"cap'n jack was washed over the side.
his crew searched but found not hair nor hide.
no longer the helm,
but the deep benthic realm,
is where jack will forever reside.
"
"ablactation, to wean off the breast,
should wait 'til age 2; this is best.
though some men never quit
(bet you thought i'd rhyme tit)
because they're mammarially obsessed.
"
"as a soup, bisque is best when served hot.
made with lobster, it hits the right spot.
i think it tastes dreamy;
it's so rich and creamy.
it's the soup you'd be served on a yacht.
"
"simply add to the grasp of a rhesus
the antithesis, psychokinesis,
and i guarantee
it's a sure ph.d.
i won't write it, though. i'm anti-thesis.
"
"abed's where you sleep in the night,
unless you and your wife had a fight.
then for you, it's the couch.
next time don't be a grouch,
just permit her to think she was right!
"
"a smiling young fellow from spain
fell asleep while aloft in a plane.
in spite of his smile (it
was he who was pilot)
he never went flying again.
"
"the man who becomes alcoholic
is not on a permanent frolic.
so understand please
it's a painful disease,
part genetic and part metabolic.
"
"it's in castles that monarchs reside.
thick stone walls make a safe place to hide.
unless you're, by fate,
the eighth henry's mate,
in which case you'd be safer outside!
"
"configuration is called absolute
when a molecule's chiral repute
is described in a name
so its structural frame
can be drawn without any dispute.
"
"according to my recollection,
the buoy was meant for direction.
but the pilot was drunk,
and the ship is now sunk
from the buoy and bow intersection.
"
"acetylenic means having to do
with the bond found in c2h2.
such bonds are unstable,
so please read the label,
if your reasons for living ain't few.
"
"can you cure my addiction, please, doc?
i drink coffee non-stop 'round the clock.
since my need for caffeine
and for sugar's so keen,
i'll go broke with two starbucks per block!
"
"so you want your new limerick to sing?
proper rhyming must first be your thing,
and the meter, i.e.,
anapestic, is key,
but line 5 is the place to add zing!
"
"used by audubon, arsenic was
a preservative needed because
as insecticide, he
could keep bird skins bug-free.
its sweet almond smell stays, yes it does.
"
"my fictional wife is not real,
which is part of her charm and appeal.
first she's here, then she's not.
when i miss her a lot,
i await her return with great zeal.
"
"accipitrine hawks have short wings
and sharp beaks used for shredding small things.
in woodlands they prey,
fierce killers in grey,
used in falconry?passion of kings.
"
"this alfalfa is what we call hay,
a word that is easier to say.
it is food for our cows,
rarely touched by our sows
who prefer to eat junk food all day.
"
"said the alien life-form named phred
(who wore glasses in back of his head
'cause back there was his snoot
an' ten eyeballs to boot):
""it's my eye doctor bills that i dread.""
"
"binaural means ""having two ears.""
hear crickets' soft chirp ? or loud cheers.
(not the crickets', of course;
cheering makes them quite hoarse,
and a rash on the throat soon appears.)
"
"upon sitting at table to eat
the host served small drinks, red and sweet.
the guests drank the stuff,
but quite soon had enough
antipastic liqueur of the beet.
"
"horseback riding requires lots of gear,
born of need, proven year after year;
and a good bearing rein
is a means to explain
to the horse the direction we steer.
"
"in the shell game, a walnut is cleft,
and the right side resembles the left.
this bilateral game,
where both halves look the same,
is a two-sided venue for theft.
"
"when the flies were all buzzing today,
i distinctly heard one blowfly say,
""i've been mated and so
now i'll zoom down below
and in beasts' open wounds ova lay.""
"
"a crystal with dark bluish hue
referred to as  azulene blue 
is used in cosmetics
with pleasing aesthetics
by more than just merely a few.
"
"an alogism's often absurd
from the start to the very last word:
an illogical claim
so impossibly lame
that it should be embalmed and interred.
"
"an accountant is paid to count money
so that shareholders know nothing funny
is draining their hive,
lest their shares take a dive
when their honey begins to get runny.
"
"an ambush: a deadly surprise.
but take care! if you do it, be wise:
never leave a way out
'cause without any doubt,
you will not get additional tries.
"
"why do we call autumn ""the fall""
when all other seasons we call
by one name? could it be
autumn leaves on a tree
which flutter to earth, one and all?
"
"an attorney is paid for his bark.
when he's in for the kill, he's a shark.
you won't like the view
if he's headed for you.
pay up, then he'll find a new mark.
"
"i embrace my aquarius sign;
how noble my nature benign!
i go with the flow
bearing sweet h2o;
in me, all the virtues align.
"
"adult entertainment is honey
to a guy with an eye for a bunny
with a bod to admire,
as she strips her attire,
and her client of all of his money.
"
"a babe magnet pulls the chicks in,
so ready and willing to sin.
it doesn't seem fair
that they enter his lair
wearing nothing except for a grin.
"
"an abecedarian bore
got vitamin pills from the store.
a, b, c, d and e
he gobbled with glee,
but at f, he could swallow no more.
"
"a mark who is ripe for the taking
is a babe in the woods ? no mistaking
his gullible smile
and his absence of guile,
unless he's a con man who's faking.
"
"if you ever get caught in a bind,
you can fight with your fists or your mind.
if your tongue is real glib,
you can simply ad lib
and leave all of your troubles behind.
"
"'we have held ourselves back and delayed it;
oft spoken of love, though not made it.'
so he breathed in her ear
and she liked the idea,
but not the bad breath that conveyed it.
"
"he's a dashing and bold buccaneer
with a swashbuckling, golden career.
he raided the main
from haiti to spain,
and he stashed all the cash in zaire.
"
"the bretwalda, mercian king offa,
poured scorn on the welsh and did scoff-a:
'if you don't like my dyke,
you can go take a hike,
and you cornish can just bugger off-a.'
"
"the victim lay wreckage-ensnared,
while the doctor despaired as he cared.
the police held the lights
as the priest read the rites,
and the bystander stood by and stared.
"
"it's germane to the purpose if it
sees both function and form neatly fit.
if it strikes the right tone,
you can leave well alone;
one might say it's an apposite hit.
"
"there was once an amasser of wealth
who was told, ""this will not bring you health.""
he was told it a lot
so he had the man shot,
and that pretty much speaks for itself.
"
"speaking anthropocentrically, i
would prefer that we not search the sky
for quick-witted ets,
who'd subdue us with ease,
'til we  know what they like in their pie.
"
"there's little that raises false hopes
like our antimicrobial soaps,
for the strains they should kill
just return stronger still,
and could soon have us all on the ropes.
"
"on account of bananas his basset ate,
the vicar could not serve the mass at eight.
said the vet, ""i have found
what is ailing your hound.
it's the oils: he can't take amyl acetate.""
"
"a street preacher out in the cold
was apocalyptically bold.
when he yelled, ""understand,
the last day is at hand,""
people thought it was cars that he sold.
"
"my mouth hangs wide open, agape.
i look like a barbary ape.
some flies could swoop in,
then crawl out on my chin.
don't catch me on videotape!
"
"absentminded i am to a fault.
i forget there's a pole when i vault.
i have this tattoo
lest i lose my name, too,
since forgetful is just my gestalt.
"
"our tomatoes this year are abounding;
they're lush, red and ripe ? just astounding!
we've run out of uses
(we're making excuses)
for produce that's all but dumbfounding.
"
"i can often turn lead into gold,
or water to wine ? i'm that bold!
but alchemy fails me
when vanity nails me,
and i try to turn young into old.
"
"some people with no sense of fun
rate the limerick low, with the pun,
and are even annoyed
at ""aesthetically void""
bits of dogg'rel like this one, now done.
"
"i've penned all these lim'ricks already.
they and i are about to go steady.
i'm a serious poet,
but few of you know it,
so i'm going to bed with my teddy.
"
"the adirondacks are great for vacation,
up there at that high elevation,
but the struggle for breath
signals imminent death
of altitude asphyxiation.
"
"my spine is a tad out of plumb.
an adjustment is needed, by gum.
my usual tactic
is to seek chiropractic,
but i howl under pressure of thumb.
"
"my marriage seems terribly dull.
i'm bored simply out of my skull.
when i want stimulation,
the result is frustration.
perhaps now's the time to annul.
"
"i have acres of arable land.
i'm lucky that none of it's sand.
it's my vineyard to be,
pinot noir just for me ?
ambrosia is what i have planned.
"
"just once in the roman arena,
i was sent in to face a hyena.
i distracted the beast
(his hostility ceased)
with hyena chow made by purina.
"
"a contract between two adults
should lead to consistent results.
an agreement, less formal,
can also be normal,
but be careful when dealing with cults.
"
"i've come to this court to allege
that my neighbor, in saying the pledge
of allegiance, the clod,
leaves out ""under god,""
which leaves me quite over the edge.
"
"i am meg.  i'm the world's cutest pup.
my worldview is happy and up.
my tail wags like crazy,
i sleep when i'm lazy,
and if offered a bone, i say ""yup!""
"
"you may think that my life is prosaic,
but i live in a mansion archaic.
with art by chagall
i've my own taj mahal,
filled with archways and floors of mosaic.
"
"i would hate to be seen as a critic,
but there's something here harshly mephitic.
it's your breath!  it sure stinks!
please have one or two drinks
of a mouthwash bacteriolytic.
"
"to say that a person's a basher
is to say they're a hitter, a smasher.
in short, they're a boor?
but wait, there's still more.
they're a banger, a bonker, a crasher.
"
"""whatever you say,"" she defers,
although under her breath come the slurs.
with words filled with spite ?
a backbite, a slight ?
her murmurs are soft saboteurs.
"
"from the mornings 'til mid-afternoons
in luzon you can feel the monsoons.
if that weren't enough,
here comes nastier stuff:
baguios, which are monstrous typhoons.
"
"the old hay farmer's crib had backed up,
and resembled an overstuffed cup.
when he eyeballed the scene,
he said, ""what does this mean?
there's a balefulness present, a-yup!""
"
"with affamishment, food's what you need.
you would fight for a sesame seed.
a small crumb or an ort,
you'd take any old sort,
and you'd polish it off with great speed.
"
"for bahaism, oneness is prime:
that of god, and of prophets in time,
of all peoples and races;
its primary place is
to end all our warfare and crime.
"
"toss out all of those pepcid ac.
i am now achlorhydric. ah, me!
no more zantac or tums
in immeasurable sums ?
i'm a hulk of antacid debris.
"
"when you're mixing a dextrin that's new
with some iodine, note the stuff's hue.
so: it's achroo- ? clear;
with erythro-, red's here;
and it's amylodextrin if blue.
"
"she kicks and she bites and she hits,
and to get what she wants, she throws fits.
she smears food on the wall
and leaves toys in the hall.
in short, her behavior's the pits.
"
"if you sing as you flit in the air,
grow brown feathers in place of your hair,
and a buick car's name
and your own are the same,
you're alaudine, that's all i can swear.
"
"'round the base path the hitter can run.
when he's tagged all four bases, he's done.
if he first runs to third,
it's ""you're out!"" that is heard,
and his trip to the shower's begun.
"
"acyrology makes you a fool
by your flouting a dictional rule.
when supposably's said
in supposedly's stead,
folks will say, ""where did you go to school?""
"
"this aphasia means i can't say
that my brain has not had a good day.
i can think but not speak:
can the frontal lobe tweak,
thereby ending my silent dismay?
"
"agar agar's a weird sort of food,
made of seaweed, first boiled and then stewed.
it makes a firm jelly,
that's not at all smelly:
it's food for a prude, not a dude.
"
"some say cadbury's is better than lindt,
but that only applies if you're skint.
for true chocoholics,
beguiled by their frolics,
mister cadbury won't cost them a mint.
"
"you might think that a really good prize
is a buffalo, full-grown in size,
but a hoof at each corner
and sharp horns should warn yer
to hunt it with only your eyes!
"
"while hurtling at cool breakneck speed,
she screamed, and he kind of agreed:
when driving through town
it's best to slow down,
if staying alive is your need.
"
"if he thinks that his partner he'll lose,
he'll be quick to forswear drinking booze,
but faced with the liquor,
he'll change his mind quicker,
'cos the booze, not the boozer will choose.
"
"though i've always found limericks fun,
the oedilf's clever editors stun
me with re-writing rhymes
at least five or six times,
till they finally say it can run.
"
"the apostrophe's almost unknown
to the screen of my cellular phone.
when i'm writing a text,
i just say what comes next,
using grammar 2 so make u groan.
"
"the odd discord can sometimes be heard
in the music of william byrd.
the question, it seems:
'was that clash in my dreams,
or was william true to his word?'
"
"acupuncturists use all their skills,
diagnosing and treating your ills.
they may look at your tongue,
check your spleen and your lung,
and use needles instead of those pills.
"
"a cathedral choir sings from the quire,
in those stalls that lie east of the spire.
the tenors and basses
are making wry faces
as the trebles soar higher and higher.
"
"i'm more generous now than i've been,
though you claim i'm psychotically mean.
i'm not crazy or mazed,
but the way i was raised
makes me cheapskate when times are so lean.
"
"if it's ace then it's really first class,
from great food to exquisite cut glass.
in tennis, an ace
really quickens the pace,
and in cards it's a fine coup de gr?ce.
"
"the musical scale, the chromatic,
is dramatic but never erratic:
each semitone rises,
which brings no surprises,
like steps from the cellar to attic.
"
"when attending a white-water school,
the canoeist's best friend's his cagoule.
when immersed in the water,
he's glad that he bought a
fab cag to keep dry (though uncool).
"
"my god, but that woman's a yeller?
is it pain, or perhaps salmonella?
she sings music that seems
avant-garde (mainly screams),
unaccompanied?all a cappella.
"
"a bold agapanthus once grew
in hot sun, and in true, lovely blue;
and in greek, agape
defines love, so you may
give those flowers to say ""i love you.""
"
"a charcutier once was immersed
in creating a 'dog' fit to burst
with the perfect ingredients
(no cheapskate expedients)
for the best porcine fest, not the wurst.
"
"i was born with my digits reversed,
with my pinkies, not thumbs, coming first.
every teacup gets smashed,
and my car's somewhat trashed:
with cack-handedness, truly i'm cursed.
"
"said the kayaker, brushing her breast:
""it's so rounded and plump, is my chest,
that when rolling my boat,
i will easily float;
with my buoyancy aid i'm not stressed.""
"
"now the reo, who's called in absente,
may find that he's forfeited plenty.
he's not there to help out,
though his lawyer's about.
he'll be serving a fifteen-to-twenty.
"
"an acolythist helps out the priest
with the trivial duties, at least.
are the candles all lit?
then he's doing his bit
to assist with the eucharist feast.
"
"a colorful thing's basophilia.
it brings out minute sensibilia.
apply basic dyes.
what a splendid surprise!
you can really see all of the cilia.
"
"anadipsia's quite a large thirst,
though it comes on quite slowly at first.
don't be counted a fool:
stay away from that pool,
or you'll drink so much water you'll burst.
"
"anaptyxis, inserting a vowel,
is a process that causes a howl.
if two consonants make
a cacophony, take
a small break, or just throw in the towel.
"
"no matter your language or idiom
it's tough to define a basidium.
whatever's it for?
the basidiospore
rests upon it inside the peridium.
"
"what an outdated concept, ""bank money"".
banks still using paper? how funny!
check, credit, and draft?
i tell you, it's daft.
it's the twenty-first century, honey!
"
"the acontias lizard's no snake,
so i hope you don't make that mistake.
it is legless, that's true,
but between me and you,
it's a skink, so i think it's a fake.
"
"baronetcy is hardly a slight
for a fellow who's more than a knight.
i don't know if he's carin'
that he's not a full baron,
but he hasn't acquired that right.
"
"a barroom's a place you can buy
scotch whisky, malt liquor or rye.
an adventurous sort
can indulge in a snort
of the oddly named drink, emerald eye.
"
"what's the chatham house rule? i declare:
information you're welcome to share,
but you hereby disclaim
any mention of name
or alliance, and so on, elsewhere.
"
"this mousetrap i've built has no flaw!
it's better than others, i'm sure!
there's no oiling or bait!
i'll just sit here and wait
while the world beats a path to my door.
"
"with inflationary pressures persistent,
on value in clothes i'm insistent.
my pants cost no more
than they did years before,
and my shirts?  well, i'm in crease-resistant.
"
"bowl a yorker, or doosra, or swing;
flipper; googly; a beamer might sting!
core of cork bound with leather
sewn neatly together ?
the cricket ball's praises we sing!
"
"barbarianism describes
the folk of uncivilized tribes.
they rape and they pillage
from village to village,
or so go the ""cultured"" folks' jibes.
"
"if you're picking a fight with the gods,
you are fighting against all the odds.
they will zap you to dust
with a lightning bolt thrust:
get ben franklin to lend you some rods.
"
"the velvety fabric bagheera
is something you'd want to have near ya.
its crush-proof renown
makes it great for a gown,
though it stains if you spill your madeira.
"
"not too sure if a baby's in there?
a ballottement will tell you what's where.
give a push from below:
if it floats back, you know
that the couple will soon have an heir.
"
"atraumatic procedures are used
to insure that the patient's not bruised.
he has suffered enough,
so why put him through stuff
when he's already badly abused?
"
"with asynergy's bodily quirk,
you might feel like a mighty big jerk
or a spasm or tic
might well do the trick
of permitting your body to work.
"
"an abetter was aiding a friend
at the sands, giving money to spend.
the pal gambled away
all that hard-worked-for pay,
but the bettor's no better. the end.
"
"on st. peter's basilican heights,
far above all the noise and the lights,
michelangelo's dome
shows the glory of rome,
and is one of the tourist delights.
"
"in the harbor near baltimore port
stands mchenry, that bastioned old fort.
it was here that the brits
once directed their hits,
in the star-spangled banner's front court.
"
"when han solo takes on boba fett,
in a carbonite prison he's set.
so now pity poor han,
the anthropolith man.
he's as stiff as the living can get.
"
"as i ogled the brand new red garter,
i decided to try on some barter:
""will you take for that hosiery
my grandmother's rosary?""
""you're joking, that's such a non-starter!""
"
"three eggs, with the whites whisked, to start;
then yolks, chocolate, cream set apart
above boiling water.
when soft, then you oughta
fold in and say prayers for your heart.
"
"when shopping for presents in china,
the beautiful silks are not minor,
but from watches to shoes,
you'll find labels amuse
you, as fakes all lay claim to ""designer.""
"
"he eyes me, the glint greenish gold,
until in my arms i enfold
that smooth sorrel fur,
wrapped around a loud purr,
which this ""rasta"" cat doesn't withhold.
"
"chromatically sliding, you see,
three notes move from a up to b.
when lotti divides
his singers, he slides
the music from key into key.
"
"the cheetah, a feline with class,
lives in africa's desert or grass.
she can muster vast speed
to assuage hunger's need:
sixty-five, without busting her arse.
"
"beijing is as smoggy as sin:
some days you'll just want to stay in.
if you're out and about,
wear a mask?there's no doubt
that without it your chances are thin.
"
"in the music of doctor john blow
sounds from voices and instruments flow.
henry purcell once went
to this right proper gent,
and learned skills from which dido would grow.
"
"i emerged red and wrinkled at birth,
with my humour in evident dearth.
cried my mother, in verse,
""can't you do something, nurse,
for my babe to have mirth on this earth?""
"
"an antelope, down on his luck,
saw a coin shining bright in the muck;
but the old silver dollar
was pointless to swaller,
so the buck, stuck for luck, passed the buck.
"
"most darts players tend to be weighty
male beer-drinkers, cheerful and matey.
they let the darts fly
as they hope for the cry
from the umpire: ""one hundred and eighty!""
"
"winston churchill, pm in the war,
told the house: ""i can offer no more
than blood, toil, tears and sweat.""
""now that battle is met,
our aim must be victory!"" he swore.
"
"the light and the dark blues both meet
each year for the boat race ? a treat!
so far cambridge's score
over oxford: five more,
not counting that single ""dead heat"".
"
"down below on the great cutty sark,
with my cutty pipe lit, in the dark,
on a short spoon i tripped,
and my little pipe slipped:
conflagration ensued from the spark.
"
"london traffic's frustratingly poor ?
something has to be done, that's for sure!
but we won't get to see
ringway 1, 2 or 3:
just a bus lane upon the m4.
"
"my limericks, perhaps, could be neater.
i don't get the anap?st metre.
i'll write them, but know
they've a long way to go,
so we'll work on the version that's beta.
"
"""beware!  this may scald!  contents hot!""
did anyone think it would not?
this simple precaution
blown out of proportion
winds up meaning diddly-squat.
"
"it's my birthday today, and i'm sure
that i've never been this old before.
though it's quarter past three,
wake up!  listen to me!
'cause i'm four!  yes, i'm four!  yes, i'm four!
"
"the surgeon said, ""hey!  how about
introducing an element of doubt?
we'll play guess-the-disease!""
patient said, with a wheeze,
""it's a tumour, you oaf!  cut it out!""
"
"when i'm crossing myself, here is one
simple way i remember it's done:
touch the spectacles (face),
then the testicles' place,
and the wallet and watch ? it's such fun!
"
"the waltz and the quickstep and jive:
all dance steps celebrities strive
to perform to perfection,
avoiding ejection.
(bruce forsyth?  is he still alive?)
"
"cron is the tool that you seek
to run code at set times of the week.
a crontab's a table
you write to enable
this wonderful tool of the geek!
"
"a limerick writer from hove,
whose work was disliked, said: ""by jove!
my verses feel dated ?
that's why they are hated!""
that obsolete writer from hove.
"
"""the goon show is not dead,"" one reads,
""it's alive and it's well, for the seeds
of continuing fame
(in spirit, not name)
are thriving at radio leeds!""
"
"cuts of beef you'll find butchers prepare:
rump and sirloin (delicious when rare);
shin and brisket (they're cheap);
but (unlike pigs or sheep)
cows don't merit a chop ? that's not fair!
"
"the ball was defended by cole
and over the goal-line did roll.
the cross to be borne: a
quick kick from the corner ?
a header, a strike, it's a goal!
"
"to windows and mice, i say phooey!
i simply can't work with a gui.
i type my command
at the prompt, understand?
just not format ? the disk goes kablooey!
"
"to long-distance love, there's no barrier:
meet a girl on the net, and then marry her!
she'll have grace, she'll have poise ?
what's this, though?  line noise?
this crappy old modem ? no carrier
"
"as a troll, i'd enjoy spoiling news,
cross-posting each thread that i'd choose
to rec.pets or alt.flame.
it isn't the same
now the net's dub-dub-dub and not use.
"
"let's talk of this now, and not later:
don't think i'm a left-ponder hater.
it causes some friction,
this matter of diction,
but ""bee-tah"" is neater than ""bay-tah"".
"
"""oh daddy, is that thing a shrew?
it looks like a guinea pig, too.""
""no, no, my wee lassie,
that there is a dassie,
who's closer to jumbo than you!""
"
"in the tunnel i hid with my lover,
when she sensed there was something above 'er.
""don't you worry, my sweet,
it's the sounds of the street,
'cause this tunnel is just cut-and-cover.""
"
"when building a radio set
with a crystal, you mustn't forget:
for results that are brisker,
install a cat's whisker!
(it won't pick up digital, yet.)
"
"up the workers!  we're gonna put right all
injustice!  we're marching to fight all
oppression!  those laws
writ behind those closed doors ?
chuck 'em out, with those tosspots in whitehall!
"
"this dalek, this creature of hate,
will conquer or kill; that's our fate.
our people are fleeing
this ""superior being""
and its battle cry: ""ex-ter-min-ate!""
"
"with mist drifting over the bay,
the moonlight to sunshine gives way.
the birdsong will rise,
as i open my eyes
to my favourite time: break of day.
"
"he's brave and courageous and ballsy,
sees chances where others see walls.  he
climbed kilimanjaro,
thus raising the bar.  oh,
did i mention his cerebral palsy?
"
"she's cut up, for he constantly lies,
and she's sick of his wandering eyes.
now her note on the door
reads, ""you're welcome no more,
and i've cut up your suits, socks and ties.""
"
"twice a year i'd be ranting and raving
when i found all the clocks misbehaving;
then i picked up the knack
that's ""spring forward, fall back"":
that's the rule when we do daylight saving.
"
"my barking mad neighbour, louise,
has cut down my leylandii trees!
she maintains, ""it's my right!
my available light
was cut down when they swayed in the breeze!""
"
"should the match be a tense five-set bout
or a straight set defeat, there's no doubt
when it gets to the news,
reporters will choose
to say that the loser ""crashed out.""
"
"the chef screams: ""you waiters are hateable!
don't ask if my pasta is plateable,
or what kind of dish
should be used for my fish!
i'm in charge here!  this isn't debateable!""
"
"when cooking, i love to deep-fry
a mars bar, a fish, or a pie.
i love eating batter!
i ? (cough) ? what's the matter?
my heart gives a clatter ? i die.
"
"when you're travelling northwards from kerry
and crossing the shannon by ferry,
you'll miss (such a pity!)
this county and city,
the birthplace of togmeister terry.
"
"the rebel presents her proposal:
""look, king, this here knife up your nose'll
draw royal blood, true.
shall we see if it's blue?""
and thus she effects his deposal.
"
"it made the new trumpeter quail
when the maestro addressed him, to rail:
""you stupid freeloader!
da capo al coda
means play from the head to the tail!""
"
"a long-distance trucker called merv,
at the wheel as he rounded a curve,
saw some diesel was spilt!
as he drove at full tilt,
merv, unnerved, had to swerve round the derv.
"
"when you sing an alternative tune
of such beauty you feel you could swoon,
singing notes that are higher
than the rest of the choir,
then a descant's the tune that you croon.
"
"whoever came up with the dream
that two biscuits would work as a team
with a soft creamy filler
that tastes of vanilla?
let's all cheer for the dear custard cream!
"
"deciduous trees, my young ben,
all have leaves in the summer, but then
in the autumn, leaves fall;
winter: no leaves at all.
come the spring, they'll be growing again.
"
"it's a breeze: if you breezily breeze
through the form ? you will do it with ease ?
and just sign on the line,
then what's yours will be mine.
it's a doddle ? just go ahead, please.
"
"when the broadcast of seeds was well known,
they were scattered by hand; it's been shown
that they didn't land straight,
and the blow-away rate
was too high: few were sown, much less grown.
"
"if it's shipshape, it's quite bristol fashion,
and won't make the captain turn ashen:
he loves things just right,
clean and sparkling bright,
and a mess drives him into a passion.
"
"does one's braininess stem from one's genes?
it's a topical question and means,
if it's so, we could start
to make all kids real smart
and exterminate megadeth teens.
"
"oh blusterer, take my advice,
and do try your best to think twice
before making a sound:
for threats, empty, resound,
and throat-jumping comes at a price.
"
"a metal that's active is one
that wants to go out and have fun
with an element who
might be like-minded too:
a compound, you'll find, when they're done.
"
"apple corer, oh, how to endure
a life without you in the drawer ?
unable to eat
an apple (so sweet!)
without having to chomp on the core?
"
"they divided the fields up among them
and scattered their seeds ? well, they slung them.
but their strips, although wide,
had a baulk at each side,
and so onto the weeds they oft flung them.
"
"for an adatis, cotton is grown
in india; then, when it's sewn,
it's transported afar
to where cloth-buyers are
and where such cultivation's unknown.
"
"if he lives in a sett underground,
and a stripe on his head can be found,
then we say that his name
(well, the one of less fame)
is a brock. they no longer abound.
"
"he brutishly brushed her away,
snarling, ""hey, i don't care what you say!
you're too ugly and fat,
and i won't stand for that:
i feel animalistic today.""
"
"what's shared by your tears and the seas,
and by sweat and the brisk ocean breeze?
it's their saltiness; but,
since they're watery, let's put
the right word here: say brininess, please.
"
"you are bloodguilty. thoughts haunt your mind.
live your life. live it out. guilt will bind
you from now till the end,
for your conscience won't mend.
you have killed. they will seek. let them find.
"
"he's a breaststroker: just watch him swim.
though on land we all know he's quite dim,
his big feet turn right out
and his pull packs a clout ?
but don't tell him that frogs swim like him.
"
"i need breathing space ? back off a bit.
if you don't, there's a chance you'll get hit.
let me do my own stuff,
'cause you've more than enough
of your own space; in mine, you don't fit.
"
"i was once quite bemused by the fact
that my dad loved brown sauce, which is packed
with baked bean-spicing flavour;
but now i, too, savour
the stuff ? so the ketchup's been sacked.
"
"baked cheese is just one of life's pleasures;
with honey it's something one treasures.
if you've baked the right cheese,
then you'll find, with great ease,
that the taste is not something one measures.
"
"if you rise in a hot-air balloon
and you study the clouds or monsoon,
it's aeroscopy ? though,
don't go too high; you know
you will never float up to the moon.
"
"a guy who sells meat in a shop,
or a killer whose slayings won't stop:
but whichever you mean,
the same outcome is seen ?
a butcher will give you the chop.
"
"education shall broaden your mind!
get some schooling, and soon you will find
that your interests grow,
as will things that you know ?
well, unless you're the dull, normal kind.
"
"yes, i'm brimming with fervour; i feel
almost everything has its appeal.
but you find things quite dull?
lost their lustre? your skull
must be brimming with boredom, no zeal.
"
"i snooze underground (not too deep),
till the dawn, when i wake up and peep
with my bright bunny eyes
from my burrow, whose size
makes it cosy: a warm place to sleep.
"
"for general use, brambly means ""prickly"" ?
thorned undergrowth tangled up thickly.
but be scientific;
the word's more specific:
""of rubus"" defines it quite slickly.
"
"age of moon is the time that's gone by
since the new moon hung dark in the sky,
so the heavens weren't bright,
for the sun's shining light
lit its other face up there on high.
"
"a brattice (it's used in a mine)
keeps the air flowing through by design.
made of cloth, or of wood;
seldom stays there for good;
for a makeshift shaft stopgap, it's fine.
"
"an aceto-orcein stain,
if you've got coloured dyes on the brain,
is what scientists use
when they wish to see views
of a squashed chromosomal terrain.
"
"as a brownie, i tried to be good,
to behave as a brownie guide should,
and to help every day,
but too often, i'd say,
""well, i would lend a hand, if i could.""
"
"what's a ductulus? that's a small chute
that allows bile and sweat to commute.
if you mean more than one,
they're called ductuli, son.
anatomical terms are a hoot!
"
"dissimule defined? think of spies,
how they live in a world filled with lies.
they befriend and entreat
with disguise and deceit.
that's the meaning that this word implies.
"
"the butterflies squirm in my guts:
it's crunch time ? no ifs, ands, or buts.
the wriggling inside
leaves me longing to hide ?
and this waiting! it's driving me nuts!
"
"the colon: a beautiful mark.
neatly balanced; no squiggles: how stark!
its message is: ""hey!
here it comes: what i say
follows on: you're not left in the dark.""
"
"ng svefg, jung v fnl vf pbaprnyrq:
guvf pelcgbtenz npgf nf n fuvryq.
ohg fvapr lbh unir oebxra
gur pbqr, nf n gbxra,
guvf yvzrevpx unf abj orra erirnyrq.
"
"the braiding that graces your hair
makes curious folk stop and stare,
since you chose not your head
but your nose hair, instead,
as the place for your hair-weaving flair!
"
"all too swiftly, her life flickered past:
she breathed barely at all, then her last.
one tide of the seasons
left nothing. the reasons
for loss leave us helpless, aghast.
"
"she's a butterfly girl, so she skitters
from task to distraction. she flitters
with bright eyes aglitter
(i'm tempted to hit 'er)
and jitters and twitters and titters.
"
"red heat, and the sweat and the smell
in the ring where the death-dances swell ?
can bloodshed be art?
no, not deep in the heart
of bullfighting's passionate hell.
"
"adventuristic? not me. i conform
to convention: keep clear of the storm ?
that's my motto. no shaker
or mover, trend-breaker
or -setter, i stick to the norm.
"
"often, buoyance is punctured apace
by exams that leave barely a trace
of my lightness and cheer ?
but, hold on! not this year!
the oedilf keeps a smile on my face.
"
"down the shaft of this bell pit we've sunk;
at the coalface, we land with a clunk.
see, the coal's hollowed out,
and these pillars ? don't shout!
a cave-in means death! are you drunk?!
"
"it's a fact that's beyond disputation
that german-style capitalisation,
in english, of nouns,
would produce puzzled frowns
on the foreheads of folk in this nation.
"
"lord byron was dashing, with dough,
and caroline lamb loved him, though
he had girls in profusion.
she wrote, in seclusion:
""he's mad, bad and dangerous to know.""
"
"i can look things up, sitting in chairs;
on the train; at the foot of the stairs.
i don't need multimedia,
just a good cyclop?dia!
(there's no en, by the way, when it's pears'.)
"
"the cars made a marvellous scene:
the germans' sleek silver machine,
italian blood red,
french blue, but who led?
the british, with clean racing green.
"
"an australian doctor named hook
did nothing at all by the book.
no matter how poorly
his patient, he'd surely
say, ""nah, mate.  you're just a bit crook.""
"
"""i'm free!"" ""stupid boy."" ""shut that door!""
""nice to see you..."" ""don't mention the war!""
""and it's goodnight from him.""
""my name's ... no ... no ... no ... jim.""
""you dirty old man!"" ""say no more!""
"
"when facing a false accusation,
beware of unwanted vexation:
review your defence
to be sure it makes sense,
and be ready for cross-examination.
"
"""my experiments work,"" heinrich blurts.
""but mean nothing, i guess,"" he asserts.
yet cycles per second
were named for the fecund
brainpower of heinrich: they're hertz.
"
"many motor-car racers have found
when their car's not mechanically sound,
a black-flagging marshal
(who's strictly impartial)
decrees: ""to the pits you are bound.""
"
"i was once at a show, where i heard
that the w.i. would judge curd
made of fruit, as a jam.
""try my lemon curd, ma'am!""
she demurred on my curd ? it came third.
"
"for an additive function, it's true
that when f acts on p and on q
and the answers one sums,
the grand total becomes
the function of p plus q too.
"
"frozen ground, and the twigs tipped with frost?
autumn leaves are all gathered and tossed?
then the season that's here
(though it won't last all year)
we call brumal: late sunshine is lost.
"
"dubbed ""bubblegummers"" ? oh, how unfair!
some teenagers chew, i'm aware:
there are many whose jaws
champ all day without pause ?
but the rest of us aren't all that rare!
"
"i'm waiting to burke you; i lurk
in the shadows. you'll die amidst murk,
and no one will know
that my hand dealt the blow,
since i'll leave not a trace of my work.
"
"you're flushed with excitement ? you're glowing;
your prattle shows no signs of slowing.
you're bubbling so much
that you're warm to the touch,
and your fresh, foaming zeal's overflowing!
"
"let's call in a bulwark installer
to make our stone ramparts still taller,
for the waves are immense,
and without more defence
our small island will keep getting smaller.
"
"its swiftness ? not that of an arrow,
but a bullet ? stirs life in the marrow
of bones that maintain,
on this sleek, sharp-nosed train,
that the fantasy-truth gap is narrow.
"
"the government wanted to shield
britain's farmers from corn from afield,
but the acll
cried, ""free trade! let them sell!""
so the corn laws, at last, were repealed.
"
"these mushrooms, although they're quite small,
aren't really like buttons at all.
though they're rounded and white,
they're more tempting to bite,
and if sewn on a coat, they'd appal.
"
"deep in woodland, my dog got her fur
badly snarled up with seeds. silly cur!
they are sticky and prickly
(not picked out so quickly).
what a job: finding burr after burr.
"
"that figure is incomprehensible!
i'm afraid that we've failed to be sensible:
this breakdown explains
all our losses and gains
to see if our spending's defensible.
"
"""what's for breakfast? some toast? nah, too small.
maybe grapefruit?... too cold! it's the fall!
well, an egg?... yeah, not bad...""
""listen, mom, what's with dad?""
""it's just dad's breakfast waffle, that's all.""
"
"we objected to what we'd been shown,
and we forcefully made our views known.
their minor concession
won't ease our aggression ?
they've thrown us a meaningless bone.
"
"take a number's divisors ? their sum
('cept the number itself, though) will come
to a total; repeat,
on that answer, this feat.
got the first one? they're amicable! (dumb.)
"
"at first, she was shy and withdrawn,
abandoned, alone and forlorn.
then, encouraged and nourished,
she blossomed and flourished ?
unfurled like a flower at dawn.
"
"the brushwood grows moist in the shade
'neath the trees at the edge of the glade,
where the sunlight can pour,
thick and sweet, to the floor
of the forest, where tangles invade.
"
"her brittleness shows in her gaze:
those pinpricks are cold, yet ablaze
with an icy denial
of mercy. that smile
is cruel as her pitiless ways.
"
"there's a door that you cannot ignore ?
though it's locked, what's beyond to explore?
if you're eager to see,
then the bittings are key:
they're the bits that will open the door.
"
"how dare you invade my sweet life,
you bringer of conflict and strife?
until you came along,
not a thing had gone wrong,
but now discord and friction are rife!
"
"in my time, i've walked many a mile,
and i've climbed over many a stile.
though i don't have a soul,
i've two tongues. i am whole
as a pair. hope my journey's worthwhile.
"
"a blackout's a chilling sensation:
first dizziness, then the formation
of blackness that creeps
across vision, and sweeps
me away to a dark destination.
"
"""sweet mercy! oh, heaven forbid!
you strangled that innocent kid?""
he shrugged his cold shoulders,
and, blandly, he told us,
""why yes, my dear people. i did.""
"
"you can find one in h and in a,
in the middle there, marking the way
from the left to the right
to prevent readers' fright.
barless h's cause l-ish dismay.
"
"he's lying ? we cannot deny it ?
but two can play games, so let's try it.
since none can believe him,
this tale might deceive him
in turn. so, you reckon he'll buy it?
"
"""tig!"" comes the shout, and the chase
starts again, so we dash for that place
where we cannot get caught,
and where time can be bought,
'cause, in this game, the bench is the base.
"
"wouldst thou blench me, thou dastardly rogue?
forsooth, is the truth not in vogue?
wouldst thou cheat and deceive?
wouldst thou have me believe
i should trust thee to handle my pogue?
"
"your glibness is causing my blues;
your ""witty"" remarks don't amuse.
your tongue is too flip,
so button your lip!
yeah, shut it ? i'm sick of your views.
"
"i dream of the havoc i'll wreak
in the pale shafts of moonlight, so weak.
slanted rays form in bars,
and the smouldering stars
glower down at me: ""whisper ? don't shriek.""
"
"i'm lonely, i'm lost, and i rage,
nevermore with this world to engage.
my scars cannot heal
behind thick rods of steel.
oh, i'll rattle the bars of this cage.
"
"? these points are remarkably clear.
? there's no dense clump of writing to fear.
? let me start a new line.
? with a blob there, it's fine!
? have you learnt about bullet points here?
"
"""great byzantium! city of dreams!
every street paved with gold! how it gleams!""
in a less jaded age,
they wrote page after page
of this balderdash. screeds of it. reams.
"
"menelaus my husband?a joy,
but young paris? he's one sexy boy!
i don't hold with divorce
or the scourge of remorse
for i'm bigamous helen of troy.
"
"a bull terrier's anything but
a great beauty. this ill-favoured mutt
shows a shortness of leg,
has a head like an egg,
and keeps his eyes practically shut.
"
"the horizon's renewed pinkish cast ?
gentle tinge ? shows that darkness is past.
if the dawn's not forsaken,
the sky will awaken.
we'll see how long daylight will last.
"
"reaching each chequered cranny and nook,
stolid castles play chess by the book:
left to right, front to back
on the white and the black ?
they're reliable. some prefer rook.
"
"when the world seems depressingly grim
and distressingly filled to the brim
with the bile of mankind,
cast those thoughts from your mind,
lest the light in your eyes grow too dim.
"
"the dark in the garden. alone.
the moon casts its light on the stone.
but the shadow that's cast
by the stone will outlast
any light that the night seems to own.
"
"you're subtracting in columns? don't try
taking nine from that two. it won't fly!
the solution is deft:
borrow ten from the left
so that twelve minus nine will apply.
"
"that algae-filled, mirrorlike potion
of sluggishness: dregs of an ocean
of ages, it steers
as it soaks up the years.
the canal: stagnant water in motion.
"
"when you're choosing a name on the net,
what you call yourself helps you forget
how your ""flesh"" personality's
colder mentality's
something you've learnt to regret.
"
"break the surface: re-enter that world
of the air, where the mysteries that swirled
underwater are jailed
by the twilight that's veiled,
and the loftier mysteries unfurled.
"
"to capture the reticent grace
of a smile on an innocent face,
you must draw on an art:
use your skill to impart
life and spark ? every trace in its place.
"
"though my mind, in its bind, may be marred,
i would journey, though journeys are hard,
if i could, through the peace
and the blissful release
of a world from which dreams were not barred.
"
"when we talk about having the blues,
depression's the very big news.
but in life as in art,
blue gives joy to the heart,
when looked at in terms of its hues.
"
"be careful you don't make a boo-boo
when packing a pistol, a .22.
harry's ""go ahead, punk!""
would surely have stunk
were he wearing a fluffy pink tutu.
"
"when he said ""i'm an artist"", he lied,
for a gap on his canvas i spied,
and the edge was unkempt!
but he sneered, with contempt,
""i am going to brush you aside.""
"
"i'd love to be sailing a dhow,
lying peacefully back on the bow.
to the sunset i'd float
my arabian boat ?
but i'm stuck in the grey here-and-now.
"
"chief scientist davros, who toiled
while perpetual war raged and boiled,
cursed the doctor, whose actions
created infractions
with his daleks: his plans were all foiled.
"
"i dislike what they call ""cyber monday"":
christmas shopping should be a big fun day!
you should visit each shop
'til you're ready to drop:
an i-took-on-the-high-street-and-won day!
"
"colour rhymes aren't sublime!  it's a crime
that you choose to use hues that don't chime.
don't say purple ? i'll moan!
orange ain't the right tone!
and with silver, i'm ill! verse should rhyme.
"
"a day trip to london again?
a day return ticket, it's plain.
you're arriving past ten?
a cheap day return, then,
because this is the age of the train!
"
"with a bottle brush, bottles with dirt'll
be cleaned out in no time.  a fertile
beaufortia would do.
callistemon makes two
well-named substitutes, kin to the myrtle.
"
"""i may vote upon blackburn in lancs,""
tam dalyell told political ranks,
""but should they divest
us of lothian, west:
'may i vote on my blackburn?' ? 'no thanks!'""
"
"""i'm poor, and i live on my own,
and they've cut off my lights and my phone,""
wept old mother hubbard.
""i've emptied my cupboard!
i can't give my doggy a bone!""
"
"there's a catchy refrain in my brain,
worming round ? it will drive me insane.
though i liked it to start with,
i'm desperate to part with
it now... here it comes, yet again!
"
"their hostility's calm: they don't shriek,
but neither one wants to seem weak,
and so neither will dare ?
though the other's right there ?
break that scathing, sharp silence and speak.
"
"there are things that you do every day
in the self-same, unvarying way.
if you break them ? that's swap them
for others, or stop them ?
those habits no longer hold sway.
"
"though ""goodbye"" could be cause to rejoice,
or a neutral and mutual choice,
that's delusion: it's fake.
you can tell by the break ?
the emotional catch ? in his voice.
"
"september: the foliage blushes ?
is tinted with fiery flushes.
the sunshine is patchy;
the breezes are catchy:
they swirl in their snatches and rushes.
"
"we've broken the record: surpassed
every previous team. what a blast!
though, in truth, it's a shame
to attain all this fame
for the number of times we've come last.
"
"those snatches and fragments of song
drifting in from the street make me long
for those sweet afternoons
when the catches of tunes
that i heard were more vivid and strong.
"
"to beat means ""to strike"" or ""to pound"",
or ""to flap"", so you rise from the ground,
as in beating your wings.
it can also mean things
like ""pulsate"" or ""defeat"" or ""confound"".
"
"for days upon spellbinding days,
i could fasten my glazed-over gaze
on that shifting, enthralling,
incessantly calling
expanse of the sea, soul ablaze.
"
"we'll tread this fresh ground more and more ?
form a track where none travelled before.
since your mousetrap's the best,
all the world's on a quest:
to beat out a path to your door.
"
"i've been blooded. i know that it's wrong,
but the taste and the smell are so strong.
i'm susceptible still
to the chase and its thrill;
in pursuit of the kill, i belong.
"
"you're efficient and logical; who
could deny we need more folks like you?
your businesslike ways
will always bring praise,
though it's nice to be likeable, too.
"
"he's left his old mother's abode:
this fairytale guy's hit the road
to seek fortunes, to roam.
all he carries from home
is his bundle: a poor man's small load.
"
"no, no. i've been tested and tried:
won't take money ? just think of my pride!
me, bribable? never!
i'm bigger, more clever.
(there's another door just round the side.)
"
"it's a loud-celebrations-and-mirth-day,
and a what-have-these-years-all-been-worth?-day.
thirteen springs since your birth ?
well, whatever they're worth,
zoe lou, have a rockin' good birthday.
"
"got some data? the order's a blight?
use the bubble sort ? quite a delight!
let the algorithm churn,
checking each pair in turn,
and you'll find that they're sorted just right.
"
"this new broad gauge is thought to be great
by brunel ? but it's got here too late.
for the government hails
george's narrow-gauge rails;
a slow death is brunel's gauge's fate.
"
"don't shout, as though part of a rabble;
speak gently: just murmur ? don't gabble.
now your undulant tone
is still far from a drone;
it's a burble: you chatter and babble.
"
"the six-year-old gazed, bright eyes wide,
at the sparkling fairground, and cried
(as the bumper cars rumbled,
enticingly jumbled),
""oh please, can i have just one ride?""
"
"it's only a tiny conjunction,
but but has a critical function:
it indicates, ""though
the preceding point's so,
there's a shift in my thoughts at this junction.""
"
"in peru, i saw twelve campesinos ?
twelve farmers ? on twelve palominos.
they showed me the yield
of their capsicum field,
and they each tossed me twelve jalapenos.
"
"the canonical form, we agree,
is the way an equation should be:
it's a standard that's used
so that no one's bemused,
such as y = mx + c.
"
"though each panel's a lively surprise,
this cartoonist draws nothing but lies,
for his characters smile,
but are trapped in the bile
hidden deep in their bubblegum eyes.
"
"there's something afoot ? be aware.
let's open our eyes and prepare.
the tension keeps growing;
the wind's started blowing.
it's brewing. a storm's in the air.
"
"when life doesn't go as you've planned,
and the strife is too much to withstand,
you pretend nothing's wrong
and you're jaunting along:
you bury your head in the sand.
"
"a sensation of deep fascination
can rapidly turn to fixation.
when enthralled by a theory,
we rarely grow weary:
we're lost in intense captivation.
"
"over rocks, rainbow water will fall
in cascades ? hear the waterfalls brawl
with that ring; as we listen,
they'll sing and they'll glisten:
cascading, cantabile, all.
"
"captivity's deadly. repression
provokes a consuming obsession
with ways to escape,
and when tactics take shape
and then fail, i will turn to aggression.
"
"when you alter its form or position,
a noun's not beyond recognition.
its meaning's the same,
but inflection's the game
with its case: its syntactical mission.
"
"but portia (that doctor renowned)
ruled that mercy, unstrained, could be found
in the bond, for no flood
of that life-fluid, blood,
was, along with the flesh, fully bound.
"
"come patter with raindrops asplatter,
a drizzle or drenching or spatter ?
come sunshine or rain,
i'll be chanting again,
but i'm casting a charm for the latter.
"
"he told us a chilling old tale
of a house where the floorboards would wail ?
of the spirits who'd shriek,
and the havoc they'd wreak ?
and we laughed as we watched him turn pale.
"
"a check digit's tacked on the end
of each codeword we're planning to send.
so, if odd 1's remain,
then we know ? what a pain! ?
there's an error we now have to mend.
"
"though it's stringy and merrily yellery,
sticklike and verily smellery,
there's more on the scenery:
all of this greenery
ain't necessarily celery.
"
"with a circle, i never get bored.
it's perfect ? so pleasing, unflawed.
on its curve i elect
these two points to connect:
now the line that i've drawn is a chord.
"
"from viewpoint to viewpoint you're ranging ?
embracing, then coldly estranging.
you can't make your mind up,
and that's why you wind up
incessantly chopping and changing.
"
"i'm plummeting free and don't care:
got a chute, so i'll tumble with flair
till its canopy spreads
as it tugs on the threads,
and i'll slow as it catches the air.
"
"if you're working with wood, my advice is:
this short definition suffices
to explicate bolt ?
not the lightning, you dolt,
but a log to be chopped into slices.
"
"he whittled the willow, beguiled
by this wood-fusion, mild mixed with wild.
as the wind and her whistle
set whispers abristle,
he sighed, and his carving-child smiled.
"
"it's the term for the log getting hewed,
but may also refer to what's viewed
when the chopping's all finished:
the log's now diminished,
but bolts, short and round, have accrued.
"
"though it mightn't sound quite realistic,
my philosophy's basic, simplistic.
magic solvents? and gold?
an elixir? i'm sold!
my ambitions and aims: alchemistic.
"
"that bite as my palms find the catch ?
for a moment, i'm queen of this patch
of the water that sings
as my butterfly swings.
body, water: a rapturous match.
"
"i'll unravel the riddles of old;
slay the dragon; gain glory and gold
by unfolding each scene
in this story onscreen.
with adventure games, everyone's bold.
"
"it's a property held by a gene,
but just what does allelism mean?
being one of a set
whose distinct members let
variation between us be seen.
"
"though darwinian selection is blind,
it is not by committee, you'll find.
can camels lack grace
though designed with the place
where they need to survive borne in mind?
"
"we are atheist authors, and know
theists think us irreverent... whoa!
all the wonders unfurled
in this mind-blowing world
make our pantheist awe overflow.
"
"in those time-honoured tales that they've told us,
intending to scold us and mould us,
red riding hood goes
for a traipse in the snows
with her cardinal draped round her shoulders.
"
"the mountains with cake-icing caps;
the rivers that flow in their laps:
land ebbing and peaking.
cartographically speaking,
it's there to be made into maps.
"
"meet anu. he's the star of the show:
lord of demons and dungeons below
and the earth and the skies,
in sumerian eyes
(or he was, six millenniums ago).
"
"dear, that scheme is distinctly depressing.
the rate's astronomic, i'm guessing.
renting land on uranus
is likely to drain us ?
no, i don't think i'll give it my blessing.
"
"in court, with his balance and knife,
he was poised to take justice and life
and to weigh out his fresh
pound of fair, promised flesh,
though the cries of ""sweet mercy!"" were rife.
"
"but ? ""i will have my bond!"" shylock cried,
for his bloodlust would not be denied.
debt unpaid, he would menace
the merchant of venice,
avenging his spat-upon pride.
"
"the caskets were gold, silver, lead,
bringing joy, trepidation and dread.
two princes chose poorly;
bassanio demurely
unlocked his love's portrait instead.
"
"so bassanio (not lender but spender)
was furnished with ducats and splendour.
to belmont he sailed,
with his purpose unveiled:
for portia to be a contender.
"
"antonio ventured beyond
friendship's usual charge to respond
to bassanio's request,
for, at shylock's behest,
he committed his flesh to a bond.
"
"a torrent, profusion, parade,
inundation, abundance arrayed
for an onslaught, a surge,
a bombardment, a splurge.
this collection of words? a cascade.
"
"when the metal's so hot that it glows
and then melts (becomes fluid and flows),
then it's ready to cast.
pour it quick, thick and fast,
into moulds, to be shaped as you chose.
"
"my button-eared pup, you need scolding!
those ears, flopping forwards and folding,
should listen! i'll nuzzle
your blunt little muzzle
and sniff you. you're perfect for holding.
"
"though the times were the worst and the best,
sydney carton's bleak life was not blessed
till he knelt in the shade
of the guillotine's blade
and prepared for his far better rest.
"
"so... the moral that might be obtained
from those bigots, by love unrestrained?
through such prejudiced folks,
shakespeare shows us, with jokes,
how a tolerant world is less pained.
"
"circulation's gone down for our paper:
we're selling far fewer. this taper
is caused by the news,
which makes purchasers snooze.
seems they'd rather read vacuous vapour.
"
"the egg-and-spoon racer, limbs shaking,
was inept at avoidance of breaking,
and with yolk all bemired,
as his muscles grew tired,
he lamented, ""my egg's started laking!""
"
"there's a stroke that i think is a cursed stroke:
a battle-but-rarely-come-first stroke;
a backwards-attack stroke;
to me, it's a slack stroke,
'cause that stroke is backstroke, my worst stroke.
"
"through blackness and blueness he shifted;
she, too, in her life only drifted.
but the smile she produced
was a wonderful boost ?
he felt confident, buoyant, uplifted.
"
"though a greatly distinguished professor,
rob wasn't that much of a guesser,
so he dithered and blanched
when the woodland path branched ?
then he took the one travelled the lesser.
"
"you're irate at the wait ? ten to eight,
and the jam that you hate won't abate.
all the cars, chock-a-block:
traffic solid as rock,
and the tock of the clock says, ""you're late!""
"
"her courtesy only confirms
she considers us pitiful worms,
since she's civil ? polite ?
whilst repressing her bite.
good manners, when chilly, cause squirms.
"
"that's benedick, poor maligned man,
fighting beatrice as well as he can
with his clowning and sparring.
they're ceaselessly jarring,
and both have, for marriage, no plan.
"
"and the watch comes with news for the cause:
here's borachio, caught! he gives pause
to harsh claudio's fury,
confessing, ""oh, jury,
she's blameless ? they're mine, hero's flaws.""
"
"no, not dead ? but the wedding, though started,
has fallen apart. he's departed,
and she's been belied.
what to do? say she's died,
and good claudio won't stay hard-hearted.
"
"in his fox-scented coat, nature's plush,
he pauses, one paw raised, then ? hush! ?
as his nose gently pushes
through midnight-lit bushes,
he holds high his tail, or his brush.
"
"you'll be callow, my chickling, my own,
till you've sprouted your feathers and flown.
come away from the edge,
or you'll fall from this ledge.
you can fly when you're fledged ? when they've grown.
"
"back and forth, he has carried the news ?
now from south back to north he's brought views
to the leaders who heard
not his voice but his word;
now their own marches miles in his shoes.
"
"haphazardly cutting and shearing
the corners, you're swerving and veering.
this neck-breaking speeding
is leaving you leading,
careening and keenly careering.
"
"hear the town's rotting ""welcome"" sign creak,
now it's long past its affluent peak.
once, it bustled and thrived,
but it can't be revived.
it's a carcass, left empty and bleak.
"
"your start in the world is a mess,
but you don't have to wallow in stress.
though you're left on your own,
by your efforts alone
you can bootstrap yourself to success.
"
"though a pale winter's dawn may be splendid,
it's freezing ? has night really ended?
i'm glad i'm awake
as the day starts to break,
but i sure hope the sunshine gets mended!
"
"she's a rock, standing firm through the strife:
a good daughter and sister and wife.
raising children who care?
there her capstone's laid; they're
petra's crowning achievement in life.
"
"if it seems that you merely survive ?
just exist ? don't feel thankful or thrive,
simply pause for one breath ?
not to think about death,
but to savour that instant alive.
"
"with a blade, mark your name into ice;
it will melt into water, each slice.
carve your name into stone;
it will stay there, alone,
for a long geological trice.
"
"box the compass? that's easy ? i'm grinning.
simply start with the north (the beginning).
north by east follows that;
north-northeast's where it's at
for the next bit.... my head's started spinning!
"
"he's always more grinning than grim;
he'll playfully act on a whim;
his reasoning's specious;
he's often facetious;
he's blithe and capricious ? that's him.
"
"some poetry, once in a while,
employs archilochian style.
iambic satirics ?
invention in lyrics ?
it's written with gusto and guile.
"
"a blanket term's frequently heard
to generalise greatly. absurd!
the confusion's made worse,
since the group's so diverse:
the distinctions get buried or blurred.
"
"hear that sound ? it is music to me ?
of water on rocks in the sea.
that soul-lifting brawl
makes my heart stand up tall.
it's so fresh and so wild. i feel free!
"
"for optimal teaching and learning,
they stuck us in sets. how discerning!
the groups are: the best;
the slowest; the rest.
it's called banding, and bitter we're turning.
"
"when you're woebegone, down, feeling low,
you need someone to whom you can go ?
who will help you take stock,
as your mainstay, your rock,
and your anchor. you need one, you know.
"
"i try not to swear or to curse,
since it's dumb and makes everything worse.
instead, i say, ""blast!""
it's a word unsurpassed
in its mildness for usage in verse.
"
"i'm someone who's rarely arrayed
in glamorous glitz. i'm not swayed
by the teens and their scenes,
'cause i like these old jeans.
i don't care that they're faded and frayed.
"
"the metal's sharp shine will entice
me to skate on the rink in a trice:
each boot with its blade
lends me speed that's displayed
as i slice across shimmering ice.
"
"compound levers are truly high-flyers ?
almost all a designer desires.
at the fulcrum, two levers
are hinged. such achievers
are nutcrackers, scissors, and pliers.
"
"she's cheerless and chilly. behold
how she'll scathingly, snappily scold.
she's distant, disdainful ?
finds friendliness painful.
she's frigid and frosty. she's cold.
"
"""nope, you're cold. freezing cold. cold as ice,""
she says gleefully. (sisters... so nice.)
""oh, that's warmer... a bit...
nope, you're cold."" let me quit!
i've explored the whole house, almost ? twice!
"
"set aside all that billowing ocean
of sentiment. mindful devotion
to rational thought
helps you judge as you ought.
cold logic beats skittish emotion.
"
"hosting lunch for a dieting group,
she had proffered a drink with their soup,
and the cork, wrested out
from the wine bottle's spout,
made a sound that is known as a cloop.
"
"this design shows two circles, one snared
in the bounds of the other. they're paired
with enchanting simplicity
and suave concentricity:
two circles, one centre that's shared.
"
"with the help of some fitting statistics,
we chart, in contrastive linguistics,
how lingos compare
(do they differ? and where?)
in their lexicons, grammars, stylistics.
"
"the clackety metrical feet
of the train, as i curl on my seat
in a travel-worn heap,
almost lull me to sleep
with a cadenced and rhythmical beat.
"
"you're terse: sometimes brusque, sometimes blunt.
you don't waffle. you rarely confront
any issue digressing
from what you're addressing.
but conciseness does not mean a grunt!
"
"education should aim to enhance
children's thinking. when given the chance,
growing minds can be freed
from a church school's old creed.
teach them wonder and truth ? that's our stance.
"
"don't hop down the lane, quite at ease:
stay away from our orb-eyeballs, please,
or these dreadlamps will find you
to bind you and blind you ?
ensnared and bedazzled, you'll freeze.
"
"to hermes, in winged sandals shod,
the caduceus (white-ribboned rod)
gave the power to harm
or to heal and to calm,
as a tool for this messenger god.
"
"this cool, moving air is a treat
after stagnant and harrowing heat:
the breath that will kiss you;
that feeling of bliss you
have missed for so long ? fresh and sweet.
"
"with iron, they taught me that sin
burrows deeper than scars on my skin.
that singe-mark will last
and will dredge up the past:
i'm branded, without and within.
"
"between thick knotted branches i lie:
staring up from this tree, i could fly.
twisted limbs are ensnarled
with each other and gnarled
in a lattice that splinters the sky.
"
"suffragettes, when in prison, campaign.
but their hunger strikes? sadly in vain,
since the powers meow,
""cat and mouse act! allow
their release ? till they're healthy again.""
"
"the sand stretches on by the mile,
indistinguished ? each shifting, soft pile ?
by the bake of the sun
beating down: day's begun,
with the heat and restraint i revile.
"
"in the depths of your mind in the night,
you are frozen, then frenzied: take flight
at the bark of the guns
as their stark harshness stuns
and you struggle awake ? towards light.
"
"this website's deliciously strewn
with our verses ? not quite all in tune,
so we'll beaver away
through the night and the day,
and they'll all read like dreams pretty soon.
"
"this canopy blinds me with blue,
though the dawn and its dew are still new.
autumn sun, low and bright,
with its cold, burnished light,
leaves the sky as a stark, empty view.
"
"at the altar next morning ? his pride
badly wounded ? he turns on his bride.
""she is rotten, impure!
this i cannot endure!""
and she falls ? poor wronged hero has died?
"
"with the girl's future husband in tow,
don john hides in the shadows below,
while borachio sighs,
""oh, sweet hero..."" he lies!
but poor claudio isn't to know.
"
"and don john is still seething with spite ?
there's a break-up he wants to incite.
so he brews up a plan:
let the friends see a man
next to hero's dark window by night.
"
"with the two feisty b's still at war,
and the wait for the wedding a bore,
all their friends, restless, scheme:
they're a matchmaking team
spreading heart-throbbing rumours galore.
"
"although claudio, anguished, bewails
the sad loss of his darling, tall tales
like don john's can't last long,
so they right that cruel wrong.
now for marriage there's wind in the sails.
"
"but don john's a malevolent foe:
he's a back-stabbing traitor, and so
he says claudio's tricked,
and don pedro has picked
that young maid for himself. oh, the woe!
"
"intervening to help them to meet,
good don pedro is sweet and discreet,
and alluringly charming ?
such charm is disarming! ?
so hero is swept off her feet.
"
"now, but claudio ? he is besotted.
fair hero's the maiden he's spotted.
though benedick teases,
he feels as he pleases:
his heart to this girl is allotted.
"
"and here's beatrice, as sharp as she's pretty:
she's fire-tongued and merry and witty.
she welcomes the guests ?
but to one, though she jests,
she serves nothing but scorn and harsh pity.
"
"leonato's a gentleman true,
so his guests mustn't simply pass through.
""we'll accommodate all!
stay a month! have a ball!""
so don pedro and company do.
"
"correlative conjunctions allot
each related component a slot.
thus, comparing a pair
is a simple affair:
see, both neither and nor hit the spot.
"
"ivan pavlov made use of a bell
to condition his pets to its knell.
his dinnertime rule
meant the canines would drool
for the food that the bell would foretell.
"
"trading many a truculent glare,
they were rivals (as all were aware)
and eternally galled.
so a meeting was called
with the purpose of clearing the air.
"
"you strike a harmonious tone
with the logical flow you condone
in your speech; every section
supports your direction.
concinnity ? that's what you've shown.
"
"the sweetie-jars line every wall,
holding sugar-crazed children in thrall ?
they're reluctant to budge,
'cause, from sherbet to fudge,
the confectioner's shop has it all.
"
"that's fahrenheit! celsius, please.
a conversion is simply a breeze.
first subtract; then divide;
and the last step applied
is to multiply up the degrees.
"
"memories sharpened by fate's sharpened claw,
washing over you, bid you withdraw
as despair circumfuses
your heart, and your bruises
feel young again, sore again, raw.
"
"with disease, one should never neglect
family trees. they are carefully checked.
high concordance in twins
means one likely begins
to suspect a genetic effect.
"
"little cobnut tree, how do you grow?
you're a corylus member, and so
on your branches grow showers
of catkins for flowers,
with clusters of cobnuts below.
"
"the sky on a wintery day,
with the sunshine subdued, far away,
is a beauty, if bleak,
with a dash of mystique,
and its hue is a cold bluish grey.
"
"and she lives, and there's nothing amiss!
what rejoicing! what ardour! what bliss!
and the joy is compounded ?
we're slightly dumbfounded! ?
as beatrice and benedick kiss.
"
"so the couples are happy and true
in their marriages, sparkling new,
after all of that stewing
and fro-ing and to-ing.
for nothing, what heaps of ado!
"
"in messina, the courts are aglow
with the news of the victory ? so
now the soldiers, returning,
set everything churning:
all's hustle and bustle and show.
"
"when you ski ? above all, when it's misty ?
you'll turn at high speed where it's twisty
by shifting your weight ?
keep the skis lined up straight! ?
and performing an elegant christie.
"
"i like to go out with my feet in
the open ? barefoot in the street. in
the grass, though, are thistles,
and thistles have bristles,
and bristles like this'll cause bleatin'.
"
"we're designed by a god, i suppose,
and his skillful benevolence shows.
why else are supplied
for the old or weak-eyed
two round ears and the bridge of the nose?
"
"in the citadels (halls) where they meet,
they espouse dated dogmas replete
with ideas that alarm me.
the great sally army
dilutes its good works with conceit.
"
"for the basics, degrees are okay,
but for real mathematical play,
use the circular measure
(that's radians) at leisure.
your angles will not go astray.
"
"the sine and the cosine are waves
that cascade across graphs. they are slaves
to the triangle's junctions
as circular functions.
each rhythmically bows and behaves.
"
"but your logic is stuck ? it won't move
from its circular argument's groove.
yes, the sole valid ""hence...""
is: you're lacking in sense ?
you assumed what you wanted to prove!
"
"the contributors scribble and write,
and the editors squabble and fight,
and the stuff we produce
becomes tidy and spruce ?
the oedilfian way's a delight.
"
"hey, david, will you write line two?
sure, waterrocks. next one's for you.
here's the third, then ? that's fine.
so i guess this one's mine.
be my co-author? yes, or i'll sue!
"
"she's a canine with gracile agility;
she's tranquil, with gentle docility.
since she's sweet as a friend,
most of all, i commend
her unrivalled companionability.
"
"never litter the street ? that's a start.
and recycle your stuff, if you're smart.
take the bus, as you should.
you'll be righteous and good,
conscientiously doing your part.
"
"compound leaves, any kid understands,
all have common-stalk leaflets or strands.
some are pinnate (like fern),
others palmate ? these earn
this description by looking like hands.
"
"some are nervous with most types of crowd,
but this host's kind and warm, not too loud.
he acts so convivially
that joining in's trivially
easy: the shy ones aren't cowed.
"
"you got bitten by rover? don't curse,
for a snakebite's considerably worse.
(with regard to compassion,
these lines' stingy ration
is considerably low, for a verse.)
"
"two integers, seen as a pair,
due to factors the two of them share ?
namely minus one, one,
and then, after that, none ?
are two coprimes (not hard to ensnare).
"
"little chimney-sweep boy, who must climb
up a flue in the dark, it's a crime
that your clothes are all holey,
your face grim and coaly ?
it's dusty and blackened with grime.
"
"though, for some, winter blues are unfurled
when it's dark, i'm contentedly curled
in a comfortable nook
with my laptop or book,
thinking everything's right with the world.
"
"it's a cityscape long past its prime,
full of high-rises, asphalt and grime,
and you lower your face
as you're striding apace
through this jungle of concrete and crime.
"
"it's a task that i've barely begun,
and your carping does not make it fun.
you call it ""constructive""?
it's counterproductive!
i'm not getting anything done!
"
"agreement, in grammar, refers
to the fact that, when errors occurs,
all your clauses perturbs,
'cause the subjects and verbs
doesn't matches, and clarities blurs.
"
"we've stretched out the sail on a boom,
and our boat's all impatient to zoom.
we'll be booming along
with a spirited song ?
so you'll join us on board, i assume?
"
"log nine to base three equals two.
and now i'll explain how i knew:
to get nine, you will see
that you multiply three
by itself ? that's two threes, so it's true.
"
"when i clamber up cliffs where i ramble,
grabbing foliage helps me to scramble.
though it stops me from slipping,
i'm gambling by gripping
what's sometimes a handful of bramble.
"
"there's a spot in your eye where you'll find
that no light-sensing cells are assigned,
so your brain just expounds: it
is like what surrounds it.
where nerve meets with disc, you are blind.
"
"""by railway? too clunky,"" she sighs.
and the water's too wet, in her eyes,
and the roads are too curvy
and windy and swervy.
so we'll travel by air: through the skies.
"
"since we purchased our luxury moat
(which was poorly installed, i should note),
with regards to both cash
and the ominous splash
at the windows, we're barely afloat.
"
"the chink of our finished-with plates
is a sound that our canine equates
with the chink of, perhaps,
metal bowls filled with scraps.
optimistic, she eagerly waits.
"
"contagious magic is less than direct ?
through an object it takes its effect:
if the thing's been connected
to you ? you're infected!
(delusion and fraud, i suspect.)
"
"contact binary: two stars are paired
in this system, companions ensnared
by each other, converging
so close that they're merging,
their gaseous envelopes shared.
"
"dancing monster, it mangles and maims:
even metal, turned molten, it claims.
we'll remember this theft
when the embers are left,
with the rest all consumed by the flames.
"
"back when farming was seldom for profit
and growers of produce would scoff it,
the common land zone
was the villagers' own,
so they couldn't be told to get off it.
"
"to construct geometrically, use
both an edge and a compass to fuse
sweeping arcs and straight lines
for specific designs,
taking care with the shapes that you choose.
"
"cairns-smith has a theory outr?:
that our ultimate origins may
be unearthed in formations
of sedimentations
that replicate: crystals of clay.
"
"a bewitching, enchanting young belle,
she's delightful ? and artful, as well.
be warned that what's charmful
can sometimes be harmful:
beware falling prey to her spell.
"
"i'm surrounded by secrets that lurk
in the shadows, by intrigue and murk.
circumambient mystery,
when misted in history,
suffices to drive me berserk.
"
"every day brings another complaint ?
feeling nauseous, achy and faint.
just what is this disease?
hypo-what-dria? jeez!
is it fatal? oh, please say it ain't!
"
"in competitive sports, it's defeating
opponents that matters (no cheating!).
but partaking for leisure
can still be a pleasure
for people not up for competing.
"
"your fugu? it's hopeless to fix it,
since the chef made the error to mix it
with contaminant stuff
that was deadly enough
that we can't find a place to deep-six it.
"
"i was bad ? i displayed little rightness.
this was caused by my sad lack of brightness.
i regret it. ashamed,
i will gladly be blamed,
but do heed, i will plead, my contriteness.
"
"though once cottage industries thrived,
there are few that have truly survived
the industrialisation
of much of the nation,
when factory systems arrived.
"
"what's a carmichael number? well, i'm
just about to explain in this rhyme.
take a b and an n
(21, say, and 10)
such that b is n's relative prime.
"
"consumers are those who make use
of the service or goods you produce.
in a food chain, i think,
a consumer's a link
that might gorge on a thistle or goose.
"
"no control group? they'll show you the door.
in your clinical trials, ensure
you've got folks to compare
with the ones in your care
who are taking your ""miracle cure"".
"
"a counterexample's a case
your conjecture has failed to embrace.
thus it's proved to be wrong,
so it doesn't belong,
and another must stand in its place.
"
"there is one common ancestor shared
by all species on earth. when compared,
they distinctly endorse
the idea of one source,
although only a few have been spared.
"
"operations in maths often may
be commutative: flip 'em away!
a + b is the same,
so logicians proclaim,
as the opposite way: b + a.
"
"little brats should be seen and not heard ?
so opined the victorians. word!
since silence is golden
(that's also an old 'un),
all conticent kids are preferred.
"
"and the courtiers, summoned, lament
all their wrongs of the past and repent.
now contrite, they rejoice
for the prince and his choice
of a wife. every soul is content.
"
"now prospero, sighing, must part
with the magic so close to his heart.
so his book must be drowned,
staff destroyed; now uncrowned,
he's abandoned the sorcerer's art.
"
"the drunken conspirators plan
to destroy and purloin what they can.
but the hunting-horn sounds:
there are spirit-world hounds
in pursuit! so they flee, to a man.
"
"with enchantments and spirits unbound,
now he conjures a show to astound ?
it's a magical masque.
then he leaves: there's a task
still remaining ? a plot to confound.
"
"so they're tempted to eat... then, dismay!
""men of sin, evil fools, you will pay
for your treacherous creeds,
your accursed misdeeds,""
rumbles ariel, melting away.
"
"then music is heard ? how alarming!
but caliban's calm, since it's charming.
the isle, he declares,
full of sounds and sweet airs,
isn't harmful, though sometimes disarming.
"
"the drunkards are plotting a coup,
for the mage won't be hard to outdo:
take his book, take his power;
watch prospero cower;
his daughter will fall to them too.
"
"""sweet miranda, admired and adored...""
murmurs ferdinand, wonder outpoured,
as he rests from his work.
witness prospero lurk ?
and he's glad his commands are ignored.
"
"here's stefano, a drunken disgrace ?
he and trinculo stumble apace
upon caliban: ""beast?
monstrous fish-man? at least
if it's drunk it will show us this place.""
"
"antonio has bloodshed in mind ?
and sebastian, too ? but they find
that their king-killing plot
doesn't come to a lot,
for it wasn't adeptly designed.
"
"by our neighbours, our reasoning's thwarted,
perception and judgement distorted.
communal endorsement
provides reinforcement
of stances that stand unsupported.
"
"with our bias for ""self"" intervening,
we're sadly proficient at gleaning
from masterful patter
the parts we think matter.
thus cold readings seem to have meaning.
"
"she's eccentric, haphazard, and wild,
not a born-to-be-orderly child ?
always acting chaotically,
dressing exotically,
whirlingly-swirlingly styled.
"
"winding tracks lie entangled ahead,
and the mists have descended and spread:
gentle blanketing, cloaking
the hillsides, evoking
a time beyond memory's tread.
"
"so a god, as the ultimate cause,
wound our universe up with its laws,
and it's still smoothly ticking,
the gears neatly clicking,
like clockwork? this theory has flaws...
"
"this system is closed: it forgoes
all transference; no energy flows
in or out of its bounds,
to or from its surrounds.
inexorably, entropy grows.
"
"the camelback sofa's design
has a profile that sweeps in a line,
rising up with a lump
at the back, like a hump,
in the spot between your head and mine.
"
"you muse, ""let the customer choose,""
yet you're constantly out to confuse,
and you're hugely enthused
when we're duly bemused,
since bamboozlement rules as a ruse.
"
"when i browse on the web, there's a quick stream ?
a mouse-moving, flow-fast-and-thick stream ?
of skimming and picking
and slick-sliding clicking:
a trail that i flick through ? a clickstream.
"
"many vectors are usefully split
by components on axes: to wit,
we can chart, to be smart,
both a vertical part
and a flat left-to-right-running bit.
"
"our pondering's over ? let's act!
yes, it's time for this task to be cracked!
clear the decks ? let's prepare!
not a moment to spare,
'cause the problem must now be attacked!
"
"from the shade of the weeds with a start,
in a shoal that will shatter apart,
to and fro, in and out,
shadows dancing about,
the inquisitive sticklebacks dart.
"
"let's consider an angle acute
and a figure we'll have to compute:
tally x degrees more,
making 90 the score ?
that's the complement needed to suit.
"
"a craft is a trade needing skill
in a manual art, if you will,
such as woodwork or beadwork.
it's surely agreed work
like this is both handy and brill!
"
"she was frantic and ready to flip,
'cause her hair wasn't hip for the trip.
it needed some gripping
(or maybe just snipping);
she fastened it back with a clip.
"
"of the moirae the youngest, she'd wind
fortune's yarn on her distaff, designed
to control mortals' lives:
who must suffer, who thrives.
this is clotho, her threads intertwined.
"
"with a lilting and gambolling gait,
compound metre's requirements dictate:
every bar (every measure),
for folk-dancing pleasure,
has beats split by threes, like nine-eight.
"
"all biotic goods' sources are live.
for examples, consider these five:
there are chitin and silk,
then linoleum, milk,
and the honey that comes from a hive.
"
"there's a storm brewing up in the sea
as it roughens and threatens the quay
with its seething and churning,
retreating, returning,
and stirring up foam with esprit.
"
"there's the ordinary tabby or grey cat,
the cougar, the sand cat, the bay cat,
the lion, the lynx,
and the margay that slinks,
and the cheetah (an ""out-of-my-way!"" cat).
"
"but her father prevents things progressing:
""you'll serve me!"" he roars. how distressing!
they'll trade but a glance
until prospero grants
their embrace his approval, his blessing.
"
"when miranda sees ferdinand... true,
he's a prince, but that's little to do
with his noble design.
he's a man? oh, divine!
what a world ? oh, how brave and how new!
"
"native caliban's cursing, contorted,
in prospero's service, exhorted
to bow and obey
or endure, night and day,
crippling cramps; his intentions are thwarted.
"
"by prospero's forceful command,
spirit ariel brings them to land
with his sorcery lore
and supreme neptune's roar.
now they're scattered about on the strand.
"
"those blackguards, those dastardly knaves
who deposed him, are out on the waves,
as he speaks, blown asunder ?
but not going under
to languish in watery graves.
"
"so he tells of their background, their past:
once the duke of milan, and then cast
out to sea, he's contrived
that the two have survived,
for his knowledge of magic is vast.
"
"on an island nearby: ""time to mend
years of ignorance ? now they shall end,""
declares prospero, quite
to miranda's delight.
""listen closely, my girl, now: attend...""
"
"the working-class men made a stand:
""our charter lists every demand ?
let the vote be the norm!
social justice! reform!""
swiftly, chartism spread through the land.
"
"in place of precise authenticity,
i'll choose, in explaining, simplicity:
electrons will go,
in a wire, with the flow,
because copper conducts electricity.
"
"a cladist's a scientist paid
to uphold the taxonomy trade.
with an indexing bent,
she examines descent,
whereby classifications are made.
"
"a short bit of film with a quip
or a gag where the newlyweds slip
or a cliffhanger shot
or a hint at the plot
of a forthcoming movie: a clip.
"
"i like commas, you see; and, it's true,
little curlicues; really, i do.
my close punctuation,
a triumph! sensation!,
is clear; so, you can't misconstrue.
"
"just creating two camps is enough
to turn innocent children all rough.
they are ""them"", we are ""us"";
that's the source of the fuss
and the reason we want to seem tough.
"
"a masterwork's cradle? a brain.
humanity's cradle? the plain.
your cradle's the place
where you first leave a trace,
though you soon grow beyond that domain.
"
"the ground that we stand on, you must
understand, isn't quite as robust
as it looks; any slant'll
land land in the mantle.
we've only a thin little crust.
"
"there's a fourth of a semibreve's wait
till the tones of the crotchet abate.
its note-head is filled,
but the stem isn't frilled,
for it's flagless and faultlessly straight.
"
"life is hard, but he never despairs;
sinful teddies he names in his prayers,
making signs over some
so that blessings will come:
thus he patiently crosses his bears.
"
"this limerick draft is a pain,
so i'll crumple the page with disdain,
throw the screwed-up first try
in the bin, with a sigh,
and begin it all over again.
"
"do pelicans eat till they drop?
do they never know when they should stop?
is the pelican's craw
as immense as his jaw?
is he sticking the fish in his crop?
"
"a cross is a mix we festoon
with a combo of features ? a boon.
for example, the spork
teams the stab of a fork
with the elegant scoop of a spoon.
"
"the extent of the quake, i'll surmise,
means the death toll continues to rise.
they cleared bodies and rubble;
disease now makes trouble
where poor sanitation applies.
"
"""here's a feature that might cause some laughter
in our game: when you peer round this rafter,
then a creature should creep
into view and say 'feep!'""
""dr. spooner, that's not what we're after.""
"
"as a member, i cannot resign,
but it's time to have time that is mine.
i have long served our land,
so present my demand
for the hundreds of chiltern.  please sign.
"
"must work quickly.  there's no time to lose.
there's this bomb that i need to defuse
ere the timer hits zero.
they think i'm the hero
but i can't tell my greens from my blues.
"
"take a perfectly good piece of ground,
lay some wood, so the ground can't be found.
though attractive, your decking
appears to be wrecking
those lands where the wood should abound.
"
"breaking news: when a story's emerging.
breaking cover: from trenches we're surging.
breaking down: when you cry
(breaking up might be why).
breaking wind: excess gases you're purging.
"
"""to the home of the gods i shall ride,
clad in nothing but animal hide.
i was faithless, derided,
and so i've decided
on deicide!""  (bet he'll be fried.)
"
"as the volume of traffic enlarges,
cars and airplanes and sea-going barges,
at peak times, cause congestion.
how to answer this question?
when it's heavy, we'll levy some charges.
"
"the salt of deoxyribose
nucleic acid, one knows,
is two helical chains.
this structure explains
what my latest experiment shows.
"
"what you did with him on the settee
is a tale that infuriates me.
but i'll tell you another:
when i courted your mother,
her dad said the same thing to me!
"
"i was sure your restraint wouldn't last:
as expected, the pale's been surpassed.
you're beyond it, in fact.
yes, the way that you act
leaves the thickest-skinned rascal aghast.
"
"here's a crankshaft all eager to go,
with a piston that shoots to and fro.
the connecting rod links them
and neatly in-syncs them
so power can pulsingly flow.
"
"well sure, it's completely conceivable ?
but, crucially, is it believable?
imagining's easy;
what isn't so breezy
is making your daydreams achievable.
"
"for a ball or a puck out of play,
or a toddler attempting to stray,
or impertinent questions,
or tactless suggestions,
out of bounds is the phrase that we say.
"
"a circuit that works is my goal,
with resistors for current control,
a capacitor (which is
for timing), and switches.
components, combined, make a whole.
"
"little brats in a car seem untrainable
and seldom at all entertainable.
undefeated, you'll see
that the seatbelts are key:
kids are, luckily, partly constrainable.
"
"our puppy, who'd cornered a mole,
was unsure of her trap-and-kill role.
did she mean it? too scared,
she herself seemed ensnared,
with her play-chasing out of control.
"
"your teachers make strange allegations...
those upcoming qualifications?
you're taking them cold?
well, no wonder they scold,
if it's true that you've scorned preparations!
"
"these builders are cheap, but by rights,
being thrifty should not mean such slights.
though we all make mistakes,
no foundations?! that takes
cutting corners to dizzy new heights!
"
"their taste is more tangy than sweet,
so these apples aren't ready to eat.
they're for cooking, of course ?
chop 'em up for a sauce
or a fruit-laden crumbly treat.
"
"i know python and java and c,
even basic and xslt.
need a byte or a sprite?
i will write it tonight!
you're alright with a coder like me!
"
"there's a woodwork instructor, fred hope,
who considers each student a dope.
""what's this implement for?
cutting curves!  coping saw
is its name.  how on earth do i cope?""
"
"once a bus route went straight past my door.
it ran three times a day; but no more,
since the v28
(being constantly late)
was replaced by the 74.
"
"there's a cornflower field i walk through
in my best dress of cornflower blue.
i remember the day
when you drifted away;
still there's nothing i need more than you.
"
"see this steaming, scorched earth, this black void?
it was once a great wood we enjoyed,
until one careless spark
set alight some dry bark;
within days the whole place was destroyed.
"
"i'm unveiling a small dental plaque.
it reads: ""in memoriam: lack
of good brushing and floss
ended up with the loss
of my teeth at the front and the back.""
"
"as we stared at the darkening skies,
we had trouble believing our eyes.
was it thunderclouds curled,
or the end of the world,
or a plague, from the bible, of flies?
"
"the new postman enquired, ""i assume
i work here ? the delivery room?""
what a shock!  he turned pale:
it was not for the mail,
but where babies emerged from the womb.
"
"need some typing done quick? don't go wrong:
better hope barbara blackburn's on song.
to the keyboard she'll delve;
at two hundred and twelve
words per minute, she shouldn't take long.
"
"it is time to defrost the deep freeze.
here are chops that i've frozen in threes,
unidentified cheese,
half a packet of peas,
and some cake from my auntie louise.
"
"competition occurs when resources
are scarce; what it leads to, of course, is
succeeding and breeding
or feeble receding:
selection by natural forces.
"
"the waterscape, ebbing and swelling ?
mesmeric, engrossing, dispelling
all thoughts from your mind
as your daydreams unwind ?
is hypnotic, alluring, compelling.
"
"little square, you should try not to tangle
with big shapes; it's useless to wrangle.
the concave club decrees:
""top one-eighty degrees
in at least one interior angle.""
"
"uh... concerning that issue today...
apropos that... mistake, i daresay...
with regard to the latter...
in view of the matter...
i'm sorry. there, said it, okay??
"
"living things, it was seen, have a drive
to survive; on aliveness they thrive.
conatus became
this propensity's name,
from the latin conari (""to strive"").
"
"see, ""x squared minus eight x plus six
equals nought"" can be written, for kicks:
""(x less four), when it's squared,
equals ten"". you're prepared
for completing the square with these tricks.
"
"with these axioms, true propositions
proposed by the system's conditions
can all be inferred
by deduction. the word
for such sets is complete, say logicians.
"
"by the shore where the seabirds go roaming,
the winter wind's howlingly combing
the sweep of the bay,
whipping sand up, and spray,
as the waves are cascading and foaming.
"
"they snidely, chastisingly chided,
debunked and decried and derided.
with clamorous clatter,
their views on the matter
went crash as they clashed and collided.
"
"five and eight, when divided by three,
share remainders of two, you'll agree,
so there's congruence there.
with such pairings, beware,
since the modulus chosen is key.
"
"when an integer's chosen, endeavour
to see if its factors will ever
reach double its size;
then, deficient applies
if the sum gives the answer ""no, never"".
"
"""to be wasteful is simply obscene.
let our energy sources be clean!
oh, and cars should be banned.""
this unwavering stand
is described by the colour deep green.
"
"when you find there's a flaw to refine,
or a fault undermines the design,
that's a defect ? which curse,
with regard to this verse,
appertains to the very last
"
"jump from ten to a hundred, and then
logarithmically scramble again
to a thousand. such gaps,
known as decades, elapse
when you're counting in factors of ten.
"
"accomplished by force or with tact;
independent or bound by a pact;
off the wall or conventional;
in general, intentional:
a deed is a purposeful act.
"
"atoms set in a line like a string,
or perhaps in a minuscule ring,
either way, will enable
the use of one label:
a chain is the word for the thing.
"
"in prisoner's dilemma, project
an unmerciful bent and elect
not to grant your adversary
even a cursory
shred of allegiance: defect.
"
"in prisoner's dilemma, adjust
your opponent's approach towards trust
by assuming they're game
and will do just the same,
and cooperate. both of you must.
"
"he's undoubtedly deep. his intense
philosophical musings are dense,
but they must be insightful.
we'd find him delightful
if only he made any sense.
"
"here the river grows lazy and coils
in sauntering curves over soils
all sandy and baked,
earthy thirst to be slaked;
onwards, seawards, it languidly toils.
"
"let some needles drop down from on high
onto floorboards. record where they lie.
now buffon's method shows:
probabilities pose
a number converging on pi.
"
"infinities? no need to fear 'em,
though most mathematicians revere 'em ?
some smaller, some bigger.
don't get it? go figure
with cantor's diagonal theorem.
"
"a belief in a certain causation
can lead us to note correlation.
there's a bias to see
just the facts that agree:
we expect ? therefore get ? confirmation.
"
"his ideas revolutionised spinning,
but arkwright's success? just beginning.
his mills made him rich;
when his plans hit a hitch
with the patent, sir richard kept grinning.
"
"three times three gives you nine; that's a square.
you can forge on ahead, if you dare:
three times three, then times three,
gives a cube. these are key:
three dimensions are hardly that rare.
"
"she'd rather have speedily swished
down the streets; this was not what she'd wished.
there were hordes in a rush:
she was squashed in a crush,
getting crowded and crosser and squished.
"
"you start bailing out water when you
are alone in a boat, and the blue
waves begin to come in,
soak you through to your skin,
and then fill the whole vessel up, too.
"
"a space that a place can contain,
like a ventricle found in the brain,
or a seashell's partition ?
an apt definition
of chamber, in nature's domain.
"
"a chemist's a shop ? with shampoo,
many treatments for colds and the flu,
other tablets and pills,
maybe make-up and frills ?
and the pharmacist working there, too.
"
"seems a scientist isn't enough:
your enquiry, for me, is too tough.
so, in case i should err,
to my friend i'll defer ?
he's an expert in piffle and guff.
"
"when my father, the grumpy old codger,
saw me having some fun with the lodger
on the sofa-cum-bed,
he roared:  ""you will wed!
or i'll cut off both you and his todger!""
"
"at his bedside we struggled to hear,
then he coughed, and he whispered, ""draw near.""
so we all gathered round.
father's terminal sound
was: ""could one of you fetch me a beer?""
"
"david lynch values forthright objectors;
george lucas hates pensive reflectors;
ridley scott and john woo
must be told what to do.
be direct when directing directors.
"
"i haven't got quite enough time
to write an original rhyme.
i need to make haste,
so i'll copy-and-paste!
he stood up and spat on the ceiling.
"
"on the web, i'm a cad, i'm a rotter:
they give me the name cybersquatter.
your trademark? that so?
just hand over the dough:
the domain name is mine, so you gotta!
"
"our mp is no longer respected
since he found his expenses rejected.
claims for cleaning his moat
mean he can't win the vote,
so he stands on his own, deselected.
"
"every hand of most clocks in creation
engages in dextrogyration.
i could easily say,
""they turn clockwise,"" but, hey,
i prefer more arcane conversation.
"
"did you stride on the field, walking tall?
did you face down the very first ball?
when the innings was through,
last man in ? was it you?
then you've carried your bat ? that is all.
"
"do you long for a strong constitution?
does your belly need redistribution?
here's some water ? don't spill it.
now dissolve my pink pill ? it
will become the most perfect solution!
"
"i've a chorograph.  what is it for?
to make moves that impress on the floor?
every hour, will it chime?
no ? 'twas used at one time
to make triangles far from the shore.
"
"i have an unusual compunction
to define a disjunctive conjunction.
it's a word found between
sets of clauses, each seen
as distinct in its sense; that's its function.
"
"now here's murali, bowling to broad ?
and he's hit him for six!  we applaud
the magnificent cricket
he's played on this wicket ?
that's 100!  a century scored!
"
"a british columbian said:
""where's the place that i lay down my head?
no, it's not bogot?
and not leamington spa,
but it's fine old vancouver instead!""
"
"a dimwit's not right in his head.
his sewing machine's out of thread;
his lift, i am sure,
doesn't reach the top floor;
though the wheel spins, the hamster is dead.
"
"king richard the third would lament:
""cut my speech, and you misrepresent
what i said. what a bummer
to leave out the summer
that thaws our forlorn discontent!""
"
"in my chapel, there's no need to shout;
i'm the father, i've plenty of clout.
when my brothers and i
see you're left high and dry,
we'll down tools and cry, ""everyone out!""
"
"dodgy figures have come in from retail.
i must note every story, each wee tale,
each feeble excuse ?
they may all be of use.
i've been detailed to detail the detail.
"
"that shop owner's rude, and here's why:
all i said was, ""i'd quite like to buy
a new twelve-sided dice:
could you tell me the price?""
and with open disdain, he said, ""die.""
"
"this joker, this comic, this twerp'll
tell juvenile puns about purple.
""if buttercups are yellow,""
recites the young fellow,
""what colour are hiccups? ? they're burple!""
"
"my dirigible's second to none!
board my airship and join in the fun
as you travel in style
at the height of a mile.
(just don't mention the r-101.)
"
"have i fixed your computer?  well, not yet,
for it seems to have plenty of rot set.
it's infected its peers
for a number of years
while it's acted as part of a botnet.
"
"with another you're deeply involved,
but the problem is easily solved.
as a final resort
i will take you to court
where our marriage will soon be dissolved.
"
"to lose out to his bowling so torrid, or
to play a shot stylish and florid, or
to leave it?  my score
rarely reaches past four
when he bowls the uncertainty corridor.
"
"to dissolve is to seamlessly blend
between scenes that the screenwriter's penned.
this filmmaker's art
swaps the scene at the start,
with a mix, for the scene at the end.
"
"said oliver cromwell: ""no, no!
this rump parliament's naught but a show.
take this bauble ? this mace ?
and be gone from this place!
it's dissolved.  in the name of god, go!""
"
"though this candlelit dinner might thrill,
with a promise of romance to fill,
the room's only dingy
and dark 'cause i'm stingy:
unpaid electricity bill.
"
"when a cell wants to leave in a flash,
it will wiggle these hairs with a splash.
every cilium is used.
you should not get confused:
on your eye, the same word means ""a lash"".
"
"a girl with a frame like a delta
often wished that she could have been svelter.
her triangular figure
(chest small, bottom bigger)
meant she hated the shape that fate dealt 'er.
"
"it's cup final saturday!  we
won the semis v portsmouth 4-3!
now we've reached the last tie,
with a tear in my eye
i can say we've arrived ? wem-ber-lee!
"
"why decimalise? to make sense
of our pounds and our shillings and pence.
no more l, s and d:
now a hundred new p
make a pound!  (we'll have no truck with cents.)
"
"to expediate means to make haste,
to lay each obstruction to waste,
to affirm wheels are greased,
to get hold-ups released,
to ensure as the winner you're placed.
"
"this extended play single (ep)
contains four tracks, or possibly three.
they're frequently heard
at thirty-three and a third
rpm: that's the format you see.
"
"when you're stepping inside of this cavity,
you will notice traditional gravity
undergoes evitation!
a pure aberration!
levitation will lead to depravity!
"
"you 'orrible bunch! i exhort
you to go forth and conquer that fort!
don't complain, just be bold!
go and do as you're told!
(while the officers stay and cavort.)
"
"there's an angel that played with my heart
when a song of theirs entered the chart.
they were annie and dave ?
as eurythmics, they gave
us sweet dreams when they practised their art.
"
"my hipster friend shouted out, ""dude!
how's it hangin'? let's go do some food!
where ya been? it's been years!
gotta sink us some beers!""
(talk of feuds was quite shrewdly eschewed.)
"
"you should gather the bits of your files
so they sit in contiguous piles.
those of talkative bent
say ""you must defragment,""
but defrag means the same, and brings smiles.
"
"""hello chaps, now there's something to eat!""
we were famished; we each took our seat,
but turned suddenly meek:
on each plate was served cheek.
hello! chaps ? now there's something to eat!
"
"a limerick writer should strive
to ensure his work's end will arrive
at its endpoint. convention
(i scarce need to mention)
decrees that's the end of line five.
"
"expert witnesses: they can assist
when a trial takes a specialist twist.
asked to help with the case,
they can point out a trace
that an everyday barrister's missed.
"
"with purposeful gabble and babble,
some toddlers convened in a rabble.
their target: the wall.
and their aim: first of all,
to besplatter, besmear and bedabble.
"
"corcovado (that's ""hunchback""), brazil:
this is more of a peak than a hill,
topped by cristo redentor ?
divine, as it's meant, or
an oddly irreverent frill?
"
"the clocksmith, enduring his dreams
of apprentice-built timepieces, screams
as their hands, whirring faster,
bring whirling disaster
and time springs apart at the seams.
"
"a character printer, before,
printed letter by letter by snore.
it was only for text,
so the artists were vexed,
and its speed was a bit of a bore.
"
"the poinsettia: a chic christmas starlet
(and poisonous-milk-laden harlot!).
she sparkles with glamour;
she's sure to enamour,
with leaves of luxurious scarlet.
"
"""hey, boatswain, please save us ? and think
who's on board!"" he retorts, ""on the brink
of submergence? away!
in your cabins ? and stay!
do you want this fair vessel to sink?""
"
"now the lovers have cause for delight:
cautious prospero lets them unite.
""lest your bond be disgraced,
till you're married, stay chaste,
or you'll suffer a terrible plight!""
"
"the courtiers, hungry and weary,
conclude that the island seems dreary.
then spirits, and spriting,
bring food ? so inviting:
a sumptuous banquet... yet eerie.
"
"other courtiers, meanwhile, debate
the terrain and their dubious fate.
is it barren and bare,
or a delicate, fair,
and magnificent beauty ornate?
"
"""let's have merriment now, i decree,""
orders prospero. ""then ? to the sea!""
so we'll greet his demands
with the clap of our hands ?
with applause, we can now set him free.
"
"when deciding to lend you some cash,
bankers never are hasty or rash.
they apply credit scoring
(a term that sounds boring)
to decide if you're trusty or trash.
"
"it's a falsehood, i say! it's a lie!
i did not hit that ball in the sky!
i don't bat ? i keep wicket
when playing at cricket!
he smashed in your window, not i!
"
"which apartment requires insulation?
where's the place with the worst sanitation?
on your picture, apply
some false colours, thereby
providing a nice illustration.
"
"said the best chef in all birkenhead,
""all me diners are royally fed!
it's pure beef, kid, not padded!
no equid's been added!
there's mouse in me scouse, though,"" he said.
"
"one day geoff (son of kate, who wed stan,
son of ruth, who was sister to anne,
who wed bert, son of bill,
son of helen and will)
drew his family tree ? the whole clan.
"
"does your life lack excitement and thrills?
wear this shoe ? it's the type that fulfils!
uppers: canvas! soles: rope!
let me give you the dope:
buy a pair of my fair espadrilles!
"
"equestrianism shows skills
of a horse and his rider, who wills
him to follow his lead.
a fine job for a steed,
and it's practised by princes for thrills.
"
"""you call common diseases,"" said ben,
""enphytotic in plant life; but when
found in beast or in bird,
enzootic's the word,
or endemic in women and men.""
"
"equestrianism, of course,
paralympian bodies endorse.
all the riders parade
and win medals by grade.
(but don't clap, or you'll startle the horse.)
"
"""you don't pay us enough ? we want more!""
said the girls on the factory floor.
""equal work, equal pay!""
was the cry of the day,
so the equal pay act became law.
"
"i'm disinterested ? that is to say
there's no impact on me either way.
i won't feel any pain
or receive any gain.
it's no skin off my nose if you're gay.
"
"you'll lose weight when you follow my diet.
should you boil it, or bake it, or fry it,
or it's cooked in a stew,
all your food: dye it blue.
(i lost seventy pounds. you should try it!)
"
"my unpunctual friend said, ""i hate
to complain, but when out on a date,
all the girls i appal!
are my cilia too small?
i arrive; they say 'silly, you're late.' ""
"
"once an old chestnut mare carried lee
to the shade of the horse chestnut tree.
as she stood with sad grace
he asked, ""why the long face?""
""that old chestnut!"" she whinnied with glee.
"
"there's a man in my mouth who is drilling,
'cause for years i've been flat-out unwilling
to brush, so attack
from this foul dental plaque
has left holes in my teeth that need filling.
"
"when i wed him, i thought he was cute;
but in truth, he's a bullying brute.
i took legal advice; i
obtained decree nisi;
now i wait for decree absolute.
"
"every summer, come rain or come shine,
swarms of ants fill the air in a sign
that there's love in the air.
for the males, this is their
anty-climax (a bit like this line).
"
"you've neglected to send any payment
for my beautiful gold and green raiment.
to me it's no pittance,
so send your remittance ?
no hindrance, no snag, no delayment.
"
"let us stand in our silent ovations
for our annual commemorations.
each year on november
the 11th, remember
our fellows who fought for our nations.
"
"the bikini would warn of attack:
no concerns when at white or at black;
at black special, take care;
if at amber, beware;
if at red, run away!  don't look back!
"
"""it is time we were wed, i say: truly
the right time is now, and i duly
get down on my knees
to say 'marry me, please?'
for i love and adore you, dear julie.""
"
"when embryo transfer takes place,
you should see the big smile on her face.
if everything's well
she will soon start to swell,
and in nine months ? a babe, by god's grace!
"
"there's a shrub that is bearberry-bearing
on which i have taken my bearing.
it grows near the bering
strait; down i'm fast bearing,
my bare behind there i'll be baring!
"
"the exchange rate's not really profound:
it's, in finance, the quantity bound
to be issued by banks
dealing pesos or francs
when you give them a dollar or pound.
"
"my friend knott was complaining: ""what rot!
see this string? it is tangled ? a lot!""
""just enode it,"" said i,
""bid your troubles good-bye,
find your knots are not knotted, dear knott!""
"
"said a champion spitter from troon,
""prepare for astonishment soon!
just nine, i expect,
or eight ? they'll be checked ?
gobs of mucus will fill that spittoon!""
"
"when the odds are at evens, they say,
you've as much chance of b as of a.
but if evens are odds,
say your prayers to the gods
for mathematics has all gone astray!
"
"it rained and it hailed and it snowed
on the road that approached my abode.
the stones and the mud
that were borne by the flood
had eroded the road ? so i rowed.
"
"""espresso, and quick!
i'm feeling quite sick!""
it drips, and
he sips, and
he splits in a tick.
"
"should we happen to ditch, never fear,
use the exits: they're here, here and here.
wear your life jacket, blow
on the whistle, like so:
wait for rescue. is all that quite clear?
"
"take care, lest your clothing should bleed!
i have lost the white shirt that i need.
in the wash, one red sock
caused a terrible shock,
for my clothes had turned pink with great speed.
"
"""to rate work that your muscles will do,
there's an ergograph wired up to you.""
it measured each action,
each little contraction,
as i huffed and i puffed and i blew.
"
"an exponent? that's tom, we're agreed.
every word that he writes, you should read.
he's a role model, clear,
he's the best in his sphere.
he's just marvellous. follow his lead!
"
"i've a rather unpleasant aversion
to obsolete words like extersion.
we should rub them all out,
wipe them off, i've no doubt,
send them forth on a one-way excursion.
"
"""oh, it looks like a peanut, i'll grant,
but this climbing, leguminous plant
(hairy pods, underground)
is an earthpea ? i'm bound
to be truthful!"" was old webster's rant.
"
"dear fans, re the letters you write:
peace and love, but i'm losing the fight.
from october, i'm sure,
they'll be answered no more:
i've no time. peace and love, and goodnight.
"
"an exponent is somebody who
will profess his preferred point of view
in debate or tirade.
what's the point of his trade?
to persuade his opinion is true.
"
"six feet? that's a fathom, i swear,
but the context is key, so beware:
to a miner who bores,
digs and drills for his ores,
those six feet might be cubic or square.
"
"""diagnosis: the problem with me
was no lens in my eye,"" said aunt bea.
""a transplanted cornea
has fixed it, my dear.
epikeratophakia, see?""
"
"do you know of the reason, my dear,
why this feast moves around every year?
this mnemonic's a boon:
find the paschal full moon,
the next sunday is easter day. clear?
"
"you can ride in all weathers, that's true,
and you've lost many kilograms too.
your new exercycle's swell
as a bike, but do tell:
don't you miss looking up at the view?
"
"on a fact-finding trip overseas
i established the facts, which are these:
it is cheap to buy drink;
the best gin there is pink;
and i'm roundly condemned, now, for sleaze.
"
"she was young, na?ve, innocent, sweet,
till her pimp sent her out on the street;
now her fancy man scowls
round his fat, sweaty jowls
'cause to him she's just cash-making meat.
"
"she's used every last feminine charm
on her fancy man clamped to her arm.
now she's feeling complete,
and he thinks that she's sweet,
but she'll bring him emotional harm.
"
"having piloted ships to the sun,
fought off enemy troops with no gun,
and made starbucks pay tax,
roger likes to relax
writing epical poems for fun.
"
"""when transcription occurs,"" said the dean,
""the dna's spliced, as we've seen;
now, with introns removed,
it is easily proved
that the exons remain in the gene.""
"
"there is many a woman and man
who speaks farsi, the tongue of iran.
farsi also describes
one who comes from those tribes
which were persian when persia began.
"
"though the animal's terribly rude,
i advise that you mount up your dood.
for our crack desert corps
will be riding to war
once our camels are in the right mood.
"
"though i've tried, i just can't fall asleep!
i'll try counting some fluffy white sheep.
1, 2, 3 (yawn) and 4,
five and six ? seven ? (snore!)
(""is she sleeping?"" ""oh yes, not a peep."")
"
"""i can't fathom,"" said george with a sigh,
""how those birdies stay up in the sky,
why at night it gets dark,
why cows moo and don't bark,
or the knot in this wretched bow tie.""
"
"the tax paid by large corporations
gets shuffled around between nations
for favourable rates.
this activity grates
with the public, which makes protestations.
"
"falanaka ? oh boy, what a name!
fanaloka ? that's almost the same.
madagascar's their ground;
they're like civets, we've found;
and survival's their ultimate aim.
"
"be it radio, film, television:
i'll tell you each fact with precision.
as an anorak, i
rate my knowledge sky-high ?
though i'm subject to frequent derision.
"
"here's to calcspar (caco3)!
used by vikings when heading to sea;
used for gunsights in war;
found in cave, mine and moor;
rated three for its hardness degree.
"
"i will teach you a piece of notation
relating to multiplication.
write exponents up high,
as in ""x to the y?"":
mathematicians brook no variation.
"
"he admits to a sense of surprise
that he fell for that tissue of lies.
but the falsity shows
when he finds someone's nose
in a shipment of sweeney's meat pies.
"
"cupid stunt; gizzard puke; marcel wave;
captain kremmen was ever so brave.
all were women and men
played by cuddly ken,
who was taken too soon to the grave.
"
"doublethink: hold two thoughts in one place.
double first: at exams, you're an ace.
double time: twice as quick.
double cream: twice as thick.
double chin: too much fat on your face.
"
"a fastback? a car whose roof's seen
to curve neatly along the rear screen;
or a book that is bound
so its spine can be found
to adhere to each page in between.
"
"this dessert will pass every inspection:
so tasty! so smooth! on reflection,
to a fare-thee-well cooked!
but this place can't be booked:
only mum bakes such love and affection.
"
"johnners gave me a stare cold and chilly
when i claimed that he'd said something silly.
best of in-the-aisles rollers
i laughed at: ""the bowler's
holding, the batsman's (yes!) willey.""
"
"""existential?"" said sartre.  ""you see
this steaming hot cup of green tea?
if by me it's unseen,
then it never has been,
for the universe turns around me!""
"
"in the evening i'm tired and stressed,
and i have to do chores i detest,
like evening shirts
and trousers and skirts
so they're creaseless and even and pressed.
"
"see this ash, looking dead at the crown?
there are similar cases 'cross town.
ash dieback disease
is affecting these trees.
i'm afraid that they'll have to come down.
"
"selling crap into markets parental?
you'll sell more if you claim: ""environmental-
ly friendly and clean ?
look, we've painted it green!
(toxic paint? oh, that's quite incidental.)""
"
"let us all bid farewell to his soul: a
magnificent bell-ring controller.
now he's resting in peace,
let our praise never cease
for dear rhys, our departed extoller.
"
"by?carefully?placing?????????blank?space,
???i've?managed?to?????????????leave?this?round?place.
?you?could?use?it????????????? ?to?draw
??????      ??a?hand or?????????????a paw;
?i'd?fill?it,?myself,?? ?  ???with?a?face.
"
"now i see, in the scorekeeper's hut,
that my game has a weak point: the putt.
i dropped shots on the green ?
so it's easily seen
that, again, i'll be missing the cut.
"
"stoned and drunk, jed looked up in alarm.
whirling blades! had he now bought the farm?
had this dreadful september sent
total dismemberment?
(he was legless, and came to no 'arm.)
"
"it's a difficult hole, this par five.
standing here at the tee, i'll contrive
to send the ball high,
make it fly through the sky.
look at that! a magnificent drive!
"
"the terms anoraks, dweebs, geeks and nerds
are among the unkindest of words.
they describe folks some feel
live in worlds quite surreal,
in a fashion 'away with the birds'!
"
"an etymon points to the word
that's the source of the word that you heard.
see, the latin for white
(which is candidus, right?)
became candid, or so it's inferred.
"
"i assert, sir, you're not in the right.
i regret that i'm forced to indict
you as liar and cheat,
full of fallax (deceit).
you are claiming that black equals white.
"
"an experiment's when you apply
a controlled test to help you find why
magnets stick, engines go,
flowers smell, babies grow,
or the crust isn't crisp on your pie.
"
"said a botany teacher called reeves:
""see the bottoms and tops of these leaves?
those two sides aren't the same.
such a leaf has a name:
dorsiventral's the tag it receives.""
"
"a cyclical industry's deal
is to follow economy's wheel.
in the good times, it grows;
in recessions, it slows.
an example's the making of steel.
"
"""you've established the maximum stress.
now it's cracked, just like me. i confess
the fatigue limit's found,""
said his mum, as she frowned,
""so please clean up this terrible mess.""
"
"the tyrant was feeling dejected:
he sensed that he wasn't respected.
he decreed, feeling bold:
""pay me all of your gold!""
and with force made this ruling effected.
"
"chow down vegetables, thoroughly stewed?
experts claim oily fish makes brains shrewd?
eat just carbs? two days skewed?
well-hyped ballyhooed food,
to be rude: best not chewed, but eschewed.
"
"i slip on a little toy car
and i spill all the coins from a jar,
and things blurrily loom;
fog and fuzz fill the room.
do you know where my spectacles are?
"
"delamination was seen on the telly.
""it isn't our fault!"" said pirelli.
the tread of the tyre
would tend to expire.
a conspiracy? something was smelly.
"
"i experiment nightly with potions,
and odd-looking luminous lotions,
which i try out on rats
and on rabbits and bats.
why should that raise such hostile emotions?
"
"""should i give my wee baby a dummy?
the advice i receive is so crummy!
will his teeth become wonky,
so he looks like a donkey?""
""i'm just two; dinnae fash yersel', mummy.""
"
"a mathematical synonym game:
what's a triangle, two sides the same?
one answer, i'm sure'll
be this: equicrural,
isosceles' surrogate name.
"
"draw a curve, which sweeps down like a claw
to a point, just to sharply withdraw.
such a falculate curve,
with like neighbours, could serve
as a perfectly adequate saw.
"
"dirty videos, found on the net:
it seems cybersmut's easy to get.
folks in power would ban it
all over the planet,
but they watch it in private, i'll bet.
"
"to show that a file can be run,
ensure that its suffix is one
of these endings: .exe
or .com. that's not sexy?
then windows is something to shun.
"
"an impoverished student named kelly
asked to buy half a fish from the deli.
""could you cut down a line
dorsoventral? that's fine ?
cut it straight from the back to the belly.""
"
"though the plaintiffs were on the same side,
each one stated the other had lied!
said the judge of these games:
""i have found these cross-claims
don't relate to the case being tried.""
"
"said you'd love me, whatever the cost,
but you said it with two fingers crossed.
your fingers thus twisted
mean lies have persisted,
and now that i've caught you, you've lost.
"
"did i feel the old rifleman's ghost
as i stood and saluted, engrossed,
as we all faced the grave
of that soldier so brave
and the bugler performed the ""last post""?
"
"there's a thing i must teach you to do
in relation to tying your shoe.
the problem you're faced with:
your footwear's been laced with
spaghetti.  let's start this anew.
"
"diiambus: poetical word
which in limerick form is absurd.
it's a metrical foot
into which you should put
just two iambs, but never a third.
"
"equipollently drifting with ease,
two pollen grains float on the breeze.
but alas and alack,
it's my nose they attack,
and i loudly and violently sneeze!
"
"this tea is an outrage! i'll state:
as an englishman, one thing i hate
is remaining unsure
that my tea leaves are pure,
and not faced to add colour or weight.
"
"my fez sits on top of my head.
it's round, and it's flat, and it's red,
with a floppy black tassel,
so don't give me no hassle:
it's cool, as the doctor once said.
"
"said the prince, as he moved down the queue,
""ah, young lady, now what do you do?""
said the girl, name of alice,
""i'm a char down the palace,
doin' cleanin' for toffs just like you.""
"
"is it digital video disk,
or would i be taking a risk
if i used the word versatile
for the v?  oh, just curse it, i'll
say dvd ? that's more brisk.
"
"when you typeset a book, for a better
appearance, you might want to set a
new chapter that's slick.
well, a fac does the trick:
fancy frame for an oversized letter.
"
"said the chair of the back-handers' board:
""i'm entitled to call myself 'lord',
and my wife's now a lady.
activities shady
have paid me this handsome reward.""
"
"living clean? he was destined to fail.
he was broke, and the future looked frail.
when he caved ? took a risk ?
his conviction was brisk:
he was speedily clapped into jail.
"
"""that's claptrap!"" she yammered. ""what fluff!
are you nuts, or attempting to bluff?""
so his climbdown was swift ?
he, despite feeling miffed,
couldn't backpedal quickly enough!
"
"let z equal x plus yi
(i is root minus 1); now comply
with the conjugate rule,
finding z*, which tool
is x minus yi. now the ""why""...
"
"i crumple each page as it ceases
to matter ? what happy releases!
they're covered in crinkles
and rumples and wrinkles
and rimples and ridges and creases.
"
"if you live as a sea-loving slave
to the saltwater summits you crave,
and the heart-rousing height
where it's frothingly white,
then you'll surf at the crest of the wave.
"
"we're tools for geometry, true,
but the things that a hinge lets us do!
with rulers to lump us is
wrong ? give us compasses
credit for curves where it's due!
"
"your project, with each tangled phase,
must be finished in seventy days.
if you don't do the maths,
then the critical paths,
overlooked, will be causing delays.
"
"in maths, when you count combinations
(for which, disregard permutations),
tally ways you can get
certain groups from a set
by performing some quick calculations.
"
"to cozen: to do what you should
in your dealings and always be good;
never swindle, play tricks,
offer wrong ends of sticks,
or be any less pure than you could.
"
"the balefire that burned in the dark
under moonlight untarnished and stark,
crackling yellow and red,
is, at dawn, all but dead,
nothing left but a last weary spark.
"
"our mission is blasting off soon.
we'll be sent in our tiny cocoon
to that man in the heavens,
apollo 11's
destination: the face of the moon.
"
"i'm inclined to evestigate how
this archaic word's taken a bow.
the prefix, you see,
isn't in-, but is e-;
and it doesn't get used so much now.
"
"""what's the lesson?"" don't know. we ignored it.
my classmates, as usual, were bored. it
was then that sir roared:
""sit up straight! face the board!""
so we sheepishly all turned toward it.
"
"it is obvious clumsy christina
can't abseil, for everyone's seen her
plunge backwards through space
down the cliff's mossy face,
fingers caught in her damned carabiner!
"
"playing golf? do your shots tend to slice?
close the face of the club's my advice.
if you're tending to hook
(says my golf coaching book)
then to open its face should suffice.
"
"said gutenberg, ""you'll be amazed!
every character's face has been raised,
so applying some ink
lets me print, in a wink,
many pages! o, heaven be praised!""
"
"in my favourite recipe book
every dish has a photo. i look
at the words (on the page
the pic faces) to gauge
how to roast, boil or fry what i cook.
"
"the post office worker professes:
""in order to read the addresses
a little bit better,
i face every letter,
thus boosting my total successes.""
"
"this effects pedal always astounds,
making all sorts of curious sounds.
it does reverb and clean,
adds a chorus like queen,
or a stereo mix that surrounds.
"
"you ignorant, arrogant child!
your behaviour is driving me wild!
have you really no shame?
you've the face to lay blame
on your brother so meek and so mild!
"
"yes, a disco's a room full of noise ?
a place where each dancer enjoys
its music quite tirelessly.
but we've headphones, reached wirelessly ?
this disco's silent, my boys.
"
"she's wearing best satin and lace;
applied scent in a secretive place;
now she puts on foundation,
(she'll be a sensation!)
mascara and lipstick ? her face.
"
"in my researches biosystematic,
i study the bugs in my attic
as they change and evolve,
helping thus to resolve
why mutation is quite so erratic.
"
"this language of markup's extensible.
though in theory it seems to be sensible,
with each slash, every bracket,
each feature to track ? it
can often be incomprehensible.
"
"with a toss of this coin i'll be wed,
but just who'll share my marital bed?
if the face is a tail,
i'll be married to gail,
or to grace if the face is a head.
"
"it's descending, this triangle: lows
on a level, highs dropping. this shows
that the share price you pay
may not last past today.
better sell, the wise stockbroker knows.
"
"it's ascending, this triangle: highs
on a level, but lows on the rise.
to interpret this chart
of a stock price is art,
and a canny interpreter buys.
"
"though it looks like brown sugar's refined
somewhat less than the common white kind,
there is no taste that's fairer
than sweet demerara.
is that song by the stones on your mind?
"
"biosystematics concerns variation
and evolvement of life, in relation
to classifications:
how each population's
distinct from the last generation.
"
"""equimolar: referring to teeth?
or my garden, and creatures beneath?
no, awake from your slumber:
it means 'moles, the same number',""
said my chemistry teacher, mckeith.
"
"morley's rules proved to be the foundation
of england's new football association,
which donated its name
to the beautiful game:
assoc. ? soccer ? a short derivation.
"
"n factorial's easily done.
you take n timesed by n?1,
timesed by n?2,
going on until you
times by one: but it's 1 if n's none!
"
"lexicographers tell me, irate:
""the word's expedite, let's get it straight!""
can somebody mediate?
for i like expediate ?
a typo, accepted of late.
"
"thick bread discs, topped with butter and jam,
or a lightly poached egg and some ham
served with hollandaise sauce ?
english muffins, of course,
which, untoasted, are not worth a damn.
"
"""you can see global warming has spread
in this false-colour picture,"" said fred.
""in the zones marked in green
a cool temperature's seen,
while it's warm in the zones marked in red.""
"
"your music's not personal, miss!
from your earphones i'm hearing a hiss,
and i feel persecution
from noisy pollution!
tss-tss, tss-tss-tss, tss-tss-tss.
"
"public speakers: don't stand there and bleat!
the epistrophe cannot be beat!
to get lots of applause:
at the end of each clause
just repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
"
"""in my favorites menu,"" said ken,
""i've got thousands of bookmarks, made when
i was busy or tired.
now the links have expired
and i can't find the pages again.""
"
"life is plodding along, that is plain;
i like things as they are, in the main.
things aren't bad ? they're ok,
about average, i'd say.
fair to middling ? i cannot complain.
"
"""you'll be fast-tracked to stardom,"" they said,
""with your songs lodged in everyone's head.
sign your name! there's no risk!
then we'll cut your first disc.""
but he chose to go solo instead.
"
"they think the old pit has been mined
to exhaustion, but one day they find
a new face to be cleaved.
every miner's relieved
that they're finally out of that bind.
"
"""the boy's lazy! 'e does nowt but sit!
be off with thee now! go down t'pit!
dig some coal out at t'face!
get thee gone from this place!
grow some backbone! develop some grit!""
"
"""on the face of the earth?"" that's profound.
is that only the part above ground?
are you counting the caves,
or the great ocean waves,
or atlantis, before it was drowned?
"
"there are seventy meanings of face,
and i've covered them all at a pace
of a limerick a day.
now i've finished!  hooray!
(but i'll count them again, just in case.)
"
"my wife, alas, snores when she kips,
and she's gained lots of weight on her hips.
but such beauty! such grace!
so attractive, her face,
it could launch many thousands of ships!
"
"name three sports which face off. now think twice ?
after hockey (the sort played on ice),
remember there's bandy
(keep that nugget handy),
and a third? well, lacrosse should suffice.
"
"attackers approaching our fort
will find we're not easy to thwart.
we've bastions, with faces
between them.  this place is
a redoubtable fortress, in short!
"
"a bodger, inept and unable,
said: ""to face up your ebony table,
i will first sand the top,
then i'll speedily slop
on some paint, so it's blacker than sable.""
"
"though they skate at a breathtaking pace,
the play comes to a halt at the face,
when the action is stopped
so the puck can be dropped ?
then it's back to the ice hockey chase.
"
"when my flat's become filled up with fuzz,
then i call on my lady who does.
my apartment's so clean
when this cleaner has been!
and that state leaves me feeling abuzz.
"
"""sure we've met ? i've forgotten the place ?""
""you're my husband, and i'm your wife, grace.""
oh, i don't like this game,
but it's always the same:
i just can't put a name to a face.
"
"capitalism's face: unacceptable?
is the making of money susceptible
to judgement unsound?
the critics abound,
claiming morals are barely perceptible.
"
"""about face!"" cried the sarge, whom we hated,
so we soldiers all demi-rotated.
""face the left! face the right!""
""will we be here all night?
make them march, man!"" the captain berated.
"
"the decans are small constellations
used by disparate civilisations
to predict, in the night,
when to wed; when to fight;
when the nile should produce inundations.
"
"there's a statue of certain renown
which can cause reading burghers to frown.
it's victoria (queen),
and it's easily seen
that she faces away from the town!
"
"who developed this theory? (a spoiler:
an incessant and diligent toiler.)
in maths pure and applied
he is praised far and wide:
mathematical sage, leonhard euler!
"
"""stick your tongue out and cross both your eyes!
puff your cheeks, so they double in size!
pull a real stupid face ?
it's a game that is ace!""
""mister president, no, that's not wise.""
"
"""i will spruce up your palace,"" i swore.
""its fa?ade will be hard to ignore.
with marble i'll face it ?
a wonderful place. it
will last ninety years, maybe more.""
"
"she assured me she'd cried until hoarse,
but i knew she was lying, of course.
there was nary a trace
of remorse on her face
as she told me: ""i want a divorce.""
"
"paint a portrait: the typical case
depicts beauty, delight, maybe grace.
picasso's were mangled,
distorted and angled:
two eyes on one side of the face.
"
"i was taken aback, i confess,
at our wedding, on seeing her dress:
stunning white, with a face
made of nottingham lace.
and the best thing of all? she said yes!
"
"we love surfing! i ride up the face
of a honker. my buddy gives chase,
then we both shoot the curl,
carve and climb, till we pearl
and wipe out. we are stoked! what a place!
"
"the battle will happen right there.
let us form up our troops in a square;
then defence of our base
will take place on each face,
so the enemy'd better beware.
"
"""you should watch as the sun starts to set,
so face west,"" called the pretty brunette.
after giving this shout
she faced me about
for a sight that i'd never forget.
"
"in new zealand, the skiing was ace!
i would ski with my buddies and chase
down the slopes of mount cook,
where by hook or by crook
we would race to the base of the face.
"
"""the surface (intended to strike)
of an implement, tool, or the like;
or the top of a tooth;
or a knife's edge: in truth,
these are each called a face,"" explained mike.
"
"take the outermost edge of a book
(not a kindle, or kobo, or nook).
you'll find bookbinders grace
that fore-edge (or face)
at times with gold leaf, if you look.
"
"""see my face, full of great indignation?
it is time for a tough conversation.""
(it did not go as planned.
face to face, now, we stand,
in a scarily tense situation.)
"
"the weather today will be fine:
the sun is preparing to shine,
and a light breath of breeze
will just ruffle the trees
while the temperature hits twenty-nine.
"
"we had set a magnificent score;
our opponents' reply, though, was poor.
said our skip, with a grin,
to their captain: ""you're in,
so pad up! follow on!  bat once more!""
"
"i've a fact that deserves a brief mention,
but it shouldn't distract your attention.
so a footnote1 i'll place
on this page, at the base,
with a number; for that's the convention.
"
"primero's the game that we're playing.
i'll face (that means bluff?) you, by saying
i'll vie. you won't see?
folded? passed? good for me!
when i face all my cards, you'll be paying!
"
"""there's no fenugreek left for my curry!
now it's ruined!"" ""there's no need to worry,
get stressed or get flustered:
maple syrup, or mustard,
or fennel might work, in a hurry.""
"
"giving blood, tony hancock's alarmful;
he thinks that this action is harmful.
""a pint?"" says the lad.
""have you gone raving mad?
why, a pint's very nearly an armful!""
"
"in the church in new england, a feud
meant that dark repercussions ensued,
which faced very sadly,
disturbing things badly ?
each side getting heated and rude.
"
"though the murders were grisly and gory,
the alibi given by rory
(though he's crass and uncouth)
has the face of plain truth;
we should all be convinced by his story.
"
"""come back and say that to my face!""
but he pulled a disdainful grimace.
so i called his full name,
and he crept back in shame.
he was sent to his room in disgrace.
"
"they amassed on the hill without warning;
we saw them as daylight was dawning.
the enemy faced us;
our darlings embraced us.
we're fighting a battle this morning.
"
"great structures, by architects planned;
new towns, to meet housing demand;
pollution; erosion;
volcanic explosion;
all are changing the face of our land.
"
"every zodiac sign in the sky
has three faces, called decans, thereby
establishing part
of one's personal chart.
so which sign and which decan am i?
"
"""i prefer all my sheets,"" said annette,
""to be made from a warm flannelette.
the feel of smooth cotton
just makes me feel rotten.
i like to wake up in a sweat.""
"
"take the muzzle (that's part of a gun).
see its surface is metal? that's one
of the senses of face.
now that meaning's in place
all my limerick work here is done.
"
"""?'hello, fish-face'?  just what do you mean?
do i look like a shark or sardine?
i don't live in the water!
i think that you ought'a
take back what you called me, christine.""
"
"you bought fair trade ? an action which means
that your coffee's arabica beans
first attracted a price
which the grower found nice.
(this could also apply to your jeans.)
"
"""hey, face, what'cha knowin'?"" he'd say.
i'd reply, ""nothin' to it, face, hey?""
was it just i was white,
or a mod, set to fight,
or he wanted to wish me ""good day""?
"
"we don't swagger or face, boast or brag;
and to feign, face or flatter's a drag.
but we're top of the chart,
people tell us we're smart.
is it wrong to be flying our flag?
"
"i will face your new dress so you'll know
which way round you should wear it, although
it's a face made of fur ?
haute couture, as it were,
just for facing your fans at the show.
"
"a fan of great sculptures i'm not.
they're overblown, stuffy old rot.
i'll paint silly faces
on canova's three graces
to face them ? i've got just one shot.
"
"at our school, we'd a small tyrannosaurus.
when we played, he would wrestle and floor us.
having pinned to the ground
all the class, he'd expound
on the classics.  this habit would bore us.
"
"""shall we drink one more bottle of wine?""
""but your face is beginning to shine,
you fall down, slur your speech;
have no more, i beseech!""
i agreed, sick of arguing: ""fine.""
"
"tony looked in the mirror and said, ""wow!""
he'd grown moles at the edge of his brow.
no, his temples weren't holy.
crotaphitically moley
would better describe tony now.
"
"this stuff dextranase helps clean your teeth.
it hunts dextran that hides out beneath
the old ivory tines,
so the build-up declines.
it destroys your gross dental plaque sheath.
"
"it's a building where clothes go to dye.
neutral beige doesn't quite thrill the eye.
you want blue...maybe green,
or a hue in between?
give your neighborhood dyehouse a try.
"
"keep a dock warrant safely on hold,
for it states by whom goods are controlled
while they're stored at a pier.
if it's ever unclear
who the owner is, truth will be told.
"
"the meaning of duncify's plain:
to empty the smarts from the brain,
to make dull or make dumb,
or cause thought to go numb,
which results in ideas quite inane.
"
"when cyanogen bromide is spilled,
if you touch, taste, or breathe, you'll be killed.
if you've proteins to split,
please be careful with it.
don't use cnbr if unskilled.
"
"if a crossfish has starfish-like genes,
it's not due to mutation-type means.
no, the reason's more tame:
they are one and the same!
""interchangeable terms,"" say the deans.
"
"it's a term that refers to a bird
where the baby might look like it's furred:
if it's covered with stuff
that's like soft downy fluff,
dasypaedic just might be your word.
"
"today digerent rarely is heard.
but you still could describe with this word
stomach acids that eat
and help break down your meat.
in the end, the result is a turd.
"
"a cycle time measures the span
to the stop from the time you began.
it's the time that you spend
from each start to each end,
the duration of how long you ran.
"
"""is it inside or outside,"" asked pete,
""that this comma should take up its seat?
if it's outside"", said he,
""it looks funny to me.
i'll rephrase the whole thing to look neat.""
"
"draw two lines across cheques that you pay.
crossed like this, it's a shorthand to say:
""this is not for exchange,
just deposit."" arrange
that you make every payment this way.
"
"it's unpleasant, the prospect we face.
our competitors stepped up their pace.
despite hard work and trust,
we're about to go bust.
you've no jobs any more in this place.
"
"how you twinkle, you sweet little star!
now i'm wondering just what you are.
my chromatoscope aids
as i study your shades:
it makes rings from your light from afar.
"
"i'm not cross, madam; here we just sell
cross-bred dogs. have you maybe heard tell
of a cheagle, a whoodle,
a fine labradoodle,
or a cockapoo ? don't they sound swell?
"
"""wow, an exeat! that is so cool!
i can go into town, out of school!
i can go to the pub!
i can skip science club!""
""you're headmaster, my dear ? it's your rule.""
"
"got two horses attached to your cart?
use an evener ? that would be smart.
it's a crossbar. to do it,
fit whippletrees to it,
so your horses aren't drifting apart.
"
"an echoscope magnifies sound.
when a doctor decides that he'll pound
on your thorax (or chest),
then this instrument's best
to hear sounds that abound. how profound!
"
"said the teacher of maths, mr. surrey:
""given f as a function ? don't worry ?""
(to a chorus of groans)
""to reduce the unknowns
we apply a technique known as curry.""
"
"said protein shake salesman fred greggs:
""try my eggshakes ? they're milkshakes with eggs!
those who drink without fuss'll
develop new muscle!*
* given training on abs, arms and legs.""
"
"showed my face at the march. i was proud:
""ban the bomb! it should not be allowed!""
but as day turned to night
there developed a fight.
i was lost ? just a face in the crowd.
"
"explorers in forests agree
that when lost, view the trunk of a tree.
moss will grow on the side
facing north; with that guide
you'll be out of the woodland and free!
"
"if you come from a land occidental
and you're dealing with trade oriental,
keep in mind: what you do
rests on face, it is true.
reputation is quite fundamental.
"
"my beautiful mirror reflects
with zero unwanted effects,
for there isn't a trace
of a flaw on its face,
and it's neither concave nor convex.
"
"in scholarly writing, the news is:
the face that the typesetter chooses
conveys, through the page,
if the author's a sage.
(and comic sans rarely amuses.)
"
"on the face of the letter, writ plain:
""dear john, though it causes me pain,
i have tried to remain,
but you drive me insane,
so i've taken a lover in spain.""
"
"famous faces you frequently see
on a chat show on daytime tv
may not quite make the b-list,
or the c-, d- or e-list,
but appear for a moderate fee.
"
"there's a bastion placed here in this wall
for defence, if invaders should call.
our soldiers give thanks
for its faces and flanks,
and its thick earthen banks most of all.
"
"cells make embryos. how? it's fantastic!
the action this cell takes seems drastic:
without aid of a knife,
it divides, forms new life!
such a cell is called embryoplastic.
"
"the last day of the championship race:
the team that united would face
was their great rival, city.
the match, tough and gritty
would enthrall every fan in the place.
"
"the term doob grass can't mean what you think.
on their own, these two words make you wink.
but when joint, as one term,
the south asians confirm
from such munchies their cattle won't shrink.
"
"you have three colic arteries, guys,
so you might want to stop eating fries.
these are routes that bring life
to your colon, and strife
will befall those with high grease supplies.
"
"the word contra means something's opposed,
like, awakened is contra to dozed,
and foot's contra to head.
live is contra to dead.
also, open is contra to closed.
"
"homer simpson bought ducting at lowe's
to construct a gigantic fire hose.
""that's for airflow,"" his daughter
had warned, ""not for water.""
the advice came too late. thar she blows!
"
"here's an asian volcano pop quiz:
can you tell me where demavend is?
take a hint if you can:
when it blew up...i ran!
if you know, you can say, ""i'm a whiz!""
"
"alexander parkes forged in his head
a technique to desilver his lead:
you just mix it with zinc
and as quick as a wink,
silver sticks to the zinc in lead's stead.
"
"to assess heat resistance in gin,
put a diathermometer in.
it's a tool you can use
for not only your booze,
but most all types of liquid akin.
"
"a brigade (of my finest) runs sweeps
through the minefields, haphazard with jeeps,
when a huge sudden quake...
oops, on second thought, make
that a demibrigade of my peeps...
"
"a convertible's roof that won't close
in a dust storm's the least of your woes.
if you're wearing a suit
or an outfit that's cute,
a dust coat's the cure i'd propose.
"
"when the growth of new cells is impaired,
cytostatic effects are declared.
when you lower the rate
at which cells re-create,
sometimes cancer cells just might be snared.
"
"an artist makes two works of art.
one's a copy with which he won't part.
the buyers won't get
the artist's doublette?
they won't know it exists, if he's smart.
"
"deltohedrons have twelve equal faces.
they're found where? rpgs, of all places.
they're the dice thrown by geeks
in a game where one seeks
to attack hairy dwarves with big maces.
"
"when there's work to do, he's never on it.
to contribute and help? he's forgone it.
while you quicken your pace
he just stares out to space.
he's a layabout... nay, a glazed donnat.
"
"jamie madrox can't fly or turn plastic,
but he can pull a trick that's fantastic.
splitting time and again
into multiple men,
he self-duplicates. dude, that's dichastic!
"
"the dictamen came straight from the top.
it ordered all writing to stop.
and it said from now on
all our pens would be gone.
this makes ticketing hard...i'm a cop.
"
"we were playing a game with the king.
his majesty asked, ""what's this thing
that we toss at the stake?""
and the answer i spake,
""i don't know but it makes coit a ring.""
"
"chordoma's a rare thing to suffer.
in your spine, it's a sapping life-snuffer.
this cancer's persistent;
it's chemo resistant,
which makes your recovery rougher.
"
"connie's skilled when she concinnates songs,
every note in the place it belongs.
she arranges for hours
when she concinnates flowers,
but big boots and loose shorts showing thongs?
"
"i'm defining dipyre: it's a rock.
two reactions to fire with this stock:
one, it melts at a spark.
two, it glows in the dark.
not quite diamonds, but better than chalk.
"
"what did william d. coolidge invent,
in which thermoelectrons are spent
to make x-rays appear?
mrs. coolidge would cheer,
""it's a coolidge tube! that's what you meant!""
"
"she detersively scratched at the plate
that was caked with the food that we ate.
""it's too hard to convince
all you children to rinse
when you're done. it just makes me irate!""
"
"i took cognizance of my mistake:
now the buds of my tongue are awake.
no, it's not quite a crime,
but i think that next time
i'll put sugar, not salt, in the cake.
"
"taking cues from the cake-baking station
gave me cause for some slight trepidation,
'cuz the sugar was fake.
so i'm sure that the cake
is in need of some dulcification!
"
"define cullyism: being a fool.
that's not me, 'cause i'm hip. yep, i'm cool.
i wear big baggy pants
that fall down when i dance.
i'm the awesomest kid in my school.
"
"your car is a complex machine.
your engine and tranny convene
to help spin your wheels.
something's missing it feels...
it's the driveline, the piece in between.
"
"turn eighteen and you get new permissions.
you can vote and sign legal petitions.
but you still can't drink beer,
and no change there next year:
the decennoval age lacks traditions.
"
"down in mexico, houseplants are hung
that have fragile green leaves which are sprung
with the tenderest touch,
so don't touch them too much.
donkey's tails are a little high-strung.
"
"i concocted a potion in jugs
and then drank six or seven big chugs.
well, that seemed to deflate
any urge to create.
did i take wreck-creational drugs?
"
"something cribrose traps solid debris,
but the liquid's not caught; it is free
to be sieved through small holes.
i own two straining bowls
that are cribrose to filter my tea.
"
"during math class i feigned being dead,
but the teacher would not be misled.
in the corner i sat
with a tall, pointy hat.
darn that coniform cap on my head!
"
"missed the green with my drive, so i stand
in the bunker, my ball in the sand.
the next shot hits the face,
bounces back to the place
where it started, as if it were planned.
"
"here's my pansy display. please draw near.
on their faces, see anything queer?
central blotches look funky;
we call these ones monkey,
the others we simply call clear.
"
"write nante that leaves omis cold.
match an opener, wicked and bold,
with a dream of a closer ?
oh! fantabulosa!
good limericks ? comedy gold!
"
"every cube has six faces, it's true.
this one's painted in red, green and blue,
and in white and in black;
if you look at the back
there's a valentine's heart just for you.
"
"in essays, by bacon, it's said
that to lie brings god's wrath on your head:
""for a lie faces god.""
(if that wording sounds odd,
it meant ""challenge""; that meaning's now dead.)
"
"on st. david's cathedral, you'll see
that the clock faces number just three.
to the north, goes the story,
they'd pray to god's glory,
but couldn't face paying the fee.
"
"i'm unlucky.  the proof is this case:
playing blackjack, i needed an ace.
though it might have been rash,
i had staked all my cash:
turned the card, saw a king on its face.
"
"every note on the stave has its place,
going there, on a line, in a space,
below or up high.
do you understand why?
because every good boy deserves face.
"
"that there're hazards, i cannot deny;
but there's none better suited than i.
now the dice have been thrown,
i shall face it alone.
be it known: i shall win, or i'll die.
"
"you've announced that you're marrying brad,
and this news makes me terribly sad.
i will wear a brave face
and accept it with grace,
but i cannot pretend that i'm glad.
"
"more than three votes to one, the bill passes?
the law that would empty our glasses.
but in just fourteen years,
we again lift our beers.
the repealing brings ""cheers!"" from the masses.
"
"all collectors from prague to des moines:
want to purchase a rare ancient coin?
though the seller's in rome,
you can bid from your home.
get on ebay. no membership? join!
"
"with great elegance, frances declares,
""i must take in my rolls for repairs.""
her departure ensues;
wearing posh gucci shoes,
with less elegance, fran falls downstairs.
"
"eighteen cents, six times three, is content
to be seventeen more than one cent.
add a penny two times
and it nets you two dimes.
could you spare one? i've got to make rent.
"
"late last night my poor ear lobe was mugged
when my daughter purred this as we hugged:
""i love you, daddy dear,
could you lend me your ear?""
i said, ""yes,"" so she grabbed it and tugged.
"
"big bad bob shuts his eyes and pretends
that it's still not too late for amends.
but unless there's reprieve,
he'll take permanent leave.
the electric chair makes for quick ends.
"
"matt foley (who lived in a van)
might have known a few folks of the clan
""those who live on the river.""
the line he'd deliver:
""i'm cuckoo for cocopah, man!""
"
"i'll be playing the nice guy no more.
the mere instant you locked it, meant war.
there's no way you can win,
so you'd best let me in.
you disoppilate ? right now ? this door!
"
"there's a crosse i'm encouraged to carry
that i clutch when the going gets hairy.
it can catch, it can toss?
it's my stick for lacrosse!
i can use it to heave a hail mary.
"
"the digestibleness of a stone,
as compared to a blueberry scone:
i've passed both and it's clear
that the stone is still here,
but the scone has been changed. flush the throne!
"
"if the teams are unable to play,
messrs duckworth and lewis can say
(having checked each resource)
what's the likeliest course
that the match would have taken that day.
"
"n with two exclamation marks? pop
the odd numbers from n at the top
down to 1 in a pot;
take their product. you've got
n's double factorial.  stop!
"
"most bicycles purchased today
have wheels equirotal. don't pay
if one wheel is smaller;
you'll soon be a faller.
penny-farthings? that look is pass?.
"
"though their sport will risk danger and hurt,
ei sportspeople often assert
that come rain, wind or snow
they'll survive, and they know
they'll come out with a neatly pressed shirt.
"
"start with h, he, li, be,
b and c, n and o, f, ne,
na, mg, al,
si, p, s, cl,
ar, k, ca; next is sc.
"
"""tell me, why does a substance fluoresce?""
""well, a photon arriving, i guess,
leaves some energy bits
on the stuff that it hits,
then rebounds with a little bit less.""
"
"there's no balls to be bowled any more;
we're still in, but we're short of their score.
the game ends in confusion.
the only conclusion:
this match's result is a draw.
"
"what is definite?  that which is sure,
or explicit, in no way obscure;
or when limits are set
so that targets are met;
or it's this much, no less and no more.
"
"a bad toothache's not what you deserve;
an endodontist referral will serve.
don't panic, don't gulp ?
such a man deals with pulp,
and diseases of that and the nerve.
"
"this slide valve moves forward and back
on the cylinder's face, but the lack
of the part that is flat
on the valve, where it's sat,
means this steam train is stuck on the track.
"
"she says cramp bark helps uterine stress,
but i think it's a load of bs.
though it costs fifteen dollars,
she still screams and hollers
each time that she gets pms.
"
"elementary school was the place
where the tests were so easy to ace.
later, high school was stressing;
on tests i was guessing.
my grades were a total disgrace.
"
"when you gobble up dalo, use care.
eaten raw, it can cause a bad flare.
but boiled taro transmutes,
and the leaves and the roots
are both edible. still...say a prayer!
"
"if you go to uc, you're a bear.
i might shout, ""go, you dubb!"" and you'd glare,
for u-dub loves the husky,
but a dubb is a dusky
eurasian brown bear who's quite rare.
"
"i say denominationalism
is a mad celebration of schism.
every group thinks they're right
so they bicker and fight.
they should all take a breath and join prism.
"
"how the mayor did bellow and shout,
""all you eagles and masons, get out!
you odd fellows leave town.
we give elks the thumbs down.
dislodgment, that's what we're about.""
"
"it's an alloy of nickel and copper?
hot or cold, a consistent volt stopper.
if an istanbul raider
robbed his local jewel trader,
he'd get constantan opal rings, proper!
"
"vinaigrette, left unshaken, depicts
the way oil and vinegar mix.
with dineric division
and perfect precision,
they partition themselves into cliques.
"
"to the angels and saints i say, ""hiya.
i've a concept i wanna run by ya.
you ain't worshipped like god,
but we still give a nod
with respect a step down called dulia.""
"
"egotistic and proud, this is me.
there is no one that i'd rather be.
yes, i actually think
that my poo doesn't stink,
and i'm also impressed when i pee.
"
"this elevator's making me frown.
why'd i have to take this one? some clown
lit up buttons galore.
from the fifty-fifth floor,
we've made fifty-four stops coming down.
"
"the electric guitar can get loud.
pick it up, strike a chord, play it proud.
it has pickups that take
the small sound the strings make,
then an amp blasts it out to the crowd.
"
"i was shopping, comparing the prices
of five data input devices:
two keyboards, a scanner
(not sure in which manner
to say this) and two cordless mices?
"
"we played pool; i was doing so well.
missed a shot at the one-ball, ah hell.
but the two-ball dropped in;
i'm one shot from the win.
efficacious? not quite, but don't tell!
"
"""it is not what goes into a man
but what comes from the mouth..."" i began.
if this scripture compressed a
few words  (used ingesta/
egesta)?much shorter to scan.
"
"inside christopher walken's back shed,
the band blue ?yster cult sounded dead.
he about blew a gasket,
so he carved a stone basket.
""this song's lame! needs more corbell!"" he said.
"
"almost equal in skill to be gross,
we have contests, both sick and verbose.
while he goes on vile rants,
i just poop in my pants.
though our acts aren't commeasured, they're close.
"
"if your data type goes undefined
it can start to play tricks on your mind.
could this ""1"" be a boolean
or a date that is julian?
without type, your computing is blind.
"
"all ten racers at once crossed the bridge. it
collapsed, broke my toe?useless digit.
i kept running on faith,
crossed the finish line eighth.
i outran an old man and a midget.
"
"the ejection of coach from the game
has increased the man's dubious fame.
that's the tenth time this year
he's been kicked out of here:
a new record, but tainted with shame.
"
"this guy's currishness won't stay in check.
he's a big, snarling pain in the neck.
on his best days, he's mean,
like a mad wolverine.
at his worst, he's an absolute wreck.
"
"this cubebic solution's a beaut,
made from twelve cubic inches of fruit.
it should placate the sore
that i've tried to ignore
in my prostate. (it hurts when i toot!)
"
"i ordered a milk. (yeah, i'm nerdy.)
what the bartender brought me is curdy;
it's lumpy and thick.
what's the date on it? sick!
this expired in may?1930!
"
"the efficiency expert just sighed,
her annoyance too barefaced to hide.
""it is plain common sense
and it saves a few pence
when you heed the advice i provide.""
"
"this play we would often rehearse,
so the fumble made coach scream and curse.
i ran left, jim went right,
made a handoff to dwight,
who then bungled the double reverse.
"
"he was eeyorish: gloomy and sad.
he had nothing uplifting to add.
even winning a hummer
he viewed as a bummer.
(the tread on the tires was bad.)
"
"dish antennas are shaped like a... bowl.
often found on your roof or a pole
to receive a transmission,
they're a great acquisition
if watching tv is your goal.
"
"to discloud?aka, clear the sky?
there's a couple of things you can try:
seed the clouds with dry ice;
try a rain dance. suffice
it to say, if you fail you'll be dry.
"
"dotted quad's a notation we'll nix
for the limited range it inflicts.
while the ancient world fidgets
with the old way ? twelve digits,
we are moving to ipv6.
"
"it's electroencephalographic:
they're checking my brain signal traffic
with this fancy machine.
that flat line on the screen
can't be good?but these harps sound seraphic.
"
"her belittlement grated his nerves,
so he threw down his tray of hors d'oeuvres
on the floor of her foyer.
he'd find an employer
who'd pay the respect he deserves.
"
"this dominator mastered his craft.
to think you could beat him was daft.
and i warned in advance
you did not stand a chance.
michael jordan just schooled you and laughed.
"
"this contexture's a kludge at the best:
i've constructed a grill?you impressed?
it's some chicken coop wire
stretched over a tire.
now light it? no, surely you jest!
"
"""i forget when i started to cook
all these eggs. i can't tell at a look.""
""use the egg timer, son.
then you'll know when they're done.
that's in eggs 101. read the book.""
"
"my dohtren are both pretty sweet
when they rub the sore soles of my feet.
but a foot-rubbing bout
sort of grosses me out,
as they don't wash their hands when they eat.
"
"my advance rate was ninety percent.
and i bonded my milk cow, which meant
that if i should default,
then all milking would halt.
to the butcher the cow would be sent.
"
"he's a deviator, that is for sure,
crossing lines, keeping limits obscure.
raised a jew, he eats pork;
slurps his soup with a fork;
wears a parka in kuala lumpur...
"
"hanging off of his favorite cap,
donald duck has two items which flap.
""hey, duck, you grew ears,""
laughs mickey, and jeers,
""lose the earflaps. they're goofy."" (oh, snap!)
"
"i am continently taking a stroll;
have to pee, but i feel in control.
i don't need those depends
like my elderly friends?
man, this coffee is taking a toll!
"
"deglutitory's a hard word to swallow.
it means aiding ingestion. you follow
a big pbj
with some milk and you pray
it won't stick to the sides of your hollow.
"
"it's not cogitable how a civilian
could borrow a cool fourteen trillion.
so try comprehending
the government spending
that's put us so deep in vermilion!
"
"a choledochotomy's needed
when the flow of your bile is impeded
by a stone in your duct:
your duct's sliced, the stone's plucked.
now your health coverage limit's exceeded.
"
"it's in skin, but it's no carcinoma.
cutaneous t-cell lymphoma
begins as a rash;
plaques and tumors then thrash
you and spread?you might wish for a coma.
"
"the chairman emeritus came
to our meetings and tried to reclaim
his old spot on the board
but was largely ignored.
that emeritus?that's just a name.
"
"i wanted to purchase a tuba
from a seller residing in cuba.
i play a nice largo,
but the u.s. embargo
has forced me to buy from aruba.
"
"i embellished my resume, boss.
that means ""fancied it up with some gloss.""
sanitation director
(i'm a garbage collector)
is a stretch, but the gist comes across.
"
"what emergency justifies this?
interrupting my slumbering bliss?
why'd you sound the alarm
just to show me your arm...
oh, it's severed? i'll give it a kiss.
"
"i effectively run the whole show.
i direct where the actors should go.
i'm the king of backstage
making minimum wage.
i'm a call boy. (i'm stretching, i know.)
"
"he's a controvertist! when will he learn
that politeness is nothing to spurn?
he will argue a fact
with a gross lack of tact.
are you shocked? then you've pleased howard stern.
"
"for the edification of some,
he showed us his missing left thumb.
""oh, the things that you'll try
when you're liquored up: i
cut it off?for a bottle of rum.""
"
"antistrophically come the replies
to the pleas of the poor boy's sad cries:
""we will not let you go!""
bellows queen. don't you know
those bohemian rhapsody guys?
"
"the criminative look on your face
says we caught you. go on, plead your case.
we all know you did it,
so best to admit it.
own up, do your penance with grace.
"
"mrs. jones, ushered in by the beadle,
spilled her purse, tripping over miss cheadle.
her gaffe was complete
when the beadle took seat,
and he found her embroidery needle.
"
"there are three hundred clowns in that car;
i don't think they will go very far.
driver's arms at his sides,
he can't move; he just rides.
so, this clown car drives into a bar...
"
"send that rubbish right back to the sender,
that wannabe author pretender.
you could fill the great lakes
with the blunders he makes.
i'm a publisher, not an emender.
"
"a control code will never be seen
as a letter displayed on your screen.
it's a tab or return
or these shortcuts we learn:
ctrl+a, ctrl+c, f13...
"
"the cyprinid family equates
to carp, barbs and barbels (not weights),
and minnows and daces.
their thin fishy faces
will wind up on fishermen's plates.
"
"to mask the foul odor of sweat,
perfumed powder can sometimes offset
any smells that might waft
(and it's cooling and soft).
such empasms avert b.o.'s threat.
"
"economic: relating to money,
like my bank account. ha! now that's funny...
well, both tragic and comic.
i've defined economic
very poorly; at least it was punny.
"
"don't embarrass your sister again.
she tried to act carefree, but then
her whole face turned bright red
and she gasped when you said
that her back was attractive to men.
"
"""it's an elegant weapon i've stored
from more civilized times, my young ward,""
said old ben of the saber,
a point he'd belabor
to stress the smooth grace of the sword.
"
"the copiousness we have here
(the unlimited bottles of beer)
is too much for one clown
so start passing them down.
(we'll be singing that song till next year.)
"
"two cobishops are useful in chess
and i like them so much i obsess.
sure, i'm playing it wrong,
so this game won't last long.
i should treasure my queen more, i guess.
"
"something deuteronomic was said
when my wife finished making our bed:
""thou shalt not leave thy socks
or thy pestilent jocks
in the sheets, or thou shalt lose thy head.""
"
"the east fork's what waters mike's lea,
while the west fork keeps peter's parch-free.
but my creek's just a trickle
and i'm caught in a pickle?
should i corrivate both towards me?
"
"she owned cedars majestic and lauded.
they got logged. she was badly defrauded.
no, she didn't need wood,
she just misunderstood:
when they asked, ""disafforest?"" she nodded.
"
"i'm not sure disney's eeyore was male.
his morose claim to manhood is frail,
for although his deep voice
seems to leave us no choice,
what's the deal with the bow on his tail?
"
"not a quarter, it's half of a beat
in the alphabet song, a quick tweet
in 4/4. play it so
l, m, n, and the o
all get eighth notes; they're short but they're sweet.
"
"a declinatory note was dispatched
to the man whose ferrari i scratched:
""dearest sir: though you've said
that you'd take off my head,
let's forgo that. i like it attached.""
"
"if you look into cognitive science,
you'll find disciplines all in alliance.
they include anthropology,
linguistics, psychology,
and a.i.? that's a thinking appliance.
"
"there once was a man from d.c.
with a plan to dedecorate me:
that means ""put me to shame"".
he dishonored my name:
my prestige has been dropped a degree.
"
"a consolatory note was dispatched
to the man whose ferrari i scratched.
it said: ""sir, i am sorry.
i nudged your ferrari.
p.s. your rear bumper's detached.""
"
"we were bait casting down by the bridge
using lures in the shape of a midge.
we didn't stay long
'cuz we did it all wrong;
hence, just beer and no fish in our fridge.
"
"at the canine court, my job's to log it
as stenographer. case loads can bog it
right down, like today.
i'll be typing away;
there are twenty-four trials on the dogget.
"
"desuete means ""no longer in use,""
like my suit from the '80s?chartreuse!
and isn't it neat
that this word's obsolete?
since desuete is desuete, cut it loose.
"
"i back up the files i'm retaining.
the green progress bar shows time remaining
'til my copy is done,
but it's been stuck on one
for the last forty minutes?it's paining.
"
"their strong consortship won't last too long.
they are partners but something is wrong:
cohort one holds the reigns,
cohort two is the brains,
cohort three, though, just mooches along.
"
"emacerate: what does it mean?
to become or to cause to be lean.
i am so anti that;
we can all use some fat.
tv's skinny ideals are obscene.
"
"i have elevated privileges here,
so this bar is a place i hold dear.
since it's owned by my aunt,
i can eat what i want
(but she still makes me pay for the beer).
"
"the two of us stand there so solemn;
we'd dared to call teacher ""miss gollum.""
we're facing a beating?
i plan on retreating!
you can stay, but you're risking your collum.
"
"elinguation's a mean way of humbling
promoters of griping and grumbling.
called the king ""pile o' dung""?
then it's off with your tongue.
now i can't understand you: you're mumbling.
"
"your ""facts"" are confutative, stan.
you said, ""try to refute them""? i can.
there's no way on god's earth
that this person gave birth:
you won't find any womb?it's a man!
"
"his egregious displays just won't stop,
overdoing a shtick he won't drop?
he blatantly graces
his fans with dumb faces.
jim carrey is over the top.
"
"since these clysmian factors abound,
there's a chance you won't see me around.
i will take today off
since i'm... glub?i'm not... koff?
i'm not sick, i am calling in drowned.
"
"when emetophobia hits
(the fear that you'll puke chunky bits),
you get stressed out and nauseous;
you'll be extra cautious
and pass on the sausage and grits.
"
"it's so cold! i would kill for a sweater.
and the furnace, it clanks like a fetter.
with the cold and the noise,
i am losing my poise.
what, try earmuffs? oh yeah, i'm all better!
"
"easy listening isn't my bag;
i'm the type that likes gwar and black flag.
although sometimes with glee
i will crank kenny g
while my buddies make faces and gag.
"
"to speak consonantly, a letter is picked
(not a vowel). an s helps depict
an example reflecting
this word i'm respecting:
steve stickler is stuffy and strict.
"
"watching emesis makes me feel sick.
it's so gross when the vomit is thick.
but i hold back rebuke
when i see someone puke,
cuz when someone is down, you don't kick.
"
"the chiasmal transversal of nerves
determines which hemisphere serves
to process your sight.
when guys peep to their right
it's their left brain that ""sees"" it, those pervs!
"
"the damianists say there's just god
and the trinity doctrine is flawed.
they say father and son
and the spirit are one.
i don't think so. that math is just odd!
"
"why did disciplinants whip their own backs?
did they just like the sound of the smacks?
no, they thought it absolved
them of sin. it involved
singing hymns to the beat of the whacks.
"
"denegation's the same as denial:
a word useful if one is on trial.
refute prosecution
and attain absolution?
then again, have you seen the green mile?
"
"herbert armstrong, a true pioneer,
started preaching on-air on a mere
one-hundred-watt station.
in time, the whole nation
heard his voice had they ears so to hear.
"
"i'm in pain, dorsoventrally aching.
my back and my stomach are flaking.
my skin was light peach
till i went to the beach?
didn't notice that both sides were baking.
"
"i reside with my homie, bill mohr.
i'm locked out (left my keys in da drawer).
he's inside ('least i'm hopin').
""hey dude, would ya open
da darn domicillary door?""
"
"he's decisory, mr. mcbride:
he is able to quickly decide
when to stay, when to go,
when to drift, when to row.
i'm erratic, so he is my guide.
"
"his acrobatism wowed the whole crowd,
made the calmest of men gasp out loud.
he was bold, he was daring.
those tights he was wearing
blew out in the end when he bowed.
"
"the cumulative effects of inhaling
all those glue fumes have left the kid ailing.
sharp spasms, lost hearing?
his hair's disappearing?
in total, it isn't smooth sailing.
"
"though silt often coats a stream's bed,
there are some lined with pebbles, instead.
it's called armoring: sealed
by this tightly packed shield,
all the silt that's beneath won't be spread.
"
"the top of your stove emits heat,
and your food emits smells. time to eat!
you eat fast, reason being
you're leaving?no?fleeing
the stench you emit from your seat.
"
"to embrace, first you face (stand at ease),
then extend out your arms (not your knees),
and then wrap them around
this nice friend that you've found.
now you're ready to hug (give a squeeze).
"
"'95, when the league was expanded,
folks in north carolina were handed
an nfl team.
now the panthers' fans scream
what they think of the ref, loud and candid.
"
"my employment is shaky at best;
since i took on this job i've been stressed.
i am simply a schmuck
who was hired by pure luck:
on the aptitude test i just guessed.
"
"the next case on the docquet today
will be state vs. sweet billy ray.
for colluding with judge,
case dismissed ? wink wink nudge ?
and up next on the docquet is... hey!
"
"it's conformal: that means it stays true;
so when scaled, the true shape doesn't skew.
on a map, greenland's giant
if the shape is compliant,
but a globe shows an accurate view.
"
"my earned income's exceeded by bills,
though i don't live a lifestyle with frills.
i've low earning potential;
some help is essential,
so remember me, please, in your wills.
"
"there's an email i'm loath to recall,
where i wrote that her butt isn't small.
but my own butt got kicked,
and it's all 'cuz i clicked
(instead of 'reply') 'reply all'.
"
"it's discountable; sell it for less.
see this rip? klutzy me, i confess,
and it just wouldn't do
if we sold it as new.
we can't charge her full price for this dress.
"
"the sky now is duskily lit.
light recedes, getting dim like my wit.
soon nighttime will fall
as the dark covers all,
but for now we can see just a bit.
"
"when offered a few, she declined.
""i just hate these green olives,"" she whined.
so i took some black dye
(it's not hard to apply),
now they're ebonized, hue redefined.
"
"if it's edible, go on and eat it.
if it's frozen, you might want to heat it.
if it's moving around
you may still have to pound
it, or smack it, or whack it, or beat it.
"
"he stains carpets, breaks windows, eats plants,
tears the drapes, eats my shirts and my pants.
oh, the havoc he wreaks!
he destructively seeks
all my valuable things. bad dog, chance!
"
"ignoring his deep sense of doom,
young napoleon stomped round the room
(crushing crates as he went),
asked what dualin meant,
and found out when the case went ka-boom!
"
"listen up, i'll define acroama:
it is anything heard, like a drama
on a radio show,
recitations of poe?
maybe even a speech by obama.
"
"the effeminate man with big lips
hits the high notes and wiggles his hips.
his dark eyeliner's shady.
dude looks like a lady,
but he can't hide the truth when he strips.
"
"i'll eat anything else, except that.
i'll eat tripe or balut till i'm fat.
i'll eat beets in a sec,
but there's no way in heck
i will ever chomp down on a cat!
"
"i'm the eldest of four in our clan,
so they tease me: they call me ""old man.""
now instead of balloons,
i'm presented with prunes
on my birthday. (they help on the can.)
"
"once a crookbacked old man in my store,
as he left, dropped his keys on the floor.
so, as manners dictated,
i retrieved them and waited,
with a hunch he'd be back through the door.
"
"people say he's as big as a horse.
he is rover, my mastiff, of course.
in a dogcart i ride,
to which rover is tied.
i hang on 'cause he pulls with such force.
"
"if my claustrum was lost from my head,
then i think i'd be better off dead.
where my senses converge,
it allows them to merge
as one message: the world can be read.
"
"double-density disks have more room,
in fact twice as much space, i assume.
i could show how one packs
stuff in narrower tracks,
but the format has since met its doom.
"
"the achromobacter genus contains
both aquatic and dirt-dwelling strains
which are rod shaped. flagella
propel the lil' fella
who feeds on decaying remains.
"
"fit ye  deein? means ""what are you doing?""
fou's yer dous?* ? ""are your pigeons still cooing?""
the northeastern scots
use these dorisms lots,
so that region is one i'm eschewing.
"
"with sheer egrimony shari sat sobbing.
her shoulders were heaving and bobbing.
what caused all this grief?
sadly, shari's a thief
who was nabbed in the house she was robbing.
"
"don't devour that, you poor little waif!
see this hard stuff? it's sharp! it'll chafe
lips and gums. can you feel?
it's hard boiled, so let's peel
off the eggshell, and then you'll be safe.
"
"ananias, a damascene, dreamed
he should go and find saul, who it seemed
had been blinded and humbled,
and to straight street had stumbled.
when an found him, saul's sight was redeemed.
"
"i save time with my double-acting pump.
it can fill up a mattress quite plump.
pull it up and air flows;
push it down, it still blows!
i found it for free at the dump.
"
"they were known as the old cleveland browns
till modell took his team and changed towns.
now they're baltimore's team
with a new name to scream.
charm city took over on downs.
"
"they coterminously played for seattle
as father and son, waging battle
armed with bats made of wood.
they were better than good.
with the griffeys, the kingdome would rattle.
"
"i have adsense installed on my blog
(the one where i dote on my dog),
but my clickthrough rate sucks.
i've made only three bucks
in five years on that ugly space hog.
"
"the deforcers kept jill from her dwelling,
despite all her screaming and yelling.
""let me go, filthy swine!
this is rightfully mine!
it's my home and there's no way i'm selling.""
"
"my sister once asked, ""what's a cyst?""
so i gave her the general gist:
""an old word for this blister
is cystis, dear sister,
like your face."" then my nose met her fist.
"
"a confirmatory nod sealed the deal.
was he sure he approved of the veal?
could have said yes or no,
but his nod served to show
that he favored the calf for his meal.
"
"this cute countenancer gave her okay.
she approved, didn't howl or say nay.
her response wasn't s?,
even ja, hai, or oui,
but ""whatever"" ? my new fianc?e?
"
"the word dampne's so old; oughta toss 'er.
it means ""damn"" ? and i am at a loss, sir,
as to why webster's lists it.
one reason exists; it
was used once by one geoffrey chaucer.
"
"emps can blow circuits and breakers,
make blackouts extending for acres,
and turn gadgets to toast.
it's a problem for most,
but not us 'cause we're brick oven bakers.
"
"as our thirty-fourth president, ""ike""
was a guy that we all liked to like.
but before that, dwight d.
was a general and he
led our troops to defeat the third reich.
"
"johnny meant well; he wrote, ""anna's neet.""
he disedified: praise not so sweet.
she'd been looking for work,
and this ""comforting"" jerk
spread his mouth and inserted both feet.
"
"a deliberated decision was reached
when the watergate office was breached.
with great care and deep thought
and consulting a lot,
nixon quit to dodge getting impeached.
"
"an electrical outlet is where
you can shock all your friends with this dare:
stick a fork in, or tweezers
(both tools are crowd pleasers),
then zzzzzzt! it will straighten your hair!
"
"the game cockal's an obsolete vice,
for the rules of the game are not nice.
not enjoyed among ewes,
they, in fact, always lose,
with old mutton bones used as the dice.
"
"seems the gift of good skin has forgone ya.
now a lump filled with pus grows upon ya.
we'll just lance it and twist
and pinch down on that cyst,
and we'll pray we don't get any on ya.
"
"chewing cuca is never advised;
these andean leaves leave you surprised.
though they heighten your vigor,
your pupils get bigger.
this source of cocaine is despised.
"
"i am easing down into the pool
just a step at a time (it's too cool).
they're complaining that i'm
taking way too much time,
as if leaping in's some kind of rule.
"
"in my garden i grow quite a lot
of potatoes, and each one has got
a dark vascular ring
which can mean just one thing:
all my spuds have bacterial rot.
"
"i've had nine buddy-wisers tonight.
have i room for one more? i just might.
so i twist off the crown,
make a toast, chug it down,
and i've reached double figures. alright!
"
"while i watched educational shows,
a serious question arose:
could i earn a degree
just by watching tv?
cable's cheaper than school, i suppose.
"
"you elect those who act as your voice.
you elect to reject or rejoice.
you can go, you can stay.
you say no, or say yea.
you elect what you want, it's your choice.
"
"i would say that this ear candling's fake.
it won't help when your sinuses ache.
clearing wax? this won't work,
and your doctor's a jerk
for suggesting it does. what a flake.
"
"there are some who edulcorate tea,
but that doesn't appeal to me.
i prefer my drinks plain;
adding sugar? profane!
keep your sweet tea, i'll stick to chablis.
"
"freeing cats is so effortless when
you open the bag and all ten
fly out screeching, berserk.
but it's ten times the work
when you stuff them back in there again.
"
"these allegements you've brought to this trial
for burglary meet with denial.
but the thief had the gall
to sneak in a call
and his prints grace your telephone dial.
"
"i hunt elaphure, bag them with ease.
they are deer that are large and chinese.
they've a rack that's majestic,
but since they're domestic
it's like stalking the fridge to catch cheese.
"
"in the entrance exam, i scored well.
i was good at this stuff, i could tell.
although since that first test
(where i mostly just guessed),
i haven't done much to excel.
"
"a cold entomotomist said,
""i'll make sure that this insect is dead.
my job is dissection.
i feel no affection
as i carefully sever his head.""
"
"nfl in new york? to split hairs,
just the bills conduct home game affairs
in the bounds of that state,
while the jets team, of late,
has a field in new jersey it shares.
"
"a combinatory note was attached
to the shiny ferrari i scratched:
""dearest sir, this note's goal
is to rue and console,
so i'm sorry and hope it gets patched.""
"
"man connaturally hungers for food.
from the time that we're born, it's pursued.
though my body does need it,
the loads that i feed it
have made my poor belly protrude.
"
"use  dicamba for killing off weeds.
the way that it works is it speeds
up weeds' growth rate so fast
that their food doesn't last
and they die (but your grain crop succeeds).
"
"""i was walking along when my skin
started dripping right off of my chin,
till my whole epidermis
filled a two gallon thermos!""
is a lie this dermatic a sin?
"
"""i am holding nine ants in my palm,
and i've pledged to be gracious and calm.
i won't harm these poor strays.""
this benevolent phrase
was benignantly spoken by tom.
"
"i'd been driving on eastbound i-10,
from la, where i won't go again.
with no map in my lexus,
i drove across texas,
then remembered it's north to cheyenne!
"
"the bank will be bagging this branch.
the financier was given carte blanche;
when he pilfered some plunder,
his office went under.
but this city man's snug at his ranch.
"
"when i come to the empire state,
i go visit niagara?it's great!
and the catskills are pretty,
but i skip new york city;
there's a girl there i once used to date.
"
"have you seen, there's another edition
of star wars en route to fruition?
in this one we'll see
every scene in 3d,
with surround sound and high definition.
"
"due to dentoalveolar trials
his courting is met with denials.
yes, he's charming, it's true,
but his teeth are too few,
and it scares all the girls when he smiles.
"
"you can use one in cases where, um...
you have need for suppression of some...
an eclipsis is fine
at the end of a line
when the words that you want fail to come.
"
"if you deep link a page on this site,
from the home page you don't have to fight
through an indirect route.
and for those who might doubt,
go ahead and click here ? am i right?
"
"i felt the earth rumble and shake,
shudder deeply, and vibrate, and quake.
the tectonic plates shifted:
one sank and one lifted,
and now the whole state is awake!
"
"disobligement: it means one's released
from a duty. for instance, that priest
who was told to take leave
after last christmas eve
when he preached that the pope rode the beast.
"
"chemosterilants don't affect mating,
but they do keep the nursery waiting?
not just for a while,
but miss havisham style.
are they safe? well, that's up for debating.
"
"sally ride street runs parallel to
harry truman street till they go through
the east end of town?
sally ride then curves down,
and a crossway results?deja vu?
"
"biddability isn't babs' bag.
she's a bad disobedient hag.
you think babs does your bidding?
you gotta be kidding!
she breaks bosses' balls, just to brag.
"
"in our software, administrable features
are the ones we reserve for our teachers.
they can save and delete,
or assign us a seat,
in the front row or out in the bleachers.
"
"when cells are dissolved or destroyed,
cytolytic's a word that's employed,
describing the way
we see membranes decay
and the cells become nothing but void.
"
"all those web hits, how quickly they go.
soon departed, so what does that show?
a high bounce rate's a gauge
that they viewed just one page.
were they stymied or glad? hard to know.
"
"they are made of the same exact stuff,
but are physically different enough.
once primordial charcoal,
now diamonds that sparkle?
allotropized gems in the rough.
"
"in a zeppelin race overseas,
the french team veered left from a breeze.
""now i've got this one bagged,""
herr tom blimpishly bragged,
""i beat left-leaning frenchies with ease.""
"
"having cytapheresis is known
to yield platelets or blood cells alone
while returning the rest.
giving blood will be blessed
(and the life you save might be your own).
"
"on this team there's black widow and thor
and hawkeye and cap' ? wait, there's more;
and lest they should sulk,
you can't forget hulk
and iron man: heroes galore!
"
"the kid's emo, his clothes are so tight
and they're black?he blends in with the night.
his bangs cover his eyes,
and now, here's a surprise?
he thinks jimmy eat world's just ""alright.""
"
"decalescence: absorption of heat
without temperature rise. it's a feat
that can happen with metals.
the temperature settles
as crystalline changes complete.
"
"defiatory: that was her look
when i said, ""i sure wish you could cook!""
then the next thing i knew,
she blew up and she threw
all my clothes in the yard. i'm forsook!
"
"ambuscadoed thieves watched for the train
as it entered the hills from the plain.
first they hid and they waited,
then charged unabated,
enticed by the gold they'd obtain.
"
"her beauteousness has been waning.
that weight that she lost she's regaining,
there's warts on her snout
and her hair's falling out.
i'm no catch so i can't be complaining.
"
"we've ensiled the corn and the wheat.
those are grains that you might like to eat.
my opinion is: that'll
make good food for cattle,
and when they get fat i'll eat meat.
"
"she adherently stuck to joe's plan
or, more aptly, joe's plan stuck to jan.
first joe wrote up a draft,
then reviewed it and laughed
as he taped it to jan and then ran.
"
"cytoplasmically held in your cells
are some structures we call organelles.
they're suspended in cytosol?
why does that word delight us all?
because we are big fans of gels.
"
"whatcha doing back there, epiglottis?
you help us to swallow, mom taught us.
seal my windpipe behind you.
when trying to find you,
i gape like a hippa-mo-pottus.
"
"egalitarian thoughts foster greed.
redistribute the wealth? there's no need.
just work hard, you'll be fine,
but don't try to take mine.
when you earn what you have, you succeed.
"
"it was cold so i stuck out my thumb
by the road, hoping someone would come.
then a girl drove me far
with no top on (the car).
i've become (ha!) convertibly numb.
"
"diametrally leaning against
the old gate post, both pa and i sensed
that the only thing stopping
that pylon from dropping
was us, so cement was dispensed.
"
"of your license to drive, you're deprivable.
without headlights, your car is undrivable.
you were caught before dawn,
now your license is gone,
so you walk (not ideal, but survivable).
"
"a class library lets you reuse
written code. here are some to peruse:
log4j helps with logging,
metaweblog aids blogging,
and spry helps your users find clues.
"
"jar jar binks, i can see that you tried
to be funny, but please, have some pride!
it is time that you go:
online polls seem to show
half the fans wouldn't mind if you died.
"
"a contemplator thinks very hard.
his attention's not easily jarred.
he can focus his thoughts
and connect all the dots.
each small detail is given regard.
"
"he contrariously rode into town
with his pants in the back sagging down.
they said, ""man, that's perverse!
but you know what is worse
is your horse's provocative gown.""
"
"a contrivement's a plan, or design,
or invention. so, here's one of mine:
it's called beer drinker's dream,
an alarm that will scream
when the level's too low in your stein.
"
"my driveway's a long gravel lane.
i co-own it with neighbor mccain.
it belongs to us both,
as we swore under oath.
it's a commonty both will maintain.
"
"is congenialness really your goal?
then temper the way that you roll.
a couple of traits
that will help you win mates
are agreement and niceness of soul.
"
"his dermatopathic conditions
drew conflicting advice from physicians:
""put my balm on your rash.""
""no, use mine, his stuff's trash!""
he got worse from their stressful petitions.
"
"to conservatize means to move right,
as in politics. i've seen the light
and converted my ways
from the party that brays
to the party that some call uptight.
"
"i'll desponsate the lovely miss betty.
i think that this means we'll go steady.
no? it means i will marry 'er?
yikes! that's much scarier!
wait, i recant! i'm not ready!
"
"""to promote ecumenical hope,
let's unite and be one,"" said the pope.
""dear daughters, come home;
re-embrace mother rome.""
but many reformers said, ""nope.""
"
"teacher taught effrenation today,
she explained how to spell and to say
that most fitting of words
for a class full of turds
who are rude and unruly and... hey!
"
"since the plumber showed up, things look brighter:
now the pipes' coaptation is tighter,
and no john overflowing?
more than thanks i'll be owing;
my wallet's about to get lighter.
"
"egoity: that's personality.
mine's steeped in rage and brutality.
i'm vile and i'm mean,
but my record is clean,
cuz i stay on the edge of legality.
"
"the broncos were twice football's kings;
in consecutive years they won rings.
then john elway retired,
mike shanahan?fired,
and tim tebow awaits in the wings.
"
"with the end zone in sight, leon lett
(who's as dumb as a cowboy could get)
saw himself on tv
and he thought, ""hey, that's me!""
the bills' beebe said, ""you ain't scored yet!""
"
"by a bright orange c proudly shown,
the monsters of midway are known.
as decatur's proud staleys,
they'd announced in the dailies
their new name: da bears, chi-town's own.
"
"consumerization is taking
your goods or your products and making
them highly available,
massively saleable,
appealing, but not budget-breaking.
"
"jan dodonna drew plans of defiance
that he shared with the rebel alliance.
though his plans weren't exact,
still the rebels attacked;
they relied on the force more than science.
"
"embedded quite firmly in wood,
rests the arrow of ol' robin hood.
he tugs hard, gets a sliver,
then picks from his quiver
another one. that one's no good.
"
"to be editable means you can change it:
like this limerick, please rearrange it.
if you'll note, the fifth line
at first glance may look fine,
but looks second glance at very strange it.
"
"jay buhner was nicknamed the ""bone.""
his bald head and thick beard were well known.
he could crush a ball flat
with a swing of his bat;
he's a player i wish we could clone.
"
"need some fruit to bake crowberry pie?
you'll want empetrum; find a supply
in some cool rocky soil.
you might find, if you boil
this plant's roots, you can heal a sore eye.
"
"amidala was once naboo's queen,
a world leader at only fourteen.
padm? married darth vader,
had twins three years later,
then died, 'cuz her husband was mean.
"
"deglutination: extraction of gluten.
see this seemingly harmless fig newton?
to a celiac sufferer
nuthin' is tufferer:
it causes much pain and much tootin'.
"
"enthusiastically ? that's how i'm writing,
cause i find the oedilf so inviting.
when a lim'rick defines
a hard word in five lines,
i get pumped! i get psyched! it's exciting!
"
"there's a team that displays a blue star.
they are arrogant?know who they are?
they're ""america's team,""
though for some, it would seem
to assume that is stretching too far.
"
"he's a shining example, this knight:
gleaming armor, a shimmering sight.
he effulges so greatly,
even more so, as lately
the glare off his bald spot grows bright.
"
"with diffidency joe spoke his answer,
sounding sheepishly shy for a prancer.
he's not always this coy;
he's a confident boy,
but just then he was torn (like his pants're).
"
"let's make clear what it means with a pun:
to eclaircise ain't causin' a bun
to become an ?clair ?
it means ""clearing the air""
or, in other words, what i've just done.
"
"enqueue your requests and then wait.
each in turn will be dealt with. i hate
to see work piling higher.
let's call a ceasefire?
at least till we clear off our plate.
"
"the emperor rests on his throne
and reflects on the empire he's sown.
he rules this domain
which exists in his brain?
this napoleon's nuts?his mind's blown!
"
"i'm so perfect; be glad i auditioned.
as a speaker, i'm well dispositioned:
first-rate diction, good form,
and my temperament's warm;
i'm a fit, so let's get me commissioned.
"
"an ip is a numbered address,
but to memorize? oh, what a mess.
so we give it a nom
that might end in .com,
and for lookups we use dns.
"
"to see deinosaur spelled in this way
just means dinosaur. some folks might say
that the 'e' is pretentious,
but to be conscientious,
neo-latin was apt in its day.
"
"i sat down on the wooden antique
and then painfully let out a shriek,
shouting something forbidden.
a splinter was hidden
whose cuspis (its point) gored my cheek.
"
"at the acronal end of a bug
are some things that elicit an ""ugh!""
like antennae and eyes
and appendage-y guys?
what are those? when i'm asked, i just shrug.
"
"i'm writing my ex an epistle
(a letter that's formal). yeah, this'll
be leaving no doubt
that i'm kicking her out.
she won't cook so i've signed her dismissal.
"
"to egosurf means that you try
to google your name and... oh my!
the first site i spy
says some pervert and i
share a name. but we're not the same guy!
"
"steve rogers, a scrawny young teen,
was the skinniest boy ever seen.
then they gave him a shot;
he got buffed; now he's hot!
(in the film, my wife squeals at this scene.)
"
"a delineator says, ""here's the line.
over there is the park; this side's mine.
i've defined, in good order,
my property's border.
you're trespassing. please note the sign.""
"
"he engrafted a pine branch, just now,
on his apple tree's uppermost bough.
the man must be daft
if he thinks that his graft
will grow pineapples. that is just... wow!
"
"see this list? i was asked to enrank
all the brands of tequila i drank.
for my number one pick,
i said, ""all of them...hic!""
and the rest of the list i left blank.
"
"the captain blew up when he learned
of the brawl between sailors, which earned
a consectary trip
to the side of the ship
where he keelhauled all parties concerned.
"
"admiral ackbar, from mon calamari,
had a view that was peaceful and starry.
but then lasers went ""zap!""
and he yelled, ""it's a trap!""
his attackers would later be sorry.
"
"john elway, a stanford qb,
never went on a post-season spree.
then he moved to new climes,
made the playoffs ten times
as the broncos all-time mvp.
"
"there once was a lady from crewe?
a conservative dame, through and through.
she despised things that changed,
and each friday arranged
for her hair to be dyed truest blue.
"
"acupuncturists talk of a force
of great energy?well, where's its source?
they describe it as chi?
tell me, what can that be?
oh, invisible life force, of course!
"
"green leaves and a small yellow flower:
its fruit has a strong herbal power.
cornus mas, if you please?
shan zhu yu in chinese?
the cornelian cherry is sour.
"
"if the pain sears through each aching joint,
don't use pills or with ointment anoint;
get a full diagnosis
from your head to your toes-es:
acupuncture goes straight to the point.
"
"the first nation enshrined him in lore;
then cartoons told the story once more
in a different way,
but they all seemed to say
that coyote has great tricks in store.
"
"why's your oboe so odd-looking, mel?
it sounds good, but it's lower, as well.
the double reed's right,
but i don't like the sight
of that whopping great egg in the bell.
"
"not chinese, not quite english, i hear;
this language sounds strange to the ear.
while the words are familiar,
the syntax will kill yer ?
this chinglish, it's hybrid, my dear!
"
"when i once spent a summer in china,
i read many a stunning one-liner,
in menus confused
by wording abused ?
the result? i'm a picky old diner.
"
"lady flavia phelps, such a card,
as at poker, she cheats really hard?
marks the edge of a jack;
hides an ace in her mac?
now the clubs have all told her she's barred.
"
"the male alto may sound rather strange,
using vocal gymnastics to change
from deep down to up high:
the rich notes cause a sigh
of respect for this beautiful range.
"
"young zachary phelps has a snake,
whose presence could keep you awake?
if you thought that this boa
was loose, you would know a
real fear of a crushing mistake.
"
"fiorella da felpi loves art,
but for painting she hasn't the heart.
she wields her best pen as
she inks up some tenners
and forges ahead from that start.
"
"complex harmony sets up a choir
to stay clear, or risk making a mire
of the lines contrapuntal,
with music full-frontal:
bad singers can make it sound dire.
"
"with music, symphonically scored,
anton bruckner's sounds easily soared
to the ceiling, so high,
causing many a sigh ?
with such chording you'll never be bored.
"
"that car's hurtling head-on, and fast,
towards me, but when i looked last,
the signs declared, ""motorway"".
if it hits me, i'll float away:
this contraflow leaves me aghast.
"
"a well-figured bass part? you'll crack it
with a guy from the double-reed bracket.
while the oboe's too high,
the bassoon'll comply ?
or its cousin, the compact old rackett.
"
"will confusion upset and derange
your mind and your brain? well it's strange
that man's best-laid plan
can morph through life's span:
there's nothing so certain as change.
"
"my sister, fair phyllis fi phelps,
sits all on her own as she chelps.
quite solo she chatters,
on nonsensical matters.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"california cross is so small:
some gas pumps, a vegetable stall,
six houses, one pub,
which serves moderate grub.
drive through fast ? you won't see it at all.
"
"my great uncle, sir fflorian phelps,
whose old bitch always punctually whelps,
fed the blue and white pups
stir-fried smarties for sups.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"since with coffee my pulse rate goes up,
from a tiny, wee cup i should sup.
or maybe i oughta
add milk and more water,
if it's served in a copious cup.
"
"from the quire, phelps minor voiced yelps,
with a sound quite unique to a phelps.
he caterwauled loud,
but the choir still ploughed
on regardless: it's madness that helps.
"
"mad potter, anne phelps, glazes spots
on all of her lovely clay pots.
these ceramics are fired,
but their beauty is mired
by lewd pictures?try joining the dots!
"
"my father enjoyed a cheroot,
which smelled like a smouldering boot.
this square-cut cigar
could stink out a car,
with its odorous leaves ? not so cute!
"
"some say music's as old as the ark ?
not so haydn's quartet called the lark;
and modern stravinsky
is aural kandinsky,
while the age called baroque houses bach.
"
"m'lady, fflo phelps hasn't yet
come to terms with the fact that her pet
uses teeth when he fights
and draws blood as he bites
all comers, including the vet.
"
"energetically moving, she shows
muscles rippling from head down to toes.
aerobics are in
if you want to stay thin?
this is exercise, not just a pose.
"
"dear mr or mrs or sir,
i implore you to make quite a stir
re: the cat food i've packed,
as i think it's a fact
that the samples will make your pet purr.
"
"see that reptile? i'm sure you'll predict a
good way for a snake to restrict a
small humanoid snack?
with a crush and then crack?
it's the way of the boa constrictor.
"
"the cattle regaled her with moos,
as she roped them by ones and by twos.
a wild few would pull,
but she brokered no bull,
'cos this cowgirl will not get the blues.
"
"cornelia gemstone would wear
a red ornament stuck in her hair,
gleaming nearest her thoughts:
cryptocrystalline quartz?
that's cornelian, namesake so fair.
"
"queen anne windows let in such great light,
while outside graceful grouse are in flight.
past the end of the lawns,
where the ha-ha ditch yawns,
stand the cattle?so timeless a sight.
"
"when our council tax bills first appeared,
they replaced the old ""poll tax"" we feared,
which, in turn, had displaced
civic rates, which were spaced
to be paid when the quarter-year neared.
"
"a young lady from chad would begin
by adjusting the hue of her skin,
then her hair would change colour,
to brighter or duller,
as, chameleon-like, she'd blend in.
"
"there once was a man from the states,
who asked several women on dates.
from this courtship en masse,
he acquired, alas,
not a wife, but a tangle of mates.
"
"the gorilla in downtown's posh zoo
was scrutinised, always on view.
said this big daddy ape,
""leave me be, and don't gape?
find the chimps, 'cos they're aping it, too.""
"
"the adrenal glands live to secrete
lots of corticosteroids to meet
and inhibit the swelling
from allergens dwelling
in shoulders, or lungs?even feet.
"
"the music of couperin soars
above that of his family (no snores),
for as youngest and latest,
he became far the greatest?
as composer to louis quatorze.
"
"at st benedict's college for boys,
philip phelps uses numerous ploys
to waste all his days?
he will fail all his 'a's!
this boy, never coy, just annoys.
"
"svelte cicely phelps's proportions
enabled amazing contortions
with such fabulous ease
that her foot seemed to sneeze,
while her uncle collected extortions.
"
"going round in a circle i found
that my circular trail would abound
with continuous curves
and long, drawn-out swerves,	
till i started again? going round?
"
"the barber who cut all my hair
shaved my cranium close for a dare.
now you giggle and hoot,
as i'm bald as a coot:
my fair hair's past repair?please don't stare.
"
"he stands in his gloomy patch now,
with thistles, his only known chow.
poor old eeyore's depressed,
he's unhappy, distressed,
as he cheerlessly beats his own brow.
"
"chop some onions and drop them in oil,
stir slowly and don't let them spoil.
fry over the heat
until they are sweet
and caramelised, for your toil.
"
"when covetously susie espied
the young man by her friend amy's side,
she decided to steal him
from amy, and deal him
a plot using wiles she applied.
"
"a smooth city slicker, i'm not;
should i trade in my fresh air? for what?
i'm a country girl, me ?
just a bumpkin so free,
and for street cred, i don't give a jot.
"
"my fresh constitutional walk
is a time every day when i stalk
and sidle with stealth
to improve on my health,
and i try not to look like a dork.
"
"belt and braces are more than a tease:
they're a double-security wheeze.
with a teenager's style
they'll make a boy smile,
as his trousers hang down by his knees.
"
"as i checked out my favourite cd's
i came up with a really good wheeze:
if i buy a boxed set,
i'll get all the best yet?
just six? or would ten be a squeeze?
"
"you see, c is a letter near b,
or a musical note before d.
as the sea laps the shore,
i see one meaning more:
the archbishop rules over his see.
"
"anniversary? is this the date
when i tied myself down to my mate?
now it's time to remember
that day last december
when i ran down the aisle?two hours late!
"
"an actress by name of jo lumley
was exceedingly pretty and comely:
so attractive a face,
what a body, such grace,
and she even spoke lovely and plumm'ly.
"
"bright blue azulene pigment in oil
(not the mineral hid 'neath the soil)
is from chamomile bowers,
and distilled from the flowers:
with its help, your skin's beauty won't spoil.
"
"if a teenager's cool and no fool,
will his low-waisted pants make me drool?
with the crotch at his knees,
it's the style that will please
all the girls... so he tells me. how... cool.
"
"i colour-washed all of my house,
using methods researched by my spouse.
i used lime wash and pigment:
it's true, not a figment
of mind, as my spouse used his nous.
"
"corelli composed, and while in
renaissance rome, played violin.
his trio sonatas
were very good starters
for later composers?win, win.
"
"the cloudless sky's bursting with light,
and is bluer than blue, and so bright.
so i'd best not complain:
""it's too hot. where's the rain?""
or my friends might just shoot me on sight.
"
"made of oak, with a walnut veneer,
it's a cupboard to keep the place clear
of my rose-patterned mugs
and my cow-creamer jugs,
which i think are so cute, though you sneer.
"
"the full upminster's often in use
to mean more than a dozen screws loose.
beyond barking (no buts)
means you're totally nuts
and for madness you've every excuse.
"
"my house is secure, don't you see?
it's owned almost entirely by me.
well, it's held as collateral,
but when viewed from the lateral
perspective, that mortgage is free.
"
"once a sharpshooting gangster named joe
had a sidekick, young flo, who was slow.
when he called to his moll,
""get some bullets quick, doll,""
she said, ""ammo, joe? hang on a mo?""
"
"the barking, eccentric clan phelps
utter words such as elpses and skelps.
some manic, some lazy,
their pastimes are crazy.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"catalonia's a province of spain,
not a cat, lost in spanish terrain.
the catalan tongue
leaves spanish unsung,
like a cat that's avoiding the reign.
"
"there was a young chipmunk, a nipper,
chewed gladly from ant through to zipper.
he did it with glee?
he's so cheerful, you see?
and when asked how he felt, he'd say, ""chipper.""
"
"if you're making a wee chipolata,
for meat it's financially smarter
to trade surplus beans
for the pork, 'cos that means
your thin sausage comes cheap ? using barter.
"
"i paid her with new rmb,
as she counted from one through to three:
""yi, er, san"", what's that now,
three yuan or three mau?
chinese money's a puzzle to me.
"
"king john owned a fine golden crown
which he loved; but he learned with a frown
that the marshy old wash
claimed his circlet, so posh,
as the tide caused his jewels to drown.
"
"my challenge today is to find
an oasis of calm in my mind,
and tomorrow, maybe
i will conquer the sea
in a bathtub ? a boat of a kind.
"
"as i lay on the soft, secure couch
with the needles in place (feeling ouch!),
i felt my joints strengthen ?
my back seemed to lengthen ?
acupuncture will stretch this old slouch.
"
"as a medicine it gets some derision ?
is it art or a science of decision?
two thousand years' history
reduces the mystery:
acupuncture's a skill of precision.
"
"""ugh! this chicken has yellowy skin?
shall i throw it away in the bin?""
""no! no hormones were fed
to that bird, which, now dead,
shows by colour that corn was within.""
"
"she displayed so commanding a style,
her opponents obeyed, rank and file.
commandingly, she'd
demand they agreed,
but (don't tell her) they thought she was vile.
"
"my house is all jammed full of clutter,
and it makes me so mad that i stutter,
""b-b-bric-a-brac stuff,
p-p-papers?enough!""
with this clutter i mutter and splutter.
"
"i'm painting my house, as the walls
are now peeling?i know it appals.
if i add coloured powder,
the lime wash is louder;
then colour wash neatly enthrals.
"
"i'll tell how infection is shared,
in communicable terms (nothing spared):
with no frills and no spills,
you can catch others' ills
from their germs ? now i'll bet that you're scared.
"
"as you lie on my comfy recliner,
you tell me your bruised eye's a minor
result of a fight
in the dead of the night,
when a nifty left hook caused your shiner.
"
"don't worry, her daemon's no ghoul,
and the armoured bear's powerful; not cruel.
don't panic; the gyptians
won't cause you conniptions?
in lyra's world, all these are cool.
"
"a lactose-intolerant cow
made friends with a celiac sow.
they decided to dine
on quiche and red wine,
and then they exploded?kerpow!
"
"is a bunny girl what i could be?
four foot ten inches tall; look at me,
with my long, furry ears
and my hopping that clears
fences?ouch! now i've twisted my knee!
"
"when my dentist removed an old filling,
he told me (for slightly more billing),
with chelation in use,
we could likely reduce
all the poisons inside me?i'm willing!
"
"as the window will open and tilt,
early lettuces grow and won't wilt.
a cold frame will win
by keeping warmth in?
it's recycled, or else custom-built.
"
"blackpool sands is a family beach,
with the showers and snacks all in reach
but hang on, and don't panic,
the food is organic,
and recycling is something they preach.
"
"bantham beach on those hot hazy days
encourages soft, lazy ways.
there are surfers and swimmers
and sunshine that glimmers
on sea as we laze in warm rays.
"
"you'd like to believe that you're cool,
but when did you last go to school?
you're a moron at work
and at home you're berserk:
you're a blockhead, a chump?such a fool.
"
"lord cut-glass, who lives at the gable,
feels he's better and so much more able
than proles from the slums,
who feed on the crumbs
that fall from his classy glass table.
"
"this quartet of close harmony boys
makes a confident, squash-chorded noise.
each barbershop singer
has skill that'll wring a
great joy (or perhaps it annoys).
"
"""why so common?"" we wondered in days
of our trade market's earlier phase.
so they shifted the name
and re-branded their game:
now in europe they've changed the whole phrase.
"
"the channels of life force in me
are so hidden within you can't see
the meridian flow
that with treatment will grow?
acupuncture releases the qi.
"
"chi kung is an old chinese sport,
or perhaps it's an art, of a sort.
your meridians fill
with more life force that will
help you feel quite at ease, as you ought.
"
"to drive there you'll travel roads wiggly
in your car, getting ever so giggly.
once at beesands, buy fish,
cooked or raw, as you wish?
maybe eels (just like rubber, and wriggly).
"
"concert-going, you dress to look swishy:
tuxedos and boas look dishy.
you can dress with pizzazz
when the band's playing jazz,
but suits made of sharkskin look fishy.
"
"making coffee, then adding this fake
by mistake may result in a break
in my faith in good taste:
coffee creamer is based
on some stuff that i'd rather not take.
"
"he clocked me so hard on my cheek,
i saw stars and my outlook seemed bleak,
as my head spun around
and i fell to the ground.
that right hook bruised my cheek?take a peek.
"
"a sly, ginger cat waited, hunched
under plants, shaded, tangled and bunched.
of a sudden he pounced
on a mouse, which he trounced,
and he munched as he lunched ? how he scrunched!
"
"this delicious cake makes a great team
with strong coffee that's topped with fresh cream?
just single, not double,
but real ('cos the trouble
is fake stuff will ruin the dream).
"
"i noticed that geezer at dark,
hanging out by the gate to the park.
i clocked he was there
and i stared at his hair,
which was green?now he's sure made his mark.
"
"a teenaged acquaintance of mine
for the limerick site would oft pine...
wearing low-hanging trousers,
he set up his browsers
to bring the oedilf up on-line.
"
"i combine my work, farming the land,
with playing great rock in a band,
as i combine the wheat
from my harvester's seat,
playing air guitar?give me a hand!
"
"see those thunderheads up in the sky,
while down here it continues so dry?
silver iodide's needed?
to get those clouds seeded?
not a cabbage patch, floating miles high!
"
"the compass was ancient and gold,
and lyra belacqua would hold
it and focus her mind
to search and to find
the truths, which for her would unfold.
"
"""this elitism needs to end now,""
said the horse to the old jersey cow.
""i don't see why the dog
lives so high on the hog.
why does he ride while i pull the plow?""
"
"the dispassionateness showed on his face.
forty hours per week in this place
with detachment he trudged.
this career he'd misjudged;
now he felt like a rat in a race.
"
"i smell flatulence?tootsie's, no doubt.
her effluvia pummel my snout.
she's been eating old beans
and inflating her jeans;
i stop breathing and gladly pass out.
"
"you found deer mushrooms there on your plate
(they're so named for an antler-like trait).
just one bite and you'll savor
its radish-like flavor.
a fun guy would eat them, they're great!
"
"you should not call chinese people 'yellow' ?
well, apart from that sleep-aiding fellow
who extracts from the crocus
this limerick's focus.
yes, crocetin dye makes minds mellow.
"
"know what jacob's big brother would see?
esau lentils in soup (for a fee).
they would cost him his share
due as isaac's first heir.
if he'd waited, he'd edom for free.
"
"i have eau de toilette on my wrists.
i don't like it, but wifey insists.
when i'm left on my own,
i don't wear light cologne,
but with her i'm assaulted with mists.
"
"i can fondly recall my first band.
we were not what you'd call ""in demand.""
all our fans had been bribed.
we would best be described
as an earsore (with earplugs on hand).
"
"did the ancient egyptians have kings?
ones who owned fancy scepters and rings?
did their treasures fill rooms
in their big fancy tombs?
why'd i ask, when i know all these things?
"
"a close-banded unit are we,
doing everything privacy-free.
it's a common effect
when you're sailors who've wrecked
and are packed on a raft out at sea.
"
"beatrix potter invented a bunny,
whose nature was good and quite sunny.
as a sister to peter,
flops and mops (who were sweeter),
young cottontail really was funny.
"
"soft as silk, hard as steel, she was head
of the party her father once led.
eight years exiled from home,
she returned, soon to roam:
now a bomber's made sure that she's dead.
"
"the adrenal gland carefully picks
and secretes the right hormones to fix
both your fear and your rash:
now you're clear and you're brash,
with the cortex's chemical mix.
"
"in pastures the cattle delight
to stand chewing?a painterly sight.
john sell cotman's great skill
was portraying, at will,
the landscape and beasties, just right.
"
"copper beech?what a beautiful tree,
with its canopy glorious to see:
but the very antithesis
of green photosynthesis,
those red leaves pose a puzzle to me.
"
"a corinthian column is swell,
all pretty and frilly, as well;
and the middle of greece,
where the land's one thin piece,
has been split by the corinth canal.
"
"like flowers, these creatures marine,
anthozoans, in oceans are seen:
the anemone's grace,
or the coral reef's face
of bright colours midst salty blue-green.
"
"context-free? in each sentence? no jest?
every phrase is discrete in the test.
each one stands all alone.
please don't curse me or groan.
my grammar's just headed out west.
"
"convenience food at its best,
i'll occasionally, slothfully test,
but i really prefer
to chop and then stir,
especially when blessed with a guest.
"
"our bob is the builder to bring
expertise to your levels, with string:
he measures, just fine,
then chalks up his line,
and pulls, letting go with a ""ping""!
"
"there are paw prints (ker-splatch!) in the butter,
and crocks on the floor?now i splutter?
all these moggies are hell,
so it's easy to tell,
by the mess, groups of cats make a clutter.
"
"at the beach, where the sand and sea meet,
i was walking, 'midst air that was sweet
with pure ozone, so clear,
and a thundering, near,
of the waves, which would kiss both my feet.
"
"our empire here stretches way down
to the ice, beyond country and town.
in their colony, stones,	
for the penguins, are thrones,
as the emperor there has no crown.
"
"oh, you guys are so horribly cliquish
that you're never mistaken for meekish.
you software installers
exclude and appal us:
your circle's exclusively geekish.
"
"the directors most certainly talk,
and the shareholders fly and won't walk.
imitation, quite naughty,
is this company's forte:
run by parrots, the brand name is 'squawk'.
"
"the star of this tiny, wee tale
ain't an elephant, horse or a snail.
this collection's a covey,
so, guess what, my lovey,
the birdie in question is quail.
"
"that cute little polecat of mine
came in from the garden to dine
on rats and some mice,
and frogs, which are nice?
now it's brought all its friends, there's a chine.
"
"well, good heavens, that bunch is so pleasant,
though not presently wrapped as a present.
that bouquet has some feathers,
runs wild in all weathers,
has no flowers, but plenty of pheasant.
"
"bravely swimming their way up the river,
those salmon are all of a quiver.
reproducing their kind,
they collect in a bind,
and their beauty is making me shiver.
"
"captain biggles phelps flies once again,
as he tries to soar high, all in vain.
now he falls to the earth,
amidst chortles of mirth?
what a laugh! he's forgotten his plane.
"
"no excel? then i know just the thing:
type a comma delimited string
for each row on the sheet.
now press save, ain't that neat?
it's a spreadsheet that's fit for a king!
"
"he was corporally there in his chair,
but his mind, well it just wasn't there.
i thought just as a joke
i could give him a poke,
but my conscience said, ""boy, don't you dare!""
"
"as his doctors can proudly attest,
since the accident, tom has been blessed.
though his ds are unsung
he still speaks (with no tongue).
""no big 'eal,"" tom demissly expressed.
"
"a slight configurational change
and our basketball hoop is in range.
as it stands, eight feet tall,
we can all dunk the ball.
could have sworn this was harder?that's strange.
"
"her dogmaticalness drove me nuts.
she insisted that driving in ruts
knocks the paint off your roof.
i said, ""ha! where's your proof?""
she said, ""trust me?no ifs, ands or buts.""
"
"he lost fortunes today; he went broke.
he took arsenic, hopin' to croak.
dimercaprol was given
so the man is still livin',
but he's poor like the rest of us folk.
"
"even prior to saving his town,
chunk's clumsiness brought him renown.
he dropped, broke the cock off
a renaissance knockoff,
then glued it back on upside down.
"
"the emancipator, abraham lincoln,
subscribed to a cool way of thinkin':
every man should be free,
so he signed a decree,
and the number of slaves started shrinkin'.
"
"playing third and then first, this old vet
finished off at dh, still a threat.
hall of fame, series ring,
he's the royals' crowned king.
did you guess his name yet? it's george brett!
"
"with great effortlessness i've decided
to accept all the cash he provided.
it was easy to choose
since there's little to lose.
who'd renounce pride for money? well ? i did.
"
"south dakota's a state where coyote
catch many a hare by the throat-ee.
mount rushmore's a sight,
the black hills a delight,
and its plains are worth many a photie.
"
"my woodshed can't take any more:
there are logs packed from ceiling to floor,
but cordwood's my pleasure
for sawing at leisure?
cut lengths, which are stacked by the door.
"
"""i've got butter and treacle to shove
in this pie, and some brandy, but guv,
i don't know how to choose
between food and the booze? ""
""just incorporate all the above.""
"
"copal, resin from tropical trees,
comes fresh or quite hard, by degrees:
it makes varnish and ink?
and as incense, no stink:
it's so sweet that the smoke's set to please.
"
"the clearing of drains full of murk
is a job many people will shirk,
but our billy bob's smile
can be seen for a mile,
""'cos it's all,"" he says, ""in a day's work.""
"
"the bank manager looked hard at me
and said, ""lady, you're out of your tree.
as the boss of this bank,
if a loan for that tank
comes from me, soon my job will be free.""
"
"certain features can look autocratic:
a high forehead or nose is emphatic,
and fine cheekbones on show,
as i'm sure that you know,
can make you seem arch... zygomatic.
"
"out shopping at harrods with chris,
seeking beauty, we try out, in bliss,
mascara and lippy,
and skirts, short and zippy...
but wait? is my bum big in this?
"
"i'm tiny, compressed, sharply cone-like:
made of skin, in her shoe i feel stone-like,
and the thing i like best?
my success, if you've guessed?
is to make this sore woman feel crone-like.
"
"do you know how long cheeses mature?
weeks or years. to ensure they stay pure,
they have rind as protection
from germs and infection:
the moulds, which could kill or might cure.
"
"she bolted the strangest of diets
with such speed, her insides turned to riots
of writhing and reeling
and gurgling and squealing:
just hear her approaching unquiets.
"
"rocky outcrops and sand in the spray
of the sea always brighten my day.
here the coastline's stark grace
is a magical place,
where the water and land interplay.
"
"watching clouds forming shapes is such fun?
""there's an island? a face? oh! look, hon,
see that fluffy one there?
yes, i'm sure it's a bear?
now they're parting?and here comes the sun!""
"
"the londoner said, ""cor, i'm creamed.""
it sounds strange, but the word's often teamed,
so it's short for cream crackered,
which means that he's knackered?
it's cockney and ain't what it seemed.
"
"a chicken once felt mighty queer,
and said, ""cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, do you hear?
i'm unable to frolic,
and all alcoholic,
with a half can of beer up my rear!""
"
"""oh crikey!"" cried biggles, aghast,
""my joystick won't work, damn and blast!
now my plane's in descent,
with the flight path all bent.""
our poor hero is flying half-mast.
"
"to the chrysalis, mummy said, ""kate,
now sleep deeply, but don't wake too late,
lest your time as a butterfly
quickly should flutter by:
pupate and then find a good mate.""
"
"your old hat with the skull and the daisy
makes my cognitive brain cells feel hazy.
i think when you drink
oily petrol, the brink
of sheer madness is looming?you're crazy.
"
"there was a young lady from leek,
who persuaded a crumhorn to speak.
as she blew this curved pipe
of the double reed type,
the oboe's old uncle went ""squeak"".
"
"as i hold this syringe rather near
to your rear, you have nothing to fear,
and there's no need to scowl,
for i won't make you howl?
am i making my point crystal clear?
"
"if you're fat, or just right, or quite thin,
you'll have acupoints under your skin.
each point has some links
to a web, which, methinks,
is like railway lines nestled within.
"
"when the sign says ""buy one, get one free"",
folks will pay for whatever they see,
but a bargain's no deal
if your need is not real?
so say ""bog off"" to bogofs for me.
"
"my dear little cat lives indoors
and has claws at the ends of his paws,
while a pun that's the worst
says a comma's reversed?
it's a pause at the end of a clause!
"
"i'd heard that the caf? was modelled
on the one from tv, so i toddled
to rick's, where designer
food's all cooked in china,
for eggs that weren't scrambled, but coddled.
"
"let's conduct an experiment now:
we'll put earphones on rosie the cow,
play some mozart, ravel,
and then bat out of hell.
then we'll tweak the results?you know how.
"
"you couldn't conceivably try
to get that proposal to fly.
it can't possibly work:
can't you see that, you jerk?
your invention will founder and die!
"
"""this fabulous bathroom's so plush!
i'll bet it cost all of your slush.""
""no, i never have pandered
to bling?it's bog standard,
with bath and a bog that will flush.""
"
"i think colourfast means that it's slow?
and i'll bet that you think i don't know,
but you see, here's the fun;
it's the dye that won't run
in the wash. there you go: told you so!
"
"i'm avoiding the time when i must
clear out dresses that threaten to bust
through the walls of my wardrobe,
creating a floordrobe,
with clothes lying prone in the dust.
"
"do raccoons drive you madder than mad?
trash your trash, and play up, oh-so-bad?
get a coonhound to chase
them and sniff out their place:
with this dog, you'll be gladder than glad.
"
"if your shoulder pain's set to derange,
or your backache needs serious change,
then see doctor pins,
whose cupping begins
with a flame in a jar?oh, how strange!
"
"""eat your greens up!"" these words of my mum,
as i toyed with my cabbage, seemed glum.
""your cruciferous greens
can beat cancer, it seems,
so put collards and kale in your tum.""
"
"""'ere, nobby, just 'and me the gear,""
says pilfering sid in me ear,
so i gives 'im the cutters,
an' now the bloke mutters,
""this bolt is 'ard work? somefink's queer.""
"
"while originally made of bamboo,
rounded glass makes good cupping jars, too;
and, in recent days, plastic
seems modernly drastic?
but all of them stick well to you!
"
"a cylinder might be a bin,
or a jar, or a pole, or a tin.
with a circle each end,
the whole profile's a bend?
and the best kind hides biscuits within.
"
"it's as english as having one's supper?
from the lowest class, through to the upper.
since it first came from china,
tea's never been minor:
""here, darling?cheer up, have a cuppa.""
"
"with nobby and sid on the block,
the crime rate has soared?quite a shock,
since these nincompoops grab,
sometimes mug? even stab?
our policemen work all round the clock.
"
"elspeth phelps simply loves the applause
of the audience?clapping and roars:
the loud whistles enthral
her at each curtain call,
as she bows?it's the bit she adores!
"
"i'm convulsed in a fit of the giggles!
have you seen him?the new model biggles?
stilettos, pink goggles,
(the mind simply boggles)
and, under his frock, ""something"" jiggles.
"
"mao zedong had a great, sweeping plan
to reform the chinese to a man.
with a guard who were red,
he caused chaos, instead:
the grim reaper had fires to fan.
"
"you look blue in your skin and your lips:
let me check if your heart blips or skips.
cyanosis is scary,
so please do be wary:
keep breathing, if only in sips.
"
"be off, spotty youths, get ye home,
and resist your desire for to roam.
leave us be, we're good folk?
bugger off! i don't joke:
look ye here at my mouth?see the foam!
"
"my cynicism sets up my style:
if your faith's in good works, i'll revile
your great words with a put-down,
and put my best foot down,
with honeyed words, stemming from bile.
"
"did you tell me that ham's fully healed,
and its death sentence now is repealed?
""it's cured,"" you just said:
does that mean it's not dead,
and has jumped off the table and squealed?
"
"massive pillows of rounded grey cloud
shade this day like a big, fluffy shroud,
fill the air with the static
of storms, quite dramatic?
cumulonimbus?these clouds should be proud.
"
"with a cystoscope, doctors can see
what your urinary symptoms might be.
they're the bane of your life?
causing burning and strife,
and an endless desire to pee.
"
"if you're skinny, or fat, or just squat,
you may wonder, ""why is it i'm not
more athletic, like him?
or like her (she's so slim)?""
but your body type forms what you've got.
"
"i felt cool, shooting pool with young max,
but, on cue, my technique showed its cracks.
badly aiming my cue
meant my kudos was through:
never slack, shouted max, ""don't pot blacks.""
"
"continuing something that's started:
professional skills are imparted.
development's key,
but between you and me,
don't get started when feeling faint-hearted.
"
"you may think that m'cavity's not there,
but that's really so wrong and unfair,
for my cranial cavity?
eight bones, of some gravity?
holds my brain, so now tease, if you dare.
"
"hey, listen, friends, romans and peers,
if you lend me your small, shell-like ears,
your compunctions will cease
and your courage increase?
you have nothing to lose but your fears.
"
"before daybreak, while resting your head,
quite secure in your military bed,
keep a guard at your back
for a dawn raid. don't slack,
or you'll end up not sleeping, but dead!
"
"on a farm filled with cows munching grass
life is slow? not a lot comes to pass.
bovine ladies give milk,
there's young stock, of like ilk,
and there might be a bull? watch your arse!
"
"that bagpiping busker? he chooses
to amuse us, while piping his muses.
he's dressed to the hilt?
tam o'shanter and kilt?
but our eardrums receive aural bruises.
"
"skinny dactylar ends to his limbs
means a person can hold up his pimms
while he twiddles his toes
and he scratches his nose,
as his dactyls obey all his whims.
"
"tonight i'll go out on the razzle,
and find myself burned to a frazzle.
at my flashiest height,
to the diners' delight,
i'll dance nude on the table to dazzle!
"
"dead drunk, late last night, as i swerved,
i fell over an object, all curved.
every side was quite bent,
and it rolled as it went?
i was having a ball? though unnerved.
"
"i'd be flying with ease and no care,
but i feel there's a ""humph!"" in the air!
perpendicular breezes
(like teasing with wheezes)
blow crossly, so fly if you dare!
"
"what? me, cynical? surely you joke?
but don't think that your ego i'll stroke,
so you'd better wise up
or i'll hand you a cup
of my thoughts? you'll be sorry you spoke.
"
"don't tell me you're bored. hit the beach!
grab your board?it's just there, within reach?
then strip down to your undies
on sat'days and sundies?
ride those rollers, boy, life is a peach!
"
"""this tartly red cranberry's very
delicious in sauces,"" said kerry.
""it's perfect with turkey ?
and urine that's murky.
it's such a darned versatile berry!""
"
"asked the magistrate, looking quite sad,
""is that rascal a bounder, or cad?
if it's cad, then he's conscious,
a bit like old pontius;
if bounder, less knowing?still bad.""
"
"when i once held my breath for too long,
i was left with no words and no song?
in fact, nothing at all,
and to further appall,
i suspect that i started to pong.
"
"let's examine my cranial dome,
the curved bones that serve neatly as home
to my walnut-like brain,
which remains the domain
where my body-mind impulses roam.
"
"my larder floor's littered with spices
and flour that's been trashed by the mices.
though critters won't kill me,
with anger they fill me:
my pantry's in rodent-wrecked crisis.
"
"jersey yellow, or fat-reduced white,
at the top of the milk, day and night,
in my lactose-filled dream,
as i sup on the cream,
i take more of a slurp than a bite.
"
"a confusing young lady, called brenda,
cross-dressed to escape her male gender.
she started as 'he',
then he dressed as a 'she',
using falsies that doris would lend her.
"
"am i angry? my friend, you are joking:
beware of the temper you're stoking.
i'm so cross, i could curse,
and i'm moody, but worse,
my poor head feels so pressured, it's smoking.
"
"are cryonics ""well cool"" or just silly?
that old geezer won't die now, or will he?
to slow bodily function
without extreme unction
sure brings a new meaning to chilly.
"
"those goldfinches touch and disarm;
as i watch them, i sense a deep calm.
while they nibble discreetly,
my heart melts completely?
that soft-feathered group is a charm.
"
"that dazzling star is so bright,
i came out to see why it was light
when the witching hour's done
and the sunny old sun
is asleep in the dark of the night.
"
"it's a term of endearment (like dear)
but more loving, so's not to appear
to be grumpy or snarling?
so say ""hello, darling""
with warmth?and no hint of a sneer.
"
"there's a beast you can think of as stunning,
who moves, full of beauty, when running,
but clever and wily,
the fox works quite slyly,
and farmers decry his great cunning.
"
"last night we went out to a bar
with a floor show, quite frankly, bizarre.
oh my god! how we laughed!
the performance was daft,
with a man-eating rabbit the star!
"
"as an art critic, davey's got style
that's akin to old mona's dry smile.
is she sneering or smiling,
or wryly beguiling?
young nyob's na?ve, all the while.
"
"the black mulberry's a tree, which i greet
with a ravenous greed, as i eat
the lush fruit from high branches
i reach, taking chances,
my lips dripping juice, darkly sweet.
"
"returning from cymru by train,
i had this strange thought on my brain:
""i wonder why wales
spills over with snails?""
i suspect that they're drawn by the rain.
"
"wide-awake in a daydream i dreamt
that a man dressed in snakeskin, unkempt,
came to offer me fruit;
then his skin became suit?
does the devil wear prada to tempt?
"
"for the plural of cow, cows is fine,
or, from old anglo-saxon, it's kine.
you could also say ""cattle"",
but this prattle's no battle:
etymology's fun?not a swine!
"
"as i write, using longhand, this verse
becomes anything other than terse.
i will join up each word,
in the manner preferred,
forming cursive, the script you might curse.
"
"the term toxin can mean all's not well:
we think, 'poison'?avoid it like hell.
but when illness gets going,
you body starts sowing
cytotoxins to kill each bad cell.
"
"mother hen saves her chicks from a battering:
she protects every one with a smattering
of clucks, and as such,
she looks after her clutch
by rounding them up?lovely chattering!
"
"burning urine may cause you some pain,
or desire to pee, yet again.
so your doctor may need ya
to have a procedure
called cystoscopy, viewing your drain.
"
"it's so different to being a slouch,
when you're poised and controlled in a crouch?
with your leg muscles taut,
and your knees bent, you ought
to avoid getting cramp?oh, but... ouch!
"
"as we sneak through the bushes, we'll peep
round each plant, and then onwards we'll creep,
through the tall jungle grasses:
first cover our arses?
then look, check for danger, and leap!
"
"you wanna swap roles?make a switch?
bet the thought of that sure makes you twitch:
while it's no female dog,
when your days are a slog,
it's so true, honey, life is a bitch!
"
"my trek in the mountains is bliss,
with my well-laden donkey?i'd miss
this renowned beast of burden,
but tell me the word on
her load?is my ass big in this?
"
"grey-green olive trees float in the heat
of the largest greek island, complete
with flotillas of boats,
many droves of tame goats
and some kri-kris (found only on crete).
"
"poor old biggles is making a hash
of this landing: he's going to crash!
his plane's banking too steeply,
and nose-dives too deeply?
will touchdown be bumpy or ""smash""?
"
"there once was a man with three cocks,
whose great pride was delivering shocks,
but this surfeit occurred
on account of a third
of his hen chicks were noshed by a fox.
"
"my philosophy's all in 'the now',
as i try not to think 'why and how',
but i ponder on truth
and retaining my youth:
my life's path is of being?the dao.
"
"i didn't intend to alarm her
when she sought my advice on her dharma,
like, ""what is my work?""
so i told her, ""don't shirk?
then your dharma will smooth out your karma.""
"
"the beautiful chocolate fountain
has the mystic allure of a mountain ?
with aid from a sherpa
you'll soon be a 'slurpa',
with calories mountin' ... get countin'!
"
"in the bakery, sometimes i cry,
""this damn black bread ain't risen... oh, why?
while the white bread is creamy,
and croissants are dreamy,
the rye loaves lie flatly awry!""
"
"as she dropped it deep into the oil,
i was sure that my mars bar would spoil,
but delicious and thick,
it did not make me sick,
though the thought of it made me recoil.
"
"when oedilfers arrange that they'll meet
in a caf?, soon after they greet,
they'll get into the loop,
order alphabet soup,
and make limericks from letters they eat!
"
"when hyperspace warped and time bent
for the ship that the vogons had sent,
that hitchhiker, ford,
had wangled on board
a survivor from earth, arthur dent.
"
"""it's delicious?you must try a bite
and then tell me you share my delight
in this small, tasty morsel,
or else i might force all
the rest in your mouth? what a fright!""
"
"when deliciousness strikes me in food
and capriciousness captures my mood,
i might swoon with delight
as my taste buds incite
me to hand you a forkful? unchewed!
"
"uncle bob said, ""i haven't a clue
how to act, 'cos i'm damned if i do,
and i'm damned if i don't,
so i will or i won't,
and whichever i choose, you will sue!""
"
"use this tool to help stir up the soil
and to aerate without too much toil.
not for harrowing now,
nor as deep as a plough,
it was horse-drawn before we used oil.
"
"there was a young lady from goring
who could never be thought of as boring:
vivaciously pretty;
salaciously witty;
with boyfriends, by scores, all adoring.
"
"as i doggedly searched for a word
to describe it, i found you preferred
me to ask you the breed
of that mutt on your lead,
but a dawg is a dawg?it's absurd.
"
"when your credit is caught in the crunch,
don't rely on a whimsical hunch?
double-check what seems best
and play close to your chest
in a world that seems right out to lunch!
"
"if you land me a punch that goes 'bonk',
centre face, there's no bottle of plonk,
but a claret jug's slang
for my nose? well go hang?
my proboscis to me is my conk!
"
"as the troops breached the walls of the town,
the king's wife, giving birth, showed the crown.
said the general, ""my liege,
we have broken the siege,""
and the princeling arrived, upside down.
"
"jacob clemens non papa could cope
with music quite complex in scope;
so dulcetly sonic,
and best polyphonic:
this composer was pure, but no pope.
"
"oh, honey, let's just go away!
we won't need stacks of money to pay
for a short city break?
grab a few things to take
to berlin for an overnight stay.
"
"cutting cordwood today in my yard,
my favourite task seemed so hard.
when i checked out the teeth
on the blade held beneath
the bow of the saw, they were marred.
"
"each morning, with sleep in my eyes,
i reluctantly, blearily rise
to milk dairy cows daisy
and bluebell and maisie?
these girls hear my dawn-breaking sighs!
"
"dermovascular action's the flow
of the blood in the vessels that go
out to nourish the skin
from deep pumping within,
so my toes warmly glow in the snow.
"
"there once was a fellow named flynn,
whose hands were bright blue and quite thin.
to avoid people's stares
he wore gloves?seven pairs?
made of dermatoid latex, like skin.
"
"while working to free indian land, he
wore clothing, both simple and handy?
homespun cotton, wrapped loose.
as he pressed for a truce,
the dhoti enrobed mr gandhi.
"
"an anxious young shopper named paul
hurried out to the stores at the mall.
as he revved up his chevy
the traffic was heavy?
appallingly slow?all acrawl.
"
"skinny arms and thin legs, but big belly,
which wobbles around like a jelly?
if you want to stay slim,
with no beer gut (like him),
best avoid all the lager and telly.
"
"there was a young lady called bunny,
pursued by hot suitors with money.
delectably charming,
with beauty disarming,
the buzz was she tasted like honey.
"
"as my colleagues each hold a firm note,
a new tone issues forth from my throat:
not a fifth or a third,
but so near it's absurd.
does close harmony garner your vote?
"
"fixing corrie to wood i used gum,
which, in retrospect, seems rather dumb.
using clout nails instead,
i bang each on the head?
oh damn! i've just clouted my thumb!
"
"an unhappy young lady from ware?
""from where?"" ""it's in hertfordshire... there!""?
felt so lost she was hopeless
and helpless, and copeless.
despairful, this dame didn't care.
"
"disorderliness gets me again,
as i'm tracking my raincoat in vain.
i'm joining that crowd
(for crying out loud)
uncontrolled in the dull british rain.
"
"clever philip's elusive doc. phil.
is essential. with no time to kill,
his doctoral thesis
increases by pieces
that skilfully spill from his quill.
"
"a consortium tendered its bid
for the dome, with its nice, rounded lid.
the investors discerned
the true value, adjourned,
and the chairman declared, ""fifty quid.""
"
"aveton gifford lies low on the aune,
which can sparkle with sunshine at dawn.
there's a road that gets sopping,
and locals go shopping
at a store that 'big' managers scorn.
"
"since she dowdily dresses, i'm dreading
the event to which deirdre is heading.
she'll look frumpily shabby
at westminster abbey
for cousin prince archibald's wedding.
"
"please step over the threshold alone, joan?
i can't carry you, dear, so don't moan, joan.
it's not whether the doorstone
is polished or raw stone,
but the fact that you weigh twenty stone, joan.
"
"dispiritedly slumped in my room,
i've lost hope and my mind's gripped with gloom.
my poor heart's fixed on ""blue"",
i have nightmares of you?
did i mention my feelings of doom?
"
"there once was a fellow, i fear,
whose speech was remarkably queer.
speaking five lines of nonsense
sans reason or conscience,
he walked in the footsteps of lear.
"
"naughty ronald is also distraught,
as he wrestles with 'ought not' and 'ought'.
this philandering lad
made sweet sadie so sad
that he's lost that which couldn't be bought.
"
"dearest sadie is saddest since ron,
her old  husband, has finally gone.
this wife's desolately driven
to wish she'd forgiven,
and wonders how life can go on.
"
"for the music of bach, take good heed:
in performance, great skills you will need.
you singers and flutes
must breathe from your boots:
mighty bach demands breath-taking speed.
"
"as the dark of the evening draws near,
certain shy, lovely mammals appear,
and while some are quite muscular,
all are crepuscular:
antelope, hedgehog and deer.
"
"his response to her question was terse;
her rejoinder was making things worse.
not the cleverest guy,
so his counterreply
was to give up retorting, and curse.
"
"hanging still on stems, achingly bent,
showing beauty that nature has lent,
in a breathtaking hue,
which is bluest of blue?
bell-shaped flowers with sweet, subtle scent.
"
"a collegium's led by no boss,
so the voters may be at a loss,
for committees of equals
get bogged down in sequels:
no boss means they don't give a toss.
"
"my felis domesticus sat
with his tail swishing this way and that:
so graceful his poise
and contented the noise
of a well-fed, beloved old cat.
"
"with her carapace hugging her tight,
every creature swims close in the night,
and to shore each one hurtles,
in a bale of girl turtles,
leaving eggs (each one facing its plight).
"
"it occurs to me, cowardly curs
may not sport the best quality furs?
see that cowardice there,
with their terrible hair!
and that poor mongrel bitch?look at hers!
"
"those guys in gorilla suits planned
to play live on guitars (no, not canned).
but a zoo-keeper came
to their gig, so their fame
was short-lived, as he captured the band.
"
"see that horse over there? yes, that dapple-
grey, flanks curving round like an apple.
he's an old-fashioned hack,
with a name from way back?
my old dad always calls him a capel.
"
"in the ""tolerant"" west it's the purse,
more than breeding, that makes one's class ""worse""
than the class of another.
class structure ? oh brother!
west or east, it's society's curse.
"
"elizabeth phelps, known as bessie,
was always dishevelled and messy,
but she's smart as can be
since she went to paree:
with a swan on her head, bessie's dressy.
"
"at debauchery bessie excels,
as this phelps girl does stuff that compels
common folk to exclaim,
""is this girl on the game?
she adorns her bare breasts with brass bells!""
"
"in the sky, a young lady called dawn
is resplendently, daily, reborn,
with a radiant grace
on her rose-coloured face
at the dawning of every new morn.
"
"please say it gets better, not worse,
this obsessive constructing of verse!
i've tried counting sheep,
but can't get to sleep,
while in limericks, myself i immerse.
"
"""adore"" sounds like ""love"" plus some more,
but when placed between ceiling and floor
in a frame in the wall,
from a room to the hall,
without passion, it's simply a door.
"
"discursively chatting, i'm free
to discuss an old pain in my knee,
then from rats to psychology
(no breath for apology).
join the dots, a to z, back to p.
"
"your doc, with a steth and a good
new sphygmomanometer could
review your bp ?
""will i live?"" yessiree,
with one-twenty on eighty, you should.
"
"when the oil crisis turns to a famine, a
change from delights (such as lamb) in a
shortage of meat,
for both poor and elite,
means the fat folks munch thinnies for stamina.
"
"this symphytum herb's handy for sprains,
while, in folklore, the comfrey plant gains
greater claims: that it mends
broken bones, so this sends
people looking in ditches and drains.
"
"didactically speaking in verse:
is it teaching gone crazy, or worse?
using limerick form
to instruct, as the norm,
could be termed the oedilfian curse.
"
"tough and skinny, or fat, with big bellies,
glasgow gangsters are never great nellies.
when they fight by the clyde,
i'd advise you to hide,
or you'll drown clad in plaid concrete wellies.
"
"small and fluffy, it takes well to water,
and it's fowl as a son or a daughter
to a mother, who's cracking
at dredging and quacking.
have you guessed it's a duckling? you oughter!
"
"i'm running so hot i could rip
all my clothes off: i really must strip,
but not muscles and all?
as i'd pop out my ball-
and-socket joint?that would be hip.
"
"at the opera in dusty beijing,
i heard how the chinese stars sing.
the mysterious noise
was delivered with poise,
while the cymbals made both my ears ring.
"
"they say, ""stop it, please cease and desist!""
but i stubbornly strive to resist.
straining muscle and sinew,
i crossly continue.
desistance is useless... i'm pissed!
"
"ray's amazed by dear maisie's maize maze.
he turned left, doubled right, hopes ablaze.
now confusion is winning?
his head's madly spinning?
he's been lost, lacking reason, for days.
"
"the deltoid's attached to the shaft,
not the head of the bone, which seems daft.
it appears that the humerus
has knobbles quite numerous.
tuberosities? nobody laughed?
"
"the surrealists' luncheon is odd,
as blancmange is served floating on cod.
all the food's weirdly layered,
and dissimilarly paired?
not proverbial peas in a pod.
"
"when converting your attic, peruse
skylight catalogues?better still, choose
perpendicular placements
for roof-hugging casements?
dormer windows give views as you snooze.
"
"they say dowland, composer, was taught
by a pro, and in denmark the court
took his lute to their heart,
but in england this start
didn't make for the status he sought.
"
"as a carpenter, alice was dippy,
making shelves that were slapdash and slippy.
now her cupboards have crashed,
leaving crockery smashed.
she's a hopelessly ham-fisted chippy.
"
"burgh island's so close to the land
you can walk there provided there's sand
on the causeway, or ride
(if you wait till high tide)
on the sea tractor, back to the strand.
"
"is it big, then, this bigbury-on-sea?
no, there's really not even a quay:
reddish rocks end the beach
within estuary's reach,
and you'll eat all organic for tea.
"
"the descent in north devon's clovelly
is often depicted on telly,
but its weathered old cobbles
cause wobbles and hobbles?
i slipped and fell flat on my belly.
"
"had i lived, i could tell you my pa
had been ruler of russia so far;
but our family was killed
and my blue blood was spilled,
thus blocking my turn as a czar.
"
"like tarka the otter at play,
i could float down the taw for the day
to the long bridge, sublime,
where a town steeped in time
boasts a fountain with soft, falling spray.
"
"his lute songs with beauty are filled;
he wrote poetry: doubly skilled.
back then, thomas campion,
composer most champion,
charged with murder, just could have been killed.
"
"homer simpson's a fellow who'll grow
on you slowly, but markedly so.
he's completely uncool,
plays the barking mad fool,
with his signature catchphrase of ""d'oh!""
"
"in their teens, bobby's tricks were well known:
brother dave looked the same, flesh and bone.
so bob slept with dave's girls?
duplication of curls
and his face meant that bob was dave's clone.
"
"my vocation is lost without hope
if i can't be a priest or the pope.
as a girl, i think sin
is that guys always win.
can i cope with a dress but no cope?
"
"there once was an amateur choir
whose talents would never inspire.
their rhythm was stalling,
their tuning, appalling?
i tell you, their concerts were dire.
"
"at his funeral she felt on the verge
of a meltdown, complete with the urge
to intone, loudly groaning,
her own lonely moaning
to merge with the organist's dirge.
"
"at the dance, lovely fi phelps is glad
that her dress (long red silk) means she's clad
like a handful of rellies,
in ball gown and wellies?
it helps if you're barkingly mad!
"
"caveman dana's cool cousin, xu lin,
who's from china, invented a pin.
it was thin as a rock?
that's a term that could shock,
for a needle that pierces the skin.
"
"there was a young girlie called shirley,
whose hair on her forehead was curly.
she was horridly frightful,
then brightly delightful,
or totally charming then surly.
"
"i stand rooted, my feet on the ground,
with my hands on my tummy's slight mound,
and feel energy rise
that, with chi from the skies,
helps my centre of balance stay round.
"
"""with steam, i can neatly de-crease,""
says the laundress inspecting each piece.
but her efforts all stink,
as ""decrease"" equals ""shrink"",
so i'm calling the laundry police.
"
"huang lian, chinese rhizome, most bitter,
can cure you of sickness or squitter.
it's coloured dark yellow,
this coptis, un-mellow?
i've chewed it?it made me a spitter!
"
"chinese medicine?now where do i start?
acupuncture and herbs play a part,
as do tui na and moxa;
and cupping unlocks a
new level of health?what an art!
"
"i like truth, but i'm not a real vow-ist.
i believe, but i'm no holy-cow-ist.
with life's balance at stake,
i try hard not to take
yin or yang to extremes? i'm a daoist!
"
"a clothes horse ain't equine in breed,
nor a camel, nor any old steed.
it's a rack for wet washing:
quite humble?or poshing?
it'll do for both sackcloth and tweed.
"
"after food, peristalsis can riot,
to disturb your post-operative quiet,
which means your digestion
is brought into question.
the answer? a clear liquid diet.
"
"if the codfather has you in sight
with the vinegar, salt and his might,
and you fear that this dude
wants to eat your fast food,
better pass like those chips in the night.
"
"the students of music tried hard
to create something new: avant-garde,
but, oh no, my poor ears!
all that screeching, my dears,
and that scraping, made tunes that were marred.
"
"this cactus, with seasonal link,
is more pulpy and flat than you'd think.
it comes from brazil,
and its bright flowers will
cheer your christmas with red, white or pink.
"
"if my cat is demanding his food,
and he claws me, i tell him he's rude.
when he asks me politely,
i feed him forthrightly:
then ""hairball pet crunchies"" are chewed.
"
"your fiscal attentions are rising
and i see that you've made them comprising
at first copper cash;
now i find that my stash
of chocolate coins is surprising!
"
"the romans built baths in this city,
and the georgian houses are pretty,
but what so makes me larf
is the way you say ""barth""?
you pronounce it as ""bath"": oh how witty!
"
"this book looks old fashioned or quaint,
bound in cloth, with the title so feint.
covered board has a charm
that will do it no harm,
though an airport smash hit? no it ain't.
"
"miss picassa phelps hates household chores
and makes artwork that's messy, indoors?
applies paint with a duster?
you could certainly trust her
to use mops on her sculptures (not floors).
"
"we get on, so i'd like to extend
you my hand?will you please be my friend?
oh, you will? hey, that's great.
now we've settled that, mate,
have you six hundred quid you could lend?
"
"anthriscus sylvestris will need
a year or two, growing from seed.
umbelliferous plant:
it is widespread; i grant
you that cow parsley's known as a weed.
"
"i love france and the french all the way:
adore croissants, vin rouge, s'il vous pla?t.
you may think i'm a true
oxymoron. my view
is i'm francophile english?c'est vrai!
"
"a young phelpsian fruitcake called jilly
flouts society's rules willy-nilly:
out shopping, she's nude,
and her language is lewd.
beyond barking, she's more than just silly.
"
"in the alphabet, numbered at three,
or as water, to windward or lee,
like an 'o' that's unfurled
till it's sickle-shaped, curled:
do you see, is it sea or just c?
"
"i think that perhaps you mistook
what i meant by ""a building""?there, look!
bring back thor with his hammer
to quash the rooks' clamour,
so raucous i can't read my book.
"
"with true exaltation of flight,
gentle larks gain incredible height,
but through tracking their singing
i just discern winging
by slightly adjusting my sight.
"
"in a colony, frogs make a sound,
quite unrivalled for miles around.
these creatures, aquatic,
get quite acrobatic
on ground, with great leaps that abound.
"
"these birds often call for a mention
with shrill singing that grabs our attention.
""oh, hark! is that larks?""
someone often remarks,
as a group of them makes an ascension.
"
"all is still on the rocks by the shore?
don't disturb all those beds there, you boor.
no clams are out peeping,
and oysters are sleeping...
collectively having a snore.
"
"the artist vecellio (titian)
painted dames of a fat disposition:
these ladies were wealthy
and thought it was healthy
to gorge on renaissance nutrition.
"
"as i played on my didgeridoo,
with its droning, vibrating too-roo,
breathing hard as i could
on the eucalypt wood,
""didg'ridon't!"" screamed my aussie mate, blue.
"
"there once was a lady, in fiction,
who had an unusual affliction:
she emitted a shriek
when she started to speak,
and insisted it aided her diction.
"
"in your foot, this small bone's special place is
behind and below where your lace is.
in maths it's a cube,
neither sphere, nor a tube,
because cuboid means shape with six faces.
"
"like a reptile, i'll slink through the dew,
and appear as though out of the blue.
but if i encroach
i'll be risking reproach
for my creepingly sneaking loud ""boo!""
"
"poor old ted, whom i shot in the head,
should not really be lying there dead.
but he strode in between
my gun and the queen
and received, in her stead, all my lead.
"
"i'll return them, so can i assume
it's ok to desume and desume
your best bling and a dress,
without causing distress,
as you're soundly asleep in your tomb?
"
"a boxer gal, doubtless with clout,
invariably won every bout.
as she squeezed through the ropes,
her coach had high hopes,
saying,  ""go for it ? knock yourself out.""
"
"rosy-faced and quite round of behind,
my friend martha was one of a kind.
when i sneakily peeked
she was freakily cheeked:
her three buttocks blew everyone's mind.
"
"dodging sheep, when i can't manage slumber,
i count up the nerves i can number
overall, then define all
the craniospinal,
like phrenic, thoracic, and lumbar.
"
"said the cellist to first violin,
""with but four, our quartet's sounding thin.
let's both sneak out the back
and drum up a fifth hack,
and then, basely, we'll stick the bloke in.""
"
"a ballisto- type cardiograph,
when in use by the medical staff,
measures blood through the heart
by the way that that part
causes muscle jumps just like a laugh.
"
"the anomalist greeks felt  a word ?
be it kumquat or dingdong or bird ?
had no meaning attached,
but was randomly hatched.
the analogists said, ""that's absurd!""
"
"if in law, the old rules don't apply,
or in math, a new method you try,
there once was a word
that is now seldom heard.
it was aliter; wave it goodbye.
"
"upon passing a burma-shave sign,
i encountered this rather odd line:
""the aristulate face
brings on shame and disgrace.""
that's for barley, not people, you swine!
"
"i see colors, except for one hue,
with acyanopsia, true;
but my victory's pyrrhic
when singing the lyric:
""hurrah for the red, white, and ... ummm....""
"
"when you separate stuff with a spark,
around where do the particles park?
well, the anolyte's goal
is the positive pole,
with the catholyte left in the dark.
"
"a great balancer bloke, ""shipwreck"" kelly,
on a flagpole's high perch, did quite well.  he
would sit on the top,
for weeks without stop ?
entertainment before there was telly.
"
"all hail lakers great, kobe bryant!
as a backcourtman, truly he's giant.
points per game?  gosh, two dozen!
all the fans are a-buzzin'.
want an autograph?  he'll be compliant.
"
"an apandrous plant's not very happy,
for he'll never be known as a pappy.
though he's got a male part,
he can't get it to start,
which, in short, makes him feel rather crappy.
"
"at the species bar, here is my gripe:
that, because of conformity's hype,
you will oft hear a boor
say, ""i'm sorry, but you're
apotypic, not really my type.""
"
"when asystole hits you in bed,
pull that sheet right up over your head.
you've a flat ekg.
ciao, goodbye, rip,
au revoir, sayonara: you're dead.
"
"said clark kent in a panic, ""great scott!
there's no phone booth; i'm put on the spot!
how can i change clothes
before fighting my foes
when a cell phone is all that i've got?""
"
"from the acotyledons, we learn
that some plants like a moss or a fern
have no seed leaves, and so,
when they're starting to grow,
have no stored food to which they can turn.
"
"from the bancus superior court
come decrees of the most stable sort.
(also known as queen's bench?
it's from latin, not french?
and in writing as banc. sup. for short.)
"
"what adephagous beetles are found?
there are water, and tiger, and ground.
with antennae like threads
on the top of their heads,
they devour all insects around.
"
"for this evening i'm sure that you want
to learn more of the language balante:
heard in guinea-bissau
and (i'm sure you'll allow)
senegal, but not voiced in vermont.
"
"if you look very closely, you'll find
that a banstickle fish is three-spined.
fishy rivals he jabs
will be food for the crabs,
or at least to the seabed consigned.
"
"if you want to see air pressure traffic
you should visit a lab barographic.
they record highs and lows
and see how it all goes?
weather fiendish or wholly seraphic?
"
"if you're dwelling with constant neurosis
on the cause of your rank halitosis,
i can surely declare,
since there's plenty of air,
it's not really anoxybiosis.
"
"an appropriation request
must meet this unwavering test:
is it something you need
for your job, or is greed
why you ask for a cashmere-lined vest?
"
"acquired immunodeficiency
is not met with required sufficiency;
for the people with aids
don't desire parades,
just a bunch of inspired efficiency.
"
"waifish models are quite a weird bunch.
for their breakfast, they ofttimes will munch
on a quark of stale cake,
then at noon take a break
for a huge bimolecular lunch.
"
"your highness, we're quite in a jam.
for when looking up battering ram,
not an engine of siege
did the sage find, my liege,
but the first step in deep-frying lamb.
"
"said beelzebub, lord of the flies,
""william golding i truly despise.
he just uses my name
without paying (for shame!).
i shall send him a nasty surprise.""
"
"as a dandy, beau brummell loved clothes.
he eschewed knee-length breeches and hose.
plain black coat, white cravat,
tight black pants, opera hat
and high boots were the wardrobe he chose.
"
"no more earthquakes!  i really despise 'em,
for there's no way for us to chastise 'em.
i don't care what some think;
i say all of them stink:
shallow temblor or deep bathyseism.
"
"the brown bavian (chacma) baboon
walks about in a primate platoon.
it does oodles of harm
to the crops on a farm
(whether corporate, or village commune).
"
"way, way down in the oceans so bathic
swims a guy who is quite telepathic.
he calls to the fishes,
who do what he wishes.
he is aquaman, drawn eurygnathic.
"
"if the weather you want to confirm-o,
'cause conditions are making you squirm-o,
record pressure and heat
and humidity (neat!)
with a hygrograph, baro- and thermo-.
"
"calorimeters measure the heat
given off by the egg that you eat.
do you think it's one joule?
then you're either a fool,
or your snack's a room temperature treat.
"
"do you really believe it is such a
big deal that a word can so touch a
man's heart?  is that so?
i agree with you, bro.
or in other words, ""achcha?"" ""yes.  achcha.""
"
"if watching the moves of a cat,
as it wriggles like this and like that,
lets you see what's ahead
(""should i just stay in bed?""),
you've ailuromancy down pat.
"
"when in astrapophobia's grip,
you might quake at a rainstorm's first drip,
for the lightning you fear
is most certainly near.
you had better go cancel your trip.
"
"the poor beanie, a small brimless cap,
has acquired a rather bum rap.
it was worn by the frosh
in the old days, by gosh.
to remove one would cause quite a flap.
"
"when erosion has all wiped away
the first soil horizon (that's a),
all that's left in the end?
bc soil, my friend:
broken rocks 'neath a layer of clay.
"
"a large baculus: that's what you need
to tell people that you're in the lead.
whether bishop or moses,
one surely supposes
your commands are obeyed ? all must heed!
"
"amarthritis is truly a pain;
if your multiple bone joints  contain
an enormously great
inflammation, of late,
take two vioxx, then see me again.
"
"apply force and some muscles contract,
but they stay at the same time intact.
these are called auxotonic.
don't get all histrionic,
any spring can perform the same act.
"
"no, a bellyband isn't obese
tuba players who blow without cease.
it's a hitch for a horse
pulling wagons, of course,
with a circumabdominal piece.
"
"an arbuscula's shaped like a tree,
but it might be a shrub, mon ami,
or a really small oak.
no, it's not just a joke;
ask a bonsai fanatic and see.
"
"barbituric is acid so mellow.
(it's a downer precursor, old fellow.)
take pyrimidine, see,
and then tack on o3.
and get malonylurea, not jell-o.
"
"the banzai charge came off just as planned,
all at once, at the colonel's command;
and so, ""ten thousand years!""
came their chorus of cheers
as they raced along over the sand.
"
"if a passion for anything floral
causes actions completely immoral,
anthomania's  what
you have probably got.
now stop clipping that hardy old laurel.
"
"do you know what i found in this book?
at the end of a sentence, come look!
it's ancistroid, this rune ?
on the page it is strewn.
it's a question mark, shaped like a hook.
"
"ethiopian sauce, berbere,
comes with quite a big kick, so they say.
thirteen spices and seeds ?
these are all that one needs
to make most jaded tongues shout, ""oy vey!""
"
"mentioned ernie while eating dessert,
""i just noticed these rather overt
small arbuscules that grow
from our heads. did you know
that means 'tufts of hair', ol' buddy bert?""
"
"pyromaniac gatherers strove
to complete their inflammable trove.
they were one device shy?
it's fed wood from up high:
the unusual base burner stove.
"
"you would think that with all of this rain
we'd be flooded again ? what a pain!
but it all flows away
under gravity's sway.
thank the heavens for basinal drain.
"
"though it's helpful, bacteriostat
isn't able to make germs go splat!
so the best it can do
to protect me and you
is to keep them at bay, and that's that.
"
"while a traveller climbed a steep path, he
was engrossed in the comic strip cathy.
better far for this trip
than some old comic strip
was a map orographical, bathy-.
"
"a brandophilist smoked a cheroot,
then, smacking his head, exclaimed, ""shoot!
an extremely rare band
was right there in my hand.
now its ashen remains make that moot.""
"
"the poor bellhop hauled bags up twelve flights
'cause the lift hadn't worked for ten nights,
but the guest was a pip,
for she gave him no tip....
soon the cops came and read him his rights.
"
"when a scrofulous neck swells too much,
you can seek out the king for his touch.
if you're not a fanatic,
try an antistrumatic,
or an aspirin might do in the clutch.
"
"when the honeybee team won the game,
there were claims about cheating?for shame!
this they roundly denied:
""there's no crime on our side,
so how dare you befoul our name?""
"
"in medieval times, many great halls
boasted calyon (or ""flint rubble"") walls?
make some mortar from lime,
mix in pebbles in time
to pour into molds, else it falls.
"
"when the musical guest babuina
came on stage with her gold concertina,
the patrons all yelled;
next, their breaths they all held
as she fought a ferocious hyena.
"
"there's these plants on the roots of my beeches,
draining life like some vegetal leeches;
they're called beech drops. how dumb ?
are there gumdrops on gum?
how 'bout peach schnapps that grow on my peaches?
"
"a bright cadmium yellow pale paint
will allow you to show no restraint
in the lemons you draw,
that young goldfinch you saw,
or the halo above a great saint.
"
"take opopanax, galbanum, pitch ?
stir in resin and oil so rich.
don't need an appointment
for basilicon ointment:
treats your cut and your burn and your itch.
"
"amianthoid describes crystal forms
like asbestos (as found in old dorms) ?
silky fibers that flex,
not the chunks or the specks
that some people might think of as norms.
"
"tasty baysalt is made from the sea
that is dried to the highest degree.
when sri gandhi said, ""try it,""
it caused a near riot,
for it went against royal decree.
"
"in the pest-ridden swamps south of quito,
thusly spoke the hard-bitten bandito:
""i am not anti-nation.
that's a base misquotation.
what i said was, 'i'm antimosquito.'""
"
"""i'm afraid that you're really a pig, mick,
with cacophonous noise borborygmic!""
""i really can't see
what you're driving at, bea.""
""that's because you are also astigmic.""
"
"i am sure that i cannot be faulted
if i like to see spans barrel-vaulted.
they are dolioform,
which is far from the norm,
but to my eyes, they're simply exalted.
"
"what's an anthracolithic deposit?
well, you've gotten it right on the schnozz: it
means graphite (how droll!)
or some anthracite coal,
which you shouldn't keep stored in your closet.
"
"what is bitterweed? something that mocks us.
ambrosia? perhaps hymenoxys?
a helenium plant
or conyza? oh, can't
we just simply agree its taste shocks us?
"
"digging down to the bedrock below,
i discovered a place i can go
and lay down for a while
on my bedroll in style
(it's my rock and roll bed, doncha know?).
"
"said the general, robert e. lee,
""how i wish i had bright repartee.
o, a limerick i'd quote,
or that frenchy 'bon mote' ?
but i don't,"" he said banteringly.
"
"in new mexico, not long ago,
you'd've  heard a strange argot, cal?.
?guilas, bolillos,
or, madre de dios,
a cholo might steal all your dough.
"
"if braised kidney is all that you eat,
that is way too much iron-filled meat.
take an antisideric
or else call on a cleric,
for you soon will be dead in the street.
"
"what's a cool anamorpha surprise?
it's their number of legs, i surmise.
pairs at start?  they have seven,
but, merciful heaven!
more than double that somehow arise!
"
"when we travelled to watch our team play,
we unfurled a huge banner: ""hooray!
let's all cheer for our team!
beat those guys to whipped cream!""
but our bannerette merely said, ""yay.""
"
"the achenial sunflower seed
is a wonderful product, indeed.
what we think is the shell
is a fruit just as well,
but it's dry and it's thin-walled, agreed?
"
"when a stock has a steep rise or fall,
it might afterwards falter or stall.
this time of slow pacing
is known as a basing,
so hold both your put and your call.
"
"the sea's backset can sure set you back.
it's an eddy that packs quite a smack,
for it flows back to front.
it's a huge current shunt.
it means  ""setback"", too?  man, that's just wack!
"
"a bailiffship's really the pits.
i must stand while the judge only sits?
if i lived in great britain,
while his honour was sittin',
i'd arrest folks and execute writs.
"
"an agrobiologic report
insures that the soil's the sort
that supports lots of crops
with a yield that is tops,
without blights that we'd just have to thwart.
"
"for beginning rhymes come, take a peek.
gor blimey, you'll find what you seek!
more are found on this line.
score one more (ain't this fine?),
or perhaps i should finish this streak.
"
"those geese over there look quite dry.
i suppose i'll go over and try
to immerse or bedraggle
the moistureless gaggle.
that's right: i'm the goose-dousing guy.
"
"as i said to a speaker of romani,
""tom middleton coined words uncommon.  he
flung insults so rude
like 'o, base mullipood!'
he'd call you, i expect, babliaminy.""
"
"ah puch, mayan god of the dead,
is portrayed with an owlish head.
he is corpselike, wears bells,
and is lord of the hells.
you hear screeching? you're finished, it's said.
"
"f. lee bailey, a lawyer of note,
on crossing mark fuhrman said, quote:
""so you'd never attack
some guy just 'cause he's black?
here's your n-word on tape!"" with a gloat.
"
"a banana, removed from its peel,
will be seen to resemble an eel.
this anguilliform shape
must be loved by an ape,
for he eats it so fast, it's unreal!
"
"in the sixties, in parts of this nation,
being branded antisegregation
could have led to a rope
'round your neck;  i sure hope
we are rid of our past denigration.
"
"aquaporins, the wells of a cell,
swill the water through cell walls real swell.
so without them, cells thirst ?
or what's worse, swell and burst.
will all cell wells swill swell? well, i'll tell.
"
"if you're giving the poor alms (or awmous),
you're doing a good deed enormous.
for no matter how old,
or how sick, or how cold,
the karma returns soon to warm us.
"
"when a contract has grown very stale,
thirty days going by with no mail,
then the deal becomes dead?
of the stock it is said,
""it's the seller's; it's now an aged fail.""
"
"artist christo decided to crate
san francisco's immense golden gate.
""expert packers,"" he thought,
""would be helpful.""  he sought
california box elders ? just great!
"
"the agulhas, a current unique,
forms in water off east mozambique.
it is swift, sometimes loops;
when that happens, it scoops
up warm water which westward doth strique.
"
"a rhinoceros often will smash
and bash its way, dashingly brash,
in so forthright a manner,
through trees and savannah:
a group is quite clearly a crash.
"
"the thing i like best about cats
is they quietly rid us of rats,
though a group of them's louder?
it's known as a clowder
(not a cloud... er, i guess that's for gnats).
"
"they are scrunching and munching my leaves?
a bad habit that naturally peeves.
these caterpillars, looping,
are chomping and pooping:
an overfed army of thieves.
"
"buxtehude drew bach many miles,
with music to bring more than smiles.
the great man of l?beck,
like jazz's dave brubeck,
played stuff that ba-roques and beguiles.
"
"once a celiac cannibal ate
some fine sausages made from his mate.
soon his stomach made groans,
caused by bread, not by bones,
which his late mate ate straight from the plate.
"
"tussilago farfara's gold flowers
appear before leaves in green bowers
of spring? and don't scoff,
as this plant helps a cough?
little coltsfoot has strong herbal powers.
"
"on his gamba, sir fflorian bows:
this bass viol, as everyone knows
was constructed by meares,
but now it brings tears
to the consort, as vile noise grows.
"
"found a rat in my compost today,
munching vegetable scraps? hey, no way!
got my cat on the case?
gave it grief: what a chase!
now the weeds and the rat will decay.
"
"a chocolate fireguard? you're joking!
it's useless, you'll find, as you're poking
hot logs off the floor,
and (i'll tell you, what's more)
with a rice paper brolly, you're soaking.
"
"that young fellow, a fine engineer,
makes machines that appear to be queer;
yet those pistons and sprockets
put gold in his pockets
to spend on loose women and beer.
"
"if some bedbugs invaded your space,
then your cleaning was sure a disgrace.
in the night they will creep,
and they'll bite, when you sleep,
exposed flesh, like your hands, neck, and face.
"
"the most noble of hounds is the beagle,
with his tri-colored coat, oh, so regal.
but obedience school?!
no, he follows this rule:
""whatsoever's not punished is legal.""
"
"bioharmonics is bunk.
its inventors were peddlers of junk
priced a thousand a pop.
the feds said they must stop.
guess their energy fields kinda stunk?
"
"when a bearing is bearing a weight,
then its bearing may not be quite straight.
in straits dire we're daring,
'cause i think that we're bearing
straightaway towards the great bering strait.
"
"an alkalophile doesn't die
when it swims in a pool of weak lye.
""thanks a lot!"" says this germ,
""this is great for my perm.
now my cilia sparkle.  good-bye!""
"
"no frills airlines i called in advance
to save seats for my journey to france.
they said, ""bookable? no!
hang your phone up and go
to laguardia; come, take a chance!""
"
"last week, i found work as a barback,
hauling beer and supplies from so far back
in the storeroom that day
that i heard the valet
say, ""i'm so never giving this car back.""
"
"a poor flagellate critter had nasty
organelle deformation. time passed. he
found eye docs at last
for his blepharoplast.
they said, ""no, we do blepharoplasty.""
"
"an embarrassing bed-wetting case
can evaporate, leaving no trace.
enuresis might seem
like it's just a bad dream,
but for children it's quite a disgrace.
"
"if you want to engage in an aini,
stop sitting around on your heinie!
you'll labor for me;
i'll repay you, you'll see.
(that's unless you get kvetchy and whiny.)
"
"bdellovibrios live life as leeches
in other bacteria. each is
an unwelcome guest;
they're a pest-within-pest
that you might chance upon at the beaches.
"
"in a chatroom, bbiab
means you'll just have to sit tight and see ?
will they really ""be back
in a bit"" (with a snack)
or, in fact, are they watching tv?
"
"what the heck is a bfoq?
it lets bishops be forthright with you:
one who seeks to be priest
must be catholic, at least;
it's no job for a girl who's a jew.
"
"when apartheid was law of the land,
some blacks formed an underground band.
this group subterranean
coined a new word, azanian,
for the peoplehood that they had planned.
"
"the ayasofya in turkey
has a history certainly quirky.
it jumped in a lurch
from a church to a church
to a mosque ? in a way, belief jerky.
"
"in a myelin sheath, i espied
glycolipids (that's ""carb-fat"", implied).
""since they're found in the brain,""
i strove to explain,
""i propose the name cerebroside.""
"
"if you're gonna continue to put
inside of your mouth your right foot,
your rank bromhidrosis
will breed halitosis;
that's one more smell i'd do without.  zut!
"
"the aecidiospores form a chain
inside of a rust fungus' main
manufacturing part,
the aecial heart,
and two nuclei there they retain.
"
"if your last architecture design
made 'em think, ""hey, that fool's drunk on wine!""
here's a fine prophylaxis:
just imagine an axis;
plan with symmetry, based on that line.
"
"if you're tired of cheese on a cracker, a
terrific new taste for a snack or a
lunch is this dish:
take some beans (maybe fish),
fry them crisp (in a ball), you've got akara.
"
"my sister who's older (my aapa)
likes to tickle me, so i shout ""papa!
make her quit, cease, desist!
please make her!  insist!
ah, papa!  stop aapa, pop, stop 'er!""
"
"""please stop jabbing yer thumb in my face
and just keep yer damn feet in their place!
where ya putting that toe, sis?""
""without acrognosis,
i've no sense where my parts are in space.""
"
"of madonna, the pop star, it's said,
""she's a cabalist.""  don't be misled;
cabalism's much more
than an item she wore ?
a royt bendel, a string that is red.
"
"south of danube, and kupa, and sava,
and formed of primordial lava,
lies the balkan expanse.
the brits took a big chance
on black sea's other side, balaklava.
"
"to act callously, show no regard
for the feelings of those you have scarred.
from ""a thick'ning of skin"",
only now it's within ?
it's describing your heart that is hard.
"
"a bandophilist bought a rare scarf
that belonged to the late h. j. scharff.
but he spied it one day,
to his utter dismay,
tied 'round fido, who merely said ""arf!""
"
"a calvarial drawing will show
the place your zuchetto should go,
and a yarmulke, too.
(that's for catholic or jew.
what's an atheist wear?  i don't know.)
"
"your acoustic (hello?  hello?) tolerance
seems greatest when i have to holler rants
about clogging the drain,
yet you suffer great pain
when i whisper, ""please lend me a dollar, rance.""
"
"for hitchin' a ride on the 'pike
or for ringin' the bell on a trike,
a bird's alular thumb
won't help you, my chum.
i'm afraid that you'll just have to hike.
"
"if you can't feel how much objects weigh,
it might cause you some anguished dismay.
it's not a psychosis,
it's called baragnosis:
barognosis's loss (o, not a).
"
"the cks airport, taiwan,
(short for chiang kai-shek, leader, now gone)
changed its name in '06?
makes it hard for the hicks:
""taxi, take me to taiwan taoyuan.""
"
"why, sure we've command and control.
communication's our sought-after goal.
if we don't have all three
(per the brass, ccc),
then our tanks might get stuck in a hole.
"
"each south african novelist tries
to take home this year's cna prize.
they garner much credit?
that is, if they get it.
if they don't, the beloved country cries.
"
"when e-mailing friends in taipei,
i need boatloads of characters, say
ninety thousand at least
to write folks in the east.
thank the heavens they have cjk.
"
"from byblos came spatulas, plates
with intriguing linguistical traits.
byblic babble defies
all decipherment tries:
to hieratic, it maybe relates?
"
"said the captain, ""i think there's a sick tie
'tween this half-eaten foot and this licked eye.
arrest this guy dahmer
and once we get calmer,
see what's left of the corpus delicti.""
"
"the security fence of our nation
lies in bioattack preparation.
if we have a staph meeting,
will our men take a beating
or defend against bacterization?
"
"i'm releasing this book in the wild,
because bookcrossing has me beguiled.
what's the bxing hook?
if you're done with a book,
go and share it with some unknown child.
"
"down rodeo drive, beverly hills,
came opera star beverly sills.
why should this come as news?
she's paid all her dues,
now she's paying off (cleverly) bills.
"
"the equivalent (barrels per day
of burned oil) is shortened this way ?
the bpd-equivalent;
all of this drivel lent
knowledge? ""i think not,"" you'd say.
"
"despite your well-meaning intention,
this court finds your gross contravention
of code 198
of the laws of this state
means you forfeit all rights to your pension.
"
"while in london (last summer's vacation),
i went to victoria station.
there i dug a depression
as a form of expression?
was it holey?  no, just concavation.
"
"vainly prodding a germ on a slide,
the cytologist said, ""come on, glide!
i suspect what it lacks is
some strong chemotaxis
to move towards the food on that side.""
"
"in chaucer's time, one who was scratching
was said to be busily craching?
""i kenth not what thou hath,""
saith the goodwyf of bath,
""but i certaignely hope 'tis not catching.""
"
"the ham operator said ""cq.
is there anyone there?  come on, speak, you!
i'm so bloody upset?
everyone's on the 'net;
and the geeks who now seek you just pique you.""
"
"""a tv repair's overdue!
there's not one fifty-yard line, but two!""
""hon, there's no need to yell.
that there's called cfl.
now just shut up and drink labatt blue.""
"
"the amount of the drug for your asthma
has climbed to a peak in your plasma.
this high (called cmax)
means you now can relax
and breathe deep of this noxious miasma.
"
"here's a masterful cinnamene trick
(but be careful, i've seen a man sick):
make long chains of this stuff
till it gets rather tough;
mold a jar for your cinnamon stick.
"
"genomic-style hybridization?
the comparative way's a sensation.
cgh on the scene
means a duplicate gene
can be found via light observation.
"
"go and work up a cbc, quick!
dengue fever has made her quite sick.
count of red and white cells
and hematocrit tells
that her blood concentration's too thick.
"
"at a beer blast, among all the schmoozers,
were some guys drinking whiskey ? what losers!
so i said, ""chug some beer!
or you're out on your rear;
for at keggers, there cannot be boozers.""
"
"with amazingly great gifts i'll ply you:
first to normandy, france i will fly you.
next, a new orleans creek
i will mail you next week.
yes, that's bayou bayeux i will buy you.
"
"antisegregation means rights,
so that blacks attend classes with whites.
brown v. board's now accepted.
the supreme court rejected
those old plessy v. ferguson cites.
"
"dancer kay di'n't see what use there'd be
in cadency ? ""count 1, 2, 3.""
is our kay dense?  oh, no!
just her cadence is slow,
so she two-steps to waltzes, you see.
"
"to figure avoided cost, see
what the loss we'd incur ought to be
if the project at hand
doesn't go off as planned.
are we better off doing it? oui!
"
"being broke gets you down, if you let it.
go ahead, seek a letter of credit.
as account party, you
will be no longer be blue.
(that's assuming, of course, that you get it.)
"
"i spotted my oldest friend abe. he
was gardening, and so i called, ""maybe
you don't like benzoin?""
""it's crabgrass i'm hoein'.
it's about all the benjamins, baby.""
"
"an adult ajolote has gills
but still enjoys sexual thrills.
""you are so immature,""
says his mate, ""that's for sure.
don't go play with your friends, pay some bills!""
"
"before i ingest antischiz-
ophrenia drugs, my brain sits
in a jar on the floor.
but i worry no more;
now my skull's where it comfortably fits.
"
"when refining a cuprous ore, mister,
one step's a black mass with a blister;
but no worries, for sure,
what we've got's almost pure.
blister copper's here, soon it will glister.
"
"a monk, looking terribly stoic,
doused himself with a mix decatoic.
he then lit a flame,
gaining posthumous fame:
diem's fall made this act seem heroic.
"
"though these programs all seemed to compile,
they've been trying to run a long while.
i've a pretty strong hunch
they lack numbers to crunch ?
all i see is a blank data file.
"
"what was making the mad hatter madder?
an obstruction inside of his bladder.
""perform a cystotomy
and take out what's not o' me!"" ...
the doctors removed a large adder.
"
"i hate to sound wholly derisive,
but in matters of pain, you're submissive.
you've been hit by a car?
that will leave quite a scar.
that just means that your wound's cicatrisive.
"
"by a gem store in constantinople,
stands the owner in hopes that some dope'll
bring some cash along (cash!),
for his cacholong stash?
that's a milky or grayish white opal.
"
"noise reduction is rather complex.
consider the brand dbx:
the sound, not so nice
on another device,
even properly done sounds like sex!
"
"chemisorptive denotes some neat tricks:
dissolved fluid, sequestered, just sticks
to the outermost layer
of a chemical player,
forming covalent bonds in the mix.
"
"""i'm a scientist.""  ""really?  what sort?
do you bubble things in a retort?
find new quarks or black holes,
ancient fossils of moles?""
""...computer.  i made this report.""
"
"culver's physic: perennial herb;
for consumptions, it's simply superb.
thus wrote cotton mather.
who's culver? i gather
this matter di'n't mather disturb.
"
"when zeus and his siblings rebelled
'gainst the titans, the thunder god yelled,
""you'll never get by us,
so don't try, uncle crius.
in hades' abyss you'll be held.""
"
"with no base station, cellular phones
would be useless, like ice-creamless cones.
it's a diligent slave,
trading signal and wave,
so the world can be touched by your tones.
"
"england's bedlington terrier breed
might be just the right dog for your need:
wedge-shaped skull, harelike feet,
tasseled ears really neat,
and surpassing its brethren in speed.
"
"an algivorous minnow did munch
spirogyra ? it packed quite a punch!
but, oh my, what a scene
when his burps came out green!
rhodophyta is now his sole lunch.
"
"if, when farming, you just have a baule
of a nutrient,  crop growth will stall
at one-half.  you might guess
you need two (more or less);
the yield boosts to three-quarters, that's all.
"
"the blue cohosh, like cohosh called ""black"",
has medicinal use from way back.
used in easing a birth,
it's an herb of great worth,
and not only prescribed by a quack.
"
"if you want to own land, antichresis
is a mortgage, thus better than leases.
but to settle your debt
no fixed interest is set:
you just pay up in cantaloupe pieces.
"
"antifebriles can help quite a lot
when a fever is what you have got.
they bring temperature down:
they're the toast of the town.
they're so cool when you feel not so hot.
"
"for nine decades did sarah aspire
to have children, her heart's one desire.
when she barrenly went
to go weep in her tent,
she conceived, and from then was no crier.
"
"baruch was the son of neriah,
and a scribe for the famed jeremiah.
two apocryphal books
are claimed works of baruch's.
is it true?  we must ask the messiah.
"
"an androphagous hullabaloo
about comic and harlequin stew:
an annoying buffoon
said while dipping his spoon,
""does this dinner taste funny to you?""
"
"saw a shrink and he wrote, ""chief cx:
patient thinks he sees trolls, tends to fx.
my complete dx:
affective psychx.
for tx, use heavy restrx.""
"
"the messenger rna ""sees""
the dna's bases in threes,
and becomes now a copy
(if it isn't too sloppy)
of the coding strand (us replace ts).
"
"black heroin, also called frown,
black tar, muck, or  nut job: a brown
or black sticky mass.
want to have some?  i'll pass?
that is one road i'll never go down.
"
"the daphne's a plant that can kill.
think eating it might be a thrill?
don't do it! you'll rue it!
the daphnin all through it
will make you incredibly ill.
"
"many people (e.g. japanese)
had cwp nominees.
the ""communist workers""?
that's no party, they're shirkers!
so tell me another one, please.
"
"""sacr? bleu,"" exclaimed jean louis agassiz,
""what pe-kyoo-li-ar fish in zis bog i see?
with scales comb-like (how freudian),
i pro-klam them ctenoidean.
what a wonderful ichthyic log-a-cy!""
"
"oh, prithee, sir, do not bemock
as thou wouldst a face marred with a pock.
thou in truth art a soss, per
thy ""live long and prosper.""
do not scoff at the fact i grok spock.
"
"the title looked cool ? it's a war!
but the painting was dull ? what a snore.
lots of ships, but one flame,
all in all, pretty lame.
was black paint going cheap at the store?
"
"said auteur federico fellini,
""cyrenaica's not very teeny,
being one-third, at least,
of all libya (east),
and named for the stronghold, cyrene.""
"
"you would think this some grand disputation,
but it's just picayune argutation.
you are both splitting hairs;
i mean, really, who cares
who was who in naboo's delegation?
"
"""i'm in need of more ferns,"" said the florist.
""to the bwindi impenetrable forest!""
conservationists paled.
""you'll be surely assailed!
the gorillas won't like it,"" they chorused.
"
"what's a beemaster know about? drones.
and a bellmaster? carillon tones.
a brewmaster? ales.
and a bandmaster? scales.
you've bemastered those subjects! (she groans.)
"
"""when i'm sitting in church next to you,
what's that bench that we're on?  have a clue?""
""this may come as a wrench,
but it's called a church bench,
although most people call it a pew.""
"
"""reading arabic's hard,"" dexter howled.
""my diction is constantly fouled.
how do syrians  know
when to say i or o?
it's an abjad and thus disemvoweled.""
"
"when you wonder ""who murdered that guy?""
give the following method a try:
dust for prints, check for blood;
scope the slugs, hair, and mud?
congrats! you're a great csi.
"
"i don't care what miss poppins has said
about treating a cold in the head!
with a cupful of sugar,
it would still taste like booger.
i think i'd be better off dead!
"
"i climbed a high peak known for craggedness,
but then slipped down the rocks (feel their jaggedness?).
when i crawled back to camp,
my friends jeered, ""beat it, tramp!""
(they mistook me because of my raggedness.)
"
"antilogical means, to my shock,
rationale that's gone off at half cock.
i thought it the sister
(i see now i've dissed her)
of sarek, the father of spock.
"
"if you're tired of hunting a whale,
off australia, try fishing for cale.
with its parrot-like beak,
it eats kelp every week,
rain or shine, fall or spring, without fail.
"
"i hate to seem rather particular,
but engaging in necking vehicular
in the driver's ed. car
is exceedingly far
from practices deemed cocurricular.
"
"from berkeley, a gift, bsd.
you can change it, or just let it be.
we like unix so much,
we say, ""look and do touch!""
and we'll give you a license for free.
"
"take some eggs.  cook 'em hard in the shell.
add some mayo to yolks, spice like hell.
scoop 'em back in the whites?
deviled eggs are delights.
(they are called eggs mimosa as well.)
"
"see what john paul the second had done:
to beatify someone's more fun.
the requirement due
was some miracles ? two!
as of now, they can do it with one.
"
"what's in beef?  well, a tapeworm might irk us,
if we swallow its young, cysticercus
(in cows, bovis).  this cyst
holds the scolex ? resist
eating raw.  it will lurk and then jerk us!
"
"dc comics, for all of their worth,
are ofttimes the subjects of mirth:
""how few heroes will do
for replacing bulbs? two?
one for holding, one turning the earth!""
"
"when swapping some data you're swiping,
make sure that you're stripping (while striping)
those headings. (not heeding
while loading is leading
to groping in jail and much griping.)
"
"i will tell you a smashing good yarn ?
in a battle, ch?lons (that's -sur-marne),
great attila the hun,
in four-fifty-plus-one,
was repelled by the goths (and rome).  darn!
"
"current density's measured this way:
in amperes per square meter (j).
when the j value's stable
in each slice of a cable,
no electrons are going astray.
"
"the curassow genus of crax?
they're dimorphic, which means the male lacks
something found in the hen,
or vice versa, so when
they're around, you'll know who wears the slacks.
"
"is a deacon so shady and sly
(fudging land or the fruit that you buy,
killing calves at their birth)?
is that all he is worth?
we have little regard for that guy!
"
"not a thing on the face of the earth
should allow a mere detail of birth
to determine your pay.
you're a woman?  okay,
but your work is of comparable worth.
"
"if church officers do their jobs well,
then the church is kept running real swell:
they fill coffers and pews,
and put out the church news.
but if not, then things all go to hell.
"
"""orthopedics?"" i cried. ""are you mental!?
is your stethoscope merely a rental?
my back's straight as a stick...""
""calm down a bit, slick.
the ones that i mean are just dental.""
"
"if, on holiday,  guernsey's where you go
(as of late, it's an island where few go),
you might hear on the beach
bits of dg?rn?siais speech,
a patois that enthralled victor hugo.
"
"a distributed database needs
a management system so reads
by a user out there
will be promptly aware
of the writes which some other guy feeds.
"
"if you're pregnant, decidua vera
envelops your kid like bagheera,
all except for his head
and the place where he's fed
(i'm sorry i can't make it clearer).
"
"""i know you assigned us, 'read spenser',
but, really, that guy makes no sense, sir.
for instance, what's dernly?""
he answered back sternly,
""'full of grief'?could you be any denser?""
"
"were eugene mccarthy, al franken,
and walter h. mondale all rankin'
among democrat swells?
nope, they're called dfls
(and for that, hubert humphrey they're thankin').
"
"to the chief:  sir, we cannot attack,
for it's proton disruptors we lack.
this weapon deficiency
threatens the mission, see?
cut the flack, give them back. ? men in black
"
"touring india? see rajasthani
abodes?rent a hut in gangani.
as it's been in times past,
you will find just one caste
in these hamlets the natives call dhani.
"
"in ?x??, the language of clicks,
the phonemes can cause a few tics.
while hawaiian, it's seen,
gets along with 13,
to get ?x??, just add 96!
"
"a behavioral scientist, matt,
in a skinner box once placed a rat,
two pigeons, a mouse,
and his manx from the house.
one day later, what's left?  one fat cat.
"
"most often, parental unease'll
disappear like a hen-stealing weasel.
but my parents take sides
when it comes to their rides?
mom's electric, while pop goes for diesel.
"
"dearest mom, thanks a lot for the cheese,
but my knife won't slice through it with ease.
if you love me,  you'll please wire
thirteen bucks for a cheese wire?
cuts through cheddars as fast as the bries.
"
"poor brachiopods, how i pity 'em.
what they've got for a face isn't pretty...um...
instead, in that place:
a triangular space
made of some kind of plates ? a deltidium.
"
"the mahmoud ahmadinejad diet:
you can lose 40 pounds ? go on, try it!
firstly, take to the street,
then have nothing to eat
while in jail due to causing a riot.
"
"mr. waters? a call's on the line,
with a gender i just can't define:
someone born long ago
to an actor you know ?
it's chianti, the fruit of divine.
"
"in a file, a record contains
many data;  each item explains
a lone factoid of note,
such as ""source of this quote"".
(""call it datum,"" the linguist campaigns.)
"
"wrote a book, but don't know what comes next?
get a book agent, send her your text.
if she knows how to schmooze,
buys the publishers booze,
then your writing career won't be hexed.
"
"in our great-great-great-grandmothers' day
big pharma did not yet hold sway.
so pudenda ancestral
didn't have dienestrol,
and vulvas just withered away.
"
"said the church's conservative minister:
""god declares all these people are sinister?
one who speaks with the dead,
you must chop off his head;
burn the witch, and then hang the divinistre.""
"
"disseveration: a hacking to bits;
or  a leaving, just calling it quits.
that's the way they talked then?
why use longish words when
separation has meaning that fits?
"
"your barn owl's bitten your right toe?
i'll take cell samples, work up a cyto-
pathologic review.
(but it's best he bit you;
there's no bite of old tyto on my toe!)
"
"she's bought a new dress.  she's ecstatic.
but her husband's not quite diplomatic.
""does this make me look fat?""
""well, i wouldn't say that?
 when compared to a mammal aquatic.""
"
"a thoroughly filthy young fellow
dashed away from the bagnio unmellow.
said the man in his wrath,
""i just wanted a bath!
how was i to know 'twas a bordello?""
"
"dephosphorization's a chore,
but a boob with a tube made me roar:
""why the catheter, fred?""
""what?  it's just like you said?
i'm removing the p from the ore.""
"
"all you readers expecting depravity
from a limerick defining a cavity:
you're so darn dirty-minded
you're totally blinded
to matters of great dental gravity.
"
"the chalcidian lizard (with four
vestigial legs) is no more.
oh no, not extinct?
it's rather been ""skinked"",
just a few of about 60 score.
"
"pascal's mortal foe, a great rascal,
declared, ""my life's pinnacle task'll
be to kill you (a crime),
in two passovers' time.""
cried blaise in amazement, ""dipaschal?""
"
"the fruit of the plant creeping snowberry's
very soapy, so strive to forgo berries.
symphoricarpos (that's mollis)
is a speedy gonzales
when a fire drives a need to regrow berries.
"
"leave your sawdust in nitro to soak,
and resist the temptation to poke.
avoid storing fuel in
the same place as dualin,
lest a spark blow us all into smoke.
"
"regal baudekin, so i've been told,
is a fabric of silk and of gold.
its embroidery work
makes it great for the kirk,
or for covering up when you're cold.
"
"dipeptidyl peptidase-4
inhibitors?  give me some more!
they increase my incretin
so the sweets that i'm eatin'
won't make me fall down on the floor.
"
"from denmark, i travel by air
to the white house (i stay the night there).
full of apathy, next
i reply to the text
""what's your flight plan?"" with ""dkdc"".
"
"acrologically speaking, i'm ""mike
indescribably charlatan hike
antiquarian earth
lilliputian"" by birth.
you can just call me ""mike"", if you like.
"
"according to my information,
a bizarre chromosomal mutation
causes genes to be split.
(if jeans split when you sit,
you should try less sedate recreation.)
"
"crusta lactea (milk crust, milk scall) ?
caused by nursing?  oh, no, not at all.
it is just seborrhea.
this knowledge should free ya
from worry 'bout cradle cap's pall.
"
"while visiting azerbaijan,
i choked on a tiny pecan.
soon the bqxk
came to rescue the day;
they heimliched me so i'd live on.
"
"when the room that you're in is so dim
that you can't tell a her from a him,
get a new abatjour,
and you'll always be sure
the right person will yield to your whim.
"
"whereas diminutely's been erased,
by diminutively now replaced,
one may ask, ""why support
the word not as short?
it's a heterological waste!""
"
"desophisticate: strive to be seen
as a person unknowing and green;
seem childlike, naive;
and make people believe
you're no worldly-wise rogue of thirteen.
"
"i imagine a very large downside
over nicking this bundle of pounds.  hide
the sack, ya great loon,
for i fear bloody soon
we'll be catching a cop from the crown side.
"
"dialysance?what does it mean?
the amount of your blood that we clean
in some time (say, a minute)
of the junk that was in it,
while you're hooked to  a kidney machine.
"
"in the western u.s. grows a pine,
ponderosa or bull.  to make trine,
add the name western yellow
for this ponderous fellow ?
a three-needled-fascicle line.
"
"have more mu shu, my darling, 'fore bed.
i just need to make sure you're well-fed ?
else the cumulative poison
i've put in your hoisin
won't build till the point that you're dead.
"
"defense mechanisms are great
for avoiding the work that you hate.
don't like going to school?
says your brain, ""hey, that's cool?
it's not healthy to wake up at eight.""
"
"though this equity promises cash
paid in intervals, don't be too rash;
for debenture stocks get
paid off last (they're not debt)
if the company happens to crash.
"
"in australia, a lunch that is hot,
on winter days, hits the right spot.
but in summer, i'm told,
you'll want something that's cold,
so a cut lunch is just what i've got.
"
"bank acceptance: a bank's iou
for your debt, so you'd better come through.
'cause you use the bank's name,
and they get the blame
if they somehow default when it's due.
"
"i'd avoided conventions for fear
of the nutjobs, like this guy right here?
said this wizened old pensioner,
""i'm a stolid conventioner,
don't you dare use the term conventioneer.""
"
"in israel,  i went on a trip. i
came across some large ruins in a strip.  i
exclaimed with a groan
(at the foot of hermon),
""mah asah, caesarea philippi?""
"
"let's smash antiprotons in streams
against protons in similar beams.
this dzero experiment
brings more than just merriment,
but data to sift through in reams.
"
"for a school project, sasha obama
presented a neat diorama:
malia and bo
(secret service in tow),
the prez and michelle (that's her momma).
"
"said soviet chemist derjaguin,
""hey, landau, come, lend me your noggin.
charged colloid suspensions
ought to last due to tensions ?
the dlvo theory i'm floggin'.""
"
"the bvumba, the ""mountains of mist"",
on the mozambique border, consist
of granitic terrain
with a dolerite vein:
essentially, that's the whole list.
"
"in frozen siberia, bjarmland
was no mere hyperborean farmland.
since its merchants were rich,
the norse had an itch
to steal their god's gold and to harm land.
"
"barcelona's a chair (now you know)
made by famed ludwig mies van der rohe.
leather cushions and steel,
it has great eye appeal
and in '29, quite stole the show.
"
"""of what use is an ore that's bauxitic?""
berthier answered back to a critic,
""to make pots, and make pans
and aluminum cans
and replacements for hip joints arthritic!""
"
"such a wonderful people, basotho.
if you like, i will give you a photo.
their sesotho patois
echoes loudly, n'est-ce pas?
in south african places, in toto.
"
"a basilar membrane, you see,
gives support for this organ, the key
that allows us to hear
as it sits in our ear;
but they named it for corti, not me.
"
"belousov-zhabotinsky reactions
are compellingly striking distractions.
the swirling bz
reaction's set free
in an unstable mixing of fractions.
"
"does the noise of  a log-spin annoy?
as a lumberjack, though, i take joy.
this life that i choose
engages few jews
so there's two birls for every goy.
"
"""what's this odd-looking word here, bthoom?""
i asked in an irc room.
""beats the heck out of me,""
someone answered with glee.
it means nothing at all, i presume.
"
"craving pasta that's long, like linguini,
but with holes, like the round annelini,
at a bistro i chose
some delectable hose?
heaps of tubular-shaped bucatini.
"
"""here's another odd word ? what's bthom?""
i inquired, trying hard to stay calm.
once again, the decree,
""beats the heck outta me,""
was returned.  i was losing aplomb.
"
"consider prez hopeful john kerry, who
announced while campaigning, ""we'll bury you!""
he refused to recant
his khrushchevian rant....
oh, limerick?  i thought you said clerihew.
"
"congregationalist churches all choose
to be guided by membership views,
so they often will vote
on agenda of note,
such as who gets to sit in their pews.
"
"british nationals (from overseas)
are from hong kong, but bnos, please ?
the stance from beijing
is you're only one thing:
like your ancestors, solely chinese.
"
"best known methods for doing things rock,
such as choosing just when to sell stock.
what's the best way to write
""best known method""?  the trite
bkm ?  was that really a shock?
"
"the men of the 15th bgd
stood around as they drank lemond.
but they all hit the dirt
when some jerk on alert
mistakenly called out, ""grend!""
"
"i bet mickey's pup, pluto, sees stars
when the snakeweed this poor canine mars.
while this plant hounds the earth,
it has minimal worth.
dog's mercury's worse than cigars.
"
"walt disney did something quite tricky:
a cartoon-mixed-with-live-action quickie.
after alice,  the habit
was oswald the rabbit,
then walt slipped the public a mickey.
"
"said ben franklin, with typical candor,
about being a traitorous bander,
""no matter the weather,
we must hang together,
or separately do so, commander.""
"
"dugongidae once ruled the seas;
herbivorous mammals are these.
now the dugong's unique. how?
men killed steller's sea cow,
but their cousins can give man a tease.
"
"these centers control all diseases?
oh, dear, i'm afraid this displeases ?
cdc, you're the cause
of bronchitis and yaws,
influenza, pertussis and sneezes!
"
"antipascha's the week after easter.
when it comes to low sunday, the priest...errr...
the prester, i mean,
in the church still is seen.
he just can't stay at home on his keister.
"
"what's dx encoding? they're  stripes
that distinguish between different types
of exposures and speed
on that film we don't need
any more ? flush it all down the pipes!
"
"a deficiency, bmcc,
means that leucine just isn't for me.
the toxins would build,
and i soon would be killed,
so i'm forced to live life protein-free.
"
"said a band of  thieves up to no good,
""make us forty of these, if you would.""
this surprised ali baba.
""you each want a djellabah,
a long robe with full sleeves and a hood?""
"
"a d-sub's a kind of connector
with pins in a d-shaped protector.
so try all day long,
you can't plug it in wrong.
in effect, it's a moron rejector.
"
"barracouta (the fish known as snoek)
is the subject of gobbledygook.
it is not barracuda
(a fish from bermuda),
but pronounced quite the same by a fluke.
"
"for the dipteran (""two-winger"") fly,
using halteres is what they must try,
for without them around
they'd just stay on the ground;
with these balancers, two wings soar high.
"
"in the  acinose pancreas gland,
the small acini form a large band
that envelops the islet
of langerhans, while it
makes insulin, when you demand.
"
"a dna footprinting trick
to see where in the strand proteins stick:
first snip it to pieces,
then use gel phoresis.
a sizeable gap's what you pick.
"
"when them hippies up thar on their farm
tol' me ""earth nut pee"" cain't do no harm,
i purt' near had thrombosis.
but l. tuberosus
(or earthnut pea) shouldn't alarm.
"
"by the ole mississip' and ohio,
a single white flower ? oh my, oh!
""t. nivale,"" writes william,
""dwarf white (or snow) trillium,
that's the whole dwarf white wakerobin  bio.""
"
"dvalinn gave dwarves runes when bored,
and with durin he crafted a sword,
then made freyja a necklace.
(odin's mistress was reckless,
for with each of the four dwarves she scored.)
"
"while convolvulus bindweeds are true,
false ones still should be given their due.
calystegia hearts
have ovarian parts
that have only one chamber, not two.
"
"have you heard of the sand lance, my pretties
(of the genus of fish, ammodytes,
that includes sand eels, too)?
to protect them, it's true
that the un should form some committees.
"
"antisemites are people who choose
to blame all the world's ills on the jews:
""they're stingy.  they're clannish.
we wish they would vanish.
our guy hitler had all the right views.""
"
"said a  lobster, ""yours truly's a pimp,
and that other crustacean's a wimp,
for he hasn't an eyestalk.""
(we all know how guys talk.)
poor edriophthalmous brine shrimp.
"
"i feel that that wigmaker fellow
had his fill for the fall falls of yellow.
they fell by the way
for the fool's feeling fey.
""fall falls fail, files full!"" he doth bellow.
"
"got a call from the board of directors?
then your muscles and glands called effectors
will start to react
(like secrete or contract)
as nerve stimuli hit their detectors.
"
"though these moccasins really appeal,
don't you slip one on over your heel.
shoo these rainbow snakes, sweet;
they can grow to four feet
eating solely an eel for each meal.
"
"when you're venturing boldly to read a
new indian language, you need a
fresh mindset ? each sign
lets its consonant twine
with a vowel.  that's called abugida.
"
"if a mom-to-be finds there's no room
for a fetus to grow in her womb,
select ectogenesis.
can't be done;  when it is
feasible, babies will boom.
"
"the ebionites  gladly would cry a
""hail jesus, our king and messiah!
but divine son of god?
paul the heretic's odd.
would he have us burn torahs in fire?""
"
"for the making of paper, the dandy roll
fulfills an impressive and handy role?
its aluminum mesh
imprints watermarks fresh
on the wrappers of smarties' new candy roll.
"
"uncle miltie said, ""true, i enjoy
dressing up like a woman. but, oy,
what i'm certain of, kid ?
i'm a mighty proud yid.
i'm glad i'm a berle, not a goy.""
"
"antispeculative taxes are wrought
so that real estate holdings are bought
for the owners to dwell in,
not merely for sellin'
when a quickly turned profit is sought.
"
"although millions are following me,
off the record i'll certainly be.
since i can't take the heat,
to my jaw-dropping tweet
i've appended ""dqmot"".
"
"for an editor, book-trimming's hard;
writers think their words gems from the bard.
for example, take this tome:
i find that it's dystome
(tough to cut, like the mineral sard).
"
"what's pin four? data terminal ready:
when the voltage goes up and holds steady
(or ""assert dtr""),
we'll field calls from afar
without turning the stream to confetti.
"
"a drillstock's, as near's i can tell,
not a share held of royal dutch shell.
it holds onto the shank
of the shaft that they crank
when they're drilling far down for a well.
"
"all hailed india, asia's crown jewel,
under emperor bharata's rule.
his flag was unfurled
in all parts of the world,
but his reign wasn't brutal or cruel.
"
"some boys to elisha thus called:
""hey, mister, you're baldy-bald-bald!""
his lack? crinitory.
the result (innit hoary?):
by some she-bears the children were mauled.
"
"bathsheba's poor dad, ammiel,
of his son-in-law said, ""ain't that swell?
uriah's no creep,
but he's now in a heap
while the king takes my daughter to hell.""
"
"what's aohitogusa? the mass
of humanity (green-human-grass).
as this shinto term shows,
our fecundity grows,
so our blessings increase as a class.
"
"said the blasphemer, son of shlomit,
""why should god get cold showbread to eat?
since it's weeklong intact,
it is surely a fact
there is no god!""  his end wasn't sweet.
"
"define, measure, analyze.  then,
improve and control how and when.
don't use methods archaic.
instead, go dmaic.
six sigma's achieved!  say ""amen!""
"
"in the soviet days, we would watch a
widely televised communist ""gotcha""?
where a disfavored member
would retire (in december?!)
to his summer home, known as a dacha.
"
"roving gangs out in myanmar rob
from some arrogant over-dressed snob.
in a voice hoity-toity
he calls out, ""dacoity!""
wouldn't thievery do the same job?
"
"the dash-and-dot goatfish makes men
who know their morse code utter, ""when
it's swimming this way,
of course, that's an a;
when it turns 'round again, that's an n.""
"
"marsupial mice have security,
hoping family ties give them surety
native cats won't attack.
what is holding them back?
why, they're all part of great dasyuridae.
"
"to find if babe's genes are a mess,
doing amniocentesis, i guess,
is the best choice; yet, still i
prefer chorionic villi-
type sampling.  perform cvs!
"
"a giant is coming towards you;
there's really not much you can do.
as his hand reaches out,
you're unable to shout
when your dad smiles and says, ""cootchy coo!""
"
"my prices, i promise, are cut-rate.
the cost seems exorbitant, but, wait!
it isn't a racket?
right here in my jacket,
i've only high-quality smut, mate.
"
"rasputin, that long-bearded mystic,
was murdered by nobles sadistic.
they killed him five times
so he'd pay for the crimes
he committed towards rulers czaristic.
"
"if saying ""a cycle per second""
takes too long (as i've certainly reckoned),
one can say ""cps"",
but it's better, i guess,
to instead say ""one hertz"" when one's beckoned.
"
"when you seek hypothetical creatures,
you can bet on some regular features:
your camera-shy cryptid
will pass by, unscripted,
while you're off making love 'neath the bleachers.
"
"i'm tied to my mom's apron strings.
i can't even play on the swings.
i can't cross the street,
and i must eat whole wheat.
man oh man, how i wish i had wings!
"
"i agree with you, fella ? and how!
i'll be truly emphatic ? and now
i'll jump up and rap,
my hands i will clap,
and i'll toss my cap skyward ? and bow.
"
"an addlebrained actor named dirk
was much the buffoon at his work
so he toiled as a waiter,
hoping sooner or later
he wouldn't appear such a jerk.
"
"my quilt has a fine appliqu?,
sewn in place on a bright autumn day.
in colors like flame,
it spells out my name:
meg beagle!  i just want to bay!
"
"i confess i'm a cinch to amuse.
i laugh and i clap.  i enthuse!
but use moderation
to avoid agitation.
i'm not very hard to confuse.
"
"at my first and my final arraignment,
the judge ruled for penal containment.
i'm now here in jail,
not wagging my tail.
i don't find this cell entertainment.
"
"i don't want to call the police.
i'm sure this was just a caprice.
you dogs snatched 20 biscuits
and two thawing briskets ?
and stole seven lambchops apiece.
"
"i accomplish a lot every day.
there are biscuits for breakfast (hooray!),
then what treats i can beg,
like a piece of mom's egg.
if i don't get my way, i just bay.
"
"i think that i'm under arrest.
it's because i'm an imp and a pest.
when folks try to eat,
i bellow and bleat.
now the cops want to make me their guest.
"
"i want to amend this short rhyme,
which isn't, they tell me, sublime.
but i've places to go,
and i've people to know.
revise it? i haven't the time.
"
"i have an appendage, i learned.
it's something i just now discerned.
mom says it's a ""tail.""
no way it's for sale.
its owner might want it returned.
"
"i confess to a strange peccadillo?
i sleep with a pet armadillo.
he looks slightly scruffy,
he's not even fluffy,
but he eats all the ants on my pillow.
"
"count dracula's looked at with dread.
he's often described as ""undead.""
this archfiend's immortal.
he'll storm any portal.
just ask anybody he's bled.
"
"i don't dare to say this aloud,
and not over here in a crowd ?
but lim'ricks are fun,
and i've only begun
(though i'm still just a tiny bit cowed).
"
"commas are simple & curly,
quote marks are tiny & girly;
but though it's just ""and,""
use a strong ampersand
& dare to be pushy & surly.
"
"we should all try to love one another.
those were the words of my mother.
but as of today,
we're still a long way
from regarding each man as a brother.
"
"the arthurian legend has knights,
a magic sword, rivals, and fights.
but my flag's unfurlin'
for marvelous merlin.
can you picture him, bearded, in tights?
"
"much ado about nothing, will wrote.
an ""ado"" is a fuss, so i note.
but ""tempest"" is, too,
a word for ""ado.""
will wrote re that, too.  shall i quote?
"
"i once had a case of amnesia.
where was i?  i think micronesia.
i don't really remember
if 'twas may or november,
but i cured it with milk of magnesia.
"
"i have humans who like me aplenty.
i think i've got far more than twenty:
my parents, my cousins ?
they number in dozens,
and all of them deemed cognoscenti.
"
"i'm eating my dinner: i slurp.
i'm done with my dinner: i burp.
my appetite's great.
nothing's left on my plate.
since you still have food: i usurp!
"
"i speak in a language arcane.
i've managed to learn to refrain
from words comprehensible
and thoughts somewhat sensible
lest others decide that i'm sane.
"
"an aerie's a nest for an eagle,
built as high as the zoning deems legal.
from there every day
he watches for prey.
let us hope that he won't grab a beagle!
"
"an arachnid now lives in my john.
i don't want to make her move on.
her ways when she's spinning
are charming and winning ?
she's weaving her spider salon.
"
"an arc is a part of a curve.
it thus can be seen to subserve.
curves lacking an arc
would be missing the mark,
held together with duct tape and nerve.
"
"ambrosia!  oh, don't let us quibble.
the thought of it just makes me dribble.
it's food for the gods
(and the gods give their nods).
i'd like to have some with my kibble.
"
"i'm a victim of boundless ambition.
i'm reaching the point of contrition.
should i be head of state
with a suitable mate?
my desires could use some attrition.
"
"this rhyme is by way of affirming
that my vet has completed my worming.
no hookworm for me,
and of tapeworm i'm free.
it's good to have had reconfirming.
"
"i reject your surreal allegation
and find it a sad aberration.
it's simply delusional,
your saucers illusional,
a symptom of alienation.
"
"i've never been badly abused.
my trespasses all were excused.
i'm always well treated
and never defeated.
all my life i have happily snoozed.
"
"i'd accommodate you in a flash,
and i wouldn't require much cash.
whatever you need,
i'm ripe for the deed,
so whom do you want me to bash?
"
"my cousin admits to defeat.
she tried to bake bread from whole wheat.
it was heavy as lead,
so she took to her bed.
at least she has matzohs to eat.
"
"his body was rather convex.
he had problems procuring good sex.
his consid'rable girth
made him subject to mirth ?
his friends called him ""adipose rex.""
"
"there once was a man found quite dead,
with just seven teeth in his head.
they were quite widely spaced,
very artfully placed ?
well, that's what the coroner said.
"
"an amateur spendthrift from philly
spent money on things that were silly.
he thought he'd turn pro,
but the dues were too low,
and professional spendthrifts too chilly.
"
"a musical man from afar
excelled at acoustic guitar.
he felt speakers a sin
that produced only din,
and amps he thought simply bizarre.
"
"absolved of all criminal charges,
my view of the future enlarges.
i won't be in jail,
my fate to bewail.
the court system also discharges.
"
"i live in a tiny apartment.
my bedroom is just a compartment.
i need a small lawyer
(who'd fit in my foyer)
to complain to the housing department.
"
"i love to go off on a ramble.
through woods and o'er streams do i amble.
if a rabbit i smell
i'm a bat out of hell.
see the tip of my tail as i gambol.
"
"the acrobat flies through the air
to land on a wire-borne chair.
then he grabs a trapeze,
feigning absolute ease.
if you're sitting below, please beware.
"
"who wrote this astounding new work?
in what glorious dell did he lurk?
the meter, the rhyme ?
how divinely sublime!
no, he can't be the grocery clerk!
"
"i spotted the almond-eyed girl,
a young asian beauty, a pearl.
i let her go by
with a glance and a sigh,
her skirt tossed by wind, in a swirl.
"
"the annals of 2004
show a startup that's hard to ignore ?
it defines english words
via lim'ricks in herds
while fostering esprit de corps.
"
"in college i studied agronomy.
i'd hoped to improve our economy.
soils and crops i have known,
and through what i have grown
i've discovered the joys of gastronomy.
"
"they say that i'm clumsy ? all thumbs.
woe is me if that day ever comes!
instead i have toes,
lined up in neat rows.
i use them to calculate sums.
"
"i was running afoul of the law,
stealing beef ribs on which i could gnaw.
they caught me red-handed,
and now i am branded
with a t (short for ""thief"") on each paw.
"
"i'm an argus-eyed, vigilant ranger.
i'm always out looking for danger.
i carry a piece
in a holster of fleece,
and to justice i'm hardly a stranger.
"
"from his coffin does dracula climb.
he's arisen ? it's blood-sucking time.
metamorphosis done
till return of the sun,
he's a bat about town in his prime.
"
"my gut is a mass of adhesions.
i'm sure that i don't know the reasons.
i think my last surgeon
had the skill of a sturgeon,
and i have to live with the lesions.
"
"the recruiter was fulsome and smarmy,
but i nonetheless joined this man's army.
with my first bayonet
i was filled with regret,
and i think they'd be wise to disarm me.
"
"to my monitor i remain glued
as limericks come and are cued.
as verses mount up
i cannot count up
the limericks that i've accrued.
"
"my album holds each written stanza,
a bountiful lim'rick bonanza,
but one is still missing
(i won't have you hissing) ?
my tribute to star tony danza.
"
"through life one should certainly strive
to be vital and truly alive.
vitamins help
and perhaps eating kelp.
good habits will help you survive.
"
"in a cozy, warm alcove i knit.
it's my hole-in-the-wall, poorly lit.
i drop many a stitch,
yet my goal's to enrich
my dear husband, whom this thing may fit.
"
"my sweetheart was pious and charming,
though at times she could be quite alarming.
she'd hack off upper limbs
while singing sweet hymns,
thus we all found her rather disarming.
"
"i snuffle, i sneeze, and i snort.
i drip, and i wheeze.  i contort.
do you need a reason?
it's allergy season!
and that is my nasal report.
"
"i sleep in a cold, dirty alley.
i eat in a homeless men's galley.
but here between walls,
each eve as night falls,
i can dream of how green was my valley.
"
"i'm not one of you limerick chums,
and the thought of an alias numbs.
but it's perfectly legal
to type for my beagle
since she lacks opposable thumbs.
"
"my paramour's always adoring.
she'll lie at my feet like the flooring.
she's so near perfection,
i've no thoughts of rejection ?
if only she'd cut out the whoring.
"
"i thought i could never afford
to tithe for the good of the lord,
so i gave up belief
with a sigh of relief
and now sin on my own sweet accord.
"
"we have reached a delicious accord.
i can keep all i've managed to hoard.
when it comes to divorce
i don't ever endorse
generosity one can't afford.
"
"i absently twiddled my hair.
my mind was most clearly not there.
i was barely awake,
and i looked like a flake,
bored out of my gourd in my chair.
"
"all lim'ricks abolished?  no way!
what else would we do here each day?
no verses to write
or read with delight ?
a playground with nothing to play!
"
"hell's bells!  oh, phooey!  oh, curses!
who's absconded with all of my verses?
it cannot be legal
to steal from meg beagle,
and it certainly, truly adverse is.
"
"aladdin was surely depraved.
i was plucked from my lamp and enslaved.
the despotic young thug
sought to fly on a rug.
you'd think he'd be better behaved.
"
"let me acknowledge my aim.
i'm not here to earn wealth or fame.
i'm here to amuse,
and that's not a ruse.
if i fail you, you've got me to blame.
"
"i'm considered an over-achiever.
i'm also dubbed ""one true believer.""
i get so much praise
that i'm left in a daze.
they must think i'm a golden retriever.
"
"i find that i'm often abstaining,
which means that by choice i'm refraining.
if i choose not to vote
what that does is denote
that all candidates i am disdaining.
"
"i'm truly a longtime admirer
of historian william l. shirer.
the reich rose and fell
as the facts he did tell,
in prose to which i'm an aspirer.
"
"i am, as they say, all agasp.
i ruined my maidenform's clasp.
now going cold turkey,
just one side is perky.
the other is out of my grasp.
"
"time to yawn and then open your eyes!
time to leap out of bed, to arise!
you must earnestly strive
to look sharp and alive
lest the new york times note your demise.
"
"the archbishop was pious and holy.
he was also, it seems, roly-poly.
he waddled a bit,
and it's sad to admit
that he garnered less awe than the lowly.
"
"i've worked very hard to belong.
i've thought about that ? it's not wrong.
if i keep writing verse,
and it doesn't get worse,
you'll assimilate me before long.
"
"during most of the day, i'm asleep,
but at night i refuse to count sheep.
i keep humans awake
till their heads start to ache,
and they yell at me, ""meggie, go [bleep].""
"
"the fourth-brightest star is arcturus,
far enough from the earth to inure us
to the thought that there's life
somewhere there to cause strife ?
or as grandma would say, ""to cause tsuris.""
"
"i'm trapped in this air lock, old pal.
the bay doors are locked.  no morale!
it's so very odd
to be barred from the pod.
please open the doors, will you, hal?
"
"the spanish do wonders with rice.
they're experts at choosing a spice.
my heart starts to quicken
at saffron and chicken ?
arroz con such pollo is nice.
"
"she affectingly bade him farewell.
she was left with some tales she'd ne'er tell.
it was poignant and sad
as she turned from the lad ?
and told him to go straight to hell.
"
"since airfares get higher and higher,
i'm unlikely to get my desire.
first class passage denied,
with the baggage i ride.
i'll never be called ""frequent flyer.""
"
"i'm sure that your rhymes i'm affecting
when your limericks i am inspecting.
mine tend to be stilted,
perhaps a bit wilted,
but yours i am ably correcting.
"
"i've always been thought altruistic,
intelligent, kind, and artistic.
i'm a lover of man.
i help where i can.
do you think a nobel's optimistic?
"
"my study of asian aikido
has greatly increased my libido.
girls admire my skill,
but they think i can kill.
i'd better move on to bushido.
"
"an alloy of copper and tin
is bronze, an amalgam akin
to gold in its shine,
though it's not from a mine ?
it's enriched by the copper within.
"
"say, what could be herein amiss?
i offered to give you a kiss.
princely form you decline?
well, you're no love of mine.
a frog i will gladly dismiss.
"
"my mom has an armload of sheets.
i wish that instead she held treats.
clean bedding is swell,
but it lacks that sweet smell
of a doggie dish filled with fine meats.
"
"absently walking, i stumbled,
then into the sidewalk i mumbled,
""it's a terrible shame
that my lame claim to fame
is the number of times that i've tumbled.""
"
"dr. livingston, do i presume?
or is that far too much to assume?
henry stanley's the name,
finding you is my game ?
so i'm glad i don't have to exhume.
"
"i have an assortment of toys
that each subsequent puppy destroys.
my duck that could quack
now only says ""ack,""
and my girl doll has hair like the boys.
"
"do let me your feelings assuage.
you will earn a good living wage.
you'll work hard all your life
for your kids and your wife,
then starve when you get to old age.
"
"aspic is just fancy jell-o,
so eat it, now be a good fellow.
i admit it's not sweet
(it's concocted from meat),
but that's really no reason to bellow.
"
"i wanted this rhyme to appear
very clever and full of good cheer ?
but it's rainy today,
the skies are quite grey,
and the world and my verse look quite drear.
"
"an archive is storage for stuff
of which collectors have seldom enough.
mine's full of old bones,
some very old scones,
and a bunch of dust bunnies and fluff.
"
"the people who live in albania
are often enthralled by a mania:
they wish that their land
could be covered with sand,
or else part of remote oceania.
"
"i'm pleasingly plump and still single.
with the opposite sex, i can mingle.
if i think of a mate
then i contemplate fate,
with my cute, chubby body atingle.
"
"i want to sing praise to athena
with a tune on my old concertina,
but my neighbors object
so my plans are quite wrecked
since they've threatened to get a subpoena.
"
"i'm ambiguous, so say you all.
i come, or i don't, when you call.
to ""quiet!"" i bark
or i make no remark.
if you tell me to sit i may sprawl.
"
"i think that i never shall see
a limerick nice as a tree.
if one comes my way,
it will mark arbor day,
noted only by fools such as me.
"
"i won't ever accede to your wishes.
i want you to sleep with the fishes.
you want change for the worse
in my most perfect verse?
i'm afraid that i'd rather do dishes.
"
"i'm simply an old academic
whose words often cause a polemic.
i've tried many times
to avoid this in rhymes,
but i fear that the trait is systemic.
"
"my beauty is ageless, i'm regal;
my glance is like that of an eagle;
age cannot wither
nor custom stale either
the infinite charms of a beagle.
"
"my chair sports an antimacassar.
i learned about these while at vassar.
though now out of style,
they once earned a smile
from the likes of gamal abdel nasser.
"
"turn apprentice ? it's one way to learn,
and while you are learning you earn.
but don't be a chump
and work for d. trump ?
mickey mouse got a better return.
"
"he wants us to come and assemble,
stand awestruck before him and tremble,
but this alien being,
all-knowing and -seeing?
it's a penguin he tends to resemble!
"
"call me ahab; let ishmael turn pale
that i'm the one telling his tale.
but the captain (that's me)
is in charge, you'll agree?
and 'twas i who obsessed on the whale.
"
"the apple-cheeked boy with a grin
had bright eyes and a sweet dimpled chin,
with a rounded pink face
norman rockwell would place
in a painting of mark twain's ""huck finn.""
"
"at school i went out for athletics.
my parents preferred cybernetics,
so i studied kinetics
to please those ascetics?
but i question our common genetics.
"
"i think we're all anglophones here,
but with varying skill, 'twould appear ?
some better, some worse,
some speak it in verse.
for the best, it becomes their career.
"
"water, in spanish, is agua.
where, you ask?  why, in managua.
but who 'mongst you crowed,
""agua's also a toad!""?
(one just clambered aboard your piragua.)
"
"i live on a cold asteroid
reading skinner, vygotsky, and freud.
i circle in space
in this fragmented place?
psychologically speaking, a void.
"
"i'm an aphis ? i eat all your crops.
i devour your green carrot tops,
and the fruit from your trees
i will happily seize.
you don't like it?  well, just call the cops.
"
"i sat through my aunt's epicedium.
she was aged; the service was tedium.
she'd been my mom's sister,
but i knew if i missed her
i could find a professional medium.
"
"so noble of bearing and regal
is the famous american eagle.
this national treasure
brings pride beyond measure?
so says an american beagle.
"
"anuran?  it's only a frog,
with long legs and no tail, in its bog.
if you kiss it, you'll wince;
it won't change to a prince.
it'll just hop away in the fog.
"
"i have antilock brakes on my car.
if i skid, i won't skid very far.
i'll be able to stop
without hitting a cop
right in front of the very next bar.
"
"i am a beagle-at-large.
when my nose detects chow, in i barge.
i'll never stop begging
(for food i keep egging),
and isn't the beagle-in-charge?
"
"with armagnac brandy from france,
a snifter might hasten romance.
its aroma is yummy;
it warms up your tummy?
there's love in the offing, perchance.
"
"the stillness was just absolute.
how quiet it was! we were mute?
till my kid brother slurped
on his chowder and burped,
and then finished the job with a poot.
"
"the addressograph's now obsolete.
we have digitized labels (how neat!)
that come from a printer
in summer and winter;
old technology cannot compete.
"
"the akita who howled in the night
was a beacon for justice and right,
but the glove didn't fit
so they had to acquit,
and the dog was reduced to a cite.
"
"each morning i do my ablutions
with various cleaning solutions.
i wash and i scrub
and i cleanse and i rub?
it's one of this year's resolutions.
"
"on fine days i love to go rambling,
which is praiseworthy (unlike, say, gambling).
i track in tall grass
and find bunnies to sass.
i'm happiest when i'm off ambling.
"
"don't eat amanitas ? you'll quiver.
you'll fall to your knees, and you'll shiver.
poison mushrooms, that's why,
and you'll probably die.
if you don't, then you'll need a new liver.
"
"an amazing old codger from dallas
decided to live in a palace.
he courted six queens,
from old crones to young teens.
now viagra's his new digitalis.
"
"an amorous waiter from rome
had no patience to wait in his home.
he wanted love now,
he didn't care how ?
he'd even make love to a gnome.
"
"an agreeable lady from venice
(no one thought that she might be a menace)
proved a whiz on the court
where she'd ably cavort,
becoming a menace at tennis.
"
"my collar is aquamarine.
that's a color, a nice bluish-green ?
unless (is this true?)
it's a nice greenish-blue.
well, whatever, it has a nice sheen.
"
"i think apples are better in strudels.
i want them now, oodles and oodles.
they smell so good baking
don't waste your time making
dull treats without dough for your poodles.
"
"the object of my true affections
just loves me to bring her confections,
but i never can find her
so i need to remind her
she's a sweetheart, but bad at directions.
"
"i wanted to set things aright.
i tried to with all of my might.
i worked at it long,
but things are still wrong.
i guess i'm just not very bright.
"
"some lawyers like ambulance chasing.
right after a crash, they go racing
for injured folks who
might be pressured to sue,
while these lawyers remain self-fee-facing.
"
"alumni of ivy league schools
are not often thought of as fools,
but reading the dailies
makes me doubt about yalies,
who may have their own set of rules.
"
"in agar i'm culturing bugs
that i'll feed to some most willing slugs
who will quickly profess
the gelatinous mess
is useless for making new drugs.
"
"i'm accused of a horrible crime?
in a lim'rick i thought was sublime,
my fanciful meter
would suddenly teeter,
and my first and last lines didn't rhyme.
"
"afternoons are the best time of day.
i eat, then i rest, then i play.
i sit out on the chaise
and i happily gaze
at all that is passing my way.
"
"athos and aramis glare
while porthos is heard to declare
that they're all musketeers?
but, to quell all your fears,
annette funicello's not there.
"
"amadeus made famous a giggle
so infectious it caused me to wriggle.
when laughed by tom hulce,
it made me convulse,
then roll on my back and just wiggle.
"
"an airheaded bimbo named phoebe
fell madly in love with a soebe.
when she found he was false,
phoebe shared a last waltz,
then shot him to death with a boebe.
"
"aida, as verdi composed,
was abducted to egypt, deposed.
she became a mere slave,
but died noble and brave?
she and radames, in a tomb closed.
"
"""atomic piles?"" asked the prof.  ""what are these?""
one student arose, at his ease.
""i think,"" he said lightly,
""if i have it rightly?
new forms of an age-old disease.""
"
"an apache of warlike appearance
thought my terror was mere interference
so he shot his sharp arrow
right into my marrow,
accounting for my incoherence.
"
"on the west coast, some wine comes from asti,
which in my estimation is nasty.
california's is best
if you head further west.
the difference is hugely contrasty.
"
"adrift in a very small boat
and thankful that i could still float,
i yearned for more space
so i'd not have to face
three hamsters, a cow, and a goat.
"
"at sexual practice adept,
lenore was a woman soon kept.
she lived in a condo
on a beach called redondo.
when her skills weren't needed, she slept.
"
"oh, i love your applause and your roar.
leave your wreaths and bouquets at my door.
adulation is glorious,
and i am victorious!
all this is for rhymes?  please clap more!
"
"i'm a creature as fine as can be.
do not cast your aspersions on me.
your sticks and your stones
may well shatter my bones,
but your words wouldn't frighten a flea.
"
"i love to drop by the aquarium,
then visit the old planetarium,
to see fishes and stars,
to see dolphins and mars?
too bad there's no beagle terrarium!
"
"i have an appointment with fate.
i thought i was ready to mate.
alas, i am spayed!
no pups, i'm afraid ?
but perhaps i can still get a date.
"
"anthropology studies mankind
(and womankind, too, you will find) ?
how all of us live,
what knowledge we give,
and the clues that we all leave behind.
"
"i've an entryway two stories high
with an atrium lit by the sky.
it's there i raise orchids
and bring up my four kids.
that courtyard's my place till i die.
"
"anatomically speaking, you're bony.
you're jug-eared, you're also hormoney.
from your toes to your chin,
you're all covered in skin.
in summation, you're full of baloney.
"
"here's an anagram (not my devising),
and it doesn't need any revising.
do you find it odd
that ""dog"" becomes ""god""?
well, i find it quite unsurprising.
"
"apart from my talent for rhyme,
i know how to wag double-time.
but what i love best,
besides anapest,
is rolling around in the grime.
"
"i'm small, so i tend to appease
those dogs where i'm tall as their knees.
my tail always wags,
i don't trot out my brags,
and i've got the good sense not to tease.
"
"you needn't go sound the alert.
my actions are hardly covert.
you need no alarm.
i mean you no harm.
i only came here for dessert.
"
"an airedale is just a big terrier.
as dogs go, most others are merrier.
he's no ball of fluff
(his coat is quite rough)
and his howl is a dog's kathleen ferrier.
"
"my roommate plays sax, alto sax.
his saxophone drowns out my fax.
he plays all afternoon,
but can't eke out a tune ?
i think it's just talent he lacks.
"
"""to amplify"" means ""to make louder.""
that's not all that it means, thus i'm prouder
to tell you so plain
that it means ""to explain.""
tomorrow it may mean ""clam chowder.""
"
"my pistol is loaded with ammo.
i could blow you away ? simply whammo!
so doctor, take care,
and be fully aware
that my least favorite -gram is the mammo-.
"
"my wife is a young amerasian.
she adheres to the buddhist persuasion.
her dad is from thailand,
her mom from rhode island.
we speak the same tongue on occasion.
"
"i witnessed the loud acclamation
that followed a bristling oration.
'twas a strident attack
by an old party hack.
the whole thing was a dumb affectation.
"
"i'm upset by the sight of an aura
'round the head of my maiden aunt laura?
not the halo itself,
but its small built-in shelf
on which angels are dancing a hora.
"
"in no way can i be more emphatic?
i don't want to sleep in the attic!
up there there are rats,
perhaps even bats,
and the dust there will make me asthmatic.
"
"i'm really right here in the groove
for chris to say, ""yes, i approve!
this limerick's swell
so it might just as well
to that final list now make its move.""
"
"let's consider the facts, arguendo.
these charges are just innuendo.
this poor detainee
should surely go free.
(i'm reaching a fervent crescendo.)
"
"there once was a land lost in myth.
i lived there with kindred and kith.
'twas long, long ago,
when apples, you know,
first were named for my dear granny smith.
"
"my astral lamp's powered by oil
that never quite comes to a boil.
no shadow's in sight
in its circle of light.
i need a fifth line.  where's chris doyle?
"
"on the autobahn speeding toward bonn,
my volkswagen carries me on.
i go faster and faster,
foreseeing disaster!
but then i wake up, and it's gone.
"
"i'd never run off, go astray.
i'll stay in my own yard and play.
i don't want to go missing
(my mom needs her kissing)
so i'll stay close to home, and i'll bay!
"
"as acorns grow up into oaks,
as wee mates grow up into blokes,
our output evolves,
bad meter resolves?
but some rhymes still wind up bad jokes.
"
"a lim'rick i find myself adding
when i'm far from that crowd yclept ""madding.""
there's time to immerse
myself in new verse,
with plenty of meat?and less padding.
"
"yes, autonomy's good if you're grown,
independent and out on your own.
to stand tall on your feet
so the world you can meet
means that far from the coop you have flown.
"
"i'm a student of avian life.
with nine parrots my cottage is rife.
but at times when they screech
i'm devoid of all speech,
and i dash off in search of a knife.
"
"i am filled with profound apprehension.
it's a thing i perhaps shouldn't mention.
i opted for beans
when my host offered greens,
and i'll now pay the price of distension.
"
"i'm atemporal?outside of time.
i meander the decades to rhyme.
if my verses elude you
i can only conclude you
are tied to meridian prime.
"
"my cuteness is certainly ample.
i wish i could give you a sample.
with a shoebutton nose
and adorable toes,
i'm of puppy a stellar example.
"
"an abacost's worn in zaire.
it covers not toe and not ear.
a collarless shirt
and loose pants (not a skirt)?
a man's suit (and hot weather gear).
"
"my hair just hangs loosely, adangle.
it's more than just likely to tangle.
i brush and i comb,
i use lotions and foam?
but it's something i'd happily mangle.
"
"it's not cold in alaska, not storming.
it's to world climate patterns conforming.
the permafrost's melting,
and temps are sunbelting,
as we all watch our doom?global warming.
"
"i live in an almshouse these days.
that's a poorhouse, so don't waste your praise.
though i don't have a nickel
to buy me a pickle,
i'm daily served prayer and buffets.
"
"the oceans are rising, i hear.
the atolls will soon disappear.
these low-lying islands,
so lacking in highlands,
will soon be submerged, so i fear.
"
"an acquisitive woman named carrie
thought wealth would accrue should she marry.
she's reached number 4.
what happened before?
she killed off her tom, dick, and harry.
"
"say, is arborize ready to please?
it means simply ""to branch out like trees.""
i don't think i've abused it?
i'd ne'er heard it nor used it;
it's a strange word that one seldom sees.
"
"i don't use an alias much
'cause i'm not very often in dutch,
but i've nicknames galore
because people adore
small dogs who are soft to the touch.
"
"i'm the author of numerous rhymes,
and i ponder them numerous times.
does my anapest sing?
do my puns laughter bring?
or are verses my numerous crimes?
"
"most dogs can be rather annoying?
quite noisy, obtrusive, and cloying.
but my temperament's mild
(i'm mom's angel child),
although shoes i'm still fond of destroying.
"
"some beagles excel at agility.
they run, leap, and climb with ability.
through weave poles they dart.
should i take that to heart?
'twould only impair my gentility.
"
"look out at that weird apparition.
it drifts o'er the lawn sans cognition.
its clothing's in tatters
and, not that it matters,
it can't have enjoyed good nutrition.
"
"please let me extend my apology
for disputing your steadfast theology.
to my level molecular,
i'm thoroughly secular.
my belief is in geochronology.
"
"if i were to wax analytical
on matters considered political,
my rhymes, always neat,
would become obsolete,
though they'd never cease being quite critical.
"
"i must ask my analyst why
i write silly verse till i'm dry.
years ago my ambition
was the new york competition,
but the best i could get was a tie.
"
"what a strange little bug is this weevil.
in his short life, there's never upheaval.
on alfalfa he grazes.
in sunshine he lazes.
he's a pest, but he's not really evil.
"
"arboretums are surely to please.
they're gardens devoted to trees.
you'll be glad that you stayed
in a sun-dappled glade ?
unless you're allergic and sneeze.
"
"a most useful word is append.
it means ""to add on at the end.""
when e-mailing friends,
as each message ends,
i append my dot-sig, then click ""send.""
"
"if i foolishly rose from my desk
and attempted a quick arabesque,
i would be a disgrace,
falling flat on my face,
every single maneuver grotesque.
"
"lost in a haze of oration,
i indulged in some wild contemplation.
would i still be in court,
still discussing this tort,
if i'd chosen, instead, arbitration?
"
"boy beagles i'd likely attract
if my internal self were intact.
do you know the word spay?
it's heinous, i say?
and i don't think i overreact.
"
"your aloofness is puzzling, my friend.
just what did i do to offend?
are you now being haughty
because i've been naughty?
we're both losing out in the end.
"
"so aces are high, deuces low.
all the face cards have value, i know.
still, when i'm playing poker
they call me the joker,
and in bridge i'm the dummy.  low blow!
"
"do you think that my costume's revealing?
most other dogs find it appealing.
i go everywhere
in my natural hair,
well-fitting and coyly concealing.
"
"we hold all of our lim'ricists dear,
those from far away, those who live near?
but with folks from down under
whose rhyme schemes don't blunder,
each day is australia day here.
"
"an aquarium's my fervent wish.
with a fish in my paws, i'd go squish!
with a tank full of guppies,
perfect playthings for puppies,
i could stay at home and catch a fish.
"
"my bright eyes look up at you pertly.
my attention is on you, alertly.
i just want to play
and eat food every day.
if not, i will lie here inertly.
"
"on advice from my personal trainer,
i've become a near-starving abstainer.
i must build six-pack abs
so i munch dribs and drabs,
but i'm ready to eat his retainer.
"
"annual means once a year?
and a plant that will soon disappear?
and a yearbook that's done
when december has run?
i hope that its meanings are clear.
"
"my bright sparkling eyes are aglimmer.
my teeth are so white that they shimmer.
my cheeks are like flame,
but here's the darn shame?
with age, all of these will grow dimmer.
"
"let's have none of your sly hocus-pocus.
in spring you don't grow autumn crocus.
flowers grow from a corm?
well, at least that's the norm?
so please try to hang on to your focus.
"
"when the royals pass, keep them unseen.
just avert your rude gaze from the queen!
you are common and coarse,
and you'll feel much remorse
if you dare by your stare to demean.
"
"i'm aries, the studliest ram!
i'm a zodiac sign?that's no sham.
but that's still far from all,
and i'm now standing tall?
""a sire"" is my anagram, ma'am.
"
"we're keeping things brief at our meeting.
the agenda is short?time is fleeting.
our chair will be mute,
and his hurry acute.
to urge speed there'll be limited seating.
"
"the jury acquitted ed miller
in the death of a rival distiller.
the man got too frisky
and drowned in his whiskey.
'twas a jurisprudential-type thriller.
"
"ancestral homes?stately and regal!
it's good to have roots rich and legal.
but to those on all fours,
a kennel was yours.
how deprived is the life of a beagle!
"
"i assassinate ? that's my vocation.
my targets might lack some elation.
my complete fascination
with my aberration
needs deep and profound contemplation.
"
"i'm really quite simple, quite artless.
i'm guileless and never thought heartless.
but if i overdo
and eat people's stew,
you'd never consider me fartless.
"
"an alleyway loomed in my path.
did it shelter a person of wrath?
its walls seemed foreboding.
i felt them eroding.
i went home and took a hot bath.
"
"i try to assist and advise.
people find me quite helpful and wise.
i offer the knowledge
i learned back in college,
the best man or dog can devise.
"
"three cheers for my old alma mater!
our most famous alum is a squatter.
the dorms are infested.
my teachers? arrested.
my classmates adorn the cops' blotter.
"
"well, i have a question to ask,
and it isn't too hard of a task.
though i post as a beagle,
and that's not illegal,
will you still love me if i unmask?
"
"anchorpeople are not what you think,
but instead they live under the drink,
clinging tight to their chains
so your good ship remains,
and it doesn't drift far off to sink.
"
"i'm a victim of auto-suggestion.
a thought came; i raised not a question.
by taking a chance,
i got lost in a trance
and succumbed to my lack of ingestion.
"
"to my allergist: ""why do i wheeze?
and why do i sniffle and sneeze?""
""a reaction,"" said he,
""to some sort of a tree
or to thingies that float on the breeze.""
"
"here is the question i'm asking ?
when i set up to go multi-tasking,
do i need to take courses
or boost my resources
to help me at ignorance-masking?
"
"do you think that i've lost my allure?
i've tried in my heart to be pure.
i don't disregard sex
though it tends to perplex,
but my sex appeal?that will endure!
"
"a born and bred ninny named ed
was fond of fast horses, it's said.
he rode with no saddle,
fell off and was addle-
pated from banging his head.
"
"apropos is a nice, useful word.
i'm surprised it's not more often heard.
it's quite a bit shorter
(in fact, by a quarter)
than appropriate, often preferred.
"
"the sun is too bright; i'm asquint.
i need glasses that have a dark tint.
if i keep my eyes closed,
i'll most surely get hosed
and wind up in a 40-pound splint.
"
"don't claim to admire my audacity
when i tell you with utmost veracity
bravado's a guise.
ain't that a surprise?
i'm a person of perfect opacity.
"
"an astonishing super event ?
i was born to a fam'ly named kent.
i turned out rather spry,
but my brother could fly,
and off leaping tall buildings he went.
"
"when i spied him soaped up in my shower,
i timidly chose just to cower.
i knew i should caulk
to keep out this auk,
but stood frozen for over an hour.
"
"light, fluffy and pale?angel cake!
i want some so badly i ache.
i'd bake some right now,
but the hens had a cow
when i asked for twelve eggs i could break.
"
"it rains quite a bit over here
so i own lots of all-weather gear.
i've got pairs of galoshes
and clothes that bear washes.
i'm lost when the weather turns clear.
"
"i recollect lives in odd pieces,
a miracle called anamnesis.
the reason is plain ?
my name's shirley maclaine.
stick that in your doctoral thesis.
"
"the pit bull's a worrisome breed
when he's taught to make other dogs bleed.
he's not like a merrier
frisky young terrier.
his trainer responded to greed.
"
"a fastidious girl, i attempt
to remain in the house if unkempt,
but what if a flood
has me covered with mud?
there i am, out in public?verklempt!
"
"i'm tossed between sweatin' and chillin'.
my doctor prescribed ampicillin.
is an ""antibiotic""
something rare and exotic?
to take it, i stand more than willin'.
"
"it's christmas, and no one's astir.
the cat is too sleepy to purr.
the kids, it would seem,
of their presents still dream?
and of lights on the tall douglas fir.
"
"amygdaloid, some people say,
lends to almonds a certain cachet.
without that precision
their shapes face derision
in a state of complete disarray.
"
"i played audiotapes in my car.
my cassette deck would take me afar?
to ceylon with bizet,
and to france?massenet,
then to russia for death of a tsar.
"
"i'll pack up a picnic, and so on.
i'll call all my friends, and we'll go on
a jaunt to have lunch
at a site picked by hunch,
with a lake that we'll all get to row on.
"
"an anthropoid ape has no tail
to get in his way on the trail.
his humanoid rear
makes him apish appear.
call him ""monkey,"" he's likely to wail.
"
"on yom kippur, the day of atonement,
i look for a dose of condone-ment.
though fasting's the rule,
this dog is no fool?
i always request a postponement.
"
"i'm said to be most acquiescent.
it's been so since i turned pubescent.
it's just not foreseeable
that one so agreeable
would ever be called ""incandescent.""
"
"send me accolades, then send me praise.
to be truthful, they brighten my days.
when folks love my puns,
i'm going great guns!
i'm so happy to thrill and amaze.
"
"i am, don't you know, an artiste,
once a guest at a grand white house feast.
baryshnikov danced,
and seabiscuit pranced,
while the national debt just increased.
"
"i aspire to higher acclaim.
my aspiration?  that you know my name.
i'm hardly a tyrant?
just a budding aspirant?
but stay out of the way of my fame.
"
"i need to be fully absolved
from verse in which i've been involved.
if i am forgiven,
then i may be driven
to rhymes that are p'raps more evolved.
"
"montresor, please heed my last call.
i can still hear you out in the hall.
no amontillado
aficionado
drinks sherry behind a brick wall!
"
"anadama bread rules our small roost.
mom thinks it's a nutrient boost.
we go off to classes
chock full of molasses?
strong scholars that mom has produced.
"
"what gives with unhousebroken apery?
your cage is quite fouled-on-the-paper-y.
more apes you'll attract
if like monkeys you act,
so why are you climbing the drapery?
"
"there once was a lad from aruba
who hankered to master the tuba,
but tourists arriving
to practice their diving
instead turned his head toward scuba.
"
"an alley cat hasn't a home.
he's unloved like some worn garden gnome.
poor thing, he's a stray,
doomed to spend every day
left all on his own just to roam.
"
"sherlock holmes took a passenger boat
along a canal where he'd float.
then doc watson, still game,
asked the waterway's name.
""aliment'ry, dear watson""?i quote.
"
"there once was a girl from nantucket
who could carry her airs in a bucket;
why ""goodbye"" when ""adieu""
could lead to the view
she should take each adieu and go suck it?
"
"i'm a trustworthy african banker.
my loot fills the hold of a tanker.
let me at your account,
and my holdings will mount?
to scam you i fervently hanker.
"
"there once was a man surnamed mitty,
who ambled all over the city.
he daydreamed each day,
wand'ring every which way.
thurber's prose made his fantasies witty.
"
"i'm a most avid reader, that's true.
i have books on all subjects, don't you?
i think reading in bed
with a light at my head
is as good as a read in the loo.
"
"yes, extinct is the aurochs?a pity!
he's not seen in the zoos of your city.
you sit in your sauna
while we lose our fauna,
so maybe we need a committee.
"
"i tried hard not to augment my girth,
which made me much the target of mirth,
but still the pounds came,
and i achieved fame
as the fattest soul this side of perth.
"
"though i cheerfully set off for work,
it's here on this website i lurk.
my alacrity's lacking;
i find myself slacking?
the duties i'm paid for i shirk.
"
"amoebae don't know about sex.
they've nary a muscle to flex.
they've only one cell
(which they think is just swell).
going fission requires no pecs.
"
"people can stroll arm in arm
and seldom cause worry or harm.
but it's walking on eggs
when you just have four legs,
and four paws are a part of your charm.
"
"my humor is said to be arch.
my backbone has plenty of starch.
i'm tough without question,
so here's a suggestion?
let's all have a meg beagle march.
"
"this is the age of aquarius.
its dawning brought benefits various.
you can ask, ""what's your sign?""
(the dog star is mine.)
after that it gets pretty nefarious.
"
"in the sixties when folk songs were creed
sang a singer yclept susan reed.
autoharp she would play
in a folksinger's way,
and her lilting soprano we'd heed.
"
"they say that i'm anal retentive.
i'd say that i've got an incentive.
i tend to be careful,
sometimes even prayerful,
my caution a darn good preventive.
"
"i'm a creature thought very elusive.
i find contact with others intrusive.
so please go away
without further delay?
your presence is base and abusive.
"
"i've anuria?no cause for glee.
what will ever become of poor me?
my underfilled bladder
gets badder and badder,
since my kidneys are not making pee.
"
"i've consumed twenty gallons of tea,
so i'm bloated, that's easy to see.
but my underfilled bladder
is no laughing matter:
anuria means i can't pee.
"
"some days are just terribly hectic.
i bark till i drive apoplectic
the lady next door,
whom i truly abhor
since her tastes are so far from eclectic.
"
"the aircraft is landing at last.
though the flight seemed too slow, it was fast.
it's simply my error
to fret about terror,
my haste to deplane unsurpassed.
"
"ageism, friends, is barbarian.
respect should be egalitarian.
you are older, not dead.
age resides in your head.
i'm considered a sexy genarian.
"
"i truly hate eggplant?a fact!?
but against me the cookbooks are stacked.
i still know what they mean
when they say aubergine.
it is eggplant!  i feel i've been smacked.
"
"andorra's the cause of my smiles.
it's one hundred and eighty square miles.
in the pyrenees high,
with france and spain nigh,
it calls to me?even beguiles.
"
"to limerick writers, all hail!
i greet you by wagging my tail.
start your limericks rhyming,
keep an eye on your timing,
and i know the oedilf will prevail.
"
"to be subject to your mean aspersions
isn't one of my fav'rite diversions.
call me names if you will,
till you've had your cheap thrill?
then it's my turn to list your perversions.
"
"i was ordered to make an appearance
to explain my prolonged incoherence.
my recent obscurity
caused homeland security
to revoke my once top secret clearance.
"
"with funds at this time downright scanty,
i won't likely up this game's ante.
if i fail to win,
i might lose my skin
to a gambler turned armed vigilante.
"
"my behavior is often audacious.
my appetite's truly voracious.
but i don't rant and swear,
and i'm friendly and fair,
so you might want to dub me as gracious.
"
"anglomania's part of my life.
things brit are abundantly rife.
the union jack flies;
i eat chips, never fries?
and i've got me a fine british wife!
"
"i anticipate, often with dread,
armageddon and being quite dead.
but it should be dramatic
to watch from the attic.
perhaps i'll be safe in my bed.
"
"i am frequently down on all fours,
though i'll gladly stand up to push doors.
with my paws on the ground,
i'm a tough little hound,
in position for opening drawers.
"
"i must get a new apparatus
to silence my old doggie flatus.
for the smell there's no quibbling?
i'll just blame a sibling?
but stealth would insure my top status.
"
"don't charge me, dear cop, with assault.
see, really, i'm much more at fault.
please charge me with battery;
that really would flatter me
since mayhem's my normal gestalt.
"
"my bride-to-be smiled at me, charmingly.
she nuzzled my cheek quite disarmingly.
when she spotted my brother,
her look at that other
sent signals to me, quite alarmingly.
"
"i once was the only dog here.
no canine would dare interfere.
is a second dog legal?
what's worse, he's a beagle!?
absolutely a plague, so i fear.
"
"alpacas are raised for their wool.
you shear till your coffers are full.
you live with disquiet
lest no sucker buy it.
the wool o'er their eyes must you pull.
"
"an aperitif starts our fine meal,
then a chilled chardonnay has appeal.
let's open a red
before going to bed.
a pinot might just be ideal.
"
"absentmindedly here i post verse,
which is bad and then gets even worse.
i know i'm no poet,
and by now you all know it.
i'm thankful that lim'ricks are terse.
"
"it's to london that you want to go.
first class all the way?yeah, i know.
here's a different approach:
it's cheaper by coach.
when you got there, you'd still have some dough.
"
"i'm amenable now to these rhymes.
i accept some i once thought were crimes.
but meter can gall me
and sometimes appall me.
it's me versus verses sometimes.
"
"i think it is perfectly apt
for a beagle to learn to adapt
to people-type rhyming
and metrical timing
to be sure that you're perfectly rapt.
"
"my hero's attila the hun.
before this man's plunder was done,
roman cities were sacked
as he scourged and attacked.
barbarians, too, can be fun.
"
"my humans have started restricting
the yapping with which i'm afflicting
those who hear only ""barks""
in my witty remarks.
they'll all soon be bored, i'm predicting.
"
"i laughed when i saw the attorney
being rushed down the hall on a gurney.
p.i. is his field,
but now he's being wheeled?
compensation will be a long journey.
"
"my sister loves fancy apparel,
though i'd be content in a barrel.
she opts for designers,
but i dress like miners
or creatures from, say, lewis carroll.
"
"i want a new pet, an amoeba.
i won't call it ""shirley"" or ""reba.""
'twill be named for a queen.
when it cannot be seen,
i'll bellow, ""come back, little sheba.""
"
"while driving along in my honda,
i spotted a young anaconda.
a handsome young rake,
he lived near a lake,
and he looked like a snake henry fonda.
"
"did you see that old movie, algiers?
the frenchman and hedy in tears?
""to the casbah please take me
and never forsake me""?
such words linger on through the years.
"
"audiologists measure your hearing
if oncoming deafness you're fearing.
as computer screens show
both the high tones and low,
you'll discover just what's disappearing.
"
"my attention span's longest for food
(and lim'ricks, if i'm in the mood).
if you want me to heel
before eating a meal,
you and i, bud, are in for a feud.
"
"some canines are trained to attack
(of empathy they have a lack),
but i'm trained to lick
and write limericks slick?
i don't even dare to talk back.
"
"an accepted and widely used trick
is to lay on the humor too thick
and to pun in your rhyme ?
but if done all the time,
you could get the short end of the schtick.
"
"her artwork was splotchy and splattery
and didn't inspire much flattery,
so she tossed out her hairbrush
and switched to an airbrush
that ran on an alkaline battery.
"
"in college, the ""aggie"" was thought
to be merely a cow-milking nought.
at the glimpse of an udder,
we'd all of us shudder
and wonder, ""oh, what hath god wrought!""
"
"i bred a new pink amaryllis
that hosted a deadly bacillus.
in my lab, just one sniff?
only one tiny whiff?
was more than sufficient to kill us.
"
"do seafaring tales fill your sails?
are you keen on adventures with whales?
and is ambergris lore
a field ripe to explore?
let me spout all the smelly details!
"
"so-called animal control is a lie.
they are dog catchers.  i want to cry.
no one tries to assuage us.
they throw us in cages!
the dogs they ""control"" mostly die.
"
"our language is oft antiquated,
which means that it's sadly outdated.
words are called ""obsolete,""
a term quite discreet
for expressions that should soon be crated.
"
"when i pick up my bow and my arrow,
i'm thrilled to my sinews and marrow.
archery's the name
of my favorite game?
fine, feathered, and fit for a pharaoh.
"
"if ever you're deemed addisonian,
your life has to be apollonian.
you get steroids by needle,
pills in cheese (when you wheedle),
but your lim'ricks remain pure oxonian.
"
"yes, i still think of suave mr. steed,
umbrella at hand, quick to heed
the surreal mrs. peel
of cat-suited appeal?
the avengers was magic indeed.
"
"the mineral amazonite
is a feldspar in green, rather light.
if it was there, it's gone
from the great amazon,
but look elsewhere and find it you might.
"
"atonic my stomach may be
or some syllables written by me.
but if muscles i tone
or stress words, it's been shown,
this condition we'll no longer see.
"
"if we're to be happy to see ya,
attentive to every idea,
and listening raptly,
then choose your words aptly
and briefly; avoid logorrhea.
"
"prospero set ariel free:
the spirit was trapped in a tree,
which doesn't seem right
for an aerial sprite.
but then, all's well that ends well?agree?
"
"the stately american elm
was a sov'reign; our towns were its realm.
at a hundred green feet
it would arch o'er the street
but now beetle-borne spores overwhelm.
"
"if ever you touch antimatter,
it and you will both instantly scatter;
into photons will pass
some of your (and its) mass
as surroundings abruptly grow flatter.
"
"since mandrite is translated monk,
archimandrite, as we might have thunk,
means the peter or paul
who's in charge of them all
and unorthodox views must debunk.
"
"conversational use of anent,
i am told, has just got up and went.
""it's no longer a word.""
come, let's not be absurd;
i know nothing anent this event.
"
"my limerick 20 is ready
(above av'rage speed, but unsteady).
though i champ at the bit
to assist, i may flit
before long?so approve me already!
"
"my new next-door neighbor's a louse.
i'll tell you my reason to grouse
(it's rather dramatic):
his huge asiatic
elephant knocked down my house.
"
"some things i propose to abolish:
first, telephones, furniture polish;
then dishes to wash
and all forms of squash.
those last two i'd like to demolish.
"
"to the best of my modest ability,
i try to avoid sheer hostility.
the fun will be brief,
yet it's bound to cause grief,
and it serves not a shred of utility.
"
"years ago, as a student in class,
i did more than just sit on my ass.
i would scrunch down and knit
argyle socks that would fit
any boy i'd decide to harass.
"
"acoustical tile's on my floor.
it's glued up and down my front door.
it's up on the ceiling
where paint was still peeling.
now no one can hear when i snore.
"
"""abandon ship!"" was the rallying cry.
just get into a lifeboat?or die!
if aboard the titanic,
you'd be in a panic.
there were far too few lifeboats, that's why.
"
"antenuptial events for the groom
try to blind him to forthcoming doom.
the guests include strippers
who look for big tippers,
while the bridegroom goes ""va-va-va-voom!""
"
"antenuptial events for the bride
involve ""showers"" from which she can't hide.
she must ooh! at each nightie
and act young and flighty,
without a scintilla of pride.
"
"i have a young friend in iraq,
deployed there to fight, to attack.
she joined the armed forces,
took requisite courses....
i hope that she'll safely come back.
"
"poor me, i'm so fiercely athirst.
he who emptied my bowl is now cursed!
i need my fresh water.
fill my bowl!  i'm your daughter!
i'd thrive if our roles were reversed.
"
"my little boat came alongshore.
i hopped out, perhaps to explore.
i do love the beach
whene'er it's in reach,
though i truly love sailing still more.
"
"there once was a beaglet named meg,
who liked to eat cheese with her egg.
raw carrots were fine,
and on almonds she'd dine,
but for shrimp on the barbie she'd beg.
"
"if you are a king or a queen,
albacore tuna's your scene;
its white meat in brine
is oil free and fine;
but in mayo it's epicureen.
"
"my son was a young adoptee.
i found him asleep in a tree.
i thought him pre-human
and named him hanuman,
but perhaps he's a smart chimpanzee.
"
"i'm apprising you now to your face?
i'm apprised of the facts in this case.
to apprise thus was wise,
marked for only my eyes,
since your work was a total disgrace.
"
"remember, please?always accessorize.
a turban will nearly caress your eyes.
a well-chosen belt
will make you look svelte,
and that way will speedy success arise.
"
"i dearly love pie ? la mode
though indulgence has frequently showed
on my belly, my butt,
on my waistline.  tut-tut!
like topsy, i 'spect i just growed.
"
"to amortize (quickly) a loan,
your property fully to own,
make payments when due,
and send extra bucks, too.
your credit will never be blown.
"
"i can't see myself quickly affording
a plasma tv, but according
to all that i've read
i should buy me instead
a digital tool for recording.
"
"the apple-cheeked boy with a grin
had bright eyes and a sweet dimpled chin,
with a rounded pink face
i could easily place
in the line-up the cops had him in.
"
"holding fast to my oath, i endured.
then renouncing my oath, i abjured.
but abjuring's more fun
because when i'm done
i've had it both ways ? i'm insured.
"
"fearsome argus, more watchful than wise,
fell to hermes, and on his demise
fully fowl-ly his fame went:
to pheasants his name went;
to peacocks, his dozens of eyes.
"
"your major is now angelology?
an int'resting branch of theology.
just how many can spin
on the head of a pin?
had to ask?please accept my apology.
"
"when singing soprano, you clown;
with your shrieks, lower voices you drown.
you like to get high?
there's a limit, says i,
so to alto i'm pulling you down.
"
"an annalist shouldn't tell lies,
just write what she sees with her eyes
or hears with her ears.
if she's lucky, then years
and years later, her annals we'll prize.
"
"the spiny angelica tree
was used to treat toothaches for free.
it made the mouth burn
but the pain would return
soon thereafter, said rafinesque, c.
"
"with slander or libel or worse,
his good name i don't want to asperse.
he has brains like an ox
or a box full of rocks?
but on that you won't hear me converse.
"
"the tiniest bit's all but none;
.9998's all but one.
you're all but annoyed
and would like to avoid
any more?  well, we're now all but done.
"
"these migraines increase, to my sorrow;
analgesics i beg and i borrow,
but my doc is blas?
and just waves me away:
""take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.""
"
"you're obsessed with the tallest of tall
and won't rest 'til you've conquered them all?
alpinism's no joke:
it may well leave you broke
or else broken, if ever you fall.
"
"it's sufficient to make one neurotic,
how our skies fill with compounds exotic.
they affect me and you
and the animals too?
what a pity we're aerobiotic.
"
"the chapel was dingy and dismal;
the service, no less than abysmal.
the food, far from fine:
just some wafers with wine;
and the water they served was baptismal.
"
"incoherent emotional plea?
obfuscation gets nowhere with me.
reassemble your case
with the facts all in place
or acceptant i never shall be.
"
"an alkaloid is an amine
on the pharmacological scene.
though i cannot condone
overuse, it's well-known
i depend on one daily: caffeine.
"
"on the 9th: said the renter, ""my word!""
when his landlord's complaint he had heard.
""yes, i sent it, don't doubt!""
then he mailed his rent out
as a check, antedated the 3rd.
"
"in my effort to cure alkalosis
i've tried surgery, drugs, and hypnosis.
the trick is to be
more acidic, you see,
but i'm base: a disgraceful prognosis.
"
"though at washing i'm sure i don't bungle,
my feet are becoming a jungle,
for athlete's foot grows
in between all my toes?
could you rub in this new antifungal?
"
"let's face it: i lack the remotest
finesse when i play anecdotist.
at parties i'm cowed
and can scarce speak aloud
so my tale-telling never gets noticed.
"
"the asthenosphere really is not
an inviting or welcoming spot,
for it's frightfully deep
('nuff to make the skin creep)
and the climate's oppressively hot.
"
"when athenian soldiers arrive,
poor andromache's captured alive.
but we still respect her,
the wife of dead hector,
as asteroid one-seven-five.
"
"we're a bastion of capitalism.
our leaders have overcome schism
and are forming, i'm told,
plans enlightened and bold
such as punishing alienism.
"
"annulation, i'm sure you'll agree,
will add rings to a worm or a tree.
then every such ring,
as a circular thing,
its own annulation will be.
"
"the chilly black depths of the blue
are hostile to life, this is true,
but not 'cause they're toxic;
they're merely anoxic.
just visit, and you can be, too!
"
"you'd keep bees with a will and a zest,
hence your new apicultural quest.
it's no difficult feat
and the honey's a treat,
but those mites?holy smokes, they're a pest!
"
"my country and i are depressed,
for our values are shaky at best.
we have traded ideals
for more automobiles;
now by anomie we are possessed.
"
"my pal's got the squits: dysentery.
it's amoebic, he says, which is scary.
amoebas that hide
up inside your inside
are the pits.  drinking water?  be wary.
"
"the cold here is causing us pains,
so increasing the heat takes no brains?
but the boss says no go;
all the allocable dough
went to chrome-plate our handcuffs and chains.
"
"my vines are a powdery mess;
it's oidium mildew, i guess.
if this arthrospore pest
were no longer my guest,
then my vineyard might be a success.
"
"she loves me, she loves me... or not.
i'm plucking this daisy a lot.
o horrors: somehow
it's apetalous now
and which was the last?  i forgot....
"
"the ovule's inverted and straight
with inferior radicle.  wait...
the hilum's right here
with the micropyle near;
this plant is anatropous.  great!
"
"aluminum sulfate i'm scanning.
in paper it's used, and in tanning,
and there even may be
al2(so4)3
in your water.  just ask city planning.
"
"ashkenazim are human mom's team,
so i'm jewish, or so it would seem.
but on beagle mom's side,
we're distinct, bona fide
mejicanos with years of esteem.
"
"my complexion went thoroughly ashen.
would anyone show some compassion?
could i show my grey face
in a haute couture place
without wearing the latest in fashion?
"
"i looked at her somewhat askance
to avoid going into a trance.
she was totally stunning
so i yelped and went running
since i knew that i hadn't a chance.
"
"i went to apply for a job,
stripping kernels of corn off the cob.
with each passing ear,
it grew ever more clear
i'd become one of les miserables.
"
"before i was formally crowned,
i excelled at just hanging around,
and now that i'm king
i still don't do a thing,
but my thoughts are considered profound.
"
"my alpine retreat is so small.
it's truly a hole-in-the-wall,
but there's crisp mountain air
and, past the snow's glare,
i see alps quite impossibly tall.
"
"her words were so acidly spoken,
her wave of the hand just a token.
his dismissal complete,
he lay crushed at her feet.
he was not only burned, but quite broken.
"
"this project has lim'ricks abundant,
so many that some seem redundant.
with meanings far-fetched
(at a minimum stretched),
those are scarce that you might call profundant.
"
"my ascendancy here in this forum
has nothing to do with decorum.
i'm known as a brat,
but i spew rhymes like that!
(do you think that my boast has a quorum?)
"
"arrowroot thickens your stew,
and your gravy becomes a rich brew.
you needn't be grumpy ?
your food won't turn lumpy.
this starch will do wonders with goo.
"
"i'll accept all your change without qualms
as i stand here extending my palms.
you don't want to sound dumb,
so don't call me a bum:
i'm an almsman.  you got any alms?
"
"if hiking and climbing enthrall
but unfortunate spills you recall,
go and trade in your stick
for an alpenstock, quick:
get a metal-tipped grip and don't fall.
"
"the uppermost leaves on a tree,
or a sub coming up through the sea;
a fantastic balloon
rising up to the moon:
all assurgent? precisely; all three.
"
"the ames test (obscure, i suspect)
is a method that's used to detect
a mutagen's strength.
to describe it at length
in five lines is too much to expect.
"
"her stories are all intertwined
with plot twists that boggle the mind.
this anfractuosity
sparks curiosity:
why is her writing maligned?
"
"alpha-helical forms we will find
where single amino chains wind.
their h-bonds are able
to keep them quite stable:
this helix is clearly defined.
"
"the airstream's a trailer of fame
with streamlined design (hence the name).
o'er highways bituminous
fly these aluminous
apterous craft, all the same.
"
"in atlantic cuisine there's a fish
called a croaker, a delicate dish.
a hardheaded grumbler,
this small piscine rumbler
is caught by the ton.  it's de-lish.
"
"though amoebas inside may offend,
our amoebocytes help to defend.
they're our blood cells in white
and intruders they fight?
but just how do they tell foe from friend?
"
"write allantoin down, if you would:
it helps wounds that don't heal as they should.
it's an oxidized mix;
it goes: c4h6,
then: n4 and o3.  got it?  good.
"
"the appendix: its purpose?  unknown,
but removal i'd rather postpone.
though without it you're fine,
while i can, i'll keep mine
for its uselessness hasn't been shown.
"
"an animal model's expedient
for testing an untried ingredient;
but how would you live
with the pain you might give
to a creature that's kind and obedient?
"
"a policeman's lot isn't a happy one,
says the song, though some think it a sappy one.
but to be arrestee
would be worse, so i'll flee.
(if i'm caught, make my pardon a snappy one.)
"
"the antrum of highmore is not
a chap like the akond of swat.
the word sinus does fine
to express its design.
(if you sniff the wrong stuff, it may rot.)
"
"if there's one thing i cannot abide,
it's insects that crawl on my hide.
their scurrying feet
make me want to retreat.
(but at least they don't scurry inside.)
"
"abandonware's not all that bad;
its makers just think that it's had
its day in the sun
and its race is now run,
so they're off to pursue a new fad.
"
"when getting a transplant, autologous
is better than merely homologous.
see, here's what they do:
they put back into you
what was yours.  (it sounds almost tautologous.)
"
"autotetraploid?  you?  why, that means
that your forbears' genetic machines
doubled once, and once more
for a total of four:
or in short, you've a spare pair of genes.
"
"a salve that is antipruritic
won't help against odors mephitic:
it serves to make itches
less bothersome, which is
sufficient?so don't be a critic.
"
"it helps how your muscles will feel,
but use caution: the danger is real.
rub aconite on
and your pains may be gone?
but don't eat it, or that's your last meal.
"
"aromatherapy's pretty much bunk,
used by people who can't smell a skunk.
if with scent-sense like mine
odors can't fix my spine,
i think lavender's ready to flunk.
"
"at midnight the gnus will appear.
the crowds will be filled with good cheer.
did i see them in time
to finish this rhyme
wishing all a most happy gnu year?
"
"an ambitious young fellow from wales
looked dashing in white tie and tails.
alas, acquisition
stopped far from ambition?
his clothes came from second-hand sales.
"
"amusement is luring me here.
a well-done little verse i revere.
writing lim'ricks is fun.
when these short tales are spun,
i am happy and filled with good cheer.
"
"what can you do for a lark?
camp out in yosemite park!
you'll toss away cares
when you sleep among bears
and watch chipmunks dart out before dark.
"
"well, they label me accident-prone,
and they tell me between each low moan
that to exercise care
i should always beware
of those wolfhounds who covet my bone.
"
"i went to the penny arcade,
and i found many games to be played?
but penny-game time
gave way to the dime,
with never a sponsor who paid!
"
"the american shorthair's a cat.
he comes skinny, just right, or too fat.
but his hair can't be long
because that would be wrong.
now what do you think about that?
"
"my body's off-balance, atilt;
gonna fall from the deck and be kilt.
i have one final plea?
hold on tight; steady me,
or you're gonna be tortured by guilt.
"
"my limerick style is atrocious,
but my fight for my work is ferocious.
the worse my rhymes get
the more i will fret.
that's a symptom of being precocious.
"
"an ambiguous word we'll now broach:
what approach shall we take with approach?
does it mean to draw near,
to advance without fear?
or approximate?  maybe encroach?
"
"i'm a deeply obsessed antiquarian?
should you doubt, ask my local librarian,
who has lent me his tomes
on all subjects, from domes
in old venice to cultures barbarian.
"
"astonish and dazzle or daze;
confuse in a number of ways;
perplex or astound:
surprises abound
in the meanings we give to amaze.
"
"come and buy my all-purpose device!
guaranteed to oblige in a trice!
yes, whatever you need,
it'll do at great speed.
it's a steal, folks, at triple the price!
"
"i lighted your way to alight
with a lamp that you said was too bright.
you were blinded, no doubt,
but the flame is now out
(not alight).  you'll recover your sight.
"
"at some meanings i aim to take aim;
though linked, they are not all the same.
if my aim is awry
then i fear it won't fly;
should this happen, i'm stuck with the blame.
"
"adorable?  maybe you are,
but you're also too cutesy by far.
it's a saccharine show;
better pack it and go,
'cause i'm getting the feathers and tar.
"
"settle down to a quieter state,
diminish, decrease: that's abate.
in storms that are smashin'
it's welcome, but passion
abated may fail to elate.
"
"aboriginal peoples arrived
before others.  they stayed and survived.
then the newcomers came
(c. columbus, one name):
passing few aborigines thrived.
"
"though abrasive remarks we eschew,
we still need our abrasives?it's true.
very quickly we find
we can't polish or grind,
sand or smooth, if we lack what they do.
"
"though angleworms aerate the soil,
reducing the gardener's toil,
in woodlands the red ones
should really be dead ones:
they're nearly as bad as spilled oil.
"
"in an optical search for felicity,
we'll strive for true achromaticity.
when our lenses zoom tight
with the colors just right,
we'll attain microscopic publicity.
"
"these chatters most certainly vex;
if i could, i might wring their wee necks.
do they know me?  not well,
but they ask, ""a/s/l?""
(my location, my age, and my sex!)
"
"this agateware stuff's pretty keen
(if you've seen it, you know what i mean).
metal oxides in slip:
let them swirl, never drip;
glaze with salt for an agaty sheen.
"
"so you're bored and you're looking for schism?
espouse antinomianism!
tell them all, ""there's no rules,
only faith, you poor fools,
and our morals should sink to abysm!""
"
"we've no dates, but we share an excuse:
we're too angular.  hardly abstruse.
the degree of our smarts
is where this trio parts:
i am right; you're acute; he's obtuse.
"
"the kids won't sit still?  never fear.  it's
not hyperactivity, dear; it's
the first day of spring
which is well-known to bring
on an excess of animal spirits.
"
"the airstream's a trailer of fame
with streamlined design (hence the name).
its aluminum shell
casts a vagabond spell
that a stay-at-home heart cannot tame.
"
"if vitality is your criterion
then i doubt you'll be learning assyrian,
for the language is gone
and the folks have moved on:
some are arabs, and some are siberian.
"
"an armiger got to bear arms
for display or infliction of harms;
e.g., standard or sword.
if he couldn't afford
either one, the estate had few charms.
"
"our axletree's broken in two,
so we're now in the ditch, me and you.
what's left of our wagon
is twisted and saggin';
how to fix it i haven't a clue.
"
"should you see a long neck like a snake
glide along in a swamp or a lake
and then dart like a streak
with a fish in its beak,
an anhinga you've found, no mistake.
"
"you are playful today, my se?ora:
when you pounced, you knocked off my fedora.
now your fingers, i see,
are almost touching me . . .
hey, quit it! you're tickling my aura!
"
"working hard is a thing i do well,
unlike some who think loafing is swell.
an accomplisher, see,
is the thing to call me,
for at getting things done i excel.
"
"for recording the motion from quakes,
an accelerograph's what it takes.
all our chances improve
if we know how things move
when the ground's got a case of the shakes.
"
"he is regal and wise?most august.
should the senate so name him? they must!
then he'll pass on the name
to a month: lasting fame!
(you're familiar with august, i trust?)
"
"the alpha male heads up the pack,
having made a successful attack.
he may gorge in excess,
but the perks come with stress:
he can never stop watching his back.
"
"i won't give a proton to you;
they're mine?and they're sticky like glue.
i'm aprotic, you see,
so it's not up to me,
but electrons?  i might have a few.
"
"be you human or canine or camel
your ameloblasts make enamel;
thus the teeth in your mouth
right and left, north and south,
have some apatite?if you're a mammal.
"
"it's a term that i'm certain you've heard,
an occasion that's often occurred,
when a thought to amend
is tacked onto the end.
...
?oh: it's afterthought?that was the word.
"
"so your face is a little surreal?
you think termites are great for a meal?
you have powerful claws,
a long tongue, and thin jaws?
congrats!  you have aardvark appeal!
"
"these earplugs attenuate noise
at concerts my husband enjoys.
i'll say, ""jack, put these on
or your hearing is gone!""
he won't listen, though: boys will be boys.
"
"""hey jerry, get up off your tush;
help us agitate, argue, and push!
our agenda? it's clear.
for the planet we fear.
what we want is more trees and less bush!""
"
"take iron; wrap copper around it,
and once you've sufficiently wound it
your new armature sends
out a current that tends
to depend on the fields that surround it.
"
"autotrophic: it's not narcissistic.
to define it as such is sophistic.
it means able to feed
on the soil?you just need
that and air, like some mythical mystic.
"
"a sailor, just in from a whaler,
on bail from a jail in a trailer,
assailed a poor tailor,
both frailer and paler,
and broke both his nose and inhaler.
"
"she looks over?the girl of his dreams?
and her glance is appraisive, it seems.
but she calls out, ""hey you,
what's that stuff on your shoe?""
and he swallows his mortified screams.
"
"my nose?like the moon, how it gleams!
i need to be powdered, it seems,
for this is my credo:
""reduce your albedo.""
reflection won't further my schemes.
"
"these are garlic plants.  love 'em or leave 'em.
genus allium, species sativum:
you can tell by the smell,
which is strong, but still swell.
(some may tell you they stink.  don't believe 'em.)
"
"anonymice aren't in the wall;
they don't squeak as they sneak down the hall.
they just mumble and schmooze
and get quotes in the news,
with no name and no number to call.
"
"we're always adapting to something.
it's often just some old damn dumb thing.
if in all of this fuss
it adapted to us,
it would probably be a ho-hum thing.
"
"an abattoir visit's my wish,
to follow beef's road to my dish.
if we plan to eat meat
we should know what we eat.
after that, i'd suggest having fish.
"
"in this era of terror and panic,
when our government often acts manic,
keep awareness on high
and not just for a spy?
watch for leaders who turn messianic.
"
"since egg whites are kind of inhuman,
eat yolks and avoid the albumen.
the whites are just yucky,
all slimy and mucky.
to see this, you don't need acumen.
"
"i'd kill for a glass of dark ale.
i don't want a light beer, weak and pale.
dos equis i'd pick
(it has adequate kick),
but for weinhard's red lager i'd wail.
"
"as a kid i collected these things?
the scrawls of celebrity kings.
to join my collection,
it's now my reflection,
you were one of those frankies or bings.
"
"it's not quite according to hoyle,
but let's soon set ourselves this new toil?
let us rhyme sherlock holmes
into anapest tomes
as by conan and christopher doyle.
"
"this rhyme's now the authorized version.
your meddling will seem an incursion.
do not fold, do not swindle,
do not steal, do not spindle?
our approval's by total immersion.
"
"we abruptly came up with this rhyme.
it didn't take very much time.
its virtue is speed;
it was sudden, indeed.
(all it needs now is meaning sublime.)
"
"it seems acronyms thrive on the net.
we've not witnessed the end of them yet.
they're words formed by nerds
that cluster like herds,
code standing for?um, i forget.
"
"i know you're a little dismayed
by the purchases we have not made,
but we'll buy more from you
if you buy from us too:
we're preserving the balance of trade.
"
"you think bafflegab sets you apart;
jargon makes you seem technically smart?
well, i'm happy to say
we don't see things that way?
so you might as well not even start.
"
"on bannocks of barley or oats
or of cornmeal, my grandmother dotes.
every thursday she bakes
these dense biscuits or cakes,
and their virtues she staunchly promotes.
"
"a bangtail's no more than a horse
that will race on a track or a course.
it connotes drive and speed
without reference to breed.
(a short tail is the epithet's source.)
"
"hit the drums just on two and on four.
though i know that you'd like to explore
other rhythms to play,
they just lead us astray:
what we need is a backbeat, no more.
"
"let me tell you, it's not what you know.
i work hard, but i've reached a plateau.
i've a dozen degrees,
which astounds the trustees?
would you like that for here or to go?
"
"i thought it a joke when you pawned
our old compass.  ""don't need it,"" i yawned.
but the gps died,
and it can't be denied
we're now lost in the back of beyond.
"
"a bardolater?  no, that's not me;
though i've read all his plays, i don't see
why just liking the wit
of shakespearean ""lit""
merits naming me thus.  what of thee?
"
"this long, narrow diamond is set
to impress, in white gold.  we regret
it's the last we possess
that would suit your noblesse;
won't you purchase this stunning baguette?
"
"dr. atkins would have us forget
that it's food, but i feel no regret:
i still call it the staff
of my life.  here, have half
and we'll butter and eat this baguette.
"
"though the barberry's tasty (it's true!)
we've a motive this fruit to eschew,
for the needle-sharp tines
of its three-pointed spines
let the birds in, but not me and you.
"
"please welcome this great balladeer.
we're glad he could join us out here.
he'll sing songs, three or four;
if there's time, maybe more.
(we have only three hours, i fear.)
"
"if you catch acariasis, mites
call you home and you itch from their bites.
if you're human, it's strange;
if you're not, it's called mange.
either way, it'll keep you up nights.
"
"i'm currently writing a paper
on mimesis where simians caper:
for a source, i have tapes
of what happens when apes
are caught apishly aping an aper.
"
"i'm hating this coffee i got;
gourmet it distinctly is not.
from its flavor i'd flee
but i hope it will be
analeptic, 'cause that hits the spot!
"
"i was always in trouble in school;
in the corner i'd sit on a stool.
though my mind's rather keen
and i'm not at all mean,
still, my balkiness beats any mule.
"
"when speaking of horrors and sadness
and sights that would drive you to madness,
remember their master,
the old one called hastur?
behind you: the essence of badness.
"
"on a backwater just off the bay
stand a cluster of homes and a quay.
there's no change or renown
for this backwater town?
though it's backward, they like it that way.
"
"do you drown in the deeps of despair,
and feel pain beyond any compare?
if thusly you languish,
you might call it anguish?
but no, you're just brushing your hair.
"
"no more universe meaning than this:
incandescent so green reminisce;
consequential, et al.,
humpty dumpty next fall.
(manifesto, absurdist, amiss.)
"
"a diver's bad case of the bends
causes stroke.  is this where his tale ends?
no, since this is light verse
he gets better, not worse?
from aeremia's depths he ascends.
"
"though some would consider it swell
to prance about au naturel,
most places require
more formal attire.
no shirt?  then no service.  oh well.
"
"am i elegant, dextrous, or deft?
no; of grace i am sadly bereft.
as for why, you'll recall
that my feet aren't at all
antitropic: they're both of them left.
"
"i was writing, but then i got stuck.
all my thoughts are just running amuck.
i'll retreat to my den,
where i'll gnaw on my pen
until after afflatus has struck.
"
"clear the way, don't delay, give me room!
(then your hike, if you like, can resume.)
my descent from the top
is propelled (i can't stop!)
by my towering backpack of doom.
"
"an army ant causes few fears
when all by herself she appears,
but when tons of 'em pass
in a legion, en masse,
the phenomenon rightfully skeers.
"
"these lines, by intent, are amusive,
though sometimes of language abusive.
they're meant to make clear
a word's meaning; i fear
that they've failed if you find them confusive.
"
"it's shrinking, our earthly abode,
'til antipodes nearly implode,
and the curve of the earth
from bermuda to perth
may be spanned from a networking node.
"
"in the south, if you're craving caffeine
but you haven't a leaf or a bean,
pick some yaupon and brew it?
then drink.  you won't rue it.
(it's tea: appalachian, not green.)
"
"aquaculturists find, to their sorrow,
that their farming may have no tomorrow.
between toxins, disease,
and the threat to the seas,
they may lose even more than they borrow.
"
"you could say i ain't much of a talker.
don't like airplanes; i'm more of a walker.
and it's true i ain't much
for your cities and such,
but gol-dernit, i'm no apple-knocker!
"
"dear, your dinner's right there on the table.
hold your knife so it's steady and stable;
though i've cooked it enough,
beefwood pot-roast is tough.
still, i've carved it as well as i'm able.
"
"your position is firm, like a rock.
you won't budge, though we talk and we talk.
you are steadfast, it's true,
but i'm adamant too:
i'm not driving us either.  we'll walk.
"
"any aerosol may be maligned,
but the worst ones are all of one kind.
they damage the breeze
if they hold cfc's;
and the rest?  mostly harmless, we find.
"
"although it lacks taste, pay attention
to animal starch: it's worth mention.
we find it in meat;
it's not bitter or sweet,
but it's great for caloric retention.
"
"the limerick's less than sublime?
your mind is confined by the rhyme?
then compose in your head
ballad stanzas instead,
for they'll give you an easier time.
"
"the apricot, botanists teach,
was chinese, like its cousin the peach.
this enticing fruit, known
for its pulp and its stone,
is ambrosial?and quite within reach.
"
"you say you're a fine allegorist,
a precepts-and-symbols-galore-ist?
find a theme apropos,
craft a fable, then?oh.
it's a living you want?  be a florist.
"
"'round the back of the pub lurked big lars,
rolling drunks and then stealing their cars,
'til at last he was caught.
(didn't change things a lot;
last i heard, he was still behind bars.)
"
"the athelings eddie and al
had in old king canute a good pal,
for he said, ""times are tough;
share my land.  there's enough.""
(then he died, which decreased their morale.)
"
"that bell-flowered plant over there?
no, the little one?better beware:
i pity the brute
who would chew alumroot?
its astringency curls up your hair.
"
"the w : why's it in answer?
i'd tell you, except that i can't, swer:
my sharp-witted brain
has just suffered a sprain
and it no longer moves like a danswer.
"
"abc soil's horizons, my dear,
are the layers that in it appear.
the loam we call a;
b is subsoil, ok?
and c is the rock fragments.  clear?
"
"a detractor's base sneer you'd erase,
and you long to make clear his disgrace?
if your tongue won't express
your disdain and distress,
turn your back with a sharp about-face.
"
"""now what do you mean, you don't sweat?
is it true, or a joke i don't get?""
""i perspired... was hysteric...
took acid... agaric...
anhidrotic... which now i regret.""
"
"though reprisals a foe may deserve
as he gleefully twangs your last nerve,
don't go smashing his head;
try avoidance instead
and avoid the life sentence you'd serve.
"
"at this sandstone you might not look twice:
plain old arkose.  a glance would suffice.
though once in our planet
'twas taken for granite,
if given the chance, it was gneiss.
"
"there's a beetle that lives in peru?
has a lovely metallic green hue.
it's a beautiful thing
with no bite and no sting?
but its name?  agra vation.  (it's true!)
"
"my optometrist offers no hope;
when his office anomaloscope
showed me red, i saw green.
that infernal machine
says i'm colorblind.  how will i cope?
"
"what are areoles? not what you think:
they don't warrant a nudge or a wink.
see how cacti have spines
in upraised round designs?
those are them.  from the points let us shrink.
"
"academic has meanings, no few:
""pertaining to college"" you knew;
""tending oft to obsess""?
""theoretical""?  yes!
if you educate, maybe it's you.
"
"you've deftly chipped out your design
in alto-relievo. divine!
this high-relief carving
is great, and i'm starving.
i hope it goes well with the wine.
"
"a religion a week is our vow,
but you took to the koans?and how!
never mind; though satori
is now a past glory,
adapt: that was zen; this is tao.
"
"an amphipod isn't a flea;
it won't be found living on me.
they like hops on the beach
and old seaweed; their speech
is unknown, and their circus is free.
"
"ambilateral problems affect
both your sides, left and right. i suspect
(since i've reason to doubt
you can tell when i shout)
anacusis is what i detect.
"
"i breed serpents for profit and fun;
for exotics i won't be outdone.
but a form amphisbaenic's
as rare as a phoenix,
though two heads are better than one.
"
"though it's plain you've no vestige of sight,
it would seem that your eyes are all right,
so be of good cheer.
diagnosis is clear:
amaurosis.  we've now seen the light.
"
"wake up! shake the sleep from your head!
it's too late to be lying abed!
it's breakfast-time, pete,
and we're taking the sheet
for our tablecloth.  come and get fed.
"
"the forge's old anvil once rang
where the blacksmith with hammers would clang;
now it drops toward the ground
with a whistling sound
ere it flattens coyotes: ka-bang!
"
"you watch what you eat.  you're hygienical.
your attitude's calm and irenical.
so it took all my skill
to discern why you're ill:
those concoctions you drink?  they're arsenical.
"
"i give you the antineutrino.
it has flavors, though not maraschino:
electron and tau;
also muon. and now
have a few.  (they're too small to be seen-o.)
"
"the schools of small anchovies flee
through the mediterranean sea,
where they're eaten by birds
and by tuna in herds.
are there any left over for me?
"
"you anger me, raising my wrath,
so once more i say: out of my path!
my anger you feed
with your failure to heed?
soak my head?  do you mean take a bath?
"
"we dive deeper, new marvels to seek,
'til our bathyscaph's hull starts to creak.
we've seen wonders down here
in the sea, but i fear
we are doomed?for we've just sprung a leak.
"
"an abodance is not where you dwell,
but results from an augurer's spell.
(these words felt foreboding
as they were eroding;
their end they could clearly foretell.)
"
"the meaning of autoinfection?
it's when larvae, escaping detection,
reinfest you with worms.
it's not one of those terms
that are pleasant to learn, on reflection.
"
"how do vines grow away from the root
while the bits that would branch stay minute?
it's by apical dominance:
tip buds gain prominence,
telling the others, ""don't shoot!""
"
"a tumor with blood must be fed
in order to grow and to spread.
a key to this menace is
angiogenesis:
vessels to carry the red.
"
"he worked fast, so we said with delight,
""you've been taking your time there, eh, dwight?""
(see, we package our praise
in an inside-out phrase.
it's antiphrasis: sarcasm lite.)
"
"on that tower, the rabbity head
of a spectre has filled me with dread.
her heartbroken wail
(if you credit the tale)
means the banshee knows someone is dead.
"
"advantage: position superior
to opponents, who thus have inferior
resources or skill;
so you, with a will,
may apply toe of boot to posterior.
"
"astroviruses came from afar
in a ship like a giant cigar,
thinking earth was the most
likely place for a host.
(oh, all right: they're just shaped like a star.)
"
"you'd diminish the nose on your face?
your appendix, remove from its place?
achieve anablepsis?
a state of asepsis
is where to begin in each case.
"
"amalgam's convenient, i'm sure,
to make dental repairs that endure,
but its mercury's not
stuff i relish a lot.
i'd prefer the disease to this cure.
"
"my shoes stink?you've told me so, twice.
they're musty.  it's not very nice.
active charcoal does well
at adsorbing the smell,
but it won't help get rid of the mice.
"
"an afflux of blood makes you flush
as it moves to one place in a rush.
if you tingle or burn,
it's no cause for concern.
(my favorite example?  the blush.)
"
"he's content with what others may leave,
and he hasn't the will to achieve.
he will seldom advance
except maybe by chance?
thus, ambitionlessness we perceive.
"
"there are all sorts of aphanite rocks.
a microscope image unlocks
tiny crystals that we
cannot otherwise see:
they're this igneous stone's building blocks.
"
"allow me to say, here and now,
that meanings abound for allow:
to permit by intent
or to fail to prevent;
to assign or concede or avow.
"
"the allosaur, theropod beast,
grew as long as twelve meters (at least).
though its spine is thought strange,
it was able to range
many miles in pursuit of a feast.
"
"autocephalous means you possess
your own head?thus avoiding distress,
for the bother and pain
of outsourcing your brain
far outweigh any gain, i would guess.
"
"on authorship, here is my claim:
i wrote this, affixing my name.
thus the words in each line,
i assert, are all mine.
you object?  i'm the one you should blame.
"
"from your helm to your greaves you look fine;
you're all polished to sparkle and shine.
but you'll soon be a wreck:
you've not covered your neck
with an aventail over your spine.
"
"you're confused on the meaning of is?
bill, that gives a bad name to the biz!
definitions but few
appertain thereunto?
but your lie wasn't lethal, like his.
"
"an affricative sound we may hear
in cherry, and also in jeer.
both c-h and j
are pronounced in this way;
stopped before, and then hissed at the rear.
"
"aerodontics is useful to those
who are often aloft, i suppose?
but i'd rather be found
standing safe on the ground:
falling could cause a toothache.  who knows?
"
"aristae means bristles, like those
that adorn ears of corn, i suppose.
an arista's just one;
if you're graced with a ton
you're aristate.  with that we shall close.
"
"all the minutes you had, well, you spent 'em;
rebuttals?  you failed to present 'em.
you attacked only me,
not my argument, see,
so ad hominem's your argumentum.
"
"from up high, take a shot at the ground,
or take pictures of clouds that you've found.
when they're put to the test,
angle shots are the best
if you've had it with looking around.
"
"that ridge you can touch with your tongue;
an air sac, quite small, in your lung;
use alveolar, please
when referring to these
and some consonants, spoken or sung.
"
"acephaly comes from roots greek.
it means ""without head,"" so to speak.
[when] it's used in your verse,
[then] your lines will be terse,
[their] first syllables dropped as technique.
"
"raise a glass to the hardy archaea.
some subsist (you ask how? no idea.)
on the sulfur that's sent
through a hot deep-sea vent.
for myself, i prefer a tortilla.
"
"just what is an autotransfusion?
don't fret; it won't cause a contusion.
it's when blood that's drawn out
(where it's treated, no doubt)
is returned to the source, in conclusion.
"
"sixteen apples and two cups of honey;
one cup cider (redundantly funny);
add cinnamon; spice
with some cloves so it's nice,
and then simmer until it's not runny.
"
"bertie wooster (of jeevesian fame),
as an agamist, rightly could claim
that a bachelor he
would continue to be,
giving no one his ring or his name.
"
"you suffer diminished sensation?
i'm sure there's a good explanation.
i'll need information?
experimentation??
'til then, call it abirritation.
"
"you're sayin' our band needs an axeman?
an electric guitar or a sax man?
dude, that's goin' too far?
we don' need no guitar.
you don' like it?  too bad.  them's the facts, man.
"
"this acetone's truly a beaut
of a solvent.  (smells kind of like fruit.)
but when smelled on your breath,
it may herald your death:
in your body, the stuff isn't cute.
"
"flunking phonics?  cheer up now, don't cry;
give architectonics a try.
leave letters and sounds;
turn to solider grounds:
design buildings for others to buy.
"
"i'm the boss, also known as the harrier.
if you cross me again, you'll be warier.
i'm as calm as can be;
there's no angst here for me.
i don't suffer from stress?i'm a carrier.
"
"this antefix graced someone's eaves
with its elegant pattern of leaves.
it's a classical style
for a roof made of tile,
where concealment of joints it achieves.
"
"i aver, i allege, i declare:
i am innocent, truly, i swear!
i make this averment
in hopes of determent:
don't kill me, 'cause i wasn't there!
"
"i was just getting into my goading
when he said, ""this here gun's autoloading.""
without pause to reload
he soon filled my abode
full of holes, and my mind with foreboding.
"
"while he drank, jimmy whistled and jigged,
but when drunk on the whiskey he swigged,
suffered dreams of grim lasses
in wigs and dark glasses:
bespectacled, bitter, bewigged.
"
"yep, i'm certain he thinks that i've treated
him wrong.  we had words; they were heated.
(called him biggety, see,
meaning impudent. he
thought i meant he was vain and conceited.)
"
"though genetics cannot be dismissed,
there are certainly those who insist
what you saw, heard, and knew
will affect what you do?
so environment still makes my list.
"
"definitive?  surely.  just give
us a word; we'll define, as i live!
for defining in fun
we will not be outdone?
but we're hardly authoritative.
"
"for discipline, here is our ship's
chief enforcer.  he'll tear you to strips
if you dare to rebel.
at a glance you can tell
he's biflagellate (having two whips).
"
"""hold yer tongue now,"" the bagpiper spoke,
""that's a kilt, not a skirt for a bloke.
underneath it i've sworn
there's not anything worn:
all's in good working order, no joke.""
"
"beet armyworms forage in groups.
they will snack on a leaf 'til it droops
and is riddled with holes,
for their tactical goal's
to ensure that there's none left for soups.
"
"when one cannot sit still (not a chance!)
and one fidgets or gets up to dance,
the clear diagnosis:
not mumps or thrombosis,
one merely has ants in one's pants.
"
"your blood plasma, yes, that's the place
alpha globulin's likely to grace.
the stuff has agility
(colloidal mobility)
with neutral ph, or a base.
"
"arthropodan creatures abound
in the air, in the sea, on the ground,
because god's fond of beetles
(and crabs, fleas, mos-keedles...).
you're not?  you may yet come around.
"
"now agony may describe pain
that's sufficient to drive you insane,
but it's also a lark
with a boojum and snark
from charles dodgson's unusual brain.
"
"the arpents to the south of paree
are my winery's site, can't you see?
near an acre in measure,
each parcel's a treasure.
the land fits the grapes. oh mais oui!
"
"it's slander, this talk about freaks;
i'm no madman.  my lab only seeks
to improve upon creatures
with... interesting... features.
we use biochemical... tweaks.
"
"be careful when doing inspections
of arteriovenous connections.
they're essential to life,
and when sliced with a knife
they leak badly in many directions.
"
"so you won by a blowout?  that's great!
there's a blowout tonight?  i'll be late.
see, my tire just exploded
while heavily loaded?
a blowout.  well, maybe it's fate.
"
"when an alderfly larva's spent years
in a stream, it crawls out, it appears.
as a pupa it stays
through the winter, then plays
in imago form?briefly, one fears.
"
"you can shove all your ""better"" and ""faster"":
my limb's gone, and that's a disaster.
though bionic, the arm
on my shoulder lacks charm:
it's just circuits and motors and plaster.
"
"""alter egos may seem a bit dippy,""
i was told by this brain-fried old hippie.
""but they help us explore
how we might become more.""
(guess he don't know my evil twin skippy.)
"
"he's pathetic, a man you'd reject.
his life and his fortunes are wrecked.
his spirit is broken;
each word that he's spoken
is abject.  (well, whadja expect?)
"
"the alpaca's a cameloid critter
like the llama, but less of a spitter,
with wool warm and dry
and so light it could fly?
were it used by an aeroplane knitter.
"
"i'll give you some permanent glue,
not just any agglutinant goo:
it's for holding your tongue?
don't become all unstrung;
i refer to the one in your shoe.
"
"abiosis: no life here to see.
not a germ or a bug or a tree.
i'm secure from disease
so i'll rest here at ease,
but it's lonely as lonely can be.
"
"we tried to unmix this, but nope;
distill it?  we haven't a hope.
its steam is the same
as the liquid.  the name
for this mixture's an azeotrope.
"
"to flush uric acid from gout,
allopurinol medics will tout.
as we see by the name
it is almost the same
as that stuff we could all do without.
"
"old armorial tomes?  i explore 'em
despite those who say this would bore 'em.
they're blind to the charms
of historical arms?
heraldic'ly challenged.  ignore 'em.
"
"some words have a metrical stress
that, as much as i try to compress,
i can't pinch, squeeze, or scrape
into anapest shape:
no alleviator here, i confess.
"
"my new vitamin spray is inhalable,
but i fear it will fail to be salable.
the stuff's composition
holds tons of nutrition?
too bad it's not bioavailable.
"
"it's the fault of his shirt, which was red, jim:
a stone has impacted his head, jim.
his brain was displaced
by silicon-based
amphibolite (hornblende): he's dead, jim.
"
"don't screech like you're fryin' in lava;
""love coffee""?you're jivin' on java.
you'll do better, i know
if we have one more go
at an octave below: all' ottava.
"
"so you have an internal contusion
and blood's made unwelcome intrusion
(through leaks that you've sprung)
in the space for your lung?
just replace it by autoreinfusion.
"
"an eyeball is nearly a sphere
and its focus is patently clear:
an albuminoid lens
on which vision depends.
with your outlook it won't interfere.
"
"don't like sweating? you might try agaric,
a mushroom.  but summon a cleric,
for if it's not right,
your demise will be quite
an unpleasant one, harsh and barbaric.
"
"woes urethral?  could be this'll cure ya.
some doctors advise (i assure ya)
drinking cranberry juice
so the bugs will vamoose,
for it's said they can't stand aciduria.
"
"acrocarp: not a fish in the air;
it's that green on the ground over there.
on this moss you may spy
archegonia high,
each one perched on a stalk like a hair.
"
"for want of a meal we would fast
were it not for the amyloplast.
in potato or larch
it turns sap into starch,
so our debt to this cell's rather vast.
"
"on the freeway, preparing to pass,
you accelerate?step on the gas?
but should you mistake
and stomp on the brake,
you'll accelerate backward, alas.
"
"you've made dozens of laps 'round the track
and a breather's the thing that you lack?
don't just sit, kneel, or crouch;
find a hammock or couch,
'cause accumbency's really laid back.
"
"for a purpose this verse is intended:
defining a word ere it's ended.
if it fails to delight
i will gladly rewrite
and remove things that might have offended.
until all is correctly amended.
"
"while producing our juice isn't tough
and our customers can't get enough,
lack of bottles, i fear,
is the bottleneck here,
and it's slowing our sales of the stuff.
"
"you could say he was just a galoot
in a chiton (an ancient greek suit).
but come, is there really an
aristotelian
precept that you would dispute?
"
"an actus (a measure of yore,
common once, though it's not anymore)
took the measure of land,
undeniably spanned
strictly ten dozen feet (or six score).
"
"it's a gas, is agastache, dude:
though a mint, it's not pushy or rude.
its blossoms will please
all the skippers and bees,
and with anise its leaves are imbued.
"
"he kills culann's bandog, then sees
a fine chance to advance and appease:
take its place and its name!
now c? chulainn has fame
as a guardsman. too bad he caught fleas.
"
"fearful words leave me knocking my knees,
such as arthroscope?who disagrees?
i acknowledge its point,
but no, not in this joint!
go and peer somewhere else, if you please.
"
"take the bass and the treble in hand
for a staff that's enormous and grand.
if you like, you can whittle
it down to the middle:
the alto clef central will stand.
"
"oxidation, we're told, is a curse
that can make health and beauty disperse.
though i hate to seem rude,
antioxidant food
has a flavor that seems even worse.
"
"scottish bothies were huts or small sheds
where the ploughmen were given rough beds.
poorly lit, seldom clean,
they were setting and scene
for fine songs from the laborers' heads.
"
"when one plant tells the others, ""get gone!""
and poisons 'em 'til they've withdrawn?
like when walnuts kill taters
and maybe tomaters?
allelopathy's what's goin' on.
"
"avogadro: his number i sought,
but it didn't turn up where i thought.
though i search far and wide,
it continues to hide:
it's unlisted, and i am distraught.
"
"that's an adder's mouth.  no, it won't bite;
with no teeth it's unlikely to fight.
it's a plant like a pink;
just a weed, many think.
it's called chickweed, you say? why, you're right!
"
"delalande, a biologist, mocks
the huge ears of a bug-eating fox.
""like a bat's,"" he declares,
and bemusedly stares.
""and with those he wears formal black socks?""
"
"my cologne i'll be happy to loan ya,
ere family and friends all disown ya:
no offense, but i think
i discern from the stink
you've encountered anhydrous ammonia.
"
"though his skill with a sword was perfection,
he disdained any kind of protection.
when a stealthy attack
brought an axe to his back,
the result, i'm afraid, was bisection.
"
"my dearest, there's nothing that's viler
than a cold-hearted flattering smiler,
a cad or a rake?
but you've made a mistake:
i am not a deceitful beguiler.
"
"wondered aalto, ""what makes buildings tick?
can i curve them and still employ brick?
will they merge with the trees
if i build as i please?""
that illusion would be quite a trick.
"
"these macaques, known as barbary apes,
have furry but anthropoid shapes
with vestigial tails,
mobile mouths, bluntish nails,
and gillespian cheeks to hold grapes.
"
"all the backspin you put on your ball
makes it soar, almost float, and then fall
to roll back on the green
into hole 17.
?hole in one again?  lucky, that's all!
"
"in prescriptions, amounts are the same;
as a book, it's the anecdote game.
up in ?ire, it invokes
an old goddess, but folks,
on our friends, ana's only a name.
"
"a blue screen is good to obtain
for filmmaking legerdemain
with composite effects
that are meant to perplex.
(when computing, it's more of a pain.)
"
"we go where no others would go
to set your tv screen aglow
with a fine astronautical,
wildly exotical,
thin-in-the-plot-ical show!
"
"rainbow boas are favored by folk
who raise snakes.  they're not hard to provoke,
but true damage is rare
if you treat them with care.
(put one on like a scarf and you'll croak.)
"
"anemocracy (rule by the wind,
or by whimsy) might leave us chagrined
if defined: it's seen use,
but it's rare and abstruse.
(forgive me, my friends.  i have sinned.)
"
"since the spaceship is comin' on fast
there's a blueshift.  then when it's gone past
it'll redshift instead,
'cause the blue and the red
are just white with a doppler-ish cast.
"
"benzaldehyde: almondy smell
is a thing that this ring can do well.
it's a benzene, you know,
with attached cho?
should you drink it, you might live to tell.
"
"in the wake of your wreck and its strife,
more bad news arrives, twisting the knife:
that old truck was your friend,
but it's come to the end
of its absolute physical life.
"
"though he made her feel small, i admit?
she was scared and so mad she could spit?
i move for acquittal: her
former belittler
drooled on himself, i submit.
"
"you suffer from avascularity?
no offense, but i doubt your sincerity.
with no vessels for blood
your whole body's a dud,
and you won't pass your genes to posterity.
"
"to advocate person or plan,
explain just as well as you can
why it ought to impress
all the folks you address.
try to make every skeptic a fan.
"
"""it once was a missile,"" he said,
""'twas intended to render you dead.""
but he'd also avow
that an arrow is now
just a pointer, not something to dread.
"
"this venturia called inaequalis
makes a spot on my fruit like a callus.
when i spot apple scab
on delicious or crab,
i'm annoyed and i bear it much malice.
"
"ancient romans preferred accubation:
they reclined as they dined, in that nation.
now if you do as they
did, and feast in this way,
drink with care to avoid aspiration.
"
"i haven't the words to express
my dismay at your averageness,
with your two point eight kids
and... politeness forbids
i go on.  make an average guess.
"
"acid rain, as you probably know,
falls where gases from industry blow.
thus it won't take a wizard
to guess: in a blizzard
what falls is, instead, acid snow.
"
"there once was a man from tashkent
(quite the monolocational gent).
though his absence we found
when he wasn't around,
he was present wherever he went.
"
"if a cobra's injected a dose
or a man o' war's gotten too close,
don't just cry that you'll die
or you may, by and by.
antivenin's what you need the mos'.
"
"frenzied ministers' shrill exhortation,
rabid right-wingers' sheer indignation,
and the noise of their peers:
they're invading our ears
with their rude amplitude modulation.
"
"i am free; on my own: i'm autonomous.
self-determined, that too is synonymous.
the potential is vast?
i've gone solo at last!
should i make my first album eponymous?
"
"we have similar looks, me and ike;
corresponding; resemblant; alike.
it's a cross i can't bear,
though i doubt i would care
if he wasn't a pollicle tyke.
"
"they're balsam and turpentine's source;
their wood many whittlers endorse,
and at yuletide their green
in our homes may be seen.
(yep, they're abies: fir trees, of course.)
"
"if it's backward compatible, you
are less apt to immediately rue
that new upgrade you got:
it will work with a lot
of the stuff that your old version knew.
"
"you like bacon, but don't care for fat?
we canucks have an answer for that:
try some back bacon, eh?
(other names are pass?,
so canadian bacon falls flat.)
"
"don't be cryptic; just say what you mean.
keep your words and your sentences lean.
for a dose to allay
venom's damage, just say
antivenin, not antivenene.
"
"in a dram, sixty grains may be found,
and twelve ounces can stretch to a pound:
i don't scruple to state
that apothec'ries' weight
is clearly not metrically sound.
"
"there's a minuscule maggot that eats
webs of mines in the leaves of my beets.
it's the beetfly, you know,
and i wish it would go
somewhere else for its larcenous treats.
"
"do plants kill their peers by intent?
that's the thesis i mean to present:
to attack, not defend,
is the probable end
to which toxins (allelo-) are sent.
"
"though as ""cultural lore"" you defend
the sound that you make, it must end.
it's a quarter to four!
if you pick any more
then i'll banjax your banjo, my friend.
"
"imagine yourself as a plant.
(if you can; i admit that i can't.)
if you're looking to seed
and no partner you need,
you're an apomict.  thus ends my chant.
"
"a sea wasp won't buzz, lacking wings;
it's a jelly that's squarish and stings.
if its tentacles stick,
apply vinegar, quick?
it disables the venomous things.
"
"dupes are flocking without hesitation
to the aid of our fine corporation.
that pr firm did well,
so we're seeing a swell
of new astro?er, grassroots elation.
"
"now, anchors are things meant for boats,
designed to constrain where one floats.
but they also appear
on a web page; it's here
that they link to more pages and notes.
"
"if cestodes cause muscles to waste,
or if ascarids in you are placed,
you have worms.  ere you're through,
i have one word for you:
anthelmintic.  go take some, posthaste.
"
"we once were a great and proud nation,
but in fragments we've only frustration.
i've grown weary of you
and you're sick of me too.
we're clear victims of balkanization.
"
"if anthologized (""grouped among flowers"")
in a volume the reader devours,
a writer may find
that it lightens her mind
and rewards her for all of those hours.
"
"you break everything down by degrees
to ""self-evident"" truths that you seize.
but your truth is not mine:
i reject your design.
axiomatize that, if you please!
"
"aromatize: fill up with scent
(or with flavor, if such is your bent).
its results we may see
both in fine potpourri
and the place where your feline just went.
"
"i believe i can say without risk
or gratuitous reference to bisque
or to camembert cheese,
that, to master lps,
what you need is an acetate disc.
"
"achillea's (or yarrow's) the thing
for ointments or throwing i ching.
great achilles of old
used this herb, we are told,
to stanch wounds, thus averting death's sting.
"
"an ambush (surprising, of course)
is a trap from a quarrelsome source.
(that's assuming that you
aren't a bear known as pooh.
if you are, then it's likely a gorse.)
"
"o aesthesis, i sing in your praise;
your sensation brings joy to my days,
for with bliss thou dost bless
at a lover's caress?
but with sunburns i wish you'd part ways.
"
"though troubled by insects pestiferous,
i'm raising some veggies cruciferous.
they grow and excel
on the stream from my well,
which descends into regions aquiferous.
"
"when ye find yerself walkin' the plank
i bethink ye'll have drinkin' to thank.
ye'll asink in the drink
with a plop and ker-plink
and the bubbles will rise whar ye sank.
"
"her hair is both silky and curly;
her figure, decidedly girly.
but what ruins it all
for the fellows who fall
is her attitude: grumpy and surly.
"
"i stumble; i fumble; i clunk
my head as i crawl to my bunk.
banged and bruised, i won't whine
'cause my muscles are fine,
not remotely apraxic: i'm drunk.
"
"we'll give some points for art and for brains,
but your industry's causin' us pains.
whole species you're doomin'
and so, antihuman
our standing most firmly remains.
"
"does it set off a skirt or a suit
for a look that is dashing or cute?
be you lady or gent,
that is not what is meant
by the odd term accessory fruit.
"
"the guys pass him by with a ""hi, gus"";
of the gals, not a one calls him ""my gus.""
he's alone, by himself,
firmly stuck on the shelf.
i suppose you could call him azygous.
"
"an old rubber band will go wacky;
all brittle and sticky or tacky.
but what will protect
it before it gets wrecked?
antiozonants do it, by cracky!
"
"i'll admit i'm a poor lexicographer
and i'm nobody's cinematographer;
i'm content with my prints
and their layers of tints.
i'm your neighbourhood chromolithographer.
"
"the cigar and the scowl we recall,
the avowal to stand or to fall,
wry wit, stubborn poses,
the gardener's roses:
churchillian memories all.
"
"you know your adrenal glands, right?
they prepare you to fight or take flight.
but adreno-, the toxin,
slows runnin' and boxin':
don't eat it, not even a bite!
"
"here's a hint from my wordy friend horace:
always carry a handy thesaurus.
when frilled lizards are out
it allows you to shout,
""hey, look out for the chlamydosaurus!""
"
"the abacos, little and great,
are surrounded by cays.  their sedate
bahamian charm
causes little alarm,
though the parrots squawk, ""pieces of eight!""
"
"with woodwinds i haven't a quarrel
and i don't think that strings are immoral,
but if there are choices
i'd rather hear voices:
my favourite arrangements are choral.
"
"the dusk fills with shrilling and rasping;
my guests have their ears covered, gasping:
""cicadas!  such noise!""
no, it's chorus frogs, boys,
and the chance for a chorus they're grasping.
"
"celtiberian, gaulish, brythonic;
goidelic, with speakers laconic:
come study all these
celtic languages, please!
their decline is, lamentably, chronic.
"
"""whitish skin, toothy scales; bless my soul!""
said our guide, out on diving patrol,
""fins ventral and dorsal?""
""aren't you a choice morsel,""
the shark said, and swallowed him whole.
"
"the seconds, the minutes, the hours
build a terror that over me towers.
chronophobia's curse
leaves me panicked and worse
as each moment my lifetime devours.
"
"if a quip's so high-flown it's a flop
(""i shall swallow the sea?every drop!""),
don't be fooled; i suspect
it's a jest for effect.
the adynaton's over the top.
"
"we're flying at speeds supersonic
by means of machines avionic.
if they go on the fritz,
it spells trouble: our mitts
aren't that fast without aid electronic.
"
"though i may take a tone professorial,
i'm lacking pretensions authorial.
no great writer am i,
just an average guy.
my ambitions, though?they're dictatorial.
"
"though perhaps we're a shrinking minority,
we consider extreme apriority
unfit for consumption.
(deductive presumption,
assumption, appeal to authority.)
"
"this burglarproof box ain't for show;
it's the spot where my valuables go.
i'm extreme in my measures
for guarding my treasures.
the key?  safe inside it.  (oh no!)
"
"alliterate: set sounds at the start
that resound and repeat to impart
a fine feeling of flow
(or some silliness show)?
it's intriguing, it is.  is it art?
"
"an abolisher strives to be rid
of the habits and such we're amid.
""they're just wrong; status quo
needs a change.  they must go!
their continuance let us forbid.""
"
"ahf, also called factor viii,
when it's absent leaves me in a state.
it's the stuff that i need
if i'm cut and i bleed;
as an agent for clotting, it's great.
"
"with a sapphire of staggering size
i came home, and it dazzled her eyes.
she was thrilled and amazed
'til she had it appraised...
now i'm broke and alone, but more wise.
"
"want an augury, easy to swallow?
aleuromancy?go ask apollo:
balls of flour, words inside.
mix 'em up, then divide.
(later on, fortune cookies would follow.)
"
"the atrax robustus has fame
as the deadliest bug you could name.
a funnel-web bite
causes more than just fright:
ask an insect; he'll tell you the same.
"
"this project is clearly ambitious;
definitions we write are delicious.
our goal, never fear,
will be nearer next year
(though my wife is becoming suspicious).
"
"""bear a hand,"" cried the mate.  ""over here!""
so i took off a glove with good cheer.
now i'm chained in the brig
in a cell not that big;
so i misunderstood, t'would appear.
"
"so your s's resound off the wall
and your p's, plainly put, just appall?
every breath can be heard?
you'll give up?  that's absurd.
sing across mike?no hisses at all.
"
"my busywork's barely begun,
but it's nothing i need to get done?
it keeps me from sighing
and moping, or dying
of boredom.  (or having much fun.)
"
"do the lumps in your cocoa displease?
did your smoothie unevenly freeze?
get a beverage whisk,
and with stirring that's brisk
you can whip such misfortunes as these.
"
"at mergers we totally rock:
we own every biz on the block.
our latest addition
we beat to submission
through straight acquisition of stock.
"
"if acetylene were to infuse
other compounds, and happened to lose
a proton to metal,  i'd
call it acetylide:
nucleophile you can use.
"
"when something is different, distinct,
to the point where it's not even linked,
it's a horse of bright green
or a kettle piscine
or another-guess (nearly extinct).
"
"abadie's, if you please, is a sign
with a message that's less than divine:
if the eyelids should twitch,
hyperthyroid's the hitch;
if the tendons are numb, check the spine.
"
"this is blackgum;  wood's soft, bark is rough.
though you barely can split the darned stuff
for a rail or a fire,
it has all you'd desire
in a chopping-block, see, 'cause it's tough.
"
"an archerfish shot at me, jim!
i tell you, it could have been grim.
see, he spattered my wing!
man, if i could just sting,
i'd be taking a shot back at him!
"
"first a dactyl, then spondee or trochee;
make it solemn, not bouncy or poky.
if you're struck with the urge
for composing a dirge
an adonic verse suits: it's not hokey.
"
"when topology's math seems to fight us
and it twists and it writhes just to spite us
'til our brains are inflamed,
the affliction is named
very aptly: analysis situs.
"
"a neighboring star is altair;
it has speed of rotation to spare.
if there's life (which i doubt,
though i can't rule it out),
they could listen to sonny and cher.
"
"you've turned my life 'round, have you not?
and you've made me much hotter than hot.
now it takes all my strength
keeping you at arm's length?
i think stalkers like you should be shot!
"
"in the matter of cosmic designs,
many chemists defer to divines
and philosopher sorts
whom they favor with snorts?
but to make a world does take alkynes.
"
"our turkey stood strong at its station
and vanquished thanksgiving starvation,
but its fate we bemoan:
all that's left is the bone.
it has suffered excarnification.
"
"defining the phrase angle bracket?
here follows one way to attack it:
it formerly meant
something metal and bent.
now it's used in the web design racket.
"
"my email has filtering (bayesian);
a statistically useful equa-ti-on
for removing the spam?
every ad, worm, and scam?
nigerian, local, or a-si-an.
"
"arachnoid, in plants, doesn't mean
""like a spider"", from what i can glean;
it means ""fuzzy"", instead,
or ""resembling thread""?
or else ""cobwebby"" (oftentimes green).
"
"he sold snake oil with glib peroration;
left us sick, broke, and full of frustration.
now he's feathered and tarred,
and he cries out, ""it's hard
and unjust, this bituminization!""
"
"here's a great word ? allegorization:
""allegorical interpretation.""
plato's tale of the cave
shows how shadows behave
until thought provides illumination.
"
"the flat butter bean often is seen
in hispanic and southern cuisine:
in your tapas; in stew;
in your succotash, too.
some are whitish, while some are picked green.
"
"what does alligate mean?  be discreet?
it's archaic, and near obsolete.
one might think it meant ""bite"",
but ""to tie or unite""
was its meaning, not ""chew upon meat"".
"
"for big third-degree burns (they're the pits!)
try a skin graft with many small splits:
an accordion graft
may be useful, to craft
a replacement that stretches and fits.
"
"on my shelves, priceless screeds post-exilic
jostle novels with plots imbecilic.
i value them all?
old and new, big and small?
i can't help it.  i'm bibliophilic.
"
"""it's not odd when a dog and a plant elope,""
claimed the collie who married a cantaloupe.
""wifie's preggers with, maybe,
a melon-collie baby,
so she's home with my uncle and antelope.""
"
"archaic words many and various
seem  humorous, odd, or nefarious.
but some that persist
(like alacrious?brisk;
gladly active) fall short of hilarious.
"
"he told us, ""we've ruled out uremia
as the cause of your daughter's anemia,
but the news is not good;
please sit down, if you would.
it's acute lymphoblastic leukemia.""
"
"aloof types are never the sweetest.
it's clear that avoiding them's meetest,
so give them the snub,
and apply for my club:
we're unbendingly antielitist.
"
"an amorous fellow from fife
parked up on a hill with his wife ?
a choice that proved final.
on a slope anticlinal,
your parking brake might save your life!
"
"there is nothing amiss in a nude
when her form's art historically viewed
in a klimt or picasso,
but in clubs in el paso
there's a form of a miss we'd exclude.
"
"ahimelech, sadly, is dead.
to david he served holy bread,
which angered king saul,
and the gist of it all
is: he should have got takeout instead.
"
"there ain't nothing that's under the firmament
like that old antigenic determinant.
its immune specificity
deserves more publicity,
and its place in our hearts should be permanent.
"
"do you think that some swats with my brolly would
make them less anglophobic in hollywood?
must their rogues all be brits?
still, i think that such hits
would not hurt like withholding my lolly would.
"
"there once was a girl from de soto
who noticed a small alcoved photo,
a kind she was new to,
of dad in a tutu:
it amounted to little in toto.
"
"the housekeeper's friend nh3
keeps dwellings bacteria-free.
germs leave me alone if i
always ammonify,
and so do my in-laws ? yippee!
"
"obsessive, asocial, near-mute:
my son just does not give a hoot.
the notion i've gotten
is autism's rotten,
but he is adorably cute.
"
"if you meet with a spook from damnation,
i fear that you'll risk albication,
and should you turn white
from unspeakable fright,
there's no doctor-approved medication.
"
"fig-marigolds?  odds are you've seen 'em.
aizoaceae also can mean 'em.
rockroses and ice plants
(invasive not-nice plants);
ecologists wish they could screen 'em.
"
"i don't want to come off as a critic.
please don't take what i say as acidic:
though i think your buffet
looks delicious (for hay),
my digestion's not cellulolytic.
"
"come and look at this software i bought:
under windows it runs as it ought;
under linux, it's fine;
on a mac, just divine.
it's cross-platform. (its use?  i forgot.)
"
"to analyze codes weak or strong
in hopes you may crack them ere long
is useless, say critics
of cryptanalytics.
(i'm happy to tell you they're wrong.)
"
"here's a chemical test someone planned:
add chlorine to water; let stand;
then note and compare
the residue there.
the difference is chlorine demand.
"
"a jealous young cook i once knew
took care not to give out a clue
to what went in his dishes:
""what's this? it's delicious!""
""it's chemoorganotroph stew.""
"
"your decisions have left you perplexed
and confused, and a little bit vexed,
but don't quit.  persevere.
there's a map.  you are here:
this decision tree shows you what's next.
"
"my job hurts, though it isn't malicious:
i test products both bland and suspicious.
(are they cruelty-free
if they're tested on me?)
well, it pays more than washing the dicious.
"
"""disinfectants,"" clostridium said,
""and the strong antiseptics we've fled,
aren't chemically idle
but bacteriocidal
like antibiotics.  oh dread!""
"
"what i sent you to get was a catfish.
what you brought was a slithery batfish.
you say you'll go fry it?
you're eager to to try it?
you're nuts.  i'm not dining on that fish.
"
"an aide to lord arthur of dale
choked on ice and became rather pale.
said lord arthur, ""i think
i'll add some to my drink,
so that what ails my aide aids my ale.""
"
"an ardent young gravedigger, dirk,
loved mrs. elizabeth burke,
but, meeting rejection,
succumbed to dejection,
and threw himself into his work.
"
"a curvy young airling from wales
applied for a job tracking sales.
when asked, ""can you file?""
she proceeded to smile,
and to hold up ten pretty red nails.
"
"at times i'm so mad that i'm hopping.
my angriness sets my veins popping.
i moan and i curse,
with swear-words diverse,
but my wife does much worse: she goes shopping.
"
"""dear mum, i am not anti-french,
but the place has one hell of a stench,
and i hate the cuisine.
happy 1918!
god, i hope i get out of this trench.""
"
"a shopper says, ""i'm a consumerist,""
and a bookkeeper says, ""i'm a numerist.""
but me, i deride
this appellative pride:
i'm a fool, or a clown, not a ""humorist.""
"
"when my ditties were failing pathetically,
i was told i should think arithmetically.
they said, ""count out the meter,
so the verses run sweeter"":
meter rules are the yardstick, poetically.
"
"i'm autodidactic (self-taught),
well-grounded in all schools of thought.
i've mastered the bard,
and the marquis de sade ?
but i'll never confess if i'm caught.
"
"thy poem doth wax archaistic;
thou apest too much the artistic;
in dotage thy muse
doth strain and confuse;
she maketh thy wit seem simplistic.
"
"what honor it is to illuminate
the pivotal role of albuminate.
it's of the same ilk
as casein in milk:
two proteins upon which to ruminate.
"
"ms. britney, or so it appears,
has insured her behind for some years.
paying late's what she fears:
she hates hearing, ""ms. spears,
your rear's in arrears,"" in 'er ears.
"
"the great gotthold ephraim lessing:
to toastmaster types, what a blessing!
a dramatist notable
for being so quotable,
no matter what group you're addressing.
"
"the antepenultimate syllable
is the fill that makes cavities fillable:
the third from conclusion,
like the trans in transfusion,
and the bill that makes patient-care billable.
"
"we greet joyful surprise with an ""aah,""
like a mom, when her baby says ""ma,""
like a lovebird who's smitten,
like a girl with a kitten,
or like me when i hear, ""open bar.""
"
"though roasted and dressed appetizingly,
her lamb was received most despisingly:
""you heartless barbarian!""
cried her guests (vegetarian),
berating their host agonizingly.
"
"my associate, where can he be?
i'm afraid he reneged on my fee.
he was seen on my yacht.
now the cops fear he's got
""bathymetrically challenged"" at sea.
"
"i'm delighted to say that i've mastered
the appropriate usage of bastard:
it's a person who's bred
by a pair who weren't wed,
but were too much in love?or too plastered.
"
"in a flash, at the drop of a hat,
without further ado, just like that,
in the blink of an eye,
it's that old custard pie,
and your dignity's gone with a splat!
"
"see the moon in the sky as it waxes;
feel the warm tranquil wind that relaxes;
turn and give me your smile
on our paradise isle;
say you love your avoider of taxes.
"
"agrippina at palace turned whore,
then poisoned her hubby; what's more,
this true anti-hero
was mother to nero,
who killed her to settle the score.
"
"for a paper, we gleefully pounce
on a case with high lymphocyte counts,
and with fever, delirium;
chromobacterium
present in massive amounts.
"
"young jack's a poor sailor.  i'll grant he
can sing a respectable chantey,
but he scarce has a spine
and he can't splice a line
and his hygiene is scanter than scanty.
"
"since we grew beyond apehood, we've known
how to sharpen wood, antler, or bone?
but you say you're confused?
an abrading stone's used
first to shape, then to polish and hone.
"
"we're hobbling, footsore and lame,
through devices intended to maim:
with three spikes on the ground,
one points upward, we've found.
(they're called caltrops.)  we're sorry we came.
"
"i presented the board with a notion
that was meant to inspire their devotion:
""let's get rich; cook the books.
who would dare call us crooks?""
but they moved to approve my amotion.
"
"making rainbows?  now that's pretty bright.
you've arrayed all the colors in white.
you can't do that with air
without moisture in there;
air's aclastic: it won't refract light.
"
"he mixed hundred-proof up with a grin,
dripped a few drops of glycerine in,
added juniper juice?
turned it loose for abuse.
was his bathtub the source of this gin?
"
"in terrain, what i like is homogeny;
no folding events or their progeny.
so i stick to the plains
and avoid the remains
of the ancient acadian orogeny.
"
"""a flat-snouted dog?  a disgrace!
for grotesqueness i haven't a place.""
so he said?but the lug
has adopted a pug
and accustomed himself to her face.
"
"surprised by his bride's ardent heat,
the caliph suspected deceit.
""did you come here intact?""
""oh yes, sir! in fact,
your affeerment's the stain on the sheet!""
"
"from a full yard away you can feel
waves of heat from this drill.  its appeal?
many tools, getting hot,
would get dull.  this will not:
that's the beauty of chrome-tungsten steel.
"
"ere we're aged, i hope as we age
that we'll add to our wisdom; grow sage.
we'll enhance and refine
like an aged cheese or wine
and new vistas our minds will engage.
"
"ethan phelps, for as long as he's able,
runs laps round a circular table.
then daftly he bounds
over shrubs in the grounds
of wit's end. (he's remarkably stable.)
"
"as this data flow diagram shows,
the record we're processing flows
from the disc where it's kept.
through our system it's swept,
and then off to the user it goes.
"
"so this cyst's causing all my distress?
it should drain to my stomach?  i guess?
but these cystogastrostomy
photos you tossed to me
look like a terrible mess.
"
"when it's phelpses we start to discuss,
someone's certain to kick up a fuss,
for the folks at wit's end
are so far round the bend
being nuts is an optional plus.
"
"creeping charlie: aggressive?  you bet!
as tenacious a mint as you'll get.
you may wish it were gone
if it's found in your lawn,
though the scent when it's mowed won't upset.
"
"in physics, i'm quite the contrarian;
to colleagues, i'm just a barbarian.
but these ""atoms""?they seem
like a feverish dream,
which makes me a corpuscularian.
"
"bearing colours from brownish to green,
in old bottles it's frequently seen.
once useful and thrifty,
now valued as nifty:
collectors find bottle glass keen.
"
"bored with cabbage that comes to a head?
still want slaw?  then try colewort instead.
it's tasty and crunchy
with flat leaves (or bunchy)
in colours from green to deep red.
"
"my afflictedness causes despair.
i've a notion to tear out my hair.
you don't know how i feel ?
they just served my last meal,
and the warden forgot my ?clair.
"
"the queen of the nile went to caesar
concealed in a rug ? what a teaser!
she rolled out pre-stripped,
and cheekily quipped:
""my roll is to be an appeaser.""
"
"anomalousness, without doubt,
is a feature that makes things stand out,
like a sheep that can type,
or a cow with a pipe,
or a girlfriend who's not known to pout.
"
"how we mourned our australian terrier
on that day we at last had to bury 'er.
our gray canine chum
left us downcast and glum,
and the mailman decidedly merrier.
"
"feeling dizzy, lightheaded and faint?
then you're either in love or you ain't.
if your heart's not aglow,
to a doctor please go,
for you must have some lesser complaint.
"
"affectionateness is a virtue
to which i would like to alert you.
it's rather like gin:
too much does you in,
but i don't think a little would hurt you.
"
"in this life, i'm an also ran (loser!).
i'm in love with my foster's can (boozer!).
i'm the ball, not the bat;
fate's great foot squashed me flat.
that's my theme: i'm a python fan (sousa!).
"
"alongside some cad at the light,
i sat on my ostrich last night.
the jerk plucked a feather
(an offense he thought clever),
so i gave him the bird.  was i right?
"
"an akka's a spirit or witch,
or a town with a wall and a ditch,
or, if you can dig me,
an african pygmy.
that palindrome knows how to switch!
"
"if a lizard or worm's in a spot,
then self-amputation's its lot.
for they're both quite autotomous,
but the great hippopotamus,
though he rhymes,
to be honest,
is not.
"
"?ngstr?m's law is a simple decree:
if green light's absorbance we see
and the same substance glows
(gives off light, i suppose)
its emission the same green must be.
"
"if you've trivial knowledge to flaunt
but you'll never become a savant?
if your scholarship flits
and your learning's in bits?
you may merit the term dilettante.
"
"""this amphora's priceless?no joke,""
says the curator, starting to choke.
""it was used years ago!""
but what i'd like to know:
if it's used, why's he care that it broke?
"
"my braid scots is peculiar, you say;
i don't speak in the usual way.
ye're not a' wrang, i grant,
but it's backwart, your rant,
for the standard has gane aff agley.
"
"we have data on characteristics
of mouse genes, but lacking heuristics
to analyze links
between patterns, methinks
we should learn about biostatistics.
"
"yipe!  backstroking beetle attack!
it's mistaken my leg for a snack.
wow, that stings?i can see
why it's called ""water bee.""
hope that backswimmer doesn't swim back!
"
"is your licorice fishy today?
it's ammonium chloride, i'd say.
danes add this vile flavor
in hopes we won't savor
their candies and steal them away.
"
"he has shag from his crown to the floor
and he wears just a baldric, no more,
or a big bandolier.
we revile or revere:
this chewbacca guy's hard to ignore.
"
"the horsehead, the coalsack, the snake,
and the e are all dark, no mistake.
though they block out the light
of some stars, it's all right:
they're the ovens where newer stars bake.
"
"an aerophone?noisy when blown?
must be played with some care for good tone;
there's no clamor as sad
and melodically bad
as a flatulent flute or trombone.
"
"""acknowledgedly, errors were made,
and a lack of due foresight displayed,
so i pledge, in this letter,
i shall try to do better
with my next light crimean brigade.""
"
"there is much to be said for ambitiousness
when it's not marred by greed or by viciousness,
but to triumph through terror
is a vile moral error,
though there would be a certain deliciousness . . .
"
"an adventurous fellow from lawrence
took a ride on a plane to see florence,
but his high expectation
turned to sheer devastation
when she met him with utter abhorrence.
"
"""your chart says your blood type is a,""
said the pretty lead nurse, sister faye.
but i answered her, ""no,
i'm quite sure i'm type o?
that type a is a typo, i say.""
"
"the kooters' third son was named ray.
when he offered to marry young faye,
she replied loud and clear,
""yes, i'll take you my dear,
but your agnomination? no way!""
"
"if your car were in britain you could
say bonnet and be understood,
but do not talk that way
if you're in east l.a.?
it's just not the right word for that hood.
"
"an apologizer shows some regret
if he does things that cause you to sweat,
like drinking your beer
and suggesting you're ""queer"",
then inviting you out to the met.
"
"he's working for me and for you
in a job that the locals won't do;
he's that guy at the store
who's employed while-u-snore?
springfield's kwik-e-mart owner, apu.
"
"if we take my new camera from sears,
we can shoot at sauzon once it clears;
then cancale, by the sea,
and le croisic makes three?
we'll have photos of brittany's piers.
"
"a tightrope performer named jenny
said, ""nets? i refuse to use any.""
but, making a wave,
she tumbled and gave
one breathless performance too many.
"
"in a thunderstorm, dear uncle bart
was struck down playing ""how great thou art""
for good cheer, far from home,
on his new metal comb ?
an ironical way to depart.
"
"the acarus folliculorum?
pat robertson wants to outlaw 'em.
these bisexual mites
get their sinful delights
up our noses (but me, i ignore 'em).
"
"when the cops caught a thrill-seeking nun
who robbed banks with a gun that could stun,
i read of her run
from a bit in the sun:
""one stun-gun nun fun run undone"".
"
"george best went through all of his bread,
and found himself deep in the red.
he confirmed he'd spent masses
on drink, cars and lasses?
""the rest i just squandered,"" he said.
"
"all the best beauty contests now aim
to match glamor with brains, so they claim.
so a thirty-eight chest,
i suppose, could suggest
an iq score that's close to the same.
"
"when jehovah had something to say
to mary, he sent down her way
angel-messenger gabe,
who predicted a babe?
but no holy roll in the hay.
"
"do you think a new bridge would be swell?
need some railways and steamships as well?
got a hill?  he'll bore through it.
only one man can do it:
he's isambard kingdom brunel.
"
"if you suffer abrachiocephalia,
don't let negative thinking derail yer.
though you've no arms or head,
you'll feel great once you've read
this delightful brochure that i'll mail yer.
"
"""i'm an arrhenothigmophilous dame
and i long to live up to that name,""
said pretty young joan,
yet she slept all alone?
her abstruse choice of words was to blame.
"
"there's a cult leader living in wales
who sleeps on a sharp bed of nails.
you'd think at some juncture
he'd suffer a puncture,
but his novice beneath never fails.
"
"my antidepression drug's great.
i used to be sad and sedate,
now i'm smiley and perky ?
in love with a turkey!
best quit it before it's too late.
"
"to quote from the ex-mrs. boyer:
""divorce is the greatest annoyer;
if i simply dropped dead
pleasant things would be said,
and my priest wouldn't charge like my lawyer.""
"
"agis 1: spartan myth. don't you know?
agis 2: subdued athens. good show!
agis 3: fought and wrangled.
agis 4: he got strangled,
with his mom and his granny. tough blow!
"
"the languages austroasiatic
would make a keen linguist ecstatic.
what joy to explore
a full hundred and more ?
all awesomely idiomatic!
"
"most modern composers avoid
old methods we've always enjoyed,
but no grudge do i harbor
for samuel barber:
he's almost as good as pink floyd.
"
"in the garden stood laura and ed.
""please be mine,"" he adoringly said,
""though i've no diamond ring,
it's my heart that i bring!""
then a club from her spade struck him dead.
"
"alluringly, potiphar's missus
would wink at the lad and blow kisses,
but when he said, ""no!""
off to prison went joe,
thinking, ""fine case for abstinence this is.""
"
"we have made our whole house automatable.
yet the project's success is debatable.
we have robot au pairs,
and use jetpacks, not stairs,
but we can't get insured: we're unrateable.
"
"bohemianism's intention
is to live unrestrained by convention
with a privileged few
and create something new?
but just what?  that's too touchy to mention!
"
"affirmativeness?what a word!
there's a reason it's not often heard,
because ""joyful assent,""
not ""insistence,"" is meant:
you must gladly agree that's absurd.
"
"she amiably beckons with, ""hi!
how pleasant that you should drop by,""
which bolsters his pride,
but, sadly, she's lied,
for the lady's a spider?poor fly!
"
"celestial-minded theologists
are apt to become angelologists
who neglect earthly things
to seek beings with wings
that elude our mundane ornithologists.
"
"of the high anglo-catholic religion
i have managed to learn just a smidgeon.
there's one essence, you see,
but its persons are three:
there's a father, a son, and a pigeon.
"
"the spider alit by miss muffet
asking, ""why can't we both share the tuffet?
we'll eat curds and whey
together.  what say?""
but miss muffet said, ""my tuffet?  stuff it!""
"
"when auto meets intoxication
there's a chance of some great devastation.
viewed apart? dui.
and together? oh my,
self-made toxins might cause your cessation.
"
"affordability, that is the key,
so i'm not quite as choosy as she.
""fine wines and ballet?
who needs them?"" i say,
""when there's kool-aid with gin, and tv?""
"
"an alphabetizer, miss miller,
declared, ""who needs c? it's just filler!
i'll cast it away,
and just use s or k.""
but, alas, who knew scurvy would kill 'er?
"
"of two biblical towns named achzib
there was not very much i could crib,
and don't deign to ask me
what it means, for you see,
that would force me to tell you ""a fib.""
"
"to my wife, as she kindly attended,
i said, ""dear, my damned ass pain's not ended.""
so she called dr. page,
who declared, ""it's 'roid rage?
anal-gesic is what's recommended.""
"
"tall and handsome, he hinted with charm
that the tryst ""couldn't do any harm.""
the allurement was strong
but she felt it was wrong,
for he smelt like her granddaddy's farm.
"
"collecting what's cacodemonic's
a passion of young lizzie connick's.
her aunt, a strict quaker,
sobbed, ""satan will take 'er?
he's gotten her hooked on chthonics.""
"
"there was a young lady from quetta
who sped through new york in her jetta.
she said, ""i dislike
all these potholes i strike:
balochistan's streets are much better.""
"
"i've blasphemed: my late grandmother's home
boasts a statue of christ (brought from rome).
as a statement, it's bold,
so, to get the house sold,
i have dressed up our lord as a gnome.
"
"a call-center worker named ray
found a bangalore bride just last may:
he gave her a kiss,
then declared, ""wedded bliss?
i've just outsourced my in-laws away!""
"
"""i'm a biblical beast of mean tricks
with a deadline that no one can nix.
i wish nobody well
as i rise up from hell:
for some kicks, i'm en route (666).""
"
"we once had a tomcat named liam,
and goldfish?he sure loved to see 'em!
although he just purred,
we all quickly inferred
that his motto was this: carpe diem.
"
"the blow torch or blowlamp's amazing
for soldering, melting, or brazing,
but i heard from the sarge
that it's thought by and large
to be ""over the top"" for a hazing.
"
"a cloning researcher named debra
mixed some french dna with some zebra.
she created a foal
with an angst-ridden soul?
a stripy, bereted cause c?l?bre.
"
"let's hear it for dear warren buffett,
who sees we're not doing enough.  it
will help many millions,
his thirty-one billions.
with only six left, he can rough it!
"
"young victoria, the maid, feels frustration:
she's betrothed to a handsome croatian;
but her dress will be plain,
and she won't have a train,
which i blame on victoria's station.
"
"a slouching young weakling from purley
began to get up bright and early,
to exercise hard
in his little back yard,
and began to get upright and burly.
"
"the wool of the yak is the best,
but the carders are very hard-pressed.
they must know when to stop,
or in summer they'll drop,
wrestling yak-carder card-yak arrest.
"
"there was a carthusian prior
who declared, ""guys, i'd like to retire.""
said a monk, ""how inspiring!
to retire from retiring
was aspired to by no prior friar.""
"
"i fondly recall uncle jake
and the balsa wood planes that he'd make.
he had always a smile
and a chisel or file?
let's hope folsom allows him this cake.
"
"a lady named eleanor mackie
said, ""isn't society wacky?
brass trimmings, i'm told,
are much cheaper than gold,
but they're really not nearly as tacky.""
"
"there was a young lady named sturkey
who swam like an overweight turkey,
which was not well advised?
for her sailboat capsized,
and at this point her story gets murky.
"
"anti-natalist trends underrate
the importance of mum to the state.
when the fashion's to be
unencumbered and free,
mum is frowned on as quite out of date.
"
"if your prose meets a dubious junction,
should you pause or press on? such compunction!
don't let sentences roll on?
use your semi; or colon:
the compliments form pays to function.
"
"give it thought and i'm sure you'll agree
that our candidates need one more e.
are they candid?  no way!
all the words that they say
only ever sound candied to me.
"
"carry on, oh camp comics, i say!
like charles hawtrey, supreme in his day;
kenneth williams and team;
frankie howerd?a scream!
up the jungle!  up yours!  up pompeii!
"
"two earthworms met up underground.
said one, ""this whole lifestyle's unsound;
our annelid phylum
could use an asylum.""
utopians ? how they expound!
"
"a keen annotator went through
each syllable of a haiku.
with care seldom seen,
he glossed all seventeen
(it took ninety-four thousand and two).
"
"a bold-hearted madman named cassity
confronted his docs with audacity.
he stood on his head
and drank six watney's red
as a proof of his mental capacity.
"
"an old british justice named glover
once murdered his wife and her lover.
a clue was then found:
his wig on the ground!
but you can't book a judge by his cover.
"
"if i anacoluthically speak,
my syntax is needing a tweak.
did i sharply change tense?
will that make me seem dense?
or is it effect that i seek?
"
"has boxing day finally come?
all that christmas unrest leaves me numb,
but the next day is dear,
with its telly and beer?
i do little but sit on my bum.
"
"anthony charles lynton blair:
he just keeps hanging on by a hair.
i read of elections,
defeats, and defections?
but, whenever i check, he's still there!
"
"i think ambushing people's an art:
you must not make a sound from the start,
but bad-ass banditos
eat beans and burritos?
what skill it must take not to fart!
"
"a rather dumb blonde from vienna
grew potted alcanna for henna.
now her hair's reddish brown
and she's moved out of town
to teach postmodern thought in siena.
"
"i once met a cop from st. louis i'd
describe as a staunch antisuicide.
slashed wrists, splattered brains,
and leaps out of trains,
he'd found had results on the gooey side.
"
"there once was a dance called the bump
that was based upon swinging your rump.
it was big at the disco
from new york to frisco?
its inventor?  perhaps forrest gump?
"
"""have a butcher's at these plates of meat""
isn't talk about joints that you'll eat;
it's what londoners say
when they've walked a long way,
and it simply means: ""look at these feet!""
"
"are your guests rageaholics from hell?
calming camomile tea soothes them well.
i'll be sending that beverage
to dame edna everage
for barry and russell and mel.
"
"i adore miss ayeesha mccale,
for her brazenness shocks without fail.
she's the muslim who's dressy,
and as scottish as nessie,
in her eye-catching full tartan veil!
"
"a coven of witches in crewe
makes a very fine anglican stew:
boil 'em up, let 'em thicken
and they taste just like wiccan?
you can get them in bulk, by the pew!
"
"an appreciator wrote to relate
that, ""those guys at the zoo were just great!
their comical skills
brought us action-packed thrills:
they're penguins ? who cares they're not straight?""
"
"if tinkerbell's mom tells her fairy tales,
do hairdressers tell their kids hairy tales?
do vampires tell scary tales?
do grizzlies tell beary tales?
do guernseys with calves tell them dairy tales?
"
"there once was a blonde named miss myatt,
who said, ""i've just found a new diet.
this posh magazine,
says that carbon 14
gets you dates?girl, i can't wait to try it!""
"
"said x (a cartesian coordinate)
to y, ""damn this graph! we're both boredinate.
would one more dimension
help break up the tension?
or would we be just overawedinate?""
"
"my girlfriend, how can i persuade 'er
i'm really the famed caped crusader?
i said, ""come and visit
my cave; it's exquisite""?
the offer, though, somehow dismayed 'er.
"
"she thought her barefootedness chic
when she went off to woodstock that week,
but the revels and drink
caused that chick to rethink
when barf-footedness spoiled the mystique.
"
"a cadaver, a scowl on its face,
sneered, ""i'd not be caught dead in this place!
the service is dismal,
the food is abysmal,
and the worms here don't even say grace!""
"
"we hired a young canner named fanny
who pulled out a goatskull (a nanny)
from her sandwich container
shouting, ""look?a no-brainer!""
we fired her at once (too uncanny).
"
"""cash or check?""  kiss me now?  kiss me later?
would be asked of a ""dame"" when you'd date her
in the 20s, back when
all the bimbos were men,
and a gal was a ""doll"" or ""tomater.""
"
"to discover life's purpose you yearn?
mr. bennet has words you should learn:
our lives are, in short,
to give other folks sport,
""and to make fun of them in our turn.""
"
"if i suffer a fracture, i beg
for a famed orthopedist named meg.
the treatment is swell,
but expensive as hell?
she cast me an arm and a leg.
"
"two babies named maggie and lenny,
distinct as two sides of a penny,
both blue (in a way)
were born the same day,
but their features in common weren't many.
"
"i don't care for thrillers that frighten
or tomes that are meant to enlighten.
just bring me a body
who'll read me some noddy:
it's scandal i crave?enid blyton.
"
"all this black-on-black crime must not be?
go and mug someone white (just not me!),
but i really am fond
of the old blonde on blonde
(no, of course not the porn, the cd).
"
"the people of berwick-on-tweed
are not fighting with russia, agreed?
for, to settle the case,
there's a treaty in place,
so that russians won't panic?no need!
"
"there was a collector named otto
who bought an expensive old giotto,
which he hung on the wall
as a warning to all,
saying: ""don't go to auctions when blotto.""
"
"a-piratin', mateys, let's go!
a-sea on the waves high and low ?
a-sailin', a-lootin',
a-burnin', a-shootin' ?
then we'll all rush a-shore, land a ho.
"
"""let's throw the bums out?they must go!""
cried an anti-incumbent named joe.
""their corruption i spurn;
i demand a return
to those jerks we had four years ago.""
"
"there was a fat nazi named hermann
who proved that old maxim of sherman
by bombing at night,
which was most impolite,
and was apt to make brits anti-german.
"
"a stunt aviatrix (girl flier)
came down in a swamp deep and dire.
she was lunch for a croc,
but the studio's doc
called it ""death from consumption"" (the liar).
"
"old women succumb to anility
(a loss of their mental ability).
so find them good nurses,
but don't touch their purses
(they fight with a splendid hostility).
"
"the eighteenth amendment's wise ending
re-authorized alcohol spending,
for a man's dissolution
mars his own constitution,
and it's that one that needs some amending.
"
"though clearly a failure esthetically,
the opus was viewed sympathetically
by old mr. prewett,
who soundly slept through it,
and found it ideal, anesthetically.
"
"a speedy young chauffeur named kottle
drove over a cliff at full throttle
to boldly avoid
a huge asteroid,
but that bastard, his boss, blamed the bottle.
"
"the mice here behave aggravatingly.
they've watched tom and jerry, frustratingly.
as they tiptoe around
all my traps on the ground,
i'm left baiting their bane unabatingly.
"
"there are three thousand girls in distress
kept as captives at usps,
where the postmaster hides
all the mail-order brides
that were lacking a proper address.
"
"there was a young fellow of putney
who would eat only lentils and chutney.
he drove off in his car
to patnar in bihar,
where he died of unspeakable glutney.
"
"i'm convinced arranged marriage is hell,
for my fat, toothless bride is no belle.
since i fried dad's pc,
he brought zit-face to me
and said, ""dude, you are getting adele!""
"
"there was a black widow named janet
who buried twelve husbands in granite.
when they asked how she pled,
she just giggled and said:
""well, it can't be coincidence, can it?""
"
"bilingual's the right kind of ed
to ensure our six kids get ahead.
there's no english allowed
in our home?we are proud
to speak klingon and elvish instead.
"
"my life is cartoonishly harried.
all my schemes have bizarrely miscarried:
no respect and no wealth,
but i still have my health
and that blue-haired girl marge that i married.
"
"assisting a suicide's fate
is something all faiths seem to hate:
is god, the creator,
some prickly head waiter
who freaks if you send back your plate?
"
"my exorcist's task was infernal?
how to rescue my spirit eternal?
for the devils were strong!
yet, he cast out the throng
by reciting the whole wall street journal.
"
"i'm george washington carver-obsessed
but my children say, ""give it a rest!
every meal that we eat
is some crazed 'peanut treat'?
we demand a paternity test!""
"
"a cadaver once said with a squirm,
""so, i've come to the end of my term?
at this place where i said
i would not be caught dead,
i've become a boxed lunch for a worm.""
"
"lord, we finally got into canaan,
but we think you should do some explanaan.
forty years isn't funny:
where's the milk?  where's the honey?
where's the benefits promised in tranaan?
"
"caesarion's mother, it's plain,
had grandiose plans in her brain:
""little caesar, my child!
i've delivered,"" she smiled?
""i'll make him the first in a chain.""
"
"there was a young plumber of reading,
who arrived with blotched skin at his wedding:
""i'm sorry,"" he said,
""if my face is all red,
it's because of the lyes folks are spreading.""
"
"mcdonalds owes much, we must own,
to the land of the loire and the rhone:
for burghers, they say,
got their break in calais,
and the best-known french fry was saint joan.
"
"the bride woke with great apprehension.
said the bell boy beside, ""i should mention
that before his drunk fall
your new husband did call?
he said, 'give my sweet special attention.'""
"
"the in-crowd from cassiopeia
visit england in spaceships each yeia.
do you want to know why?
it's the one place nearby
where they still can get decent warm beia.
"
"our high school production of hair
was stopped on account of aunt clare.
she yelled, ""blasphemy! blasphemy!
that's way too much ass fuh me!""
and the cast found it too much to bear.
"
"use blooming or blinking for bloody.
employ it when life gets too cruddy!
then, good god almighty,
those blighters from blighty
will think you're a ruddy good buddy.
"
"ankylostomiasis cases
come from working in tight, soily spaces,
as hookworms infestin'
mistake your intestine
for some kind of bloody oasis.
"
"there once was a baker of pie
whose flavors were praised far and nigh.
mrs. lovett's meat filling
helped her make quite a killing,
with her barbering boyfriend nearby.
"
"there was a young beauty named belle
who awoke to a horrible smell.
when she searched through the yard,
what she found hit her hard?
her poor beast had got stuck down the well.
"
"my tale has a gorgeous young hooker,
but a cannibal tribe wants to cook her.
then a pirate attack
wins the heroine back?
it's a shoo-in, mum says, for a booker.
"
"said the actress to the bishop of bath:
""i'll try anything, dear, for a laugh.
what's your favorite position?""
his reply roused suspicion?
it was, ""three sixty nine and a half.""
"
"young annette and her dear husband brett
were the best big-top acrobats yet.
it was all going well
till the night that brett fell?
now there's just an annette (and a net).
"
"a catwoman lover named geri
was drowned near the manhattan ferry.
she leapt for the sky
from a balcony high,
shouting: ""hey!  look at me?halle berry!""
"
"at the limerick zoo, right at three,
i shall meter, i've promised, for tea.
but she is not around?
love runs always aground.
and an ape sticks his tongue out at me!
"
"""now listen, you boys!  hold your giggles,
while i read you the exploits of biggles.
in my day, the white fokker
was in each schoolboy's locker?
and he's ten times as butch as those wiggles.""
"
"our obsessed new executive, newman,
says the cubicles have too much room 'n.
he's a man of decision
consumed by a vision:
a battery farm for the human.
"
"there's a paradox frequently seen
that concerns the ""adult"" magazine:
it's a feast for the eyes
that a great many guys
look at only until they're eighteen.
"
"in the hills out in tamil nadu
there are so many fun things to do,
like badaga scrabble,
but don't let the rabble
make a kannada goose out of you.
"
"each mother's conviction is firm:
it's a genius she's carried to term,
and it just might be true,
since all pregnancy's due
to the ova achievers (the sperm).
"
"bottoms up is a phrase you can use
when in britain, before drinking booze,
for it's not about arses,
but the bottoms of glarses?
so there's really no need to ask, ""whose?""
"
"there once was a girl from capri
who cut off her pants near the knee,
but she did not intend
to begin a new trend?
she just longed to go wade in the sea.
"
"from st. peter's basilica, rome:
""maisy loved michelangelo's dome?
wants to cart it away
piece by piece to la?
for her tupperware parties back home.""
"
"those observers who work on the hubble come
to develop strange thoughts that can trouble some:
from the big bang till now
things expanded, but how?
is the universe string? or just bubble gum?
"
"an extremely slim model, miss slater,
was attacked by a cayman that ate 'er.
said her trainer, ""tough deal!
what a horrible meal?
we should throw it some greens and potater.""
"
"alternativeness of abode
has long been my natural mode.
i'm found far and nigh
in climes wet and dry.
i move around freely: i'm toad.
"
"a painstaking fellow named frye
would not let an error slip by.
his care was fantastic:
asked, ""paper or plastic?""
he took seven weeks to reply.
"
"there once was a fellow named finney
who hated to see people skinny,
which i think best explains
why he left his remains
to a cannibal tribe in new guinea.
"
"acetylsalicylate pills
are not to be taken for thrills.
you won't kiss the sky,
or even get high:
they're asp'rin for down-to-earth ills.
"
"there once was a lady named anna
who was known to the lord as his ""nana.""
when saint mary was tired,
she was often required
to mash up god's peas and his manna.
"
"with the pagans invaidan, blockaidan,
at bamburgh all hope was fast faidan,
but faith was displaidan
the prayers so persuaidan
of aidan, evaidan a raidan.
"
"my abstinent girlfriend, enola,
loves whiskey and price chopper cola.
we drink until one
and have riotous fun
watching reruns of charlie and lola.
"
"captain tapped on tink's shoulder and took her
aside, saying, ""sure, i'm no looker,
but a pirate who's witty,
like a woman who's pretty,
can do fiendishly well as a hooker.""
"
"the captcha's the name for the box
that you have to fill in to outfox
those machines that send spam
that is linked to some scam
made to swindle you down to your socks.
"
"there is a young man from america
who adores a fine lady named erika.
though to most she would rate
just a 7 or 8,
in his eyes she's a 10?a bo dereker!
"
"there lives an old man in beijing
who thinks he's a bird on the wing.
he once climbed a steeple,
which scared all the people,
so they've caged him and taught him to sing.
"
"there once was a lady named hurst
who always expected the worst.
when she won a big jackpot,
she wailed like a crackpot:
""i'm ruined!  my bubble's been burst!""
"
"it is clear that our city is tops,
though it's not for the culture or shops:
our small population
is leading the nation
when it comes to appearing on cops.
"
"my marriage has caused me remorse.
our home's on a fault (well, of course!).
the fault's set to burst?
i'm expecting the worst,
but at least there's still no-fault divorce.
"
"i hang mary cassatts in my flat,
by america's famous ex-pat.
she could paint works of art
that would touch any heart?
like that pretty young mom and her brat.
"
"an entrepreneurial chap
invented a black basalt cap,
but a cracked skull in testing
compelled his arresting?
on a basalt and hattery rap.
"
"""allopathical quacks, what do they know?""
scoffed a self-assured lady from plano.
""the solution is clear:
we'll cure dad's diarrhea
with a minuscule serving of drano!""
"
"""all appeals to authority are
simply worthless,"" said doctor lebar,
""so if i drive astray,
i do not ask the way?
i sit there and curse at my car.""
"
"an ingenious bird is the blue tit.
let us pause for a while to salute it.
in its soul, it will dream
about greenflies and cream,
because hot chicken soup doesn't suit it.
"
"a budding young buddhist named guy
signed up as a monk on the sly,
but his dear mother lana
said, ""what's this nirvana?
will someone be losing an i?""
"
"it was quite a nostalgic delight
as they played ccr half the night:
songs like ""who'll stop lorraine?""
and that puzzling refrain
that goes, ""theeeeeere's a bath room on the right.""
"
"there once was a reindeer called comet
who wasn't successful?far from it!
though confections were banned, he
would eat all the candy:
down every third chimney, he'd vomit.
"
"baghdad's medical school gave instruction
in state-of-the-art liposuction,
but was blown to damnation
for proliferation
of weapons of ass mass reduction.
"
"now, one is called ""rovers,"" you say?
and the other one ""city""?okay!
they should both get a cup,
for i've made my mind up:
that's a great pair of bristols?hooray!
"
"meet justin, insurance fraud buster?
chiropractical bills, by the cluster,
he just stamps: ""quack"" ""quack"" ""quack"".
then he sends them all back,
signed by, ""justin, adjuster adjustor.""
"
"the great roland barthes wrote to vent
on the myth of authorial intent,
for that cannot be known,
as he clearly has shown
(though we clearly can't know what he meant).
"
"there was a young lady of bow
who'd ""tea leaf"" wherever she'd go.
i thought i'd advise 'er
to read for eliza:
i did?now she's stolen the show!
"
"there was once a young cleric from brie
who encountered a maid named marie.
he solicited, ""please,
could we go make some cheese?""
so they made camembert. (she said ""oui."")
"
"""aromatherapeutics,"" said pat,
""will perk up our health just like that!""
but her husband resents
spending dollars on scents:
""darling, frankly, i just smell a rat.""
"
"surgeon general's a tough thing to be.
just ask richard carmona, you'll see.
he is plagued every day
by crank callers, who say:
""oh my god, it's the dubya m.d.""
"
"if ashley and sweet mary-kate
were to live in a caliphate state,
they'd be hidden by veils,
and their video sales
would be peaking at seven or eight!
"
"remote diagnosis?  i'm cynical.
though medicine's reached quite a pinnacle,
perhaps quackery will
send our healthcare downhill
on an anticline most anticlinical.
"
"half-british, half-german, hans durst
has a wife who is ready to burst,
for his meals drive her bats?
one day cod, next day brats.
she has married for batter, for wurst.
"
"it's hard for those chicks on the catwalk
that the predator playboy and brat stalk:
it's no cakewalk at all,
as the world plots your fall,
spouting ""is-she-too-thin-or-too-fat?"" talk.
"
"listen here, i'll propose something to ya:
we could trademark the word allelujah.
my lawyer, joe isthmus,
could do it by christmas?
then we tell people, ""sing it?  we'll sue ya!""
"
"adamians, who thought it was fine
to sit in the buff and drink wine,
to the church's ""don't dare!""
said, ""it's human to wear,
but foregoing is starkly divine.""
"
"a thing that would sure make me gape, man,
is the sight of a well-preserved ape man.
they must have a few,
but they hide them from view:
that's government ? too much red tape, man.
"
"at lunchtime today i was bent on
composing a ditty on trenton,
but could not find a rhyme?
like that earlier time,
when i gave up on thomas hart benton.
"
"there once was a self-searching pole
who discovered a hole in his soul,
but his hopes were not sunk?
he became a zen monk,
and he filled it with one empty bowl.
"
"i went to see reverend nathaniel
with my cavalier king charles spaniel,
but the dog is a smelly 'un
and acted cromwellian
by devouring the whole book of daniel.
"
"as tv shows reach sagittarius,
the alien revenge plans are various,
like bombarding our planet
with re-runs of janet
on super bowl sunday?nefarious!
"
"a cross-dressing dancer, named dan,
longed to dance as a girl, not a man.
in a petticoat pink
he auditioned?wink, wink,
can he cannily can-can?  dan can!
"
"poor adalbert should have known better.
""lord jesus has sent me a letter!""
he said, but the pope
and the council said, ""nope!""
then they sent out for some type of fetter.
"
"celebrities long in the tooth
seek wisdom in place of lost youth.
both vain and illogical,
they choose anagogical
paths to convenient ""truth.""
"
"when we meet comrade stalin, our host,
we compete: who can flatter him most?
for we hope what is said
will convey how we're bred,
and might stop him from making us toast.
"
"my ex is as cute as a cupcake
but, moneywise, slow on the uptake:
her heated affair
with my baker, pierre,
has left her divorced with pre-nupped ache.
"
"if humans were one ?ngstr?m tall,
i would stack them (six billion in all),
perpendicular style,
in a two-foot-high pile
(after all, that's not too far to fall).
"
"in affirmative tone, dr. boyce
announced with a very loud voice,
""it's as plain as can be,
we were born to be free:
it's genetic ? there's simply no choice.""
"
"bewick's swans will stay mated for life,
just a cob and his trouble and strife:
unrepentant romantics,
swans eschew kinky antics
(back in sparta, though, rumors were rife).
"
"the archaic afront means ""afore.""
it's not an ""affront"" (one f more),
so don't blow your stack,
or be taken aback,
for afront was ""in front"" (but before).
"
"to apostatize means to depart
from the faith that you had at the start.
then the ones who abide
can discuss your false pride,
and your stubborn, iniquitous heart.
"
"""so, oedilf is your hobby now, danica?
have you chosen a topic?  britannica!
keep it brief and concise.
'book of reference'?that's nice!
but it simply does not rhyme with channukkah.""
"
"as architects, we're the bee's knees.
we add curves to our columns with ease,
but we hear yours have crumbled,
and thus we are humbled?
accept our apophyges, please.
"
"""that barmaid called mabel,"" said bert,
""is the sort what's as common as dirt:
a foul-mouthed young hussy,
who ain't none too fussy?
that's what i calls 'a nice piece of skirt.'""
"
"eric bloodaxe, the viking, once roared:
""go and fetch a good cobbler on board!
i'm equipped, and i'm oared,
and can handle my sword,
but i just cannot sandal my horde.""
"
"don't get yourself into a fluster,
or think that his fate will lack luster:
though he took quite a tumble,
there's no need to grumble?
mrs. keaton, your baby's a buster.
"
"said the ceiling one night to the floor,
""oh, how sweetly you lie, mon amour,
in your carpet so fine.
let us flee!  please be mine!""
come the day, they'd eloped through the door.
"
"""i rejoice that i'm not a spittoon,""
said a pious young bog roll named june,
""though my life is sheer hell,
with those sounds, and that smell,
i thank god that it's over so soon.""
"
"""my balinese cat,"" said miss burr,
""seems to hiss and to scratch, but not purr.
she attacks my new throw!
she's a nasty fur foe
when she's eager to hunt my faux fur.""
"
"this invention is just what we need.
our computers can't match it for speed:
access files in a flash
from a source that won't crash,
called a cabinet?progress indeed!
"
"there was a young fellow named horace
who worshipped keith moon and chuck norris.
he gained expertise
smashing plates and tvs,
then he beat up a spider named boris.
"
"the captain said, ""beam us up, scotty?
i'm afraid and i want to go potty!
we've been trapped by a klingon
who hasn't a thing on,
and he seems to think spock is a hottie.""
"
"the family inn of the benders
is a home to some wicked offenders:
there's a hidden trap door
and you're dropped through the floor,
then your soul is returned to its sender's.
"
"my beloved declared me a ""chump""
and returned my bouquet with a thump.
i was caught unawares
and i tumbled downstairs,
going bumpety bumpety bump.
"
"there's a tune that is certain to please at
any place you can tinkle the keys at;
so many a showman
thanks euday l. bowman
for a rag that is nothing to sneeze at.
"
"i had just read sports weekly in full,
when my pal gave my sleeve a sharp pull.
he whispered, ""look, gordon,
it's him ? michael jordan!""
so i waved the read rag at the bull.
"
"if your good-natured chum's in a jam
(tangled up in some infamous scam),
to account for his fall
there's a way you'll recall:
blame a woman!, er, cherchez la femme!
"
"there was once a gay bouncer named bubba
whose truncheon was made out of rubber.
if a night-clubbing lass
ever fondled his ass,
he'd put clubber to clubber and club 'er.
"
"an outraged astigmata mite
declared, ""we must put up a fight!
for the rights of us bugs
can't be swept under rugs:
we outnumber them, brothers, unite!""
"
"the faith that is called christianity
might help rescue the world from insanity
if each member would labor
to help out his neighbor
and reject superstitious inanity.
"
"a businessman father said, ""sonny,
it's for you i'm away making money:
so you'll have a big pool,
and a very fine school,
and your next mom won't look like bugs bunny.""
"
"a cultist beseeching his maker
was shot full of holes at god's acre.
it was known with good reason
as the ""crime of the season""?
they assaulted and peppered a shaker.
"
"my words don't seem witless or pat in
the language of classical latin.
since i sound so refined,
people envy my mind
every night when i'm calling the cat in.
"
"the boskops?an eggheaded race
with a very huge brain and cute face?
were enthralled by pure thought,
so for sex they cared nought:
thus we bozos have taken their place.
"
"an agnosic old husband named croker
mistook his thin wife for a poker.
when he stoked, all her hair
came ablaze then and there,
so he chose in his mocha to soak her.
"
"there's a bold bar-tailed godwit that flew
seven thousand long miles through the blue,
without even one stop?
what a record to top!
and it's not just a bar tale, it's true.
"
"cartesianism, what sport!
he might not be as great as we're taught.
he just thought that he was,
and he thought that way 'cause
he just thought that he was 'cause he thought.
"
"a cambridgeshire preacher for jesus
converts lots of downhearted geezers:
they've tremendous affinity
for the cross and the trinity
when tempted with blue stilton cheeses.
"
"a bra engineer named althea
was seduced by a wicked idea.
now she's earning more pay
boosting up the display
of the weaponry in north korea.
"
"there once was a bee who ho-hummingly
was bumbling around unbecomingly,
but his criminal buzz
reached the ears of the fuzz
and they pounced, shouting ""sting!"" most bee-numbingly.
"
"the cadaver synod, a trial
that provokes both a wince and a smile:
a pope disinterred,
and cross-questioned?my word,
what a rotten display of foul style!
"
"""better english helps people get on,""
thought the bullokars, william and john.
folks could looke for a spelling
in the booke dad was selling,
but for meaning to john's they'd have gone.
"
"caracalla ruled rome by decree
and was fond of a bloodthirsty spree.
his demise brought no grief
(it was quite a relief?
he was done in while taking a pee).
"
"boccherini's e-major quintet
introduced his acclaimed minuet,
but this talented fellow
(a whiz on the cello)
has not had a second hit yet.
"
"""this alpine attire, to be curt,
is a close-fitting bodice and skirt.
and now that i've learned all
i need of the dirndl,""
said ernie, ""i'll buy one for bert.""
"
"this dishy ? cute, curvy ? young blonde,
with whom i'm about to abscond,
is convinced that i'm single,
and as pure as kris kringle,
and she thinks that my last name is bond.
"
"disarmament: military science
insists upon total compliance?
the enemy's general
must see that his meneral
armless and show no defiance.
"
"i would write a dickensian verse,
but a pickpocket just stole my purse,
and my pen, and my fly,
and my hot pigeon pie,
and my sweet blue-eyed babe, and her nurse.
"
"my roofers from york, pennsylvania,
are cursed with severe dipsomania.
at five, they all stop,
then imbibe till they drop?
they awaken to hammering crania.
"
"she declared, ""my poor taste buds are tinglish.
i crave something chippy or pringlish!""
i replied, ""that's absurd,
surely crisplike's the word?
i deplore disagreeable english.""
"
"""i have prayed,"" said devout mrs. keating,
""for the reason that life is so fleeting,
and i'm just on the brink
of an answer, i think,
if the lord . . ."" (here her heart just stopped beating).
"
"the post gets long, wordy berations
from a writer who proves with citations
that his limerick's not inked
due to forces he's linked
to the council on foreign relations.
"
"the beauties of whom we have read
in byron and shakespeare are dead,
but calverley found
more dependable ground
when he glorified beer brands instead.
"
"a daring young dame of alaska
declared, ""i'm obama's unmaska!
watch me shoot down god's critters
while i cellphone my sitters?
i'm a pro-gun, pro-life multi-taska.""
"
"the allurance of lovely larissa
attracted the lads and they'd kiss her,
but her keenness to flirt
made five husbands desert,
and, between you and me, we don't miss her.
"
"that poetical child, robert browning,
cried, ""mother! i've read of a drowning.""
she replied, ""show no mercy!
that was nasty young percy,
and a nice break for you.  i'm not frowning!""
"
"the sisters of suffering's rule
meant subsistence on begging and gruel.
the capuchin nun
didn't wanna have fun?
she was so far from hip, she was cool!
"
"her attorney-at-law i suppose'll
cite the blatancy of his proposal
as the reason her parasol
was rammed up his arasol,
when they found him there at the disposal.
"
"i've been feeling quite antiguerrilla
since they kidnapped my rich wife, priscilla,
on the fourth of july?
they've made all the kids cry,
and disrupted my own plans to kill 'er.
"
"for that cow, little dog cries a lot
(jumped the moon, broke her leg, and was shot).
now the dish is soon due,
but the spoon long since flew
with a braiser he thought was more hot.
"
"two lunatic bedlamite geezers,
while handing out twelve pairs of tweezers,
said: ""apostles, be wise!
take the motes from your eyes,
and render them back into caesar's.""
"
"said a free-thinking ungulate mammal,
""do you mind if i speak without trammel?
this al-qaeda top brass
seems to talk through his ass,
on his high horse, on top of his camel.""
"
"a troubled acquaintance of mine
used to drown all his problems in wine.
to his basement he'd go:
in a vat of bordeaux,
he deposited  relatives?nine!
"
"""please forgive me if this seems like bitchin',
but i've found your hotel's not as rich in
haute cuisine as it boasts?
fido sniffs at your roasts,
then he sends them all back to the kitchen.""
"
"the deity is, priests assure us,
complete in himself, actus purus?
not a bag where jolie
keeps her cash and her key,
but the state through which god can endure us.
"
"there's few people care one iota
for actinobacteria biota;
but they break down our soil,
so i honor their toil,
from brownsville to north minnesota.
"
"those restaurateurs, the dalgleishes,
would walk their six children on leashes;
but we'd turn a blind eye,
as if naught was awry,
since we loved their spectacular quiches.
"
"when i dwelt with the lullapaloons,
we would dance upon all the full moons
to songs that were played
on blue bongos they made
from the bum cheeks of certain baboons.
"
"a cucumber canner named rick
runs a dill-pickle outfit that's slick.
each day, to a man,
they pick all that they can,
and each night they can all that they pick.
"
"the yuletide brought old mr. peck out
with visions of rooms he would deck out,
but with prices so high,
he dropped dead with a sigh,
checking out with his check out at checkout.
"
"an out-of-love,  disinflamed mrs.,
who dupes her poor spouse with false kisses,
hopes insurance she buys
as she plans his demise
will reveal just how rich widowed bliss is.
"
"i've been told i'm a total dead ringer
for my model and hero, j. springer.
check out my next show,
called ""the nazi, the ho,
and the bishop"" ? it's quite a humdinger!
"
"i believe these opinions i've got
should be aired in a lucrative spot.
i'll apply to fox news,
where they cherish the views
of an expert on diddlysquat.
"
"there was once a young lady named bess
who was constantly prone to digress.
when her truelove proposed,
both his eyes were long closed
by the time she concluded with ""yes.""
"
"""this car is as clean as a whistle,""
you say, but it's making me bristle:
no splutters or glitches
will thwart salesmen's pitches
like the pungent aroma of piss'll.
"
"that hackensack diet doc, dacking,
insists his elixir stops snacking.
for funding, he's racking
his brains?now he's packing!
for hackensack quack backing's lacking.
"
"if captured at gunpoint you've got
to keep cool, oxymoron or not.
a point on a gun?
no, i've never seen one,
but don't argue the point ? you'll get shot.
"
"saint amator's tale has a taint:
does the church need a bigamous saint?
since most saints don't have any,
his two were too many,
yelling, ""oh yes he is!"" ""no, he ain't!""
"
"my darling, there's no need to yell!
i can hear you as clear as a bell:
when the deed is complete,
it's back down with the seat?
i shall close up the gateway to hell.
"
"us cave boys can ward off attacks
with the new abbevillean axe,
for it serves to protect us
if some homo erectus
assumes we'll be turning our backs.
"
"saint adelaide's pure hagiography
is empty of sleaze or pornography:
otto 1 was her honey;
otto 2 was her sonny;
but she left us no otto biography.
"
"a seller of shoes named mcnealy
has a will to escape that is steely.
since his research has shown
that al bundy's unknown
in nairobi, he's learning swahili!
"
"""an unscrupulous bird is that stork,""
said a welfare inspector in york.
""no agency vets
all those newborns he gets,
and when asked where they're from, he won't tork.""
"
"saint adomnan's gentle demand
was that killing of women be banned:
""if you slay one,"" he said,
""we shall have you struck dead?
but we'll first axe your foot and your hand.""
"
"a trailer-park blonde named celeste
had little up front to invest.
now she has a rich spouse
and a grandiose house?
her boob-job investment impressed!
"
"we peanuts have had bad publicity
regarding our allergenicity,
but we don't mean to harm.
plus, we'll rip off your arm
if you dare accuse us of toxicity.
"
"i'm quitting my job as a shipper
to work as a chippendales stripper.
i've practiced a lot?
now my dancing's so hot
that my labrador throws me her slipper.
"
"electrical brain stimulation
brings cardioacceleration,
so i learn to attenuate
again and again?you wait!
we monkeys will seek compensation!
"
"the cawdreys, a father and son,
declared, ""this great worke we'll not shunne,
lest the hebrew, the greeke,
and the latine we speake,
leaue us unlearnned english undonne.""
"
"the women are blonde there and thinnish.
shout ""akka""?  you'll only diminish
your chance to get kinky
with gals in helsinki,
and whatever you start, you won't finnish.
"
"after all that i've done for astronomy,
it's disgraceful that nasa won't honor me.
they've ignored my report
on, ""darth vader: his thought
and the prospects for android autonomy.""
"
"up in kashmir, near mighty k2,
baltistan's where i am (in skardu).
but i'm altitude sick,
so i must get down quick?
a little lead zeppelin might do.
"
"there once was a man with a herd who
wrote limerick ditties in urdu:
he'd go trancelike at times,
as he thought up new rhymes,
and he'd wake up all spattered with bird do.
"
"aristotle, 330 bc,
invented the cable tv,
but the vain alexander
declared, ""in all candor,
it's not as exciting as me.""
"
"young froggie went courting one day
with a pure white alisma bouquet.
he said, ""marry me, do.""
she replied, ""marry you?
that's pondweed, you cheapskate! no way!""
"
"old dracula loathes in particular
a well-hammered stake perpendicular,
for the scene will amount
to an out for the count
if one pierces a chamber auricular.
"
"biogenic sedimentary rock
will go on being formed round the clock.
life will die and decay,
making coal by the way,
and what folks here in kansas call ""chock"".
"
"young david, the kid with the sling,
was anointed by god to be king.
goliath he slew,
and bathsheba he knew?
he was always prepared for a fling.
"
"amazing, that name amaziah:
a levite, the son of hilkiah;
a king that was famous;
a priest (just see amos);
and a subject of king hezekiah!
"
"two biblical kings ahaziah,
in israel and judah none higher:
one fell through the ceiling,
and the other's mean dealing
made him just like his mom, athaliah.
"
"ahinadab, solomon's rep,
tried hard not to make a false step,
which was noble, except
he was wholly inept?
that's how solomon coined the term schlep.
"
"the jester of amalek's dead.
the israelites chopped off his head.
his last witty thing
was to point at the king:
""that's saul, folks!"" ? the last words he said.
"
"our study on warfare that's tribal's
a shocker, so get out those bibles:
there's a philistine plot,
and a girl who's red hot,
and a strongman, who loses his eyeballs.
"
"abiasaph often found glee
in the sins of his sister (so free).
as third son of korah
he found fun in torah?
a pious laugh had he, hee-hee!
"
"william bourne, one of life's cognoscenti,
was ahead of his time ? and that plenty:
his inspired submarine
wasn't finally seen
till the year of our lord 1620.
"
"at cardiff, they captured a dalek,
and they fed him leek curry with garlic:
now he plays number seven
in a rugby eleven,
and he sings a robust ""men of harlech.""
"
"at our boarding school out in the sticks,
you can learn ""water boarding for hicks"".
what would take ninety days
by traditional ways
takes, with total immersion, just six.
"
"were we tortured by devils and crooks,
hung on scaffolds and crosses and hooks,
used to light nero's feasts,
and consumed by wild beasts,
just to star in church history books?
"
"the pirate who lives in my garret
is the number one fan of syd barrett.
every time he's away,
i hear screeching all day?
it's ""see emily play"" (by his parrot).
"
"that electric performer, usain,
has a talent that none can disdain:
with a bang and a jolt
from his blocks bolt will bolt
in a lightning-fast charge up the lane.
"
"my grandma's a great fan of benda.
each note of his fills her with splendor,
but she plays him all night,
supping gin till she's tight?
i'm afraid benda benders might end her.
"
"as the son of a slavegirl, blind boone
never had that proverbial spoon,
but, with talent in bags,
he made riches from rags
as he artfully tailored each tune.
"
"a gold-medal cyclist named cooke
rode out her whole race by the book.
it seemed fate was unkind,
till she stole from behind,
and then cooke, like a crook, overtook.
"
"da vinci, that wonderful fella,
couldn't always produce a top sella.
as a genius, he's hailed,
yet he frequently failed?
ever try his spaghetti umbrella?
"
"austerity took wealthy morehouse
through ascetic excess to the poorhouse,
but his last, greatest trial
was to give up denial:
he's a pianist now at a whorehouse.
"
"bathysiderodromophobia's a dread
of subways that fills up my head
with irrational fear,
so i do not go near?
i ride scarface, my tiger, instead.
"
"what makes whiskey from wort? distillation.
what makes something more dry? dehydration.
but if acid's your liquid,
the word you'd best stiquid
is the term that's preferred: concentration.
"
"his stern, straitlaced wife is a paragon?
a modern-day catherine of aragon?
but his foremost complaint's
all the paintings of saints
that she hangs. (""where's my pinup of farrah gone?"")
"
"there once were twin brothers named dodd,
as alike as two peas in a pod.
to their mother's dismay,
they would fight night and day
because each of them thought he was god.
"
"if you wish to alleviate stress,
resolve to sleep more and not less;
bring disputes to an end;
learn to save and not spend;
and go live somewhere else ? not loch ness.
"
"archbishop in ironside's reign,
saint alphege was kidnapped in vain.
by the danes he was taken,
but said, ""don't save my bacon!""
had a mean time in greenwich (got slain).
"
"arrowroot vermicelli noodles:
i buy them in bulk for my poodles.
it's their daily delight,
and there's lots left at night,
when i bring home my kitten caboodles.
"
"let's hear it for charles, prince of wales?
for a giggle, his name seldom fails.
while his mum and ex-wife
overshadow his life,
he hunts foxes up hills and down dales.
"
"saint catherine's my holy ideal,
but she just doesn't heed my appeal.
my investments are tottery
and i must win the lottery,
but my patron's asleep at the wheel.
"
"someone cried, 'sir, this humbug won't do, sir!'
but the congressman's speech wasn't through, sir:
'i don't care,' he replied,
'if your interest has died,
as i speak, sir, for buncombe, not you, sir.'
"
"if stricken by angst, stoic sense shall
be dashed by a doubt existential;
the trembling and fear
of just being cohere
in a dread introspection demential.
"
"a man from duluth, minnesota
was stuck out in darkest dakota,
so he posted his choices,
determined to voice his
own views as an....
"
"in scotland the borough's spelt 'burgh'
(in england, of course, we're more thorough).
tho' yanks may say 'boro'
(they plough their own furrow),
this form's for a lowland scots burrer.
"
"poor old homo neanderthalensis
had brows that were truly immense. is
his stone age demise
due to over-browed eyes
and occlusion of ocular senses?
"
"bright candle, slight circle of light
glowing small in the shadow of night,
when the chill wind blows quicker
your waxy wick flicker
will gutter till snuffed out of sight.
"
"we grow wheat, an abundant variety ?
make a living through pastoral piety.
the scenery's charming,
the farming quite calming;
it's a great and agrarian society.
"
"at f?camp on normandy's coast,
see the monks raise a syrupy toast
to a boozy rich fix
of botanical mix ?
benedictine, a blessing to boast.
"
"a brainstorm will light up your mind,
showing clear what was once ill-defined.
muddled thoughts and delusion ?
dim clouds of confusion,
then flash! see the truth hid behind!
"
"oh, those big-bosomed girls make me lusty;
they're flouncy and bouncy and busty!
my ageing heart sags,
oh, colostomy bags!
i'm too rusty and musty and crusty.
"
"with his affable blandness and glasses,
albert campion's 'blank' often passes
for 'vacuous twit',
though his sharp, sleuthing wit
undoes crime in the bright upper classes.
"
"watch this ogreish witch scar the sky
in her black, iron pot ? see her fly!
see her sweep her path clean
as she hides where she's been.
baba yaga, the child-eater's nigh.
"
"we'll give 'em the day off, my dear,
and so spread, below stairs, festive cheer.
and these boxing day gifts
will reward christmas shifts ?
give 'em something to work for each year.
"
"little letter, you may be the best,
for it's true that you are 'fore the rest.
though in abracadabra
you're lauded, cruel zebra
'entails' you ? you form its arse-crest!
"
"acmeism: through stark and straight thought
a more structured directness was sought,
so that poetry might
shine a blazing clear light
through the clouds that the symbolists wrought.
"
"you slouch, wretched brit, round the fort
as if training and drill are as naught.
and you drink till you're plastered,
britunculus bastard!
you'll jump when i file my report.
"
"to cap this verse means each line must show,
with its head, how the last ended. so
only end letters will
lead the next line until,
lastly, this verse is capped, head-to-toe.
"
"cantal is a fine mountain cheese,
made by gauls with their lait expertise.
and it earned the applause
of king louis quatorze:
'this cheese,' he said, 'doesn't displease.'
"
"king of gods, mighty zeus the august,
took the fair nymph callisto in lust.
but now jupiter's got 'er
(that rank roman rotter!),
though she's wrinkled these days ? an old crust.
"
"we cacographers don't write in poo!
we're cack-handed though, that much is true.
for our handwriting's awful ?
a clumsy great pawful
of scribble. our spelling's carp too.
"
"i was racing my steed round the crescent
when i knocked down a ragged old peasant.
he writhed in the mud,
then he spat out some blood ?
i disdained him as crude and unpleasant!
"
"i once knew a man who was poor
who used to sell dogs door to door.
if you asked, ""is this legal?""
he'd slip you a beagle,
saying, ""gift for your wife ? say no more!""
"
"there was once a campari tomato
who lectured on dante and plato.
all the shoppers said, ""gee!
you should be on tv?
what a waste teaching greens and potato!""
"
"my faith has, i fear, become shaken.
father hesburgh declares me mistaken.
he said, ""guinness decrees
seven score of degrees
are between me and young kevin bacon.""
"
"the bananas disproved her whole spiel,
and her claim he was copping a feel.
the decision is in:
since he slipped on the skin,
his conviction's reversed on appeal.
"
"an ambitious punk-rock group called slay
has written a musical play;
it portrays g. f. handel
as a glue-sniffing vandal:
""anachrony in the uk.""
"
"the waters where babies should frolic
whenever they're subject to cholic
are aequeosalino-
calcalinoceraceo-
aluminosocupreovitriolic.
"
"there was once a dog docker named dale
who had learned his profession by mail.
""it was simple,"" he said,
""i just studied in bed?
i'd no need to attend to de-tail.""
"
"a customer once was heard wailing,
""alas, how my puppy is ailing!
my poodle (a toy)
is a heavenly joy,
but the devil is in the de-tailing.""
"
"we've fat jaded ladies?a horde!
but our health spa's expenses have soared.
my partner said, quote:
""we should just buy a boat,
and board the broad bored broads aboard.""
"
"as lord byron versed canto the first,
he drank wine to immerse his great thirst.
thus, before he had mastered
the third, he was plastered,
though canto the fourth was the worst.
"
"doctor dee's dark angelical stone,
where he scried to divine for the throne,
was a speculum bright,
through which angelkind might
have been glimpsed, as he sought the unknown.
"
"round the shrine where the ancients were kneeling
stood stone caryatids revealing
a draped female grace,
yet a firm-breasted brace
for the lintels that bore up the ceiling.
"
"as he walked the night fen in the rain,
a great shape shifted dark 'cross the lane.
there he saw his ill luck
in the eyes of black shuck.
when they found him next day, he was slain.
"
"after years of toil, aches and travail ?
working long, spending short, growing frail ?
this great lottery win
means the fun can begin,
now the good life is mine: cakes and ale!
"
"the founding of banks is much better
than robbing or being one's debtor.
you'll grow with the crew,
and you'll get what is due
as director and salary setter.
"
"the legion pitched camp on a plain ?
rare boon on this northern campaign;
in the tree-bound campania
of darkest germania,
campaigning and camping's a pain.
"
"the canoeist cried, 'oh, what a bore!
just to paddle upstream's such a chore.'
so he dug deep to aft,
turning round his frail craft
to drift down, his poor oar-arm quite sore.
"
"giant idris's lofty welsh cadair:
misty mount, kept by osprey and adder.
sit the night out with idris?
beware! if you did this,
you'd end up a poet, or madder.
"
"did he life, love and reason resign?
or, with music, defy the divine?
did affliction and ire,
art and spirit inspire?
muss es sein? must it be? es muss sein!
"
"this box? it's a caddy, concealing...
now, what? maybe assam? darjeeling?
the rich smoky pong
suggests lapsang souchong
is the tea the torn sealing's revealing.
"
"the priest pushed to church through the blow
of a blizzard of chill winter snow;
it was candlemas day,
when we prayed that we may
keep the light of god's guidance aglow.
"
"the lad, when his love life fell fallow,
heard girls found him childish and callow.
so moustaches were tried
though their fluffiness cried:
'far too young and so desperately shallow.'
"
"wild witch-brood, begot on the isle ?
crooked caliban, savage and vile.
although whipped towards grace,
he stayed lustful and base,
twisting words just to curse and defile.
"
"amphipodous, sand-hopping fleas ?
they can swim in the sea if they please.
as their limbs were designed
with the shoreline in mind,
they can access both ambits with ease.
"
"see the despot as bad news breaks out!
he goes red as the tongue-twanging shout
and the swear-blaring spit
of his hair-tearing fit
build a scream-frenzy, mat-munching bout.
"
"mother's birth pangs and womb-water loss
mean it's started! now midwife is boss.
queasy dad, crushed cigar,
one more push ? there you are!
baby wonderful, crumpled and cross.
"
"if you're packing, but sacking is lacking,
'cause racking needs stacking with backing,
then cardboard's the thing
(with a good length of string) ?
stop slacking and snacking; get cracking!
"
"think you've left me, my dear? well, that's funny;
we're so close when i'm watching you, honey.
and our love's meant to be,
so to help you to see,
i have boiled up your daughter's pet bunny!
"
"a caveman of lustful intent
sought to show her what stalagmite meant,
but the cave-wind blew cold
round his rocks where they rolled,
so that what stalag-might-have-been went.
"
"the batsman was going great guns,
but he'd over-indulged on iced buns.
ninety-nine and not out ?
the worst time for a bout;
he was 'bowelled' with the wrong sort of runs.
"
"when germans and austro-hungarians
united with turks and bulgarians,
their enemies pressed
from the east and the west ?
they were central, these arch-militarians.
"
"like the franc, is the poor centime dead
now the french use the euro instead?
bah non, pas de tout.
le centime? c'est ? nous!
mais la perte de sa valeur est raide.
"
"candlewasters sat up through the night
working hard in their small pool of light.
nowadays midnight swotters,
with neon-drenched jotters,
waste nothing but bulbs and their sight.
"
"now my forbear, the comte de deauville,
came over with conquering will.
and after the slaughter
he took an earl's daughter ?
our blue blood's, you see, bluer still.
"
"now we must make him stand in this spot;
it is central, this point, to our plot.
for it's not on the fringes
that everything hinges,
it's here that we'll get our best shot.
"
"it is black over bill's mother, dear,
and the stack-clouds the mills smother. drear
is the wrack, so i will
wear a mac just until
i get back ? oh the hills wuther here.
"
"john le carr? ? he writes about spies,
about secrets, betrayal and lies,
about checkpoints and borders
and clandestine orders,
and hiding oneself in disguise.
"
"it was night and the land all in dark
caused me fright ? 'for my candle a spark!'
holding tight to its handle:
'bring light for it!' and all
was bright ? its rays spanned all the park.
"
"this morning i rose bright and breezy,
refreshed, in a mood light and easy.
not like yesterday, say,
when i greeted the day
thick of head and hung over and queasy.
"
"was it 'johnson', with suave donnish tricks,
who seduced 'stanley', 'homer' and 'hicks'?
of a fifth, no one's sure,
though it's thought there were more
in the spy ring that stung mi6.
"
"when you offered to show me your bed knob,
i clearly mistook what you said, bob.
and this bedstead array
is a brazen display
from its shaft to its finial head, bob.
"
"the cedilla, when placed under 'c',
was in spanish a miniature 'z'.
but in french it is used
so that 'c' is infused
with some 's', so fran?ais is 'k' free.
"
"he's a cupcake ? as camp as a daisy!
but the ladies aren't safe from his ways: he
will pout and pretend
he's their safely gay friend,
but he's straight, and their breasts drive him crazy.
"
"he had baited a poor badger's sett ?
lain in wait with a gun and a net.
but revenge was so sweet
for the rest of the cete,
who devoured him (the badger's no pet).
"
"england's golden boy lost ? rupert brooke ?
wrote of love, died too young, closed the book,
leaving youth a brief page
from a less jaded age,
torn by war and the toll that it took.
"
"i've heard that in germany there's a
new cheese that's quite creamy, yet shares a
formaggio thrust
with its white fromage crust ?
cambozola: a composite k?se.
"
"when old lion awoke he soon saw
grasping crow reach his claw out for more.
so to answer the shriek
from its black crooked beak,
he gave voice to a great noble roar.
"
"centre-right: keep tax low; keep trade free.
we'll promote wholesome values, though we
will accept immigration
(with strict limitation)
and gays (if they'll keep it low key).
"
"the free saxon landsman was blithe
as he gathered his crops with his scythe.
yet these freemen, or ceorls,
still needed to pay earls
respect, and the church took its tithe.
"
"he's a cellular telephone user ?
a text-spelling thumb-bone abuser.
those ring tones are cheesy;
that belt pouch! it's easy
to tell by his phone he's a loser.
"
"view halloo! tally ho! off we go!
we are riding to hounds through the snow.
but if foxy's a runt,
then our boxing day hunt
will be brief, but a bloody good show.
"
"noble biscop, a scholar and priest,
gathered books such that learning increased.
in the mist, 'mid the dark,
he brought fuel, fed the spark:
the bright bede that would light the northeast.
"
"i'm a centre-left, socialist striver
and a keen social-justice reviver;
we should spread our wealth more.
i'm in touch with the poor ?
there's my cleaner, my house-maid, my driver?
"
"to paint his umbrageous, browed frown,
master rembrandt mixed rich, reddish brown
with his golden green hues,
giving warmth (so no blues)
with burnt umber, of earthy renown.
"
"i could certify, sign and attest
that she's mad ? yes, she'd go for a 'rest'.
but i also must state,
to be rid of one's mate,
that divorce, though it costs more, is best.
"
"in wearmouth and jarrow, great bede
told the young gens anglorum their creed
and their past, how christ's grace
came to guide their rough race
through the scriptures, the word and the deed.
"
"cahors is a town on the lot,
in south-western france, where it's hot.
its bridge is well known
as a marvel in stone,
and its brash, fruity wine hits the spot.
"
"cabot's matthew set sail on a quest
to explore the blank ocean out west.
when he beached on the sand
of a newly found land,
could he guess the vast span of the rest?
"
"greek centaurs (half man and half horse)
combine charm with a brute hippic force.
while endowments equestrian
are far from pedestrian,
don't ride if you can't stay the course.
"
"on my chesterfield, sprawling like nero,
i'm a dressing-gowned, gin-sipping hero.
such a deep-cushioned sofa's
ideal for us loafers,
whose interest in working's near zero.
"
"in the changing room, after her swim,
lovely lucy looked lithesome and slim.
peeping tom was impressed
by the way she undressed,
so he trailed her next day to the gym.
"
"i pursued a prim lass for her looks,
though her nose was oft hidden in books.
now i'm wedded for life
to a bluestocking wife,
so it's me who tends baby, and cooks.
"
"we grown-ups forget that a child
needs the time and the space to run wild,
and the scope to express
not just joy, but distress ?
they can't always be good, meek and mild.
"
"my bank account's nice to behold
when it's black with its balance of 'gold'.
but when i'm in the red,
and i owe cash instead,
then i'm blue, and my spending's on hold.
"
"he recalled, though from childhood exiled,
how the wondering mind of a child
would be thrilled, then and after,
by father's warm laughter
and mother's bright eyes when she smiled.
"
"in vienna and prague, budapest,
central europe's the tag they like best.
in its range and its scope a
new mitteleuropa
has risen where east once faced west.
"
"assortatively paired mate-to-mate
'cause you look, act, and sound like your date?
while birds of a feather
may well flock together,
being forced to is something they'd hate.
"
"bright young things of the twenties and thirties
(not the jeeveses, i mean, but the berties)
were a smart set of dappers,
of game chaps and flappers,
of gussies who charlestoned with gerties.
"
"see that fine-looking entga right there?
with the aneca and leeksa, fair hair?
got a obwatchfa, see,
made of oldga, and we,
if we're careful, can lift it. beware!
"
"it is friday the thirteenth today.
that's a date for bad luck, so they say.
so i'll hide in my bed
with the girl that i wed,
and keep well out of miss fortune's way.
"
"the chorus girl dances and sings,
though she's not centre stage (more the wings).
but if i get my way,
she will star in my play
as the lead in my dressing room flings.
"
"he boomed in churchillian tone
that they'd fight, though they stood quite alone.
but the hoped-for comparison
was lost on the garrison,
who laughed when the 'v' sign was shown.
"
"i lost everything, even my house
to that swindling conman, that chouse!
though complete deprivation
gives some consolation:
the fool has run off with my spouse.
"
"with our fathers at war: wot no dad?
then our sons joined the corps: wot no lad?
then this glib cartoon face
was seen less round the place,
till we saw him no more: wot no chad?
"
"bristol diamond's a type of quartz crystal
that's found (can you guess?) quite near bristol.
though its uses are few
i can name at least two,
though to do so is, frankly, to list all.
"
"from the fusty victorian gloom
the bright 'bloomsberries' let themselves bloom.
their artistic affairs
moved in circles round squares
(i forget though just who slept with whom).
"
"that the cane toad's a noxious wee beast
becomes clear when its toxin's released;
while just licking its warts
gives a head-rush (of sorts),
eating all of it leaves one deceased.
"
"channel surfing: to flit between stations (szt!)
?our man on the ground with the haitians (szt!)
?and the weather today (szt!)
?no, mother ? i'm gay! (szt!)
?you're the winner, sue! congratulations! (click!)
"
"here i sit in my bare corner chair,
of the world only barely aware.
on my four-legged seat
my whole life seems complete,
as i stare at the wall in despair.
"
"with my chronograph, time's what i measure.
its exacting precision's a pleasure,
and the intervals reckoned
in parts of a second
are temporal 'ticks' that i treasure.
"
"my atlas is now out of date,
for greenland's been changing of late;
warming island's appeared
and this means, as we feared,
there's a rise in the ice-melting rate.
"
"at chimay the trappists brew beer,
not for profit or fame or career,
but for charity's aid;
it's through faith that it's made,
though the rest of us gain by its cheer.
"
"i've a chronic disease and i suffer.
and i ask ? through the pain ? which is tougher:
the long years of illness
and bed-ridden stillness,
or the treatment, which couldn't be rougher?
"
"it's acute, this disease, a malaise
that will keep me in bed for some days.
on the plus side, this sickness
is known for its quickness,
but it sure isn't 'cute'. what a phrase!
"
"i remember my school friend ralph lumley
hated 'ralf' ? he thought 'raif' was more comely.
and old fussy featherstonehaugh
was 'fan... (does it scan?) ...shaw',
and no one quite dared address cholmondeley.
"
"he was meek and abasedly slumped;
for years he'd been goaded and thumped.
for his ruler was mighty,
capricious and flighty,
and when she called, 'husband!' he jumped.
"
"as old lion lay dreaming, his keeper
fed crow, to buy peace for the sleeper.
but though fed, the foul beast
grew more eager to feast,
and the danger to lion grew deeper.
"
"by being in second place you,
b-list b, denote those in grade two.
be busy, though ? strive!
but as bees in a hive,
bumble's never the queen of the crew.
"
"i'm a numbskull, a blockhead, a lump
of the thickest prat pudding, a sump
where the plonker juice clots;
i'm a numpty ? i'm pots!
i'm a dim-witted twit. i'm a chump.
"
"there's an odd-looking schoolboy named mason
whose mom cuts his hair with a basin:
when he stands in one place,
with a scarf round his face,
no one knows which direction he's facin'.
"
"there's a parrot in plymouth named fred,
who daily complains when he's fed.
every day he says, ""gosh!
this cuisine's not too posh?
i'll teach english in tokyo instead.""
"
"there once was a bottle of gin
who paused to consider his sin:
""was i damned from the start?
or will god see my heart,
and this hellhole he planted me in?""
"
"as the waters that pour from the sky
bless us all, whether honest or sly,
so sagacious lao tzu
has declared that we too
should be true to all men, low or high.
"
"if adrift with hot babes on a raft,
don't attempt to do anything daft:
just stare at the sky,
watch the seagulls go by,
and daydream of president taft.
"
"dr. who's evil alien race is
always clad in mechanical cases:
looking out when to raid,
every screen they invade?
keen to vanquish humanity's traces.
"
"there's an elephant head in her earring.
in her dress, eggs and swans are appearing.
melting clocks on her desk
show her style's daliesque,
but her upturned moustache?  not endearing.
"
"there once was a glass of red wine
that mused, ""why must mortal men dine?
when we glasses are smashed,
are our dreams simply dashed?
are we raised again in the divine?""
"
"i've no fear of the mean streets of skokie ?
i'm adept at concealed karaoke:
if i'm under attack,
there's a switch that i whack ?
then it blares out a loud ""hokey pokey"".
"
"in my life, hard days' nights and no slack!
i'm so tired ? money help's what i lack.
i'm a loser!  i'm down.
""tell me why, girl!""  i frown.
""because breadwinning's breaking your back.""
"
"a cold-caller phoned out of the blue:
'mr taylor, we've great news for you.
this offer's amazing!
complete double-glazing?'
then silence ? i'd hung up on cue.
"
"yes, he's taken 'compassionate leave',
but he's not here to rest or to grieve.
no, he's managed to pounce
on some girl from accounts,
and it's passion they've come to achieve.
"
"copenhagen's where mad karsten ph?lps
walks his danes, both the great ones and whelps.
in the port, shoppers frown;
with those dogs in the town,
you don't have to look down but it hj?lps!
"
"aunt augusta fandanglia phelps,
she concocts cooked-up words such as zelps!
but don't ask what they mean ?
they're half-baked and obscene.
you don't have to be mad but it helps.
"
"a tyrant, avoiding election,
took charge of our country's direction.
with his power he strives
to command our whole lives,
but he'll never command our affection.
"
"though she said i was boorish and crass,
that grace is a merciful lass.
to ensure it was total,
her put-down was scrotal:
a knee in the groin! coup de gr?ce!
"
"that wine club's a stuck-up affaire;
they use french so their soir?es feel rare.
so it's 'verres' and not 'glasses'.
they're so up their culs
they call fellow members 'confr?re'.
"
"his writing's a sickly confection
of sentiment, styled to 'perfection'.
to this treacly mix
he should add a sour fix,
and make bitter the sweet through correction.
"
"though the proof that we sought was elusive,
our findings are full and inclusive.
the results they evince
shouldn't fail to convince
since they're totally clear and conclusive.
"
"apostolic succession is how
roman catholics, and others, allow
for a 'touching' connection,
through priestly selection,
between the first christians and now.
"
"saint amand of lower poitou
is the patron of makers of brew:
if you've had quite a few,
and you can't find a pew,
prayers from under the table will do.
"
"kenneth branagh has worked very hard
in shakespeare, directed and starred,
but hollywood bosses
sense jolly good losses,
bawling, ""branagh!  this bard must be barred!""
"
"""i'll give you my candid opinion,""
said a cannibal chief to his minion.
""what each person should do
to reduce co2
is convert to an anthropophaginian.""
"
"these cherry tomatoes i'm chopping
won't talk and it's making me hopping;
""are you veggie or fruit?""
i demand, but they're mute?
and till one of them blabs, i'm not stopping.
"
"explored through a marxist analysis,
the fate of the queen, my dear alice, is
disclosed dialectically:
her house will fall hectically ?
flamingos will overthrow palaces!
"
"with diction unclear, not construable,
your amateur play was too booable;
and the maid in act one
who declared, ""i'm undone"",
to be honest, was not even doable.
"
"i'm in love! discodactylous rose
has these small sucking disks on her toes.
and what makes this appealing?
she paces the ceiling
while slowly removing her clothes.
"
"you'll notice it's often the case
that i find myself flat on my face.
the cause, i suppose,
is i follow my nose,
which has no sense of shame or disgrace.
"
"alder-liefest, there's no one above thee;
forsooth, i adore thee and love thee;
but the eve is soon gone?
the bar closeth anon!
prithee, out of my way, lest i shove thee.
"
"on your aglet i ogle a figure.
this baby's engraved and no bigger
than a button ? how quaint!
does it show me a saint?
or an angel? or christ? oh, it's tigger!
"
"alan coren, the comic and writer,
was a broadcaster, punster and? fighter?
well, a thumping great lunch
helped him pack up each punch,
so that heavyweight news seemed the lighter.
"
"lady lucy felt faint at the draper's.
oh, alack! an attack of the vapours!
this condition, malign,
led to languid decline,
then a sad little note in the papers.
"
"an old german called hermann von phelpst
learnt some english: 'yes, all by mein selbst.'
despite progress precocious
his accent's atrocious:
'you don't hef zu be mad, but it helpst.'
"
"said the poet, 'it's best if one ails;
they expect some consumptive travails.'
but his deep, chesty cough
upped and carried him off,
though it did cause a boost in his sales.
"
"cornish pasty ? a pie for a miner;
as a portable lunch nothing's finer.
it keeps everything in
(so no need for that tin),
as the pastry's both wrapper and liner.
"
"'keep my laws,' promised god, 'and be blessed.'
only one people did, not the rest.
but the spotlight is glaring;
it must be quite wearing,
being constantly put to the test.
"
"it was paris that did it for petra.
romantic weekend? coup de ma?tre!
as i wined her and dined her,
the setting inclined her
to cuddling, kissing, etc.
"
"being son of a duke brings reward
in the courtesy title of 'lord.'
thus one gains by one's birth
(not through merit or worth)
what one's ancestors earned by the sword.
"
"the communists pooled their resources,
collectively joining their forces.
party bosses decreed:
'unto each for his need ?
and as fat cats we need extra courses.'
"
"she looked lovely, but noticed my glances.
then she smiled, so i fancied my chances.
but a closer coup d'oeil
showed me 'she' was a boy!
just some francis who passes for frances.
"
"he's the embassy charg? d'affaires ?
he's in charge when 'ambass' isn't there.
and to firm up relations
between the two nations,
he sleeps with both sophie and claire.
"
"sir gallant, though feared by his foes,
loved the ladies ? a gent to his toes.
so imagine his plight
when he met a girl knight:
with chivalric wires crossed he just froze.
"
"back and forth between dover and calais,
channel-hopping swaps pebbles for galets.
and to cross britain's moat,
take the train or the boat,
or a plane if you've got a swiss chalet.
"
"he's a card-sharping cheater, that louse,
with his deck stacked against the whole house.
though it all seems so fair,
he is dealing with care;
it's through knowing your hand that he'll chouse.
"
"an accredited chartered surveyor,
i'm a qualified service purveyor.
and this crest that you see
means a right royal fee,
and you're subject to that as the payer.
"
"the knights fought to the death to contend
for their honour, and neither would bend.
each strove for the blow
that would finish his foe.
'? outrance! to the last bitter end!'
"
"if your problem with laughing at slapstick
is skin-splitting, dry-lip mishap, stick
to balsamic potions
and moistening lotions:
a quick, but thick, slick from a chapstick.
"
"charlie chuckled with glee as he thought all
this gurgling laughter would snort all
the words that he knew
to a lexical stew,
so he cooked something new ? now we chortle.
"
"just a town in the soviet sticks,
was chernobyl, before '86.
then its power plant burst,
and the west saw it cursed
as a ghost town of fallout and bricks.
"
"in the aftermath, watching dust settle,
we british display our fine fettle.
we climb from the rubble
and shrug off our trouble ?
burning banknotes will yet boil a kettle.
"
"gadzooks, sirrah! certes, in truth,
my speech is outdated, foul youth.
the theatrical arts
and shakespearian parts
have certainly marked me, forsooth!
"
"he answered with breezy celerity,
to swiftly establish the 'verity'.
though he'd hidden the gun
had they seen what he'd done?
his one chance lay in speed and temerity.
"
"of all the confounded bad luck ?
that self-righteous censor has struck!
and he's blanked out a word
that he won't allow heard,
and so blasted my rhyme scheme to ****!
"
"i can tell you're a wine-lover, ella ?
bring a glass; let's go visit the cellar.
for i doubt you'll find fault
with what's laid in my vault,
and my rare '69's simply stellar.
"
"the island of bornholm is small
(a few hundred square miles, and that's all),
yet strategically speaking
were the danes wrong in seeking
to keep it so firmly in thrall?
"
"the case of the crown versus zebra,
the infamous 'zoo' cause c?l?bre,
led to changes, we saw,
in 'faunography' law,
and the fame of some call-girl named deborah.
"
"baltic amber, from pine forests old,
formed as time and the icy seas rolled.
it's cast up by the tide,
worked and polished with pride,
and then sold as the famed 'baltic gold'.
"
"h. c. andersen's fairytales range
from the quaint to the wonderfully strange.
and the poor ugly duck
who outgrew his ill luck
still gives children some hope by this change.
"
"an old bag lady searches my bins,
filling carrier bags with old tins.
out of pity i've placed,
on the tied sacks of waste,
a few scratch cards ? i hope that she wins.
"
"'twas brillig, where mome raths were mimsy,
for carroll, the master of whimsy.
a slithy tove curls,
'he is dodgy with girls',
but such gimbling gyre is quite flimsy.
"
"philatelists know their stamps well.
entomologists think bugs are swell.
musicologists know
their ""ray, mi"" from their ""doh"".
campanologist?  that rings a bell.
"
"the cathedral of ely's wind blown ?
as 'the ship of the fens' it is known.
like a captain at sea,
so the bishop must be,
for he runs the wide see from his throne.
"
"when normandy apples are pressed,
golden calva's distilled from the best.
for every true gourmand,
the cleansing trou normand
keeps over-full stomachs at rest.
"
"i'm a castaway, wrecked on this shore,
and this whisky's the last of my store.
i've cast empties away
with a message to say:
'mr fiddich, please send me some more.'
"
"i said i would always be there, dear ?
to love you and hold you and care, dear.
but now that i see
you're so careless with me,
i'll take care and i'll take it elsewhere, dear.
"
"in arcadia, rustic life ran
to the pipes of the great goat-god pan.
a male torso adjoins
his loose capriform loins
in the form of a lewd goatish man.
"
"as picasso from lascaux departed,
'we have done nothing new,' he imparted.
this cave art so fine
with its pure form and line
marks the dawn at which painted art started.
"
"more heathen than greeks and much hairier,
the bulgar invaded the area.
bulgaric they gave up,
slavonic to take up,
renaming old thrace to bulgaria.
"
"soggy beer mat stops spills spreading far ?
porous pint-plinth and sponge-paper star,
good for mopping up messes
or swapping addresses
with girls that one meets at the bar.
"
"'break a leg,' someone hissed from the wings
as i swooped across stage, held by strings.
but my trident slipped free,
broke a valkyrie's knee;
now i know why the fat lady sings.
"
"a hawker of chants (that's a chaunter)
couldn't sell, and grew weaker and gaunter.
so he wrote one last song:
'i'll be gone before long,
if you don't stop and buy as you saunter'.
"
"sven the viking to odin appealed,
'when i fight with my foe, make him yield.'
but the god barely listened
(for sven had been christened!),
though he did send his crows to the field.
"
"said pussy, not given to claritude,
'dear owl, we have languished in tarritude.
let's embrace conjugality,
and bind our duality
in a state of felicitous marritude.'
"
"the irascible playwright von klompt
pulled his hair out in anger and stomped.
'mein gott, what was das?
you're a dumbkopf, an ass!'
and that's only his view of the prompt.
"
"the pot that i threw was abortive:
it was twisty, pinch-necked and contortive.
teacher said that the earnings
i'd make from such churnings
would turn out as less than supportive.
"
"a coronagraph's second to none
when it comes to obscuring the sun.
and without the sun's glare
one can see every flare,
and get solar photography done.
"
"itchy chicken pox causes red spots.
it's contagious and spreads between cots
through the breath children take,
and through blisters that break,
causing scratching and glumness in tots.
"
"whether 'freemen', or troops of the czar,
the horse-faring cossacks ranged far;
from the west asian lowland
they even reached poland
(though these days it's quicker by car).
"
"alexandrine, my parrot declares
what no other parakeet dares.
though a 'poor man's macaw'
from her beak to her claw,
polly speaks with imperious airs.
"
"a viking appealed to the norns:
'may the fates grant me much bigger horns!'
but his corniform dreams
were misheeded, it seems:
all he got was a bad case of corns.
"
"fearsome chlodovech, king of the franks,
cut his way to the top of the ranks.
and in rome's ruination
he founded a nation,
as frenchmen remember with thanks.
"
"with a breeze under leaf, over frond,
would you linger by looking-glass pond?
or wander the maze,
and the unicorn ways,
of the forest of broc?liande?
"
"come to meg's for your celtic kitsch needs;
we have moonstones and crosses and beads.
all our crystals and fluids
are blessed by real druids
(at a factory just outside leeds).
"
"this verse would delight a collator:
its line order couldn't be straighter.
with the middle bit here
it's sequentially clear,
with this line at the end coming later.
"
"said the guard, ""if i finds 'em i'll choke 'em!
i know that they comes 'ere to smoke 'em.""
so he lay there in wait,
at the place, until late,
in the hope he might catch them ad locum.
"
"anthropolite fossilised finds
show in stone human forms of all kinds.
from these we infer
how their bodies once were,
although not what occurred in their minds.
"
"employers consider them dumb.
their housing's becoming a slum.
it's a social divide:
their banlieue is 'outside' ?
they're outsiders, derided as 'scum'.
"
"a coppersmith's job is quite proper:
he's a man who makes pots out of copper.
could a girl, for a bet,
be a coppersmithette?
if a girl forged ahead could you stop her?
"
"we british transact in the ?;
it's a currency solid and sound.
and the ? won't do ?
it's too foreign and new
(though the option to join's still around).
"
"you are missing. you're murdered: the end.
the police a cadaver dog send.
he sniffs out the ground
where you lie ? you are found.
in a way he's your very last friend.
"
"harry bailly let beds and made sales,
at southwark, of suppers and ales.
but a fabulous fame
has attached to his name:
he's the 'hooste' in the canterbury tales.
"
"my dentist's just fitted a crown
(that's a cap on a tooth that broke down).
though this fix, royal style,
means a long-postponed smile,
the king's ransom i paid makes me frown.
"
"a cock strutted up in the pen
with his cockscomb erect, and said, 'hen,
do you fancy some seed?'
she said, 'cluck off, indeed!'
he felt flat and quite crestfallen then.
"
"geoffrey chaucer, the courtier and poet,
wrote in english in order to show it
could match french or latin
(whose shade it still sat in),
and his tales help the rest of us know it.
"
"a conference house is a base
where reunions and meetings take place.
there are speeches and graphs,
and a mingling of staffs...
and a fling between brian and trace?
"
"there's the rector, but why's he so glum?
'butt' indeed! know he spoke with a plum?
well, to preach to the 'yoof',
he de-plummed to 'uncoof',
but they still think he speaks through his bum.
"
"with my gold lam? suit, this pink brooch
is above and beyond all reproach.
you can't criticise me;
i've a style guru, see?
(you should criticize him ? he's my coach.)
"
"commentariat pundits pronounce
on the news ? they're a class that amounts
to 'opinion-shapers',
so don't trust the papers
without reading several accounts.
"
"fluffy body suit hugging his torso,
our baby is snug on the floor, so
i'll leave him; he's happy
(despite the full nappy,
which stinks like a skunk, only more so).
"
"in llareggub there's nothing, it's said,
but blind captain cat and the dead,
butcher beynon's owl pie,
and his gossamer's sigh,
and moll garter, her bed and dai bread.
"
"though the continent counts in the ?,
the british, from glasgow to truro,
have said they won't join
with the union's coin,
as it's run from some eurocrat's bureau.
"
"found an arrowhead? flint? flaked and fluted?
with a base that a shaft might have suited?
then it's clovis, i'd say,
though they're not thought today
to be first, as traditionally mooted.
"
"""don't go in there, you fool! see it fume?
though there's fire, there's no air in that room.
if you open the door
we'll have backdraught galore!""
so he opened the window and?
"
"la laoungue d'aoeur'gny, ch'tait mort
by the end of the second world war.
so now alderney folk
cannot speak as they spoke
just a few generations before.
"
"i was weary of talk 'one-to-one',
so i phoned up a chatline for fun.
but with so many voices
and cross-chatting choices,
i chose to be chatting with none.
"
"this limerick's anapest beat
is both clear and predictably neat.
but be warned ? at the end
there's a counterpoint bend:
suddenly, in a switching of feet.
"
"your 'help', and your spoon, i dismiss; i'll
take care with my eggshell (it's fissile).
i won't hack, tap or chop;
no, i'll slice round the top
with a motion i'd call circumscissile.
"
"""though i've rivals,"" he said, ""she's suggestible;
i'm sure her affection's contestable.""
but the cops heard her shriek;
his competitive streak
made him lose her, and left him arrestable.
"
"lest road rage should drive you berserk,
let commuter trains take you to work.
do a crossword, read books,
give the girls furtive looks ?
view this chatting-up chance as a perk.
"
"for his toothache, philandering merv
applied clove oil to deaden the nerve.
those botanical drops
made him numb in the chops,
but they helped get his mind back to 'luurv'.
"
"i protested against my committal.
i'm not mad, i explained, just a little
fatigued. but my claim
was admittedly lame
in the wake of the shouting and spittle.
"
"reciprocal natural laws
are the co-evolutionary cause
whereby thickness of hides
is derived from, and guides,
growing sharpness in predatory claws.
"
"wanting rain, a haphazardous druid,
whose name was caratagos llewedd,
hailed the gods, who ? invoked ?
had caratagos soaked
with precipitous cloudbursts of fluid.
"
"people scream as the plane tips and rolls
while i struggle to wrest the controls
from the villain, whose clutch is
released when he touches
'eject' (then his leaving consoles).
"
"our history test was a blast:
we were asked to compare and contrast
charles the first's execution
with the yanks' revolution,
so i wrote, 'both took place in the past.'
"
"no, coquilles st jacques! don't you sell fish?
oh don't lie ? yes you do; i can smell fish!
no, i don't want a dollop
of cod guts, you trollop!
coquille is a scallop ? a shell fish!
"
"the natives cavort in their sin.
send the light! we must gather them in.
but the missionary strays
in conradian ways,
and succumbs to the darkness within.
"
"the coastline's where seas clash with lands,
where waves grapple cliffs, shift the sands.
but this forceful embrace,
from the stillness of space,
is a quiescent web of gold strands.
"
"my life's a copernican one.
i don't plan it; my wife sees it done.
i just moon (and look odd)
round her heavenly bod,
while we both run in rings round our son.
"
"we were hoarse with the carols we sang,
so we cheered when the dinner-gong rang.
christmas lunch ? what a feast!
our excitement increased
till the crackers were pulled with a? rip.
"
"whether written in england or texas,
this verse is a lingual complexus:
that is, words, meaning, sound,
and convention all bound
in a single grammatical nexus.
"
"christmas spirits, for scrooge, came in threes:
first the past brought a painful reprise,
then his present disclosed
how the poor were exposed,
how the cold-hearted rich let them freeze.
"
"curiosity didn't kill cat.
no, it's even more crushing than that:
he had let caution fade
in the steamroller's shade.
'twas complacency made the cat flat.
"
"at the funeral, dressed to condole
like a mournful and short-sighted mole,
he'd a doleful refrain:
'how i share in your pain!'
then he tripped and fell into the hole.
"
"with his affably cheery 'hello!'
he's acquaintable ? easy to know.
heart and soul of the party,
he's likeably hearty,
but the strain is beginning to show.
"
"when his usual mode of conveyance
was transported away in abeyance,
he departed by shoe
to acquire, or accrue,
something new in a state of purveyance.
"
"on a corbel, unburdened and blighted,
a monstrous black raven alighted;
then it vaulted and flapped
to a second and mapped,
with its arc, where an arch had been sited.
"
"the colonial project progressed,
but the natives complained: 'we're oppressed!'
so to silence the latter
we settled the matter
by building all over the rest.
"
"poisoned barcodes? stilettos? garroting?
at the checkout each till girl is totting
her chance of attaining
that head-cashier training,
while negating her foe's counterplotting.
"
"the delta-winged concorde's iconic
of progress and speeds supersonic.
for both britain and france
it gave friendship a chance,
but the 'progress' proved somewhat ironic.
"
"in italy once lived a lord
with the virtuous wife he adored.
but his cold statesman's mind
was determined to find
subtle proof her affection was flawed.
"
"proud crow found a morsel of cheese
which he took, in his beak, to some trees.
now sly fox saw him there,
but the crow wouldn't share,
so that crafty old fox tried a wheeze.
"
"a shepherd cried wolf just for fun
(there was none, but it made people run).
when a real wolf drew nigh,
people thought, 'it's a lie!'
and the wolf ate his sheep, every one.
"
"hare boasted, 'i'm fastest of all!'
'shall we race?' said the tortoise. (the gall!)
so hare laughed, 'if we must!'
then left tortoise for dust?
tortoise blinked, then set off at a crawl.
"
"a villain devised a foul plot
to steal all my cash (i'd a lot).
but his actions, though dastardly
(that's caddish and bastardly),
were undone with a gun (he got shot).
"
"where peat was once dug, we find terry
adrift in the last norfolk wherry.
from the pub where he'd moored
he has zig-zagged the broad,
with his friends all aboard getting merry.
"
"'if money's a burden and grief,
i can help with financial relief;
though there are strings attached,
my technique can't be matched:
it's a snip!' said the cutpurse ? a thief.
"
"was ?sop the slave black or white?
ethiopian? greek? is it trite,
or perceptively true,
to declare he's the two
since his fables show wrong clear from right?
"
"her cuteness was never in doubt
with those curves, her blue eyes and that pout,
but her charms were less sweet
when she got to her feet,
showing blotchy fat legs full of gout.
"
"well, you could say i'm feeling much warmer, leigh,
now my body hair's growing abnormally,
but my wife has complained ?
when the bath water's drained
there are rather more pubes there than formerly.
"
"my clock radio woke me at four
with the news that we'd just declared war!
the alarm and the guilt
made me pull up my quilt;
it's a broadcast i'd rather ignore.
"
"although once i would make my son, ron, do it,
i've a new way to drain off my pond, to wit:
a long hollow pipe,
so now ron doesn't gripe,
for it acts ? true to type ? as a conduit.
"
"i used to use bright coloured pencils
with my scribbling books and my stencils.
but the drawings that i did
meant doctor decided
to hide all such sharpened utensils.
"
"'plus ?a change?' is a way one could say
that though changes take place day by day,
the essentials remain
rather starkly the same
in a counterintuitive way.
"
"if you fancy a brief intermission,
the adulterous bible's position
on the marital 'not'
is quite loose (they forgot).
it's the ultimate bedside edition.
"
"we were born the same moment in time;
gave our two primal cries to one chime.
all those mutual days since
this act of connascence
add up to a friendship sublime.
"
"church of england has managed to cope
with a catholic yet protestant scope:
a world-wide foundation
devolved to each nation,
with a queen at its head, not a pope.
"
"you like burgers, so she's vegetarian.
she buys 'new' because you're antiquarian.
every stand that she'll take
is for argument's sake,
because mary's a rampant contrarian.
"
"though it's true that it's fossilised poo,
even coprolites give us a clue ?
an historical glimpse
we'd be missing if chimps
had invented the flushable loo.
"
"on those far rolling hills they're still farming;
this countryside view is so charming.
but on turning my head
i see townscapes instead,
and the rate of their spread is alarming.
"
"an editor, stumped and perplexed,
sat confoundedly reading a text;
the hero, one guido,
of zero libido,
had nero in speedos! what next?
"
"daumier ? he sketched men as he knew them;
noting foibles and farce, he'd pursue them.
no classical purist,
this caricaturist
mocked jurists and kings when he drew them.
"
"on the farne isles a steam ship was wrecked
in a storm of tempestuous effect.
grace darling rowed out
in the gale's angry shout
to save lives, earning england's respect.
"
"if a danish man's also a dansker,
is a frenchman, in denmark, a 'fransker'?
and a spaniard, p? dansk,
as a speaker of spansk,
would he ever be known as a 'spansker'?
"
"that job was a real bunsen burner ?
a neat little profit returner.
and loaded with bunce
i'm in clover for once,
with a wad from that nice little earner.
"
"a young knight sailed away overseas.
his lady ? her heart ill at ease
at the coastal rocks black,
and their boat-splitting wrack ?
was beset by a rival's sly pleas.
"
"king cambuscan, lord in the east,
was given strange gifts at a feast.
first a looking-glass bright
that bared truth to his sight,
then a sword by which might was increased.
"
"johnny dangerous, brave and intrepid ? he
embraced an arabian leopard! he
kissed wolves for a lark,
and had sex with a shark!
on his tomb it says 'lover of jeopardy'.
"
"whilst bigfooting, looking for sasquatch,
i called to my girlfriend, 'hey, cass, watch
the edge of those trees,
for i hear on the breeze
soggy steps ? it's some beast of great mass.' ...splotch
"
"a clipper's a narrow-hulled ship.
with her steeply raked prow she can slip
through the sea at great speed,
and in trade take the lead,
bringing goods at a mighty fast clip.
"
"fingers phelps, at the door to the vault,
used his cutters to snip the last bolt.
'the alarm though was triggered,'
the cops later sniggered,
'by the drop of his nuts ? what a dolt!'
"
"dan dare ? in his spaceship ? goes far,
seeking baddies wherever they are.
on patrol or on recon
he combats the mekon,
and then puffs on his pipe at the bar.
"
"at a shoot out, the cops ? held at bay ?
called, 'surrender! come out now ? okay?'
but the answer to that
was a swift rat-tat-tat,
and some bullet holes spelling 'no way!'
"
"foggy phelps in the mess? i'd say very ?
that's his twentieth 'quick pop at jerry'!
each tangle with fritz
left a plane shot to bits.
now the only crate left's full of sherry.
"
"the royalists said they would spare
bara's life if he chose to declare
for the king, but he cried,
'republique!' and so died,
in year ii, the sixteenth of frimaire.
"
"having circled the pugilist thug,
i then gave him a skull-ringing slug.
his nose freely bled
like a fine bordeaux red:
he'd a crack in the claret-filled jug.
"
"on a farm strutted chanticleer, cock,
with his harem of hens ? a whole flock.
but a fox-haunted dream
turned his crow to a scream,
and as 'chicken' the hens did him mock.
"
"the aim of the binge-drinking game
is to burn with a low bluish flame.
with your first drink, you're lit,
but soon roar where you sit,
till you end up a spluttering shame.
"
"he is not some fay 'swan-on-a-lake' dancer,
and he's never a hip hippy-shake dancer.
no, he spins on his wrists
and does gyroscope twists,
so he's noted on lists as a break-dancer.
"
"dowdy letter, though not quite 'the best' ?
driving dimwits to retake their test ?
don't ya droop ? form a pair!
double 'd's make 'em stare;
dear dolly has just such a chest.
"
"call alfredo an eyetie or wop,
and he'll angrily tell you to stop.
but then call him dago?
he'll hit you, or may go
and talk to his mafia pop.
"
"with such scum on the streets, it is time
to get tough with the causes of slime.
send the operatives in ?
let the cleansing begin!
we must win in this war against grime.
"
"grim death took the hand of the pope,
put a skeletal arm round his cope,
then led him in dance
with a grin, to enhance
our despair at the absence of hope.
"
"the despotic don crulti tomenza
is dead! they suspect influenza.
but in fact, this cruel prince
died of poison-laced quince,
and a surfeit of faith in 'credenza'.
"
"in the picture of ghent they had lent her,
jenny saw what coulisse must have meant: her
keen gaze seemed to slide
along lines from the side
till it came to reside in the centre.
"
"brillat-savarin ? cheese event!
no sooner arrived than it went!
named after a gourmand,
this yummy cheese normand
is loved ? every fatty percent.
"
"of benbow they sing even now,
of his courage (from mizzen to prow) ?
how he kept up attack
though his captains held back,
being cowardly (poop-deck to bow).
"
"in ottoman times it was dandier
to refer to the 'island of candia'.
but the greeks call it crete
(sounding somewhat less sweet),
although ?????, for them, would be handier.
"
"have you heard of fran?ois de civille?
he's the man even death couldn't kill.
well, at least not at first,
and his end, so rehearsed,
left a legend that's talked about still.
"
"humphry davy gained popular fame
by enclosing a coal miner's flame,
thus preventing explosion.
despite rust and erosion,
this lamp still illumes the man's name.
"
"i'm frustrated and bored on this ship,
out at sea with no specimens ? zip!
and that rig-swinging crew ?
they're like apes in a zoo!
i fear nothing will come of this trip.
"
"with his stovepipe and cobwebbed frock coat,
mr stoat took his crow-quill and wrote
with this carrion feather ?
as black as foul weather ?
his enemy's suicide note.
"
"brandy butter's a booze-infused paste
that is festive and rich to the taste.
on mince pies, christmas day,
it soon melts right away,
though it lingers for years on your waist.
"
"a poet, flamboyantly styled,
was imprisoned ? his name was reviled.
when he wrote of this hell
he adopted his cell,
c.3.3, to conceal 'oscar wilde'.
"
"i regret planting cucumber vine.
yes, it climbs and gives fruit ? that's all fine,
but i felt such a berk
at that party at work
with my bottle of gherkin juice wine.
"
"archaeological structures concealed
in a field are by cropmarks revealed.
where the crop tops the wall
it grows hardly at all,
but a ditch causes increase in yield.
"
"my problems with recall are chronic,
but some memory aids are moronic:
'thirty days has september?'
the rest? can't remember!
and trying to's antimnemonic.
"
"my mate zoran, dubrovnik dalmatian,
is a slav and an ethnic croatian.
he doesn't like serbs
and a slovene perturbs,
for croatia is 'top balkan nation'.
"
"on my bunker i've fitted a blast door ?
that's a reinforced, bomb-busting fast door.
if it's not, then this room
won't withstand going 'boom',
and i'll sadly have fastened my last door.
"
"old bagpuss would ya-a-awn as he woke
and he looked at the 'thing'. then he spoke
to pronounce what he thought
of what emily brought,
and his thoughts would help mend what was broke.
"
"the curative power of pills
is expressed through the curing of ills.
but the dosage is key ?
take too much and you'll see
(though you won't if your overdose kills).
"
"four across has nine letters. the clue:
'what is born with the news of what's new
is a sign of one's rage.'
this'll take me an age!
it's a? wait! yes, i've got it! have you?
"
"anguissola, forbidden the nude
(on the grounds that ? for ladies ? it's rude),
turned to portraits for sales,
leaving sweaty-palmed males
smudging charcoal, while acting the prude.
"
"at school, on a cross-country run,
there was always an absence of fun.
we would slog through the sleet
on our sore, mud-caked feet,
and curse stiles, and the absence of sun.
"
"thomas taylor was no couch potato;
he was first to translate all of plato!
of the classics, he chose
mainly ancient greek prose,
writing little on virgil or cato.
"
"the pudding i'll make is quite humble,
being fruit and a nutmeg crumb jumble.
not quite pie, not quite cake,
it is simple to make
and is served up with custard: a crumble.
"
"cryptozoological studies ? grade e!
it's unfair that they've penalised me,
for those close-ups of breasts
prove that mermaids have chests
that in size range from d up to g!
"
"my crumble wath burnt to a crithp!
nothing left but a thinder and withp!
i wath loath, though, to wathte it;
dethiding to tathte it,
it broke my front teeth, henthe the lithp.
"
"aphra behn built a life round the word
at a time when most women weren't heard.
back when bees ruled the page,
and swarmed loud on the stage,
spy astr?a ? a solit'ry bird!
"
"the crowned heads of europe take note
of republican reins at the throat.
keeping kings who remain
constitutionally sane
is the threat of 'beheading' by vote.
"
"arminius, roman by birth,
felt his roots in hercynian earth.
in the north, rebel hermann,
as warlord and german,
fought rome, showed his folk their great worth.
"
"where the rhein meets the mosel, 'coblence'
had a history violent and tense.
seemed like geography'd hexed it ?
france even annexed it!
but as koblenz it's come off the 'fenz'.
"
"with their dannebrog fluttering high,
you can tell those are danes marching by.
and their cross-bearing flag
is no red and white rag ?
it's divine, for it fell from the sky!
"
"the pardoner's tale sought to show
how base avarice brings a man low;
how greed blinds a soul
that has strayed from god's goal,
leaving man as his very own foe.
"
"a father, in rome, had a daughter,
and he loved his fair child, and he taught her
a high moral code
(from which tragedy flowed,
for it led to her innocent slaughter).
"
"'two bees on the bottle? how dandy!
little buzzers ? they boozed-up and randy?'
but the monk simply sighed,
filled my glass, then replied,
'no, it's bs: benedictine & brandy.'
"
"cutty sark was a three-masted clipper ?
built for speed, there were few to outstrip her.
she brought cargoes of tea,
and set records at sea
to the pride of her crew and her skipper.
"
"despicable ness is so crude;
she's so morally loathsome and rude,
that's she's more shunned of late
than that lewd fawny kate,
or even that bad hattie jude.
"
"airing cupboards ? i wish to inform ?
are for keeping your clothes nice and warm,
for the boiler's in there
making lots of hot air,
so that dry crispy linen's the norm.
"
"if describing james brown ? with the blues,
mournful clothes and funereal shoes ?
in lament for the end
of his musical trend,
well, defunctive's the word i would use.
"
"willy caxton felt type-setter's stress
over 'th' at ye olde printing press.
so the language was shorn
of its old english '?',
but the rose has since bloomed none?eless.
"
"although ch?vre's the french word for goat,
if it says 'ch?vre chaud' then please note:
it's warm cheese, not roast billy.
the latter'd be silly ?
its horns would get stuck in your throat!
"
"at my age, young man, snoozing's sensible;
my afternoon nap's indispensable.
but if nurse suggests bed,
i may yet raise my head
and say something a tad reprehensible.
"
"max beerbohm was sharp though discreet
when lampooning the types he would meet
as a caricaturist.
his satire was surest
when sketching the social elite.
"
"there's some woman who looks kinda jumpy,
and a hairy old man growing grumpy.
is the cause his moustache,
or a short fall in cash,
or the fact that his lap dancer's frumpy?
"
"'his father? they say no one knows;
he's a bantling, that boy, and it shows.
and his mother? some wench
who likes sex on that bench?'
but they cried, 'the poor boy's got your nose.'
"
"winston churchill is known for his speeches,
for saying we'd 'fight on the beaches'.
from the 'finest hour' through
to his praise for 'the few',
he would roar to outdo hitler's screeches.
"
"with dm on his villainous trail,
it is sure baron greenback will fail.
a phlegmatic 'good grief!'
leads to penfold's relief
at the end of a dangermouse tale.
"
"""defiguration's the key to this case,""
said holmes, as he studied the mace.
""miss vain isn't dead
due to dents in the head ?
no, she died from acute loss of face.""
"
"""i'm eugenius birch!"" the man cried.
""and your seafront, though certainly wide,
is in need, without doubt,
of a bit sticking out!
let me make it ? a pier on the side!""
"
"sages say that all humans are brothers
on this earth that gave birth to our mothers.
still brotherly love
needs a hand, like a glove:
""be the change you desire in all others.""
"
"philosophical, pithy and sage
is a maxim you quote off a page.
an aphorism's sublime,
ringing true every time.
it won't ever grow dull with old age.
"
"acid reflux begins in the tummy,
caused by eating too much, like a dummy.
unrestrained christmas cheer
brings on heartburn, my dear;
it's the price of insidious ""yummy!""
"
"if you're plotting the course of the sun
each day of the year, when you're done,
the path is an ""eight"",
right on time, never late:
analemma has finished its run.
"
"""passing gas is not that impolite,""
said our hostess, her cheeks burning bright.
""you have nothing to fear
from a fart blown so near.
your anemophobia's trite.""
"
"thick biceps: a bulge in your arm ?
yet a lady thinks more of the charm
in the bulge you keep hidden
until it is bidden
to light up her fire alarm.
"
"when a poet gets swept off his feet,
an afflatus uplifting the beat,
his chevy has wings;
he forgets minor things,
like the light at the end of the street.
"
"they say ""early to bed"" is most sage ?
good advice for all kids of an age
when they're better in bed
than in your anxious head
where their tantrums instill you with rage.
"
"that siren i hear, i don't mind;
it's an ambulance just being kind.
it is making a dash
for a bad auto crash
with a hopeful attorney behind.
"
"how many lost souls live apart,
drained of love? all they need is a start.
healing art gives them peace;
it's a way to release
all the beauty in each wounded heart.
"
"of a cuckold the miller now speaks,
of a fool, his young wife, and her cheeks,
and the games that she plays
with one nick, whose quick ways
bring yet stickier ends than he seeks.
"
"a knight was sent forth by his sire
to atone for his crimes, and enquire
under pain of his life
what moves maiden and wife ?
what's a woman's most heartfelt desire?
"
"there are friars to fry down in hell ?
up the arse of old satan they dwell!
but anon, here on earth,
they're the butt of our mirth;
here's the tale of one fr?re, and his smell?
"
"a miller, a cheater of meal,
would grind but mis-measure the deal.
two students took grain
to this villain, and fain
would discover some proof of the steal.
"
"with my pilgrimage set to begin,
i, chaucer, take rest at an inn.
now the season's turned fine,
i'll to canterbury shrine
for my soul's absolution from sin.
"
"an old knight took a pretty young wife
for his ease in the winter of life.
but the fool, who was blind
(both in sight and in mind),
little guessed she would cause him such strife.
"
"now of constance the lawyer does tell,
for this princess of rome was named well:
she stayed constant and good,
as all christians should,
while about her the devil filled hell.
"
"so the knight, who is first, tells a tale
both of brotherly love and betrayal,
in which two theban lords
broke their oaths and crossed swords
over emily. which would prevail?
"
"when the church calls a sinner to court,
it's a summoner sees that he's brought.
but for favours or gold,
his 'protection' is sold,
for these sums loose his hold on the sought.
"
"a grocer's apprentice sinned thrice,
with loose women, wild drinking and dice.
when his pay was run through
he put thievery too
on the list of ill-doing and vice.
"
"the girl that i love leaves no doubt
what her sexual allure is about.
says my mom, ""it's salacious!""
but i'm thinkin': ""bodacious!
let all yer allure hang on out.""
"
"i have never been tempted to eat
any artichoke i've chanced to meet.
since it sounds hard to swallow,
i just tend to follow
my instinctive distaste for the feat.
"
"avoid if you can at first sight
a bully who's itching to fight.
such a bellicose goon
will explode very soon,
just hoping to prove might is right.
"
"ad astra per aspera, they say,
is the brave, meritorious way
to ascend to the moon
when there's no silver spoon
to make child's play out of the fray.
"
"someone brimming with babbittry bliss
is as sexy as aunt gertie's kiss.
the life that he's made
is so prim and so staid,
he's a nobody no one will miss.
"
"a flu known as h5n1
has the planet right under the gun.
""good lord! it's bubonic!""
if i flee, how ironic,
to run scared when there's nowhere to run.
"
"an angora's a goat whose long hair
guarantees it is warm everywhere.
it is prized for its coat,
but we don't call it ""goat"";
it's ""mohair"", which sounds far more rare.
"
"a slur is a double-edged sword
and many a sad mouse has roared
when cut with that blade.
ancipital trade
in insults brings zero reward.
"
"who knows what tomorrow will bring?
some things that begin as a fling
open just like a flower,
with transformative power;
thus my soul finds its moment to sing.
"
"in britain a bird is a girl ?
a beauty inspiring a twirl.
like a dove, she will coo
if she fancies your woo;
in your arms all her charms will unfurl.
"
"for a nose he'd a bulbous monstrosity ?
such a spherical, pink curiosity
that the doctors were stunned
by this conk so rotund,
with its roundness and swollen bulbosity.
"
"said the pirate, 'a cape is no cloak;
it won't wrap you or stop the sea soak.
and it's fixed round the neck,
so take care on the deck:
if it snags on this wreck you could choke.'
"
"said the cut-throat, 'a cloak is no cape;
it's enfolding ? a cape would just gape.
and it covers so well
it can smother the yell,
and its shadow can help you escape.'
"
"asked horsa, 'a welshman, hw?t's him?'
said hengest, 'look west to the rim
where the christians cringe
in their wild celtic fringe:
he's an irishman who cannot swim.'
"
"british council: 'we're not like the yanks.
for a softer approach give us thanks.
and though shakespeare in chile
might strike you as silly,
would you rather send willy or tanks?'
"
"in his appian way, mr. spender
is a classically minded pretender.
and even his shed,
so it's mockingly said,
is a palace of capuan splendour.
"
"cape coast castle on ghana's gold coast
was a british imperial post.
and a profit was made
through this centre of trade,
though the cargo itself paid the most.
"
"there bee no one for childing lyke hilda;
evry mann in the parrish has fylled her.
whan shes childed and donne
shee goes back on the runne,
but shees slowe, which yxplaynes all the childer.
"
"after blowing long notes on his cornet,
a corneter sucked in a hornet!
he endured being stung
till the fat lady'd sung.
since 'the show must go on,' he had borne it.
"
"an athlete competes on false legs,
winning races with carbon-blade pegs.
able-bodied, but last,
angry losers, aghast,
demand testing and changes in regs.
"
"on november eleven recall
the soldiers who fought for us all.
beyond price, what they gave,
precious freedom to save:
it's the reason that we can stand tall.
"
"when my limerick trips on a snag,
i get stressed 'cause it raises a flag.
veterans snipe, ""now i gotcha!
recall what i taughtcha!""
shrill alarms make creation a drag.
"
"my booster bag makes it a breeze
to shoplift whatever i please.
it works to perfection
and ""foils"" all detection.
last month i scored seven tvs.
"
"pretty blondes and brunettes please my taste,
so discarding a love seems a waste.
to me, they're equivalent,
therefore, i'm ambivalent.
one should never commit in great haste.
"
"i waltzed through the night like a breeze.
i could tango or cha-cha with ease.
i could glide, i could swirl
with the prettiest girl ?
now i'm grinding it out with bad knees.
"
"mystic alchemy turns lead to gold,
but the process, alas, is mistold.
like the soul, gold's below ?
buried deep is the glow
which merges white hot with the cold.
"
"ancient mitzvah the house cat was scared.
for a full thirty minutes she stared
at her place:  she's displaced
by a baby, disgraced!
boon or bane, today, mitzvah's de-laired.
"
"ad astra points up from the dome
of the statehouse in kansas, the home
of the santa fe rail,
the great iron trail
to the lands where wild mustangs still roam.
"
"basic instinct (the sequel) is back.
sharon stone ? torrid death in the sack.
oscar-bound, it is not,
but it boasts one hot spot,
so i'm ready to cut her some slack.
"
"the bibacious are hooked upon drinking,
and often they're hooked upon thinking:
""i'm so clever on booze
that i simply can't lose!""
but their iqs are actually sinking.
"
"apprehension attacks like a claw
desperados who run from the law.
a dire, furtive stranger
is always a danger:
those drowning will clutch at a straw.
"
"apollo was shot through the heart.
in love, he was doomed from the start.
daphne, spurning romances,
rebuffed his advances.
thus arrows kept lovers apart.
"
"he sat by a garden all day.
he was dressed for a party, i'd say.
passersby went their way,
i could hear children play,
then he swayed as his life slipped away.
"
"an adelie besieged at the pole
can't protect its own eggs on patrol.
damp spring snow, eggs exposed;
penguin chicks die enclosed.
global warming is taking its toll.
"
"i've a six year-old ghoul with a pout;
she's so bashful she's filled with grave doubt.
trick or treating's no fun
without tricks to be done.
she's afraid to say ""boo!"" when she's out.
"
"can you guess how the auk got its name
as a sea-diving bird of great fame?
it descends like a spear
when krill clouds travel near;
""auk! auk!"" if it misses its aim.
"
"big brother infuriates me.
""two and two equal five... you agree?""
but whenever i add
i get four, and i'm mad,
since his slogans distort what i see.
"
"when your arteries clog up with plaque,
you're at risk of a cardiac attack!
atherosclerosis
is the doc's diagnosis,
and aspirin's your new bedtime snack.
"
"brave achilles delivered defeat
to hector, whom no one could beat.
then paris, the archer,
sealed achilles' departure.
now he's known for his heel, not his feat.
"
"there are some precious metals like gold
with a glow that is fair to behold,
but copper, though base,
is a bellwether ace
leading housing straight out of the cold.
"
"some bacteria pack a big punch.
that's why maniacs culture a bunch.
germs raised like a pet
are a nightmare, you bet!
bioterror deployed in a lunch.
"
"a bug with a name i can't say
will wipe facial wrinkles away.
no muscle contractions
betray your reactions
while botox holds nature at bay.
"
"oh, boy! i can't wait! boy, oh, boy!
like a kid with a shiny new toy,
i feel i could skip
every step of my trip
to disneyland. wow! what a joy!
"
"i hear you acclaim, ""go team, go!""
but just how can we possibly know
who is ready to fight,
or instead to take flight?
it takes heart to put ""go!"" in a show.
"
"""billabong"", ""billabong"", ""billabong"",
to a surfer, it rings like a gong.
it's a call to the sea
to come tango with me
and together we'll dance all day long.
"
"an aesthete is often confused
with an athlete, but geeks are bemused
by the beauties on view
who are standing in queue
for the guys in the shorts looking bruised.
"
"what became of the old buccaneer,
whose pride, not his hide, he held dear?
no quarter he gave
to the noble or brave;
his intentions, though evil, were clear.
"
"how often we fail when we should
be alert, and it's clear that we would
be alert, if we learned
from the times we were burned.
it's an ill err that blows no one good.
"
"when a streak of good luck gives me clout,
a bonanza is near, have no doubt!
i proceed without fear,
cry ""all-in!"" ? then i hear,
""sir, i'm sorry, your luck has run out.""
"
"o-e-d-i-l-f, go team go!
writer's block is a terrible foe!
your limerick, exhort it!
don't ever abort it!
your wit is the star of our show!
"
"johnny tar got his name in the log;
he was caught with his cup in the grog.
with the articles read
he soon wished he were dead,
for the officer knew how to flog.
"
"the horrible wail of the scot,
as he bagged all the pipes that he'd got,
caused a riot in slough.
he's much quieter now:
his bagpipes were cornered and shot.
"
"once the pirate ship started to burn,
she attempted escape with a turn.
'run the bow-chasers out,'
came the admiral's shout,
'and we'll give her a slap on the stern!'
"
"humphry davy, the chemistry whiz,
was the biz when it came to the fizz
(electrolysis ? used
to leave compounds unfused),
and that lamp's an invention of his.
"
"being armed with the new carronade,
the man-o-war's broadside soon made
a splinter-strewn wreck
of the enemy's deck,
for its shot ? when it impacted ? splayed.
"
"being jealous at heart, mr mayle
kept his wife in his sight without fail.
at work, rest or play,
in his argus-eyed way,
he would watch her for signs of betrayal.
"
"with a dado rail fixed in the hall,
we can now paint a two-coloured wall.
since i'm tall, i shall do
all the top parts (in blue),
leaving dados for you (since you're small).
"
"in an english cathedral one finds
dancette carving of two distinct kinds:
on heraldic stone shields,
where it zigzags the fields,
or round columns where chevron work winds.
"
"a near circle, this letter is third.
le croissant? yes, the shape's in this word.
a crisp hardness is found
in catastrophe's sound.
in an ice ocean soft 'sea' is heard.
"
"said the peasant, 'oi, thomas, could you
lend a hand with this water i drew?'
as i shouldered one end
of his stick, he said, 'friend,
a stout colstaff swings burdens twixt two.'
"
"if you use either hand when you write,
and your left is as good as your right,
ambidextrous you are:
in the ring, you will star ?
""one-two"" and he's out like a light.
"
"throughout the uk you can bet
on the horses or football ? just get
to the betting shop, where
you can dream if you dare,
but night mares may mount up your debt.
"
"making anapest verse is a breeze
like ""the man on the flying trapeze"".
if it's high qual-i-tee
it might join oed
ilf to inform and to please.
"
"an advance team knows just what to do
to ensure things go tickety-boo.
when the cheering commences
they've earned their expenses;
they wave and remark ""toodle-oo"".
"
"a flood tide lifts up every boat
causing egos to swell and to gloat:
""i'm riding so high,
how clever am i!""
'til an ebb tide disgorges the bloat.
"
"if you live in new york and l.a.
you're bicoastal, highfliers will say.
it must be depressing
and almost as stressing
as living bipolar all day.
"
"an expression is simply clich?
and banal when said just for display.
don't let it pass by
without any reply,
look impressed and exclaim, ""you don't say!""
"
"a broker from hype, itt & cotter
had a client enraged 'cause he'd bought her
fishy stocks. with a sneer,
wearing aqua-lung gear,
he reported their state: underwater.
"
"akhal-teke's the horse which was bred
by riders who fired as they fled.
""parthian shot"" was the aim
which won them their fame.
to this day, that retreat instills dread.
"
"the word armistice means a ""cease-fire"",
a truce which, alas, will expire
if one party fights
for dead-even rights
and the other disdains that desire.
"
"tiny tyger, stretched out on the mat,
do the mice hear you purring like that?
when you prowl, burning bright,
through the garden at night,
are you still just my daft bengal cat?
"
"he's a glove puppet fox, basil brush;
he is cheeky and orange and plush.
but he's also, i've heard,
an embarrassing bird
(if you're cockney, that is, and have thrush).
"
"when nelson came down from the poop,
there were bargemen adrift in his soup.
he commanded each worm
with his spoon, made them squirm
till they formed up two lines and a group.
"
"the cenotaph stands to remind us
of the long years of sorrow behind us;
of the lives that were lost
paying war's woeful cost,
lest time and forgetfulness blind us.
"
"he's a greedy devourer of food,
so his manners at table are crude:
he'll rip off a hunk
and then chomp out a chunk,
which is gruntingly sunk once it's chewed.
"
"andrewsarchus, carnivorous beast,
was the king of the eocene feast.
but his fossils are rare,
so his profile is spare:
like an ungulate wolf ? now deceased.
"
"in accordance with critical theory,
of claims to 'the truth' i am leery.
since culture's selective,
each fact is subjective ?
perspective informs every query.
"
"he's a cuculine conman, a pest ?
a parasite, pleasingly dressed.
do not fall for the lies,
or his needful disguise,
or he'll ? cuckoo-like ? conquer your nest.
"
"they're my cringelings ? look, see how they cower;
they enhance my prestige and my power.
with such creeps at my feet
i impress those i meet
(it's a sham, though ? they're paid by the hour).
"
"said galapagos tortoise to finch,
'let's trick darwin again ? he's a cinch!
here, you take my shell
and fly round for a spell,
leaving me as ""galapagos grinch"".'
"
"apple polishers praise you galore,
being sycophants ? creeps to the core.
and though flattery's nice,
being praised more than twice
is suspicious. the third time's a bore.
"
"their reaction? well, nobody knows ?
let's balloon it and watch where it goes.
then we'll see if it flies
or gets shot from the skies,
or at least where the public mood blows.
"
"a polar explorer named phipps
never takes any chums on his trips:
'for the frost is my friend,
and by cold journey's end
i've some bloody good chaps on my lips.'
"
"famous danes? well, there's blixen and bohr,
buxtehude and brahe (that's four),
the canutes, young and older,
perhaps emil nolde,
and kierkegaard too. any more?
"
"george i called himself 'the august'.
said the wits of his reign, 'then it must
be augustan, our age,'
which some mocked on the stage,
and the page, with satirical thrust.
"
"beggar's opera, the work of john gay,
was a popular musical play.
a highwayman's tale
set in newgate (the gaol),
it was loved, and is still so today.
"
"baghdad batteries aren't units of war ?
they are relics of lost ancient lore.
they are copper-lined jars
that contain iron bars,
and it's shocking what folks think they're for.
"
"that bronchopneumonia's the pits ?
leaves you coughing and breathing in fits.
with your bronchi infected,
your lungs (they're connected)
get swollen as well when it hits.
"
"falsie phelps was a wicked corruptress,
a debauching coquettish voluptress.
but our hero broke free ?
turned the light on to see...
just a bloke in a long dressing-up dress.
"
"the word darkie's offensive, taboo,
and a sign of how little we knew.
but now science shines light
on us all, black or white,
and our shared sub-saharan debut.
"
"a chameleon is carbon at heart.
its atoms will hook up as part
of a diamond's white glint,
or graphite's black tint,
and, when burned, co2 will depart.
"
"today i begin a new day.
i will not throw a minute away.
the past is the past.
it's gone at long last ?
when the sun shines, it's time to make hay.
"
"when europe was still in its dawn
at the time of the great genghis khan,
there were only fleet horses,
instead of new porsches
ablaze on the roads out of bonn.
"
"adios, sayonara, goodbye.
departing, i rise with a sigh
in my heart. as i go
on my way, always know:
sacred love, dear as ours, cannot die.
"
"i'm back in the saddle agin.
gosh, it seems mighty long since i've bin
riding high in the sun
on the trail of some fun,
and i'm itchin' to revel in sin.
"
"when the pollen grains, gold and chartreuse,
block my view (windshield wipers? no use!),
then the pheromones fly!
older lovers ask, ""why
wait for spring?chronosexist excuse?""
"
"what a blessing, a sheltering bay
to keep the rough seas far away.
mossel bay ? where seals play
on the rocks every day,
and the whales come to calve after may.
"
"be prepared is a creed that sounds geeky.
it is cooler today to be sneaky.
to a boy scout, his word
must be honored. ""absurd!""
sneer his classmates. ""your morals are freaky!""
"
"fragile beauty can heal all the world.
how precious it is when unfurled!
simple truth's stunning flower
possesses the power
to open a fist tightly curled.
"
"fail an ally: his shoulder turns cold.
betray love and the bond will not hold.
wrongdoing brings pain
more often than gain.
a clear conscience is dearer than gold.
"
"""oh, you shouldn't have!"" ? that's just a ploy.
""i'm not worthy!"" ? another decoy.
when we say ""oh, not me!""
that's accismus ? it's glee.
we're too coy to admit, ""it's a joy!""
"
"every task we perform is an art
when the things we do come from the heart.
it's the music of care
which enlivens the air;
it's the joy which sets each day apart.
"
"there once was a cyclist victorious,
whose form on a bike was vainglorious;
she remained in low gear
as men dropped to her rear ?
her rump made her romp quite notorious.
"
"some strange folks get a kick out of pain;
if it hurts, they'll just do it again.
for them, such abuse
is a way to let loose.
their own pain turns them on like cocaine.
"
"senior moments won't make me feel old
'cause i'm sharp as a tack, bright and bold.
uh, what's that you say ?
it's my birthday today?
oops! it looks like my memory's on hold.
"
"a horny guy, given to crashin'
around in an amorous fashion,
has a partner who fumes:
""our bungalow rooms
aren't built for such wall-to-wall passion.""
"
"errors happen, so don't be distressed,
'cause it's not half as bad as you guessed.
so don't lie, and don't run,
just admit what you've done.
when confessed, things are halfway redressed.
"
"raw oysters have primal appeal.
it's not just the taste, it's the feel.
open wide, let them slide
down your throat, deep inside.
the slurp, not the bite, is the meal.
"
"some bibulous fellows are cranky,
some others are worse: they are skanky.
yet some who swill beer
remain of good cheer
when their motive is pure hanky-panky.
"
"all the men's stores are rushing the fall.
falling prices are posted for all
their best summer clothes,
long before august goes,
but their scarves brrring a chill like a squall.
"
"i know you expect a bequest,
even though you have flown from the nest.
my will will attest,
when i go to my rest,
that i've left you an anapest jest.
"
"i cry to be heard in this rhyme.
bush is sending our boys in their prime
to a war that is lost.
who can fathom the cost
in young lives? is their blood not a crime?
"
"straying ken found a doll who was older.
he was lusting for love a bit bolder.
barbie said, ""what's she got?""
said ken, ""she is hot!
i know i'm a boy when i hold her.""
"
"when my life gets as crazy as hell,
and it's hard to get up for the bell,
i remember you're waiting,
your love unabating,
and i shrug, ""it's a mere bagatelle!""
"
"we're canadians, known for our beer,
not to mention our snow, lakes and deer.
some insist that we say
a superfluous ""eh?""
as we talk in our ice hockey gear.
"
"your buttock is blessed with a pad.
if you land on your butt, you'll be glad.
whenever you bend,
up goes your rear end ?
a temptation when you make me mad.
"
"it's a typical biblical bind:
again, hatred is paid back in kind.
tell me, who can deny
that an eye for an eye
makes iraq and the middle east blind?
"
"counterfeiters were getting ahead
of the money produced by the fed.
now make note at your till,
the new ten-dollar bill
proudly cites ""we the people"" in red.
"
"a flute of champagne, white or pink,
is the height of good cheer, mavens think.
it has class, it has style.
let it dance for a while
until flute salutes flute with a clink.
"
"his girl was afraid of a bun
in the oven. she left on the run
for a convent to pray.
she decided to stay.
as a lover, he's now getting none.
"
"every challenge we face is an op
to get better or simply to drop
right out of the game.
but don't become tame,
or all your best efforts will flop.
"
"a statue that's made out of brass
is a glowing expression of class,
but a dossier of deeds
in honor exceeds:
aere perennius ?  brass has less mass.
"
"yankee stadium's filled to capacity
whenever he bats with pugnacity.
""it's long gone!"", we all sense,
as he swings for the fence.
it takes balls to perform with audacity!
"
"hallowe'en is approaching! let's start
a revolt which will prove we're all heart.
no more mom and dad rules ?
we'll act scary like ghouls,
so we may as well dress for the part.
"
"an anal retentive is not
a person admired a lot
for getting things done
when he's under the gun,
'cause his anus is tied in a knot.
"
"axis mundi, in all buddhist thought,
is the place where your mind won't get caught
in the net of desire,
or anxieties dire.
it's your soulful, immovable spot.
"
"how often we seek nature's balm,
in a lake as serene as a psalm.
i ought to be glad,
but, instead, i am sad;
acid rain eats away at the calm.
"
"an affix: the part we remove
from, or add to, a word. let me prove:
when surveillance is tailless,
the cops can surveil us ?
by putting a tail on each move.
"
"a billet's a place soldiers stay
while they're earning their soldierly pay.
if a farmer's the host
with a daughter to boast,
their payday will come in the hay.
"
"send a valentine card with a dove
and two hearts with a cupid above.
don't say ""roses are red,""
go for romance instead:
write ""amore"" (italian for love).
"
"i just sent a blistering letter.
fighting back makes me feel a lot better.
it's now off my chest,
and my mind is at rest.
upset though i was, they're upsetter!
"
"i'm back, though it makes me feel low.
i've returned, shaking off every blow.
you exclaimed, ""go to hell!""
when i said my farewell,
so i'm back in the hell that i know.
"
"how proudly you carry the flag
for the hero you claim that i ""slag"".
you have not read an ounce
of the work you denounce,
yet you want to fit me with a gag.
"
"a boss had much more than his fill
of a clerk who was stealing at will;
he ended the spree,
but the thief's anc.
now the villain's in charge of the till.
"
"what a treat is a dress d?collet?
on display at a trendy soir?e;
such bountiful billows
remind me of pillows
which beckon me homeward to lay.
"
"ameloctopus has a trick to flee harm;
his autotomy works like a charm.
what's craunching on him
is left grasping a limb
and a tale of a throwaway arm.
"
"a commander is judged by his war,
and his war is assessed by the score.
a prudent retreat
is a shameful defeat.
when losing, commanders war more.
"
"baloney is sausage or tosh,
just as bilgewater's tosh or just slosh.
tommyrot is the same:
simply humbug so lame
that it's blather for parties faux posh.
"
"drinking beer is plebeian in cannes;
it's for tourists and film also-rans.
but champagne in a can
has finesse and ?lan,
at least for devout paris fans.
"
"clinton says, ""he's all hat and no cattle.
he is just selling hope in this battle.""
but, out on the range,
the people want change,
and louder and louder their rattle.
"
"mix six liquors?a baltimore zoo?
for a ""boozoological"" brew;
make it grenadine pink,
splash in beer, lemon?drink!
('twas invented by guys at purdue.)
"
"i have not heard a word since we parted.
did i dream of the fire that we started?
was it real? was it true?
did you feel the warmth too?
will you leave me ensnared, broken-hearted?
"
"a pirate sends greetings with thunder,
inflamed with the prospect of plunder.
there's nothing so jolly
as roger's rude volley,
striking gold-laden victims asunder.
"
"what a marvel was film's  fred astaire!
he was smooth and, what's more, debonair.
a hoofer so fleet
and light on his feet,
leading ladies were dancing on air.
"
"my church says, ""we have an excuse
to switch 'blood of the grape' with grape juice.
though the bible says wine
is the blood that's divine,
we can't let abstainers let loose.""
"
"i love every day of the week,
but friday is always the peak.
it smells like such fun
because school is all done
until monday. and then, i smell geek.
"
"i've discovered the girl of my dreams!
each touch is more telling, it seems,
for her beauty runs deep.
as from a dark sleep,
i awaken to love's shining beams.
"
"a beauty we call babelicious
is delicious beyond all my wishes.
but her arm candy charm
is a waste on an arm
because lips are designed for such dishes.
"
"easy winning makes triumph dilute;
all desire is enlarged in pursuit.
time sweetens the flavor
from bitter ? then savor.
it ripens the win like a fruit.
"
"a sheer baby doll is for sleeping,
but i fancy it's really for peeping.
just an innocent pout,
then, without any doubt,
into bed, baby doll, i'll be leaping.
"
"to the back of the bus you must go.
you are not one of us, don't you know?
and it's not 'cause your skin
is too dark to be ""in"".
it's because you won't go with the flow.
"
"the lake is so quiet i hear
the sound of a wing beating near,
then the splash as its flight
comes to rest in the night ?
now the cry of the loon draws a tear.
"
"though it may sound excessively crass,
armchair football can help catch a lass ?
a strong pass connection
will win her affection:
get it up for a long forward pass.
"
"he is missing when work is begun
because labor is not any fun.
some folks say, ""hey, mister,
you're just like a blister.
you appear when the job is all done.""
"
"in a velvety voice, i will croon
like sinatra or como, and soon,
in your eyes, love will shine;
you will sigh, ""you are mine!""
and then i will sing a new tune.
"
"complicit, indeed. you sure are!
it was your wit that pushed me so far.
all i did was reply
and, thus, it was i
who attracted the feathers and tar.
"
"some folks draw a line in the sand.
how brave! how heroic! how grand!
if it looks like a bluff,
one line's not enough,
and soon they'll have no place to stand.
"
"what song should i sing for defeat?
what praise are you due when you're beat?
when your ship slips the dock,
you may strut like a cock,
but you can't lead the way for the fleet.
"
"he says, ""fair enough. let it be.""
and that's close enough to agree.
though it isn't ecstatic,
or even emphatic,
""fair enough"" sounds like music to me.
"
"my praise i would offer if he
were to think and behave just like me.
i keep hoping, ""perhaps,
his poor judgment will lapse,
and, at last, he and i will agree.""
"
"it is true that i've often delighted
in writing fat cheques that i've kited.
but a criminal mind
that is willfully blind
has no fear of the words ""you're indicted!""
"
"salamanders and newts get a kick
showing off their caudata leg trick.
though their prospects look grim
when you lop off a limb,
a new one kicks in pretty quick.
"
"as a doctor, i stood by a bed
at the gate 'twixt the quick and the dead.
but today, in the hush,
i heal with my brush,
bringing life to a canvas instead.
"
"the beautiful people all twinkle
with artists and poets asprinkle.
they chitter and chatter,
ignoring the splatter
from flutes of champagne all aclinkle.
"
"consider a bodice, quite tight.
hanging up, it's not much of a sight.
but when borne on a swell
on which doting eyes dwell,
intelligent chatter seems trite.
"
"to go to the brink with a threat
is always a dangerous bet ?
but a tyrant with nukes
who ignores all rebukes
has discovered a sure cure for debt.
"
"a rogue was about to deflower
a virgin entranced by his power.
but his timing was bad
because home came her dad.
cold comfort he sought in the shower.
"
"i accept that your wardrobe should be
as refined as your high pedigree.
but you're dressed to the nines
in the best fashion lines,
while our income is only a three.
"
"i can see joyful toad on the road,
in her rv, her only abode.
with her paintbrush and boat
and the rest of her tote,
the road is the toad's motherlode.
"
"a blockhead's a bonehead, i'd say.
writing verse bad as this doesn't pay.
my preference: the boot
over endless dispute,
to escape getting hammered all day.
"
"though i know they are far, far away,
i can see them nearby hard at play.
their joyful embrace,
their tears on my face,
sweep them home, in a flash: father's day.
"
"on the trail, a man's horse is the source
of friendship and even discourse.
my steed dislikes rant
so i never put kant
or descartes ahead of the horse.
"
"he was guilty of great improprieties,
prompting a show of anxieties.
then his preaching grew shrill
and more bloated, until
the rascal was sacked for his pieties.
"
"i am banned, and there's nowhere to flee.
i am shunned by my friends. woe is me!
though my loss brings a tear,
still, my conscience is clear,
and the truth in my heart is set free.
"
"they're tricking an alien pest
into killing themselves in their nest.
when they switch their ant smell
aunts and uncles can't tell
friend from foe so they kill every guest.
"
"some hotties believe they're high-class
because of the wealth they amass.
simply hot, they are not.
they are hauter than hot ...
which makes them high-maintenance ass.
"
"if your teenager often sounds wack,
chill out 'cause it's prob'ly not crack.
though his argot sounds dope,
there is reason for hope ?
he rejects you, but always comes back.
"
"a chinook is a wonder to see,
both the fish and the wind off the lee
of the rockies out west.
but the one i love best
is the run that brings springtime to me.
"
"to excel, you must make your own way.
find your path, do your best, come what may.
give it all of your heart,
and complete what you start.
worthy feats will outlive feet of clay.
"
"the more change that occurs, wise men say,
time will show it remains the old way.
it may seem like ""the end""
but each fashion and trend
fades away, and the old still holds sway.
"
"clever marketing captures the buy
on an impulse: allure on the fly.
suggestions subliminal
seem almost criminal
'cause the brand is too slick for the eye.
"
"yesterday may appear mighty black,
yet tomorrow could open a crack.
if you stumble or fall,
keep your eye on the ball;
look ahead, and you'll never look back.
"
"most days i have no time for play,
or to laugh as i go on my way.
but a grin or a smile
will take me a mile,
and a chuckle will make my whole day.
"
"if you judge every person you see ?
""they are"" (or ""they're not"") ""just like me"" ?
that glance you've just taken
could well be mistaken;
a bigot is what you could be.
"
"there's a secret esconced in the bean,
you should know before venting your spleen.
just back off instead,
and you'll soon get ahead
by serving a jolt of caffeine.
"
"sleek barbaro hit the track rested
to sweep up the roses untested.
the next jewel awaits
at the pimlico gates,
then new york, where the best can be bested.
"
"do you know of the song with the line,
i'm walking the line ""'cause you're mine""?
the line johnny knew best
was the drunk driving test ?
the ""man in black""'s sin-ature sign.
"
"since new year's is here, let's resolve
to renounce all our faults. hence, ""dissolve!
depart! go away!
well, at least for today!
return, if you must, but evolve!""
"
"an old man begs for alms with a hat
as he lies on the street on a mat.
an umbrella stops rain
from soaking his mane ?
silver drops in his hat pitter-pat.
"
"your face was a gusher of fun,
as you splashed near our boat in the sun.
this image so strong,
which has lasted so long,
will blaze 'til your dad is all done.
"
"the spanish dispatched a great fleet
of galleons too large to be fleet.
sudden storms, hard to bear,
left them helpless and bare,
and, thus, the armada was beat.
"
"any change could be good, and you're glad,
or the change could be bad, and you're sad.
but of this, i am sure:
fickle fate will occur ?
so i'm grateful for all that i've had.
"
"when earp and his buntline drew near,
villains scrambled for cover in fear.
at high noon, earp's gun
would blaze in the sun
with thunder no victim would hear.
"
"a curmudgeon as sad as could be
grumbled, ""people and i don't agree.""
so he took as a pet
a stray dog that he met:
an old cur just as cranky as he.
"
"he hobbles around with a cane,
enfeebled by arthritic pain.
but new hips await
to shore up his gait,
and he's aching to hit the fast lane.
"
"she declared, ""someone else loves me true,""
to which he replied, ""good for you!""
she gasped: ""such extolling
is very controlling.""
amazed, he said, ""who controls who?""
"
"my life, like a grape on the vine,
when ripe, has a sweetness divine.
when picked, grapes will not
simply wither or rot,
'cause their savoury flesh becomes mine.
"
"he rode his high horse into battle,
to quiet the windmill's rude rattle.
he thrust and he parried
with arguments varied,
knee-deep in the carnage of prattle.
"
"with each step, his advance is more sure;
he is drawn like a fish to a lure.
then he leaps straight ahead ?
what more needs to be said?
he is caught in the tide of amour.
"
"a windfall was surely at hand,
but the gamble did not go as planned.
soaring gas futures flopped,
and six billion was dropped
when ernesto blew out over land.
"
"pride and prejudice won her acclaim,
not only because of its name.
jane austen was first
to write books with a burst
of true wit making romance a game.
"
"to me, it appears very odd
that a ""generalization"" is broad.
every general's demand
is a clear-cut command,
as if it proceeded from god.
"
"may god save the queen from herself
despite all her costume and pelf.
it may be her job
to personify ""snob"",
but her poses belong on a shelf.
"
"how clever your wordplay. well done!
it engages more eyes than my pun.
i'm the target of wit,
but it hurts not a bit
'cause returning your pun is such fun.
"
"you're entitled to question the chief,
but remember to beef up your beef.
cite your sources and quote
an informant of note,
or your chutzpah will bring you to grief.
"
"a crocodile's truculent grin
is not so admired as his skin.
he doesn't care whether
it's good for shoe leather:
it suits him to wear what he's in.
"
"your unspoken praise i surmise
when i see glowing pride in your eyes.
words of praise, i esteem,
but the height of my dream
is the praise that you cannot disguise.
"
"how lovely a dandelion's crown
until each golden petal falls down.
ghostly seeds we all dread
appear on its head,
and the wind blows them all over town.
"
"i am washing my hands of your rant
'cause your logic and proof are so scant.
yet, i must confess,
i prefer your b.s.
when you parrot my own precious cant.
"
"what a versatile word is hotel:
on the road, it's a highway motel.
for a quickie, half-price,
a notel will suffice,
and a dockside retreat's a boatel.
"
"let's give him a break to save face.
his loss is sufficient disgrace.
i hope he'll come back
for a stretch on the rack.
don't slay him, just spray him with mace.
"
"the average american's diet
is loaded with grease 'cause they fry it.
how tempting this plate
(but only to fate).
vegetarians won't ever try it.
"
"a flirtation is fun as a test
of appeal, but soon gone is its zest.
an affair cruelly dies
when the cuckold gets wise,
so a dalliance suits me the best.
"
"bernie madoff made off with a score
much bigger than any before.
his ponzi scheme grew
off the friends that he knew,
'til he ran out of dupes at his door.
"
"underrated, i think, is the newt.
as a fish, it's a sorry recruit.
but it grows limbs anew
when they're severed in two.
miraculous feet for a brute!
"
"savvy spin doctors make a tale tall.
any loss is no trouble at all:
""it's an incomplete win!""
that's the art of the spin!
breezy bafflegab cushions a fall.
"
"panic selling began at the bell
as traders dumped stocks while they fell
ever faster and faster.
window-leaping disaster!
the climax ? too few left to sell.
"
"a valentine's kiss i'll bestow,
like a prince on a frog, stooping low.
but the frog, fearing trouble,
will flee on the double,
and off, still a frog, it will go.
"
"what calumny strikes at me now
to throw me off course like the prow
of a menacing ship!
yet, i won't lose my grip.
straight ahead, undeterred, points my bow.
"
"acclaim, accolades and applause
can make virtues of personal flaws.
renown can be cloying,
and even annoying,
'til obscurity opens its jaws.
"
"there are times we chastise just for show
without knowing we reap what we sow.
is there hope of real gain
if we scold and complain?
if the answer is ""no"", let it go.
"
"it's the brightest white star in the night.
it's a dog, but this canine can't bite.
his bark might be stern,
or he could make you yearn
for the dog days of summer delight.
"
"nervous brides walk this lane in grand style.
(it must seem like they're walking a mile!)
to the altar it leads,
where communion proceeds.
how useful the simple church aisle.
"
"inflation erodes any sum;
in time it won't leave you a crumb.
a benjamin will
leave you short at the till,
if you're dollar-bill wise and ben dumb.
"
"it's my pleasure, at last, to amend
our relationship. please be my friend.
it is not that i care
to escape your dark stare,
but i need butt to kick in the end.
"
"sages say fortune favors the brave.
is your brainstorm a ""boo!"" or a rave?
will you sit idly by
when fate winks its eye?
it takes courage to catch the next wave.
"
"his eyes were agleam when he spoke
of fighting for freedom for folk
far away in iraq.
he won't ever come back,
and i cry for the faith that we broke.
"
"some phrases get sad people clappin',
some others get hip-hoppers rappin'.
this term you can banish
but, still, it won't vanish:
""that accident didn't have to happen.""
"
"let the reign of the truth now begin.
let it startle and break through the din.
can the earth bear the weight
of our greed and our hate?
is self-righteousness man's greatest sin?
"
"if you know something's wrong and don't look,
at your trial, they will say, ""you're a crook!""
the law won't be kind
if you're willfully blind ?
for an ostrich you could be mistook.
"
"the banks painted over greek debt,
then they structured a popular bet
that the debtor would crash
when it ran out of cash.
we're not out of the euro mess yet!
"
"verboten are thoughts roundly dissed.
do you think there is one i have missed?
not gone, only hidden,
are evils forbidden.
expunged they are not, just dissmissed.
"
"if a lover your heart swiftly steals
and then cruelly his love he repeals,
be assured, his own lust
will avenge what's unjust.
ineluctably, time wounds all heels.
"
"ill-mannered are those who are brass
'cause they're brazen and pushy and crass.
horns playing en masse
are known as the brass.
to a grunt, it's the officer class.
"
"ahead looms an ominous date
with beckoning fate at the gate
of heaven or hell ?
i really can't tell,
but destiny scorns all debate.
"
"hair of gold ... i was hers to command.
such enchantment no man could withstand.
i have memories fond
of this ""suicide blonde""
who dyed by her very own hand.
"
"never brief is a smart lawyer's brief:
when you're bored, there's still more overleaf.
fewer words might suffice,
but they come at a price,
because bulk gives his billing more beef.
"
"what makes it ok to say poo,
or poop when we go to the loo?
defecation is not
the best word we've got,
but that four-letter word is taboo.
"
"be faithful to one girl or guy;
use a condom or zip up your fly.
it's called abc,
but experts agree
some boneheads won't give it a try.
"
"if paris ends up in a cell,
her jumpsuit will cast quite a spell.
paris orange may become
just as glam as rose plum.
(even though prison orange looks like hell.)
"
"a crane can swing loads on a hook,
and a person can crane for a look.
a white, whooping crane
favors marshy terrain,
where the bird's favorite food can be took.
"
"a vixen in crimson is she,
as wanton as red-hot can be.
""my shameless desire
will set you afire,""
says her website, ""so 'enter' and see.""
"
"first a buzz, soon a cheer, then a roar:
a crescendo that rose with the score.
with each fearless attack,
our boys clawed their way back.
then, a gasp: they collapsed, as before.
"
"at his best, he is not even there:
so rare his descriptions, and spare.
all his characters speak
in a voice so unique
that their innermost selves are laid bare.
"
"a man's love can be called anatomic,
while hers can be called economic.
a man's organ fast grown
with fresh seed to be sown
makes his view of the world agronomic.
"
"abstain, or be faithful and true;
use condoms, a bush option too.
it's easy to preach,
but harder to teach
the head without any iq.
"
"a long pause, then a sudden attack;
caught napping, was i, way off track.
a good friend, with a smile,
turned his praise into bile,
as he stabbed all my work in the back.
"
"no tinge or scintilla of bruising
has wounded the work you're perusing.
i don't write anymore
just to even the score.
instead, i insult without choosing.
"
"from cradle to grave we all go,
from birth to the last breath we blow.
at the end of it all
is our last curtain call,
so we'd better get on with the show.
"
"at times, we must all take a stand
in a crisis that forces our hand.
we can't pass through this life
without woes, without strife,
but a failure, though sad, can be grand.
"
"durante's fond signature phrase
became an american craze.
he signed off his shows
(as the nose always knows)
by recalling his calabash days.
"
"if being the best i can be
falls below what i hope others see,
i can don a disguise
to achieve what i prize,
but the fool i fool most... is just me.
"
"goldman's trades were unnaturally sweet
because chance played no part in the feat.
they packaged bad debt,
then sold it and bet
toxic assets would flood out the street.
"
"no response could he give, not a blink,
but a brain scan revealed he could think.
now an mri glow
responds ""yes"" or ""no"".
he has coma long way from the brink.
"
"when it flows without effort, it's breezy,
which makes dancing the tango look easy.
though the prudish may scoff,
you can carry it off
in an outfit that teases with sleazy.
"
"as a tropical fruit, it's a deal:
so healthy and big, it's a meal.
a banana is fun
'til you slip when you're done.
that's the downside of having a peel.
"
"a crib is a bed for a tot,
as well as economies hot.
china, russia, brazil
and india still
grow ahead of the rest of the lot.
"
"two litres of beer every day
is good for your bones, doctors say.
but the trouble you brew,
and your beer belly too,
will flush all your blessings away.
"
"""all the best!"" can bring sadness or cheers
when you're saying goodbye to your peers.
those who know your true heart,
not to mention your art,
are ashamed of the carping and smears.
"
"can a fictional work tell us more
than the truth unembellished with lore?
fairy tales all deceive,
but the best make-believe
is enjoyed for the truth at its core.
"
"i refudiate only to teach
academics beyond my own reach.
like shakespeare i tweak
the words that i speak
to dissemble intelligent speech.
"
"today is the best that i've got.
all the rest may as well be forgot.
yes, tomorrow may come
(though i know not wherefrom)
but, if not, i will not care a lot.
"
"we may differ a lot or a little,
but it matters not even a tittle.
we may argue a ton,
but when all's said and done,
it is not worth the weight of our spittle.
"
"sarah longs for a comfier nest
like the family in father knows best.
soccer moms (mostly white)
off by heart, know she's right,
like a knight in a storybook quest.
"
"what i miss is your honest regret
for a barb you alone can forget.
your aim, whether true,
or completely askew,
leaves a wrong that is festering yet.
"
"each body of ore miners drill
is more valued than those soldiers kill.
it doesn't seem fair,
but the ore is more rare
than the blood leaders wantonly spill.
"
"i espy, but i do not discern,
for in seeing, i don't always learn.
""once bitten, twice shy,""
but unhindered we fly
too far to ensure our return.
"
"the taxman exacted a doomage,
a levy that clipped all my plumage.
my filing was late
(it still is to date),
which leaves me without wiggle roomage.
"
"the american dream, it's been said,
has kept us all forging ahead.
but lately i find
it's only in mind
when lying ... asleep in my bed.
"
"bite your tongue when a foe rocks the boat.
where's the gain if his taunt gets your goat?
rise above every dare.
bide your time and beware,
'cause a sharp tongue will cut your own throat.
"
"to do wrong in the name of the right,
is to cast into darkness the light.
those too proud to depart
from convention for art
have tradition, not truth, in their sight.
"
"black is white, i insist, so i hope
you will leave me to flounder and grope.
i can say what i will
'cause it gives me a thrill
to attract rave reviews as a dope.
"
"""antiques are much better than new,""
he declared, ""'cause they're tried and they're true.""
a chair caught his eye
so he gave it a try.
(i hope they will throw in the glue.)
"
"in reruns, old scotty will go
on and on beaming kirk in a glow.
though james doohan is gone,
one fine day before dawn,
he'll beam back as the star of the show.
"
"baby jessica slid down a well
and was stuck there for quite a long spell.
all the world came to pray,
so i guess you could say
that she rose to the top when she fell.
"
"a black swan is shocking to see,
and so rare, i declare, ""it can't be!""
it may seem absurd,
but i don't see a bird.
yet foul is the sight that i flee.
"
"deserving of mace as a spritz
is a ditz writing rhymes just like this.
it isn't a crime
if you can't make a rhyme,
but scatterbrains give me the fits.
"
"the most we can give is our blood
mixed with tears and our sweat in a flood
of passion and toil,
consecrating the soil,
the whole turning promptly to mud.
"
"an aura appears as a glow,
like a halo no photo can show.
like a gleam in the eye,
or a voice from on high,
we can't prove that it's there, yet we know.
"
"from a chicken, we hear only ""clucks"".
and ""quacks"" are the m?tier of ducks.
is there no fowl event
when either can vent
a ""brawk"" meaning ""life really sucks""?
"
"for certain, the end time is near:
it arrives on a pig, spreading fear.
if you really must sneeze,
do a dracula, please.
aporkalypse fever is here!
"
"my eyesight is long in the tooth
(as long in the tooth as my youth).
what appeared bright and clear
in an earlier year
is a blur in my dotage, forsooth.
"
"as a dancer, she's missing the look,
yet the judges can't give her the hook.
the tea party's vote
keeps her footwork afloat
so sarah can fox trot her book.
"
"the battle to have the last word
is amusing because it's absurd.
every jill, every jack
has to get in a crack
before all of the herd is reheard.
"
"there are things we can feel and not say
because only the heart knows the way.
it's the rush, it's the glow
when we suddenly know.
it's the brush of the truth when we pray.
"
"the deceitful, i think, have their uses,
despite all their lies and excuses.
idle virtue is lame
absent vice to declaim.
the righteous grow strong on abuses.
"
"a buff is no average joe.
he studies for fun, not for dough.
silver throws off a glow
when we buff it for show.
it's the same when we buff what we know.
"
"overrated, i'd say, is my zeal
to make of the foolish a meal.
of the sum that i write
they are only a bite:
a tidbit is not a big deal.
"
"a limerick is always in vogue,
whether told by a saint or a rogue.
but i fear that my verse
sounds slightly the worse
for the lack of a thick, irish brogue.
"
"an abundance of purring is due
to you and the cat who tamed you.
its affection, quite patchy,
and tongue very scratchy,
give hope you will take me in too.
"
"it's a small thing to fail when you know,
on your own head, alone, falls the blow.
but, when others are caught
in your dream come to naught,
there's no bedrock to bounce off below.
"
"""yo, blair. you're my man! what a friend
to stick with me wrong to the end.
you attracted some flak
for invading iraq,
but tough guys like us never bend.""
"
"a chicken lays eggs, that is true,
and, yes, we've laid more than a few.
but, most of the time,
a chicken can't rhyme
while it's clucking away, like we do.
"
"a lion's an arrogant beast;
his manners are crude, but, at least,
retromingent is he
when he pleases to pee.
you're in trouble behind at a feast.
"
"ready cash is the money you hold.
it can make us too hot or too cold.
the middle's just right,
neither wasteful nor tight ?
it protects us from spending too bold.
"
"a cabbage is known as a head,
but a wise word no cabbage has said.
the green leaves i tend
are the banknotes i spend.
trusty cabbage is my daily bread.
"
"a bucket can carry or spill.
it's a vessel we empty or fill.
if we kick it, all gone
is the life that once shone,
but all that it nourished lives still.
"
"the writing was there on the wall,
yet we paid no regard, none at all.
""we'll continue to win,""
we proclaimed with a grin ?
then the bottom fell out of our call.
"
"a niggle can toggle the brain,
and that is a help in the main.
a higgle, a haggle,
a sniggle, a snaggle,
neglected can drive us insane.
"
"sages say it's not volume but worth
that confers precious weight without girth.
many hundreds is none
when compared to the one
who erupts from the past like a birth.
"
"i am gone, i am taking a break.
i am chilling for everyone's sake.
the less said, the more heard,
so that's my last word,
until i repeat my mistake.
"
"a three-minute egg is a breeze,
yet there's no way to boil it with ease.
two won't do, nor will four,
only three, never more,
and not less, if you want it to please.
"
"happy days have arrived once again.
i'm delighted. what pleasure! and then,
i remember the past:
happy days never last.
being up makes me down about ""when?""
"
"a damsel i met (fair to see)
confessed, in distress, ""i must flee!""
bending knee to her need,
i offered my steed.
then she galloped away without me.
"
"champagne has extravagant fans,
so it always tastes better in cannes.
like much cheaper martinis
it goes with bikinis
abreast of the toniest tans.
"
"he's the subject of heated debate,
and a few want to show him the gate.
a b?te noire is this pest
who bedevils the nest.
he's the black hat the white hats all hate.
"
"one more tribute remains due to you.
i am chastened. indeed, how i rue
my objection to flaws
that brought me guffaws.
now those flaws are ok with me too.
"
"my plan is aground on a shoal
of the folks who don't wish to enroll.
it is not to their taste,
and they're sure it's a waste
of the time of the group as a whole.
"
"summer's coming to deep mossel bay.
it's already perfect, i'd say.
the sea freshens the air
'neath the sun's steady glare,
and the whales emerge sheltered each day.
"
"aging sadie (who's known as a pro)
to the altar is eager to go.
but her chances are few
for a sober ""i do"",
'cause her booty is turning to dough.
"
"at your coming or going, i peer
with enchantment on charms i hold dear.
your bosom, i toast,
but what i love most
is the view i behold from the rear.
"
"bring 'em back, dub. you cried, ""bring 'em on.""
please take your big dick and begone!
your swagger brings shame
to america's name.
when you're gone, what a thrill, a new dawn!
"
"the apocalypse always comes true.
it is fate 'cause the self-chosen few
insist that god's will
gives them license to kill,
as zealots in faith always do.
"
"a person without any class
has a penchant for talk that is crass.
such trash seems as rude
as a word crude or lewd
from a mouth that behaves like an ass.
"
"i am chastised for breaching the law
of decorum when panning your flaw.
is it fear of demotion,
or just my devotion
to standards that sticks in your craw?
"
"it is true that we never agree;
abrasive and scornful is he.
unrepentant, this pest,
but he brings out my best.
he's a muse, not a critic, to me.
"
"str is a check for a stroke.
make it fast or the victim may croak.
smile and talk, raise both arms ?
fail just one, sound alarms!
assume fire at the first sign of smoke.
"
"a lawyer can argue all day,
serving truth like dessert on a tray.
he will take either side
to acclaim or deride,
if a client is willing to pay.
"
"he told me, ""butt out of my life,
'cause i'm up to my eyeballs in strife.
i can't take any more!
get your ass out the door!
you are acting too much like my wife.""
"
"with a straight face, he said: ""i will miss you,
'cause gone is the pleasure to diss you.
i have little to say
without brash repartee:
if i wasn't so straight, i would kiss you.""
"
"should you see storm clouds billow and roll,
then consider locating a hole
where you may be quite safe
if tornadoes should strafe.
your whole goal's to lie low like a mole.
"
"a siskin called aberdevine
may be found near the rh?ne or the rhine:
a finch, yellow-green,
not pronounced with a ""veen"",
but rhymed with a beer mug ? a stein.
"
"when asked, sea anemones say,
""though biradial bodies now may
be no householders' phrase,
our symmetry plays
with bilateral-radial splay.""
"
"a fossil once said to its friend,
""we are this now for ages on end.
though asterials we be""
(former starfish asea),                                				
""this stone stage i can't comprehend.""
"
"the greek bireme's sharp chine-mounted ram
on its bow served to let their ship slam
through another ship's side
and disaster betide.
(due to sinking, those other guys swam.)
"
"though a client might move one fine day,
still a milk horse would halt to convey
to the driver the need
to leave milk, then proceed
to take empty glass bottles away.
"
"count p. stroganov's name was as shown,
but the entr?e he made is well known
as beef stroganoff, and
so we all understand,
space for recipe here is now blown.
"
"the amphibious anabas fish
can exist any place he might wish.
if conditions are dry,
it won't trouble this guy:
he'll just walk to a place that will squish.
"
"i painted stone walls while in prison,
unaware that an art had arisen.
""that's art brut,"" they would say,
but i've now gone blas?,
'cause the charms of such happenings wizen.
"
"as you weep, your brown eyes have gone blear
and your vision is suff'ring, i fear.
so the back of my hand
wipes your tear droplets, and
i'll remove the brass thumbscrews, my dear.
"
"reading music, you may soon discern
the word bis, which requires your concern,
for it means you repeat
the last passage complete ?
if you're paid, think of wages you'll earn.
"
"once a bishop had charge of a share
of a wee valley placed in his care.
'twas a bishopric small
and had no sin withal,
but potential therefor called for prayer.
"
"keep an eye on your aloe or fern:
watch for colour loss or just a turn
to a brown or dark spot,
for it may be black rot
which, for most, is a cause for concern.
"
"to say she is beamish is tame;
she shouts to divulge and proclaim:
""baby's due in july
and just may, by-and-by,
enjoy life in the limelight of fame.""
"
"i looked up an odd word: bedight.
it was found in my webster's, all right!
means: ""array"" or ""equip""
(say, with clothes from your grip,
or with wings if you're planning a flight).
"
"a prime coat turns gunmetal blue.
bluestone-lime coats keep curses from you.
dr. seuss's bright blues
teach kids words they can use.
hey! a bluecoat protects. (but you knew.)
"
"there's tall grass in the lot next to me
growing clumpy ?  i wish you could see!
little bluestem, this grass,
someone's mowing, alas!
ah, the mower's name rhymes ? he's mcgee.
"
"snowflakes fall while you're waiting in queue,
and you sprinkle ground herbs on your stew.
as we're casting the dice,
or at weddings with rice,
we bestrew thereunto with ado.
"
"distant ice that projects from the sea:
just the tip of a berg, we agree.
yes, there's much more below
(made of ancient dense snow).
zillion times it could fill your ?tui.
"
"there once was a blacksmith named dave
who hammered things out in a cave.
light inside was so dim
that he sang a short hymn
so the tools that were lost he shall save.
"
"there are some who become born again,
like a newt who regenerates when
his tail is lopped off.
although christians might scoff,
newts renew themselves better than men.
"
"a cobbler should stick to his last
where his errors are all in the past.
what lays people low
are the things they don't know,
and what they don't know shows up fast.
"
"amadeus, immortal young son
of salzburg, enthralls with a run
of music sublime,
transcending his time,
as divine as a bloom greeting sun.
"
"a cablegram oceans could hop
in the days of the telegram shop.
it was brief (have you heard?)
'cause you paid by the word.
then, abruptly, the message read stop
"
"i know i'm dead meat when i meet
hungry wolves that encircle to greet.
a vulture will stay
far away from its prey,
until death makes it ready to eat.
"
"the gallows awaits, i suppose,
but as long as i live i'll compose.
i may hang very soon
as a poet buffoon,
but my rhymes will survive in repose.
"
"better damned than not mentioned at all,
if you can't make your mark standing small.
you are under attack,
but, despite all the flak,
they all know who you are when you call.
"
"when we haven't a minute to spare,
some shortcuts can lead to despair.
i'd rather be be late
for a critical date
than arrive when there's nobody there.
"
"the achievement of one gives us all
the courage to rise to the call.
it opens the mind
wide as sight to the blind,
which allows us to rise from a crawl.
"
"empty threats won't excite fear or dread.
""go ahead!"" the reaction instead.
playing russian roulette
is not a sound bet
when you're aiming your gun at your head.
"
"oh, the shame! oh, the pain! oh, the swine
who imbibed our most precious ice wine!
bigly-flavored and bold
and exceedingly old ?
it was vintage of ninety and nine.
"
"a bimonthly was known in nantucket
as the every-two-months island bucket.
when the owner went broke,
the print union awoke;
two months later they walked out and struck it.
"
"besprent is a word from the past;
its usage today? far from vast.
generations ago,
every priest would well know
it's for those on whom sprinkles are cast.
"
"in old munich the glockenspiel's sound
summons tourists to come gather 'round,
vainly seeking the thing
which will make the bells ring.
(they aren't told where the bell push is found.)
"
"when imbibing, i simply must quit
my knitting and bind off the knit;
for if i do not,
my purls won't be what
are required for the garment to fit.
"
"they come on the wind once again
and fall now and then with the rain.
atmogenic examples
include many samples
from mountains that cough their terrain.
"
"to close up a gap in a lip,
an abb? flap, a lip tissue strip,
is the graft to pursue.
here's what surgeons must do:
from the opposite lip, deftly clip.
"
"the bilabial consonant ""p""
could be made if the lips were to be
placed together a piece,
followed by a release
when they're done, though that's no guarantee.
"
"on a night when she'd won diddly-squat,
her last quarter she shoved in the slot.
with the zeal of a vandal
she jerked on the handle,
and her fortunes turned blazingly hot.
"
"while it's only one stroke over par,
on a scorecard it's much like a scar.
the bogey can fill
golfers' minds with a will
to abandon their golf for the bar.
"
"once had aesop a fabulous goose,
and gold eggs were the prize she'd produce.
when a blain made her sore,
she laid metal no more.
a warm spritz and massage? of no use.
"
"biramous ? a natural state
of a lobster claw served on a plate,
or a viper's forked tongue,
in a zoo, there among
lingual shapes typifying the trait.
"
"wear the gloves when one's darkening skin
 lest dark palms, once quite light, bring chagrin
 and betray the charade
 that a bronzer has made ?
 and reveal where a body's not been.
"
"vessels' use and insuring terms vary.
some ply oceans while others may tarry.
all may turn upside-down
in blue water or brown.
assurers should always be wary.
"
"a drunk cook, mixing sweets like a mime,
stirred in spices, tabasco and thyme.
some found the taste,
even worse than a waste,
resembling no cr?me, but a crime.
"
"the crab cakes of chesapeake bay
are a signature dish with cachet.
to the boardwalk you're headed
for deep-fried and breaded?
or alternate versions gourmet.
"
"the birthwort, a wild, woody vine,
has smooth erect stems that entwine.
once thought of some worth
helping women give birth,
its use is now on the decline.
"
"copaiba, a yellowish goo,
is a fixative (much like a glue)
which helps varnish to stick,
like cement to a brick,
and one's perfume adhere. sacre bleu!
"
"let's review how to make angel cake:
beat some egg whites, add cake flour?don't shake!
blend in sugar and flavor?
might vanilla find favor?
put in tube pan, then oven, to bake.
"
"said one croton plant to another,
""i think you're my transplanted brother,
called 'highlighted fred',
who was scooped from the bed,
for your leaves have pink splotches like mother.""
"
"there's a poet who turns up his nose
at homophone rhymes. heaven knows
why the rhymes readers love
('cause they fit hand in glove)
are beneath his hauteur to compose.
"
"just about is fine most of the time;
one minute behind is no crime.
while experts split hairs,
no one else really cares;
it's like using a homonym rime.
"
"i think junior george needs a burp;
full of gas, he behaves like a twerp.
the chief can't decide
without dick at his side
acting just like a mafia perp.
"
"i'll return your offence if you slight me,
and it doesn't take much to incite me.
all it takes is a dare
in a glare or a stare
with a challenging look. want to fight me?
"
"my pet bird is astaire on the wing.
he's a hoofer who also can sing.
you will know why i crow
when he puts on a show ?
when he warbles, i swear i hear bing.
"
"rhino dung is extolled in some places:
in a composter, sweet are its graces!
though it makes flowers bloom,
it will bring only gloom
as a plaster for rich ladies' faces.
"
"we know that the devil can use
holy scripture to further his views.
yet, when we defend
common sense to the end,
neither devil nor saint do we choose.
"
"a crack in a bone causes pain,
while the crack in a pipe is cocaine.
the crack of a gun
is so loud it can stun,
and a wisecrack can tickle the brain.
"
"though he dines on live ants in the main,
an aardvark is haughty and vain.
while it seems aantithetical
his claim aalphabetical,
puts his name before beasts with more brain.
"
"let us bury the hatchet for good
because we all know that we should.
there is fault on both sides,
welts and scars on our hides,
but we can't always stand where we stood.
"
"cresson is a color that's green?
by comparison reckoned to mean
yellow-green, but more so
than a moss green would show;
and it's darker than pea green. how keen!
"
"if you think your stored carrots got shorter,
decreasing in size by a quarter,
an auxograph's reading
is just what you're needing
to rate change by a larder distorter.
"
"if your r?sum? lists a commission
as creat, provide definition
of one who's a fervent
aide, usher and servant,
to a master of riding position.
"
"a crevet, we learned in our classes,
is a crucible used to raise masses
to a dangerous heat,
so in lab they'd repeat:
we should always wear what? safety glasses.
"
"the crock-pot's a clever device;
the directions are clear and concise.
after setting the dial,
one must wait for a while
as it slowly cooks pot roast or rice.
"
"chianti's a tuscan red wine?
it's charming, this fruit of the vine.
some imbibe quite a lot,
while others take naught.
('tween enough and too much? a fine line!)
"
"my sheer nonsense and twaddle are blah
(like painting a flat latex bra).
also, blah means depressed;
i just can't be my best
when i'm blah speaking blah in patois.
"
"it grows in your old copper urn,
a green, acrogenic wood fern,
a blossomless plant
that remains flower scant,
which is natural, experts discern.
"
"this lake's full of marvelous fish.
they're contented as most fish could wish;
jack salmon are they,
and, when spawning, betray
their abdominal fins, which they swish.
"
"a defendant would finally wilt
as an alfet its sordid case built.
by boiling his arm
in a cauldron, such harm
was deemed proof of the poor fellow's guilt.
"
"some have crowns reaching fifty feet tall
and they're beautiful trees in the fall,
flaunting leaves brilliant red.
of these black gums, it's said
sylvan groves often lovers enthrall.
"
"howler monkeys aloft in a tree,
burst upon by a simian she,
gave a hoot, in duet,
""we were startled, and yet
won't regret a m?nage of we three.""
"
"it is good for a bride to be slim
and compact in her body and limb,
for a cumbrous physique
may inhibit technique ?
or diminish one's vigor and vim.
"
"his parents lacked birth plans, it seems.
he was not the fair child of their dreams;
was a dolt about town,
a cudden, a clown,
but he's one that the circus esteems.
"
"the darnel's a grass deemed a weed
if found in a grain field, indeed.
call it weed or a grass,
many plants of this class
provide for the future with seed.
"
"the act of undressing, called baring,
is sometimes considered quite daring.
once, in eden's green garden,
it needed no pardon ?
there was neither undressing nor wearing.
"
"if a crock holds the makings of beer,
a froth on the top may appear.
it's no cause for alarm ?
that foam is called barm,
and the batch will soon settle and clear.
"
"""by cause that"" is known as because,
a word that may also give pause.
""just because,"" one may say,
being simply blas?,
but this won't often prompt much applause.
"
"oh, whitening, withering, whit!
the sailors mishandled a sprit,
so we lost a bow sail
when along came a gale
and the mate in a fit kicked a bitt.
"
"from dawn until dark he baled hay.
then his boss said, ""don't worry, jos? ?
i'll pay you tomorrow.""
alas, to his sorrow,
no way did jos? get back pay.
"
"when a barn is abounding with moos,
right at milking time, we must excuse
how bovinely cows chat
about lactose or fat,		
and how cowhands' cold hands can abuse.
"
"define aether or ether. though either
is ""solvent"" or ""gas,"" einstein's ""neither
in physics 'fills space'""
lets the adjective case
of aethereal mean ""ghostly, but lither.""
"
"the seabird blue petrel's domain
is antarctica's isles, which contain
nests (below-ground abodes)
where, by turn-taking modes,
petrel parents defenses sustain.
"
"the banana seat's suited to few,
for quite soon, backsides seem cut in two.
the bike's slim, tapered seat,
though quite streamlined and neat,
can annoy just where comfort is due.
"
"when the topic's expense, bear in mind
bluefin tuna is one of a kind.
per pound pay three c's,
so with prices like these,
i'm to albacore tuna resigned.
"
"bimonthly: i looked it up twice
since it has dual meanings (how nice).
if it's journals i sought
was it six that i bought,
or (per year) twenty-four, for the price?
"
"o you dear, cold and frail icy 'sickle,
you are made as the water drops trickle
'til the weather 'comes snowy
and the north wind 'comes blowy.
for the 'sickle, the winter is fickle.
"
"the feathers had caused her to sneeze,
but she wore, notwithstanding unease,
her boa around
her neck. she was bound
in plumage of pink and cerise.
"
"a flexible, long, climbing stem
got its name from a verb (what a gem).
as the vines intertwined,
people changed the word bind,
making bine, sounding finer to them.
"
"the pitcher tried signing a ball,
but this thing's not for astros to scrawl.
it is astrograph gear
to project far and near
and map paths of the planets withal.
"
"volcanic eruptions nearby,
croconic in clouds to the sky,
sulfured each sunset drama
like robes for a lama,
deep saffron in vats of gold dye.
"
"a felon, with gun, mugged a guy
and dauntingly uttered, while nigh:
""if that's all you've got,
you ought to be shot!""
but he fled with two bucks and a sigh.
"
"the genus named croton is known
to include many species; they're grown
in our steamier climes.
one was favored at times
for medicinal uses alone.
"
"once a drunk told his missus this tale:
""got besotted and thrown into jail;
could not say my own name;
know not what was to blame,
for i'd nary a drop of pub ale.""
"
"the word crinite means tufted or hairy,
like the sideshow soprano named mary
who had a goatee,
and who (for a  fee)
would intone like a hirsute canary.
"
"should you happen to stir up a hive,
your sharp mind will so neatly arrive
at an action plan clear
(an effect of pure fear)
which consists of feet moving belive.
"
"the night heron is light and black-crowned.
 haunting wetlands, oft making no sound,
 this fowl waylays small frogs,
 plus things creeping in bogs,
 that in old and the new world abound.
"
"it's so easy to make squash crostini:
cut baguette oval slices (not teeny).
olive oil, brush atop,
bake all golden and plop
onto each a nice slice of zucchini.
"
"a wizard of old might devote
hours nightly to calcule by rote,
to divine the true meaning
of planets careening,
and fortunes of man they connote.
"
"a cornigerous feature of steers,
placed in pairs on their heads near the ears,
are horns of a sort
(perhaps long, maybe short)
which may figure in some texas cheers.
"
"beside is a word tried and true;
one meaning is simply ""next to"".
those beside themselves get
all excited, upset,
though for some that's not anything new.
"
"the sun's visage appears bit by bit?
""also rises,"" as hemingway writ.
but creep up in the west?
that's just hard to ingest.
that one's not our old sol, i submit.
"
"at a heartbreaker picture, she weeps.
flicks of horror just give her the creeps.
at movies romantic,
she's transformed wild and frantic,
but at technical films she just sleeps.
"
"a person who meets you for lunch,
or for dinner or breakfast or brunch ?
though a convive, it's true ?
has no duty towards you
to amuse, as you chatter and munch.
"
"a smart way to enjoy food t'day
earns a cheer: hip, hooray, crudit?s!
they're so simple to fix
(just cut veggies like sticks)
for the vegan or hungry gourmet.
"
"a saccharine ruse may deceive
if a mark is quite young or na?ve.
crooked coggery may
lead a person astray
to be conned by sly tricks up a sleeve.
"
"where gators keep watch on the shore
of streams teeming with crawlers galore,
in this creeky domain,
when it gets ample rain,
one frog croaks, then ""harrumph"" go fourscore.
"
"the culotte (as in one) is a pair,
or culottes are some ready to wear.
cut to seem like a skirt,
but quite clever and pert,
these are trousers she flaunts with a flair.
"
"though bones mother hubbard stored there,
her old cupboard, at times, was quite bare.
she lived (likely) alone,
for the storage of bone
causes odors unlike your gruy?re.
"
"when milk has been soured or cured
(whether dairy or soybean), ensured
is its change into lumps
as its protein forms clumps:
then consider, a moment, the curd.
"
"twisted roots of a plant in his drink
might make swollen parts ease, if not shrink.
this is bistort, an herb
(and astringent superb)
for external use only, some think.
"
"in the village a daily dispute
was about their suave regent's new suit.
some said bengaline's it.
one felt such was unfit,
claiming khaki could clad king knute.
"
"once an oracle's words were poetic
and imagined to be quite prophetic,
so that delphic advice,
rather vague, but concise,
was a balm to the ear and aesthetic.
"
"if you care for a friend quite a lot,
and are there when you're wanted, on spot,
then for such bonhomie,
you could possibly be
deemed a crony of someone, that's what.
"
"when the quake made all sixty chimes fall
from the belfry to floor there withal,
on that bell deck were they
in complete disarray
(charlie richter wrote tilt on the wall).
"
"for a lofty, secure nest or base,
a creviced cliff offers a space
in its narrow rock cracks,
where a bird might relax,
knowing predators feel out of place.
"
"a cratch is a rack that holds hay
for livestock to eat if they may
be permitted to munch
such fodder for lunch
(or a snack, with the farmer's ok).
"
"if sick as a dog you are feeling,
with bellyache, headache and reeling,
as you yelp and you whine
and display aaron's sign,
your infected appendix is squealing.
"
"once to decorate, one would decore,
perhaps fix what was seamy before.
now, it's quite obsolete
(just the word, not the feat).
it's still done, but now costs a lot more.
"
"saint paul penned two letters, at least,
in the mode of corinthiac priest.
he wrote, scrawled in greek
(then considered tr?s chic),
to the christians in corinth, near east.
"
"ship alarms must quite promptly advise
in event the bilge water should rise,
so all crew members know
of unusual flow,
and take actions their captain deems wise.
"
"a dabber (a person who dabs)
may touch lightly, or gently make jabs.
one dimensional? no.
talks on phone? maybe so.
and if so, there's a dabber who blabs.
"
"riders sit and they stare through the glass.
when kids joyfully wave as they pass,
most will quickly wave back
to the bunch by the shack.
nearly all bus line clients show class.
"
"if your tie's looking less than pristine,
'cause the food that you've spilt's gone unseen,
such a crufty old stain
may forever remain,
whatever the type of cuisine.
"
"when the sailors of vessels debark,
a ship's mate may be heard to remark,
""you're now going ashore
so take care what you pour.
too much grog and you may miss your ark.""
"
"have a bristle or tuft of a few?
the scots call it birse (you may too).
to the scots, so they tell,
it means anger as well;
many actors can birse right on cue.
"
"""a peaked crest or a ridge on a bone
is a crista ? perhaps not well known.
one is found in my head,""
the mad scientist said,
""and in igor's, my look-alike clone.""
"
"when you bowse, you are using your brain
to lift while avoiding a strain.
just employ block and tackle,
use appropriate shackle;
finish healthy and free from all pain.
"
"ship assurers at times may each sign
an agreement to jointly combine.
then they thus coinsure,
each, in part, to secure
with insurance, say, vessel or line.
"
"a pointillist artist supplies
dabs of colour, arranged in such wise
that the dabber's dabs form
p'rhaps a landscape with storm,
or sweet maidens with big dreamy eyes.
"
"should you hear that some chap is a cheat,
say ""alleged"" if no crow you would eat;
this could save you some woe
should he show it's not so,
so take care with the tales you repeat.
"
"what beautiful birds are blue grouses!
the males look a lot like their spouses,
but a cock's yellow patches,
no hen ever matches
(except in cartoons ? some wear blouses).
"
"chiropractic ascription's a flair,
 with talent to pinpoint what's there
 causing twitching or pain,
 and then to explain
 how adjustments repair the affair.
"
"on an architect's desk, one may see
a few technical sketches (croquis):
maybe chic arts and crafts,
and although just rough drafts,
they're remotely backed-up on cd.
"
"making books is a bindery chore;
ordinarily paper, galore,
is fastened together ?
some with backs (rarely leather),
as were bound back in book days of yore.
"
"my old webster's has naught to convey
on bichromated, 'cept that chrome may
be combined with a gum,
and that is how some
made photos, a way now pass?.
"
"we once saw it on public tv ?
 the cypre, a tropical tree.
 in the picture it shows
 creamy blossoms. it grows
 in a grove on a verdant west key.
"
"it's a problem for people like me:
the ""as soon as"" in asap.
with my feet in the way,
i can't even sashay ?
i'd be slow at a snail jamboree.
"
"never broil a brown blucher 'til blue.
it's no trout, after all ? it's a shoe ?
a half boot, if you please,
and it fits one with ease,
who appears thereupon well-to-do.
"
"for avoidance of theft, let's suppose
a museum opts not to expose
its relics to view.
so, leaving no clue,
artifactual copies it shows.
"
"silver halide thin coatings on plate,
if exposed to the light in that state
and then mercury-kissed,
by a vaporous mist,
may disclose some daguerrean trait.
"
"to serve god are monks' customs austere
and when cloistered remain largely clear
of the world just outside
where temptations abide,
as they pray for us year after year.
"
"when a kid is confined after class
 or a crate's stopped in customs, alas,
 it is just a convention
 that is known as detention.
keep your cool, for it surely will pass.
"
"aptly called, since it means ""deftly done"",
a fair maiden named crisply had fun:
with ?lan she might do
something rude and taboo,
and conclude ere one knew she'd begun.
"
"in some peaches the fruit's tightly held
by a pit that can grasp like a weld.
such a seed is a clinger,
like a lover who'd linger
after having been firmly expelled.
"
"a detective inspects with a view
to dissect all the facts through and through,
thus examining parts
in the hope that he charts
a detectable truth or prime clue.
"
"practiced colature (straining technique)
is performed by top chefs as we speak.
while just pasta some sieve,
many others may give
a fruit sauce or a soup a nice tweak.
"
"if your cell phone should go on the blink
and fall silent, i'd venture to think
that technology's not
reaching this, a dead spot.
even smoke signals there always sink.
"
"though a boarding-school daygirl named tess
spent each night at her parents' address,
she was chaperoned well.
but in barrooms they tell
of a time, oh ? but now we digress.
"
"when one deafly behaves it may mean,
though the sounds which arrived were quite keen,
that perception was not
what this listener got.
(often wax in the ears may be seen.)
"
"our divan, with no back, is so firm
any visitor seated will squirm.
not a lounge for a rest
that its form would suggest,
every nap taken there is short term.
"
"since distressedness may be a state
of great pain, an unfortunate fate,
call the doctor to say
you need help right away.
disclose facts like the feasts that you ate.
"
"every morning i look in the glass
there to find new disorder, alas.
my disheveled fa?ade
and coiffure now look odd ?
plainly smack in neanderthal class.
"
"flecks of lichens called crottle endure
upon stones and, at length, shall mature.
of these, dyes may be made
and supplied to a trade
like a yarn mill for woolen couture.
"
"had a laundromat mishap today;
what was white got a hue that will stay.
now pastel ? that's all right,
it's the yellowish-white
of a cream-colored tea rose bouquet.
"
"there's a spot in our garden that's wet,
full of beautiful cattails, and yet,
while this bog plant is nice,
we've received sage advice:
keep mosquitoes at bay. they're a threat.
"
"when the grass on your lawn, though once green,
becomes russet in spots, it may mean
that the brown patch is there
(it's a fungus ? not rare)
and needs fungicide sprayed by machine.
"
"to discover america, chris
sailed due west, finding nothing amiss.
in his logic, it fitted.
he later admitted
expectations were other than this.
"
"as we cut and examine a part,
say, a specimen's liver or heart,
we dissect and thus see
just how mortal are we,
for all organs shall stop if they start.
"
"once a scholar, sans tenure, in need,
given archives, discovered a deed
for land layered with lava,
in a place east of java
where hadean research might proceed.
"
"the craton (a core mass of land)
is deemed quite immobile and grand,
but with each passing day,
what's on top wears away,
and large stones may become grains of sand.
"
"ever smooth, but a few termed uncouth,
are the paintings of mr. demuth.
his gold figure of five
is a still life ? alive,
celebrating that number, forsooth.
"
"most tequila's high priced, as supply
of its source, blue agave's awry,
while mescal (from maguey)
has a cost that's okay ?
there's the optional worm one may buy.
"
"a devoir is the reason i came ?
to salute men who gained bursts of fame
before raging bulls running
at pamplona, with cunning,
leaping clear as big bovines took aim.
"
"when the yugo was in my possession
it was driven with utmost discretion.
all that denting was done
when the thing wouldn't run,
with my boot, in a fit of aggression.
"
"cozy fur makes a cold bear quite rare,
but there's something more common ? colbert.
it's a sauce, to be brief,
made with extract of beef
creamed with butter, some herbs and great care.
"
"a detergent is stronger than soap,
and its power to clean has more scope
to remove awful blots,
oily stains or such spots,
and permit savvy home-folk to cope.
"
"cleopatra did learn fine egyptian
and she wrote in demotic inscription.
moving left from the right,
with no spaces, she might
have inscribed an asp venom prescription.
"
"most bugs, it appears, can relate
to the clypeus (insect head plate).
it's a sclerite that's hard,
and one function's to guard
a fine face that is dear to its mate.
"
"hearing chibchan, there comes a time when
panamanian children begin
to mimic their mater.
indeed, what could be greater
than mom's language to nurture within?
"
"a raw crepance is simply a sore
caused by horseshoe or hoof  ? and what's more,
it's a wound self-inflicted;
some say it's restricted
to the hind legs and seldom the fore.
"
"if a dervis (or dervish) should whirl,
his white garments stand out in a swirl.
he may point with his hand
to the sky or the land,
but the faith of this monk won't unfurl.
"
"""reddish-brown"" is what coppery means,
like old photos with sepia scenes.
darker still is the roux
for a gumbo, that's true ?
russet-hued, like a cent or baked beans.
"
"when we sought cheekpiece straps from suppliers,
they sent chickpeas, instead, to us buyers.
we said, ""no! bridle tack,
for a horse at the track,
is what thoroughbred chic-peace requires.""
"
"an old flivver (a small and cheap car)
roughly carries its load, and not far,
and yet people derive
immense joy from a drive
to relive vintage ""jostle and jar"".
"
"ancient greeks ate their meals while reclining,
spending hours in that way, gaily dining.
did their elbows grow tired?
was a pillow required?
and did spines later on need aligning?
"
"nazis used the enigma machine
which had ciphers so clever and keen,
but soon code-breakers knew
to decrypt with this clue ?
""heil hitler!"" as sign-off routine.
"
"an old realm of the derring, trapeze,
may require lofty catchers to seize
girls and guys from thin air,
then return them with flair
to their swings, with remarkable ease.
"
"when the heavens are clear some fine night,
use your radio scope for it might
find a furtive dark star
whose emissions are far
from the spectrum of visible light.
"
"the cucumis genus includes
many perfectly luscious, fresh foods.
as a cool guy once said,
when on muskmelon fed,
""it reminds me of cucumber, dudes.""
"
"when she woke up that morn with a pang,
a song heard in a dream she then sang,
with notes that infuse
the bluest of blues,
and the words sweet as creole meringue.
"
"it is called a black book (not in praise),
which with malice lists names so to raise
the ill favor of some,
and those files thus become
shabby records of rancorous ways.
"
"a dead body does differ from live
for the latter can talk and connive.
but the former? deceased,
lacks a heartbeat, at least,
and won't move when you say, ""gimme five.""
"
"a french vineyard's officially cru
when authorities test the fine brew,
then, should standards it meet,
deem that vineyard elite.
appellations of cru are grand too.
"
"wimpy hill is a ski slope so slight,
with a few inches snowfall at night,
this declivous low mound
may seem nowhere around
in a search by the morning's first light.
"
"they say dallop's a word now pass? ?
obsolete as a square bale of hay
(and not nearly as plump).
it meant ""tuft"" or a ""clump"",
which describes my late uncle's toup?e.
"
"that pickpocket ""deftly"" was one
with a name that meant ""dextrously done.""
he could pick pockets bare
with incredible flair,
then be gone ere one knew he'd begun.
"
"clivus means down-sloping plane
(plus, it labels a bone near the brain).
want more?  just supply
the plural, clivi.
both are latin, if one need explain.
"
"epidermis was dry and so rough.
like a hound, skin was loose and quite tough,
but by asking around
was a remedy found ?
body lotion, most felt, was good stuff.
"
"now, contristate's considered pass? ?
a word of just slight use today.
it still means ""to make sad,""
oft for reasons so bad
consolation won't take woe away.
"
"there's declension of breathtaking scope
on the downwardly bending of slope,
and so those who pass firs
on their skis are just blurs,
who avoid quaking aspens, we hope.
"
"the deductor, a small pilot whale,
is oft black with a belly quite pale.
on soft squid does it munch
for both breakfast and lunch
and such other times mollusks avail.
"
"a magician may box up a chick.
(so it seems, but we know it's a trick.)
then he bids her adieu
as she's sawn right in two
and rejoined with waved wand. that's his shtick.
"
"desert boots, which to ankles extend,
made of super-soft leather, soon bend.
walk for miles with a smile
in a chic crepe-soled style:
an oasis of calm will descend.
"
"on i-10 is old deming, a town
where once railroads met up; they drove down
a fine silver rail spike,
then cheered and the like,
and to progress made toasts all around.
"
"""well, the devil's in details,"" i say,
""trifle not with the evil one, pray.""
we need but to recall
they're important, though small.
missing bricks make a wall fall away.
"
"by authority vested in me
i assign and depute unto thee
our fine-wine-tasting duty
(try the sweet and the fruity)
for our gout has inspired this decree.
"
"beating copper ? an artist inventing
sculpts important new works he calls denting.
his evocative style
may begin to beguile
with impressions (called dings) he's augmenting.
"
"a cierge is a candle of wax
often used in some rites to the max.
even moses, they say,
bought grosses. today,
aromatics (of six) come in packs.
"
"fans of coptis, a low growing herb,
deem its bright yellow rhizomes superb.
for they offer relief
when your stomach gives grief,
though their harsh, bitter taste may disturb.
"
"bistros range from the plain to bizarre.
a distinctly small diner or bar
may have spirits and song;
just pop in or stay long.
eat a bite, sign the tab, hear guitar.
"
"a desert, dry wind, a finale
like a painting by salvador dali;
no trolley, no bus,
timbuktu's far from us,
and bambara is spoken in mali.
"
"if two drops on a lily should fuse,
it's romantic as hell, but not news.
when two wheels roll as one,
that's bicyclic ? and fun!
so let's pedal real fast ? we can cruise.
"
"to search for a meal on a shore,
a sandpiper finds, is no bore.
just to beachcomb is bliss;
to be elsewhere, remiss ?
and has seldom occurred heretofore.
"
"a wonderful thing is the bead,
oft the size of a pea or a seed.
there's a hole, straight and true,
from one side and right through,
so it fits on a string well indeed.
"
"a portraiture artist in lima,	
working always according to schema,
with the paint still quite wet,
finished blonde and brunette
in a style which is called alla prima.
"
"my grandmother's hair is called blae.
(it's blue with a touch of steel gray.)
what a clever disguise!
but loose lips are unwise ?
she's a witness who's hiding away.
"
"once one slept upon mats in the loft
and complained that the bed wasn't soft;
with just bedstraw to stuff
pallets, lumpy and rough,
one rose early to tend hearth and toft.
"
"at odd times when i blether and slur
and am not understood, i refer
those around me to notes
on large placards, in quotes,
like ""i'm victim of bathtub liqueur.""
"
"seek you romance or simply repose?
pluck a lily or fragrant red rose.
there's a garden for you
farther on, out of view ?
just beyond your ""what ifs"" and ""who knows"".
"
"mind the rules playing murder most foul;
disobey ? other players will growl.
an enforcement device
that's built-in and precise
could oblige one to throw in the towel.
"
"overcooking will sometimes dismay
fans of pasta who hate it that way.
some say, ""firm to the bite:
mastication delight!""
that's al dente. go try some today.
"
"one may find truly clouterly verse
that's not meant to be vapid (or worse),
but some rhyming endeavor
might have been rather clever
were it not for the homophone curse.
"
"obsolete is disshiver (a verb).
it meant more than to simply disturb.
when one did it, he broke
things to bits in one stroke.
some were smashing displays ? quite superb.
"
"when you phone for a taxi, kind sirs,
the live person who answers refers,
in an act called dispatch,
to a hack one may catch
for a ride, if the cabby concurs.
"
"a box camera's form is like that ?
of its six sides are five largely flat,
but the sixth, or the face,
has a round, open place ?
there's the lens (just to note where it's at).
"
"see the cups that are hanging below
the pine shelf in my house? did you know
some brass cup hooks up there
are what handsomely bear
my best china, all proudly on show?
"
"licensed pharmacists ably dispense
most prescribed medications and hence,
lest some dose go awry,
make their clients supply
doctor's orders that clearly make sense.
"
"should a lady have reason or dread
and renege on agreement to wed,
she should soon disengage
at an opportune stage,
ere ""repeat after me"" has been read.
"
"to dish up ordinarily means
serving victuals, like chili and beans.
at some homey caf?s,
plated catfish fillets
come with hush-puppies, french fries or greens.
"
"when one adds the familiar ""as yet"",
then so far nothing's changed?things are set.
it's like someone postponed
paying back what was loaned,
which is often the case with a debt.
"
"say some lumberjacks labor to clear,
or delignate, the land far and near,
then all pine, oak and yew
they would chop, saw and hew
to make all of the trees disappear.
"
"there's a cuesta, so-called nine mile hill.
on its slopes fossil shells are found still.
once the floor of an ocean,
geologic promotion
sheered its face, but the backslope's no thrill.
"
"among sages are few who seem wiser
than (perhaps) a top-rated deviser,
charting moves with finesse,
planning steps as in chess ?
one quite clever, strategic advisor.
"
"cosmetologists sometimes confirm
they can curlingly coif a pert perm
which retains a tight kink,
and not loosen nor shrink
for some while (not defining the term).
"
"copernicia's foliage fan
catches sunlight whenever it can.
most such palms like it warm
for some frosts can deform.
thus few grow in wyoming's cheyenne.
"
"i was left, in aunt phoebe's sweet will,
a large house, with red light on the sill.
this sage dame, the devisor,
left advice, too. i'm wiser.
and the girls? all found work in brazil.
"
"an old flask on the beach held a curse
and a genie: malicious or worse.
no advancement had he
to bestow upon me,
just demotion ? my wish in reverse.
"
"once, reviewing wet verbs that they knew,
people voted to lose one or two.
""rains disperge us,"" they said.
now it's sprinkle instead,
for the d-word was bidden adieu.
"
"there's a tool called a darby which shows
up on jobs where the tradesmen compose
the refined plaster coat.
as one said, ""now i float ?
smoothing out the too-highs and the lows.""
"
"a compliment coming from you
is a pleasure (though long overdue).
backhanded it was,
still, it does what it does:
it alerts me to perils anew.
"
"a caper is my kinda fun
(which explains why i'm still on the run).
it ain't just the mob
that can pull off a job,
living large at the point of a gun.
"
"the president wields a big stick,
at home or abroad, take your pick.
from stem cells to war,
he is never a bore ?
and a heartbeat away is a dick.
"
"in this corner, dejected, i sit
like a dunce with a wit dimly lit.
i'm repentant again
(as i am now and then),
so i find myself humbled ... a bit.
"
"what crudeness a fart can impart
(though many proclaim it an art).
bad enough is the sound,
but the smell all around
gives offence to a raspberry tart.
"
"i bought all the bargains, of course,
like that whip, without buggy or horse.
but the next day i knew
(with my rent coming due)
the true meaning of buyer's remorse.
"
"what is bawdy is changing anew.
baring ankle was once derring-do.
once a bust, proudly thrust,
was incitement to lust.
now it's mostly for casual view.
"
"your lighthouse ? i thought, ""why not chuck it?""
then i heard that it comes from nantucket.
your logo is fine
once we 'get' the design.
an oyster's all shell till you shuck it.
"
"your face always brightens my day,
and your smile turns my labour to play.
but that's just the start
of your boon to my heart,
'cause your touch can sweep stormclouds away.
"
"in baghdad a lady was wed
by arrangement, no love in her bed.
shining ali appears,
kissing dry all her tears.
she embraced him, and ali fell dead.
"
"flat of bottom, for shallows of note,
the old dory, a small fishing boat,
without style or much grace,
will, of course, still displace
enough water to cause her to float.
"
"found in europe, one woodpecker there
is quite small, and though birdwatchers stare,
they may miss this wee guy,
for the crankbird may hie
to a tree's other side ? and seem rare.
"
"let's send dirt to the gulf's exposed shore
so cyclonal events may no more
wreak such havoc down there.
and that dirt comes from where?
subway tunnels when dug by the score.
"
"derne (the verb) means ""to skulk"" or ""to hide"".
every fugitive seeks or has tried
rustic dens tucked-away,
niches where one may stay ?
even grottoes where creepers reside.
"
"to demount is to take things apart,
like the switch of a gasoline cart,
but perhaps with a view
to replace it anew
and to hope the contraption will start.
"
"if its bill tips should cross as they close,
the small finch is indeed one of those
called a crossbeak, which could
open seeds others would
seldom crack with straight beaks that oppose.
"
"in my fields you may see dallis grass ?
fine forage, all plants of this class ?
cut and baled up as hay;
'twill perhaps, one fine day,
through digestion become methane gas.
"
"aboard ship is a hold down below
called a chain locker. there sailors stow
lengths of cable, still moist ?
it's the moorings they hoist,
for sans anchors aweigh they won't go.
"
"some will say it is mainly her eyes
which she uses to devilize guys.
but a smooth pas de deux
like the tango takes two,
as do other pursuits that arise.
"
"sail school clipper ship class was so fast
she could swiftly cross distances vast,
but encountered freak seas
which sheared masts with great ease,
so the captain cried out, ""class dismast.""
"
"human heads possess cranial bones
which protect vital parts that one owns,
but may not be enough
for such delicate stuff.
so wear hard hats in hazardous zones.
"
"an old creutzer (or kreutzer), a copper
coin in austria once had been proper
legal tender to use,
but it came as no news
being poor helped one be a great shopper.
"
"some dialects use the word dern
(most say ""darn"", but that's of no concern).
just an expletive's meant,
not to swearing extent
(some confuse with sock mending, in turn).
"
"in a dance palace, strictly by chance,
an instructor of can-can from france
drew my name from her hat
for tutorials at
a big discount when paid in advance.
"
"an amorous couple was mating
on a zeppelin, somehow deflating.
and what was amiss?
it was not just the hiss:
the long fall from mile high ? scary dating.
"
"coesite forms when some meteors crash
and such crystals take shape in the smash.
hot meteors rain
upon hills and the plain,
but when they strike water, they splash.
"
"where large rivers demarcate frontiers,
changing flow alters borders for years.
on one side of the course
may rule royal armed force
where dominion was once that of peers.
"
"codfish curing with salt will delay
the last date one must cook, so they say.
the greek feta is cured
in a brine, we're assured,
for without it that cheese might decay.
"
"in a churchyard near gravestones they grow:
the wild flora which fauna all know
pop out daisylike there,
being pushed up from where
the departed bide time down below.
"
"a good brandy or cognac may aid
one's digestion, and reflux evade.
such digestif, some say,
is a snifter away,
and is worth every penny that's paid.
"
"""slightly dark in its color or shade""
is deemed darkish, which may seem clich?d.
the word's used to compare
trendy tints in dyed hair
or the hue of new jeans, though both fade.
"
"once the famous old master named titian
in a dream found a future commission
where computers would aid
printing cyberart made
of his pablo van rijn ? a transition.
"
"any small or young dove, many know,
is a dovelet and, while it is so,
cooing lasses confirm
that it's also a term
they are dubbed now and then by a beau.
"
"i don't drink any more, though i drank,
and when drunk watched my mind going blank.
when a cocktail was strong
or the evening was long?
""you've been  drinking,"" she'd say, ""to be frank.""
"
"on a sunday (or something's amiss)
dominica was christened by chris,
who wrote dates in the log,
as a memory jog,
for columbus named islands like this.
"
"a remainder amount, though quite small,
may yet linger to please or appall.
just a dreg of compassion
may be all one can fashion
for a golf rival slicing the ball.
"
"scuba divers will not disagree
that the depths can be cold out at sea,
but the chills they withstand,
when submerged far from land,
clad in dry suits with warmth guarantee.
"
"	in caf?s some will have the crustacean,
	gorging lobster like ending starvation.
	hungry diners withdraw
	meat from tail or from claw
	drenched in fat of a bovine lactation.
"
"a concoction is something quite new;
perhaps silken, a sauce or fondue.
the noun coction means ""boiling""
(rhyming nicely with toiling) ?
poor technique making tea or a stew.
"
"women's catalogs come in the mail.
all the models look thin, if not frail,
and the cami-clad lasses
never seem to wear glasses.
if they did, few would note that detail.
"
"eve desirously started to eat
when the serpent alleged (with deceit)
the banned fruit conferred clout.
thus she soon figured out
wearing leaves of the fig tree looked neat.
"
"	 a dinmont is simply a sheep	
                that's been castrated. thus, shepherds keep,
                 from year one to age two,
	 males ok  for a stew.
	 (no, the ""baa"" never changes to ""peep."")
"
"	chinese brown sauce, with little ado,
	starts with beef broth plus soy's darkest brew.
	add a smidgen of bisque.
	as it boils, you should whisk
	in brown sugar. then, stir in a roux.
"
"interjections include words like drat,
which are used at those times like when fat
falls on barbecue fire, 			
making stains on attire,			
and occur at the drop of a hat.
"
"in my kitchen, one fixture's design
has a long, slender rod made of pine.
on this half-inch thick dowel
is a roll ? paper towel ?
to mop up mistakes (never mine).
"
"the word dureful (at present  pass?)
once meant ""lasting"", like day after day.
it was spoken awhile,
but has gone out of style,
unlike taxes and passing away.
"
"crossword puzzles avoid it today;
out of style, the word once would convey
roller coaster suggestion,
bends and turns without question,
ever curved like, perhaps, dna.
"
"expert fishermen opt to rely
on a lure they construct ? a false fly.
of the dry fly, it's said
it has feathers and thread,
and remains on the surface thereby.
"
"though disquieted's seldom expressed,
it's an adjective used to suggest
an uneasy affliction,
be it real or fiction ?
so lay off me; i'm anxious and stressed.
"
"the small birds one finds wading near shore
may be dunlins that birders adore.
lively sandpiper skills		
and slight down-curving bills
permit noshes in sands they explore.
"
"a potage called du jour often means
it's on offer today with mashed beans
that can make a fine goop
when they're added to soup,
and served first in most dining routines.
"
"such as mousse found in many cuisines,
the word drovy (an adjective) means
something turbid, opaque,
like what mayo chefs make,
or kids' mud pies in playtime routines.
"
"hurtling earthwards, a meteor could
change our lifestyle, and not for the good.
crashing somewhere, it might
be at best a rare sight,
or destroy us. (let's all knock on wood.)
"
"on a jamb of our door daubed with skill
is the nest of an insect, there still.
though of mud it is built,
we could not bear the guilt
of clearing away with a kill.
"
"in a lift rode a visiting fella
to the penthouse enjoying the ele-
vator music piped in
(most by irving berlin).
""to hear blues,"" reads a sign, ""just press 'cellar'.""
"
"circumfusile denotes capability
to be spread or poured out with facility.
one lists liquors and lotions,
potages and potions
as fluids that have such utility.
"
"	while some fondly recall, many yearn
	for the cantonal region, lucerne,
	where fine ships daily steam
	through the alp vista dream
	of majestic delights at each turn.
"
"	a few items are traits of a plover,
	which some birdwatchers long to discover,
	but a glance with a check
	for a ring 'round the neck,
	will suffice for the dulwilly lover.
"
"acts 14 tells of paul being struck
 by flung stones, left for dead, out of luck.
 but to derbe he fled
 hale and hearty, instead.
 he was blessed and perhaps learned to duck.
"
" anthropolite's petrified old
 remains of folks now stoney-cold:
 flinty femurs and hips,
 rocky noses or lips,
 which is just as the prophet foretold.
"
"when inspecting for traits, one might see
on black ash (north american tree)
heavy wood that's dark brown
and turned leaves that float down
in the autumn like golden debris.
"
"	showing dullness, perhaps from neglect,
	cowboy boots by and large will reflect
	little light, lacking shine, 		
	but to some, things look fine.
	a few wranglers prefer that effect.
"
"	pistons found in some engines provide,
	by compression, combustion inside.
	diesel motors proceed		
	in this way and, indeed, 			
	without spark plug ignition supplied.
"
"when examining saffron, it's said,
	 note each stigma: no more than a shred.
	 from the crocus it comes,
	 and, per kilo, great sums
	 one expends for this croceous thread.
"
"	most aver that miss piggy's not real,
	but a muppet, and one with appeal.
	if alive, she'd be pink
	as a duroc, they think,
	with nice hams, curly tail and a squeal.
"
"a  trim wood piece, a dutchman, may hide
	a small flaw, like a whorl.  when applied
	as an inlay with flair,
	it's a woodwork repair
	where sheer charm and apt patch coincide.
"
"prudent persons, it's said, take due care,
		but if reckless, the law says they err.
		liability comes
		with remarkable sums
		which all pray that another shall bear.
"
"on the moon are famed craters galore.
most were named at a time long before
a sharp telescope view
found small craterlets too,
lacking divots with which to restore. 	
"
"to increase by a factor of two
is a doubling, as items accrue.
when amoebas decide
to split up,  they divide
in a change they can never undo.
"
"the word dentate refers to projections
of toothed edges one views at inspections
of some knives and most saws.
they are favored because
neat serrations affect one's selections.
"
"what a delicate bloom! how replete
with aroma?no others compete!
how deserving of fame!
but by no other name
would the burnet rose smell quite as sweet.
"
"the advance party raced on ahead,
to forestall any problems, they said.
when we got there?how rude!?
they had scarfed all the food
and neglected to save me a bed.
"
"if it's candour you want, i'll be straight:
you're not looking so fresh-faced of late.
point of fact, to be truthful,
where once you seemed youthful ...
wait?what was that? ""cancel that date""?
"
"""to be,"" mused prince hamlet, ""or not?
should i give this life one final shot,
or obey death's sweet call?
(one swift pang ends it all.)
that's a question i've pondered a lot.""
"
"calumniate me, would you, bud?
turn my name (which was spotless) to mud?
i shall see you in court
for the falsehoods you've wrought.
be advised, pal: there's gonna be blood!
"
"fellow masochists tell me i'm sick,
but the salad is part of my kick.
for i crave healthy eating
and then a good beating.
ooh yeah! give me carrot and stick.
"
"what's the role of the cardiac muscle?
it's to hasten the bloodstream; to hustle
each red or white cell
through the system, pell-mell,
thus promoting a speedy corpuscle.
"
"true calamity brings far more pain
than a bee sting, a bruise or a sprain.
two examples might be
getting lost while at sea
and offending calamity jane.
"
"as the cannabis smoke filled his head,
he discoursed on the book of the dead.
much inspired by the joint,
he enlarged on each point,
then forgot every word he'd just said.
"
"bulgur wheat is not meat; not a bit.
vegetarians cry, ""it's a hit!""
try it once, you'll be hooked,
but be sure that it's cooked,
because raw it tastes rather like grit.
"
"should a third person singular seek
to use do in the present, yet speak
in the past, one might say
the word doth in a way
that employs interdental technique.
"
"see the sides of the gables? beware!
simply d?cor are crow steps up there
where the birds often rest,
but for safety, it's best
that just avian weight's all they bear.
"
"brown pine: an australian tree;
its wood turns the colour of tea,
growing dark, when exposed.
there seems something opposed
to a plank with a hue like chablis.
"
"at one side of our sofa (the right)
doilies hide an old tea stain from sight.
a darjeeling dark drop
soiled the end table's top;
it may fade if one merely sits tight.
"
"some old doorbells ring faintly by twist
of a handle with fingers and wrist.
the soft sound oft relates
that a visitor waits
at the door ... and perhaps for a tryst.
"
"		 in a dock receipt, carriers may
		 state agreement to promptly convey,
		 by named ship or a barge,
		 shippers' goods small or large ?
		to commence once it's ""anchors aweigh.""
"
"if a butterfly wing has a spot
that appears to be ogling, it's not.
lepidopterists say
of the eyespot, it may
make a predator doubt his first thought.
"
"	 a small dogvane shows helmsmen the way
	 breezes blow o'er the ship. this array,
	 fixed to mast, of light stuff
	 (just a feather's enough)
	 will inform with its telltale display.
"
"short, stiff whiskers of animals may
find new use in a bristle brush, say,
for the grooming of hair.
should one's head have none there,
then touch up something else. (your toupee?)
"
"though delighted, don't ever shout ""eigh,""
for that word is considered pass?.
interjection's a must?
if that's so, then adjust;
say ""ol?,"" that hispanic ""hooray.""
"
"driven cattle you're herding don't stay
rounded up; and some cows go astray,
often prompting a race
vexing cowboys who chase
every dogie, so none gets away.
"
"afternoons, once we've put out the cat,
overcome by the drowse we lie flat.
since we might fall asleep,
our alarm's set to keep
the day's plan to watch vanna and pat.
"
"if scree forms from a stone as it tumbles,
or while handling a cookie, one fumbles,
those small pieces we see,
the resulting debris,
may resemble food toppings called crumbles.
"
"""twelve-compartmented teak"" may convey
rich impressions of spaces, let's say,
in a desk with such slots,
one per month, stuffed with lots
of red-lettered demands that one pay.
"
"liquid cargo its usual load,
the container, a dracone, is towed.
almost floating, this barge
is both supple and large,
and you won't find its like on the road.
"
"in a dramshop they serve (well, guess what)
drams of liquor ? and often uncut.
a dram's size?  it may be
a large portion or wee
and the shops range from barroom to hut.
"
"find a doorknocker fixed to a door,
perhaps four or five feet from the floor.
now, by hand you may flap
the device. hear the rap.
then repeat polite thumps as before!
"
"imperceptible movement ? it's creeping.
snails that master the art eschew leaping.
if one moves not at all,
he's not creeping, recall,
but is likely coiled up and just sleeping.
"
"dolphin backs, known as dorsa, are gray.
on such surfaces fins they display.
raspy blowholes let through
sea breeze air right on cue
and it's drawn into lungs sans delay.
"
"while out fishing, a lad fell asleep.
soon his dobber went down very deep.
it was pulled out of sight
(plus his pole) with line tight
by a lunker, the size one might keep.
"
"i am blonde and not bright, but i'm fond
of my boyfriend, who tried to abscond.
i responded to this
with a super glue kiss,
which i find has cemented our bond.
"
"why the hell is my agent so slack?
seven times i've called! can't he call back?
there's a call-back today
for that part i must play!
if i miss it they'll cast that jerk jack!
"
"your courtyard looks dreary and sad.
you need something ? ah yes?a calade!
a pebble mosaic
is never prosaic.
oh, let's start a cobblestone fad!
"
"he's the cuban most yanks love to hate:
still in power (five decades to date).
he's survived that cigar,
severe illness (so far),
but how long till they call him ""the late ...""?
"
"""would you stomp on a rubens like that?""
the calcographer yelled as he sat
with his opus in chalk
on the pavement. ""don't walk
on my art?throw a coin in my hat!""
"
"when your mind's on that old beaten track
and you just can't face hitting the sack;
when you've had too much booze
and you're full of the blues,
then it's time for the old man in black.
"
"has the ceasefire started or not?
can i stand now or should i still squat?
do you think we should flee?
'cause the thing is, you see,
i'd prefer to avoid getting shot.
"
"norman bates had a mother (he thought)
who didn't behave as she ought.
""need a shower?"" said norm.
""go ahead?water's warm!""
but his manner seemed strangely distraught.
"
"though the banquet was truly fantastic,
its effects on digestion were drastic.
in my gluttonous lust
i had stuffed fit to bust,
and i felt, to be frank, cacogastric.
"
"your teachings, you claim, aren't heretical
(this defence is at best hypothetical).
here's the point: you pose queries;
they answer with theories.
your method is too catechetical!
"
"it's like alchemy: simply invest
(owning means of production is best);
then the workers, i'm told,
turn that lead into gold.
pay them pennies, then pocket the rest.
"
"real life affords no such delight
as the words on a page, black and white.
good books are my lovers;
i live between covers.
i'm a bibliobibulus, right?
"
"i'm no newfie, but heed my advice:
if you're wise you'll steer clear of that ice.
ballicatter, they say,
is the sea's frozen spray:
very cold; very salty; not nice.
"
"the blob: a red goo to be feared!
every creature it touched disappeared!
that was then?cold war era.
these days, al jazeera
would show it with turban and beard.
"
"when your candidature is at stake,
there's no end to the hands you must shake.
you must turn up as planned,
crack a joke on demand,
oh?and never get caught on the take.
"
"he beseeched her and begged her to stay.
she implored him, ""oh please?not today.
all your plaints come to naught,
for last night i besought
my admirer to whisk me away.""
"
"in the aftermath, tell me, what track
is your mind on? your tongue's fallen slack.
are you thinking it out
and conceding some doubt,
or conceiving your counterattack?
"
"aboukir marks the spot on the nile
where the french were outwitted in style
by lord nelson and fleet,
in a crushing defeat
for d'aigalliers's cunning and guile.
"
"""ca' canny ma lad,"" sez ma daddy,
""an' dinnae go takin' a maddy,
but see your bird mary?
's a clarty wee hairy
'at mings like a hauf-smokit haddie.""
"
"you calumnious rogue! your foul lies
have besmirched my repute in men's eyes!
without one jot of shame
you have soiled my good name
with the worst filth a mind can devise.
"
"as an actor dismounted, he said,
""bareback ride make old tonto's butt red.""
the lone ranger agreed
and he noted his steed
has a cushy, lined saddle instead.
"
"a small bud on his rack is a sign
that a deer is quite healthy and fine.
called a croche, like a sprout,
it begins to come out
and soon forms on the antler a tine.
"
"to descend, speleologists line
up so lights upon helmets define
slimy pathways of steep
walls in dark caverns deep,
and play out the ascent ball of twine.
"
"although sounding like something to eat,
one will note it's a verb, not a sweet.
academics dissert
and with logic exert,
so at length are discourses replete.
"
"spelunking and skydiving seem
to have risk as a salient theme.
whether air or abyss,
my concern comes to this:
if it's dicey, a sport's too extreme.
"
"the cochin's a fine fowl with a lot
of grand plumage where others have not ?
looking fluffy and neat,
feathered down to the feet,
but just chickens when plucked for the pot.
"
"baggy suit ? it's on loan, i would guess,
like those shoes. every step shows distress.
there's that polychrome check
you have wrapped 'round your neck;
though cravatted with style, you're a mess.
"
"a distriction's a sudden display
of a flash or a glitter and may,
like a bright signal flare,
light the night sky up where
those below can quite clearly survey.
"
"proper windshield defrosters maintain
total freedom from frost, in the main,
with good views to the fore,
but this fitting ignore
when you motor a tropical lane.
"
"the name deutschland is printed in my
german atlas where borders apply.
on the other side's schweiz,
where the climbing of heights
(and the chocolate) will thicken the thigh.
"
"i am reading this great science fiction ?
there's a droid with a poignant restriction;
though the robot is warm,
it's not wired to perform
interpersonal acts that cause friction.
"
"the old spanish coin,  the doubloon,
of a size not at all picayune,
with its hue of soft yellow,
seeming luminous, mellow,
may resemble a low harvest moon.
"
"serenading a girl? play a tune.
strum dolente, your gaze on the moon.
for that sorrowful tone,
universally known,
sometimes makes a small romance balloon.
"
"once a drawboy (called ""dobby"" for short)
pulled on strings as a weaving support
to control the warp thread.
now machine-done instead,
dobby loom's a device of resort.
"
"driftwood floats,  then gets washed up on shore
where the beachcombers, oft by the score,
search for flotsam, their treasure,
but indeed a sad measure
of those seamen who sail nevermore.
"
"railroad cars must be coupled to run.
to uncouple, disjunction is done ?
a rail worker may sever
car connections; however,
that is rare once the journey's begun.
"
"once a maid of the manor at prayer
asked for change in the title ""downstair""
and an increase in pay
for the job aka
sweepstakes winner and hence millionaire.
"
"it appears that slight pressures distend
some balloons with hot air and then send
lightened craft toward the sky,
as the crews wave good-bye,
and then friend prays in silence for friend.
"
"a milk fat, when heated enough,
becomes liquid and amber or buff,
but a pen's not required
as no sketch is desired,
for drawn butter is simply sauce stuff.
"
"oh, my dearest! my darling ? it's dolly!
clonal ewes are exceptions, by golly!
from a mammary cell
she developed quite well.
some believed it would prove to be folly.
"
"if ye're oot aboot dusk in benbecula,
ye neednae be feared o' count drekula.
it's the midges whae'll sink in
their fangs and get drinkin'
yer blood ? they're a pain in the neckula.
"
"""you're a catholic,"" said scotty. ""you show it
by guzzling down wine?priests bestow it.
for us prods that would irk?
all that booze kept in kirk?
it's a church, jim, but not as you know it.""
"
"""paul mccartney is dead! this we know
for john lennon himself told us so!""
it was patently phoney,
but from such baloney
conspiracy theories will grow.
"
"chondroglossus: not easy to say,
but dispense with this muscle? no way
could you ever give voice
to the words of your choice:
your tongue simply wouldn't obey.
"
"""chuck will's widow!"" i heard a voice trill.
i felt sad for the wife of poor will:
first bereaved and then spurned!
but her scourge, i soon learned,
was a nightjar. not spiteful; just shrill.
"
"you're the candidates, yes? for the job?
form a queue over there. (what a mob!)
come along then. yes, you!
what a fool?not a clue!
off you go! what's the matter? don't sob!
"
"chef pierre took a sip. his lips pursed.
then he frowned, shook his head, spat and cursed:
""zis 'ere allemande sauce
iss too sick for zis course?
it 'as taken a turn fur ze wurst!""
"
"we've got thousands of units to shift,
so we won't be encouraging thrift.
come, be generous, friend:
time to spend, spend, spend, spend!
christmastide?what a wonderful gift!
"
"as a squirt, sez my maw (i don't doubt 'er),
i wiz cranky?boy, i useta chowter,
allus gripin' and moanin',
but now i'm full-grown an'
my grandson's the grouchy li'l pouter.
"
"if you're bothered by insect attack,
take a tip from the tail of a yak.
it's a chowry you're needing
when flies come a-feeding.
they're snacking? start whacking 'em back.
"
"so that cilice you're wearing smells bad?
and the itching is driving you mad?
well, my hair-shirted sinner,
your comfort is inner:
you're saved! (cosy too, i might add.)
"
"""i am zorkan from mars,"" i once said,
with a colander perched on my head.
(i'd disposed of my greens
by nefarious means,
but at least my pet rabbit got fed.)
"
"darlin' clementine, orange of skin,
sweet and ripe was she. hell, it's a sin!
she done drowned in the river,
may the good lord furgiv'er.
my tree's never bore fruit agin.
"
"in my youth i skipped free as a fawn;
treated parenthood's fetters with scorn;
played the gadabout lad.
but now this?i'm a dad!
the world shifted the day you were born.
"
"""this new table: please don't build it slackly.
bring good, solid wood such as acle
direct from manila
to furnish my villa.""
""that's philippine hardwood?"" ""exackly!""
"
"spread it thickly, the slim model said,
with a smile that went straight to my head.
so i smeared with abandon,
began to expand an'
i now have two types of cheese spread.
"
"when you're skydiving, pray for calm air.
(i.e. beaufort scale nought: very fair.)
if the wind's up you're dead,
but you go right ahead:
take the plunge at force nine if you dare.
"
"lady m railed and wailed at her nurse:
""shall i never be cleansed of this curse?
all that blood hubby spilt
clings to me?oh, the guilt!
it's a spot i can never absterse.""
"
"my tobacco was well below par:
neither mellow nor sweet; high in tar.
still, it seemed good enough:
rolled it up, took a puff.
che wheezed, ""close, but no cuban cigar!""
"
"the food's greasy, the staff are right nippy.
what the hell though?let's go for a chippie!
we know that it's sinful,
but we've had a skinful.
(next morning, we're feeling quite gyppy.)
"
"the attractive incentive i've planned
is a bonus scheme worth half a grand.
that's the carrot. the stick
is my foreman?meet mick.
if he catches you slacking you're canned.
"
"every casualty stems from causality:
consequentially, that's the reality.
it's cause and effect:
you drove badly; you wrecked
your new car?wrote it off in totality.
"
"there it was on my spanking new mat:
a fresh calling card left by the cat.
i had seen him before,
lurking outside the door,
but i failed to anticipate that!
"
"tell me, reverend, for you know the bible:
must a righteous man tolerate libel?
may i not, please, abhor
my calumniator?or
better yet, pay him eyeball for eyeball?
"
"calculation, son: work it all out;
get your sums right; eliminate doubt.
lesson two: learn to figure
which sucker pays bigger.
you'll know then what life's all about.
"
"the magnificent curves of her bottom
cast a spell upon men; 'twould besot 'em.
she would wiggle and smile
and be theirs for a while,
but in most cases promptly forgot 'em.
"
"so the bank has my cash and i know
('cause they promised) that's where it will grow.
every month they will add
accrued interest. i'm glad?
that's the part of my dough i can blow.
"
"in a culture whose laws are repressive,
an endearment that's tactile, caressive,
touchy-feely, or fresh,
pressing flesh onto flesh,
provokes trouble?it's seen as transgressive.
"
"eezee-kleene?that's the fabric for us:
it stays pristine with minimal fuss!
will not fade! cannot stain!
try to rip it in vain!
(brushability, too, is a plus.)
"
"here's a cautionary tale: in a horse
made of wood, menelaus's force
found their way into troy,
where they slew man and boy.
beware guile: it's a lethal resource.
"
"some effects of genetic directions
are leaf edges with scalloped projections,
called crenelled, and so named
for resemblance to famed
fortress battlements' aperture sections.
"
"in old sumer most action was slow
and inscribing was equally so.
cuneatic design,
a plain cutting edge sign,
was the wedge in their script long ago.
"
"right in paris, not part of a chain,
is an ancient hotel on the seine.
the good desk clerk may let
nineteen rooms. all guests get
antique quarters and nothing mundane.
"
"much petroleum, crude, bought and sold
while at sea is oft called ""liquid gold.""
while bulk cargo of thick
hydrocarbons looks slick,
yellow ingots are fine to behold.
"
"the word bifid's not really arcane.
it means altered from single to twain
as by cleaving, you see,
like amoebas feel free
to divide and not lonely remain.
"
"to have dition denotes holding sway;
it's dominion in every which way.
those who rule with a hand
deemed of iron demand
the respect of all those they survey.
"
"at sea, sailors descry sail and sight,
each from vantage of varying height.
so ""land ho!"" one may shout
though it's known, without doubt,
that's not where they're carousing tonight.
"
"my delectus had sketches in greek.
therein authors, like aesop, would speak
of old friends or their foes
and the foibles of those.
so few follies today seem unique.
"
"dancing maidens performing all night
entertain the fine friends we invite.
let the good times begin.
it's no fun to stay thin.
take a piece of the turkish delight.
"
"that displant means ""dislodge"" or ""displace""
is now moot, for it is, in this case,
obsolete and pass?,
having faded away.
even verbs, so it seems, fall from grace.
"
"""on accepting the royal promotion,
i wrote verses with loyal devotion,
yet the queen's not amused!
i feel damaged, confused,
and my muse seconds that,"" (signed) a. motion.
"
"from the trinkets you've sent to embellish her
it is perfectly clear how you relish her?
but a wedding is out:
the credentials you tout
as a cherisher couldn't be hellisher.
"
"minnie phelps has got the biggest crush
on ram?n, 17?he's so lush!
he is older (by far)
and can drive his own car!
when he asks for a date ? what a rush!
"
"minnie phelps, just 14, has been kissed
by ram?n, 17, in a tryst.
she's blissed out, quite entranced
to be wooed and romanced.
(and still sane, but amour will assist.)
"
"with his name printed clearly in bold,
on a calling card bordered with gold,
a young fellow would woo.
this was his billet-doux
(not a text or an e-mail) of old.
"
"hapless burma, when storm-clouds dispersed,
did your saffron-clad monks cry, ""we're cursed!
first than shwe and now this!
what became of our bliss?
in all asia, our luck is the worst!""?
"
"my great masterpiece?one that i prized?
was rewritten, restyled and revised,
and at terrible cost?
the original's lost!
hence my chagrin may well be surmised.
"
"baron phelps behaved not as he ought,
but contemptibly, all of us thought.
he was rude, mean and cruel,
killed a duke in a duel,
fled to leipzig and never was caught.
"
"corrivation occurs when two streams
meet and mingle, till one river teems
and the waters combine
just as lovers entwine?
one of poetry's favourite themes.
"
"the cerebrum's a zone of the brain
where our thoughts reach their loftiest plane.
when philosophers try
to deduce how and why
we exist, that part's taking the strain.
"
"geoffrey chaucer, en route down to kent,
would invent saucy tales as he went.
fellow pilgrims, beguiled,
would grow bawdy and wild,
but in canterbury each would repent.
"
"just a glimpse of her frilly calzoons
would have thrilled us on those afternoons
when we witnessed with glee
what the butler could see
when he peered in at madam's saloons.
"
"the staff vine they call bittersweet
looks quite harmless, but that's a deceit!
one taste of celastrus
could well prove disastrous.
admire, but on no account eat.
"
"it's a diet to die for?a winner.
you can binge-eat all day and get thinner.
go on?yield to the urge!
and then later on purge:
you've got nothing to lose but your dinner.
"
"my adverse excursion began
when securities went down the pan.
on this mystery tour
from quite rich to quite poor
i lost cash with a kind of ?lan.
"
"when i worked in the chalk-plant-cum-brewery, a
chalk-beer of sorts would accrue via
juxtaposition.
it caused a condition
called calcium pee, or calciuria.
"
"many years ago, northerly britain
became alba (or so it is written).
it's called scotland today,
where we love the ""wha hae""
and we're famously dour and hard-bitten.
"
"no more powder or shot? we shall die!
unless ... comrades, i've got it! let's tie
to our muskets our knives:
they will save our poor lives!
(then we'll use them to carve that pig's thigh.)
"
"here's what happened: the lights were at amber
and okay, yes, i misjudged the camber.
the road, too, was icy?
i knew it was dicy.
then smack! out-of-luck amber gambler.
"
"at the toll of their grim sunday bell,
calvinistical clergymen tell
how a few will be saved
but we're mostly depraved
and predestined to fester in hell.
"
"darwin's finches (gal?pagos breeds)
are all separate species; each feeds
in a way that's unique,
and each one has a beak
that's adapted to furnish its needs.
"
"the bubble of great reputation
inspires the soldier's vocation
to pursue ""death or glory"";
this part of the story
says young men adore admiration.
"
"second childishness, then, is the last
phase of life?and it creeps up so fast!
he will dribble, go blind,
lose his teeth, lose his mind,
dimly mourning his glorious past.
"
"captain mortimer phelps of the fleet
said, ""dry land simply cannot compete!""
so he launched his settee
and sailed forth on the sea,
but he quickly developed cold feet.
"
"tell me, folks of each nation and station,
do we want deindustrialisation?
fresher air, cleaner seas,
less disease and more trees?
we want these ... but would that mean starvation?
"
"poor old four-jaw mcgraw had a chin
as pronounced as a shark's dorsal fin,
like the hull of a boat
'twixt his mouth and his throat:
over this stretched his stubble-strewn skin.
"
"maximilian phelps, 18th baron,
wed a buxom young wench, name of sharon.
she had flaxen blonde hair;
he had hopes of an heir,
but alas it transpired she was barren.
"
"a caponier spans a wide ditch:
it's defensive, a structure from which
gunners shot at invaders,
intruders and raiders,
then choked on the fumes?there's the hitch.
"
"baron phelps was a cowardly swine:
sent his men to defend the front line,
then withdrew from the fray.
at last fate had its way:
while retreating, he stepped on a mine.
"
"baron phelps was courageous and bold?
arms of steel and a heart of pure gold.
the man knew no fear ...
or so it says here
in a book of the stories he told.
"
"""it's so wonderfully stylish!"" cried she.
""a la mode, to the umpteenth degree!
it's a fashion-world first,
oh, my heart's fit to burst ?""
that, alas, was her dernier cri.
"
"the first baron phelps, when created,
thought decency much overrated.
he threw off his fine gown
and strode nude into town,
where he danced in the street, most elated.
"
"cry ""alas!"", chordospartium plant.
these are lachrymose times, i will grant.
are new zealanders trying
to stop you from dying?
i expect a few are, but most aren't.
"
"when i asked, ""where's the fishing line kept?""
i was made to feel rather inept.
(i'd been transferred from coats
up to angling and boats.)
colleagues whispered: ""he's out of his dept.""
"
"at the white house they've sure had some crooks:
cheats and liars and cookers of books.
but now? cynics' thunder
dies down as they wonder:
can this be as good as it looks?
"
"the young girl who served daal and fresh roti
looked cute (though her voice was quite throaty).
i attempted to flirt:
""most attractive, your skirt.""
""thanks,"" said he, ""but we call it a dhoti.""
"
"o, delectable mirabelle phelps,
i hoped once we'd cavort like young whelps.
you were gorgeous! divine!
but alas, never mine.
and forget you? i've tried?nothing helps.
"
"her demeanour is easily read.
she is vulgar and coarse, not well-bred,
neither cultured nor douce,
as refined as a goose?
but i bet she's tiger in bed.
"
"i rely on the old bbc
to be cultured, informed, bias-free.
let the spin-doctors gripe;
pedants, come take a swipe,
but i'm proud to pay my licence fee.
"
"the deplorable millicent phelps
kicks her puppy to see if it yelps.*
she is caught in the act,
harshly scolded and smacked
and debarred from all contact with whelps.
"
"she's a girl of outstanding dimensions,
of which two were her surgeon's inventions.
she's got 36d,
22, 33?
and a maths phd no one mentions.
"
"the boyg is a troll much deplored.
by norwegians he's widely abhorred,
for he gets in their way
and compels them to stray:
they don't pine much for him in the fjord.
"
"box and cox were two men with one bed,
yet it wasn't a gay life they led.
you see, box rose at night,
and turned in at first light;
whereas cox slept at nighttime instead.
"
"when dextroamphetamine's taken
in sulphate form, cares are forsaken:
you can't sleep! you don't mind!
but you do tend to grind
your back teeth?so your jaw will be achin'.
"
"i thought, 'hell yes, i'll try some cocaine.'
then i tried it again. then again.
and again and again,
and again and again.
gimme more?can't you see i'm in pain?
"
"when my boy-child (or son) was but one,
said my wife, ""there's still work to be done!
a girl-child! a daughter!
let's have one! we oughter!""
'twas thus that life's fabric was spun.
"
"a cheliferous fellow is he,
who can't handle but mangles his tea.
with his ill-shapen claw,
he stuffs food in his maw
as he scuttles and hops off the quay.
"
"i find alcohol most efficacious
in making the shy more loquacious.
its effects (still more drastic)
on knicker elastic
can make the flirtatious audacious.
"
"in a flea-pit hotel by the sea,
i encountered a virgin. said she:
""i am pure, unmolested
(if slightly infested)?
d'you care to depucelate me?""
"
"i grow old; my days last but a minute.
the pantaloon phase: i am in it.
my once-manly physique
has declined and grown weak.
and the worst part? i trill like a linnet.
"
"minnie phelps is 14 and in love!
it's a mania, a force from above,
an emotional stew,
giddy, wild amour fou!
(cupid helped her along with a shove.)
"
"after kissing ram?n, minnie pined.
all the planets and stars were aligned
by a great cosmic force
that set love on its course,
thus unhinging another phelps mind.
"
"ah, ram?n! no-one warned him, poor boy:
minnie phelps thought of him as her toy.
he was young and impulsive;
his glands turned convulsive.
(these spasms filled minnie with joy.)
"
"young ram?n's not as bad as folks think.
minnie phelps would coquettishly wink
at the lad (such a flirt
in that leatherette skirt!).
he needs help?someone get him a shrink!
"
"minnie phelps, the poor thing, is ablaze
with an urgent hormonal malaise
of concupiscence (lust).
she's 14 (only just),
and ram?n hasn't phoned her for days!
"
"""you must flee!"" minnie gasps. ""it's my dad!
he looks highly displeased, i might add.""
pa could not be abrupter:
""you fiend! you corrupter!""
""these phelpses!"" ram?n wails. ""they're mad!""
"
"poor dear minnie: her head's all a-spin
with the urge for corporeal sin.
she's 14, and a phelps
(which, of course, hardly helps).
to ram?n she says, ""won't you come in?""
"
"""hi, it's me,"" purrs the voice on the phone.
minnie phelps is 14, home alone.
love has driven her mad;
now it's turning her bad.
""come on over,"" she coos to ram?n.
"
"on this pledge i shall never renege
(for no scholar desires to be vague):
i shall toil night and day
to renounce all clich?
by avoiding each one like the plague.
"
"""straighten up,"" said the doctor. ""gee mister?
you're blocked up real good there. hey sister!
bring a 20-gauge tube
and a dollop of lube:
gonna flush this dude out with a clyster.""
"
"when the gibbons embezzled their snacks,
the gorillas were hot on their tracks.
""let's stampede, blaze a trail!""
but the wise alpha male
ruled: ""charge off?it's a loss against tax.""
"
"roddy roth was a nihilist goth
all aflame with unquenchable wrath
till his seam-splitting blues
were dispelled by new trews
made of silk from the cynthia moth.
"
"it was parents from mars, i suppose,
that gave roger six eyes and no nose.
you'll ask, ""how did he smell?""
i'll respond, ""truth to tell,
very alienly?using his toes.""
"
"""mould some cherubs,"" my patron commands;
""make them lifelike?right down to their glands.""
without further delay
i get busy with clay:
they are putti, i find, in my hands.
"
"is the cormorant (common) a shag?
is it known to lay eggs in a bag?
mr isherwood's verse
is misleading or worse,
but researching the facts? what a drag.
"
"""you blame me for your sins? makes me sick!
and you think i get some kind of kick
out of toasting lost souls
over freshly fanned coals?
i've been demonised,"" grumbles old nick.
"
"it is clear i did not understand
she'd requested a fruit, not a gland,
when i trekked from the home
where the bull-bison roam
with a buffalo nut in each hand.
"
"the chelydra's a turtle who snaps
if you wake him from one of his naps,
but his flesh tastes divine
in a soup, braised with wine
or in one of those cajun-style wraps.
"
"willie dewar, a prosperous brewer,
found his sales became markedly fewer
when folks came to hear
how he thickened his beer
with a clot of red blood cells, or cruor.
"
"it was saturday night. i was bored.
i decided to swallow a sword.
then the hilt (just my luck!)
made me gag and got stuck.
now i'm claiming my darwin award.
"
"this new diet's a drag: i'm to eat
nothing rich, nothing fatty or sweet.
what says hilary briss?
""take a butcher's at this:
feast your eyes on a spread of red meat.""
"
"chloropiclin, delivered by shell,
brought the battlefield closer to hell.
its effect? must you ask?
puking into your mask.
p.s. it's called ps as well.
"
"when i took her to concerts, we kissed;
further overtures, though, she'd resist.
we went drinking instead
and wound up in her bed,
but alas, i was too brahms and liszt.
"
"life's a bitch for a dog with three heads.
no one loves you?your heart is in shreds.
you meet plenty of ladies
as guard-dog of hades,
but they won't let you sleep on their beds.
"
"human life: did some mastermind weave it?
it was god! (or so christians conceive it.)
i don't offer impedance
to innocent credence,
but me, i don't adam and eve it.
"
"out in stockholm one night, feeling frisky,
i said, ""one nightcap cannot be risky.
let's try aquavit, wife:
it's the water of life!""
but that caraway hooch was no whisky.
"
"among great kings and queens you're the ace,
mighty emperor, seated in grace.
holy rome's your domain;
you reign also in spain.
i beg leave to ask: why the long face?
"
"there you are, chowing down on a sock
(thinking: boy, these angora ones rock!)
when you suddenly smell
cypermethrin. aw, hell!
it's too late?you're already in shock.
"
"all the president's men are unable
to shield every diplomat's cable
from wikileaks' sleuths,
who sweep up the home truths
the ambassador spills from his table.
"
"i tried woodcuts depicting her nude.
i tried litho; she said it looked crude.
i even tried etching
(the fumes had her retching),
but drypoint scratched through her bad mood.
"
"in a woeful attempt to be pope,
it was cardinal phelps' greatest hope
to seduce the whole college.
(to the best of my knowledge
he managed no more than a grope.)
"
"drouthy neighbours intending to call
for a dram should be handsome and tall
and bring coal for the fire,
and must truly desire
to kiss everyone?grandma and all.
"
"so you think life is sweet for a bug?
we get swatted or stepped on, you shrug?
then you ruin our day
with your demeton spray.
just lay off of us insects, you thug!
"
"when we met we cared naught for the rain
and we danced to its gurgling refrain,
but the embers we stoked
over time became soaked,
fizzled out and got flushed down the drain.
"
"when admitted (at last!) to the court,
he procured a good wig (as one ought),
but he suffered the shocks
when they shaved off his locks,
crying, ""'sblood, that's distressingly short!""
"
"dearest boy, some advice about dating:
you have appetites, true, that need sating,
but the best breeding leans
on an eye for good genes.
be discriminate, therefore, when mating.

i discriminate solely, dear pa,
on the size of the cups of her bra:
if she's busty, i'm lusty!
now don't get all gusty?
i learned to love boobs from my ma.
"
"""about-ship, lad!"" the captain kept crying.
""aye, aye skipper!"" his mate kept replying.
till the tar at the tiller
fell iller and iller?
so seasick he feared he was dying.
"
"marcus phelps, archaeologist, dug
in the high atlas mountains (the mug).
he found nothing but bugs,
though he was offered drugs,
and paid over the odds for a rug.
"
"it's all digital now: books, tv,
music, movies ... and most of it's free.
but it's all here to stay,
so i hope that someday
they'll work out how to digitise me.
"
"the great sculptor declared, ""have no doubt:
deeper backgrounds impart far more clout.
my hell: sarajevo
is demi-rilievo,
with figures half in and half out.""
"
"she wasn't outstandingly pretty;
neither elegant, charming nor witty,
but her bristols (oh my)
didn't half catch the eye!
did she score? every player at city!
"
"they used to mend shoes, now instead
design ""d?cor that's light-years ahead"".
they cried, ""let's deck the halls
with antique golden balls!""
""that's a load of old cobblers,"" i said.
"
"cockney rhyming slang, jargon of vendors:
an argot of manifold splendours.
it works by allusion
and might cause confusion
to overseas fans of eastenders.
"
"honest merchants in venice were few.
this antonio fellow i knew
took a dangerous bet;
couldn't service his debt
and he never paid shylock his due.
"
"army uniform does have its charms,
but this tunic has raised some alarms.
it's the length of the sleeves
that above all aggrieves:
i insist on the right to bare arms.
"
"she's the talk of the henley regatta:
of her talents there's much idle chatter.
is it maritime flair
or her boat race so fair
that's the heart of the matter? the latter.
"
"is he truly attempting to claim
that diogenes syndrome's to blame
for the verminous squalor
he lives in, this scholar?
if so, he's the man with no shame.
"
"said the doctor, adjusting my splint,
""it's a hospital, this, not a mint.
we're boracic, not wealthy
from keeping folks healthy.
donations are welcome (hint, hint).""
"
"went to market to buy a new mare.
lovely runner. i felt debonair.
found a barber. cried, ""darn it,
i want a new barnet!""
fred flintstone became fred astaire.
"
"on a friday night what could be finer
than boozing it up with your china?
have some friendly debate,
but don't get him irate
or you'll wake up next day with a shiner.
"
"all alone am i, ex-conjoined twin,
since my brother cried, ""come, next of kin,
let's go under the knife
and be parted for life.
it's no fun being annexed of skin!""
"
"we was out makin' bovver, past dark,
smashin' phone boxes jus' fer a lark.
no-one watchin', but still
we was nabbed by the bill:
we'd been grassed on by some copper's nark!
"
"the composer, horatio fitz,
cries, ""this orchestra's truly the pits!
the timpani's boom
sounds my symphony's doom!
my composure is shot,"" he admits.
"
"long ago, when i worked in the city,
my boss told me this, ""here's a chitty:
two and sixpence for stamps
and some oil for the lamps.
prices rising again, more's the pity.""
"
"a comma provides a short pause
in a list, or before a new clause,
while a coma's a deep,
sometimes shock-induced, sleep.
(semicolon abuse is one cause.)
"
"seven octaves?ms carey's avowal:
high doh down to resonant growl.
you want proof? here's a tip:
when mariah lets rip
every dog within range starts to howl.
"
"shut your cakehole, madame antoinette!
that big mouth of yours! lest you forget:
they lack bread! they don't wash!
where will they find brioche?
i thank god there's no guillotine yet!
"
"when i cozied up close to my boss,
she recoiled. i was quite at a loss,
till she told me: ""your breath
smells of festering death!
don't you ever use toothpaste or floss?""
"
"""er, darling ..."" my wife gulps one morning
(her look of alarm gives due warning).
""this test ..."" ""yes?"" ""says maybe ...
we're having a baby!""
(by now, the reality's dawning.)
"
"if you want to disrobe with finesse,
a string vest is no route to success.
y-fronts, too, are quite wrong.
never ponder a thong!
wear cks and undress to impress.
"
"men of wisdom, they came from the east,
bearing gifts and expecting a feast.
""christmas day in duluth
ain't a ball, that's the truth,
but we're outta noo joysey at least.""
"
"i've got horns and more brawn than mike tyson,
but a ""buffalo""? oh  no, not i, son!
call me bison and then
call me bison again:
those taxonomist guys named me twison.
"
"i am corduroy, fabric of kings;
of my virtues the fashion world sings;
whereas you, bedford cord,
have been largely ignored,
used for airmen's fatigues and such things.
"
"he who borrows from dumbo regrets
the resulting caducary threats,
such as, ""pay up, you louse,
or i'll sit on your house.""
for an elephant never waives debts.
"
"mr dracula? please take a seat.
now, those blood tests are fully complete.
your cholesterol count
is sky-high! what amount
of red meat do you usually eat?
"
"""i am drawn to this issue of bonds,""
said estelle, not the dumbest of blondes.
""no security fears
when maturity nears
and the millionaire hubby absconds.""
"
"for carousin' and boozin' and feedin',
no stronghold could rival dunedin.
we got totally slain
on our warlike campaign
'cause the mead-limit we were exceedin'.
"
"finding drill-bits too slender, king ed
snatched the diadem down from his head
and, rotating with vigour,
could bore a hole bigger.
""i dub this the crown-saw,"" he said.
"
"mrs bowdler expressed a slight doubt
re her honeymoon lovemaking bout:
""he went at it with vigour
(i've seldom seen bigger).
the naughty bits, though, he left out.""
"
"so this atom thing looks like a ball?
am i right??but incredibly small?
and this probe thing can see
what it's like?  in 3d?!
but, uh ... what if it ain't there at all?
"
"how's my docibleness? unsurpassed:
i am easy to teach; i learn fast.
but i shan't attend college:
with my wealth of knowledge,
my classmates would just feel outclassed.
"
"my distressfulness means i'm uptight:
i shall not sleep a wink, not tonight.
i am fraught and dismayed,
and intend, i'm afraid,
to distress you as well, out of spite.
"
"contesseration: you gave me your token,
and you, friend, took mine. the words spoken?
""we fit like mosaic.""
the rest's formulaic:
you slept with my wife?the bond's broken.
"
"as my track record must go to show,
at dependableness i'm a pro.
if perchance you should phone
to request a small loan,
you can count upon me to say no.
"
"""a decocture, or broth, of boiled bones,""
said the quack in placatory tones,
""will effect a swift cure.""
""are you perfectly sure?""
gasped the man with no legs, between groans.
"
"she has curves; she has curls; she looks sweet.
i'm enchanted, but when our lips meet,
the bad breath i detect
has a sudden effect:
defervescency (dwindling of heat).
"
"this muscle, you say, is the crureus,
and belongs in the arm? well, that's curious!
i respectfully beg
to insist it's the leg:
your myology, doctor, is spurious.
"
"it's not cricket, not sporting at all,
if you fail to make bat propel ball,
but apply it instead
to a fielder's head,
thus provoking a hideous brawl.
"
"i'm a culturist?anything arty
fulfils me and keeps my soul hearty.
i guess it's ungallant,
but, dear, you've no talent,
so no, you can't come to my party.
"
"campanology (bong!) was the bringer
of doom, when a crumbling cross-springer
fell (clunk!) from the vault.
it was nobody's fault,
but it left us with (ouch!) a dead ringer.
"
"my amnesia is anterograde.
i recall saying, ""babe, let's get laid.""
she said, ""honey, you're cute.
meet my beau?he's a brute.""
it's from then that the memories fade.
"
"procreation by sex? how exotic!
(our own breeding regime's amitotic.)
they've got chromosomes, see?
it takes two to make three.
but their mating routines? they're psychotic!
"
"come on, angel face, stop acting shy.
on the lush devil grass let us lie.
from on top, i can view
its resplendent green hue,
while you take in the blue of the sky.
"
"""it's allegeable you ate the pies,""
says my lawyer, ""and i would advise
that a forceful denial
ahead of the trial
is wise for a man of your size.""
"
"i can understand why you might claim
i advertently traced my old flame,
but we met quite by chance,
in a chatroom in france,
so the internet's really to blame.
"
"i awoke, half-undressed, on the stair
with the sense i'd been wrestling a bear.
among several clues
that the culprit was booze
was the pizza attached to my hair.
"
"when they execute uncle abe's will
devastavit occurs: cousin phil
gets the house and the land?
surely not what unc planned?
and for me? just the damn lawyer's bill.
"
"when cassandra cried ""lehmans?beware!""
they ignored her clairvoyant despair.
she foresaw double-dip
but just buttoned her lip
and then quietly sold every share.
"
"his defence lawyer's final oration
was eloquent, but, in summation,
he'd been seen in the act
by five people, a fact
which the judge felt was due comprobation.
"
"making mischief near fires? they'll burn!
moonlit swimming? will elves never learn?
i've saved many a sprite
from a terrible plight:
elfin safety's my major concern.
"
"a cracovian gymnast named krysta
tied herself in a knot when i kissed her.
seems she'd not got the knack of
the game (she's from cracov,
and polish girls just don't get twister).
"
"i'm a fellow who finds no divinity
in the smell of unwashed masculinity,
so this prison is hell:
dwelling three to a cell,
we're a trinity held in confinity.
"
"a conciliabule held in the woods,
and attended by men wearing hoods,
has arrived at a plan
for the future of man:
faith in god, lots of guns and canned goods.
"
"as a contrahent party, i vow
to abide by the terms agreed now.
i'll observe every letter
and pay off the debt ... or
i will if?y' know?funds allow.
"
"with his eye on the ultimate prize,
andy murray contestingly tries
to outdo roger federer,
who only gets bederer
and triumphs (to no-one's surprise).
"
"on safari, e.g. in the congo,
one may often encounter a bongo,
and although there are some
who suppose it's a drum,
it's an antelope (striped), so they're wrongo.
"
"my aroma cannot be disguised,
but when atomized seems highly prized.
""ooh la-la! can zat smell!""
said the girl from chanel.
now my odour is aerosolised.
"
"playing markets with other folks' cash,
i amassed a gargantuan stash,
a magnificent chievance.
imagine my grievance:
i lost every bean in the crash.
"
"coffeeberries are red. they're not brown
like the pick-me-up cup of renown.
it's their seed (which is green)
that is roasted: the 'bean'
people worship at starbucks downtown.
"
"i stood chapleted (wearing a wreath:
floral garlands, with laurels beneath).
what a fine winner's crown,
and what bliss to gaze down
on my rivals, who cheered through their teeth.
"
"on my left foot i take a size nine,
but my right foot will not toe the line:
it's a twelve and a half.
i was built (no, don't laugh)
to a non-equipedal design.
"
"""i must have,"" said quixote, ""a sword
that is strong and two-handed and broad.""
""ah, se?or,"" panza warned,
""a good lance won't be scorned,
but an espadon you can't afford.""
"
"we are dining tonight chez marcel
(fresh flowers, white linen: it's swell).
all of which paves the way,
through the champs-elys?es,
to a passionate nocturne chez elle.
"
"there's a lady i know?i shan't name her?
who, in bed, is a lusty exclaimer.
when she reaches her peak,
she's accustomed to shriek
""you're a god!""?and i can't say i blame her.
"
"pc bear in court, painting the scene:
""the accused (human, female, 14)
ate the oats, broke the seats
and lay down in the sheets,
leaving estuance (warmth) in between.""
"
"the exfoliant agent clear skin
is to acne as god is to sin,
blasting every dead cell
(and some live ones as well);
so it does what it says on the tin.
"
"like the sun, she eradiates light:
she shines brightly, by day and by night.
could a soul pure as snow
be the source of this glow?
no?she works on a nuclear site.
"
"'it's a dorgi? what kind of a hound
is a dorgi?' her majesty frowned.
'part corgi, part dachshund,'
said i, in an accent
(germano-welsh) sure to astound.
"
"on arrival at grandma's, we knocked.
had to kick in the door (it was locked).
she lay dead on the floor,
but had scrawled, ""liver's raw?
do make sure it's well-boiled (excoct).""
"
"an esteemable person is hard
not to hold in the highest regard.
but a sexual transgression
can leave this impression
of virtue quite grievously marred.
"
"it appears we're at war with the hun.
bally kaiser! he'll ruin the fun!
overstating it? me?
it could easily be
bally christmas before the war's won.
"
"as louise said to thelma, ""the male
as a topic has grown rather stale.
if this bechdel test finds
we've got men on our minds
(for example brad pitt) then we'll fail.""
"
"otto dix works in oils and inks,
depicts war vets and ladies in minks.
he's adored by the artsy,
but if you're a nazi
degenerate stuff like this stinks.
"
"i'm enfeloned (enraged) by these bees.
by withholding their honey, they tease.
this imbues me with choler.
in fury i holler:
""my toast's getting cold. hurry please!""
"
"otto dix? what a pain in the rump!
and his wife? such a boring old frump!
they moved in on my clique
(we are fiends for b?zique)
and keep winning with dix (the worst trump).
"
"what's this calycled thing? it's my tongue!
tiny cups taste the food that is flung
from my plate to my mouth,
just before it goes south,
so its flavours will not go unsung.
"
"they are holding me under duress,
in positions designed to cause stress.
they are harsh and severe
and at mercy they sneer.
nonetheless, i refuse to confess.
"
"sitting here, in the room labelled men's,
i see life through a crystal-clear lens.
my third eye at last gleans
what my consciousness means,
and identifies me as an ens.
"
"my dog rex is a fine english setter.
at pointing out prey there's no better.
with rex giving chase,
you'll be easy to trace,
so it's bad news for you, this vendetta.
"
"epigrammatists strive to compose
pithy verses and snippets of prose:
they flow well; there's no filler;
the punchline's a killer.
(i wish i could write one of those.)
"
"advantageousness: holding the aces;
perhaps having friends in high places;
or learning (by chance,
just an hour in advance)
the best horses to back at the races.
"
"my displacence concerns certain needs
that are not being met; certain deeds
that are not being done,
thus depleting my fun;
and from this my displeasance proceeds.
"
"though they may say ""to-may-do"", don't scoff;
don't harrumph like a crusty old prof.
let americanisms
bring riches, not schisms.
let's not call the whole darned thing off.
"
"she considers bad manners a sin,
and is stern about whisky and gin.
one can swiftly appease
her, though?smile and say please,
and she'll biddably let you come in.
"
"i allow it was rather remiss
to allow her to give me a kiss.
(she's a girl of eighteen;
i'm the faculty dean.)
nonetheless, it was absolute bliss.
"
"let me make myself perfectly clear:
as emir, i'm the boss around here.
but i also inspire
(i suspect) the desire
to deliver a kick to my rear.
"
"crimson dress, scarlet hat, boots of green,
purple cape with a silvery sheen:
such bedizenment trumpets
the finest of strumpets.
""how much, dear?"" (oh cripes, it's the queen!)
"
"""i shall marry my mare?have her haltered!""
cried the groom. the next day found him altered.
though he managed a smile
as she clopped up the aisle,
when they got to the altar, he faltered.
"
"as i watch them alight on the pier,
i see hope, i see dreams, i see fear.
they have fleas, they have lice,
they don't smell very nice,
but they're mightily glad to be here.
"
"the crusader came home, and he tried
to be pious. ""it's hopeless,"" he cried.
""is it lust?"" asked the priest.
""oh no, not in the least:
it's the bloodlessness i can't abide.""
"
"i wrote novels; won every award.
took up fencing instead (i was bored),
but i lost every fray
with my flashing ?p?e?
my pen's mightier, then, than my sword.
"
"certain members, it seems, need reminding:
we don't allow effing and blinding.
we all took the oath:
filthy language is loath;
and a gentleman's word should be binding.
"
"caesar's curule chair bore his posterior:
seated thus, he felt grand and superior.
from his curved, x-frame stool
he exerted firm rule.
(standing up, he felt slightly inferior.)
"
"when the english invade, what to do?
strap a kilt on and paint your face blue.
and the facts? we don't need 'em?
it's all about 'freedom!'
who cares if the details aren't true?
"
"past the danube, the dacians dwell.
they are swarthy and hairy. they smell.
and at nightfall they howl,
then go out on the prowl,
like a girl i once knew at cornell.
"
"in this parish, we all play our roles,
but for me, above all other goals
is to work, not for wealth,
but for spiritual health.
there's a term for my task: cure of souls.
"
"here i float among heaven's fraternity,
free at last from the cares of modernity,
so i don't like to carp,
but that dude with the harp:
is he planning to play for eternity?
"
"i am cutgrass, at peril ignored.
careless fingers i've frequently gored.
people say i'm a weed,
but beware where i seed:
if you slip you'll be put to the sward.
"
"""listen, barnacle,"" (so said the whale)
""you adjunctly cling onto my tail,
dining amply for free,
but what's in it for me?
frankly, honey, this hitch has gone stale.""
"
"tempting eve, i admit, was a crime,
but i've learned, belly down in the grime,
something truly infernal:
damnation's eternal,
which proves to be quite a long time.
"
"in switzerland's alps, you will learn
of this breed from the canton of berne.
it's a tricolored (tan,
black, and white) friend of man
who pulls carts and gives flocks his concern.
"
"a bazooka to hunt with, my dear?
please don't shoot it at anything near,
for it's then you will find
the game loses its mind,
and a bull moose might end up asteer.
"
"there's this most useful madder, the kind
with a root that yields dye when refined.
alizari's the plant
from the region levant.
dyes from test tubes have since been designed.
"
"you're apheliotropic, you say?
and a leaf or a root? that's okay.
so you know, it's the sun
and its light that you shun,
always choosing to go your own way.
"
"old noah had stowed in his ark
an animal built in the dark.
asked how long did it take
this weird creature to make,
gott replied, ""days und days of aardvark.""
"
"""i'm aligerous now?i have wings,""
said icarus brightly. ""it brings
me much pleasure to fly
like a bird in the sky,
to the sun?i'll escape earthly things!""
"
"the term blackdamp's an ominous word.
it is also called chokedamp, i've heard.
it will cut off one's breath,
(without oxygen?death)
and a mining disaster's occurred.
"
"there is one thing i learned in my classes:
an assary isn't for asses.
it's a coin that is old,
made of copper, not gold,
with which romans like cassius bought glasses.
"
"saw an acaleph here in my pool,
and i tell you that i am no fool.
got a gun (and some bread)
and i shot that thing dead.
made a sub that'd make you all drool.
"
"out behind an old levee, low lying,
is a back swamp so still.  there's a sighing.
like a ghost through the trees
goes a moribund breeze,
the voice of a thousand souls dying.
"
"silken skin that no blemish can mar.
alabaster is coarser by far.
perfect buttocks?he's got 'em,
but my baby's bottom
backfires like a badly tuned car.
"
"said the exorcist, trembling with awe
(as the victim gushed slime from her maw),
""it's a case i can't fight?
i have no legal rite,
for possession's nine-tenths of the law.""
"
"'fee fi fo,' said the giant, 'and fum!
got a human-sized hole in your tum?
an englishman's filling,
but may prove unwilling.
if so, crush his head with your thumb.'
"
"that filling stashed under the crust
was so filling i'm quite fit to bust,
but the pastry on top
brought my jaw to a stop:
all my fillings have bitten the dust.
"
"the cyrenian whipped off his cloak
and to jesus most humbly he spoke:
""this the cross i'm to bear?
quite a weight! i don't care:
i'm a sharing-your-yoke sort of bloke.""
"
"as a badger who looks like a ferret,
i can match either creature for merit.
plus, should either die out,
thanks to famine or drought,
i'm the cousin who stands to inherit.
"
"my dear holmes, as you may have detected,
i'm sad and morose: i'm dejected,
because i, unlike you,
simply haven't a clue
how these crimes may be interconnected.
"
"in a souk in the city of fez
i ate sausages known as merguez,
and on many a head
sat a hat, round and red,
which i'm guessing was worn to imprez.
"
"i embarked on a cyber affair
and i flirted with spirit and flair.
i was rather less fresh
when we met in the flesh:
the goatee? that she failed to declare.
"
"on croisade we shall vanquish the moor
and we'll bathe in his infidel gore
till jerusalem yields;
then we'll lay down our shields
and make peace, which is rather a bore.
"
"from the marsh crept a sinister brume,
a foul dankness that deepened the gloom.
from this fog came a groaning,
a banshee-like moaning,
a wailing bespeaking of doom.
"
"we shared latitude, longitude too,
but our hemispheres differed, you knew.
we're antoecial, which makes
us antoeci, lands sakes!
world of difference between me and you.
"
"a blotter's a rustler who steals
and then alters the brand that reveals
who the real owner is?
in the cow-stealing biz
he'll be thieving 'til somebody squeals.
"
"this bear has a cinnamon hue,
or is black, nearly white, even blue.
every winter, with care,
she retreats to her lair,
and it's there she has cubs, often two.
"
"my poor yard sorely needed revisions;
'twas a wreck of botanic collisions.
but what trees should i take?
i was forest to make
a few tough arborary decisions.
"
"the rock star, on his pet appaloosa,
got bucked off and  thus hurt his caboosa.
to be perfectly frank,
he alit with a clank,
and he knocked his brand new zappa loosa.
"
"i now own an ox, emia jane,
who is blue, which i'll try to explain.
while she's chewing her cud,
her arterial blood
is too oxygen poor, vets maintain.
"
"buy a barothermohygrograph, you
get an instrument shiny and new,
to record on a chart
the pressure, in part,
plus the temp and humidity too.
"
"she's a beauty, a woman quite fair.
her skin's porcelain, none can compare.
oh, her eyes are so blue,
ruby lips to kiss too,
and auricomous?blonde?is her hair.
"
"to the sioux, the black hills are the core
of their life; they're a spiritual door,
a connection between
the real world that is seen
and  their heaven and life evermore.
"
"it is mental deficiency where
there's extreme inefficiency there.
called anoia, it's when
you're the ""dimmest"" of men
and your wiring's in need of repair.
"
"i told ranger macvern at the scene,
""'twas the biggest darn thing ever seen!
big, sharp teeth and huge claws
on these great hairy paws?
it was arctoid, you know what i mean?""
"
"she was martian:  quite green, blood not warm.
she had hundreds of arms, not the norm.
single leg, pointy head;
in the fall she would shed.
i said, ""dear, you are arboriform.""
"
"when an eel bites your thigh, brings a tear
to your eye, that's a moray, my dear.
love's 'amore', recall,
thus will love conger all,
and my eeloquence hasn't a peer.
"
"it is oxymoronically known,
and for ornamentality grown.
a deciduous vine,
up a tree it will twine.
fruit of bittersweet? leave it alone.
"
"it resembles a cow? then it's bovine.
if it's sheep-like, you'd say that it's ovine.
if a mountaintop fright
is abominably white,
does that mean that a yeti is sno-vine?
"
"an amicicide?offing a friend?
means you must have gone way 'round the bend.
you have done a great wrong,
won't have freedom for long,
your relationship's reached a dead end.
"
"a lightning bug, love on his mind,
found a fan had removed his behind.
once an amorous lug,
he's anurous: this bug
now's de-tailed (and de-lighted) you'll find.
"
"a biblioklept has just sinned,
and the bookseller's really chagrined.
this most bookish of crooks
has run off with his books,
and it looks like they're gone with the wind.
"
"an old softie, he knew a safe bet
is a marshmallow bomb, soaking wet.
and no, it's no goof,
it's a bomb that goes 'poof',
and atomic ache's all that you'll get.
"
"in cretaceous dakota long past
swam the archelon, massive and vast.
with its powerful beak,
food like squid it would seek.
now this turtle's 'neath land that's long grassed.
"
"though you wore a sheer nightie so slinky
and wished to do things really kinky,
i sadly refused
'cause the perfume you used
has an acid (butyric)?so stinky.
"
"from the upper jurassic there came
a reptilian bird by this name:
archaeornis, a beast
who was toothed for a feast.
he was clawed and was quite hard to tame.
"
"""your unhealthy, foul ways i deplore.
i must castigate you, and what's more . . .""
but i thought my doc said
the word castrate instead,
so, screaming, i ran out the door.
"
"everlasting, i've learned, is one name;
so is pink paper daisy?the same.
acroclinium's flower
has great staying power,
a delight in a flowery frame.
"
"failed your cooking class?  don't be so bitter,
but you should know a bollo's a fritter
made with black-eyed-pea flour
with seasoning power
that turns every taste bud atwitter.
"
"it was perfect?a picnic quite late,
with a rowboat, some flowers, my date,
on an isle in a stream
(a romanticist's dream);
so we ate on an ait after eight.
"
"""you're the greatest!"" i said to my boss.
""and superlatives?  i'm at a loss!""
""you're so blattoid!"" i cried,
""and i never have lied!""
like a roach! (am i getting across?)
"
"she piled all the hair on her head
like frankenstein's bride, whom i dread.
""my dear, you've created
a 'do alveated?
a beehive that's streaked blue and red.""
"
"their murderous scheme really worked:
plied with drink, soon the victims were burked.
they'd be stuffed in a box
for the good doctor knox.
(if dissected, i'd surely be irked.)
"
"where the bones of the skull meet and fit
sit the crenae: the notches that knit.
every viking should know
where to aim a sharp blow
on the noggin to cause it to split.
"
"ah, felicity: she could beguile!
there was joy for the boy in her smile.
but if ever she frowned,
better not stick around!
(i'd absent myself, just for a while.)
"
"-fic's a suffix: means making or doing.
it refers to effects soon ensuing.
be specific: make clear.
be horrific: cause fear.
calorific are feasts that we're ruing.
"
"round the street that they named 42nd,
there's an atmosphere lively and fecund.
you needn't search far
for a musical star:
forty shows every evening, it's reckoned.
"
"little rabbits, a ferret is scary,
carnivorous, sharp-toothed and hairy.
he's speedy and lissome
(blink once and you miss 'im);
so, bunnies, of ferrets be wary.
"
"""it's arrhythmia, that's what you've got,""
said the doctor, who knew on the spot.
it seems that my heart
needs a kick just to start.
(like my scooter, which breaks down a lot.)
"
"""first we're born, then we live, then we die,""
existentialists note with a sigh.
""life itself is a curse,
but what follows is worse.
worst of all, though, is this question: why?""
"
"root of evil? the worship of money?!
jesus christ! that's your doctrine? that's funny!
so tell me, is easter
a chocolatey feast or
should everyone kneel to the bunny?
"
"""we thought dracula greek,"" say the blounts.
""monte cristo? he smoked large amounts.
of course, basie played drums
and d'orsay had no thumbs ...""
they are wrong, and on so many counts.
"
"from the toe of our fishing net's mesh
came a fish that smelled ? well ? none too fresh,
so we sliced it and fried it,
with vinegar plied it,
and served it. voil?: escabeche!
"
"when the man, just divorced, learned his spouse
(now his ex) got the boat, got the house,
got the flat in manhattan,
he threatened to flatten,
with bulldozer, all.  what a louse.
"
"my new breechloader really is swell.
in the breech i just pop in a shell.
all them martians sure will
late tonight get a thrill,
for i'm going to blow them to hell!
"
"there are many old structures around
made from rock that was dug from the ground.
here in kansas are forts
made from sandstone with quartz;
they are all arenilitic, and sound.
"
"an anobiid bug's a real pest.
it's a beetle that likes to ingest
fine tobacco and food.
when it's in the right mood,
it eats furniture?what it likes best.
"
"an anorak's kind of a parka,
used by eskimos cold, in the darka
the night, or the bright
of a greenland day's light.
either time, it's no lark to go starka.
"
"in a distant celestial romance,
two great spheres are engaged in a dance.
gravitation'ly bound,
partnered stars whirl around,
linked fore'er by ethereal chance.
"
"from the bullpen came mullins, a righty.
from the crowd came a gasp, ""gawd almighty!""
with his arm of renown
he mowed batters right down.
(by the way, he was wearing a nightie.)
"
"when a lens grinder fell from the shelf,
here's the way we described santa's elf:
""butterfingered"" ? because
this subordinate claus
made a spectacle out of himself.
"
"the word bunny's a term for a rabbit,
and hopping and nibbling's their habit.
they're famously known
for fecundity (groan)?
try the pill or a condom, dagnabbit!
"
"you were cold, which is why you said, ""brr!""
all i said is, ""get tough or grow fur.""
you went ""phpht"" back at me,
i said, ""tsk,"" and then we
started growling like grizzly bears?""grrr.""
"
"assuage:  to allay one's worst fears,
and to chase far away all one's tears.
or perhaps, dare i say,
it's a dolt's daily pay?
(that's a pun that may bring me some jeers.)
"
"in my fridge there is something that grows,
and an item or two even glows.
i see molds and their ilk
on acidified milk,
and that roast's an affront to the nose.
"
"it's a synonym, not often heard,
for forbidden, an everyday word.
called bluebeard, it's from
a fairytale bum
who kept six murdered wives uninterred.
"
"with vestigial and functionless eyes,
the blindfish in dark lives and dies.
in kentucky it braves
chilly water in caves.
bad spelunkers could cause its demise.
"
"she was yelling at me, my sweet wife.
she's a joyless, great wellspring of strife.
""if i wanted to hear
i'd be audient, dear,""
i exclaimed and then ran for my life.
"
"on a blustery christmas last year,
my dear wife was quite peevish, i fear.
she gave me some socks
filled with little black rocks.
""ummmm, it's certainly anthracoid, dear.""
"
"a dangerous weapon of war
is the amraam, a missile that's for
air-to-air mid-range fights
done at dizzying heights.
high explosives exist in its core.
"
"with a true adeciduate tree,
all the leaves stay in place, that's the key.
there's no shedding in autumn;
heck, that's why i bought 'em!
all that raking was getting to me.
"
"there's a trait that keeps some fish alive.
look for flounder the next time you dive.
anticryptic, they blend
with the bottom, my friend,
because camouflage helps them survive.
"
"in the texas hill country in spring
there's a rebirth the warming winds bring.
fields erupt in dark blue,
dressed in bluebonnet's hue,
and the vireos joyously sing.
"
"if you tailor (or dressmake) then you
know the hole which your arm will go through
is an armscye?it's there
in the pattern, and where
the sleeve of the suit is sewn to.
"
"my business card's all about me:
""alphonso t. pigsworth, m.d.
i will cure all your ills
with some potions and pills.
if you're pretty, exams will be free.""
"
"at this fact there are those who will scoff,
but no pirates would sail ""way up nawf"",
for the air there's achill,
with the nights colder still?
they'd risk freezing their buccaneers off.
"
"i'm a cageling?a bird in a cage.
to be cooped up in here makes me rage.
i will put up a fight,
demand freedom of flight,
not just sit 'til i die of old age.
"
"that my girlfriend's a doll's undebatable.
she's a ten (if you think that she's rate-able).
she's a babe and a beaut
who's bodaciously cute;
it's just sad that my love is inflatable.
"
"my dear brother, you really do smell.
like a skunk, you're a stinker from hell.
you're like flesh putrefying.
your stench has me crying.
you're bilgy.  (i still think you're swell.)
"
"intellectually gifted, that's me.
there's a word for my kind?bel esprit.
i've been witty and glib
since departing the crib.
(i'm so full of myself, can't you see.)
"
"there are feathers which serve to protect
ears of birds (which, as holes, don't project).
an irritant-bar
these auriculars are,
so that sounds, not debris, can collect.
"
"in the mansion i heard a loud ""boo!""
thus i boogied?i speedily flew
right on out the front door
at a hundred and four;
bet i set a speed record or two.
"
"from the hindi ""to dwell"", the word bustee
means a village (or slum, bleak and dusty)?
not a place that is swimmin'
in shapely young women.
here if lost, hope your hindi's not rusty.
"
"if dad were to make some cement,
then a mixer is what he would rent.
adding water and sand,
he might do as i've planned:
pour a basement right under my tent!
"
"a cheesemonger's one who sells cheese,
hawking roqueforts and edams that please.
on fridays you'll get a
long spiel on his feta;
on tuesdays he's tooting the bries.
"
"chicken-livered? not me! i am brave,
not some poor pusillanimous knave.
but until that darn mouse
goes on back to its house
i will stay tucked away in this cave.
"
"jesse chisholm is known for his trail
that was used to drive cattle for sale.
from south texas, on north,
longhorn cattle poured forth,
up to kansas, for shipping by rail.
"
"there's a bar girl from east mozambique
with a body and talents unique.
this sweet harlot's a honey
(so sad i've no money?
i beg her to take my plastique).
"
"ataraxy?you've left far behind
all the troubles besetting your mind.
you're not bothered by strife
or disquiet in life.
it's a state quite elusive to find.
"
"how i long for a date with fair nancy,
an endeavor i know is quite chancy.
all the fellas that tried
have tragically died.
that's a fate that i don't really fancy.
"
"it is sap that it likes to ingest;
called the whitefly, it's known to infest
golden pothos i've grown.
its family's known:
aleyrodidae?houseplants' wee pest.
"
"having three weighted balls that are bound
by a cord made of leather, you've found
you're a boleadora,
and your purpose is for a
quick bringing of cows to the ground.
"
"i was snowboarding, took a great fall,
and i tumbled downhill, through a mall.
snow and books, fudge and shoes,
in a mass they would fuse?
an agglomerate (big, jumbled ball).
"
"there's a song played with muchas maracas
by ch?vez's would-be attackers:
""on old orinoco
big hugo's gone loco,""
they sing. ""he's completely caracas.""
"
"let's start with your language: too crude.
then your manners: disgusting with food.
but to break the news briefly,
i'm leaving you chiefly
'cause when were you last in the mood?
"
"i was made for the job, in my prime.
all my answers were brilliant, sublime.
but the questions for which
i'd prepared my best pitch
weren't the ones that they asked at the time.
"
"oh, mon cher chocolatier, please!
you are such an unbearable tease!
it is not comme il faut
to deny me g?teau
when for bon-bons i melt at the knees.
"
"independence day looms: the flag flies.
antiseparatist sentiments rise
in those parts of the nation
where unification
is felt to promote bluer skies.
"
"let us now ponder john c. calhoun:
gifted statesman or crazy buffoon?
""let not one slave be freed,""
he cried, ""else we'll secede!""
and the southern states danced to his tune.
"
"said the charlatan, ""note how your fears
fade away as you gaze at my spheres.""
but a heckler cried, ""balls!
when you speak, my skin crawls.""
and the crowd, who agreed, fell to jeers.
"
"i'm a chip, they say, off the old block.
like my father (who sired a whole flock
on his fertile foray
from la to taipei),
i've sowed oats from new york to bangkok.
"
"""cheshire cheese,"" said the mouse, ""i like fine.
dry and crumbly and sweet?quite divine!
but a big cheshire cat?
i do not  care for that:
it's all teeth?sends a chill up my spine.""
"
"on the matter of church versus state
henry tudor would brook no debate:
""pope be damned! 'pon my life
i shall take a sixth wife!
heaven's gatekeeper? meet my sweet cate.""
"
"in the bakery, shopping, was i,
when some great looking rolls i did spy.
said ""nice buns"" to the clerk,
and she yelled, ""what a jerk!""
well-bred gentlemen don't go awry.
"
"there's this broad, name of scar nose annette,
drives a hack?that's her job: a cabette.
on our streets she is found,
nightly prowling around
in her taxi?a '69 'vette.
"
"met this co-ed at college?sweet girl;
just one look had my heart all awhirl.
so i asked for a date,
and i soon became bait,
'cause her beau was a fullback named earl.
"
"""come, boss!"" i had yelled to the cow
that got lost in the darkness somehow.
but i erred in my sight?
'twas my wife in the night.
i will sleep on the sofa for now.
"
"at midnight, i heard the bells knell;
from a crypt came a bloodcurdling yell
that filled me with fright
on that halloween night?
by then i was running like hell!
"
"""quite a bumpkinly manner you've got.
a sophisticate, surely, you're not.
you're a rustic, a rube,
and a small-minded boob.""
that is just how i came to be shot.
"
"bombay duck is a fish, that's no lie.
first they clean it, then bone it, then dry
it on poles (there's no hurry)?
it's eaten with curry,
a lizardfish dish i won't try.
"
"when you're clodpated (dumb as an ox)
you've the brains of a box full of rocks.
you are missing a card
and, though trying real hard,
can't make sense of the book fox in socks.
"
"the word barffing is not what you think.
it's the coating of steel, not with zinc,
but an oxide, protecting
the surface projecting
from acids or air or a drink.
"
"the beet leafhopper's known as a pest,
a homopteran vector, at best.
through a virus, a plot
can be damaged a lot,
leaving sugar beet farmers distressed.
"
"the banana squash coloring's cream.
these you bake or puree, even steam.
they grow well in the sun;
be prepared, though, to run?
if you bring one more box i will scream.
"
"a bomblet's a small bomb, they say.
and a boomlet?  a small boom, okay?
if a bomblet goes boom,
can we safely assume
that a boomlet is coming our way?
"
"the black radish interior's white,
and its taste has a peppery bite.
this vegetable?black?
you  could eat as a snack,
and it's tasty when cooked up just right.
"
"the term blowball's applied to the ball
and the weed with its seeds oh-so-small.
these seeds float in the breeze
like some awful disease
and will sprout in your yard wall-to-wall.
"
"it pertains both to auk and to elk.
one grows feathers, the other gives milk.
the word alcine's referred
to both mammal and bird,
so why not to a daisy or whelk?
"
"perched up high on a telephone line,
belted kingfishers scan for a sign
in the water below?
for some minnows to show;
then these beautiful divers will dine.
"
"you've committed high treason, let's say.
for this crime a disgrace comes your way.
attainder's high cost?
civil rights you have lost?
with 'corruption of blood', your kin pay.
"
"there's a plant, which is worthy of fame,
called the big tree?the source of that claim.
californian giant,
boughs evergreen, pliant,
sequoia's its usual name.
"
"""control tower? i'm lost! help me please!
i'm somewhere above stormy seas!""
they radioed me,
""you've not left runway three.""
the faa soon took my keys.
"
"it is metal and flat and it's used
to hold cookies for baking?enthused?
it's a cookie sheet?heats
up delectable treats.
try these toadstool-mice crispies! (refused?)
"
"my dear bearded seal named lucille
likes to greet me each day with a squeal.
she has squarish front flippers
and loves to eat kippers
with bristly-faced sex appeal.
"
"the bee eater's an african bird,
and bees without stingers?  preferred.
so it rubs the caught bee
on a surface to free
the stinger, its poisons deterred.
"
"the bellbird the maoris have named
at least twenty-six times, it is claimed.
the new zealand woods ring
with their voice as they sing
from pared range, for which humans are blamed.
"
"it is known john james audubon's one?
he's his dad's illegitimate son.
out of wedlock created
is bastardy stated
(john's stigmatization'd begun).
"
"this man painted his birds with such grace,
using birdlime to hold them in place.
with this substance he could
paint small finches that would
otherwise fly from audubon's face.
"
"its five stamens give penstemon's name.
four are true; one is false, not the same
(called a staminode) ? there's
a fine covering ('hairs'),
and thus beardtongue this flower became.
"
"once a barfly from barstow, bernard,
(barred from bars?he was drinking too hard)
did, in pain and disgrace,
try to burn down one place.
behind bars, he's a barber and bard.
"
"atomarium: room with a view
of a real atomarium.  you
will see on display
a reactor that they
have installed for the public. woo hoo!
"
"once an anthracothere wallowed in
primeval swamps up to its chin.
it is most hard to think
that this beast is a link
'tween the whale and the hippo?they're kin.
"
"armed with crosses and torches, a mob
chased an alliumphobe, name of rob,
who, like many undead,
had a garlicky dread.
what's at stake for the mob? shish ke-bob.
"
"five accordions, bagpipes, and spoons,
with two harpsichord-playing baboons?
concept albums like this
sure ain't musical bliss?
songs from hell?coming soon to itunes!
"
"you're carnivorous?  meat's what you eat,
and a steak or some ribs is a treat.
even better, go feast
on some prime wildebeest,
for good gnu's, as they say, hard to beat.
"
"it's a diver?no percher who sings:
a brachypterous bird has short wings.
it is known too that some
types of insects will come
with these blunt, rudimentary things.
"
"for the covered-dish supper last week,
my dear aunt brought a cake most unique.
it had beans and fried rat
and a road-flattened cat,
topped with icing of gizzard and beak.
"
"if you're harvesting cotton, then you'll
need the help of the small cotton mule.
they will bear on their backs
the picked cotton, in sacks,
standing fourteen hands high, as a rule.
"
"down this bypath less traveled i drove,
to a barn for an old, rusty stove,
past abandoned farm trucks,
and still ponds filled with ducks,
fifteen miles outside quaint miller's grove.
"
"what a chowderhead!  maybe it's cruel?
i like brains over brawn, as a rule.
you're a dolt. though that's bad,
what is really so sad
is you look just like francis the mule.
"
"the brassiere was invented one day
by a man name of titzling, folks say.
""that's a lie!"" some retort,
but it's got some support,
from a source that may hold little sway.
"
"the reunion was held at the park,
and i went with my step-brother mark.
my uncle's young daughter
(my cousiness) brought her
new bagpipes and played until dark.
"
"i've a friend who's chinese named chuck ling.
he finds humor in most any thing.
he will chortle all day
over pandas at play,
and he laughed when i dropped that old ming.
"
"when a damaging frost takes its toll,
your cotton won't open in whole.
a bolly it's called,
when your boll remains balled,
as is cotton that's ginned from this boll.
"
"my darling's remark cut so deep?oh
how it hurt when she called me a cheapo.
so i treated her right
with a dinner last night
at the snack bar at chez office depot.
"
"made a cyborg last year in my lab,
from my wife and an old yellow cab.
my, what headlights she's got,
and her chassis's so hot!
(she's in henry ford clinic?rehab.)
"
"when they raided aunt charlotte's bordello,
i was found in a hot tub of jell-o,
with charlotte, a goat,
and two dwarfs in a boat.
(we were acting out shakespeare's othello.)
"
"i'd an african lemur named ringo,
and a wild aussie dog i called bingo.
when the one disappeared,
it was just as i feared?
the bush baby ate my poor dingo.
"
"i was sleeping so soundly in turkey,
when i woke to some goats oh-so-perky.
the front desk i then called.
""i've aegagri,"" i bawled.
""they are stinking wild goats, you big jerky.""
"
"""when a gem like a diamond's been cut
into numerous facets, then what
it is suitably named
is a brilliant,"" exclaimed
the gem dealer, ""a stone you can strut!""
"
"a large indian stork, this bird likes
to eat putrefied carrion?yikes.
for the adjutant bird,
life near water's preferred;
with a soldierly gait this bird hikes.
"
"you are creepy in more than one way:
you've a look that keeps witches at bay,
plus, you creep right along
like a tapeworm gone wrong,
so i don't think i'll ask you to stay.
"
"when you're born with no arms and no head,
and poor you, more than likely, are dead,
it's acephalobrachia?
do you still have a trachea??
a defect a parent must dread.
"
"the dyslexic new bugler named sprat,
b company's beboppin' cat,
has his men never knowing
if they're coming or going,
'cause at night he is blowing out spat.
"
"you're a partly digested foul mass;
semifluid and icky, you pass
out the stomach and flow
to duodenum?go!
you are chyme, and more stinky than gas!
"
"in a bunker i hide from my wife?
in this cozy ol' hole there's no strife.
i have food for a year,
though i know that my dear
could be mad for the rest of my life.
"
"the blesmol of africa is
a fossorial tunneling whiz.
he will dig with his teeth
and eat bulbs from beneath?
(call him mole rat if asked in a quiz.)
"
"the archaeoraptor's a fake?
all it took was adhesive to make
this chimera (it's two
different fossils and glue).
took an expert to know it's not jake.
"
"a bugeye's a flat-bottomed boat;
on the chesapeake bay, one's afloat.
the crew's in bikinis,
and sipping martinis!
it's sure that i'm bug-eyed, i'll note.
"
"a skilled caricaturist will render
your features with comical splendor:
your head strangely huge,
a nose like a luge,
and posterior big as a tender.
"
"this butter-and-eggs is a weed,
a perennial, showy indeed,
with its flowers of yellow
and orange that a fellow
can give to his date to succeed.
"
"an image in stone he was carvin',
and he hoped for a sale?he was starvin'.
this carven depiction?
a creature of fiction:
my favorite martian called marvin.
"
"silence shattered?my burglar alarm!
someone wishing to do me some harm!
as this warning bell sounds,
i'll be loading some rounds?
this intruder is buying the farm.
"
"""it's a leather from skin of a kid
(a young  goat?don't go flippin' your lid!)
or a chamois or lamb,
known as  canepin, ma'am.
it is never from skin of a squid.""
"
"there you're sitting, an old, drunken fool.
on a stool in an alehouse you rule.
you're an aleknight all day,
then you stagger away
to wake up in a puddle of drool.
"
"a catastrophe's when your ship sinks,
when your city's attacked by mad minks,
when your house has a flood,
when you've lost all your blood,
when you're sixty o'er par on the links.
"
"i arrived at her mansion to see
new stone walls and some guards, two or three.
""what's all this?"" was my query.
""of your dullness, i'm weary.
this afforcement, it keeps you from me.""
"
"there's a bird-eating spider?  you joke!
for surely the spider would choke.
this tarantula, though,
will digest them real slow.
this spider can harm?don't provoke.
"
"these whales and their curious kin
from the depths have a falcated fin
on their back, and up front
is a beak that is blunt.
once the hunt caused their numbers to thin.
"
"a grayish-brown sheep with white rump,
rock to rock it will fearlessly jump.
in the mountainous west,
on its amorous quest,
it butts horns with a thunderous thump.
"
"albugineous:  white as can be,
like a berg, or a ghost you can see;
like the white of an egg,
a cadaverous leg,
or a branch on a snow-covered tree.
"
"our chamber of commerce promotes
this fair city with great, pithy quotes:
""come to jackrabbit flats,
now with far fewer rats""
and ""our town?think sheboygan with goats.""
"
"on a cold winter's night, teeth achatter,
we wait in the dark for the clatter
that's made by the hoofs
of eight reindeer on roofs;
we're all hoping that santa's no fatter.
"
"prized for meat and its eggs, natives slaughter
the arrau, swimming amazon water.
side-necked turtles can hide
their large heads to one side?
this one's egg when kept warm yields a daughter.
"
"in a goose was this carbuncle found.
forty grains all at once the fowl downed.
with this gem rare and blue,
sherlock holmes had a clue,
and his skillful deductions astound.
"
"the new centry on guard at the gate
must've stood at least seven-foot-eight.
""who's there?"" he asked, growly,
looking fierce, smelling foully.
shoulda never asked him for a date.
"
"my mother-in-law's cloven feet,
plus her pitchfork and horns?  really neat!
all these symbols of satan,
and this woman i'm hatin',
make this picture of evil complete.
"
"the nilghai's known too by the name
of blue bull?it's the male who's to blame.
he's a handsome steel blue,
while the cow's a brown hue.
he's the largest in asia, they claim.
"
"it's my first bungee jump?i'm a wreck.
they assure me the cord is hi-tech.
so i'll bungee away,
but i've one thing to say?
is the cord meant to be 'round my neck?
"
"a bergschrund's a glacial crevasse
which occurs near the head of the mass
of packed ice.  it's a wide,
deeply plunging divide,
in a dangerous, icy morass.
"
"the brush turkey's nest can astound.
in australia this bird builds a mound
that's some four meters wide.
incubating inside
are the eggs?sometimes fifty are found.
"
"the beauty heart radish is red
in the middle?it's nothing to dread,
for it's tasty inside.
with a white and green hide,
it's attractive when sliced?enough said.
"
"it is part of what gauchos will wear
on the pampas?bombachas?and they're
these loose baggy pants
that protect (against ants?)
as these cowboys give cattle their care.
"
"with a bullhorn the feds said to me,
""you're surrounded, surrender, don't flee!""
so i write this last rhyme
ere i go do my time
for that limerick-rapping cd.
"
"a busload of cheerleaders stopped by,
and into my hot tub they hopped.  my!
there were giggles and screams . . .
(wait, it's one of those dreams,
a result of those pills that i popped. sigh.)
"
"take some butter and scotch, mix them well,
you get butterscotch, right?  but you tell
me i'm wrong?it's a candy
and a pudding that's dandy,
made with butter and brown sugar.  swell!
"
"'twas a buzz saw the villain named howe
meant to use on the poor damsel?ow.
angry blade all awhirl?
who would rescue this girl?
too late! she's my half sister now.
"
"to the cop he confessed, ""yes, it's true,
i'm a bagman for lefty larue.
i collect the day's take,
then i hand it to jake,
my proctologist?he's in this, too.""
"
"wherever i walk, men are awed.
i am worshipped for brains and for bod.
so with reverence bow
and adore me right now!
(autodeists presume they are god.)
"
"while a blinkard's a person who's slow-
witted, stupid, obtuse, so you know?
i no longer will use
rusty nails, pins or glues
for my hat on the days the winds blow.
"
"to impress her i juggled a plate,
two bananas, three ducks, and a skate.
""your baboonery's sick.
get me out of here quick!""
still i begged her for just one more date.
"
"i've heard woofing your cookies for this
(also spewing) when something's amiss.
when you barf, you expel
'cause you're feeling like hell,
and for sure you're not getting a kiss.
"
"an old arsonist liked to eat beans?
ate a case every day since his teens.
once, while torching a place,
he got launched into space
when he blew a big hole in his jeans.
"
"acetabularia: a)
type of green marine algae, and they
look like mushrooms in form,
live in seas that are warm,
and are b) quite a mouthful to say.
"
"what's a word for a strumpet or whore,
a courtesan, wench... (there are more)?
the answer, my friend,
is blowen?i spend
so much time with the one who's next door.
"
"reddish-brown with a white-spotted coat,
with large antlers and white on its throat,
the axis deer's home's
in sri lanka?it roams
too on ranches in texas, please note.
"
"you've a bomb shelter under your floor,
but it's not to keep safe from a war.
down there's poker and chips,
beer and pizza and dips,
and, of course, the occasional whore.
"
"checkerbelly, the white-fronted goose,
has a beak that is pink, not chartreuse.
with its colorful feet,
this barred goose is complete
with gray feathers from head to caboose.
"
"i'll admit that i've tried very hard
to extirpate this grass from my yard.
stoloniferous pest:
bermuda's a test?
its relentless growth's tough to retard.
"
"in your churchgoing, sir, you take pride.
in your pew, with your wife by your side,
you appear so devout,
you felonious lout?
few will care when they hear that you've died.
"
"in the playoffs, the fielder named mudd,
who played center, connected?a ""thud!""
it was chased down by fletcher,
who threw to the catcher,
but by then into home mudd had slud.
"
"bitter fruits of my years as a writer?
mounds of debt, and i'm fifty pounds lighter.
and that one special teacher
who said, ""write!""?could i reach her,
i am sure i would probably bite her.
"
"as a character actor, i play
smaller roles in a memorable way.
in dracula's chimp
i was ""dude with a limp""?
an orangoutan dressed like fay wray.
"
"a chili dog's not a cold pet,
nor a mountaintop hound of tibet.
it's a hotdog with chili
con carne, so, silly,
don't take this ol' dog to the vet.
"
"i have an old burro named jo
who is cranky, obnoxious, and slow.
still she's such a sweet ass,
so i travelled to mass.
and i married her, loving her so.
"
"for her birthday i gave her amsonia,
but i stupidly called it begonia.
""it's the 'blue star'?superb!
a perennial herb!
learn your plants or i'm gonna disown ya.""
"
"a clunker's a car that is junk.
it makes sounds like the chipmunks gone punk.
there's many a scratch,
and the tires don't match,
and it smells like a skunk's in the trunk.
"
"the closer they'd chosen to play
was the left-handed fastballer gray.
in the ninth he came in,
helped his team to a win,
and was cheered on that opening day.
"
"my captress, a woman named kate,
set her trap using cheesecake as bait.
then she locked me away
for a week and a day?
the most fun that i've had on a date.
"
"it's pathetic, the life that i've led?
met a woman with more than one head,
and alas, it is so,
i got more than one 'no!'
when i tried to entice her to bed.
"
"there's a creature that lives in my cellar,
a fanged and sharp-clawed darkness-dweller.
it lurks in the gloom
of this dank, musty room.
i don't dare go down there 'cause i'm yeller.
"
"take some cod liver oil twice a day,
'cause it's full of this vitamin a.
it may wrinkle your nose,
even curl up your toes,
but the pain in your joints goes away.
"
"alopecurus:  foxtails, most grown
ornamentally; some, though, are known
as vile bothersome weeds
sprung from plentiful seeds.
these grasses' duality's shown.
"
"it's a band that encircles a bale,
made of steel guaranteed not to fail.
called a cotton tie, it
is unlikely to fit
'round the neck of a dressing-up male.
"
"anatosaurus? this dino's no more.
as the trachodon, 'twas known before.
tall as forty feet grown,
this duckbill's now known
as edmontosaurus of yore.
"
"forced to land when their petrol runs way low,
the chanteuse and her pilot can't lay low.
he's the cannibals' meal,
she's dessert (oh, don't squeal,
for there's always, they say, room for j-lo).
"
"the babblers, a family of birds,
are known, not for onslaughts of words,
but for volumes of notes
out of musical throats.
it is strange they're in flocks and not herds.
"
"there's butut (as ""boo-toot"" it's pronounced)
and there's butt toot, an act that's denounced.
one is gambian money,
the other's just funny
(in church, though, you'd risk being bounced).
"
"your dresser appears to be swelling.
it's outwardly curved, thereby telling
the world it's bomb?.
that's a style, now pass?,
of the chests that stores used to be selling.
"
"""you ol' buzzard, let's move that mercedes!
you drive like a herd of old ladies!""
as i flipped him the bird
i saw then that (my word!)
he's my priest!  well, i'm going to hades.
"
"protected by thorny brush fronting,
it's a blind that attackers find blunting.
it is known as a boma.
where's it found? oklahoma?
no, in africa?use it when hunting.
"
"after work the  ol' cowboy would head
to the bunkhouse and his comfy bed
in the hope of some sleep,
but he's not counting sheep?
wooly beasts aren't allowed on this spread.
"
"a cowcatcher's purpose is plain.
it's affixed to the front of the train.
made of metal, it smacks
cattle off of the tracks,
thus preventing derailment, a pain.
"
"the borele's black and two-horned?
with this pair his big nose is adorned.
but these horns are not trumpets;
these beasts are not dumb pets?
they're rhinos most fearsome?be warned!
"
"on a dare she once streaked through a dairy,
then dove in a vat, feeling airy,
emerging so buttery?
my heart went all fluttery?
i knew that this girl i would marry.
"
"i'm a cabineer?that's what i am.
in this log home i'm snug as a lamb.
i'm as tough as a bear
and a ghost i could scare?
it's too bad i'm called sissy butt sam.
"
"the manservant, loyal and true,
had a fling with the maid and then flew.
she declared, ""i'm with child!""
and completely went wild?
""i was buttled, by god, in the loo!""
"
"kicked the bucket or bought the farm means
that you shouldn't have eaten those greens.
now to yon undertaker?
you're meeting your maker
(a council of angels convenes).
"
"""i'll be damned!"" cried the prez from his seat
upon spilling his flavored ice treat.
used a vacuum remover
we called ""sherbert hoover"";
a pun that's this bad's hard to beat.
"
"had a salad with bad mayonnaise?
'twas a caesar i tossed a far ways.
but hors d'oeuvres were a treat:
cream-puff shells filled with meat.
'twas the ides, and i ate two bouch?es.
"
"there were flames that were spotted last night,
and a bucket brigade showed their might.
passing water, they fought
what an arsonist wrought.
one was awed at their spirited fight.
"
"a chopine is an old, high-soled shoe?
for a chorine who drinks it won't do.
this chlorine blonde's liver
needs help, so they give her
some choline (a transplant is due).
"
"it's the time-hardened urine of rats,
found in caves sometimes lived in by bats.
called amberat, it's
used in binding the bits
of a midden, the home of their brats.
"
"what my boss yelled (""you fat, worthless flunkie!"")
made me pig out?ten quarts chunky monkey.
my shape i deplore;
i got stuck in the door,
for this poor ice cream junkie's quite chunky.
"
"on a dark, scary bystreet i lurk,
in a part of this town you should shirk.
in the shadows i hide;
from all notice i've shied?
all of this just to get out of work.
"
"in a time long ago folks would gather
this plant, crushing stems for a lather.
bouncing bet is its name
(also soapwort?the same).
now our soap's neatly boxed, if you'd rather.
"
"this tropical fruit, round and yellow,
isn't known as a flavor of jell-o.
baked breadfruit, in hue,
is like bread (texture too).
you can eat it while playing the cello.
"
"a support known to plants, it is found
growing out of the stem above ground.
called a brace root, some trees
and some grasses have these.
(with this knowledge go forth and astound.)
"
"as a'a, it's limericked well,
but as block lava, this i will tell?
they are one and the same,
only difference?the name.
(and this baklava tastes really swell.)
"
"the male seals have a bladder up front,
so they're blethernose. squid's what they hunt.
pups are called by the hue
of their backs?steely blue.
they are weaned in just days?quite a stunt!
"
"it's not just a plant or a knife,
or a sad sack whose skills are not rife.
my bolo's a tie
that is corded, and i
truly cherish this gift from my wife.
"
"i am adbeel?of sons, i'm the third
of ishmael's twelve (what a herd!).
had some things rearranged
by my doctors?i've changed,
so now ""miss paula"" adbeel's preferred.
"
"though the aardvark is known to us all,
of the boschvark we have no recall.
it's a bushpig that's red,
and is maned, back and head.
it's an african swine of transvaal.
"
"churra: ancient iberian breed
of sheep, brought by spaniards to feed
hungry armies of men
in southwestern camps?then,
for the navajo, they filled a need.
"
"a good bush pilot's willing to fly
into wilderness just to supply
things to help folks survive:
food to keep them alive,
and some mace for a polar bear's eye.
"
"""it's an outrage you show no contrition!
for your cheapness you'll need a physician!""
with this thing off the shelf
she affixed me herself.
as of now i'm in stapler condition.
"
"he was anguished at losing his tail,
and was told that he looked a bit pale.
""as a lizard (no snake?
just no limbs, for pete's sake!),
i'm a blindworm that doesn't need braille.""
"
"it was once a room butts were within.
(butts are large casks of liquor, like gin.)
but a buttery now?
it's a shop selling chow,
or a bread roll, from scotland, that's thin.
"
"an omnivorous bird is the bustard;
they'll eat many things, even custard.
their numbers?declining;
could hunters be pining
for legs of this bird, served with mustard?
"
"the shoe buyer first takes a seat.
then the salesman will measure his feet
with a brannock device,
which is awfully nice
for determining size so complete.
"
"dating cheerleaders?  something i fear,
though they're pretty and bouncy and dear.
what's the thing that i dread?
i am so good in bed,
they will afterwards stand up and cheer.
"
"he is grizzled and gnarly, smells bad.
in the skins of a deer he is clad.
all his teeth have been lost,
has one ear, eyes are crossed?
still, this buckskinned ol' trapper's my dad.
"
"from the boudoir?a ghost, who said, ""boo!""
thus i boogied?this boob really flew.
got a boo-boo (i tripped)?
 i cried, ""boohoo!""  i'd ripped
my blue bustier  (busted in two).
"
"upper limb of a munchkin it's not,
nor a gun from which bb's are shot.
an armlet's a bay
short and narrow, they say,
where a fingerling's handily caught.
"
"""heard you once were a ballhooter, bob.
tell me, brutter, about your last job.""
""was a lumberjack, bill,
who rolled logs down a hill,
now a dancer in les mis?rables.""
"
"she is bullnecked and cross-eyed and shy,
and she belches and smells like a guy.
yes, her neck's like a log,
and she eats like a hog,
but i love my sweet lola, oh my!
"
"at the cowboy i whistled, ""hey, you!
you are really a strong buckeroo.""
well, he looked at me strange,
said, ""homo on the range,""
then he backed away slowly?boo hoo!
"
"the camelopard, strange-looking beast,
likes to reach to the treetops to feast,
for his neck is so long
that it looks a bit wrong?
any pills that he takes must be greased.
"
"in nabokov's lolita this word
for an immature female is heard.
for your information:
the english translation?
""fish for baking""?to me seems absurd.
"
"it means shaped like a hook or a crook,
not a nook or a brook or a book.
an aduncate-type nose,
good for sniffing a rose,
gives a person a menacing look.
"
"as a weapon this bz was used,
and the enemy troops it confused.
when inhaled it would cause
all their senses to pause.
this psychotic leaves psyches abused.
"
"what a body had abbie cadaver:
drop-dead gorgeous?i'd kill just to have her.
on our very first date
(scared stiff and so late)
i bored her to death with palaver.
"
"i've been assegaied!  get me a doc!
with this spear in my rear i'm in shock!
i was petting a gnu
when this idiot threw
his new javelin into my hock.
"
"at break dancing i am the king.
why, i've broken most ev-er-y thing,
like ten chairs and a door.
says my doctor, ""no more!""
as he's putting my ass in a sling.
"
"in the clubhouse, muldoon, so distraught,
kicked his locker and screamed a whole lot.
then he showered and left?
he's so bitter, bereft.
now his nickname's the sulkin' of swat.
"
"when you loudly progress up a street
in the junkiest heap of your fleet,
and it's  chortling?the cop
wants it fixed at a shop,
or you'll have to rely on your feet.
"
"i owe and i owe and i owe.
as for money, i've nothing to show.
this damn agency's calling,
and they're tired of my stalling.
their collection success?  very low.
"
"""a clodlet is just a small clod
of earth?that's a fact i find odd,""
said my love. ""i'd have sworn,
since the day you were born,
it was you with your pygmy-sized bod.""
"
"the old cageman (a basketball player)
named huckabee ""rubberlegs"" thayer
couldn't dribble or shoot,
couldn't play worth a hoot,
so this cager is now our town's mayor.
"
"got a message from fair agent x.
it was coded to baffle the czechs.
i'll descramble it though,
because x is a ho,
so i know that it's all about sex.
"
"your foulness and filthiness?ewww!
you're more stinky than pepe le pew.
it's your dirtiness that's
disconcerting the rats.
how i rue that i uttered, ""i do.""
"
"a blackener, working on leather,
puts blackening compound on.  whether
or not he's a slacker,
he's too called a blacker?
it's doubtful he'd ever do pleather.
"
"from the prez, a congratulant letter:
""way to go!  you're a pulitzer getter!
you're a bard i revere,
so stop by for a beer?
see my prize, the nobel (it's much better).""
"
"an ill wind blew through bayville  the day
when bob's baked bean burrito buffet
had its opening blast?
many folk were aghast
at all those who were passing away.
"
"in a cave, dark and cold, was good news?
a warm bear, hunkered down for a snooze.
the lad crawled in the lair,
snuggled up to the bear
(as he figured he'd nothing to lose)?
"
"in the blizzard of 1904,
winds howled with a terrible roar.
in the snow and the frost
roy was hopelessly lost,
but was saved by a male grizzly (boar).
"
"when i heard that you think that i'm daft
(which means silly or foolish), i laughed.
it is you who's confused,
and you keep me amused,
for you don't know your head from your aft.
"
"by a byname (cognomen) i'm known
(certain folks think it's quite overblown),
but ""magnificent one,""
when it's all said and done,
falls far short of the truth?where's my throne?
"
"i could sit here and endlessly prattle
'bout my gelbviehs?my prize-winning cattle.
i rustled these cows,
plus ten goats and two sows,
and i'm hoping that no one will tattle.
"
"at age eight, on a cold winter's day,
he set out to chop wood, lost his way.
and a deep darkness fell,
a cimmerian hell?
then the gale and the snow hit the stray.
"
"at age one he was mauled by a duck,
then at two in some quicksand got stuck.
at age three he got rabies?
there are really no maybes,
little roy was the king of bad luck.
"
"heading west on the oregon trail,
a pioneer woman, most frail,
gave birth to a boy
whom a priest christened roy?
started sissy butt sam's sorry tale.
"
"on the beach she suggestively moaned?
the tanned co-ed, all bronzy and toned.
so i sucked in my gut,
made my move?you know what?
she's a butcher, so now i'm deboned.
"
"down the business end (gulp!) of a gun
i was looking, with nowhere to run,
so don't mess with the wife
of a guy with a knife
or a pickaxe or gun?it's no fun.
"
"with a chainsaw she cut through  my door,
and, waving it, charged with a roar.
""i'm unstable, you say?""
she screamed, ""i'll fillet!!!!""
that's one nun i won't date any more.
"
"there are two kinds of falconers, yes.
one's a longwinger, other one?guess?
is a shortwinger, who
is called austringer, too.
he trains goshawks to hunt with finesse.
"
"afrikaans is where blesbok's name came,
and the bontebok's nearly the same.
this antelope's rare,
has spiral horns (pair),
and a blaze on its face, hence its name.
"
"you've got bones?  then you're boney (rhymes not
with honey or money?it's got
not a schwa, but long 'o').
same as bony, 'tis so,
and could mean you don't weigh a whole lot.
"
"a strange fish, on the bottom it's dwelling.
it's the allmouth, with features quite telling.
with a filament dangling,
for its prey it goes angling.
(it's not lovey, who always is yelling.)
"
"with the hedge clippers i was de-thumbed,
and my poodle to ague succumbed.
i've been audited twice,
and i think i've got lice.
you were wondering why i am bummed?
"
"a roman compluvium's where
a roof-hole admits light and air,
and rainwater too
is collected for you
in the peristyle's basin that's there.
"
"indigenous tribes used the wood;
for their arrows and bows it was good.
called bodark, this tree
shelters cows in its lee,
and fences of hedge have long stood.
"
"wanna buy a stuffed goat with one eye?
or a coat made of lint?  i'm your guy.
i'm a cheapjack, a dealer
in crap, like this peeler,
just one ninety-nine?what a buy!
"
"""be gone, wicked satan!  get out!
you are banished, you cloven-hooved lout!""
my exorcist's great.
he got rid of my date.
she ran out the front door with a shout.
"
"the old battle-axe roared in my face,
""you are nothing?a waste of good space!
you pen limericks all day?
not a cent do they pay!
you're a metric'ly challenged disgrace!""
"
"""you're excreta!"" my boss yelled at me.
""you are stinking and foul as can be!
you are dung! you are crap!
you're manure, you sap!
you are doo doo and feces and pee!""
"
"""last night's concert was something to see!
'twas outdoors?in a bowl?'neath a tree!""
to my mom i explained,
""i was thus entertained
oh so amphitheatrically!""
"
"gave a buzz cut to dad's prize chinchilla,
once a furry wee beast name of willa.
now her fur is so sparse
from her nose to her arse
that the sight turned my dad 'to a killa.
"
"my mom's busting her buttons right now,
rightly proud of her son, i'll allow.
i can tie my own shoes
any time that i choose,
and it took only fifty years?wow!
"
"an alliumphile, name of gallium,
loved garlic-themed movies. (to tally 'em
isn't hard.) in one schlocky,
odd remake of rocky,
the hero kept yelling, ""yo, allium!""
"
"nashville's rca studio b
has a keyboard for tourists to see.
it is called a celeste,
and the sound it makes best
is a bell when you strike any key.
"
"'twas a cow that i hit on the road,
plus a possum, two deer, and a toad,
three raccoons and an ox,
fifteen gerbils, one fox?
over all of these critters i mowed.
"
"it's a place where computer stuff goes.
first it's there, then it's not?yes, it blows.
called  cyberia, it
can result in a fit,
a forlorn place where it never snows.
"
"roy emerged from the dark of the lair
riding bareback astride of his bear.
a bit rattled and addled,
back home he skedaddled
(unsaddled) to moose derriere.
"
"all you bullies, this warning's for you:
i'll bulk up and, you cretins, you're through.
you'll be awed by my muscle,
and whupped in our tussle . . .
(oh my god! i've a sliver! boo hoo!)
"
"as a babe, our boy roy was quite big,
and he ate like a semi-starved pig?
downing rattlesnake steaks
and tumbleweed cakes,
and sometimes a newton of fig.
"
"i'm a circus employee, and i
am a pitching and taking down guy.
i'm a  canvasman, hence,
my line of work's tents.
it's my business to work on the fly.
"
"i'll dispose of your nonsense, you  jerk!
it is hygiene and manners you shirk!
i can't take any more,
so i'll show you the door!
(by the way, can you drive me to work?)
"
"""what's the term,"" asked my wife, ""for those trees
that will flower and fruit with great ease
from the trunk or a branch?""
""cauliflorous, dear blanche.
both the redbud and jackfruit are these.""
"
"""ol' bessie is calfy,"" mac said.
""the cow's pregnant,"" explained his son fred.
""she's in calf,"" said fred's wife,
""for our herd, a new life,
coming months after bessie was bred.""
"
"when you bushwhack, you pounce on your prey,
from a spot where you're hidden away.
i hear folks think it's funny?
i bushwhacked a bunny
that hopped me unconscious that day.
"
"in the bathroom i was when the man
caught me dancing real wild?i'm a fan
of that offenbach song.
can't be working here long.
danced the cancan?got canned in the can.
"
"this company's mine, here is why:
the majority share i could buy
of the stocks?this is called
a buyout. enthralled,
i hope pete's pickled pigs' feet will fly.
"
"with her cleavage on view through the lace,
and the way she had made up her face,
she appeared on the prowl,
so i said, with a growl,
""father's wake, mother, isn't the place!""
"
"the next tetherball game that you play,
try impressing your friends when you say,
""the centripetal force
keeps the ball on its course
and prevents it from flying away.""
"
"being stuck in my room is a bore?
i'm so big i can't fit through the door!
as my corpulence grows,
i will burst all my clothes
and eventually fall through the floor.
"
"past the food with our trays we all file
when it's served cafeteria-style.
it means there's a lot
we can choose from (and not
that the mystery meat here is vile).
"
"i am glad that my brand-new black hearse
has a tape deck with auto reverse.
for now i can play
my dead tapes all day,
since the guys in the back are so terse.
"
"an airhead once thought it was cool
to call in a bomb scare at school.
he thought with this scam
he could skip his exam,
and he did?he's in jail now, the fool!
"
"the innkeeper found me a mess,
so i felt that i had to confess.
""i sure am a fool?
i jumped in your pool,
never seeing it started with cess!""
"
"with her winks that were plainly come-hither,
she played my poor heart like a zither.
she enticed me to bed,
but next morning she fled,
and my clothes and my wallet went with her!
"
"the remote resting there on your belly
controls the black box on your telly;
that box makes you able
to watch what's on cable,
which turns your poor brain into jelly.
"
"through the store with her list he does browse.
did his wife mean the milk that's from cows?
was it rice? was it oat?
was it soy? was it goat?
she will do her own shopping, he vows.
"
"we met through a classified ad.
she sent me her picture (unclad!).
we were on our third date
when she said while we ate,
""and to think, just last month, i was brad!""
"
"that red turban you wear on your head,
while you claim that you speak with the dead,
may make you flamboyant
but not a clairvoyant?
i'm quite certain my mother's not ""fred.""
"
"in the future, young spellers at bees,
when a word makes their brains seem to freeze,
will hope for a nudge
by asking the judge,
""use the word in a limerick, please!""
"
"did you know cellulosic material
(such as corn stalks), by action bacterial,
can produce a green fuel?
now that will be cool,
when both you and your car run on cereal!
"
"abietic's the acid within
softwood resins that irritate skin.
yet my ears are what fear it
when my kid starts to smear it
on the bow of his new violin!
"
"""have i told you, my love, that your eyes
are cerulean, blue like the skies?""
but those eyes can see through
what i'm trying to do?
""you are not going out with the guys!""
"
"""i would like to be vegan,"" claimed roy.
but an antianemia ploy
was his pretext to eat
his daily red meat?
though i bet he's just tired of soy.
"
"in two-thousand-and-four we began
the oedilf's brobdingnagian plan:
to define every word
with a limerick. absurd?
it's our anapest destiny, man!
"
"my wife had this awful cat mack?
my fish tank he loved to attack.
so i bought a caribe
and named her miss phoebe.
soon mack was her afternoon snack.
"
"king arthur encountered a fellow
who was known for his backbone of jell-o
and lack of acumen.
""i dub thee sir rumen?
like earwax, you're thick and you're yellow.""
"
"imagine a tetherball game.
centrifugal force is the name
of the notional thing
that pulls on the string
in a rotating reference frame.
"
"when i praise your celerity, gene,
don't infer you are leafy and green
like a celery stick.
what i mean is you're quick,
but you still might curtail the caffeine.
"
"bht is but one of a slew
of your processed foods' chemical stew.
it's not just in your bread?
it's embalming the dead.
so your food's perhaps processing you!
"
"to measure the acid in wine,
acidometers work out just fine.
these devices will meter
total acid per liter,
but please don't test this glass?it's mine!
"
"anticounterfeiting designs
may include special inks and fine lines.
if the money you copy
turns out to be sloppy,
you'll be facing steel bars and stiff fines.
"
"a camorra's a secret society
which is known for its evil, not piety.
but write it camorra
(and don your fedora)
and you mean the italian variety.
"
"as our raft begins picking up steam,
we accelerate swiftly downstream.
when i ask our guide why,
i don't hear his reply,
since the waterfall drowns out his scream.
"
"as vacations go, this is the worst.
we are lost and are dying of thirst.
but i'll soon have relief,
since the cannibal chief
said he'd eat up my nagging wife first.
"
"if the man has a bone in his nose,
and is wearing a loincloth for clothes,
and you're in a big pot
that is getting quite hot,
he's a cannibal, then, i suppose.
"
"there once was a whaler named bob
who suddenly started to sob.
said the blubbering fool,
throwing down his sharp tool,
""i'm just not cut out for this job!""
"
"what is cloudy?  an overcast day,
or your water's the color of clay,
or your mind could be clearer
(or the view in your mirror),
or a painting that's scumbled and gray.
"
"this condition makes sufferers tire.
caused by virus, you feel you're on fire,
and your vomitus, dark,
means your outlook is stark?
with black vomit your prospects are dire.
"
"when a surgeon's exploring your gut,
and lymphatics or vessels are cut,
as a matter of fact
there's a term for this act:
angiotomy?open-and-shut.
"
"a boatbill's a bird with a beak
like the keel of a boat.  if you seek,
he'll be found in a zoo?
south america, too.
if you ketch one you yacht not to freak.
"
"he's a jockey's apprentice, that's true,
'cause in stature, the short straw he drew.
called a bug boy, of course
he will ride any horse,
and sometimes the moose at the zoo.
"
"many pictures i snap will be viewed
by my fans.  some are arty, some crude.
i'm a camerist. i,
paparazzo, no lie,
just love shooting stars in the nude.
"
"as a rule, i will get up at noon,
walk my turtle, and feed my baboon.
if it's friday i'll wash,
juggle chainsaws and squash,
then dance naked and howl at the moon.
"
"our defenseman, the cornerback bass,
faded back as he covered a pass.
he jumped high in the air,
but the ball wasn't there,
and he tumbled and busted his ass.
"
"colorado's state tree's bluish hue
makes this spruce ornamental to view.
its square needles (sharp, stiff),
when crushed, stink?do not sniff!
though called blue spruce, it's not always blue.
"
"for a gun, these are terms i will teach:
first the barrel and bore, then the breech,
while the buttstock comes last?
you are catching on fast.
also learn to keep guns out of reach.
"
"colorado? i filmed there last fall
for a tourism piece, i recall,
titled aurulent?yes,
leaving viewers to guess
it meant ""golden in color"", you all.
"
"the masked butcher-bird sits on the line,
with its dinner impaled on a spine.
here it's loggerhead shrike,
and it's bugs that they like,
though a lizard or mouse will do fine.
"
"one deciduous tree is the beech,
up to eighty feet tall it will reach,
with an edible nut,
and smooth bark you can cut,
it is kin to the oak, not the peach.
"
"a called strike  had ended the game,
and muldoon hung his head down in shame.
he had watched that last pitch?
didn't swing, didn't twitch.
for this heartrending loss he's to blame.
"
"in this movie, the vampire's lewd.
he is chest-biting, toothy, and crude.
and his canines, so long,
have inspired his song.
he sings  ""fangs for the mammaries"" ? nude.
"
"""worthless lackey, it's you  i'll disbowel!
i'll gut you at once with my trowel!""
(though my boss thinks i'm lazy,
methinks he is crazy,
for planning a murder most foul.)
"
"a brown bat (made of wood) once was bought
and then swung by the sultan of swat.
but this bat comes with wings,
lives in caves, never swings,
and it relishes bugs that it's caught.
"
"his new lexicon's not what it seems.
""it defines all words wrongly,"" he steams.
so the book that he bought
is just nothing but rot.
the phrase ""caveat emptor"" it screams.
"
"it's a dog breed that's hardy and black
and was bred to guard sheep from attack.
belgium's where they are from
and fine pets they've become
'cause it's sheep that these dogs sorely lack.
"
"i've a cat, a wee beast i call smedley,
when he goes, out it blows, oh, most read'ly.
just be warned?i don't mace?
it's 'a rear' in your face,
and the spray, you will find, is most deadly.
"
"all the kids in my class are real dense,
so i tell them a buck's twenty cents.
it's quite fun?they agree
and nod credulously?
then i get nasty notes from their 'rents.
"
"what a wonderful place it will be
(in the future when cloning is free)
when the world is filled newly
with copies (yours truly)!
but whom will i marry? not me!
"
"i regret that i told my girl june
that her face made me think of the moon:
""yeah, it's craterous, dear,
when your acne's severe.""
i'll be leaving the hospital soon.
"
"my poor belt is so tight on my girth
(i've been huge since the time of my birth)
that it leaves a deep mark?
a great cingulate arc?
the equator encircling my earth.
"
"for three weeks that old grudge she's been keeping.
when i call, all i get is some beeping.
busy signals, my ass!
she's been giving me sass,
and her curses ma bell has been bleeping!
"
"my old lady's caffeic addiction
has been causing some marital friction.
so much coffee she swills
that we can't pay the bills
or the rent (which explains our eviction).
"
"""we've accomplished our mission,"" he claimed,
but the war in iraq stays untamed.
long before this address,
bush's credibleness
disappeared. he remains unashamed.
"
"i beseeched the town's baker, fra hoaf,
for a calid crucigerous loaf.
when he looked at me blankly,
i said to him, frankly,
""it means hot cross bun, you big oaf!""
"
"i admit, i am nearly a sphere?
just my belt took the skin of one steer.
it's not only my girth
that resembles the earth:
i've australia tattooed on my rear.
"
"you would think that my butler would know
that the times should be ironed just so.
thus, today, i felt rankled?
my paper was crankled.
i'm considering letting him go.
"
"as kepler believed, it's a fact:
when spheres have been properly stacked,
they fill space in 3-d
with the least volume free.
that arrangement's denoted close-packed.
"
"at last i have batman subdued?
to the ceiling the bat dude is glued!
you're so tightly affixed,
even your bag of tricks
will not save you. let's face it, you're screwed!
"
"if your furnace is used to make brass,
you may notice the walls have gained mass.
this is cadmia, formed
when the zinc has been warmed
and sublimes from the ore as a gas.
"
"i can tell by the way that you stare
that you think a large country's in there.
it's just a small closet
where people deposit
their china and similar ware.
"
"he was thought the most punctual of men?
he would clock in at noon, out at ten.
ten hours he ""worked"",
but really, he shirked.
now he's seeking employment again.
"
"breaking ground for a new poultry pen,
robert's bobcat uncovered a den.
the den, since it stinks,
might belong to a lynx
(like that bobcat who ate his best hen).
"
"i heard pi went to see his clinician,
with the hope to assess his condition.
""am i normal?"" he cried.
but the doctor just sighed,
""what you need is a mathematician.""
"
"click and clack host a car-repair show
(which is which, will the world ever know?).
their advice, often funny,
might save you some money,
but leave you in need of a tow.
"
"the adman, condemned by his peers,
was sentenced to twenty-one years
(""for insipid campaigns
that you etched on our brains"")
of watching commercials for beers.
"
"corruptible? heavens, not me!
take your bribes and your gifts and just flee!
you insult me, you cur,
with that cash and this fur.
a million can't buy me, but three...
"
"when my son spends the summer at camp,
he grows long, matted hair like a tramp.
i try scissors?no go.
but it's cuttable, though?
my new hedge trimmer works like a champ!
"
"are your discourses tired and bland?
do you want to sound pompous and grand?
drop compendiate in
(""to collect"") and begin
using words that folks don't understand.
"
"activated alumina's made
by taking the hydrated grade
and heating it gently.
it's used, incidentally,
as a drying or filtering aid.
"
"i hate violence?i made it my mission:
make a g-rated cutdown edition
of saw, but my edits
left only the credits
and that old fbi admonition.
"
"watermelon can help you in bed?
it has citrulline, research has said.
so i ate some to test,
but my wife's not impressed:
""you should stick with viagra, instead!""
"
"the grass on my lawn isn't green,
and my neighbors all think it's obscene.
with no rain after may,
it turns brown just like hay,
and i leave it that way to be mean.
"
"my wife's cooking i no longer dread,
since my chemoreceptors are dead.
my poor taste buds and nose
many years ago chose
to shut down any time i was fed.
"
"charlie brown's not a blockhead! they call
him that name, though his head's like a ball.
their mean taunts are not fair?
it's not boxlike or square
(and he's really quite smart, all in all).
"
"the home equity loan from my bank
was like having a check that was blank.
now the credit line's closed
and i'm gonna get hosed,
since i spent it on booze, which i drank.
"
"he had thought, for his first-ever run,
that the black diamond slope would be fun.
so he crazily skied
at precipitous speed
and he missed all the trees, except one.
"
"if your blood type's ab, you're in luck.
you can use any blood that they suck
from those with type a,
b, or o any day.
it's not mine, though?look out for that truck!
"
"you may think you're a big fish 'round here.
it has certainly helped your career
staying here in this pond,
but try moving beyond,
and you'll end up on somebody's spear.
"
"said the chem prof, ""when working with lye,
wear your gloves, in case things go awry.""
""why didn't you tell me
before it befell me!""
tom caustically said in reply.
"
"the coyote seeks meat for his grill,
but the road runner's testing his will.
though explosives he'll buy
to blow birdie sky-high,
all he gets is a huge acme bill.
"
"doing backbreaking work is my plight,
since i work like a dog from first light.
but strangely, my wife,
whose life has no strife,
is always so tired: ""not tonight.""
"
"my hand was replaced with a crapple
(a claw), which i use when i grapple
a beer from the ice?
what a handy device!
but now all that is left is some snapple.
"
"the dumb bank robber, getting away,
took a peek in the bag?not okay.
since the dye pack had nailed him,
the cops quickly jailed him?
it blew up in his face, you might say.
"
"the butler, of mystery fame,
is often the suspect to blame.
though i trust my man, lee,
when he brings me my tea,
the dog tastes it first, just the same.
"
"that stick teacher holds so tenaciously
makes words on the blackboard cretaceously.
if i can't be that chalk,
then at least i can gawk
at her schoolmarmish visage salaciously.
"
"i love my new blower?it's cool,
and now it's my favorite tool!
i have stopped using rakes,
since the breeze this thing makes
blows my leaves in the neighbor's new pool.
"
"those french really have a strange way
of spelling the words that they say.
i haven't a clue
how to spell rondayvoo,
roo, ordurves, vinyet, tablow, or shay!
"
"like a noose, it constricted so tight!
for each breath it compelled me to fight.
as i felt my life ebb,
i asked my wife, deb,
""are you sure that you tied this tie right?""
"
"the coanda effect, when you pour
from a mug, makes a mess on the floor.
the drink tends to drip
'round the edge of the lip.
(if you knew that, you're nerdy hardcore!)
"
"as a model for artists i'm clothesless.
i am shirtless and pantless and hoseless.
of my body i'm proud
(though i'm not well endowed,
so i hope that their paintings expose less).
"
"i thought that the host should be told:
""did you know that this cheese has some mold?
as you see, there are lots
of these little blue spots.
and that soup with potatoes was cold.""
"
"the bandidos were getting quite bored?
so long they had looked for a ford.
a safe crossing they needed,
but were warning signs heeded?
?peligro?pira?a! ignored.
"
"as a beekeeper, humphrey's succumbing
to his beehives' perpetual humming.
the man's aggravation
with his bees' bombination
makes him think about taking up plumbing.
"
"uncle jeb was distilling some mash
when the boiler blew up with a flash.
his calcigerous zones
(his teeth and his bones)
were all we could find in the ash.
"
"when my wife wants a trip to the store,
i black out and collapse on the floor.
by the time i awaken,
she's already taken
my wallet and gone out the door.
"
"when you open your mouth, there's a sound,
but it's never remotely profound.
in fact, you're so boring,
all that keeps me from snoring
is your saying you'll buy the next round.
"
"just last night i was craving some meat,
so i thought i would go out to eat.
but the chophouse closed down,
so i wandered 'round town
and i grilled what i found in the street.
"
"this year's block party started at eight.
all the neighbors turned out for the fete.
we closed off the street
to dance and to eat.
(and to drink till we couldn't see straight!)
"
"my grasp of the guidelines is strong?
having pocketknives isn't so wrong.
i suppose, in this school,
that i'm bending the rule,
but my pocket, sir, is two feet long!
"
"said the judge, ""to your kids you've been cruel?
they sit hours each day on a stool,
stuck in rooms with their peers
for thirteen of their years.""
""but sir, i just send them to school!""
"
"every day i make sure to begin
with a breakfast of corn flakes and gin.
it may taste a bit weird,
but it helps keep my beard
a lot cleaner?no milk down my chin!
"
"my wife's mom is the queen of the nag.
she drops by just to carp?what a drag!
should a shred, in each reign,
of my manhood remain,
she takes home what is left in a bag.
"
"to begin with, when processing ore,
beneficiate (often a chore)
to remove extra stuff
like the sand, dirt, and duff,
so the ore is more pure than before.
"
"my old lady, last night, raised a din.
she said what i ate was a sin.
i dined on a salad?
even that wasn't valid!
so what if the dressing was gin?
"
"uncle sam's advertising campaign
was supposed to help smokers abstain.
the ads did help them quit?
the unfortunate bit
was it got them to take up cocaine.
"
"being gored by a bull is no fun?
his corniculate head you should shun.
if he pokes your behind,
you will painfully find
you have three holes where once there was one.
"
"in the old days, some coins that we spent
contained silver, some ninety percent.
since coins get abused,
this alloy was used,
because pure silver coins would get bent.
"
"from my armchair (with holders for beer),
i'm a quarterback (minus the gear).
i sit here all day
and call out each play,
but the teams on tv never hear.
"
"with the airsickness bag on my lap,
i had given up hope of a nap.
as the plane kept on shaking,
my stomach was quaking?
i'll be making a trip to the gap.
"
"to prevent any fluid from flowing
in directions it shouldn't be going,
put a check valve in line,
and all will be fine?
it could keep your reactor from blowing!
"
"there once was a man, name of patch,
who found leaking gas with a match.
when at last he came down
(all over the town!),
there wasn't much left we could catch.
"
"certain surfaces give you control
of your aircraft (for instance, to roll,
the wings' ailerons go
so one's high and one's low).
don't forget?lose control, dig a hole!
"
"my creativeness sometimes does wane,
making writing a strain on my brain.
when i lack ingenuity,
i try ambiguity?
then my writing seems deep and arcane.
"
"a cross-eyed old woman named rose
seems to stare at the end of her nose.
with this ocular trouble,
she always sees double,
so she calls her poor husband ""the joes.""
"
"i learned charm is a flavor of quark
(that last word, by the way, rhymes with pork).
i just read in an article
it's a physical particle,
so i guess i don't need this here fork.
"
"articulated? technically, yes.
it's a bit of a stretch, i confess.
she has joints (it's a joke?
they're the kind that you smoke),
and she keeps them well hid in her dress.
"
"since i'm blind, all my mates like to say
that my drink's but an armshot away.
they like watching me flail
as i grope for my ale?
it's a cruel little game that they play.
"
"an examiner came to our bank,
but our books he ignored; he's a crank!
liquid assets he sought
from the bottle he brought?
he just sat in the vault and he drank.
"
"that new foreman we got is a punk.
every day now i leave in a funk.
so when beer o'clock's near
(that means ""quittin' time"" here!),
i can't wait to go out and get drunk.
"
"a volvo, tests say, should be crashworthy.
it's built like a tank to be smashworthy.
but a car like my yugo
(which didn't when new go!)
i'd designate only as trashworthy.
"
"farmer bob, on his baler, did spy
a young lad get pulled in?did he die?
bob was happy to find
him alive but entwined?
he just followed the baleful boy's cry.
"
"when i'm scared, i go hide in my creephole
and look at the world through a peephole.
though i have to admit
that this place is a pit?
oh, why did i choose such a ***bleep*** hole?
"
"fleming's bond villains must apprehend
agent james, and his feminine ""friend.""
but bond always escapes
from all manner of scrapes?
if he didn't, the series would end!
"
"""since the cubes in my glass made a clink,
it is time to refill it, i think.
more liqueur, my good sir!""
tom did cordially slur,
""if you please, i would like one more drink.""
"
"i can tell what you're thinking?assart
should be something like donkey-made art.
but it's land that's been cleared
(trees removed and brush sheared)
so a crop's cultivation can start.
"
"commercialism's rampant these days
for just one simple reason?it pays.
but it's going too far
when the neighborhood bar
wants to sponsor my daughter's school plays!
"
"a crucible's sort of a pot,
although not one you'd bang as a tot.
it's a specialized kettle
(ceramic or metal)
and used when things really get hot.
"
"what are chalcogens? here is the poop
on the elements making this group:
from oxygen (top)
go down till you stop
at polonium?that's the whole scoop.
"
"tom's lincoln impression delighted
a schoolful of kids, all united
to hear the address:
a resounding success!
his oration tom ably recited.
"
"each rail of a railroad track lies
on wooden supports we call ties,
either railroad or cross:
these things are not dross?
they help keep the track's gauge the right size.
"
"said a phagocyte cell, ""i will eat
other cells in this body i meet
if they're dead or debris?
it's cytophagy, see?
and no pathogen's safe on my beat.""
"
"how did poison get into my tea?
my old butler explained, ""it's not me!
the culprit's the maid,
who hasn't been paid
since the summer of two thousand three.""
"
"the diplomat thought he would sail
right through customs, but landed in jail.
diplomatic immunity
won't buy him impunity?
smuggling drugs from nepal they curtail.
"
"i'm teaching my son how to fight?
he's bullied because of his height.
""rule 1: there's no rules.
rule 2: hit his jewels.
rule 3: if you have to, you bite.""
"
"conservationists laugh when they hear
that george bush has a pro-earth career,
since his record will show
he helps companies grow
while clean water and air disappear.
"
"in my bomb shelter under the floor,
i am safe from a nuclear war.
radiation and fallout?
thick walls keep it all out.
plus, my wife has no key to the door.
"
"i once knew a corpsman named sam,
who had served as a medic in 'nam.
any guy who got shot,
if he liked it or not,
would be given a rectal exam.
"
"if a region is resource deprived,
then a high-tech solution's contrived.
here's an old ideology:
we should use the technology
that's appropriate?resource derived.
"
"i set cruise control ""on"" in my van
and went into the back for a can.
the beer: i had popped it.
the curb: the van hopped it.
'round then my amnesia began?
"
"blazing chimneys are hot?that's no joke.
they are caused when the tars in the smoke
on cool flues can condense,
forming creosote; hence,
once a year, hire that chimney sweep bloke!
"
"there once was a woman so busty
that when she ate bread that was crusty,
the crumbs piled up
on each triple-d cup,
and her tabletop never got dusty.
"
"big tobacco was feeding us lies:
smoking's dangers they hoped to disguise.
though they knew, they kept mute,
fresh new dupes to recruit?
it's because a good customer dies.
"
"big and round, they provide a nice pad.
but if too big, then women get mad.
if your clunes i handle,
don't make a big scandal?
i'm a doctor, you see, not a cad.
"
"expecting your sidekick to come?
now, batman, you think me that dumb?
the boy wonder is banned!
in fact, he's been canned,
going over the falls in a drum.
"
"when i feel its rough skin brush my knee,
i run without stopping to see
if it's gator or caiman
or croc?i say, ""hey, man,
crocodilian's plenty for me!""
"
"a traveler on business attending
a trade show on merchandise vending
each night went out boozing.
his job he's now losing,
for expense-account overextending.
"
"if you're craving a bowlful of smacks,
hit the cereal bars by the tracks.
but, frankly, i jest?
they're just cereal pressed
into handy rectangular snacks.
"
"there once was a yogi named jane
who practiced tm, but in vain.
pi's digits she chanted
in hopes she'd be granted
the key to a new astral plane.
"
"thick walls and a big iron door
make a bank vault a good place to store
your money and rings
and valuable things?
or wait out a nuclear war.
"
"my conformance at work is required.
i must always be neatly attired
and obey every rule
(like a kid back in school!),
so i don't give a damn if i'm fired.
"
"in cooperstown, where there's a hall
for the legends who swatted the ball,
the name bonds you won't see?
not unless you go pee,
'cause i wrote this here poem in a stall!
"
"broken records are those that repeat
if a scratch and the stylus should meet.
the scratch makes it move
to a previous groove?
broken records are those that repeat?
"
"of course, cows' milk is just what you think?
it is milk from a cow that we drink.
it is not from a mare
or a goat or a bear,
and it's not from a yak (whose is pink).
"
"my son is a crackhead. i cry.
he spends all his money to buy
crack cocaine. it's his life.
lost his house. lost his wife.
and he couldn't care less, since he's high.
"
"i shoot craps (that's a game played with dice).
i gamble too much?that's my vice.
it has ruined my life
(lost my house and my wife),
but the yelling has stopped, which is nice.
"
"you may think that i'm nutty or cracked,
but i swear this is nothing but fact:
i have alien probes
in my temporal lobes
and my gastrointestinal tract.
"
"certain chemicals give what we eat
added pungency (what you call ""heat"").
but new cooks quickly learn
that these irritants burn
when they're used in amounts indiscreet.
"
"bed and breakfasts 'round here always fail
since at dusk every tourist will bail.
all these day-trippers leave
'cause our sheriff will heave
any stranger, at night, into jail.
"
"my wife wants our landscape un-bouldered,
so guess where that burden was shouldered?
i lifted one stone out;
my back was then thrown out?
a rocky two weeks while i smoldered.
"
"the black lead in your pencil is not
made of lead. do you lick yours a lot?
though it's graphite, you shouldn't.
and also, i wouldn't
encourage its use to pick snot.
"
"if you've done something wrong and you're nameable,
you should find someone quickly who's frameable:
plant the evidence right,
make your alibi tight,
and accuse the poor patsy who's blameable.
"
"it's bizarre politicians still dare
to engage in a ""secret"" affair
that would risk their career,
and the life they hold dear,
when the world knows what undies they wear!
"
"my mechanic approached with a frown:
""though your pistons still go up and down,
and your engine is churning,
the wheels are not turning?
your crankshaft fell out back in town.""
"
"you should really wear gloves on your hands
while you're batting; there're lots of good brands.
let me give you a tip:
they will help with your grip?
that's the fifth bat you've thrown in the stands.
"
"car talk's tom had a thing for his dart
(like a car made by dodge is fine art!).
though it never was splendid,
a snowplow rear-ended
the car, and it broke the man's heart.
"
"i heard that emile owed a mil
to the mob and they sent him a bill.
borrowed time he was on
till he paid back the don?
his poor widow's now reading his will.
"
"whenever my son's with a date,
i stay on their tail (which they hate!).
they think that i'm vile,
since i'm cramping their style,
but not once have they stayed out too late.
"
"if whacking a rival's your thing,
to dispose of the body, you bring
some cement on a boat
to make shoes that don't float:
problem solved (badda boom, badda bing).
"
"5 am is a time that i dread?
my fat cat always jumps on the bed.
he'll start off with just poking
but move on to choking:
he'll lie on my neck till he's fed.
"
"went ballistic, got pissed, had a cow
and some kittens?i flipped out, and how!
blew a gasket and fuse
and, boy, did i lose
my temper. (i'm angry right now!!!)
"
"cenesthesia's the feeling you're real,
from sensations your body can feel.
you know you exist
by the pulse in your wrist
and that fullness from eating a meal.
"
"there's this rabid old bigot who chants
vile antihomosexual rants.
he set out to upbraid
the town's gay pride parade?
betrayed by the bulge in his pants.
"
"to an arch of this roof i am stuck.
it is formed from bent trees?it's a cruck.
let me twist, take a peek?
is it made of fresh teak?
if my hunch is correct, i'm in luck.
"
"in the spring of my yale junior year,
the first secret society here
(skull and bones) wanted...me!
i'm a bonesman (tee-hee)?
now we meet in our tomb and drink beer.
"
"as a fat tv comic, it's key
to get crapulence down to a tee:
drink booze when you're thirsting
and eat till you're bursting?
you'll live to a ripe thirty-three.
"
"our ball club's so bad it's astounding.
with hits, our poor team takes a pounding.
each game is a rout
since we always strike out?
we have not won a game since our founding.
"
"you will see birefringence when rays,
which are polarized each of two ways,
diverge going through
a crystal, so you
see the image as two as you gaze.
"
"every winter, i go with my bro
with our bowsaws out into the snow.
but they're not used to hunt?
we cut wood. to be blunt,
skinflint dad keeps the heat really low!
"
"i have cyclical moods every day
which affect this dilemma i weigh:
do a job that's a bore
at the bicycle store,
or pretend that i'm sick (without pay)?
"
"if you try to explain god's creation,
such as earth's very recent formation,
with the language of science,
you'll still need reliance
on untestable means of causation.
"
"if you've worm-like red tracks in your skin,
maybe creeping eruption's set in.
parasitic formations
cause itchy sensations?
oral remedies help?i'd try gin.
"
"she set up a lemonade stand:
it's the way alexandra scott planned
to help find an answer
for children with cancer?
that four-year-old's vision was grand.
"
"my crescence (increasing dimension)
began to attract some attention.
my gluttonous take-ery
(i worked at a bakery)
predictably led to suspension.
"
"construction (thick) paper is fine
when you're making a colorful sign.
so i put on mom's rear
one suggesting ""kick here""?
i have trouble now sitting on mine.
"
"the condemned man, when sentenced to life
for stabbing some guy with a knife,
didn't argue or curse:
""after all, could be worse?
i could spend all that time with my wife.""
"
"""i'm so sorry?i needed to climb
up this ladder. is that a big crime?
well, i do beg your pardon""
(she was nude in her garden),
""but the view from up here is sublime!""
"
"my new metal's resistance below
a high critical temperature (whoa!)
was exactly now zero,
which makes me a hero?
""it's superconducting!"" i crow.
"
"whenever my relatives come,
i bake a big cake filled with rum.
though they always complain,
it at least kills the pain,
so i fight them for every last crumb.
"
"""that new crash box you got is ideal?
the smashing effect sounds so real,""
the new stagehand remarked.
but the manager barked,
""that's my grandmother's china, shlemiel!""
"
"although people might call me a jerk
since i drive a big hummer, i smirk.
but now filling its tank
is nigh breaking the bank,
so my wife began walking to work.
"
"through the curtainless windows i stare,
on a ladder way up in the air.
a voyeur i am not,
but that babe sure is hot.
(i was washing the windows, i swear!)
"
"i'm a hermit and like solitariness,
but people don't bring on my chariness.
i'm cautious because
i'm avoiding the jaws
of the bears around here?thus the wariness.
"
"bruce banner was blasted by rays,
so now when his anger's ablaze,
he increases in bulk,
turning into the hulk?
a green monster whom nothing can faze.
"
"i collect action figures?so what?
i've got anakin, jabba the hut,
han solo, darth vader
and leia (won't trade her?
the one that's dressed up like a slut!).
"
"dull black coltan's a valuable ore,
rich in tantalum?smugglers can score.
check the source if you buy
so more people don't die
in the congo; it's fueling a war.
"
"i removed the superfluous cruft
from the software, with which it was stuffed.
but bill gates said, ""you swine!
here we charge by the line""?
so my fixes were gruffly rebuffed.
"
"a coal seam's a stratum that's mined
with machines that first cut and then grind
up the layer of coal
to convey out the hole
and burn up for the good of mankind.
"
"at assemblies, our principal wang
always gives such a boring harangue.
but today it was culminated
when a cherry bomb fulminated,
thus ending his talk with a bang!
"
"i can tell from this gemstone's bright hue
(those of you who can't see it, it's blue)
and its column-like habit
when broken?dagnabbit!?
it's kyanite. (now i have two.)
"
"so why have i stopped seeing fred?
have you noticed those scars on his head?
all those craniofacial
wounds stem from a racial
expression. believe me, he bled!
"
"as soon as she said ""does this skirt?""
some insanity led me to blurt
with no thought: ""?make you fat?
no, i think it was that
second pie that you had for dessert!""
"
"as soon as our marriage had flopped,
the vindictive old battle-ax chopped
from her life any traces
of me, like the faces
from photos she ruthlessly cropped!
"
"the cavalryman said to custer:
""with all of the speed we can muster,
let's flee on our horses?
those indian forces
are greater than just a mere cluster.""
"
"the batting cage has a machine,
pitching balls that i hit at a screen.
but its aim was so bad,
here's the thought that i had:
did the batting coach set it on ""bean""?
"
"dot dot dash  ? ? ? dit dit dah:
can i signal that chick in the spa?
though she won't know the morse,
just the rhythm may force
her to take off her panties and bra.
"
"since i bought over half of their shares,
i can basically run their affairs:
controlling interest?what fun!
the firm's made their last gun;
now their target's to make teddy bears.
"
"i prefer that no worms eat my face,
nor my ash be displayed in a vase,
so ensure that my casket
(with a silicone gasket)
is a stainless-steel burial case.
"
"i rescued a damsel, distressed,
but then found that i'm under arrest.
though i saved her from dragons
and runaway wagons,
she claims that i fondled her breast.
"
"these pirates must like a good prank.
they say that by walking the plank
i'll see davy jones's locker.
i think we played soccer?
his sweat socks sure made it smell rank!
"
"to keep all the fish you caught fresh,
let them swim in a cage made of mesh.
place this basket (or corf)
in the sea by the wharf
and you won't have to smell rotting flesh.
"
"after robbing a bank, tom had failed
to look both ways for cars, and was nailed.
with his bones disarrayed,
he was crookedly laid
in a casket and thus wasn't jailed.
"
"i thought i would help my wife, janet,
by chopping up produce to can it.
she freaked, screaming, ""jeez!
use a cutting board, please!
now you've dulled my best knife on the granite!""
"
"a daiquiri sure hits the spot
after long sultry days on my yacht.
but whom am i fooling?
i don't drink them for cooling?
they just help my old lady look hot.
"
"a crown ether's a wonderful thing:
c-o-c bonds can make up a ring.
since the o's are inside,
their electrons provide
a site to which alkalis cling.
"
"my lab partner's hot (a brunette)!
she told me to fill each cuvette.
they are little glass vials
for spectrometer trials.
if she said something else, i forget.
"
"when i got to my meeting at ten,
i discovered it didn't start then.
i was one hour late
(made the clients all wait)?
daylight savings time strikes yet again!
"
"when i'm eighty and starting to flag,
don't throw parties for me (even stag).
don't hire dancing girls frisky;
skip the presents and whiskey?
i've just one wish: outlive the old nag.
"
"i'm a con man, you fool?you can't beat me
at my own game: you never could cheat me.
in fact, i'm the king
of the art of the sting,
and i doubt that you'll ever unseat me.
"
"the statue of liberty, queen
of new york, had a coppery sheen.
but her cupreous glow
that put on such a show
quickly weathered to shades of pale green.
"
"cold-short iron is not, as a rule,
to be used as a part of a tool.
although workable hot,
when it's cold, it is not:
such metal is brittle when cool.
"
"the poor victims have little defense
against crocs with their bite force immense?
it is more than a ton!
come across one? then run,
or we'll speak of you using past tense.
"
"there once was a woman whose chest
was so huge her brassieres (if you're pressed)
could function as pup tents
(or would they be cup tents?),
with each sleeping four men abreast!
"
"the cyanocobalamin's stable
in the cereal box on your table.
it's a form of b12,
which you'd know if you delve
in the vitamin list on the label.
"
"""this analysis (chemical), lee?
it is proof you've been spiking my tea
with an arsenic salt.""
""but it isn't my fault?
the label said 'vitamin c'!""
"
"i love pigeons, believe me, i do.
and i feed them each day at the zoo.
when they see me, they fly
to their columbary. why?
when i'm hungry, i eat one or two!
"
"your blood (and the platelets it's got),
when it's donated, helps out a lot
with coagulative ills
of a nature that kills
when a patient has blood that won't clot.
"
"the dentist had meant to benumb
my whole mouth 'fore he worked on my gum
so i wouldn't feel pain.
he forgot, yet again,
so i bit really hard on his thumb.
"
"cuboidal means something is cubelike
and not, for example, more tubelike.
it doesn't mean round,
nor shaped like a mound
(which to my dirty mind would be ""boob-like"").
"
"we are led to believe that clean coal
should be sought as a practical goal:
to store carbon dioxide
deep under the dockside
or pumped very deep down a hole.
"
"my wife keeps on overextending
our budget; her shopping's unending.
so i've taken this tack:
with a hunch in my back,
i moan, ""bills, oh, the bills!"" she keeps spending.
"
"poor tom was about to be fed
to the lions, and soon he'd be dead.
his attackers he faced:
""i am sure i will taste
really awful!"" he bitterly said.
"
"""if your plant's using plants to supplant
a synthetic reagent, i'll grant
that it's chemurgy, man,
like that corn-to-fuel plan?""
[we've omitted his two-hour rant.]
"
"call your congressmen?tell them to show
up for work now and then, and not go
on their trips to get checks
so to finance their next
re-election campaign with our dough!
"
"the boxing match filled me with dread,
as the champion pounded the head
of his staggering foe,
so that each raining blow
left the man that much closer to dead.
"
"he looks in his textbook and finds
that to chemisorb means something binds
in a chemical way
to a surface, to stay.
""that's cheating!"" the proctor reminds.
"
"the theft of the bullion's so old,
i had feared that the case had gone cold.
but this tip-off, i'm hopin',
will blow it wide open?
the wheels on his car are pure gold.
"
"this mineral you've got on the table
(cristobalite's what's on the label)
is formed when some quartz
a volcano distorts:
the high-temperature form's metastable.
"
"the crash that he heard was his dad.
""you are grounded tonight""?dad was mad!
""i'm so sorry you slipped
on the toothpaste i dripped,""
tom said, crestfallen, downcast, and sad.
"
"agglomerative: snow that's just right
to make snowballs to fling in a fight;
or a penchant to cluster,
like moths to the luster
of streetlamps that light up the night.
"
"the makers of reese's have hatched
comportations of flavors unmatched:
peanut butter adorned
with milk chocolate. be warned:
mess with mine, and you're quickly dispatched.
"
"i played hooky one time from my work
and was caught by my boss (who's a jerk).
""yes, i went to a day game?
the yankees' away game?
like you did,"" i said with a smirk.
"
"when your kids are rambunctious and screamy,
feed them thick peanut butter so creamy.
a conglutinant food,
it will keep their jaws glued
while you soak in a bath hot and steamy.
"
"a belt sander's great: it abrades
with a loop of strong paper with grades
of abrasives from fine
up to coarse. i love mine,
since they don't give us tools that have blades.
"
"my wife has this cyclical mood,
and i think it is triggered by food:
when each night during dinner
i note she's no thinner,
she throws things and says something rude.
"
"while spitting the last of my chaw,
i tuned up my old crosscut saw.
it can cut, in the main,
transverse to the grain,
and play tunes like i heard on hee haw.
"
"why build houses with concrete and steel
when just straw and wet clay have appeal?
form this mud into cobs
(like small loaves made by slobs),
mush them on?cobwork walls are ideal!
"
"though my mom stayed at home in the summer,
she sent me to day camp?a bummer!
while crafts i was making,
her pipes got a snaking
each day by the neighborhood plumber.
"
"though my family all think that i'm daft,
i still tailgate a truck in its draft
as it saves me some gas.
there's a drawback, alas?
if he stops, i will drive up his aft.
"
"at the end of my school's graduation
(with the grandiose name convocation),
the pothead awoke
and yelled, ""time for a toke!""
and we gave him a standing ovation.
"
"you have lived your whole life sin-deprived,
and the great day of judgment's arrived:
though your name made god's list,
you can't help being pissed:
jimmy swaggart and jesus high-fived.
"
"you might ask why i'm here in this chair
sixteen thousand feet up in the air,
which is tied to balloons
like you see in cartoons:
i can never say no to a dare!
"
"hobo bob was not one to conform,
so a coal car he used as his dorm.
but one day they dumped coal
in that car?the poor soul!
(though he did want to go someplace warm?)
"
"davy crockett's that famed pioneer,
""frontier king,"" tennessee volunteer,
and an indian scout,
but the alamo rout
made him legend and myth without peer.
"
"i manage my children's saved money
(gifts from santa, their aunts, easter bunny):
a custodial account
that continues to mount?
till i go on a trip someplace sunny.
"
"calcium fluoride's a mineral ore
of great interest to dupont and gore,
not to mention the chef?
it's the source of the f
which makes teflon and gore-tex and more.
"
"i daringly chose to torment
the circus's bears in their tent.
i had thought they were chained,
or, at least, were well trained?
what's left of my arm? ten percent.
"
"playing russian roulette when you're bored,
using rockets to soup up your ford,
or annoying a moose
so you can't reproduce
could well win you a darwin award.
"
"our command module held top position
when the moon rocket launched (""we've ignition!"").
a round-trip we flew
(the apollo 10 crew),
till the splashdown: the end of our mission.
"
"the kids on my block always played like
we were soldiers, pretending that bladelike
old sticks were our swords,
and we'd swipe our moms' gourds,
which we threw at each other grenade-like.
"
"the driller splashed oil onto tom,
but he tried very hard to stay calm.
when the roughnecks laughed rudely,
tom scolded them crudely,
with words which are banned by your mom.
"
"when you're dining with president bush,
there are boundaries you just shouldn't push.
your rude crassitude, jack,
means we're not coming back?
you don't jeer at the first lady's tush!
"
"the cyclist had hopes he could nail her,
and started, at length, to regale her
with boasts of his skills
racing bikes over hills?
in the end, all that did was derail her.
"
"ddt was a chemical sprayed
onto crops in the fifties. it stayed
in the water and soil,
turning eggshells to foil,
until banned after carson's crusade.
"
"the tree called daroo bears a fruit
that is edible, fig-like, and cute.
heart-shaped leaves on each twig
of the sycamore fig
make this useful tree also a beaut.
"
"i hear bitrex will make things taste bitter.
i can't think of a use any fitter,
than to put a big dollop
(which will pack quite a wallop!)
in the tea of my bossy new sitter.
"
"if you're thinking of selling your house,
check for liens by a vengeful ex-spouse.
you should know that it's vital
to get a clear title
so nothing will go to that louse.
"
"over millions of years, science shows
complex molecules could self-compose.
though to some it's polemical,
most believe that by chemical
evolution life's compounds arose.
"
"it was winds-day, as gopher surmised,
and thus winnie the pooh's not surprised
that a blustery squall
made poor owl's treehouse fall.
""just take piglet's house,"" eeyore advised.
"
"so i said to my cullies, ""hey, mates,
it is saturday night?we need dates!""
but we're star trek collectors
with pocket protectors?
i'd say we're in desperate straits.
"
"chalcogenides make up the class
(which includes sulfide ores that make brass)
of most compounds with s
and with se (oh, yes,
and with te). they make amber glass.
"
"the original post-office spam
is the bulk mail the mailman will jam
in your mailbox each fall,
so you'll send uncle paul
a big hickory farms christmas ham.
"
"coexecutrix lil thought that jill
should have nothing to do with the will.
so they set in to fighting
(with lawyers, not biting)?
in the end, all each got was a bill.
"
"she's so clumsy and careless; my wife
can't make dinner to save her own life.
the poor woman's a botcher?
for her safety, i watch her
every time that she picks up a knife.
"
"a cheesemaker known for her comeliness
makes a roquefort renowned for its crumbliness:
like my heart, eas'ly breakable,
with a hue unmistakable.
both are blue, i lamented with glumliness.
"
"good experiments need a control,
because meaningful data's the goal.
please make sure to arrange
for one test with no change,
so you'll know if your change played a role.
"
"pure iron's magnetic, but not
when its temperature really gets hot.
if you choose to transcend
iron's curie point, friend,
then its spins won't align a whole lot.
"
"this limerick's truly a crime.
if you read it, you're wasting your time.
you would think that this verse
couldn't get any worse,
but the last word's just there for the rhyme!
"
"the cyanide process is for
the extraction of gold from an ore
whereby gold is dissolved,
but the cleanup's involved
(which unscrupulous miners ignore).
"
"i went to the ball field today
with my mitt and my baseball to play,
but the trip was a waste?
the field was debased
and the grass, left uncut, was now hay.
"
"a farmer should rotate his crops?
but that doesn't mean spin them like tops!
if you always put corn out,
the topsoil gets worn out,
so next year, for beer, plant some hops.
"
"doctor banner, i must diagnose
that you recently got much too close
to a nuclear blast,
and thus have amassed
a hulkingly large absorbed dose.
"
"there are things in the room going bump,
and my heart in my chest starts to thump.
hiding under the sheet,
i can hear those things eat
all my big brother's bones with each crump.
"
"epithelial cells that are dead
can be put to good use as they're shed
and then cornify (viz.,
they get hard); that's how liz
can grow long, silky hair on her head.
"
"if your industry's known to pollute,
and you can't, with mere facts, this dispute,
you should paint yourself green,
saying coal can be clean,
and make sure that your spokeswoman's cute.
"
"a carpenter left his best chisel
outside when it started to drizzle.
his shiny new bruzz
grew a rusty red fuzz,
and for days he did nothing but grizzle.
"
"i just wanted to open my wine
to have some to drink while i dine.
so i ask the clerk, please,
for a bottle screw. jeez!
she starts screaming and calls me a swine!
"
"to make thousands of samples a day,
combinatorial chemistry may
be a fast way to find
a new drug for mankind
in a robot's synthetic array.
"
"in the far distant future, not soon
(and i know it is just a cartoon),
futurama hatched doop,
a u.n. kind of group,
but with planets and maybe a moon.
"
"the combustion of coal creates ash
which the power plants then have to stash.
some is used in the mix
to make concrete and bricks,
but a lot of it goes in the trash.
"
"the congressional medal of honor
(such as given to peter s. connor)
is a medal they save
for the bravest of brave:
those that earn it are often a goner.
"
"paparazzi will pester the fameworthy:
intrusive photography's shameworthy,
and one cannot deny
that for poor princess di,
in her death, they were certainly blameworthy.
"
"my big brother and i used to clash.
when he died, our mom wanted to stash
his remains in a grave,
but i cremated dave,
and that means i can still kick his ash.
"
"a particle faster than light
creates radiation in flight
when it passes through matter
(like griddlecake batter).
cerenkov's nobel this did cite.
"
"you backstabbing, cowardly cad!
count me in as the first who'll be glad
when your currish deceptions
bring heated receptions?
you'll get a good spanking from dad!
"
"corn speedwell's a legend, indeed,
and that farm boy's blue car's in the lead!
but really, i'm jiving?
he's doing no driving:
he's a blue-flowered annual weed.
"
"the lord of the manor, depraved,
was most lustful and badly behaved.
he would grab peasant lasses
for rolls in the grasses:
serf and turf was the dish that he craved.
"
"the thrash band destruction?they filled
my theater, and boy, how they killed!
of shredding renown,
they brought the house down
(and i don't mean i'll have to rebuild).
"
"though a tent of a garment concealed
his great fatness, his face it revealed:
crebrisulcate, his chin
with its much-furrowed skin
had the look of a newly plowed field.
"
"if you're building cob homes out of clay
and some straw, it is best that you pray
that good weather's expected
till the roof is erected,
lest the rain wash your work clean away.
"
"a dagwood's a sandwich so big,
if you eat one yourself, you're a pig.
but a comic-strip man,
such as bumstead, say, can
push them in and stay thin as a twig.
"
"the blood pooled on the floor as she bled;
before long, his wife ruth was quite dead.
""i am finally free
of her pestering me?
she is gone now,"" tom ruthlessly said.
"
"china clay is a mineral ore,
and i've told you too often before?
it affects our dynamics,
as it's used in ceramics?
don't throw dishes at me anymore!
"
"that red line on the front of the court
is the cutline?your serve came up short.
it's just squash; don't get nervous?
make sure that your service
is in bounds (not at me or athwart!).
"
"my wife keeps our house clean and bright?
if you call it axenic, you're right.
there is nary a germ,
and it's true, i confirm,
that we eat off the floor every night.
"
"i love my old house and its creakiness.
the floors have a wonderful squeakiness.
but my kids, they all hate
that they can't come in late,
since their tread gives away any sneakiness.
"
"it was once widely used; now a bane,
chloromethane's not good for your brain.
so it's no longer sold
to help keep your fridge cold,
but industrial uses remain.
"
"processed milk's a colloidal dispersion,
with its fat-globs-in-water immersion.
the globs' tiny size
means they don't tend to rise?
they'd form cream if they made that excursion.
"
"adventure travel is not for the meek
or for someone with my poor physique.
first i kayaked, rappelled,
and spelunked (how i smelled!),
then i stayed in my bed for a week.
"
"i asked my lab partner, the foxy
elizabeth, what is carboxy-
methylation. the scoop:
it is adding the group
methyl-c-o-o-h, not epoxy.
"
"my husband is mad (raving, stark),
since he thinks he's a dog, and will bark
at a cat in a tree.
it's cynanthropy, see,
so i take him for walks when it's dark.
"
"cathodic's a slippery term,
and its meaning just isn't too firm.
it refers to the site
whence the current takes flight?
even experts, when pressed, will still squirm.
"
"you'll be sketching this model: yvette.
it's just a rough draft, so don't fret.
it's called a croquis,
but no matter how wee,
a small one is not a croquette.
"
"all the men in my life?each a miner?
pull coal from the ground?not one whiner.
but when church bells start ringing,
we cokers start clinging,
awaiting bad news at the diner.
"
"i remember my mom's warning word:
it was dangerful (not one you've heard)?
though to her, ""full of danger""
meant a chat with a stranger,
or that bb i shot at a bird.
"
"i tried telling that tsa tool,
""it's a bomb calorimeter."" fool!
it just measures complete
oxidation's freed heat.
""you have taken me where? istanbul?!""
"
"a coal shovel's handy when fillin'
the stocking of each little villain.
if they've really been bad,
one more thing i will add:
a lousy cd from bob dylan.
"
"while sipping pollino real slow,
i dream of where i'd like to go.
i'm calabria bound,
that peninsular ground;
on italy's boot, it's the toe.
"
"the centaury has flowers of pink
you should dry and then brew as a drink.
chiron, centaur of lore,
recommended it for
indigestion and fevers, i think.
"
"a blow is defined as a smack?
a sharp forceful stroke, like a whack.
use a belt, fist, or rock,
but don't try and feign shock
when the person you strike hits you back.
"
"colonel angus has gained much renown
as the most cunning linguist in town.
he won't boast, bray or brag,
but his tongue sure can wag;
knows his subjects in, out, up and down!
"
"accusatival does rightly pertain
to the accusative case; so it's plain,
it deals more with the grammar
than, ""you stole that hammer!""
(direct object of verb, noun again).
"
"it's the line that curves under the cees
writing french and perhaps portuguese.
a cedilla says, yes,
pronounce ""c"" like an ""s"",
like the ""c"" in fa?ade if you please.
"
"if you're captious you think that it's neat
to find fault with each person you meet.
in all you survey,
nothing measures up ? nay!
just to please you would be quite a feat.
"
"yassor noe was so filled with caprice
he moved eighty-nine times with denise.
he loved this house, then not,
changed his mind on the spot;
fancy that! ? now they're living in greece.
"
"in the calaboose, life can be hard.
the most dangerous place is the yard.
all around convicts mill,
as some plot their next kill?
flip a coin for a con or a guard.
"
"a cranky old convict named deuce
spent ten years in a rundown caboose.
(that's a slang word for jail,
not what's at a train's tail.)
ten more years and they may let him loose.
"
"if someone jumps out and shouts ""boo!"",
crinogenic responses are due:
epinephrine's released,
which brings out your beast,
and you beat the poor guy black and blue.
"
"some radionuclides decay,
as does strontium-90, this way:
a neutron converts
to a proton and squirts
out a beta (electron-type) ray.
"
"a new author burst forth on the scene,
and what's more, he was barely eighteen.
he came out of the blue
with a voice fresh and new?
very soon, he was rolling in green?
"
"the universe? closed. go away!
if you have any sense, you won't stay.
(an astronomer's joke!)
it means gravity's yoke
thus will cause its implosion some day.
"
"if you plan to hitch rides on a train,
it's the boxcars you want?i'll explain:
like a box, they're enclosed,
but with coal cars, you're hosed?
not just filthy, but wet in the rain.
"
"when i wired my house i took care;
used coaxial cable, not bare.
the grounded sheath saves
it from alien waves,
like the tin-foil-lined hat that i wear.
"
"we are battening down all the hatches:
doors and shutters we seal with strong latches
since a hurricane comes.
with the way that rain drums,
i can't hear my wife's cats' frantic scratches.
"
"at technology's forefront, that's me.
i work now on what futurists see.
it's the bleeding edge?why,
today's pie in the sky
in ten years just might be the next wii.
"
"""who's up for charades or i spy?""
(my party was starting to die.)
""i could twist some balloons""?
""you should crank up the tunes!""
so i turned up the volume real high?
"
"my doctor has no social skills;
he's so clinically cold, it just chills!
""you've got one week to live.
cash up front you must give?
plus it saves us on stamps for the bills.""
"
"it's a value, a cast, or a hue?
maybe green, lilac, umber or blue.
sometimes rich, sometimes pale,
it's the gray in a whale
or the brown of the mud on my shoe.
"
"i simply could never abide?
to abide? in the place i abide?.
so, i've left my abode
and set off on the road.
if you see me, please give me a ride.
"
"i don't know, so i'll have to confer
with my husband, the man i call ""sir"".
i'll consult, we'll discuss,
then with little more fuss
i'll be able, or not, to concur.
"
"""i'm just after a visit you see,
and back in an hour i'll be.""
but she never came back
for there's just too much craic
in the bright timeless land of the s?dhe.
"
"there once was a man, name of tolkien,
of whom much is written and spolkien.
i just read his book,
'bout the ring bilbo took?
favorite part's when the fellowship's brolkien.
"
"this internal secretion depresses
activity levels and stresses.
just compare chalone to
any hormone and you
can say what this word means, with no guesses.
"
"when i meet a new woman i say,
right upfront, ""getting married? no way!""
i let each of them know
i will not be her beau
as i accent the fact that i'm gay.
"
"the crazy old man chased his daughter
and (sorry to say this) he caught her.
he laughed as he slayed
with his big bowie blade?
guess it's true that there's laughter in slaughter.
"
"i was there with the babe in the manger,
and you'll find me with every stranger;
i'm filled up with anger,
and hung on a hanger;
never scared, though i'm always in danger.
"
"though my husband is rich, he's so cheap!
he's so chinchy with money, i weep.
try to get him to spend
and he simply won't bend?
arms too short? or his pockets too deep?
"
"plan was good, but i couldn't quite pitch it.
said my boss, ""that's a great carriwitchet!
it's a damned funny joke!""
so i tried not to choke,
and replied, ""never mind, i'll just ditch it.""
"
"my niece called the cops on that man
and told them his chevy was tan.
two days later they caught him;
pedophilia's bought him
a twenty-year stint in the can.
"
"this acid's not hard to define:
it's c16h18o9.
it helps plants to break down,
and it makes fruit turn brown
when you've cut it and then wait to dine.
"
"it's your bathtime, my sweet bernadette.
so let's fill up our new bathinette.
that's the portable tub
where you rub-a-dub-dub.
then it's bedtime?the first break i'll get!
"
"it's allergy season again
and carrot weed (bane of all men)
is making us sneeze.
but it must please the bees,
'cause the pollen count's five thousand ten!
"
"""let's adopt a new kid,"" the star said.
""yeah, a girl with hair curly and red.
no one's got one of those;
she'll go great with my clothes?
just make sure that she's not underfed.""
"
"if you're azoospermic (without
any spermatozoa), no doubt,
folks will say you shoot blanks,
but your wife will give thanks?
she's already pushed six puppies out.
"
"as a youth, no one's future was brighter.
now joe's shiftless; some call him a blighter.
he's a pest and a cad.
there's no good with the bad?
well, in bar brawls he's sure a fine fighter!
"
"while in england i heard of a boss
who's addicted to sweet candy floss.
if his staff don't keep handy
this spun sugar candy,
in dustbins their jobs they can toss.
"
"in barracks of guys strong and hardy,
rubbing soldiers with oil?? if he's smart he
will forget this idea
and turn quickly and flee?ahh,
he's in for a sure blanket party.
"
"that boy in the kitchen's named paco,
but we workers all call him cheechako.
that's ""greenhorn"" or ""new guy""
(he spilled all the shoo fly).
just watch him try making a taco!
"
"old man michael fell into the well.
incorporeal mike's feeling swell.
he's been dead for two weeks,
and his corpse surely reeks,
but asomatous ghosts never smell.
"
"ancient greeks, from the lowest to titan,
every man, woman, child wore a chiton.
that's a long flowing gown
(bet their guards wore a frown,
'cause a dress would be tricky to fight in).
"
"in bombay there's a man with a swagger,
whose weapon of choice is a dagger.
his single-edged choora
will quickly slice through ya;
at this point you're robbed while you stagger.
"
"you busted your bottle of bud
on my brow with a crack and a thud.
so i thought, ""what a waste!""
since it ruins the taste
when a beer gets polluted with blood.
"
"it's spring, and the garden chores beckon.
time for planting my herbs now, i reckon.
got my seeds and my hoe ?
what?! it's starting to snow??
it is april 10th? yeah? just checkin'...
"
"i love you and think it's a cert
that you love me and i won't get hurt.
it's a pretty safe bet;
you're the best boy i've met?
and that's something! ('cause i'm a huge flirt!)
"
"so caught up in his cheeseparing ways,
will's a miser?the guy never pays!
if you hand him the bill,
he turns violently ill.
parsimonious me! (his catchphrase.)
"
"wouldja look at them hooters, oh man...
that gal's stacked! i'd sure like to...hey! fran!
there's no need to get testy.
i just said she's chesty?
now, put down that there fryin' pan.
"
"antabuse is not hurting an ant.
it's a drug that you take when you can't
stop your drinking of booze.
if you drink while you use,
you'll be sick as a dog; this i grant.
"
"jake got caught with those hubcaps he steals.
now he sits in jail cooling his heels?
not the best of careers.
he'll serve one to two years,
'less his lawyer can file some appeals.
"
"last week he could not land a pass,
but today bob is cooking with gas.
in this game he has shown
he can catch what is thrown.
his returns??nothing short of first class.
"
"o'malley, the cop, likes a meal
he can eat while he's steering a wheel;
and with bad guys to rout,
he has never copped out?
but his wife says he has copped a feel.
"
"i have copped a feel on a cop
name of mike, and i don't have to stop.
always liked boys in blue,
so i married him too.
he's so cute that my friends' jaws just drop.
"
"an auklet's not just a small auk;
there are six kinds, all different. (don't gawk.)
from the least to the crested
they're very well nested,
and the parakeet auklet's all talk.
"
"though the cliff rose straight up with no twist,
our brave alpinist couldn't resist.
(mountain climber to you,
he's a ladies' man too.
skirts to peaks, he'll be found in their midst.)
"
"catch a cold, catch a thief, catch a show,
catch yourself 'fore you tell what you know?
catch my drift? do you ken?
catch a whiff?sniff again.
catch a ball (if it's thrown really slow).
"
"they've been conquered and brought to their knees.
our side won?now their lands we will seize.
they're crushed and defeated;
the troops have retreated.
(but our conscience we'll have to appease.)
"
"i told freddy and johnny to cool it!
stop shouting, relax, this is school. it
is not worth the drama;
save that for your mama.
fight's ending?more words will just fuel it.
"
"he made sure that the straps buckled tight,
flipped the switch, then went out for the night.
shelly thrashed and she screamed,
finally fell asleep; dreamed
of arriving with men dressed in white.
"
"it's an herb that's akin to a carrot.
though i like its taste, you can't bear it.
i say celery's best
with a dip; you protest
that it's food only fit for a ferret.
"
"i once knew a man whose caresses
could charm all the girls from their dresses.
they'd start with them on,
but they'd quickly be gone ?
how i envied that man his successes.
"
"if you're feeling all lovely and glorious,
stay away from those people censorious.
as your flaws they point out,
you'll be filled with self-doubt,
and regaining your groove is laborious.
"
"lucien vidie would be overjoyed
to know aneroid's often employed.
(don't think of thermometers;
think drier?barometers!)
it names objects where liquid is void.
"
"abracadabra's a phrase
of magicians, although in past days
it was thought to aid healing
when worn while ill feeling.
the necklace would cure your malaise.
"
"the cedar has red-colored wood;
it's fragrant and smells rather good.
deterring the moths
from my very fine cloths,
my cedar chest does what it should.
"
"cacophonous sounds jar the ear;
they're not pleasant for people to hear.
mix teenagers' yells,
clanging pots, ringing bells?
cacophony? well, pretty near!
"
"in the mountains of thessaly fair,
a man fell in love with a mare.
when this odd couple mated,
centaurs were created.
the mythmakers took it from there.
"
"there were pillows from floor up to ceiling.
she dove in and her senses were reeling.
it is true she was married,
but the torch was still carried,
for his wit was just too damn appealing.
"
"the fire 'neath the full cauldron crackled,
as the witches surrounding it cackled.
they laughed and they screeched
as the moment was reached
when their magic was fully unshackled.
"
"if you're quarrelsome, aggressive or rude,
and you're ready to fight with some dude,
you've a chip on your shoulder?
you're angry and colder:
we can tell that you're in a bad mood.
"
"it's a bad premonition i hae
that something may soon go agley;
that's go wrong or awry.
but i canna spae why?
i dunna where the feeling's come frae.
"
"his bike was seen leaving the path,
and they say he was seething with wrath.
when the body was found,
its spine had been bound?
he's a bookbinder! you do the math.
"
"things are getting a bit out of hand
with folks calling for guns to be banned.
got a voice??well then, speak!
cast your vote. don't be meek,
and don't bury your head in the sand.
"
"dionne's fickle, her love for nick shifts
to his friend steve; they love to climb cliffs.
nick seems fine?doesn't mope,
even gives them some rope.
""eeeeeeee!"" beware of spurned greeks bearing gifts.
"
"conflate is to fuse or combine
several things into one; to entwine.
it's to join or to merge.
(though i'm right on the verge
to conflate on a date?i decline.)
"
"by providing amusement for folks,
sue's amusive. she likes telling jokes.
she can sing, she can dance.
if you give her a chance,
shades of carol burnett she evokes.
"
"before daybreak roy's up in the stand
with an ar-15 (though it's banned).
he must bag something cervine
to take back to irvine.
he'd bragged he'd have deer in each hand.
"
"i stood corrected, and so i sat down,
on my face not a smile, but a frown.
views i'd held for so long
proved decidedly wrong?
i'm so shamed, i may have to skip town.
"
"my creed's ""toe the line""?i conform;
i adapt and agree, per the norm.
i'll do just as i'm told
and i'm never so bold
as to turn up the air if i'm warm.
"
"where's sally? has anyone seen her?
she has the most bubbly demeanor.
she's carefree and gay
with such nice things to say?
finds her own grass is always the greener.
"
"i'm composed, so i don't fluster easily;
i just sail through life's stresses quite breezily.
i don't yell or get sad.
just one thing makes me mad:
that's when people act sneaky or weaselly.
"
"with her friends getting red in the face,
sue's composedly watching the race
self-possessed and collected,
by nerves unaffected.
(she's bet every horse for first place.)
"
"the courtiers of charles the first knew
robert herrick and lovelace were two
of the cavalier poets.
name another? i know, it's
john suckling. (or thomas carew.)
"
"hotshot hank and his friend brash mcphee
were as bumptious as any could be?
cocksure and conceited;
who knows why they needed
to swagger to such a degree.
"
"down the block, i shoot hoops wit' my boys.
we gots hopes of big money and toys.
we know basketball stars
drive those cadillac cars?
and we's getting them nba joys.
"
"shelly thought, ""could it be i'm insane?""
it had started out deep in her brain.
she could fly like a bird,
said the voices she heard,
so she tried flying over a train.
"
"a banger's a sausage to brits;
i eat mine in the morning with grits.
as a transplanted yorkie,
i must use a forkie?
living here in the south is the pits.
"
"shelly wasn't hurt bad, thank the lord.
when her parents found out, they were floored.
they had her committed
but must have omitted
to get her consenting accord.
"
"rabbit stew made with blood and red wine,
the french call civet. tastes divine
served with crusty baked bread,
glass of wine, of course red!
""civet fudd"" calls for bugs and herbs, fine.
"
"you're a self-centered, overdressed fop,
with posh suits that look straight from the shop.
you're so dandified, phil,
if you ever stood still,
you would look like a brooks brothers prop.
"
"there once was a king, ""well-fed ned"",
from whose barrel the wine had all bled.
the king's cooper, dimwitted,
the grooves (crozes) omitted,
so the barrel and man lost their head.
"
"never one to conceal erudicity,
i eschew any nods to simplicity.
take those drinking straws there?
i'd describe them with flair:
""yonder tubules possess cylindricity.""
"
"he prates on and on as he dines,
""copper oxides, as minerals from mines,
are black tenorite, dear,
or red cuprite, i hear.""
(he's immune to his wife's boredom signs.)
"
"my heat bill's so high that i seethe.
i decide my whole house i should sheathe
with thick foam to save power;
air changes per hour
have gotten so low i can't breathe!
"
"what concept does this verse express?
no fair peeking?come on now and guess.
if the word that you're saying
(assuming you're playing)
is ""alternate"", then that's success!
"
"my processor's clock rate is slow:
it is only one gigahertz, so
nanoseconds tick by
as it tallies, while i
sit and twiddle my thumbs here?hello!
"
"though i love my dear wife, there are things
that i never will tell her (my ""flings"").
i will clancularly eat,
since she's vegan, some meat:
a whole bucket of kfc wings.
"
"my printshop gets many a bore,
with their mad manifestos galore.
though they're all on the flawed side,
i still print up each broadside,
'cause it's money, not truth, i adore.
"
"is it possible poe had been cooped?
when poor edgar was found, he seemed looped.
from his state, it's surmised
he'd been drugged and disguised:
then to vote many times he was trooped.
"
"you mutilate books? you're the last
person i'd date. you biblioclast!
i'm a bibliophile.
i love books?see this pile?
now, i'm reading here, just walk on past.
"
"i'm on a carpophagous diet;
i only eat fruit. you should try it!
i've lost 30 pounds
and my energy bounds
know no limit. success? can't deny it!
"
"it's a greenish, gelatinous goo
some folks think is delicious, but, eww...
it lies 'neath the top
turtle shell. use this glop
as a calipash garnish in stew.
"
"innovation is like innervation;
mastication became masturbation.
take care when you speak
lest your words make folks freak?
because catchfools can cause a sensation.
"
"i've got, i've got-got cataphasia.
no it wasn't caused by my dysplasia.
it's a speech-speech disorder;
like a broke tape recorder?
repetitions of word or of phrase, ya (ya-ya).
"
"you stand out in a crowd?that's for sure.
(are you certain that outfit's couture?)
your conspicuous clothes
really hide that botched nose...
but your fashion disease??there's no cure.
"
"in his life, joe's received some strange looks.
'tween a book and a crook? he'll take crooks.
he distrusts what's inside.
when he's touched them he's cried.
joe's a bibliophobe; he fears books.
"
"that chameleon acts so apathetic.
doesn't seem in the least energetic,
but just make a grab?
it darts off like a crab
in its camouflage so apatetic.
"
"blaydon's home to a mischievous spirit
who plays brownie-like tricks on those near it.
if you feign you don't care
that the boggart is there?
it bedevils your home 'til you fear it.
"
"to scotland: that's where my heart leads
for the music on which my soul feeds?
the ceolmor of the highlands,
coaxed out by bill weilands
as he fingers the bag and the reeds.
"
"i read of a newborn blue whale
who was twenty-two feet, snout to tail.
weighed three tons to start out;
before year's end he'll sprout.
fifty feet, twenty tons?where's the scale?
"
"""i've got candy here. come, have a piece,""
said the creepy old man to my niece.
she told the perv ""no!""
and then where he could go.
he sped off in a two-door caprice.
"
"i see catfacing's nothing to do
with real cats or their faces. it's true!
it is damage to peaches
from insects (not leeches)
when they puncture the skin to get through.
"
"if your path takes you way out of line,
it's amiss, but it still could be fine.
for awry or askance,
or askew, there's a chance?
if what should be and is intertwine.
"
"the message said, ""access restricted"".
(who knew that she'd grown so addicted?)
her site had been downed,
she's curled up on the ground?
a woebegone woman depicted.
"
"though the judge had said ""cease and desist"",
the man still hit his wife with his fist.
so she pulled out a gun
and counted to one?
at her funeral they whisper, ""she missed...""
"
"a caterwaul's characteristic
of a cat who is going ballistic.
he is stuck in a rut,
so he screams from his gut;
he's just horny?not antagonistic.
"
"a general, not weak and parvipotent,
was hailed by his troops as bellipotent
(which means mighty in war),
for his corps just adore
their master of arms, so armipotent.
"
"i'll confess to my secret stupidity:
i'd thought cupids were linked to cupidity.
but that word denotes ""greed,""
as does avarice?need
for possessions, akin to avidity.
"
"snow blankets the yard; storm is done.
pigs in blankets to eat? i'll take one!
though we're cuddled in throws,
my marine husband knows
blanket parties are not this much fun.
"
"madge daydreams of breasts that were conic
and a lifestyle once wild and hedonic.
now she's some rich guy's spouse,
with three kids and a house...
a madonna with children? ironic.
"
"the furniture all needs new varnish.
the silver is covered with tarnish.
these things that i did love
i want to get rid of?
this house i will simply degarnish.
"
"jane's cryptic report made us wonder,
but the photos showed proof of her blunder.
it seems her ""merbeing""
was a fish swiftly fleeing;
her cryptid account's torn asunder.
"
"that's it! i am black out with you!
i'll not stand for this venom you spew!
you are coarse, crude and loud?
and of this you are proud??
i'm not kidding. it's over. we're through.
"
"going fishing? you're gonna need bait;
old salt cast nets  (or eagles) work great.
first, take weighted round net,
throw o'er schools, then let set
for a sec?pull up rope at fast rate.
"
"the escape plan was quite cut and dry:
don't try, but just do; you won't die.
if you follow my lead
there's no reason to bleed?
oh, shoot! he was such a nice guy...
"
"i am poor, way beyond comprehension;
this has screwed with my powers of retention.
don't laugh, it's no joke,
i am so stony broke
that i can't even... what?...  pay attention!
"
"a czarina's the wife of a czar,
or a female who rules as a tsar,
also spelled as tsaritsa,
tsarina, czaritsa?
yelizaveta was best-loved, by far.
"
"we've instilled this one point in our daughter:
just say no (thanks), come hell or high water.
but with movie stars doing
the things we're eschewing,
she sometimes forgets what we've taught her.
"
"though reviews gave the movie a ""d"",
those opinions cut no ice with me.
i wouldn't be swayed,
so the money i paid
was a waste?because now, i agree.
"
"my dad said, ""you'd better fly straight,
or i'll clip your wings.""  damn it, i hate
when he grounds me like that.
so i purr like a cat,
""of course daddy! i won't be late.""
"
"the case knives, by j. russell case,
really put those young bucks in their place.
true enthusiasts own
one in famous red bone;
or ""collection"" would be rather base.
"
"writing limericks is hard?omg!
lines one and two rhyme, but not three.
three and four? yes, they should?
hey, so far this looks good?
and it wasn't too hard, now i see.
"
"super party, but... boy, what a mess!
i'll help clean, but i can't in this dress.
let me first change my clothes,
get a mop (and a hose?),
then the damage we'll start to assess.
"
"you're annoyingly close-tongued (you're silent)
about tools that you borrowed, that i lent.
being tight-lipped won't fly
'cause i'm not a nice guy?
if you don't give them back, i'll get violent.
"
"you may put on a hardened fa?ade,
but i still see the handprints of god.
he has not left your side.
you can't hide (though you've tried).
you are close as two peas in a pod.
"
"cloudy skies always fill me with dreariness.
when the sun shines my mood lifts to cheeriness.
it's not rained for two weeks;
all these smiles hurt my cheeks?
peppy bouncing's collapsed into weariness...
"
"after six months away i still know
where i stored my seeds (now under snow).
i'm a bird, mostly gray,
from the west u.s.a.?
clark's nutcracker (also clark's crow).
"
"at the head of the boat sat the coxswain.
he's an evil lad; oh, how he mocks sin.
on him, crew relied
to maintain their fast stride;
then they died, when he sprayed them with toxin.
"
"yeah, it's true that by vlad i was bitten;
i'm not under some spell. i am smitten.
it was just a small bite,
and i'll see him tonight...
what's that sharp wooden thing that you're gettin'?
"
"i'm no artist, but watch me draw blood.
(maybe drops will be spilled, but no flood.)
barbie's blood fills the vials;
soon an end to denials?
we'll have proof ken's a stud (or a dud).
"
"lara batted her eyes without guile,
""have a cuppa; we'll chat for awhile.
cuppa means 'cup of tea',
but i've coffee too, lee.""
then she smiled her most winningest smile.
"
"crikey, don't chuck a wobbly there, kit.
hey, i'm sorry?don't throw such a fit.
that's what aussies would say
if you ranted that way?
'sides, it sure makes you look like a git!
"
"malcolm dackers his way down the street.
it's amazing he stays on his feet.
watch him sway in the gloam
as he staggers on home
where his drinking is far more discreet.
"
"i think delicatessen food's fine,
it even goes well with fine wine.
food that's ready to eat,
for a lunch, can't be beat?
but with chateau mouton? that's divine!
"
"the pitchman extolled with great urgency
the strength of his product's detergency.
""not only for stains,
it can even clear drains:
it will tackle your cleaning emergency!""
"
"""this paper's delicious!"" said ant.
""do you mean deletitious?"" asked grant.
""while it's true things are easily
erased from it breezily,
it tastes like a sweet pepper plant.""
"
"sadly, dacnomaniacal bill,
so obsessed with his urges to kill
(some for sport, some for fun),
finds as soon as he's done
the hunt starts for his next deathly thrill.
"
"""oh, my side hurts,"" says caroline, shaking.
""the right side, and no, i'm not faking.""
she feels sick and that spot
on her abdomen's hot.
appendicitis is causing her aching.
"
"a homesick young airman named alice,
in school out on sheppard, near dallas,
was heard to exclaim,
""i'm not one to lay blame,
but i think the instructors are callous.""
"
"it's the spook's winter house, i am sure.
see? it's there in that clough of the moor.
in that deep, steep ravine,
he keeps witches unseen
and behind iron bars. we're secure.
"
"""a cesspool of moral decay...""
my dad described vegas that way.
""a cloaca, a sewer,
what'd they use as a lure
to make you choose?slots! hey, let's play!""
"
"the reason i'm here is a blister,
so there's no way i'm needing a clyster.
that's an enema and
it won't help my sore hand,
so just get that away from me, mister!
"
"i had tried acting tough to sway fay
but my grandma said, ""that's not the way!
you catch more flies with honey
than with vinegar, sonny.""
so i bought my sweet fay a bouquet.
"
"a gelatinous part of a turtle,
calipee is delicious, for myrtle.
its name contains pee?
and it's yellow?? well, gee?
that's one taste barricade i won't hurdle!
"
"pryor's speech worked me into a lather,
as this judge just went on with his blather:
""no gays should have option
for children's adoption""
(at least based on the ""facts"" he could gather).
"
"the report sent by general grey,
a communiqu? (classified a),
listed people, he claimed,
who could later be blamed
for the village we bombed on that day.
"
"among hackneyed and trite kinds of phrases,
an expression that's seen better days is
often called a clich?.
but all work and no play
may make jack a dull boy (with big raises).
"
"though it's glaringly obvious that
you're in love with that hideous hat,
your conspicuous dress
tells the world you're a mess?
and it sure doesn't help that you're fat!
"
"under oath we will vouch for you, ken.
we know you're no killer of men.
it's called compurgation?
we'll be your salvation,
and soon you'll be free once again.
"
"if you depredate, that means you ravage.
depredators (marauders) are savage.
they are sackers and looters
and sometimes freebooters.
but to market their spoils they'd pay scavage.
"
"the word colera (choler or bile),
out of favor, not used in a while,
was once penned by geoff chaucer.
it meant one felt crosser,
aggrieved and unlikely to smile.
"
"the senator fired all his pages;
well he tried, but his ways were ambagious.
he was too indirect
so they didn't suspect?
some believed that he'd raised all their wages.
"
"our film's dead as a doornail now;
someone broke in and stole the star cow.
even though she had no lines
this flick's about bovines?
the show must go on?? can't see how.
"
"jack certifies?i mean?attests
to the naturalness of jill's breasts.
he knew her in college,
so has first-hand knowledge
(and all that implies or suggests).
"
"skittish scott beat a devil's tattoo
with the heel and the toe of his shoe.
while he nervously tapped,
his abusive wife yapped,
listing chores he'd forgotten to do.
"
"tell the boss that you're off on vacation
but you know you need detoxication.
with some help you'll succeed?
end your need for that speed?
a clean system and more: relaxation!
"
"tolkien's books are about middle earth,
and i love 'em (whatever that's worth),
though his characters are,
by near and by far,
mostly male. but of females? a dearth!
"
"that's a cruel good man you have there
with his dark handsome looks and straight stare.
that the fellow's cruel rich
is what clinches his pitch?
let's just pray he's not cruel everywhere.
"
"a curved block that presses a brake's
lining up 'gainst a brake drum and makes
a turning wheel slow
to a stop, this i know,
is a brake shoe and four a car takes.
"
"coxalgia, or pain in the hip,
makes it hard for a person to skip.
pain meds might help you cope
but if not, there's still hope?
hip replacement! (it's well worth the trip.)
"
"contumelious conrad was rude.
his disdainful, insulting words spewed
over all whom he met,
'til one day, he met jet,
sans respect, and a battle ensued.
"
"you think that by god you're forsaken;
your heart has been broken, you're achin'.
this piece that you see
is not all that's to be?
the big picture is what he is makin'.
"
"you're a heck of a good politician;
you tell lies with no sense of contrition.
lay your cards on the table?
tell the truth, if you're able?
no more secrets, just facts, no omission.
"
"a wild group of cats (that's a clowder)
got into my low-fat milk powder.
they were feral, it's true,
but they made a good stew.
(and the leftovers made a good chowder!)
"
"cowhearted's not generous, raven!
it's cowardly, gutless and craven,
lily-livered and yellow,
not some bighearted fellow.
bob won't like those flyers you're wavin'.
"
"on the champs-?lys?es, and it's silly,
the air's algid?that means kind of chilly.
are the goosebumps i get
from the wind and the wet,
or from sweet nothings whispered by guilly?
"
"she's too good for the corps de ballet
so she'll dance with a few: coryph?e.
though she soloed one time,
she's a year from her prime?
not yet prima, with dues still to pay.
"
"your visage? astounding! and so
i must avert eyes or i'll go
as blind as a bat,
for your beauty's such that
mortal men can not look on you?oh!
"
"on the beach, right between the marinas,
sand is littered with many coquinas:
bivalve mollusks, quite tiny,
found in water that's briny,
kin to conch that i eat in cantinas.
"
"if great music's what you want to hear
then the ceolmor's for you?lend an ear!
from the great scottish nation,
that's the literal translation
of classical bagpipes. (don't jeer.)
"
"i like the apostrophized 'til.
i've used it and always i will.
it's the way i was taught,
so don't get all distraught?
since it's just punctuation, now chill.
"
"where's my spreadsheet? it's just as i've feared!
i've a virus!  my stuff's disappeared!
by my ""stuff,"" i mean data.
my screen's blank?oh, wait a
darn minute?it's here again! weird.
"
"when you first look at beestings, you think
of an insect that hurts?there's no link.
it's colostrum, that treat
to a calf from the teat
of its mother?its very first drink!
"
"i'm afraid i must go on a diet
since i can't zip my pants, though i try it.
no more cookies for me;
no more soda, just tea.
healthy eating is fun!? (i don't buy it.)
"
"i am so disillusioned now, sonny.
are you joking? i'm poor? it's not funny?
how can all this be real?
how could that nice man steal?
that crook, bernie, made off with my money!
"
"no emotions?i stay very calm.
i am cool as a cucumber, tom.
with the hostiles in view,
i make sure my aim's true,
and shoot straight with impassive aplomb.
"
"ann and john don't have sex like before
(at least, not with each other), a sore,
sorry point of contention.
it's now john's intention
to be celibately carnal once more.
"
"a monk who is turkish or persian,
who's embraced ""pauper lifestyle immersion"",
should not make you nervous.
what he's called is a dervis,
or dervise (an alternate version).
"
"cathy tended to groan discontentedly,
even though she was, unprecedentedly,
often showered with gifts;
she would wander the cliffs
and insanely scream ""heath?!"" quite dementedly.
"
"duck soup: something easy to do.
('twas a marx brothers comedy, too.)
""piece of cake""; ""it's a breeze"";
""hey, no sweat"": which of these
is the saying that means this for you?
"
"michael's boat is in drydock for now.
something's broken; it may be the bow.
(or the stern? which is which?)
steep repairs are a bitch,
but it's worth it 'cause mike loves his scow.
"
"""this whole dukedom belonged to a duke.""
""it did not! stuff like that makes me puke!""
""wow. you're getting this touchy
all over a duchy?""
""it belonged to a duchess, you mook!""
"
"""girl walks into a bar with a duck?""
""if she ducked, why'd her head still get struck?""
""no, by duck i mean bird,
as in 'quack!' now (bad word)
may i finish my joke?"" ""with some luck...""
"
"to say something's the best of its kind,
use ""dog's bollocks"", if slang you don't mind.
(say just ""bollocks"" and you
might get hit with a shoe?
vulgar language like that's much maligned!)
"
"apoplectically the queen said,
""she is wrong! and so off with her head!""
""oh please, don't have a stroke,""
alice said. ""'twas a joke.""
queen saw red. (the deck shuffled with dread.)
"
"milton's favorite things didn't cost
all that much, but he loved them and tossed
them around when he played 'em.
while sauced, he mislaid 'em.
the result? milton's pair o' dice: lost!
"
"marti's cocaine addiction undid her:
she's for sale to each night's highest bidder.
where a line used to do,
she snorts ten to get through?
lest you end up like her, reconsider.
"
"""cool beans!"" is the phrase of the day
when the message i want to convey
is: it's all fine by me;
count me in; i agree!
(although some folks may find it pass?.)
"
"i once knew a man whose caress
was so deft he could make girls undress
with merely a touch.
it didn't take much
to get all of the girls to sigh, ""yesss...""
"
"carpetbagging for me is an art.
move to someplace we've seen torn apart
by disaster or war,
set up store (cash galore!) ?
ten buck bottles of pop? that's a start.
"
"debt consolidation means you
have one big loan replace thirty-two.
bank pays cards off ? how neat!
but you're out on the street
if you don't cut up cards ? follow through!
"
"you want cash 'cuz you heard that i loant
some to bill, but i say that i won't
loan no money to you?
i'll be damned if i do!
and now (verbally) damned if i don't!
"
"downright devilishness! (damien's way
to please nanny with antics ""at play"".)
""trapped the cook in the freezer?
you puckish young teaser...""
by the end, she'll get hers (hell to pay).
"
"""do be us,"" the astronauts pleaded,
to the actors whose talents were needed
for the film based on them
and their broken-down lem.
no doubt dubious, soon they conceded.
"
"i put clarifier into the water.
now it sparkles the way that it oughter.
no more swimming pool cloudiness!
(to jumpstart the rowdiness,
just push in my son or my daughter.)
"
"beast of prey, though you kill for your food,
your behavior puts me in the mood?
not for that!?to make stew
from the bison you slew,
because eating it raw would be crude.
"
"beamishly, emily smiled.
such a joy is this good-natured child.
optimistic and sunny,
and frequently funny,
though the jokes that she tells are quite mild.
"
"dotty asks her friend wiz for elixir
to cure her son's cold, but he tricks her.
""your draught missed the mark;
my boy's cough's still a bark,
oh, and now he's a dog!"" (...as he licks her.)
"
"prithee, dread not the cold, here's a coat
made of dreadnought, it snaps at your throat.
the cloth's thick, warm and woolen?
whose leg are you pullin'?
this coat wasn't named for a boat!
"
"though i think you're as cute as can be,
you will never be my cup of tea.
other girls think you're fine,
but that's their taste, not mine?
rockin' bod but no brains? not for me.
"
"i've got tickets to izzard tonight;
this comedian's funny and bright.
it's true he wears dresses,
but, god, he impresses?
his connery and mason are tight!
"
"the kids at the skating rink clustered
'round ol' bill?could he still cut the mustard?
his form was divine?
every jump a 9.9?
which got all of the mothers there flustered.
"
"though our love-making session was done,
you did not have to just cut and run.
it made me red-faced
when you left in such haste?
i'd just mused about names for our son...
"
"""are you ready to go to the vet's?""
""just a sec! be right there; cool your jets!
gee, we don't have a race on!
i'm putting my face on;
i want to look good for the pets.""
"
"i heard that our fair-headed faye
had a major blonde moment today.
no mere ""moment"" for me:
it's a lifestyle.  you see...
...i forgot what i wanted to say!
"
"with some boobs in your marketing plan,
you can sell anything to a man:
bourbon, autos, computers,
the hot wings at hooters...
eve and apples, that's how it began.
"
"mary sue used to make the best custard,
but these days it just won't cut the mustard.
it's thin and it's runny,
it tastes kind of funny,
and each failed attempt leaves her flustered.
"
"""mom, it's too hot to go play outside.
i want to stay in!"" tommy cried.
""just go to the park,""
his mom said, with a bark.
tom complied, now he's stuck to the slide.
"
"i spend summers down here at the shore.
i go fishing and crabbing and more.
for crabs, just get nets,
throw 'em in, cool your jets,
in just minutes you'll have crabs galore!
"
"sally, eating her salad, admits,
""yes, i know these are not bacon bits.
they are made out of soy,
not the real mccoy,
but since switching to these, my skirt fits!""
"
"the bride had her wedding in june,
said her vows underneath the full moon,
kissed her soldier goodbye
on the 5th of july?
who knew she'd be widowed so soon?
"
"bread and circuses: time of the day
we call happy hour?drink cares away!
for a buck ninety-nine
you can leave feeling fine.
take that, sprite?it's my thirst to obey!
"
"though a crabber, joe doesn't catch crabs.
he's a grouch and throws mean verbal jabs.
a complainer, a grouse,
he'd be out of my house
if he didn't have such perfect abs.
"
"bugging someone does not involve bugs,
no, not beetles nor earwigs nor slugs.
it makes folks you annoy
(by mere chance, or with joy)
want to smack you and not give you hugs.
"
"at the fair, we've signed up to be dunkees
at the dunking booth game, 'cause those monkeys
just can't hit the side
of a barn?they're so fried!
(guess it's true that their patrons are junkies.)
"
"she got called on the carpet, poor mae,
when her boss yelled and threatened, ""no pay!""
though it's true she's been late
and she did drop that plate,
she did not deserve treatment that way.
"
"yes, i bring home the bacon to stan,
'cause i like to buy things for my man.
true, he's mean, so it's odd,
he treats me like a god!
(though i'm poorer than when we began...)
"
"gourmet food served to toddlers who whine?
that's like casting your pearls before swine.
'cause from lint balls to chips,
it all goes 'tween their lips.
around nine's when their taste buds refine.
"
"i sit at the concert and stare
at the man, two rows down, with no hair.
he's not that attractive
but his baby's quite active?
look there! she just fell off the chair.
"
"i was late and my dad chewed me out.
was he mad?? didn't you hear him shout?
he was heard down the block,
and although i feigned shock,
of my guilt there was never a doubt.
"
"their plan was to find me a man
with big muscles, thick hair and a tan.
but the best ones they found
were all bald, pale and round,
or had started out life as ""suzanne.""
"
"a mother, whose kids were a fright,
knew four words that could stop any fight:
""cease being so bad,
or i'll tell your dad!""
those brats were soon still and contrite.
"
"i admit it?i'm really a bastard:
the result of two kids who got plastered.
though my folks never married,
the grudges i've carried
are gone?all those demons i've mastered.
"
"my guy says he's just a romantic;
he's gushy, effusive and frantic!
there's groping and kissing
but still something's missing ?
his outpourings seem sycophantic.
"
"""when the teach starts on lessons, fanatical,
i zone out; they're too acroamatical.
(that's abstruse or profound.)""
""oh, quit messing around!
it's just grammar, not something so radical.""
"
"though i'm totally screwed and i know it,
i'll wear a brave face and won't show it.
in my stoic expression
no hint of depression?
i'll take all this drama and stow it.
"
"an algerian toddler (so hyper!)
scrambled over a nasty horned viper.
the cerastes did bite,
but it turned out all right,
'cause the fangs couldn't get through his diaper.
"
"my attraction to you's quite risqu?,
but i'm filled with enchantment today.
i feel drawn, overpowered;
in my eyes, your charm's flowered.
it's so weird ? you're a girl, and i'm gay.
"
"i benevolently  smiled at my daughter.
(she'd broken a rule, and i'd caught her.)
""keep those tear drops at bay?
i feel kindly today.
just this once, you're in warm, not hot water.""
"
"mean-spirited, currishly crude,
ricky jokes about folks getting screwed.
he offends: won't conform
to what's viewed as ""the norm"".
nothing's sacred to humor this skewed.
"
"johnny knows (understands; comprehends)
that he needs to make many amends
to the folks that he mugged
while he drank and was drugged.
aa sponsors are now his new friends.
"
"an antelingual pouch, found near the tongue,
helps a mama crow feeding her young.
it's a pocket with spare
bits of carrion bear
she can share with her simps?yum, it's lung!
"
"i've been beaconing you for an hour.
my signal fire's losing its power.
while the enemies' coming,
i'm sitting here humming
and twiddling my thumbs in this tower.
"
"guilty students just gape with surprise
that she's caught what they've fought to disguise.
confiscator of cell phones
and ipods, adele jones
bags banned stuff, calls parents, hears cries.
"
"well, i'm deep in the doldrums for sure.
this listlessness lasts; there's no cure.
i'm despondent and blue.
i've no job, i've no you ?
this life has no draw or allure.
"
"at ace hardware, jack's one of the buyers
(kinda strange, filled with toolish desires).
jack loves nails, bolts and hammers
but he yearns?no, he clamors?
to hear gripping tales about pliers.
"
"pops was painfully swollen (not nice).
then the doc told him, ""soak in some ice.""
so he started out dropsical;
now he's a popsicle?
coldly dispensing advice.
"
"if you call something ""something"", it means
that's your word for the thing. let's take jeans:
some would say dungarees,
denims, levi's or lees
for tough pants worn by millions of teens.
"
"i am cash-strapped (can't get on the dole
since the state won't pay those on parole).
in the past, short of money,
i'd go rob some honey,
but pros here are tough hoes to roll.
"
"when a gentleman asks for a dance,
i ask for my dime in advance
(that means paying before
we set foot on the floor.)
i never leave money to chance.
"
"my lady-friend's singing's inspired.
at auditions she's first to be hired.
her father and brother
are tone deaf, like mother.
(i guess such a talent's acquired.)
"
"i complained to the doc with a pout
that my kids like to fight and to shout,
but the children's psychologist
became their apologist.
""all youngsters,"" she told me, ""act out.""
"
"if your doctor decides, on reflection
that you're suffering from an infection,
she will choose, as a rule,
an ampoule (or ampule),
crack it open, and give an injection.
"
"acarina are creatures that bite.
they include both the tick and the mite.
their pincers, like pins,
can puncture our skins.
i guess they just do it for spite.
"
"when a chemist begins to admix
be on guard, we may end in a fix,
the outcome: corrosive
or even explosive.
some scientists play nasty tricks!
"
"if you're planning to ship out of state
a load that's excessive in weight,
have no fear, use your brain,
rent a truck, ship by train:
you need not be afraid to affreight.
"
"in my youth i was slim as a rose.
i could easily bend, touch my toes,
but now where i'm at
(please don't say that i'm fat)
all this tissue is called adipose.
"
"don't say that my speech is accented
'cause brooklyn's my home. i resent it!
don't let your lip curl
when i say ""goil"" for ""girl""
da king's english ain't broke, i just bent it.
"
"in a crime that belabors belief
some villainous black-livered thief
(how on earth will i dine
with no pre-dinner wine?)
went and hijacked my aperitif.
"
"john and cyndy, though often discreet,
left one heck of a clue on the sheet.
no, it's not what you're fearing?
cyn lost her pearl earring,
and ann found the stud?what a cheat!
"
"i was out on my rounds selling crystal
on a day return ticket to bristol,
since it's cheaper that way
(to return the same day)
and you don't have to carry a pistol.
"
"""promiscuous, yet celibate too?
gee, i don't think that's possible. you?""
""well, it just means 'not married',
and her sex partners varied?
no yoke?sue's a slut through and through.""
"
"you need to be bailed out? you oughter
not sail if your boat takes on water.
i've got a tin can,
but if i was you, dan,
i would just take her back where i'd bought her.
"
"got no purpose? don't know what to do?
there's a place for you ? avenue q!
with its racist, gay puppets
(these aren't your mom's muppets),
see this show ? it won't suck to be you!
"
"""a horse is a four-legged beast.""
oh my gosh! has my knowledge increased!
what you've tried  to define
might as well be a swine ?
could you throw in a few facts at least?
"
"they're supposed to be honest and fair men,
those folks who lead meetings, those chairmen.
but it's often the case
they wear more than one face
and become ""don't believe what i swear"" men.
"
"louie's hip; he's so dernier cri.
oh my gosh! is he looking at me?!
the new ""hot"" guy at school?
here he comes. (now, don't drool.)
there he goes, on his way to marie...
"
"frank's at large; he ain't been apprehended,
but i'm thinking his crime spree has ended.
man, he's gotta lie low
or to prison he'll go?
robbing anything's not recommended.
"
"the departure gate's where i've been sitting...
guess i should have brought books or some knitting...
it's been over five hours
while we've waited out showers
and thunderstorms, so unremitting.
"
"amblingly, amber approached,
tray aloft as she'd often been coached.
this gait, as a rule,
boosted tips and looked cool,
but she tripped, bringing scrambled, not poached.
"
"junior's room's as askew as the wig
of a rock star right after a gig.
he excuses askewness
with so-much-to-do-ness,
but i think the kid's just a pig.
"
"that she pours and she splatters won't taint her.
she is chic ? she's today's action painter.
through she's trendy and nifty,
by the year 2050
no style will seem odder or quainter.
"
"amphictyony comes from old greek
when the city-states lay cheek-to-cheek.
it means joined in a pack
to defend or attack
so the strong can make up for the weak.
"
"when it comes to my daughter, i'm torn.
is she more like a rose or a thorn?
i have suffered with her,
though the sufferings were
antenatal ? before she was born.
"
"my timing's off, writing this verse
on asynchronism, ain't it a curse?
three uss in a row;
the word's meaning is: no
correspondence in timing ? i guess it could be worse.
"
"when dividing up property, we
make allotments of varied degree
to the people whose names
bear legitimate claims ?
why am i never made allottee?
"
"when the pain sense is dulled: analgesia;
when the memory's absent: amnesia;
if a duct, or the gut,
or an iter is shut,
then we call the condition atresia.
"
"a cowboy from west oklahoma
had a stroke and fell into a coma.
in his artery sat
a deposit of fat,
or in medical terms, atheroma.
"
"if you want a career that's ascendant,
so you'll never be broke or dependent,
education's the key ?
then you won't have to be
either car-hop or washroom attendant.
"
"if you visit your doctor and hear
that your cornea isn't quite clear,
in your visual field
the albugo revealed
may cause shadows that don't disappear.
"
"altamira's located in spain.
you can reach it by bus or by train.
there you'll find art that's mythic
where paleolithic
creations of cavemen remain.
"
"his writing abounds in allusiveness
to a point i consider intrusiveness.
the plot's hard to follow,
the characters hollow;
my critique he calls ""wilde with abusiveness.""
"
"antialcohol messages are
the most difficult lessons by far
for adults and for teens
who should both, by all means,
never drink when they're driving a car.
"
"there once was a brewer named dale
whose brewery started to fail,
but a costmary herb
made his business superb.
he used alecost to flavor his ale.
"
"an add-on is something that's more
than was in this computer before,
but we don't say add-off
for the part we would doff;
isn't studying english a chore?
"
"adiaphoresis, i'm betting,
is a word that's related to sweating,
the absence of which
makes you hot, and you itch;
a condition that's truly upsetting.
"
"i really should take a vacation.
i would, but i fear acervation
of paper and work,
and i feel like a jerk;
a decidedly sad situation.
"
"if someone's avoidably late
for a meeting, appointment, or date,
it is patently rude
for this gal or this dude
to make others, avoidably, wait.
"
"an audiogram is a chart
where the right and the left stand apart;
with a line for each ear
to compare how they hear,
it displays audiology's art.
"
"i dubitate (that means i doubt)
that the blood stains will ever come out
of the carpet or floors,
though they came off the doors?
both his throat and my work here's cut out!
"
"""eat this and you'll be in nirvana.""
""are you nuts? no one eats belladonna.
man, that's nightshade!  death's-herb
is a poison. to curb
your obsession... go smoke marijuana.""
"
"you claim proof, but it's not challenge-free.
it is still controvertible. see?
you told cops vic was dead
from a shot to her head?
but there's poison in vickie's chablis.
"
"the zombies are trying to clutch us?
run fast so they can't grab or touch us!
we must race to save face
and avoid their embrace!
if we're caught, there would not be as much us.
"
"i heard, ""death be not proud."" well, why not?
i'm bone thin and wear black, so i'm hot!
not to sound like a snob,
but you'd kill for my job.
folks are dying to meet me. a lot!
"
"the bohemian club likes to howl
at the feet of a 40-foot owl.
they're  movers and shakers
and policy makers,
in capes with a face-hiding cowl.
"
"(stumble) drat! i just tripped and it hurt.
double drat! now i've juice on my shirt!
i say ""drat"" 'cause i am
not about to say ""damn"".
euphemistically speaking, i blurt.
"
"my aunty macassar is silly;
she likes everything lacy and frilly.
all these doilies on chairs
and on couches bring stares,
but i guess they protect from spilled chili.
"
"my vacation's now sadly abbreviated
since from planned things-to-do i have deviated.
i went off on a lark,
woke up drugged in the park,
and from money and clothes was alleviated.
"
"i've been cursed with her face and his hair.
to bear burdens like this is unfair!
just because i'm a beauty,
folks feel it's their duty
to act like my brain isn't there.
"
"an a train will take you uptown,
to harlem, then bring you back down;
an a-frame (chalet)
is a house shaped like a,
and an a-line's a delta-shaped gown.
"
"alas, though i recognize i'm
good at choosing two words that will rhyme,
all my troubles begin
when i find, with chagrin,
it's the third one i never can get.
"
"i noticed with utmost dismay
that attendance was poor at my play.
all the critics opine
that my writing's divine,
but the public refuses to pay.
"
"""you're found guilty!"" thus read the report.
the defendant was not a good sport.
the sum that was sought,
(the amercement he fought)
was the fine that was set by the court.
"
"lying west of alaska are isles
that stretch outward for hundreds of miles.
amchitka, the one
where the a-tests were done,
was polluted by underground trials.
"
"ambustion's a word from the past,
one of many that just didn't last,
and its meaning, we learn,
was a scald or a burn,
back when folks said, ""thou canst"" and ""thou hast.""
"
"we met when she acted as guide
on a chinatown trip.  almond-eyed,
she engaged my attention;
she's now, i might mention,
my asian-american bride.
"
"his reportage demands to be fixed,
his overblown adjectives nixed.
he describes women's hats
as ambrosial, and that's
made of orange and coconut, mixed.
"
"a winner once said to a loser,
""you too can succeed, if you choose, sir.
do your best to apply
all your talents.  just try,
and, of course, stay away from the booze, sir.""
"
"there once was a fellow named tom
whose wife was a stay-at-home mom.
when he had an affair
she didn't despair ?
she invented the first at-home bomb.
"
"the professor would often resort
to a word of an obsolete sort.
he lay on his deathbed
and with his last breath, said,
""ye gentlefolk, i am amort.""
"
"nine hundred degrees (c) is hot;
alpha iron can take quite a lot.
in heat it is able
to stay straight and stable ?
above 9-1-0 it is not.
"
"an attribute's some kind of trait
you attribute to genes or to fate ?
or in other words, name
what or who is to blame
for the attribute.  got all that straight?
"
"my uncle was known for his proneness
to dress with a grubby windblown-ness.
he had little to say,
and preferred to crochet ?
it's no wonder he suffered aloneness.
"
"some girls seem to have an affinity
for a boy who displays asininity,
with a face frankly mulish,
behavior quite foolish ?
their dream of extreme masculinity.
"
"in a cancer the changes are drastic;
the cells have become anaplastic.
they display anaplasia,
a lethal dyscrasia,
making primitive forms, quite fantastic.
"
"this limerick won't be poetical
or have concepts you'll think are heretical
'cause it has no foundation
in logic, causation;
in fact it is atheoretical.
"
"this limerick, started by me,
was designed to define abc,
but i floundered around
'til i finally found
it's ""the basics"" (i hope you'll agree).
"
"i normally put my perfume
in an atomizer, up in my room.
an anatomizer, though,
dissects bodies, and so
might prefer to work down in a tomb.
"
"the delhian, if not rawalpindian,
converses, quite often, in hindi, and
feels ill-treated, abused
when with mohawk confused;
asks that we call the cree amerindian.
"
"an annihilator seeks to destroy
quite directly, without being coy.
he is steadfast of mind
and leaves nothing behind
but his mephistophelean joy.
"
"anticensorship: here is a cause
we support with impassioned applause;
not pornography fans,
we who fight censors' bans
work to rescue free speech from bad laws.
"
"if a man finds his articulation
is impaired, like his coordination,
an ataxia may
have produced this decay
and eventual disintegration.
"
"antheridium: this is the term
for the organ producing the germ
cell (the one that wears pants)
in cryptogamous plants ?
i'm referring, of course, to the sperm.
"
"you can say it of so many things:
museums, the castles of kings,
the ant, when it breeds,
and the covers of seeds ?
aliferous means it has wings.
"
"the innermost self is the atman
in sanskrit.  i dig it a lot, man.
since i studied a smidgen
of hindu religion,
a new understanding i've  got, man.
"
"in arcady everything's great,
though it isn't a city or state.
it's the peaceful green piece
of a mythical greece
where a shepherd sings lays to his mate.
"
"ascomycete's a fungus: by jove, a
few cells (ascogonium's ova)
with an ascomycetous-
type etiquette, greet us
as if we were jack casanova.
"
"reproduce without sex! it's official.
through fission of cells, the initial
live creature can clone
other cells like its own.
the process is accrementitial.
"
"certain molecules, rigid or flaccid,
can be turned into something more placid.
amylolysis: march
to a sugar from starch,
with the help of an enzyme or acid.
"
"if you've got acidosis, it's true,
you will have acidemia too.
your blood, in both cases,
is lacking in bases,
while hydrogen ions accrue.
"
"my girl thinks i'm rich as a czar,
though i actually don't own a car.
she considers me tall
while i'm actually small;
are we actually happy?  we are.
"
"a cable-knit sweater's the norm,
even though there's no hint of a storm,
for avoiding a chill
every time that you will
visit achill ? you'll stay nice and warm.
"
"when i think that a thing's cataclysmal,
and not merely dreary or dismal,
i assure myself first
it's the worst of the worst
before using a term like abysmal.
"
"if it's dropped down your shirt, it will tickle;
it's aculeiform, shaped like a prickle.
it will stick like a thorn,
so i've seen fit to warn ?
now you needn't get into this pickle.
"
"a philistine king known as achish
gave banquets both cake-ish and steak-ish,
and when saul started ravin',
gave david safe haven,
though david's allegiance proved fake-ish.
"
"an acephalist guards all his borders,
from generals, bosses, and warders,
from professors, and deans,
since acephalist means
a person who doesn't take orders.
"
"since my knowledge of treatment is muddy,
i'm taking a course with my buddy
to explore the extremities
of medicines, remedies:
an advanced acologic-type study.
"
"an alluvion's sometimes a flood,
or the waves hitting shore with a thud,
but there's also a third
way to use this odd word:
it's your land where the water's left mud.
"
"in english we've words that are busters,
while others, genteel, sport fine lusters,
but most have no jazz,
nothing special, such as
acervuline: being in clusters.
"
"crowds at theatre shows ""in the round""
know centripetal movements abound.
you move towards the center
as soon as you enter;
if you're late, in the back row you're found.
"
"in the past it's what hunters would do,
so i'd sit and eat booya with lou.
made with veggies and meat
in a pot over heat,
ours was kind of a squirrel/rabbit stew.
"
"""recruit! you're a new enlistee,
and whenever i speak, you'll agree.
""sir, yes sir!"" your reply,
and not ever, ""aye, aye!""
we are army, not navy, now flee!""
"
"slavic missions don't tempt the fainthearted,
but dad's dad couldn't wait to get started.
fifty years in a row,
seeds of christ he did sow,
but one sabbath he gladly departed.
"
"they always end up being downers,
so i strive to avoid these encounters.
a chance meeting's no crime,
but the problem is i'm
xenophobic, and they're out-of-towners.
"
"pathologically two-faced am i?
i am not a dilogical guy!
hey, these things that i say
you just take the wrong way.
you're illogical, babe ? now, don't cry!
"
"""dis a be a fine negligee, cher.""
grammere sets dishabille on the chair.
""oh, but granny,"" you say,
""i don't dress in dat way.
i'm more cazh, with my own kind of flair.""
"
"i need to enclose seven acres.
my cows are the keenest fence breakers.
we build pens, they run through?
will a bigger mew do?
i'll pay big for some help. any takers?
"
"on the board in our science class: ""test?
define chymistry."" (easily guessed.)
""oh, it's chemistry spelled
in a wrong way!"" i yelled.
""am i right, teach?"" (she mumbles, depressed.)
"
"electric mixers make cooking a breeze.
lumpless sauces and cakes blend with ease.
no more ""beat with a spoon""
(dinner's 5:00? start at noon.)
how did chefs make the grade before these?
"
"amasthenic's a term one might cite
for a lens, and synonymous, quite,
with the word amacratic
(now called achromatic),
meaning focusing two kinds of light.
"
"a doctor's assistant named cheryl
was afraid of bacterial peril.
all the instruments, she
scrubbed as clean as could be;
then the autoclave rendered them sterile.
"
"an autogamous plant reproduces
by putting its cells to good uses;
both species of germ
cell, the ova and sperm
are its own, so it has no excuses.
"
"if you're hearing-impaired, no apology
is required; consult the anthology
of professions for one
that tests hearing ? it's done
by those licensed to do audiology.
"
"""if i wish to affirm, here and now,
that i'll always provide you with chow,
tell me which you'd prefer ?
avow or aver?""
but the cat smiled and answered, ""meow.""
"
"augean's the name of the stable
that hercules cleaned; he was able
to divert a great flow
of a river, or so
it's reputed in legend and fable.
"
"asymmetry isn't a spot
where a coffin's interred in a plot.
it signifies one
side of something you've done,
when it's matched to the other, does not.
"
"an augury is a prediction
that allows us, with utter conviction,
to find prescient words
in the entrails of birds,
but to me it's just avian fiction.
"
"the bride, after dressing for hours
for a wedding that's held at trump towers,
holds a lovely bouquet ?
she holds two?  shall i say
she holds armsful or armfuls of flowers?
"
"atemoya's a tropical fruit
of latin american root.
now some florida farmers
are growing these charmers ?
they're sweet, and nutritious to boot.
"
"since you study and love avocado,
you are labeled ""aficionado.""
though as most hobbies go,
avocados seem slow,
you proceed with esprit and bravado.
"
"my room is too dark!  in the store
is a fixture i simply adore,
but it mounts on the wall; it
needs pros to install it.
affixture costs fifty bucks more.
"
"there once was a japanese jockey
whose home was in amagasaki,
but he found that his horse
couldn't keep to the course,
""so perhaps,"" he declared, ""i'll try hockey.""
"
"an admirer of hitler, and keen
to kill enemies, seen or unseen ?
the ugandans felt fear
every time he'd appear.
i am speaking of idi amin.
"
"audiologists measure your hearing
if oncoming deafness you're fearing.
as computer screens show
both the high tones and low,
you'll discover just what's disappearing.
"
"afforesting ? that's well and good
if you want to develop a wood,
but in cities, our trees
line the sidewalk, so please
keep afforesting out of my 'hood.
"
"if you wake up one morning from sleep
to a flood in the fields that you keep,
each acre foot stands
on an acre, if land's
under water that's twelve inches deep.
"
"the light of an aureole glows
like a halo, or down to one's toes.
you may see it in paint
round the head of a saint
in a pious and dignified pose.
"
"her antediluvian stance
didn't give the merengue a chance;
she could even find faults
with the old-fashioned waltz,
so she never consented to dance.
"
"anticlassical music? we'd seek
for a piece more melodic, less chic.
anticlassical art,
as a genre apart,
makes us long for the roman and greek.
"
"my doctor delivered my babies
and cured an acute case of scabies.
when a bat that was wild
took a nip of my child,
doc's injection was called antirabies.
"
"i once had a deep conversation
with an elder who sought information;
he inquired as to whether
the tanning of leather
is still being called alutation.
"
"protozoans may sometimes be livers
in waters of ponds or of rivers.
they're actinopods if
they're surrounded by stiff
pseudopodia (whisker-like slivers).
"
"consider the poor autogyro;
it appeals less to airline than tyro.
these aircraft with motors,
propellers, and rotors
won't get you from london to cairo.
"
"my life has turned drabbish and stale-ish;
what was satiny now feels percale-ish;
my singing sounds flat,
i'm ignored by my cat,
and my ale doesn't even taste alish.
"
"my transplanted kidney, i hear
(yes, the one you donated, i fear),
has begun to reject
so i have to suspect
that we're allogeneic, my dear.
"
"the man that they named ataman
was the head of a large cossack clan,
but when he came near
folks reacted with fear,
and the jewish ones got up and ran.
"
"an amphid's a salt one can trace
to the joining of acid and base
or two sulphides ? alas,
they're not haloid, the class
of the salt in the tears on your face.
"
"52 b.c.e., you'll recall,
is when caesar was victor in gaul.
vercingetorix fought
but it all came to naught;
at alesia he met his great fall.
"
"to breathe well, my stern admonition:
atelectasis is a condition
that can injure the lung,
so don't smoke; while you're young
get brisk exercise, proper nutrition.
"
"as a feminist, sometimes i rail
against men who are hoping we fail
to achieve full equality;
they deride us with jollity,
maintaining we're just antimale.
"
"antiestrogen treatment is best
after cancer's removed from your breast,
so tamoxifen may
keep recurrence at bay,
as it keeps your own hormones depressed.
"
"if you live east of europe, and you
have a culture that's ancient and true,
and hate tv and cokes,
find mcdonald's a hoax,
anti-western may be your world view.
"
"if you and your doctor are plotting
to keep all your organs from rotting,
and thrombosis is one
of the dangers you run,
then the plan's got to be anticlotting.
"
"a most frightening moment in fiction ?
in the squeak of a door, the prediction
that danger is near ?
couldn't ever appear
if our hinges were all antifriction.
"
"antibacklash: a word i find curious;
for an antonym, search till you're furious.
antifrontlash? might be,
or probacklash? to me,
both suggestions are patently spurious.
"
"growing anile is really no fun.
now i walk when i once used to run,
and if i'm still alive
when i'm 75,
will i still want to reach 81?
"
"there once was a woman named maud
who advertised she was a bawd.
the police chief, incensed,
an enquiry commenced.
the division he chose?  antifraud.
"
"a fisherman-friend of my dad,
took him out to the sea; they were sad.
though they angled for game fish
they both caught the same fish:
alosa (that's herring, or shad).
"
"as the cells of the body conduct
normal functions, inside them are tucked
certain enzymes, by name:
autolytic. their game?
if released, the cells autodestruct.
"
"the antiapartheid decision
was enacted to heal the division
of the blacks from the whites,
to assure equal rights,
and to end other nations' derision.
"
"one hundred percent hydroponic,
his grapes make a wine that's like tonic.
though the bubbles remain,
it is not like champagne,
and its nose is distinctly ammonic.
"
"anti-stalinists lived in great danger;
uncle joe was a master arranger
of death, or extension
of gulag detention ?
so they trusted no friend and no stranger.
"
"i'm buying a throw rug.  i'll bid
for what kind? antislip? antiskid?
i just want one to stay
where it's put.  either way,
if i do, i'll be glad that i did.
"
"when an enzyme is changed in its form,
so it's no longer shaped like the norm,
by a molecule's hit ?
that's allostery; it
may engender a chemical storm.
"
"this ceo's really a splurger,
and when challenged, he's likely to perjure.
when he ventures to urge
that our companies merge,
i am definitely antimerger.
"
"antishark spray that didn't smell pleasant
i received from my mom as a present.
""take this canister when
you're in bars to meet men,
for attackers,"" she said, ""peer or peasant.""
"
"i know an old man from dubuque
who claims he is not antinuke.
""blow 'em up,"" he will say,
""like 'em better that way!""
one can tell at a glance he's a kook.
"
"antijam is a word that throws curves.
does it mean against jells and preserves?
or those jazz sessions, graphic,
or the jam-ups in traffic,
or dilemmas that get on my nerves?
"
"the virus called herpes forms cold sores,
and penile and labial-fold sores.
anti-herpes drugs will
help control, but not kill
this annoying creator of bold sores.
"
"when i drive down the roads in my state,
i can tell antibillboard's my fate.
when i see those huge signs
with disgusting designs,
i will sometimes bring up what i ate.
"
"anti-choicers will speak with one voice
in opposing the personal choice
that a woman abort,
and they'll fight it in court,
and if roe v. wade falls, they'll rejoice.
"
"an accusant is one who accuses
of misconduct whomever he chooses.
if his story's untrue,
and he's fingering you,
sue his pants off and see that he loses.
"
"all my friends say my quest is moronic.
all my life's antiplague (that's bubonic).
i fight terrorists who
would most happily strew
some y. pestis in our gin and tonic.
"
"antialcoholism's our quest,
but which of our measures works best?
raise the taxes on booze?
try to warn those who use?
or come up with a chromosome test?
"
"amphibolips? how does one say
the name of these gall wasps?  you may
at great length come to grips
with an amphibolips,
but pronounced amphibolips? no way!
"
"when i'm out with my friends, playing poker,
and someone lights up, i'm a choker;
and i'm surely not joking
when i preach antismoking
(though i'm certainly not antismoker).
"
"after living in china, i'm back
to enjoy u.s. goods others lack.
my shampoo's antisting,
and my bath leaves no ring,
and my toothpaste? of course, antiplaque.
"
"an arguer's somebody you
might debate, who disputes what is true,
or brings suit in a court
and alleges a tort,
or the guy whose first baseman is who.
"
"if igneous rock is your passion
and feldspar's in what you've been bashin',
anorthitic rock may
be what brightens your day,
while its white, red, and gray sets the fashion.
"
"he chews audibly; isn't that gross?
his expression is always morose.
if there's some kind of pill
to improve him, i will
most determinedly give him a dose.
"
"a man who will always react
with diplomacy, wisdom, and tact
can negotiate best
at his country's behest
for an antiaggression-type pact.
"
"my brother was named attach?
to the consulate out in bombay.
the climate was hot,
but my brother was not;
they detached him and sent him away.
"
"arthralgia in hip or in knee
brings us pain of prodigious degree
that can feel like barbed wire,
from nerves that misfire,
like students in r.o.t.c.
"
"saint ambrose, in 374
was named milanese bishop; what's more,
though ambrosial means ""sweet,""
it's ambrosian that neat-
ly refers to that cleric of yore.
"
"the crooks who now govern our state
were elected in 2008.
by 2010
they'll be running again
on an anticorruption-type slate.
"
"that lump in your armpit's dramatic.
the growth of its tissue's erratic ?
no, not a lymphoma,
a large angioma,
of artery, vein, or lymphatic.
"
"i am writing this letter to scott
to say i've become antipot,
so he'd better take heed
and get rid of the weed,
or the sex that was hot will be not.
"
"though they're small from their heads to their tails,
the alburn (a fish) never fails
to amaze us with making
white pearls, but it's faking:
they come from its silvery scales.
"
"my father was rumored to be
antilabor. i'd have to agree.
though he railed against bosses,
his picket-line crosses
appeared antiunion to me.
"
"my agentship hasn't gone well.
those fancy cosmetics don't sell,
and i vend just one brand
made of mashed monkey gland
mixed with honey and made into gel.
"
"accipitres: order of those
birds with talons that grow on their toes,
like a hawk or an owl;
in addition to fowl,
it's a bandage that goes on your nose.
"
"areopagus, i must report
is a word of the ancient greek sort.
it was named for the hill
where it stood, and it will
be remembered as athens' high court.
"
"when the king to his courtiers is host,
for a wedding, a banquet, or roast,
the official who cares
for all household affairs
is archchamberlain; that is his post.
"
"our chemistry lab can be fun,
with experiments simple to run,
but for chemical might
that makes day out of night,
archchemic's reserved for the sun.
"
"i know a young fellow named bjorn
who wishes he'd never been born,
'cause his neighbor, named sean,
every morn greets the dawn
with arpeggios played on his horn.
"
"your neighbors may break into chortles
if the architraves over your portals
bear your face, archangelic
as a late roman relic,
in an effort to join the immortals.
"
"though they come from a far-distant age, i
believe they are wise, each a sage; i
hear they worship a flame,
and their leader they name:
archimagus, the chief of the magi.
"
"my kids like to build with their blocks.
they make castles and cities and docks.
though they make lovely floors,
working archwise, their doors
just collapse like an old pair of socks.
"
"the district's archbishop holds sway
over running the church, day to day.
if i search for a word
that is less often heard,
archprelate i likewise can say.
"
"the icelanders often are told
of the althing, a body that's old;
it's their parliament, sturdy
(been there since 930),
a concept progressive and bold.
"
"with limerick writing i'm smitten;
hope my lines are acceptably written.
every time one's approved
i feel honored, and moved,
and so happy i purr like a kitten.
"
"when i cook with unusual garnish,
all my silver must be antitarnish,
'cause that black stuff's unsightly;
it is not rubbed off lightly,
and i won't coat my silver with varnish.
"
"some immature annelids sport
double rings of a ciliate sort.
this wild amphitrocha
leads larvida loca.
that's all that i have to report.
"
"i've a friend who's a binghamton native.
his credo is anticreative.
he doesn't take part
in music or art;
i consider his life vegetative.
"
"the best definition of air
is the stuff that we breathe.  to be fair,
it's a song too, i know,
as a verb: ""dry"" or ""show,""
but the truth is, i don't really care.
"
"i surmised it was non-controversial,
anti-aids; have you seen the commercial?
in a dignified tone
several condoms were shown ?
that sufficed to arouse the inertial.
"
"my dog has a nasty proclivity:
greeting strangers with loud aggressivity.
his barks and his growls
provoke neighborhood howls,
but i can't seem to stop this activity.
"
"an acrobat's someone who'll dare,
yet will look like he hasn't a care;
but we mustn't forget
that he works with a net
and gets nervous if one isn't there.
"
"an antidraft placard he carried
from morning till night ? never tarried.
""with conscription, you're shafted;
your choices?  be drafted,
shoot your toe off, get sick, or get married.""
"
"dr. ana (of anesthesiology)
gave ether to pat (of pathology)
and found him attractive,
though not interactive;
they wed and bred phil (of philology).
"
"a lad who'd been drunk at a dance
decided to nap, but by chance
he chose, near a willow,
an anthill as pillow
and woke 'neath a blanket of ants.
"
"asphyxia (absence of air)
can be fatal, so always take care.
keep your pillow, in bed,
at the back of your head ?
both your nose and your mouth should be bare.
"
"if your passion is deep meditation,
contemplation, and reincarnation,
if you're hell-bent to brood
(and like indian food),
then an ashram may be your salvation.
"
"the arawak indians thrived
in the new world 'til spaniards arrived.
they were brought to their knees
by the wars and disease ?
now guyana has those who survived.
"
"the powerful force of attraction
helps lovers attain satisfaction.
a magical dragnet,
this amative magnet
inspires the desired interaction.
"
"when solicited by philanthropics
for medical causes, the topics
most often are tumors,
although i've heard rumors
of a group that will screen amblyopics.
"
"an art song is more than a ditty,
it's not merely tuneful or pretty.
think: sung in a ball
gown at carnegie hall,
where the critics have wit but no pity.
"
"if i say that a steak is aflame,
i am making a serious claim.
i assert it's incinerating,
and losing its dinner-rating.
afire means exactly the same.
"
"for words that embody monotony
no field's as prosaic as botany.
an acarpellous plant
may entice or enchant,
but carpels? its flowers ain't got any.
"
"you are sometimes invaded by germs
or a virus, your doctor confirms,
but parasites too
can intrude upon you,
e.g. ascarids (nematode worms).
"
"when a nucleus, set to divide,
just splits up all the stuff that's inside,
and when splitting again
makes no chromosomes, then
we will find amitosis implied.
"
"i am often confused ? aren't you? ?
when i'm dressing and haven't a clue
how i best can express
that my bow tie's a mess:
asymmetric? askance? or askew?
"
"the arapaho lived in the west,
on the prairie, where hunting was best,
and for centuries thrived
until settlers arrived
and they found that they'd been dispossessed.
"
"an astrocytoma's not fun, for
it just can't be fixed on the run, for
this growth on the brain
brings paralysis, pain ?
see a surgeon or surely you're done for.
"
"the people who advertise cars
spend more than those selling cigars.
with their goal they're obsessed:
that we autosuggest
(like the notion to purchase is ours).
"
"raise your glasses in toast and cry, ""prost!""
here's to amtrak; this railroad will boast,
north and south, east and west,
that its routes are the best,
as it serves the u.s. coast to coast.
"
"anaemia, as you can see
is anemia spelled with ae.
they're pronounced quite the same,
so you can't really blame
english spellers who fail to agree.
"
"certain insects are noted for stings
on their abdomens ? poisonous things!
but the part of the bug
where the flying parts plug
is the alitrunk: there it has wings.
"
"he is regal and wise?most august.
should the senate so name him? they must!
then he'll pass on the name
to a month: lasting fame!
(you're familiar with august, i trust?)
"
"with aniseikonia, eyes
don't agree on what each one espies.
the images seen
on each retinal screen
will disturbingly differ in size.
"
"ameslan rightly commands
the respect of the deaf.  it expands
their ability to
interact with those who
also ""speak"" it by using their hands.
"
"i'm sure it won't come as a shock
that small bubbles appear in a flock,
filled with stuff of all sorts,
such as calcite and quartz;
they're amygdules in igneous rock.
"
"i never know what i should think;
i fear i am nearing the brink.
he equivocates, savors
ambivalence, wavers;
amphibology drives me to drink!
"
"going shopping for us is a chore;
buying footwear we really abhor.
it is okay to quote us,
our toes are amotus,
point upward and don't touch the floor.
"
"lift your glasses and raise every voice
to amphigony. let us rejoice!
our begetting entails
both the females and males;
mother nature has made the right choice.
"
"in the second world war, all seemed black
when the enemy planes would attack.
our relief was intense
when we heard the defense ?
antiaircraft: we called it ack ack.
"
"great amun (in greece he was zeus)
had the head of a ram, lots of juice,
lots of gutsiness, gall,
which he wouldn't at all
have displayed with the head of a goose.
"
"ambassage: here is a case
of an obsolete noun we can trace
to mean embassy, so
for an ambassage ? go
to illyria, carthage, or thrace.
"
"my husband's great talent is sportative;
on tennis, he's often exhortative.
i play tennis too,
pretty well, so that you
may conclude that our mating's assortative.
"
"in the east, certain churches extol
autocephaly, make it their goal.
the word signifies free,
which they're hoping to be
once they've left patriarchal control.
"
"my philosophy prof thinks eclectically;
he examines ideas dialectically,
and might even be willin'
to consider bob dylan,
though i fear he'd react apoplectically.
"
"""make it graceful and smooth, without bumps,""
said god.  a committee of chumps
designed him a mammal,
the bactrian camel:
a horse with not one, but two humps.
"
"atalanta could run a fast pace,
challenged each of her suitors to race,
till hypomenes tricked her
and made himself victor
with apples no less: some disgrace!
"
"just imagine that any design
folds lengthwise, creating a spine;
when the sides don't quite match
there's asymmetry (natch!)
like, indeed, any drawing of mine.
"
"our church looked disgracefully  bare
'round the altar, so i did my share,
and made a collection
with pastor's direction;
we now have an altarpiece there.
"
"your birthday's arriving apace,
so i'm sending this card in a race
to be certain that i'm
there with greetings on time,
or i'll never again show my face.
"
"the assassin bug's really a thriller.
he's a cold-blooded arthropod killer.
he slays and then eats
any bug that he meets,
and drinks mammals' blood too ? that's a chiller.
"
"fancy shops have a place underground;
when i shop, it's for that spot i'm bound.
in this sub-earthly placement
that's called bargain basement
best buys are most commonly found.
"
"when alcoholism arrives
in a family, misery thrives.
the dreadful addiction
remains an affliction
till rehab restores all their lives.
"
"my car has an archibald wheel,
strong and flexible, hub made of steel,
but the other three are
less resilient by far,
'cause my wife can't resist a good deal.
"
"agropyron, a genus of grass
used as medical treatment, alas,
doesn't work quite as well
as a good muscatel,
and it keeps falling out of my glass.
"
"an amebicide's medicine which
won't take away dandruff or itch.
it won't help psoriasis;
it cures amebiasis.
for other diseases, please switch.
"
"i once saw a sign in a store,
""antiforeign,"" it said, and what's more
""made in u.s. of a.;
ici on parle francais.""
at the last bit i let out a roar.
"
"many cubans who live in miami
think his four-hour speeches are hammy;
anti-castro's their creed.
they may someday succeed
if they give comandante the whammy.
"
"fellow workers, arise against bosses!
anticapitalism our cause is.
read your marx and your lenin,
all women and men, in
your prophets you'll learn of your losses.
"
"if your verse is approvably written,
its meaning and meter will fit in
with a humor you love,
like a hand in a glove,
or, in meg's case, a paw in a mitten.
"
"anasarca?  you're water-logged, so
you are swollen from hairline to toe.
the correct diagnosis
may well be nephrosis;
its treatment restores urine's flow.
"
"if a doctor has thoughtfully eyed you,
and says, ""i must listen inside you,""
  his aim's auscultation.
  a kiss (osculation)
is a treatment he shouldn't provide you.
"
"my proposal has got approvability;
it is planned with finesse and agility,
but the house and the senate
must vote for it; then it
won't end as unvarnished futility.
"
"it is hard to maintain concentration
with agita gripping our nation,
from a terrorist threat
that we just can't forget
(it's a type of advanced aggravation).
"
"the motto for some: ""life's a beach,""
while for others it's: ""into the breach!""
we debate a world view;
it's irrelevant to
an annelidan (earthworm or leech).
"
"there's a book that can leave me distressed;
just to think of it makes me depressed.
it is crammed with suspense
about dollars and cents;
it's my bankbook, you've probably guessed.
"
"i back a young hiker named jack.
in the back of his pack is a crack.
""watch your backpack,"" i shout,
""all your stuff's falling out!""
he continues, without looking back.
"
"a harvard geologist, janet,
loved rocks from all over the planet,
but she looked down on aplite
(it's also called haplite)?
so common, she took it for granite.
"
"a basket that's made out of straw
may have a regrettable flaw.
if you put water in it
and wait for a minute,
the liquid obeys newton's law.
"
"the bantu reside where it's hot,
in a far equatorial spot,
so an anorak jacket
or a parka won't hack it;
and earmuffs?most certainly not!
"
"your wrestling team wants to fight bare?
their whole bodies exposed to the air?
though the ancient greeks did it,
i hope you'll forbid it;
bikinis, at least, they should wear.
"
"when i was a kid, in my teens,
my mom grew petunias and beans.
there were pansies and chard
in her brooklyn backyard?
not a garden (beyond her scant means).
"
"tell me what, of these two, is the same:
jackie robinson, player of fame,
and a pretty good guess
of a price, more or less?
ballpark figure, for each, is a name.
"
"snow white lived with seven small guys
who would sleepily, dopily rise,
then would happily dance,
as they put on their pants,
while she bashfully covered her eyes.
"
"i try to write verses poetically,
and proceed with great speed, energetically,
but when sentimentality
trumps rationality,
limericks founder bathetically.
"
"i offered the lady my arm.
she was bawdy, but not without charm,
and she said, ""i'm the best,
but i have a request:
please protect me from bawdily harm.""
"
"a bat is a mammal that's small,
flies at night with a sonar-like call.
like a rat or a mouse,
if there's one in the house,
i am not very happy at all.
"
"a barstool can make me feel tall
in a tavern when havin' a ball,
but when i feel ready
to leave, and unsteady,
it's a much greater distance to fall.
"
"a banshee's a spirit that wails
like my dogs, if i step on their tails.
i'm assured by my kith
that it's only a myth
that's believed in by children, and gaels.
"
"there once was a fellow named hank
who decided to open a bank.
but he did something funny
with deposited money?
withdrawal? he stared and looked blank.
"
"my girlfriend won't clean and won't cook at
my flat. she is throwing the book at
my use of a word?
and i think it's absurd?
she's a babe if she's easy to look at.
"
"the shoulder blade moves with a grace
one can feel with a loving embrace,
and it comes to a point;
the acromial joint,
with the clavicle, keeps it in place.
"
"affected with amebiosis?
you may have a fatal prognosis,
since liver necrosis
can lead to fibrosis;
untreated, you'll die of cirrhosis.
"
"my nephew is hopeless with doubles?
that's to say he has dating-type troubles.
since his dates all complain
when they're drunk on champagne,
""buy them baubles,"" i told him, ""not bubbles.""
"
"for her life in the church to begin,
i carried my baby right in
to the baptistry.  water
was brushed on my daughter
to wash off original sin.
"
"edward albee writes wonderful plays
that amuse us as well as amaze.
his renowned who's afraid
of virginia woolf? played
'round the world ? it's still staged nowadays.
"
"i always paint signs in acrylic,
using roman, and even cyrillic.
i can wash off a letter
and re-paint it better
since my favorite paint's hydrophilic.
"
"i don't think my job is prosaic.
of civilizations archaic,
i study the writing
and find it exciting
to translate the old aramaic.
"
"antileprosy medicines please
those the illness has brought to their knees;
but today we prefer,
and i hope you'll concur,
to denote it as hansen's disease.
"
"antibias, a lofty ideal,
can be hard to apply in the real
world of hiring an actor,
where looks are a factor
we'd hardly expect to conceal.
"
"their production was never prolific,
but i found 3-d movies terrific.
those red-and-blue glasses
never clicked with the masses.
they're described by the term anaglyphic.
"
"""man the barricades!"" bellows our leader,
as the guns and the ammo i feed her,
but it isn't pc
(as our troops are all she)
so i doubt that the others will heed her.
"
"the laws that we call antitrust
can protect us from corporate lust,
so the business community
cannot, with impunity,
claim fees that are grossly unjust.
"
"my grandfather starbuck did battle
with rustlers who stole all his cattle.
he was winged in a shoot-out
as they herded their loot out;
it was then that he moved to seattle.
"
"an androgyne, both male and female,
once sent me a curious email:
a request that i render
advice about gender,
since he was determined to be male.
"
"the bauhaus taught lovers of art
that an architect ought to depart
from the past. forms quite spare,
sheathed in glass everywhere,
follow function, yet speak to the heart.
"
"my professor says i am altiloquent.
it means the same thing as grandiloquent,
which is ""pompous, a bore,""
but i see myself more
as both terse and succinct. i'm breviloquent.
"
"the atria play a key part
in either your buildings or heart.
in the first, open space;
in the second the place
where the muscle gives heartbeats a start.
"
"ahihud, a man in the bible,
like ahaz and ahlab, sounds tribal.
if i write that they're boring
enough to cause snoring,
will that make me guilty of libel?
"
"consider, each time that you fling
that odd-smelling paper-like thing
in your dryer: it could
make your laundry smell good,
and should also make clothes anticling.
"
"aeronomists study the skies
of the earth, so it's not a surprise
that the atmospheres of
other planets above
also interest them, so i surmise.
"
"antiracist provisions may be
what will make our society free.
while these laws are, of course,
rather hard to enforce,
still their spirit is thrilling to me.
"
"in teaching our kids to take care
to avoid stds, be aware,
we may be ineffectual
if we sound antisexual
and our message comes through as a dare.
"
"i traveled by donkey to bring
all my produce to market last spring,
but we ran out of luck
and were hit by a truck;
i came home with my ass in a sling.
"
"alexander the great, man of guile,
conquered lands spread as far as the nile,
and today's intellectual
would call him bisexual
from his toes to his archaic smile.
"
"some voices and visions just may
be religious in nature, but they
are a tiny minority.
and for the majority?
give antipsychotics, i'd say.
"
"i once met a japanese man
taking two lovely dogs from his van.
""they're akitas,"" he said,
as i patted one's head.
""it's a breed that was bred in japan.""
"
"some people say alcoholism
is a form of advanced masochism.
i reply with a shrug,
""ethanol is a drug,
and addiction's the drug's despotism.""
"
"though he wasn't reality-based,
in our hearts he's enduringly placed.
by the windmill, defiant,
(he thought it a giant),
don quixote was banefully faced.
"
"bacitracin's a good drug to use
for a pimple that's starting to ooze.
you don't need an appointment
with a doc for this ointment,
if an o.t.c. version you choose.
"
"my neighbor is so antigun
any story with firearms he'll shun,
so he rants at tv,
and hates newspapers; he
as a friend isn't really much fun.
"
"consider a barrier reef
filled with riches beyond our belief.
global warming, disease,
and polluting our seas?
these can bring the reef's creatures to grief.
"
"bacillar means shaped like a rod,
to describe a bacterium's bod.
it's not used for a wand,
or a reed in a pond.
don't you find that a little bit odd?
"
"a bagnio (a brothel to you)
had an animal musical crew,
where eleven baboons
sang lewd tunes from saloons,
while a twelfth played along on kazoo.
"
"with small talk, he launched a barrage,
in his effort at gay bavardage
as he serviced my jeep,
but the guy's such a creep
i will find me another garage.
"
"though this felon's unlawful mentality
may appear to be gross abnormalilty,
psychiatric excuses
can lead to abuses;
is it simply this man's amorality?
"
"it explodes from the tiniest girth,
the big bang of our mutual birth,
then expands, and then warms
when condensed, and it forms
all the stars, and the moon, and the earth.
"
"to treat angst (i am being didactic):
ataraxic, or else ataractic.
it's a compound that serves
to tranquillize nerves,
if an anxiolytic's your tactic.
"
"while the great fire of london had blazed,
both king charles and his court were amazed,
but they hardly could doubt it
(sam pepys wrote about it);
all the londoners stood there agazed.
"
"we love and we treasure our car.
it's our dearest possession by far,
and we've bought an alarm
to protect it from harm ?
antihijacking: that's what we are.
"
"a long antependium hung
in the church i attended while young.
it was narrow and red ?
to my six-year-old head
it resembled the minister's tongue.
"
"when you sew very loosely, you baste,
in preparing a seam or a waist,
while in roasting a goose,
when you spoon on the juice,
then you baste to enhance the food's taste.
"
"a dancer's most happy by far
when she pictures herself as a star,
in her tutu and tights,
with her name up in lights,
or, in short, when she's called to the barre.
"
"alvarado, a man of strong views,
a conquistador, known to abuse,
was a man of renown,
and today there's a town
that is named for him, near veracruz.
"
"the table was covered in baize.
in a fire, it would soon be ablaze,
but as long as it's cool,
we can keep playing pool;
i've been winning for several days.
"
"alcides was fearless and strong,
and his feats often righted a wrong,
known as hercules, same
as greek herakles?name
that's exalted in story and song.
"
"in discourse i'm known for my terseness.
my manners show badness and worseness.
ask a favor of me
and i'll never agree;
i suppose one might call it averseness.
"
"""take this ring: it's a bargain, a steal!
not a knock-off,"" this guy says, ""for real!""
so i say, ""cut the jargon;
if you're willing to bargain,
i'll pay half,""  and he says, ""it's a deal.""
"
"if you're seeking a boat that is cool,
and can sail in a bay or a pool,
a baggala's one
that to pilot is fun,
and it's named for a feminine mule.
"
"a banneret's leading his knights
in one of their regular fights.
if he wins, he may yet
be a new baronet
when the king performs post-battle rites.
"
"her basketry's terribly nice,
and commands an exceptional price.
but try as she might
to make wickerwork tight,
it is often invaded by mice.
"
"he is rigid, without elasticity,
and his sarcasm lacks specificity.
though his barbs make me laugh,
they're too caustic by half?
symptomatic of basic basicity.
"
"banzai is a word you won't see
in milano, berlin, or paris.
in japan the word cheers,
meaning ""ten thousand years,""
while a bonsai's a miniature tree.
"
"antifeminists  make me see red.
their philosophy fills me with dread:
to be seen and not heard
(for a woman ? absurd!),
to be barefoot and pregnant, then dead.
"
"since bassi's the plural of basso,
are there lassi (that's more than one lasso)?
and if pablo has brothers
and sisters, and others,
are picassi the kin of picasso?
"
"a babyish fellow named mose
wears a bib that he ties with two bows,
and instead of a hankie,
a little blue blankie
he carries wherever he goes.
"
"a barbizon scholar who's smart
knows her french nineteenth-century art,
but she may not know all
about barbican hall
where the music encircles your heart.
"
"an action-type figure's a toy
that will make a fine gift for a boy,
but remember they're never
called dolls; if you ever
say that you'll extinguish his joy.
"
"there once was a man from milwaukee
whose bowels were painful and balky,
so a barium study
was ordered.  ""that cruddy
white stuff,"" he said, ""tastes really chalky!""
"
"my boyfriend would never disparage
tradition when proffering marriage,
but it seemed rather louche
that he came by barouche
(that's a horse-drawn antique four-wheeled carriage).
"
"a bandog strikes fear with its howls
and when guarding its post, fiercely growls.
if one's challenging you,
do you know what to do?
hey, you may lose control of your bowels.
"
"a bandleader plays at a dance,
with his orchestra, tunes of romance,
while a bandmaster's hand
leads a milit'ry band;
taking one for the other? fat chance!
"
"there once was a fellow named davy
(not jones), who joined up with the navy.
though a gunner's what he
really wanted to be,
on a battleship, davy makes gravy.
"
"addulce, quite an old-fashioned word
that seldom if ever is heard,
means ""to soothe"" or ""to sweeten"";
for me it's unbeaten.
this winsome old word is preferred.
"
"for a month after having a stroke,
i was speech-impaired; it was no joke.
with aphemia, i
became flustered and shy;
all my thoughts got confused when i spoke.
"
"what's a battlement? it is a sort
of a parapet, built on a fort.
a battement, by the way,
is a move in ballet:
foot kicks out, foot comes back.  end report.
"
"my husband's a first-rate provider,
strong as steel, and as soft as an eider.
but it terrified me
when i found him to be
arachnophagous, eating a spider!
"
"i don't really look where i'm walking,
sometimes steady in pace, sometimes balking,
as i amble, half dead,
writing rhymes in my head?
lips may move, but you can't hear me talking.
"
"this drug's alviducous. it will
surely give you the runs; you'll feel ill.
but if you have the urge
and you really must purge,
go ahead and just swallow this pill.
"
"for a jellyfish (maritime-dweller),
the surface we call adumbrellar
is the top of its vellum,
though it's no help, i tell 'em,
distinguishing female from feller.
"
"he sang me a sweet alborado
at dawn, but he sang with bravado;
it wasn't romantic,
but seemed rather frantic,
the way koko wooed in mikado.
"
"i suffer from alginuresis;
i pee, and the burning increases.
my doctor just said,
""take these pills.  go to bed,
and remain there until the pain ceases.""
"
"androphobic, she's fearful of males,
and whenever she sees one, she pales.
so if she were in charge
of the country at large,
she would lock them all up in the jails.
"
"a barrator's someone litigious,
starting lawsuits in numbers prodigious,
or it's one with bad vibes
who buys titles with bribes
to win status among the religious.
"
"she bought an expensive apartment
(knowing nothing of style or what art meant),
chose decor half baroquely
and half annie oakley,
but her visitors knew what her heart meant.
"
"i looked through the microscope, where
basement membranes showed many a tear.
now if i were designing
epithelial lining,
a sturdier base would be there.
"
"i admit without any apology
that i'm looking for life, not theology,
as i search the sky nightly ?
to put it politely ?
i'm mastering astrobiology.
"
"in little league i was a catcher.
after high school, i worked as a batcher
on the factory floor,
but i don't any more.
i'm a big shot!  they made me dispatcher.
"
"when we started discussing the deal,
he offered a bankerly spiel,
saying interest, compounded,
would leave me astounded.
i asked myself, ""is he for real?""
"
"the boss of our factory can't
raise the money to backfit our plant.
since our work's obsolete
we just cannot compete.
shall we ever succeed?  no we shan't.
"
"while asbestos protects us from fire,
its effects on our health may be dire.
amianthus (one kind),
like the others, you'll find,
is the stuff that can make us expire.
"
"if you ball up a paper and throw it
you're littering; surely you know it.
if you ball up a mission
you're in the position
of bungling the job, and you blow it.
"
"bacteriuria (germs in your pee)
means your kidneys or bladder may be
attacked by a germ
(not a virus or worm).
take some medicine asap.
"
"aguardiente's a rough kind of brandy
the portuguese often find handy
when they're out on a date
and are eager to mate,
since it's usually faster than candy.
"
"does it itch?  is your rash violaceous?
want the poultice that's most efficacious?
try a chickweed; it sleeps?
birdies eat it in heaps?
it's a plant that we call alsinaceous.
"
"reproduction may seem panoramic,
its methods diverse and dynamic.
some are rather complex,
like selection by sex;
that's the process called apolegamic.
"
"her performance last night was fantastic.
by turns she was sweet and sarcastic.
she emoted and quipped,
and without any script!
it was utterly autoschediastic.
"
"i consulted a vet when my pup
ate some garbage he found in a cup,
and was barfing ? pathetic!
the antiemetic
prescribed made him stop throwing up.
"
"in a backroom politicos sit,
breathing smoke as cigarros are lit,
and without our consent
deals are made, rules are bent,
that in daylight they'd never admit.
"
"a victim of serious burns
finds it painful whenever he turns.
in his search for relief
from his torment and grief,
for an antipyrotic he yearns.
"
"it's arcane, but i've written my thesis
on anserine-type anuresis
(lack of pee in the goose).
are there others abstruse
as ""acute anuresis in geese"" is?
"
"some words i pick up in my reading,
i use for the practice i'm needing;
so kindly be lenient
if i say antevenient,
when i simply could utter preceding.
"
"when two laws or two rules disagree,
that is called antinomic; so we
have to make a decision
about which provision
to follow, and why it should be.
"
"in the ginmill she noticed a tar
who was bellying up to the bar.
first he passed her a jug,
then he tried for a hug,
but his belly protruded too far.
"
"a reviewer sees things in advance,
like a book or a play or a dance.
if he likes it, his praise
can encourage a craze.
if he pans it, it hasn't a chance.
"
"now they all would call back when she phoned!
she was sure she had joined the beau monde
and had kissed young prince harry,
and proposed that they marry,
but it seems that she simply was stoned.
"
"""we are going to marry,"" said hugh,
""there is no way jack's marrying you.
he's a bounder, a lout.
i've deposed him, no doubt?
a without-any-mercy beau coup!""
"
"shakespearean plays show defiance
of ""wisdom received,"" a reliance
on insight, refined,
into humankind's mind;
he predated behavioral science.
"
"when an ovum unites with a sperm,
a blastula forms; it's the germ
that will soon be a fetus,
and someday will greet us
when pregnancy reaches its term.
"
"when police feel more salary's due,
and their bargaining's stymied, it's true
that they get a big kick out
of staging a sick-out;
they call the event the blue flu.
"
"my gall bladder's filling with stones.
when one passes, you'll hear all my groans;
and if one should obstruct
in my biliary duct,
i'll be jaundiced in yellow-green tones.
"
"a freshman who's wearing a beanie
may look like a wimp or a weenie,
but don't ridicule that
kind of flat little hat,
or you may turn him into a meanie.
"
"i'll bear up under mountains of stress,
and withstand the most painful duress,
but do not put me
on a pedestal, see,
as it's just to look under my dress.
"
"a bagman has got to be smart;
handling cash for the mob is an art.
at the other extreme,
both in wealth and esteem,
is a bag lady pushing a cart.
"
"a fish who has nary a limb
may have barbels projecting from him,
while a man who has shoulders
and biceps like boulders
has barbells he lifts at the gym.
"
"their oncoming onslaught's intense.
just arrange those felled trees so they're dense,
block the enemy's path ?
we can scoff at their wrath
and let abattis be our defense.
"
"in my building, the rent isn't cheap,
so i trust that my neighbors will keep
their cd players low
so their music won't grow
to that din one might call antisleep.
"
"at the bayside we sat, in our teens,
in the darkness, and watched submarines.
in the car it was snug;
we would kiss and would hug.
i refer to the bayside in queens.
"
"the firefly, a summertime sight,
in the evening will twinkle its light,
and the shoofly's a pie
that tastes good but can't fly,
while a barfly is drunk every night.
"
"it's her acne to which i'm attached,
and my eczema needs to be scratched.
though we both have infections,
we've made our connections:
we're bacteriologically matched.
"
"the ol' lady is baggily dressed
(hangin' loose), and she's lookin' distressed.
guess she's down on her luck
so i throw her a buck;
go figure! now i feel depressed.
"
"the drug that's the best antiasthma
is not a transfusion of plasma.
a good symptom nailer
is a steroid inhaler
to relieve the effects of miasma.
"
"a bar code is placed, without fuss,
on each product we buy.  it's a plus.
each id is at hand
when by laser it's scanned.
will they some day be stamped upon us?
"
"in the army camp, soldiers would scuffle,
when the men, reassigned in a shuffle,
disagreed without tact
over what they had packed.
some said barracks bag; others said duffel.
"
"he raised the baton toward his face
as he walked to his drum major's place
at the head of the line,
and he liked it just fine,
as his long-legged stride set the pace.
"
"he raised the baton toward his face.
said the king, ""i'm the boss in this place!
and this scepter will prove it,
so no one remove it.
you'll be exiled or hanged in disgrace!""
"
"she raised the baton toward her face
and kissed it, with consummate grace,
then she started to run
at the sound of a gun
for the relay, the ultimate race.
"
"he raised the baton toward his face.
a hush settled over the place.
then the orchestra's sound
filled the hall, and we found
we were clasped in the music's embrace.
"
"in english philology, i'm
finding words that can change on a dime.
would you like an example?
there's acron, a sample,
the fruit of the oak?at one time.
"
"advoutress: the word's obsolete,
so we probably never will meet
any dame called this name,
whose unique claim to fame,
though she's wed, is in being a cheat.
"
"if you're puzzled by just what attaint
means, and think of a tint (as in paint),
or a tent, i'll disturb
you and say it's a verb
meaning sully; the others it ain't.
"
"on a soft summer night in july,
when i study the stars in the sky,
there's one constellation
that prompts adoration:
aquila, the eagle, flies high.
"
"toward the meeting on landfill he hastened,
and expecting to lose, he felt chastened,
but his plan was win-win,
so the council gave in,
and they filled in the land that was basined.
"
"a big shot of rye whiskey?it goes
down his gullet, and watch how he glows,
feels superior, big,
shot with power (the prig!),
like a big shot, right down to his toes.
"
"when i sat in the grass, next to you,
i was stung in the rear.  the pain grew.
tears arrived in a race
and bedewed my whole face.
what on earth did that little bee do?
"
"behindhand: it isn't a stroke
used in tennis, nor is it a joke.
behindhand's what i'm
if i don't pay on time,
and i'm late with my bills 'cause i'm broke.
"
"if your facial nerve's knocked for a loop,
a bell's palsy will make your face droop.
half your face tends to fall,
and you can't eat at all
without drooling your stew or your soup.
"
"bemas are platforms within
a church or a temple.  they're kin,
as they each bear an altar
with bible and psalter.
it's there that our prayer will begin.
"
"benedict's solution is blue,
but turns red if decanted into
henry's urine?it's sweet, he's
sure got diabetes?
an old fashioned test, tried and true.
"
"some plants that are called beggar's-lice
spread their fruit in a way that's not nice.
they're adherent, with prickles
that hurt like the dickles;
avoid them (my expert advice).
"
"now i'm aging; my pains all combine,
in my knees and my hips and my spine.
though it may sound nostalgic
to seek an antalgic?
a painkiller?that would be fine.
"
"a groupie is often a pest,
not allowing a rock star to rest.
not permitting much joy,
one will always annoy,
yet the problem is rarely addressed.
"
"the congressman wanted to hire
an aide who would surely aspire
to a lofty career.
his selection seemed queer:
she was sunny, but no ball of fire.
"
"a. bronson alcott, they say,
taught that children should learn through their play.
his philosophy, mild:
spare the rod, save the child,
and i'm sure you'd agree, louisa may.
"
"to save your possessions from harm,
in a city, a town, or a farm,
most police would suggest
the solution that's best
is a good antiburglar alarm.
"
"i've a molecule; only one end
will consider that water's its friend.
one end joins h2o,
while the other says no ?
amphiphilic's the term i intend.
"
"not helpful, romantic, or mystical,
our encounter has been agonistical.
we have argued all night
and i still think i'm right,
but i quit ? going on's masochistical.
"
"my asphodel grows in a pot  ?
it's the onliest houseplant i've got.
i water it daily
and fertilize gaily.
but talk to it? no, i do not.
"
"""his almightiness"" might be a title
for muhammad ali, since his might'll
go down in the books,
with his jabs and left hooks
(and his matchless poetic recital).
"
"some words set my limbs all aquiver,
make my arms and my legs fairly shiver.
on the list is almstaker ?
sincere, or a faker?
a problem for any almsgiver.
"
"my friend's sense of humor's neurotic,
his stories confused and chaotic.
when i amuse folks
with short tales and cute jokes,
he gets miffed 'cause my gift's anecdotic.
"
"aspidistra has leaves that are tall.
though it grows with no trouble at all
in a gardener's plot
or indoors in a pot,
it's too plain for a wedding or ball.
"
"antibug can mean several things:
against termites (like ants, but with wings),
against bugs in computers,
or pestering suitors,
or eavesdropping espionage rings.
"
"a bento's a japanese lunch
made with rice and with veggies that crunch.
it is served in a box,
and it may include lox;
that you'll like it a lot is my hunch.
"
"an exotic-type dancer named nelly
could shake like a bowl filled with jelly.
she would gyrate her hips
with her customers' tips
tucked suggestively close to her belly.
"
"belladonna, when put in the eyes,
will create a delightful surprise.
eyes become more attractive
as the compound, reactive,
makes the pupils increase in their size.
"
"a bedlamite's someone psychotic,
not ""just a bit odd'"" or neurotic.
so control the word tightly
and don't use it lightly
for one who's just mean or despotic.
"
"mr. peanut lived next to a mouse,
and the prejudiced rodent would grouse.
""damned neighbor,"" he'd mutter,
""i'm a peanut-abutter,
so i'm leaving and selling my house.""
"
"when i planted a kiss on his belly,
its surface was soft, like a jelly.
it was covered with hair,
neither fragrant nor fair?
german shepherds can be awfully smelly!
"
"it follows an earthquake, the rock
and the tremor that's called aftershock.
it waits until you
have gone back indoors to
knock your socks off and topple your block.
"
"attila and atli: the same.
the huns' leader had more than one name,
but a statesman, not sinister,
was britain's prime minister
clem attlee; to mix them's a shame.
"
"an astrograph helps us to start
constructing an accurate chart
of the stars, as they light
up the heavens at night;
curve of altitude sets each apart.
"
"the aqua lung bought by my daughter
is a breathing device (so i taught her).
it was bought on a whim;
if she learns how to swim
she might yet try it out in the water.
"
"must be zillions, the cars that he's sold,
as his salesman's technique is so bold,
but i find myself balking
at his ceaseless loud talking.
his bigmouth approach leaves me cold.
"
"if a matter is arbitral, you
can arbitrate. somebody who
is a trained arbitrator
will sooner or later
help amity come smiling through.
"
"she couldn't climb up to the attic,
but grandmother now is ecstatic.
her doctor prescribed
medication that jibed,
when he gave her an antirheumatic.
"
"if you're comfortable living on land,
walk on feet, breathe the atmosphere, and
under water, breathe too
(absorb oxygen), you
are amphibious. ain't nature grand?
"
"attenuate anything long,
it grows slender. the word is used wrong
if, when you ask me when you ate,
i answer, ""attenuate.""
such jokes in the trashcan belong.
"
"an artefact's usually found
in a ruin, a tomb, or a mound.
it is first carbon-dated,
then studied and rated:
_x_trivial __modest __profound.
"
"birds of paradise come from new guinea,
and the tail of the male's long and skinny.
birds of paradise, too,
grow in africa; you
won't confuse them unless you're a ninny.
"
"when your beta-endorphins are high
all your aches and your pains bid goodbye.
like some h in your brain,
they not only stop pain,
but they'll make you fly high in the sky.
"
"you're not dressed in a monotone, pure,
if your clothing is bicolor. sure,
you have more than one tint
to your fabric or print,
so just hope that their dyes will endure.
"
"the pilot was white as a sheet,
then turned suddenly red as a beet.
in a voice hoarse with strain,
he announced to the plane,
""take your life vests from under the seat.""
"
"if you're searching for soap in the men's
room, or hunting for mushrooms in fens,
or your golf ball in rough,
you can magnify stuff
if you use a biconvex-type lens.
"
"in deciding what's yours and what's mine,
i accept that we draw a straight line,
to be sure we won't fight;
take the stuff on the right,
and i'll take what is left, and that's fine!
"
"a billbug's a kind of a weevil
whose larvae perpetuate evil
consuming our grain,
so our farmers complain
that the bug-bill brings fiscal upheaval.
"
"in my suit jacket lining, a slit
led my hand to a pouch that just fit
my new wallet. don't knock it!
it's a besom-type pocket.
before, my cash sat where i sit.
"
"the biosphere's where we all are.
we can't live if we wander too far.
it's the part of the earth
where we dwell and give birth,
and where nature's sweet door is ajar.
"
"my friend was engaged to a guy
who'd get drunk, then to cover, would lie.
she could live with his fibbery,
but not with his bibbery;
she kissed him and bade him goodbye.
"
"as a limerick writer i'd hoped
to find synonyms. downcast, i moped,
till an answer was granted:
aslope, meaning slanted,
aslant, meaning something is sloped.
"
"said my friend, without any apology,
""i have now taken up bibliology.
for its doctrine i'm liable
to study the bible?
its language, its text, its chronology.""
"
"his grandfather clock was a treasure.
though antique, perfect time it would measure,
as he cleaned the clock manually,
like clockwork, biannually,
each may and november?his pleasure.
"
"my friend has a problem.  he's seeking
my help, and i fear that he's freaking.
to ask why is absurd,
as he can't say the word
baryphonic; his trouble is speaking.
"
"i hope that my boyfriend won't mind
if i say that we two are affined,
'cause it means closely bound
and he'll often expound
that he's just not the marrying kind.
"
"avascular tissue's the kind
without blood (with the word underlined),
like the lens in the eye
or the cornea: try
to incise them ? no bleeding you'll find.
"
"the abbot who's bored at saint denis,
in twelfth century france, figures then is
the best time to smile
and invent gothic style,
'cause it's too soon for golf or for tennis.
"
"a stimulus he has received.
his response: is he hooked or just peeved?
if it's adient, he
will draw near and agree;
if it's abient, flees, feels relieved.
"
"you should marry an altarist quicker
than a guy who makes baskets from wicker;
not a tailor's relation
who does alteration,
but a padre, or chaplain, or vicar.
"
"automatism ? genre of function
performed by the brain in conjunction
with muscles, no doubt,
but completely without
any consciousness, will or compunction.
"
"an autobus stops on my street.
it is spacious and shiny and neat,
but its route takes it no-
where that i'd like to go,
so i always must travel by feet.
"
"in the ancient world, ships had to be
run by oars or by sails blowing free,
and it wasn't up creeks
that phoenecians and greeks
took their biremes; they travelled the sea.
"
"if a shore bird has very long legs
that stick out from her body like pegs,
and a very long bill
and long neck, then she will
be an avocet (also lay eggs).
"
"a struggling young dancer named pearl
could do handstands and shimmy and twirl.
she attended auditions
for starring positions,
but was always a chorus-line girl.
"
"his amazing i.q. was ascribed
to his dad's dna, which had jibed
by most natural means
with his mom's brilliant genes,
but the truth was the tester was bribed.
"
"do you know how a beau and his wench
parlez vous'd as they wooed on a bench
back in normanized britain?
both spoken and written,
the language is called anglo-french.
"
"the term as it were always does
tend to set all my nerve cells abuzz.
it sounds so affected
i've always suspected
it's better to say ""as it was.""
"
"the ladybug, there's no denyin',
seems sweet whether crawlin' or flyin',
but when larval, she munches
on aphids in bunches,
so her larva is called aphid lion.
"
"an aponeurosis: a sheath
of dense fibrous tissue; beneath
your integument spread ?
it is not in your head,
like compulsively brushing your teeth.
"
"he said, ""hey! come and dine at my house,
though the meal is bare-bones.""  but his spouse
really gives me a scare;
would she really serve bear?
i would rather eat pheasant or grouse.
"
"bloody mary was brutal and mean.
she burned heretics?quite a routine.
now that name is in use
for tomato-type juice
mixed with vodka, and fit for a queen.
"
"my boyfriend's appallingly dressed
in a purple-and-pink-checkered vest
with a bright yellow suit,
and chartreuse shirt, to boot ?
you'll admit he stands out from the rest.
"
"an undeserved insult can cut,
and can hurt like a punch in the gut,
but it might not appall me
if someone should call me
amygdaloid (shaped like a nut).
"
"a bench seat that's part of a car
is the friendliest set-up, by far,
both for necking and petting;
it's better, i'm betting,
than any?ouch!?bucket seats are.
"
"ogden nash wrote that ""candy is dandy,
but liquor is quicker."" (how handy!)
for breaking the ice,
what's the perfect device?
aquavitae (strong spirits, or brandy).
"
"please pardon my manners, but miss,
i've acute basorexia.  this
most relentless condition
destroys inhibition?
a burning compulsion to kiss.
"
"some diseases by which we're attacked
can be monitored, followed and tracked.
when a clear biomarker
gets lighter or darker,
we're better or worse?that's a fact!
"
"antiriot gear covered the floor
of station house 74,
while the rookies inside
looked for places to hide
from the mayhem outside of the door.
"
"an avuncular fellow named rex
took me out to the cinemaplex,
but though friendly and nice,
all he gave was advice;
he showed no kind of interest in sex.
"
"our battalion, surrounded by foes,
felt besieged, from our heads to our toes,
and 'twas sergeant o'day
found the right word to say,
""our besetment's the cause of our woes!""
"
"i'm referring to one with a lack
of a method?a phony, a hack.
a methodist? whoa,
not a church member, no!
an amethodist, plainly a quack.
"
"do your cows become ill and abort,
so you fear that your herd will be short?
the vet's diagnosis:
acute brucellosis,
or bang's disease, says his report.
"
"i prefer my world fuzzy and warm;
i don't deviate much from this norm.
things are best, i would say,
done the old-fashioned way,
so i guess i'm just anti-reform.
"
"if it's antral, that means it's pertaining
to the antrum, which needs no explaining
if your headache's so bad
that you think you'll go mad,
and you find that your sinus needs draining.
"
"adelphia comes from the greek.
it means ""brotherhood""; that's why we seek
to name many a city
(philadelphia's pretty)
using greek, to be chic when we speak.
"
"joe acts animally; that's when i
feel ambivalent, loving that guy;
but i feel so embarrassed,
so ill-used and harassed,
i think i'll just bid him goodbye.
"
"the sheep in the meadow stand baaing,
while goats, nibbling grass, stand there maaing,
just grazing and gazing?
i find it amazing?
while rabbits are ma-ing and pa-ing.
"
"achylia's having no juice
in the stomach?a fluid of use
in digesting one's food,
that may sometimes include
both a goose and a chocolate mousse.
"
"some companies carried out fudging;
their profit and loss sheets showed smudging.
when the sec looked,
and found books had been cooked,
ceos went to court for adjudging.
"
"ameiuridae?they are not flat fish,
not especially thin, and not fat fish.
they're not odd or outr?
but the plain everyday
unadorned north american catfish.
"
"i have a good friend who adores
vacationing in the azores.
she loves surf and sun,
and finds water sports fun,
but her husband just lies there and snores.
"
"adiantum's a genus of fern
to which, seeking a lotion, you'd turn.
a demulcent that's made
from the venus-hair, sprayed
on the skin, soothes a rash or a burn.
"
"whenever i'm going out jogging
i treasure the miles that i'm logging.
if i work up a sweat
and my forehead gets wet,
then my glasses should be antifogging.
"
"if your silhouette makes you feel blue,
and your thighs look like mush, here's a clue:
there's no need to feel blah,
just come out to my spa.
anticellulite treatment's for you!
"
"the met's auditorium does
seem atwitter, aglitter, abuzz,
till he enters, stage right
and sings all through the night.
i conjecture bryn terfel it was.
"
"since amiability's high
on the list of the attributes i
tend to seek in a date,
and your charm is first rate,
i am sure you are my kind of guy.
"
"in this season of sunshine and showers
my garden grew large yellow flowers.
amsinckia is
what they're called, and gee whiz!
i can sit and admire them for hours.
"
"an amasser collects lots of stuff
and to change his behavior is tough
when many a trunk
is filled up with his junk
and no quantity's ever enough.
"
"a brash young policeman named chester
was florida's foremost arrester:
ninety-one arrestees,
in palm beach and the keys;
all were nabbed 'cause they wore polyester.
"
"every woman who lives in this nation
ought to have antirape education.
for her safety, such rules
should be taught in all schools
to prevent this obscene depredation.
"
"there once was a writer named maury
who wrote a unique antistory.
it just hasn't got
any hero or plot,
and just stops ? there i rest, a fortiori.
"
"using amperage, that's how we measure
electrical current?a treasure
that preserves amp?re's name
and remembers his fame,
while an ohm recalls ohm at our pleasure.
"
"here's agonus, one kind of fish
that looks pretty foul on a dish?
might as well ask the waiter
to serve you a gator,
if a knobby-scaled critter you wish.
"
"it's not simply a jerk-of-the-knee thing,
when the air all around you is seething
with asbestos, we ask
that you purchase a mask;
asbestosis can ruin your breathing.
"
"we don't like an eyelid that's lashless
or a bank where the tellers are cashless,
but one neat invention
should claim our attention:
a ""safe"" cigarette that is ashless.
"
"black-a-vised: what an odd sort of way
for a speaker of english to say
someone has a dark skin.
all those french words came in
when the normans commenced their long stay.
"
"some folks feel that english should be
our one language; i do not agree.
all my neighbors speak french;
should i hide in a trench?
it's biculturalism for me!
"
"when oedipus' offspring were sore,
amphiaraus commanded one corps,
so that thebes' royal throne
polynices would own,
but the sons killed each other: tie score!
"
"bitter almond (the nut) is the source
of amygdalin, touted, of course
to cure cancer. one glitch!
it forms cyanide, which
in great volume would poison a horse.
"
"barbiturates put us to sleep,
and as drugs go, their price is quite cheap,
but when used to excess
they cause pain and distress.
for an addict, the price can be steep.
"
"it's a native american tongue
that is heard among peoples far-flung,
from the northern alaskan
(there it's called athabascan)
to new mexican, spoken and sung.
"
"i am off to buy bait with my mate;
we'll go fishing?the weather is great.
fifteen  bucks for two worms?
what unthinkable terms!
guess i'll wait for the price to abate.
"
"an arhat will never be frightened,
though his senses are probably heightened.
this stage is the chief
goal of buddhist belief:
an arhat is one who's enlightened.
"
"an autochthon is something that's found
in a place that is in or around
the location where it
was first formed. i'll admit
the word native's less painful to sound.
"
"barracoons may be visited, where
many captives were guarded with care,
and prepared for their trips
'cross the ocean in ships.
they are relics of shame and despair.
"
"got a call while i sat home alone
from a salesman whose pitch had a tone
so persuasive (though lying)
i found myself buying ?
he managed to arm-twist by phone.
"
"to polish an apple is fine.
it produces a mirror-lilke shine,
but i'd like to abolish
the verb apple-polish ?
kowtowing was never my line.
"
"antidotal  means made to oppose
any toxin that medicine knows,
till its poison abates.
anecdotal relates
to a story recited in prose.
"
"the apartments have just gone on sale
and i'll buy one today without fail.
then we'll have an address
that is sure to impress
the guy who delivers our mail.
"
"absinthial means something's been
made to blend with or saturate in
what's called wormwood, so that
it can poison a rat.
that means absinthe's more toxic than gin.
"
"who can terrify woman or man
like godzilla tormenting japan?
or rebuke an archduke
in a powdered peruke?
i believe that an archduchess can.
"
"the accessory nerve: it relates
to the pharynx and neck, and creates
a smooth swallow, which routes
the accessory fruits ?
filled with pulp ? just as nature dictates.
"
"these spearheads are artifacts which
my uncle dug up in a ditch.
since they're shaped like a leaf,
i've decided, in brief,
they're aterian treasures ? i'm rich!
"
"i said, ""basis point."" here's what i meant:
it's one-hundredth of one small percent.
add them up and you get
the interest on debt
(on the money you've borrowed or lent).
"
"to a shop in the mall i am heading
for the dress that i'll wear to my wedding.
it's a beaut, white as milk,
made of angel skin silk,
waistline pinched, with the skirt gently spreading.
"
"an angel sleeve's loose and it's long;
not too practical, sturdy, or strong.
on a gown for a ball,
they look dreamy, enthrall,
but for doing the dishes, they're wrong.
"
"when you find that your mission's aborted,
you are sure that your scheme has been thwarted.
all the plans that you made
have been laid in the shade;
all the circuits of life have been shorted.
"
"will you get to the point if i push,
since my patience is turning to mush?
if you come out and say it,
i might well okay it,
but  not if you beat 'round the bush.
"
"in growing his crops, i am told,
a farmer today must be bold.
crops are grown and then weeded,
then benomyl's needed
to rid them of fungus and mold.
"
"bicoastal means east coast and west coast;
i can't say which one's the best-dressed coast.
they both have that thing
known as funk, kitsch, or bling;
so wherever i am is the best coast.
"
"the clothing that's sold at bazaars
may be old and so retro, it jars.
if they're really bizarre
all these outfits go far
in the wardrobes of rock-and-roll stars.
"
"bimillennium: this is a span
for which no human being can plan.
think?would someone alive
in the year we call five
have imagined a modern-day man?
"
"if you're building a wall out of sandstone,
and partial to color, demand stone
of a beautiful hue, stone
that's often called bluestone;
you'll find it a handsome and grand stone.
"
"our blue mansion was built on a site
with a beautiful view of the bight.
though it's blue, as i've said,
we are now in the red,
as our builder, a crook, bled us white.
"
"are mosquitos disturbing your nap?
what you need is a blacklight-type trap.
using light that bugs see
(though it looks black to me),
it lures insects inside, and then?zap!
"
"the bandaging wrapped round the head
of the monster inspired me with dread.
when we touched it, she screamed;
dr. frankenstein beamed!
fifteen minutes ago she was dead.
"
"i want you to marry me, quick,
as our chemistries just seem to click.
our biocompatibility
should assure our fertility
(and a transplant if ever you're sick).
"
"we go crabbing in summer to nab
a good meal when the menu's gone drab.
when my husband's unhappy,
and angry and snappy,
i call him long island's blue crab.
"
"alprazolam, taken each day,
keeps anxiety symptoms at bay,
but you shouldn't take more
than prescribed for you, or
a dependence might lead you astray.
"
"it's batter from which you can bake
loaves of bread on your plate, or a cake,
but in baseball, a batter's
at the plate, and it matters
whether pitches go straight, or they break.
"
"biosensors are gadgets that measure
life functions, at work or at leisure.
you can party till dawn
with a monitor on?
a computer will measure your pleasure.
"
"a detective is trailing behind me.
i assume someone's trying to find me,
but i'm already found,
so i spin right around;
he says, ""please go ahead and don't mind me.""
"
"when buying a medicine, i
buy generic; the price isn't high.
but i've recently heard
bigeneric's a word
for a hybrid botanical try.
"
"my boyfriend, whose name is eugene,
saw blood sausage and soon he was keen
that we buy it and try it
but i'm on a diet?
i'll cook it for next halloween.
"
"one finds volumes wherever one looks?
on his floor, in his crannies and nooks.
to my webster's i went
for a word for this gent:
bibliolater, lover of books.
"
"it's an awful infection i'm facin';
with gratitude i am embracin'
a rare and exotic
new antibiotic,
a drug that is called amikacin.
"
"altincar is natural borax;
in soap, it may scrub up your thorax.
it's also called tincal,
and here's an odd wrinkle:
to mine it you may use an ore-ax.
"
"joe mccarthy, the senator, led
anti-bolshevik hearings, he said.
fellow-travelers he
would pursue with esprit,
and would sooner be dead than be red.
"
"ten commandments, of wide distribution,
i've adopted for self-execution.
but i still have my fun?
the adultery one
i interpret as antidilution.
"
"i've been waiting eight hours or more
in this antechamber outside the door
of the throne room, where best
i can make my request
of a king who finds ruling a bore.
"
"growing older and older, i yearn
to hold on to the facts that i learn.
all the terms i forget,
names and places, are yet
just abeyant, until they return.
"
"""take ascorbic (the acid),"" you're told,
if you feel that you're catching a cold.
the word also can be
pronounced ""vitamin c""?
eat your citrus and live to be old.
"
"my exam earned an a for its neatness,
a-plus for its utter completeness.
but it got just a c
for its content; for me
an example of school's bittersweetness.
"
"nature gave us two eyes that can see
in the round, and we call it 3-d.
when you needle me, jocularly,
that you like me binocularly,
i blush at the roundness of me.
"
"i have fallen in love, and it's chronic.
my objectives are way past platonic.
the attraction is mighty,
and like aphrodite,
i'd say that my flame is adonic.
"
"my life has been one of affliction;
i've suffered with pain and addiction.
but i've learned to cash in
on my troubles and sin
by inserting them into my fiction.
"
"amethopterin: capsule that pleases
our patients; the medicine eases
distress of arthritis.
this drug, a delight is,
in treating so many diseases.
"
"anti-darwinist theories hold sway
in some parts of the u.s. of a.
where they've forged a vocation
called teaching creation.
eve? adam? ""your parents,"" they say.
"
"batterie has two meanings in dance.
in ballet, when you leap to advance,
it means clap calves and feet,
while in tap it's the beat
of a guy who's got ants in his pants.
"
"there once was a guy from salinas
who fell for a knock-out called venus.
she refused him. he slew
her with herbs in a brew:
aconitum, a poisonous genus.
"
"on an ancient world map, if one peeks,
one may find, among other antiques,
on the strymon, a city,
strategic, and pretty:
amphipolis, built by the greeks.
"
"i've had winningness; also had losingness
(the latter, perhaps, due to boozingness),
but you'll have to admit,
when the dust's what i bit,
i have always collapsed with amusingness.
"
"he denies any preference, politically,
but regards modern living quite critically,
and rejects it as bunk.
he's becoming a monk,
and will live out his life anchoritically.
"
"when my aunt first arrived in this nation,
broken english engendered frustration,
but she didn't turn cranky?
she learned to be yankee.
now we're calling her auntie assimilation.
"
"an alpinist climbs to great height
to encounter a breathtaking sight.
his endurance we praise;
it is cold up there days;
it can freeze off your keister at night.
"
"if a muscle's adducent it's able
to pull your leg back from the table;
or your arm to your chest,
to your torso or breast,
like a chain or a rope or a cable.
"
"thalidomide wasn't refused
as a sedative ? patients enthused!
it was cheerfully downed
till amelia was found
in the offspring of women who used.
"
"ampelopsis: a grape plant that's fine,
from the greek, meaning ""looks like a vine.""
it's called japanese creeper,
and you'll find it much cheaper ?
its grape isn't used to make wine.
"
"i've a husband who sometimes acts frantically,
and i wish he'd behave more romantically,
but i really feel down
when he romps like a clown,
(or an ass) and starts frolicking antically.
"
"in my youth, when we lived up in corning,
my alarm clock went off every morning.
then i'd open my eyes,
gather courage, and rise.
how i wished it would give me a warning!
"
"when i blue-pencil something, i edit,
though my craftsmanship never gets credit.
i repair broken grammar
with tweezers or hammer;
if it's awful enough, i just shred it.
"
"when i'm painting outdoors in acrylic,
i look for a scene that's idyllic,
like the moors and the downs
and the quaint english towns.
it's no wonder i'm called anglophilic.
"
"my girl eve wants to make wedding plans,
but my needs are athwart her demands.
or in other words, we're
at cross purposes here.
some designs are more woman's than man's.
"
"for describing a syllable, friend,
that is next to the next-to-the-end
(that's the one you just passed
when you're next-to-the-last),
antepenult's  the word you intend.
"
"as a student in high school i aced
each exam that i faced, and was placed
at the top of the class
which was nice, but alas,
while my friends were all chased, i was chaste.
"
"when public opinion was polled,
the results were surprising, i'm told.
insulation, wool socks,
and a coat made of fox
were most frequently named anticold.
"
"if an animal meets with a mate
and they mate, is it called animate?
and if it is not,
then please tell me what
you'd consider an animate date!
"
"if you can't bend your leg, you're excused;
ankylosis means joints have been fused,
but your doc may agree,
for a hip or a knee,
that a total replacement be used.
"
"a bailie's a councillor who
receives honors in scotland, it's true,
while a bailey's a wall
round a castle that's tall,
and the space that's inside of it, too.
"
"the nurse in our school is a catch.
as she's bandaging many a scratch,
she can help kids adjust
after winning their trust.
she's an asset no other can match.
"
"if you want to win races, of course
you should buy an arabian horse,
but beware! if you're choosing
a horse that is losing,
your wife may demand a divorce.
"
"a sage in old china once mused
that the tao his whole life had suffused.
but this spiritual path
didn't teach him much math,
so an abacus had to be used.
"
"she's a great hindu goddess; with ease
she redresses both sin and disease.
aditi, on high,
named for ""limitless sky,""
is creatress of all that one sees.
"
"the name allgood's an apt appellation
for this potherb, the best in creation,
but i've heard a report
that it's known as smearwort,
also goosefoot, fat hen. defamation!
"
"cook some liver, then mash a potato;
add veggies but not a tomato.
to make baby food tender,
mix well in a blender.
the calories? four ounces: 8-0.
"
"i had feared i would soon be a ghost
when infection was first diagnosed,
but i took antiblastic
medication; 'twas drastic,
but worked?so my doctors now boast.
"
"when two nouns, side by side, both concur,
and they to the same object refer,
they're appositively related
like this sample, created:
""the great limericist sheila."" (i'm her!)
"
"i'm advocatory; i undertake
all the actions best suited to make
someone's interests advance
in a court or romance,
and plead not for my own, but his sake.
"
"you can shout till you've got laryngitis
for drugs that are antiarthritis
and, without complications,
relieve inflammations,
the pains in the joints, and bursitis.
"
"round the castle i notice a moat
where some crocodiles swim, and some float.
so our chances are slim
to succeed if we swim?
do you think you could lend us a boat?
"
"""grow a beard.  you'll look great!"" mother cried.
""i'd look weird in a beard,"" he replied.
then at college he said
he had grown one; instead,
momma found he had barefacedly lied.
"
"our weatherman, true to his form,
said the days would be balmily warm.
to the seashore we went;
our vacation was spent
in the season's most violent storm.
"
"antigambling provisions were strong
in this country till laws came along
blessing lottos and kenos,
and later, casinos;
lose it all! gambling's no longer wrong.
"
"a bomb is a dreadful invention
that's used with the single intention
of causing destruction.
let's ban its production,
for reasons too patent to mention.
"
"i can't see the blackboard in classes;
the world looks like smudges and masses.
anisometropia
spoiled my utopia ?
guess that i'll have to wear glasses.
"
"my boston cream pie is the best.
two yellow cake layers are dressed
in dark chocolate above,
filled with custard you love?
and the calorie count on request.
"
"here is boffo, a word i wrote down,
that resembles the name of a clown.
something's boffo if it
is a laugh or a hit.
it's an adjective; also a noun.
"
"don't misjudge us and don't misperceive us.
if you hire us, you'll only aggrieve us.
we just can't do this task
with both hands, so don't ask!
ambidextrous? no, we're ambilevous.
"
"apocalyptism: belief
that the world will be ending in grief
for the folks sent to hell,
while the others do well,
go to heaven and meet with the chief.
"
"all the royalist staff tried to flee
when parisians stormed la bastille.
they were slain on the spot
by a mob that was not
going to stop till the victims were free.
"
"in a bootleg, or boot cut, your pants
will flare out to give boot tops a chance
in the pant leg to snuggle,
while bootleggers smuggle
the hooch that you swig at the dance.
"
"a bow tie's a neckpiece that hasta
be knotted just right. it will lasta
full day and look neat,
but take care when you eat
drippy sauce with your lunch (bow tie pasta).
"
"a bookworm will eat through the pages
of writings by prophets and sages.
this causes distress
to all bookworms, i guess,
and is known to provoke nasty rages.
"
"climb a tree? no, i never learned how,
and i don't mean to start learning now.
please don't think i'm too prim
to go out on a limb,
but i fear i might fall from the bough.
"
"he will never achieve much seniority.
his stance is too antiauthority.
when he said, ""i don't like
the firm's logo.  let's strike!""
moving up didn't seem a priority.
"
"ametabola, states entomology,
are those bugs, without any apology,
to whom, as a group, a
lost larva and pupa
leave only one stage of morphology.
"
"in examining women's and men's
silhouettes, both of barbies and kens,
i find those who have bowlegs
reluctant to show legs;
the reason i'll put in parens. (())
"
"it is said that ""the world loves a winner,""
and ""you can't be too thin"" (so get thinner).
these are adages; they
are banal and clich??
but don't use them to ruin my dinner.
"
"his verses continue to thrive
even though he's no longer alive.
wouldn't edward lear be
an oedilfer if he
were still living in 2005?
"
"a booby's a seagoing bird
that looks clumsy on land, and absurd;
while a human-type booby,
mature or a newbie,
in a race between two, comes in third.
"
"in teaching my students, i take
every chance that i get to forsake
all doctrine. emphatic,
i'm antidogmatic!
teaching math, though, might be a mistake.
"
"i am thinking of writing a ballad
to bean sprouts; they perk up my salad.
i use them each day
to add crunch and cachet
when a dish turns out boring or pallid.
"
"when i find that my skunks have all fled,
i'm afraid that they may end up dead,
so i search through the train
till i find them again;
in the bar car, they're sipping house red.
"
"some plants reproduce apomictically;
no sex is involved, speaking strictically.
they are parthenogenic,
not women-and-men-ic,
and that i can state apodictically.
"
"they should give me a medal in bronze
for knowing the meaning of bonze.
not a fool or a drunk,
he's a far eastern monk,
and a robe colored saffron he dons.
"
"a banquet's what many a feaster
enjoys every christmas and easter.
he may find a banquette
at the dinner; i'll bet
that it's there he'll deposit his keister.
"
"those appropriable works i adore!
i can use them, amend them; what's more,
i can call them my own,
though the author may groan.
swiping mine? you've a lawsuit in store.
"
"to bar kokhba, judea was home.
it was part of the empire of rome.
a bit of a hellion,
he led a rebellion?
so claims a eusebius tome.
"
"the complainant, in court, was resplendent.
her maid came along as attendant.
madame sobbed, so upset,
""i am broke, and in debt,
and for this i must blame the defendant!""
"
"as he plays in the sun acrobatically,
the tree frog stands out quite emphatically;
advertising that he'll
make a poisonous meal,
brilliant colors shine aposematically.
"
"let's explore anisogamous function.
two gametes considering junction,
though one's a large ball
and the other quite small,
will combine without any compunction.
"
"i've a brother i wish i could throttle,
or hit in the head with a pottle.
he describes me as spacious?
in fact, ampullaceous,
which means i am shaped like a bottle.
"
"my ex-husband's sister, eugenia,
has developed a case of amenia.
she no longer has menses
or loses blood, hence she's
less subject to hematopenia.
"
"after lunching on pasta and scallions
at a vineyard, with wine by the galleons,
you can play bocce ball.
it's a game played by all
of the wine-growing, friendly italians.
"
"if i lecture and wax oratorical
in highbrow harangue, metaphorical,
and my logic's on track,
yet i never look back,
then my speech may be called ahistorical.
"
"when an anchor is raised on a ship,
though it may not be trendy or hip,
i advise that we say
or sing, ""anchors aweigh.""
it sounds better than ""anchors atrip.""
"
"andrew, my first, is athletic;
young billy,  the dancer, balletic;
and carl is compliant,
while dan is defiant ?
i consider my sons alphabetic.
"
"a banjo is what you may strum
as you sing, or you whistle, or hum.
while a style that sounds breezy
on ears may be easy,
it's hard on your fingers and thumb.
"
"the pastor just gave me a call;
said he left me a parcel that's small,
and it's stowed in a perch
in the front of the church,
in the ambry, a hole in the wall.
"
"i find myself broke, to my sorrow.
have you got fifty bucks i can borrow?
i need all i can get
for an ante-post bet,
since the horses don't run till tomorrow.
"
"rumplestiltskin's the tale of a dad
whose boastfulness made things go bad;
his daughter, he'd told,
could spin straw into gold.
when she spoke the elf's name, he went mad.
"
"when there's water to lift, and when you
have to lift it, here's what you should do:
ask the ancient greek schools
that devised useful tools ?
archimedes will furnish a screw.
"
"she walks with her nose in the air,
feels superior?ego to spare.
on occasion her snobbery
leads to a bobbery.
really? she just doesn't care!
"
"there once was a man from botswana
who rejoiced when he ate a banana.
he'd chuckle and squeal
as he pulled off the peel;
when he chewed it he tasted nirvana.
"
"when i bodysurf down at the shore,
i wear sun block.  what helps even more
is my suit made of armor?
though hardly a charmer?
without it my belly gets sore.
"
"each botanical term is a gem,
though i sometimes have trouble with them.
one that's trying for me,
(what some leaves seem to be)
is amplexicaul: clasping the stem.
"
"an old allopathic physician
with passion explained his position.
though incurring the wrath
of the homeopath,
he made scorning their method his mission.
"
"to apocopate, cut a word's end,
writing frien' when you really mean friend;
not obscure or arcane,
this was done by mark twain
when his ""i 'uz a-washin'"" was penned.
"
"my boyfriend is somebody who
i often make fun of, it's true,
in my limerick writing.
i find it inviting
to share all his foibles; don't you?
"
"the actinograph reads and displays
photochemical aspects of rays.
our adventure's begun
when it's aimed at the sun;
we can measure the strength of its blaze.
"
"my siamese cat's feeling bitter.
she's in heat but her boyfriend's a quitter.
he refuses to mount
her on any account;
he's so neat, he's become antilitter.
"
"a fun-loving fellow named hal
pulled his credit card out; said, ""i shall
need two cases of gin
and four kegs to begin
this here tgif bacchanal.""
"
"i've acquired amyotrophy. rats!
it's a wasting of muscle, and that's
why i'm losing my power,
and feel that each hour
my limbs grow as thin as a cat's.
"
"first they drive the bull mad; then they kill it.
(it's just animal blood?we can spill it.)
think of cockfights, as they're
just like baiting a bear;
do these blood sports excite you?  just chill it!
"
"a  bookmaker's one who takes bets,
so his clients will often have debts.
if your books are worn, you
want a bookbinder, who
will repair single volumes and sets.
"
"aerometry measures the air,
an ephemeral subject; compare
to the firmness of metals
that form pots or kettles
or bras that madonna might wear.
"
"in atony muscles are weak;
in atopy allergies wreak
lots of havoc, like asthma,
in tissues and plasma
(and both words derive from the greek).
"
"i bought it because of its looks?
a bookcase with shelves hung on hooks.
it was full in a week.
want to see? take a peek!
you'll find everything in it but books.
"
"well, the skunk cage is made of bamboo
(a material teeth can bite through),
and they don't like the car,
so they chew through a bar
and return to a coach with a view.
"
"this limerick's the end of my tale.
we arrive at the zoo without fail,
and the skunks now reside
in a cage, tall and wide,
where they drink cabernet from a pail.
"
"i decide that i'll donate a few
of my skunks to a far-away zoo.
when i climb on the train
with my cage, they raise cain,
and put me in the baggage car, too.
"
"antimilitarists aim to decrease
guns and tanks, so hostilities cease.
as they preach non-aggression,
they promote the impression
that disarming turns war into peace.
"
"amadou comes from a fungus.
this old-fashioned tinder among us
lights campfires, around
which we warm to the sound
of the songs that our forebears have sung us.
"
"as a student i yearned for a math chair,
as a poet, a sylvia plath chair,
but as poet or scholar
i'm not worth a dollar;
i'll finish my days in a bath chair.
"
"christianity really did well
in old germany, under the spell
of saint boniface (he
uses capital b),
while a boniface runs a hotel.
"
"the bora's a wind that's dramatic
cross the sea that is called adriatic.
bora-bora's an isle
that's tahitian in style,
and to go there would make me ecstatic.
"
"a bowyer's a guy who makes bows;
you can meet him at archery shows.
and you'll find he's the sort
that is thrilled by the sport?
he's aquiver from hairline to toes.
"
"name a word?one we all ought to know?
with two t's, then two m's in a row.
the word bottommost will
these conditions fulfill.
it's the lowest i'm willing to go.
"
"a boomlet is not quite a boom.
something rises, but doesn't quite zoom
to the sky?more a bump?
like the census will jump
when the triplets emerge from my womb.
"
"in the first world war, germans, by gosh,
were called by their enemies ""boche.""
and the painter, hieronymus,
wasn't anonymous?
bosh! that's a rumor i'd quash!
"
"they started at nine, but won't stop
the jazz that's referred to as bop.
they play louder and stronger?
can't take it much longer?
will someone please call me a cop?
"
"to be rude, to be crude, to be lewd
is to act very boorishly, dude.
if you think it's okay
to behave in this way,
then i guess that your values are skewed.
"
"a bonesetter's not an m.d.,
but sets many a fracture, and he
can replace the odd shoulder
that's out of its holder.
broke a bone? then it's him you should see.
"
"the acoustic is nerve number eight,
and for hearing and balance, it's great.
if it fails, you can't hear,
and may fall on your rear.
after mumps, that is some people's fate.
"
"chew some betel (the leaf and the nut),
to feel happy and out of your rut,
but you oughtn't to chew
on a beetle, or you
will end up with a bug in your gut.
"
"i'm delighted to hear bagpipes play,
in their singular, happy-sad way.
it's the best music played
in most any parade;
so it's bagpipes for me, any day.
"
"at his birthplace, no marker or sign
has been placed that would help us define
where he took his first breath;
so i hope, at my death,
you will put a bronze tablet on mine.
"
"a birdman is one of those guys
who sells birds, or who watches the skies
to learn all about birds
(ornithology nerds),
or a pilot who actually flies.
"
"a birdcall's the song of a bird,
or an amateur act by a nerd,
doing bird imitations
in search of ovations
that seldom, if ever, are heard.
"
"he declared that i must be his own,
that his life was for loving alone,
but he lived it quite bibulously,
swore to me fib-ulously;
booze was his love, i was shown.
"
"in his garden he often would hoe ground,
and on weekends would sow, and would mow ground,
as his favorite spot
was this plot; and why not?
he had hidden his treasure belowground.
"
"one will find that wherever one looks,
bibliopegists seldom are crooks.
they work hard every day
at their craft so they may
make a living by binding our books.
"
"bibb lettuce is leafy and green,
and its leaves have a beautiful sheen.
when they're covered with dressing,
they'll drip, so i'm guessing
a bib will help keep your shirt clean.
"
"she came home and collapsed in a heap.
she was bleary-eyed; nothing would keep
her from hitting the hay
on her very first day
home from college.  she needed some sleep.
"
"malaria isn't esthetic.
though for days you may be apyretic,
chills and fevers return
and your head starts to burn,
and you tremble and call for a medic.
"
"we all cheered when we reached an accord
with the chief of the navy?we scored!
an inquiry en banc
will learn why our ship sank,
so we told him we'd welcome a board.
"
"that goshawk was really a pest;
it had followed me home to our nest.
when my mate saw the hawk
he attacked with a squawk,
a courageous but foolish beau geste.
"
"a boltrope is strong and won't fail
to add strength to the edge of a sail.
it's the right kind of rope
if you're locked up and hope
you can lower yourself from the jail.
"
"the basement's my favorite place:
down the stairs, a commodious space
to play ping-pong or pool.
with my gal, as a rule,
i just head for the couch and embrace.
"
"afternoon is my favorite time.
after watching the sun make its climb,
see it set towards the clover;
when the yardarm it's over,
i order my vodka and lime.
"
"a blue roach? well, it's certainly not
what is left after smoking blue pot,
or a bug that is blue.
it's a fish, and it's true
that in europe they like it a lot.
"
"may i pour you a cup of bohea?
you don't know what it is? pardon me
for not making it clear,
and confusing you, dear;
it's a wonderful black china tea.
"
"when my beau comes for dinner he may
bring a beautiful floral bouquet,
and i'm sure he'll prefer
i serve fragrant liqueur;
its bouquet will entice him to stay.
"
"his plans were all bootless, a shame.
they were useless, in vain (both the same).
so he put on some shoes,
and he laid off the booze,
to make progress in clearing his name.
"
"can you find aboriginal art
on that college art history chart?
as it comes from down under,
it's missing?a blunder!
it's lively, profound, and it's smart.
"
"baking blindfolded might cause a stink,
but blind baking is not what you think.
you bake first, if you must,
empty pastry shell crust,
then you fill it up, quick as a wink.
"
"take detergent and soap, and acrylic:
if they're properly called amphiphilic,
they're also, i'll tell,
amphipathic as well?
a condition that may seem idyllic.
"
"you're accustomed to rice that is white
or is brown, so it doesn't seem right
when it's black rice you're served,
but do not be unnerved?
it's not burned; it's delectable, quite!
"
"they're delicious in jelly or jam,
in a drink or a sauce for a ham.
they're nutritious and sweet,
and a great treat to eat.
am i selling black currants?  i am!
"
"this limerick's aiming to teach you
the value of trying blood peach. you
may find its taste tart,
and its cooking an art,
but just try making sauce, i beseech you.
"
"abdominal pregnancy can
be a danger throughout its full span.
when gestation's ectopic,
unless you're myopic,
you'll work with your doc on a plan.
"
"it's my boyfriend. now what does he want?
to go bobsledding up in vermont?
i'm afraid, if we did,
that the bobsled would skid;
i'd end up on my cahn, so i cahn't.
"
"i am told by my wine-loving friends
the black portugal grape often ends
up where labels don't show it,
so most folks don't know it
is used to make many red blends.
"
"a bloomery process was used
to smelt iron. the folks were enthused
when they found that for real,
it could also make steel?
leave the iron; with carbon it fused.
"
"beltway bandits don't wear buckskin pants
or black masks, when they're given the chance.
in their suits they're at ease
as they use expertise
in obtaining large government grants.
"
"with sodium barbital, we
may sedate ourselves after a spree.
if we're anxious or weepy,
it makes us feel sleepy;
c8h12n2o3.
"
"i have chickens and geese everywhere,
so with fowl every room i must share.
though they run through the darn lot
that's known as my barn lot,
their eggs are so good, i don't care.
"
"rock a baby way out on a limb;
if the bough breaks, what happens to him?
if it ruptures, he'll fall,
baby, cradle and all,
and his chance for survival is slim.
"
"my poor limerick on astrobiology
was found wanting, without an apology,
since among other tasks
this discipline asks:
how does space affect life's physiology?
"
"i once knew a man, full of hate,
whose philosophy i would debate.
an anti-confucian,
he loved revolution ?
antichurch, and what's more, antistate.
"
"there's no point making clients annoyed
'cause they think with their savings you've toyed.
a financial advisor
need not be a miser,
but don't let their wealth be destroyed.
"
"i married a very sweet lad,
but i don't want to live with his dad.
though i hate to disparage
a bilocal marriage,
my mom's place is equally bad.
"
"the bandana that covered his nose
made him look like a bandit.  i froze,
but his innocent eyes
belied his disguise,
and his water-gun ruined the pose.
"
"the bathyal part of the floor
of the sea is 200 or more
meters down?not so deep
as abyssal, but keep
your o2 on until you reach shore.
"
"i've gone on an acid ash diet.
my doctor convinced me to try it.
so i've taken the pledge
to avoid fruit and veg,
but the skeptic in me doesn't buy it.
"
"though he's usually thought ineffectual,
my professor's a true intellectual,
and i really can't say
that he's straight or he's gay
since he's neither. the man is asexual.
"
"i am guilty, with no explanation,
of committing a gross violation,
so i'm singing the blues?
the detergent i use
isn't subject to biodegradation.
"
"there's a great baldachino at home
in saint peter's cathedral in rome.
since it's arched o'er the altar,
when archbishops falter,
their gaffes won't bounce back from the dome.
"
"anticholinergic's a long
word that doctors will often spell wrong,
so write atropine, please,
which is written with ease
(and compared to aphthosis, a song).
"
"ambisonics, a method i've found,
will improve high-fidelity sound.
i have mounted on panels
the speakers; add channels
and music will pound and surround.
"
"i wore black and refrained from all merrying,
as i pondered celestial ferrying.
i arrived; my host gazed
at my outfit, amazed,
as it seems i'd been asked to go berrying.
"
"if you're playing the role of a tough,
and your voice has to sound really rough,
this technique i can teach:
if you asperate speech,
thinking bogart, you'll make it sound gruff.
"
"bacteria's one of those terms
that tickles my brain till it squirms.
from the back of my mind
it emerges, defined
as a self-service diner for germs.
"
"a bosquet is also a thicket.
there i park without getting a ticket.
well, of course it's not paved,
but just think what i've saved!
if the town tries to stop me, i'll picket!
"
"in my class was a dreamy young lad,
inattentive, but not really bad.
several times in each day
he seemed far, far away,
absence seizures is what the boy had.
"
"a salad was waiting to toss
as i roasted a quail for my boss.
deep in butter and flour,
i expended an hour.
what the hell; b?chamel is great sauce.
"
"on the baskervilles lay a grim curse,
so they often had need of a hearse,
till the great sherlock found
that the huge, glowing hound
was a dog that was painted?no worse.
"
"if a bluebird flies over, don't dread;
it's a happiness bird, it is said.
just buck up and don't duck;
it may bring you good luck
if it doesn't drop poop on your head.
"
"black grama's american grass
that is eaten by cattle.  alas,
they produce milk and meat,
but these cattle excrete
a destructive intestinal gas.
"
"the views in his book are jejune.
call them arid;  he's just a buffoon.
there's aridity?yes,
his book's sere to excess?
like a desert before a monsoon.
"
"i feel good when my books show black ink,
meaning profit?a boon, i would think?
as with losses come red
ink that shows up instead.
i see red, and i'm not tickled pink.
"
"a word that's uncommon: adpressed;
it's old-time locution, at best.
it means alongside
without any divide,
like a girl with her head on your chest.
"
"a fellow who lived near the tiber
ate poorly (a heavy imbiber).
his bowels were packed?
not impacted, in fact.
said his doctor, ""eat bran; you need fiber!""
"
"from a borrow pit (kind of a hole),
to gather some landfill, jack stole
lots of gravel and sand
from a part of my land?
now to make him refill it's my goal.
"
"my girlfriend was knitting a bootie,
a pink-and-blue-striped one, a beauty;
and she knitted non-stop. ""a
surprise for you, poppa!""
i married her; that was my duty.
"
"i think it's a boneheaded plan.
beat the hessians? i don't think we can.
yes, i know what you're thinking?
it's christmas, they're drinking?
but they'll trounce us and kill every man!
"
"when barnacles cling to a rock,
we don't mind.  when they cling to a dock,
or the hull of a boat,
they will form a hard coat,
and we have to remove them en bloc.
"
"though i'd rather eat meats and eat sweets,
my physician embargoed such treats,
so i've taken the pledge
to eat nothing but veg;
using aldicarb helps me grow beets.
"
"in women i value astuteness;
smartness is better than cuteness.
a lass so endowed
states opinions aloud,
but she knows when to exercise muteness.
"
"a bee, not a bear or a bunny,
makes honeycombs, inside puts honey.
when an object's outside
looks like honeycomb, i'd
say alveolate, right on the money.
"
"when i visited oxford, i found
i had trouble in getting around;
no cabs to be had
in the streets.  ""this is bad.
it's ataxic,"" i said with a frown.
"
"the bedstead that stands in my bedroom
is lacking both foot-room and head-room.
it belonged to aunt kate,
who was just four-foot-eight,
so my husband sleeps out in the shed room.
"
"antiliberal radio hosts
are quite proud, one can hear in their boasts,
that they swung the election
in bush's direction ?
left only the east and west coasts.
"
"a beetle's a hardcover bug,
with an arthropod face for a mug,
while the beatles were all
(john, george, ringo, and paul),
liverpudlians i'd love to hug.
"
"a barbie doll, thin as a rake,
doesn't look like she ever eats cake.
a connection, subliminal,
to the nazi war criminal
klaus barbie would be a mistake.
"
"when the renaissance painter called giotto
ate and guzzled until he was blotto,
in cafes where he'd eat
he would order smoked meat?
in italian, that's affumicato.
"
"i have alliumphobia, so
i am careful, wherever i go,
that i don't get too near
to the garlic i fear,
for this foul-smelling food is my foe.
"
"though i'm failing in lit, i'm a fighter.
it's important to me, as a writer.
i've decided to cram
for my final exam,
so i'm ready to pull an all-nighter.
"
"agrizoophobia: that's
what you call my aversion to cats?
not the sweet little kitties
one finds in the cities?
but lions that swat us like gnats.
"
"my broker has bought me a block
of something called air pocket stock.
as he's sometimes malicious,
i'm feeling suspicious?
do you think i am in for a shock?
"
"the bandicoot comes from afar.
with her stripes and long snout, she's bizarre,
but she's never a grouch
with her pups in her pouch;
she's at home where marsupials are.
"
"adelgidae sounds like the song
of a chorus of angels, a throng
on the clouds o'er the cliff,
but it isn't, and if
you said plant lice, you wouldn't be wrong.
"
"it's a pity your patter fell flatter
than a pancake, but here was the matter:
as a chef on tv
you should never agree
to use seal cub puree in your batter.
"
"the highest rank he'll ever get
will be knight, or perhaps baronet,
but he's stupid to start
to sign himself bart.
when he hasn't been knighted as yet.
"
"though i had seven fish on my plate,
i had taken another.  i hate
to admit i've an ache
in my gut.  what's your take?
do you think it was something i ate?
"
"this brilliant young man would appear
to be manic six months of the year.
when enrolling at berkeley
he acted berserkly
and ended up out on his ear.
"
"in life's game, are you always a player,
not a runner, but rather a stayer?
one who's honest in deed
and works hard to succeed?
who is loyal, and not a betrayer?
"
"toward our goal all our energy pushes.
we are thoroughly beating the bushes
as we search for a star,
which is better by far
than a team that just sits on their tushes.
"
"for the dance i will need a new dress,
but the shops always charge to excess.
at the mall there's a gown
that is beigy (light brown),
and on sale, so i'll buy it...i guess.
"
"i'm in business, at last, with my chum.
will you help us by beating the drum?
talk us up, recommend
to each neighbor and friend:
to the  nom de blume room they should come.
"
"mom gets lovelier as she grows older.
when we tell her, she laughs; we get bolder.
then she turns it around,
saying beauty is found
in the eye of the loving beholder.
"
"a handsome young lover was acis,
with teeth that would never need braces.
he was killed by a rival,
so now he's archival,
in myths of the classical places.
"
"breaking rules, as when nations engage
in adventurism on the world stage,
often leads to disaster,
both small-scale and vaster;
it sends me right into a rage.
"
"anticultural: this term applies
to the people who scorn and despise
what's called music and art,
and they don't give a fart
for the literature most of us prize.
"
"my left eye just doesn't see right.
it's all blurred, even when there's strong light.
don't suggest that i'm dopey
to fear amblyopy,
a serious weakness of sight.
"
"the portrait he made of my sister
had her clothing all painted in bister.
""it's a dull yellow-brown,""
i remarked with a frown,
""dressed in red, 'twould be hard to resist her.""
"
"""education's a great cornucopia;
a degree is the key to utopia!""
(all i got from those crooks
as i pored over books
was a case of acute asthenopia.)
"
"since the growth of these germs is dramatic,
my response will be swift and emphatic.
i'll thwart with elation
their multiplication;
i'll use a bacteriostatic.
"
"you can read in most health magazines
what this ammoniuria means ?
that the smell of ammonia
will likely dethrone ya
if ever you pee in your jeans.
"
"though they're no longer common at all,
bengal tigers once thrived in bengal.
they're courageous and fierce,
with long canines that pierce,
but, endangered, their species may fall.
"
"my plant cannot be a provider
of shade, as you sit down beside 'er.
araneose, fine,
with a feminine line,
she is shaped like the web of a spider.
"
"a bacteria's function's exotic.
its competitive growth seems chaotic.
a bacteriocin
allows one strain to win
by producing an antibiotic.
"
"as a person in perfect control
of my future, through goal after goal,
their attainment i slate
for a far-distant date
(when i hope to be out on parole).
"
"anti-idiotype, i would guess,
is a globulin apt to suppress
another that fits
like an antigen.  it's
a root cause of immune system stress.
"
"this restaurant's quite atmospheric?
decor that's unique, not generic.
the food?  it is utter-
ly drowning in butter.
i fear the cuisine's cholesteric.
"
"my son's very bright; all the same,
his attendance at school is a shame.
his written excuses
are forgeries, ruses ?
could his cannabis use be to blame?
"
"there is more than just one aps,
and the letters are meant to address
those that seek without cease
either knowledge or peace
(or collections of stamps), i would guess.
"
"my psychiatrist won't let me be.
i feel useless; she doesn't agree.
while i'm autocritical,
she's analytical
and claims i am too hard on me.
"
"aulophobia's fear of the flute;
i've a case that's severe and acute.
just the thought makes me cringe,
but i really unhinge
and go ape at the very first toot.
"
"attendees at the president's fete
wore armani and blass, and looked great.
when i tried to get in,
a cop said with a grin,
""you're too kmart,"" and fastened the gate.
"
"the cop on the beat was discreet;
when cornered, he beat a retreat.
next he beat up a pest
who resisted arrest,
then he needed a rest?he was beat.
"
"in a medieval library, look
and you may find an animal book,
with a page for each beast,
where a monk or a priest
found a lesson in hound and in rook.
"
"an unfortunate man named macgregor
went from rising young yuppie to beggar
after losing his cash
in a stock market crash,
and from moderate drinker to kegger.
"
"eye candy is often a feast.
it is beauty that brings us, at least,
something sweet to admire;
but i'm bound to inquire
why it's so often paired with the beast.
"
"the sasquatch made off with aunt betty,
then yelled when she cooked him spaghetti,
""make tracks with your damn sauce;
us bigfeet like clam sauce!""
now she's out in tibet with a yeti.
"
"oh, what can i ever compare
with auburn, so naturally rare?
it is brown with red highlights ?
according to my lights,
the loveliest color for hair.
"
"a wiseguy from brooklyn called chuck
could always collect a fast buck.
a black-marketer, he
said about my tv:
""hell, it fell off the back of a truck!""
"
"some inks, and some paints, once you let them
go dry, will not smudge if you wet them.
they are bleed-proof; if sprayed
they won't run, smear or fade.
i expect you will rush out and get them.
"
"the bowerbird builds a fine house
in hopes of attracting a spouse.
if she likes it, they mate.
that will make him feel great,
but if not, he'll cry foul, and he'll grouse.
"
"my hairdresser says that its blueness
enhances this liquid's shampooness.
for a human or pet,
it's the best you can get,
and its hue won't engender tabooness.
"
"the scotsman was known for his brawn?
tossed the caber each dawn on the lawn.
but one braw windy day
it was swept right away.
""why it's gone with the wind,"" he said, ""blawn!""
"
"in this city, my uncle is mayor.
my aunt is d. trump's chief purveyor,
but my cousin's a brawler,
a battler, a mauler;
they refer to him as an ""affrayer.""
"
"his objective with beatrice was breeding.
neath her beading, he thought about seeding.
would she let him proceed?
did she, too, want to breed?
on his forehead the sweat began beading.
"
"our chromosomes may be complex,
but sorting them out shouldn't vex.
the most common by far,
autosomal ones are
all the ones not determining sex.
"
"the almon tree's one that beguiles.
from its wood you can make many styles
of home furniture. it's
very tall, and it sits
in the tropical philippine isles.
"
"a teenager, billy joe brock,
the most car-crazy kid on the block,
though he drives a jalopy,
is safe and not sloppy?
his brakes guaranteed antilock.
"
"if buildings, to you, are not pretty,
and you hate to breathe air that is gritty,
and like plain more than fancy,
and crowds make you antsy,
i fear you may be anticity.
"
"mom's sister, a dentist, aunt carrie
fell in love with a fellow named harry
while making him dentures,
where decay never ventures ?
aunty carrie's decided to marry.
"
"it's an ore that has copper and lead,
also bismuth and sulfur, it's said.
any mineral lover
will quickly discover
aciculite's boring in bed.
"
"since argus had one hundred eyes
he'd have made a fine guard, i surmise.
when punctilious sentries
block alien entries
they're vigilant, argus-eyed guys.
"
"the peasants don't need any coaching.
they know that the law's antipoaching,
but i still find their traps,
so i've brought in some chaps
who will soon put an end to encroaching.
"
"antiduelling laws were ignored,
and for centuries pistol and sword
gave one's honor its due,
while today we just sue
and draw blood through a hefty award.
"
"the black cosmos is not what you think?
not a hole in the sky, dark as ink.
it's the flowering plant
that i got from my aunt
when i'd hoped she would leave me her mink.
"
"my fruit-loving friend from havana
was so happy, he sang a hosanna.
""can you guess what i ate?
soft and sweet, it tastes great!""
""was it blue, pedro? java banana?""
"
"when my parents got married, they pledged
to live happily; both of them hedged.
now they're backbiting; that's
sort of fighting like cats,
but with slander, sarcastically edged.
"
"i thought i'd play hamlet, the day
i auditioned to be in the play;
but i'm osric and i
must, in playing him, try
to be foppish, beribboned, and fey.
"
"if a country makes nuclear threats,
it had better be hedging its bets,
since the balance of terror
leaves scant room for error,
but plenty of room for regrets.
"
"in the braw scottish township of perth, a
young lass got a gift.  ""what on earth? a
broad collar of lace!""
she remarked, ""in this case,
i thank heavens it's not a big bertha!""
"
"the berrylike germ streptococcus
can infect us in ways that would shock us.
while strep throat's a curse,
a blood poisoning's worse.
does this tiny bacterium mock us?
"
"to pull your limbs inwards, instruct
your muscles to tense 'til they're tucked
toward your midline.  what's wrong?
can't you do it?  be strong ?
please don't go to pieces, adduct!
"
"whether macintosh, spy, or delicious,
an apple is always nutritious,
and one eaten each day
keeps my doctor at bay
(he's my husband, so that's injudicious).
"
"doing english translations, one's liable
to find that the language is pliable.
an example i'll state:
in 1568
the word treacle appeared in the bible.
"
"in churches, wherever you stray
in the heart of the u. s. of a.
you may find, filled with mourners,
what're called amen corners,
where the loudest parishoners pray.
"
"i am seeking some jokes that befit
an occasion that calls for some wit.
i've been asked to emcee
at a nursing home tea,
so the four-letter words i'll omit.
"
"attending a gala?  then you
are attending a do. a do, too,
is your hair-comb, a style
that will surely beguile
when you bow and say, ""how do you do?""
"
"if you are the marketing czar
of your company, and if you are
on a search that entails
ways to double your sales,
trade with afta, a group from afar.
"
"men in space can obtain bird's-eye views
of the earth or the moon, if they choose,
that no bird ever would,
flying high as it could;
what technology astronauts use!
"
"as a budding ballet dancer, you
may decide to perform a battu.
make your feet come together,
as light as a feather;
collide, then divide them on cue.
"
"as a seasoned old salt, i'll expound:
to the right is astarboard, i've found.
and i'll further exhort:
to the left is  aport.
hmm...unless it's the other way round.
"
"in medieval warfare and strife
the battleaxe saved a knight's life.
though it helped him survive,
he won't come out alive
if he uses that word for his wife.
"
"amidol's not on the tab
from my drug-using days.  try a dab.
it won't make you feel loose;
it's a compound in use
in a photo-developer's lab.
"
"an arabic mathematician,
alhazen was a man with a mission.
his optics relied
on experiment, vied
with the sages, and broke with tradition.
"
"send a valentine card with a dove
and two hearts with a cupid above.
don't say ""roses are red,""
go for romance instead:
write ""amore"" (italian for love).
"
"perhaps you may find it inviting,
delighting, or even exciting.
like a warp's lively weft,
lines run right and then left;
it's a boustrophedonic-style writing.
"
"baskin-robbins? makes ice cream that's sweet.  it
alone or on pie is a treat.  it
is calorie-laden.
i caution each maiden:
be careful how often you eat it.
"
"a bank holiday, sunny and breezy,
means i don't have to work; life is easy.
banks are closed, but it's funny,
cut off from my money,
i'm always a little bit queasy.
"
"stefan banach discovered a space,
an abstract mathematical place,
and if banach were here,
it would all be quite clear.
i am sure he'd explain it with grace.
"
"the wizards of old kept maintaining
they could slaughter en masse without straining,
so they knocked off a crew
with a poisonous brew,
and they spoke of the process as baning.
"
"the word agminate means ""grouped together,""
especially glands; don't know whether
it's generally used
(and it's here i'm confused)
to mean ""flocked,"" as in ""birds of a feather.""
"
"if he's running for office, he'll win,
though his record hides many a sin.
ask me how i can tell
that this fellow is swell?
well, he backslaps each time he comes in.
"
"a torch in the prisoner's hand,
begging mercy, in penance he'd stand.
to the court he'd present
his amende, and repent,
with a rope round his neck like a band.
"
"i object to your prejudice, betty.
hating everything foreign is petty!
don't be a rapscallion
who's anti-italian;
just practice?you'll soon love spaghetti.
"
"you won't get a nobel or a cup;
you'll be treated (and paid) like a pup;
but it's good if you win
an assistantship?in
academia, that's a step up.
"
"he seemed to be bright and gregarious,
but his motives, i fear, were nefarious
when he sold me this land.
what he promised was grand,
but the soil on my farm's arenarious.
"
"you're a bully, and that i despise.
don't beat up on those meek little guys!
that one's light, half your height;
if you're spoiling to fight,
pick on someone who's more your own size!
"
"from the customers: ""boycott the store,
since the produce is moldy; what's more,
all the staff are big jerks!""
from the owners and clerks:
""we are all antiboycott,"" they swore.
"
"are you ready?  then start your ignition
for the autocross car competition.
we'll test drivers' skills,
but we don't expect spills
like the derby that courts demolition.
"
"an investor (not one of the gang)
is naive and goes down with a bang;
he plays hard and too fast,
leaves the brokers aghast:
barefoot pilgrim in stock-market slang.
"
"an armored car stood by the door.
i had dated this bozo before,
and we'd travelled by bus
or by cab.  why the fuss?
is he planning to hold up a store?
"
"anthophyllite: god made it to test us.
i don't know if it cursed us or blessed us.
can you give me the answer?
in lungs it breeds cancer
but it fireproofs (it's an asbestos).
"
"till my anklebones mended, i stayed
at the home of the dame with the maid,
so my uncle wooed, daily,
the chambermaid, gaily.
now their marital chamber's been laid.
"
"my dog is a bichon fris??
looks effeminate, people may say.
but arrange that he meet
with a bitch that's in heat,
and you'll say, ""hey, no way is he gay.""
"
"if you're pushing real hard on a wall,
and, of course, you can't move it at all,
sometimes kohnstamm's phenomenon
occurs, since it's common on
occasions when reason may pall.
"
"barbina's a pasta. my hunch
is you'd like some with meat sauce for lunch?
not in tubules?instead,
it's a long twisted thread
that is curled in a flavorful bunch.
"
"my friend's anticlerical speech
made phenomenal efforts to teach
separation of state
from those prelates who prate
their political creeds when they preach.
"
"abstruse mathematical terms?
i avoid them like virulent germs!
look up anallagmatic?
i'm downright emphatic:
i'd rather go out and dig worms.
"
"in his workshop, the artist vermeer
keeps a rod called an artist's bridge near,
and he rests his right hand
on this firm wooden band
so the paints on his canvas don't smear.
"
"acclimating fever may hit
if you work in the tropics, and it
is exceedingly hot.
if your head hurts a lot,
and your temperature rises, just quit!
"
"some alcohol comes in a jug;
other kinds, in a wine glass or mug.
but however one serves it,
great care it deserves.  it
is not just a drink, but a drug.
"
"my father-in-law, name of lionel,
borrowed all of my records in vinyl.
he destroyed my collection;
i'm screwed to perfection?
can't sue him because we're affinal.
"
"athazagoraphobia's bad;
it's the scariest fear that i've had.
i'm afraid i'll forget?
that's not all, what's worse yet?
that i'll soon be forgotten.  how sad!
"
"if a foreign invasion you spot,
and you're thinking of taking a shot
with artillery that
will knock your foe flat?
augustinian canons? guess not!
"
"don't complain that your mom was a whore,
or your dad made you sleep on the floor.
we will stress ""here and now,""
change your actions. i vow
i'm behaviorist, ma'am, to the core.
"
"he is irish and calls me his boy-o.
it's a word he will often employ-o.
i think it means ""lad,""
and that makes me feel bad?
as i'm female, it brings me no joy-o.
"
"i wanted to stitch something big
in bargello, a style that i dig,
but my piece looks psychotic;
its pattern's chaotic.
i zagged where i should have gone zig.
"
"i'm in need of a hat, it appears,
so i'll go down and get one at sears.
i'll buy millinery. when
might i buy some again?
it's bimillenary (2,000 years).
"
"an evening at home with the mahlers:
""i said birth control, gus!"" alma hollers,
""i had asked if you'd please
go and buy iuds?
what you brought was australian dollars!""
"
"a writer who dug marcel proust
sought to give his career a great boost.
though he worked on a novel
and lived in a hovel,
a booklet was all he produced.
"
"it weighs seventy-five billion tons,
and it flies and it walks and it runs,
and it swims in the sea,
and contains you and me;
the sheer volume of biomass stuns.
"
"in france a penurious peasant,
while hoeing, discovered a bezant.
he stopped and ran home
with his gold from old rome,
and gave thanks to the lord for his present.
"
"aunt imelda, whose blood was patrician,
once deigned to consult a beautician,
saying, ""make my niece, nelly,
look just like grace kelly.""
he replied, ""i am not a magician.""
"
"he gets jilted and goes on a binge,
drinks so much that it makes people cringe.
when his drinking stops, he's
got a case of d.t.'s,
with his mind in a state of unhinge.
"
"a biopic tells a life story,
heroic, pathetic, or hoary.
in a film for tv
or the movies, you'll see
that they aim for the gore and the glory.
"
"an antileukemic-type drug
can't kill off a virus or bug.
it's a treatment for cancer
of blood cells?the answer
for kids who need more than a hug.
"
"if your plans are naive and simplistic
and your outlook is too optimistic,
your agenda, it seems,
made of daft blue-sky dreams,
won't succeed as it's unrealistic.
"
"i would love to collect blanc de chine.
i would treasure each white figurine
made in china, they say,
long ago, far away.
it is porcelain fit for a queen.
"
"a bootblack gives footwear a shine
using wax and a buffer. that's fine.
but his efforts will be
rather bootless with me;
as i'm bootless, he'll never buff mine.
"
"to believe in your fanciful schemes
and make life more serene than it seems,
try my magic elixir,
drunk straight with no mixer;
you'll find me a bottler of dreams.
"
"did you know wine is sold in a box?
in a bag made of plastic that locks
out the air that can harm?
make the wine lose its charm.
give me box wines the connoisseur mocks!
"
"they bombarded for twenty-four hours;
no more people, or houses, or flowers.
the town gave them trouble;
now it's nothing but rubble
and a paean to gunnery's powers.
"
"when i'm working, it's easily seen
that my work suit is uniform green;
but there's many a scholar
who calls me blue-collar.
are they color-blind, daft, or just mean?
"
"her jacket is made of boucl?,
so it's lumpy, with bumps, one might say,
made of yarn that's in use?
one of three strands is loose?
by both knitters and those who crochet.
"
"here's an herb that's a lollapalooza
if your favorite flowers are blues?a
short bush with the blooms
that will brighten your rooms:
it's a plant of the genus anchusa.
"
"we use bondstones when building your wall
to add strength, and they're placed so they're all
laid with axes right through
the wall's thickness, so you
may be sure that the wall will not fall.
"
"think of lacewings and ladybugs. you
will think dainty and sweet; i would too.
but their flesh-eating scions
are called aphis lions?
carnivorous beasts through and through.
"
"many arrow loops set in the wall
of his castle, with archers on call
to the will of their liege,
made it likely a siege
wouldn't cause the earl's castle to fall.
"
"for artillators, arrows and bows
are the products they craft, and it shows
when they're peddling their wares
at the markets and fairs?
whither archers, the artiller goes.
"
"by accessory organs i mean
those extras that sometimes are seen.
without asking permission,
they're there in addition?
surprise!?a spare kidney or spleen.
"
"i'm so dizzy, i can't read a line;
my heart pounds, i can't breathe, but i pine.
with the symptoms above?
diagnosis? in love!
and this verse? an accessory sign.
"
"if you've anthropophobia, you're
too afraid to proceed through your door.
because human society
engenders anxiety,
you seldom go out any more.
"
"bariatrics: the study of folks
so obese they're in danger of strokes.
they're excessively fat,
and a reason for that?
all the steaks and the cakes and the cokes!
"
"the doctors in acog are givers
of care that would give me the shivers.
when you're pregnant, in labor,
don't call for your neighbor;
remember that acog delivers!
"
"the acorn-shell lives on a rock
or the hull of a ship, or a dock.
once it lands, it stays put,
holding on with its foot,
though it hasn't a shoe or a sock.
"
"it's designed on an axial plan?
the cathedral in old kazakhstan.
as i walked down the nave,
i was tempted to rave:
can kazakhs build a church? yes they can!
"
"articulacy: that is the state
of being articulate. rate
all your friends in this way:
can they easily say
""articulacy"" seven times straight?
"
"arenicola: genus of worms
that will jiggle and wiggle like sperms,
so we use them for bait,
for a fish, not a mate,
as with fish they're on intimate terms.
"
"my cousin's a bolshie, a commie.
it makes her a terrible mommy.
she cooks for her brood
using only red food,
and they're living on borscht and salami.
"
"in decameron, many a dish
can engender a sexual wish;
thus boccaccio wrote.
but it sticks in my throat
that bocaccio's also a fish.
"
"anchormen read us the news,
and they don't often give us their views.
they're the first and the last
on each videocast,
looking dignified, hairpiece to shoes.
"
"i was ogling ""mam'selles"" when i spied
a french bonne. she was giving a ride
to some tots in a pram.
i decided to scram
when ""who wants to buy children?"" she cried.
"
"if an arm is torn off from the trunk
and the body is covered in gunk,
then the limb's been avulsed,
and we may feel repulsed
when we look at the grim-looking hunk.
"
"certain roaches are known as black beetles;
they scurry along on six feetles.
they're not beetles, and so:
coleoptera? no!
they ran off with the name. indiscreetles!
"
"she delights in the ""man in the street""
and the working class women she'll meet.
she abhors upper classes:
as one of the masses,
i'd say she is antielite.
"
"an acidhead likes to get high
and watch beautiful visions go by,
but just one hit too many
and he'll grow antennae
and, like gregor samsa, may die.
"
"we had stopped off to buy lemonade,
but my friends grabbed the drinks once i'd paid.
tray in hand, i was left
of refreshment bereft;
quite un-aded, though i was betrayed.
"
"bring diversity into our crew!
i want multiethnicity too!
i want folks of all races
from far-away places.
does this guy look bluish to you?
"
"herewith i unravel the history
of the triangle shrouded in mystery:
in the sea off bermuda,
a huge barracuda
eats boats and our brother-and-sistery.
"
"doctors ordered a test; you are tense.
the reagent is testing for bence-
jones, a protein one sees
in a dreaded disease,
so you feel you may die of suspense.
"
"my dissolute son who's a rover
returned thursday evening from dover.
his clothing was mud-shot;
his eyes were all bloodshot.
i figured he must be hung-over.
"
"a limerick's not very roomy?
five lines (i write six and they'll sue me).
here's one about flowers
i worked on for hours;
you'll have to admit that it's bloomy.
"
"someone's bedridden when he is ill
with a more-than-a-run-of-the-mill
kind of illness.  he's bedfast,
pathology's steadfast,
and chances for walking are nil.
"
"a mural he wanted to paint,
of a landscape, both rural and quaint.
as he's not a vermeer,
he'd bedaub and besmear;
but alas, jackson pollock he ain't.
"
"a good mentor's not easy to find.
though the guru i follow is blind,
he insists on one stricture:
that i see the big picture.
he means i must open my mind.
"
"there are landlubbers, sorry to note,
who on shipboard are dumb as a goat;
but my ire hits a pinnacle
when they sit on the binnacle,
where the compass is housed, on my boat.
"
"on a bicycle tour across britain
i met kit and was instantly smitten,
astonished, agape ?
her amentiform shape,
like a catkin (old dutch for a kitten).
"
"i would rather make pots out of ball clay
than that plastic-you-buy-at-the-mall clay.
until fired, it's dark,
then it's white?what a lark!
and it's permanent, once-and-for-all clay.
"
"nymphomaniac's commonly known
as the word for a woman who's prone
to have sex, on and on,
like a female don juan;
she's a true andromaniac clone.
"
"i surely don't mean to confuse
with my antimaterialist views.
my spirituality
rules my mentality.
my yacht just arrived?let's go cruise.
"
"""art for art's sake,"" he loudly proclaimed,
""and i'm sure 'best in show' i'll be named!""
i examined his strokes,
and said, ""this is a hoax!""
he replied, ""it's not mine?i've been framed!""
"
"miss bo peep was a shepherdess who
lost her flock?what a dumb thing to do!
but to each, i would guess,
she'd attached gps,
as they all made it home before two.
"
"black spot has appeared on the leaves
of the bushes that grow neath the eaves.
i can't cope with this mess?
my reaction to stress?
i just call my valet, ""hoy there, jeeves!""
"
"said a joiner in london named andy
(with all kinds of tools he was handy),
""all the works of kit marlowe
can't equal my barlow,
a jacknife as cheap as it's dandy.""
"
"romanesque? to such churches i nod.
though their scale may be massive, it's odd
that their style is immortal;
curved archwise, each portal
invites us to celebrate god.
"
"if a man's done you wrong, you accuse
him of cheating, deceit, or a ruse.
but don't sell the guy short;
if you bring him to court
and your foe countersues, you may lose.
"
"king henry the eighth often bedded
young women, and several he wedded.
but each candidate bride
felt a terror inside
as she dreaded she might be beheaded.
"
"you've a girlfriend you've known since your teens,
but a robot may lurk in her genes.
if you two were a match
would automata hatch?
(they are people who act like machines.)
"
"the word aryan wasn't a sad word,
meant a family (never a fad word)
of tongues.  in its place
hitler wrote ""master race""
and turned aryan into a bad word.
"
"thanks to bees, this small insect can thrive;
far from bees, it would never survive.
this wee bug's called a bee louse;
it lives in a bee house
by parasitizing the hive.
"
"aspidistra's a plant that george orwell
wrote a novel about, and what's more, well
it's green and grows tall,
not distinguished at all;
it's a plant one might choose to ignore well.
"
"you've a blotch on your face?that's the rumor?
and it isn't a subject for humor.
if it's painless and red
it may be, the doc said,
a benign angiomatous tumor.
"
"it is no easy task to afford
years of study and sacrifice toward
attaining enlightenment,
a mystical heightenment,
but arhatship ? that's the reward.
"
"anoplura: a word that's not nice?
no, it isn't a crime or a vice.
it's the name of a pest
that's an unwelcome guest:
it's a group that includes sucking lice.
"
"consider the turkish bashaw.
his title has many a flaw.
it's a word not much heard
because pasha's preferred,
and his ranking's, now, not worth a straw.
"
"a bondsman works hard, although he
isn't paid for his work. he's not free.
he's an esne, or slave,
and may toil to his grave.
he is someone i'd rather not be.
"
"in art school you're likely to learn
of the use of what's called anti-cerne.
space where canvas shows white
between fields that are bright
forms a line that no fauvist would spurn.
"
"the bilbos were swords used by swordsmen
who fought for their lieges?the lord's men?
while bimbos are gals
guys solicit as pals,
as they're prone to be liberal towards men.
"
"your physician-in-chief, when you're spending
some time in the hospital, mending
(if you feel at a loss,
call him capo or boss),
in america's called your attending.
"
"examine an amazon's chest
and i'm sure you'll be greatly impressed.
you don't need a physician
to name her condition,
amastia: missing a breast.
"
"i pray that you ladies excuse
my three sneezes, with forceful ""achoos.""
so fast did they issue,
i hadn't a tissue;
i fear i have moistened your shoes.
"
"while my stockbroker says she envisions
a portfolio safe from misprisions,
excessive analysis
has caused a paralysis
that keeps her from making decisions.
"
"an american hybrid, it's true,
is the grape that resulted when you
crossed a deutsch or francais
with a u. s. of a.
it's a mix of the old world and new.
"
"my dog is bilingual, and how!
he can bark, and of course say, ""bow wow,""
but he's also at ease
with a smart siamese.
he just winks his right eye and cries, ""meow!""
"
"my order was bulky and large,
so the company shipped it by barge,
but the barge hit a buoy
just north of saint louis;
no way will i pay portage charge!
"
"only an airhead would post
a limerick on how to make toast.
off a loaf cut one slice,
brown in toaster till nice,
smear with butter. delicious? the most!
"
"in cdx, rome was sacked.
the empire's defenses just cracked.
the visigoths pretty
well burned up the city
when alaric's army attacked.
"
"though my boyfriend's uncommonly lazy,
there's one thing he'll work for like crazy.
he'll chop lumber, fell trees
for a piece of that cheese
that we usually call bel paese.
"
"alhenna's a shrub that is seen
in arabian gardens. it's keen.
though its leaves are boiled down
to make dye that is brown,
it's from arabic, meaning ""turn green.""
"
"in my grandfather's testament, he
left the family business to me
in the hope it would stay
in a family way,
but it's now donald trump's acquiree.
"
"accumulation diseases they're styled,
and they often occur in a child.
altered enzymes go wrong
in the cell; before long
extra chemical products lie piled.
"
"bought a plant from jose hinojosa?
when i saw it, i shouted, ?qu? cosa?
he claimed it to be
an albizia;  gee,
i was sure that the plant was mimosa.
"
"aminopterin: chemical that's
of no use to build proteins or fats.
you would not want to eat it
or serve as a treat; it
is used as a poison for rats.
"
"if you want your dyed fabrics to last,
and your luck has been bad in the past,
so that acid won't fade
every color and shade,
just be sure that your dye's acid fast.
"
"my therapy's reached a paralysis;
i'm so long on the couch, i've got calluses.
i must find someone who
tells me what i should do,
in an active-type psychoanalysis.
"
"an old bachelor stated, ""i need
a young wife to assure that i breed.""
when he met bernadette,
a brunette bachelorette,
she agreed, ""yes, indeed! let's proceed!""
"
"what to say when hawaiians go by,
when aloha's ""hello"" and ""goodbye""?
don't you worry, 'cause they
will respond either way;
the distinction just doesn't apply.
"
"antiliberalism, it seems,
is the basis for g.o.p. schemes
to convince all the blue states
(those liberal zoo-states)
to follow republican dreams.
"
"neath a headdress of mail, fighters wore
an arming cap, which added more
to protecting the head
so that blood wasn't shed
in a battle?that's what it was for!
"
"if you like to think  out-of-the-box,
study fossils that hide in the rocks,
like the acrodus (classic),
a fish that's triassic.
i found one; it knocked off my socks.
"
"when my husband divorced me, i said,
""i want alimony!"" then he saw red,
yelled, ""i won't pay a cent
toward your food or your rent!""
i got acrimony from him instead.
"
"the coffee he brewed seemed accursed;
when i drank some, i felt i would burst.
it  was viscous as blood,
with the flavor of mud,
but the aftertaste?that was the worst!
"
"""big brotherism!""?so screams the press
when the governor, in an address,
says the state ought to know
when we come, where we go;
""i just want to fight crime!"" he'll profess.
"
"for repair of my woofer i've paid,
but it's now much too loud, i'm afraid.
though he'd fix and install it,
joe won't take my call?it
displays a gross baseness, high grade!
"
"auntie lil has created a stir?
no, she hasn't seduced the chauffeur?
she'd worn mink with restraint,
but she now throws red paint.
antifur? what's the matter with her?
"
"so you've taken up milking? oh, wow!
here's a tip as you're studying how:
take particular care
of the afterings?they're
those few squirts that come last from the cow.
"
"all the drap'ries are made of brocade?
heavy silk?what a fortune you paid!
they're a magnet for dust,
so, my dearest, i trust
that you'll go out and find me a maid.
"
"the blackcap's a dulcet-voiced bird,
in the u.k. increasingly heard.
as the male birds wear yarmulkes,
they may appear comic-ous,
but alleging they're jewish?  absurd!
"
"while cotton is sold by the bale,
by the pint we acquire our ale.
by the pair we buy shoes
and?what else comes in twos??
by the brace we may purchase our quail.
"
"alectorides: here is a pleasant
way to classify birds. there's a pheasant,
a cock, and a hen;
they're affordable when
you're a king or a lord, not a peasant.
"
"though my prospects for winning are slim,
and i seldom buy clothes on a whim,
for this twenty-mile run
in the hot summer sun,
i have purchased a hat with a brim.
"
"a break's what i'm planning to take,
after breaking each promise i make;
but i promise i'll do
what i've promised to you.
hey, quit laughing, and give me a break!
"
"an achenium's one kind of breed
of a fruit about which you may read;
indehiscent (no split),
single-seeded, and it
is so bare that it's called naked seed.
"
"my dog has a bothersome feature:
throw a stick and she sits.  i can't teach her.
so it's frustrating, but
when compared to this mutt,
my cat is the balkier creature.
"
"in old greece, certain shoemakers scrape
all their leather with knives of this shape.
of three half-circles made,
it's a beautiful blade?
plane geometry leaves me agape!
"
"when he looks at a girl, it is comical.
his appraisals are all anatomical,
and her muscles a factor?
can she manage a tractor?
guess his view of the world's agronomical.
"
"while rickets can make your bones weak
and pellagra discolor your cheek,
acute beriberi
can make you sick, very ?
of avitaminosis i speak.
"
"i'm my uncle's attorney-in-fact
since we learned that the old boy is cracked,
so i tend his affairs,
buy him bonds, sell his shares;
in his stead i can legally act.
"
"bananas go bad in a rush
in the fridge; in one day they are slush.
if they're left on the sink
for a fortnight, i think,
they will also be morphed into mush.
"
"my son wants to be a big wheel
in politics.  here's how i feel:
unless he's a saint
(and i know that he ain't)
he must master the art of the deal.
"
"from the time the first humans gave birth?
started breeding for all they were worth?
to the present (this topic
is known as anthropic),
our species has conquered the earth.
"
"i observed, in disquieted mood,
an armlike appendage protrude.
i reacted with dread;
as it reached for my head,
i became altogether unglued.
"
"we pay farmers to quit growing crops
and give loans to build housing and shops.
politicians who vow
""antisubsidy now!""
might be out of a job if it stops.
"
"is your window so dirty that we
try to use it, but simply can't see?
would you like to look through it?
don't know how to do it?
ammoniate  glass ? that's the key.
"
"a man and his dog in a barque
that was cut from a log in the park
may by night try to sneak,
quite unheard, up the creek,
if the dog doesn't bark in the dark.
"
"an amensalist pairing you've got
when two creatures both live in one spot,
their liaison unequal,
not sharing ? the sequel:
one's harmed and the other is not.
"
"a basket star clings to a stone,
its multi-branched arms clearly shown,
but a basketball star
is more famous by far,
and the groupies won't let him alone.
"
"""but fashion dictates it be trim-less!""
he said of his cap, which was brimless;
but i think he is clueless
(he also goes shoeless)?
i shortly expect to be him-less.
"
"the blindfish, as one might surmise,
is a fish with nonfunctional eyes.
it will often be found
in a cave underground,
which i doubt  will be any surprise.
"
"as i study his face, my pen slides
across bristol board.  swiftly it glides
as i draw my friend walter.
it's nice: if i falter,
i can flip it and draw on both sides.
"
"i met up with a wealthy marquis;
he's the briber and i the bribee.
when he pays me each week
i allow him to peek
at the dancers in dressing room d.
"
"though she searched for six months in beijing
for a vase that was genuine ming,
and made several stops
in a number of shops,
in the end she bought nary a thing.
"
"the shock waves spread out from the center,
as i witnessed the blast with my mentor.
we could see the brisance,
and i thought, for the nonce,
of his grief as this a-bomb's inventor.
"
"throughout all my life, i've been struck
by old wives' tales that people can't chuck.
when a mirror is broken,
it's seen as a token
that surely will bring on bad luck.
"
"now i'm older, and sometimes i find
that i'll enter a room in a bind.
i forget why i'm there,
and it gives me a scare,
if there's nothing that brings it to mind.
"
"my daughter is pretty, and thin.
to ""come out,"" all her lifetime has been
her fond wish, but no doubt,
if i bring the girl out
lots of cash i will have to bring in.
"
"an infection may well be chaotic,
and its treatment may be quite exotic,
but the neighborhood doc
will rely on his stock
of a broad-spectrum antibiotic.
"
"years ago a benevolent boss,
good at puzzles, both down and across,
once provided a word
of which i'd never heard:
amphithecium, cells within moss.
"
"you're a fish; your milieu is aquatic?
say your sleep is disturbed and chaotic?
don't put up with the tsuris;
go see acanthurus,
the doctorfish, for a hypnotic.
"
"your experience won't be amiss,
and your farm will bring heavenly bliss,
if your soil's rich (that's swell),
and you irrigate well,
and the breed of your cows is brown swiss.
"
"in a tone that is angry and bilious,
you declare i am over-punctilious,
but you're wrong!  i'm appalled;
'cause the browridge is called
superciliary, not supercilious!
"
"one of man's diabolical tricks:
add some brucine to alcohol; mix.
it's denatured?don't drink it,
and don't even think it
makes sense, or you'll be in a fix!
"
"i wouldn't be one to attack
his brown-bagging, behind jackie's back,
but i do have a hunch
that it isn't his lunch
that he carries around in a sack.
"
"breakbone fever's  a terrible threat?
a disease let's just hope we don't get.
we would lie there and moan
from the pain in the bone;
it's a virus we'd live to regret.
"
"once a witch who emerged from her tomb
tried to fly in the sky, through the gloom,
but the fog proved a glitch;
she was pitched in a ditch
when she landed her broom in the brume.
"
"our breastbones reside in our chests,
just beneath and between our two breasts.
and we never should spurn 'em;
we all need a sternum?
it's there that our clavicle rests.
"
"this brushwood perhaps will inspire
our leader to build us a fire,
'cause this campsite's so cold
and i want to grow old?
if i die i don't get to retire.
"
"at the breaking point, most people lose it;
if there's some way to help, i will choose it.
when i see someone quake,
i don't make a mistake.
there's a crisis? i try to defuse it.
"
"""had a hat with a sun-shading brim,""
said mckim, as he left on a whim
to retrieve what he'd lost
in the desert he'd crossed.
now they're searching death valley for him.
"
"when an eagle is soaring, he's king,
and to aerodynamics he'll bring
what to us is a thumb,
but in birds has become
just an alula (spurious wing).
"
"i picked cherries today with my brother,
to make gifts for our father and mother.
while our mom likes them candied,
our dad prefers brandied;
i'll soak one half in booze, not the other.
"
"when i say that my sister is bratty,
don't imagine i'm just being catty.
she smeared grease from a duck
on our hamburgers (yuck!),
then complained to our mom, ""they're too fatty!""
"
"in voting, a long time ago,
a black ball implied ""anti"", not ""pro"";
so you blackball (reject
from a group or a sect)
when you ostracize someone you know.
"
"he enlisted a whole entourage
to build a remote hermitage.
with his colleagues and friends,
who supplied odds and ends,
he constructed a grand bricolage.
"
"a binger's a ravenous dude,
who can drink till he's horribly stewed,
or a terrible pig
who has cravings so big
he can eat up a mountain of food.
"
"an assassinator's someone who kills
and will seldom use poisonous pills;
he prefers the job done
with a high-powered gun
for political motives and thrills.
"
"her breakfront stands next to the wall,
holding porcelain, china, and all,
but she lives on a fault
where the quakes never halt,
so her treasures are likely to fall.
"
"a breviary may be quite small,
but it helps us to answer the call
for the prayer, hymn, or psalm
that restores us to calm,
since this wise little book has them all.
"
"as long as you're male, and alive, it's
a tenet you'll need to survive.  it's
not polite to go bare,
so at least you must wear
a breechcloth to cover your privates.
"
"jackie mason makes many a crack,
and he's rude when he jokes and talks back.
would we want him more placid?
his wit is so acid?
will life ever basify jack?
"
"we're the live-music hub of the world,
where the lone star is proudly unfurled.
we're a hot high-tech place
with a wild breakneck pace?
to futurity austin is hurled.
"
"use a broad-brush approach when you speak,
or the crowd may assume you're a geek.
don't get mired in detail?
their attention will fail,
and you'll be without paddle, upcreek.
"
"psychiatrists know that the brain
is the seat of our pain; so explain
why proctologists go
to a place down below?
there the anus may pain us, it's plain.
"
"an oracle's somebody smart
who can forecast the future, impart
good advice, delphic style
to the ancient greeks, while
an auricle's part of the heart.
"
"for my breakfast, i'm always a fan
of a cereal made out of bran.
it's not a vulgarity
to prize regularity?
so try some as soon as you can.
"
"the farmer went out to carouse
in the barn, with the sows and the cows.
he passed out in a coma
mid their pungent aroma.
to lift him, we needed to bouse.
"
"he was bristling when asked to define
the word brisling, while starting to dine,
but defined it, unerring,
""it's a sprat or a herring.
now i'll eat some, in sauce made with wine.""
"
"my boyfriend is singing my praises.
my broadness, he says, just amazes;
but a question, i find:
does he speak of my mind
or my backside? it's there that he gazes!
"
"first editions i never would hide.
a bookend supports either side
of the row on my shelf,
and i dust them myself
as they're priceless, and grandfather's pride.
"
"i am glad to report the prognosis
is benign for your skin's acanthosis.
one layer's grown thicker;
cells multiply quicker.
(no need for a panic neurosis!)
"
"boron's an element?sure?
number five on the table.  if you're
on a quest that is chronic,
its object boronic,
in nature, you won't find it pure.
"
"my vet said it's painful to tell,
but my horses are not doing well;
and my mare, he believes,
broken-winded, has heaves.
hey, what is that malodorous smell?
"
"our accountant, i fear, is a fount
of deception.  say, what's this amount
he deducted?  just look!
we must bring him to book,
and his bookkeeper, bring to account.
"
"born in europe, with nary a gill,
depth psychology gave him a thrill.
he was more pedagogical
than ichthyological?
not  turbot, but abraham brill.
"
"i've signed up for a service on-line,
for a match that i hope they'll assign.
what i want's a fat cat,
or a navy brass hat,
or a guy in whom both traits combine.
"
"to protect my small village from harm,
should disaster engender alarm,
i have joined the brigade
that provides us first aid.
now i wear a brassard on my arm.
"
"if a paper's a broadsheet, it's wide?
lots of room for the news packed inside.
those in tabloid-style formats,
no larger than doormats,
print stories the others deride.
"
"a barathrum: he cannot be sated.
an abyss in his soul was created,
like the chasm, well-known,
where the traitors were thrown
in old athens.  the words are related.
"
"i am hitchhiking (picture this scene)
on a cold but a clear halloween.
on her broomstick, a witch
stops and gives me a hitch;
now we're pictured in time magazine.
"
"my dentist is very exciting,
so breathtakingly wild and inviting.
he said, ""this will be thrilling!""
and started a filling,
so i said, ""please put that in writing!""
"
"your vegan beau aims to entice,
but his manner's not cultured or nice.
yet you needn't abolish
his suit?he lacks polish,
like his favorite side-dish, brown rice.
"
"i am pondering biogeography.
it might best be expressed in photography
made by cameras in space?
it's the map of the place
of biota, by using chorography.
"
"when i visit museums of art,
certain paintings can capture my heart.
from afar they engross,
but when seen from up close,
it's their brushwork that sets them apart.
"
"the root bryony, given to lepers,
in hopes it would make them high-steppers,
just produced a great urge
to throw up, or to purge;
you'd be better off giving them peppers.
"
"when i notice this sexy young skirt,
i act charming, i smile, and i flirt.
she replies with a blunt
brusquerie, and i grunt;
i feel hurt when a skirt is so curt.
"
"if you're kicked in the ankle, then you
may observe that it turns black-and-blue,
but this bruise or contusion
should breed no confusion.
the blood pigment causes the hue.
"
"some workforces shrink by attrition,
while others, in drastic condition,
by layoffs of workers,
both yeomen and shirkers,
who flock to the bowery mission.
"
"ardent spirits?a term i would use
to express eighteenth century views,
as did benjamin rush
when he spoke of a lush?
though today i would just call it booze.
"
"my boyfriend's acceptably bred,
and acceptably skillful in bed.
he's acceptably clever
in any endeavor?
alas, unacceptably, wed.
"
"a person we call acidotic
is neither on drugs nor psychotic?
perhaps diabetic,
or a diet-ascetic
whose blood acid level's chaotic.
"
"what are smooth, with the softness of heather?
(hint: barbicels hold them together.)
and the answer is . . . wings!
while what barbasol brings
is a shave that is light as a feather.
"
"this canine did not wear a muzzle.
his name is in many a puzzle.
from nick, asta'd get
the occasional pet,
and from nora the twice-a-day nuzzle.
"
"a man full of hatred and spite
considered himself antiwhite.
he was antiblack too;
challenged anyone who
wasn't purple and blue to a fight.
"
"there's no fun in anginal attacks,
when you feel you've been hit with an ax;
you grab hold of your chest
and you hope for the best
and you pray that your vessels relax.
"
"an aficionado who goes
to see ladies in swimsuits in rows
gets glimpses and glimmers
of divers and swimmers
at aquacades (musical shows).
"
"antisepsis means everything's clean
with no virus or germ to be seen.
antisepsis goes far
in the modern o.r.
where it's used for preventing gangrene.
"
"words we no longer use make me smile,
and i've got them stacked up in a pile;
so i punch up my prose
with the words no one knows,
when i write in another-guess style.
"
"though bony, these fish won't embarrass;
they're served in the bistros of paris.
the alose, or allis
is served in a palace?
saut? some clupea vulgaris!
"
"i am never depressed when it's light,
but i suffer from blues in the night.
when it's twilight i frown;
like the sun, i go down.
would a sunlamp be helpful? it might.
"
"the antimonopolist fell
to adele's irresistible spell,
under which he agreed
to abandon his creed?
now he works for the opec cartel.
"
"my neighbor just loved kiddie porn.
he would watch it from midnight to morn.
though surprised when arrested
he didn't protest it,
but wished that he'd never been born.
"
"his new england estate is baronial;
his intentions, it seems, matrimonial,
but he makes the demand
she do housework by hand
in the style of the goodwife colonial.
"
"in planning our wedding, joe's idle,
thinking all the expense should be bridal.
but i fear with a chill
if my dad foots the bill,
then the banquet will be barmecidal.
"
"""please back-check my order.""  the clerk,
who it seems was not suited to work,
and was also quite cocky,
thought i'd spoken of hockey,
put his skates on, and left.  what a jerk!
"
"my new senator (he's still probationary)
hasn't written new laws, remains stationary.
since prices are high,
i won't vote for this guy
till his platform is anti-inflationary.
"
"when they stormed the bastille, the ecstatic
canaille were ferocious, fanatic,
but the french revolution
made a great contribution:
its theme, antiaristocratic.
"
"since some microbes have found an oasis
in my bowel, i've made that the basis
for swearing on oath
to inhibit their growth;
what i pledge is bacteriostasis.
"
"when you think of a side dish that's nice,
and goes well with cuisine rich in spice,
and is pleasant to eat,
with a fragrance that's sweet,
then you think of basmati, the rice.
"
"the girls singing ballads and chanteys
were dressed in their bras and their panties.
while playing strip poker,
some hard-hearted joker
convinced them their dresses were antes.
"
"when the snowfall is up to your knees,
here's a product that's certain to please ?
once you've dug out your car,
tried to start it, you are
going nowhere without antifreeze.
"
"where to learn about tadpole morphology?
or a bullfrog's unique musicology?
where to send our recruits
for the study of newts?
the department of amphibiology.
"
"in present-day china, a boy
planned a voyage he hoped to enjoy.
he began this fine trip
in xiamen, on a ship ?
in the old days, xiamen was amoy.
"
"in england, the word for suspenders
is braces. such usage engenders
the fiction that it
makes you sound like a brit;
but in truth, that's the speech of pretenders.
"
"her bosom (the glands on her chest)
is the part that the boys like the best.
like two melons, a pair?
but the trouble is they're
both completely attached to the rest.
"
"the thespian has me in stitches;
he hams up each line that he pitches.
for shakespearean speeches,
he sometimes wears breeches?
i think he's too big for his britches.
"
"the bears, unlike horses or men,
spend the winter asleep in a den,
with a temperature that
is sustained by brown fat,
so in spring they awaken again.
"
"dead animal tissue, when spoiled,
and its molecules battered and roiled,
adipocerated, may
make us hasten away,
since with adipocere it is soiled.
"
"use cocaine?  that is really moronic;
addiction's no fun when it's chronic.
the guy who says ""fine!""
after snorting a line,
in withdrawal, becomes anhedonic.
"
"some people put trust in their tzadiks,
and others in alphabiotics,
and ask to be given
a new way of livin';
both approaches, to me, are exotics.
"
"can a thing be both chipper and blue,
both at once?  i don't think so, do you?
yet blue-chippers there are,
and more stable by far
than my junk bonds;  i own quite a few.
"
"anuric means lacking in pee,
when the urine just doesn't flow free.
it's a dreadful condition,
and that's why i'm wishin'
it never will happen to me.
"
"we've a broadminded master at school,
who allows us to break every rule;
but his colleagues all hate
when his broad-minded trait
gets him charged with harassment?the fool!
"
"my cousin's a thief, so he's prone
to run off with what isn't his own?
stealing rolls from the diner
and grandma's bone china.
his larceny's bred-in-the-bone.
"
"my mexican girlfriend is nina.
we met at the local marina.
in her odd-sounding lingo
she calls me a ""gringo""
or ""anglo,"" herself a ""latina.""
"
"at his lectures on earth-crust exploring,
i frequently find myself snoring.
i know it is crude
and i hate to be rude,
but i find that his content is boring.
"
"like a cavewoman, i can be brave,
so i told my beau, ""go get a shave!""
but though heavily thistled,
my boyfriend just bristled,
like a caveman, he just wouldn't cave.
"
"the language we think of as babble
is used by barbarian rabble.
although i am leaning
to guess it has meaning,
i can't use its words playing scrabble.
"
"barracuda: their bites make a mark,
and they're scary to meet in the dark.
with teeth so impressive,
these fish are aggressive,
but not in a class with the shark.
"
"my garden's in need of some planting.
it's muggy outside; that i'm granting.
if my quick respiration
becomes anhelation,
feel free to observe that i'm panting.
"
"when women develop ascites
their shapes are unlike aphrodite's?
with bellies, once splendid,
by fluid distended,
they favor voluminous nighties.
"
"the egyptian god known as osiris
decided to write a papyrus
to warn us that bugs
carry sickness no drugs
can repair, if they bear arbovirus.
"
"though he wasn't too bright, and was clownish,
brad left me, and now i feel downish.
he was nothing too great?
average height, average weight?
and his eyes and his hair? they were brownish.
"
"the akkadian god they called ashur
was a handsome imperial smasher,
distinct from the other gods,
his mid-eastern brother-gods?
more powerful, stronger and brasher.
"
"when a pair are accordant we find
they're compatible, both of one mind;
they concur, they agree,
they consent, say, ""mais oui!""
they're concerted, and may be combined.
"
"sally showed off her ring with great mirth.
""it's the loveliest diamond on earth!""
but her boyfriend had lied,
and the jeweler replied,
""it's a brummagem, lacking in worth.""
"
"a bay barrier's kind of a beach
that across a bay's entrance will reach
(cut it off from the ocean,
from tides' daily motion);
that's what the geologists teach.
"
"blind gut is a term for the cecal-
type pouch off your colon, where fecal
material's lonely,
with one outlet only;
it fills and gets sticky, like treacle.
"
"i've exceptional talent within,
and my handwriting's neat as a pin,
but each morning and night
when i sit down to write,
i just never know where to begin.
"
"whether constant or just episodic,
if your bowel sounds aren't melodic,
and you sometimes will howl
from a cramp, and cry foul,
what you need is an antispasmodic.
"
"anchorwomen, not quite the same
as anchormen, play the same game.
reading news, they don't laugh?
just a smile that is half
mona lisa and half auntie mame.
"
"an aerologist: ""has he the task
of studying air?"" you may ask.
where the atmosphere's sparest,
he finds his work fairest;
to get there he must wear a mask.
"
"researchers are using a toxin
in their labs (they have named it alloxan)
to give rats diabetes,
despite our entreaties,
unless a.l.f.'s throwing rocks in.
"
"when she opens her petals, then she
looks as fair as a flower can be?
she's a sea creature, though?
called actinia, so
this anemone lives in the sea.
"
"my blood flow was never chaotic,
my arteries never spasmodic.
i had great admiration
for my blood's circulation
till i learned it was atherosclerotic.
"
"coney island had sideshows and rides
on its boardwalk, and plenty besides:
boats that rode in the dark,
and, in steeplechase park,
an ingenious assortment of slides.
"
"when the nazis made poland their slave,
the declared antifascists were brave.
while they formed a resistance,
the rest kept their distance,
stayed silent, and tried to behave.
"
"a man with a bark may remark
that from bark he had fashioned his ark.
he'll embark (and not park)
without sound, in the dark
if his poodles agree not to bark.
"
"though i don't accept mazda or zeus,
or any god, that's no excuse
(yes, my creed's atheistic,
and i shun all that's mystic)
for subjecting my views to abuse.
"
"his perspective on art is unsound;
he's been stunned by the treasures he found.
since his visit to moma
he's been in a coma,
but i think we can bring him around.
"
"bamboo steamers are made of bamboo;
several trays fit together, so you
can steam delicate treats
over water that heats.
don't you love to eat dim sum? i do!
"
"when i fractured my ankle, i stayed
with a lady-friend, but, i'm afraid,
with my leg in a cast
i just couldn't move fast,
so i lay there and never got laid.
"
"accidental-type symptoms abound.
you've a migraine; your knee has been found
to be painful and red
as you lie there in bed.
to assume they're connected's unsound.
"
"i was there; now i'm gone. what you see
is a pale afterimage of me.
faint impressions remain
at the back of your brain,
but by now i'm halfway to fort lee.
"
"barcelona's a city in spain.
to get there, just hop on a plane.
once you've been there to see
the designs of gaud?
you will visit again and again.
"
"all my friends make their livings as baymen,
self-employed, not-for-regular-pay men.
they work hard every day
raking clams from the bay,
and at night when they play, they're risqu? men.
"
"my wife baked a lovely batard
for the barbecue out in our yard.
if you look at the menu,
think bastard?why, then you
will feel that the meal's  avant-garde.
"
"my son is a doc, a clinician;
he's known as a bariatrician.
his specialty's fat;
never mind where you're at,
to achieve healthy weight?that's his mission.
"
"my approach was explosive, atomic;
looking back, i can see it was comic.
i said, ""marry me, please!""
as we strolled o'er the leas,
but his interest was just agronomic.
"
"blue pencillers; what are they for?
to do work i distinctly deplore!
they take what i've written
and toss, without quittin',
my beautiful words on the floor.
"
"for those who are long in the tooth
and are seeking a fountain of youth:
in your search for perfection,
try botox injection.
it won't be considered uncouth.
"
"alimonious, word of remorse,
might refer to the apr?s-divorce,
to those payments that vex?
the support of one's ex?
but it just means ""nutritious,"" of course.
"
"the anesthetist doesn't work cheap.
her job is to put you to sleep,
so the surgeon can cut
and you'll keep your eyes shut,
lying still without making a peep.
"
"an assagai (african spear)
may be used on a man or a deer.
in the first case: arrest.
in the second, at best,
a roast venison soon will appear.
"
"whenever you're buying a pair
of sunglasses, always take care
that a firm guarantee
says they screen out uv
and they're treated to be antiglare.
"
"he set up this role-play to be
a study in rude repartee.
he couldn't be blunter?
said, ""i'm the affronter,
and you're the inept affrontee.""
"
"apagoge? this proves what i say.
it's correct 'cause the opposite way,
as i've shown, is absurd?
but don't just take my word?
think it through and you'll see i'm okay.
"
"fish called bolti were found in the nile;
they'd be caught and consumed with a smile.
ancients painted these fishes
on platters or dishes
in the beautiful new kingdom style.
"
"greta garbo, when called on the phone,
was thought to have cried with a groan,
""autophobia's bad.
it's a problem i've had.
i don't vont to be left all alone!""
"
"the binary colors are seen
on a color wheel, placed in between
the three primaries. you
mix two primaries to
get a purple, or orange, or green.
"
"you've been asked to go see an avoyer;
you surely don't want to annoy her.
it's best not to agitate
this swiss canton magistrate,
so always appear with your lawyer!
"
"i adore the preserves made from boysenberries;
it has always been one of my joys in berries.
many thanks for the jam.
it's homemade? well, i am
sure you carefully chucked out the poison berries.
"
"this policy hints of romanticism,
and might tend to engender giganticism.
in the military pact
we and europe enact
(i.e. nato), we call it atlanticism.
"
"i have chosen an army career,
and i hope that my way will be clear.
i will learn to drive tanks
as i rise through the ranks
on my path to become brigadier.
"
"the queen mother (a lady who'd been a queen)
caught a fever with chills that chagrin a queen;
there's no need for hysteria,
we can treat her malaria
with atabrine (also called quinacrine).
"
"baccal? is a dried-up old cod
that some fisherman caught with a rod,
but when cooked by my mom
and then served with aplomb,
it's a dish that was given by god.
"
"in our workshops, some critics are stressing
arcana, instead of finessing.
when you're working on mine
stay inside of the line
twixt bsing and wsing.
"
"in the journals i've spilled lots of ink
on the anthropopithecus. think
of this hominid who
was our ancestor?you
might describe him as the missing link.
"
"an antephialtic, it seems,
can protect against nightmarish dreams.
i will sleep through the night
without waking in fright?
no more terrors or ear-piercing screams.
"
"my mother once said, ""in a pinch
you should never give athletes an inch,
or they'll sure take a foot!""
but this question i put:
""who would want athlete's foot?"" (with a flinch).
"
"it takes one who's truly heroic,
and can live without echoes: a stoic,
to get anything done
in an office that's run
in a room, by design, anechoic.
"
"broad arrows, like narrow ones, go
straight ahead when they're shot from a bow;
but in britain, they're marks
that the government parks
on its property, britons all know.
"
"there's acroparesthesia, which
can produce pins and needles, or itch,
in each finger and toe
where the nerve endings go
and the muscles can spasm or twitch.
"
"the aphtha's a little white spot
in your mouth. you won't like it a lot.
you have thrush (sounds absurd)?
the disease, not the bird?
it's a fungal infection you've got.
"
"she's competing in shot put, and hurls
a great throw. as her body uncurls,
""attaboy!"" someone calls,
but encouragement falls
on deaf ears, 'cause she's one of the girls.
"
"an athlete is someone you meet
who is strong and well muscled and fleet.
with the talent he's got
he is certainly not
just a person who has athlete's feet.
"
"alauda: a genus of lark
that would seldom be heard after dark.
but by singing aloud, a
wee bird brought a crowd o'
those bird-watchers into our park.
"
"now and then, the old priest gets an urge
to do something that's daring, to splurge.
but with water that's holy,
he'd never splash. slowly,
with care, he prepares to asperge.
"
"when maggie and harry made plans,
mom went shopping for pots and for pans.
maggie said, ""don't forget
we are not married yet.
we have not even posted the banns.""
"
"adenologist: one who commands
skill and knowledge to meet the demands
of his field, gland biology.
what's endocrinology?
the medical study of glands.
"
"my friends and my neighbors are scolders;
they point to the snow on my shoulders
and pursue their promotion:
antidandruff-type lotion.
you'd think that those flakes were all boulders!
"
"antiurban fanatics don't like
to reside where you can't ride a bike
without soon getting brushed
by a taxi, or rushed
like a steer in a herd down the pike.
"
"the censor whose job's antiporn
must review books and pictures. he's torn.
though he really hates smut,
he's exposed to a glut
that submerges him noon, night and morn.
"
"this web site is warmly inviting;
its editor savvy, exciting,
a man of seniority
and a world-class authority
on the science of limerick writing.
"
"in the study of plants my pet peeve's
all the difficult terms one perceives.
no clearer than mud,
an ambiparous bud
is the kind with both flowers and leaves.
"
"when a guy with guitar wants to croon
to his gal 'neath the silvery moon,
to be ready he must?
not adapt or adjust?
i guess the best word is attune.
"
"the unfortunate person who lands
in this mess will meet many demands.
he has lost both his fists;
they're cut off at the wrists.
he's amanous, or: ""look, ma, no hands!""
"
"you're severely depressed now and then;
can you stop it from striking again?
a small yellow pill,
amitriptyline, will.
it's c20h23n.
"
"when a vessel showed early necrosis,
in my brain there occurred a thrombosis.
now i writhe like a worm.
what's the medical term?
a dystonia, called athetosis.
"
"when a guy drinks too much with his friends,
and the rules of good conduct he bends?
if he acts the schlemiel,
and breaks china?then he'll
most ashamedly make his amends.
"
"my grandfather posed me a riddle,
""what's curvy but slim in the middle,
and sings when you pluck it?""
i guessed, but (my luck!) it
was meant to describe a bass fiddle.
"
"a common adult diagnosis
is cardiac atherosclerosis.
from the time folks are little,
their vessels grow brittle?
and a lot get a clot, or thrombosis.
"
"i applied to enrol ad eundem
with credentials so bad that i stunned 'em.
what?  i'm not up to snuff?
my b.a.'s not enough?
i'll convince the top brass to defund 'em!
"
"as a female, there isn't a hope
that i'll ever be chosen as pope;
so i'm mad at the church,
as i'm left in the lurch.
antipapal, i sit here and mope.
"
"in one amnion, baby begins
to develop; and how momma grins
when the sonogram spies
in the womb a surprise!
the two amnia means she has twins.
"
"how the gentlemen always would eye you
when we'd visit that inn on the bayou,
down in old lou'sian'
where one dirty old man
offered fifty-five dollars to try you.
"
"brumbies are found in australia.
be careful?your courage may fail ya.
these mares and these stallions
are equine rapscallions;
if you get in their path, they'll assail ya.
"
"i was trying to get to assam,
but my  guidebook's disgraceful?a sham.
the path leads, i have seen,
to a bridgeless ravine,
so i guess i will stay where i am.
"
"his play offered scenes that were amatory,
played in costumes he feared were inflammatory.
could the public admire
such see-through attire?
their reaction was wholly acclamatory!
"
"""sure it's tough!"" my professor confirms,
""to learn botany, memorize terms
like ambigenous (or
dual natured), but you're
free to switch to the study of worms.""
"
"her dentist is making a sheath
that she'll wear, with her tongue tucked beneath,
in her mouth when she's sleeping?
for bruxism?keeping
my daughter from grinding her teeth.
"
"although heroin all should eschew,
apomorphine's an opiate too.
while the first's anesthetic,
the second's emetic;
don't try it?you'll barf if you do.
"
"if i want to continue to thrive
as i'm nearing age seventy-five,
i must give up red meats,
sugar, salt, and all treats;
just on breadstuff i'll have to survive.
"
"toward rosina, his dutiful spouse,
almaviva behaves like a louse
in  the marriage of fig-
aro, acts like a pig,
chasing every last skirt in the house.
"
"all my buddies said, ""try almond milk!
it's delicious; its texture's like silk.""
i believed in them, but
after squeezing a nut
felt betrayed by false friends and their ilk.
"
"i'm an arctophile.  can you discover
what i am? no, i'm not one to hover
above the north pole
nor old noah extol;
what i am is a teddy-bear lover.
"
"she's a brook trout, while he is a brown trout,
considered a man-about-town trout.
he is seeking a mate,
so he asks for a date,
with this great-in-a-strapless-style-gown trout.
"
"in australia, a barbie's a grill
where your host broils the food with great skill.
is your diet low-carb-y?
your steak's on the barbie!
more shrimp? yes, i guess that i will.
"
"antinuclear?this word's a double.
number one: the cell's core is in trouble.
number two: fighting arms
that bring nuclear harms,
so our world's not converted to rubble.
"
"does your bedmate incessantly snore,
so that sometimes you want to make war?
then he/she's adenoidal
and if not destroyed'll
end up in a bedroom next door.
"
"flow'ring plants we can see while we're bikin';
we observe them more closely when hikin'.
but what's harder to find
is the spore-bearing kind?
(apothecial) fungus or lichen.
"
"an aptronym's somebody's name
that matches her job or his game,
like ms. prose, who's a writer,
bill boxer, a fighter;
is it nomen est omen?  the same.
"
"when the love-smitten teen first gave voice
to his preference for marrying joyce,
who was well over forty,
his permissive dad, morty,
that instant became antichoice.
"
"writing anchorperson (somewhere between
anchorman/anchorwoman) is seen,
though perhaps hypocritically,
as correctness, politically,
in the stories in time magazine.
"
"an arrowworm floats in the sea,
in the plankton that's neptune's debris.
one will see, if one looks,
that its head carries hooks
used to capture its prey with esprit.
"
"her bitterness showed as she wrote
to the host of the cruise, in a note.
fore and aft, at each turn,
she'd been pawed bow and stern,
and amidships?all over the boat.
"
"he's the bravest of soldiers by far,
won a medal that's called the bronze star;
but i can't get pete bratten
to drive in manhattan?
he's afraid to get into the car.
"
"neural impulses flow, by design,
from peripheral nerves up the line;
then, abneurally bound,
go the other way round?
that's away from the brain and the spine.
"
"showoff joe plans to marry. who? me?
he proposed so that people could see.
his proposal took shape
on a videotape
that was broadcast on cable tv.
"
"some folks will just turn t'other cheek;
if you hit them, they won't make a squeak.
but don't try that on me?
i'm as tough as can be?
asthenophobic: afraid to be weak.
"
"an atrophic appendage is shrunk.
when it's lifted, it falls with a klunk.
its muscles, lambasted,
are scrawny and wasted?
i mean they are stunted, not drunk.
"
"my dad, born in europe, enjoys
all the liberties that he employs.
though his english was broken,
right there in hoboken
he raised four all-american boys.
"
"as we searched for my grandfather's tomb
through a vapor of gloom, and of doom,
a faint breeze, with a twist,
blew away the blue mist,
then the tomb seemed to loom from the brume.
"
"an allogamous plant is the one
that will find reproduction most fun.
two sep'rate plants germinate,
ova-and-sperminate,
join, and then new life's begun.
"
"balanced budget, to each politician,
is a goal, an ideal and a mission.
but in voting for pork
every one is a dork,
counting principles less than ambition.
"
"my diet began with elation.
i'd get thin and i'd win approbation.
but the outcome was shoddy;
the acetone body
i achieved was my sole consolation.
"
"kitchen gadgets just fill him with glee,
like a wedger for apples.  ""come see!""
he said, ""one blow suffices
to make apple slices.""
(i pity the apple-wedgee.)
"
"bambino is ""babe"" in italian.
in a creche or religious medallion
it's the christ child; in truth,
fans referred to babe ruth
as bambino (but thought him a stallion).
"
"he woke up one morning amnesiac
after taking a strong aphrodisiac,
without knowing his name
promptly stripped and became
an anonymous male dionysiac.
"
"an apostolate's message is prone
to be smug and pietistic in tone
in promoting one view
of a universe you
may suspect is, at best, an unknown.
"
"i found snails, and a cockle, and winkle
at the beach, but i learned a new wrinkle?
caught a large brittle star,
said, ""please tell what you are!""
and the starfish replied, ""twinkle, twinkle.""
"
"the allotype tells us the sort
of an immunoglobulin?short
of a full disquisition
on immunity's mission,
i'll break off and i'll end my report.
"
"an animist looks at a pole?
sees a being that has its own soul.
for a pole, we'd agree
(with a capital p);
for a tadpole or flagpole, it's droll.
"
"thinking marriage, with amy beguiled,
he inquired if she carried his child.
he decided to fly
at her only reply:
ambiguously silent, she smiled.
"
"the enemy troops are invading
the city. resistance is fading.
they captured town hall
and its multi-arched mall?
that's the mall with the marble arcading.
"
"in my travels, i've come face to face
with varied religion and race,
but there's no other shrine
that i find more divine
than amritsar, the sikhs' holy place.
"
"when i'm making up poetry, fashion'll
often govern the form, although passion'll
take over my pen;
so i've got to quit when
what i'm writing becomes antirational.
"
"say ""bye-bye"" to that pie in the sky
that you never could buy?let it die.
say hello to what's real;
by and by you will feel
that your life isn't passing you by.
"
"a buttinski is sort of a yenta
who butts in. it is hard to prevent a
buttinski from meddling?
it's gossip she's peddling
over borscht, irish stew, or polenta.
"
"all my friends like antiques. i do too;
but i'm awestruck at what my friends do.
they'll spend hundreds, i'm told,
for two chairs that are old.
but they're used, and all mine are brand-new!
"
"he looked at her bust and said, ""just
let me touch you.  i feel that i must!""
then he started to paw,
got  a bust in the jaw,
and was busted because of his lust.
"
"i admit i'm a bit of a critic
of oedilf, and i'm sometimes acidic,
but i find it absurd
to define every word:
if of albite it's made, it's albitic.
"
"bamboo shoots that come from the east
may be used in preparing a feast.
they're not food i would choose,
but in all the great zoos
giant pandas enjoy them, at least!
"
"we were late, and we missed the last train,
so all night in the station we've lain.
for his error, my friend's
keen on making amends,
but his breast-beating gives me a pain!
"
"i fancy tall trees, green as jade,
and a premium price i have paid
for the branchiest maples
and elms (they're my staples)?
the trees that provide the most shade.
"
"it is doubtful that fred ever will
forget my jalopy?the thrill
when i yelled, ""holy smoke!""
'cause the brake pedal broke,
and brakeless, we sped down the hill.
"
"two disparate thoughts it empowers:
one of coins, and the other of flowers.
the word bracteate means
either one. what's obscene's?
i can ponder this nonsense for hours!
"
"a beating reed isn't a whip
that a slave driver'd wear on his hip.
it's a clarinet reed
in an instrument keyed
to make music?it vibrates its tip.
"
"a pastry chef worked in berlin,
and adored his antique baker's pin.
with a mind-set devout,
he would roll his dough out,
and that dough kept his dough rolling in.
"
"i love bees, both the honey and bumble,
but the honeybee's best.  i feel humble
'cause i take all their honey
and don't pay them money,
and they buzz?but they don't ever grumble.
"
"when my daughter gave birth, i felt skittish.
the midwife was trained and legit-ish,
but her accent was thick.
still her skills did the trick?
""it's a boychick,"" she said (from the yiddish).
"
"blind dating's a matter of taste.
at those times when i felt most disgraced,
i would say of the date
that was dealt me by fate
that her bustline was less than her waist.
"
"the term butt joint: just what might it mean?
a cheap dive, where nude dancing's the scene?
or the hip, where your butt
meets your leg (open, shut)?
try the edge of a box or a screen!
"
"in london, in wartime, we'd meet
in a bomb shelter under the street,
as the buzz bombs flew over,
from france, passing dover.
stopped buzzing? their trips were complete.
"
"a clear explanation i've got.
an innocent bystander's what
i became at the time
of the villainous crime.
i was never a part of the plot!
"
"i love butterscotch flavor in icing
(on my cakes?yes, the ones baked with spicing).
made of sugar and butter,
this flavor is utter-
ly priceless and nicely enticing.
"
"when a couple's betrothed, they're engaged,
and a small celebration is staged,
where their guests bring good wishes,
nice drinks and warm dishes;
their exes alone are enraged.
"
"with the pancreas gland we are blessed;
its enzymes will help us digest.
amylopsin it makes,
so that we can eat cakes;
it disposes of starch on request.
"
"an ash can's a garbage receptacle,
so please pardon me if i'm skeptical?
what is called ashcan art,
as a genre apart,
seems both trashy and truly dyspeptical.
"
"epididymal arms seem to be,
toward the vas, like the boughs on a tree.
they are aberrant ducts,
so my teacher instructs.
vasa deferens? none i can see!
"
"her screenplay was written aquarius-ly,
full of characters acting hilariously,
where a boy brings his friend
peace and joy by the end,
and we join in the love-fest, vicariously.
"
"anticlimax: what's happening next
when the plot hits its apex; the text
may collapse with a thud
to an end clear as mud,
and the novel will leave you perplexed.
"
"amorphousness isn't a trait
that i look for in choosing a date
for a dance;  but i'm blue
'cause my thesis is due?
as for that date: amorphousness?  great!
"
"the size of his skull is decreased;
he's anencephalic.  at least
he cannot feel pain
as he hasn't a brain,
and he'll mercifully soon be deceased.
"
"if the liquid goes down the wrong way
and you're choking and gasping, we say
fluid's aspirated, and
i can well understand,
such a seizure can ruin one's day.
"
"alkoran, though an english word, can
be derived from the words al quran,
which is arabic.  you
use koran?that's fine too?
if you need a two-syllable scan.
"
"an aril will cover a seed
to protect it in times of great need,
from the weather and such,
but it doesn't help much
when the herbivores come out to feed.
"
"the porsche?i am mesmerized by it,
so i buy it, decide i will try it.
wave bye-bye and proceed?
by the river i speed?
think i'm snobbish? by jove, i deny it!
"
"we are proud that we have a democracy,
and prefer it to any autocracy,
but i wonder, my friend,
will our way of life end
when we drown in official bureaucracy?
"
"they say buskin's a genre of acting,
on tragedies mainly impacting;
and its origin's cute?
it's a greek actor's boot,
laced and worn in a manner exacting.
"
"i make sure that the gas tank is full,
but the car doesn't start; have to pull
it to town with a horse?
a big strong one, of course?
for repair.  i declare, ""that's no bull!""
"
"from scene 1 to the ultimate curtain,
he could mesmerize us?that's for certain.
he would be my first choice
for the sexiest voice,
and i miss him like hell?richard burton.
"
"i'm a marker the coast guard employs
to bring maritime safety.  my joy's
in the sonorous ring
of my bell as i swing;
i'm just glad to be one of the buoys!
"
"a bureaucrat sitting behind
a desk of the fanciest kind
with his upper lip curled
wants to rule the whole world;
and the rest of us don't seem to mind.
"
"some english words strike me as funny.
if a bakeshop sells rolls made with honey,
and the baker's a rabbit,
should we be in the habit
of describing his baked goods as bunny?
"
"said his wife, ""button up! you are old!""
he replied, ""i won't do what i'm told!
don't treat me like a kid!""
he went out. what he did
was to shiver all day in the cold.
"
"they were active before world war ii.
some americans joined them.  did you?
the bund was pro-german,
pro-nazi; their sermon
espoused the hitlerian view.
"
"one magical, soft summer night
i encountered a wonderful sight.
on an evening in june
with a brilliant full moon
i saw actias moths in full flight.
"
"right into the boondocks i blunder.
have i entered the backwoods? i wonder.
though it's strange as a black box,
i'm now in the backblocks?
the name for the boonies, down under.
"
"in producing his movie romances,
my friend doesn't take any chances.
he plans to make salma
(ms hayek) the alma:
the girl who's from egypt and dances.
"
"i'm wearing my chemist's apparel
as i write this affectionate carol,
""hydrocarbons right through
(aromatics to you):
they're the compounds we speak of as aryl!""
"
"i have acropigmentation; god knows,
when i'm wearing my sandals, it shows
without socks, so i've found.
i wear socks all year round?
just to cover my blackening toes.
"
"eosinophils, found in the blood,
were acidocytes, after the flood
(or at least in the past),
but the word didn't last?
it lies buried in history's mud.
"
"pronounce it? i just don't know how!
if i did, i would sure take a bow;
but it's tied with a bow
so i don't really know.
should i rhyme it with sow or with sow?
"
"with acropachy harming your knuckles,
your reaction won't likely be chuckles.
your fingers will swell,
and show blueness, as well?
like blueberries (also like huckles).
"
"aniconism doesn't allow
you to pray in this way, or to vow.
its primary stricture
is ""don't use a picture.""
so deep-six that gold-plated cow!
"
"aletris: genus of plant
that's been studied in depth by my aunt.
though it's bitter, in pills
it is used to treat ills.
will i try some? no, auntie, i shan't!
"
"i would like to belong to their club,
and i tried to get in.  here's the rub:
their response? a dismissal?
the thought makes me bristle?
a brush-off, a put-down, a snub!
"
"his clothes were atypically filled
by his overly muscular build,
but his sports-hero skill
was derived from a pill?
taking steroids, he nearly was killed.
"
"some beryls are natural gemstones,
not synthetics-i-like-to-condemn stones.
major bucks they will bring
in a necklace or ring;
you will find lots of money in them stones.
"
"i always have felt an attraction
to hollywood heroes in action.
sylvester stallone
makes me quiver and moan,
and clint eastwood?  complete satisfaction!
"
"halloween is approaching; it's clearish
i plan to appear buccaneerish.
i'll wear red pantaloons
and round earrings, like moons?
do you think, at my age, i'd look queerish?
"
"the apocrypha, biblical writing
that some scholars find quite inviting,
are of dubious truth
(unlike numbers and ruth)
or even uncouth, though exciting.
"
"the buckeye's a tree, but oh my, oh,
the word's also used (don't know why, oh)
for the folks who ain't roamin'
but makin' their home in
the beautiful state of ohio.
"
"at new words it is best not to scoff.
think of buddle, perhaps; it's a trough
where in water you'll find
the crushed ore that's been mined?
there to wash the impurities off.
"
"the bulb in your reading lamp may
just burn out; you'll replace it, i'd say.
but a counselor whose clients
show endless defiance
gets burnout and calls it a day.
"
"said the student in scotland, ""a curse
has befallen me, made my life worse!
as my grades for the year
aren't passing, i fear
that the college will cancel my burse.""
"
"for its dinner, a pine snake will pull
a mouse from its hole, eat till full.
this reptile's no loafer?
he'll go fer a gopher,
and swallow it whole?that's no bull.
"
"he said he'd come round about noonish.
he arrived, and i thought him cartoonish.
quite a blind date surprise:
giant head, popping eyes,
but the worst was he acted buffoonish.
"
"i have finally made up my mind;
i'm devoting myself to mankind.
as i wrote in my notes,
i've burned bridges and boats,
and that means i've left nothing behind.
"
"the butterfish, not too much fun, 'll
look slippery, and every one'll
feel slimy when caught,
so the fisherman ought
to remove all the skin from his gunnel.
"
"t. r., feeling mighty as zeus,
said, ""i really don't need an excuse.
i will enter the race
for the white house. my base
is the party we'll call the bull moose.""
"
"consider the bruin, or bear,
who spends winter alone in his lair,
where his hormones will keep
him in deep, carefree sleep?
i might try it myself?do i dare?
"
"to be aidant's an old-fashioned way
to be helpful?as shakespeare might say.
thought it's pleasant when heard,
and a very nice word,
aidant's rarely encountered today.
"
"i need a new stone for the mill
that my grandfather left in his will.
if ever there were stone
more gritty than buhrstone,
it very well might fill the bill.
"
"the tanning booth looked like a bin;
i climbed in with a jubilant grin.
then i cried, ""goodness gracious!
i'm now alutaceous,
with wrinkles all over my skin!""
"
"when i finished my cheating-and-prank check
he offered to pay with a blank check
for the work we'd discussed,
but i still didn't trust;
i insisted on having a bank check.
"
"as he feasted on beef and on mutton,
he loosened his slacks (he's a glutton).
as he rose from the table,
my friend was unable
to button  his pants?not a button!
"
"our friend belle isn't slender or tall.
rather spheroid she is, all in all,
and her hips sort of swell
in the shape of a bell,
so we call her our belle of the ball.
"
"the butternut type of a tree,
called white walnut, is likely to be
the source from which came
the reb uniform's name
(worn by troops led by robert e. lee).
"
"the lass, after churning her butter,
left with buttermilk, started to mutter,
""though some people drink it,
it's sour and i think it
is best if it's dumped in the gutter!""
"
"consider the butterwort plant,
but be careful if you are an ant,
or a fly, or a bee?
they eat insects with glee!
can they eat you and me? no they can't.
"
"my grandfather jake struck it rich.
now he only wears clothing for which
he is carefully fitted,
and none is permitted
that hasn't a buttonhole stitch.
"
"one day, as i walked through a bog,
i encountered a talkative frog.
""were you changed by a curse?
once a prince?"" ""no, it's worse!
i'm in love with a bump on a log!""
"
"the compounds my donkey can haul,
like the acetals, ketones, and all,
will be used in cologne;
but if heated, they're prone,
like my ass, to have scents that appall.
"
"measured lengthwise, i'm not very tall;
in a crowd, i'm not noticed at all,
but i'm certainly wide
(if you judge side-to-side);
measured breadthwise, the size of nepal.
"
"though the story line's certain in my play,
i also include lots of byplay.
the critics' attraction
to auxiliary action
assures they will find it a spry play.
"
"bioethicists: eggheads involved
in dilemmas that people want solved.
is it okay to clone
if the cells are one's own?
(but such questions are seldom resolved.)
"
"i have allergies.  when the air's breezeless,
i feel very healthy?diseaseless;
but when pollen is blowing,
my troubles keep growing.
i'm no longer sneezeless and wheezeless.
"
"when he found that the fungus was killin'
the germs, alex fleming was willin'
to examine the mold
found on bread; we are told
that's the way that he found penicillin.
"
"it's a bug that can't fly, never leaps,
yet the bristletail gives me the creeps.
king-sized spikes on their tails
look like stingers or flails,
so i stomp on the (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleeps).
"
"her fantasy never was idle,
and her thoughts sometimes turned homicidal,
as her boyfriend would balk
when of weddings she'd talk.
when she spoke of a bridal, he'd bridle.
"
"there are bound to be squabbles, of course,
when a man and a woman divorce;
so i help make a map
'cross the bridgeable gap
toward a settlement both can endorse.
"
"this atmosphere's heavy with soot;
visibility's less than a foot.
since we're breathing this air,
i conclude, with despair,
respiration will soon be kaput.
"
"politicians will stay out of sight,
and in some cases even take flight,
when the guys from the press
get their aides to confess,
and they find their misdeeds brought to light.
"
"to follow his chosen vocation,
he canvassed each school in the nation.
to become a tycoon,
he found wharton a boon;
there he's studying business administration.
"
"old saint nicholas surely enjoys
bringing gifts to good girls and good boys.
in his sleigh is a sack
that he slings on his back.
it is bulgy?it's bursting with toys.
"
"i bought auntie maggie a fax
in one of those ""get money back""s;
but the rebate upset her.
to make her feel better,
i said, ""auntie, kick back and relax!""
"
"the not-too-adept new recruit
saw the breechblock and said, ""ain't that cute?""
but unless you first pull it,
you can't load a bullet;
he was sadly unable to shoot.
"
"which goddess personifies sun,
the forebear?since time had begun?
of the emperor's line?
in japan, they opine
that amaterasu's the one.
"
"a barranca, a gully that's deep,
will have walls that are vertically steep.
so take care when you hike,
unless superman-like
you can bound to the top in one leap.
"
"i quit college without an apology;
i haven't a head for technology.
i got screaming abdabs
from the chemistry labs,
heebie-jeebies from reading biology.
"
"a brown bear from a neighborhood town
saunters into a bar and sits down.
""in a pail i want ale;
make it strong and not pale.
without fail i love ale that is brown!""
"
"that's the phone. i'm afraid it's the breather.
no, i don't want to talk to him either!
""from your phone calls we need
a short breather,"" i plead.
""give your name or hang up!"" he does neither.
"
"i said ""breastwork,"" and he said, ""i'll bet it
is a great kind of job.  can i get it?""
i displayed consternation,
""it's not fornication?
it's a fortification; don't sweat it!""
"
"two aesthetes, their friendship debased,
took their jackets and ties off in haste,
to decide with their bunches
of pinches and punches
just who had more delicate taste.
"
"a beach profile is, please understand,
unrelated to girls on the sand
in their bright new bikinis
(those cloth teenie-weenies);
it's the contour where water meets land.
"
"i have often remarked on his nattiness
(as he dresses so well), but his brattiness?
though it's true that he's spoiled,
from that word i've recoiled;
just to mention the fault would be cattiness.
"
"my uncle's estate is definable;
my fairness is never malignable.
i distribute the checks
as the man's will directs
and assign what is clearly assignable.
"
"in democracies we get to choose,
so all bigotry we should refuse
aimed at color of skin,
or religion, as in
anti-semitism, hatred of jews.
"
"he believed wearing armor was crass,
like that backplate of steel or of brass,
but he had to admit,
if he ever were hit,
it might save his exquisite cuirass.
"
"if you're hell-bent on brecciating rock
with a hammer, you must be a jock,
'cause to smash it to bits
isn't easy, and it's
gonna need a gargantuan knock!
"
"here's a word that's so clunky, i find
when i'm speaking, it won't come to mind;
it is sesquipedalian,
and to use it seems alien:
anthropophuism (traits of mankind).
"
"brad aspired to look busy?not loitery?
as he practiced his best reconnoitery.
ten degrees to the right
and they came into sight:
the bosoms that hid neath her broidery.
"
"he uses both cunning and force,
and a very thick lasso, of course;
and his title of ""buster
of broncos"" adds luster
to the labor of breaking a horse.
"
"when a message is moving along
chains of neurons that hum like a song,
antidromic means (at
all the synapses) that
the direction it's going is wrong.
"
"if you prize the old japanese mode,
and you won't let its values erode,
and rank honor above
faith in life or in love,
follow bushido (samurai code).
"
"make a wish list.  here's how to begin:
write down all of the luxuries in
the wide world you desire
and wish to acquire.
buy a lottery ticket, and win.
"
"busulfan can hit like an arrow;
its window of safety is narrow.
it's not for anemia,
but myeloid leukemia?
it's used after transplanting marrow.
"
"""what's a bull tongue?"" the kid asks me now,
""is it just like the tongue of a cow?""
and i'm thinking, ""you're young;
have respect; hold your tongue!""
but i say, ""it's a single-blade plow.""
"
"a friendly young barbet called maggie
(a french water dog, kind of scraggy),
was stunned when she heard
barbet's also a bird
(very colorful, not at all shaggy).
"
"the rock star would like us to hear
his antidrug speech, loud and clear:
""just stay sober and clean!
(it's you kids that i mean,
because i snort cocaine and drink beer).""
"
"angelolaters, when they're at prayer,
worship angels, on high, in the air,
in the clouds overhead,
and they hope, when they're dead,
to abide with the angels up there.
"
"i don't want to go out with a drunk,
or a guy who will act like a punk.
you suggest that i date
an antonian?  great!
the guy's an armenian monk.
"
"it's called bullbaiting, labelled as ""sport,""
but a brutish and barbarous sort.
chain a bull in a pen,
set some dogs on it; then
what comes next is too vile to report.
"
"an anguis looks much like a snake;
it is easy to make a mistake.
it is also called slow
worm and blindworm although
it has eyes (and a tail that can break).
"
"they wore buckskins through many a jam,
way out west, but it now seems a sham.
once from skin of a buck,
now we're just out of luck,
as they're made from the hide of a lamb.
"
"the men's archery team?it was fraught
with such problems! the coach, overwrought,
was petitioned to fix
it by adding some chicks;
he broad-mindedly gave it some thought.
"
"like the brachiator swinging through trees,
who may grab any branch that he sees,
seems our ancestors were
apelike, covered in fur?
missing link on a flying trapeze.
"
"among carpets, this carpet's a queen,
even though it is made by machine.
loops of wool sewn on linen
(its strong underpinnin')
make it great?brussels carpet, i mean.
"
"brazilwood's a tree, and it grows
in brazil, where the amazon flows.
once it's cut, if you're willin',
extract its brazilin;
and its wood makes fine violin bows.
"
"the old hen nestled snug in her nest
with her eggs tucked secure neath her breast,
when the rooster upset 'er?
""a heating pad's better!""
and she broodingly thought, ""is that best?""
"
"now we buy bottled water for thirst.
i would swear that our plumbing is cursed,
as its pipes are all rusted
and cannot be trusted;
but its brokenness?that is the worst!
"
"if erosion's occurred in your tummy,
and you want to eat food that is yummy,
antiulcer drugs may
take discomfort away;
don't just sit there and act like a dummy!
"
"a proton was learning about
antiprotons and wondered, in doubt,
just what would ensue
if they mated, these two?
each would cancel the other one out.
"
"with my children i'm not very strict.
our values will seldom conflict,
but a drug of abuse
is a no-no.  its use
(like amphetamine's) tends to addict.
"
"think of seasons; it's autumn i'd call
by far most depressing of all.
leaves go brown, as do crops,
and the temperature drops.
it's no wonder we call it the fall.
"
"atomism's hard to believe!
with a very fine cleaver you cleave,
till you find in all articles
uncleavable particles?
that's the theory the atomists weave.
"
"love of self is precisely the theme
of the french amour propre.  it would seem
the nuance it displays
is quite lost when the phrase,
in translation,  becomes self-esteem.
"
"the blooms that he gave me were bracted,
though, in truth, that fact never detracted
from the love he'd bestow,
as my botanist beau
spoke with flowers?devotion enacted.
"
"if you're working with oil paint, then you
will find colors may change?yes they do!
the light beige on your cows
goes translucent, allows
the dark color beneath to bleed through.
"
"we were feuding; i didn't know whether
i'd come to the end of my tether.
though i wanted him dead,
i gave in; we broke bread,
and we patched up our quarrel together.
"
"for a month now, my poor broken heart
has me weeping and broken apart.
when he left me, my bloke,
i was heartsick and broke.
damn his eyes! i'll get well! (that's a start.)
"
"when i contemplate them i'm ecstatic?
these diversiform cells (blastematic).
parts of embryos, they,
in a natural way,
form an arm or the fin of a haddock.
"
"""my poodle can talk. here's the proof.
on a loom, there's a warp and a...?""  ""woof!""
""my anthropoglot setter
can do even better.
what covers our house is a...?"" ""roof!""
"
"'twas in june i came into this world;
from the womb toward the tomb i was hurled,
so my birthstone, i find
(not a gem that's been mined)
is a pebble an oyster has pearled.
"
"ink that's bleed-proof protects my fine drawing
from a smear when the viewers are pawing
and their hands are all wet,
or the drip that i get
when the frost on my eyebrows is thawing.
"
"bipolar disorder's no fun.
when you're manic you stay on the run
and you live without sleep.
then depression comes?deep
in the doldrums?a life without sun.
"
"since your wound is now healing, you are
the luckiest fellow by far,
and the growth of new tissue
will not be an issue?
you'll grow acestoma, and scar.
"
"being baptized can help us to be
without sin, born again, truly free.
to be baptized is nice?
there's no need for it twice?
an' a baptist would surely agree.
"
"in our marriage, it's true that we've seen times
of trouble?decidedly lean times.
we've been poor, things were bad,
but we really have had
some exciting adventures betweentimes.
"
"""this case needs some amplification,""
said the judge in a solemn oration,
so he made a provision
to postpone his decision.
the process is called ampliation.
"
"an antipathy is an aversion,
for example, toward anything persian?
persian lambs, persian cats,
or a college course that's
teaching farsi through language immersion.
"
"i'm always on time with my car rent,
and i'm never uncouth or abhorrent?
that's my helpful initiative.
are the ford folks appreciative?
i'm sorry to say that they aren't.
"
"a batrachomyomachia;
just to say it, how long did it take ya?
it means an ado
over naught for which you
would request that your wife would awake ya.
"
"the explorer barged in most audaciously,
as some cannibals dined very graciously.
then he beat a retreat
so he wouldn't be meat
for a tribe who might eat him voraciously.
"
"they were born, just like us, from a womb,
and like us, they became bride and groom;
but the king and his queenie
in ancient mycenae
wound up in a beehive-style tomb.
"
"said the girl to the handsome young fluter,
""your instrument couldn't be cuter.
is it made, do you think,
out of nickel, or zinc,
or britannia metal, or pewter?""
"
"first a bite, then the parasites flood,
reproduce, and you're feeling like crud.
you should seek accol? forms?
also called appliqu? forms?
they're seen in the cells of your blood.
"
"in the backcourt, you're farther away
from the tennis court's net when you play,
so the ball's hit, of course,
using maximum force;
tennis victories happen that way.
"
"anomalocaris, i know,
lived on earth, but a long time ago.
its strange name means ""odd shrimp"";
it was fierce, not a wimp,
and it measured two meters or so.
"
"he had rubies set into his buckteeth,
said these prominent teeth were good luck-teeth;
but it made him look eerie.
folks said, ""tell me, dearie,
just who is the clown with the schmuck-teeth?""
"
"if one acts like a bonehead, one may
behave just like a jerk: one may say
things that injure, embarrass,
disparage, or harass,
in a rock-headed, blockheaded way.
"
"when you reach buenos aires i'll see ya
in a corner cafe.  there with glee a
nice mat? we'll drink,
and we'll drink it, i think,
through a straw that is called a bombilla.
"
"the poet describes his excursion
to woo a fair maid.  in his version,
devotion grows wings?
like a nightingale, sings.
it's a bulbul? the poet is persian!
"
"baha'i, though it's not scientific,
teaches unity; there it's specific.
bali hai will beguile?
it's a fictional isle
that's known best from the show south pacific.
"
"my home on the range and its plows
are both powered by methane from cows.
and these gases from steers
fuel my car?it appears,
that's as far as our science allows.
"
"an asseverating gal will assert;
for example, ""don't stare at my skirt!""
but perseverating guys
can't stop eyeing her thighs;
uncontrolled, they continue to flirt.
"
"there once was an ass from nantucket
who ate all his hay from a bucket,
and when the ass brayed,
his lust was displayed...
(but the obvious rhyme? i must duck it!)
"
"antibrachial region implies
not your hips, nor your legs, nor your thighs.
if you look down at your arm
and notice the forearm,
you've taken it in with your eyes.
"
"the tips of extremities?these
can fall prey to what's called pink disease
(painful fingers and toes
and the tip of the nose),
so avoid acrodynia, please.
"
"when a notice arrives in the mail
and i'm asked to appear without fail
at an audit, no less,
by the dread i.r.s.,
it's no wonder i quail and grow pale
"
"beta-carotene, eaten each day,
in our green leafy veggies, just may
make us all eagle-eyed;
when we get it inside,
we convert it to vitamin a.
"
"a bottleful's all that i've got.
i admit that it sounds like a lot,
but my husband will come
when i open this rum,
and he'll drink it right down like a shot.
"
"my grandson plays bagpipes. i'm proud.
when he'll practice, there's often a crowd
that collects in the street
for a musical treat,
'cause when playing the bagpipes, you're loud.
"
"""you're a bubblehead!"" that's what he called me;
i'll admit that the insult appalled me.
though i totaled his car
as i drove through joe's bar,
did he have to get angry? that galled me!
"
"in your ad for a molar extraction,
you promised complete satisfaction.
but you broke off the root;
it was painful to boot.
i would call it a bad faith transaction.
"
"the word anthropotheism means
that the gods act like men, as in scenes
of the gods on greek urns:
drink, seduce, fight, in turns.
guess today they would smoke and wear jeans.
"
"""it's an aurated statue,"" i'm told,
so i bid on this figure of gold,
but i break down in tears
when i find it has ears!
""i don't want it,"" i say.  he says, ""sold!""
"
"she was making an aquagraph print,
using glass, but she needed to squint.
so i said, ""you need glasses!""
she's slow as molasses;
i'm glad she at last took the hint.
"
"to bullyrag means ""to abuse.""
it's the action that bullyboys choose?
guys who see their own gain
in the other guy's pain?
it's behavior we shouldn't excuse.
"
"his repute in the congress? it sunk.
he spoke nonsense, but didn't seem drunk.
mr. walker said, ""i
speak for buncombe!""  (that's why
we mean balderdash when we say bunk.)
"
"one bumblebee said to the others,
""we're all daughters of mighty queen-mother's,
but we're not built for mating,
so there's no use in waiting
for love?no one's asked us our druthers!""
"
"beat the drums! we are going to war!
(what else is a milit'ry for?)
all those wussies who say,
""let's negotiate,""?hey,
antimilitarists?gor, what a bore!
"
"all sermons should be apolitical,
with the focus on god.  it is critical
that they don't back one slate,
keeping church out of state;
when combined, they become parasitical.
"
"please pity this miserable critic.
his outlook is glum and acidic.
he coughs and he wheezes,
has several diseases?
his medicine? antisyphilitic.
"
"he wears outfits, we all have agreed,
that might prompt a felonious deed.
he's a total disgrace,
any time, any place;
antifashionableness is his creed.
"
"there is nothing my wife ever lacks;
she likes caviar best for her snacks,
but my paycheck's obstructed
by what's weekly deducted ?
no wonder i'm so antitax.
"
"once we spoke of them all as burmese,
a word we pronounced with great ease;
now it's ""guys from myanmar,""
or ""two gals from afar,""
or ""a couple from way overseas.""
"
"on his head my dad wore a beret,
tilted sideways, in manner fran?ais,
but as soon as he'd talk
he was clearly ""noo yawk,""
""from french brooklyn,"" he'd say.""sheepshead bay.""
"
"i'm in love since i met my yvette,
who has hair that's a lovely brunet.
though i'd always been fond
of the girls who were blond,
it's a switch i will never regret.
"
"his cookbook showed delicate taste,
and he bound it himself! he was chased
by each cat in the town;
every roach tracked him down?
he had glued it with anchovy paste.
"
"the fellow who's called vip
has arrived where we'd all like to be.
he has power; he may
even wear a toupee,
but a bigwig? i wouldn't agree.
"
"the detective who smashed in the door
was arrestingly lovely?but swore.
then she pointed her gun;
she yelled,""freeze!"" and shot one,
and arrestingly handcuffed two more.
"
"the shopkeeper wished to contract
for arson, but not join the act.
to the felony, he
would accessory be?
before, but not after, the fact.
"
"so you want to send junior to brown,
a college of highest renown?
aptitudinal's not
what i'd call him; he's got
s.a.t. scores of bozo the clown.
"
"in the old days, when records began,
many bureaucrats used an aman-
uensis to take
down each word that they spake,
or a sonnet in praise of queen anne.
"
"a bushpig will root for its meals
in the bush, where it oinks and it squeals.
its long hairs are quite stiff?
but you're also right if
you guessed motorized snowboard on wheels.
"
"though my lawyers consider it sneaky
(i admit that the tactic is cheeky),
to wow judge and jury, i,
with amicus-type curiae,
will submit more than fifty amici.
"
"when i was a lass i inspired
delight, as my shape was admired.
now my once-comely breast
has gone east and spread west,
and my buttocks moved south and retired.
"
"each night, as i'm getting undressed,
my granddaughters point at my chest,
and these two little chubbies
say, ""there's bubbie's bubbies!""
i ask them to say, ""grandma's breast.""
"
"in december she asked me to sup.
as we dined, i drank cup after cup
of hot tea?i was wheezing?
a cold had me sneezing.
""it's freezing,"" she said, ""bundle up!""
"
"in the governor's race up in maine,
i need bushbucks to fund my campaign.
what is that? did you say
they are antelopes? hey!
that's so twisted, it gives me a pain!
"
"i have heard of a medicine that
guarantees to burn off excess fat.
i'll admit that i doubt
such a claim will pan out,
so i'm trying it first on my cat.
"
"in the bushland few people will settle.
it takes more than a knife and a kettle
to survive all alone
in the bush on one's own?
where the living's a test of one's mettle.
"
"of my dentist, i'll never complain;
my allegiance he's managed to gain.
not in word nor in deed
will he ever exceed
my absolute threshold for pain.
"
"butcher paper is made very thick;
it's for wrapping up meat. here's the trick:
it's so heavy, the blood
won't come through in a flood,
or a trickle that makes you feel sick.
"
"if you've trouble with cranial nerves,
then your bulb, the medulla, deserves
an intensive analysis,
as bulbar paralysis
throws curves to the structures it serves.
"
"my nephew had asked about bud scale.
he thought it was kind of a suds-scale
named for budweiser beer.
""it's botanic, i fear?
guards young buds."" he replied, ""it's a dud scale!""
"
"i am bullheaded, biased?what's worse?
i am wrongheaded, headstrong, perverse.
i am pigheaded, mulish,
so dogged i'm foolish;
i'm stubborn?but not very terse.
"
"a buffer state's sandwiched between
two others who glare and talk mean.
to assure its survival,
it supports neither rival.
if they fight, it just won't intervene.
"
"the word bullpen: a workplace (the sort
to which most of us hate to report),
in the ballpark, a space
for the pitchers, a place
in the jail for those going to court.
"
"the buckbean is very appealing;
the herbalists use it for healing.
it is found in the marsh
where conditions aren't harsh.
can it fix your uncomfortable feeling?
"
"allakaket's not easy to say;
it is cold, and it's far, far away.
but its small population
is part of our nation?
it's found in north-central ak.
"
"i don't know but what archie's a phony.
i met him last summer at coney.
he promised me marriage?
i hate to disparage?
but what archie had said was baloney.
"
"the brickfield's the place where they mix
the ingredients used to make bricks.
then those bricks they will shove in
to bake in an oven?
it's one of the brickmakers' tricks.
"
"life is loaded with burdensome rules,
like the stuff we are taught in our schools.
i prefer to be free,
both to do and to be?
a burdensome prospect for fools!
"
"those who make western prairies their home
will proclaim that the buffalo roam.
it's no use to ask why, son?
the right word is bison,
and that is the point of this poem.
"
"the blind date, i'd been warned, was a flash
in the pan; he was reckless?so brash.
i was taking no chances;
i braced for advances.
instead he ran off with my cash!
"
"for a term to describe someone who
is not older or younger than you,
try a soul mate? (dismay)
try a checkmate? (no way!)
but an age-mate's the mate that will do.
"
"every blume isn't certain to be
productive, attractive (like me),
since we also have felons
with heads shaped like melons:
a branch of our family tree.
"
"i often take parts in the staging
of plays with young characters raging.
if i play such a part
i need not just my art,
but a fountain of youth (antiaging).
"
"i hope our new puppy will kindle
a love that's sustained and won't dwindle.
he's tawny with black
that's in streaks on his back,
so i'd guess that we'd call him a brindle.
"
"an acid becomes anionic
when dissolving in water. take tonic,
for example, with gin
and a lemon slice in
a tall glass, on the rocks?that's hedonic!
"
"my grandsons arrived on a sunday
for a trip to the beach and a fun day,
but bacteria rose
and the beach had to close.
will the count  be acceptable monday?
"
"i'm in love with a beautiful blonde,
and i kissed her in hopes she'd respond;
but she asked my advice
on investments.  that's nice.
if i buy her a bond, will she bond?
"
"i enrolled with elan (with avidity),
though my interests betrayed some fluidity.
in college so far
i have learned to tend bar;
can i get a degree in liquidity?
"
"king arthur held court out at camelot,
he served bacon, and pork chops, and ham a lot.
for the kosher sir cohen
it was hard to keep goin';
said the knight, ""it ain't right! why not lamb a lot?""
"
"write a limerick?that is creation.
if you pilfer one?plagiarization.
if one's already there
on oedilf, and you dare,
click on ""workshop""?produce activation.
"
"amphipoda sport fourteen feet,
and they live in salt water or sweet,
like the beach flea, petite-est,
and maybe the neatest
crustacean that you'll ever meet.
"
"amphicarpa's a genus of vine.
found in asia, it tends to entwine
as it climbs on a wall.
if you wish, you may call
it hog peanut?the vine likes it fine.
"
"adulterated: not very nice
when describing your milk or a spice,
but be slow to disparage;
when applied to a marriage,
it implies a much weightier vice.
"
"my calendar hangs on the wall,
spring and summer and winter and fall.
as i stare at each square
and i see nothing there,
i declare i have no life at all.
"
"as an artifice, make up a fib,
whether red-faced and halting or glib.
i was trained in my highchair;
when you saw me in my chair,
it said world's sweetest girl on my bib.
"
"some colleagues may call me a slob,
not patrician, just one of the mob,
yet it's some compensation:
my orientation
is without any doubt antisnob.
"
"the catalog comes once a year;
around christmas it tends to appear.
it shows marvelous presents,
but not for us peasants;
the prices are always too dear.
"
"now i'm lonely and old, and i've found
i am cheered by the carousel's sound,
as the tunes that it plays
bring me back to the days
when i rode it, around and around.
"
"i hired an accountant last fall
who made promises, as i recall,
but my deficit's mounting;
accrual accounting
won't rescue my business at all.
"
"in the era of charlemagne's rule,
carolingian art, ada school,
would describe illustration,
the monks' great vocation,
by candlelight, perched on a stool.
"
"i'm in love with a fellow named harry.
i'm pregnant, but don't plan to marry.
here's a pill of the sort
that will make me abort?
an abortient to make me miscarry.
"
"a painter, who wore a beret
so artily, said in this way,
""ladies!  gents!  look at me ?
i'm an artist, you see!""
the effect was quite artless, i'd say.
"
"where african animals thrive,
frank buck would round up four or five.
then back home they would go,
to a zoo or a show.
""bring 'em back,"" said the showman, ""alive.""
"
"a laredo bond salesman whose passion'll
assure that his trading's irrational
will lose on each order,
both sides of the border;
his bad reputation's binational.
"
"my grandpa says, ""blue is our blood,
dating back to the biblical flood,
and our ancestor's noah,
not an ape or a boa,
or a fish growing lungs in the mud.""
"
"to me the man seemed antimacho,
a lover of brie and gazpacho.
he kept us from ruin
and asked, ""how'm i doin'?""
i refer to the mayor ed koch-o.
"
"in the rome of domitian's day
anti-christian positions held sway.
then constantine's vision
inspired his decision
to christianize rome all the way.
"
"our bursae are fluid-filled sacks
near our elbows, our knees and our backs.
when they're working and fit,
we don't feel them a bit,
but they hurt when bursitis attacks.
"
"is this huge south american food fish,
arapaima, a dominant brood fish?
when he calls on his mate
for a freshwater date,
does she ever play not-in-the-mood fish?
"
"""doc, you've tested my testes: no sperm.
are my gonads too hot?what's that term?""
""no, it's not hyperthermia
that's caused your aspermia?
your vasectomy's still holding firm.""
"
"one who's bumptious is known as a pest.
he is loud and stands out from the rest.
he's intrusive and crude,
self-assertive and rude;
you would never want him as a guest.
"
"my buddy created a racket
when he buttonholed me: ""you won't hack it
with the rich and the famous,
you big ignoramus;
the buttonhole's torn on your jacket!""
"
"my wife's cooking, between you and me,
is not what i'd wish it to be.
she not only burns toast,
cakes and meatloaf and roast,
but for breakfast she serves me black tea.
"
"a scotsman one day, with a grin,
lined up all of his kith and his kin.
he announced, ""we're all diggin'
to build me a biggin;
grab shovels! get ready! begin!""
"
"my hearing is somewhat impaired.
when she introduced jack, i was scared,
as his business, it seems,
is ""buy athletes""! such schemes
are illegal?i stood there and stared.
"
"first time out, it was chancy to leave her
hunting deer?even trapping for beaver.
when she sighted a doe,
how she quaked?head to toe,
and the guys shook their heads, ""it's buck fever.""
"
"break-even: this point marks a stage
which a process may reach at some age?
neither profit nor loss
in the figures that cross
on the bookkeeper's balance-sheet page.
"
"an aircraftman, hank, drew a blank,
when borrowing funds from a bank.
he was told, ""we're afraid
that you're much too low-paid.""
(in the airforce, he's lowest in rank.)
"
"their erudite volumes had citings
from the fathers' catena of writings,
as they wrote their church history;
so it wasn't a mystery
that the monarch was pleased with their knightings.
"
"for her birthday, i wrote mom a ditty,
and baked her a cake that looked pretty;
but trying to wow 'er,
used cornmeal for flour.
the cake turned out arenose (gritty).
"
"astrognosy sounds a bit strange.
it's the knowledge of stars, which will change,
i admit, with a sigh,
as we canvass the sky,
through the telescope's broadening range.
"
"there is little i find in creation
that encourages antilibration.
there's imbalance in life
between stillness and strife:
too much yang, while the yin's on vacation.
"
"when a tooth hurts, i always take heed,
so i'll call up my dentist with speed.
darn!?the pain feels neuralgic.
an antiodontalgic
is just what i'll tell him i need.
"
"my mouth has gone terribly dry;
my saliva has bid me goodbye.
you will pardon the nihilism,
but i'm facing aptyalism?
can't spit, and afraid i will die.
"
"an old epileptic named fritz
once suffered from terrible fits.
when he found them repellant,
an anticonvellent
restored him to health.  there he sits!
"
"my son, when he first played with play-doh,
his energy like a tornado,
heaved missiles at dozens
of uncles and cousins,
all trapped in a grand ambuscado.
"
"in biology class i learn terms
for the eggs of some annelid worms.
they are atokous, hexed
(as they're wholly un-sexed)?
just to think of it gives me the squirms.
"
"it's aplasia if something's not there
when a baby is born. it's not rare
that the lobe of the ear
has just failed to appear.
you appear to be missing a pair!
"
"when music is written with brio,
it's lively, like sambas in rio,
and does not, if you please,
mean it's covered with cheese.
(for your brie: n-a-b-i-s-c-o.)
"
"two flowers, with great trepidation,
plan to mate?they await pollination;
but if they're out of phase
by a couple of days,
they will fail at their fertilization.
"
"i approached her with kindness and flattery?
the cat that i bought at the cattery;
but each time, i'll admit,
that i touched her, she bit.
she committed assault?also battery.
"
"i was nine, maybe ten, thereabouts,
and was subject to grossmutter's shouts?
""you don't move till you ate
every green on the plate!""?
when the menu involved brussels sprouts.
"
"many cats enjoy catnip and find
that it drives them right out of their mind.
after going berserk,
they'll stretch out with a smirk,
as to catnap they're rather inclined.
"
"the government's bills, it's been hinted,
will be paid for with bills that they've printed,
out of government tills
filled with billions of bills
and the millions of coins that they've minted.
"
"since my garden is sunny and spacious,
i'm looking for trees that are gracious;
but as orange won't rhyme,
tell the landscaper i'm
seeking trees that must be aurantiaceous.
"
"the cabin boy wouldn't be trapped in
so lowly a role; he was wrapped in
a blanket of dreams
and impossible schemes
that would land him the job of a captain.
"
"when i'm bushed, it's my favorite thing;
it can make me feel rich as a king.
in my bathtub i soak;
i'm a prince among folk,
till it's done and i clean out the ring.
"
"i found medical school quite a drag.
the diseases i saw made me gag.
an old herbalists' book
had my answer; just look?
filled with allheal, my little black bag.
"
"with a platform of wood as its fronting,
our capitol's covered in bunting.
the governor's greeting
the nra meeting,
forgetting he's been antihunting.
"
"i will never forget auntie mame;
in the play she burns bright as a flame.
spend an evening with her
and you'll have to concur
broadway never will be quite the same.
"
"there once was a man from del mar
whose license plate fell off his car.
his response, automatic,
was antibureaucratic:
he repaired to the neighborhood bar.
"
"she was star of the play (summer stock),
and the prettiest girl on the block.
when she said, ""see you soon,""
i fell down in a swoon;
wish my love life had been anti-shock.
"
"when you drink dry champagne from a flute
(it's the nectar of gods, made from fruit),
then recall julius caesar?
that old roman geezer
said something like, ""et tu, you brute!""
"
"when we smooched on the swing on your porch,
this romance seemed so hot it would  scorch.
thought i'd carry the day,
but you drifted away,
so instead i just carry the torch.
"
"nez perce learned to handle them best,
and would ride appaloosas with zest.
we're unsure of their source,
but this wonderful horse
was (and still is) the pride of the west.
"
"a car bomb went off on our street.
all the neighbors then beat a retreat;
but the terrorists cried
because nobody died,
and for them, that's a major defeat.
"
"drive a car in the city? no fun!
traffic's crazy. road etiquette? none.
drivers curse and they bark,
and what's worse?you can't park.
i just call for a cab, and i'm done.
"
"though conservatives put up a squeal,
all his policies had an appeal
to the man in the street,
so that no one could beat
fdr and his '30s big deal.
"
"i am tired and beginning to droop,
and i just can't keep up with my troop,
so i'll go have a drink?
a bullshot i think.
it is made out of vodka and soup!
"
"with a bullwhip, our dad had a knack
of producing a deafening crack,
so i stayed well-behaved.
it was conduct that saved
me from feeling that whip on my back.
"
"can't sleep 'cause you're feeling depressed?
are your clothes hanging loose when you're dressed?
though i can't add a pin
to take your clothes in,
will adapin bring you some rest?
"
"agnus dei, the lamb of the lord,
is the image i drew on the board,
and it's sung in the mass?oh,
by mezzo and basso?
if both can accomplish accord.
"
"in a sack lois kept in her closet
was some loess, or silt.  i said, ""was it
from the river's wide mouth?
or a mound in the south?""
she replied, ""an aeolian deposit.""
"
"he barged in on the holiday feast.
people stared; conversation just ceased.
with his food in his fist,
gravy dripped down his wrist.
he was brutish?he ate like a beast.
"
"arenicolous creatures are grand;
they're the best of those dwelling on land.
can't define arenicolous?
don't be ridic-olous!
it simply means living in sand.
"
"an alien may have no nose
and antennae for ears, i suppose;
antialien, then,
means against little men
(the green ones that fly u.f.o.s).
"
"the term adenomegaly means
that they're swollen ? our glands, sometimes spleens.
a virus or tumor
will cause this dishumor;
it's not just a matter of genes.
"
"a busker who works in the streets
will buttonhole people he meets,
and will give public shows?
then around his hat goes.
(staying solvent's the best of his feats.)
"
"my fourth wife, carlotta, agrees:
we'll divorce, and we'll do it with ease.
with my third wife, cecille,
i was tough, but i feel
there are plenty more fish in the  cs.
"
"on the train, the conductor was spruce
in her outfit of navy and puce.
she was small in the breast,
with a flatcar-shaped chest,
but she had a colossal caboose.
"
"a cantaloupe says to a plum,
""let's run off and be wed! will you come?""
""can't elope,"" she replies,
""we're too different in size.""
so he sighs, melancholy and glum.
"
"they were married outdoors, 'neath the trees,
where their awnings and tents caught the breeze.
when she said, with a frown,
""take the canopies down,""
he came back with a large can of peas.
"
"my guy buck likes to capture wild game
on safari.  it's won him great fame.
what would i like to capture?
a moment of rapture,
then maybe his name?that's my aim!
"
"your fantasies you may fulfill
in the beautiful land of brazil,
where the amazon flows,
and the coffee bean grows,
and the samba will give you a thrill.
"
"an armer is one who'll prepare
with armaments, armies who dare,
if well-armored, to go
into war against foe,
while the armor's what soldiers will wear.
"
"an adwoman's job is to sell.
if she's good, she may do it quite well;
but she isn't in sales?
she writes slogans, tells tales
that make merchandise hotter than hell.
"
"a blazoner?what was he for
in the past that we call ""days of yore""?
he designed coats of arms.
now the word's lost its charms?
it means ""publicist""?hoopla galore!
"
"anolis: a genus of lizard
that's rarely found out in a blizzard;
they're chameleons that,
at the drop of a hat,
can disguise themselves, just like a wizard.
"
"a cataract forms in the lens
of the eye?both in women's and men's.
it's a waterfall, too,
in the streams that flow through
from the hills to the meadows and fens.
"
"in this pot i am mixing a brew.
i admit it looks something like glue.
an astringent and dye
will emerge by and by?
now i've breathed in the fumes?catechu!
"
"advertence is setting your mind?
your attention?on something you find
to be vital and true,
so we couldn't say you
inadvertently left it behind.
"
"i was sent to the school every sunday.
""it will be,"" said my parents, ""a fun-day.
they'll ask catechism questions.
just take their suggestions.
you'll thank us for sending you, one day!""
"
"i used to play records with ease,
both the seventy-eights and lps,
but the vinyl would scratch,
and the needle would catch?
glad that music now comes on cds.
"
"first caviler, then cavalier;
one's a gentleman lover.  it's queer:
while a caviler quibbles,
cavaliers enjoy nibbles
of the lobe of a lady-love's ear.
"
"bluebell ii is a cat i adore.
she's been with me for ten years or more,
and she sleeps on my bed
(at the foot, not the head),
but she never complains when i snore.
"
"here's your x-ray.  i'm telling you straight:
it's tb, and it's serious, mate.
the bacilli have gravitated
to the hole that was cavitated.
get some treatment before it's too late!
"
"my jockey-friend's jocund; he banters.
""i've a question?those synagogue chanters:
which equestrian pace
do they like? do they race?""
""when a cantor's on horseback, he canters.""
"
"there once was a man from peru
who exclaimed, ""i don't know what to do.
back in lima, some crooks
need a boat, and it looks
like they're planning to steal my canoe!""
"
"you've been hit by a car; your prognosis
is good?there's no break or thrombosis.
but the crash may remain
way back there in your brain,
in the form of an accident neurosis.
"
"a boxer (his thinking appalls!)
gives a rival, who usually mauls,
andromedotoxin
to ruin his boxin';
one sip and his blood pressure falls.
"
"antelucan means ""held before light,""
before dawn and the sun growing bright.
early christians met then
for their prayers; that was when
persecution in rome reached its height.
"
"there's no help counting wheels on a humber,
or your nieces, or pieces of lumber,
from a prince of the church,
or a bird on a perch?
what you need is a cardinal number.
"
"on the farm, all the horses and cows
found that booze had been mixed in their chows;
so they partied till dawn,
singing, carrying on,
in a rollicking livestock carouse.
"
"in my cabinet, i put away
all the games that i played with today;
and i wonder (don't you?)
if the president, too,
in his cabinet, finds games to play.
"
"the anatomist loved lottie ling.
for her carpus, a bracelet he'd bring.
with an anklet, well placed,
lottie's tarsus he graced;
on her digit, he placed a gold ring.
"
"a card shark's not really a fish
that you'd catch, cook, and serve in a dish.
he plays cards with finesse,
or he cheats, i would guess;
either way, takes your pay (that's his wish).
"
"soon it's mother's day; isn't that nice?
i will offer some useful advice:
mothers love to get mail,
so be sure you don't fail.
send a cardamom; please her with spice!
"
"first the biopsy needle will jab;
then the tissue is sent to the lab.
you will soon get an answer.
let's hope it's not cancer?
the illness that's named for a crab.
"
"the calpacs are heavy black caps
you will find, if you look at your maps,
in a place called the caucasus.
and never too raucous is
the chap in a cap that has flaps.
"
"if it weren't for dino, there'd be no
more of blackjack for me, and no keno.
in casinos we play at
these games, when i stay at
his casino near monte cassino.
"
"he's a narcissist. ask him right now,
and he'll gladly (and how) take a bow.
he conducts his affairs
while he's putting on airs?
cat's pajamas (like wow!), cat's meow!
"
"with pal paddie i chat, chew the fat.
seems he'll castrate his dog.  fancy that!
he will go to the vet
with his innocent pet.
hell, i wouldn't do that to a rat!
"
"a time capsule, launched into space,
to land at some faraway place,
carried coke, mr. clean,
and a time magazine
representing our earth?a disgrace!
"
"a cardsharp makes money from poker,
while he smiles and beguiles like a joker;
and he's not above cheating
to assure that he's beating
a path, with your cash, to his broker.
"
"she's talking of marriage?how dismal.
i'm broke and my future's abysmal.
my life's on the skids
and she wants to have kids.
is she pregnant? now that's cataclysmal!
"
"casaba's a melon?a fruit,
while cassava's a veggie?a root.
if i got them confused
i would not be amused;
i would lose my repute as astute.
"
"casaba's a treat you'll enjoy;
it is sweet but its taste doesn't cloy.
it's a beautiful melon,
as lovely as helen,
whose beauty undid ancient troy.
"
"our computers fulfill every need;
they do math with incredible speed.
they can animate comics?
what's next? autonomics?
can they actually translate and read?
"
"cagney's acting came straight from the heart.
he was master of cinema's art;
and all calls he would answer,
for gangster or dancer.
george cohan? perhaps his best part.
"
"a carpet tack's really a bore.
it keeps carpeting fixed to the floor,
so you won't trip and fall
on the carpet.  that's all!
(do we really want anything more?)
"
"in the catskills, the summer resorts
served new yorkers in swimsuits and shorts.
young comedians earned
modest wages and learned
to amuse mr. katz and miss schwartz.
"
"they say ""handles"" where others say ""names""?
those cbers?and one of their aims
is to cackle like geese
when they spot state police.
the cbers play functional games!
"
"""i adore you,"" i swore, ""i implore you,
lenore!""  she replied, ""i abhor you!
ed said redheaded ted
saw you bedded with fred!""
""ted is lying!"" i cried.  (does this bore you?)
"
"every decade, the census invasion
means i'm asked for my racial persuasion.
i keep telling the man
that i'm beige-pinkish-tan,
but he wants me to say i'm caucasian.
"
"castrati, a long time ago,
sang in opera, as most of us know.
their high voices won fame
and great public acclaim.
they were perfect (except down below).
"
"a cantankerous fellow is sour.
there's no pleasure for him in a flower,
but an argument or
a dispute, he'll adore;
he will curse and complain for an hour.
"
"""your library's truly capacious.
it holds oodles of books, and it's spacious,""
said the egghead's young guest,
""i'm profoundly impressed.
and you've read every one? goodness gracious!""
"
"the artist had painted my head;
in the portrait i looked almost dead.
to the pallid complexion
i voiced an objection,
""paint the lips with some cadmium red!""
"
"it's a new kind of ad campaign, with
father zeus, all his kin, and his kith.
aphrodite sells bras,
amphitrite sells spas;
all the salespeople come from greek myth.
"
"on the stage, her translucent camise,
loose and breezy, seemed certain to please;
but sans camisole under it,
it's surely no wonder it
was caught in a censorship freeze.
"
"the train's driver could make no excuse;
the train bumped, set the cabin car loose.
he chugged on with a smile
for at least half a mile
till the brakeman said, ""where's the caboose?""
"
"my friend dolly complains, in her folly
(painting embryos riding a trolley),
""i'm artistic. i'm mystic.
i'm surrealistic.
i'm named after salvador dali!""
"
"this bullfighter's garment is drapeable,
and it's flippable, flappable, shapeable.
toro thrusts at the cape,
which he cannot escape
till he's killed, if the matador's capable.
"
"the king looked around with a frown
when he noticed the gem on the gown
of the queen.  he said, ""from
where'd the cabochon come?
have you stolen it, dear, from my crown?""
"
"our bus driver drank at the cash bar
at the party in genevieve's hash bar.
he returned to the bus
with a wobble, and thus
we made sure that our door had a crash bar.
"
"she'd been ill (so i heard people say).
hadn't seen her in many a day;
but i noticed she'd thinned
when a capful of wind
blew her dressing gown out of the way.
"
"if you're manic and out of control,
and your life's like a bottomless hole,
then a camisole's arms
may protect you from harms
while your medicine works toward its goal.
"
"as a purgative it was a beaut,
but now calomel's virtues are moot,
because mercurous chloride
can leave a man sore-eyed,
and mercury-poisoned to boot!
"
"denise and dorinda are dressed
in the same shade of green; i attest
that they're bobbsey twins, odd-
ly like peas in a pod,
or two buds in a flower-press pressed.
"
"though your hair partly hides it, i fear
one can still see your cauliflower ear.
it's the prime souvenir
of your boxing career,
but at least you can hear?can't you, dear?
"
"when i put on my clothes, my blood curdles;
my underwear's worst of the hurdles.
what isn't so bad is
that caddis, i'm glad, is
the ribbon that's used in my girdles.
"
"more than meat, fish or chicken, or greens,
the man in my life enjoys beans?
not the string or the wax kind,
the gives-gas-attacks kind.
he no longer fits in his jeans.
"
"o captan, mercaptan, i dread
what i'll find when your stink fills my head.
adding thiol to gas
is a pain in the ass
but far better than ending up dead.
"
"a cabdriver said to his fare,
""i will go where you like; just say where.""
(then the bloke in the back
pulled a gun on the hack.)
""not to heaven; please don't send me there!""
"
"o captan, my captan, i know
that without you my crops wouldn't grow.
you're the fungicide spray
that i need to allay
all the woe that brings low what i sow.
"
"in some countries i don't have to name,
run for office??a dangerous game.
one may start as a maverick
and end up cadaveric.
that's called democratic? for shame!
"
"in a cabin, abe lincoln was born.
by its firelight, he studied till morn;
as a lawyer, self-taught?
though his enemies thought
all these stories were illinois corn.
"
"ms. babbage avows, ""cabbage rose
has the sweetest of smells to the nose.""
when she plants some, ms. babbage
grows only skunk cabbage.
""heaven knows,"" babbage crows, ""why it grows!""
"
"reading newspapers daily, i've found
that carcinogens seem to abound
in our food, in the air?
they cause cancer, beware!?
here and there, everywhere, all around!
"
"we went out on a date, and by jove a
sneak attack he had planned on my ova.
his approach was complex,
but his object was sex.
""who are you, jack,"" i asked, ""casanova?""
"
"""my case history reads like a novel.
i was raised in a broken-down hovel,
made a fortune on stocks?
now my life's on the rocks!
can you save me?"" i said, ""please don't grovel.""
"
"though you injured the nerve in the past,
all the burning and pain seem to last.
we call it causalgia,
a type of neuralgia.
seek medical treatment, and fast!
"
"his ladder was quite perpendicular
as he climbed up one tree in particular.
he was after the best
candid shot of a nest.
""all my models,"" he said, ""are avicular.""
"
"these letters i'll put in italic:
the h that's encountered in phallic,
t and w in towels?
they come before vowels?
the word for them's antevocalic.
"
"there's not an iota of fat
on his body; his abdomen's flat.
bulging pecs on his torso?
he's handsome, and more so?
an authentic adonis, at that.
"
"said my friend, as he opened a beer,
""there's a catboat tied up at my pier.""
i assumed it was green,
though i never had seen
the keen dinghy described by e. lear.
"
"bikinis can generate fun;
bra and thong?both admit lots of sun.
but this beach won't allow
two-piece bathing suits? wow!
then i'll have to eliminate one.
"
"i loved it when i was a kid,
although none of the other kids did,
so no bully would punch
me and hijack my lunch?
calamari (italian-style squid.)
"
"i am head over heels over fred?
my most intimate friend, so i've said;
i have overheard buzzin's
that we're cater-cousins.
no matter?we're soon to be wed.
"
"the cavalry, rounding the bend,
gallops straight toward the fort to defend
against blackfoot attack.
they assault; braves fall back,
music up, movie over, the end.
"
"the blanket of wool was bright red
and i thought it would make a nice spread;
brought it back to the store
showing moth holes galore,
but ""it's caveat emptor,"" they said.
"
"i decided to find a new man.
bush league baseball was part of my plan.
at the game i met paul
when we chased a foul ball?
meeting fellas is catch-as-catch-can.
"
"be they creatures with two or four feet,
all the carnivores love to eat meat,
whether caught on the run
or saut?ed on a bun.
at the top of the food chain's their seat.
"
"many ships did he sail, captain brown,
but his last one, alas, brought renown.
like a statue of wood,
by its capstan he stood
as it sank?with his ship he went down.
"
"uncle dave brags he lives in a cave,
underground. ""though it looks like a grave,
when i tire of my cavern,
i visit the tavern?
just think of the money i save!""
"
"the least pliable hairs that one grows
(they were braided for fun, i suppose?
not because of a curse?
in miss waterrocks' verse)
are the bristlelike hairs in your nose.
"
"my fiance's an old-fashioned boy.
my cds (acid rock) he'd destroy.
lawrence welk makes him smile?
he says, ""hon, that's my style.
back to basics is what i enjoy.""
"
"when he broods, david seems to be dazed.
he looks dreamy, with eyes that are glazed,
but his thoughts are no ruder
than designing our brooder?
the structure where chickens are raised.
"
"some arachnids are champion spinners;
in their webs they can capture their dinners.
some are scorpions, ticks,
even ear mites?bad picks?
so for me, count the spiders as winners.
"
"i can see the world's going to hell
in a handbasket, yet when i tell
all my neighbors, they say,
""there's cassandra; oy vey!""
pitching truth is a very hard sell!
"
"in some restaurants, charges are added.
i hate it if checks have been padded.
when charged in some venues
for use of the menus,
reacting, i've often ""egad!""-ed.
"
"late last night, something told me i gotta
write a limerick using a lotta
rare old words, seldom heard,
like, for instance, the word:
annotto (annatto, annotta).
"
"it's important to be understood.
my accountant once told me i should
pay my taxes per anum;
i decided to cane 'im.
(his latin is not very good.)
"
"your mother informs me that you're still
in reform school, or rather a borstal.
hope they teach about righting
a wrong without fighting,
and you're not bent on winning by force, still.
"
"first i get into bed, then i find
that a curtain drops down in my mind.
though my life is a mess,
on the dreamland express
i can leave all my troubles behind.
"
"in their palace they ate off gold plates
with the royals from neighboring states.
on the guests' plates were beans,
but the king's and the queen's
held fine viands?the choicest of cates!
"
"in his articles, written in wrath,
revolution was france's great path.
after charlotte corday
drew her knife, marat lay?
he was soaking in blood in his bath.
"
"it's advehent; it brings something in?
just imagine you're pricked by a pin.
nerve cells carry the pain
from your leg to your brain,
so you know you've been stuck in the shin.
"
"catecholamines: neurotransmitters
and hormones i'd call heavy hitters.
they reach a great height
when we choose ""fight-or-flight,""
or we're anxious and having the jitters.
"
"is your blood pressure bouncing around?
is your headache the kind that will pound?
ask your doctor to see?
will a carcinoid be
the pathology that will be found?
"
"said one helix, ""my dear, all the gentry
will stop, and they'll stare at your entry!
you look gorgeous!""  her mate
said, ""my love, you will rate
among molecules, most complementary!""
"
"'cause he left me and traveled away
'cross the causey that stretched 'cross the bay,
'cause he took all my cash,
'cause he caused me to crash?
see a causey? it ruins my day!
"
"when a bullfighter fights every day,
he should work up a thirst, i would say.
does he drink yerba mates,
sip teas, or down lattes?
his favorite's caf? au lait.
"
"he who's bellicose spoils for a fight?
and that's whether he's wrong or he's right.
he's convinced he can mangle
any foe in a tangle
(but he often will choose someone light).
"
"it's the kind of a nostrum one shuns.
if you take castor oil, you get runs;
but our nanny, with pride,
cast her oil far and wide?
bringing grief to our daughters and sons.
"
"he was wearing a camel's hair coat,
and an ascot was tied at his throat.
and he thought he was cool,
but he looked like a fool?
it was summer; he smelled like a goat.
"
"my friend traveled many a mile
in an achkan he wore with a smile?
no, not in an ashcan,
a garbage or trash can?
a coat of an indian style.
"
"in his caseload are several guys
of the type that most folks would despise.
with his yale education
he wins them probation
(from judges with yale old school ties).
"
"i appreciate what your intent is:
sending junior to harvard.  his bent is
not studious. rate
his iq.  eighty-eight?
i'm afraid he's just not campus mentis.
"
"my assistant is still on probation.
he makes links?that defines catenation.
it's not a fixation
on cat liberation
(which would win him a feline ovation!)
"
"not a pussycat's uncle or aunt,
a catkin is part of a plant,
like a tree that will settle
for a flower sans petal;
can a willow make petals?  it can't.
"
"carpal tunnel (the syndrome), i feared,
had been making my fingers feel weird,
so without too much urgin'
i went to the surgeon.
he fixed it?it's now disappeared.
"
"some say ""cav-i-ar,"" some ""cav-i-ar,""
yet the second sounds better by far.
you'll impress any wench
if you sound like you're french?
but you'll gasp at the price of the jar.
"
"the catacombs, deep in the ground,
is where ancient remains may be found,
and for christians in rome
they were prayers' early home,
until constantine turned things around.
"
"if you live off the land, life is cruel
in the southwest u.s., but a jewel
of a plant, i'm assured,
is the buffalo gourd,
as its seeds yield an oil good for fuel.
"
"he can play till he's blue in the face,
but his music is still a disgrace.
why the guy plays bull fiddle
is simply a riddle;
he's hopeless at playing string bass.
"
"as he worked on his puzzle (acrostic),
he said, ""damn it, these words make my jaw stick!""
she looked at him fox-eyed?
""drink sodium hydroxide!""
do you think her response was too caustic?
"
"more impressive than ever before,
in formation they marched cross the floor,
and the troops at the head
carried posters that read:
""see the world! join the army ant corps.""
"
"i just can't get it out of my head.
has she gone on a cruise? well, she said
that lately she sleeps
(and it gives me the creeps)
every night in a snug captain's bed.
"
"capitation is something i dread.
it's a tax or a fee by the head.
i've one body, like you,
but my heads number two,
so by taxes i'm doubly bled!
"
"when my tv won't work any more,
the cable guy comes to my door.
though i hope he'll be hot,
with the luck that i've got
he is usually bald, and a bore.
"
"when the power grid fails, and the size
of the sector that's dark by surprise
is substantial, and light
is lost more than one night,
nine months later the birth rate should rise.
"
"two cannibals chatting: ""i've seen one
of those loud politicians?a mean one!
ever eat one of those?""
when he asked, his friend rose
and said, ""eat one? good lord! ever clean one?""
"
"a cartopper's one kind of boat;
it's so light that it's easy to tote.
tie it down to the roof
of your car?but don't goof;
first remove from the car, and then float.
"
"""on my sandwich, what is that i spy?
are there bugs in the bread?"" sally's cry
made me freeze.  i said, ""please
eat your ham-and-swiss-cheese.
those are caraway seeds in the rye.""
"
"this budget committee's a trap;
their pretense of fair-mindedness, crap!
they've already agreed
on no increase.  we'll need
to use last year's amount as a cap.
"
"eugenia came from slovenia
to be treated for hematopenia.
all her docs, in the know,
said her menstrual flow
was the cause of her woe: catamenia.
"
"it's so sad, being sick, but what's sadder?
my nurse makes me madder and madder.
that dame with ten thumbs
with a catheter comes
and tries ramming it into my bladder.
"
"our affair shouldn't cause you anxiety;
i'll conduct it with perfect propriety,
biosocial?and it
will be fully legit?
love your bio, and crave your society!
"
"my forebears earned blackbirder's pay,
but they weren't ornithologists. they
sailed their boats o'er the waves,
and they caught and sold slaves.
i regret their black deeds to this day!
"
"there are mice in each cranny and hole
in my house.  rodent-free is my goal.
they are ravenous chaps,
but i don't favor traps;
i've decided on biocontrol.
"
"catecholamines also include
what's called dopamine, vital for mood,
and disturbed in addiction?
that oddball affliction
of those who are chronically stewed.
"
"""should i purchase a catherine wheel?""
said the clerk, ""it's a very good deal,
'cause it spins when you light
it, and lights up the night.
kids will squeal. its appeal is for real!""
"
"it's a live, self-sustaining community,
whose participants have opportunity
for a hopeful prognosis.
this biocoenosis
lets living proceed with impunity.
"
"bha in the food that we buy
preserves many a cookie and pie,
or we'll use bht,
but beware bhc?
it's insecticide; eat it?you die.
"
"in bermuda, an ugly old hag
once designed, from a faded old flag,
a most wonderful purse,
that for her is a curse?
they are both called bermuda, the bag.
"
"pbj in my baggie (with crunch)
makes a striking and sweet midday munch.
though my whiskers are shaggy,
and clothing is baggy,
i bagged the most wonderful lunch!
"
"adeciduate trees, in the fall,
don't shed leaves like my oak tree at all
(no broad leaves of their own?
some have needle and cone).
every christmas they spruce up the mall.
"
"it was there, on my chemistry quiz.
bichloride of mercury is:
___what laundries wash socks in
___a dangerous toxin
___the stuff that gives sodas their fizz.
"
"she took lessons to be a conductor.
in the carbarn, a handsome instructor
took her out in a bus,
and she made quite a fuss
when he plucked her, then mucked her?then chucked her.
"
"though a carman is found in a car,
a carboy is different by far.
it's the large, bulky vessel
in the lab you might wrestle,
while acids you pour from this jar.
"
"the drug calcium carbamide's tricks
will stop liquor from giving you kicks.
if you're drinking like hell,
it can help you get well
when you find that with booze it won't mix.
"
"you get bronchospasm petting your kitty,
and from gunk in the air of the city,
called urban miasma.
crud gets in your plasma?
the asthma it causes ain't pretty.
"
"the word blivet may cause some confusion.
it's an optical type of illusion,
or a battlefield urn,
or a lapse of concern,
or a hopeless or mindless intrusion.
"
"though my sailboat is old, and it's tiny,
i love to go out on the briny.
i like maritime sports,
but i can't wear short shorts,
as the saltwater splashes my heinie.
"
"my family thinks it quite odd
that i've purchased this run-down cape cod?
a cottage, i hope
(i admit the floors slope)
to remodel. i'm handy, thank god!
"
"in his sermons he mixed up cabala
with visions of odin's valhalla;
but in spite of this wallowing,
he had a great following?
at the service he served wine and challah.
"
"a carryall once was a way
to travel; it isn't today.
it's a basket or sack
full of stuff that you pack
for a trip, when you're going away.
"
"achilles had brains in his cranium,
but his failing remained his calcaneum.
hit his heel bone? he's dead,
'cause he hadn't, instead,
a prosthesis made out of titanium.
"
"an eagle's a large bird of prey
that must fly in the sky every day.
i tried pretense to get
one to stay as a pet,
but my caginess gave me away.
"
"edward jenner produced live vaccine
against smallpox, a virus that's mean,
while vaccines of killed germs,
in bacterial terms,
are called bacterins.  now they're routine.
"
"said the bedouin chief with a smile,
""cross the desert? a terrible trial!
if you travel by truck
you are sure to get stuck?
for a  camel you'd then walk a mile!""
"
"scaly skin? build your healthy-look bias in
a diet you'll really feel pious in.
eat your vitamin bs;
ward off dermal disease
with a proper consumption of niacin.
"
"he barged in with a gun in each hand,
and pronounced a peculiar command:
""hand your gold and your cash
to the guy with the sash,
and no giggling! do y'all understand?""
"
"after sit-ups my tum needs a rub
and a soak in a hot water tub?
not quite to a boil?
and then wintergreen oil
besmears all my aches to a stub.
"
"""a basketball's usually spherical,""
said the man at the counter (a clerical,
though his smile was cherubic).
""your version is cubic!
you ask for a patent? hysterical!""
"
"when they listen, her speech sounds rhetorical.
her assertions all seem categorical;
but they can't figure out
what she's talking about.
she is delphi's notorious oracle.
"
"these are catclaws: the prickly plants
that are often the cause of my rants.
like the claws of a feline,
their thorns make a beeline
for mischief. they stick to my pants.
"
"i need money.  i'm broke and in hock.
on a canvas, i painted a clock.
it is painted real well,
and i'm sure it will sell,
so i'll canvass the folks on my block.
"
"if you have just a single butut,
it will not purchase very much loot.
a single dalasi
won't buy much that's classy?
not even a small piece of fruit.
"
"when you're slimming, your doctor decrees
there are too many lipids in cheese.
if you're bored eating peas,
here's a hint that will please:
try the food at lo fat cantonese.
"
"are you hungry? well, i'm in the mood
for some hot cafeteria food.
since the place is self-service,
try not to get nervous,
'cause dropping your tray would be rude.
"
"i grow cabbages, barley, and hops,
and my living depends on these crops.
now i find my pet peeve's
something's eating my leaves?
it's the cabbageworm busting my chops!
"
"when grandma was hit by a tram,
papa sent me a message. i am
feeling sick in my gut
'cause i'm far away, but
i was able to cable my gram.
"
"my sweater is made of cashmere.
such clothing is precious and dear.
when i wear it to dine,
i expect a fine wine,
but my boyfriend just buys me a beer.
"
"she went out on her date in disguise,
like one of those cia spies,
and proceeded to pass
as low middle class,
pouring catsup all over her fries.
"
"like the claws of a fierce bird of prey,
the thing clung to his nose that sad day.
the accipiter's shield
helped his schnoz till it healed,
though he looked pretty weird, truth to say.
"
"the boatbuilder wanted to talk.
it was strange that he seemed white as chalk.
""ma'am, your dinghy will sink;
you'll be thrown in the drink!
i can fix it. i'll have to use caulk.""
"
"a cat's-paw's a knot sailors make,
or a breeze that will ripple a lake;
but it's also a fool
who's a dupe or a tool
for a con man?a phony, a fake.
"
"my british friend, nigel, is geeky.
his brother describes him as beaky.
this description arose
from the length of his nose,
which is cyrano-like?kind of freaky.
"
"there once was a lady called leah
who opined, ""i feel blah. now would be a
time to swallow this tonic.""
but her choice was moronic?
cascara, and not cascarilla.
"
"a capriccio's a prank, or a whim,
or a musical piece (not a hymn)
that is lively and bright,
like the opera that might
seem, for strauss, just a little bit prim.
"
"can you picture my canny old aunt
dancing cancan, then stopping to pant?
i say, ""auntie, sit down!""
she replies with a frown,
""i've a cramp in my can, so i can't.""
"
"said the vulture, ""i fear folks will mark us
when they see how dead animals spark us
into noisy disputes.
they'll consider us brutes
if we're quibbling while nibbling a carcass.""
"
"a critic who's captious upsets
the poor folks who fall into his nets.
to a captious inquiry,
responses are fiery.
i suggest we shun both of them?let's!
"
"in a capitated system, your docs
make less profit when you're on the rocks.
while you're healthy and strong
they get fees, right along,
but no more when you're down with the pox.
"
"are the caplets a clan? one that kills
lots of montagues; does it for thrills
in shakespeare's great play?
no, i'm sorry to say,
they are coated and oval-shaped pills.
"
"in their cottage, a lover named cheever
was kissed off by his consort, a weaver.
their bungalow juts
o'er the bay, held by struts,
and i ask myself, ""why cantilever?""
"
"black peppercorns, spheroid like peas,
grow on vines and are likely to please.
when they're dried, they're a spice
that for cooking is nice,
but the ground vietnamese makes me sneeze.
"
"a right angle theorem's no use
for an amblygon. let's call a truce.
the pythagoras rule
that we all learned in school
is no good if one angle's obtuse.
"
"an archbishopric: this is the base
that the archbishop's powers embrace.
each monsignor and priest,
from the highest to least,
is respected (if not in disgrace).
"
"jacko did it, kids saw it. it soon
to the break-dancing kids was a boon.
it's a series of moves,
that's like walking, but proves
to work backwardly, like on the moon.
"
"at times he's so fearful, he cowers
when he thinks of the monast'ry's powers.
said the novice, ""i pray
long and hard, every day,
i won't sleep through canonical hours.""
"
"if you've ever had typhoid, you know
that the illness can bring people low.
antityphoid drugs save
many folks from the grave ?
would have spared typhoid mary her woe.
"
"antibourgeois: the radical's creed;
""from the toils of convention, we need
liberation,"" he'll say,
""and i'll show you the way.""
(down a path paved with speed, horse, and weed.)
"
"i've consulted a number of guides,
and some history volumes besides,
but i still end up hating
that odd roman dating?
from calends, count backwards to ides.
"
"carpe diem!?it means ""seize the day""?
take a risk! don't just sit there and say,
""if i try, i might lose.""
take a chance, and refuse
to let anything stand in your way!
"
"autoradiographic films show
emanations from objects that glow
'cause they're radioactive.
these films are attractive;
interpret them? i wouldn't know.
"
"when you walk in a garden in june
on a sunny and warm afternoon,
you may notice a vine
that's unique in design;
every flower's a tiny balloon.
"
"i just called on  my beau.  he was bedding
my bridesmaid! i'm shocked! i am heading
right home to send email
to him and this female?
you traitors! i've called off the wedding!
"
"if an offspring's a hybrid and paired
with one parent or other, genes shared,
is it incest?  i'd say
it could go either way.
""it's a backcross,"" the expert declared.
"
"bacteriophage: one of those terms
that from students bring blushes and squirms.
when they're asked to define
it, they hem, haw, and whine.
it's a virus that eats other germs.
"
"our bibliotheca is where
fine volumes will often repair:
a collection of books
where each place that one looks
one encounters the old and the rare.
"
"on my walks every morning, i feed
a swan who's so tame there's no need
that i guard against nips
from her beak (that's her lips)?
she eats daintily, never with greed.
"
"if your joints have become ankylotic,
some observers may think you're neurotic.
you may seem quite depressed,
though you're doing your best
with a gait that's so stiff it's robotic.
"
"with amphilogism, one can achieve
a confusion, though not quite deceive
(more like muddle, or show
ambiguity): so
it is hard to know what to believe.
"
"a sailor's watch came to a stop,
so he went to a watchmaker's shop
and a battery took.
then the owner cried, ""look!
salt 'n' battery?call me a cop!""
"
"with autotrophy living is plain
since the c and the n that sustain
it have no complex sources?
like pine trees or horses?
just air and the earth and the rain.
"
"in spain, they built castles with care;
they say many fine castles are there,
but no castle of stone
can live up to my own?
they're the castles i build in the air.
"
"""carry on,"" said the crow, ""let's not lag.
please inspect my valise and don't gag!
yes, that's roadkill: a stack
that i packed for a snack
on the flight?in my carrion bag.""
"
"danny's dating a sexy brunet
who has caused him unending regret.
she displayed her anatomy
at the air force academy.
is a cad who's a gal a cadet?
"
"from her room she looked out at the park.
when he saw her, it kindled a spark.
through her window (a casement)
he climbed. to the basement
they went?and made love in the dark.
"
"i decided to get a tattoo
on my arm. i said, ""here's what to do:
make the words calligraphic?
enough to stop traffic
when i hitchhike?and write, 'i love you!'""
"
"a salesman i know is a tempter,
from honest disclosure exempter
than a fishwife's odd rumor.
he's anticonsumer;
his motto is caveat emptor.
"
"my great auntie's a ""lady in waiting""?
all her life, for a partner for mating.
now she wants a blind date;
she's more likely to rate
as a subject for (ugh!) carbon dating!
"
"the lion was limping, looked bad,
couldn't eat all his meat; that was sad.
said the vet, ""it's no joke,
as it might be a stroke.""
would a cat scan reveal what he had?
"
"i knew a p.i. down in dallas
whose attitude seemed to show malice.
with each case he'd be
further case-hardened; he
had grown cynical, heartless and callous.
"
"my twelve-year-old daughter, named paige,
loves drama. she's always on stage.
but she scared me to death
playing lady macbeth.
on the spot i said, ""paige, act your age!""
"
"my mother considered me dumb,
said i'd never get out of the slum
as a lawyer or doctor.
indignant, i socked 'er.
it's heavyweight champ i've become.
"
"here's a riddle for students you teach:
""what is soft to the touch, like a peach,
colored beige, covers land,
mostly made out of sand?""
all the kids will respond, ""it's a beach!""
"
"something better's more good than it was,
gets more value from something it does;
while a bettor is one
who makes wagers for fun,
'cause it's gambling that gives him a buzz.
"
"at the top of your globe you can span it:
arctogaea, that part of the planet
up north, where it's cold,
and where snow, i am told,
covers sandstone and limestone and granite.
"
"since my recent return from the tropics
i've been dosing with antihydropics,
as i have, it would seem, a
bad case of edema.
(let's drop such disheartening topics!)
"
"archizoic, i learned from my teachers,
refers to the earliest creatures.
some had only one cell,
but they did very well
with so few anatomical features.
"
"at inspection, the pigs were all fine,
and a clean bill of health given mine,
but actinobacillosis,
with a fatal prognosis,
infected and killed off my swine.
"
"is it am-fi-gaw-ree we should say,
or am-fi-gaw-ree? is that okay?
is it said am-fi-gaw-ree?
they're all hunky-dory;
it's nonsense, said any old way.
"
"a bachelor's a guy who's unmarried,
and sometimes by matchmakers harried,
but a gal (bachelorette)
who's not married as yet
will be called an old maid, since she tarried.
"
"when i answer the phone, there's a panter;
on the radio, many a ranter.
but a banterer's one
who makes jokes and has fun,
so i'm partial to people who banter.
"
"balsam poplar is found in a glade.
in its buds, sticky resin is made.
it's a tree called the hackmatack,
and sometimes the tacmahack,
and it's planted a lot for its shade.
"
"coordination is all that i need
for my needlework, stringing a bead,
or crocheting or knitting.
my work's not befitting;
asynergy hampers each deed.
"
"in that outfit my girlfriend looked blowsy;
if i said so, she'd only feel lousy.
my composure she shook
with her ""how do i look?""
i just took a deep breath and said, ""wow-sie!""
"
"as we age, hair grows white, vessels harden;
so old gals tinting hair we should pardon.
but to color it blue?
when i reach eighty-two,
the blue curls will be in all my garden!
"
"for her gingerbread house we had itched;
then the sorceress made us bewitched.
now with hans in a cage,
i get minimum wage
till inside her own oven she's pitched.
"
"he was down on the floor on his knees;
then my thigh felt his hand give a squeeze.
when i kicked him aside,
i could see it was clyde,
with his usual charm and b?tise.
"
"when the theme for my thesis was picked,
my professor saw fit to astrict
how i used all his data,
then charged me, pro rata!
what's coming is hard to predict.
"
"there's a gent in my parish in kent
who has given up wine during lent.
in his grape juice he poured
antizymics. good lord!
twenty gallons refused to ferment.
"
"i heard from a friend in japan
when his biblical studies began:
""i am not libertarian,
but antilapsarian,
denying that first fall of man.""
"
"one with anthropopsychism sees
souls like humans' in mountains and trees.
though they may seem bizarre,
true believers sure are
pro-environment (green, if you please).
"
"a carnelian will fit very well
in the ring of a guy from cornell.
though he may be a hellion,
a loyal cornellian
won't pawn his class ring, and won't sell.
"
"the cargo cult says if we try,
a great bird will come down from the sky
on miraculous wings,
bringing all of the things,
on our island, no money can buy.
"
"since her recent divorce, my aunt min
has had wrinkles appear in her skin.
she is no longer bold;
she's grown suddenly old,
looking careworn, unhappy and thin.
"
"life is over before it's begun
if you're living in fear; you're undone.
get a doctor to probe ya.
your ballistophobia
has made you afraid of a gun.
"
"it's basilican, topped with a dome,
and the diocese calls it a home.
but we copied its floor plan,
the window-and-door plan,
from halls of the empire of rome.
"
"a mild-mannered fellow named ross
was more than a bit antiboss.
though polite to a fault,
his subversive assault
could be found in the profit and loss.
"
"as a nazi named hitler unfurled
his nefarious plan, his lip curled.
antitotalitarians
countered the aryans'
bid to take over the world.
"
"archaeolaters worship what's old,
like the gods in the myths that are told,
but i find it no use.
when i try to reach zeus,
it just feels like i'm always ""on hold.""
"
"i'm head-over-heels for dianne,
and i tell her whenever i can.
now she plans to wed hal
(he's my favorite pal).
""don't feel bad,"" she says, ""you're the best man!""
"
"my sister is wearing a frown;
dad insists that she marry this clown.
he is old, has bad knees,
and sciatica. she's
breaking up because he's breaking down.
"
"when i hear about storms coming near,
i react with irrational fear.
in a fetal position
i roll; my condition
is astrapophobia, dear.
"
"a benefactor constantly  gives
away money, like water through sieves,
all his life.  then he dies
and his will's no surprise:
after death, his philanthropy lives.
"
"to befog is to render unclear.
it's to obfuscate, muddy, or smear,
to bedim or to screen
what one doesn't want seen,
to becloud, or to make disappear.
"
"fierce grendel's a monster who eats
human beings, then finally meets
with an old superhero
who leaves grendel zero.
he's beowulf, king of the geats!
"
"the doctor was hailed in montana
when he moved to my town from havana.
though his knowledge was scant,
he evoked cary grant?
and, my deah, what a smooth bedside mannah!
"
"as a child, i was taught all the dangers
of talking or walking with strangers;
so when gramps shaved his beard,
and thus beardless, looked weird,
i ran screaming and called for the rangers.
"
"our army recruits, one supposes,
can't tell their behinds from their noses.
when they reach the recruit-camp,
the sergeant from boot camp
shouts, ""this here ain't no bed of roses!""
"
"you've presented plan a and plan b,
and explained that the choice falls to me.
you've said each will bear fruit,
but the issue is moot
because neither plan mentions a tree.
"
"the entire obstetrical crew
bore down when my baby was due.
as i labored away,
they continued to say,
""just bear down and you'll push her right through!""
"
"as i wake up each morning in bed,
i consider the world and see red.
days go downhill from morning,
so i heed my own warning:
pull the bedclothes back over my head.
"
"so you won't fall downstairs on your face,
a bannister's set in its place;
then you won't break your shin,
or a record, as in
roger bannister's four-minute race.
"
"my girlfriend is charming and sweet;
she's allective from hairdo to feet,
which means she's alluring.
i found the word during
my quest for the quaint obsolete.
"
"after cutting out patterns all day,
lots of cabbaging i'd put away.
now some cabbaging lout
stole it all?wiped me out.
he's got cabbage, and i'm left with hay.
"
"when he wrote about odes that were sapphic,
his paper was quite cacographic.
his spelling was bad
and his penmanship had
enough dangerous curves to slow traffic.
"
"in london, a man from siam
learned english while riding a tram
and practiced ""to be""s
asking ""who's siamese?""
""he isn't, you aren't, i am.""
"
"at the penny arcade on the pier,
making change, penny worked for a year.
she could tell by the sound
when a fin hit the ground;
people said she'd acquired a ""cash ear.""
"
"twelve more months have elapsed, and i fear
it's another long calendar year,
and your age is one more
than it had been before.
what the hell! happy birthday, my dear!
"
"when a sailor went out with the fleet,
long ago, to the tropics, defeat
dogged the tar with bad luck.
he'd be calenture-struck,
with a fever they blamed on the heat.
"
"getting babes to behave is no trick.
want to try? here's a lesson, real quick:
if they're good, give de beers;
if they're bad, slap their rears.
yes, i call it the ""carat and stick.""
"
"ever wonder where cardinals sat
when they visited monast'ries that
were in essence unheated?
calefactories greeted
those guys with the classy red hat.
"
"on this blue day my mood is blue, too...
perhaps a new dress of that hue
or an e-mail from out
of the blue that's about
a few blue jokes that aren't very blue?
"
"clarence birdseye began something new?
fruits and veggies quick-frozen for you.
they were marketed, yes,
with resounding success,
with the help of his wise bird's-eye view.
"
"on the pier, at the penny arcade,
there are wonderful games to be played.
you can spend all your bucks
shooting make-believe ducks,
but you'll never get laid, i'm afraid.
"
"i have painted my sister camille
as a peasant who storms the bastille.
though she carries a pike,
she is riding her bike?
the effect it achieves is surreal.
"
"antimodernists often are styled
neo-luddites; as such, they're reviled.
but on reading their stuff,
which i found sane enough,
it was so darned quixotic, i smiled.
"
"""on your finals, felice, do your best!""
cautioned mom, ""in the aftermath, rest.""
but felice was aghast
'cause they came thick and fast?
after math was a history test.
"
"an accessory pigment, if seen
in a plant that has chlorophyll's green,
will apply all its might
to absorbing sun's light;
but the chlorophyll still reigns as queen.
"
"acitretin's not spread on the skin.
take a capsule; it works from within.
it will treat the psoriasis
of all in this diocese?
to vitamin a it's akin.
"
"on the signboard outside the caf?:
""blue-plate special?five dollars today!
any food that one wishes!""
but i don't like blue dishes,
so, downcast, i wandered away.
"
"a collector who's canny and smart
will be looking for good bad-debt art?
since the owner is worried,
the sale may be hurried?
but the price is the very best part.
"
"edna saint vincent millay
was having a terrible day.
she banged out a sonnet
with fifteen lines on it,
and couldn't throw any away.
"
"my sister thinks she's betty crocker,
and i think she's clean off her rocker,
with an awful delusion
that causes confusion,
but she's baking so well, i can't knock 'er.
"
"appersonation is taking on traits
of possessions, of dogs or of mates.
so take care whom you get
for a spouse or a pet,
or an ominous future awaits.
"
"i am searching for methods of jacking
up life-giving substances packing
your red cells; what's more,
you need treatment, since you're
anoxemic (blood oxygen's lacking).
"
"uncle bill, who's in new caledonia,
has developed acute catatonia.
he is mentally ill,
so i doubt that bill will
get the pill that is used for pneumonia.
"
"cap-a-pie means ""from head down to toes,""
from the french, as my friend yvette knows.
when she asked me to tea
in the nude, cap-a-pie,
she was jesting with me, i suppose.
"
"he has catalepsy? symptoms are these:
standing up, sitting down, on his knees,
he goes into a trance,
doesn't move?at a glance
it appears that a cop has yelled, ""freeze!""
"
"a cabin boy, working a cruise
ship with gambling, and flirting, and booze,
when pursued by a nude,
said, ""i'm not such a prude,
but this ship just has too many screws!""
"
"as he juggles three mugs and a spoon,
and he whistles a light-hearted tune
at the shriners' convention,
we pay no attention;
this balatron's just a buffoon.
"
"the bally's casinos, renaming
what was gambling, are calling it ""gaming,""
as if losing your gelt,
while you're gaming, it's felt,
isn't gambling, and therefore less shaming.
"
"i went bankrupt, but don't ask me how.
i was broke, and flat busted, but now
all my debits are void;
those i owe are annoyed.
ain't it great what the law will allow?
"
"if ever you see blue-eyed grass,
you'll experience plants that have class.
and their flowers surprise;
just like little blue eyes,
they can wink in the breeze as you pass.
"
"this word cannot boast much modernity
and i can't guarantee its paternity,
but it means ""alternation
(yin/yang vacillation)""
and will send us from here to alternity.
"
"in the town where i live, i'll confess
that the government's really a mess.
the mayor hires cronies;
they're sycophants, phonies!
it's bossism, done to excess.
"
"if you want to describe the bacteria
that you found on your trip to siberia,
for acidophil germs,
stain with acid confirms
they are anthrax?or maybe diphtheria.
"
"bombazine is a fabric that's black,
made of worsted and silk, front and back.
in a dress it is worn
when you're dressed up to mourn?
then it's quickly put back on the rack.
"
"our heifer delivered a pair,
and i'm sending out cards to declare
the good news. it's a laugh:
if you've more than one calf,
are they calves? are they calfs? do i care?
"
"a medieval professor, at dawn,
saw a couple of bears on his lawn.
knowing nothing of bears,
all alone or in pairs,
he cried, ""harken, ye varlets, begone!""
"
"i once was in business with dennis,
but quit, as i found him a menace.
when we had to attack,
he would always hang back
(he's a baseliner when he plays tennis).
"
"belphegor's a two-timing devil
who tempts with invention or revel?
a beautiful nude
or a horned, bearded dude.
his enticements are not on the level.
"
"with my girl, i would like to transcend
each clich? of the day, every trend,
so not ""sweetie pie,"" she
is ""amiga"" to me,
which is spanish for feminine friend.
"
"much of europe was held in the grip
of the habsburgs, a family blue-chip.
they had dna flaws
making long, narrow jaws
that were known as the austrian lip.
"
"on our air base please don't show your face,
'cause your comments on airmen were base,
and your book, based on slanders,
to the enemy panders,
so we'll launch you right out into space.
"
"do you often embark on a diet?
whatever is trendy, you'll try it?
though low carbs may seem dreamy, a
high acetonemia
means ketones in blood have run riot.
"
"many christians, in awe when they hear it,
accept it as truth and revere it.
i refer to divinity
expressed as the trinity:
the father, the son, holy spirit.
"
"fellow workers!  observe my raised fist!
if we rise, then the world can't resist!
we'll be history-jolting
(don't say i'm revolting);
i'm an anarcho-syndicalist.
"
"antilynching laws sadly were blocked;
by senate rules voting was locked.
the filibuster, used
to keep action defused,
left democracy seemingly mocked.
"
"mother nature is someone from whom
folks at times get a message of gloom,
like the parents, forlorn,
of a girl-child who's born
with ametria?lacking a womb.
"
"bacterioscopy: one of the terms
for the study of microbes and germs.
through the lenses i peer;
i prefer this career
to a job giving haircuts and perms.
"
"through research, many therapies stride
to find cures for what ails us inside.
biosafety is key
so no headline will be:
study works but the subjects all died.
"
"in aneuploidy, you've got a cell
in which chromosome numbers rebel.
you have less of them, or
you have somehow got more
than there should be, in nuclear gel.
"
"some say ""bless-ed"" and others say ""blest.""
when our bishop grew old and distressed,
he said, ""dress-ed art those
who are wearing god's clothes,""
when i guess what he meant was just ""dressed.""
"
"in your travels, if ever you come
to karachi, try not to seem dumb.
to a woman, take pains
(if you're not citing drains)
to say ""begum"" and never ""begum.""
"
"in pursuing my chosen vocation,
there's never been one intimation
i'm falling behind,
but it's much on my mind,
so it's clear that i fear antiquation.
"
"he wanted to measure my head
as a scientist ? that's what he said.
when i registered doubt,
he pressed on, with a pout,
""it is anthropometric!"" he pled.
"
"""autorotate!"" i yelled at my copter,
when the engine cut off. what had stopped her?
we were safe after all
and avoided a fall?
just the rotors (not motors) had dropped her.
"
"the sacred avesta's a book
with the words zarathustra once took
to praise god and to pray;
and for guidance today
it is where zoroastrians look.
"
"their aunt jennifer suffered from gout.
she would wail and complain; she would pout.
so they searched for a nickname
(an easy-to-pick name) ?
and proposed aunt arthritic, no doubt.
"
"""having intercourse?something i'd like,
but it's years since i've been down that pike;
so i'm fearful that now
i've forgotten just how.""
""it's okay; it's like riding a bike!""
"
"i am aspidate, shaped like a shield,
a fact that just can't be concealed.
buying clothes is a strain,
as it gives me real pain
when my buckler-shaped torso's revealed.
"
"in injah their life was baronial?
british rulers, with quaint ceremonial;
but they finally moved out
when the world spun about
and the zeitgeist turned anticolonial.
"
"afrormosia: african wood
that for furniture-making is good.
since it's hard and it's sleek
and it's rather like teak,
i would buy some today if i could.
"
"playing baseball, he's often a bunter;
playing football, he's sometimes a punter,
but he'd never resort
to see killing as sport?
he considers himself antihunter.
"
"broad-leaved forests have trees that have got
outspread leaves that give shade. they've a lot
of those cool, leafy bowers
where folks stroll for hours?
it's needles that these trees have not.
"
"i doubt that he meant to deceive
when he borrowed my car. i believe
i'd have said, ""be my guest!""
but it would have been best
if i'd heard a polite ""by-your-leave.""
"
"my favorite study in botany,
and the only one free of monotony,
is the study of moss,
called bryology. toss
me some moss if, of course, you have got any.
"
"does your firm seem to fairly compete?
that depends on the place of your seat.
do you work out in front,
where you sweat like a grunt?
or the back office? that's where they cheat!
"
"i find it a source of no humor.
my acoustic neuroma's a tumor,
and there's tinnitus here
in my non-working ear,
but the tumor's benign?that's the rumor.
"
"acuminulate: sharp by design,
at its tip not as blunt as a tine
of the fork on your table,
but honed so you're able
to do work microscopically fine.
"
"i once knew a feminine she-weed
who wanted to mate with a he-weed.
""i'd counsel an algous,""
advised her old pal, gus,
""conjunction?that's one with a seaweed.""
"
"""what's the difference,"" asked my friend gene,
""in the tasks and the duties, between
the caregivers'  jobs
and the caretakers'?"" ""gobs!
tending folks versus tending machines.""
"
"a carpenter ant on a tree
once encountered a carpenter bee
and said, ""honey, how's tricks?
will you join local 6
of the carpenter's union with me?""
"
"""be prepared!"" to the surgeon i plead,
""have each instrument that you may need.
as you slit through my skin
to repair what's within,
use the cautery; then i won't bleed.""
"
"they decided to blacktop my street,
fill the potholes and make it look neat;
but they're using bitumen?
the odor's inhuman.
i'd rather have stones neath my feet!
"
"i guess you would call him a heel.
they had met, and he gave her a spiel?
promised wealth; but the jerk
is allergic to work,
so they live in a dank bidonville.
"
"to anastomose blood vessels, sew
with a surgical needle.  although
you must be quite precise,
the results will be nice,
with an effortless, life-giving flow.
"
"of malaria he was a victim,
and convinced that foul destiny picked him.
then his urine turned black
in the final attack?
he had blackwater fever afflict him.
"
"bladder wrack can be seen from your boat;
it has air trapped in nodules that float.
bladdernut has fat seeds,
while the bladderwort feeds
catching bugs in its bladderlike throat.
"
"their misdeeds? in a book i compile 'em;
they're so raucous, i'd like to enisle 'em.
leave my kids for ten minutes?
my house and what's in it's
a bedlam, just like the asylum.
"
"to me, scuba diving's a lark.
i like to dive deep, where it's dark,
but there's danger, i gauge,
so i dive in a cage
that's constructed to be antishark.
"
"if i'm called autotelic, don't take
me all wrong. i'm not looking to make
a subversive decree,
but my motto can be
represented as art for art's sake.
"
"there was a young preppie named carter
who was cunning, but could have been smarter.
when he got a poor grade,
the proposal he made
was amending the private school's charter.
"
"to assist in a crime is abetting,
a charge i find very upsetting.
though i just sat outside
on the day of the ride,
what you did in the bank i'm regretting.
"
"by jiminy! now i know what?
it's bigeminy?that's what i've got.
certain heartbeats i miss,
so my pulse goes like this:
(pause) dum-dot, (pause) dum-dot, (pause) dum-dot.
"
"joe's skin has a dark olive hue,
while his wife is a redhead named sue.
so when susan gave birth,
we exclaimed, ""what on earth?""
she is mom to a baby who's blue.
"
"the betel palm, growing in asia,
has nuts that will surely amaze ya.
chew their kernels with lime
and you'll have a good time,
though the stains on your dentures may faze ya.
"
"in building a building, the beams
form the frame, but they also, it seems,
are the lights from a lighthouse
(the warn-ships-at-night house)
and smiles seen on championship teams.
"
"acalephan refers to the nettle
that in water, not woods, likes to settle.
these coelenterates sting,
so i'm not prone to bring
home a dozen to steam in the kettle.
"
"alexin is something we need,
or immunity's force won't succeed.
change the ""n"" to a ""c,""
get alexic, and we
have a word for ""unable to read.""
"
"i'm in trouble;  i'll have to confide
that i've got achoresis inside,
and my bladder's now small?
not much room there at all?
while it used to be spacious and wide.
"
"the florida orange is sweet,
like the jaffa, a health-giving treat,
but you won't make the grade
if you serve bigarade,
from seville?they're too bitter to eat.
"
"though he'd never use slurs that were racial,
and his rate of responding was glacial,
the old prof with the beard
who'd been publicly smeared
rose and called his opponent bifacial
"
"politicians whose platforms, sublime,
are most ardently framed anticrime
now and then cannot beat
the temptation to cheat;
so they sometimes end up doing time.
"
"antiseizure precautions i'll take
so my guests can eat barbecued steak
and enjoy every bit
since i won't have a fit:
i'll stay cool near the pool for their sake.
"
"at the time of my grandfather's jailing,
when my grandmother's courage was failing
and she wept (i've heard tales),
grandpa cried, ""save the wails!""
and she thought he'd become antiwhaling.
"
"some ladies whose smiles left a crinkle
bought lotion they started to sprinkle
on hands, and on faces,
and hard-to-reach places,
convinced it would prove antiwrinkle.
"
"three cheers for the great m. j. anker,
who was neither a lawyer nor banker,
but a prof of great fame
(think of ankerite's name),
mineralogist, and a first-ranker.
"
"ammite is one of a clone
of four names for the same kind of  stone
(from greek ammos, for ""sand"").
hammite, o?lite, and
also roestone: by these names it's known.
"
"though its content is rather uncouth,
this letter is signed by babe ruth.
""is it real?"" you may ask;
to decide is its task:
bibliotics will hit on the truth.
"
"making money was never a goal
for my brother, a bibliopole,
who feels lucky to be
a bibliopolist.  he
loves old books with his heart and his soul.
"
"if your forebrain works well, you've a keen brain,
and your cerebral hemispheres mean brain;
but the thalamus and
hypothalamus stand
for emotion?the mighty ""betweenbrain.""
"
"when balboa, the spaniard, explored
the new world, was he using a sword
called bilboa (a name
that most probably came
from bilbao) to reap his reward?
"
"when a gallstone slipped down to obstruct
the path through my biliary duct,
i relied upon bill's
microsurgical skills,
and the gallstone was daintily plucked.
"
"i've never been known for adorableness.
think, rather, in terms of ignorableness.
but although i'm no beauty,
i follow my duty
with conduct that's free from deplorableness.
"
"now it's caregivers  week, and we're hailing
the folks who take care of the ailing.
they provide loving care
with a positive flair
to keep invalids' spirits from failing.
"
"while a beast epic tends to be long,
and in verse (like a poem or song),
it's at base allegorical.
each creature's an oracle,
showing what's right and what's wrong
"
"there's a barrel vault high overhead,
like the wings of an angel, o'erspread
in its circular arch,
as we reverently march
through the church on the day of the dead.
"
"if you've achromatopsy (a glitch
in your color perception in which,
you may see red and green,
not distinguish between)
you may, driving, end up in a ditch.
"
"i'm not dumb, but not known for my keenness;
and i'm kind, but at times turn to meanness.
i'm not strong, but not weak,
so what makes me unique
is what i like to call my betweenness.
"
"my boyfriend is really a winner.
he's upright; he's never a sinner.
when he tells me he's hard up
i don't put my guard up,
we betake ourselves home.  i make dinner.
"
"in scotland, the term but and ben
means a cottage.  ben's used now and then
to mean inside?""it's three;
let's go ben and have tea.""
for a mountain, the word's used again.
"
"the soothsayer smiled, and then said
he could prophesy what lay ahead,
relying alone
on his amphicome stone;
then he asked me to join him in bed.
"
"his costume was yellow and black;
it had stripes running round to the back.
and john's beelike appearance
delighted adherents
of snl's killer bee track.
"
"he was costumed as raggedy andy,
climbed my steps, but he kept mother handy.
when i opened my door
and adored what he wore,
i bemusedly gave him some candy.
"
"the blanket flowers cover the valley.
their beauty induced us to dally.
i'll hate going back
to my south brooklyn shack,
where stinkweed grows tall in the alley.
"
"since i mix up the terms in biology,
and i never could fathom psychology,
the advice spouts like geysers
from college advisors:
they all recommend azoology.
"
"in the alps i am happy to be,
although skiing was never for me.
i am awful at sports,
but i love sacher tortes,
and adore the resorts' apr?s-ski!
"
"amplitude's something like girth,
like the size of your gut, or the earth.
and like all of my kin
i am fat and have been
brobdingnagian  ever since birth.
"
"ajolote (we say axolotl):
an amphibian that if it's shot'll
make a very scant feast?
if you're hunting the beast,
you can scoop it right up in a bottle.
"
"a blastema has many a cell.
what these cells will become, i can't tell,
as this tissue's so plastic,
i find it fantastic;
a bone, or an eye, or a shell.
"
"wilhelmina was wed to a souse.
she grew bitter and often would grouse.
though she hid all his gin,
he would find it. it's been
a perpetual game: cat and mouse.
"
"is a ""cant dog"" a dog who's a pet
that can't dog your next trip to the vet?
no. i don't speak of dogging,
but tools used in logging?
the best kind of hook you can get.
"
"in her carry-cot, carrie's asleep;
eyes are closed and her breathing is deep.
although travel with babies
i fear more than rabies,
in this bed, she's made not a peep.
"
"the specialist made up his mind
from the symptoms and x-rays combined.
""there's a calculus mired
in your lung."" i inquired,
""differential or integral kind?""
"
"i'm aware that your life has been hectic,
and you eat, so you're not anorectic;
but i really must state
that you keep losing weight.
see your doctor?you're looking cachectic.
"
"my scottish friend wasn't prepared
when he started his life as a caird.
as a traveling tinker,
he soon was a drinker;
i was scared 'cause i cared how he fared.
"
"i love eva; i wouldn't deceive 'er,
but i'm not really sure i believe 'er.
when my bowels are aboil
and i take castor oil,
eva tells me it comes from a beaver.
"
"castor sugar is nice on a cake.
it's the kind manufacturers make
to pour from a castor?
fine granules flow faster?
just pick up the castor and shake.
"
"epidemics can cause the demise?
carry off?many kids, gals, and guys.
he who finds a quick cure
will win fame, and for sure,
he will soon carry off quite a prize!
"
"her cashbook once served, like a docket,
to record her transactions. don't knock it!
now that money's her pash,
when i pay her in cash
she just slips it right into her pocket.
"
"three salesmen who'd met at the beach
became friends. it was nice to see each
to the others responding?
i'll call it male bonding.
their motives i'd never impeach.
"
"autarchic applies to a clan
or a country that's ruled by one man
who abuses authority
to crush the majority.
they'll flee if they possibly can.
"
"there's an eel, i report with felicity,
that generates bioelectricity.
if you currently feel
you must contact that eel,
you'll be shocked by the creature's toxicity.
"
"one subject i never can master:
at chemistry i'm a disaster.
i fail, so i'm critically,
autocatalytically,
breaking down faster and faster.
"
"any parasite surely would boast
of autoecism, since it's the most
simple lifestyle by far,
and it means that you are
spending all of your life in one host.
"
"they had captured the beast in a bottle?
an amphibian called axolotl.
""this ambystoma, please,""
warned their teacher, ""don't tease,
don't mishandle, don't strangle, don't throttle!""
"
"i've alexithymia; there's
a condition that truly impairs.
one can't feel or describe
an emotion or vibe
that should be there when one really cares.
"
"amanitine comes from the sort
of mushrooms we shouldn't import.
they're so toxic, if you
serve them stewed or ragout,
you will certainly end up in court.
"
"in an autograft, this is our aim:
to move tissue from part of your frame
to an alternate spot
where before it was not.
what's an autograph? signing your name.
"
"an autocrat likes to give orders?
his ego's without any borders.
to preserve his great deeds
for historians' needs,
he may even plant hidden recorders.
"
"an eager young intern named jill
said, ""for angst i can't just give a pill.""
so she made no apology
and studied psychology.
from a casebook she polished her skill.
"
"""draw an animal.  make it raccoon-like.""
said my teacher, ""no, no! not baboon-like!
draw with care; it should be
not just flat, but 3-d.""
(i'm afraid my best work is cartoonlike.)
"
"to the theater i often will go
to cast off all my trouble and woe.
is the cast off on friday?
today isn't my day!
tomorrow i'll take in the show.
"
"whacky weatherman willy cried shrilly,
""this canadian air mass is chilly,
so i've drawn on my map
this small eskimo chap.""
was he cool? or a fool acting silly?
"
"the burglar, by using his noodle,
thought he'd cop lots of loot, lots of boodle.
what he brought to the fence
was worth ninety-nine cents,
as he hasn't the brains of a strudel.
"
"i have hired a consultant to fix
my company's a &amp; p mix,
as the way that we sell
isn't working too well;
just a sign or two mounted on sticks.
"
"anti-darwinism: this is the line
trod by those who maintain that divine
intervention's the force
that produced us, of course?
an intelligent type of design.
"
"i feel sad?overcome by futility.
though you argued my case with agility,
the judge's decision
brought shame and derision.
i hope that it's got appealability!
"
"in our bodies, our molecules frolic.
do they ever become melancholic?
well, at times they may frown?
when they're forced to break down,
in the process we call catabolic.
"
"""in what category do i belong?""
said my date, ""am i grouped with the strong?
do i fall in the class
that you'd marry?"" ""alas,""
i said, ""file under 'everything wrong'!""
"
"i was carefree when young; now i ain't.
looking back on my youth, it seems quaint.
since acquiring a house
full of kids and a spouse,
what i'm seeking is just carefree paint!
"
"jack aimed high, but he didn't get far
(as in ""close, but without a cigar"").
he saved fivers and tens
for a mercedes-benz,
then a carjacker hijacked his car.
"
"antiperistasis is power
increased by resistance. i cower.
now defiance prevails,
but supposing it fails?
i'd be crushed and pressed flat, like a flower.
"
"one is dressed like a heavyweight champ,
while his friend wears the clothes of a tramp.
says the third guy (a clown),
""pitch your tent and bed down!""
i'm afraid that their camp is too camp.
"
"the famed babylonian whore
was a symbol of evil before
we had hiv/aids
that through coitus invades?
now the whore is a suspect once more.
"
"every night, when i'm starting to snore,
i revisit a dream i adore,
where italian battalions,
all mounted on stallions,
attack spanish galleons (make war).
"
"""bet your life"" is a perilous thought.
certain wagers with danger are fraught.
if you bet you'll arrive
before five, and you drive,
and you race, you'll be killed or get caught.
"
"with a basketlike hat that was made
out of straw, katie joined the parade.
her chapeau made good sense:
though the sun was intense,
both her eyes and her face were in shade.
"
"i opened the note and perused
its poison-pen contents, confused.
an anonymous letter,
no doubt from a debtor?
of fraud i am falsely accused.
"
"julius caesar, the foe of barbarian,
by the senate was branded contrarian;
but all over the earth
we remember his birth
via surgery called the caesarian.
"
"called animism, it's the belief
that a tree can know joy and feel grief,
even stones can have wishes;
even glassware, or dishes;
to say nothing of mutton or beef.
"
"i am tossing out paper.  i binned
many sheets to protect from the wind:
ious from my debtors,
old memos, and letters
that document how i have sinned.
"
"my dad was a yankee named jess,
but i grew up in amsterdam.  yes,
i speak english and dutch,
which i like very much.
i'm bilingual, it's easy to guess.
"
"my doc says my chills and anemia
are not the result of leukemia.
a hidden infection's
the source of injections
of germs into blood (bacteremia).
"
"amphoterism: this is a quality
some chemists consider frivolity.
though it may interface
as an acid or base,
the hydroxyl embraces with jollity.
"
"a battledore's kind of a racquet,
to play badminton, if you can hack it;
in this old asian game
with a modernized name,
when the shuttlecock comes, you must whack it.
"
"backgammon's a game i don't play.
it would take many hours away
that i need for my work
and my other odd quirk,
all the limericks written each day.
"
"from the bangles you wear on your wrist
comes a music that's hard to resist.
metal bracelets, quite round,
make a sweet jingling sound,
like a windchime that zephyrus kissed.
"
"if your blood pressure's high as a kite,
and you fear you'll succumb in the night,
you need not despair;
just seek medical care,
and let aldomet make it all right.
"
"actinodermatitis? sensation
of burning and skin inflammation?
please make an appointment
to get the right ointment.
the cause of this rash?  radiation.
"
"it's a beautiful yacht, and i hanker
for the boat that belongs to my banker.
the guy is a fathead?
less brains than the cathead
(the beam where he fastens his anchor).
"
"""here's a word that is really a hoot,""
said my friend. i replied, ""okay, shoot!""
""what is catfacing? it's
malformation, with pits
and some bumps, in the skin of a fruit.""
"
"my broker's an old cantabrigian.
his chambers are gloomy and stygian.
i am fast going broke
in the hands of this bloke
'cause he hasn't the brains of a pi-ge-on.
"
"he's a cantab. from cambridge he comes?
alma mater of all of my chums.
it's a place that i trust
serves the brit upper crust,
as the whole house of lords are alums.
"
"i know of a surgeon who botches
procedures he does on men's crotches,
and i nurture a hunch,
since he works after lunch,
that his meal consists mostly of scotches.
"
"altho is a word that can bug,
or a word we dismiss with a shrug.
to a purist, i know
the word is although,
but i'd pick altho (without ugh!).
"
"german wurst, english sausage: the same!
but consider the blood pudding's name:
blutwurst sausage is trouble?
the word sausage used double?
though that isn't the source of its fame.
"
"with his palace done up like la scala,
king mackerel hosted a gala.
though two haddock, with flair,
tried to crash the affair,
the king's guards let in only cavalla.
"
"at the cabstand the taxicabs wait
like young girls at a dance, tempting fate;
but for taxis it's fine
'cause the front of the line
will be chosen?not so with a date!
"
"cacographical writing is sloppy.
the handwriting's messy and gloppy.
my students whose writing
is bad i'm inviting
to stay after school and to copy.
"
"""bar the door of the bar! use your clout!
bar them all!"" was the bartender's shout,
""when first called to the bar,
these young barristers are,
bar none, apt to puke and pass out!""
"
"the sponges are amorphozoics,
and lacking a mouth, they are stoics.
they're sessile (don't wander)
which leads me to ponder:
they don't get much chance for heroics.
"
"my pal richard got rich with his ranchin',
and he sought a new home for expansion.
though at first richard vacillated,
he at last bought a castellated?
that's a towered and turreted?mansion.
"
"when i go on safari, i find
cargo pockets the very best kind.
nothing else can compete
with the flap and the pleat?
so your goodies are not left behind.
"
"the carpenter built me a deck.
now i'm worried and nervous?a wreck!
my account's overdrawn
and my credit is gone,
yet i promised a bank cashier's check.
"
"mother's prudish, and nothing can change her;
she cautioned that sex was a danger.
all my boyfriends, she said,
were a hazard in bed?
so i went and had sex with a stranger.
"
"at times, when i can't fall asleep,
i must count on the counting of sheep,
but the sheep sometimes stop
and turn round with a hop;
then they sassily wiggle their *bleep*.
"
"when we're keeping the company's books,
a blind entry is bad, as it looks
like although the cash flows,
no one knows where it goes;
and it makes us appear to be crooks.
"
"a catnapper  kidnaps your kitty
(a thought that is not very pretty).
to prevent this, take care
and don't catnap; beware!
he might seize your burmese?more's the pity!
"
"in the shower i'd bend down and grope
after dropping my slick cake of soap.
i at last found a way
to avoid such display?
now it hangs round my neck on a rope.
"
"bonito, which comes from the spanish,
means ""pretty""?not ""macho"" or ""mannish"".
many fish bear this name,
and they're not all the same,
so they've really no way to be clannish.
"
"there is capricorn up in the sky!
in the zodiac, where does he lie?
he's beside sagittarius
and next to aquarius?
he's a goat and a horny old guy.
"
"my grandma was always afraid
that her fine reputation would fade
if she ever were caught in
presenting store-boughten
lasagna, instead of home-made.
"
"when the blastula's cells keep dividing,
a gastrula's formed, and it's hiding
a pouch that is what
will become the beast's gut,
and the blastopore, into it guiding.
"
"he's a famed architectural critic,
and his comments are often acidic.
he says sandstone's the worst,
so expect to be cursed
if your building is arenilitic.
"
"antiperistalsis? oh my!
your gut's moving backward.  don't cry!
use the loo; there's the door.
please don't barf on the floor.
though it's painful, i'm sure you won't die.
"
"antifeminine fashions advance
as designers give up on romance?
and i guess, as we speak,
in each trendy boutique
every suit comes with two pair of pants.
"
"anti-idiotypic: when they
(certain abs) refuse to obey,
and attack other abs
like dogs that have rabies;
immunity then goes astray.
"
"the canker sore inside my lip
really stings when i eat spicy dip.
though i'm just in the mood
for some mexican food,
it's a meal i'd do better to skip!
"
"there's a party at which you arrive.
if your goal, when it's done, is to strive
to return home alive,
in no circumstance drive
with a bac more than .05!
"
"when you're running for office, it takes
more than pamphlets, and posters, and shakes
of the hand.  my suggestion:
just call into question
each promise the other guy makes.
"
"i call upon all to donate
to the church, as i pass 'round this plate.
i call upon herman:
don't snore through the sermon,
and stop making eyes at my mate!
"
"a mallard walks in through the door
of a bar and says, ""gin, por favor.""
""we don't see many ducks,""
says the barman, ""ten bucks.""
""at that price, you won't see many more!""
"
"are you fearful life's passing you by?
want some danger and thrills 'fore you die?
don't just sit there and babble,
come down?join the rabble!
life's chancy among the canaille.
"
"the enemy troops' ambuscado
had hit us just like a tornado.
now we're ready to fight
and we'll catch them tonight
by surprise, with our great camisado.
"
"what's called bitterbrush grows in the west,
on the plains, and its taste's not the best.
though it isn't delicious,
this plant is nutritious;
the elk and deer eat it with zest.
"
"a bernoulli trial only can go
in two ways?it's a ""yes"" or a ""no.""
its results, not elusive,
are mutually exclusive.
is that clear? let's get on with the show!
"
"from canada geese, to excess,
come the droppings that make quite a mess.
but at least they don't drop
like the seagulls who plop
on the top of my head and my dress.
"
"my friend carrie plays lotto each day,
and she dreams she will win, with each play.
""i will journey quite soon
to the moon, by balloon!""
so i warn, ""don't get carried away!""
"
"the turtle develops a shell
that is shaped like a flattened-out bell.
it's a carapace, and
though it doesn't expand,
it protects its proud owner quite well.
"
"abdominal typhoid's a curse;
there are cramps, diarrhea, and worse.
there are fevers and chills,
and the medical bills
for the hospital, doctor and nurse.
"
"an aconative person's inert,
with no wish to apply or exert
any effort whatever.
i guess one is never
athletic enough to get hurt.
"
"my spouse may be searching for honey
when he sometimes acts bearishly. funny,
when the stock market does
i growl bearishly, 'cause
stocks are down and we're losing our money.
"
"apriorism: that's how i reason,
although others may not find it pleasin'.
i assume, then i act,
and don't care about fact?
it sustains me from season to season.
"
"my friend has neuritis, and he
was advised to take vitamin b.
he complained, ""it's confusing.
which b am i choosing
as antineuritic for me?""
"
"""i've got room for the gents and the ladies,""
said the boatman who'll take us to hades.
""come on board, dudes and chicks;
we'll be crossing the styx!""
(i would rather arrive by mercedes.)
"
"i'm seeking an evergreen tree?
the casuarina?to see.
all its stems are, of course,
like the tail of a horse.
in australia is where it should be.
"
"my friend can no longer succeed
writing guidebooks?a hardship indeed?
for while crossing the gobi, a
bibliophobia
started, and now he can't read.
"
"when deutschland was cut in two parts
that were called east and west on our charts,
konrad adenauer best
represented the west,
and ""der alte"" we took to our hearts.
"
"i admit without any apology
that weather affects physiology.
when it's cloudy and rains,
i feel blue and have pains:
it is called biometeorology.
"
"i am writing this check for my niece.
she is known as a fine cantatrice,
and her voice is the rage
when she sings on the stage.
(but she can't meet the terms of her lease!)
"
"in his art as a singer he's grown;
his canorousness now is well known.
every once in a while
his phone number i dial,
just to hear his sweet voice on the phone.
"
"a canoness, just like a canon
who's regular, lives in a clan, 'n'
she's taken the vows
that her order allows?
now she lives where they won't let a man in.
"
"canon regular? he is a priest
who will pray for the ill and deceased,
and he lives with some others
(not monks, but like brothers),
under rules, so devotion's increased.
"
"my beau's occupation? it shocks!
he makes coffins for big shots and jocks.
all my friends think it grim,
and one hollered to him,
""i would not be caught dead in your box!""
"
"acquacotta's the name of a soup.
want the recipe? here's the real scoop
passed from mother to daughter:
cook veggies in water,
pour on bread and add cheese.  serves a troop!
"
"i was given a chit as a gift,
for some bodywork. then i was miffed.
i expected massage
but i found a garage,
and they put up my car on a lift!
"
"he writes music that orchestras play,
and conducts in a calm, graceful way,
but i'd bet all my pez
that our maestro boulez
gets upset when they call him ""boo-lay.""
"
"as producer of beckett's last play,
please talk to the cast about pay.
with no cash in the till,
tell the actors you will
cast about for an alternate way.
"
"i'm a merchant from sparta. my boast:
i've a business that brings in the most!
it's my cartage from grecians
by way of phoenicians
to carthage, on africa's coast.
"
"when i eat one, my abdomen flexes.
i feel in my deep solar plexus
a starved barracuda;
it's just a bermuda,
an onion that's grown down in texas.
"
"when i first heard the phrase blue sky laws,
i admit that the term gave me pause.
they're not laws about flying,
but the issue and buying
of securities?every last clause.
"
"father luke had his students in awe
of his grasp of old church canon law.
when he strayed as a priest,
he admitted, at least,
from the clergy he had to withdraw.
"
"my american girlfriend is skittish,
complaining i often act twit-ish,
and it's that puts her off.
bloody hell! i'm a toff?
but i fear she's become anti-british.
"
"in south africa, named for the cape,
is a beast with a large, hulking shape;
and its broad hairy back
may be brownish, or black.
if you meet one, i hope you'll escape.
"
"though i know it's not nice to complain,
i find paying my taxes a pain.
my investments were bold
in my youth; now i'm old,
i must deal with the capital gain.
"
"cascara sagrada is made
from the bark of a tree that may shade,
but its actions aren't mild;
take a dose?you'll be riled,
and your interest in nature will fade.
"
"distinguishing acids from bases
is a challenge that chemistry faces.
use bromthymol blue dye?
yellow's low, blue is high
in ph. green's for in-between cases.
"
"in your african travels, if you
meet a fellow who wears a bou bou,
don't inquire, ""what's beneath?""
or he'll laugh through his teeth?
that's a boo-boo, a gaffe?it won't do!
"
"at a blind tasting, bottles of wine
are kept secret, each symbol and sign,
so the taster's not able
to look at the label.
one hopes he can tell it from brine.
"
"my seagoing friend sent a note.
""my new sailboat is cat-rigged,"" he wrote,
""it has only one sail
(but it's too strong to fail),
and the mast's in the front of the boat.""
"
"i have given up scotch on the rocks,
and i'm drinking the beers they call bocks.
in the spring they're beers that
are drawn first from the vat;
they're delicious and knock off my socks.
"
"boston brahmins are families  still
living on or around beacon hill.
they're american peerage
who didn't come steerage,
can send, down the nose, looks that kill,

don't use cash, but say,  ""send me a bill,""
eat their pasta with lemon and dill,
own a cattle ranch down in brazil,
put a hahvahd bequest in their will;
think  their own genealogies thrill?
someone help me stop writing this swill!
"
"a  bolo's a kind of machete.
to measure its size (gross or petit)
don't use a bolometer;
that's a thermometer
reading small changes, but steady.
"
"blotto painting: design made on paper
as a jest or a prank or a caper.
take some paint (fresh, not old),
drop on paper, and fold.
it's the squeezing of paint that's the shaper.
"
"their targets were easily named.
anti-soviet missiles were aimed
at those reds who once vowed
they would bury us, proud
of their might ? it's those commies we blamed.
"
"if you've got yourself into a scrape,
and your bumper's bent all out of shape,
since your driving was fine
before drinking that wine,
there's catawba to blame (that's the grape).
"
"all gamblers aspire to win pots
in casinos?they take their best shots,
and on sports they bet too.
is this anything new?
in the bible, we read, they cast lots!
"
"my pal porgie plays blues on the harp.
from my perch i'm reluctant to carp,
but in treble and bass,
this sprat loses his place,
and plays flat when he ought to play sharp.
"
"though my manner's informal and breezy,
i detest using words that are easy.
when the pizza-shop guy
brings a squashed, messed-up pie,
i say, ""caseous, man!"" meaning cheesy.
"
"as it's processed, take care not to spoil it.
it's helpful to add to the soil; it
is called biosolid.
its origin's squalid:
the stuff that we flush down the toilet.
"
"he was small and showed little morphosis
toward puberty. doc's diagnosis:
""a deficient key gland
keeps him infantile, and
i would label it ateliosis.""
"
"in rio, a fellow called leo
courted cleo, his girlfriend, con brio.
but he cost her too much,
since they always went dutch;
so she smiled and she bid him addio.
"
"if you're wearing a car coat, you are
very likely to look like a star.
it's the three-quarter coat
fashionistas promote?
not the paint that you spray on your car!
"
"blennophobia? every time
you've a cold, it's much less than sublime,
as with each messy sneeze
you feel more ill at ease;
it's a horror of mucus and slime.
"
"fum? blanc is a type of white wine
made of blanc fum? grapes.  it tastes fine.
though fum? is a word
that means ""smoked,"" i have heard,
i have never found ashes in mine.
"
"in the past, i had never before
joined a gaggle before a side door,
like a starstruck and loopy
but reverent groupie,
for a chance to shake hands with al gore.
"
"fine furniture is, as a rule,
made by hand with a carpenter's tool.
when it's inlaid with shell,
and with metal as well,
we refer to the inlay as boulle.
"
"in those stockings, your legs should be seen!
patterned hexagons fit for a queen,
in the bobbinet weave,
make it hard to believe
that the fabric was made by machine.
"
"grandpa jim had a criminal bent.
grandpa joe always owed two years' rent.
grandmas sally and alice
ran a cat house in dallas?
from them my bilateral descent.
"
"he attracted me right from the start,
and he rapidly captured my heart.
he's surpassingly cute;
in his cassimere suit,
of twilled wool, he looks terribly smart!
"
"annexationists love to annex
others' lands; like huge reptiles, they vex
and devour their neighbors,
whose primary labor's
to thwart the designs of t. rex.
"
"my girlfriend's a sweet cpa,
and i hope we'll be married some day.
said my mom, ""seems to me males
let calculating females
waylay them. a wedding? no way!""
"
"benefic: it means ""altruistic""?
an opposite, then, of sadistic.
what percent of us seem
to be either extreme
is a very important statistic.
"
"an animal act at the fair
featured bears that were covered with hair.
when performing their dance,
they wore tutus and pants,
so i asked, ""can't you bear a bear bare?""
"
"ammobium, found in the bowers
down under, has wonderful powers
to please?called the winged
everlasting, and ringed
with its silvery leaves, golden flowers.
"
"bacteriology: here is a science
that's always constrained by reliance
on a microscope to
bring its critters in view.
(it's a fit and effective appliance.)
"
"my wife had constructed a bat house.
i joked, ""for your relatives, that house?""
she cried, ""don't torment me!""
to the doghouse she sent me.
i would rather have gone to the cathouse.
"
"when your ship is at sea or in port,
certain microbes will sometimes make sport,
biofouling a part
so the engines won't start.
both your patience and circuits get short.
"
"my spouse bought a large bentwood chair;
paid a fortune, but i didn't care.
this authentic thonet
makes me happy. i'd say
it's an heirloom beyond all compare.
"
"faulty autacoids destine a critter
to life as the runt of its litter.
darwinian theory
has never been cheery.
it's bitter when others are fitter.
"
"if i look at an ermine or mink,
and decide that between us a link
lets me know they would vote
to become my fur coat,
it is just automorphic, i think.
"
"in the old world, the blacktail appear
to be fish. are they black at the rear?
in the new world, there's fur
on each him and each her;
in the rockies, the blacktail's a deer.
"
"you say you're too fearful to stand,
or to walk without holding my hand?
and that these morbid fears
have a name?  i'm all ears!
basophobia?ain't english grand?
"
"if things aren't going your way,
and your setback you wish to allay,
say, ""a backset,"" if that
beats, ""i'm hors de combat,""
but you've screwed up, whatever you say.
"
"the builder just finished my house.
i moved in tuesday night with my spouse.
where the spec required hardboard
the builder used cardboard,
so now i am suing that louse.
"
"to mechanics, combustible gasses
in crankcases mean that gas passes
the rings of the piston
and blowby's existin'?
i learned in car-maintenance classes.
"
"it's an excellent play.  here's the beauty part:
my sister-in-law plays the cutie-part,
while my mom plays the matron,
and dad, the arts patron,
will put up the funds?play his duty-part.
"
"the doctor pulled up my pajamer;
my ankle he hit with his hammer.
my achilles-type reflex,
made ankle and knee flex;
surprised, i replied with a clamor.
"
"though i may wish to add electricity,
in limerick-writing, simplicity
works best, but what's nifty:
by number 450,
i write them with automaticity.
"
"docs in asam all treat the affliction
that's known to the world as addiction.
they'll help any youth
to tell falsehood from truth?
there are no harmless drugs; that's a fiction!
"
"my boyfriend's a chef, and he makes
the most succulent carpetbag steaks.
every steak has a pouch
where the oysters will crouch
till you eat them?what talent it takes!
"
"for my illness, a medical panel
recommended a calcium channel-
type blocker, for cells
in my heart.  my aunt belle's
sage advice? ""just wrap up in red flannel.""
"
"in limerick writing, your meter
is anapest.  would it be neater
wedding iamb and trochee?
that's not okey-dokey!
use antispast?  never, you cheater!
"
"when he asked for my number last fall,
i kept waiting; he just didn't call;
so he left me alone
with a non-ringing phone.
i was not very happy at all.
"
"in my elbow, i've got calcinosis
where an injury caused a thrombosis.
though the lump is unsightly,
i thank the lord nightly?
at least i don't have halitosis!
"
"this broadcast of music appears
to be stereo (so amy fears).
being deaf on the left,
of the strings she's bereft;
it's binaurally meant for both ears.
"
"this limerick you might have written
with blacklead, if you are a briton;
but as i'm a yank,
i have graphite to thank.
is your pencil, like mine, badly bitten?
"
"when he left us, sir gayle seemed quite hale.
he returned looking feeble and pale?
seems an arrow had hit his
bishop's mantle and split his
third rib through his collar of mail.
"
"all the vitamins found in the pill
you take daily, like biotin, will
help you grow straight and tall,
keep you fit?that's not all?
if not cure, at least weaken each ill.
"
"at election time, joe knows the ropes;
in his mind, all the voters are dopes.
bogus promises fly,
so he'll win, by and by,
with his platform, a catchall (he hopes).
"
"as seventies-lover, he longs
to revisit and right several wrongs?
like when rock bands were blamed
by the people who claimed
backward messages lurked in their songs.
"
"said my friend, who is ever the smarty,
with a sense of himself that is hearty,
""a political cataclysm
would spring from my radicalism!""
...he joined the republican party.
"
"when i gave him a breech-loading gun,
what he did was to get up and run
to display this antique
to his buddies?what cheek!
then he shot out the streetlights, for fun.
"
"i never have seen a black duck.
i've seen several the color of muck,
and some dark-feathered things
that have white on their wings.
as for black ones, i'm just out of luck.
"
"the council of cowhands today
came out with its meeting's cahier.
it's causing confusions;
its major conclusions
are yippee-i-oh and ti-ay!
"
"two corvids in combat i saw,
in an argument over some straw;
and i heard their loud caws
as this pair of young daws
were debating the avian law.
"
"rain came down in a forceful cascade,
and it ruined the plans we had made.
i discovered?make note?
why they call this a float
when the rainstorm assailed our parade.
"
"of the harness we use on the trail,
what's the part underneath the mule's tail,
or the rear of a horse?
it's the breeching, of course!
(i thought breaching was done by a whale.)
"
"british english? for some it has class
when a girl's not a chick, but alas,
she's a lass, or a bird,
and i also have heard
they burn petrol in place of our gas.
"
"in the hospital, when i was sick,
i'd felt hopeless but cheered up real quick.
i was helped by the types
who wore pink and white stripes?
all those teen volunteers did the trick.
"
"my geology textbook contains
stuff on caprock.  the image remains
of a dense layer for
cov'ring up a soft core,
like the skull that's protecting my brains.
"
"balantidium's one protozoan
that in entrails of swine might be growin'.
in your own, it's not dull, sirs ?
digestive-tract ulcers
or worse you could be undergoin'.
"
"it seemed like a very bad scene.
he was lost in the desert, between
lofty mountains?but worst,
he had worked up a thirst,
and neglected to bring his canteen.
"
"""he's got carbuncles,"" said my aunt em,
""and he's eager to get rid of them.""
i was ready to bid
when aunt emily chid,
""dear, a carbuncle isn't a gem!""
"
"many thanks for the money you sent
for the eagle scout jamboree tent,
when i called on your aid.
now it seems, i'm afraid,
that the scouts have called off the event.
"
"you call in to a radio show;
you call in all the debts people owe.
is our language confusing?
my solution's amusing:
just call in the experts?they'll know!
"
"when we suffer from drought, it's a pain,
and we sometimes may act quite insane.
from west, east, south, and north,
we have shamans call forth
pregnant clouds and a bounty of rain.
"
"television or radio stations
may broadcast to several nations.
one can tell them apart
through the call letters' art?
which provides their identifications.
"
"a battlewagon, that is a name
for a battleship, warship of fame,
that is heavily armed.
i'll admit i'm more charmed
when my kids play a battleship game.
"
"if you're making a figure in clay,
an armature helps the clay stay.
and to further protect
it, and keep it erect,
use a back iron; then it won't sway.
"
"what's called almond oil comes in two kinds.
there's the bitter?it's poison. one finds
that there's also the sweet
that is harmless to eat,
so let's not mix them up in our minds.
"
"capetian refers to the france
that from hugh capet's time would advance,
more than three hundred years;
at that time, it appears,
came the end of its royal romance.
"
"if you want to make money, i'd say
try a stock that is called asset play.
its price may be under
its value?i wonder
how pricing can happen this way.
"
"i've got anginophobia: fear
that a seizure of heart pain is near?
and i'll feel in my chest
that it's being compressed
like i'm under an elephant's rear.
"
"since this lump in my neck seems to loiter,
my doctor will soon reconnoiter.
it's ectopic?this gland
that saw fit to expand?
so he'll call it an aberrant goiter.
"
"just consider a reptile or bird,
or a mammal that's part of a herd?
they have embryos wrapped
in a membrane that's apt.
what's their name? amniota's the word.
"
"a bed load is not what it seems?
not a burden of sleepers or dreams.
it is rocks, sand and gravel;
together they travel
along on the bottoms of streams.
"
"i've a house on an isle, near a bridge,
far away from mosquito or midge.
i will tolerate neither?
no earthquakes here either?
my isle's on an aseismic ridge.
"
"his apartment was dusty and dim,
all his furniture grungy and grim;
so i artified that
dank and dingy old flat?
how i wish i could artify him!
"
"the reporters are blasting off queries
at the mayor, in rapid-fire series.
this is banging away,
a technique that will pay
if ""hizzonor"" gets angry, or wearies.
"
"he agreed, though he spoke like a cynic
at the cardiothoracic doc's clinic:
""of this tumor i'll die,
i am sure, and that's why
the advice i need most is rabbinic.""
"
"he's a miser, and thinks i am splurgin',
but i keep up the pressure.  i'm urgin'
that he go to the best
for the mass in his chest.
that's a cardiopulmonary surgeon.
"
"there's no doubt carbon 12 is the queen,
because most of the isotopes seen
are a part of this class,
which is used to judge mass?
while much rarer is carbon 13.
"
"i'm not satisfied being a prole,
and i crave a much classier role.
i'd a capitalist be
if i had do-re-mi,
but the gelt is beyond my control.
"
"my budgerigar likes to peek
at the bird in the mirror, to seek
some romance?he's of age
and alone in his cage?
so he kisses himself on the beak.
"
"in beverly hills lives fitzpatrick.
his taste? well, it's amphitheatric.
his ultimate goal:
play the hollywood bowl,
and to triumph three times?that's a hat trick!
"
"filled with weariness, rather than cheeriness,
his life is a study in dreariness.
as hard as he tries,
when he opens his eyes,
all he sees is a world smudged in bleariness.
"
"every time that his chest pains would start,
he would study his heavenly chart;
but it wasn't astrology
that helped.  cardiology
provided relief to his heart.
"
"the source of the problem was plain.
cardiopathy, causing his pain,
was from drinking too much
beer and whiskey, and such;
so from booze he would have to abstain.
"
"i have just finished reading a tome
about life in imperial rome,
and it gives me a thrill
that the capitoline hill
was the place that jove's temple called home.
"
"ted went out, and a sweater he bought,
paying ten times as much as he ought.
now he wears it with pride.
guess i'm snide; i can't hide
that i cannot but laugh at the thought!
"
"every film fan and surfer exalts
california and parries assaults
from the critics who doubt
and enjoy pointing out
that the state has a great many faults.
"
"bamboo rice, when initially seen,
looks like rice, but its color is green?
not as green as a pear
or an haricot vert,
but as green as a green lima bean.
"
"when you're cooking italian, each feast
should have one plate of pasta at least.
if the choice drives you potty,
just try agnolotti?
they're shaped like the hat of a priest.
"
"in new england the folks are extolling
playing candlepins, something like bowling.
the player who wins
downs cylindrical pins
with a small, heavy ball he sends rolling.
"
"the cannabinoids found in our pot
are what makes smoking cannabis hot.
they include thc,
so i'm sure you'll agree
they are compounds we like quite a lot.
"
"when you're resting, and let your eyes close,
and relaxing in peaceful repose,
one is likely to see,
on your brain eeg,
it's the time when the alpha wave shows.
"
"adzharia, on the black sea
once was greek (long ago, b.c.e.);
later ruled by the czar,
then the u.s.s.r.,
lost by georgia, quite soon, it may be.
"
"if you can't pass this quiz, you've got rocks in
your head. (were you injured while boxin'?)
so you don't have to cheat,
here's the answer, complete:
hgcl2 is a toxin.
"
"if you're female and want to allure,
and you're not about looking demure,
wear a tight bustier,
and the fellows will say,
""she looks bustier now; that's for sure!""
"
"i first saw the painting at moma.
it looked like a large carcinoma
in the liver or lung;
on the wall it was hung.
i said, ""wha?"" and my son said, ""let's go, ma!""
"
"it resembles a slick magazine
filled with clothes for a king or a queen
(models, matron and male,
are from harvard or yale),
all for sale, and by mail?l.l.bean!
"
"if a kid can be kidnapped, pray tell,
can a kitten be catnapped as well?
and would kitten-napped kitties
howl kitten-style ditties,
or catnap and snooze for a spell?
"
"i want to give shirley the shakes,
and i'm willing to do what it takes.
i dressed ghostly, yelled ""boo!""
she said, ""sid, is that you?""
now i've bought me this cageful of snakes.
"
"he devoted a year to installing
a system i found quite appalling.
a cableway strung
between towers, it hung,
but was useless for hoisting or hauling.
"
"british bulldogs are odd-looking.  they
have a face that may scare you away;
and though not very nimble,
these dogs are a symbol
of the strength of the stalwart u.k.
"
"my soldier-son's home on a pass.
they sure taught him to polish up brass.
when he shines up the brightwork
he sees it as light work;
he soon will be private first class.
"
"acetabula: that's where the femurs
of humans, of apes, and of lemurs,
join the pelvis. the hip
joints are formed by their grip;
they allow us to sit in our beemers.
"
"anthropozoic refers
to the era i'll call ""his and hers,""
that of ""he-ings and she-ings""?
the time human beings
exist. my professor concurs.
"
"you should carry these thoughts in your brain:
you should carry a coat; it might rain.
carry condoms; you might
want to stay for the night,
and who knows with whom carrie has lain!
"
"he has cataplexy? symptoms are these:
should he laugh, should he cry, should he sneeze?
relaxation profound.
he may fall to the ground;
it's a truly disturbing disease.
"
"last year, when i drove down to texas,
i was just getting out of my lexus
when i fell and?what's more?
hit my neck on the door,
thereby hurting my brachial plexus.
"
"a buxom young lass, cassie cassidy
shows her curves with a brazen audacity.
her great breasts, you can see,
fill a 48-d,
and her rear has amazing capacity.
"
"the emir had said, ""follow the sun!""
and so eastward their journey'd begun.
then at noon they would rest;
in the evening, went west?
thus the caravan's trip was undone.
"
"the bomb that exploded was near,
and the sound made me deaf in one ear.
to my mom i said, ""wow, ma,
acoustic-type trauma
has ruined my hearing, i fear!""
"
"when i'm anxious and tense, and feel queasy,
i wish that my manner were breezy;
but i'm tongue-tied, and really,
until i breathe freely,
i stutter and cannot breathe easy.
"
"there's a battle to fight, and we may
face defeat if we wait or delay.
on our captain i'll call;
if he carries the ball,
we may very well carry the day!
"
"his word use displays an affinity
for muddle, if not asininity.
though his acid means ""tart"",
when he cries from the heart,
""back to basics!"" he means alkalinity.
"
"watching football on telly in leeds,
to the urge to excrete he accedes.
he returns and is sore?
seems his team upped the score.
action replay is what this lad needs!
"
"use investment for maximum clout.
buy up all that you can; have no doubt.
when you see something good
in a business, you should
not only buy in, but buy out!
"
"my classmate and i went to sea.
as a shipmate i knew he would be
not a very brave guy?
but then neither am i?
in the casemate we hide, him and me.
"
"my cat's a remarkable chap.
he eats friskies while curled in my lap.
he is learning to cook,
and he's written a book?
he calls it ""the art of the nap.""
"
"on the tube certain criminals charm,
and it's hard to believe they do harm,
but join organized crime?
you'd be mixing with slime,
and you might end up buying the farm.
"
"my car was involved in a crash
coming back from a halloween bash
'cause i drank too much pabst.
my insurance had lapsed,
so i paid for the damage in cash.
"
"the farmhand complains when he sweeps
out the barn, ""cobwebs give me the creeps.
they're araneous, filmy;
i fear they will kill me!""
he cries, and adds twenty-five bleeps.
"
"an apothesis isn't a theory,
or a deification. (how cheery!)
it's a room off the path
in a large public bath,
or some shelves near a chancel. (how dreary!)
"
"i've a cast-iron stomach, they say.
i eat any old food comes my way,
but i suffered defeat
when you made me a treat?
your famous cast-iron  souffl?.
"
"as the prophets would say, ""it was written.""
one look at her face?i was smitten.
and the touch of her paw
made me marvel in awe,
though the cat was still only a kitten.
"
"in the canterbury tales, by g. chaucer,
is where you will first come across 'er.
she's called wyf of bath,
and great wisdom she hath?
men could toss 'er but never could boss 'er.
"
"my husband's employment is gainful.
i'd never be rude or disdainful,
but he earns his rewards
by swallowing swords?
that's algesiogenic; it's painful!
"
"a caftan is long and it's wide;
it has plenty of volume inside.
mine's enough room for two,
so remember when you
may be seeking a good place to hide.
"
"""la bamba""'s a mexican song;
with guitar you can sing right along.
but in zambia bemba
are bantus, remember?
to mix the two up would be wrong.
"
"at the entrance i stopped with a start:
""that nameplate sets caesar apart!""
said the senator, ""shoosh!
he adores the cartouche.
the adornment's a fine work of art.""
"
"applesauce comes in a jar.
it is given to babies who are
fond of fruit that is sweet,
and to patients to eat
in the hospital?when under par.
"
"life's not fair! for a long time i've felt
less than pleased with the cards i've been dealt;
but i've no time for wishing,
as i earn my bread fishing
for caplin (akin to the smelt).
"
"a cheeky young fellow would call
me a canid. such chutzpah; such gall!
and i've just figured out
what he's talking about.
(after all, i'm not from montreal!)
"
"in a forest in britain, a bloke
stuck his head out a window to smoke.
seeing smoke, passing strangers
called fire-fighting rangers,
who sprayed with their hose, as a joke.
"
"apaesthesia happened to him
as he pedaled his bike in the dim
light of evening.  he crashed.
when his pelvis was smashed,
all the feeling was lost in a limb.
"
"the baris (a tale of upheavals?
a man goes to war to fight evils)
is a dance, balinese;
but make note, if you please,
it is also a genus of weevils.
"
"i'm a lover of boston baked beans.
it's a food fit for kings and for queens.
if i ate all i pleased,
till my appetite eased,
i would never fit into my jeans.
"
"among memories, this i don't treasure ?
the teacher who preached antipleasure.
if we giggled at some
little joke or chewed gum,
she would cancel our recess at leisure.
"
"a catchpole just came to my house.
i was out, so he spoke to my spouse,
and he said i've a debt
that i haven't paid yet,
and he plans to arrest me?the louse!
"
"my talent for gadgetry pays.
today was just one of those days.
by 11:15
i had built a machine
to make sound from actinic-type rays.
"
"though each blossom is small, you can see a
fit use for this plant.  it can be a
wee bud seen beneath
the large blooms in a wreath
for a bride.  i say, ""long live spirea!""
"
"when a visit my uncle then paid
to her home, i felt really betrayed.
and it surely did rankle?
because of my ankle,
my uncle made out with the maid.
"
"she could handle the creep on the phone;
susie's brashness was very well-known.
she was brave, with a sassiness
people called brassiness.
""scram!"" she said. ""leave me alone!""
"
"my girlfriend is not very smart;
she's a nasty and hard-hearted tart.
the attraction? you're quizzical?
it's all biophysical;
her bra size is way off the chart.
"
"to my thesis on elephant clones,
my professor reacted with groans.
""your material's thin,
and beneath its thick skin
your report covers only bare bones.""
"
"a thing that's basipetal's going
top downward, as water likes flowing.
though it may seem depravity,
or at least antigravity,
that's not how most plants do their growing.
"
"a bank dick in uniform wields
certain influence; also, he shields
the bank's patrons from woe.
the most famous i know
is comedian w.c. fields.
"
"on an evening that's warm, on my porch,
i will light up a candlewood torch.
while it's resinous wood
and gives light that's quite good,
i take care that my clothes do not scorch.
"
"i have recently read the obit
of a very remarkable brit.
by the queen he was knighted,
and otherwise cited
for teaching prince charles how to knit.
"
"a condition with great specificity,
it can fracture a family's felicity?
peanut allergy can
kill a woman or man,
due to peanuts' strong antigenicity.
"
"in botanical studies, one learns
about flowers and mosses and ferns.
when one's  ageotropic,
it's not quite utopic?
away from the earth, the plant turns.
"
"in 1713, a pact
was concluded with spain, with great tact.
british ships, o'er the waves,
to the new world brought slaves;
assiento's the name of this act.
"
"he was moaning and wringing his hands,
but he didn't make any demands,
so i said, ""are you mad?""
he replied, ""i've got bad
adenalgia, pain in my glands!""
"
"my neighbor next door is aloof;
i'd suspected, but now i have proof.
when to chat i stopped by,
the guy's nose was held high
as the bargeboard attached to his roof.
"
"i committed a terrible gaffe.
she served wine in a shiny carafe,
and i placed my bouquet
in the pouilly-fuiss?,
spilling half, and made everyone laugh.
"
"""lots of veggies, fresh fruit, and whole wheat?
diet's building blocks?foods you should eat.""
when she gave this advice
i said, ""better think twice.
what's a building block made of? concrete!""
"
"cassiterite's kind of an ore.
it is prized round the world, and what's more,
it's our chief source of tin,
which lies hidden within?
are you galvanized, or do i bore?
"
"i love cats and love birds so you see,
i will try to succeed with my plea:
kitties, kill only mice!
if they take my advice,
in the catbird seat's where i will be!
"
"a catalyst makes things react.
my reaction was slow 'cause it lacked
that remarkable stuff?
just a pinch is enough
to make chemistry move.  that's a fact!
"
"godzilla rose up from the sea,
and was scary (he terrified me!).
his raids were so brutal?
defenses were futile.
i had nightmares till age thirty-three.
"
"blind arcades these days decorate all
kinds of courtyards or any great hall.
but don't try to walk through;
you will find, if you do,
that you'll smack your nose into a wall.
"
"an archchamberlain works for a king
in those states that to monarchy cling.
his role may be vital,
but not so his title?
an archsteward's the very same thing.
"
"i am treating a total amnesiac
who's in love with ms. rice (condoleeziac).
since he's quite over-sexed,
as his doctor, i'm vexed?
guess i'll give him an antiaphrodisiac.
"
"mama bolti laid eggs in a pile,
and stayed close as they hatched in the nile.
she swam north and swam south
with her brood in her mouth,
but she lost them whenever she'd smile.
"
"i had thought that my sons were just chatting;
well, it seems they had ventured out catting?
no, not hauling up anchors,
but at hazard for chancres?
and when they get home, we'll be spatting.
"
"for the eating of veggies or steaks,
every chewer must have what it takes.
the teeth of each mammal
need coats of enamel,
which amelogenesis makes.
"
"although some folks like getting their kicks
by careening down route 66,
to me what is funny
is giving out money:
an administratrix-style fix.
"
"my daughter is ill; i can't leave her
to visit your golden retriever.
we just bought a new cat
and resulting from that,
she's in bed with the dread cat scratch fever.
"
"after hearing a birdsong, i search,
find a cardinal high on a perch.
his hue, i alert you
is his cardinal virtue;
he's dressed like a prince of the church.
"
"the word cabriole means, to a man
who's a dancer, a step that he can
do while jumping in air?
but the leg of a chair
to a fan of the style called queen anne.
"
"the greatest of all my delights
is to read the arabian nights.
it's where barmecide serves
a great feast that unnerves,
and the food, all imagined, invites!
"
"when i'm eating, i don't give a damn
for bivalvia, favoring lamb.
but my wife says i'm selfish,
ignoring her shellfish.
she stews, so i'm now eating clam.
"
"there is nothing in life i recall
that disturbs me as much as a brawl.
though i try from each angle,
there's nought in a wrangle
that might recommend it at all.
"
"i like porcelain, stuff that is rare,
and i've heard that there's none can compare
with ceramics from china?
so says my aunt dinah?
but i'll settle for spode canton ware.
"
"though i took the coat with me, the man
who arranged for the time-payment plan
wrote it clearly and large:
there's a carrying charge
he will add. is it true that he can?
"
"if your book's been in print for a year
it's on backlist, but be of good cheer.
don't mix up the backlist
with boycott or blacklist;
it's the publisher's catalog, dear.
"
"many characters found in the bible
were antitypes. first they were tribal,
as a presage (o.t.),
then in gospels they'd be,
handed down by a copier, scribal.
"
"astomatal tells you a lot:
that the leaf or the beast hasn't got
any stomata (holes
shaped like mouths or like bowls).
is it stomatal? no, it is not!
"
"the beautiful blue of the sky,
which can alter as hours go by,
can be bold or asthenic
when changed atmogenic
conditions and patterns apply.
"
"i'm canadian, called a canuck.
playing hockey, i shrink from the puck.
my play is so lowly,
they made me the goalie?
but when slapshots come flying, i duck.
"
"the carrying capacity tells
us the number of hares or gazelles
(be they few or a lot)
that can live in a spot
and inhabit its meadows and dells.
"
"though his manner's high-born and brahmanic,
there's really no reason to panic;
maintaining your cool
is enough, as a rule?
after all, he is just your mechanic!
"
"my father made speedboat propellers
that he peddled to oceanfront dwellers,
but an oversupply
left him broke, squeezed him dry?
""buyer's market,"" he said, ""not a seller's.""
"
"caravansary?that's a hotel.
there a traveler rests for a spell?
for a few days at least.
in the old middle east,
all the caravans stopped there as well.
"
"certain aphids, when they're having sex,
have patterns that baffle and vex:
sometimes he-in' and she-in',
at others, just me-in'?
their love-making's very complex.
"
"if it's out in the boonies you are,
and from civilization you're far,
and you're bit by a snake
i suggest that you take
button snakeroot (that is, blazing star).
"
"i sneaked into the president's villa
to join his bizarre camarilla.
i found thirty blind mice
giving secret advice,
and a guy who looked just like godzilla.
"
"those guys who work hard, it is said,
are assured of success?get ahead,
as their aim is expansive,
and their actions advancive
(an old-fashioned word, if not dead).
"
"now a pathogen's accidental host,
i was bitten on africa's coast
by a fly with a virus
that doesn't desire us?
so i'm not turning into a ghost.
"
"went to buffalo, erie's great city;
the country around it was pretty,
but some parts of the town
seemed so old and run-down
that i said to my friend, ""what a pity!""
"
"in the stone age, the tools were of stone;
many idols were shaped like a cone.
when these gods, semi-phallic,
were remade as metallic,
in the bronze age, technology shone.
"
"i will not give misleading reports
on the word bipyramidal?sorts
of suggestions egyptian
could cause a conniption?
it's the shape of a crystal of quartz.
"
"as a hobby i love to carve wood,
and the log that you brought me looks good.
i might make you two mannikins,
or a set of six cannikins?
sculpt a nude? oh, i wish that i could!
"
"long ago in those battles?before
there were airplanes, and cannons, and more?
stone was hurled against wall
so a fortress would fall:
thus the catapult functioned in war.
"
"canthaxanthin is added to food
for its color, to brighten our mood,
but in tanning pills it's
quite illegal?it hits
eyes and liver. so experts conclude.
"
"the costume he made for our play
was bedizened with yards of lam?,
trimmed with sequins in red.
when i saw it, i said,
""either strip it or take it away!""
"
"among caribs a linguist might find
they've a tongue of traditional kind.
the cariban lingo's
not spoken by gringos,
and most of us don't seem to mind.
"
"by king george it was found reprehensible;
many colonists found it defensible.
john adams's writing,
considered inciting,
today seems quite sober and sensible.
"
"which has caused the more terrible blitz
in destroying my fruits that have pits?
the brown rot (is it that?)
or a hungry brown rat
that is driving me out of my wits?
"
"for her first anniversary, sheila
consulted a cadillac dealer.
she had picked a sedan
as a gift from her man?
she received an asparagus peeler.
"
"in england, a cinema star
had invited me out to his carr.
i'd imagined rolls-royce,
not a marsh!  had no choice
but to bounce in his jeep.  how bizarre!
"
"my nephew's a young engineer
who has blindly pursued his career.
he has split from his wife,
has no personal life?
his careerism's toxic, i fear.
"
"when artistic directors have whims,
certain operas are played behind scrims.
though the singing is heard,
the performers are blurred,
can you see all the action? it dims.
"
"the head of the vice squad, it's clear,
has been running a call house out here.
when i called to reach joan,
someone answered the phone
saying, ""vice squad?commander lanier.""
"
"i need help, and i need it quite fast.
i've been told to attend captain's mast,
and the charge is a beauty:
writing limericks on duty?
the ramifications are vast!
"
"i'm recruiting a large entourage
and intend to promote cabotage,
bringing goods of all sorts
in from neighboring ports
without tax. no? i can't?  quel dommage!
"
"the catbrier grows in a thicket,
where nature decided to stick it.
if you're trying to pick
some to give to your chick,
wear a glove on your hand, or you'll prick it!
"
"caught out (or surprised) at the time,
i braked and i stopped on a dime.
there was jack with the fuzz,
and in handcuffs, he was
caught out in committing a crime.
"
"people say i'm a caucasoid, right?
what they mean is ""caucasian,"" or ""white.""
don't you think that it's strange
that a mountainous range
gives its name to a color that's light?
"
"her costume was made very gaudily.
at her neckline her breasts hung out bawdily,
but we paid the most mind
to her bustle behind
where it guided our scrutiny caudally.
"
"on his head the guy wears a calotte.
i can tell from the color it's got?
is he only a priest,
or a bishop, at least?
it's not white? then the pope he is not!
"
"said a chain-smoking fellow named martin
(tried to quit, and his progress was chartin'),
""doing well, but perhaps
i might have a relapse?
better stop at the shop for a carton!""
"
"you won't get an egg from a jackal,
but you may, if you find a girl grackle
in her nest and you tackle 'er,
hear the sound of a cackler.
(that's a hen who says ""oops!"" with a cackle.)
"
"from the crenelate battlements of
the king's wide-moated castle, above,
see the banderols fly,
bright against the blue sky;
they're the long skinny flags that we love.
"
"using methods that may seem adroit,
carpetbaggery seeks to exploit
simple hicks in the sticks.
watch those big-city tricks
pulled by guys from new york or detroit!
"
"i made oodles of cash selling fuel,
bought a gem, but the next step was cruel.
alinasally, puncture
was made at this juncture;
it's there that i'll wear my new jewel.
"
"my husband's as suave as can be.
in manners he's like a marquis,
but in civic opinions
he's one of the minions
of bush and his whole booboisie.
"
"a carrick bend's one kind of knot
that i use when i'm out on my yacht,
for connecting two lines.
because each intertwines
with its mate, a secure link i've got.
"
"it is fragile, so please do not wallop
the actinozoan: a polyp.
it lacks a medusa,
but that's no excuse; a
fixed polyp can't swim like a scallop.
"
"after eating, you always feel bum,
and the pains in your abdomen come
from a shortage of flow
of the blood down below?
you've abdominal angina, chum!
"
"something's appetible; that means it's good,
and i'd buy some whenever i could.
so i covet, desire it
and wish to acquire it?
in spite of i shouldn't, i would.
"
"i order my meals ? la carte,
since i like to select every part
from the soup to dessert;
so i often feel hurt
when i'm told the prix fixe is so smart.
"
"i lust like a crazed adolescent.
my passion for you is candescent,
white-hot; as it grows,
it is candent?it glows?
so i'm hoping you'll be acquiescent.
"
"here's a study in matters linguistic:
you're a bighead if you're narcissistic.
if you've bighead, perforce,
in a sick sheep or horse?
that can make you feel quite pessimistic!
"
"a bowdlerizer butchers a work
by carving it up with a smirk.
with an attitude haughty,
he purges what's naughty.
what's left is jejune. what a jerk!
"
"some tribes act like addicts on coke,
and to study them isn't a joke.
you don't need a psychologist;
a career agriologist
is the guy who researches these folk.
"
"are you simply confused or moronic?
not carbolic, you fool, it's carbonic!
it's the acid that is
in the liquids that fizz,
such as club soda, seltzer, or tonic!
"
"abbott's artery: this aberration
may be used to repair coarctation
in the flow from your heart;
so it helps from the start
if you know about this variation.
"
"i reside, and i hope to remain,
in a canebrake (a thicket of cane),
as the cane all around
in the wind makes a sound
that i've found relieves stresses and strain.
"
"blanca-roja (the word means ""white-red"")
is a grape that makes wine one may dread,
for in malmsey was drowned
shakespeare's clarence, renowned?
in a butt of it, don't place your head!
"
"only people or dogs, but not beavers
get sick with canicola fevers.
this dire diagnosis
of leptospirosis
makes atheists into believers.
"
"""if you like to eat fish from the ocean,""
said her friend, ""i've a wonderful notion.
let us fish in the sea
for carangids!"" then she
smiled and answered, ""i'll second the motion.""
"
"inside dr. lawrence's cranium
was a large and remarkable branium.
his inventions were good,
and his calutron could
sort the isotopes out in uranium.
"
"this bookmarker's all that it took
to make sure that whenever i look,
i resume at the last
page?not one i just passed
or a page far ahead?in my book.
"
"after breaking my arm, i'd a stint
in a dressing they call active splint.
with its modern dynamics
i sculpted ceramics
in comfort?of pain, not a hint!
"
"i was sweating so hard i was soaked;
then i looked at the tube, and i choked.
the bronchoscopy stung
as it checked out my lung?
now i deeply regret that i smoked!
"
"oh camphor tree, what can i say?
you have come from taiwan, far away.
now australia misleads,
says you're just ""noxious weeds,""
and insists you're a plant gone astray!
"
"""in my cabinet lies, put away,
cabernet that i purchased today.
when i offer a drink,""
sniffed the wine snob, ""i think
i shall speak of my 'wine cabin?.'""
"
"to pronounce the name rightly is still a
great problem for sea bass (cabrilla),
'cause in europe you see a
type called the cabrilla.
how to say it? the choice is a killa!
"
"as a lonely old andamanese,
his first trip to new york was a breeze.
when i said, ""to buy mops
we must visit mop shops.""
he said, ""take me to beauty shops, please!""
"
"in accrochage, two rhythms vie;
neither dominates, though they may try.
the first beat's ventricular,
second's auricular?
warring, but no one knows why.
"
"on the walls of some quarries and mines,
deep inside, where the sun never shines,
forms this fibrous white stuff?
and if that's not enough,
there's alunogen's hairy designs.
"
"thus did the surgeon instruct:
""slide a cannula into the duct...""
as with great trepidation
at my first operation,
a gall bladder, deftly, i plucked.
"
"in this verse i will write an epistle
concerning the canada thistle.
from the old world, this weed
brought us woe. we concede
that we'd like to achieve its dismissal.
"
"canada balsam resides
in the canada balsam's insides.
it is fragrant and sticky;
to handle it's tricky.
we use it for microscope slides.
"
"calypso, a nymph from the sea
holds odysseus captive till he
goes and gives her the slip?so
he sings?a calypso?
(the style that his song ought to be.)
"
"i'm planning to give an examlet?
no, it's not on the speeches in hamlet.
this quiz will amaze ya:
name a fabric from asia
made from camel and silk?answer: camlet.
"
"in most of the trees that we know,
the cells in the cambium grow.
dividing, they pile 'em
'twixt phloem and xylem.
each spring they are ready to go.
"
"you can call up the lady next door.
you can call up the troops in a war.
and called up to the major
league, players, i'll wager,
have called down god's blessings?four score!
"
"my brush in my hand, at my bench,
i am painting the face of a wench.
as the subject is me
a self-portrait 'twill be,
or an autoportrait, said in french.
"
"ever think of the dressing you toss
(on a salad), or ice cream, or sauce?
they all use carrageenan
to thicken. it's keen, 'n'
it comes from a plant, irish moss.
"
"your command of the language is poor,
and you can't read the french carte du jour.
it's embarrassing when you
can't fathom the menu
and feel like a fool or a boor.
"
"the professor who spoke on geology
owes his students an abject apology.
what he gave as a speech
called why sand coats the beach
was a mass of confusing cacology.
"
"at the highest church dinners i've been,
when i order a wine, others grin.
though the archbishop might
ask for red or dry white,
i get pink. (that's a cardinal zin.)
"
"it's anocathartic, so it,
when i swallow, goes down to the pit
of my stomach, creating
effects that i'm hating:
i barf and expectorate (spit).
"
"auto-portrait?here's mine, and you are
face-to-face with my face.  how bizarre!
now you seem to reject
it.  what did you expect?
a painting in oil of your car?
"
"in these words did the rancher harangue us:
""this calf that's for sale is a brangus.
they're very uncommon?
its mother was brahman;
its father was aberdeen angus.""
"
"my dad has a rich basso voice.
just to hear it can make me rejoice;
but on stage he acts goofy?
his roles are all buffi?
those comedy parts are his choice.
"
"good old adamha once was the place
that for studying drugs was a base;
then the feds brought in samhsa.
i thought, ""feds are shams?a
disgrace?now they face an erase!""
"
"if you've burnsides, there's hair on your face,
and it covers your cheeks; in this case
the style's muttonchops' kin.
with a clean-shaven chin,
you've a real nineteenth century face!
"
"when i knocked, called ""what's up?"" i'm confessin',
i heard wrong, but i learned me a lesson.
walked inside  thinkin', ""she's
writin' postcards."" but geez!
she was naked and she was a-dressin'.
"
"the bryony's one kind of vine
that can not be considered benign.
there is nothing poetic
about this emetic;
so don't add its root to my wine.
"
"caudate nuclei, deep in your head,
are important for motion, it's said,
and for muscle tone too?
i'm not sure if that's true?
i just know that without them, you're dead.
"
"in class, the professor anoints
me to give a report on the points
where the vertebrae touch.
they don't move very much.
so they're amphiarthrodial joints.
"
"it's aculeolate (something that's prickly),
not sagging, or sad, and not sickly.
each tiny point sticks
out, and each of them pricks;
on the stem it is covered quite thickly.
"
"a bright young professor named shana,
who's specialized in the arcana
of music, has found
in old manuscripts, sound
she considers god's own cantilena.
"
"richard nixon sat down for a chat.
to the cameras he said, ""my wife pat
(he did not even blink)
has no coat made of mink;
just a g.o.p. broadcloth, at that!""
"
"a barber will take care of him
with a haircut, a styling, or trim,
but when she wanders in
to the shop with a grin,
he says, ""see the coiffeur: monsieur jim.""
"
"i knew that the movie would scare
but i went anyhow, on a dare.
as the slasher got slashier,
my color grew ashier;
i rushed from the theater for air.
"
"the rain on the plain falls acidically.
we must act, or we'll find the world's critically
on the brink. what this means:
the exhaust from machines
needs equipment that cleans catalytically.
"
"on a walk through the forest i heard
the magnificent song of a bird.
on the second refrain
the bird cried out in pain,
and of bird flu it croaked on the third.
"
"casta diva refers to the moon
to whom norma first sings.  pretty soon
she's deserted?in ire,
throws herself in a fire,
and expires to a bel canto tune.
"
"if you're fat and you want to get thinner,
the concept of brunch is a winner.
this plan has appeal?
every day skip a meal.
have you thought of just breakfast and linner?
"
"judy blume writes for teens and for tweens.
in her books you can find lifelike scenes,
which are popular features
with some of our teachers?
not others?you know what that means.
"
"i am proud to be average and seen
not as short, not as tall, but between,
not too open or shut,
not too old or young, but
just don't tell me that average means ""mean.""
"
"a library worker called marian
caught the eye of an octogenarian.
a horny old goat,
on his call slip he wrote
a request to take out the librarian.
"
"that slick vampire had viciously tricked us,
and his nibble will surely afflict us;
so please watch us by day?
are we hidden away?
have our habits become acronyctous?
"
"there once was a fellow named fogel
who greatly resembled a bogle?
an ogre or demon?
a hobgoblin's he-man?
or a guy in a story by gogol.
"
"a barbe is a thin piece of lace
on the head or the neck, near the face;
and in warfare, a shot
sent en barbe means it's not
through a wall, but aimed over, through space.
"
"uncle jock is carnaptious; he's like
a great piledriver hitting a spike.
his temper is quick
as a conjurer's trick,
and you never know when he will strike.
"
"when it's cloudy outside and it rains,
i'm beset by a passel of pains.
i take aspirin, apply
deep massage?by and by
very little discomfort remains.
"
"a lover of wildlife, jerome,
saw coyotes when visiting nome;
but they sang out of tune
when they bayed at the moon,
so he said, ""i won't bring any home.""
"
"my grandmother knew how to grapple
with my conduct on sunday in chapel.
if i sat through the sermon
quite still, without squirmin',
she'd buy me a huge candy apple.
"
"carriwitchet: this word i suppose
brings confusion wherever it goes.
it means ""puzzle"" or ""pun""?
seems its root should be fun?
but its origin nobody knows.
"
"ponder cautelous?one ancient word
with two meanings. one's ""prudent,"" i've heard;
but by shakespeare it's used
to mean ""lying""?confused?
maybe someone will think of a third!
"
"a cantonment's for soldiers, where they
have a short-lived or interim stay?
except that in india
where troops may speak hindi, a
more permanent camp's on display.
"
"in a calmative manner he spoke,
though he seemed to be telling a joke.
to his sedative voice
i dozed off?had no choice?
and when everyone laughed, i awoke.
"
"if you tell him john wayne was a gay,
always wearing a horsehair toupee,
and rode only a mule,
this badaud of a fool
will believe and repeat what you say.
"
"i once had a beau, barry drew,
who said, ""someday i will marry you!""
i have waited for years,
i recall through my tears?
barry's plan, though, did not carry through.
"
"james baldwin, both brilliant and black,
moved to france, but he had to come back.
on the mountain he told it?
his words were so bold, it
put bigotry under attack.
"
"he is dressed like a fellow who begs?
tattered clothes on his torso and legs.
this bezonian took
all my money. the crook!
he's a scoundrel, a rascal, the dregs!
"
"you will note, when she glides into view,
she has features that few models do.
she has freckles galore
on her cheeks, and what's more,
her hair has a carroty hue.
"
"when i slipped and i fell to the floor,
my two carpals were broken. my chore
was the carpool that day;
i was sorry to say,
""i can't drive you to work any more!""
"
"sure, i met some and never forgot 'em.
it's not a big hassle to spot 'em?
reporters who handle
just rumor and scandal?
the guys who are fishing the bottom.
"
"would the acid (carbamic) be missed?
here's its name on our glossary list,
but the stuff's hypothetical
(yes, i mean theoretical):
just its salts and its esters exist.
"
"just imagine some billy goats that
on a farm share their barn with a cat.
is your picture idyllic?
i think of caprylic,
the acid that's found in their fat.
"
"a carnifex cuts off your head
or hangs you until you are dead.
don't expect absolution;
you'll find execution
the reason to him you are led.
"
"for my lit class i pulled an all-nighter.
i've a test on the world's greatest writer,
and i read shakespeare's play
as they did in his day,
with the help of an old candlelighter.
"
"propranolol has the proclivity
to squelch autonomic activity,
so keep beta blockers
in handbags and lockers
if your heartbeat displays aggressivity.
"
"i seldom receive any mail
from regions we call arctogaeal.
could take months?four or five?
for the mail to arrive,
or delivery might simply fail.
"
"the court nominee thought of bork,
and was fearful the press in new york,
in l.a. and nevada,
like old torquemada,
would tighten the thumbscrews with torque.
"
"make a beni-e print, if you please,
using paper and wood from the trees,
in two tones (green and rose),
so my manual shows?
that's my guess; i can't read japanese.
"
"the drug carbachol, useful if you
have an over-filled bladder, can do
other medical tricks?
fix glaucoma: c6
h15cln2o2.
"
"what's my news? i am singing the blues
since my girlfriend refuses me?views
my proposal as dead?
takes hugh dewey's instead.
choosing hugh's, susan screws me. i lose!
"
"""what's a calembour? heck, it's a pun.
put a pun on my gravestone for fun!
will you promise?"" i cried.
""if you like,"" she replied,
""i expect i can undertake one.""
"
"my grandson, the drummer, of whom
i'm so proud, makes a loud ""crash, bang, boom""
when he practices drums,
so that nobody comes
without earplugs inside of his room.
"
"most reptiles aren't likely to be,
among fauna, of interest to me
barring one, i'll confess,
amblyrhynchus, oh yes,
an iguana that lives in the sea.
"
"her singing flew up to valhalla;
as brunhilde, she sang at the gala.
this lovely valkyrie
made every eye teary.
she's the toast of our town (walla walla).
"
"it has actinomorphy, this rose.
it has symmetry (every rose shows)
that is radial. we
cut it lengthwise and see?
just as any geometer knows.
"
"limericks written with trowels,
more noisome than movements from bowels,
rouse wrath near and far.
clumsy critters, they are
known as lmrcks (without any vowels).
"
"he'd a cramp in his side; it was sore.
the calyces deep in the core
of the aching left kidney
of the fellow from sydney
caused pain that he couldn't ignore.
"
"so i said to the handyman, ""dan'l,
you don't need a whole flippin' panel
of experts! real quick,
get your shovel and pick,
and then canalize?dig me a channel!""
"
"the biologist gave an oration
""amphigony?sex propagation.""
though his terms were abstruse
and his manner obtuse,
his slides got a standing ovation.
"
"a cannier man you won't find.
he's the shrewdest of shrewd to my mind.
through a rotating door,
if you walk in before
him, for sure you will exit behind.
"
"cacodoxy: word that's a proxy
for heresy.  think of that foxy,
heretical teaching
with influence reaching
each poxy malfeasant and doxie.
"
"when a husband and wife have a fight,
their exchange might sound less than polite.
first he argues his case;
then she laughs in his face.
then he says to her, ""honey, you're right.""
"
"was there ever a song or a chant
in praise of the castor-oil plant?
though a poem i'd compose,
like my ode to the rose,
i just can't. it turns into a rant.
"
"if it's carnous (when said of a fruit),
it is fleshy, and pulpy to boot.
it may drip, so beware
and consume it with care,
or the juices may ruin your suit.
"
"there's a hag who is wrinkled and old,
but her cartomancy's widely extolled?
held in highest regard.
from the turn of a card
she can tell what the future will hold.
"
"many thanks for the blouse; it's so fresh!
with my wardrobe it surely will mesh.
(and i also should mention
it garners attention?
it's carneous, colored like flesh.)
"
"i won't give them my approbation,
when wal-mart, that huge corporation,
replaces democracy
and plants capelocracy?
then storekeepers govern the nation.
"
"santa gift-wrapped the arrow and bow,
tied a big yellow bow, cried, ""ho, ho!
i'm so glad i know how!""?
as he made a low bow?
""a low bough? duck, you reindeer! let's go!""
"
"actinobacillus can creep
into tissues of horses and sheep.
it infects your pig's lung,
gives your cows wooden tongue;
have them treated?your livestock's not cheap.
"
"amphistylic applies to the skull
of a shark (not a gopher or gull),
when the mandible's joint is
to the hyoid.  my point is:
don't you find ichthyology dull?
"
"some infants emerge from the womb,
and then promptly proceed to their doom.
nature plays her harsh jokes
on their grieved, bereaved folks,
giving meaning to ""fruit of the tomb.""
"
"a bankroller's one who'll engage
to finance someone lacking a wage,
or a movie or play;
when he's willing to pay,
he's an angel to all on the stage.
"
"neither nuclear nor economic
is the next word?it's adenotomic.
it concerns the incision
of glands. i envision
a biopsy, surely not comic.
"
"so i said to my husband, ""relax!
our adoption of jackie and max
has given us credit,
and now you may edit
the form for our annual tax.""
"
"a man in the air force or navy
can purchase a package of gravy
in a base exchange, where
there's shampoo for his hair,
even lotion to make it more wavy.
"
"our government claims that it strives
to diminish the bumf in our lives.
if we're ready to faint,
we can lodge a complaint?
by completing two form 605's.
"
"h.l. mencken considered them rubes,
and their heads dense as thick wooden cubes;
and the government they
have established, he'd say,
is boobocracy: rule by the boobs.
"
"see those tiny straight lines that don't taper?
they're called burelage, there on the paper
that's used to make stamps.
forgers' ardor it cramps,
and makes toilsome their criminal caper.
"
"a couple just moved into town,
built a house, and are settling down.
they've become antigrowth:
""no more building!"" they're both,
among hypocrites, clowns of renown.
"
"she's a bovarist, vain and conceited.
she expects you to bow when you're greeted,
and she looks down her nose
at the cut of your clothes,
like a victor might view the defeated.
"
"alisphenoid? of course it is dull!
well, it took a few hours to mull
over how to harass
my anatomy class.
i said, ""draw all the bones in the skull.""
"
"his extreme antiforeigner views
are aired, now and then, on the news.
when this xenophobe sinner
comes on during dinner,
we drown out his views with our boos.
"
"aerobics, performed in a gym,
raise a sweat in each her and each him;
and when folks don't get phobic
'bout workouts aerobic,
they're stronger, more fit, and more slim.
"
"""i've ataxiophobia. warder!
please help me escape this disorder!""
even names for this fear
aren't perfectly clear:
ataxophobia (synonym, shorter).
"
"here's a word that my dad understood:
brimborion?trash that's no good.
when he said it, he meant
something not worth a cent,
or a nickel that's made out of wood.
"
"i had always assumed it was true,
all my life, i'd go on loving you.
now i've found our love's made
to burn bright and then fade,
i'll recruit an auxiliary crew.
"
"a break-in can mean a test run
of your show; it might really be fun.
in your dwelling, a break-in
might leave you quite shaken?
if the guy who breaks in has a gun.
"
"antimonarchy orientation:
when you're asked to the king's coronation,
you refuse to attend,
though the act may offend,
and you sneer at your friends' acclamation.
"
"in expanding his real estate spaciously,
he bought up the parcels voraciously.
he was rude and uncouth
and he played with the truth?
not just fibbing, but lying bodaciously.
"
"as you're cleaning that fish, won't you save
me the vertebral column? my fave!
the biologists tell us
each bone's amphicoelous,
as both of its sides are concave.
"
"a candlelight dinner with wine
is the way a rou? likes to dine.
start with cocktails at six,
pick dim lighting, and chicks
will be fed and be bedded by nine.
"
"you're a journalist? here's a great scoop:
lou the nudist is forming a troop
that will lobby for aid
for a naked parade.
please expose this rash advocacy group!
"
"this sculpture was made by aunt joan,
from a substance she makes on her own.
she is very particular
that the stuff's canalicular?
both channeled and porous, like bone.
"
"he manned cannons while on a destroyer;
now my nephew's a fine canon lawyer.
once a seaman, now he
sails a holier see,
as the vatican's now his employer.
"
"the colonel was called george a. custer.
he gathered his troops in a muster,
and convinced all his crew
they could wallop the sioux,
but their tribe was a cavalry-buster.
"
"choose your field? i'd be glad to assist!
let us start by compiling a list.
you find genes a sensation?
like classification?
then pick biosystematist.
"
"for his birthday, i gave cliff a gift,
as i thought it would give him a lift?
bought an action game cheap,
name of shepherd shoots sheep?
but he sniffed; he was miffed at my thrift.
"
"folks in acva consult with pathologists,
and they're trained to be horse pharmacologists.
there's a great wealth of knowledge
at the american college
of veterinary anesthesiologists!
"
"a broadtail's a species of fur
that would make a fine jacket for her.
just don't mention its source?
baby lamb skins, of course?
or her wrath you might quickly incur.
"
"i had spelled it c-a-j-a-n,
and it looked rather odd, even then.
now my english prof's ragin'
at how i spelled cajun.
i'll not spell it that way again!
"
"cafe filtre is strong and it's hot,
and the french people like it a lot.
it is easy to make,
but it keeps me awake.
will i brew up a pot? i will not!
"
"to conquer this castle's my goal,
and i'm planning to use a bricole.
with this catapult, i
can hurl boulders quite high,
hit its wall, and produce a great hole!
"
"if with proteus or pseudomonas
your bladder's infected, the onus
is on your physician
to treat your condition?
then carbenicillin's a bonus.
"
"as i audit their company's books,
on page three there's a total that looks
about twenty times more
than on top of page four.
is this carryover? these guys are crooks!
"
"he assumed it was sexy, ironically,
to be cool and speak rather laconically,
but the guy overplayed it.
we all were dismayed; it
appears he behaved catatonically.
"
"in my youth i grew up in ceylon.
now that name for my country is gone,
and ""sri lanka"" it's called.
i am deeply appalled;
i've no option?i must carry on!
"
"politicians make promises.  they
may inveigh and get carried away,
but i call into question
the merest suggestion
that candor is what they convey.
"
"on his soles and his toes was a sheet
of thick calluses, hard as concrete,
and a hardness of heart
also set him apart:
total callousness?not just his feet!
"
"""i searched all through the summer and fall
for a dress,"" she said. ""tried every mall.
i found bupkis to wear
to our thanksgiving fair!""
""then i guess you'll wear nothing at all.""
"
"i arrived at the grand central station
when i came to new york on vacation.
my hotel reservation
was lost?what frustration!
i'm awaiting the first cancellation.
"
"when i drove with my wife on a tour
we arrived at a strange carrefour.
not a signpost in sight?
""do we turn left or right?""
she replied, ""men are so immature!""
"
"a student from butte, a montanan,
spelled so badly that one day he ran in
to ask his friend hannibal's
counsel?""are cannibals
or cannonballs shot from a cannon?""
"
"first she sculpted the clay, then she cast 'er
pose of moses reposing, in plaster;
but problems arose
when she broke off the nose,
then the fingers and toes?a disaster!
"
"aclarubicin, when it is used,
leaves leukemia patients enthused.
when you're choosing, be smart;
it won't damage your heart.
other medicines should be refused.
"
"""i will buy her a ruby,"" he thought.
california ruby he bought.
she complained, ""you're a booby!
this isn't a ruby;
you've been caught in a scam. i'm distraught!""
"
"the hood that she wore on her head
when she visited grandma, in bed,
in the wolf?my, how gory!?
gave its name to her story.
its color was candy apple red.
"
"you've a plan, but i fear this will foil it;
the labor statistics may spoil it.
seems all over the state
the activity rate
has been plunging?gone right down the toilet.
"
"the process, invented in france,
much later would serve to enhance
china's cantonese trade.
there enamel was made
in the patterns that always entrance.
"
"we go south every winter by jet.
to be trendy this year, i will get
me a bright-patterned shirt,
matching shorts, or a skirt,
when i buy a cabana-style set.
"
"calsilica (new kind of stone?)
has a rainbow of hues all its own.
used for jewels and beads,
this new substance succeeds
in adopting a mystical tone.
"
"i admire the cabbage root fly.
it's an insect i rate very high.
it is one of my joys
that its larva destroys
all the veggies i hate?and that's why!
"
"with onassis she lived in a palace?
the brilliant soprano, ms. callas.
though some shouted ""viva,
maria!,"" this diva
at times was disparaged with malice.
"
"he was named apocrisiary, when
the old pope lacked an envoy, and then
reaching constantinople
as nuncio, pope-al,
did business, and came back again.	
"
"an autoplasty granted salvation;
i was saved by this smart operation.
i supplied my own patch
so the tissues would match,
and survived it without complication.
"
"""what is cade oil?"" you ask with a grin.
""if it's juniper tar, do i win?
because both are the same?
they're an ointment i'd name
for the rash on the skin of your shin.""
"
"in our church, we'd a tenor-voiced beadle,
who'd sing?more precisely, would tweedle.
in his backside we stuck a
stiff leaf from a yucca;
to shush him, we used adam's needle.
"
"baby corey was born with a caul.
""it's good luck,"" said the priest, father paul,
""though he's red-faced and squalling,
i hope that his calling
will be to the church, not the mall!""
"
"bioregion describes a community
that features a natural unity.
geographically bounded,
its balance is grounded
in grand ecologic impunity.
"
"are you seeking the right diagnosis?
silicosis? perhaps sarcoidosis?
the devil will revel
in an ace level
that shows you have histoplasmosis.
"
"on my trips to the north, i have been
quite impressed by the road-safety scene.
""i'll turn left!"" i am thinking,
and notice a blinking
green light. then it's safe?advanced green!
"
"if rations are stored in a rattery,
do cations lounge in a cattery?
or, on orders of sarges,
move their positive charges
to the cathode that comes from a battery?
"
"youngsters burgled our house. mom was pained.
our antiques were all gone, budget strained.
they were caught and then caned,
like the chairs they'd obtained,
as their innocence clearly was feigned.
"
"if your crops are attacked by a pest,
this insecticide beats all the rest?
and its formula's heaven:
c12 h11
no2. i find carbaryl's best!
"
"i'll go fishing, but here are my terms:
i won't touch any creature that squirms,
you will furnish the boat
and the lines, but take note?
i'll contribute a canful of worms.
"
"if you want to impress your girl, frieda,
you can buy her a novel by gide, a
new lexus sedan?
she's a jellyfish fan?
win her praise with some sweet acraspeda.
"
"ben-hur won a mighty ovation
in theaters all over the nation;
though it wasn't the acting
that did the attracting,
but the wonderfully filmed aurigation.
"
"i am heading to church, and i guess, sir,
i will visit my father confessor.
i'm astray, in a jam;
i stroke ladies. i am
an obsessive-compulsive caresser.
"
"the word buttonball turns out to be
a name for the sycamore tree.
like the christmas balls hung
on your tree when you're young,
its fruit-clumps are wondrous to see.
"
"i had waited so long, it's a shame
that i can't even think of his name.
was he short? was he tall?
i can't seem to recall?
he would come; he was coming; he came.
"
"my friend pete likes to walk on concrete.
frozen pizza is all he will eat.
all his clothes are synthetic?
his thinks it's prophetic.
antinature, he feels he's elite.
"
"if you are an autodidact,
and you wish to make tissue contract,
try to buy an adstringent?
but success is contingent
on your pharmacist's knowledge and tact.
"
"i left school and the coach wrote a letter,
acknowledging i had played better,
for my age, than the rest,
wishing all of the best,
with an emblem to sew on my sweater.
"
"when i went to play golf with my dad,
he warned of the caddie we had.
late that night i found daddy
was right, as that caddie
was really a baddie: a cad!
"
"she can't stand; she can't walk; there's a bruise
where she fell from a chair.  you may choose:
it's astasia-abasia
or abasia-astasia.
say it this way or that?it's bad news.
"
"i insist in most positive terms
that your kitchen is full of bad germs.
i'll eat elsewhere! you're pissed?
no, i won't make a list.
let's not open a whole can of worms!
"
"i like cabbage in stews and in broths,
so i'm not very fond of the moths
that are called cabbage loopers.
their larvae, like troopers,
eat veggies like clothes moths eat cloths.
"
"a blood groove is seen on a knife
that is useful in warfare and strife,
as some blood in the groove
makes it quick to remove
after stabbing has ended a life.
"
"when my mom went on trips, she would jot
down my duties; she never forgot.
not an errand she missed
on that bulleted list?
each assignment came after a dot.
"
"""in the night i am fearful of ghosts.
can you help me?"" i asked the inn's hosts.
""you'll be safe in room seven,
and guarded by heaven
in an angel bed (one without posts).""
"
"in london there was an old chap
who eschewed wine and whiskey.  ""they're crap!
i prefer,"" he'd opine,
at age seventy-nine,
""aqua pura; it comes from my tap.""
"
"a salsa musician named mario
became a renowned impresario.
he is famous worldwide
where latinos reside,
so they call him the ""king of the barrio.""
"
"a batter in baseball?he may
bat in a few runs in a play,
but the men of the press,
when they're under duress,
bat out fifteen stories a day.
"
"cachaca's a rum from brazil's
back-street factories, where there are stills
that produce this raw stuff.
just one shot is enough?
to cure (or create) all your ills.
"
"""it is fit for a king or a czar;
it's luxurious, trendy and far
too expensive,"" he moaned,
""even if it's pre-owned?
i just can't buy a cadillac car.""
"
"i declare, without any compunction,
cacogastric's the word at this junction
to describe, without question,
your faulty digestion?
bad gastrointestinal function.
"
"i felt bad when my finnish friend fred
became bald and was sad, so i said,
""bro, i won't steer you wrong.
let your eyebrows grow long,
and then comb them back over your head!""
"
"in the drink that is brewed from the bean
there's a stimulant people find keen.
it's consumed by the folks
who drink pepsis and cokes.
can you figure which compound i mean?
"
"certain experts i see on tv
have voices that buzz like a bee.
like a zombie they drone
in a robot-like tone;
with much boredom, i nod off to slee. .  . . . . . . . .
"
"""your new coat of arms? a disgrace?
there are errors all over the place!
take this deer?it looks squashed.""
""no, it's merely caboched?
just its head, and it's shown in full face.""
"
"i admit it's a terrible pain
to explain, so i'll make myself plain.
what is driving me loco?
the substance in cocoa?
cacaine, my dear, not cocaine!
"
"the calcarine fissure is where
lies your visual cortex (a pair?
one the left; one the right).
it's the site of your sight?
so neurology textbooks declare.
"
"what moves when you're starting to hustle,
or find yourself caught in a tussle?
think of actinin?it
is the protein that's fit
to produce the contraction in muscle.
"
"when he spoke at the local herbarium
they refused him the small honorarium.
his talk? ""marijuana?
the path to nirvana.""
has he brains lodged inside his calvarium?
"
"when wedgewood developed a plan
to make stoneware of yellowish tan,
he required a name.
inspiration then came:
""can i name it for cane? yes, i can!""
"
"said a handsome young man named alexi,
""those lanky, lean models are sexy.
the one i like best
has no buttocks or chest,
and her doc diagnoses cachexy.""
"
"cachat is a pungent goat cheese,
highly spiced, and unlikely to please.
its production depends
on old leftover ends?
throw together with garlic, then squeeze!
"
"i once called my girlfriend a callat,
with no wish to injure my gal. it
was only an error.
imagine my terror?
she walloped my head with a mallet!
"
"if you boast of adventures and deeds
of a hero who always succeeds,
it is called aretalogy.
here's an analogy:
hype that a press agent needs.
"
"perhaps it's a quirk of psychology
that people believe in astrology.
though some are aghast
when a horoscope's cast,
an apotelesm needs no apology.
"
"time for dinner, but i'm feeling lazy;
guess i'll cook up some fresh calabrese.
when my husband walks in,
he'll go into a spin,
""me eat broccoli? you must be nuts!""
"
"caimito's a tropical tree,
and its fruit are amazing to see.
if you cut one in two,
there's a star! try a few?
star apples taste great, you'll agree.
"
"calabaza's a mexican squash.
it is simple?not flashy or posh,
but it's cheap and nutritious,
and also delicious.
i'll cook up a batch with panache!
"
"in my limericks, anapest flows;
from one line to the other it goes.
it is araphorostic,
and though i'm agnostic,
my worship of seamlessness grows.
"
"constellation that's half human male,
and half horse  (from the forelegs to tail),
in the sky, shine before us?
you mighty centaurus,
between heaven's wolf and her sail!
"
"a spider exemplifies best
this fusion of head with the chest
called a cephalothorax.
no use to try your ax?
you can't split the crown from the breast.
"
"should speech that is clearly commercial
yield to censorship? that's controversial.
some adverts will reek
of child porn, addict chic?
but the public is mainly inertial.
"
"apolaustic: devoted to pleasure,
entertainment and joy without measure.
since i'd sound like a critic
if i said sybaritic,
it's a word in our language i treasure.
"
"for a vegan, the diet is beefless.
when an arrow's been pulled, it is sheafless.
if you're hairless, you're bald,
in a state that's not called
one of aphylly?that would mean ""leafless.""
"
"a soprano once said, in milano,
cappuccino atop her piano,
""it's my favorite swallow.""
but i just couldn't follow?
where the swallows come from's capistrano.
"
"cleopatra was not a cairene?
alexandria's where she was seen.
it was capital then,
under ptolemies, when
julius caesar fell hard for this queen.
"
"spoken words in a little balloon:
in the papers this daily lampoon
of our pols and our leaders
delights all its readers?
the political type of cartoon.
"
"it isn't against my religion
to eat peas that are named for a pigeon.
they're called cajan peas too.
hindus love them?do you?
i will cook some with spice?just a smidgen.
"
"he's a calamist: one of the breed
that plays on a pipe with a reed,
not a columnist whose
calamitous views
include calumnies meant to mislead.
"
"calcitriol turns out to be
a hormone that helps you and me
with our calcium load,
so our bones don't erode;
it's a species of vitamin d.
"
"capric acid (and this you can quote),
when it comes from the fat of a goat,
smells like garbage that festers,
but made into esters
it's in perfume?this does seem remote!
"
"caledonia, so i recall,
was the high land beyond the stone wall
that ran through the north
(firth of clyde to the forth)?
where rome's occupation would stall.
"
"cab calloway: instant success
in the opera called porgy and bess,
when as sportin' life he
filled the theater with glee,
and each word he caressed with finesse.
"
"she has swellings there, under her bloomers?
can they be inflammations? the rumor's
that there's dolor and calor,
and rubor (not pallor),
and tumor?they're boils and not tumors.
"
"the carabineros all train
as chile's police, but in spain
and manila this title
refers to those vital
for guarding the coastal terrain.
"
"assoilzie, if you are a scot,
means reprieve from a difficult spot.
this ancient locution
means ""grant absolution.""
do we miss the old word? i think not.
"
"i get sick from the air-cooled frigidity
of the malls in the summer?stupidity!
scarf and mittens i sprout,
take them off going out
to re-enter mom nature's calidity.
"
"she is pointy-eared, sassy and fat;
i admit she's a bit of a brat.
her white coat with its batches
of black and rust patches
will earmark my calico cat.
"
"there once was a fellow named otto
who hit a great jackpot in lotto,
but squandered his winnings
on all kinds of sinnings?
now blotto, he lives in a grotto.
"
"said the prof, who was tall, dark, and burly,
in our class on greek history, ""girlie,
define for me cella!""
my answer was swell?""a
small temple"" (i added) ""like shirley!""
"
"from england to france, every day,
many ferries depart for calais.
while you're traveling over
the channel from dover,
stay away from the luncheon buffet.
"
"the centipede strolls cross the floor
on her numerous feet, and what's more,
she staunchly refuses
to wear any shoeses.
lace dozens of booties? what for?
"
"in a mob-controlled building i rent
an apartment. i don't owe a cent,
as i keep it in mind
if i do fall behind,
i'll be diving with feet in cement.
"
"your cesspool's where waste water flows
when you've soaked in your tub or washed clothes,
or when flushing your toilet?
did that one just spoil it??
it's icky where all that stuff goes!
"
"a movie cartoonist named mel
made an action cartoon that did well,
but the censors were vexed;
it was too over-sexed.
now he sits and draws cels in his cell.
"
"on an evening i'll never forget,
i opened my wine cellarette
and found bottles of gin
where my riesling had been.
they belong to my husband, i'll bet!
"
"uncle henry, a hale centenarian,
was hearty, and horny, and hairy, an'
seductive, and bold.
though a hundred years old,
he courted and married aunt marian.
"
"when i travel, it isn't amusing.
the centigrade scale's so confusing.
when i don't seem to freeze
at twenty degrees,
i feel like my wits i am losing!
"
"a centrist in life, it would seem,
not with leftists or rightists will scheme.
his position's no riddle?
he's right down the middle?
avoids what he thinks is extreme.
"
"bill of fare: it's a list like a menu.
you peruse it, you order, and then you
have drinks, eat your fill,
till they hand you the bill.
(next time out, choose a lower-priced venue.)
"
"cervicitis is painful; what's more,
it can make the vagina feel sore.
it is not caused by sperms,
but invasion by germs
that have entered the womb's own front door.
"
"her husband is buying a car
with a joy she's not eager to mar,
but she fumes and she bristles
when he adds bells and whistles
that exceed their tight budget by far.
"
"as he fills up with food at a deli-land,
he daydreams he's starring in telly-land,
so i have to explain,
""when you're flying your plane,
stay alert or you may have to belly-land.""
"
"all secular pleasures she'll shun:
the cenobite?she is the one
who's contented to care
for the needy, with prayer,
as she's living the life of a nun.
"
"i wonder if what i am needing
is bibliotherapy?speeding
through two books a day
keeps depression at bay?
i sure hope so! it's treatment by reading.
"
"though he first had to float several loans,
now he's paid the full price, and dad owns
his own cemetery plot,
so he's sure that he's got
a good spot made for resting his bones.
"
"in the library, cell phones are ringing.
one sounds like caruso is singing.
another is set
to a mozart quartet.
where's that old-fashioned ring-a-ding-dinging?
"
"each cerebral hemisphere sits
to one side of your brainstem and fits
snug inside of your skull.
if you think this fact dull,
just try thinking if one of them quits.
"
"grinding's hard, but he thought he could wrestle
with the job, using mortar and pestle.
he soon had a stroke,
as an artery broke?
a cerebrovascular vessel.
"
"there once was a crafty old wizard
who was caught in a snow-blowing blizzard.
with his blood turning cold,
his solution was bold?
he turned himself into a lizard.
"
"is it acrasy?  is it acrasia?
don't allow such distinctions to faze ya.
they both mean excess
or intemperateness.
(some old medical terms will amaze ya.)
"
"when i think of cosmetics in use,
i consider the toxic ceruse,
better known as white lead.
if it's used on your head,
it's like putting your neck in a noose.
"
"an arsenopyrite is stone,
sulfur, iron, and arsenic grown
monoclinic in crystal,
and hot as a pistol;
it's also as mispickel known.
"
"""your blind date has arrived,"" mama said.
""what's he look like?"" sue queried, with dread,
as she pulled on her dress.
""rather cervine, i guess;
he's got antlers on top of his head.""
"
"its celestial music will please
as its melodies float on the breeze.
it's an instrument blessed
by the gods, the celeste:
like a glockenspiel played using keys.
"
"some bedouins wear a burnoose.
it's a garment that's long and it's loose,
but don't say ""berenice""
(that's a name from old greece).
to confuse them is truly obtuse.
"
"2000 was not the first year
of the twenty-first century, dear.
it was not quite begun
until 2001.
do i make myself perfectly clear?
"
"for a housewarming gift, i told shane,
""buy a cutting board, wooden and plain.""
but instead of a bread board,
he brings home a bed board.
sending men to go shopping? insane!
"
"i know you're in love with the gal you met,
since that morning when by the canal you met,
but it just isn't right
that you quarrel and fight.
it is high time you both smoked a calumet!
"
"junior stole my rare coin, acting sneakily.
when i caught him, he swallowed it cheekily,
and he laughed at me, but
now it's stuck in his gut,
and the surgeon will seek it out cecally.
"
"here's one cecum, another two ceca?
three pouches in colons that reek-a.
for colostomies, goes
this big clamp on my nose,
and the devil knows whereof i speak-a.
"
"when cerumen appears in your ear,
with your hearing it might interfere,
and you may feel a twinge
from your doctor's syringe,
but you'll cheer when your ear becomes clear.
"
"i know wood; though i don't like to brag,
i have read every carpentry mag.
as a vigilant reader,
i've learned that the cedar
of lebanon shows on its flag.
"
"by this illness they're brought to their knees.
those who suffer from wilson's disease
haven't got ceruloplasmin
(more precious than jasmine);
their livers will fail by degrees.
"
"bee-eaters are certain to please
if your garden is covered with bees,
and you don't eat their honey,
or sell it for money;
they feast on bee-beasties with ease.
"
"he spoke to a full auditorium,
in the big pharmaceutic emporium.
""there's a new drug among us
that comes from a fungus;
it's found in the cephalosporium.""
"
"if of very old books you're a reader,
and in obsolete words you're a leader,
then chances are good,
if i asked you, you would
know that cedarn means ""made out of cedar.""
"
"in juneau, a seagoing man
goes out whaling, in spite of the ban.
""we alaskans don't care
to preserve whale or bear,
as for us it's just catch as ketchikan.""
"
"my cousin's a true ignoramus;
highschool dropout, he works as a shamus.
his celebrious case
brought him shameful disgrace,
when it ought to have rendered him famous.
"
"my uncle is hungry for fame,
wants the world to remember his name,
so he follows each debutante;
he's a celebutante?
crashing the party's his game.
"
"he etched a design made of nettles,
done in celature, using two metals,
on my new office door,
though i told him before
what i wanted was flowers, with petals.
"
"my dressmaker sewed a ceinture
round the waist of my dress. i'm not sure
that it adds much allure,
but it seems to obscure
a large stain.  think her motives are pure?
"
"though a coffin may look like a bed,
with a pillow for under your head,
you will not be reclining
on that satin lining
until you're undoubtedly dead.
"
"on cebu you won't find cebuella,
a monkey-like kind of a fella,
but you will find the sun
shines so brightly, it's fun
to relax neath a shady umbrella.
"
"in my bedroom, the paint seems to peel.
flakes now cover my bed. what's the deal?
guess it's not from the walls
that this pesky paint falls,
so i'll have to get someone to ceil.
"
"he's a follower; never a leader.
if you threaten what's his, he's a ceder
(not a cedar, the tree,
but a coward). says he,
""please don't hit me?i think i'm a bleeder!""
"
"of cecropia moths let us speak.
for a moth, they've a hearty physique.
they're a beautiful sight
when you see them in flight,
and they're named for a mythical greek.
"
"old avuncular alf is no fool,
though he's friendly and laughs, as a rule,
and he never forbids?
just gets down with the kids.
don't you dare call my uncle uncool.
"
"she burns brightly, like charcoal briquettes;
she's as sexy as anyone gets.
a cachucha she dances,
inspiring romances?
hearts race as she plays castanets.
"
"my mom anteverted her womb,
so she went to a doctor, from whom
she received this advice:
anteversion is nice.
it allows, for your rectum, more room.
"
"my girlfriend insists i'm a kidder,
but for high naval rank i'm a bidder.
because i'm a whiz,
a captainship is
the only ship i would consider.
"
"i am writing my graduate thesis
on the subject of anagapesis.
do partners who wander
find hearts growing fonder
or cooling as distance increases?
"
"when the president does something dumb, it
will cause his approval to plummet.
when nine-tenths of the nation
are antiadministration,
i guess that's some kind of a summit.
"
"though a lifetime republican, marty
thought the candidate wasn't a smarty,
so he failed to campaign.
now the bosses complain,
as they feel he's become antiparty.
"
"if you fear being watched by a duck,
you're anatidaephobic, so pluck
up your courage and face it.
take the cure and erase it?
in five years of treatment?with luck.
"
"if the start of your dinner is liquory,
guests won't notice the salad.  here's trickery:
for a tart, forceful flavor
even tipsy folks savor,
try adding asparagus chickory.
"
"asian eggplant?three types you can buy:
there's the japanese, chinese, and thai.
they're delicious in stews,
but be sure that you use
them at once.  they turn bitter?that's why.
"
"i arrive in brazil.  i am broke; a
guy in rio?he offers a smoke, a
few r?is, advice:
on the beach you'll find nice
wealthy ladies. a true carioca!
"
"not normally worn by a farmer,
this garment's a save-me-from-harmer.
it is heavily padded,
and mail pads are added?
the arming coat's worn under armor.
"
"do you ever, like me, go on trips,
via airplanes, on trains, or on ships,
to odd places, to find
the antumbra behind
our new moon, in a solar eclipse?
"
"at the campground, we needn't delay.
let us pitch the small tents right away,
then we'll raise the big tall one
beside the last small one.
it's there that we'll gather to pray.
"
"a desire that is out of control,
cacoethes, in life, plays a role.
if you're feeling the surge
of a powerful urge,
you can splurge and make pleasure your goal.
"
"i advise, without any compunction,
if you suffer erectile dysfunction,
try alprostadil. i'd
counsel once it's inside,
by injection, it expedites junction.
"
"in the movies he's aching to star,
though his acting is not up to par,
so he constantly hustles
to build up his muscles;
he's made it to beefcake so far.
"
"compassion inspired his pranks.
he provided a gun full of blanks.
when out hunting i shot
and i found i could not
really hit something?then i gave thanks.
"
"beatrice was dante's great muse;
that he loved her is no longer news.
to express his devotion
with warmth and emotion,
the form of the sonnet he'd use.
"
"this plant's belladonna, the lily,
meaning ""beautiful woman.""  it's silly
that it's called ""naked lady""?
which makes it sound shady.
amaryllis, you're truly a dilly!
"
"using phrases in latin adds class.
in my coursework, it helps me to pass.
the effect isn't gruesome;
i use 'em ad usum?
i'm never thrown out on my ass.
"
"i'm writing a graduate thesis
on techniques for a celiocentesis.
i will drain, without gravity,
the abdominal cavity,
using powers of psychokinesis.
"
"the surgeon-in-chief thought a lot o' me.
i helped out in a tough celiotomy,
but i left a gauze pad
in the abdomen?bad!
now he says i should have a lobotomy.
"
"he's a dog that has more than one head.
howling cerberus fills us with dread
(both the menfolk and ladies);
as watchdog of hades
he'll menace us after we're dead.
"
"my son likes to go on vacation,
loves to party, enjoys recreation,
but he's failing.  i plead,
""hey, joe college, you need
cerebration and not celebration!""
"
"can a stream be beheaded? you bet?
when its headwaters suffer upset
and are subject to smother
(usurped by another)?
it's left pirated, headless, all wet!
"
"groups of muscles oppose one another.
if unequal (or so says my brother),
anisosthenic, they're pairs
that may fight like two mares,
but one still overpowers the other.
"
"when we rose from primordial slime,
rocks of granite, and sandstone, and lime
had emerged from the chthonic,
at times allochronic
(not the same geological time).
"
"""a new species!"" taxonomist rohmer
announced. ""now i've sure hit a homer!""
but in place of success
was disgrace and duress;
'twas a caconym?yes, a misnomer.
"
"""be a cameraman,"" grandfather said,
""it's a job where you make lots of bread.
you are young and you're smart;
you've a talent for art.
make a start; use your heart and your head!""
"
"say it ""caoutchouc"" or say it ""caoutchouc"";
it is blubbery, rubbery gook.
cool it down; take an ounce?
you will find it has bounce.
just the name seems the game of a kook!
"
"joe's poems were sterile and heatless,
his prose over-wordy and meatless;
but his spelling was worst,
and his readers all cursed
when the beatles transformed into beatless.
"
"cefotaxime's  a third generation
of cephalosporin's creation.
its spectrum is broad,
so our doctors applaud,
and the sick give a standing ovation.
"
"nowadays i have nothing but praise
for the solderer?how he can braze!
ere he soldered my pot,
it was sad; i could not
braise my veggies in ways that amaze.
"
"does celery bring you delight?
is it best when it's crispy and white?
then beware of the fungus
that's lurking among us;
we call it the celery blight.
"
"they will grow where it's flat or it's hilly?
calochortus. the name may seem silly,
but their colors bring fame,
and they're known by this name:
mariposa, or butterfly lily.
"
"i'm bewitched by a poem by burns;
underneath its smooth surface, it churns.
i reread it and find
no repose for my mind,
so deft are his twists and his turns.
"
"""hey, cagophilist?you on your knees?
are you searching, compadre, for these?""
said my pal on a hunch,
as he offered a bunch
(to this ardent collector) of keys.
"
"when he went to be measured for specs,
ms. optometrist said, ""biconvex
is the shape that you need
so you'll come up to speed!""
he replied, ""must we talk about sex?""
"
"an ancipitous (double-edged) stem
is as flat as a sheet at the hem,
whether cotton or satin.
""two headed"" in latin;
you won't find too many of them.
"
"when devon wed kevin at seven,
it seemed like a match made in heaven
(like a pair made celestially),
but he treated her bestially?
the couple split up by eleven.
"
"the sculptor called calder, with ease,
all his patrons and critics could please
with a wonderful thing
called a mobile. parts swing
in the air with each puff of a breeze.
"
"a caretaker works at the zoo,
taking care of the grounds. when a coup
gets a government felled,
till elections are held,
that regime is a caretaker too.
"
"my calla's a white arum lily
that shrinks when the weather is chilly,
so last winter i knit
a wool sweater for it,
though i have to admit it looked silly.
"
"in your sculpture, nude woman, the section
from shoulder to hip needs correction.
we've a model, so please
observe carefully?she's
beau ideal; she's nature's perfection.
"
"here's a gift knit for junior, your nipper.
it's a pair, each secured by a zipper.
you look puzzled, so far?
don't you know what they are?
each is calceolate (shaped like a slipper).
"
"foreign travel is one of my perks.
i like faraway islands with quirks,
so instead of the pecos,
i visit the caicos,
which lie alongside of the turks.
"
"if you're out for a ride, one fine day,
in a cab called a cabriolet,
you'll have only one horse,
and a carriage, of course?
just two wheels, but a lot of cachet.
"
"it is hard to rejoice and make merry
on a diet of buffaloberry.
though the berries are edible,
their taste is incredible.
are they bitter, you ask? i'd say very!
"
"an almuce: a rather long cape
lined with fur, and peculiar in shape.
almude is a measure
for liquids we treasure,
like heavenly nectar of grape.
"
"in the spring, i eat candy in bed.
in the summer, it's ice cream instead,
but in winter and fall
i eat nothing at all
as i'm fearful of calendar spread.
"
"i like old-fashioned suitors: those who
speak in out-of-date words when they woo.
i prefer they be calid,
not tepid and pallid.
i find ancient words sexy; don't you?
"
"if you're thinking of making a splash
in a carriage and bonnet with dash,
just attend the affair
with panache and with flair:
both arrive in and wear a calash.
"
"ancient indian cultures are found
in many an illinois mound.
in cahokia's dig
the discov'ries are big;
there the bones and the potsherds abound.
"
"i expected reactions profound
when my thesis was handed around
at my masters defense,
but what broke the suspense
were guffaws?a cachinnatory sound.
"
"once measuring heads was the rage,
and this index expected to gauge
human traits.  folks enthused?
but today it's just used
to determine a fetus's age.
"
"he had wanted to be in the club,
but was subject to many a snub,
since his family tree
was two-thirds chimpanzee.
he repaired to the pub, where he'd blub.
"
"at our school, i prepared a memorial?
both a text and a layout pictorial
for a neighborhood bawd
who had died when abroad,
but our teacher's reaction? censorial!
"
"""a cementoblast,"" said my friend ruth,
""what is that?"" so i told her the truth.
""it's an osteoblast
that works hard and works fast?
makes cementum that's part of your tooth.""
"
"got two coins for my birthday from noah;
a hundred would make one balboa.
these centesimos are
of less value by far
than a dozen or so protozoa.
"
"a man shot his gun in the air,
just protesting that life is unfair.
and he deepened his frown
when the bullet came down?
he was hit in the you-can-guess-where.
"
"over time, changes caused by mutation
produce an adaptive radiation.
its outcome, besides,
is that nature provides
for her species' diversification.
"
"casablanca stars ilsa and rick.
she walks into his bar, and real quick,
he regales her with praise
of the old paris days,
but insists that she mustn't leave vic.
"
"my chemistry grade's a disgrace.
the compound they gave me to trace
as my final exam
was an ampholyte; damn!
i just couldn't tell: acid or base?
"
"the name of cascadia's  shown
on my map?a subduction-type zone;
but i'd also suggest
the pacific northwest
(and two towns claim the name as their own).
"
"one must bowl the red ball, and not kick it,
towards the batsman in front of the wicket.
if you bowl it just right,
it won't fly out of sight
(which would cost you six runs, playing cricket).
"
"my commonplace book (adversaria)
has notations inside that might scare ya.
so it's at your own risk
that you slide in the disc;
never say that i didn't prepare ya!
"
"bee flies look rather like bees.
they eat pollen and nectar with ease,
and as larvae they doom
others' young; they consume
larval bees?used as wombs, if you please!
"
"a new pope! from the vatican, live,
in the year of 2005!
once called ratzinger, joe,
now he's ready to go,
and as benedict xvi he'll thrive.
"
"it is cylinder-like in its shape,
and it's smooth so its sides will not scrape.
not intending to pain us,
it fits in the anus?
from a bougie there's just no escape.
"
"with carcinosarcoma i'm cursed.
i'm so mad that i'm fixin' to burst!
ask me why and i'll answer:
with two kinds of cancer,
double trouble?the worst of the worst!
"
"the candida albicans plan:
to discomfit each woman and man.
no if, buts, or maybes?
it starts when we're babies.
cancel candida? can we? we can!
"
"calosomas are beetles that you
may encounter. you'll see, if you do,
that on larvae they feed,
and consume them with greed.
they're metallic and green-blue in hue.
"
"""how thick is this cardboard?"" you ask,
""or the side of this wine-aging cask?""
my old ruler's no use,
but i need no excuse
'cause my caliper's fit for the task.
"
"belowdecks is where i would go
if at sea in a tropical blow.
though i never get seasick,
with fear i would be sick?
but i can't be blown overboard.  no?
"
"""when i'm in a museum, i turn
when i pass some black-figure. i yearn
to possess such a jug!""
""a greek urn, you dumb lug!""
""oh, forgive me, but what's a greek urn?""
"
"an oenophile joker named frank
bought some soda and played a mean prank.
""blanc de blancs?it's first class;
let me pour you a glass!""
but to me it was...blankety-blank.
"
"i fear that the surgeon will botch
the surgery done on my crotch.
i am trembling with terror;
he might make an error!
too bad i can't sit up and watch.
"
"he'd a dog, and she had an old cat.
he approached in the park for a chat.
then his dog made a beeline
for her feeble old feline,
and that (for poor pussy) was that!
"
"radiation is used to treat cancer,
both alone, and with drugs (an enhancer).
what's the word for the issue
of damage to tissue,
off-target? abscopal's the answer.
"
"when he visited one of his aunts,
he would bulbitate (poop in his pants),
but his lovely aunt jane
said, ""no need to complain,
as i use it to fertilize plants.""
"
"where the deer and the antelope play,
you're unlikely to find candombl?,
but just look in brazil
and you probably will?
it's a faith done the african way.
"
"at the rodeo, broncos were buckin'.
in the audience, couples were duckin'
to avoid a hard bonk
from the hooves of a bronc.
but the cowboys? they just kept on truckin'.
"
"my wife bought a beautiful blouson,
i took care to avoid spilling juice on,
when i gave her a hug.
round the waist it was snug;
it's the bust that a blouson hangs loose on.
"
"it's hard to describe the frustration
we derive from our priest's cantillation.
his liturgical text
makes us bored and so vexed,
when he stops, he receives an ovation.
"
"""we take care,"" said the man from siberia,
""in our products, to count the bacteria,
in our certified milk,
and kids' foods of that ilk?
as infections can bring on deliria.""
"
"a cetologist: someone who dotes
on a mammal that swims (or it floats),
so he's seldom out golfin'.
he's chasin' a dolphin
or whale?he's on one of his boats.
"
"centurions guarded the dome
of the pantheon?plus all of rome.
they were rough, they were tough,
and their manner was gruff,
but the visigoths burned down their home.
"
" cetacean's a name for a whale.
this great sea-mammal swims with its tail
and, though large, it moves quickly
and rules, moby-dickly,
the creatures that live in its pale.
"
"the luxurious cadillac car
is a vehicle built for a czar.
climb inside and you're seated
on seats that are heated.
feel the plush, feel the rush?you're a star!
"
"said my agent, ""please give it your all.
this is big time, so focus.  stand tall.
you have practiced so much,
you've got sureness of touch.
now you've made it to carnegie hall!""
"
"what is cellular? would you believe:
a fabric with open-mesh weave?
or the structure of bone?
or a lava-like stone?
but a cellular phone is my peeve!
"
"the expert who did the appraising
said this braiser could really use brazing.
if i coat it with brass
it will surely surpass
other pots in its class. how amazing!
"
"i received, through the chief's generosity,
a bogometer (measures bogosity),
but he says i can't use it
on his edicts and views, it
might show him to be a monstrosity.
"
"nowadays i remember it well,
the all-powerful cali cartel.
it sold all the cocaine,
and was formed, in the main,
by gilberto and brother miguel.
"
"i've a terrible cough, and i hope
the bronchoscopist sees in his scope
nothing dire, like tb,
or a cancer. if he
finds a cause that's benign, i can cope.
"
"as i travelled and reached mogadishu,
i was injured, and now there's an issue.
i lost skin from my cheek,
and the blood supply's weak.
i need angiogenic-type tissue.
"
"though it takes many weeks, many hours,
behavioral treatment empowers.
anthophobia cured,
now my future's assured.
i no longer am fearful of flowers.
"
"her party was classy and lavish.
her beauty and breeding could ravish.
he was caught in her spell,
but he didn't act well
as a suitor?not suave, he was calvish.
"
"i love climates that tend to be balmy.
when the winds aren't blowing, it's calmy.
in a sidewalk cafe
i can sit every day,
lunch on kosher buffet, eat salalmy.
"
"calumba, an african vine,
yields an extract that folks think is fine
as a pick-me-up tonic
for tiredness that's chronic.
use calumbin? i'd rather drink wine!
"
"if you study the shoreline of french land,
you'll find terraces, ridges, and benchland.
watching mademoiselles
gather mussels and shells?
as a mensch on your bench, you're in wenchland.
"
"whack the rug till the job is completed.
when you beat it, the dust is defeated.
what's your personal best?
beat it now, in this test.
you've been given your orders; now beat it!
"
"a bossy's a cow or a calf,
but i don't use that word with my staff,
so my waiters won't boast
while they're serving a roast,
""it's baked bossy?a pound and a half!""
"
"said an angry young sailor named judah,
preparing to catch barracuda,
""this sailboat's a phony!
i want a marconi
(the same as a rig from bermuda)!""
"
"calypso bulbosa is rare.
it's an orchid that's named with a flair.
fairy slipper, it's called,
and it leaves us enthralled
when we wonder who'd dare wear a pair.
"
"she was bountiful, though she gave alms
ostentatiously, lacking in chalms;
and the poor tugged their locks
as she handed out socks
in the workhouse and lunatic falms.
"
"cloudy dimness?oh, what caligation!
my vision is poor! such frustration!
i'm longing to read,
so i guess what i need
are some glasses, or else medication.
"
"i was hopeless when i was a kid?
couldn't button my shirt, so i hid.
said my mom in despair,
""you're so clumsy, you'll wear
only buttonless clothing!"" i did.
"
"there's a philippine province, it's true,
that's an island with very few gnu,
and not too many zebu
(not he-bu nor she-bu)?
the beautiful isle of cebu.
"
"i will state my position with clarity:
i seldom contribute to charity,
as in fact, i'm in debt
from the bills that i get
just to pay for my phone's cellularity.
"
"a boomtown's a center of trade
that is growing, though soon it may fade,
and all over the nation
has this reputation:
a place where a buck may be made.
"
"as nobility, boyars ranked high,
back in russia, in days long gone by.
but 'twas crow that they ate
under peter the great
as he forced them to eat humble pie.
"
"our bonfires climb high and burn bright,
and their sparks, like the stars, light the night,
as the ashes of guys
make their way to the skies.
england's guy fawkes night's really a sight!
"
"it is time for a grand celebration!
i will broadcast the news to the nation
that i passed my exam!
yes, it's true that i am
on the list for board certification!
"
"i recently went to the zoo
with my kids, who love animals too.
of all earth's biota
we chose adenota,
an antelope, puku to you.
"
"i said i'd deliver the tea
for the social in flat 803.
as i carried the canister
i clung to the bannister?
eight flights took the wind out of me!
"
"father's sperm met mom's egg in a lab.
i was born as she rode in a cab?
didn't need a cesarean
to birth this cancerian
(born under the sign of the crab).
"
"i suspected, but now i have proof,
that the fellow who fixed our church roof
did not volunteer,
as this invoice makes clear;
it was done in his boss's behoof.
"
"the bark of the cassia is ground
to make cinnamon, used all around;
but i stumbled upon
better spice from ceylon,
where a tastier cinnamon's found.
"
"thinking just of american soil,
we will never supply enough oil;
so when opec's supply
became cartelized, bye
to low prices. it makes our blood boil!
"
"a belt that held tight what was zesty,
the cestus of venus (the chesty
and ravishing goddess)
was worn near her bodice.
yes, cesti could make a man testy.
"
"scoliosis is painful, although
there's a brace that can help the spine grow.
its objective, in essence:
kids reach adolescence,
with centra lined up in a row.
"
"it is fluid that's cerebrospinal
(not rhinal, and never vaginal),
found in spine and in brain,
where it ought to remain,
'cause to drain it's a pain, and that's final!
"
"there's a calf bone located within
both your legs. each is next to a shin,
where it always has been.
it is long, and it's thin,
and called fibula?named for a pin.
"
"the term biocide: word for a killer;
the concept alone is a chiller,
but think killing weeds,
pests and fungi. one needs
such a substance?it's hardly godzilla.
"
"in my hammock my mood was irenic.
i felt languorous, oddly asthenic,
and alone, so i thought,
till the breeze gently brought
an aroma i knew biogenic.
"
"baryphobia: oddest of all
the disorders of growth that befall
certain children (not fed
by their parents). i've read
undernourishment keeps children small.
"
"i have purchased a sleek evening gown,
and a sparkling tiara?a crown.
now i feel like a queen
every time that i'm seen
with my broadwayite man-about-town.
"
"their romancing and courtship were heady,
but marriage? i doubt that they're ready.
he stays out when he wishes,
neither one does the dishes,
and her cakes, when she bakes them, are bready.
"
"though the figure is heavily robed,
and its gender's not easily probed,
i declare it's a female.
no way can it be male!
its chest is distinctly bilobed.
"
"as i entered the quarry, a gust
of a zephyr stirred thick limestone dust.
as i feared calcicosis,
a dread diagnosis,
i regarded the site with mistrust.
"
"my hairdo's a wild aberration,
and i'm sure that i know the causation.
my beautician got dizzy
and made my hair frizzy;
i'm a victim of calamistration.
"
"beaux arts, a parisian ecole,
played a key international role
in promoting a style
that for years would beguile
the late nineteenth-century soul.
"
"will our world ever end? it's bid fair.
though it's fact, i don't say it to scare.
we've got billions of years
left to go.  have no fears,
as not one of our crowd will be there.
"
"in bolivian jungles it's dark,
but the indian found yellow bark
and described this reliever
of torment and fever.
calisaya (his name) left its mark!
"
"the lizard that's called callisaurus,
in the desert would never ignore us.
he would flee and he might
show his tail, black and white.
he'd amuse and delight?never bore us.
"
"biometry leads us to measure
living things?mother nature's great treasure?
and to analyze data
so sooner or lata
we'll understand all (at her pleasure).
"
"i'm suggesting (and please don't prejudge)
that we purchase some activated sludge
for our sewage. aeration
made this innovation
(i think it looks something like fudge).
"
"the centaur, half man and half horse,
had two arms and four legs, and of course
all were male at a glance
(since they couldn't wear pants)?
and they tried to take women by force.
"
"some folks who seek assecuration
of future beatification
will lead lives free of sin,
do good works, and join in
every charity-based celebration.
"
"bucephalus: he was the horse
alexander the great rode, of course,
when he conquered the land
where his cities would stand?
alexandrias, founded by force.
"
"mom objects to my talking in slang,
but i want to be one of the gang?
so i say what i like.
she can go take a hike,
as the truth is i don't care a hang!
"
"when the cavalry soldiers would fight,
each would turn his horse half to the right,
then he'd shoot and turn left,
hit his target if deft.
it was caracole. usefulness? slight!
"
"when your heart isn't able to pump
all the blood it's expected to dump,
you get cardiomeg-
aly?shaped like an egg,
it's a megalocardiac lump!
"
"back in europe, this dynasty's reign
many ruling positions would gain.
it was called carlovingian,
or else carolingian?
charlemagne's a link in its chain.
"
"he wasn't just one of the guys,
and i felt like a warrior's prize.
rippling deltoids and pecs?
he seemed ready for sex
as he carnally studied my?eyes?
"
"""doing exercise does me no harm,
keeps me healthy, and adds to my charm.""
she displayed without malice
a firm brachialis
that perfectly suited her arm.
"
"notoriety?that she'll achieve
through her outfits. if you can believe?
in a blizzard of sorts,
she arrived wearing shorts,
and a blouse with a tiny cap sleeve.
"
"can you name a volcano-made clay,
that was formed long ago, far away?
if your mind's analytic,
you'll say bentonitic:
with al and si, it's ok!
"
"bugs bunny eats carrots, tells jokes,
then runs off, his feet spinning like spokes.
these cartoons on tv
fill their viewers with glee,
till a pig stutters, ""th- that's all, folks!""
"
"a calver's a cow that says moo,
but the word has another sense too:
to slice something fine
and then pickle in brine.
i'd not calver my calver. would you?
"
"a cenacle (circle or clique)
has a root with a certain mystique?
where the famous last supper
took place, in the upper
room?that event sure was unique!
"
"in the jewel collection i own,
there are pieces that seldom are shown.
there's a lovely blue-green
that is fit for a queen
made from calaite, called turkish stone.
"
"for a movie career that's long-lasting,
stay trim, use the gym, practice fasting,
but don't binge and then throw up,
and be sure that you show up
when the call comes?from whom? central casting!
"
"i can look at this problem sardonically,
or use orthodox methods, canonically,
and with sharp execution.
then i'll find a solution
and i won't seem to falter moronically.
"
"cerussite, a mineral ore,
comes in beautiful crystals. what's more,
these lovely formations
are lead combinations
(and toxic, as stated before).
"
"these bipinnate-type leaves are so nice;
they are shaped like a feather, but twice!
first the leaf folds in two,
then the leaflets all do?
mother nature's ingenious device.
"
"sihasapa sounds very sweet;
it's a tribe you're most likely to meet
on the great western plains
where the tour guides take pains
to deny that the tribe has black feet.
"
"the clich? boys, a tough gang of hoods,
says its rep is now out of the woods,
as the fuzz never fails
to append hard as nails,
when describing the gang's bill of goods.
"
"caligula's rule was a beaut!
he was vain and as nuts as a fruit-
cake. his reign would appall.
does it matter at all
that caligula means ""little boot""?
"
"here is cellulase, word that appalls.
it's confusing, and that's why it galls.
it's like cellulose, though
with an ""a"" not an ""o.""
it's an enzyme that breaks down cell walls.
"
"if you take a tuberculin test,
cell immunity kicks in. impressed?
it is cell-mediated,
and quite underrated,
but potent, my doctors suggest.
"
"said a sickly young guy from siberia,
who developed a case of diphtheria,
""i will never get well
here?it's colder than hell!""
so he travelled to sunny algeria.
"
"it is helpful to measure the head
during labor, or so i have read,
as this cephalometric
step helps the obstetric
team know when to section instead.
"
"beer and skittles, an odd sort of phrase,
meaning ""pleasure,"" is used nowadays
to inform us of what
an activity's not.
in a positive sense, 'twould amaze.
"
"her manner, informal and breezy,
made her dates all assume she was easy,
but they found she was not.
when a fellow got hot
she would slap him and say, ""don't be sleazy!""
"
"i've become an omnivorous reader.
in old books, things resembling cedar,
like some wood, or a tree,
are called cedry.  for me
such a word is a reading-impeder.
"
"all the passers-by cheer and shout ""bravo!""
for the street singer known as gustavo,
and they seem to rejoice
at his strong tenor voice,
but they don't leave a single centavo.
"
"i'm asleep, so i don't really feel 'im,
when the surgeon incises my celom,
cuts my stomach and gut,
sews them up again, but
now it's up to my body to heal 'em.
"
"this calc-sinter mineral brings
a long history. formed by hot springs,
handsome travertine stone
is in italy known,
seen in villas and homes built for kings.
"
"i have wished all my life that i could
own a desk made of cabinet wood,
with its drawer-pulls of brass,
topped with glass?so high class?
just to picture it makes me feel good.
"
"if you're taking a trip, automation
can help. here's my recommendation:
call forwarding's great?
keeps your work up to date?
though you won't have much fun on vacation.
"
"biologism has its attractions.
it examines society's actions
(both our women's and men's)
through biology's lens;
it explores our accords and infractions.
"
"my cousin's brazilian and he's
bringing snapshots to friends overseas.
a large photo he'll bring?a
wide shot of caatinga
(a forest of stunted white trees).
"
"making resins, butyraldehyde's swell;
but be careful with flames?listen well!
your c4h8o?
up in smoke it may go,
and your lab will be hotter than hell.
"
"my chemistry prof often said,
""butyl alcohol fills me with dread.
as a solvent i think it
is fine, but don't drink it!
swig butanol? soon you'll be dead.""
"
"john calhoun was vice president?twice,
under adams and jackson. that's nice.
he resigned to join men at
the united states senate,
where his speeches were seldom concise.
"
"there is catalase deep in each cell
of your cat?so the science books tell,
but it also is found
in the sheep, in the hound,
and in each living creature as well.
"
"physostigmine is found in a bean
where there also is calabarine.
a witch's ordeal
was this poisonous meal?
either vomit or die.  some cuisine!
"
"i don't know; should i sorrow or frolic?
make merry, or turn melancholic?
should i laugh or be sad?
is this news good or bad?
the rejoinder, i fear: amphibolic.
"
"they arrived on agreed-upon dates,
representing the greek city-states.
the amphictyons voted;
decisions were noted,
affecting their several fates.
"
"i react to juan fl?rez. he sings.
his high c can affect living things!
this man's bioactive.
he's more than attractive;
his act is, in fact, made for kings.
"
"""there's a foul-smelling tree in the park,""
i opined. here's the ranger's remark:
""it is useful for lumber,
and also a number
of nostrums. it's called cabbage bark.""
"
"the caa'ing whale's not very rare,
and not large; if you wish to compare
to the sperm, you'll surmise
it's of medium size.
eat some medium rare, if you dare.
"
"in becoming a mammal, your claw
can't be formed right away, nor your paw.
you must first be a fish
as an embryo; wish
dr. haeckel had not made that law.
"
"an infection we'd all like to keep
from afflicting our cattle and sheep
is the insect-borne germ
we call bluetongue?the term
for a cost to our livestock that's steep.
"
"when the acids build up in my bile,
it is harder and harder to smile.
i become supercilious,
punctilious, and bilious.
i'm cranky; my temper gets vile.
"
"""act of union,"" in history, stands
as the law that unites different lands.
but to me such an act
is coition?in fact
what our species' survival demands.
"
"a blue line is seen neath the ice
of a hockey-rink?there it's drawn twice.
and a blue line will come
to the edge of your gum
if you're poisoned by lead. that's not nice!
"
"we both live near woods of white pine.
i find blister rust growing in mine.
i've a fear that's humungous?
trees die from this fungus.
how come your trees are looking so fine?
"
"whales are large, and they weigh quite a bit.
they eat mega-amounts to stay fit.
can you think how the right whale
(a large, and not light whale)
grows huge on a diet of britt?
"
"you'll find him at seashore or lido:
the kingfisher (genus alcedo).
when he isn't out fishin',
for his mate he is wishin'?
he's got a prodigious libido.
"
"oranges, lemons and limes?
these are citrus fruits, good at all times.
aconitase takes
citric acid and makes
isocitric. (it's one of those zymes.)
"
"with bronchioles foul and dilated,
bronchiectasis often is hated.
first you can't catch your breath,
then you're coughing to death?
so it seems?till the cough has abated.
"
"""join the 'church of the rich and secure';
pray with us and you'll never be poor.""
if i send money now,
i'll get wealthy, and how!
(so it said in their glossy brochure.)
"
"if a plane features berths, does that make
it a bedding plane? what a mistake!
geological data
show planes between strata;
the site where the rocks often break.
"
"as a kid, i behaved like a boob;
smoked my first cigarette like a rube.
with a laugh, my pal spoke,
""gotta suck in the smoke,
right on down through your bronchial tube!""
"
"to the specialist's office i dash,
and i'm willing to pay him in cash.
he finds acanthorrhexis
in a spread big as texas?
he declares, ""you've one hell of a rash!""
"
"a berg is a huge piece of ice
that can act as a wrecking device.
it may cause a large rip
in the hull of a ship
that will sink, with a high human price.
"
"bitter chocolate's useful in baking,
preparing some frostings, and making
a lovely brown candy.
its flavor's just dandy;
the thought of it starts my hands shaking!
"
"twenty-fifth of december: that's when
ancient greeks held a festival. then
later roman displays
lasted thirty-odd days.
think brumalia will come back again?
"
"he's a caesarist, runs his regime
like a tyrant, and this is his scheme:
to have absolute power,
each day, every hour.
to conquer the world is his dream.
"
"in our country, corruption abounds;
our government's gone to the hounds.
an airedale or setter
could govern us better.
let's recruit our officials from pounds.
"
"in catharsis, emotions will pour
from your soul, through each window and door.
you may laugh, you may cry,
and not even know why,
and keep on till you can't any more.
"
"she is pretty, and charming, and sweet.
she's a bonnibel, friendly, discreet.
she's a bellibone too?
either usage will do.
she's the girl mom would like you to meet.
"
"when you're bankrupt, you've run out of money,
and the future does not appear sunny.
as you're drowning in debt
you can't pay, i would bet
it is hard to find much that is funny.
"
"the chief of this crew is boeotian.
he is dull, without any emotion.
he is stupid and dense?
no more sense than a fence?
yet revered by his staff with devotion.
"
"caprolactam, a compound i smile on,
is used in the making of nylon
for our parachutes, hose,
and the cord, i suppose,
that we hang from a tree or a pylon.
"
"first my daughter announced, ""dad and mom, it
looks bad. i am going to vomit!""
then she opened her mouth
and she boaked north and south,
and her dinner flew out like a comet.
"
"though i know that the name of ""reserve"" is
attached to your unit, i'm nervous.
i fear any day
they will call you away,
when your status becomes ""active service.""
"
"h. alger wrote books about lads
who inherited naught from their dads,
but made good all the same,
with success in life's game.
they earned goods by avoiding the bads.
"
"though born british, on avon's west bank,
i am glad i grew up as a yank.
now i've taken the oath
and feel loyal to both?
and for that i've my parents to thank.
"
"a package arrived from your mother?
its contents? unlike any other?
there's a beefsteak tomato,
and an alex potato.
is that mr. potato head's brother?
"
"the professor began his polemic.
""this problem,"" he said, ""is systemic.
all our money, it seems,
goes to basketball teams,
as our college is antiacademic!""
"
"i'm a limerick-writing fanatic,
though their quality may seem erratic.
the best ones are clever,
but none whatsoever
imperfectly apothegmatic.
"
"i worked on the painting for days
in hopes the professor would praise,
and not call my work junk.
but he said it was sunk
by my aberrant anchoring gaze.
"
"sixth-century ancient japan,
when their buddhism practice began,
marks the place on the chart
for asuka-style art,
that today still has many a fan.
"
"bromocriptine from ergot derives,
and it sometimes improves people's lives.
it inhibits lactation
(that's breast milk formation),
and parkinson patients revives.
"
"i approach urban life with humility.
through the traffic i dodge with agility,
and i really don't care
just as long as the air
will maintain its sustained breathability.
"
"a friar who lived in a friary
wrote the following note in his diary:
""my new cloak with the hood
was shredded for good
when i stood in the wood that was briary.""
"
"the cephalochordate is prone
to hide in the sand when it's grown.
it is shaped like a sword,
and its nerves form a cord,
but it hasn't a spine made of bone.
"
"the discipline known as cytology
also carries the name cell biology.
it's the study of cells
and their wee organelles
that employs all our latest technology.
"
"some amphibians strike me as cute;
california's newt is a beaut.
he's a little brown fellow
whose belly is yellow.
i salute him (unlike georgia's newt).
"
"the protease calpain, it's plain,
is quite helpful to cells in the main,
but it's toxic to folk
who have suffered a stroke
or a trauma that injures the brain.
"
"cousin morty was never the sort
to be playful, to caper (cavort).
steely eyes and set jaw,
morty studies the law,
and for sport takes a tort into court.
"
"sir bors was a round table knight.
hunting boar was his constant delight.
did he lecture the others
and bore all his brothers,
who bore it as well as they might?
"
"anacampserote: that which restores
the lost love of a love one adores.
there's an herb, i have heard,
that gave birth to this word,
but it's found just on mythical shores.
"
"bought a lottery ticket with fred.
""if we win, we'll go halfies,"" he said.
now he hands me this pottery,
says, ""here's your allottery.""
so i whomps him upside of the head.
"
"bioassay can measure the power
of enzymes in fauna or flower,
or activity levels
of that which bedevils?
the germ that can make our milk sour.
"
"a bedplate? now what could that mean?
there's no bed on my plate to be seen.
there's no plate on my bed?
just a mattress instead.
(it's the base on which rests a machine.)
"
"i requested a coat that was furry.
the saleswoman thought i said ""burry.""
she brought out a jacket
too scratchy to hack it?
i ran from the shop in a hurry.
"
"walk through burweed that grows between rocks;
you'll acquire a memento that shocks.
little fruits full of stickers
will stick to your knickers,
and cling to the tops of your socks.
"
"i came home from a lovely vacation
in a neighboring tropical nation;
found a burglar had been
in my house, stole my pin,
so i shrieked an obscene exclamation.
"
"to bulldog's to bring to the ground
a steer that's not easily downed.
it's a rodeo test
that you'll see in the west,
where immense herds of cattle are found.
"
"businessperson's a very ""in"" word.
though it's neuter, i find it absurd.
businessmen has no quirks;
businesswomen? that works.
businesspeople? is that what's preferred?
"
"""i've grown old and forgetful. it's plain,
cells are turning to soup in my brain?
what? they're turning to cheese?
it's alzheimer's disease!""
i admit (using those that remain).
"
"at oedilf, when it's time for a weap
and the weapee is you, you don't sleep
as a thousand opinions
assault your dominions.
there are times you just want to yell, ""bleep!""
"
"in the butler's small pantry, they kissed,
and he told her how much she'd been missed.
as they bussed in the butlery,
she picked up some cutlery
and stabbed him. ""you cheater!"" she hissed.
"
"when i asked his profession one time,
my cousin, who lives out in lyme,
said, ""i'm not doin' nuttin', man,
but i once was a button man?
a soldier for organized crime.""
"
"""this amusement park features a bunch
of rides that can sure pack a punch,""
said my pal, so we splurged,
and i did as he urged:
rode the chute-the-chute, brought up my lunch.
"
"the scientist labored, unknownly,
to copy himself, working clone-ly.
he was hidden away,
but he dreamt every day
of a prize from nobel, his alonely.
"
"every cent that i earned, i have spent?
not a scent left of what it once meant.
my ascent to the top
was as fast as my drop;
for a loan i will need your assent.
"
"a gourmet from l.a. who's called ian
digs the food from the blue caribbean.
much better than libyan,
he savors caribbean?
and he likes it much more than korean.
"
"on bridle paths, horses wear halters;
as they canter, their pace never falters,
but how many males
move as slowly as snails
on the bridal paths leading to altars?
"
"a brush cut or crew-cut is worn
by the guys who get up every morn
and engage in the fights
that preserve human rights
which aggressors, in general, scorn.
"
"see this stone in my ring, in the light,
allochroic if rays hit it right?
it's designed to change color
(makes others seem duller);
i wear it to sparkle at night.
"
"i hope that my doc understands
that i'm putting my life in his hands,
where the medical might is;
i've got acinitis,
a case of extremely sore glands.
"
"when i'm limerick writing, betimes
i have trouble in finding my rhymes,
and it makes me feel dumb;
yet at times they just come
on their own, with bells, whistles, and chimes.
"
"when i'm hunting wild orchids, i'm chipper.
california's rare lady's slipper
has remarkable hues.
it's a bloom that i'd use
to embellish the thong of a stripper.
"
"i'm in love with the guy; that's, in essence,
why my face wears a strange luminescence.
when i meet him i blush.
see my countenance flush?
now my cheeks show a rosy calescence!
"
"i am doing a bit of research.
do you think i'd be left in the lurch
if i say we must wed
at the tavern instead
of the altar up front in our church?
"
"my grandmother told me that i
ought to marry a churchgoing guy;
then on sundays i'll know
where to find him, although
it's an argument i just can't buy.
"
"their furniture (dark gothic shapes)
made more churchlike by closed heavy drapes,
votive candles as well,
makes me think, ""what the hell
made us say we'd go home with these apes?""
"
"if it's chronic, we also say chronical
(though chronic, i think, is canonical),
while chronicles mount
an historic account.
that they're both said the same is moronical.
"
"i doubt that i ever will see
a man quite as handsome to me
as the anthropoid ape
on the videotape
with the muscular shape: chimpanzee!
"
"a chimney rock stands straight and tall.
if i climbed one, i'm sure i would fall,
but my playful pal paul
isn't worried at all.
paul will call: ""climb a wall!  have a ball!""
"
"a chimney swift, ready to rest,
chirped sweetly, then flew to her nest
in a flue that's unused.
a used flue she'd refused,
as a chimney that's empty works best.
"
"as i age, all my rhythms, i find,
start to slow, but i really don't mind.
it isn't psychology;
it's chronobiology.
thus aging affects humankind.
"
"i'm in love. the condition is chronic.
all my fancies and hopes are hedonic.
i've pursued her for years.
she avoids me. she fears
my intentions. they aren't platonic.
"
"i'll always remember the day
that i drank my first wine (chardonnay).
i had gone to a dance
and had hoped for romance,
but passed out and was carted away.
"
"you three witches seem awfully astute,
and the broth that you brewed is a beaut.
cast a spell straight from hell!
so you'll do it real well,
let me sell you this swell eye of newt.
"
"morris bishop once taught at cornell,
and he published its hist'ry as well,
but his humorous verse
makes my sadness disperse,
as his poetry's funny as hell!
"
"much cancer research moves ahead
using cell lines originally bred
from some virulent cancers.
they're looking for answers
in tumors of patients long dead.
"
"some cells were removed from my mate
and were grown in the lab on a plate,
and this cell culture we
hope will render the key
to his illness?the one that's innate.
"
"said a medical student in huron,
""in our text, i don't know what page you're on,
but i can't find in mine
how on earth to define
the cell body, a part of the neuron.""
"
"my sister's pet bird is a mynah.
she bought it in south carolina.
i felt for its chest
to find out if its breast-
bone was carinate (with a carina).
"
"if the flowers are beautiful, blue
as the sky, or like selsun shampoo,
and their shape's like a bell,
then their name you can tell:
they're all bluebells, that shape and that hue.
"
"last night?a blind date with a clerical.
i'd been told she'd behave like a caracal.
i expected a lamb,
but she clawed. here i am,
wrapped in bandages, bloody, hysterical!
"
"caliciviridae, scientists say,
simple strands that are pure rna,
can produce hepatitis,
and even gastritis.
let's keep these bad microbes away!
"
"to assure you've a healthy prognosis,
after tissue is lost by necrosis,
small centrioles dwell
deep inside of each cell?
organelles that will help in mitosis.
"
"yes, she wore that red hat with the brim,
and the flowers, with ribbons as trim.
as a churchwoman, she
looked to sundays with glee.
she knew many a hymn (but no him).
"
"middle eastern, not asian, like thailand,
ancient babylon never was my land.
this hotbed of sin
has a namesake that's in
the state of new york, on long island.
"
"my friend fran always brings home her mates
to meet mom, and their jobs she relates.
there is phil, a psychologist,
and chris, a chronologist?
his principal interest is dates.
"
"when a horse has a tail that's been clipped,
his rear end is no longer equipped
to brush skeeters and flies
from his haunches and thighs?
no surprise that a bobtail feels gypped.
"
"they arranged their first rendezvous at
a chateau that was called montserrat.
she was dressed all in puce,
with her hair hanging loose,
and he cried, ""where's your red flowered hat?""
"
"on her head she wore red, my aunt pat,
a straw bonnet with flowers, and that
was worn only on sunday,
so that was the one day
we savored aunt pat's churchy hat.
"
"the bullbat, each evening's a sight,
eating insects it captures in flight?
not a bull nor a bat,
but a bird (fancy that!),
though a nighthawk's no hawk of the night.
"
"a bush jacket, worn with bush pants,
is an outfit that seldom enchants.
it is worn on safari
by greek or bihari,
and wouldn't fit in at a dance.
"
"consider the word buckaroo,
meaning ""cowboy""?an odd word it's true.
it's from spanish, somehow?
the word vaca, or cow?
and vaccine is derived from that too!
"
"i have gone back to school?did you hear??
to prepare for a novel career.
i foresee joy unending,
as i plan public spending,
in my role as a state budgeteer.
"
"next bastille day, i'll make it my goal:
dance and wear and sing la carmagnole.
it's a song and a dance,
and the clothes worn in france
when king louis relinquished control.
"
"a fine-featured fellow from france
fell for fifi (a floozie). her glance
made his fancy take flight,
but each fortnight they'd fight.
could fair fifi be faithful? fat chance!
"
"the hapless young chap made a flap,
when i tripped and fell flat in his lap
on a bench where he napped;
he awoke and felt trapped.
""just a mishap,"" i snapped, ""shut your yap!""
"
"one is chastity; t'other's called  charity.
these twin gals have been named with great clarity.
one behaves like a nun
but the other is fun?
an example of nature's disparity.
"
"you have made your request with great clarity?
fifty bucks for your favorite charity.
will you make a donation
toward my winter vacation?
(the least i'm expecting is parity.)
"
"when i met her, i found her disarming.
what i later found out was alarming.
she's a witch, so folks tell,
who casts many a spell,
which is why they describe her as charming.
"
"if bronchitis is making you ill,
there's a tree called amapa that will
cure your ailment (hurrah!),
while you'll find amap?
is a state in northeastern brazil.
"
"a caruncle is fleshy; it droops,
like the wattles of hens in the coops,
or the comb of a cock?
he's the chicken-coop jock,
and the layer of layers in groups.
"
"a canyon's a split in the ground
where a river or stream may be found?
good for climbing or hiking,
geologically striking?
in its walls sometimes fossils abound.
"
"it's the place where he sticks in his pins,
and it's painful when treatment begins.
i complain to him, ""jack, you puncture
hard, giving acupuncture!""
at this point, he usually grins.
"
"if a couple is childfree, that rids
them of worries of colic or sids,
and in that they rejoice.
they are childless by choice.
they are people who do not want kids.
"
"my dad dates a woman who's childish.
her temperament's sweetish and mildish.
though he sometimes complains
when she wears mary janes,
he prefers her to gals that are wildish.
"
"to marry an elder's the rage.
an experienced man may seem sage,
but such matters are weighty.
should a man who is eighty
wed someone of childbearing age?
"
"""it's an adjective!"" ""no! it's a noun!""
as they argued, each prof wore a frown.
""a chill wind blows no good.""
""caught a chill in the 'hood.""
so i said, ""take a chill pill. calm down!""
"
"if you go out to dinner and splurge
on a feast that indulges each urge,
you may wish, the next morn,
that you'd never been born?
a cathartic will help you to purge.
"
"don't get drunk on the isle of capri.
it's a beautiful island to see,
but italians are lovers;
too late one discovers
a case of acute std.
"
"that lesion you have on your shin
now has blood pooling under the skin,
so pull up your breeches,
and i'll bring the leeches.
bdellatomy: let us begin!
"
"the word briskness may sometimes be used
to mean ""sharpness,"" but don't be confused;
there is briskness in tea,
and in pace?that makes three
kinds of use?your confusion's excused.
"
"tell me, how do you spell ankylosis?
it is a-n-c-h-y-l-osis.
but there's no k in sight.
could it really be right?
(english spelling can lead to psychosis!)
"
"i've purchased a mansion in rome,
a luxurious place to call home,
with mahogany doors,
and mosaic tile floors,
and a bathtub that's plated in chrome.
"
"if you're courting my daughter, you'll find
i'm a dad of the old-fashioned kind.
just be fresh on a date?
with my shotgun i'll wait,
and with buckshot i'll spray your behind.
"
"the lawman they called wyatt earp
was famed for his heavyweight burp.
during meals, or right after,
he often caused laughter?
a thunderclap, not just a chirp.
"
"""what's a cental?"" you ask. i submit
it's a hundredweight. yes, it's legit.
it's a hundred pounds, or
just a little bit more?
twelve pounds extra?that's if you're a brit.
"
"i really must thank dr. quinn
for the wonderful health that i'm in.
he prescribes what i eat
(lots of veggies, no meat),
and my celibacy, causing chagrin.
"
"touring south yucat?n, you'll hear tell:
mayan victims of sacrifice fell
to the bottom and drowned,
when your tour guide has found
a cenote (a natural well).
"
"as we age, we increase our verbosity.
adding weight, we achieve adiposity.
as our hair turns to white,
we lose hearing and sight.
all these changes are caused by annosity.
"
"my doc wants to open my head?
""callosotomy""?that's what he said,
but it's making me blue.
i will ask if he'll do
a colostomy, maybe, instead.
"
"the butter clams found in the west
are great for a clambake or fest,
and it seems kind of funny?
their shells were once money,
pacific coast natives attest.
"
"i suppose that my husband's neurosis
gives our marriage a doubtful prognosis.
since he won't take the pills
doc prescribed for his ills,
we will quickly approach cagamosis.
"
"the fellows who follow fidel
sometimes sound like fanatics from hell.
they are castroites and
follow castro's command?
but unlike him, they do not rebel.
"
"first they said it was widespread thrombosis,
but i found it was carcinomatosis.
my tumors, dramatic,
are all metastatic;
i fear i've a baleful prognosis.
"
"alternacy's full connotation:
""taking turns,"" or, i'd say, ""alternation.""
like a train on a track,
going forward and back?
like a shuttle, from station to station.
"
"you won't find it on maps by mercator,
as it wasn't discovered till later?
if you're asked to define
this aclinic-based  line,
simply say ""the magnetic equator.""
"
"under caveat venditor, there
is good sense: ""let the seller beware.""
now a salesperson aims
to be sure of his claims?
and his ads have less flair, but are fair.
"
"here's a word: catasophistry. fit
it right into your glossary.  it
is in fact worth a nibble;
its meaning's ""to quibble.""
go on and complain?pick a nit!
"
"eating hamburger causing you groans?
has your gall bladder filled up with stones?
a special photography,
cholecystography,
shows them in contrasting tones.
"
"it is cholecystitis, i think,
and my gall bladder's swollen and pink.
are there pills i can take
to relieve it, and make
inflammation depart? will it shrink?
"
"the cartilage here in my knee
isn't quite what i want it to be,
and my surgeon now deems it's
chondropathy. ""seems it's
eroded,"" says he (for a fee).
"
"a chimera? i've done some research.
it's a monster, but i won't besmirch
the chimere?that's a robe
that, all over the globe,
is worn in the anglican church.
"
"a chimney sweep cleans out your flue.
it's a job that is dirty to do,
so he's covered with soot
from his head to his foot.
it's a gig i'd refuse. wouldn't you?
"
"what is bright's disease? it's an old term,
as my medical textbooks confirm.
clouded urine, edema?
all part of this schema
of illness, not caused by a germ.
"
"you've new software you'd like to try out,
and you think it will work, but no doubt
you will run into hitches,
and one or two glitches?
hey! that's what the alpha's about!
"
"if it ends in a  ?, one surmises
that in reading the piece, the voice rises,
so we know it's a query
(at least that's the theory).
our language is full of surprises!
"
"the andesite line's scientific;
it's found all along the pacific.
the subduction zones' fault
causes diving basalt
to make felsic volcanoes prolific.
"
"please don't think that i'm losing my grip
if i write about albany slip.
no, it won't make me trip;
i'll just cut me a strip
to make stoneware that won't ever chip.
"
"all my life, i've been known as a swinger,
in traffic, reluctant to linger.
cut me off? here is my
acromelic reply?
i'm extending my left middle finger.
"
"when i think of this stuff, i'm offended:
this abioseston, suspended
in seas, so it's said.
it's organic, but dead?
and with that thought this limerick's ended.
"
"the museum was teeming inside,
so i rented an audio guide.
though i couldn't get near
them, at least i would hear
about prints?till the battery died.
"
"atomosophobia: fear
that atomic attacks will appear.
such a bombing could pretty
well wipe out a city,
a country? the planet? oh dear!
"
"from the new world the ateles come;
these monkeys called spiders ain't dumb.
they hang on?without fail?
to a branch, by their tail,
as they haven't a usable thumb.
"
"no, if cholecystitis you've got,
then a cholecystectomy's what
will allay all your pain,
so you're happy again.
pills alone to relieve it? guess not!
"
"buy champagne for your gal and it's plain
that coition you hope to attain;
but your joy she may dampen?
""not now...i've a cramp in
my thigh!"" (she'll invent a sham pain.)
"
"she's been drinking too much at the bar,
and her driving is not up to par.
her date understands,
so with two steady hands
he's bimanually driving the car.
"
"joe conservative says what he thinks,
and he doesn't use drugs, never drinks.
he is antirevolutionary
but pro-executionary?
""kill the radicals! death to the pinks!""
"
"our marketing chief seemed precocious;
his plan of attack looked ferocious.
but we cannot afford
such expenses.  good lord!
this year's adspend is truly atrocious.
"
"a centerline bisects our house;
it's divided us (me and my spouse).
all that's north of the line
he declared would be mine?
seems our liquor went south. he's a souse.
"
"sprained ankle? well, put it on ice.
does it rankle? that doesn't feel nice!
take two aspirins and call
on (to measure pain's fall)
an algesiometric device.
"
"the almohad dynasty's reign
in north africa?also in spain?
meant a lamb or a ram
would be eaten (not ham),
as mohammedan rulings made plain.
"
"""calvatia are mushrooms that puff.""
said my prof, ""they are common enough.
when they're young, they are eaten,
but their odors don't sweeten.
some smell pretty bad, and that's rough.""
"
"""what's a caliver, dad?"" asked my son.
""it's an old sixteenth-century gun,
maybe named by a dunce.
they were popular once?
after muskets came in, they were done.""
"
"all this corporate crime has me reeling,
aghast at the white-collar stealing.
i'll name my distress
when i think of this mess:
it's bewilderedness; that's what i'm  feeling.
"
"roots are edible, young, then they change,
and this change makes the bitterroot strange.
they're montana's state flower
and over them tower
great mountains: the bitterroot range.
"
"in a cancrizans canon the theme's
played both forward and backward, it seems.
up and back the notes go
in a palindrome's flow
like the music i hear in my dreams.
"
"in a bushfire, the wildlife that filled
the backcountry often is killed,
as by wind the flames spread?
what i'd rather, instead,
is the headline ""bush fired!""?i'd be thrilled.
"
"bionomics i use with apology,
as an alternate word for ecology.
it's a fancier word,
but it's not often heard
in the course that i take in zoology.
"
"""your heart-sounds are playing odd tricks;
they add whoosh to each beat, just for kicks.""
(as my doc, with a frown,
put his stethoscope down)
""your bicuspid i'm fixin' to fix!""
"
"here's a question: can anyone tell
how to break up a protein well?
maybe bromelin? no?
it's a protease?though
it's a word i'm unsure how to spell.
"
"these allomerous crystals, you dope,
all look beautiful under the 'scope,
although some compositions
may vary. my mission's:
make chemistry clearer (i hope).
"
"antibodies may turn out to be,
in one species, a problem, 'cause we
can perceive them as though
they are antigens, so
that's why you are allergic to me!
"
"when pronouncing the name, please don't bellow.
it is almelo, said soft and mellow.
you will like very much
this small city that's dutch,
if you don't try to rhyme it with cello.
"
"if you're hell-bent on knowing the answer
to questions of fate, here's your chance, sir.
for a suitable fee
i will take you to see
a remarkably wise chiromancer.
"
"my ex-husband's in town.  fancy that!
i've invited him out for a chat;
not a regular date,
but a brief t?te-?-t?te.
we'll drink coffee and just chew the fat.
"
"liking blueberries? that is expected.
and a raspberry? never rejected!
every strawberry's sweet,
and a treat, good to eat,
but a burberry keeps us protected.
"
"astronomical means ""out of sight,""
like the speed, when it travels, of light,
or the age of the earth
from the time of its birth,
or a budget that congress might write.
"
"if something's acronyc, you might
think it usually happens at night,
like when stars that are seen
in the sky (or on-screen)
make an entrance.  you're perfectly right!
"
"callorhinus is famous worldwide
for the fur that its members provide.
they are fur seals with ears.
from the greek, it appears,
comes the name, meaning ""beautiful hide.""
"
"when the grasshopper calls with a chirr,
i never know what to infer.
i am wondering: is it
a plea for a visit?
a him-insect courting a her?
"
"the chef, in addition, was chubbed
(roly-poly), and thus he was dubbed
""mr. fatso."" he said
that the chub we'd been fed
with both garlic and oil had been rubbed.
"
"tim decided to go to the gym
for some weightlifting, maybe a swim,
but he found such a crowd
that he shouted out loud,
""hey, it's chock-full: it's filled to the brim.""
"
"cried my grandfather, ""give me a break!
every night, seems it's oatmeal you make.
though i know that i'm toothless,
you needn't be ruthless.
for once, can't you fix me chopped steak?""
"
"we were wed in a modest stone chapel
neath blossoms of cherry and apple.
the bride's papa carried
a shotgun. we married.
(it's a weapon with which one can't grapple.)
"
"see it there, in the nucleus, hiding?
biding time, like a train on a siding.
it is active (although
not lined up in a row)
when the cell isn't busy dividing.
"
"try not to consider me snooty
if i state that i find little beauty
in the place that is known
as the black country zone.
it's the part of the midlands that's sooty.
"
"his mother's prediction? prophetic:
""all your exercise, hyperkinetic,
won't prevent or appease
this genetic disease!""
now he's taking an antidiabetic.
"
"the possessions of lords or a king,
in old england or scotland, would bring,
as a burgage, good rent
with the burghers' consent.
pay in cash or in service?same thing!
"
"brewing beer in my basement? i aced it!
i've gallons, and don't want to waste it.
""is it good?"" my retort:
""fill this tankard (a quart)?
if you chugalug, then you won't taste it.""
"
"once i've lost thirty pounds, then i may
buy a dress that's bright yellow and gay,
but until the day when
i can wear a size ten,
i'll wear clothes that are dark?charcoal gray.
"
"i'm rooting for bioconversion
of grain into beer.  the incursion
of einstein's equation
may help with persuasion;
come join me, in total immersion!
"
"a biotope: natural niche
where the sea-plants consort with the fyshe,
like (in darwin's old files)
the galapagos isles,
or the suburbs where dwell nouveau riche.
"
"my boss is a bastard?no doubt.
when he's angry he'll scream and he'll shout.
""you're a brash, bumptious pup,""
the bum yells, chews me up.
(at the same time, he's chewing me out.)
"
"a pusher who lived by his wits
sold his dope just for cash?took no chits,
but one day he got high.
when a floozie walked by,
he took two ious for six hits.
"
"i am hoping some day to inspire
a song by a guy i admire,
with the love in our hearts
sung in multiple parts
by a one-hundred-fifty-voice choir.
"
"""what's a chicken louse? is he the guy
who will jilt you and not explain why,
as the wording suggests?""
""no, they're parasites, pests
that will live on your fowl till they die.""
"
"the burgesses, as you may know,
ruled virginia a long time ago.
with white wigs and stiff jaws
they wrote edicts and laws?
their company wanted it so.
"
"my nephew's a terrible brat.
when he visits, he pesters the cat,
then he pulls the dogs' tails
until one of them wails;
and his mom thinks it's ""cute""?fancy that!
"
"are you hungry? well i have a hunch
that you'd relish a good chinese lunch.
i never have seen sauce
as tangy as bean sauce?
it gives chinese cooking a punch.
"
"when business fell off, i was fired.
i am young, so i can't say ""retired.""
with no cash, no enjoyment,
i'm antiunemployment?
i'm hoping i'll soon be rehired.
"
"here are flowers whose names i can link;
one is yellow, one purple-to-pink.
bird's-foot violet's  one,
bird's-foot trefoil?for fun,
tell me which is the pink, do you think.
"
"as a therapy, bioenergetics
uses knowledge of muscle kinetics
for relieving duress,
in our bodies, from stress
and at times an excess of athletics.
"
"chaparajos hang down to your feet
in a sheepskin or leathery sheet.
like your pants, they are neat,
but they seem incomplete,
as they're tailored without any seat.
"
"he molests many women, this guy.
you can catch him if only you try.
here's a line from a tape
of my brush with the ape:
""by the bye, take your hand off my thigh!""
"
"this nefarious business must stop.
they should lock up the guy at the top.
there's a chop shop in town;
stolen cars it breaks down.
guess it's time that i spoke to a cop.
"
"first the carrots are peeled, then they're rinsed.
then they're put on a board.  i'm convinced
that for soup that is good,
these root vegetables should
then be chopped (hacked to pieces, or minced).
"
"the church built by mary b. eddy
up in mass. had a growth that was steady.
folks would place their reliance
on her creed, christian science.
when they ailed, prayerful healers were ready.
"
"consider the term christian year.
it's a concept that ought to bring cheer.
life should never seem bleak;
as we live week to week,
all the saint's days and feast days appear.
"
"you've a liquid of color that you
want to measure. here's what you should do:
don't buy a barometer;
try a chromometer.
this tool can measure its hue.
"
"to view them, use chromium salts.
these chromaffin cells have no faults.
neither nasty nor venal,
they're in your adrenal.
without them, vitality halts.
"
"when i look at my silk christmas stocking,
fond memories often come knocking.
it was hung christmas eve,
and next day i'd receive
something wonderful, sexy and shocking!
"
"i was careful and dutifully slowed
when a chuckhole appeared in the road.
i avoided the pothole
(that drive-through-me-not hole),
so my truck didn't damage its load.
"
"got insomnia? visit your doc.
chronotherapy isn't a crock.
you will be in her debt
as she helps you reset
your disturbed biological clock.
"
"people call dishes china (don't you?)
'cause they once came from china, it's true.
now from t-shirts to teas,
so much stuff is chinese,
seems we wear, eat, and watch china too.
"
"from our word list, two words i am getting:
besotting, and also besetting.
one ""reason derailing,""
the other ""assailing"";
you won't mix them up, i am betting.
"
"a bomb isn't something inert;
it blows up, and then people get hurt.
if your play bombed, it stunk,
and if you're bombed, you're drunk;
but a bombe is a frozen dessert.
"
"as kids we ate oodles of bread?
""staff of life,"" as our teachers had said.
now, we're watching our carbos,
and all look like garbos
by eating green veggies instead.
"
"there once was a lady named leah
who died of acute gonorrhea.
today penicillin
defeats that old villain,
but she lived in ancient chaldaea.
"
"i just can't figure out the attraction;
it must be some chemical action.
though he's homely, i reckon
his pheromones beckon,
'cause loving him's pure satisfaction.
"
"i once had a suitor from chad
who complained that the drought there was bad.
while he wooed me with ardor,
he cleaned out my larder?
ate every last scrap that i had.
"
"my sister spends money too fast.
her paychecks just don't seem to last.
she's too broke to pay cash,
had two bank accounts crash;
now her charge accounts leave me aghast.
"
"for every transaction she'd make,
she would open her purse and she'd take
out her charge card and charge it;
her debt's grown so large it
may break her (or jar her awake).
"
"my boyfriend's a surfer.  i've hated
his surfing as long as we've dated.
not the waves on the sea?
this guy surfs on tv?
and his channel surf's purely x-rated.
"
"i am thinking of avian flu.
darwin's theory predicts, it is true,
that a germ from a bird,
through mutation...absurd!
i believe in creation.  don't you?
"
"say it chad-ar, or say it chad-or,
when you ask what the garment is for.
it covers the head,
and the rest of it's spread
round the body and down to the floor.
"
"the blackpoll's the kind of a bird
in which males, when they're mating, i've heard,
wear a tiny black cap,
so a mate they can trap.
by the female, this hue is preferred.
"
"if there's something you're angry about,
and you're fit to be tied, or to shout
that you're outraged and hate me,
you loudly berate me.
you chastise; you're bawling me out.
"
"spoken languages never are static.
the process of change? automatic?
a fact you can't banish
in english or spanish
or african tongues such as chadic.
"
"my grandma is planning, i fear,
to check out coney island's new pier,
and i'm sure she will bring
me some cheap, tawdry thing,
as she buys me ten chachkas a year.
"
"it is right to feel fear as one nears
the school where they train bombardiers.
one might hear a loud plop
from the bombs that they drop
after drinking a couple of beers.
"
"here's my building site. try not to spoil it.
when your workmen have needs, they might soil it.
it would truly be crass
if they peed in the grass,
so i've bought them a chemical toilet.
"
"this journal's her autobiography.
though it's written with perfect chirography?
every word penned with grace?
still its contents are base,
and to me it seems utter pornography.
"
"when we visit in old vera cruz,
my amigos and i like to schmooze.
i serve each of this throng a
deep-fried chimichanga,
and with the burritos, some booze.
"
"my friend drew has a wife who is shrewish.
when she nags him, he often feels bluish.
christian charity's force
keeps them married, of course,
though his wife, so he tells me, is jewish.
"
"my chum chet likes to chat.  he's a chatter.
he fell silent. i asked, ""what's the matter?""
chet replied, ""i've a chill.
my teeth chatter; i'm ill.""
so i served him a pill on a platter.
"
"my husband loves cream cheese with chives.
it's a diet on which the man thrives.
though these herbs are a treat,
they're a food i can't eat.
i'm allergic; they give me the hives.
"
"the anadromous fish, swimming free,
live out most of their lives in the sea.
but this gives me the shivers:
they swim up the rivers
when sex beckons he-fish and she-.
"
"to avoid any troublesome shocks
skip big uglies (unpopular stocks).
if they're pushed by your broker,
he must be a joker;
they sell like a bushel of rocks.
"
"i'm botanically challenged, it's true,
as i can't tell a rose from a rue.
and i'm color-blind?yes,
that contributes, i guess?
as i can't tell a pink from a blue.
"
"chryso-'s a prefix, i'm told,
that derives from the greek, meaning ""gold,""
so chrysology means
""wealth science""?the scene's
economics.  i've got that down cold.
"
"if you've more than one chrysalis, what
should you tell all your pals you have got?
chrysalides? right!
also chrysalises might
be on target, but chrysalis's?  not!
"
"alexander the great had no fear.
he was dauntless when danger was near.
he conquered the persians;
his hoplite diversions
killed many a charioteer.
"
"a schoolboy i know very well
brought his sister to school?show and tell.
as she took off her clothes
to prepare for her pose,
class was done.  she was saved by the bell.
"
"if there's trouble in his cholecystis
(that's his gall bladder, honey), the gist is:
if you're close and you hug him,
the pain's sure to bug him.
such a fellow infrequently kissed is.
"
"many zoos that are small are giraffeless;
when comedians bomb, they are laughless;
and when something's pure gold,
without fault, i am told,
one can say that the paragon's chaffless.
"
"i agreed to the date, but i fear
that my suitor's no young cavalier.
he's a guy on a camel
(a smelly, humped mammal),
and driving the thing's his career!
"
"what are cervices?  lexical checks
say: the plural of cervix, or ""necks"";
but i'm somewhat confused,
as the word's mostly used
for the womb of the feminine sex.
"
"chicken little was hit on the head.
then she panicked, and rumors she spread
that the heavens were falling.
it's her i'm recalling
when experts say liberty's dead.
"
"a christophany: did it befall
a traveller, then known as saul,
on the road to damascus?
we'll reply, since you ask us.
it happened, it's said, to saint paul.
"
"said an ardent ecologist, eric,
""it's earthy and not esoteric:
pollution? let's ban it.
we all share one planet.
our outlook should be biospheric!""
"
"on my ballot is printed, in red,
the name of a man who is dead,
but i feel i must choose
and i just can't refuse,
so i'll vote for the live one instead.
"
"my great-uncle tony was prone
to use insults i cannot condone:
""you're a carabid?low
as a varmint can go.
you're a creature found under a stone!""
"
"at denise's, a beverage shop,
i find cokes with no prices on top,
so i yell, ""hey, denise,
are these one buck apiece?""
and she hollers, ""five dollars a pop.""
"
"you've asparagus lettuce; good grief!
my remarks on these greens will be brief.
what's unique about them?
we eat only the stem
in our salads, and never the leaf!
"
"once cadent meant falling, like tears.
now the language has changed, switching gears;
and the word now describes
something giving out vibes
with a rhythm one readily hears.
"
"i am bothered by dreams of my ex.
in my nightmares, he looks like t. rex.
first he shows me his teeth,
then those parts down beneath;
then he asks if i want to have sex.
"
"a pinheaded druggist named rick
uses cephalothin when he's sick.
but sadly his lung is
infected with fungus?
this drug simply won't do the trick.
"
"the conductor declared, ""i will funnel
this crowd toward the train for the chunnel.
there's an excellent chance
they will wind up in france,
since we don't plan to stop in the tunnel.""
"
"cedar waxwing: this bird is a beaut.
brilliant colors have brought him repute.
though he sometimes eats bugs
and occasional slugs,
seems his favorite diet is fruit.
"
"a chipmunk is little and furry,
and always, it seems, in a hurry.
i guess he's the prey
other creatures waylay.
is he tasty in pastry or curry?
"
"as he writes on the chalkboard, the geek
with his chalk makes a bloodcurdling squeak.
his performance? disaster,
as, faster and faster,
folks run from the room crying ""eek!""
"
"""alpha-amylase?"" adelaide yells,
""heck, that word doesn't ring any bells!""
""food-based starches it takes;
diverse sugars it makes.
it's an enzyme from pancreas cells.""
"
"they were wed in a church, and they gave
sacred promises.  then down the nave
past the flowers they strolled.
friends in whispers foretold
she'd be less like a wife than a slave.
"
"our bodies have cyclical features;
i learned this in school from my teachers.
biorhythms dictate
when we eat, when we mate?
are we purely mechanical creatures?
"
"auteurism doesn't concern
a trip to vienna or berne,
but a dominant vector?
a movie's director?
that determines the praise his films earn.
"
"""he...bogeyed,"" they wrote; how bizarre!
one might think that his eyes were, or are,
soft and damp like a bog,
and he looks like a frog,
but it means he shot one over par.
"
"it's a callathump! hear the loud clang?
hear the shouts as the pots and pans bang?
see the new groom and bride
side by side, full of pride?
""let us sleep! go away!"" they harangue.
"
"so el toro's completely controlled,
the matador's capework is bold.
with each twist and each pull,
it outwits the fierce bull;
what a caper! a sight to behold.
"
"once they'd speak of a shrew, i am told,
in the wonderfully quaint days of old,
as a hag or old bag;
when a woman would nag:
""she's a chidester; the woman's a scold.""
"
"on the roof of each house and each shop,
from my window i notice a crop
of chimneypots, there
sticking up in the air.
they're the clay pipes in chimneys?on top.
"
"there's a butterfly, fixin' to dip
her proboscis, to go for a sip
of a calceolaria,
while smiling with nary a
concern for its great pouting lip.
"
"the country boy went to a farm school?
a make-them-work-do-them-no-harm school?
but under such banners
they didn't teach manners,
so now he must go to a charm school.
"
"chaeronea, a city in greece,
has for most of its life lived in peace,
but it twice was the site
of a terrible fight.
chaeroneans all prayed war would cease.
"
"bulimics have cravings; they're surging.
""eat a lot!"" (what their cravings are urging.)
""do it now; gain release!
so you won't be obese,
just make sure you're both bingeing and purging!""
"
"""well, his eyes appear bleary and bleezy,""
said the intern, whose manner was breezy.
""i've examined this scot.
he's had scotch?quite a lot;
the correct diagnosis is easy!""
"
"fluid flows down your gullet: the basis
of esophagal homeostasis?
but if sphincters are squeezed
then go limp, you're not pleased,
and you suffer a sudden chalasis.
"
"yes it's true! i'm in love with a chimp.
next to him, any man appears limp.
he is strong and he's clever?
no faults whatsoever?
not a pimp; not a simp; not a wimp.
"
"the laundress delivered this speech:
""if you wonder about chlorine bleach,
then chlorometry will
test its power. you'll thrill
to how much of your wash it will reach!""
"
"in my youth it was very clear-cut:
i stayed slim and was flat in the gut.
now i'm older, it's hairy,
'cause when i eat dairy
the butterfat ends in my butt.
"
"all my photos are facing abortion
due to chromatism (color distortion)
in the lens that i use.
it's affecting the hues,
though the subject's in perfect proportion.
"
"after fishing the mighty pacific,
where gargantuan fish are prolific,
take your blue marlin prize;
have it stuffed. its great size
is impressive?a trophy terrific.
"
"stephen christmas was brought to his knees
by an illness that's bound to displease.
docs found b hemophilia,
and said, ""it can kill ya!""
and for him called it christmas disease.
"
"does his studying seem psychopathic?
does he toil over fish stenobathic?
is he learning burmese?
no, he's earning degrees
in what's useful (the stuff's chrestomathic).
"
"you feel sick? is it something you've eaten?
moving bowels with frequent repeatin'?
if it's typhoid you've got,
this old drug hits the spot?
i am speaking of chloromycetin.
"
"though for years i have not had a drink,
there's a chink in my armor, i think.
since i went on the wagon,
my love life's been draggin'.
between drinking and sex there's a link.
"
"chocolate syrup in milk makes it sweet,
and my kids think this drink is a treat,
but i'm worrying that
it will make them grow fat,
so i use no-cal syrup; i cheat.
"
"there was calorie-rich chocolate sauce
on my ice cream?a shiny brown gloss,
but my mom grabbed the cup
and said (eating it up),
""don't be cross, dear.  my gain is your loss.""
"
"a doctor named keys said, ""with ease,
my new salve will cure all skin disease!""
but his advertised ointment
caused great disappointment.
the bringdown brought keys to his knees.
"
"if you study the works of one writer,
for exams, it may make your work lighter:
the chrestomathy (sections
of a writer's collections)
can help, if you pull an all-nighter.
"
"a caccabus, experts conclude,
wasn't screwed, wasn't pegged, wasn't glued.
it was kind of a keg
that was shaped like an egg,
in which romans and greeks cooked their food.
"
"i hope you're not being judgmental.
that by-blow was quite accidental
when i hit. i'm no dastard.
i'll admit i'm a bastard
(a by-blow with vagueness, parental).
"
"here's a letter from old uncle phil.
he's a charlatan, run-of-the-mill.
he's a fraud and a phony;
his claims are baloney.
he's fake as a three-dollar bill.
"
"ms jong wrote a book, fear of flying,
which was not what that title's implying,
for she didn't say, ""go be an
aviophobian
opus that nobody's buying.""
"
"""here's the homework assigned to you, billy: add
to your reading, the book homer's iliad.""
billy looked at the text
and was truly perplexed.
what's the number of pages? a chiliad!
"
"do you think there is anything queer
in how polly is packing her gear?
she is heading for mali
and taking her collie,
and a ten-candle glass chandelier.
"
"he entered his poems as ""lyric,""
but won prizes for ""poems, satiric.""
this odd, contradictory
result made his victory
cadmean?in other words, pyrrhic.
"
"in turkey, if you're on a trip,
and you're weary (an energy dip),
you'll be lucky to stumble in
to a modest and humble inn:
a cafeneh. stop for a sip!
"
"my chum chuckie's a bit of a churl.
when he's angry, wild insults he'll hurl.
says my mom, ""look at chuck.
if he acts like a schmuck,
he will never end up with a girl.""
"
"it smells nice, with an odor like fruit.
it's the oil that's from calamus root?
that's the plant called sweet flag.
does its name make you gag?
it is carcinogenic to boot!
"
"it is part of our modern technology,
a reagent in bacteriology.
cellobiose is neat,
and might taste kind of sweet?
ask a termite's digestive biology.
"
"it's not used in constructing the keel
of a ship, or an automobile.
in such usage it fizzles;
we use it for chisels?
the metal that's called chisel steel.
"
"my real feelings i cannot conceal:
the invention of chrome-nickel steel,
good for watch-springs, was neat.
it's resistant to heat.
what a feat! it's a very big deal!
"
"brush clover grows under my eaves,
with its menacing triplicate leaves.
though it won't make them hivey
(it's not poison ivy),
mom plants it to scare away thieves.
"
"back when i was a child, long ago,
i could never go out in the snow.
""you're too young and too small,""
said my mom, ""you might fall
and be buried. the answer is no!""
"
"now i've reached my adulthood, and so,
all grown up, i can romp in the snow,
making snowballs and forts,
playing games of all sorts?
but my mom still objects when i go.
"
"though my friend says its flavor is pallid,
i know that my recipe's valid.
i use only fresh greens;
i don't know what she means?
how else can you make a chef's salad?
"
"a chibbal's a lot like a chive.
it's an herb with a taste that's alive.
it can help any dish,
whether salad or fish;
for the bland, it adds dandy new drive.
"
"these trousers may save you and me.
breeches buoys may turn out to be
not an odd pair of pants
but a major advance
that is useful in rescues at sea.
"
"if you're troubled and having a beef
with the parish, and want some relief,
kindly keep it in mind
that you're likely to find
in that bumbledom, nothing but grief.
"
"the bushmaster: species of snake
that it's best not to jiggle or shake.
to molest them's a bungle?
if you meet in a jungle?
to disturb them would be a mistake.
"
"calopogon: this orchid is cheered,
though its name to my ear's a bit weird.
it sounds odd when i speak it;
derived from the greek, it
appears to mean ""beautiful beard.""
"
"""as i pulled on my clothes,"" said louise,
""chuck put snow in my shoe?what a tease!
filled my left chukka boot;
when i screamed, he was cute;
said, 'at least you won't freeze to your knees!' ""
"
"i expected the duke to be mild,
but instead he was sexy and wild.
on our very first date
he convinced me to mate,
and today i found out i'm with childe.
"
"though their talent may seem to be meager,
some presidents' sons may be eager
to be presidents too.
does it seem to be true
that the son may be just a bush leaguer?
"
"i know you like food that is crunchy,
but don't come to bed with that munchy!
you always leave crumbs
on the sheet, which becomes
awfully sticky, thus clustered or bunchy.
"
"i invested in 8-tracks, way back,
and l.p.s? i bought many a stack.
now i'm told, ""buy c.d.s?
all the other kinds? geez!
they went out with the buttonhook, jack!""
"
"business cycles may last a few years.
with the downturns come losses and tears.
one would think, during ups
we'd be glad, in our cups,
but recession to come brings us fears.
"
"to the skull, hamlet cried out, ""poor yorick!""
his words had a portent historic.
had the skull been turned green
due to compounds unseen?
by those chemicals called chromophoric?
"
"wearing armor will make you feel bolder
using fighting techniques that are older.
good in many respects,
the arm harness protects
your whole limb, starting up at the shoulder.
"
"though they didn't have cars that need parking,
they had dogs who annoyed them by barking.
back in days long gone by,
here's the word they'd apply
to describe something bothersome: carking.
"
"its long, spiky leaves are not wavy,
and it's useless in stews or with gravy.
the century plant
blooms but once, so it can't
bloom again. it's the genus agave.
"
"this substance smells something like gin; it
is colored, you'll see in a minute.
my chem class will take up
this chemical's makeup,
and find there's a chromophore in it.
"
"chromhidrosis will make you upset,
and your poise will desert you, i'll bet,
to its final scintilla,
when from your axilla
comes red-, black-, or blue-colored sweat.
"
"he examined her website with scorn.
he was torn?it seemed so much like porn,
yet the girl seemed so nice,
so he gave her advice:
an admonitory message, to warn.
"
"use my grandmother's famed chicken stock
for the best chicken soup on the block.
on the stovetop, her pot
sits all day staying hot
for eight hours or more, by the clock.
"
"come to dinner this evening and you
will taste grandmother's famed chicken stew,
always made with a cock,
using great chicken stock?
you'll find heaven on earth if you do.
"
"""what's a chicken run, mom?"" asked my son.
""it's the yard where our chickens can run,
and that pen on our grange
means we call them free range,
and the price rises?that's how it's done!""
"
"this verse i submit as a ballad
in praise of my favorite salad.
this dish, made of chicken,
can make my pulse quicken.
just try some; you'll see my point's valid.
"
"when the chickenpox hit my son lars,
""please don't scratch them,"" i said. ""you'll get scars!""
but he had a bad case
and the skin of his face
became pocked, like a sky full of stars.
"
"if cupid has sent off a dart
toward your torso (the amorous part),
so your pulse rate grows quick
and you think that you're sick?
beta-blocking drugs slow down your heart.
"
"i called my son ""angel-face"" when,
as a boy of about nine or ten,
he appeared so cherubic.
now he's acned and pubic;
i won't use that nickname again.
"
"consider the freshwater eel.
though she lives in fresh water, she'll feel
she must follow the male line
to water that's saline?
catadromous fish mate with zeal!
"
"when he entered the bank he looked tough.
both his voice and his manner were gruff,
but the gun in his hand
bore a tag?""hasbro brand
squirting pistol""?i called the guy's bluff.
"
"visit india? there, i have read,
you'll be fed a delectable spread.
going native? you might
want to sleep for a night
on a charpoy (punjabi rope bed).
"
"the shirt i bought junior was armless.
he complained he looked dorky and harmless,
till the gals came to hound him,
and clustered around him.
he said, ""thanks, mom, i've found it's not charmless.""
"
"don't abuse me, and never accuse
me of stealing this dress of charmeuse
(this fine silk with a shine).
the design is all mine;
and it perfectly matches my shoes!
"
"i really had no indication
she'd accuse me of trust violation
when i leaked to the press
that her breast, more or less,
was a chromosome-based aberration.
"
"the college, i hear, is recruitin'
a prof for its course in computin'.
jack could teach it with ease,
but i'm worried that he's
too altisonous (too highfalutin).
"
"it's one of those obvious facts:
any bracteose plant has got bracts,
like the beautiful red
plants at christmas?it's said
that the bract, not the petal, attracts.
"
"on the hill where the meadow falls steeply,
i lost track of my flock, miss-bo-peep-ly.
i'd replace them, but i'm
short of cash at this time.
tell me, where can i purchase sheep cheaply?
"
"we know robins have breasts that are red,
and are brown on the back and the head,
but some robins, it's true,
on their breasts display blue,
so we call them blue robins instead.
"
"i've a heavy wool fabric in which
sewing edges requires a small switch;
so to finish these jackets,
for hemlines and plackets
i'm using a blanket-type stitch.
"
"so you ask, ""what on earth's chocolate liquor?
is it good in martinis?""  i snicker.
""not a drink sweet to taste,
it's roast cocoa bean paste;
worse than gin?it would make you sick quicker.""
"
"i agreed, as a final resort,
i'd appear for my buddy in court
as a character witness,
to speak of his fitness
to take on his children's support.
"
"you like boating, but aren't a sailor?
try the motorized skiff?boston whaler.
it's a nice little boat
that stays mostly afloat.
just in case, keep a pail for a bailer.
"
"on the third day, the guide pushed us hard.
he seemed less of a guide than a guard.
and the food was incredible;
it was burned till inedible.
it was leathery, blackened and charred.
"
"i once had a girlfriend named anna,
born in mexico, thus a chicana.
she adored lemon jell-o
and everything yellow?
her bandanna looked like a banana.
"
"you're a butterflyer?  really?  i'll bet
you look cute with your jars and your net.
chasing bugs, all aflutter,
for your bread and your butter?
you're a swimmer?  well, that's better yet!
"
"when i'm home from my job i repair
to my beautiful butterfly chair,
where i rest in its sling,
and i don't do a thing.
call me lazy? a slug? i don't care!
"
"though it's not 'cause the method's high tech,
when i'm filling out forms, i'm a wreck.
a hermaphrodite, i'm
mixed up most of the time,
when the check box says sex?what to check?
"
"a japanese fellow from chiba
got a pet, and he named it bathsheba;
but soon his pet split
and he realized it
was no longer a single amoeba.
"
"met a handsome young guy and i find
that i can't get him out of my mind.
though i'm longing to pet him,
i'd rather forget him.
i'm stuck; i feel trapped, in a bind!
"
"it is small for a bird or a beast,
so on insects it's able to feast.
seems chebec is the word
for this tiny brown bird;
of the flycatchers, this one's the least.
"
"adobe flat: gently sloped plain
made of clay spread that way by the rain.
when it's dry it will get
smooth and hard, and i'll bet
some remain from the drained rain in spain.
"
"""chromoprotein: this word's clear as mud,""
i complained to my classmate, joe judd.
""what could ever be duller?""
""it's a protein with color,
like the red in the cells of your blood.""
"
"born with gills, and all covered with mucus,
some amphibian babies may spook us,
as they also breathe air
with their lungs (they've a pair);
but these gills are soon shed. they're caducous.
"
"the trail in this tale led to dale
when his christmas card came in the mail.
merry christmas? guess not,
since his card contained pot.
sending drugs through the mail? dale's in jail.
"
"our manager quit with a frown.
now we're looking all over the town
for a new guy who's, yup,
quite reserved, buttoned-up,
and conservative, too (buttoned-down).
"
"to a lady i met on the beach,
i said, ""please don't object if i preach,
but the outfit you're wearing
has everyone staring?
wear this muumuu on top, i beseech!""
"
"in the office it's asap, and at
many ers, you'll hear them say ""stat!""
when they mean ""hurry, quick!""
but my grandfather's trick
was to holler, ""chop-chop, little brat!""
"
"think of chrysops, a genus of flies
that will bite you and leave a surprise.
tularemia? maybe.
in africa, baby,
the eye worm may lodge in your eyes.
"
"four chadwicks were known to excel:
there was florence, who swam very well,
there was henry, of sports,
george (composer of sorts),
and sir james, who received a nobel.
"
"they asked mary, but mary was scared,
said she'd love to, if only she dared.
we encouraged her till
she declared, ""yes i will!""
then the pta meeting she chaired.
"
"my invention's great chemoprevention,
and i'm certain as soon as i mention
my synthetic green cheese
that prevents all disease,
it will surely attract your attention.
"
"she feared he would sprint from her, since her
right hand was a cheliform pincer.
but the prince, as she saw,
didn't wince or withdraw,
but took hold of her claw, to convince her.
"
"an odd sort of fellow named deaver
is madly in love with a beaver.
she's the girl of his dreams;
though she dams up his streams
and she gnaws all his trees, he won't leave 'er.
"
"here are sheila b.'s dieting tips:
there are cookies with chocolate chips
you must learn to avoid,
which may leave you annoyed,
but you won't have gargantuan hips.
"
"both political and economic
is the arab league group of islamic
nations hoping for peace;
let us hope they decrease
worldwide danger of weapons atomic.
"
"first there's briefness, and then there is brevity.
now, which will have greater longevity?
it's the latter, i guess,
as it's two letters less.
language lessons i leaven with levity.
"
"a chafferer goes out to shop,
and he bargains and haggles nonstop.
when he gets something cheap,
he'll rejoice in a leap,
and a skip, and a jump, and a hop.
"
"what is chin music? there's a debate:
does it signify ""babble,"" or ""prate,""
or refer to a pitch?
close and dangerous?which
scares the batter, who jumps from the plate?
"
"though to me they're a pain in the ass,
some folks think these new sweepers have class?
modern brooms made of plastic!
what i think is fantastic
is broomcorn, the broom-making grass.
"
"acestes, a man who'll inspire,
shot an arrow so fast it caught fire,
so that when you orate,
what you forcefully state
is acestes's arrow. admire!
"
"playing baseball, don't bobble the ball;
those errors make team ratings fall.
did you hear what i said?
don't just bobble your head.
sheesh! i don't understand you at all.
"
"why would anyone sane volunteer
to bring up (that's to raise or to rear)
a six-week-old lion?
would that cat, without tryin',
one day make your rear disappear?
"
"branching tubes started back of your tongue,
and were pliable when you were young,
then your bronchi proceeded
to the bronchioles needed
so air could come into each lung.
"
"two words i'll compare in this ballad:
first chickaree, word that is valid
to name a red squirrel,
but not in referral
to chicory, used in your salad.
"
"the coiffure he so boyishly styled
was a look that drove womenfolk wild.
this impression would vanish,
for his come-on was mannish.
their reaction? the women just smiled.
"
"girls are bouncy if pert (full of beans),
from their toddlerhood up through their teens.
if they look good in tights,
they will cheerlead like sprites,
and on prom nights, they're chosen as queens.
"
"in our poli sci classroom, our mentor
asked us each our political bent.  her
poll questioned our views
on the gop?choose
one: __assentor, __dissentor, or __center.
"
"in greek, it's the word for a swallow;
in english, it's harder to follow.
by chelidon's meant:
when your elbow is bent,
there's a dent that's a bird-tail-shaped hollow.
"
"a rogue with a brush cut will court 'er
(my daughter), so thus i exort 'er:
""he seems debonair,
but just look at his hair:
it's a mohawk, just cut a bit shorter!""
"
"when the surgeon incises your belly,
he finds organs that shimmer like jelly.
his trusty abdominal
pad?it's phenomenal?
keeps them intact and not smelly.
"
"so much work that i'm all in a tizzy,
my employment is making me dizzy!
want to play what's my line?""
ok! try to guess mine.
run a switchboard? that's right; my line's busy.
"
"ask the doctors in famed academia
to explain why you've got alkalemia.
blood ph is too high.
they'll explain to you why:
it is caused by a basic anemia.
"
"a celibate novice declared,
""for this life i do not feel prepared.
though i pray night and day,
lust just won't go away.
i would share my despair, but i'm scared!""
"
"i applied for the job and with ease
passed the interview?found it a breeze!
they said, ""write a report
of an orotund sort,
in impeccable bureaucratese.""
"
"breaking into the house as we slept
he was clumsy and loud as he crept?
hit his head on our bed.
when we wakened, he fled.
guess his burgling was bungling (inept).
"
"adelges: the name of a genus
not known for its neatness or cleanness,
as these plant lice, i guess,
drinking sap, make a mess,
while consuming plant liquids with keenness.
"
"the bullring is where the torero
goes to prove he is not a vaquero.
he is brave, taunts the toro,
a swordsman like zorro,
and never will wear a sombrero.
"
"brick ovens are quaint, and they're red,
and for baking they're tops, it is said.
lacking one of your own,
use a flat baking stone
to make excellent pizza and bread.
"
"the brachiocephalic, it's claimed,
when it leaves the aorta is aimed
at the arm and the head.
never let it be said
the innominate hasn't been named!
"
"he was brassbound (so brash, quite a pest)
when he said i was brassbound, in jest
(meaning ""rigid,"" or ""wed
to the past""). i had said
i love grandfather's brassbound old chest.
"
"sex relations should all be consentatory.
my feelings are truly repentatory,
but i had no intent
to use force. i just meant
to be binding, uniting?cementatory.
"
"in new york the word means ""chimney swift,""
but in manchester?no. get my drift?
to define chimney swallow,
which lead should i follow?
say: ""barn swallow?"" uncle sam's miffed!
"
"let's review what in life's sure, or certain.
if you go to a dance and are flirtin',
the guy who'll respond
may come on like james bond?
but in looks? nowhere near richard burton.
"
"as the iliad spoke to the greeks,
adi granth is a scripture that speaks
at great depth to the chief
overwhelming belief
of adherents who call themselves sikhs.
"
"i'd like to develop the knack
to harvest and sell carbon black,
as i live with my aunt
near a coal-powered plant,
and the soot layers bury our shack.
"
"the carlists for years were disturbin'
the spaniards, both rural and urban.
their tactics were risky;
they didn't want whiskey?
they wanted to bring back the bourbon.
"
"brown alga's a plant from the sea.
once you've seen some, i'm sure you'll agree.
an example may help:
think of rockweed or kelp.
what? you're not an m.a., ph.d.?
"
"on the subject of bugs please enlighten us.
is it true that some beetles have chitinous
shields protecting their wings?
i have heard that such things
may be menacing, tending to frighten us.
"
"the practice of blending pure metals
to make airplanes, or cruise ships, or kettles
is known as alloyage.
one can't take a voyage
sans alloys?the concept unsettles.
"
"to  bring off is to reach a conclusion,
in real life, be it truth or illusion.
it's to do or achieve
what the folks will believe,
in a way that won't bring on confusion.
"
"my broodmare demands a divorce;
she is loud and insists with great force.
she alleges her stallion
is quite a rapscallion?
i'm referring, of course, to my horse.
"
"the buddhism now known as zen
was called ch'an back in china, and then
found its way to japan
where its followers can
find satori, its glory. amen.
"
"boosterism gives me a pain.
it is arrogant, boastful and vain.
it says, ""we are the best,
and to hell with the rest!""
one town's loss is another town's gain.
"
"there's a new slalom champion. he's
making zigs, and then zags?perfect zs.
faultless form, very fast,
he is first, never last?
unless he's forgotten his skis.
"
"my chum clyde is a first-rate provider,
but feels like an alien outsider.
his piercing chelicerae
cause all his misery?
clyde has the fangs of a spider.
"
"the chilopod fills me with fright.
i'm afraid of its poisonous bite.
the time i most dread?
when i get into bed,
as the chilopod's active at night.
"
"""what's a crib sheet?"" i ask my pal pam,
""is it linen for babies? i am
gonna shop for a neat sheet.""
she says, ""it's a cheat sheet,
used to cheat when you take an exam.""
"
"it is more than the birds and the bees,
or the soil and the crop-growing, these
guys protect from all harming?
in addition to farming,
agroforesters care about trees.
"
"all creatures, whatever their race is,
in distinct geographical spaces
(young or quite geriatric),
are called allopatric
when living in far-distant places.
"
"all your projects are dreamlike, chimerical.
just to think of them makes me hysterical.
they're 	illusory,  mystic;
they're unrealistic.
i'm numerical, businesslike, clerical.
"
"for my youngest son's birthday i bought
a new video game, and it ought
to be easy to play,
but it blows me away.
no, it isn't the child's play i thought.
"
"the democrats should be the folk
who are liberals.  i could just choke?
and i won't give a dollar
to help the brass-collar-
style democrats; they're just a joke.
"
"there are special words (none is prosaic)
for cholera-like: choleraic,
and choleriform;
you ask which is the norm?
maybe choleroid? is that archaic?
"
"this mineral, treated, yields lime.
what's the term we should use? seems that i'm
for the word calcariferous,
while you say calciferous.
thank goodness the two versions rhyme!
"
"through the celiac artery flows
lots of healthy red blood, and it goes
to the stomach and liver,
a life-giving river.
ain't you happy you've got one of those?
"
"in session (or that's my impression),
the senate employed its discretion
to annex the southwest?
their obsession, or quest,
later known as the mexican cession.
"
"herman sang as he strummed a guitar,
""lord, i'm stuck with this awful cafard!""
so i said to him, ""herman,
why sing about vermin?
sing blues?that's what made you a star!""
"
"from naples, campania, they came.
they were criminals; crime was their game.
like the mafia hoods,
they stole money and goods?
camorristas, to call them by name.
"
"ben trovato: italianate phrase
that is not much employed nowadays,
meaning something's invented;
the truth has been dented.
i use it to damn with faint praise.
"
"abasia trepidans makes
you immobile with terrible shakes.
you can not walk at all;
if you try, you may fall.
with this illness, you get all the breaks.
"
"the dynasty we would call chin:
in what century did it begin?
in the tenth, it may be,
or the third bce.
is that jin, qin, or tsin, or its kin?
"
"though i beg you to give me a hand,
your response seems unhelpful and bland.
your apathy can
make you less of a man,
neither caring, nor taking a stand.
"
"the last pastor we had was a mystic.
our new one seems quite calvinistic?
says the route to salvation
is predestination.
i ask you, is that realistic?
"
"mother nature, i wish you'd rescind
this chamsin?it's a god-awful wind
coming off the sahara.
it dries my mascara
and leaves me all parched and chagrined.
"
"from a distance this letter was sent.
lots of time with the atlas i spent,
till i found, with a grin,
where it came from?it's in
kazakhstan. it's a town called chimkent.
"
"when you chivy, you nag or annoy.
it's a tactic you often employ.
you're a devil; you're sent
straight from hell to torment?
an experience few will enjoy.
"
"i've a little red bird in a cage;
to buy it cost half a week's wage.
so i won't let my cat
catch the avadavat?
a bird that will soon be the rage.
"
"at twilight the sun slowly fades.
that's the time when she pulls down her shades
and retires, in the gloom,
with some boys to her room,
for a dignified game of charades.
"
"i'm in love with a guy, and i'm frantic.
he has journeyed across the atlantic.
will he ever come back?
lest my sanity crack,
i'll consult with a quack chiromantic.
"
"the prof in our class will harass
with exams about laws about gas.
put the volume (that's v)
over temperature (t)
as a constant; i'm sure that you'll pass.
"
"anura: these creatures i hail.
they can breathe in the air without fail,
and when young, using gills
is one of their skills?
amphibians minus a tail.
"
"my blind date? mom advised me, ""she's fair?
but no body."" it gave me a scare;
so i waited with dread
for a bodiless head.
seems that mom was describing her hair!
"
"i've been offered a nice honorarium
to grow, in my big new aquarium,
cabomba, a green
plant called fanwort, and seen
cut and dried in the nearest herbarium.
"
"the cloth of the robe is pure white.
a symbol of innocence? quite!
this chrisom is worn
when a person's reborn?
during baptism's holiest rite.
"
"my chrysoberyl ring?how it shone!
what a rare and a beautiful stone
my guy chris gave to me.
then we parted and he
took it back.  now my treasure has flown.
"
"it's not hard to be lovesick and mushy
on a sofa that's lush, and so plushy,
but it's hard to embrace
when the burrs scratch your face?
have your tryst in a place that's not brushy.
"
"whether served to them in a carafe,
in a cup, or a mug, seems that half
of the people i see
end up ordering de-
while the others are ordering caf.
"
"the new hot rod my husband brought home
made me shake, made my mouth start to foam,
since to me, it looked shoddy?
the bumpers and body
entirely plated with chrome.
"
"a foolhardy nimrod named deaver
ventured out in the cold to hunt beaver.
though he made several kills,
he came home with the chills.
said his mom, ""you will soon run a fever.""
"
"doing biopsies during arthroscopy?
or cystoscopy? maybe gastroscopy?
in celloidin, the tissue
is steeped in a dish; you
can slice it real thin for microscopy.
"
"with my thesis i'm now in a bind.
my prof hates it and won't change his mind.
his cecutiency in
this affair brings chagrin,
as he acts like he's partially blind.
"
"the cardiac surgeon was curt.
""you are not gonna die or be hurt.
on the x-ray, this 'mass'
is a quarter, you ass,
in your pocket?the one on your shirt.""
"
"in botanical study, one learns
there are plants that one treasures or spurns;
but i love microscopical
study of tropical
actiniopteris ferns.
"
"just to see acrocomia calms;
for our spirits, it's one of those balms.
though they're graceful and tall,
they give no shade at all?
south american feathery palms.
"
"the advice of my lawyer i heeded:
to incorporate, articles needed
include, for a starter,
a corporate charter.
he wrote one, and now i've succeeded.
"
"he's a man of untarnished repute.
his advantage just seems absolute;
and his motto's a keeper?
make better, sell cheaper.
my hopes to prevail now seem moot.
"
"my employer is fuming at me.
he wanted to deal b2b
with competitors?nice!
they would jack up the price!
so i broadcast the news c2c.
"
"at the airport i started to scuffle
with the guy who inspected my duffel
when he opened the pack
that i brought for a snack,
and he swallowed my mom's chocolate truffle.
"
"the absolute scale, we can see,
starts at absolute zero; so we
may consider it pleasing
that water starts freezing
at a temp of 273!
"
"my catering won't make you sick.
i use yogurt to make my sauce thick.
i can cook for jack sprat,
since i use little fat
'cause my skillets are all antistick.
"
"in spain, after eating your fill,
if you leave without paying your bill,
the host may object,
and your path intersect
with a constable called alguazil.
"
"the gastropod lives where it's wet,
and i wouldn't eat one on a bet.
i would first need a valium.
some haven't a pallium?
achlamydate?those are worse yet!
"
"your amoralism gives me a pain.
you have made it abundantly plain
that you find contradictions
in moral convictions,
regarding them all with disdain.
"
"all his daughters want haircuts and perms,
but he thinks of the prices, and squirms.
so i say to him, ""john,
go to hector's salon,
make an offer and bring him to terms!""
"
"the great chibcha, today, are no more,
though they once worked with gold and made war.
they were active in trade,
to a sun god they prayed,
and their culture we shouldn't ignore.
"
"actinopterygian refers
to the ray fin, which often occurs
among fish of the earth.
they're of measureless worth,
as is patent to entrepreneurs.
"
"if you plan to have smallpox, then please
opt for alastrim as your disease.
its virus is finer
(variola, but minor);
you'll recover with relative ease.
"
"i haven't yet gained the aroma
of competence, nor my diploma,
but this bottle of drops?
i am certain it stops
all the symptoms i have of glaucoma.
"
"each morning will start with ""bonjour!""
when you journey through france on a tour.
a suggestion from us:
if you travel by bus,
try a charabanc?comfort for sure.
"
"the chef who had served us that dish
that i wouldn't describe as  delish,
has a plump and short face?
'tween his eyes, quite a space.
he is chub-faced, and looks like a fish.
"
"in this joining-with-others reaction
do atoms find real satisfaction?
i suspect it's (in dating)
the impulse toward mating
that's truly a chemical attraction.
"
"the sight of a whip or a cane
scares my friend till he seems quite insane.
he takes care not to fall,
or collide with a wall?
algophobic, he's fearful of pain.
"
"allelopathic plants, while they're alive'll
use poison to help their survival.
by causing duress,
all their toxins suppress
any plant they consider a rival.
"
"acribometers aren't at all
used for measuring things that are tall.
instead, at our pleasure,
they're gadgets that measure
the teeny, the tiny, the small.
"
"british slang?  it is used by the tons
in the language of one of my sons.
so i figure perhaps,
when he says he has blaps,
he is having a case of the runs.
"
"this limerick's objective: it traces
the story of dental-type braces.
if your teeth are not straight,
have them braced, then just wait,
and you'll see how much nicer your face is.
"
"a lady who lives in tacoma
has a tumor, but not a lymphoma.
she really feels fine,
as she's learned it's benign?
on her glomus, a chemodectoma.
"
"it's a genre of painting apart.
it's the type we call abc art.
its deceptive simplicity
heightens felicity,
more from the head than the heart.
"
"on cheatgrass, i'll gladly expound:
on the grasslands, you'll find it around,
in the western u.s.
it's an import, i guess,
as in europe at first it was found.
"
"chaetodipterus: genus of spadefish
is a food fish, and also gay-blade fish
that lures female types
with his zebra-like stripes,
like a costume-ball dressed masquerade fish.
"
"here's a chamfron to put on your war-horse.
protected, he won't be a sore horse.
on the front of his head
blows can strike a horse dead,
so be careful to armor your corps-horse.
"
"if you visit the lake called champlain,
you may love it and wish to remain.
though its history prattles
of many fierce battles,
they're unlikely to happen again.
"
"a dam was constructed to break
up the flow, so the water would make,
in the course of the progress
of the river called chagres,
the body we now call a lake.
"
"chalcanthite, a beautiful blue,
has some uses?in fact, quite a few.
in dyes, it's a topper.
it's made up of copper,
and sulphur, and oxygen, too.
"
"at the shop, an impoverished gaffer
came to blows with a feisty young staffer.
it was not very nice
as they argued the price
of each item?they'd haggle and chaffer.
"
"there's a shopper i know named mccaffery
who indulges in haggling and chaffery.
he's the best in our town;
he will bargain you down,
then spend all that he saved in a quaffery.
"
"the chaetognath turns out to be
part of plankton that floats in the sea.
and each amorous kiss'll
be sharp. there's a bristle
each side of its mouth?he or she.
"
"a practical tailor named roth
goes for wool, but is scared of the moth;
so he sews a thick coat
to be worn on his boat,
made of chamlet, a waterproof cloth.
"
"in kenya, i joined a safari.
by the second day out, i was sorry.
we saw not one giraffe
in a day and a half,
and my tent, from burnt charcoal, was charry.
"
"we returned, having seen no big game,
feeling hungry, disheartened, and lame,
then were told we must chip
in ten bucks for a tip.
i'm ashamed and regret that i came.
"
"""she's got breathiness,"" said the director;
he was ready just then to select her.
""she has breathlessness?"" mel
didn't hear very well
and demanded the boss man reject her.
"
"who's that creature who swings through the trees
like a man on a flying trapeze?
that capuchin is spunky
(not the monk, but the monkey);
so at ease that his fleas feel the breeze.
"
"the cerebral arteries: main
source of blood to one side of the brain,
send their corpuscles through
gray, and white matter too;
then they drain through a cerebral vein.
"
"i once had a girlfriend named rose
who was known for her sweet button nose,
but i found she had been
buttin' in with my kin?
now my secrets she's bound to expose.
"
"an ambitious but fickle calgarian,
first an oilman and then seminarian,
also worked as a ploughboy,
a rancher, and cowboy,
then finished his life a librarian.
"
"my nephew's become a caloyer
so a monast'ry's now his employer.
when i visit him?well?
we can't sit in his cell.
we are forced to converse in the foyer.
"
"the government never would ban a
brown bird who thinks herring is manna.
this pelican's small,
in fact smallest of all,
and the state bird of louisiana.
"
"i have asked every girl in the town out,
and their put-downs i wish i could drown out.
i don't look like don juan
with the lights fully on,
but i might do all right in a brownout.
"
"he swings by his tail from a tree?
the monkey who's known as titi.
he is called callicebus;
t t? that's his rebus.
for a lifetime he'll mate with his she.
"
"""this vein is the brachiocephalic,""
quoth he, and i said, ""you smart alec!""
but i owe an apology;
he'll win, in biology,
a prestigious award, gold-metallic.
"
"for his eightieth-birthday-bash, pater
had insisted his brother should cater,
but the food was so bad
it embarrassed my dad;
all he ate was a date and a tater.
"
"two highrollers meet.  ""look at me,""
says the first. ""i'm half-starved, as you see,
and i'm down on my luck;
can you spare me a buck?""
""here's a fifty, and bon app?tit!""
"
"on the day that we met, i thought evan
was so good he was manna from heaven,
but quick as a bunny
he plundered my money;
so now i must face chapter seven.
"
"look up ""duck"" on the calorie chart;
if you eat it, please take it apart!
first remove all the fat
and the skin. after that,
it perhaps will not damage your heart.
"
"""he is mean, he is coarse, he is dumb,""
says my mother, ""the guy is a bum!""
so she  bombinates, right?
that's ""insults him""? not quite!
it's a word that means ""buzz, drone, or hum.""
"
"my knowledge of latin would fit
like a drop in a bottomless pit,
yet my teachers all clamor
for accurate grammar?
it makes me so mad, i could spit!
"
"ceftriaxone, if given iv,
or im, either one, is the key
that can beat meningitis
or tough pneumonitis?
infections of baneful degree.
"
"for a voter, the moment of truth
occurs when he enters the booth
and must choose between those
who are crooks that he knows
and the strangers who seem so uncouth.
"
"after class, my friend jennifer coaches
the biology students.  she broaches
a subject?i dare ya
consider blattaria
without going ""eeeew!""?that of roaches.
"
"my friend from bologna is very
keen on joining the carabinieri.
in the uniform he
would look handsome, and be
a policeman, and just a bit scary.
"
"does the boogeyman give you the willies?
i met him last thursday at chili's.
he said, ""folks shouldn't fear
me; i'm shy as a deer.
those who dread me are all silly-billies!""
"
"said camilla, ""it's charles i adore;
though i'm wearing his ring, i want more!""
so she sought souvenirs,
like the cans from his beers,
and was bronzing the shoes that he wore.
"
"long ago, in the past, i've heard rumors,
chirurgeons would cut out your tumors,
or your bladder stones (when
all chirurgeons where men,
and the ladies wore trousers called bloomers).
"
"the sculptor completed the head.
""have it bronzed, but be careful,"" he said,
""be exact with the metal;
my client won't settle
if all of his features have spread.""
"
"the coat was the loveliest brown
and was filled with the finest goose down,
but his girlfriend turned sulky?
complained, ""it's too bulky!
did they run out of mink?"" (with a frown).
"
"the bunny whose first name is bugs
is not simply one of those thugs.
though he steals from a farmer,
he's cute and a charmer
and never will drink or use drugs.
"
"a.c.e. levels aid diagnosis
of conditions like amyloidosis,
diabetes, fibrosis,
or histoplasmosis,
and of course, alcoholic cirrhosis.
"
"it's an enzyme, or so i surmise,
as it ends with an ""ase,"" no surprise.
a.c.e. we suppress
when it causes duress
by making our blood pressure rise.
"
"she is young; she's engaged, and she's proud?
likes to show off her ring to a crowd.
her fiance is fifty
but his bod is still nifty,
and his face??apple-cheeked and smooth-browed.
"
"this blood vessel's path leaves me vexed.
it attaches too soon to the next.
this aberrant artery's
not in the charteries
nor in my medical text!
"
"alluring lureen has me under
a spell, and i fear i may blunder
when i ask for a date.
my admirative state
has me dizzy with awe and with wonder.
"
"the young cassowary lass was named ginny.
she was painfully shy and quite skinny,
but she flourished and grew,
till ms. emu said, ""you
now can boast you're the toast of new guinea!""
"
"candid camera?always a laugh.
allen funt was too funny by half.
with his camera hidden,
his victims were ridden,
and often were caught in a gaffe.
"
"have you spotted my pet cacomistle?
i am writing this formal epistle
to enlist your assistance
and bypass resistance.
she won't just come home if i whistle.
"
"this necklace i'll have to exchange,
as its price is too high?out of range.
though i should have resisted
when the salesman insisted
""it's chump change!"" i bought it.  how strange.
"
"""you will find you're a whole lot contenter,""
said my mentor, ""if friendships you enter
with adroitness and tact.
you can help and, in fact,
be a human-relations cementer.""
"
"some believe that our leaders, like caesars,
want an absolute rule. (they're not pleasers.)
but if they are called caesarist,
i guess i'm a geezerist?
i'd vote for regimes led by geezers.
"
"i'd say bigney is not the great crime
of enjoying two wives at a time.
it's a lovely red grape
with a globular shape
that is used to make wine that's sublime.
"
"when it rained cats and dogs, as a kid
i got scared and i usually hid.
i convinced myself that
twenty dogs and a cat
would fall down from the sky. yes, i did!
"
"""seems that buff leather's used to make clothes,
like the coat that i recently chose.""
""are you, wearing this sheath,
in the buff underneath?""
my reply will be, ""only god knows.""
"
"in trinidad, where i will buy land,
calypsonians live on the island.
when i finally move there,
my life will improve there;
i love how they sing in the high land.
"
"silly millie's celebrity bar
needs a bouncer, and i'm up to par.
though i'm one of a mob
who applied for the job,
i'm the bounciest bouncer by far!
"
"the call-board's located backstage
in the theater. messages page
an unknown in the cast
for a star turn at last?
or announce further cuts in his wage.
"
"what is cineole's meaning? i wonder.
eucalyptus trees, growing down under?
when they're processed with toil?
are the source of this oil.
to produce it, the trees we must plunder.
"
"to show off rare words, i'm ambitious.
i'm alert for occasions auspicious,
when i'll add one word more
to what i said before:
the obsolete word addititious.
"
"the verb bulldog means launch an attack,
like a wolf that is leading a pack,
and hang on, thick or thin,
always fighting to win?
once you pounce, there is no looking back!
"
"long ago, if you traveled through woods,
you would have to surrender some goods.
you paid chiminage then.
life has changed, and now when
you lose cash, it's extorted by hoods.
"
"they told me the bush was bacciferous,
and the berry production was biferous.
i consumed half a cup;
then i choked and threw up,
and the barf that i raised was chymiferous.
"
"two bitterlings, if they're agreein',
indulge in some he-in' and she-in'.
with help from some mussels,
this fish couple hustles.
these creatures are so european!
"
"bull's-eye windows: the cause of my fall.
the ladder i mounted was tall
and surprisingly steep
as i climbed it to peep
through the ones in the ladies' room wall.
"
"if you're shopping for fish in l.a.
and you'd like something different, you may
want a fish that's not bony;
then try alfione,
caught fresh in the ocean or bay.
"
"a clever young yachtsman named randall,
who managed to lose his right sandal,
had no flashlight.  he felt
he'd try candlefish (smelt
that when dried will light up like a candle).
"
"chronogrammatists exercise wit.
their inscriptions are cunningly writ:
clever wording will hide
a date written inside.
i respect their technique quite a bit.
"
"""pass the cheese tray!"" he bellowed. ""of course,""
she replied, ""you eat just like a horse!""
""horses never eat cheese.
you've got masters' degrees,
but you're dumb!"" now she wants a divorce.
"
"senior boys? they're are all gloomy and cheerless,
as it seems that the prom will be beerless.
and the girls? they cry, fearless,
""the dance will be peerless!
'cause sober, our dates will be leerless!""
"
"here is cerebral tissue, chopped fine.
it is cell-free, and that's by design.
we can study reactions
in each of its fractions?
but please use a rat brain, not mine!
"
"i could spend all i earn, to be frank,
so each year i'd join up, and i'd thank
what the christmas club gave
me?the pressure to save
for my christmas gifts?down at the bank.
"
"there are two different shrubs that are called
christmas berry. our language seems mauled.
there's the eastern?that's best?
and the one from the west.
as a gardener, i'm frankly appalled!
"
"""the foods that i like to eat most
are all cariogenic,"" i'd boast.
eating sugar each day
caused my teeth to decay;
now i can't chew my roast or eat toast.
"
"their welcome had brimmed with good feeling,
but their halloween ball left me reeling.
in their brimless black hats
they resembled two bats,
as they hung, with their young, from the ceiling.
"
"at the butcher's i opted to make
a plea for a break on my steak.
with a mallet he bashed
a large t-bone, and smashed
it, then said, ""there, i gave you a break!""
"
"when my grandpa would start in to curse,
my grandma would reach in her purse.
it was clear she was vexed;
she would pull out a text
and upbraid him with chapter and verse.
"
"if you've had one, you might feel you're mauled,
as a buzz cut can leave you quite bald;
but the clipper that buzzes
may be set to leave fuzzes?
if so, then a brush cut it's called.
"
"i took my new gal to the zoo.
now i feel like a cast-off old shoe.
her complaints never ceased,
""you are just a wild beast!""
then she promptly ran off with a gnu.
"
"they don't buzz like the flies or the bees.
they are kissing bugs, larger than fleas.
when they're sucking your blood
they're transmitting the crud?
those germs that cause chagas disease.
"
"when i bought a well-tailored burnoose,
my girlfriend bernice snapped, ""it's loose!
i like fitted burnooses,
tied tight, like papooses!""
i made no excuse?what's the use?
"
"if it's cold, and you're out, you'll feel chilly,
and to crave something hot isn't silly.
my advice (it's no blarney):
try chili con carne.
you'll find yourself warmed, willy-nilly.
"
"this memory never will fade:
i was part of a bucket brigade.
as we put out each fire
we'd get hot and perspire,
so they served us some cold lemonade.
"
"cairngormstone (it's called smoky quartz)
is, according to all my reports,
a most beautiful crystal,
and hot as a pistol?
but not of much use to treat warts.
"
"in this limerick, let me address
the forces we call antipress.
they asperse what's in print,
but not textbooks. a hint:
it's the papers they smear to excess.
"
"""a cementoblastoma?"" she said,
with a look of incredible dread.
""it's a small dental tumor,
benign?that's the rumor.""
""thank goodness! i thought i was dead!""
"
"it's called catchfly, this plant with the flowers.
though it doesn't have magical powers,
with secretions it tries,
and can really catch flies!
i can sit here and watch it for hours.
"
"said the caterpillar, eating red cloth,
""won't eat broccoli, never touch broth?
for one day i will be
a red butterfly!""  she
then went pupal and came out a moth.
"
"ariadne auf naxos, by strauss
is an opera that brings down the house.
left alone on an isle
by a cad with a smile,
ariadne's told, ""find a new spouse!""
"
"neath his armor, sir bernie'd not fail
to be wearing a shirt made of mail,
that was known as a byrnie,
when he went on a journey
in a dangerous quest to prevail.
"
"a man brought his bitch to a bar,
and was buying her beer (how bizarre!).
when the customers stared,
his shar-pei was prepared?
and she sang as he played the guitar.
"
"my son, with a pencil in hand, drew
a portrait of patron saint, andrew,
for his band (""swingin' scots""),
by connecting the dots;
and his art drew more praise than the band drew.
"
"humphrey bogart was sexy and smart.
his acting rose straight from the heart.
he was charlie onscreen
in the african queen?
won an oscar for playing the part.
"
"the angel-fish, if you look sharp,
appears more like a shark than a carp.
though as fiddle-fish known,
it can't play a chaconne,
or a hymn on a heavenly harp.
"
"our lab had a series of troubles;
seems that cloud chambers can't be the doubles
of ion detectors
that measure their vectors.
they're chambers that work using bubbles.
"
"for the dancer with legs that were bowed,
omens didn't bode well. pigeon-toed
pirouettes caused regret;
they enclosed, like a set
of parens, a whole area code.
"
"said jack, ""there's a weed called the bugle.
can you eat it?"" (my friend is quite frugal.)
i replied, ""here's a hint:
it's related to mint?
why not look up the damned thing in google?""
"
"melinda and joe want to shack up.
she's pretty and smart and will stack up
to most other chicks.
but old joe's playing tricks,
keeping jacqui on hand as a backup.
"
"said his doc, ""you are taking a chance, sir.
you're at risk for developing cancer,
and with each cigarette
a step closer you get.""
and the chain smoker hadn't an answer.
"
"central city: the part that's the core
of a large urban center?what's more,
it's a town in eight states,
though in volume none rates
such a name.  it's a fact they ignore.
"
"in my life i've made many a gaffe?
too much people-misjudgment by half.
i have trusted some crooks
who had innocent looks
'cause i can't tell the wheat from the chaff.
"
"i have always aspired to be thin,
but there's  cellulite  under my skin.
""excise it,"" i'm urgin'
my new plastic surgeon.
he sighs, ""dunno where to begin!""
"
"when oedipus first met his dad,
a chance-medley is what the two had.
although laius was slain,
what did oedipus gain?
seems the story's last chapter was bad.
"
"if you're struggling with pangs of self-blame,
and inside, full of turmoil and shame,
in my poem i might
sing your praises and write
agonistes right after your name.
"
"i am pretty much certain i'll pass
in my sophomore cookery class.
i concocted a dish
using two kinds of fish,
and i'm calling it ""porgy and bass.""
"
"she began to dress lightly and gauzily,
without understanding it causally.
but there aren't new pashes;
i'll bet that hot flashes
have caused this new dress, menopausally.
"
"my kidneys have shapes that don't please,
and their pyramids look like swiss cheese.
they've been spongy from birth.
you may ask, ""what on earth?""
i'll reply, ""cacchi-ricci disease!""
"
"there's a liquid inside of this flask.
""is it very acidic?"" you ask.
we can check! scientific,
and very specific,
acidimetry's up to the task.
"
"i wouldn't say eve is malicious?
at worst, she is over-ambitious;
but at work, as you know,
she just won't let me go,
so this word i bestow: cementitious!
"
"it's a fabric we'd place at a glance,
but its name we must know in advance
'cause without the word chino
i'm sure there would be no
word chinos for lance's new pants.
"
"there's a bike that my nephew admires.
in the shops it attracts many buyers.
it is very well made,
its design is top grade,
and it rides on select black wall tires.
"
"eating ants is what anteaters do,
and i'll not interfere as they chew.
if a cannibal wants
to devour my aunts,
i will haul him to court, and i'll sue!
"
"my dog fido was smitten last june.
now he gazes and bays at the moon.
when his song hits my ears,
it's so sad, i shed tears?
wish he'd sing her a catchier tune!
"
"in britain, a cess is a tax.
when you find you are taxed to the max,
out in belfast, it's true,
you'd say, ""bad cess to you!""
to the taxman, to help you relax.
"
"if the caulk in the deck planking thins,
we may make the deck waterproof (chinse)
with some knifefuls of oakum;
in the cracks we must poke 'em.
works better than staples or pins!
"
"although chokebore is one type of gun
that our prof brought to class just for fun,
could it also direct
that we show disrespect?
that we choke the old bore, and then run?
"
"a genetic chimera? that means
that your cells have distinct sets of genes
from two fertilized eggs?
a condition that begs
for deployment in horror-film scenes.
"
"he's a chorist (he sings in the choir)
with a voice many people admire.
boy soprano at seven
with a voice straight from heaven,
as a basso at last he'll retire.
"
"baloney (one o), goodness knows,
means so phony and fake that it shows;
but although it seems strange,
i will switch, for a change
to boloney?that's spelled with two o's.
"
"my grandmother's eighty and loves
to wear none but the finest of gloves.
in her box she has several,
made of kid that's called cheveril,
with the color and softness of doves.
"
"the structure we call the chest wall
is confusing, or so i recall.
but what i like the best:
it is not just the chest,
but the diaphragm, abdomen, all!
"
"let's go down to the playhouse where they
are rehearsing a chronicle play.
guess its subject's no mystery?
it's straight english history,
as writ in elizabeth's day.
"
"it was small and was made of carved stone.
it was all that was truly his own?
this most valuable thing?a
rare tribal churinga.
without it he'd feel all alone.
"
"""vhen vhee schtudy se apes, you'll agree,""
said herr schmidt, ""sey're like you an' like me.
in your textbook, page zevhen,
zee figure elevhen?
chust peek at sat sleek chimp an' zee!""
"
"the debt that we owe calvert vaux
is especially clear when one walks
in the daytime or dark
in sublime central park?
a landmark that's really new yawk's.
"
"from the new world it came, not from tonga,
and it's neither the rumba nor conga.
with flute and not tuba,
this music's from cuba?
the sound that is called the charanga.
"
"i tap sap from the trees in my dells.
in the tree cells?there cytosol dwells.
it's a cell sap they've got;
i would sell sap but not
sell the cell sap that dwells in their cells.
"
"i bought trees from a fellow named frank
for my ranch; then my fortunes just sank.
all the trees turned out branchless
and soon i'll be ranchless;
what else turned out branchless? my bank.
"
"how you cough! is it tuberculosis?
your doc seeks a firm diagnosis,
'cause you really feel rotten.
you're a worker with cotton?
i suspect that you've got byssinosis.
"
"flowers open for sex: that's chasmogamy?
clearly promoting xenogamy,
not so monogamy.
then there's cleistogamy?
this type engenders misogamy.
"
"the ship's captain had perfect control
on a cruise to bikini atoll,
and he knew none would be sick,
as no one gets seasick
on ships that are built antiroll.
"
"our neighbor portrays the centrality
of his life as extreme punctuality,
so he never is late
for a meal or a date,
but we hate his innate personality.
"
"for each hospital patient, a chart
is maintained on the ward, in a cart.
it records tpr,
but does not go as far
as reporting each burp and each fart.
"
"many insects, you know, will have bristles;
some are spiky and pointed, like thistles.
so look up, ere you hug
that magnificent bug?
what's its chaetotaxy? (wowed listener whistles!)
"
"we always examine the face
(adenoma sebaceum's place)
for a firm diagnosis
of tuberous sclerosis?
a triad of symptoms, its base.
"
"seems that charter schools now try to beat
all the public schools. who can best meet
all the needs of each pupil?
i'd not have a scruple
in helping the charters compete.
"
"of my pain i will seldom complain;
on a plane, though, it drives me insane.
i get soda on ice,
with some lemon (a slice),
while my body cries out for champagne.
"
"a chromosome's made out of strands
of material, stan understands.
telling one from the next,
though, can leave him perplexed,
so with stain stan counts chromosome bands.
"
"amentiferae, some people say,
are the plants that bear catkins?but hey!
quite a few disagree.
gee, it's ok with me;
if you argue, it won't spoil my day.
"
"my friend says he's got a position
as an alat; but what is his mission?
he can't be a catalyst;
but maybe a chattel-ist?
he's an animal-focused technician.
"
"""get more exercise; eat much less fat,""
said the bishop. ""my mission is that
i reduce, in this diocese,
cholelithiasis
(gallstones)."" thus ended his chat.
"
"i met mary, was lovesick, then scared,
and i might have cried out if i'd dared.
though my heart ached inside, it
seemed best that i hide it?
for chest pain i wasn't prepared.
"
"cholangitis takes place in the liver,
where each ductule joins up, like a river,
to the large common duct,
which a stone may obstruct;
then the ducts get inflamed, and you shiver.
"
"it's a rush-hour problem, i'm told:
at a chokepoint, the traffic stops cold.
if it won't let a guy pass,
try building a bypass;
the solution, old friend, must be bold!
"
"the tree's fruits are astringent and bitter;
to eat apples and grapes would be fitter.
i will not bandy words?
they're best left for the birds
who eat chokecherries gaily, atwitter.
"
"the breakfront's rich patterns were swirled,
as its wood was exquisitely burled.
it had strong, handmade joints
and some other fine points,
but the price was just out of this world.
"
"he's a plagiarist, yep, born and bred.
not a word that he's written or said
(all his speeches and jokes?
works of other good folks)
has ever come out of his head!
"
"you may write about something abstruse,
like the claws on the feet of a goose,
but i'd recommend, buddy,
chreotechnics: the study
of things you can put to good use.
"
"it's charism, gift from on high,
that allows the donee to defy
all common restrictions,
restraints, interdictions,
and heal who would otherwise die.
"
"i'm a generous guy, so i just
said i'd set up a charitable trust.
once i gave out cash money,
but my lawyer is funny;
he says 'cause of taxes, i must.
"
"go for salmon? like trout? well, they are
both related, it seems, to the charr.
while delicious in dishes
one wishes, this fish is
the world's most nutritious by far!
"
"brain hormones are made in the brain
and don't travel too far.  they remain
and affect nearby tissue,
so it isn't an issue
of a long-distance influence chain.
"
"although some in the party had qualms
about readings, experience calms;
so characteristically
cryptically, mystically,
madam lam? read our palms.
"
"as a student of life, i am keen.
i work hard and my record is clean;
but though writing is my line,
i can't get a byline
in esquire, or time magazine.
"
"mohandas k. gandhi said, ""hark! a
sound comes from this house that can spark a
return to home spinning!""
he listened, and grinning,
referred to the indian charkha.
"
"i arrived here, it's true, on a boat
with a visa for tourists, please note,
and decided to stay.
i am happy, but hey!
only citizens here get to vote!
"
"when she weeps and her lips are aquiver,
her response is: ""i'll drink me a river!""
but her drink isn't water,
so now my dear daughter
has cirrhosis (you guessed) of the liver.
"
"an expression that many folks say
when they leave you is, ""have a nice day!""
but it makes my head swivel?
i reply, ""'twill be civil
(from midnight to midnight), i pray.""
"
"the woman is not fully dressed;
her bodice exposes her breast.
my friend jess is obsessed,
but i wouldn't suggest
that he press for a citizen's arrest!
"
"of some spiders we needn't be wary,
while others are ugly and hairy.
beware if you find
the citigrade kind;
they're the wolf and tarantula?scary!
"
"circumnavigate, mr. magellan?
just what kind of snake oil you sellin'?
you expect you can sail
'round the earth without fail?
you'll get whacked in ceb? by a felon!
"
"my son will debate, on occasion,
opponents of any persuasion.
when the topic's profound
he tries dodging around?
circumvention's his tactic?evasion.
"
"cigarettes are instructive.  here's why:
when you light one, the smoke hits your eye
and the tears that you cry
all remind you that by
cigarettes you will probably die.
"
"to cigars doctor freud was addicted.
this addiction meant choice was restricted?
couldn't take them or leave
them.  he found no reprieve,
and he died oral-cancer afflicted.
"
"buying hair dye i seek clairol's name.
i like changelessness (things stay the same),
lest my lovely brown tresses
end up as green messes.
now i strut down the street without shame.
"
"alligators: beasts that are strong?
in a river or swamp they belong;
while a court's allocaturs
let felons and traitors
appeal if the verdict seems wrong.
"
"do you feel you are really depressed?
stay in bed? don't get up or get dressed?
see your doc; ask to try
this new ssri
called citalopram. give it a test.
"
"his ears are so big that they're flappy;
his lips are all fissured and chappy.
he has large smelly feet,
but he finds life a treat
and this chappy is never unhappy.
"
"i feel i must add a refrain,
so this limerick won't fail to contain
praise that's due for the famed
man for whom the lake's named:
that is samuel (sam) de champlain.
"
"it's not just a brand of computer,
or a gift from a student to tutor.
the ambrosia's repute
as a delicate fruit
makes it fit for a belle, from a suitor.
"
"acris crepitans (fat, funny frog)
sat agog on a log in a bog.
although famished, he found,
'mid the mist all around,
that he failed to find food in the fog.
"
"i think i'm a pretty good sport,
and to anger i seldom resort,
so when dad was arrested
i calmly requested
a full circumstantial report.
"
"though his fraud wasn't hard to detect,
our evidence wasn't direct,
but, instead, circumstantial;
we inferred a financial
misconduct he now must correct.
"
"dear postmaster: here i'll confess
that the district i live in's a mess.
folks don't know that i come
from a terrible slum;
send a new accommodation address.
"
"those wispy white clouds we call cirrus
are high in the sky and not near us.
they're like tails of white mice,
but they're crystals of ice.
just to look at them's nice, and they cheer us.
"
"to a salad or stew, steve conceives,
one adds flavorful, tubular leaves
of the cibol (welsh onion).
it works with fried grunion;
no chef's is more tasty than steve's.
"
"the p.r. guy we hired gave us various
suggestions for names, some hilarious?
such as eat and bleat treat
for our brand of dried meat?
but to me it did not sound cibarious.
"
"it appears i am no longer fearing
the study of civil engineering.
as i gain comprehension
of torsion and tension,
toward this peerless career i am steering.
"
"with the guests i decided to mingle;
then i suddenly started to tingle.
her tight cingle and dress
couldn't fail to impress,
and i found i was glad to be single.
"
"it's the site of romantic deliria,
and of knowledge, a grand cafeteria.
it decides what i do
and what action's taboo?
i'm describing my precious cinerea.
"
"her smile was concealing her guile
from the moment we walked down the aisle,
so i no longer carry
our license to marry?
it's been dumped in the circular file.
"
"i had dinner tonight at the club;
they served whitefish, the kind that's called chub.
it was mushy and bland
(man, that chef should be canned!);
understand why i'm off to the pub.
"
"to agree, in this instance, is vital.
i think you have copied my title.
make sure that you get it:
if you don't give me credit
you may find yourself with a cital.
"
"the beetle called cereal leaf
came west and ate crops. that's its chief
deleterious role.
now it's under control,
as its natural foes brought it grief.
"
"it's got chlorine? we'd say it is chlorous.
let's look in my roget's thesaurus.
not listed? alas?
but there's also this grass
that's called chloris. let's not let it floor us.
"
"the coffin was placed catercorner
at the funeral.  there as a mourner,
i said, ""surely this change
in the setup is strange,
and for me, makes the service forlorner.""
"
"the body that's called the carotid
in a textbook is easily spotted.
unrelated to teething,
it regulates breathing?
the purpose for which it was slotted.
"
"call it cittern or call it citole,
this old instrument once played a role
in the songs that were sung.
like a lute, it was strung.
in its flat, pear-shaped soundbox? a hole.
"
"my friend pete loves his meat; he's a glutton
for chops, whether veal, pork or mutton.
when his wife chops up meat
to make meatballs to eat,
he repeats, ""gimme chops, or serve nuttin'!""
"
"as our railroads are broad-gauge, we would
find your narrow-gauge freight cars no good.
we use all broad-gauged track,
and there's no turning back.
(wouldn't buy your old junk if i could!)
"
"the consultant's demeanor was gentle.
she knew of my fears, incremental,
of the sound of my heart;
so she looked through my chart,
said, ""your murmur, ms. blume? accidental.""
"
"i have struggled so hard in the past;
it's a brain trust i need (that's a cast
of the best of the best
who know more than the rest).
ah! a panel of experts, at last!
"
"our aquarium sports a display
of cichlids from far, far away.
like the sunfish, they're flat
and don't grow very fat.
pay a visit to cichlids today.
"
"it lives on cicadas and fills
up its gut with the insects it kills.
well, i can't be much blunter:
this wasp is a hunter?
gets thrills from its bug-killing skills.
"
"on the fourth of july, this great nation
indulges in loud celebration.
while the fireworks boom,
partygoers consume;
there's cibation as well as libation.
"
"a man with rhinitis (catarrh)
found he choked when he smoked a cigar,
so he made an appointment.
i'm sure he got ointment?
i can see past his door?it's ajar.
"
"when from egypt the israelites fled,
did they cross what is known as the red
sea? i'd say, ""yes, indeedy!""
but was it the reedy
(calamiferous) waters instead?
"
"c15, h14, and, oh, yes,
cl, n3, and o4, and s
form an antibiotic
that, while not exotic,
suppresses your germs with finesse.
"
"this odd fish in my textbook is shown
as both cabezon and cabezone,
but i doubt you'll be gulpin'
this scorpion sculpin;
as food fish it isn't well known.
"
"you started your life as a cell,
as an ovum (an egg with no shell),
but a sperm came along
with a smile and a song?
now you're paying your taxes?ah, well!
"
"muffin jones had a ram who was bad,
and he butted each friend that she had.
though they never said nuttin',
they ate him as mutton?
left butterless, muffin was sad.
"
"try a piece of this candy; it's brittle.
but pick it up gently, or it'll
break up into pieces?
surprise never ceases?
the chunks that were big will be little.
"
"in the great war, to get in the army,
men were tested in ways that alarm me.
the alpha test served
(and this makes me unnerved)
to find men who were backward or barmy.
"
"this tale has a moral.  it's this:
in the white house, if keisters you kiss,
you may end up the sap
who is taking the rap
when there's something important amiss.
"
"""charles x?"" susie asked, ""who is he?
malcolm's brother, or dad, might he be?""
i replied, ""not a chance!
both of sweden and france,
he was king."" ""is that possible?"" ""oui!""
"
"their meeting became an all-nighter
as they sought for a method to fight 'er.
seems her house was of wood;
they decided they could?
with the help of a cigarette lighter.
"
"he kept winking.  i murmured, ""how gross is
this flirting!"" and felt the prognosis
for this date would be zero,
but it seems that my hero
has an eye with a spasm?cillosis.
"
"the tumor developed apace
in his lung. you could see, in his face,
the price of his smoking;
and he wasn't quite joking
when he said, ""i'm a cigarette case.""
"
"'twas his smoking that finally shut
off the passion i'd felt in my gut.
should have known from his strut
he was some kind of nut;
all he left was a cigarette butt.
"
"the hotel room you gave me was spacious,
the furnishings stately and gracious,
but the drapes seem a little
like paper, and brittle?
i guess you could call them chartaceous.
"
"""not a hookah,"" i said, ""take a look
at the pipe of my new turkish cook.
its long stem and clay bowl
just took over my soul,
so i'll run out and buy a chibouk.""
"
"mens sana in corpore sano
is my motto, and mano a mano,
i'll defend my position
from here to the mission
that's named for san juan capistrano.
"
"courtly carols?is that what he sings?
does he dance royal carols in rings?
well the guy can't be blamed,
because carol is named
after one of romania's kings.
"
"""each species does nature encumber
with a permanent chromosome number:
fifty-four in the sheep...""
then i fell fast asleep,
and in class i continued to slumber.
"
"his verbal abuse never stops.
i've decided to call in the cops.
i'll get down on my knees
and say, ""officer, please,
can you make him quit bustin' my chops?""
"
"my friend brent took his crown and he went
to replace the large asp on his pschent.
""it's supposed to be red
but it's orange instead.
make it right so my money's well spent.""
"
"although higher-class salesmen earn more,
seymour never found work was a bore.
as a chapman he found
he could travel around
as he peddled his goods, door to door.
"
"i was searching for youth and for girlishness
in a role needing radiant pearlishness.
the young actress seemed fine
till she started to whine;
she was booed for her rudeness and churlishness.
"
"herb declares that sweet cicely's hot,
so i think, ""she's for me?and why not?""
i ask herby, ""hoy mate,
can you get me a date?""
he replies, ""it's an herb in a pot.""
"
"my intention is clear, absolute: a
new theory that wouldn't impute a
role in socrates' death
(when he breathed his last breath)
to a member of genus cicuta.
"
"first he pulled the cigar from its sheath.
as he puffed, the smoke rose in a wreath.
then an artery broke
and he died of a stroke?
the cigar butt still clenched in his teeth.
"
"you can call me an ass or a knucklehead,
or a dope, or a dupe, or a chucklehead,
but to do so's not nice,
so i'll offer advice:
just declare i'm your sweet honeysuckle-head.
"
"i find, now i've grown old and gray,
that my social life's wasting away.
once in caf? society
now i drink, with anxiety,
hot tea in an outdoor caf?.
"
"if to conquer your cancer you strive,
and you're trying like hell to survive,
this new drug may help win.
there is platinum in
cisplatin, to keep you alive.
"
"when he told me, i felt quite suspicious.
he'd declared that his clothes were cilicious.
i misheard, cried, ""salacious?
what next? goodness gracious!""
but they're woven of hair, and not vicious.
"
"the circassian walnut's a tree
that is all that a tree ought to be?
with no ifs, ands, or buts!
it has large, tasty nuts
and a wood that is lovely to see.
"
"sister susan's a shopper?a mall-nut,
and a furniture's-loved-best-of-all nut,
so if she is able
she'll buy us a table
of finest circassian walnut.
"
"my grandmother likes to impute
wondrous magic to all citrus fruit.
eating lemons and limes
will assure wealthy times,
perfect health, and twelve offspring to boot.
"
"it's a ciphertext message, encoded
so that privacy won't be eroded.
it's entirely scripted
in symbols?encrypted
in figures (i hope) not outmoded.
"
"there's a grape of which folks seldom talk.
it is grown in south france, in languedoc.
if the labels i scan, so
i'll find the name cinsaut,
i'll need to have eyes like a hawk.
"
"from the world's pharmaceutical firms
comes a drug that's called cipro. the term's
ciprofloxacin for
the generic; what's more,
it's a marvelous killer of germs.
"
"the cinque-pace: an old-fashioned dance
that was popular once, back in france,
called the galliard as well.
couples danced it like hell?
whenever the pair had a chance.
"
"in his church the old architect settles
for ornaments crafted of metals,
or of stone, in a frame,
called a cinquefoil?the name
of a flower with only five petals.
"
"lots of beer and tortillas i'll buy, oh,
for my party on cinco de mayo.
it's a day set aside
here for mexican pride.
i've forgotten the date, so i sigh?oh!
"
"""the word cine is strange in its way.
give me movie or film any day!""
i exclaimed. sidney chortled,
""it's cinema, shortled.""
""i think we should say it cin?.""
"
"cirripedia: are they, alas,
an infra-, or sub-, or a class?
let zoologists fight
over which may be right,
but to me? just a pain in the ass!
"
"master builder: so said his report.
""circumvallate,"" i told him, ""my fort
and my castle."" this vassal
did nothing but hassle,
and now he has sued me in court.
"
"liver function's been rendered chaotic.
diagnosis? it's nothing exotic.
if you don't give up drink,
you'll be dead soon, i think,
as your liver's becoming cirrhotic.
"
"marco polo? adventurous man.
""to the east"" was his traveling plan,
and he said to his gang, ""oh
let's visit cipango!""?
the place we today call japan.
"
"i learned how to cheat from my mentor.
of a con-artist ring, he's the center.
he taught me such cunning,
i hit the ground running,
and now i'm a great circumventor.
"
"the builder had asked compensation
for my fortress's circumvallation.
i refused and he sued,
but he lost. the judge booed
and then joined in my glad celebration.
"
"it's a church state? the state's a theocracy.
no way can you call it democracy.
in this church-governed nation
there's no separation
of church and state. 'twould be hypocrisy.
"
"my dad as a youth was apprenticed
to a sculptor?a fine cinquecentist,
so he sculpted a while
in a renaissance style,
but he quit. now he works as a dentist.
"
"...and yet, should my vehicle crash in
the region we all call circassian,
i'll need lots of cash
for repairing the smash
of my car, and the other i bash in.
"
"the mammalian brain should inspire us,
and to study it never should tire us.
the fixed distribution
of each convolution
excites, like the cingulate gyrus.
"
"my nephew's a singer, a crooner.
to me he's a sing-out-of-tuner.
i'd be happy if he
got a job where he'd be
singing songs on a cruise?circumlunar!
"
"changefulness isn't a trait
that i seek in a date or a mate;
i prefer men reliable.
where is changefulness viable?
in a piggy bank?there it is great!
"
"alexander the great acted when
he had studied the persians, and then
craved a chiliarch too?
a brave warrior who
would be leader of one thousand men.
"
"in the library, back in the stacks,
i found max eating snacks out of packs.
shouting, ""that's not allowed!""
i attracted a crowd,
but was told by my classmates: ""chillax!""
"
"the word chine i will try to define:
it's a term for an animal's spine,
and to chine, you must hack bone?
chop right through the backbone.
save a chine for me; that piece is mine!
"
"the word chine isn't trendy or new.
many functions it's called on to do.
it's the spine of a creature,
and a boat-bottom feature,
and a word for a mountain ridge, too.
"
"she is pregnant and nearing the birth;
soon she'll labor for all she is worth.
will her childbed remain?
despite all the pain?
her most awesome adventure on earth?
"
"the beautiful carpet i bought
left me angry and deeply distraught.
i learned from my neighbor
it was made with child labor;
such practices ought to be fought.
"
"i believe you are owed an apology
for my earnest but faulty chronology,
as i placed your aunt vera
in the pleistocene era,
as a subject for paleontology.
"
"the deadline is close, and i'll bet
that our project is not ready yet.
we'll assemble our crew
and work frantically through
until dawn?yes, we'll have a charrette.
"
"poor yorick! his skull?was it chapless?
when he handled it, hamlet felt hapless.
was it 'cause hamlet saw
it was lacking a jaw?
it was jawless and fleshless (and capless).
"
"in defending my case he gets frisky.
my lawyer's a toper; that's risky!
when i visit his joint,
i find (case in point)
two half-empty cases of whiskey.
"
"the cimeliarch, under the church,
is its storehouse (so says my research);
and it's also the warden
who'd just come aboard. in
a month we were left in the lurch.
"
"to advance my career, cinematic,
i am shooting a film in my attic.
with my camera and lights
i stage swordplay and fights.
see tonight's? climb three flights?i'm ecstatic!
"
"a cymbal may keep you awake
with the loudness of sound it can make,
while a symbol stands in
(as in sn for tin),
and a cimbal's an (obsolete) cake.
"
"from the city rooms, there at our papers,
comes news of occasional capers
of mayoral aides
caught in bawdy-house raids.
of opinion, our papers are shapers.
"
"seems that citral's a substance of class.
made from oil of a plant (lemon grass),
or from fruits, or synthetic,
it is peripatetic.
in cosmetics it pleases each lass.
"
"my uncle has two phds.
""put your bucks in cds,"" he decrees.
though it seemed like a risk,
i bought many a disc;
now i'm up to my knees in cds.
"
"if you're looking for somewhere to dine,
think outside of your own city line.
fine suburban caf?s
serve cuisine you will praise.
have you ever tried dining at mine?
"
"have you heard of the term cismontane?
its meaning i'll try to explain:
""on my side of this range,
of these mountains.""  sound strange?
france is tramontane once you're in spain.
"
"at politics, fred was a master,
so his progress went faster and faster.
his aim was to rate
in defense or in state,
but his brinksmanship led to disaster.
"
"to my agent: ""oh, claire! don't you dare!
i will not appear nude; it's not fair!""
but she knew i'd consent,
so she didn't relent?
all her arguments claire brought to bear.
"
"i cried, ""brainwave!"" and thought i would melt?a
bright idea arrived, so i felt a
perspicacity, and,
on my eeg band,
all my alpha and beta and delta.
"
"got a headache? i'll fix you a bromo.
am i selling it? yes, it's a promo.
it will give you a lift,
and i think it's a gift
to our brethren (the genus called homo).
"
"i guess i lost too many bets;
i just cannot keep up with my debts.
since i can't pay my rent,
i now live in a tent,
and i'm cooking on charcoal briquets.
"
"my nephew, who's still in his teens,
wears a brush cut and tells me it means
that the corps where each male is
hailed ""semper fidelis!""
will welcome him soon (the marines).
"
"well, they worked it all out, as you know,
and her breathy voice stole the whole show?
as of course, in this case,
did her figure and face?
the actress was marilyn monroe.
"
"at audition she showed off her art,
and she knew she'd succeed from the start.
her diction was laudable,
and her breathing was audible,
but her breathy voice suited the part.
"
"alcaligenes: found in the soil, it
is in water, but not when you boil it.
you can take a chance, but
if it lives in your gut,
this bacillus will possibly spoil it.
"
"a bleacherite's sports-loving features
include a delight in those creatures
who hit singles and doubles;
to see them he troubles
to purchase a seat in the bleachers.
"
"""my son's a marine,"" said aunt lillian.
""i'd love seeing bill in civilian-
style clothing.  i live
for that day, and i'd give,
for that privilege, many a million.""
"
"in our town many artists reside,
and our borough is bursting with pride.
we have art shows galore
in museums, and more:
in our schools and our parks, citywide.
"
"through the years there have always been fights
that one crisis or other ignites.
rosa parks lit a fire
that we all can admire;
it inspired what helped gain civil rights.
"
"for some folks the law has attraction,
and they're likely to take civil action.
at the smallest offense
they will seek recompense;
your expense will provide satisfaction.
"
"their activity level? intense!
they have covered our town with a dense
grid of trained volunteers
who would cover our rears
in a crisis?our civil defense.
"
"my son will confront with hostility
when he really should punt with civility.
if i teach with agility
will he learn the utility
of politeness? a faint possibility!
"
"now that children all ride in the back
of the car, they are harder to whack.
though mom's ready to burst,
she must stop the car first;
modern car seats can foil an attack.
"
"not her mom, nor her dad, nor her mentor
can talk reason to jen, and prevent 'er
from hanging around
with the crowd that is found
in our town's place of sin (city center).
"
"truckers' radios? always at hand,
and they're using the citizens band.
as they drive coast to coast
cross the land, it's the most
useful method of talk they command.
"
"the stalker adored roseanne barr,
but his worship was not from afar.
this obsessive young feller
revolved, circumstellar,
encircling his favorite star.
"
"here are two english words i would say
come from french: they're bourr?e and beret.
one's a dance.  one's a hat
with a top that is flat.
they're not words that i use every day.
"
"whenever i visit aquaria,
i think of the roman caldaria,
where in water you'd soak
with the upper-class folk,
like the spas in today's sanitaria.
"
"there are retailers' stores on our shopping blocks.
park my car on a hill? i use stopping blocks.
but for hacking up meat,
these big blocks can't be beat?
i'm referring, of course, to my chopping blocks.
"
"let someone manhandle my spine?
i'm afraid i'll politely decline,
as i shun chiropractic.
i guess that this tactic
for your spine is fine?but not mine!
"
"it's a callable debt: on demand
he must pay it?we both understand.
now i find, unexpected,
his phone's disconnected.
he's uncallable, never at hand.
"
"the word belted means three different things:
belted bathrobes are those tied by strings;
if it's belted, your eye
looks like blueberry pie;
belted songs are so loud my ear rings!
"
"a chatelaine's queen of her castle,
and to keep them from being a hassle,
on a chatelaine she's
apt to dangle her keys,
where they hang from her waist like a tassel.
"
"when in britain i'm visiting kin,
what's on telly each night makes me grin.
there's a dog show or cat show,
a horse show or chat show;
i hardly know where to begin.
"
"i know a bold soul who, unplanned, 'll
grab the wick when he puts out a candle.
but my fingers would suffer
if used as a snuffer?
i guess i'll use one with a handle.
"
"as i worked with my hammer and chisel
on the boulder, it started to drizzle,
so john kennedy's nose
won't get carved, i suppose.
guess my homemade mount rushmore's a fizzle.
"
"see these orange trees? what do you call
the orchard producing them all?
call it citrous, i guess,
spelled with r-o-u-s;
no, not citrus?the word seems too small.
"
"circuit courts, in our history, appear
to have moved place to place.  they would hear
many cases. i'm thinkin'
young lawyer abe lincoln
rode the circuit along the frontier.
"
"citronellol: its smell is like roses.
where it comes from, one hardly supposes,
would be grass that supplies
oil that drives away flies.
citronella's not sweet to our noses.
"
"fighting nuclear fission's my mission;
i'm hoping you'll sign my petition.
once you've signed it, would you
talk to other folks too?
i need help with the plea's circuition.
"
"i write of the bug citrus whitefly;
it's a vile, but unlikely-to-bite fly,
so it doesn't spread worms,
hantavirus, or germs,
but for damaging citrus? the right fly!
"
"gert belongs to a circle for sewing.
it's still small, but its membership's growing.
many talents they bring
as they quilt in a ring;
from their fingers fine artistry's flowing.
"
"i'm one of those zealous fanatics
of the art of the film (cinematics).
from star wars to tarzan
i worship the stars, an'
have film in my veins and lymphatics.
"
"his features were chiseled so fine
that i trusted him, right down the line?
gave big bucks to augment
""our"" account (which he spent).
seems he chiseled ten thousand of mine.
"
"if you're taking a rather short trip,
to carry your stuff, here's a tip:
a carpetbag's chic,
and of his'try will speak?
lots of baggage is borne by this grip!
"
"i roared, ""go for broke, blanche!  you are
at this banquet the ultimate star.
yours carte blanche?any dish,
any drink that you wish!""
(then i had to cart blanche to the car.)
"
"as a victim of circumstance, i
feel no guilt about killing that fly?
though it's hard to believe,
it flew right up my sleeve;
then i scratched at the itch?and that's why.
"
"cinnamaldehyde's scent makes its mark.
it's extracted from cinnamon bark.
have some fun. feed your hon
a sweet cinnamon bun;
let your nose find her lips in the dark!
"
"is the cinephile just the same thing?
though a love for the art they will bring,
some say cinephiles' learning
makes their taste more discerning,
while the cineaste's psyche will sing.
"
"the beautiful photo was bound
in the album that phyllis had found.
there's an eagle in flight,
with the setting sun's light
circumfulgent?it shines all around.
"
"though you're tough and grew up in a shtetl,
seems you fear that a leech might unsettle
your psyche. afraid?
use bdellometers made,
as a substitute leech, out of metal.
"
"college work i approach with passivity,
and for physics i have no proclivity.
i can't study with fury
a rad or a ci?
those units of radioactivity.
"
"""the word cispadane,"" said my friend joe,
""means that something is south of the po.
it is closer to home
from the standpoint of rome;
and to rome all roads go, don't you know!""
"
"in rome, kenny found a memento
in a shop, with a sign: cinquecento.
""what? it's only five cents?""
he exclaimed, ""small expense!
here's a dollar, my man; sei contento?""
"
"my professors all suffer from stuffiness,
while we students are victims of scruffiness.
when i point out this fact,
i find both sides react
with the surly response we call chuffiness.
"
"first you purchased this hunting-gun rack.
now you say that you're bringing it back,
but you've cracked it right through;
there's no refund for you.
i said ceteris paribus, jack!
"
"although born far away (samarkand),
i'm a citizen. please understand
that i won't stand for criticism
of my new yankee citicism.
i'm a patriot, prizing this land.
"
"i'll be needing a loan from my banker.
in my orange grove, now citrus canker
turns each fruit into grunge,
makes each leaf like a sponge;
this infection's a cause of great rancor.
"
"my faith in this town is restored.
after decades of being ignored,
all our dear volunteers
who have worked many years,
for their civism, won an award.
"
"when one sculptures in bronze, one attacks
making casts by the use of lost wax.
what is called cire perdue
is the answer for you
when you cast your bronze plaques, so relax!
"
"you're a stranger from far-distant parts,
and a wizard; you practice black arts.
can you mix me a potion
invoking emotion?
devotion?in young women's hearts?
"
"citrinin?that's stuff found in mold?
is quite toxic to kidneys. i'm told
it's the cause of the balkan
nephropathy?talkin'
of which sets my blood running cold.
"
"he looked, then he said, with a whistle,
""if i don't offer help, that sweet miss'll
lose the whole of her dress
in a cirsium mess!
seems her skirt has been caught on a thistle.""
"
"from the yolk of this egg of a chick, a trickle
of fluid is oozing. i'd pick a trickle
from the spot where it starts
growing embryo parts?
so i hope that it comes from the cicatricle.
"
"""as for circ,"" (and by this time, he's glowing?
his expression both scornful and knowing)
""there is chinese insurance,
investment endurance,
and indoor canadian rowing!""
"
"he looks ghostly, phantasmal, ethereal.
though his genes are from sturdy material,
blood has drained from his face.
love has brought him disgrace;
he's cinereous, frankly funereal!
"
"there's a plant about which my prof banters:
circaea?it's nightshade (enchanter's!).
""have no fear,"" teased doc smedley.
""this nightshade sounds deadly,
but it's not. people grow it in planters.""
"
"i am planning to learn cingalese.
it's a language that's certain to please
when i get to ceylon.
i've depended upon
learning language to travel with ease.
"
"he used to appear so vivacious?
and his appetite? always voracious!
but he's lovesick with passion;
he's skinny and ashen?
so drawn and so gray?cineraceous.
"
"if you like vermicelli for dinner
(spaghetti, but very much thinner),
and ask, ""can i get
some that's skinnier yet?""
you'll find angel hair pasta a winner.
"
"when i'm weaving straw baskets, i yearn
to achieve just the right sort of turn,
so i sweat and i toil
when i'm making a coil
like the circinal frond of a fern.
"
"how our senator speaks? it's absurd.
i've found every last speech that i've heard
circumlocutory, rambling;
in circles he's ambling,
as he tosses in word after word!
"
"we expect, at the airport, inspection,
and they tell us it's done for protection;
but the reason we must
stand in line? it is just:
we'll be nabbed if we try circumvection.
"
"please examine this man for normality;
he's accused of extreme criminality.
in response to a query,
does he talk till you're weary
of minutia? that's circumstantiality.
"
"she took all of us home to her digs,
and she fed us with dainties and figs.
then, i'm sorry to tell,
the circean mam'selle
turned us sailors (you guessed!) into pigs.
"
"""my ambition?"" said sid, ""i ain't wishin'
to study to be a technician.
as a drummer i'll go
house to house and earn dough
in my circumforaneous position.""
"
"i say ""cinnamic,"" you say ""cinnamic""
about cakes on this plate of ceramic,
or my cinnamon buns
(and of those i eat tons)?
not my vinegar, that's called balsamic.
"
"you may think i'm an old fuddy-duddy,
but accept my advice, my young buddy.
you'll keep up with the times
growing lemons and limes?
citriculture's the in thing to study.
"
"the witnesses all circumstantiate
that before the collation began, she ate
all the black caviar
that we'd brought from afar?
every package and jar, every can she ate!
"
"my friend jane very often complains
of a twitch of the eye, and of pains.
she's afraid that a virus
has swelled up her iris,
and it drains into ciliary veins.
"
"since my trips to the movies began,
of the cinema, i'm a great fan.
as a cineaste, i
love all films. i'll get high
on the ones that most critics will pan.
"
"both i and my classmates have been
in a bout with the dean?raised a din.
we are challenging rules,
though we know they're just tools?
circumscriptive, they're reining us in.
"
"when i'm paying my taxes it's clear,
on the form, all my earnings appear:
every cent i receive
new year's day?new year's eve.
it's a span that's called one civil year.
"
"though the prince was conceited and snooty,
he gasped when he saw sleeping beauty.
he bowed and said, ""miss,
i must give you a kiss.
it's required in our realm: civic duty!""
"
"now in prison, he no longer fights,
and the nightmares of grief plague his nights.
though he still draws his breath,
he has undergone death;
civil death means he's lost all his rights.
"
"for the country club, praises resounded
when we heard on an isle it was founded,
but the golf balls we're hitting
fall in water that's sitting
circumfluent. man!?we're surrounded.
"
"ciguatera's a fish-borne condition.
for years i have had the ambition
to discover a cure.
neural symptoms endure;
to relieve them's my ultimate mission.
"
"from each of my journeys i learn;
bring mementos each time i return.
on my latest itinerary
i picked up a cinerary
(filled with ashes, funereal) urn.
"
"we respected our new civic leader,
an intelligent chap, quite a reader.
our esteem soon was tested
when we saw him arrested?
an unlicensed driver, a speeder!
"
"my mom has a brother named harry
who's fearful that if he should marry,
he surely would get
himself bogged down in debt,
since his lifestyle has been cash-and-carry.
"
"being pregnant's a lovely sensation,
but it also can bring aggravation.
as the burden you tote
grows and leads you to bloat,
you've a problem with circumgestation.
"
"the capillary: smallest of tubes
bringing blood to your tarsals or boobs.
red cells from an artery
feed your brain's smartery
(in eggheads, much more than in rubes).
"
"when choosing to hire a detective,
i am cautious, i'm shrewd?circumspective.
i want him to be
careful, prudent, like me?
introspective, perceptive, objective.
"
"individual space we define
by a personal boundary line;
and it tells us who's who?
this is me; that is you.
i'll resist if you violate mine!
"
"my friend ruth said, ""i must tell the truth.
your canine is awfully uncouth!
and so dirty!"" i raved,
""my dog's clean, well behaved!""
but it seems she referred to my tooth.
"
"want to sue? you'll undoubtedly need yer
proof of ownership. yes, that's your deed. ye're
much more likely to win
if, before you begin,
you're an expert in civil procedure.
"
"first i wandered around like a cloud,
then i hollered, ""for cryin' out loud,
here's a daffodil patch?
yellow flowers?well, natch!""
""i'll remember these buggers,"" i vowed.
"
"my assistant complained with a sob,
""too much bumph is involved in this job.
what comes next i can't guess?
there's that stain on your dress?
i can't wipe up your mess.  you're a slob!""
"
"if a man-trap in lappland's a lapp-trap,
and a lure that fries bugs is a zap-trap,
that's important because
it will not give us pause
if for catching applause, there's a claptrap.
"
"unemployed, i am searching for work.
i've applied for a job as a clerk,
but my british friend mark
sneered, ""the job of a clerk,""
(with a smirk) ""is a job for a jerk!""
"
"in light of the terrible fight
i incited last night, i just might
claim that i'm in the right?
you were frightfully tight?
but i'm sorry, repentant, contrite.
"
"macbeth, in a glade, or a clearing,
meets three witches and gives them a hearing.
they address him as thane,
say the crown he will gain;
though he doubts it, the prophecy's cheering.
"
"juicy clementines come in a crate.
these sweet oranges really taste great.
i can eat till i drop;
it's not easy to stop
till i've downed at least seven or eight.
"
"i once knew a generous man
who supported the whole of his clan.
seems he struggled and worked
while his relatives shirked,
and they smirked as they worked on a tan.
"
"my grandmother always would cast a
dark look at my clam sauce and pasta.
""clams are treyf,"" she would yell,
""we will go straight to hell!""
she can't help it; she's kosher?she hasta.
"
"my caddie's a style-conscious lad,
and in trendsetting outfits he's clad,
but the golfers all laughed
when one morning he gaffed
and wore polka dots next to his plaid.
"
"claps of thunder? they may give us pause.
they are loud, and portentous because
they mean lightning's around.
but we relish the sound
of our clapping; we call it applause.
"
"my classmates in college i'm taunting,
economics proficiency vaunting.
the theory of tariff, i
easily clarify,
tax codes, however, are daunting.
"
"in the play at our school, my friend tammy
was given the role of the mammy,
but she trembled in fear
as the first night grew near,
and her hand, when i held it, was clammy.
"
"if of questions you're getting a glut,
you may not want to answer them, but
do not try to outsmart
these two cops from the start.
just clam up?that means keep your mouth shut!
"
"a man fell in love with a clam,
and proposed that they marry.  ""i am
overwhelmed by your shell,
and your gills cast a spell!""
""i'm engaged to a snail,"" she said. ""scram!""
"
"oh, pity the poor carpet beetle!
not a big shot, she's really quite leetle.
and unlike other bugs,
she resides in your rugs,
so she never complains of cold feetle.
"
"i'm worried about my old pal.
he is part of a secret cabal
to install a new leader.
my friend is a bleeder;
let's hope there's no o. k. corral.
"
"the date of your birth makes it clear
you've survived yet another good year,
and your age is one more
than it had been before?
what the hell! happy birthday, my dear!
"
"on her eyelids, a flapper named lily a
lot of makeup applied to her cilia.
she piled on mascara
like the great theda bara,
a symptom of lil's cinephilia.
"
"in our serum, the fat-bearing fraction,
the product of gut chylifaction,
is formed in digestion.
this is, without question,
a most beneficial reaction.
"
"learning cerebral structures? infernal!
this chapter describes the cisternal
sacs in everyone's brain.
though to learn them's a pain,
i am writing their names in my journal.
"
"a problem i've had since my nascence,
my family's complete circumjacence,
was solved one fine day
when i just ran away
and thus ended a lifelong complaisance.
"
"chylomicron: a particle that's
made up, in the main, out of fats,
and the same in all mammals,
from humans to camels?
in bats, and in rats, and in cats.
"
"on our town it's a terrible blight;
it's a practice i think we must fight.
though she's married, you date
this town matron?and mate!
cicisbeism just isn't right!
"
"taming crocodiles? what a sensation!
it must call for extreme dedication.
though their mouths appear smiley,
those creatures are wily
and tend to resist cicuration.
"
"i write poems in full expectation
they'll never enjoy publication,
and when i have died
they will lie by my side?
my cremation and their cineration.
"
"i chew well, as i'm fully dentiferous,
so my stomach is amply chymiferous,
and my bloodstream gets clouded,
with chyle droplets crowded,
conveyed by my vessels (chyliferous).
"
"what is this sensation i feel?
i am reelin', and fixin' to keel
over flat on my bed.
i have vertigo?head
circumrotates, it feels, like a wheel.
"
"my arthritis? it's worse than a cold,
so its treatment, i think, should be bold.
although aspirin's okay,
i prefer, any day,
chrysotherapy?treatment with gold.
"
"the circumesophagal nerves
may be found round the gullet that serves
so an insect can swallow
(through this tube that is hollow)
the food it so richly deserves.
"
"do you wish to aid someone who's ill
with a charm that will cure and not kill?
if you dig santeria
the answer might be: a
botanica might fill the bill.
"
"the historical theory of humors,
important to healthcare consumers,
had explained body woes.
acrimonia, of those,
once was thought to cause illness and tumors.
"
"if you're losing a battle, don't cheat.
you are better off being discreet.
take your marbles and go
without making a show;
calmly, quietly beat a retreat.
"
"as a poet, her writing's artistic;
a melange of romantic and mystic.
and she always prefers,
when the option is hers,
to be known as soignee, belletristic.
"
"""acromicria,"" so the vet said,
and the concept just filled me with dread.
for the growth of the limbs
of my puppy, hope dims,
and it sometimes refers to the head!
"
"in the u.s. (that's my native land),
achromycin's the name of the brand
of the drug tetracycline,
that helped get my eye clean
when microbes infected a gland.
"
"the cecum is down in the gut.
i would show you a photograph, but
seems my last colonoscopy
became a bronchoscopy.
""need a change;"" said my doc, ""in a rut!""
"
"my botany prof often spoke
of his folks' california white oak:
how its acorns, so slim,
were like weapons for him,
so he'd poke all the girls as a joke.
"
"in horatio alger's dime novels
the heroes may come from poor hovels?
poor but dignified, yes,
and hard work through duress
brings success. ragged dick never grovels.
"
"what's a cabiai? animal that
looks a lot like an overgrown rat,
or an overstuffed guinea pig
(not an underweight, skinny pig).
as the world's largest rodent, it's fat!
"
"a carpenter knows about wood
and the tools used to work it.  he should
be adept at all levels
with tenons and bevels;
fine workmanship makes his stuff good.
"
"i was born in the slums of saigon,
but i aim for the chic and bon ton,
so i'm studying fashion
with deeply felt passion
before i put anything on.
"
"authigenesis gave me a shock.
those who study it seek to unlock
how exciting and new
kinds of minerals brew
when you form sedimentary rock!
"
"antismuggling, i often accuse
my old friends who return from a cruise
that concealed marijuana
or cigars from havana
are hidden inside of their shoes.
"
"long ago, they were horses and carriages
in procession to churches for marriages:
cavalcades. and as signs
of the times, now the lines
are of vehicles serviced in garages.
"
"you can caterwaul all that you like,
but i'm not gonna buy you a bike!
i can barely pay rent?
it takes every last cent?
so just pull up your bootstraps and hike!
"
"hand-to-hand combat is tough,
and no weapon is ever enough.
soldiers once used a broadax;
it wasn't a flawed ax,
and swinging it wasn't a bluff.
"
"a knight who was spoiling to kill a
sworn enemy (with a scintilla
of sense) often wore
metal besagues, for
they protected his joints and axilla.
"
"though he's padded, he still has to squat
at home plate, where he often gets hot,
or gets hit (worst of all)
by a bat or a ball?
is the catcher unhappy?  he's not!
"
"the pro wrestler you see on tv,
or a weightlifter, down on one knee?
i would surely expect
that these guys are bull-necked,
but the corps de ballet? no sirree!
"
"here's my microscope, trish. i just wish you
would glance at this slide. there's an issue.
what? the coverslip's cracked?
then these black lines, in fact,
aren't vessels invading the tissue!
"
"to impress a young man of good taste
she wore sapphires and rubies of paste,
but he saw through the foolery
of her best costume jewelry
and he dumped her in haste; what a waste!
"
"as we worked side by side, all in tune,
in the commune, to share was a boon.
then i found she'd her eye
on a good-looking guy?
joined the commune so she could commune.
"
"coleslaw is cabbage that's shredded;
in mayonnaise sauce it's imbedded.
i'll make up a batch
for the archery match
or when out to a picnic i'm headed.
"
"to cleanse means ""to wash,"" or ""to clean.""
ethnic cleansing?today that may mean
not just exile but genocide,
women-and-men-ocide:
cleansing through murder?obscene!
"
"something bilious, like bile, vitriolic,
is cholic, my dear, and not colic.
when your infant just cries
in your arms, where she lies,
that is colic, and colic's no frolic.
"
"his manner's abrupt, and it's thorny.
his jokes? never funny; they're corny,
old and dull, past repair.
he has no savoir-faire.
but what's worst about blair? he's so horny!
"
"i learned back in sunday school class
there are rules for each lad and each lass:
you'll incite needless strife
if you covet his wife,
or you lust for your neighbor's great ass.
"
"he had anchored his boat in a cove.
in this nook of the seashore he dove,
but his head hit the ground;
when they brought him around,
his complexion, by jove, appeared mauve!
"
"the cover-up, massive, not teeny,
directed by nixon, the meanie,
was never complete
(from the head to the feet)
like the one worn above a bikini.
"
"""i'm in love with this element, cerium,""
cried a chemistry student named miriam.
""it is soft and metallic,
decidedly phallic!""
her teacher suspected delirium.
"
"said the wary young lady named mary
who craved a pet bird, ""it's contrary
that none has come up,
though i watered the cup
where i planted the seeds of canary!""
"
"when we buried my father, we had
a cortege that my neighbors thought sad:
ten town drunks bellowed verse
as they followed the hearse?
an appropriate funeral, dad!
"
"my husband just purchased shampoo?
special formula, something quite new.
the result was explosive;
he found it corrosive.
he's bald, red, and itchy. he'll sue.
"
"meeting mason made maisie feel bolder.
""what's your hair color, jackie?"" he told 'er:
""ask my hairdresser ruth.
it was dark in my youth,
but gets lighter as ruthie grows older.""
"
"a contrarian octogenarian
asked for porn from a chary librarian.
she refused and he fussed;
he insisted, ""you must!
i've got rights! i'm a civil libertarian!""
"
"it is true i enjoy eating food.
when i'm sad it can lighten my mood?
but the calorie count,
when i eat, tends to mount,
and my fears of foul fatness intrude.
"
"went fishing and caught me a cero?
an immense one; i felt like a hero.
pulled it up to the barque,
but a nasty old shark
scarfed it down, so that left me with zero.
"
"for his birthday, we try to surprise mick.
""make a wish,"" we command, ""close your eyes, mick.""
then the lake starts to shake?
and the cake?it's a quake!
seems my house and the lake are coseismic.
"
"""we can't seem to decide,"" i complain,
""shall we stay and have lunch with elaine?""
(this green salad, i find,
can help make up our mind,
cos 'twill lettuce decide to romaine!)
"
"a cover girl's face may be seen
on the front of a slick magazine
sold from l.a. to delhi;
and we saw rita's belly
in a film with a kelly called gene.
"
"used to sleep all alone in my bed;
pulled the coverlet over my head,
so my veil was this bedding,
as i dreamed i was wedding.
now i'm wed and sleep double instead.
"
"had a nag, name of madge; she was draggin'
a load in our old covered wagon
cross a quaint covered bridge.
she was bit by a midge
and took off like a flash without flaggin'.
"
"when i tried some at first, 'twas a frolic;
i'm now a confirmed chocoholic.
i can't get enough
of this tasty brown stuff!
is it mental? perhaps metabolic?
"
"the scheme for the heist is covert.
can i trust all you guys not to blurt
out the plan for this job
to the cops or the mob?
if you're silent, then no one gets hurt.
"
"the complaint was not clatter but clutter
that caused my dear husband to mutter,
""are these kids really mine?
all my instincts incline
me to throw out their junk in the gutter.""
"
"social scientists' studies all posit
that from boston to london and oz, it
is not an enigma,
but owing to stigma,
that gay people stay in the closet.
"
"though we clashed?i was rash and quite brash?
in the end, i invested the cash,
but the mine was a flop.
we lost money non-stop,
and our air castle fell with a crash.
"
"in my school was a boy who'd harass
every girl in our self-defense class.
he was sassy and crass,
and made passes en masse
till a lass in a sling put his ass.
"
"caveman dana's inventions brought raves.
his latest was caves within caves;
he invented the closet
and now can deposit
big bucks in the bank where he saves.
"
"from water it clears heavy metals,
and particulate matter it settles.
it can help your blood clot
if you're oozing a lot,
but will not make your skin smooth as petals.
"
"the chittamwood isn't a joke;
it's a tree that delights many folk.
though its leaves may be leathery,
its blossoms are feathery,
so it looks like it's covered in smoke.
"
"to eat breakfast he sat on his spread
while he patted the cat on his bed.
and he ate his toast dry;
do you want to know why?
'cause he didn't like fat on his bread.
"
"i wonder if poets will poke
much fun at the chinquapin oak.
though its leaves are like chestnuts',
it doesn't yield blessed nuts;
the resemblance is mostly a joke.
"
"""what's cabas?  look it up!"" ""since you ask it,
i'll reluctantly take on the task. it
is rush-weaving that
makes a purse that is flat,
or a similar kind of a basket.""
"
"chinchillidae: family name
of some bushy-tailed rodents of fame
for the beautiful fur
that can make a girl purr,
but to kill them for fur, sir? a shame!
"
"the chinchas who lived in peru,
liked to eat little rodents, it's true;
also chinchas, they were
often prized for their fur.
our chinchilla's the mammal they knew.
"
"it is pretty, and yellow?the chinaberry?
but it isn't a snacker- or diner-berry.
don't presume to consume
them; it might spell your doom.
ornamentals? among them no finer berry.
"
"in our e-mail exchanges, his queries
were quite personal; so were his theories.
i meant myob,
but hit b, and so he
just arrived at my door with two beeries.
"
"do you wake up each morning with dread
'cause you're scratching your torso and head?
well, my boy, it's a cinch
you've encountered the chinch,
and that bedbugs reside in your bed.
"
"when mozart composed this fine trio,
he wanted this part played con brio,
but your tempo's too slow?
like molasses?although
it is perfect for o sole mio.
"
"at west point, they had gala cotillions.
both the milit'ry folk and civilians
knew the drill?the quadrille
danced with skill gave a thrill
neath vermilion pavilions worth millions.
"
"my mom is a frequent contestant,
writing slogans and jingles, her best ent-
ry: (first prize it got,
product-naming) snot-not,
for a nasal (you guessed) decongestant.
"
"a hat worn by dorothy hamill
bore a brooch that was made of enamel,
with a camelus    on it.
she was given this bonnet
'cause she looked so damn good in a camel.
"
"they produce a familiar old sound,
and a comforting one, i have found.
when each hour they chime,
our old church bells tell time.
we are happy to have them around.
"
"we're in danger, and my intuition
declares this a risky condition.
run for help? we can try,
but how will we get by
our archenemy's circumposition?
"
"his athletics are so energetic
his pace becomes almost frenetic.
he's thin, and his creed is:
""prevent diabetes!""
his objective is antidiabetic.
"
"he made racist remarks. the press bagged him.
""out of context!"" he cried, when they nagged him.
""that is not what i meant!""
then a shrug from clark kent,
""from the cap of a mushroom we dragged him?""
"
"its gold color, so clear, seems to shine.
i'm so proud of my new vintage wine!
it's got class. here's a glass.
you add ice cubes? how crass!
i won't let you contaminate mine!
"
"i'm certain that no one expects us
to honor the brain's choroid plexus.
its cerebrospinal
(not vaginal?that's final)
secretion of fluid protects us.
"
"first she soothed me until i was calm,
and she spread on my hand a sweet balm,
then she practiced chirology
(or was it psychology?):
told my fortune by reading my palm.
"
"i once knew an aged peruvian.
though old, he was frisky and groovy, an'
he claimed  ""i'm archaic
and antemosaic,
but not really antediluvian.""
"
"bo peep dreams of sheep while she sleeps,
and each sheep keeps on running, then leaps,
and she weeps as it seems
that the field of her dreams
is acervose?it's covered in heaps.
"
"the flamenco troupe struggled with debt;
their star dancer, inez, was upset.
but a wealthy se?or
paid the debts off and more?
he was caught when inez cast a net.
"
"the pain in my paunch seemed mundane?
just a strain??yet i had to complain,
and the right diagnosis
was chronic thrombosis
of my circumflex iliac vein.
"
"playing chess is a difficult thing.
to be honest, i'd rather play ping-
pong or poker. what proves
that i don't know the moves?
i'm confused about castling my king.
"
"a venous anomaly nestles
in my brain, says my doc, so he wrestles
with cineangiography
(moving photography)
showing my cerebral vessels.
"
"""of all the assignments i've had,
i just can't recall any as bad.
they expect me to tote
a one-hundred-pound note!""
said the carrier pigeon, ""they're mad!""
"
"i ambushed a soldier who cried
""i am bush"" (though i'm sure that he lied)
as his capture transpired;
when my buddy inquired,
""are you tired?"" ""i am bushed,"" i replied.
"
"if you look at this stork from the back,
its wings look entirely black,
but its underside's white.
when it stops for a bite,
nature helps it to capture a snack.
"
"my son thinks his limericks are clever,
using mondegreens, puns, and whatever
he assumes will amuse;
but i cannot excuse
that he doesn't rhyme line-ends?no, never!
"
"our children are noisy.  their clatter
makes their dad get as mad as a hatter;
but i calm dad's attacks,
and i tell him, ""relax,
matt, it's normal. their battles don't matter!""
"
"though it's true: those are yours, these are mine,
all our assets we ought to combine
in a lump, to invest
at my uncle's behest?
his uranium mine will do fine.
"
"this winter, for more than a week, a
vacation i'll probably seek?a
good climate, white beaches,
and high mountain reaches.
i'll find them in sweet costa rica.
"
"with my doctor a loud confrontation
engendered extreme consternation.
he'd treated for me a
severe diarrhea,
and now i've acute constipation.
"
"he was struck in the head once again.
his right temple experienced pain,
but the damage to tissue
was more of an issue
on the opposite side of his brain.
"
"in upstate new york there's a swell
university known as cornell.
you can learn computations
or labor relations,
or just how to run a hotel.
"
"no decision.  he's reached a paralysis.
is it best to invest in friend alice's
new boutique to sell beads?
she's a ditz; what he needs
is a thorough cost-benefit analysis.
"
"cousin clyde made his bread as a clammer.
his job didn't offer much glamour,
and for selling poached clams
he was often in jams,
and would spend thirty days in the slammer.
"
"the diet of storks (ciconiidae)
may include certain moths (the arctiidae)?
but a bird of that size,
as it flies through the skies,
needs more calories, thus tries ariidae.
"
"cousin carl is a scot, and he's shifty.
when he calls me a carl, is that nifty?
does he mean i'm not nerdy,
but solid and sturdy?
or a miser who's overly thrifty?
"
"dr. callahan fell for ms. root,
'cause her cardiogram was so cute.
""her pqrst
wave is shapely,"" said he,
""and her body's curvaceous, to boot!""
"
"""for your cataracts, this plant's a killer!
don't grind it to put in a pill,"" her
mom tells her. ""its juice
is the part put to use:
just a drop from a fresh dusty miller.""
"
"though carnassial teeth rip and shear,
and your canines are useful to spear,
and incisors can cut,
when you chew with mouth shut,
it's the grinding of molars you hear.
"
"the cavalry need have no fear,
as each soldier's a carabineer.
they have carbines, and that'll
bring vict'ry in battle
(if the front lines ain't shot by the rear).
"
"when a shark goes out hunting alone
and its prey see it coming, they moan.
no attention is paid
that its skeleton's made
out of cartilage, rather than bone.
"
"i once knew a fellow named blount
who was robbed?i don't know the amount?
by his cpa's views
on whose money was whose;
his accountant he called to account.
"
"if it's cartop, it fits on the roof
of your car, and it's light. here's the proof:
you can drive it about
and your tires won't blow out
in a poof?which would sure be a goof.
"
"are these tiny crustaceans all dopes?
is to float the full scope of their hopes?
they're not all troglodytic;
there are some parasitic?
and that's how a copepod copes!
"
"we were out playing golf when my daughter
asked, ""do you mind casual water?""
i thought, ""lord, will she pee
near the tee? or a tree?
these are not the good manners i taught her!""
"
"the cembra nut tree is swiss pine.
and its resins and nuts??they're both fine.
it's an evergreen tree,
and it always will be
a particular favorite of mine.
"
"my unsociable neighbors (they're spanish)
don't mix with outsiders (they're clannish).
aunt may, the magician,
may change our position?
she says she'll make all of them vanish.
"
"i'm a surgeon.  when lawyers sue me,
they collect a contingency fee?
take a third of what's won.
if in my field 'twere done?
patient dies? then the surgery's free.
"
"i was much too dependent on jack
for keeping my thesis on track.
now nothing can save me;
the notes that he gave me
he purposely wrote black-on-black!
"
"i have medical training.  i am
getting set for my big board exam.
mustn't act like a ham,
or they'll think i'm a sham.
if i don't pass the oral, i'll scram.
"
"life is tough when you're running a store.
people may owe you money. what's more,
some use credit. that might
make your cash flow too tight.
then your business will crash through the floor.
"
"horny cowboys ride into a cow town.
""is this burg a good liquor-and-chow-town?
are there brothels galore
and saloons by the score?""
""no. it's more like a holier-than-thou town!""
"
"if i name a particular date,
calendarial seems like a straight-
forward way to express it.
calendric? i guess it
will do; it's confusion i hate!
"
"she is beautifully coiffed, grandly gowned,
as she circulates?walking around.
then i bow, nice and deep;
she says, ""beat it, ya creep!""
my dismay, you'll discern, is profound.
"
"as a  suitor, you shouldn't reject
the concept of cause and effect.
if you try to connect
without proper respect,
the girl's father will see that you're decked.
"
"a man fell in love with a cow,
and implored, ""will you marry me now?""
she replied with a moo,
as most bovines will do,
and he found it a beautiful vow.
"
"cassie bass, intellectual lass,
all her fellows in school would surpass.
our instructors were smitten
with her papers, well-written,
so cassie was first in her class.
"
"while the sound of a clock is a tick,
and the sound of a lock is a click,
once a jock did a trick:
split a rock with a stick.
what a knock! (thought he'd click with a chick.)
"
"in this city i'm known as a hick,
so i'll never be part of a clique.
just observe how i speak:
i can't even say ""clique.""
guess my tongue is too thick to be slick.
"
"every time that i walk past the school
i attended (attired like a fool),
i recall the short skirt
that i wore as a flirt?
looking hot as i tried to look cool.
"
"caveman dana, inventor, is prone
to have daydreams when left on his own.
""my next job is precise:
i'll add berries to ice
which i'll serve in a conical stone.""
"
"i have a large collie named boo.
there are many fine tricks she can do,
but the hardest of all
is ""let go of the ball""
(when she's fetched it, to drop in on cue).
"
"yale and harvard and princeton are colleges,
where the smart people go seeking knowledges.
what?  is ""knowledge"" correct?
well, what do you expect?
that this author would offer apologes?
"
"from the cockatrice monster (one known
from the egg of a cock to have grown;
not a hen or a goose), a
curse comes, like medusa?
one look and it turns you to stone!
"
"since i've scrubbed down this filthy shebeen,
you will have to agree that it's clean?
not a germ or a spore
on the tables or floor,
and i trust there's no dust to be seen.
"
"cosmopolites? they've savoir-faire.
on the beach at bonaire they go bare.
at a gala in wales
males wear white ties and tails;
and the females? a rose in their hair.
"
"there's a waterfowl paddling upon
our small pond. it seems pallid and wan.
with a head like a goose
and a duck-like caboose,
it's a white coscoroba-type swan.
"
"he's a con man; he lives by his wits.
against yours, his astuteness he pits.
he convinces you soon
you will be a tycoon,
then he chews you to bits; then he spits.
"
"a color's a tint or a hue,
like magenta, cerise, or ecru.
if there's color, 'tis said,
in your cheeks, 'twill be red;
if you're freezing, your lips will be blue.
"
"mother nature placed corn on a cob,
and to eat it's a god-awful job.
as you bite, kernels squirt
down the front of your shirt.
globs of butter drip too.  you're a slob.
"
"colorado's a beautiful state.
it has mountains with views that are great.
in the winter it's chill;
you can ski down a hill.
apr?s-ski's better still; don't be late!
"
"my mother is broke. i suspect
it's the passion she has to collect.
she buys fine figurines
priced above her sparse means;
the obsession will have to be checked.
"
"when i'm rich (at the moment, i'm poor),
i'll indulge in expensive couture.
my couturier, che,
i will visit each day,
buying clothing while sipping liqueur.
"
"after days of intense contemplation,
he addressed the entire congregation
with a dull combination
of thoughts, the cessation
of which brought the group's commendation.
"
"with the enemy's full capitulation
came the following clarification:
the army's commander
refuted the slander
that he coveted canonization.
"
"i'm fixing a chinese collation,
and i plan to cook green vegetation,
but considering meat
is what folks like to eat,
beef and broccoli's my combination
"
"my confusion with language is growing.
i don't know if i'm coming or going.
rules? exceptions??they fill
all my gray matter till
my poor head wants to burst from not knowing.
"
"halley's comet is seen in the skies
on the day that he opens his eyes.
it is seen once again
in the life of mark twain
on the day that the great writer dies.
"
"said a bloke who was sad and would mope,
""broke my microscope, joe; i can't cope.""
""there's no lens left in mine,
but mike ross's is fine,""
i replied, ""try the zeiss mike ross scope!""
"
"comic fields had a large bulbous nose?
from imbibing too much, i suppose.
it wasn't echthyma,
just plain rhinophyma:
his copper nose, red as a rose.
"
"my health plan's unhealthy.  you'll see
that its charges are steep as can be.
when my doctor i visit,
i wonder why is it
the copay is more than his fee.
"
"tucked inside his cuirass, underneath,
was a dagger enclosed in a sheath.
at its tip was a chape
that was cast in the shape
of some grape leaves arranged in a wreath.
"
"new york city's a major metropolis;
and, indeed, one might say ""megalopolis.""
many cultures, diverse,
mean new yorkers can curse
in twelve languages?that's a cosmopolis.
"
"my cousin makes noise when he chews;
that i find it disgusting's not news.
can i choose a response?
i won't feign nonchalance.
such behavior i just can't excuse.
"
"the ciconia ciconia: stork
that brings babies to london and cork,
but it's not transatlantic.
in the states the romantic
obstetrician births babes in new york.
"
"this potentially fatal disease
spreads from one to another with ease.
known as charbon, it can
blight both livestock and man,
so take care of your herds, if you please.
"
"my kid cousin has hatched several plots
for producing and selling shallots;
but i made a request?
that before i invest,
i insist that his dad call the shots.
"
"bonnie thought it was rather ironic;
he had promised her joy supersonic.
""with my secret technique
we will reach passion's peak!""
but his loving was flatly canonic.
"
"sam clemens?his pen name: mark twain?
had a style that was folksy and plain,
but his tom, huck, and jim
have lived long after him;
in our hearts they will always remain.
"
"my first job was a bust?shelling peas.
now i make a few bucks selling cheese.
""you're so good with an ax,""
said my great-uncle max,
""you'd live snug as a bug felling trees.""
"
"this congressional candidate's vying
for office.  it seems that he's trying
to make himself seem
like a man to esteem?
he's a perfect case study in lying.
"
"i thought, ""how unlucky you are!""
as the cowhand, who strummed his guitar,
sang, ""i once was a ploughboy,
but now i'm a cowboy,
the loneliest man in the bar.""
"
"despised by both sides, life was worse, oh,
when isaac became a converso.
never trusted again?
his conversion brought pain
back in long-ago spain. how he'd curse, oh!
"
"we were treated with great cordiality;
seems our host had a warm personality?
but long before dawn
all our money was gone.
we were fooled by his fake hospitality.
"
"to the censors he went, cap in hand,
""i'll rewrite any scene on demand.
i'll remove, for my betters,
all words with four letters?
but i pray that my play won't be banned!""
"
"four-leaf clovers, they say, are good luck.
i've found many, but never been struck
by a lottery win
or bequest from my kin,
so when pigeons fly over, i duck!
"
"once quite flat, now my bosom's convex?
that's a trait of my feminine sex.
by the end of the year
i may need a brassiere.
if you see him, please don't tell my ex.
"
"though some nepalese smoke (quite a few),
chomping chiclets ain't trendy, it's true;
but a cat-sitter from
katmandu loves his gum.
though few nepalese chew, katmandu!
"
"i am dating a fellow named gus
who complains that i make too much fuss.
if he lights a cigar
when we ride in his car,
i take carfare and wait for the bus.
"
"from the pelt of a wolf-like coyote
he fashioned an indian dhoti.
it might have looked dandy
on mohandas k. gandhi,
but he made it for truman capote.
"
"in olden days, gents wore a codpiece
hung down from their britches. this pod-piece
would call folks' attention
to parts i can't mention?
as fashion, a doubtlessly odd piece.
"
"each chanteuse, be she diva or hack,
may well hope she'll some day have a claque.
for a minimum wage,
when she steps out onstage,
they will howl, like the wolves in a pack.
"
"from a cape known to captains of boats
came these rare and unusual goats.
gloves were made from their hides;
other products besides.
now they're just one of history's notes.
"
"the wound on your forearm revealed
that your doc put in stitches and sealed
the immense gaping cleft
his excision had left.
when it's cicatrized?then 'twill be healed.
"
"come to town on a pony (cayuse),
bruce intended to work out a truce
between farmers and cattlemen.
heck, what a battle! men
warned, ""bruce, you'd better vamoose!""
"
"when we use the word carib, we name
a tribe that's no longer the same.
seems its family tree
round the shores of the sea
has been pruned since the westerners came.
"
"i've tried very hard to determine
if our pastor's my true cousin german,
but he won't let me see
his full family tree?
so each sunday i sulk at his sermon.
"
"""i was kidding.  now don't lose your grip!
you are smart, and your cheese dip's got zip.
you're an expert with cheese.
don't walk out on me, please!""
""you're a drip,"" she replied, ""i'll jump ship!""
"
"iron blue, when it's mixed with chrome yellow,
makes a color i wouldn't call mellow.
its name is chrome green;
it's the brightest i've seen,
but it's not used to color your jell-o.
"
"when he moved, my best friend said, ""oh man!
with this cargo, i doubt that i can
make my truck-sized old car go.
i'll call an embargo
and put no more stuff in my van.""
"
"i can't think of anything nicer
than hummus that's made from the cicer;
for a meal it is hip,
or a dip with a chip;
this chickpea's a potent enticer.
"
"is your decking concave or convex?
are its surfaces wavy, complex?
they'll be made right as rain
with my circular plane
and its action in finishing decks.
"
"when he's out with melissa, he necks.
""are we there? are you ready?"" he checks.
but she stops with a kiss,
says, ""no farther than this.
i will not have consensual sex!""
"
"where i work, there's a game?dice are tossed,
and i joined it at very great cost.
seems whenever i played,
with the rules that they made,
they would reach a consensus: i'd lost.
"
"the firm has a new cfo.
comptroller? controller? don't know!
is he likely to con,
or to comp later on?
either way, he'll be taking our dough.
"
"at work there are times when i savor
the brown-nosing fellows.  their flavor
of a brownie points quest
marks them out from the rest?
they're the guys who are currying favor.
"
"barney beer is in love, it appears,
with a girl who wears d-cup brassieres.
but, apart from her breast,
the parts barney likes best
are her conchae: her dear outer ears.
"
"to study my bones with photography,
i'll undergo cineradiography.
the film, fluoroscopic,
may become a hot topic,
but i doubt it will rate as pornography.
"
"our foes sent a cartload of spies
who dispersed in civilian disguise.
invading headquarters,
they mixed up our orders?
we received twenty cartloads of ties.
"
"for vacations, we used to drive far;
all the family piled in the car.
now we no longer travel?
our trips all unravel
since carsickness struck. how bizarre!
"
"deep in your skull, and also in mine,
is an outgrowth that's called alar spine.
from the sphenoid arises
this spine?no surprises?
it's buried, and that suits me fine!
"
"tom pratt had a spat with a wombat
that has grown to a life-and-death combat.
now tom wishes i'd step in
with his favorite weapon:
an exploding shillelagh?his bomb-bat.
"
"i made an attempt to conceal
that i noticed her steamy appeal,
but she made me confess
that i'd looked down her dress.
those bazooms she possessed were surreal!
"
"my grandmother asked about fred.
""he's a con artist, grandma,"" i said.
""i'm so glad; i applaud
the fine arts!""?she seemed awed.
""he's a fraud (just an artist in bed).""
"
"i addressed the entire congregation.
i was focused and spoke of creation,
then i seemed quite insane?
said that abel killed cain?
i'm confused when i lose concentration.
"
"cosmocampus: it sounds like a place
for a college located in space.
to enroll?that's my wish.
what? it's some kind of fish?
like a plaice? sheesh! there's egg on my face!
"
"caveman dana unveiled his creation:
a flat stone that had circumrotation
on an axis. ""i feel,
once i patent the wheel,
i'll cash in on this spinning sensation.""
"
"i plan to prepare an anthology
of lectures explaining cosmology
to insure that my progeny
will study cosmogeny?
our cosmos, but not through theology.
"
"paula's poetry's lacking congruity.
line-to-line, there is no continuity.
in line one she has comets;
line two: why she vomits;
line three: her acoustic acuity.
"
"by this word of two meanings i'm struck.
first, a person who's dumb is a cluck.
after that the plot thickens:
this word used by chickens
is greek to a goose or a duck.
"
"i fear he will conquer my heart.
if it's conquered, he'll tear it apart.
if i cave and give in?
let the conqueror win?
i will not have been terribly smart.
"
"we are neighbors. our homes' contiguity
would lend friendship a nice continuity,
but the stories he shares
of his many affairs
make me shun him. i hate promiscuity!
"
"cheech gives lots of advice, but i'm wary.
when the mob loses money, it's scary.
now our non-sexist don
has decided upon
making mary our new consigliere.
"
"all his chapters display continuity,
each describing extreme promiscuity?
all his kristies and katies,
from his teens to his eighties,
in detail and without ambiguity.
"
"without fanfare?no guile or pretense?
this plain limerick i've tried to commence,
so i've started with meter
that's neat, rhyme that's sweeter,
but now i'm not sure it makes sense.
"
"he runs faster than i, with more speed,
and can lift much more weight, i concede;
but in matters of love
i still tower above
the poor musclehead jock?yes indeed!
"
"i'm preparing for danger and strife.
i have purchased a large bowie knife.
though i'd never attack,
if i had to fight back,
i sure hope it would help save my life.
"
"he wears earrings.  all over his poncho
are spangles of silver.  each concho
has his portrait.  that's how
on this huge garbage scow
you can tell that the hombre's head honcho.
"
"in my mind, there is nothing abstracter
than a nuclear-power reactor.
its construction, i hear,
is quite safe; but my fear?
china syndrome?the ultimate factor.
"
"two wardens i plan to appoint
to this jailhouse, and both i'll anoint.
the damned lockup's so gruesome,
i'm hoping this twosome
can manage the prison (conjoint).
"
"they are found at the top of your chest,
up above heart and lungs and the rest.
they are clavicles. you
call them collarbones too.
between shoulder and sternum they rest.
"
"he awoke with bare legs; he was floored.
his pajama pants fell; how untoward!
then his wife searched the bed.
it was under the spread,
so she said, ""i have found the lost cord!""
"
"potent people have no need to shout.
their positions provide them with clout.
others heed what they say
and indeed will obey;
that's what personal power's about.
"
"i hope i will not have to flash a
lot of cash when i drive through circassia.
the place i'll be in,
i suspect, must have been
the domain of an ottoman pasha.
"
"cisalpine (the name shows no change
over centuries): part of the range
called the alps; it's the section
faced south. its direction
is pointing to rome.  that's not strange.
"
"there are two little boys in the park
who remind me of lewis and clark.
the outdoors they explore,
but they're just six and four,
so they're always back home before dark.
"
"dana's first to speak out on the plights
of the victims of animal rites.
(he invented the horse
and made millions, of course.)
now for animal rights dana fights.
"
"its genus is citrus, this fruit;
reticulata's its species to boot.
the word orange won't rhyme,
so i won't waste my time?
but the mandarin orange? a beaut.
"
"raise your eyes to the skies; as you gaze,
you won't see cosmic rays in the haze.
they arrive from the place
that is called outer space;
some are strays and they go their own ways.
"
"caveman dana designed a new hat
for his wife.  it engendered a spat.
""i feel awkward and gauche
in this chiseled stone cloche.
it's a bowl for the cat, and that's that!""
"
"caveman dana was brought to his knees
by his latest invention: a cheese
from the milk of great woolly
she-mammoths. he'd fully
expected to milk them with ease!
"
"caveman dana's inventions would shock.
once he fashioned a timepiece from rock.
dripping water filled up,
twice a day, a stone cup,
and he'd shout, ""now it's one cup o'clock!""
"
"dana's cavedaughter deigned to remark,
""dad, our dim, dingy  cave needs a spark!""
""it's a problem i'll handle?
i'll cook up the candle
so you won't go on cursing the dark.""
"
"caveman dana invented a clutch
for his motors, and engines, and such.
as he'd not yet invented
the engine he'd meant it
to work with, it wasn't worth much.
"
"i've been seeking my cow with chagrin,
searching everywhere, scratching my chin,
asking, ""where would a cow hide?""
and, ""why hide?"" and, ""how hide?""
she thinks that i'm after her skin!
"
"lost my wallet; it feels like a curse.
all my money is gone, but it's worse
that no mugger or thief
is the cause of my grief?
seems i need a new clasp on my purse.
"
"we have no written bylaws?it's strange;
but my lawyer can quickly arrange
to collect and to codify
rules we can modify
later?they're subject to change.
"
"his presence can make my head spin,
and i calefy, kindling within.
all my words seem to jumble;
i mumble and stumble.
no wumble he heats up my skin!
"
"approaching the mike, he was noteless,
unprepared, quite disheveled, and coatless.
in his shirtsleeves he spoke,
but he seemed high on coke?
so as candidate, oakley was voteless.
"
"from the senate of rome's secretariat,
the old consul arrived in a chariot.
distribution of rations
was one of his passions?
he inspected the troops' commissariat.
"
"my cousin, the late comrade harriet,
ran the soviet's bread commissariat
that inspected each bakery
for graft, fraud, and fakery;
she was loved by the whole proletariat.
"
"the word charis means ""one of the graces.""
any one of the three it embraces.
when they're painted, i take it,
they're often shown naked,
with two of them showing their faces.
"
"the prospector's name was frank james,
and he jumped many other men's claims.
he was roundly defeated
when a guy whom he'd cheated
persisted in calling him names.
"
"a carnauba's a tree in brazil.
it's a palm tree whose fronds form a frill.
it yields wax, useful for
adding shine to my floor,
or my car?both the body and grille.
"
"i would say to my friend blk
that i'm not what he seeks to portray.
i'm not limerick-addicted
as his limerick depicted,
and his ""doc, heal thyself""? a clich?!
"
"""loved our date!"" i said, ""please tell me when
you would like me to call you again.""
""ring my cell phone. it's often
right there, in my coffin?
but i sleep until sunset.  call then.""
"
"my friend bernie, though bright, as a rule,
is ejected from classes at school.
he's a cut-up; each joke
makes us laugh till we choke,
but his clownishness brands him a fool.
"
"when i'm sleeping, i'm visiting cloudland;
that's the here-i-can-always-be-proud land.
in my dreams i fly high;
they're my pie in the sky.
it's the try-it-all-here-it's-allowed land.
"
"a boy took a bus to the mall
to buy a new bat and a ball,
but on bus fare he spent
nearly every last cent,
so he window-shopped?poor pauper paul.
"
"my friend lee, who's as bright as can be,
used cladistics to draw up a tree.
now his cladogram shows
how our species arose,
though it hasn't a focus on me.
"
"a prison is meant to confine
those who've crossed the thin boundary line
of what's legal or not.
now those felons have got
only water and bread when they dine.
"
"the contract you wrote's full of flaws.
i'm confused?it has given me pause.
though i'll give it a try
i am not sure that i
can accept the insanity clause.
"
"from the hospital, mom wrote a letter.
her health is improved; she feels better.
my reply will not say
that my dad ran away;
i'm afraid that the news would upset her.
"
"in anatomy class, doctor gibbs
said the cartilage joining your ribs
to your sternum is costal.
my classmates were hostile?
considered it one of his fibs.
"
"the beliefs of my father, a deist,
had seemed of theology freest,
till my friend told me his:
the whole universe is
what he worships. his faith's cosmotheist.
"
"could a cod think it odd that his bod,
chopped in pieces and tilled in the sod
with the aid of a plow,
yields the cud of a cow,
in a cod's contemplation of god?
"
"they were graces; the greeks called them charites.
they shunned all the current vulgarities.
for their looks, cheer, and mirth,
to the ends of the earth
they enjoyed unalloyed popularities.
"
"he's a bolshie, my former friend fred?
a card-carrying commie, a red,
an admirer of lenin.
you'd need antivenin
to clear these ideas from his head.
"
"a church-going methodist, burt
has decided, at last, to convert.
his fiancee, it's true,
is a convert (a jew).
""guess i'll be a jew too?couldn't hurt!""
"
"after fighting the fire, we drooped,
viewing large burnt-out buildings, all grouped
round the quad, on the campus.
our failure will stamp us
as losers, burnt-out and just pooped!
"
"when the doctor examined my lesion,
his logic was purely cartesian:
""since you think (thus you are),
use this salve from afar?
it's jakartan, and thus indonesian.""
"
"cleopatra reached out for the asp,
said, ""this beast to my breast i will clasp.""
""farewell, egypt!"" she cried
with a gasp. then she died,
and at last the snake fell from her grasp.
"
"though they're usually hidden from sight,
i can hear crickets chirp every night,
and the noise that they make
always keeps me awake,
so i don't get to sleep till it's light.
"
"i am putting on weight, and it shows.
i can no longer fit in my clothes.
now i model for classes
in drawing large masses.
the teacher requests: ""add a pose!""
"
"clair voyant sashayed down the street.
she'd foreseen that a man she would meet,
but each guy she could see
had his own esp?
every one of them beat a retreat.
"
"when it rains on the day your parade
has been planned, a decision is made.
don't bother the chancellor,
as i'll be the canceller;
for giving bad news i am paid.
"
"back in law school we didn't use books.
our professors gave texts dirty looks,
and our system's whole basis
was studying cases?
we learned from the hookers and crooks!
"
"in the myths, you're queen cassiopeia;
in the bible, you're rachel or leah;
in the great siva gita
a lady named sita?
but none of us mortals can see ya.
"
"some think marijuana should be
the intoxicant used for a spree
and enjoyed with one's chums.
from cannabinol comes
what accounts for its high: thc.
"
"although folks like to make a connection
between him and caesarean section,
caesar came to this earth
via vaginal birth;
so say experts by way of correction.
"
"my friends all maintain i'm jejune.
are they saying i sing out of tune?
no, it's all about shallowness?
juvenile callowness.
(well, heck! i'm a baby baboon!)
"
"in your note, i was secretly bidden
to a meeting, clandestine and hidden?
to an amorous tryst.
do you think i'd resist?
and i'd miss being kissed? are you kiddin'?
"
"will carotenoids eaten each day
keep the need for an eye doc away?
my aunt fanny alleges,
""if you eat yellow veges,
they'll turn into vitamin a.""
"
"three conspirators joined in collusion
to create, on the roadways, confusion.
they made a decision
to cause a collision,
and laughed as it reached its conclusion.
"
"now she's dating a guy named andr?,
who behaves in a courteous way,
throwing amorous looks,
so she sings while she cooks
him a lusciously light cheese souffl?.
"
"i'm confused?sometimes sad or aggressive,
so folks think i'm a manic-depressive,
but they've got it turned round.
my psychiatrist found
that i'm just a compulsive obsessive.
"
"this wound on your arm is a mess,
and the blood is still flowing. i'd guess
that this compress is what
will help the blood clot?
press it hard, so the flesh will compress.
"
"i once shared an office i used
with a coworker whom i accused:
""you're not pulling your weight.
get here early; work late!""
""i'm abused,"" he replied, and refused.
"
"on parole, now i've got a clean slate,
and my actions will forge a clean fate.
i'll appreciate what
through my labors i've got?
after eating, i'll leave a clean plate.
"
"after hunting for fox and for beaver,
my daughter came down with q fever.
coxiella plays tricks
when you're bitten by ticks;
when she told me, i didn't believe 'er.
"
"the old barnstormers cried with despair,
""we've no longer the stomach to scare
folks with spirals and dives
that endanger our lives,
just for air shows we give at the fair.""
"
"in romania, ukraine, and in greece,
there is music that's bound to increase
your delight and your pleasure
in ways beyond measure:
the cimbalom, played without cease.
"
"i have a good buddy named bart.  he
is not very much of a smarty.
expecting a bash
(booze and music and hash),
he is joining the communist party.
"
"hybrid mix (whether girl-dog or boy-dog),
rex is not what we'd label a ""toy dog,""
but this brute gets my vote?he,
half dog, half coyote,
is a critter best known as a coydog.
"
"brooke had asked me to cowrite the book,
and great care with the writing i took.
on the page proofs that came
there was only one name;
i discovered that brooke was a crook.
"
"i fear, from that pungent aroma,
that our neighbor is not in a coma.
not unconscious in bed,
he is probably dead.
both his psyche's kaput, and his soma.
"
"i think capitalism's defective;
all ownership should be collective.
don't say i'm simplistic;
i'm just communistic?
a socialist state's my objective.
"
"my ego's gigantic, colossal,
though i'm outwardly gentle and docile.
as my coffin they bear,
will my grandkids declare,
""there's a sweet but conceited old fossil""?
"
"when i call out the workers, it's cruel,
but they join me on strike, as a rule.
if a blackguard should harm me,
don't call out the army?
i'll call out the cad for a duel.
"
"citrus maxima grows out in asia.
its name's grandiose, and may faze ya.
the fruits that it bears
are much larger than pears?
more like grapefruits?that shouldn't amaze ya.
"
"his rebuff has just stuck in my mind,
and i can't seem to put it behind
me. my wife says i'm nuts,
with no if's, and's, or but's,
thinks i'm looking for axes to grind.
"
"i just noticed, my dear, that you have in
your hand both a match and a bavin.
as i'm tied to the tree,
i am eager to see
if you plan to set fire to this savin.
"
"in your trousers you'll find his big paw.
he's a cacogen, breaking the law.
he is picking your pocket,
which may be a shock.  it
may end with a punch in the jaw.
"
"got this chemistry set?man, it's neat!
this reaction is nearly complete.
though i doubt it has symmetry,
i'll try calorimetry
to see if it generates heat.
"
"celebrities sometimes anoint
an establishment we'd call a joint.
famous helen of troy
enjoys troy's hoi polloi,
down at paris's pub (case in point).
"
"i was passing a dark, gloomy spot.
was it pleasant? no, certainly not!
then a boggard emerged?
my adrenaline surged,
and i hotfooted out like a shot.
"
"till today he was wearing a crown,
but the king, from his throne, was cast down.
now he's downcast; he's blue,
feeling bad (wouldn't you?)
and instead of a crown wears a frown.
"
"in the rockies, and famous worldwide,
is the great continental divide.
there, at nature's behest,
waters flow east or west.
which way's west? guess i'll hire a guide.
"
"in my youth i knew several chaps
who played dice games all day with no gaps?
rolled the bones, no regrets,
with continuous bets?
wasted all of their time shooting craps.
"
"their adherence to law remained strict?
and the jury's decision? convict!
but the convict now claims
that the panel of dames
from a group of his peers wasn't picked!
"
"at the fete at the henley regatta
i fear i'm persona non grata.
my chihuahua turned hellish
and ate all the relish?
our hostess's famed caponata!
"
"though you're slim and your abdomen's flat,
when you visit g.b., notice that
chocolate ice cream's delicious?
but please be suspicious,
as choc-ice will make you grow fat.
"
"as a salesman, my son's energetic;
house to house, he is peripatetic,
but in spite of laborious,
circulatorious
selling, his income's pathetic.
"
"said eve after adam's costotomy,
""though a rib doesn't seem like a lot t' me,
you do nothing but moan
for your stupid old bone.
are you sure it was not a lobotomy?""
"
"the name of this tribe made me squeal; a
quick toast i drank down in tequila.
now i've sent them a plea, ""uh,
can your name, the cahuilla,
be pronounced so it's rhyming with sheila?""
"
"the crowd in your waiting room's swell,
and i'm sure you take care of them well.
as your clientage comes
from both suburbs and slums,
i would guess you've a mixed clientele.
"
"my husband and i often bicker.
our clashes come quicker and thicker.
do our relatives vex?
do we fight about sex?
no, tv?the remote control clicker.
"
"in the loo, lottie sat on the pot.
some things pleased her and others did not.
while the cottony paper
was soft?wouldn't scrape her?
the cold tap would often run hot.
"
"taking quinine for several years,
nowadays i've developed some fears.
i fear cinchonism?yes,
it may lead to distress.
i'll go nuts from the ring in my ears!
"
"congo's government fell to a coup.
seems the news story's just coming through,
and the newsman's a stupe.
he's pronouncing it ""coop.""
shouldn't titter at that?but i do.
"
"""hark, hark! i detect a loud tone, a
kind of ringing?i think it's the phone,"" a
puzzled fellow named mark
says. he's quite in the dark
about jesuit's bark; that's cinchona!
"
"when my shoat's eating swill at his trough,
and it sticks in his throat, he will cough.
if he chokes on it, though,
it may cost me some dough?
that is tough enough. man, i'm pissed off!
"
"i bought carpeting for my front hall.
when the workmen arrived to install
it, they gave me a scare,
'cause the floor was left bare.
they were carpeting right up the wall!
"
"a bever's a snack and, by gosh,
it is hardly a meal that is posh.
as a verb, the word bever
means ""snack"" (ain't that clever?).
the word means ""a nosh"" or ""to nosh.""
"
"if you don't think that bland food is nice,
and you can't live on simple steamed rice,
if boiled carrots and fish
aren't your favorite dish,
try some condiments?they will add spice.
"
"milady was hit on the head
as she breastfed her baby in bed.
the resulting contusion
caused endless confusion?
she suckled the butler instead.
"
"the boys in the band took a hand
in producing an x-rated band
for their record, which was
banned in boston.  the fuzz
with the band on his arm got them canned.
"
"if ever you travel down under,
the gardens will thrill you like thunder.
their banksia bowers
of bottlebrush flowers
will fill you with joy and with wonder.
"
"the beta receptors are found
in the ans, scattered around.
there adrenalin acts,
making bronchi relax,
but the heart will speed up and will pound.
"
"this message may sound reverential,
but it's meant to be crucial, essential.
it contains the potential
for insights sequential?
but oops! the darned thing's confidential.
"
"coney island's in brooklyn, i'd say,
yet in singapore, so far away,
there's an island whose name
is exactly the same,
and in ireland there's one (sligo bay).
"
"on the heels of my feet i have calluses
from delivering cartons of chalices.
you say calyces, alix?
that's the plural of calyx,
not goblets i bring to the palaces!
"
"a nimrod named rollo went solo
to capture a wild colocolo.
he returned bearing batches
of bruises and scratches.
""i'm safer,"" he said, ""playing polo.""
"
"i think i have figured out why
they prefer to live nearer the sky?
whether old amerindian
or today's rawalpindian?
all cliff dwellers like to live high.
"
"he's subservient?licks his chief's boot,
and his clientage ought to bear fruit;
but the clienthood he
lives with wouldn't please me.
the dependency never would suit.
"
"i was hoping we'd reach an accord,
but instead i feel wholly ignored,
as i'm pressing my claim
with the navy. i blame
the ennui of the admiralty board.
"
"anatomical facts may constrain us;
we have only one rectum to pain us.
with your hemorrhoids, you
wouldn't care to have two,
but i guess you are glad we're bimanous.
"
"if in politics i come across
a latin american boss,
that's caciquism, and
if it gets out of hand,
i'm afraid it's the continent's loss.
"
"the canaanites: one of the tribal
designations we read in the bible.
the people of canaan
stayed put. by remainin',
to the hebrews' attack they were liable.
"
"""this computer i have is a pip.
it decrypts with a fast clipper chip,""
said my son who's a nerd.
answered gramps, who'd mis-heard,
""it's a trip on the last clipper ship?""
"
"in art class, bart suffered behindness.
the prof let him pass out of kindness.
math and science bart aced,
but in art was disgraced?
a result of severe color blindness.
"
"you won't find it in far patagonia,
or a ghetto in new caledonia?
guess your chances are best
in the u.s. southwest?
there you'll find a latino colonia.
"
"if your toes always itch at a meet,
use a remedy?neat and discreet.
clioquinol's the stuff,
if you use it enough,
that ensures you have sweet athlete's feet.
"
"my internist claims expertise
in the field of communicable disease.
his credentials are these:
he has several degrees.
and he doesn't look pleased when i sneeze.
"
"""she knew everyone's name in the band.
how'd she do it? i don't understand!""
said my puzzled pal emery,
""does she have a great memory?""
(no, the clipboard she held in her hand.)
"
"cleopatra once ruled on the nile,
and her figure was shapely?high style.
it would sure be a pleasure
if those curves i could measure.
cliometrics? the thought makes me smile.
"
"what was cordite, and what was its mission?
it was used to ignite ammunition.
it was part of the lore
of the second world war?
but no more does it cause demolition.
"
"the arachnid sits down right beside her
in hopes she'll allow him to guide her.
will this slick cobweb weaver
seduce and deceive her?
who knows? he's a comb-footed spider!
"
"look at stars in the night? that's astroscopy.
study fingerprints? that's dactyloscopy.
seeing somebody who
seems outside, but is you?
out of body sensation?autoscopy.
"
"they're mushrooms of medium height,
and their colors are bright, or pure white.
this bizarre coral fungus,
is common among us.
is it branched like a coral? yes, quite!
"
"this new outfit i bought? congolese,
made of palm leaves from neckline to knees.
it is part of my passion
for up-to-date fashion.
(i'm shunning the breeze lest i sneeze.)
"
"my aunt marnie went out to the barn
to embroider with candlewick yarn,
and she made us a spread
meant to cover our bed?
but she made it triangular?darn!
"
"caveman dana has tools made of stone,
and his core tools he makes on his own.
as he chips away flakes
from the stone core, he makes
a fine axe that's much sharper than bone.
"
"a nonsensical, ludicrous word?
maybe codswallop. yes, it's absurd!
it means ""nonsense""?what fun!
i'll be sure not to shun
such great codswallop! it is preferred!
"
"your commorancy? that's where you dwell,
either always or just for a spell.
it's the place that a court
calls your commorance, mort?
the old shack that you're trying to sell.
"
"gus was livid; he fumed and he fussed.
how disgustingly loudly he cussed
in profuse purple prose!
as his temperature rose,
i was certain that gus would combust.
"
"i muse: could i ever attach
to an informal group (coffee klatsch)
where we'd sit round and drink
cups of coffee in sync,
trading gossip and plans that we'd hatch?
"
"the cowardly lion's great bane
was his cowardice. thus he'd remain
till the wizard of oz
made him fearless because
a medallion was pinned to his mane.
"
"growing facial hair (not from a gene) 'll
make her look rather shifty and venal;
but her virilization
that's causing frustration
is due to a faulty adrenal.
"
"a more humorous man you won't find.
you'll respond with your heart and your mind.
with a hand that was sure
he made films that endure.
charlie chaplin was one of a kind.
"
"the word carrack sounds simple, i know.
you can carry stuff (no need to tow!)
on the roof of your car,
but i fear carracks are
merchant galleons that sailed long ago.
"
"so you gave me a cock that is combless,
jerome? take him back or he's homeless!
that's your valentine's gift?
it won't do.  get my drift?
(and i'm thinking i'll soon be jerome-less.)
"
"chromhidrosis would get you upset
at the pigments your clothing would get,
as the stain lipofuscin
won't look so amusin'
in green-, black-, or pink-colored sweat.
"
"how i hate being stuck in this jail!
the bread that they serve us is stale.
my cellmate is boring;
can't sleep when he's snoring.
won't somebody help me raise bail?
"
"""my contraptions are long and quite wide.
stegosaurus can fit right inside,
and it's captured forever
at the touch of a lever!""
thus dana expounded with pride.
"
"the alchemist's goal was auriferous,
but his method turned out celluliferous,
so his output (worse luck)
wasn't gold, but a duck?
from a barnacle?'twas anatiferous.
"
"when studying government (civics),
i envision a bunch of mike stivics?
guys who'll win, lose, or draw
battling fathers-in-law,
who are troglodyte-style thyroprivics.
"
"when our fenders were bent, as a claim form,
both drivers were given the same form.
though i'd guess the form's aim
was establishing blame,
what a shame that they used such a lame form!
"
"i never know when sam is shamming.
he claims for exams he is cramming,
but i see him each day
on his way to the bay
with his rake, so i think sam goes clamming.
"
"my son pete has a sudden affinity
for plots and cabals (clandestinity),
and is hopeful one day
to become cia
agent pete?a complete asininity.
"
"""your opinion? completely distressing!
find my plot too complex? so i'm guessing;
surplus ladies and gents
in too many events?
would you say war and peace needs compressing?""
"
"when the witness appeared at the hearing,
he shook with anxiety, fearing
the loss of his job
or revenge by the mob,
as its purpose was antiracketeering.
"
"for breakfast greg usually begs
for some pancakes, and bacon, and eggs,
but the table he pounds
when he finds coffee grounds
in his cup?greg despises the dregs.
"
"the gifts that the magi brought were
precious gold, costly frankincense, myrrh,
while my boyfriend, a winner,
prefers after dinner
a gift of some coffee liqueur.
"
"whether handsome or chubby and bald,
a policeman is what he is called;
and you may come a cropper
if you call one a copper?
you'll be mauled and to jail you'll be hauled.
"
"in the soil, or a pond, or a lake,
many ciliates live?no mistake?
they are lively and motile.
it's not anectodotal;
they're genuine, proven, not fake.
"
"i began with extreme trepidation
unveiling my latest creation.
did it win approbation?
inspire commination?
some of each? what a strange aggregation!
"
"on my trip to the west (pasadena),
i asked whether people had seen a
coliseum?a bowl
like the one out in seoul,
where they built an olympic arena.
"
"my accountant is acting contrite.
though he's sworn that his bookkeeping's right,
he's afraid of an audit
that might dig up fraud. it
is awesome, what's coming to light!
"
"the biopsy known as a core
takes a little (it doesn't need more)
to provide you an answer?
is that swelling a cancer?
you'll shortly know more than before.
"
"these barnacles sure are audacious;
they're growing in heaps! goodness gracious!
it's my fervent belief
they will build up a reef
and their labors will prove corallaceous.
"
"you may notice this plant in a ditch:
a vine sporting prickly pods which
can inspire one to scratch?
thus its moniker?natch!
the cowitch gives cattle the itch.
"
"feudal cornage is not about corn,
but the duty of tenants to warn
on the awful occasion
of foreign invasion,
by heartily blowing a horn.
"
"freedom gone, now i feel like a worm.
a conglomerate bought out our firm.
now we're part of a group
and must jump through a hoop
when the bosses command?so i squirm.
"
"her career brought her riches and glamour.
she'd be seen; paparazzi would clamor.
but careering she went
in a spiraled descent
into drugs and a life in the slammer.
"
"upon leaving the desert, i packed us
a crate filled with claret cup cactus.
the mojave has mound
cactus growing all 'round;
it's the hedgehog that's sure to attract us.
"
"disappointed, my guy went to asia
with the hope that the folk in malaysia
wouldn't mind how he spoke.
they rejected the bloke?
they objected to jake's coprophrasia.
"
"when you alkalize something, you take it
to a higher ph. but don't make it
extreme, or like lye,
it will burn.  please comply?
i'm a chemist; i'll know if you fake it!
"
"though i've only betrayed a small fraction,
toward this patient i feel great attraction.
i am filled with elation
when she has inflammation?
she displays such acute-phase reaction!
"
"a bogan, in maine, it would seem,
is a narrow or backwater stream;
while in aus. or n.z.,
a bogan will be
the dead duck you don't want on your team.
"
"see this whopping big canvas? i've been
sketching figures; i'm just blocking in
all the parts. it's my mission
with this composition
the art competition to win.
"
"mel's a spy, and i know very well
he has government secrets to sell.
though i've paid a large sum,
he's clammed up and become
dumbly mum; mel's unwilling to tell.
"
"it's a cognitive kind of devotion:
a concept, idea, or notion.
i'm in love with the thought
of this guy, while i ought
to adore him, what's more, with emotion.
"
"as our college's sports season nears,
i'm enlisting a group of my peers
who will go to each game
shouting loud our school's name?
hope that beer-drinking cheer group coheres!
"
"my new son-in-law shows condescension?
berates me in ways i can't mention?
and i can't understand
why he won't shake my hand?
his behavior's beyond comprehension.
"
"the tone of pat's speech? conversational?
not bombastic, and not confrontational.
though it sounds like a chat,
when pat's finished, seems that
you have heard something quite inspirational.
"
"in professional, also domestic
composition, his work's catachrestic?
his metaphors mixed?
but they needn't be fixed.
the effect they produce is majestic.
"
"if some sticks, at a target, you throw,
you are playing at what you may know
as cockshy, a game
with a very odd name?
sticks were aimed at the cocks long ago.
"
"our opinion was greatly affected;
his outburst was quite unexpected!
though he wants to wed mary,
his boutade made us wary.
we're hoping his offer's rejected.
"
"i examine old books (i don't sell 'em),
not the ones from the south, antebellum,
but the really antique.
some are latin and greek,
not on paper, but parchment or vellum.
"
"my sister developed addiction
to novels?romantic junk fiction.
mom fought this affliction,
which fostered much friction,
with a clampdown (a forceful restriction).
"
"when i gaze up at night at the moon,
on a cool, lovely evening in june,
though it sounds pedagogical,
my heart's aerological:
i pine for a weather balloon.
"
"auto-tune? that's a hymn to your car?
or the way that you tune your guitar?
no! it makes your recording
much better, affording
a shot at becoming a star.
"
"there are luxury items galore
you can buy at the company store.
you may spend all you get;
then you'll wind up in debt
to the boss, who will profit the more.
"
"i am planning an evening soiree.
it's a thing i don't do every day.
claret cup i will serve
to add gladness and verve;
punch will keep sticky sadness away.
"
"in the words of antique anamneses,
this fish is a poisonous species.
i speak of the cackerel,
which, unlike the mackerel,
when chased, tends to spew out its feces.
"
"though i sweated and felt my bones ache,
her thermometer reading seemed fake.
a one-hundred-six fever?
i couldn't believe her!
the calibrator made a mistake!
"
"years ago, in an earlier age,
folks made camphor glass truly the rage.
these beautiful glazes
in jewelry and vases
now cost quite a lot of your wage.
"
"regulations he wrote with simplicity,
but the abbot displayed eccentricity:
marijuana's okay;
in the rooms girls can stay.
i would say the rules lacked canonicity.
"
"when my celery harvest was in,
there was too much to fit in my bin,
so my mom stored it. she
charged  a cellarage fee;
i would sell 'er the lot for a fin!
"
"martin luther's effect? a sensation
that brought changes to many a nation.
but the church with the pope
didn't give up its hope.
its answer was counterreformation.
"
"she replied, ""you formidable kidder,
your disbursement's too small to consider.
the fellow who savors
my sexual favors
will be (yessiree!) highest bidder.""
"
"just being a kid's hard enough,
but with cerebral palsy, it's rough.
the impairment of gait
makes kids fight to walk straight,
but they do it.  they've got the right stuff.
"
"aboriginal peoples in asia?
their numbers and cultures may daze ya.
adivasi?societies
in a host of varieties?
these tribes will not fail to amaze ya.
"
"i was asked for advice by ms. reno:
""my doc says excessive amino
acids race through my blood,
so i fear it's like mud!""
""for aminoacidemia: vino!""
"
"there's a dead man (a corpse) in my yard,
neath a tree in the copse. i try hard
to get help. well, let's see:
call the cops? should it be
the marine corps? or national guard?
"
"old man goldman came down with a cold.
said wife goldie (a bit of a scold),
""joe, i told you you'd better,
when it's cold, wear a sweater!
now you're grounded until you're paroled.""
"
"i am certainly not feeling fine
since i fell, coming out of the mine.
could that fall manufacture
a compression-type fracture?
a collapse of a bone in my spine?
"
"hurt my arm at our basketball session,
and i'm bleeding (excuse the expression)
like hell! can you find
me a bandage?the kind
that is good for applying compression?
"
"i'm obese, and it's true?there's a lot o' me,
but my right and left legs? a dichotomy.
in my left there's a vein
that is causing great pain,
and i'll soon undergo a cirsotomy.
"
"for some months i have had the ambition
of posting a limerick submission
that in every respect
would be fully correct,
but a dull and inane composition.
"
"though the tropical jungles are birchless,
the birds living there are not perchless;
but it's perchless we feel,
every sunday, for real,
since our chapel burned down and we're churchless.
"
"said a puzzled hermaphrodite, tex,
""i oppose separation by sex.
anti-desegregation
compounds my frustration.
choosing men's room or ladies' can vex!""
"
"this plant that's called calvary clover,
not endangered, like tiger or plover,
grew (not like a violet)
in the footsteps of pilate
when to look at the cross, he strolled over.
"
"""i am part of the gingerbread coven,""
said the witch as she fired up her oven.
""we bake kids into toys:
ginger girls, ginger boys.
ready, hansel? now gretel, quit shovin'!""
"
"al gore has a true dedication;
he fights for the earth's conservation.
he'll preach to the masses
on bad greenhouse gasses.
he feels it's his first obligation.
"
"here's a bulge that is cirsoid. i deign
to admit: it's a varicose vein.
i'll wear stockings (elastic),
do nothing more drastic,
and hope it will cause me no pain.
"
"her room is a terrible mess;
here a shoe, here a book, there a dress?
but she's claiming creation
of art (installation)?
an assemblage-style sculpture, i'd guess.
"
"armoniche (the pasta) is great
and looks wonderful served on a plate?
each a tiny harmonica?
so serve some for hanukkah.
beats latkes (or so says my mate)!
"
"mother's birthday is near, and it's kinder
if i'm careful to leave a reminder,
so that dad buys a gift
that will give her a lift,
like a coffee mill (kind of a grinder).
"
"dear dot: i'm determined to win you;
all i want in a wife is within you.
though you've asked me to stop,
i will woo till i drop.
all my pleas on my knees will continue.
"
"with weak points each person is rife.
some we're born with and have throughout life,
whereas some, cacestogenous,
come from exogenous
sources, like family strife.
"
"it is part of the natural plan?
cainozoic, we figure, began
quite a long time ago.
it's the era, you know,
in which came the ascendance of man.
"
"when we passed, he would always salute;
he would chatter and wrinkle his snoot,
as spare change he was moochin'?
the cebus capuchin?
the organ-man's monkey. how cute!
"
"in cebu all the folks speak cebuan.
it's their language for billin' and cooin'.
learn the lingo if you
want to score in cebu;
you will soon know cebuan for screwin'!
"
"first a lasso he coiled (or convolved),
then it spiraled in air?then dissolved.
it just melted away.
the magician won't say
how he did it. the problem's unsolved.
"
"the chihuahua, as dogs go, is terse,
so it fits in your pocket or purse.
from the front, it appears
all pop-eyes and long ears.
in reverse, the dog looks even worse.
"
"at her party i heard lots of chatter?
and none of it aiming to flatter.
is she just overeating?
or pregnant? repeating
the question: why's kat so much fatter?
"
"""to remove all your cancer's my goal,""
said my surgeon, the good doctor cole,
""so you'll have a cecostomy
(called a typhlostomy)
from skin to the cecum, a hole.""
"
"on a date, when i feel an attraction,
my body is called into action.
my head feels a rush,
my cheeks flush as i blush;
i react with extreme calefaction.
"
"are there cabbages growing on trees?
in new zealand i'm told about these.
just the thought (i'm a skeptic)
can make me dyspeptic.
what's next? there's a shrub that grows cheese?
"
"she appears in a daze as she prays.
pain and torment are plain in her gaze,
as her chrisom child's one
whose short life, just begun,
was all done in the first thirty days.
"
"i was shocked when i saw the new dorm,
as it differs a lot from the norm.
its rooms are hotel-like,
not tiny and cell-like,
and air-cooled in weather that's warm.
"
"though i've plans, i admit with a groan,
i am clean out of funds of my own.
if i build this tract soon,
i will be a tycoon,
so i'll ask for an adc loan.
"
"on a faraway mountain, i'd bet
that a soldier who's injured will get
carried down on a mule,
though he may feel a fool
in a milit'ry-style cacolet.
"
"(he'd decided, ""all right, invite lynne!"")
""see my etchings?"" (he wore a bright grin.)
""where the ink doesn't show
is where acids don't go
to bite in."" (but he thought, ""tonight, sin!"")
"
"i recall all the games that we played
and the promises tenderly made;
but i felt so betrayed
when the bills went unpaid?
guess our marriage was just a charade.
"
"he's my friend, and i hate to complain,
but his childishness gives me a pain.
when we go to bordeaux
he insists that we go
on a ""choo-choo"" instead of a train.
"
"""we will duel at two, by the dump,""
said sir humphrey. my heart made a jump.
as with guns i'm no ace,
i went out and bought mace;
when i sprayed i was champ and not chump.
"
"twin brothers called pete and skeet brown
had a fight in the street in our town.
someone called the town cop,
but the fight didn't stop
till a chokehold brought one of them down.
"
"once you've found perfect joy in her kiss,
take her home to meet momma and sis.
married bliss you'll enjoy.
if she bears you a boy,
please invite me (don't miss!) to the bris.
"
"though his writing was often erratic,
pa's will was concise, brief, commatic:
""my fortune i leave
to my pet beagle, steve.""
i was crestfallen. steve was ecstatic.
"
"human beings, from time immemorial,
have found politics compromissorial.
a decision to make?
work it out?give and take?
from the schoolhouse to house senatorial.
"
"my computer screen, shiny and bright,
keeps me company, working at night.
it is seen by my neighbors,
who laugh at my labors
as limericks, nightly, i write.
"
"no, i won't invest money; you chaps
are too bullish. i'm thinking, perhaps,
though the market is soaring,
we soon will be pouring
out tears when we hear it collapse.
"
"he considered himself an adventurer,
but his dad was a terrible censurer,
so instead of exploring,
he chose something boring,
and worked all his life as a denturer.
"
"said the lass to the scot in the tartan,
when to gyrate his kilt he was startin',
""if you don't quit your flirtin',
i'm sure (which means certain)
you'll be slapped and your cheek will be smartin'!""
"
"there's a choule hanging down from his cheek.
to pronounce this old word's what i seek.
in the textbooks i've read
no one knows how it's said,
so i guess i'll say jowl when i speak.
"
"my cousin has celiac sprue.
undigested, his food goes right through.
his intestinal lining
is damaged and pining.
his doctors don't know what to do.
"
"cacajao you want to deliver?
just pack up your bow and your quiver,
and take flight, brazil-bound,
as these monkeys are found
in the wilds near the amazon river.
"
"carbamide: this word seems to be a
fine term that means simply ""urea""
(the stuff that is sure in
the solids of urine)?
i'm certain you get the idea.
"
"what is carnotite? ore that is keen.
it's a substance that's yellowish green,
so i find it attractive.
it's radioactive?
good lord, what a fool i have been!
"
"many doctors acquire expertise
treating collagen tissue disease.
scleroderma and lupus?
conditions that poop us?
bring even the strong to their knees.
"
"my friend has an illness?bipolar;
in his manicky phase?a high roller;
when depressed, it's the pits;
down in hades he sits.
at his heights? then his flight's circumsolar.
"
"lewd language taboo? lew's solution:
to utilize circumlocution,
like ""practitioner of
the antique arts of love""
for a whore who purveys prostitution.
"
"my daughter sees no contradiction
between what is fact and what's fiction,
so she often tells fibs
(like the rest of her sibs),
causes friction, and wins a restriction.
"
"""name a bloom to which bumblebees flock,
that is purple or red,"" challenged doc,
""and will open quite soon
(in the late afternoon).""
""california,"" i said, ""four o'clock!""
"
"my son is disabled and might
go to court and engage in a fight.
he's got a contracture;
its cause was a fracture
his doctor just didn't set right.
"
"said my old antinuclear aunt,
""it is really a pity i can't
just take over the whole room?
i mean the control room?
of our nuclear energy plant!""
"
"callisthenes never would pander,
and so he annoyed alexander,
who would cause critics pain.
al was touchy and vain,
and when criticized, took it for slander.
"
"celidography sounds like great fun.
with a telescope, gaze at the sun,
then describe every spot.
are you finished? guess not.
do the same for the planets. you're done!
"
"cathepsin, in all creatures known,
is a catalyst. clearly it's prone
to affect living tissue.
the k-type's an issue
in normal resorption of bone.
"
"what's that flying above, in between
the high branches? a green philippine
parrot's kept us enthralled.
seems a cagit it's called,
but to cage it would really be mean.
"
"calgary always succeeds
with its annual western stampedes.
there are galloping steeds,
bucking bulls (many breeds),
and the champions' daredevil deeds.
"
"my harvest is ruined. i'm bust,
and this fungus has caused my disgust.
first with cedar it grapples;
it then infects apples?
this blight has been aptly called rust.
"
"we've had movies that give satisfaction?
in drama, romance, and in action;
but we now have tvs
and we watch dvds.
they're a powerful counterattraction.
"
"how they cheated, then feasted and drank, oh,
then they laughed all the way to the bank, oh,
eighteenth-century crooks
who liked high-fashion looks?
and the fabric they wore? calamanco!
"
"""in my ark,"" said old noah, ""i try
to be witty, ironic, and wry.
as i sail o'er the main
in perpetual rain,
it is best that my humor stay dry.""
"
"cacamatzin (my humble confession)
sounds just like a yiddish expression,
not an aztecan king.
man, it sounds like a thing
in a stand-up comedian's session.
"
"when he fought with a guy in a bar,
he was hurt as a flying glass jar
hit his face with a crash,
and it caused a wide gash.
then a cicatrix formed. (that's a scar.)
"
"cladorhyncus, one genus of stilt,
can be seen from the platform we've built,
which juts out like a quay
where the stream meets the bay.
there the waders stand, fishing, in silt.
"
"""guess you're new to the writing profession;
your creation's too long and ain't meshin'.
to be published, i'd guess,
it needs twelve chapters less,
as your novel calls out for compression!""
"
"this plant, that's a favorite of mine,
two opposites tries to combine,
since the cock's-eggs it's called,
for its fruits, round and bald?
argentina's most comical vine.
"
"a calefactor makes something warm,
like your car or your room in the dorm;
so don't confuse calefactors
with crooks, who are malefactors,
and won't keep you warm in a storm.
"
"don't trust international banks.
their employees are nasty old cranks.
if you're taking out cash
and they think you're too brash,
they will pay you in chadian francs.
"
"are you tired of being compliant?
do you long to stand up?be defiant?
to fight city hall?
the best tactic of all:
choose a giant to be your alliant!
"
"the cedrat, an indian tree,
bears fruits that are pleasant to see.
though they're something like lemon,
you wouldn't put them in
your cocktail, your ade or your tea.
"
"a marmoset's kind of a monkey
that hangs out in trees?small and spunky,
with a long skinny tail?
genus callithrix?hail!
through the jungle you sail. man, that's funky!
"
"i took my anatomy final.
my area? cerebrospinal;
i mixed up the nerves
and the functions each serves
(but i did very well in vaginal).
"
"he says ""consomme."" (thinks he'd sound gay
if he said, as i do, ""consomm?."")
well, as long as my groom
won't pronounce it ""consume,""
it's ok for our wedding buffet.
"
"how i danced at the school celebration!
now my muscles are sore?medication?
seems the best salve i've got
makes my skin burning hot.
its effect is a counterirritation.
"
"her bodice exposed them complexly:
her bosoms, projecting convexly.
his reason was blighted
as his sex drive excited?
he approached the poor woman t. rex-ly.
"
"the control tower guys at the field
tell the planes to proceed or to yield.
it's the law of the land
to obey their command?
well, at least till the statute's repealed.
"
"if you're working with hybridization,
cacogenesis brings consternation.
the result's not reliable,
not fertile, not viable?
consider a change of vocation!
"
"henry sighed, in a tone of lament,
""every cent in my wallet i've spent
on each sumptuous date.
though i'm anxious to mate,
i won't couple without your consent.""
"
"i would know, if i had any brains,
that cellulose forms into chains,
but does not circle round?
so the chemists have found.
it's the stuff that from cell walls remains.
"
"my old cook, it turns out, was a crook.
he invaded my house and he took
a large tome, it appears,
that was full of vermeers?
yes, my favorite coffee table book!
"
"if your jacket is houndstooth, it's checked,
and it also is checked, i suspect,
if it's left in a checkroom,
instead of the rec room.
please check that my guess is correct.
"
"in a storm, the dark night may be brightening
with wild streaks in the sky that are frightening.
though it's hard to explain,
it's like links on a chain;
that makes plain the odd name?it's chain lightning.
"
"this new chef is ambitious, inspired;
fame is coveted, wished for, desired.
he's acquired a keen
and nutritious cuisine
that's delicious. he'll surely be hired!
"
"the problem is hard to detect
unless you're prepared to suspect
that a mom who seems mild
may abuse her own child
or permit it to suffer neglect.
"
"the judge was so angry, he preached
that the law of the land had been breached.
the butt of his fury?
a runaway jury?
a compromise verdict was reached.
"
"each image on polly's computer
is so cutesy it couldn't be cuter.
she quietly traffics
in computer-type graphics?
not male and not female, but neuter.
"
"i heard noise, so i swiveled around,
sought the source of the clangorous sound.
seems it gathers a crowd
when, metallic and loud,
the old dinner bell sounds?so i found.
"
"each limerick comprises five lines,
which the editing process refines.
i have herewith disclosed
such a one i've composed;
you'll find both of these words it combines.
"
"it is great to wake up in the morn
smelling breads that are made out of corn.
hushpuppies or pone
i can't make on my own,
but i've eaten them since i was born.
"
"my sister's a nun and a mystic;
my brother is sweet and artistic.
my mother is proud
of them both, but feels cowed
because neither is capitalistic.
"
"though once they were thought anatiferous,
these barnacles seem coralliferous;
and i'm starting to think
they would soon turn to pink
if the waters became less frigiferous.
"
"playing bumblepuppy's hard to resist
once you've mastered it.  here is the gist
of this marvelous game
with the curious name:
it's a structureless way to play whist.
"
"""there's a man in my cell!"" cried the nun.
""in my bedroom he's looking for fun,
but i've taken a vow
and i won't change it now,
so i'm fixin' to get up and run!""
"
"a new and ingenious creation,
einstein's theory proved a sensation,
but his critics would lecture:
""it's just a conjecture.
it's clever, but mere speculation.""
"
"jim o'rourke corked his bottle. the torque
broke the glass, and he bled on the pork.
though he washed the meat off,
folks in cork liked to scoff
when he claimed, ""i was pricked by my fork!""
"
"residing out here in the sticks
can be dull, but we hicks get our kicks:
when the train on its track
passes?clickety-clack?
we pretend that it clackity-clicks.
"
"contraception (preventing  conception)
took great labor to gain its adeption.
keeping access is critical;
opponents, political,
are seeking its legal abreption.
"
"the stern of my boat's the location
where i planned an informal collation.
it was sunny and warm,
but a tropical storm
was predicted. it caused consternation.
"
"caveman dana designed novel traps
to catch dinosaurs, wondered perhaps
if his wooden contraptions
would suffer collapsions?
that is: would the damned things collapse?
"
"a band-aid's effective when you
cut your finger?it sticks there like glue.
but a band-aid solution
won't stop prostitution;
it's a measure that simply won't do.
"
"though she speaks with a sweet irish brogue,
and she dresses in fashions from vogue,
all her clients she cozens
and cheats by the dozens?
my cousin's a thief and a rogue!
"
"in mexico there's a volcano.
colima's its name, as you may know.
it is found in the state
called jalisco?don't wait!
go and visit the place. please don't say no!
"
"when our marriage was young, you were bridal,
and you cooked and you baked, never idle.
now we're married ten years;
all you do is drink beers
and your cooking's become biocidal.
"
"a bumbailiff's a curious sort
of a fellow who works for the court.
he may act like a drudge
doing chores for the judge,
but he's skillful, so don't sell him short.
"
"i spent lots on a secondhand copier;
now its copies are coming out sloppier.
seems its previous owner
used much too much toner,
so its splotches get wetter and gloppier.
"
"a coprophil's one kind of species
that eats and enjoys eating feces.
it's a natural taste
for these beasts?eating waste?
so the scholars opine in their theses.
"
"the serum from grandmother's blood
showed coagula, cloudy as mud.
in the test tube were lumps
of coagulum?clumps;
and my tears tumbled down in a flood.
"
"in the woods, as he fought the comanche,
the brush seemed excessively branchy.
""in the trees on each side?
there an injun can hide,""
randy sighed, ""wish the land were more ranch-y!""
"
"it isn't an insect that's damp
and will eat all the greens in your camp.
not an acridid grub,
it's a south u.s. shrub
found in woods where you'd go for a tramp.
"
"""all the cattle are penned,"" said my pal,
""in a very convenient locale,
where i'll teach them harmonious
moos, not erroneous
lowing?a bovine chorale.""
"
"uncle joe's most adept at his post
as executive chef and as host
of a nationwide chain
known as breakfast with jane.
now he boasts his french toast's coast-to-coast.
"
"i am not a good swimmer.  are you?
i won't ride in a canvas canoe.
it may tip, canvas rip,
and i may lose my grip
and fall in and be drowned if i do.
"
"when he died (due to bowel congestion?),
alexander's great buddy, hephaestion,
was honored with games
of which one of the aims
was to make his name famous?no question!
"
"my grandpa complains that he ails,
and his doctor provides the details:
chf, he suggests.
blood backed up in his chest's
getting worse as my grandpa's heart fails.
"
"i am not being overexcitable.
my poetry's all copyrightable.
try purloining my verse?
you'll get more than a curse.
the offense, i believe, is indictable.
"
"in his cage in the zoo, he must be
a small animal folks like to see;
but he'd look extra cute
in a jacket or suit.
(a coati would wear a coatee?)
"
"the magician wears dark flowing robes.
on the table, black wax he conglobes,
making several spheres
sized for d-cup brassieres,
as victoria's secret he probes.
"
"i have taken it under advisement?
i'm not sure i know what those guys meant
when they posed in the nude
for the shot they include
in their classified food advertisement.
"
"here's french silk; please examine a swatch.
would your girlfriend prefer a rare scotch?
the best present? behold:
this chronometer's gold.
just don't tell her you bought her a watch.
"
"his baritone voice was euphonious,
his manner polite, ceremonious?
that's to say somewhat pompous.
he proceeded to tromp us;
his goal, i would guess, was felonious.
"
"my most salient characteristic
is my outlook; it's quite optimistic.
but abdominal pain
makes that hard to sustain
when my testes are swollen and cistic.
"
"this calcedon ruins my ruby.
don't be angry, my darling, but do be
sympathetic, as you
bought the ring?and from who?
that dumb jeweler i pegged as a booby!
"
"let me tell you about the hotel
on that mexican isle?cozumel.
se?oritas galore
are assigned to each floor.
you can call them by ringing a bell.
"
"""at conception? it's then life begins?""
asked the maiden who's carrying twins.
""my conception is this?
that life starts with a kiss,
then it spins, full of gin, to its sins.""
"
"in the cold, you may catch a disease.
if it freezes, you'll cough and you'll sneeze.
so to match your barometer,
here's a brand-new thermometer
that's calibrated into degrees.
"
"here's a word that's both odd and worthwhile:
to clapperclaw?""scold"" or ""revile.""
it is also ""to claw.""
i revere it with awe,
as it makes me both tremble and smile.
"
"a generous gent was mccartery.
although some folks would think him a martyr, 'e
donated a part
that came right from his heart?
his circumflex scapular artery.
"
"a chicken is someone who's not
very brave, and who worries a lot,
or a fowl like a duck,
that we slaughter and pluck.
we may cluck as it's chucked in a pot.
"
"pat suffers from combat neurosis;
i'm sure it's the right diagnosis.
it is in the same league
as is battle fatigue.
i'll prescribe these pink pills and hypnosis.
"
"this subject is gruesome, alas!
arsine is a poisonous gas.
if you're looking to off
a plebeian or toff,
take a graduate chemistry class.
"
"he found talent show judging a bore.
acts 1, 2, and 3 made him snore,
but the next (a quartet)
he would never forget?
faultless singing had come to the fore.
"
"with his hair looking much like a mop,
sid sashayed into pop's barber shop.
""i am here for a comb-out,
but don't let my dome out?
be sure that i'm covered on top!""
"
"it's not very easy to harden
your heart when you reach covent garden.
entertainment is there,
and there's joy in the air.
what? you don't care for plays? beg your pardon!
"
"though good looks are a roll of the dice,
adorability comes at a price.
all the fellows you meet
tend to fall at your feet,
and to kick them?it just isn't nice.
"
"as the cat took a swipe at the master
(just a scratch?not a total disaster),
the pastor walked past;
and he gasped, quite aghast,
then applied what was called a court plaster.
"
"my aunt sent a message: ""i want
you to help me arrange a detente.
i crave family peace.
i'll be honest, dear niece,
and you'll serve as my sole confidante.""
"
"signed a contract with jack but, in fact,
found the fee we'd agreed on got jacked.
here's the contractor's fee?
our agreement times three!
now my bank account's sure to contract.
"
"many creatures are known as a coney?
most smaller, i'd say, than a pony?
and one is a fish!
it's confusing, i wish
saying ""coney"" did not feel so phoney.
"
"you may think it was tragic or comic
when the surgeon incised my celomic
inner cavity, wide,
and he puttered inside.
what's his motive? i think, economic.
"
"i'm amazed that his teachers salute
this dumb loser, and cheer him to boot?
as he's neither astute
nor, in math class, acute.
their behavior just doesn't compute.
"
"my grandma would never begrudge
me a plate of her great chocolate fudge.
as each friday i'd visit,
i'd wonder: why is it
i'm so overweight, and called pudge?
"
"she's a beautiful girl and she's chased
by the guys who have excellent taste.
though beneath a slim waist,
her trim backside is placed,
she stays virginal, chaste. what a waste!
"
"our beautiful new civic center
brings pleasure as soon as we enter.
the acoustics are fine;
we can hear every line
in the opera without an augmenter.
"
"when i told her, my wife went ballistic,
insisted i visit a mystic.
his counsel, hubristic,
was somewhat sadistic:
hang loose and pretend you're artistic.
"
"so we asked her, ""aunt joan, will you tell us
what you've made from this strange and cancellous
kind of substance? it's porous.
did you sculpt uncle horace?""
she proceeded, pell-mell, to expel us!
"
"to gain what is called carnal knowledge, he
does not have to study in college. he
need not attend class
or read books to amass
useless facts (from a learned anthology).
"
"conscription's a word for the draft.
i react, being given the shaft,
like the ancient egyptian
who wrote this inscription:
""fight hittites? build tombs? man, you're daft!""
"
"his religion, he claims, is cosmolatry?
not a popular faith, rather solitary,
but his neighbors assume
that he worships a bloom
called the cosmos, and damn his idolatry.
"
"not a court where the case would be tried
if ad agencies' ethics might slide
and a lawsuit could menace?
think: ""a court to play tennis.""
it's a term for the left-handed side.
"
"the woman who joined your committee
isn't serious, clever, or witty.
the committeemen say
she should stay anyway;
do you think it's because she's so pretty?
"
"source of misery, anguish untold,
is my subject?the plain common cold.
this distressing disease
makes us snuffle and sneeze.
he who cures it will surely win gold.
"
"what? you've found me a house? you're a saint!
all it needs is some spackle and paint.
and what else can compare
with the chimney-piece, there
round the fireplace? it's utterly quaint.
"
"of a fellow named mel i will tell.
he was mellow and sang very well?
in his choir?like a jewel.
when challenged to duel,
he was yellow, and mel ran like hell.
"
"growing older, however you look on it,
is a drag?that's the angle i took on it.
we should write what we know
(common sense tells us so),
and that's why i am writing a book on it.
"
"this dispatch just arrived, marked ""emergency!""
its bearer discoursed with great urgency.
seems we'll need men and horses;
the enemy's forces
surround us?they've merged (a convergency).
"
"if you're hoping to be the convenor
of this congress, then heed your demeanor.
to perform this job right,
never fight; be polite
to each delegate, waiter, and cleaner.
"
"cinnamomum: a genus of trees;
aromatic, they perfume the breeze
in the old world and new?
the antipodes too?
more than three hundred types, if you please.
"
"the apophoret coming your way
is a gift that one gives new year's day?
but this obsolete word
is so seldomly heard,
it takes study to learn how to say.
"
"""the fates,"" he opined, ""like to spite us.
all our plans turn to dust as they blight us,
and our hopes they imperil.
though we're married, i'm sterile?
a terrible case of corditis.""
"
"my old cow gave up chewing her cud
since she started to graze on that crud.
i am sure that those weeds
are a species that breeds
her cachaemia?poisons her blood.
"
"there's a draft? they won't take conscientious
objectors.  i must be contentious,
and insist on my right
to avoid any fight?
we pacifists  can be tendentious.
"
"what's a connex? why, that's a no-brainer.
i've explained it. i can't make it plainer.
it's a huge metal box
that one fills and then locks,
in the army?a cargo container.
"
"tom lehrer, irreverent pup,
went to sup with a squabbling coup-
le who loudly complained;
but tom lehrer maintained,
""can't communicate? why not shut up?""
"
"the edible gastropod: conch
sounds a lot like a nose or a bonk
on the head.  when it's used,
it should not be confused
with the raven's hoarse call. that's a cronk.
"
"when maurie related his story,
the gory details and the glory,
i tried to pursue?
could it really be true?
was it merely confabulatory?
"
"in my lifetime i never have seen
any footwear to match the chopine?
once a high-fashion pick.
soles are chunky and thick,
some two inches, and others fourteen.
"
"the cephalins make your blood clot.
in the brain and the spine they are hot.
they are part of the basis
for brain hemostasis?
whether you like it or not!
"
"there's a port in sardinia that
is called cagliari. down where it's flat
is its harbor of fame;
and in spite of its name,
it's a city that won't make you fat.
"
"mistress lieber, my beautiful swan,
has come back, while i thought she had gone
to that heavenly place
where deceased birds find grace?
she's come home with her handsome don juan.
"
"my son is in college, and he's
using lots of new words.  i say, ""please!
now i feel like a freak,
as to me it's all greek.
i'm no geek, so don't speak computerese.""
"
"in old rome, they had plagues that were ragin',
and this worried the emperor, trajan,
so he moved to his home
on the outskirts of rome
to escape the invading contagion.
"
"i'm arranging a major parade.
to each risk, close attention i've paid.
can i pull it together?
it's contingent on weather,
so contingency plans must be made.
"
"after working all day on the docks, i
most carefully take off my socks. i
will make an inspection
to look for infection
with strep, or with staph?they're both cocci.
"
"from tropical waters to polar,
captain kohler commanded a coaler?
so his lonely wife's goal?
stop reliance on coal.
she is hoping the world will go solar.
"
"i must blow my own horn (speaking boast-wise),
but my party boat's tops, guest- and host-wise.
we set sail july fourth,
and proceed to the north;
stopping off at each port, we move coastwise.
"
"the blue riband is patrick's, and that's
why his ladyfriends shouted ""congrats!""
he's a breeder of felines.
the judges made beelines
to congratulate pat and his cats.
"
"""we are trapped in this bunker, i fear.
without help, our destruction is near.
what's the sound in my ear
that i hear from the rear?""
""a contingent of soldiers, my dear.""
"
"her husband's rude manners, his coarseness,
aroused in her breast a divorceness.
so she took mort to court?
the proceedings were short,
and she dumped him with zero remorseness.
"
"when the tape player chewed up my tape,
i got angry and bent out of shape.
though my petulance grew up,
there was no one to chew up,
so i sat in my car and went ape.
"
"milking cows was an everyday act
that the milkmaids performed with great tact,
but they sometimes got cowpox
(those itchy-and-how pox),
though smallpox they didn't contract.
"
"when at twilight the desert sun dropped,
for a choltry the caravan shopped,
so each man and each beast
would find rest and a feast
in the east, when the caravan stopped.
"
"a mad athlete just told me about
his last game. it was, sadly, a rout.
""i was conked on the head?
knocked unconscious,"" he said.
""then the team just got pooped and conked out.""
"
"a wheat farmer, out in caracas,
planted boohai. his story may shock us,
'cause it made him insane,
but he doesn't complain.
up the boohai, he's shooting pukakas.
"
"...then chuck met charise and he tried
holding all of his anger inside,
but she chucked him when he
acted churlishly. gee,
seems that some things a guy just can't hide.
"
"i'm delighted; my bedroom's complete;
and my linens? they're really a treat.
for my bed, i'm committed
to a sheet that is fitted?
a neatly designed contour sheet.
"
"when the glamorous hollywood star,
in a smash-up, was thrown from her car,
she emerged from the crash
with a sizeable gash.
a cicatrizant helped form a scar.
"
"behind files piling high, he would lurk;
if you caught his attention, he'd smirk.
he would shirk all his work
then behave like a jerk?
smitty kirk, our esteemed city clerk.
"
"now they're married, and pat has grown fat,
with six kids and three dogs and a cat,
but their love never changes;
each week she arranges
on sunday to wear her red hat.
"
"he approached her with consummate skill.
""out for dinner?"" ""why, thank you, i will!""
though this move he'd perfected,
he never expected
she'd consume so much food.  what a bill!
"
"the continental quilt on display
in my bedroom has chic and cachet.
i enjoy this down quilt
to the hilt, without guilt.
pray don't fray this amazing duvet.
"
"playing chuck-a-luck uses three dice.
i admit that i've played once or twice.
though the game may entice,
it is gambling?a vice.
if you lose you may pay a great price.
"
"incorrectly, he called it a batter box.
as he stood there, he made it a natter box.
he continued to chat
without swinging his bat;
he was baseball's notorious chatterbox.
"
"""cefuroxime (brand name is ceftin)
is extracted till nothing is left in
the test tube or vat.
it's a new process that
all our pharmacy students are deft in.""
"
"throw the coverall over my clothes,
and be sure that it doesn't expose
my new slacks to the dust
as we labor. it must
save my hose, so it goes to my toes.
"
"he asked me to be his co-regent.
to be honest, i'm not his allegiant.
he's a nettlesome master?
a prickly disaster.
his crest? it's a porcupine sejant.
"
"my ermine is costly and rare,
and it has to be handled with care.
yet the waiter advised,
""use the coatrack."" surprised,
i was wary of leaving it there.
"
"first the cotton is grown with much toil,
then the cottonseeds pressed into oil;
and i needn't remind
you, it must be refined?
then our diets it's likely to spoil.
"
"our family factory's been
manufacturing soldiers of tin.
through a changeover, drastic,
they're now made of plastic;
my kin grin as profits roll in.
"
"any traces of talent are faint,
and a pablo picasso i ain't,
but just ask my dear spouse?
when it comes to our house,
i can put on a good coat of paint.
"
"his poems were pointed and terse.
""life in prison,"" he wrote, ""can't be worse.
as i sit all alone
with no friends and no phone,
i'm aware of the need for con verse.""
"
"i'm reviewing my friend's latest list,
and the bridesmaids she's chosen consist
of pals claire, mare, and cher.
i'm not there. should i care?
i insist i was missed, and i'm pissed!
"
"there's a coat tree inside our front hall,
made of walnut; it's slender and tall.
there are so many jackets
hung up on its brackets,
you can't see the damned thing at all.
"
"when they're hunting, i know for a fact,
that two lions will often coact
if they're females. attractive,
these beasts are coactive.
their prey has no chance when attacked.
"
"when you're peevish and feel like a grouch,
it will help to lie down on a couch,
a divan, or chaise longue.
i will not steer you wrong.
you'll feel better.  for that i can vouch.
"
"she considered her music artistic.
like a lyre was her sound?citharistic?
but critics, sadistic,
declared her simplistic.
she read the reviews?went ballistic.
"
"coxsackie's the name of a town,
and a virus has brought it renown.
its type a makes kids sick,
but they get better quick?
though there's many a frown when they're down.
"
"his critics are all intellectual,
and aware that his meaning's contextual,
but in every critique
they will publish this week
all interpret his comments as?sexual.
"
"all the candidates had a debate,
in a specified place, on this date,
while two-thirds of the nation
watched their loud contestation.
who best steers today's ship of state?
"
"a smart-aleck fellow named treigle
liked to lie and defraud and finagle.
while pretending to be
deep and sensitive, he
turned out centerless, just like a bagel.
"
"your pudgy young friend is a corker.
what? you're asking i date that fat porker?
i'll refuse all your pleas,
and i don't care if he's
a compatriot?fellow new yorker.
"
"your paper gets a for its neatness,
and strikingly thorough completeness.
it's got facts?loads and loads?
on the building of roads,
and a down-to-earth sense of concreteness.
"
"in brazil, i seek beaches with leo,
and he preaches they're sweetest in rio.
when we reach ipanema,
we team up with rima?
thereafter, we three are a trio.
"
"angus said what the voters demanded,
lest the scottish election be handed
to a scotsman less blunt?
less entirely upfront:
canny candidates cannae be candid.
"
"there's a building downtown in the city
where the councilmen speak?wise and witty.
then with nary a pause,
they propose and pass laws
with preposterous flaws. they sit pretty.
"
"i just coughed up some phlegm. deary me,
guess it's time to see dr. mcgee;
but before the doc sees me,
his office will squeeze me:
i'll first have to cough up his fee.
"
"the mother and dad of my spouse
have a bullmastiff, meek as a mouse.
he's serene as a saint,
and a watchdog he ain't?
he greets burglars who enter the house.
"
"dwight purchased that soap just to spite us.
he knew we'd get contact dermatitis.
the severe irritation
caused great consternation;
we might sue him, but dwight says he'll fight us.
"
"he stood at the front of those rooms,
with his weaponry making loud booms,
and the kids hit the floor
until thirty or more
were dispatched to their premature dooms.
"
"she's excitingly like aphrodite,
mighty beautiful there in  her nightie.
to remove it?she's shy?
contraclockwise i'll try.
i'll remember ""left-loosey, right-tighty.""
"
"they are not just a pretty design;
elevations they help to define?
contour lines on our maps.
on our faces, perhaps,
in our wrinkles, old age they enshrine.
"
"your hand muscles?  keep them contractile,
to add to the pleasure?the tactile?
enjoyed when you stroke
lila's thighs.  it's no joke;
you'll feel most if your hand's polydactyl.
"
"we oedilfers display a proclivity
for compulsiveness (yes, compulsivity);
we'll revise many times
both the meter and rhymes,
but it primes a sublime creativity.
"
"mort's report shows impressive intensiveness.
it's complete, with a neat comprehensiveness;
but i fear it's a loss,
as it bad-mouths his boss,
who will dump it because of offensiveness.
"
"her eyes show the hint of a glint,
and their tint is the color of mint,
but she's seated inside
of a rose, opened wide?
it's a composite photograph print.
"
"how absurdly our boss tries to work us;
his demands and commands often irk us.
it smells awful, it's hot,
and we're not paid a lot,
so i'm sorry i work for the circus.
"
"in the year fourteen hundred and four,
there were many new worlds to explore,
but i'm sorry to say
that my atlas today
doesn't show unmapped lands any more.
"
"in the winter, in bed, when my brain
is aware of the patter of rain,
then my outlook is rosy.
i'm comfy and cozy
neath my comforter?there i remain.
"
"i inquired of my childhood pal hal if i
might explore, with a good rationale?if i
want another way to
convey ""alkalize,"" do
i say ""al-kalify,"" or say ""al-kal-ify""?
"
"she replied, ""let's not start with a spat,
but you're acting, my friend, like a brat.
that chapeau's only worn
once a week?sunday morn;
come to church if you love my red hat.""
"
"king herod, in 30 b.c.,
built a harbor that none thought could be.
with a wink, he said, ""see ya
in fair caesarea,
where advanced engineering is key.""
"
"our commander, stan anderson, cursed.
he commanded our unit (the 1st).
when our foe we had beat,
his command was ""retreat!""
his commandership, man, was the worst!
"
"""anatomy thrills me,"" cried phyllis,
""as i study each bursa and villus,
and each artery, vein,
bearing blood in the brain;
best of all is the circle of willis!""
"
"caveman dana considered, ""perhaps
they're too massive to catch in my traps.
i could butcher them if
they'd stampede off a cliff
or i came up with something that zaps.""
"
"the policeman worked late with his crew.
his young wife didn't know what to do.
with her appetite great,
she just hated to wait.
she cried, ""cop?you late!"" serving his stew.
"
"along came a stegosaur pair.
they inspected the trap with great care.
""i think, mrs. saurus,
this contrivance built for us
is porous; it's full of hot air.""
"
"dear congressional record: record
every speech and pronouncement that's poured
from our congressmen's lips?
all their sermons and quips?
then we'll file them, forever ignored.
"
"after sickness, there comes analepsis,
which may bring acute pseudoblepsis.
if no aberration
brings instant elation,
it's a good time for omphaloskepsis.
"
"continuousness?action non-stop:
that describes how, each christmas, i shop,
and it's true (no denying),
excessively buying.
""merry christmas,"" i cry, as i drop.
"
"as a speaker, the man was magnetic;
his writing was lively, athletic.
mark twain was well-known.
like a comet, he shone.
both his birth and his death were cometic.
"
"conspicuous consumption may be
spending money so others can see,
or else wasting away
from an ailment we'd say
was an obvious form of tb.
"
"""will you help me get rid of these daws?
('cause their noise doesn't win them applause).""
""yes, i will, as i do
hate their noisiness too.""
join the new anti-daws'-common-caws!
"
"you will not find the cockshead in cali,
nor on any new world hill or valley.
these leguminous herbs
won't be found in our burbs.
onobrychis, they're called,  caput-galli.
"
"""i must go for a ride,"" cried my bride.
""i will miss my best guy."" how she lied!
""i'll be back in a day.""
now, new york to l.a.,
i am seeking her, continent-wide.
"
"a caliculus-dweller, in coral,
thought his poor education immoral,
as this wee animalculus,
who couldn't do calculus,
in math had been flunked on his oral.
"
"that's a gift, not a trade or a barter; 'e
thought to give it outright would be smarter?'e
then said, ""here in my shoulder,
i'll let this one grow older
(my circumflex humeral artery).""
"
"cacatua, which means, to malays,
""older sister,"" is sure to amaze.
it's a wonderful word
for a popular bird,
so on cockatoos let us heap praise!
"
"""to build the colossus of rhodes,""
said the king, ""stone is carried in loads.
i am proud to be funder
of the world's greatest wonder!""
(too bad that it later explodes.)
"
"an indian bigwig named chopra
made a fortune by dealing in copra.
his exploits were snappy;
his ending was happy.
his life made a good comic opera.
"
"there are bufflehead ducks on the bay.
when they migrate, a visit they pay.
they're unique, you'll agree,
and a pleasure to see?
black and white in a charming display.
"
"to the man on the porch: go away.
i don't need any brushes today!
(though i once had a crush
on the cute fuller brush
man and made him work hard for his pay.)
"
"now he's active, prepared for attack;
he's a combatant, out in iraq.
though he's ready for battle,
his heart's in seattle,
with jacqui. he longs to go back.
"
"fern was flabby last fall at the hyatt.
she won't exercise, never will diet;
yet she's slim now?it's drastic.
was it surgery, plastic?
this shape?just how did fern come by it?
"
"when chuck found he could not circumduct
his left arm, he felt life really sucked.
on a nurse's instruction
he worked circumduction;
its function he'd now reconstruct.
"
"i'm invited to dine with the towles.
after dinner, my abdomen growls.
their intent, now i see,
is to constipate me?
that means slowing or stopping my bowels.
"
"paul had bad diarrhea last fall,
with his bowels in perpetual squall.
in finding a costive,
his search was exhaustive.
now it's spring and they don't move at all.
"
"he was charming and sweet while we supped,
but he changed and the switch was abrupt.
his intent, i could see,
was to constuprate me?
to degrade, and debauch, and corrupt.
"
"will you come to my party? please do!
modern-arty, there'll be a who's who
of the folks shown at moma.
what? dad's in a coma?
i'm hoping that he will come to.
"
"scott's a rotter?a thief and a sot,
and he's gotten away with a lot,
but one day he'll steal tuppence
and meet his comeuppance?
he'll be spotted and shot on the spot.
"
"ms. detective, your plan is defective.
consider the burglar's perspective.
wearing yellow sateen
you'll be easily seen;
here a dull coloration's protective.
"
"said the rabbi, a female virginian,
""sure, women can be in a minyan!""
but the crowd from kenosha
would ask rabbi moshe
to come up with another opinion.
"
"to obtain priceless gems was his goal,
so a carload of jewels he stole.
among diamonds within
was a cameo pin,
which he'd glimpsed in a cameo role.
"
"the commentary callahan wrote
on my thesis was more than a note.
though he quoted the sages
for twenty-six pages,
his arguments all missed the boat.
"
"though i'm bored by the local aquarium,
the museum (its brand new solarium)
has a show that is nice?
a historic device
on display?an antique cometarium.
"
"jean-jacques' death was a terrible blow.
he left all of his mistresses dough.
they debated all night?
how to bury him right?
as they wanted the rite comme il faut.
"
"as a kid, she was never a shouter;
as a teen, an agnostic, a doubter.
now her silence is broken?
at thirty, outspoken?
she's a loud pro-abortion come-outer.
"
"the wealthy and spoiled debutante
had a date with the camp's commandant.
though her mother was thrilled,
she said, ""mater, i'm filled
with ennui."" she was so nonchalant.
"
"i come on the scene and see john.
he says, ""bonnie, my girlfriend, is gone.
my smart come-on? a bust!
she was full of mistrust,
though i'd promised i wouldn't come on.""
"
"mom worries whenever i sneeze
that i'll casefy?something that she's
heard of. caseifaction?
chagrin's my reaction.
she fears i will turn into cheese!
"
"my family, always close-knit,
now are fighting and fixing to split.
mom and dad can't agree;
both are angry at me?
but i don't care a whit, i admit.
"
"since belinda has grown quite a bit,
many clothes are too tight, she'll admit.
but her beau says, ""you're better
in a close-fitting sweater.
i worship the way your clothes fit!""
"
"""what's that creature you're using for bait?""
""it's a clamworm. that bother you, mate?""
""yes, your rag worm (or sand worm),
though hardly a grand worm,
deserves a less odious fate.""
"
"much smaller than lava's lapillus
is cholera's comma bacillus.
from a couple of these,
epidemic disease
can result, and that illness can kill us!
"
"the columbine (beautiful flower)
has a name that a high school turned sour.
there two boys in pursuit
of revenge came to shoot?
caused their classmates to panic and cower.
"
"we are occupied, now, by the army.
civil censorship's driving me barmy.
they have censored my mail
and the press (each detail),
and they claim it's so nothing will harm me.
"
"though they hadn't the tape deck or phone,
ancient poets could sing about stone.
even orpheus' song
praising chabazite's long,
lovely crystals survived on its own.
"
"a soprano from west bujumbura
sang opera with verve and bravura,
excelled at bellini
and conquered rossini?
a diva, a coloratura.
"
"when my ancestor reached ellis island,
he was bound for new york?not the highland.
he had naught to declare
but his prior despair.
""now new york,"" grandpa said, ""will be my land!""
"
"holly mahler, penurious scholar, a
monograph wrote for a dollar. a
brilliant idea:
prevent diarrhea.
she called it the ring around cholera.
"
"you're so dapper, pierre, i declare,
in your uniform, worn with great flair!
but beware; i'm so proud
i will shout it out loud:
""our pierre is the new commissionaire!""
"
"mom reviews all my homework each night
and she checks every reference i cite.
this everyday edit
deserves lots of credit?
she copyreads all that i write.
"
"is your penmanship messy and sloppy?
is your handwriting fragmented, choppy?
here's the method i'll cite
that will help you write right:
buy a copybook, buster, and copy!
"
"the aorta's the common location
for narrowing called coarctation
which surgeons repair,
if they dare, with great care
in the kids with this strange aberration.
"
"lawyer bryant once fell for a client.
she was married, but he was defiant.
every ethical rule
he defied?the damned fool!
now on welfare checks bryant's reliant.
"
"at first i began to enjoy
all his poetry, clever and coy,
full of punning and such.
now i find it too much,
as a surfeit of cuteness can cloy.
"
"i intend to express myself clearly,
precisely, concisely, sincerely:
""tess, i love you?i guess?
but perhaps?let me stress?
i'm suggesting we marry?well, nearly.""
"
"caveman dana set out to equip
his new clinic to fix a cleft lip
and repair a cleft palate?
two rocks and a mallet.
(i think he is losing his grip!)
"
"says penny, ""this sure beats a stencil!""
as she copies my sketch with a pencil?
i express no alarm;
it does my work no harm.
you might call our alliance commensal.
"
"she was dragged to the high school by force,
and she hadn't the brains of a horse,
but till sixteen, the rule
said she must go to school,
so commercial (they said) was her course.
"
"calaverite's a kind of an ore:
gold that's telluride-bound, and what's more,
it looks silver or bronze,
like the necklace she dons,
when it's gold she'd prefer that she wore.
"
"i look chrysalid up, and i find
it means ""pupal,"" but never the kind
in the eye that can gaze.
it's a butterfly's phase?
one that's left larval living behind.
"
"the base of the foxglove's calycinal.
any sepals you think may be missin'll
be sure to be found
with the others around
this fine flower, whose plant is medicinal.
"
"yes, our artists inspire civic pride.
if on one of our buses you ride,
you'll see posters displayed;
every one is handmade.
ask the driver to hand you a guide.
"
"in the meteorology book,
you'll find out, if you just take a look,
that it's arid?or wet??
either one (i forget),
but it's wind (that's for sure), the chinook!
"
"a cosmotron speeds up its protons
(not  atoms, electrons, or photons).
the physicists  scheme
to find out from its beam
all the secrets of nature, like wotan's.
"
"though i try, i just can't comprehend
why some men tend to eye my rear end;
but as hard as i try,
i just can't figure why
they attend to my end when i bend.
"
"in the past (what we call days of yore)
you would clepe all your offspring?a chore.
you would name them; each one
would be clept. so 'twas done,
but we don't clepe our kids any more.
"
"ben's contemplativeness (some call it pensiveness)
is for workmates a kind of offensiveness.
when he stops for analysis,
their work hits paralysis?
they resent its excessive extensiveness.
"
"on a campylobacter is found
a flagellum that wiggles. it's bound
to assure that he's totally
free?fully motile. he
certainly does get around!
"
"our municipal swim club's exclusive?
men only. its members, collusive,
have joined in a plot
that's illegal. they'll not
admit women. the plan is abusive.
"
"the word colloquy, best i should mention,
like colloquium, can mean ""convention,""
but it isn't abnormal
to use it for ""formal
discussion"" (agreement, dissension).
"
"for a week lee's been out on a binge.
when you see him you'll certainly cringe.
is the whiskey constringent?
are his wrinkles contingent
on the power of booze to constringe?
"
"apollo checked in at the marriott.
then he went for a drive in his chariot.
at a local cafe,
phoebus craved take-away,
asked, ""this sweet orange cake?is it carriot?""
"
"i doubt that the inmate's parolable?
in prison, he's quite uncontrollable?
but his wife wants him out.
if we keep him, no doubt,
his old lady will not be consolable.
"
"in polite conversation, it's true,
certain topics and words are taboo.
though your subject is cursable,
a curse, not conversable,
may inspire well-bred folks to pooh-pooh.
"
"this project, developed with brilliance,
multidisciplined, augurs resilience.
if the chemists sign on,
it will not be withdrawn.
all we need is our colleagues' consilience.
"
"""your proposal has made it quite plain
that my options you wish to constrain,
but i'll not be held back
when i plan an attack.
i won't sign it!"" sy cried with disdain.
"
"i think i will croak! my throat's sore!
there's a froggy in there, and what's more,
he has stolen my voice,
so i croak! i've no choice!
i will choke 'til i croak on the floor.
"
"all the popular people are flockin'
to a town where the music is shockin'.
there's a joint on each block
and about one o'clock
in the morning it rocks?conshohocken!
"
"when our baby is born, the docs say,
they'll take cord blood and store it away.
they have reached a conclusion:
it's good for transfusion
should our baby require it some day.
"
"for christmas, i've given each aide
a clasp knife (a sharp folding blade),
but i'm sorry i did.
if relationships skid,
might a knife fight break out? i'm afraid!
"
"this rock's made of many a clast
joined by nature, some time in the past,
using methods quite drastic.
it's thus known as clastic?
vast masses of stone, built to last.
"
"the orator moved one and all
as his baritone voice filled the hall.
by the end of the night
we were ready to fight
in response to his clarion call.
"
"blood corpuscles, white ones and red,
are the cells in the blood that you've shed.
if you don't stop that bleeding,
your limit exceeding,
you'll end up a corpse, and be dead!
"
"when in paris, class tickets were nixed
for the metro, all passengers mixed,
and today it's a fixture:
this awkward commixture
of the poor and the comfortably fixed.
"
"his contaminant brought us pollution.
track him down! i will have retribution!
the damage? extensive.
the cleanup? expensive.
he'll pay for the job's execution.
"
"doctor rose? her response was moronic?
instead of prescribing a tonic
for the cold in joe's nose,
chose a hose, i suppose?
she decreed that he'd need a colonic.
"
"when your kid has bronchitis or croup
or the kind of a cough that goes ""whoop!""
you give antibiotics.
my mom shuns exotics;
her chicken soup works?that's the scoop!
"
"paul was born with what's called coloboma,
a defect that is found in the stroma
that is part of his eye.
seems his docs don't know why
and they fear it might lead to glaucoma.
"
"a classicist studies and seeks
to know more about romans and greeks.
and a classist?  this guy is
a bigot, whose bias
is class-based, you'll learn when he speaks.
"
"plastic's fancy, and i crave a plainer board
for my cartons (a paper no-brainer board),
so of cardboard they're made,
and they're really top grade.
i am proud to be using containerboard.
"
"junior's role in the firm was consultative,
but for mom the effect was exultative,
as she cheered from the gallery,
convinced that the salary
of a ceo'd soon be resultative.
"
"first the needle in vein?there's a jab,
then the specimen's sent to the lab.
then the counter makes counts
and reports its amounts.
these results help your doctor keep tab.
"
"i am not one who usually cries,
but the trial brought tears to my eyes.
as they failed to condemn
the mob boss i contemn,
now the jury i also despise.
"
"one sunday she started a chat
with a churchman. they'd trade tit for tat.
""what a lovely red bonnet;
may i rest my head on it?""
""why, sir!"" ""i'm in love with your hat!""
"
"when the army said they would conscript
me to serve in iraq, i just flipped.
i cried, ""please don't conscribe
me!"" i tried a large bribe;
but i'm drafted. to camp i'll be shipped.
"
"the writer john kennedy toole
met an end that was early and cruel.
critics later thought highly
of ignatius j. reilly,
his protagonist?foolish but cool.
"
"although some of us worked at a distance,
our project had perfect consistence.
i presented it proudly
to the boss, who howled loudly?
i encountered a perfect resistance.
"
"contagiousness, in a disease,
is a trait that's not likely to please;
but if you consider
a yawn, smile, or titter,
the trait isn't harmful in these.
"
"her breath was perfume-like and floral;
her mouth was the color of coral,
and it begged to be kissed.
i just couldn't resist,
and then there were my lips (circumoral).
"
"through my childhood i slept on a pillow
that was stiff and as scratchy as brillo.
when i tried to complain,
momma cried, ""you're a pain.
why it's smooth as a soft pussy willow!""
"
"let us not appear too sentimental.
the army  we call continental
wasn't expertly trained,
its resources were strained,
and its methods were not always gentle.
"
"""caveman dana, you're bound to impress
our cave-taxmen?the cave irs?
as your profits are mounting.
you need cost accounting
to assure your continued success.""
"
"the new baby is fretful and colicky,
so his mom's neither cheerful nor frolicky.
says his gram, ""he'll outgrow it.
they all  do. i know it!
quite soon he'll be playful and rollicky.""
"
"wilhelmina was willowy, stately;
her behavior was formal, innately.
although john was a comer,
she judged him a bummer?
an upstart, a johnny-come-lately.
"
"so because of my coffee's poor status,
there's a gadget greg granted me, gratis?
not a grinder nor shaker,
a krups coffee maker?
life's great with our new apparatus.
"
"seems that colza's related to rape?
does that fact leave you shaken, agape?
but it's not molestation
or sex violation;
it's a mustard?same genus, same shape.
"
"just got wind of the death of your boss?
that persnickety pest, often cross?
one whose pats on the ass meant
gross sexual harassment.
condolences, dear, on your loss.
"
"genus corvus, the raven or crow,
is a bird we're all likely to know;
and a warm salutation
to the crow's constellation
i offer from those down below.
"
"it seems an extreme incongruity
that i give my son sy a gratuity
when he cleans his room, and
cuts the lawn, but his hand
is extended with high conspicuity.
"
"yes, he sticks out his hand with conspicuousness,
though his work's often low on meticulousness,
and i give him a tip.
am i losing my grip?
having kids is the height of ridiculousness!
"
"one-priced tickets without class restriction?
this policy favors commixtion.
to avoid hoi polloi,
take a taxi, my boy.
my prediction? more comfort, less friction.
"
"their attitude always offends.
they use tricks that will help gain their ends.
with a sharp closeup lens
they'll invade your new benz?
paparazzi are never your friends!
"
"caveman dana, intrepid inventor,
has a finance advisor as mentor.
""man, your books are a mess!
i'll redo them, i guess.
for each product, you need a cost center.""
"
"""a comfort zone, yes, as you've guessed,
is the atmosphere where you feel best.
there are two comfort zones,""
said the nudist, miss jones,
""one for naked, the other for dressed.""
"
"now it's august, and dad thinks i sinned in
my internship. what a great wind in
the phone dad has blown!
yo, i don't live alone?
i am living in london with lyndon.
"
"jemima, the climber, sure likes
climbing irons, those gizmos with spikes.
""they are sweeter than candies
when i'm scaling the andes,
or on one of my high mountain hikes.""
"
"although mike made a moving oration
in the injury case presentation,
and his client was blinded,
the judge was closed-minded
and failed to award compensation.
"
"all the boys in the bay side-by-side'll
convince you my guys are not idle.
at low tide every day
crews clam north and south bay.
they're in sync 'cause the shores are cotidal.
"
"after selling kay fake-label raiment,
the knave felt ashamed and made payment.
his decision? autonomous.
the disbursement? anonymous.
the winner? his unaware claimant.
"
"with conscience the swindler was smitten.
""to atone for my crime's only fittin'!
i feel shame, and to blame,
but i won't sign my name
to the 'pardon me' note i have written.""
"
"as she carelessly sat in a chair
in the window, while combing her hair,
not a stitch did she wear;
she was bare. mary claire
did it consciously, clearly aware.
"
"i'm disgusted. i don't understand.
i had writer's block once, but i banned
it and felt like a champ.
now i've got this damned cramp?
that's the cheirospasm, crippling my hand.
"
"my dog (mel the collie) once put
his front paw in some colly (that's soot),
and my granddaughter polly
yelled, ""grandma, by golly,
your collie has collied his foot!""
"
"the effect lottie sought was hypnotic.
her dance was from thailand?exotic,
but it seemed less erotic
than just plain psychotic.
the final result was chaotic.
"
"nan grew up with the nuns in a cloister.
now she's twenty and mom wants to foist her
on my best buddy ed,
who said, ""hell, i won't wed
any girl who's not likely to roister.""
"
"a chip log's the gadget we'd need
if we sailed on the bay and would heed
not the water's viscosity,
but the sailboat's velocity.
it would help us by measuring speed.
"
"on her wedding night, nan will allow,
they will consummate god's holy vow.
but the word is a puzzle;
in their bed, will they guzzle
thin beef broth? she can't figure how!
"
"in the opera she sang carry nation
with gusto in each altercation
and with pathos as well?
brilliant acting will tell?
a magnificent characterization!
"
"from a book, she took copious notes,
then in speeches made copious quotes,
all expressed with perfection.
in the current election,
she's hoping for copious votes!
"
"plan to pilfer some goods from a shop?
think it over, my friend, and then stop.
today camcorders catch
all the stuff that you snatch,
so a cop can observe what you cop.
"
"when the criminals formed a consortion,
planning crimes of enormous proportion,
they eschewed petty theft
for felonious heft?
prostitution, narcotics, extortion.
"
"i expected a strong commendation.
commination, instead, brought deflation.
forceful word? it applies.
to my shock and surprise,
i was threatened with hell and damnation!
"
"a vain, egotistical bloke
tried, through newspaper ads, to convoke
an uproarious crowd
who would cheer him out loud
and would bellow ""amen!"" when he spoke.
"
"""simplistic!"" declared the romantic,
and this word drove the classicist frantic.
""my preference, stylistic
remains classicistic;
my featherbrained friend, you're pedantic!""
"
"caveman dana? his reign was draconian
in his workshop, which used the clactonian
technology rules
to produce the stone tools
now displayed in the famous smithsonian.
"
"there's a corporal?one of the troops;
there are corpuscles, moving in groups
in your blood vessels, and
there's the whip, till your hand,
giving corporal punishment, droops.
"
"our meeting, i guess i should mention,
commenced full of pressure and tension,
but the boss's invention
accomplished consension:
he threatened to wipe out our pension.
"
"on various points, miscellaneous
(some pertinent, others extraneous),
we twelve were accordant.
his humor, quite mordant,
enforced a rapport consentaneous.
"
"a jocular surgeon named jones
made puns that elicited groans.
his skill? orthopedic.
his patter? comedic?
they laughed while he set fractured bones.
"
"near the house, mother grew cottage pink.
i complained of the terrible stink.
she replied, ""son, they're fragrant.
your behavior is flagrant;
i think you should visit a shrink!""
"
"when my grandfather died, it seemed he
didn't trust that my mother would be
handling funds with great skill
for his trust. in his will,
he decreed i should be cotrustee.
"
"we invited the stranger to dine.
his manners and clothing were fine,
but he turned out a wastrel.
he picked up his costrel
by its twine, and he guzzled the wine.
"
"the christmas bells toll christmas eve,
and in longfellow's poem, i believe,
but they're also blooms grown
in australia alone?
what? they're now growing where? tel aviv?
"
"i've had many a peak and a trough;
now the critics all cavil and scoff
at the sculptures i make
(the male sex organs break).
my new statue? it doesn't come off.
"
"ciceronianisms abound
in phil's speech; these he feels are profound;
and although i'm aware
that it's mostly hot air,
there's a nice oratorical sound.
"
"from jun?pero serra's new vine
mission grapes made a drink that was fine,
but at present you'll find
grapes of every known kind
used to make california wine.
"
"got some lead, and need money? i'm told
cagliostro, a writer of old,
was an alchemist who
(quite a psychopath too)
knew the magical secrets of gold.
"
"alkermes, in days long gone by,
was a medicine people would try,
though the cordial was grounded
in bugs, then compounded
with alcohol, yielding red dye.
"
"thank goodness i'm now convalescent?
getting well. the disease brought incessant
despair and disgust.
now i'm better and trust
my improvement won't prove evanescent.
"
"from my ex, i get checks.  i write nightly,
interact with great tact?quite contritely.
though i write with remorse
of our recent divorce,
deep inside, i (of course) take it lightly.
"
"about jason, my major complaint
is his continence (sex self-restraint).
he has written a text
called the world? oversexed!,
and i'm vexed?he pretends he's a saint.
"
"patrick visits brazil, and he sees a
sweet lady?a lovely mestiza.
""caboclo?is that
what i call you?"" asks pat.
she sighs, ""yes, but my real name's teresa.""
"
"""to seek justice?my only ambition,""
he cried. ""a con jury's my mission.
i want con jurors!""?though
guess the con didn't know
that the word's definition's ""magician.""
"
"when i'm writing a paper at home,
through my history tomes i must comb,
as i jot down the nomen
of each noble roman
whose consulship graced ancient rome.
"
"the contempt he displayed was the sort
that was more than disdain with a snort
when he badmouthed the judge
saying, ""f...!"" (no, not fudge).
he was fined for contempt of the  court.
"
"we are getting involved, i suspect,
and our lives we've begun to complect.
what? you find my speech quaint?
let me tell you: i ain't
gonna let you?no way?disconnect!
"
"when i traveled last year across ghana,
two pesewas would buy a banana,
and a bundle of cedis
would take you from hades
right up to the state of nirvana.
"
"sy's compliancy spoils our alliance.
he's a follower?makes it a science.
we need someone who's shown
he has thoughts of his own
and who won't think discussion's defiance.
"
"the cell nucleus: there in your cell
all the genes and the chromosomes dwell
that determine your fate
(not just skin tone and weight)?
are you swell or a devil from hell?
"
"my grandmother made a prediction
when i started to read science fiction:
that my heart rate would speed,
on my brow sweat would bead,
and my throat would squeeze shut by constriction.
"
"an anti-red activist, dinah,
when moving to south carolina,
dumped the shanghai-made plates
out of all of her crates;
said, ""i won't eat off communist china!""
"
"do you mind if i stand on this chair?
i can stare at our model from there.
since our teacher is grading
our drawings on shading,
i'm using a crayon that's square.
"
"my coach dog's a canine sensation.
""that's his breed, silly, not his vocation!
he's not coach of a team
of brave sled dogs!"" i scream.
""he's a champion full-bred dalmatian!""
"
"time has passed, and i feel we're affectionless.
our affair has gone stale and directionless.
our romance hit the floor;
we're not joined, any more,
at the hip. gonna skip.  we're connectionless.
"
"in the shop window?there our reflectedness
reinforces our sense of selectedness.
since our amorous trip,
we've been joined at the hip;
all the world can observe our connectedness!
"
"let me ask: would you ever suspect
cleopatra and caesar'd connect?
and on further reflection
would you find this connection
one romans would surely reject?
"
"the chronologer? he's a recorder,
collector and studious sorter
of events (wars or crimes)
that occur at odd times.
his task is to put them in order.
"
"brother bryce, if you'll take my advice,
you'll get rid of ms weiss.  she's not nice.
you approach her with boldness;
she counters with coldness.
folks call her the ""princess of ice.""
"
"in this sugar the granules are fine.
it's been neatly designed to combine
in the icing one makes
for the cakes that one bakes.
it's confectioners' sugar?divine!
"
"he's my colleague; we're both cpas.
we do lunch, and my friend never pays,
but the guy overlooks,
when he audits my books,
certain ""errors""?and that earns my praise.
"
"though our partnership's not very functional,
our thinking is always conjunctional,
so we both guarantee
that we're sure to agree
till that ultimate rite (extreme-unctional).
"
"in scene one, on a llama, a lama
in pajamas, in old yokohama,
finds his momma?but, hey!
i'm not staging my play.
it is meant to be read (closet drama).
"
"an athlete who gives every ounce'll
be a councilor fit for our council,
not the counselor who
may be counseling you,
nor the consul (but maybe his bounce'll).
"
"come along, dr. towle, on our hunt;
we are fishing for cottonwick (grunt).
should you hear the fish growl,
please don't scowl and don't howl;
this odd fish gets its name from that stunt.
"
"dana's wishes were always ambitious:
""although saber-toothed tigers are vicious,
if tamed, these big cats
should be great to catch rats?
and for mice,"" he  opined, ""expeditious!""
"
"in his thesis, great-grandfather wrote
of the eye and its parts.  i will quote:
""it has pigment that might
help absorb scattered light.""
he referred to the eye's choroid coat.
"
"the obsession with matters alchemic
(a delusion that's rare though endemic)
troubles people, i'm told,
who attempt to make gold,
but it's hopeless?thus ends my polemic.
"
"when i boasted i'd found a rare fossil,
what i thought she had cried was ""colossal!""
but ""callosal,"" she'd said,
meaning ""inside my head.""
my heart bled. i saw red but was docile.
"
"""what's for lunch? i am starving!"" wailed willy.
""a cold dish,"" answered sue, ""won't be silly.
it's a hot steamy day,
and the cook is away.""
""something coldish? that has to be chili!""
"
"atossa was daughter of cyrus
(that emperor, brave but acquirous).
in his play called the persians,
old aeschylus' version's
a portrait of her on papyrus.
"
"in the films of montgomery clift,
his roles always gave us a lift.
he could charm, rage, or squeal,
play a hero or heel,
since for acting he had a great gift.
"
"while in class i was happily napping,
the prof described chromosome mapping:
""finding each gene's location
is a fine occupation...""
i awoke to the sound of his yapping.
"
"chapter seven created the sense
of anxiety?swift and intense.
never boring or pale
is this cliff-hanging tale;
it is thrilling and filled with suspense.
"
"training animals?that is my mission,
and i don't have to be a magician.
new behavior's acquired
as the neurons are fired,
using reflexes i can condition.
"
"once many a mom was receiver
of infection they called childbed fever.
men like semmelweis found
dirty hands passed it round;
in good hygiene he was a believer.
"
"in medieval armed struggles of yore,
chain mail?neath their armor?men wore,
while a chain letter, sent
through the mail, and ill-meant,
is a letter you'd better ignore.
"
"this diaphragm, bought at great price,
is a nice contraceptive device.
i have used the thing twice.
will it really suffice?
am i gambling?just rolling the dice?
"
"contaminating substances are
bombarding my head from a star,
and its poisonous rays
set my whiskers ablaze.
am i crazy? just slightly bizarre?
"
"if you buy a child's lemonade sign
'cause the pitcher's tipped over, that's fine;
as the spilled liquid dries,
you may not win a prize:
such rewards are more likely condign.
"
"what we think of as coconuts are
known by several names, and that's par
for the course. coco's one
that sounds humorous, fun,
but there's cokernut?that goes too far!
"
"veterinarians always have known
how to find the obscure coffin bone:
to locate it, just point
to the limb's coffin joint.
it's below it and looks like a cone.
"
"i started to drink in the spring
like a mogul, a pasha, a king,
then dried out in october.
by new year? cold sober!
guess next year, i'll do the same thing.
"
"in london i spent half a year
eating bangers and mash, drinking beer.
now my friends all complain
that my speech is insane.
you ask why? i am cockneyfied, dear.
"
"she's the woman i'd most like to join,
soul to soul, heart to heart, loin to loin.
she will soon be my spouse
and we'll build us a house.
in my palace of life, she's the coign.
"
"""frank discussions?"" my dear, that's a code word,
euphemistic?this week's ? la mode word.
it means that we fought
and we came up with naught;
speaking frankly, i'd use an explode-word.
"
"when i'm tense and i want to be calm,
sitting under this tree is a balm,
unless coconuts fall
on my head; after all,
it's the tree that we call coco palm.
"
"i'm invited by fred to coedit
his limerick book, but i dread it.
i figure that jerk
will make me do the work,
and then he will preempt all the credit.
"
"wayne complains i can't make coffee right;
give him black and he wants coffee light,
so i hope some day we
are all forced to drink tea?
when the world has a great coffee blight.
"
"she'd a  breathtaking d?colletage?
so much glamour, she seemed a mirage.
and it took me two hours
just to pin on her flowers:
a corsage for her lovely corsage.
"
"there once was a sculptor named marvin
who couldn't sell heads he was carvin',
as he always made noses
projecting like hoses;
god knows?that's why marvin was starvin'.
"
"my instructor was quite confrontational
when i failed to complete conjugational
lists of verbs, or declension
of nouns.  i should mention
my intention with french?not vocational.
"
"i'm out looking for drugs every night.
i'm addicted to heroin?right!
have you got what i need?
keep your pot and your speed.
man, i'm pleadin' for pure china white.
"
"the bishop of michigan preaches:
""don't go swimming at fresh-water beaches.
there's hirudiniasis
right here in our diocese;
shun bathing in water with leeches.""
"
"it's a word that is well understood
where the homies hang out, in the 'hood.
it's a way to express
something's great, with finesse:
saying ""baaad"" when you mean ""extra good.""
"
"neath my clothes there's a new corselet,
dear sir bors, bra and girdle?best yet!
while of course i'll use force, let
me buckle your corselet.
on your horse, let me help you get set.
"
"herb the germ worked on verb conjugation,
when he suddenly found inspiration,
said, ""this work's for the birds.
i want action, not words.
where is gerty? i crave consummation!""
"
"our colloquium?guess i should mention?
was a most well-attended convention.
as its theme, this packed meeting
had: ""was einstein cheating?""
so it garnered a lot of attention.
"
"have a party to make? you're in luck!
i am selling this case of cold duck.
it is sparkling and sweet,
and the price can't be beat?
twenty bucks! (it fell off of a truck.)
"
"when the new ceo took command,
any self-serving action was banned.
stan was fired for abuse;
he could make no excuse?
in the cookie jar stan had his hand.
"
"a product of learning and skill,
his inventiveness sure filled the bill
for producing grain whiskey
(that keeps us so frisky),
when coffey developed his still.
"
"the cogency of his report,
persuasively pithy and short,
made us fear that our heroes
would all end up zeroes?
it discussed using steroids in sport.
"
"a lady named annabel lee
lived a long time ago, near the sea,
in a poem by poe,
who let everyone know
she loved him and would never love me.
"
"my dad is a sports-score recorder,
both in texas and south of the border.
his most boring of chores?
he'll chronologize scores
in an accurate time-sequence order.
"
"when i look at my cousin, poor nelly,
as she sits on the couch near the telly,
there's a bulge that looks queer?a
late pregnancy? dear! a
celioma is what's in her belly.
"
"city editors know how to please
local readers; they do it with ease,
as in each city hall
there are leaders who fall
due to sex-tinged shenanigans?sleaze!
"
"the chajas (they're called crested screamers),
alert and thus not often dreamers,
are found in brazil
and are trained till they will
guard the poultry from predator schemers.
"
"at the duchess's recent divorce
who got what was a problem, perforce.
said the duke, ""i won't battle it;
i'll give you the chatelet,
but i'll keep the castle, of course!""
"
"coney island's a place to have fun
with its rides, boardwalk, beaches, and sun,
and additional treats?
coney islands one eats.
have a frankfurter served on a bun!
"
"on the surface a model of fineness,
he seems holy, and blessed with divineness;
but he's evil inside,
so it can't be denied
his dark doings give rise to condignness.
"
"as a noun, the word affect's emotion,
as a verb it's a different notion.
to tell them apart
is a mystical art,
one affects an affect of devotion.
"
"since we got our new tabby, we're miceless.
demanding and sly, she's not viceless.
her drive? it's exhaustless.
a stray, she was costless?
to me this sweet kitty is priceless.
"
"in this limerick's lines, let us sing a
sweet song to the bird that will bring a
burst of color so bright
as he whistles in flight;
he's a magical male?a cotinga.
"
"coign of vantage? a very good spot
for a critic who thinks he is hot
and refuses to drudge,
to observe and to judge,
like a voice from on high?though he's not.
"
"made this jelly i've got in my pot
from a plum that just grows where it's hot.
it's not damaged by salt,
but it does have a fault:
can it live through a frost? it cannot.
"
"your letter, confused and discursive,
says i force you to work?i'm ""coercive.""
(that's a quote from your note
to the boss.) what you wrote,
to my future, may well be subversive.
"
"the bangor in question's in maine.
you can get there by plane or by train,
and if ever you go,
there is someone you'll know:
she's the banger who clangs a refrain.
"
"a lady from bangor, in anger,
played wagner and bach on a hanger.
with a whack she'd attack it;
she'd smack it, then clack it.
the racket? less music than clangor.
"
"sis and i, at our mother's insistence,
have established (in peace) coexistence.
it works best, as a rule,
when she's gone off to school?
coexistence improves with her distance.
"
"though i'm fifty and live on my own,
when aunt jacqueline visits, i moan,
and i groan, and i flinch
when the crone gives a pinch,
and then cackles, ""my dear, how you've grown!""
"
"as she planned for her wedding, ms mabel
checked lists, but she still felt unable
to make everyone fit
in a good place to sit?
to configurate guests at each table.
"
"yes, i'm speaking of cohabitation
with a woman of much lower station.
it's still practiced today,
although feminists say
it's a relic of male domination.
"
"concubinage, long, long ago,
was an alternate lifestyle, although
many masters were dastards,
the offspring were bastards,
and concubines couldn't say ""no.""
"
"when the building of roads was complete,
a large truck had been left in the street?
a broken-down mixer.
our crew couldn't fix 'er;
the problem we faced was concrete.
"
"""you must cover yourself,"" mother sighs.
""wear this burqa to hide from men's eyes?
as this covering goes
from your head to your toes.""
""does that cover the subject?"" she cries.
"
"i was floored by the costume he wore:
naval uniform, medals galore,
and his rank i had guessed
by the one on his chest?
golden comma (in french: comma d'or).
"
"lee's a pompous old cop. maybe he's
out-of-date in police expertise.
when he pointed his gun,
he exclaimed, ""do not run,
just conglaciate!"" (should have yelled, ""freeze!"")
"
"my son bjorn? no, he's not a podiatrist,
paring corns, nor a doc (a physiatrist).
he's employed as a cornist,
plays a horn, like a hornist
(no, not horny like thorne, the psychiatrist).
"
"in a combat zone (theater of war)
you'll find many a crack army corps,
while back home it's a prime
urban district for crime?
drive-by shootings, narcotics, and more.
"
"chang and eng? they were twins from siam,
who seemed odd on a close-up exam.
""think our coadunation
would lead to frustration?""
they asked. ""well, we don't give a damn!""
"
"invited to see arabella,
and it's raining? take care, 'cause a fella
may fall for the diva,
run off, and then leave a
gal stranded without an umbrella.
"
"like mixed sounds from an ancient symphonia
is the tree we call citrus limonia.
half a mandarin fruit,
and half lemon, it's cute!
can you grow it in new caledonia?
"
"biochemical forces impel
two substances into a cell?
through the membrane they travel.
the cell won't unravel;
cotransport can work very well.
"
"my friend neil gives a squeal. what's the deal?
he reveals, ""something's biting my heel
and i feel like a meal
for a snake?it's surreal!
now i've caught it?a large congo eel!""
"
"far-off india's where they are from,
and these cluster beans give us guar gum,
which gives thickness to food.
though its name may seem crude,
to its charms the food chemists succumb.
"
"did shakespeare, when on a blind date,
ever think, ""this is fated!"" and rate
her a lass of fine feather?
i'm wondering whether
he'd state, ""kate, you're great as co-mate.""
"
"midst the many shortcomings i suffer,
in chemical lore i'm a duffer.
but my conscience is placid
about citric acid;
its citrate is used as a buffer.
"
"ken suggested a great coadventure.
i agreed, but i later would censure
my date for his grossness.
he ruined our closeness,
when, kissing, he sneezed out his denture.
"
"with my wife, i've a medical crisis.
i'm confused, as the doctor's advice is:
""give this drug for her pain...""
(in her rear or her vein?)
""and be sure that you give it by clysis.""
"
"i once had a wonderful dream.
finding treasure, it seemed, was its theme.
with an oversized awl
i bored into my wall;
golden coins then came forth in a stream.
"
"caveman dana's invented a stick
with a camera inside that goes ""click.""
first he'll aim it real quick,
then a lever he'll flick;
he says chicks get a kick from this trick.
"
"they've entrusted the fortification
of the town to me. this consignation
has the people impressed,
but i'd like to request
that we bypass the grand celebration.
"
"milord, i must make a confession
of my manners untoward?a transgression.
when i sat on the board,
i would often record
what was said in a secret closed session.
"
"in my local community garden,
i have learned how to share and to pardon.
as i work with my neighbors,
we savor our labors;
our attitudes never will harden.
"
"""want to study with brand new computers,
close to home?"" ask the smiling recruiters,
""then you ought to acknowledge
your community college
that caters to needs of commuters.""
"
"in botany, comose means ""hairy"";
seeds with comae appear light and airy.
some examples i've gotten:
the soft seeds of cotton,
or wolfsbane that grows on the prairie.
"
"the cadets in my unit (our cadre)
all call one another compadre.
there are no other gals
in our cohort.  my pals
have decided to call me comadre.
"
"in china a guy with a billion
may lounge in a golden pavilion,
and the spread on his bed
is of silk, china red?
a most opulent color?vermilion.
"
"it is time that i cast an aspersion
on my broker. his adverse excursion:
he'd agreed that we'd buy,
then the price shot up high;
now in debt i've a sudden immersion!
"
"the struggle inside keeps us thriving:
superego for virtue is striving?
while the ego may feel
in control of the wheel,
it's the id that is doing the driving.
"
"seafood's good, but i count it a loss
served up cold and without cocktail sauce.
for your first course at dinner
this topping's a winner
in helping shrimp's taste come across.
"
"a compotator's someone who drinks
alongside of you, till the guy stinks.
this behavior, compotatory,
to the gut may be bloatatory?
at least that's what grandmother thinks.
"
"i've a gig at this jazz fest, a romp.
can you comp on the bass? man, we'll stomp!
what? your comps are next week?
got to study? you geek!
well, i'll give you these tickets?a comp.
"
"she sold me a boxer, a brindle.
i took the dog home, watched him dwindle.
he's sickly and weak,
and his future seems bleak.
guess her kennel's a con game, a swindle.
"
"con spirito wrote the composer,
in the part of the piece that's the closer.
his concerto will end
so no critic or friend
will nod off, like a snoozer or dozer.
"
"they needed a guy who could compt,
and they'd pay him most any amount.
then they found this old compter,
a problem surmounter,
of bookkeeping knowledge, a fount.
"
"please don't overcook pasta, 'cause really
i like mine al dente, not mealy.
conchiglie's the best,
and its goodness is blessed
when there's clam sauce distributed freely.
"
"when to spy on my girlfriend i tried,
with the old concierge i'd collide.
she had eyes, it was said,
in the back of her head,
so the doorkeeper kept me outside.
"
"conterminous areas are
side-by-side, so you needn't go far.
there's a boundary they share.
if you want to be there,
just traverse it from here, in your car.
"
"as she waited to speak to a priest,
she felt beastly. her tears never ceased.
a lowly confessary
who once used a pessary,
she hoped to be cleansed, feel released.
"
"an acephalus fills me with dread,
as if having a nightmare in bed.
an alcelaphus i'll
call an antelope, while
an acephalus hasn't a head.
"
"what's a chaetopod? that is a term
that's applied to an annelid worm,
as its bristle, or seta,
is known as a chaeta.
these beasties can make people squirm.
"
"i accused him of frank ruination
of my wine, using chaptalization.
adding sugar is wrong,
just to make the wine strong,
and a more alcoholic libation.
"
"as they buzz round the blossoms with ease,
they seem friendly and eager to please,
but we've seen more aggression
with each year's succession:
the africanization of bees.
"
"be wary of cartelization
by a large multipronged corporation.
once we shopped mom- and pop-ily,
but we now fear monopoly
may try to take over the nation.
"
"well, our guide charged ahead, like a sarge,
as vindictive as madame de farge.
and the trip wasn't cheap;
daily charges were steep.
why the hell did they put him in charge?
"
"in the bungalow down by the shore,
there's a cottager living once more.
though the cottage was bare,
now a cotter lives there,
and a thistle wreath hangs on the door.
"
"i have searched behind all closet doors;
now i'm crawling around on all fours.
where the hell's my red sweater
with the varsity letter?
perhaps i'll consult chester drawers.
"
"if you step on it barefoot, you'll bristle.
you may curse, but you won't simply whistle.
it's the emblem of scots,
and in scotland, they've lots;
it's the plant that we call cotton thistle.
"
"consecutiveness, i must confess,
is a word that is hard to express
in five lines, all in order,
and i, as recorder,
can't press into anapest stress.
"
"state nicknames? just one is the quota.
how strange that they seek to promote a
wolf-like creature that's sly.
can you please tell me why
the coyote state means ""south dakota""?
"
"to reveal all the passion i feel,
for neil's birthday i'm cooking a meal.
it will start with a wallop?
a creamed dish of scallop
that's cooked in a shell?a coquille.
"
"in japan, lots of women and girls
make their living by diving for pearls.
they are known as the ama;
both daughter and mama
will dive in the dangerous swirls.
"
"the company turned off my cable.
i have no more tv; i'm unable
to watch any station,
or find consolation?
so i cry on my new console table.
"
"i've a wheat farm.  i fear in my gut
an old scourge that is called covered smut?
not a sex magazine
but a fungus that's mean
and makes many a bunt ball or butt.
"
"it's a crisis of major proportions?
pregnant livestock now writhe in contortions.
what infected my sow
and my prize holstein cow?
both are ill with contagious abortions.
"
"circumcircles are circled around
certain polygons; round them they're wound,
circling triangles, stars?
but the logos on cars?
on prohibited signs are they found?
"
"though a man with an aquiline nose
(from aquila, i'm led to suppose,
which is latin for eagle)
may seem haughty or regal,
he's like us: when he sneezes, it blows.
"
"irrefutable facts i will muster
when i meet with the tax-rate adjuster.
if i don't get a break,
this last failure will make,
of my troubles, a clump (that's a cluster).
"
"my favorite squeeze, ann louise,
requested some caer-phil-ly cheese.
when i said, ""don't be silly;
the name is caer-phil-ly!""
said she, ""hold it carefully, please.""
"
"a colpospasm troubled young dinah,
who tried very hard to refine a
look of spotless divinity
to guard her virginity.
(she'd a painful, spasmodic vagina.)
"
"being sick, in itself, is a curse.
comorbidities make it much worse?
even harder than hell
to become really well?
and a drain, sad to tell, on the purse.
"
"my cough drops are there on the table.
the contents appear on the label.
i scan the ingredients,
arranged with expedience?
its language reminds me of babel.
"
"he inspected the model with graveness.
she had dieted hard and with braveness.
her abdomen's shape
made him smile, and then gape;
it was characterized by concaveness.
"
"to inflate our balloons, i attest air
from this pump is the absolute best air.
if you fill them by blowing,
our work you'll be slowing,
so we're going to use this compressed air.
"
"though he claimed, for his work, indispensableness,
we found that it lacked comprehensibleness.
when his plan was discussed,
he objected and fussed,
but it hadn't a whit of defensibleness.
"
"""the comb jellies, known as ctenophora
(not like throw pillows?those are discophora)?
have they ribbon-like shapes?""
patsy asks, as she gapes.
""yes, they do,"" she goes on (an hypophora).
"
"when you're going to visit your chum,
you are heading for someone?you come.
can one come, also go
all at once? i don't know.
am i numb or is language just dumb?
"
"though he'd searched for an awful long time, it
turned out the right field. how sublime! it
combined in one science
an exciting alliance?
climatology, study of climate.
"
"an abra, so it seems, is a crack
in a mesa, that goes front to back.
for a climber, such space
can appear any place
so be careful and don't lose your pack.
"
"we arrive, and i'm nearly unable
to sit at the conference table.
might we fight and bang heads?
will he tear me to shreds?
will my prof appear really unstable?
"
"thinking dimly of gloom and of doom,
and as nervous as any new groom,
i deliver my speech;
and he smiles?not a screech?
just applause fills the conference room.
"
"a confessionist?  this fellow's chief
life objective's professing belief
upon which his faith's built.
he's not blurting out guilt
to police, when he's caught as a thief.
"
"each sunday, when i'm a confessant,
i feel like a scared adolescent.
my head really spins
as i sing out my sins.
what i need is an anti-depressant.
"
"she was slick, and a hot-looking chick.
i assumed, when we met, we would click,
but the gal put me on
with a smile and a con?
yes, a swindle, a confidence trick.
"
"when they railed at my latest creation,
my agent, enraged with frustration,
seemed conquassated, and,
when i looked at her hand,
it was shaking with great agitation.
"
"the students are tired of compliance.
last night they declared their defiance.
with a rep from each dorm, a
committee they'll form?a
confederation, a league, an alliance.
"
"conducent's a word, i confess,
that's conducent to nothing but stress.
an outmoded antique,
it has nothing unique
that conducive can't also express!
"
"condurango was thought an advancer
in the struggle to overcome cancer.
drugs refined, by design,
from the bark of this vine
seemed at one time to promise an answer.
"
"americanizing la france,
where our culture we seek to ensconce?
french adore such things as
jerry lewis and jazz,
but we don't have un ombre d'une chance.
"
"one italian composer is seen
as, of opera writers, the dean.
g. verdi's his name;
would his fame be the same
if it's anglicized: mr. joe green?
"
"my vision is sharp as an eagle.
my bearing is anthropoid, regal.
so you might be surprised
that my tail's not disguised.
i've been animalized. i'm meg beagle!
"
"""catabolites, hangin' aroun'
can mean trouble,"" said doc with a frown.
""as you know very well,
all that stuff in your cell
will catabolize (rot or break down).""
"
"you've been canned and you no longer work?
you attribute this fact to a quirk
of your chief's personality?
or a mere technicality?
let me capsulize why?you're a jerk!
"
"you carbonize toast when you burn it?
if it's covered with soot, folks will spurn it?
or it's carburization,
a fine combination
of metal with carbon?gosh durn it!
"
"to your passion i have no objection,
but i fear it will change its direction.
spread it over a lifetime,
a husband-and-wife time;
annuitize love and affection!
"
"although microbes are tiny in size,
their effects can amaze and surprise.
they produce many ranges
of chemical changes.
you'll bacterize if you are wise.
"
"arrak is a word that can shrink
to arak ? the same meaning, i think.
at a banquet or feast
through the whole middle east,
arrak is what arabs will drink.
"
"how boys and girls form an alliance
is not explicated by science.
they date, he sends roses,
they mate, he proposes,
and that's how two people affiance.
"
"at the station, a fellow named beck
wondered: where is my train? did it wreck??
felt so chafed he could curse,
and to make matters worse,
his collar was chafing his neck.
"
"""i've invented a glider,"" said biff.
""now i'm waiting for winds that are stiff.
then i'll prove i can fly;
i'll step out in the sky?
yes, i'll dive from a rockface?this cliff.""
"
"it's beef, or it's pork?but not turkey?
this meat with the name that is quirky.
just hand me your car key;
i'll shop for some charqui?
come back with a pack of beef jerky.
"
"we citizens had an initial
impression that wasn't auspicial.
is our new city father
too busy to bother
with anything not superficial?
"
"i'm convinced that the chef was malicious;
his idea of a joke was pernicious.
shredded cardboard, it's true,
he would put in the stew;
adding ash made his bread cineritious.
"
"call it cor-deel or call it cor-deel?
whichever has greater appeal.
there are ten thousand souls
on municipal rolls
in this town down in georgia?for real!
"
"there's a knock on the door.  here's this fella
with a shoe made of glass, but don't tell a
wicked stepsister he's
not a guy selling cheese.
say, has anyone seen cinderella?
"
"kate spent eight thousand dollars on raiment,
but never came up with the payment.
now she cowers in fright,
getting calls every night
from the firm representing the claimant.
"
"to an alehouse, both i and my guy
sallied forth on the fourth of july.
we were slaking our thirst
when a firework burst,
and we landed in newport, r.i.
"
"chloropal is one kind of stone
you're unlikely to find on your own.
in few places it's found,
lying deep in the ground;
you won't find it unless you are shown.
"
"you'll collaborate? he's a dictator!
the man is a bigot and hater.
if this despot's creation
has conquered your nation,
to collaborate means you're a traitor.
"
"though he lost all his dough in the crash,
mr. nash was soon back in the cash.
his arrangement was bold;
meat and onions he sold?
heaping plates of his mom's corned beef hash.
"
"it's certain the eye is the situs
of pain when you have choroiditis.
severe inflammation
can cause aberration
in sight, with acute uveitis.
"
"as he waited, his fancy took flight,
and he thought he'd get high as a kite,
till he found at the dockside
he'd purchased zinc oxide;
not china, he'd bought chinese white!
"
"seems that chica's a drink that is strong,
a cosmetic, or dance (not a song).
it is not quite a tango,
but more a fandango?
i try, but my feet get it wrong.
"
"since a new ceo took the reins
of our business, we're having great pains.
he has cost-cutting ways
(""cut expenses?it pays!""):
from the loss of our jobs the boss gains.
"
"it's a tale generations will tell:
about lady godiva, a belle
who rode bareback, perforce,
through the town on her horse,
and was barebacked (barefronted as well).
"
"as we sat in the bistro and dined
and drank wine, i'd relax and unwind,
but the more that i'd drink,
the less i could think,
until nothing at all came to mind.
"
"grandpa strull went to look for his bull.
he'd been daydreaming, gathering wool.
in the barn, what was brewing?
happy heifers were cooing;
of their mooing the cowshed was full.
"
"when i study electron collision,
i prefer to observe with precision.
as the text illustrations
are tinted creations,
i'm glad i've chromatic-type vision.
"
"the melon that melanie gave us
seemed dented; its side was concavous?
the result of a punch?
well, we ate it for lunch.
now we find it was rotted.  god save us!
"
"though to swallow this pill is the norm,
it comes in a chewable form.
its consistency's pasty,
and it's not very tasty;
try it mixed in some oatmeal that's warm.
"
"copulation? i practice restraint.
a lothario? that's what i ain't!
i am continent, yes,
but my bladder's a mess.
i'm incontinent?that's my complaint!
"
"this reaction, for seth, is esthetic,
and lipid digestion magnetic.
when asked to explain,
he declares, ""in the main,
'cause the process is chylopoetic.""
"
"the perfumes tommy bought were intense,
and the gift was a major expense.
""they are rare,"" he opined,
""and extremely refined!""?
but i fear that they're just common scents.
"
"what is consequent? that which will follow,
like spring with return of the swallow,
as day follows night,
and the coming of light
when the sky's being crossed by apollo.
"
"coleopteran? beetle or weevil.
most are harmless, but some may do evil?
i haven't forgotten
the bugs that spoil cotton
and cause economic upheaval.
"
"""to be modest, one always wears trunks
when, in wading through marshes, one dunks,
catching creatures paludinal,""
says the old consuetudinal?
a book on the customs of monks.
"
"the cocksfoot is grown every day
as a pasture grass. further, it may
be cut down and then dried,
and then piled up outside,
where it's worth a few bucks. that ain't hay!
"
"a cockleburr's one kind of nettle
that's prickly (not soft like a petal).
when out for a ramble,
look out for this bramble
in places your fanny may settle.
"
"you needn't consult a presidium
or purchase a ring with iridium
if you wish to explore
the conidiophore,
as it sexlessly makes the conidium.
"
"chalicosis: the same as chalcosis?
no?each a distinct diagnosis.
the first of them must
be acquired breathing dust.
and the other's from copper?psychosis.
"
"the directors are all in accord
that to me they will make this award.
i'll at last get a chance
to finesse high finance;
it's the chairmanship, yes, of the board!
"
"in zimbabwe instructors will teach
in two species of bantu, and each
is a language.  one's named
chishona; it's claimed
that this term describes some native speech.
"
"a chironomid's one of those midges
that are found around lakes and neath bridges?
a mosquito-like sight,
but polite?they don't bite,
so your skin's not in lumpy red ridges.
"
"he's a chewa; he lives in malawi,
and he'll rhotacize. out on safari,
if he shoots at a shepherd
instead of a leopard,
he's likely to say, ""gosh, i'm sowwy!""
"
"in the war that was called franco-prussian,
the breechloading chassepot's percussion
provided the shot
that was hot?was it not??
but it needed a whole lot of brushin'.
"
"after years of sustained perseverance,
i've finally been granted the clearance
to launch my new rocket.
it's novel; don't knock it,
and please?i want no interference!
"
"congruence: the status of being
congruent, that is, of agreeing.
it's the state in which you
and another congrue
(your congruency this guaranteeing).
"
"when your exurb begins to be citified,
city planning assures it is prettified.
such urbanization
can cause consternation,
so growth must be tamed and committee-fied.
"
"from the lovely and rare cocobolo
came the stick used when rollo played polo.
it's so dense, it has tone
when it's struck, so he's known
to have loaned it to joan to sing solo.
"
"now the ""fair sex,"" accused of frivolity
all through history and in each polity,
seeks protection in laws?
not because of such flaws,
but in fairness; we ask coequality.
"
"if you atomize something, you may
convert what was liquid to spray,
but an enemy who
wants to atomize you
would use nuclear weapons, i'd say.
"
"don't anesthetize half of my face
if you just cut my gums in one place!
but there's no point in urgin'
my deaf oral surgeon.
his novocaine dose? a disgrace!
"
"to acclimatize means to adapt
to surroundings in which you're enwrapped,
so adjust to the heat
with light clothes and bare feet,
and feel comfortable rather than trapped.
"
"apoenzymes are proteins that try
to get chemical actions to fly,
but they can't become active
without those attractive
coenzymes to which they must tie.
"
"same birthday? we're thus coetaneous.
our existences? they're contemporaneous,
but i'd like you to know
that i'm happy to go
through my life on my own?you're extraneous!
"
"of a heavenly pastry i sing.
it's a cake that is fit for a king,
though to bake it's exhausting?
i'm awful with frosting;
my mate makes a great coffee ring.
"
"the effect on the school was sensational?
not at all, as we feared, confrontational?
when a bevy of females
joined traditional he-males,
and our college went coeducational.
"
"here's a test; let's find out how you rate.
write the capital down for each state.
have you harrisburg? salem?
i knew you would nail 'em!
annapolis? dover? that's great!
"
"in addition, there's this situation:
some organs are post-transplantation;
chimerism's made
by a surgical blade?
but only in that one location.
"
"""you're conditioning?"" asked my friend kit.
""i'm delighted that soon you'll be fit.
are you weightlifting yet?
do you work up a sweat?""
""i'm just washing my hair, kit?you twit!""
"
"a consortium? that's our society.
we've united, with perfect propriety,
for a worthy variety
of goals, like sobriety.
doing good, we avoid notoriety.
"
"when you meet a delectable miss,
the conventional wisdom is this:
if you're gentle and sweet,
and don't step on her feet,
she'll reward your restraint with a kiss.
"
"a chabuk is used in the east
for whipping a drayhorse, poor beast,
or for whipping a man
so intensely he can
be in need of a shaman or priest.
"
"yaeger bakes at a backbreaking rate,
sells his cakes for six bucks?we charge eight?
and these cakes baked in haste
have more flavor and taste.
his competitive advantage is great.
"
"the fog settled down from above 'er,
providing a wonderful cover.
she's hidden in mist
as she waits to be kissed
in a tryst with her mystery lover.
"
"mother tries, but she never predicts
the gift jennifer picks, which conflicts
with her wishes and dreams.
this year's present, it seems,
is a boa?the kind that constricts.
"
"if we rode in the company car,
you'd find it more classy by far.
just imagine the passion,
the stylishness, fashion?
a car that cries ""harper's bazaar!""
"
"in amarna, an ancient egyptian
had fits that defied all description?
so intense and horrific
that no hieroglyphic
could capture the english: conniption.
"
"for a monk, faith's devotion runs deep,
and canonical hours he'll keep.
at compline he'll pray,
at the end of each day,
think of silence and death?then he'll sleep.
"
"three conspirators sat on a yacht
(what a wonderful spot to complot!)
and concocted a plan
to ban brands from japan.
was the complot successful?  guess not.
"
"""yes, my play, one might say, has a weightedness,""
jay replied, ""...as it deals with life's fatedness,
and its theme is a dream
of life's scheme. it would seem
that alone would dictate complicatedness!""
"
"act one of jay's play caused elatedness;
by act two, we had switched to sedatedness.
then the plot grew confused,
and now jay is accused
of expressing excess complicatedness.
"
"in this bust, great augustus looks staid.
out of cipolin marble it's made.
might he mind being seen
with a face streaked with green?
can't be helped?i'm afraid it won't fade.
"
"if your train has to travel uphill,
here's a hint that will help fill the bill:
what will keep you on track
so your train won't roll back?
what will hack it? a cog railway will!
"
"compound interest at first was a prank
for which brave caveman dana we thank.
after cavewomen's ravings
of burgeoning savings,
he founded the first stone age bank.
"
"writing limericks?that is my goal
as i go out each day for a stroll.
and while others may talk,
i compose as i walk;
it's an impulse beyond my control.
"
"i saw tessie's new play, and i guess
i'll confess it's a characterless mess.
i don't mean there's no hero,
or the cast size is zero?
but i stress its insipidness, yes!
"
"my competence? currently core.
self-improvement? for me not a chore.
i will study enough
so i'll learn extra stuff,
and no colleague will ever know more!
"
"he concerted a viable plan:
""though i can't cross that barbed-wire span,
i'll just play on the pier.
when he comes out to hear
my brief concert, i'll capture my man.""
"
"its builders, artistic and smart,
used their arts and their hearts in each part.
every piece of stained glass
tints the light as you pass
through the lovely cathedral at chartres.
"
"our schedules are synchronized so
that the treatment's on pace, and we'll know
we have cinchonized mary, a
girl with malaria?
dosage must reach a plateau.
"
"i've decided to learn how to bake
and, unshaken, i'm planning to make
my first try as a rookie
a chocolate chip cookie,
before i attempt chocolate cake.
"
"his job was to serve a subpoena
to the boss of the local marina.
since the job made him sad,
he decided to add
several jigs on his old concertina.
"
"my boyfriend's an addict who stole
and accused me of playing a role.
now i'm named codefendant
but i'm not codependent?
i'll fight my way out of this hole.
"
"we're assigned to the project?all three?
lee (my husband-to-be), me, and bea.
now, if bea comes on strong,
and then lee goes along,
that would complicate matters for me!
"
"this closet's the place where my daughter
hangs her clothing up, just as she aughter,
but it isn't the closet
where you make a deposit?
that's the one with the sign that says waughter...
"
"the new prof, here a year, won't be staying.
the chairman delayed his okaying.
he was rated, belatedly:
""he speaks complicatedly,
and nobody knows what he's saying.""
"
"compilation? this cookbook's compiled
from the recipes milo had filed
and his records of trials
of p?t?s of all styles.
when the publisher saw it, she smiled.
"
"mr. anthony comstock?he saw
dissoluteness in george bernard shaw.
shaw answered with mockery,
he laughed at comstockery
and called it america's flaw.
"
"all your friends and your kith and your kin
love the way that you play violin.
when you concertize, you
let the world hear you, too,
so don't hesitate, sue, jump right in!
"
"it is elegant, stylish, harmonious,
like a mozart sonata, euphonious?
the music within us
is graceful, concinnous
(an old word, but hardly erroneous).
"
"our comradeship gives me great pleasure;
our comradery?how can one measure
our rare camaraderie,
from birth till we're doddery?
at work and at leisure?a treasure.
"
"i like club soda mixed with my whiskey.
fixing highballs that way may be risky.
when i drink my scotch neat,
i'm sedate and discreet,
but the bubbles make trouble?i'm frisky!
"
"the club drugs you'll find at a rave
may seem harmless, but later you'll crave,
and begin to behave
like an addict or slave
to a substance that leads to the grave.
"
"when i take a long journey by train,
it's  monotonous; boredom's a pain,
so in club cars i ride,
and i warm up inside.
with a cocktail, the trip's not in vain.
"
"his philosophy's not of seclusion,
nor the teaching that life's an illusion.
also known as a ju
is the follower who,
a confucian, is free from confusion.
"
"spillin' pus from an abscess is chiliin',
and to take my advice you seem willin'.
if your staph is resistant,
you'll find me insistent
on using the drug cloxacillin.
"
"while sailing, i heard this sad song:
""in my youth i was handsome and strong,
then vile circe bewitched me,
first loved me, then ditched me?
now a pigsty is where i belong!""
"
"celia's eager to make a connection,
but she's leery and fears a rejection,
so she's vigilant, cautious;
though anxious and nauseous,
she proceeds?with extreme circumspection.
"
"when hiking, i'd certainly quake
if i chanced on a coiled coral snake.
lovely bands span its back?
of red, yellow, and black?
but to touch it would be a mistake.
"
"the treatise she wrote on nutritional
compositions of foods was traditional.
her computer then changed
how each page was arranged?
thus its strangeness is all compositional.
"
"since we've dated, i'm feeling elated.
in heaven this match was created.
i was frustrated, blue,
as i waited for you?
i'm convinced that as mates we're confated.
"
"""once cicadas were eaten in greece.
bugs?that's gross!"" said my niece, anneliese.
""ancients ate them?that's history;
but why? that's a mystery.
i'd imagine they'd rather eat geese.""
"
"a bouleversement is a tumble;
something's turned upside down in a jumble;
down is up; up is down.
but this noun makes me frown.
can't pronounce it. can't spell it. i fumble.
"
"aphrodite o'toole wasn't snooty;
taking care of her looks was a duty.
when she practiced her yoga
in a sheer roman toga,
she exhibited classical beauty.
"
"as i sat in the grand circus tent,
the trapeze artists smiled as they went
through the air, fairly flying,
to sighing and crying
of many a lady and gent.
"
"the word commonwealth? here's the straight poop:
several nations joined up in a group.
but some states, like va,
call themselves that today;
pennsylvania is part of that troop.
"
"it's not that i'm lacking in trust,
but it's just that i feel that i must
write it down while we're here,
make it perfectly clear?
so let's concretize what we discussed.
"
"these stones are a clear apple-green.
they're called chrysoprase?gems to be seen
set in brooches and rings,
and in crowns worn by kings,
with a sheen that is fit for a queen.
"
"on one phrase i'm about to expound:
if you wake from a sleep that is sound,
or you change your direction,
or mind, or complexion,
or pay us a call, you've come round.
"
"to a choirboy guy is compared;
he's angelic and sweet, golden-haired.
guess the pastor was shocked
when the church he unlocked
and found guy there with gilda, both bared.
"
"although crackpots and cranks, miscellaneous,
offered theories i thought were extraneous
for what cause was to blame
when he burst into flame,
the combustion, i'm sure, was spontaneous.
"
"for a rescue from rough, choppy seas,
you'll find colza oil eager to please;
soothing lotion, of course,
for a human or horse,
and in cooking?it's good for all these.
"
"british royalty really enjoys
behavior that sometimes annoys,
and inspires this rebuke:
""manners first! you're a duke,
not a commoner (one of the boys)!""
"
"""i really don't know what to call
those sharp skewers on top of your wall.""
""it's my new cheval-de-frise,
and my way to say, 'please
do not trespass?keep out?one and all!'""
"
"as she passed, sy saw lady godiva
and remarked, dripping drops of saliva,
""did you see that gal's eyes?
they're all red; i'd surmise
an acutely inflamed conjunctiva.""
"
"she replied to the critics' damnation
with a long and detailed refutation,
which, though written politely,
concluded, quite rightly:
""in conclusion, you need a vacation.""
"
"it's an old-fashioned word, i agree,
but consignature fascinates me.
it's a simple device:
get your paper signed twice,
whether document, will, or decree.
"
"i'm complainant and he's the defendant;
yes, your honor, my son and descendant.
he lives home, pays no rent,
which i really resent;
he's too old to remain a dependent!
"
"all my records and those of my tutor
could fall prey to a trojan, a looter
that would upload, in piles,
all our choice private files
from the memory of my computer.
"
"the proceeding in court is dramatic,
and the judge throws him out. i'm ecstatic!
with a formal court order,
he's no longer a boarder.
(now he's living upstairs in the attic.)
"
"""you may have an affair, but don't hurtle
into motherhood,"" warned my aunt myrtle.
""if you just want some fun,
not a daughter or son,
contraceptives will keep you infertile.""
"
"i delivered my speech entertainingly,
but my wife merely muttered, disdainingly,
""you're all words and no action,
i've no satisfaction,
and we're still short of greenbacks!"" complainingly.
"
"i fear i may live to regret
making love to a girl i just met.
it was fun when i had 'er
but she looks like an adder?
her black, beady eyes? they're close set.
"
"let me emphasize, children, once more
(though i know you have heard this before):
we're not trying to hide,
but what goes on inside
parents' bedrooms is strictly closed-door.
"
"the president ordered reporters:
""don't you ever make fun of my daughters.
when their feelings are hurt,
the girls treat me like dirt,
and that's tough, as we live in close quarters.""
"
"they claimed they could fly supersonically,
and their statements were not made ironically.
they arrived from afar
and appeared quite bizarre?
as their skulls and their heads were shaped conically.
"
"while his acts were in fact conspiratorial,
he seemed trustworthy, wise, professorial.
many millions he stole
when his gang took control
of the contract to build our memorial.
"
"if you like, we will gladly arrange
for a price for this car you'll think strange.
how can we sell this jeep?
you will think?so darned cheap?
we ask chicken feed, bupkis, chump change!
"
"when i ponder or muse (chew the cud),
inspiration arrives in a flood.
it is then that i choose
the conceptions i'll use,
so my scheme will not seem ""clear as mud.""
"
"when he came to my house, i'd the feeling
it wasn't for sex, but for stealing.
the date was traumatic;
he raided the attic?
the cockloft right over the ceiling.
"
"let's explain this locution: coboose.
it's an alternate spelling, for use
in describing the end
of a train or a friend?
but not one you'd like to seduce.
"
"said the cosmonaut, homesick 'n' moony 'n'
quite depressed, while he flew over chunian,
as he hurtled through space,
""i am not a disgrace.
i'm the pride of the soviet union!""
"
"the devil flies up to our roofs
and of evil provides us his proofs.
if we're home when he chances
to prance as he dances,
we hear his queer rear cloven hoofs.
"
"historians often will mention
philadelphia's famous convention.
its prime contribution?
our great constitution?
gained worldwide and lasting attention.
"
"its flowers smell sweeter than pastry;
it's a shrub and a south-europe-based tree.
from its odd latin name
it has garnered great fame,
but i ask: is it really a chaste tree?
"
"it was found at the time of my birth?
a clubfoot. my dad said, ""it's worth
all our savings.  i'm splurgin'.
i'll find you a surgeon?
the best orthopedist on earth!""
"
"the conessi tree's bark used to be a
prescription to treat diarrhea.
it was used for a while,
but it went out of style.
why? i haven't the slightest idea.
"
"can you help me to find my friend sam, miss?
for our gala, he's dressed as a lamb, miss,
and this prankster i seek
wears a cloak that is greek?
so on top of the lamb is a chlamys.
"
"the surgeons, a long time ago,
had chirurgical practices. though
this term's long out of style,
i still think it's worthwhile;
it's a word many doctors still know.
"
"when i'm bored i go out with my mama,
and we visit out town's cosmorama.
all the world's in that hall
and i feel extra-small,
but i love the excitement and drama!
"
"most historians like to display
their awareness of back in the day:
in a chafery, czars'
iron blooms became bars,
making iron the old-fashioned way.
"
"chiropteran: here's a word that's
unrelated to cats or to rats,
to giraffes or to camels,
or other such mammals.
it's ""batty; related to bats.""
"
"a fellow from east ethiopia
had eyes with pronounced corectopia.
we studied his iris,
which served to inspire us?
for students, a true cornucopia!
"
"immunity comes in two kinds.
one is humoral: antigen binds
to the proteins called antibodies
(abundant, not scanty bodies),
and the other needs t cells, you'll find.
"
"if to dig for some coal you're inclined,
keep in mind it's a terrible grind.
once you locate the coal
you must dig a deep hole.
from your coalpit the coal will be mined.
"
"here's a close-up (an intimate view)
of the babe i intend to pursue.
true, her lipstick's askew,
and her bra strap shows through?
but peruse that outrageous tattoo!
"
"the surface of earth, you may trust,
has been formed as two species of crust.
one is called continental:
by forces not gentle
its mountains were boldly upthrust.
"
"two warships together conspire
to attack me with concentrated fire?
so the target's the same
every time each takes aim.
i'm afraid the result may be dire.
"
"while the twins are alike in agility,
and each brother has equal virility,
when they run, you'll concede
they're unequal in speed?
and with that ends their comparability.
"
"the aged prof's concentration? intense,
and his love of the classics? immense.
though his paycheck is thin,
he remarks with a grin,
""the old word and its sentence compense.""
"
"compassionately (acting humanely),
jamie struggled?alas, it was vainly?
to find homes for stray cats.
it's a worthy cause that's
very hard to achieve (speaking plainly).
"
"in our neighborhood, all of us should
work together?promote public good,
so our commonweal may
be improved. sad to say,
it's a duty that's misunderstood.
"
"you're my comrade, my pal, my compeer.
need some help? you will find me right here;
i'll be first volunteer,
and work hard, persevere.
does that cheer you? then buy me a beer.
"
"compensative pride? her life scheme
is to live out a movie-star dream.
she extols her own roles
and looks down on the proles
to make up for her low self-esteem.
"
"a competitress ran in the race.
her tight shorts, trimmed with sumptuous lace,
and of spandex, defined her,
so the guys stayed behind her,
and she finished the race in first place.
"
"moses claims an acute asbestosis,
though it isn't the right diagnosis.
shaken up in a crash,
he is looking for cash?
it is called compensation neurosis.
"
"congo copal, i claim, is a fossil
from primordial plants. it's colossal.
then steve goes and grieves me;
he never believes me?
like thomas, the doubting apostle.
"
"a coronary? that diagnosis
can sometimes produce a neurosis:
will the pain soon be back??
then a panic attack
masquerades as another thrombosis.
"
"i just swallow the stuff. i'm ignorin'
that its chemical structure's a corrin.
as i'd rather not delve,
i just take my b-12.
i am not into pyrroles. they're borin'.
"
"about half of my heart is auricular,
and the rest, i would guess, is ventricular.
both are given to you;
please don't cut them in two!
ditch your knife and the stone that's coticular.
"
"your nagging, your scolding, your goading?
they're the cause of an awful foreboding.
the burden keeps loading;
i feel like exploding.
our friendship, my dear, is corroding.
"
"caveman dave took a look and was jealous,
went to tell caveman mel, ""let's be zealous.
we will copy (not steal)
dana's wheel. here's the deal:
make them cheap so he won't undersell us.""
"
"commiseration was felt by the nation,
which issued a high commendation
from a special committee
to his family, with pity,
for their loss, and his great dedication.
"
"three meanings defy resolution?
something's pulverized (fine execution),
or a thing's been eroded,
or a broken bone's loaded
with fragments?they're all comminution.
"
"on our commonage?there sheep and cattle
graze happily. landsmen know that'll
keep our village at peace.
should our town charge to lease,
then our men are prepared to do battle.
"
"the small stream near our house tends to flood,
fill our cellar with water and mud,
so i ask (i'm instructible):
might its flow be conductible?
move its path; nip those floods in the bud!
"
"mike will shout at his dogs to concite them,
set his hounds on a crowd (so dogs bite them).
what is mike's motivation
for this wild concitation?
he hates people and does it to spite them.
"
"when you travel by sea, life's complex.
for the privacy needed for sex,
your small cabin suffices.
a word that is nice is:
companionway (stairs between decks).
"
"our chromoblasts, during gestation,
though unformed, have a clear destination:
the making of pigment.
they're not just a figment
of imagin'ry cell transformation.
"
"the camp's income? it's all commissarial.
the px? there my job is diarial.
i've a deep, creepy feeling
that the colonel is stealing,
but my function is just secretarial.
"
"as a lawyer, i've laid out the facta,
and i'm surer than any exacta
that we'll reach an accord
on my client's award,
as his fracture involved the compacta.
"
"his artistic ambitions forsaken,
a job as a teamster he'd taken.
though delivering meat
with fine arts can't compete,
it certainly brings home the bacon.
"
"susie's gloomy?seems out of her groove;
though in treatment, she seems not to move.
i suggested, ""please try
a bit harder.  don't cry;
as you're counselable, sue, you'll improve.""
"
"all bill's tickets were counterfeitly printed.
i'd have bought some, but mindy had hinted
that something was strange:
when he'd given her change,
all the money was counterfeitly minted.
"
"our star actress looked sadder and gloomier
as she worked with the our newest costumier.
""this scene's dress is too tight,
but she can't get it right.
i keep begging her?please make it roomier!""
"
"the anatomy class was somniferous.
the professor seemed almost fatiferous
as he spoke of the spine:
""spinal vertebra nine?
it is one of the line that's costiferous.""
"
"when amaranth flowers are seeding
they engender hay fever.  keep weeding
this plant that's to blame
and has many a name,
among which is this: love-lies-bleeding.
"
"though she yearned for a knight on a courser,
her father was able to force her
to marry kumar
who was coarser by far.
she complained; now he wants to divorce her.
"
"the blow to your arm wasn't gentle,
but i know it was quite accidental.
now your muscle's rebelling
because of the swelling?
the syndrome is called compartmental.
"
"tiny creatures whose lifetime is brief
have constructed this whole coral reef.
their skeletons, lime-
stone, build up over time
to a beauty beyond all belief.
"
"when resentful, my mentor's a venter;
he raises his voice like a stentor;
so my heart's really beating
as we go to this meeting
where i'll speak at the conference center.
"
"when my prof reads my thesis, he's liable
to claim that my theory's not viable.
i maintain that the eagle
gave rise to the beagle?
so with birds this small dog's classifiable.
"
"the word clamant? it's not a misspelling
of claimant, so quell all your yelling.
it's another word for
either ""clamorous,"" or
the words ""urgent,"" ""acute,"" or ""compelling.""
"
"it's my cerebrum. call it my brain,
where i try very hard to retain
all the facts that i know,
though as older i grow,
very few of the suckers remain.
"
"speak of coffey?i'm yearning to learn
of his finances. what's my concern?
he was no iacocca.
as i'm serving jamocha,
tell me what did our friend coffey earn?
"
"there once was a fellow named boyce
who married the girl of his choice.
though she looked like a wary
contrary canary,
she sang with an aureate voice.
"
"our new firm seeks acclaim?that's our aim;
all we need is a company name.
we're considering lots,
because ""lipschitz and plotz""
doesn't seem to proclaim world class fame.
"
"here's a word that, a long time ago,
meant a ""parakeet,"" as you may know.
the word conure, between us,
derived from its genus.
now budgerigar's status quo.
"
"let's make sure, as we plan our foundation,
that there'll be no misrepresentation.
let us say what we mean,
write it down nice and clean?
yes i'm looking for concretization.
"
"""my momma once told me,"" said pete,
""that my breath smelled like sweaty old feet.
now a fine collutorium
from the local emporium,
used repeatedly, leaves my breath sweet.""
"
"as a lineup of three conferrees
waits on stage to receive their degrees,
they are called to a meeting
to discuss student cheating.
three aggrieved conferrees offer pleas.
"
"this movement's not merely a stunt.
we have differing views?let's be blunt!
but the outfit we're forming
to fight global warming
is a left-wing and right- common front.
"
"conacre, in farm country, meant
that a fieldhand or laborer spent
part of income he got
to grow food on a plot?
feed his kin while his earnings paid rent.
"
"the fumitory (vine that is climbing)
defies all my efforts at rhyming.
though its name's not harmonious,
it isn't erroneous?
just not anapestic in timing.
"
"the left costoaxillary vein
in your chest is a vessel that's plain?
a mere triviality
with no personality?
but you need it, so let it remain.
"
"an investor i never would censure
is called, in the trade, an adventure-
type capitalist. he
might risk money on me?
i've invented a fifty-cent denture.
"
"choreic abasia's no fun.
you struggle while other kids run.
when you try to advance,
your saint vitus's dance
is a step that your playmates will shun.
"
"in the far western states you will see
this legume, called the chaparral pea.
as its blooms are dramatic,
you may feel ecstatic?
those flowers will fill you with glee!
"
"epic chansons de geste laud heroic
adventures of men, staunch and stoic,
like dauntless sir roland
who roams high- and lowland
for his king.  they seem paleozoic!
"
"my employer just sent me a fax:
""your fact-finding seems to be lax
since you made a mistake
when you said people make,
out of insects, what's called chinese wax.""
"
"seems that cockpit's a name that remains
from a cock-fighting site; next it reigns
as a chamber of note
below decks on a boat?
now the cockpit's where pilots fly planes.
"
"i perused a synopsis (conspectus)
of a treatise; on what? latrodectus.
(if you're not an insider,
that's ""venomous spider."")
as i read it, i lounged on my lectus.
"
"when she smoked some of sweet-fern's dried leaf, 'er
smoking lasted all night?wasn't briefer;
but she didn't get high
on comptonia. why?
it's too mild.  the stuff's called redneck reefer.
"
"lord mcveer, who was one of the peerage,
lost his fortune, and after the clearage
of cash said, ""in maine
i'll start over again?
but of course i will have to go steerage.""
"
"archeology? dig at canusium,
or go northward to excavate clusium.
what? you now call it chiusi?
well, pardon! mi scusi!
i'll go cross the sea to pelusium.
"
"an arithmetician i know,
good at go (good enough to go pro),
with a grin laughs away
my reluctance to play,
""it's like sex: easy come, easy go.""
"
"my boat is flat-bottomed and rides
on the bay in both high and low tides
when i'm out on the brine.
here, i'll show you the chine,
where the bottom planks join with the sides.
"
"a crate just arrived from the mafia.
it's got bottles, all wrapped up in raffia,
and the postmark is haitian?
but it's no aberration?
cosa nostra's now dealing in taffia!
"
"the word circocele's one of those terms
that gives herb, when he hears it, the squirms.
case in point (anecdotal):
dilated veins, scrotal,
feels to herb like a bag full of worms.
"
"the gorgeous tiara was coral,
but a gift she considered immoral:
""it's against my beliefs
to destroy nature's reefs!
we should settle for wreaths made of laurel.""
"
"he was handsome enough to attract her,
but the actor she dated attacked her.
she considered him phony,
so she threw out his tony?
it was crushed in the garbage compactor.
"
"he maintains that i suffer myopia,
so i don't see his dreamed-of utopia.
when i register doubts,
uncle pouts, and then shouts,
""don't be rash! it's a cash cornucopia.""
"
"i'm hoping you won't think it swagger
when i say that i worked, cloak-and-dagger,
for our own cia.
here's my memoir, and?hey!
that darned agency sure is a gagger!
"
"i delight in my neighbors' bravado?
each a football afficionado.
coloradans are they?
coloradoans? hey!
just the folks from our state?colorado.
"
"the terms of our contracts?  a crime.
our employer's a scrooge?saves each dime?
and he thinks himself clever.
pay overtime? never!
his promise? compensatory time.
"
"the best definition of all
(every one, whether ample or small)
is the one that confines
itself to five lines,
as its terseness will help in recall.
"
"said the teacher, with blatant hostility,
""your daughter lacks corrigibility.
she's disruptive; she'll shout;
i can't straighten her out.
she's disturbing the classroom's tranquility.""
"
"taking flak, under verbal attack,
he'd a comeback to keep him on track.
jack was finally canned,
but a comeback is planned.
""like macarthur,"" says jack, ""i'll come back!""
"
"we're considering citrus?  then we
tend to think about vitamin c.
we forget, i'm afraid,
that from citrus is made
what's called citrin, or vitamin p.
"
"set a price for your horse just in case
it runs poorly and sets a slow pace.
since the bids have been made,
you will gain on the trade
in  a claiming race?saving some face.
"
"he's sloppy; his work is designless.
he's a coward and utterly spineless?
yet he preens and he struts.
do i think that he's nuts?
no?it's just that his ego's confineless.
"
"although some of his words are obscure,
shakespeare's language will always endure.
let us praise as we gaze;
we can learn from his plays
that composture's a word for ""manure.""
"
"he was struggling to reach her, she knew,
and the doors were all sticking like glue.
when he'd rammed his way in,
she said, ""hi,"" with a grin,
""i was certain, my dear, you'd come through.""
"
"after taking an overlong nap,
the old fellow awoke with a snap,
and his face (rip van winkle's)
was covered in wrinkles?
a contour map frown had this chap.
"
"a concerned fianc?, barry claridge,
has considered a covenant marriage:
its purpose, of course?
to discourage divorce,
a custom he tends to disparage.
"
"it's a way to get cells for microscopy
(less painful than gut celioscopy).
it's a simple procedure
you someday may need?yer
whole cervix surveyed by colposcopy.
"
"sy's a sly one; he often connives,
with his buddies, to speed when he drives
and to pass through red lights
while they're higher than kites.
this connivance sy barely survives.
"
"some day i'll collect an anthology
of his goofs, made without an apology.
daddy acts like a child,
and at times becomes wild,
but behaves when i use child psychology.
"
"my cat ran so fast none could beat 'er;
no feline alive could defeat 'er.
then this fella, pete fenster,
ran a cheetah against her.
now my race-cat's dead meat.  pete's a cheater!
"
"dad tried to employ me to edit
his book on commercial bank credit.
it was all about loans?
so i noticed, with groans.
when i read it, i knew i would dread it.
"
"""i'm certain our target is hittable,""
said the mobster. ""this murder's committable.""
when i tried to walk out,
bugsy started to shout,
""hey! your job with the mob isn't quittable!""
"
"in assembling the bones of t. rex,
tex consulted the texts to make checks.
""seems this pelvis, convexly,
curves somewhat complexly.
perplexed, i'm unsure of its sex.""
"
"working solo? the capo had not meant,
you alone should decide the allotment
of our burglarized loot.
work with us or we'll shoot?
no dispute if you join the complotment.
"
"it's easy for me to envision
the process that's called circumcision,
but i've reached this conclusion:
i can't see circumfusion?
with reason it seems in collision.
"
"in ancient times, one might assign a
fine name that implies a divine, a
sublime and not bestial
source; thus celestial
empire's the best name for china.
"
"once i close up the store, we can sup.
here's some coffee. you'll have half a cup?
is this decaf or caf?
darn! my eyesight is half
what it once was; i now read close-up.
"
"there is more here than simple ethology.
we're employing the latest technology
to extend all our finds
about animal minds?
the comparative kind of psychology.
"
"caring not that he's spreading diseases,
jude sprays us whenever he sneezes.
he'll spatter our food
on its platter?jude's rude!
he is conscienceless?does what he pleases!
"
"on a tropical tree, bright and green,
grows the cola nut (berry or bean).
it makes extract with flavor
that many folks savor.
they're cola nuts too?love caffeine!
"
"cohesion means ""sticking together""
in clusters, whatever the weather
that happens along
(when the forces are strong),
like the barbs on the vanes of a feather.
"
"""please be seated.  you will not feel cheated.
to my new magic flute you'll be treated.""
(comparing his notes' art
to the music of mozart,
pete seems just a wee bit conceited.)
"
"this shrub to the west is a stranger,
but it transplants without any danger.
it's better at climbing
than its name is at rhyming?
we call it the climbing hydrangea.
"
"i looked at mom's medical chart
and i felt my whole world come apart;
but her doctor said, ""no.
i'll compart it and show
you the part that describes her strong heart.""
"
"she looks forward, avoiding defeatism,
and her speeches, replete with concretism,
always mean what they say.
there's no abstract in play
as she shuns all pretense and elitism.
"
"you can clarify statements you utter,
or remove (from a liquid) all clutter?
that's what indians do
to make ghee for a stew.
it's a substance called clarified butter.
"
"sid likes cornflakes for breakfast each morn.
his wife sadie's reaction is scorn.
""you reread the same box
every morning,"" she mocks,
""with such passion, you'd think it was porn!""
"
"this librettist, a talented fellow,
helped verdi write operas more mellow
than his works of the past.
these two operas, his last,
were his masterworks: falstaff, otello.
"
"""this limo,"" said barbie, ""is ken's.""
as i focused, i felt that my lens
was pulled tight by the tussle
of my ciliary muscle;
i stared at his mercedes-benz.
"
"of our cotton, this rat makes its nest,
so it damages crops?such a pest!
genus sigmodon? yes,
molars shaped like an s.
it's our farm's most unpopular guest.
"
"this poor sinner is seeking a cure,
like a confiture?clean, sweet, and pure.
the confiteor (prayer)
lets the confitent bare
all his sins. he'll feel better, i'm sure.
"
"will my peers express quibbles, semantic,
as i limerick the word cisatlantic?
(that's a view oceanic
from one's standpoint.) i panic.
can i work in ""titanic""? i'm frantic!
"
"of your expert advice we're desirous.
your ads and your web page inspire us
with your claim?troubleshooter
for any computer.
please help us get over this virus.
"
"for a conning (my guide book said) tower,
i looked round on the sub for an hour.
it is useful, no doubt,
to get in and get out
and for steering?guess there lies its power.
"
"i'm awaiting my fate with docility.
my doctor seeks cell compatibility
with my best buddy, sidney,
who has offered a kidney.
if the tissues don't match? such futility!
"
"no, i'm not gonna have a lobotomy.
they are doing a commissurotomy
on my heart. can't complain?
one is done on the brain,
so it's wise to maintain that dichotomy.
"
"in the coatroom, they'd promised to meet.
""that's the cloakroom,"" he said. ""be discreet!""
and today he promotes
making love behind coats.
""for hot sex"" (and i quote) ""can't be beat!""
"
"the life of a man of the cloth
can be greatly upset by a moth
that eats holes in his vest
so he seems to be dressed
in a waistcoat that's made out of froth.
"
"a comfit is made from a fruit,
or a seed, or a nut, or a root
that with sugar is coated.
this candy is voted
among the most tasty and cute.
"
"his clothing was worn-out and shoddy.
his manner was thick-witted, cloddy.
his language was crude,
and his arms were tattooed?
but, good lord, what a beautiful body!
"
"caveman dana invented the cloak
in july. people thought it a joke,
but when winter came round,
this fur cape, so they found,
was inspired, and of genius, a stroke.
"
"it seems hazy.  i'll find the sky's status
with my weatherman-kit apparatus.
there's a halo around
our sun, and i've found
we are covered by clouds: cirrostratus.
"
"i met my blind date and i took
her to dinner.  i fell for her look.
but her statement would throw me?
she said, ""you won't know me.
i plan to remain a closed book.""
"
"the course of his illness has shown us
he suffers from seizures with clonus.
this new medication
will cure his prostration,
and seizures will stop?that's a bonus.
"
"a clodpate is someone who's dumb?
no more brains in his head than his thumb.
my recommendation:
avoid conversation.
your body and mind will go numb.
"
"our ""save village square"" communality
shows our townspeople's common mentality.
we adore the old place
and we prize empty space.
civic pride is, for us, a reality.
"
"then i picked up the dog's collied paw;
there was soot round the pad and each claw.
mel felt lost and afraid
and depressed.  he displayed
melancholy?his sad face i saw.
"
"although dad speaks of daniel extollingly,
he has handled his scion controllingly.
now that daniel has failed
his exams and been jailed,
dad is comforting daniel consolingly.
"
"buy in china? the firm's comprador
is a guy you ought not to ignore,
as his role is creative.
he's an agent, and native,
so be sure to develop rapport.
"
"this new intercom won't, in reality,
last long, as it lacks practicality.
i was honestly hopin'
for something less open.
its problem? no confidentiality.
"
"the concluders have reached their conclusion:
the phenomenon's merely illusion.
i quote them verbatim:
""we've studied each datum.
and found no support for cold fusion.""
"
"a knight in the king's comitatus
stopped his horse, and he clutched at his latus.
then he smiled a big smile
one could see for a mile.
an afflatus? perhaps; maybe flatus.
"
"i asked liza to cinematize
my last novel, but not to revise
the great twists of its plot,
as i like them a lot.
undisguised, it might win a first prize.
"
"at our meeting, the boss is presiding;
on my fate he may soon be deciding.
he addressed me confidingly,
""entre nous,"" he said, guidingly,
""on this conference your future is riding.""
"
"i've approached with extreme circumspectness:
how to indicate penile erectness.
as there's not a politically
correct word, i'm critically
dejected?in total abjectness.
"
"courtenay-latimer?that was her name?
the wise woman whose ticket to fame
was a marvellous creature
with one special feature:
from very old forebears it came.
"
"she examined the creature and blinked.
it seemed paleontology-linked?
a live coelacanth caught,
and a lesson it taught.
it was thought that the fish was extinct!
"
"if something's commatic, it's terse.
commatism's good for your verse.
if fame you would gain,
the best words are plain?
the polysyllabic are worse.
"
"a prostitute's income suffices,
if she works on her own.  my advice is:
with no pimp to extort
half her take, she'll support
herself well, at competitive prices.
"
"it's a chiru from out in tibet.
as a mascot, its fame will be set.
china's games in '08
will make antelopes rate
as olympics fans' favorite pet.
"
"sports are business today: teams are brimming
with profits the owners are skimming.
what next? i'd advise
that we corporatize
the pursuit we call synchronized swimming.
"
"it was hard to believe corey's story.
was he actually born in a lorry?
""stuck in traffic in perth,
in our truck, i gave birth,""
says his mom.  that's corroboratory.
"
"the corrugator, under the skin
of your forehead, is limp when you grin,
but just scowl and see how
it contracts neath your brow,
and this muscle makes wrinkles begin.
"
"what corpulency! patsy's so big,
she looks ponderous next to a pig.
still her fatness increases;
that gal so obese is,
to move her we'll soon need a rig.
"
"this dastard has called me conceited.
[the expletive here is deleted!]
impugn my humility?
he lacks credibility!
i'll pound him until he's defeated!
"
"another clean air act? i seethe,
and my poisonous pen i unsheathe
to defend all my clients?
industrial giants.
(who cares whether people can breathe?)
"
"our relationship's one of felicity,
enhanced by risqu? electricity.
we conspire all the time;
she's my complice in crime.
i'm reliant on lila's complicity.
"
"when he found the address, he felt dire
forebodings and flashes of ire.
by a fence he was stopped.
it was locked and was topped
with some sharp concertina barbed wire.
"
"did he lose an election? he did,
but he mounted another strong bid.
all his critics were musing
he'd surely be losing,
but now the man's called comeback kid!
"
"said the famous soprano, prunella,
to her organist, ""your claribella
sounds flat! better fix it;
if not, i will nix it
and plan to perform a capella.""
"
"i work in my garden and toil.
all my efforts are foiled, and i boil.
i just can't reach a goal
such as digging a hole,
as there's claypan right under my soil.
"
"her blouse, of a silk crepe de chine,
was the finest he ever had seen,
and its high fashion drape
was just right for her shape?
like two highlands with heaven between.
"
"the gentleman thief, as a heister,
stole a strad from the old concertmeister.
""i hope the guy's jailed!""
the first violin wailed,
but the thief made a deal through a shyster.
"
"in our art class, a model named meg
likes to pose with her weight on one leg.
""contrapposto!"" (she speaks
of the sculptures of greeks.)
want her changing her stance? you must beg.
"
"this painting, the dealers are sure,
is a genuine french clare-obscure.
since i've spent my last euro
on this chiaroscuro,
i pray my investment's secure!
"
"chiaroscuro's a great way to paint,
adding depth to each sinner and saint.
light and dark are emphatic?
their effect is dramatic.
so i tried; caravaggio i ain't!
"
"if ever i move to siberia,
i will certainly bring my collyria.
any cold (i surmise)
climate's bad for the eyes.
eyedrops soothe and can kill off bacteria.
"
"i looked up this word, and i found it.
since its meaning is clear, i'll expound it.
consider the girth
of some object on earth?
if it's compassable, you can get round it.
"
"if your soil's cinnabaric, it's got
some cinnabar?maybe a jot?
that's a mercury ore,
so it's valuable for
selling off?if your lot's got a lot.
"
"seems the da was faced with disbarment.
(he indicted a putative varmint
who was wrongly arrested.)
he'd with lies circumvested
his charge. (that's like ""clothed with a garment."")
"
"these oxfords i bought are still new,
but one hurts me. i'll take them to stu
on his cobblestone lane.
cobble stones? i'm in pain,
so i'd rather he cobble my shoe.
"
"though she's eighty, my dauntless great aunt
just last monday slipped out for a jaunt.
to remain au courant
she decided upon
taking lessons to dance the courant.
"
"tell me what in the world can compare
to this pear called comice. i declare
it enkindles romance
with a flair; it's from france,
where pierre judges fare with great care.
"
"condolatory notes we will send
to a family member or friend
who has lost someone close.
it imparts a small dose
of compassion to help the heart mend.
"
"next year edie will be a collegian,
and she's eager to leave her home region.
dad says, ""that's really great.
you can go out-of-state.""
(but the college she's picked is norwegian.)
"
"clarke-hadfield's, or cystic fibrosis,
a syndrome with dismal prognosis,
is an awful disease?
which occurs in degrees?
where the pancreas shows a sclerosis.
"
"raising teens, i believe in preventive
education.  i give this incentive:
though the road may be narrow,
i prize a straight arrow.
you can drive if you're not circumventive.
"
"was he robbing l.a., elephantially?
we probed his transactions, financially?
how  his bank account grew
with each check from the zoo?
and convicted the guy circumstantially.
"
"the alchemist's fine reputation
is based upon what? citrination.
this metal i hold
he will turn?gray to gold?
a miraculous manifestation.
"
"adambulacral means found
somewhere near ambulacra, around
a part of the starfish
(that rather bizarre fish) ?
the creases where tube feet abound.
"
"take a trip in a bus or a car,
and before you have gotten too far,
a comfort stop's what
you will not have forgot.
you will need one, whoever you are.
"
"connie knows her celestial geography,
draws well, and is good at lithography;
this talent, so neat, is
what we need for our treatise
on comets?our new cometography.
"
"my colonelcy, hank, to be frank,
i consider an undeserved rank.
my high army status
was a gift given gratis,
and the general (daddy) i thank.
"
"in the cycle 'twixt liver and muscle,
both lactate and glucose will hustle
like a convoy of lorries?
described by the coris?
an energy source when we bustle.
"
"fourteen females, our feminist troop,
met on fridays to pitch the straight poop
about sexism.  where?
in our lives.  we would share
in our consciousness raising-style group.
"
"though our party for tessie was festive,
she seemed breathless, unhappy, and restive.
""my lungs?they are drenched""?
she explained?""so i'm benched
by my heart failure, chronic, congestive.""
"
"yes, i got some things wrong and, confessedly,
i regret that i acted obsessedly.
though the art part, admittedly,
was written half-wittedly,
you needn't react so depressedly!
"
"i say ""yes!""?he says ""no!"" to my fiction;
it causes a great deal of friction.
this guy's contradictive;
his outlook? restrictive.
i avoid him to shun contradiction.
"
"when he wed, dana said, ""i'll need room
for my bride."" as a dutiful groom,
he then cleared his cave quick
with some straw on a stick?
that's how dana invented the broom.
"
"i live on long island?right here.
there's a town that's called commack quite near,
and my postal address
should be commack, i guess?
where's its commark (its ancient frontier)?
"
"my son's retina's swollen, inflamed;
neither toxin nor germ can be blamed.
as the fluid collects
there, his doctor suspects
a disease that for coats has been named.
"
"what is absinthol?  stuff in your drink
that can poison you, some people think,
with effects that may be
like the drug lsd?
between absinthe and madness, a link.
"
"my boyfriend's a colloquist. he
likes discussion when we disagree.
if i'm clammed up or silent,
the guy may get vi'lent.
he savors adroit repartee.
"
"the peasants rose up with a shout.
they were brave?resolution was stout.
""they attacked the king's fort,""
said reports to the court,
""but abortively, as it turned out.""
"
"are you asking about compound fractions?
those numbers with complex transactions?
set two fractions above
one another, my love;
you will find compound fractions' attractions.
"
"my fianc?e has always been prone
to like perfume instead of cologne,
so she really was thrown
(and emitted a groan)
when i gave her a chrysolite stone.
"
"the communally owned village square
is a nice piece of property, where
a developer, paul,
wants to build a new mall.
we refuse. it's a view we all share.
"
"use another man's slang? you may botch
both the word and its meaning. i'll watch
while you make like a fool
and attempt to say ""cool!""
with west indian slang, saying ""cotch!""
"
"it is true that i hadn't a clue
why mchugh was lethargic and blue.
he was feverish, too;
my anxiety grew
till i learned he'd come down with the flu.
"
"a commiserative pal's sympathetic
when, displaying your prowess athletic,
you fall flat on your face.
she'll attend you with grace
and prophetically call for a medic.
"
"""my vehicle suffered embargo.
it's commercial?my living!"" sobbed margo.
""i'll deliver my freight
in my olds 88?
that is, if i can make the old car go.""
"
"the mountain had rumbled each day. no
one knew when to leave.  some would stay. no
remainers came through
when it finally blew?
krakatoa, that famous volcano.
"
"i am hoping (in votes) i will dominate
the candidate katie will nominate,
as i find him a lout
who will curse people out.
when he's crossed, he is likely to comminate.
"
"we have bought out your firm and, transitionally,
we'll keep your employees conditionally:
if they don't make a fuss
and are loyal to us,
then our workforce will dwindle attritionally.
"
"in my beautiful garden of coleus,
i encountered papilio demoleus
(that's a butterfly). thither
came next, with a slither,
the snake called coluber obsoleus.
"
"pearl is lovely, my favorite girl,
but her mom? she will sneer, her lip curl,
so i hope it won't gall her?
i've started to call her
conchiolin (mother-of-pearl).
"
"the scientist spoke most emphatically
about chemical factors erratically
fouling water and air
and convinced us to care
that our planet is changing climatically.
"
"when my partner and i go on trips,
with our issues we can't come to grips,
so we quarrel, god knows.
we will soon come to blows?
two fat lips and a pair of bruised hips.
"
"""this rash, i suspect, is genetic,
and i don't want a salve that's synthetic,""
said the patient. ""be calm.
this is nature's own balm!""
i replied. ""my new cream's aloetic.""
"
"one example: the lady's profession
requires that she's paid by the session.
not a therapist, she,
nor a judge?no siree!
with her clients she forms a congression.
"
"a corrector is one who corrects,
when he finds something wrong. one suspects
that, at times, the corrected
feels wrongly rejected
and to the corrector objects.
"
"in el salvador, it would appear,
there's a town by this name lying near
two volcanoes, but gee,
it is also a tree:
conacaste, the elephant ear.
"
"that he spoke of a girl, i had bet a
few dollars. ""i'll never regret a
sweet lemon so tasty!""
he'd said. i was hasty.
he was speaking of citrus limetta.
"
"my phone contract? sid wants to bid.
he inquired: would i like to have clid?
and explained it to me?
it means ""caller id""?
so i smiled and replied that i did.
"
"my poor daughter's reduced to a shell.
her bulimia's worse, i can tell.
she's developed the urge
to lose weight, binge and purge.
can't she see this could be her farewell?
"
"you appear so impeccably dressed
that i'll have to admit i'm impressed;
handsome tie, stylish suit,
and i also salute
you for wearing a bulletproof vest.
"
"you have got to acknowledge the actual;
in show business, some things are factual.
though you don't want to play
at the concert today,
you will have to. the gig is contractual!
"
"the corroboree's starting at eight.
lock the doors to the store; lock the gate.
all the townsfolk, you know,
will be down at the show?
liquor robbery wouldn't be great!
"
"the marquis has concubinary ways.
all his mistresses' bills? the guy pays.
in a house near the gate
of his pater's estate,
they live gratefully, singing his praise.
"
"in the life of a judge, 'twould appear,
there'd be no need to budge one's large rear,
but the old circuit judge
was expected to trudge
while he drudged as the law's circuiteer.
"
"circuit judges in parts of u.k.,
i would guess, have a great deal of sway,
as in high courts they're found?
though they travel around.
beats a circuiter's job any day!
"
"you're the new college dean?  just combine
both dear abby and freud; you'll be fine,
and you'll find it's not prudent
to seem antistudent,
as you keep those *!#@!%!*#s in line.
"
"climatography: setting down climate,
recording the changes each time it
gets colder or warms,
or it generates storms?
and my job, in this verse, is to rhyme it.
"
"mount ararat?that's where young moses
was found in a basket of roses,
and where jonah was swallowed
when ahab he followed.
in the bible, it all, i suppose, is.
"
"like to study the earth and its strange
shifts in climate? i'm glad to arrange
a short course, pedagogical.
climatological
study explores climate change.
"
"there's a clock-watching guy in our shop.
what's his output of work? just a drop.
when i ask why he stares
at the clock, he declares,
""if i don't, i'm afraid it will stop.""
"
"the fall was concussive and made
my consciousness flicker?then fade.
when i woke with a start,
i said, ""here is my heart,
but my head is a mess, i'm afraid.""
"
"when compared to a statue of wood,
the new leading man's acting seems good;
and contrasted, he's faster
than a cast made of plaster.
get him out of the cast! understood?
"
"went to school with a nasty young lass
who was known for her rudeness and sass.
seems each time she would speak
she would curse a blue streak.
in our class we considered her crass.
"
"brooke was nearsighted; thus she mistook
a policeman and thought him a crook.
when he reached her, he smiled
and she panicked and dialed
911.  then she took a good look.
"
"crystal violet shows us acidity,
and it carries an added validity.
when a fungus or germ is
attacking the dermis,
this compound reduces morbidity.
"
"""i've gained weight and i look like a blimp,
but i doubt that my poundage will crimp
my success with the dames,
as my way is paid,"" james
now proclaims, ""through the neighborhood pimp.""
"
"tom the turkey would mumble and toss
in his sleep and awaken quite cross.
when his wife asked him why,
he replied with a sigh,
""a bad dream about cranberry sauce.""
"
"an albacore (fish, not a mammal)
has a name not derived from the tamil,
the bantu or norse;
its ostensible source
is the arabic meaning ""young camel.""
"
"my new neighbor, named gabe, likes to munch
on roast grasshoppers?eats them for lunch.
why on earth would he favor
a food with no flavor?
my hunch is he savors the crunch.
"
"my rice krispies, each morning, i tackle;
it's a food that i prize for its cackle.
i will not blow my top
if i don't hear a pop,
but i must have a snap and a crackle.
"
"if sex is your goal, tex, don't fumble.
don't be brash; i prefer my guys humble.
just be sweet and quit tryin'
to strike like a lion?
my iron defenses will crumble.
"
"i like bread, but i don't eat the crust.
that brown edge leaves me full of disgust.
so i don't end up grossed,
when you're making me toast,
you will trim off the margins, i trust.
"
"the conchfish is small, but he's shrewd.
in his mouth papa shelters his brood.
with a conch he will stay,
neath its mantle, by day;
when it's dark, he goes hunting for food.
"
"what on earth, you may ask, is a crampon?
something climbers are likely to clamp on?
or, for gals who complain
about menstrual pain,
a drug-laden medical tampon?
"
"i'm in business?a new concessioniare?
and my lunchroom i run with a flair,
but my son says, ""concessioner,
your ""aire"" needs a freshener.
boiled cabbage? a smell i can't bear!""
"
"i'd be likely to suffer and moan
if my neighbors all thought me a crone.
it's a nasty old name
for a mean ugly dame.
i would surely be left all alone.
"
"mental illness (disease of the brain)
can cause torment and terrible pain.
it is slothful and lazy
to use the word crazy,
displaying uncaring disdain.
"
"we're opponents of human malignity.
we're handling affairs with benignity.
we're helpful; just try us.
we're holy and pious.
we're models of humble condignity.
"
"the compound that billy has built
is a hodgepodge, a real crazy quilt.
all the houses are scattered,
but that never mattered;
its lack of design caused no guilt.
"
"for david, his home is a haven.
relaxing, alone and unshaven,
there he's cravin' romance,
but he hasn't a chance,
as he's fearful and cowardly?craven.
"
"my sagacious old grandmother said,
""you should never eat crackers in bed,
as the crumbs on the sheet
make you itch, head to feet.
eat them down in the kitchen, instead.""
"
"ben began his career a transgressor
with charisma, panache?a finesser;
but as soon as aggression
became his obsession,
he was nabbed and became a confesser.
"
"though the colors and patterns are loud,
all my clothes are in fashion. i'm proud
that i am, without doubt,
one who always stands out.
i am not just a face in the crowd.
"
"in my coffee, i like to put cream,
not that whitener they sell. it would seem
that the stuff is non-dairy?
a fact i find scary?
a food chemist's dream (or his scheme).
"
"is it just innuendo that powder
was dumped, by the chef, in the chowder,
so that patrons would pound
on the tables, and sound
would crescendo (grow louder and louder)?
"
"comma butterflies' mamas  and pops
are orange, with black on their tops.
underneath, pops and mommas
have little white commas.
their larvae eat nettles and hops.
"
"nate has got a new yacht, but the craft
is as yet not entirely staffed.
soon he'll slate waitress kate
to become second mate,
as he states she is great, fore and aft.
"
"every march, horticultural focus
is wont to descend on the crocus.
we wary consumers
prefer early bloomers,
as long as the salesmen don't soak us.
"
"she gazed at the clothes in her trousseau.
she would not get to wear them?she knew so.
was he dead? had he fled?
she was scheduled to wed
a young fellow named robinson crusoe.
"
"the exam that is called colorectal
is a happening one might expect'll
be somewhat intrusive,
or even abusive?
a bit like a navy projectile.
"
"invitation to sail?  please excuse
my refusal.  the sailors all booze.
they're so lusty, i must
say i just cannot trust
captain cruz and his crazy crew's cruise.
"
"our pastor says i've a subliminal
unconscious desire to be criminal,
so i pray night and day
to keep satan away
and i bray out the hymns from our hymn-i-nal.
"
"on the sabbath, he prays (dies domini);
on the road, he eats blintzes, and hominy
(when elections are near).
he's a populist, dear,
so to him this does not bring ignominy.
"
"you have fat in your urine?chyluria?
it also is known as lipuria.
though it brings no delight
when your pee's milky white,
it's okay if you claim albinuria.
"
"i'm not planning a dis or a slander,
but i'll tell you with maximum candor
that our navy went blank
when they raised him in rank
and made fainthearted frank a commander.
"
"the prince fell for dinah.  his druthers
were to wed. he accepted another's
(that is jacob's) provision?
a mass circumcision?
then his kinsmen were killed by her brothers.
"
"my cruiser is brand spanking new,
and i'm looking for sailors, it's true.
will my choices increase
if i try work-release
at the prison to help me concrew?
"
"commixing means ""bringing together,""
commingling, like birds of a feather,
or deadheads, or groupies
(like brad pitt's or whoopi's),
or geese that fly south with cold weather.
"
"a cloudlet's a little white puff
made of droplets?that fluffy white stuff.
view it quickly; i fear
it will soon disappear.
for a moment it's here?that's enough.
"
"many city-states made up old greece.
they would fight, making war without cease;
and only when persians
made hostile incursions,
they fought side-by-side seeking peace.
"
"prosecution attornies will paint
him as archfiend, but satan he ain't.
his crime was to take
a large angel food cake?
okay, so he isn't a saint.
"
"they are fleshy appendages (feet)
used by worms, and the front cirrhi greet
one another?all hail!?
or they're parts of a snail
hanging down from the mantle.  how sweet!
"
"said the surgeon of richard c. bendix:
""i'm utterly sure i can mend dick's
abdominal leak.
let me sneak a wee peek
at the cryptolith. where? dick's appendix!""
"
"said the judge, ""you will not be exempt
from the rules of this court. you're unkempt,
your behavior is rude,
and your language is crude.
i will hold you in criminal contempt.""
"
"my dad says we're having a crime wave?
that's a breaking-the-law-all-the-time wave.
a defense lawyer, he
greets this outbreak with glee;
it's for him and his staff a sublime wave.
"
"when i fractured my ankle, a pile
of misfortunes impeded my smile.
what girl ever clutches
a gimp who's on crutches?
that limp put a crimp in my style.
"
"when i'm out on a ship?then i crave
gazing out at the calm crestless wave.
its soft undulation?
a soothing sensation?
is swell, and it helps me behave.
"
"in his will, grandpa plans to anoint
both my sister and me?to appoint
us as equal coheiresses,
paired millionairesses,
sharing a fortune that's joint.
"
"for a bird, a formidable chore?
with a crowbar he jimmied the door.
the barkeep said, ""whoa!
in this bar there's a crow!
it's a first?never had one before.""
"
"""i recall stu mcgrue's prosecution
for a criminal act (prostitution).
he was guilty, but he,
thanks to me, copped a plea.
restitution?my brilliant solution.""
"
"though my urges to sin are subliminal,
when i enter a strip joint, the women'll
make my instincts go wrong.
should i follow along,
i'd end up with a record that's criminal.
"
"the town where he meets her is coastal.
""my boat is that big one."" (this boast'll,
he's hoping, imply
he's a sizable guy.)
when she finds it's a lie, she goes postal.
"
"said the loudmouth attorney, ""you'll sense
that i'm crude, but i make no pretense.
whether guilty or not,
all my clients have got
a hot criminal (trust me!) defense.""
"
"when you study the brain, do not spurn a
discussion on fluids, but learn a-
bout the cerebrospinal?
how yours and how mine'll
collect in the magna cisterna.
"
"if cats, overcome by elation,
linked up for a big celebration
at a major convention,
it would be my contention
that we'd call it a concatenation.
"
"in europe, in each major race
there were subtypes, each given a place.
those distinctions were phony;
armenoids? baloney!
(anthropometry's fallen from grace.)
"
"the sickly asthmatic named hal
has many a crepitant rale.
his internist tackles
his snaps and his crackles:
""we can beat this disease, and we shall!""
"
"said the bronchioles down in hal's lung,
""on this treatment our future is hung.
we must crepitate?long
as we're flooded. our song
would, without these odd sounds, be unsung!""
"
"at the top of this hill is its crest
with a view. it's the place i like best.
as the climb's very steep,
my enjoyment's not cheap.
first i scale it with zest, then i rest.
"
"king creon of thebes was killed via
his daughter's new robe, from medea.
he was roasted in spite
of his high-flying might;
kingly power is no panacea.
"
"creusa, the daughter of creon
(the princess of thebes, not a peon)
met an end that was tragic
through medea's black magic?
lit up like a sign made of neon.
"
"was he sick?  did he have diabetes?
was he weak from not eating his wheaties?
she'd loved troilus; how strange!
why did cressida change
and just dump him for greek diomedes?
"
"i remember the day that she left.
there were tears streaming down to the cleft
in my trembling chin,
as i never had been
so discouraged, disheartened, bereft.
"
"""cryptological work may be fun;
cracking codes is a gas!"" says my son.
cvu  ju  tusbjot  nz  qpps  csbjo;
j  dpnqmbjo  pg  uif  qbjo.
just decode the above, and you're done.
"
"the boy is born blind, and he cries.
mama looks, but can't see any eyes.
cryptophthalmia leaves
her distressed, and she grieves,
but she'll help him succeed if she tries.
"
"cryptopodia's taking its toll.
my leg's swelling seems out of control.
the edema? it goes
from the knee to the toes?
but i'm hoping i'll still save my sole.
"
"creature comforts? pray tell, what are these?
they're whatever in life brings us ease?
to relax neath the trees
or in saunas may please.
to our health and wellbeing they're keys.
"
"your cheek's wet, betty?why do you fret? it
is true that you've sunk, through your credit
cards, deeply in debt.
you're upset at the threat
of a bankruptcy? pet, just forget it!
"
"many cities and towns seem to take
this often-used name: crystal lake,
as do many a basin.
just one gave us jason,
and that one's in fiction?a fake.
"
"said the heiress from texas, miss alice,
as she toured london's great crystal palace,
""though it's ample in size,
it will be no surprise
that we build them much bigger in dallas.""
"
"so i now understand the foundation
of crystals' precise formulation.
i thanked 'im and kissed 'im;
the whole crystal system
is key to their classification.
"
"in my youth, i will never forget,
grandpa showed me his old crystal set.
we heard songs that were quaint,
although scratchy and faint?
that was 1910 music, i'd bet.
"
"no matter how hard i would try,
i'd be frightened and ready to cry,
while to him it was tedium?
to inject contrast medium?
when i'd go for my brain mri.
"
"to awaken her guy, lila tries
by shining a light in his eyes.
while it wakes him, he'll keep
falling right back to sleep?
though massaging his thighs makes him rise.
"
"here's the skull of a man. i feel awed.
it's not dull. see? the cranium's broad,
while the face is so narrow
it looks like a sparrow.
cryptozygous, it's normal, not flawed.
"
"in september (not august or may)
kids celebrate citizenship day.
with great resolution
our famed constitution
they study. the law they obey.
"
"cryptitis, acute, tends to strain us,
and fees for its treatment may drain us.
we feel ripped off and gypped
by the germs in that crypt,
and complain of a pain in the anus.
"
"layne is pale; she grows feeble, asthenic.
she's deficient in hormones (adrenic),
weak in muscle and bone,
and the cause isn't known.
doctors call her disease cryptogenic.
"
"our prof wasn't being sarcastic:
""neath this microscope?look?it's fantastic!
this rock's structure? why it's
made of millions of bits
stuck together. this rock's cryptoclastic!""
"
"i knitted a red crew neck sweater
for my pet?she's a young irish setter.
just one look at those threads
and she tore them to shreds?
now she goes around nude, and i let 'er.
"
"the voyeur in our town, people say,
is most active at twilight each day.
comes the dusk, in the gloom,
he'll peer into your room,
so they call him ""crepuscular ray.""
"
"your book is confusedly written.
it mixes up france with great britain,
and salvador dali
with rembrandt, by golly.
i'm miffed! as your agent i'm quittin'!
"
"when i see mary's name, i cry, ""bully!
hooray! i'll be edited fully.""
need clarification?
or repunctuation?
each comment's succinct?never woolly.
"
"coelophysis (heaven deliver us!)
was a dinosaur, highly carnivorous,
back in nature's triassic.
a gem, and a classic,
its dentures alone make us quiverous!
"
"i implore you, dear teacher, don't block us
from pronouncing the plural for coccus.
say it ""kok-sahy"" or ""kok-see,""
each word is a proxy
for microbes that really can rock us.
"
"in horror films, note the attack saw.
it's a chainsaw, and never a hacksaw,
but to shorten the dowel
in the rod for my towel,
i'm happier using a backsaw.
"
"you're a crackbrain, a crackpot, a fool,
as erratic and dumb as a mule.
your ideas? i'm defenseless?
they're crackbrained (that's senseless)?
they're not worth two cents, as a rule.
"
"just as tim skimmed the cream from the top
of our milk, till we got him to stop,
when they picked kids for teams
to play baseball, it seems
jimmy creamed off the cream of the crop.
"
"the fire marshal's spokesman explained
in a manner both cool and restrained?
first his poise he regained,
then contained he remained
as he told us the blaze was contained.
"
"a new teller has come to our bank.
is he izzie?...or harry?...or hank?
he's the guy i will trust
with my money; he must
be aboveboard. (guess that means he's frank.)
"
"nate to kate: don't be late for our date;
as mates, we've been chosen by fate!
kate to nate: how you prate!
what has made you create
this great fable you often relate?
"
"a man falls in love with a crab.
""you're so fabulous, abby!"" he'll blab,
but his gab can't convince 'er;
he'll grab for her pincer.
she'll wince and cry, ""call me a cab!""
"
"it was conium socrates swallowed,
and his organs in coniine wallowed;
so it's not cicutoxin
that knocked off his socks in
the death of this grecian that followed.
"
"once a month, my pain crosses a limen,
but i never see blood. doctor simon
says it's cryptomenorrhea.
he simply can't see a
way out. there's no hole in my hymen.
"
"a suicide pact by two lovers?
the aroma of obloquy hovers
over tales grim and gory?
the kind of a story
the city room staff often covers.
"
"he's my nephew by marriage, i hear.
when we walk side by side we appear
(as he's older) like siblings,
which spurs endless quibblings?
our cousinage isn't quite clear.
"
"you won't see this brooch every day.
it is made of a fine cloisonn??
colors bound to the metal,
as bright as a petal?
my lover just threw it away.
"
"crying uncle? it means you surrender?
give in to a stronger contender,
but the term's also found
when we're kidding around
with a friend of the opposite gender.
"
"whenever it snows in tunisia,
my fingers get cryoanaesthesia,
growing numb in the cold?
worse with age, now i'm old,
so i'm moving, this week, to rhodesia.
"
"every day since the crash, i endure a
great pain, so i ask you to cure a
distress in the half
of my legs called the calf,
or in medical terms: both my crura.
"
"let's consider the term crustal plate.
no, it's not about toast that you ate?
where you left crust behind?
get that out of your mind.
it's the lithosphere's plate, and it's great.
"
"say ""my bag has a bomb!"" at the hyatt?
shout ""fire!"" in a theater? don't try it.
you may think it a joke,
but you'll panic the folk.
crying havoc can trigger a riot.
"
"my favorite deodorant's ban,
and i use it whenever i can.
through its chemical power
i smell like a flower,
offend neither woman nor man.
"
"a cryptogram's written in code.
which, of course, is a difficult mode
to decipher. i try
as the hours fly by,
and by midnight, i'm fit to explode.
"
"cross the senate? okay, if you've reason.
the triumvirate did, in its season.
but the senate's still boss,
and what makes it most cross?
cross the rubicon river?that's treason.
"
"the guy was obnoxious, so creepy!
his mouth wore a frown; eyes were sleepy,
and while hiding his vice,
he'd pretend to be nice,
like a wolf wearing clothes that were sheepy.
"
"if you're young and you're itching to flirt,
here's a tip that may help?couldn't hurt!?
to your step there's a bounce
you can get with a flounce;
wear a crinoline under your skirt!
"
"his sister ruled thebes?queen jocasta,
but creon was also a master.
when his sister had sex
with her son, eddie rex,
creon soon made the best of disaster.
"
"in the spring, a young gentleman's focus
may alight on the flower called crocus.
though he may be desirous
of picking this iris
for courting, it's sheer hocus-pocus.
"
"craniotomy opens the head.
it's a surgery most people dread.
though they tell us the brain
doesn't feel any pain,
i don't care?i fear waking up dead.
"
"each man should be sure he preserves
every one of his cranial nerves.
it's important he cares
that they come in twelve pairs.
he should learn of the purpose each serves.
"
"""three meanings, i claim, are a feature
of this word!"" (petey sounds like a preacher.)
""for exams, when i cram,
then a crammer i am,
but it also means 'textbook' or 'teacher'!""
"
"when vinny goes out on a binge,
both his wife and his children will cringe.
when at night he is tight,
they will cower in fright,
as his mind is inclined to unhinge.
"
"kids love cracker jack, cheer like a claque
for that popcorny caramel snack,
but each girl and each boy
first will look for the toy
that is hidden inside of each pack.
"
"said my grandpa, ""your gift is a ticket
to a game?don't care which. you can pick it.""
since i love entomology,
my answer was, ""golly gee,
let's go down to the pitch and see cricket.""
"
"her work was inspired by dante
and the words of lorenzo da ponte.
she wordlessly found
an equivalent sound
in her new and profound concertante.
"
"those who visit our town say it's grimeless,
and its many quaint houses are timeless.
they're half-timbered and thatched,
and they cannot be matched,
but what's best? that our hamlet is crimeless.
"
"though a coconut grows on a tree
that's curvaceous and graceful to see,
when it's ripe it will fall
with no warning at all,
so there's no time to flee; you just screeee...
"
"in a bar, a bear comes through the door,
orders gin, is charged $12.94.
the barkeeper stares,
says, ""we seldom see bears.""
""at this price, you won't see many more!""
"
"in each ear, you've an organ of corti?
that's whether you're four or you're forty.
corti's pillars and cells
help you hear bells, or yells,
or the roar of your porsche engine, sporty!
"
"will his verses acquire acceptability?
with facility, pep, and agility,
he writes poems on worms
and disease-causing germs.
writing thus seems an act of futility.
"
"a field mouse is merely  hors d'oeuvral
to a fast-running cat like the serval.
see her muscles contract
as the motor nerves act,
causing numerous currents?abnerval.
"
"in pr lots of money you earn,
but dame fortune, at times, makes a turn.
if those clients who race
speeding cars you embrace,
then your business may well crash and burn.
"
"there's a fete at the frat house and, mate,
all the bus lines have stopped?it's so late.
ask around; there behind
the front room you may find
there's a crash pad to bunk with your date.
"
"""there's a fly in my soup!"" cried the diner.
the waiter replied, ""you're a whiner!
dry the tears from your eyes.
just consider its size.
the amount it consumes will be minor.""
"
"read your gide and think deeply on life,
seek the meanings of peace and of strife;
you'll discophora way
to make acalephs pay,
and ms. frieda will soon be your wife.
"
"i was conked in a sudden attack,
knocked out cold with the force of the smack.
but i wasn't quite dead;
in a hospital bed?
there my conscious awareness came back.
"
"my dad was a toper, a rummy.
he ran off with a bimbo?a dummy.
my mum was found dead
with a gangster, in bed.
yes, i said that my childhood was crummy!
"
"although nobody gave me a push,
still i stumbled and fell on my tush,
and my dress of white gauze
became spotted, because
i hit land on a cranberry bush.
"
"christ was crucified?that much is history.
did he rise to the skies? that's a mystery.
i won't argue the point
in this gin mill, a joint
where disputes have been known to turn blistery.
"
"""i tried all the above, but no dice;
not a one of them seemed to suffice.
use a catheter, nurse,
though i'll feel even worse
when you use that long, draining device.""
"
"""run the water real fast in the sink?
the cascade helps you pee, people think,
or imagine a pool
that is limpid and cool,
or a glass of iced tea, quickly drink.""
"
"he looked at her face?lovely dacia?
and sighed, ""how i long to embrace ya!""
she refused him, disdainful,
""your embrace would be painful;
your hands are like claws of crustacea!""
"
"in english some words are pathetic,
while others are strong, energetic.
in sanskrit we seek,
or in latin, or greek,
for their roots?but whence comes copasetic?
"
"bill the millionaire, up on nob hill,
said, ""my life is too run-of-the-mill.
i desire what's exciting!""
""try limerick writing,""
said his wife, ""if you're craving a thrill.""
"
"i adored grandpa dan's one-man band:
harp and zither, one plucked with each hand,
drums and bells played by toes,
a kazoo with his nose?
he did mozart and bach on command.
"
"if i keep up the hunt for this game bird
(in the wild?the crypturi's no tame bird),
and i aim with my rifle,
but jerk it a trifle,
i'll catch me a living-but-lame bird.
"
"in the theater, her seat she had spied,
but the space between rows wasn't wide,
and unable to stride
from the aisle, heidi tried
to go crabwise, and slide to the side.
"
"for dessert, i will always embrace
something sweet with a crust for its base,
so i'm willing to try
your suggested cream pie?
just so long as it's not in my face.
"
"hear a signal of doomsday? a boom?
see dead souls as they rise from the tomb?
seems the world, my dear friend,
has arrived at its end.
just assume it's the lord's crack of doom.
"
"grandma figured that grandpa was daft; he
would sit on the porch where it's drafty
every night, looking west.
he was watching miss guest
get undressed?guess the geezer was crafty.
"
"""don't hunt in a river that's stygian
for the fish we call crossopterygian,""
said the captain, succinct.
""they are almost extinct;
and they're holy?to me a re-lig-i-on.""
"
"we define it in terms that are broad.
it's a policy all will applaud.
so don't cower in terror;
an accounting (oops!) error
is a slip-up that isn't a fraud.
"
"my bank says this loan is renewable.
can i lower the payments? it's doable,
but i'll pay a lot more
than i would have before,
as it seems that the interest's accruable.
"
"what is absolute music? not backed
by a story or script (that's a fact),
it is not allegorical,
or even historical;
it's music?just music?abstract.
"
"there is nothing religious or mystic
in this concept: abdominocystic.
of the bladder it speaks,
and of guts the word reeks?
not much poetry; hardly artistic.
"
"if you've lost lots of blood, as a rule
(so they taught me in medical school),
for immediate gain,
to send blood to your brain,
you'll reduce your abdominal pool.
"
"an abdominal abscess: infection
of a part of the belly, a section
that's invaded by germs,
or amoebas, or worms,
and walled off for your body's protection.
"
"as we hiked up and down the successive
rows of hills, all my pain was progressive,
as the backpack i wore
weighed me down more and more,
and the stress on my spine was compressive.
"
"she was slim, and her figure was boyish,
but her eyes had a look that was coyish
with a message, complex?
was she eager for sex?
was she toy-ish? enjoy-ish? destroy-ish?
"
"there's a fellow i see every day,
as he sits in his window (a bay),
and he stares at the sky.
i at times wonder why?
i assume he has nothing to say.
"
"in the olden days many a knight
needed help to prepare for a fight;
and a groom for his horse
would be wanted, of course,
as his coystrel could not get things right.
"
"when the kidneys are failing, we try
to implant an intact one. that's why
a twin sister?well, natch!?
would provide a fine match,
if she deigns to accede?to comply.
"
"like they do in the movies, police
cordoned off, near the theater, a piece
of the entrance, so stars,
and the moguls, and czars
could be cheered by their public: the geese.
"
"in the fall, when you visit the fair,
try a corn dog for fare that has flair.
this fine frankfurter's noted?
with corn bread it's coated,
then fried in deep fat with great care.
"
"just to find tasty crab cakes? exhausting!
and expensive? a fortune they're costing.
now her baker?he sells 'em
real cheap, but she tells 'im,
""on crab cakes, you dope, don't put frosting!""
"
"craniology measures the skull.
craniologists, afterward, mull
about head-size and genes?
what each measurement means?
but for me, it's exceedingly dull.
"
"in his yacht or his speedboat, young john
was most happy when shouting, ""crack on
through the storm at full sail!""
or ""speed fast through the gale!""
see the mail? well, it seems john's now gone.
"
"it's called crab grass, and quickly it breeds;
all across our fine lawns it proceeds.
though it's grassy and green,
we do not want it seen,
so we fight it the way we fight weeds.
"
"i study the bigfoot, and yes,
search for yetis, i'll have to confess;
yet i make no apology
for cryptozoology
as i search for the beast in loch ness.
"
"seems the crab's eye, or rosary pea,
although popular, turns out to be
the proud bearer of seeds
used for rosary beads,
that have poisonous centers.   dear me!
"
"honora adored mort o'connor.
she thought him a man of great honor,
great promise, a comer.
he raped her?a bummer?
she shot him and now mort's a goner.
"
"any surgeon will often be needing
a tool that can help stop the bleeding.
cryocautery will
many times fill the bill,
and ensure that the surgeon's succeeding.
"
"nate accused me of cornification
in my end-of-semester oration,
but he used the wrong word.
turn to horn? that's absurd!
(he referred to my trite presentation.)
"
"on safari, our leader was steering
to a break in the forest?a clearing.
when i asked, ""why stop here?
she replied, ""'cause i fear,
i, last year, dear?near here?lost my earring.""
"
"your complaints are too hopeless and soapy; yuh
will miss a great feast. don't be mopey; yuh
can go off on a spree;
this buffet table's free.
of great food it's a true cornucopia.
"
"it is visible only at night,
and its stars? well, they're not very bright.
but corona australis?
it never would fail us;
exciting delightingly?quite!
"
"where we once used two letters: bc
we are now using three: bce,
for ""before common era.""
can i make it much clearer?
""before the year zero.""  compris?
"
"several crab sticks remained on his plate.
""eat your crab sticks; it's late!,"" grumbled kate;
but it just made him laugh,
as his crabstick (his staff),
made of wood, wasn't something one ate.
"
"she hails from across the pacific,
and her methods are quite scientific.
as a baker? terrific!
her output's prolific;
her breads are all crisp and crustific.
"
"a byproduct, strangely, of wine,
cream of tartar, you'll find, will combine
in the dough that you make
when you're baking a cake
that will rise and taste fine when you dine.
"
"the butcher at poppa's new shop
is coxcombic?a dandy, a fop.
now the folks see him cap'rin'
in his high-fashion apron
while they're buying a steak or a chop.
"
"a crucifer carries a cross
in processions, and gathers no moss,
but the poor guy gets flustered
when told he's a mustard
or cabbage?he's then at a loss.
"
"here's a book dr. childs has compiled
on this goldfish that lives in the wild.
it's that sharp crucian carp,
with a tail like a harp.
i observed one?i swear that it smiled.
"
"at his lecture, i felt a voyeur,
as he taught the reverse of pasteur.
it's the crabtree effect,
and it will, i suspect,
earn a lesser degree of grandeur.
"
"cryptectomy? ouch, that would pain us,
compared to some work on the manus
to repair a hurt hand.
it's removing a gland
from that place that is heinous?the anus.
"
"the pastor intoned apocalyptically
that the world will go under ecliptically.
""god will block out the sun;
there'll be no place to run?
but his son will have fun,"" he said cryptically.
"
"he's a fellow without much vitality.
i'm surprised by his warmth?his cordiality,
till i find he is drinking
a cordial. i'm thinking:
will drink also build sexuality?
"
"handsome dan?what a man?lean and lanky,
made sandy, his wife, awfully cranky.
she couldn't restrain
him; she'd whine and complain
when she caught him in frank hanky-panky.
"
"here's a bat that is made out of ash.
a baseball it's eager to bash.
if a muscular whack
results in a crack,
will the bat then end up in the trash?
"
"in london, the man from siam
now prepared for his english exam.
""just to pass it, i might
have to study all night.
what's the word for that? damn! i must cram!""
"
"now you're fifty years old and i wish you
disease-free collagenous tissue.
as you age, your perspective
on tissue, connective,
will change?it becomes a big issue.
"
"the crocodile lives in the river,
and his jaws can deliver a shiver.
as he's smirking beneath
that great mouth full of teeth,
he's contriving to dine on my liver.
"
"to do craftwork, you'd best understand
you must make every item by hand,
but the craftwork produced
gives your ego a boost
as your fame and your fortune expand.
"
"pam's handwriting's crabbed, she'll concede,
and her manner is crabbish. wish she'd
drop her crabfaced demeanor
'twould make her life keener?
but her script would remain hard to read.
"
"of this tree i'm a very great fan;
it is tall, with a wide, leafy span.
cryptomeria, cedar,
considered a leader,
is national tree of japan.
"
"the guy's craftless? that means you believe
that he can't build a birdhouse, or weave?
no, it means that his style,
without cunning or guile,
is...well...childlike, and rather naive.
"
"""it looks like a mushroom,"" the crowd
of researchers observed, feeling proud.
but the a-test arrangers,
aware of its dangers,
all knew they were under a cloud.
"
"we are crocodiles. each of us tries
to eat all that mom nature supplies,
but whenever we dine,
our demeanor's just fine.
we stay dry, with no tears in our eyes.
"
"there are three definitions for crepe,
and the first's ""a light fabric.""  you'll gape
as its ridges and crinkles
play down all your wrinkles
and drape in a most graceful shape.
"
"two native american leaders
are familiar to history readers:
one a blackfoot chief who
preferred peace; one a sioux,
both the crowfoots would not be succeeders.
"
"jackie peck from quebec was a hacker.
he was active and never a slacker?
neither drippy nor dippy,
a rippin' hip cryppie
(cryptology system attacker).
"
"the creamcups, with flowers like cream,
has a singular name, it would seem,
though it sounds like a plural.
they're found where it's rural?
they're part of mom nature's grand scheme.
"
"now i'm old. i've developed a paunch.
there's a pain in my haunch when i launch
from my chair, and my knees
(once quite staunch, if you please)
now resound with a crunch as they craunch.
"
"you are planning to grind some tin ore?
it's a chore you abhor? it's a bore?
i will lend you my crazing-mill;
just try this amazing mill.
""it's great! i adore it,"" you'll roar.
"
"his report was unclear, and its haziness
was so bad that it bordered on craziness.
how could slade, who was paid,
write this pale masquerade?
i'm afraid that his failure was laziness.
"
"at a picnic, you'll chew on a spud,
or you may chew the fat with your bud,
but don't chew like a cow.
folks will snicker, and how,
if you?proud and out loud?chew the cud.
"
"he's a comic who purposely bugs
the establishment, jokes about drugs;
and george carlin's good name
also means an old dame,
and those cute little canines, the pugs.
"
"he was hit on his head, on the right,
yet the left is the side of his blight.
contralaterally weak,
he can't walk and can't speak,
though he tries with the whole of his might.
"
"cryptologists take diverse roads
of approach?mathematical modes?
to solve many a mystery.
they even make history
by cracking the world's toughest codes.
"
"dan (our first volunteer) had come forward.
he offered to ferry us shoreward,
and do it for free.
then he charged us a fee.
we proceeded to usher dan doorward.
"
"""here, i'll flatten that box!"" rush was flushed.
when he didn't succeed?then he blushed.
he went red to his socks
'cause the cigarette box
turned out crushproof. it couldn't be crushed.
"
"our thoughts seem to clash. i predict
our opinions will often conflict.
in this conflict, or fight,
we will scratch, hit, and bite.
for convictions, we'll both end up kicked.
"
"the commedia dell'arte, we know,
born in italy long, long ago,
told of cheating and strife
(keep your hands off my wife!)
in an improvised comedy show.
"
"we might say, if her joy's unconcealed,
that she's walking on air cross the field.
if she actually were,
we would have to infer
that the gravity law's been repealed.
"
"crick and watson made every base pair
of these molecules seem debonair.
they'd have egg on their face;
it would be a disgrace
if their pairs turned out base. then beware!
"
"i scolded my son-in-law, victor,
since i don't think a boa constrictor
is the right gift for kate
as she turns eighty-eight,
but i hate being sole contradictor!
"
"labor's hard when you work as a clammer;
there's back-breaking work and no glamour,
but to gather up clams
you need not take exams
in geometry, physics, or grammar.
"
"i was worried that pat would attack
as i cringed and prepared for a whack.
but pat's a good friend,
and it was, in the end,
just a comradely pat on the back.
"
"in the little boutique by the station
there's a closeout (a grand liquidation).
i have bought all their hose out;
should i buy all their clothes out?
in closing, it's posing temptation.
"
"with his god-awful smelly cheroot,
ruben smoot burned a hole in my lute.
when i took him to court
as a final resort,
a consent decree settled my suit.
"
"i offer sincere consolation.
your marriage had no consummation.
in a chat room you met,
said your vows on the net;
but they didn't survive colocation.
"
"your coin must be real?yessiree?
nero ruled back in 60 ad.
but mine's a disgrace,
with augustus's face
and a date that says 20 bc!
"
"each morning she faces a hurdle
as gertie squirms into her girdle,
yet it isn't her shape
but her face (like an ape)
that will scare you and make your blood curdle.
"
"while performing my first curettage,
i unleashed an unfunny barrage.
as i scraped out the womb
in that white, sterile room,
i unnerved the o.r. entourage.
"
"i am trying to read these inscriptions
that were written by ancient egyptians,
but the symbols, prolific,
are pre-hieroglyphic.
curiology gives me conniptions.
"
"said the king, ""no, our swans don't have rabies;
they've hatched out a batch of new babies.
so quick! get your big net
and catch me a cygnet.
no 'buts,' no 'what ifs,' and no 'maybes.'""
"
"your new girlfriend is acting quite snooty;
though she's not what i'm calling a beauty,
with her head-lice, your love
is reminding me of
less a cutie, good bud, than a cootie.
"
"well, the mixer's front axle was bent,
and the chassis had many a dent,
though we guessed in its prime
it had spent lots of time
as a mixer of first class cement.
"
"his vacation won't really perturb les.
in the country, distractions disturb less;
but he parks on the lawn
of his cottage each dawn,
as the road that he lives on is curbless.
"
"i'm in awe; that new chef leaves me wordless!
her divine milk-based sauces are curdless.
but with guys she's not hip,
and she's dating a drip,
man, i'm hoping she soon will be nerdless.
"
"an entrepreneur named herb jervis
runs a drive-in that features curb service.
though folks eat in their car,
his cuisine is four-star.
now the price-rise in fuel makes herb nervous. 	
"
"my date calls me cupcake, and i
feel insulted?the nerve of that guy!
i'm a small baked dessert?
one whose calories hurt?
made for chubbies and children to buy?
"
"the cuckoos residing in clocks
will spend most of their time in a box,
but if something goes wrong,
their perpetual song
really shocks us?tick-tocking it mocks.
"
"my grandmother's house out in hollis is
let to a couple (the wallaces).
he works in psychology,
and she, cell pathology?
how cells die and dissolve. that's cytolysis.
"
"the native american corn dance
is an ancient, but not an outworn dance.
its intent? to bring rain
on the forest and plain.
(no, virginia, it isn't a porn dance.)
"
"said the aging ms. firefly, ""the essence
of love won't allow obsolescence.
as i scan the night sky,
when a male flashes by
i'm beguiled by his chemoluminescence.""
"
"some behaviors (like touching the thigh, on
occasions) a fellow might try on
his gal, when he courts,
are exactly the sorts
that a chaperone must keep an eye on.
"
"our percussionist, ginnie, was nimble.
she fell for a brass player, kimball.
he at last made a pass
at her ass, but alas ?
to him she was only a cymbal.
"
"these creatures are not raised on farms;
they live free, and that's one of their charms,
but i've no wish to cuddle
or, with cuttlefish, huddle.
that animal's bearing eight arms!
"
"his opinions don't change?never budgin',
opposition he greets with a bludgeon.
yes, he's set in his ways.
try to praise? nothing pays
when you're aiming to sway a curmudgeon.
"
"i was dating a knockout, a dream.
gertie pitched for a girls' softball team;
but she threw me a curve ball,
a corkscrew, a swerve-ball?
no-hitter with me, it would seem!
"
"a pilot who's flying a harrier
may pursue higher rank on his carrier,
but a color line may
cause delay, bar the way?
though the navy denies such a barrier.
"
"a bill to assist our fair city
passed each house, but it's now a great pity:
the senate won't budge,
and the house bears a grudge.
they have deadlocked the conference committee!
"
"though a spic-and-span house is attainable,
this proposal for cleanup's complainable?
as the price is too high.
it's from sy, who says, ""my
reputation for cleaning's unstainable.""
"
"she blushed and she smiled at me sweetly,
and i fell for her charms so completely
that my head hit the pavement.
i claimed, ""it's enslavement?
i'm yours, and i've shown it concretely.""
"
"consider the tall compass plant;
its intense sunny flowers enchant.
when you're lost and distressed,
it will tell east and west
in a way that most other plants can't.
"
"he has smoked both too long and too often.
his lungs have been poisoned; they soften.
will just one more smoke
bring the end of this bloke?
be the ultimate nail in his coffin?
"
"with container ships, chuck has been struck,
as their cargo stays dry, free of muck.
they are bulky and large,
like an oversized barge,
with containers the size of a truck.
"
"it is one of my senior curricula,
and it's taught in twelve basement cubicula.
there we practice dissection.
among bones, my selection?
the clavicle (also clavicula).
"
"this limerick shall be the recorder
of our province's new civil order.
we're especially proud:
prostitution's allowed?
but we'll charge you for crossing the border.
"
"common ancestors make us a clan.
we're related, each woman and man,
and such clanship appears
to last hundreds of years.
generations we'll span; that's our plan.
"
"if you're making a suit for your boy,
choose a fabric he'll really enjoy
that's costellate or costate?
not odd or apostate.
you ought to employ corduroy.
"
"a pirate who's skillful can drub,
with his club, any guy in the pub,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to welcome him into their club.
"
"what is compazine? it's a synthetic
medication that seems energetic,
and a wee bit exotic?
it's an anti-psychotic
and also an anti-emetic.
"
"when your symptoms (psychotic) abound,
medication can bring you around.
if no other drug works,
then (in spite of its quirks)
try some clozapine?best drug that's found.
"
"the section of brooklyn, crown heights,
was a hill where the kids flew their kites.
now a change it has shown,
and it's much better known
for religious observance and rites.
"
"the theater's surrounded by banners
promoting a comedy of manners.
i believe it's a spoof
of society?proof
of our cultured theatrical planners.
"
"the word cowpuncher?  seems to me that'll
sound like someone's been manhandling cattle;
but all cowpokes are kind
to the herds that they mind,
so there's no aspca battle.
"
"a computer mouse? don't need to feed him;
needn't lead him to females to breed him.
he does not run in herds,
or leave little brown turds?
for my limerick writing, i need him!
"
"morty managed to mask his rascality
neath the warmth of his false cordiality.
i was charmed and off guard,
and i ended up scarred
by his deftly disguised immorality.
"
"though for years it was called the zaire,
and the second in length, 'twould appear,
to the nile, this great river
that gives us a shiver
is the congo again.  let us cheer!
"
"both landscapes and seascapes i paint.
though i'm good, winslow homer i ain't.
i am best painting clouds;
all my cloudscapes draw crowds,
and they sell, so i make no complaint.
"
"""cytopenia,"" said the report.
she is pregnant and fears she'll abort.
seems the cell count is low
in her blood. we don't know
whether red cells or white cells are short.
"
"here's a rare roman coin; come and see.
it's worth millions, i'm sure you'll agree.
there's a likeness of nero
(my personal hero),
and a date?it says 60 ad!
"
"with torn ears and her dark matted fur,
they all said, ""who would want to take her?""
but a family opted
and the dog was adopted.
thus a miracle came to a cur.
"
"it is hot and it's still, so beware.
we'll get heat stroke?or worse?i declare!
we need wind that will blow
from high pressure to low.
what we want is a current of air.
"
"cytologists study the cell.
it's a subject they know very well,
but a lot more's unknown?
how cells grow, how cells clone?
guess their work will proceed for a spell.
"
"who's culpable? that must be walt.
his nefarious actions must halt.
once he's shouldered the blame
and accepted his shame,
we'll forgive the old fool for his fault.
"
"the president, harry s. truman,
was fond of a spice that's called cumin;
but it was, by no means,
found in white house cuisines.
he cried, ""bess, that is bloomin' inhuman!""
"
"chief crazy horse, one of the sioux,
fought most bravely, his people all knew,
and he led the lakota,
won battles?a quota,
impressive?that custer would rue.
"
"at his school, sy was greatly admired
for his classwork. it made him so tired
he performed like a slob
at his afterschool job.
now sy's fired and won't be rehired.
"
"her talent seemed sure to advance 'er
in the corps de ballet as a dancer,
but the scan of her thigh
shows a tumor?that's why
""is it cancer?"" cries out for an answer.
"
"cruveilhier's disease? really bad news;
it's not a disease i would choose.
pma is expressive
through weakness, progressive,
as muscular function you lose.
"
"a benchmark, i'd say with due deference,
is a point that we use for our reference,
to decide how we're doing
(are we smiling or ruing?),
while surpassing it would be our preference.
"
"is pam damaged by cold? that's cryopathy.
in the hand that i hold? that's acropathy.
those frostbitten fingers?
the memory lingers.
pam's knuckles? a painful arthropathy!
"
"from good humor, chuck custer gets canned,
so he vows he will make his own brand,
but he can't cut the mustard
with chuck's frozen custard;
to foreclosure goes custer's last stand!
"
"a pirate who's good with his cutlass
can carve up a man till he's gutless,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to lay down their swords or be butt-less.
"
"the blind date you arranged?  what a guy!
he was skinny and acned and shy,
and his clothes were a hoot?
purple shirt, orange suit,
and a shocking pink clip-on bow tie.
"
"the beggar came up to my door.
i had fed him a meal once before.
now he tells me, this clochard,
he wants his beef koshered.
he doesn't eat tref any more.
"
"to change laws that are causing chagrin,
trust our union: they'll help us to win.
we'll have clout, there's no doubt,
if you don't contract out.
(in some unions one must contract in.)
"
"a pirate, with sharp snickersnee,
can cut a man off at the knee,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to cast off their weapons and flee.
"
"some died out, while the others, tenacious,
survived through that era (cretaceous?
the last mesozoic);
perhaps diapnoic,
and anxious, but living, vivacious.
"
"in sealing this package, so boxy,
cyanoacrylate bettered epoxy.
""my glue may be crazy,""
i said,""?but not lazy.
i use the name brand, not a proxy.""
"
"""church properties held in commendam
pay my salary; thus i defend 'em,""
said the bishop, in terror.
a clerical error
unintendedly threatened to end 'em.
"
"a crack pipe was found in her room.
she'd been smoking the drug, i presume.
there's no pulse and no breath;
at sixteen, she met death.
crack cocaine was, for beth, crack of doom.
"
"crack of doom? man, you do carry on!
see the light spreading over my lawn?
what you seem to presume is
the lord's crack of doom is
just sunrise?the sweet crack of dawn.
"
"their digs? an old shanty, a shack-house,
but it's crowded all night. not a snack-house,
it's for smoking cocaine,
so a profit they gain.
all the neighbors complain it's a crack house.
"
"what's a crack baby? journalists mention
this term, but it's just an invention
to arouse public ire.
seems the truth is less dire;
still they use it to capture attention.
"
"he decoded joe's note, so i kissed 'im.
he's a genius, so who can resist 'im?
i had worn myself thin. it
took him just a minute
with the aid of his new cryptosystem.
"
"cryptozoic: way back in the day,
and before many life-forms held sway?
in this period you
will find fossils are few,
if you dig in precambrian clay.
"
"now it's dried, though it once was aquatic,
but it may live again (how exotic!).
animation's suspended,
but its life isn't ended;
observe! it is cryptobiotic!
"
"though you once were a dutiful lad,
most respectful of mother and dad,
you've become quite a rebel,
and hard as a pebble?
your contumacy's driving us mad!
"
"my lawyer calls drew's accusations
conclusory (sic) allegations.
does that mean they're conclusive?
or are they delusive?
the word causes major frustrations.
"
"if you're looking to boost your ability
in gymnastics, then work on agility.
try hitting the gym
to assure, for each limb,
that its muscles maintain contractility.
"
"i make alloys. i'm now in a pickle;
supplies are reduced to a trickle.
the dealers in copper
have all come a cropper?
no more can i make cupronickel.
"
"the docs at the old sanitarium
want to x-ray the human conarium.
their work is quite shoddy?
the pineal body
is not what they'll see using barium.
"
"promenading, said pater to mater,
""the museum had made me curator
of outsider art?
an exhibit apart.
you'll quit hating it sooner or later.""
"
"a contredanse, played by a band,
may sound tacky or really quite grand.
though it's rural in style,
it will surely beguile
when in mozart's or beethoven's hand.
"
"the seychelles are home to this breed
called the coco de mer. these palms lead
all the others, worldwide,
in a way they can't hide:
by producing the world's largest seed!
"
"this psychiatrist? just can't afford 'er
to treat sue's conversion disorder,
so i'll bring this hysteric
to visit a cleric?
our pastor has never ignored 'er.
"
"the landlord is willing to lease us
this house, but i hope he won't fleece us,
as the rent is sky high,
and he's hoping we'll buy.
he imagines we're both rich as croesus!
"
"the mystic maintained she could hear
secret voices from nature's lost sphere.
her clairaudience brought
her great fame. she was sought
for the rare esp of her ear.
"
"in the sand, find a clamshell with edging
that's sharp, and a shape good for wedging,
on the isle of nantucket?
it looks like the bucket
called  clamshell that's useful for dredging.
"
"that cruzeiro you have from brazil?
it's a hundred centavos, so chill!
what? two million you've got?
well, they're not worth a lot?
several thousand for one dollar bill.
"
"saint francis, who came from assisi,
wore robes of plain cloth?nothing fleecy?
never rumpled, but neat
from his head to his feet,
so discreet, neither crumpled nor creasy.
"
"""your complacence?your self-satisfaction,""
i told him, ""creates a subtraction
in your candidate rating
as a swain for my dating.""
""tant pis!"" was his wisecrack reaction.
"
"many coca plants grow in peru,
in the andes, where people will chew
on the leaves, which inspire
high folks to get higher,
but they work all the time that they do.
"
"this limerick's not yet completed.
when you get to the end, you'll be treated
to my humble life's story;
you'll share in my glory
and then will no longer feel cheated.
"
"the new bloke in the condo adjacent
is quite cheerful and helpful?complaisant.
my moods never faze him;
i'm happy to praise him.
could a neighborly courtship be nascent?
"
"this surgery sure asks a lot o' me.
it starts with a full-fledged tendotomy;
then the tendon's replanted,
and properly slanted
on the eyeball. it's called curb tenotomy.
"
"in the forest, look up, if you please,
to the treetops that stir in the breeze.
the crown canopy shades
all below till light fades?
it's the leaves from the crowns of the trees.
"
"when a necklace i really enjoyed
was appraised, i was really annoyed.
gold with copper, combined ?
i went out of my mind!
you could say that my pleasure's alloyed.
"
"when co-pilots fly in a plane,
they've advantages few of us gain.
from the cockpit they do
get a beautiful view
of the landscape, except in the rain.
"
"i'd devote all my life, if i could,
to promoting the world's common good,
but my help to humanity
engenders profanity
from peasants?i'm misunderstood!
"
"in the lab, i'm discussing young ben's
compound microscope betty must cleanse.
""when you clean it, attend
to the eyepiece and spend
lots of time on the fine compound lens.""
"
"commensally living, these two
kinds of beasts stick together like glue.
though each one, on its own,
could survive all alone,
that is not what they usually do.
"
"what's the same about ""lax"" and ""o'hare""?
airport questions can give me a scare,
and i really think fast
when i'm asked to contrast
the same words i am asked to compare.
"
"after tosca, i saw the mikado,
and enjoyed the cast's verve and bravado.
now the press calls me ""vulture""
(though the kind who loves culture).
hey, i'm just an aficionado.
"
"thelma's thesis? well-written and styled;
her statistics are neatly compiled.
she says cultivated rice
feeds the world. well, that's nice,
so i smiled. i prefer my rice wild.
"
"the pirate who's good with a broadsword
laughs at others': ""just like my aunt maud's sword!""
then persuades the battalions
who guard spanish galleons
that each of them carries a flawed sword.
"
"a movie-mad woman named katie
is eager to date warren beatty.
""outrageous!"" i rage.
""why, that guy's twice your age!""
kate replies, ""i don't care if he's eighty!""
"
"we won't dress like school-masters or -marms;
though we fight, we will show off our charms.
we'll go sleeveless and dare
to display our arms bare.
you may say we are comrades in arms.
"
"in this painting of mary, who mourns,
jesus' head wears the dread crown of thorns.
not the sea star, and not
the tall plant in your pot?
as a symbol of scorn, it adorns.
"
"i'm eager for actual data
on that cheesy white stuff (looks like feta)
that comes out with your egg
on its journey's first leg.
it is called the corona radiata.
"
"""this pile of sweet corn ears looks hearty,
but to husk them's a chore,"" complained marty.
""let's invite all our pals,
lots of fellas and gals,
to a cornhusking?make it a party.""
"
"he said, ""madam, allow me to savor
your sauce with the great curry flavor.""
he smiled, but she, yawning,
assumed he was fawning.
""you flatterer! don't curry favor!""
"
"this custard! i must sing its praise.
my eyes glaze at the thought. in a daze,
i get homesick and dreamy;
it's rich and it's creamy.
remember the name?cr?me anglaise!
"
"i don't drink any booze, so the label
of teetotaler fits?yet i'm able
to visit with ease
when my friends serve their teas
on a low-to-the-floor cocktail table.
"
"i am sure i will never forget
when i first got to use a curette.
while removing the tumor,
i tried to use humor,
and bombed, to my lasting regret.
"
"my neighbor has named his dog zimmer.
what's his basis? i haven't a glimmer
of insight. i try,
but i can't figure why.
can't he find something dimmer or grimmer?
"
"when it comes to the crab-eating fox,
one had better think out of the box.
it's called crab-eating dog?
puts my mind in a fog?
well, at least they're not calling it ox!
"
"when i went to the shop to buy beans,
all the buttons popped off my new jeans.
""lady, lima or navy?
for soup or for gravy?""
""string or snaps for my waist, by all means!""
"
"""a young swan? what a beautiful thing!
there are six in my moat,"" said the king.
""can we teach them to go
in a circle? if so,
i will christen it this: cygnet ring.""
"
"a color-blind captain called piggott
got confused when commanding his frigate?
was the sea red or green??
but his crew thought him keen.
bias-free, he was never a bigot.
"
"an herb you will never forget,
the cursed crowfoot will grow where it's wet;
and its leaves when rubbed in,
will leave blisters on skin,
so you'll handle with care or regret!
"
"a paleontology wonk
felt a stone hit his head and go ""bonk!""
he looked up in surprise,
and in front of his eyes
was a conchite (a fossilized conch).
"
"for my grandma, i purchased a close-stool?
a hand-painted purple-and-rose stool.
it was able to hide
the big potty inside,
so she sighed, ""what a lovely repose stool.""
"
"the crab spider, cunning young pup,
hunts his prey in an ambush, and, yup,
gets his name from a crab.
to prepare for a grab,
he moves sideways, or even backs up.
"
"dear reader, my problem is sticky.
my limerick's become a lime rickey?
turned into a drink!
and it's happened, i think,
in the blink of an ""ey."" man, that's tricky!
"
"is the food in your restaurant drab?
do your patrons hate paying the tab?
do your cocktails of shrimp
appear droopy and limp?
then try making your cocktails of crab.
"
"""here's my baby,"" said mother, with dread,
""i'm afraid something's wrong with his head.
his coronal?that suture?
seems closed. what's his future?
can you operate?make the bones spread?""
"
"a pirate who's good with his scimitar
can crucify foes without limit or
induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to clear the entire perimeter.
"
"if clio (she's history's muse)
met cleo of egypt, they'd shmooze,
tete-a-tete, between gals;
they had mutual pals,
so to gossip they'd never refuse.
"
"at the concert, lew klein, in a bind,
wore a suit of a ludicrous kind?
with a jacket so short, it
in front looked aborted,
while coattails hung limply behind.
"
"a pirate who's good with an ax
can rebuff the most savage attacks,
then call forth from batallions
that guard spanish galleons
more smiles and a few ""welcome back""s.
"
"a pirate who's good with his sword
can vanquish a mutinous horde,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to smile and say ""welcome aboard!""
"
"here's a fabric that's used in elite
lingerie, as its cling is discreet.
for your own aphrodite,
buy a beautiful nightie,
in silk, with a fine crystal pleat.
"
"my eye surgeon's ready for action.
he's planning a cryoextraction.
he'll remove my bad lens
and, my friends, while it mends,
i'll have cataract-free satisfaction.
"
"farmer fairmont's a bloke who can't bear crows.
with devils in hell he'll compare crows,
so to scare them away
he retains, in his pay,
several crowkeepers?hires them as scarecrows.
"
"a disease of the crotch, cupid's itch,
is a minor catastrophe which,
be it crabs or the clap,
has you caught in a trap.
std treatment can be a bitch!
"
"his tv set habitually blared,
as my neighbor was hearing-impaired,
but he claimed this contraption 'd
make programs closed-captioned,
with titles for shows that were aired.
"
"while writing his tales, geoffrey chaucer
couldn't think, and got crosser and crosser.
""what's that flower? oh, hell!
like the canterbury bell!""
(then he waited a spell) ""cup and saucer!""
"
"the cryobiologist, bold,
works on mysteries yet to unfold
that apply to this issue:
how microbes and tissue
adapt to survive in the cold.
"
"my surgeon's a bit of an actor.
he'll be using a cryoextractor,
which is terribly cold.
he's dramatic and bold,
but his skill's the preeminent factor.
"
"an actress in france gave the name
to this dish and achieved lasting fame,
so we'll never forget.
as dessert, cr?pe suzette
sets both platter and passions aflame.
"
"the aardvark resides in the zoo,
and the zebra is living there too.
the first lives on ants,
while the second eats plants.
why does neither wear pants? i've no clue!
"
"cuckoo-bumblebee? terrible pest
that enters another bee's nest,
kills the queen?a disgrace?
and lays eggs in her place,
and then promptly makes slaves of the rest.
"
"charley's wife had gone out on a date
on a sailboat that didn't look great.
amongst ropes that were hockled,
and sails rucked and cockled,
chuck was cuckolded, there, by his mate.
"
"of cultus cod, loudly i sing?cod
that's certainly fit-for-a-king cod.
you needn't insult it;
it's not in a cult, it
is simply a name for the lingcod.
"
"my pal hal often argues with sal,
who's a quarrelsome sort of a gal.
after dinner, she's loyal
to a drink?coffee royal,
while hal calls it caf? royale.
"
"""curb your dog!"" is a blurb often seen,
and i wonder: just what does it mean?
is it ""keep your dog quiet""?
if so, then i'll try it,
but i doubt i can make it routine.
"
"quite a manicure ace i've become.
see the cuticle, there on my thumb?
if i clip it, no pain
is relayed to my brain.
that thick skin has no feeling?it's numb.
"
"you've left cumulative trash on my deck
in a cumulative heap.  what a wreck!
and your cumulative stares
that convey: ""heck! who cares?""
are a cumulative pain in the neck.
"
"i'm afraid ray will lead us astray,
as our paper is due right away,
and he's causing frustration
with his endless cunctation.
he procrastinates?makes us delay.
"
"well, this court action sure gets my goat.
no one cares for a creditor's vote.
i'll defeat, if i can,
this man's bankruptcy plan.
it's a cramdown?and that you may quote!
"
"jared suffers from cubitus varus.
he's a kid that the other kids harass.
jared learned, with chagrin,
that his forearm points in.
it's a trait that he found would embarrass.
"
"they may whisper; at times they may rant,
but our grasp of their language is scant.
ask me what this achieves?
they're professional thieves.
can we follow their talk?  no we can't!
"
"dr. kisch, a fine diagnostician,
so clever he's thought a magician,
says, ""i use the technology
of clinical psychology;
i'm just an efficient clinician!""
"
"down under, it's dry and it's hot
in the outback. i like it a lot.
can a currawong be
in a currajong tree?
in australia, i can't see why not.
"
"from the moment his roaming began,
with a masculine group siegfried ran.
then he found this odd creature
with a twin cup-shaped feature,
and bravely sang, ""this is no man!""
"
"you'll be noticed whenever you pass
in this chestpiece of leather or brass,
as it stops at the waist,
and is sexy, not chaste.
they'll say, ""hey! have you seen that cuirass?""
"
"ancient grecians?they knew, from the start,
it's a flower that speaks to the heart,
so they made an elixir?
a love-problem fixer.
that's why the plant's called cupid's dart.
"
"to the ball for our charity drive, a
naked dame came as lady godiva.
(her boyfriend, of course,
came attired as her horse.)
folks bespawled her with sprays of saliva.
"
"this tenor role's saved for the star men.
don jos? falls in love, joins bizarre men,
as an army deserter.
his lover's a flirter;
her murder's the ending of carmen.
"
"with my scissors, i cut off a mat,
from a place on your back, my dear cat.
(the acnestis, it's called.)
though it's now rather bald,
you can't scratch it, sweet bluebell. that's that!
"
"a cougnar set out at high noon,
and by two faced a roaring typhoon;
so this three-masted ship
had an unasked-for trip
to rangoon, where it met a monsoon.
"
"thanks for nothing?my thesis just flunked.
where your thinking and mine were conjunct
was, my prof says, pure junk.
he assumed i was drunk.
you're a skunk, and our friendship's defunct.
"
"if you bang it real hard, you will moan?
this part of the elbow that's known
as a funny bone.  why?
you won't laugh?you will cry!
it's so crazy, this sensitive bone.
"
"it's a chamber, a burial spot,
that is more like a crypt than a plot.
guess i'll add the cubiculum
to our roman curriculum,
where catacomb study is hot.
"
"""i have cubitus valgus,"" said chip,
""and my forearm points out from my hip.
it's a different deformity,
but to me no enormity.
i think brother jared's a drip!""
"
"my job is a great one because
in my contract's an odd conscience clause.
i need not serve a hawk,
or hear bigoted talk.
i just balk, then i walk?to applause.
"
"to king croesus, the ruler of lydia,
said his soothsayer, ""fortune is skiddy; ya
got rich, but yer wealth
cannot guarantee health,
as the persians will surely get rid o' ya.""
"
"to the sounds of soft twanging and gongs,
they performed in their native sarongs,
and they sang an old song;
but their hair was all wrong
till they curled it with irons and tongs.
"
"we're expecting, through cytogenetics,
to help understand diabetics.
it's the study of genes,
using technical means,
like machines and the latest synthetics.
"
"a cone of my tissue he shall
remove from the outer canal
of my cervix to answer:
were the cells from a cancer
in this upper vaginal locale?
"
"the coelenterates gathered in blocks,
telling time by the sun without clocks,
but the bossy anemone
surrendered hegemony
to corals, the builders of rocks.
"
"cronkhite-canada syndrome: disease
of the bowels. observe how ms lee's
cursed with polyps right through,
and her skin's messed up too.
i'm surprised that she's not japanese.
"
"student nurses? they hadn't a clue
in describing what patients would do.
""in the bedpan, his stools
look like little brown boules,
and each boule has a curlicue, too.""
"
"there's a painting i've seen, of an eye,
by magritte. in the eye is a sky,
and the clouds in its limbus?
not cumulonimbus
(or storm clouds)?the weather's quite dry.
"
"in the mexican highlands (sierra),
i once met an old curandera.
she had made quite a mark
using quinine from bark,
and for ulcers would use aloe vera.
"
"if a man was a liar or thief,
his punishment often brought grief.
he was tied to a cucking stool
(sometimes a ducking stool).
tortured, he cried for relief.
"
"are there creatures more basic than my toad?
not a swimmer or diver?a dry toad?
he's content eating flies.
can you guess my surprise
when i found that the simplest's a cytode?
"
"""cytochemistry's very complex,""
said that hunky professor called rex.
""many compounds will function
through pairing?conjunction.""
i thought, ""must he talk about sex?""
"
"this molecule causes elation
when involved in the vital creation
of cell energy. we
call it cytochrome c;
it's a factor in life's animation.
"
"your urine has cells. urinalysis
shows trouble from cystoparalysis.
your bladder's inert,
and infection has hurt
both your kidneys?you may need dialysis.
"
"women's bladders? they sometimes will fall,
and a cystocele's no fun at all.
cystopexy repairs
this dropped bladder, so there's
a supportive abdominal wall.
"
"we broadcast our forecasts out loud,
and of cumulus sightings, we're proud.
when we spot something puffy
(like cotton, and fluffy),
we know it's a fair-weather cloud.
"
"when studying music, as reader
of bach, i rely on my schmieder,
but for art songs, i find,
i must leave bach behind,
and let schubert become my new lieder.
"
"""the cicadas are chirring outside
of my window?so strident,"" he cried,
""that they keep me awake.
what a racket they make.
i'll rejoice when the last of them's died!""
"
"when studying english, one learns
about synonyms, useful in turns.
certain words are adjustable:
it combusts? it's combustible;
combustive, comburent?it burns.
"
"when i planned a career in cytology,
my roommate in college said, ""golly gee,
i don't know what impels
this obsession with cells.""
soon i'll tell him he owes an apology.
"
"""i've two words.  they are cuddy and cubby.
they can mean just the same,"" said my hubby.
""that is, 'pantry or closet'
where i'll make a deposit,
but i can't fit inside. i'm too chubby.""
"
"my grandparents once owned a close-stool,
not a model-for-art-students' pose-stool,
nor a bar stool (guess not,
'cause inside was a pot)?
an aroma-that-rose-to-the-nose-stool.
"
"when her husband 'round corners was duckin',
the cuckquean might demonstrate pluck in
the ""good old days."" she
could raise hell, although he,
in the style of the times, kept on truckin'.
"
"i'm adopting a viewpoint darwinian
to consider the lifestyle czarinian.
czars' whims and opinions
controlled their dominions?
heirs of caesars of rome, like justinian?
"
"my friend smitty's our new music critic.
his approach is intense, analytic,
and his prose is seductive,
but he's always constructive,
and his wit?for a brit?not acidic.
"
"if a gallstone is stubbornly tucked
in your gall bladder's sole cystic duct,
it will back up the bile,
and the surgeons will smile,
as they love to find stones that obstruct.
"
"anesthesia can be deleterious,
so this surgery's certainly serious.
a cystectomy takes
out your bladder and makes
patients happy and surgeons delirious.
"
"yes, my bladder's developed a stone,
made?they tell me?of cystine alone,
so this lab i erect,
and with all due respect,
try to learn how a cystolith's grown.
"
"""i have cells in my pee,"" said the dancer.
""cyturia?could it be cancer?""
""no, it's just an infection.
a simple injection
will fix it right up!"" was doc's answer.
"
"what's a cryptolect? genre of speech
that the schools are not likely to teach.
it's the language of gangsters
and prattle of pranksters.
its gist, by design, we can't reach.
"
"curling's ulcer?in textbooks one learns
that it used to kill patients with burns.
now it's rare, i must mention,
as we practice prevention.
i'm hoping it never returns.
"
"climbing hempweed?this limerick's a primer.
not a newbie, it's quite an old-timer,
and hauteur this plant masters,
as it's one of the  asters?
maybe botany's first social climber.
"
"my publisher knew, a priori,
that the public would relish my story,
but i shook in my shoes.
till she called with good news:
all reviews are congratulatory!
"
"the cryptosporidium thrives
in the gut, where this parasite strives
to make mischief. you'll see a
severe diarrhea
wreck immunocompromised lives.
"
"but had nate called me cornified, then
he would still be erroneous when
he implied that my humor
was stale. there's a rumor
he won't use such ""corn"" words again.
"
"""i eat so many peppers, i worry,""
said murray. ""my taste buds are blurry.
when i went to new delhi,
i couldn't tell jelly
or melon from really hot curry.""
"
"super cool, as a phrase, sounded hip.
""guess i'll get one of those,"" was chip's quip.
but a cryoprobe's not
what the hotshots have got.
it's a tool with a super cool tip.
"
"the dancers wear beautiful clothes,
and the music flows down to their toes.
the czardas starts slow,
but its tempo will grow?
as every hungarian knows.
"
"""i thought we had planned to elope, man;
now it seems that you're selling me soap, man!""
""yes, i'd asked you to wed,
and i'm peddling instead,""
the guy said. ""guess i'm mostly a copeman.""
"
"a curat goes over the vest?
heavy metal protecting the chest.
mine is surely the best?
has my family crest?
it's been blessed by the bishop of brest.
"
"contently, contentless, contentful:
say them softly, or strongly accentful.
these obsolete words
mix me up (for the birds!).
do i miss them? i'm no way resentful.
"
"through the galleries pearl likes to swirl;
she loves operas and concerts?that girl!
she takes photos, plays koto,
her brooch?  mikimoto;
in toto, a real cultured pearl.
"
"""there's a stye lying right by your eye,
sir oliver pilkington-pie,""
says his doctor. ""i'll lance it.""
he sighs, ""if you chance it,
like a baby, i'm likely to cry.""
"
"this wish for your birthday's belated;
i fear that my lateness was fated.
i'd forgotten the day?
was it really last may?
(i think promptness is much overrated.)
"
"at a muscle, let's now take a peek,
as without it, our lives would be bleak?
cricothyroid?it sits
in the larynx.  what's its
major purpose? it helps us to speak.
"
"call it croylstone. it's one kind of cawk,
with a crystal that's small. i've heard talk
that it's on our exam
in geology. damn!
i told pam that we'd go for a walk.
"
"the dacoits were a group people feared.
to commit heinous crimes they were geared.
though the word comes from hindi,
they use it in 'pindi?
it hasn't, as yet, disappeared.
"
"would the study of fossils equip us
to label this find eohippus?
this dawn horse, the size
of a dog, might surprise
us?less likely to carry than trip us.
"
"i met jason; my mind's in a haze.
i get dizzy and crazed at his gaze.
though awhirl, i am still
praying daily i will
be his girl for the rest of my daze.
"
"once i saw with the utmost precision;
now my sight in dim light brings derision,
so to keep me alive,
i will no longer drive
after dark. i'll employ daylight vision.
"
"a pirate who's mad, in high dudgeon,
can bash twenty men with his bludgeon,
then force the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to yield and salute the curmudgeon.
"
"are your trousers, in front, an awry zone?
that may be, for your date, a goodbye zone.
take a tip from my aunts:
wear elastic-top pants
where the crotch is a sewed-up no-fly zone.
"
"when i ponder that rare fish, the cui-ui,
i wonder, just where did it wee-wee?
in pyramid lake?
and i'd never mistake
this large fish for a peewee or kiwi.
"
"my employment? i study the cell,
where the genes, in the nucleus, dwell,
and i chart their morphology.
this cytobiology
serves science?and pays pretty well.
"
"the subject i'm planning to write on
is the neuron's cell body?the cyton.
think it's dull? that remark
shows you're still in the dark,
as without it, we can't turn a light on.
"
"on this microscope slide, clyde, i wish you
would try this new dye. here's the issue:
i expect it will be
cytophilic?the key
to the staining of cells in this tissue.
"
"seems the cyton (it's also called soma)
can engender alertness or coma.
it's the source of activity,
and a person's proclivity
to develop a neurocytoma.
"
"the neurologist said of a chef
who went suddenly blind and then deaf:
""he is febrile, delirious.
there's cytosis?it's serious?
lots of cells in the man's csf!""
"
"all the kids in our school now await us.
wait! the clouds are now cumulostratus?
their broad bases stretched long.
ohmigod! if we're wrong,
they will bait us, berate us, and hate us!
"
"the veggies and fruits we consume
are not all from mom nature's great womb.
many plants we are fed
are commercially bred.
they are cultivars, coaxed into bloom.
"
"the outsider art show had cippi?
not the stelae from rome?these were dippy.
the inscriptions were quippy,
like ""bet your sweet bippy!""
guess that one was carved by a hippie.
"
"an obsessive called jake from australia
liked to deck himself out in regalia.
what produced the great splash
at our halloween bash?
not his outfit?his loud coprolalia.
"
"not a country-, but city- or burb-cut,
it's convenient?a truly superb cut.
it helps wheelchairs and prams
pushed by mammas and grams
mount the sidewalk. i speak of the curb cut.
"
"from my dream i awake with a moan?
seems my husband has married a clone.
we've identical looks;
i discover she cooks,
and likes football. (i'm knocked off my throne.)
"
"there's his voice, on my message recorder.
he called me from south of the border,
so i won't get much peace,
as our local police
will, of course, not enforce my court order.
"
"though our selfish young teacher can't tell fish
from chicken, she's planning to sell fish
for the big high school clambake.
i fear it's a scam-bake;
the tickets say: bring your own shellfish.
"
"our factory isn't equipped
to containerize goods to be shipped,
so i outsourced the task
to the guy with the flask,
though his boxes are dull, nondescript.
"
"a lumberman asked me, ""just where
can i locate the coco de mer?""
i replied, ""i have qualms
about placing these palms.
you might cut them all down?and they're rare.""
"
"it takes one thing and makes it another.
a converter makes dad into mother;
it makes slim into fat,
and makes this into that?
it's a notion no brother should smother.
"
"my co-author has turned out contrarious
(he's perverse); my position's precarious.
he's as dense as a mule?
and i feel like a fool?
yet my wife finds my problem hilarious.
"
"said my beau, ""i will never forget
my old mother's beignet de crevette!""
and he sighed. now i vow,
though i can't figure how,
i will master french cookery yet.
"
"counter-sabotage? that job is rough.
learning terrorists' plans?hard enough?
then disrupting these plots
takes intelligence, lots,
so our agents are crafty and tough.
"
"i'm complaining. there should be a law
against insults by doctors. i saw
(though i did well in school,
he must think me a fool)
the prescription my doc wrote said: ""daw.""
"
"many minerals, there in the ground,
that some scientists eagerly found,
were, like davyum, not
a new element. what
they surmised was not chemically sound.
"
"when at last i have reached my adultancy,
i'll have reason for cheer and exultancy,
but i don't plan to work
nine to five, like a jerk?
for a living, i'm planning consultancy.
"
"are you seeking a tasteful expression
you can use with finesse and discretion
for the action of mating,
without an x-rating?
my suggestion: the old word congression.
"
"could daffodil garlic taste good
in a pasta sauce? maybe it would,
as it's garlic from naples,
and one of their staples
is pasta?it hasta?it should!
"
"my father was always suspicious
of mitch, who was over-ambitious.
""he'll be poor at his finish;
his wealth will diminish,""
said dad. ""all his pelf? ablatitious!""
"
"d'artagnan: this young man appears
to be fearless?so brave for his years.
""one for all, all for one!""
wrote dumas (dad, not son)
in the novel the three musketeers.
"
"though my critics complain it's a sham,
i am building a dam in siam,
and i swear i'll deliver;
i'm damming the river.
should i quiver? i don't give a damn!
"
"bailey played in a very strange way,
using patties for balls; when she'd play
this antique outdoor game,
she was timid and tame.
she was famous for chicken croquet.
"
"at grand larceny chase was an ace.
in his youth, he stole jewels with grace,
but last night he was caught
so this morning he sought
some advice on his criminal case.
"
"all my friends think my painting is quaint?
it's all brownish, and colors are faint.
they suggest that i try
something lively, but i
am refusing to buy day-glo paint!
"
"though i seek your attention, you daff
me, as if i were merely a calf.
then you daff (that is: daunt)
all my hopes, and you flaunt
your command and control with a laugh.
"
"the cormorants fish in the bay,
and they swallow their catch every day,
as they haven't an ice box?
that would be a nice box?
to save them and store them away.
"
"hear fred flintstone in daba? go to
southern chad (they speak daba); then you
must engage in a search
for an abba in church,
and say, ""hey, abba, speak daba?do!""
"
"a divinity doctor (d.d.)
on the trinity, expert will be,
but if something he shipped
is hit sideways and chipped,
the d.d. gets his goods d.d.c.
"
"cop a feel? i'd demand that you stop,
or i'd pop you?a bop on your top?
but now that police
may be jill or denise,
i will ask if you might feel a cop.
"
"the magician did wonderful tricks
when performing way out in the sticks.
from an average-sized pumpkin,
he pulled out a bumpkin.
(the word describes yokels and hicks.)
"
"for the role of ulrica, my choice
is the gal with the lovely deep voice.
that vivacious contralto
now wows palo alto?
her listeners cheer and rejoice.
"
"what is crackling rale? well, to be straight,
it's a noise which is likely to grate?
through the stethoscope heard,
through infection incurred.
penicillin may make it abate.
"
"a breathless young lady named beth
got excited and tried crystal meth.
she flew high?up she'd soar?
but she soon needed more;
then hardcore, from the drug met her death.
"
"of the physicist sadi carnot,
people said, ""there's a man in the knot!""
was he great as hans bethe,
though bethe lived lathe?
some think so, while others say, ""not!""
"
"think of lewisite?poisonous junk.
bal counteracts this vile gunk.
if you're driving like hell,
cops will check bal
to find out if you're driving while drunk.
"
"world war ii's unforgettable knavery:
she was kidnapped for sexual slavery,
and her captors behaved
in a manner depraved.
her survival depended on bravery.
"
"our african tour guide was cheeky?
not creaky with age, and not geeky.
though he came from st. paul,
he could charm one and all,
looking chic in his patterned dashiki.
"
"""say it 'day-us,' or else say it 'die-us.'
either way is okay; we've no bias,
and would people obey us
if we mandated 'day-us,'
or,"" said guys on the dais, ""defy us?""
"
"the god dagon, the sine qua non
the philistines depended upon
for their welfare and crops,
for a time made them tops;
now both they and their dagon are gone.
"
"in the cleanup that followed the flood,
we became well acquainted with mud,
but what came through the door
and was caked on the floor?
i would have to describe it as crud.
"
"made of corn? it's our favorite muffin,
so i wonder?is muffy just bluffin'?
has our tough southern cousin
just baked us a dozen?
if so, soon our mouths we'll be stuffin'.
"
"duffy's weightlifting coach liked to say,
""what you need is more work and less play.
though this program is tough,
if you practice enough,
you'll be more and more buff, day by day.""
"
"the crampfish? an odd one, i'd say,
that is found on the floor of this bay.
if you step off the dock
on this fish, then a shock
that's electric will come from this ray.
"
"i'm obese; i'll admit there's a lot o' me,
and my drinking too much made a sot o' me,
so i choked on my stew.
i'm so grateful that you
saved my life with a knife (a cricotomy).
"
"genus dasypus? no, they're not willows,
and they wouldn't make very good pillows.
they're not lovely, like venus;
i speak of the genus
in which you will find armadillos.
"
"we were bashed, and my head hit the dashboard?
not a padded, i fear, anti-smash board?
and the blood from my brow
splashed the dash, so that now
it's returned to its role as a splash-board.
"
"when it's name derivations i seek,
i find days' names are ancient?antique!
there are thor, frigg, and tyr,
also wodan, i fear:
pagan gods for each day of the week.
"
"nancy said, ""try dactyliomancy
if a glimpse of the future you fancy.
it's divining with rings.""
i said, ""one of those things
that may prove to be stings? nan, that's chancy.""
"
"seems my dacryocystalgia is back,
so of torments i've never a lack.
this one's making me cry,
and i'm sure i know why?
it's a pain in my lacrimal sac.
"
"fanny hannity, known for her vanity,
feels above all the rest of humanity.
she is quite a fanatic,
and overdramatic.
it's daftness in her?it's insanity!
"
"in south africa, maggie would brag a
whole lot about bagging a bag o'
stuff looking like pot.
it was pot that she'd got,
though in durban, they call the weed dagga.
"
"every monday my class gets a test,
and on tuesday i bring in a guest,
then wednesday through saturday
we work, though the latter day
brings sunday?our blessed day of rest.
"
"if we camp on this isle for a week,
we'll learn all about seals: how they're sleek,
how they think, what they drink,
how they reek?man, they stink!
so a day trip is what we will seek.
"
"the bugle awoke him at six.
was it one of the boys' nasty tricks?
private hicks gave a cough,
""ain't today my day off?""
""no, we work every day at fort dix!""
"
"though i haven't much fun in the daytime,
as work time is often dismay-time,
with twilight comes nighttime,
and, man, that's the right time
for going astray?it's my playtime!
"
"once agnostic and clouded in doubt,
howie now is a convert?devout.
once he'd laugh and pooh-pooh ya,
but now ""hallelujah!""
he's shouting, day in and day out.
"
"his behavior betrays a pathology.
pills were useless, and so was astrology,
as was changing his diet
(i thought we should try it)?
it's time to try clinical psychology.
"
"you're impeccably dressed? then you're dapper,
not a button awry or a snapper,
with that cary grant air,
but i warn you: beware!
zip your fly coming out of the crapper.
"
"call him daddy, or poppa, or pop,
every june he is raised to the top.
he gets neckties and shirts,
and he smiles till it hurts.
it's a custom perhaps we should drop.
"
"""go to dancing school,"" nancy advised.
""skill at dancing's a trait that is prized.
we can go out for malts
once you've mastered the waltz.""
but i can't, as i'm too oversized.
"
"the makers of dacron declare
that their fabric requires little care.
through the washer and dryer
go clothes we admire;
don't press them?they're true ""wash and wear.""
"
"i went sailing with jock (alter kocker);
his ineptness at sea was a shocker.
on its side the boat heeled,
and i panicked and squealed,
""we are heading for davy jones' locker!""
"
"as a rule, i like finding the bright side
of life; i maintain it's the right side.
i prefer the moon's dayside
to its facing-away side,
and i take no delight in its nightside.
"
"there is many an excellent bill
that is sent up to capitol hill,
and considered, and noted,
debated, then voted:
the choice is to pass or to kill.
"
"i told nancy, ""please don't take a chance
sporting daywear at sam's fancy dance.
you'll be greeted with frowns
by the dames in their gowns
if you come in a tank top and pants.""
"
"""do for others,"" james claimed, was his creed; he
collected big bucks for the needy,
till philanthropist randall
uncovered a scandal?
spending funds on himself, james got greedy.
"
"gracie purchased some rouge for her face
in a fancy and elegant place.
here's the bill she must pay;
she's not ready today,
so she's asking for three days of grace.
"
"each morning, the sky's best display-star
is venus; we call her the day-star.
she will sometimes appear
(like a friend) to draw near,
though i know she's a far, far away-star.
"
"your new pets?do they practice monophagy?
that's okay. if they practice zoophagy,
then i'd never object,
but i would, i suspect,
if their habits included coprophagy.
"
"you're a daydreamer, dear, and it's clear
the professors do not have your ear.
you hear nothing they say,
as you're far, far away?
in your mind, you've gone out for a beer.
"
"lookin' down from duh airplane?below me
is duh place joe mccombie will show me.
he grew up in my 'hood,
now lives here?man, dat's good!
in benin, i will visit duh homie!
"
"consider the lovely crown daisy.
you can eat it?i know that sounds crazy?
but in chinese cuisine
it's the chop-suey-green.
chuck some into your wok?don't be lazy.
"
"it is smooth on its sides and its back;
on its head are some tufts that are black.
it is active and spunky,
this little crown monkey?
the indian (bonnet) macaque.
"
"since my wife got that bite (from the cat?),
she won't wake in the daytime?that's flat!
she will not come alive
until well after five?
comes to life and turns into a bat.
"
"then he sobbed and collapsed?he went limp.
""grandpa jim, so they said, was a shrimp,
and my dad was a mobster
who married a lobster.
i wish he had married a chimp.""
"
"""let us concentrate, kate,"" said her mentor.
""an intense state of mind we will enter.
let's concenter. we'll focus
our concern on this locus.""
she cried, ""sure!"" (she's an eager consenter.)
"
"""cryoproteins? they're proteins,"" said heather,
""that, when chilled, end up sticking together.
i'll provide just one sample:
cryoglobulin?ample
amounts lead to pain in cold weather.""
"
"not a trip to the balmy bahamas
nor a voyage like vasco da gama's
'neath taurus nor libra
will score us a zebra?
an equine who wears striped pajamas.
"
"i prepare many boules every fall
for the dance at municipal hall.
milk and yeast, lots of flour,
i must knead for an hour,
then conglobate the dough in a ball.
"
"i catch crabs in the bay every day,
and the restaurants love them.  they pay
both for she-crabs and hes.
chefs are easy to please,
but the soft-shells just blow them away.
"
"cryptomonad??very small fella
who never will need an umbrella.
if he touches a twig
he will zag and then zig;
he's an alga?a cell with flagella.
"
"autonomic, this system will serve,
with a network of many a nerve,
to keep your blood flowing,
your endocrines going.
it's a system we ought to preserve.
"
"two snot-nosed young sophomores from groton
had gotten a carton of cotton
(the absorbent type?fluffed).
scotty's toilet they stuffed.
what did scott call their plot? misbegotten!
"
"for a sweet summer treat at the beach,
i prefer to eat this kind of peach.
it is known as a clingstone,
and, unlike a bing's stone,
its pit hangs on tight, like a leech.
"
"cross darth vader with activist nader,
and you'll get brady gray, the day trader.
seems he started out mildly,
then traded quite wildly.
he'll soon be a corporate raider.
"
"a daunter engenders dismay;
as a naysayer, leads you astray.
you'll be fearful, resembling
an aspen that's trembling.
he'll take all your courage away.
"
"this waitress? there's seldom a spark in 'er.
age and labor, perhaps, left a mark in 'er.
just an order can frighten 'er;
ask for coffee with lightener,
and she'll bring you some milk with a darkener.
"
"his dauntlessness proves he has heart,
and his bravery sets him apart.
people call him a hero;
to me he's a zero.
his ego is way off the chart.
"
"i'm a foundling, was brought to a creche,
where with other lost kids i could mesh.
though it may seem ungrateful,
i found the place hateful.
now an adult, i've started afresh.
"
"given even a reading that's cursory,
seems that creche has three meanings. one's ""nursery""?
for our infants and tots,
or for animals. lots
are financed by a town's public bursary.
"
"kristin chenoweth's singing is swell.
yes, her voice is as clear as a bell,
and indeed all agreed
she was great in candide;
she was wicked in wicked as well.
"
"watching ducks eat their lunch was a hoot;
they were squabbling and quacking to boot!
their debate went on, babblingly,
ducks eating dabblingly?
noisily, boisterously cute.
"
"does he dabble in stocks?try his luck?
risk a thousand, or even one buck?
no, his rapid gyration
can raise vegetation,
a collation from muck?dabbling duck.
"
"joan is now in the navy. don't knock it.
she met jim. he was soon in her pocket,
but he met his reward
when he fell overboard.
where's jim now? he's in navy joan's locket.
"
"every leader and ruler's a shark;
now and then, an exception will spark.
think of jeanne, back in france,
who'd been given a chance,
but was made to combust, then grow d'arc.
"
"i am trying, alone at my desk,
to compose something gripping, dantesque,
but it's daunting to storm
using limerick form,
and i'm sure i'll end up with burlesque.
"
"i regaled you last night in the garden,
not knowing that you were a dardan,
with my plans to deploy
my battalions at troy,
to destroy it with joy?beg your pardon!
"
"at the dinner, i ate like a hog,
then felt sick, with my head in a fog.
when i asked druggist lyle
what would stimulate bile,
he took chol, and he added -agogue.
"
"two letters together: ak?
it's the code for alaska, i'd say,
or a guy who'll kiss asses,
and then, as time passes,
alter kocker becomes, and will stay.
"
"""our wing-tip's aflame; all is dire!
will we crash and expire?"" i inquire;
but the stewardess beams,
""it's just corposant. seems
that saint elmo's providing the fire!""
"
"saint ambrose (the bishop, of course),
in milan, was a man of great force.
to his honors were joined
the ambrosin, coined
with a picture of him on a horse.
"
"dandie dinmont, an odd name indeed,
is a dog; it's the name of a breed.
though it's entered in shows,
will it win? heaven knows,
with that name, it may never succeed.
"
"said the poppa, ""i can't hold a candle
to the grace with which grandpa can dandle
my new babe on his knee.
i fear dropping her. we
would be safer if she had a handle.""
"
"now she's handily suing for slander.
her attorney's ambitions grow grander
than you ever would guess.
i'm irate; i confess
that the lawsuit is raising my dander.
"
"in my darkroom, i process and print
photo landscapes. i give them a tint
that combines realistic
with  mystic, artistic?
to judge them, the viewer must squint.
"
"da ponte, a poet and scholar,
made critics hot under the collar.
his conceptions were bold,
although few of them sold,
and he often was short of a dollar.
"
"like a sweet baby bird?like a larkling?
she flew into my life, made it sparkling.
when i asked her to wed,
""you're insolvent!"" she said.
now my mood and my future are darkling.
"
"his good looks and fine manners? appealing.
i would never have guessed he was stealing,
but our audit, revealing
the facts, set me reeling.
now i'm feeling the need for darjeeling.
"
"leah leeds, when she went to korea,
found a cure-all, a real panacea.
""will it treat diarrhea,
and yaws?"" ""mamma mia,""
she said, ""that's the whole damned idea!""
"
"a new mom, on the island of cyprus,
cried ""i'm tired of washing these dyprus.
my cypriot baby
needs paper ones. maybe
i'll also use flushable wyprus.""
"
"lose a limb? you will need a prosthesis,
as your cells, using cytokinesis,
can't replace a lost leg?
though they can make an egg.
this we study in peg; she's our rhesus.
"
"the cutlass fish, not often seen
in the summer, is long and it's lean?
with a shape like a sword.
it should not be ignored
as, with teeth sharp as daggers, it's mean.
"
"if amoebas had eyes, they'd shed water,
and their nerves (if they had them) grow tauter.
they would protest as one:
""what i want is a son;
every cell i produce is a daughter!""
"
"oxymoron? don't know that i would
go and nominate dangerous good.
while the term's not ethereal
(it's scary material),
it's self-contradicting.  i should!
"
"dandy-walker? it sounds like a made-
to-help-old-people-ambulate aid,
but instead, heaven knows,
it's a complex of woes
for a very young child, i'm afraid.
"
"the word datum's the singular, mater,
and i'm certain that, sooner or later,
you will say (yes, verbatim),
""send more than one datum;
please send me not this, but these data!""
"
"though the mezzo sang carmen quite lustily,
don jos? sang his arias rustily.
he'd a cold in his head
and his larynx was red.
his bad news? my review's written crustily.
"
"neighbors said the assailant was crazed.
and the victim? surprised and amazed?
first he grabbed for her purse,
raised his fist in a curse,
and then left her (what's worse) hurt and dazed.
"
"the bridegroom from brooklyn, i guess,
was under unusual stress.
""hey! duh bridal gown's red!
man, i ain't gonna wed
any damsel,"" he said, ""in dis dress!""
"
"on my charger, i'll certainly gallop on
till i reach my estate, and i shall upon
coming home to my fields,
boost my sugarcane yields
with the help of the herbicide dalapon.
"
"when awarded the greeks' commendation,
miltiades gave an oration,
""the invaders assailed,
but our army prevailed!""
and he railed against persia: ""damnation!""
"
"when he heard the distinct crepitation,
hal's physician had no trepidation.
""you've a minor infection.
i'll give an injection;
you'll find it's the right medication.""
"
"with soldiers dressed up like postillions,
just to guard this old fort costs us millions.
let's civilianize?use
hired security crews?
we'll save cash by employing civilians.
"
"she had felt that she lived in utopia,
then had visual problems?myopia?
no, she suffered from day sight
(low-vitamin-a sight).
raw carrots soon cured nyctalopia.
"
"i'm a day student; morty's a boarder.
the dorm captain acts as his warder.
i go home every night
and get high as a kite,
while the boarding school keeps him in order.
"
"if the truth about seabirds you'd learn,
here's a bird that you never should spurn.
some folks call it a darr,
but wherever you are
you can say: ""european black tern.""
"
"a skin disease currently mars
the hides of my lambs; it's dartars.
i've consulted the vet,
but they're not cured as yet,
and i'm hoping the scabs won't leave scars.
"
"darlingtonia? call it the cobra.
i adopted one back in octobra.
this meat-eating lily
has got me scared silly.
i won't touch the damned thing when i'm sobra.
"
"what's called day-peep will find me asleep;
as the day breaks, my sleep may be deep,
but i'll soon see the dawn
and awake with a yawn?
though i also may utter a *bleep*!
"
"said my doc when her hand was released
from my gut, ""venous pressure increased.
ajr is a sign
that your heart's in decline.
i'll make sure you don't wind up deceased.""
"
"he endured much contempt, persecution,
for his theory of man's evolution.
charles darwin withstood
more than most people would,
when he made his unique contribution.
"
"if you travel the globe, you may, one day,
be journeying east on a monday.
pass over the date line?
that crazy-but-great line?
you'll find that it's suddenly sunday!
"
"mom and dad are a darby and joan,
married sixty-five years, they have grown
very fond of each other,
though dad wishes mother
used a razor?not his?but her own.
"
"in his cellar apartment, the dankness
caused an odor, a mold-scented rankness.
it was damp and too dark.
""better camp in the park,
than live here,"" i remarked?brutal frankness.
"
"when grandma would bake us some date
breads?aroma so great we can't wait
breads?they never would last.
we would eat them so fast,
she would have to make seven or eight.
"
"darius, a king and a persian,
made many a warlike excursion.
his son married esther,
but first he undressed her?
at least in the biblical version.
"
"sure, it took me a year to discover
why you'd simper, and flatter, and hover,
liking flowers i sent,
and the money i spent.
i won't spend one more cent, cupboard lover!
"
"an ambitious young actress was she.
she declared what she wanted to be:
""i don't crave simple stardom;
complete control (czardom)?
producer, director?that's me!""
"
"a cupuliform cataract? wow!
that must trouble your vision, 'cause now
your posterior capsule?
though there may be some gaps?'ll
make everything cloudy?and how!
"
"the professor explained darcy's law,
and the audience gasped when it saw
that petroleum travels
through sands and through gravels,
so neatly, without any flaw.
"
"certain laxatives reach to the core.
there is one that succeeds with a roar?
although danthron, of course, is
used mainly for horses,
and hardly for them any more.
"
"though, for counseling, lee pays a fee,
with her counselor she'll disagree.
as she storms out the door,
he yells, ""i'm coun-sel-or!
you're expected to be counselee.""
"
"this enthused bunch of techies can crunch
all our numbers so fast, i've a hunch
they're mathematical mystics
who dine on statistics,
eat fourier series for lunch!
"
"my neighbor's a famous danseur
in the corps de ballet. he can stir
us to tears with the pace
of his moves and his grace,
or can spur us to joy, i aver.
"
"whenever he went on a date,
whatever nate bought was cut-rate.
using coupons and passes,
to rinks he took lasses,
who labelled him ""nate, the cheap skate.""
"
"when you first meet my daughter, you'll be
most delighted with what you will see.
she's a natural beauty;
call her cutesy pie, cutie.
she'll love it?today she turns three.
"
"my creator saw fit to adorn
me with what? a cutaneous horn
on the side of my nose,
where it grows and it grows,
so i'm cursing the day i was born!
"
"in the coast guard, he served on a cutter,
and complained that its engine would sputter.
""she's a small ship, but armed.
i'm alarmed; we'd be harmed
should an accident happen,"" he'd mutter.
"
"""i will daylight my room,"" declared fred,?
""with a skylight built over my bed.""?
""that will cost quite a lot.?
it is cash you've not got,?
and you'll still need a nightlight,"" dad said.
?
when he saw that his dad was dismayed,
fred replied, ""you need not be afraid.
the motel needs a clerk.
every evening i'll work?
dad, i'll moonlight until the debt's paid!""
"
"though his blade's edge was covered in rust,
he was challenged, and felt that he must,
at the risk of his life, fight
his foe in a knife fight,
accepting the man's cut-and-thrust.
"
"the print seems so tiny?minuscular?
now that twilight is here (it's crepuscular).
i must light all my tapers;
i wish evening papers
were printed in letters majuscular!
"
"this old mustang won't go very far
here in senegal?that's where we are?
but we'll not make a fuss;
we can just hop a bus
if you must take a ride in dakar.
"
"after hours, bruce kicks back and cuts loose.
work is stressful?that's bruce's excuse.
""he's abusing the juice,""
claims his wife, who's obtuse.
father zeus! can't we call for a truce?
"
"as we struggled, his fist hit my wrist?
might have broken my nose, but he missed.
i'm delighted to fight
if i must, but we might
cease our combat?in peace coexist.
"
"a cowboy who lived near el paso
performed very well with his lasso,
but when home from the range,
his pet hobby was strange?
he played bach on an old contrabasso.
"
"certain symptoms of gout i detect,
so a remedy now i'll confect?
not a confect (a candy)?
but herbs steeped in brandy.
you'll improve, and a fee i'll collect!
"
"a contingency fund at our store
will just cover our rent?little more.
that is all that there is,
should our cash flow go fizz;
nowadays our expenses just soar!
"
"for our monarch, we use the word crown,
as an adjective, also a noun.
and the king's coronet
is a crown?better yet?
it's the top of his head (looking down).
"
"it's a hairdo that's named for a place.
call it croydon or council house face-
lift, or essex, resulting
in classist insulting?
a stigma we ought to erase.
"
"my grandma, who once was a dancer,
was disabled by terminal cancer.
now her tumor's removed
by a drug?unapproved?
its compassionate use was the answer.
"
"a coagulase helps blood to clot,
and is useful if someday you're shot.
if perchance you are bleeding,
i know you'll be needing
this substance and like it a lot.
"
"the dagame, or lemonwood tree,
yields a lumber reputed to be
both elastic and tough,
so i've ordered enough
for a deck on my house in capri.
"
"when he hears someone utter ""commune,""
this old communard's ready to swoon.
loving communal living,
his life goal is giving
advice that this concept's a boon.
"
"he belongs to a cultus. it's odd
that they don't seem to honor a god,
and their ritual's a wish
for a spotted gray fish.
could it be that they worship a cod?
"
"he claimed to have bought a dalmatian ?
a serf from an old balkan nation?
no, he hadn't the knavery
for practising slavery ?
it's a dog he acquired on vacation.
"
"the daiquiri's made out of rum
and the juices of fruits. every bum
at the poolside or beach
keeps one near, within reach.
i succumb every summer. yum, yum!
"
"""one who runs in fast bursts?that's a darter,""
whined bart with the tone of a martyr,
""or a small fishing bird.
damn! i know there's a third!
yes, a fish!"" then he smiled, feeling smarter.
"
"you'll discover, when murray arrives,
he's allergic to equines and chives.
though you've hired him, of course,
just to curry your horse,
you'll be dealing with currier and hives.
"
"darling pea? guess that name is a blunder.
how the plant got that title i wonder.
in australia, you see,
it's a poisonous pea,
killing livestock of ranchers down under.
"
"you like seafood and eat a great deal?
are crustaceans a part of each meal?
are you smooth? are you gray?
do you swim every day?
then you must be a crab-eating seal.
"
"post-transplant, you'll make a selection
of drugs that will offer protection.
you'll function your best
when immunosuppressed?
daclizumab counters rejection.
"
"guessing masha the masher would watch a
summer weekend at molotov's dacha,
while stalin was swimmin'
with six sexy women,
the nkvd called out: ""gotcha!""
"
"dagwood bumstead developed the habit
of growing fresh carrots. a rabbit
invaded.  dag faced it,
then raced as he chased it.
""just grab it!"" yelled blondie, ""dagnab it!""
"
"my girlfriend adopted a starling.
she says it's a sweetheart, a darling,
but when i'm near the cage,
there's an avian rage.
ever heard of a bird that was snarling?
"
"as i plan to raise livestock, i am
checking prices for sheep. there's a ram
i will buy, but i do
need a good, fertile ewe,
and the dealer just won't give a dam.
"
"flash was brash, and he loved to talk trash:
""man, i'll thrash you and smash you to hash!""
but he shouted in vain
at the guys in each lane
as he lost in the fifty-yard dash.
"
"the daffodils wordsworth espied
lived till summer,  then  all of them died,
but the ones in his head,
till the old man was dead,
went on dancing, like phantoms, inside.
"
"there's a gallery here in nevada
that sells paintings real cheap: ""art for nada.""
there's a bargain in arp.
these directions? not sharp ?
no address, in distress, lacking dada.
"
"jacques had journeyed in search of the dauphin
with a magic elixir that often
cured those colds that congest
with a cough in the chest,
but the prince had been laid in his coffin.
"
"crustiness? valued in bread,
and when pies are baked right, so it's said.
as your sandwich, i trust,
has a crisp, crackling crust,
i'll insist you don't eat it in bed.
"
"""must we tamper with nature?"" ray's ravings
oppose our society's cravings
for increased evening light.
he contends it's not right
that our summer time's now daylight-savings.
"
"the new chef seems bizarre as can be,
wears a coolie hat, as you can see.
he's not really unruly?
speaks calmly and coolly?
and he sure can pur?e a coulis.
"
"grandma smacked me for using a cussword.
""it's a language-too-vile-to-discuss word,""
she declared. ""it's profane.
don't you say it again!""
(it's a how-to-make-grandmother-fuss word.)
"
"""all these scars on my face, i am sure,"" les
declared, ""to the girls are allureless.
had the pox on my chin
in berlin. with chagrin,
i found out the infection was cureless.""
"
"the charge against tim's rather grim.
in the dairy, he filled to the brim?
with our milk?a large trough,
then he slyly creamed off
all the top. secret skimmer?that's him!
"
"""i avoid any over-reliance,
as to me it is just an appliance,
while to you it's a buddy
and subject of study?
computers, for you, are a science.""
"
"this year's bathing suit craze will amaze ya.
sexy dames in bikinis will daze ya?
all except weighty katy,
whose hips measure eighty,
like the hippos in disney's fantasia.
"
"i teach words to my pals and extol 'em,
then to use the new words i cajole 'em.
here's a word for your neck.
say it right (i will check):
it is kahl-luhm, my friends, and not kohl-luhm.
"
"it's a place where they kept the insane,
be their illness arcane or mundane.
until trained to abstain
from champagne or cocaine,
or their madness reversed, they'd remain.
"
"when two features co-vary together,
like two dray horses joined by a tether,
students need not expect
they are cause and effect
(like the pains in my neck?and wet weather).
"
"on a tour that jack's workmen conduct
of the building jack tried to construct,
they discourse on the construct
that guided his conduct;
the idea and construction both sucked.
"
"stuck her hand in her pocket, and then
cried the nurse, ""seems it happened again.
the thermometer's here
in my pocket?oh dear?
just where did i, in haste, leave my pen?""
"
"morning papers make many folks boil
as they follow the price of crude oil,
and suspect opec's leaders?
those slick bottom-feeders?
do not play according to hoyle.
"
"first he stared at the snow on her shoulder.
""is it dandruff?""  he asked, growing bolder.
she replied with a sneer,
""i've been  sledding, my dear.""
her cold shoulder became even colder.
"
"it may seem like the lunatic fringe,
but the cockshead is also a hinge
you can use on a door.
it is named for its four
heads of roosters?the thought makes me cringe.
"
"when we studied the depth of the strata
of rocks all around the equator,
all our numbers were sorted,
amassed, and reported?
a clearing-house handled our data.
"
"at the curbside, the derelict lay
on the sidewalk. he'd guzzled all day.
he was pickled, and drunk
as a lord (or a skunk)
when police came to haul him away.
"
"this honor we wish to confer
on his lordship, so please don't deter
this display of bestowing?
a conferral that's showing
on his greatness we peons concur.
"
"any interest in trying a date bar?
my friend nate will attest it's a great bar.
you might say it's a fruit bar,
an odd-by-repute  bar,
but it is, i assure you, a straight bar.
"
"the cupbearer serves wine or juice
to his king, or a god (maybe zeus),
who may choose a young boy
for the job, as a ploy?
an excuse to enjoy, to seduce.
"
"here i sing of our joint connubiality,
a union of choice and legality.
it's alive with vitality,
and enkindles morality,
but it's seldom imbued with neutrality.
"
"the dame at the preschool was hot.
""i need day care,"" said ray, ""for my tot.
for myself, i need night care.
i'm sure you've the right care;
i'll purchase whatever you've got!""
"
"meeting pete was a treat?i enjoyed
all his energy. now that's destroyed.
though at first it was charming,
his bluster's alarming.
his dashism's got me annoyed.
"
"the dagda, chief god of the celts,
had great strength in his pecs and his delts.
he was warlike?would fight?
but he treated celts right,
never asked them to tighten their belts.
"
"last month i was sporting with babs.
now i've gotten reports from two labs.
this enchanting euterpe's
just given me herpes?
oh, yes, and a case of the crabs.
"
"that unstable old grandpa of maisie's
lost his cool and developed the crazies?
while reading his livy,
he got locked in the privy.
now he's lazily pushing up daisies.
"
"""a dactyl's a phrase or a word
that is stressed, when it's spoken and heard,
(this instruction is billable)
on its first-coming syllable,
not its second, and never its third.""
"
"have you ever met up with a dabb?
in the wild? in the zoo? in the lab?
ask the bedouins?they
eat dabb tails, by the way?
and they'll claim this large lizard is fab.
"
"when she's tossing and can't fall asleep,
ms. bo peep doesn't count lambs aleap,
but instead she counts daglocks,
those matted wool taglocks
that form in the coats of her sheep.
"
"stan ran poorly at first. in a later race
he improved and could run at a greater pace.
as coach of the track team
i'm training a crack team,
recording their times in my database.
"
"i get, daily, more bills i must pay.
how i wish they would all go away!
i feel ready to shout,
as, day in and day out,
they keep hounding me, day after day.
"
"marsupials truly are awesome.
their offspring? in pockets they blossom.
the shore-dwelling kind
eats crustaceans, i find,
and is known as the crab-eating 'possum.
"
"'cross the desert it echoed and rang;
as the scientists watched, they yelled, ""dang!
it's so bright and so loud!""
they were awestruck and proud
of the a-test?that mighty big bang.
"
"just consider this surgical case:
there's a tumor that's thin at its base.
a craseur's what you need
to remove it with speed?
and the blood won't spurt up in your face.
"
"daguerreotypes once were the rage
in a long-ago, faraway age.
portraits formed on a plate
pleased the rich and the great,
and the actors who starred on the stage.
"
"dr. pavlov first let his dogs smell
yummy food till saliva ran well,
then a stimulus he
paired with food, and then (see?)
soon the drooling would follow the bell.
"
"a pirate who's good with a backsword
raises hell with his one-sided hack sword.
then he makes the battalions
aboard spanish galleons
forswear every knife and attack sword.
"
"at the lumberman's wedding, we dined;
i had nothing bad-mannered in mind.
i admired his bride,
and the bridegroom replied
very cuttingly?my, how unkind!
"
"the wine in my vat? a cuv?e,
and you won't find this kind every day.
it's my own special blend,
and because you're my friend,
i will serve you a glass right away.
"
"when she'd run out of food and of fuel,
his assistance enabled renewal.
now her needlework gift
gives the donor a lift?
the return for his kindness is crewel.
"
"in a far northern valley or dale,
in the winter it's cold without fail.
we are traveling salesmen
who sell to the dalesmen
warm parkas and scarves by the bale.
"
"see that comsat, way up in the sky?
like a comet, it seems to go by.
though my lover has flown,
i can reach him by phone?
thanks to comsat, i cry to my guy.
"
"""what's a congress boot, mom? i've no doubt
it means kicking a senator out?
through impeachment, i'd guess,""
stated tess, in distress.
""ours is crooked. let's boot out the lout!""
"
"here's a tip that you may find of use:
whether urine is sparse or profuse,
to assist the rejection
of bladder infection,
drink oodles of cranberry juice.
"
"if i clobber a slav or a russian,
slug a frenchman, or batter a prussian,
i'll not only cause pain,
but may injure the brain?
a commotio?that's a concussion.
"
"when my knee was both aching and pulsant,
i requested a gentle demulcent.
what you sent was repulsive?
the drug was convulsive;
it caused me to seize?a convulsant!
"
"a conspiracy? what does that mean?
some confederates meet and are keen
to accomplish some hidden
objective?no kiddin'?
like ousting a king or a queen.
"
"your proposal's unusual, pat,
and i won't answer, ""no, and that's that!""
if you really do want
me to marry your aunt,
let's sit down for a confab (a chat).
"
"""i'm afraid that the current analysis
shows that soon you'll be needing dialysis.
we'll provide a soft chair
for the hours that you're there
so your keister won't suffer from calluses.""
"
"we observed the new surgeon, were rapt
as the wound wouldn't close. he was trapped.
when the sutures all snapped,
the guy's future seemed sapped,
but with staples, he made it coapt.
"
"once you've written our pamphlet, please keep
all the printing costs low. up they'll creep
with a high-priced designer.
the cost will be minor
with clip art; it's simple and cheap!
"
"""if your gastrointestinal tract
tends to cramp, causing pain, and impact,
take these daturine pills.
they'll relieve all your ills,
and diminish your farting, in fact.""
"
"no, it wasn't a case of arthritis.
he had missed the last dart-throw?to spite us?
the doctor would find
it was all in his mind,
like the yips of a golfer?dartitis.
"
"if the sandfly that gave you that bite
was infected, my friend, then you might
have a date boil arise.
'twould be wise to disguise
such a lesion?unsightly, all right!
"
"the crawfish, a freshwater beast
(call his poppa a crawdad, at least),
for its size may be vicious,
but man, it's delicious.
on bushels of crayfish we feast.
"
"lovely day lilies, colorful, bright,
open only by day?am i right?
you maintain they are not
really lilies, and what?
you say some of them open at night?
"
"our next definition of cr?pe
is ""a pancake that's rounded in shape.""
as an entree it's thrilling
with seafood for filling;
as dessert? with a sauce?maybe grape.
"
"""now it's fall, days grow short, and i can't
get my flowers to bloom,"" said my aunt.
""in the long summer days
i get lovely arrays.""
what she needs is a day-neutral plant.
"
"it's not useful for making guitars,
or for cars, or for jars, or for spars.
do not shriek, my dear reader?
i speak of the cedar
that's used for a box of cigars.
"
"""what's a davit?"" the questioner wrote,
and the answer man said (this i quote):
""it's a crane that you'd use,
all alone or in twos,
good for lifting things onto a boat.""
"
"the dauphiness often was seen
with the soothsayer.  what did this mean?
she was eager to know
that her future would show
she'd succeed. she was keen to be queen!
"
"it's dependency, nate, that i hate.
among nations, we don't really rate.
seems our future and fate
aren't ours to create?
we're no more than a quaint client state.
"
"though this ailment starts out as benignant,
just to have it would make me indignant.
there's hypertrichosis,
in gums a fibrosis?
and later it may turn malignant.
"
"""far apart as the north and south pole,
they will fight for the right to control;
and the world will soon juggle,""
wrote marx, ""a class struggle?
bourgeois waging war against prole.""
"
"the solar antenna (or solant)
was discussed by the u.s. nalcolant:
""an antenna for light?
that invention just might
aid our flights, as they're quite circumvolant.""
"
"my face is so wrinkled, i tussle
with creams cosmetologists hustle.
i discovered, at length,
that i've just too much strength
in each facial cutaneous muscle.
"
"to day-trade, you have to trade fast?
no investment's expected to last.
quickly buy, quickly sell,
but it's gambling as well,
and for some has a nightmarish cast.
"
"though her cooking and baking delight,
i find living with faye is a fright.
first the kitchen she'll lock,
then she'll cook 'round the clock.
there her stay's night-and-day, day-and-night.
"
"in the past, if you called someone dareful,
you meant ""daring,"" not ""timid,"" or ""prayerful.""
you meant ""dauntless"" and ""bold""?
not with feet that were cold?
and you certainly didn't mean ""careful.""
"
"""eating sweets? you'll proceed to perdition!""
this message was grandmother's mission,
but isn't it strange
how new knowledge brings change?
now dark chocolate is praised as nutrition.
"
"wounds of war have a wide distribution,
and we seek to achieve diminution
of the rate of infection.
world war i? the selection
would have been what's called dakin's solution.
"
"my boyfriend was lazy and feckless.
when i asked him to buy me a necklace,
like a cat burglar, he
stole some diamonds for me.
what a dare-devil?totally reckless.
"
"the pain isn't easy to bear,
and i'd like to cry out but don't dare.
these damned hemorrhoids?ouch!
what i need is a couch,
and they give me a cushionless chair.
"
"this marsupial beast?is it classy, or
as a native cat, feral and sassy, or
is it easily tamed?
it's not properly named!
not a cat, this wild creature's a dasyure.
"
"a handsome young man from slovenia
ate eggs from a tapeworm called taenia.
cysticerci were found?
larval cysts, small and round?
in his brain, and they caused leukopenia.
"
"as orchestral conductor, he tried
for perfection. he often would chide
when the horns came in late.
they would make him irate.
""all together, in concert!"" he cried.
"
"with the help of my neighbor's firm ducture,
i studied and learned  crystal structure.
his chemistry teaching
was deep and far-reaching,
and now i rejoice in its fructure.
"
"first a baler?he called that his ""hay job""?
then a waiter?another low-pay job?
while he struggled to star
playing lead rock guitar,
he would have to hang onto his day job.
"
"a tumor that's shaped like a cyst
(a cystoma) is easily missed.
if you find one, that's fine,
as they're often benign.
if my doctor missed mine, i'd be pissed.
"
"crymotherapy? sounds like this act is
a criminal type of malpractice,
but it may be the answer
to your dermal pre-cancer,
as freezing it off, it, in fact, is.
"
"adina is fickle and vain;
nemorino is lovesick, in pain,
till a phony elixir
becomes a true fixer?
and amor wins all, once again.
"
"homer's iliad? folks still enjoy
meeting hector, a hero of troy,
and we still get the willies
when he's killed by achilles,
an achaean who's come to destroy.
"
"a phd student named herschel
knew his theses were all controversial,
so disputed that he
was denied his degree?
his unquestioned success was commercial.
"
"she was shy, with a modest reservedness,
but was famous for feminine curvedness.
though not ostentatious,
the gal was curvaceous
enough to produce male unnervedness.
"
"the cluster bean, also called guar,
is a plant that arrived from afar.
it is useful for forage.
as guar gum, its storage
is easy, in bottle or jar.
"
"she's acclimatable, thus can adjust
to conditions, as new soldiers must,
but she had to confide,
when i took her aside,
there are few in her group she can trust.
"
"achoerodus? genus of wrasses
that appeal to photography classes,
who adore shooting views
of their beautiful hues
in aquarium tanks, as each passes.
"
"it burned down?that immense crystal palace.
was it arson, with criminal malice?
did a girl start the blaze
in a crazed jealous daze,
based on envy (see freud) of the phallus?
"
"she's now daggle-tailed, frowsy, a slattern;
thus her income has dropped?it's a pattern.
she already depends
on the help of her friends.
well, how much can a whore who's so fat earn?
"
"""this fragrant west indian plant
called day jessamine's sweet!"" cried my aunt.
""if you sniff its white flowers,
try just daylight hours.
can you smell it at night? no, you can't!""
"
"cartoonists have marvelous jobs.
if successful, they mix with the nobs.
all they need is a flair
and a frolicsome pair
of rapscallions, like calvin and hobbes.
"
"my guy gus had a fight (what a fuss)
but his foe had a blackjack, and thus,
though the other guy bled,
gus was hit on the head
when the weapon was used to concuss.
"
"""at the halloween bash,"" jodie wrote,
""moe resembled a randy old goat,
and he had us in stitches
with his tight-fitting britches
and old-fashioned cutaway coat!""
"
"the movie star ursula andress
arrives at our house in a banned dress?
guess the neckline's too low?
so my mom makes her go.
in our castle, my mother's commandress.
"
"the curatrix (feminine healer)
took up drugs and emerged as a dealer.
now she still makes folks well,
though she works from a cell,
and convicted, she's now an appealer.
"
"""cunningness, slyness, duplicity?
these are traits i despise!"" cries felicity.
""i've found falsehood uncouth
since the days of my youth.
i prize honesty, truth, authenticity.""
"
"in a path gently curvate, or curved,
our plane flew; then we suddenly swerved
and turned sharp to the right.
for the rest of the flight,
all the passengers cowered, unnerved.
"
"in scotland, a dander's a stroll,
just a saunter without any goal,
and i'm certain that it
can refer to a fit
with a shiver beyond one's control.
"
"i stopped to admire the new station,
with its sawtooth designed decoration.
as a building, i find,
it is one of a kind,
and i really don't mind cuspidation.
"
"when a fighter plane's ready to shoot
at another, it follows a route
that the pilot has guessed
will allow shooting best?
and we call it the curve of pursuit.
"
"i met katherine and, right off the bat,
she made numerous inquiries that
were quite personal, so
i said, ""kat, don't you know
nosy curiousness once killed a cat.""
"
"on your trip, you're unlikely to see a
more historical spot?the crimea?
where the light brigade charged.
as your viewpoint's enlarged,
you'll have many a novel idea.
"
"in the broadcasting business, they say,
the executives daypart the day.
yes, they break it in bits
to determine the blitz
of promotions and hits they will play.
"
"a daymare's a fantasy trip,
like a nightmare by day. here's a tip:
shun these horrible dreams,
as they generate screams?
and beware, lest your mind they unzip.
"
"he was caught out of doors when he froze.
he was cold from his teeth to his toes.
an aquabob grew,
a huge icicle, blue,
from the snotflakes that fell from his nose.
"
"when you're nearing the harbor, you might
find a daybeacon's functional?quite!
though in daytime you see it,
ships' captains agree it,
unlighted, is useless at night.
"
"the cush-cush is one kind of yam.
you can cook it with ham or with lamb,
although eating a yampee
may just make you crampy?
i had some for lunch, and i am!
"
"what are cusks? they are fish of two kinds:
one's marine, and the other one finds
it's unhappy in foam?
in fresh waters, it's home.
as for sharing the name, neither minds.
"
"we have twins, and they haven't a playroom
full of toys, hung with posters?a gay room.
since the bedrooms we're keeping
reserved just for sleeping,
the kitchen must serve as their dayroom.
"
"the new runner is expert at hurdling,
and at track meets the world he is girdling,
but he's scary to see?
like an ogre?and he
has a look that can set my blood curdling.
"
"sparking eyes, teeth that gleamed with a pearliness,
golden hair that was known for its curliness?
mrs. temple's young girl
set the world in a whirl,
and to us was the essence of shirleyness.
"
"what's a d-ring? when lately i mended
my work-clothes, the outcome was splendid;
i worked out a glitch
with this gizmo, from which
my overalls' straps were suspended.
"
"i met an egyptian who's great,
and proposed that we go on a date,
but i fear being dropped
by this blue-blooded copt,
to whose bloodline i cannot relate.
"
"they divorced, with a custody battle
so intense it would make your teeth rattle,
where they seemed to make bids?
set a price for their kids?
like an auction for horses or cattle.
"
"on the nile, you are likely to see a
graceful sailboat. i'm sure you'll agree a
lovely picture 'twill make,
if a snapshot you take
of the boat that folks call dahabeeyah.
"
"says doc kaiser, my dental adviser,
""all your cuspids and every incisor,
both above and beneath,
are what's called cutting teeth.""
now while biting my rye bread, i'm wiser.
"
"the job, as director, is landable,
making quality goods that are brandable,
but the factory's workers
are wastrels and shirkers?
i doubt that these louts are commandable.
"
"you crooks are demanding big bucks
for construction. consider the crux
of your argument: all
of your pals at town hall.
my response to your project? it sucks!
"
"her mood may be light as a fairy-maid,
or she may be distrustful?a wary maid.
could her temper be shifting
because heavy lifting
exhausts this poor daymaid (a dairymaid)?
"
"i'm sure i shall never forget
that shoshonean showgirl, suzette,
whose bright eyes both repose
very close to her nose;
that, most everyone knows, means ""close-set.""
"
"for my boiler i've purchased a clack valve,
but it seems like a likely-to-crack valve.
i judge that this flap valve
is a real piece-of-crap valve,
so it now is a take-the-thing-back valve.
"
"i'm distraught, and i clamor and rant:
""you won't flatten her, man; no you shan't.
though you're big and you're strong,
you just can't come along,
plant your boot on ma tante?she's my ant!""
"
"cursorius: genus of ""wader""
(the use of this word's at its nadir)
that lives where it's dry.
it runs fast, doesn't fly,
chasing insects?a locust crusader.
"
"the word curate? a guy with a mission
to save souls, and improve their condition,
for a whole congregation;
as a verb, the formation
of a show?of an art exhibition.
"
"young astyanax, scion of hector,
in the war, loses dad (his protector).
then he's killed by the greeks
to andromache's shrieks,
when she pleads and the soldiers reject 'er.
"
"""customs duty? it's really a tax
on the stuff you bring back,"" explained max.
""when you're asked to declare,
just say 'no' (and a prayer);
don't look guilty, and try to relax!""
"
"fanny lectures?but isn't pedantic?
on the birds of the northern atlantic:
""the black guillemot dives
(both the husbands and wives)
in a style more romantic than frantic.""
"
"lots of confidence must be inherent
in the choice of custodial parent.
we are placing our trust
in one parent, so just
be aware if behavior's aberrant.
"
"the comparison leaves me ecstatic:
first ""of catalase""?that's catalatic.
catalytic, the second,
less specific, i've reckoned,
any catalyst fits?how dramatic!
"
"here's a plant you will find where it's sandy;
to prevent dune erosion it's handy.
it can live in a marsh,
where it's saline and harsh?
to beach goldenrod, salt is just dandy.
"
"an eager young student named custis
sought to emulate caesar augustus.
""on my savings i'll draw;
i will study the law,
and my specialty? criminal justice.""
"
"there's a jai alai fronton down in dania,
but they don't yet exist in albania.
i sell cestas; you may,
if you buy some today,
start a fad in tirana?a mania!
"
"it's a pleasure to write a poetic
account of those paramagnetic
materials, raw,
that obey curie's law,
whether naturally formed, or synthetic.
"
"since i haven't a head for mammalogy,
and love bread, i signed up for crustalogy.
a crustalogist, i
will bake all kinds of pie.
(hey, i reasoned this out by analogy.)
"
"she has scrofuloderma? then she
is infected with germs, you'll agree,
that will cause tuberculosis.
her skin's diagnosis?
the cutaneous form of tb.
"
"my great-grandpa's so old he's not datable,
as his birth-year's not known, age unratable.
but my great-grandma claims:
with an eye for the dames,
he is datable, randy, and matable.
"
"the cubitus goes from man's hand
to his elbow; a cubit is spanned.
man, for ages, would treasure
this measure with pleasure.
i ask, ""ain't anatomy grand?""
"
"when the normans ruled england, the king
had a council?a tight little ring
called the curia regis,
who, under his aegis,
their priviest counsel would bring.
"
"as a suitor, reed often succeeds.
he's got flair that a romeo needs.
as a lover he rates?
he arrives for his dates
in a curricle, pulled by two steeds.
"
"""i feel sure (though it's just intuition)
our crash landing won't finish our mission,""
i declared. ""we'll be safe?
every terrified waif?
as our pilot is quite a magician.""
"
"i dream, in my fevered deliria,
of fun cities in ancient assyria.
on the tigris was calah,
where many a gala
was held?so it meets my criteria.
"
"our budget talks move inch by inch,
and to reach an agreement's no cinch;
but in spite of our stringency,
there's a contingency
sum we can spend in a pinch.
"
"in the old days, we heated with coal.
down the chute all the coal lumps would roll
from the coalman's black truck.
they would sometimes get stuck
and we'd hoot as he poked down the hole.
"
"the conditioned response! there it was!
the saliva ran down from the muz-
zles of dogs with no food
to be smelled or be chewed,
at the bell (or he might use a buzz).
"
"what's a cracknel? it's something to eat?
a hard cracker?not really a treat
with your tea or your coffee?
but it's also crushed toffee,
stuffed into a chocolate.  how sweet!
"
"the cruel plant grabs with its flower
the moth?holds it fast in its power,
but it doesn't consume
moths or lead to their doom.
they go free at the dawn's early hour.
"
"they've dressed leather, these folk, all their lives,
and a family tradition survives.
in one bigamist's house is
the help of two spouses?
three cheers for that currier and wives.
"
"your curry sauce, dear, is a dream,
and perfection itself, it would seem.
lots of praise? you deserve it!
but, dear, must you serve it
poured over a dish of ice cream?
"
"all dimples, she beckoned him cutely.
he studied the lady minutely,
and noticed the guile
hidden under her smile,
so he turned and departed astutely.
"
"""i'll explain the cutaneous vein.
it's a vessel for blood that will drain
from your skin. blood will flow
into deep veins below,""
said elaine. ""do i make myself plain?""
"
"while a star whose performance has whamminess
won't often descend into hamminess,
a really bad actor
adds a tackiness factor?
playing heroes with nightmarish clamminess.
"
"our pastor spoke sweetly and balmily,
but he scared us a lot, as his homily
said one fetus inside
its joined twin might abide?
cryptodidymus?frightful anomaly!
"
"asked a student of fish, kirk k. birch,
seeking species for further research,
""are there any at hand
that can climb up on land?""
""try the labyrinth fish?climbing perch.""
"
"while she stood by the car and smiled bravely,
the policeman examined it gravely.
she had to admit it;
her truck had just hit it
and left an impression?concavely.
"
"last semester's events made me bitter. it
seems my grandson's a fool and a quitter. it
was his failure, perforce,
in a programming course,
as this kid is computer-illiterate.
"
"the town's voted?our trash we'll compress,
but the project's engendering stress.
though one clique feels attraction
to the act of compaction,
there's a faction predicting a mess.
"
"the ladies arrived in a gaggle.
""we expected to hike, not to daggle,""
they complained. ""in the marsh
the conditions were harsh,
and our guide's fee's so high that we'll haggle.""
"
"craniologists aren't geometers,
and they've no use for oral thermometers,
but the shape of the head
they define, as i've said,
and to measure it, use craniometers.
"
"his instructions could not have been terser:
""on your screen, use the little white cursor.""
then he started to swear;
what a curser! beware,
as the guy is becoming  perverser.
"
"said the diner, ""they say nothing's finer
than of viands to be the consignor,
yet i'm happy to be
what is called consignee?
and the difference, i fear, isn't minor.""
"
"""i can shop till i drop,"" says ms. blount,
""as i'm using my credit account.
in my favorite store,
i say: 'charge it!' what's more,
i can buy an enormous amount.""
"
"if your bladder's stopped up?an occlusion?
you may panic in fear and confusion.
for relief of your pain,
let a cystotome drain
out the urine?allow its extrusion.
"
"no ifs, and no maybes or buts,
czerny helped fellow-surgeons heal cuts.
his marvelous suture
helped surgery's future?
it neatly repaired severed guts.
"
"my boyfriend was curiously dressed
in a suit (apple-green, like his vest),
and his bright purple shirt
was so loud that it hurt?
i've no words to describe all the rest!
"
"every night, after dinner, he delves
into books on his library's shelves.
there are tomes on formosa,
and such curiosa?
their titles will speak for themselves.
"
"cut across the large field that has signs
that say ""caution ? infested with mines""?
our mayor, a ranger,
sees much greater danger
in cutting across party lines.
"
"what's curtained is surely concealed.
it is hidden behind a safe shield.
to reverse this, it's certain,
one throws back the curtain.
then all (as they say) is revealed.
"
"i asked a tough question of kurt.
i was shy and demure?not a flirt.
he responded quite curtly?
though clearly expertly?
his reply so abrupt that it hurt.
?
so i said, ""kurt, your  curtness was quite
inappropriate, rude, impolite!""
""well, for better or worse,""
he replied, ""i am terse.""
and he turned on his heel and took flight.
"
"the day-coal is found near the top,
at the surface, where miners who cop
some don't have to dig deeply.
it's mined rather cheaply.
(they'll mine with a pick, not a mop.)
"
"all dasyurids are not like the quoll
(they're the dasyures), cat-like and small.
one in which we can revel?
the tasmanian devil?
is fiercest and largest of all!
"
"the maestro complains, ""you've grown grosso,
like corelli's concertos. i know so!""
since i've put on some fat,
seems my playing is flat.
is he telling the truth? well, i s'pose so.
"
"all they'd offer me down at the bank
was a day loan?not much, to be frank?
and the junk bonds i bought,
it turned out, were worth naught!
i have just my bad judgment to thank.
"
"you look cylindroid, man; i can't see
any bumps in your leg?just the knee,
and you once were so buff!
are you eating enough?
food and exercise, pal, that's the key.
"
"i replied, ""this dessert is a dream,
made of nuts and meringue, with fresh cream.""
""we've a case of the blahs,
so just feed us dacquoise.
if you don't cut the lecture, we'll scream!""
"
"this bird looks a lot like a plover.
it lives mostly on crabs, and moreover,
it is often in motion
round the indian ocean?
this crab-eater's also a rover.
"
"at its tip, each appendage is paw-like,
but the paws also grasp?rather jaw-like?
and each nail, at its end,
in a curl tends to bend,
so the final impression is claw-like.
"
"contraception? that keeps me nulliparous.
without it, i'd sure be multiparous,
but i'm sad beyond words
and i envy the birds.
i would rather, like them, be oviparous!
"
"while shopping at macy's emporium,
laurie fell and she injured her corium.
though her skin was infected,
we never suspected
it would end at the town crematorium.
"
"he fought dauntlessly?valiant and brave,
great achilles, a role model, gave
to the greeks (my assumption)
a lesson in gumption:
how champions ought to behave.
"
"fancy feldspar, my friend? then you may
find that cleavelandite blows you away.
it's a shiny white stone
that you might like to own?
in your garden, a special display.
"
"you smile, and you call me your dove,
but place money and gifts far above
any selfless affection.
on further reflection,
i suspect?and reject?cupboard love.
"
"here is pete's conchological thesis;
when we read it, our joy never ceases.
each page of it tells
us of mollusks' strange shells,
and our wonder at nature increases.
"
"i fear my statistics are skewed,
as the birth rate lew gave me was crude.
is it, then, not correct?
i would like to object
but i'd hate to appear to be rude!
"
"the crude death rate i'll also include,
which, compared with the growth of our brood,
gives a good indication
of changed population.
(yet i'm shrewd and conclude lew is stewed.)
"
"this heart disease course gives instruction
on aberrant ventricular conduction.
though its scope is extensive,
it's awfully expensive,
subjecting my cash to effluxion.
"
"i know you're a champ playing scrabble,
while i, playing seldom, just dabble,
so if playing for dough
is your aim, i'll say no.
find your dupe somewhere else in the rabble.
"
"swifts employ this in building a nest.
with its soup, the chinese are obsessed.
it's called cubilose, and
if you have some on hand,
you'll be able to cook with the best.
"
"people call it the cabbage root fly,
as its larvae are hungry and sly,
and on cabbages dine?
find the roots taste just fine?
they eat mine, so my cabbages die.
"
"a cub saunters into a pub.
he orders a beer and some grub.
when refused, in a rage
says, ""i'm not underage!
i play baseball?chicago's my club.""
"
"when the weather is chilly and brisk, it
is time for a buttermilk biscuit.
mine are flaky and tasty,
not sticky or pasty,
so try one?don't worry?just risk it!
"
"at harrod's, i heard a gal say,
""i just saw a new shade?davy's gray,
and i wonder why you
want to wear navy blue,
when this hue has a trendy cachet.""
"
"""when i gaze at her face, i don't know
what it is that amazes me so.""
""bet my chips it's her lips
that are red at the tips?
top one dips in a sweet cupid's bow.""
"
"the urology expert in dallas is
submitting his final analysis.
cystoplegia  is what
the doc says that i've got?
of my bladder, a total paralysis!
"
"the cushionless seat on this train
has produced, in my backside, a pain.
i prefer my seats cushioned,
lest my sensitive tush-end
raise cain on a seat that is plain.
"
"my grandfather morty imports,
for a living, fine goods of all sorts.
at the custom house, he
had a quarrel, and we
fear it's bound to end up in the courts.
"
"cuscuta, a parasite, grows
on its neighbors, and strangulates those
it invades, and what's odder?
this weed that's called dodder
sucks food from its hosts, as it goes.
"
"it means ""catchingness"". contagiosity,
as a word, seems an awful monstrosity.
but consider contagiousness,
with much less outrageousness;
i'll use it without animosity.
"
"have you seen one? the small crested swift
will, for sure, give your spirits a lift.
its remarkable crest
is the feature that's best?
mother nature's most beautiful gift.
"
"seeking mole rats, i'm looking for traces.
cryptozoic, they live in those places
where, secluded, they're biding,
so fully in hiding,
we can't get a look at their faces.
"
"dr. harry? he earns honoraria
for lectures. on what? on malaria.
cryptozoites?the issue's
they hide in your tissues.
to thwart them: his specialty area.
"
"""you are lovely from caput to foot,
great mother and sky-goddess, mut!
can you help me with magic?""
""i can't, son, it's tragic.
my powers these days are kaput.""
"
"my grandma reads dashiell hammett
and plays of the great david mamet.
when the language is lewd,
she remarks, ""my, how crude!
are the censors all sleeping? god dammit!""
"
"many orchids, camellias, and roses?
those delights to our eyes and our noses?
are cultivars too.
try to sell them and you
may be hauled into court, one supposes.
"
"she sang curiously flat, and we know so;
her grade c reputation? it grows so!
though she cannot keep time,
she believes she's a prime
curioso?that means ""virtuoso.""
"
"""you don't have to give yourself airs,
as if nobody else really cares
what our paper presents
about current events;
i say prayers about current affairs.""
"
"after leaving the pet shop, ted spied
a large grocery?squashes inside.
""for my sister-in-law,
i would like a cushaw!""
""gesundheit!"" the greengrocer cried.
"
"the cuckoobud shakespeare had called
this bright flower. were patrons appalled?
did buttercup lovers
turn stone-throwers, shovers?
or were they, perchance, quite enthralled?
"
"a pirate who's good with his fist'll
punch foes (even those with a pistol),
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to apply for shore duty in bristol.
"
"said mom's lawyer, ""a custody case
isn't something i gladly embrace.
allegations are made
of abuse, i'm afraid,
that can often be false?a disgrace!""
"
"what's the dartos? professor hess guessed?he's
quite brilliant, but likely to jest. he's
declared, ""it's a sheath
made of muscle, beneath
scrotal skin in the pouch for your testes.""
"
"""your vocation?"" was asked of the bloke,
and he didn't reply as a joke.
then his offhand remarks
brought arrest by the narcs?
""i am known in this town as king coak!""
"
"i was driving. the engine cut out.
grandpa turned and opined, ""i've no doubt
your utility's nil.
you're cut out of my will!""
with a look that could kill, and a pout.
"
"it's the note a cryptographer reads,
that's decoded by following leads?
no, the cryptogam's not!
seems that nature forgot,
in these plants, any flowers or seeds.
"
"beach wormwood is velvety, furry;
it's as soft as a cat, but not purry,
and it's just within reach
as you walk on the beach.
it's not toxic?caress it?don't worry.
"
"bay myrtle's a flowering shrub
you can plant in a patio tub.
it is used to make candles
(from its wax). if one handles
the berries, one feels it?just rub.
"
"i purchased this beagle for sport.
now i'm suing?a final resort,
as he's sickly, a runt
who's no use on a hunt.
seems each dog has his day?day in court.
"
"the bay lynx is agile and muscular;
he hunts both the large and minuscular.
on a deer he may pounce,
or a grasshopper's bounce
may attract in the dusk?he's crepuscular.
"
"black elder, i thought, would describe
the old chief of an african tribe,
but it seems it's a tree.
see line 2 and line 3?
definitions that really don't jibe.
"
"these two adjectives, back in the day,
both meant ""sociable?ready to play,
to hang out, to hang loose.""
they're no longer in use,
while companionable? that's still okay.
"
"though she craved having normal fertility,
chronic illness had led to fragility.
curanderas assured
her disease could be cured,
but her doctors all doubt curability.
"
"the traders who came on a trip
to canton, and arrived on a ship,
gave a cumshaw, or bribe,
in response to a vibe
that would tell them, ""this guy needs a tip!""
"
"""disagreement we cannot afford!""
dan cries, ""consonance!"" (that means 'accord.')
""only consonants?"" howells
growls, ""what about vowels?""
(sheer foolishness?that's dan's reward.)
"
"the cryptophytes? yes, they abound.
they survive and keep hanging around,
though each son and each daughter
is born underwater,
or else they are born underground.
"
"like a field that's not fertile, but fallow,
or a youngster who's childlike and callow;
like a short, restless sleep,
or a stream one inch deep,
you are depthless, you creep?you are shallow!
"
"my living is made by my pen;
i write articles here in my den.
wrote a novel in provo
but it stank, so de novo,
i've started it over again.
"
"so he paid the guy 5,000 bucks
and was promised a truck that's de luxe.
what he got was repainted,
and chuck nearly fainted.
""that purple and green,"" he said, ""sucks!""
"
"she discovered you will not find locks
in a deli?that's not what it stocks?
but it's there you'll examine
some tasty smoked salmon.
on bagels, with cream cheese, it rocks!
"
"this contagium? i'm undesirous
of having this red swollen iris
and pain in my eye,
but at least i know why?
it is caused by a microbe or virus.
"
"if i ask him for help with a file,
or a document's lost, he will smile.
this techie's my suitor.
when i'm at my computer,
he helps me to run it in style.
"
"the problem he had was recurring.
his lectures were grouchy curmurring,
but i guess it was only
because he was lonely.
now he's fallen in love?our prof's purring!
"
"crested penguins are found near new zealand,
requiring cold water and free land.
some are rare, and i would,
if i possibly could,
grant these species a safe-guarantee land.
"
"i aver, i avow, i declare:
""i'm in love, and i'm walking on air!""
i announce it out loud
to the crowd, as i'm proud
that we two make a wonderful pair.
"
"i could tell from her cries and her sighs,
and the desolate look in her eyes,
that her world had gone black
since that fatal attack
when her lover had met his demise.
"
"now i'm dean of our college, i'm seen
as a queen who is edgy and mean,
but confronting professors
is one of those stressors
that makes every day halloween.
"
"a skylight admits light all day,
and it's worth what one may have to pay.
through this daylighting, one
has a room full of sun!
(when it's cloudy, alas, the room's gray.)
"
"colles' fracture involves just the radius.
like a squid who has broken its gladius,
i've no right to complain.
it will heal up again?
not like wayne who has (gulp) hypospadias.
"
"colles' fracture?not named for a pet
by a vet, when a dog's bone he'd set.
it was named for a doc
who took care of his flock?
and a damned good professor, i'll bet.
"
"when contemptuousness rodney'd detect,
his ego would crumble, be wrecked.
it was frequent, in fact,
so as part of his act
he would cry, ""i don't get no respect!""
"
"two columns were joined by a curtain wall
on the campus; it served as a flirtin' wall.
its side had a rural
arcadian mural,
so lovers would meet at this certain wall.
"
"definitions for crepe? here's a third:
for a paper that's creped, it's a word.
in kids' costumes it's used,
and we're often amused,
as the crepe paper garb looks absurd.
"
"she drinks wine from a crystal decanter;
it sharpens her wit and her banter.
the evening wears on;
in the hours before dawn,
she degenerates into a ranter.
"
"to id him, i've tried retinoscopy;
in his eye i had tried cerebroscopy.
they don't work; his amnesia
is total. to please ya,
i'm willing to try dactyloscopy.
"
"cymbocephaly?head with a keel?
such a prospect has little appeal,
so repairing the suture
improves baby's future.
it heals, and mom feels: ""it's for real!""
"
"when the vikings came round for a raid,
they just plundered and left, seldom stayed.
first they grabbed all they could?
any stuff that looked good.
later on, mainly danegeld was paid.
"
"my favorite bee? guatemalan.
it's so busy, there's no time for lollin'.
this bee is no slouch;
take a look at the pouch
in its dactylus?there it holds pollen.
"
"my grandmother says i'm a demon,
though i think of myself as a freeman.
to a cryobank, i
sell, each week, a supply
of my pleasingly freezable semen.
"
"as his company's business expands,
rand is shipped out to far distant lands.
but he's good with finance;
says the boss, ""he'll advance.
the comptrollership soon will be rand's.""
"
"it's not quite like a squash or a marrow?
it's a root and it's bulbous, not narrow.
in jamaican cuisine
it is called the dasheen,
though the rest of us know it as taro.
"
"that barkeeper's mean, and i think,
in this tavern, he'll raise a big stink
if i crawl cross the floor
and escape through the door,
as i can't pay the price of my drink.
"
"clinocephaly? mother is stressed,
as the top of ted's head is depressed.
she's obsessed, i'll attest;
through the whole middle west
she is seeking the surgeon who's best.
"
"in its youth, our tongue, english, was ""old,""
and old english had poets, i'm told,
who wrote poems to please us.
the ones about jesus
by cynewulf?they leave me cold.
"
"were you ready for guests? guess you weren't!
insulation can act as deterrent
to a shock from your wiring.
you sit there, perspiring?
is your homeowner's policy current?
"
"nate invited me out on a date,
to the theater. he hates to be late.
""it is best to arrive
about 7:05,
as the curtain time's listed as eight.""
"
"if you step on the tail of your pet,
he may howl and become quite upset,
but don't let him escape;
you should get him on tape,
for creating musique that's concr?te!
"
"cutaneous (skin) stimulation
can shape a romantic sensation.
press your lips to her cheek?
you'll have no need to speak
to achieve skin-to-skin conversation.
"
"the body began to  decay
at the foot of the bed, where it lay.
he had murdered his spouse
in their house?what a louse!
'twas the odor that gave it away.
"
"of my sons, it is lee who thinks freest.
he believes in a god?he's a deist,
but he also rejects
what church dogma directs,
so i guess he won't end up a pri-est.
"
"yes, sid's cynicism's plainly a bane.
his disdain is a terrible pain.
his distrust of his peers
had us nearly yell ""cheers!""
when we heard he was hit by a train.
"
"needing locks for her doors, bessie wesson,
by mistake, tried a delicatessen.
she was shocked to her socks
when they handed her lox,
but she learned a most relevant lesson.
"
"some people don't grow very tall.
with de lange's, the child remains small.
brows are thick, hairline's low,
and his learning is slow?
this sad syndrome's not pleasant at all.
"
"a darner is someone who darns,
fixing socks with a needle and yarns.
it's a dragonfly too?
i just spotted a few
flying over the meadows and tarns.
"
"though he competently finished the job,
he was spent, and his head was athrob.
""though this building will last,
seems that i'm sinking fast?
i'm a goner!"" cried bob, with a sob.
"
"a bridal gown has to look neat,
not appear to be made from a sheet,
and the bride it should flatter,
not make her look fatter,
but sweet from her head to her feet.
"
"when the engines conked out, his command
of the plane showed a fine, steady hand.
""check your seat belts' condition!
assume the position!""
he cried, ""we're about to crash-land!""
"
"what is data? a bundling of facts?
joined in tables, or pie graphs, or tracts,
or in lists?a collection,
awaiting inspection.
then insight, from facts, one extracts.
"
"he moved north from jamaica, i know,
and his taro, at first, wouldn't grow,
but this winter we spied,
in his garden, outside,
that he'd raised them?dasheen through the snow!
"
"mom says tommy's a dab hand, and his
formal garden's the best that there is,
but that puzzles ms. liz?
""is this kind of a quiz?""
""no, a dab hand in britain's a whiz!""
"
"the danaidae?my, how they fly?
lovely butterflies fluttering by.
they are named for the daughters
who fled across waters;
forced marriage they hoped to defy.
"
"when he partnered his new ballerina,
she was warlike and strong as athena.
danseur noble, he's proud;
both were cheered by the crowd
though they danced to an old concertina.
"
"north atlantic? that's where you'll find codfish,
so common we don't think them odd fish,
but they're not seen a lot
where it's arid and hot,
so they're not the prevailing riyadh fish.
"
"the coronavirus?microbe that's bold?
is the bug that caused sars, i am told.
that was quite a surprise,
as that bug, in our eyes,
was the cause of the old common cold.
"
"my husband and i like to sup.
with dessert we will both take a cup
of hot coffee (decaf).
if we don't, seems that half
of the night we can't sleep?and stay up.
"
"when attacked, tess was under duress.
she fought back with no lack of finesse.
in her scuffle with hoods,
she delivered the goods?
fighting muggers, old tess had success.
"
"a delivery? goods from a store,
or a throw by a pitcher; what's more,
how you lecture, or maybe,
the birth of a baby,
or rescue by god from life's war.
"
"she wore jeans to the formal, it's true?
not just trousers?her jacket was, too,
made of heavyweight denim.
the critics, with venom,
declared, ""dear, this outfit won't do!""
"
"when my wife gets undressed every night,
she hides in the dark, out of sight,
but her sheer neglig?e
is so sexy, i say,
""i just can't wait to turn on delight!""
"
"the decathlon's a sport that requires
skill and strength that the public admires.
the events number ten;
let me mention again
the respect each decathlete inspires.
"
"i have seen your colation location?
the municipal filtering station,
and your water's first rate!
after touring i ate,
at its lunchroom, a luscious collation.
"
"some mornings i wake up depressed,
and i know i won't function my best,
as i'd rather be dead
than get out of my bed,
and i dread what's ahead?getting dressed.
"
"my appointment, next wednesday, is dental.
i wish that my dentist were gentle.
each time he starts drilling me,
i bellow, ""you're killing me!""
he shrugs and declares it's all mental.
"
"you ask, ""what's an acerate leaf?""
i'll reply without causing you grief,
so there's no need to wheedle:
""a conifer's needle.""
my answer? it's flawless and brief.
"
"my foundation will be a sensation,
and famous all over the nation,
as state chapters will link.
what's our goal? anti-zinc!
our objective? dezincification!
"
"a pirate that's good with his saber
can rescue a friend or a neighbor,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to cave, thereby saving him labor.
"
"""here are six separate words with a joint
definition. which should we anoint?
how should cuspate be rated?
and how cuspidated?""
i reply, ""will you come to the point?""
"
"your two orthodontists both say
you've got problems?a bad curve of spee.
you need work on your teeth,
both above and beneath,
but you'll chew a lot better that way.
"
"achaemenian rulers were persian,
and to them egypt had an aversion,
but their fall would await
alexander the great
on his world-subjugation excursion.
"
"it was gentle?not mean or obscene,
so i laughed at her comic routine,
and i hoped it was slapstick
when, putting on chapstick,
she swallowed the tube and turned green.
"
"the communalist? he is the man
who prefers his own faction or clan
to the rest of society?
finds no impropriety
advancing their aims when he can.
"
"what's a concrement? it's a concretion
made by adding things on, not deletion?
like the tophus in gout
we would like to clear out
via blood uric acid depletion.
"
"i can tell mel's well-built and he's muscular,
but he also needs strength that's corpuscular
(in his blood) to keep pace
for the length of the race,
though each blood cell seems so?well?minuscular.
"
"i've two sons, and the elder's a fool,
while the younger is clever and cool.
i have moderate means,
and they're both in their teens,
so they go to a composite school.
"
"if yer business goes bust, you must heed yer
obligations for rent and to feed yer
wife and family. just
for their safety, you must
have a thought-out contingency procedure.
"
"swing my hand from below to above?
the computer records it. i love
to watch hand grenades hurled
in my virtual world
with the help of my cool data glove.
"
"for you, allegheny, my vine,
i sit here and weep in my wine.
though i'm just an old-timer,
i miss my dear climber;
without you my wine turns to brine.
"
"our pastor's been named a commissioner
by the city, so every parishioner
is wishing him well.
he is sure to excel.
gentle charity? he's a practitioner.
"
"in therapy called combination
you don't take only one medication
for your aids-hiv?
you must swallow all three.
see your doctor for more information.
"
"you got clap on your trip? you're a louse.
i'm ashamed to admit you're my spouse.
take those pills, 'cause i ain't
gonna clap on no paint?
cure your illness, then spruce up the house.
"
"the trapeze artist nightly would dangle
at a risky, uncomfortable angle?
so spread-eagled, his tights,
at those heights near the lights,
showed each sequin and bangle and spangle.
"
"the voyage, serene, seemed routine.
the torpedo, at first, wasn't seen.
then at 8:25
we were forced to crash-dive?
submerging our new submarine.
"
"i once knew an artist named bart
who was talented, canny, and smart.
every one of his sketches
in the ad world now fetches
a fortune?commercial (?) art.
"
"i think i'd best hear ben again, or
i may get him confused with a hen, or
a rooster's loud crow.
no, i don't really know
if the guy sings that high?contratenor.
"
"don't rain on (i wrote) my parade.
i maintain that the piper's been paid.
like a fox, i am crazy.
i'm fresh as a daisy?
who says that my writing's clich?d?
"
"said two virgins called linda and lydia,
infected by many clostridia,
""the germ that's upsettin' us?
we hope it ain't tetanus.
at least we don't think it's chlamydia.""
"
"if you cough, and your cough doesn't quit,
then a sample of sputum submit.
if it shows curschmann's spirals,
don't take antivirals.
it's asthma, shown up in your spit!
"
"comstock mealybug? surely you jest.
is it really the name of the pest
with which natalie grapples
in growing her apples?
i confess i would never have guessed.
"
"a bishop who's needing advice
gets the help that he needs in a trice.
his consultors are near
and, when summoned, appear.
it's so nice that he needn't ask twice.
"
"a commendatory letter was sent
the commendatary (bishop of kent).
""you have cared?with expense?
for church property; hence
you are cleared to collect further rent.""
"
"an absorbable surgical suture
may be animal-based, like a blucher,
but it's much more cosmetic
when made from synthetic
material?trend of the future.
"
"was the dinner a bargain, a steal?
many diary entries reveal
that in london, a dandy
kept dandiprats handy?
with one he could pay for a meal.
"
"a creation of author james joyce,
stephen dedalus, making a choice,
as he learns life is troublin'
(his teacher is dublin),
speaks out in the author's own voice.
"
"he's invaded our lands in the past;
the destruction he's caused has been vast,
but the future is beckoning?
the lord's day of reckoning
will bring him to justice at last.
"
"when alaska he'd chosen as home,
he acclimated quickly to nome,
wearing foam rubber suits
under parka and boots
when he slept neath his cold igloo's dome.
"
"in my yard, there's a daw who's a thief,
and he's clever beyond all belief.
this jackdaw swooped down,
heading right for my crown,
grabbed my toupe for his nest?caused me grief!
"
"bloody urine? some help i'll be needing;
so my doctor's advice i am heeding.
what he says in his fax is
i've got cystistaxis?
my bladder's soft lining is bleeding.
"
"the band from our school played nonstop
at the annual charity hop.
their new tango was nice,
and part one they played twice:
da capo?again, from the top.
"
"in ireland, the dail passes laws.
then the president signs them because
her desire is what's best
for her country?a test
of her values that brings her applause.
"
"the clinid? well, here's my belief:
it inhabits the tropical reef.
it's a fish, one of many
of those we call blenny.
too brief a description?  good grief!
"
"if a food tastes real good, it's delicious;
if you're lucky, it's also nutritious,
and not empty calories.
the experts earn salaries
despoiling our pleasure?it's vicious!
"
"deb surrendered when first she met brett.
she got pregnant; their marriage was set.
but they spent all their cash
on a rash nuptial bash.
now they're wedded, upset, and in debt.
"
"do you like my apartment's d?cor?
i've designed it from ceiling to floor.
oh, that stuffed tiger scared you?
guess i should have prepared you?
quite a trick that i get it to roar.
"
"we've been married a decade this year.
it's been great. here's a beer. give a cheer.
you are faithful and fun,
and for me, you're the one.
happy tenth anniversary, dear!
"
"cousin neil fell for celia, for real.
he invited her out for a meal:
""will you come, after that,
to my flat for a chat?""
""i'm a pro,"" she said. ""let's make a deal.""
"
"when we plan to attack is called d-day;
we don't call it a-, b-, or c-day.
ask me why? all our power
will strike at h-hour?
a clue to our name for this key day.
"
"did cryptorchism trouble hephaestus?
he worked next to fire, so each testis
got hot. did he tote 'em
way down in his scrotum,
with underpants made of asbestos?
"
"not a suitor since moving to perth!
seems of suitable men, there's a dearth.
aussies' manners appall me;
a ""sheila"" they call me,
though my name has been bertha since birth.
"
"stafford taft, who's more crafty than daft,
built a cabin that ran fore to aft?
thus embellished his raft.
he explained, as he laughed,
""the old craft had too much of a draft.""
"
"is your shtick like a redneck's or hick's?
do your jokes make folks snicker? do chicks
find your cracker-barrel humor
falls flat? there's a rumor
you'll fail?even out in the sticks.
"
"""who goes first in the game?"" reason fails.
""try a coin toss,"" i say. penny pales,
and she quails?as she dreads
it will come up a ""heads""
when she'd bet on it coming up ""tails.""
"
"the deckchairs on trips oceanic
open fast; you don't need a mechanic,
but should your ship sink,
next to life vests, they stink
as a way to survive in the panic.
"
"that seaman's a pain in the neck,
since he can't keep his temper in check?
and some day, i suspect,
by a punch he'll be decked,
and go down in a heap on the deck.
"
"there are people whose friendship i prize,
while others i hate?i despise.
yes, the former are brothers;
i love them. the others?
i gladly await their demise.
"
"""his review of my dance made me burn!""
said the soviet dancer named fern.
""to his comrades, i'll bet,
he panned my pirouette,
and he called it a cheap common turn.""
"
"our new electrician's inspiring.
trish's spirit and pluck i'm admiring.
she just entered the crawlspace
(that small and not tall space)
to fix what is wrong with my wiring.
"
"prevision ? decision, incision
(precision excision, parisian).
imprecision ? misprision,
derision, collision ?
circumcision (abscission) revision.
"
"signor luria comes from liguria,
sees a doctor, complains of dysuria.
after taking a test,
he gets news that is best:
""all it shows is a mild cylindruria.""
"
"""in my daywear i won't look all slobbery,
and i think to imply so's pure snobbery.
the gowns that are formal,
on me, don't look normal,
and prices? it's pure daylight robbery!""
"
"the fossil hounds digging around
for remains of old trees in the ground
thought the metasequoia
extinct, but oh boy, a
dawn redwood, in china, was found.
"
"lordy, look at you! my, how you've thinned, rick.
i'm chagrined. have you ginned? have you sinned, rick?
gosh, your arms are so thin;
are there muscles within?
hell, it almost appears they're cylindric.
"
"it isn't a plain adenoma,
or benign, like my dad's angioma.
it is found in small ducts,
which it therefore obstructs,
and it's cancerous too?cylindroma!
"
"cymbidium orchids command
a good price, as they're beautiful, and
i will not sell them cheap.
i think jim is a creep,
and that very low bids should be banned.
"
"prostate biopsy? ruined my day.
i reacted with utter dismay
when they said i had cancer,
but they gave me an answer?
curietherapy took it away.
"
"competitory? competitive? which
word is better? just tell me; i'll switch,
as i like being right.
i'll come first, or i'll fight!
me, competitive? hah! man, that's rich!
"
"the devil invented a bell
that would ring with each lie that i'd tell.
it rang twelve times a day.
now i'm dead?passed away?
it's the chime on my cell phone in hell.
"
"""i will stop using drugs in a while.
i can quit any time,"" with a smile,
said my wily friend bill
as he swallowed a pill,
and he wallowed, beguiled, in denial.
"
"this new patient's my latest assignment.
at nine months, with the head in alignment,
as she labors away,
i assure her i'll stay:
""your confinement will be my confinement.""
"
"you've inquired about making a mat
for the choir of your church or your flat,
or acquiring the rope
you require to elope?
look for coir, baby, that's where it's at!
"
"with livia, vivie must divvy a
cash prize from a quiz based on trivia:
candombl? dance? a samba.
right. what's cochabamba?
a city in central bolivia!
"
"sy complained he felt shy and laconic,
then drank some of grandmother's tonic,
and off he went dashin'
to woo with a passion?
a wild rush of fervor?daemonic.
"
"""davallia's a genus of fern
that likes shade?where the sun doesn't burn.
in south asia it's found,
neath the trees, on the ground.
learn your ferns!"" said ms. stern, with concern.
"
"going shopping? want something that hacks
to the max?  just sit back and relax.
this axe's brief bio:
named like dayton, ohio.
chopping's cool with this tool?dayton axe!
"
"home from hunting, his lordship was led
to the bedroom.  he blanched, then he said,
""though the peerage may laugh,
i take care of my staff;
i am glad that my butler's breast-fed.""
"
"my meter'd be neater, i guess
(and my verse a lot less of a mess),
with a different pg
giving stress that would be,
as you've guessed, on the syllable ness.
"
"as we plan for a winter vacation,
our viewpoints show wide separation:
for my husband, it's ""ski!""
it's ""the tropics!"" for me;
what we need is depolarization.
"
"when she called me a dabster, i wept,
as i thought she had found me inept.
it was hard to accept
till reality crept
in?by golly, she means i'm adept!
"
"was vermilion the colorant sig meant,
when he said chinese red is a figment
of my wandering mind?
if he tries, he will find
it's a genuine kind of a pigment.
"
"i'm a cypherpunk. am i a cracker
of codes of computers?a hacker?
or do i (in purity)
work hard for security?
alas, friends, i am an attacker.
"
"conservatory? conservatoire?
i would favor the latter by far.
the word's less fuddy-duddy
to describe where i study
to become next year's opera star.
"
"coloradoite? mineral for
which geologists like to explore.
it is made of hg
that is joined to te;
once you've dug some, you'll want to dig more.
"
"the decathlon's a sporting event.
for the toughest of athletes it's meant,
and they all stay alive.
i would never survive?
they are superman; i am clark kent.
"
"ancient greeks had a flair for design,
and each cylix they made was divine?
each a model of grace
from its handles to base.
greeks embraced it for drinking their wine.
"
"two words with three meanings? they come
in the form of this phrase: damson plum.
there's the tree, and the fruit,
and a color to boot.
old damascus is where they are from.
"
"the king would disport in his court;
any dame who'd complain, he'd deport.
as none wanted to be
the king's next deportee,
they'd agree as a last-ditch resort.
"
"depravation, when spelled with an a,
means that someone has led me astray.
with an i, deprivation
means thirst and starvation.
what? choose? i'd take a, any day!
"
"asphaltum, in nature, is gooey
so it seems just a little bit screwy
that it surfaces roads
to connect our abodes
from los angeles back to st. louis.
"
"it's no shellfish? well here's a rebuttal-bone!
always hidden from view, it's a subtle bone.
has the cuttlefish got it?
yes, proof?when you spot it,
you'll know he's a mollusc?the  cuttlebone.
"
"the greeks thought the persians barbaric,
yet they surely admired the daric,
and were quick to purloin
this pure gold minted coin.
now it's only a word, dictionaric!
"
"said the doc to the bony brazilian,
""your condylion's one in a million!
the width of your head's
just like general fred's?
it's amazing for any civilian!""
"
"that's a das (or we call it a dassie),
but i can't tell a lass from a lassie.
call it hyrax, a name
that the ancients could claim
for the beast, as it sounded more classy.
"
"the prescription you've brought me's compoundable,
if the specified weights are all roundable.
says each pill should contain
six-nineteenths of a grain!
you're in luck?i'm no longer confoundable.
"
"some people (both teens and adults)
have been brainwashed by dangerous cults.
when you've found an occasion
for counter-persuasion,
deprogram for stunning results.
"
"the east indian tree called the dhak
must defend its good name from attack
when it's called bastard teak.
it can't just turn its cheek;
it's not yellow?it has to fight back!
"
"the financial world's gone in the tank,
and i fear going broke. to be frank,
all my dough's in the closet.
i could make a deposit,
but i don't trust the guys at the bank.
"
"no, i didn't like being dependent.
living home, i was like a defendant
who was charged with not cleaning
my room. how demeaning!
adulthood's, by contrast, resplendent!
"
"i'm observant and jewish; i pray.
yes, i daven three times every day.
sabbath? holidays? four,
and yom kippur, one more.
it keeps tsuris away. no? oy vey!
"
"the battle flag's usage began
when wars were invented by man?
like the sun with its rays,
back in world war ii days,
that was flown by the troops of japan.
"
"ancient hymns that were graceful and lyric
were sung to the gods called cabiric,
but their cults, old and serious,
were also mysterious,
so perhaps some were also satiric.
"
"cotemporary?  read the word fast,
and it sounds like our love cannot last,
but cotemporaneous?
my response, instantaneous:
""we're concurrent."" impressions contrast!
"
"when we brought in the lima bean crop,
i made soup and i cooked it non-stop
for three hours; it's incredible?
the soup's now inedible.
a black, crustlike layer's on top.
"
"said my mother, ""i just got a letter
of commitment."" it seemed to upset 'er.
""if you've got a loan, why,""
i inquired, ""do you cry?
i'd expect it to make you feel better.""
"
"a volcanic basalt we call dhu-stone
is sometimes, in england, called jew-stone.
in its own special way
it is pretty?dark gray
or pitch-black?and to me, it's a new stone.
"
"want to color some cloth? you should try
(if it's animal-based) acid dye.
it's synthetic? a nylon?
you'll still keep your smile on,
but rayon? you'll fail and might cry.
"
"said mccain to the plumber named joe,
""a cusec's a unit of flow
that is one cubic foot
in each second. i'll put
it on cue cards, so workmen will know.""
"
"it's a classic?not really a new berry,
that to yankees is known as the dewberry.
we all know, i suppose,
that on bushes it grows?
more a blackberry, rather than blueberry.
"
"with my tomcat i have to be firm;
get that pill down, although he may squirm.
he may growl; he may howl;
he may meow, crying ""foul!""
but i clear from his bowel?deworm.
"
"what is wrong, would you say, with a nation
that has undergone depopulation?
i guess they depopulate
when people don't copulate,
and there isn't enough immigration!
"
"cytherea, the goddess, may be a
fine source for a lover's idea,
but she can't guarantee a
complete panacea
if the guy should contract gonorrhea.
"
"this article here in the paper
exposes a tourist-trap caper.
see the dateline? capri.
see the byline? that's me!
(although fame's evanescent as vapor.)
"
"my guy isn't shy, and that's why
he wants sex on the sly when we fly.
but it's cramped on a plane,
so i cry in sham pain
and get high on champagne in the sky.
"
"the lot where i parked boasted gay lights,
multicolored, and really okay lights.
never worried nor cared;
then a stalker?he scared
out of me, the?what's called?""living daylights.""
"
"my candid pal andy demanded
that we start a new club. it expanded.
now our meeting is annual,
for all dextromanual
proctologists (just the right-handed).
"
"all my clothing, hand-sewn (custom-made),
using fabric that's only top-grade,
in the patterns i love,
fits my shape like a glove?
though i'm built like a blimp, i'm afraid.
"
"when you're visiting britain, aunt bea,
we'll go out for cream tea?you and me.
you will notice i am
fond of strawberry jam,
clotted cream, and warm scones?and, yes, tea.
"
"""the weather is balmy. go out,""
said our mommy, ""i haven't a doubt
you'll have fun in the sun.
take the dog for a run.
that's what fair summer days are about!""
"
"my lawyer just called on the phone,
and he's summoning me to depone
with my husband. we both
will be grilled, under oath.
well, i'd hate to depone all alone!
"
"to strip all his honors?deplume
him?will cause lots of pain, i assume.
he'll be plucked like a duck;
he'll be clean out of luck
and of money?and doomed, i presume.
"
"her husband, an old caballero,
in the pocket inside his bolero,
carried antibiotics
and other exotics?
a most up-to-date curandero.
"
"jamie pace always tried to debase
any rivals. he put in their place
and belittled his foes,
so his tactics were those
that would make his opponents lose face.
"
"it is midnight in distant rangoon,
where you see an eclipse of the moon,
but the absolute time
is the same, although i'm
eating prunes in canc?n, where it's noon.
"
"my yacht is regrettably crewed
by a crew that is crude, rude, and lewd.
they've accrued a majority
because of seniority?
the rules of their union?i'm screwed!
"
"rob's hair, rough and yellow, was straw-ish;
his hands were both clumsy and paw-ish,
and he wasn't her choice,
she declared, as his voice
was a lot like a crow's?it was dawish.
"
"cryptomnesics? their memories seem
quite original.  ergo they dream
any theme one might mention
is their own invention.
""you've plagiarized!"" editors scream.
"
"the ceo beckoned, ""come in!""
and his nephew approached with a grin.
""uncle vinnie, choose me.
let me be your vp!""
""no, a  clerkship is where you'll begin!""
"
"no matter how hard he may try
through the night, this unfortunate guy
is a bedwetter. he
can't hold on to his pee,
and he seldom wakes happy and dry.
"
"my computer now handles my money.
i'm banking on line, and it's funny
that my login's the same
as a boxing champ's name.
what's my cryptonym? call me gene tunney!
"
"cynicalness? sid's is quite plain.
he looks down on the world with disdain.
his contemptuous sneer
makes us cross, as it's clear
his complaints are completely inane.
"
"the critics had no admiration:
""to these poets it bears no relation.
the piece stinks. was she drinking?
what on earth was she thinking?
a mindless conceptualization!""
"
"ima ball, a young comic from bristol
whose routine was as hot as a pistol,
became pregnant?what girth!
""if,"" said she, ""i give birth
to a girl, i'll be naming her crystal.""
"
"this lemur you'll see in the skies?
cynocephalus?quite a surprise.
through the forest it glides,
using flaps at its sides,
and it not only flies, it eats flies.
"
"""there's a man in the house with a bomb!""
cries my brother, excitable tom.
""dear, it's all in your mind;
no explosives you'll find.
now go back to your homework,"" says mom.
"
"the cutty stool stood in the church,
and upon it a sinner would perch,
feeling shame and remorse.
he was praying, of course,
for forgiveness?the ultimate search.
"
"the new dentist, to tell you the truth,
is a loudmouth and seems quite uncouth,
but the fellow's renown work
includes making crownwork.
hmmm...guess i'll bring him my bad tooth.
"
"ben certainly acted commendably;
he carried out duties dependably.
he was faithful?that's so?
but he's soon got to go.
how'd our boss see his service? expendably!
"
"mom is hornswoggled, thinks you're heroic,
that you've troubles, and bear them?a stoic,
but you're making a living
on mom's guileless giving.
you're a parasite, bro?cytozoic.
"
"study insulin; be scientific.
the a chain, you'll find, is terrific.
in this chain: twenty-one
acids, second to none?
each arrangement is species-specific.
"
"growing up, i'd a very marked tendency
to resent my (parental) dependency.
i'd say, ""mom, when i'm grown
i will live on my own!""
adulthood, for me, was transcendency.
"
"when i fell and i bruised my behind
on the street, a young stranger was kind.
thus through sheer accidentalness,
i discovered her gentleness;
now i can't get her out of my mind.
"
"in a snowstorm, the airlines deice
all their planes that take off?sometimes twice.
seems that ice on the wing
is a dangerous thing;
if an airplane goes down, that's not nice.
?
so they use an effective device
that, in competent hands, will suffice
to make sure the planes go
safe and sound in the snow.
though it's pricey, deicing's precise.
"
"full nostrils? try emptying them
with a smack that may help you dephlegm.
you should aim where it's bregmate
to fully dephlegmate.
(this tactic my doctors condemn.)
"
"in scotland, a devil's a deil,
a word that has local appeal,
meaning lucifer, satan,
or the guy that you're datin',
prince of darkness, and demon?surreal!
"
"in a bog, i discovered there grew
daily dews. i adopted a few.
man, these plants are carnivorous?
in fact insectivorous.
i command: ""eat my bugs daily, do!""
"
"the deckhands work hard on big ships,
so that passengers going on trips
have their deckchairs just so
when to sea the ships go?
deckhands love to get generous tips.
"
"when i think about nature's creation
and our mindless, obscene desecration
of the earth?we pollute it?
i think: ""let's reboot it;
start over, another location!""
"
"""here's my fish,"" declared joan with a groan.
""to fillet it, this knife i will hone,
but i'm awfully afraid
that before it's filleted,
i will slip and i'll cut to debone.""
"
"""deck the halls,"" says the old christmas carol;
deck ourselves, too, in yuletide apparel.
but it seems like a joke?
after shopping, i'm broke,
and i'll deck myself out in a barrel.
"
"i've gone bankrupt, and what do i thank?
it's the debit card sent by my bank.
as my purchases mount,
the card drains my account
till the balance is shown as a blank.
"
"a debutante (call her a deb)
has just entered society's web.
in the socialite whirl,
she's no longer a girl,
and in time may become a celeb.
"
"she makes her debut in society
at a ball where there's perfect propriety.
moms of bachelors are scanners
of her looks and her manners?
a debutante's cause for anxiety.
"
"something's deadlocked? the rivals won't budge.
why that is, the disputants may judge.
if they can't achieve motion
at all, i've a notion
you're itching to give them a nudge.
"
"a young virgin bestowed her consent
on an octogenarian gent,
but the night they were wed
he was dead in their bed.
what had happened? he came, and he went.
"
"i expect that my life on this earth,
from the first?that's the moment of birth?
till i breathe my last breath,
at the moment of death,
will be crammed with romance, and with mirth.
"
"if you want to play shakespeare, prepare
to look foppish in what you will wear
playing  osric?you'll be
kind of dandified. he
is played best with a comical flair.
"
"the godhead has perfect aseity,
encompassing all?his omneity.
corporeity? gaseity?
both?simultaneity!
sing a theody, now, to our deity!
"
"my professor is prone to debunk
ancient wisdom and label it ""junk.""
when i'm arguing back,
i get lost and off track.
i feel shrunken and sunk in a funk.
"
"i have listened to mortimer's story,
and to me it seems comminatory.
i sense there's a threat
in his words, and i'll bet
if we cross him our end will be gory.
"
"as the hairdresser curled up my hair,
i was promised a hairdo with flair.
then i sighed, ""now it's done,
i look just like a nun.""
and i wept and curled up in my chair.
"
"got a fracture? the pain never ceases
(so it seems) and discomfort increases
(at least it's reputed)
when the break's comminuted
and the bone has been splintered in pieces.
"
"a creamsicle comes on a stick.
ricky chews it, but i'd rather lick.
white ice cream, orange ice?
makes a treat that is nice,
but in summer, it melts extra-quick.
"
"the jury just couldn't believe 'er.
""i was tired and was running a fever,""
the  butcher's wife said.
""he ate crackers in bed,
so i chopped off his head with a cleaver.""
"
"as he looked at his groin, my pal keith
saw a bulge that was growing beneath.
""it is tall as the urals?
this hernia, crural's,
poked out through my left crural sheath!""
"
"several states, customarily red,
seemed to be gop born and bred.
in november '08
voters chose a blue slate?
with the democrats now they're in bed.
"
"in canarsie, the girls never mind
when guys ogle a shapely behind,
though the guys sometimes shout
something terrible out.
and the girls? they just answer in kind.
"
"said our leader, ""the red revolution
won't engender a mass execution.
we'll just communize all
that you own, and we'll call
it transition without retribution.""
"
"nora treasured tim's gifts that were floral
and made comments, both written and oral.
when she'd commentate, though,
on her radio show,
she deemed orchids obscene and immoral.
"
"do you fix pickled food as a treat?
when it's condite, it's ready to eat.
to condite's to preserve?
make the pickles you serve.
it's so sad that the word's obsolete.
"
"they are comparably clad?each a sweater
with a sparkling new varsity letter?
but watching them run,
you'll be certain that one
of the twins is incomparably better.
"
"after winning a horse-race trifecta,
our exec made a fete, and it wrecked a
fine diet. the mounds
of rich food put on pounds?
and i only consumed analecta!
"
"when we fight about ethics with mary,
her concepts of virtue may vary.
devil's advocate? heck!
she's a pain in the neck.
her positions are always contrary.
"
"his behavior is sinful and evil;
his actions engender upheaval.
he's wedded to revelry,
which he spices with devilry.
such malfeasance won't merit reprieval.
"
"felix studies his textbook each night,
and in botany class he's so bright!
""this plant's tendril, a helix,
is dextrorse,"" says felix.
""in climbing, it turns left to right.""
"
"a joke i would never expect
to disturb all my fans, to deject
them (to make them feel sad),
made them cry. now i'm mad?
my career as a comic is wrecked!
"
"there is one kind of bone in particular;
to the sternum it lies perpendicular,
and this five-hundred-dollar bone
is known as the collarbone.
its shape is?well?bone-like, clavicular.
"
"today's bummed me, and now it's complete?
i am stopped by a hood on the street.
""give me money. don't run,""
he says, ""this here's a gun.
if you try something, hon, you're dead meat.""
"
"the museum chief roused our aggression
when he quietly used his discretion
to sell our monet
and a print by paul klee.
how dare the old fool deaccession?
"
"narcoleptics will just fall asleep?
that's unless they have something to keep
them awake. they don't try
for a dexedrine high;
it's their treatment, effective and cheap.
"
"""too much garbage?i fear defoedation
from the millions of tons in this nation,""
said ecologist michael.
""we've got to recycle,
respect mother nature's creation.""
"
"well, i hear they caught up with aunt maude.
she's a swindler, at home and abroad.
she embezzles and cheats
every fellow she meets;
each romance is a chance to defraud.
"
"we eat cheese on a fine ocean liner,
or, with bread, in a neighborhood diner.
only one tastes delicious?
on the ship. i'm suspicious
that the setting's the flavor's definer.
"
"i'm so fat that i sweat like a hog,
so my glasses steam up when i jog,
thus creating some issues.
though i wipe them with tissues,
i still seem to run in defog.
"
"many pig farmers once used to holler. a
sickness cost many a dollar; a
plague was unclean.
crystal violet vaccine
now has helped them get rid of hog cholera.
"
"a depository: there you will keep
certain valuables (nothing that's cheap).
the depositary (keeper)
will help you sleep deeper?
no worries, no need to count sheep.
"
"you're unlikely to guess, if you meet 'er,
that conchita's a crook and a cheater,
and what's worse, a repeater?
a bankroll depleter.
to her victims, she couldn't be sweeter!
"
"so the mate sent distress calls, ignored
by the boater, till help came aboard.
he continued devoutly,
prayed loudly and stoutly,
and thanked?not the coast guard?the lord.
"
"a religious fanatic?a boater?
was adrift with a broken-down motor,
but he didn't despair.
he was certain that prayer
would bring help to this ardent devotor.
"
"""there's a fly in my soup; can't you see?""
""no i can't, sir, it's only debris
from the herbs and the spice,
or a large grain of rice.""
""but it's having a race with a flea!""
"
"my telescope brings education
about stars and each new constellation.
now i'll drink to his highness,
the dolphin, delphinus,
with deep and sincere admiration.
"
"the mother bird tends to her brood,
unaware that she's hunted for food;
and the man tries to lasso
this lovely curassow,
or shoot her (if that suits his mood).
"
"for parliament's cruel execution
of a tea tax, we sought retribution.
though we brewed crystal tea
from a shrub, tax would be
an excuse for our cool revolution.
"
"that guy has you under his thumb
since you fell for his line, which was dumb.
he says men without homes
write the world's greatest poems.
he's a derelict, hobo?a bum!
"
"his crabbiness?something i hate!
just a trifle will make him irate.
but i also must smile
when i think of his style?
it turns out it's his least awful trait.
"
"the chef was a jolly good fellow,
his way unpretentious and mellow,
and he cooked his zucchini
with ham and crimini.
that mushroom? a young portobello.
"
"dale predicts: ""bet my startup prevails,""
but the industry's faith in him fails?
a low confidence level?
we tell him the devil
is found in the later details.
"
"dental implants? my husband has plenty.
the teeth he was born with were bent. he
also ate lots of sweets,
and these sugary treats
meant he'd lost all his teeth by age twenty.
"
"her husband was quite reverential
as he looked at each well-framed credential?
but their doc's phd
was in finance, and she
found its relevance somewhat tangential.
"
"i say ""crepuscule;"" some say ""crepuscle""?
it's the time that a skirt's flirting rustle
will inspire a young swain
to commence a campaign
to obtain what lies under its bustle.
"
"something crazy goes on when this weed
is mixed up in an animal's feed.
cows may eat just un poco
and still become loco,
vaqueros and cowboys concede.
"
"is it true that, unconsciously, i'm
on the brink of committing a crime?
will i sin? i've some doubt,
so i'm ultra-devout.
whew! it looks like i caught it in time.
"
"""we need laws to promote genus daucus,""
cried bugs bunny. ""i'm forming a caucus.
we'll lobby the senate;
'more carrots!'?our tenet.""
bugs, please be polite; not so raucous!
"
"to dewater's to make something dry?
to dehydrate, to end the supply
of its moisture, deprive
of what keeps plants alive?
no matter the how or the why.
"
"in the church with the beautiful steeple,
the attendance was down. reverend weeple
complained, with chagrin,
""if i can't pull them in,
i'll eventually lose all?depeople.""
"
"it's a small yellow flower that begs
her to pick it, but peggy reneges.
""you are merely a weed,
and you'll never succeed.
you're just toadflax, or butter-and-eggs.""
"
"fifty years ago, pop had the gall
to invest in a strip-teaser's hall.
now our family's rich
from his foreknowledge, which
came from gypsy rose lee's crystal ball.
"
"who is faster? is algie? or hal?
when compared for a race, or a gal?
hal will reach the tape first,
but a lover? the worst!
brother algie ran off with hal's pal.
"
"the black poplar?above us it soars.
it gives shade, and its wood can make doors,
frames for windows?what's more,
should you care to explore?
it may even be used to make floors.
"
"the actress remarked with a frown,
""without critics, we'd have no renown.
i invite them to sup
when they're crying me up,
but cry off when they're crying me down.""
"
"when she sniffed my new plant (genus allium),
the neurons lit up in  her pallium
(her cortical area).
resultant hysteria
left sally requiring a valium.
"
"the twin boys, hal and algernon harrison,
grew up with their dad at a garrison.
both are strong, energetic,
superbly athletic?
so alike, they defy all comparison.
"
"our cause for divorce? not complex.
seems that tex had a mind to desex
my companion, dear daniel,
a young cocker spaniel.
once husband, now tex is my ex.
"
"being gullible, steven gave credence
to predictions of pete's supersedence
in the coming election,
so he made no objection
when he heard about voting impedance.
"
"our council reached rapid accord.
we elected a guy we adored,
who looked like clark gable,
to sit at our table?
he'll never make this council bored!
"
"what beautiful berries! let's wash
them and make a nice jelly.  my gosh,
they do not look like plain berries;
could they be baneberries?
heavens! they may be cohosh!
"
"summer, winter, autumnal or vernal,
i write in my daybook (my journal),
but i feel like a hedger;
i fill out my ledger
at night, so my daybook's nocturnal.
"
"""i like milk that is fresh, and not curdy.""
said the writer. ""i'm terse and not wordy;
all my poems are short?
of the limerick sort.
my fine diet helps keep my verse sturdy.""
"
"a crown fire is hard to contain.
flames will jump tree to tree. it's a pain,
as it moves very fast.
we will beat it at last,
but the charring is sure to remain.
"
"my bowels are loose and in fluxion
from crohn's disease?my introduction
to visceral pain.
man, it's really a drain;
in the end, it may lead to obstruction.
"
"your collarbone, also your head?
cleidocranial, so it is said,
refers to them both,
and i've taken an oath:
it's a word i will use ere i'm dead.
"
"cleidocranial (yes!) dysostosis
is a lifelong and rare diagnosis.
you've no clavicle?it
lets you fit through a slit;
when you hug me, i learn just what ""close"" is!
"
"my cat bluebell?she clucks like a hen.
i confess the sound's offputting when
she builds nests. i suspect
that i wouldn't object
if she'd just lay an egg now and then.
"
"at the farm, on vacation in brewster,
in the barn, an old tomcat seduced her.
i recall very well;
it was clear as a bell.
that's the night that she crowed like a rooster.
"
"see his arm? between dimple and pimple
is a fracture; thank goodness it's simple!
he'll avoid a contracture,
as a normal closed fracture
knits well, and with nary a rimple.
"
"the tree called daroo bears a fruit
that is edible, fig-like, and cute.
heart-shaped leaves on each twig
of the sycamore fig
make this useful tree also a beaut.
"
"old calchas, a seer and priest,
told his king, ""sire the west wind has ceased,
so to cross the great water,
give the goddess your daughter,
and to troy you can voyage, at least.""
"
"the beach robin breeds where it's cold;
then it migrates quite widely, i'm told,
and is seen on the beach,
with its breast of bright peach,
and extolled as a traveler that's bold.
"
"""chiropractic's the scariest factor
in treating my back,"" said the actor.
""there's a yank, then compression
i dread at each session?
it feels like a garbage compactor.""
"
"with each chapter performing in sync,
we'll dezincify, quick as a wink.
""what's the point?"" you may ask,
""of this chemical task?""
zinc's a poisonous substance?i think.
"
"the word depurate?what does it mean?
obsolete (though it isn't obscene),
it's a word from the past
that, alas, didn't last.
it means ""purify; make something clean.""
"
"for a year, it's a larva?the mayfly?
so when hatched, it's a hip hip hooray-fly.
but it's really a sad fly;
short-lived is this shadfly.
that's why we have named it the dayfly.
"
"said the parents' committee, beseeching,
""do away with this darwinist teaching!
the truth lies in genesis;
your textbook a menace is.
let your lessons agree with our preaching!""
"
"binomial nomenclature uses
a system that everywhere chooses
two names, scientific?
generic, specific.
neither flora nor fauna refuses.
"
"the bozo who's taken the blame
for the ""outing"" of valerie plame
will in hist'ry go down
for two things as a clown:
he's a fall guy and scooter's his name.
"
"jan and jane and jeannette?the three babbitts?
have cosmetically altered their habits.
creams and powders must be
truly cruelty-free:
never tested on mice or on rabbits.
"
"our next conversation revealed
i'd misspoken, and meant: ""depth of field,""
which the experts advise
rests on aperture size,
so no deal, in this instance, was sealed.
"
"my pacifist friends think me screwy,
and react to my feelings with: ""phooey!""
but i'm dewy-eyed when
i remember the men
who were heroes, like admiral dewey.
"
"a pirate who's good with his dagger
will gather less moss than mick jagger,
then induce in battalions
that guard spanish galleons,
instead of their swagger, a stagger.
"
"""my lover has had an affair.
i'm aware that i haven't a prayer
of repairing my pride,""
de profundis, sy cried?
from the bottom, the depths of despair.
"
"it's a very long journey we'll make
to the holy land. make no mistake:
it is not to the red sea,
but rather the dead sea.
we'll visit the world's lowest lake.
"
"all that's living will have to, some day,
face a fate of demise and decay.
nature tells us we must
decompose?""dust to dust.""
nonplused? we recycle that way.
"
"in spite of hard work and ambition,
i can't seem to gain recognition.
i'll never advance;
they won't give me a chance!
i am stuck in a dead-end position.
"
"see the waterfall? here, from below,
as the water falls down, watch it go.
at its top, you can view
a canoe, which is due
to fall too?it will go with deflow
"
"cytologic, this smear over here
shows a red cell that looks like a sphere,
and the white cells look queer.
it's a new disease, dear;
i'll describe it and boost my career.
"
"in our local cooks' union, brooke hook
became treasurer?man, what a crook!
when the gal was elected,
we'd never suspected
the books were what brooke hook would cook.
"
"faye's too young for a sleeping-away camp,
but this summer she longed for a play camp.
i responded?behold!
now my daughter's enrolled
in a learn-to-write-limericks day camp.
"
"now the sixth, and the man's a buffoon,
he's a skinny old fool (pantaloon),
with his thin, shrunken limbs.
what's so strange about him's:
once a moon, now his face is a prune.
"
"our soldier has now become justice,
as clever and rich as augustus.
rack of lamb with mint jelly
fills his burgeoning belly;
of all ages, this one's the robustest!
"
"teacher roared that our forecast increased her
aggravation. we're out on our keister.
our report? not worth dick, nick;
it spoiled the school picnic.
those clouds brought a storm?a nor'easter.
"
"in the first stage, the infant is mewling,
still a baby, too foolish for schooling.
sure, at puking it's skilled,
but when stomach's unfilled,
then it's off to mom's breast for refueling.
"
"at our poker game, why did mel belt
me so hard on the arm? well, it spelt,
in a physical action,
to his own satisfaction,
his reaction to cards i had dealt.
"
"as we rescued the gal from the river
she was calm?just the cold made her shiver.
to the heavens she waved,
""thanks; i prayed i'd be saved.
deo gratias?knew he'd deliver!""
"
"if someone was killed by a dray
in great britain, way back in the day,
as a deodand, it
would be sold, as was fit,
and the proceeds were given away.
"
"are your mood swings severe and aggressive?
this drug can relieve your excessive
depressive and manic-
type symptoms. don't panic,
as depakote's very impressive.
"
"i'm a chef and it causes me grief
when breadcrumbs, against my belief,
are in meatballs.  i find
that the beefier kind
almost never make customers beef.
"
"i just read an amazing statistic?
the number of gals who have cystic
disease of the breast
is so great, i'd suggest
mother nature's largesse is sadistic.
"
"a deanship's a post as a dean
of a college. the job's not serene.
handling students? a curse,
but the faculty's worse?
prima donna behavior's routine.
"
"brownish tooth stains? here's my diagnosis:
it isn't avitaminosis.
you've imbibed too much fluoride
(not sodium chloride);
you suffer from dental fluorosis.
"
"cytauxzoon disease isn't pretty.
cytozoa infect your sweet kitty
through the bite of a tick.
she becomes very sick.
and it kills her real quick?what a pity!
"
"i'd call willie a creep; he is sleazy.
all his clothing is cheap; it is cheesy.
what? you're planning a scam?
need a mark? i'd pick sam.
i would call him a cream puff?he's easy.
"
"the candidate's manner was fawning:
""all my wonderful friends, a new dawning
i'll bring?panaceas
and bright new ideas
i'm spawning!"" the audience? yawning.
"
"for the rest of my lifetime i will
recollect that most bone-chilling trill
that my dentist produces
with his tool of all uses?
his bought-from-goodwill dentist's drill.
"
"when you glance at this fish, you've no doubt?
from its throat, blood is sputtering out.
but look closer; it's ruddy,
and not really bloody.
red markings define cutthroat trout.
"
"a delta: for greeks, that's a d
in their alphabet, not a or b,
but it's also the land
that's triangular?and
where a river flows into the sea.
"
"to devirginate?rob of virginity?
is a sin for which flynn has affinity.
he has gained some renown
as don juan of our town.
tell your daughters: ""avoid his vicinity!""
"
"of my grandson i cannot be prouder;
he's so smart, i brag longer and louder.
he gives word definitions
without inhibitions:
what's a dentifrice? ""toothpaste or powder!""
"
"in traditional annals of hominal
accouchements, we find the abdominal
delivery (section).
once plagued by infection,
so safe at this time, it's phenomenal.
"
"at the cusp of a wave sits a ship;
then it lowers its bow in a dip.
at the cusp of one's fame
people may know one's name,
and the cusp of an arch is its tip.
"
"the sulfonimide sulfamethoxazole
(not the other one?called sulfisoxazole)
with trimethoprim mixed
has bacteria nixed
in the medicine called co-trimoxazole.
"
"my sales pitch? it isn't abstractable.
the luggage i sell is compactible.
that's the product it hypes:
bags for corporate types?
clientele that, i hope, are attractable.
"
"in the time before noah's great flood,
our shared ancestor crawled from the mud
and established a line.
we're consanguine. divine!
through that stud, we're related by blood.
"
"if in italy you must address a
titled lady and wish to impress a
rowdy crowd, make a bow,
then say (smiling somehow),
""buona sera, celeste contessa!""
"
"when our ancestors felt the vibration
of the earth?its abrupt agitation?
cavemen cringed and were scared;
they were never prepared
for an earthquake?the ground's concussation.
"
"tips on dieting? this one's a winner:
make crab legs each evening for dinner.
picking meat from the shell
is so tedious?hell!?
you'll eat less and grow steadily thinner.
"
"anal crypts?those small sacs in the anus?
get inflamed; then the blamed things will pain us.
it's hard to pass feces.
here's one of my theses:
cryptectomies, jane, can sustain us.
"
"i'm the deputy keeper of bowers
for the town, and look after the flowers.
i work hours each day;
when my boss is away
i assume his executive powers.
"
"""our experiment's hopeful,"" said judd.
""some diseases we'll nip in the bud.
for mosquitoes, this bait
will deoxygenate
(take the oxygen out of) their blood.""
"
"while my boyfriend was boarding the plane,
i pretended to have a sharp pain.
i said, ""ray, go without me.
don't worry about me.
here on earth, at this gate, i'll remain.""
"
"when i die, i am hoping you'll bury
my bones out in old akureyri.
this city in iceland
was once paradise-land,
where i lived, as a youth, and was merry.
"
"jean pierre is a hefty and hairy man;
he is gruff and distrustful, a scary man.
yet his mother avows
that he's good to his cows,
so we buy milk and cheese from this dairyman.
"
"to impress a sweet lady, do this:
you should osculate?smooch with your miss.
but deosculate? aaack!
does that mean ""take it back""?
no, it's just an old word for ""to kiss.""
"
"all my kids run about, and they shout.
try correcting? they whimper and pout.
so from morning till night
it's a daylong fight?quite?
an encounter, day in and day out.
"
"don't employ it for measuring lard,
but it's dandy?the grand cubic yard?
if you're landscaping and
buying gravel or sand.
then it's handy; its use isn't hard.
"
"read this mystery book about stuffin'
stolen jewels in food. the mcguffin?
a false ruby (a tease)
in a cookie (chinese),
while the gem's in a cranberry muffin.
"
"among leading diseases that kill
is the cardiovascular ill.
many folks will depart
when the blood to their heart
becomes blocked. have you made out your will?
"
"pete's been told he has iron depletion,
and anemia caused by excretion
of iron (genetic).
the cause?it's pathetic?
his mother's or dad's gene deletion.
"
"my grandfather had a propensity
to make soup with the utmost intensity.
he cooked chowder so thick
we would stand up a stick
in the bowl to show grandma its density.
"
"as a schoolboy who crawls like a snail,
he procrastinates, cannot prevail.
if you fill the child's head,
and on textbooks he's fed,
as adult he's unlikely to fail.
"
"when our neighbors are loathsome, despicable,
act so badly we feel they are kickable,
and they're sly, underhanded,
then baddies they're branded.
what drives them? it seems inexplicable!
"
"to decide is to make up my mind,
but decision's not easy, i find,
as on juries i sit.
i don't like it one bit
when reminded that justice is blind.
"
"for breakfast, my mom used to spread
jam and butter?on what? cracked-wheat bread,
made from grains that were whacked
till the poor things just cracked.
now i eat english muffins instead.
"
"now a lover, he sings a sad ballad
on a subject all swains will find valid,
and decidedly highbrow
(his mistress's eyebrow)
while wasting away, thin and pallid.
"
"in physics, my future is black;
there are all sorts of facts that i lack,
but i measure elastance?
my favorite pastance?
with the farad, but read from the back.
"
"have we lost all our rhyming criteria?
can we now use the whole cafeteria
of homophones, near rhymes,
and just engineer rhymes,
and not face a colleague's hysteria?
"
"she's magnetic; her smart conversation
can attract any guy in the nation,
but the folks in the know
say it's all a big show.
you get close? there's depolarization.
"
"my congressman acts like a leech,
seeking gifts for his favors from each
of the voters requesting
his help. i'm not jesting.
it's time, i would say, to depeach.
"
"wally's wanted in west colorado;
he plunders with wanton bravado.
when he shoots, he don't miss.
if we ever catch this
desperado, let's use the strappado.
"
"the gist of the dean's proclamation:
he wants departmentalization?
each department its own
way of teaching. i groan;
it's for me an enormous frustration.
"
"our curriculum's blended, holistic,
but our dean finds that witless, simplistic.
he commands: ""departmentalize,
and thus transcendentalize!""
i find his position sadistic.
"
"the gerbil, gazelle, and alpaca
have an anus located in back o'
where they pee, while the birds
drop both urine and turds
from a chamber that's called a cloaca.
?
when i think of a duck and a drake, a
question forms: when they mate, do they make a
massive mess having sex?
is it simple? complex?
with that mixed-purpose pouch?the cloaca?
"
"your noodle, i think you have rocks in.
this test tube is filled with a toxin
called curarine?power
to kill, in an hour,
six bulls, twenty calves, and two oxen.
"
"though his cussing was plain and not fancy,
the couple's position seemed chancy;
feeling antsy, fred cried,
""you're insulting my bride,
my fianc?e?don't manhandle nancy!""
"
"there's a crack in this ship i can't mend.
sos! let's no longer pretend.
we're in trouble, my friend;
we'll deorbit?descend?
or we'll die in this spaceship. the end.
"
"aphasia: it must interfere
with your speaking, although you can hear.
but to make yourself heard
you must sweat every word;
and each sentence arrives with a tear.
"
"i was mortified during our tryst,
when i found, on my face, a large cyst.
said my date, ""goodness gracious?
sebaceous and spacious!""
i'm pissed, as i missed being kissed.
"
"""deregulate!"" lawmakers said,
""it will aid in prosperity's spread.""
so they loosened control.
slackened reins took their toll:
the economy's ailing?half dead.
"
"said an overweight man from st. kitts,
""buying clothes off the rack is the pits!
every coat is too tight
and no trousers hang right.
i can never find clothing that fits!""
"
"""i don't drink,"" said o'brien quite lyingly.
""sure you do,"" said his counselor, sighingly.
""well, ok. i drink beer,
one or two?have no fear?
not a problem,"" he uttered denyingly.
"
"our anatomy quiz? the last straw
was a sketch that they asked us to draw
of the angle that's gonial?
a fine testimonial
to the angle (sans flaw) of the jaw.
"
"when they met, they were both quite excited;
their bodies and souls were ignited.
their glow was so bright
it turned day into night.
their condition? you might say: ""delighted!""
"
"the cusk-eel's not truly an eel,
with those barbels he cannot conceal
that project from his chin.
they're his own ventral fin,
which an eel doesn't have if it's real.
"
"one of florida's beaches?hard-packed?
allowed nascar-type sports to be backed.
part of this state's persona:
the town of daytona
beach?magnet to tourists, fast-tracked.
"
"acid-loving, my plant is in heaven
when ph measures lower than seven.
it will thrive, stay alive
with ph about five,
but will die with a sigh at eleven.
"
"though the meadow has dried and is dewless,
i conclude my companion is clueless.
while dewdrops on grass
won't bespatter my lass,
i consider it crass to go shoeless.
"
"i'm a dean, now, and live in the deanery,
though i take all my meals in a beanery,
where the food is inferior
to the school cafeterior,
but the kids?they're not part of the scenery.
"
"i degerm all my gear to defeat germ-
caused illness. i'm sure that i beat germ-
caused woe, and i know,
if it's wheat that i grow,
by degerming the grain, i'll get wheat germ!
"
"""you'll be needing the patience of job
if, for dinner, you're craving a daube,""
was his girlfriend's response.
""i've no herbes de provence,
and do not say, 'instead, please disrobe.'""
"
"my love for this stuff is extreme.
on a pudding or cake, it's supreme.
while i sleep, so it seems,
in my happiest dreams,
i am feasting on devonshire cream.
"
"i suspect that the plumber's not coming.
i've succumbed to despair, and it's bumming
me out. it's appalling?
i soon will be crawling
in the crawlspace to look at the plumbing.
"
"""as a yankee in france, i am courtable,""
sarah said, but a fetus?abortable?
soon created a scandal.
she was too hot to handle.
the judges pronounced, ""she's deportable!""
"
"the da vinci code did very well
in the bookstores?a wonderful sell.
guess the sales won't explode
for the cadbury code.
(but the chocolates are selling like hell!)
"
"princess salome sure was a darer.
for her stepdad, she danced and got barer.
she said, ""pay me what's aptest?
the head of the baptist.
you promised, so what could be fairer?""
"
"if you're sure your life story is tellable,
don't engrave it in stone?make it delible.
parts can then be erased
if you wish to seem chaste
and those rumors you faced are dispellable.
"
"certain stuff is unstable. it may
show a radioactive decay.
there are alpha rays, beta,
and gamma?my data
display just how much of each ray.
"
"the counselor heard the man utter
in an innocent tone, soft as butter,
a clear-cut denial,
and replied with a smile,
""let's first get you out of the gutter.""
"
"in that cap, i would look quite a fright.
in the old days, they wore it at night?
my god! what a hassle?
this point and this tassel?
i'll drink all my nightcaps?all right?
"
"compensatory damages are
what i sued for when drunks wrecked my bar.
though my lawsuit's a go,
it won't pay all i owe?
but my lawyer will buy a new car.
"
"upper management types, we've aspired
to be classy when somebody's fired.
he's too young to retire?
well, it's rather less dire
to tell myron he's being dehired.
"
"the manhunt was easy to mount. he
assigned several teams to each county
in the west of the state.
the reward was so great
that the killer was sought?for the bounty.
"
"""deglazing's removing the gloss
from a porcelain piece,"" said my boss,
and i found it amazing.
i'd thought that deglazing
was adding some wine to make sauce!
"
"my knee has degenerative arthritis.
the problem is found in the situs
where cartilage sits.
worn and raggedy, it's
broken up into painful detritus.
"
"the cynosure grabs our attention,
or it guides, to allay apprehension,
or, in caps, it's the north
star. next meaning (the fourth)?
ursa minor, i also should mention.
"
"at the airport, my dad was detained.
there they kept him, and there he remained.
""we're so clever,"" they thought.
""a prime terrorist caught!""
a computer glitch?anarchy reigned.
"
"""after hurricanes, clearing detritus
will seldom delight us,"" said titus.
""from moving debris,
i'll get pains in the knee?
it is sure to ignite my bursitis.""
"
"every week, on my sunday excursion,
i try to surprise the old persian.
my approaches are deft:
i sneak up from stage left,
then he turns to the right?dextroversion.
"
"we work such long hours, i fear
that our comp time will not disappear
'less the boss makes a deal?
to erase the time, he'll
close our company down for a year.
"
"to my niece, who seems never to cease
finding parts of my car to degrease:
""drop the rag! give me peace!
quit your silly caprice!
i don't own it; it's just on a lease.""
"
"i feel threatened?a bad situation;
we can't have a calm conversation.
let's de-escalate tension
for conflict prevention.
we'll profit from de-escalation.
"
"his behavior is shameful, degrading?
neath my window, each night, serenading.
it brings me dishonor.
keep it up? i'm a goner?
my good reputation is fading.
"
"cut some fabric?a circular disk.
it will take lots of cloth; that's a risk,
but your circle skirts' shapes
will have beautiful drapes.
with good marketing, sales will be brisk.
"
"said his mate, ""all religion is notional?
it's all theory, and faith is emotional.
let us call 'sos'
on our radio?stress
less reliance on methods devotional.""
"
"a pirate who's good with his blade
can cut down eighty men in a raid,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to cower and cry ""we're betrayed!""
"
"in our parlor, a davenport sits;
just between the two windows it fits.
once the name was a brand,
made by hand, and it's grand?
you can build them at home now, from kits!
"
"""on our final exam, god forbid,
they may ask us to classify squid!
tell me quickly?ensifera?""
""no, acetabulifera.""
""gesundheit!"" ""you fool, i just did!""
"
"a physician required definition
for the medical term deglutition.
she discovered the following?
its meaning is ""swallowing""?
in dorland's (the latest edition).
"
"a blue ribbon (the french: cordon bleu)
is the prize they awarded to yeux
for your blueberry jam
and your veal stuffed with ham.
you can make cordon bleu, mom? who kneux!
"
"shed a tear for the dhaman, a snake.
from its hide, ladies' shoes people make,
and they also make purses.
this colubrid's curse is
its beautiful skin?a mistake.
"
"his novel conceptual model
was designed to appease and to coddle
the profs who had taught him,
but his diagram brought him
disgrace?they declared it was twaddle.
"
"we work in a company town
that is owned by the boss, mr. brown.
we all live, with our spouses,
in company houses;
no wonder the thought gets me down.
"
"zack the squatter was slow to react.
""i am keeping my cabin intact.
i've some rights, it appears?
i've been there thirty years,
de facto (yes, really)?in fact.""
"
"the adityas are gods of the sun.
there are twelve; for each month there is one.
aditi's their mother
so each is a brother;
in the vedas their stories are spun.
"
"once her summer at camp had begun,
i asked, ""hon, are you having much fun?""
""mom, my counselor's the best!
she is called ana pest.
i've been rhyming in jest since day one.""
"
"all my life, darier's dread disease,
of my skin, from my chin to my knees,
on my back and my belly,
caused splotches quite smelly,
which heal, then get worse by degrees.
"
"when i'm auctioning orchids, and jim bids,
i expect it is one of his dim bids.
he isn't a florist,
but lives in the forest
and won't pay the price for my cymbids.
"
"""...and doctor, i guess i should mention:
i've formed a portentous intention.
i'm planning a homicide?
both poppa- and momma-cide.""
(it's time for a crisis intervention.)
"
"jack's factory's now a closed shop.
union membership starts at the top?
all except for the boss,
who feels lost and is cross?
and goes down to the guy with the mop.
"
"later on, when depression has lifted,
and my mood has improved, i feel gifted
by some merciful deity.
from despair to tee-hee-ity
has my view of the universe shifted.
"
"my sib's sick. she's an overachiever,
but her questioning prof won't believe her.
now this festering blister
on the lip of my sister
(a cold sore) is proof of her fever.
"
"in macbeth, raw ambition commands
duncan's murder. its aftermath lands
lady m. in a heap
of distress. in her sleep,
she compulsively washes her hands.
"
"do you have to employ condottieri?
these soldiers of fortune are scary!
they're hairy as apes,
and they wear, neath their capes,
hidden weapons?you'd better be wary!
"
"she's admired wherever she goes
(though in china at first, i suppose),
but this beautiful pixie
now populates dixie?
we call her confederate rose.
"
"shakespeare's feasts were not sweetless or meatless
in his plays, and disputes never heatless.
whether comic or tragic,
his works were all magic,
intelligent, never conceitless.
"
"the connexon (it's called the gap junction)
is important to cardiac function.
its connexins?all six?
join so liquids can mix
up and back without any compunction.
"
"caveman dana, inventor with vision,
made a carefully thought-out decision.
yes, he made up his mind
that his next major find
would most surely be nuclear fission.
"
"""for the boys' room, a bunk bed,"" said mother.
""that's two beds?one stacked on the other.""
but i doubt she will buy one.
i'd fall from the high one,
or, sleeping, i'd pee on my brother.
"
"a colubrid snake you may see
in the water, on land, up a tree.
their many varieties
cause people anxieties,
though they're mostly benign (poison-free).
"
"i'm confused when you use the word cush.
is it cake made of cornflour mush?
or a guy in the bible?
or land that was tribal,
found out in the african bush?
"
"the decalogue, given to moses
by jehovah, was no bed of roses.
it made moral demands,
and today it still stands,
though it's often ignored, one supposes.
"
"to me, gran and grandpa were giants.
they were fearsome and brooked no defiance.
if i pined for a treat,
i'd be helpful and sweet;
if i whined, that engendered deniance.
"
"denmark satin: a fabric you'd use
for a ballgown to wear on a cruise?
no, it isn't ethereal;
it's heavy material
that's woven to make ladies' shoes!
"
"miss bliss had a surgical wound,
and below it the tissue ballooned.
then her sister said this:
""soon your wound will dehisce,
or split open!"" miss bliss promptly swooned.
"
"if a knowledge of all of the facts
of her life?all her thoughts, all her acts?
makes your girlfriend seem frightful
instead of delightful,
we'd say that such knowledge detracts.
"
"in december we see, every day,
the creche?that sweet christmas display.
mary, joseph, and jesus?
the sight seems to please us
till march?time to put it away!
"
"desdemona, the wife of othello,
had thought he was loving and mellow
till she lost an old hankie.
he assumed hanky-panky
and offed her?an odd sort of fellow!
"
"in galway, the mayor was clean-handed,
though his aides were all greedy, boneen-handed,
and were guilty of fraud; it
was found in an audit.
they complained the police had been mean-handed.
"
"for years i have studied karate;
my progress, alas, has been spotty.
too old for the classes,
i mourn how time passes.
(my trainer, a lass, was a hottie.)
"
"please shake hands with my new cruzan chum;
from st. croix my new boyfriend has come.
he is here for a visit.
i dig him?or is it
that gallon of fine cruzan rum?
"
"it's a genus i love: commelina;
these flowers are native to china.
its blue blooms, it appears,
people call widow's tears,
but for me, they're more cheerful, benigner.
"
"we humans?we think we're unbeatable,
yet i fear we are truly defeatable
if we waste and despoil
our sweet air and rich soil.
nature's bounty on earth is depletable.
"
"""persevere!"" my old prof used to preach.
""any prize you pursue's within reach!
pull no punches, plunge in,
pay the price and you'll win?
though it won't be a day at the beach.""
"
"cryotherapy? that's what you'll try,
dr. weepington? please tell me why!
though i think?am i dreaming??
some treatments use screaming,
this wart won't come off if i cry.
"
"as of friday i've started a test
to discover which sleeping pill's best.
i've tried five?none's superior.
each morning i'm blearier,
but i've certainly had lots of rest.
"
"cyanocitta cloud my cat's days,
as they taunt him with tempting displays.
without mercy they tease him;
good lord, would it please him
to catch and devour new world jays!
"
"""a curing light? something beneath
which one sits to be cured?"" queried keith.
he seemed greatly enthused.
i replied, ""no, it's used
to attach certain brackets to teeth.""
"
"a disease with results that are tragic,
black measles (it's called  hemorrhagic),
has no treatment or cure,
but what's more, and for sure,
vaccination prevents it?like magic!
"
"keeping liquids quite cold is a task.
""would an ice chest suffice?"" you may ask.
no. a large dewar vessel?
without it we'd wrestle
with warming. we must have this flask!
"
"if you desecrate something, you soil it,
degrade it, debase it, despoil it.
you regret being mean,
and you now want it clean?
no, i doubt it will help if you boil it.
"
"if they buzz a depressomotor nerve,
i will lose my elan and my verve;
i'll be slowed, like a slug.
a depressomotor drug
does the same?so my doctors observe.
"
"would a gentleman ever defame
an ex-lover, last season's old flame?
would he tell nasty lies
and not even disguise
her identity? call her by name?
"
"seems whatever he's talking about,
bert is certain; he hasn't a doubt
that he's got all the facts,
so if someone reacts
with  misgivings, he throws the guy out.
"
"this journal's first class; it costs plenty,
but it's read by well-bred cognoscenti.
i've submitted two pieces;
my disquiet increases.
they'll publish me, deo volente.
"
"when i visited hank, to be frank,
the guestroom was dreary and dank,
the old tv went blank,
and the food he served stank.
hey! i hope i don't sound like a crank!
"
"""rare birds are my passion,"" cried ted.
""this blue parrot,"" voiced ned, ""is well bred.""
""i do not want a blue bird!
i want a cushewbird!""
""gesundheit!"" the pet shop clerk said.
"
"nothing good ever came from despair.
you'd surrender and just cease to care.
you'd reside in the gloom
of an ominous doom,
so beware and don't ever go there.
"
"this portrait of lincoln's depictive
of old age?so it's got to be fictive.
he's white-haired and toothless.
in a world that was boothless,
it might have been somewhat predictive.
"
"see the schedule? it's showing the time
of departure as seven, so i'm
putting hope in abeyance.
if this public conveyance
leaves by nine, i will find it sublime.
"
"folks declare it's an odd eccentricity,
but in living, i treasure simplicity.
my abode on the cape,
hexahedral in shape,
cost a million for basic cubicity.
"
"wild dholes prefer hunting in packs,
and these dogs can make savage attacks.
this may give you a scare,
but, endangered and rare,
they will not be found here?so relax!
"
"her portrait just can't be replaced;
now it's ruined, my girlfriend's disgraced.
the sketch of my sweetie,
now under graffiti,
has been, people tell her, defaced.
"
"when her portrait was marred, a defacer
drew a mustache. i took an eraser,
but couldn't reclaim 'er?
the drawing looked lamer.
i'm thinking i'll have to replace 'er.
"
"after dinner with doris, my aunt,
i had ordered a large cr?me de menthe.
she exclaimed, ""cr?me de menthe?
what a moldy green tint!""
(that odd lady calls me ""dilettante""!)
"
"days are darkening early?it's fall,
and each sunset predicts winter's pall.
soon we'll turn on the heat
and wear boots on our feet.
i have never liked autumn at all!
"
"i complain about methods dentistic;
i consider them crude and sadistic.
it is not 'cause i've got
a whole mouthful of rot.
my opinion is quite realistic.
"
"once as macho as, well, norman mailer,
as he aged, dad looked paler and frailer,
but he sailed on the bay
in his sloop every day.
i will never forget that day sailor.
"
"fragrant oils are what aussies refine
from a tree called the black cypress pine,
so we don't need to wonder
why they prize it down under?
and as lumber, its wood is divine.
"
"the teens had a great explanation:
they were giving a free demonstration
of communal unzipping?
denudement, or stripping.
what a way to display denudation!
"
"my grandma says life's full of danger?
i never should speak with a stranger.
if she'd lived when the bible
took place, she'd be li'ble
to cry, ""don't give birth in a manger!""
"
"when i went to our annual dance,
i was horrified, looking askance
at his knobbly knees
that protruded from these
ragged cutoffs that once were his pants.
"
"deathwatch beetles have one clever trick.
as they bore into wood, the bugs click.
though we once thought them dire,
nowadays we admire
the bug's antics?they give us a kick.
"
"i won't cry; i'm not likely to bawl
if i'm ""having a ball""  in the hall
where the ball's being held,
though i've never excelled
in what's called ballroom dancing, at all.
"
"here's my spy's last report. it's disclosable?
she's certain the king is deposable.
let's not overrate him?
his courtiers all hate him;
the peasants all hope he's disposable.
"
"i am studying medical facts.
hit a tendon?its muscle contracts.
such a tap makes your knee flex.
it's called a deep reflex?
and thus normal muscle reacts.
"
"a decemvirship gave a man pride.
one of ten on a council, he tried
to act wisely, with wit,
so this fact would be writ
on the tombstone put up when he died.
"
"in my youth, i was known for intrepidness.
as i aged, people noticed some tepidness.
well, i'm now 95,
and just glad i'm alive.
i'm not stressed by my growing decrepitness.
"
"mr. gray's over eighty, i'd say,
though he claims to be fifty. he may
think his story's believed,
but we won't be deceived;
his decrepitude gives him away.
"
"with his spray can, the teenager, tracingly,
put a mark on the building defacingly.
not initials, he, shyly,
traced a face that was smiley.
now he's using remover, erasingly.
"
"cousin dexter, who lives in detroit,
is so dextrously skilled he'll exploit
his advantaged condition
in a job as magician.
his fingers are highly adroit.
"
"the critic's opinion was drastic?
devastatingly funny (sarcastic).
in reviewing her fan dance
he proposed we should ban dance
that claims in its ads ""it's fan-tastic!""
"
"scott continued: ""i guess i forgot
that currencies vary a lot,
and world finance has powers
to devaluate ours,
so none has a permanent slot.""
"
"""this fabric i won in a foray.
it's velvet, imprinted (devore);
for a gown, what appeal!""
said my dressmaker, neil.
""i abhor it,"" i snapped?like a moray.
"
"i love words, and i'll make this confession:
some obsolete ones, like decretion,
meaning ""downturn,"" amuse me.
they never confuse me;
i use them each day with expression.
"
"""my buddies and i have a credo,""
said the horniest guy in toledo.
""let's make love, and not war!
it brings sweethearts galore,
thus assuaging my mammoth libido.""
"
"this tablet is dedicatory;
it honors the fight for old glory
on this field that was muddy,
but later turned bloody.
with corpses strewn round, it was gory.
"
"""while i wait, i take walks in the forest.
i've become an accomplished guitarist;
but the throne's what i'm seeking.
politically speaking,
i remain a fanatical czarist.""
"
"dental follicles: growing beneath
the gums of a baby?the sheath
that will grow, in a while,
to be part of her smile?
they're the sacs of developing teeth.
"
"we write limericks one at a time; it
is difficult, sometimes, to rhyme. it
is fruitless to blame
them; no two are the same,
as each verse has its own cryptoclimate.
"
"when you visit my house as a guest,
please be sure you're not overly dressed.
shed your assets and stocks,
shed your shoes and your socks,
and the rest?not forgetting de vest.
"
"""what, buttons that grow on a tree?""
i asked phoebe, ""just how can that be?""
then she said that we could
get a hard, heavy wood
from the tree?just the blossoms are wee.
"
"dee was honest, naive, and deceitless.
she met stan, who seemed strong and defeatless,
but stanley was brash,
and ran off with her cash?
left her heatless, and meatless, and sheetless.
"
"""if the homies respect you,"" ned said,
""in the 'hood, you've got plenty of cred,
and with your credibility,
you won't face hostility;
without it, friend fred, you'd be dead!""
"
"said dan deere to a deer, ""though you know
i'm not rich, dear, i do love you so!""
she replied, ""dan, i fear
i'm a doe, not your dear,
and you can't win a dear without dough!""
"
"he adores taking naps, and he's lazy;
dagwood bumstead can drive his boss crazy.
though he's bumbling and schnooky
(ask blondie and cookie),
his doggie admires him?that's daisy.
"
"you have heard of this conflict before,
and you probably thought it a bore,
but this terrible strife
will at last come to life?
you'll explore this sad war to know more.
"
"said the host, ""dig right in!"" (so empoweringly,
that my appetite rocketed toweringly).
i approached the buffet
like a food devotee?
not a dainty gourmet, but devouringly.
"
"our new dancer is thin as a needle.
she can dance to a march or a tweedle,
and can jump to great height
with a landing that's light,
but she's right-footed, quite dextropedal.
"
"datura's a plant of a breed
that is poisonous, users concede,
and its primary menace is
hallucinogenesis.
that's why it's called devil's weed.
"
"when nerves cross, they display decussation;
i can offer a fine demonstration,
so i'll not only pass,
i'll be first in our class?
with a full and detailed explanation.
"
"in the days before daphne was dead,
a deathwatch was held near her bed,
and as part of the vigil
an astrologer's sigil
was painted in red on her spread.
"
"though the wasp eggs and larvae are small,
in the oak, they make many a gall.
these wasps, called cynipid,
may to us sound insipid,
but the tree may be damaged and fall.
"
"jeff, a sheriff from east tennessee,
for the senate, is my designee.
he is strict ""law and order"";
he'll seal off our border
(to those who don't pay him a fee).
"
"tales of hoffman? you'll find dapertutto
a villain as brutal as bluto.
he, in evil perfection,
steals hoffman's reflection.
and dispatches his soul off to pluto.
"
"said the czarowitz, son of the czar?
he's the guy with the big black cigar?
""of this realm i'll be head
once my daddy is dead,
but he seems in fine fettle so far.""
"
"tight-lipped benny had asked me to sup;
i was happy and really dressed up.
over coffee was when
he said, ""cupulate?"" then
i freaked out. (it means ""shaped like a cup."")
"
"said jacques derrida, ""let's deconstruct
the world's lit'rature. then we'll conduct
a new journey to knowledge.
we'll teach it in college;
the old ways of thinking we've chucked!""
"
"today, if a group or a nation
is said to display debacchation,
we conclude that they're drunks
and they're sex-crazy punks
to deserve such a bad reputation.
"
"she is found among greek goddess greats.
she is lachesis, one of the fates.
called decima in latin,
she's weavin' and chattin'
with nona and morta?her mates.
"
"it isn't a word we use often.
as time passes, such words tend to soften
in their impact. i must
say this word for a crust
on a pudding's now dust: custard coffin.
"
"""you maintain in my bed there's a skunk.
i can prove what you're saying is junk,""
i said, pulling the spread.
eddie said, blushing red,
""you have done quite enough to debunk.""
"
"stacey's arguments? awfully persuasive.
this tropical plant is abrasive.
this vine, climbing fern,
has done a bad turn
to the southern u.s.?it's invasive.
"
"whether oral or or set down in writing,
these acts will bring outcomes exciting.
you can never ignore
declarations of war?
the pronouncements that start all the fighting.
"
"""so the brass just declassed you. alas,""
said his mom. ""now you're out on your ass!
but do not feel depressed,
since to me you're still best,
and the rest you will always surpass.""
"
"once the guy had a certain cachet?
seems that polo's the game he would play,
but the funds he'd amassed,
with his youth, quickly passed,
and his status: declassed, d?class?.
"
"in my eyelid, a painful sensation
provides me the notification
that the damned thing's inflamed;
lashes fall. it is named
for depluming?it's called deplumation.
"
"to deck up is to primp, overdress,
as you do when you long to impress
other folks with finesse,
so they'll spot your noblesse.
the result? i'll confess?you're a mess.
"
"winston churchill made firm declamations
which his critics declared provocations.
churchill's vehement oratory
was direct, not exploratory.
his steadfastness energized nations.
"
"the king ruled his land with depravedness;
few could rival his badly-behavedness.
he would tax the poor peasants
to buy himself presents.
they wailed and complained of enslavedness.
"
"we consider the earth really  sweet,
with free resources; thus we deplete
nature's gifts year by year.
they will soon disappear,
and we'll cry in our beer?in defeat.
"
"pater's lust was the basic creator
of his manhood's desire to grow greater.
he'd approach a young miss
with intention to kiss.
her response with a slap? his deflator.
"
"the physics department, impressed
by a lecture today from a guest,
heard ""the a-test?my story.""
but his tale was so gory,
to its truthfulness none could attest.
"
"the car crash caused more than a scare.
in my bladder, it seems there's a tear.
says my doc, ""what you need
is a cystoplasty, reid?
that's a surgical bladder repair.""
"
"as i petted the kitten's soft fur,
first she made what i thought was a purr,
but the next sound i heard
was a bit like a bird?
like hearing a mourning dove curr.
"
"if you're learning to drive, there is much
you must learn?regulations and such?
and i'll act as a crutch
till you've gotten the touch
for smooth shifting each time you declutch.
"
"declaratory sentence? the same
as declarative sentence. my claim:
such a sentence should draw
from declaratory law
but, for shame, i am wrong and to blame.
"
"mozart's opera, way back in the day,
had a premise that led to dismay.
guys trade places, disguised,
woo fianc?es; surprised?
gals succumb. women all act that way.
"
"a depressed bearded lady appears;
then, weeping, she orders two beers.
""with my diabetes
i ought to eat wheaties,
but i'm drinking?i've got achard-thiers.""
"
"every book in our school, every text,
is degenderized; kids are perplexed.
when a sex text surrenders,
and stops naming genders,
we shrug and we wonder?what's next?
"
"a spirochete germ is the cause
of an illness that may affect jaws,
but when it makes holes
down below, in your soles,
then it's crab-yaws, not regular yaws.
"
"though from bookkeeping rules she won't deviate,
she is seeking a way to alleviate
her firm's debt that is mounting.
""creative accounting
will save us!"" (...or so she'll abbreviate.)
"
"see those bumps on his neck? they're not jewels,
nor the scars that he got fighting duels.
sometimes kings laid their hands
on such scrofulous glands,
in the past, when the growths were called cruels.
"
"to have clients set free, he'd resort
to tactics in criminal court
that made judges see red.
""you are not, sir, well-bred,""
said judge dread, ""i'm compelled to report.""
"
"in a currach, a boat made of hides,
my ancestors often took rides.
and did some of them cross
the atlantic, and toss
on the ocean's great currents and tides?
"
"son, i fear i must ask you to jettison
your plans to pursue dental medicine.
dental school lasts forever.
you're young and you're clever;
become an inventor like edison!
"
"""we've flown high (please consult the altimeter),
as we surveyed this county's perimeter.""
""i've had some intimation
they've a dense population.
to find out, can we use a densimeter?""
"
"here's the method to densify wood:
heat it up and compress it real good,
then impregnate it with
certain additives. myth
said it couldn't be done, but it could!
"
"said a food-selling fellow in delhi,
""out of town, where it's hilly and delly,
there i sell pappardelle,
and sweets (ghirardelli),
in my indian brooklyn-style deli.""
"
"on the ship, when he traveled to venice,
denny's friend played a lot of deck tennis.
throwing rings may seem easy,
but when he felt queasy
and seasick, this guy was a menace.
"
"this painting portrays an old druid.
one can see, if it's properly view?d,
there's a bump on his nose,
which may be, i suppose,
something cystiform, filled with a fluid.
"
"one-eyed moses, an old ethiopian,
thought his life and the world were utopian,
yet he'd howl when he would
not be well understood
when he spoke of himself as cyclopean.
"
"fanny's femur was bent. it looked twisted.
""it is not growing straight,"" doc insisted.
""i must operate now.
can you pay?"" ""don't know how?
my insurance plan's awfully tight-fisted.""
"
"an indian architect, velli,
planned a courthouse, then added dentelli.
""it won't cost us millions
to add these modillions,""
she said, ""to my building in delhi.""
"
"one fine night i looked up at the sky, 'n'
saw denebola (tail of the lion),
and i yodeled con brio,
""i love you, dear leo,
a king of the jungle who's flyin'!""
"
"the great daedalus, ancient inventor,
to son icarus acted as mentor.
he constructed a maze,
then built wings with wax glaze,
though he was, in the end, a repenter.
"
"mother claims there's complete demonstrability
that my father has reached his senility.
""he has lost his agility,
his manhood, virility;
but i savor,"" she  said, ""the tranquility.""
"
"it's a very distasteful sensation,
producing distress and frustration.
when someone defames you,
it surely inflames you?
you suffer from gross denigration.
"
"aegyptus, the father of fifty,
told his twin, ""my conception is nifty;
all your daughters they'll wed!""
with them danaus fled.
said aegyptus, ""he gypped us?he's shifty!""
"
"when bella and i said farewell
in the lounge of a delhi hotel,
my resolve never fell;
i was under the spell
of dessert?a swell cr?me caramel.
"
"my boy-obsessed granddaughter sarah
grew up on the french riviera
with an early proclivity
for mating activity.
at twelve she took depo-provera.
"
"many decibels show something's loud,
like this rowdy, appreciative crowd.
the strength of their revel?
the decibel level?
means they're wowed by your singing. be proud!
"
"there was blood in my urine one day.
i went straight to my doc. she said, ""hey!
x-rays soon will reveal
what is wrong, and i feel
that your cystogram's likely okay.""
"
"in some fluids, a gas is dissolved.
to remove it, these methods evolved:
using vacuum, or heat,
or with chemicals. neat!
deaeration? the problem is solved.
"
"said the king, ""i don't like to behead
my dear subjects. my pleasure, instead,
comes from hearing my tortures
bring screams from my courtiers.
they don't make much noise when they're dead!""
"
"the king and his consort were wed.
in the castle that evening, she said,
""dear, this place is dilapidated.
it's time you decapitated
your chamberlain!""?planning ahead.
"
"in new orleans, my aunt eats cush-cush,
made of cornmeal and sugar?a mush.
though it makes her euphoric,
it's highly caloric.
the fat all collects in her tush.
"
"mimi hatched a nefarious scheme
that made all of her french teachers scream.
she sold shares in a store
that's not there anymore;
and she took them for every decime.
"
"dad was sent to the nursing home, where
he'd be treated. we didn't despair
till we made our first visit.
now we wonder why is it
there's only custodial care.
"
"all the creatures on earth reproduce,
like the cougar, the moose, and the goose,
and it's called cytogenic
when germ cells (not splenic)
are those of which nature makes use.
"
"neither jew, nor believer in deism,
nor a christian, steve practices treeism?
an autistic invention
of his own, i should mention?
it's a product of steven's dereism.
"
"though his thinking is unrealistic,
i don't classify steve as a mystic.
divorced from reality,
he lacks practicality;
his thinking is quite dereistic.
"
"of our teacher, james isn't afraid.
he maintains she's a crazy old maid,
and in inkwells he dips
paper clips and the tips
of the painstaking plaits mom would braid.
"
"i look back on the deal unbelievingly?
how my broker beguiled me deceivingly.
""these investments can't lose,'""
he cajoled, ""don't refuse!""
now i'm singing the blues, sighing grievingly.
"
"dendroica: beautiful bird?
as a warbler, it's frequently heard.
while the male bird is gaudy
whenever he's bawdy,
the female looks more like a nerd.
"
"to college bud took all his junk?
and it spilled to the floor from his trunk.
when his roommate attacked,
""it's a mess here!"" bud cracked,
""that's not fact! there's no junk on de bunk!""
"
"i see deneb, in cygnus (the swan),
every autumn, outside on my lawn.
it's the ""tail of the hen,""
which shines lustrously; then
comes the dawn and bright deneb is gone.
"
"if you depredate something, you pillage.
you can plunder a city or village.
you can pull out the stops
and steal all of their crops,
leaving nothing but waste in their tillage.
"
"my broker had promised discreetfulness,
but instead the man practiced deceitfulness.
he used his discretion
to wangle possession
of my assets?and that i call cheatfulness!
"
"""thought an element, once, it was named
decipium,"" raymond exclaimed.
""new ideas came along;
seems the chemist was wrong.
the original claimant was shamed.""
"
"a symbol of wealth and of glitz, a
grand lady of russia who pits a
bon mot with the wits,
and with potentates sits?
a description that fits a czaritza.
"
"as we sped down the wide autostrada,
tess confessed, ""my supreme desiderata
(though i know this will trouble you)
are benz, bmw,
and jaguar?the whole enchilada!""
"
"what is cytoplasm? this worthy term
tells a lot about cells. i'll affirm
that for function it's needed.
it's always succeeded?
except in those gametes called sperm.
"
"sinusitis is prone to produce
a copious discharge, profuse.
we'll control buck's defluxion
by using this suction.
should he choke, we would have no excuse.
"
"cutting out? that's a term for ablation,
by a surgeon, and by operation,
but it also means ""fleeing,""
as from work, to go skiing,
or take an impromptu vacation.
"
"andromache's fate will be grave.
though her husband tries bravely to save
his fine city, it's tragic?
no goddess brings magic.
troy's conquered, she's captured?a slave.
"
"your highness, this crime was most heinous.
this crook stole a statue of janus
from the castle's front door,
and he claims, what is more,
it belongs in a crypt on uranus.
"
"in ninth-century england, the main law
in much of the country was danelaw ?
as the danes, by and large,
were the people in charge ?
not a church law, but rather profane law.
"
"the new deputy sheriff rides in;
he's an aide with a badge made of tin.
what a brute! we're supposin'
we know why he's chosen?
he's kin. seems the sheriff's his twin.
"
"beach strawberries, juicy and red,
are the wild ones from which men have bred
the sweet fruit that's well known
and commercially grown?
and to fruit lovers frequently fed.
"
"there's the cypress?a kind of a tree,
and there's cyprus, an isle in the sea.
in pond droplets applied
to a microscope slide,
a crustacean, the cypris, will be.
"
"you should cut away branches from trees
when they're dead; they might fall in a breeze.
there's a cutaway shot
in my film?from a spot
in the bedroom, to mice eating cheese.
"
"encephalitis is never good news.
that of dawson paints life in dark hues.
though she'd formerly smiled,
after measles, your child
becomes ill, then your dear one you lose.
"
"have you ever gone out on a date
with a guy you have now come to hate?
when you clearly refused,
were you bruised and abused?
he apologized later? too late!
"
"this family's not very nice.
stay away from them?that's my advice.
on the fin or the tail
of a dolphin or whale
are cyamidae?whales' nasty lice.
"
"seeking justice, i started a dharna
on a street in bulgaria (varna),
but the roman who'd canned me
did not understand me?
he thought i was praying to carna.
"
"here's a word that is rare, obsolete.
without it our list's not complete.
it's a noun; means ""decree.""
a defeat it would be
if i couldn't find use for decrete.
"
"he is blessed with a beautiful bod,
and his roles range from weird to just odd,
but the wonderful rep
of the star johnny depp
won the role of (my god!) sweeney todd.
"
"our profits have fallen?oh my!?
and the decrement's size makes me cry.
this year's sales figures are
our firm's lowest by far,
and i fear that our market's run dry.
"
"cursores is one of those words
that can make our poor brains turn to curds,
as we can't figure out
what you're talking about;
is it spiders you mean? is it birds?
"
"the mambas of genus dendraspis
are snakes, though they're not atractaspis.
both are dangerous creatures
with poisonous features.
we're much better off with a raspis.
"
"hindu prayers are beginning at noon?
there's a kirtan (we also say dhoon).
while the leader is chanting,
time passes, supplanting
the sun with the light of the moon.
"
"a bunny preparing for easter
dropped all of her eggs. this increased her
inept reputation.
the rabbits' foundation
has booted her out on her keister!
"
"see again what i've not seen before?
be again what i've not been, once more?
though such statements will cause
more chagrin than applause,
such annoyance i've learned to ignore.
"
"what's a deficit? something that's missing,
like good manners in someone who's dissing,
like the cash you've not got
when you've spent quite a lot,
or, in romance, a shortfall of kissing.
"
"it's a symbol i use very freely
when i edit: the curlicued dele.
most writing's improved
when the chaff is removed?
true in english and (really!) swahili.
"
"unrelated to vegetal chic,
zeke's products are truly unique.
his odor-free wipers,
and hyper-dry diapers
are all, without fail, antileak.
"
"this lady has dercum's disease?
fatty tumors from shoulders to knees
that are causing much pain.
diagnosis is plain.
every one of her doctors agrees.
"
"a cytogeneticist? what
do i think he might do? here's a shot?
he examines and spells
out genetics of cells,
from their chromosomes. right, am i not?
"
"an anxious young man from manila
was caught 'tween charybdis and scylla.
said his dad, ""marry jill
or i'm changing my will!""
(jill resembled a five-ton gorilla.)
"
"his self-concept?  a stud who is cheeky?
but he's aging, so joints have grown creaky.
he's lost most of his hair,
yet he feels debonair.
past his peak, so to speak, the man's freaky.
"
"once a month (though the timing is rough)
judy's uterine lining will slough?
undergo denidation?
and cause her vexation
from cramps, if there's spasm enough.
"
"in this demiworld, hoodlums and thugs
have a culture that's centered on drugs.
each develops a need?
whether weed, h, or speed,
and for money to buy it, each mugs.
"
"there's an actor called cage (first name: nicolas)
who can move us to tears and can tickle us.
mom says, ""cage is the rage
among women of age.
he's a sex symbol.""  dad says, ""ridicolas!""
"
"many thanks for the compliment, guys,
on my new ophthalmology prize.
what a tribute you wrote
in your flattering note!
just to read it brings tears to my eyes.
"
"see this rash?  it's red, painful and pulsant.
what i need's an effective demulcent?
a salve that will soothe,
and will make it feel smooth.
no, i don't want a drug that's convulsant.
"
"with a daypack to carry her books,
my niece cookie gets envious looks.
it is stylish and dashin'?
the latest in fashion,
with doohickeys hanging from hooks.
"
"learning botany, joy never ceases
as my grasp of the science increases.
here's a term that's abstruse,
though i find it of use:
it's decemfid?it means ""in ten pieces.""
"
"we do not have to beg or to wheedle
when we're guided by wisdom that's credal.
the gals find us thrillin'
and say, ""we're all willin'?
you guys are as sharp as a needle!""
"
"your crimean adventure may be a
source of fun; you may love the crimea,
but i hope you won't leave 'er
with crimean (gulp!) fever?
worse than travelers' (groan) diarrhea.
"
"circle dancing continued all night,
moving dextrally?that's to the right,
like the hands of a clock,
or my key, to unlock?
prancing brightly in sprightly delight.
"
"decubitus? that's a position
assumed when you have a condition
that keeps you in bed,
neath your blanket and spread,
in the care of your local physician.
"
"you can study a man through fluoroscopy,
or endoscopy?even coloscopy,
but it won't tell you what
kind of fellow you've got.
i can tell at a glance?anthroposcopy.
"
"the bedbug's a terrible pest.
you're infested? you won't get much rest.
when you're trying to sleep,
out from hiding he'll creep
and he'll bite?a most unwelcome guest!
"
"said the chaplain who chats in choate's chapel,
""with outrageous behavior i grapple.
those hip kids who tipple
in the chapel, on ripple,
should sip nothing stronger than snapple.""
"
"jos? cura can sing like a wren (or
more sweetly than most younger men?or
guys greater in age)
on the opera stage,
so engage this remarkable tenor.
"
"to deceive us, our poppa was itchin'.
one day he went into the kitchen,
and when no one was lookin',
he did all the cookin'?
us kids never noticed the switchin'!
"
"said my daughter, ""my greatest desire
for my birthday would be a deep fryer.""
""what, a thoughtful monastic?""
i said, ""that seems drastic!""
""no?a frying pan's what i require!""
"
"every day i consume some red wine,
having heard it would keep my health fine.
i drink every last glass
in the hope, as years pass,
that the obits i read won't be mine.
"
"i've been asked how it feels to arrive
at my birthday (i'm seventy-five).
i don't dwell on what's gone;
life is swell?i move on,
keep my drive?what the hell, i survive.
"
"while he carves out a place in the sun,
marv will struggle?amusement he'll shun?
but his carveout will be
so fulfilling that he
will conclude work itself has been fun.
"
"my ten-month-old daughter won't sleep
since we've started the game of bopeep.
also called peekaboo,
it's a game played by two;
when i quit, she commences to weep.
"
"these eye-drops you'll find cycloplegic.
the reason they're given? strategic:
your doc is desirous
of a dilated  iris.
(it will slow your work bibliopegic.)
"
"read your bible; you'll find it will say
that delilah led samson astray.
he was fearless and strong
while his hair remained long;
then a haircut took power away.
"
"when my grandfather rants, he's loquacious,
and his speech becomes rather vexatious.
he speaks curstfully, and
we must take him in hand,
as his insults are sometimes salacious.
"
"grandpa flies at his foes with head-firstness,
and rails at his rivals with curstness.
he attacks so severely,
i fear most sincerely
his victims will claim reimbursedness.
"
"i frequently use curry powder;
its tang makes my food shout out louder.
made from multiple spices,
it blends, and what's nice is
it's great in a stew or a chowder.
"
"follow all the class rules, and don't deviate.
spell your words out in full?don't abbreviate.
watch your handwriting too;
try your best. if you do,
any problems you have i'll alleviate.
"
"the department head's running the show;
it's to her for decisions we go.
and we all sing her praises,
then ask her for raises
in hopes to obtain quid pro quo.
"
"study function and also geography
of the rectum?  then use defecography.
through the body one peeks,
using x-ray techniques,
function captured in moving photography.
"
"said my grandchildren, ""grandmother, how'd
you enjoy a rock concert? it's loud,
and the stadium's packed.""
 here is how i'd react:
demophobia, fear of a crowd.
"
"i've crown jewels to sell you?regalia,
with gems in the paraphernalia.
you might find the price high.
i'll explain to you why:
these belonged to the king of australia.
"
"there is padding inside of this tank,
so the air seems quite stale, to be frank.
but the crash pads will aid
if we're caught in a raid
and get bumped?the designers we'll thank.
"
"not like rainfall, that sometimes may pound,
nor like snowfall, with whispering sound,
is the forming of drops
on my dandelion tops?
it  is dewfall that dots morning's ground.
"
"two words meaning ""make"" jody chose:
one's construct, and the other's compose.
adding de-, she then got
decompose, meaning ""rot""?
deconstruct line four's prose? jody froze.
"
"serve me crumpets each day with my tea.
although doughy, these wheat breads may be
(save your fake ""english muffin""
for puddin' and stuffin')
the food that brings heaven to me.
"
"when i climb to the top of mount serbal,
in search of a medicine, herbal,
since i seek, i'm a seeker;
when i peek, i'm a peeker?
these  nouns that i use are deverbal.
"
"you can locate cyanobacteria
from the tropics to northern siberia,
and they're not always blue,
though with n, co2,
and some moisture, their lives can't be drearier.
"
"a decemvir, i read in a tome,
was a magistrate, back in old rome?
one of ten men who might
be expected to write
codes of law that would govern their home.
"
"in a fully anaesthetized chimp,
prof injected the drug. she went limp.
she was curarized, and
the prof breathed her by hand.
lacking funds in his lab, prof would scrimp.
"
"polyester and wool leave me squirmin';
i'd prefer wearing satin and ermine.
what i need is a plan
to locate a rich man.
my next move? that, i'll have to determine.
"
"there is doublemint stuck to your chair;
guess some careless old fool left it there.
how i curse that damned bum!
come, we've got to degum.
it's a dumb, wearing chore we can share.
"
"this odd plant that we call devil's tongue
has a foul-smelling flower that's sprung
from an edible corm
in a hideous form.
well, perhaps it is best left unsung.
"
"""for a birthday gift, what shall i send
to my hard-drinking, high-living friend?""
""send a death's-head. he'll mull,
when he looks at that skull,
over life's inescapable end.""
"
"""when i die, all my heirs can relax;
my estate won't be taxed to the max.
what? the death tax? a joke,
when your uncle dies broke.""
the will's signature? that's uncle jack's!
"
"see his delts bulging out on each shoulder?
all those workouts have made russel bolder?
and now when he tussles,
with great deltoid muscles,
he clobbers guys bigger and older.
"
"cruentous? or cruentate? study
reveals that these words once meant ""bloody.""
if you use them, good buddy,
your prose won't be muddy?
but you'll sound like a real fuddy-duddy.
"
"smear paste waxes on tools to stop rust.
between doubting and faithfulness: trust.
arbitrarily placed,
endless thoughts, unerased,
keep my limerick writing robust.
"
"johan botha's a guy who takes charge.
he is built like an old-fashioned sarge,
and in tenor-like fashion
expresses his passion.
his voice is commanding and large.
"
"i was asked for a date by nate dudley.
he is short, and he speaks elmer fudd-ly.
he's a bit overweight,
but he owns an estate,
so i rate him an eight?soft (he's cuddly).
"
"""as i order ice cream,"" said camilla,
""i am caught 'tween charybdis and scylla.
just two choices i find.
i detest either kind?
hate pistachio; can't stand vanilla!""
"
"if you crave a performing career,
persevere; do it year after year.
in the end, like my spouse,
you may bring down the house,
though at first you may bring up the rear.
"
"""it's a long and an arduous road,
and there's science involved,"" said ms joad.
a distinguished cryptanalyst,
she spoke as a panelist
at the bowdoin symposium ""code.""
"
"my neighbor once taught me this, gratis,
and i find that it adds to my status:
points proximal, distal?
in space for each crystal?
their pattern is known as its lattice.
"
"my boyfriends have always maintained
that my meekness is deeply ingrained.
to convention i'm chained.
""just let go,"" they've explained,
""and become d?gag??unrestrained!""
"
"i'm willing to make a prediction:
my stepsister's vivid depiction
of the guy she selected?
""adonis perfected""?
is a work of ridiculous fiction!
"
"bob and ray, in their humor, would gamble
on outlandish ideas. they would ramble
in their radio skits,
and their bits turned out hits.
who's their vocalist flop? barry campbell.
"
"this paperweight's pure crystal glass,
and its sparkle is brilliant.  alas,
yes, it does contain lead?
but you've nothing to dread.
both in safety and style, it's first class.
"
"i've declared it before; i'll reiterate:
a new lover is what i desiderate.
he need not have good looks
if he translates good books?
if he's literate and can transliterate.
"
"your lexicon, now, i'll increase
with a word that i find to be dece,
though it's slang. it means ""fine.""
spell it dees, that's divine,
as the joys of our speech never cease.
"
"tom, who's dressed for the prom in his dorm'll,
in a rented black suit, feel abnormal.
""man, this sucks, as i feared.
in this tux, i look weird?
like a penguin,"" he'll storm, ""in this formal.""
"
"he drank whiskey until he was blotto,
and shamefully chased a tomato.
he defied our belief:
""i'm a big moro chief!
i'm a visiting philippine dato.""
"
"in your mouth there's a curve of occlusion,
where your teeth meet but don't join in fusion.
teeth should grind, but not break
when you're eating a steak,
as two surfaces work in collusion.
"
"in the carriage that carried the prince,
when he married the princess in linz,
if i haven't forgotten,
seats were covered in cotton?
a shiny and flowery chintz.
"
"i told faye (who's divorced?her decision),
""met your ex; we're two souls in collision!
though ray hardly knew me,
he seemed to see through me;
your ex?ray?has marvelous vision!""
"
"i attended a s?ance, in session,
as a skeptic?i'll make that confession?
but i didn't find tedium:
i observed, in the medium,
demonianism?that means ""possession.""
"
"it was over by seven o'clock.
we survived, with some help from our doc.
""you're all medically clear,
so rejoice with good cheer.
there's not one decompression-type shock!""
"
"what's a death chamber? horrible place!
executions are held in its space.
people sentenced to death
draw their last earthly breath
and depart from this life in disgrace.
"
"i am careful, alert as a sentry,
in my bookkeeping work for the gentry,
as i know they'll regret
any dubious debt?
so i triple-check each debit entry.
"
"""i can fix the boat's engine,"" said buddy,
""but i just cut my hand, and it's bloody.""
""wash it off in the sink
down below, and i think
there are bandages, dear, in the cuddy.""
"
"said my mom, who is quite optimistic,
""your philosophy's unrealistic.
deistical views
only serve to confuse.
god will listen. my creed's not simplistic!""
"
"this whipsnake is called the striped racer.
california's her home. how i chase 'er!
but she's faster than i,
and i try?god knows why?
as it seems i can never outpace 'er.
"
"a delinquency? that's a default.
if you think i am finished, please halt,
as, applying to teens,
this long word also means
""bad behavior, like theft or assault.""
"
"i discovered my delphian node;
near the top of my thyroid it rode.
doc removed it; the answer
was glandular cancer?
metastatic, the biopsy showed.
"
"though my limerick's delightsomely written,
it bombed in the bronx. ""it ain't fittin'?
it's the pits; it ain't pleasin',""
they say for no reason.
perhaps it will fly in great britain.
"
"on tv, the commercials allege
the technology's all cutting-edge,
so i buy this thing, hopin'
to hold my door open,
and what do they send me? a wedge!
"
"i'm so sad, i could not be forlorner.
my expression? i look like a mourner,
though i'd felt very up
????????we got our new pup.
???????????rick? he's chewed off its corner!
"
"when i first met lisette, i was debtless.
""got a smoke? this poor gal's cigaretteless,""
she'd asked. soon i'd spent
every cent, owed my rent.
since she left, i'm lisette-less, regretless.
"
"you may think the locution is frightful,
but delightsome's a word for ""delightful.""
""fancy talking,"" you scoff,
""it's your mouth running off!""
don't be spiteful. the wording is rightful.
"
"to tantrums, my family seems prone,
so i need a demilitarized zone,
like the one in korea?
you get the idea?
i'm keen to have one of my own.
"
"no disaster can dampen or deaden
my fervor; to wed we are headin'.
i'm already apprenticed
to this good-looking dentist;
we'll flourish beyond armageddon.
"
"censor betty's employed as a vetter.
she's avid and fast?a go-getter.
demand never slackens.
dirty words? those she blackens,
making emails and letters much better.
"
"dr. white then assigned me to tell
all the students about deiters' cell
in the organ of corti.
i'll write a report. he
will check so i do not misspell.
"
"dr. white tried all night to explain
deiters' nuclei, found in the brain.
""these four nuclei serve
the acoustic (8th) nerve.
if they're damaged, you'll walk with a cane.""
"
"""what's a decastich?""?""kind of a poem
with ten lines.""?""do you think it would snow 'em
if i asked the profs whether
two limericks together
would qualify?""?""yes, it would throw 'em.""
?
fellow poets, i'm taking a bow.
i have figured it out and know how,
for my verse, to produce
an exclusive new use.
see? my poem's a decastich now.
"
"the deodar, one kind of cedar,
is large; among trees it's a leader.
in high mountains it's met,
in nepal and tibet,
far away, i regret, my dear reader!
"
"""these viruses never inspire us.
they damage the liver,"" said cyrus.
""when acquired with hep. b,
they add trouble, you see.
incomplete?but no treat?delta virus!""
"
"sarah palin was criticized, hurt.
""you reporters,"" she said, ""sure sling dirt!
i'm not running away;
not deserting, i'd say.
i'm just seeking my due?just desert.""
"
"my son-in-law wayne is insane
about fashion; he's terribly vain.
all his tailor-made suits
(and they really are beauts)
are of worsted?the finest delaine.
"
"by my deism, mom was inspired
to sermonize?that i admired.
she cried, ""god really cares
about human affairs!""
i said, ""god made the world, then retired.""
"
"in the classroom, your daughter acts strange.
sally squirms like a dog that has mange.
she must learn to sit still;
to remain here she will
have to make a demonstrable change.
"
"human nerve cells? i've based my new cure on
their culture. i'll plant them for sure on
this plate. they will grow
tiny dendrons i know?
they're extensions we see on each neuron.
"
"to demulsify's never a bore.
it's my only delight?i'm hard-core,
but i fight my compulsions
to break down emulsions
so they can't reunite any more.
"
"there's no pulse that the vessel displays,
but, beyond it, your curious gaze
finds good health and nutrition.
the limb's fine condition
is known as a sign?it's delbet's!
"
"in the wake of our late revolution,
some death squads sought quick retribution
for perceived non-support.
circumventing the court,
they staged many a cruel execution.
"
"precious papers were kept in a deedbox.
she called it ""my just-what-i-need box.""
he longed for that strongbox,
and cried, ""it's a wrong box.
it's locked and it's secret?a greed box!""
"
"when he gave me the novocaine shot,
the new dentist looked handsome and hot.
with my nerves slowly deadening,
my face began reddening?
i fell for the guy on the spot!
"
"would you deafen your grandmother, boys,
with your pistols and other loud toys?
nothing good ever comes
from your banging those drums.
i'll go deaf from their ear-splitting noise.
"
"seems my deafness is getting much worse.
i can't hear; i embarrassed my nurse.
""take your pulse?""?that she said;
my lip-reading misled,
and i thought she was after my purse.
"
"before sutures are placed in my thumb,
a deadener makes it go numb.
though the surgery's easy,
it makes me feel queasy
to think of the pain that's to come.
"
"since that dire accidental event
when i fell and i hit the cement,
i accept the enormity
of my left leg's deformity
as the will of the gods?heaven sent.
"
"though my previous thoughts were well-meant,
i'd prefer that my leg be unbent.
i would much rather be a form
that's godlike, or deiform?
deiformity'd make me content.
"
"all my children have multiple caries,
though their number and painfulness varies.
the kids know the gravity
of every tooth cavity?
less payback for teeth from tooth fairies.
"
"cytauxzoonosis: a trick
that is fatally played by a tick
(and a dog tick at that)
when it feeds on a cat.
it makes kitty incurably sick.
"
"when the judge says, ""now make a decision,""
i enjoy fellow jurors' division.
when agreement's denied,
the minority side
i espouse, as i love a collision.
"
"daunomycin produces anemia
(but at least it won't give you uremia).
this antibiotic
is truly exotic;
it's useful in treating leukemia.
"
"with the clothing and makeup you wear,
you appear to be suave?debonair.
you have many adherents,
but your bright young appearance?
delusory?youth is not there!
"
"work assiduously. that is the best
way to study, prepare for a test.
though your brain may succumb
and your body go numb,
you will come out ahead of the rest.
"
"when i head up to bed late at night,
i am often advised to sleep tight,
but i fail to deduce
how i'd ever sleep loose?
there's no logical reason in sight.
"
"a dignified guy, justice souter's
not likely to dine at a hooters.
there's a law clerk who traces
more suitable places
running google from souter's computers.
"
"you say crabs are what grow on this tree?
i reply, ""no, that can't really be.
it grows crab apples, mame,
so they gave it that name.
it's confusing, i'll have to agree.""
"
"cryoglobulins? folks never cheer 'em
or go near 'em?please not in my serum!
in the cold they form clumps?
little bleedings and lumps
in one's skin and one's joints?so we fear 'em.
"
"skippy followed the camera script.
when it said so, his camera dipped,
but the scene went astray,
as the script didn't say
what to do if the leading man tripped.
"
"greedy people just itch to get rich,
and will fall for an obvious pitch,
unaware of its stealth.
""you can cumulate wealth!""
?that's until they discover a hitch.
"
"we consultants all fear and we dread time
that's idle; it's not-earning-bread time.
when jobless, we yearn
to get busy, return
to a schedule without any dead time.
"
"when i wrote my first verse, did i ever
think i'd post 7,000? no, never!
i didn't conceive
that i'd reach (or achieve)
such a point in this clever endeavor.
"
"a buzz phrase impresses most folk,
though its meaning for you is a joke.
say it early and often;
they'll think you're a boffin,
not a technocrat, jobless and broke.
"
"curly endives? they're part of our meal,
and to me they have awesome appeal,
so before you get liquory,
just sample this chicory.
""i dig it for real, man!"" you'll squeal.
"
"""radiation? the treatment is gross!""
jodie said; she was feeling morose.
""since i've been diagnosed,
the effect i fear most
is the total, the cumulative dose.""
"
"a linguist surveying liberia
inquired, at a small cafeteria,
""i should so like to know:
is it daff-o? daf-fo?""
he was told: ""ask in northern nigeria.""
"
"said the surgeon, ""i can't reconstruct
your disrupted left deferent duct.
the whole scrotum's destroyed,
and i know you're annoyed,
but that blow to the groin?man, it sucked.""
"
"""your mystery stinks. what suspenselessness!
publication would only be senselessness,""
said my agent. i cried.
she was shocked and replied,
""i'm surprised at your utter defenselessness!""
"
"the battle, that morning, was heated.
we fought, though our troops were depleted.
in the end, we retreated.
we lost and felt cheated?
we're counted among the defeated.
"
"i expect, from my elderly aunt,
twenty acres of land as a grant.
she has plans to deed over
her parcel near dover
where she once planted crops, but now can't.
"
"commelina's the genus of dayflower?
with its blooms of bright blue, a display-flower.
it arrived here from  asia
(japan to malaysia),
but not, it would seem, on the mayflower.
"
"the professor, an old oregonian,
said, ""the forests i love are devonian.
to that epoch i date them;
no herbivore ate them.
life for plants in that age? not draconian!""
"
"though he looks like a proper bostonian,
tyrone is a devil?demonian.
he's beelzebub's scout?
if he's ever found out,
then his punishment may be draconian.
"
"take one carbon, two oxygens; you
form a compound we call co2.
from the classroom to dockside,
it's carbon dioxide.
deutoxide? that also is true.
"
"cryptesthesia (no need to restrain us)
covers all esp. like old janus,
it can see what's ahead?
but, mistaken, instead,
i assumed it meant ""pain in the anus.""
"
"""dressed in surgical scrubs? what's that for, tex?""
tex replied, ""my job feels like a vortex
of distress?a job that's
to decerebrate rats
by removing the cerebral cortex.""
"
"there's a boy in fourth grade that i hate.
james thinks calling me names is just great.
though on quizzes he'll cheat,
bending over my seat,
he says females are dumb and don't rate.
"
"our new boat has a breathtaking deck-house
full of gadgets?a truly high-tech house,
but it turned out to be,
when we went out to sea,
too confusing?a pain-in-the-neck house.
"
"write it this way or that way?don't stop
'cause you feel that your spelling will flop.
this word's indestructible:
deductable (deductible);
it means ""what's taken off from the top.""
"
"he defouls people, likes to defile
reputations. his actions are vile.
all his victims despise
his base rumors and lies.
innuendo and slur? that's his style.
"
"cyclothymic?that's pete's personality.
sad or manic, there's seldom neutrality
in his changeable moods?
he enthuses, then broods.
guess that's peter's bipolar mentality.
"
"cyclopes didactylus?he's
a small beast that one frequently sees
from below. though one grants
that his diet is ants,
this odd anteater  lives in the trees.
"
"the hue of your outfit is peach,
both the skirt and the top?i love each!
if you want them made white,
please decolor them right
by employing a delicate bleach.
"
"her proposal had perfect declaredness:
she was asking for marital sharedness.
he reacted quite carefully,
reflectively, prayerfully.
a boy scout, he'd studied preparedness.
"
"here's the check for my college tuition;
to obtain a degree is my mission.
a good education
will form the foundation
for a well-paying, cushy position.
"
"declaration of (wow!) independence:
it was liberty's time of transcendence,
on that hot july day,
there in philly, pa.
how i wish i had been in attendance!
"
"a desiderative verb shows desire?
to obtain, to possess, to acquire.
can i state or express
my request for a dress?
well, i guess: ""dad, i want more attire!""
"
"the drink that you served us for lunch
tasted sharp on my tongue. i've a hunch
deacidification
would curb irritation,
so raise the ph of your punch.
"
"when my dad called her ""deviless"", i
pictured angels that fly in the sky.
i thought, ""free of the devil,
of lucifer's revel!""
but i found it means ""she-devil."" (sigh!)
"
"who designed human teeth? he's repentin'
that the stuff that's above the cementin'
and beneath the enamel
(it's the same in each mammal)
ain't cavity-proof?that's the dentin.
"
"though i've practiced some mugging?a bit?
among masters of crime i don't fit.
as i grabbed at her purse,
bertha bit out a curse,
and she bit my left arm, so i split.
"
"i had to explain to elaine,
""the domain of a demimondaine
is not just champagne
and the life of the vain,
but a drain on the soul. it's insane.""
"
"for my son, deep emotion is writable,
and his poetry's notably citable.
known throughout the u.k.,
he's much quoted today,
so i'm hoping my scion is knightable.
"
"demosthenes spoke very well?
so the ancient historians tell.
he impressed every greek
whenever he'd speak?
with a mouth full of pebbles? like hell!
"
"through all ages and places, i've found:
people like to inhabit new ground,
so they often will demigrate
(an old word for ""emigrate"").
they're constantly moving around.
"
"king demetrius ruled macedonia,
back when monarchs had slaves and could own ya.
""like his father antigonus,
he is not spending big on us,""
said his chattel, ""we've all got pneumonia.""
"
"mcgrath roused society's wrath
when he said, ""i will not take a bath
for a fortnight. i mean
i won't wash myself clean!""
so we figured he'd stink?do the math!
"
"""mercy me,"" cried the nurse, her lips pursed.
""that durned surgeon from berne is the worst!
when he asked for some thread,
and got forceps instead,
he blasphemed and said '#@%!'?the man cursed!""
"
"cells in urine? we call that cyturia.
they are pus cells? well, then it's pyuria.
an infection? confirm
by inspecting the germ.
maybe parasites? yes, ameburia!
"
"i'll admit to the truth (though i blush):
it's a beverage that gives me a rush.
not a drink that combines
several gins, rums, and wines?
i just gush over lush orange crush!
"
"""i consider you, doc, as my mentor.
if you say so, i'm willing to enter
the emergency room,
if you tell me with whom
i will work at the new crisis center.""
"
"when nate married kate, she was shy.
""i can't cook,"" she opined, ""but i'll try
using spice to be frisky.""
though loaded on whiskey,
""i taste cumin,"" he said, ""through the rye.""
"
"the curlew saw fit to complain,
""campus dorms and their rules are inane.
if i date human men,
i must fly back by ten,
and for curlews, a curfew's a pain!""
"
"we should honor him?le corbusier;
before him, the classics held sway.
lots of steel, lots of glass?
he imbued them with class.
he designed in a new-fashioned way.
"
"when we die and we leave lots of booty,
our heirs pay this tax?it's a beauty!
uncle sam takes his share;
it's the same everywhere,
though for brits it's a  death (blimey!) duty.
"
"the fertility goddess, demeter,
or ceres?i bow when i greet her.
thanks to her, my crops flourished,
and my children were nourished.
no goddess is neater?can't beat her!
"
"there was doubt and dismay in the ranks,
when i said we must privatize banks,
so to staff i then rationalized;
in the end, we denationalized.
it succeeded; they all offered thanks.
"
"i approached heddy's bed with a dreadness.
in her cheeks i no longer saw redness.
i could see that my friend
must be nearing her end,
as her eyes showed not brightness, but deadness.
"
"our relationship cooled, and the lull
came from judd, who was listless and dull,
out of steam, and dead-hearted.
we eventually parted,
as he drove me right out of my skull.
"
"my grandfather used to move freight
over water?the great denmark strait.
on the map, it's between lands?
'twixt iceland's and greenland's.
from deckhand he rose to first mate.
"
"what? they're thinking of building a mall
in the park where the kids now play ball?
are you feeling betrayed?
let us start a crusade!
we'll team up and we'll fight city hall!
"
"""what's my destiny? what is my fate?""
""in astronomy, mate, you'll be great.
you will measure the density
of the cosmic immensity?
it's mass over volume?you'll rate.""
"
"my new confidant, lew, isn't loath
to pledge a bilateral oath
that if one in our pact
were provoked or attacked,
swift revenge would be taken by both.
"
"with the school, lew was quite confrontational.
accusations he made were sensational:
""hiring staff, you're sectarian;
unbelievers? barbarian.
your bias is?yes!?denominational.""
"
"my landlord is now bringing suit.
to refute him, i'll have to recruit
a deponent who'll swear
i was not even there
when his harpsichord fell down the chute.
"
"contention had plagued the convention;
dissension provoked apprehension.
""can our meeting succeed?""
asked the leadership. ""we'd
best depressurize?lower the tension!""
"
"cream of tartar?it grows on a tree?
now, i'm asking you?how can this be?
is it just one more wonder
of wild life down under,
where wombats and roos all run free?
"
"tom the terrorist once made a bomb
to wreak havoc in dar es salaam,
and all tanzania
gave thanks when maria
dismantled the bomb with aplomb.
"
"the soldier wore tight-fitting pants,
had a demilance, seen at a glance,
and he moved like a dancer?
this young demilancer?
in his 1507 advance.
"
"a degree-day is not graduation,
but a measure of climate. this station
submits daily forms.
do we vary from norms?
if earth warms, will we see variation?
"
"if god were a woman, i'd call
her creatress, creatrix, of all.
michelangelo's ceiling
would really go reeling;
to earth the old geezer would fall.
"
"though it doesn't reveal your psychology,
phrenology (gall's craniology)
says: ""a bump on the side
means you've something to hide.""
quacks give readings without an apology.
"
"to deprecate means to put down,
and to badmouth all over the town,
to condemn, to belittle?
unfit for acquittal!?
disparage, and judge with a frown.
"
"walter cronkite provided, with slickness,
the news, and was known for his quickness.
he covered a wealth
of great stories on health;
and his name? from the dutch?it means ""sickness.""
"
"""for the prom, dan, i've one main request:
dress dashingly?stylish is best.""
that's what betsy had planned;
dan did not understand,
so that night, in a track suit he dressed.
"
"""i repeat: all your methods are coarse.
you're a vet i can never endorse.
in your care, my mare died.
couldn't rouse her?i tried!""
the vet sighed, ""must you beat a dead horse?""
"
"you're deficient? that means something's lacking.
you can't hack it, despite all your hacking.
if you want to succeed,
get the help that you need.
you've potential indeed, so get cracking!
"
"caveman dana was brooding?face twisted:
""i've studied deep time, which consisted
of billions of years
in the past, it appears.
i insist it's before i existed!""
"
"these squatters grow limes that are seedless.
their orchards are neat and quite weedless,
but they're squatters, and needless
to say, they are heedless
of law, since they're leaseless and deedless.
"
"his message, as written, was cryptical,
its meaning elusive, elliptical.
i at last understood
that it said the sun would
soon be hidden?the news was ecliptical.
"
"""mom is angry,"" i  uttered, ""and hence,
i feel threatened, in need of defense!""
he went out in the yard,
grabbed the fence, pulled it hard,
dragged it right in the house. man, that's dense!
"
"ed's daughter's a vegan, emphatic.
her revulsion toward meat? automatic!
she feels sick and turns red?
""give me soybeans instead,
as my nausea, ed, is  creatic.""
"
"mom opined that my boyfriend was dense.
when i told him, he said, ""that makes sense.
if she thinks i'm compact,
then i'm strong?that's a fact!""
the extent of his denseness? immense!
"
"once a heroine people could venerate?
now her lifestyle's begun to degenerate.
let us hope she gets wise
and stops sleeping with guys,
so her image may rise and intenerate.
"
"""the plot of this script's a surprise?
a magician's adventures,"" di cries.
""it's a show we can serialize.
watch the guy dematerialize?
disappear right in front of your eyes!""
"
"our new boss tries to act understandingly
of the stress we encounter expandingly.
he's calmed down for the nonce,
but he wants quick response,
so he gives out his orders demandingly.
"
"""here are letters we cannot deliver?
dead mail?and there isn't a sliver
of hope. can't return it;
illegal to burn it,
or dump it,"" said viv, ""in the river.""
"
"as my tandem i rode with aplomb,
no wind blowing, the air was dead calm?
perfect night for a bike,
but she screamed like a shrike
when i picked up my date for the prom.
"
"while explaining a logical tenet,
in a dennet, he drove to the senate,
where they honored this brilliant,
and also resilient,
philosopher, daniel c. dennett.
"
"in the north of iraq live the kurds.
i had dissed them in 500 words,
so my editor snorted,
""it's badly reported;
it's worthless and  weak?for the birds!""
"
"it is hard, in australia, to be a
great fan of what's called daviesia.
bitter pea aussies dub
this inedible shrub.
to consume it's a drongo's idea.
"
"the word dew-worm's a noteworthy term
for an earthworm, i'll gladly confirm.
guess i've gathered a few
in the morn, in the dew?
hence the name, i assume, for this worm.
"
"""in this chamber, we'll now decompress,
from a weightier pressure to less.
we will not get the bends,""
mentioned ben to his friends,
""so i hope this relieves your distress.""
"
"mel lifted his fist and he dealt
a hard blow that i instantly felt.
there's a tear in my sleeve?
sure it's hard to believe?
but just look at my arm! see the welt?
"
"the black greasewood's a nondescript shrub
that my boyfriend brought home in a tub.
""happy valentine's day!""
i replied with dismay:
""where's the ring i was waiting for, bub?""
"
"at his student, he looked with revulsion,
and even considered expulsion,
but the school nurse was calm,
said, ""this rash needs a balm.
sally's sores just require a demulsion.""
"
"said les, an idealist, a quester,
""i never let enmities fester.
i love all, and i've kept
to this tenet, except
i abhor and detest a detester.""
"
"fingers?  two on each hand?that much shows.
does the lacing of boots cause him woes?
does this gentleman's dactyly
cause obstacles, tactilely?
does each of his feet have two toes?
"
"you're degumming that chair? well, i hope
you are joking. don't think me a dope.
to get sericin out
of its fiber, no doubt,
you must boil it in water and soap!
"
"if depression can bring you to hell,
and you've suffered a true manic spell,
the drug depokene may
take your troubles away,
and it's anticonvulsive as well!
?
it's a drug that helps stabilize mood,
so you won't run around in the nude;
valproic (yes) acid
will make you feel placid,
not brooding, nor lewd, rude, or crude.
"
"we were warned of the coming emergence
of a people's rebellious insurgence,
should our laundries report
their supplies have run short?
they lack soap flakes for proper detergence.
"
"the detention cells, down at the station,
are a most unattractive location.
folks await disposition,
and are jailed in transition?
at least they don't feel isolation.
"
"i take lessons. i'm hoping one day
to be cultural (yes!) attache.
an ambassador's aide,
i'll be very well paid.
in burundi, my bagpipes i'll play!
"
"make an entrance that's classy and tony?
no, not on a mule or a pony,
or a camel or goat?
sail right in on a boat
from the south part of asia?a dhoney.
"
"destruction means ""tearing things down""
(like a house, or a part of a town,
or a fortification,
or the good reputation
of a colleague of highest renown).
"
"dig old records? why not? what the heck?a
lot of artists recorded for decca,
like bob crosby, and bing,
who could sing anything.
the musicians all thought it a mecca.
"
"the hairiest syndrome among
those that trouble one's mouth is black tongue.
this unsightly black fungus
that's common among us
looks gross in the old and the young.
"
"the god bacchus, now withered and aged,
in old rome had led troupes that engaged
in both sex and strong drink,
which today we would think
had debacchated?lustily raged.
"
"i've been hit by a truck, and a suit
has been filed by my lawyers?a beaut!
it's the best on the docket;
they've found a deep pocket.
i'll certainly win lots of loot.
"
"defeatism says: ""yes, we're beat,
and it's time to accept our defeat.""
this position engenders
horrendous surrenders?
defenders renounce and retreat.
"
"the weather's so damp. dehumidify!
dry the house so we won't all liquidify.
no, i don't mean lapidify
(turn to stone) or solidify?
let's have comfort. like birds, we can nidify.
"
"for this parasite, i'm dead-end host.
i can't spread it, so i'm its last post.
it may live in my tissue,
but forth it won't issue.
it'll die when i give up the ghost.
"
"since his trip, and his visit to brittany,
jimmy kripp has repeated this litany:
""the one positive thing
i was able to bring
from this jaunt was the shrub cretan dittany.""
"
"i'm afraid i'll be subject to censure
if i cannot define a debenture.
from webster's i get
it's a ""voucher of debt.""
(i can vouch that it's been an adventure.)
"
"this test is the first intimation
of a widespread deossification.
all the bones in your hand
look so faint when they're scanned?
that's my candid, and sad, explanation.
"
"i'm becoming persona non grata
for the way i pronounce the word data,
but sooner or later
i'll switch and say ""data,""
llke they do in my old alma mater.
"
"this generous king feels a tingle
clinking coins with a ding-a-ling (jingle),
giving ducats to peasants,
and handing out presents
at christmastime, dressed as kris kringle.
"
"in anatomy class we'll be rated
on the placement of nerves. i'm elated,
as i'm not at a loss?
know each nerve. those that cross
i can show to the boss?decussated.
"
"boyt from brooklyn had goylfriends to spare;
he liked kisses on lips, but beware.
if a dame asked to kiss
down below, he said, ""miss,
kiss dis here! oh, my dear?don't you dere!""
"
"by her clothes i'm distracted, i guess;
it diverts my attention, that dress.
but her hair?like a nest,
like a thornbush, she's tressed.
she's a damsel, i'd say, in dis-tress.
"
"when the man sitting next to her sneezed,
lisa figured the guy was diseased.
""that's disgusting!"" she cried.
""pardon me,"" he replied,
""i can see you are greatly displeased!""
"
"mom's old letters i found in the attic,
from her ex, were dramatic, ecstatic!
and as dad's unaware
that the letters are there,
if i cite them, i'll be diplomatic.
"
"mr. sperm and ms. egg?their prognosis
is resolved, i suppose, by diplosis.
he is haploid till he
has combined with the she;
then she's fertilized?proud symbiosis!
"
"at skateboarding dan was a master,
but this trip was a total disaster.
all his friends were aghast
when he passed, going fast,
at full blast toward a plaster pilaster.
"
"if an earthquake's a kind of assault
(by our planet) we're helpless to halt,
then we ought to search out?
where do quakes come about??
in alaska, denali's at fault.
"
"our toddler is learning to diddle
that organ hung down in the middle.
though soon he will treasure
its prospect of pleasure,
right now it's used mainly to piddle.
"
"my old tomcat's an excellent mouser;
this powder's a first class delouser,
and my grandfather toils,
with electrical coils,
to demagnetize ships?a degausser.
"
"walt disney, meticulous, picky,
found to make people laugh rather tricky,
but he won adulation
with his famous creation:
a four-fingered mouse he called mickey.
"
"jack horner became quite obese
eating holiday pies without cease,
so he's now on a diet.
when someone serves pie, it
is fine?he just tries a small piece.
"
"morty seems like a very good sport.
he reacted with grace and a sort
of a smile (he's a peach)
when his eulogy speech
was decurtate?and that means ""cut short"".
"
"that fellow is ogling my bust,
and his facial expression's pure lust.
now he's passed me a note.
i'll react with a vote
of no confidence?basic distrust.
"
"there's a gal in a very short dress
who disturbs me, i'll have to confess?
makes me ogle and gape,
as its tightness and drape
cause a ""lord-how-i-love-it"" distress.
"
"dwight was wrong; i'm convinced i was right.
we discussed it from lunchtime till night,
but he wouldn't admit
his mistake?not a bit?
so discussion devolved into fight.
"
"""kindly give me your wallet,"" jed said.
(for a mugger, he sounded well-bred.)
i replied, ""don't be dotty;
i'm a champ at karate.
my deathblow can render you dead.""
"
"i wasn't admitted to mensa;
guess i'm better off settling for densa.
do they meet in brazil?
if they do, then i will
join in rio. i'll fly there with gensa.
"
"from this website she got a diploma,
though she's most of the time in a coma.
all they asked was that she
pay their five-figure fee.
it's a mill with a nasty aroma!
"
"cynoscion regalis: the weakfish.
should you seek it, you'll find it a sleek fish.
as the species regalis,
it belongs in a palace?
state dinners, high tea?what a chic fish!
"
"my employer maintains it is sporting,
as our customers'  data he's sorting?
data mining (analysis)
provides the catalysis
for mischief?i fear he's extorting!
"
"go for profits in selling your tools,
or your jewels, or fuels, or pools,
but commercialization
will lead to damnation
if we start to commercialize schools.
"
"my two hands had a fine symbiosis
that collapsed neath this dire diagnosis.
their relationship? hexed?
seems the left one is flexed
in a terrible dactylogryposis.
"
"if you're debile, you're feeble and weak?
a condition wise people don't seek.
the decrepit are meek,
and may squeak when they speak.
their physiques are more freaky than sleek.
"
"if you're up for a trip that is jolly,
try the national park called denali.
the name's athabascan?
that's native alaskan.
the scenery's stunning, by golly!
"
"if the going gets rough, i expect
my pal hector will likely defect.
'cross the line he will go,
make a pact with our foe?
though our friends, i suspect, will object.
"
"once on top of the business we'd perch;
now it seems we've been left in the lurch.
guess a crash program now
will be needed?and how?
some emergency market research.
"
"says the government, ""we'll decommission
your nuclear plant?no more fission.""
they'll remove it from service.
the thought makes me nervous;
i'll join the pro-nuke coalition!
"
"""a debit is something we owe,
and we'll pay it in full,"" promised joe.
""we must pay what we borrow
or find, to our sorrow,
our rating for credit is low.""
"
"what we call the american dream
is a goal that we greatly esteem.
it's a plan to succeed
through hard work, but, indeed,
opportunity's key to this scheme.
"
"wrote our poor-spelling dad, and i quote:
""pleez admit my too childern to choate.
i don't want it that they shun
a good ejucashun.
don't inroll only one?pleez take bote.""
"
"decempedal means something's discrete;
when you measure it, if you don't cheat,
it is just ten feet long.
maybe not?if that's wrong?
it's ""of decapods, beasts with ten feet.""
"
"her rejoinder was peevish, not placid:
""deacidify? make it less acid?
all the lemons i bring
to my punch add a zing,
and without them the flavor is flaccid.""
"
"for the day of their fifth anniversary,
burt's planning was careful, not cursory?
well thought out, not in haste.
their quadruplets were placed,
dawn to dusk, in the local day nursery.
"
"i'm de-energized?lost my ambition.
it's a listless, exhausted condition.
once a fireball, a force,
now i'm just a dead horse,
like a car with a switched-off ignition.
"
"yes, the tenth month was once called december;
the ninth, as you'd guess, was november.,
but the romans arranged
that the months would be changed,
and two names?at least so i remember.
"
"the surgeon i'd thought was a friend
put in sutures, my backside to mend.
deadened nerves left me numbed.
i can't walk, so i'm bummed;
our relationship reached a dead end.
"
"lifeless food in the egg cell? sounds drastic!
it's in particles called deutoplastic.
these small pieces of yolk
in the ovum?no joke?
act as nourishment. nature's fantastic!
"
"king odysseus was wily and sly.
in the cave of the cyclops, he'd try
to escape with his men.
first he counted to ten,
then cried, ""blimey! here's blood in your eye!""
?
the cyclops had fallen asleep,
and was blinded?a stroke that went deep
in the monster's one eye.
then they bade him goodbye
as they clung to the bellies of sheep.
"
"peace and calm will be needed where we
will establish our own dmz.
brother len fights with ben:
""pick the parlor!"" ""the den!""
i suspect that we'll never agree.
"
"i've designed several college curricula:
one on bones, like the shoulder's clavicula,
and another, mysterious,
on the secrets of sirius,
a serious look at canicula.
"
"two reservists named mervis and jervis
got orders that made them quite nervous.
""we're not ready to fight!
do you think that we might
be excused? get us customer service!""
"
"curvirostres: a name for the creepers?
small birds that are singers and peepers.
they will cling to the bark
of a tree in the park,
unless they're disturbed by the sweepers.
"
"once this group sought to bar a great star
from its hall, but they went much too far.
when the first lady quit,
saying, ""that's not legit!""
the whole bunch had a fit?d.a.r.!?
"
"the cushat is one kind of dove.
you can see it in flight up above
southeast england?and there
called a culver. not rare,
it's abundant, and native thereof.
"
"depressurize janie's champagne?
or the cabin one finds on a plane?
or a weather balloon
tracking june's first monsoon?
by removing the gas? that's insane!
"
"she was caught in a tough situation,
far from home, in an alien nation,
and was charged with a crime.
""i don't want to do time,""
she implored, ""i'd prefer deportation.""
"
"""i've been hunting for bunnies since dawn,
in the neighborhood yards,"" complained shawn.
""rabbits do reproduce
and become quite profuse,
but there's nary a one on my lawn.""
"
"we will have to drive seventeen miles
just to find what we're seeking?old files.
we will search all the aisles
in dead storage, till smiles
show we've found them?the end of our trials!
"
"""i saved lots for a boat?a whole pot
of canadian dollars,"" said scott.
""but devalued, their worth
in each country on earth
is the price of a raft, not a yacht.""
"
"a pirate who has, on his flag,
a white death's-head, can usually brag
that it terrifies foes
every place that he goes,
so they're quick to surrender the swag.
"
"a pirate who's good with his claymore
can conquer, then stop off to play more.
this sharp scottish weapon
allows him to step in,
so foes say, ""goodbye! we won't stay more!""
"
"some diggers are mining for coal,
and some are just digging a hole,
and yet others, i've found,
dig their homes in the ground,
like the prairie dog, gopher, and mole.
"
"i'm demonstrably taller than you;
you're demonstrably smaller, it's true.
here, let's stand face to face.
now your eyes reach the place
where i speak, where i laugh, where i chew.
"
"""what criteria, out in nigeria,
determine a case of diphtheria?""
""well, there's fever, and swelling,
but the best way of telling
is to culture a swab of bacteria.""
"
"what advantage, or edge, would i gain,
using aspirin, not codeine, for pain?
drinking coffee, not tea?
eating cheddar, not brie?
does it matter? will someone explain?
"
"the dancer was pretty and pert,
and she'd flirt with a flip of her skirt,
while the pickpockets plowed
through the wowed, heedless  crowd.
her performance was meant to divert.
"
"here's a lancelet; it's called amphioxus.
though it's small, its anatomy rocks us.
not a vertebrate, it
has a spinal cord, fit
for the creature whose genepool now stocks us.
"
"""what's that plank at the end of your pool?""
""it's a diving board, julie. it's cool!
to be  water-immersed,
spring, then jump in head-first?
but the pool should be filled, as a rule.""
"
"my will is constructed on merit.
my friend chet, who loves pets, gets my ferret.
my masseuse, who's a honey,
gets all of my money.
my son? here's my plan: disinherit.
"
"it's the job that i do when i'm home;
i'm the dishwasher named in this poem.
first my spouse cooks a meal,
then we eat it with zeal?
then i'm up to my elbows in foam.
"
"fill the dishpan with water that's hot,
add detergent, and what have i got?
it's the station i man?
clean each plate and each pan;
it's my regular post-dinner spot.
"
"down the colon without navigation
come the stools, causing mild perturbation.
in the rectum, they act,
making muscles contract.
it's the reflex that brings defecation.
"
"carrie's canny, and keen on ecology.
she is using the latest technology
to save rivers and ponds,
their amphibia, fronds?
it's applied (used in practice) biology.
"
"i believe, but don't call me a mystic.
toward god, my position's deistic?
he launched our affairs
but won't answer our prayers.
when i say so, my mom goes ballistic.
"
"why don't whales, such as c. marginata,
belong to the group deciduata?
no decidua's shed
after birth, once they've bred?
like the burrowing beast, loricata.
"
"in cardiac failure, a jock
once consulted a high-powered doc
and was digitalized.
he correctly surmised
the doc's charges would put him in hock.
"
"said the athlete, ""i harbor no malice
toward the doc, though he lives in a palace.
his fees may be high,
but the truth is that i
have recovered on doc's digitalis.""
"
"cousin claire took a job that is clerical;
she has talent in matters numerical.
""her spherical writing,""
said her boss, ""is exciting.
i love any gal who's dexterical!""
"
"a date palm's a tree that awaits
with the wonderful fruit it creates.
it is often the basis
of a welcome oasis?
a fabulous hangout for dates.
"
"when up to the dock guy's boat glided,
its list to the port was decided.
it was marked and so strong
that his steering went wrong;
with our catamaran, guy collided.
"
"world war one's naval warfare routine:
we used depth bombs, exploding between
the sea's surface and bottom
(that's just how we got 'em!),
destroying each boche submarine.
"
"my handsome young dentist named keith
made an offer while fixing my teeth.
with my mouth packed and numb,
i agreed, ""yeth, i'll come
to thuh pardy and bring my thweet nieth.""
"
"""though a bird is a creature that's avian,""
said my teacher, a grave scandinavian,
""one can build, from three words,
this set phrase: for the birds?
that's my view of antiques called gustavian.""
"
"this fungus that's called devil's urn
is shaped like a vase or a churn,
and its life-cycle tells
those who search for morels
information they're eager to learn.
"
"what is dactylis? genus of grass
that is also called cocksfoot. alas,
that old moniker may
keep the lasses away,
when they ought to make hay. time will pass.
"
"when the sun shines, i always make hay,
but i never put money away.
what's unspent, i will give?
hey! that's just how i live:
easy come, easy go, day by day.
"
"my boyfriend's an autodidact,
and with facts his great cranium's packed.
though he's never had college,
he  boasts of his knowledge.
what the cracker is lacking is tact.
"
"to produce better crops, we'll be needing
techniques that are useful in breeding.
artificial selection?
it works to perfection?
the key to our project's succeeding.
"
"lots of sweet ethnic music will ripple
from the double-bored pipe called a diple.
it's played by two hands,
both alone and in bands,
and is prized by the serbian pipple.
"
"what is dapperness? look at that rapper.
he wears more strings of bling than a flapper.
pants are droopy and wide;
cap is turned to the side,
but he's sure that he's stylish and dapper.
"
"i met liz, and i'm now in a tizzy.
i'm reeling, vertiginous, dizzy.
though my brain's mri
shows that nothing's awry,
all its cells must be spinning for lizzie!
"
"i was moping and didn't feel right;
couldn't sleep, couldn't eat?not a bite.
""take this desyrel,"" said
my gp, ""before bed.
you'll feel better and sleep well at night.""
"
"acid mantle? not seen on inspection,
this film offers skin a protection
from microbe infection.
it's nature's direction,
expressed through genetic selection.
"
"my husband prefers dead-end streets.
it is one of his odder conceits.
cars don't roar past our door,
so it's quiet. what's more,
it's ""through traffic"" this layout defeats.
"
"many critics in london you'll hear
pan their own house of lords with a sneer,
but the peers, when they fight
in the house, are polite;
it's a custom that won't disappear.
"
"the irani expressed his aversion:
""diaspora leads to submersion
of culture. my plan?
i'll remain in iran;
i won't emigrate! no, not dispersion!""
"
"""disinheritance seems so extreme.
is your son such a bum that you deem
he's not worth a red cent?""
""yes, that sponge pays no rent.
he's a schemer whose ego's supreme!""
"
"something dreary and dull??that is dismal.
it's depressing, but not quite abysmal.
things could always get worse
by line 5 of my verse;
if i leave in a hearse??cataclysmal!
"
"uncle lester, long-winded i guess,
couldn't say what he wished to express?
what he wanted to say?
in a straightforward way.
he would stray from the point; he'd digress.
"
"today i was really impressed
at the rate bessie's food can digest.
she ate apples at ten;
they were broken down, then
she excreted the pips on request.
"
"i can dig out my car when it snows,
or the mucus gone hard in my nose;
we can dig in at dinners,
discuss local  sinners,
and dig up some dirt about those.
"
"at the wake and the service, the priest
puts down old miss purvis, deceased.
making faces, he grins,
and retraces her sins;
thus concludes his disservice?the beast!
"
"he's their botany prof, dr. reeves.
after showing some digitate leaves,
shaped like fingers, the bloke
has a toke of their smoke,
and he barfs. it's no joke?the man heaves.
"
"the pain caused insane desperation.
dexamethasone eased my frustration
from my asthma, arthritis,
and acute dermatitis?
a sensational new medication!
"
"my tb had a nasty prognosis.
my lymph nodes got larger?fibrosis?
no, the biopsy showed
that inside was a load
of a yogurt-like cheesy necrosis.
"
"my boyfriend has aptitude?true.
he speaks quechua when out in peru.
he's a whiz at statistics
and good at ballistics;
he's a paleobotanist too!
"
"when you've hiked down a gorge or a chasm,
do your leg muscles jump into spasm?
cyclobenzaprine may
take the cramping away.
does it fix muscle-cell cytoplasm?
"
"dear ms white: i have reason to doubt you.
i hear so many stories about you!
i don't mean to indict you,
but i must disinvite you,
though my  bash won't be smashing without you.
"
"a pirate who's good with his dirk
can repulse both the greek and the turk;
and the naval variety
engenders anxiety
in foes, thereby saving him work.
"
"as an orator, jeffry was deft.
when he left her, michelle felt bereft.
this two-timing bloke
with diglossia spoke
""with forked tongue""?it was actually cleft!
"
"the word deligate means, you will find,
""to wrap up,"" or ""to bandage, to bind.""
the word delegate? fine,
you'll find that means ""assign.""
so alike, the words seem intertwined.
"
"their movements are few, lack fluidity,
and are slow, without any rapidity?
the brain-injured will
remain mostly quite still,
in a state of decerebrate rigidity.
"
"""come to my house right now for a fling.
have some drinks, and we'll dance, and we'll sing.
at our party you'll star?
it's called come as you are.
wear whatever you're in; that's the thing.""
"
"certain times in the night, when you sleep,
if an eeg tracing you keep,
delta rhythms appear
that you don't see or hear,
as your slumber, just then, is most deep.
"
"first his payments were late, then they halted.
he hadn't the price of a malted.
flat broke, this poor bloke
said, ""this stroke's not a joke,
on my mortgage i've gone and defaulted.""
"
"the date plum, an asian persimmon,
with aroma and flavor is brimmin'.
""this fruit has good vibes,""
say the old afghan tribes.
""it gives pleasure to men and to women.""
"
"how to treat a suspected insurgent?
many differing views were emergent.
seems the cia minions
had specific opinions?
from mine, i opine, they're divergent.
"
"a pirate who's dripping with charm
needn't perpetrate bloodshed or harm,
as his likable pose
just bewitches his foes,
and they yield without buying the farm.
"
"oh, many are ways one can diddle
(waste time)?one can saw on a fiddle,
one can diddle (defraud),
or have sex with a broad,
or fool round with, or toy with, or twiddle.
"
"cried my dad, ""this is torn; it's a crime.
i believe that it came from your rhyme,
and i fear that our pup
chewed your limerick up.
please explain the words:
since
but my lime.""
"
"went to visit my gramps in the district
of columbia. grandpa sure is strict!
at the white house? no peek?
stayed indoors for a week.
i have never met anyone this strict!
"
"he digs troughs along roads for the rich.
now his girlfriend is itching to switch,
so this bitch makes a pitch
in a letter, in which
she says, ""mitch, i am planning a ditch.""
"
"a nightclub just opened in frisco,
with dancing and djs?a disco?
with music that's funky:
the twist and the monkey.
such clubs don't exist in mount kisco!
"
"dendrologists study the trees
and the shrubs that one frequently sees,
which they often compare
to the types that are rare,
in their theses, to earn phds.
"
"it's a camp of sufficient dimension
to be used in defendants' detention.
they're accused of such capers
as providing false papers?
illegals held post-apprehension.
"
"seth had purchased a drug that was meth-like;
he convulsed, then was stuporous, deathlike.
so we called 9-1-1.
they revived him?well done!
but since then he no longer seems seth-like.
"
"my uncle is having dts;
he gets more and more sick by degrees.
he is shaking and jerky;
he's going cold turkey.
he needs help to detoxify. please!
"
"""deplorably written, played boringly""?
thus my pan of the play, penned  deploringly?
""this flop deserves censure.
its viewers, i'd venture,
all drowsed in their seats or slept snoringly.""
"
"yes, i once saw a fellow diminish.
he grew thinner and more bone-and-skin-ish.
he got less and less tall
until nothing at all
lingered on, of the guy, at the finish.
"
"being bedridden seems like a curse.
one needs help from an aide or a nurse,
but decubitus ulcers?
these major repulsers
make finding assistance much worse.
"
"when i first met the boss, i surmised
that his aims would be hidden, disguised,
but pretending was futile?
and soon he proved brutal.
by all of his staff he's despised.
"
"it's a lucrative job?so i'm told.
what attracts me? the term dental gold,
which refers to high billings.
it's what? dental fillings?
an alloy? that's knocked me out cold!
"
"a decemviral seat now is free
on the council of ten that will be
writing down our club's rules.
the nine others are fools,
so i'm hoping the tenth will be me!
"
"i am sick of your cunctative ways.
chronic lateness, my friend, never pays.
chance of greatness? remote,
if you miss that last boat,
so be prompt?life will brook no delays!
"
"she's the prettiest girl on the block.
we get married; i soon get a shock:
i've got holes in my hose?
every toenail now shows?
so darned lazy, she won't darn a sock.
"
"kept hidden from g-man or cop,
a dead drop's a spy's secret prop.
he leaves notes in a place
that avoids face-to-face,
spy-to-spy handing off (which could flop).
"
"genus diphylla, vampire bat,
sucks the blood of its prey to get fat,
so avoid him, be wary.
the prospect is scary,
and he's hairy-legged, too?think of that!
"
"a woman who fancies she can
wangle all that she needs from a man
will remain in his debt
for each gift she will get?
not to mention each pot and each pan.
"
"are there tooth fairies out on a mission?
to purchase deciduous dentition?
coins replace teeth that fall;
some kids know, after all,
that their parents fulfill that position.
"
"as a kid wit' a san'wich, i just
ate de soft part. now mom says i must,
as a teen, strong an' tall,
eat de bread, rind an' all.
momma can't devote time to decrust.
"
"this diluent liquid's a winner.
it dissolves things and makes mixtures thinner.
when i use it in paints,
i am ranked with the saints;
when i don't, it's a mess?i'm a sinner.
"
"in our teeth we have vessels and nerves,
and a hollow inside each tooth serves
to contain dental pulp.
when he's drilling it (gulp!)
up i jump?so my dentist observes.
"
"the cudgels some pirates will choose,
and will use to bruise enemy crews,
can convince the king's guards
that defeat's in the cards?
with an offer they cannot refuse.
"
"i'm campaigning for congress. i chose
a consultant when problems arose.
for high office i yearn,
but i've plenty to learn.
is he worth what he's paid? heaven knows!
"
"a pirate who's good with his pistol
and shoots any foes that resist'll
induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to cede their fine glassware?their crystal.
"
"i had struggled to climb the steep hill,
and the view from its top was a thrill.
then came dizziness?feeling
the earth round me reeling?
and vertigo rendered me ill.
"
"rock star cody, though followed by toadies,
when on tour is content with his roadies.
now the one he likes best
has a lump in her breast;
she has cystosarcoma phyllodes.
"
"dehumanization? insanity!
it's not just a blow to one's vanity.
if one's forced to conform,
made to follow the norm,
it deprives one of basic humanity.
"
"public servants, not quite ""in the chips,""
sometimes travel on jet planes and ships.
with no funds put aside
on the books for each ride,
black-bag money's what pays for these trips.
"
"there are nazis today in our nation.
white supremacists cause agitation,
wearing swastika medals.
it's hatred each peddles;
what we need is denazification.
"
"now i'm dating irene; have you seen us?
she's a creature from heaven, a genus
of woman who's mighty
like whom? aphrodite!
cytherean, irene is a venus.
"
"can dexatrim help you lose weight?
lose that soft, chubby figure you hate?
have a care when you try it?
you also must diet,
or still face a corpulent fate.
"
"while this panel keeps jabbering, i'm
feeling angry. they're wasting my time.
there sit five stupid gents;
each puts in his two cents,
but the workshop is not worth a dime.
"
"in this comic, there's wally, who shirks,
and the pointy-haired boss hiring jerks
to make products that smell,
don't work well, and won't sell.
in the office from  hell, dilbert works.
"
"though they both thought their marriage endorsable,
nuptial vows were, it seems, unenforceable.
they took lovers; they fought
and agreed about naught
except this: each was highly divorceable.
"
"some government policies must
engender our loathing?disgust?
as a cure for our ills;
thus our one-dollar bills
say, ""in god we (are putting our) trust.""
"
"the decembrists? they staged a revolt
in st. petersburg; gave us a jolt!
army officers fought,
but it all came to naught,
as artillery caused them to bolt.
"
"when the bookkeeper tried to divert
our small company's funds, we felt hurt,
but the charges were pressed?
now in stripes the guy's dressed.
our accountant, it seems, was alert!
"
"cyclosporin can offer protection
from acute organ transplant rejection.
it's a t-cell suppressant,
keeping organs quiescent,
but beware?it can lead to infection.
"
"she's a ding-a-ling, dingbat, a fool,
saying scatterbrained things as a rule.
i had thought her i.q.
was about 62,
but i found she'd earned honors at school.
"
"at work, i invited the gang:
would they try a meringue with a tang?
and i mentioned it was
french cuisine, called dacquoise.
they said, ""sure, but forget the harangue!""
"
"the once-savvy teacher was flustered.
he hemmed, and he hawed, and he blustered.
he'd forgotten his chalk,
lost the thread of his talk?
he can't cut it. he can't cut the mustard!
"
"preferring life calm and irenic,
i refused the hallucinogenic
plant known as datura;
i thus won't endure a
drug madness that feels schizophrenic.
"
"carve your fowl? pain's forever postponed
if you buy christmas turkeys deboned.
you won't do something dumb,
like draw blood from your thumb,
and it's perfectly safe if you're stoned.
"
"bob the barber was not a great cutter;
modern hair styles could make his heart flutter.
""b-b-be a success?
under d-d-duress?
i'm a f-f-f-failure,"" he'd stutter.
"
"""on the foot of that dog, there's a widget.
what good does it do?"" queried bridget.
""seems that toe's hanging 'round,
but not touching the ground!""
""it's a dew claw?vestigial digit.""
"
"when the singer emerged, her chest bared,
all the audience gasped as they stared,
mouths agape?their eyes glistened?
save one, who just listened;
he was dim-sighted (vision-impaired).
"
"if you raze something, right to the ground,
'cause you no longer want it around,
i'll express my acknowledgment:
you can call it demolishment,
a word that i recently found.
"
"our new fishing boat, out on her maiden
(first) voyage, for bait fish?menhaden,
rode so low with her load,
only deadworks she showed
(what's in view when a ship's fully laden).
"
"i say cat scan means ""eying a cat,""
and matisse is a little french mat.
my dominant mission's
to  rewrite definitions.
decapitate's ""take off one's hat.""
"
"this thug grabbed my forearm, insisting
that i yield, though i kept on resisting.
then he wrenched a small portion
of my arm: dextrotorsion
(to the right). what a terrible twisting!
"
"bernie babbles, and i take dictation.
understanding him? what a vexation!
type his letter? a pain,
but i never complain.
i am paid and get two weeks vacation.
"
"private barger, your ego's too large.
if you keep mouthing off to the sarge?
with that backtalk and sass?
then your court-martialed ass
will confront a dishonorable discharge.
"
"guy designed his campaigning divisively,
and he won the election decisively.
when his plot was revealed,
all divisions were healed
and the public reacted derisively.
"
"his assaults were severe and remorseless.
she felt helpless, alone, and resourceless.
though her spouse was her foe,
he would not let her go,
so she suffered in silence, divorceless.
"
"""let's denazify""?that's what you preach?
""let's get rid of those bullies who teach
so much hatred!"" but how
can we manage it now
without losing our freedom of speech?
"
"when he found that the tongue was protrusible
on his clown mask, his mind was a crucible
of hot-blooded stress.
there was no need to guess;
the reaction of bess was deducible.
"
"i've perfected our race plan. i think
that our crew will be rowing in sync.
we'll be victors with ease.
don't desynchronize, please!
hope will sink if we're off by a wink!
"
"hit a tree and demolished some bark
with my car, coming home in the dark,
when i pulled in last night, and
had nearly no light, and
was forced to?good grief?angle-park!
"
"i have bias; you'll never remove it.
my conclusions are right in the groove; it
might give your brain calluses,
but my fancy analysis
assures that my data will prove it.
"
"that's the best looking paper i've seen?
looks handmade with a surface that's clean,
just the hint of a speckle,
and rough edges?the deckle.
what? the deckle is made by machine?
"
"when i met him, i'd never have guessed
jess would rob me of all i possessed.
dispossessed now, i weep;
i can't eat, drink, or sleep.
i am under duress and depressed.
"
"""what a misery!"" cries richie chisholm.
""i've a gender identity schism.
i was raised as a female,
but turned out to be male?
i've pseudohermaphroditism.""
"
"many bargains were found at the dime store;
in my youth it seemed such a sublime store!
ten cents, way back then,
at the town five-and-ten,
bought a lot, so the place was our prime store.
"
"a man fell in love with a kitty,
and wrote her a sweet little ditty.
she sang right along
with his amorous song,
though her yowling was not very pretty.
"
"when one cyst buds off from another,
we don't call it sibling, or brother,
or offspring, or heir?
you can guess if you dare?
it's a daughter cyst, formed from its mother.
"
"cut to ribbons, i'm fully defeated;
of triumph, i'm totally cheated.
as the idiom quips,
i've been snipped into strips,
so i'm off to my doc to get treated.
"
"dendrocalamus: clumping bamboo?
it's gigantic and beautiful too.
ask me, ""where does it grow?""
southeast asia, i know.
""and in india too?"" yes, it's true!
"
"mcburney began his long journey
with a pledge that, as district attorney,
he'd crack down on the mob.
""if he does get the job,""
said the don, ""he'll go out on a gurney.""
"
"""you've been married before?  you're a digamist,""
said my wife, but i thought she said ""bigamist.""
she explained that, of course,
i had had a divorce.
were there two, she'd be calling me trigamist.
"
"she spreads gladness; her joy is diffusive.
how she strews it? her method's elusive:
just to be in her presence
cheers peers, perks up peasants.
(her happiness-sharing's inclusive.)
"
"in the library i was perusing
an art book while quietly boozing.
i kept hitting the juice
as i studied toulouse;
then i barfed, and it wasn't amusing.
"
"i consider this shopping spot when
i have run out of milk once again,
or need beer, or some bread,
or some toothpaste, or thread?
the convenience store out on route 10.
"
"many difficulties, dear, lie ahead,
many obstacles, some that i dread.
there's convincing your dad
i'm a god-fearing lad,
and your mum i'm no bum?then we'll wed.
"
"all that pasta we ate at the festa
is now lodged in our guts; it's digesta.
let the victuals digest;
what we need is a rest.
be my guest?let's enjoy a siesta!
"
"i have found, as i've studied rodentia,
among chipmunks, a prime differentia
which tells species apart;
so i thank with whole heart
all my training in modern scientia.
"
"at the hairdresser's shop, they cried, ""style us!
choose the haircut that will not defile us.""
but the twins were two screwballs?
as bald as two cue balls.
the barber replied, ""you're depilous!""
"
"when you're aged, dental care's gerodontic.
in your diet, you'll meet the rhapontic.
folks will serve it to you
as stewed rhubarb?a clue
that you've reached ripe old age, geriontic.
"
"on his coffin, you laid a large wreath
for the artisan lying beneath.
i asked, ""what did he do
for a living?""  and you
answered, ""denturism?making false teeth.""
"
"gert's impetuous husband was curt.
over dinner he roared, in a spurt:
""i'm deserting. i'm gone!""
gert cried, ""bert, just hang on;
don't go 'way?at least stay for dessert!""
"
"for conquest, a usable tool
is the adage ""divide and then rule.""
seems the romans kept peace,
having won all of greece,
with this principle?man, that was cool!
"
"a butcher encountered a thief,
and was robbed of a brisket of beef.
""i feel grief,"" he said, ""but
from the breast it was cut;
not the tenderloin?that's a relief!""
"
"said phoebe, whose husband had cheated,
""he denies it, and i feel defeated
by his shameless offensive.
divorce is expensive,
and my anger's intensive, deep-seated!""
"
"divisiveness: mission to split
groups of people who once were close-knit,
so each rumor and lie
that is shared, by and by,
will divide, say, the yank from the brit.
"
"debby sat with her legs crossed demurely.
""there's a girl i can win,"" i thought, ""surely!
she is modest?not cheap!""
then she yelled, ""get lost, creep!""
(in my judgment of chicks, i do poorly.)
"
"in a blood vessel, what's adventitial?
when it's viewed from without, the initial
coat guarding the vein,
so i think it is plain:
it's the layer that's most superficial.
"
"each cadet is impeccably dressed
in a uniform, cleaned and then pressed.
they can all pass inspection
from any direction?
right and left, front and rear; they're the best!
"
"i have stated my problem with candor.
i'm allergic to pussycat dander,
and the flakes that she'll shed
make me wish i were dead.
puss, well bred, claims i don't understand her.
"
"the disease that is known as devic's
we see more in chinese than in greeks.
it displays great unkindness?
paralysis, blindness?
in peaks and may last many weeks.
"
"said my grandpa when i was a kid:
""you must do certain chores, as i bid.
mop the floors, mow the lawn...""
i'd get up with the dawn.
all that could have been done? that i did!
"
"the reformer named dorothea dix
didn't have to use gimmicks or tricks.
she spoke frankly until
all the mentally ill
had good care?what a system to fix!
"
"once phlogiston was thought to inspire
combustion when something caught fire.
it would burn?dephlogisticate.
today a sophisticate
finds such theses are hard to admire.
"
"my dad's a  gourmand and he tipples.
as he eats, he'll drink gin from the nipples
of his granddaughter's bottle,
and with every shot'll
eat deckers?not doubles, but triples.
"
"this drug was used widely before
there were findings docs couldn't ignore.
it was thought less addictive,
but that theory was fictive;
not much demerol's sold anymore.
"
"because of a botched operation,
my hand is devoid of sensation,
and it lacks animation.
a bad situation?
the surgeon has caused denervation.
"
"pulled my window shade cord at an angle;
now it's fouled, and i must disentangle
both my arms and my neck.
think i'm joking? just check,
but be careful; don't pull?i may strangle!
"
"the caterer said, ""it's in vogue?
from this fountain will wine disembogue,
as your guests fill their glasses.""
but it drips as wine passes,
and it stains all their clothes. he's a rogue.
"
"saw my dentist today, got the blues.
there's dead pulp in my tooth, so i lose.
he said, ""bud, bite the bullet.
it's lost. i must pull it.""
with a gulp, then, i swallowed the news.
"
"dashing dan?he was never a masher;
for the railroad, an icon?a flasher.
not the dasher who sped
pulling santa's great sled,
he was just a commuter?a dasher.
"
"he's so nuts, he can't tell fore from aft,
and so daffy, he'd sink any craft,
but a guy who is daft
is exempt from the draft;
he's the fellow who's last to have laughed.
"
"i can't dance, and i won't take the chance
of attempting, lest nancy should glance
and remark, as i slip, ""oh,
that fellow's a hippo,
so clumsy, he's tripped on his pants.""
"
"daubentonia: genus of lemur;
face the color of coffee with creamer.
though the aye-aye's not strong,
when he's swinging along,
he'll be singing a song?he's a screamer.
"
"my grandkids have fun when they quiz
me, and manage to puzzle, or dizz
me, with: ""who rules bolivia?""
and similar trivia?
but they rarely succeed?i'm a whiz.
"
"not true bugs, like the order hemiptera,
are those terrible houseflies, the diptera.
like mosquitoes one sees,
pesky flies such as these
are not classed with the fleas (aphaniptera).
"
"has your dog demodectic (ugh!) mange,
spread by demodex?minuscule, strange,
and pestiferous mite?
at his skin he will bite.
use this salve and his outlook will change.
"
"not aunt juana who lives in tijuana,
or the folks in botswana or ghana,
would know of the myth
of maternity with
that odd goddess called danu or dana.
"
"my grandma's productions are daedal;
she can sew up a storm with her needle,
in perplexing designs.
her large tapestry shines
with its intricate vines, decempedal.
"
"if you suffer from diverticulosis
in your colon, improve the prognosis.
just stick to your diet;
you'll thrive if you try it,
and also avoid adiposis.
"
"when you've chewed up some food and you swallow,
it descends through a tube that is hollow.
in your stomach, digestion
proceeds without question?
more chemical breakdown to follow.
"
"""i'm expecting a federal grant
for the play that i wrote,"" says my aunt,
but i've reached the conclusion
that her hope's an illusion;
that poor lady i must disenchant.
"
"""when you said 'let's make music,' you flirted;
your recital is bogus!"" she blurted.
""just some friends at your flat;
i won't play, and that's that!""
with these words, he was left disconcerted.
"
"dime novels were cheap and exciting;
their covers were bright and inviting.
so much drama and crime,
and for only a dime!
what they lacked was superior writing.
"
"though their masters were cruel and depraved,
all the serfs were polite, well-behaved.
still each night they would pray
they'd have freedom some day;
in the end, they were all disenslaved.
"
"what's known as declaratory relief
isn't meant for a mugger or thief.
it's a statement of rights
in contractual fights
to help parties avoid later grief.
"
"""give some funds to our club. we'll rejoice?""
said mcgraw in a loud, bossy voice?
""though you've no obligation
for a hefty donation;
it's discretionary?purely your choice.""
"
"the curette is a surgical tool
i encountered in medical school.
this small scraper of steel
one could handle by feel
in routine d & cs, as a rule.
"
"of the coke dealer, cliff was scared stiff.
he paid fifty-five bucks for one sniff
that was talc, not cocaine.
when he tried to complain,
said the hood, ""man, you can't tell the diff!""
"
"at the discount house, prices are low.
it's the very first place that i go
when i need a tv.
though i won't get one free,
i have choice and i save lots of dough.
"
"when a guy who wrote truths for the wise
was awarded a non-fiction prize,
a voice from the crowd
cried: ""desist!"" very loud.
""stop the service! his book is all lies!""
"
"we discovered a vein rich in ore
and assumed we'd reap riches galore,
but we hit some dead ground.
the effect was profound;
with no more to be found, we were sore.
"
"sally spider, whose face was chelicerous,
loved ben beetle, whose head appeared dicerous.
though her pincers would bump
his two horns with a thump,
his great passion remained?it was viscerous.
"
"a dictionary's often a tome
where the zebu and fennec both roam,
but the former's ""an ox,""
and the latter's ""a fox""?
it's a place definitions call home.
"
"in the cold war, the communist sectors
of europe spawned many defectors.
they were stressed, did their best
to arrive in the west,
by avoiding the border protectors.
"
"a fellow repelled by loud noise
became dad to two boisterous boys.
these tumultuous twins
raised obstreperous dins.
now he's cured, and their roar he enjoys.
"
"you will not find this down in your crotch.
it's the trace of your pulse you must watch.
life is full of surprises?
your pulse has two rises
that form the dicrotic (yes!) notch.
"
"farmer mickens is losing his chickens.
seems each friday another one sickens.
are they up thursday night
reading books in poor light?
english novels? egad! what the dickens?
"
"the design for the butcher's memorial
was arboreal, featured an oriole.
""it's not fitting,"" i said,
but jed plunged right ahead
and approved it. the guy's dictatorial!
"
"when i heard ""global warming,"" i felt
that the ice up in greenland would melt.
now i find every glacier
is facing erasure?
by deglaciation grown svelte.
"
"""i've been threatened; i'm told i'm a goner,""
said ronald, a bold afrikaaner,
""if i don't play along
in a system that's wrong?
but i'd rather have death than dishonor.""
"
"tim had sighted the shark on his swim;
then his arm was divulsed. it was grim,
but the shark, on a whim,
spit it out?lucky him?
and the docs reattached his torn limb.
"
"these are poisons. i'll see if i can
detoxicate some. that's my plan.
i'll detoxicate, too,
one who drinks too much brew?
get the alcohol out of the man.
"
"take the nucleus out?man, that's drastic?
of a cell, and what's left's cytoplastic.
called the cytoplast, it
can't divide, i'll admit,
but the parts that still work are fantastic.
"
"to wear sumptuous clothes bjorn was born.
now his outfit is spoilt, he's forlorn.
seems his brother, who relished
the chance, disembellished
the beautiful suit he had worn.
"
"be a dear; take me down to the pier.
there the sails are on sale, and the gear.
i need stuff for my yachts?
but of cash i've not lots,
and although it's on sale, gear is dear.
"
"i like beaches. i'm off on a trip,
and my travel companion, a drip,
says, ""i know you're not prone
to go swimming alone.""
hell, i will, if i must, take a dip.
"
"lost my upper jaw teeth?it's my fate
that i wear an immense dental plate.
i apply it with glue;
it allows me to chew,
but it?oops!?must be something i ate.
"
"with madonna i've one commonality?
it's important to me, in reality?
not in sex appeal, smile,
nor in talent, nor style.
we're right-handed: we both share dextrality.
"
"all the houses i see around town
are dilapidated: worn, broken-down.
with some funds,  we'd rebuild,
and the folks would be thrilled,
but our project was killed, so i frown.
"
"seek an aye-aye? just try madagascar,
not idaho, maine, or nebrasker.
as he hasn't thick fur, he
would freeze in a hurry?
that's why he's not found in alasker.
"
"said the soldier on guard at his station,
""i am proud to be serving my nation,
but i'd rather be home,
plowing rows of dark loam,
so i pray for demilitarization.""
"
"he's discourteous, ill-mannered, rude.
when my restaurant's food he reviewed,
he both booed and pooh-poohed it
in language most crude?it
is time that the bully was sued.
"
"a role model??that's my friend meyer.
tinting cloth, all the guys he'd inspire,
but the chemical dyes
made him sick?there he lies.
his condition? it's said to be dire.
"
"i received a polite invitation
to describe haiti's full population
demographically?pages
of heights, weights, and ages,
occupations. it caused a sensation.
"
"when our club had its rededication,
we decided, with some trepidation,
to direct dues and fees
toward the saving of trees?
we would work against disforestation.
"
"what's discoverable? that can be found
in the process of looking around?
in an organized search,
or a glance from your perch.
nature's gifts, although hidden, abound.
"
"spies have entered my house. here's the plug
for the mikes hidden under my rug.
when recorders reacted,
red ants were attracted.
trouble doubled; i've got to debug.
"
"all steve's stories, at first, we believed.
now we're all disappointed, aggrieved.
while he once was our hero,
he's now thought a zero.
disenchanted, we're now undeceived.
"
"bob's a snob; he's aloof and disdainous.
his manner's disdainful and heinous.
when he deigns to address us,
his messages stress us.
he's plainly a pain in the anus!
"
"if your heifers show no indication
of accepting your bull's invitation,
my proposal, initial,
is: try artificial
insemination to spur procreation.
"
"my muscles are tense, awfully tight;
i get spasms by day and by night.
if you give me some dantrium,
i won't throw a tantrium?
it just might be what's right for my plight.
"
"just hearing the name made me quiver.
""black disease,"" said our vet, with a shiver.
""you will lose all your stock,
both your herd and your flock
from this germ and those flukes in the liver.""
"
"of each speakeasy hidden away,
he's a denizen and devotee,
and he haunts each cafe,
each obscure cabaret,
that's in dennison township, pa.
"
"what? you don't know enough to disguise
your delight at a rival's  demise?
i surmise: when one dies,
you wave smiling goodbyes
as he closes his eyes.  is that wise?
"
"a cutting horse (mount that's preferred
on the range) when it's properly spurred,
often proves itself agile,
not clumsy or fragile,
when cutting off steers from the herd.
"
"captain mott met his death on his yacht.
did his crew see him die? they did not.
at post mortem we found,
in his heart (big and round),
a cerise currant jelly-type clot.
"
"tiny daphnia, how you must wish
you were not such a favorite dish.
though not easy to see,
you minute water flea,
you are used to feed tropical fish.
"
"we had thought our professor was wise,
but he seems to depersonalize
every student. he treats us
like objects?defeats us.
we're robots in that fellow's eyes!
"
"the curricula taught at our school
are the basics?required, as a rule.
but a few are enhanced;
one might say they're advanced,
though rejected by kids as uncool.
"
"we're all happy with ted's didacticity.
good at teaching, despite eccentricity,
he has mastered simplicity,
we admit with felicity.
let's help with his lectures' publicity.
"
"as his chopper from washington lands,
with a cell phone in hand, he commands
in a deafening voice.
he explains his loud choice:
""if i shout, then the lout understands!""
"
"when i die will the lord disembody
my soul from my corpse, gross and cloddy?
will i rise, spirit pure,
to the skies? well, i'm sure
i won't greet old st. pete looking shoddy.
"
"said mcgraw to his mother-in-law:
""you're so icy, so cold! please dethaw.""
her rejoinder, you ask?
well, she warmed to the task,
and she landed a punch on his jaw.
"
"its geography tends to create
awful tides that rise high and abate.
baffin bay to atlantic,
its waves appear frantic.
they're its dominant trait?davis strait.
"
"just as newton, inspired by an apple,
with gravity's physics would grapple,
the cysteine dimer
inspired this old-timer?
i'm stoned in my own cystine chapel.
"
"if the sounds in each ear are dichotic,
they differ, but that's not exotic.
no, it's commonly found
and makes stereo sound,
with a blending that seems symbiotic.
"
"clofazimine's useful to treat
folks with leprosy?germs to defeat
(though as b 663,
it was made for tb).
add two drugs and the treatment's complete.
"
"an unhappy young lady from ware?
""from where?"" ""it's in hertfordshire... there!""?
felt so lost she was hopeless
and helpless, and copeless.
despairful, this dame didn't care.
"
"as i age, i am often bemused
at how  teenagers' egos are bruised.
every time i see jim
look at joan, i see him
discombobulated?deeply confused.
"
"""what's the cause of your moans and your groans?
is your bladder afflicted with stones?""
""no, desmopathy's hit
and inflamed?quite a bit?
certain ligaments joining my bones.""
"
"diplocephalus? check these twins' creds:
in their room there's no need for two beds.
they're as close, you'll agree,
as two people can be?
they've one body supporting two heads.
"
"a player who's not namby-pamby
is basketball star marcus camby.
both with right hand and left,
he is dextrous?so deft
that he isn't just dextrous; he's ambi-.
"
"""my new newspaper job is grotesque work.
i'm desk-bound and flooded with deskwork.
what makes matters worse?""
said mcgurk with a curse,
""it is meaningless drivel, burlesque work.""
"
"a student of dental pathology
has to study and grasp the biology
of the mouth, gums, and teeth,
and the structures beneath,
and must master the latest technology.
"
"a limerick about diarrhea
may seem like a stupid idea.
only crude-minded fools
would write odes to loose stools
one contracted in east tanzania.
"
"my friend david, a lonely jamaican,
was left by his wife and was shaken.
the sad situation
brought deep desolation?
abandoned, he felt quite forsaken.
"
"i awoke in a sweat when i dreamt
that our priest was no longer exempt
from suspicion. surprisingly,
i reacted despisingly?
looked down on the man with contempt.
"
"if the girl you once prized as a vamp
now seems daily much more like a tramp;
if what first appeared cutish
seems more and more brutish,
it's time to  make tracks, to decamp.
"
"""in a war or disaster,"" fred said,
""the death-roll's the list of the dead.
at the end of each battle,
i count them like cattle?
on tuesday i logged fifty head.""
"
"with the captain i had a debate.
though the load i delivered was great,
it did not fill his hold
per agreement. he told
me he'd levy a charge for dead freight.
"
"a powerful creature, the bison?
some buffalo gal's and some guy's son?
makes guttural sounds
and weighs 2,000 pounds.
do you think he could flatten mike tyson?
"
"i was born on the fourth of july;
i was wed neath a spread august sky.
in september (week two)
i came down with the flu;
in october, they say i will pass away.
"
"order dumplings the next time you eat
chinese food; you will find them a treat,
though the portions are small.
to the waiter you'll call:
""bring more dim sum! the meal's incomplete!""
"
"if i'm deaf, i don't know what you say,
and i'm prone to respond with an ""eh?""
cup my hand round my ear
(that will help me to hear) ?
what was that you said? have a nice day?
"
"at daybreak we swooned from the dewiness
of the meadow?a dampness, not gooeyness.
of the ode that i wrote,
said my husband (i quote):
""it just showed me your natural screwiness.""
"
"an amerind princess (mohican)
had ambitions to strengthen, not weaken,
her church. never sinister,
she'd help out her minister
as deaconess?feminine deacon.
"
"i am dauntless; i never retreat
as i read every word on each sheet,
and i scour each line
in my quest to refine
your coarse language, to make it discreet.
"
"on discovery day we are blessed
with a day for rejoicing and rest,
so we needn't be sober
on the twelfth of october
(when  columbus arrived in the west).
"
"while preparing to pay off the bill
to the store for my barbecue grill,
i uncovered some trouble:
those crooks charged me double!
the discovery gave me a chill.
"
"mr. bruce shows discourtesy, rudeness,
with locutions that border on lewdness.
he is so impolite,
i imagine we might
cite the guy for gratuitous crudeness.
"
"as a teen i was wise, knew a lot.
did i have any doubts? i did not!
i've?since then?learned a bit,
and i have to admit
that i sure don't know diddly-squat!
"
"when my bitch had her litter, she barked;
as she birthed them, my interest was sparked.
some were white with brown spots,
others beige with black dots;
seems each puppy was differently marked.
"
"my computer slows down?i go dotty,
as my technical knowledge is spotty,
so i often resort
to call mort?tech support.
mort is one of the young digerati.
"
"as the farmer was dying he pled,
""let me lie neath my farm when i'm dead.
the soil's soft and will yield
in the northeastern field.
it's a diggable spot."" so he said.
"
"i found an odd word. it's digamma.
i imagined a whole panorama
of meanings?but, better,
it's an early greek letter,
and for me that is quite enough drama.
"
"ed is striving to look more athletic,
but his methods are just dietetic.
ask him why; he'll reply
that he's exercise-shy,
so he'll do it with food?how pathetic!
"
"from this rash, there's an itchy sensation,
but to scratch it engenders frustration;
and what's worse (it's obscene)
my whole arm's turning green?
a disfiguring discoloration.
"
"the beef plant has leaves that grow red,
so for planting in gardens it's bred.
this perennial herb,
while its tint is superb,
is a medicine too, so it's said.
"
"just to gaze upon mary is scary;
her arms and her legs are so hairy!
so i said, ""don't be dilatory?
employ a depilatory.
for the silky smooth skin of a fairy!""
"
"the dita, an indian tree,
is a sight that is pleasant to see.
while its leaves are quite leathery
and flowers more feathery,
its bark makes medicinal tea.
"
"the dispute was a good opportunity
to highlight our union's disunity.
half the members yelled, ""walk!""
and the rest said, ""let's talk,
as a strike will produce impecunity.""
"
"at first it was mainly taxation,
without, of course, representation,
they resisted like hell.
in the end, they'd rebel,
and they'd issue their great  declaration.
"
"on your pension you have to depend,
so you try to save dough when you spend.
don't just pray for a miscount;
i'll get you a discount
through a friend of a friend of a friend.
"
"what jed wrote wasn't clever or cute.
it was nasty?mistaken, to boot!
much too crude to be edited,
his work was discredited?
disgraced, held in deep disrepute.
"
"discreditably fouling our name,
cousin mame was to blame and became
steeped in evil so deep
that ""our family's black sheep""
is the sole honor mamie can claim.
"
"when our leader hung onto his perch
after scandalous sex left a smirch,
we were left in the lurch
in our spiritual search,
as the chief disestablished our church.
"
"disagreements were worse than they'd thought.
though both mort and his wife were distraught
as they argued discordantly,
mort commented, mordantly,
that their marriage fared best when they fought.
"
"a decal's a paste-on that's sticky.
applying it right can be tricky.
on his windshield, my son
stuck a government one?
upside down, and all crinkled and icky.
"
"when the singer appeared on stage nudely,
the audience booed her quite crudely?
so discourteously that
she exclaimed, ""yes, i'm fat,
but that doesn't excuse acting rudely!""
"
"come next june, sixty years we will be
married happily?marty and me,
and our town will arrive
at age seventy-five.
it's a diamond (for both) jubilee.
"
"in sri lanka, the danio fish
live in streams where they swim with a swish.
here they live in aquaria?
they're big in this area.
i'll sell you a few, if you wish.
"
"the landowner cut down a wood
and made boards. then he saw that he could
dispense all the lumber
to his neighbors?a number
were poor. there he'd do the most good.
"
"jim discriminates, showing his bias,
as he speaks to our class from the dais:
""we want no non-believers;
they're faithless deceivers.
we limit our school to the pious.""
"
"the decalogue moses brought down
from mount sinai had brought him renown,
but he heard the folks shout,
""what? adultery's out?""
as each wandered about with a frown.
"
"bangladesh has a capital city
where the government sits, and it's pretty.
there's no reason to knock a
fine city like dacca.
i've never been there?more's the pity!
"
"""i adore this brown sugar,"" cried sarah,
""i doubt you can ever compare a
white sugar from beets
to this finest of treats
from guyana, the real demerara.""
"
"once a deaf guy, who came from siam,
met a lady while riding the tram.
she inquired, ""are  you thai?""
he replied, ""so am i.""
(guess his lip-reading skills were a sham.)
"
"it's a joke that's so old it's a pain,
and in limbo it ought to remain:
""your big hound?what's his name?""
""call him 'hamlet.' i claim
he was named after shakespeare's great dane.""
"
"i'm afraid farmer max has been lax
in protecting his hemp and his flax.
i see dewrotting there,
a depressing affair,
caused by sun, rain, and dew. see the cracks?
"
"""i denervated somebody's arm!""
the young surgeon cried out with alarm.
with a look of sheer terror
he admitted his error,
""cut the nerves, though i meant him no harm.""
"
"when the kidneys don't function, dialysis
saves peasants, and princes in palaces.
heed advice of doc sidney's:
""sans functional kidneys,
imagine how useless one's phallus is.""
"
"addition, subtraction, division:
trish performs them with utmost precision?
in her head?but watch out!
when she's driving about,
computation can cause a collision.
"
"every christmas the berries, by golly,
adorn our deciduous holly.
though the leaves may be gone
(or still strewn on the lawn),
the delightful red drupes make us jolly.
"
"a diarist writes, in a diary,
of events in a town, or a friary,
or a prison, or school?
every day, as a rule.
his reports range from boring to fiery.
"
"an old prioress, stuck in her priory,
wrote her fantasies down in a diary.
when she died, it was found.
people passed it around.
the result was a papal inquiry.
"
"diastalsis: intestinal action
that brings me intense satisfaction.
moving food through my gut
needs some squeeze-action, but
inhibition precedes the contraction.
"
"in diapause,  scientists know,
metabolic activity's slow,
yet this bugs' adaptation
is not hibernation.
different signals say ""stop,"" and then ""go.""
"
"aunt annette gets upset; here's her thesis:
uncle chet's using psychokinesis.
when he breaks things, she frets.
he regrets it, and sweats?
getting wet with his diaphoresis.
"
"found in pete's hematology thesis:
""a leucocyte's work never ceases.
when playing the medic
it's diapedetic?
it travels by diapedesis.""
"
"he was suddenly roused from his slumber,
where in dreams he had failed to outnumber
the foes he would mangle.
he'll now disentangle
his mind, and his soul disencumber.
"
"if you're riding a long-distance train,
easing hunger can sure be a pain.
try a dining car dinner;
you'll find it a winner,
well-prepared, though the food may be plain.
"
"when he died, his soul floated above,
in the air, like a hovering dove.
disembodied, it rose
light-years up, i suppose,
to a galaxy fashioned of love.
"
"i've a limerick on discous, and thus
let's examine, talk over, discuss:
would we ever confuse
that old word we don't use
with discuss? not a chance! why the fuss?
"
"all the expletives here i've deleted?
in your paper, these words were repeated!
when you write a report,
don't use words of the sort
that describe what a bovine excreted!
"
"said a wealthy young man from bohemia,
""you'll stay poor if you choose academia.
my success?i've no debts?
with invertebrate pets
is with sea monkeys, genus artemia.""
"
"there's a fortune involved that is sizable,
and a fair distribution's advisable.
if the question's decidable?
an answer providable?
resolution is then realizable.
"
"lots of names?this plant's hard to believe.
""lords and ladies,"" and ""adam and eve,""
it's called ""cuckoo-pint"" too,
""naked boys""?quite a few?
and it's got a lot more up its sleeve.
"
"the pirate who's good with a creese
can vanquish his foes without cease.
as he gives, with this kris,
a mortiferous kiss,
rivals flee like a gaggle of geese.
"
"captain smee was unable to see
with his eye on the right, so that he
had impaired depth perception.
committing subreption,
he said, ""i'm deficiency-free!""
"
"there are many dishonorable acts.
every vice and infraction detracts
from one's good reputation
and earns condemnation,
as colleagues discover the facts.
"
"in our family, doctors detect a
dental weakness that's known to reflect a
bad gene, and this menace is
called dentinogenesis
(i checked the next word) imperfecta.
"
"you've been gypped on your round-the-world trip,
and your travel companion's a drip?
you may feel  liberation
at your last debarkation,
when you're finally leaving  the ship.
"
"here's a word used by chaucer: discrive.
it's a word that's no longer alive,
as we now say ""describe.""
you may offer a bribe,
but i think it's too dead to revive.
"
"there's frustration, or maybe elation,
as you near your desired destination
on a plane or a ship,
but the end of your trip
is most certain to be disembarkation.
"
"a detention house?that's what it's called?
is deluged with delinquents. they're hauled
into court by police,
who then herd them like geese,
to be jailed in a place that's high-walled.
"
"though its flowers are redder than blood,
this old rosebush, i fear, is a dud.
all my roses are small;
they're not plumpish at all,
so this summer i plan to disbud.
"
"ecologists stress conservation
of our woodlands and say disboscation,
to glean lumber, or farm,
can engender great harm.
in the end we'll need reforestation.
"
"the justice was found with a wench
in a clench, and it raised a great stench.
yes, the public objected;
his colleagues suspected
perhaps they had grounds to disbench.
"
"i get hurt in a tussle with russell.
to my old orthopedist i hustle.
what's my therapy? physical.
my attitude? quizzical,
as the diathermy heats up my muscle.
"
"doesn't hear, doesn't speak?what's become
of my brother? he seems deaf-and-dumb.
is it only a joke?
has he smoked too much coke?
jess nods ""yes,"" but stays perfectly mum.
"
"a dignathus has two lower jaws
due to one of biology's flaws.
it's a rare aberration
during fetal gestation.
for this, nature wins no applause.
"
"no need to buy canvas for stretching
when you're working on glass, acid etching.
any kind of design
will look fine; look at mine!
it's a portrait of you, and quite fetching.
"
"rule by devils (it's called demonocracy)
features evil, i'd guess, and hypocrisy,
so bribe satan's lieutenants
to avoid sinners' penance
in lucifer's hellish bureaucracy.
"
"i met a petite demoiselle;
she was sweet and a real southern belle.
we went out on a date,
but i erred?sealed my fate?
when i drove to the local motel.
"
"the maternity nurse cried, ""banzai!""
when she asked, and i told her that i
was to name my son taro?
though yank to the marrow,
blond hair, and eyes blue as the sky.
"
"what is demonism? bows to the fiend
at a sabbath of witches, convened
by a crew you can't straighten,
in worship of satan.
it's filth that can never be cleaned.
"
"curie's law has no flaw, you'll agree.
it is named for the chemist curie,
that frenchman so wise
he received nobel's prize,
and his wife won one too?that's marie!
"
"""here's your quiz, and the questions, again, are:
what's a deni? how many's a denar?""
""mr. wizard, that's trivia!""
cried my classmate, olivia.
""it's a guy thing,"" said i, ""that's how men are.""
"
"my dentist had praised him effusively;
he's the broker we dealt with exclusively.
we invested our cash.
the result? worse than trash;
seems he'd promised large profits delusively.
"
"""in a field where it's grassy and herby,
we'll wreck all our old cars,"" murmured kirby.
""i'll drive fast and drive sloppy
in grandma's jalopy,
and crash in our demolition derby!""
"
"a large bonus, this year, wasn't earnable,
so a drop in my income's discernible,
and next april, i guess,
when i pay irs,
i'll find less of my assets returnable.
"
"disimbitter yourself. be of cheer.
make that sarcasm just disappear.
lose that scowl; make it snappy.
this club's for the happy;
we'll welcome no sourpuss here!
"
"disheartenment messed up our club
when a player was hurt, and a sub
played so badly that we
lost one hundred to three.
we're so glum, we've gone down to the pub.
"
"it's called cytomegalic inclusion
disease?it's a nasty intrusion.
when a baby's infected,
its mother's expected
to suffer despair and confusion.
"
"""our firm has a good reputation
building privies all over the nation.
now you want to make brooms
and expensive perfumes?""
""i'm proposing diversification.""
"
"""as a playwright, i've earned admiration,
and my works get a standing ovation.
now a bee's in your bonnet?
you insist on a sonnet!""
""i'm proposing diversification.""
"
"seems his flock is attempting to block
the new bishop's intent to defrock
father rocco?who made
some mistakes, but has paid
for his sins. it's a terrible shock!
"
"disgorgement? it means ""throwing up""?
half a gallon, a pint, or a cup.
first you feel you must vomit,
then out, like a comet,
both breakfast and supper go. yup!
"
"though he's blind, dale can dress, disentrail
any beast, from a mouse to a whale.
just by feel, he makes cuts
and removes all the guts,
while he reads the instructions in braille.
"
"sure, the word for it's not very nice,
but just try some?my friendly advice.
you will rave as you savor
its great cajun flavor,
in spite of its name: dirty rice.
"
"i'm inspecting your shop and detect a
source of germs that is bound to infect a
person eating the cakes
your large bakery makes?
i object to this rodent dejecta!
"
"a charming young wastrel named artie
is in charge of the chores at the party.
now he delegates work
and relaxes?the jerk?
while we slave, the guy shirks. what a smartie.
"
"my hair color's called dirty blonde;
of this name i have never been fond.
it's light brown, and it's clean,
with gold highlights and sheen.
call it dirty? with tears i'll respond.
"
"your son has deformed genitalia?
diphallus, called also diphallia.
in other ways he
seems as sound as can be.
don't permit this one fault to derail ya!
"
"there's a death warrant waiting for ted.
if they catch him, they'll render him dead.
i might help him, be kind,
but this sticks in my mind:
there's a mighty high price on his head!
"
"said the visiting prof from bohemia,
""dextriferron will help with anemia
if it's iron-deficient.""
i thought him omniscient?
the cream of esteemed academia.
"
"my friend, the cryptographer schroeder,
labored long to become a decoder.
day and night he'd be slaving,
not bathing or shaving,
so i knew he was there by his odor.
"
"""deportment's behavior, demeanor,""
said my manners instructor, ms. weiner.
""when you mix with society,
perform with propriety?
wearing clothes that are fresh from the cleaner.""
"
"his excuses piled on with a trowel,
howie made an extreme disavowal
of opinions expressed
on the dress of his guest:
""i did not say it looked like a towel!""
"
"""i am seeking some help with nutrition,""
said the crone to the young dietitian.
""if i take your advice,
will it make me look nice?""
""i'm a dietist, not a magician!""
"
"""dietetists treat illness through diet,""
said aunt vi. sy replied, ""i don't buy it.
eating beans and split peas
couldn't cure my disease!""
""sy, don't knock it until you first try it.""
"
"as a law clerk, i lavished great care
on my labors; vacations were rare.
all this work was preparatory
to a statute, declaratory?
expounding what's already there.
"
"auntie left me a major annuity,
paying interest in (yes) perpetuity,
though she lived in the back
of a broken-down shack.
i am awed by this strange discongruity.
"
"the moon is a beautiful sphere
that delights us some nights when it's clear,
but it seems to change girth
as it circles the earth
twelve (or is it thirteen?) times a year.
?
there's a face like a sketchy cartoon
that appears on this silver balloon.
when it's full, we can view him,
though some would pooh-pooh him
by mooning the man in the moon.
"
"the midwife was kind, had no malice,
and her tone was empathic, not callous,
but her message was trouble:
""your newborn has double
male genitals?yes, it's diphallus.""
"
"the car that mccarthy had rented
came back to the shop badly dented.
he was charged a high price
for repairs. ""that ain't nice!""
he remarked, feeling vexed, discontented.
"
"lola felt like the death knell had tolled
when her guy left her out in the cold.
now she's sad as can be,
and disconsolate; she
is so lovelorn, she can't be consoled.
"
"seems she's fallen in love with a rigger
in the oil fields; his income is bigger.
""that digger of ditches
is stubborn. the hitch is,""
she says, ""i must first ditch the  digger.""
"
"chip and kip, each as smart as a whip,
sit together when taking a trip.
but not just on a ride
do they stay side-by-side.
this diplopagus joins at the hip.
"
"i robustly resent this displacement
from my office?the one with the casement.
i can't work very well
in a windowless cell.
hell, it seems that my fate is abasement!
"
"he invested his money in skis' wax,
which he made very cheaply from trees' wax.
but he would not explain
either losses or gain.
all he said was: ""that's none of your beeswax.""
"
"distogingival problems are junctional?
where the tooth meets the gum. if dysfunctional,
it needs help from the dentist
to whom i'm apprenticed.
(my advice is assured, not compunctional.)
"
"for distilling our latest depilatory,
i had asked to use wilson's distillatory.
after first saying ""yes""
he had doubts, i would guess,
as his actions were lagging and dilatory.
"
"chlorothiazide?cunning invention?
is a drug with an extra dimension.
when there's fluid upwelling,
it brings down the swelling,
and it's useful to treat hypertension.
"
"if you've bugs in your house or your  manger,
insecticides can pose a danger?
disulfoton may
be quite toxic, they say.
use an expert, and one who's no stranger.
"
"hell, you might as well put up a banner.
people judge, by your cuckoldly manner,
that you've horns on your head.
in another man's bed
lies your wife (our club's sociable planner).
"
"every medical student will brag
on the day he acquires a black bag,
but that satchel's for fools
who use burglary  tools;
and in england it's what dustmen drag.
"
"eschewing all topics statistical,
our discussions have verged on the mystical.
i adore dialogical
dates?pedagogical
chats that are dialogistical.
"
"before we have plighted our troth
and have sought out a man of the cloth,
i expect you to bring
me a large diamond ring,
not this pitiful diamondback moth.
"
"when my headaches caused anguish and groans,
i took herbs that to me were unknowns,
then got fractures. i guess
they demineralized?yes,
leached the calcium out of my bones.
"
"i had written a slavery skit
and asked schmidt if he'd like to dewitt
(that means ""brutally lynch"").
he said, ""sure; it's a cinch.
i'm a sadist?the role's a good fit!""
"
"a dim-witted guy joined a gym
and showed up for a swim. it was grim:
he read laddies for ladies
on the rest room. ""oh hades!""
he cried, and was torn limb from limb.
"
"he's a penguin?a bird who'll admire
high society guys, and aspire,
like a rich san franciscan
(though he's just a spheniscan),
to always wear formal attire.
"
"a surgeon from west oklahoma
tried to cure an old lady's glaucoma,
but the cyclodialysis
caused optic paralysis.
she asked, ""have you got a diploma?""
"
"on the ocean (we call it the deep)
i was lulled into very deep sleep.
there my deeply felt dreams
had profoundly deep themes.
in the deepfreeze of mem'ry they'll keep.
"
"the reflex that's called hoffmann's sign
helps your doctor decide if you're fine.
a response to this digital
snap, if a fidget, 'll
point to the brain and the spine.
"
"hoffmann's sign?yes, the second?can serve
to predict, with a tap on a nerve
causing pain in the face,
a new tetany case,
in which ankle and wrist joints will curve.
"
"bruce's thesis abounds in abstruseness.
it has no major theme, and its looseness
makes me sigh, ""what's the use?""
i can find no excuse
for his rambling, unfocused diffuseness.
"
"city councilmen, ready to gloat
over building new quarters, take note
that chet's likely to fret
about raising the debt
and will differingly cast a ""no"" vote.
"
"i was hoping the boss would anoint
me as sergeant in charge of our joint,
but he let me try out
for a week, and no doubt
he won't keep me?he will disappoint.
"
"my father is always adept
at arguing. dad can discept
with most anyone, but
his rebuttals most cut
when he spars with my mom, who's inept.
"
"her photo was blurred, indistinct,
and her dress was ungirded, discinct,
yet ben claimed that her body
was gorgeous, not shoddy
(but  then?when ben said so?he winked).
"
"behind these tall bushes we'll crouch,
while the enemy soldiers debouch.
then we'll write a report
of a top-secret sort?
for our foe's dreadful strength we can vouch.
"
"""my accountant has made me a wreck.
i believe he's been lying like heck.
i can't prove it,"" sighs sue,
""and my taxes are due,""
disbelievingly signing the check.
"
"shoppers searching for alcohol find
some that's labeled denatured?the kind
that, along with the ethanol,
has poisons like methanol.
those who drink it get sick or go blind.
"
"from the time that a corncob is born,
by sweet kernels adorned (proudly worn),
grains are plump and contented,
except for the dented?
the ones that you'll find in dent corn.
"
"the cokehead was losing at poker
and wagered our grandma's gold choker?
made with jade, set pav??
which he lost right away.
thus her necklace fell prey to a coker.
"
"what's a dixie cup? ask any tar:
it's his hat! ask at claire's dairy bar:
it's an ice cream served up
in a small paper cup,
and a brand that is known near and far.
"
"did the bats on the ark wait till dark
to venture ashore (to debark),
then take off in the night
on a map-making flight?
two explorers, like lewis and clark?
"
"he was hit on the side of the head
by a nightstick. good lord, how he bled!
did the blow manufacture
a deep direct fracture?
if so, that is why the guy's dead.
"
"the cuneiform cartilage?where
will we find it? we all have a pair,
one each side of the larynx,
in front of the pharynx.
as support, each contributes its share.
"
"these sentences always declare,
whether lengthy and wordy or spare.
words are many or few,
and they needn't be true.
an example: ""i make what i wear.""
"
"a dipsogen brings on a thirst.
drink some fluid; you'll find it's reversed,
but the thirst will return
if its cause you can't learn
and remove it?you'll feel that you're cursed.
"
"some diseases we know are dipsetic,
bringing thirst. they are so diuretic
they produce dehydration,
and a thirsty sensation?
thus the name of the state: diabetic.
"
"""count your blessings"" may seem like a platitude
if you're blue, but a positive attitude
can improve your condition.
your mood (disposition)
perks up when you start feeling gratitude.
"
"some air heading down to your lung,
once it's passed right in back of your tongue,
will remain in that place,
and be stuck in dead space
till you exhale, when out it is flung.
"
"for large animals, vets use etorphine
to put them to sleep. diprenorphine
is needed to wake them,
so handlers can take them
to stalls, and then give them their morphine.
"
"the diprotodon sure was no slouch,
as the beast with the world's largest pouch.
now she's merely a fossil.
you ask, ""was she docile?""
for her temperament, science can't vouch.
"
"dalmatians are white with black dots?
dogs that live in unusual spots.
in the firehouse, they're pets;
it's as good as it gets.
they get love, food, and exercise?lots!
"
"we are cornered?in need of assistance,
but our foe keeps relief at a distance.
help will stay far away
till that damnable day
when we're blasted right out of existence.
"
"did the greeks think hipparchus a loon?
did they deem his dioptra a boon?
or a joke? or a treasure?
he said it could measure
the size of the sun and the moon.
"
"the diopter was used by surveyors
(who, in building, are major league players),
to read angles and heights,
to the patent delights
of their payers, like towns and their mayors.
"
"tony's earphones were new and exotic.
when i spurned them, he thought me neurotic,
but i'm deaf in one ear.
half the sound i won't hear
because stereo's always diotic.
"
"""eyes and genitals form the foundation
of your vision's correct operation,""
grandma said. ""don't perturb
that fine balance superb?
it will make you go blind, disturbation.""
"
"of all of the kids in the diocese,
only mine have displayed distichiasis.
extra lashes on lids
really bother my kids.
they'd be better off having gomphiasis!
"
"in my work as an expert mammographer
i've more passion than any pornographer,
but my writing's no good;
do you think that i should
go and hire me an autobiographer?
"
"the delphinium?poisonous flower?
can do harm if your cattle devour
its leaves, and i think
it is used to make ink
and as medicine?flower with power!
"
"the flat that's for rent appears tattery.
light's so dim; there's no basis for flattery.
here's a further deterrent:
its juice? direct current,
which comes from that ratty old battery.
"
"all my skill and adroitness authorial
i'll employ as i write a memorial
to this movie director,
once a whiz, now a specter.
we'll miss his finesse directorial.
"
"keep your sins out of sight, in the shade;
keep a lid on mistakes you have made.
there's no need to confess
every time you transgress.
dirty linen should not be displayed!
"
"no husband on earth understands
why his wife buys the priciest brands
of both skin cream and lotion.
he creates a commotion.
men just can't comprehend dishpan hands.
"
"guy's management style was divisional;
his attack on our firm was incisional,
as he cut it in sections.
we all had objections.
his course with the staff was collisional.
"
"the boss spoke to heidi, confidingly,
and he criticized myron deridingly,
so she no longer trusted.
then he said, ""i'm disgusted
with heidi,"" to myron, dividingly.
"
"""i have seen your ideas moving mergingly,""
said our chairwoman, softly but urgingly.
""someone must have objections,
or, at least, new directions,
or reflections!"" she added, divergingly.
"
"here's our lumber. dad's making a fence with it.
but i fear he's not making good sense with it.
""build a gate, so that you
and your guests can come through,""
i advised. he replied, ""i'll dispense with it!""
"
"no admirer will seek to be chums
with a female whose dress disbecomes
her and looks like a sack
taken right off the rack,
so such girls have to settle for crumbs.
"
"though she strives to be warm and connectional,
our headmistress is always directional.
each day she gives orders
to day students, boarders,
and teachers. her standards? perfectional.
"
"when i'm doing a job with my mates,
jamie's wayward untidiness grates.
no debate; he's a master
at creating disaster
and putting us all in dire straits
"
"when you're aiming, this tip may inspire:
to avoid those mistakes that are dire,
do not point your gun merely;
see your target quite clearly.
pull the trigger. voil?! direct fire!
"
"sometimes guys get excited and lustful,
and say, ""you're delicious; you're gustful!""
when i was a tyke,
mom said: ""men? all alike!""
so i cannot feel safe. i'm distrustful.
"
"in today's presidential campaign,
who'll prevail? will obama? mccain?
with the truth stretched to lies,
it will prove no surprise
if the voters decide to abstain.
"
"cousin babs is a bit of a babbler.
she flits play to play?hedda gabler,
king lear?her views flow,
as she waits for godot,
but in drama, she's merely a dabbler.
"
"i'm amending the iliad: hector,
golden prince, priam's son, troy's protector,
won't be killed. he'll be saved,
so he'll end up enslaved
in mycenae?a garbage collector.
"
"re your invoice for teaching the dactyl:
the bill, though well totaled, in fact'll
stay unpaid. it's a crime
that you've wasted my time.
i had asked you to teach me the fractal.
"
"i feel i should call her ""your highness.""
her divineness is more than just fineness.
she's the top of the line,
and i pray she'll be mine.
(after mineness, i hope for supineness.)
"
"brad has got a girl pregnant. that's sad.
his discomfiture makes me feel bad.
as the father she named him?
embarrassed and shamed him.
he's gonna be husband and dad!
"
"disvantageous and disadvantageous?
these two synonyms make me rampageous.
they're confusing at best.
prof took points off my test
when i wrote ""disvantageous."" outrageous!
"
"when the warfare began, old mcpherson
left the country, convinced it would worsen.
now he lives in a camp?
in a tent, where it's damp.
""i'm a tramp,"" he declared, ""displaced person.""
"
"our cabal had made plans to displace
the old duke, thus debasing his grace,
but the plot was revealed
when an insider squealed.
now we're facing a capital case.
"
"politicians are short on humility.
when thought wrong, they escape with agility.
in a pinch they become
blind, and deaf?also dumb.
and their prime rule of thumb? deniability!
"
"her complexion changed, sooner or later,
when she raced on the lake as a skater.
she turned mottled and pink
from the cold. i would think
that her cutis was, well, marmorata.
"
"i've developed a diverticuloma,
says my doc. it arose in the stroma
of my colon's rear wall.
although now it is small,
could it grow and become carcinoma?
"
"the chisel dwight uses to carve on
his cameos broke. he may starve on
the pittance he makes?
spent on pills that he takes?
that's his dextropropoxyphene?darvon.
"
"our boss's pronouncements (his dicta),
we've noticed, get stricta and stricta.
workdays now start at eight;
we'll be docked if we're late.
we may grouse, but he's always the victa.
?
our boss's most terrible dictum
to the staff (how he loves to afflict 'em)
was: women wear skirts
and all men wear white shirts!
each employee now feels like a victim.
"
"as larvae, they live on decay;
when we see them, we all turn away.
though these beetles called darkling
as adults are not sparkling,
they're part of mom nature's array.
"
"you may find my view unrealistic.
i believe the mastitis called cystic
is a cross women bear,
though when followed with care,
its prognosis is quite optimistic.
"
"the foreigner couldn't distinguish
one word from the other in enguish.
""hell, they all sound the same;
it's a terrible shame!""
he exclaimed (in his own native linguish).
"
"on behalf of the chairman and staff,
i regret all the gaffes of this daff.
his obtuseness excuses
his blowing the fuses?
just daffing, to make people laugh.
"
"to each word i give maximum weight
in the limericks i strain to create.
i don't shirk?i'm no shirker?
since i work, i'm a worker.
deverbative nouns are just great!
"
"he breaks laws with the utmost impunity,
never missing a good opportunity.
try to nab him? he'll run.
an ambassador's son,
he will claim diplomatic immunity.
"
"jan keeps jack, and that fact hasn't passed her.
""since a 'mistress' is kept by a 'master,'
shall i call you a 'mastress'?
that would be disastrous,""
jan laughed. ""we would break up much faster.""
"
"""i'm determined,"" my grandmother vowed,
""to dissociate you from that crowd.
they're delinquents; they're junkies,
less cultured than monkeys.
reject them! your mom will be proud.""
"
"this area's had a disaster.
buildings cracked, as if made out of plaster,
when the earthquake took place.
they're still wrecked?a disgrace!
can we get them relief any faster?
"
"i, when eating roast chicken alone,
disarticulate (tear bone from bone),
use my hands as a tool,
get all greasy, and drool,
so my kitchen's a ""don't enter"" zone.
"
"the tiara we used in rehearsal,
as a prop in the opera by purcell,
looks decidedly rusted.
queen dido's disgusted.
buy a crown; i'll okay the disbursal.
"
"disharmony means there's no blending
of outlooks. take care when befriending
a guy full of dash;
if your temperaments clash,
lots of time you'll be spending on mending.
"
"this past springtime was rainy, with mud,
and my rosebuds burst out in a flood,
so with shears, like a surgeon,
i plan to disburgeon
my rosebush. that's right, i'll disbud.
"
"""we've arrived! take a look at utopia!
but you squint. what's it, clint?hyperopia?""
""no, not farsighted trouble;
my eyes?they see double.""
""two edens? my god, it's diplopia!""
"
"disenfranchise: the word means ""deprive
of a right for which most of us strive:
our personal vote.""
ballot choice we promote,
as it helps our republic survive.
"
"our sports club would like to confer
this award, and our members concur
that whoever's the winner
must appear at our dinner?
that's why all famous players demur.
"
"the neurologist seeks an apology.
""docs accuse: 'you have used depth psychology!'
i rely on technology
to avoid freud's theology.
his theories, for me, are mythology!""
"
"is there anything vague or obscure on
the dendrites attached to your neuron?
they bring messages in,
so protect them from sin:
don't you turn any porn that's impure on!
"
"tony's not in the least sanctimonial,
though his family's estates are baronial,
and his pater's a prig
with an ego that's big.
tony's style is, i find, diagonial.
"
"when your yacht has just made a distress call,
you hope that your loud sos call
brings aid right away,
so the captain can say:
""that distress call was sure a success call!""
"
"the tarts' anti-vice club's inactive;
let us organize, make the group factive.
from within, we will win?
we'll deglamorize sin
and make casual sex unattractive!
"
"as a movie star, reagan was famed.
as our leader, he often declaimed,
in a purposive voice,
the ideas of his choice?
and the liberals soon were inflamed.
"
"here's a game i've played many an hour:
for each person, what kind of a flower?
for mom there's a lily,
anorchid for willie?
infertility renders him sour.
"
"of mispelling i have a great terror?
writing cher's name like this: chair, or sher, or...
have i misspelled ""misspelling""?
your remark is compelling.
please excuse the above-mentioned error.
"
"""yes, demolish the dorm!"" students urge,
as it spreads?the debris-laden surge;
and we holler, ""beware
of the dust-burdened air,
or your chant may turn into a dirge.""
"
"when the cyperus grew near the nile,
hieroglyphics were turned out with style,
and scribes were desirous
of high-grade papyrus
to make their exertions worthwhile.
"
"in the army, i work for a colonel,
a don juan with a temper infernal.
as a wannabe journalist?
once the word was diurnalist?
i observe, and keep feelings internal.
"
"divertissements,  also, they're called:
happy music that keeps us enthralled.
when they're played, a light touch
brings applause?very much;
play them gracelessly?then we're appalled.
"
"watch your fingers and never get sloppy
when you're handling this plant?prickly poppy,
also called devil's fig.
if this plant you would dig,
use my guidelines?i'll give you a copy.
"
"mr. smith has a sour disposition.
it's a chronic and nasty condition.
he drives his kids nuts
with his ifs, ands, and buts?
they're considering nuclear fission.
"
"in congress today, discord reigns.
legislation prepared with great pains
is derided and nixed;
with amendments affixed,
still a strong disagreement remains.
"
"i'm in love, and i wish to enamor a
girl who's both sweet and has glamor?a
lass who loves taking
great photos. i'm making
a gift of this digital camera.
"
"i declare without any compunction
that i'm planning to get an injunction
so that grandma is barred
from our house and our yard.
she's the source of this family's dysfunction.
"
"from my youth, i have practiced benignity,
and i've labored to shun all malignity,
but i bump into poles,
and i fall into holes.
i don't get no respect without dignity.
"
"joe dimaggio, sports records show,
as a yankee was called joltin' joe.
though he played a great game,
his perpetual fame:
he wed marilyn (dazzling!) monroe.
"
"i just can't understand differentiation
between good art and bad! observation
has made me conclude
any nude?fine or crude?
wins my deep, though unschooled, admiration.
"
"i suspect that the pirate chief lied
when he told me, ""i take greatest pride
in resolve!""  'cause when he
squelched a riot at sea,
his men nagged: ""who goes over? decide!""
"
"his writings had caused a sensation
till the critics condemned innovation.
his early elation
gave way to frustration,
then utter demoralization.
"
"the decision was made. dad was jarred,
as the news kind of caught him off guard.
he was speechless with awe.
now he can't practice law,
as the truth is: my dad's been disbarred.
"
"i'd a hammer, but nothing to bang,
till i found an old picture to hang,
but i did something dumb?
went and hammered my thumb.
up i sprang, and yelled, ""dang!"" (yup, that's slang.)
"
"""i'm enjoying this panel discussion,""
said the audience member, a russian.
""dumb discussants, but each
enjoys freedom of speech
in this country, without repercussion.""
"
"joe mcclutch is a painter and such
a good worker!  the guy has a touch
that is priceless, i'd say,
and in terms of his pay,
worth a decuple?ten times as much!
"
"i seek differentiability:
which is female, and which has virility?
in these species of fleas,
""he""s, one sees, look like ""she""s,
so my efforts will end in futility.
"
"after smashing the bowl of cut glass,
cass decided she'd better cut class.
her excuses were spurious,
and the prof would be furious?
though at home she might get a cut ass.
"
"you may search through the records worldwide
for examples of this: direct tide.
when the tide's at its peak
in the place that you seek,
it's the same on the earth's other side.
"
"i approach weekday work time with zest,
and at break time i'm willing to rest,
but my hunger increases
till i eat, and it ceases,
so dinnertime?that i like best.
"
"i was waxing my car with some turtle wax
when they told me i'd just had a myrtle fax.
she collects ancient arms,
and that's one of her charms.
myrtle wrote, ""hey! i purchased a curtle ax!""
"
"""though i'm sure it won't irk the devout
or instill,"" said the prof,  ""any doubt,
skeptics feel comprehensionless.
i guess the dimensionless
cosmos is freaking them out.""
"
"sarah palin was angry and bitter
when the negative press comments hit 'er.
""you report that i'm bolting?
running off?that's revolting!
i'm a hockey mom, guys, not a quitter!""
"
"though i studied a group that was ample,
no limerick gave me a sample
of a diamb?a foot
that in sonnets i'd put.
in my note you will find an example.
"
"mr. brock, i'm convinced you've got rocks in
your head, if you think i'll buy stocks in
your new lab in iberia
to produce, for diphtheria,
a fragile, short-lived antitoxin.
"
"for kip's birthday, i bought him a dip net?
a strong, and an easy-to-grip net.
it's for use when he wishes
to scoop up small fishes,
but alas! it is not a non-drip net.
"
"the geologist spoke from his podium:
""there is nothing expensive as rhodium,
while it's perfectly clear
that darapskite's not dear?
it's a hydrated salt made from sodium.""
"
"""the old fool was alive. now he's dead.""
that was all the wife's eulogy said.
she had nursed her sick spouse
with no thanks?what a louse!
now a younger man sleeps in her bed.
"
"he's a bright engineer, quite dedalian,
and sober (no way saturnalian).
though he's clever, i'm guessing
he's no sense of dressing?
he's clad like a tatterdemalion.
"
"this insecticide, please understand,
was approved; the result was unplanned.
first dieldrin was used,
but thereafter accused
of toxicity. then it was banned.
"
"said an amerind (tribe: potawatomi),
""both my horses and wives ask a lot o' me,
but the difference, of course, is
i ride all my horses...""
he stopped; then he dropped the dichotomy.
"
"dilation comes first, then extraction.
take it all, and not only a fraction,
and don't leave the room
till you've emptied the womb,
and you've checked on your patient's reaction.
"
"what are dignities? paraphernalia,
ceremonial symbols, regalia?
like the scepter and orb?
helping people absorb
the idea that it's proper to hail ya.
"
"this compound is diabetogenic.
there's no diet and no calisthenic
that will ward off these ills.
if you swallow these pills,
then no more will your life be irenic.
"
"jimmy bought me a dress of fine dimity.
the fabric for me was sublimity.
all my girlfriends agreed
it was smart. guaranteed:
'twas the first time we'd reached unanimity!
"
"one day, when at work in my carrell,
i decided to strip (disapparel)
myself?yes, i shed
all my clothes?every thread?
and i now go around in a barrel.
"
"i had hoped for a place that was purty,
but the flat i moved into with gertie,
who spent money quite stingily,
and kept house rather dingily,
was decrepit, disheveled, and dirty.
"
"to dinoceras,  this limerick's inked?
that horned mammal that now is extinct:
you were more a rhinoceros
than that small metopoceros,
but to neither, it seems, were you linked.
"
"put a dinner pad under his cast.
it won't last; we'll remove it real fast.
then his belly can swell
when he's dined very well,
till his meal, through his bowels, has passed.
"
"""with computers i'm hopeless,"" vi cried,
""so you know on which side i reside.
with the copeless i sit
in the wide and deep split
that is known as the digital divide.""
"
"in my new pied-a-terre there's a daybed
that's not slept in at night?a display-bed.
any time of the day
that i feel like a lay,
i can use it, i'd say, as a play bed.
"
"to count blood cells, i'm using cytometry,
counting each by its type and geometry.
it's the tally i care for;
my cytometer's there for
the purpose. i don't need spectrometry.
"
"ancients worshiped (it's true; i don't kid ya)
dindymene, in phrygia and lydia.
she also was tops
both as rhea and ops.
now, you didn't know those two names, did ya?
"
"ted's deference?that was my referent,
when i said he is overly deferent.
he is much too submissive.
his peers are derisive
as he searches for service that's preferent.
"
"his song may be booming or soft,
but it seems to be soaring aloft.
in his baritone voice
we should warmly rejoice?
yes, i speak of the lofty dwayne croft.
"
"my learning is slow; i forget.
tell me how to insert this diskette
with directions for using
computers. confusing?
but i'll figure these gadgets out yet!
"
"my son, who is one of those pollers,
asks folks: ""have you got distomolars
(extra teeth)? have you cats?""
then he asks about hats:
""favor rollers, perhaps? or wear bowlers?""
"
"the critics reviewed him condignly;
the public received him benignly.
brownlee's heavenly voice
made him everyone's choice,
so rejoice as he sings so divinely.
"
"from his throat, music flowed like a fount;
lawrence brownlee stepped in as the count
d'almaviva in barber.
his ship reached its harbor?
of praise, a prodigious amount.
"
"the determiner? herb, who determines
(decides) what i put in my sermons.
my husband writes monday
what i preach the next sunday?
in a voice not unlike ethel merman's.
"
"this despised cytomegalovirus?
we surely don't find it desirous
in our newborns. postnatal,
it sometimes is fatal.
to more study it's bound to inspire us.
"
"the met opera singer dwayne croft
caught a cold, so he sneezed and he coughed.
he was sent home to bed.
doctor said, ""rest your head
on a cushiony spot?one that's soft.""
"
"her new doctor told grandma she had
a cystosarcoma?that's bad?
said it's big, and malignant,
but grandma's indignant:
""this fellow's a cad, and i'm mad!""
"
"yes, cystostomy?that's what you need
if from pain you would wish to be freed.
the urologist's goal?
in your bladder, a hole
to drain urine.  now let us proceed.
"
"the daimyo was big in japan,
cheating peasants, like no one now can.
though today he is seen
on tv, stage, or screen,
many landlords are fans of this man.
"
"""most essential,"" the pamphlet was billed,
""for safe diving. avoid being killed!""
and its very first rule
is to check out the pool
and make sure it is properly filled.
"
"said the  colonist, ""what do i see
in the harbor? they're dumping out tea.
i'm determined to be party
to this fine boston tea party;
from taxes i wish to be free!""
"
"he treated me teasingly, squeezingly.
i replied with a sneer, coldly, freezingly:
""you're a boor, immature?
and impure, i am sure.
do you always behave so displeasingly?""
"
"diel period: one day and night?
every twenty-four hours?that's right.
it's the same as diurnal,
once a day, like my journal:
each evening an entry i write.
"
"he's disloyal, a spy, and that's treason.
he says that world peace is his reason,
but ""nukes for iran""
is the name of his plan,
and nuclear winter's his season.
"
"for your aches, you are taking naproxen.
does a side effect ring like a tocsin?
(what i mean's diarrhea.)
though it's no panacea,
you may want to try difenoxin.
"
"the foundation, our primary funder,
jay claimed,  had committed a blunder,
and our acting troupe's books
didn't balance. gadzooks!
the discrepancy caused me to wonder.
"
"they resemble the goddess?fantastic?
these dolls made with processes drastic.
one must demideify
in order to reify
one's concept in playthings of plastic.
"
"these jobs require total immersion,
and i'm hopeless with data conversion.
my gaffes with computers
discourage recruiters?
it's worse than translating from persian.
"
"a neurotic young man from brazil
tried an antianxiety pill
and became much less tense.
his relief was immense,
and i hear he is taking them still.
"
"to my teacher i spoke with resolve,
""my passing this course will devolve
on success in this test,
but my math's not the best.
this equation, alas, i can't solve!""
"
"my niece rhoda, who lives in tacoma,
has cancer, a large disgerminoma.
she's just reached pubescence;
what a sad adolescence!
(it arose from her germ cells, not soma.)
"
"my grandpa, who grew up dirt-poor,
had success as an entrepreneur,
earning millions, and more,
when he reached forty-four.
""and i now,"" he explained, ""feel secure!""
"
"i am sure i will never forget
grandma's beautiful diningroom set:
cupboard,  table, eight chairs,
carved with mares, hares and bears!
grandpa lost the whole suite on a bet.
"
"as our spokesperson, beck was selected.
i objected; he isn't respected.
disconnected, disloyal
to the king?anti-royal,
i suspect mr. beck's disaffected.
"
"my article, ""death on safari""?
i can't get it done till tomorry.
if i don't meet the deadline,
they'll run with this headline:
here's yesterday's story?we're sorry!
"
"as he looks down his nose so complainishly,
we get mad and consider, insanishly,
that we'll draft a petition
of strong opposition,
when he sneers at our pastry, disdainishly.
"
"""you are so dirty-minded,"" we said,
""thinking only of frolics in bed;
and your jokes are so stale
that they're fated to fail.
give us war stories, action, instead!""
"
"the secret police are the corps
that are known to conduct dirty war,
stilling dissident voices
through murderous choices.
their products are corpses galore.
"
"my dinner was pea soup with ham,
caesar salad, a roast leg of lamb,
pie, and cake (two desserts);
now my abdomen hurts.
mother says, ""you're a pig."" yes, i am.
"
"certain gangsters donate dirty money
to charities. isn't it funny?
though it's profits from crack,
still they say: ""we give back
to help others,"" in tones sweet as honey.
"
"i felt wild as a drunken bacchant;
i got dizzy and started to pant,
and entranced by his beard,
i felt weird, then i cheered?
when i dated ulysses s. grant.
"
"this gash in my arm's the location
both for dirt and for germ infiltration,
but my doc will, no doubt,
clean the tainted wound out.
he'll provide a complete depuration.
"
"when we fight, our loud voices combine,
and the neighborhood hears us just fine.
now our privacy's fled.
as my grandmother said:
""dirty laundry's been hung on the line.""
"
"the poet elizabeth barrett
wrote romantically, up in her garret,
to her beau robert browning.
in love she was drowning,
while sipping a glass of fine claret.
"
"poet emily dickinson wrote
lots of poetry folks love to quote,
but my english prof bashes
her usage of dashes.
he trashes this writer of note.
"
"herb tells wonderful tales; we concur
that he's burlington's prime raconteur,
and his wife fills his shoes
as a charming diseuse
when he's ill and can't be the diseur.
"
"a weed has infested our pond,
and i think it has come from beyond
the u.s. though we need
some relief from this weed,
of its curliness mom has grown fond.
"
"we want damask, not chintz, and not crepe,
to replace our old drapes. i'm agape
when proprietors ask us
to shop in damascus,
and my wife? she gets bent out of shape.
"
"my friend vere cannot hear?not the toot
of a flute, nor the strum of a lute.
he can't hear the crowds root
for a team, and, to boot,
he can't cheer them himself?he's deaf-mute.
"
"to dissimulate means ""to disguise,
to conceal what one feels from men's eyes,""
but to make things unlike
(ride a bike versus hike)
is dissimilate. what a surprise!
"
"jack was steady, but now he's erratic?
destabilization, dramatic!
""jack, unless you get back
on your previous track,
you'll be shunned!"" i said, stunned but emphatic.
"
"you supported the recent creation
of the synchronized swimming foundation.
now your censure dismays,
and we're all out of phase?
we've had days of desynchronization.
"
"your comments are meant to destroy
our committee's accord. you employ
harmful tactics?destructive.
they're counterproductive.
try teamwork, and that we'll enjoy!
"
"if you're quoting my speech, i expect
you will utilize discourse, direct.
your quotation, in fact,
should be truly exact;
just remember i'm having it checked!
"
"aragonez: iberian grapes
in the usual globular shapes,
used for making red wine
that we drink while we dine
on paella (but seldom with crepes).
"
"one brother can rouse any crowd.
the other picks nits and is proud.
check out lem's pettifoggery
and clem's demagoguery?
lem's muted; the demagogue's loud.
"
"ten years old! we have reached our decennary.
at our meeting we're planning a plenary
to salute pioneers,
as we've done other years:
on our senary?also novenary.
"
"in grad school our star dissertationist
was an eager and bold explorationist.
his prize-winning thesis
(migration of geese) is
the work of a staunch conservationist.
"
"from this perch he would often project
those directions that brought him respect.
this director's chair, sad,
now is empty?too bad!
we extol him; we mourn; we reflect.
"
"though i mail out my bills every day,
all my customers say they won't pay,
and i just got my tax bill,
my gas bill, my fax bill?
my mindset? i'd call it dismay.
"
"this meeting is growing dissentious.
half the board is at odds and contentious.
conscientious, the rest
call for calm, do their best,
but the factions are biased, tendentious.
"
"one who dissertates must be informed,
to his subject be properly warmed,
and display erudition
to maintain his position.
should he blunder, the stage will be stormed.
"
"dissimilar things are unlike.
if you're buying a trike for your tyke,
you will easily see
that its wheels number three.
 it's dissimilar, then, from a bike.
"
"the word delphin we don't see too often.
take some fat from a dolphin and soften
to extract this odd stuff,
and if that's not enough,
the word also refers to a dauphin.
"
"your new painting i've badly defaced,
with dark markings that can't be erased.
i'm ashamed, so disgraced!
can the work be replaced?
i was nuts?not reality-based.
"
"it's one cusp of your tooth, distobuccal,
that can scrape if you're gnawing your knuckle.
it's a part that you use
when your molar tooth chews,
but not normally seen when you chuckle.
"
"my dad has a chronic disease
that's called parkinson's. quickly, one sees
that he's rigid and shaking.
i'm glad that he's taking
his deprenyl. that brings him ease.
"
"the bridegroom looked worried and harried.
on his walk to the altar he tarried,
but he murmured ""i do.""
cried the bride, ""yes, it's true.
entre nous, we're conjoined, dear; we're married!""
"
"his thesis was most inspirational,
though his purpose was?yes?dissertational,
and he earned a degree.
now an activist, he
makes the best nature films?they're sensational.
"
"when ms krist falls and fractures her wrist,
on completing our work she'll insist.
though in pain, she'll be brave;
at her students she'll wave
when she finally says, ""class dismissed!""
"
"""it's a source of great family friction,""
cousin vickie complained, with conviction.
""neither parent applauded
when i first took dilaudid,
and now i've developed addiction.""
"
"dendrolagus: to me this beast's new.
it's a lowland-type tree-kangaroo.
neither plumpish nor skinny,
it lives in new guinea?
and in queensland? you'll find it there too.
"
"a machine that could take your dictation!
the dictaphone caused a sensation.
the stenographers' fear:
""will we all disappear?
they'll have gadgets in each corporation!""
"
"diana, the princess of wales,
was adored by both females and males
for her beautiful smile,
generosity, style;
and she topped the celebrity scales.
"
"clean my wound and remove the detritus.
you will find i have diaphysitis
in my femur. the shaft
is infected. you're daft
if you think that my pain's from arthritis.
"
"said my surgeon, ""here's what you'll expect o' me:
i'll  perform a good diaphysectomy.
abscessed bone i'll remove
so your health can improve.""
""yes,"" i added, ""i hope that's correct o' me.""
"
"of us students aunt bess was protectress,
of the college of magic directress?
the chief, the directrix?
who helped us perfect tricks,
and make ourselves ghoulishly spectrous.
"
"what for me is man's worst disability?
not the loss of his strength or agility,
not his deafness, nor blindness.
what's the greatest unkindness?
virility lost?infertility.
"
"""no  dialogist; more a catalogist...""
wrote a critic (a famous analogist).
""but her grandpapa's paw?
he was george bernard shaw!
wit's genetic,"" cried kate's genealogist.
"
"a soldier was shot in the shoulder,
on the right, and his fight became bolder.
he smote all his foes
using left-handed blows;
of two medals for valor, he's holder.
"
"the composer d'indy's works were grand; he
wrote for orchestra, also for band. he
lived mainly in france,
so he hadn't the chance
to absorb ""yankee doodle""?that's dandy!
"
"the departure lounge: that's where you wait
for your airplane to load at its gate,
and observe people who
will be flying with you?
look for signs of a terrorist trait.
"
"you're in need of a shave? here's a bic
that can manage a beard, thin or thick.
no, i haven't a laser,
just this pink plastic razor.
take care in avoiding a nick.
"
"suffering back pain? perhaps it's arthropathy,
or a disk may be hurt?that's discopathy.
not the disk or the joints?
now the evidence points
to the muscles; i guess it's myopathy.
"
"an amendment would help, i surmise,
so we must constitutionalize
equal rights for the ladies?
the seymours and sadies
coequal in justice's eyes.
"
"her burial caused quite a stir.
cause of death? experts couldn't concur.
many questions remain;
we suspect she was slain,
so her body we'll now disinter.
"
"maybe meg will need more  than some towels
if the hunter, as planned, disembowels
that stag that he shot
in her drive. has she got
any shovels? (too gloppy for trowels.)
"
"my new policy earns no applause.
as insurance it's faulty because
when they pay for destruction
they make a deduction?
that nasty deductible clause!
"
"say it ""klih-noh"" or ""klie-noh""?you'll cope
with this prefix?means something's ""aslope""?
like the soap on a rope
i bought hope, like a dope.
did she show any gratitude? nope.
"
"a black sumac grew right near the door
of our house?never saw one before.
momma yelled to the boys 'n'
the girls, ""this here's poison!
i don't want it here any more!""
"
"sadie's spouse up and left her one day,
and it seems he's departed to stay.
after herbie's desertion,
she found an insertion
in his will gives his money away...
?
at his death, to a showgirl named kaye.
""he's a coward,"" said sade in dismay.
since that will really hurt her;
she cursed the deserter
and the woman who led him astray.
"
"he was asked to a classy affair,
but my son didn't know what to wear.
""i've been told 'semi-formal,'""
he said, ""so what's normal?
a dinner jacket? man, that sounds square!""
"
"""please define the archaic dicacious.""
""it means talkative, therefore loquacious,
but i also am leaning
toward an alternate meaning:
it means pert, so it's also vivacious.""
"
"brock selected a digital clock
from the dozens this shop has in stock,
but he's mad and demands,
""tell me?where are its hands?""
and the shopkeeper goes into shock.
"
"jim complained that their work was a waste,
said, ""the symbol that both of us placed
on this building was art.
it was trendy and smart,
so it's now that the building's defaced!""
"
"tess will call something dendroid when she
wants to say that it's much like a tree?
that it's branched, arborescent,
not curved like a crescent,
like my hair in the wind by the sea.
"
"as he spouts about matters judicial,
""dilettantish"" has been my initial
and my lasting reaction.
intellectual traction?
there's none?the guy's quite superficial.
"
"my apartment's in great disrepair.
pipes are busted, no water?i swear!
though i pay all my rent,
my complaints make no dent,
as my landlord?he just doesn't care.
"
"if you're hiring, consider my son.
all his labors are diligently done.
kirk's assiduous, careful?
his attitude's prayerful.
has he any deficiency? none!
"
"dilettantism pricks like a burr:
a pretentious but rank amateur
(more gourmand than gourmet)
drinks his ice-cold ros?
and pretends he's a fine connoisseur.
"
"i encountered a beauty named trixie.
she's petite, and she looks like a pixie.
i said, ""kid, stick with me
and a starlet you'll be!""
she replied, ""you're just whistling dixie!""
"
"plastic shoes that have very thick soles
are attractive and play useful roles,
but in storms, wearing crocs,
i get wet (feet and socks),
as the raindrops splash in through the holes.
"
"the bishop had schistosomiasis,
though his flock thought it hypochondriasis:
""his symptoms are fiction
to avoid jurisdiction
over this?our discourteous diocese.""
"
"in old greece, what they called a dicastery,
housing courts, was well-built and not plastery,
as the builders in hellas
were pretty smart fellas.
of structure they gained quite a mastery.
"
"my cat hattie went out on a date
with a tomcat who wanted to mate,
but she dumped him, in truth,
'cause she found him uncouth.
he would catillate?lick off his plate.
"
"bobby's brochity (teeth sticking out)
is unsightly without any doubt,
and it does interfere
with his diction. i hear
garbled words. what's he talking about?
"
"i struggled real hard to divert her
from her purpose?i thought it would hurt her?
but runaway leah
was determined to be a
desertrix (a female deserter).
"
"chris's biscuits smell great and are discous,
in the shape of a flattened hibiscus,
like a disk.  i have blessed them,
and now i'll digest them
in a gastrointestinal viscus.
"
"at the discount store, prices are sliced.
mel will sell me those clothes bargain-priced,
with the same fancy label.
this merchant is able
to discount his goods?i'm enticed!
"
"my thinking melts back into magma
when i look at that graceful stalagma.
i am awed, still as death,
and i'm holding my breath,
with a spellbound, inert diaphragma.
"
"dipsophobia's really bad news
in a guest, as he fears drinking booze.
you serve fine irish whiskey?
for him, it's too risky?
an offer he has to refuse.
"
"if infection occurs in that situs
(your colon) and causes a nidus
of microbes, you'll feel it.
the pain will reveal it;
get treatment for diverticulitis.
"
"when your dishes are flavored with dill,
they will never taste run-of-the-mill.
this great spice really tickles
your palate in pickles;
with salmon, this herb fills the bill.
"
"here's a prefix you don't often see:
it is dendro- (from greek for ""a tree"").
a dendrologist pokes
at his maples and oaks,
and will lecture on firs for a fee.
"
"johnny depp, full of pep, a high-stepper,
plays a pirate, or pope, or a leper.
with great depth, he can act.
his portrayals, in fact,
would prompt chaucer to say he was ""depper.""
"
"""buy this lens. it has great depth of focus.
it can capture a cloud, car, and crocus.
its range is extensive?
of course, it's expensive?
believe me, it's no hocus-pocus.""
"
"my gal trish is a hottie, a dish;
to eat out at the ritz is her wish.
there she dishes out dirt,
has three dishes, dessert,
and some port, while i munch on a knish.
"
"in the tropics, mosquitoes desirous
of our blood gave us this: dengue virus.
we had fever and pain,
but we're healthy again.
in the end, dengue couldn't retire us.
"
"the army life's taken its toll.
cole feels out of control on patrol;
he's so tense, his shots hit
fellow brits. he's unfit.
he's decided to quit, disenroll.
"
"uncle josh affirms buddhist theology,
and he finds, in the bible, dittology.
the result of his gleanings:
some parts have two meanings,
and jesus had practiced buddhology.
"
"this is urgent?a sudden emergency.
from our plan, herb is urging divergency.
he calls his new faction
""rebellion in action.""
i'm mounting a counterinsurgency.
"
"my dermatome slices off skin
in a layer that's terribly thin,
in the process of crafting
some skin fit for grafting
to cover that burn on your shin.
"
"shakespeare's  lovers both die in a tomb;
there they lie, bride and groom, in the gloom.
double suicide, they
end this great tragic play?
and the audience weeps at their doom.
"
"like to solve algebraic equations?
there are authors of many persuasions,
like old diophantus?
his works still enchant us?
who'll help us on suchlike occasions.
"
"when a baby is born, there is nary
a tooth to be seen, but be wary.
soon he'll grow baby teeth
that fall out, and, beneath
the kid's pillow, await the tooth fairy.
"
"i knew what the leaders had meant
when i stood and i voiced my dissent:
""i object, disagree!
that was wrong; all can see!""
then directly to prison i went.
"
"diazepam, also called valium,
has h, n, c, cl, but no kalium.
it's a sedative drug,
and i'll give it a plug,
as it's free of such toxins as thallium.
"
"when it's dawn and my lawn's wet with dew,
i feel sad. i owe debts that are due,
and i'm broke?got no dough.
i sing: fa,  mi,  re,  do;
notes go low when i'm blue?yes they do!
"
"as infants, we dribbled on bibs.
growing up, we all squabbled (we sibs),
so when one of us spied
something yummy, he vied
with his brothers, and cried, ""i've got dibs!""
"
"these creatures died out; they're extinct.
their demise is thought climate change-linked.
what? you saw one last week?
well, it died?take a peek.
the whole species succumbed while you blinked.
"
"""this complex of enzymes works well
as it's breaking down  dextrose,"" said mel.
""so i'm writing a tractate:
'how dextrase forms lactate.'
i'm hoping like hell it will sell!""
"
"in my mouth there is more than one tongue.
i've had hindrances since i was young.
for diglossics, it's true,
speaking well's hard to do,
and no song that i sing is well-sung.
"
"his behavior i cannot condone:
urgent labors he seeks to postpone.
he's a great dilly-dallier,
a prime shilly-shallier;
his good reputation he's blown!
"
"doctor krock says i need conization
of the cervix?a darned operation.
the result of my pap
smear created a flap;
now my fate i await with frustration.
"
"just the thought that we soon will be partin'
is enough to dispirit, dishearten,
discourage, disheart,
'cause as soon as we part,
i expect your affairs will be startin'!
"
"""i am so anticrack,"" yelled aunt jane,
as she peered through my cracked window pane.
i replied, feeling scared,
""i will have it repaired!""
unaware that she meant crack cocaine.
"
"his book is, 'twould seem, anticult.
he critiques, in a manner adult,
guys like jones from guyana,
who promised folks manna?
but death was his only result.
"
"disulfiram has no effect,
unless it is booze you select.
drinking rum, wine, or beer,
very flushed you'll appear.
you'll feel sick; you'll throw up; you'll be wrecked.
"
"grandma's dinners, announced by a bell?
less a jingle and more like a knell?
made us all jump and run.
being late was no fun.
she would yell; she'd complain; she'd raise hell.
"
"the depositors using this bank
are convinced it deserves its high rank,
but reports they'll receive
(and will hardly believe):
their accounts all read zip?in the tank!
"
"when a she-mammal isn't in heat
during mating time, males may retreat.
she's diestrual, but
she will soon again rut,
and the oversexed dudes will compete.
"
"the disunionist wished to secede;
johnny rebel was one of that breed.
as the war issued forth
pitting south against north,
he would follow jeff davis's lead.
"
"our language is sure to produce
lots of seldom used words. what excuse
can we make? let's confess:
they exist in excess,
like disusage, a word for disuse.
"
"i have a condition that's dubbed
acropathy. somebody flubbed
when they issued my genes,
for acropathy means
that from birth all my fingers are clubbed.
"
"tim's so rigid, he harbors hostility
to our workshop's diversifiability.
he says, ""grandfather made
just one product?gold braid?
and i'm sure it won't lose its utility!""
"
"disinform? it means ""cozen,"" or ""cheat.""
in your dealings you practice deceit,
and?put plainly?you lie.
you're untruthful, and i
can't deny my disgust is complete.
"
"as a toddler, i went to a play school.
at age ten i'm attending a day school,
and my mom says if i
study hard, for my high
school, i'll go to a girls' sleep-away school.
?
i am sure that my day school's the right school.
it is modern and cheerful?a bright school.
mom was forced out of school
as a teen?that was cruel?
and she finished her studies in night school.
"
"when i'm asked, i am bound to know which fern
prof speaks of, when naming the ditch fern,
and the class will adjourn
when i answer: ""king fern?
yes, that royal fern sure is a rich fern!""
"
"the colicroot, kin of the lily,
may help after eating hot chili,
relieving your colic.
its name is symbolic?
to me it just sounds rather silly.
"
"take my boat out to sea?you be driver,
and i'll jump right in?deep-sea diver.
i'll find pearls, and give thanks
to my oxygen tanks,
which will help me to be a survivor.
"
"by a mentor, our club members guidedly
were taught manners, and yet we decidedly
would fail to agree,
so each meeting would be
an encounter that ended dividedly.
"
"i would ruin these dancers, but how?
all support i will now disavow.
their endowment i'll plunder;
their troupe will go under
when their dance group i (wow!) disendow.
"
"her idea was a large celebration
when the boss went away on vacation
leaving margie in charge?
we got drunk on a barge?
that was marge's conceptualization.
"
"now i'm lame, and i face disability.
life, once brilliant, seems utter futility.
once i aimed for the sky,
but that's over, and i
must prepare for old age and senility.
"
"in designing and building my foundries,
i am guided by poppa's expoundries.
as his methods i imitate,
i first must delimitate
the space?i establish their boundaries.
"
"i look down, as my ankle is hurting,
and i notice the blood that is spurting.
it's a horrible sight!
mom's perturbed and uptight?
i say, ""yes, it's a bit disconcerting.""
"
"then, across your abdominal wall,
urine flows, through what doctors will call
your cystostomy. there
(if they cannot repair
your urethra) you'll pee?and that's all.
"
"""gert's a goddess, she claims, and diversiform.""
""can she look like a purse and be bursiform?
like an orc? like a stork?
like a roast loin of pork?""
""yes, or even a fork, when she's furciform!""
"
"while we planned for our yearly award,
our council endured disaccord.
""we've explored all our choices!""
""you've ignored many voices!""
such warfare our board can't afford.
"
"steve's reporting a crime. says the chief,
""tell me all of your story.""  ""a thief
stole my skivvies (the pants).""
all the cops look askance
on devoting this time to debrief.
"
"sy the painter was called a distortionist
for his portrait of mort, the abortionist,
whose limbs appeared twisted.
""not so,"" sy insisted,
""my subject's a master contortionist!""
"
"downtown, at the music emporium,
midge purchased an old digitorium.
she plays it and lingers,
to condition her fingers?
with no sounds to delight one's sensorium.
"
"has anyone seen my friend mary, a
young woman who's sick with malaria?
i've called hospitals, and
the police. lend a hand?
we are combing the whole bi-state area.
"
"the empire became disunited
when victors in war (so shortsighted)
discerped all its parts,
as it broke people's hearts.
now the whole blasted region is blighted.
"
"when he wrote up the plan, it was hastefully,
and her money was budgeted wastefully.
""it's got a bad flavor.
i just cannot favor
your hogwash!"" said daisy distastefully.
"
"when dirofilariasis starts
to wreck your two terriers' hearts,
you had best see the vet
and get help for each pet,
ere one or the other departs.
"
"on the diving board stood the next diver
in the meet, and i said, ""here's a fiver.
i'll wager he'll win
with his jackknife and spin.""
hans replied, ""the guy's not worth a stiver!""
"
"what's a dextrine? from whence does it come?
it's a thickening agent. it's from
any starch that you treat
with an acid or heat?
and the stuff's also called british gum.
"
"fixed in form, it won't rate as proteiform;
it's not built like a slipper (soleiform);
it's the shape of a wedge,
with a firm, curving edge.
it's the cartilage known as cuneiform.
"
"you don't need a double or triple?
just one mark in the margin, a diple,
to express what is meant.
it's a line that is bent,
and more useful, i'd think, than a stipple.
"
"her singing grew faint?died away?
all we heard was the orchestra play.
""seems her low notes don't carry,""
said the critics of shari.
""let's hope she starts lessons today.""
"
"absaroka, a wannabe state,
was proposed, and the folks thought it great,
but today, if you're combing
through northern wyoming,
you'll learn of its failure and fate.
"
"""here's the biopsy,"" said dr. spencer,
as he labored to help the hurt fencer,
""there's the answer we seek?
through the microscope, peek
with the aid of an abbe's condenser.""
"
"to a question, each entrant replies.
in this game, my guy sy gets the prize!
when he's asked, my contestant
says, ""what's a digestant?
it helps digest food, like lime pies.""
"
"it's a day of remembrance, each year,
when we all say a prayer, shed a tear.
on 11 september
we always remember,
as names of lost dear ones we hear.
"
"on his web site, judd rudd put some smut up.
said his buddies, ""that joker's a cut-up!""
and they thought that he'd get
into trouble. he bet
them ten bucks, shouting, ""put up or shut up!""
"
"said my husband, ""why try the dantean?
sturm und drang is so, well, european.
don't become hifalutin;
keep your audience hootin'.
keep on truckin' and bein' plebeian.""
"
"divisionists painted in spots
of pure color. these tiny bright dots
were the mark of divisionism,
not at all like precisionism;
lots of clots, for that style, were ""do nots"".
"
"the candidate, haughty and proud,
bowed, then plowed through the dirty-faced crowd
when he sought re-election.
""i was risking infection,
but i shook every hand!"" he avowed.
"
"your mother's a lifelong subscriber
to the cult that loves dietary fiber,
so don't  cry and sulk;
eat your roughage and bulk.
that works better than money to bribe 'er.
"
"if you diet, your weight will diminish.
both your thighs will shrink down, when you finish.
your diminishable thighs
will be smaller in size;
i surmise that you'll find them quite thinnish.
"
"diversifiable? quite undeniable:
being open to change, being pliable,
is a definite plus
for a company. thus
being flexible's sure justifiable.
"
"toward my newsboy i feel a maternalness.
daily papers arrive with diurnalness.
they're kept dry when it rains,
and he never complains.
he's a gift from the gods?sheer supernalness!
"
"a dissimulator dons a disguise.
a nefarious plan he'll devise,
and he'll freely conceal
that he's really a heel,
pulling wool over everyone's eyes.
"
"""now in prison, you suffer acutely,
but you've lived your whole life dissolutely.
immoral and dissipated,
in sin you've participated.
you're hopeless,"" said judy astutely.
"
"kay was silent; her eyes appeared glazed.
she seemed dazed, and she had us amazed,
and then lance took a chance?
snapped her out of her trance.
he demesmerized kay. god be praised!
"
"said as verbs, they're deprive and deprave.
the latter's ""abase, make a knave,""
and the former's ""withhold
something needed (like gold).""
both are dastardly ways to behave.
"
"to neglect healthy eyesight's misprision;
it's important to see with precision.
when you're driving a car,
can you see very far?
life's unsure if you've poor distance vision.
"
"dissimilitude? that means ""disparity,""
as in objects with diff'ring polarity,
with unlikeness, divergence.
this concept's emergence
helps writers achieve greater clarity.
"
"as a student, i worked as a diener
in the morgue, with a somber demeanor?
though in medical school
this job was, as a rule,
little more than a glorified cleaner.
"
"distemperature's indisposition
(that's a slight, not a fatal condition),
or disorder, confusion
never reaching conclusion,
or unease. have i made an omission?
"
"our family prizes its orderliness.
we keep schedules with careful recorderliness.
every one of the kids
does what mom or dad bids?
perfect sonliness, wonderful daughterliness.
"
"seeking radishes? one you might like on
your cookery program's the daikon.
it's a hot radish, so,
on that radio show,
if you screech, please do not leave your mike on.
"
"""the hormone desoxycorticosterone
is adrenal, and just like aldosterone,
it affects your blood sodium,""
said the prof at the podium.
""but the hormone that's best is testosterone.""
"
"i'll examine your neck?reconnoiter.
wait! i've found it?that damned diving goiter!
large thyroids will wander
down low and up yonder,
refusing to linger or loiter.
"
"that great hole in the rock is volcanic.
it's a diatreme, janet; don't panic.
though out from the vent
comes a terrible scent,
i assure you it isn't satanic.
"
"i have studied my boyfriend's mentality.
he's dependent?his whole personality
is based on reliance
on me. using science,
i explored him with perfect neutrality.
"
"it's extracted from leaves (digitalis),
and of use in a hovel or palace,
a college or jail,
wherever hearts fail:
digitoxin?from delhi to dallas.
"
"artemisia: a plant with a name
that attracts, like a moth to a flame;
but it's toxic, this root?
and called wormwood, to boot?
now it just doesn't feel quite the same.
"
"have you heard of diphasic milk fever?
i've seen it; i'm now a believer.
from a virus one's sick,
and the vector's a tick,
while a human may be the receiver.
"
"""de-emphasis? downplay?""?and, peeking,
she appraised eager phoebe while speaking.
the salesgirl then went
to the rack for a tent.
""madam, this is the style you are seeking.""
"
"tell me: how many troops, would you say,
have emerged through the fort's d?bouch??
forty thousand i've counted?
some afoot and some mounted,
prepared for the upcoming fray.
"
"after much too much hemming and hawing,
i find that my attitude's thawing.
guess the plans for our store
seem to please me much more
since i've studied the cutaway drawing.
"
"i've a feeling my talent's misplaced;
in the kitchen i'm always disgraced.
though i try different spices,
it never suffices?
to each taste, all respond with distaste.
"
"tell me, what's in a name? all the chicks
who dig soldiers will usually fix
their attention on where
they expect, they declare,
are the sexiest guys?that's fort dix.
"
"to advance, among peers, one more notch,
i have purchased a digital watch.
what's the time? it will tell
me in numbers; that's swell.
(now it's five and it's time for my scotch.)
"
"as a parent, the least of my joys?
fetes for grammar-school tykes?girls and boys.
though the kids may be winsome,
their parties are dinsome.
my poise is destroyed by the noise.
"
"in most vertebrates (that includes mammals,
like humans and chipmunks and camels)
there's a surface of white
on each tooth?shiny, bright.
teeth are covered with dental enamels.
"
"i have stopped paying bills. now the label
of ""bum"" will be used, and the cable
(that's bringing me free
what i see on tv)
my provider will soon disenable.
"
"the word deuteropathic?  review:
first, a pain that misleads (a wrong cue);
next, an illness that's hatched
from another, dispatched?
so you've not one disease, you've got two!
"
"our employer is fatherly, pastorly,
and his grasp of the business is masterly,
but he often finances
those firms that take chances.
if he fails, he'll destroy us disasterly.
"
"my friend jane's feeling stressed and complains
that her wrist gives her terrible pains.
she will not (so i've guessed)
pass her finkelstein's test
with the syndrome that's called de quervain's.
"
"found out east, this is not a frontier berry,
and it's bitter?a rather austere berry.
but a doe and a buck
may feel rather in luck
when they find they can pluck a fresh deerberry.
"
"lost and dawdling along the bay's border,
we found mort with a hand-held recorder.
""who are you? why the cam?""
""i don't know who i am!""
morty had a dissociative disorder.
"
"""our marital problems are solvable;
if we try, a solution's evolvable
with some work, some good will,
and a therapist's skill.""
""just be sure it will still be dissolvable!""
"
"in pronouncing a word, you have choice
as to giving a consonant voice.
if for red you say ""ret,""
you've devoiced, but don't fret;
in your fine turkish accent rejoice.
"
"in this type, someone's mind's the locality
that hosts more than one personality.
uncommon, this entity
is dissociative identity
disorder. it's far from normality.
"
"a philologist wrote in his journal:
""i'm hoping these thoughts, diuturnal,
will much longer be heard
than this fusty old word?
it's the lexical worm in the kernel.
"
"the word dissidence? that means ""dissent,""
disagreement to any extent.
can't conform to the crowd?
have your say, good and loud.
speak your piece; angst will cease when you vent!
"
"it seems like this guy needs a warder,
as he wanders too close to the border.
he says, ""somehow i feel
that the world is unreal!""
(it's depersonalization disorder.)
"
"in the dark i make this observation:
that my iris reacts with dilation,
so the size of my pupil
will double (quadruple?)?
but  d&c? that's dilatation!
"
"my exercise class? its attraction
is developing strength. seems each fraction
of gain i acquire
builds higher and higher.
they call it a cumulative action.
"
"a declaratory judgment decides
the rights of a party and guides,
through interpreting law,
so a guy can withdraw
if the law with his purpose collides.
"
"with his knowledge encyclopediacal,
connie's cousin is hypochondriacal,
but he hates taking pills.
as a cure for his ills
he swigs booze and is dipsomaniacal.
"
"dissociative fugue is the kind
where the patient runs off, tries to find
a fresh life?something new.
when you ask: ""who are you?""
where's his memory? left it behind.
"
"if you're sick of the games ray has played,
i'll discounsel (that means i'll dissuade)
you like this: ""why have worry?
dump the bum in a hurry.
far better to stay an old maid.""
"
"barb likes cabbages grown in her garden,
so the cabbage worm makes her heart harden.
""they are butterfly larvae,""
said her gardener, harvey.
""what, they're moths' larvae too? beg your pardon!""
"
"this image, on screen, of a cruller
is too bright; its true hue is much duller.
since it's made up of dots,
you can mute many spots;
that's the beauty of nonsolid color.
"
"he'd adored her since first he had eyed 'er.
he sang to her, never would hide 'er.
eddie cantor loved ida.
what did he provide? a
sweet song (but it rhymed her with cider.)
"
"it's  apple blossom time, says the song,
in new jersey.  the message is strong,
and it's all about fruit;
but i don't give a hoot,
'cause new york is the place i belong.
"
"the conservatives won mort's endorsement;
as a cop, he believed in enforcement:
""law and order's our need!""
but his wife disagreed,
and their marriage wound up in divorcement.
"
"i will make you a bet?give me odds?
that from here i can diagnose rod's
heart condition just fine.
de musset's is the sign:
with each one of his heartbeats, he nods.
"
"one type is dissociative amnesia
(which mustn't be thought anoesia).
here, the patient's aghast,
has no grasp of his past;
he's not faking or trying to please ya.
"
"to exterminate bugs i'll agree.
bedbugs bite, but the termites, you see,
do their damage xylotomously,
so i'll bill you dichotomously?
each species a separate fee.
"
"our initial response, admiration,
quite quickly became condemnation
when an audit, revealing
our leader was stealing,
inspired an intense  denunciation.
"
"in the white house, to bill, this from hillary:
""i am forming a ladies auxiliary
that will soon recommend a
new women's agenda.
the sex act will be our artillery.""
"
"in biology tomes one must hunt
for knowledge of this: dickens shunt.
you may garner mementos
of your study of pentose
phosphate pathways, which there you'll confront.
"
"to purchase the booze for our bash,
it's my plan to use digital cash.
i will transfer the money
electronically, honey,
so pray our computer won't crash.
"
"my father's fond memories are
that my grandpa had just such a car,
and he spoke of its dickey-seat:
""man! what a tricky seat.
bumpy? i still have the scar!""
"
"about pregnancy, here's my tutorial:
it's been noted from time immemorial
that in some sets of twins
when gestation begins
they have two separate sacs?they're dichorial.
"
"there's so much that i must demythologize
about dating. no need to psychologize,
as it's natural?seems
that you needn't hatch schemes.
be yourself. there's no need to apologize.
"
"our fey ballerina, ren?e,
will display what we call developp??
foot to leg, then extended
with grace. yes, that's splendid!
her torso's maintained without sway.
"
"""the decidua?nature's designing
as pregnancy's uterine lining?
after birth leaves the womb
in a bloody red plume.""
""please curtail this discussion; i'm dining!""
"
"two commas who long longed to mate,
but were parted by grammar and fate,
ascertained their big break:
that a typist's mistake
would accommodate a,,comma date.
"
"this dish we call dhal's from the lentil.
its consistency's soft and it's gentle.
aromatic with spice,
it is served over rice.
the result? not just ""nice""?transcendental!
"
"learning danish in ?rhus, tom painfully
had managed to master it gainfully,
but pursuing his ends
he made no danish friends.
""what dumb classmates!"" he snorted disdainfully.
"
"the pen that i use is a bic.
it is plastic and looks like a stick?
not too slick or exciting?
but limerick writing?
a flick of my bic does the trick.
"
"differentiate? know this from that:
which is dormouse, and which is a rat?
tell an ox from a gnu,
and distinguish, on cue,
whether ermine or fur from a cat.
"
"dee's dentist had made this allusion,
at her visit, to dee's distocclusion:
""see her front teeth stick out?""
he can fix it, no doubt.
with a brace to correct the protrusion.
"
"when you're out very early, it's true,
you'll see dawn. to stay dry, here's a clue:
wear your boots (don't complain)?
though there hasn't been rain,
all the grass will be covered in dew.
"
"said the dodo (a bird, genus didus):
""that hunter, i'm certain, has spied us.
of course i'm suspicious,
as here in mauritius
we'll soon be extinct?so let's hide us!""
"
"a didrachma's a two-drachma piece
made of silver. used where? ancient greece.
could a sparta-based carter,
unwilling to barter,
at a drachma apiece, buy two geese?
"
"what's a dishclout? a powerful hit
by a plate that's been thrown in a fit?
no,  a cloth to wash dishes
after meals?fish or knishes.
in the kitchen the dishrag won't quit.
"
"i'd enlisted to fight for the cause,
but the news from the front gave me pause.
it was quite a determent,
so i'm seeking deferment?
tell the captain i've come down with yaws.
"
"blanche and pancho, at home on their ranch
in la mancha, are shocked, and they blanch
as their christmas tree slims?
jimmy lops off its limbs.
""for your yule log, i've got to disbranch.""
"
"here's an ode to dibasic-type salts;
their fine features this poem exalts.
though two h's have fled,
other ions instead
fill their places. these can't be judged faults.
"
"no help could be offered by docs in
the fight with diphtheria toxin
in great-grandfather's day.
death came quickly that way.
here's the grave that they buried his box in.
"
"the professor, they'd said, was creative,
but his speech was expansive, dilative,
so the long-winded bore
produced snorers galore,
in a trance one might call ""vegetative.""
"
"the devil ray's one kind of manta
that won't be a present from santa.
it's too large for a pet,
but aquariums get
these fish oddities?one's in atlanta.
"
"jane objects to her father's refusal
to pay for repairs. distoclusal
jaw problems remain
and cause jane lots of pain?
but her dad just rebuffs her accusal.
"
"my husband's a great diner-out;
he adores caviar and smoked trout.
his expense account pays
for his gourmet forays,
and he won't take me with him?the lout!
"
"after weeks of unfettered enjoyment,
our soldiers on leave achieved cloyment.
now we've marshalled our forces,
our men and our horses,
for battle?a massive deployment.
"
"you may chaff and make jokes; you may witticize;
but it's party-based meddling i criticize,
and i won't change position?
funding arts is my mission.
it's a process we must depoliticize!
"
"what's dissepiment? one definition
is ""a septum, a body partition""?
in an organ it goes.
there is one in your nose,
in an upright, dividing position.
"
"i'm afraid our new boatswain has flipped.
he's gone nuts, round the bend; he's unzipped.
seems the guy lost his grip
on his very first trip,
and he'll soon be discharged (that's disshipped).
"
"what's a diatom? odd algal cell
that in fresh or salt water may dwell.
each cell has, though it's small,
a hard sillica wall.
neath the microscope, man, it looks swell!
"
"i was angry at hil (my shrewd daughter),
after spending big bucks when i bought 'er
a brand new distillery,
when i learned from dear hillary
all she ever distilled was plain water.
"
"rudy wrote: ""judy's hooters are cute!""
in the bathroom. she thought of a suit,
but although she'd felt rotten
at first, it's forgotten.
dead and buried, the matter is moot.
"
"your disworkmanship wrecked my caf?.
it's a mess, in complete disarray!
climb the stairs; you'll hear creaks.
when it rains, the roof leaks,
and the ladies' room reeks. i won't pay!
"
"""joan has flown,"" moaned mccone, with a groan.
""i will publish it, let it be known.
i'll announce it, promulgate,
declare, and divulgate:
that crone! out she's thrown on her own!""
"
"taking vitamins a, b, and c
helps maintain your good health, i'll agree,
but to keep bones from breaking
it helps to be taking
calciferol  (vitamin d).
"
"with its assets displayed in my databank,
i feel anxious?how will frank, the rater, rank
my inherited trust,
which i fear's going bust?
will the legacy (left by dear pater) tank?
"
"michael's diet has never been sensible.
high in fats, it is hardly defensible,
and he's putting on weight.
mike opines, ""ain't it great
that my belly is highly distensible?""
"
"as i dig in your field, near the edge,
i'll be sure to preserve all the cledge
on your clay?fuller's earth.
since i know what it's worth,
i'm extending my solemnest pledge.
"
"""the democratic-republican party,""
says a student of history, artie,
""fought al hamilton's bank.
tom and james we must thank
for the party. its founders were hardy.""
"
"my dentist displayed satisfaction
on finding my dental impaction,
but his words were abrupt:
""seems your tooth can't erupt.""
(he's attracted to thoughts of extraction.)
"
"what's a didact? a person whose tactic
when speaking of, say, chiropractic,
is unduly specific
and turns soporific.
he's preachy and dull?he's didactic.
"
"these needles inhabit the skies,
eating bees, and mosquitoes, and flies,
but it seems just a yarn?
can these dragonflies darn?
are they sewing supplies in disguise?
"
"i've been thinking of aztecs and incas?
how they'd celebrate fetes. they were drinkas;
they ranted, and chanted,
and danced till they panted,
then sacrificed humans, the stinkas!
"
"my wife has a weakness for bling;
on her birthday i know what to bring.
she likes styles that are bold?
hefty stones set in gold?
so i brought her a huge dinner ring.
"
"when i think of dinichthys, i wish
i could actually catch such a fish,
but this kin of the gar
is a fossil and far
from a fish for a dish that's delish.
"
"you may think i'm a showoff or snobby,
but my music of choice is punjabi,
and i cherish the role
of a drum called the dhol?
to promote it, i'm forming a lobby.
"
"i coach tennis as well, and my data sets
encompass both early and later sets,
and i'm pleased to report
chet's improved in this sport.
i predict he'll be playing much greater sets.
"
"fractured femur? improve your prognosis.
let me set it, perform diorthosis,
thus avoid the enormity
of a limp or deformity,
and the threat of gangrene (that's necrosis).
"
"""having guests? there's no need to be nervous,""
said my aunt, the distinguished ms. purvis.
""use my silver and china
from south carolina?
it was robert e. lee's dinner service.""
"
"think of dimetapp when you've a cold?
without doctors' prescriptions it's sold?
antihistamine, plus
decongestant, and thus
coughs and sniffles are quickly controlled.
"
"to demyelinate someone's nerves,
this disease strips the padding  that serves
to protect. the distress
that is caused by ms
is dysfunction no person deserves.
"
"i queried my local librarian:
""what's the meaning of this: dietarian?""
""one who stringent rules follows
for all that he swallows
(so he's likely a disciplinarian).""
"
"if you're looking for something to nibble,
use a digging stick (also called dibble).
ancient cultures have found:
shove this stick in the ground,
pull up roots?maybe not?i won't quibble.
"
"at my local caf?, the proprietor
says of all of his diners, none's quieter
than the strict dietarian,
who's not a contrarian,
but a picky and food-obsessed dieter.
"
"the word's delichon?genus of swallows
that live on the cliffs (not in hollows),
but they also will nest
in your eaves, as a guest,
and raise babies. (that usually follows.)
"
"say it ""der-do-ing""; say it ""der-do-ing""?
if danger is what you're pursuing.
don't expect me to say
that i think it's okay.
in the end, you may find yourself ruing.
"
"there is no way her doc can assure a
happy outcome. he's trying to cure a
case of poisoning from
this odd plant. she'll succumb
to the thorn apple (known as datura).
"
"your refusal appears to imply
that my power as chief you defy.
should your attitude jibe
with the will of your tribe,
we should sever our pact?disally.
"
"he lives out in the boonies, but he
has discovered our catv.
the antenna and cable
now make him quite able
to see lucy let loose (for a fee).
"
"says monroe of his exploits heroic:
""i display no distress; i'm a stoic.
i don't work up a sweat?
not enough to get wet?
none at all. my deeds aren't diapnoic.""
"
"""what? you plan to defang that large asp?""
i declared, feeling scared and agasp.
""pulling fangs from a snake
makes me quake. for god's sake,
if you do, keep a mighty firm grasp!""
"
"when it's time that you die, legends tell,
then the angel of death rings your bell?
dressed in black, with a hood.
if you've been extra good,
he will lead you to heaven, not hell.
"
"my son's in a frightful condition:
his mouth's undergone dedentition?
all his teeth have dropped out.
there's a reason, no doubt,
so we'll go see the pediatrician.
"
"this powerful tenor would take
all the high notes. our eardrums would shake.
now you ask, ""could he cook?""
i say, ""look in this book!
he could make a delmonico steak!""
"
"i love singing, but can't take the drone
of our priest, who's monotony-prone,
cantillating each sunday.
i'm hoping that one day
he'll get us a cantor, on loan.
"
"to its charms you will quickly succumb.
it's exciting and never ho-hum.
demerara, i've found,
is also renowned
as the base of guyana's great rum.
"
"when i edit your work, i delete
terms too dirty, i feel, to repeat?
not a rewrite?a phrase,
a few words. i win praise,
as my changes are always discrete.
"
"though she's sweet and as meek as a rabbit,
my girlfriend attends witches' sabbat,
so i'm worried, and scared too,
and fully prepared to
disaccustom her?break that bad habit.
"
"the church choir? they normally bore us
with the way (so refined) they implore us
to declare them the brightest.
(they're sure the up-tightest.)
the politest of groups is decorous!
"
"life's a mess when you drink to excess.
too much liquid can lead to duress.
dipsotherapy might
help relieve your sad plight,
though it simply prescribes drinking less.
"
"what's a dinner dress? think of this noun
as an outfit you won't wear to town
in the daytime; but later
when you're served by a waiter?
yet it's not quite a formal ball gown.
"
"the physicist paul a. dirac
embarked on a cutting-edge track;
he devised new equations
on many occasions?
made progress and never looked back.
"
"some words are quite easily said
as i read to myself in my head,
but some others, i fear,
chthonic pains-in-the-rear,
not articulable, fill me with dread.
"
"due to difficultness, this limerick's written
with travail, though it's certainly fittin'.
when a task is this tough,
man, you need the right stuff
to complete the hard job without quittin'.
"
"""freshmen pulled off their boots in the rain;
then they danced!"" cried aunt jane with disdain.
""i will never forget
how their feet got all wet.
adolescents today are insane!""
"
"""though i'm badminton coach,"" cried yvette,
""hitting shuttlecocks over a net
with a long-handled racket?
i can no longer hack it.
it's the scoring i tend to forget.""
"
"my new history book takes a fix on
politicians who've played dirty tricks on
an opponent or rival
to deny him survival.
i focus on richard m. nixon.
"
"in describing the past, is it utile
to declare life was mean, short, and brutal?
i picture the cave men
as loving and brave men
whose life was austere, but not futile.
"
"phoebe needs a new gown for the ball,
and she's gained twenty pounds since last fall.
to the salesgirl she quips,
""let's de-emphasize hips
so they'll never be noticed at all.""
"
"there's a guy on the ground in distress,
and his ankle's all swollen?a mess!
he's in pain, i'm afraid,
though i'm giving first aid
(that i learned in first grade, i'll confess).
"
"when i'm trying to work, she's distractive;
my libido becomes overactive.
my attentiveness swerves
when her well-rounded curves
heat my passion?she's so calefactive!
"
"stanley's acts were dishonorably planned.
the result? our whole workgroup was canned.
he filed faulty reports
of despicable sorts,
forged our names with a cowardly hand.
"
"i'm a doctor who treats dermatosis,
an expert in skin diagnosis
who can treat any rash
if the patient pays cash?
using salves and a bit of hypnosis.
"
"""see this patch, where it's thick in the stroma
of your dermis? a large dermatoma
is growing. i'll cut!""
""i'll agree to that, but
i insist that i see your diploma.""
"
"represented by several dignitaries,
our nation was one of the signataries
of the pact, as was fit.
should some vips quit,
i'll be counted among the resignataries.
"
"the dalai lama's in exile, and yet
there's a lot of unrest in tibet,
and the government blames him.
it frequently names him
when peace in tibet is upset.
"
"dictyomas are known to arise
in the eyes. it is not a surprise
that they must be removed
so that vision's improved,
though they're really quite tiny in size.
"
"said my broker, mohandas k. moffitt,
""if you're wearing a hat, you should doff it.
all my clients get  paid off?
just like bernie madoff!""
he deceitfully promised a profit.
"
"a divining rod, wielded real quick,
is the dowser's most typical pick.
he can make an appraisal
with a branch made of hazel.
is there water?  he'll ask a forked stick.
"
"dipodomys?the kangaroo rat?
is no kin to the roo; fancy that!
it does not sport a pouch,
and for that i can vouch.
north america's where that rat's at.
"
"your dog has a tapeworm, you see,
and its larvae reside in the flea.
for this dipylidiasis,
clearly my bias is:
get your pets parasite-free!
"
"these disbursements are all disallowable,
though they're accurate?thus they're avowable.
buying fields makes no sense?
not a business expense;
never mind that they're fertile and plowable!
"
"rick's research was recorded by hand.
andy offered to help. it was grand,
as he digitized data
so the findings would rate a
computer-based study he'd planned.
"
"mamma's shocked and unsettled; she's grieving,
but she just can't conceive of your thieving.
though she's gone to the jail,
and she's paid for your bail,
she remains unconvinced, disbelieving.
"
"it was easy for me to predict
that your story and mine would conflict.
i object, disaffirm,
contradict you?you worm!
you may lie, but i cannot be tricked.
"
"i wonder why arnold was snarling
when he said, ""nice lamb coat you've got, darling.""
what, you think he said ""dearling""
when he looked at my shearling?
it appears that to him i'm a warling.
"
"please dichotomize?split this in two.
make two lists of what rudy should do.
on the left, write what he
must do a.s.a.p.;
on the right what is not p.d.q.
"
"jane complained in a voice most melodious:
""i declare, this old car's discommodious;
it is most inconvenient!
i try to be lenient,
but the seats are so lumpy it's odious.""
"
"in this limerick i plan to extol
the fuel that burns bright?cannel coal!
it has volatile oils
that are rare in most soils,
and its warm cheery flames will console.
"
"from my botany text, this i copy:
""dendromecon's a genus of poppy
that will grow on a tree
and is lovely to see.""
don't confuse the two species?that's sloppy.
"
"disaffectionate?distant and cold?
katie's attitude made me less bold.
her demeanor, aloof,
i accepted as proof
that she prized herself higher than gold.
"
"will you help with this disambiguation?
it's a song title clarification:
""serenata"" belongs
to at least thirteen songs,
both in english and spanish translation.
"
"my friend norm won't obey or conform
to the rules that pertain in our dorm.
for the staff, the enormity
of norm's disconformity
created a punitive storm.
"
"lynne, our intern, is useless, expendable.
we had hoped she'd be smart and  dependable,
but she shirks and she flirts?
all her work's done in spurts.
on the whole, this new clerk's discommendable.
"
"got discitis? this painful attack
means twixt vertebrae, there in your back,
several disks are inflamed,
and it may leave you maimed.
see your doctor?don't visit a quack!
"
"a reporter, i cover divorce courts.
my impression at first: change-of-course courts,
but the looks on the faces
of the folks in most cases
makes me now call  the places remorse courts.
"
"ted's writing was shameful, discreditable,
with smut that was not even editable.
disappointed, i fired him,
then inquired who had sired him?
is immoral behavior hereditable?
"
"folks, it's spring! i just saw a cup fungus;
from winter, this mushroom has sprung us!
this bright scarlet cup
lifts my spirits right up?
the effect on my soul is humungous!
"
"on vacation, we learned the merengue,
but were bitten?infected with dengue.
yes, mosquitoes transmit
this disease that won't quit.
from a bat, though, cows get derriengue.
"
"call the guards! mass the soldiers with urgency!
there's a mob crying, ""we want detergency!
though we've scrubbed, and we've toiled,
all our clothing's still soiled!""
can our generals meet this emergency?
"
"what's denotative helps you to know
what an author is trying to show.
thus his writing's explicative,
of his meaning, indicative
of the path along which he will go.
"
"when i sued after breaking my knee,
i expected the matter to be
settled quickly and neatly
(in my favor, completely),
but it's slowed by a dilatory plea.
"
"doc was moved, and his voice had a thickness:
""i commend your commander. his quickness
saved some lives, i'd have guessed,
when his men decompressed
at a rate to abate any sickness.""
"
"the housemaid, i noticed, was crying.
""damn! this shrub doesn't work! here i'm trying
to tan hide,"" said the skivvy,
""with this fresh divi-divi
that is said to be useful for dyeing.""
"
"the new dean? he was once our professor,
and he bullied us, played the aggressor.
you'll find that dictature
is part of his nature:
coercer, tormentor, oppressor.
"
"i get ulcers from food that's hellenic.
my stomach, once calm and irenic,
gets excessively acid,
when once it was placid.
moussaka is acidogenic!
"
"with the aid of his modern phoropters,
ted will measure how many diopters
clients' lenses will need
so their users succeed,
whether flying their kites or their copters.
"
"my mom is a doctor, and please!
she gets busy whenever i sneeze.
if she thinks it's infection,
she gives an injection
of medicine?twenty ccs!
"
"i go soft and i melt (deliquesce)
when i look at my best girlfriend, tess.
i dissolve, i'm unglu?d;
i morph into fluid?
elixir of love, i confess.
"
"what's a diplopod? hard bug to beat
if you're counting the number of feet.
they make cyanide too,
which they'll puff right at you?
even mints wouldn't make their breath sweet.
"
"""since your articles run too disjointedly,
chief reporter you won't be made ointedly.""
""though i knew that was true,
i'm so blue. couldn't you
just appoint me?"" cried tom disappointedly.
"
"have you heard of the dolichos pea?
it's a vine that can climb up a tree.
this south african guest
in australia's a pest,
and it's much too invasive for me!
"
"mother told me all men are the same,
and that sex is the name of their game.
now all lust brings disgustfulness
and suspicion (distrustfulness).
i'm a virgin, and mother's to blame!
"
"""i have built a clandestine distillery
to make moonshine real cheap,"" said aunt hillary,
""in those fake backwoods shacks.
since i never pay tax,
they're protected by heavy artillery.""
"
"""he had seemed to be perfect,"" sue stammered,
""till i saw him at work. how he hammered!
like a cyclone he went:
nails were broken and bent.
not much glamour; i felt disenamored.""
"
"""when his nails got all twisted, he ranted,
and shouted, and cursed till he panted.
though he'd seemed so ideal,
neil revealed he's a heel.
disillusioned, i feel  disenchanted.""
"
"please bestow these arts honors discretionally.
use free choice, and good judgment, professionally.
in awarding the prize
for best portrait, it's wise
to give credit for painting expressionally.
"
"is your illness, like flux, diarrheal?
i've a treatment that's really ideal!
take these pills, pink and brown.
what? you can't keep them down?
how the hell is your gut gonna heal?
"
"in nevada?las vegas or reno?
i visit the nearest casino,
where i lose every bet,
both on craps and roulette,
and at lunch, all my cash feeds the keno.
"
"disconsolation means ""heartbreak"" or ""sadness""
at some tragedy, evil, or badness.
you may pine and grow cold;
you cannot be consoled.
melancholia grips you like madness.
"
"driving north from the woods, these roads merge;
as we're traveling south, they diverge.
if you're scared, just bear right;
we'll be home before night,
or bear left, and our hormones will surge.
"
"the demiurge, spirit creative,
was to plato's philosophy native.
by this god, plato stated,
the world was created
from chaos, and made integrative.
"
"see the drawing i've got on my easel?
it's a dipsacus. no, not a weasel!
are you joking, or can't
you make out it's a plant,
and a prickly one too?it's a teasel.
"
"my new yacht in the harbor just sank;
there's a run on my neighborhood bank;
elton john stole my song;
so what more can go wrong?
?
?
[note: line 5 is left purposely blank.]
"
"i approached the young woman desirefully.
she replied in the negative, direfully:
full of trouble, implying
that of love she was dying.
""i don't buy it,"" i cried, speaking irefully.
"
"hamlet looks at his life discontentedly.
not at peace, he feigns madness inventedly.
to avenge daddy's ghost,
uncle claude must be toast.
what's the point of his raving dementedly?
"
"if you choose to maintain your defiance
of rules?your complete discompliance?
and you carry a gun,
even though you're my son,
i will have to dissolve our alliance.
"
"this spine in the photo is really a
specimen showing, ideally, a
doubling. it's true
that the cord's split in two?
an example of diplomyelia.
"
"i insist that your boyfriend is rootless.
further argument's bootless and fruitless.
it's not just assertable,
it's incontrovertible;
a matter of fact, it's disputeless.
"
"cousin hortense is bitter, and she
made complaints, but i just can't agree.
since her sarcasm?mordancy?
caused this discordancy,
""lighten things up"" is my plea.
"
"what's a divo? a tenor who'll boast,
in italia, his voice is the most,
so we toast this male diva;
for him crowds shout ""viva!""?
and a town in the ivory coast.
"
"the dinner plate: circular, flat
dish of china. it's molded so that
there's a rim or a lip
so your gravy won't drip
on your tablecloth, napkin, or mat.
"
"my heartbeat has phases: one's frolic;
the other's depressed, melancholic.
with contraction i'm happy,
but then i feel crappy
and sad when my heart's diastolic.
"
"my apartment has been disarranged,
the position of furniture changed.
once so neat and complete
was my suite?my  retreat;
from that refuge i now feel estranged.
"
"though submitted with hope and affection,
our request has been met with rejection.
this unfair disallowance
has caused our avowance
to defeat you in next year's election.
"
"their sperm are petite, energetic?
human males, whom we call digametic,
since two kinds arise.
sperm are x's and y's.
both are vigorous, spry and athletic.
"
"the pitcher had aimed for the face
of my son?hit his lip?a disgrace!
since it broke off his cuspid,
his dentist let us bid
on a fake one to take that one's place.
"
"in reform schools, the disciplinal creeds
stress compliance above inmates' needs.
if a kid breaks a rule,
the reaction is cruel.
guards will beat the poor fool till he bleeds.
"
"some fungi aren't hard to predict.
making spores, they are apt to abstrict?
divide spores with a thin
kind of septum or skin?
thus to shed them, without getting ticked.
?
though i know that it may sound like fiction,
the fungus that's planning abstriction,
among other chores,
forms asexual spores.
i assert this without contradiction.
"
"we are foes of the current regime;
our defiance has reached an extreme.
the prime minister's hated;
his baseness created
the public's extreme disesteem.
"
"her skills and her brains? they explain a
commitment that helped to maintain a
most varied career
as a star without peer.
she invented the name of marlene.
"
"""i use ditrochees often,"" said jerry,
""in our anapest-style dictionary,
though the second stress does
get a little more buzz?
as you see in the word huckleberry.""
"
"hector's sick, so i must disinfect
all his clothes that i'm here to collect.
i don't care if his flu
is n1 or n2.
that's the rule?i mean no disrespect.
"
"what is discophile? quaint, dated word
for a guy who likes records?a nerd
whose collection now thrives
on antique forty-fives,
and the odd thirty-three-and-a-third.
"
"""a ditrochee's awkward within
my new limerick,"" said lynne with chagrin.
""using anapest meter,
i feel like a cheater
when i write the name huckleberry finn.""
"
"ko-ko sings us the plaintive lament
of a dickey bird, morbidly bent,
who meets death in a billow,
in the song called ""tit-willow""?
a bird's suicidal intent.
"
"the earliest kind of endoscopy
was probably this: diaphanoscopy.
thomas edison's light
was so focused and bright,
it invited this new celioscopy.
"
"an actress like dame judi dench
will never be left on the bench.
she can be mrs. brown,
or a crone or a clown,
or a will-o-the wisp, or a wench.
"
"when debbie came out as a deb,
at the ball she met millionaire jeb,
who was cute and available.
said mom, ""hope he's nail-able?
he owns half of omaha, neb.""
"
"as i danced in the evening with tim,
the glow of the candles was dim.
tim seemed handsome and clever;
i now know, however,
what was dim at our meeting was him.
"
"if you cook in a stewpot or skillet,
and you need something starchy to fill it,
you may wish to procure a
fine flour made from dhurra?
it's also called indian millet.
"
"as i read your mean verse, i must grin.
i will wed her: this beauty i'll win!
she is courtable, see,
not to you, but to me,
since i too am besotted with gin.
"
"you swore that the lady was courtable,
but the truth, in your hands, is distortable.
she was ugly as sin
and drank nothing but gin.
what, escortable? hell, she's deportable!
"
"we returned with a dead mallard duck
that the dog had just killed. ""i will pluck,
or deplume, this fine bird?
that's a five-dollar word?
and i'll roast it,"" said mom. ""we're in luck!""
"
"there's much about max i disparage:
his posture is slumping; his carriage
makes him look like a slug,
and he's bald?wears a rug.
i've accepted his offer of marriage.
"
"seems my husband was never a scout,
and knows naught of what scouting's about.
i said, ""be a den father.""
he answered, ""why bother?
i'd shout; scouts would pout?there's no doubt!""
"
"a marsh hawk today was the carrier
of food for her chicks; and no barrier,
of stone or of quercus,
would stymie the circus
cyaneus?mother hen harrier.
"
"""one denar?"" cried grandmother sonya,
""a pittance in old macedonia.""
""but with twenty denari?""
i asked. she said, ""sorry?
not enough for a single begonia.""
"
"between mortal and god was the daimon
to the greeks, and they often were sly men.
i'd expect them to be males,
but were some of them  females?
if so, were they born with a hymen?
"
"why this limerick? mainly to learn
of a plant called the curly grass fern.
although ferns of this kind
are quite small, hard to find,
here's a photo?'twill make your head turn.
"
"i see, on your permit renewal,
that this engine takes just diesel fuel,
though, according to hoyle,
you can use diesel oil,
as they're synonyms?that's my construal.
"
"when nat injured his heel, diastasis
of his bones he could feel. 'twas the basis
of his terrible pain.
nat will never again
run a race at that drunkard's oasis.
"
"when my gut springs a leak, diastaltic
progression is shot. then asphaltic
is the feel of my belly?
no longer like jelly?
it's in spasm, so hard it's basaltic.
"
"if you wear such revealing attire,
you'll inspire every guy's deep desire.
you are sexy, a looker;
you'll be pegged as a hooker
and direness (mischance) might transpire.
"
"""yes, i know giving money's discretional?
volunteered?but my nature's obsessional.
i must learn to raise cash
without sounding too brash,
or too rash?that is quite unprofessional.""
"
"chris insists that his writing's artistic;
my opinion is less optimistic.
at his stories i balk?
they're entirely talk?
no description, they're dialogistic.
"
"what's the nature of dialectology?
part's linguistics and part is psychology,
as regional speech
has a good bit of each,
and a touch of, i guess, anthropology.
"
"diphtheria's spread's not venereal.
the afflicted discharge their bacterial
droplets, coughed with impunity,
throughout the community,
dispersing infections diphtherial.
"
"my new doctor (i think he's a phony)
says my problem's de toni-fanconi,
with decreased kidney function.
i feel, at this junction,
his opinion is full of baloney.
"
"if my capsicum plants, once again,
should grow tall in the sun and the rain,
with capsaicin i'd
have the caustic amide
used in ointment that's helpful for pain.
"
"there's a sore on your lip or your eye,
and a lump that you note with a sigh.
it's a swelling chagoma;
you may fear a coma,
or worse, that you're going to die.
"
"my new car is a beautiful thing.
what?! its door has a dent, or a ding
from a pebble or stone
that was flung, tossed, or thrown?
if you're guilty, then charges i'll bring.
"
"""digastric? two bellies!"" cried russell.
i decided to give him a tussle:
""the belly's a feature
given one to each creature.""
""but this word's applied to a muscle.""
"
"it's dilatant. change shape and it grows;
it expands. every layperson knows
that volume increases
when constituent pieces
get farther apart?i suppose.
"
"dinoflagellates: name for the tiny
protozoans you'll find in the briny.
yes, their covering plates
make them rigid. my fate's
that i can't tell one's head from its heinie.
"
"bob had treasured his job?loved it burningly?
and when fired from it, pined for it yearningly.
""don't despair and get sauced
'cause your paycheck is lost,""
advised sensitive sally, discerningly.
"
"mort's report says our plans are abortive;
his reportage is very distortive.
he inflates every flaw.
(he's my brother-in-law;
you'd think mort would be much more supportive.)
"
"think it's colic? a case of entralgia?
what? your stomach? the pain is gastralgia?
well, your tests are emphatic?
it's diaphragmatic.
young man, you have diaphragmalgia!
"
"i will test your diadochokinesis.
see me flipping my hand? try mimesis.
that seemed easy to master;
now go a bit faster.
you did fine, with no diaphoresis!
"
"it's translucent?this stuff's diaphanic?
like the glass, sometimes seen, that's volcanic.
it allows light to pass
like a cloudy, smoked glass,
but you can't see right through, so don't panic.
"
"at the orgy, the boys had recorded
my sibling, now pregnant?how sordid!
yes, my sister participated
in conduct so dissipated?
is thus dissoluteness rewarded?
"
"""citrus fruits are god's gift, you'll agree.
perfect source of your citrus? the tree!
get your vitamin c
from fresh produce,"" says she.
""and you'll live to be ninety, like me.""
"
"aphrodisiac stronger than brandy?
in afghanistan, mandy turned randy
after eating a sweet
put her deeply in heat.
yes, a kandahar candy bar's dandy!
"
"among comics, this lady's a pillar;
and of homemaker's lives a distiller.
her admirers would hang
on the foibles of fang?
that's the husband of whom? phyllis diller.
"
"the drug dinoprost causes distortion
of your hormones in proper proportion,
so this strong prostaglandin
can offer a hand in
your medically proffered abortion.
"
"dioscin is found in the yam,
not the clam, or the lamb, or the ram,
or arachnids, or ants.
it's a steroid from plants
used for making your hormone pills, ma'am.
"
"""don't cast your aspersions maligningly
'cause sue's digging for water coal-miningly.
just bring to the house
a smart fellow who'll dowse.
that will work,"" uncle klaus said, diviningly.
"
"here's her movie; the film will reveal
she lives up to her name?hooded seal?
and our caps we must doff for a
well-bred cystophora.
she's talented?let's make a deal.
"
"if you're looking to buy some barometers
to read pressure and hang near thermometers,
an aneroid need
use no liquid. you read
hg in's or mb's, not kilometers.
"
"after drinking a six-pack of beer,
vera slept, then awoke feeling queer,
with her mouth dry and thirsting,
her bladder near-bursting?
beer's a great diuretic, it's clear.
"
"as his will was prepared with concreteness,
gramp's estate was divided with neatness.
i can clearly attest
he detailed each bequest.
this discreteness, for us, brought completeness.
"
"not a tidal wave, nor was it fluvial?
the cause of our flooding was pluvial.
a terrible rain
inundated our plain,
and caused pain due to damage diluvial.
"
"a discriminative person shows judgment;
his distinctions are clear, without fudgement.
such a paragon might
always do what is right,
so his honor remains without smudgement.
"
"lew declared, ""i'm not playing contrarian,
when confronting your bias sectarian.
'only lovers of jesus,'
you told me, 'will please us,
and you're a profane doctrinarian.'""
"
"this gazebo has little utility.
it was built with uncommon fragility?
neither sturdy nor strong.
when high winds come along,
you'll discover its dire discerptibility.
"
"though he'd never shown panic states priorly,
sy begged urgently, pressingly, direly.
he was calling from jail,
asking cash for his bail,
which would eat up my savings entirely.
"
"unwilling to seem apostatical,
he smiles and looks aristocratical.
he'll do nothing erratic,
bad-mannered, dramatic;
he'll be tactful?remain diplomatical.
"
"what's a death march? three meanings, say i:
 people herded in groups?many die?
or a pace slowly made
in a christmas parade,
or a bike ride that may go awry.
"
"in the dog pound they place every stray
that the dogcatchers nab every day.
each needs friendship and love.
take one home. god above
will your kindness reward?every way.
"
"the dogs at the dog show all need
lots of training and poise to succeed,
and they must be well-groomed
or their chances are doomed
to be chosen as best of their breed.
"
"did you plan writing doggerel?  you'd
need to utilize words that are crude,
like i do in this limerick?
use each gizmo and  gimm-er-ick.
and it helps to compose when you're stewed.
"
"a do-rag's worn tight on the head.
it's to keep the hair straight?so it's said.
it's a style i admire. it
resembles a pirate
to swordplay and plundering  bred.
"
"sy's a stubborn, determined old guy;
the most challenging projects he'll try,
and he'll give it his all,
either triumph or fall?
he's described by this term: do-or-die.
"
"""this mission's,"" i heard the sarge cry,
""full of peril, i cannot deny.
to the battle it's key?
all the honchos agree.
we can't slack; our attack's do-or-die.""
"
"when we asked if the office was rentable,
guy's reply was uncouth, not presentable,
and he swung at me, too?
i can prove it. i'll sue,
as his conduct was all documentable.
"
"i say, ""auntie, your mind's in confusion.
i must introduce disillusion.
the feds will not pay
to produce your new play.""
then she smacks me; i get a contusion.
"
"with couture that, in queens, we call haute,
a dog collar's worn round the throat
of a glamorous dame,
though a dog wears the same,
and they're both known to wear a fur coat.
"
"she eats soil? that's a kind of geophagy;
is she starved, undergoing autophagy?
no, her dirt-eating habit
is rural, dagnabbit!
it's risky, involving saprophagy.
"
"it arose from a pouch diverticular?
from my colon, it stands perpendicular?
take it out! i'm so scared
that my love life's impaired
(in particular, extracurricular).
"
"we all love our proctologist, pam?
her great gams, and her aura of glam.
tough and masculine guys
have been heard to breathe sighs
as she digitally does her exam.
"
"a stray dog is a canine who needs
care and training, like fancier breeds.
in adopting a mutt
there's uncertainty, but
such a deed almost always succeeds.
"
"i'm a servant, a skivvy, a maid?
not a glamorous trade, i'm afraid.
to define a domestic
in lines anapestic,
just add that we're seldom well-paid.
"
"in her office, they're docile as lambs.
there's no cursing, no ""hell""s and no ""damn""s,
and as patients depart,
they express, from the heart,
many ""wow""s and a few ""thank you, ma'am""s.
"
"my friend mortimer never could cope.
he felt stupid and often would mope,
but he always would say:
""well, at least i'm not gay!""
folks would comment: ""well, that's the straight dope.""
"
"his lament gave us all quite a jolt:
""i'm a moron, a fool; i'm a dolt!
asked my teacher, 'lahore
was involved in what war?'
i replied, 'in the call girl revolt.'""
"
"distributionists know the solution
to poverty: fair distribution
of the nation's resources.
the problem, of course, is
achieving the plan's execution.
"
"the architect hired to design
the dialysis clinic, sy klein,
found where patients were dialyzed,
most settings were stylized.
""i'll try putting oomph into mine!""
"
"the eskimo lives in a dome
made of ice blocks, and calls it his home.
with no planes or inclines,
it's just curves?no straight lines
(like the ones in this anapest poem).
"
"in khartoum, when hugh bloom met his doom,
he was placed in the family tomb.
before dawn, he yelled: ""hell,
what a gruesome hotel?
much too gloomy, and not enough room!""
"
"in his donut shop, one of joe's goals
is fairness. for donuts, he doles
out the same piece of dough
as for crullers, and so
he declares: ""i'm not charging for holes.""
"
"it's hotel-like in function and form:
our new dormitory (students say dorm).
the professors all call
it a residence hall?
fancy words, for those nerds, is the norm.
"
"i've enjoyed, since we married, felicity.
my dear wife has a keen domesticity.
she cooks, sews, and cleans,
and i help, by all means?
she gives orders with great specificity!
"
"as a wife, she was fond; she was doting,
always careful, his comfort promoting.
and the pill that would kill,
tailor-made in brazil,
she prepared with a sweet sugar coating.
"
"at my school i reside in a dorm
where adherence to rules is the norm,
and we always take orders
from residence warders.
have you guessed that my school is reform?
"
"""my great-grandpa would never forget
being served on that fine dinner set.
it was prized by lee's wife?
every plate, fork, and knife?
and its loss was her greatest regret.""
"
"when it's snowing, the silly old sun
sometimes hides behind clouds till it's done
(that's to say, snowing stops),
and then out the sun pops
so the sliders on sleds can have fun.
"
"""mein knockwurst iss dere on de shelf;
in de ice box, i put it meinzelf,""
said my austrian cousin.
i asked, ""got a dozen?""
""i denk zo,"" she cried. ""i got tvelf!""
"
"the dog collar worn by a priest
is so stiff that it never looks creased,
and it's always pure white?
quite a comforting sight.
it's a shame it was named for a beast.
"
"my mother says roxie's a doxie
whose gown is held up by epoxy,
and whose billowing chest's
got two silicone breasts?
but to me she's a fox full of moxie.
"
"this megalomaniac haitian
has plans to seek world domination.
he's determined to rule
the whole planet?the fool!
his design's an insane aberration.
"
"this film about octogenarians
was made by two documentarians.
well, to me it seems staged?
in a home for the aged,
folks have food fights? they looked like barbarians!
"
"here's a fact that they taught me in school:
a donkey gives birth to a mule
if the father's a horse,
and the offspring, of course,
are infertile?and dense, as a rule.
"
"i examined the photos and, yup,
my bazooms  look like c or d cup!
i don't want those pics seen
in the club's magazine.
can't you alter them?doctor them up?
"
"if it's dogma, belief is required,
as by heaven the teaching's inspired.
to deny (parenthetically)
is to falter heretically.
in the faith, this conviction's hard-wired.
"
"when for oversized clothes she's a model,
flo laughs and declares it's a doddle.
down the runway she'll go
at the ""large women's"" show,
or, to be more precise, she will waddle.
"
"it is not just a case of priority
based on voting results (a majority);
a doctrine's the chief
and accepted belief
that's imposed by the highest authority.
"
"on the isle of o'ahu, it's said
there's a tuff cone that's called diamond head.
it's a landmark hawai'ians
have pride in, like lions.
from its top a grand view is outspread.
"
"mitch was ousted; he lost his position
as our hospital's pediatrician.
his downfall was drink.
on  the weekends he'd stink,
and pass out in the hall, in addition.
"
"i've been searching for books up in attics.
not dramatics?my major's dogmatics.
though it's dogma i study,
don't typecast me, buddy,
among the religious fanatics.
"
"districhiasis, found in my lashes,
makes my eyes feel i've rubbed in some ashes.
i have doubled-up hairs:
yes, i grow them in pairs.
each a follicle shares?leads to clashes!
"
"said aunt mindy, ashamed and chagrinned,
when she (how shall i say it?) broke wind,
in the church, in a session
of holy confession:
""don't get downwind of me, as i've sinned.""
"
"they found him collapsed at the dockside.
hypertensive, he took diazoxide.
to revive him they tried,
but the poor fellow died?
they'd administered carbon dioxide.
"
"auntie's son is a dumbbell, a dolt.
he has less common sense than a colt.
yes, i'd call cousin rufus
a dodo, or doofus,
a nut that's screwed loose from its bolt.
"
"brett was drenched; he was dowsed, soaking wet,
when he jumped in the pool on a bet.
his tuxedo was wrecked,
and he's mad, i suspect,
as his friends haven't yet paid their debt.
"
"with a key to my flat, mother nosily
found me sprawled on the couch, nodding dozily;
but what gave her a shock
was the handsome young jock
cuddled up at my side, oh so cozily.
"
"sic your dog on a burglar or thief;
she'll protect her commander-in-chief.
she will growl and she'll bark,
but your cookies you'll park
if you're dogsick?you'll barf for relief.
"
"""ma complains of a lump in her jaw,""
said paloma, her daughter-in-law.
""it's a large dentinoma.
to the o.r. we go, ma.
soon you won't have no pain when you chaw.""
"
"i had plenty of moxie and pluck
when i borrowed to buy a new truck.
now a downturn in work
makes me feel like a jerk.
out of luck now, i can't make a buck.
"
"the stock market's downspin brought gloom,
and the brokers spoke loudly of doom
as they watched prices fall,
but what's worse was their call?
as they all had predicted a boom.
"
"i am sure that it wasn't our doziness
that mom scorned, but our genial rosiness
as we opened our eyes
and cried, ""what a surprise!
won't you join us and share in our coziness?""
"
"yes, my garden displays an accretion
of plants with two sexes (diecian).
pollination they need
to make fertilized seed?
reproduction thus reaches completion.
"
"""botulinum makes one of a medley
of poisons,"" said officer smedley.
if a guy puts this toxin
on your bagel and lox, in
a week that small meal may prove deadly.
"
"the male downy woodpecker's said
to be sporting a spot on his head,
while the female has none;
and their offspring, for fun,
all wear juvenile beanies of red.
"
"a hermaphrodite, yes, but dichogamy
will prevent sex with self (that's autogamy).
eggs and sperm reach their primes,
but at quite different times,
so the plant has to practice xenogamy.
"
"the ruler of egypt (khedive),
quite a doubter, once said, ""disbelieve
what your neighbors propose.
some are dumb, heaven knows,
and the rest do their best to deceive.""
"
"pris insists that her boyfriend's artistic;
he wears black and he channels a mystic.
she adores him, but i
need a down-to-earth guy?
someone practical, strong, realistic.
"
"dottie claims my opinions are rot.
when i say something's good, she says ""not!""
when i cheer, dottie boos;
my reviews she pooh-poohs,
and she downplays what judgment i've got.
"
"it's dimidiate, cut right in half,
with a fruit knife, by one of my staff.
my knee, which was swellin',
he thought was a melon,
so now he's a felon. some gaffe!
"
"if you have it with african liquor,
your dika bread's swallowed much quicker.
sure, it's made from the nut
of the dika tree, but
if you're drinking, please don't tell the vicar.
"
"bed of roses? for di, bed of nails.
thus a modern-day fairy tale fails:
first divorce, then the dash
from pursuers, and crash.
now we weep for our princess of wales.
"
"when he suffered with bladder stones, pater
saw a surgeon who used a dilator.
his condition improved
as the stones were removed
when the width of his tube was made greater.
"
"there's a bunting that's called a dickcissel.
its song isn't really a whistle.
it goes something like this:
""dik dik cis cis cis cis""
(though my version would make the bird bristle).
"
"what is dimissory gives one permission
to leave, or the axe?definition
with two separate senses.
the difference, immense, is
leave with thanks, or be sent to perdition.
"
"a dipeptide's a chemical that
can be hydrolyzed, right off the bat.
amino acids you'll get.
each dipeptide, i'll bet,
yields two acids in one second flat.
"
"it's an obsolete word: dimication.
what's it meaning? perhaps ""constipation""?
or ""consuming bad booze""?
if you choose those, you lose.
""altercation"" wins my commendation.
"
"""he loves me,"" she says, ""loves me not.""
and she pulls off a petal. then what
does she find?lovesick maisie??
a dipetalous daisy.
""where was i?"" she cries. ""i forgot!""
"
"in addressing excess in the press,
cousin tess may be said to digress.
off on tangents she goes
to disclose all her woes;
about those i just couldn't care less.
"
"our instructor threw lew on the horse
(that's the one that has pommels, of course).
""in my class, any jerk'll
learn a double leg circle,""
he bragged. ""for technique i'm the source!""
"
"""a dichloride is sometimes a salt.
it has two chlorine atoms,"" said walt,
""and it may be organic,
or not; but don't panic.
for the differences, nature's at fault.""
"
"in the prophase of this cell's division,
there is action and no indecision.
it's diakinesis,
releasing some pieces
that split but avoid a collision.
"
"gerry had no i.d.?he was cardless?
yet he seemed of good cheer, disregardless.
he was nonchalant, heedless,
said: ""worry is needless!""
we bought drinks, but our group was gerardless.
"
"""your son steve's disciplinable, teachable.
his defenses against us are breachable.
in the end they will cave.
he will learn to behave,""
said the preacher. ""yes, steven is reachable.""
"
"our club's newsletter's hardly first class.
we have few volunteers so, alas,
i both write it and edit,
receiving no credit.
(have you read it?)  i double in brass.
"
"to avoid mixing terms, remain sharp,
or you'll fall from a logical scarp.
genus cyprinus? file
under ""tree""? under ""isle""?
no, it's found in the name of the carp.
"
"how i long for this treat?candied yams!
they go great with roast turkeys and hams.
you can eat them and say:
""i've had veggies today!""
though they're sweeter than jellies and jams.
"
"i no longer respect him?my ex.
with his mom down in waco, he necks,
in a complex of flats
(where she lives with her cats).
there his nickname is oedipus tex.
"
"loosen up, man, be free, disinhibit,
shed the normal restraints you exhibit,
so your beautiful singing
sets the opera house ringing?
like the voice of the great lawrence tibbett.
"
"of the very same stuff this guy's made.
he's employed; every week he gets paid,
but the do-naught says, ""why
should i labor, when i
can relax on the grass in the shade?""
"
"chris, a farmer who tills a small croft,
keeps a pigeon coop up in his loft.
""i get kicks from their tricks;
and from stroking their chicks,""
he insists. ""they're so downy (that's soft).""
"
"let's go sailing, our weathervane's showing
a southerly wind that is blowing.
as the river runs north,
it will carry us forth;
yes, it's downstream our boat will be going.
"
"joe was always a very fast rower.
as he aged, he got slower and slower.
when his joints became stiff,
he felt hopeless, as if
he'd slipped downwards?sunk lower and lower.
"
"consider the diplobacillus.
this paired microbe seems dire and may chill us.
tiny rods, end-to-end,
may look deadly, but, friend?
they are very unlikely to kill us.
"
"lee is arrogant, yes, autocratic.
his ideas can't be changed; they are static.
when the dogmatist speaks,
we agree or he freaks.
his correctness is quite automatic.
"
"from bordellos in beatnik bohemia
to the towers of high academia,
from chicago to venice,
the dog tick's a menace?
it spreads the disease tularemia.
"
"it's accepted today with propriety,
though it causes tremendous anxiety?
the extreme competition,
with no inhibition,
of our dog-eat-dog yuppie society.
"
"did some dognappers send you a threat
that they'd dognap (make off with) your pet?
you're upset, i can see,
but don't fret because he
is well-guarded; that pet they won't get!
"
"your flat is a doghole?a dump.
running water? you're using a pump.
in the winter, no heat;
you have frostbitten feet.
only losers live this way, you chump!
"
"""this excitement?please make it subside,
fade away, and die down,"" heidi cried.
""i can't think in this riot;
why won't they be quiet?""
""i'll try it; don't cry!"" i replied.
"
"jane and ray often play jay and bubbles
(the paynes). on the court they play doubles,
then go out for a drink?
and ray's heart starts to sink
as the paynes start unloading their troubles.
"
"it's april and flowers are  bloomin'.
as for me, since i'm merely a human,
i grow stuff in my ear
till i can't really hear,
and what waxes is wax, or cerumen.
"
"yes, a demiurge (wonders don't cease)
was a magistrate, back in old greece.
could one bribe him with pieces
of gold, gain releases
of greeks caught disturbing the peace?
"
"seeking gifts? you appear apprehensive.
cut-glass bowls may be very expensive
if the workmanship's high.
if you buy, please rely
on my knowledge of glass; it's extensive.
"
"should i ask: ""what's this limerick about?""
you'll be feeling unsure?full of doubt.
you can guess, more or less,
but it's best to confess
that you're doubtful?can't figure it out.
"
"i will free rosemarie?disenthrall
her from zealotry, once and for all!
as she's under the spell
of a guru from hell,
i may well be involved in a brawl.
"
"this word's neither pleasant nor sweet:
it is doubleness, meaning ""deceit,""
but the word also means
""being twofold."" that cleans
off the slate, and my limerick's complete.
"
"i consider, with deep desperation,
the drop in our frog population.
global warming, i fear,
caused their die-off this year?
for those species, a dire decimation.
"
"was that jane on the seat of the train
doubled over? the posture was plain.
(i decided thereafter:
she was scrunched up with laughter
or displaying the strain of great pain.)
"
"i said, ""mel, see this hidden green dell?
it is here that i hope we can dwell.
of seclusion, this dimble
is my personal symbol.""
he said, ""swell, belle, we'll build a hotel.""
"
"do dibranchiates give you the chills?
will you see one and head for the hills?
does an octopus fill you
with fears it will kill you?
(well, the name means the beast has two gills.)
"
"digladiate, old word for ""fight,""
in close combat, with all of your might,
comes from rome's ancient sport
in which lives were cut short?
but were spectators gratified? quite!
"
"at johns hopkins, four profs baltimorean
studied beasts that were all prehistorian.
""these remains, mesozoic,""
said one (an old stoic),
""belong to a rare dinosaurian.""
 ?
""of the order,"" he said, ""dinosauria.""
""is that what you're thinking?all four o' ya?""
i inquired. ""you're mistaken.
i can see that you're shaken.
they're the bones of my poodle, victoria!""
"
"at the lake, i'm too nervous to swim out
when the power dips low (there's a dim-out).
""what? you're scared of the dark?""
barked my ex-boyfriend mark.
that's what sparked my desire to throw him out.
"
"sarge was shrill, but used soldierly skill
as he put us through close-order drill.
we always were ready
for this march that was steady?
not thrilling, but run-of-the-mill.
"
"we are diplonts because of our cells.
that odd word?does it ring any bells?
it refers to the pairing
of chromosomes, sharing
the nucleus. two tales it tells.
"
"feeling tense and in need of some peace?
were you caught in a trap by police?
from the present embranglement
you'll need disentanglement;
your release will cause angst to decrease.
"
"with the club, we could not be complacent,
and our conflict did not remain nascent.
what's our beef? we can't see
why a golf course should be
where a deep-water bay's circumjacent.
"
"tired of eye strain? i'd guess the abuser
is your desk lamp. don't act like a loser!
to get rid of the glare,
it's a minor repair:
just install an efficient diffusor.
"
"from intelligent forebears we come,
making all other beasts appear dumb.
all us johnnies and janes
have extremely large brains
(and, of course, an opposable thumb).
"
"darwin never quite guessed the extent
of social unrest his descent
of man would produce.
even now, there's no truce?
the creationists holler: ""repent!""
"
"""double standard!"" cried andy with candor.
""to their males some societies pander.
rules for sex? men's are loose.
seems what's sauce for the goose
isn't also applied to the gander.""
"
"disconsolately,  stephanie wept
through the night, as sad vigil she kept
at the bedside of bill,
who was desperately ill?
and whose life reached its end while he slept.
"
"""i object to this club's double standard;
for years to the men it has pandered.
better towels and showers,
on the links, longer hours,""
growled ms howe. cried the club, ""we've been slandered!""
"
"i heard gert say the word, i've  no doubt.
i'm attempting to figure it out.
does some stud, buff and young
rate that term: double-hung?
no, it's windows she's talking about.
"
"seems today's their thirteenth anniversary.
the husband wants kids in the nursery,
but the wife's on the pill,
so they're arguing still.
their discussion's all kinds of discursory.
"
"lost my leg?it was blown into pieces?
and here's my definitive prosthesis.
it is glamorous, stunning;
i'm now up and running.
the wonder in life never ceases.
"
"all the hatches, my love, we must batten
when our son returns home to manhattan.
he's a terrible scholar.
i hope he won't holler
in that mangled-up language: dog latin.
"
"crufomate? it doesn't kill germs.
it is given by vets to cure worms.
the idea makes me nauseous;
i'd better be cautious
with veterinarians' terms!
"
"a downhole's a vertical hole,
whether dug by a human or mole.
it's a shaft through the soil
when you're drilling for oil,
or you're mining for diamonds or coal.
"
"steven's dovishness showed when he'd speak:
""i hate war; it is peace that i seek.""
when he ran for the house,
critics called him a mouse.
their excuse? that his views proved him weak.
"
"dourine has infected my horse,
so the vet came to treat him, of course.
""it's a horse std;
keep him intercourse-free!""
well, i had to restrain him by force.
"
"of florentine art, i will bellow:
it was swell,  just because this young fellow,
after working in rome,
brought the ancient style home.
i refer to the great donatello.
"
"call me dominus; i am the one
who's the boss and gets everything done.
if my wife were the master,
it would be a disaster,
so just call her ms. dunne (and then run!).
"
"disfiguration had squelched my elation
after silicone breast implantation.
then with much trepidation,
i caused a sensation;
my chest won sincere admiration.
"
"caveman dana was tortured by doubt:
would his latest invention pan out?
if he tossed his whole crop
of ripe grapes in the top,
would champagne then emerge from the spout?
"
"having written that verse, i met tess.
she exclaimed, ""you're a sloppy wet mess!
is it drool? is it sweat?
deliquescence, i'll bet!
i want more, but i guess i'll get less.""
"
"from the old chinese city called canton,
round the world to madrid and to scranton,
people troubled with seizures
can relish their leisures
with help from a drug called dilantin.
"
"minna's mission in life? to design law
that is fair and humane?really fine law.
""you should look for perfection
in a holy direction,""
says her priest. ""what you seek is divine law.""
"
"what's denominative tells us a name,
such as sayville, the town whence we came,
or fresh meadows, the park
where we'd meet after dark,
or our junior, a product of same.
"
"at dad's wake, when she told us her name,
we were sure she'd be making a claim
to our fortune. it's vital;
we must disentitle
this babe, or we'll lose the whole game.
"
"lepidopterists struggle to learn a
great deal, and their studies concern a
bright insect that flies
in the daytime. these guys
study butterflies, known as diurna.
"
"our prep school went nuts when a boarder
shot scenes on his roommate's recorder
showing students in lewd
situations?all nude.
the disruption created disorder.
"
"the terrorist group divine unity
seeks to harm and disrupt your community.
opportunity? lots
of accessible spots
where they plan to raise hell with impunity.
"
"your photo has made this disclosure:
my paunch has been pierced by a crozier.
while stark naked i dozed,
i was superimposed
on a bishop?a double exposure.
"
"of arcane information a font,
he's a double-domed geek, a savant.
though his speech is faux-british,
with ladies he's skittish.
can he ask for a date? no, he can't.
"
"my prof really knows quite a lot.
he's a double-dome, egghead; he's got
a great grasp of geology
and paleontology.
can he tie his own shoes? he cannot.
"
"to disrobe is to take off your clothes,
so you're naked right down to your tothes.
if you don't play the prude,
you will pothe in the nude,
and i'll paint every feature that shothes.
"
"artillery firing is fun
when you're learning to use the big gun.
you'll be cool, not a fool,
if you follow this rule:
don't go downrange till practice is done.
"
"i once knew a mrs. caputo
who wished she were living on pluto,
as her husband (now ex)
would refuse to have sex?
so she made the old brute a cornuto.
"
"the cotton plant cattily chatters,
spreading rumors (not one of them flatters)
till it makes your head spin.
why? the cotton plant's in
the gossypium genus?that matters!
"
"thanksgiving's the name of this cactus.
the bright flowers are bound to attract us
on this plant from brazil.
the name crab cactus will
never faze us?it just won't impact us.
"
"through the fields i just love to meander.
this morning i noticed dittander.
it's pretty, seductive,
but also destructive.
not slander, that's truth said with candor.
"
"""lassie needs a new doghouse,"" cried tim.
""i will build her one?lime with white trim!""
but his promise? hot air!
lassie still lacks a lair,
and who's now in the doghouse? it's him!
"
"the spine of your book's called  its dorse,
and the latin word dorsum's its source.
i will bet it's a word
that you never have heard?
till you read this darned limerick,  of course.
"
"in old age, mother nature's design
includes dotage. our minds will decline
till a childhood (the second)
will seem to have beckoned.
i really look forward to mine!
"
"in our dotage, our last mental stage,
in some childish pursuits we'll engage.
we'll be dotish; why not?
ask the great walter scott
who declared us so, there on his page.
"
"there is something approaching euphonia
in the name of this snake, denisonia,
but its venomous bite?
to give treatment, one might
need much more than a dab of ammonia.
"
"""here's a word to consider?delphinic.
it applies to a plant,"" said the cynic,
""or the dolphin that swims
(as our language has whims),
or some acid that's used in the clinic.""
"
"sue is downfallen, ravaged, a ruin?
a result of the drugs she's been doin',
and she's had to turn tricks
when in need of a fix.
now she's preggers and ruin' her screwin'.
"
"demyelinating disease?
as examples, doc frequently sees
pml and ms,
cpm, and i guess
certain others less common than these.
"
"herb spoke first, but he stammered and mumbled;
next came vi with her slides that were jumbled;
then stan spoke succinctly.
we heard him distinctly?
his diction so fine, we were humbled.
"
"what's a digitus? well, it's a digit,
like my fingers, with which i may fidget,
but it also may be
just below a bee's knee?
that end segment that carries the widget.
"
"""the word downbear?pray, is it a noun
for a cub that is furry and brown,
or a doll?"" queried herb.
i replied, ""it's a verb,
and to downbear on something, bear down.""
"
"the home of his boss is palatial;
as he enters, his face remains glacial,
though he spies, with one eye,
his new chief's open fly.
my oh my, that sly guy's diplomatial.
"
"let us meet at our greek dionysia;
at these fetes i'll most certainly kiss ya.
orgiastic, dramatic,
fantastic?so attic!
if you cannot attend, dear, i'll miss ya.
"
"for the christians in rome, persecution
underwent bad-to-worse evolution.
thus affirmed diocletian:
""i'll outdo measures decian!""
but he failed to achieve retribution.
"
"of man's disobedience, the cost
was recorded in paradise lost
by the poet john milton.
the moral is built in:
the lord doesn't like to be crossed!
"
"when someone is found doubly wrong,
you won't choose to believe him for long.
you can play a cd
and ask: ""what can this be?""
he'll misjudge both the singer and song.
"
"""it's a dog's life,"" you hear jane complain,
as she toils for material gain.
it would help, one supposes,
if she'd stop and sniff roses,
as it's plain why her life is a pain.
"
"stuff that's dog-eared is  threadbare and worn,
and such furniture sure looks forlorn.
don't waste time being crabby
because something's shabby;
just call it ""antique""?it's reborn.
"
"you may find yourself falling asleep
when you're reading a tome that is deep?
well, that's not a disgrace.
don't lose track of your place;
you can dog-ear the page. it will keep.
"
"my grandson was born in daytona.
his doctors all say he has shown a
disease. they confirm a
severe xeroderma?
the syndrome's de sanctis-cacchione.
"
"we are planning for next summer's fair.
we've a track; jack wants dog racing there.
whether greyhound or whippet,
he'll have to equip it
with a rapid mechanical hare.
"
"""a dodman's a snail, or its shell,
in the dialect,"" nell said so well,
""used in england that's rural,
and dodmen's the plural?
not dodmans, from what i can tell.""
"
"my boyfriend just hasn't a notion
that his steadfast and faithful emotion
is known by a name
that might make him feel shame.
people call it a doglike devotion.
"
"my sweet niece asks a fogy who's groggy:
""what's a dogie, and what is a doggie?""
""one's a calf with no mother;
your pooch is the other.""
""which is which?"" he replies: ""there i'm foggy!""
"
"in the author's note couplet of mine,
twelve syllables make up each line?
each a dodecasyllable.
i imagine it's billable;
per word i get $2.99.
"
"wrenching sob stories, pleading, and such
move my third cousin flo very much.
are you broke? go to flo
with a sad tale of woe.
she's a do-gooder, bro, a soft touch.
"
"while you're sleeping at night, you may dream,
and no matter how odd they may seem,
or how creepy they feel,
dreams seem perfectly real
till you wake yourself up with a scream.
"
"""look at you, brother powell,"" i howled.
""you look draggled. you're wet and befouled,
and you smell like a skunk.
bathe and change, you old monk?
first get showered, then towelled, then cowled.""
"
"the top dog doffed his new balibuntal;
we were poised, face-to-face and confrontal.
said i, squelching my rage,
""if you don't raise our wage,
all the workers you'll quickly disgruntle!""
"
"seems our bank's on the skids and may fail.
""will my money be lost?"" clients wail.
they'll owe savings' endurance
to deposit insurance,
which pays on a mind-bending scale.
"
"when our leader decided to stifle
resistance, he brandished a rifle.
i pulled out my bodkin.
he laughed. ""it's a dodkin?
a meaningless item, a trifle.""
"
"minoans inhabited crete
in the bronze age, and living was sweet.
then a nearby volcano
turned honey to drano;
were they waterlogged down to defeat?
"
"said the guy with the jumbo-sized scrotum:
""i'm in search of a do-all (factotum)
who can clothe me below
so my swelling won't show.
any names to propose? i will note 'em.""
"
"if you swallow a liquid, you drink,
but our language has one little kink:
certain people will use
drink to mean only booze.
is that news? it's quite common, i think.
"
"dostoyevsky was out of control.
heavy gambling had taken its toll,
but the problem abated;
after fyodor dictated
the gambler, his wife saved his soul.
"
"anthropologists know very well
that dentalium's one kind of shell
used in commerce, prolific?
from the northern pacific,
great treasure to trade or to sell.
"
"jack is holding us back; that's a fact.
can we dump him, but do it with tact?
that do-nothingism is
a bad habit of his.
there's no way he'll consider or act.
"
"is she lost? what, again? cousin fern
seems completely unable to learn
how to reach grandma's door.
you go straight up route 4,
then you dog leg?you make a sharp turn.
"
"this word once referred to a priest.
over time, though, its usage decreased.
it means ""stupid"" or ""dense,""
having no common sense,
as a dodipate's dumb as a beast.
"
"a do-little's someone who's lazy.
his concept of ethics is hazy.
he is not paid to shirk,
but when asked to do work,
he says, ""dirty my hands? man, you're crazy!""
"
"at the bar, he's a star?heavy hitter;
smoking pot, he persists, not a quitter.
his addiction reflects
pathologic effects
of his dopamine neurotransmitter.
"
"it's dilatable; anne can expand
my pinched duct with the tool in her hand.
she will widen it, so
i will show increased flow
in the tube coming out of my gland.
"
"do his limericks fill you with glee?
do you giggle, guffaw, and tee-hee?
is he tops in your eyes?
does he win your first prize?
well, his verses do nothing for me!
"
"""eating fava beans? chancy!"" said rick.
""there's a danger you'll really get sick,
turning pale and anoxic
'cause divicine's toxic.
see your doctor, and do it real quick!""
"
"my discretionary income is spent
after paying for food, and for rent,
and for light, and for heat,
then i'll buy me a treat.
with three bucks? that's my present intent.
"
"if you do buy that coat, pay the price
andy's asking. just take my advice.
see? the workmanship's grand;
andy sewed it by hand,
so do right by the guy?treat him nice.
"
"my grandson gives differing versions
of the aim of his midnight excursions:
""to help a sick buddy.""
""to get schoolbooks to study
the wars of the greeks against persians.""
"
"i am sure i shall never forget
that spectacular drum majorette,
at the head of the band,
smart baton in her hand?
sweet as candy, a dandy brunette!
"
"to our dance we are all coming druidish,
painted blue. sue, i hope you're not pruidish.
if you're not in the mood
to let loose in the nude,
don't attend, as to brood would be ruidish.
"
"when we notice a pattern that's loose
and spread out (with whatever excuse),
we may ask, ""has it oozed?
did it spray when diffused?""
but, no matter, we call it diffuse.
"
"dear amtrak, i'm writing again:
i want training to drive your big train.
goodness knows what the use is?
your train of excuses
bring pain. seems my pleas are in vain!
"
"when a business refuses to stay
up to date, using tools of today,
we conclude that it's got
quite a case of dry rot,
as we spot telltale signs of decay.
"
"sid the salesman was out to gyp sy;
shoddy shirts he would try to slip by,
but sy read the shirts' label:
""dry clean??i'm not able
to wash this by hand and drip-dry.""
"
"in my dovecote, i keep all my pigeons,
and i'm teaching them language in smidgens.
i ask: ""how do you woo?""
and each bird answers: ""coo!""
i hope someday to teach them religions.
"
"this chromosome, tex, forms two exes;
it's dicentric, and that's what perplexes.
with two centromeres?specks?
seems that each forms an x
(not the xs that make female sexes).
"
"the druids were priests. there's a view
that they once used to paint themselves blue.
it's a tale that gives fits
to a number of brits
who insist it's a myth and not true.
"
"i'm planning a simple expansion
of my modest dodecastyle mansion.
its twelve columns i mean
to increase to thirteen
(like the stresses in this verse's scansion).
"
"is there anyone tubby can drub
in the boxing ring down at the club?
he's as round as a grape,
and he's so out of shape,
he'd prefer playing darts at  the pub.
"
"said the critic: ""your limericks are drivel?
sentimental incentives to snivel!""
now he's put in his place,
but i'm facing a case
that is criminal, rather than civil.
"
"""my blind date?"" complained nate, sitting limply,
""i'd misheard your one word. stated simply:
i'd hoped for a cutie,
but june was no beauty.
i'd thought you said 'dimply,' not 'pimply'!""
?
""so i made that blind date with your sister.
you implied that the guys can't resist her.
though her face has some dents,
each, a pit, represents
active acne, with many a blister!""
"
"every year several swimmers will drown
in the rip tides that form near our town.
as they swim for the shore,
they're pulled back more and more,
then succumb to fatigue and go down.
"
"dioxybenzone's a substance that one
should apply for a day in the sun.
to keep skin free of cancer,
a sunscreen's the answer
unless, maybe, sunshine you shun.
"
"stevie deever's the son of a weaver.
while his dad's a confirmed busy beaver,
steve's allergic to work.
he'll just dog it, or shirk.
dad declares he's an underachiever.
"
"this machine leaves me full of frustration.
when it's working, i'm feeling elation,
but its dead time is daunting;
it seems to be taunting?
it falters, then goes on vacation.
"
"seems that dopamine's found in the brain
when you register pleasure (or pain).
it's the key to addiction?
that awful affliction:
feel it once, and you'll want it again.
"
"the drum in my ear is an aid
to my hearing, and yet i'm afraid
that the drum i like best
is a snare, fancy-dressed?
it's the gold-plated drum ringo played.
"
"to denegate means ""to deny,""
""to discount,"" ""to resist,"" ""to defy.""
though the word's out-of-date,
and disuse is its fate,
i feel sorry to kiss it goodbye.
"
"""here's dextromethorphan, a drug
that is dangerous,"" officer doug
tells the class. ""so don't buy
some to try to get high.
want to die? wave 'bye-bye,' chug-a-lug!""
"
"at the nightclub, this guy's over-tipping,
most of all, when a dancer is stripping.
hey, he lives on a pension!
how's it done? i should mention:
that he still has his job?double dipping.
"
"to the hoodlum who hijacked my cheese:
in its place i discovered a tease?
an offensive impostor
for my fine double gloucester.
just return the original please.
"
"to divide, pull apart, disunite
is an action that brings no delight.
when i break or destroy,
it provides me no joy.
i feel quite impolite; i'm contrite.
"
"you've a death drive; for dying you strive.
it's an urge you must conquer, to thrive.
if it reaches a peak,
and your life drive is weak,
you'll contrive to expire, not survive.
"
"his instructions to me were emphatic:
""for its safety, you must be fanatic,
so care for this pouch,
for inside it, i vouch,
there are secrets and plans diplomatic.""
"
"with acne conglobata, pus
comes from acne, with this awful plus:
many abscesses?bunches!
you're troubled, my hunch is.
can't blame you for making a fuss.
"
"in her books, annie dillard supplies
observations through capable eyes.
her intelligent writing
is also exciting,
and won her a pulitzer prize.
"
"as i walk through our house, i'm appraising
the windows; they're truly amazing?
stopping noise, saving heat!
what on earth can compete
with technology's feat: double glazing?
"
"""seems that dixieland jazz came from dixie?
the southern u.s.,""  declared trixie.
""but you won't know it better
by sending a letter
to 'dixie, u.s.'?that's a nixie!""
"
"the delphinidae family: cetaceans
that, for sailors, can cause celebrations.
with a dolphin or pilot
whale sighting, they'll smile. it
may prompt some impromptu libations.
"
"i'm happy to work with my right brain,
that illogical, artsy delight-brain.
like old romans, i, terebral,
try to storm, dextrocerebral,
the walls of the left?my uptight brain.
"
"""what's callistephus?"" asked the headmaster.
jack replied, ""it's a plant?china aster!""
but it took him an hour
to remember that flower.
""that's correct, but you ought to think faster!""
"
"disagreement: our lack of accord
means you fight us; you're never on board
with majority rule.
though you may think it cruel,
we'll expel you till order's restored.
"
"sadie ray? lately critics all praise 'er
in the play we show first (curtain raiser).
not a razor for grooming
or a razer for dooming,
it's a dazzling one-acter, a dazer!
"
"if we lose them, pray, what can replace
these rare birds with the beautiful face?
with white feathers that lie
at the edge of each eye?
demoiselle cranes?they're threatened?disgrace!
"
"the plant that is called devil's claw
has a name that might make us withdraw,
but for pain in the back
(a lumbago attack)
it may help. just its name is a flaw.
"
"all my clothing, my grandmother sews,
but she's not very skilled, heaven knows!
she disfigures each garment.
i seek her debarment
from making me any more clothes.
"
"at the pool, where you've gone to begin
special care for disease of the skin,
don't object and don't quibble
if doctor fish nibble
your toes, when you dip your feet in.
"
"using dorp to mean ""village"": a touch
of old europe i like very much.
from the german comes thorp,
but i'd rather say dorp,
which was borrowed, as such, from the dutch.
"
"diminishment speaks of a shrinking,
a lessening, shriveling,  sinking,
falling off, and decreasing,
decline without ceasing
till it all disappears?so i'm thinking.
"
"do you know that the ladies' name, emma?
one not found on my family's stemma?
when preceded by ack,
signaled morning attack,
when slurred orders could cause a dilemma?
"
"the marina guy made this remark
to the boater: ""we close when it's dark.
hey, dat's some noisy mutt;
can't yuh keep its mout' shut?
come ashore wit' dis dog an' disbark.""
"
"now john's gone and i'm seized by downheartedness
as i struggle to cope with our partedness.
what to do? where to go?
without john, i don't know;
seems i'm living a life of unchartedness.
"
"if you busticate something you break it,
on purpose or just by mistake. it
is broken in pieces;
its value decreases
till only the junkman will take it.
"
"from a bulb, in the ceiling recessed,
the downlight gives light i like best.
like a spotlight, its beam
travels downward. i seem
like a porn star while getting undressed.
"
"""due to mold,"" said my liege?he's a dull lord?
""seems my cruller's turned green; it's discoloured,
but to eat it's okay.""
so i started to pray:
""plant some plain common sense in his skull, lord!""
"
"like spotlights, my downlights suggest
i'm a star.  shadows form neath each breast.
i'm a greek aphrodite
as i slip on my nightie.
(i'm a bit self-obsessed, as you've guessed.)
"
"""the music of claude debussy
paints a picture we almost can see
when he writes of the sea
in the fine key of c,""
said the musical program emcee.
"
"in the womb there's a sac that's aquatic
for your fetus. does that sound exotic?
have we fish gills and fins
when gestation begins?
sure...and twins may be diamniotic.
"
"mother's ""do!""/""don't!"" instructions, i find,
nearly drove me right out of my mind.
it's the method she used
so i'd grow up confused.
now my doc says it's called double bind.
"
"delta virus brings delta hepatitis
with hep b in hepatic cells' situs.
your skin turns to yellow;
breath's foul, and not mellow,
but more of a nasty mephitis.
"
"dee has noted some vaginal bleeding,
a symptom she's smart to be heeding.
dee's doctor says he
will perform d and c,
and obtain a pathologist's reading.
"
"""seems this dragonhead's false; you're misled.
physostegia's growing instead.
they have similar features?
the same fearsome creatures
their blossoms resemble,"" ted said.
"
"flynn was living a life full of sin.
though she struggled, he dragged ginnie in.
now his crimes she abets,
and she says: ""no regrets!
sin comes easily, once you begin.""
"
"she has dirtied our dining room floor?
that old cat?and she's done it before!
in the room where we eat
she tracks mud with her feet
from the street. someone please shut the door!
"
"youthful mischief brought howie renown;
he remembers those days with a frown.
when on past sins he broods,
it engenders sad moods.
drag things up and you'll drag howie down!
"
"drop up to my penthouse; please do!
drop around for a visit and you
will be served gourmet food.
if you're not in the mood,
just drop in or drop by for the view.
"
"i have seen with my own naked eye?
this i swear, cross my heart, hope to die?
what? a dragon for real!
come outside; here's the deal:
see? there's draco?way up in the sky.
"
"in chicago, there once was a school
of construction.  with steel, as a rule,
used to build structures high,
they invented the sky-
scraper. thirteen floors? man, that was cool!
"
"yes, draconian's meaning's ""severe,""
and from athens it came?that is clear?
from the lawmaker draco.
he, fierce as a mako,
wrote laws that made everyone fear.
"
"got a stogie? i'll lend you my bic.
this cool lighter will give you a kick.
it is faithful, not fickle;
just click it?a flick'll
light your nickel cigar, slick and quick!
"
"a vowel with marks dieretic
may seem, when in english, synthetic,
but you'd better believe
that a word like na?ve
said ""nie-eev"" and not ""nayv"" sounds poetic.
"
"""i contrasted all evening, comparatively,
all the claras i located narratively.
there were barton and bow?
they're both dead, now i know.
yes, it's so!"" tom asserted, declaratively.
"
"i hoped lee would agree, but he doesn't;
i had thought he'd be sweet, but he wasn't.
i'm feeling so cross
i'd complain to the boss,
but that wouldn't be just, so i mustn't.
"
"the do-it-yourselfer was hoarse
giving orders, but showed no remorse.
""we'll assemble each bit
of this harpsichord kit!""
said his wife: ""hell, i want a divorce!""
"
"actor zack's hyperactive, distractible.
when i asked if my script was enactable,
he cried: ""no! um, well, yes,""
then saw jess, ""let's play chess!""
i conclude that the guy is intractable.
"
"in the army the colonels rank high?
almost generals. often they'll try
to advance to that rank.
if they do, must they thank
skill or politics? both may apply.
"
"what's denominative comes from a noun.
just consider the verb form to crown,
meaning ""make one a queen,""
though it also may mean
""to clobber the head of some clown.""
"
"pronounce it however you please.
it is crowdie, a soft scottish cheese,
best used now?not for storage;
it's also a porridge
to warm you against winter's freeze.
"
"he spoke quickly, with nary a lull,
but his lecture was draggy?so dull!
i should certainly mention
that i paid strict attention,
but he bored me right out of my skull.
"
"june considers the guy a buffoon
whose bad manners befit a baboon.
she's dismissed him, resisting;
he's persistent, insisting
he'll dragoon her?she'll join his commune.
"
"watch the dragman; he'll fish with a net,
which he'll drag on the bottom. i'll bet
that his primary wish is
some sweet-eatin' fishes?
but he hasn't caught any as yet.
"
"our new math teacher, ms. sadie smith,
looks a lot like a monster of myth,
so i said to her, ""sadie,
you're a dragonlike lady,""
and was bashed on the backside forthwith.
"
"are there other cartoonists,  in sooth,
who are brutally true as george booth?
guess his people and pets
are as crude as it gets?
and they're also unduly uncouth.
"
"he's been bad since his days as a kid,
with the backbone, i'd say, of a squid.
he's a guy who denies
his misdeeds, and tells lies.
if he says ""no, i didn't!"" he did.
"
"each election, their party will dominate
every office?whomever they nominate.
seems their slate never fails,
but they choose only males;
it's a practice we women abominate.
"
"why so drably, you ask, is brad dressed?
mother's sick, and the family is stressed.
going shopping dad loathes,
so dad's mom buys the clothes,
and brad's grandma's severely depressed.
"
"my boss made a wild accusation
that filled me with rage and frustration:
""that old wheelchair you motorized?
it wasn't deodorized.
it smells like a loo at penn station!""
"
"""dental calculus: math for the smarter
of dentists?"" inquired doctor carter.
""no, it's found in the plaque
from a microbe attack;
it's the gunk on your teeth that's called tartar.""
"
"for my law case, i've hired a magician
to help with my first deposition.
as they note my replies,
his mesmeric blue eyes
are advising...defiance? contrition?
"
"doggone feds say my taxes are due.
doggone creditors threaten to sue.
doggone salespeople phone?
folks don't leave me alone.
when i'm gone, dawg, those hassles are through.
"
"joe's loaded; he'd be an empowerer
if he didn't grow dourer and dourer.
growing grimness outrages
his friends as he ages.
in stages, the miser grows sourer.
"
"i declare, if you monitor hourly,
he'll be found acting more and more dourly.
at each hourglass turn
he's more stubborn and stern
as he spurns all humanity sourly.
"
"though you'd hope homemade bread would be tasty,
it's a common mistake to be hasty.
give your bread time to rise
or you'll find a surprise:
you'll have bread that is doughy or pasty.
"
"it's the kind i use most, i'm confessing?
this reasoning, often called guessing,
but by some called abductive.
to infer things? instructive.
this method, i stress, has my blessing.
"
"i've gained weight and i'm so out of shape
that i'm now wearing dresses of crepe.
i'm ashamed to divulge
that, to hide every bulge,
a wide swathe of the fabric i drape.
"
"thus i wrote in my paper (annotatory):
""these crystals i find dextrorotatory,
turning clockwise, or right,
my fine polarized light.""
(now i'm off for some downtime that's potatory.)
"
"tony smiled, and his canine teeth showed.
""if you don't pay the money i'm owed,
when you start up your car
it won't go very far.
it will all of a sudden displode.""
"
"though my pug's not a problem-attacker,
offer treats and he's never a slacker.
swim a stream? he will risk it
if i offer him brisket,
but a dog biscuit? not for a cracker!
"
"""your new bra is a strange one, i think.
when your bosoms collide, there's a clink.""
""yes, it sounds like a kettle.
cups die-cast from metal
don't shrink. they are made out of zinc.""
"
"""please tell me what might be disciferous
(bearing disks),"" asked my son, who's pestiferous.
i said, ""music stores?these
have cds, dvds!""
as a tease, so his quest was fructiferous!
"
"this meeting's no use; it's adjournable.
no agreement, i fear, is discernable?
i can find no accord.
this advisory board
must declare no decision's returnable.
"
"when my aide on the job's a beginner,
i'm aware i may not be a winner,
but ms hess made a mess.
you could call it, i guess,
a dog's breakfast or else a dog's dinner.
"
"whatever i do?that, thou doest,
from the straightest of acts to the skewest.
it's a grave fault of thine,
though i know it's a sign
of thy fond admiration?the truest.
"
"since my bank pays my bills (direct debit),
my account has a crater, like thebit.
seems each month i have less,
so i'm fleeing the stress.
here's my future address: debre zebit.
"
"jed knows that the problem's genetic.
toward gout all his clan's diathetic?
so he takes little pills
for preventing these ills,
and stays healthy, pain-free, and athletic.
"
"the dermoblast, smart little cell,
forms deep skin, where the blood vessels dwell.
it won't produce eyes,
or the muscles in thighs,
but the dermis it makes very well.
"
"what's a dog tag? it's hardly arcane?
an id label worn on a chain
by gis, or a tag
on a suitcase or bag,
or a pet collar?useful, mundane.
"
"the neurologist dr. charcot
lived in paris, a long time ago.
he studied neurosis
by using hypnosis,
upending the old status quo.
"
"i applaud cousin maude, who's a bawd;
her disguise as a virgin's a fraud.
though she seems pure as honey,
she hustles for money.
this flawed, tawdry broad has me awed.
"
"jeanie loves to help people, and she
enjoys theater. she's planning to be
a reliever of stress,
using role-play, i guess?
drama therapist, yes, rdt.
"
"in this session, we'll each take  a role;
you may find yourself playing a troll!
drama therapy scenes
are the group leader's means
to solve problems, and healing's his goal.
"
"when something is bogus, it's phony,
like the grifters and pitchmen at coney.
it will make you disgusted;
it just can't be trusted.
it's counterfeit, fake?it's baloney.
"
"it's a ridge bridget showed us with pride.
water flows different ways down each side:
left goes west; right goes east.
when the rainfall's increased,
we give thanks for our drainage divide.
"
"though she isn't a frequent complainer,
jane was pained as she spoke of her drainer:
""sure, the pullet was yummy,
but the draining board's gummy,
and the chicken fat's clogged up my strainer!""
"
"cousin june, accidentally harpooned,
had an abscess that formed in the wound.
said doc payne, as it drained
till no drainage remained:
""that was dangerous pus, june!"" she swooned.
"
"a drain basket sits in your sink.
if you don't clean it out, it will stink.
let some garbage collect,
and you soon, i suspect,
will look elsewhere for something to drink.
"
"i was coughin' and sneezin' and chillin',
feelin' hot?was a virus the villain?
in a voice magisterial,
doc intoned: ""it's bacterial,
and i plan to prescribe doxicillin.""
"
"at my end, when my spirit ascends,
i intend to do well by my friends.
my intention is strong:
if i've done them some wrong,
in my will i'll be making amends.
"
"the kids did a job on joe's boat.
it's so damaged it barely will float,
but they told joe a lie?
did a job on the guy?
and they deftly deceived the old goat.
"
"on a test for biology writers
was: ""who's otto friedrich karl deiters?""
that he'd studied the brain,
i recalled without strain?
without cramming or pulling all-nighters.
"
"use derdoing? this adjective you
may employ to describe derring-do.
the cautious man censures
such daring adventures
when swordplay and mayhem ensue.
"
"a shark has a large dorsal fin.
when we see one approach, we begin
to head quickly for shore,
yelling, ""shark! shark!"" and more,
so that swimmers are warned by the din.
"
"out of style, this poetical tactic
strove to teach through its verses (didactic).
now our textbooks are tomes
that do not contain poems.
verse is personal, moving, climactic.
"
"ken ran downfield?that's toward the defense?
with the ball. the suspense was intense.
then he turned and began
to run upfield. how can
football heroes have no common sense?
"
"diagraphical: word for depictive?
i've found evidence?wholly convictive.
(searching textbooks for words
is a joy for us nerds;
can linguistics, perchance, be addictive?)
"
"""just last month i was healthy, felt fab,
but this week i felt sick, had a jab
from my doc. now he's phoned;
i've got mono,"" joan moaned.
""downey cells have been found by his lab.""
"
"when you've cancer, the world seems chaotic,
and the medicines all seem exotic.
you may take, for lymphoma,
or else for sarcoma,
doxorubicin?antibiotic.
"
"some creatures exist in two forms,
so there isn't just one, but two norms?
that's dimorphism. we're
man and woman. let's cheer?
we've the sexual type. that thought warms.
"
"""what are dragbars?  some gin mills with scenes
that appeal to transvestite marines?""
""no; my tractors, for real,
have these bars made of steel
that attach to my reaping machines.""
"
"on his drafting board, joe found a note
in a feminine hand, and i quote:
""seems you're taking a shot
at designing dad's yacht.
make it hot?then i'll vote for your boat.""
"
"""she's a dragon lady, heartless and ruthless,""
said fred. his description was truthless.
though our teacher seemed strict,
she was easily tricked,
and then licked?like a tiger that's toothless.
"
"we are trying quite hard to select a
hematologist who can detect a
disease in judd's blood
(our gp is a dud)?
erythrogenesis (sigh) imperfecta.
"
"what is dicrotism? that means the beat
of your heart makes two bounces, discrete,
in the pulse at your wrist.
such a pulse, i insist
is a twist that is wonderfully neat!
"
"bea's a gal on her own?that's no flaw.
she is not in the care of her paw,
or a husband, or brother,
or significant other.
her discoverture's there in the law.
"
"an overseas ticket he buys?
one way only?and off the guy flies.
a smart draft dodger's craft
is avoiding the draft,
so he won't be among the gis.
"
"in the drought, when he harvested rye,
simon's yield was so low he could cry.
will this farmer now choose
to drown sorrows in booze,
or will simon refuse, and stay dry?
"
"i'm confused. though the cowboy yelled: ""draw!""
i saw no deck of cards, and no straw,
so i pulled out my pad
and i sketched the mad lad.
then he fired. man, there should be a law!
"
"mrs. dunne ran the firm domineeringly,
expecting the staff to root cheeringly
for their boss, but instead
""you're a tyrant!"" they said,
cursing jeeringly. she answered sneeringly.
"
"auntie min has a great double chin;
neath her jaw hangs a lot of loose skin,
and i find it beguiling
when auntie is smiling?
the rolls of fat double her grin.
"
"with salami i filled my new belly pack,
so i guess i had made it a deli pack.
after riding my bike
and a five-hour hike,
it became what you might call a ""smelly pack.""
"
"""i've decided i must disenthrone
moe, my husband,"" cried joan, with a groan.
""though it's sure to unnerve him,
i'll no longer serve him?
of late, his affairs are well known.""
"
"in his suit against dad, uncle mort
was vindictive and not a good sport,
so my dad counter-sued
and he beat that crude dude?
double damages ruled by the court.
"
"a corneal transplant can be
an event that sets blind people free.
a gift (not a loaner)
from the eye of a donor
to a scarred eye allows it to see.
"
"at the hockey gear factory gate,
i could tell i'd arrived a bit late.
chuck had loaded the pucks
before weighing the trucks,
so we don't know the transport's dead weight.
"
"my research on a bird called the verdin
won a prize (undeserved), and the guerdon
made me feel like a jerk,
as my aide did the work.
(this confession has helped me disburden.)
"
"uncle ed had repaired to his bed
with a terrible pain in his head,
and by noon he was dead?
so the coroner said?
'cause his cerebral artery bled.
"
"here's a word that i find very nice:
it's called doublets if, rolling two dice,
pointing upward one spots
the same number of dots.
now look here; i'm defining it twice.
"
"as they walked neath the trees, mother said,
""note these dropworms; you'll find they're widespread.""
""i'm confused,"" complained harvey.
""see, they're little moth larvae.
each hangs from a branch by a thread.""
"
"when the dog star at dawn would appear,
romans muttered, ""the dog days are here.""
the intense heat of summer
can sure be a bummer.
be of cheer; just relax with a beer.
"
"as i sit scanning proust (i'm a reader),
i hear singing from under the cedar.
are those art songs i hear
in a voice strong and clear?
to find out, i must follow the lieder.
"
"english phrasebooks will certainly tell us:
when you drool over something, you're jealous,
and you're lacking restraint.
your reaction's not faint,
as your envy's unbridled and zealous.
"
"dad's approach to my beau? analytic,
and he spoke like a hard-bitten critic.
""joe is dronish,"" dad said,
""not a worker; instead,
he is indolent, lax, parasitic.""
"
"the drop curtain, back on the stage,
sent the leading man into a rage:
""there is far too much greenery
in that ill-painted scenery,""
cried falstaff. ""that's true,"" said meg page.
?
""my demands for this play are exacting.
the drop cloth should not be attracting
the audience. no!
their attention should go
to my breathtaking, heartbreaking acting.""
"
"leaves as green as an emerald gem?
there's a botany lesson in them.
they are distichous, so
you will find there's a row
on each opposite side of the stem.
"
"when the painter arrived?he's no slouch?
a large drop cloth he threw on the couch
to protect it from splatter.
dad was mad as a hatter.
""but i nap there!"" he cried?what a grouch!
"
"come for tea and i'll make you a drop biscuit.
it's homemade and is never a shop-biscuit.
milky dough means i can
drop it right on the pan.
when it's baked, you'll agree it's a top biscuit.
"
"lee's od'd on a drug?horse, not meth.
heart and breathing are slowed; he's near death.
i'll try doxapram; he
can receive it i.v.
it will stimulate drug-depressed breath.
"
"does the speaker intend to drone on
until half of his listeners have gone,
and the others are dozing?
he's so dull, i'm supposing
his next invitation's withdrawn.
"
"there's a sign on the house that says: please
stay away?but i take out my keys,
and i open the door.
she lies sprawled on the floor;
she's collapsed. i get queasy and freeze.
"
"the kids in the schoolyard all mocked her;
when mamma found out?wow?it shocked her.
it was all over town:
she was naked?waist down.
they found jenny and ken playing doctor.
"
"i have downsized the workforce, inspired
by our losses of money. i've fired
that young airhead in sales
who sat filing her nails,
and the rest of those bimbos you hired.
"
"when prince charles married princess diana,
we sang: ""hallelujah! hosanna!""
but the marriage broke down.
for the heir to the crown
ms. camilla was still top banana.
"
"a honeybee male is a drone bee.
to most, he is quite an unknown bee.
copulation's his fate;
he is born just to mate.
one might say he's an intercourse-prone bee.
"
"the parts of the skull that are dentary
are the start of the tract alimentary,
where food passes beneath
all the upper-jaw teeth,
which were formed when the beast was placentary.
"
"acipenseridae: family of sturgeons;
their eggs' popularity burgeons.
these  hors d'oeuvres?caviar?
are renowned near and far.
they're removed from the bellies of virgins.
"
"dust and splinters?debris in a storm,
from a building collapse?take the form
of a rubble-filled cloud.
i've produced one?i'm proud?
tearing down that enormous old dorm.
"
"this morning the weather is drizzly;
tiny raindrops have made the air mizzly.
a bad hair day, no doubt?
i'll refuse to go out,
as my hairdo gets kinky and frizzly.
"
"to diagnose illness was tough
in years past?without labs it was rough,
and diacrisis, used
when secretions had oozed,
rarely yielded instruction enough.
"
"he's our medico, best on the block.
he's as steady and firm as a rock.
several wars couldn't break him;
just one thing will shake him?
the patient who says: ""what's up, doc?""
"
"it's a job that my family snubs,
but i love taking care of the cubs.
i'm their dauntless den mother.
as groups like no other,
these dens are my favorite clubs.
"
"i believe it is inborn?the tendency
to allow drugs to reach an ascendency
in one's life, an addiction.
it isn't a fiction.
dad and i have the same drug dependency.
"
"lsd is a drug of abuse.
try it once and it just may seduce
you to try it again;
then it's drug abuse when
the problems it spawns are profuse.
"
"to describe my condition i'm loath.
chondrodystrophy stifled the growth
of my bones, so i'm short.
i am sad to report
it affected my arms and legs both.
"
"our school's chess team is split; it's dirempt.
half the kids are unruly, unkempt,
disrespectful, depraved;
half are neat, well-behaved.
reunite them? not worth the attempt.
"
"try a drug; then occasional use
leads to problems (we call that abuse),
then dependence (addiction)?
it feels like constriction?
as if tied 'round your neck there's a noose.
"
"when mom's fingers divaricate, i
know she's fixing to slap me. i fly.
to divaricate's ""spread""?
not prevaricate, jed!
think mom's fingers are telling a lie?
"
"at the altar, while making our vows,
i was shocked when i saw howie drowse.
yes, he seemed to doze off,
so i made a loud cough?
just enough so that lout would arouse.
"
"aunt annette is extremely depressed.
finding treatment that works is her quest.
will she crouch on a couch?
or take pills? well, i vouch
she'll go drugless. she guesses that's best.
"
"in your opera you've offered me some role,
but i fear you'll assign me a dumb role.
it's my maiden recital!
let me play someone vital?
my entrance announced with a drumroll.
"
"what's that mound over there on the ground?
it's a fellow whose sorrows are drowned.
when his fortunes reversed
he developed a thirst
and a quart of rye whiskey he downed.
"
"mort's drum corps has lots of percussion;
as they march, playing drums, they look prussian.
""why not let me play fife?
it would sure add some life!""
asked his wife, but mort scrubbed the discussion.
"
"though he drinks and he smells like a brewery,
joe's an old-fashioned guy?with his druery.
yes, he's gray-haired and portly,
but his dating is courtly.
hear his druery vouch for his truery!
"
"our forests are national treasures.
as clearcutting's one of your pleasures?
felling trees in great number
to sell them for lumber?
to stop you, i'll have to take measures.
"
"since it's poured in a glass, tell me why
this martini you've served is called dry.
if i sip it, i'll bet
that my mouth will get wet.
hell, forget it! here's mud in your eye!
"
"cartoonists' techniques may seem loopy?
take a look at the toon-dog called snoopy.
though he'll dance, free of care,
with his ears in the air,
when he's pensive or sad, they are droopy.
"
"diapensia: genus, we're told,
that has only one species of bold
circumpolar-spread shrub
in the northernmost scrub.
we admire how they thrive in the cold.
"
"in the boat race, she'd yearned to compete,
but she faltered?her loss was complete.
so she dropped by the wayside,
right there at the bayside,
and, beaten, conceded defeat.
"
"""sure, it's hazardous duty!"" sarge cursed?
looked so angry we thought he would burst.
since not one volunteered,
we were forced, it appeared
to draw straws to decide who'd go first.
"
"here's a plan that i proudly espouse:
there's a drawstring on clara's new blouse
that i plan to untie
so her breasts i might spy,
though i know she'll avow i'm a louse.
"
"when i'm broke and ill fortune i curse,
there's a drawstring that makes me feel worse:
when i ask for a loan,
my dear wife gives a groan?
then she tightens the one on her purse.
"
"""a plug of tobacco is chawable,""
said the artist. ""an iceberg is thawable,
but your room's open curtain
shows you're naked?for certain,
both your drapes and your body are drawable.""
"
"you inquire?am i ready to swing?
for a fling? well, there's one little thing,
just one drawback: seems rotten,
but i guess you've forgotten
that you promised to give me a ring.
"
"""no, that bird's neither swooper nor slob.
it eats roadkill. ok; that's its job.
but it's needless to tarry on
the subject of carrion.
just record that its name's also dob!""
"
"when you know that you're safe and secure
and, in future, you're perfectly sure
that you'll never be breadless,
it's then that you're dreadless?
and free to use words so obscure.
"
"a dream team?ideal combination
of talents in smooth operation?
whether athletes or lawyers,
brings joy to employers.
they're models of pure dedication.
"
"our team's dreadlessness?courage and fearlessness?
went for naught; our defeat brought us cheerlessness.
there's no after-game bash,
as the coach stole our cash,
and we're weary, sincerely, of beerlessness.
"
"as the fog came in thicker and soupier,
the sick croupier coughed and got droopier.
as folks bet on roulette,
he would fret?feared he'd get
a worse cough, and become even croupier.
"
"pull the stopper?don't worry; it's proper?
then measure your dose with the dropper.
this little pipette
shouldn't cause a cold sweat.
do you fear you'll be coming a cropper?
"
"drugstore beetles are terrible bugs.
in a shop, they behave just like thugs.
though i can't say they're weevils,
they perform the same evils,
and worse?these vile insects take drugs!
"
"""as i pace the deambulatory
(covered walkway) i wonder,"" said rory.
""should i leave here and wander
'cross the country, out yonder,
just to spice up my boring life story?""
"
"i learned from an actress (my momma)
that a serious play is a drama,
and in south alabama
they never say ""drama.""
they rhyme it with llama or comma.
"
"if your finger's been hit by a ball,
just the sight of it well may appall.
it's got more than a dent;
it's a drop finger, bent.
if you straighten the tip, it will fall.
"
"""your new puppies are cute, but they dribble.
do you feed them inferior kibble?""
""puppies drool?that's their way.
i buy only grade a...
on occasion, grade b, but why quibble?""
"
"my doppelg?nger, as you can see,
is my twin, and the image of me.
so it seems a great shame
that we don't think the same?
in opinion, we never agree.
"
"cried the didine bird: ""brothers! my friends!
i'm afraid soon all dodo life ends.
with our numbers diminished,
is it true that we're finished?""
""on the females,"" one said, ""it depends.""
"
"when a girl sighs and swoons, it seems quaint.
we assume we have witnessed a faint
and approach at our leisure.
we doubt it's a seizure,
and we're sure cataplectic it ain't!
"
"it is part of my everyday chores:
i deliver to offices, stores,
and small businesses?but
as they sometimes are shut,
they have drop boxes next to their doors.
"
"i was trying to find mr. right,
so i went on a cruise; thought i might
meet a guy on the steamboat.
i met a real dreamboat,
a modern adonis?yes, quite!
"
"i'm aware that all music has some beat,
but this drum corps has only a drumbeat.
you're so lacking in tunes
that you sound like buffoons.
ten baboons could invent such a dumb beat!
"
"what's the question? they give you the answer:
""a cohort of blitzen and prancer
and vixen and donder.""
i watch and i ponder
who first will respond: ""who is dancer?""
"
"will shakespeare, folks say, was no fool,
and our beautiful tongue was his tool,
but for me, he could be
off the mark, as when he
wrote down dog-hearted, meaning ""most cruel.""
"
"it's hard to speak out with decisiveness,
as my words cause my party's divisiveness.
unless that's corrected
i won't be elected
(my critics observe with derisiveness).
"
"""doggoned bus driver passed me again,
hasn't paused here since heaven-knows-when!""
i complained. ""he won't halt!""
pop replied, ""it's your fault.
try the bus stop; he'll stop for you then.""
"
"""the word diminute: once it meant 'tiny,'
long ago?like a star, wee and shiny.""
""but that doesn't make sense?
stars are really immense!""
""then the freckle you'll find on my heinie.""
"
"miss kimble is known for her primness,
and her students complain about grimness
in her classes?no fun,
only work to be done,
as she finds students dumb, and hates dimness.
"
"all their wealth's from abusable drugs.
they're called barons and lords, but they're thugs.
do the kids think they're cool?
they are ruthless and cruel;
and their rivals are stamped out like bugs.
"
"museum-bound trips disinhibit
lots of kids, till they see the exhibit
of old punishments: stocks,
executioners' blocks,
racks, and  thumb-screws?oh, yes?and the gibbet.
"
"""i've poured it,"" said maude with a frown,
""as your doctor prescribed. drink it down?
swallow every last drop
so i won't have to mop
all the glop off your hospital gown.""
"
"many landholders named in this book
felt that doomsday had come. they said, ""look,
once our wealth gets recorded,
the king is rewarded.
no change is allowed?that's the hook.""
"
"in our marriage there's now a great wedge:
ted's unfaithful to me, folks allege.
i'll confront him?the beast?
and my screams will, at least,
take the edge off my feelings (disedge).
"
"clogged-up plumbing? it's often a pain,
but i don't let it drive me insane,
'cause on lye i rely?
that's no lie. why not try
using drano to clear out your drain?
"
"they are often depicted as brutes,
but do drill masters bully recruits,
teaching each generation
to march in formation,
and do so in duly shined boots?
"
"here's the story of queenie o'toole,
badly treated by men, as a rule:
seems a billiards shark cheated,
and queenie's defeated,
depleted of cash?dirty pool!
"
"going camping? give thought to your thirst.
safe water for drinking comes first.
though a lake may be boatable,
its water's not potable;
with the trots, or with worse, you'll be cursed.
"
"though his name is a flower, joe rose
has so ugly a face, heaven knows,
and an aspect so gross
that when combat is close,
he sends packing?drives off?all his foes.
"
"it is not in bach's coffee cantata,
and i doubt there's a moonshine sonata.
this song, i am thinking,
is sung while you're drinking,
for example: scene 1, traviata!
"
"""from my builder's high standards, there's slippage.
in my hall, marble flooring shows chippage,
but what's worse,"" bernie mutters,
""is his placing of gutters.
when it rains, from my roof i get drippage.""
"
"for my birthday, this boat was dad's gift.
he said, ""take my advice; don't be miffed.
make precision your goal,
stay in total control,
and don't wander off course. get my drift?""
"
"the emcee is obese?roly-poly?
and he answers his phone wholly drolly:
""no, it's not monty hall
who has picked up your call.
holy moly, it's jolly joe foley!""
"
"it resembles a palm tree at times
and will flourish in tropical climes
(not alaskan or iowan).
i speak of the dioon.
its name, sad to say, has few rhymes.
"
"entertainers, they quip, dance, and sing?
dressed as men, as cross-dressing's their thing.
with the drag kings we smile
while they mimic male style,
as they hip-swing and lip-synch the king.
"
"""what are drag queens?"" i asked all my pals.
""they are guys,"" ventured cal, ""dressed as gals.
each lolita or doxie
is a female-by-proxy.
hals and als thus become sals and vals.""
"
"draft this guy and his life's at its nadir.
""i'm a pacifist?pro-peace crusader.""
he'd declare. ""i won't serve!""
well, the fella's got nerve,
but we call him a draft (tsk!) evader.
"
"my classmates behaved most disrulily
and upset the headmistress undulily,
so she canceled our dance
and our field trip to france.
they regret their rude conduct?yes, trulily.
"
"dram and drachm?these two words i equate.
they are measures of volume and weight.
i must know them to pass
in my pharmacy class,
but in grams i can't keep the dram straight.
"
"might a prophecy, mystic, druidic,
have prevented a death?chappaquiddick?
had ted known of its drift
would he've cancelled the lift,
or believed backing off anorchidic?
"
"""see? the small holly tree's clearly male,
while the large one's a female!"" cries gail.
rex objects; chester checks:
""yes, they're different in sex,
as is seen in the whale, or in quail.""
"
"""i am brooding about joanne dru,""
sighed fitzhugh. sue replied, ""joanne who?""
""she was quite often seen
on the large and small screen,
and made westerns?it's true?quite a few.""
"
"it's a beast, like a horse or a mule,
that through history's been used as a tool
to haul loads. seems this actor
preceded the tractor;
draft animals once were the rule.
"
"though the era would culminate fatefully,
the czar, who had carried on hatefully
(he had acted detestably),
found the peasants, suggestibly,
thought him valiant and cheered for him gratefully.
"
"to drag out the discussion was wrong;
it already had lasted too long.
as we'd no more to learn,
bernie moved to adjourn.
the support for his motion was strong.
"
"so the union elected me drafter
of our contract. they thought me a crafter
of smart words. now i scoff,
'cause the boss paid me off,
and i'm gone?i won't swing from a rafter!
"
"the dnieper's a river that flows
out of russia. through kherson it goes,
as it shows on this map,
so to find it's a snap?
but pronounce the word? dnobody dnows!
"
"a dracaena's a plant that once shed
the blood of a dragon, bright red,
with medicinal power.
the patients would cower
with dread when this med they were fed.
"
"she's a dragon? then say she's draconic
if her nasty behavior is chronic.
if she's fierce and she's mean,
like snow white's evil queen,
it's a statement of fact?not ironic.
"
"many symptoms are diabetogenous,
some endogenous, others exogenous.
though in part it's genetics
that makes diabetics,
the symptoms are mixed, not homogenous.
"
"a drug bust took place on our block.
twenty cops stormed the house, didn't knock.
they found loads of cocaine?
two arrested, one slain?
and they cleaned out the drug pusher's stock.
"
"what's a downlying? time of repose,
when you doze in your bed, and eyes close.
at the downlying's, though,
a description of woe,
as the anguish of childbirth it knows.
"
"playing handball, jack felt a sharp whack
as the ball hit his spine with a crack.
now he's racked with neuralgia
and cramping?dorsalgia?
a whopping great pain in the back.
"
"touring ireland, i felt nature's call,
so i looked for a loo in a mall
in a suburb of dublin.
what i found there was troublin'?
a donnybrook: free-for-all brawl.
"
"lewis carroll, a writer of fame,
once invented a wonderful game.
what we call it today
is a word ladder?hey!?
call it doublets, its earliest name.
"
"dermoptera know how to glide,
branch to branch, tree to tree, far and wide.
these superb flying lemurs
are poets and dreamers,
whose elegance can't be denied.
"
"downy mildew is one kind of mold
that can ruin my fruits, so i'm told.
each tomato or melon
it hits won't be sellin',
and my grapes (in bad shape) can't be sold.
"
"diseasedness, meaning ""morbidity,""
can remit or get worse with rapidity.
you may sicken on sunday,
feel better on monday,
then tuesday show morbid rigidity.
"
"""what's a dowitcher? ask me no more;
just to think of that word is a chore.
rich old ladies are snobby!""
""no, birds are my hobby,
and this one is found near the shore!""
"
"there are adverts i'm planning to mail ya,
hawking gewgaws and paraphernalia.
i'll address it ""down under"";
will it get there, i wonder,
to new zealand and also australia?
"
"what's a drag sheet? sylvester's best guess:
a listing of folks who cross-dress.
but i knew all along
that he'd get it all wrong.
it's a drogue made of canvas?oh, yes!
"
"bend your foot in an upward direction,
toward your knee; that is called dorsiflexion.
what? your foot cannot bend?
you need help, my dear friend.
see your doc for a closer inspection.
"
"on my visit to dan in bhutan,
i declared, ""i'm in need of a can,
as i feel something coming.""
""we've no indoor plumbing,""
said dan. ""use the draughthouse, old man!""
"
"she kept moving around?like a drifter;
sam agreed from that lifestyle he'd lift her,
but her plan is a sham,
and she's pulling a scam.
soon she'll scram; darling pam is a grifter.
"
"mack and jacqui go nuts for dramatics.
they rehearse in garages and attics.
while the family dines
they go over their lines;
it's no wonder they're labeled fanatics.
"
"that old car that they called a two-seater,
in the rear had a third that was sweeter.
in the dickey, we're told,
rides were bumpy but bold,
also cold (much too far from the heater).
"
"when in delaware biff is a rover,
he discovers the capital's dover.
on the tour bus, he sniffs:
""man, i can't find the cliffs.
have they been?can it be?covered over?""
"
"this membrane is called descemet's,
and through it your eyes daily gaze.
it's the layer defining
your cornea's lining;
if it's thickened, you'll see just a haze.
"
"""what's a dragon fish?"" ""two tales unfold:
one's in tropical waters, extolled
for its form"" ?thus beck reckoned.
""antarctic, the second,
is specially suited for cold.""
"
"these two words cause my temper to spark:
for a ride in my car i embark.
on the parkway i drive,
up until i arrive,
but when there on the driveway i park.
"
"of her prowess with words maggie's braggin':
""what's dracontine belongs to a dragon,
from its rage when it seethes
and the flames that it breathes,
to the tail that it flails?it's not waggin'!""
"
"mart's theology tilts theodotianally
as he pushes his theories promotionally.
he preaches, to please us,
a human-born jesus,
and we're reached by his speeches devotionally.
"
"to martin, theology matters;
about doctrine he frequently chatters.
his prayers ring devotionally
as he asks god emotionally
for guidance, while incense he scatters.
"
"manny works as a janitor, drudgingly.
up and down stairs all day he goes trudgingly,
gets low pay and no title?
but his functions are vital,
so avoid looking down on him judgingly.
"
"this acid displays dibasicity.
two h ions don't mean duplicity.
each of them's spaced
to be neatly replaced,
forming salts with a double felicity.
"
"morey, asked to report his work orally,
is approaching his task dilatorily.
he delayed getting started;
his effort's half-hearted.
it seems that he's working cursorily.
"
"a convenience that hank highly ranks:
drive-up windows in neighborhood banks.
it's less trouble by far
to remain in his car
while the teller gives service and thanks.
"
"there's the dot and the bam and the crack
on  mah-jongg tiles displayed on a rack.
though they're small and they're hard,
each is used like a card?
but you won't find a king, queen, or jack.
"
"every time a chaucerian wench
who was seeking her thirsting to quench
tumbled into in a pond,
master geoffrey was fond
of predicting: ""the maiden will drenche.""
"
"i thought i'd be able to sawder
(when she bought a new dress) my dear daughter,
 but i looked at the frock
and then sputtered with shock
at her diving dress, made for deep water.
"
"when the ne'er-do-well idler?a bencher?
stole the meat she had placed on the trencher,
pam was mad as a hatter.
""the steak on that platter
should shatter?god willing?his denture!""
"
"he's a droog, a delinquent, a hood.
all the teachers in school say he should
be arrested and jailed.
they admit that they've failed,
but they're sure that the kid's just no good.
"
"if you're old, and you live on a pension,
and your prostate's grown large, there's retention
of urine. to pee
would be nice, you'll agree.
try cardura?it works, i should mention.
"
"you look draggled?you're limp and you're soiled,
and your lovely new outfit is spoiled.
you'd been neat as a pin.
did the cat drag you in?
or with gin are you overly oiled?
"
"from whence cometh this term is unknown,
but dog bee's a name for a drone.
while all workers are female,
this indolent bee-male
is idle till bride flights are flown.
"
"distinguishable wording is readable;
on this gravestone, the message is heedable:
""balanced diet's the key!
live till ninety, like me
(though past eighty, you may not be breedable).""
"
"""let's dilaniate ted; let us tear
him apart,"" said the huge grizzly bear
to its nephews and nieces.
""we'll rip him to pieces,
then share them back home in the lair.""
"
"""in our ovaries' structure,"" said meg,
""cells are nested around every egg.
it's the cumulus oophorus;
it works like a coif for us,
surrounding each egg like a keg.""
"
"i have loved you, lenore, and what's more,
i endorsed the chador that you wore.
but this ardor, not dormant,
has brought naught but torment
since you showed me the door in lahore.
"
"when i draw up my horse on the hill,
i can draw up our troops, set to kill.
but perhaps in this battle
we'll be slaughtered like cattle.
maybe first i should draw up my will.
"
"ray's play is a dramatization
of the crimes of a large corporation.
though this scathing creation
won a standing ovation,
it's closed, due to (yup!) litigation.
"
"a drayman hauls goods in his dray,
back and forth, back and forth, every day,
as he drives with his loads
over highways and roads,
working hard, i would say, for his pay.
"
"the speaker had asked a large fee
though his talk was decidedly dree,
so i raised up my medius
and declared, ""sir, you're tedious;
let's agree that your speech was for free.""
"
"to give her sick stallion a drench,
jenny wrestled him into a trench.
though her shoulder was wrenched,
seems her horse was well drenched,
and her friends all said, ""jen, you're a mensch!""
"
"my friend ben, a perennial wencher,
took a gal for a camping adventure
that he'll never forget.
she said, ""pet, you're all wet.
we'd no tent in that rainstorm?a drencher!""
"
"a farmer will sometimes haul hay
in a cart that is known as a dray,
which is strong, but it's sideless.
to keep his load slideless
he ties it; it won't slip away.
"
"i am practicing scales, as you see,
to perfect certain notes?the first three?
but i'm clean out of cash,
so i'm singing with pash:
dare you lend me some spare do-re-mi?
"
"""this drawtube works smoothly,"" said mother.
""one tube slides inside of another
of larger diameter?
the latter parameter
casts the outer as, well, the big brother.""
"
"when you're dreaming up plans you concoct
something dumb. sure the tower is locked,
but that rope idea's nuts.
get a ladder, you klutz,
and then carry me down. are you shocked?
"
"of our contract, jack raft was the drafter.
when we read it, we broke into laughter.
did jack think we were jerks
who would work without perks?
no one trusted that bastard thereafter.
"
"""sy's life story i find dramatizable,""
said the writer. ""his fortune was sizable,
gained by fleecing his prey.
it would make a great play,
but his gang says the job's not advisable.""
"
"the field mouse draws off, moves away,
when it thinks it is apt to be prey.
it will quickly withdraw
when it sees the cat's claw,
to survive for another fine day.
"
"when the doctor has finished his spiel, ya
might doubt what you're hearing is real. ya
might ask, mid your moans,
""did you say 'doubled bones
in his limb'?"" yes, the kid's got dimelia.
"
"mike's nursery says on its sign:
we sell fine garden trees. here's mike's line?
""douglas-fir's dandy, sir,
though it's not a true fir,
and it's also called oregon pine!""
"
"western trees are his home?where he breeds?
and on conifer seeds the beast feeds.
my present referral
is to douglas's squirrel.
as the trees meet his needs, he succeeds.
"
"mother dreamed i would work as a nurse,
but for me that idea was a curse.
i bake cakes and wait tables,
rate brakes and paint cables,
crate snakes?occupations diverse.
"
"farmer pat made a bundle, and that'll
explain why he owns so much chattel.
in dry lots confined
are his livestock, inclined
to eat feed; there he fattens his cattle.
"
"she returned from the fishing trip poutlessly,
though bad luck made it certain that, doubtlessly
(to be honest and candid),
she'd arrived empty-handed
from a jaunt that had ended up troutlessly.
"
"what is dowral? the wealth in your dowry.
don't expend it on gowns, gilt and flowery,
as its aim is best served
when the cash is reserved
for a day that is rainy or showery.
"
"who's a vampire who drank women's blood
and made movie fans sweat in a flood?
why, lugosi's count dracula.
the film was spectacula?
any knockoff, by contrast, a dud.
"
"kirk's great diligency, shown in his work,
makes him right for your job as a clerk.
he's extremely industrious.
reputation? illustrious
(though at times the boy does go berserk).
"
"belle sells dress goods?the fabrics for dresses.
""some are shoddily made,"" she confesses,
""but this silk for your gown
is superb, rates a crown!""
(belle expresses herself in excesses.)
"
"freshman chester, in class, likes to pester.
he's a drollist, a joker, a jester.
but our prof's not amused,
and he's flatly refused
to let chester complete the semester.
"
"though her dad was a struggling dirt farmer,
gert's a city gal now, and a charmer.
though she's no longer poor,
she's still modest, demure,
with her back-country speech?a disarmer.
"
"as a kid, when i felt in a bind,
there's some fanciful aid i would find
from the tec bulldog drummond.
in my mind he was summoned
to give help of a fictional kind.
"
"in this mound of black dirt, odoriferous,
you claim to detect an astriferous
collection of gems.
our professor condemns
your conclusion. it's not diamondiferous.
"
"the yacht had been bought by a banker.
it was big, he surmised, as a tanker.
it seemed seaworthy though,
and he guessed it would go
wheresoever he chose to drop anchor.
"
"our son bought a beat-up jalopy;
it's rusted and busted and sloppy.
though it isn't quite drivable,
he hopes it's revivable
with money from mommy and poppy.
"
"i have trouble in falling asleep,
and the prices of pills are so steep!
to drift off takes me hours
of directing my powers
to the counting of sheep?but it's cheap.
"
"the message was hard to receive. oh,
our leader had died. how we'd grieve, oh!
though we can't bring him back,
here's a deeply carved plaque?
a remembrance in demi-rilievo.
"
"my son has down's syndrome, and so
he requires extra help, but i know
he enjoys every day
of his life. teachers say
of my joe: ""though he's slow, watch him grow!""
"
"at fifteen, the boy jeremy  fits
a teen stereotype. he admits
representing the essence
of male adolescence.
he stars in the comic strip zits.
"
"at departure they charged us a tax,
but collection procedures were lax
and they never got paid.
as we sipped lemonade
in tahiti, they sent us a fax.
"
"here's a plant that we call downy chess,
but the term may confuse or distress,
'cause its odd-sounding name
makes it sound like a game.
it's an annual grass, i'll confess.
"
"when the serpent told falsehoods to eve,
she was trusting and quick to believe.
although maybe not sloe-eyed,
i'd guess she was doe-eyed?
both large-eyed and very naive.
"
"playing dodge ball, young kit had a fit.
""this game is too rough, and i quit!""
the kid bawled, ""i'm too small
for this walloping ball.
i admit i'm afraid to get hit!""
"
"""you're a trickster, a joker, a chaus.
all the housekeeping's left to my spouse.
how dare you disparage
my partner in marriage?
bug off, you vile rodent?you louse!""
"
"my story has mostly been told;
at aetat 85 i am old,
too mature to go cattin'.
so say it in latin?
it still leaves my blood running cold.
"
"i'm a boy of eighteen, so you see
that the draft board is looking for me.
i'll be given a gun
and forbidden to run?
cannon fodder is what i will be.
"
"the pain in my thigh is surreal.
my infection is diaphyseal:
in the shaft of my bone.
there an abscess has grown.
to remove it, as treatment? ideal.
"
"when my grandfather choked on a lentil,
his passing was ruled accidental.
i was paid with solemnity?
double indemnity.
insurers are so sentimental!
"
"a courageous young mezzo from java
sang carmen?her voice hot as lava?
as a temptress from hell.
we were under her spell.
as the last curtain fell, we yelled: ""brava!""
"
"we play draughts when in britain we're trekkers,
so a draughtboard is used to play checkers.
is canada's game
called the very same name?
then the draughtboard is used by quebeckers.
"
"""these designs have excessive adorableness.
for my quarters i favor ignorableness,
with decor that is plain.
in the main,"" explained jane,
""they're just more of this artist's deplorableness.""
"
"the word drevil means ""nincompoop, fool,""
and means ""drivel"" as well.  as a rule,
writing language that's civil,
i use  nonsense for drivel,
since drivel can also mean ""drool.""
"
"the sensation was dreamlike, so eerie;
though i dozed, i felt frightened and leery.
then i dreamed of ice cream
and my consciousness stream
turned from fearful and tearful to cheery.
"
"this reporter's a dumb, mixed-up scribbler.
try to edit his work? he's a quibbler.
when he covered the sport
on a basketball court,
he wrote: ""gibbs needs a bib; he's a dribbler!""
"
"the actress elena verdugo
kept a pet flying lemur (colugo).
she took her sweet lemur
for rides on her beemer.
on such elegant motorbikes, few go.
"
"don giovanni (he's opera's don juan)
is the king of the sexual con.
although most girls are willing,
there's raping and killing;
by the end, down to hell the don's gone.
"
"deedee cheats on exams; she's a cribber.
when suspected, she lies; she's a fibber.
and i'm chilled to the marrow
when she lifts bow and arrow,
as she's one who shoots badly?a dribber.
"
"the snowfall last evening was nifty,
and we still like to ski, though we're fifty.
still, i doubt we'll be seeing
much cross-country skiing;
the snow is too wind-blown and drifty.
"
"the young surgeon required supervision:
""kindly draw back the sides; this incision
isn't wide enough, jack,""
said the prof?then drew back
from the patient, avoiding collision.
"
"i ask what wood the frame of my harp is.
martha says: ""it's from dipterocarpus.""
she's a botany student
whose answers are prudent.
i'm surprised the young coed so sharp is.
"
"let us join in a great common cause,
draw together to fight biased laws.
if we gather our forces
and labor like horses,
we can fix all society's flaws.
"
"when the drawbridge is up, there's no way
to the mainland by car, so we stay
on our island retreat,
or, defying defeat,
we go boating and sail cross the bay.
"
"a psychiatrist studied the case.
""the mad bomber will show us his face,""
said consultant james brussel.
using brains and not muscle,
he helped police narrow the chase.
"
"piper sonya from southern estonia
could no longer inflate her zampogna.
she coughed and had fever;
we had to believe 'er.
the doctor said: ""double pneumonia!""
"
"you arrive here at work black and blue.
has your husband been battering you?
do you suffer in silence
domestic (ugh!) violence?
get help; life will change if you do.
"
"""to that getup we all react gaggingly.
your mom's gown doesn't fit; it droops saggingly.
it's a sight to annoy?
such a dress on a boy!""
""but i like wearing gowns,"" tom said draggingly.
"
"as i've found dry rot plaguing my yacht,
i am calling for help on the spot.
it is caused by a fungus
that's common among us;
i'm stuck with it, like it or not.
"
"this discussion?before we begin,
there's a guy i would like to draw in.
if we get him involved,
all our problems are solved,
and, no skin off our noses, we'll win.
"
"there is doggy do here on the street,
and it gets on pedestrians' feet
'cause the dog-owners won't
teach their pets ""doggy don't!""
or scoop poop so the sidewalks are neat.
"
"my reading of oedipus rex is:
jocasta, to whom his cathexis
attached, got the worst
in this tale of the cursed?
'cause it's sexist, i guess, just like sex is.
"
"the conenose? this bug's an assassin.
in tropical zones, it's harassin'.
how so? well, just listen?
in somethin' like kissin'
a dreadful affliction it's passin'.
"
"dromatherium lived long ago.
it's the oldest of mammals we know
from way back in the day
in the south u.s.a.;
it's extinct?that's its sad tale of woe.
"
"let us hail this great leader, charles dow,
a fine journalist, all would allow.
though he's now only bones,
once he founded dow jones.
he was better than average, and how!
"
"our new prof, self-assured and aloof,
finds it hard to admit he might goof,
but he said don quixote
was by truman capote.
here's a book that contains the disproof!
"
"you'll be passing thor's house about four;
you can drop off his order; what's more,
as he's sick with a cough,
and may snooze (that's drop off),
use the drop-off that's next to his door.
"
"here's the drumstick tree. could it be true
it yields foods, and medicinals too?
yes, its leaves are nutritious,
pods and seeds are delicious,
and its sap makes a dye that is blue.
"
"my step-daughter visited quarterly.
she seemed sober, obliging, and daughterly,
so i thought she was tops
till i learned that the cops
picked her up as a drunk-and-disorderly.
"
"we've disposed of this matter. that settles
the price of these blooms made of metals.
now go and dispose of
those roses you've rows of?
yes, those of the glossy gold petals.
"
"""when buying a goat or a coat
in japan, touring yanks should take note
of the price of it, then
(written 'bucks over yen')
the exchange rate,"" said ken, ""direct quote!""
"
"keeping books i was one of the pros,
and an excellent system i chose.
for the funds of the gentry
i used double entry,
which shows money flows?comes and goes.
"
"""i work signals on railroads,"" brags tex.
""double crossovers, shaped like an x,
couple parallel tracks?
now sit back and relax,
and we'll couple as well."" (tex seeks sex.)
"
"i'm writing my graduate thesis
on an odd kind of craving?dipsesis?
for unusual drink.
i'm researching a link
to the levels of zinc in the rhesus.
"
"joe's white robe looks so sheik-ish and saudi-ish,
we see desert and sun, though it's cloudy-ish.
as our party's tomorrow, it
seemed clever to borrow it,
but on me the attire just looks dowdyish.
"
"this anatomy book shows a stag
with a sac near the tail that he'll wag.
there his dowcets reside,
neatly packed, side-by-side?
two fine testes ensconced in a bag.
"
"when baking his bread, brad's a showerer
of my kitchen with flour. i'm sourer,
and he just gets my spleen up,
saying, ""now i will clean up...""
what he means: ""i'm a master deflourer!""
"
"when i go through a night that is dreamless,
though i find the experience themeless
(no fiend-laden dream
makes me wake with a scream),
i get eight hours of sleep that is seamless.
"
"my garden's grown over with weeds.
i'm amazed at how fast each plant breeds.
one with dirty white flowers
called chafeweed has powers
to spread, at all hours, its seeds.
"
"you really should have no objections;
my airplane has passed all inspections.
see my new double-prop?
its propellers, non-stop,
spin in opposite (right, left) directions.
"
"i enjoy children's games very much;
i've been studying jump-ropes and such.
when kids double the rope,
it is harder to cope?
only experts perform double dutch.
"
"i've a duty that's moral, deontic,
that before i'm completely gerontic
i'll do fifty good deeds.
if my project succeeds,
i'll avoid that hot stream phlegethontic.
"
"paw was angry?emotions were raw.
""this guy's ego,"" he cried, ""?the last straw!
built his house on a plot
of prime land that i bought
de jure?according to law!""
"
"inflammation in limbs and bursitis?
try diflunisal, good for arthritis.
it brings help to your joint,
but it may disappoint.
long-term usage may lead to gastritis.
"
"first she said she was god, full of vanity:
""i created the earth and humanity!""
then she said, ""i'm meg ryan,""
then the nemean lion,
now a manatee?pure disensanity!
"
"dryland berries bear fruits that are sweet,
and for breakfast or lunch they're a treat.
in a muffin or pie,
or whatever you try,
you will find them a pleasure to eat.
"
"raising crops where there isn't much rain?
on a steppe or american plain?
can be hard, or alarming.
but now dryland farming
replaces the pain with fresh grain.
"
"mccone is the ill-disposed owner
of this shack. when i asked, ""be a donor
of alms for the poor!""
he snarled, ""no!"" now i'm sure
he's dissocial. mccone is a loner.
"
"a drug dealer lives on my block,
selling dangerous dope round the clock.
to the cops in our town,
i say: ""close the guy down!
it's unlikely he'll run out of stock.""
"
"a drug user isn't a fellow
whose prescription for pills, pink or yellow,
is used as directed.
he's a guy who's affected
by street drugs, consumed to get mellow.
"
"a struggling young actor from tripoli
at auditions read speeches too drippily.
while he strove to seem hawkish,
he was maudlin and mawkish,
and was often dismissed rather snippily.
"
"the director complained of zack's drippiness.
zack responded with offhanded quippiness:
""i was born to the stage!""
this engendered a rage,
and zack's contract's now subject to rippiness.
"
"""the cloth for my costume's not rough,
but i ask?is it fluffy enough?""
""well, the fabric's not clownlike?
you're a cloud, so it's downlike,
as soft as a feathery puff!""
"
"i am seeking a word or expression
to denote someone's loss of possession.
divestment will serve,
as i haven't the nerve
for divestiture?that's my confession.
"
"kill a deer with your spear? there's no doubt
you should butcher it?dress the beast out.
just remove the buck's skin,
then the organs within.
cut the carcass from tail-end to snout!
"
"this dreikanter, found on the strand,
has been shaped by the wind, blowing sand,
so it now has three faces,
as in similar cases
do boulders. ain't mom nature grand?
"
"as a night owl, through downtown i prowl.
once i stopped at a bistro so foul
that i soon was alert
to its dregginess. dirt
made me skip my dessert?with a scowl.
"
"we proceeded, our spines stiff as starch,
and the band played a solemn dead march,
as we followed the coffin;
we'd done it so often,
i knew every maple and larch.
"
"""teacher says they've found water on mars.
is there life there?"" asked third-grader lars.
""i am doubtful; i question,""
i said, ""your suggestion
that they play mars guitars and drive cars.""
"
"your expense request, bess, is a mess;
total spent?that is all you express.
though you fuss and obstreperate,
you must learn to separate
(disaggregate) spending?oh yes!
"
"""my wife's long and sad diegesis
began with her final cyesis.
while pregnant,"" he said,
""sally wetted the bed.
now it's chronic?the dread enuresis.""
"
"disaffiliate, billy, detach
from that gang that the cops soon will catch.
they'll be hauled into court,
and the press will report
they've been sentenced and jailed with dispatch.
"
"you're a coward, afflicted with fright.
you avoid every conflict or fight.
should a donnybrook start,
you are apt to depart,
or lie doggo (remain out of sight).
"
"let's hear mozart's divine divertimento?
with movements both presto and lento.
this piece is so gay
we still play it today,
though its musical style's settecento.
"
"my m.d. finished treatment, and he
wrote a medical order: ""d/c
radiation."" i wondered
if my doc merely blundered,
or in washington soon i would be.
"
"my four-year-old grandson makes ""boats""
out of anything, really, that floats?
like my sponge, caps from jars,
tubes from grandpa's cigars?
and we call them his ""ships"" (double quotes).
"
"folks use dog sleds to ride over snows
in alaska. they're fast, goodness knows!
they are also called sleighs,
and to race them's a craze:
up to nome the iditarod goes.
"
"a coed of normal fertility,
i'm seeking determinability
of who fathered my baby.
the quarterback, maybe?
the child shows prodigious virility.
"
"harvey harbored a grievous hamartia.
it began when he killed a young ardea
in pursuit of a quest;
he examined its chest
for a right-handed heart?dextrocardia.
"
"he eluded detectives for years
planting  bombs?for revenge, it appears.
the mad bomber, metesky,
was more than just pesky?
fomenting manhattanites' fears.
"
"a drive screw is useful to prove
you can join things effectively. you've
got the tools to begin:
yes, the screw's hammered in.
use a screwdriver, then, to remove.
"
"though society's governed by laws,
written law's insufficient, because
there are times legislation
needs clarification.
then case law makes up for its flaws.
"
"here's a ballad in tribute to drilling mud:
very few of us find it a thrilling mud,
but when drill bits get hot,
down the well this stuff's shot?
it's a chilling as well as a filling mud.
"
"piggies' tails are those cute little coilers
on porkers (the ends that are soilers),
while a pigtail's the braid
on a girl in third grade?
dipped in inkwells by boys who are spoilers.
"
"at the drill site, i feel like a mole.
it's the place that i'm drilling a hole
through the rock and the soil,
but before i strike oil,
i'll reach china, or else the north pole.
"
"a prospector's life may be thrilling.
in dreams he hits oil?out it's spilling.
if he's daring and plucky,
and his drilling is lucky,
he'll be wealthy as hell?make a killing.
"
"my new sailboat's a bargain, a steal,
and it's got a retractable keel
to prevent leeward drift.
man, that drop keel's a gift;
shallow waters will now have appeal.
"
"i had knitted a fine handmade sweater
to display jay's new basketball letter,
but my nephew?the twit?
bought a cheap double knit.
""with more needles,"" he said, ""it's made better.""
"
"i make gowns and i feel double-crossed;
i'm appalled by the money i've lost.
for my fabrics and staff
outlays rise?off the graph?
and they add to my high direct cost.
"
"to remove what's not wanted: a chore
we find boring and sometimes deplore.
but when waste is removed,
what is left is improved,
and we then can deliver dressed ore.
"
"my uncle claims powers fatidical,
and swears that their source is druidical,
as in college he dwelt
with a genuine celt.
my opinion? his claims are falsidical.
"
"mike's differentness means he's unlike
all the rest of his workmates on strike.
while they marched round and round
yelling slogans, they found
michael singing and riding his bike.
"
"when a newborn's found dead, does it faze ya
that the coroner tries docimasia?
it was stillborn, he thinks,
if in water it sinks?
never breathed, never reached a eucrasia
"
"in college i learned apl,
a language they told me was swell.
much time i'd devote
to the programs i wrote;
now those efforts have all gone to hell.
"
"i assumed 'twas the district he meant
(of columbia), thus i'd be sent
from my home here in commack
to the river potomac,
so i packed my pajamas and went.
"
"laurie morse always works like a horse.
for our team, she's the prime driving force,
with her pep talks and nagging
when spirits are flagging.
we've made her our captain, of course.
"
"when i open the door, there's a man
who insists he was sent by mccann
to deliver my car,
and he's driven it far.
he explains it's a driveaway plan.
"
"my domicile went up in smoke
in the night, and it wasn't a joke.
a brunette when my head
hit the pillow in bed,
i'd become an ash blonde when i woke.
"
"so essential, each heartbeat deserves
regulation of muscles and nerves
to control conductivity.
we call such proclivity
dromotropic?this function it serves.
"
"i lift weights; i work out hard and long.
i've learned judo to keep myself strong.
any gang who'd attack,
i myself could drive back,
but i'd never strike first. man, that's wrong!
"
"a dragger's a boat that's a trawler,
but it also means something much smaller,
like the dragger who schlepps
bags of garbage down steps?
he's a tugger, a lugger, a hauler.
"
"a drug holiday's not what you'd think.
and it's not that you're told by your shrink:
""all next week take these pills
that are blue for your ills.
that's in place of your usual pink.""
"
"the star of our featured ballet
is a tragic camille, critics say.
she plays the role dreamfully?
naively, not schemefully?
like a sleepwalker: fey, not risqu?.
"
"sheila entered the ballroom so dreamingly
that she scarce touched the floor. it was seemingly
the arrival supreme.
though some thought it extreme,
seems she winked at the public, redeemingly.
"
"his novel's diffuse and not themeful,
and it's fantasy-laden?it's dreamful.
we can't shun what he's done
(he's the publisher's son);
hire some editors; get me a teamful!
"
"who's that skinny old man, the buffoon
whose physique's like an aging baboon?
though his skin may be vesicated,
it's withered and desiccated?
dried-out like a ten-year-old prune.
"
"in london, it gave me a jolt
when i witnessed a minor revolt:
seems some blokes called a bobby:
""you thick-headed dobby!""
in england, that means ""you're a dolt!""
"
"on my way to admire a mimosa,
i bumped an aralia spinosa
(devil's walking stick). spiny,
it tore up my heinie;
it scratched both my skin and mucosa.
"
"dryobalanops: tree from malaysia.
its hardness will truly amaze ya.
i've imported a number?
they're excellent lumber
and used to build houses in asia.
"
"diphasic means ""having two phases,""
like an ember that smolders, then blazes.
the psychoses? some do
have phase one and phase two,
like bipolar, with doldrums and crazes.
"
"it began with a few swollen glands;
now there's swelling in both of my hands,
which have gotten so dropsical
i dropped my last popsicle.
now my hands can't meet nature's demands.
"
"ben is seen in a shop along cropsey
(yes, the avenue) looking so topsy-
(yes, turvy). eczema
caused massive edema?
he's lopsided due to his dropsy.
"
"with dropsicalness, ray is inflated,
and the swelling has hardly abated
through attempted repair
by his medical care.
with edema he's weighted, dilated.
"
"genus drechslera: yes, pathogenic,
these fungi make grass leaves asthenic,
causing leaf spot disease
that will surely displease
those whose bluegrass, last year, was  edenic.
"
"what is spread via droplet infection?
of diseases, a motley collection:
flu, tb, and bronchitis,
rhinitis, pleuritis?
no injection gives perfect protection!
"
"a dramaturge helps select plays
that perhaps will give rise to a craze
for a theater or troupe?
any play-giving group.
when his counsel's insightful, it pays.
"
"dad teases me jestingly, jokingly,
though (in humor that's pointed) quite pokingly.
while he says these things drollingly,
they're directed controllingly.
i react with a chuckle?well?chokingly.
"
"""is a driving belt something to wear
when you drive to the fair?"" queried claire.
""it moves power between
motor?yes?and machine,""
i declared. she replied, ""i don't care!""
"
"when a woman shows traits of a man,
and her hormones are normal, this can
be a complex that's named
for diana, the famed
roman goddess who hunted with pan.
"
"about boating i'm eager to learn.
when you dress ship, your major concern
is to fly on your craft
lots of flags fore to aft?
lines of banners that run bow to stern.
"
"you've been fishing, i guess, as i smell a
rotting fish?i suppose a doncella.
though lovely as roses,
it soon decomposes.
it's a ladyfish too (or her fella).
"
"mamie's life seems to lack any aim,
as she seeks neither fame nor acclaim.
teachers say that she's driftless,
directionless, shiftless.
mom explains: ""she's a lame, dizzy dame!""
"
"dreadnought was cloth made of wool,
that was used to sew jackets, cut full,
or the garment itself
that you'd take off the shelf,
stick your arms in, and give it a pull.
"
"a baby was left on my doorstep;
the adoption procedure is four-step.
although left at my door,
she is homeless no more.
she'll be mine after just this one more step.
"
"i'm a flatfish. i'm called dover sole,
and i'm odd-looking. folks say i'm droll,
but do not call me common;
among fish, i'm a brahmin?
just saut? me if flavor's your goal.
"
"accidentally punched in the spleen,
jeannie screamed: ""dirty dog!"" that was mean,
as my paw's playful poke
was a gay canine joke.
i'm a dog, but not dirty?i'm clean!
"
"when i'm meting out grain, i complain
that both bushels and pecks give me pain.
though these baffling dry measures
to some may seem treasures,
cubic meters are less of a strain.
"
"when my grades drop away, they get worse,
and my poor wounded ego i nurse.
at the edge of a bay,
when the sand drops away
'neath our feet?then the outcome's adverse.
"
"a downrigger often is able
to capture some fish for our table.
that is why i'm extolling
this method of trolling,
involving a strong weighted cable.
"
"""a radiosonde's,"" cried calhoon,
""what we use on our weather balloon,
but there's little dispute,
when it's dropped with a chute,
it's a dropsonde?and also a boon.""
"
"my husband would give me no peace
till i bought him a pint of cassis,
but i knew what would follow:
consumed in one swallow!
then he grinned and flew south with the geese.
"
"my kids are not geniuses; they'll
not learn commerce at harvard or yale,
but our town's business college
will give them the knowledge
to make money and stay out of jail.
"
"my brother-in-law is a jerk
and has many a language-based quirk.
""while a circ. is a circuit,""
he said with a smirk, ""it
does not mean 'an ad'?that's a circ!""
"
"his deceptively humble ambiente
impressed the new york cognoscenti.
he talked sweeter than fonzie
while working his ponzi.
his deceptive advice cost me plenty!
"
"""in these vitamin jars that you sell,
does that sweetener included taste swell?""
""that's not sugar you're buying;
it's an agent for drying.
it's a packet of silica gel!""
"
"when you're dining at gabe's dinner table,
i am sure, as you sup, you'll be able
to tell fiction from fact.
he will be inexact?
brag it's made of pure gold. that's a fable.
"
"brobdingnagian? here's the word's drift:
so gigantic it's too big to lift.
it's a word that's survived
since it first was derived
from a novel by jonathan swift.
"
"i'm not sure how to say this, it's true.
i had guessed that this plant's called dhamnoo,
because dhamnoo seemed drastic
for wood that's elastic?
but it seems that the latter will do.
"
"the change in mel's lifestyle was drastic
when he entered an order monastic.
in a dorter's his cell,
where he dwells and sleeps well.
his insomnia's cured?that's fantastic!
"
"i'm upset, but this tramp makes me crosser
with his begging?the homeless old dosser.
several teeth appear crushed;
they're all dirty, unbrushed.
you can bet that this bum's not a flosser.
"
"jane is not from the south, we maintain;
she's a rock-ribbed down-easter?it's plain.
since our belle of the ball
needs a real southern drawl,
we're not hiring this daughter of maine.
"
"the young captain opined, ""i'm agin it.
such a cadence has problems within it.
this double time races
its thirty-inch paces?
one hundred and eighty a minute!""
"
"""is this valuable, something to pawn?
grandma's drawnwork?"" asked dawn with a yawn.
""no, it's done with a needle,
by hand (it's not pedal).
patterns form as the threads are withdrawn.""
"
"diaplasis means setting a bone
(that has snapped, since you're accident-prone)
or a joint dislocation.
for a quick consultation,
call 9-1-1, now, on your phone.
"
"as a sub for the star, j.d. florez,
lawrence brownlee won rounds of applaurez,
which he'll never forget.
he's been hired by the met
to sing arias, backed by the chorez.
"
"today i'm not sure i could hack
racing cars on the  dirt (plain earth) track?
both unpaved and uncouth?
where i raced in my youth.
now i lack what, way back, was a knack.
"
"blackcurrants fall prey to this ill,
and big bud can't be cured by a pill,
but its name's also famed
as a tractor, proclaimed
large enough to fill anyone's bill.
"
"though we'd ordered new pines for our vicary,
the pastor indulged in some trickery.
""pines are fine,"" he said, ""but
for an edible nut,
i've replaced them with this: big-bud hickory.""
"
"for dotard a  synonym, it's
like old geezer:  a usage that fits.
that old fart is a dotehead.
his empty old-goat head
has certainly lost all its wits.
"
"it grows in america's west:
bigleaf maple, the tree i like best.
in the spring this big fellow
sprouts blooms?fragrant, yellow.
its heaven-blessed nature's expressed.
"
"""i'm impressed with your classification
of the types of degasification.
 removing the bubbles
will end all my troubles?
to my struggles bring pacification.""
"
"as he scrubbed the graffiti erasingly,
he was sad, as the job was debasingly
given only to him?
not his co-sprayer, jim.
so he mobilized jimmy, replacingly.
"
"we can call something acinous, and
call it acinose too?ain't that grand!?
if that thing has a shape
that ain't flat, like a cr?pe,
but resembles a grape, in a gland.
"
"don carlo, by verdi, it's plain,
is an opera that's all about spain
back when phillip was king.
the remarkable thing:
all his courtiers could sing in the reign.
"
"with the tale billy budd, i am smitten.
it's among the best yarns ever written.
melville's seagoing story
attained further glory
as an opera by benjamin britten.
"
"of good fortune, my job is a fount.
i've been given a drawing account,
so when broke on a gray day
that comes before payday,
i withdraw a judicious amount.
"
"diplogenesis causes a doubling?
if a windpipe, it makes extra bubbling.
unless surgery's done
to construct only one,
the outcome is bound to be troubling.
"
"let's take dogtooth?its meanings are three:
it's your eye tooth (for biting it's key);
it's an old-fashioned molding;
on this map i'm unfolding,
a ghost town you'll find in nd.
"
"i suspect my dad's base disavowal
of his promise. i sit here and growl
as his note i peruse.
should he choose to refuse,
i'll berate him in language most foul.
"
"lost my key on my walk?what disgrace!
now my steps i will have to retrace.
yes, i must double back,
then endure every crack
about graces i lack. i've lost face!
"
"my departure indeed was dramatic.
the department head gave me some static:
she forbade me to leave,
but i laughed up my sleeve
at her striving to be autocratic.
"
"the day will be sunny and warm,
as the clouds are all cumuliform.
see a bunny? a fly?
in the sky way up high?
what we surely won't have is a storm!
"
"my disgruntlement please be excusin'.
doctor black says my vision i'm losin',
and the problem is macular.
damn these spectacular
hyaline bodies called drusen!
"
"cav and pag are two opera one-acters.
played together, they've damned few detractors.
pag's got clowns, pleases millions,
and cav's got sicilians;
in both, love and murder are factors.
"
"the confederate states? let's explore
their secession?i think it was for
economics and slavery.
i find that unsavory;
no wonder we had civil war!
"
"la boh?me's about youngsters, artistic,
who are poor but remain optimistic.
there are six?all are pals?
four are guys, two are gals.
for its time, it was quite realistic.
"
"aida, a princess and slave
of the pharaoh in egypt, would crave
pleasing both?dad and lover?
but soon would discover
her actions led both to the grave.
"
"if i drug, and it's crack that i smoke,
i'll detoxify. will i decoke?
no, decoke means ""clean soot
from an engine,"" to put
it in shape?though it may leave you broke.
"
"a digraph: of letters, a pair
that depict just one sound. these i'll share:
the ai that's in fail,
or sh as in shale
are digraphic like ch in chair.
"
"do your sculptures need wood that's real dense,
but you don't want to bear the expense?
well, for densification?
intensification
of density?here's what makes sense...
"
"the tenor called pl?cido domingo
can sing opera in many a lingo?
from tan dun to zarzuela?
and in many a gala
fills halls, so the sponsors cry ""bingo!""
"
"when a don tells his wiseguys to kill,
he knows that they probably will
do away with the thug
with a shiv or a slug.
such procedures are run-of-the-mill.
"
"as they harvest their annual crop,
they hear prices are plunging nonstop.
""it's a shame,"" farmers think.
will it drive them to drink?
will the drop lead to taking a drop?
"
"dining out, when i'm full but my plate
still holds leftovers nobody ate,
then a doggy bag will
help me out, fill the bill,
and my lunch for tomorrow create.
"
"the police chief declared, ""i presume
morton's corpse we must now disentomb,
as i think it was murder.
someone killed this old birder
for chasing off loons with a broom.""
"
"the report was made known; divulgation
created a public sensation?
three ex-mistresses named,
all with child support claimed.
james was blamed and had no explanation.
"
"that huge bottle is covered in wicker,
made of glass, narrow-necked, full of liquor.
it's a demijohn, juan,
from the french name dame jeanne.
if you drink it all down, you're a shicker.
"
"here's the note dwight is trying to write
to ms white, whom he must disinvite
from his party tonight,
as they had a slight fight.
it's all right, but it isn't polite.
"
"""where's  my dress shirt? i want to get dressed.""
""see the dry wash piled up on the chest?
it is terribly wrinkled.
find your shirt, get it sprinkled,
then see that it's properly pressed.""
"
"these are dry kilns for drying my lumber.
i've invested my funds in a number,
but my profits are nil
so i'm out to kill phil.
that damned workman does nothing but slumber!
"
"pete can't eat, so we'll start an iv.
in his drip-feed i'm sure there will be
what a sick man will need
till once more we can feed
him on gruel and jello and tea.
"
"as his fame and his fortune had grown,
caveman dana became quite well-known.
""think how much i might do
if i only were two!""?
so he started to work on a clone.
"
"here's my principle, clearly assertable:
in a car crash, each passenger's hurtable.
if a drophead should roll,
it would take a grim toll,
so i always avoid a convertible.
"
"from a distance, she seems a sensation.
her attraction defies explanation,
but she plays many roles.
she has north and south poles.
you get close? there's demagnetization.
"
"when she spoke of our broad divarication,
i replied with extreme indignation.
what she meant was ""branched wide.""
i cried ""sorry!"" then sighed,
feeling foolish?a humbling sensation.
"
"i home-birthed my son in tacoma;
my midwife? she lacked a diploma.
i did well, but one issue
remains?now the tissue
in my womb is a deciduoma.
"
"you may think this a joke or a spoof,
and i probably seem like a goof,
but the beat, i complain,
soon will drive me insane?
it's the drumming of rain on the roof.
"
"some regimes can exact a great price:
if found innocent, folks are tried twice.
to allow this in law
is a serious flaw;
double jeopardy?tyranny's vice.
"
"it's as bad as a bite from a bitis?
dressler's syndrome, a pericarditis.
the victim's oppressed
with distress in his chest.
as you've guessed, i'd prefer pneumonitis.
"
"teaching's dull; i must do something radical,
something forceful, theatric, dramatical.
i will rent out my flat,
buy a panama hat,
and head off to muscat on sabbatical.
"
"you'd expect it of oedipus rex ?
with his mom (who's his wife) to have sex,
but of lester, your best
friend from school? who'd have guessed
that his psyche could be so complex?
"
"think of diet and matters nutritional.
most men swear their selection's traditional,
but you also will find
that a guy's state of mind
matters too?as their taste's dispositional.
"
"dad adores mother's cashew nut brittle,
but gives compliments little by little?
gives them dropmeal, he'd say
in his old-fashioned way,
being cautious and sly, noncommittal.
"
"the play doctor's called when your play
has some ailment you hope to allay.
he'll prescribe for your drama,
adding more than a comma.
his medicine's worth what you pay.
"
"i regret i agreed?acquiesced?
when jed said, ""let me fondle your breast.""
dad was watching our date
through the heating vent grate,
and he threatened my guest with arrest.
"
"to eat cheese is my present intent.
in my diet, it makes a big dent.
i choose french double creams;
sweet and dreamlike each seems.
how much fat? at least 60%!
"
"i had hoped you'd use logic, persuasive,
not your double-talk?vague and evasive.
you like double-talk, boy?
here's the real damned mccoy
in your face: mazin grace stayin placive.
"
"happy birthday!  today you're fifteen.
it's an age situated between
your young childhood, now passed,
and adulthood?at last
paying taxes and eating cuisine.
"
"""since beginning this verse, i've found out
that unclearness, uncertainty, doubt
 has me scratching my head,""
the perplexed writer said.
""i'm not sure what the damned thing's about!""
"
"i'd assumed that the word meant ""musician
playing rock,"" or a kid with that mission,
but i found (what a shocker!)
the true boston rocker
is a rocking chair?boston edition.
"
"just consider this verse?my word's drinkable.
to cry uncle and quit is unthinkable,
so i write: it means 'potable.'
i'm hoping that's quotable,
and the limerick itself might be inkable.
"
"""i think mom's going nuts,"" jenny vented.
""going senile?she's sounding demented.
mom said: 'marry a witch doctor!'
what? she said: 'rich doctor?'
son of a bitch!"" jen repented.
"
"the sign gentlemen hadn't meant him,
so the fool filled his tub to the brim.
""i'll swim home, all alone!""
he jumped in; with a groan
watched the bathroom floor flood?man, that's dim!
"
"the good conduct award remains winnerless,
though the team that we entered was sinnerless.
the judge? unimpressed!
now we're hungry, distressed.
as we can't throw a party, we're dinnerless.
"
"i applied for a job as reporter,
not ads-for-department-stores sorter.
to scout stories i'd meant,
but i'm desk-bound?i'm pent?
so i'll leave at the end of this quarter.
"
"a federal case of this sort
is tried in what's called district court.
ted made counterfeit twenties
to pay for his ventis
till his printing career was cut short.
"
"""when i nap after lunch,"" explained rose,
""i don't sleep very deeply; i doze.
i am easy to wake,
so shut up for god's sake,
and keep still when you see my eyes close.""
"
"a dozer is someone who dozes,
and gets little deep sleep, one supposes.
he awakes with a start
at the sound of a fart.
my great-grandfather, bart, one of those is.
"
"as a parent, i help my kids cope
with their peer pressure. now it's my hope,
offered pot, they'll fight back,
won't do drugs. try some smack?
they'll say no, and will never do dope.
"
"pete from quito arrived incognito
at the opera (clemenza di tito),
and he wrote a review
saying: ""mozart is through!""
hope our editor gives it his veto!
"
"herb's a jerk. he refutes, disconfirms,
all the classical theories of germs:
""tiny microbes ain't what
makes infections; they're not!
satan's devils invade, dressed as worms.""
"
"home improvers? their ill-gotten pelf
makes me sick! if i need a new shelf,
i won't look to a crook,
since i purchased a book
that will help. it's marked do-it-yourself.
"
"""cardioaccelerators speed up the rate
of your heart."" ""like a great-looking date?""
""no, not kisses and hugs?
pharmaceutical drugs.
bradycardia's what they abate.""
"
"this mark on the page made me stagger;
it looked odd, with a bit of a swagger.
i can name the mark now:
double obelisk?wow!?
also diesis and double dagger.
"
"while painting your portrait i toil,
so don't touch it, or else you may spoil
its smooth surface and smear
your austerely daubed ear.
it's still wet, though i use drying oil.
"
"""what is bone lace?"" asked cynthia, grinnin'.
""it's a lace made of threads that are linen,
using bobbins of bone,""
answered joan, ""but it's known
some were ivory, in the beginnin'!""
"
"i wanted to be an andrologist.
mom said, ""no!"" so i thought, ""gynecologist?""
but i chose diabetes.
mom's earnest entreaties
won out; i'm a diabetologist.
"
"two leaders were named dionysius.
they were father and son?both were vicious.
they were tyrants, sicilians,
not loved by civilians.
the son was, perhaps, more malicious.
"
"joe's jalopy is not very drivable,
but he thinks that the heap is revivable.
what he needs is some parts,
a mechanic with smarts,
and a plan to get both that's contrivable.
"
"have you heard the bad news about harry?
drinking booze made his life plan miscarry.
an old floozy he phoned
for some sex got him stoned,
and he drunkenly asked her to marry.
"
"i presume you suppose he's the one for
you to marry, but papa will gun for
this guy who first laid you
and now has betrayed you.
if found, i'm afraid the man's done for.
"
"see this drill hole? it's known as a bore,
and for oil it is used to explore.
when you're searching for oil,
just drill holes neath the soil;
check the core. nothing there? drill some more.
"
"uttered rudy with perfect astuteness:
""this drink shows abnormal diluteness.
all the tonic put in
drowns the flavor of gin.""
but the bartender's answer? just muteness.
"
"when it's hot, out to sunbathe i sneak,
and in winter the hearthside i seek.
people think that's okay,
but they wince when i say
that i beek, and they deem me a freak.
"
"i said, ""trish, have you lost your ambition?
months of drinking and sloth decondition
any athlete. once champ,
now you're weak; muscles cramp.
see your coach and consult your physician!""
"
"those two sawyer boys?lord how they're thriving?
lawyer bart and his brother, conniving.
mel sells booze in his bar;
clients get in a car
then need bart when they're charged with drunk driving.
"
"call me domina, latin for ""dame,""
or for ""mistress""?they're both quite the same.
it's the female of ""master.""
my authority's vaster
than any great lord's you can name!
"
"sad to say, it's a part of our city
that's gritty and not very pretty.
folks who can't afford hardboard
make huts out of cardboard.
the homeless need more than our pity!
"
"diarthrodial joints, like the knee
move around to a useful degree,
and with elegant motion.
i observe with devotion
that to bend and extend they are free.
"
"dressing forceps: a surgical tool
used in caring for wounds, as a rule.
with its accurate clasp,
it can help us to grasp
either gauze or some thread from a spool.
"
"rave reviews that were just astronomic
were written for doctor atomic.
with a nuclear blast
that left viewers aghast,
the opera was solemn?not comic.
"
"at the concert we heard herbie's fiddling.
his violin style? fair to middling,
but he held up the show
as he fussed with his bow.
sighed the crowd: ""his performance was diddling.""
"
"she was cute and her driveway was plowable.
""i will clear it, if that is allowable,""
cried the lad, full of pash,
but his offer was rash,
and he hoped it would be disavowable.
"
"the opera house rafters would ring
when fernando corena would sing.
the world's best leporello,
this round-bellied fellow
of buffo was truly the king.
"
"as it kills the disease-causing fungus,
the use of diflucan's humongous.
such infections, i think,
can create quite a stink
with their exudate?worse than mundungus!
"
"now they've put you in charge, it's foreseeable
you'll assume that all rules are decreeable,
but consult the staff, please,
ere you issue decrees,
and your workforce will be more agreeable.
"
"lisa's dieting efforts were ceaseless.
all her meals were unsalted and greaseless,
but she sighed and looked pale
when she stepped off the scale,
as her poundage, each day, was decreaseless.
"
"the declared marxist thinker?avowed,
self-confessed, one who shouts it out loud?
bellows: ""comrades unite!
fight the plutocrats' blight!
don't be cowed, fellow workers; be proud!""
"
"don carlo, infante of spain,
loves his step-mom, engendering pain
for them both and the king,
and good lord, can they sing
as their anguish they try to explain.
"
"cousin gussie is constantly gushin'
over novels she's readin' in russian.
dostoyevsky's the latest;
she claims he's the greatest.
(that usually ends the discussion.)
"
"after bea's unexpected abortion,
we examined the fetal distortion
that the sonogram showed.
legs were stunted and bowed.
they displayed an extreme disproportion.
"
"he's an egghead,  a double-dome who,
you can bet, has a weighty i.q.,
but this great intellectual
has proved ineffectual
when trying to lace up his shoe.
"
"when the sun sets, the sky becomes pink.
the beautiful scene makes me think
of the long night ahead,
watching reruns in bed,
so i have my acronychal drink.	
"
"does your date get irate, raise a clamor,
when you make a mistake in your grammar?
does he rail; does he rant
when you rhyme aunt with ant?
such a trait, i would state, bates his glamor.
"
"""that there gal's drop-dead gorgeous,"" fred said.
""she'd be drop-dead exciting in bed.""
so he crooned to her, ""miss,
may i give you a kiss?""
then she hissed, and she whispered, ""drop dead!""
"
"""what is digitiform, class?"" asked ms. singer.
""who can tell us what's shaped like a finger?""
""the thumb on my mitten,
the tail of my kitten,
and my pee pee,"" squealed lee (a humdinger!).
"
"""abiogenically?that's how this meal
was produced!"" healy cried in his spiel.
""it was made on a slab
at the chemistry lab.
just add water?it almost tastes real.""
"
"there's a democratic party in kenya,
and in lebanon, france, and slovenia.
although none in iran,
one is found in japan,
and on ballots for votes in armenia.
"
"who's a druze? he belongs to a sect
that's a thousand years old, i suspect,
yet has grown and survived.
though from islam derived,
other values this faith will reflect.
"
"this verse is a tad academical:
a dihydrate is made when a chemical
joins molecules, two?
yes, of water. it's true,
and my statement's plain fact, not polemical.
"
"my brilliant young step-brother alec
studies law?not  the modern, but salic.
lots of brains are inside
alec's head (which is wide);
yes, the scholar is brachycephalic.
"
"what's a dogtrick?  what scot teaches spot?
sit, and stay, and roll over?the lot?
no, it's one kind of pace,
not much good in a race
(not too speedy), a soft gentle trot.
"
"what's a dollman? a guy who's a doll,
and with whom you are tempted to loll?
who is cute and not ape-like?
no, a mantle that's cape-like.
so much promise, but dollman's banal!
"
"all my yearning's become a phantasma
since my internist tested my plasma.
now i no longer strive
for a sea-bottom dive,
as i suffer from bronchial asthma.
"
"sid showed diffidence?hesitance, shyness?
when i jokingly called him your highness.
""call me wimp; there's validity
in the name. my timidity
shows i think of myself as a minus.""
"
"""from my boyhood, i've sung with great fame.
my desire from the cinema came.
i decided to do so
when i saw great caruso!""
thus does tenor carreras proclaim.
"
"fidel's younger brother, ra?l,
was asked to take over his rule,
as the law-prescribed pick,
when fidel became sick?
and this castro, it seems, is no fool.
"
"what is drimys? a genus of tree:
one's a wellspring of vitamin c.
but it's also a fish
that once swam with a swish;
now extinct, it no longer swims free.
"
"our homework assignment, coercive,
was reading an essay, discursive,
that skimmed many topics,
from maine to the tropics.
i'll skip it. i'm feeling subversive.
"
"the plant that is called devil's bit
is a beautiful one, i submit,
not at all diabolic?
more an innocent frolic.
in gardens, this flower's a hit.
"
"to get drunk and get fat, here's a scheme:
try this cocktail?it's booze with ice cream.
the dom pedro is famed,
and reputedly named
for the king of a bygone regime.
"
"a dogfighter, flying up high,
blasts a volley of shots passing by,
to shoot enemies down?
and gain lasting renown
as the guy who zaps planes in the sky.
"
"this disease with genetic transmittal
causes pain and distress?not a little.
the name of this menace is
osteogenesis
imperfecta. it makes one's bones brittle.
"
"to deboard: to get off, to debark,
like the creatures who left noah's ark.
zebras fled at a trot.
insects crawled from the spot.
glad the ark found a good place to park.
"
"an accident happened to matt.
he was hit on the arm with a bat,
and since matt never cursed,
as his elbow he nursed,
the worst he came out with was ""drat!""
"
"""what i nightmare i had,"" eddie said.
""satan's demon attacked me in bed!
he'd a beak like a gull
and a long narrow skull?
yes, a dolichocranial head.""
"
"it didn't bring maury much glory
when he told us his tenth dirty story.
we reacted with shock.
""have you others in stock
with more action, less sex?something gory?""
"
"it's a drainage?a watershed?basin.
after rains, all the brooklets are racin'
to the streams; then they make
for the river or lake,
and then some to the ocean will hasten.
"
"i propose that we must disembroil
our friend doyle, who, in spite of his toil,
now is sunk in confusion.
his latest delusion?
that his dirt bike will run on crude oil.
"
"the word dogtrick?its sound can evoke
something sneaky, a practical joke,
one that's nasty and churlish
(not cute, sweet, or girlish).
it's more of a poke than a stroke.
"
"will we like chaucer's tales? she is doubtous;
our new prof is uncertain about us.
though she feels insecure,
of this fact she is sure:
that her salary'd vanish without us.
"
"what a job! i'm a slave! it's indentment!
can you now understand my resentment?
as an intern, i thought,
i'd have fun. now i'm caught.
all i feel is extreme discontentment.
"
"so our shop can get out of the woods,
our consultant has listed two ""shoulds"":
change our name from ""le wok,""
and then downscale our stock?
selling cheaper and lower-class goods.
"
"i take martial arts class at the dojo
on oak street, just east of the hojo.
there my prowess in judo's
rewarded with kudos?
my skill, mixed with luck, and some mojo.
"
"twelve freshmen signed up for the test,
and the dozenth, the last, came out best.
she was faultless; her score
was 100. what's more,
she was finished before all the rest.
"
"when she furnished our house, carly coyly
placed on each of our armchairs a doily,
so when guests rest their heads
she prevents messy spreads
of those gels and pomades that are oily.
"
"what's distemperate? here's a good trick:
i'll define it correctly and quick.
someone's angry, in rage,
or the dog in that cage
has a virus that makes him real sick.
"
"when he saw jill's new cadillac, phil
reacted against his own will.
his mouth just dropped open.
he shut it quick, hopin'
she wouldn't stick him with the bill.
"
"deedee's dog bite's becoming infected;
penicillin has now been injected.
keep that mutt tightly tied,
on a leash by your side,
so from tooth wounds our kids are protected.
"
"self-digestion? we call it autolysis.
red cell breakdown? it's known as hemolysis,
while decompositions
in acid conditions
are expressed by the term acidolysis.
"
"defining this word is a cinch.
take an acre of land, add a pinch
of water, depth put
at a twelfth of a foot ?
the volume is one acre inch.
"
"a ctenidium? one is the gill
of a mollusk?a pink comb-like frill.
there mom nature arranged
to have gasses exchanged
so the shellfish can breathe with great skill.
"
"the author felt gypped, and he flipped
when he found we had hidden his script
in a cryptal retreat
neath the churchgoers' feet?
buried deep and unread in a crypt.
"
"""here's a very large load for your truck.
is your cubage sufficient?"" asked chuck.
""my voluminous rig
has a trailer that's big,""
i replied. ""all is well; you're in luck!""
"
"that he'll ever come back, i'm a doubter.
once a cocky young boxer, a shouter,
now he's penniless, meek,
quite disabled and weak,
and we speak of ""the poor down-and-outer.""
"
"a divan bed's a sofa that's armless,
also backless, but not always harmless.
think of passion?you are
in a lady's boudoir.
her divan bed would hardly seem charmless.
"
"did myopia really deprive a
horny guy of the sight of godiva
when the lady rode nude?
i conclude she was viewed,
since he drooled?yes, his lips dripped saliva.
"
"chuck mcglucken was down on his luck.
in his wallet was only one buck,
so he begged on the street
and got frostbitten feet,
limped along and got hit by a truck.
"
"sylvester's a man on a quest
that is blessed by the lord?so he's guessed.
he's obsessed with the plight
of the downtrodden?right
their injustices, help the oppressed.
"
"cousin lola, who lives in angola, might
study stones as she drinks rum and cola. might
she find this fine rock
near her house?round the block?
the everyday mineral dolomite?
"
"in this marvelous tank we all crawled.
it seemed small; we were scared and appalled,
apprehending our session
of slow decompression?
 hyperbaric, the chamber is called.
"
"a gallic young fellow named alec
had a stroke that was diencephalic.
he recovered, but seems
to sleep often, with dreams
filled with music that's heavy metallic.
"
"something direful will generate fear
(like an illness in one who is dear),
or spread ominous dread,
like the sign on her bed:
repent sinners! the ending is near!
"
"ted's diamond seemed really first-class,
from its crown to its sparkling culasse,
and i wanted to wed,
but my dad shot him dead
when he found it was made out of glass.
"
"some teenagers show a fixation
on a hobby that brings devastation.
each year, some kids die
as they, drag racing, vie
for the speediest route to damnation.
"
"though the questions norm asks are rhetorical,
his knowledge is quite categorical
in matters linguistic.
he's never simplistic.
diachronic, his method's historical.
"
"then she cried, as her dudgeon  grew higher,
""i'm not dragonish, kid. you're a liar!""
but i swear this is true
(i've got witnesses, too):
from her mouth there emerged balls of fire!
"
"human tissue that's cryopreserved
makes me queasy, but humankind's served.
frozen eggs, frozen sperm?
just the thought makes me squirm.
(you've observed that i'm wholly unnerved.)
"
"""what's the meaning,"" you ask, ""of cubicular?""
it relates to one room in particular?
where you sleep every night,
and you furthermore might
have some fun that is extra-curricular.
"
"cubage units are neat and concrete.
they include cubic yards, cubic feet,
and, of course, cubic meters
(each one thousand liters),
but the list on this sheet's incomplete.
"
"i think jaffe, the critic, is daffy?
says my cooking's not wheaty but chaffy.
he opined: ""it's the pits;
i've decided that it's
like the dregs after brewing?it's draffy.""
"
"after nearing a lair on a dare,
cousin mary was mauled by a bear.
now in hospital, she
is as sick as can be,
but alive due to critical care.
"
"said the tv reporter, ""a scoop!
from the congress?the latest straight poop!
though their wrangles are raucous,
both parties will caucus.
they're forming a cross-party group!""
"
"""it's a fine climbing vine,"" said the boss.
""trumpet flowers and leaves with high gloss.
it's called cross vine, but i
cannot understand why.""
""cut the stem and you'll see it?a cross.""
"
"maude lets naught go to waste?life is drossless,
but to me it seems dull and, well, glossless.
all that work and no play
earns one's meals, though i'd say
it's like eating spaghetti that's sauceless.
"
"in our time, many poems didactical
are in jingles in ads?very practical?
played again and again,
till they stick in you brain.
ask the adman; he'll tell you that's tactical.
"
"when i gamble and lose, it's the pits,
and i have to make use of my wits
to escape from my trouble?
one round betting double
or nothing?that's double or quits.
"
"do you crave an odd word?  then try boule.
it's a word they don't teach you in school.
it's a game the french play,
a fake gem, and i'd say
that for me it's a bread, as a rule.
"
"when bronchitis flared up, tess was restive.
i suggested a strong decongestive.
she felt great right away?
cough and wheezing at bay?
and appeared at our fete feeling festive.
"
"cousin rita's new pup, an akita,
has a doghouse?a lovely casita?
but the house rests on chalk.
now the dog seems to balk
and refuses to walk on the creta.
"
"from the library, violet took
a large tome: the world travelers' book,
not to read but dip into,
see the places she's been to,
so in one or two chapters she'll look.
"
"in testing new treatments, you'll find
the best studies designed are one kind:
the placebo group (half)
isn't known to the staff
or the subjects?it's all double-blind.
"
"i imported this book from detroit,
as the writing, i thought, was adroit.
but my husband demurred:
""not a meaningful word?
it's a trifle, a doitkin, a doit!""
"
"in his dressing case, wes is confessing,
are his meds, and he finds that distressing.
with his toothbrush and paste,
all his heart pills are placed.
(i would guess that they're really a blessing.)
"
"adolescents will often have fits
over acne (the kids call it zits).
though they're angry when pimples
outnumber their dimples,
""it leaves scars,"" they complain. ""it's the pits!""
"
"rows of numbers have formed an array
on kay's laptop?a digital display.
""prices, types of supplies
that i need to bake pies
lie in front of my eyes!"" exclaims kay.
"
"uncle chip is a great double-dipper?
has a pension, and works as a skipper
on a county-owned boat.
he's a crafty old goat,
but i'll have  to admit the guy's chipper.
"
"i have sketched my idea for the plaque.
take this drawing pin, jackie, and tack
my design to the wall.
just be sure it won't fall.
bye-bye, all; nature calls?be right back!
"
"if he comes to our party, he'll revel
with a devilment sunk to the level
of a rogue or thief.
seems beyond one's belief?
i say neville will act like a devil!
"
"said the botany prof to his pupil,
""a peach, not an apple, is drupal.""
cried the kid, ""goodness gracious!
are cherries drupaceous?
they've just one pit, not quad or quintuple.""
"
"armida, a beautiful meanie?
a sorceress, thaumaturge, genie?
enthralls several knights
with erotic delights
in the opera by maestro rossini.
"
"tiny diatoms' ""shells"" aren't spacious.
(they are not really shells?that's fallacious.)
these hard cell walls, in flocks,
after death become rocks,
and they make the earth  diatomaceous.
"
"they spoke diffidently, modest and shy,
to the morning and noon passers-by,
as they stretched out their palms,
pleading softly for alms?
and their diffidence made people cry.
"
"the magician was laboring hard,
but his trick, it turned out, was ill-starred.
""take dis ace,"" he declared,
then got glassy-eyed, stared.
""now jus' toss it away; yeah, discard.""
"
"sending fluid right through it, this gland
is diacrinous?flows on demand,
and its liquid's secreted
till the gland is depleted.
understand? ain't biology grand?
"
"if a phrase or a word's ditrochean,
be it highbrow or be it plebeian,
it's pronounced in this beat:
dum-dum-dum-dum. how neat!
are there ditrochees found in korean?
"
"before he grows older and wisens,
hiram buys fancy outfits and dizens
himself. in a jiffy
he's dizened?so spiffy!?
prepared to explore new horizons.
"
"in our art class, the pencil's our tool.
on a table we place a high stool
where a nude gal will sit
without moving one bit.
(it's my favorite subject at school.)
"
"boston marriages, people now say,
were entirely, thoroughly gay,
claiming two adult gals
had been more than just pals
when they lived in this old-fashioned way.
"
"the descent of our firm, like a curse,
is a downslide?from bad to much worse.
we are hemorrhaging cash.
when we finally crash,
i'll be carried away in a hearse.
"
"in your blood i can find christmas factor.
when you're bruised or you're cut, it's an actor
in forming a clot.
though you don't need a lot,
having none is, from health, a detractor.
"
"the chumash i'll try to describe:
they're a west californian tribe
who could sail the pacific.
their rock art's terrific,
and their name has a biblical vibe.
"
"i quit gambling, but sometimes i lapse.
i'll haunt a casino perhaps,
and i'll try to roll sevens.
a high roller's heaven's
that pair o' dice?yes, i shoot craps.
"
"what results from your dashing athleticism?
your smoldering, sexy magneticism!
i can't stand it, you hunk?
now you say you're a monk?
what i don't need in men is asceticism.
"
"said a young hematologist, stella,
""a red blood cell's a curious fella.
in the middle, it's squinched
like a plate that's been pinched
in the center. that bit's called a delle.""
"
"the scholar, a skilled documentalist,
said he planned, by next spring, to present a list
of ralph emerson's files,
which comprise many piles
of the works of this famed transcendentalist.
"
"to proscribe something's more than formality;
it creates and affirms illegality.
can criminalization
accomplish cessation?
should we legislate public morality?
"
"the dodo, according to some,
went extinct just because it was dumb,
while we humans are smart?
we have science and art,
and, of course, an opposable thumb.
"
"in a broken-down bistro in bristol,
i was hit by a twit with a pistol.
here's the wound, neath my knee.
just look distad; you'll see,
not the calf?no, the ankle (more distal).
"
"when the tribesmen from jutland we call
the cimbri marched down into gaul,
their attack turned to rout;
romans wiped them all out,
and now no one speaks cimbric at all.
"
"a day in the life of a sponge:
no excitement, no music, no grunge,
but its collar cells beat
so the beastie can eat;
then they morph into sperm?take the plunge.
"
"with religion aunt tess is obsessed.
in a phony nun's habit she's dressed,
begging alms in the street.
what? you say she's a cheat?
every donor is graciously blessed!
"
"jill has paid off her bill! time for plastic
(yes) surgery. sure, it seems drastic,
but to bring to an ending
her credit card spending,
she'll carve up her card. that's fantastic!
"
"double gold (also called golden glow)
is the name of an herb that i know
grows up tall in the fields.
yellow blossoms it yields;
mother nature creates a great show.
"
"each competitor fixes his eyes
on the triumph of winning first prize,
but to win double gold?
two first prizes?i'm told,
brings a fame that (one hopes) never dies.
"
"disablement means you're impaired,
can't respond with brave deeds when you're dared.
though it's certainly true
there are things you can do,
from others, you'll have to be spared.
"
"joe's dad was a butcher, a lamb-seller,
while his mom preserved fruits in her jam cellar,
but joe liked to drink,
so he said: ""folks, i think
i will work in a bar as a dramseller.""
"
"so she entered the trap and she ate
all the food dana left there as bait.
then the lever deployed,
but the trap was destroyed
by a swipe of the tail of her mate.
"
"as you age, watch your posture; don't slump.
do your exercise; don't  get too plump.
take your vitamin d.
better listen to me
if you don't want a dowager's hump.
"
"for oedilf i have written with zest 
many verses; folks thought me obsessed.
and although i'm long dead,
i have planned far ahead:?
this z limerick's my loving bequest.
"
"every summer i feel the temptation
to enjoy an extended vacation,
but the cost is sky high
and my bank account's dry.
ask me why? double-digit inflation.
"
"austin hasn't the price of a saucer.
what's a word for a hobo? it's dosser,
and should somebody ask it,
the word can mean ""basket,""
and was used with this meaning by chaucer.
"
"diazomethane's a chemical gas
that in labs is considered first class,
but it's toxic, explosive,
and also corrosive.
would i like some? no, thank you. i'll pass.
"
"once you housebreak your husband, domestically,
to do housework, you'll flourish majestically.
he'll do laundry and clean
while you live like a queen.
(i'm enshrining this scene anapestically.)
"
"what's that ruckus i'm hearing? a truck; it
is the one with a man in the bucket
(there's cliff in his lift,
to us women a gift)?
the most popular truck in nantucket.
"
"when you post something people despise,
that they think of as lies in disguise,
the result is no bargain.
in internet jargon,
they'll dogpile their angry replies.
"
"cakchiquel is a language of maya;
to learn it's my fondest desaya.
once i'm living among
folk who speak this odd tongue,
i'll be english instructor for haya.
"
"drive-by shootings take place in iraq.
each event causes outrage and shock.
no excuses required?
cars go by, shots are fired.
we see similar deaths on our block.
"
"as we marched, i saw maggie was flaggingly
slipping farther behind. i said, naggingly,
""though this isn't a race,
you must pick up the pace.
lift those limp-as-rags feet; don't walk draggingly.""
"
"diffusionists reach the conclusion
that trans-cultural types of diffusion
are the root of all change
in societies. strange,
such ""exchange"" can appear like intrusion.
"
"""tasty cheese in a pancake, a blintz is
a dish that can captivate princes.
learn to cook! be proactive!
great cooks are attractive!""
says grandma. her logic convinces.
"
"jude is living a life of illusion;
his dream world is causing confusion.
he builds castles in air;
while he does, i despair.
he'll die broke?that's my dismal conclusion.
"
"my friend's just converted. he's jewish;
the laws are, for him, strange and newish.
he says they're proprietary?
above all the dietary?
and giving up pork makes him bluish.
"
"once the mayor, i was, of wasilla,
now i live in the governor's villa,
but decamping's my plan?
getting out while i can
make some cash to keep under my pilla.
"
"all my life, i can't seem to walk straight.
my steps curve, and the trait is innate.
dad responds to this curvity
with angry protervity,
says, ""walking in circles? your fate!""
"
"in my life, i have one great ambition?
a goal, you might call it, a mission?
to relax in the shade
as a job, and get paid.
what i want is a cushy position.
"
"all my clothing i carefully pamper;
i don't throw them, when wet, in the hamper.
if they're wrinkled and damp,
then the fabric will cramp.
on my wardrobe, such duds put a damper.
"
"this tex-mex caf? surely seats a
lot of kids who are hungry. each eats a
strange mixture of flavors.
the dish daisy savors?
chipotle (hot peppers) on pizza.
"
"they lived eons ago?the cretaceous?
an era when life wasn't gracious.
though their kind didn't last,
these small raptors were fast,
and their appetites truly rapacious.
"
"he's an infantryman, a gi,
and a regular sort of a guy
at whom orders are thrown.
in the army he's known
as a dogface. i've no idea why.
"
"then he slaughtered a hapless phoebastria,
as he thought it might have dextrogastria.
was its stomach displaced?
but he foundered, disgraced,
and went down like the m.s. lancastria.
"
"the eighteenth amendment, i think,
caused dealcoholization of drink,
until networks arose
to supply those who chose
to drink moonshine, in spite of its stink.
"
"i encounter your beau, find him trollish
(as his head appears spheroid and bowlish),
but aware he's the heir
to a fortune, declare
that he's rare and amusing;  he's drollish.
"
"a drop letter, put in the mail,
in the post office lands without fail.
then it sits on a shelf;
you retrieve it yourself
(though you won't have to pay any bail).
"
"there's a gadget?i swear it is true?
that can actually measure the dew.
no, it's not a hygrometer,
it is called a drosometer.
how to use it? i haven't a clue!
"
"home from work, jeannie drops in a heap,
and i put her to bed so she'll sleep;
then indeed she'll drowse off.
when our married friends scoff,
i reply, ""she's low-maintenance?cheap!""
"
"now grown old, my big brother walks stoopingly.
his broad shoulders, once squared, now hang droopingly.
he was burly and bold;
now i watch the guy fold
as senescence drops down on him swoopingly.
"
"dryopithecine ape? i'm agape.
it is small, but it's primate in shape.
though it's no missing link,
it's important, i think?
this extinct little ancestor-ape.
"
"i'm sorry to have to encumber
your life, but you sold decayed lumber.
when we purchased your timber,
each plank appeared limber,
but they're druxy, yes, most of their number.
"
"this dress is extremely expensive.
i adore it but feel apprehensive,
as i'm pregnant. in size
i'll expand, i surmise.
can it stretch? i need something distensive.
"
"this kid loved to chew gum?buster hubble?
and his favorite brand? dubble bubble.
but whenever he popped
in a class, teachers stopped,
so he constantly got into trouble.
"
"when we wed, gwen and i took an oath
to be truthful. to break it, i'm loath.
when she asks: ""am i beautiful?""
it's hard to be dutiful.
i'm honest or loving?not both.
"
"my great auntie was known for her frowziness,
and what's worse, she had lice?chronic lousiness.
""they don't bite me,"" she said,
but she took to her bed.
""i've such drowsihead, dear!"" (that means ""drowsiness."")
"
"certain folks call a struggle a dustup.
in some, those who fight are just mussed up,
while in some?more intense?
there's more violence, hence,
those who lose and survive may be trussed up.
"
"once a whiz-kid in school in hamtramck,
speedy sam, my new man, is dynamic.
you'll find sam attractive,
and tirelessly active;
that's him napping, right there, in the hammock.
"
"brad wears only dark grays, though a lad,
and his drabness can make me feel sad.
on a boy who's just six,
vibrant colors should mix?
if in plaid he were clad, i'd be glad.
"
"i'm amychophobic, so natch,
i'll say no to a wrestling match,
to a pinch or a push,
or a thorn-bearing bush;
i am deathly afraid of a scratch.
"
"mary's wearing her newest blue jeans.
they're her favorite pair, by all means.
these unique dungarees
tend to squeeze when you sneeze,
but they make homely girls look like queens.
"
"here's a word to consider: duplicity.
i'll define it with great specificity.
it's the telling of lies,
a deceit we despise,
and it seldom elicits felicity.
"
"mama duck to her ducklings: ""we're stuck
with a terrible run of bad luck.
first the hoot owls are hooting,
then hunters are shooting.
my smartest advice is: just duck!""
"
"deye is an old word for ""die,""
used by chaucer in days long gone by.
in d' bronx, if you're shot,
you might die on the spot
if d' bullet should go through d'eye.
"
"there's a boy living down near the wharf
who is short, but his mom says he'll morph
into somebody tall.
yet i fear, after all,
she'll discover he's really a dwarf.
"
"he routinely runs into bad luck,
but responds with great courage and pluck.
huey, dewey, and louie
skew his life?make it screwy.
i'm referring to whom? donald duck!
"
"when opining that something is phony,
try using a word that is tony.
the name of a city
in italy's pretty?
just smile and pronounce it?baloney!
"
"if you'll help?not just sit there and twiddle,
i'll make drop scones right here on my griddle.
""queen of pancakes"" i'm crowned,
as their outsides are browned,
and they're awesomely soft in the middle.
"
"a playful young priest from bavaria
said, ""here's fifty euros.  i dare ya
to preach sunday's sermon
in perfect high german!""
i answered, ""hey, i'm from bulgaria.""
"
"""i was told that you're dating a mystic.
do you find,"" i inquired, ""he's sadistic?""
""not at all. the guy's kind,
but can't make up his mind.
his opinions i find aoristic.""
"
"a diheterozygote: he bears,
in his nuclei, two mismatched pairs
of detectable genes.
does that mean that he leans
toward disease, and he therefore despairs?
"
"when you spend your days worshiping dross,
thinking only of profit and loss,
love will pass you right by
in the blink of an eye?
then you've wasted your life chasing gloss.
"
"in our hospital, herb built a section
that he thought would avoid cross-infection?
the spreading of germs.
does it work? herb confirms
that it passed every hygiene inspection.
"
"dimocarpus: one name for a fruit
from an evergreen?asian to boot.
""that's a longan,"" cried vi.
""and it's called dragon's eye.""
i have checked vi's reply. how astute!
"
"flossie married a wizened old fossil
with a fortune, they say, that's colossal.
""he's an excellent spouse,""
she explained. ""like a mouse,
he is mild-mannered, quiet, and docile.""
"
"in the opera that's called don pasquale,
an old bachelor?a fool?feeling jolly,
weds a willful young girl,
and she sets him awhirl
till he's rescued, at last, from his folly.
"
"two hydrogens found on this acid
(dibasic) seem bored and quite placid.
they soon may be ionized?
active they're lionized?
never again to lie flaccid.
"
"""short of cash? one might say you were 'fiverless.'""
""i'm so broke i'd describe me as 'stiverless,'
and my license to drive
needs renewing!"" ""contrive
to pay up, or your car will be driverless.""
"
"something's freezable? then we can freeze it.
if it's squeezable, go on and squeeze it.
if you do it, it's doable,
but the rule's not renewable?
if it's feasible, how can we fease it?
"
"bette davis declared: ""what a dump!""
in a line that no other can trump.
what she meant was, i guess,
""jeez, this place is a mess!""
try to best bette d.? you're a chump.
"
"this plane dive-bombs?a dive (boom! boom!) bomber.
you can rhyme it with calmer or comma,
but don't  sit there somber
and rhyme it with omber
or comber. try lama for drama!
"
"do we need the word acclimatation?
we've already acclimatization.
it's one syllable less,
saving time, i would guess,
for today's ""on-the-go"" generation.
"
"martin bragged that he races a car,
but his car doesn't go very far.
first i thought: ""he's a gagster!""
but he's really a dragster?
at drag racing martin's a star.
"
"andy's planning a grand dramaturgical
portrayal of quandaries surgical.
in his play there's a cheat
in the surgical suite,
as his viewers enjoy the panurgical.
"
"'liza doolittle's accent was raw;
henry higgins removed every flaw
from her speech on a bet?
and we treasure her yet
in the play writ by george bernard shaw.
"
"dicentra?it's called bleeding heart?
comes from asia. it says on my chart:
it has this eccentricity?
a stinging toxicity.
to eat some would not be too smart.
"
"i am thinking of writing a tome
on a house that is shaped like a dome?
half a sphere. there i dwelt
in a hut made of felt.
yes, a yurt was the place i called home.
"
"as it rained we heard rumbles of thunder
and we stared at the cloud we were under.
then a downburst of wind
had us pinned?and chagrined.
being out in the storm was a blunder.
"
"what's dissociative brings separation:
group from group, also nation from nation.
it provides opportunity
to fans of disunity;
to others, just utter frustration.
"
"what goes down, then goes up, then goes down?
it's the average of wall street renown,
called dow jones. this device is
an index of prices
that causes a smile or a frown.
"
"there's more rainfall this spring than the norm.
i'm relieved we've come in from the storm.
let's dry out our wet shoes
and indulge in some booze?
that's the method i use to keep warm.
"
"i have noticed, with growing chagrin,
i've a dewlap that hangs from my chin,
and i'm likely to throttle
him who calls it a wattle.
dr. flynn, can you pin the thing in?
"
"in our bank account (ray had me trained)
i deposited all that i gained,
but when ray ran away
with a fey divorc?e,
i discovered my cash had been drained.
"
"during deer-hunting season each year,
many hunters appear, and we hear
lots of gunshots?a riot.
caveman dana was quiet;
his gear to hunt cervids? a spear.
"
"chad's a drag?when he's with us, we lag.
the guy's boring, and often will nag,
but he's really a pest
when he's specially dressed
in his grandmother's best?he's in drag.
"
"to dilapidate means ""to neglect,
say, a building until it is wrecked,
in extreme disrepair.""
(guess the owners don't care,
since they'll burn the place down to collect.)
"
"to disgospel's to act in a way
that's against what the gospels convey,
disregarding christ's messages,
as indeed jesus presages?
he predicts many sinners will stray.
"
"there's a drive-in in town; it's not far,
and their star this week's hedy lamarr.
you drive in, pay admission,
switch off the ignition,
and watch the whole film from your car.
"
"our new principal's rules are draconian.
he's from europe (i think he's estonian),
where the discipline's strict.
we all think he was picked
from a fossil display?the smithsonian.
"
"where the growth was removed, there's a gap,
so i've wrapped it?it's held with a strap?
and the skin that's nearby
isn't strong, so i'll  try
a repair with a large distant flap.
"
"when the students complain: ""clear as mud!""
then you know that your lesson's a dud,
so you try to explain
acid rain once again
(while maintaining they're sucking your blood).
"
"jumping rope is not easily done
using two separate lines, and not one.
i admire very much
how you jump double dutch,
as you make it look easy and fun.
"
"now the shortstop has filed a complaint
saying flying in planes makes him faint.
said the manager: ""you
just flew back from peru.
looks like aviophobic you ain't!""
"
"for college, mom sewed judd a duffel,
but the large sturdy bag had a ruffle.
as he stuffed his clothes in,
judd expressed his chagrin:
""ruffled duffels can cause a kerfuffle.""
"
"though he slept on the streets and was bedless,
jed was brave; he was perfectly dreadless.
but once he was lax
and attacked with an axe?
rendered headless?so now we're all jedless.
"
"""it's a drag bunt,"" we say in a case
where the batter's beginning to race
while he's hitting a bunt?
it's a difficult stunt?
the guy's making his way to first base.
"
"your duchesse is a pastry that's filled
with sweet cream, so of course it is chilled,
and this warm one you serve
as a tasty hors d'oeuvre
has a savory stuffing. you're skilled!
"
"first i wreck deena's father's marina,
then they sue me in herzegovina.
now they want all the papers
that relate to my capers:
duces tecum?so says their subpoena.
"
"see this creamery coupon i'm clipping?
double creme is on sale?great for whipping.
for jay's birthday i'll bake
a whipped-cream-slathered cake
with hot fudge on the side?that's for dipping.
"
"""here's my drill press; i work it,"" said jean.
""it makes accurate holes?cuts them clean.
when the drill bit engages,
they pay me great wages.
i'm queen of the drilling machine!""
"
"our new boss was an instant sensation;
he designed an ornate presentation.
dog and pony show? sure,
but it's bound to secure
all our customers' pure admiration.
"
"joe was eager to be ceo,
didn't hide it?let everyone know.
now he's gained the directorship?
the reins and protectorship;
aglow, our chief's ready to go!
"
"now that ida's been kindly invited
to visit shanghai, she's delighted.
she's eager and keen
to drink in every scene?
and some tsingtao. she's mighty excited.
"
"see this rock? it's dumortierite.
it's a beaut, and its color is bright.
with its heart-stopping hue
of a deep navy blue,
will it pass as fake lapis? it might!
"
"""your son's failing,"" the principal said.
""there'll be no graduation for ted.
on his head he won't wear
the school's mortarboard. there
we'll be placing a dunce cap instead.""
"
"ain't it grand? mother nature has planned
that the condyloid joints in your hand
all assist with your grip?
but they can't, like your hip,
twist or swivel around. understand?
"
"lee had promised fine wines, a whole fleetful,
and had shown us a list?a long sheetful
of champagnes shipped from france,
so we paid in advance.
he was double-tongued, lying, deceitful.
"
"common matrimony?name to assign
to an orangy-red-berried  vine?
you may call it the tree
of the argyll duke's tea.
either name for the plant will be fine.
"
"hugh likes fights; of disputes he's a fueler.
when my husband had words with our jeweler,
hugh's suggestion was cruel:
""you two losers should duel!""
i said, ""hugh, why don't you be the dueler?""
"
"in tropical waters live driftfish,
not reputed as specially swift fish.
some types fill their bellies
with free-floating jellies,
and seaweed?they're model-of-thrift fish.
"
"""when i'm wearing my suit and a vest,
i attest that i'm properly drest.
if distressingly pressed,
i'll say dressed,"" jess confessed,
but he stressed it was drest he liked best.
"
"i conclude that our camp's not secure,
and our plans we will have to abjure.
our opponent's debouchment,
like a multip's accouchement,
has produced many troops?that's for sure.
"
"but our daughter cried, ""man, that's the coolest!
you'd be marvelous, dad, as a duelist.
if you fought with a sword,
you might win an award!""
i sighed, ""lord, put this kid on the fool list!""
"
"i selected a partner; i chose
mary rose. our engagement now shows,
as she's wearing my ring (her
left hand, her fourth finger?
not her navel, her nose or her toes.)
"
"""i find sorting a terrible chore.
it's abhorrent, a bother, a bore.
i deplore it!"" said madge.
""but i've picked out the dradge,
and it's here: the inferior ore.""
"
"i suppose if i ever propose
to a girl with a ring through her nose,
it will happen in prose,
in a nightmare that grows
from a very light sleep?when i doze.
"
"""using digitalism,"" cried alice,
""an excess of the drug digitalis?
that's how bill plans to kill
uncle phil with the pill
that had rescued his heart. lord, what malice!""
"
"my new flat's on the seventeenth floor,
and i worship the lady next door,
but in 1608
there's a harpy i hate;
it's that neighbor downstairs i abhor.
"
"two things dovetail? that means that they fit
so that one's with the other close-knit,
like the parts?a's and b's?
that together make keys
in my make-your-own-harpsichord kit.
"
"my thoughts on this word are predictive:
diagraphical's meaning's restrictive,
and the word diagraphic
yields no added traffic?
it's a synonym. both mean ""depictive.""
"
"then a student of great dedication
presented on nerve decussation:
""don't forget,"" said horatio,
""this cross (decussatio)
discloses each nerve's destination.""
"
"a donut, in shape, is a torus,
made of cake that is sweet, light, and porous.
if good health is our goal
(well, except for the hole)
it is really not very good for us.
"
"""use dry masonry building this wall;
fill the spaces twixt large rocks with small.""
it is clear in mort's order:
""in building this border,
don't use any mortar at all!""
"
"kate announced, ""i have written a play
that is zany, with gay repartee.""
""with no skill dialogic,
her work's hypnagogic,""
wrote critics, in utter dismay.
"
"as the gems?gifts from guy?she assembled,
vi suspected the stones just resembled
real ice. ""they're gigantine,
but just diamantine.
they're worthless!"" guy heard her and trembled.
"
"to demobilize, troops must disband.
no more milit'ry action is planned.
we have orders?no jive?it
means every last private
and sarge and lieutenant is canned.
"
"a yearning for concord convokes
the attendees at dumbarton oaks,
who, with strokes of a pen,
introduce the u.n.
to bring peace to the world and its folks.
"
"to make profits from sales, our reliance is
on big-ticket items?appliances,
and autos?the durables,
for the wealthy, procurables.
for us, flogging fridges a science is.
"
"he's at bat, and a mighty hard swinger,
though he's cursed with a painful, sore finger.
it appears he is hearing
his girlfriend, who's cheering:
""hit it hard! hit it deep! hit a dinger!""
"
"archeologist dave found a clump
of waste in a cave-dwellers' dump.
there they'd thrown their gnawed bones,
and their tools, chipped from stones,
in a pit that resembled a sump.
"
"fashionistas? they're bashin' and trashin';
for designers they show no compassion.
with no pity for those
who designed clothes for shows,
these same ""clothes-hos"" cash in on their fashion.
"
"the ""mad bomber"" assumptions were tested:
when metesky at last, was arrested,
he got dressed in his best,
just as brussel had guessed,
in a suit that was?yes?double-breasted.
"
"said our botany prof, old and stodgy,
""i have planted this desert alhagi.
i can't figure out
how to feed it; i doubt
it will grow?the whole project is dodgy.""
"
"i am writing this anapest piece
on soprano danielle (yes!) de niese.
who else holds a candle
to her singing of handel,
or her mozart and gluck expertise?
"
"think of down feathers,  fleecy and fluffy.
stuff your pillow?they're flossy and puffy.
fill your parka or vest;
you'll find eiderdown best,
not like flight feathers?rough, coarse and scruffy.
"
"i hear that you're sick. i won't tease ya,
'cause i'm told that your trouble's dyschezia.
things have gotten so bad,
all the bms you've had
needed general, deep anesthesia.
"
"though the play holds the audience grippingly,
the lines should be spoken?well?trippingly.
now the deal-breaking factor
is zack, the ham actor,
who emotes as he salivates drippingly.
"
"as a weaver of cloth, i assume
that you work on a specialized loom.
you amaze me with patterns
of stars, earths and saturns.
is a drawloom back there in your room?
"
"""here's a dry wash,"" i heard michael cry.
""sometimes roaring, and other times dry,
it's the bed of a stream,
and though parched it may seem,
after rainstorms the water is high.""
"
"public servants all know, if they're hip,
post-retirement, you may double-dip
if your work's deemed essential.
the drill is (sequential):
retire; get rehired. it's a rip!
"
"taking steroids, young man? well, that's doping
to improve your performance. you're hoping
to be stronger and faster,
but risking disaster?
if caught, you'll have reason for moping.
"
"i've employed a young housemaid named peggy.
her habits are dirty?so dreggy?
that i guess i must fire her.
oh, why did i hire her?
(my face feels a tiny bit eggy.)
"
"i expect that my wife will act spousally,
but roused from her sleep, she says drowsily,
""i'm aware that you're horny,
and would like something porny.
i'd have sex, but you do it so lousily.""
"
"once a mix that would cause diarrhea,
diacatholicon means ""panacea"";
but there's no diacatholicon
that can fix up a lolicon
with a yen for young girls?mamma mia!
"
"we're down-home southern people. we're plain,
and we find all pretension a pain.
we're just folksy; we're wholesome,
'cept my son, who's in folsom.
(guess city life blighted his brain.)
"
"it's from one of my favorite plays:
in the bosom of arthur he lays.
thus sir john met his death.
so declares in one breath
mistress quickly?she butchers the phrase.
"
"my repair will be fully corrective;
your leg will be strong, not defective.
my technique, diorthotic,
is sound, not quixotic,
when applied with my expert perspective.
"
"yes, drop off means ""to nap, fall asleep.""
you may dream you are taking a leap
from what looks like a cliff,
and you'll find you're scared stiff
if the drop-off, or slope, appears steep.
"
"in the clubhouse, our dog made a lunge
at mike, who was dressed in pure grunge.
when our mascot dislikes
members' outfits (like mike's),
from our roll, those guys'  names we dispunge.
"
"very busy at work, i was paged.
on the phone, my fianc?e, enraged,
said, ""this morning you kissed
me goodbye, but you missed;
now i plan to become disengaged!""
?
i assumed that her tantrum was staged
and was part of the warfare she'd waged.
i hung up?this selection
disengaged the connection?
as her fury could not be assuaged.
"
"bea had dating and boys on her mind;
to do homework, she wasn't inclined.
when her grades fell to c,
we were certain she'd be
in a bind?she was dropping behind.
"
"a duad's a couple, a pair?
man and wife. should he have an affair,
no more duad; now three is
a triangle. he is
unfair, and his wife must beware.
"
"we've for doubtfulness quite a variety
of choices to use with propriety.
with a bit of pomposity,
we can choose dubiosity,
but my preference is simply dubiety.
"
"the heroes we like to exalt?
playing tennis?are well worth their salt,
but it's not a disgrace
if they don't always ace,
as the best, now and then, double fault.
"
"a curious word that means drought
is the word that i'm writing about.
i enjoy saying drowth;
it feels sweet in my mouth,
but would folks understand? that i doubt.
"
"there are bronchial vessels?the veins,
also arteries?nature maintains
in the lobes of each lung.
you will find them among
sacs of air in histology stains.
"
"though i speak with impeccable grammar,
i'm dysphemic?that means that i stammer.
each sentence i mutter
is plagued with a stutter,
and utterly robbed of its glamor.
"
"though i'm not one to whine and complain,
having sex with my husband's a strain.
dyspareunia's what
dr. scott says i've got.
my vagina cramps up, causing pain.
"
"down my arm runs my cubital nerve,
to my hand. at my elbow's a swerve
where it's apt to be hit.
i don't laugh, i admit.
""ooh! my funny bone hurts,"" i observe.
"
"these are chitlins, a dish maybe you
will not like, although southern folks do ?
pork gut cooked, then each piece
fried to crispness in grease?
serve them hot, with a pitcher of brew.
"
"cain has murdered his sib. might he gain
by behaving bizarrely to feign
mental illness, intense?
should he mount a defense
with a claim that he's criminally insane?
"
"""what is ducal?"" asked lecturer luke.
""it's the stuff that pertains to a duke,
like his armor,  his bugle,
his gold (if he's frugal),
and his perfectly powdered peruke.""
"
"a phallus should be columelliform,
not beak-like and tiny (rostelliform),
not stelliform (star-shaped),
more bar- or cigar-shaped?
like a column, and never scalpelliform.
"
"you claim to sell food that's comestible,
that's tasty and also digestible.*
grandpa left me some shares
in your firm?french fried hares,
and i hope the investment's divestible.
"
"like champagne? sample dom p?rignon.
when you try it, you'll cry, ""c'est si bon!""
but don't drink to excess,
or you'll wake up a mess
with much sinning for which to atone.
"
"to dinner my dad asked his boss.
where to seat him? my mom's at a loss.
at the head of the table?
next to sid, who's unstable?
not with sid! no, diagonally across.
"
"luke is plannin' to make him some boodle;
to fool us, he's using his noodle.
through ruse and chicanery,
he's raiding our granary.
we'll be ruined by luke's dipsy doodle.
"
"did nature correctly equip us
to deal with the drypis, or gyp us?
it's a genus of herb
that we'd best not disturb,
as its sharp, spiny leaves may, well, nip us.
"
"we'd decided to wed. hedy said,
""see this furniture ad? double spread,
it's on two facing pages:
'the sale of the ages';
let's buy a deluxe double bed.""
"
"on the plane coming home from paree,
i brought cognac, champagne, and french brie.
when my husband complained
that our budget was strained,
i explained it was all duty-free.
"
"joe and belle lived quite well in their dwelling,
but their mortgage and tax rates were swelling.
""we could make us some dough
taking boarders,"" said joe.
belle yelled, ""no! it is time we were selling.""
"
"dermatobia's larvae begin
as ova placed under the skin
of a goat or a cow?
or a human??and how!
see this nasty red bump on my shin?
"
"the dragon's eye (longan)'s a fruit
with a name that's both suited and cute.
it is sweet and it's peachy?
a lot like a litchi.
when skinned and then cut, it's a hoot.
"
"my nephew just learned how to fly.
he loves piloting planes, and a high
motivation he's got?
an airhead he's not?
he's an air-minded kind of a guy.
"
"in the driver's seat, kyle is in charge
of the goods that are stored on this barge.
will he sell the supplies
to the fella who buys
stolen stuff? (kyle's a crook, by and large.)
"
"i wear dreadlocks.  our brand-new librarian
said, ""that hairdo to me looks barbarian!
i'm suggesting a new cut;
you'd look cute in a crew cut.""
i  refused. ""my belief's rastafarian!""
"
"a drop-line is often a boon
when you're trying to land a balloon?
in addition, when fishin'
for small fish, not wishin'
to use a humongous harpoon.
"
"as i headed my boat for the dock,
it went down (after hitting a rock);
so i swam to that pier
and i'm shivering here?
sopping wet, and i'll bet i'm in shock.
"
"it's a playroom where kids should have fun,
but its hues are austere as a nun.
all the colors are dunnish.
are you looking to punish
your children for something they've done?
"
"foot gone black? this severe dry gangrene
isn't caused by poor pedal hygiene.
should an artery close
that brought blood to your toes,
flesh gets mummified, as you have seen.
"
"""this old musket's capacity's large;
you can load it for bear?double-charge?
but with double the powder
it won't just be louder;
the barrel may burst,"" warned our sarge.
"
"i'd catch trout, but i haven't a hook.
with a dragnet i'll fish in this brook,
but my father's a cop;
""use a dragnet,"" says pop,
""as a method for catching a crook.""
"
"that heckler in back is defeatin'?
with his dumb allegations?our meetin'.
there's no use denyin':
he's stupid or lyin'.
he's cretan, or else he's a cretin.
"
"when definitive signals have come
that it's time to clam up and play dumb,
dummy up and stay quiet.
it's easy?just try it?
don't whisper, don't mumble, don't hum.
"
"this superb bowfront house may be yours,
and this bowfront antique chest of drawers;
but a bowfront-style torso
looks porcine, and more so
in shorts that one wears out of doors.
"
"see him naked?a noteworthy scene.
his belly hangs down in between
your eyes, as you watch,
and the whole of his crotch?
an abdominogenital screen.
"
"as neat as two balls in their socket,
bipropellants fit snug in a rocket.
there the two precious fuels
are like britain's crown jewels,
lying safe, side-by-side, in a pocket.
"
"my talents were never gymnastic,
as my left foot's deformed; it's dysplastic.
with a custom-made shoe
i can walk good as you,
but do backflips? the strain would be drastic.
"
"all the amylenes, they're anesthetics,
but they're toxic and worse than pyretics;
written c5h10
(that's their formula). when
you have swallowed some, call for the medics.
"
"life goes on without happiness, drearily,
as at meaningless jobs we work wearily.
since our diet is beerless,
and wineless, we're cheerless.
we greet the new year hara-kiri-ly.
"
"our pr team's at work on a promo
to aggrandize our city's large duomo.
""our cathedral's great name
will be, like notre dame,
so well-known!"" cried the group's majordomo.
"
"our new classmate's a guy who appears
to have mammoth, gargantuan ears.
though they surely are jumbo,
please don't call him dumbo;
that insult may drive him to tears.
"
"so what if the guy lives on gumbo,
and gets drunk every friday on bumbo?
man, it gives me a jolt
when you say he's a dolt,
and a nitwit, a moron, a dumbo!
"
"the word drearihead simply means ""dreariness,""
like a dullness, a sadness, a weariness;
like the gloom you assume
you will find in a tomb.
i prefer sunny rooms full of cheeriness.
"
"every woodsman would have, if he could,
a dry kiln?it's used to dry wood,
and it's also for seasoning.
so here is their reasoning:
""the profit is good."" understood!
"
"when she had her last baby, my daughter
was in pain for six hours and a quarter,
as her labor was dry.
they explained to us why:
very early she'd broken her water.
"
"the plant about which you'll now learn
is dryopteris (genus of fern),
found above the equator
by pater, who later
described it upon his return.
"
"in the closet the couple were bussing.
the janitor found them, and, cussing,
yelled, ""son of a bitch!""?
an expletive which
made them wonder just why he was fussing.
"
"don't expect me to demonstrate calm
when i read of this dire dirty bomb,
with its most unattractive
and radioactive
pollution. i just want my mom!
"
"wound now healed, and no longer dehiscent,
miss bliss has become concupiscent.
""after flirting with death,
i regained life and breath,
so i'll live to the hilt?reviviscent!""
"
"""dear sibling, pray, what are you scribbling?""
bob answered, ""the meaning of dribbling.""
i responded, pronouncing:
""a basketball's bouncing?""
""no, it's 'trickling'?and don't you start quibbling!""
"
"a dipteral temple's plan shows
all its columns arranged in two rows,
while a dipteral gnat
has two wings (like a bat),
as a second pair never quite grows.
"
"he had noticed a crescent-shaped cell
in the blood smear of walter noel,
who complained of anemia.
it would jolt academia?
as his boss, dr. herrick, knew well.
"
"seminarians cried to the cleric:
""our dorm's got a stench atmospheric!""
""your classmate is ill
with an ailment that will
cause a stink, as his flu's dysenteric.""
"
"a small douroucouli vi spies?
she can tell by its large lovely eyes?
so she writes in her journal:
""this monkey's nocturnal.
these guys won't be seen neath bright skies.""
"
"what you've ordered, we've got. it's available,
but to send it? i doubt that it's mailable.
i would post the stuff, but
i'm afraid it is smut,
and the penalty there's unassailable!
"
"scoop your cat litter? then it is scoopable;
knot your rug fibers?  surely they're loopable.
have a fellow or group
that you're able to dupe?
hell, they're stupid, misleadable, dupable!
"
"this part of our gut first extends
to the right, then it turns and descends.
duodenojejunal-
type flexure? you soon'll
use this to describe where it bends.
"
"the word also can bring some surprises.
it means ""likewise"" and ""too,"" one surmises.
should your daughter's success
cause her brother duress,
you can tell him: ""the son also rises.""
"
"what applies to the dura is dural?
or to duras?is that the right plural
for the membranes of gators
or goats? dura maters
is employed by docs, urban and rural.
"
"some hormones we make are adrenal,
what pertains to our kidneys is renal,
and it's hardly clandestine
that our gut (small intestine),
at its start, will be called duodenal.
"
"one of many forms thought of by man,
the drop arch, according to plan,
will appear short and squat
(tall and lofty it's not),
with its radii shorter than span.
"
"when on sundays i get up to preach,
dysarthria ruins my speech.
with language i tussle;
the nerves to each muscle
misfire. it's no day at the beach!
"
"i once had a neighbor named john.
now he's living in boca raton,
and he says i'm a fool
to stay north, where it's cool?
mouths of rodents do not turn me on.
"
"let us sing of the dunstable downs.
think of downland?it's one of those nouns
meaning ""hills, gently rolling.""
to hearts, it's consoling,
where nature wears smiles and not frowns.
"
"selected to fill the collectorship
(of the tax-office gang, the directorship),
he was careful to pick
nick, who's thick as a brick,
for the auditor's job (the inspectorship).
"
"little balls form from hot molten glass
when it's dripped in a volume of gas.
like the pearls in some shops,
melts (or liquids) form drops
with a minimum surface per mass.
"
"once sassy, puffed up, egoistic,
this old boxer is now a statistic,
and unhinged as can be.
pete has awful dp.
that's dementia?what kind? pugilistic.
"
"many chemicals melvin will sell;
his drysaltery does very well.
is there meat you want dried?
or a tapestry dyed?
but his shop has a very odd smell.
"
"divaricate, smitty, means ""split,""
to a yank, or an aussie, or brit,
though an urge may emerge
for the curter diverge,
which is simpler, i'll have to admit.
"
"who might use one?a diamond drill?
the dentist of diamond lil?
no! i speak of the crew
of geologists who
sample cores in the bedrock with skill.
"
"sy's a liar?a guy i despise.
he's a dyer; he tints nylon ties.
now i've poisoned the pop
that he drinks in his shop,
and i'll stop by to watch while he dyes.
"
"the delphinium?here, in my book,
it says: ""named for what somebody took
from the greek and latinic.
he thought it delphinic?
like a dolphin, some parts of it look.""
"
"the old breakfront by cobwebs was shaped
like a tent; it looked eerily draped.
when we wiped dust away,
we observed with dismay
peeling paint?it would have to be scraped.
"
"this drymarchon (genus of snake)
was found yesterday, down by the lake,
in the hole of a gopher,
by our chauffeur (the loafer).
when he saw it, he started to quake.
"
"i'm afraid that i'll never arrive,
'cause the traffic is thick while i dr.
now i'm late, i confess?
woodland dr.'s the addr.?
and i promised to be there by f.
"
"as mayor, we want someone witty?
but with substance?to lead our fair city.
on the body that nominates,
indecision predominates.
we must dynamize, friends, that committee!
"
"to me it's a crime?misdemeanor?
if you're using an old vacuum cleaner
and don't empty this dust
bag. i see with disgust
yours is bulging. it could be much leaner.
"
"i saw len, was astonished, and then
did a double take?looking again.
""len, you've lost lots of weight.""
i exclaimed, ""you look great.
give me ten!"" len appended: ""amen!""
"
"caveman dana's inventions, so far,
to his friends appeared slightly bizarre.
he would suck burning wood
after meals, saying, ""good,
maybe great; but though close, no cigar.""
"
"in the indies that bore the name dutch,
there was trading in spices and such.
now a state independent,
indonesia's resplendent,
and doesn't speak dutch very much.
"
"the girl who was wealthily dowered
was by money distinctly empowered,
so she chose the weak scion
of the town's social lion?
a coward she quickly devoured.
"
"when you've done something really off base,
something dumb-ass?in that sort of case?
if the act is so foolish
you look rather mulish,
there's no way on earth to save face.
"
"he's a bully, a ruthless oppressor,
and when crossed, he's a vicious aggressor.
wes cannot, as you'd guess,
speak of love, or caress.
he's a source of distress?a duressor.
"
"""in cancun you can purchase two burros
with these old silver coins known as duros.""
""i'll agree if you say so,
but this old-fashioned peso
is worth a lot more than your euros.""
"
"as a child, i had softness and purity.
now i'm hard and i'm tough?i have durity.
i'm no longer naive
and i firmly believe
that my grit is a sign of maturity.
"
"i'm returning from holland in june.
i will bring you an old ducatoon.
years ago these were spent
on the food and the rent.
it will join your collection quite soon.
"
"our new schoolmate's an odd sort of bird.
he's a bookworm, a geek, and a nerd.
he wears thick, ugly glasses.
the vote of our class is
that dweeb is the apposite word.
"
"there's a pool near our house; it is deep
at one end, and the fall-off is steep.
""don't jump in!"" i yell. ""tim,
you can't swim!"" this is him:
""i can dog paddle; here goes my leap!""
"
"as you stroll on the streets of carmunnock,
are you likely to notice a dunnock?
on these lanes, old and narrow,
will you see a hedge sparrow?
on my door, if you see even one, knock!
"
"a terrorist rookie named tom
used some dynamite making a bomb,
so his blast would be loud.
""you can see i'm a proud
dynamitist,"" claimed tom with aplomb.
"
"your business will likely succeed
if your firm is efficient. indeed,
if you have quite enough,
toss the duplicative stuff;
they're the copies you don't really need.
"
"this plant is a globe-trotting rover
that's medically used, and moreover,
though it's clover, it's edible.
you can cook it. incredible!
i refer to the humble dutch clover.
"
"when we bought our new duplex apartment
(up and downstairs), we thought that's what start meant.
grandpa's stay brought surprises?
they say hot air rises?
that day we discovered what fart meant.
"
"""pesky a's slipping in,"" howled ed powell.
""let's disclaim them?don't throw in the towel.
only fools will write aegis
seeking honor prestigious!""
that's powell's supreme disavowal.
"
"""as the sun's just gone down in the park,
it is duskish,"" i heard clark remark.
""that's when dope dealers come
to sell drugs, so play dumb
and keep mum. don't reveal i'm a narc.""
"
"as a dyed-in-the-wool epicurean,
i enjoy that odd fruit called the durian
from a tree (genus durio).
it's more than a curio?
so large it could feed a centurion.
"
"sally's boyfriend speaks nonsense?a driveler.
when a babe passes by, he's a swiveler,
and when sal bawls him out,
his response is a pout;
then he cries and complains like a sniveler.
"
"lift your wrist. does that cause apprehension?
does your hand hang down loose, in suspension?
friend, you've got carpoptosis,
a tough diagnosis,
but we can get you help, i should mention.
"
"dulcamara's a plant you don't eat
(it is meet that it's called bittersweet),
and in opera's the name
of a quack of great fame?
donizetti's agreeable cheat.
"
"at the graveyard the waiting was wearisome.
i feared that the tomb would be eerie; some-
one said, ""you seem wary,
but it's really not scary,
just gloomy, dear mary; it's drearisome.""
"
"call me doctoress? that would sound weird.
it's an old-fashioned term, as i feared.
i'm a female, you see,
with an m.d. degree.
call me doctor, although i've no beard.
"
"murray's lapdog was friendly and furry,
but it squatted and shat on my dhurrie.
his brat of a pug
spoiled my indian rug.
i'll haul murray to court in a hurry.
?
i reacted with harrowing fury
when his little dog ruined my dhurrie.
i lamented and cursed:
""if i'm not reimbursed,
i will see you in front of a jury!""
"
"when danger was near, thor went first.
though i dared not, that daredevil durst.
i applauded his pluck,
and i wished him good luck,
but i always predicted the worst.
"
"as in bed mom (the scientist) tucked us,
about glands she would often instruct us.
""their secretions flow out
through a tube, not a spout?
it's a pipe that is known as a ductus.""
"
"""there are creases all over your dress!
why not buy one that's durable press?""
mrs. hess's  insistence
on wrinkle-resistance
was pressing?and caused me distress.
"
"nancy's condo will butt against mine.
they'll adjoin?that's the final design.
on the day nancy fancies
my butt against nancy's,
that arrangement will suit me just fine.
"
"my aunt cassie, a lass from el paso,
in paris posed nude for picasso.
he'd espied her behind
and he'd made up his mind.
""what a find,"" he'd opined. ""love that ass-o!""
"
"diastematomyelia? then you
have a spine that's divided right through
by a bone spur or band.
what? you don't understand?
most have one spinal cord; you have two.
"
"it's a poisonous plant! you've got rocks in
your head?no more brains than the oxen.
don't you dare drink its juice!
i don't buy your excuse
that detoxicants canceled the toxin.
"
"our school has been led by fantastical
headmasters?related, dynastical.
the prep school's been run
by grandpa, dad, son,
all supporting high standards scholastical.
"
"""you're in pain? just what's hurting you, pal?""
""in my ductule, the narrow canal
from a gland in my?moan?
in my jaw, there's a stone.
it's a very distressing locale.""
"
"keith's complexion is dark and his duskiness
is attractive, but somehow his huskiness
makes him scary, and keith
has those long canine teeth?
i am really put off by his tuskiness!
"
"this bible was not recreated,
but from latin (the vulgate) translated.
for catholics, the douay
let them read in a new way:
in english each verse was restated.
"
"once she lived in the emperor's villa,
as the sister, beloved drusilla,
of caligula. there
gossips cried: ""an affair!""
from that tale, authors made a megilla.
"
"an explosive to add to our mix
was invented in 1906
by our own major dunn?
used to fight ww i,
though the army came up with new tricks.
"
"add nearly ruined my youth.
my behavior was rude and uncouth.
i could never sit still
till they gave me this pill?
it was adderall saved me, in truth.
"
"our readers send many a query
'bout the birthers' conspiracy theory.
is it true that obama
emerged from his mamma
in kenya? that's fantasy, dearie.
"
"said mike, ""i am planning to psych
myself up for a ride on my bike.
i'll go dune cycling, and
ride my schwinn on the sand.""
""can't be done,"" i replied. ""better hike!""
"
"the accumbens sits deep in your brain
and lights up when there's pleasure (not pain).
if a drug makes it glow
once too often, you know,
you may crave it again and again.
"
"uncle titus will never excite us
with tales of his duodenitis
causing pain in his gut.
we feel bad for him, but
it takes headier stuff to delight us.
"
"dwarf junipers often are found
in our gardens in town and around
public buildings. it's said
that they're specially bred
so they spread, lying close to the ground.
"
"""our dungyard, i fear,  is ill-starred.
folks won't pay much to dump in our yard.""
""charge them less, since you know
that our overhead's low.
with that odor, we don't need a guard.""
"
"when to oregon's seacoast i come
to go fishing, i often catch chum.
it's called dog salmon, keta;
it's tasty on pita,
deep-fried, dredged in crumbs?try some. yum!
"
"""what's the sound of a buss?""  ""maybe this:
the roar of the engine, the hiss
of the air brakes, the beep
of a horn?like a jeep.""
""wrong! the lips-to-lips smack of a kiss!""
"
"the new mobster was set to begin.
said the mafia don with a grin:
""killing's part of the job
once you're part of the mob.
are you ready to do someone in?""
"
"irish writers? there's none with a voice
as distinctive as that of james joyce.
read his dubliners tales;
their allure never fails,
and among them, the dead's my first choice.
"
"i have not much to say about dustcarts.
trucking wastes, they are heavy, robust carts,
but they age and they rust,
as each garbage truck must,
and some stink?so they're commonly cussed carts.
"
"dad discovered bert tried to divert a
drug prescribed for him. since it would hurt a
kid who'd take it for kicks,
mom cried: ""none of your tricks!
i'll make certain you take your concerta!""
"
"when you dulcorate something, you sweeten it,
like cold cereal, prior to eatin' it.
you can decorate, too
with some blueberries. you
got that down? there's no way i'm repeatin' it!
"
"yes, i doubt men's intentions.  i just
feel their statements and promises must
be dubiously taken?
then i don't end up shaken
when i find they don't merit my trust.
"
"house of lords members quarrel, no doubt.
do they curse like old fishwives and shout?
do the barons and earls
become catty, like girls,
or hurl punches like churls?duke it out?
"
"dramaturgy?penning of plays?
is a calling that daisy obeys,
but her income's been sparse,
so she's writing a farce.
it has plot twists that make it a maze.
"
"our daddy declared, and i quote:
""on my kids i am happy to dote.""
but the gifts we had gotten
were spoiling us rotten,
and mom said: ""butt off, you old goat!""
"
"an urbane washer-dryer installer,
paul from georgia proclaimed: ""i'm no drawler,
but i had a close call
when i bawled: 'bye-bye y'all!'
i felt small, like a worm (a night crawler).""
"
"cowboys sing as they herd; they don't prattle.
if they warble sweet melodies, that'll
give livestock a lift
as they pass down the drift-
way?the road used for driving their cattle.
"
"the actor we know as john wayne
on the list of great stars will remain.
friends would get no rebuke
when they used the name ""duke,""
as his roles called for both?fists and brain.
"
"the word driftage?it means ""deviation
from your path,"" which may lead to frustration,
so exert enough force
to get back on your course,
so you'll reach your preferred destination.
"
"what is dracanth? a natural gum
used to thicken this jam made from plum,
and in health-giving pills
that you take for your ills?
so much firmer these capsules become.
"
"near the end of the alphabet found,
letter double-u's ""whoosh"" is its sound,
as in which, what, and where.
when the aitch isn't there,
it's less windy, more weighty?earth-bound.
"
"said  the nursing home chief, ""what's the matter?
seems our patients get fatter and fatter.
lack of exercise? yes?
or of carbs an excess
in the diet?"" doc answered, ""the latter.""
"
"""pray, what is the meaning of drearing?""
asked kiri, her eyes slightly tearing.
""it, sadly, means 'sorrow,'""
i answered. ""tomorrow
let's look for a word that's more cheering.""
"
"add a sprinkle of sugar  with neatness,
and dulceness is added (that's sweetness).
next you pour, from your pot,
coffee?fresh-brewed and hot.
now your breakfast has reached its completeness.
"
"abdullah ruled jordan, a nation
that would lead an immense federation
of arabs. this plan
died before it began
with the king's premature termination.
"
"""dr. blume, i must make a confession,""
said the man with the doleful expression.
""i found giving a gift
gave my spirits a lift?
doromania's now my obsession.""
"
"the drone fly looks much like a bee.
it has stripes, but no stinger?that's key.
see it hover in air
like a hummingbird there?
it's an odd sort of fly, you'll agree.
"
"fellows say that it's good to be he-brained,
because guys have more smarts than the she-brained,
but the boys in my school
don't succeed, as a rule,
as they're dull-brained?they're pea-brained; they're flea-brained!
"
"though he's cute and would like to be cuddled,
when he chases the ""wabbit,"" he's muddled.
he'll never win hugs
if he runs after bugs;
he'll remain mr. elmer befuddled.
"
"that creep hounds me; he follows my track.
he is dogging me; will he attack?
i no longer take walks;
wish i knew how he stalks?
as a loner or part of a pack.
"
"across africa, once, ran the dauw,
but you won't find it there any mauw,
as it's nearly extinct.
to the zebra it's linked?
burchell's zebra we called it befauw.
"
"this brittlebush, growing beneath
desert skies, has a lot to bequeath.
it is used to make glue,
and as chewing gum too,
and by cowboys for brushing their teeth.
"
"when i honor the tree called black oak,
i am surely not out to provoke
pests within longicornia
to infest california,
or the eastern?that beetle's no joke!
"
"the south african city of durban
faces typical challenges, urban,
which increase as it grows.
will it solve them? who knows?
ask that soothsayer, there, in the turban.
"
"i am clumsy at all kinds of sports
and look awkward in tee shirts and shorts.
though my friends call me ""cop-out,""
i'm always a dropout
from games of all sorts played on courts.
"
"bought new panties i thought were fantastic,
at jan's, but they've faulty elastic.
they fall to my ankles
and trip me; it rankles.
i'll sue jan?i'll do something drastic!
"
"although bowfins pretend to be stud-fish,
they're often called dogfish or mudfish.
amioidei are
undistinguished, by far?
next to trout, they are certainly dud-fish.
"
"in the skull of a mouse or a gator
there's a membrane that's called dura mater
for protecting the brain.
there's the pia?that's plain?
but the dura's the harder and greater.
"
"bud has drepanocytic anemia.
its attacks may engender ischemia,
when erythrocytes sickle.
this disease may seem fickle?
so say internists and academia.
"
"though the surgery's done with great skill,
anesthesia can make folks feel ill,
so their surgeons are cautious.
for folks who feel nauseous,
droperidol's just the right pill.
"
"the race at joe's bar was dramatic;
nat ran fast. all the guys were emphatic
when they bet he would win,
but he slipped on spilled gin.
in his heel, bones were spread?diastatic.
"
"""what's a dragstrip?"" i asked my friend lars
over chilled vichyssoise and cigars.
""would a cross-dressing dude
shed his clothes and dance nude?""
he replied: ""it's for drag racing cars.""
"
"his discipleship? that is to marx.
does he follow those communist sharks
bent on worldwide disaster?
no, in play with his master,
it's with groucho, not karl, the guy larks.
"
"some imports are subject to duty.
they're dutied?they're taxed?like your booty
of furs and french fashion
you'd never cook hash in,
which are worn by the rich and the snooty.
"
"said the caveman who nurtured a taste
for neatness: ""let's organize waste!""
to his son he cried: ""jump! stir
the junk in this dumpster.
in this bin all our garbage is placed.""
"
"it's so rampant it may overwhelm
every shade tree that graces our realm.
it's a fungal disease
that is spread with great ease
and brings towns to their knees?the dutch elm.
"
"building dorothy's house is a chore
since she saw that i hung a dutch door.
""it's so cute?makes me laugh,
as it's cut right in half,""
dorrie roared. now she wants seven more!
"
"della's dull-eyed; her eyes lack vivacity,
but i'm sure that she has the capacity
to have eyes that shine bright,
if she'd sleep well each night
and would exercise right?with tenacity.
"
"""see this lovely new boat?"" said the vendor.
""it's the type that we call double-ender.
either way that it goes
will be forward. god knows
that for sales it's a worthy contender.""
"
"they've potential for great differentiation,
but stem cells have stirred trepidation.
cells from embryos taken
leave some people shaken.
panacea or certain damnation?
"
"a dw, man or machine,
has a terribly boring routine.
it's a job no one wishes,
the washing of dishes,
but our china we can't just dry-clean.
"
"jay complained, ""it's too bright, i'm afraid.
this apartment i must double-shade.""
(if the light were more dim,
mom would never see him
as he played racy games with the maid.)
"
"""now that grandpa's got over his gout,
why,"" i asked, ""ain't he up and about?""
mom replied, ""he's all right.
he was dancing all night;
he's just dog-tired?plum tuckered out.""
"
"we get fruits that we love to consume
from the palm that is known as the doum
they are oviform; each
is the size of a peach
and exudes an exotic perfume.
"
"consider the automobile,
made of plastic and rubber and steel,
as it speeds down the road
with a heavyweight load
and a lightweight behind the car's wheel.
"
"i fear i must cast an aspersion
on the state that we used to call persian.
to keep themselves strong,
their police do great wrong,
and they claim it's just antisubversion.
"
"""anticommunism, yes!"" bellowed tommy.
""i will fight any leninist commie!""
from his ears emerged sparks
as he railed against marx:
""any bolshie i'll slice like salami!""
"
"dry units? a pain in the neck!
as i measure out every last speck
of my grain or my beans,
i'm inclined to make scenes?
can't discriminate bushel from peck.
"
"said my grandmother, ""look! i have been
seeing lesions?bright red?on my shin!""
""with diascopy, we
may find out: might they be
small infections just under your skin?""
"
"they have damaged my crops more than slugs?
doryphora, plant-eating bugs!
my potatoes once thrived.
since these beetles arrived,
yields are ruined by arthropod thugs.
"
"you've a tavern where townsfolk drop by;
when you serve them, some patrons get high.
after one of these bashes,
if a customer crashes,
the dram shop rule well may apply.
"
"you found oil; now you're drilling a well,
and the drill rig you're using is swell.
though the rig's not too big,
man, that drill bit can dig;
it can drill down to china?or hell!
"
"my, those kids smoking pot look like druggies.
they hardly seem out of their huggies,
but they giggle and state
that we're so out-of-date:
""hey, go back to your horses and buggies!""
"
"this herb is described as, well, ""weedy,""
not distinguished at all?low and seedy.
so when chaffweed was found
'round my lawn to abound,
i cried: ""ground cover, please! yes, indeedy.""
"
"the aquarium down at the park
is displaying a large dusky shark.
in the wild, there's migration
of this fish population,
but on trips this poor shark can't embark.
"
"though i don't like to sleep all alone,
when you exhale in slumber, you groan.
catathrenia seems
to occur with your dreams.
now our bedroom's a noise-burdened zone.
"
"dwarf willow: its creeping-out stem
lets it thrive in the cold. don't condemn
it for not growing tall.
it survives 'cause its small.
in the arctic this plant is a gem.
"
"""dad, i'm planning to marry a piper,""
i declared, but my father heard ""sniper.""
""though i'd better not trifle
with his dragunov rifle,""
he cried, ""the guy sounds like a viper.""
"
"""six obols add up to a drachma.
i've a stack of these coins in my sack, ma.
i'll just hie to the store
for a large leg of boar.
light the oven; i'm coming right back, ma!""
"
"if words in our language you're screening,
you will find some with more than one meaning.
dysarthrosis?its reach:
from arthritis to speech.
what's my preference? toward speech i am leaning.
"
"yes, our union was rife with dissension,
creating unbearable tension.
then additional grief?
seems our chief was a thief?
soon engendered our leader's suspension.
"
"tragedy felled basquiat;
this poet and painter was hot.
his work, bright but meaty,
began as graffiti;
he died of a heroin shot.
"
"please sing me a wild dithyrambus
in praise of u. iowa's  cambus.
it carries a mampus
around the whole campus;
call it: ""wheels of the gods"" (choriambus).
"
"once a model of calm ataraxia,
i was injured, and now i've dyspraxia;
i'm not smooth in my movement.
there's been no improvement.
it's stressful to live with ataxia.
"
"steve is worse than a baby who's teething.
when annoyed, he gets angry; he's seething.
he turns red, seems to choke,
like he's having a stroke.
he's dyspneic, with loud, labored breathing.
"
"said a cardsharp, ""i know how you feel.
you've been robbed by an odious heel.""
then he took what was left,
leaving queenie bereft.
""just another,"" she sighed, ""dirty deal.""
"
"a dieresis?two little spots
o'er a vowel?can puzzle us lots,
and plant fear in our bowels.
""when you're reading two vowels,
sound them both!"" say these powerful dots.
"
"these red itchy toes have me beat;
it is painful to walk down the street.
though i surely can't run,
or play baseball for fun,
doc insists that i've got athlete's feet.
"
"a dwarf buckeye was found by my date,
he reports, in a southeastern state.
it's related, of course,
to a chestnut (the horse),
though with equines this shrub doesn't rate.
"
"to measure the angle of dip,
some captains saw fit to equip
their ships with aesthetic
contraptions magnetic.
the dip circle helped guide the trip.
"
"rowlings read my report with a frown.
""it's too simplified?much too dumbed down.
dumb it up with quotations.
you'll win commendations.
quote shakespeare, descartes, jerry brown!""
"
"our family's cook is called dinah.
she was taught down in south carolina,
where she learned from her poppa,
who liked to use napa
(that celery cabbage from china).
"
"a calendrer oftentimes meets
certain challenges, even defeats.
is he making displays
of the months, weeks, and days?
no, he's rolling out rubber in sheets.
"
"ditransitive's said of a verb
with two objects?not meant to disturb
this idea: ""words as tools
follow regular rules.""
think of showed, in ""i showed you my blurb.""
"
"find these ferns in a tropical area.
they were once used for treating malaria.
when a patient bemoans
his non-healing sick bones,
chinese doctors may still give drynaria.
"
"to use ajowan, all that you need
is a properly dry-roasted seed.
it adds flavor that's keen
to a hindu cuisine,
yet the name of the plant's bishop's weed.
"
"not a beast fit for pulling a wagon,
the fearsome and fire-breathing dragon,
both morbid and gory,
lives only in story,
so quit your preposterous braggin'.
"
"a wiseguy, though bawn in new yawk,
was delivered, he claimed, by a stawk.
his accent (that means
""how he spoke""), straight from queens,
sounded awful whenever he'd tawk.
"
"i'm in doubt of bill's skills analytic.
""these cells are,"" he decrees, ""astrocytic.""
each resembles a star?
that is true?but they are
 from a vein, not a brain. i'm a critic!
"
"this bay grass, a tall kind of grass,
can be gathered and bundled en masse,
and employed as a fodder,
but also?what's odder?
be used to make flour that's first class.
"
"i find, as this brain is dissected,
the association cortex?expected
to have millions of junctions
and perform higher functions.
here the brain is most interconnected.
"
"it's ok if your heart rate is low,
but how low should one's rate really go?
bradycardia's scary,
so my doctor is chary?
gives me pills if my pulse is too slow.
"
"this tree isn't transcontinental,
and its use as a food's incidental.
california's black walnut,
a not-famous-at-all nut,
is mostly, i'd say, ornamental.
"
"after seven long years of pursuit,
rudy won julie's hand. she's a beaut,
but before they were bound
an impediment found
by the judge was (too bad!) absolute.
"
"thomas mann, in his novel, was countin'
on his character, hans, as a fountain
of meaningful queries
on life and its theories
while he lived on the magical mountain.
"
"the candle she lighted was votive.
one could guess, from that action, her motive.
her gesture, so nimble,
was a beautiful symbol:
of gratitude, clearly denotive.
"
"in college, when nature would storm,
kate watched thunderbolts, studied their form.
she'd predict, from the lightning,
dire prophesies frightening?
the demise of each girl in the dorm.
"
"dipsosaurus, the desert iguana,
won't attack like that fish?the piranha.
this shy saurian beast
on your flesh will not feast?
not like leopards you'll find in botswana.
"
"here's a note to those mean houseplant thieves:
being robbed is among my pet peeves.
steal my bloodberry, stranger?
you're now in great danger.
you'll grieve if you eat its green leaves.
"
"what's an ascon (in english, not lettish)?
in voodoo, a rattling fetish.
it's also a sponge?
if in water you plunge,
and you pinch one, you might make it pettish.
"
"""are these worms biotypic?"" asked lee.
""are their genotypes known? can they be
simply placed side by side?
i will act as your guide,
and say 'yes' if the genomes agree.""
"
"an ill that can lead us to tipple is
a kind of a swine erysipelas;
but boozing won't ease
this skin (diamond) disease,
which impatiently waiting to cripple is.
"
"inside every cell there's support
for its membrane?a functional sort?
the cell cortex, a layer
that's a critical player
in a cell that's inclined to cavort.
"
"what's centralism?  centralization,
in running a business or nation.
lots of power's displayed
and decisions are made
at the top of a closed corporation.
"
"our draftsperson, known here as tex,
draws up plans and develops the specs
when we build a new house,
while his draftswoman spouse
checks, corrects, and supplies him with sex.
"
"certain dyes are extracted from dyewood,
which is much more exciting than plywood.
i buy fustic or logwood
(but, sadly, not dogwood);
i fancy some dyestuffs in my wood.
"
"""driver ant? do you mean my dad's sister
who drives like the nearsighted mister
magoo?"" ""i refer
to an army ant, sir.
when she marches, few beasts can resist her!""
"
"the black fantail's a species of bird
that is found in two colors. i've heard
that the female is rufous,
while her husband?the doofus?
plain black, is a commonplace nerd.
"
"there's a fish about which i'm in doubt:
is the bull trout, in fact, not a trout?
is it what??beg your pardon?
really called dolly varden?
that's something i can't figure out.
"
"in a garden down south there may dwell
climbing clematis. here's the soft sell:
blue jasmine blooms late;
it is mildly ornate,
and each flower is shaped like a bell.
"
"a dog-headed ape, a baboon,
on a dune, crooned a tune to the moon.
though i found him quite hokey
(i prefer karaoke),
he was hired by the local saloon.
"
"in my dreams, when i'm eating a butternut,
i smile with contentment and mutter: ""nut.""
when i'm hugging a tree,
it's a butternut. gee,
you've concluded, i guess, i'm an utter nut.
"
"i study with utmost devotion
the dynamics of humans in motion,
but my biomechanics
provokes my wife's panics.
she's jealous?a troublesome notion!
"
"our hamlet so quickly has grown
that our aldermen altered its zone.
they have downzoned and vowed
that less building's allowed;
now my project i'll have to postpone.
"
"the decider, thought bush, ranked above
all his peers?'twas a term he could love,
but some others had pride
in their roles (to decide),
like determinator?arnold, the guv.
"
"as a rule, developmental psychology
studies kids, using modern technology?
how cognition grows sure
and emotions mature,
based on fact, not on lore or mythology.
"
"in the womb, and continued through youth,
the dental papillae, in truth,
form our dentin and pulp,
so we chew (and don't gulp)
with robustness in every last tooth.
"
"pete's a beast with a host of bad traits.
he is doggish; that means he relates
in a manner that's brutal.
reform him? that's futile.
just don't  get him any blind dates.
"
"in our quest for great words meaning ""hard,""
there are some that we choose to discard.
dropping old words like durous
won't cause us much tsuris.
we'll find something more avant-garde.
"
"as the winter draws on, paul endorses
that the students take on extra courses.
when, in spring, stress increases
with the need for a thesis,
they can draw on their added resources.
"
"wed six years?it's our sixth anniversary!
your greeting card's hasty and cursory.
i had hoped you'd be thrilled;
you're instead unfulfilled,
with no children, alas, in our nursery.
"
"custard apples, i see on my chart,
also go by the name bullock's heart,
as they're heart-shaped and red,
soft inside, so it's said?
that's the sweet and the edible part.
"
"if you study the brain of a horse
that's inflamed (by a virus, of course),
there's a way to explain
what is causing the pain:
alphavirus invading in force.
"
"the bark beetle bores under bark,
on a tree, so it lives in the dark.
it can damage the tree;
when it's stripped you can see
the ""engraving,"" its signature mark.
"
"""oh my god!  look up there, in the sky!
is the goodyear blimp passing us by?""
""goodness, no?that's just dumbo.
it's no mumbo-jumbo?
that elephant really can fly!""
"
"the ""dum-dum"" this bullet was branded.
on impact, the damned thing expanded,
which made it destructive,
and thus quite seductive,
but the hague meeting finally banned it.
"
"jim berlitz almost never admitted
that from acne his skin became pitted.
""i had smallpox,"" he'd say,
""when detailed to bombay,""
as he lied through his teeth (which were gritted).
"
"when you prospect for oil or for coal,
we equip you for drilling your hole.
made of drill steel, our stock
neatly chews through the rock,
and this mole you can freely control.
"
"we were wishin' our academicians
would attempt to adjust to conditions,
but they claim to be right
in all things. that's our plight:
we are blighted with blind dogmaticians.
"
"i said, ""look in the sky; up above,
there's a bird that's a symbol of love!""
""that's a pigeon,"" said nat,
""urban pest, like a rat!""
fancy that! but to me, it's a dove.
"
"dicrostonyx: genus of lemming,
a beast of ignominy, stemming
from this myth: in a jiff
they all jump from a cliff.
such mass suicide folks keep condemning.
"
"in my quest to become a gourmet,
i am ordering duck cassoulet.
now the waiter yells, ""jack,
one bean stew with a quack!""
to the cook in the back. lack-a-day.
"
"i admit i have never been fond
of people who weep and dispond
at a run of bad luck.
i prefer those with pluck
who'll buck up, even though they've been conned.
"
"when, to write the report, we commissioned
the senator, she requisitioned
a writer who'd make
politicians all quake?
to expose fraud and waste he's conditioned.
"
"""the dromaius bird species are linked,""
said our teacher?as always, succinct.
""just one emu now thrives,
as its species survives,
while all others are, sadly, extinct.""
"
"this zoology text is persuasive:
genus dreissena's very invasive.
these fresh-water mussels,
with which europe tussles,
are often considered abrasive.
"
"i can see it in other folks' eyes:
my dysmorphism causes surprise.
my extreme deformation
brings endless frustration?
lord, make me just one of the guys!
"
"of his writing it's characteristic:
tim's language is plain, concretistic.
he sticks to the facts,
and he seldom abstracts,
which can make his long tracts seem simplistic.
"
"when a government's structured to share
its leadership, choosing a pair
is not easily done.
a duumvir is one
of the rulers who're sharing the chair.
"
"the actor faced front and was static;
his monologue? deeply dramatic?
a self-revelation
that won an ovation;
ecstatical fans were emphatic.
"
"its leaves in a tempting array,
barbarea i'll play with today.
i'll beef up this salad
that's otherwise pallid.
its zest will make guests holler: ""yay!""
"
"the dust jacket guarding my book
had a title, new math,  so i took
it away. in its space
i installed peyton place,
just in case any classmates should look.
"
"when she dies, i am hoping dear gramma
will leave me her coat?a blackglama.
it's a beautiful mink
and i'll wear it, i think,
though i'm living in south alabama.
"
"brooklyn's large; it has many named parts,
and you won't find them all on the charts.
though you will find bay ridge,
there's a place 'neath a bridge
that's called dumbo?a home for the arts.
"
"some in prague, some in perth?their disperseness
just highlights kurt's lovers' diverseness.
""their extreme multiformity	
will stress the enormity
of my harem,"" he cries, spurning terseness.
"
"the music of joplin's my bag.
he wrote many a toe-tappin' rag.
though that faster-paced dance
makes me get up and prance,
i especially savor his drag.
"
"this term's been in use many years.
i'd say ""sharing a center"" appears
to define this old word.
it's concentrical, heard
as applied to both circles and spheres.
"
"don't you love zoological terms?
dracunculidae: family of worms
including the guinea worm?
a long and a skinny worm?
this my medical textbook confirms.
"
"grandpa howled: ""your danged wife is a slouch
who is lazy and lays on the couch!""
gramp's denying it now;
watch that guy disavow!
(he's old-fashioned; watch gramp disavouch.)
"
"in our marriage, we're deeply involved.
any problems are rapidly solved.
we survive in all weathers;
what god joined together's
not dissoluble?can't be dissolved.
"
"""i will charm the old grouch!""?that's what dee meant?
""that damned critic will nod in agreement.
in place of his mordancy,
he'll smile in concordancy.""
(then she said what massaging his knee meant.)
"
"with no family, alone in her house,
anne's discovert?a gal with no spouse?
as she's had a divorce.
it's her option, of course:
she might leave her estate to a mouse.
"
"in fairness, our town's distributional
scheme for tax breaks is not revolutional.
it is formula-based,
with no favors embraced,
so it's bound to be found constitutional.
"
"dioxane, a solvent in paint,
is a compound i wouldn't call ""quaint.""
though it isn't corrosive,
it may be explosive.
is this verse a complaint? no, it ain't,
"
"this is dimetane, allergy med
that can ease your rose fever, it's said.
brompheniramine maleate
is likely to palliate
those symptoms that yearly you dread.
"
"it was legal, according to code.
my conferrable goods i bestowed
on my very best friend
as i reached my life's end?
all my money, my rolls, my abode.
"
"in our ternary mind, there's conation?
the part that controls activation,
including volition.
it isn't cognition,
or emotion, like joy or frustration.
"
"all your answers are terse and laconic.
you seem down, dan, my friend, and it's chronic.
come with me and i'll serve a
fine herb?contrayerva.
it's known as a natural tonic.
"
"his sales pitch seemed very persuasive?
crushing diamonds makes an abrasive.
i suspect that i must
buy some diamond dust,
as in grinding its use is pervasive.
"
"""what's dicelous?"" declared uncle dave.
""any object whose shape's biconcave,
like the red cells in blood,
or some vertebrae, bud,
or the razor blade used when i shave.""
"
"""my life's over!"" cried steve as he grieved,
but he could soldier on, i believed.
""an alternative notion's
'just go through the motions.'
it's conceptible (can be conceived).""
"
"deb's terror of men was deep-seated.
perhaps she'd been badly mistreated
in childhood?abused?
and that left her confused.
firmly fixed, fear's not quickly defeated.
"
"though i found him a bit, well, pretentious,
i'll admit kit was quite conscientious.
he was clearly compunctive
when our work was conjunctive?
he was diligent, never tendentious.
"
"though its blooms come in purples and pinks,
the false indigo doesn't make inks.
called amorpha, this shrub
can be grown in a tub,
while amorpha's a moth: walnut sphinx.
"
"of my therapist, sid's a big critic.
he complains that the guy's parasitic,
but my view's panoramic
of the psychodynamic;
as a method, i choose analytic.
"
"the blood flower's gaudily hued,
orange-red, but don't call the plant crude,
as this tropical shrub
is a prime source of grub
for some insects?it's butterfly food.
"
"there are two plants called dyeweed, it's true;
the second's called woadwaxen too.
it's a flowering weed
to which few folks pay heed,
as there's not much to see if they do.
"
"we salute this important addition
to cars: automatic transmission.
it upgrades utility
and boosts drivability?
we love turning on the ignition.
"
"are you now taking drugs?doing dope?
you're a dope; you're a fool beyond hope.
you'll be spending a spell
of your life in a cell.
the straight dope: it's a slippery slope.
"
"there are two kinds of dyeweed, it's said.
one's a commonly used herbal med
and is called the false daisy.
its value is hazy,
though its use as a drug is widespread.
"
"a disparaging word's dyslogistic,
though its usage may seem realistic.
no excuse is restorative
if the word is pejorative;
its use can be hurtful, sadistic.
"
"genus acer?they're popular trees
that gracefully sway in the breeze.
this one's short: the dwarf maple,
considered a staple
that fits in a garden with ease.
"
"said the general, withered and wan,
to his soldiers: ""i soon will be gone.
though you're brave and smart fighters,
you're party-all-nighters.
carry on, men, but don't carry on!""
"
"""in the resin you see in this basin,
the substance that's active i'm chasin'.
dragon's blood in this chalice is
here for analysis!""
""too late! the stuff's known to be dracin.""
"
"""define worship,"" i bade cousin davey,
as we ate mashed potatoes and gravy.
davey thought, bit his lip.
""not a fortified ship;
adoration,"" he said, ""?of the navy.""
"
"i'm expressing my pride in possessing
a dressing sack, worn when i'm dressing,
made of silk from japan.
it's a gift from my man;
i'm confessing this guy is a blessing.
"
"as a lender of money, expect
to be paid. should the debtor reject
your agreement, then get
dan the dunner?you bet!
dan will hound him until you collect.
"
"a decolorant?  why, that's a bleach,
but the word sounds more classy in speech.
with four syllables, it's
got more lexical glitz;
it's the usage my teacher would preach.
"
"what's the commonalty? well, it's the proles?
those who work in subservient roles.
they're the folk we call common,
not royal, not brahmin,
whose strength is revealed at the polls.
"
"in the hull of this ship, compartmentation
means ""dividing it up."" motivation?
to keep most of it dry.
should some water sneak by,
it will limit the liquid's migration.
"
"compartmentation, applied to a cell,
means that membranes inside of it dwell,
making separate places.
in each of the spaces
a function's performed very well.
"
"the old stonemason cried, with a groan,
""there's a sin for which joe must atone,
or in hell he will sizzle.
he broke my drove chisel?
best stone-dressing tool that i own!""
"
"ben's mentor was wise?so discerning?
he engendered a passion for learning,
and acquiring the knowledge
that, long after college,
increased the amount ben was earning.
"
"part of darwin's bizarre archivalia:
cartoons showing cebocephalia?
darwin drawn to look funky,
his face like a monkey.
(not displayed, glad to say: genitalia.)
"
"at the henhouse i'll give you a peek
at my biddy?a prize dominique.
in a slate-colored gown,
she lays eggs that are brown.
she's unique with her hennish mystique.
"
"this verse on the subject of drinkableness
is testing my cheerful mood's sinkableness.
once i write: ""one can drink it.""
i think i can link it
(so at least this damned limerick has linkableness).
"
"at age twelve, it took plenty of moxie
to go downtown and visit the roxy,
where new movies were seen
on the big silver screen
(since they frequently featured a doxy).
"
"his action has ended the strife
with his wife?and has ended her life.
it wasn't a saw cut,
but it sure was a raw cut:
that draw-cut, one slash with a knife.
"
"says the mine owner: ""coal's our salvation!""
does he thus have a carbon fixation?
no, this process is seen
in those plants that are green,
in which sugar's produced on location.
"
"i feel just a bit apprehensive.
you need limits on spending, dimensive,
to restrict the amount
you can charge my account;
your adventure won't then be expensive.
"
"i require information on dallas's
urban growth, and a cousin of alice's
said he'd do the research,
but i'm left in the lurch.
all i got was a drive-by analysis.
"
"of poetry, jen's the doyenne;
lovely verses just flow from her pen,
and she rules her salon
like a mafia don.
she decides who gets published, and when.
"
"i fear our shar-pei's one of those
whose preference in food really shows.
she is pleased to partake
of our pot roast or steak.
give her dog food? she'll stick up her nose.
"
"every weekend?my daughter suspects?
her new boyfriend cuts up (he dissects)
human bodies. her fear:
when he stares at her rear,
he's observing her figure's defects.
"
"my new beau is an easygoing guy,
as his tolerance level is high.
though les seldom shows stress,
put your hand up my dress?
into rage that's impressive, he'll fly.
"
"mother eagle is doing her best
for the eaglets up there in her nest.
when she's feeding her brood,
hungry chicks cry for food
and she seldom enjoys any rest.
"
"as the date of our trial's quickly nearing,
i must test each deponent appearing,
to prove each one's fitness
for bearing earwitness,
with a test that reveals normal hearing.
"
"in the old days, for war you'd equip
a large dromon?a swift fighting ship.
using sails (also oars),
it defended your shores
and sank enemy boats at a clip.
"
"this metal shows malleability;
it is strong and has little fragility.
here in sheets it is spread;
there it's drawn into thread.
as i've said, it has striking ductility.
"
"jane's house wasn't clean, and its dustiness
caused sneezing. what's up with this mustiness?
jane complained: ""i've got pain
in my joints. it's my bane!
i can't vacuum because of my rustiness.""
"
"i do not have to master hippotomy
(equine structure) to do a discotomy,
but it's asking a lot o' me
to avoid a chordotomy
or a slight incidental rhizotomy.
"
"merry christmas! i hope your day's jolly.
here's a holiday plant?yes, by golly.
though it's arid and hot
where we live, still we've got,
for our yuletide decor, desert holly.
"
"it's a matter of chance if, perhaps,
after childbirth your womb may prolapse.
as you age, it descends;
that descensus depends
on your luck. does mom nature shoot craps?
"
"this strong, tough-leafed plant, i presume,
is the one that you seek?desert plume.
every flower's a spike
of bright yellow. you'll like
this unusual, beautiful bloom.
"
"howie's doubtance attests he's in doubt;
it's the contest he's worried about.
will he win the big prize
for his clever disguise,
or will five other guys beat him out?
"
"these beach ridges here on the strand
were created by waves bringing sand
that they dumped on the shore.
i have learned what they're for:
now i sunbathe on one to get tanned.
"
"when they found a unique opportunity,
our town council, with total impunity,
communalized land,
and i now understand
it is owned by the whole damned community!
"
"chromatophil: word that applies
to histology slides, i surmise.
a thin tissue slice,
from humans or mice,
stains readily, treated with dyes.
"
"once employed to treat polycythemia,
now chlorambucil's used for leukemia.
this nitrogen mustard
has functions now clustered
in malignancies causing anemia.
"
"as we drove down the highway, i dreaded
the hotel room to which we were headed.
i had asked for twin beds?
one for me, t'other fred's?
but i'd learned that the room's double-bedded.
"
"it is hard to be charming and smart
when you're asked to explain abstract art
where the line and the smear
of paint there and here
speak not to the head but the heart.
"
"concert dances are wonderful. they
may be modern, or jazz, or ballet.
on a stage they are danced
before viewers, entranced,
who perchance in advance have to pay.
"
"she's a skivvy, a servant; a drudger?
down the pathway of hardship, a trudger,
but the woman, i'm sure,
leads a life that is pure.
don't assume she's a whore and misjudge 'er.
"
"there's a wine with a lovely bouquet,
but its name is a problem to say.
here's the label, and on it
is written?dubonnet??
or maybe, perhaps, dubonnet?
"
"dan mcgee shouldn't drink eau de vie.
brandy's trouble; the neighbors agree.
drinking ""water of life""
brings on strife with his wife.
first he's ranting, then singing off key.
"
"peter's seeming indifference, his easiness,
is admired, but to me it brings queasiness.
when conditions were rough,
he was careful enough,
but success has engendered a breeziness.
"
"the frog's an amphibian which
needs its own ecological niche.
if our crop irrigation
dries frogs' habitation,
they'll die. that's my ""save the frogs"" pitch!
"
"i fight blighters and global pollution?
an unequaled, unique contribution.
i'm a brave eco-warrior.
as my battles got gorier,
i was sent to a state institution.
"
"dipsomaniacs drink to excess,
and to blackouts they often confess,
which is hard to ignore.
with each bout, they drink more,
though they'd promised to quit or drink less.
"
"here's the guard's ""rules for visiting"" speech:
""moms and dads will be able to reach
you on tuesdays at three
till three-thirty. there'll be
this restriction?one visitor each.""
"
"ninety-three, ninety-two, ninety-one...
counting backwards is not lots  of fun.
now count backward by sixes.
assigning such tricks is
the best test of thinking, bar none.
"
"uncle stan's not my favorite man.
i avoid him whenever i can.
he's a doubter, a skeptic;
he's dour, dyspeptic.
i'm glad that he's moved to japan.
"
"to my girlfriend, the world's operatic.
her responses are always dramatic.
her intensity's curious:
annoy her? she's furious;
never merry nor pleased, she's ecstatic.
"
"oh, how can i ever express
all my thanks for this lovely duchesse?
it's so grandly upholstered,
my spirits are bolstered.
this chaise is antique, i would guess.
"
"her pregnancy seemed to be fine,
but since friday i've seen a decline.
i believe she is bleeding
inside, as i'm reading
the darkening ring?cullen's sign.
"
"""it's a series of shops,"" mom explains,
""that a large corporation maintains.
they all use the same name
and sell goods (all the same).
no, a chain store does not just sell chains.""
"
"""fifty diaglyphs, ladies?now share 'em,""
said the sultan, of gifts for his harem.
the engraved gems (intaglio)
so pleased the seraglio
that he cried, ""i'm so glad i could spare 'em!""
"
"grandpa's dead. his inheritance brings
me a batch of his favorite things.
his gold watch can't compare
to his old-fashioned chair.
it's an easy chair?one that has wings.
"
"the gems were engraved (diaglyphic)
in patterns, and each was specific.
there were gardens with bowers,
and beautiful flowers,
and castles with towers?terrific!
"
"in psychosis, this syndrome attacks ya,
and you imitate me?echopraxia.
i sit down, touch my shoe,
and you sit, touch yours too.
when you do, it's adieu ataraxia!
"
"echolalia? you seem in a daze,
looking crazed, as your eyes have a glaze.
you can't make yourself clear,
but whatever you hear,
you repeat?every word, every phrase.
"
"on the bagpipes i often expound:
""these are drone pipes; each makes a low sound
while my chanter i play?
airs and reels, sad or gay?
as do pipers (for pay) the world 'round.""
"
"in cezanne there's a hint of el greco;
there's a touch of monet in art deco,
but an orchestra's boom
in my echoless room
will sound styleless and dead, with no echo.
"
"if you look at the world capitalistically,
it is hard to write laws altruistically.
free markets, prevailing,
will cure the world's ailing?
not laws that intrude bolshevistically.
"
"now silent, she once was verbose.
she is dumpish; she's sad and morose.
here's her doc's diagnosis:
""a depressive neurosis
any fool could, with ease, diagnose!""
"
"maude's sister complains maude is bossy,
while laura, in maude's eyes, seems dossy.
""maude, you live like a monk!""
""laura, you fall for junk?
yes, your junk food and jewelry?all drossy!""
"
"the drum major led the brass band
as it marched down the strand. understand:
as a rule he was graceful,
but he'd just drunk a caseful
of ale. his performance was panned.
"
"duck-billed dinosaurs lived here on earth
long before homo sapiens' birth.
chewing horsetails  and grasses,
and leaves of all classes,
they thrived and achieved a large girth.
"
"dibothriocephalus?germ?
no, a type of intestinal worm
found in fish-eating beasts,
and in humans whose feasts
contain parasite eggs. yecch! i squirm.
"
"when i stand on a mountain and yell,
what i yelled returns, clear as a bell.
""it's an echo."" they say,
but i answer, ""no way!
it's my evil twin ray, straight from hell.""
"
"i'm edentulous (lost all my teeth),
so i ""chew"" with the gums underneath
where my choppers once thrived.
once your new set's arrived,
your old dentures, to me, please bequeath.
"
"beurre noir is the stuff that is found
in the pan when some butter is browned,
while beurre blanc is a sauce
that if fed to your boss
brings promotion the next time around.
"
"when there's ebb tide, the waters recede
and we glean all the shellfish we need,
but from clamming i learn
that the waters return,
so we'd better collect them with speed.
"
"""nine months pregnant, my life is no frolic.
i've requested a shot that's ecbolic,
inducing my labor,""
said my suffering neighbor,
who'd grown, by degrees, melancholic.
"
"in the fall, when i've sold my whole crop,
and the price hasn't dropped (gone kerflop),
then i make up a list
of the pleasures i've missed?
here's the twist?then i shop till i drop.
"
"don't go writing this creature's obit.
he will thrive and survive to transmit
certain traits (called dysgenic)
that make him asthenic.
it's survival of one who's less fit.
"
"something ebony's black as can be,
like a night that's so dark you can't see,
like the feathers of crows,
or a polar bear's nose,
or the wood of the ebony tree.
"
"when the dodgers forsook ebbets field
(their fine ballpark), we never concealed
our objections. we wailed,
but our blubbering failed.
now, years later, the wound's barely healed.
"
"beatie lost her gold bracelet while sweeping.
i suggested, to quiet her weeping:
""search the dustheap?that mound."" it
was there that she found it.
now it's held in a box for safekeeping.
"
"the colonel was visibly cross.
he would show that young punk who was boss.
""double-time all your men!
i will quote from the zen:
a rolling stone gathers no moss.""
"
"""my opponent's too big. i can't win!""
said the boxer, who cringed with chagrin.
""to feel brave and succeed,
it's dutch courage you need,""
said his coach. ""here's a bottle of gin.""
"
"dwarf pipefish are graceful and slim,
and a pleasure to watch while they swim
in the parlor aquaria
of homes in our area.
but look at them closely?they're grim!
"
"the old anti-commie savant
feared the russians and never would want
us to reach an agreement.
""better dead than red,"" he meant.
he'd veto an east-west d?tente.
"
"dare i dream up?or plan, or invent?
an escape route? my fondest intent
is that soon we'll elope.
here's some rope, and i hope
from the tower you'll make your descent.
"
"he follows an eastwardly trail,
with the sun, as it sets, at his tail.
with no compass, no map,
gps-less, this chap
finds his way to deliver the mail.
"
"george eastman, inventor supreme,
made the taking of photographs seem
just a snap! he would keep
it both easy and cheap?
for the public, no longer a dream.
"
"horses eat up the hay in the stable.
acid eats into flesh (read the label).
waves can eat away land,
we eat in at home, and
we eat out at a burger joint table.
"
"i'd kept money from labor and slavings,
not spending to favor my cravings.
i did so until
i went nuts over jill.
now our dating eats into my savings.
"
"i'm an easterner, born in the east,
like my ancestors (now all deceased).
i have never been west
of new jersey. the rest
of the country's the land of the beast.
"
"we had to imagine their faces
as they went through connubial paces.
married life was confusing,
but always amusing
on the radio show easy aces.
"
"either both of the pair, or one earring
had a habit that wasn't endearing.
when i'd open the case
i'd find just empty space?
not a trace. were the jewels disappearing?
"
"at the shore, water ebbs and it flows.
when it ebbs (tide goes out) the beach grows.
grandpa says the earth's motion
and moon move the ocean,
but grandma just shrugs: ""heaven knows!""
"
"in the morning, at sunrise, drive east,
and the sun glare makes vision decreased,
so a morning ride west
is the jaunt i like best.
going east is the trip i like least.
"
"so your glasses don't fall in your beer,
on each side of your face there's an ear.
ears are useful for hearing
or wearing an earring,
or earphones or headset-type gear.
"
"here's a tribute, dear friends, to the dungfork.
it's a useful but sadly unsung fork.
you may call it a muck-fork,
or see-it-and-duck fork;
it's a tool-with-which-excrement's-flung fork.
"
"when i asked who would help with the dishes,
steve's eagerness made me suspicious.
he cried: ""i'll clear the table!""
and thus he was able
to finish the leftover knishes.
"
"steve eagerly ran to the kitchen.
full of vigor, he said: ""let me pitch in.""
but when leftover food was
all eaten, his mood was
less helpful. he loitered there, bitchin'.
"
"i'm convinced you won't want to say, ""hi, puss!""
to this sweet little mouse, genus dipus.
""i'm no cat!"" it will say,
then go hopping away.
with dismay you will answer, ""bye, bye, puss!""
"
"when i'm bored, going right off my noodle,
i will pick up a pencil and doodle.
little angles and squares
become stairways and chairs;
curves and circles turn into a poodle.
"
"dad and i?we are both libertarian,
while my mom is a firm doctrinarian
with a passion for rules.
she declares we're two fools;
we are anarchists?fractious, barbarian!
"
"a chemistry student, poor yorick
said, ""alas, i feel doomed and dysphoric?
racked my skull on this test;
but i'm gravely depressed.
i've forgotten which compounds are chloric.""
"
"""seen an elephant? what's it like, gail?""
""there's one trunk, and four legs, and one tail.
these protrusions stick out
from a body that's stout
(and another, no doubt, if it's male).""
"
"to extend jennie's splendid summation,
please elucidate?add explanation.
we're all awed to the core,
and we crave to know more.
we look forward to your explication.
"
"once again, jane complains of an earache.
she cries, ""ow! in my ear?a severe ache.""
but she had one last fall
that was nothing at all.
it's her hallmark; we call her our ""rear ache.""
"
"the artist who uses chrome red
is risking exposure to lead.
you'd imagine that paint
should be safe, but this ain't.
use an alternate pigment instead.
"
"your elbow's the joint in your arm.
when you bang it, you start with alarm.
it may help you one day
elbow out of the way
a young pickpocket planning some harm.
"
"brutus ponders: ""i think this eluvium
has entered my villa's compluvium.
such a rock-based dust must
have arrived in a gust,
but it's odorless?not an effluvium.""
"
"mel, the chef at the bellevue hotel,
makes a helluva sauce with duxelles.
mushrooms, onions, and shallots
delight the guests' palates?
beef wellington sells very well!
"
"i go nuts for the double dye test;
of all tests, it's the one i like best.
there's the bladder, ureter,
vagina?what's sweeter??
dyed brightly at patient's behest.
"
"see this rash? it is itchy and red.
""an acute drug eruption,"" doc said,
""from your new asthma pill
that has made you feel ill.
use this handy inhaler instead!""
"
"docudrama, a term categorical,
suits a play with pretensions historical.
thus the late syngman rhee
might be seen on tv
in a bio, that's?well?metaphorical.
"
"these are dust covers draped on your chair
and the sofas that furnish your lair,
when you've gone, on your own,
to explore parts unknown,
and your home is alone?no one's there.
"
"in the dumpster behind my dad's store
we threw garbage and trash and much more.
what the shop couldn't sell
dad would keep for a spell,
then he'd toss it?that's what the thing's for.
"
"papa died; in his coffin he lay.
then his son, baby doc duvalier,
took old papa doc's place,
ruled with equal disgrace,
and was finally ousted. hooray!
"
"my problems i long to unload:
the critics' opinions erode
my self-confidence, eat at
my pride. my defeat at
their hands makes me want to explode.
"
"dutch-elm beetles arrive with the specter
of the death of our elms. they're the vector
for a fungal disease
that destroys all these trees.
there's no drug we can use as protector.
"
"not a member of cults corybantic,
dr. dryasdust wasn't romantic?
a don juan? i think not,
since in books, walter scott
introduced him as ultra-pedantic.
"
"after all of the schooling i've had,
my poetry's really not bad;
what i write isn't trite.
it's morose, so you might
say it's just elegiac?it's sad.
"
"as a woman grows old, it's not rare
that she sprouts, on her chin, facial hair.
electrolysis can
be a part of her plan
to look less like a man?don't despair!
"
"when my wisdom teeth needed extraction
(i'd infection as well as impaction),
seems an antibiotic
made me almost psychotic,
as part of a drug interaction.
"
"a dodger's a trickster who'll stray,
or a pamphlet you may throw away,
or a cornmeal cake, or
a young jock who'll score for
brooklyn's baseball team (now in l.a.).
"
"long ago, certain troops of the czar,
when they found themselves stationed afar,
played this bone-throwing game
with an odd-sounding name.
now in canada, bunnock teams star.
"
"i'm so proud of that nephew of mine.
he's a mensch (as that word i'd define).
ask a question and nate
always answers you straight,
unreserved, all the way, down-the-line.
"
"if a drinker is someone who drinks,
then why is it that everyone thinks
that the beverage he'll choose
is hard liquor?that's booze.
well, for me it's semantics that stinks.
"
"would an architect ever embark
on a building plan (say, on a lark)
with an arch that is broken?
you claim i've misspoken?
it's a sight in a national park?
"
"at his office, i'd knock and then enter
the lair of my botany mentor
when i felt at a loss.
""what's anticous mean, boss?""
""in a flower, it's 'pointing toward center.'""
"
"""april showers,"" a singer may croon,
with a promise of joy coming soon.
he'll remind us that may
isn't too far away
in this silvers/de sylva-penned tune.
"
"at least four different plants make this claim:
dusty miller, they say, is their name.
and two players of fame
who called baseball their game
used the name dusty miller?the same!
"
"stuff from holland we often call dutch,
like their language, and cheeses and such.
while for sauces or glaze
we may say ""hollandaise,""
and the dutch won't complain  very much.
"
"here's a way to achieve immortality:
with a cult of (what else?) personality.
you'll gain fame and acclaim;
we'll all worship your name.
just be shameless, rejecting morality.
"
"some people get peeved over names.
that's what charlie's biographer claims.
the designer charles eames
had conniptions, it seems,
and complained when some folks called him eames.
"
"bertha bender was known for her bustiness.
her breasts roused in men lots of lustiness,
but her husband stayed cool.
""you may think me a fool;
i just watch the guys drool. she has trustiness.""
"
"""is your atelier, sir, fully staffed?""
daphne asked. the couturier laughed.
""you're too young?that seems clear?
to know dressmaking, dear.
it takes years to develop the craft!""
"
"she's a druidess, prophetess, seer.
she predicts what will happen next year.
you're surprised? think it's funny
that she hasn't much money?
she's a bust picking stocks?so i hear.
"
"""what i witnessed,"" ms browning said, frowning,
""was drownage?i saw someone drowning.
thought that kid in the pool
was just acting the fool,
and not choking?just joking,  just clowning.""
"
"his tennis is played with aplomb,
so our fan club would like to salaam
on a website for borg.
we'd prefer a dot-org,
but we can't, so we'll make it dot-com.
"
"after thorough and thoughtful inspection,
i believe the earth warrants protection.
i need no apologist;
i've become an ecologist.
mother nature deserves our affection.
"
"distensibility,  bared with tranquility,
in his girlfriend engenders hostility:
""it is all very well
that your belly can swell,
but to like it's beyond my ability.""
"
"when gramps gave the t-bonds to me,
he was mulching the family tree.
he was not just a loaner,
but a generous donor,
and i am the happy donee!
"
"east bengal first the province was named,
then east pakistan. later reframed
and relabeled afresh,
it is called bangladesh,
and as such it is nowadays famed.
"
"we'd concluded the deal. as a closer,
we shook hands while your partner, a dozer,
took a nap on my couch.
is it true? now that grouch
is a controverter, foe?an opposer?
"
"this dorrfly, i've told you before,
is a dorrbeetle, dor, or a dorr.
when it flies on its own,
we hear noise, like a drone:
not exactly a roar?more a snore.
"
"as we fought to maintain the blockade,
ray was grazed by a wayward grenade.
there was no mutilation,
and the troop's dressing station
was able to give him first aid.
"
"""these damned microbes!"" cried joe with an oath.
""i've got two standard agars; tried both,
but these nasty bacilli
won't grow."" ""don't try chili,
'cause blood agar's best for their growth.""
"
"sally's allergies seemed like a curse;
eating berries made everything worse.
but when strawberries sally ate,
chlorpheniramine maleate
helped her itchy red skin rash reverse.
"
"elude means the same as evade:
to escape due to tricks being played.
bruce's crew was so shrewd
they were never subdued?
left the sheriff dismayed, i'm afraid.
"
"a condylarthrosis, the knee
is a versatile joint, you'll agree,
as its condyles abut,
when you dance or you strut,
or you swim like a fish in the sea.
"
"my design for her fabric was floral.
crested coral roots, though, made her quarrel.
the colors were mellow,
both brownish and yellow,
but my client found orchids immoral.
"
"the occurrence embarrassed the lass.
a banana peel, left where she'd pass,
caused the young maiden's slipping.
the suspense was, well, gripping?
would she handily land on her ass?
"
"this vocation includes exploration
of congenital-type malformation.
it is called dysmorphology,
or else teratology,
and seeks to establish causation.
"
"the doctorfish lives on the reef,
and among many titles, his chief
one is based on sharp rays
they call scalpels. it pays
to avoid them?that's most folks' belief.
"
"jeannie's new electronic machine
sounded just like a drum. mom was mean
as she howled and avowed
that its sound was too loud:
""play it, jean, in your grandpa's latrine.""
"
"i'm afraid i've bad news for you, bud.
see this slide that we made from your blood?
every red cell's a crescent.
though your pain's now quiescent,
you've drepanocytes, bud, in a flood.
"
"in glasgow, a roofer named jeeves
paves the roadways?both tasks he achieves.
for the proof, in this town,
just look up and look down.
he constructs both macadams and eaves.
"
"dutch irises meet these criteria:
1. they're hybrids of plants from iberia
that are called spanish iris.
2. they also inspire us,
with beauty, to floral deliria.
"
"i've objections to double taxation.
for me, it's a form of predation.
when a sale is taxed twice
it increases the price,
and i deem it taxation inflation.
"
"""the dwarf iris? it seems there are two
separate species that differ in hue.
one's a bright golden yellow,
more raucous than mellow;
the other's a deep purplish blue.""
"
"""a drunkard's a fellow who drinks,""
says my mom, and i know what she thinks:
he's imbibing too much?
not of milk, tea, or such.
she means booze, and she means the guy stinks.
"
"antiques roadshow's my vice, i confess.
i've a house full of junk?it's a mess.
i conjecture, with pleasure,
each vase is a treasure
as weekly i watch pbs.
"
"after seeing lamarr's double feature,
we'll head for the drive-in on beecher
and eat fast food cuisine
in my audi, unseen?
so you won't meetcher teacher or preacher.
"
"kate arranged a blind date: ""you'll meet joey.
he's a bit ostentatious and showy,
though his tales won't be bores.
he is seldom outdoors,
so his face may look pasty or doughy.""
"
"immobile (i'd broken my leg),
so for breakfast yvette made me beg.
i discreetly approached
and petitioned for poached.
not hard-boiled?i just sought a dropped egg.
"
"it's a drop shipment: straight to my shop.
from the maker it journeyed, nonstop,
but i pay (i'm the buyer)
a wholesale supplier?
of course, with his mark-up on top.
"
"when your burglar alarm's working well,
you can drive away thieves where you dwell.
different methods you'd use
when you drive away blues,
 but it still means ""drive off,"" or ""dispel.""
"
"diable, in cooking, means ""deviled""?
spicy sauces in which dad had reveled.
he's old now and begs
for spiced ham, deviled eggs;
both his clothes and his taste are disheveled.
"
"what's a dybbuk? the wandering soul
of a dead man, that none can control.
should one stalk you, appeal
to an exorcist; he'll
set you free (for a fee). that's his goal.
"
"now she's dieting, grandma has thinned,
but i fear she appears droopy-skinned,
and she seems to be frightened.
""will it ever get tightened?""
she asks. ""will i stay double-chinned?
"
"bessie's sloppy; she dresses with messiness.
now she's asked me to help her with dressiness
for a dance that is fancy.
the prospects are chancy.
we must first overcome basic bessie-ness.
"
"his lecture on fish wasn't scoring.
drawn-out (extra-long) and so boring?
too much about trout
and of humor a drought?
the talk left his audience snoring.
"
"a clubfooted child born today
will be treated at once?no delay.
twisted feet, once unbearable,
are now quite repairable;
he'll be able to run and to play.
"
"being popular's always a lure
to my sister, who's quite immature.
she follows, with passion,
each fad and each fashion,
and parrots opinions du jour.
"
"their two elytra shield beetles' wings
and protect them from dangerous things.
an elytron's one?
not an elytrum?son.
that old word from antiquity springs.
"
"""see the front of this ancient greek trophy?
it's a scene from a play,"" remarked sophie.
""there two choruses vie;
antistrophic reply
goes from one to the other group's strophe.""
"
"in one tribe in a south asian nation,
some body parts show elongation.
women's brass-ring-bound necks
can attract the male sex,
but the problem's devitalization.
"
"""friend of bill's""?please don't think i'm obssessive
when i say it's a double possessive?
i'm a student of grammar.
though it carries no glamor,
that phrase i find mighty impressive.
"
"this bulletin's just been released:
my son wayne's been ordained as a priest?
yes, a true ecclesiastic.
i know it sounds drastic,
but it's also fantastic. let's feast!
"
"whether people are old or they're young,
they have dust cells that live in each lung
and ingest tiny articles,
like dust or grit particles,
then out through the bronchi are flung.
"
"desinter means ""dig up from the ground.""
disenter has a similar sound.
if you think it's dissenter,
your dissent you may enter?
disagreers will always abound.
"
"as mom's birthday approached, tim was giftless.
not a penny saved up?tim was thriftless.
""get a job, work at night,
or the day shift, you might...""
counseled dad, but in vain?tim was shiftless.
"
"mel would hide in the elephant grass,
where the pachyderms snacked as they'd pass,
but at times he'd emerge
from his place in the verge
with an urge for an african lass.
"
"in brooklyn, no beanery beats
grandpa's flatbush cafe for good eats.
as the patrons he greets,
grandma cooks up the treats,
and completes every meal with her sweets.
"
"i am caught unawares, so i babble,
when i see the old monk: ""who would drabble?
would drag you through muck?
rotten luck! were you stuck
in a gaggle of anti-church rabble?""
"
"""if your ankle is dropsied, it's swelling.
take that word and just alter its spelling;
you get dropseed,"" said mary.
""that's grass on the prairie.
what a difference an e makes?compelling!""
"
"to ignite this explosion, i'll use
this newfangled detonating fuse.
as it's loaded, god knows,
at my signal, it blows,
so my blast will go off when i choose.
"
"my cardiorespiratory ills
cost a fortune?each week i buy pills
for my lungs and my heart.
if i really were smart,
i would live like a fish and use gills.
"
"as he dizzyingly climbed to the top
of a roof with a hundred-foot drop,
bert declared, ""i'm vertiginous!
send a sherpa, indigenous
to nepal?or else call me a cop!""
"
"you may elevate workers with praise,
with a compliment?just the right phrase,
and their mood you'll improve,
but much more with a move
that will grant a promotion and raise.
"
"it was just affectation when jane
sauntered, elegantly sporting a cane
with a gem-studded top.
then she tripped on it?flop!
now she needs one for real?she's in pain.
"
"the doge was a leader, elected
chief magistrate?seldom rejected
by his subjects in venice,
except as a menace,
of dreadful misconduct suspected.
"
"diachrony: studying change
in a language, displayed in a range
of new trends through the years.
different grammar appears;
shifts in spelling may also seem strange.
"
"we've been criticized lots. here's the latest,
from a source that we'd though was the straightest:
we're charged with elitism!
did it lead to defeatism?
not a bit! we still know we're the greatest!
"
"simon boccanegra: it's got
a meandering, serpentine plot,
but five lines??not enough
to explain all that stuff?
just believe me; you'll like it a lot.
"
"i'm not planning to cast an aspersion,
but i cannot resist controversion.
i insist it's not true?
your absurd ballyhoo
that your alley cat pooh is a persian.
"
"the polymath johann c. dippel
had talents?not double, but triple:
theologian and doc
and an alchemist crock,
his contentions caused many a ripple.
"
"my wife bought a tiny new car.
its compactedness seems quite bizarre?
getting in's a tight fit;
on the gas tank you sit.
it's like jamming your ass in a jar.
"
"this applicant cheats by design.
adding sugar, he'd chaptalize wine.
he'd mix rayon with silk
and add water to milk.
chief, you've hired him already? that's fine!
"
"the medical student's last thesis,
on the skin during diaphoresis,
states medicinal oils
can prevent ugly boils;
thus can athletes avoid empyesis.
"
"at first, i thought: ""wow! a mirage?
see that plane? it has no empennage!""
but without any tail,
the plane crashed in a dale,
and i'm writing this sad reportage.
"
"mr. lincoln, who wore a high hat,
unaware but about to die, sat
in his box. he was shot.
it was part of a plot
by an actor?we can't deny that!
"
"her cartoon shows the doc fat and spheric,
pushing snake oil. we found it satiric.
when doc saw it, he threw
out this threat: ""i will sue!
i'm no quack. i'm no hack, no empiric!""
"
"i demanded my money emphatically.
the agent replied bureaucratically:
""don't go postal, my friend.
you'll be paid in the end?
maybe next year."" he smiled enigmatically.
"
"duodenum: the part of your gut
where your stomach unloads itself, but
that acid expulser
can cause a deep ulcer,
requiring a surgeon to cut.
"
"to dulce is to make something sweet.
it's an old-fashioned word, but it's neat.
dulce your pears; it won't hurt,
and they'll serve as dessert.
cook and dulce any fruit?it's a treat!
"
"though i live near the lovely caribbean,
for a husband i chose a namibian.
on an african road
i encountered a toad;
now i'm married to joad, an amphibian.
"
"employe: this word seems to me
so bizarre.  how'd this form come to be?
finding workmen at ease,
did old scratch say: ""puh-leez!
i will chop off their word's final e.""?
"
"our ad was from heaven?empyreal.
the imagery used was ethereal:
as celestial harps quivered,
this line it delivered:
""for breakfast, try toasty oat cereal!""
"
"i'm in sales and i often use hype,
so in letters i give guy to type,
i request double-spacing.
but guy's not embracing
this style?lines look cramped?that's my gripe!
"
"the term elephant ear may sound cute,
but it's not for the leaf; it's the fruit
of the tree from which came
this ridiculous name?
and the fruit is a beaut.  it's a hoot!
"
"the dropwort, with buds white and pink,
is related to roses, i think,
but i'll clearly rejoice
if you give me a choice?
as a gift i would rather have mink.
"
"dysesthesia: feeling of burning
in your skin; touch will cause its returning.
disordered sensations
engender frustrations
and pain; for relief you'll be yearning.
"
"""dancing nude on the ledge?such depravity!
ben, we're all of us subject to gravity.
you'll fall earthward (that's down),""
said ms. brown with a frown,
""hit the ground and create a large cavity.""
"
"this mephitis?it's hard to escape 'er.
here's a mask to protect from the vapor.
pulp with chemicals treated,
and thoroughly heated,
is used in the making of paper.
"
"to my father, i seem like a sequel,
not better than?not even equal!
with envy i'm tremulous;
i strive, 'cause i'm emulous.
in the end, folks should think he's my prequel.
"
"cousin jay gave a crazy oration,
maintaining our planet's salvation
will depend on its loss
of the whole of its moss.
he explains that it needs emuscation!
"
"keep your shirt on, be cool, and don't panic;
keep calm, in control, and not manic.
each beet used must be
bug and chemical-free?
yes, the borscht you just slurped was organic.
"
"as a gift, ted sent saltwater taffy
for my birthday?so worthless; so  draffy!
how could someone so raffish
send crap that's so draffish?
but i love him and laugh?guess i'm daffy.
"
"i claim roofer maloof made a goof.
all the draintiles were left off my roof.
now the rainstorms cause muddles:
i'm pestered by puddles.
he's a doofus?my problems are proof!
"
"watch me draw this stick figure?a man?
as a symbol for m. thus began,
making use of acrology
(a simple technology),
my write-a-new-alphabet plan.
"
"at the jogger, i fear, i was peering
as he ran along singing and cheering.
through the earbuds he wore,
he heard music; what's more,
what he heard no one else could be hearing.
"
"visit ireland?the ""emerald isle"";
you'll find greenery, mile after mile.
see its capital, dublin;
you won't find it troublin'.
you'll smile and drink stout, jackeen-style.
"
"cousin jules bought a new molly mule.
he himself cut her tail off?the fool!
now she can't whisk off flies. it
was dumb. he denies it:
""to me, crop-tailed mules look so cool!""
"
"""the beach picnic,"" said dick, ""will be peachless.""
so i thought, but he really said beachless,
as a storm that hit land
washed away all the sand.
i was dumbfounded, stunned?i was speechless!
"
"once considered a measure to quell a
world famine, the tiny chlorella?
an alga to feed
populations in need?
can't escape, as it's lacking flagella.
"
"my circle's well-known exclusivity
made her angry. she showed a proclivity
to use curse words and swear,
but my friends didn't care;
they dismissed her extreme emotivity.
"
"durabolin: drug that i'm hoping
you won't think of using for coping.
i've read some reports
that in several sports
some competitors use it for doping.
"
"as a poorly-paid chemotaxonomist,
my income would shock an economist.
seems like ranking biota
by their chemical quota
won't pay. i'll become a bionomist.
"
"here's some good information to share:
if you find the plant dogbane, take care.
it's got powerful poison
that can kill girls and boys 'n'
dispatch your old mare, so beware!
"
"a good housewife will leave your rooms dustless,
and your wrought-iron furniture rustless,
but a wife who's obsessive
makes cleaning oppressive.
might a home that is spotless be lustless?
"
"the new acolyte shows us his aptness
to follow our guru with raptness.
he's joined ashrams before;
is this, well, just one more?
he fits in with a pleasing adaptness.
"
"the eighteenth amendment? its mission
was to cast out strong drink: prohibition.
but it failed, we are told,
'cause the speakeasies sold
bootleg booze. they became a tradition.
"
"a jury will often acquit
unless the state's able to knit
a case so nonpareil
the defense might as well
just plead guilty, confess, and admit.
"
"a diverb's this kind of a saying:
two opposite thoughts it's conveying.
""make hay in the sun,
but it's rather more fun,
with your hon, to go rolling than haying.""
"
"""there's an ear tag,"" said lynne with a grin,
""a vestigial flap made of skin,
right in front of your ear.""
i replied, ""it looks queer.
will it ever grow down to my chin?""
"
"our new flat is so cozily nidulated
that my wife made me jump when she stridulated.
she is normally placid,
but she screeched, ""too much acid!
my gravy's destroyed?too acidulated!""
"
"what's emplastic is viscous or gluey.
as a noun, though, the word's a bit screwy,
as it means ""medication
to cause constipation.""
'twill make your poor colon go flooey.
"
"though i struggled to make a connection,
katie only showed strong disaffection.
her utter estrangement
made any arrangement
the subject for further rejection.
"
"""the elixir of life,"" dippel claimed,
was this ill-smelling bone oil. it's named
for that alchemist who
sure could carbonize too.
but his faking? he should feel ashamed.
"
"the sacristy south of the bema
in an old christian church? it would seem a
diaconicon would
be a place that you could
store the treasures the priest might deem prima.
"
"for a thanksgiving feast we were meetin',
and we all, on our diets, were cheatin'.
how we gobbled those yams,
roasted turkeys, baked hams!
in a jiffy the food was all eaten.
"
"i petitioned the goddess athena
to send me a live amphisbaena.
she replied from her stoa:
""here's a nice rosy boa?
from baja, and genus charina.""
"
"for her do-gooding, flo is well-known;
lots of ""causes""  she's made all her own,
and to save just one pig
makes my cousin feel big?
lady bountiful, queen on her throne.
"
"i can feel others' pain. theoretically
that should make me behave empathetically,
but inside me, joy bubbles
when a friend bares his troubles,
so i try to act sorry, mimetically.
"
"dy-o-med-ee-a? dy-o-med-ee-a?
say it this way or that; still 'twill be a
giant bird of the ocean.
linnaeus's notion
(one genus) was no panacea.
"
"when a formerly prosperous nation,
due to drought, is reduced to starvation,
food donations will soar.
sharing stores will be for
just as long as need lasts?the duration.
"
"when arithmetic meacham would teach,
the example he'd use was a peach:
""if you pay your first cousin
three dollars a dozen,
how much are you paying for each?""
"
"who was right? who was wrong? be the judge.
all our workers sat down, wouldn't budge.
""boss, your donkey work rules
are more suited to mules,""
one declared. ""i no longer will drudge.""
"
"mad as hell, i gave vera an earful
of gripes, and the girl became tearful.
though i made an apology,
i'm afraid the psychology
of my rant made her chronically fearful.
"
"""what's a buttress?"" asked junior. ""i'm trying
to define it,"" i answered him, sighing.
""well, it holds up a wall
so a building won't fall.""
he replied, ""then how come some are flying?""
"
"the brattice: a structure you'll find
in the places where iron is mined.
when correct indications
exist, ventilation's
controlled when the planks are aligned.
"
"dyer's woodruff may cause some disputes
as i seek a red dye for my boots.
a rival of madder,
it's high on the ladder
of natural dyes. use its roots.
"
"""i'm embarrassed, abashed, blushing red,""
aunt emily shamefacedly said
when one morning, a friend
went and filmed her rear end?
it was auntie em bare-assed in bed.
"
"this month ends the year?it's december,
and much colder than june or september,
but my friend in peru
says, ""it's warmer here. you
live above the equator, remember?""
"
"this history chapter, succinct,
says the spaniards and celts were once linked,
and their tongue?celtiberian?
was it much like sumerian?
heaven knows, as today it's extinct.
"
"that new saleslady? wow, how she's stacked,
and her pheromones made me react.
my approach, chemotactic,
produced a climactic
encounter. thus soul mates attract.
"
"he was called alexander the great,
and an empire he sought to create,
as from indus to nile,
greek language and style
spread for mile upon mile in each state.
"
"eat your heart out: this idiom's funny.
it means: ""hey! you can envy me, honey.
got that role in the play
that you wanted. great pay!
i'll have groupies, celebrity, money.""
"
"anacathartic: it means
if you take it you'll spill all your beans.
i don't mean that you'll prate;
you'll throw up all you ate?
you will vomit all over your jeans.
"
"said the salesman: ""please don't think it brash
if i favor this plant, downy ash
(an american tree),
though it's small, as you see.
let me sell you one?plastic or cash?""
"
"is it true? we have all heard the rumor
that the president's chosen chuck schumer
to serve as emcee
at his roast. can it be?
yes, the guy's got a good sense of humor.
"
"the critic had seemed altruistic
till i read his report, dysphemistic.
""this smearer of paint
shows,"" he wrote, ""no restraint.""
(momma tells me my work is artistic.)
"
"""what's dispensatory?"" sneered the old cynic.
""one meaning's  a charity clinic.
the other's a book
in which charlatans look
to find nostrums with labels latinic.""
"
"many parents hope teenagers shun
having sex (though the kids find it fun),
feeling god really meant
that the age of consent
should be somewhere around twenty-one.
"
"drooping juniper's called weeping cedar.
look it up in your botany reader.
we can jump in my lexus
and find some in texas
or order on line from a breeder.
"
"my friend kit isn't dainty or pretty,
but she's never the object of pity.
all who know her admit
this description is fit:
she's hilarious?eminently witty.
"
"how to commigrate? here's the straight poop:
you must travel along with a group,
like the scouts who march forth,
or the geese who fly north,
or a touring theatrical troupe.
"
"while we're sitting around in our club, ya
might try?or out there in a pub, ya
might give me a push?
to rhyme george w. bush,
who was known to the voters as dubya.
"
"i write nicely, but lack the perfection
that's required in the jury's selection
for a pulitzer prize.
will you help me revise?
here's my manuscript, sent for connection correction.
"
"only men undergo prostatectomies,
while women may have hysterectomies,
but they both, like as not,
risk a dire post-op clot,
and the need for acute embolectomies
"
"when you look at a notched, crenate leaf
(whether solo or part of a sheaf)
from a tree or a hedge,
just examine its edge:
it looks scalloped, to put it in brief.
"
"i've accepted my fate with humility.
to attempt to escape it? futility!
my two ma degrees
won't improve my strip tease,
but the job has, at least, bearability.
"
"they were chilblained last winter?my feet?
and they hurt when i walked down the street.
so inflamed were my toes
from the cold, heaven knows,
they were frigid and hard as concrete.
"
"though our country is still a protectorate,
we've an active and vocal electorate.
the slate they select
at the polls, i expect,
will reject our protector's inspectorate.
"
"the word dullness, up next for exploring,
means ""a trait that can make us say 'boring!'""
but it also means ""dumbness""
(intellectual numbness),
or that color is muted, not roaring.
"
"when it's raining without much cessation,
we often have overhydration
of the soil, and then matter
will travel and scatter.
the process is called eluviation.
"
"i'm never a shirker or skirter
of work, but a great disconcerter
is my flop with computers,
in spite of my tutors.
i'd fail as a data converter!
"
"the boss, we all saw with surprisedness,
approached this new deal with advisedness,
but so overly cautious,
the staff felt quite nauseous.
his carefulness brought him despisedness.
"
"said my cousin who comes from bulgaria:
""here's a plant that won't live in aquaria.
it's from europe, i know,
but in texas you grow
it for fodder. it's called alfileria.""
"
"papa doc duvalier was a haitian
who ran the entire island nation.
though his absolute rule
was both ruthless and cruel,
from his people he sought adoration.
"
"when the boss issued disinformation,
our whole workforce expressed detestation?
that's abhorrence and loathing?
for this wolf in wolf's clothing
who delights in his staff's consternation.
"
"my childbirth was slow?i assume
that i've got a dysfunctional womb?
the most listless dystocia
in all nova scotia:
discomfort, exhaustion, and gloom.
"
"it's an insect that some people fear.
they imagine it pierces your ear
to lay eggs in your brain.
superstition's a pain?
such weird stories of earwigs we hear!
"
"constantine strove to create
lots of change in his empire's fate.
he approved christianity
with striking humanity?
is that why we call him the great?
"
"when we wed, ted dressed cardinally?red.
it was stylish and smart (so he said).
then he cardinally sinned
and i feel so chagrined
that i no longer sleep in his bed.
"
"can you abrogate wills?  i'm revoking
my testament.  offspring are choking.
i am leaving them poor.
said my daughter, ""now you're
almost certainly, horribly joking!""
"
"easter sundays, to church dee would go
and she'd sing ""christ is risen,"" although
that immense easter dinner
was the only thought in her?
""'twas god,"" auntie said, ""made me so.""
"
"uncle manny, who crafted machinery
for gardeners growing their greenery,
made mowers?a dozen
fine models. my cousin
says his output was thus duodenary.
"
"""here in waco, what's said by plain folk
when a bone in two places is broke?""
""double fracture we say,
in our quaint texan way,""
shot back kay to the bigoted bloke.
"
"i am confident dad never shall
forget what to call this locale
where a tumor once grew?
left his right eye askew?
in his skull; it's dorello's canal.
"
"when i'm giving a public address,
i put emphasis on what i stress,
and my method of choice
is by raising my voice,
though it causes distress, i confess.
"
"if you ever are asked to define
this anatomy term, don't decline,
as a fine phrase of mine'll
explain dorsispinal:
it means ""of the back and the spine.""
"
"when aunt sadie arrives at the station,
she's banished. ""we bar relocation
to sayville,"" she's told,
""if you're female and old!""
sadie's suit i call antidiscrimination.
"
"as a poet, my work's just begun,
but quotidian subjects i shun.
if i make lots of money an'
my work is called donnean?
i'll smile, 'cause i write like john donne.
"
"cacciatore of chicken or veal
makes a filling and nourishing meal.
when it's served with a smile
in a true hunter's style,
it's a deal that's appealing, for real!
"
"teach miss schmead how to read? that's futility,
as she hasn't the mental agility,
cannot tell a from b,
and is now eighty three.
i'm afraid she lacks educability.
"
"when accused of unlawful purpresture,
ginnie jones made a generous gesture.
she surrendered the lot
to the public. that's what
came about through her total divesture.
"
"she's with child, and her blood pressure's high,
and she's having convulsions?oh, my?
she's eclamptic. i swear
she needs medical care.
i'm afraid the young lady may die!
"
"in my room at the inn, the sign said:
""absolutely no croaking in bed!""
i assumed they were joking
or misspelled the word smoking,
but their dread was to find a guest dead.
"
"""chalcid flies!"" cried an arthropod critic.
""their habits are damned parasitic:
they lay eggs neath prey's hide;
larvae dine from inside.
can't deny?that sounds awfully pruritic!""
"
"so you tell me the docs didn't cure ya?
now they say that you've got alkaluria?
blood that's basic will spell
high ph?found as well,
in your urine?or so they assure ya.
"
"""flying buttresses, high gothic style,
grace cathedrals,"" i said with a smile.
""though the church walls are thin,
their high vaults don't fall in,
and their stones don't end up in a pile.""
"
"if in scotland you happen to be,
see a city that's pretty?dundee,
on the fair firth of tay
(water silvery grey)
that flows out to the chilly north sea.
"
"when your father shows signs of  dementia,
you may wonder what kind. differentia
are hard to detect,
but your dad's life is wrecked,
as his intellect seems in absentia.
"
"bette davis, a hollywood queen,
played dozens of parts on the screen?
a girl in her youth,
a hag, long in the tooth?
and in truth, bette stole every scene.
"
"in the dustbin we toss all our trash,
including dead fireplace ash.
now we've signed up a dustman,
a truly robust man,
to gather and dump it (for cash).
"
"what's next in our botany class is
elymus, a genus of grasses,
also known as wildrye.
on our final, let's try
to be certain that everyone passes.
"
"those without enough victuals to satiate
their needs, over time, will emaciate.
they will starve and grow thin.
if their trust you would win,
gifts of foodstuffs will help to ingratiate.
"
"the dwarf elder, herbaceous, remains
a plant that connects to the danes?
so folkloric tales tell?
and its very bad smell?
to the battlefield stench it pertains.
"
"i hear constant complaints from my spouse
who despises our new duplex house,
says the neighbors upstairs
scrape the floors with their chairs.
but we'll stay and i'll let the louse grouse!
"
"drepanididae: birds that are swell?
brightly colored, hawaiian as well.
they're a subset of finch,
and i hope you won't flinch
when i tell you they're likely to smell.
"
"""the elephant bird? yes, it's linked
to the ratites,"" said fink; then he winked.
""it's the world's largest bird;
stands ten feet?so i've heard.
but, my word, now i think they're extinct.""
"
"hal's phallus, in wretched condition,
stays erect and requires emollition.
he requests medication
to achieve relaxation
and alter its awkward position.
"
"the future may truly be dismal
when harm to the brain's embolismal.
it's hard work and no joke
to recover; a stroke
can cause problems that seem cataclysmal.
"
"""i'm reacting with horror, recoilment,
to the looting?the utter despoilment?
of this innocent town,""
said our chief, with a frown.
""now we're caught in an awful embroilment.""
"
"i'll embosom my child; i'll enclose
and i'll shelter him?save him from foes.
while i foster and cherish
the boy, he won't perish.
i'll nurture my son while he grows.
"
"""i've a sculpture in clay for my garden,""
wrote mark. ""it's of hector, the dardan.""
though his script's a bit garbled,
seems he wants it emmarbled;
to survive out-of-doors, it must harden.
"
"the printing press clink made me think:
were its pieces all running in sync?
then i asked my instructor,
""sir, which part's the ductor?""
""it's the gadget that feeds in the ink.""
"
"what's done creditably brings acclamation
to the folks who pass state legislation.
passing marriage for gays
would bring credit and praise?
and a liberal-left reputation.
"
"as her new green chapeau lotte doffed,
she said, ""look, it's so lustrous and soft,
out of duvetyn made
in this lovely jade shade
by my milliner, up in his loft.""
"
"jennie's dovelike; she's sinless and gentle.
as my nanny, she's semi-parental,
but unlike mom and dad,
she won't shout, ""tad, you're bad!""
when i break things, she says, ""accidental.""
"
"""where've you been?"" jamie answered with shame,
as his heart was aflame for a dame,
""first i drove to her house; then
she called me a louse; then
i just drove around with no aim.""
"
"duodecimfid? think of a year
that's composed of twelve months?that is clear?
and the  famed aa creed
(which you someday may need),
and your intake?two six-packs of beer.
"
"i'm searching for work emolumental.
due to several events, accidental,
all my funds have been spent,
so i can't pay the rent,
and my landlord's not known to be gentle.
"
"""our new logo,"" cried hattie, emphatical,
""needs a symbol, but not one aquatical.
we raise dogs; use a puppy,
you fool, not a guppy.
a canine's much more emblematical.""
"
"first the general sharpened his blade.
then he turned to his aide and he bade
that he start persecution
of every confucian.
crusade? no, a troop dragonnade.
"
"said a birthday-cake maker named randall,
""i've a problem i can't seem to handle.
when she helps with the cakes,
my new girlfriend's hand shakes?
to my wife she just can't hold a candle.""
"
"jay was famous and proud; life was glittering
until his indictment for littering.
""let the public exult!""
he declared. the result:
jay's empoisonment?yes, his embittering.
"
"in athens, great dipylon gate
has an ancient and pre-christian date.
its design, which is double,
spared the city much trouble?
invaders could there meet their fate.
"
"this applicant moves with agility.
well muscled, he glows with virility.
just his glance can unhinge
and make  gate-crashers cringe.
as a bouncer? complete employability.
"
"this particular tree, so i'm told,
every autumn, has leaves of pure gold.
it is called the brown ash.
i can always use cash,
so i'll buy one wherever they're sold.
"
"eating meat, dee's been overindulgent.
she feels ill; we'll provide an emulgent.
in a really short while
she'll secrete lots of bile.
then she'll beam with a smile that's effulgent.
"
"this new catheter, doc, please inspect.
double-channel, it lets you inject
via one side?remove
on the other. approve?
yes, two channels?infuse and collect.
"
"mom and dad say my boyfriend is hirable:
""at his labors, he's nearly untirable,
and his smile gets five stars.
it's a help selling cars.
as a salesman your guy is desirable.""
"
"our uprising's highest priority
is granting the masses authority.
we aim to empower
the people. they're our
great hope?the blue-collar majority.
"
"about junior we're now optimistic.
his thinking's no longer simplistic.
what he sees and he hears
form his concepts. dad cheers:
""no more daydreams; his  work's empiristic.""
"
"a woman who wore a cimar
didn't wear that loose robe in a car.
she lit candles at night,
or an oil lamp for light,
and used coaches when traveling far.
"
"you admire myron's plants? they're not ferns;
they are burn plants, but have no concerns,
as in spite of their name,
they won't burst into flame?
but their juice is of use treating burns.
"
"we are all of us singing a dirge
for our neighbor who felt a great urge
to make nostrums from weeds.
he pressed oil from its seeds,
and then died of a purge from dwarf spurge.
"
"on the new coat of arms on my shield,
a cross-crosslet, you say, is revealed.
has one cross become four?
or perhaps there's one more?
either number a crosslet can yield.
"
"from these shrubs i have picked a large stack:
highbush huckleberries?purplish black,
and delightfully edible.
their flavor's incredible
in a pie, or with cream, as a snack.
"
"the pedant displayed condescension
when he spoke at the surgeons' convention.
his de haut en bas air
caused his colleagues to swear,
incensed by his phony pretension.
"
"that young kitten's deformed, dysgenetic.
it can't nurse very well?how pathetic!
its mom doesn't strive
to keep it alive.
the survivors are born energetic.
"
"said aunt deedee, ""my dear, help me, please.
i am shopping for bras and can't squeeze
into b cups or cs,
and not even these ds!""
""i can find some,"" i offered, ""with es.""
"
"when a hunter harpoons them, they thrash a lot.
they're so huge, one would think they would crash a lot,
but though large, these sperm whales
steer quite well with their tails?
so it's whaling that threatens the cachalot.
"
"a man who develops dysphasia
may jumble his words; that's aphrasia.
though his speech is impaired,
other functions are spared.
he can walk, so he hasn't abasia.
"
"said my wife to the ticket exchanger:
""i won't compromit (meaning ""endanger"")
my child just to go
to this hot broadway show,
as i won't leave the tot with a stranger.""
"
"""cement mixer,"" it went, ""putty putty.""
this song that was just a bit nutty
for a while was a fad?
ask your mom and your dad.
it was cute, they'll recall, and not smutty.
"
"baron basil has started a hassle.
all us freemen he plans to envassal.
that would make me a serf,
forced to work on his turf.
(serf and turf both belong to his castle.)
"
"without her i couldn't exist.
her future and mine i'll entwist,
i'll entangle, entwine;
if our lives we combine,
down the line we'll be fine?i insist.
"
"in my chem lab, upstairs in the attic,
the compounds i find enzymatic
can speed a reaction,
yet not face subtraction;
not a fraction. it's true. i'm emphatic!
"
"it's an old-fashioned word, but i try
to make use of this verb: i envie,
yes, i strive, i compete
with the man in the street
to be most obsolete?god knows why.
"
"let us cheer with a ""hip, hip, hooray!""
for our friends in the great epa.
their main contribution
is fighting pollution,
every day, every way?so they say.
"
"each agent attempts to enable
advancement for those in his stable,
believing each actor
a major attractor
like gable, or bogart, or grable.
"
"i asked santa to leave me a cool bag
when he came christmas eve with his yule bag?
a new purse with some bling!
what did kris kringle bring?
just a sack?for cold milk in my schoolbag!
"
"on the bay we are planning to sail.
to go trolling, we're using a drail?
that's a hook that is weighted,
a gadget created
to nail us some fish without fail.
"
"my boyfriend just bought us a chess board,
but for me it's a major distress board.
when he bellows out: ""checkmate,""
my life is a wreck, mate.
i'll complain to the dating redress board.
"
"at age eighty, my sins i repented;
i lamented and then felt contented.
since that day i've forgotten
those deeds that were rotten,
but i'm saved (though i'm somewhat demented).
"
"on easy street, folks always say,
life is sweet; there's a treat every day.
but it's not heaven-sent;
i've discovered there's rent?
in the end, there's the devil to pay.
"
"though it won't tell the temp or humidity,
acidimetrically checking acidity
of the rain that collects
helps us judge the effects
of pollution, with utmost validity.
"
"seems i pay for each date; that's too much,
as you're leaning on me?i'm a crutch.
let's continue to see
one another, but, gee,
we can each pay for half; we'll go dutch.
"
"what's my favorite drink? it's draft beer.
it's a beverage without any peer.
i may beg or just ask
for a keg, or a cask,
or a barrel?then carol and cheer.
"
"""too much homework is making me weary.
tonight it's on cellular theory:
from germ cells all creatures
develop their features.""
""what? we start out as germs? man, that's eerie!""
"
"at the government office arriving,
to apply for a license for driving,
i stay calm and unstressed
and arrange for my test.
for a rapid approval i'm striving.
"
"the bolsheviks' color was red.
their revolt, which was brought to a head
when they murdered czar nikolas,
formed a ridikolas
state?so the white russians said.
"
"to teach hand-washing (methods ablutionary),
there's no need for great skills elocutionary.
keep your words clear and plain;
in your job you'll remain
without pain from a change substitutionary.
"
"my new girlfriend i'd like you to rate.
we'll go skating! a great double date:
you and vi, kate and i.
though she's shy, kindly try.
your opinion of  kate i await.
"
"to the press this sad tale is disclosable:
my complaint, you say's not diagnosable.
you can't name the disease
that i caught in belize
and just claim, ""well, we're all decomposable!""
"
"the prelims, i'm told, are quatridual?
with four separate matches dividual.
if i play in them all,
running after the ball,
i'll be spent, with no vigor residual.
"
"in my book, there's a list, alphabetical,
of the drugs i have found are emetical.
any one of the bunch
makes me throw up my lunch,
and i've tried them?it's not theoretical.
"
"he's a spry and old-fashioned magician,
and his specialty act's disparition.
while the audience cheers,
the old goat disappears,
then returns to his former position.
"
"teacher potts taught his second grade tots
how to utilize little black spots.
when their words have all stopped,
but their thoughts aren't quite dropped,
they can show it with three little ...
"
"from plato we learned the socratic
style of teaching that seldom is static.
later on, aristotle
would teach at full throttle
to friends in talks acroamatic.
"
"creatophagous, ed's son likes meat.
""it's nutritious, and all that i eat.""
he declares, ""when i've dined
with my sister, i find
eating carrots i feel like a cheat.""
"
"diaphanie (once, it had class)
was the process of faking stained glass
with translucent-type papers.
this fake art-glass caper's
infrequently used now, alas.
"
"dwarf chestnut trees grow where it's dry
and, most often, don't  grow very high.
when their growth is complete
they may stand just six feet.
you can eat the brown nuts they supply.
"
"if you spurn our french journey, we won't
shoot our movie in joinville-le-pont.
there the prices are cheap;
here in brooklyn, they're steep,
so i weep and beseech you: ""please don't!""
"
"you may seek them along the great lakes;
they grow close to the ground, and that makes
the dwarf bilberry more
likely bypassed before
it is noticed, and watch out for snakes!
"
"i'm a critic, i fear, and reprover
of principal hoover's maneuver.
a sexist discriminator,
he's now the eliminator
of our budget?a dance class remover.
"
"my attempt to be clear and exact:
elix means the same as ""extract.""
if a dot we affix,
the resulting elix.
means ""elixir"" to druggists, in fact.
"
"when jen's husband went out on a bender,
this event would routinely engender
both disgust and dismay.
when he got home ok,
she'd surrender?excuse the offender.
"
"in his bakery, long, long ago,
my old grandpa said: ""money brings woe.
filthy lucre, ill-gotten,
can turn your life rotten.
make bread; that's the best kind of dough!""
"
"yes, i wed him without prejudicialness,
then enjoyed married life's sweet initialness.
thus i learned wedlock would
produce nothing but good.
be assured: marriage brings beneficialness.
"
"the gossip jed heard was quite spreadable,
as its story was perfectly credible.
ted was found in the bed
of the queen. now it's said
he feels terror; his future is dreadable.
"
"momma's poodle shows no inhibition.
ringing bells prompt a predisposition
to dribble and drool,
in a reflex?uncool?
so her dog we must now decondition.
"
"though there's sex, there is not too much glamour on
the pages that form the decameron.
ten young folk with abhorrence
of plague, who fled florence,
tell tales (with their very best grammar on).
"
"durational means ""of duration""?
length of time from the start to cessation?
like the time that it takes
till my birthday cake bakes,
or the wait for a train at the station.
"
"when the mighty chief justice took power,
we doubted press freedom would flower.
he ran the court dominantly?
his decrees covered prominently.
how sad to see editors cower!
"
"think of duck hawk; consider each word.
not a duck that eats hawks?that's absurd?
but a falcon that plucks
from the air flying ducks.
and it hunts mammals too; what a bird!
"
"the opera on faust (his damnation)
tells the tale of a scholar's temptation.
though his fate is alarming,
mephisto is charming,
and gretchen is promised salvation.
"
"last night an electrical storm
raged intensely, outside of our dorm.
it was terribly frightening?
our room hit by lightning?
but the fire that ensued kept us warm.
"
"said the chubby comedian pat:
""seems my diet would suit mrs. sprat.
though its taste may be sipid,
it drives up blood lipid.
dyslipidemia?that's where i'm at.""
"
"buddy wondered what, during the night
(between bedtime and dawning's first light),
caused his skin's itchy bump.
sally said, ""you're a chump.
we've got bedbugs, and that is a bite.""
"
"caveman dana, a bit of a hellion,
decided to start a rebellion,
but his wife said: ""you're looney.
your weapons are puny?
two clubs and a hand axe that's chellean.""
"
"like prince hamlet encountering yorick
in a grave, i am feeling dysphoric.
i feel bad?don't know why?
i just sit here and  cry,
but, alas, i say nothing historic.
"
"the new basketball player's a hunk,
and he just made a lovely slam-dunk.
it's a stuff shot, a dunk shot,
a jump-and-kerplunk shot.
now let's all have a ball and get drunk.
"
"some exclaim that it's stupid or lame
when they first see a double-barrelled name?
it's just too highfalutin.
that view i'm disputin':
think joliot-curie and think fame.
"
"roman emperors ruled and were grand;
through their power, their wealth they'd expand.
i must copy my hero?
yes, emulate nero?
if only i'd troops to command.
"
"he's an englishman, born down in devon,
sent to france at the age of eleven.
when homesick, he broods
on his favorite foods?
says that bangers and mash would be heaven.
"
"to discern deena's meaning i tried:
""oh, my boa's,"" she'd sighed, ""double-dyed.""
i inquired, to be nice,
""did your snake drop dead twice?""
""no, my stole's two-times-tinted,"" she cried.
"
"not a capital city, chowchilla
isn't famous, like rome or manila,
but a horrible crime
made it known for a time:
kidnapped kids, buried van?what a thrilla!
"
"after fires, there's an arson inspection
of the premises, section by section.
dilapidation alone
won't cause fire on its own,
so the claim may encounter rejection.
"
"i was dizzy. the cause seemed exotic:
a virus infection, entotic
(inside of my ear).
couldn't balance or hear,
or be helped by an antibiotic.
"
"early on were these methods debuting.
they're biotechnological: doing
with plants such as yeast
what seemed magic, at least,
when first beer from mashed grain men were brewing.
"
"pain on swallowing?sal was dysphagic.
momma said: ""mio figlio, that's tragic.""
but his doc said: ""it's gerd.""
now sal's treated, i've heard,
and he eats mom's lasagna?it's magic!
"
"her time limit, speedily nearing
on the quiz show, left stephanie fearing
she'd lose. she felt queasy,
but the question was easy:
""what's an eardrop?"" ""a pendant-type earring!""
"
"will an addict get high swigging eardrops,
or get sick, and produce lots of teardrops?
i'd suggest that he choose
to get high drinking booze.
save the meds for an earache?they're dear drops.
"
"after pinching the boss, i was canned;
it was done by my alien hand!
man, it's out of control,
and it's taking its toll?
these damned aliens ought to be banned.
"
"see the ulcer in fido's right eye?
well, it scared me. i feared he might die,
descemetocele's what
the new vet says he's got.
with these drops, it will heal by and by.
"
"the king's offspring i mean to disprince
(bring him down), but i'll have to convince
the king's council he's bad,
and would poison his dad?
just the thought makes his majesty wince.
"
"lots of heartbreak was suffered within
the sector they called east berlin.
many people would fall
as they challenged the wall
that divided these folks from their kin.
"
"many insects i saw when i gardened
were beetles with wing cases hardened.
such an elytroid shell
can protect very well;
if it slows down their flight, it is pardoned.
"
"""i've a twinge in the fauces?that situs.
could it possibly be diphtheritis?""
""no, the word means 'diphtheria,'
and to those dire bacteria
you're immune, so it's just pharyngitis.""
"
"just press on her doorbell and she'll
open up in extreme deshabille
in a nightie or slip
hanging loose from the hip.
her outfit says, ""let's make a deal.""
"
"though i'm modest and don't like to brag,
i'm just thrilled with my new douglas bag.
in this tube's where you blow?
it is airtight, you know.
tests for oxygen once were a drag!
"
"how i wish that my mom was like bert's.
when i'm bad, i get punished; it hurts.
but should bert misbehave,
he's not whipped like a slave.
he receives, so he says, just deserts.
"
"""the elixir of love,"" said aunt nettie,
""an opera by g. donizetti,
makes the listener rejoice
as each glorious voice
sings delectable vocal confetti.""
"
"rawalpindi: a place where blood spilled
leaving pakistan's dreams unfulfilled.
there, assassins would thwart
her designs, cut them short?
when benazir bhutto was killed.
"
"deedee asked me, ""pray, what is dutch cheese?
is it edam?"" i wanted to tease,
so i said in few words,
""from skimmed milk, it's the curds.""
""cottage cheese!"" she cried. ""that was a breeze.""
"
"an old poetess?mame was her name?
wrote verses that aimed to enflame.
they provoked listeners, leading
to rage at her reading,
but critics?  they raved with acclaim.
"
"when the vet made a careful inspection,
i made an invalid connection:
""someone's poisoned my oxen,""
i cried, ""with a toxin?""
""no, blood poisoning's caused by infection.""
"
"we are sure you'll proceed with refinement,
drawing up your new scheme?your designment.
all our faith is with you
and your plan that's brand new.
we are sure you can do this assignment.
"
"and the finals? i hear they are biduous?
with two separate matches dividuous.
if i make it that far,
i'll be hailed as a star,
but i'll bear a deep scar that's residuous.
"
"the emperor moth, critics know,
is a painting by vincent van gogh,
but he used the wrong name
for the moth?what a shame?
thought he'd painted a death's-head. not so!
"
"here's my not-too-appreciative lyric
about gamma-hydroxybutyric?
the acid that we
sometimes call ghb.
no, i can't write a rape panegyric.
"
"""i adore things italian,"" said sweeny.
""bel paese, linguine, panini,
and bel canto. i'm smitten
by the operas he's written?
the composer vincenzo bellini!""
"
"my knowledge i strive to enwiden,
so i study greek gods, like poseidon.
i'm expanding my learning;
with facts my brain's churning:
obama's vice president? biden.
"
"i just can't get him out of my mind;
round his image my daydreams enwind.
i can see him?my groom
in our wedding-night room,
our two bodies and lives intertwined.
"
"while learning to fly, a young swallow
dove down into filth to enwallow.
said its mom to the flyer:
""i beg to inquire:
if a pig takes the lead, must you follow?""
"
"after stealing and starting a brawl,
i discovered a jail can enwall,
can imprison, enclose.
and this shows, i suppose,
maybe crime doesn't pay after all.
"
"that lover of mollusks, aunt joanie,
ate a dinner of fried abalone,
then declared: ""i am full of
abalone!"" the pull of
that pun was: she'd called herself phony.
"
"as a symbol to stand for our creed,
lee is not quite the icon we need.
as our spokesman, he's shoddier
than our former embodier?
the joker who boozed and smoked weed.
"
"what? an elver, you say, is an eel?
and a young one at that? here's the deal:
it's an elver, 'twould seem,
when it's swimming upstream.
for a sniggler, it won't make a meal.
"
"deaconship, deaconhood: two
words that seldom are used?so if you
win a deaconry (post
as a deacon) just boast
with diaconate. that word will do!
"
"the compellative: alternate name
for the vocative case?they're the same.
as they've dropped out of use,
you will need no excuse
to ignore them?'twill bring you no shame.
"
"dracontium: genus of plant
with a stench that will never enchant.
flowers are unisexual,
though not ineffectual.
can they mate with themselves? no, they can't.
"
"we enjoy eggs at breakfast, soft-boiled.
will egg serve as a verb? as i toiled,
the chief cook egged me on,
so i slaved until dawn;
then he claimed his souffl?  i had spoiled.
"
"i will sell my old house and retire
to an island i love and admire.
my dream house?the domicile
i'll build on st. thomas isle?
i'll dwell in until i expire.
"
"sherm got nervous while working in burma.
his doc diagnosed chyloderma.
""please come home, dear,"" i wrote him,
""before your poor scrotum
distends till it scrapes terra firma.""
"
"like fools, of their money bereft,
we are chasmed?divided or cleft.
we are not closely knit,
though together we sit
in the congress??the right wing and left.
"
"as a friend, do you offer your pal a mint?
is it sweet when you offer your gal a mint?
as an act of endearment
choose pepper- or spearmint;
don't ask her to chew on a calamint.
"
"cowboy tex likes to frazzle and vex?
to bewilder, astound, and perplex.
he will hoodwink?entrick?
any gullible chick,
claiming he's of the feminine sex.
"
"on our farm, we raise many a pig.
to transport them we need something big
like a new double bottom.
our truck dealer's got 'em?
two trailers hooked up in a rig.
"
"i work in a crime lab, but i'm
not devising unsolvable crime.
i test evidence found
at a crime scene. that's bound
to assure that the guilty serve time.
"
"the englishry living in spain
gave my cousin elena a pain.
they'd turn down paella,
xat?, escudella?
and tapas? they'd rather abstain.
"
"a policewoman, pouncing with zeal,
caught a thief stealing beef from camille.
though he cried and appealed,
both his wrists she enwheeled
(encircled) by handcuffs of steel.
"
"toby belch speaks of cakes and of ale
in a comic shakespearean tale.
should you take much too much
of the cakes, ale, and such,
you'll produce a great belch without fail.
"
"a great warrior, julius caesar,
both of women and crowds was a pleaser.
disregarding his wife
on the ides cost his life?
he was spared growing old as a geezer.
"
"i've been told that my new medication
is dormant and needs activation.
when it's shaken up well,
it's as active as hell;
what is needed is dynamization.
"
"the environment?all that's surrounding
us living on earth?it's astounding!
i look to ecology
and modern technology
to save nature's treasures abounding.
"
"on the form, there's a line for notation
of one's work status. that information
made my boy state, annoyed,
""i won't write 'unemployed,'
as my status is disoccupation!""
"
"what's a dipterocarp? asian tree
that bears fruit with two wings, as you see
in this botany text.
under resins look next;
find how useful its products can be.
"
"saw a chap, and inside something snapped.
my attention was fully enwrapped.
all my hopes and my dreams
now involve him, it seems?
i'm completely engrossed and entrapped.
"
"on a pilgrimage cheerfully going,
chaucer's travelers told tales that were glowing.
they were fun, but not kitsch,
and the book made him rich;
he was detteles, to nobody owing.
"
"""to stay healthy,"" my mom used to say,
""it will pay you to take asa.
though an apple a day
keeps the doctor away,
baby aspirin keeps chest pain at bay.""
"
"it's a word that denotes depravation,
bringing downward, with ego deflation.
i speak of embasement:
descending displacement
to reach an inferior station.
"
"as an athlete he's light on his feet,
and i never suspected he'd cheat,
but i now know the worst:
as i slid into first
the guy punctured my hand with his cleat.
"
"list of elements? here's 105.
it is dubnium, man-made?no jive?
in a communist town
of great physics renown.
it's produced, but it doesn't survive.
"
"most brown algae reside in the sea.
some are sessile, while others float free.
ecosystems get help
from the long, graceful kelp
that are sometimes as tall as a tree.
"
"""i can't smell very well,"" belle declared.
""i'm dysosmic; my smelling's impaired.
life was swell till i fell,
hurt my head?now it's hell.""
nostrils flared, this belle shared: ""man, i'm scared!""
"
"my husband, alas, is a toper.
when he heard that i worked on a coper,
he said: ""let's run away
and be married today!""
like a dope, i became an eloper!
"
"though not wealthy, with holdings baronial,
the red alga has plans matrimonial.
""my ovary's simple,
less large than a pimple,
and each cell's an egg, carpogonial.""
"
"i teach kids and professionals, both,
all about intrauterine growth.
my best work pedagogic
is embryologic?
and to venture past childbirth i'm loath.
"
"use duchesse for your gown and you'll find
that it's really a wonderful kind
of a fabric?firm satin
you won't look too fat in,
and won't either wrinkle or bind.
"
"she's a bearer of honey, melliferous;
like gold-bearing earth, she's auriferous.
my wife and queen regnant
is seven weeks pregnant?
with child, she's now embryoniferous.
"
"if my white cells i dedifferentiate
into stem cells, my fame will potentiate,
and my lofty position
won't rise by addition.
it will, i believe, exponentiate!
"
"the high-muck-a-muck said to the shah:
""your embourgeoisement's made you seem blah.
you look so middle class,
folks don't stare when you pass.
sir, you mustn't become too bourgeois!""
"
"""the chia pet fills me with dread;
grandma gives them for christmas,"" fred said.
""just add water and seeds;
that is all the guy needs
to grow chia, like grass, on his head!""
"
"my new microscope's lenses are swell.
we can look at the tiniest cell.
see this cellula, lynne?
it was part of my skin.
now it's shed, and i bid it farewell.
"
"to save lives, in acute envenomation
of a limb?that's a dire situation?
my old book on first aid
says a tourniquet made
near the bite will prevent toxication.
"
"building condos, one task, incidental,
is preparing a full environmental
impact statement, assessing
how much we are messing
with nature?so please, let's be gentle.
"
"the dwarf elder we grow at our villa
we call bristly?oh yes!?sarsaparilla.
it has fruit that is dark
and medicinal bark.
noxious odor? no, not a scintilla.
"
"the spider, appearing to nap
on the web that she built as a trap,
is just waiting for flies.
when she spies them, she cries:
""here's a morsel for me to enwrap!""
"
"in our house in the woods, for the nonce,
dearest treasure, i'd like to ensconce
our two souls.  deep inside,
settled snugly, we'll hide.
texts and emails will get no response.
"
"the new headmaster's really a stranger
to our school, and i fear there's a danger:
as the man hates to dance,
we may forfeit our chance
for a prom. he's a dog in the manger.
"
"'tis a rank of great weight, 'twould appear,
and its holder's esteemed in his sphere:
the word emirate, sir,
which can also refer
to a state with a ruling emir.
"
"i imagine it?here's what i mean:
it's envisioned. in dreams it is seen
by the eyes of my mind.
in my brain you will find
my design for an upscale latrine.
"
"could it really be true that biology,
not nurture, informs our psychology?
can the study of dreams
involve bench science?streams
of brain catalysts?pure enzymology?
"
"whats an entremet? when is it seen?
it's a dinner dish, served in between
two regular courses.
whatever its source is,
it makes diners' palates feel clean.
"
"our church's brand-new majordomo
saw a painting of christ (ecce homo)
whom the populace scorns,
bound and crowned with sharp thorns.
he said: ""great?we can use this for promo!""
"
"""all the rest of you plants are disasters,""
the dwarf dandelions said. ""we're the masters.
we're high class, upper crust.
you'll  admit it, we trust,
as our family members are asters.""
"
"cousin paige took the stage and she danced.
her audience sat there entranced,
and the spell they were under?
amazement and wonder?
will help her next show get financed.
"
"haven't read edward dorn, not a thing,
though he had one big fan: stephen king.
steve used gunslinger, wove
an immense treasure-trove,
made a bundle of money. ka-ching!
"
"in this moth family, one special genus
i seek with devotion and keenness.
i'll surely feel high a day
that i meet with arctiidae:
empyreuma, as lovely as venus.
"
"that's a hell of a way to behave!
now you're balding, i thought you'd be brave,
but you envyingly stare
at my noggin. i swear,
seems a full head of hair's what you crave!
"
"i wish i could take an eraser
and wipe out the label ""embraceor.""
i created a furor?
bribed an inverness juror,
then fought, in the court, with the macer.
"
"if elf means the same thing as elve,
what's an elver? in books i must delve!
do elvers hunt elves,
catching elves by themselves?
no, they're eels, and this matter i'll shelve.
"
"it's a plant that you'll not find in bremen?
call it duck's-foot, or call it wild lemon.
it has poisonous roots,
but has edible fruits
for your salads?just don't put the stem in.
"
"acrotarsium, word that seems new,
on your foot is the instep.  when you
take a sock, and you put
it on, over your foot,
it slips sweetly inside of your shoe.
"
"chian turpentine comes from a tree
called the terebinth; tap it for free.
gee, i once dropped my pez in
this oleoresin.
smelled bad, tasted worse?silly me!
"
"here's our lute workshop; mel's at the helm.
we make instruments, using the elm,
as its elmwood is sturdy.
see this new hurdy-gurdy?
mel's carving and style overwhelm.
"
"the suggestions you made were corrective
(emendatory), also effective.
i bow to your learning;
you're wise and discerning
in editing out my invective.
"
"after sunset, the time we call dusk,
daylight fades, leaving only its husk,
but quebec says  l'heure bleue.
i prefer it; don't you?
it seems much more poetic, less brusque.
"
"""i encountered a fellow who sold
me this rock; it's worth riches untold!""
""brother, learn how to buy right;
the stuff's copper pyrite.
poor soul, what you hold is fool's gold.""
"
"cousin milton is angularly built?
long and lean, with each leg like a stilt?
as he stands, arms akimbo,
impressing a bimbo,
creating a rise in his kilt.
"
"i'm dressed to the nines?so urbane?
at the station, prepared to entrain.
i intend to be star
of the railroad's lounge car,
and to spend my trip sipping champagne.
"
"it will cost us a lot to emplace
your statue of mae on its base
in manhattan's times square,
but before it's put there,
can you please sculpt a smile on her face?
"
"the complainant had begged me to act,
your honor. by science i'm backed.
my tale's no subreption.
emergency contraception
is birth control?after the fact.
"
"well, i borrowed from guys, i should mention,
who are old (each depends on a pension)
and hard up, i presume,
as they share one small room?
an arrangement of turf coextension.
"
"when the forecast said ""damaging hail,""
we were out on our boat for a sail.
we were pounded a bit
when the thunderstorm hit
and the golf balls rained down in the gale.
"
"i was angry, suspecting a gimmick,
when my prof said, ""young man, you're enzymic.""
but he said, ""your attraction?
you energize action;
it's a catalyst protein you mimic.""
"
"""there's jock bligh; every time i pass by,
i would swear that he winks his left eye!""
""no, he's not being jocular;
old jock is dextrocular.
he's a right-looking fellow, that guy!""
"
"though i started my studies excitedly,
i was lost and i stumbled benightedly.
i was baffled, nonplussed,
then expelled. how unjust!
my devotion was met unrequitedly.
"
"this parrot is dead. i'm aghast!
though the bird may have lived in the past,
its life had no durableness,
its illness lacked curableness,
and its feet to the perch were nailed fast.
"
"the destruction from drugs?nothing new.
is there anything more we can do?
we support drug enforcement?
award our endorsement,
but i often feel helpless; don't you?
"
"when it's chilly, on parkas i'm sold;
other mammals have fur, so i'm told.
but an earthworm or newt?
it does not give a hoot,
as in ectotherms blood can run cold.
"
"we've discovered a large eccyesis.
pains get worse as its volume increases.
drugs or herbs won't improve it;
we'll have to remove it.
after surgery, pelvic pain ceases.
"
"""you need ground cover; here's what i mean:
plants that spread and will keep the ground green.
my choice,"" said ms trilby,
""is this?dwarf astilbe.
plant plenty along the latrine.""
"
"this great bagel is maisie's creation.
it's a circle, precise in formation,
with a round space inside.
maisie's smiling with pride;
she's in charge of the dough's entortilation.
"
"for our dining room, now, we'll choose drapery?
bright yellow, i think, like our napery.
sure, the walls are gray-blue,
but with curtains gray too,
the whole room would look misty and vapory.
"
"the drug addict has a disease
that can bring a strong man to his knees.
an awful affliction,
narcotic addiction
is rarely defeated with ease.
"
"there's a canvas that's blank on my easel.
the size of my customers' fees'll
decide what i paint,
and you'll hear no complaint.
want a diesel? a saint? or a weasel?
"
"when i'm looking straight up in the sky,
i see tiny round objects float by.
they are not, i suppose,
martian ships, ufos?
they're entoptic, inside of my eye.
"
"as an entrant, a brand-new physician,
he's joined in our noble tradition.
we welcome him gladly,
but note, a bit sadly,
he still owes three years of tuition.
"
"my tobacco plants all have blue mold.
i'm afraid my plantation will fold.
downy mildew?this fungus
wreaks havoc among us,
but i'm told that it can be controlled.
"
"arethusa's an orchid that's pink,
and resembles?as some people think?
the mouth of a dragon.
""i do,"" maggie's braggin',
""if i glance very quickly and blink!""
"
"epiglottis: the name of a flap
that covers your glottis?a cap
that's part of your pharynx?
protecting your larynx
so fluids won't leak through the gap.
"
"antiperspirants help us to get
sweeter odors by stopping our sweat.
you've bouquet de gorilla?
just smear your axilla.
'twill no longer be stinky and wet!
"
"in the tropics, the docs are heroic
fighting parasites?brutes entozoic.
they treat indwelling worms
(you remove one?it squirms),
but they're firm, unemotional, stoic.
"
"""art for art's sake,"" he loudly proclaimed.
""i don't care if my canvas looks maimed!""
but one look at this mess,
and the viewer will guess
that, down deep, the man must be ashamed.
"
"in cairo, insomniacs might
find doxylamine helps them sleep tight,
and these lucky egyptians
will not need prescriptions
to slumber in comfort all night.
"
"on our trip, we gave janie free reign.
in the main, it caused terrible strain.
now it's time to fly home;
at the airport in rome,
we emplane. no, we won't come again!
"
"when the dinner bell rang, minnie grinned in
response to the racket. the wind in
the linden, she found,
spread the clangor around.
""i just love that loud sound?it's my din-din!""
"
"feeling slow when you move into action?
is your sluggishness causing distraction?
now this test (emg)
helps your doctor to see
what is wrong with your muscle contraction.
"
"the fabric that's used in my dress,
 labeled easy-care, saves me distress.
you ask what it means?
""wash and dry in machines;
do not press""?laundry labor is less.
"
"this medicine's cardioprotective,
so my heart won't become more defective.
now my ticker works well;
i feel great. you can tell
from my swell optimistic perspective.
"
"once a candidate, johnny stood tall.
we were shocked by his terrible fall,
but this hero, one day,
showed his feet made of clay,
and john edwards embarrassed us all.
"
"on pa's poodle (her name was marie),
epizoa?two ticks and a flea?
made their homes, and they fed
on her blood. papa said,
""they're the pets of my pet. let them be!""
"
"in our annual show, pantomimic,
i wear ""bloomers""?that word's eponymic.
it's true, not a rumor:
amelia j. bloomer
is the source of the term. that's no gimmick.
"
"there's an annual verse competition;
to win is my fondest ambition.
as an entrant, i might
have a chance, so i write?
but i've yet to turn in a submission.
"
"when at dog races greyhounds are run,
lots of money is lost, and some won,
but a dogfight's illegal
(whether pit bull or beagle).
it's bloody and brutal?not fun.
"
"the bandits (folks called them ""banditos"")
stole platters of pork cuchifritos;
thus their dinner was hot.
they consumed quite a lot,
though they much preferred spicy burritos.
"
"see this head of an ancient egyptian?
there's an epigraph (chiseled inscription)
to the left of his ear.
it says ""henpecked vizier.""
did he see it and throw a conniption?
"
"the prejudiced pastor looked pious
as he smilingly stepped to the dais,
but he bigotedly spoke
to a churchful of folk,
spreading enmity, hatred, and bias.
"
"please step carefully, ted, lest you tread
on this beautiful plant?dragon's head?
dracocephalum. hint:
it's related to mint.
i have bred it for years in this bed.
"
"like to gamble? then visit the taj,
a casino that's also a lodge,
but don't lose what you've got
till your credit is shot?
or collectors you'll then have to dodge.
"
"""yikes! my last pair of pantyhose ran.
can you buy some?"" i ask my man, dan.
""i could do so, but i
don't know what shade to buy.""
""i wear ecru."" (he gasps.) ""make that tan!""
"
"said my sister, who sounded sarcastic:
""dusting flour on your body? that's drastic.""
""it's okay,"" i replied
(not admitting i lied),
""our new doctor says flour's epipastic.""
"
"yes, in lima, distress was diluvian.
first it seemed just the day for a movie, 'n'
i went out with the fellas,
who sneered at umbrellas;
now we're flooded?each lowland peruvian.
"
"when i met her, my interest was kindled,
but our growing relationship dwindled.
it began to decline
when she sold me a mine
that was worthless?i found i'd been swindled.
"
"at my leisure, some time i will squander,
as in lovely jamaica i wander.
though sometimes i talk
to the plants as i walk,
the dumb cane is not a responder.
"
"when he saw hannah pray, the priest eli
exclaimed, ""you're a drunkard!""  did he lie?
she said, ""booze? i've had none.
i've asked god for a son.""
was she telling the truth, or did she lie?
"
"""is this my ham sandwich on rye?""
cried aboundingly mad captain bligh.
""see the ham? well, it's vesicated!
the rye? it is desiccated!
i'm leaving the bounty! goodbye!""
"
"i always have wanted to be
an expert who goes on tv
to expound on the chahms
of the music of brahms
but, alas, i have no a.mus.d.
"
"your lesion is hardly exotic;
there's no need for an antibiotic.
it's a simple abrasion?
no microbe invasion.
this ointment you'll find epulotic.
"
"today is the day that they pay me on?
for writing an epithalamion
(for a groom and his bride)
called ""cohabit with pride.""
that's a mandate they swore they'd obey me on.
"
"""calamari's italian for 'squid.'
have you ordered some?"" ""yes, i just did.
it's a great dish for me,
as it pleases all three:
superego, and ego, and id.""
"
"go to college, acquire education.
you'll be taught to apply cerebration
to solve problems galore,
and with luck, what is more,
learn to earn, and avoid deprivation.
"
"there are times, when new buildings we plan,
your envisioning shows me you can
procreate fine designs.
yes, your imagery shines.
this next project is yours: you're my man!
"
"her elegancy wowed the whole crowd.
the bride's posture was dignified, proud,
in her gown (vera wang);
how her praises we sang!
but her sneakers? we snickered out loud.
"
"antihumanism louis endorses?
man's not free. all behavior, of course, is
not ascribed to free choice.
""we're all slaves to the voice
of our culture?society's forces.""
"
"giving birth in a county that's rural,
i'm afraid i won't have epidural
anesthesia. it's plain
i'm concerned about pain?
i've got twins, so the birth will be plural.
"
"i was broke, so i asked an old friend
if he'd lend me a tenner to spend;
then i called his twin brother
and asked for another?
i'll let the two loans coextend.
"
"i've been reading the newspapers dreadingly
as the flu epidemic comes spreadingly,
and i'm scared 'cause aunt sue
has a bad case of flu,
and the viruses fall from her sheddingly.
"
"the creatinine level in pee
measures functioning kidneys? dear me!
i must void in the cup?
i must fill it all up?
seems my bladder's refused to agree!
"
"it protects both your chin and your shin,
and the bodies of you and your kin.
the appropriate term is,
no doubt, epidermis?
your outermost layer of skin.
"
"not a fellow of ""woulds,"" ""coulds,'"" or ""shoulds,""
this workman lugs loads through the woods?
for sale or for barter,
all hauled by the carter:
the guy who delivers the goods.
"
"here's a tribute, a paean, a toast
to the books that obsess me the most.
these page-turners capture
my passion?what rapture!
i'm deeply and fully engrossed.
"
"junior's flute presents little allure,
as his playing's a bit insecure,
but in time you'll adjust.
(you're his grandma?you must!)
to his discord you're sure to enure.
"
"your amygdalae always remain
on alert, deep inside of your brain.
they light up with each treat?
drugs you take, food you eat?
but react to both pleasure and pain.
"
"diatryma's a really odd word.
it's the same as gastornis, i've heard.
in the old cenozoic
lived this creature, heroic?
not a mammal?a very big bird.
"
"this siberian tree, the dwarf elm,
was transplanted to many a realm,
but then pest-borne disease
got to lots of these trees,
which it managed to, well, overwhelm.
"
"that wonderful author, joan didion
(californian, not a floridian)
wrote both wisely and well.
many stories she'd tell
spoke of actions both grand and quotidian.
"
"a  durative verb has this trait:
it describes a continuing state.
compare thrash, strike, and hit;
just the first, you'll admit,
will occur over time, then abate.
"
"your thesis betrays you're confucian.
it's so logical?no convolution.
my advice was all wet,
so i'll forfeit my bet
and i'll gladly provide restitution.
"
"i resemble a sad empty nester
since our son left for college in leicester;
the house seems so bare!
dad says, ""dear, don't despair,
as he'll only be gone one semester.""
"
"at my workplace i hand-manufacture
fine clocks, but dupuytren's contracture
now cripples my hands
with its damned fibrous bands.
it's disabling and worse than a fracture.
"
"not the names of the guys she has kissed,
it's political?emily's list.
if a candidate's sex
shows no y, just xx,
we are asked to send checks to assist.
"
"said a technical wizard from ipswich:
""your computer contains a cool dip switch,
one of several switches
in a useful set which is
so hip that it seems a blue-chip switch.""
"
"lepidopterists like to empale
lovely  moths on a pin or a nail.
it's a very cruel game;
would they dare do the same
to a snail, or a quail, or a whale?
"
"have you heard of the weed called dog fennel?
you will not find this plant in a kennel,
or a puppy farm, or
a pet shelter or store,
where you'd probably look for a wennel.
"
"jack developed a plan to strike back
with a smart double-barreled attack:
""we'll both sue them in court
and lay siege to their fort,
as our guns (double-barreled) we pack!""
"
"""the extract that's called digitalin
helps the heart,"" said my son-in-law allan.
""not employed much today,
in the past it held sway,
though it never was used by the gallon.""
"
"will the heroine, bound on a peak,
be grabbed by a giant bird's beak?
we won't know if it's gory?
this serial's story?
till the episode showing next week.
"
"aunt daisy, a spry golden-ager,
can beat you at tennis, i'd wager.
but now, seems her leisure's
been ruined by seizures?
grand mal (epilepsia major).
"
"the discipline known as dysgenics
studies traits that may call for euphenics,
and those human-made means
that despoil our pooled genes.
it is not the same thing as euthenics.
"
"my boyfriend's a winner at polo
and pilots a dive bomber solo;
he plays basketball too.
he was born in peru,
but of parents from spain: he's criollo.
"
"a dunnock's a bird that's inept.
in her nest, cuckoo eggs she'll accept,
though they're not like her eggs.
as the chick grows and begs,
she will feed it; she's so inadept.
"
"a new yorker and mta rider,
i'm a gal people call an ""east sider.""
i proudly reside
on manhattan's east side,
and fifth avenue? that's the divider.
"
"there's old arthur, the archery pro?
hair like snow, all his reflexes slow,
muscles shrunken, limbs narrow,
each slim as an arrow,
and his arcuated spine like a bow.
"
"""i feel achy?a sort of distemper in
my head. how it hurts!"" cried clem kemper. in
great pain, he complained,
but his doctor? she deigned
to present him two tablets of empirin.
"
"many words used in music i treasure.
just their sound gives me moments of pleasure.
once i said to a pupil,
""please learn the word duple.
duple time has two beats to a measure.""
"
"oil's been found off your coast. is that good?
will your currency rise? well, it could.
dutch disease might, i think,
make your industry shrink.
my economist friends say it would.
"
"it starts with some leaves in peru,
which the natives reportedly chew.
the illegal drug traffic
(can i make it more graphic?)
brings it through lou's intestine to you.
"
"my answer was: ""epithelioma?
a tumor of lining, not stroma.""
thus i made a grand slam
on my oral exam,
and will surely receive my diploma.
"
"to the lady next door, i said: ""howdy!""
was she chic?  my impression is cloudy.
was her wardrobe, well, fab?
was she dowdy, like, drab?
hell, she wore an abayah; she's saudi.
"
"the news that your blood has dyscrasia
may gall ya, appall ya, amaze ya.
ask your doctor what kind;
if there's treatment, you'll find
that the illness itself need not faze ya.
"
"is a  bar bit an act that, perforce,
you perform in a pub?with remorse
the next morning? no, it's
merely one of those bits
that you place in the mouth of a horse.
"
"when rudy goes out in his sloop,
he will sometimes invite a whole group;
and they're off for the day
on a sail 'cross the bay.
when the wind goes away, the sails droop.
"
"i am trying to reach stevie's feast.
he provided directions, at least.
seems that first i turn right
from due north, but not quite
a right angle, and that's east-northeast.
"
"in this life, we must all take our lumps?
lose a girlfriend, come down with the mumps?
but let's not get depressed.
let us all try our best
to avoid being down in the dumps.
"
"i can't blame it on moon glow (selenic),
or my diaphragm's reflexes (phrenic).
it's these pills that i take
that cause seizures; i shake!
seems the medicine's epileptogenic.
"
"the hornbill's immense epithema
makes its beak, among avians, prima.
this casque is, in essence,
a horny excrescence?
just part of mom nature's great schema.
"
"as she sought to improve her condition,
a young cell had a nagging suspicion
that the cell to her right
was the source of her plight.
she was blighted by contact inhibition.
"
"come and shop at our brand-new location.
you'll find bargains?the best in the nation.
bring a neighbor, a friend.
bring your credit cards?spend!
(that's my ode to consumerization.)
"
"in 1905, russia's czar
thought the duma would carry him far,
but the reds made him trembly;
they axed his assembly,
and slaughtered each modern boyar.
"
"it's a word that means ""brilliance."" the same
word denotes ""acclamation, acclaim,""
or ""a flourish""?aha!
the word is eclat;
one i never have used. that's a shame!
"
"my mum always called me a dummy;
i'll admit that it made me feel crummy.
i was cursed, in her view,
with a ""stupid i.q.""
(as you see, the real dummy was mummy.)
"
"you may wonder who first undertook
the task of recording the book.
here's a thought that's exciting:
by the style of the writing,
to the elohist, some scholars look.
"
"farmer cox built a barn. now his ox
has a stall of the type called a box.
""this new stall suits ideally,""
cried the ox. ""i move freely,
untethered, like geese, hens, and cocks.""
"
"this woodland don juan is a cervid;
chasing winsome young does, he is fervid.
by antlers adorned,
this buck's horny, not horned.
his repute as a suitor's deserv?d.
"
"in the psych ward, unable to cope,
i decided i'd have to elope.
when i made my escape,
all the staff was agape
as i lowered myself on a rope.
"
"this pitcher plant trap's entomophagous;
insects slide down its leafy esophagus.
yes, the plant is carnivorous,
in fact, insectivorous.
be glad that it isn't androphagous.
"
"the ectoderm: layer which gains
cells the gastrula gladly retains
as the embryo grows.
it forms skin on the toes,
and, god knows, it turns into the brains.
"
"my prized pet, who was doomed, i'll entomb.
although heartsick with gloom, i'll embloom
with lilies (emblossom)
the grave of my possum.
he'll rest there in peace, i presume.
"
"mandy's searching all over for thad.
since he split, she seems strikingly sad.
i suspect he's gone straight
to the south of the state,
driving downstate to see his old dad.
"
"poppa vows to teach junior humility,
but to me it's an act of futility.
junior's ego display
will just get in the way.
it's beyond, i would say, conceivability.
"
"""what sort of a bird is a doupe?
will it swoop and drop goop on your stoop?""
""if you really must know,
it's a carrion crow.""
""i assume that reply's the straight poop.""
"
"when it's cold, caveman dana promotes
his ingenious invention: down coats.
dana sews them of leathers
and stuffs them with feathers.
""each is warm,"" dana notes, ""and it floats!""
"
"""your manuscript, chase? a disgrace!""
said his folks. ""when you have to erase,
we can't read the correction.
this single-spaced section?
replace it, and please double-space!""
"
"in egypt, the pharaohs, dynastic,
married brother to sister?that's drastic!
but from sib-to-sib flings
generations of kings
were produced. don't you find that fantastic?
"
"""the latrine in this barrack's among
the most filthy i've seen?splashed with dung.
it's so dungy, so soiled!""
i exclaimed as i boiled.
""where's the sergeant? i'll have the bum hung!""
"
"""the nuts from the palm called cohune
are as large as a kid's toy balloon.
squeeze its nuts?you'll get oil?
with a great deal of toil.""
""squeeze its nuts? i'm afraid it would swoon.""
"
"fanny's honeymoon plans were romantic.
""let's drive eastward and see the atlantic!""
by the time dan confessed
he had headed due west,
they'd reached pittsburgh, and fanny was frantic.
"
"episcopicide: it means killing
a bishop. not many are willing
to bump off a guy
who in churchdom's so high,
and the concept itself appears chilling.
"
"i am searching for congruence, but
the world's crazy, i feel in my gut.
no two people agree,
so i weep?silly me!
and my friends all say, ""sheila's a nut!""
"
"in new orleans, a man's at the door,
a court order in hand, asking for
blanche dubois. says stan k,
""take that nut case away.
stella's sister ain't welcome no more!""
"
"this geometry textbook provides
a solution that helpfully guides
as i take my exam.
""what's a chiliagon?"" ""ma'am,
it's a figure with one thousand sides.""
"
"signals cell-body-bound, called cellipetal,
when they're sent to the spine are spinipetal.
if, like signals of pain,
they advance to the brain,
they'll be called, in the main, cerebripetal.
"
"i encourage her, urge her, implore her
to love me; i swear i adore her.
when i say so, a chick'll
reply that i'm fickle,
and giggle, like dozens before her.
"
"dilatoriness: slowness to act.
jack procrastinates, breaking his pact.
he had sworn to his mate
he'd be home before eight,
but he's late for their date?that's a fact.
"
"in some lessons, our math teacher delves
into something he calls ""scale of twelves"":
duodecimal numbers,
disturbing our slumbers.
we're hoping to learn it ourselves.
"
"first i saunter across lithuania,
then meander through all of albania,
while my family's pondering
my penchant for wandering.
they conclude that i've got dromomania.
"
"they are useful to most every critter;
each hormone and neurotransmitter
is a chemical that,
in a human or rat,
carries messages?sweet ones and bitter.
"
"i'm one of those east village gals.
we love drama and quote hilton als.
we are poor, but we're arty
and love a good party?
get high and read proust with our pals.
"
"with a license that comes from the feds,
he's the druggist who sells you your meds.
if you fake a prescription,
he'll have a conniption?
a dea audit he dreads!
"
"though in most peoples' guts they're benign,
tests discovered malign ones in mine.
for these germs called enterics,
i took capsules (generics);
now the microbes are dead and i'm fine.
"
"my dog has a lump on his jaw.
this epulis sticks out and looks raw.
first a bump on his gum?
now how large it's become!
well, i'll have it removed from his maw.
"
"both his nose and his waistline are narrow
in this sketch?akhenaten, the pharaoh.
his elongated form
was, in portraits, the norm,
with his hips gently curved like a marrow.
"
"eddie said to his teacher, with dread,
""has your right eye been punched? it's all red!""
""nope; wherever no white is,
there's episcleritis?
where acute inflammation has spread.""
"
"went to visit the actor jude law,
saw the following note on his daw
(here is every last word):
""don't feed worms to my bird,
or i won't let you in any maw.""
"
"thus the colonel inscribed in his journal:
""i've a crack in my condyle (external)
at the end of my humerus.
my pain meds are numerous;
epitrochlear aching's infernal!""
"
"gail showed photos on line, in detail,
of this fossil she'd found in the shale,
and the pictures went viral.
its shape (concho-spiral)
made the ancient tooth look like a snail.
"
"though the check was to him, not to me,
johnny owed me a buck eighty-three.
i said, ""hurry up, jack;
write 'pay to' on the back,
and my name, so i'm sole endorsee.""
"
"""your  great dane's,"" she said, ""covered with lice?
epizoic, and not very nice.""
i replied, ""epizoic
makes his bugs sound heroic,
while lousy, i think, should suffice.""
"
"""she's gone out to find pot, i suppose.
would my daughter do elsewise?"" asked rose
in a quavering voice.
""she'd make no other choice.
i'm sure rehab is not what she chose.""
"
"the dissed salesgal at sal's fashion palace, who
has been treated by colleagues with malice, too,
needs a touch that is tender.
i'll try to befriend 'er:
""i adore your shoes' hue. are they alice blue?""
"
"""tell me, when did your memory fade?""
""my injury seems to have made
recollection its worst
after june twenty-first.
my amnesia is anterograde.""
"
"does a true dative covalent bond
always mean having sex with a blonde?
that's what chemist fred said
when he took me to bed.
what? it doesn't? good lord, i've been conned!
"
"epicondyles are bumps on a bone
where tendons and muscles are known
to attach. they are numerous?
on femur or humerus,
and may pain us. they're not made of stone.
"
"his new book's too complex and exotic
for one film. it would end up chaotic,
but i think the material
would work as a serial
on twelve different nights?episodic.
"
"my son leo is writing some letters
(epistolary missives) to bettors,
on behalf of his bosses,
to remind them of losses
and the dangers they face once they're debtors.
"
"pete had bragged that his girlfriend was dreamy?
a beauty, with skin oh so creamy.
as she sat at the table,
i thought: ""betty grable!""
then she rose. holy moses, she's beamy!
"
"""what a cool, lovely day!"" proclaimed dot.
""in this breeze, i may freeze on the spot!""
i said, trying to please.
was she being a tease?
it was ninety degrees?downright hot!
"
"""define downrightness.""  (students suspect
it's a word that they ought to have checked.)
""let's try uprightness?noun,
which we'll turn upside-down...""
""no, it simply means ""being direct.""
"
"""what a treat!"" cries aunt bea, who is gushin'.
""we will ride in a cart that is russian?
in a droshky, of course,
which is pulled by a horse.
now get in!"" (she will brook no discussion.)
"
"after several years' wait, its arriving
was a leap; now the new sport is thriving.
two at once?it's so cool?
spring from board into pool.
that's the synchronized version of diving.
"
"in the sunlight the little mouse dozed,
while to eat it the cobra proposed.
this suggestion was followed up;
the rodent was swallowed up,
encompassed, enveloped, enclosed.
"
"when she's erred and feels total disgrace,
her fingers, i note, enterlace.
(yes, her heart's on her sleeve.)
digits twine, interweave,
and behind them, she buries her face.
"
"to our  fancy-dress ball i will ask 'er,
hoping marni's attire, as a masker,
won't be genus aptornis.
""i'll be epiornis?
that bird from,"" she said, ""madagascar.""
"
"the x-rays we've taken reveal
your son's fracture is epiphyseal,
through the end of his bone.
growth occurs there alone,
but don't worry; we're sure it will heal.
"
"classic writing outdoes the generic.
ponder similes known as homeric:
in his epic, the iliad,
sev'ral lines (not a chiliad)
form word-pictures?bold, atmospheric.
"
"my mom has a characterful face;
years of hardship have all left their trace,
and your painting creates
a portrayal of traits
that displays both her aging and grace.
"
"caveman dana examined a stone.
""epilithic-type lichens are grown
on such rocks. why can't i
grow the barley and rye
that i've sown on some stones of my own?""
"
"i'm an endomorph, chubby and round.
there's great pleasure in gorging, i've found,
but i've grown too obese.
unless feasting i cease,
i will eat myself into the ground.
"
"her humor, though dashed off erratically,
is writ wittily, epigrammatically.
the best of her verse
is both clever and terse.
ogden nash? she adores him fanatically!
"
"our club wants to hold its cotillion
in that lovely but rundown pavilion.
let's envermeil the shed?
paint it bright shiny red.
in vermilion, 'twill look like a billion.
"
"i believe i can play this role fully,
like that film star, the great monty woolley.
this character's bag
is his proneness to brag
when he drinks. he's a drawcansir (bully).
"
"he's abrasive, this ""expert"" in gemmary,
and he lacks a reliable memory.
""i will shine up your jewel,""
he declared, ""with this tool.""
can he polish my diamond with emery?
"
"my grandson is now independent;
he no longer requires an attendant.
no more sitters?he's free
to express his esprit.
(hope he lasts; he's my only descendant.)
"
"""got a fun job?"" yes, that's what the boy meant
at the agency, seeking employment.
said the agent, ""there's work
if you're not prone to shirk.
bosses pay for your toil, not enjoyment.""
"
"my intention, my friends? well, i'm gonna
define, if i can, epifauna.
born in water and bred,
they live up on the bed?
not the same kind of bed as madonna.
"
"belle's hotel has a posh clientele;
there the elegant, stylish folks dwell.
one small point gives her chills:
they are slow paying bills?
but these toffs seem to tip very well.
"
"i'm denying the sales contract's bindingness.
i was awed by the car salesman's blindingness:
his charm and deep voice.
i've returned the rolls-royce
with a smile of sincere never-mind-ingness.
"
"when i saw my new roommate, i freaked.
her nose was enormous and beaked.
that immense hooked proboscis
would grace a colossus;
when she started to sneeze, out i sneaked.
"
"i went blank; then i suddenly fell,
hit the floor and was shaking like hell.
this event got a name
when the ambulance came
and they said: ""epileptiform spell.""
"
"if we work as a team, our collectiveness
will be sure to improve our effectiveness,
so don't be subjective,
or worse?introspective.
group thinking displays our connectiveness.
"
"your enunciative memo's announcing
that the price of your stock's downward bouncing.
though you use formal terms
for this sad can of worms,
it is clear: your firm's taking a trouncing.
"
"on an island far out in the sea,
i evolved; when discovered, i'll be
judged by somebody smart
as a species apart?
from the start, allopatrically me.
"
"""have you seen her?"" the leading man bawled.
""with her big upper jaw? i'm appalled,
'cause the script says i kiss
this irregular miss!""
epignathous is what the gal's called.
"
"""i'm concerned about damage from cold.
are there ways that such risk is controlled?""
""this new cryoprotective
solution's effective
in tissues."" ""terrific! i'm sold!""
"
"from its blossoms, a lovely perfume
fills the air when this vine is in bloom.
chilean jasmine is fine
in a garden like mine;
brought inside it brings scent to each room.
"
"the amerinds build a canoe
that's made without rivets or glue.
many years of the dugout
have worked every bug out?
it's hard, even now, to outdo.
"
"i know the earth's flat. trust me, sis.
sail away from dry land, you'll find this
(not what boffins allege):
you'll go over the edge,
into that which we call the abyss.
"
"to concamerate means ""to arch over,""
like my stride as i walk across clover,
or the rainbow i see
curving over the lea
in my carefree career as a rover.
"
"when the wind lifts some sand into swirls,
it may scare little boys and small girls.
""a tornado!"" i hear,
but there's no need to fear.
it's a dust devil?dust blown in curls.
"
"our mail-order sales corporation
has a generous ad appropriation,
so our crap will be seen
in couture magazine.
we ship knockoffs all over the nation!
"
"this story's a downer?it's sad.
my old milk cow's been ailing real bad.
now she can't even stand.
called the vet for her, and
the guy called her a downer, the cad!
"
"giving light that i can't call fluorescent,
this substance is chemiluminescent.
tiny atoms, excited,
explain how it's lighted
but cool?man, it's not incandescent!
"
"if the young of an eagle's an eaglet,
is the pup of a beagle a beaglet?
if a small pig's a piglet,
and a wee wig's a wiglet,
is the little league really a leaguelet?
"
"said my prof at the language arts center:
""enroll, my dear; register, enter
our contest for verse
with a very large purse.""
but i lost, so i cursed my old mentor.
"
"you've been speaking for hours, and your
endless lecture i have to endure.
if you quit before five,
i will still be alive;
if you don't, i'm a goner for sure.
"
"her attempts to avoid any friction
seem to further her husband's addiction.
her daughter's the labeler:
""you're poppa's enabler,
and guilty of gross dereliction.""
"
"in the tales of arabian nights,
magic carpets made wonderful flights;
but the rugs on my floor
couldn't creep through the door,
let alone fly to fabulous heights.
"
"chari-nile?seems these languages span
parts of africa (kenya, sudan)
near the sandy sahara.
they're not in bukhara,
and certainly not in japan.
"
"the bank has informed cousin cheryl
her account's overdrawn. now this peril
has caused her to bring
grandma's gem-studded ring
to the pawnshop?her rare chrysoberyl.
"
"thomas eakens taught students to paint,
but his methods engendered complaint.
humans viewed in the nude
were, to eakins, not lewd.
""i'm an artist,"" he said, ""not a saint.""
"
"female elephant seals mostly chose
a big male with a super-sized nose.
when selecting a mate,
tiny snouts didn't rate.
(they'd like cyrano too, i suppose.)
"
"downy poplar has round, scalloped leaves,
and a dark, furrowed bark, lee perceives,
but this tree?the swamp cottonwood?
may  soon be forgotten wood.
it's endangered; that's one of lee's peeves.
"
"life begins?some have reached the conclusion?
in humans, with gamete cell fusion
of the ovum and sperm.
this i cannot confirm,
as for me this idea's an illusion.
"
"my lungs are diseased, emphysematous,
inelastic and sometimes edematous,
and it makes me so stressed
that the skin on my chest
gets both itchy and red?it's eczematous.
"
"in my gut i've a god-awful pain.
""you've thrombosis,"" explained dr. kane.
""in your bowel you've got,
on your scan, a big spot.
it's a clot in your left colic vein.""
"
"it's so tall, it's a look-up-above plant?
the orchid that's known as the dove plant,
though surely not solely.
it's also called holy
ghost orchid. it's not a free love plant.
"
"i'm assuming my bank will agree
to the role of the payer (drawee)
of this check to my boss
to make up for his loss
when i set free his pet chimpanzee.
"
"a zoologist based in armenia
found this lizard in spain: amphisbaenia.
it was worm-like and slick,
but the poor beast was sick,
and it died of acute glucopenia.
"
"someone's raided my lab, and has stolen
that piece of mcgee's descending colon
that his surgeon suggested
be studied and tested.
his bowel had bled and was swollen.
"
"you'll be living with us? here's the deal:
our routines we will gladly reveal.
we reside here informally;
dinner we normally
eat with the kids, en famille.
"
"in the great ancient city called chalcis,
mom bought ouzo to give to aunt sal. sis
cried: ""booze in that chalice
from euboea's old palace?
one sip and she'll feel anastalsis!""
"
"""in this helmet you seem to extol,
i have noticed?each side has a hole,
and what's more, they appear
to go over each ear.""
""they allow you to hear. that's their role.""
"
"be aware of olympic contenders.
some are title and record defenders
with previous glories,
while for others these stories
are starters, and not (we hope) enders.
"
"""here's a scroll; it's on parchment,"" said marta.
""in the courts, we would say it's on charta.
either way, it's a find
of an earth-shaking kind,
from 600 bc?ancient sparta.""
"
"this plant's california live oak,
a fine tree known to golden state folk.
it's encountered the most
growing close to the coast.
that's the landscape its photos invoke.
"
"when chaucer said something was drad,
he implied that its outlook was bad.
it was something that's dreaded,
like being beheaded.
that clear? just a tad? well, i'm glad.
"
"ice can really be dry? so i'm told!
it's a way to keep frozen stuff cold.
you just take co2,
make it solid?then you
can keep temperatures somewhat controlled.
"
"to look good in my new low-cut gown,
i've decided i ought to lie down
unattired, in the sun.
i will know that i'm done
when i turn a deep tan?i embrown.
"
"your screenplay's so dull, i've a notion
to add scenes of despair and devotion.
i'll add lows?also highs?
i'll emotionalize,
causing audience tears and commotion.
"
"scandinavian birdies may perch
on this beautiful tree: downy birch,
so to see one, go speedin'
to norway or sweden.
that eden is where you should search.
"
"his wife deena serves undercooked meats
and creamed corn?that's the food steven eats,
as that's all she prepares.
""it's a shame,"" he declares.
""peas and carrots, for me, would be treats.""
"
"""you'll get dough for your dancing,"" said skip.
""your emolument's earned when you strip.""
""is that hourly pay
that i'll get every day?""
she inquired. ""no, it's more like a tip.""
"
"like a dope, on occasion i go
and write tomes about things i don't know.
then some errors are found,
and i feel that i'm bound
to retract them, and so i eat crow.
"
"here's a word i approach with a smile,
as it's usually followed by vile,
but you have my assurance:
the meaning of durance
is ""detention""?in old-fashioned style.
"
"when you're duck hunting (also called ducking),
you should listen for quacking, not clucking.
see a wild?not a tame?
duck fly by, then take aim.
with good luck, soon its carcass you're plucking.
"
"proper eye makeup makes you look finer.
use eyeshadow after eye-liner.
be careful; don't smear,
or the eye may appear
hematomatous, just like a shiner.
"
"the principal preached his polemic:
""in our prep school,  deception's endemic?
in each student's career,
from his first to last year.
the corruption, i fear, is systemic.""
"
"to fertilize crops, this stuff might rate
an income, though likely a slight rate
of profit, but sweeter
is chile saltpeter
for gunpowder: sodium nitrate.
"
"""i'm in search of a good magazine.""
""they are sold in the upstairs canteen.
use the entresol door
(just between the first floor
and the second)?the store's mezzanine.""
"
"razing towers, we never get bored.
imprecision we just can't afford;
our explosions will stink
if they're not quite in sync,
so i think we'll use detonating cord.
"
"an oppressor, a tyrant, a meanie,
his ego inflated (not teeny),
il duce would strut,
and his lower jaw'd jut.
what a pain in the gut?mussolini!
"
"""dr. crock says,"" mom sighs through her tears,
""dad's cachaemic. his blood, it appears,
is in awful condition.""
""please change your physician,""
i say. ""dad's been dead for two years.""
"
"lynn's a cynic; i fear she'll embitter
my kids if she's hired as a sitter.
she might rob them of trust,
and of joy, so i must
find an optimist. she would be fitter.
"
"tommy dorsey said, ""jimmy's my brother;
we've got  the same father and mother.""
said jimmy of tommy,
""yes, same dad and mommy.''
each sib led a band, like the other.
"
"old man stokes seems unusually dense.
folks make jokes at this elder's expense.
though an old-timer, he
claims he's just twenty-three,
speaking dotardly?making no sense.
"
"as the wind picked up speed and blew blusteringly,
we clutched one another, bunched clusteringly.
as we tried to walk back
through the gale's strong attack,
all our muscles were mobilized musteringly.
"
"the lecherous prof, dr. beattie,
was the object of deedee's entreaty.
""i'll respond to your plea,
raise your grade to a c,""
he said, squeezing her knee. ""you're a sweetie!""
"
"i was locked in my lover's embracement,
and he sighed: ""there can be no replacement
for your looks and your charms.""
i was clasped in his arms
as i asked: ""but why here, in the basement?""
"
"i'm flat broke and for help i entreat.
in my kitchen there's nothing to eat.
i've no money to feed
my old dad; we're in need,
so i beg and i plead in the street.
"
"junior's stance is attentive, en garde,
as he waits with his sword in the yard.
sure, he's ready to lunge,
but his blade's made of sponge,
so i'm certain you won't end up scarred.
"
"mix some syrups with oils and you'll get
an eclegm. (are you wondering yet?)
if you swallow a dose,
you may think it tastes gross,
as it's medicine. who would have bet?
"
"remember that year someone stole
our fair city's electoral roll?
every voter's full name
was purloined. what a shame!
now we're using much tighter control.
"
"california sagebrush grows free.
if you pick some, i'll make you a tea.
it's medicinal?damps
women's menstrual cramps,
and cures colds?so old textbooks decree.
"
"in kyoto, a beautiful geisha
developed severe dyssebacia.
skin scaly and red,
she took to her bed
till her doctor prescribed echinacea.
"
"when you're out for a sweet sunday sail,
and the wind starts to blow like a gale,
there's a strong sturdy rope
that can help you to cope:
it's the downhaul which pulls down your sail.
"
"easter bonnets (which may be home-made)
worn on heads in the easter parade,
can be sweet and romantic.
the weird or gigantic
are not worn again, i'm afraid.
"
"""plastic surgery,"" nurses all said,
when i woke in a hospital bed.
though still groggy and dazed,
i was startled, amazed.
god be praised! i had feared i was dead.
"
"on the windshield, inside of your car,
hang this e-zpass. then when you are
at a toll booth stop, you
needn't wait?drive right through
like a bigwig, a star, or a czar.
"
"as your prez, i'm described as parental
when i boost certain bills environmental,
but we have to take care,
as our water, our air,
and terrain are a mess continental.
"
"an ephemeran? that is a mayfly,
a short-lived, but rather okay fly.
its life's not complex?
it's created for sex?
a be-gay-as-your-life-slips-away fly.
"
"aunt mitzi gives uncle fritz fits;
as she ages, she's more of a ditz.
when a bill she must pay,
in her scatterbrained way
she will sign her check ""charles of the ritz.""
"
"my friend rita had asked that i meet 'er
at her brother's new bistro: chez peter.
when i groused that the meat
was as hard as concrete,
rita cried, ""gee, you're some picky eater!""
"
"though this jumbo-leafed plant may appear
in the tropics, the elephant's ear
can be grown in a pot,
but believe it or not,
its huge leaves are unable to hear.
"
"the psychiatry ward? it may be
quite the right place for you?but not me.
i can't stomach the cooking.
when no one was looking
i scarpered, a glad elopee.
"
"at our company's fete and parade,
all the customary forecasts wade made
cast their usual spell:
""we will keep doing well!""
(he did not tell the truth, i'm afraid.)
"
"my son has a sense of fair play.
his sport? it is fencing, epee.
there are rules and constraints
as he lunges and feints,
but he's lithe as a star of ballet.
"
"""what's emboguing? the word makes me shiver,""
cried liv. ""it's the mouth of a river,""
i replied. ""you appear
to be shaking, my dear.""
""yes, my phobia's making me quiver!""
"
"my new system of signs alphabetic,
is convenient and also esthetic.
for s, there's a sweater;
i've drawn every letter
as a picture. it's acrophonetic.
"
"the word durancy's meaning's ""duration,""
like the forty long weeks of  gestation,
or the one-minute span
of the waltz by chopin,
or my annual ten day vacation.
"
"before my life tumbled downhill,
i regarded the world with goodwill.
i acted benevolently
till the devil, malevolently,
convinced me of sin's greater thrill.
"
"every month it's the same: cousin leah
complains of great pain. could it be a
severe complication
of leah's menstruation?
the doc says it's dysmenorrhoea.
"
"we don't swim there?the thought makes me shiver?
but we natives adore the east river.
try my bait?fishing's great.
cross this gay new york strait,
as my package to queens you deliver.
"
"my electrolytes, doctors all say,
aren't balanced. too little na
can be found in my blood,
but it seems i've a flood
of mg, and ca?also k.
"
"play this ode on the flute and euphonium,
as i sing to the word carpogonium.
consider, i beg,
in some seaweed, each egg
is a gonad. there's no pandemonium.
"
"the history prof was appalled; he
had written love poems in chaldee?
an ancient tongue used
in chaldea. amused,
his beloved replied, ""get lost, baldy!""
"
"mom and willy were asked to compare a
group of medicines, then to declare a
pill they thought seemed to be
best for will's add,
and indeed both agreed on strattera.
"
"yes, it's bottle grass, commonly seen
round the world, like a foxtail that's green,
and the ancestor of
grain that east asians love,
still a staple of chinese cuisine.
"
"earl's christmas gift made my head whirl;
i'm convinced it would wow any girl.
it's legit?no way phony?
it's real abalone.
from an ear shell, it's mother-of-pearl.
"
"he's a dummkopf, a blockhead, a moax,
the type about whom we make jokes.
he is so much a dope
that we haven't much hope
he'll fit in with us capable folks.
"
"when jen entered the ballroom enchantingly,
ed started to flirt, breathing pantingly.
""jen's charm and vivacity
awoke ed's audacity,""
said his wife, as she looked at him slantingly.
"
"""like that pure, na?ve beast i was born,""
the castrato lamented, forlorn.
""while i play any brass,
i must sing, as, alas,
there's no place for a good eunuch horn.""
"
"if you might intervene, but you wait,
and a murder takes place (you're too late),
you may rue, your life through,
what you chose not to do,
'cause bloodguiltiness may be your fate.
"
"writing limericks, i'm not quite content.
i work hard and i don't make a cent.
though friends like what i write?
eat it up?their delight
hardly helps with the phone bill or rent.
"
"an elogist finds the apt phrase
in a song or a poem of praise
that he loudly proclaims?
a pronouncement that aims
to amaze and set passions ablaze.
"
"genus diceros?that's the black rhino,
though he's gray, and the white's no albino,
but has wide upper lips
(not a hooked lip that dips).
we're reminded, by each, of a dino.
"
"ty, an eyewitness, saw the event.
it's your claim that your truck got a dent
hitting joe's stone abode,
which was too near the road.
ty observed that joe lived in a tent.
"
"a vampire will bite with his eyeteeth.
they're aggressive, and not very shy teeth.
to avoid being bled,
have his teeth pulled. instead
of attacking, he'll murmur: ""bye-bye teeth!""
"
"""do i bulge in these pants?"" my wife said.
""do i seem fat behind?"" i turned red.
""i don't dare say 'extremely,'""
i thought. ""too unseemly,
though her seams stretch so tight that they're spread.""
"
"ellis island became the first station
in the route to desired immigration
to the u. s. of a.
millions hoped they could stay
to sink roots in this welcoming nation.
"
"my new kitten's a cute cuddly persian,
and he's outgoing?shows extraversion.
see him play on my knee?
no  philosopher, he.
in real life there is total immersion.
"
"that's a very nice sketch you made, mister.
it looks like my acne-blotched sister?
realistically bistered,
face brownish and blistered;
small wonder the guys all resist her.
"
"bring that jewel to court, sir, and you'll
learn a lesson you missed back in school.
what is found without warrant
in a search is abhorrent?
can't be used?the exclusionary rule.
"
"prof, you obfuscate, using amphiboly,
teaching embryo growth and epiboly.
just say ""cells grow, abound,
till they fully surround
other tissues"" (my offered possibile).
"
"black locust's the kind of a tree
that's familiar as coffee or tea?
not a plague that would harrow
the biblical pharaoh?
the tree whose first cousin's a pea.
"
"when you excavate something, you dig,
with the hope that you'll find something big.
you may find a rare relic?
a madonna, angelic?
or the humble remains of a pig.
"
"now, in 2012, it seems strange
that i choose oor. that's a change,
as we're working on es,
haven't tried fs or gs;
my defined word is well out of range.
"
"in ernani, emotions run hot
with its barely believable plot,
full of loving and fighting.
the singing's exciting,
but subtle this opera is not.
"
"the suffragist struggle: the prequel.
""the woman,"" we said, ""is man's equal!""
so i cook and keep house
for my kids and my spouse,
while i hold down two jobs?that's the sequel.
"
"in my coursework i'm feeling quite bruised;
electricity makes me confused.
i ask, ""cathode, your highness,
is it plus?  is it minus?""
""it's according to how the word's used.""
"
"my beautiful daughter emilia
has the ""bleeding disease""?hemophilia.
her bleeding's an issue
for the covering tissue
of her organs?her thin epithelia.
"
"you're abusing my spousal largesse
when you're spending de trop (in excess),
going over our limits.
my bank account's grim; it's
a balance near zero?a mess!
"
"some folks have disorders of eating.
""i'm not hungry,"" they claim, thus repeating
their refusal of food.
some throw up and conclude
that to binge and then vomit's ""not cheating.""
"
"there are words where we make an elision,
though not via conscious decision.
a vowel's omission,
by use and attrition,
accounts for this common revision.
"
"i grew up in new york. therefore i'm
used to living on this: eastern time,
and i think of l.a.
as three hours away.
wish the trip were that short?how sublime!
"
"as a singular noun, experts hold,
entrail is a word meaning ""fold,""
while when plural, it's ""guts,""
but (and this drives me nuts),
as a verb, ""intertwine""?that word's old.
"
"archeologists mavis and dave
met a cave-dwelling hermit who gave
his consent to dig fossils
of christ's twelve apostles:
""you may stay, but must pay to excave.""
"
"to exasperate?irk, or enrage,
rouse to anger that's hard to assuage,
or incense, or annoy,
like the front-row-seat boy
who sends texts while you're acting onstage.
"
"your allowance you always exceed,
buying stuff you don't pay for or need.
shops send overdue bills
to your dad. we get chills
when we deal with your consummate greed.
"
"the contest was truly demanding?
write an essay: ""the cosmos, expanding.""
to the challenge i rose;
my ten pages of prose
were exceptional (stellar, outstanding).
"
"on this plaque in the place where we maffick,
there's a message incised, epigraphic:
""though you may feel elation
at this grand celebration,
you'll hate driving home in the traffic.""
"
"a dune is a huge heap of sand
in a desert, or else on a strand.
you will seldom see one
all alone in the sun;
they're in series across the dry land.
"
"cousin grace was observing a race
when a car, hit and hurled into space,
crashed above where she sat.
then she tasted blood that
trickled dropwise and splashed on her face.
"
"the ephor (a magistrate, spartan)
had a job that would certainly hearten
modern men?one of five
who had power to drive
an intransigent ruler to smarten.
"
"beware of the mountebank's pitches
extolling this plant: dutchman's-breeches.
its effects sometimes clash;
it can treat or cause rash.
there are much better treatments for itches.
"
"gunther asked, ""what's this word you wrote?dunder?
is dander misspelled? did you blunder?""
""making rum, it's the lees
from a sugar cane squeeze.
i spell well, if you please, so don't wonder!""
"
"said the surgeon: ""the tumor i spied
in his liver is trying to hide,
so make sure that you keep
this poor fellow asleep.
i'll move entad?that's deeper inside.""
"
"your son's x-ray will cause no debate.
his bone's epiphyseal plate
has a very clear crack
from the front to the back,
though the leg bone itself remains straight.
"
"epiphysis: name of the zone,
at the end of a person's long bone,
that connects with a joint,
and at which we will point
on a film to see how the bone's grown.
"
"there's a threat to my african villa
from the eastern-type lowland gorilla.
it's a large burly species
which eats its own feces?
like king kong with a touch of godzilla.
"
"my buddies report you insist
that i'm one of the girls you have kissed.
that's a lie?a false claim?
so abolish my shame
by expunging my name from your list.
"
"each gal in my needlework group
has a useful embroidery hoop,
every one of us knowing
it helps with our sewing.
it won't let our needlepoint droop.
"
"""saw this word in an ad on the telly;
does it rhyme,"" queried shelly, ""with belly?""
""it means 'grade school and high school'?
younger brother's and my school.""
""what? 'el-hie'? but its spelling's like delhi!""
"
"our ballots reflect our reactions:
we are equally split?in two factions.
should we bankroll your show?
half vote yes; half vote no.
half accept, half reject its attractions.
"
"beaumarchais wrote a trio of plays,
not produced very much nowadays.
but on opera's stages
his comedies' pages
live on in miraculous ways.
"
"great-grandma was seldom in estrus,
but when estrus came 'round, sex was bestrus.
she undressed with finesse
and dispensed her largesse
with success?thus became my ancestress.
"
"the economy's ebbing recessionarily
has the pundits predicting depressionarily.
mayors give the impression
that they seek this concession:
limit union-won wages discretionarily.
"
"in all of our everyday dealing,
you appear not to sense how we're feeling.
i've discovered that you
have a dismal eq,
while mine's high?it resides near the ceiling.
"
"consider the poor thyroid gland.
it is ductless by nature's command.
round the larynx it's tucked,
but it hasn't a duct.
hormones enter the blood. understand?
"
"social orders, to me, are not fixed.
nations thrive when their classes are mixed,
but your casteism's firm?
a deplorable term!?
so, with you, intermarriage is nixed.
"
"where i'm living, the lifestyle's exurban:
we sit poolside, sip wine, beer, or bourbon,
far away from the city,
in a place that is pretty,
outside the metropolis?durban.
"
"in this opera's peculiar libretto,
a shoemaker, down in the ghetto,
punches eyelets. we hear
him sing: ""dear eyeleteer!""
to his bodkin, his awl, his stiletto.
"
"in this limerick i'm writing about
the top rank in the line?eagle scout:
many boy scouts will try
for this level?it's high,
and it offers a great deal of clout.
"
"this powerful antibiotic
is dissolved in solution aquatic.
put two drops in your eye,
and you'll find, by and by,
it is neither inflamed nor necrotic.
"
"crafty cupid declared himself smart,
aimed his dart right at bart's crux of heart,
where its four chambers meet.
""he'll sing love songs, so sweet!""
but he hit the wrong part, got a fart.	
"
"you're a drunkard, my friend, on the brink
of disaster; it's worse than you think,
if when ending a snooze,
it's not coffee, but booze
that's your eye-opener?very first drink.
"
"let your need for a drink on arising
be an eye-opener (something surprising)
that defeats your resistance.
you're in need of assistance.
""get some help,"" you will find me advising.
"
"on historical maps of japan,
you might find a surprise. as you scan,
you may spot an old name
for hokkaido. i claim
it was ezo when mapping began.
"
"can a happier species replace
the box crab? the beast's a disgrace!
seems the creature has sinned,
'cause it looks so chagrined
as its claws fold in front of its face.
"
"when pests make their nests in your house,
and intimidate you and your spouse,
the exterminator tries,
with his toxic supplies,
to destroy every cockroach and mouse.
"
"if it's sippin' you crave, and not eatin',
try a smoothie with fruit that is beaten.
as your drink you emulsify,
add some honey to dulcify.
(that's a wonderful way to say sweeten!)
"
"our pastor exclaimed with dismay:
""we are here not to play, but to pray!""
but a mischievous elf
then asserted itself,
and a bingo game started that day.
"
"i've a right to sound sleep, but my nights
are disturbed by your kickboxing fights.
while your upstairs-room tussles
surely exercise muscles,
let me exercise too?what?  my rights.
"
"our homework from music class: practice,
but the exercise doesn't attract us.
though i don't mean to carp,
playing scales on the harp
makes the skin on our fingers like cactus.
"
"to exorcize spirits, pray tell,
can you teach me a failure-proof spell
to expel the fell demon
who dries up my semen?
back to dwell in his cell down in hell?
"
"it's not easy to be sympathetic
when a roommate becomes enuretic
(starts wetting the bed)
in the bunk overhead.
it's no wonder you're getting frenetic.
"
"certain foodstuffs i greatly admire,
buying more than i really require,
so they're still in the kitchen
on their ""use by..."" date. bitchin',
i'm pitchin' when products expire.
"
"the word dum-dum's a way to say ""fool.""
also rum-dum describes someone who'll
make such ignorant gaffes
that the public just laughs,
as the fellow seems dumb as a mule.
"
"we surveyors make use of the level.
in its modern-day versions we revel,
but the old kind?the dumpy?
seems dated and frumpy.
want to sell me one? go to the devil!
"
"""i've got crohn's disease?that's my confession,""
sighed beth. ""can you help my depression?""
""it is epiphenomenal;
your problem's abdominal.""
said her shrink at their very first session.
"
"how in hell will we get up this peak,
way across this wide canyon and creek?
cable tramway? a railway?
it seems like a frail way,
looks weak?man, that cable's antique!
"
"vic takes vicodin?lots?for his pains,
then tries morphine, but torment remains.
both drug doses are high.
why? cross-tolerance. i
think he'll soon shoot the stuff in his veins!
"
" easter island (it's called rapa nui),
has statues that look kinda screwy.
great stone heads seem to be
staring out to the sea,
like aunt bea glares at poor uncle louie.
"
"in the course of kids' normal morphosis,
each one closes his ductus arteriosus
when he starts breathing air.
it should shut then and there,
or the infant may show cyanosis.
"
"the magician first bowed to the crowd.
""nothing cached up my sleeve,"" he avowed,
but the detonative load
in his hat may explode
very loudly. he'd then need a shroud.
"
"when something's exsuccous, it's dry,
like these lemons, all withered. that's why,
shriveled up, without juice,
they're of no earthly use
in preparing your favorite pie.
"
"claude gets maudlin on too many beers.
when our team wins a game, the gang cheers?
that's when eyewater flows
and drips down on claude's clothes.
he's a sap, heaven knows, with those tears!
"
"here's the problem we're trying to solve:
just how will we humans evolve?
will we access perfection
through nature's selection,
or through effort, and faith, and resolve?
"
"these traits that we deem evolutional
our faculty finds attributional
(after careful inspection)
to nature's selection.
the concept's, for us, institutional.
"
"in your quest for a mate, you explore
dating services, singles clubs, more,
though you only need search
one door down?that's my perch,
and i'm gorgeous?the lady next door.
"
"dr. proctor is now on sabbatical.
his studies are biomathematical;
he wrote an anthology
called math and biology
that his colleagues all think is fanatical.
"
"in astronomy class, i asked janet
to explain what is meant by dwarf planet.
""well, it orbits the sun,
and now pluto is one,
but that can't be much fun,"" she said. ""can it?""
"
"""what's this pain in my scrotum?"" asked titus.
""your specimen shows a detritus?
dead cells and live germs?
that is mixed with your sperms,""
said his doc, ""you have epididymitis.""
"
"cryptic crosswords have difficult clues.
twisted logic they frequently use?
sometimes anagrams too.
though i've solved quite a few,
they're not puzzles i usually choose.
"
"you may learn, from instruction religionous,
that true beauty is never epigenous.
disregard a gal's skin;
look for spirit within.
(if she's cute, that's a plus, but just smidgenous.)
"
"long ago, when a cold brought the threat
of pneumonia, you'd use this, i'll bet:
it was called dover's powder.
your moans would grow louder
as you'd sweat, and you'd get soaking wet.
"
"cheech &amp; chong are a couple of jokers.
at society's rules they are pokers.
their movies were hot;
kids enjoyed them a lot.
yes, of pot their personas were smokers.
"
"something cribriform looks like a sieve,
or a board that's been stabbed with a shiv
many times, or what's known
as your skull's ethmoid bone.
these examples are all i can give.
"
"in the past, people seemed to impute
to this beautiful plant, culver's root,
some medicinal powers.
though i treasure its flowers,
the rest i will have to refute.
"
"let's dialogize, chat or converse.
our exchange may  be lengthy or terse.
we may have our discussion
in english or russian?
or klingon?for better or worse.
"
"when i mention my own infertility
and its treatment, my wife shows fragility.
she's not sure she can cope,
but i try to bring hope.
i'm depending on jill's affectability.
"
"an emptor, you're someone who'll shop;
you'll enjoy either purchase or swap.
though this sale is a tempter,
think ""caveat emptor""?
these knockoffs are shoddy, so stop!
"
"when our soccer team won, it was heaven.
we called them our ""golden eleven.""
then four players were hurt
and they had to convert.
water polo's their game, as they're seven.
"
"i discovered your list, alphabetical,
and discerned certain names epithetical:
""father francis, the wuss"";
""pastor paul, pizzle-puss"".
bishop burms, are these terms not heretical?
"
"downy hawthorn (it's called downy haw)
is a tree with a singular flaw:
though its stems may be woolly,
the tree, when grown fully,
has thorns that may injure your paw.
"
"my mentor contends we should never
embark on a project?endeavor
to refashion the earth.
plans may seem to have worth,
but might damage our planet forever.
"
"you're determined to sell me some stock?
please arrive about seven o'clock.
north on fourth, then turn right
at the red blinking light.
mine's the eastmost (last) house on the block.
"
"toward more specialized function's the norm.
from your stem cell, white corpuscles form.
dedifferentiation?
reversed situation:
from white cells to stem cells?a swarm.
"
"what's the verdict? i wait in suspense.
was my action a criminal offense?
seems my bookkeeping error,
deemed fraud, brought this terror.
hope the jury has plain common sense!
"
"round the lab i must have a dosimeter
at all stations within its perimeter.
this safety device
is worth more than its price.
it's of risky exposure a limiter.
"
"the duck hunters hide in a blind,
or a duckhunter boat. they don't mind.
if they're lucky, these schmucks
get to murder some ducks.
too bad ducks can't repay them in kind.
"
"the word coming next? it's emotive.
of feelings it's clearly denotive,
like a  love song you sing
or a big diamond ring
that will lead to a rite that is votive.
"
"in his dogate (his reign) as a mogul,
his agents in spy networks dogal
deterred opposition.
this nefarious mission
would've made a good story for gogol.
"
"every  new drafting instrument serves
to help herb win the fame he deserves?
every compass, and pencil,
and t-square, and stencil.
for his birthday, i'll buy him french curves.
"
"our lab's gerontology crew
all came down with that new kind of flu,
but the old folks, protected,
remained uninfected?
vaccines we came up with came through.
"
"certain words are confusing for me:
first take caramel, sweet as can be;
the drug calomel stuns
and can give you the runs,
and a caravel sails on the sea!
"
"several verbs mean ""to rouse or excite,""
like the sound of a fire alarm might.
can we really improve
on archaic emmove?
seems to me that old word says it right!
"
"many companies prize eaps.
they please bosses; they please employees,
since for workers in need,
their referrals, indeed,
help with any distress or disease.
"
"""empoison,"" said kit, ""means 'embitter,'
as a bully might do, or a hitter.""
buck's response was abrupt:
""no, the word means 'corrupt.'""
""it means both,"" kit replied, with a titter.
"
"""go to any parisian bank
to exchange us dollars,"" said hank,
""for the currency which
is in use since the switch.
it's the euro, no longer the franc.""
"
"caveman dana devised a device?
a tool?one for chopping up ice,
which in winter's cold grip
saved him many a slip.
then in summer, martinis were nice.
"
"""found among oddball fauna and flora
is this sucker-topped creature, se?ora.""
""from what family?""  ""i'd guess
echeneidae.""  ""oh yes,
it's a fish of that we call a remora.""
"
"joe showed nerve damage?symptoms were neural?
when he suffered a clot extradural
(twixt his skull and his brain).
speech confusions were plain:
nouns were singular rather than plural.
"
"i'm insulted and angry, of course.
friends have claimed i'm one end of a horse.
what they've actually said
doesn't indicate ""head,""
and i fear it's the rear they endorse.
"
"do not badmouth the dusky-footed woodrat.
he's no baddie, no gangster, no hood-rat.
though he may  have a tick
that will make you sick quick,
it's not really his fault?he's a good rat!
"
"lech said, ""how do i love thee? oh, heck,
let me count all the ways?you can check?
like a poet's  june moon,
like a lovesick baboon?""
""that's the dregs,"" becky answered, ""just dreck!""
"
"my blind date was with dave's sister gail.
i had guessed she'd be dainty and frail.
""she is often compared
with a dwarf,"" dave declared,
but the dwarf that he meant? dwarf sperm whale!
"
"an amoret's somebody who
is a wanton (wants more sex than you),
an amorous ditty,
or midwestern city
with zip 64722.
"
"it's a game that my eighth graders played:
i'd ask, ""what's a good word for decayed?""
the response i have cherished
for years is ""emperished,""
which a budding young linguist once made.
"
"larva migrans, called duckhunter's itch,
is a troublesome skin disease which,
due to migrating larvae,
made a mess out of harvey,
and ended his last army hitch.
"
"""our excursion to france was aborted.
cruddy food spoiled that trip,"" courtney snorted
in lines anapestic.
""all their cheese was domestic;
at home i use only imported.""
"
"dysautonomia's signs? there are lots,
such as impotence, fainting, the trots.
it is not just from stress
one gets p-o-t-s
and i can't cure your pots with some shots.
"
"on tv, these experienced actors
play surgeons. some relevant factors
are their talents with tools,
so they don't look like fools
pulling tonsils or teeth with extractors.
"
"when you claim that your statement's exact,
you declare it's a matter of fact.
you have figured it out,
and without any doubt,
your conclusion's reality-backed.
"
"the professor's harangue was polemical.
""this strange rash is, you fool, epidemical.
it's infectious and spread
by a virus,"" he said.
""no, the cause,"" i contended, ""is chemical!""
"
"ezra, a biblical priest,
was, back in the ancient near east,
to jerusalem sent
by a king. he was meant
to see faith was restored and increased.
"
"the growth on this log, 'twould appear,
is a fungus that looks rather queer.
it is reddish in hue,
fan- or kidney-shaped too,
but its name says it's shaped like an ear.
"
"to extrapolate means ""to infer
what may be, or may likely occur,""
based on that which you know.
you are hoping it's so;
you won't like eating crow if you err.
"
"writer penny knows many a pen trick,
each a frequent, not now-and-again trick.
for bizarre glitz and glamor,
she shuns standard grammar,
and her spelling, as well, is excentric.
"
"once dexamyl, drug of renown,
was widely prescribed in our town.
its brand name was coined
from a sedative joined
to a pep pill? folks felt ""up and down.""
"
"the capo, when dino demanded
that his share of the take be expanded,
cried: ""no wiseguy gets more
than the rest.  there's the door!""
he was canned, and he left empty-handed.
"
"to the exurb, i offer this ditty:
you are usually pricey, but pretty,
and your site geographic
protects you from traffic?
you're far enough out of the city.
"
"my new opera was staged! i'm exultant.
what? the spectators' jeers were resultant,
and my joy is misplaced?
holy cow, i'm disgraced.
guess i should have believed my consultant.
"
"once in prison, the ex-con is now
on parole, and is proud to avow
that he works every day
and relies on his pay
for his rent and his duds and his chow.
"
"it is neither arcane nor occult;
it applies both to child and adult:
when you've done something grand,
give yourself a big hand.
'cause you're proud, shout it loudly?exult!
"
"the dark beetle discovered by tex
was a male, and now becky suspects
that the greenish one she sees
is the very same species,
allotypically, though, female sex.
"
"the cruise started off as a frolic?
dining, dancing, and drinks alcoholic?
but there on the yacht
dot developed a clot
and her brain suffered damage embolic.
"
"our embranchment? our company's branching
from cattle- and sheep-raising (ranching)
to the sale of fine art.
though our boss thinks  it's smart,
our accountant's grown pale?man, he's blanching.
"
"plastic surgeons will do as they're bidden;
mine has taken some skin from my lid 'n'
made my eyes appear younger.
(to look youthful i hunger!)
my eyelift keeps aging well hidden.
"
"i was hired by a wealthy old gent;
i will cater his lavish event.
his big bash (extravaganza)
is for me a bonanza.
for him it's just money well spent.
"
"mel is blacklisted, thrown out as well.
why the headmaster's choice to expel?
seems his daughter confessed
that with mel she'd undressed,
and her belly was starting to swell.
"
"when my brain cells get high on endorphin,
i no longer feel lost, like an orphan.
the remarkable thing:
i feel more like a king.
all my other great pleasures it's dwarfin'.
"
"is an eyedropper someone who drops
his glass eye as he slips and he flops?
no, it measures out sera
in drips on your sclera;
quit squeezing the bulb and it stops.
"
"what's an eyebath? a very small cup?
not the kind that you'd use when you sup.
it's employed when your eye
is inflamed. you apply
liquid meds that will help it clear up.
"
"on our streets they are neatly arrayed?
these attractive dutch elms that give shade
as their branches are spread.
will they all soon be dead?
there's an illness we dread, i'm afraid.
"
"though joe's holdings, they say, are extensive,
he's a miser whose stance is defensive:
""can't afford to endorse
my wife's call for divorce,
'cause, of course, it would be too expensive.""
"
"dad's work on an ectype (a copy)
of ""winged victory"" seemed awfully sloppy.
her wings appeared shaggy,
her muscles were saggy,
and her breasts (this is nike?) were floppy.
"
"""the bible, in christian ontology,
tells god's plan and reveals its chronology.""
""there's no plan,"" says my wife.
""there's no purpose to life.""
her outlook's called dysteleology.
"
"the east indies comprise southeast asia,
with india, also malaysia,
and the islands, prolific,
between the pacific
and indian oceans. amaze ya?
"
"""are the rites of your church bacchanalian?""
asked the alien?a stranded australian.
i said: ""here in kigali,
we shun all such folly.
we've an anglican church, episcopalian.""
"
"a man who's atypically small
is called dwarfish. this fate may befall
an adult whose full height,
when he's measured upright,
is below 4-foot-10; that's not tall.
"
"my son's an extremist, it seems.
all his dreams have fanatical themes.
he promotes revolution
to exact retribution?
that's one of his radical schemes.
"
"when i take just one drink alcoholic,
my heart starts to race and to frolic.
i turn white as a sheet,
and i shake head to feet,
with each beat that is extrasystolic.
"
"sam the snake, fresh from full exuviation,
met an officer shouting: ""damnation!
this beast's shed his skin.
it's a crime and a sin.
for your nudity, here's a citation.""
"
"beach volleyball's sand-covered court
makes us think of a summer resort,
with some gals, in bikinis,
as sprightly as genies.
is this an olympic games sport?
"
"it is truly a marvelous sight:
when the sarge calls, ""eyes left!"" or ""eyes right!"",
eyes all turn to the brass;
in salute, soldiers pass.
marching troops on the grass? pure delight.
"
"said aunt sonya from spain (catalonia):
""this american herb, allionia,
though it lacks a perfume,
with its windmill-like bloom
is as pretty as any begonia.""
"
"to encircle, as dirk'll expound it,
pick a place, make a ring right around it?
like a dance round a pole,
or a donut its hole,
or the wreath on your head, once we've crowned it.
"
"a blackmailer oft will resort
to means of a villainous sort.
""give me cash or i'll tell
what will make your life hell.""
it's a sport for such guys to extort.
"
"seems a sandfly bit sue; dumdum fever
attacked this bright overachiever.
she caught kala-azar
in an african bar.
with these drugs i will try to relieve her.
"
"when i told him that humans use emmer
as food, lenny shook with a tremor.
""hell, we grow emmer wheat
for our livestock to eat!""
i cried: ""don't be a biased condemner.""
"
"in my college geology text,
the divisions of time leave me vexed;
i can't learn the earth's history.
each test is a mystery?
""name this epoch and that which comes next.""
"
"of dream vision, now let me speak:
a medieval poetic technique.
the great dante proposed
that his narrator dozed
and met virgil, his tour-guide?how chic!
"
"little ginny could not have been prouder;
grandpa gave her a gift: dusting powder
for after her bath.
she incurred grandma's wrath
when she added a scoop to the chowder.
"
"""eager beavers say, 'yes sir! yes ma'am!'
while they race for success,"" opined sam.
""seems your lodge-ic is flawed.
they don't cry when i-gnawed.
seems they wood,"" i replied, ""give a dam!""
"
"of this drip mold i aim to complain.
it's defective. how dare you maintain
it's an ample projection
for my doorway's protection,
while my sill still gets wet when there's rain.
"
"""my intestine's  inflamed. i'm in pain,
and my colon's sick too,"" i complain.
""is it coloenteritis
or enterocolitis?""
""they're the same,"" says doc blaine, ""in the main.""
"
"modern women are striving for parity?
equality, stated with clarity?
not for tiny concessions
in the sports and professions,
allowed in the spirit of charity.
"
"betty's math teacher said, in a sweat:
""i will teach you some set theory yet!""
but his best efforts failed,
and at betty he railed:
""your insights? a true empty set!""
"
"its larvae reside in a tent,
where they gather, without paying rent,
on the fork of a branch.
there they nibble, carte blanche.
as protection their thrashing is meant.
"
"i dressed for the ball as a farmer,
while jane came in allecret armor.
well, her garb was a gaffe
since it covered just half,
and the rest? if i told, it would harm her.
"
"thomas allen's career has been long,
on the opera stage and in song.
his diction's exacting,
he's expert at acting,
and his voice is both agile and strong.
"
"what's a chilean firebush? a tree.
when it blooms it's a marvel to see.
it has flowers so red
that it often is said
they're aflame, but we know that can't be.
"
"the shortstop was taken aback
and he threatened a legal attack.
""congress passed ada;
you can't toss me away.
i've got aviophobia, jack!""
"
"when my grandpa was suddenly sick,
i was sure he'd need help double-quick,
so i called 9-1-1
and yelled, ""rush! hurry! run!""
said a voice, ""is this some kind of trick?""

i replied, ""no, my grandpa is dying.
he needs help, double-quick, no denying.""
said the voice, ""to my mind
double-quick is one kind
of a march. now my patience you're trying!""
"
"fear intruders (that's burglars, not mice)
while you're out? i can quote a good price
on a camera that's quite
well-concealed, out of sight:
electronic surveillance device.
"
"eat a calabar bean and you'll feel
you've been poisoned.  it's toxic for real!
physostigmine inside
damned the witches it tried,
when they died in a witch's ordeal.
"
"make an entrance?come in through the door
to a room you've not been in before,
or pronounce it ""en-trance""
and go after romance?
charm the gals and have sweethearts galore.
"
"your load is ungainly and large
and will take lots of work to embarge.
it will fill, fore and aft,
our canal-going craft.
i regret the high fee i must charge.
"
"newt was creditable, high in repute.
though he wore a discreditable suit,
which was frayed, patched, and tattered,
he was right when it mattered.
this astute old galoot i salute!
"
"for aunt june's hundredth birthday today,
i have sculpted her likeness in clay,
and i hope she'll be pleased?
she so often is teased,
as the date of her birth is in may.
"
"she's outstanding in roles operatic,
with a voice that's both large and dramatic.
jane eaglen rates cheers
when on stage she appears,
and the ""bravas"" one hears are emphatic.
"
"my agreement is quick and spontaneous
to a trip that is extraforaneous.
any foray outdoors
always cheers, always scores,
never bores?small details are extraneous.
"
"the soprano, a coloratura,
sings with beauty, and also bravura,
but is never mundane.
she's a lady from spain,
from its west?born in extremadura.
"
"my best friend is a spendthrift. unending,
her extravagance (overblown spending),
makes me think she's afflicted:
to shopping addicted.
both her life and her psyche need mending.
"
"in a land that depends on agronomy,
a boycott can wreck the economy.
the old captain won't rise
to devise its demise?
the word boycott's a case of eponymy.
"
"russel often gets thumped when he wrestles.
blood pours forth into tissues. it nestles
and creates a black eye,
or a bruise on his thigh?
extravascular (outside its vessels).
"
"mitzi's tweeting has made me feel bitter.
she's called me a twit and a quitter?
envenomed descriptions
that give me conniptions.
how in hell does she fit them on twitter?
"
"ephemeron: word that's contrived
to mean ""something that's fleeting, short-lived?
something transient and brief
that escapes like a thief.""
from the greek ""for a day"" it's derived.
"
"""this conceit covers all?the whole sweep
of disorders disturbing one's sleep:
one may speak of dyssomnia.""
""does it cover sexomnia?
when one's dreaming, one turns and then [bleep]?""
"
"if my hymn you intend to entune,
to the loud-singing fad be immune.
pronounce the words neatly,
as written, and sweetly.
to intone my new tune, you must croon.
"
"is ""determinate cleavage"" befitting
a neckline, however unwitting,
that displays a gal's breasts?
no, the term's meaning rests
on an embryo's cells that are splitting.
"
"i'm an extravert?friendly, gregarious,
not a schemer who's vengeful, nefarious,
yet my rivals all claim
i'm a sham; what a shame!
you can't blame me?i find them hilarious.
"
"""mel's a fellow,"" says dad, ""of virility.
he has fathered four kids?that's fertility!
but they're all out of wedlock;
that's why we're in deadlock.
as fianc?? he lacks desirability.""
"
"lizzie's permanent wave came out frizzy.
her beautician she'll have to embusy
to remove all the frizz.
liz will check that she is
working calmly, and not in a tizzy.
"
"my cousin, who lives in khartoum,
is with child?so the neighbors presume?
but there's pain, so she screams,
and her pregnancy seems
extrauterine: outside the womb.
"
"englishwomen are known for their smarts,
in politics, letters, and arts.
among those of stature:
pm margaret thatcher,
and elizabeth, queen of brits' hearts.
"
"the endoderm: innermost layer
of the embryo, also great player
in forming the lung
and intestine; among
other tiers, it's these organs' purveyor.
"
"dwarf tulips are known to bloom early.
they're short and  they're trim?never burly.
you may plant in your bowers
these colorful flowers?
most smooth, but some petals grow curly.
"
"when parties bilaterally agree,
issue jointly a friendly decree,
and together they act?
sign a treaty or pact?
there are two sides, in fact, and not three.
"
"when we started the bates corporation,
the leadership caused us frustration,
but the seventh consecutive
bates chief executive
finally brought us salvation.
"
"our race track has tried to attract a
large crowd, so their cash would impact a
robust bottom line.
the new wager works fine:
pick two horses?it's called an exacta.
"
"when a skeleton's bones are in libya?
or in mali, or chad, or namibia?
in the desert they dwell
where it's hotter than hell.
it will scorch both the femur and tibia.
"
"smoke a salmon and call it your lox.
you won't shock people?stop any clocks.
on a bagel then plop it.
no timepiece will stop; it
won't knock people out of their socks.
"
"for obesity, guy wins the prize.
""can a surgeon excise, from his thighs
and his gut, excess fat?""
i inquire. ""and would that
mean he'd no longer wear an x-size?
"
"echocardiograms, using sound,
may contribute results that astound.
one example's detection
of heartbeat ejection;
its magnitude's easily found.
"
"once cordovan came from a goat,
in the days of the castle and moat.
now this leather we use
making wallets and shoes
comes from something that moos, or a shoat.
"
"my doctor has made a selection
for an antibiotic injection.
extrapulmonary (not
in my lung)?there i've got
what's called pleurisy?pleural infection.
"
"neighbors say norman bates is erratic?
sometimes frantic, and other times static,
but he's happy as hell
when he runs his motel
with his mummy, who's up in the attic.
"
"""the eustachian tube in each ear
must stay open, so hearing is clear,
but should the tube close,
it may pain you, god knows...""
""what? speak up! i can't hear you, i fear.""
"
"a duumvirate's rulers are dual;
it's a system where two people rule.
but to rule as a pair
needs a talent that's rare;
if they clash, each will look like a fool.
"
"since having a serious scare,
i prepare all my speeches with care.
comments extemporaneous
may include some extraneous
thoughts that just shouldn't be there.
"
"sales were falling; we made an assessment
that concluded we need some investment
in training our staff
how to smile and to laugh,
since our customers value empressement.
"
"""my plant's called enchanter's (yes) nightshade,
and bears blossoms,"" i read,  ""of a light shade.""
""not just light, they're pure white,""
mom opined. ""quite a sight.
for your bridesmaids, precisely the right shade!""
"
"a conjecture by lewis and trautz
that our chemistry lecturer spouts:
""the theory (collision)
explains with precision
reactions of compounds."" i've doubts.
"
"heard a singer last night at the met
in a role that i'll never forget.
john del carlo's his name;
singing buffo's his game,
and i haven't stopped laughing as yet.
"
"from the audience came an outpouring
of cheering; the bravos were roaring.
this show of effusiveness
wasn't obtrusiveness ?
only folks loudly adoring.
"
"my in-laws are terribly  clannish;
when i visit, they chatter in spanish.
i feel so neglected,
left out, disrespected,
i make myself scarce?i evanish.
"
"at my workbench i toil energetically,
as i seek antiferromagnetically
coupled atoms. what for?
why work hard at this chore?
'cause my prof said it pleased him esthetically.
"
"two structures are both called eustachian?
one, in mammals and creatures batrachian,
is a tube in their ears,
while the other appears
in our hearts since, at least, times noachian.
"
"then said len: ""there's no need to excuse
any impious words that i choose,
since my constant profanity
is a gift to humanity.
no apologies, man, i refuse!""
"
"the eagle's a powerful raptor,
to our lifestyle a clever adapter.
near its nest you reside?
keep your dachshund inside,
or you'll find that an eagle's its captor.
"
"when an exudate flowed from the wound
of the sailor so cruelly harpooned,
his doctor reflected,
""your leg's so infected,
i'll remove it."" the seaman then swooned.
"
"when you extricate someone (remove him
from harm), you've made steps that improve him.
you have pulled the guy out
for good reason, no doubt,
so that thankful expressions behoove him.
"
"my son joe spent extravagantly, so
he was broke and was asking for dough.
""your luxury buying,""
i sighed, ""is so trying.""
denying, i answered him: ""no!""
"
"toward our planet, that asteroid's wending,
to cause damage beyond the earth's mending.
grab the one you adore
and make love! why? what for?
to make certain our world's happy ending.
"
"elephantiac, victor was stricken
by an ailment that made his skin thicken.
it wasn't psoriasis,
but elephantiasis?
worms were what caused him to sicken.
"
"patty's practice has one major flaw:
lack of guidelines on which she might draw.
there are no regulations,
no specifications.
extralegal, it's outside the law.
"
"they're events that occur now and then?
episodic: we can't say just when.
like my red itchy rashes,
or grandma's hot flashes,
they leave us but come back again.
"
"no, it isn't a moose that's psychotic;
the elknut's not even neurotic.
it's a southeastern shrub
used by bison for grub
in the past; just its name is exotic.
"
"schizophrenics, at times, show a trait
called echopathy, part of their fate.
they compulsively mimic
acts or speech?it's no gimmick.
either way, it's a terrible state.
"
"""paper's due on the life of a sheik.
if you plagiarize one, dad will freak!""
""i can buy one. i'll try
for a sheik from dubai.""
(cheaters do buy such papers?some cheek!)
"
"""i won't go on the road any more.
i find planes and hotel rooms a bore,""
said the shortstop. ""i'll play games
at home?not away games.""
the manager showed him the door.
"
"the names of some plants may sound silly.
a shrub that is found down in chile
produces a nut
that is edible, but
don't just cut off its fruit  willy-nilly.
"
"here's the last of the council's concerns:
drymoglossum?we'd thought to buy ferns
all the way from new guinea,
but we find them too skinny.
case closed, now the meeting adjourns.
"
"i'm convinced that i'll always admire
that chaste monk whose great feelings inspire
pity, ruth, and esteem.
his laments are extreme,
so we call him our own ""deep-fet friar.""
"
"our professor addressed us didactically:
""males and females attract chemotactically.
should girls' pheromones move you,
i'll warn, not reprove you:
use condoms, young studs, prophylactically.""
"
"when helen runs off with prince paris,
her actions abash (they embarrass)
old king menelaus.
his arguments sway us
to join him, the trojans to harass.
"
"the result of a fortnight of toiling,
in the cauldron, my mixture is roiling.
there's a drug worth a lot
in the bones in this pot.
i'll elixate?extract it by boiling.
"
"it was bred in a northerly region?
the elkhound, a dog that's norwegian.
it can hunt deer and birds,
serves as guard dog, and herds
flocks of sheep?seems its talents are legion.
"
"when euripides scripted medea,
he never believed there would be a
set of modern productions
that spurned his instructions;
one's set in a bronx pizzeria.
"
"""what to call us? the task's not gigantic.
our ancestors' tale is romantic.
i think we're called euro-
american."" ""sure?"" ""oh,
from finland, they crossed the atlantic.""
"
"as a bull, zeus descended in hope a
great lady he'd win and elope. a
quick journey to crete,
and the task was complete.
three fine offspring he sired with europa.
"
"galileo examines the skies.
circling jupiter, moons he espies.
he describes and names four
(though there really are more),
and europa's the smallest in size.
"
"i had heartily hoped i'd reside
on manhattan's delightful east side,
where i'd see the east river
(the thought makes me shiver).
in queens i, alas, now abide.
"
"my cholesterol's down. on reflection,
i treasure my cardioprotection.
these great statin pills
stave off cardiac ills,
as my blood tests are now pure perfection.
"
"gert asserts (she's our young gerontologist)
she's a hernia-savvy taxologist.
now she's added one, finally,
that's noticed vaginally?
advised by her new gynecologist.
"
"here's a painting with great chiaroscuro.
it's for sale, says the sign on the bureau,
but the salesperson hollers:
""we don't accept dollars!
we're in euroland, home of the euro!""
"
"my mood of delight and good cheer
can evaporate too?disappear.
unless you and the boys
stop that god-awful noise,
you'll enjoy a swift kick in the rear.
"
"these productions are not realistic.
they're eurotrash: sexy, sadistic,
and geopolitical.
they're all hypocritical,
with a dash of the pseudo-artistic.
"
"did the boss say to me: ""date a carrier""?
though i'd use a strong, condom-type barrier,
std's a great risk.
what? he meant ""tape"" or ""disk""?
""data carrier""? i won't have to marry her?
"
"grandma gail tells a tale that is gory,
with villains and heroes and glory,
but she causes confusion;
it lacks a conclusion.
she's forgotten the end of the story.
"
"it's not in the alps, like montblanc's,
nor the tropics, where people hunt conchs.
it's a part of our city
that can get pretty gritty.
ogden nash wrote ""no thonx"" to the bronx.
"
"the design team of charles and ray eames
thought up wonderful chairs in their dreams.
each conception was swell
(one was shaped like a shell),
and they're still selling well?so it seems.
"
"it's cuban, this tree?cuban bast?
and it's slender and tall, like a mast.
to observe one, just take a
nice trip to jamaica,
where as national tree it will last.
"
"my neighbor, the farmer, gets pouty
when his fields have dried up and are droughty.
the absence of rain
makes him grouse and complain,
but at least there's less pain?he's not gouty.
"
"for a fine silver bowl i'm a shopper.
seems britannia silver is proper,
as the mark is a surety
of standardized purity
(with only a smidgen of copper.)
"
"what methods were used to embalm
the great pharaohs? each lies there so calm,
wrapped in linen?a mummy,
no guts in its tummy,
an amulet placed in each palm.
"
"it's so droughty, so dry, that no doubt
all our seedlings are failing to sprout.
just forget your boy-scoutiness;
we're trounced by this droughtiness.
hope the government bails us all out!
"
"no, a drugget is not a wee drug;
it's a roughly formed indian rug
made of wool and of cotton.
i'd almost forgotten:
dad sells them. (i promised a plug!).
"
"the pathologist chuckled a lot.
""i'm convinced captain mott wasn't shot,
and there wasn't a plot
that he'd boil in a pot,
as there isn't a chicken fat clot.""
"
"we build tropical dwellings from scratch,
so i've managed to buy up a batch
of the grass called cogon
that was locally grown.
on my hut i will use it for thatch.
"
"her disconsolate facial expression
reflects melancholic depression.
she looks more than just sad,
and needs comfort real bad?
help, perhaps, from the counselor's profession.
"
"my oration about rutherfordium
began like a tiny primordium?
an organ's first germ.
this i plan to affirm
in my preface (the  lecture's exordium).
"
"uncle dwight had retired as a fighter
and decided he'd be a great writer,
but when facing blank pages,
he fell into rages.
can paper become an exciter?
"
"the doctors' dispute seemed domanial.
dermatologists claimed 'twas cutaneal:
""neurosurgeons,"" they said,
of the wound on my head,
""keep your distance; the scalp's extracranial.""
"
"modern critics may find it ironical
that some books are deemed deuterocanonical
by the catholic brass.
they may seem second-class,
though they're part of the bible's grand chronicle.
"
"i was liquor dependent at first,
then with xanax abuse i was cursed.
my dreadful affliction
has a name: cross addiction.
now i'm heroin-hooked. that's the worst.
"
"there's an islet that lies in the nile. it
was a getaway home for a while. it
was a pasha's retreat
to escape from the heat
while he wiled away time in his eyalet.
"
"though it comes from a snail, the small eyestone
isn't really a hard-to-apply stone.
when a blown speck of dirt
in your eye makes it hurt,
it's a mote or a cinder goodbye-stone.
"
"evans blue: (in biology) dye
that attaches to albumin.  i
think this mighty affinity,
when it's in the vicinity,
can yield usable data. stand by!
"
"i'll with cricothyroideus grapple:
it's a part of each chap's adam's apple,
and is found in gals too.
when they utter: ""i do,""
both will use it, right there in the chapel.
"
"""my boyfriend,"" said jill, ""is a pillar
of society; will is a driller.""
""what? a sergeant who'll shout:
forward march! right about?""
""no, a dentist?both driller and filler.""
"
"so that no one can damage or scratch her,
she's elusory?people can't catch her.
think of picking up sand?
how it runs through your hand.
for elusiveness, no one can match her.
"
"dan, a randy young male common otter,
seeks a female. he's hoping to spot 'er
on the bank of the river:
""when wet, she may shiver,
and i don't want her cooler, but hotter.""
"
"when my friend displayed grief that seemed deep,
i was shocked and asked, ""why do you weep?""
""we just euthanized daniel;
our old cocker spaniel
had cancer?we put him to sleep.""
"
"my reaction is purely hedonic
when the words that i hear are euphonic:
sweet-sounding, poetic,
and truly esthetic.
that they mean ""kiss my butt"" is ironic.
"
"i wrote: ""emanant means 'well respected,'""
but my answer was promptly rejected.
it means ""issuing out,""
like a guess or a doubt.
i'd thought eminent; now i'm corrected.
"
"my beautiful girlfriend's eurasian:
half chinese, half of scottish persuasion.
two gene pools are blended;
the outcome is splendid.
she shines on most any occasion.
"
"my tribute to rick, eulogistic,
had praise for each characteristic:
""he was handsome,"" i said,
""and ingenious in bed.
alas dead, he's become a statistic.""
"
"cousin gloria, often depressive,
shows euphoria?joy that's excessive.
what's her best explanation
for this sudden elation?
a brand new romance that's obsessive.
"
"seems your kidneys are causing you pain.
in your blood, certain compounds remain
that for stones are concretive
(and of patience depletive).
change your diet; they won't come again.
"
"black cumin? i've two different leads:
one's nigella; in asia it breeds,
though in fact, it's not cumin?
to err's only human?
the other's like caraway seeds.
"
"when i purchased a washer and dryer,
the store's boss hung around as an eyer.
this careful observer
kept watch with such fervor,
it annoyed both the salesman and buyer.
"
"the blow to joe's gut was traumatic
to his liver; its function's erratic.
it seems to be leaking,
and technically speaking
the fluid is extrahepatic.
"
"in investing, i fear volatility.
what i've craved is a stock's durability.
it's endurance i've sought
when these shares i have bought.
my portfolio's strong?lacks fragility.
"
"the new gal on the staff? holy moly!
her computer moves info so slowly.
if i speed up her data rate,
do you think i would rate a date?
i'm lovesick and long for her solely.
"
"dejerine's disease, slowly progressive,
to our wheelchair-bound child is oppressive.
i'm a carrier; you,
as his dad, must be too,
since its gene's autosomal recessive.
"
"the clubbies of harvard's porcellian
look down on the lowly cornellian
as a troglodyte known
to make axes of stone,
as in ithaca, students are chellean.
"
"all the students consider him odd:
that deitate dude on the quad.
well, it's true that he's deified,
his pipe dreams all reified,
since the guy was turned into a god.
"
"at the thai place i ordered some satay.
as a beverage, i asked for a latte.
""we drink tea out in thailand.""
said the waiter. ""that's my land.""
""then i'll try,"" i replied, ""yerba mat?.""
"
"my young sons, kenneth, leonard, and ben,
have md, and the type is duchenne.
seems they all have defects
in sex chromosome x.
i just hope they all live to be men.
"
"our church bell tolled noon so euphoniously
that we all sang along most harmoniously.
it struck twelve, then thirteen?
what on earth could that mean?
the new pastor was counting erroneously.
"
"very little of david remains.
though he's no longer tortured by pains,
his life reached cessation
through complete excerebration
when somebody beat out his brains.
"
"if you wish to lose weight, please begin
by not eating out?just eat in,
using recipes that
use less sugar and fat.
double chins will dissolve?you'll grow thin.
"
"an evacuant drug, as a rule,
will relieve constipation, so you'll
feel as light as a bird.
when your turds are transferred
and you're rid of your stools, you'll feel cool.
"
"the economy's still in a mess.
folks eat out (go to restaurants) less,
and as prices grow steeper,
seek meals that are cheaper.
now fast food sells best, i would guess.
"
"it's an old word, without any doubt:
exantlate means ""tire"" or ""wear out""?
to fatigue or exhaust
till all energy's lost,
and of pep there's an absolute drought.
"
"hector's planning to leave, i suspect,
and i know that i must decathect
(disengage, disconnect,
my emotions deflect)
from the guy, or my life will be wrecked.
"
"dostoyevskian, said of a novel,
whether set in a palace or hovel,
means it's like fyodor's tales,
not his brother mihail's,
nor andrei's (from that town?yaroslavl).
"
"the euglena's a cute little fella.
aquatic, he needs no umbrella,
but mating's the pits:
he's one cell, and just splits
as he flits with the help of flagella.
"
"grandma tess only takes the express train.
she claims it's the ""stylish finesse train.""
looking down on the locals
as fit for the yokels,
she calls it her ""speedy success train.""
"
"the astronaut's speech was didactic.
""here's my prize-winning outer-space tactic:
let your rocket ship stray
past our own milky way,
sending tidings back (extragalactic).""
"
"their testosterone levels are low,
so the hair on their faces won't grow.
these eunuchoid creatures
have feminine features.
they're males but their maleness won't show.
"
"first the mafia don threatened brock.
like a timepiece, brock's heart went ""tick-tock.""
when he heard his heart beat
he thought, ""jeez, i'm dead meat,
as the boss said:  'we'll stop this guy's clock!'""
"
"ancient greeks were enamored of sports
and enjoyed the competitive sorts.
each a victory ode,
epinicia showed
their respect?so my textbook reports.
"
"""how could anyone ever dislike a
sweet beast like the cute collared pika?
it's soft and it's furry;
you'll love it!"" cried murray.
""if not, you've a heart of formica!""
"
"here's the drama i recently penned.
on its opening night, at its end,
on the stage i will go
and epilogize. no,
not apologize?that would offend.
"
"for this case i'm the on-site recorder:
in our house, we've an overweight boarder
who, each third or fourth night,
eats whatever's in sight.
ginnie's got a binge-eating disorder.
"
"""i ship liquor abroad by the quart,
packed in crates labeled products for sport.
with officials i struggle,
as bribes i must juggle.""
""do you smuggle?"" i shrug. ""i export.""
"
"our professor could always astound
when his view of the world he'd expound.
in detail he'd explain
life was pleasure and pain.
sounds inane, but folks say it's profound.
"
"when two silk larvae sing the same tune,
there's a doupion?double cocoon.
when the two interweave,
i have heard and believe,
silkworm breeders don't find it a boon.
"
"my gallery's aim is acquainting
our town with expressionist painting,
but folks sneer at my spiel:
""man, it just don't look real!""
my repute as a dealer they're tainting.
"
"expressionism: movement in art
that skips intellect?speaks to the heart.
the distortion of forms
and of colors (its norms)
marks this style as a genre apart.
"
"my new poetry's bold and aggressive,
full of meaning and feeling (expressive),
which is why readers cry,
and no eye remains dry?
but drink iodine? that seems excessive.
"
"want to expurgate books? you'll expunge
all the lewdness, the filth, and the grunge,
taking out what's obscene
so the words are all clean.
now you know what i mean, take the plunge.
"
"the grain that we call durum wheat
is, because it's so healthful to eat,
held in highest regard.
from the latin for ""hard""
comes the name of this high-protein treat.
"
"i know you won't find me pedantic
when i tell you this beetle's gigantic.
it measures six inches;
with ""horns,"" the bug pinches.
why do schoolgirls find beetles romantic?
"
"when dad would go off on a bender,
mom's budget would get very slender.
she'd feed us on rice,
and canned corn at low price,
and use soy beans?a meatloaf extender.
"
"was my brother unfortunate? very!
he believed in ""eat, drink, and be merry!""
he stayed drunk and got fat,
so remarkably that
he's the first that we needed to bury.
"
"a playwright invents an array
of roles while he's writing each play.
if it's really a fact
that just two interact,
call it duologue?you'll be okay.
"
"""i studied and thoroughly read
many books on the baking of bread.
now my speech is prepared,
i'm half dead,"" tom declared
exhaustively?then went to bed.
"
"""my new coat,"" sighed lenore, with remorse,
""like the blanket you'd put on a horse,
has been made of the stuff
that is scratchy and rough?
it's of dagswain, of grossness, of coarse!""
"
"once a loyal american, lee
needed cash and was paid a large fee
as a spy.  then he fled.
now of lee it is said:
""an expatriate ex-patriot he.""
"
"bev no longer looked tense and disheveled.
now euthyroid, her hormones had leveled.
her disease had been stressful,
but the treatment successful;
in her normal well-being she reveled.
"
"""i (relieved, as you'd guess) state correctedly,
that i'd judged your pet pigeon, infectedly,
had done me great harm
when he'd pecked at my arm.
but i'm healed,"" said aunt becky expectedly.
"
"ms. medusa, a middle-aged gorgon,
has retention of urine. doc morgan
means to drain the pee out
of her bladder, no doubt.
he'll then extubate that empty organ.
"
"""to molt has substantial utility
in beasts with exuviability,""
said the snake, with a grin.
""i like shedding old skin,
with my sinuous reptile agility.""
"
"when the med student checked the gal sternally
at her bedside, she cursed him infernally:
""you're no doc?don't know squat.
live-in house staff you're not!""
""i won't probe you,"" he promised, externally.
"
"uncle thor liked to gamble. he swore.
his transgressions were hard to ignore.
when he drank, he went nuts.
booze would rot out his guts?
would exulcerate them?make them sore.
"
"when we go for a long woodsy walk,
my birdwatcher friend likes to gawk
at this chick, young and sweet,
with a name obsolete?
it's a male, and unfledged, sparrow hawk.
"
"once the style?a broad, stiff, and white collar?
was confined to the young eton scholar,
but now widely worn,
always fresh, never torn,
they will never remind one of squalor.
"
"""this odd word has me thrown for a loop:
what's an ethnos? i want the straight poop.""
""a shared culture or race
gives this faction its face.
it's a crowd, a discreet ethnic group.""
"
"noblesse may be present at birth?
once called eugeny (trait of great worth).
now that mankind is mobile,
nobility's global,
encountered all over the earth.
"
"""my opponent attacked me insultingly,
but had negative ratings, resultingly.
he's dropped low in the polls;
that's been one of my goals,""
says the front-runner, crowing exultingly.
"
"in ireland, a wandering togue
was swept out to sea. in his brogue
he inquired, all aquiver,
""oh, where's the roe river?
its mouth is my sweet disembogue.""
"
"if you know any french, you'll suspect
than en r?gle means ""faultless, correct,
and in sync with the rules""?
so it's taught in the schools.
i'm no fool; french is cool, and i checked.
"
"it is tough to be good at ethnography.
one must study and practice demography,
geography too;
any paper from you
will require a diverse bibliography.
"
"""are you certain this rock's dolomitic?
can you tell?"" queried belle, who's a critic.
""i'll take this small sample,""
said lola. ""it's ample
for mineral tests analytic.""
"
"someone ethical's fair-minded, truthful,
whether middle-aged, senior, or youthful.
he is honest, humane,
not deceitful, profane.
thus he never has need to be ruthful.
"
"the gray catbird that's called dumetella
carolinensis, quite a bright fella,
may mew like a kitty,
or sing his own ditty
along with his mate, a cappella.
"
"this drill pipe? it comes with the kit,
and brings drilling mud down to the bit.
it is made of joined tubes
that assist when it lubes.
you'll admit it's a pretty good fit.
"
"for a drug lord, raul was a tool;
he'd agreed to the terms like a fool,
so he flew on a plane
with eight pounds of cocaine
in his gut?as a drug-toting mule.
"
"soon as diastase meets up with starch,
biochemistry starts on a march
one might call diastatic,
making glucose, pragmatic,
giving strength to build hadrian's arch.
"
"diaheliotropic, these leaves,
on the plants neath my grandmother's eaves,
tend to turn to the light.
how they know where it's bright
is a mystery, grandma perceives.
"
"from his home he was taken away,
off to babylon?there he would stay.
was the prophet ezekiel
touched by zedekiel?
he had visions from god, so they say.
"
"what's elysian is joyful; it's bliss,
like a tune a lad croons to his miss
in those heavenly fields,
so she gleefully yields
to a sweet but spectacular kiss.
"
"""vot's a dunter goose?"" ""vell, it's an eider?
a duck dot's a nort'land abider.""
""vot? you got some excuse
for dot name? vy a goose?""
""you some kluck! 'vy a duck' vould be snider.""
"
"it's not the patella alone
that inside of a membrane is grown.
i've additional proof
that the skull's bony roof
is also a true dermal bone.
"
"when lawsuits make docs apprehensive,
their medicine's often  defensive.
each unwarranted test
is expensive at best,
and at worst can cause harm that's extensive.
"
"put desires into words?they're expressible.
what seems dreamlike is often accessible.
what? too kinky, you think?
you'll be thrown in the clink?
just remember, most rules are transgressible.
"
"as a newly hired clerk the cop posed,
and into our records he nosed.
in a very short time
he found white collar crime;
now disclosed, our wrongdoing's exposed.
"
"anoesis: a mental condition
that would baffle the average physician.
it's a state of the mind
that leaves reason behind?
lots of feelings with zero cognition.
"
"first, our union put staff on probation,
to accomplish our own epuration.
then we fired the transgressors,
and chose their successors,
though we knew it would prompt litigation.
"
"on the beach, when you wear a bikini,
think of plates etched by whom? p. m. pini,
from eustachio's dissection.
they had a connection;
was pini the scientist's genie?
"
"ginny's innocent, white as the snow,
without culpe; all the blame's with her beau.
press reports were distorted.
she got pregnant, aborted?
all she did was just go with the flow.
"
"the enemy horde soon will storm
our new fort, but our troop's in good form
to withstand their typhoon.
we will vanquish, expugn,
overcome the barbarian swarm.
"
"ever see the rear end of a turtle?
you will find its male organ exsertile.
it will quickly protrude
when that dude's in the mood
to be lewd, and to prove that he's fertile.
"
"""you're a globe-trotter, travel extensively,
go first class, so you journey expensively.
you travel so widely,
isn't life wasted idly?""
""i deny that,"" he countered defensively.
"
"his remarks had been made extemporaneously,
and the audience cheered him spontaneously.
his impromptu oration
was a comic sensation?
dirty jokes that he chose miscellaneously.
"
"said our teacher, ""please do as you're bidden;
report on the meaning of midden.""
""it's a dumpsite where?crash!?
people toss all their trash
in broad daylight; they don't keep it hidden.""
"
"as i'm heading for town i will stop
and i'll spend a few hours with my pop
tinting cloth in the dye-works.
that's where the old guy works.
it's fun when i visit his shop.
"
"i'm distressed 'cause i feel that my body
is ugly as dirt?really cloddy.
i've tried magnets and obeah,
but dysmorphophobia
persists, so my efforts seem shoddy.
"
"it's the duckbill i'm writing about.
it's a freshwater fish with a snout
like the bill of a duck.
with its size you'll be struck.
will this creature survive? there's some doubt.
"
"duck-billed platypus: fur-bearing beast
that is found in australia (its east).
it's an egg-laying mammal?
not much like a camel?
from its spur, there is venom released.
"
"come with me on the lake in my dugout.
we'll relax; i'll bring snacks, get my jug out.
you can't swim, and you think
we'll get tossed in the drink?
we won't sink if you don't pull the plug out!
"
"as you prance, i can tell at a glance
that you're twisting right out of your pants,
with movements proteiform,
wild and choreiform.
saint vitus would join in your dance!
"
"the town called chowchilla, you know,
had a frightening crime long ago.
in a van, buried live,
kids would barely survive
until freed from their prison below.
"
"it's here in my book, in small print,
so to read it i'll just have to squint.
i can see this, at least:
""this mint grows in the east,
and its blooms have a purple-ish tint.""
"
"major drug companies, known as big pharma,
make medicines?drugs are their dharma.
their prices are high,
and that may make us sigh?
still, their products help better our karma.
"
"a comparatist's characteristics:
expertise in comparative linguistics,
knowing latin and greek,
both to read and to speak,
and a grasp?quite a bit?of statistics.
"
"""i emplead,"" lena screeched. ""i accuse
that big brute who inflicted this bruise!
if this lawcourt does right,
it will choose to indict
that foul boozer who loves to abuse.""
"
"sometimes, after a big operation
on your stomach, there's this complication:
feeling dizzy and nauseous
after meals, so be cautious.
dumping syndrome's a major frustration.
"
"the doctor tapped next to my spine
near my shoulder blade.  there ewart's sign
showed a current effusion
near my heart, a conclusion
that helped save a life?it was mine.
"
"across the atlantic come mobs
of these upper-class eurotrash snobs.
the american folk
they regard as a joke,
but to yanks, they're just socialite slobs.
"
"i'm a bottle of leather, not rubber;
you can call me a dubba or dubber,
or call me a dupper
(but not late for supper)
and fill me with oil made from blubber.
"
"to high ground we were taken, so we
(lee and i) were both safe from the sea
when the latest tsunami
hit north of miami.
i'm a grateful and dry evacuee.
"
"""anopisthograph? sounds quite inviting!""
cried dwight. ""it's a book that has writing
on only one side
of each page,"" i replied.
""gee, i'd hoped it would be more exciting.""
"
"fred's worldview is horror; it's dreadfulness,
and he's aiming for maximum spreadfulness.
he's a self-centered fool
with ambitions to rule,
so his speeches are brimming with fredfulness.
"
"the word elephantine? it mainly
refers to an object that's plainly
both mammoth and blundering.
vainly i'm wondering:
is it best just to call things ungainly?
"
"my ambition, my chosen vocation:
to be ethnarch, to govern our nation
as ruler supreme.
that's my goal and my dream.
 and my scheme? to get rich through taxation.
"
"so large that i'd call it etypical,
this cucumber won't make a hip pickle.
it's unlike all the others?
its sisters and brothers.
it would yield a too-bulky-to-grip pickle.
"
"the word eugh's an old word for a tree
that is common. you're likely to see
its fine wood in my bow
(i'm an archer, you know),
though the tree's named for yew and not me.
"
"jude's orations were coarse; retribution
was his party's most likely solution.
he sought some instruction
in the art of production
of speeches?it's called elocution.
"
"reconstructing, through modern technology,
human cultures, we use anthropology
to learn ethnohistory,
thus solving the mystery
of man's social growth and chronology.
"
"""i found an old word, dear: ethereous,""
said grandma. ""its meaning's mysterious.""
i replied, ""think 'ethereal,'
like filmy material?
diaphanous, light and yet serious.""
"
"""to put surgical patients to sleep,
anesthetics add costs that are steep.
why not etherize?"" shared
the old doctor. ""compared
to more modern drugs, ether is cheap!""
"
"myra's style comes from multiple sources.
many painters have been her resources.
she calls it eclectism?
in contrast to sectism?
resulting from multiple forces.
"
"when the vikings decided to raid,
i knew we would have to evade
their invasion?escape
their cruel pillage and rape.
we'd have all been destroyed, had we stayed.
"
"the first of its type was cocaine.
spread on membranes, it took away pain.
then eucaine was in style;
it was used for a while,
but in fashion it didn't remain.
"
"my shoulder's deformed, and rotation
brings pain?a vexatious sensation.
in the er, horatio
diagnosed dislocatio
(an old way to say dislocation).
"
"""how i wish every date who's a cutie
had this trait: a devotion to duty.
i'd convince her to mate,
that it's duty, equate
it with fate.""  ""mate, that line is a beauty!""
"
"what's my duty tour? measure of time
that i marched through the grime and the slime
in my country's armed forces.
my question, of course, is:
is punching ex-sergeants a crime?
"
"though our interests have been quite divergent,
here's a chance for investment that's urgent.
my son, the go-getter,
makes cleansers clean better.
his invention can ""build"" a detergent.
"
"with a boss of extreme detestability,
it is hard to maintain one's civility.
with all of our might
we try acting polite,
but we seldom can mask our hostility.
"
"the town dubna was built just for science
by the russians to show their defiance
and their top-notch abilities
to build fine facilities.
there they labored in marxist alliance.
"
"if you're keen on enlarging your pupil
using plants that you choose without scruple,
duboisine can be
made from leaves of this tree.
watch the size of your pupil quadruple!
"
"""feel the breeze?how discreetly it's blowing.
see the roses?how neatly they're growing,""
sally sang, voice mellifluous,
near the brook, a dulcifluous
stream?see how sweetly it's flowing.
"
"here it says genus ductor is linked
to the jackfish. my book is succinct,
and it says to observe
one that's swimming with verve
is unlikely?the fish is extinct.
"
"on this word, my poor brains i am racking.
in the lexicons, clarity's lacking,
but they seem to say dunbird
suits more that just one bird,
and the birds that it fits are all quacking.
"
"dear reader: in scanning this copy,
don't conclude that it's?sad to say?sloppy.
it's undoubted: my pashes
are: colons?and dashes?
and, yes?they make limericks choppy.
"
"i'd say stan is an antihumanitarian.
look for kindness? you'll find him contrarian.
should a neighbor need aid,
helping out he'll evade.
he's a beast, i'm afraid?a barbarian.
"
"call it chih-kot or call it shee-koh;
it's a tree you're not likely to know.
you're astonished: ""ye gods!
do these little brown pods
make a substitute coffee?"" quite so!
"
"mount etna, beloved by sicilians,
is a threat to the island's civilians.
though it's formed fertile soil,
it continues to boil,
and may blow, harming sicily's millions.
"
"none present would praise?all would curse?
the guy who'd arrived in a hearse.
begged the priest, ""say at least
one kind word!"" ""the deceased?""
said his mother. ""his brother was worse.""
"
"""call me eli, or else call me elie,""
said the priest. ""ma'am, your breath's a bit smelly.
though your lips moved around,
i heard nary a sound,
so i guessed you had booze in your belly.""
"
"it's a very particular smell
that the priestesses thought was just swell.
the sharp empyreuma
of a sacrificed puma,
burnt in grass, pleased their gods very well.
"
"a compilator's just a compiler;
of records he may be a filer.
he may collect books
or receipts from great cooks,
but he loves what he does; he's a smiler.
"
"when the handyman offered a proxy glue,
i insisted he use an epoxy glue
in replacing the chunk
that was torn from my trunk.
it's a long-lasting chock-full-of-moxie glue.
"
"legs parted, our model is dozing.
look! her sexual parts she's exposing.
bring a wrap for this chick?
some envelopment?quick,
'cause her privates could stand some enclosing.
"
"when the bill comes, you won't be surprised.
it's not written in jargon, disguised.
it will simply say you
owe a lot, and it's due,
for one tumor, resected (excised).
"
"please explain why you plan to reject
dr. beck's wise advice: to exsect
(to excise) the huge growth
on your toe. it is both
fear of pain and of cost, i expect.
"
"can i split it in two to display
this chaise longue on my bedroom's parquet?
yes, it's  made with such art
that the seats break apart,
so we say it's a duchesse bris?e.
"
"having surgery, sam, in july.
now a gal, i will soon be a guy.
so, my still-friendly ex,
i'll be changing my sex.
yours sincerely,
?suzanne
??make that ""sy!""
"
"my job at the school was aborted,
it was long, but it's longness was shorted.
teeching english is not
that at whitch i'm too hot
so from class i was forthright escorted.
"
"the term drill rod's employed in two roles:
first it's steel used for drills when one's goals
are both hardness and toughness?
to pierce the rock's roughness?
and it drives the long drill that bores holes.
"
"""use a dupion? hell, that's baloney!""
said my amateur silk-grower crony.
i replied, ""let's not bicker.
though the fibers are thicker,
they're useful, and called douppioni.""
"
"""can you tell me?what's eau de javelle?""
""a solution: naocl.
it's a good antiseptic,
and even a skeptic
admits that it bleaches quite well.""
"
"schizophrenia? is it duality?
no, it isn't a split personality,
nor a mind split in two.
there's psychosis, it's true,
as one fails in perceiving reality.
"
"our dean was enraged and he ranted:
""that magician to whom funds were granted
to teach students tricks
just made out with the chicks,
who all laughed and declared, 'we're enchanted!'""
"
"if in public, a gal's been molested,
in india, then she's protested,
she's been eve-teased, and may
have revenge (in a way),
as the eve-teaser might be arrested.
"
"your attention, dear reader, i draw
to a tome that can still provoke awe:
king alfred's great domebook
(not an athens or rome book).
its title means ""book of the law.""
"
"""my fame as a leader's widespread;
a choice of two jobs lies ahead.
i'll reach my decision
with vigor and vision,""
cousin hector executively said.
"
"nasty germs caused acute cervicitis
of my womb, then an endometritis.
it's leah's idea
that i've got gonorrhea;
will her treatment prevent salpingitis?
"
"this liquid?i warn you, beware?
will evaporate into thin air.
a chemical caper
will make it a vapor,
not on paper, but really right there.
"
"that young lady just gave me an eyewink?
sent a glance, blinked her eye?not a shy wink.
was she saying hello?
just a tease? i don't know,
as it seemed more a sly than a ""hi"" wink.
"
"""endoskeletons,"" joanie intones,
""may be found both in babies and crones.
it's our internal skeleton;
without it, like gelatin,
we're mush. hip hooray for our bones!""
"
"this exhilarant drug gets me high?
i'm no longer a shy kind of guy.
the first hours are best;
later on, i'm depressed,
and i need more cocaine to get by.
"
"this exemplum's the paradigm (type)
of the product i'm trying to hype.
are you stirred by this model
to cook up some twaddle
that will make people pay for this tripe?
"
"cousin buzz was defensive. he was
in the wrong, so i said to him, ""cuz,
it ain't givin' me pause,
usin' 'cuz for because,
'cuz i love the word; everyone does!""
"
"in biology, nothing's more grand
than the ductless?or endocrine?gland,
from which hormones can enter
the blood. its inventor?
mom nature.  let's give her a hand!
"
"our profits are falling quite fast.
how long will this circumstance last?
this dangerous decidence
has to take precedence
over all problems?present and past.
"
"our art teacher figured, supposingly,
that our model was feckless. she'd dozingly
dropped her jaw in a snore.
""you don't work here no more.
there's the door!"" roared our tutor disposingly.
"
"eastern europe? the term blows my mind.
definitions conflict; that's not kind!
some use culture, some history.
what's correct? that's a mystery,
though the cold war once had it defined.
"
"my eyelid was painful; it hurt,
so i got my friend bert to evert
the sore lid and remove
what caused trouble and prove
it was just a small granule of dirt.
"
"our anatomy prof's in a flap,
shouting, ""there's the duodenal cap!""
he exclaims with good cheer,
""the intestine starts here!""
(can't say why he gets high teaching crap.)
"
"we all wonder how david is able
to reside just downwind from a stable.
the breeze brings the smell
during mealtimes so well?
how the hell can he sit at the table?
"
"my grandma espouses donations
to a few ""save the wombat"" foundations.
but her fundraising trails
what's collected for whales;
seems cetaceans rule public relations.
"
"i'll disinteress myself, disengage
from the play you've been trying to stage,
as your female lead's weak,
with a penchant to shriek,
and she's well past her peak?up in age.
"
"from this banquet, we'll have to excuse ya.
you can't enjoy food since dysgeusia
appeared. you can't taste
what you eat?what a waste!
i'm so glad at least sex will amuse ya.
"
"when he pinched me, i tried not to wince.
it was coyness i tried to evince,
since a show of alarm
like a smack to his arm
might bring harm. i must charm that damned prince!
"
"the plants that we call alliaria
won't grow in your household aquaria.
in eurasia they're found,
growing tall from the ground;
smell like garlic, not catnip (cataria).
"
"an everlasting flower won't fade
when it's dried, so it's often displayed.
sometimes called immortelle,
it's as hardy as hell.
this one's forty years old, i'm afraid.
"
"an old algolagniac said,
""i'm for torturing women in bed!""
his name was de sade,
and i thought him quite odd,
so i spoke of the weather instead.
"
"will the weeds in my yard be destroyed
by the chemical spray you've employed?
are they really exterminable,
or will some remain germinable?
and regrow? if that's so, i'm annoyed.
"
"once jilted, a dog in the manger,
she's a homewrecker now, an estranger.
she will turn your affection
in her own damned direction.
your marriage she's sure to endanger.
"
"my sweet little lamb's an estray:
she is lost?guess she wandered away.
now i'm stressed and feel pressed.
we must locate her lest
for a wolf or a cougar she's prey.
"
"on the ruhr, in the city of essen,
i learned a dumb-tourist-type lesson.
i found coal there, and steel,
but was starved for a meal,
and found nary a delicatessen.
"
"she's as fair as a blooming begonia?
my soul mate who lives in estonia,
just seven miles inland
from the cold gulf of finland.
when i visit i'm risking pneumonia.
"
"""when ted left me, i really was mad,
so i spent all the cash that we had,
on my pleasures, indulgently;
now i'm glowing effulgently.
like my new lamborghini?"" ""not bad!""
"
"our boss has a home that's palatial,
but in giving us raises, he's glacial.
you can tell he is base
from his long, frowning face?
yes, the slave driver's dolichofacial.
"
"with a stylus, my guy often etches,
on my window, some cute little sketches,
like two hearts or a dove,
his initials, and ""love.""
when she finds them, my mom always kvetches.
"
"""our vacation this year will be chian,
so to reach this fair island we're tryin'.
mom and dad cast their vote
for an old-fashioned boat.
as for me,"" squealed marie, ""i like flyin'!""
"
"news so shocking, it's hard to absorb it:
there's an object we'll have to disorb. it
is an asteroid bound
for the earth. stick around;
we will knock the damned orb out of orbit.
"
"joe's prestige hit the lowest of lows
with his new book of poems, god knows.
they're banal, inartistic,
like tracts?essayistic?
in standard pedestrian prose.
"
"""what? this coffee has been interdicted?
i'm conflicted. can i be convicted
if you serve cosiddetto
espresso ristretto?""
""cretino!  the draw's what's restricted.""
"
"even monarchs, they say, are displaceable,
and replaced?royal bloodlines are traceable.
uneasy's the crown
that may well be pulled down,
and its wearer, whose face is erasable.
"
"in this test tube, i've shown my aggression,
by liver-cell enzyme repression.
with cell fluids i've played,
so less enzyme is made.
all is slowed?that's my guilty confession.
"
"in the old days, young lovers were sighin',
when to win a fair lass they were tryin'.
they would say, ""what i prize
is your lovely blue eyes
(or your eyne, or perhaps even eyen).""
"
"""mae's a model for art students' sketching,
so be sure she wears clothes that are fetching.""
""can she seem an enchantress
in a pantsuit or pantdress?""
""posing nude would provoke parents' kvetching!""
"
"your intestines are sluggish and you've
been in search of a means to improve
your extreme constipation?
try this preparation:
an evacuant makes your guts move.
"
"the letter was carefully crafted.
he was called to the colors (that's drafted).
he will soon be a grunt,
likely sent to the front.
says his mom: ""to be blunt, he's been shafted!""
"
"""what's the form that abbreviates states?
duoliteral,"" nathan relates.
he considers it nifty
to reel off all fifty,
which makes him quite irksome on dates.
"
"grandma's sighs were ejected, exhaled,
and first heard when her grandson was jailed.
when she couldn't raise bail,
she, tormented, turned pale,
and complained, in great pain, that she'd failed.
"
"dysautonomia's meaning is broad;
it has so many syndromes, i'm awed.
the familial kind,
an inherited bind,
means from birth nervous functioning's flawed.
"
"when durham's conviction was checked,
the court's judgment was deemed incorrect.
one's not guilty, in fact,
of a criminal act
caused by mental disease or defect.
"
"this artist's new style seems to echo
the twenties and thirties?art deco,
but i find it too drastic:
too much chrome, too much plastic.
i'd prefer any work by el greco.
"
"you'll regret that you made me this bet:
""there's a barbitone in a quartet
of a barbershop sort.""
you said ""barbitone,"" sport!
it's a sedative. now pay your debt!
"
"these two girls?over fate they were powerless.
one was dowered; the other was dowerless.
the latter was not
a good catch, so she got
a poor match and her wedding was flowerless.
"
"it's the worst of his characteristics:
henry's tenuous grasp of statistics.
what are confidence limits?
no good asking him! it's
a blessing he's good at anglistics.
"
"my old bulldog has lost his eucrasia;
his neuritis is causing abasia.
euthanasy is
the sad fate that is his.
i've decided upon euthanasia.
"
"this medicine boasts the ability
to relieve both despair and hostility.
my mood is now stable,
a state that i label
euthymia?peace and tranquility.
"
"an excerptor is one who selects
the quotation he firmly directs
be used as a sample,
a valid example:
the essence of what it reflects.
"
"excerption involves the selection,
after lengthy and careful reflection,
of a part of the whole
that advances one's goal?
representing the work to perfection.
"
"as in college he learned anthropology,
he found he'd a knack for ethnology.
describing societies,
their rules and proprieties,
he'd learned to tell fact from mythology.
"
"we must extirpate some of your colon.
a tumor-free state is our goal in
removing this part.
through our surgical art,
we'll restore the good health cancer's stolen.
"
"taxidermic instructor's quotation:
""first the specimen needs evisceration.
pulling out bowels
before you stuff owls
puts your work on a flawless foundation.""
"
"bewildering language?unclear:
no more ""liquor."" did that include beer?
then the volstead act banned
wine and beer out of hand.
usa was dry land, 'twould appear.
"
"were feathers, at first, insulation,
from which later evolved aviation?
if true, that's a sample
and shining example
of the process we call exaptation.
"
"cousin evan insisted incessantly
that his oeuvre, begun adolescently,
wouldn't last, and one day
it would all fade away.
""fame is fleeting,"" he sighed evanescently.
"
"""the emperor butterfly: many
are called by this name,"" declared penny,
""in the family nymphalidae.
their prime commonality?
beauty, unrivaled by any.""
"
"her first entrance on stage, in scene 1,
made me think she'd be perky and fun;
but she mumbled her lines,
and showed other dire signs
that her days as an actress were done.
"
"our cottage was painted exteriorly
(on the outside), but painted inferiorly.
what a mess! i confess
that your third cousin wes
would have done it for less, and superiorly.
"
"it is best not to mock, condescend,
when you emendate (edit, amend)
the new textbook created
by a guy she once dated,
if your wife says, ""why, fred's my best friend!""
"
"lloyd got fat and his life was destroyed;
lost his job and is now unemployed;
drove a taxi before?
now won't fit through the door.
in a word, lloyd's grown elephantoid.
"
"i'm an energist, surely you've guessed.
with this ethic, i feel i've been blessed.
when i'm truly self-realized,
i'll reach the idealized
state and be functioning best.
"
"as an envoy to far-distant shores,
ken was sent to prevent foreign wars,
but each place that he went,
he would clash and dissent,
then return to advise settling scores.
"
"once deported (some minor misdeed
was the cause), convicts later were freed,
in australia's old times,
each absolved of all crimes?
so emancipists' pardons decreed.
"
"though with six active kids i was blessed,
i complained every one was a pest.
now they're grown, they've all left,
and i'm feeling bereft.
i'm alone in my own empty nest.
"
"brass buttons i hope to promote;
not the ones on a commodore's coat,
but those bright yellow flowers
girls plant in their bowers
for guys upon whom they may dote.
"
"my forebears were not liberationists,
so they clashed with obsessed  emancipationists.
after slaves were all freed,
a new family creed
was adopted: we're firm segregationists.
"
"the priestess-in-charge, a fanatic,
took a whiff, became wild and ecstatic,
then went into a coma
from that burnt-flesh aroma,
both potent and empyreumatic.
"
"it began as a simple otitis,
then advanced to become meningitis.
from that situs it spread
through my cousin ted's head
and his spine?it's encephalomyelitis.
"
"see this dry itchy rash? i've a notion
an epithem's needed?a lotion?
but my doc gave me ointment
at a recent appointment.
it's worse, and i'm crying an ocean.
"
"said a medical student named eric:
""this bone that you call epipteric
only some folks have got
in their skulls. i had thought.
that anatomy should be generic!""
"
"""ouch! my elbow! it hurts!"" bellowed titus,
afraid he'd developed arthritis.
""irritation is shown
in that bump on your bone,""
said his doc. ""you have epicondylitis.""
"
"once a doubter, i'm now a believer:
doctor derrick's an overachiever.
this intern from merrick
diagnosed my enteric
(or as grandpa would say, typhoid) fever.
"
"""will the student be filling my tooth?""
""well, it's eyeservice, miss?that's the truth.
the head dentist approves
every one of his moves;
supervision makes up for his youth.""
"
"most of europe and more: the abode
of the common or european toad.
as my textbook reports
that it cannot cause warts,
i believe an apology's owed.
"
"i've got epilepsy?man, it's the pits.
i can have, any time, shaking  fits
if i don't take my pills.
just the thought gives me chills?
it's a million times awfuller than zits!
"
"an easter egg's  laid by a rabbit,
but  hatches a chick. in the lab, it,
in studies empirical,
has proven a miracle.
if you happen to see one, just grab it.
"
"i hope i'll be able to sell a
tiny orchid plant named dryadella.
some like blooms large in size;
war and peace these guys prize.
i need fellas who'd buy a novella.
"
"youthful memories?are they evocable?
are my neurons that store the past pokable?
is there some kind of pill
or injection that will
cause remembrance? perhaps something smokable?
"
"though it's sinful, he knows, he's confessed
that with fondling young gals he's obsessed.
in the subway he'll ride,
squeezing up alongside,
and he'll evilly grab a girl's breast.
"
"the brain sits on top of the spine.
there our thoughts and our feelings combine.
it, as scientists prove,
lets us hear, see, and move.
i'm especially careful of mine.
"
"i've been told that my limericks' rhymes
are either clich?d or are crimes,
but i don't get depressed
as i'm doing my best,
trying everywhen; yes, at all times.
"
"i confess that a phony exemption
on my tax form enabled this emption:
i bought a new dress.
i was audited; yes,
i was caught. now i'm seeking redemption.
"
"california redwood: i'd call
it a tree that's exceedingly tall?
nearly four hundred feet.
that's a height you can't beat;
it's the loftiest tree of them all.
"
"i was chosen one day by the boss:
told by god, ""get my message across.""
""no, not me!"" i objected,
but i served, as selected.
(thus does god plan for prophet and loss.)
"
"it was chilly; i tried to inquire
of the pueblo, a group i admire:
could i use their estufa
to bathe (with a loofah),
kept warm by the tribe's sacred fire?
"
"when i've bought something crappy, then it
isn't sound or well built. i admit
that i'm angry, not happy.
when his nappy is crappy,
then junior has pooped quite a bit.
"
"had i practiced sufficient alertness,
and never succumbed to inertness,
hettie wouldn't have left
me forlorn and bereft.
i assert i've been hurt by desertness.
"
"he's so handsome, if i could exhume
(dig his corpse up from down in its tomb)
my ex-fianc? lee,
he would certainly be
still the best-looking guy in the room.
"
"my boss sacked me (withdrew my employment),
then kept texting; i learned what ""annoy"" meant.
now i'm working part-time
at our town's five-and-dime,
but i'm finding the job brings enjoyment.
"
"""should i sue my new boss (my employer)
'cause he fondled my breasts in the foyer
as we boarded the lift?
i suspect he was squiffed.""
""you've a right to be miffed. see a lawyer!""
"
"this intriguer is overly eager
to become a big wheel?major leaguer.
he's campaigning too hard
and he'll never be starred,
as his output's, at best, rather meager.
"
"you're arresting my son, are you, sarge?
he's a pretty good kid, by and large,
but charged wrongful amounts
on mom's macy's accounts.
i guess chargeableness led to a charge.
"
"chicot is our very next word.
it's a name in a title, i've heard,
of a famed dumas story.
chicot hasn't glory?
he's the jester to henry the third.
"
"excommunicate means ""to throw out""
in a way that leaves no room for doubt.
you are told that you're through,
and they bid you adieu:
toodleoo?you're a former boy scout.
"
"in the summer we're not allowed meat;
mom's afraid we'll get sick if we cheat.
she prefers, by all means,
we eat tofu or beans.
carnophobic, she is, in the heat.
"
"said prof peter, who looked in his 'scope,
""you're infected; your body can't cope,""
in a voice pedagogical.
""the etiological
microbe's this virus (i hope).""
"
"the microbe at which peter's peeking
i believe is the one that is sneaking
into tissues with ease
and has caused your disease?
that is, etiologically speaking.
"
"we parted at martha's insistence,
in spite of my lively resistance.
she finds our estrangement
a welcome arrangement;
i'd best, she insists, keep my distance.
"
"he's a euchite, and called a messalian,
not a pagan with wants bacchanalian.
his belief is that prayer
(not the church, he'll declare)
can, from man, expel fiends that are alien.
"
"as in delhi i sought a bazaar,
and the flap of a tent seemed ajar,
i peeked in, saw a court
of an indian sort?
as a prince held a formal durbar.
"
"high fat intake makes lab mice get sick
and die young.  here's a scientist's trick:
feed them lots of red wine;
they'll live long and do fine.
that's the kind of a diet i'd pick.
"
"far be it from me to belittle
or indict this poor fern 'cause it's brittle,
nor to have this plant trounced
'cause its name's mispronounced.
it's unfair?i demand an acquittal.
"
"lord elgin, at noteworthy cost,
brought these sculptures?all europe they crossed.
but now greece wants them back,
and i fear that, alack,
elgin marbles will shortly be lost.
"
"easter egger: the kind of a hen
that surprises the spectator when
she lays eggs that are blue,
and some other hues too,
and she does it again and again.
"
"a man who's a dotard (a dotant)
has a wit that is no longer potent,
but he's not without charms?
like an old coat of arms
with a dotty gray goose that is flotant.
"
"in her youth, she researched dinocerata,
and remains of extinct eurypterida.
now she's old and retired,
and this tag she's acquired:
she's professor of fossils emerita.
"
"an emissary came from the pope
with a message that read: ""may we hope
that before ten days pass
we will see you at mass?
yours sincerely."" i felt like a dope.
"
"what's empetrum? genus of snowberries?
to the inuit, just-can't-say-no berries.
the color of blueberries,
these sweet tried-and-true berries
are edible?not merely show berries.
"
"bert was hurt in last thursday's insurgency.
we transported the victim with urgency
to the casualty ward.
no, he wasn't ignored
by the ward that is labelled emergency.
"
"our opinions are split?they are chasmic?
on reaching the state called orgasmic.
""it is all in the mind,""
you opine, but i find
it's somatic, in cells, cytoplasmic.
"
"i adore gardens styled continentally,
planned and planted (not grown accidentally)
with techniques that are found
ecologically sound.
they're both lovely and smart environmentally.
"
"when a month of his flute you've endured,
you'll be used to his music, enured.
then your headaches will cease,
and your patience increase,
and you'll listen in peace?be assured.
"
"lots of fish share this tank; they're exotic
and delight in this playland aquatic.
might an epizootic
make the setting chaotic
and the fins of my fish turn necrotic?
"
"uncle rodney is often laconic,
but at times he grows wild and demonic.
to calm him, i've been
using shots of straight gin,
but his preference, i think, is entonic.
"
"to achieve many slaves' emancipation,
 lincoln issued his great proclamation,
which immediately saved
fifty thousand enslaved.
later others would share liberation.
"
"""who splattered the guests at my kegger?""
yelled mcgregor. ""the cad is an egger!""
""what? that moth with no mouth
that i found in the south?""
""no, a bad-tempered, egg-throwing beggar.""
"
"a goddess who never liked peace,
ancient eris brought discord to greece:
disagreement, suspension
of order, dissension,
contention?did i mention dissent, strife, chaos, anarchy, bedlam, turmoil, and the flouting of society's rules without cease?
"
"alexander: a name that beguiled;
think of stories you heard as a child.
alexanders (add s),
i am forced to confess,
is a parsley that tends to grow wild.
"
"when the tenor sang: ""ricco non sono...""
he delivered it con abbandono.
""he was brilliant!"" cried benny,
""but made not a penny.""
he'd given the concert pro-bono.
"
"my friends, let us each drink a steinful
of ale to salute the designful
way that cy sold cheap wine
as the ""top  of the line,""
finding suckers who grew by the vineful.
"
"said the emperor, tough, adamantine,
""i'll establish this empire, byzantine.
what's now rome may be split
later on, i admit,
but the east part will still be gigantine.""
"
"if on criminal larks you embark,
old sir barton's a real easy mark.
that dumb dupe won't resist
as he's usually pissed,
and he walks in hyde park after dark.
"
"clear liquid had leaked from her liver.
this effusion made kimberly shiver,
as her body so swelled
that her doc was compelled
to drain fluid; it flowed like a river.
"
"charales: these algae are prone
to live in fresh water, but known
to survive where it's brackish.
they're green and not blackish.
to land plants, close links have been shown.
"
"antidandruff: its meaning is clear,
it's a product that helps us appear
free of pesky white flakes
that annoy. dandruff makes
of our shoulders a snowy frontier.
"
"the judge has agreed to estop
the landlord who rents pop his shop,
so her rent bill will topple.
the court used estoppel
to block a fraud foisted on pop.
"
"when frightened this creature will dive
into brush, and that keeps it alive.
when it heads for the bush?
you'll see only its tush?
thus do african duykerboks thrive.
"
"oh, he knows how to write and compose
lovely music, and poems, and prose.
he's been active for years,
but won't quit?have no fears.
the anonymous oeuvre just grows!
"
"a spermatocyte makes the decision
to split, using cellular division,
breaks in half (not in quarters)
and produces two daughters.
not sons? i suspect a misprision!
"
"it's a hole made in cloth or in leather,
where some cord may bind edges together.
called an eyelet, it graces
your shoe (where the laces
are tied) or a harness you tether.
"
"our son lee is a true eager beaver.
crave a girl?  he develops a fever
and persists night and day
till she gives him his way.
(then, i'm sorry to say, he will leave 'er.)
"
"to the boss: i am sad to report,
though the guy is a pretty good sort,
seems our newest of models
is duck-legged; he waddles.
his legs are uncommonly short.
"
"your exam?it was laparoscopic?
found a pregnancy, one that's ectopic.
thanks; your skilled embryectomy
held off hysterectomy.
congrats, doc (my ode apocopic).
"
"as the cardinals pick a new pope,
they will take my advice?so i hope:
choose a good catholic guy
who on prayer can get high,
so he won't need to tope or do dope.
"
"the ancients had racetracks in greece,
where the racing fans gathered like geese.
though the grecian god momos
made fun of the dromos,
attendance just seemed to increase.
"
"cousin ruthie was proud as a mughal;
in the kitchen she never was frugal.
though she baked beauteous strudels,
she excelled at egg noodles
in pudding that's called lokshen kugel.
"
"half the corps claimed tom acted misprisionally,
while the others objected collisionally.
he'd had visions and quitted
his post, he admitted.
""the troop's splitted,"" tom stated divisionally.
"
"at this college, i've suffered frustration.
now i'm taking a key examination
in my chemistry class.
it's a test i must pass;
if i don't, i'll be placed on probation.
"
"there's no need to show feelings exceeding
the limits expressed by good breeding.
if you like something, smile
in a well-mannered style.
your expression will not be misleading.
"
"for controverse seems we are headed,
if to utter deceit you are wedded.
though her fur's a bit long,
pooh a thoroughbred? wrong!
and her papers? you say they've been shredded?
"
"let us join in a laudative chorus
in praise of the great eye of horus.
also called eye of ra,
it will help save our ka,
as this symbol makes magic work for us.
"
"you've got mono, and feel under par?
blame the virus that's called epstein-barr.
does that term make you squirm?
it's a commonplace germ,
though its two-doctor name sounds bizarre.
"
"if you've done something wrong, just confess.
disbosom your guilt; don't obsess.
as your sin you reveal,
you will certainly feel
disbosomed, relieved of your stress.
"
"epimachus?odd sort of word?
is a genus of sicklebill bird.
there's a black  and a  brown;
each deserves wide renown,
but their names i would doubt you have heard.
"
"this calabar bean's from a vine
which bears seeds neither sweet or benign.
they in fact cause a medley
of symptoms, all deadly,
and drooling's the very first sign.
"
"i'm dismayed by my neighbors, the babbitts,
who raise cottontails, lovely brown rabbits.
they began with just two,
but the count quickly grew,
due to rabbits' progenitive habits.
"
"in his work as a young pharmacologist,
bert had heard from his mentor pathologist:
""through catalysts we'll
learn what's needed to heal,""
so he works as a lab enzymologist.
"
"you declare that you'd like a critique
of your highly developed physique.
well, your buff, sculpted torso
would appear even more so
with a larger external oblique.
"
"the young lady looked pure and angelic;
i felt like an ancient old relic.
but her spirituality
was a shroom-based mentality:
entheogen, plant psychedelic.
"
"expunction's a word for erasing,
removing, discarding, effacing
that which, after completion
of the present deletion,
you may or may not be replacing.
"
"the winner, with laurels enwreathed,
stood and smiled?my how deeply he breathed!
while the crowd loudly cheered,
for his safety i feared,
as the athletes who lost cursed and seethed.
"
"a beggar-tick clings to the fur
of your dog when you walk him or her.
to your skin it may stick
(hence the name beggar-tick).
it's a plant called the marigold, burr.
"
"""sure this treasonous plotting's infernal,""
said the king, ""but my elderly colonel
is extrinsically tied
to the scheme."" that implied
his involvement was purely external.
"
"i'm giving a botany class
that's so easy each student can pass.
here's a test question sample:
""give a draba example.""
draba verna? that's right?whitlow grass.
"
"this empire belonged to egyptians.
can you read their symbolic inscriptions?
these arcane hieroglyphics
detail the specifics:
its spread gave the ancients conniptions.
"
"paper books are no longer iconic,
as our publishing's now electronic.
read my poems on line.
you will find them divine?
still sardonic, abstruse, and ironic.
"
"egypt's afterlife-bound celebration,
their embalming (called mummification)
used natron and myrrh
to prepare to inter
the elite of this great ancient nation.
"
"play the harp; show your fingers' motility.
then jump rope and display your ajility.
oops! my spelling's not strong;
spelled agility wrong!
(hope our limericks enjoy amendability.)
"
"though the zygote is still microscopic,
it's improperly planted?ectopic?
in the tube called fallopian,
not a place that's utopian.
mother nature's, at times, misanthropic.
"
"as i pore over scrolls aramaic,
i encounter strange wordings archaic,
and i've found, with chagrin,
many chaldaisms in
holy scriptures?they come from chaldaic.
"
"since i'm not very good at statistics?
probability characteristics?
this chi-square distribution
affords no solution
to my problem. i'd best consult mystics.
"
"when i ran short of finances, many's
the meal i devoured at denny's.
though i may have gained weight
from the food on my plate,
i could pay for it (almost) in pennies.
"
"lenny bruce had a valid excuse
for his language?profane and profuse,
because four-letter words,
both for sex and for turds,
were inuring adults to their use.
"
"to the ghost formed from clouds ectoplasmic,
my reaction was sudden and spasmic.
i responded with mirth,
and inquired: ""how on earth
did you stage this illusion phantasmic?""
"
"at the seance, i felt a vibration.
a diaphanous, weird emanation
from my medium host
then, at once, formed a ghost?
thus ectoplasm's great reputation.
"
"at dee's party, we'll happily maffick.
her book that is biogeographic
is grand; it tracks species
in space and time. gee, she's
the maven of animal traffic!
"
"a result of your life sybaritic:
blood adrenaline's up.  i'm a critic
of this state. you're ignoring
your blood pressure?soaring.
what you need is a good adrenolytic.
"
"the membrane we call allantoic
helps the embryo grow; how heroic!
the mammals' reward:
an umbilical cord.
we've adored it since times mesozoic.
"
"this nerve damage makes me feel glum;
the skin on each finger and thumb
is disturbed. it's dysaphia.
something rough (e.g. raffia)
feels soft, and skin's painful or numb.
"
"here's an obsolete word i'm advising
for when you see something that's rising.
if you call it exortive,
you'll find me supportive
when your friends find its meaning surprising.
"
"there is often, in wars, a location
where the people endure expilation.
a town or a village
will undergo pillage,
a type of extreme depredation.
"
"our professor detailed his expressed
requirements, and just as we'd guessed,
we must memorize verses
of wordsworth, and (curses!)
he's certain to give us a test.
"
"""define this word, tess. it's expresser,""
cried my menacing english professor.
i said, ""one who relates
how he feels?loves or hates!""
though in truth i was merely a guesser.
"
"mommy's nearsighted?lifelong myopia?
while daddy sees double (diplopia).
but i can't explain why,
with that history, i
turned out walleyed. i've got exotropia.
"
"heavy rains can produce alteration
in our town.  when there's surplus hydration,
all our streams overflow.
our anxieties grow
as we suffer this woe: exundation.
"
"""i have studied the habits and growth
of choloepus, a genus of sloth,""
said zoologist roth.
""i pronounce the word 'slawth',""
i replied. he said, ""webster's has both.""
"
"their famed stories were gory, not prim,
and with torment their fairy tales brim,
like the little hen's death,
and her rooster's last breath.
yes, these brothers were certainly grimm.
"
"nora ephron wrote scripts for the screen
with an insight both comic and keen.
like her books, they were funny
and earned lots of money.
they never were mean or obscene.
"
"uncle lee had ed and was guessing
that a bubble-filled drink (effervescing)
would enliven his blood
in an aerated flood
and his phallus would soon be tumescing.
"
"these flowers are found in the nile?
water lilies, egyptian in style.
prized by pharaoh, afloat
in his famed royal boat,
did their beauty make crocodiles smile?
"
"when the boss said we all must eat dietingly,
the workers rebelled and yelled riotingly.
he increased their anxiety
with his haughty mock piety,
when he pledged: ""you're all sacked, guys,"" disquietingly.
"
"the plant that we call the ball nightshade
bears fruits of pale yellow, a light shade.
though called horse nettle, it
isn't one little bit
like an equine. its hue's just the right shade.
"
"when a  cell splits in two?cell division?
it performs with amazing precision.
a cell bridge may connect
daughter cells, that's correct,
but it breaks without needing excision.
"
"though the fugitive seems extraditable,
the public is roused and excitable.
""he won't get a fair trial,""
they protest, rebel-style,
and i fear a revolt is ignitable.
"
"when i enter a room and my glance
falls on nancy, my heart starts to dance.
do i feel extra beats
'cause my sex instinct heats?
extrasystoles due to romance?
"
"""here's your portrait i promised to draw,""
i told paul. ""see your nose and your jaw?
i've been told they're exquisite?
quite flawless."" ""what is it?""
asked paul. ""have you drawn a macaw?""
"
"this role must be played with expressiveness,
not detachment, not fussy obsessiveness.
the playwright had notions
of tender emotions.
convey them with love, not aggressiveness.
"
"when you take in a breath (lung inflation),
then you feel the air leave (exhalation),
you've encountered the kernel
of what's known as external?
not the same as internal?respiration.
"
"when they write, in obscureness they dabble;
in discussions, their words sound like gabble.
my job is no bargain?
i'm stumped by the jargon
of ec's bizarre eurobabble.
"
"when i first met my girlfriend, i took lyn
to the part of new york we call brooklyn.
though she loved the plants starred in
its botanical garden,
the slums of bed-stuy really shook lyn.
"
"""i've a church music problem that's chronic:
those huge organs, to me, seem demonic.
though their sound is delightful,
their size i find frightful.""
""try mine; it is small, electronic.""
"
"desipramine's used when you're blue
or complain you've got pain that's undue.
take this antidepressant,
and soon, convalescent,
you'll bid desolation adieu.
"
"what are ethics? they're principles, rules
of good conduct. we use them as tools
that help culture stay strong,
choosing right over wrong,
so we act more like angels than fools.
"
"""why study what makes people happy?""
cried buddy, combative and scrappy.
""what fulfills us, i know,
is cold cash?moolah, dough!
eudaemonics? the  concept is sappy.""
"
"of anatomy facts a dispenser,
i never will edit or censor.
what extends or makes straight?
why, that trait is innate
in the muscle we call an extensor.
"
"our infrequently watered back yard?in
this spot we will plant a dry garden.
we've had plenty of practice
with indoor-grown cactus.
our gnomes? this fine plot they'll be starred in.
"
"though you're teaching medieval seigneurialism,
stay accessible. true professorialism
accepts students' dreams,
and eschews secret schemes.
one must shun, so it seems, conspiratorialism.
"
"if you're cooking a muscovy duck,
first the feathers, you'll find, you must pluck.
then cairina moschata
you'll throw in a pot?a
nice stroganoff, if you're in luck.
"
"an evocator's one who evokes
certain memories?sad ones or jokes.
these, aroused in my mind,
are the bygone-days kind
that my buddy's encouraged to coax.
"
"in his bed on a stately estrade,
i encounter his heavenly bod.
i am eager to wallow
in his arms and to follow
this adonis, apollo?greek god.
"
"with our eeg running, we stroked
the anesthetized cat, then we poked,
while the probes in its brain
measured, time and again,
the electric potential evoked.
"
"aunt katie, a distant relation,
once truly believed divination
(like ceraunomancy) could
see the future. no good
came from katie's bizarre avocation.
"
"define esterase: compound that pesters
and threatens to break apart esters.
through hydrolysis, it's
good at forming two bits.
yes, these enzymes are ester molesters.
"
"chirurgery, back in the past,
was the practice that covered the vast
field of injuries, fractures,
and tendon contractures
chirurgeons (that's surgeons) amassed.
"
"seems that emmet's an old word for ""ant.""
its usage today is quite scant,
but should tourists annoy
it's a word to employ
down in cornwall, as part of your rant.
"
"sure, my egotism's easy to see,
but i'm faithful; to that you'll agree.
many suitors make passes?
both laddies and lasses?
but i love only one, and that's me.
"
"it's the name of a special guitar,
imported, i hear, from afar.
from hoshino gakki 
came this model?not tacky,
but a good one. you'll play like a star!
"
"dracunculus, genus of arum,
was brought west without thought, harum-scarum,
for dealers to sell?
in spite of its smell.
(it didn't do well in my harem.)
"
"she departed without explanation;
i had thought that she'd gone on vacation,
but she went to survey
unknown lands far away.
her excursion's main aim: exploration.
"
"in our basement, estelle was a dweller.
she was sure she could write a bestseller,
so she lived there rent-free
till we found out that she
was subletting. i'm now an expeller.
"
"when your fertilized egg, monospermic,
hits a uterine wall that's euthermic,
then an embryo grows.
nerves and skin?both it owes
to its ectoderm (neural and dermic).
"
"i'm distraught, scared to death, in a panic;
someone gave me a shot alloxanic,
to cause diabetes,
despite my entreaties?
an action ungodly, satanic.
"
"epithalamus: part of your brain
that's involved in both pleasure and pain.
while controlling emotion,
like distaste and devotion,
a balance it strives to attain.
"
"have you debts? len's a money extractor,
and his frightening manner's a factor.
he feigns menace and rage;
he was once on the stage.
this exactor's?you guessed ?an ex-actor.
"
"""i'm preparing a large data entry
and concerned that our firm's data sentry
won't protect it from harm,""
cried the yank with alarm.
""data centre, dear twit?elementary!""
"
"what is eastern is found in the east,
or goes eastward?not westward, at least.
with a capital e,
what is eastern may be
of the orthodox church, like a priest.
"
"i am seeking some food and i need
a tree with an edible seed.
california nutmeg
won't stay in my gut, meg,
as its taste is revolting indeed.
"
"""this calendered paper is glossy,
as it's pressed by machine,"" stated flossie.
""so it's hardly a wonder
that we use it down under
for posters we aussies find saucy.""
"
"watching baseball we look at the field,
where the dugouts are semi-concealed.
there sit players entrenched;
some are waiting, some benched.
past the dugout, you'll find the well-heeled.
"
"the phocidae surely are  peerless.
you can tell they're true seals, as they're earless.
each waved at our skipper
a black, shiny flipper,
as they swam near our boat. man, they're fearless!
"
"ariadne auf naxos: conceit
in which comic and tragic compete.
music leaps from the page?
both behind and on stage.
strauss and hofmannsthal gave us this treat.
"
"your abscess requires aspiration?
there's no need for undue hesitation.
we are docs; come to us
and we'll draw out the pus
without muss, without fuss or frustration
"
"i've made a bequest, philanthropical,
for the study of cells, microscopical,
of the plants that spring forth
to the south or the north
of the tropics. they're biantitropical.
"
"with this limerick, autoschediastical,
i offer, i hope, a first-class tickle.
it's improvised?yes?
and i'm sure you can guess
that i aim for no less than a mass tickle.
"
"""watch that bird climb a tree. look, it swerves
as it pecks, and its beak downward curves.
it's eurasian,"" cried lee,
""and a treecreeper.  see?
for id, my new birder's book serves.""
"
"endometrial cells in the womb
seem to live in perpetual gloom.
but with fertilization
and then implantation,
the whole population will boom.
"
"if he injured his forearm , sylvester
might develop a wound that would fester.
such exulceration
might cause consternation
at work: he's the monarch's court jester.
"
"ebullient she was, not bombastic,
as she cried, ""my new nose job's fantastic!
it's not jutting protuberantly,""
she continued, exuberantly.
""plastic surgery, though, can be drastic.""
"
"john dewey, well-known by the nation,
in philosophy and education,
spoke up for reform.
not content with the norm,
he suggested a different foundation.
"
"bible scholars may be realistic
when they say that a pen elohistic
wrote part of the text.
that leaves others perplexed;
they consider this thinking simplistic.
"
"says my student's zoology treatise:
""mother nature does not mean to cheat us
when she leaves in our heart
a no-longer-used part?
the eustachian valve of the fetus.""
"
"we approached the planned journey judiciously.
the safari was plotted ambitiously,
and the guide was efficient?
seemed nearly omniscient.
""i work deftly,"" he'd claimed expeditiously.
"
"their flowers are mostly bright red?
the blood lilies?like wounds that have bled.
some have bulbs that can kill
or at least make you ill,
so don't eat them?you may end up dead.
"
"gene hates everything called european,
barents sea to the sunny aegean.
""europhobic"" they call him;
swiss and french things? they gall him.
what would please him's chinese or korean.
"
"they're bacterial, not parasitic?
these membranes we call diphtheritic.
stiff as old leather scrolls,
these tough membranes take tolls.
the disease can cause problems carditic.
"
"sending messages, please be aware
that plain english is best, so take care:
keep your thoughts simply scripted,
and never encrypted.
just write all your memos en clair.
"
"with dysmetria, sis needs assistance.
she'll be grateful; you won't meet resistance.
her movements, once spunky,
are clumsy and clunky.
she's impaired in her judgment of distance.
"
"this annual grass?downy cheat?
may be found neath your wandering feet
as the new world you tread.
the plant's now widespread,
though to ranchers it isn't a treat.
"
"a lovely but skin-damaged geisha,
given pills for her acne rosacea,
had a stroke. now she's dead,
and the coroner said
that her brain showed encephalomalacia.
"
"though this photo is blurry and smeared,
it reveals that, alas, as i feared,
that sea mammal, for real,
is not a true seal,
but a sea lion. see? it is eared!
"
"in this class i feel denser and denser.
what's a chemosensor? wow! now i'm tenser.
seems a chemical gets
on the cell, which says: ""let's
go to work as a signal dispenser.""
"
"in the chowder that general will ate,
foreign agents had placed cacodylate.
""there's some herbicide poured
in your soup!"" i implored
him to stop, but the heedless man still ate.
"
"the estate agent selling our house
behaved like an odious louse.
she both charged a large fee
and, from what i could see,
had a torrid affair with my spouse.
"
"""is a catboat a vessel for cats,
like the owl and the pussy used?"" ""that's
a conceit most ridiculous.
i'll be more meticulous:
it's a small sailing boat.""  ""is it? rats!""
"
"of this condo, aunt mae is the claimant;
she impatiently made a down payment.
she's in love with the view
of the water that's due
to the coastline that forms an embayment.
"
"i'll be faithful, my dear, i won't stray?
let another guy lure me away.
but in truth, i must say
that another gal may;
deep inside i suspect that i'm gay.
"
"says my wife: ""dear, we must have a chat.""
i think: ""yikes! i'll get called on the mat.""
but she asks with chagrin:
""do i still appear thin?
does this miniskirt make me look fat?""
"
"that's a fairy tale, fanny, and you
ought to know that it ain't really true.
such a yarn needn't be
 about princess and pea.
a deception's a fairy tale too.
"
"epicanthus: a visible fold,
seen most often in asians, i'm told,
making smooth upper eyelids.
i've got them on my lids,
unwrinkled, although i am old.
"
"""you're a lefty,"" said heidi with snideness,
""but your right eye is stronger. your eyedness
should be matching your handedness.
i state with all candidness:
it makes me less eager for brideness.""
"
"i will turn to an ether?etherify?
this liquid; i don't mean to terrify.
the result, sure to please ya,
won't be anesthesia,
as our science professor will verify.
"
"i'm a europhile. yes, i adore
that great continent, cultured before
we were civilized here.
other yankees may jeer,
as for them the whole  place is a bore.
"
"she was marrying some little twit;
cousin sid didn't like it one bit!
sally's letter, invitatory,
was stirring (excitatory);
it sent him right into a fit.
"
"eddie's enviousness? you be the judge!
he is jealous and nurses a grudge.
he won't lend consentment
to attempts at contentment;
his resentment is fixed?he won't budge.
"
"there's a place in my heart that i keep
for the sea creatures dreamed of in sleep.
i feel very empathic
toward beasts eurybathic,
who survive where it's shallow or deep.
"
"auntie dee, on this holiday?easter?
on both ham and roast lamb was a feaster.
every year she'd pig out.
you'd have thought she'd be stout,
but each summer a diet decreased 'er.
"
"""this mixed-up, disorderly bar,""
i declare, ""is my favorite by far!""
adds a bronxite, disjointly,
not quite to-the-point-ly:
""dis joint's an exploding cigar!""
"
"the old-fashioned word emication,
a word that denotes ""scintillation,""
is also a theory
that experts find dreary;
it denies evolution's foundation.
"
"we heard the volcano explode;
lava glowed as it raced down the road.
the mountain's explosiveness
led to erosiveness?
the lava scoured fields where it flowed.
"
"after surgery done on your brain,
some dysfunction will sometimes remain?
perhaps dyssynergia,
like disabling dysergia.
unsteady, you'll walk with a cane.
"
"fine cloth of egyptian-grown cotton?
the stuff cleopatra looked hot in?
has both softness and sheen.
cloth that's fit for a queen,
once encountered, is seldom forgotten.
"
"the gent's reputation was stainless.
an evening with him would be painless,
i wrongly surmised.
i was greatly surprised;
the poor guy was excerebrose?brainless.
"
"on the front of your head?that's the place
mother nature developed your face.
from your hairline move south:
brows, then eyes, ears, nose, mouth.
they're the features you're likely to trace.
"
"at the yard sale i grinned in response
to your purchase, with cool nonchalance,
of that earthenware plate
for a buck ninety-eight.
it was valuable spanish faience.
"
"my man melvin is banished. expelled
from the prep school where both of us dwelled,
he is glad to get out.
but his dad gave a shout
when mel's prepaid tuition was held.
"
"""being fat,"" complained kate, ""is my fate.
i'd say destiny dealt me this trait,
so i need not be faulted,""
(as she sipped her third malted).
""bad genes are the cause of my weight.""
"
"""social networking? facebook's my choice.
for my friends,"" declared royce, ""it's my voice.
if my luck's good or bad;
if i'm happy or sad,
buddies help me to grieve and rejoice.""
"
"for your birthday, i picture a dove
taking aim as it hovers above.
then it drops, where you live,
what i'd most like to give,
and by bucketsful (bucketfuls?)?love!
"
"a favela's a slum in brazil
where a fella might come for a thrill,
seeking danger and love,
but find microbes?and of
salmonella succumb.  germs can kill.
"
"hugo chavez was popular, hot.
venezuelans sure liked him a lot.
why'd the guy die of cancer?
his government's answer:
a cia plot?was it not?
"
"your decor is attractive and quaint,
but i can't stand the smell of  your paint.
as i walk through your rooms,
i feel sick from the fumes.
i'm afraid i'll keel over and faint.
"
"""to a  fat farm i went,"" bewailed kate,
""to grow thinner; their ad sounded great.
it said 'exercise, diet,
massage!' thought i'd try it.
my wallet was all that lost weight.""
"
"it's invented, a legend, a fable:
noah's flood and the tower of babel.
for the bible that you
claim is word-for-word true,
i'd say myth is a much better label.
"
"my son david quite often will crave
chocolate cake; it's his absolute fave.
it's the food he likes best
and he gives me no rest
till i've baked one.  he makes me his slave.
"
"if you're trying to answer with tact
when our dad says some nonsense is fact,
just reply: ""is that so?""
don't expect him to know
what is true and reality-backed.
"
"as i stood by his bed, i said, ""nick
appears terminal. call a priest?quick!
we can't make an appointment;
we need urgent anointment:
the rite of anointing the sick.""
"
"in our language, in days long gone by,
some words differed. ""an ey for an ey""
(just consider, i beg)
meant ""an egg for an egg.""
lex talionis for chickens?no lie!
"
"if you're eager for peace and for quiet,
try to find a small islet (an eyet).
in a river it's found;
waters flow all around.
if there's one on the market, just buy it.
"
"last saturday evening i heard a
great mezzo-soprano sing erda.
she is slated to sing
in two parts of the ring.
it's a role that for some would be murda.
"
"to advance in your job, one ingredient
is to always seem sweet and obedient,
but within, nurse a thirst
to keep your interests first.
to succeed, do whatever's expedient.
"
"exhibitionism usually starts
with dysfunctional psyches and hearts:
getting sexual kicks
from malevolent tricks,
by displaying one's own private parts.
"
"it's the strangest that nature has made.
it's a moth; on its body's displayed
a design that's a fright.
it's a death's head, all right?
acherontia?don't be afraid.
"
"not a maypole, round which one may dance,
nor the south pole's antarctic expanse,
you'll find europol solving
some cases involving
two countries, like belgium and france.
"
"i've promised a plant to miss elsie, or
some blooms. should i bring them from chelsea, or
should i send a bouquet,
or of orchids a spray
that's so fragile it's packed in excelsior?
"
"her acerbic thoughts often envenom
her limericks, when jen deigns to pen 'em;
but their content is clever,
so i chuckle whenever
i read them, and often ""amen"" 'em.
"
"on a deed this odd phrase may appear.
if you hear it, it sounds really queer.
""with husband"" it means.
whether peasants or queens,
whether senior or teens, it's et vir.
"
"said a virus of breed misanthropic,
one of humankind's foes microscopic:
""i'll be lunching at belle's.
i'm in one of my spells;
i feel drawn to her cells?cytotropic.""
"
"these plastids deem root cells edenic.
they grow active and healthy?so sthenic,
one might guess they could march,
but they don't; they make starch,
as these bodies are amylogenic.
"
"a faux sapphire, faux fur, and faux prince:
they're so phony they'd never convince
me to part with my cash.
that fake royal's so brash,
he claims fabric is silk when it's chintz.
"
"""the cook on our ship, to be frank,""
said the pirate, ""was awful.  he drank,
and the food was flawed, faulty:
the soup was so salty!
we made the foul fool walk the plank.""
"
"of my essay, your facile review
made me guess that you'd not thought it through,
so please read it again,
reconsider, and then
take your pen; write your comments anew.
"
"some african tribes that are shrewd
have adopted this plant as a food.
it's called elephant's-foot,
and ungraciously put,
it seems crude (though to say so is rude).
"
"uncle lester, a stressed buffalonian,
found life brutal, oppressive, draconian;
but a wind from the west
brought relief.  he felt best
and could rest when the breeze was favonian.
"
"""so you think i'm a fool?"" exclaimed lee.
""you are wooing my wife.  can't you see
that i'm reading your mind?
i'm a psychic. you'll find
i've a sixth sense. it's called esp.""
"
"your hormones, produced by the system
called endocrine? none can resist 'em.
your gonads are glands
that make urgent demands;
they take over your brains and they twist 'em.
"
"my contract, i've learned, is extendable:
i can stay on my job.  that's commendable.
life will not be destroyed;
i'll sign up and avoid
joining hordes unemployed and expendable.
"
"our dining room table's extensible.
it pulls out to serve ten; that seems sensible.
but to welcome my cousin,
you invited two dozen?
reprehensible, ted, indefensible!
"
"""it's a very rare gem,"" said my aunt.
""there are only ten samples extant,
and it cost a great deal.""
i replied, ""it's not real;
can't you see you've been cheated?"" she can't.
"
"dick expressly desired (in particular)
to indulge in some extracurricular
functions at school
with the girls, as a rule
not performed in a pose perpendicular.
"
"sue's spouse len spent six days on a  bender.
""sure he's sick, but you too need a mender,""
said an al-anon friend
to len's wife. in the end,
it was sue who was first to surrender.
"
"excelsior (upward! aim higher!)
is the standard to which we aspire,
and our new york state motto.
does it count wins at lotto,
or just what through work we acquire?
"
"i've a note from town hall in my hand.
they intend to expropriate land
to extend and expand
the new highway that's planned.
why take my place? i don't understand.
"
"in the hills of kentucky, two locals
met when both picked up pairs of bifocals,
fell in love, went to bed,
but could never be wed?
same specs marriage offended the yokels.
"
"extremity: word for your limb.
should you lose one, your life might seem grimb.
but pete's way to find peace is
a modern prosthesis.
sweet jesus, there's no stopping himb!
"
"she spent forty-eight hours devising
a new outfit, designed, i'm surmising,
to showcase her chest,
over which she'd obsessed.
it's eye-opening?startling, surprising.
"
"tom the taxi-man always would gab?
above all, of his new on-line lab.
and our ears he'd assail
with each tiny detail,
elaborately, there in his cab.
"
"what is christianism? value humanity,
love jesus, eschew all profanity,
take your pastor's advice,
help the poor, and be nice.
it's our way and belief?christianity.
"
"in montana, folks don't cry ""hosanna!""
at the sight of this fruit: dwarf banana.
they're not found there at all.
grown in china, they're small,
but to those who enjoy them, they're manna.
"
"queried joe, who'd unearthed a mosaic
with a text in a language archaic:
""is it so? i don't know.
my research seems to show
in passaic, folks spoke aramaic.""
"
"""jack had favism, yes, and that means,""
said his wife, ""his inherited genes
made his system react.
vital cells were attacked
when he ate his fave food?fava beans.""
"
"you inquire if i'm willing? i'm fain
to renounce drinking gin. i'll abstain
if you'll quit your unflagging
continuous nagging.
i'll henceforth drink only champagne.
"
"the plant called the bog or moor myrtle
seldom grows near a frog or a turtle;
but, akin to wisteria,
with help from bacteria
it grows where the soil is infertile.
"
"in describing the actor clark gable,
i  say fabulous. thus i am able
to explain that he's grand
so you'll all understand.
(i don't mean that the guy's just a fable.)
"
"dee's obsessively neat; she's fastidious
in her dress, but her wardrobe is hideous.
in her bright purple gown
she resembles a clown.
the comparison, though, seems invidious.
"
"weather's balmy (it's fair); let's repair
to the expo (the fair). that is where
the displays are extensive,
and the goods inexpensive:
the prices all honest and fair.
"
"this job will demand perseverance:
for this room to regain its appearance,
we'll have to emplaster
what's now a disaster,
and labor without interference.
"
"six men met an elephant. ""well,
what's it like? though we're blind, touch will tell,""
they proclaimed. ""pillar."" ""rope.""
""fan."" ""wall."" ""tree branch."" ""i hope
that its spear won't propel us to hell!""
"
"it's not true that to touch something cactoid
will induce disease anaphylactoid.
folks keep saying it's so,
and we think that we know
it's a fact, when it's only a factoid.
"
"i adore your new biochem course, meant
to teach chemical means of enforcement
of enzyme induction?
that's speeding construction
of catalysts. here's my endorsement!
"
"uncle wayne always gives me a pain.
his ideas are vain and inane.
he's both asinine (fatuous)
and a gas bag who's flatuous.
i treat the old fool with disdain.
"
"said the counterfeit money engraver:
""i need help.  will you do me a favor?
sit there quietly thinkin'
while you pose as abe lincoln.
your face on a fiver you'll savor.""
"
"my son david, since childhood, has savored
spicy foods that are heavily flavored.
i bake great berry pies
and banana surprise,
but my curries and chilies are favored.
"
"as exotic and sweet as a mango
was the gal at the bar in durango.
all my wiles i applied:
""dance, cari?o?"" i sighed,
and we pranced in a fancy fandango.
"
"our new scheme's a success: works effectively.
we let kids choose their courses electively.
each selected a path
that had science and math,
and a language and arts class respectively.
"
"""i used to mull over, intensively,
each item i bought, apprehensively.
now, older and wiser,
no longer a miser,
i spend rashly,"" said ashley, expensively.
"
"your masterful sculpture in clay
of ren?e of the corps de ballet
caught her sweet puckish smile
and her pert playful style.
she seems elfin and fairy-like (fay).
"
"jolly santa, our favorite saint,
had a bitter and valid complaint
when the rumor was spread
that the vatican said:
""father christmas, a saint's what you ain't!""
"
"eating steak, davey chewed a great chaw.
when he opened his mouth, we all saw
a distinct distoversion:
a sudden excursion
of his teeth toward the back of his jaw.
"
"""once a duke with impeccable taste
owned the palace this curio graced.
for this specimen, rare,
eighty euros."" i stare
at a gallstone, in plastic encased.
"
"don't allow your kids' fashions to daze
you or faze you; just offer them praise.
it they sense your chagrin
they'll dress worse, so hang in
and remember: it's only a phase.
"
"certain germs that contain endotoxin
infect us, our horses, and oxen?
other creatures as well?
so we're happy as hell
to have anti-bug drugs like ciproxin.
"
"lawyers' ball? it's a fete that's deluxe.
bea's insisting i buy a new tux.
(i refer to my wife,
who's the light of my life.)
yes, that's right, i'm invited et ux.
"
"spaniard captured by interpol mission
in peru. spain, preparing petition
that today it will file,
wants this guy, who is vile,
back in spain to stand trial (extradition).
"
"you declare i'm pure silver, with clarity,
and i'm golden (an odd similarity).
i'm your oxygen too,
iron-willed?seems that you
like to praise me with elementarity.
"
"our picnic's progressing edenically
till i touch a tree coated lichenically.
i am covered in hives
(till the doctor arrives)
when the lichen behaves antigenically.
"
"""this cedar from chile's called chilean,
and has coppery bark,"" exclaimed lillean.
""in its genus, there's only
one species?so lonely?
i wish there were more like a millean!""
"
"though my joints give me pain?i'm arthritic?
of my doctor's new plan i'm a critic.
will collagenase pills
really cure all my ills
'cause they're collagen-proteolytic?
"
"the textbooks can't seem to agree
why they call it the cry-baby tree.
it is not like a willow
that cries in its pillow.
it's brave?as a tree ought to be.
"
"of a faucet i usually think
when i'm thirsty and crave a cold drink.
it's a heart-warming sight:
from the tap to my right
cool, clear water flows into my sink.
"
"strong and sturdy, and lacking fragility,
this plastic is known for ductility.
i can stretch it out thin
into yarn you can spin.
you will love its extreme extensibility.
"
"the cymling, or pattypan squash,
is a veggie with native panache.
it is commonly seen
as the height of cuisine,
served at fancy caf?s?the most posh.
"
"new year's eve? is it fit that i buy
sparkling wine that is called extra dry?
can one drink what's not wet?
would i later regret
if i didn't just let myself try?
"
"escamillo is handsome and brave.
of his prowess, the people all rave.
he takes carmen away
from that chump, don jos?,
and she ends, thanks to him, in the grave.
"
"in his new biological clock,
jack's computer components may shock,
as they're powered by cells.
as his mom proudly tells,
he's a biochip off the old block!
"
"from my mom, it is clear when i'm nude,
came the shape of my hips (kind of crude).
from my pop came my hair;
on the top i'm quite bare.
biparentally, folks, i've been screwed.
"
"""when a poem is read on the telly, it
tends to be byron or shelley. it
ignores,"" teddy frets,
""him who wrote four quartets.
i'm referring to thomas stearns eliot.""
"
"while alpa's got folks who can fly,
those in alpo explore the night sky.
but alpo does not;
it's the dog food you got
with your pooch, from the dog-kennel guy.
"
"as our club's ranking earth's coolest mammals,
we're caught in red tape which entrammels?
(entangles) each member.
perhaps by december
we'll choose between horses and camels.
"
"""there's a word for this berry in hindi?a
black nightshade?what is it?"" cried cindy. ""a
small berry well-known,
and originally grown
in south europe, it's eaten in india.""
"
"the trainee ballerina's entrancement
of the critics will lead to enhancement
of her fame. their delight
in her artistry might
in the world of ballet, bring advancement.
"
"i'm enhancing my stud-like virililty
in my workouts to boost durability.
a result of great pains,
in endurance i've gains,
and i've also improved my agility.
"
"""erivan? where is that?"" queried kitty.
""i haven't a clue?more's the pity!""
""that town's population's
a third of its nation's:
armenia's capital city.""
"
"seems jemima's not easy to find.
her act was precisely designed.
to stay rare and elusive,
but now she's reclusive?
so much that her plan's undermined.
"
"since aunt milly felt bilious and ill,
she's seemed antsy and seldom stands still.
from whence comes her devotion
to perpetual motion?
her twice-daily dexedrine pill.
"
"the exudative sweat drops are oozing.
antiperspirant use he's refusing,
so let's wait until fritz
falls asleep where he sits,
then slosh ban in his pits while he's snoozing.
"
"to her bosom, did queen cleo clasp
an egyptian (gasp!) cobra (an asp)?
did she manage to make
not a blade, but a snake
the grim weapon of death in her grasp?
"
"what is eurostar? guy on the screen,
who in finland or france may be seen?
not an actor from spain,
it's the name of a train
(london-paris), a high-speed machine.
"
"len is wed to a woman who gets
other women to satisfy debts.
she can play malefactress?
this dramatic exactress.
when she does so, she has no regrets.
"
"""the capital city of texas.""
""what's austin?""  the clue doesn't vex us.
if we'd said: ""what is alice,""
or ""houston,"" or ""dallas,""
from the jeopardy squad would you x us?
"
"i've a pair of old words for combustion.
one with two definitions?  adustion,
meaning ""cauterization
to promote scar formation""
as well. what's the other? exustion!
"
"from sensory cerebrospinal
neural sources, each brain's entorhinal
cortex collects,
then collates and projects
spacial memories?not yet quite final.
"
"""are you eatin' too much of your meat, 'n'
using oodles of sugar to sweeten?
well, i've found a good diet
which works, so just try it:
leave half of each serving uneaten.""
"
"to lucille, helping junkies appealed;
many hundreds she treated and healed.
seems her clinic's predominance
owes a lot to her prominence?
the eminency gained in her field.
"
"vote to earmark our tax?then some bucks
will be spent on what pleases those clucks
who drafted the bill,
for good or for ill.
for me, it's a system that sucks.
"
"you're a virile young man, i'll admit,
and in movies you've been a big hit,
but i've just convinced carrie
to wed me?to marry.
yes, me!  eat your heart out, brad pitt!
"
"when a babe's newly born, parents weigh it
(take its birth weight), and then they display it
by proudly announcing
their baby is bouncing.
""pounds and ounces"" is how the folks say it.
"
"in our quest to get rid of bad germs,
i've had quotes, and i feel that this firm's
is the most advantageous?
some were really outrageous!?
they've offered us favorable terms.
"
"she had struck us as worthy and needy,
a hardworking woman?not greedy,
but we felt we were tricked
so we rushed  to evict,
and her expedited exit was speedy.
"
"you had claimed that your play was so great,
and its title, troy waite meets his fate,
made me feel quite enthused.
now i'm puzzled, confused,
in a doubt-plagued, or dubitative, state.
"
"i had problems that day.  in particular,
no way could i stay perpendicular
to our spacecraft in flight,
so i couldn't get right
my activities extravehicular.
"
"down with winos and sots duncan hunkered.
he was lost and becoming a drunkard,
but he sought for the way.
he met ray, who said, ""hey,
we can help you, i'd say. i'm a dunkard.""

""there is no need to hide yourself, younker,
in a dive or at home in your bunker.
we'll immerse you three times,
god will pardon your crimes,
and our brethren will make you a dunker.""
"
"plucking hair from your head's made you bald
in some parts of your scalp. mom's appalled.
this forceful evulsion
of hair's a compulsion.
to a shrink you're about to be hauled.
"
"sy's hobby? the guy's an embracer
of horseraces?trotter or pacer.
he enjoys placing bets
and at times even gets
a few bucks on a winner or placer.
"
"the philosopher called epictetus
offers help so that life won't defeat us.
though known as a stoic,
to me, he's heroic.
i've learned from his student's great treatise.
"
"in a coma, with minimal function,
lies aunt lisa. i have no compunction
about calling a priest,
ere poor lisa's deceased
and at peace, to perform extreme unction.
"
"we're the a-team, the best, the elite.
see us strut as we stride down the street!
we're so loaded with ego
that anyplace we go
the pavement's not touched by our feet.
"
"this new job now affords me a chance
to enhance our sales region's expanse.
east to west, shore to shore,
i'll promote us; what's more,
my position i'm bound to advance.
"
"said the author, ""you stink as an actor.
my play flopped. was your acting a factor?""
i informed my interrogator:
""you're a dastardly derogator,
defamer, and carping detractor!""
"
"when i explicate, dear, i explain,
so enriched understanding you gain.
i make science cohere?
seem so simple and  clear?
like how bubbles appear in champagne.
"
"here's your lunch?gutted, scaled, and definned.
now the head of this trout please exscind,
then i'll bread it and fry it.
with the head on, i'd cry. it
seems sinful; i guess i'm thin-skinned.
"
"to his comradeliness (sociability)
his classmates showed only hostility.
he was outraged, distressed,
but expected, at best,
later on they'd display some civility.
"
"in this envelope, here in my mail,
is a powder and claim: ""without fail,
mix with liquid; 'twill swell up
in foam to envelop
your sink."" should i add it to ale?
"
"the marvelous mercury dime
was worth only ten cents in its prime.
its designer (a fine man),
a sculptor named weinman,
will be linked to this coin for all time.
"
"in yachtsmanship, tad is a dabbler.
he's a blowhard as well; he's a babbler.
but ask about sails
and in knowledge he fails,
and i doubt he can lace on a drabbler.
"
"this draft of your bill's not enactable;
its language, however's redactable.
add some praise for the king
to indulge the right wing,
and its value may yet be extractable.
"
"though my prof says she's there, if i look,
i can't locate queen noor in his book.
true, i found ""lisa halaby""
on page twenty et alibi;
can it be a wrong turn that i took?
"
"who's this ellachick, new to our town?
femme fatale, sedate matron, or clown?
to conclusions don't hurtle;
she's a freshwater turtle
in a high fashion carapace gown.
"
"state expressly (make perfectly clear)
the position to which you'll adhere.
be secure, unmistakable,
doubtless, unshakable.
don't digress to excess; folks will cheer!
"
"""what large birds i can catch in my drawnet!
it's my parrot-,"" says sy, ""and macaw-net.
now an albatross i
plan to pluck from the sky.""
""not,"" we laugh, ""with that paltry guffaw-net!""
"
"""sailing westward from sicily, you
reach these islands, delightful but few.
they are called the aegates?
more heaven than hades?
historical too!"" ""true? who knew!""
"
"acrolectal, as you're a jamaican
and speak creole for real, and not fakin',
means your speech is quite near
plain old english. i hear
a faint accent, unless i'm  mistaken.
"
"""now eutaxy prevails; all's in order,""
wrote the scribe (the king's history recorder).
""every law is obeyed;
fees and taxes are paid.
no fake passports are seized at the border.""
"
"having excellence means one's outstanding,
just like excellency. now i'm expanding
this list?one more word:
yes, your excellency's heard
when one speaks to a guy who's commanding.
"
"though i'm sailing our boat in a gale,
never fear: we'll succeed; we won't fail.
my remarkable skill
as a seafarer will
pull us through, so stop praying and bail!
"
"your child's fingers and toes, mrs. mosier,
show mercury compound exposure.
they're pink, acrodynic,
and here at my clinic
we'll treat her and bring you some closure.
"
"jesse's debts are immense; their extensiveness
owes much to his habits' expensiveness
and his millionaire's taste.
when his wife calls it waste,
he responds with insulted defensiveness.
"
"this syndrome's not simply confusion;
the patient has reached the conclusion
that someone above
her has fallen in love.
though not true, it's a rigid delusion.
"
"he used powders to make himself sneeze,
and he breathed with an acted-out wheeze.
willie faked many ills
just for access to pills.
that's what's known as factitious disease.
"
"we pittsburghers never complain
that the name of our u. is duquesne.
though an underschooled esne
might venture doo-kez-nee,
doo-kain's what we say without strain.
"
"there's a man with a face like a prune,
and he stares at a clock reading noon
while appearing to shout?
i don't know what about.
it's a captionless kind of cartoon!
"
"""what's an exoplanet, mom?"" queried janet.
""in deep space, our new telescopes scan it.
it orbits afar
around some other star,
but it may seem like earth, our home planet.""
"
"these muscles will pull arms away
from the torso. the textbook by gray,
which i found quite instructive,
calls the muscles abductive?
and that's my new word for the day!
"
"the church council gasps as it scans
the new twelve-sided building stan plans.
""i will build a cathedral
that's dodecahedral,""
he says, ""and you'll all become fans!""
"
"i am visiting now in bhutan.
i had money and squandered it on
wine and women and song,
so it didn't last long,
and my very last chhertum is gone.
"
"becki dilley gave birth to sextuplets?
that's two-thirds of a set of nonuplets.
come again? my head spins!
they're like three pairs of twins?
they're six kids?think a trio of couplets.
"
"epistolist: guy with a gun?
see his pistol and off you will run?
no, the fellow writes letters,
to his friends and his betters.
an epistler? james whistler was one.
"
"to the earldom, young percival's right'll
ignite a dispute, and the fight'll
involve his half-brother
(same dad, different mother).
which son will the lawcourt entitle?
"
"this rifle's antique and outmoded.
here's a sketch of the gun that's exploded,
like a large jigsaw puzzle.
i can pick out the muzzle
where that awful black powder was loaded.
"
"if you live in nevada, your spouse
might cry: ""eek!"" at the sight of this mouse
called the dwarf pocket rat.
it's a jumping mouse that
will go bats if it's stuck in your house.
"
"seems that eunuchoidism is treatable;
this hormone deficiency's beatable.
testosterone shots,
gel, or patches help lots;
looking feminine?that part's defeatable.
"
"the effect on my prof was traumatic,
though i felt elated (extatic);
""my spelling's old-fashioned,""
i told him, impassioned.
""it helps make my writing dramatic.""
"
"in her cleverness beverly reveled.
""ted's so short, with my hip he is leveled.
see his hand as it lingers?
you'll notice six fingers.
i'd guess he has ellis-van creveld.""
"
"my illiterate ex, sexy rex,
who makes millions from oil wells in tex.,
sends me large monthly checks
that conform to my specs.
not high-tech, each is signed with an x.
"
"i wrote ""extacy,"" caused a sensation.
my professor yelped: ""hell and damnation!
you have terrible spelling.""
i replied: ""quit your yelling.
it's ecstasy's ancient relation.""
"
"my new plastic shows strong conductibility,
but i fear its excessive fragility
trumps conducting a current
(a major deterrent).
my project's now mired in futility.
"
"in a  feverish, nervous condition,
i observed a most foul apparition
in the shape of a bantam:
a shadowy fantom
in the ghostly small poultry tradition.
"
"my poor son-in-law, once energetic,
has a movement disorder. choretic,
his limbs jump and jerk.
he can no longer work,
and it drives him berserk?it's pathetic.
"
"you would never mistake them for cubes?
epididymides: efferent tubes
that transport your sperms,
and can feel like coiled worms,
in your scrotum?down there near your pubes.
"
"not as large or as red as a cherry,
it's a small and an awfully black berry
that's known as the farkleberry,
and also the sparkleberry.
is it bitter in flavor? yes, very.
"
"the surveyors at work in the canyon
left a flag (a small banner, a fanion).
seems that harker had parked it
near a boulder, thus marked it
as a signal to clark, his companion.
"
"said my aunt at the seance, ""what's sillier?""
but the light dimmed; she cringed.  it grew chillier
and a wizard we eyed
with a cat at his side.
(seems this animal's called a familiar.)
"
"the hostess served mushrooms farci,
filled with tender chopped sirloin and brie.
to my lasting disgrace,
i kept stuffing my face
till more stuffed than the mushrooms was me.
"
"fancy up! wear your classiest clothes,
and your diamonds?you've plenty of those!
you'll look sexy, not fat, in
your gown of black satin?
the one where your cleavage most shows.
"
"""your men's chorus sang mozart inspiringly,""
said the judge of the contest, admiringly.
""if that's true, why'd my guys
fail to win any prize?""
our conductor responded enquiringly.
"
"deaf-mutism never would suit
a parvenu name-dropping snoot.
without hearing or speaking,
the advantage he's seeking
would seldom, if ever, compute.
"
"got a facelift at sue's fervent urgin'.
""you'll look young,"" she affirmed, ""like a virgin.
all your wrinkles will vanish!""
post-op i look mannish,
so i'm suing both sue and the surgeon.
"
"i'd imagined the truth had been stretched
when ted claimed that my portrait was sketched
on dried yak hides he'd get
at a shop in tibet.
you'll agree that it sounded farfetched.
"
"cousin mame was aflame with the claim
that emoting on stage would bring fame?
that wherever she'd go
folks would know her, but no,
people passed her right by just the same.
"
"who was jonathan winters? that guy
got me laughing so hard i would cry
with his comic inventions,
like oldsters on pensions.
my intention's a loving ""goodbye!""
"
"on her birthday?at age eighty-eight?
dad gave mom a commemorative plate,
engraved: ""will you marry
me, kate?"" and signed ""harry.""
mom's answer: ""too little, too late.""
"
"these isles in the southern atlantic
(the falklands) made two nations frantic.
the argentines, skittish,
sought to throw out the british
but lost, and the blow was gigantic.
"
"i'll announce this just once, so make notes:
you draw two backward c's; each one floats
up and over your line.
you will find this works fine
to show ends of quotations: close quotes.
"
"it's a great ugly lump on my bone,
and my doctor says: ""leave it alone.""
what i'm finding so gross is
a large exostosis,
and i'm prone to intone: ""how it's grown!""
"
"i observed a eurasian green toad,
and a mighty fine color it showed.
did its beautiful green
 make it linger to preen?
such a shame it was squashed on the road!
"
"an exteroceptor, my eye
sees the world as it passes me by.
it perceives what's outside
as through cities i stride,
and alerts me when danger is nigh.
"
"the new drug that my doctor injects
causes extrapyramidal effects,
and this movement disorder
his tv recorder,
in high definition, detects.
"
"our new roomer has started a rumor
that i've got an immense fatty tumor
down below in my gut.
i should censure her, but
""dear, i'm pregnant,"" i state with good humor.
"
"call it blueweed, or call it blue thistle,
it makes farmers and gardeners bristle,
as it's coarse?also prickly?
and grows in quite quickly.
they seek this intruder's dismissal.
"
"an ethicist knows every ethic
and can teach, using graphs isoplethic,
right from wrong to a lout?
why it's rude, without doubt,
to point out that a gal's planistethic.
"
"asked the rabbi: ""who made this phylactery?""
i replied: ""cousin zack, in his factory.
he makes artifacts there
jews find useful in prayer,
though toward faith his rejection's refractory.""
"
"giant fafner was greedy and bold
in the tale wagner's ""ring cycle"" told.
brother fasolt lay dead;
fafner'd  bashed in his head
as he stole all the rheinmaidens' gold.
"
"in texas, a tribe was called eyeish.
it's not known?were they slyish or spryish?
as a tribe, it is feared,
they have all disappeared,
and if any are left they are shyish.
"
"""when we needed home runs, you hit bunts;
shot the game warden twice during hunts.""
""told ya twice; told ya once:
quit yer callin' me dunce!
if ya don't, i'll?"" (the rest was just grunts.)
"
"each painter once known as a fauve
would daub paint in bright yellow and mauve.
the odd name meant wild beast.
h. matisse was ""high priest.""
now their work sells for millions, by jove!
"
"with kudos, the critics express
their opinions  of thomas ad?s*.
the tempest wins praise
as an opera that pays?
it's attained an amazing success.
"
"this opera begins with its name
and the name of its hero?the same.
this shakespearean jest,
verdi's last (maybe best?),
brought him greatly deserved comic fame.
"
"his chemical secret, a suberate,
is so cheap that his stockpiles exuberate.
they help him make plastic
the world deems fantastic,
which, in turn, makes his ego extuberate.
"
"job and school, at my mother's insistence,
are both ten miles from home (equidistance),
but the fact i like least:
one's due west; one's due east.
it's the bane of my teenage existence.
"
"at the zoo, we observed the eared seals,
and our laughter rang out in great peals
as they struggled along
on the rocks. was that wrong?
now i wonder just how the beast feels.
"
"a hermaphrodite, shunning another,
may have kids?be both father and mother.
when (s)he does and compares
the looks of these heirs,
seen in pairs, they resemble each other.
"
"""seems your microbes are grown in a dish
instead of a mammal or fish?
not in vivo, alas,
but in vitro (in glass).""
""grown ex vivo,  they're simpler to squish.""
"
"deep respect for old europe i bring:
europhiliac love for each thing
that one calls continental.
i'm so sentimental,
i weep at the death of each king.
"
"what this form i am filling out lacks
is a line for my estimated tax:
that rough calculation
i paid to the nation.
did my payment just fall through the cracks?
"
"""in my youth i was jaunty, overtly,
and never moved slowly, inertly.
now i'm sluggish and slow,
but adept?truly so?
in the know,"" declared gertie expertly.
"
"the evening bag mourned in this verse
is a handbag?a small beaded purse?
that i wore to the prom
with sangfroid and aplomb.
when i lost it, i let out a curse.
"
"echoencephalograms help obtain
useful views of a baby's small brain.
as its soft fontanelle
is adapted quite well,
information on structure we gain.
"
"some glands that we call endocrinal
may be thyroid, but never vaginal.
their secretions will flood
right into your blood,
as they're ductless by nature?that's final.
"
"if an animal grows a long byssus,
it will seldom receive many kisses.
i refer to the mussel,
a beast with no hustle;
i doubt that he knows what he misses.
"
"said the hippie, ""i love you incurably;
let's establish our marriage so durably
that no one can sever
our bond, though we'll never
have assets we purchase insurably.""
"
"frank's a fanfaron; yes, he's a bragger.
observe his gargantuan swagger.
with a cynical sneer,
he denies knowing fear,
though when faced by real danger he'll stagger.
"
"though he'd hoped that his tone would be amatory,
sam's proposal seemed sharply exclamatory.
he yelled, ""marry me now!""
bess said, ""don't have a cow.
when you shout like a lout it's inflammatory.""
"
"in my thesis, this fact has centrality:
human beings must have sexuality.
through this trait we're all linked,
and we'd soon be extinct
if it failed. man, that's true essentiality.
"
"now the fairy-wren family i hail!
emu wren, you are dainty and frail,
but attached to your rear
is some marvelous gear?
one might call it a truly tall tail.
"
"who would want a fat body? a toad.
it is tissue mom nature bestowed
near the genital gland,
helping gametes withstand
hibernation, when functions are slowed.
"
"dad left two hundred acres of farmland:
babbling streams, fertile fields?quite a charm land.
then a series of droughts
killed each year's brussels sprouts,
an example of climate-change-harm land.
"
"weekday nights ken frequents pizzerias.
on weekends, he lives on tortillas?
a pretty dull diet.
he doesn't deny it,
but he's fanciless (short on ideas).
"
"you may find our new neighbor dogmatic
at the prayer meetings held in his attic.
i thought i'd alert you:
he'll try to convert you.
the man's a religious fanatic.
"
"frank was fastuous (arrogant, proud),
with his head held erect, never bowed.
when admonished: ""it's naughty
to be extra haughty,""
he sneered and he laughed right out loud.
"
"though he eats with extreme fastidiosity,
brad has gradually gained adiposity.
""i make efforts extreme?
don't eat butter or cream,
but it seems i've become a monstrosity.""
"
"""ted tells tales,"" sadie said. ""he's a fabler.""
""he's a liar!"" cried larry, a labeler.
""don't call him that name,""
i said.  ""ted's not to blame.""
(what a shame that i'm such an enabler.)
"
"fattoush i've defined in this ballad,
a portrayal i trust you'll find valid.
it's a dish that won't whoosh
extra bulk to your tush.
it's a heart-healthy mid-eastern salad.
"
"cacerolazo? is that what you've got?
(word from spanish?a protest that's hot.)
i can hear a loud clang;
anti-drug marchers bang
pot on pan, and then pan against pot!
"
"there are asteroids hurtling through space.
if one hits us, it's sure to erase?
kill us all?every place,
without leaving a trace.
buy insurance (sign here) just in case.
"
"as i cooked up some pork known as fatback,
my husband remarked as he sat back,
""i've grown stout 'cause i eat
too much fat-laden meat.
my slim waistline? i'll never get that back!""
"
"i don't think too much of him, actually.
his scholarship often errs factually;
yet this contract i signed
(was i out of my mind?)
means the clod's my co-author, contractually.
"
"your new girlfriend's so thin! we must flatten out
the folds in her bra. pat should fatten out,
but to stuff her with pie,
we must first get her high.
ask the waiter to bring a manhattan out.
"
"""after months of continuous toil,
this compound i fear i may spoil,""
said sol, waxing voluble.
""it isn't fat-soluble,
and i've tried to dissolve it in oil.""
"
"i had eight hundred acres of wheat.
last year's yield was abundant and sweet.
this year's died. dad confirms
it was earcockle worms.
now my fields are all paved with concrete.
"
"how compulsive is mom? dad has said:
""when i wake up to go to the head
after midnight, at three
(if i've drunk lots of tea),
while i'm peeing, my wife makes the bed.""
"
"daisy cost me a lot; she's not cheap,
and i now have to pay for her keep.
but the fat on her ass
means she's truly first class,
and i'll breed her and raise fat-tailed sheep.
"
"of their embryo, nate made a fate map,
showing which cells formed what. ""it's a great map!""
he declared.  ""these few grains
sure can't form the kid's brains,""
complained kate. ""nate, you've made a third-rate map.""
"
"in supporting research on her topic,
joseph's motives were all philanthropic;
but sue's dismal predictions
shook joseph's convictions.
""our future is fearful, dystopic.""
"
"dolichocephaly: having a narrow-
shaped braincase, like that of a  sparrow.
but don't get me wrong,
though the shape may be long,
it's more wide than a worm or an arrow.
"
"it was even as houseguests came in
that i noticed our shortage of gin,
so they might not be awed,
and would fail to applaud
when my son-in-law played violin.
"
"to calc-tufa, carol a chorus?
calciferous rock that is porous,
like a sponge or a loofah.
it's also called tufa.
neither word's in my on-line thesaurus.
"
"it's a term you'll encounter below on
line two. i define epiploon:
omentum (the greater).
near the body's equator,
o'er your gut it is draped; shall i go on?
"
"eurocentrism puts europe first.
it's a view with which many are cursed.
seen through prejudiced eyes,
western views seem most wise.
(guess in china, the whole thing's reversed.)
"
"it's a practice i don't understand.
why should garbage, i ask you, be canned?
can our ham, can our hash,
and our spam?but our trash?
i demand it be banned out of hand!
"
"""what's an ethyl group?"" asked betty boop.
""a boop-a-doop  girls' flapper troupe,
singing radical jive?""
""no, it's c2h5,
found in molecules. that's the straight poop.""
"
"our senator's just gone away,
on a fact-finding trip, so they say.
his objective's exact:
to extract every fact
about nice and about st. tropez.
"
"do we call it a buffalo bug
'cause it's found in a buffalo rug?
no, this arthropod hulk
has been named for its bulk
and its ill-favored buffalo mug.
"
"though its cymes may be droopy and floppy,
it's a beautiful plant?the blue poppy.
it's the flower of bhutan,
where each dweller's a fan,
and i'm telling you, man, it's not sloppy.
"
"now i'm ill and ask: ""when did it start?
when did adipose tissue impart
a new look to my ticker?""
i seem to get sicker;
i'm doomed, as i've got fatty heart.
"
"""when you measure electrical charge,
it's a unit to use,"" explained marge.
""it's a faraday (name
of a man of great fame)
and compared to the coulomb, it's large.""
"
"our impassioned adieus we'll elongate,
as we kiss, on and on, near this strong gate
to the platform. in pain,
locked in woe we'll remain.
what? we just missed your train? it's the wrong gate?
"
"""a fatwa,"" said lynn the virginian,
""is a muslim court legal opinion.""
""an imam all alone?
this he'll do on his own?
and without,"" asked lynn's rabbi, ""a minyan?""
"
"""our new abbot seems moral and pious;
not a bigot,"" said brother matthias,
""but because i am stout,
he is throwing me out.
lord, that's fattism?anti-fat bias!""
"
"i was offered a job shipping cargo
to a far away city called fargo
that's in east north dakota,
but the state set a quota,
then finally passed an embargo.
"
"to the faith ray seems truly devoted,
but his doctrine with ego is coated.
overwrought emotionality
trumps spirituality?
his holiness seems to be bloated.
"
"this student of cultures (ethnologist)
is proud of his work?no apologist.
his descriptive analysis
of kindness and malice is
of interest to every psychologist.
"
"the pretentious old prof at the station
complained of extreme fatigation.
his old word i admired.
though he only meant ""tired,""
still it filled me with true admiration.
"
"the medical meaning i seek
of this term, which i think is unique.
called elective-type  mutism,
it involves absolutism
in a child who refuses to speak.
"
"it's an obsolete word that i found,
armisonant: filled with the sound
of the clashing of armor
and swords. it's a charmer.
today we have mortars that pound.
"
"""what's that plant hanging up in the basket?""
""it's a ball fern; so strange you should ask it!
it's the squirrel foot fern
my deceased uncle vern
had requested we place on his casket.""
"
"in his execrative rant, thor's abhoring
opponents, and isn't ignoring
the lowliest critic
whose words were acidic.
at least his harangues are not boring.
"
"""though i'm older than you,"" he said agingly,
""and your father reacts to me ragingly,
will you marry me, bess?""
she replied to him, ""yes,""
in a sweet, pleasing manner, engagingly.
"
"long-suffering mom, an endurer,
stayed with dad, who behaved like der f?hrer,
till his death (unexpected),
when she amply collected.
for years she had paid an insurer.
"
"""oh, say can you see"" is a line
from our national anthem.  it's fine
if you sing it with glee,
and like francis scott key,
find ""old glory's"" survival a sign.
"
"when i wake up at night in my bed,
many limericks race through my head,
but they all define p-words,
not a-, b-, or c-words?
we won't get to p till i'm dead!
"
"each morning i stroll around town
with a pad and a self-absorbed frown,
and though neighbors may scoff
as my thoughts are dashed off,
this dashed limerick i quickly dashed down.
"
"i am late for a date?a big feed. one
of those cabstands should help; yes, indeed. one
seems deserted.  a strike?
then i'd best go by bike.
man, you can't get a cab when you need one!
"
"dow jones &amp; co. covers finances;
through its paper, your skill it enhances.
are there market securities
that are stained with impurities?
read the journal to better your chances.
"
"the south african settlers? they slew bucks?
thus the heartbreaking tale of the blue bucks.
i will make it succinct:
the etaac's now extinct.
in museums now dwell the last few bucks.
"
"the wood-elk (umbrella magnolia)
won't be found on the steppes of mongolia...
i said wood-elk, i fear;
i meant elk-wood. oh dear,
will you pardon my  strephosymbolia?
"
"now you're working as one of our clerks,
you'll enjoy all our jobholder's perks.
you can buy our devices
at very nice prices:
to employees, the cost is ex-works.
"
"what's an eyewinker?  dear, that's your lash,
but it also refers to some ash
that's blown into your eye,
and may cause you to cry.
it's an irritant?dust or just trash.
"
"""you're obese and i'm sure you'll agree,""
said my mom, ""that your diet should be
less caloric than that
which we label 'low fat.'
just eat food without lipids?fat-free.""
"
"though they're great board game players, the tafts
all have oodles of allergies?rafts!
seems the least little breezes
cause outbreaks of sneezes;
don't count on an evening of draughts.
"
"it came from a transgenic goat;
it was stuff firms tried hard to promote.
they sought out subscribers
to buy these fine fibers,
but biosteel just didn't float.
"
"the mythical beast called the faun
in old sculptures showed masculine brawn.
this half man and half goat,
modern critics may note,
is no longer believed in.  he's gone.
"
"""your new chair? it belongs in the comics;
it's a 'howdy,' 'god dag,' and 'salaam' mix.""
""i'll ignore that crack, jack,
'cause it's good for the back.
my invention has sound ergonomics.""
"
"bessie's biopsy found, in her breast,
signs of cancer, and bessie felt stressed.
but her lump was benign,
and we'd later opine
'twas false positive news from that test.
"
"as a model, aunt pat was a poser.
many prize-winning portraits disclose her.
though by artists once viewed
without clothes, in the nude,
it's now rude to say pat's an exposer.
"
"what's expository tells us (expounds)
a topic, say: hunting with hounds.
it explains and makes clear
what to wear, needed gear,
and locations where wildlife abounds.
"
"seems that wheat is the basic material
in this food that, to me, is ethereal.
i first ate farina
in herzegovina.
it's a delicate, mild-tasting cereal.
"
"""having faith, you accept that in spite
of what's likely, what you think is right.
though your friends can't conceive it,
you really believe it:
you'll be saved by a handsome white knight.""
"
"on the orals, his answers, spontaneous,
were verbose?also mostly extraneous.
the exam was on quarks,
but he quoted karl marx
and appended remarks miscellaneous.
"
"an informer since i was quite young,
as a spy i've been living among
refugees from mongolia,
iraq, anatolia,
and other such places far-flung.
"
"to describe many cultures he strives?
how they grew to affect people's lives.
ethnographic pursuits
try to tease out these roots:
how humanity changes and thrives.
"
"to eyeball a page is to read
it with care. if you wish to succeed,
on your time put no limit.
explore it, don't skim it;
a scan or a glance may mislead.
"
"for yours truly, defining etern
is a matter of little concern.
it's a poet's ""eternal,""
no use in my journal,
and not worth the trouble to learn.
"
"when i fell, dislocating my knee,
i was helped by a skilled emt
who reacted with urgency
to my medical emergency?
a technician, but not an m.d.
"
"my poor pooch?all her pups were born dead.
""poor nutrition,"" i think the vet said.
guess their half-starved prenatalness
proved a sad  fatalness.
for months my dog only ate bread.
"
"if you're gravid but shun reproduction,
and your pregnancy's bound for destruction,
get an early abortion.
it won't involve torsion;
the womb's emptied out by exsuction.
"
"""i am starting a club; hope joe joins.
we will not be collecting old coins.
we'll go out to catch floozies.""
""poor joe will refuse; he's
elumbated?weak in the loins.""
"
"last night in our neighborhood diner,
i endured epilepsia minor:
had a fit?petit mal?
while caressing my gal.
to feel sexy it didn't incline 'er.
"
"i met violet out in dubai.
she was lovely, i could not deny.
then she shot me an eyebeam
that wasn't a shy beam.
her intemperate glance got me high.
"
"blood grew pale in  poor jack's vena cava
when he dined on broad beans (they're called fava).
first his red cells dissolved,
then the problem was solved:
he was told he'd be safe eating guava.
"
"fast reactors? i ask: will they last,
or become just a thing of the past?
will machines that are quicker
and newer and slicker
displace the ones now known as fast?
"
"healing arts (those we call esculapian)
can save lives, whether reptile or apian.
but from ancient bazaars
to our modern e.r.s,
most have helped the unwell ""homo sapien.""
"
"my doctor is sure it's starvation
that has led to my liver's stagnation.
her firm diagnosis?
severe steatosis?
you'll know it as fatty degeneration.
"
"need to bleach or perhaps disinfect?
you'll be asking my help, i expect.
using chlorinated lime
saves both money and time.
that's the method you ought to select.
"
"billy carr bought a far-out guitar.
in a far-off bazaar in dakar.
see its neck and its frets?
they're as odd as it gets;
this guitar's avant-garde and bizarre.
"
"sid's kidney stones?painful, marmoreal?
required some extracorporeal
lithotripsy?shock
waves  that cleared up his block.
he was part of the med school's tutorial.
"
"the brain's cerebellum is grand.
there are gray cells in groups like a strand:
a fastigial clump
that can help when you jump,
when you're moving your eyes, or you stand.
"
"old geoffrey was very observant,
and to be a good host he was fervent.
guest in need of a saucer?
the great author chaucer
called a famular in (that's a servant).
"
"""for this serious inborn pathology,
which version's correct terminology?""
sally wanted to know,
""tetralogy of fallot,
or do we say fallot's tetralogy?""
"
"doc's response to the scan, instantaneous:
""there's no break, just a bruised-up calcaneus.
heels can heal very fast;
she won't need a huge cast
made of plaster?that's needless, extraneous.""
"
"""i once saw a snake shed its skin,""
said bryn to his in-laws and kin.
""when it climbed out from in,
from its tail to its chin,
what was left was a delicate twin.""
"
"what dentist can ever compete
with doc sweet, who loves words obsolete?
when he pulled out my tooth,
he informed me, ""in sooth,
your premolar i had to extreat.""
"
"my friend skip, though he often is tipsy,
is the cleverest guy in poughkeepsie.
even drunk (so i've heard),
he'll define any word,
so i ask: ""what's a faw?"" ""it's a gypsy.""
"
"the young boy played piano fantastically?
so damned well it affected me drastically.
""hell, his fame has been blown up,""
i thought.  as a grown-up,
i'm ashamed i responded  sarcastically.
"
"as we're taught by biology teachers,
amoebida's an order of creatures
that includes the amoeba.
from brooklyn to chiba,
they're known by their protean features.
"
"the everglades: large southern swamp,
where the gators eat frogs with a chomp,
and the manatees, grazing
on grass, are amazing,
and spoonbills and pelicans romp.
"
"""i prepared my report confidentially,
expounding each facet essentially,
then i rapidly rose
in repute. heaven knows
talent shows!"" declared tom exponentially.
"
"his tennis career badly swerved
when, by injury weakened (enerved),
herbie's famous fast serve
lost its near-perfect curve?
was it karma poor herbie deserved?
"
"not likely a user of oppio,
he worked hard?gabriele falloppio.
he excelled in anatomy,
both of giant and atomy.
for pep did he order a doppio?
"
"the false bottom built into his trunk
means my son smuggles treasures, not junk.
he brings gold in, and jewels.
""customs agents are fools,""
he opines, ""either stupid or drunk.""
"
"i complained to the clumsy detective:
""be more careful!""  i added invective:
""you've been treading on clues
with your bulky damned shoes!""
then he stopped?guess my rant was effective.
"
"it's okay to be nationalistic,
but ""the state above all"" sounds fascistic.
hitler, franco, per?n,
like a king on a throne,
practiced fascism; each was sadistic.
"
"she's far-famed; she's a star widely known.
with each movie, her fan base has grown.
now she cries: ""guys, i'm tired
of being admired.
i beg you, please leave me alone!""
"
"my epidemiology degrees
show i've studied the spread of disease.
my heartfelt intention:
to assist in prevention.
shall i vaccinate kids or fight fleas?
"
"reproduce without sex (that's monogony),
or with ova and sperm (gametogony);
if the offspring you raise
has an embryo phase,
call the start of its life embryogony.
"
"with wealth i've been blessed (as you've guessed?rich)
selling beautiful down that's called estrich.
from the ostrich it comes,
and it earns me big sums.
now i'm fed and i'm housed and i'm dressed rich.
"
"have you noticed how folks in their prime
will believe growing old is a crime?
but although they are waging
a war against aging,
in the end, they'll surrender to time.
"
"he's an action-packed lad, effervescent,
in motion?frenetic, incessant.
my impression of pete
is of glowing white heat;
like a blowtorch, the kid's excandescent.
"
"what's egyptian? the cobra, the cotton,
the empire (which europe was not in),
the sycamore, plover;
there's more to discover?
the cat called the mau? i'd forgotten.
"
"it sells playthings of marvelous sorts
and equipment for little kids' sports.
it's a landmark; what's more,
it's my favorite store?
the cool toyshop called fao schwarz.
"
"what is equine pertains to a horse,
like ann romney's mane hobby, of course.
bet a quarter that mitt
doesn't like it one bit.
should she nag, would he threaten divorce?
"
"has that phony young basso (the preppy) gone?
his performance made clear he's an epigon
who mimics a star,
singing godunov's czar,
while the audience asks: ""where's siepi gone?""
"
"toss a coin and i wager, believin'
fifty-fifty is fair, not deceivin'.
now my wife's sayin', ""honey,
you bet even money.""
i'm confused when she adds, ""odds are even.""
"
"penile tissue that docs call erectile
can spurt with a force that's projectile.
keep this flesh that can burgeon;
do not let your surgeon
decide that your joystick's exsectile.
"
"when i'm anxious and tense to the max,
i don't seek panaceas from quacks.
i shed all of my troubles
while soaking in bubbles;
my bath?that is where i relax.
"
"in canton and hong kong, songs called cantopop
won't be heard in great britain as ""panto-pop,""
as their words seldom please
those  who can't speak chinese.
let's invent a world style: ""esperanto-pop.""
"
"monsieur ?douard's estates, posh, manorial,
and his sweatshops?they're extraterritorial,
so his smoke-belching foundries
are outside our boundaries.
he acts like his rights are seigneurial.
"
"by his party's top leaders anointed,
as chief justice this brute was appointed.
the position was nominative,
and made the guy dominative.
will his clout leave our law courts disjointed?
"
"at first the poor victim can't sleep.
the descent to dementia is steep.
the genetics are dire:
half his kids will expire
of the illness, so families weep.
"
"the creed of our newest foundation?
for animal equalization:
no creature's superior
and none is inferior.
crustacean is peer of dalmatian.
"
"when i barely could hear the chorale
or a whisper of love from my gal,
i was spooked to the max
till my doctor cleared wax
from my external auditory canal.
"
"though i won't say it ischiorrhogically,
i'll define this hard word?ethnologically:
""from a cultural view.""
without further ado,
i'll conclude this address demagogically.
"
"if you're manic-depressive, here's news:
taking eskalith fends off the blues,
and there's no need to panic;
it won't make you manic.
the mood swings are all that you'll lose.
"
"""eurocommunism favored alliance,""
says the text for our course (social science).
""it supported new movements
for social improvements?
towards the ussr showed defiance.""
"
"east-southeast of my town's where you are.
but my car's gps is bizarre?
though its voice says, ""go west!""
(horace greeley-obsessed),
toward the sunrise i'm pointing the car.
"
"""when my work's extra-fine and meticulous,
all my nerves hurt: i feel each fasciculus!""
""neural threads,"" i dispute,
""are extremely minute.
feel their clusters, you coot? that's ridiculous!""
"
"this critic reviews my work spittingly.
guess he praised my last novel unwittingly,
""she writes appositely,"" he
just opined. could it be
he meant oppositely rather than ""fittingly""?
"
"the estragon's leaves, aromatic,
call up memories, make me ecstatic.
beyond normal reasoning,
this sensuous seasoning
delights me; i'm quite a fanatic.
"
"anesthesia is never denied
when we try, down your gullet, to slide
an esophagoscope.
it will help you to cope
as we look at your organ's inside.
"
"in the skull, every structure is graced
with a spot where it's meant to be placed,
but the syndrome this fella
describes (""empty sella"")
makes its base seem?good lord!?empty-spaced.
"
"for their play-at-home games, here's my plan:
i'll attend them whenever i can.
whether winning or losing,
this team's of my choosing.
the mets: they're my team; i'm their fan.
"
"""let's reprogram this segment et seq.,""
says the overly confident tech.
""that's the portion that follows.""
his customer swallows
and says, ""please don't leave it a wreck!""
"
"our new governor, dannel malloy,
is unlikely to fancy (enjoy)
being called by the press
the name ""daniel.""  i'd guess
it's a ploy that would irk and annoy.
"
"lovely faceted diamond, so pretty,
i'll compose you an ode or a ditty:
bright multi-faced gemstone,
whom none can condemn?stone
that's not mine to own, more's the pity.
"
"jane complains that her mate's egoistic:
conceited, aloof, narcissistic,
unbending, unmoving.
he's so disapproving
his valentine card's dislogistic.
"
"my feet are so happy, they glow,
as they take me wherever i go.
i massage them with aloe,
deep down, and not shallow?
the soles, and the heels, and each toe.
"
"i do not think you have a  thrombosis.
leaking blood has produced ecchymosis,
so the skin's black and blue.
see your doctor so you
can get treatment, improve your prognosis.
"
"was ivan a terrible czar?
the worst ruler of russia by far?
and was peter so great
'cause he pulled his own weight,
so historians rate him a star?
"
"right after his recitativo,
ron's singing was fast (presto vivo),
but showing such feeling
it set us all reeling?
revealing, intense, espressivo.
"
"the new testament brings us good news;
it can help us know jesus's views.
not simply a relic,
this work evangelic
is truly worthwhile to peruse.
"
"eurocentric's a word for my view.
my world centers on europe. do you
find that continent best
and look down on the rest?
then, i guess, it refers to you too.
"
"my aunt rae runs a small estaminet.
it's a friendly (if shabby) caf?
where acquaintances meet
both to drink and to eat,
as a treat at the end of the day.
"
"captain wright was alight (he's excitable).
""can the north and the south be unitable?
i adore civil war?
never bored if there's gore;
blood galore flows when battles are fightable.""
"
"i'm insulted, as wise men advise
that by using this word sy implies
i do not tell the truth.
why, the guy's damned uncouth!
yes, a fabricator's one who tells lies.
"
"his joy and his vigor were stolen
from life when his belly was swollen.
said his doc, ""i advise
we exteriorize
and examine and treat your sick colon.""
"
"you'd described your blind date in esthetic
detail, using language poetic;
but to me she seemed gross
and was so grandiose.
my reaction, i fear, was emetic.
"
"seems that ethanal's found in your bread.
massive doses can render you dead.
you've been drinking some booze?
from your liver 'twill ooze,
then breed hangovers, make your face red.
"
"callirhoe: name opportune
for a mallow, if one r you prune
from an ancient greek naiad
(with husbands?a triad),
or the name of a jupiter moon.
"
"a succulent plant that was cactiform
hung down from the cave roof, stalactiform.
from its tip, liquid dripping
seemed perfect for sipping?
a purified essence extractiform.
"
"our studies are never intrusive,
and we try to make sure they're conducive
to cementing alliances.
environmental science is
of multiple subjects inclusive.
"
"though his labors that aid are unpaid,
jay will succor a suffering maid.
sighed one lady, ""i'm cursed
with unquenchable thirst.""
from some lemons, jay made her an ade.
"
"""i, while trying to be more athletic,
froze my toes?i'm, god knows, diabetic.
a cold rubber,"" cried pete,
could perhaps warm my feet.""
""it's a substance, you fool, that's synthetic.""
"
"each november we're likely to hear
politicians campaign (electioneer).
they will loudly give voice
to the slate of their choice?
pull our strings like some wild puppeteer.
"
"a new visage was fixed to my head.
they unveiled it; i trembled with dread,
and i bellowed in terror.
they'd grafted, in error,
not a face but a fanny instead.
"
"""our bank account's fallen subtractionably;
did lew break any rules, act infractionably?""
""i suspect he withdrew
funds that weren't yet his due.""
""can we sue him? did lew behave actionably?""
"
"is it indian, greek, or chinese?
brought from burma, bhutan, or belize?
since it ain't, you can't say:
""this farfetch is outr?!""
(it's from brooklyn and not overseas.)
"
"certain trees yield these oils aromatic,
called balsam. my mother's emphatic
that one whiff of their scent
makes her feel quite content,
while a dozen will leave her ecstatic.
"
"the ethnologist lived in a shanty,
in the jungle, where rations were scanty.
he studied the lingo
of ghana, and bingo!
he learned to say panty in fanti.
"
"their bedroom was always a mess,
and it caused his poor wife great distress.
his disorderliness made
her desert, i'm afraid,
and she won't be returning, i guess.
"
"among nobles of rome confarreation
is the family's joy and foundation.
an official, a cake,
and ten witnesses make
getting wed a divine celebration.
"
"what's a faltboat? a craft that's unsound?
has it problems and faults that abound?
no, the name, truth be told,
comes from german for fold.
it's a kayak-like boat to get 'round.
"
"""build some falsework beneath that arched wall,""
calls the foreman who's building the hall.
""we'll construct it to serve
as support for the curve,
so the building's high vault will not fall.""
"
"manny's fantasm (fantasized specter)
of his needs was a mental reflector.
although hulking and hairy,
the ghost wasn't scary.
it was more of a friendly protector.
"
"extorsion means ""outward rotation;""
muscle action can be its causation,
or your arm i can twist
and its motion assist,
while extortion's a form of predation.
"
"first mate quit, and our sailboat got tattery.
then my flashlight went dead. it's not flattery
when i say that you're kind
to a fault and won't mind
if i borrow a salt and a battery.
"
"otto cohnheim discovered erepsin.
though not an intestinal pepsin,
like the stomach produced,
still it gave him a boost,
though a mixture it was?like plasmepsin.
"
"""here's a spider crab. look!"" shouted belle.
""it's a shellfish i know very well,
but it seems kinda light.""
i replied, ""you're not right;
that is just its exuvial shell.""
"
"what's deweyan's likely to be
a product of john's great esprit,
so you might think it screwy
if i footnoted dewey
the candidate (that's thomas e.)
"
"i think that my dentist's bipolar.
when he's high, he wears spats and a bowler.
when he's sad, it's depressing.
i guessed he was messing
around when he pulled my ""false molar.""
"
"i'm excited, delighted?i'm fawe
that you're not coming back any mawe.
though cast out in the street,
you will not miss a beat,
and you'll land on your feet. here's the dawe!
"
"the computers can't deal with the speed
of the sale of this stock.  we've agreed
this fast market's big trouble;
it might be a bubble,
but now it just seems a stampede.
"
"continentalise britain? i fear
you mean giving up ale for cold beer.
shall we now be barbarians
like the french and bulgarians?
i'm afraid that's not cricket, my dear.
"
"it's a scab you might find on the skin
of your chin, or your knee, or your shin,
that can help a burn heal
by providing a seal.
with an eschar the germs don't get in.
"
"""emissory: word that,"" said sy,
""has two different meanings that vie
with each other?no doubt.
one is this: 'flowing out,'
while the other's 'an agent or spy.'""
"
"this question should give us all pause:
how do beach crabs get food to their jaws?
as we reach mid-december
we always remember?
when they eat, crabs employ sandy claws.
"
"our drama troupe, matter-of-factly
(when the theaters no longer filled packedly)
saw the future was bleak.
""we'll split up in a week?
seven days,"" said our leader exactly.
"
"a eudemon, i've long understood,
doesn't act like a brute or a hood
or a devil, malevolent.
it's kind and benevolent
and helpful?does nothing but good.
"
"both his friends and his enemies say
that he never does something half way,
and this trait?his extremeness?
he considers supremeness.
he's smugness itself on display.
"
"""can you find me a plural for egg;
not a current, but old word?"" asks greg.
""one that calls like a siren
for attention is eyren,
but please don't revive it,"" i beg.
"
"in the midst of a neighborly chat,
kathy slipped and she fell with a splat.
her femur was shattered
and emboli scattered?
not blood clots but globules of fat.
"
"cacatuidae: family of parrots
not often found living in garrets.
they're cockatoos, crested;
their supremacy's vested.
they dine on fine birdseed and carrots.
"
"yes, i tend to be rambling, discursive.
i'm an outgoing guy, extroversive.
and wherever i go,
from the ritz to skid row,
i'm so kind that my friendship's dispersive.
"
"you have asked if i like dutchman's pipes.
i'll admit they are one of my gripes.
many plants have this name
and they're not all the same.
i can cite at least three different types.
"
"""what's exulceratory tends to form sores,""
mort announced, ""and they're forming in scores.
last night's hot pepper sauce
made my gut cramp and toss.
did it worsen the ulcers in yours?""
"
"an exegete: one who takes pains
to interpret the bible.  there's cain's
awful crime to discuss
and unravel for us,
and lots more that this person explains.
"
"famous amos sells cookies galore.
chocolate chip is the kind i adore.
once his photograph crowned
every box. buy a pound.
they'll be found at your favorite store.
"
"his future was ruined when ron
met annette; his resistance was gone.
he was truly beguiled
when this favoress smiled
while she lied, and kept leading him on.
"
"the old geezer seemed flustered (or bleezed),
and we hoped that he wasn't diseased.
when he sneezed we were seized
with foreboding, which eased;
when we found he was stoned, we were pleased.
"
"fat embolism often is serious:
first a fracture, then syndromes mysterious.
other symptoms?a medley?
can be seen, and be deadly.
if it reaches the brain, you're delirious.
"
"it's taught in botanical schools
that aethusa won't play by the rules.
it resembles a garnish
but, toxic as varnish,
it's a ""parsley"" that's eaten by fools.
"
"among them, there's nary an udder
(just imagining that makes me shudder),
but they've whiskers, and claws
on their paws.  that's because
they're a cluster of cats, called a cludder.
"
"some asserted ted's work was pathetic.
his studies were bioenergetic,
explaining metabolism
in the context of cabalism?
less objective, but much more poetic.
"
"clifford's choice of a field was specific:
life science. his bioscientific
inquiries bore fruit
in his work on the newt.
the reception he got was terrific.
"
"our vet, called from famed academia,
said the mare i had bought in bohemia
had lethal swamp fever,
and he couldn't relieve her.
she had equine infectious anemia.
"
"an x-ray we took of aunt stella
showed a bone that is called a fabella.
it was easy to see,
toward the back of her knee?
not in front, near her kneecap (patella).
"
"your exotism, tom, is chaotic.
though your dhoti is truly exotic,
with your stetson and boots
it attracts laughs and hoots,
and the combo is far from erotic.
"
"sir ralph bellowed out in frustration:
""my sword's been deformed! hell! damnation!
it's not worth a nickel;
it's bent like a sickle.
what a pickle?a frightful falcation!""
"
"what a beautiful  bird is ajaia,
lovely daughter of earth mother gaia,
of roseate hue ?
it's a spoonbill to you ?
found in mangrove but not himalaya.
"
"though a look-alike word it resembles,
dissimuler (""one who dissembles"")
is dissimilar from
the more common word. some
may confuse them when texting with trembles.
"
"is a fabricatress someone to prize,
or a woman i'd tend to despise?
one who labors and makes
useful things, or who fakes?
does she build things or does she tell lies?
"
"when the catcher squats down at home base,
a face guard's protecting his face.
on the football field too,
players wear them, it's true:
as a safeguard, the face they embrace.
"
"if you're fabless, you don't have a fab,
just develop designs in your lab.
you are not the constructors
of your semiconductors.
you outsource that job, pay the tab.
"
"say it ""foh-til"" or say it ""foh-toy,""
it's an armchair that one may employ?
one that's often upholstered.
my spirits are bolstered
when my fine french fauteuil i enjoy.
"
"if to visit on saturday night,
via email i choose to invite
all my friends, would that be
an evite? nosiree!
that old word means ""to shun."" yes, that's right!
"
"though her delicate, frail ethereality
made the girl appear elfin, mortality
was unbearably clear
as he struck her, i fear,
with a blow of impulsive lethality.
"
"jennie grimaced, stretched out on the couch
with a sharp pelvic pain. she cried: ""ouch!
i suspect, my dear liam,
in my peritoneum,
an inflamed rectovaginal  pouch.""
"
"our new workplace is dank, odoriferous.
from its rafters hang drippings calciferous.
it has dangers innate,
and i hate to tempt fate;
 i'm afraid the job's deadly, fatiferous.
"
"son of chaos and brother of night,
the god erebus causes me fright.
seems the ancient greeks said
we will meet once i'm dead,
in the darkness, and craving the light.
"
"with my microscope's great  stereopsis,
see this worm we call fasciolopsis.
not a roundworm (a nematode),
it's a genus of trematode.
of my findings, you've had a synopsis.
"
"the fda regulates drugs?
not the kinds that are peddled by thugs,
but the treatments medicinal
you'll be needin' when kissin'll
infect you with mono-type bugs.
"
"here's our store's sign: ""emergency regs."" it
implores: ""staff, please read these!""  it begs; it
starts: ""leave through this door,
without loitering, or
there'll be gore on the floor near this exit.""
"
"now i'm extricated, loosened?i'm freed
from the grip of that four-flushing swede.
i was captured, mistreated;
the guy lied and cheated.
he'll pay for each dastardly deed!
"
"""i am bumfuzzled, mixed up, confused.""
""tell me, what is that word you just used?""
""an expression, i guess,
from the southern u.s.,
that will peeve you yet leave you amused.""
"
"my son saul's height is seven foot seven,
whereas i measure four foot eleven.
why so tall and so small?
not a clue, none at all.
we'll ask god when we're called up to heaven.
"
"in falmouth, when i was a lass,
delightful vacations we'd pass.
""it's a town on cape cod,""
mother says, ""placed by god:
a small slice of his heaven in mass.""
"
"i often work late; mick gets surly.
today, home at six, i am early.
in our bed i find mick,
thought he doesn't seem sick.
(who's this chick he keeps calling ""nurse shirley""?)
"
"aspergillus, a genus of mold
can trouble the lung, i am told.
the correct diagnosis
is aspergillosis
(and certainly worse than a cold).
"
"euterpean pleasures will be
enjoyed, just as long as we're free
of woes paracusic.
we love to hear music,
not too loud, not too soft, and on key.
"
"in a wife, i have need for docility
and fertility; surely civility.
though she's super, a beauty,
she mustn't be snooty?
my standards for eligibility.
"
"change society! that i suggest
to help folks who by life are distressed.
my quest is euthenics?
good god, not eugenics!
to improve humankind, it works best.
"
"seems my teeth are dissolving away;
their enamel grows thinner each day.
lemon-cranberry juice
is my latest excuse
for erodible choppers' decay.
"
"sid caesar's celebrity rose
on the show that they called show of shows,
with miss imogene coca.
we'd laugh till we'd choke?a
swell program that most of us chose.
"
"this epulis (my overgrown gum)
is so swollen, my gum has gone numb.
says my doc, this adventure
is caused by my denture,
and it's almost as big as his thumb.
"
"""what are esquimaux?"" ""here's my report:
native folk of a far-northern sort.""
""are you saying each wench
and male inuit's french?
do they snack on an esquimau torte?""
"
"bernard m. baruch, presidential
advisor, gave aid quite essential
to the country's finance,
which he helped to advance.
his ideas remain consequential.
"
"two big guys facing off? i envision?
in fact, i predict with precision?
that the two disagree.
very likely there'll be
an exertive and noisy collision.
"
"i like sports, but i hope you're agreeing
that nothing exceeds apr?s-skiing.
these ski lodge activities
just suit my proclivities?
i savor the he-ing and she-ing.
"
"brett said: ""let's see the mets' exhibition game.""
""wow! a baseball-played-naked-tradition game?""
""no! the match, though demanding,
can't change the team's standing.
it's a fully-clothed-only-admission game.""
"
"quite a diva was gerry farrar;
she bested her rivals by far.
she sang with caruso,
and often would do so.
her artistry made her a star.
"
"king oedipus never knew sighlessness
after exiting thebes with goodbyelessness.
leaving followed this act:
his own eyes he'd attacked.
he had gouged them, resulting in eyelessness.
"
"my new condo? it's starting to verminate:
pesky insects, like bedbugs, now germinate.
can you help me, my friend?
yes? then please recommend
a good firm (bugs and worms to exterminate).
"
"to my vet: ""what's that mangy old cur got?
what's that cat with the dark lustrous fur got?""
he explained the black cat
had a virus, and that
the old dog had been poisoned by ergot.
"
"in the cell, the two prisoners wait.
they will promptly be sent to the state
where they're wanted for dealing
in drugs and for stealing.
they'll be extradited. yes, that's their fate.
"
"while parking, tom hit evie's bentley,
and he wanted to let her know gently.
he said, ""send me the bill.""
she replied,  ""yes, i will,""
as she bore him no ill, evidently.
"
"my son leo exclaimed, ""padre mio,
i'm much fatter than what i should be, oh!""
as he stood on the scale,
looking shaky and pale.
""hey, my weight is enough for a trio.""
"
"""length and width, you should marry?the pair o' ya,""
said the square. length to width: ""i'll take care o' ya.
when our sole occupation
is multiplication,
we'll produce two dimensions: an area.""
"
"""this estate's,"" said my lawyer, ""for life.""
dinah's smiles of contentment were rife.
""but,"" he said, ""when you die,
the estate goes bye-bye,
and it cannot be left to your wife.""
"
"eugenics? it caused quite a ruction;
people thought it would lead to destruction.
could the whole human race
be improved, in this case,
by control over man's reproduction?
"
"to eviscerate something, you take
out its organs. that's vital to make
a delightful fish dinner.
you'll sure be a winner
with freshly cut, grilled salmon steak.
"
"faroe islands? they're bumpy, not plains.
and the weather? quite often it rains.
this little description
shows this land's not egyptian.
it's self-governing, under the danes.
"
"the creature was caught in a snare,
which assuredly gave it a scare.
it seemed friendly and spry
(though it's usually shy)
as i freed this delightful brown hare.
"
"i'd sure be unlikely to choose a
pig-ear cup for my study. i'd lose a
secure peace of mind,
as confusion i'd find
in peziza badioconfusa.
"
"aminonaphthol: a word i've contrived
to define. son, my nerve's been revived!
it's a compound, bambino,
(isomeric, amino)
and from naphthol the stuff is derived.
"
"please forgive me for twitching so much.
my arm jumps and my fingers may clutch?
i get spasms and jerk,
interfering with work.
my entasia can get me in dutch.
"
"archicerebellar means, phylogenetically:
""of the earliest part, theoretically,
that was formed in the brain's
cerebellar domains.""
yes, it also comes first alphabetically.
"
"anodally means toward the plus,
where an ion will move without fuss,
heading straight, without shyness,
if its charge is a minus.
i think they're much smarter than us.
"
"this root caused a major kerfuffle
when i emptied it out of my duffel.
what i'd dug from a ditch
won't be making us rich:
it's a false (not an actual) truffle.
"
"if you eat lots of sugar and cream,
you'll be fat and unfit, it would seem.
but restricting your diet
to lettuce? don't try it!
that's radical, far out, extreme.
"
"out-of-body, or extracorporeal,
soared my soul over landscapes arboreal,
then saw meadows a buyer
had fenced with barbed wire?
flight of spirit meets greed territorial.
"
"see the blood that is under your skin
where you recently bumped your left shin?
it's extravasated; from
the small vessels it's come.
it's oozed out, but it can't get back in.
"
"i adopt many creeds with proteanism,
like shinto, bah'ai, manicheanism,
but i'm sure this is right:
i say ""europe, unite!""
yes, i'd fight for this cause: europeanism.
"
"mrs. staver made candy treats flavoredly,
and her students enjoyed the sweets savoredly,
but she saved up the best
for her pet, and the rest
were all jealous of tess, treated favoredly.
"
"your exceptionable bill is offensive;
my objections abundant, extensive.
you are charging for wood
twenty times what you should,
so my building's unduly expensive.
"
"it's with you that i'd like to be breeding;
to the altar i wish we were speeding.
you're not exorable, sweetie:
you spurn my entreaty
and fail to respond to my pleading.
"
"my family's been brought to its knees
by inherited fabry's disease.
on chromosome x
is a gene linked to sex
that's defective, our doctor agrees.
"
"the deinoceras lived long ago.
he was large and had hoofs down below,
like a cow or a camel,
but a weightier mammal?
the kind that museums might show.
"
"as we listened to phoebe's oration,
we expected expert enunciation.
well, her speech was so clear
that we stood up to cheer.
we were thrilled; she surpassed expectation.
"
"our society oft assigns fault
to the victim of sexual assault.
people find her to blame,
thus increasing her shame.
it's a practice we somehow must halt.
"
"calixtus iii tried to forge a
crusade, but he failed; yet by george, a
short reign of three years
left a legacy (tears)?
the next pope of the family borgia.
"
"do you like to read stories that shock,
are well-written?not drivel or schlock?
then you'll scatter confetti
to hail cousin betty?
go read honor? de balzac!
"
"engineership described his skill well.
all us folks thought mel's bridges were swell.
he grew wealthy and fat
till the hurricane that
blew so hard that his largest one fell.
"
"my friend larry, from dallas, in texas,
loves to drive around town in his lexus.
though he can't get a date,
don't bemoan the guy's fate?
to his car goes his major cathexis.
"
"he lives in a house with his aunty
(it's a moth-eaten broken-down shanty)
and won't date (i suppose
it's his cyrano nose);
he's a ringer for jimmy durante.
"
"mr. president's dog was called fala.
with his boss, he attended a gala
where he slept on the floor,
found the speeches a bore?
to the pup as obscure as cabala.
"
"the singer was called jussi bj?rling.
his voice, said the critics, was sterling.
this tenor from sweden
made earth into eden;
his artistry set the world twirling.
"
"in zululand soldiers are battling,
using rotary guns named for gatling,
when macgregor appears
and he covers his ears,
says, ""eneuch of this rattling and brattling!""
"
"an acritan creature deserves
admiration, though not for its curves,
but for having survived?
even being long-lived?
with no eyes, with no brains, with no nerves.
"
"with a beautiful girl it begins;
zeus becomes a great swan and he wins
lovely leda?he's master.
their offspring are castor
and pollux, dioscuri (twins).
"
"the night that we made our espousal
was one of hot sex and carousal.
we are planning to wed
so each night in our bed
we'll repeat that first love-making tousle.
"
"dna is the stuff of each gene:
double helix in peasant and queen.
it determines our traits,
like our heights and our weights?
dwarf and giant, but most in between.
"
"of bill's skill at pr, here's a sample:
ms. campbell's obese?more than ample?
yet he made her a star,
best exemplar by far:
buxom beauty? a perfect example!
"
"of our company's creed the expounder,
fred explains why our firm mustn't founder:
""to cook fish that tastes nice,
chefs suggest our fine spice.
what's our motto? add bounce to your flounder!""
"
"though it's mixed by your pub's virtuosa,
you're unlikely to drink a mimosa
from this fungous brown cup,
and you won't eat it up.
it's no use?dumontinia tuberosa.
"
"when you study a planet or moon,
several clefts (or chasmata) will soon
show these orbs do not lack
a deep canyon or crack,
and to know the right term is a boon.
"
"in these clerical books i've been delvin'.
they're by calvin, you fool, not by kelvin,
and this calvin's named john.
no, his name is not on
the nobel, 'cause that calvin's called melvin.
"
"he was born in the land of linguine?
his talents prodigious, not teeny?
a sculptor and writer,
and also a fighter,
his name's benvenuto cellini.
"
"when i'm making a stew or a cr?pe,
i will go out and find me a cep.
through the forest i'll creep
till i find a fine c?pe.
tasty mushroom?the very first step.
"
"""what's that stuff on your face, grace?"" ""it's powder,
expensive, but chic makes me prouder.
though the price isn't tiny,
my nose isn't shiny.
i'll laud est?e lauder still louder.""
"
"got the fantods?she's having a fit.
she looks fearsome, i'll have to admit.
from her eyes she hurls spears;
sparks emerge from her ears;
from her loud-howling mouth dribbles spit.
"
"i doubt that i'll be the controller
of a spaceship that goes extrasolar.
no, i won't be the ace
who explores outer space,
nor on some exoplanet a stroller.
"
"lost your larynx? find someone who'll teach
you to use esophageal speech.
you will first learn to chirp
with a purposeful burp.
soon good english will be within reach.
"
"i haven't much luck at roulette;
with each bet i go further in debt.
i to apsaras pray
that i'll win when i play,
but they haven't responded as yet.
"
"""the fattoush of my girlfriend? oh, my?it
is wonderful; why don't you try it?""
said jamil, and i gasped.
well, how could i have grasped
it's a salad she makes for his diet?
"
"the bollworm will take a great toll
on your cotton crop, eating a hole
in each boll (that's a pod),
and i don't think it odd
that the bugs wouldn't bite heinrich boll.
"
"you needn't feel fear and grow pale,
as this creature is very small-scale.
not a pest like a morpion,
the tiny false scorpion
won't sting?has no stinger or tail.
"
"my momma's high hopes, expectations:
i'll receive many sports acclamations.
i've one medal?to wit?
for the distance i've spit.
i said, ""mom, it's for great expectorations!""
"
"you're in poland, and feeling the urge
for a drug that will cause a good  purge.
though not found near the vistula,
the tree canafistula
yields a drug that makes feces emerge.
"
"bladder campion doesn't inspire
an image we'd likely admire.
this odd name it has rated
with its calyx, inflated.
called silene, it would rate a lot higher.
"
"to emolliate, make someone weak,
irresolute, feeble, and meek.
though your victim may be male,
he'll turn rather female,
but not very sexy or chic.
"
"i to joe, in a reverent tone:
""you smell nice. are you wearing cologne?""
""no, that fragrance, my sweet,
is the smell of my feet.
it's an odor that's solely my own!""
"
"""where se?oras still wear a mantilla
(down in baja) i've heard there may be a
tree where elephants grow.
man, i'll bet they hang low.""
""no, the tree yields a folk panacea.""
"
"when you're snorkeling, you needn't look far.
an anemone, bright as a star?
an audacious actinia?
will stick its barbs in ya.
they look so innoxious. bizarre!
"
"i filch federal funds with impunity.
given prejudice-free, to build unity,
congress votes these resources
for research. mine, of course, is:
getting rich thanks to equal opportunity.
"
"zack is famous for sheer factuality.
his reports never stray from reality.
they're exact, and their actualness
reflects his work's factualness.
truth's essential?not just a formality.
"
"""i'm farklempt?overwhelmed, in a tizzy.
i just met justin bieber!"" cried lizzie.
""i intended to state:
'you're the greatest of great,'
but instead i turned green and got dizzy.""
"
"this machine has controlled respiration,
but it's causing the patient frustration.
since he's breathing quite well
on his own?what the hell?
now's the time to attempt extubation.
"
"ms petula (wahine from kula)
strummed a uke as she danced a cool hula.
""i'm a yalie, an eli,""
she stated. would she lie?
not likely?she sang ""boola boola.""
"
"say it ""fet-id"" or say the word ""feet-id"",
when you stink, with a retch you'll be greeted.
folks will close up their noses
at the smell, one supposes;
don't fart near the place where they're seated.
"
"our new paymaster's powerless, feckless;
half the staff, friday last, went home checkless.
but he's honest, i hear,
and a better cashier
than our last buccaneer, who was reckless.
"
"my ex-wife now resides in a fen
(that's a marsh) where she's hiding from men.
what? she's happy alone
with no mailbox or phone?
hell, i'll never go visit again.
"
"this gazebo i plan to festoon?
drape with flowers?beneath the full moon.
there my sweetheart i'll meet,
and i'll kneel at her feet.
when i beg her to wed me, she'll swoon.
"
"this agency offers a schema
helping people in need.  it would seem a
way to aid when a flood
or a large slide of mud
wrecks a town. yes, i'm speaking of fema.
"
"when we get to the zoo we make bee-lines
for the cheetahs and tigers?the felines,
our favorite mammals?
not llamas, or camels,
or manatees, orcas, or sea-lines.
"
"she seduced me in sexy silk raiment.
it was great; i assumed that our lay meant
shared affection. love's free.
i was taught it should be!
now she's asking a fee; she wants payment.''
"
"contraception is futile for myrtle;
often pregnant, she's famously fertile.
her galapagos trip
made us ask: ""did she flip?""
she returned and gave birth to a turtle.
"
"it's a source-of-my-senator's-boast bill,
but it isn't a backed-coast-to-coast bill.
in the senate, it passed,
but the house was aghast,
so at present it's just an engrossed bill.
"
"bart grows heartsick and cries in his beer?
guess he fears the world's ending is near.
so we try to enhearten
our son-in-law barton.
through the year, we're his source of good cheer..
"
"the soprano danielle (yes!) de niese
sang queen cleo in handel's great piece.
she caused a sensation?
got a standing ovation.
since then, critics' raves just increase.
"
"""any out-of-date style i'd restore? a
type of headgear,"" said cora to nora.
""every day men wore hats.
they looked sexy, and that's
why my dad always wore a fedora.""
"
"raymond's ring reputation is tainted.
with the lingo he's not well acquainted.
when his coach cried, one night,
""ray just feint with your right,""
seems he misunderstood and he fainted.
"
"in first grade, as you sat at your desk, you
maybe learned how to read with a fescue.
teacher's long narrow stick
would have just done the trick.
now computers have come to the rescue.
"
"this is pyrite; it's also called brazzle.
it resembles pure gold, and can dazzle
the uninformed fool?
someone dumb as a mule
and who daydreamed in school. him 'twill frazzle.
"
"my first meeting with rita, at which
i fell madly in love?got the itch
to run after, pursue  her?
made me burning to woo her,
and i did, at red-hot fever pitch.
"
"when he finished my portrait, drawn sketchingly,
tom had vowed he'd engrave the sketch etchingly.
""i will run after sticks
and do other cute tricks
if you show off my charms,"" i said fetchingly.
"
"fertile gerty had babies galore.
every year she gave birth to one more.
we remarked with profundity
on her awesome fecundity
and took bets on when twins were in store.
"
"he was poised and had calmness within,
and a peace prize (nobel) he would win,
but prime minister begin
would curse like a pagan
when anyone called him begin.
"
"when he waked up a-shiverin', john
cried, ""i'm dyin'?my life is near gone!""
he was freezin' in bed
till  his grandmama said,
""your electric-uhl blanket ain't on.""
"
"there are chemical terms that can terrify,
but i now know the verb to esterify.
in our lab, this semester,
we created an ester,
we esterified, yes?prof can verify.
"
"i'm afraid i committed a gaffe,
and it made my new son-in-law laugh.
i had called him a bureaucrat.
he replied: ""you mean eurocrat.
not a robot, i'm top eu staff.""
"
"the word factoid is used different ways.
one meaning's ""a statement or phrase
that's presumably phony.""
another's more tony:
""an interesting fact one might praise.""
"
"nathan's favoredness wasn't too great
in the footrace.  he'd started out late,
but that second rate wimp
won in spite of his limp
'cause the others were worse?it was fate.
"
"my son harry?he works in a farriery,
shoeing horses, and finds that it's barrier-y.
single gals say his smell
doesn't bode very well.
what the hell, they don't see him as marrier-y.
"
"a fashion-monger, poppa's a fop.
in his wardrobe, he's over-the-top.
to be fully in fashion
is our dandy-dad's passion.
we call him our ""popinjay pop.""
"
"dick is fancy-sick  (briefly: in love),
and fatigues us with fine points thereof:
what his lady will wear,
how she dresses her hair,
and (ye gods!) her sweet hand in a glove.
"
"esperanto, a tongue for all nations,
was invented with great expectations,
but didn't succeed.
can it be we've no need
for a plan of such high aspirations?
"
"were the opera rewritten today,
gypsy carmen would slay don jos?.
his incessant possessiveness
would ignite her aggressiveness.
(okay, so it's not m?rim?e!)
"
"""thinking's purely a physical function,""
says my prof without any compunction.
""epiphenomenalism
maintains there's a schism.
awareness? a simple adjunction.""
"
"jean-marie was the night's honoree,
for his work on a new ert
that will bring us some ease.
it will treat a disease
that is spread through our family tree.
"
"grandpa chester is apt to forget,
and he wanders away. gram's upset.
she asked doc, ""are you able
to clip on a label
like the ear tags in use by our vet?""
"
"define esse? i have to confess,
it has caused me a great deal of stress,
though i guess its quintessence
is ""existence"" or ""essence.""
so saying, i'll score a success.
"
"teen-aged abby, my niece, loves to gab,
but she shortens her words.  she says ""fab!""
meaning ""fabulous,"" but
when i grouse at the cut,
she gets crabby and claims i'm too drab.
"
"aloysius is very ambitious;
a yale phd his fond wish is,
but his graduate thesis
has many faked pieces.
his data are phony, factitious.
"
"a fatass: a guy who's obese,
one whose weight always seems to increase.
but the word's impolite;
i'm suggesting you might
call him portly, and leave him in peace.
"
"with the shape of an overturned hull,
they were steel and they shone (never dull!).
they had flaps to guard cheeks,
sometimes visors like beaks?
thus the burgonet covered the skull.
"
"the new teacher is chubby?he's fattish.
his belly sticks out; it's not flattish,
but he hasn't round cheeks.
the guy squeaks when he speaks,
and his snout is quite rodent-like, rattish.
"
"the lady i took to the ball
was just right?not too short, not too tall,
not too young, not too old,
not too shy, not too bold.
she was faultless?no defects at all.
"
"when i don't serve this fish, marty's snarling:
the eperlan (sperling, or sparling).
this smelt, european,
is famous for bein'
elite, not plebeian. it's darling.
"
"my ma give dis moniker?john?'uh me,
but it ain't what duh swells call eponymy.
duh w.c.
weren't named after me?
dat's a myth dat my sistuh hung on 'uh me.
"
"the new lion they got at the zoo
is so wild, they don't know what to do.
he's so savage (ferocious),
his conduct's atrocious.
in a way, he reminds me of you.
"
"my unease with geology's chronic;
in the lab, i feel lost and moronic.
diastrophism must
be about the earth's crust,
but i'm baffled by matters tectonic.
"
"it's the septum that's found in the land snail?
the epiphragm?part of this grand snail
that prevents desiccation
through the snail's hibernation.
you'll find it, some day, in your canned snail.
"
"once again jen goes out to the fen
(that's a marsh), with her pad and her pen,
to write limericks, thinking
she'd best not be sinking
in quicksand?she does, now and then.
"
"first his guest-worker permit expired.
when his firm found that out, he was fired.
his intended then fled
from his flat and he said:
""that's enough, i'm fed up?sick and tired.""
"
"henry's ""hurrying"" gait?festination?
is bringing him utter frustration.
it appears he may fall,
or at least hit a wall.
yes, it's parkinson's. that's the causation.
"
"said the senator's pregnant young doxy:
""this glue's made from resin?epoxy.
will it mend my smashed life?
send me cash, or your wife
will behold me on fox, full of moxie!""
"
"with age, zeke grows feeble?yes, weak?
not at all as he was at his peak.
he no longer lifts weights,
and the women he dates
say his joints are so fragile they squeak.
"
"""spotted cat,"" breeders say, ""take a bow!
you're four thousand years old as of now.
you've been painted on walls
of egyptian tomb halls!""
and the mau smiles and answers: ""meow.""
"
"first cut chicken that's raw, then cut chives.
salmonella may thrive on your knives,
and the microbes' migration
brings cross-contamination.
better hope that each diner survives.
"
"as we drift to the west, i could strangle
our captain. in ongoing wrangle,
i shout myself hoarse
as we're blown more off course?
and our drift angle grows as we tangle.
"
"at first it seemed magic, mythology,
but the advent of modern technology
lets a specialist treat us
while we're still just a fetus.
that miracle's known as fetology.
"
"my sister-in-law, who's a dreamer,
sought a swain on a trip on a steamer.
then she slipped on the deck,
not quite breaking her neck,
but she fractured her thighbone?her femur.
"
"in romance vinnie has an affinity
for gals with extreme femininity,
but the more they are girlish,
the more he acts churlish?
his notion of true masculinity.
"
"""europeanize every last native!""
the reason? they're too procreative:
""it's that day-and-night screwing
that impedes wealth-accruing!""
the economist's words were probative.
"
"a face shield, you'll surely agree,
can protect you from flying debris.
there are all kinds of articles,
small fragments, and particles,
that are harmful to faces, like scree.
"
"his interest, he said, was artistic,
but in fact it turned out fetishistic.
what's it like to discover
of my feet he's a lover?
well, i howled and i wailed?went ballistic.
"
"""what's that brand-new prescription you've got?""
""it's dronabinol, something like pot.
it is pure thc
in a pill. i won't be
getting high, because pot it is not!""
"
"some cells have what's known as cell junctions
between them. we've need of their functions.
cells communicate through
these small regions so you
can survive without any compunctions.
"
"a story i heard from my doc:
though allergic, this guy was a jock.
he wasn't expectin'
release of cachectin;
his allergy caused toxic shock.
"
"i love lucy came on with a bang;
fred and ethel were part of the gang,
and as ricky would drum
till his fingers were numb,
""babaloo"" was the song that he sang.
"
"the click beetle, placed on his back,
won't relax and recline.  he's a knack
for performing a flip;
he's as smart as a whip.
when he does it, we hear a click-clack.
"
"to this genus of germ?escherichia:
by mistake i, last week, took a lick o' ya.
now my gut's tied in knots
and i've bowel movements?lots.
just begone from my paunch, bug. i'm sick o' ya!
"
"through the whole of the freshman semester,
lester pestered my best buddy hester.
then she called him a heel,
which hurt les a great deal,
and the wound wouldn't heal?only fester.
"
"""this african land's a utopia,""
say people who love ethiopia.
the rose (but not zinnia)
from old abyssinia
is part of its grand cornucopia.
"
"if you're planning to serve your friends hash,
with strong spices you'll have to bedash
all the mash in your dish,
lest your visitors wish
you had stashed all that mush in the trash.
"
"when i visit the candidate's rally, i
rouse folks who attend to back sally. i
make speeches that sway
the whole crowd. in that way,
i get votes from the seniors, et alii.
"
"""you've got agminated glands."" i felt looped
when my doc said those words, and i drooped.
""if they're massed in my bowel,
should i throw in the towel?""
""no, the word merely means that they're grouped.""
"
"chalcostigma: this hummingbird's got
a prominent bronze-colored spot,
and it also is born
with a bill like a thorn?
thus we call it the thornbill. why not?
"
"where's amasia today? western asia?
asia minor?i guess that won't faze ya.
there strabo the sage
lived from birth to old age?
that established, his name won't amaze ya.
"
"it's a fairy story? no, it's the truth.
i have known this fair lass since my youth.
though you find us in bed,
it's not sex, as i've said:
she's the tooth fairy, buying my tooth.
"
"the word debitor?  once it meant ""debtor,""
in the old days, when many a fetter
graced the ankles of guys
who had been so unwise
as to wager and lose as a bettor.
"
"auguste comte looked at life through a prism?
his philosophy, positivism?
to describe hist'ry's phases.
though some sang his praises,
'tween comtists and church was a schism.
"
"who was ida, my date? an outsider.
all night i kept trying to hide 'er.
my reaction was visceral;
her face was cheliceral?
she looked like a black widow spider.
"
"""who's the guy on the silver medallion?""
""he's a duke's condottiere?italian.
this alarming old charmer
led soldiers in armor
right into harm's way on a stallion!""
"
"the congius (old liquid measure)
may be used at a pharmacist's pleasure;
and an old ancient roman
might have favored his bowman
with a congiary. drink it at leisure!
"
"if ever you visit benin,
be sure that you try the cuisine.
cotonou?that's the scene?
it's located between
a blue sea and a landscape of green.
"
"guess it's not a good bet for a pet,
but a creature you'll never forget.
though its colors are bright,
its weird form causes fright.
it's a dragonlike fish: dragonet.
"
"certain camerapeople won't stop;
they'll keep filming events till they drop.
like rude paparazzi
at mahatmas' palazzi,
they're hoping a bigshot will flop.
"
"blood that oozed from the circumflex vein
in my thigh forms a bruise. i complain:
""fare thee well my bikini;
not even houdini
could escape that grotesque purple stain!""
"
"having asked for a ruling, i'm tense.
""maybe yes, maybe no,"" they commence.
i've got fence-sitter judges
and none of them budges,
as the bench seems to be on the fence.
"
"amnioscopy, one would assume,
will allow us (with lenses that zoom)
to encounter the face
of the kid we'll embrace
when it finally vacates the womb.
"
"my poor horse has a sore fetlock joint.
it's the place i'm about to anoint
with some gel, rubbed in well,
'cause it's starting to swell.
having pets can be hell (case in point).
"
"though we're born from a uterine sac,
to its warmth we can never go back.
to look in, amnioscopy?
also known as fetoscopy.
(use a light, as inside it's pitch-black.)
"
"said the swell, but tall-tale-telling fellow:
""wow! that bird has brown eyes, and not yellow.
it's a male dark-eyed junco,
intoning?no bunko?
a solo from verdi's otello.""
"
"the result of my earnest observancy?
i believe steve reveals growing fervency
in his efforts to save
our town's beaches. i gave
to support his new seashore conservancy.
"
"""ms bird's striking figure, drawn curvedly,
as i sketched, made me drool unreservedly.
my burgeoning passion,
as i worked in this fashion,
led to several wet smocks,"" said tom fervidly.
"
"mythic fenrir, wild wolf of the norse,
is described in a very old source
that's both grim and esthetic:
eddas (prose and poetic).
there he's known for his fierceness and force.
"
"while debating, kate spoke very graciously,
but stuck to her thesis tenaciously.
it didn't take long
till we found she was wrong;
she'd expounded her sources fallaciously.
"
"to my fans, i admit my indebtedness;
to my failure they've brought a regrettedness.
but my broadway career's
disappeared?no more cheers.
it's gone foul, with malodorous fetidness.
"
"these bacteria, suited genetically,
can make substances  chemosynthetically.
on the ocean's deep floor
they form glucose and more,
using hydrogen gas energetically.
"
"here i write about farber's disease,
a condition a doc seldom sees.
in babies, postnatal,
it's most often fatal,
in spite of the doc's expertise.
"
"not a broker, a baker or barber,
the harvard professor sid farber
(whose studies found answers
that helped kids with cancers)
was to parents and kids a safe harbor.
"
"if your gullet is sore and inflamed,
you've got pain from an ailment that's  named
esophagitis?what's more,
acid reflux galore?
but with meds your complaint can be tamed.
"
"deer and doe?they are sometimes old-fashioned.
in their contact, romance can be rationed,
but in estrus, a cervid
and her mate become fervid:
inflamed and hot-blooded, impassioned.
"
"in his memoir, sam tends to fantasticate.
rigid truths he will soften?elasticate.
though a drop-out, his spin
on the facts is: ""i've been
to a jesuit school?a scholasticate.""
"
"who would want a fat body? not me!
but my insect friends wouldn't agree.
it's reserve in a blight,
and it sometimes makes light.
it's as prized as an organ can be.
"
"""our great fete will be fun?also daffy,""
laughed our affable teacher ms jaffe.
""it's a grand candy pulling.
of course i'm not bulling;
we'll love making heavenly taffy.""
"
"""with a compound i've mixed that's arrhenic,
my experiment's goal is eugenic.
i'll improve human genes
and the race by this means.""
""you're delusional, daft, schizophrenic!""
"
"look at us! we're half goat and half man.
in old rome, we had many a fan.
ancient artists have drawn us;
we serve the god faunus.
(in greece, people knew him as pan.)
"
"i replied: ""our front yards are combinable.
one large garden? such space is definable.
it would add class and tone,
and the plans can be shown;
it's delineable, yes, it's designable""
"
"the infection? it wasn't exotic;
the rye had a fungus (ergotic).
this awful disease
poisoned folk with great ease,
and the farmer?poor guy?went psychotic.
"
"who's companionate? marcus antonius
and queen cleopatra, harmonious
in companionship?friends
till they met dreadful ends,
or was old man suetonius erroneous?
"
"though it only has twenty-eight days,
it's the month in which fortitude frays.
all our fingers and toes 'n'
our noses are frozen.
for spring, every one of us prays.

what? you're miffed by my very first line?
so upset that you whimper and whine?
i'm aware?have no fears?
once in every four years
little february's got twenty-nine.
"
"once he said he could ""drink up a river.""
now they say ray has got fatty liver.
he'll go on to fibrosis,
and perhaps get cirrhosis.
what's the chance that he'll stop? just a sliver.
"
"ken contends his new friend's erinaceous
(like a hedgehog). does that mean ""voracious""?
""one who grabs things and tugs""
or ""an eater of bugs""
or ""vexatious""? all four? goodness gracious!
"
"the liquid's so hot, you may yelp?
this clear broth made from fish and from kelp.
while consuming this dashi,
you needn't use hashi;
your chopsticks, dear gaijin, won't help!
"
"out in ghana, so far, far away, names
are given?we know them as day names.
as kwame nkrumah
remarked with good humor,
""i'm saturday?these are okay names.""
"
"the coelenterate sure packs a wallop.
it begins its odd life as a polyp,
which, in turn, will let loose a
free-swimming medusa
who covers more ground than a scallop.
"
"back in newfoundland, dad would amuse
all my friends?both the christians and jews?
with this dish: fish and brewis
(as pronounced by one jewess).
by the rest it was called fish and brewis.
"
"see my fingers curled tight? that's a fist;
it's a weapon, right here on my wrist.
see that kid? stole my lunch,
so i'll throw him a punch.
how'd i get on my back? guess i missed.
"
"this offer is final, my last,
and the time for more haggling has passed.
i have quoted a price
that i think is quite nice,
and the die (as said caesar) is cast.
"
"dale's excuse?that cocaine was available?
was a folly he thought unassailable,
but this stimulant user
could  have been a refuser
if he'd thought the drug ex-, not inhalable.
"
"as a joker, joe stoker was proud.
""on my bike trips, i please a great crowd
with a ludicrous song?
sometimes jaunts are quite long,""
he said farcically, joshing aloud.
"
"to define the term emissary vein,
trace the blood as it exits the brain.
from the sinus it flows;
through the skull it then goes.
that's the way that our brains really drain.
"
"we've entered the new transatlantic
hunting dog show.  first prize is gigantic!
to prepare, we've worked feverishly?
and golden retriever-ishly?
so my husband and dog are both frantic.
"
"to my teacher i answered emphatically,
""on class projects, we work democratically.
from our speeded-up actions
come deep satisfactions;
it's teamwork that acts enzymatically.""
"
"exophthalmus? a word for the wise?
those who know that it means ""bulging eyes.""
it's a word you'll be dropping
when you see my eyes popping;
my thyroid's diseased, you'll surmise.
"
"i'm concerned. our fertility rate
continues each year to abate.
tribal elders now warn:
if few babies are born.
then extinction may well be our fate.
"
"i've acquired a new partner who's nifty:
she's experienced, honest and thrifty,
with both wisdom and wit.
all our profits we'll split?
the arrangement seems fit?fifty-fifty.
"
"though immersions each day kept him clean,
life was tough for an ancient essene.
he practiced asceticism,
not macho athleticism,
and ate a restricted cuisine.
"
"when they started, her leg pains were hemeral.
every evening the nerves known as femoral
would shoot pains to her feet
and she'd fall from her seat.
now they come day and night?they're nychthemeral.
"
"extrasensory power dispenses
perception beyond normal senses.
you can't see and can't hear
with your eye or your ear
what i grasp; thus i pierce your pretenses.
"
"take a partner? well, first have him screened.
is he clean? has the law intervened
in his business affairs?
it's important one cares;
want a  savage, a monster, a fiend?
"
"my son sean is a convict, a felon;
sure, 'twas dangerous drugs he was sellin'.
i said, ""don't be a failure.
write some tales while in jail; yer
good at writin', inventin', and spellin'.""
"
"call when something goes wrong with your car;
aaa will arrive where you are,
but by calling aa
you will intimate they
should be looking for you in a bar.
"
"to fangle's to ""make"" or to ""fashion,""
a job one may sometimes make cash in.
that's when fangle's a verb,
so i'd never disturb
someone fangling (inventing) with passion.
"
"babylonian gods, and assyrian,
and akkadian (also sumerian)
may be scary and spooky;
those labelled enuki
are princes?that's one set criterion.
"
"thought a promising guy when first hired,
after only five months sy was fired.
he'd been found with a floozy
in his boss's jacuzzi.
why no job? he'd reply: ""i've retired.""
"
"he's a gambler, plays cards with his cronies,
who are wastrels, and braggarts, and phonies,
but she loves him?no matter
his cheeks are a splatter
of blackheads?that's right!?comedones.
"
"""this stuff's chondroid,"" said lloyd, ""cartilaginous!
you insist it is bone? that's imaginous,
a miscalculation.
no calcification!
your argument's twisted, ambaginous!""
"
"sir gawain bought some britches of cordwain
from wayne's market, and said, ""i'm so bored, wayne!""
""sire, this skin, i insist,
no young wench can resist!""
""then i'll give you my sword as reward, wayne.""
"
"he's a terrible stickler, my spouse.
when there's anything messy, he'll grouse.
though outside he's unknown?
just a colorless drone?
he's count palatine here in our house.
"
"two cowpers, each william?how grand!
one a bard, one a surgeon whose hand,
while dissecting the penis,
unearthed (just between us)
what aptly is called cowper's gland.
"
"in texas, a young armadillo
encountered a large coyotillo
with berries, bright black,
that looked good for a snack.
now he's buried outside amarillo.
"
"said a classical deejay named herschel,
""this sonata by mozart?it's k?chel...""
but he couldn't recall
the right number at all,
so he blurted out, ""first, a commercial.""
"
"in your bowels these bacilli may strut.
most reside there quite peacefully, but
there are times there may be a
severe diarrhea
when e. coli inhabit your gut.
"
"we're too proud?thus our elders berate us.
'cause we seek recognition, they hate us.
once our service is done,
back to farms we must run,
and be modest, like lou cincinnatus.
"
"my pal hal? he explores the azores,
where he sometimes will guide us on tours.
now he lives on faial;
it's a scenic locale.
he adores the  dramatic outdoors.
"
"our estrogens, formed in the ovary,
make us feminine. thus madame bovary
gained fame?also shame?
were her hormones to blame?
she sought lovers to render life clovery.
"
"""draw a map of the old fertile crescent,""
said ms best to the preadolescent.
day-glow lime was his nile;
the euphrates? same style,
and the desert was yellow, fluorescent.
"
"equivocalness is confusing.
it's vagueness an author is choosing,
so his words are misleading.
when his method's succeeding,
he may judge the result is amusing.
"
"""i am seventy-nine,"" declared katie,
""but my age doesn't seem at all weighty.
you ask why i feel youthful?
because, to be truthful,
my beau's a year older: he's eighty!""
"
"before going on summer vacation,
we attended our son's graduation.
the exercises, boring,
caused audible snoring,
but when ending, a standing ovation.
"
"you might like to use this sharp sword
if you fight for a lavish reward,
but if back to the wall, shun
this weapon, the falchion.
use statecraft to reach an accord.
"
"my grandma's cold-blooded, so ruthless
that i'm glad she is aged and toothless.
soon she'll meet her demise,
but she'll keep telling lies.
till the day that she dies, she'll be truthless.
"
"the sleeping pill known as estazolam
makes us drowsy, and so does triazolam,
but to put out a horse?
use an iv of course;
try the benzo the vets use?climazolam.
"
"""with your decolletage, there's an issue:
too much breast is exposed, so i wish you
would allow mom to add
a small shawl,"" declared dad.
""of fine silk she will make you a fichu.""
"
"""checking programs!"" called lew, the commuter,
""checking programs! a western? a shooter?""
cried his kid, but in vain.
not for tv nor train,
checking programs improve your computer.
"
"let's consider the fetal circulation,
a convenient and clever creation.
blood, from red to magenta,
runs through the placenta,
sustaining your child's maturation.
"
"apospory's useful in botany,
though for me, it's pure boredom?monotony.
plants that don't need haplosis,
do not have  meiosis.
guess they ought to have spores.  have they got any?
"
"as a gift for my wife, i invested
in a coat of arms; soon we'll be crested.
i requested a blossom
and swan or opossum.
a cuckooflower's what was suggested.
"
"my sweet sister insists she finds bliss
smooching spiders. this claim i dismiss,
and i'd gladly eviscerate
any beast that's chelicerate,
and with mouthpart claws gives sis a kiss.
"
"when my son i decided to fatten,
i served all his entrees au gratin.
the calories added
left his abdomen padded
and lipids in need of a statin.
"
"your thesis associationistic
is a theory that's not realistic,
claiming feeling and thinking
are caused by the linking
of mental states. my, how simplistic!
"
"""though you now weigh one hundred and eight,
you'll be gaining a great deal of weight.
you'll grow wider and bigger,""
said the psychic, with vigor,
expansively reading my fate.
"
"folks complain you're unduly aggressive
in your sales; your coercion's excessive.
you insist people buy
high-priced goods. guess that's why
your success (says our boss) is impressive.
"
"jim approached his first date with timidity,
but he soon fell in love, with fervidlty
(with burning intensity).
his virgin propensity
was to ask her to wed?with rapidity.
"
"by refusing to give a recital,
bridey's shirking a role that is vital
in our drive to raise moneys
for our cause?""save the bunnies.""
we keep trying to coax her: we cuittle.
"
"in tallinn's emergency clinic,
there's this doc who to me seems a cynic.
his suggestions sound chthonian
as he speaks in estonian?
a tongue of this type:  baltic-finnic.
"
"these trash bags have biodegradability,
but might that bring added fragility?
making bags we presume
friendly germs will consume,
we must also conserve versatility.
"
"i awoke freezing cold, had a chill,
then felt hot (had a fever), felt ill.
i surmised it was flu,
and my wife thought so too.
get a flu shot next year? yes, i will.
"
"cousin lew took one look and then swooned;
an exutory oozed from his wound?
liquid discharge?an issue
from twisted torn tissue.
his chest was completely festooned.
"
"in my system, though some find it comic,
the chemical (not the atomic)
compositions of creatures
are their salient features.
my labels are chemotaxonomic.
"
"""i'm a rancher from texas,"" said stan.
""feed my cattle the best that i can.
now i've found feterita?
my cows find it sweeter?
it's sorghum that comes from sudan.""
"
"in her externship, faye was an aide;
many valuable traits she displayed.
though she'd earned her degree,
she was working for free;
by the industry faye wasn't paid.
"
"dan displays an intense asiaticism;
he's a fan of kabuki's dramaticism.
this great passion, i deem,
is a trifle extreme.
it approaches, it seems, true fanaticism.
"
"what's faucal relates to your fauces?
the place where your salads and sauces
tend to slide from your mouth
to your gullet (due south),
where your food through your breathing-stream crosses.
"
"the coccolith, wee algal plate,
seems feeble, but helped to create
a seabed (cretaceous)
over acreage spacious,
forming limestone?a laudable trait!
"
"bertha's bosoms made breast milk superiorly,
though they barely protruded anteriorly?
that is, outwardly stuck.
that was bertha's good luck;
she felt bottles fed babies inferiorly.
"
"here's a nice piece of wood you can whittle,
but don't let it dry because it'll
be easy to break,
so whatever you make
will just crumble or flake. 'twill embrittle.
"
"if you falsify something, you cheat?
a dishonest and dastardly feat.
though at times advantageous,
such behavior's outrageous.
find more  principled ways to compete!
"
"when elsewhither eleanor goes,
where she's heading for, nobody knows.
""any place that's not here,""
she'd explained, but we fear
it's a place in which cannabis grows.
"
"euterpe is graceful and cute.
she's portrayed as a beaut with a flute.
of music, the muse,
from bach to the blues,
she can play massenet on the lute.
"
"muse of poetry, sexy erato
wrote a song for a handsome castrato,
which she played on her lyre.
she had hoped to inspire
a performance with harp obbligato.
"
"when i entered the room, he was dialing
9-1-1.  i asked why.  ""my wife's eyling.
she had started to choke?
may be having a stroke.""
""that's no joke,"" i said. ""how come you're smiling?""
"
"let us carol with joy?exultation?
'cause i've found a brand-new occupation.
i no longer turn tricks
like the other hot chicks.
i'm a preacher; i peddle salvation.
"
"excessive agglutinability
impairs herman's sperms?their agility.
when sperms start to clump
they form many a lump.
low motility lessens fertility
"
"was there ever a papal decretal
on dytiscidae (viz. water beetle)?
in its youth, each bug revels,
so they're called water devils.
that's an awfully good topic retreatal.
"
"environmentalism makes contributions
in the fight against toxic pollutions.
using modern computers
we catch big polluters,
and sometimes achieve prosecutions.
"
"we're a product of genes, not parentalism
or culture. i spurn environmentalism.
i say nature, not nurture,
will make one a searcher?
inclined to explore transcendentalism.
"
"we complain that school's hard back in kitly.
as is suitable, kit answers fitly,
but her comment's not pretty.
""enough of self-pity!
in the bronx it's much worse,"" she says. ""whitly!""
"
"east timor?  few reach it by dry land.
tourists find, when they fly there from thailand,
they can see the pacific.
its climate's terrific.
how i wish that this island were my land.
"
"when it's mendelssohn's music i crave,
fingal's cave is my absolute fave.
after visiting scotland
(his like-it-a-lot land),
he composed this and made critics rave.
"
"when pregnant, young minnie mcgivver
takes her meals at o'neil's by the river.
why this dingy caf?
more than twelve miles away?
it's the sign they display: ""we deliver.""
"
"a fissure's a long skinny crack,
in a rock or an old railroad track,
or it's anal or rectal
(caused by whack or projectile?),
or a cleft in the wall of your shack.
"
"it was trendy and hot, not a cold bill,
and, by many, a warmly extolled bill
that both senate and house
had been glad to espouse?
now it's recently passed, an enrolled bill.
"
"way back at an earlier date,
you could ship several fangots of freight.
there'd be bundles of  silk
and goods of that ilk,
each requiring a rather large crate.
"
"though he hiked and was stung by a nettle,
my new boyfriend arrived in fine fettle,
feeling healthy and fit.
with my dad he's a hit;
mom is hoping nearby we will settle.
"
"on ms singer's exam was a zinger:
""please define this short phrase: chicken finger.""
every classmate sure knows
on their feet hens have toes?
it's a snack one might serve with a stinger.
"
"joe stared fixedly, fully engrossed,
deaf to questions proposed by his host,
who addressed his pale guest
asking why he was stressed,
as he seemed to be seeing a ghost.
"
"we need cash, but have stuff we can't sell,
like the beds in our failing motel
in the town of manhasset.
every bed's a fixed asset,
and each bureau and bookcase as well.
"
"unaroused by the girls he has dated,
he says, ""dating is much overrated.
from gibraltar to guam,
there is no one like mom.""
tom is certainly mother-fixated.
"
"you're receiving a dire diagnosis:
your doc says ""it's fasciolosis.""
you feel more than annoyed,
'cause your liver's destroyed.
it's enough to bring on a neurosis.
"
"we attended our son's graduations
at five different college locations.
we'd prepared for success
every time, as you'd guess.
yes, we always had great expectations.
"
"eurocommunists often were screeders.
of marxist world views they were breeders,
but said ""nyet!?"" to a czar
in the u.s.s.r.?
didn't follow the soviet leaders.
"
"to forgive me, miss susie's refusing.
though i erred, there are factors excusing
(i would call them extenuating
as my guilt they're attenuating):
my snorting cocaine and my boozing.
"
"rate my date? i was very observant.
as a lover minerva was fervent?
yes, in bed she was zealous,
but sullen and jealous.
i enjoyed better sex with her servant.
"
"two fists meeting knuckle to knuckle,
the lads' fist bumps had made us all chuckle.
every team did the same
at the end of each game?
not a handshake or kiss that is buccal.
"
"my grandmother's words were prophetic:
""the pace of your life is frenetic;
soon you'll drink till you puke.""
i recall her rebuke;
i take emetrol (antiemetic).
"
"the sultan, denounced, asked resultantly:
""advise me, vizier; act consultantly.""
said his aide with a groan:
""sire, you've been overthrown.""
""that suits me!"" cried the monarch exultantly.
"
"a professor once wrote in his journal:
""i've the secret of life eviternal.
don't expect my demise.
you'll receive a surprise:
i stay youthful and vigorous, vernal.""
"
"soaring blood pressure caused ben's suspension,
then a large disability pension.
to stay idle and wealthy,
he can't get too healthy.
for ben, it's essential hypertension.
"
"celtic goddess epona has rules;
faithful followers sometimes seem fools.
when you pray, it's okay
to both whinny and bray.
(she is patron of horses and mules.)
"
"les, the pest-control guy, gives a sermon
called ""ridding one's dwelling of vermin,""
and his words i enjoy,
as instead of destroy
he employs the archaic extermine.
"
"swedish meatballs? i love them, of course.
what? they're made not of beef, but of horse?
i thought horsemeat was banned.
i object, i demand:
common market, i want a divorce!
"
"i have painted two portraits in secco,
in a spirit that echoes art deco.
one's a moth, small and sweet;
one has large-toed big feet.
both called fanfoot, the latter's a gecko.
"
"we'd played doctor since we were both three?
lee and me.  he'd say, ""which will you be?""
but sooner or later
to his wishes i'd cater:
lee examinator, me examinee.
"
"""agglutinable,"" thundered the grump.
""can't define it; i feel like a chump.
i need help; this word's tough.""
""it describes any stuff,""
i say gruffly, ""that's able to clump.""
"
"my glance upward was first accidental,
then i noticed the stars. firmamental?
in the vault of the sky?
they sang: ""heaven's nearby,""
in chorus harmonic and gentle.
"
"you've seen willows that seem to be weeping,
and employed willow brooms when you're sweeping,
but for ground cover, try
salix repens. here's why:
it is reptant?this willow is creeping.
"
"the sweet-sounding name falcon-gentle
can make me feel soft, sentimental,
but this raptor kills birds!
i get fooled by some words?
seems her tender name's just accidental.
"
"""if you're eager to swim in these pools,
you're obliged to obey my three rules:
firstly, second, and thirdly,""
cried the lifeguard absurdly,
""no diving, no glass, no damned fools!""
"
"a comparatist learns from comparison.
she compares bugle signal with warison.
the latter, from french,
might be heard in a trench,
to signal assault on a garrison.
"
"the government causes much pain
with the usage of eminent domain:
seizing land from the folks
when a sale they can't coax.
""it's for all of our good,"" they explain.
"
"""i am salesgirl-of-luggage obsessed;
can you help keep my feelings suppressed?""
""to seem chaste as a monk
keep your gaze on a trunk.""
""sure?i'll fixate my eyes on her chest.""
"
"her north african dig (bulla regia)
was described in my wife's florilegia:
seems her boss had a stroke:
right arm weakened, poor bloke,
left face too. it's a crossed hemiplegia.
"
"amoebas, i'd say, are fissiparous;
in a sense they're what's called gemelliparous
'cause they just split in half
procreating.  you'd laugh
if i claimed that these cells were multiparous.
"
"in the thames or the hudson or rhine,
when fishing  one must have a line
for one's anglng success?
so piscators profess.
""hi! i'm guy.  fish here often?"" is mine.
"
"have you heard tenor michael fabiano
from new jersey (for me a paisano)?
we met this musician
in the film the audition.
now he sings at la scala, milano.
"
"when her boyfriend called jane exterraneous,
her reaction was prompt and spontaneous:
""you believe i've no worth!""
""no!"" he said. ""you're from perth.
i mean 'foreign,' my love, not extraneous!""
"
"in italy lived a fascista,
a fascist, like spain's falangista.
in another arena?
peron's argentina?
such a man would be called peronista.
"
"when our doctor asked, ""please, do you know some
kids who've got  erythema infectiosum
(also called fifth disease)?
if each parent agrees,
i'll take photos. to students i'll show some.
"
"brooke's a crook?lost her way, gone astray.
now she'd dead; she's a felo-de-se.
life's so dreary (my theory)
she chose hara kiri.
like her mom always said, ""crime don't pay!""
"
"""photosynthesis,"" said our guide, clark,
""takes place in these fever trees' bark.
they'll be spied on a romp
through an african swamp,
though not easily seen in the dark.""
"
"my mother employed cio
so in time all her kids learned to go
right to sleep. there's no doubt,
she opined cry it out
was effective, although it caused woe.
"
"'cause my mom is an extraterrestrial,
her english is oddly-exprestrial.
on her distant home planet,
this habit beganet,
and i fear it's genetic, ancestrial.
"
"it's a term for a whimsical lover
who may follow you round and may hover.
a fancymonger:  swain
who indifference might feign,
but whose amorous aims you'll discover.
"
"let's consider the genus cajanus.
though line 1 rhymes with penis  and anus,
it is speaking of shrubs
that the average man snubs.
not alluring like venus, they've plainness.
"
"ms ren?e of the salem ballet
is addicted to dance. people say:
""has anyone seen a
more hooked ballerina?
she's found at the barre every day!""
"
"what's a fishwife? a woman who's loud;
with a deafening voice she's endowed,
and she's coarse?makes you wish
she was just selling fish.
she'd be less apt to make you feel cowed.
"
"my favorite shop was now shut,
out of business?its life had been cut.
the door's sign, i was wishing,
might have said ""we've gone fishing!""
""out for trout"" would have calmed down my gut.
"
"an etoile's something shaped like a star,
but two definitions there are,
as it means ""a regina
of dance: ballerina.""
(etoile is more artsy by far.)
"
"i believe, as i'm sure you'll have guessed,
that what's euro-american's best.
eastern concepts are fine
(though they're different from mine),
but we're blessed with noblesse in the west.
"
"what the coroner said was disclosive:
seems the poison i'd used was corrosive.
it had rotted todd's gut
from his mouth to his butt.
guess i just should have used an explosive.
"
"f.j. gall owes us all an apology
'cause he claimed, through his method (phrenology):
""personality's read
via bumps on one's head.""
cranioscopy? nonsense biology.
"
"the amerind chief (potawatomi)
saw a surgeon who said, ""esophagotomy:
i'll incise your esophagus;
you'll avoid a sarcophagus,
and your tribe will, i hope, think a lot o' me!""
"
"by my neighbor, i'm asked to define
clearer boundaries 'tween his space and mine.
since he says, ""please speak sweetly
but not obsoletely,""
i'll delineate bounds, not deline.
"
"""to make farfel,"" explained celia's nieces,
""take a hard food and break it in pieces.
whether matzo or noodles,
of bits you'll have oodles.""
it's one of her nieces' caprices.
"
"on the scan of my neck, lottie spotted
the vessel in which blood had clotted.
this artery fed
the left side of my head,
and is called the external carotid.
"
"while translating an old dead sea scroll?
ancient manuscript furled in a roll?
joel formed the idea
that it came from korea
when he came on a word that meant soul.
"
"in times square the large crowd is a mixture,
but this hobo stands out as a fixture.
though his skin's rough and scaly,
he panhandles daily,
and so gaily, i'm snapping his pixture.
"
"i am now a decided believer
that this term is an awful deceiver.
it goes on as it pleases
to name two diseases,
so who has got which famine fever?
"
"the fantasist's final fantasia
was played round the world. in malaysia
it was panned by one critic,
who called it ""bromidic,""
while another advised euthanasia.
"
"this green, glossy shrub simply peeves me.
its common name clearly deceives me.
chinese pea tree? a tree
on which chinese folk pee?
(neither mother nor father believes me.)
"
"mom and dad came from tokyo, so we say
that born here we can call ourselves nissei.
when they came to this nation,
the first generation
(from the japanese tongue) were called issei.
"
"i asked mother to get a cornetfish
to improve the collection of pet fish
in my two large aquaria.
she replied: ""fistularia?
much too long! here's some cash, but forget fish!""
"
"about drama dwight white is a writer,
and for tickets he's often a fighter.
first performances are
the guy's preference by far,
so he struggles to be a first-nighter.
"
"when he won, chris came up with a fist pump?
a ""what bliss! i'm so proud to exist!"" pump?
up and down. i insist
it was hard to resist
joining chris in his arm, hand and wrist pump.
"
"for my camera, a new fisheye lens
cost a hundred?a c-note, ten tens,
but the photos i took
had a weird, twisted look.
""my mercedes,"" i cried, ""has the bends!""
"
"as as rule, i don't like to get near
to a friend's hooks and lines?fishing gear,
as i'm sure to get tangled,
and mangled?half-strangled.
i fear that our buddies will sneer.
"
"the word firstling's a term that's assigned
to a thing that's the first of its kind:
the first fawn to appear,
the first lamb, the first deer,
the first thought on what weighs on your mind.
"
"peasants' lives, when lived under feudality,
bred a different idea of normality:
as the lowly-placed  serf
worked the manor lord's turf,
he developed a strong slave mentality.
"
"define fisheye? i'll be expeditious:
it's a look that's unfriendly, suspicious.
it's a lens that is for
seeing who's at your door,
and when plural, dessert that's delicious.
"
"my fishnet i use to catch trout.
it helps scoop them, so why do i pout?
fish don't bite at these sites
when i wear fishnet tights;
guess my sexy attire freaks them out.
"
"when a chef wants to make fish and chips,
fishy strips in fresh batter he dips.
then he fries them in fat
with cut spuds?think of that?
and be careful you don't burn your lips!
"
"what's fanlike resembles a fan?
not a rooter, a team-loving man,
but a halibut fin
or your cards, playing gin,
or, when folded, my curved omelet pan.
"
"especial's a word that's terrific.
one meaning's ""peculiar, specific.""
another that's quotable
is ""famous"" or ""notable.""
definitions, it seems, are prolific.
"
"she finds posers like this real humdingers:
""is it true? can we eat fish's fingers?
since their fins have no digits...""
that's a problem of bridget's?
over fatuous puzzles she lingers.
"
"pain's sharp, like the sting of an adder,
and each pang makes me madder and madder.
there's a cholelith tucked
in my cholecystic duct,
and i can't move it into the bladder.
"
"consider this trematode worm.
what? his cirrhus is showing? i'm firm!
i'll accuse him by name:
""james, for shame! you're to blame!
your indecent display makes me squirm!""
"
"the great cicero won lots of praise
for orations that used to amaze
all the people of roma.
when you travel from home, a
cicerone's a guide nowadays.
"
"the characid fish my son gets
are all kept in his fish tank as pets,
like the bright neon tetra,
etc., etc.
shall we start an aquarium? let's!
"
"""this vaccine is created quadrivalently?
four virus types used, unambivalently.
it's as good as what you
have been using for flu!""
""sure they're both good,"" replied tom equivalently.
"
"it's a naturally formed diuretic?
chelidonium?not a synthetic,
but it's toxic.  take care.
if you're brave and you dare
to consume some, you'll find it emetic.
"
"he was talented?christian dior.
he conceived the ""new look,"" and what's more,
his creations were worn
by the famed and well-born.
now his name adorns products galore.
"
"""what is chi?"" i inquire.  you reply,
""it's the letter, in greek, after phi;
or chinese it might be?
as i practice tai chi
with my sweetheart of old sigma chi.""
"
"in your belly, you've got one, you know, mitt,
where your guts slide around to and fro, mitt.
bowels move food, helping gravity,
kept safe by this cavity.
high life-forms, like us, are coelomate.
"
"when he wed, red?a popular radish?
grew blue, and he said ""i feel saddish.
since i'm bluish, not reddish,
my fan base is deadish.
can a radish who's bluish be faddish?""
"
"the website sue's choosing to use
is confusing?gives very few clues.
she needs help; needs it quick,
so on help she must click.
she won't lose if she picks faqs.
"
"a fils is a frenchman's own sonny,
as in cyril et fils, yet it's funny
that in english the word
may also be heard
as a unit of middle east money.
"
"tim's a runner; he's tallish and thinnish.
his repute i've no wish to diminish,
but i saw his last race,
in helsinki. his pace?
he was nudged to last place by the finish.
"
"if i place it in front of the fire
in my hearth, guests will surely admire
this old fire screen i bought,
made of iron, well-wrought.
many  musings and dreams 'twill inspire.
"
"it's a word one would have to create,
and it seems, at an earlier date,
the word doorplane was born
by mistake.  we should warn
modern readers to set the lapse straight.
"
"you've a fistular passage between
pelvic organs. it's usually seen
after trauma, infection.
its leak needs correction;
let my surgical team intervene.
"
"these medical docs, etiologists,
help your local gps and urologists
find the cause of disease,
charging large healthy fees.
when they're wrong, you'll be seen by pathologists.
"
"a starry-eyed traveler, mia,
said, ""i must get to see eritrea.
i'll get chills, yessiree,
when i spy the red sea!""
but instead, she just got diarrhea.
"
"guy's an arsonist; yes, he's a firebug.
he's a quick-let-us-light-up-the-pyre bug.
he just burned down our shed;
who knows what lies ahead?
we must see he's arrested, that dire bug!
"
"the far right is the stance of this team,
and the speeches they give make me scream.
my temper i lose
when they're stating their views.
just traditional? no! they're extreme.
"
"when your ticket is taken, the stub
proves you've paid to get in. if you flub?
make an error?and lose it,
the staff won't excuse it;
sworn statements and pleas they will snub.
"
"what occurs there, behind your broad forehead?
i assume that your fancies are torrid;
the ideas in your brain
must bring pleasure and pain.
in the main, i imagine they're horrid.
"
"though i hired her in blissful unwittingness,
now it seems that ms. britt's known for quittingness.
as a temp job, it's fleeting?
greeting guests at a meeting?
it's apt, with felicitous fittingness.
"
"i returned and my dad made a gaffe,
when he killed mother's plump fatted calf,
a display of abundance
that was, sadly, redundance?
i'd been gone just an hour and a half.
"
"let us ponder the vanishing condor.
it is found in the andes, out yonder,
and may end up extinct,
as its future is linked
to our earth, whose resources we squander.
"
"this term is now stuck in my brain:
basal pinacoid drives me insane.
it's applied to a crystal?
a near side and distal?
and it also is called basal plane.
"
"the impassive chef cooked indiscretionlessly,
and always squeezed lemons aggressionlessly.
""now i'm old, it's no use,
can't extract no more juice.
can't produce,"" he reported expressionlessly.
"
"a miner, antonio jones,
dug out copper and ore-bearing stones.
all the gals he would please
with his great expertise
at exploring eruginous zones.
"
"think of microbes; these germs come to mind.
they're bacteria, those of the kind
that were called eubacteria.
from maine to siberia,
they're the sort that we usually find.
"
"our college developed a clinic
to help us take courses in finnic.
""those are languages whose
words you seldom will use,""
warned my uncle, but he's a known cynic.
"
"""marty's charm is unstable, expirable,
'cause he roams, and that's hardly desirable.""
""nail his shoes to the floor;
he won't stray any more!""
""you claim fixedness in beaus is acquirable?""
"
"if a lexicon once should misspell,
will its peers see the error and tell?
well, erucifrom's one
word where nothing was done.
it says ""wormlike"" in others as well.
"
"""if i ask you to fetch me a thing,""
i told rover, ""i'm sure that you'll bring
me the item i've named.
i expect you're ashamed
you've brought string, not your doggie-toy ring.""
"
"cousin ruth took the role of a sleuth
as she searched for the fountain of youth.
it's a mythical source
of the magical force
that can keep us all youthful, in truth.
"
"what's erasure? the act of erasing,
with intent (in this case) of replacing,
or a name for the space
where the word i erase
used to be (and the new one i'm tracing).
"
"a fig is a fruit that is sweet.
round the world it's a food people eat.
taste it fresh or first dry it.
either way, once you try it,
you'll find it a heavenly treat.
"
"as our boat was approaching havana,
we were awed by a fata morgana,
a mirage captain mitch
said was caused by a witch.
(why, oh why did i leave indiana?)
"
"try our genus; we figs think you'll like us.
you can call us plants fee-kuhs or fie-kuhs.
some species bear fruit,
so be kind and don't shoot,
though to make a fig jam, you must strike us.
"
"if your grandma has just climbed mount fuji,
where she bowed as she sang flat foot floogie,
you might cry ""hip hooray!""
(though that sounds so pass?).
why not cheer a new way, shouting ""euge!""
"
"to prepare maple syrup, he sticks
a hydrometer into the mix.
it uses the brix scale,
which isn't a trick scale?
the sugar is measured in brix.
"
"say it ""first-string"" or say it ""first-string,""
they're the tops, and each player a king.
if the first string they're in,
most games they begin,
and they're known from new york to beijing.
"
"the term first world has some applications,
not to thais or ghanaians or hatians,
but to british and dutch,
aussies, yankees and such?
and their modern industrial nations.
"
"""when you courted two girls simultaneously,
you made vows and swore oaths miscellaneously.
though i'm schooled in amour,
now you've shown me the door.
i'm unneeded,"" cried edie, extraneously.
"
"""when he speaks, it just serves to amuse,""
said my lawyer. ""i choose to accuse?
to empeach?counsel's  witness,
who shows his unfitness
by coming to court high on booze.""
"
"this limerick's meant as a promo
for andy, new york's majordomo.
when superstorm sandy
raised hell, he was handy.
our governor's grand?andrew cuomo.
"
"italian american means
that from italy come your folks' genes,
and that's the scenario
that produced gov'nor mario
cuomo, who grew up in queens.
"
"the first degree bernie would earn
was a bachelor of arts in lucerne,
but he failed at his master's
after several disasters,
including a first-degree burn.
"
"far away rhonda often would wander.
she was careless, both home and out yonder.
she would bang up her car
in dakar or qatar,
then make eyes at each cute first responder.
"
"when my cell phone is lost, i can't find it
(can't detect it), but hell?i don't mind it.
i see no need to grouch
as i sit on the couch,
'cause i'm sure the damned thing is behind it.
"
"a cultured official named herman
sent a firman. we couldn't determine
what he meant till a clerk,
who by birth was a turk,
translated it back into german.
"
"i was wondering: ""what did my mentor mean
by his question: 'what drug went with phentermine?' ""
fenfluramine's what
he required. i forgot
about fen-phen. what did its inventor mean?
"
"i'm concerned. it's a dire diagnosis:
dysmucopolysaccharidosis
of the type fibrocytic.
""it's no worse,"" said one critic,
""than farber's lipogranulomatosis.""
"
"tess was kidnapped before she said ""yes""
at her wedding. she wept in distress,
but in time she would thank
her discreet hero frank
who had yanked her away with finesse.
"
"my new anodyne's strong, efficacious,
yet you claim it's just flour?that's fallacious.
your remarks are audacious
and very vexatious.
no, my medicine's not farinaceous!
"
"said injustice (the goddess adikia):
""i have cursed you with vile leukotrichia?
spots of white hair and skin.
you've committed no sin,
but you're punished because i'm just sick o' yuh.""
"
"he dwelt in a great feudal castle,
where he lived off his serfs with no hassle,
though their labor was sudatory.
lord morde was a feudatory:
a fief-holder, landholder, vassal.
"
"my countenance lit with a smile
when i bought that silk dress made of faille.
its ribbed fabric's not prim,
and it makes me look slim.
i'm both trim and in trendsetting style.
"
"your notations as fred's emendator
will be read to her, sooner or later.
when you edit his text,
don't just write: ""oversexed!""
or your wife, rightly vexed, will wail: ""traitor!""
"
"actor desi arnaz used his brain
in the sitcom, when time and again,
in a role that was juicy,
he'd cite reasons for lucy;
but instead of explain, he'd say splain.
"
"while his failures he'll keep on occulting,
over wins, you'll observe him exulting.
he'll rejoice and he'll crow,
although most of us know
of his lapses, and find it insulting.
"
"see that fish swimming by with a swish
in the tank? it's a butterfly fish
of the chaetodon genus,
and lovely as venus.
what? you ask can it fly? you just wish!
"
"old prof rudy? he studies cuisines.
he's a foodie; you know what that means.
he's so taken with food,
all his students conclude
that he really, this dude, knows his beans.
"
"piles of fan mail arrive at my door:
letters praising my role as the whore
in that hit broadway drama
goodbye yokohama.
cheers galore?the crowds roar:  ""give us more!""
"
"broadway musical ticket?  you'll get a
lovely evening of music, i'll bet?a
chance to visit the wiz
or perhaps see les miz.
try a modern new york operetta!
"
"from a fortune-teller, please let me borrow
this talent?foretelling tomorrow.
i've just gotten married
and predictions are varied,
but my friends all anticipate sorrow.
"
"no one teaches a fly how to fly.
this bug's born to be airborne; that's why.
though its brain is minute,
every neuron's astute.
from its pupa it springs, waves good-bye.
"
"on a ship that is carrying freight,
'neath the captain, you'll find the first mate.
it's a rank?that is true?
a position, yes, too:
the first mate on this vessel is kate.
"
"an innocent lady from minsk
is on trial for an arson in pinsk,
but forensic work's bad.
seems the officers had
used the wrong kind of ink for her printsk.
"
"what he wanted was filet mignon?
high-class steak?but she didn't catch on.
her response was chaotic:
as the name seemed exotic,
she served him up food from gabon.
"
"on our journey we all became merrier
when we crossed the small bay with a ferrier.
before we reached shore
we were begging for more
of his jokes?of our sadness a burier.
"
"a dad told his offspring in itna:
""i'm arranging, my lad, for a khitna.""
then the boy, hopping mad,
shouted, ""here it comes, dad!
sons are rising today in a fitna!""
"
"""not in church, this fine pair were wed secularly.
though too small to be seen by us specularly,
when two molecules joined
a new compound was coined,""
cried the chemistry prof, ""bimolecularly.""
"
"the duckling that lives in the hollow
at the edge of the pond likes to wallow;
but with sister and brother,
he tails after mother.
where the mommy duck goes, youngsters follow.
"
"i embarked on a quest in pursuit
of listening to eskimo-aleut.
thus i gamely set forth
to the lands of the north:
from great sitkin to greenland, my route.
"
"four lines make an elegiac stanza.
one notices that when one scans a
sweet sonnet that we
see rhymed abab,
or in gray's famous churchyard bonanza.
"
"""how am i?"" said jane. ""i'm in pain,
overstrained by a job that's insane.
though my deeds are heroic
and thankless, i'm stoic.
far be it from me to complain.""
"
"it's so hot, seems that water would boil
(if there were any). here desert soil
may be found, so i'm told,
but in arid and cold
places too?so there's no need to broil.
"
"the words of the clinic ad's blurb:
""our docs' expertise is superb.""
and it's true that the harm
to my baby boy's arm
was correctly tagged palsy of erb.
"
"though she prized her insistent beau, joe,
she resisted and told him to go.
""please desist,"" exclaimed melanie.
""rape is a felony.
when a woman says no, she means no!""
"
"abby's weighted with flab; she's obese.
week by week her girth seems to increase
as she puts on more fat.
hope she diets ? and that
makes her dangerous weight-gaining cease.
"
"i am tempted to write a cantata,
or prepare a reward-filled pi?ata,
to celebrate ticks,
spiders, mites?what a mix.
all are members of what? chelicerata!
"
"i had thought it was painful arthritis,
but my foot's very bottom's the situs
where the sole's fibrous tissue
is inflamed?that's the issue.
my podiatrist says: ""fasciitis.""
"
"when medicine's evidence-based,
it's effective?no fraud, little waste
(so authorities state),
and i think it's just great.
bogus claims and quack cures are replaced.
"
"i can focus my brain (tune it in)
to a task i'm about to begin:
how to harvest zucchini
or mix a martini?
which vermouth do i add to the gin?
"
"they met at a bash saturnalian,
in perth. her request seemed quite alien:
""buy a gem?a fire opal?
from constantanople.""
he replied: ""all those stones are australian!""
"
"uncle cyrus spends thousands on trifles.
yes, he'll splurge; there's no urge that he stifles.
he feels fortunate, for
seems there's always a war,
and his fortune's been made selling rifles.
"
"your gullet's an organ that's hollow.
for its problems, this protocol follow:
have this test, this exam,
an  esophagogram.
(some folks call it a barium swallow.)
"
"i was asked by a group of quebeckers
to go for a walk (they were trekkers).
""i prefer not to roam,""
i replied. ""let's stay home,
and play draughts?that's the board game called checkers.""
"
"""if your grandma had wings, she would fly,""
said my grandpa. (i never knew why.)
""she would soar; she would glide;
you could go for a ride.""
gramps was always a weird kind of a guy.
"
"are you lacking a key fatty acid
without which your muscles grow flaccid?
at your local bodega,
you'll find some omega-
three capsules. enjoy them; feel placid.
"
"""yes, my pet is a lynx,"" explained merrill.
""though he may look quite tame, he's still feral.
so be careful; he might
either scratch you or bite.
here's my warning: pet rex at your peril.""
"
"when i used the word fasching, i meant
to refer to the times that we went
to my cousin bert's house.
with his german-born spouse,
we would celebrate just before lent.
"
"i got funds from the feminist grail
for my study of mating in quail.
in these books with gold bindings
are my self-published findings:
the female's more straight than the male.
"
"the false vampire?so-called in vernacula?
is a creature you might find spectacula.
it's a large new world bat,
but do not forget that
it will not suck your blood like count dracula.
"
"""sy's a far-sighted guy? he's a prize.
he has foresight; he's canny and wise,
with a view telescopic.""
""what?  the guy's hyperopic?""
""no, he's both?smart, and weak in the eyes.""
"
"our computers' fault-tolerant system,
when troubles arrive, can resist 'em.
our machines carry on;
once the problems are gone,
we're so happy that often we've kissed 'em.
"
"when he thinks of the hours she keeps,
gina's dad is so sad that he weeps,
as by day gina carhops;
by night gina bar hops.
dad wonders just when gina sleeps.
"
"farley maidenhair: name of a fern
about which you're going to learn.
first found in barbados
(where they don't have tornadoes),
great fame it would rapidly earn.
"
"what are fish tanks? my dear, they're aquaria.
like the ones in the fish-raising area
of our ranch.  some, i know
have odd creatures to show?
like anemones, called actinaria.
"
"on his deathbed, dad asked me to check you, trix,
so he named me the single executrix
of his will. he took care
that you'll get your fair share?
bit by bit, so the money won't wreck you, trix.
"
"when aunt bethany sings at the met,
the librettos she tends to forget.
when the words just won't come,
she sings: ""dum dee dum dum,""
then asks why peter gelb gets upset.
"
"when hunting, he acted quite daringly,
but a bruin with offspring??more caringly.
""her three cubs were half-grown,
so i left them alone
with their mom,"" tom recounted, forbearingly.
"
"in my search for a star, i've withstood enough.
that young basso has sworn that he could enough,
but the guy's so damned boring,
he'll leave the fans snoring.
i'm not sure that banal bore is good enough.
"
"one of usually quiet, unsung oils
is this substance, most useful among oils:
it is called chinese wood oil;
you'll find it a good oil.
if you try it, you'll surely praise tung oils.
"
"to crash freddy's wedding frank tried,
as he wanted to win back the bride.
so he dressed as a waiter
who'd signed up to cater.
his familiarness got him inside.
"
"an unspeakable moment was reached
when our principal, pete, was empeached.
guess he can't run a school
if he speaks like a fool,
and rather than ""taught"" he says ""teached.""
"
"from whence comes the name euxine sea?
let's go backward in time?bce.
its source is transmittable:
first called inhospitable,
changed names to a stunning degree.
"
"it protects us from seizure or search
that's unlawful and thus would besmirch
our good name and tranquility.
it offers stability:
our rights aren't left in the lurch.
"
"let us sail to the harbor's fanal.
it's a truly inviting locale.
how the old lighthouse gleams,
sending lifesaving beams!
just to see it, it seems, boosts morale.
"
"did the artist andrea del sarto,
indonesian leader suharto,
or bill clinton wear sandals
and have baskets, with handles,
made of african grass called esparto?
"
"i use fertilizer growing my crops,
and i buy it in gardening shops.
seems it helps the plants grow.
some use nightsoil, i know,
but just think of it?yikes!?my heart stops.
"
"lynn complains that her eyeballs have been
slipping backwards. her eyelids? loose skin,
since she fell (hit her head too),
broke her orbits, which led to
enophthalmos:  her eyes are sunk in.
"
"aminomethane? that's methylamine.
it is colorless, therefore unseen,
and will break into flame,
but has garnered great fame?
its industrial use is routine.
"
"cousin chester? his great fascination
is chemistry. now his fixation
is brewing up esters.
for several semesters
he's worked on esterification.
"
"tim approached his blind date with timidity,
but inflamed with excitement (fervidity),
he proposed they unite. she
complied with delight. he
thus cured freda's lifelong frigidity.
"
"kurtz's labor is fitful (in spurts).
we observe he's distracted by skirts.
with his stopping and starting,
he'll soon be departing.
his work's so erratic, it hurts.
"
"dr. casey? the interns all say she's
not glamorous.  far and away, she's
got the homeliest face.
when describing a case
in her class, they don't look at her facies.
"
"for warmth, wear an anorak jacket;
on your ski trip, be sure that you pack it.
if it's lined in pure mink,
you'll make ski bunnies think
you belong in a high-income bracket.
"
"through his twenties, fred's debts seemed to mount.
he owed more than he even could count,
till his grandfather bill
left him millions.  that will
was fred's fabulous funds-yielding fount.
"
"i've never befriended or warmed
to the guy from the crowd that had swarmed
round our team when we won.
he's the one we all shun.
evil-favored, he's blemished, deformed.
"
"till their vision of justice prevailed,
many foes of apartheid were jailed,
such as nelson mandela,
a singular fella.
in the end, 'twas apartheid that failed.
"
"this everliving project's incessant.
my first limericks seemed effervescent,
and i often would chortle,
but it's now grown immortal!
can you hand me an antidepressant?
"
"our da has habitually built
a strong case to make jurymen tilt
toward his side and feel onerated,
the accused is exonerated
at times?he is found free of guilt.
"
"in my leg i've a violent pain,
and i fear it may drive me insane.
believe it or not,
i suspect there's a clot
in my external iliac vein.
"
"is he famished or is he farmisht?
befuddled, or just empty-dished?
while farmisht means ""confused,""
the word famished is used
to mean ""starving.""  nutrition is wished.
"
"""it's the best in the county?your cattery,""
said the eager young men to ms slattery.
""i have doubts that you brats,""
she replied, ""care for cats.
you want sex? for me that too is flattery!""
"
"""not a shy guy, restrained by timidity,
sy proceeded with heated rigidity,
making love to me fervently,""
said my servant, observantly,
disturbed by her growing gravidity.
"
"a fish hawk's a large bird of prey
that will live near a river or bay.
this osprey, a captor
of fish?a strong raptor?
serves her chicks a fine seafood buffet.
"
"when the billionaire planned his new palace?
the loftiest building in dallas?
he assigned the extruction
to a ditz, whose seduction
caused his brains to be led by his phallus.
"
"dad insists that i do something big
with my voice.  if i get the right gig,
i'll be famous and rich.
although dad's got the itch?
fame and fortune?  i don't care a fig.
"
"mary claire with luxuriant hair?
she's the femme of a lesbian pair.
(each is sappho's disciple.)
she's a ""she"" archetypal;
for that ladylike air, she's got flair.
"
"now grown old, at the end of my days,
the error i see of my ways,
so i'll cease being greedy
and cede to the needy
my wealth. (yes, indeedy, crime pays!)
"
"though their records were not on a disc,
lots of money changed hands in a fisc.
in old rome, or today,
it's a treasury. hey!
in a fisc, mister, business is brisk.
"
"this capo?of crimes he's a shaper
 as he writes out a plan for each caper,
 with each detail complete;
 all obsessively neat,
 in straight lines on his pad's feint-ruled paper.
"
"i knew i'd be taking a risk
if i tried to define the word fisk.
is it something acidic
that's said by a critic,
or an obsolete term that means ""frisk""?
"
"my political grandfather, marty,
had ambitions and tastes that were hearty.
he and many a neighbor
joined the old farmer-labor
(a once-lively but now-defunct) party.
"
"vinting port? that is mort's occupation,
though at home he earns no acclamation,
so he ships wine to spain,
where it's poured down the drain.
what's his line? now he'd say: ""exportation.""
"
"the deepwater pipefish? it makes
barely edible dinners. it takes
many long skinny fish
to produce just one dish,
which resembles spaghetti?or snakes.
"
"my studies are backed philanthropically?
watching plant cells respond chemotropically
to chemicals. they
will grow towards or away
from the substance, observed microscopically.
"
"civil war stories (fact and not fiction)
spoke of army disease, an affliction
that for troops was a bane
and a source of great pain.
it was later called morphine addiction.
"
"though for weeks, in preparing, i've toiled,
now my plans for a picnic are foiled.
weather forecasts inform
us we're in for a storm,
so all outdoor events will be spoiled.
"
"i'm so mad at young thad. here's the thing?grrrr!
when i asked if he'd help me and linger
to shovel some sand
(a request, not demand),
did he give me a hand? no, the finger!
"
"don't know why i can't figure it out:
how my figure's grown fat?i'm so stout.
i weigh one-eighty-eight;
that's a figure i hate.
i'm a figure of fun now, no doubt.
"
"though her neck bled, she wasn't in pain
as the blood made a  widening stain.
the stabbed girl was pleading
for help: ""stop the bleeding
from my external jugular vein!""
"
"shrilly fifing, the fifer came near.
a loud shriek from his flute we could hear.
though mom cried: ""it's a song!""
i was sure she was wrong?
more a teakettle sound in my ear.
"
"""seems our school's coat of arms is a mess?
too ornate!"" stated bess. ""so i guess
we should lose those festoons
and the dancing baboons,
and adopt just a band. yes, a fesse.""
"
"when the teacher arrives with his ferule,
all the boys feel a presage of peril.
each student will stand
and be struck on the hand.
will his cane draw some blood? hope it's sterile!
"
"""to define the word eskalith beats me,""
stated sy to his wife. ""it defeats me.""
""you're a fool?all can see.
li2co3,""
she replied. sy said: ""see how she treats me?""
"
"after slaloming, jill had a chill lip.
speech was slurred, and that slur was a fillip
to the dull conversation
at the ski lodge collation.
said philip: ""a lucky goodwill lip.""
"
"since fanfic is written by fans,
it has stories beyond authors' plans.
parts performed in the shows
are retooled into prose,
though the sitcom's iran's or japan's.
"
"this punch for our post-game collation
tastes to me like a weak imitation
of a footballer's drink.
add some vodka! i think
that the quaff needs some fortification.
"
"the report that i issue each day
seeks to forecast the weather.  my way,
though it's unscientific,
works well. it's terrific:
my joint pains predict what i'll say.
"
"uncle mel built a business that dealt
with metals. when heated they'd melt,
then be cooled in a mold
and, when processed, be sold.
with his foundry he earned lots of gelt.
"
"to impress the new generalissimo,
christy played her sonata fortissimo.
from his eyes there came tears
as he covered his ears
and requested she play pianissimo.
"
"tess, our neighbor who eats to excess,
wears a tight, clinging (form-fitting) dress.
and my husband observes,
when it comes to her curves,
she shows more when she ought to show less.
"
"california attracted the miners
whom today we would call forty-niners.
some stayed poor and grew old;
some got rich, finding gold
or by building a shop or a diner.
"
"mayor strauss gave a rousing oration:
""to protect us from utter predation,
we must build a great wall
round this town?strong and tall,
topped with cannons.  that's fortification!""
"
"many library staffs i exhaust
as i search for these works at great cost.
comic plays that i seek
are both ancient and greek.
the amphictyons? partially lost.
"
"kathleen ferrier made us rejoice
at the sound of her radiant voice.
once we'd heard her contralto
in our city's rialto,
we'd name her our singer of choice.
"
"""fifty cents i must have!"" ann demands.
(that's ""a lot,"" this young girl understands.)
i explain just how many:
""if each finger's a penny,
you'd need five kids?each kid with two hands.""
"
"international dancer and star,
this ukrainian gal has come far.
in seville, ms shevchenko
does a frisky flamenco
while some gypsies play spanish guitar.
"
"see the colobi? my, how they jump!
they are agile and not at all plump,
and their name (greek: ""cut short"")
can describe their odd sort
of appendage?each thumb is a stump.
"
"there are several shrubs called the fetterbush.
is there any that's clearly a better bush?
each is lovely and gentle,
a prized ornamental,
so i'd say that each one's a red-letter bush.
"
"first your doc gives a numbing injection
for the painless removal (exsection)
of that growth from your toe.
you won't feel it, you know,
till the bill becomes due for collection.
"
"watching babies (my kids were all droolers)
made me think of evaporative coolers.
now one's cooling our house
and a joy to my spouse,
and it's cheaper than gifts from the jeweler's.
"
"deccan hemp: sure it's hemp, but don't laugh
at the sinewy plant called kenaf,
'cause to smoke java jute
won't induce a doped toot.
friends will hoot at your ludicrous gaffe.
"
"the disease's arrival? foudroyant!
like a flash, it was showy, flamboyant,
spreading faster and faster.
none foresaw this disaster?
what a shame our docs can't be clairvoyant.
"
"a charity organization,
a building's below-ground formation
that protects it from breakup,
a beige liquid makeup,
mom's corset?each one's a foundation.
"
"as our flags fly with pride in the sky,
patriotic parades swagger by.
to the beat of a drum
independence day's come!
i get high on the fourth of july.
"
"grandpa fred fell in love with a flapper;
in her flimsy silk shift she looked dapper.
he took pains not to trip her,
sipping gin from her slipper,
but his zipper got caught in her wrapper.
"
"my firstborn?my eldest?was born
just at dawn on a beautiful morn.
since i'd labored all night,
it just didn't seem right:
from my womb she was surgically torn.
"
"on the web,ted does nothing but shop.
at those high-fashion sites he will stop.
so at parties, you've guessed,
he's a quite overdressed
metrosexual pest.  he's a fop.
"
"your new boarder? from neighbors i've heard
he's a weenie, an anoraky nerd.
like all boffins and dorks
come to london from yorks,
he'll have trouble attracting a bird.
"
"when faced with the law of the levirate,
did some ancient hebrews asseverate
that to wed brothers' wives
(when these sibs lost their lives)
would unman them, would castrate, would evirate?
"
"""i learned about fireworks purposively,
to make merry, but now you, corrosively,
declare it was for
preparation for war!
take that back!"" thundered joseph explosively.
"
"the word findings applies to the tools,
the use of which, taught in the schools
that give training to craftsmen
(like artisans, draftsmen),
is best if one follows the rules.
"
"this hillbilly's whimsies were fanciness
and would lead her to plans full of chanciness.
after merely one dance,
she imagines romance,
and then quickly considers fianc?eness.
"
"to us folks, an important befriendment
was america's fourteenth amendment.
bill of rights? it relates
to each one of the states
(so the courts have construed its intendment).
"
"make everything bad into good,
and make every man act as he should,
so that all that's malignant
converts to benignant?
i certainly would if i could.
"
"when her wealthiest clients were lost,
into debt debbie's dress shop was tossed.
she will cut personnel,
and expenses as well,
but not rent, as her rent's a fixed cost.
"
"the first pendulum made by foucault,
hung in paris, a long time ago.
this smart demonstration
of our planet's rotation
in museums, still swings to and fro.
"
"back in budapest, les has a stash
of forints (hungarian cash).
there he spends it on sprees,
and gets drunk as you please,
then pays plenty for places to crash.
"
"""just where are this insect's antennae,
alongside of its eyes?"" queried penny.
""yes, outside?extra-ocular,
plus its eye's multilocular,""
said guy, ""as of parts it has many.""
"
"say it ""four-star,"" or say it ""four-star,""
it's high quality, fit for a czar.
though it needn't be glitzy,
or even be ritzy,
you know it is well above par.
"
"""he's lost millions?that gambler from groton,""
cried his wife, ""cause his memory's rotten.
each occasional win
he recalls with a grin,
but his losses? they all are forgotten.""
"
"this order for stocks lasts one day.
when the closing bell sounds, come what may,
it's kaput; it's expired.
it's departed, retired.
it's farewell, buy or sell?either way.
"
"cooking food we all cherish?chinese?
take the water you'd use to cook peas
and just parboil this blessed nut
(they call it a chestnut!)
for a dish that is certain to please.
"
"my teachers declare i'm a schmuck.
on exams, essay answers all suck,
since i reason circuitously.
yet i pass some fortuitously
by guessing. i'm blessed with dumb luck.
"
"auteur  federico fellini
had a talent that few would call teeny.
from sublime to obscene
were his scenes on the screen.
his fat lady? she wore a bikini.
"
"werner herzog directed and wrote
fitzcarraldo, the tale of a boat
and a madman, whose crew
drags it?yes, the tale's true!?
over mountains, both wild and remote.
"
"you love windmills?  try growing the grass
that will give your lawn plenty of class.
if you nurture a lot o'
this chloris truncata
your neighbors will smile as they pass.
"
"when a plant or an animal's grown
and then dies, in some cases it's prone
to be fossilized. years
pass; it then reappears.
parts (like bone) have been turned into stone.
"
"cory read his proposal authorially.
""man has hankered through time, immemorially,
to go right 'round the earth?
to encircle its girth.
i'll traverse it,"" he said, ""equatorially.""
"
"in our bad-weather driving, we strive
to make rescues and keep folks alive,
so our ambulance has
such amenities as
a powerful, smooth four-wheel drive.
"
"there are several meanings for ferm,
though today it's a seldom-used term.
it's one's farm or one's home,
or the rent (should one roam)
on one's farmstead?each meadow and worm.
"
"i was formerly king in my house;
now i'm timid and shy as a mouse.
i was formerly bold;
now i do what i'm told,
as i'm currently ruled by my spouse.
"
"in our hearts stephen foster belongs?
a composer of beautiful songs.
though today he's well known,
he died poor and alone?
that was one of society's wrongs.
"
"though our teen magazine seems benign,
i'm concerned that our current design,
in its layout (its format),
is dull as a doormat.
add pep and some oomph. it will shine!
"
"he walks slowly, but jumping he's quicker,
and his love call might cause you to snicker.
for a female he begs
as he rubs his back legs?
i refer to the male desert clicker.
"
"to my nephew i issued this warning:
""from midnight till midday is morning.
please get up before noon
(in the forenoon),"" i croon,
""or requests for more cash i'll be scorning.""
"
"some believe that the future's explained
by the notion that god's foreordained
every future event.
they will brook no dissent;
this idea is so deeply ingrained.
"
"when somebody fails to deliver
what's promised, does rage make you quiver,
so you curse, fling abuse?
you accept his excuse?
i deduce you're an expert forgiver.
"
"i believe i am losing my wits,
'cause my memory's gone on the fritz.
that's what's making me fretful:
i've grown so forgetful?
when memory quits, it's the pits.
"
"rowan atkinson plays mr. bean;
he's the funniest man on the screen.
though he acts like a victim
when someone has kicked him,
he's more than a little bit mean.
"
"veneration you wish to attain?
learn the secrets of magic in grain.
you will cause a sensation
with grain divination.
using crithomancy, fame you will gain.
"
"fortune hunters all have the itch
to find mates that will render them rich.
using sex appeal, stealth,
and pretense, they seek wealth,
while ""it's you i adore!"" is their pitch.
"
"from big cities and small rural thorps
comes the team that's dissecting our corpse.
what we all hate like hell
is that formalin smell.
can't remove it?our dating it warps.
"
"seems i'm feverous?temperature's rising.
got the flu, so it's hardly surprising.
here's an aspirin pill?
should i take it? i will.
(it's the treatment my doctor's advising.)
"
"off to medical school goes adele,
and she does her dissection quite well.
""it's important,"" she thinks,
""but formaldehyde stinks,
and i just can't get rid of the smell!""
"
"uncle roger, my uncle who boxed,
now has skin that is blemished?it's foxed.
and i wonder if it's
due to all those hard hits
or the times that from gin he detoxed.
"
"my son pete's neither sneaky nor freaky,
and he isn't a dweeb?he's not geeky,
but he can't seem to learn
not to speak out of turn.
he's too pushy, too forward, too cheeky.
"
"bare spots on your golf course? grotesque! you
might consider a grass that's called fescue.
it is found in some fields
and in pastures, and yields
hardy plants that will come to your rescue.
"
"""it's defined as 'a fixed-upon plan,'
or 'a statement in math',"" opined ann.
""no!"" cried joe. ""it's, i think
what our neonates drink,
just like breast milk, but bought in a can.""
"
"it is bioelectric i feel
every time that i touch my left heel
to that long skinny fish;
it's so shocking, i wish
i had never bumped into that ""eel"".
"
"twin inventors, the two brothers putter
to construct a machine that will flutter.
they try flapping its wings
using springs and long strings,
but it's frustrating. ""nuts!"" they both mutter.
"
"before you are wed to that boy,
there's a feast that i think you'll enjoy,
where we bid you farewell
and success we foretell.
here in scotland we call it a foy.
"
"forte-piano it said on the page
of music kay played on the stage.
it means ""loud and then soft.""
when she concertized, oft
with such playing she earned her high wage.
"
"the future has something in store,
but to figure it out is a chore,
and i generate laughter
when i swear that, hereafter,
there's humor in store forevermore.
"
"when the fire alarm sounded this morning,
norm's reaction was negative, scorning:
""hell, it's only a drill!""
guess he's sitting there still;
he refused to respond to its warning.
"
"this morning my painful forswearing
of pleasure and pain i am sharing.
yes, i freely renounce
sex in any amounts,
as i've found that my life's been too wearing.
"
"the new intern's techniques are appalling.
something dreadful may soon be befalling
our clinic's wellbeing.
the staff's all agreeing:
his appointment's in need of forestalling.
"
"your fanfic's too far from the source.
ralph and alice are fighting, of course.
ed and trixie are too,
but in your story, you
have them split.  they would never divorce!
"
"named like stars that are just below cetus,
goddess fornax, the roman, will greet us.
she's the oven that bakes
sacred grain for the cakes
offered up so that life won't defeat us.
"
"i hear thunder, and fear the storm's heightening.
i see zigzags of brightness; it's frightening.
they streak down, branch and split?
yes, they're forked. i admit
that i fear being hit by the lightning.
"
"it's his birthday; i'll put out a feeler.
what would pete like? he visits a dealer
of large and small trucks.
i don't have lots of bucks?
hope he falls for a modest four-wheeler.
"
"my new toilet won't flush. i'm farblunget?
feeling lost and confused. guess i'll plunge it.
now it's flooding, won't stop.
fetch a bucket and mop!
what? some splashed on your sweater? here, sponge it!
"
"our new gym teacher reeks of virility.
he is awesome?such strength and agility!
he wins staff admiration
and kids' adulation?
a model of formidability.
"
"we'd consider it quite imbecilic
if your alcohol drink was amylic.
amyl alcohol's poison
that'd kill all you boys 'n'
to love you would be  necrophilic.
"
"it's a method that's sure to appeal:
if you face-harden, outcome's ideal.
coat in carbon and heat
till the change is complete.
you've made stronger the surface of steel.
"
"any beast of the odd genus elephas
could, with sensitive trunk, catch the smell of us,
then carefully put
us beneath its great foot,
and quite soon you'd be hearing the knell of us.
"
"""see that dame? she looks hot,"" eddy said.
""bet she'd really be torrid in bed.
all fired up like a tart,
she sure dresses the part:
on her, crimson is fire engine red!""
"
"i slept poorly; my sleep-time was spotty
(intermittent). my bedclothes got knotty,
and i'm lacking in witfulness
from that nighttime of fitfulness.
(twenty times?yes?i went to the potty.)
"
"if you're missing a limb, that will please
lee's acrotomophilia. he's
all fired up by the charms
of mam'selles with no arms;
he's aroused when he sees amputees.
"
"i observed barney's car; it was smashed,
so i asked how it got to be bashed.
""roads were icy,"" he cried.
""rear end swung side-to-side?
the car fishtailed?it's then that it crashed.""
"
"long ago, were the ancient etrurians
(the etruscans) perhaps epicureans?
did they live and dine prettily
in what's now central italy?
better meals than the northern ligurians?
"
"in oman, stella saw a young fellah
who while laboring sang a cappella.
as his shovel was  swingin',
he warbled: ""i'm singin'
in the rain!"" she said ""where's his umbrella?"".
"
"""i was drunk, judge,"" said ken, ""on a bender,
when i filched fifty bucks from that vendor.
never busted before.
didn't mean it!"" he swore,
then implored  ""help a poor first offender!""
"
"a deed we would label felonious
is criminal?that's not erroneous,
but the sound of that word
is the sweetest i've heard.
yes, to my ear it's music?euphonious.
"
"i've heard feckless, but what the hell's feck?
to the wise oed i must trek.
""bulk"" or ""steal""? it means both,
and it's what? a minced oath?
should i feck this odd word? what the heck!
"
"exspuition's an old word for ""spitting.""
you can spit either standing or sitting.
just how far can you spew
your saliva? if you
hit my shoe, a faux pas you're committing.
"
"""donne was famoused,"" i wrote. you refused
to accept it and said i'd abused
(like a true ignoramus)
our tongue. ""you mean famous.""
i replied: ""it's a word shakespeare used!""
"
"yellow quartz has a beautiful sheen.
i declare it is fit for a queen,
so don't call it a fake;
give this gemstone a break.
not false topaz, please call it citrine.
"
"what are fixings? equipment, nails, screws?
apparatus a workman would use.
i peruse such devices
and check out their prices,
but never know which ones to choose..
"
"a small isle off the coast in the sea,
made of coral, is known as a cay;
and this isle near a bay
may be also called cay.
it's confusing, i'm sure you'll agree.
"
"what's a femtosecond? well, a quadrillionth
(that's a millionth of what is a billionth)
of a second. when i'm
noting measures of time,
it's so short that i'd say it's a zillionth.
"
"this is lovey, my fairy armadillo;
she's as soft and as pink as my pillow,
though she has a stiff shell.
she's a delicate belle
and her weight's less than half of a kilo.
"
"to me it's a huge cornucopia
of earthly delights: ethiopia.
and these joys ethiopic
are my favorite topic
as i long for this afric utopia.
"
"though the state's ordered swift expropriation
of the land of our organization,
owning land is our right.
they won't seize it; we'll fight
till they've issued a nullification.
"
"a nice jewish boy from new york
found some bacon impaled on his fork,
but he kept the fact hidden,
'cause pig meat's forbidden.
no kiddin'? so jews don't eat pork?
"
"jo the eskimo glowed in the snow
as she spoke to her amorous beau,
the explorer moe weissberg:
""let's unite on your iceberg,
lie low, and just go with the floe.""
"
"""have i siblings? one sister, five others?
they're sons of my father?my brothers.
i have one and four halfs,
that makes five,"" my friend laughs,
""because only one son is my mother's.""
"
"san diego's fine zoo has a new mart,
so i purposely shopped at this zoo mart.
there i found a toy fitch,
made of cloth, soft and rich,
so i bought what i'd sought?a stuffed  foumart.
"
"a fabricant's someone who makes
a product. his factory takes
what we call raw material
and, in steps that are serial,
makes brake pads or steak knives or rakes.
"
"the enzymes i add vitriolically
make compounds break down catabolically.
when these chemical actions
reduce them to fractions,
the substances weep melancholically.
"
"when i say someone's foul-mouthed, i mean
that his language is dirty, obscene,
whether spoken or written.
each yankee and briton
and aussie should keep english clean!
"
"as a child, in my years that were formative,
i was bored and felt life was too dormative.
on tv, kids had fun;
they'd go hunt with a gun,
while for me, washing dishes was normative.
"
"you can found a new college, astound
folks, and thus be found famous, renowned.
but if wires become crossed,
and your funds you exhaust,
don't seek aid at the town's lost-and-found.
"
"""what our club needs,"" said dag, ""is a flag?
a bright banner, so members can brag!""
""i agree,"" added neil,
""but let's make it of steel,
so on days without wind, it won't sag.""
"
"my grandpa, with no ambiguity
in his will, left a lavish annuity.
i got more than my share;
now i've money to spare.
i was shocked by this happy fortuity.
"
"""my grandpa just turned sixty-eight;
i fear fossilization's his fate.""
""what? that news is colossal!
he's becoming a fossil?""
""no, just set in his ways?out of date.""
"
"though he claims to love mankind generically,
jack reacts to his colleagues cholerically.
using language abstruse,
he insists they're obtuse?
they don't grasp what he writes esoterically.
"
"scott fitzgerald died young.  he'd lived fast
in the jazz age, a time not long past.
the works that he left
are all vivid and deft;
in his writings, the era will last.
"
"jewel beetles? try family buprestidae.
comb jellies?  you'll find them in cestidae.
there's camelidae for camels,
but little pouched mammals?
they're found in the family caenolestidae.
"
"our fraternity?mentioned by name?
for maternity shouldered the blame.
sue gave nu delta sigma
a fathership stigma.
(paternity means just the same.)
"
"""uncle walt earned his salt selling bennies.
now rubbed out, the guy sleeps with the blennies.""
""did he leave a  bequest?""
asked my mom. i confessed:
""he left fourpence?that's four english pennies.""
"
"my logophile brother keeps pesterin'
for a word used by father's ancestor, in
an old chemistry book,
for cholesterol. look!
here's the term that he used.  it's cholesterin.
"
"our chemistry teacher keeps preaching:
""chlorine water is useful for bleaching.
this simple solution
causes hue diminution.
a shade that is pale you'll be reaching.""
"
"i am saying a prayer for my chicken;
last night i observed the bird sicken.
the disease was contagious.
though her fight was courageous,
with fowl cholera biddy was stricken.
"
"my poor henhouse, perched under the trees,
is the scene for a dreadful disease
called fowl pest or fowl plague.
its dire symptoms, not vague,
are destroying my stock by degrees.
"
"the fourth ventricle, deep in your brain,
plays a role that is rather mundane.
spinal fluid flows through
its flat cavity; you
can't rely on it keeping you sane.
"
"sick and tired of the food in this region,
i am joining the french foreign legion.
no more coke-filled canteen;
i'll eat sparkling cuisine!
(now i've joined, and our cook is norwegian.)
"
"i can't fence; someone's stolen my sword,
and a new one i cannot  afford,
so i'll check every fence.
stolen goods they dispense,
and perhaps 'twill be cheaply restored.
"
"""that old bone i dug up is a fossil.""
""from a dinosaur?  fierce and colossal?""
""no, but large (for a rabbit),
it once did inhabit
minorca. i'd guess it was docile.""
"
"all my studies combine the technology
of chemistry, physics, biology.
and my treatise on worms
in molecular terms
sheds new light on our planet's ecology.
"
"""this letter is great! where'd you find it?""
""it's a forgery. still, i don't mind it.
see? the signature says:
'john f. kennedy, prez.'
it was really my uncle who signed it.""
"
"i've been teaching here since the school's founding,
and the sins of its staff are abounding.
sex with students is rife
(what they call ""campus life""),
and neglect of their learning's astounding.
"
"now we've formalized (fixed) gene's agreement.
he'll get twenty percent?that's what he meant.
we won't need an excuse;
if he doesn't produce,
we will cook the guy's goose?that's what we meant.
"
"though its brevity makes it seem strange,
it's a way to say foreign exchange.
need some euros in borex?
i'll help you with forex?
a currency swap i'll arrange.
"
"jake's a forger. this guy's on the take.
phony documents ably he'll make,
or he'll bang out false wills,
or false twenty-buck bills;
false prescriptions as well. all are fake.
"
"to play flapdragon, one must be brazen,
bravin' liquor that's actually blazin',
to pluck from that brandy,
and gobble like candy
a hot, floating plum or a raisin.
"
"""though i've spent many years as a rafter,""
announced taft, to both cheering and laughter,
""now i've shifted to sail.
i'll be seen at the rail
of a schooner?a large fore-and-after.""
"
"when she paid for her trek in quebec,
seems that kate had foredated her check.
dated six months ago,
is it good? i don't know!
she's a nuisance, a pain in the neck.
"
"bridey prior aspired to acquire
her attire at low cost?that means fire
sale prices. she paid
bottom rates in the trade,
and, unswayable, never bid higher.
"
"never shy when approaching a dame,
dave moves forwardly, taking good aim.
should she say he's too bold,
he won't quit; he won't fold.
free of shame, he'll continue the game.
"
"when our fort fell, we knew we'd been wrong:
we had held back our fire for too long.
the encounter was mortifying!
our new leadership, fortifying,
makes sure our defenses are strong.
"
"""i awaited her visit so gladly
'cause i loved the young gold-digger madly,
but she led my affections
in ugly directions,""
cried bradley, forlornly (that's sadly).
"
"the gop's searching its soul.
are there voters out there to cajole?
can they capture the proles
to succeed at the polls?
sounding kindhearted might play a role.
"
"ike fisher's career wasn't big.
did the ballplayer think it a dig
when the team said, ""the rookie
is a pretty sharp cookie,""
and gave him the nickname of ""fig""?
"
"said the beau to his chum in segovia:
""a foveola's just a wee fovea.
not a split or a slit,
but a small depressed pit,
like the dent on the nose of my novia.""
"
"our troops will foregather (assemble)
with a fierceness that makes them resemble
those indigenous tribes
whose belligerent vibes
broadcast ""run for your lives!"" as foes tremble.
"
"he was ancient, but not mesozoic,
and some greeks might have judged him heroic.
cleanthes: his name,
and his great claim to fame:
once a boxer, then athens' chief stoic.
"
"in the murk, one can't see through the fog.
what's that creature perched there on a log?
seems it wants me to kiss it;
in the mist, i may miss it,
but?smack?it's a prince, not a frog!
"
"all our thinking takes place in our forebrains.
they are active and really top-drawer brains.
there our dreams, every movement,
and each new self-improvement
are born; guess that's why i adore brains!
"
"as the fetus develops, its forebrain
is the part of that wonders-in-store brain
that someday will think,
make a blink, take a drink.
it's the front, and behind it is more brain.
"
"i'm preparing this mixture called forcemeat:
meat with veggies, chopped fine (it's not coarse meat).
try my farce! i'm not bluffing;
you can use it for stuffing,
and no, it's pure pork, and not horsemeat.
"
"though you've worked very hard on your dance,
lance foredooms it; it hasn't a chance.
when he exits the womb
in jet?s to the tomb,
it will flop?i can tell at a glance.
"
"it is called the coccygeal dimple.
just a dip in the skin?it's so simple:
the coccygeal foveola,
not a ring-like areola,
is a dent in the rear, not a pimple.
"
"my cousin from east oklahoma
has developed a ewing's sarcoma.
this handsome young dancer
has a dangerous cancer
that's spreading throughout the guy's soma.
"
"having forethought means planning ahead,
like in making a hand-woven spread:
i've got fibers spun tight.
if i don't prepare right,
all the threads on the bedspread may shred.
"
"""your foregut,"" said jackie, with tact,
""is your gastrointestinal tract
that begins at your mouth
and proceeds to go south
to your bile duct?no farther, in fact!""
"
"i'm a foreign correspondent, so please,
understand that i work overseas.
i send news from abroad
and i'm sure you'll be awed
and applaud my report on french cheese.
"
"you've got four feet? why, then you have forefeet?
two forefeet?but no, not two more feet.
making six! i'll be blunt:
they're the two in the front.
jumping down, they're the first-on-the-floor feet.
"
"""several grasses have spikelets like brushes
that look foxy,"" says jane as she flushes.
""they are sharp and not plush-like,
but spiky and brushlike.""
(she just thinks about foxtails and blushes.)
"
"to learn what goes on neath our hats,
there's a science variety that's
keen on using technology.
experimental psychology
studies humans by working with rats.
"
"dave and i both got rashes called favus
of the scalp. it's a gift our pal gave us?
seems this fungus is catching.
we're itching and scratching;
let's hope that our doctor can save us.
"
"it's a fact that i just can't ignore, mother:
each ancestress of yours is a foremother,
and in all of our cells,
mom, her legacy dwells
in the genes that were furnished by your mother.
"
"all my friends seem to think i'm a creep
'cause i'm teaching my baby to sleep.
i deny that i err;
i shall ferberize her,
as the method's effective and cheap.
"
"as i've not kept up payments, god knows,
on my mortgage, i'm led to suppose
that neglect has a cost:
yes, my house may be lost
when the bankers decide to foreclose.
"
"what is forceful has strength; it's effective,
but the goals it achieves are selective.
whether forcefulness will
cause us good or bring ill
may depend on its wielder's objective.
"
"my friend philip insists he has forefathers,
and he honestly seems to adore fathers.
they're his ancestors, he
firmly states?but for me
one's enough.  i don't want any more fathers.
"
"i ask, ""will a cow eat a cow lily?
does she look at the plant as a chow-lily?
does she find it nutritious?
auspicious? delicious?
and finding one, bellow 'how now, lily?'""
"
"""i'll okay this blind date, but take care
that the lady is fair. i'm aware
that you're fair in selecting,
so a doll i'm expecting.
is she dazzling?"" ""she's so-so; she's fair.""
"
"my wife's pregnant.  we work for big blue.
when our twins are born, here's what we'll do:
name them ""i.b."" and ""em.""
folks will sure notice them!
they'll be company kids through and through.
"
"the farmstead our realtor found
had six buildings, all sturdy and sound,
barns for livestock, fine view?
till a wildfire came through
and the buildings all burned to the ground.
"
"sally served an enjoyable drink.
it was wine made from red grapes?i think
that's what sally had said?
but the wine wasn't red.
she'd served blush wine; its color was pink.
"
"ren?e fleming: the beauty and grace
of her acting, her figure and face,
and her flexible voice
make this diva my choice.
among singers, she merits first place.
"
"mel brooks, king of comical arts,
in his films plays remarkable parts;
but his face isn't seen
on the great silver screen
in that scene of the famed cowboy farts.
"
"the candidate michael dukakis
tried to please us?not really to shock us?
when he rode in a tank.
credibility sank.
he sighed, ""bush used those photos to mock us.""
"
"""what on earth,"" mary asked, ""can compare
to a graceful and spare flying mare?""
""what? a horse that can soar?
""no, in wrestling, you floor
your opponent, flipped up in the air.""
"
"fork over,  fork up, and fork out?
what are these three expressions about?
they are three ways to say
that you really must pay.
i've asked quietly.  now i must shout.
"
"my mother-in-law has a history
of forming a large familistery.
the word means ""a troop
like a family group,
and with rules."" why she did is a mystery!
"
"""you will never epistolize me?
not your follower; never will be,""
cried my colleague, once docile.
""get another apostle!""
(i just wanted to write her, you see.)
"
"caspar's nasty at home and in class,
and he giggles in church during mass.
he reads grandfather's mail
and he pulls the cat's tail.
he's an equal-opportunity ass.
"
"my fatherlessness makes me feel blue.
dad's deceased and my mom's dying too.
with her death i'll be morphin'
(a bona fide orphan).
adopt me; my dad will be you.
"
"""he's a foreigner?right??from afar,
clad in clothing outlandish, bizarre.
was he born in bombay?
mandalay?"" ""san jose!""
""hell, i thought him a czar from dakar.""
"
"my guy's politics? yes, they're far-right.
with my viewpoint agreement is slight.
he's an old hardline tory,
whose standpoint's so hoary,
about politics nightly we fight.
"
"it's a tree, and its bark looks like cork
that's been folded or stroked by a fork.
it's called chinese cork oak,
and i tell asian folk
that they won't find it here in new york.
"
"my blind date, sad to state, was a doozy.
she was dressed like a harlot?a floozy.
though her dime-store perfume
filled the air of each room,
i could still smell her breath, which was boozy.
"
"a fornicatress is, says the bard,
an adultress whose life may be hard,
and her fate caught in deadlock.
she has sex out of wedlock;
if she's caught, her repute will be marred.
"
"as my thanksgiving gravy i'm mixing,
this thought comes to mind, though i'm nixing
asking dad?it sounds jerky:
""when i'm roasting a turkey,
there are fixings, but is there one fixing?""
"
"these are foothills; we climb them with ease.
they're not mountains like alps, pyrenees,
hindu kush, the cascades,
nor our cliffs (palisades).
we just saunter uphill through the trees.
"
"jason's love verses seemed ostentatious,
and their language obscurely salacious.
was it civil to utter
that my voice is like butter?
he called my sweet sighs butyraceous.
"
"neath the breastplate this armor is placed:
strips of metal together are laced.
it is known by the old
scottish word meaning ""fold.""
faulds protect a knight's hip and his waist.
"
"now, at eighty, i've lost some motility,
but i write with accustomed facility.
so i'll keep my tranquility
as long as senility
hasn't rotted away my ability.
"
"facing facts doesn't make me remorseless?
poor resources make mighty men forceless.
feeling feeble or weak,
outside aid they may seek,
like king richard who found himself horseless.
"
"the horse that stan bought from a parsee
now is sick with an ailment called farcy
or cutaneous glanders.
it no longer meanders;
now its life's upside-down, arsy-varsy.
"
"think of father-lasher; do you then wish
you could flagellate dad with a swish?
before aiming to maim,
be aware it's the name
of a sculpin?a tail-thrashing fish.
"
"pete collected his fossils secretively?
his last specimen added completively.
then he named each division
with careful  precision
and sorted all species discretively.
"
"""i had thought my new suitor was rich,
but he gave me a diamond which
he declared was first water!""
cried my boneheaded daughter.
""now the jerk's, with his ring, in a ditch.""
"
"these neurons protect us quite well.
they're the ones that sense taste and sense smell:
our superb chemosensory
nerves. (reprehensory
rants follow smells that repel.)
"
"in the first part of life, the skull grows,
and feels soft, as each grandmother knows.
at the top of the head,
where the bones are still spread,
at the bregma, the softness best shows.
"
"archeologists study with keenness,
but at times have to use a form genus.
an unclassified fossil
can cause quandaries collosal,
so by form they're grouped?plumpness or leanness.
"
"in throes of desire that were mighty,
bridey sighed as i ripped off her nighty.
then she yelled when i knelt
by her chastity belt,
""lefty loosey, you fool! (righty tighty.)""
"
"your freedom of speech? exercisable!
you can use it. to stop you's despisable.
write ""headmaster's a fool""
on the walls of the school.
(i'm assuming your printing's disguisable.)
"
"all the neighbors see fit to applaud
the career of our young cousin claude,
but his parents are nervous.
the us foreign service,
they imagine, will send him abroad.
"
"when nate's record, unfairly, was smeared,
the election was lost, as i'd feared.
nate was greatly irate.
i said: ""save your rage, mate.
just accept your sad fate; dree your weird!""
"
"i've been recently told by my boss
i must dig a large moat?that's a fosse,
so i'm digging this ditch
in the ground, into which
we'll put water so foes cannot cross.
"
"as a judge, my son edison saw
that this medicine's useful in law.
forensic it's called,
and he's often appalled
at conclusions he finds he must draw.
"
"while exotery's obvious, boring,
so common it sets you to snoring,
you'll find esotery's not.
enigmatic, it's hot.
it's mysterious, gets you exploring.
"
"all his friends and his family rave:
""mort has fortitude,"" meaning he's brave,
faithful, steadfast and firm.
it's a suitable term,
though to duty i think he's a slave.
"
"hoist a light package?that's like a cork-lift;
if it rotates while hoisting?a torque-lift;
but to put on a barge
something heavy and large,
use a rig fitted out as a forklift.
"
"should you mention my foxiness, you'd
be implying i'm sexy, or shrewd,
or i'm stylish and chic;
so proceed and just  speak.
be assured that you will not be sued.
"
"here are sculptures of goddesses: luna?
she's the moon?and her neighbor, fortuna,
who brings luck, bad or good.
pray to her if you would
gain largesse from this female kahuna.
"
"if you squash a live ant with your finger,
there's an odor that often will linger.
formic acid you'll smell.
does your hand hurt like hell?
then the ant that you've  mashed has a stinger.
"
"if salvador dallies with you,
unless he's your husband?how true!?
if it's socially banned,
he's a fornicator, and,
understand: you're a fornicator too.
"
"our professor can always foresee
who will flunk his exams. we agree,
but there's also a twist:
if you're not on his list,
will you pass? well, that's no guarantee.
"
"many vertebrates treasure their forelimbs
(they're the two in the front?they've got more limbs),
and they use this lead limb
to attack, dig, or swim.
when they do, they're at times left with sore limbs.
"
"those who fornicate haven't been wed
to the guy or the gal who's in bed
for today's copulation.
why not take a vacation?
make love to your own spouse instead?
"
"these small tremors, i'm sure, are all foreshocks.
they'll be followed, i fear, by some more shocks.
when the earthquake arrives,
we'll all run for our lives
if we want to survive. i abhor shocks!
"
"my great-aunt, joan svoboda, is bold;
in the pushy dames league she's enrolled.
when her will she asserts,
she goes on till it hurts;
thus her forwardness oft is extolled.
"
"to brock's book i have written a foreword?
introductory piece?not one more word.
he complains i'm a jerk
and i've pushed his great work
on the glories of boating?well?shoreward.
"
"""i am reading a parenting book
for some help with this burden i took,
but he's worth all the bother,""
says the new foster father.
""for this kid i am learning to cook.""
"
"folks think vitis labrusca's divine;
we may eat them, sometimes, when we dine.
and we make jams and jellies
that gladden our bellies
from these fox grapes?but best is the wine
"
"she's not dy-kee, nor is she dee-kay.
seems that dee-kay'?s the way that you say
the name of ms fairness?
the goddess of squareness?
who pledges that crime doesn't pay.
"
"here's the cottage i picked in particular.
it has stucco-clad walls, perpendicular,
and a roof of dried thatch,
made from many a batch
of fine straw tied in clusters, fascicular.
"
"false membranes (like those seen in croup)
are apparent?just hear that kid whoop.
i'm afraid it's diphtheria,
caused by bacteria.
he needs medicine, not just hot soup.
"
"a forethoughtful fellow takes care
to prevent future pain and despair.
not complacent?instead,
he'll be thinking ahead.
for each prospect he likes to prepare.
"
"my swain's a farceur: he's a wag.
of his many bon mots he will brag.
but my father looks down
on the guy. ""he's a clown,
and his jokes,"" says my dad, ""make me gag.""
"
"false ribs? let me tell you?no jive?
i've got ten of them; each side has five.
look right here; you'll discern 'em.
they don't reach the sternum.
without 'em, i  guess i'd survive.
"
"lee and i cured four cats that were pee-less?
we are vets, though self-taught and degreeless.
when, for dogs, cures we've made,
we've sent bills and been paid,
but we don't charge for cats, as they're felis.
"
"edie's flea-bitten furnishings? these
are so covered with dust, you may sneeze,
while the chairs over there
seem beyond all repair.
this apartment's a portrait of sleaze.
"
"""you are under arrest!"" ollie hollers,
nabbing cash-grabbers?making two collars.
""hands up now!"" he demanded
when he caught them red-handed,
causing both to drop fistfuls of dollars.
"
"""though i'm grateful, of course, to the stranger,
there's a surfeit of straw in this manger.
of this barn i am wary;
it's a firetrap,"" said mary.
""it could burn?thus our baby's in danger.""
"
"first found on the isle of fayal
(not a very convenient locale),
this is fayalite, which
in iron is rich.
it's exciting and never banal.
"
"there's a very strange word, pronounced ""feer-ee-uh.""
to define it? opposing criteria.
for hispanics, a fair;
for the church, no fete there.
it's enough to cause chronic hysteria.
"
"it was latin-like, ancient, quite priscan?
the language that's known as faliscan,
and spoken so prettily
in long-ago italy.
did that tongue have a word for spheniscan?
"
"my new mixture?this cool formulation
for a salve?will create a sensation.
it rejuvenates skin;
you just rub a bit in.
in five minutes, complete transformation.
"
"for a squirrel, this rodent is big,
so it sits on a branch, not a twig.
it's less large than a fox,
or an owl's nesting box,
and it's nowhere near big as a pig.
"
"our fat pads, as cushions, work fine;
other functions are also benign.
if an elbow should swell,
what's the cause? who can tell?
radiologists look for their sign.
"
"on his birthday, lou hughes had the blues
'cause the firecrackers lou tried to use
wouldn't blow up when lit
""try new fuses,"" urged kit,
but the loser refused to re-fuse.
"
"if this market we want to demassify,
each product we'll first have to classify,
and use these details
to best target our sales.
then our bosses we're likely to pacify.
"
"i've hoped that i'd never estrange
you, by taking control to arrange
that your life remain cheerful,
but lately i'm fearful.
you're turning away from each change.
"
"tammy's salient characteristic:
her viewpoint; it's called familistic.
she puts family first
(self-absorption reversed):
""my kinfolk? they're not a statistic!""
"
"is this mineral found in kinshasa?
or tibet, in its capital, lhasa?
hardly! fassaite's found
in tyrol, right around
that fine valley the natives call fassa.
"
"clark kent is a guy who seems meek?
not a champion people would seek
if they're chased by a villain.
but he strips, and it's thrillin'.
a defender, is he, of the weak.
"
"my anatomy textbook has shown
this small hole in a skeletal bone,
so both experts and laymen
can find this foramen
with the help of its pictures alone.
"
"so you've purchased a house that's been flipped?
quickly stripped, then revamped, re-equipped?
are the floors made of hardboard,
or carpeted cardboard?
see the cracks in the walls? you've been gypped!
"
"if i have a fillet i must broil,
sue insists that i use fatty oil?
that's the oil that's called fixed.
all the others she's nixed:
""best for cooking; your meals will not spoil.""
"
"lots of names for this structure. in fact,
i prefer dorsolateral tract.
in the horn of each spine
(that includes yours and mine)
long nerve fibers are found, tightly packed.
"
"this family, deep in distress,
has a child diagnosed fas.
from his typical face,
can we guess in this case
that his mom drank while pregnant? well, yes.
"
"her field may be physics or chem,
but she also can sew up a hem.
she can close a big deal
and then cook a good meal.
she's for real; she's a woman?a femme.
"
"formosan?this word may not please
those who favor the term taiwanese,
but the folk on this island,
both lowland and highland,
are the ones with the most expertise.
"
"on my skin, bumps were always papillous,
red and angry, not gray and fibrillous.
the cause of my rashes?
exposure to ashes?
my eruptions, i found, were favillous.
"
"the sri lankan's sad fate is foregone.
his long journey ends here in taiwan,
as the captain declares
that our ship needs repairs
and he can't get the yacht to sail on.
"
"we just purchased a burglar alarm
for the buildings and fields of our farm,
so if thieves come around
we'll be warned by its sound
and our farmery won't endure harm.
"
"cried the butler: ""the eel that milady ate
was electric. i fear she'll eradiate
(she'll be shooting out) beams,
and be killed, so it seems.
she will die long before she is eighty-eight!""
"
"to balance your life, every day
equilibrize work time and play
lest you be a dull boy.
learn to stop and enjoy.
(no, the devil won't lead you astray.)
"
"the loom-worker lost all his weaverishness
when his temperature rose.  seems his feverishness
made his work lax and slobbish.
said his wife, who was sobbish,
""you're depleted of skill and achieverishness!""
"
"we may beat on a drum, blow a horn,
or cry out to tip off (to forewarn)
of a thrilling event.
thus the message was sent
when mom's labor began.  i was born!
"
"dwight's report, to my thinking, was frightful,
but our prof says his work is foresightful:
""in my view, this young student
is farseeing, prudent.""
dwight claimed i was just being spiteful.
"
"""something foveate's  dented or pitted,
like the skin of my cheek,"" i admitted.
""i used makeup to hide
that flawed skin from my bride,
and denied that my pride was half-witted.""
"
"""for your death i would like to prepare,""
i said. ""answer my question foursquare?
just be honest and frank.""
dad replied; my heart sank.
""for my fortune, you haven't a prayer.""
"
"use enjambment?  your phrase has to go
'cross a line break. the poem still will flow
if it's written quite care-
fully; rhythm is there,
fully following rules. yes, that's so
"
"the new job that her lover has taken
left the maiden abandoned and shaken.
she complains every day
that he lives  far away.
she's bereft since he left?she's forsaken.
"
"late this year, when he's born, he will meet us;
as a teen or adult, he may beat us.
if he grows strong and tall
he may vanquish us all?
now in utero still, he's a fetus.
"
"in religions of ancient agrarians,
great enlil, prime god of sumerians,
caused a flood that you'll find
nearly drowned all mankind.
to my mind, he's a god for contrarians.
"
"to a fete i'm invited, a great
festive gala. i won't ask a date.
lee will be there; you'll  see.
it's a fait accompli:
we'll connect, 'cause it's destiny?fate!
"
"though it lessens wheels' splashing, my fender
has not quite the force to engender
in my heart or my mind
loving thoughts of the kind
i'd assign to the class that's called tender.
"
"fred's a fossil; he lives in the past.
he cries ""zounds!"" and ""gadzooks!"" when aghast
at this century's life.
with his drum and his fife
(and his wife) he's now happy at last.
"
"it's a sheet where you fill in the blanks
to please post office workers or banks.
form can also mean ""shape""
(as in ovoid for grape),
and means ""custom,"" like ways to say ""thanks.""
"
"the word fleapit's an odd sort of noun
for a seedy, decaying, rundown,
shabby movie house which
caters not to the rich
but the folks on the wrong side of town.
"
"i am often paid large honoraria
for my talks in this fish-loving area
where rare tetras are bred.
""check ph! cresol red
will ensure you have balanced aquaria.""
"
"""see that fire engine crew hose our shed
to extinguished the flames?"" teddy said.
""it was saved in a flash,
but our dwelling's just ash.
wish they'd hosed down our condo instead!""
"
"a young sailor, arrived with his sea bag,
said: ""i hear this hotel gives a free bag
of gifts to each guest!""
but he later confessed
that the place crawled with pests (yes, a fleabag).
"
"in his pocket, our dad keeps a flask.
to carry some brandy's its task.
it is thin, narrow-necked,
and i somehow suspect
he'd prefer to be toting a cask.
"
"to create an effect that is splashy,
cousin ashley wears clothes that are trashy.
""hell, you look like a floozy!""
says aunt sue, who is choosy.
""try something more modest, less flashy.""
"
"the fishmonger sells me my fish?
any kind in the world that i wish,
and my friends think it odd,
but he recommends scrod
as a filling to put in my knish.
"
"my remarkably chubby friend abby
has a belly and arms that are flabby.
though i feel she should diet,
and urge her to try it,
she fusses and sulks and gets crabby.
"
"cairina's a genus of duck,
but at only two species it's stuck:
cairina scutulata
and cairina moschata.
wait! a third has been added?what luck!.
"
"though outdoors  they may seem to do well,
fiercely flatulent folk, sad to tell,
when they're taken indoors?
sounds emerge from their drawers,
and the smell is just hell to dispel.
"
"of the argan you seldom will hear.
it's a tree found where grass is most sere.
though you won't find a taco
way out in morocco,
argan oil may on menus appear.
"
"many shops will respond to the call
to move out to the newly built mall.
they are drawn from afar
by this bright shining star:
anchor tenant?the magnet for all.
"
"this oddly shaped stone in my hand,
called a ben-ben, can help understand
egypt's genesis myth.
it's the rock where, forthwith,
primal waters first yielded to land.
"
"let us sing of bituminous coal,
made of carbon and dug from a hole.
once a widely used fuel
and industrial tool,
now it plays a less prominent part.
"
"in the treatment of sewage and waste,
we are finally left with a paste
used to fertilize fields;
and recycling thus yields
biosolids, organically based.
"
"in a marching band, if you aspire
to play music that all will admire,
play a glockenspiel and
you'll be heard o'er the band?
so just learn to command a bell lyre.
"
"for a soup that will fill you with glee,
take some mussels, scrubbed clean (that's the key),
heavy cream and white wine,
cook, then cool; when you dine,
you'll adore your first course: billi-bi.
"
"when i took on a cowhand, the battle
was correcting his oddly phrased prattle.
i've been trying to teach
him our western-style speech.
he says ""beeves""?that's his way to say cattle.
"
"when i got to his lab, all his gear
and his chemicals filled me with fear.
""watch me make bengal light;
it warns sailors at night.""
(geez, i thought it was some kind of beer!)
"
"to meet the exacting demands,
as your life and its compass expands,
adrenosterone can
make you feel like a man,
as it pours from those oddly shaped glands.
"
"i would not be surprised if you'd frown,
being dressed in a hospital gown,
in the surgical suite,
bottom-up on a sheet?
lying flat on the table, facedown.
"
"many rivers that flow here on earth
at their mouths meet the sea in a firth.
though the word's from old norse
it's used elsewhere, of course?
mostly scotland, the land of my birth.
"
"crystal ball? no, nor have i a prism
to predict whether fourierism
would be welcome or not
in our town, west lamotte,
or would broaching it lead to a schism.
"
"last christmas i searched very hard
for a gift for my boyfriend bernard?
a fine scarf of foulard.
by his gaffe it was marred.
guess this year i'll just send him a card.
"
"sue was orphaned and friendless, alone,
till her plight to aunt joan became known.
joan's kind fostering made
her more confident, played
a key role. how mature sue has grown!
"
"in a voice baritonal, he sang.
windows shattered and rafters all rang?
an unusual reader
of schubert's last lieder,
scant yin, but a whole lot of yang.
"
"in jamaica, the whole of a clan
went to see a magician named dan,
whom they royally paid
when their wealthy old maid
soon was wed (to their sly conjure man).
"
"said the driver who dented my fender
 and succeeded to quite badly bend 'er,
 ""this fender-bender dent
 will not cost you a cent.
 i am guilty, madame. i will mend 'er.""
"
"as a writer, jannine's unattractive
 because for long spells she's inactive.
 i suspect her work's shallowness
 is caused by this fallowness;
 i wish she were more interactive.
"
"jewish calendars? paul can recall
the month chislev occurs in the fall,
and can further remember
that it's much like november.
(it's autumn he loves most of all.)
"
"though aunt bea's eighty-three, seems that she's
wearing skirts that don't reach to her knees.
she's a true slave to fashion:
her miniskirt passion,
in winter, means beatie's legs freeze.
"
"deborah voigt sings fanciulla del west,
with both delicate feeling and zest.
i can then understand it?
how she falls for a bandit.
when she saves him, i cheer with the rest.
"
"this girl you describe, you etherealize?
make her heavenly?yes, dematerialize!
we've grown tired of your raving,
so just quit behaving
as if your great praises you'll serialize.
"
"some react to sol's wisdom with gratefulness,
while others denounce it with hatefulness.
all free will he has nixed:
""human destiny's fixed.
kismet governs our lives! that is fatefulness.""
"
"if to grandma's we go for a visit,
we will bring her a gift that's exquisite:
a delightful bouquet?
a fine floral display.
it's not snowing today, again, is it?
"
"my professor described the rotation
of a beam's plane of polarization.
the faraday effect
is its name. (i have checked
and, if needed, can give a citation.)
"
"betty sought an unusual pet,
and she asked me what kind she should get.
from my pet shop referral
came a young flying squirrel
that she loved just as soon as they met.
"
"""to bump off is to hit or to whack,""
said the mafia don. ""we've the knack.
for a payoff that's hefty,
we'll rub out big lefty?
want him shot in the head or the back?""
"
"""once, in turkey, each guy wore a fez.
they're so sexy!"" cried cousin inez.
""it was tasseled and red,
and would sit on his head,
but it's now out of style, my book says.""
"
"a surgeon performing abortion
found a rare and severe disproportion
that resulted in bleeding;
he stopped it, proceeding
with a deftly performed acutorsion.
"
"when my cow calved, the birth went quite well,
and the calf's birthday party was swell.
my friend karl came with kate.
she's his short-skirted date;
she's a finely calved mademoiselle.
"
"the head housekeeper, wearing a duster,
looked so modest, i thought i could trust her;
then i happened to tread
on her newly made bed.
she took aim and said, ""run for it, buster!""
"
"my son's brainsick; he's crazy, insane,
and he gives me an' momma a pain.
screws are loose neath his hat;
in his belfry's a bat.
he's a nut and a nut he'll remain!
"
"a deeply tanned lifeguard, alphonse,
looked handsome?so beautifully bronze.
all the girls would start clowning,
and pretend to be drowning?
ever heard of such strange goings-ons?
"
"a breathalyzer caused ruby's fall.
she was stopped in her car, near the mall.
in a tube ruby blew,
and the gauge read "".2"";
they arrested her?handcuffs and all.
"
"first she served me a plate of spaghetti,
then a freshly baked apple brown betty.
to the meal, my reaction
was utmost attraction?
erotic as d. g. rossetti.
"
"my uncle got crazier and crazier,
his grasp on reality hazier.
auntie burst into tears
when he filched her brassieres;
he was grilling her bras on a brazier.
"
"brogans are coarsely made shoes,
like the footwear that laborers use.
not as easy to handle
as slipper or sandal,
they're not very good on a cruise.
"
"that hairdo is quite a sensation.
i'd like to express approbation.
you've placed your reliance
on the marvels of science?
a biomimetic creation!
"
"amianthum?this plant may surprise.
it is useful for poisoning flies.
if it's mashed up and spread,
it will render flies dead;
but take care. keep it out of your eyes.
"
"the king held his sword, a curtana,
the size of a large, blunt banana.
""it's my weapon of mercy,""
cried newly crowned percy,
""from ed the confessor. hosanna!""
"
"here's the reason for this little rhyme:
i'm confused about physics and i'm
giving focused attention
to our world's fourth dimension?
my professor persuades me it's time.
"
"she comes in with her whole entourage.
on her dress is an orchid corsage,
but the flowers can't hide
what swells up from inside
of her deeply cut d?colletage.
"
"said a dandelion (weed on the lawn),
""many jests has my moniker drawn.
don't make fun of my name?
that's so boring and lame!""
(teeth of lions appeared in her yawn.)
"
"i like to go sailing a lot.
i've been boating since i was a tot.
once my wife?she's a bitch?
tied me up with a hitch.
""it's a perfect,"" she said, ""cuckold's knot!""
"
"a pirate with bilbo in hand
can against many enemies stand,
then induce the battalions
that guard spanish galleons
to relinquish the vessels' command.
"
"abdominal migraine? i wonder?
has that brought my daughter asunder?
she threw up?what a mess!
if it's just cvs,
guess the surgeon committed a blunder.
"
"since our childhood, our mother has kept us
in the dark, and she never has prepped us
to understand life,
be a husband or wife?
we thought storks brought each mom a conceptus.
"
"its m.o. isn't quickly forgotten?
this bug that can render crops rotten.
in young cotton bolls
it produces large holes,
and its colors leave stains on the cotton.
"
"this darned name that i'd like to escape
has involved me in many a scrape.
i'm a plant that yields oil
that tastes good and won't spoil.
call me coleseed; it's better than rape!
"
"a dreadnought's a large armored ship;
in the ""war to end wars"" it was hip.
with its great heavy guns
our brave nephews and sons
sent our foes on a bottomward trip.
"
"the guinea worm under your skin
may come up through a hole in your shin,
and it's not a homunculus,
but a worm called dracunculus
that causes enduring chagrin.
"
"""we went home, on the night we were wed,
to relax on the soft double bed
in our new london flat,
but we soon had a spat.
i retired to a mat in the shed.""
"
"a pugnacious sir francis thus spake:
""seems a duck that's a male is a drake.
can i ever gain fame
with a name that's so lame?
must i change it (or bake some great cake)?""
"
"""are my clothes out of style?"" blurted gert.
""donnie called me a dowdy. i'm hurt!""
i replied, ""use good sense;
you should not take offense,
as a dowdy's a tasty dessert.""
"
"my opponent is stubborn, unyielding;
he is doggedly rigid, and wielding
a sharply honed wit.
will i cave, and submit?
that i doubt, as his insults i'm fielding.
"
"they had plans to be housewives for life
when they married, but marriage brought strife.
displaced homemakers say
they need jobs with good pay?
divorc?es have less cash than a wife.
"
"in the '30s, when theaters we'd pass,
a sign would read: ""offer?first class!
come tonite?dishes free
with admission!"" they'd be
giving handouts?depression-type glass.
"
"melvil dewey, the famous librarian,
died at eighty, an octogenarian,
and since then, we have missed 'im.
his decimal system
is used from tacoma to darien.
"
"it's in corn syrup, also in honey,
and confections that cost lots of money.
it's dextrose i mean,
and not dextrous. i'm keen
that we spell the word right, and not funny.
"
"my hair's uncontrollable (flyaway),
so from parties and banquets i shy away.
at my wedding buffet
hairs went so astray
that we had to throw many a pie away.
"
"the address on the letter was wrong,
but the post office service was strong.
at my earlier pad
my old landlord (good lad)
was the forwarder  (sent it along).
"
"when my son-in-law asked, ""what's a fangle?""
i replied, ""jack, the truth i won't mangle.
it's a bauble; it's bling,
but a newly made thing,
like an oddly shaped gold plastic bangle.""
"
"your new friend likes to boast epicurism,
but i think it is just immaturism.
though he claims to have taste
that's esthetically based,
i abhor his pathetic cocksurism.
"
"you will find it just south of the bone
called the sternum?this aptly named zone.
epigastric it's called.
you look stumped; i'm appalled.
seems your knowledge of greek you must hone.
"
"though a fanjet is large and it's noisy,
it will get you from dallas to boise
in a fast-moving plane.
but it wouldn't be sane,
from noo yawk, if you hopped one to joisey.
"
"said our botany prof, ""on this quad
there's a fanweed; observe its flat pod.""
i inquired, ""good to eat?""
""well, its smell isn't sweet?
like soiled feet. it's a warning from god.""
"
"a courser, to me, is a horse,
so that caused some confusion, of course;
i became an endorser
of the cream-colored courser,
an error that led to remorse.
"
"children learned how to read, long ago
from a hornbook; there's one in this show.
see the christcross ahead
of the letters outspread?
it's a neat and complete christcross row.
"
"teaching manners to kids may be hard;
their responses may catch you off guard.
i advised that when meeting
new arrivals, one's greeting
should include a polite calling card.
"
"inside of your mouth, i see spots.
they're like little red pimples; you've lots.
an enanthem, it's called;
as your doc, i'm appalled?
it's a rash i see mostly in tots.
"
"you've a rash on your back and your chest?
an exanthem. i'm very impressed.
you've got chickenpox, fred.
now go home and to bed,
but before you depart, please get dressed.
"
"cynara's a genus of thistle,
with spikes that can prick as they bristle.
what makes them incredible?
some species are edible.
mom nature's great works make us whistle!
"
"though she's fussy, i thought she would purr
(my dear wife) when i bought her this fur?
an authentic baum marten.
she complained, ""it's too spartan.""
now we're partin'. there's no pleasing her!
"
"the dynam's a unit, i've found,
of work. all the kids i'll astound?
here's a pound; i'll apply
force to lift it as high
as twelve inches. voil?, a foot-pound!
"
"to the mountains we went in pursuit
of the highly prized plant costus root,
buried deep in the soil.
we obtained costus oil
as our booty. that root is a beaut!
"
"we served vodka?or so the girls claimed?
without saying so. thus we were blamed
when the girls drank the fortified
punch and  were mortified?
they'd stripped and were later ashamed.
"
"what is forthrightness? telling the truth,
like my dentist, confronting a youth,
who remarked when he spotted
a molar half-rotted:
""i'm afraid i must  pull that spoiled tooth!""
"
"we may say, if its plantings are spacious,
and it's leafy and green (foliaceous):
""what a beautiful garden!""
but the word (beg your pardon)
can describe certain rocks.  goodness gracious!
"
"would gogol have googled if he
were alive in this age of tv
and computers? i guess
that the answer is yes,
and that, googly-eyed, he'd agree.
"
"use a flyswatter, ample in size,
if you're wishing to squish nasty flies.
they're persistent, they're pesty,
and they render one testy.
neglecting these beasts isn't wise.
"
"our daylight is light from the sun,
but that meaning of daylight?'s but one.
seems that daylights, when livin',
can be knocked out. you're given
a beating?out cold when it's done.
"
"see the flight corps above in a fly-by!
in formation their planes dot the high sky.
we, the fans down below,
are amazed at the show
and feel sad when we have to wave bye-bye.
"
"when the care of an infant's perverted,
the public becomes disconcerted.
there's much worry about
the poor foundling?cast out,
and forsaken, abandoned, deserted.
"
"my life was a mess?full of stress;
i was headed for hell, more or less,
till that night, at a dance,
when we met, found romance.
happy chance! 'twas fortuitousness, tess.
"
"when we sweat in response to humidity,
perspiration appears with fluidity.
from our sweat glands it flows,
making stains on our clothes?
not our favorite kind of liquidity.
"
"the crustacean edriophthalma
met the film maker brian de palma,
who exclaimed as they talked,
""hey, your eyes are not stalked.
was your mom dolly varden, a malma?""
"
"as his views he's been prone to dramaticize,
bill would work up the crowd; he'd fanaticize.
he would set them aflame:
 ""china's evil!"" he'd claim.
every ill he'd indeed asiaticize.
"
"bathysiderodromophobia's what
my psychiatrist says that i've got.
so don't be a crab,
just call me a cab?
ride subways is what i cannot.
"
"we produced the new play under stress.
the first night didn't score a success.
all the critics were hating
the show. the cast rating
was castrating, just as you'd guess.
"
"seems your blood's poorly fed and emaciated.
for that reason, you're weak and feel glaciated.
unless you can nourish
your blood, you won't flourish.
anaemotrophy's left you unsatiated.
"
"chaetopoda: worms that are spiny.
most are small, while some others are tiny.
some inhabit the soil
where they wriggle and roil,
while marine ones reside in the briny.
"
"i love angling and going on tours
where we flyfish (go fishing with lures).
caught a flyfish?large size?
by surprise; won a prize.
to this day, my old record endures..
"
"do your gonads complain of depletions?
what you need is a hike in secretions.
fsh boosts each tryst,
so your concubine list
will not suffer depressing deletions.
"
"dr. black gave a very long speech
about trees?twenty minutes on each:
the black larch, the black oak,
the black hemlock (no joke!),
the black hickory, and   the black beech.
"
"he's a fountainhead?yes?of suggestion;
he's a source that can solve any question.
my buddy, big al,
is as chummy a pal
as that great alexander's hephaestion.
"
"what's food science? the study of food.
customarily i'm in the mood
to research how it changes
in ovens, on ranges,
or skewer and roasted, or stewed.
"
"a part of the actor's biography
was a carefully written filmography
that included each role
he had played, on the whole?
but omitted his stint in pornography.
"
"ray was whimsical, simpering gaily,
as he tiptoed onstage, lightly, feyly.
he was dressed like an elf
and, in spite of himself,
now behaves like a leprechaun daily.
"
"ammotragus: this creature will creep
right into your dreams while you sleep,
where it roams wild and free,
just as you'd like to be.
it's an aoudad, a barbary sheep.
"
"when fish lay their eggs (acting spawnal),
they increase living things that are faunal.
though increasing what's floral
would not be immoral,
i prefer what's mammalian or prawnal.
"
"what occurs deep inside of a cell?
fluids circulate?liquid and gel?
that is known as cyclosis.
it will pause for mitosis,
then begin in the new cell as well.
"
"thus a cyclist in flint sadly spoke:
""my front tire has a gash?it's no joke.
as my funds from dad's will
fast diminish to nil,
with this bicycle bill i'm flat broke.""
"
"to accomplish our ends, we compete;
the test ends when our dance is complete.
so let's swing our rear ends?
we may beat all our friends.
if we win, we can make both ends meet.
"
"this flower?barleria obtusa?
wasn't grown by the ancients in susa.
in south africa found,
now bush violets abound
round the world, from rangoon to azusa.
"
"is it  fever that follows a fall,
like a tumble from up on a wall?
no, it's leptospirosis
(a dire diagnosis).
in springtime, it also may call.
"
"my blind date? she was mute as a dummy,
and as stiff as a tightly wound mummy.
expecting exanimateness,
i was shocked by the animateness
i found once we two became chummy.
"
"i've a friend who likes working in zoos,
and this pal's often part of the crews
who retrieve beasts gone loose.
he's been gored by a moose
and been kicked by some crude kangaroos.
"
"""all my friends do it!""  mom replies: ""if
they all jumped, would you leap from a cliff?
don't play follow the leader!""
i decided to heed her,
and thus we avoided a tiff.
"
"though my grandfather fancies he's clever?
the most brainy of esthetes born ever?
he is not really smart.
when his art lectures start,
folks depart and remark: ""well, i never!""
"
"a person who's merciful?kind
to his neighbors?is often inclined
to be clement, forgiving.
it's live-and-let-live-ing.
such guys are not easy to find.
"
"a competitor? bart's one at heart.
he is quick, and he's crafty and smart.
while i'm still in my seat
he is off to compete.
coach calls it a fine flying start.
"
"it's unlikely to bark or to whinny;
plump and puffy, it won't appear skinny.
i know you are dying
to encounter a flying
phalanger out here in new guinea.
"
"when i write to my half-brother tom,
my sex life's described with aplomb.
but my secrets, no doubt,
are sent on. i found out
that he forwards my letters to mom.
"
"my wife bought a dog, a fox terrier.
now of dog food and treats she's a ferrier.
that's the breed i admire:
not a smooth but a wire?
lots of work, but no pet could be merrier.
"
"fortepianos were great.  they allowed
playing loudly; musicians were proud.
these same pianists oft
had a need to sound soft,
and their instruments still pleased the crowd.
"
"""yes, my pain is financial,"" cried driscoll.
""i have ventured my cash, and the risk'll
cause ruin, i fear,
by the end of the year.
goodness knows all my woes have been fiscal.""
"
"these blood vessels aren't artistic;
they're so plain, one might think them simplistic,
yet in either a clot
makes one's gall bladder rot?
vein and artery, both are called ""cystic.""
"
"fred discovered this matter with dread:
seems his life?it now hung by a thread.
this at first had seemed dire,
but he didn't perspire.
'twas bifilarly hanging instead.
"
"when you ask me for money, i lend
you amounts that you rapidly spend.
now i hear from my friends:
""sally never intends
to repay those loans.""  heaven forfend!
"
"the pastor, a good friend of mine
who, though elderly, functions just fine,
says he plans to keep preaching,
and helping, and teaching
till reaching the end of the line.
"
"ancient egypt had sites full of tombs.
abydos came first, one presumes,
with hundreds of mummies
(some rolled on their tummies)
in dozens of underground rooms.
"
"foster parents who act with discretion
and avoid any hint of oppression
can engender success.
loving care, i would guess,
often lessens the chance of transgression.
"
"diarthrosis is one of the kinds
of joints which in mammals one finds.
an example's the wrist.
if it breaks, i'll insist:
use a cast or a bandage that binds.
"
"a detestable beast, you'll agree,
is the blood-sucking, itch-causing flea.
it will bite any mammal,
from police chief to camel,
or drink bird blood like afternoon tea.
"
"although thomas, by birth, was a swiss,
he spoke silver-tongued, glib cheremis
with some girl scouts from mari.
when one fell, he felt sorry
and gave her a brotherly kiss.
"
"dick arranged all his corn stalks particularly:
erect on the floor perpendicularly,
then bundled his sticks
(all seventy-six)
in a tightly wrapped cluster, fascicularly.
"
"here's your change; seems i owe you one more quarter,
or i've charged you too much for this forequarter
of fresh beef?chuck, ribs, shank,
brisket, plate (but not flank).
many thanks. wait, i've found it. there's your quarter!
"
"""joe, your poems have a formalized style.""
said a critic, ""and after a while,
they seem lifeless and ashen.
 don't be slave to one fashion.
diversify! readers will  smile!""
"
"chemosensitive creatures sense change
in chemistry. noting a range
of transformed situations,
they react to sensations.
mother nature's creations are strange.
"
"a form letter (one that's been crafted
to be copied for many, and drafted
for mass circulation)
may bring gratification,
or sometimes brings news that you're shafted.
"
"what is formic's related to ants?
yes, those insects you find among plants,
in the grass and, what's more,
on your new kitchen floor,
although certainly not in your pants.
"
"""your fosterage, ma'am,"" stated sam.
""has made me the man that i am.
i was reckless and wild.
then as your foster child,
i, beguiled, became mild as a lamb.""
"
"your front and rear lawns are immense,
yet you've circled them.  sure, this tall fence
of barbed wire round the yard
means intruders are barred,
but it's hard to defend the expense.
"
"there once was a woodsman who had a
great buckthorn, and felt it was sad a
drug his tree produces
upsets gastric juices?
you'll get runs from cascara sagrada.
"
"this is feldspar, quite common, i trust,
as it's sixty percent of earth's crust.
on the moon and on mars
it is found (but not stars),
""and for cleaning,"" adds mom, ""it's a must!""
"
"are these throw-away kids we can spare?
is their treatment humane? is it fair?
for the children not blessed
with good homes, do your best
to provide them with good foster care.
"
"poor and orphaned, my schoolmate jerome
had been batted from fairbanks to nome
till a couple named flynn
took the troubled boy in.
he found love in this fine foster home.
"
"the soldiers behaved with brutality.
they assaulted with deadly finality,
then they left us bereaved.
we filled out, as we grieved,
the long death list?a last sad formality
"
"if you keep gaining weight, you may  wish you
could find a quick fix for this issue.
extra adipocytes
make you look bad in tights.
try a diet to fight fatty tissue.
"
"giles is smiling?i've got a suspicion
that his project has reached its fruition.
his work has succeeded;
he found what he needed.
indeed, he's accomplished his mission.
"
"all ten crates hold my paintings. these four
are my best, though i own many more.
here's manet and renoir,
and matisse, but by far
it's this klee i most deeply adore.
"
"fuzzy teddies, by kids, are held dear.
fuzzy concepts are really unclear.
they are mixed up and muddled,
which can leave you befuddled.
warm and fuzzy's how love will appear.
"
"my dad often calls me a futz
(that's a fool). it's a usage that cuts.
he says reasons abound;
that i just futz around,
i'm as idler as well as a klutz.
"
"reading frankenstein, written by shelley,
was so scary i turned into jelly.
as a movie it seems
to cause nightmarish dreams,
as we find when it's played on the telly.
"
"""kangaroos, i believe, are fetiparous,
and they don't have large broods (they're uniparous).
yes, the norm is one joey
per birth,"" declared zoe,
""but they also, at times, are pluriparous.""
"
"on the fairway, a golf ball attack!
i was hit with a terrible crack,
and the ball smacked my dorsum.
my golf-buddy foursome
went on forward, ignoring my back.
"
"when her grandmother died, trish would gush:
""i've inherited funds, and i'm flush!""
when dad warned: ""don't be brash
about just-acquired cash,""
she'd feel truly abashed, and would blush.
"
"after using the toilet, i flush,
and the water comes down in a rush.
when it swirls in an eddy,
it makes me feel heady?
i'm so flustered, i'm ready to blush.
"
"though he seemed like a harmless old vagrant,
wearing clothes that were ancient and fragrant,
he would pick people's pockets,
pinch bracelets and lockets.
his criminal actions were flagrant.
"
"my earthquake gown? now it's complete,
long and loose from my neck to my feet.
should the earth start to shake,
i'd stay warm through the quake,
while i spent the whole night in the street.
"
"in his school days, pete found every teacher
agreed he would make a good preacher.
though he lacked the vocation,
his skill at oration
was, they said, his most prominent feature.
"
"i must formulate (shape systematically)
better rules, 'cause we function erratically.
with six chefs in our kitchen,
there's fightin' and bitchin'?
cuisines are not shaped democratically.
"
"we'll have lunch at the fake food buffet:
that's where replica foods rule the day.
though the dishes are fake,
and they note what we take,
what we choose won't affect what we weigh.
"
"the boss's new girlfriend, a doxy,
dresses modestly?suits are grey, boxy.
she conceals both her beauty
and brains. ""it's my duty!""
she's sly, so in two ways she's foxy.
"
"""i found panties,"" the newlywed roars,
""in my dresser.  i'm guessing they're yours!
take them out!"" bellows he,
""or my bureau will be
turned into my wife's chest of drawers!""
"
"fasciolidae: family of flukes,
infectious in peasants and dukes.
on these worms parasitic,
there are tomes analytic,
but the patient has cramps and then pukes.
"
"the future's not present nor past,
it you wait, it will get here at last,
but it then will be now
(quite a trick, you'll allow),
but not never. ain't english a blast?
"
"chimeraplasty, used as a means
to revise dna in our genes,
may be helpful in healing.
we're really not dealing
with turning sardines into beans!
"
"in music, my offspring's well-versed,
and this symphony isn't his first.
what my son wrote before
all the critics abhor.
now they're saying: ""this piece is his worst!""
"
"""can i get you a sweet chinese date?"",
he inquires. ""maybe seven or eight?""
so my head twirls and swirls;
that's just too many girls!
then he hands me eight dates on a plate.
"
"dna in your chromosomes dwells,
in the nuclei, deep in your cells.
have you papa's blue eyes?
your great-grandmother's thighs?
cheeks that swell? well, it's breeding that tells.
"
"i'm in love with a handsome marquis;
in his uniform?something to see.
those tight trousers, you'll find,
show his comely behind,
and are topped by a clinging coatee.
"
"worked up to a feverish pitch,
she danced. with a flick of her switch
she pointed to those
whom, as witches, she chose?
abangoma, a smeller of witch.
"
"a cosset's a little pet lamb
that has recently come from its dam.
you should cosset yours while
it is small.  what a trial
when you pamper a fully grown ram!
"
"we started the fire with some tinder;
great fun till she fell and she skinned 'er
left shin. ""it's a sin,""
she remarked with chagrin.
""in my eye there's a troublesome cinder.""
"
"""the duration, in law, when we fight 'em?""
the attorney explained, ""that's ad litem.""
said his partner, ""we'll beat 'em.
i'm your lawyer ad litem.""
(who's pronouncing it wrong? i'll indict 'im!)
"
"the cerebral cortex: the gray?
it is there human reason holds sway.
when desires from the id
rise from where they've been hid,
superego will keep them at bay.
"
"""can you calculate fares to kolkata?
i will pay for the tickets pro rata.""
""here are twelve for calcutta,""
he heard the clerk mutter,
""but to price them, i'll need some more data.""
"
"at the sushi shop, eating sashimi?
there i sat and i flirted with mimi.
it's the place, my friends know,
where the bourgies all go,
so i'm hoping my neighbors won't see me!
"
"if mary's is big, how 'bout janet,
whose arse is as large as a planet?
two buttocks, like moons,
play celestial tunes
when she farts ? you'd best hope she don't fan it!
"
"though bacteroid (noun) is a term
for an oddly shaped kind of a germ
that is found on a root,
one of equal repute,
found in sewage and guts, makes me squirm.
"
"i'm so glad to be back in the groove!
with my microscope, now i can prove,
when the nucleus splits,
anaphasic means it's
toward the spindles that chromosomes move.
"
"as wastefulness is to economy,
and as black hole to white in astronomy:
two words, each one's meaning
is opposite-leaning,
a relationship known as antonymy.
"
"ametabola do not endure
metamorphosis, thus are secure
in their insect identities.
their newly hatched entities
are nymphs till they're fully mature.
"
"when antigens enter inside
your body, they can't really hide.
from the cells in your blood,
special proteins will flood ?
it's an allergy when they collide.
"
"here's a genus; it's called calandrinia.
not as gaudy a blossom as zinnia,
this smaller-bloomed herb
is by some thought superb,
not a weed that would cause coccydynia.
"
"the experience left her immiserated.
as a novice at hunting elissa rated.
when we pulled out the guts
of her deer, she went nuts
at the sight of the carcass, eviscerated.
"
"the scientist's major citation
was for arthrobranch study. aeration
performed by these gills
this key function fulfills:
respiration in every crustacean.
"
"because gabe suffers grave alcolasia,
his gait will resemble abasia.
he's constantly plastered.
says mom: ""jail the bastard!""
his brother suggests euthanasia.
"
"well, you might find your name in izvestia,
but not for excessive modestia.
reputation? quite sunk,
since you're often found drunk:
a notorious case of aplestia.
"
"if you fail to secure your computer,
then your files might be gone when you boot 'er.
if you open an app
with a backdoor or trap,
then a hacker could break in and loot 'er!
"
"it's a fact every girl-watcher knows
that a woman's the best of all shows.
the best are bikinied
and found in-betweenied
the beach and their favorite beaus.
"
"accommodate, don and chris showed,
is a cross between date and commode.
though my date thought it odious
in rooms incommodious,
i thought, ""after dinner, i'm owed!""
"
"he admonished those different from him
that their views were invalid, quite dim.
no such warning should cause
any person to pause,
but from dubya, it's terror-is-'im.
"
"this page is of interest, so
it is marked fyi. now you know
that you ought to peruse it.
you can always refuse it?
if it's worthless to you, let it go.
"
"when i've said: ""i feel full,"" i have stated
that i've eaten enough and feel sated.
don't continue to urge
me to snack.  i'll emerge
over-weighted and greatly inflated.
"
"when i felt that i really must go
pass my urine, my bladder said ""no.""
how i needed to pee!
now i'm cured?yessiree?
because flomax brought help with the flow.
"
"what is fan-tan? there's more than one game
that is known by that assonant name.
one's a card game, and?jeez?
seems the other's chinese.
to win money is both the games'  aim.
"
"more than one south american monkey
in this family's known to be spunky,
but calling them wicked's
unfair. callitrichids
are cute, though their odors are funky.
"
"cyanocobalamin: actor
that's also been called  extrinsic factor.
if further you delve,
you will learn it's b-12,
which is healthful?you'll find no detractor.
"
"sailing boats since she slept in a crib,
second mate to her dad or a sib,
gail knows about sails
and can furnish details
of the use of the high flying jib
"
"this young girl (at the time just a pisher)
was to own her guy joey a wisher.
called ""long island lolita,""
she was fierce as a cheetah.
who blasted joe's wife? amy fisher.
"
"jfk was a leader of fame.
was fitzgerald his true middle name?
yes, in origin it's
from the pol honey fitz.
from his colorful grandpa it came.
"
"the filmstrip had many a photo
of ms moto, who, playing the koto,
looked at peace and serene
on the large silver screen
in a japanese theater in kyoto.
"
"when it's annualized, it is clear
that your pay for the year is austere.
if you find that your wage
always puts you in rage,
just relax and go open a beer.
"
"the best team in the whole afc?
cincinnati's the best there can be!
when you hear bengals roar,
then you know they will score
on the browns' or the patriots' d!
"
"like brew to a witch in october,
he drinks 'til he's nowhere near sober.
and because he's a sot,
he consumes quite a lot
and falls alcoholically over.
"
"barley: a grain of good cheer!
quite lovely for breakfast, i hear.
and if you feel frisky,
distill it for whisky,
or brew it with hops to make beer!
"
"the batter, unnamed, was a dodger.
the pitcher, ""the rocket,"" was roger.
when one slider went wild,
the crowd became riled:
""retire for real, you old codger!""
"
"on our chemical senses i'll dwell,
and the first  that i'll mention is smell,
while the other is taste?
both strategically placed.
life without them's a wasteland, a hell.
"
"it is chemoreception, i'm guessing,
as that rose to your nose you are pressing,
and you sniff at your leisure,
that brings you great pleasure.
our sensory system's a blessing!
"
"can a nightmare at times be an omen?
ask shakespeare's unfortunate roman.
did his wife's dream foretoken
his death? she had spoken,
but daggers rent caesar's abdomen.
"
"in colombia, visiting cali,
my sister gave birth.  it seems sally
found by reading his chart
that her newborn son's heart
had a patent foramen ovale.
"
"at the base of each vertebrate's skull
(be it lizard, or lion, or gull),
there's this hole through which flows
nervous tissue, which goes
down the spine. geez! anatomy's dull.
"
"in metals, our choice was eclectic;
our heating techniques were quite hectic,
and we burned out a fixture
while stirring the mixture,
but its melting point's low?it's eutectic.
"
"ned, too tall, felt quite dreadful and pled
for some way to look normal instead.
momma felt it was tragic
but, keen on black magic,
she fed him foreshortening bread.
"
"i am sure you'll be happy to learn
there are thousands of species of fern.
though these plants don't grow flowers,
some have curative powers,
and at times public notice they earn.
"
"said my wife, as we shopped for a table:
""i would purchase this style, were i able.
its top's not unlike a
bent slice of formica.""
(i fear she's becoming unstable.)
"
"dwight is frightened 'cause, try as he might,
he just can't get his scripted lines right.
he has first-night anxiety,
obsessed that variety
will pan him. it's opening night.
"
"to this day, every printmaker strives
for the standard they set for their lives.
one (nathaniel) was currier;
he wasn't the worrier.
he left that to businessman ives.
"
"the ashanti tribe lives in the west
part of africa; they are known best
for their beautiful gold weights,
both new ones and old weights,
as many museums attest.
"
"my father would smoke a cigar
in his office, at home, in our car,
and the smoke had a smell?
i remember it well?
you could tell where he was from afar.
"
"i'll compose science prose with poiesis
as i write my ecology thesis.
i'll tickle my teachers
with immigrant creatures,
describing their steady ecesis.
"
"in great britain, i'd bet that the queen
has eaten this oddly named bean.
the dutch case-knife it's called,
and i'm frankly appalled
by its moniker?strangest i've seen!
"
"when your cervix shows dyskaryosis,
it's not caused by scars or fibrosis.
it's more likely to be
hpv (std)
that has led to this harsh diagnosis.
"
"i was knighted. her majesty froze.
i thought: ""something unspeakable shows!""
though my fly was zipped tight,
i, a newly dubbed knight,
had some snot hanging out of my nose.
"
"my new dress is of crepe marocain.
just notice the finely ribbed grain!
it's of wool mixed with rayon.
and what does it say on
the label?  it's made in bahrain.
"
"this highly priced table was built
with a top that is gilt and can tilt;
it's for drafting. expensive?
i feel apprehensive,
defensive, and sickened by guilt!
"
"""mom's new table,"" said cass, ""is first class.
here's a drip mat for under your glass,
as a stain would diminish
its finely wrought finish?
and mom would go after your ass!""
"
"those armstrong guys, louis and lance,
are both yanks and both famous in france:
one blew a mean horn
till the other was born
to win bike tours with no backward glance.
"
"amid stately columns we gape
at graceful apophyge's shape.
concavely it bends
to flare at the ends,
supporting the means of a scape.
"
"two large gaseous masses, both burning?
'round each, thanks to gravity, turning?
not one star but two
(three or more just won't do!).
about binary systems we're learning.
"
"you are tired and lazy, you bum.
you just sit all day long in your slum.
you're a deadbeat, a slob
with no money or job?
just a sot with a bottle of rum.
"
"this dessert always comes out the same;
richard foster deserves all the blame.
first bananas, then rum,
set on fire ? mmm, yum! ?
but a whoosh ? and my kitchen's aflame.
"
"your average music commissioner
may sometimes employ an auditioner
to check that the skill
of the soloist will
not be grounds for the crowd to throw fish on 'er.
"
"accentor, for me, is a word
whose meaning is odd and absurd.
it does not, as i guessed,
show the syllable stressed;
it's merely a sparrow-like bird.
"
"a pirate's a man of the sea;
he robs, for a brigand is he.
he steals a ship's booty
and calls it his loot. he
then buries it under a tree.
"
"accommodationist tendencies savor
a compromise ? some say they quaver.
they'll tolerate you
in whatever you do,
just as long as you don't show disfavor.
"
"the acidhead, wow, is he high!
he thinks that his foot's a peach pie.
all that prime lsd
makes it real hard to see
when the music gets stuck in your eye.
"
"my cathisophobia's so drear;
it's a stark uncontrollable fear.
when i sit anywhere
i face dread and despair.
this distress is a pain in the rear!
"
"my cousin's a mean girl of five
whom i never would dare to deprive?
until one fateful day
i took barbie away;
and her brattiness didn't survive.
"
"with a grin i threw down the left bower.
the card made my opponents both glower.
but it doesn't seem right
that this jack has such might,
for another jack's suit wields the power.
"
"for a measurement known as a chain,
maybe sixty-six feet sounds inane.
ten square chains is one acre;
eighty chains, a mile maker.
the plains: where the chain measures reign.
"
"while working with anthrax one day
(the bacteriological way),
may shattered a vial
that was used in her trial
and contracted it to her dismay.
"
"whatever. no interest is there.
i have no opinion to share.
ho-hum, i suppose
that my apathy shows.
so what? eh, i really don't care.
"
"of the flu my fair girl was a carrier,
so 'tween us i put up a barrier.
but i could not resist;
we daringly kissed!
now sneezing's become my new harrier.
"
"i recently spoke with the reaper.
he told me your soul was a keeper.
life's too precious, you reckon,
to succumb to his beckon,
but the price of elusion is steeper.
"
"the director of improv was miffed
at the man who said ""um"" when he riffed.
""just say something glib!
hurry up and ad lib!
or your prospects will soon be adrift.""
"
"that man's careless for all that he's smart,
unreliable right from the start.
yes, he's feckless at best,
as his friends will attest,
though a nice enough fellow at heart.
"
"a cheliferous fellow is he,
who can't handle but mangles his tea.
with his ill-shapen claw,
he stuffs food in his maw
as he scuttles and hops off the quay.
"
"you're as short as a small dish antenna, sis.
there is no one as short in vienna, sis.
i tell people, ""don't tease
or you'll risk both your knees.
she was born with achondro-damn-genesis!""
"
"when our passion for secrecy soars
and we want to be rid of the bores,
in the alcove we bide
(a small room to the side,
inconveniently lacking in doors).
"
"armageddon: the ultimate fight
when darkness does battle with light.
in lightning and thunder,
old satan goes under
and wrong's finally routed by right.
"
"a wandering, bold armadillo
found walking in old amarillo
is now in a stew ?
a spicy burgoo ?
on a campfire of burning peach willow.
"
"the bowler appeals, ""how was that?
the batsman's pad isn't his bat!""
the umpire's aloof:
he hasn't seen proof
that the ball would have knocked the stumps flat.
"
"this abstinence thing makes me crave
scores of women i'd like to deprave.
i must not be a cheater.
get my mind off ""st. peter"",
or undoubtedly i'll misbehave.
"
"those people considered gourmet
insist on fresh food made today.
aficionados
use ripe avocados
as dip with the chips at buffet.
"
"when speaking to actors in plays,
you should always use proper clich?s.
you never should say,
""good luck!"" on their way;
break a leg's the appropriate phrase.
"
"the beefeaters form a small league in
great britain. their dress is intriguin'.
like those wig-wearing jurists,
they amuse all the tourists.
i wonder if any are vegan.
"
"acrostical poems are great:
with a sneaky technique you create
any word you would hide?
it runs down the left side.
this one's easy. you'll find my await.
"
"he decided that he would ensorcel
the damsel by means of a morsel
that was baked in a pie
in the heart of versailles
and then packed on his ass in a dorsel.
"
"in the twenties, the rhyme was the thing,
and playing with words made them swing.
for example, bee's knees 
meant as keen as you please.
saying ""business"" just lacked the same ring.
"
"as i lie in the hospital, healing,
my eyes come to rest on the ceiling.
if i'm to get well,
then my room must be swell,
and not moldy, with paint that is peeling!
"
"a proud, unpretentious old colonel
kept his medals close, nearly internal,
in the midst of his chest
'neath his shirt and his vest
o'er the breastbone, a place episternal.
"
"good limericks have to combine
more than humorous words in each line:
with rhythm and meter
the scansion's much sweeter ?
and it helps if you make the thing rhyme!
"
"claire said that the little calypter
was the thing on the fly that had gripped her.
between the two wings,
it's one of the things
that marks the wee one as a dipter.
"
"union aliens had me abducted.
by their foreman, i then was instructed
""write a greeting of peace,
for immediate release.""
so a slogan i quickly constructed.
"
"a bird-eating spider partakes
of a diet of avian steaks.
its bite and its size
mean a nasty surprise
for the birds that it suddenly takes.
"
"if students of mendel are right,
when particular parents unite,
a recessive mutation
kills pigment creation;
for albinism colors hair white.
"
"once a dashing young driver got sassy
and spurned an adorable lassie:
said he, ""i know grace
has a wonderful face,
but i'm not really struck by her chassis.""
"
"a slick thief making off with the best
says the coppers will fail at this test.
but his loot he does drop,
for his heart it does stop.
it's a cardiac type of arrest!
"
"ab initio's how you explain
the routine with which pilots may train,
for it takes them from props,
without any stops,
to the most up-to-date aeroplane.
"
"a limerick that's good has longevity,
oft remembered because of its brevity.
in only five lines,
one usually dines
on a sumptuous serving of levity.
"
"balaam, so it is told,
was a noted false prophet of old.
but he was outclassed
by the ass he harassed,
which first saw god's glory unfold.
"
"the adventurer, in his report
on the fate of his manservant mort,
said the man had been offed:
he was carried aloft
by some bats of a vampiric sort.
"
"when an actor attempting a leap
missed his mark and fell into a heap,
the censor (god love her)
his mouth could not cover,
but hid his loud curses with bleeeeeep.
"
"of all of the realms to be sad in,
the lair of the angel abaddon ?
teeming with locusts
and dark hocus-pocus ?
o grasshopper, that's the big bad 'un.
"
"those republican radicals knew
that to get their own president through,
'twas no good to dig dirt:
wave the old bloody shirt;
extra votes would then surely ensue.
"
"if one antineutron should zoom
and collide with a neutron, with whom
it shares zero charge,
the result, by and large
(to use technical terms), is ""kaboom!""
"
"though wee pedro was always quite sickly,
acitr?nes would perk him up quickly.
just out of the sack,
he'd head for a snack:
candied pads from a cactus that's prickly.
"
"a good scottish malt, some declare,
should be aged in oak casks. but beware ?
what once was distilled
and in barrels full filled
has reduced by what's called angel's share.
"
"the beauty of cube steak is this:
it's a cheap cut, but you'd be remiss
to begrudge it that fact
for a mallet has whacked
it to tenderized, golden-fried bliss.
"
"so you constantly suffer from dread
that your conjugal harmony's fled?
your domestic debate
may abalienate
yourself from your head (and your bed!).
"
"when dining on seafood, i wish
i could leave out the earthenware dish,
since all forms of crockery
will just make a mockery
of the texture and flavour of fish.
"
"acquisitions by children of two
are obtained with a rule old and true:
if i see it, it's mine.
if you deem it is thine,
i will shriek and i'll cry till i'm blue.
"
"brobdingnagian means ""huge in scale,
enormous, as large as a whale,
massive, not itty-bitty,""
or ""vast as a city.""
'twas initially coined from a tale.
"
"first to north then to south then to east,
through the gothic church wandered the priest.
he decided to stay,
as he'd reached the chevet,
where the choir sang softly then ceased.
"
"this frame house was crafted by hand,
the iron work cast in fine sand.
the working in wood
was laborious and good,
as the arts and crafts style would demand.
"
"i'd like to propose an alliance
of all friends of poetical science:
we'll pool our resources
and, joining our forces,
make limericks a household appliance.
"
"mother squinted at leigh down her nose:
""now you've ruined your best pair of hose!
if you must take a knee,
do it decorously.
only lady-like girls get the beaus.""
"
"can i tell you how much i abhor
the sounds that you make when you snore?
i really do hate them;
could you try to abate them?
you're shaking the walls and the floor!
"
"an ai is a sloth with three toes,
as every good scrabble fiend knows.
it gives me a move
that you're sure to approve,
but i'm still left with four stupid o's.
"
"a poet was rhyming an ode
while driving his car down the road.
he became so engrossed
that his car hit a post,
and his trousers became a commode.
"
"the yankee thug's favorite conveyance?
his snowmobile, now in abeyance.
he said he would brawl:
""i will fight wid youse all...""
confounded by blind ignoreyance.
"
"the bible, some 60-plus books,
is a bit more complex than it looks.
see, god's holy spirit
affects how you hear it,
but fear it? that's only for sooks.
"
"while driving i happened to meet
a friend on the side of the street.
i offered a ride
on the passenger side,
but instead she preferred the backseat.
"
"in tone she could be acidiferous
to those with opinions vociferous.
her disdain was quite clear
to those both far and near:
she considered their presence pestiferous.
"
"how much longer could people attend
to a speaker who never would end?
the babbler kept talking
and folks began walking
away from the speech he had penned.
"
"there once was a girl so capricious
that the boys thought her rather malicious.
she was simply a flirt,
with no notion to hurt?
her intentions: delicious, not vicious.
"
"any travel by air is my bane,
if by chopper, balloon, or by plane.
once a friend turned to ash
in an aerial crash,
i decided to stick to the train.
"
"when he showed her the drugs he'd administer,
the sight of his hands set her chin astir.
for she saw two left thumbs
aiming needles to gums,
but was nose-numbed by doc ambisinister!
"
"the premise of every beatitude
is that blessings are products of attitude.
don't let 'eye for an eye'
be your standard reply.
try granting offenders some latitude.
"
"an astrologer looked at the stars,
and helped put a thief behind bars.
he noticed a pattern
in the motion of saturn,
and knew who had stolen those cars.
"
"i fretted and started to panic
when i saw he was looking cyanic.
my goodness! who knew
someone's skin could turn blue
as the depths of the briny atlantic?
"
"have you antlers of bone, rich in phosphorous?
horns of compacted hair, like rhinoceros?
pointed prongs?  or a rack?
well, if all these you lack,
then, my deer, you are akeratophorous!
"
"i once took a trip to andorra.
it was wholly unlike bora-bora.
in the pyrenees range
no temperature change
prevented my wearing angora.
"
"i'm so sad your whole life is a mess.
dog died? let me share your distress.
neither lover nor hater,
i'm a trained consolator.
pay in cash, or i couldn't care less.
"
"grimy germs on me, how do i cope?
why, it's antibacterial soap!
killing good germs and bad,
gadzooks, i've been had.
i have given resistant bugs hope.
"
"it's true that we humans are flightless;
in darkness we're very near sightless.
but whatever we're missing,
we've got lips for kissing
to make the long night less delightless.
"
"though for ""am not"" 'twas once a contraction,
teachers ruled it an english infraction.
so we now, with a sigh,
have to say, ""aren't i?""
ain't it shameful, this overreaction?
"
"a certain magnetic attraction
ended up in a physics infraction.
when opposites fail
to align head to tail,
this calls for a new plan of action.
"
"on my credit report, what is shown?
how i pay up my lease, cards and loan.
(sigh) it's really no mystery,
based on my history,
why my good credit was blown.
"
"there once was a woman named bridget
who rejected each binary digit.
meeting 0 or 1,
she would snarl, ""you're no fun!""
those two digits would make bridget fidget.
"
"aachen, an old german city,
was named by a witty committee.
they couldn't resist
being first on each list.
and besides that, it's also quite pretty!
"
"the faith of some jews had grown stale,
so they turned to the caananites' baal.
god's prophets were sent
to urge they repent
or face wrath on a national scale.
"
"its standing in english is set
as the tiniest particle yet.
created by greeks,
here played with by geeks,
it's a part of the alphabet set.
"
"as newton fell earthward, he reckoned
the force with which gravity beckoned:
""i'm inflating my rate
by a flat nine point eight
meters per second per second.""
"
"perhaps there is someone who's vexed
at having to wait for this text:
my apologies, mate,
but you might have to wait
another three years for the next!
"
"""my big toe will not move... i have tried.""
the therapist quickly replied,
""your abductor hallucis
no movement produces:
it seems to have curled up and died.""
"
"for pharmacists, math ain't for kicks;
it's used to determine the mix.
when we need to dilute
or to reconstitute,
alligation is one of our tricks.
"
"we're battening up this here cow.
we're fattening daisy right now.
she'll be ready to eat,
half a ton of red meat,
then we'll get right to work on the sow!
"
"my gaelic could hardly be worse,
so to learning i wasn't averse.
but i really was shocked
when the book that i clocked
had the title of brush up your erse.
"
"mr. oblique, for a hoot,
dressed up in a bowtie and suit.
his suspenders got tangles
and altered his angles,
so people all said, ""he's acute!""
"
"when watching the cubs of big bears,
it's polite to trade your kids for theirs.
but what will they think
when yours are all pink,
and theirs are all covered with hairs?
"
"i must have the right babassu.
buy me that one, dear papa, please do!
it's a feathery palm
and its seeds yield a balm
that is ever so healthy for you!
"
"""since a double-duke duchy's bi-duke-leated
and a whale with two tails is bi-fluke-leated,
it could be inferred?""
(her words! how absurd!)
""?i'll be toast if this egg is binucleated!""
"
"with a razor-sharp scalpel of steel,
the podiatrist slices your heel:
achillotenotomy.
from top to bottom, he
tends to your tendon.  good deal!
"
"there once was a bichon fris?
who was white with some patches of gray.
he was lively and small
and not very tall;
he enjoyed a fine bone every day.
"
"while he's deep in the woods hunting deer,
the wise hunter won't give in to fear.
there is simply no way
that, in only one day,
those in camp could drink up all the beer.
"
"my colon's in such a bad state.
am i able to weather the wait?
for this turd is now giant,
and not at all pliant.
can you get me some docusate, mate?
"
"if you think you hear jackasses braying,
while a crowd within earshot is praying
that the lout will disdain
to play ""lady of spain,""
you have heard an accordion playing.
"
"arterial blood is bright red
as it goes from your lungs to your head.
you might find that it spurts
when you get major hurts?
if it ceases its flow, then you're dead.
"
"i hear arish is stubble of wheat,
so it pricks when you walk with bare feet.
if you walk in the field,
you will limp till they're healed,
as they'll hurt until healing's complete!
"
"alden knew what his friend miles standish meant?
what his blushing request so outlandish meant.
he'd woo fair priscilla
for that gruff old gorilla
who couldn't provide his own blandishment.
"
"there was an amoeba named harry.
on the way 'cross the pool he would tarry.
one day on his mission
came binary fission;
he landed as harry (and larry).
"
"arrhenius knew a reaction
would hasten if heated a fraction.
""i deduce some relation
with e-activation,""
he said, with profound satisfaction.
"
"a manager dictates a lot
for a steno to scribble and jot.
the requirement thence is
a good amanuensis
to write what the others have not.
"
"the limerick's fame is fantastic.
it's known to be very elastic;
the subject it covers
is frequently lovers'
activities, normal and drastic.
"
"""denaturalize me!"" she bleated.
""more makeup, more implants!"" she tweeted,
in hopes that enhancement
would lead to entrancement
and murmurs of love oft repeated.
"
"a peripatetic buffoon,
who insisted he'd come from the moon,
engineered dreadful larks
in municipal parks
such that even the squirrels would swoon.
"
"church and state are like light in a prism:
far more beautiful after the schism.
some take issue with this,
and promote antidis-
establishmentarianism.
"
"he aligned with the right on abortion,
a mistake of an epic proportion.
for his wife up and left;
with accounts now bereft,
he relies on financial contortion.
"
"if your skin has a patch of red yeast
and you think that you look like a beast
don't you wrinkle your brow;
take some action right now.
acrisorcin will see it decreased.
"
"if you gape at the rays in your pots
(the pincushion flower has lots)
and it's greek that you practice,
then all you'll chaenactis
the etymological dots.
"
"this is just test limerick #2
without any rhyme of meter.
it's just here so i can try
to see how the system works for
someone with just 1 1/2 lims in.
"
"there once was an old man from lima
who visited fair ipanema.
when the girl started walking,
the old man was gawking
and breathing as with emphysema.
"
"millionaires are invariably fond
of girls who are naturally blonde.
but they tend to be older ?
come on girls, get bolder!
just reach for the bleach and beyond.
"
"tell your kid to watch out for the bugbear
and he'll lose that snide smirk that the smug wear.
he'll lie there all night
in dread?serves him right
for spilling his juice on the rug, there.
"
"there was an old lawyer from queens
who subsisted on minimal means.
when asked how he did it
he said, ""with glenlivet
from clients who don't pay me beans!""
"
"when an affine equation you see,
such as y = mx + b,
then its graph is a line.
this equation works fine
unless vertical (x = d).
"
"your wonderbra's fashioned to tease,
for it serves to exaggerate these.
  your accentuated curves
  really prey on my nerves;
pray remove it posthaste, if you please!
"
"all the traffic's backed up on the high street
and it's blocking the way out to my street.
i don't like to stop
and i don't need to shop,
which is why i go home on the by-street.
"
"puss never could chase down a rat,
being far too ungainly for that.
she instead spent her time
meowing in rhyme.
she was quite an atypical cat.
"
"from cupcake to teacup to ceiling,
inanimate objects have feeling.
it's called animism,
when you pick up a prism
and it tells you it finds you appealing.
"
"to ask is to beg or to plead,
to express in some manner your need:
a wish for a lift,
assistance or gift,
a desire you hope will succeed.
"
"a learner of letters like me
never tires from a up to z.
to my five-year-old tot
alphabetarian's not
a thing he wants to grow up to be.
"
"in abbott you won't see a lexus
or anything foreign. the nexus?
all its people are true
to the lone star on blue,
and shun that what ain't made in texas.
"
"after staring at stars for a bit,
i sadly was forced to admit
i could not find it comic,
the chance astronomic
against other worlds with some wit.
"
"in a shop in south england i strayed
and suddenly found myself sprayed.
once-liquid perfume
had soon filled up the room?
atomisers in tandem air raid.
"
"not oral ? let's make it quite clear,
your auris is what lets you hear.
with your os now, you pout,
blow kisses and shout,
but aural belongs to the ear.
"
"said the woman of limited cup size
to her surgeon, ""my breasts need an up-size.
so augment them both please,
from aas to dds ?
give my husband a reason to uprise.""
"
"a round pattern of petals arrayed
with a brush or a chisel was made
by the roman and greek;
of all flowers, unique:
the anthemion, fate will not fade!
"
"why write this short ditty, you ask,
with a pseudonym here as a mask?
it's because i'm so witty
(not to mention quite pretty),
and to bask in heaped praise is a task.
"
"playing rum diddy-dum diddy-dum,
all day long, dad and son banged their drum.
but the hour grew late
and their drum met its fate
with one swing of a bat brought by mum.
"
"the bagpiper puffs out his cheeks
making sounds like an engine that leaks,
squeezing out a shrill tune
like cats trying to croon
an' all of the while with nae breeks.
"
"tasty bird, sitting proud on my wall,
soon discovered that pride precedes fall.
it is sad and all that,
but you can't blame the cat ?
to the carnivore, meat conquers all.
"
"he's adorable, furry and small?
among rodents, the cutest of all.
but the maddening feature
of this little creature?
he lives in a hole in my wall.
"
"some brunettes would prefer to be fair,
and natural blondes are quite rare.
i have to applaud
the men who afford
them the fortune they spend on their hair.
"
"though others just called him a hick,
his mind was ballistically slick.
he could load, aim, and fire,
his prey to acquire,
each motion quite quiet and quick.
"
"""my aim,"" the baha'ist explained,
""is sharing the insight i've gained:
when faith is combined
with a questioning mind,
then peace can at last be attained.""
"
"battered child syndrome isn't amusing,
what with beatings, and burning, and bruising
of young kids whose fat lips
lead to hospital trips
from their guardians' serial abusing.
"
"in accounting, she made a huge error;
being new, she was stricken with terror.
it's an honest mistake
any person could make?
i would hope for her sake that they spare her.
"
"this carbon dioxide's the gas
that makes the wine fizz in your glass.
made by birds and by bees,
it gets breathed in by trees,
but it warms up the planet, alas!
"
"""mister smith,"" said the bank, ""no offense,
but your business plan doesn't make sense.
tell us how you'll prevail
with a loss from each sale?""
""maybe volume?"" smith said, looking tense.
"
"hairy folks from new york to pearl harbor
consult an old chap called the barber.
if unkempt, give a holla'
when you're in walla walla,
or ask for a trim in ann arbor.
"
"the genes of the pale anglo saxon
give features like hair that is flaxen,
a nose that is spare,
and skin that is fair.
(for example, check out michael jackson.)
"
"an astronaut must avoid carelessness,
since space is a void of vast airlessness.
to maintain protection,
at nasa's direction
the guys all wear suits known for tear-lessness.
"
"for lady macbeth it waylaid her,
no pleasure her handwashing paid her.
""out, damn'd spot,"" she would voice,
but it wasn't a choice;
her ablutomania made her.
"
"acculturation's the process whereby
a piglet gets used to its sty.
it involves no silk purses,
nor robert frost verses,
nor music of ages gone by.
"
"to accelerate cars through a crowd
will surely cause cries very loud.
bone-crunchingly awful,
and rather unlawful,
it's a right with which no one's endowed.
"
"in star trek a crewman biracial,
named spock, lives a life outer-spacial.
his mother's from earth,
but his father lacks mirth:
the face of a vulcan is glacial.
"
"far kin to a common canary,
ceratopsids should make you feel wary.
if you face one, try running,
or hiding, with cunning?
a triceratops' face is quite scary.
"
"it cools from your head to your feet?
air-con in a room is most sweet.
when outside it's hot,
and inside it's not,
that sensation is quite hard to beat.
"
"to write poems, i gladly confess,
is a task with which i acquiesce.
if you find you agree,
tip the wink here to me;
accede quickly, in case i digress.
"
"in the material world, the high flyer
has one aim in the game: to acquire.
maybe money's to blame
or a soup?on of fame.
get it now, lest the offer expire!
"
"a lady who gave an oration
near the end of her term of gestation
had an untimely breach
in her well-conceived speech:
its disrupture by natal hydration.
"
"said the sheikh of dubai, with a sigh:
""our property market's run dry.
for a bailout we'll lobby
our friend abu dhabi ?
if we sell, the emir has dubai.""
"
"""i'd like to be amish,"" he sighed,
as the freshly ploughed fields he espied.
""but you wouldn't be free
to watch sports on tv,
and the work is too hard!"" she replied.
"
"""bring food,"" said her nagging aunt mable,
""to add to our thanksgiving table.""
she stayed up to bake
a sweet angel food cake,
but then ate it at home watching cable.
"
"of foods, i like meat best of all.
i'll eat it each day in the fall.
but when winter's near spent,
i'll forego it for lent,
so i'll binge one last time: car-ni-val!!!!!
"
"in defining a f a i k
i am not really sure what to say,
but i'll just have to go
with ""as far as i know""
and leave it at that for today.
"
"it really can be quite a boon
to sleep 'til the late afternoon,
that part of the day
when the sun's on its way
between peaking and setting too soon.
"
"""am/fm"" the switch says. no doubt
modulation the choice is about.
vary amplitude, surely,
or frequency, purely.
but to modulate both ways is out.
"
"we're trying to work up a thesis
about the response hysteresis.
though we've worked through the night,
our machine's locked up tight!
it's not moving; it's got akinesis.
"
"""got a leak in my pipes!"" jerry said
with a sinking sensation of dread.
since plumbing's complex,
i said, ""pull out your dex.
get your fingers to walking instead.""
"
"prefix acri- means sharp and/or sour.
acrid words cause the timid to cower.
their effects can be seen
around those who are mean,
so great care should be used with this power.
"
"a divorce is an unpleasant mess:
halving property, changing address...
but it's more bitter still
if there lingers ill-will,
something called acrimoniousness.
"
"hurricanes widely are hated;
their destruction seems random, not fated.
simple walks on the beach
become quite out of reach
'til the storm has passed by, or abated.
"
"gurd the shepherd was vexed with his herds.
'come along, little sheep' were his words.
but his sheep wouldn't budge,
so his dog gave a nudge.
(the dog's actions spoke louder than gurd's.)
"
"miss molly malone is a whore,
though her stem cell research you'd adore.
on the beach she would ply:
selling x, keeping y,
so she's selling she cells on the shore.
"
"what is bushy? an overgrown weed?
or a flowerbed going to seed?
the american garden
is well beyond pardon
thanks to bushy and cheney and greed.
"
"since common sense is, at best, chancy,
and inventors endure flights of fancy,
some american fools
came up with some rules
and created a group known as ansi.
"
"that balconied opera hall
had mezzanines gilded and tall.
the patrons could go
up above for the show
and worry of naught but a fall.
"
"it brought about quite a deep schism,
the force some have called barbarism.
the roman empire
was set all afire
and broken like light in a prism.
"
"a charley horse (pain in the leg)
may force you to sob and to beg
for relief, but don't fret,
as it's not happened yet,
that your leg must be turned to a peg.
"
"i ate something tasting of nut.
i asked a man, ""what is it, what?""
he said, ""it's a root,
and it's tuberous to boot.""
yes, a chufa now sat in my gut.
"
"it was breed more than speed that i sought,
so at auction i tried to allot
    enough for two mares
    and a stallion for heirs,
but a gelding is all that i got.
"
"an addle-brained sailor, marie,
could never tell where she might be.
while out on a sail
she would constantly wail,
""when i'm out on the seas, i'm asea!""
"
"one evening old otto, while blotto,
got in and drove off in his auto.
to where, no one knew?
'til, searching, a crew
found otto deep down in a grotto.
"
"i cahnnot recall when i lahst ate.
i'm giving a rest to my prostate.
so adieu to pat?!
au revoir, cr?me br?l?e!
regahding rich foods, i'm apostate.
"
"my love life was holding in limbo
when i spotted a fetching young bimbo
with a pout on her lips
and her hands on her hips,
her elbows bowed out, all akimbo.
"
"the old  cellar is looking divine
(now its shelves are quite heavy with wine).
with half red and half white,
it is such a delight
just to think that this booze is all mine!
"
"there once was a girl with a  cello.
when she played it the sound was quite mellow.
with it placed twixt her knees,
she looked quite a tease ?
till she sneezed and the bow hit her fellow.
"
"in texas they have some dark soil;
to work it requires much toil.
this gumbo's like goo,
and it might seem to you
this blackland is dirt mixed with oil.
"
"a dashing young fellow named barron
caught the eye of a lassie so carin';
though his name she soon wore,
the six children she bore
means we hardly can call the girl barren.
"
"the big apple is never asleep:
yellow taxis incessantly beep;
yankee stars hit and pitch;
wall street could make you rich;
endless benefits tourists can reap.
"
"my sister's addicted, i'd say ?
she writes limericks all night and day!
when i ask her, ""how come?""
she says, ""sis, are you dumb?
one a day keeps the doctor away!""
"
"if you need panamanian cash
but conversion just gives you a rash,
there's no need to holler:
balboa and dollar
convert one-to-one, in a flash.
"
"you're acerbic, from what i can see.
you're as bitter as bitter can be.
i know that your life
is abounding with strife,
but quit whining about it to me.
"
"""my plane is airworthy!"" he said,
as i laughed at the craft in his shed.
its wings were askew
and its canvas torn through;
if he took this plane up he'd be dead!
"
"agriculturists often like green,
the hue of a lovely ripe bean.
they work in the garden;
their dirt you will pardon,
on tasting a ripe tangerine.
"
"a harsh sentence may well be commuted,
even when your true guilt's not disputed.
if the pres. is your friend
then the pen's not the end ?
mr. libby's case can't be refuted.
"
"the music of carlos santana;
the delicate taste of banana
and rum drinks galore;
lying prone by the shore,
relaxing within my cabana.
"
"the bungalow comes from bengal:
a verandah, pitched roof, not too tall.
like bengal, it's quite flat ?
just one floor with a hat.
a stair would lead nowhere at all.
"
"it's not a victorian novella,
nor a fruit of the genus prunella.
you can't fire it or blow it,
or eat it or grow it;
it's just an old-fashioned umbrella.
"
"certiorari, mandamus and more:
quo warranto, remitters galore,
disputed decisions
requiring revisions?
the topic? administrative law.
"
"first piety, prayer and oblation
are steps to a saint's elevation.
if miracles (two)
should one day ensue,
the last stage is canonization.
"
"i'm not chicken-hearted. hello!
i simply do not want to go
take part in a war
that i truly deplore,
ending up just another john doe.
"
"asked a chaplain one day, ""are you churched?""
of a man who beside his wife perched
on a pew before service.
the man looked quite nervous.
""not for long,"" he decided and lurched.
"
"i understand dear anastasia
has acquired epileptic aphasia.
where once she could speak,
and talk on for a week,
today she's regressed to aphrasia.
"
"""i'll soon air condition my house,""
said rupert, the little grey mouse.
""i'll sit in the breeze,
eat limburger cheese,
and listen to waltzes by strauss.""
"
"""an aviary must be a house
that's built for a lion or mouse.""
""oh, don't be absurd!
it's built for a bird:
a wren or a martin or grouse.""
"
"the apiary kept near the trees
is home to the family bees.
except for the honey,
we'd have no more money
for biscuits or meds against fleas.
"
"an arbitrative person was needed
to deal with debates, which proceeded
to give me great stress.
no more will i mess
in disputes where i once interceded.
"
"if you wish, then consider it jabbing
when i claim that you're stupidly blabbing.
as you mindlessly speak,
those are secrets you leak.
put more thought and less naught in your gabbing.
"
"a critical region is where
your conclusion compels me to care.
outside of its bound,
correlation's unsound.
insignificant findings ensnare!
"
"to excel's to succeed in your quest
or to beat your own personal best.
it is hard to stand out
but your name will have clout
when you work so much more than the rest.
"
"searching archives, the bibliotist
read papers perhaps best dismissed.
bibliotics decoded;
his theory exploded.
""brahms' lullaby"" wasn't by liszt.
"
"bel canto's a style operatic
for those who like music dramatic.
a diva will sing,
using clear tones that ring,
with technique that you'll find quite emphatic.
"
"poor elpenor never could be
back home on the ionian sea.
for one night (he was drunk),
off a roof he went ""plunk!""
as dead as a stone then was he.
"
"their taxonomy's long been debated;
now the thought they're bacteria's dated.
no archaea can harm,
so no need for alarm?
good news as we're somewhat related!
"
"if you're british and go to a bar,
then you'll likely not get very far
before getting a thirst
and then being coerced
into drinking a bevvy or jar.
"
"when faced with a river or stream
and crossing it's only a dream,
don't you get in a flap,
just try bridging the gap;
things are never as far as they seem.
"
"when sebastian was counting his calories,
he decided to also count valerie's.
but val said, ""you chump?
i adore being plump,
like the rubens we've seen in the galleries.""
"
"play the keys on this ancient celesta
and the music produced is the besta.
hammers strike metal bars
that are tuned to the stars?
what a deal for a savvy investa!
"
"an asyndeton's simply a twist,
a poetic or rhythmic assist,
so a sentence still functions
though lacking conjunctions
'tween verbs, adverbs, nouns?like a list.
"
"a tubular engine, an athodyd,
took to flight when leduc took the path he did.
that fuel-filled pipe ramjet,
and the thpeedier thcramjet,
were a bathith of thome of what natha did.
"
"acolyths serve at church functions,
and might even aid extreme unctions.
they serve at the altar
and seldom do falter;
they assist without any compunctions.
"
"his electoral votes did not rate
high enough to become chief of state.
but with wife, charming tipper,
no dancer is hipper.
algorithmically speaking, he's great!
"
"while we coded a villainous virus,
of sam's help we were greatly desirous.
we typed our demand:
""please lend us a hand!""
he responded, ""i can't, i'm acheirous.""
"
"adolescents, on many occasions
succumbing to tv's persuasions,
rarely venture outside
and wear blue jeans to hide
a disheartening lack of abrasions.
"
"dinoflagellates, mostly benign,
ply the seas with flagella.  some shine.
when they bloom by the trillion
and tides turn vermillion,
don't order the clams when you dine!
"
"i never have thrown in the towel,
and never will:  that's my avowal.
   i wash it by hand
   in a colander and
press it dry with a plasterer's trowel.
"
"when you've swallowed your dinner (yum yum!),
it lingers awhile in your tum.
at a suitable time,
once it's turned into chyme,
it continues its trip to your bum.
"
"don't your axles spin freely enough?
can you hear that the bearings are rough?
they'll stay in fine fettle
if you use babbitt metal.
it's a tin/lead-based alloy?great stuff!
"
"russian communists, after two tries,
made kerensky mistrust his own eyes.
he was not, of course, thrilled,
but the milk had been spilled:
mother russia had been bolshevized.
"
"the prime suspect's position is dire,
as the state has decided to try her.
her angelical face
of her guilt gives no trace?
that machete might be the belier.
"
"alackaday, woe, and alas!
my girlfriend is giving me sass.
i'm hoping tomorrow
she'll give me less sorrow
and exhibit a little more class.
"
"consider the act of abduction,
which has little to do with ab suction.
imagine one day
you are taken away.
it's more than a stomach reduction.
"
"a cock and a hen have a brood,
a word that is used to allude
to the chicks of a fowl,
or the children mcdowell,
all ten of them dirty and rude.
"
"he's in love with my daughter, i see,
though a brummie brown bagger he be.
but to give him her hand
and bequeath him my land?
good for him, but disastrous for me.
"
"young people by acne are cursed,
with pretty ones often hit worst.
it's the pitting of skin
due to hormones within,
and ruddy, great pimples that burst.
"
"at bottom, the humble word ass
is a quadruped dining on grass.
it is also in use
as a term of abuse
and an orifice voiding foul gas.
"
"a babe bought ravel's great bol?ro
to wear for her hot caballero,
but the cd at best
could cover one breast,
while leaving the other one bare ? oh!
"
"a tourist in paris called perkin
at the folies berg?re glimpsed a merkin.
the cancan high kickers
showed more than french knickers,
which certainly tickled his gherkin.
"
"if you're prone to ennui or malaise,
then i urge you to look to your ways
and just take a vow
to live for the now
ere the chronophage eats up your days.
"
"your commission is money you get
if your targets at work are all met.
if it's generous, you'll dine
on prime steak and fine wine;
if it's not, then just breadcrumbs and debt.
"
"devious, mistrustful, oblique,
pinter's characters speak, hide, and seek.
with subtextual violence,
pauses and silence,
their world is caesural ... bleak.
"
"existentialist gardien de but,
the novelist albert camus
mused ""to do is to be""
whilst his team, down nil-three,
was protesting ""to be is to do"".
"
"a cururo was cleaning his burrow
when a thought caused his eyebrows to furrow.
""i'm a rodent from chile
and i don't think i really
need to be so darned neat or so thorough.""
"
"my dear husband, i'd like to assist
with your chores so i've made you a list.
for each task that you lick
mark it off with a tick
to be certain that nothing is missed.
"
"draconian are always the laws
that will punish the most minor flaws
of leaders and strippers
whose hands undo zippers
and won't be denied by a clause.
"
"in the sixties the hulk did abhor
a certain quaint family of four,
so he snatched up a cleaver
(the one they called beaver)
and stuffed the poor kid in a drawer.
"
"after quaffing a surplus of drink,
i stumbled, then puked in the sink.
i wandered all boozily,
then fell down most woozily.
and man, did my breath ever stink!
"
"young victor did not feel his best.
was his insulin being suppressed?
victor's urine would show
ketone bodies (oh no!)
as was proved by the acetone test.
"
"so, adjudicatory's a word?
yes, though not very frequently heard.
didn't see it in schoolings?
it's about judges' rulings.
but a limerick about it? absurd!
"
"from amaze comes a shock (not of hair),
but from hair comes a lock (brown or fair).
now this lock needs a key;
music scales next we see.
we amuse with this maze. oh what flair!
"
"amaze can mean ""shock,"" you'll agree, and
a shock could be locks, do you see? and
a lock needs a key, and
the key could be ""g,"" and
gee whiz, what a maze words can be, and
"
"an apartment's my home, in a house.
i have yet to encounter a mouse.
the lobby is clean.
the halls are pristine.
there's a neighbor i want for my spouse.
"
"the american pit bull's a terrier.
this dilemma could not be much hairier:
with its powerful jaws
and its sharp pointed claws
this sweet doggy could not look much scarier.
"
"the chameleons from far, far away
blend their colors with places they play;
their american cousins
come out by the dozens
and only turn green, brown, or gray.
"
"my critics quite often get mad.
my writing, they write, makes them sad.
repetition's not right ?
i don't mean to sound trite ?
banalized, my writing's just bad.
"
"a thirsty friend (out on a tear)
could not find new cups anywhere.
""i sell them,"" i said,
""from bossie's old shed
but remember: it's byre barware.""
"
"when princes dispute, they maintain
that airborne rejoinders are plain:
with rockets, hot lead,
and missiles, it's said
that heir-to-heir mayhem will reign.
"
"bacillophobia's really bad news:
it's when germy things give you the blues.
it cuts down on noshing;
you're always hand-washing.
(locus classicus: see howard hughes.)
"
"if avarice lies in your make-up,
you may be in line for a wake-up.
you're greedy, want money,
like pooh with his honey;
cupidity calls for a shake-up.
"
"i'd watch, when but just a wee lass,
the simpsons, when finished with class.
now it's on even more,
with its reruns galore ?
but since i've embiggened,  i pass.
"
"a young man, far away from the valley,
asked, ""the 1?"" and i answered him, ""pally,
these highways are free
of the article the?
take your arthrousness back home to cali.""
"
"these puzzles are always the same!
4-down is a three-lettered name
for a right-angled bend
or a wing at the end
of a building. it's ell, i proclaim.
"
"when her poking with something acicular
(meaning ""needle-like"") in a testicular
sort of place causes men
not to call her again,
barb asks, ""why are they all so particular?""
"
"on adnexa the word books play tricks.
it's ""subordinate body parts""? nix!
what's subordinate, then?
from the viewpoint of men
it means all parts except for their pr...ivates.
"
"during lent, when my brother (quite stout)
turned down cheesecake i said, ""how devout!""
""not devoted nor pious,
i still have my bias
for sweets, but,"" he said, ""i've got gout.""
"
"said the flounder, a creature demersal,
about to perform roe dispersal,
""on the bed of the sea
is the place i will be,
so come on, boys, this ain't no rehearsal.""
"
"quoth the judge, as he read his summation,
""here's my final word: defenestration.
with a heave and a ho,
out the window you go
with this frivolous, vain litigation.""
"
"we lament cleave's incestuous fate,
as an antonym that's its own mate.
for in english it's written
as clingin' or splittin';
cleaving two into one can be great!
"
"my computer makes limericks with flare,
using syntax that's abstract and rare.
the verses are drafted
with clauses well-crafted
in fortran with elseifs to spare.
"
"the skipper will shout at the crew
to haul the sail's tack or its clew.
but the looks that he sees
lead to plain-spoken pleas:
""just pull that there corner to you!""
"
"i caress her so softly and caringly;
she recoils and she leers at me glaringly!
she clearly detests it!
she never requests it!
(i only attempt it quite sparingly.)
"
"from the pacifist to the barbarian,
and the youngster to octogenarian,
if you simply can't deem
them of equal esteem,
then you're antiegalitarian.
"
"there are meals where the servings, perforce,
are so many, you'll eat like a horse.
don't worry at first?
your stomach won't burst
till you finish the fourth or fifth course.
"
"""what sea-creatures,"" quizzed mrs. farr,
""have five arms, each one shaped like a bar,
that converge in a disc,
cut with minimal risk?""
""asteroidea?"" ""you get a star!""
"
"elastane on some will ignite
fiery lust as it stretches so tight.
but on fat uncle ned?
i regret, as it's said,
""wearing spandex is hardly a right.""
"
"if her beauty's beyond all extremes,
and it can't be described, then it seems
it's ineffable. (hey,
but the girl, you might say,
is the effable girl of your dreams!)
"
"the sea has its gains and its losses
of sand, moved by waves' turns and tosses.
when a beach scarp is made,
there's a habitat trade,
but it won't hurt amphibious mosses.
"
"a bolus is victuals you've chewed
and are ready to swallow.  though crude,
for nearly all species,
what ends up as feces
begins as a nice ball of food.
"
"achiropody isn't so sweet,
as its victims are left incomplete.
but if, given the chance,
they show courage and dance,
then at least there's no pair of left feet.
"
"they've nothing to do with saloons,
nor with japanese manga cartoons.
they're found where it's sandy
and camels are handy:
barchans are those wandering dunes.
"
"""your bachelorhood soon will be ending!""
said my dear fiancee, condescending.
but she caught me with jude.
(we were both in the nude!)
now our marriage is no longer pending.
"
"a mythology scholar named blaire
held a wonderfully bacchic affair.
even nymphs and fauns came
to join in on the game.
(they say pan did ten shots on a dare.)
"
"when building your body up bigger,
your cells form new muscle with vigor.
constructive metabolism
(known as anabolism)
gives you your fabulous figure.
"
"bionomics: an alternate word
for ecology. haven't you heard?
it's about interaction,
one long chain reaction ?
for billions of years it's occurred.
"
"don't call me at work, i'm entreating;
i'll be spending all day in a meeting.
if my phone isn't silent,
then things could get violent.
(if they sack me, you're getting a beating!)
"
"i frequently act on the notion
to watch what i eat with devotion.
a big loss, then a gain
makes my diligence wane.
i could use a stick-to-it-ive potion.
"
"something inside me has changed;
my outlook has been rearranged.
i laugh and i giggle,
tap my toes as i wiggle?
i think i'm becoming deranged.
"
"there's something i really enjoy?
that is finding new words to deploy
to convey a new thought,
something soon to be taught,
seeking only to build, not destroy.
"
"aculeae grow on each wing
of a lepidopterical thing.
it's a rather neat trick,
making mothy wings click,
to communicate when they can't sing.
"
"to enter headquarters aclant
will take more than a government grant.
you've got to have clearance
and no small adherence
to nato's political slant.
"
"acanthors are larvae that hatch
from an acanthocephalan batch.
a crustacean gets eaten
and its eaters are beaten
when the spiny-head worm meets a match.
"
"an angel with halo and wings'll be
as hapless as golden harp strings'll be
in convincing the choir
that second-hand wire
can clue what true heavenly blings'll be.
"
"if you're looking for that which can ale you,
something stout without doubt can regale you.
the surmise of the cops
that you're subject to hops
doesn't have to be something to jail you.
"
"i offer this riddle with pride.  ""oh,
please answer, aeneas or dido:
why'd the slow armadiddle
just get to the middle
and not to the opposite side-o?""
"
"as a sailor i have many duties,
but i'd rather chase undersea cuties!
ah, but mermaids, they keep
hidden well in the deep.
would that i were bathybic, my beauties!
"
"an astomous man thought a while
to come up with a way he could smile.
since the man had no mouth,
his plans all went south,
so he thought he'd give handshakes a trial.
"
"in a galaxy far, far away,
a jedi-to-be was at play.
but soon he was drawn
to be palpatine's pawn?
to the attrahent dark side he'd stray.
"
"""my dear child, let me voice my concerns,""
said the priest. ""your son damien turns
from my aspergil's spray.
he keeps running away!
holy water, he says, gives him burns!""
"
"""who are you?"" i said to his face.
""here's a clue if you'll guess with good grace.
when i neutralize acid,
you won't find me placid.""
""then you're alkaline!""  ""yes, i'm a base.""
"
"i once saw my brother, named ty,
with his arms 'round a girl and a guy.
he both of them kissed;
i saw neither resist,
and so now i assume that he's bi.
"
"cleaning house is an all-day event.
in the morning i'm already bent
to sweep and to mop
and i know i can't stop
or i may be here cleaning 'til lent.
"
"fine classical music, all sorts
of beautiful paintings, all sports
that glory mankind:
from these we may find
inspiring, ennobling thoughts.
"
"some pills come with warnings denoting
they're ""ec protected."" (i'm quoting
the words on the label.)
in your stomach they're stable.
enteric's the name of their coating.
"
"an enclave's a small piece of land
which is often the home of a band
of people who feel
they've a claim, which is real,
to live on their own ? make a stand!
"
"noah told his wife: '300 cubits
is only just room for a few bits.
all your clutter, i think,
will make the ark sink;
or at least, we shall have to renew bits!'
"
"gucci, pucci and yves st laurent
held a  contest to make a sarong.
st laurent's was a treat,
but, though gucci's was sweet,
poor old pucci's looked more like a thong!
"
"there was a young baby called daniel
who wanted to cherish his spaniel.
he said, ""i'm too new?
i can't look after you!
i wonder perhaps if my grannie'll?""
"
"franz and igor, two hungry hungarians,
are both health freaks and brutal barbarians.
at a movie called hannibal
they decide to turn cannibal,
but to eat only strict vegetarians.
"
"at my barbecue, party guy pete
walked the coals of my grill in bare feet
while he swallowed six daggers,
but was struck by the staggers ?
cut himself into steaks, what a treat!
"
"a couple set off on a tandem
on safari, a trip that would land 'em
on the african veldt
where rubber would melt
and the scorch of their saddles would brand 'em.
"
"paul bremer, a neo-con guy,
said ""war-making is easy as pie!""
his plans caused great strife,
and a huge loss of life ?
and a medal from bush crowns the lie.
"
"a check stub keeps track of your money.
so, when you give cash to your honey,
you list the amounts;
thus, you keep good accounts,
and your balance, it never gets funny!
"
"anton chekhov, the playwright (now dead),
wrote plays that turned many a head.
the cherry orchard is
one production of his
where i actually got what was said.
"
"from confusion i must have release,
or i won't know a moment of peace.
please won't you explain
these matters arcane,
and thus let my bafflement cease?
"
"on her balcony, all balustraded,
by the prince was rapunzel persuaded:
""o'er those barriers there,
please let down your long hair!""
and so earthward her tresses cascaded.
"
"on a pew in the nave i shall perch,
and engage in a bit of research.
semicircular apse?
my conclusion, dear chaps:
a basilica must be a church.
"
"as a bachelor i thought it was funny
to snort and to make my nose runny.
but a wife, kids, 'n pup?
i've long since grown up ?
like a bond that matures and earns money.
"
"a therapist's highest ambition,
which would better the client's condition:
insert and embed
in the asperger's head
the value of social cognition.
"
"it used to be easy to rhyme
and come up with a word on a dime.
but a hit on the head
brought  aphasia instead,
and so now i tell stories in mime.
"
"the oedilf has some byzantine rules
to prevent publications by fools.
workshops, holds, rfas?
it's like walking a maze,
but ensures those approved are the jewels.
"
"the barn owl is thin and prolific.
the sounds he can make are horrific.
he screams and he burbles
and likes to eat gerbils
(or rodents, to be less specific).
"
"accipiter: hawk with red eyes
who darts through the forest: surprise!
bad luck for a mouse,
or a finch, or a grouse,
when the hawk flies away with his prize.
"
"""don't poke us please, ma'am, or you'll vex us.
we must firmly embrace to have sex, us.
for an outcome that's spawny,
we have to stay horny
and coupled as one, in amplexus.""
"
"he is thinking, 'man, gravity sucks.'
there's a trickle of stones, and he ducks.
it's unwise at this height
to be stricken with fright
on the hardest of moves, at the crux.
"
"you are stuck on your climb; there's no hope,
but an abseil may well help you cope.
also called a rappel,
this technique serves you well:
a controlled backward slide down a rope.
"
"consider the tortoise's suit.
its plastron deserves a salute.
and let's sing a song
for its carapace strong.
admire it, the tortoise's scute.
"
"the young woman informed the librarian,
""in another two weeks i'll be marryin'.
got a book that'll say
how to cook birds of prey?
'cause my beau says he's eagle-itarian.""
"
"an election is something we do
when it's time to choose leaders anew.
it's our chance, without doubt,
to toss all the bums out,
and then vote in a fresh bum or two.
"
"a true celt's a hard one to find,
as this pedigree's quite ill-defined.
though the old swiss and scots
shared a penchant for knots,
this does not make them two of a kind.
"
"when your file system's so full of junk
that the disk-heads lurch 'round as if drunk,
defragment: reshuffle
each file from kerfuffle
to a single contiguous chunk.
"
"the almanac writer collates
a reference of data and dates:
of the phase of the moon,
or the rainfall in june,
or the general whims of the fates.
"
"ethyl acetate has a nice taste
and our pear drops are with it well laced.
this allows us to savour
its chemical flavour
as into our mouths they are placed.
"
"there was only one egg in the nest;
the forlorn mother bird did her best,
but the wicked old crow
took her other eggs, so
she was sad and immensely depressed.
"
"the boastful old man was aware
that the top of his head was quite bare.
""it should be quite plain
that the size of my brain
means there's no room to spare for my hair.""
"
"the congressional member's expression
in the midst of his tearful confession
had no sign of remorse
though he faced a divorce
for a moment of naked egression.
"
"a catastrophe caused by a tilt
and compounded by feelings of guilt
came at breakfast today
with the tears of dismay
that were shed for the milk i had spilt.
"
"what my grandma called dropsy was hell.
in her ankles and feet it would dwell.
when they puffed up so much
they were tender to touch,
she could tell that edema's not swell.
"
"old chemakum's not to be heard,
by human or brown bear or bird.
on the puget sound shore,
the tribe is no more,
since smallpox and war have occurred.
"
"dropped to the floor with a ""chink,""
the ice-pick's what's killed her, i think.
with a dragnet and hound,
the culprit is found
and sentenced to life in the clink.
"
"that chicken is standing atilt
on one leg like a tall single stilt.
it was hatched by a heron
whose true nature it's wearin',
rejecting its coop for some silt.
"
"joanne said, in accents unkind,
""my dear, are you out of your mind?
an aubusson sofa's
too precious for loafers.
get up off your big fat behind!""
"
"arnold schoenberg embraced atonality,
abandoning strict musicality,
and listeners got bored
with the lack of a chord
that would give a piece any finality.	
"
"the german historian schlegel
considered the cinnamon bagel
regrettably crude,
dialectical food,
fit only for thinkers like hegel.
"
"when a girl has a smile she can show,
she's a brownie?young guide with that glow.
does she do a good turn?
is she eager to learn?
are those badges she wants you to sew?
"
"a baby, so small and unique,
is strong, though its body is weak.
it compels what you do
with its food, clothes, and poo,
not to mention the nappies that leak.
"
"the use of a battery cage,
for hens to lay eggs, causes rage.
no freedom to roam,
few feathers, torn comb,
and we call this a civilized age?
"
"i was washing my laundry with bleach,
but i grabbed a red shirt within reach.
decolorization
has caused me frustration
'cause now my red shirt has turned peach.
"
"i was taking the diesel-hydraulic
in germany, just for a frolic.
the train was so fast
didn't know i had passed
my home station... and now i'm in aurich!
"
"when you feel your intestines are cramping,
like a vice in your guts that keeps clamping,
then diverticulitis
might be what your plight is?
your colon will need some revamping.
"
"a caver once had to admit
that he spat down a hundred-foot pit.
said the chap down below:
""what was that? i must know!
did you pee in the pit or just spit?
"
"on her leisurely strolls before dinner,
kate would amble while wearing her pinner.
since her pace wasn't fast,
she would miss the repast.
and now, the poor girl's looking thinner.
"
"banisher george often stated,
""you'll follow the rules i created.
if your fealty is lackin',
i'll send you a-packin'.
obey, and we'll all be elated.""
"
"that comedian's now bacteremic,
and it's hard standing up while ischemic.
with those germs in his blood,
he must feel like crud;
his humor's become quite anemic.
"
"dactylopterus? simply absurd!
it's a fish, but has wings like a bird.
if you cook one for dinner,
do you pluck 'er or skin 'er?
is batter or stuffing preferred?
"
"a buddha's a cosmic hep cat,
who's figured out just where it's at.
when reading a koan,
one let out a groan:
""it isn't as hard as all that!""
"
"my video store has a stash
of b-movies they rent out for cash.
when i queried the clerk,
he dismissed all such work
as most often regarded as trash.
"
"autographically: written by me
(i give you my true guarantee.)
but for reasons of clarity
and showing great charity,
my girlfriend has typed it for free.
"
"accostable? that's my friend jack,
he'll chat and then welcome you back.
for some help or a natter,
especially the latter,
choose him, as he does have the knack.
"
"is ahf present or not?
if i'm bleeding, will i form a clot?
and how can i heal
if my blood won't congeal?
yes, it's true that i worry a lot.
"
"an absolver can grant absolution
to polluters releasing pollution,
""but for gluttony and sloth,""
says a man of the cloth,
""do some crunches ? the lord's abs solution.""
"
"in this byte here all eight of them sit
for you see that each one is a bit.
an encoding decides
right where each bit abides.
though once chaucer would write it ""abit"".
"
"absolution was sought by a glutton
whose blue jeans would no longer button.
her absolver, the priest,
said, ""i'd diet at least?
and cut out the beer, fries, and mutton.""
"
"this site's logo is sankaty head,
a nantucket fanal striped in red.
that's a word that few use,
so you can, if you choose,
simply call it a lighthouse instead.
"
"you misheard; i said ""castrametation"":
to arrange all your tents in formation.
now you know my intent.
there's no need to lament.
you may cancel that planned operation.
"
"there's a stag up ahead, so i veer.
but no use! his hind end's now a smear.
since i can't pass the buck,
with the charge, i'm now stuck,
of vehicular cervicide, dear.
"
"a bulimic young miss from nantucket
would eat and then promptly upchuck it.
her mom said, ""i hate
when you barf on your plate,
so the next time, dear, please use a bucket.""
"
"there once was a man very bright
who managed to simulate flight:
his machine's made to take
any kind of mistake
made by ""pilots,"" who'll still be all right.
"
"to make a new word more legit,
conventionalize usage a bit:
go repeat it a lot
and it might become hot.
if it takes then you've got a big hit!
"
"an electrical switch's position
tells whether or not there's permission
for current that's flowing
to go where it's going
or stay in a static condition.
"
"on some internet sites, be aware
of the myriad trolls who are there
often lacking decorum;
i favor a forum
where helpful advice we can share.
"
"a cellist i know said, ""it's funny,
but here's why my mood's always sunny:
i pick up my bow,
and i smile, 'cause i know
that i work a big fiddle for money!""
"
"there once was a farmer named miller
whose crops were attacked by godzilla,
who trampled his wheat,
which caused him to bleat
""my god ? it's a cereal killer!""
"
"i frequently wonder why god
created the cephalopod.
it has to be said
that with limbs round his head
and no body, poor sod, 'e looks odd!
"
"an old drunkard i never saw smile
was as bitter and sour as bile;
he bestowed on his books
his few rare loving looks?
that old bibulous bibliophile.
"
"""very well,"" i reply, ""since you ask;
what i meant when i gave you that task,
was not just move your tail,
but that large butt of ale:
move your butt or, you might say, your cask.""
"
"my lp became warped from bad care,
and the sound was too awful to bear.
it had gotten distorted;
a disc was imported
and switched for the one with the wear.
"
"when i slammed the front door on my friend,
he shouted and ran past the bend.
i gave him a shock,
so he ran 'round the block;
he returned when he found a dead end.
"
"the cartographer made a blue mark
on his map on a piece of birch bark.
he sat there and smiled
with his pen going wild,
taking notes just like lewis and clark.
"
"the capital city of old
massachusetts is boston, i'm told.
but its capitol, mind,
is a building, you'll find,
with a dome covered over with gold.
"
"to smoke a cigar can be tough,
no matter how hard you might puff.
you could bite off the end;
or with knife you can rend;
but a cutter would work well enough.
"
"poor caedmon had trouble with rhyme,
and his meter was less than sublime,
'til an angel, bede said,
put the words in his head,
and his hymn is the best of its time.
"
"that cigar box fits more than just smokes
and is useful to quite a few folks.
store your marbles, a tool,
or some pencils from school
to jot down your most freudian jokes!
"
"there was a young lady from kalisz
who tended to, well, apple-polish.
she'd fawn and she'd flatter
with sycophant patter,
to find favor with men large and smallish.
"
"she gestures in starts and in fits,
when she speaks, she quite frequently spits.
she moves agitatedly,
exaggeratedly,
and frightens folks out of their wits.
"
"an ampul, a small bulbous phial,
was proof at a homicide trial.
it once held digoxin,
a most lethal toxin,
sending gunther avay for ""a vial.""
"
"a hooker turned milliner spelt
out her orders while running full pelt.
dashing into her store,
she behaved like a whore,
crying out that she'd come to get felt.
"
"a belligerent limerick writer
was widely renowned as a fighter.
his limericks had bad meter and stress,
but with him you wouldn't mess,
for his hands round your neck would get tighter.
"
"""i'm sorry for getting here oily,""
said my old friend from brooklyn called shoily.
when she sat down to eat,
all her sweat from the heat
made a mess of my lacy white doily.
"
"freud's office had several doors,
and his patients would turn up in fours.
being new to vienna,
they'd hand him a tenner
and offer to take off their drawers.
"
"a verb met a noun while out late
and asked her if she'd be his mate.
""your offer sounds fine,
but i have to decline;
i'm afraid that i don't conjugate.""
"
"a chauffeuse whose love life was thriving
effected great passion while writhing.
the effects of the sex
caused an affect complex,
which adversely affected her driving.
"
"an autocrat ruled over all
of a territory terribly small.
when asked to expand
on who lived in his land,
he said, ""me and a fellow named paul.""
"
"sam coleridge sat down in the moss,
for new poetry quite at a loss.
he thought, though, that night
a long verse he would write
for his seafaring mate albert ross.
"
"with an editor fred was besotted,
so to woo her he schemed and he plotted:
""would you love only me
if i crossed every t
and made sure that my i?'s were all dotted?""
"
"my girlfriend is nicely endowed
with breasts that stand out in a crowd.
young men all say, ""please
may we give them a squeeze?""
but of course they are never allowed.
"
"jung hated all girls of the barky type.
when one who was also a sarky type
approached him and said,
""will you join me in bed?"",
he said, ""no, you're not really my archetype.""
"
"a budding young writer called jo
produced verse's with effortless flow.
apostrophe's were
thing's of wonder to her,
but she never knew where they should go.
"
"""i'm itching to sit on my ass,""
said a brit to a washington lass.
she thought, ""that man's weird!""
then a donkey appeared,
and the man didn't seem quite so crass.
"
"a medical writer named grout
checked his index, emitting a shout:
""my career will be marred;
i'll be left feeling scarred!
my appendix has been taken out.""
"
"a management guru called cox
spoke in jargon designed just to fox,
till his staff, in a state,
stuffed him into a crate
so he'd start to think inside the box.
"
"aconitic's a word that refers
to a poisonous plant that occurs
in our mountainous places,
and only small traces
will work pretty well in liqueurs.
"
"at calligraphy donald was best.
with his flourishes, all could attest
that his script was exact
(which concealed the sad fact
that his prose lacked the skill of the rest).
"
"a downager's someone who acts
in contrast to obvious facts.
they will often engage
in ignoring their age,
in spite of their joints' pops and cracks.
"
"lady flakmere's deluded, you see,
for she thinks that her daughter's a tree.
""she's really quite crazy,""
cries poor little daisy,
""since everyone knows i'm a bee!""
"
"on the tour, our old beatbox was stolen.
we have back-up: our vocalist, nolan.
by drumming with sounds
from his mouth, he astounds.
by last call, his poor throat is quite swollen.
"
"when one threw it the other would catch it
and throw it right back?not a scratch!  it
first seemed that their fight
might go on the whole night
till one said, ""let's just bury the hatchet.""
"
"the brigandage of our fair city
was declared by the census ""most witty.""
one begged, ""if you'd please,
spare some change?and your keys!""
and drove off, leaving only a chitty.
"
"i reap through the bristly plain
'round my new buddy's mouth, and i deign
(i think he growled ""please"")
to continue: i tease
and start trimming the lion's great mane.
"
"from disney came gems like fantasia,
but the crap they make now might amaze ya:
the travails of snow white
and her fight for the plight
of a septet with achondroplasia.
"
"in paris, once known for romance,
you can now see a clown in wide pants
selling big macs to kids.
surely heaven forbids
this americanizing of france.
"
"since you injured yourself in a stunt,
i suggest that we go on a hunt
for a clinic on wheels
with a siren that squeals
and which says ecnalubma up front.
"
"the doppler effect is a shift
when one's relative motion is swift:
moving higher, or lower,
as comer, or goer.
c. doppler, in prague, found this drift.
"
"on the bandstand, the cats are all jammin'.
you doubt they are cats? please examine:
their tunes really swing,
but post-concert their thing
is to play the buffet for the salmon.
"
"a psychiatryst? woman, befriended,
was clothed in the gifts he extended.
dressed in lace, she enjoyed
pretty slips (due to freud?).
it's a thought that no pundit intended.
"
"my sousaphone broke near in two,
when a crack left the valves bent askew.
i was ready to quit
'til a friend fixed the split
with a smile and a small tuba glue.
"
"babinski's famed reflex: a sign
neurologically, things are not fine.
the pyramidal tract
is not fully intact
when the toe shows an upward incline.
"
"re her gland, she would have to decide:
should they operate? let it abide?
it was large and unsightly.
advice she sought rightly:
""adenotomy!""  doctors all cried.
"
"if you want to insult with panache,
horsey names can quite often sound brash.
forget ""donkey"" or ""mule"";
don't try ""jackass""; it's cruel.
drawl out ""a-si-nine."" you'll make a splash.
"
"two women: one white-haired, one dark,
would stroll arm-in-arm in the park.
what no one surmised...
they were age-mates! surprised?
a dye job makes aging a lark!
"
"a  bespoke  suit is never aggressive.
its styling just whispers ""impressive.""
think 007
in fabric from heaven
with details that border obsessive.
"
"a parent can find an incentive
that's clever or merely inventive
to tidy a room
with a mop and a broom.
the result? a true anal retentive!
"
"a blooper occurs, i daresay,
when deportment turns quickly outr?.
an example i'll offer
to zealot or scoffer:
shampooing inside a bidet.
"
"vaccines put our stomachs in knots.
on occasion, we'll suddenly plotz.
so it never attracts us
to anaphylaxis:
induction by needles and shots.
"
"said a pious old man with a grin,
""i must seek  absolution  from sin.
on my knees in confession
i decry my transgression,
which lets me sin freely agin!""
"
"the glow from a lighted menorah,
the luxurious feel of angora,
a still life displayed,
a sunset portrayed,
a feeling evoked ? that's an aura.
"
"finding scales or some gills on a bird,
making cheese with no whey and no curd;
potluck with no pot?
like a book with no plot,
these are things that one might call absurd!
"
"will my bag be of paper or plastic?
black or white ? must it all be so drastic?
so it's decaf or not?
don't put me on the spot:
on the spectrum of choice, i'm elastic.
"
"this cephalochordate would whine:
""i'm a true notochordic design.
and although advantageous,
i'm in no way courageous,
since i technically don't have a spine.""
"
"as i hungrily sit at my bench,
i ponder my food while i quench:
""if it's  ? l'espagnole
in this spanish-style bowl,
then why would you name it in french?""
"
"i was training my poodle named dawn,
and she bit me! she really latched on!
far from going ballistic,
i thought  behaviouristic,
and took her to cesar millan.
"
"i heard a man give a report
of the anti-commercialist sort.
with the words that he stated,
i felt so persuaded
that i purchased a shirt in support.
"
"myocardium weakness?bad news.
now which drug should a doctor infuse?
using amrinone may
take your symptoms away;
you can take it or leave it?you choose.
"
"my stomach just started to swell.
it was caused by a single sperm cell.
what had started as fun
became known as my son;
but at any rate all ended well.
"
"my problem is common, some say.
it's internal strabismus?okay?
my abducent nerve's shot
and my sight's gone to pot,
and that's why i'm now looking away.
"
"there are so many houseflies to kill;
this insecticide's making me ill.
what the heck! one more blast.
watch them falling so fast:
they're choking, they're croaking, they're still.
"
"many kings have rejoiced in this name,
but for me the alphonso of fame
is that mango so luscious,
it turns me to mush; yes,
it puts other mangoes to shame!
"
"so you knit and you purl with the best?
aran patterns? i'm duly impressed,
for i am unable
to finish a cable?
three needles! i'm sorely distressed.
"
"if you'd like to hike mile after mile
in classically elegant style,
just try on some socks
in a pattern that rocks ?
the diamonds that form the argyle.
"
"as i gave him some iowa corn,
the argali snorted with scorn,
""i'm no cow, you big creep,
though i'm large for a sheep ?
wanna test out my corkscrewing horn?""
"
"there once was a lady in blue
who designed her own dress of that hue;
then a gentleman said
she'd look better in red,
so she made one of cramoisy too.
"
"this ""sea-monkeys"" novelty fad
is a bowl of brine shrimp, which is sad.
these aquatic crustaceans
are not building nations
the way they're portrayed in the ad.
"
"an unfortunate fellow named jim
had poor motor control of each limb;
he could barely contrive
just to walk, much less drive,
so his doc called ataxy for him.
"
"disestablishmentarians hate
england's church being wed to its state,
but the stance they oppose
is what everyone knows
for its letters, which count twenty-eight.
"
"the ambiguphobiac's fear
is that speech renders meaning unclear.
so despite what he's planned,
folks will misunderstand.
will his meaning all garbled appear?
"
"little julius clutched mary's bust.
all the same he gripped not out of lust?
he was pure as a preacher!
""if my history teacher
says 'julius, seize her', i must!"".
"
"the canine distemper is brewin'
death not only for dogs! it brings ruin
on the wildcat; it preys
on hyenas; it slays
many seals. even stoats does it do in!
"
"i crave to pour hugs on some lass,
with unlimited kisses en masse.
is there anything sexier,
than acute basorexia?
if no lass, i must kiss someone's...
"
"an athlete who wanted to win
reckoned blood doping well worth a spin.
she had blood cells withdrawn,
which would help her anon,
when on race day she put them back in.
"
"offered sweets, young jack sprat's mostly quiet;
if it has any fat, he won't try it.
but angel food cake
needs no oils to make!
it's the sweetest dessert in his diet.
"
"if you notice a six-carbon group
sharing one big covalent-bond soup,
the shape of that thing,
which we call benzene ring,
is a planar hexagonal loop.
"
"a hipster found mozart too square,
so to give it a jazzier air
he added some blue notes
(half-flatting the true notes)
which made it too beatnik to bear!
"
"keep your cool may mean that you submit
to oedilf, and you don't have a fit
when some workshoppers write
(using all of their might)
that your text is some sh(abby old wr)it.
"
"a careless young hippie named fred
took his girlfriend, while stoned, to his bed.
when he rose in the morning
the wench, without warning,
had taken his drugs and then fled.
"
"there was an old gasman, named peter,
who never checked gas by the meter.
he applied his long nose
to a hole in the hose.
his widow, i think, they call rita.
"
"after thirsty old monks spent a year
seeking something more tasty than clear
and fresh water, they brewed
hops and malt. we conclude
that the drink they came up with was beer.
"
"if one were to dare to defame
an adducer, he'd quickly proclaim
through copious citation
and dry illustration
examples to de-shame his name.
"
"sandalwood, jasmine, and rose
are musky delights for the nose.
but i'll cough, spew, and sputter,
and puke in the gutter,
confronted with attar of toes.
"
"meandering in the vicinity
of murky, mysterious infinity,
mathematical functions
had violent conjunctions,
and reached asymptotic divinity.
"
"to consider a concept abstractly
is to think of it quite inexactly ?
to wax philosophic
and dream macroscopic
(rather than matter-of-factly).
"
"there once was a good man from bree?
the invincible horse now can see?
to riddle, to cry?
my dear, please don't lie?
oh, no! i must have add!
"
"there once was a man from a shoe,
who dreamt he was eating peru?
hey, wait! that's not right!
it's been altered, despite
my best efforts to keep this one true!
"
"i've alterable clothes from brazil;
i can tailor their colors at will:
from purple to green,
to something serene.
all it takes is some practice and skill.
"
"in an enemy aircraft attack,
we take cover and start fighting back
with precise antiair
missiles, killing with flair,
and giving them eyes very black.
"
"in bricklaying, there are some tricks;
it's vital to get the right mix
of lime, sand and water
to make a good mortar,
because if the mix sticks, bricks fix.
"
"there once was a god of baghdad
who drove the inhabitants mad.
with rain, sleet and hail,
he conjured a gale.
that bad lad was adad, begad!
"
"whilst walking past daucus carota,
i noted this down in my jotter:
the bracts subdivided.
and so i decided
that i was a bracteole spotter.
"
"alsike, a species of clover,
differs from red, which is mauver.
it's whiter than white,
though equal in height.
zigzag is much more bent over.
"
"all those climategate emails have peeved
both the sceptics and those who believed.
much ink has been spilt
about co2 guilt.
some are asking now, ""were we deceived?""
"
"a depletion allowance enables
true amortization, plus fables.
you divide what was sold
by a fib that you told
last year in your use of tax tables.
"
"a hockey defenseman can skate
as fast backward as forward. how great!
he can block scoring tries
by the other team's guys,
and the best ones can also shoot straight.
"
"our profit-starved firm chose degearing
as a strategy aimed at endearing
our creditors plus
those invested in us.
but to date neither group has been cheering.
"
"the butane in lighters is wet,
and it burns in a lovely blue jet.
the unsaturates seen ?
buta-something?-diene ?
have long names that i quickly forget.
"
"a fiancee's a lady who'll wed.
the advantage is hers, it is said,
for compared to her beau
(her fiance, you know),
she is already one ""e"" ahead.
"
"a fiance's a marriage-bound dude,
not a gal, we may safely conclude.
when there's one final ""e"",
it refers to a he;
for a lady, the ""e"" must be two'd.
"
"in his undershirt, puffing a stogie,
he goes on about mickey and yogi.
he's lost most of his hair
(in his ears it's still there).
all the signs say that ed's an old fogey.
"
"along with his shocking-pink pigment,
an elephant dancing a jig meant
i'd had too much to drink,
and that caused me, i think,
to imagine this fanciful figment.
"
"it's not silver: farewell to that joy,
for alfenide's just an alloy:
no more and no less
than e.p.n.s.
the ""silver"" for all ? hoi polloi.
"
"my chessboard has sixty-four squares.
it is chequered and laquered and glares,
and thirty-two men
walk it now and again,
but we use it for coffee?who cares!
"
"adry i am, suffering thirst,
which is driving my patience to burst.
i am starting to think
that the absence of drink,
out of all tribulations, is worst.
"
"most anecdotes, as we have seen,
effectively pull a large screen
to cover a fact,
relating an act
the way it could never have been.
"
"ablution: a noun. it means washing,
whether tidy or fraught with great sloshing.
it also can mean
a small washing machine.
?oh, wait! no, it doesn't. just joshing.
"
"an abutment's the part of a wall
which will not let the other part fall.
when the wall's got an arch,
the abutment's the starch
that keeps it a wall, not a sprawl.
"
"""plentiful"", ""found all around"",
or we might say that such things abound.
like courtships in austen,
or sox fans in boston?
all things that are thick on the ground.
"
"paint your nails the wrong color? don't panic!
don't amputate?that would be manic!
you can wipe off that polish
and your error abolish
with acetone, a solvent organic.
"
"i once had a basket, capacious,
i filled with things sweet and baccaceous!
those berry thorn scratches
took skin off in patches,
and made me irate and pugnacious.
"
"the bastille's a big hoosegow in france
whose guards, at the mob, stared askance.
'twas a guard who first shot.
""sans-culottes"", perforce, fought
in spite of their shortage of pants!
"
"piccard, he's the guy who created
a sphere to keep pressure abated.
in a bathyscaphe, laugh
with the rest of the staff
while your team gets those sea maps updated!
"
"so many tacticians patrician
pursued this great roman tradition:
the sequani shattered,
helvetii battered,
and belgae worn down by attrition.
"
"bamboozlement?that's my sad plight;
confyoozlement haunts me all night.
though i think 'til i'm flustered,
it's as if my brain's bustered.
i can't tell my left from my right.
"
"a balletomane once (quite the manic)
lost his nutcracker tickets.  in panic,
he searched the whole town,
turned the state upside down,
even drained away half the atlantic.
"
"my baccalaureate degree's what i prize,
for the knowledge and skill it implies.
so smart i seem alien,
i'm sesquipedalian,
and erudite, learned, and wise.
"
"a sinner, a thief, a hard case
by barratry bettered his place.
he paid some religions
(and played them like pigeons).
now he's reverend saint rabbi, his grace.
"
"if you go to the gym, then you know
pumping iron helps muscles to grow.
but building up meat
in your cheeks is no feat:
you just use 'em to chew and to blow.
"
"the bollywood starlet, ms kitty
has taken to clothes itty-bitty.
she's bindaas, we're told?
independent and bold?
not frightened to flaunt her new ditty.
"
"my wife heard me mention an ore:
""'biotitic,' you called her!"" she swore.
her virulent burst?
and this isn't her first?
upon mica, i strongly deplore.
"
"they are three-wheeled and trusted and tried?
autorickshaws?one hell of a ride!
though they quack, burp and bellow
in black, green and yellow,
they're symbols of third-wordly pride.
"
"if you're someone whose memory's rotten
and you feel like your head's full of cotton ?
sorry, this is a bore.
what's the word this is for?
now my topic, i fear, is forgotten.
"
"a monk who was filled with despair
sought to serve in the army in prayer.
in a foxhole he fought,
for the old saying taught
that no atheists ever were there.
"
"""there once was a person called name
whose lewd quality won some acclaim""
(this form is archaic,
and quite formulaic,
but funny enough all the same).
"
"a young man was once warned not to go
to some prophets by those in the know.
""don't be fooled by these frauds,
by their tricks and their gauds.
what they claim they can do is foreshow.""
"
"a portly old man, seeming nice,
offered draft-dodgers help, for a price:
""so, you want to be flatfoot?
choose this foot or that foot?
i'll hop on your arch once or twice.""
"
"mention ark, noah first comes to mind.
'twas his boat that saved two of each kind.
next it's sacred law's chest,
or perhaps it's known best
with a cap., where bill clinton's enshrined.
"
"a baltimore poet named poe
once raved about ravens, you know?
so a baltimore team
took their name in esteem.
as an homage, it seemed apropos.
"
"an anvil's a block made for shaping
hot metals, and there's no escaping
in the ear it's a bone
that picks up the loud tone
when smithies are banging and scraping.
"
"though a hemorrhoid oft tends to be heinous,
it's not all that's a pain in the anus:
there are drivers who swerve,
smokers pluck my last nerve,
and my boss, king of heartburn and grayness.
"
"though he entered the labyrinth unfazed,
a wrong turn left him puzzled and dazed.
twists and turns, ins and outs,
caused directional doubts....
at the exit he felt quite amazed.
"
"the word apteryx means ""kiwi bird,""
and not ""kiwi fruit"" (so i've heard).
""sans wings"" is its heart,
if you take it apart,
and applies to the bird, fruit, and word.
"
"a chartered accountant named ned
ran costs through his spreadsheet and said,
""these figures are boring
and leave people snoring.
i'd rather tame lions instead.""
"
"a person from phoenix? phoenician.
and someone from venice? venetian.
but this present submission
means ""growth by addition.""
it's not ""one from crete""; it's accretion.
"
"amniocentesis can ascertain sex ?
which was formerly guessed with a hex.
if you know it's a boy,
you can buy the right toy,
so it makes parents' lives less complex.
"
"as i floated downstream in a raft,
a giant sea serpent struck aft.
said i, all aquiver,
""hey, this is a river!
d'ya think that old serpent's gone daft?""
"
"ms. pamela anderson lee
looks rather fantastic to me.
her breast augmentation ?
this chesty inflation ?
has grown her to 34-d.
"
"in a limerick, it seems that acridity
would be hard to define with lucidity.
if this shot's not to stink,
i must sit here and think...
maybe ""bad smell"" would have some validity.
"
"santana's old album abraxas
with mystical music attacks us.
the notes weave a spell,
a charm to compel,
with magic like hendrix's axis.
"
"babyhood's just the first stage
on your path to an elderly age.
your life lies before you
and people adore you,
forgiving your infantile rage!
"
"when tending to red, puffy skin,
note that abscesses may grow within.
though you may start out queasy,
to pop them is easy:
just give them a prick with a pin.
"
"it's abembryonic, this spot
(it's one where the embryo's not).
whilst forming a baby,
we find that there may be
some places unfit for a tot!
"
"leaves that are  basally found
are sited quite close to the ground.
whilst big, green and beefy,
they make the plant leafy,
but easily fall ? they're unsound.
"
"there once was a boy named nathaniel,
who wanted to walk his dog, daniel.
said the dog, ""hey there, bub!
i am sealing the tub!
don't you think i'm a fine caulker spaniel?""
"
"when i was still young and naive,
the words ""sealing wax"" i'd perceive
to be wax for your ceiling.
i now have a feeling
the wax would fall off, i believe!
"
"i was seeking invective much greater
(forget merely loather or hater!).
i yelled to my foe,
""may you welter in woe,
you abominator, go! see you later!""
"
"a guest came with sweaters to spare
and wanted to store them; but where?
i told him, ""don't forage
for under-bed storage.
just look: cedar chest sitting there.""
"
"if ashley and sweet mary-kate
were to live in a caliphate state,
they'd be hidden by veils,
and their video sales
would be peaking at seven or eight!
"
"a beer garden snack sure to please,
often partnered with pretzels, one sees.
it's made in that area
known as bavaria?
allgauer emmentaler cheese!
"
"our anecdotes speak to events,
both amusing and telling ones?hence,
they're just windows on life?
on its concord and strife?
but they're pickets, and not the whole fence.
"
"are anthropolites petrified men?
ask those giants from cardiff. back then,
""are they real or a hoax?
maybe practical jokes?""
was a matter for biblical ken.
"
"when the audio cannot be heard,
understanding the tv's deferred?
until there to be seen,
as it scrolls on the screen,
helpful captioning gives us the word.
"
"to a hermit, a cloister was shown.
as a home 'twas proposed as his own.
""amongst monks cenobitic,
i might cell with a twit. ick!
i'm better off living alone.""
"
"where current must flow is a factor,
when planning to use a contactor.
so if you don't know
your n.c. from n.o.
then it's best that you call a contractor.
"
"a fisherman loaded his dhow
with more weight than the craft would allow.
a passerby laughed,
""hey, you're showing your aft!
you've got much too much bait in the bow.""
"
"she prays, with her head hanging down,
""lord, send us a biblical noun.""
then her bible she cracks,
and it opens to acts.
now it's festus we're calling our town.
"
"i saw in a plumbing display,
from a porcelain shell, water spray.
i stooped over to drink,
but then happened to think,
""oh, my goodness! so that's a bidet.""
"
"bathed with fragrance, in nightclothes quite sheer,
she bemoaned that he wouldn't come near,
crying, ""how do you measure
ambrosial pleasure?""
he said, ""steak, and a six-pack of beer.""
"
"not across spelled out wonky, me ducky.
i won't sweet-talk ya, that's so horse?pucky.
it's like mannose or glucose
or dextrose or sucrose?
but acrose is fake and it's sucky!
"
"i once had a dumpy old frumpet;
it looked like a frumpy old trumpet.
it was short, it was squat,
and it honked a whole lot?
like a goose when you thump it or whump it.
"
"the world's lacked a leader named cleon
from four twenty-two (that's b.c.) on.
had his life been dilemma-less,
maybe pericles' nemesis
would have ruled over athens an eon.
"
"if it's iron with which you would deal,
then cementite has certain appeal.
it's a compound which we
write as fe3c,
and it helps you to harden your steel.
"
"bottom fisher is sometimes a term
for an angler low-dangling a worm.
but it also can mean
an investor who's seen
buying under-priced stocks in a firm.
"
"to use language that somehow will stun,
and inform or impress everyone,
state things boldly, with force,
and repeat them, of course.
asseveration: it's what you've just done.
"
"a fat-laden diet will brew
a waistline that's ugly to view,
but the worst it produces
is that often it looses
atheromatous tendencies too.
"
"a centromere's really the waist
'twixt the arms of a chromosome placed.
it helps by providing
a ""hook"" while dividing,
so the new arms are properly spaced.
"
"if you're finding the world not fantastic,
and you're willing to do something drastic,
be a brother and see
just how good life can be
when all that you do is monastic.
"
"the slope king was forced to resign
when given a curve, not a line.
then i found with elation
differentiation.
the title of king now is mine.
"
"""when carbon chains have in their troops
precisely two ch3 groups,
you call them dimethyl,""
said lucy to ethel,
as ricky helped fred try on toups.
"
"if you need to cool off, or fear pain,
chloroethane can help keep you sane.
""five h's, two c's,
and one cl, please!""
shall eternally be your refrain.
"
"a cobbler who wanted to show
the delicate shoes he could sew
made a showcase vitrine
where his shoes could be seen
and the wares you might wear he could stow.
"
"the guests at a tr?s posh soir?e
were dismayed by an awful bouquet.
'twas not wine, white or red,
but the host, who was dead,
and whose corpse had begun to decay.
"
"said a bright conjoined twin, ""there's a lotta me.
since my other half had a lobotomy,
now i think for us both,
thinking thoughts she was loth
to pursue. 'twas an awkward dichotomy.""
"
"a printer named charlie mcdutz
had a passion for holiday cuts.
he'd hold them and smile,
and then in a while,
he'd fondle his 60-point nuts.
"
"said the knight, having slain the chimera,
""i thought it was just a big bear, a
mean goat, a big snake,
oh, my gosh, my mistake!
'twas a monster as angry as hera.""
"
"a sporty young cat from lucerne
thought cycling was easy to learn;
she jumped on the seat
and stretched out her feet,
but the pedals, unreached, did not turn!
"
"a romantic young poet named iris
wrote valentine cards on papyrus;
she composed billet doux
and sweet sonnets to woo
all her smitten and love-sick admirus.
"
"there once was a chap from ravello
whose goal was to master the cello;
he'd practice all day
'cause his aim was to play
just as well as that yo-yo ma fellow!
"
"a sous chef from podvolochisk
could cook up a mean lobster bisque;
she'd add extra cream,
fresh mussels and bream,
and mix it all up with a whisk.
"
"a fabulous feline called cleo
loved carnival time down in rio;
she'd join the parade
in full masquerade
and dance through the streets with great brio!
"
"for you, i have passion undying,
but to visit is too terrifying.
i've aviophobia;
you're in nairobi. the
fear will prevent me from flying.
"
"her medical school threw her out,
for her knowledge was always in doubt.
she told dr. vischer
an abdominal fissure
was a yeti who hunted for trout.
"
"my banker ignores my concern
for the interest my savings won't earn.
i think it's quite dire
this number's not higher:
my annual rate of return.
"
"my roommate does crunches galore
on inflatable balls and the floor
with effort phenomenal,
firming abdominal
muscles for all to adore.
"
"a-3 falcon's a biplane (what fun!)
like the ones used to fight off the hun,
now used only for shows
(and god only knows
where we'd be had the allies not won).
"
"my piano, last thursday, changed hands.
a plush theatre's where it now stands.
but i just didn't know,
when refusing the dough,
my old grand has great value, worth grands.
"
"rocky iv, as a film, is not great ?
anti-sovietism's something i hate.
it's the same as the rest;
when the villain looks best,
rocky floors him, i think in round eight.
"
"alghero's a town on the med.
""there's some beauts there,"" my cousin had said.
so i went ? spent a ton.
of the beauts, i saw none.
that's just me; i am easily led.
"
"if the culture you're aiming to gauge
from the paleolithical age
has an axe that is flaked
and bifacially raked,
then it's in the acheulean stage.
"
"when a sedative sleep is intended,
a barbiturate drug could be splendid.
but the dose that you choose
must be right, or your snooze
could be fatally overextended.
"
"cried the king, ""i am most discontented.
this castle's not well battlemented.
the towers are small,
we've no ramparts at all,
and the crenels are wrongly indented.""
"
"said the teacher, ""use all of your brain ?
how much sand will this basin contain?""
the class scratched its head,
'til one genius said:
""a basinful, sir, it is plain.""
"
"a rabbit has diets we lack;
they consume what they pass out the back.
therein lies the magic,
autocoprophagic ?
they'll never be stuck for a snack.
"
"i've come to a cynic's conclusion:
orthodontists are all in collusion.
though your teeth may be straight,
they will greedily state
that you have an abnormal occlusion.
"
"it's a detour not caused by construction,
an electrical signal obstruction.
in order to see it
you must ekg it ?
aberrant ventricular conduction.
"
"you might have a big celebration
when the pill causes anovulation.
but it may make you grave
if it's babies you crave ?
you need eggs to achieve procreation.
"
"you won't find him down at the mall,
or tipping one back at last call.
with anthropophobia
he's fated to go be a
hermit, afraid of us all.
"
"some people may think it obscene
to have more than one way that you lean,
but for soap it's idyllic
to be amphiphilic:
loving water and oil is clean.
"
"when they showed me a tool called an adze,
i was puzzled. what was it? egads!
the surroundings were strewn
with the wood that was hewn
by the deftly swung strokes of young lads.
"
"eggy mayonnaise mixes up swell.
both these words double letters to spell,
and aioli is found
when garlic is ground;
both the lemon and i's mix in well.
"
"there are times when life seems pretty hopeless
and i seem to be able to cope less.
by painting with blue
(that's azure to you),
then my humour returns and i mope less.
"
"if some riches will put you in rapture
and gambling's your method of capture,
being avid is wrong
'cause you'll linger so long
folks at home will then think you're a sap, sure.
"
"when the mind is quite absent upstairs,
well, you can't send it in for repairs.
you just have to make do.
so come up with some clue,
and your talk will not bring all those glares.
"
"said the cop, ""yep, the kid used a cleaver.
says his name is, umm, woodchuck?no, beaver.
whacked his dad and then soon
chopped his mom, name of june.
wally too?kid's an overachiever.""
"
"a clonk is the thump that you hear
as the front of your truck meets a deer.
though your girl will be stressed
and your grille quite impressed,
still, the venison's great with a beer.
"
"that will shakespeare was ""shakespeare"" dies hard;
'tis a rumor less fact, more canard.
i believe francis bacon,
if i'm not mistaken,
was not merely lard, but the bard.
"
"the process of analyzation
involves (of a whole) separation
down into its parts,
then laid out in charts
for meticulous amplification.
"
"an astrophotographer's place
is capturing pictures of space.
""i'd far rather shoot stars,
supernovae, or mars,
than a building, a car, or a face.""
"
"limericists aren't much for glamour,
and though some may speak with a stammer,
they're dandy with verse
(although mine's getting worse
as i aren't keen on using good grammar).
"
"to make yourself more apprehensible,
your limericks need to be sensible.
make it clear from the start,
so you'll seem super-smart,
and they'll cry, ""why, the lad's nearly mensa-ble!""
"
"when some venomous goo makes you ill,
the doc might prescribe you a pill.
if the pill's antitoxic,
you'll find that you're not sick
in time to receive the doc's bill.
"
"the  apple  that falls from the tree
doesn't go very far, you'll agree.
but, if dropped on a hill,
it could roll to a rill
and then possibly float out to sea.
"
"a puppy is cute, but a  cat 
is a critter i'll always tell ""scat!""
if it doesn't meander,
i fear that its dander
will puff up my face very fat.
"
"his upper-class accent he'd flaunt
and always would call her his ""awnt.""
so, rather than rant,
she'd say, ""call me your 'ant'.""
he'd reply,""oh, dear antie, i can't.""
"
"each morning i always awake
and feel in my members an  ache.
it is not that i'm cold,
i am just getting old,
and wish, like a dog, i could shake.
"
"there once was an  abbot  from cluny
whose monks were all making him loony.
he's escaped from the prayers
and the airs of the freres.
he's been traded and now he's a moonie.
"
"my wife craves a new belfast sink
in a colour akin to bright pink.
of course it must hold
water hot, water cold,
or guinness, a very fine drink.
"
"foolhardy stories are told
of stubbornly braving the cold.
when the wind's from the north
and you're sallying forth,
you're valiant, heroic, and bold.
"
"a bra is a vessel of sorts
that occupies men's waking thoughts
on whether it's just
to measure one's bust
in imperial gallons or quarts.
"
"there once was a lonely old burbot
who everyone thought was a herbert,
so just after tea
he swam off to the sea
where he married a fish, yes, a turbot.
"
"i've purchased, i've bartered, i've bought.
i've shopped till i dropped in the court.
i'm all out of cash,
and i'm getting a rash.
do i care? not a bit! not a thought!
"
"i never concatenate strings;
i just catenate those little things.
of syllables few,
i'm a man through and through.
shorter words? my heart joyfully sings!
"
"back and forth do i go ? i confess,
saying alternateness gives me stress.
here, the anapest press
puts a stress on the -ness,
so i use that, but under duress.
"
"join alter with -ableness, yes?
that's a word that i'd like to repress.
the same root would i use,
but the end i'd refuse.
use -ability ? that i would bless.
"
"he planted, my son, an alstonia
where i asked him to plant a begonia.
i yelled, ""hey, you big lout,
this dumb tree must come out,
else, i mean it, i swear i'll disownia.""
"
"now doesn't catholicate sound
like a verb that's mistakenly nouned?
but a noun is its niche;
it's the region in which
a catholicos bosses around.
"
"two sloths in a tree at the zoo
had begun, very slowly, to woo.
said the unau, ""oh, my!""
""something wrong?"" asked the ai.
""what a shame that you're three-toed; i'm two-.""
"
"most limerick editors say
that the rhyme scheme's aabba.
by a different token,
non-purists have spoken:
""such rules are just made to be broken.""
"
"the proctologist said with a grin,
""i'll just slip this colonoscope in.""
with a ""hope you don't mind,""
he attacked my behind.
such discomfort, it makes my head spin.
"
"to buckle: it's done to your shoe
when counting from one up to two.
for three and for four
we're told ""shut the door.""
if your shoes stink, then shut it. i do.
"
"she moved to la, with its smog, an'
it quickly popped into her noggin,
""perhaps, as a starter,
for a thong, i can barter
this useless wisconsin toboggan.""
"
"an indian excise, or duty,
on liquor and similar booty,
is known as abkari,
so pay, or be sorry ?
in prison they'll throw your patootie!
"
"a shepherd whose garments were drab
said, ""they're woven from only the abb.
i must sell all the best
of the wool, and the rest
has, of quality, only a dab.""
"
"i suffered from great disappointment
when i went to my doctor's appointment.
he could not cure the itch
that was making me twitch,
for he had no abirritant ointment.
"
"when once to a beggar compared,
he sneered through his teeth, which he bared,
""though i'm near holyrood,
i can buy my own food ?
i am certainly no abbey-laird!""
"
"the bacteria gently abask,
in the medium here in my flask,
from their genial world
are most brutally hurled,
once my bunsen has warmed to its task!
"
"my country hick cousin would meet us
(like the simpsons show character, cletus)
in town every day
with a wagon of hay
and a bumpkinish ""howdy!"" to greet us.
"
"joe mccarthy accused many gents.
conspiracy was the offense.
though the charges were hollow
more witch hunts would follow;
anticommunists spurned common sense.
"
"a curmudgeonly brit's muttered claim:
""litigation is common law's shame!
the barristers' trust is
in winning, not justice.
the adversary system's to blame.""
"
"the bufflehead winters in cali
in numbers too many to tally ?
distinctive white patches
mark ducks found in batches
all over the san joaquin valley.
"
"the aide, as the policy tanks,
is protecting the president's flanks.
throughout the big tent,
there will be no dissent ?
he'll be sacked if he ever breaks ranks!
"
"there once was a zen buddhist chap,
who arose from a prurient nap.
he found a solution
through fast self-pollution,
but contracted the one-handed clap.
"
"richard strauss, after several quite hot shows,
dined out with his friends muy borrachos.
with a taste for things mexican
(or perhaps they were texican),
he wrote ariadne auf nachos.
"
"my wife's bootyliciousness rises;
her magnificent butt has won prizes.
but now i'm appalled
to learn i've been called
to pay up by the court of assizes.
"
"the dba mouse is dilute
in its color. its hair's brown, to boot,
and it's quite non-agouti.
from nose to patootie,
this mousie is terribly cute.
"
"there once was a man of antarctica
with bad balanitis xerotica.
his wife had kraurosis
(that's lichen sclerosus),
so neither got any erotica.
"
"the good folks in the pews never knew
that their minister, reverend mchugh,
had white tissue ? two feet! ?
hanging down his pants' seat.
'twas the choir loft that furnished the view.
"
"as a dancer, i've stayed, stayed, and stayed
for auditional encores and prayed.
it's a call-back i need,
though my poor feet may bleed ?
""the quintessence of making the grade.""
"
"understanding his speech was a pain.
(was the problem his mouth or his brain?)
though the kid was a star,
buckwheat's words were bizarre!
you should take them with salt (just a grain).
"
"i admit my plan's not avant-garde,
but suppose your front lawn's looking scarred:
to get topsoil aerated
and the thatch bed abated,
have earthworms released in your yard.
"
"goodly knights in the brave days of yore,
twin ailettes on their broad shoulders wore.
epaulets de rigueur
for the knightly set were
these small shields, square yet chic when at war.
"
"oh, how versatile, bone ash! (my stash
comes from cattle bones burned in a flash.)
in ceramics, for scours,
to fertilize flowers?
don't toss out those bones in the trash!
"
"i turned myself into a clown
whenever i noticed a frown.
i abased myself gladly,
for people (quite sadly)
will laugh when you put yourself down.
"
"if they built it or did it before
the war of nor... er, civil war,
it's called antebellum:
and now you can tell 'em
your vocab's increased by one more.
"
"the greeks went beyond and above
with their labels for each sort of love.
agape means caring
without any sharing
of bodies, or portions thereof.
"
"dad's adenoids swelled in his throat
till he snored like an old motorboat.
when he got them removed,
his sleeping improved,
and the docs got a big thank-you note!
"
"while going to purchase a zither,
i waffled, and started to dither.
i walked as i pondered
and aimlessly wandered,
meandering hither and thither.
"
"a scholarly gentleman courted
disaster with works unsupported.
his thoughts categorical
were so ahistorical
that nothing got properly sorted.
"
"every cook knows that when one is faced
with a chicken to roast, one should baste
the chook in its juices ?
i'll hear no excuses ?
the basting will heighten the taste.
"
"a poison from mould, aflatoxin
is worse when combined with dioxin.
it doesn't seem fair,
but this cancerous pair
affects humans more often than oxen.
"
"good banter is usually witty.
i'll allow to the girl that she's pretty
but then make some joke ?
i'm a lighthearted bloke.
if the lass doesn't laugh, it's a pity.
"
"i'll barrack for carlton in june.
i do hope they start winning soon,
for their talents are strong
and their legs are so long ?
if i see them, i'm likely to swoon.
"
"even frodo from lord of the rings
had some baggage to hold all his things:
a nice bedroll or sack,
or a pack on his back,
or a steamer ? the baggage of kings.
"
"a cartoonist who draws very well
on a transparent sheet called a cel
shows the deeds of a gent
who is known as clark kent,
or as superman, or as kal-el.
"
"an inscription that's boustrophedonic
may be found on a column ionic.
every other line backwards
is how it will stack words,
so it may look a trifle moronic.
"
"those barbershop songs are great things:
a quartet or a chorus that sings?
tenor, lead, bass, and bari's
close harmony marries
four notes, and the chord locks and rings.
"
"when you don't have a fever or chills
or a cough as a sign of your ills,
you are asymptomatic.
it's not so dramatic.
you're not looking green 'round the gills.
"
"the bass has the deepest of voices;
in the f clef he greatly rejoices.
in the chorus's placement
he's down in the basement;
the parts that are low are his choices.
"
"if something is ancient, it's old,
like egypt's boy pharaoh tut's gold.
it's existed for years
like the most primal fears
of past generations untold.
"
"an abridgeable work should be mended.
it's too long, and you wish it were ended?
like a three-hour quiz,
or act one of les miz,
or a limerick that ends with two anapests more than intended.
"
"i plan to remain here all day;
'neath the blankets is where i will stay.
you can call me a bum,
but i won't move a thumb.
so please leave me alone.  go away!
"
"the coppers a crime scene surveyed
where some salt and a knife were displayed.
""whoever's at fault,
has committed assault
with a weapon that's deadly!"" they bayed.
"
"you've come up to the attic tonight,
under rafters where spiders will bite.
ghosts and goblins appear,
and you're quaking with fear.
hurry up now and turn on the light!
"
"an aspiring young fed looked about
in a hunt for subversives to rout.
on his very first case
he put moles to the chase
and a spy ring thus ferreted out.
"
"my cat is an odd little boy;
when it's light he won't touch any toy.
but at night, around one,
he will have so much fun
being active and yowling with joy.
"
"antipasto's a thing that's ideal
if you don't want a big, heavy meal.
not spaghetti that's sauced
or a salad that's tossed,
just a starter with tasty appeal.
"
"i had once known a blonde, fit and tanned,
who had breasts that were really quite grand.
when i asked, ""are they fake?""
she said, ""no! goodness' sake!
i made sure that i bought a name brand.""
"
"all you big states sure know how to knock
little delaware?oh, how you mock!
i admit, i am small,
but my size isn't all:
don't forget, i am known for my cock.
"
"biden claims he's a regular joe?
he was born up in scranton, you know.
he's a senator (delaware),
as everyone's well aware,
and his son's an a.g., nicknamed beau.
"
"""for limericks, paul, you've no ear.""
so i studied abroad for a year:
i went to nantucket,
even got me a bucket,
but there's something still missing, i fear.
"
"as i looked o'er the edge of the coaming
at the sea with its crashing and foaming,
it finally clicked
that i had been tricked?
this wasn't the bus to wyoming.
"
"what may look like a soda pop can
is a devious marketing plan:
we pay more than we oughter
for sweetened brown water
'cause it's drunk by some babe with a tan.
"
"now hannibal's one to opine
that broad beans go well with red wine.
with liver or lamb
(or starling, or ham)
chianti's especially fine.
"
"salvation's a quite worthy goal,
redeeming from sin someone's soul.
a list can be made
of those needing aid;
a bead-roll is that sort of scroll.
"
"old glassmakers harbored a stash
of plants which could make soda ash.
agretti is most
often found by the coast;
and farmers now grow it for cash.
"
"australia once started a trend:
a straight cut is easy to tend.
now bangs are a passion,
a hair-trimming fashion,
to look like a horse's rear end.
"
"the devil produces a spark
of power for spells in the dark.
black arts are espoused
by people like faust
who bargain their souls for a lark.
"
"a lady who uses perfume,
and wishes to make the smell bloom,
packs a cassolette pot
with musk and coals hot,
producing a well-scented room.
"
"he was filled with a terrible malice
when he learned of the murder of alice.
avenging her death,
he did in the foul beth
with the poison he put in her chalice.
"
"there once was a girl named alceste
whose temper was testy at best,
but her artwork, you see,
was serene as could be.
to this i can truly attest.
"
"baby-sitter: a job that's misnamed.
it implies something vaguely untamed.
but with more inquisition,
it means supervision
of children, so no one is maimed.
"
"my dog is not pretty to see.
his legs are curved out at the knee.
though bowlegged and old,
he'll never be sold,
because he is so dear to me.
"
"i filmed this in under a day.
the spaceship was made from red clay,
but still my b movie
was suave and quite groovy.
a perfect cult classic, they say.
"
"an asthmatic old fellow named clem
was cursed by great masses of phlegm.
""ahem, ahem (spit),
ahem, ahem (spit),
ahem, ahem (spit), and ahem!""
"
"an ache is a kind of a pain;
you felt it from getting the cane.
the pain is not sharp,
though many folk carp
or blame minor aches on the rain.
"
"there was an old man from brazil
who fell on a massive anthill.
all the ants did attack
this delicious new snack
and their bites made him feel very ill.
"
"the stupid blonde bimbos of gor
love treatment that they should abhor.
they're all silly girls
dressed only in pearls;
too bad that it's all such a bore.
"
"there was a young man from la
who swallowed his beer the wrong way,
which started him coughing,
and friends in the offing
all found themselves covered in spray.
"
"so the coast calls the sea to the land
to ejaculate foam on the sand.
it's the line that will keep
what is dark, blue and deep
from the sunbathing folks on the strand.
"
"mixing acid with jazz may enthuse us,
though explaining just why might confuse us.
stir the pot with a dash
of beats bleeping and brash,
but those dance steps will always bemuse us.
"
"to cherish, madonna opined,
meant to treasure, to hold unmaligned.
as success disappears
we look back on those years;
to replay her old hits we're inclined.
"
"some call cobalt a tint or a hue
that resides between black and dark blue,
or a dirty explosion
with navy corrosion,
but as paint on my wall it'll do.
"
"oh! a great gastronomic mishap
concerns ch?teauneuf-du-pape:
though the grapes are selected
till the flavour's perfected,
i've never once found it on tap.
"
"a cartographer's role was to rove
'cross the earth charting coastline and cove.
but, alas, google earth
stole his role and his worth
by upgrading the web that he wove.
"
"i'm achier now that i'm done,
with a 26.2 mile run.
a marathon's price:
lots of aspirin and ice.
and a wish that i had not begun.
"
"amittai begat a young male
whose life was a biblical tale.
yes, jonah's his name,
and his main claim to fame
was surviving a ride in a whale.
"
"if acidophilic, you're prone
to prefer a less alkaline zone.
but your secret desire
is something much higher:
to be timothy leary's first clone.
"
"the kodiak lives life alone,
which sometimes evokes a sad moan.
his voice is so deep
even fellow bears weep
upon hearing his baritone groan.
"
"a barracker offers a toast,
or jeers at an old buddy's roast.
he may scoff, he may cheer,
when he's offered a beer,
thus evoking a rise from his host.
"
"a hyphen with hair? that's so brash!
she thought i was acting quite rash.
she said she preferred
(though i thought it absurd)
parting words with a plain balder dash.
"
"the first line is always so clever;
line two is a brilliant endeavor.
line three and line four
are all that, and much more.
oh, but aarrgh! how line five takes forever!
"
"while nathan attempts to impress her,
he gambles at times that distress her.
and though he will falter
en route to the altar,
miss adelaide won't love him loesser.
"
"a student (who soon was disgraced)
produced a term paper in haste.
he shoulda revised,
and not plagiarized.
he's been cut 'cause his time wasn't paced.
"
"when a bright mathematical whiz
was expounding on data of his,
i berated him so:
""data are! don't you know
that it's datum that goes with an is?""
"
"i knew from the moment i'd seen her
she had quite a playful demeanor.
she's way much more fun
than a dog in a bun.
my dachshund is sure a prize wiener.
"
"if dressing in black's a mistake
when giving your tresses a shake,
you've got to demand stuff
to clear up your dandruff
so people won't think you're a flake.
"
"the secrets of nato, for sure,
are rated to make them obscure.
top secret no doubt ?
even cosmic (far out!) ?
all keeping them highly secure.
"
"i went to an ed physician,
whose pills assured frequent emission.
now each four-hour excess
makes me call ems,
to get help for my partner's condition.
"
"when i need things i go to the mart,
where i quickly can fill up a cart.
but the line i get in
takes forever to thin,
while the shoppers in others depart.
"
"i saw a young man make advances,
upon a sweet girl, with his glances.
she seemed not to mind
'til he touched her behind
and that wrote 'the end' to his chances!
"
"there once was a mother from clare,
who was blest in a manner quite rare.
for three eyes, it is said,
graced the back of her head ?
one oval, one round, and one square.
"
"norway's aphrizites ? black tourmalines ?
""frozen foam"" must be what the term means:
scandinavian froth
goddess-pretty and goth,
hard-to-score, yet attached to wild scenes.
"
"lovely leda, of sparta the light,
swanned about till her lover took flight;
clytemnestra and helen
hatched with brothers for shellin',
a whole gaggle of kids-not-all-right.
"
"barnyard animals' functions are easy;
barnyard sights, sounds, aromas are sleazy.
people diss the poor beasts,
then dissect them as feasts;
barnyard humor is not for the queasy.
"
"aristotle, the sagest of knowers,
wrote of seminal thoughts and their sowers,
""mind,"" ""perfection,"" and stuff,
till we'd cry ""hold, enough!
we'd prefer delphi's smoke and its blowers.""
"
"drag-and-drop is a trick in computing
for iconic reboot-free re-rooting,
weightless, waitless transposing
of whatever's imposing
on the now-here of cyber-commuting.
"
"there was once a greek geezer named aesop
who loved talking the birds and the bees up.
said a youth, ""act your age!""
""you mean senile, or sage?
i will make all the fables i please up!""
"
"hope when bailing out over the ocean
that your parachute's packed with devotion,
so it stops your free  fall
(for there is no recall);
then the water you'll hit in slow motion.
"
"in medical terms there's a word
that not very many  have heard.
'tis true, in all lands,
for those born without hands
(that's acheiria)  clapping's absurd.
"
"a low shrub, by the name of beach heather,
thrives high on the dunes in all weather.
in northeast usa,
it's like heath on the bay,
with its tiny white blooms tight together.
"
"the carnivorous utricularia
can thrive in a watery area.
named bladderworts,  they
will consume tiny prey
and are found from peru to bavaria.
"
"a dolphin (a mammal cetaceous)
finds the ocean, his home, very spacious.
while surfing the sea,
he has fish for his tea
and leaps from the waves?quite audacious!
"
"when hearing deep-sea orchestration,
there's nothing, in my estimation,
as good as the whale;
its glorious scale
truly makes it a singing cetacean.
"
"when your manners are bitter and crude,
and you're not being kind, but just rude?
you may think you look tough,
but i've had quite enough,
'cause your brusqueness is hard to elude.
"
"a brent is a goose in the cold
that flies south for the winter, i'm told;
but to us he's a friend
who came north in the end,
with a heart that is made out of gold.
"
"when i go out alone late at night,
i keep toothbrush and passport in sight?
'cause should aliens grab me
as their next abductee,
i'll make sure i'm prepared for the flight.
"
"when you're out manufacturing glue
or plastics or paint-thinner, you
need buckets of this.
yes, acetol's bliss?
oh, and perfect for cleaning stuff too.
"
"i crossed the old styx on vacation
and got trapped in a tight situation.
there i found aides' lair.
i thought, ""let's not go there!
but sail on to a friendlier station.""
"
"an afghan is easy to start?
just buy yourself threads and a chart.
but halfway, it appears
it will take you three years
just to finish the cross-stitching part.
"
"i have learned it's grammatically wrong
to start sentences, short ones or long,
with but. don't ignore
this rule ever, but for
certain cases where but does belong.
"
"a kitniyot eater, sefardi,
throws the season's best passover party.
ashkenazim like me,
though invited, can't be
at her house eating grains that are hearty.
"
"from ""bullen"", they changed to ""boleyn"",
and they soon became royalty's kin,
so in eighty-one years,
went from peasants to peers.
""anne the queen"" made her family grin.
"
"my happy, agreeable mood,
when i smile and i laugh and don't brood?
amenability?yes,
is amenableness.
it depends on which suffix you've glued.
"
"it would add to my parents' minds' ease
if you all would just please, pretty please,
try to stay on this side
of appropriate. i'd
rather  not  hear of birds or of bees.
"
"as a sailor in battle, beware
when you're feeling no wind in your hair,
'cause you're stuck!  you're becalmed!
you can't move if you're bombed!
grab your oars and make wake out of there!
"
"""i'm dehumanized, sir.  i'm a wretch.
you claim i'm your best friend?  it's a stretch,""
said poor ralph, quite sincere.
but his master could hear
only ""woof!"" and said, ""good boy. now fetch.""
"
"""mister smith,"" said the bank, ""no offense,
but your business plan doesn't make sense.
tell us how you'll prevail
with a loss from each sale?""
""maybe volume?"" smith said, looking tense.
"
"welcome home! umm...while you were away,
i neglected to feed your pet jay.
but wait, i've atoned
by having him cloned
as a goldfish.  i hope that's okay.
"
"it's a quite contradictable claim
that your boa constrictor is tame.
it appears that you've lied:
there's a lump in its side
that can still be heard screaming your name.
"
"do not enter until i confess
that my house is a bit of a mess.
still, it is my dominion,
so hold your opinion
and your nose (so the smell will be less).
"
"c++ oft defies all inspection;
it's a language of pure misdirection.
so when a points to b
and then b points to c,
where does c point?  i've no recollection.
"
"the bite was skin-deep when poor fred
was attacked by a monster undead.
though it's now just cutaneal,
if the poison goes cranial
we'll have to shoot fred in the head.
"
"bimillennial parties are great,
but for 2,000 years, you just wait.
see, the last one we threw
was in... what... '92?
and before that, in b.c.e. 8!
"
"as the benthamites said long ago,
we should maximize happiness. though
i admit it sounds sappy,
when more folks are happy
the world's better off, don't you know?
"
"i asked my good buddy rodrigo,
""say, how does your friendship decree go?""
""a friend who's in need
is a friend, yes indeed,
but a friend who's in spain's an amigo.""
"
"tell me, what is a person to do
when one bites off more than one can chew?
should you up and come clean?
say you just didn't mean
to commit and then not see it through?
"
"this angel-food cake, it delights:
sugar, flour and eggs (well, the whites).
oh, it's lighter than air,
and i'd sure love to share,
but the devil in me takes big bites.
"
"we've all had to sit and endure
the duck hawking aflac, i'm sure.
now the backstory goes
that this duck has its woes:
""aflatoxicosis!""  it squawks for a cure!
"
"if english is native to you,
if you're white, and your parents are, too;
if mom isn't madre,
if dad isn't padre,
when they call you an anglo, it's true.
"
"aminopyrine was used to ease pain;
several died when they tried this: no gain.
to cure or to kill,
it is all in this pill.
gee, no thanks, i feel fine; i'll refrain.
"
"your colors are red, white, and blue;
the flag is important to you.
you can't help but express
your americanness;
to your country, you'll always be true.
"
"the u.s. constitution's dependable;
it lives and it breathes ? it's amendable.
but do so with care;
some additions impair,
and can cause strain and strife undefendable.
"
"when your thoughts can be told in a tale,
your ideas are mouthed without fail,
words form in your head,
and your sayings are said ?
you're on an articulable trail.
"
"if you've had it with skins that are light,
hate them all, and consider them blight,
you may have some issues
with others' skin tissues
and soon you'll be called antiwhite.
"
"when you've this 'round your waist you can dance,
or compete in a tough game of chance.
with a belt, have no fright.
if you falter, you might
lose your shirt, but you won't lose your pants!
"
"when i go to the movies, you see,
no one else wants to sit next to me.
for though i might try
not to sniffle and cry
i'm a bawler: i sobbed in t3.
"
"when i go to the beach, i feel fine,
'cause my two-piece looks really divine!
though it bares lots of skin,
it makes me look thin,
so i bear with its daring design.
"
"it was often quite quiet at work,
and i saw my free time as a perk.
i spent my whole day
in the office, at play,
'til my boss bawled me out! (what a jerk...)
"
"when you're stung by a thing that was said,
or maybe some words that you read,
then the comment was barbed
and you'd say it was garbed
not in kindness, but cruelty instead.
"
"though you'll feel like you're hanging in air,
you can stand there with nary a care.
if the railings are strong
(and if nothing goes wrong),
then the balcony keeps you up there.
"
"said a  dry cornish beggar in looe,
""you look very generous, you.
if you give me ten p
i'll go get me some tea.""
""here's twenty, i'll have a cup too.""
"
"the life of an ablet is bleak;
it's admired, despite its physique,
for its scales are so pearly
they'd convince any girly
she'd been given a priceless antique.
"
"caerleon, near newport in gwent,
is where arthur perhaps placed his tent.
he had a round table
and knights fully able
to follow wherever he went.
"
"if the rhyme of romance is so easy,
why is it my readers feel queasy
when i write of the flowers,
and light april showers?
do they think that my verse is too cheesy?
"
"i'll attempt to explain my position
after many long hours of revision;
i try to keep writing,
but line 5 keeps fighting
to spoil my chance with this mission.
"
"there's a bug in my bios, you see?
my computer's not talking to me.
and i can't talk to it,
not a byte nor a bit!
can you fix it for me, for a fee?
"
"acanthi on yearly vacations
will visit consanguine relations.
acanthaceae cousins
troop in by the dozens
to gossip and boast of their stations.
"
"from germany's primitive past,
ambiguous casts were amassed
of feathery lizards
(for flying through blizzards?).
archaeopteryx had quite a blast.
"
"euphonium, trumpet, trombone,
flute and flugelhorn, expertly blown
in a massive parade
by the bandsmen, displayed
the great skill of ""the president's own.""
"
"""invest in a 401(k).
now's the time and you mustn't delay!""
so bellowed my broker,
a white-collared joker
who whittled my nickels away.
"
"the bandsman, whose tuba was borne
by a porter, was showered with scorn
from the band.  a musician
who's won the audition
should modestly tote his own horn.
"
"as a cowboy of stair rails, he slides
from dawn until dusk.  he abides
the splinters and rashes
and tumbling crashes
on the banistered trail, as he rides.
"
"the back judge, most certainly paid,
considered the game un-delayed.
on replay, a second
was clearly not reckoned.
my backers, by his, were outplayed.
"
"teutonic jurassic stone strata
yield quarried ambiguous data:
reptilian creatures
with avian features,
archaeopteryx morphed our dogmata.
"
"when hearing extuberance said,
you might hear it wrong in your head.
you may hear exuberance;
but what is extuberance?
an actual protuberance, i've read.
"
"columniation was studied by kahn.
classic lines were his sine qua non.
his columns designed
with the parthenon in mind
make his beautiful buildings spot on!
"
"again! i forgot the damn rent!
and i've spent every cent i was lent.
i'll make a prediction:
i see an eviction!
i'll soon make my home in a tent.
"
"when young, i could eat any food:
pasta, bread, all the good stuff i chewed,
but at this age i swear
i can't carb-load?unfair!
and i don't walk by mirrors when nude.
"
"bridge is known as a card game so tough;
we who play it have cried, ""that's enough!""
count your points and then bid,
hope your id is well hid,
and your partner you never should bluff!
"
"armageddon, they say, is the end.
if it's true that the end's 'round the bend,
why bother with rhyme
as we face the end time?
who will read all the limericks we've penned?
"
"i'm right at the end of my tether;
i'm stuck in a storm i can't weather:
i was using some glue,
(haven't you done it too?)
now my fingers are bonded together.
"
"draw some lines joining dots in set a
to some dots in set b. then we say
it's bipartite if we
have no ""b"" joined to ""b""
and no ""a"" joined to ""a"". that okay?
"
"a laird wanting quiet and peace
lived a pacifist's life in dumfries.
so when enemies came
and surrounded his hame,
he beseeched the besiegers to cease.
"
"""it's just stupid!"" the sceptics all carolled,
""the idea should be pickled and barrelled!
to foretell how fates lie
with an arrow?"" ? said i,
""belomancy sure worked for king harold.""
"
"there's a hill that i think's rather neat.
it rises to eight hundred feet,
formed by glacial motion.
i haven't a notion
why it came to be called arthur's seat.
"
"when you're searching a dungeon for gold,
you'll meet monsters; have courage! be bold!
with this magical item
you'll easily fight 'em:
this artifact casts cone of cold.
"
"your smell is disgusting! your rankness
appalls me; and yet, your sheer blankness
of facial expression
is clearly confession ?
you won't take offence at my frankness.
"
"there once was a lawyer from ayr,
whose new clients, a quarrelsome pair,
tried contesting the split.
though the will was legit,
they still whined when they got their fair share.
"
"a young guy on spring break in key west
was the victim of wrongful arrest.
when he couldn't make bail,
he turned awfully pale,
'cause he saw his huge cellmate undressed.
"
"many tales are farfetched, we agree.
see our hero, the handsome marquis,
with his magical sword,
gain the dragon lord's hoard ?
epic action and home before tea.
"
"keep your head in the dead of the night,
lest you suffer the zombies' foul bite.
they will wade through remains
for the taste of sweet brains,
and their chomping is not a nice sight.
"
"in a case of cytolysis, first
a cell has superfluous thirst.
with osmosis awry,
the cell will then die:
excess water will cause it to burst.
"
"""to precipitate alkali salt,""
said my chemistry lecturer, walt,
""mix an acid and base.
when the atoms embrace,
the salt is then left by default.""
"
"a fine artwork he ventured to steal.
brought a copy, the theft to conceal.
but he made a mistake
by removing the fake,
when thinking the false one was real.
"
"""it's a fish with uncommon biology
and remarkably ancient chronology.
all the 'saurs it predates,
with its tough bony plates,""
said the student of paleontology.
"
"just as horse thieves are many ? galdang 'em! ?
so too are the ways to defang 'em.
an adjudicative fight
in the east works alright.
the old west?  no such test ? we just hang 'em.
"
"misreactin', ""oh my!! i've been hit
with an actin ? oh, my! ? cosis zit!""
said a chump when a lump
more malign than a mump
graced his jaw where a bumblebee'd bit.
"
"a tectonic plate taking a dive
makes geologists jitter and jive,
'cause the earth-shaking groan
in the benioff zone
means a new active margin's alive.
"
"excess cash?  not too sure what to do?
then the abstinence theory's for you!
shun your physical cravings
and build up your savings!
(for pleasure, watch treasure accrue.)
"
"sailing solo, the gale was a thriller!
but, in labor, she needed things stiller!
knowing just what to do,
she thought: ""first, i'll bring to,
then bring forth (with one hand on the tiller)"".
"
"tina asked a smart gard'ner just what
aegiceras might do for her plot.
he responded to tina:
""it's just a verbena.
it'll help, but it won't add a lot.""
"
"said the cop, with a soothing caress,
to the thug who was speechless with stress:
""try abdominal breathing
and soon you'll stop seething
with anger, calm down, and confess.""
"
"now i'm dumbstruck, in shock, and quite addled:
said my friend, ""with this secret i'm saddled.""
here she whipped out a plume
that resembled a broom,
and confessed, ""i'm a witch"" ? then skedaddled.
"
"picky pointer, a cliquey, lank digit,
chums with thumb, a squat, stand-alone midget.
joined as duo, as couple,
by a band of skin, supple,
these two work as a pincer-like widget.
"
"unbeknownst to myself, i'm a dual
personality, splitting my fuel
between two discrete selves
that are tricky as elves?
each tries snatching my mind like a jewel.
"
"gray issues hang right at the fray
and, like fringe at a hem, tend to splay:
is it wrong? is it right?
aye or nay? black or white?
all things dubitable sway either way.
"
"dyskinesia's my exercise boss.
how he rattles my cage?i get cross:
let me man my own body!
boy, his method's so shoddy?
i've a workout just trying to floss!
"
"for a brain i've a barbell: all weight,
ineffectual, solid in state...
hard to keep it aloft,
to think higher thoughts oft ?
i'm a dumbbell(e) ? and glad i look great!
"
"she's dysthymic and may need a doc:
life is drudgery, hard as a rock;
stonewashed blues are her hue,
and bright days like the few
colored folds in a faded old frock.
"
"will the duper swapped washington bills
for the lincolns i kept in my tills.
 he said, ""one gets you trine.
gimme three ? you'll have nine.""
just a wink and a wad, and i'm will's...
"
"abios is bios enhanced.
it is firmware that's truly advanced.
in rom it resides
as nimbly it guides
a computer to get up and dance.
"
"abashment's that feeling you dread
as embarrassment turns your cheeks red,
when composure is lost
and, regardless of cost,
you would rather be elsewhere instead!
"
"we call acreage a parcel of land
unimproved or where structures may stand.
if a verdant wide space,
it may be a nice place,
but to mow it might not be so grand!
"
"acrobatics requires great skills
every acrobat strengthens through drills.
forward rolls, tucks, and kips,
even triple back flips?
quite a strenuous way to pay bills!
"
"abend is an acronym showing
that programming logic's not flowing
quite the way that it should,
but it probably would
if the programmer's brain were more knowing.
"
"a thing can have abditive might
when it hides something else from the light.
encryption or stealth
or swiss bank account wealth
are three good examples to cite.
"
"samson, although he could fascinate,
the philistines chose to abacinate.
they blistered his eyes
so it was no surprise
when a bunch of them he did assassinate.
"
"a young woman once started to shout
after dining on far too much trout.
but the pain at her centre
was her offspring, in venter,
who was trying his best to get out.
"
"a circus performer, once stellar,
tripped and fell down the stairs to the cellar.
though his limbs were intact
it still ruined his act
as the damage was all cerebellar.
"
"the cacophonous people from stroud
are not only unspeakably loud
but discordant as well,
like a badly tuned bell,
yet of this they are terribly proud.
"
"just what do we mean by to be?
to have life or exist, we agree!
to take place or occur?
all of these, don't demur,
and to fit a description or three.
"
"describe apathy? oh, yes i can!
so my limerick will not rhyme or scan?
i agree this is so,
but the thing is, you know ?
i don't care.
"
"my sister from classes was barred
for ingesting cement in the yard.
a man named fabrizi
once said she was easy,
but after this meal she was hard.
"
"when to you my estate i do cede,
it's a legal, not physical deed.
so dismiss from your brain
these ideas about grain.
i'm not speaking of avian feed.
"
"""my escutcheon"", the combatant snipes,
""is not one of those flowery types
such as shelly or starry;
it's plain simple barry,
meaning painted in parallel stripes.""
"
"by the way in which words are aligned
in this sentence, its meaning's defined.
in another technique
(as in german and greek),
meaning's shown by the way they're declined.
"
"he invested his money in skis' wax,
which he made very cheaply from trees' wax.
but he would not explain
either losses or gain.
all he said was: ""that's none of your beeswax.""
"
"the light-skinned among us burn faster,
so sunbathing's fraught with disaster.
every blister and blype
of this sensitive type
will require therapeutical plaster.
"
"it's a horse made of iron: a train!
the aeropteron's almost insane!
it moves thanks to its steam.
there is no better scheme
for your travels, in sun or in rain.
"
"having taken a look at my waist,
i've decided to slim down post-haste.
and this time my diet ?
though i feel some disquiet ?
won't meet such a sense of distaste!
"
"your brain is installed in your head.
when it ceases to function, you're dead.
but some sex-obsessed guys
may escape from demise,
'cause each thinks with his penis instead.
"
"it now is quite trendy to blog.
in today's intellectual bog,
there are many nice voices
and the most varied choices.
yet there's seldom an outstanding frog.
"
"my husband's a train buff named ab;
his knowledge of steam is just fab.
this champion of rail,
and of trains' holy grail,
posts his cronies in limitless gab.
"
"when critiquing your trip from this town,
roger ebert, please smile and don't frown.
tell us, how long's the stint?
if you can, send a hint:
is the next life thumbs-up or thumbs-down?
"
"i gossiped but don't be offended.
your tagged, naked butt looked?um?splendid?
i'm sorry 'bout facebook.
oh, don't cite the casebook.
you're suing?  and now i'm defriended?
"
"a canadian bull staged a fake out ?
from rodeo life he would break out.
as he charged sun-filled bleachers,
calm patrons turned screechers!
they rounded him up. yum, a steak out!
"
"her hype of a potion nutritious
made her tipsy and somewhat suspicious.
but her scowl at mid-regimen
from the vitameatavegamen
said ""tasty"" does not mean ""delicious.""
"
"eddie haskell was bursting with pride.
june learned of his nuptials and cried.
he snatched up a cleaver,
but left it to beaver
to tell ward that wally's the bride.
"
"when pa got his luggage in reno,
he found he'd forgotten his beano.
he lit up the joint,
but more to the point,
his win(d) emptied out the casino.
"
"you dial and you text as you steer.
you read and you sext while in gear.
distracted while driving,	
or are you just striving
to rush to saint peter, my dear?
"
"my last day of work i'm gon' sock you.
snooze-teased me? now my turn to mock you.
gon' stomp you and boot you.
and stab you then shoot you.
alarm me? oh no! i'm gon' clock you.
"
"there once was a monstruous cat.
i saw that his  belly was fat.
while i sit, as i munch ?
well, i just have a hunch
that that cat cannot leave his old mat.
"
"i play the piano; that's why
herr beethoven's my kind of guy.
because f?r elise
is a mighty fine piece
i'll work 'til my fingers can fly!
"
"this limerick's over my head,
though i worked 'til my knuckles got red.
with my mucky line three
it just couldn't be,
so instead i just hid in my bed.
"
"there's something i need to confess:
the boy in my house makes a mess.
you really must see
that the boy, he is me.
my messy address gives mom stress!
"
"a fabulous fruit-loving fairy
turned everything into a berry.
she pointed her paw
at a big pile of straw,
and that berry came out very hairy.
"
"a bat has big ears, i know that,
with long wings that are bony and flat.
they fly out at night,
and may lead to some fright,
but, in baseball, don't use one to bat.
"
"the mouse and the hippo and pig
are animals little and  big.
some live in the zoo,
some can howl or moo,
and the meerkat timon loves to dig.
"
"my doctor can better the ill,
but not with a potion or pill.
he tells a short story
of personal glory:
that's anecdote antidote skill!
"
"since cable's no option for me,
i needed a source for tv.
dbs was my wish,
yes, a satellite dish,
but the signal was blocked by a tree!
"
"the golfer took aim from the tee
at the seventeenth hole, a par three.
his ball took a roll
down the green... in the hole!
that's an ace ? what a rare shot to see!
"
"a hobby that might seem obtuse
is birdwatching: what is its use?
well, observers id
every fowl that they see.
hey, they just spotted three: ""duck, duck, goose!""
"
"if our words are too modern for you,
or you hunger to see us renew
some outdated sets
of language, then let's
have archaic and eateth it too.
"
"last evening i sat down to poker;
this morning i find myself broker.
my flush (what a find!)
lost to five of a kind,
but that's life playing cards with a joker.
"
"there once was a man with a cold,
caught up in congestion's tight hold.
he carried no tissues
and quickly had issues,
but solved them by ""digging for gold.""
"
"the scurvy old sailor belied
a creature he fought till it died.
after hearing his whale
of a maritime tale,
""that's a bunch of beluga!"" i cried.
"
"in aintab the pistachios are cool,
and if you don't like 'em, you fool,
you will just have to sit tight,
'til condemned by a hittite
to a punishment nutty yet cruel.
"
"please bring me a sandwich with jelly,
or some bagels and lox from the deli,
for my loud borborygmi
makes it sound like a pigmy
is drowning inside of my belly.
"
"look how eager your bright wrinkled face is
at the thought of some tender embraces.
i know you've been thinking
that i have been winking ?
but it's only dermatochalasis.
"
"it is clear, and it makes me euphoric;
it is clear that to be anaphoric
a phrase's condition
must include repetition.
it is clear this rhyme's not metaphoric.
"
"we're up late, though the waiting will weary us,
and the night air may prove deleterious.
this cactus combines
white blossoms and spines.
it's the night-blooming acanthocereus.
"
"""but i thought,"" said the young aide-de-camp,
""that you said the young prince was a scamp.""
""don't mix anecdotical
knowledge with protocol,""
said sir john with a petulant stamp.
"
"she was once quite the rock concert-goer,
and she'd dance near the band just to blow 'er
teenage mind into chips,
and so now she reads lips.
could you speak just a little bit slower?
"
"grim madame defarge sat and knitted
their names and the crimes they committed.
as a citizeness,
she cried, ""kill the noblesse!""
so their heads, one by one, were unfitted.
"
"many chain letters threaten, coerce:
""break the chain and your lot will get worse.""
but good luck never ends
if you send them to friends.
""yeah, right,"" they will grumble and curse.
"
"a movie house entrepreneur
built a cinematheque with allure.
he had b movies barred,
except those that starred
monsieur jerry lewis, auteur.
"
"a political party can claim
""diversity,"" but it's a game.
they praise their big tent
at each public event,
but their talking points all sound the same.
"
"they performed buddhist music and dance
and sought accommodations in france.
but last tour, from their rooms,
guests heard big sonic booms,
so the french hotels all said, ""no chants!""
"
"""flip-flopper!"" they cry.  ""reprehensible!""
but i believe mostly defensible.
when the landscape's in flux
and the status quo sucks,
changeability is simply sensible.
"
"a chatterbox talks 'til you're numb
and your head pounds inside like a drum.
you would love to take flight,
but you're being polite
as you wait for a pause that won't come.
"
"'twas a steam engine incline inclined
that the union pacific designed.
its size clearly stated,
and though bottom plated,
this big boy has a tender behind.
"
"facial hair on a lady's fair skin
i have seen at the circus, wherein
it is more than okay
for a gal to display
hairy lip, whiskered cheeks, bearded chin.
"
"mountain climbing without a pup tent
in warm weather's a big non-event.
but in ice and in snow,
please don't ask me to go:
no assent for a bivouac ascent.
"
"i have heard from my dilated vein,
that dialysis can be a pain.
also this i have learned,
clean blood must be returned,
for if not, it would flow down the drain.
"
"a mason or joiner will revel,
in setting plans off with his bevel.
if his angle's all wrong,
and attention's not strong,
his work and his head won't be level.
"
"i'm ashamed (it's an utter disgrace)
of the thing that i did in that place.
i'd forgotten to flush,
which is why i now blush;
no, don't look, i'm all red in the face.
"
"deep in canada's wilderness lands,
your attention the blackfly commands.
for unless deet is sprayed
on the skin that's displayed,
the bug's bite and your blood will change hands.
"
"the bell maker's head was just reeling,
his error, no chance of concealing.
""it sounds like i've used
the wrong alloy,"" he mused.
""this bell metal's sure unappealing.""
"
"there's some funny stuff right in your eye,
but you can't clean it out, so don't try.
it's just goo, not a tumor,
called aqueous humor.
what a cornea jokester am i!
"
"as dean martin once said to stan laurel,
""bare your butt and i'll give you no quarrel.
since no judgments apply,
when your moon hits my eye
like a big pizza pie, that's amoral.""
"
"to avoid any reader's derision,
i write lim'ricks that rhyme with precision.
so relax, would ya, ma'am?
'cause i am what iamb.
god forbid i should use some elision!
"
"constitutional rights now begin
to look alienable?tenuous, thin.
find that hard to believe?
well, you're being naive!
guard your rights, or the terrorists win.
"
"there's the everglades' prime masticator!
if you fall off the boat?see you later.
better stay on the dock.
it's the truth, not a croc:
that's one hell of a big alligator.
"
"ambidextrous? my dirty young brother
has a gene handed down from our mother.
he can't claim it's the case
that he washed his own face,
but it's clear that one hand washed the other.
"
"when reagan and thatcher shared glory,
we missed this behind-the-scenes story:
ronnie said she was hot,
and believe it or not,
maggie said to him, ""i, amatory.""
"
"for the verses he writes and enjoys,
a thesaurus jack horner employs.
first he sticks in his thumb,
then he pulls out aplomb!
(that's a word that has come to mean ""poise."")
"
"i trekked through the highlands with maps
that were riddled with errors and gaps.
every scot i'd accost
told me, ""aiblins you're lost.""
that's a town or a river, perhaps?
"
"""adrenocorticotropin?""
her response wasn't what i was hopin'
when i asked (in that tone)
how to make a ""hormone""...
to my jokin' she wasn't that open.
"
"i could synthesize lipids all day,
but that acetyl coenzyme a
is a substance i lack.
now krebs' cycle's off track:
mitochondria in disarray.
"
"you must know it's considered a crime
(it's debasing an art
by corrupting its heart)
to forgo proper limerick rhyme
or to bastardize meter and time.
"
"so your lover demands an excuse
for your plans to go tour belarus?
try ""gardens of minks"" [sic]
or ""cheap vodka drinks"" [hic]
but not ""belarusian masseuse.""
"
"though the basking shark's size incites awe,
have no fear of that broad gaping maw.
its great gills filter water?
a zooplankton slaughter?
but bathers are safe from its craw.
"
"east texas: you're drilling a well,
and the trip tank is starting to swell...
when a roughneck named bud
hollers, ""weight up yer mud!""
add some barite or all goes to hell.
"
"pontius pilate, the vth roman chief
in jerusalem, found greatest grief
when the mob cried, ""to please us,
you must crucify jesus.
free barabbas, that murderous thief!""
"
"bahasa (of where?) indonesia
is a language. i don't mean to tease ya',
but for vocab and use,
you will need a kamus;
""dictionary"", if english would please ya'.
"
"for photons that propagate through
fiber optics (and atmospheres too),
there's always a smattering
(lost to backscattering)
dually waving at you.
"
"the veggie called celery's stringy
and greenish and chewy and clingy.
it gets stuck in my teeth
both above and beneath
so i'd rather eat some other thingy.
"
"though the cipher's a number, what eats me
is a puzzle that really defeats me.
my old math teacher taught
that a cipher is naught.
is it something or nothing?  that beats me!
"
"he found shooting the clerk at a store fun.
then he murdered his parents for more fun.
how much chutzpah he'd need
if he then tried to plead
for mercy because he's an orphan!
"
"the winemaker started to gargle:
""this product is far below our goal.""
his staff he lambasted.
by-products he tasted ?
potassium bitartrate!  that's argol.
"
"cereus ? night blooming plant.
i've been trying to grow one, but can't.
it should take little practice
to grow that tough cactus,
but my gardening talent is scant.
"
"circumcision is usually done
to an infant.  (i hope it's a son.)
someone cuts off the foreskin,
but not any more skin.
if done when he's grown, it's no fun.
"
"i've a cellulite fatty deposit
and i don't know what demon would cause it.
ugly rises and dips
on my thighs and my hips
make me want to go hide in the closet.
"
"cerebellum is part of the brain.
it's the portion that has total reign
over parts one can move.
it does nothing to prove
if the person is sane or insane.
"
"the person who lives his life celibate
should deliberate more than just, well, a bit
because giving up sex
has horrendous effects.
don't choose that option just for the hellibate.
"
"what's that? do you hear what i hear?
a carol? then christmas is near.
but ere winter, i long
to be rid of the song
of that one overpublicized deer.
"
"out too late at your favorite canteen?
need a pick-me-up? not feeling keen?
for a stimulant drug,
find some coffee to chug,
'cause that coffee is full of caffeine.
"
"a caddy's your guide, on the links,
to how the green rises and sinks.
he'll carry your clubs
up the hills, through the shrubs,
and carry you home after drinks.
"
"when you've slowed to a mode catatonic,
you react to no comments sardonic.
a no-response rate
like a vegetable state?
you're organic, but not hydroponic.
"
"a campfire's a small conflagration;
around it, we sing of our nation,
which makes us reflect
on the folks we elect?
a rather depressing sensation.
"
"a calendar serves as a list
of your every appointment (and tryst).
so peruse it each day
to see what's on the way?
or lament all the stuff that you've missed.
"
"a caterwaul sounds like the roar
of a cat with its tail in a door;
it's oft heard in the street
from a feline in heat.
it's pronounced ""arr-ooh-eee-urr-owr-oar.""
"
"a couple of ill-behaved boys
assembled their rattliest toys
on the 33rd floor,
and then tossed them o'er.
the result: a cacophonous noise.
"
"a candle, oft purchased in packs,
consists of a wick and some wax.
it is useful for nights
when they've cut off your lights
'cause you can't pay the energy tax.
"
"in the mood for a ""wrong mistake"" guide?
take berra, who's rarely tongue-tied:
when he saw steve mcqueen
on the big silver screen,
said, ""he must a made that 'fore he died!""
"
"the beltie is galloway's news:
white band with black jacket and trews.
as a worm is to silk,
some can even make milk?
an oreo cookie that moos!
"
"my thesaurus of insult and jest?
sticks and stones of my silent unrest:
i weigh boor and then prig,
maybe bore or old pig;
then i'm better! got that off my chest.
"
"for comic book heroes, it's true
that black hair is tinged with some blue,
but how can you say
that blue equals gray?
in dogs and cats, blue is that hue.
"
"miss m. loved her curds at midday.
the rake thought he'd sweep her awhey.
along came that spider,
but she was no bider.
she fled with the rou?'s toupee.
"
"sweet, dig in and enjoy the buffet;
on your way, try the lovely bouch?e.
such light pastry, this,
aphrodite's sly kiss.
bet you'll want to head home right away!
"
"my passionate shopping cadenza
brought on by acute affluenza?
a pox on your house,
you tree-hugging louse;
don't scoff at my bulging credenza!
"
"the thread of my dream is oblique:
a pudding-laced caper antique,
not of swiss miss or jell-os
or weird harold fellows.
it's allemain acrobats seek.
"
"when rusty old objects will probe ya,
frail victim of belonephobia,
hold still for your shot.
your sore arm will not rot,
nor the poking nurse need to disrobe ya.
"
"i hate to engrieve you, my dear!
i am causing you anguish, i fear,
and by giving you pain
in your overwrought brain,
i may drive you to cry in your beer.
"
"the  dromos, a footrace of sorts,
and the oldest of ancient greek sports,
took its name from the place
where the runners would race
with conspicuous absence of shorts.
"
"celtic tiger: growth rapidly spread.
then the irish economy bled.
now the wolf's at the door,
and the tiger's no more:
it's the sick man of europe instead.
"
"the word dancercise seeks to convey
two words rolled into one, as they say.
when a dance is combined
with some exercise, find
that, in time, dancer size melts away!
"
"the clap skate's the ice racing trend;
hinged blades let the ankles extend
in a natural stroke,
which the speed skating folk
seem to love, since they win in the end!
"
"it doesn't say anything new
and it's so unoriginal, too,
dull and hackneyed and trite.
(i could go on all night!)
in fact, it's clich?d through and through.
"
"climbing maidenhair seems to evince
how rapunzel was saved by her prince.
but in real life, we learn,
it's a fast-growing fern
that makes folks down in florida wince.
"
"it's clockwork, a coiled spring and gears,
which keeps a clock running for years.
and as many are finding,
with regular winding,
old clocks work like clockwork. three cheers!
"
"your neighbours are noisy and  clattery?
you've exhausted persuasion and flattery?
just remark when you meet,
on your mutual street,
that you'll soon be resorting to battery.
"
"an affected young actor named shay,
threw the most exquisite par-tay.
""oh dah-ling, do come!"",
he enthused to a chum,
""if you don't, i'll be forced to pleurer!""
"
"for your blood circulation to be
very smooth, try the aesculus tree.
for your varicose veins,
cramps and swelling, and pains,
try horse chestnut ? and then wait and see!
"
"""alcopops are for wimps!"" you may hear.
""they're what babies drink!"" people will sneer,
but the facts still remain
that these ""kid"" drinks contain
greater alcohol content than beer.
"
"if you've just fallen out with your friends
and you feel that you must make amends,
say ""i'm sorry"" to start ?
say it right from the heart ?
then see how hostility ends!
"
"agoraphobia's certainly hell;
home's a lonely and cruel prison cell.
not wide open spaces;
instead, public places
make agoraphobes' blood pressure swell.
"
"for some gals on the hunt for a mate,
there's alaska, an overmanned state.
with more guys for a chick,
you'd better be quick?
get a ticket before it's too late!
"
"appaloosas are wonderful steeds,
one of many american breeds.
in describing this horse,
that's bespotted, of course,
this limerick almost succeeds...
"
"if you're walking around late at night
in arabia, that's not so bright.
if you must, then take care,
for a demon lurks there:
an afreet may just give you affright!
"
"in an afghan you'll oft find a hippie,
who'll wear one whenever it's nippy.
it's a huge furry coat
that can smell like a goat,
but i want one?or am i just dippy?
"
"the postwar alliance went sour
with the russians impassive and dour.
so as not to lose face,
they began an arms race,
thus maintaining the balance of power.
"
"bacteriologists live in a daze,
a prokaryotical haze,
so in love with their task?
growing germs in a flask?
that they don't think to ask for a raise.
"
"there once was a gypsy from roma
who moved to southwest oklahoma;
and this is the reason
her skin bears a lesion:
it's called basal cell carcinoma.
"
"the bazaar in the streets of dakar
offers goods from both near and afar.
since they fit lingerie
in the light of the day,
you can buy a brassiere! how bizarre!
"
"my old russian bubbe once said,
""a babushka will cover my head,
to hide all my hair,
though not much is there;
my bald spot is starting to spread.""
"
"their faces are pretty much scary, an'
ain't nothing about them's agrarian.
in warfare, ferocious;
their hygiene, atrocious;
and that's why we call them barbarian.
"
"young doctors: a good way to start
in your training, and show me you're smart,
is to study anatomy.
now, please don't be mad at me;
it's how you tell organs apart.
"
"on the stage, ballerinas chass?;
they pli?, pirouette, and jet?.
but they'll never go far
without time at the barre.
(it's for practice, not drinks, in ballet.)
"
"there's this guy at the bar named jack turner;
he's not from 'round here, he's a furriner.
we're not really cookin'
so i'm gonna keep lookin'
but i'm leaving him on the back-burner.
"
"our passion tonight, will it thrill us?
it won't, if you pass a bacillus.
if you harbor a germ,
while i'm kissing your derm,
without penicillin, 'twill kill us.
"
"my child's room used to be clean,
but that changed when he rounded thirteen.
now with nary a care,
things are strewn everywhere,
and to enter you need a vaccine!
"
"said a ravenous chick in st. pete,
who wanted chinese food to eat,
""i think a nice dish
might be veggies or fish.
i'm too chicken to eat chicken feet.""
"
"i had a professor named kyle
who taught with a frustrating style.
he would first state a fact,
then without any tact,
he'd belabor the point a long while.
"
"an androgynous person named pat
made a lot of folks ask, ""what is that?
is she he or he she
in tan slacks and a tee,
with short hair and a chest semi-flat?""
"
"a cholent's my favorite stew.
nothing else on the sabbath will do.
it stays hot in the pot
(having simmered a lot);
a soul's hearty and nourishing brew!
"
"that dinosaur sure had some gumption
to make such a basic assumption:
that forever it would
be around if it could.
nope! it suffered a total absumption.
"
"alexander and connor were men
who founded their company when
the need was real high
for protecting the eye.
and thus alcon was started. amen!
"
"i had a strong yearning to make
my grandmother's angel food cake.
just add lots of love
sent from heaven above
plus some flour and egg whites, then bake!
"
"i'm trying so hard to design
a poster that looks truly fine.
but the font i can't get
with the character set
from this obsolete printer of mine!
"
"agrostologists love field research.
amber waves, grassy plains are their church.
some say their vocation
is mere inhalation
and so reputations besmirch.
"
"if cuisine proven?al you embrace,
then you must try a good bouillabaisse:
make a stew out of fish,
add pernod to the dish
and enjoy any time, any place.
"
"my sister, a huge flabby lass,
had a bypass to narrow her ass,
which earned a phenomenal
costly abdominal
panniculectomy pass.
"
"an herb that creates quite a mess,
the pungently named bitter cress,
with a pop will dehisce,
flinging seeds hit-or-miss?
as ye sow, so ye reap, more or less.
"
"on a sightseeing tour of the swamp
through the damp river bottoms you'll romp.
a deciduous search
for the well-loved black birch
finds a stolid brown tree without pomp.
"
"our little chum azotobacter
finds cleanliness isn't a factor.
whether sewage or dirt,
with a nitrogen squirt
he's made compost ? you just bring the tractor.
"
"we are apt to be judged and to judge,
and our motives we often may fudge.
axiological  thought,
though often quite fraught,
needn't ethical questions begrudge.
"
"mathematics was often advanced
by pashas in fine baggy pants
who azimuthally measured
horizons they treasured,
as planets celestially danced.
"
"when deep in the land we call nod,
asleep, snug as peas in a pod,
one is oft poked or shaken, or
by some awakener
roused ? feeling groggy and odd.
"
"johnny said, ""i should be ceo!
the big boss, making mountains of dough.
it's the job with the powers,
but with very long hours...""
...back to sleep in the mailroom he'll go.
"
"though the base of the volume titanic
has moved overseas, please don't panic.
the britannica tome
first called scotland its home ?
so one rightly might call it britannic.
"
"if you want to have friends all life long,
it's important to do them no wrong.
if it's garlic you eat
(or your breath smells like feet),
chew some mints that are adequately strong.
"
"atmospheric-type pressure should be
based on earth's, which is 1 by decree.
it's the weight of the air,
or whatever is there ?
so on pluto it's point oh oh three.
"
"john had wanted to find a new rhythm
for getting the girls to dance with him.
with a flowchart for steps,
even still the poor shlep's
got no girl... but he's got algorithm.
"
"there once was a bookseller, dee,
who was giving her books out for free.
not a penny she earned;
here's the lesson she's learned:
""a library loans, but not me.""
"
"if a pen pal you might like to be,
a language that's foreign is key.
this desire you can quench
if you learn to write french ?
then you've got a friend in ami.
"
"acanthopterygious tries
(in its heptasyllabic disguise)
to leave you chagrined.
it just means ""spiny-finned"" ?
not much meaning there, given its size.
"
"hey, i'm innocent! what's with this ""crime""?
i was some other place at that time.
i first washed my hair,
then i went to the fair.
i've got alibis, judge ? and they rhyme!
"
"medusa was not one to mock.
snakes surrounded her beautiful clock,
chilling men to the bone.
her glance turned them to stone,
and around her their statues did flock.
"
"susie's dress was a soft willow green,
a shade  katie had never yet seen.
this celadon hue
looked good on babs too.
and in front of the mirror they'd preen.
"
"an old dairyman down by a stream
would cogitate, fishing for bream.
'i'd like to reflect
in cold retrospect
on my life as a seller of cream.'
"
"bill porter was such a big cheese:
so important, he never said please.
he shouted and blustered,
left many folk flustered,
never learning to put them at ease.
"
"there once was an elderly man
who ogled the girls from his van.
this leery old codger
who called himself roger
liked eating cold peas from a can.
"
"see the koh-i-noor, mountain of light,
how it coruscates?dazzling sight!
no stone can compare
to its sparkle and flare,
for this jewel can light up the night.
"
"a fruit called a baby banana
grew down by an ancient cabana.
dave picked a large bunch
and started to munch,
saying,  'i'll have another ma?ana.'
"
"a baby banana once said,
""i'm a fruit that tastes good on brown bread,
but spread it with butter
and you'll hear me mutter,
'oh no!  i'd be better off dead!'""
"
"there once was a fellow called fox
who blued all his dosh on pink socks.
he said, 'they're quite neat
and look swell on my feet,
though i've blown all my savings and stocks!'
"
"from chicago, obama looked east;
while in boston, his favor increased.
he is known oh, so well
back in chi-town, il,
but in d.c. they'll cry, ""arriviste!""
"
"it's true i'm a loather and hater
of reptiles like cayman and gator.
what caused this aversion?
while on an excursion,
my wife, well, a croc went and ate her!
"
"aureola: an aura surrounding
the body of someone astounding.
when such visions appear
one is likely to hear
the voices of angels resounding.
"
"the power to see words and read,
this disorder of brain does impede.
should writing perplex ya,
you might have alexia,
making useless both novel and screed.
"
"an adelopod's very discreet
when it comes to displaying his feet.
his dogs aren't transparent;
they just aren't apparent?
either hidden, obscured, or petite.
"
"the black knight was keen on invading,
delighting in warring and raiding.
but his fight was disrupted?
a red rash erupted?
his chainmail ""down there"" was abrading!
"
"apples mumbled i thought it might be,
but you won't find this thing in a tree.
said as a-b-l-s,
these four letters express
someone's library science degree.
"
"ballroom partners might curtsey or bow;
royal subjects may kneel and kowtow.
these forms of abaisance
display one's complaisance
such as manners and custom allow.
"
"every monk must admonish his kin
to avoid all occasion of sin.
it would serve them all well
to be mindful of hell
so that grace is the state they stay in.
"
"my siblings assert i'm pathetic,
insisting my birth was synthetic.
did i rise from the ooze?
my creation, they muse,
was strictly abiogenetic.
"
"i avoid the marked paths when i'm hiking;
the backcountry's more to my liking.
with a few fellow purists
i shun all the tourists;
the scenery's splendid and striking.
"
"oedilf limericks should all be completed,
lest our purpose and goal be defeated.
but they're sometimes cut short
as a final resort,
with the last word abruptly
"
"he will not use a chair or an ottoman.
there is nothing that he'll put his bottom in.
""do you have acathisia?""
he said, ""no, standing's easier.""
but i know that's a lie that i caught him in.
"
"on the inside he's nervous and prayerful;
he only pretends to be dareful.
he thinks, while preparing
for each triumph of daring:
""be brave, but for chrissakes, be careful!""
"
"so caught up in our lovemaking tactics,
we forgot to apply prophylactics.
now my breasts, they secrete
more than baby can eat,
so they've put me on antigalactics.
"
"we won't get caught.  don't make a fuss.
our alibi's perfect, and plus
we're surely above
suspicion, my love;
they'll never suspect it was us!
"
"how's a grape like a gram of cocaine?
or a rose like a head of romaine?
they all come to be
agriculturally,
with a seed and some sunshine and rain.
"
"when there's thunder and lightning outside,
an astrapophobic will hide.
at the first flash and boom,
he'll go straight to his room,
where he'll wait for the storm to subside.
"
"my big toe is swollen, no doubt
'cause my antipodagrics ran out.
this pain is distressing;
those drugs are a blessing.
they always help out with my gout.
"
"in baseball, the goal's to have fun,
but that's not always how it gets done.
often rules are avoided
and players steroided,
so basely's how some games are won.
"
"i must say i prefer ecclesiology
over your chosen field, ornithology.
i'll study the church,
not some bird on a perch.
i will roost on this ""branch""?of theology.
"
"ecological footprint's to blame
for these feelings of guilt and my shame.
i consume more resources
than all the king's horses,
destroying my climate and name.
"
"this elliptical workout machine
has me sweating in hopes to be lean.
it's like crossing the ocean,
this cyclical motion?
i'm sea-sick, and fast turning green.
"
"to exuberate means to rejoice
without care or restraint, without choice.
to flow over with glee,
as i'm sure you'll agree,
often leads to a boisterous voice.
"
"the sport known as baseball, it's said,
can fill many with boredom and dread.
but what's not to like
when a miss is called strike?
would you rather watch cricket instead?
"
"if you pass me pork, chicken or turkey,
i'll pass on those meats; call me quirky.
just keep my lunch brief
with some smoked and dried beef,
because nothing says, ""yum!"" like beef jerky.
"
"cincinnati, to some, might seem yucky.
but i count its residents lucky.
just prepare for surprise
if you take to the skies?
the airport's in northern kentucky.
"
"columbus ? a capital city!
and if you've never been, that's a pity.
a ""cowtown"" no more,
it's got all but a shore.
close your eyes, and imagine it's pretty.
"
"much more than quick wit and long legs,
there's passion about cj cregg's
hard work on west wing,
when the press does their thing.
she shows heart when it's danny who begs.
"
"not all presidents act this intense,
offer wisdom and have common sense.
yes, jed bartlet is keen,
shines with martin's best sheen?
to west wing fans, his shadow's immense.
"
"we banter and speak so each word
is the lyrical song of a bird.
repartee with light wit
conversations befit,
for the frivolous and the absurd.
"
"if your copper's too bright in the sun
then ammonium sulfate's the one.
for a dull, greenish cast,
use some now; it's a blast.
(that line four's an intentional pun.)
"
"when drawing in fish or a sail,
you can always rely on the brail.
it's a small kind of rope
to give sailors some hope
when the wind is a moderate gale.
"
"my parents are angering me.
they won't let me go to the quay.
""you might get yourself lost,
or some man may accost
you the way that they do on tv!""
"
"the boatyard is where they build boats.
it's where the old sea cap'n gloats,
""argh! 'tis three years today,
since i done ran away
with me missus' red foxfur-lined coats!""
"
"to define what's in smelling salts, i'm
surely posed with a problem that's prime.
it's stark pandemonium:
clearly ammonium
carbonate hasn't a rhyme.
"
"the australian magpie is known
to assault all who enter its zone.
an ill-tempered old maggie
attacked my aunt aggie.
(serves her right; she's an evil old crone.)
"
"abu is a surname that's rare
and a first name that few people share.
he's aladdin's small buddy,
from walt disney's study;
for a monkey he moves with great flair.
"
"amoxil's an antibiotic:
that's a drug, but it's not a narcotic.
augmentin or trimox
goes great with a primox,
but allergies make it chaotic.
"
"my boss has the power to appoint
and is pointedly running this joint.
he's appointive, you see,
if he reassigns me
to a post where his feet i'll anoint.
"
"when you stand at an old bowser pump
don't let your attentiveness slump.
you just might overfill
and get hit with the bill,
while the gas flows back into the sump.
"
"an equinox leads us to spring,
with summer to be the next thing.
length of day will increase,
and the schooldays will cease,
while baseball will be the new king.
"
"he loves us and yet lets us die.
even knowing the truth he will lie.
he uses his morals
to justify quarrels.
he sure is a real backward guy.
"
"for a driver to make a decision,
to avoid an impending collision
with an oncoming bus,
depth perception's a plus.
thank the lord for binocular vision!
"
"lots of people find apples delightful,
and newton found one most insightful.
but oh, mercy me!
when they fall from the tree!
barophobia: gravity's frightful.
"
"tim's guests said, ""your hoedown's a crock!
that banjo is really a clock!""
'twas a truly sad day
when he started to play
and the only sound heard was ""tick-tock.""
"
"the baritone range is depressed ?
sure, it's deeper than most of the rest.
but it simply can't face
that the deepest is bass,
and it's no good to be second best.
"
"he called me a ""bawcock"" ? he's yellow!
""i'll kill you!"" it caused me to bellow.
and i started a brawl ?
but i'm not proud at all,
for it turned out to mean ""a fine fellow"".
"
"""i hate the word bad!"" the man cursed.
""its superlative's s'posed to be worst,
so it makes me the saddest
when someone says baddest.
irregulars make my head burst!""
"
"i was banned from my neighborhood zoo
when i used ""monkey see monkey do""
as a justification
for my imitation
of animals throwing their poo.
"
"cousin ben took a stroll by the shed,
when a mugger said ""give me your bread!""
and ben chose to say
""suck an egg! i won't pay!""
he was ballsy, and now he is dead.
"
"to all fetuses: please be aware
that gestation can be a real scare.
so a sac's been provided
with fluid inside it:
a bag full of waters, your lair.
"
"draw two loops that abut, and you've got
a thing that's like 8, but is not.
on its side now, we say
it's ""infinity"" (yay!),
and its meaning is ""really a lot"".
"
"a proper exsanguious race
is free of red blood ? not a trace.
but there was no need
for them to go bleed:
they had none in the first bloody place!
"
"when examining facts atmospheric
on radio usage, said eric:
""these signals abound
in the air, all around!
they're ubiquitous and they're aetheric!""
"
"as treatment for whites going red,
an eye drop's the paramount med.
but don't ever think
you can spike someone's drink
with the drops ? they'll become sick or dead!
"
"though topical flair and ?lan
are my usual limerick plan,
de discomposition
of dis composition
will not let the rhyming scheme work.
"
"as for plants foliaceous (in brief),
the adaxial parts of each leaf
are those facing the sky
(with their axis nearby),
which will suffer less bug-nibble grief.
"
"when comparing the zenith-to-base
with the width of a skull, in this case
there's pronounced elongation ?
as well, consternation
when people ask ""why the long face?""
"
"the commissioned elite may give grief
to enlisted who wish for relief,
but in between those
are w. o.'s
and the highest of these is the chief.
"
"when first i discovered this place,
i had a huge smile on my face.
but now that my soul's
been raked o'er your coals,
i'm leaving in tearful disgrace.
"
"most beings who eat other things
must do it to get carbon strings.
but for some that's not true:
chemoautotrophs do
fix all their own carbon, like kings.
"
"said a captain of pirates, ""you know,
i wear red shirts so bloodstains don't show.
wait ? i spy there a frigate,
the flagship of pigot!
i'll need my brown pants from below.""
"
"a call was sent out through the nation,
""come at once, we've a grave situation.""
from each mountain and glen,
rode forth all the king's men.
master dumpty needs defragmentation.
"
"a pitchman will strive to engrain
a demand for his goods that won't wane.
he will use all his tricks
to indelibly fix
an enduring belief in your brain.
"
"genghis khan, mongol king of the tartary,
once was stabbed through his femoral artery.
spurting blood from his thigh
made him weaken and die.
to his name they erected a martyry.
"
"endothermic, per chemistry's spin,
means ""[a process] where heat is drawn in"".
in zoology's view,
it describes me and you,
as our heat comes from under our skin.
"
"in a rage that good sense rarely hinders,
with a hammer she smashed it to flinders.
then, a chill in her gaze,
she enkindled a blaze,
and she danced till its fragments were cinders.
"
"cad/eur is a currency pair
that reports a trade offer to share
on a foreign exchange
(for this trade is long-range ?
we have cad here, but eur over there).
"
"gather 'round this electric invention!
it improves health and muscular tension
through induced stimulation
known as faradization,
curing ills far too sundry to mention!
"
"when a question of law or of tort
is a broad constitutional sort,
once the state's had its say,
one can ask that it may
be reviewed by a federal court.
"
"to sell goods for a purpose unfit
is a fraudulent act you commit.
know that crime does not pay!
they will lock you away,
and you'll forfeit all gains ? every bit.
"
"a babe in a new bassinet
is safe from most danger ? and yet,
being left unattended
near bears, undefended,
ends up as a tasty croquette.
"
"balaneutics? a bath cure?  pourquoi?
a worthwhile panacea?  c'est pas!
it won't help vasculitis
nor fix hepatitis,
and didn't save jean-paul marat.
"
"i enjoy nasa's works astronautic,
though at present they seem too quixotic.
'til they fix all the foam,
leave the shuttle at home ?
but continue those missions robotic.
"
"greek agathon's loaned dungarees
came back to him torn at the knees.
his response with no worries
of twitting the furies:
""euripides, eumenides.""
"
"here's a measurement system to learn:
a star's height (from horizon) discern.
that's the altitude biz,
and the azimuth is
the angle (from north) that you turn.
"
"when support from the voters decays,
then the congress responds within days!
their intent: not to act,
just to pose and distract ?
""bread and circuses"" (juvenal's phrase).
"
"a bacteriotherapy gaffe
left the invalid sicker by half.
seems the doc chose a germ
that had nurses affirm,
""he's the hospital's new chief of staph.""
"
"an astroseismologist takes
his trade from a star when it quakes.
some find this surprising
to hear, realizing
a sun really shakes as it bakes.
"
"a blimp pilot never forgets
that an airship employs ballonettes.
they are used when one must
steer, reshape, or adjust.
if that's worrisome, learn to fly jets.
"
"for the sea depth,  employ our bathymeter ?
at its essence, an inverse altimeter.
you maritime hero!
(if the reading is zero,
you're checking the ocean's perimeter.)
"
"bacteriosis is my diagnosis;
some germs would produce bromhidrosis,
the toxoplasmosis,
and, yes, halitosis ?
but drinking's what's gave you cirrhosis.
"
"our takeover bid will prevail
if our rival is forced to turn tail.
we must take this chance?
plug their source of finance;
let a bankmail be signed without fail!
"
"call it bone char or ivory black,
made from bones heated up in a stack.
jan vermeer thought it keen
mixed with ultramarine.
with abaiser, this man had a knack!
"
"the committee chair's casual quip
so enraged the minority whip
that the speaker was heard
to complain, ""with one word
he has sunk my bipartisanship.""
"
"a backpacker hostel can be
cheap lodging in perth or epi.
unburden your lumbar
and peacefully slumber
while dreaming of home and hot tea.
"
"if the chromosomes won't make a pair
to grow wings that can soar through the air,
you'll end up with a duck
who is quite out of luck,
asynapsis his cause for despair.
"
"friedrich nietzsche spoke highly of me.
i'm creative destruction, the key
to economy spurred,
from the bones i interred,
of execs too inept to foresee.
"
"actinometry measures intense
radiation from sunlight that's dense.
if this concept is spurned
and you'd rather get burned,
then ignore it at your own expense.
"
"a thrinaxodon under the ground
is a mammal-like creature they found.
dog-like teeth make them think
in the chain there's a link
between cynodont and your old hound.
"
"now the cricket-bat willow's fame lies
in the cricket bats every team buys,
since its wood is so fine?
so much stronger than pine
(which would surely cause cricket's demise).
"
"in old london atop highgate hill,
lies a fossilized resin crop, still.
when it's broken, it smells:
little grows where it dwells,
and when copalite burns, it leaves nil.
"
"you may think you have rights to your house,
and your kids and your precious pet mouse.
but the state has the say.
a court order one day
could abjudicate all but your blouse.
"
"it's an enzyme that's found in your pee.
may cause cancer and tumors, you see.
but there's good news i've got:
it won't let your blood clot.
should i drink abbokinase like tea?
"
"if your income is other than wage
(say you gamble or sing on a stage),
on the deadline don't whine?
file a 1099
or they'll hound you until your old age.
"
"annie feeds him and irons his clothes.
when he smells bad she plugs up her nose.
when he's cranky she's sweet:
she massages his feet.
this conciliative girl gets a rose!
"
"what is chemiosmosis? a clue:
it's the process where substances (two),
through mutual attraction,
get down to some action ?
when a membrane lets one of them through.
"
"in the monsoons, it sure would be folly
stepping out-of-doors minus your brolly.
getting drenched in the rain,
soaking wet ? that's a pain,
though the child in you might find it jolly.
"
"""do you know what's a draught?"" people ask,
and i tell them, ""it's beer from a cask.""
but ""current of air""
would also be fair,
as would ""outline ? a rough drawing task"".
"
"i must say this painting is quaint.
a masterpiece ? that it sure ain't.
the artist, one judges,
from seeing the smudges,
just daubed a blank canvas with paint.
"
"in benaras, to keep fit and trim,
you could easily go for a swim,
or, to exercise, there's
an akhara downstairs.
what's akhara? it's sort of a gym!
"
"by the railroad, my dear, if you are
really planning to travel afar,
i'll pay extra fare
and book you a chair,
in a chair car, and say, ""au revoir!""
"
"this request for an intel device:
""a new processor, easy on price,""
caused the firm to rehash
the old pii (sans cache),
as a celeron brand, to entice!
"
"""you may call me an alcid or auk,""
the old razorbill said with a squawk.
""about one thing i'm sanguine,
i will not be called 'penguin',
for i fly, while they waddle and walk!""
"
"a bystander simply will linger
and watch while you go through the wringer.
he may try to act nice
by dispensing advice,
but to help you he'll not lift a finger!
"
"if your heart is all tied up in knots,
you may need to take activase shots.
explained doctor yasmin,
""it helps produce plasmin,
an enzyme that breaks fibrin clots!""
"
"on a clothesline your linens will dry,
using wind and the sun in the sky.
it's the natural way,
the ecologists say.
peg your laundry ? please give it a try.
"
"i am never called  diffident. why?
i'm an outspoken confident guy.
when a boisterous bloke
asked my favorite joke,
my response? hit his face with a pie.
"
"a dystopia sure is a mess,
filled with tragedy, heartache and stress ?
overcrowded and grim,
opportunities dim,
and a populace under duress.
"
"in baseball, four balls yields a walk,
and a twitch on a pitch is a balk.
with three strikes you are out,
but a powerful clout
for a homer will make the fans talk.
"
"a chub is a freshwater fish ?
lakes and streams are its primary niche.
when prepared for the plate,
slimy fallfish will rate
as a less than delectable dish.
"
"an abacus uses its beads
for all arithmetical deeds,
and can help you to be
electricity free,
since it lessens your battery needs.
"
"my limerick's cadence seemed strong
as it bounced very nicely along.
but the problem it had
was the ending. too bad
that the very last word was just incorrect.
"
"a blackjack can give you a rap
in the head. also known as a sap,
it's a leather-bound thing
that can make your ears ring.
when you're struck, it can cause you to nap.
"
"the card game called blackjack is fun
when your total points reach twenty-one
(more than that and you lose).
beat the house? you can choose
to cash out ? take the money and run.
"
"i thought my investments were cool
when i joined a commodity pool.
but those futures were trash
and we lost all our cash
so now my future's dashed ? i'm a fool.
"
"a brain coral's copious size
takes its polyps some years to devise.
each deep crenulation's
the work of a nation?
in the sea, the minute organize.
"
"for a tough piece of meat, like a brisket,
you could grill it, but i wouldn't risk it.
cook it slow, let it braise,
and your meal will meet praise.
you can sop up the juice with a biscuit.
"
"o, what a frugivorous bird!
your markings?so wonderfully blurred!
cedar waxwing, you jest
with your velvety breast,
plucking berries with nary a word.
"
"you heart dogs, you save whales, you drink liquor.
you encourage the meek to drive quicker.
your toyota corona
proclaims your persona
with every adhered bumper sticker.
"
"adirondacks are bare wooden chairs
named for mountains, where scions and heirs
of the new york elite
come each summer to meet,
among blueberries, birches and bears.
"
"trace your hand down the flat of the spine.
breathe the scent, read the very first line.
never judge by the cover:
an ardent book-lover
will savor each story like wine.
"
"brenda blotted her tears on her blouse
while bemoaning the beaux of her spouse?
""he's been carrying on
with marie, dick, and john;
my boudoir has become a full house!""
"
"come december, americans pine
for a christmas tree: top-of-the-line,
aromatic and green,
with a slight greyish sheen.
hence our balsam fir forests decline.
"
"in sounding the depths of the sea,
one charts bathymetrically,
using meters or fathoms
to measure the chasms
where tentacled monsters there be.
"
"like a cheap knock-off purse from the mall,
you've become, my dear, dull and banal.
it appears there is not
an original thought
in your head, so please ? don't speak at all.
"
"when the diners have ordered a curry,
i ask them to wait and not worry.
for the chilli and spice
and the fragrant white rice
aren't the best if the chef has to hurry.
"
"to the taxman i'm really quite fond
of noting, when we correspond,
""there's no government bill
as i'm licensed to still
and my booze is all kept under bond.""
"
"great whisky begins with a brew
of barley and water, yeast too.
next it's off to the still?
take a barrel and fill?
while the flavours imbue, brew anew.
"
"after twenty years kept in the store,
in the cask there is less than before.
now my whisky's half gone
off to heaven? come on!
now the angel's share's left less to pour.
"
"if you 'anker to fill up your flask,
park your butt while i find the right cask.
you punch'n your order,
i'll go to the gorda.
this is more than a wee firkin task.
"
"you point at my skin with a pin
saying, ""that's where this thing's going in.""
but for those of my gender,
that acupoint's tender?
for treatment i'll stick with the gin.
"
"to reproduce biogenetically,
a partner must please me aesthetically.
but those that i ask
only take me to task,
suggesting i try it synthetically.
"
"long john silver, at first, when aland,
had hoped he could stand on the sand.
but with only one leg
and the lack of a peg,
he got stuck, jolly roger in hand.
"
"accrued income is nothing to spend,
though it's due just before the year's end.
while i wait for my dough,
i've no money and so
do you have any cash you can lend?
"
"in order to get one inside,
an access code must be supplied.
but if you're too slow
or type zero for 'o',
the message reads, 'access denied'.
"
"fifty shades: just erotic?or porn?
it's a question with many a thorn.
here's a clue: when your kid
found you reading it, did
you wish fiercely you'd never been born?
"
"the term fardel is typically heard in
old plays, meaning bundle or burden?
but it should mean, to boot,
a petite gassy toot
or the room that said toot has occurred in.
"
"get a facelift or two?yes siree!
pretend you're as young as can be!
go ahead and just try it,
though no one will buy it
when your friends still look seventy-three.
"
"a fallopian tube takes an egg
on an early, circuitous leg
of a journey that maybe
results in a baby?
with help from a frat-party keg.
"
"a foxtrot is not a fandango,
any more than a lime is a mango.
yet there's quite a good chance,
as you learn either dance,
that your legs will get caught in a tango.
"
"after nursing in trains, planes, and camrys,
in bistros, malls, playgrounds, and clammeries,
the things that i bet
i will never forget
are my babies' teeth?fangs for the mammaries.
"
"a fax machine's nifty, it's true,
when a document has to come through.
but a scanner's more green?
and a doc on a screen
is cheap reading. so long, paper view!
"
"exoskeletons cover up bugs
in chitinous, full-body hugs,
then get shed on the ground
and are frequently found
by humans with ewws, icks and ughs.
"
"years ago, kids could all understand
that extreme meant ""intense, out of hand.""
but today, how'd they know?
when each sport, snack and show
is ""extreme,"" they must think it means ""bland.""
"
"if you want a divorce, don't use tact?
just baldly report every fact.
when she asks, ""in this dress,
am i ugly?"" say, ""yes.""
(to stay married, be much less exact.)
"
"evangelists like to alert us
to the habits they worry will hurt us:
drinking gin, sleeping in,
every other fun sin.
it's no wonder they seldom convert us.
"
"celebrations, debauched and divine,
honor bacchus, the great god of wine.
forever i'll wallow
in wine that i swallow;
my gullet each night is a shrine.
"
"far-flung from the summer's sweet blossom
hides autumn, curled up like a possum.
and through winter's cold jeer,
we still hope for spring's cheer,
so enjoy, for now, leaves that are awesome.
"
"if more people arrive than you wish?
and you're wanting roast beef or some fish?
try aforcing your meal.
grain or dairy's ideal
to bolster the bulk of your dish.
"
"from hades' dark, fearsome abyss
beckons avarice who, with her kiss,
seeks to scorch with the fire
of greedy desire
and hinder your journey towards bliss.
"
"youthful matthew, a lad i once knew,
was quite bashful (and shy he was, too),
yet once in a while,
he'd chuckle and smile,
and make a wry comment or two.
"
"king arthur has gone to his rest;
the flame has been quelled in his chest.
he's to avalon bound?
interred in that ground?
now to heaven, his soul's final quest.
"
"agar-agar's in vegan dessert,
and for thickening food so it's pert.
make a soy cr?me br?l?e
to make guests say ""hooray!""
though it's algae, they still might convert.
"
"my accordian band will not play
in american dance halls today.
so we're heading to france,
where they'll give us a chance,
bal musette: where the music is gay!
"
"though limerick writing's exciting,
it seems that i'm never done fighting
with words and bad grammar?
my sentences stammer?
so workshoppers keep me rewriting.
"
"it's autism's grisly reflection
when children, devoid of connection,
seem so silent inside.
does their consciousness hide
in looping and blank introspection?
"
"one man, just one vote, i agree,
but that man with the vote should be me!
trusting people's good sense
with campaigners' pretense
is quite simply absurd, can't you see?
"
"when you know that your plant hates your pet,
or your cat's planning war on the vet,
stop that thinking ? desist!
'cause those traits don't exist.
(now i'm sure old man winter's upset.)
"
"a bringer of death, war, and woe,
he's the son of god's ultimate foe;
but beware of the danger
to think he's a stranger ?
he might be somebody you know.
"
"a. niger can help with your gas
if your colon is giving you sass.
enzymes made by the strain
break the saccharide chain
so you don't have to plug up your nose.
"
"forty-four legs and a ball,
while the spectators look for a brawl:
though it's soccer's real name,
this old term for the game
isn't used very often at all.
"
"the archpriest glared down at the choir
when the songmaster chose to retire.
""look, i know he said yes,
you could pick your own dress,
but you had to choose hot pink attire?""
"
"the major sat down and addressed
all his outgoing mail. he just guessed
where it needed to go,
saying ""mail, make it so!""
and his overworked aide did the rest.
"
"sweet old bessie went down to the lake
for a thirst that she needed to slake.
see, she couldn't assure
that her plumbing was pure,
as her water kept running opaque.
"
"""stop fighting,"" both parties agree,
""and we'll meet for a chat by that tree.""
in the field, hopes increase
(each side looking for peace),
but it's not yet a firm guarantee.
"
"not indian, this land mammal's nice
as a wrinkled, shade-giving device.
huge ears and a nose
that can reach to its toes,
but a ludicrous phobia of mice.
"
"a sore-fingered pirate named ginter,
who studied real hard through the winter,
joined the accp.
now when he goes to sea,
what he holds all his gold in won't splinter.
"
"abrachiocephalia's dire.
if you've got it, you're sure to expire.
you're naught but a stump ?
legs, torso, and rump;
a casket you soon will require.
"
"this relationship has no longevity,
though we talk and share moments of levity.
there's one fault, in my eyes;
you're of adequate size,
but apply it with frustrating brevity!
"
"an abrasive strip's used on a tooth
just like sandpaper floss, but in truth
(and i'm asking for trouble),
it makes me think ""stubble
on unshaven strippers"" ? uncouth!
"
"""my breasts were once firm as two peaches,
and now they tuck into my breeches.
i'm happy,"" she sighs,
""it's my baggier eyes
that cause horrified looks on nude beaches.""
"
"when i ate that burrito as urged,
my potential for flatulence surged.
abdominal pressure!
i felt so much fresher
once gaseous emissions emerged.
"
"i think, as i look at the time,
i am beating my brains out to rhyme;
i am just too damn tired
to feel that inspired,
so into my bed i shall climb.
"
"my scrotum's as big as malaysia,
but don't let the looks of it faze ya.
i know you're appalled,
but it's medically called
abdominoscrotal dysplasia.
"
"if your calling is more than okay,
perhaps you should join aca.
if it strikes you as odd
to shout ""y'all, promenade!""
maybe y'all shouldn't call, just obey.
"
"while enjoying a bowlful of cereal,
i erupted a sneeze so bacterial
that i opened my eyes
to a foaming surprise:
it fermented my breakfast material!
"
"a beefsteak is gold throughout texas,
where the cattle can pay for your lexus,
'cause that sweet cut of meat
is a world-renowned treat,
which makes texas a kind of a nexus.
"
"the doc put his hand on my liver,
which shivered and shook all aquiver.
as i poured him a drink,
i explained with a wink,
""i reside by the famed whiskey river.""
"
"""no, don't!"" yelled the captain, aghast,
to a deckhand who acted too fast.
off the edge fell what looked
like the anchor unhooked,
but 'twas ancoral ballast he cast.
"
"it's the amount that i eat, i suppose,
and the fact that i live in repose.
now my adipose tissue
has become a big issue,
i'll have to go buy some more clothes.
"
"to find the best fish, it is said,
find a reef with a rich algal bed.
for with little to fear,
the fish will stay near
to the place where they're hidden and fed.
"
"to skim o'er the waves while you stand
on a board with a sail may seem grand,
but a boardsailing ride
in light winds that subside,
might force you to swim for the land.
"
"for rigging on ancient tall ships,
a belaying pin helped with the grips.
a sailor could cope
with all manner of rope
lashing lines around pins on his trips.
"
"beth collected ten wrought-iron gates,
all acquired from ebay in  crates.
she opened the boxes
of palings and lockses,
and ranged them about her estates.
"
"when alarum is called in a play,
the cast scurries every which way.
all the actors take flight
as if in great fright,
and the villains get cleanly away!
"
"arthritis made bob lose agility;
stiff joints gave him lessened mobility.
but his wife, to his joy,
just gave birth to a boy.
seems his sperm haven't lost their motility!
"
"an amiable fellow was brian;
he grinned without even half tryin'.
he laughed through the rain,
but when hit by a train,
his grin couldn't keep him from dyin'!
"
"now what in the world is an adh?
is it goodh?  is it badh?  is it plaidh?
does it sleep in a bedh?
it's a hormone insteadh!
adh dries your pee?  oh, how madh!
"
"her kiss was as light as a feather.
she said they were ""amiable together.""
her words flew apart,
flapped around in his heart,
and he thought, ""am i able to get her?""
"
"there once was a thief with a name
and an alias.  both were the same.
when the cops asked him why,
he replied with a sigh,
""so you wouldn't know which one to blame.""
"
"a one and a one and a one
and a one and a one and a one
and a one and a one
and a one and a one
equal ten.  that's how adding is done.
"
"some malaysian advisors of health
can reveal supernatural stealth:
they may clear a stuffed head
and commune with the dead.
a good bomoh exhumes lots of wealth.
"
"the athenian court of appeal
was itself a place hard to conceal,
set on ares's hill.
areopagite skill
was to seek truths the gods might reveal.
"
"the limerick is poetry, terse,
oft-rendered not better but worse
by rhymesters ham-fisted,
their anapests twisted,
whose doggerel is not worth a curse.
"
"the wardrobe of louis quatorze
at versailles covered several floors.
his skivvies, i'm told,
were brocaded in gold?
too precious to wear out-of-doors.
"
"in texas, where billy bob ranched,
the drt ladies all blanched
when they learned that his mother
had married her brother?
his family tree hadn't branched!
"
"the fetor of joseph's axilla
could stop in its tracks a gorilla.
to obviate coma
from armpit aroma,
joe favored a splash of vanilla.
"
"both eyes on one side of her face?
for the halibut, then, i gave chase.
i was sure i had found 'er,
but started to flounder:
there's flatfish all over the plaice!
"
"a dance style that's close to my heart,
not performance, not theater, not art,
folk dancing, instead,
is followed and led
by the regular folk who take part.
"
"though holmes and i ran in pursuit,
total darkness made chase-giving moot.
""i shall light up my torch!""
here i braced for a scorch,
but a flashlight illumined our route.
"
"the spatial dimensions are three,
denoted by x, y, and z.
four-dimensional space-time
has a place to embrace time,
which is typically marked with a t.
"
"don't expose gasoline to a flame!
it's not fireproof stuff, as you claim.
it's ""inflammable,"" true,
but it's flammable, too,
because both of those words mean the same!
"
"though a dolphin has fins and a tail,
it's covered in skin, and not scale.
and it's warm-blooded, too;
is that fishlike to you?
it's really much more like a whale.
"
"to the intern said doc, in frustration,
""the heart has now ceased its pulsation.
put those paddles away;
they're of no use today.
a flatline is not fibrillation!""
"
"""advisor,"" the king calls, ""get out, you!
your words give me reason to doubt you.
your praise is a lie?
foolish flatterer, fly!
i'll run my own kingdom, without you.""
"
"our forebears set down this tradition;
one's only response is submission.
to change, in these days,
from our ancestors' ways?
why, that's nothing short of sedition!
"
"""by means of these tests i will show
there are future events i foreknow?""
(it dawns on our seer
that james randi is here.)
""?you'll pardon me, folks, i must go!""
"
"an airplane's a useful machine.
its flight in the sky is serene;
it soars on its wings,
carries people and things,
so high it can scarcely be seen!
"
"the ant is a great little pest;
the finding of food is its quest.
all ants serve the queen
who seldom is seen
and lays all the eggs in the nest.
"
"an abbey's a big type of church
that measures a number of perch.
all the people in there
are deep in their prayer;
the bible is what they research.
"
"if drawing's your love and you're great
at painting, then maybe your fate
is to be quite artistic.
let's be optimistic:
you're admired if you can create!
"
"when the hook is correctly aligned,
put some stitches in front, then behind.
some say it's pass?,
but i like to crochet,
and the basket weave texture's refined.
"
"the man with the wig boldly paltered
and declared that his hair was unaltered,
but the rug slipped to show
the bare noggin below,
and with it, the bald-faced lie faltered.
"
"my rivulets zigzag and muddle:
i'm rounding up ants in a puddle.
as they frantically race,
with my finger i trace
an amoebous design to befuddle.
"
"acids, i think you'll agree,
are chemical hazards, you see.
they'll eat through a rock
or your grandfather clock,
so it's wise to just let acids be.
"
"the top of the water was hard
to float on, in every regard.
then the boat was invented
(an advance it presented);
in its day, it was quite avant-garde!
"
"the color that's found everywhere
is black (for it isn't that rare).
the ash from a fire
and most formal attire:
they all flaunt this color with flair.
"
"in b-ball, it's often good sense
to show an aggressive defense.
to prevent your strong foes
from making huge throws,
make your blocking game much more intense.
"
"an albino is someone whose hair
is as white as a polar bear's lair.
he lacks pigment, i think,
as his eyes are pale pink,
and his skin's really milky and fair.
"
"when i went for a ride on my bike,
i did not get as far as i'd like:
i rode only one mile,
which is hardly worthwhile,
before my machine went on strike!
"
"a man ran along with his dog;
that means that they both were ajog.
their gait was quite swift
(it was fast, get my drift?),
both jogging along in the fog.
"
"pete peed and then started to flush,
and was seen by belinda, ablush.
her face turned bright red,
and her insides were lead;
now they're keeping the story hush-hush.
"
"an airgun is (kind of) a gun,
except that it's meant more for fun.
use this toy gun with care:
though propelled by just air,
still the missile could injure your son.
"
"if you're ailing, you're terribly sick
from a germ or a bite from a tick:
for instance, infections
(you'll need some injections),
or hiccoughs, which mean that you (hic).
"
"the old postage stamp blushed and cried,
""i'm embarrassed!  my naked back side
is no longer sticky.
ah, life's just a quicky!
adhesively speaking, i've dried.""
"
"the contraction spelled ain't means ""am not""
or ""do not"" or ""does not"" or ""did not""
or ""are not"" or ""is not""
or ""have not"" or ""has not,""
which means ain't is tied up in a knot.
"
"i'm writing these lines in all candor:
my webster's defines the word and/or
conjoined in this way:
""either and or or.""  hey!
four conjunctions.  now what could be grander?
"
"some artists are artful, some arty,
some artless, some artsy, some hearty.
when artworks are done
then it's time to have fun,
so for god's sake and art's sake, let's party!
"
"to eliot, april is cruel.
as far as months go, he's a fool:
october's a curse,
november's a hearse,
and december's a harsh icy ghoul.
"
"do philosophers think it's a quirk
that the universe happens to work?
many cry, ""it's all cause!""
others laugh at such laws.
and some aetiologically smirk.
"
"he proclaimed himself ""gunther the great!""
but his subjects said, ""abdicate, mate!""
while they rallied each night,
his old visage grew white:
albication from fearing his fate.
"
"there once was a scary-eyed humanoid
who was, he would constantly fume, annoyed;
his eyes, although round,
lacked a protein that's found
within egg whites: ""they just ain't albuminoid!""
"
"young mary, age five, liked to go
for a stroll with her pet, old and slow:
'twas an ancient ewe, who
at one hundred and two
had fleece that was whiter than snow.
"
"the minotaur there by the door
welcomes tourists, who come by the score.
every guest must adapt
to survive, or be trapped
in the labyrinth under the floor.
"
"as the bubbles rose softly, to aerify,
the fish they did instantly terrify.
as they hid, dashed and darted,
i thought them faint-hearted,
but pulse rates were tricky to verify.
"
"if you're climbing up high in a tree,
and you fall, landing hard on your knee,
i hope that you would
(since it's for your own good)
see a member of acep.
"
"i would so like my home to be aerier.
i believe it would make my life merrier.
but to feel truly free,
it should be in a tree.
and then how would i let out my terrier?
"
"my blood's lacking the key ahg?
hemophilia's my problem, you see.
my prescription was written,
but i went to great britain
where the government gives it out free!
"
"i'm a member of aisc;
i just calculate steel endlessly.
i-beam weights and their sizes
hold no big surprises,
but to hold up your building, they're key.
"
"if you have correctly accounted,
then your audit has only amounted
to a trip into town,
and some sweat rolling down.
an aggrieving intrusion, surmounted.
"
"if to akiak, alaska you fly,
then your baggage is tagged aki.
if your suitcase gets lost,
and you get a good frost,
stay inside, where you'll keep warm and dry.
"
"i am proud of my beautiful wife,
as she agelessly helps me through life.
with few wrinkles to gauge
chronological age,
you would swear she's been under the knife.
"
"i've purchased a house that's divine.
to further refine the design,
this house i will furnish
with things you must burnish.
i want my possessions to shine.
"
"the bursar brings feelings of dread.
i can't even afford to buy bread.
forget higher learning;
i'd rather be earning
a living before i am dead.
"
"i have eaten the meal of my dreams.
such cuisine, taken to the extremes,
made a glutton of me
and i do guarantee
that i surely will burst at the seams.
"
"the equity market is fun
if you're careful to not be outdone.
if you're slow, costs are steep,
but i'm fast, so it's cheap.
that is what we call beating the gun.
"
"the appropriateness was in question:
the audience booed the suggestion
that the lion king's roar
was a burp, nothing more,
since he suffered from bad indigestion.
"
"i have actually driven through aiken.
it's a town in which nothing is shakin'.
small town to its core,
that i know, not much more?
oh, it smelled of hot coffee and bacon.
"
"to desacralize things, i regret,
makes traditional clergy upset.
when a relic or thought
goes from holy to not,
they suspect it's a secular threat.
"
"in the countryside, fair and arboreal,
the language is less dictatorial.
those dialects dear
to my populist ear
sound charmingly quaint and enchorial!
"
"i've created a turing machine,
the likes of which you've never seen:
it proves yours is correct?
what's that? you object?
""computability""? what does that mean?
"
"it hardly occurs to the young
that to speak with a glib double-tongue
makes each a damned liar,
cast into the fire
from which their duplicity'd sprung.
"
"in texas it's now all the rage
to decorate yards with blue sage.
this salvia's hue
has been called gentian-blue.
it's long-lasting, and fragrant with age.
"
"you'd think nothing could make a man sadder
than having a full, sloshy bladder,
legs crossed at the knee
'cause he's so full of pee ?
then the sprinklers start, making him madder.
"
"the solution was abietinic,
and its stickiness shocked the whole clinic.
it's a resin, you see,
that comes out of a tree
(and defined here, unless you're a cynic).
"
"a bull fly observed with a sigh,
""no matter how often i try,
i'll bite through the hide
of some bovine backside,
but i can't ever suck them bone dry.""
"
"unrestrained, with no morals, that's me!
i'm indulgent, licentious and free.
give me decadency! i'll
live my life in high style,
with fine brandy, not cheap eau de vie.
"
"there was a young lady named flo
whose blood count and weight were too low.
her prescribed builder-upper
(used right after supper)
restored all her get-up-and-go.
"
"""don't water that cactus!"" i shouted.
""its shoots will damp off ? they've just sprouted!
with a sousing each day
they will surely decay.""
""oh, try soaking your head,"" shirley pouted.
"
"mused a famous road racer named lance:
""domestiques give a rider a chance.
without help from my hip team
creating a slipstream,
 i'd never have won tours de france.""
"
"sue's a consummate lover, and how!
there's no limit to what she'll allow.
although we're just dating,
we've mastered the mating
that ought to come after the vow.
"
"it might be from poor stock projection,
or gowns that fall short of perfection,
but a marked-down-price dress rack
is on the express track
to make room for the new spring collection.
"
"your biceps is only one muscle
that allows you to hit and to tussle.
just south of your shoulder,
it helps you to hold her
while twirling and doing the hustle.
"
"wearing contacts to see is no fun,
but dot parker has nailed it in one
with her girls wearing glasses
and men who are asses ?
it looks like my vanity's won.
"
"a baseball is typically found
in the air and not down on the ground.
it's white with red stitches,
the object of pitches;
that thwack is a marvelous sound!
"
"a calabash isn't the same
as a casbah of similar name.
and i bet you'll be bored
when i say it's a gourd,
not a fortress of african fame.
"
"a musical concert is where
live music floats out through the air.
when you read the reviews
in the next morning's news,
you can say to yourself, ""i was there!""
"
"a contingency plan is a must
in the case of unquenchable lust.
you'll have children galore ?
five or ten, maybe more ?
if plan a, using condoms, goes bust.
"
"cytophotometrically, students can tell
all the compounds that make up a cell
by staining a section
for closer inspection ?
once they use the photometer well.
"
"you hope they won't see through your guff,
when your facts are substantially fluff,
and you lay out your case
with a poker pro's face,
and then baffle them all with your bluff.
"
"a hard-working nail or a screw
set in brick needs a dook to hang true.
a plug in the hole
plays a load-bearing role,
so your painting won't hang all askew.
"
"an abactor is somebody who
likes to take things (not his) that say moo.
but there's one little flaw ?
if he's caught by the law,
he'll be up to his eyes in cow poo.
"
"for those who don't like to see hair
on their bodies, especially ""down there"",
a bikini wax yanks
those hairs out by their shanks
and you don't even have to use nair.
"
"the basement i work in's not cheery.
underground, without windows, it's dreary.
my foremost complaint
is that sunny, it ain't!
just being down here makes me weary....
"
"has anyone had constipation?
its symptoms include great frustration,
an intestinal sludge
that's unwilling to budge,
cramping, pain, gastric stress, consternation!
"
"""juror nine,"" said the foreman, ""don't blow it.
he's guilty as sin ? you should know it!
you bungled the quotes;
it should be in your notes.
the abstract of record will show it.""
"
"a luddite proclaimed in frustration,
""suvs are the scourge of the nation!
abominations! i yearn
so to burn, each in turn,
all the suvs parked at the station.""
"
"when noah constructed the ark,
he could tell it would be a big barque.
but so large the boat grew
that he'd worry and stew,
""i won't have enough room to park!""
"
"joanne kept herself quite aloof.
to befriend you, she needed some proof
that intentions were spotless;
if actions were thoughtless,
she'd doubtless retreat to the roof.
"
"a flatulent roman, ignatius,
filled balloons with a substance most gaseous.
he called them fine art,
and they did look quite smart,
though they smelt most unpleasantly caseous!
"
"you should not, imho, be proud
when you write that you're lol.
it is way too abstruse,
and there's no good excuse ?
lol when you read this out loud!
"
"here i submit a short verse,
defining in manner quite terse.
though it isn't sublime,
it does rhyme and keep time.
to aggravate means ""to make worse.""
"
"""anthropomorphic, my ass!""
said the teacher in front of his class.
""when a mule starts to bray,
he's not going to pray,
he is only a donkey ? alas!""
"
"to meg beagle's skill i aspire;
her artistry couldn't be higher.
her meter's perfection,
and her predilection
for rhyming i greatly admire.
"
"said the doctor, ""you don't have the flu,
although you have aches through and through.
sad to say, john calhoun,
you are autoimmune.
the source of your trouble is you!""
"
"""if you please, have a bit of my cheese.
i'm in need of your taste expertise.""
""are you sure it's not trash?
for it's covered with ash.""
""aisy cendre will never displease.""
"
"before you have ice cream and pie,
these burgers and fries you must try.
then some pasta and bread
with some buttery spread.
this meal is calorically high!
"
"a capful of laundry detergent
will combat any spill that is urgent.
aha!  a success!
i've defeated the mess,
for the blouse and the stain are divergent.
"
"the printer had run out of ink,
but my colleague neglected to think
how the ink should be loaded.
the cartridge exploded,
and now he's entirely pink!
"
"my enemy wielded a blade;
all the same, i remained unafraid.
it's not hard to escape
the acuminate shape
of a leaf?for i have a grenade.
"
"as i carried a bunglesome crate,
its unwieldiness altered my gait.
it crashed to the floor?
broken bottles galore.
it's a shame, for that wine was top rate.
"
"""i'm afraid i've some sort of psychosis.""
""i suggest that you seek out hypnosis.
i see you're quite shocked
and your memories are locked.
you've got accident,"" doc said, ""neurosis.""
"
"here's the object for which you've been waiting;
great for snacking and melting and grating,
beaufort cheese is delish.
if you please, grab a dish,
for the taste of this cheese is elating.
"
"you can get them in two or three pieces,
with carefully placed and pressed creases.
with one breast or two,
you'll look dapper; it's true.
a business suit's charm never ceases.
"
"a friend of mine goes through some urges;
when food is before her, she splurges.
she's up to the hilt
with her self-induced guilt.
she's bulimic, you see, so she purges.
"
"a bulldozer's slow excavation
gives hours of rapt fascination:
boys could watch it forever
moving dirt, rocks, whatever.
who says they have no concentration?
"
"ccc wasn't formed just for trees ?
they did many more jobs, if you please!
they built walls, roads, and buildings,
and many more skilled things,
so hip, hip, hooray for three cs.
"
"please don't call concrete cement!
if you do i will really get bent.
cement is a powder.
but concrete's a chowder
made of sand, water, rocks, and ... cement.
"
"an adamite couturier
decided that clothes were outr?.
this good-looking dude
is now always nude
and his fall line has gone by the way.
"
"a blue and white flower, ornate,
takes the name baby blue-eyes?but wait!
don't be fooled and confuse
these unsung baby blues
with sinatra. that's old blue eyes (late).
"
"the word muffins turns muffin when single,
but aggregates, see, always mingle.
the alps can be distinguished,
and soapsuds extinguished,
but soapsud and alp just don't jingle.
"
"a grim warrior creeps to the lair
of a fire-breathing dragon. beware!
but within, he espies
a bathetic surprise:
that serpent just washing his hair.
"
"once, in a race i invested?
i bet on the boy barrel-chested.
starting high on the knoll
(for the goal was to roll),
being round, he had all the rest bested.
"
"poor old oscar the grouch got quite mad
in his can (too much fun can be bad).
so he slid down and hid,
and he battened his lid
using all the spare trash that he had.
"
"""since the first day i saw you,"" said he,
""you're just lovely?so clever, so free!""
but i (thanks to mother)
knew one line from another.
""that banana oil won't work on me!""
"
"to eat with a fork's hard to swing,
so babies are likely to fling
bits of food here and there.
hang a wall by their chair:
the backsplash contains the whole thing.
"
"the most favorite frolic of fran:
eating back-to-back apples. bad plan!
downing eight in one night
led her straight to her plight:
making back-to-back trips to the can.
"
"if you're bastardly born, you've no dad;
but to bastardly act shows a cad.
once, the meanings related,
but now that's outdated.
better dadless than friendless, i'll add.
"
"if your family tree's knitted tightly,
and you spit in a can (but politely!),
keep old trucks in your yard,
and eat possum well-charred,
then i'll dub you backwoodsy, and rightly.
"
"some book-cookers know how to con
(like those outlaws who worked for the don).
crooked bookkeepers find
ways to rob accounts blind:
enron r?sum?s? better move on!
"
"bipolarize must be defined,
but none picked it; it got left behind.
so i'll input ""to make
bipolar"" for sake
of our progress and sweet peace of mind.
"
"some people their bodies malnourish,
using drugs in a style connoisseur-ish.
temporarily strong?
but it won't be for long
that they asymptomatically flourish.
"
"the awning's a useful invention
that adds a sun-blocking dimension
to your comfy rv
or caf?s in capri,
by means of a canvas extension.
"
"it's a place where one's wine one can store,
or a basement beneath the ground floor.
though oft dark and dank,
we have cellar to thank
for that musical phrase, cellar door.	
"
"i've read in old books that i scan
of the ainu, a venerable clan?
the forebears perhaps
(before there were maps)
of the stock that now dwell in japan.
"
"we cope with our deep self-rejection
by raising thick walls of protection.
the person in you
you'll abhorrently view...
until love lets you like your reflection.
"
"some use junk (craving vim like a dervish),
popping weight pills for figures so curve-ish.
this method's askew,
your health it will screw;
we can't stay artificially verve-ish.
"
"my washing machine is sensational!
its method is quite agitational.
it spins, scrubs, and cleans
dirty socks, shirts, and jeans.
i find staring inside inspirational!
"
"she held out her hand and i kissed it,
then she flirted with me, but i missed it.
when she angrily left,
i felt most bereft!
so i checked, but her number's unlisted.
"
"the seventy-something spry cow
took her bull by the horns and asked, ""how
shall we manage to dance
with a splash of romance
if we can't get back up when we bow?""
"
"the bossy old cow near the door
took a bull by the horns on the floor,
looked her bull in the eye,
said, ""moo moo and hi hi!
whee! i'm udderly shot ? i want more.""
"
"when coretta attempted to teach
our class about freedom of speech,
every one of us booed,
feeling free to be rude.
still, she failed one and all?that is, each.
"
"cold october made four hairy bees
soporifically lie at their ease,
each apparently dead
on a thistle-stem head,
until warmed in the sun by degrees.
"
"when the weatherman forecast a gale,
the ferryman's visage turned pale.
he cancelled the trip,
stranding bob at the slip.
it's too bad that he can't book a whale.
"
"when a late concert-goer arrived
to discover that he was deprived
of his seat till next curtain,
he started in flirtin'
with the doorman ? a palship short-lived.
"
"said the nautilus, ""cousin, keep back.
as an octopus, you never lack
for romantic, dark charms,
like philandering arms
or your cephalopod's inky sac.""
"
"if you see semi-solid cement
that has not hardened yet, and you dent
it with fancy designs
and a phrase that defines
randy minds, is your labor misspent?
"
"the horse-bodied centaurs of greece
liked to booze, romp with nymphs, breach the peace.
but chiron, the healer,
died saving the stealer,
rescinding cruel zeus's caprice.
"
"when samantha was praised for celerity,
she said that her coach's severity
had pushed her to sprint
twice as hard. such a stint
upped her speed when she drilled with asperity.
"
"in cairo, mubarak's proscriptions
incited the people's conniptions.
but this new arab spring
isn't only their thing:
all people can walk like egyptians.
"
"the soul's cycle helps clear a third eye;
our form's phase of rebirth points to why
all past acts in one life
can sprout joy or new strife.
there is little that ends when we die.
"
"blessed chaitra, first month of the year,
blooms with flowers and colorful cheer.
in dark night, the moon's dearth
helps evoke the world's birth
when lord brahma made all we hold dear.
"
"a camino real is a road,
a route royal, from spanish. the mode
and conveyance of kings
are just not new world things:
the main streets there support no king's load.
"
"there are skeletons ground in bone earth,
which composes fine china of worth.
all that's born has to die
(even us), which is why
of this ash there will not be a dearth.
"
"aristarchus of samos was one
who divined how the heavens were run.
but the ancients were leery
of any new theory
that claimed the earth orbits the sun.
"
"antinationalism abates
fruits of zealotry's regional hates
by avoiding the traps
of false lines on our maps
and the problems ""we're better"" creates.
"
"polymorphism, balanced well, sets
innate traits that each living thing gets.
it puts genes in their pools
so they knock out the fools,
making biodiversified bets.
"
"bioethics, the field, dares to ask
if our doctors in glory should bask.
it probes their quack meddling
and sham snake-oil peddling,
with mad scientists taken to task.
"
"meister hegel's idealism's not
an ontology really so hot.
it seems like he's boozing
with spirit infusing
absolutely all creatures, mein gott!
"
"while caribbean reefs are all right
in the daytime, you may not catch sight
of a basket star, moray,
or octopus foray.
for nocturnals, go diving at night.
"
"at our limericks, readers might bridle
with enmity anapesticidal.
brilliant puns, it now seems,
merely clutter their dreams
while they doze through american idol.
"
"who is this young man in our verse?
anapestilent filler...or worse?
please atone for your shame,
give the fellow a name,
and don't make an editor curse.
"
"while hiking the forest with lee,
i noted a tall, stately tree.
lee's comment: ""a pine.""
""no, broad-leafed,"" was mine.
""it's angiospermous, you see.""
"
"at mcneil river falls, the brown bear
lets photographers click without care.
ursus arctos by name,
he's indifferent, not tame,
if they'll only stay out of his hair.
"
"while casting for salmon, alas,
the angler could catch only bass.
for, despite his fond wish,
the anadromous fish
said, ""this river's too warm, so i'll pass.""
"
"bur marigolds, often called weeds,
make beggar-ticks: barbed, sticky seeds.
unlike those of blue phlox,
these seeds cling to your socks?
a torment that nobody needs.
"
"mary's parents expressed consternation
when she majored in art conservation.
then they learned art was wealthy?
and old and not healthy?
and bragged of her fine education.
"
"whenever i'm asked what i do,
my reply's unexpected, but true.
i explain in all candor,
""i'm a hummingbird bander,
a skill shared with only a few.""
"
"the plural of bureau is bureaux:
secretariats doling out eureaux,
or desks where we sit
to write verses with wit
and draw pen-and-ink chiaroscureaux.
"
"the french collage artist georges braque,
when he walked, wouldn't step on a craque.
such pedal idealism
suggested surrealism,
though for cubism he had a knaque.
"
"high-school dropout, my confidence wracked,
i'm a self-doubting autodidact.
though i've taught myself well,
i can never quite tell
if my lessons are grounded in fact.
"
"these bandidos don't ride upon horses,
so beware of the rampaging forces
at pains now to tell
they're not angels from hell,
though their harleys come from the same sources.
"
"anger management isn't for me.
i really don't need it, you see.
no, no, hear me out,
please don't force me to shout
or to put my foot through the tv!
"
"dasyphyllous, when said of the dahlia,
can result in definitive failure.
it denotes hairy leaves,
though a sex fiend perceives
it applies to diseased genitalia.
"
"prince charles is of nature a pillar,
who regards home-bred sheep as a thriller.
he's become quite a glutton,
not for lamb, but for mutton
(which explains his ""sheep's eyes"" for camilla).
"
"austin-healeys are cars built for sport,
though perhaps not the kind that you thought.
when you're trying to make
love around the hand brake,
you may wish a sedan you had bought.
"
"bryophyllum (of plants it's a class)
in hot climes reaches critical mass.
since it propagates wildly
(that's putting it mildly)
you can't make it keep off the grass.
"
"an infertile young lady named eve
had more suitors than you might believe.
their constant demands
had her wringing her hands:
""why they like me, i cannot conceive.""
"
"hells angel supreme, sonny barger,
finds his legend grows steadily larger
with each ""hog"" that is sold
to a stockbroker, bold
weekend outlaw on loud, metal charger.
"
"hairy folks from new york to pearl harbor
consult an old chap called the barber.
if unkempt, give a holla'
when you're in walla walla,
or ask for a trim in ann arbor.
"
"an average is easily had:
several numbers together you add.
once achieving your sum,
then divide by the num-
ber of addends?see, that wasn't bad!
"
"the genes of the pale anglo saxon
give features like hair that is flaxen,
a nose that is spare,
and skin that is fair.
(for example, check out michael jackson.)
"
"disorganized books oft will spawn
financial reports frowned upon.
be accountancy bad,
uncle sam might get mad,
and the feds could invade like g. khan!
"
"an astronaut must avoid carelessness,
since space is a void of vast airlessness.
to maintain protection,
at nasa's direction
the guys all wear suits known for tear-lessness.
"
"the franciscan persuasion of friar
is well known for his taste in attire.
cordelier, a name based
on the cord round his waist,
is another name that he'll acquire.
"
"when a cottonwood tree does the deed,
it fills up the sky with its seed.
on a blustery day,
it can easily spray
far more seeds than the most fecund weed.
"
"a wreath of hair topping your head,
termed anastole by the well bred,
is the plait that the late
alexander the great
wore in portraits and also to bed.
"
"the dust from a small roasted bean
makes a drink that's surprisingly mean.
that drink is called cocoa.
when it's near i go loco,
for my mom always used it to wean.
"
"in the desert the bedouin dwell?
nomadic, arabian, swell.
but they dream, so it seems,
agronomical schemes.
their love of ag sci they can't quell.
"
"when the temp in madrid is at nine,
a yank calls it fifty, the swine.
why this insult i've hurled?
for the rest of the world
the celsius scale is just fine.
"
"they say agrippina killed claudius,
but facts in the case are the spottiest.
she got billed as the baddie
when she killed her son's daddy;
now nero is seen as the naughtiest.
"
"there once was a beachboy named hootie
whom the girls all considered a cutie.
though his job was to cater
and to serve as a waiter,
when off duty, young hootie chased booty.
"
"though the general longed for perfection,
his orders required such correction
his poor aide-de-camp
had to fight writer's cramp
to rewrite each and every direction.
"
"most knots are revered for their function
and a steadfast, rock-solid main junction.
but the bowknot is tops
among dandies and fops,
and it's worn without any compunction.
"
"in the nursing home, stories were told
of an octogenarian bold.
he dared pick several locks,
just to enter fort knox,
where he put silver threads 'mongst the gold.
"
"the magician shouts, ""abracadabra!""
with the strange way he talks, he can grab ya.
your attention he takes;
with a flourish he makes
a white dove from a lit candelabra!
"
"there are times when a fighter must cede.
please, surrender. you no longer need
to remain in the field,
to defy and not yield.
just lie down for a breather and bleed.
"
"those astrology buffs make me burn.
first my planets at birth they discern.
then they say we'll combine,
'cause i've got the right sign,
but i always say, ""wrong. no left turn!""
"
"a tough cut of meat is the brisket.
for cooks it's not clever to risk it,
for when served to a party,
they'll fail to eat hearty,
and many will fill up on biscuit.
"
"octopi, and the squid in addition,
fit the cephalopod definition.
they've tentacular growth
round their mouths, you've my oath ?
a bizarre extra-oral condition.
"
"just for bootlessness she can astound.
she runs businesses into the ground.
simply baking a cake
tends to cause her to flake,
but she's cute, so we keep her around.
"
"on the page, the ink blobbed in a pool.
his calligraphy style is not cool.
and for writing his note
while he's feeding his goat,
the calligrapher's quite a big fool.
"
"from the rooftop, the music had blared.
in the building the tempers had flared.
when the kid on the flute
saw the first big ol' brute
he just fled so his neck would be spared.
"
"a guest in the pub cried ""forsooth!
the service here's truly uncouth,
for children abound
in the kitchen... i've found
in the chowder a *gak* baby tooth!""
"
"it's amazing that nobody cared ?
she walked 'round with her chest fully bared.
but in camp with the nude,
clothes would be rather rude;
she disrobed at the gate as declared.
"
"'round the barnyard the chickens all roam.
ducks and goats, pigs and sheep call it home.
once you scatter the feed,
there will be a stampede?
you'll not find a spare seed with a comb!
"
"to the town, folks from near and from far
come to shop at the weekly bazaar.
corn and cabbage and milk
can be found beside silk,
as much as can fit in the car.
"
"if at soldiers your rockets you aim
but civilians you murder or maim ?
while, unblushing and smug,
your strong shoulders you shrug ?
""it's collateral damage,"" you claim.
"
"""oh, my love!"" said a short, swarthy turk,
""deep inside me a viking does lurk!""
that was much to her liking.
did she know that a viking
goes on rampage whenever berserk?
"
"what will make your stiff style more elastic?
the word order that's known as chiastic.
just, whatever you say,
make it a b b a:
""dull is wordsworth, while keats is fantastic!""
"
"who is jumping for joy? ban ki-moon.
to new york he will go very soon.
""it's not safe in korea:
kim jong-il is too near.
secretaryship's really a boon!""
"
"in this verse you'll be taught how to chew.
when consuming your fare (le menu),
don't just swallow (gulp, gulp!);
first convert it to pulp
with your molars (incisors won't do).
"
"you should aim at conciseness, dear mate ?
in one word you should state what you state!
will the reader abide
if you write ""flee and hide""?
use absquatulate, simple and straight!
"
"if you want a description of air,
i shall give you not one, but a pair:
song, in operas sung,
and the food for your lung
that's unseen, omnipresent and rare.
"
"is carphology hard to define?
of high fever it's surely a sign.
when the patient maltreats
all his blankets and sheets,
then the doctors give up and resign.
"
"light footfalls and creaky old hinges
add life to a film with their tinges.
with foley art, i
add these noises and try
to remove a stray sound that impinges.
"
"at the deli, preparing a fete,
your third digit you sadly ablate
on the fast-spinning blade
of the slicer?food-grade?
and your fingertip lands on my plate.
"
"when fog is obstructing the view
of the lee shore that menaces you,
and the light is obscured,
then the foghorn is heard,
helping save both your ship and your crew.
"
"a rainbow without any rain?
the colors all washed out and plain?
it's a fogbow that's there,
due to fog in the air.
(which is wrecking my hair ? what a pain!)
"
"no savory, spicy, or sweet,
no salad, potatoes or meat.
my tum sorely rumbles;
my blood sugar tumbles.
i'm foodless: i've nothing to eat.
"
"though i know he prefers his cake moist,
on my son the last slice i did foist.
it was several days old
and beginning to mold.
""just eat it!"" i forcefully voiced.
"
"as you pilot your schooner around,
from below comes a loud scraping sound,
and you yell, ""what the heck?""
as you're pitched 'cross the deck?
well, it's just that your ship's run aground.
"
"the arrogant man's overbearing;
he's proud, and he's rude and uncaring.
and further, he knows
that his shoes and his clothes
are much better than those that you're wearing.
"
"""it killed all the weeds! what a hoot!
let's use it on food crops to boot.""
""we can't,"" came the answer.
""it's thought to cause cancer.
that amitrole's risky."" ""aw, shoot!""
"
"as the doctor is making her rounds,
she stops at a bed and expounds,
""this patient, you see,
has amusia: he
cannot comprehend musical sounds.""
"
"arecoline's used by your vet
to eradicate worms in your pet.
it's in betel nuts, too;
you can give them a chew
for a high that you'll never forget.
"
"amobarbital puts me to sleep
with no tossing, no counting of sheep.
and let's not neglect
that its calming effect
blunts the shock of its price. (rather steep!)
"
"the sleuth found a drop on the doily:
some goop that was colorless, oily.
it was aniline! beth
had been poisoned to death!
""this may be a clue,"" he said coyly.
"
"beset with a torturous sprain,
i started to whine and complain.
my wife, sympathetic,
got pills analgetic
to mitigate my (and her) pain.
"
"""our course on the bible now closes
with a quiz: who's the father of moses?""
""it's amram,"" i stated.
""it's clear they're related
because of their similar clotheses.""
"
"said a greedy young fellow from devon,
""this behavior won't get me to heaven!
when my body's cadaverous,
my soul will burn!  avarice,
as sins go, is surely top seven!""
"
"you can say it ""ba-nal,"" also ""bay-nal"";
and ""ba-nahl"" is fine, too; i'm not anal.
it's a word that means quite
unoriginal; trite:
it'll work much the same as inane'll.
"
"said a tourist, ""where did my umbrella go,
and furthermore, why would a fella go,
in the season of rain,
to this damned island chain,
this forsaken-by-god archipelago?""
"
"avast! while it's no interjection
(rather, proving a verb on inspection),
it's the right thing to shout
when you mean ""cut that out!""
and pirating's your predilection.
"
"it was done, by and large, so they say,
with the eyes, on godiva's big day.
to disaster it's done
when a hard day is won.
it's averting, or turning away.
"
"that it came from the french i could glean,
but i couldn't tell what it might mean,
so i asked my friend serge,
""que veut dire 'un auberge'?""
and he said, ""it's an ? 'ow you say? ? inn.""
"
"this diner has patrons so rude
the accommodators feign a good mood.
every waiter employs
perseverance and poise,
and they deign not to spit in the food.
"
"all the witnesses swore out in writing
the accused had been part of the fighting.
affidavits  attest
he resisted arrest
as police took him, kicking and biting.
"
"in acidulent times of decay,
all respect will erode day by day.
next-door neighbors will fight
out of hatred and spite
because friendship's been eaten away.
"
"in the kitchen, i axially think,
or else i'll crash into the sink?
because walking a line
i can barely define
is harder with too much to drink!
"
"they had scrambled so hard for the puck
that by accident someone got struck
in the face with a stick.
retribution was quick ?
on red ice, both the teams ran amok.
"
"please forgive how i lack certain grace.
through these halls, back and forth, i must pace.
i'm so antsy i shake
and my muscles all ache
for a smoke ? since i quit, my thoughts race.
"
"those who thwarted imperial schemes
harbored anticolonialist dreams.
for their country they fought
against powers who sought
to establish oppressive regimes.
"
"annexational aims for a land
that had plenty of oil on hand
brought the move to invade
but no promised parade.
the results didn't turn out as planned.
"
"so he says all my morals are bad,
and my leather and spikes are a fad.
my admonisher freaks
every time that he speaks.
but what would  you expect from my dad?
"
"paracelsus, alchemical master,
had a cure for near any disaster:
a mercurial liquor
called azoth that's quicker
and stronger than oil of castor!
"
"the acceleration principle shows
that when income is shrinking or grows,
the investments will go
even more high or low?
something every economist knows.
"
"adosculation may be your salvation
if you feel reproductive temptation
but are lost at the start,
can't get part into part:
no insertion, but still impregnation.
"
"azoturia struck mr. ed;
the poor horse was confined to his bed.
he had in his pee a
large glut of urea.
""and my hindquarters ail me,"" he said.
"
"a playwright who wrote with facility
began showing signs of senility.
his final construction,
a role-less production,
was clearly without actability.
"
"i was granted a wish by an elf,
and was changed to a plant on a shelf.
now, come breakfasting hour,
i use chlorophyll power,
autotrophically feeding myself.
"
"an anacoluthon ? i'll show
what this means. when you start with ? although,
just as soon as you reach ?
(less in writing than speech) ?
with a different sentence, you know?
"
"a suffix, from algos (that's greek),
for a ""pain that affects your physique.""
stomat-, merocox-, plant-,
kerat-, neur-, enter-, pant-:
with these -algias, your future looks bleak.
"
"the algarve, where a tourist can roast
in the sun until charred into toast,
was ""the land in the west""
to the moors (dispossessed
and expelled to the barbary coast).
"
"they're not breathing? a bad situation!
please inflate them without hesitation.
in a nutshell, one blows
not one's own, but their nose.
(artificial ? so-called ? respiration.)
"
"my american friend known as lucho
speaks no english, or not very mucho.
this may come as a blow
to all those who don't know
that he lives in peru (ayacucho).
"
"when alien monsters break free
and attack in a brain-eating spree,
don't jump up in alarm, lest
you jostle your armrest
and topple your drink on my knee.
"
"in altdorf the natives enjoy
shooting apples off bill's little boy.
they honour therewith
the hero of myth
who managed the fruit to destroy.
"
"my air-cushion vehicle squeals
at a pitch that stuns elephant seals.
it's encrusted with rust.
level ground is a must,
and to boot: bloody thing's full of eels.
"
"to measure a current, you're beckoned
the ampere to use, once you've reckoned
the watts to each volt
in a poult-moulting jolt,
which equals the coulombs per second.
"
"in celaya, in 1915,
las villistas were overly keen.
por la revoluci?n,
they attacked obreg?n,
who disarmed them, a fate unforeseen.
"
"you can find aberdeens all around:
on scots shores, and near puget's cold sound,
and in north south dakota
(one more for the quota).
aberdonians clearly abound!
"
"said a man to his boy (with a snigger),
""that welt by your belt that grows bigger
and redder each day
as you're scratching away:
son, a skeeter it ain't.  that's a chigger!""
"
"""better stop, or i'll shoot,"" he exhorted.
i lay down, and my gun he abstorted.
a mere lad, three years old
(though he looked mighty bold),
with a cap-gun my bank-job has thwarted!
"
"if a sweet persian lass you adore,
if the thought of her strikes at your core,
to her family apply.
if you're good, by and by,
'neath that chador you might find amor!
"
"in christology's greatest debate,
the antiochene school carries weight.
""our lord christ,"" they opine,
""was more flesh than divine.""
alexandrians say, ""now, just wait!""
"
"after giving up pills, booze, and pot,
stephen king felt he'd conquered a lot.
he was later run down
by a van-driving clown.
balm in gilead's just what he sought.
"
"steel girders are rippling trouble?
oscillations beginning to double.
it's an aeroelastic
flutter fantastic
that turns our gal gertie to rubble.
"
"there's a house on a hill in brunei
that would make an incredible buy.
bathmophobia's rare?
makes it hard to live there?
so i moved out to here, bali. hi!
"
"when pilgrims first traveled the seas
the eastern us was all trees.
'twas arboreous land;
now everything's planned.
can we put back the trees, pretty please?
"
"chug, chug! what a big boy am i?
four sections and steam to the sky!
with twenty-four wheels,
brakes have righteous great squeals.
i end a big trip with a sigh.
"
"this cloth is an old innovation?
it's dampish: has little hydration.
it dusts stuff with ease,
and it cleans dirty knees,
hands and faces. now that's a sensation!
"
"the pistons and crank shaft work well
to make the car go. how? i'll tell.
when gasoline burns,
these push, so that turns,
'til it goes like a bat outta hell.
"
"red and dark is the wood, and it's rich;
from the acorns grow trees without pitch.
jagged limbs spread the trees.
leaves wide-lobed, set in threes:
they're the kharshu brown oak. they'll bewitch.
"
"i remember my high school custodian:
a glum and disgruntled cambodian.
he'd push brooms all day,
then he'd go home and pray
to the lord, ""let me play the melodion.""
"
"a chasuble's worn by a priest.
there's a cross on the back?one at least.
in front is a line.
open sides feel divine.
underneath?many layers look pieced.
"
"just -blooded means nothing?i'm blunt?
unless you add something up front.
try red, blue or hot.
then what have you got?
a word that's a word, not a grunt.
"
"when your cells self-destruct, you can't guide them,
since the enzymes the cells have inside them
are just doing those things
that autolysis brings.
so don't fret if you cannot abide them.
"
"what a nerve has my cousin ignatius.
his behavior is downright audacious.
he once tickled the chin
of the pope in berlin
who, in shock, could cry only ""my gracious!""
"
"aphrodite once donned her scant cestus
to arouse guys like zeus and hephaestus.
if today gals would wear
such a belt-like affair,
and we men stopped to stare, they'd arrest us.
"
"insurgents who'd beaten a track
to fallujah were taken aback
when they found the marines
had blown up the latrines
to repel an iraqi attack.
"
"when my finances look quite austere,
i go visit my aunt guinevere.
she's such a soft touch!
her largesse does so much
to keep my affairs in the clear.
"
"if you choose to look under a stone
and a creature pops out, all alone,
if it's long, thin and bendy,
legs up to each endy,
a centipede's cover's been  blown.
"
"when a centipede walks round a pea,
it bends to the shape of a  cee.
if you glue two together
(it's cruel, but whatever),
it's an o-shape they make, not a v.
"
"picard was unlucky to meet
an aggressive cardassian fleet.
so he polished his phasers
and fired his lasers,
'til those reptiles admitted, ""we're beat.""
"
"the brewmaster doesn't make wine,
only beer that should taste quite divine.
so please don't delay.
fill my mug up today.
a pint of your best will do fine.
"
"on suspecting a heart attack's start,
check the pulse, breathing too; then impart
cpr's application
without hesitation,
or swiftly a life will depart.
"
"there was a wise foreman from spay.
when allotting tasks,  often he'd say,
""if i may be so bold,
you must do as you're told
or you will not work after today.""
"
"the bottomlessness of the pit
is thus so that satan can sit
in judgement on sinners
(the losers, not winners),
and he needs lots of room so they fit.
"
"i admit carnal thoughts fill my mind
when i gaze on my lover's behind.
will living with ardour
get harder and harder
when my lover and i are entwined?
"
"while a masochist may say, ""it's true!
discomfort is good fun to do,""
i can't see the gain,
and alleviate pain
with a poultice and aspirin or two.
"
"""psychiatry must go away,""
fans of anti-psychiatry say.
and all of my voices
say if they had choices,
they'd insist that it happen today.
"
"percy stared at his small upper arm.
he could see he had cause for alarm,
for its muscle when flexed,
had him utterly vexed.
his brachii biceps lacked charm.
"
"you can count with your fingers and toes;
but you only have twenty of those.
so how is it one counts
more abundant amounts ?
with one's copious friends queued in rows?
"
"i've a fear of enclosures too small.
i just can't go inside them at all.
i keep telling my shrinks
claustrophobia stinks
and the therapy's making me bawl!
"
"though more common in german and dutch
to this morpheme some southerners clutch.
""i'm a-fix-in' to paint"" ?
with colloquial feint,
here the circumfix adds a quaint touch.
"
"chiffon cake is made without butter.
instead it's with eggs that you putter:
beat the whites until stiff ?
and it's done in a jiff.
""it's so light and so airy"", you'll mutter.
"
"in biology text books you'll find
this with spermatogenesis twined;
though at first you may think
acroblast is the stink
that comes out of a gymnast's behind.
"
"a medieval court jester performing
in this cap, finds his audience warming.
he resembles a rooster;
his coxcomb's the booster.
to his show, countless fans are now swarming.
"
"the digital landscape shone fairer
one day when a small coding error,
overlooked on his screen,
made an ugly and mean
cyber-terrorist less of a terror.
"
"it takes some bravado and cunning
to compete in the sport of drug running.
the hundred-yard dash
with a kilo of hash,
like biathlon, might call for some gunning.
"
"a fetishist gardener pushes
for removal of arrowwood bushes.
sure, they spring green and tall,
but they change in the fall
to the hue of his former wives' tushes.
"
"with a start when his grandma came near,
a lad lacking a grown-up veneer
said, ""what happened to you?
your hair is all blue!""
concernedly into her ear.
"
"a hint: not celebs on tv,
culture media happen to be
the liquids or gels
that microbial cells,
like pasteur's, often take with their tea.
"
"take care, masticophis flagellum,
that when coachdrivers turn up, you tell 'em
your species endorses
for use with their horses
the coachwhip that leathersmiths sell 'em.
"
"i once heard a specialist's quip?
an account of her favorite snip:
she had cut one twin brother
apart from the other
and now they're disjoined at the hip.
"
"some slang use is hard to combat.
it can mask our intent when we chat.
the phrase crap shooting could
wind up misunderstood:
it's a dice game, not hunting for scat.
"
"hunting woodlice mid leafy decay
and barnacles out in the bay,
then back to the lab
with lobster and crab:
a crustaceological day.
"
"the christian church, measured in stages,
from those early apostles and sages
to dear old ms. morgan
who bangs on the organ,
has changed a good deal through the ages.
"
"if you cheat in a rowing regatta
on the silvery r?o de plata
the argentine team
will protest and scream,
""declare him persona non grata!""
"
"is it ""weightlifting minus the strain""?
or ""an updraft replacing a crane""?
i've been thinking, you see,
what an airlift might be
if it didn't mean ""transport by plane.""
"
"the abessive's the case to declare
that a thing is away or not there.
somewhat formal in style,
it is once in a while
used by finns, who have cases to spare.
"
"so your kidneys have failed from infection?
choose a spare from my modest collection.
our tissue types match,
so it's fit as a patch
once they've drugged you for antirejection.
"
"the arroba enjoys great success
as ""that sign in the e-mail address.""
as a unit of weight
it's not used much of late,
and, frankly, the later, the less.
"
"a bladder, a stick and some thread
don't instill a sensation of dread.
you must be a fool
to use such a tool
for beating me over the head.
"
"paul dirac said, ""i'm forced to infer
that these antielectrons occur.
calculations will show
the e- we know,
but with 'charges reversed,' as it were.""
"
"the anapest meter, i'd say,
is our lim'rick-defining clich?.
but?it's almost bizarre?
no one's spoken so far
of the rhyme scheme, aabba.
"
"said the manuscript expert: ""indeed,
an americanist's what you need.
this was 'printed in maine'
and could not, it is plain,
have been owned by the venerable bede.""
"
"said the doctor of music (recorder):
""i shall drug you to treat this disorder.
i'm not that kind of doc,
but your timing's such schlock
that an antiarrhythmic's in order.""
"
"should we want to americanise
a word like conceptualise,
it is easy, if we
change the ""s"" to a ""zed""...
should we want to americanize...
"
"a tr?s chic voyageur, young and gay,
wore an arrow sash, ceinture fl?ch?e.
with it wrapped round his waist,
he shot rapids and chased
down the nottaway into james bay.
"
"the waves of the ottawa tossed
the astrolabe champlain had lost,
so he couldn't rely
on the stars in the sky
to judge how many arpents he'd crossed
"
"montreal, the st. lawrence cit?,
where you'll laugh at the things people say:
la poutine, d?panneur,
le grill cheese, le truckeur.
anglo-french, the canadian way, eh?
"
"when you've sucked all the juice from the cane,
the dry bits of pulp that remain
are known as bagasse,
which reminds me, alas,
what relaxed-fitting jeans might contain.
"
"the barmbrack's a soft spicy bread
that's baked up with currants, then spread
with some freshly churned butter.
you'll find it an utter-
ly wonderful meal to be fed.
"
"the flat bottomed boats, the bateaux,
sailed or rowed by the french long ago
in canadian streams
in the winter, it seems,
could be dragged and pushed over the snow.
"
"in the breeze, the forked flags flap and dance;
coloured banderoles wave on each lance.
henry v tells his men,
""we will beat them again.
in a trice we will trounce our foe france.""
"
"a young anarchist, code name ""black tom"",
threw a bomb with a certain aplomb.
but it failed to explode;
it just lay in the road.
you could say tommy's bomb was a bomb.
"
"on allhallowmas day, christians pray
to all saints that we not go astray.
congregation and priest
praise the lord on this feast,
while the devil looks on in dismay.
"
"i was bending to pick up a stick,
when rising i heard a loud crick!
now i'm lying in bed
and i can't move my head.
so lift with your legs, that's the trick.
"
"while many consider it odd
that a human would claim to be god,
christological queries
have spawned countless theories
from harvard's divinity squad.
"
"add this to taxonomy files:
scaly creatures of various styles?
and those who are wiser
avoid the incisor
when one from diapsida smiles.
"
"a young priest making rounds started stalling
at the bedsides of ladies and falling
for parishioners fair;
when the nurse saw him there,
she knew chaplainship wasn't his calling.
"
"a nature photographer snubs
the foliage of brittlebush shrubs,
but the desert transforms
when, following storms,
the plants burst with small yellow nubs.
"
"soon history teachers and tutors
will teach about old-fashioned shooters
who eventually traded
their guns?they upgraded
to cyberwar waged with computers.
"
"the audience tried to be civil,
but their graciousness started to shrivel
when, as dotery  spewed,
the comments were rude
on the speaker's ineffable drivel.
"
"hair aerification recalled
from my youth leaves me sad and appalled.
i would run city blocks,
feel the breeze in my locks ?
now no air's in my hair, 'cos i'm bald.
"
"said romeo, rapt in reflection,
""the damsel who stole my affection,
the fair juliet,
stood, the night that we met,
up on yon architect'ral projection.""
"
"we set off to fish before dawn,
come home with our cod in the morn.
girls fillet the catch,
then salt the whole batch
and spread them to dry on the bawn.
"
"in disputes with the management side,
if your grievance procedures provide
no solutions, don't wait.
go and arbitrate, mate.
let a neutral third party decide.
"
"""if it's purified well,"" claims my daughter,
""any agro-industrial water
from a fact'ry or farm
will do nobody harm.""
leastways, that's what monsanto has taught her.
"
"if you like to play gin or shoot skeet,
or to knit, dance, or eat shredded wheat,
or use energy for
almost any old chore,
mitochondrial cristae are neat!
"
"if you snorkel australia's beaches,
and a mermaid calls out ""pleased ta meetcha!""s,
just beware those soft lips,
and those broad, swaying hips,
for they might be a dugong's fine features.
"
"i watch holidays burgeon each year
as they stretch and grow longer. i fear
i'll see hearts in december,
halloween in september;
christmas carols in june, now, we hear!
"
"in obeah (caribbean lore)
it's the  duppy all people abhor.
evil spirits like that
make you hot-foot it, stat,
to a shaman who'll tell you the score!
"
"said descartes, ""i believe, on the whole,
that both body and mind have a role ?
mind, not physical brain ?
it's quite different, arcane.""
monists scoff that such dualism's droll.
"
"shooting pains in my chest caused me terror,
but the doc was a welcome-news bearer.
""that's chondritis, you see.
inflamed cartilage. gee,
bypass surgery would be in error!""
"
"when resplendent madonna converted,
the response was profuse and concerted.
though she's cabalized long,
and in many a song,
has she found true belief or just flirted?
"
"he adored the deep green of the jade,
and the taste of fresh fruit; they'd been weighed
to be packed for his flight.
although he travelled light,
tax was heavy?but duty was paid.
"
"back in pioneer days, once a fort burg,
now it's iowa's bustling port burg.
if the name of dubuque
makes you just want to puke,
think of this: could be worse. could be wartburg.
"
"when a twelve-sided figure draws mention,
the dodecagon gets the attention.
but a dodecahedron,
as all have agreed on,
has an eminent extra dimension!
"
"they were losing, just time for one play.
no despair did their faces betray.
their hope still surviving,
with firm, all-out striving,
the underdogs carried the day!
"
"artificer: someone who's paid
for his skill and finesse at a trade,
or the guy in the service
(who's probably nervous)
preparing each shell and grenade.
"
"violet, tinged a bit blue:
amethystine describes such a hue.
when i've swum in the lake
till i shiver and shake,
it describes what my lips look like, too.
"
"a client with whom i am dealing
is affectless (showing no feeling).
with his lack of emotion,
like warmth or devotion,
his dates find him less than appealing.
"
"atlantean? it means that you're strong,
just like atlas (or maybe king kong).
you appear fit and trim,
like you frequent the gym.
plus, you really look good in a thong.
"
"amarelle: an unusual cherry.
it's so pale and so sour that it's scary.
it can only produce
rather colorless juice
(though the depth of its clearness may vary).
"
"there once was an acridid, lenny,
who said as he waved his antennae,
""i'm a vigorous locust
whose plan is quite focused:
to eat not a few leaves, but many.""
"
"an abhorrer is someone who loathes,
like a youth with a zit on her nose;
a danseuse with a bunion;
a tot who tastes onion;
a teen when his mom buys him clothes.
"
"abetment is aiding in crime?
and a way i could make a spare dime.
but, no, that's just awful!
besides, it's unlawful:
i'd hate to be stuck doing time.
"
"the specialist called acoustician
could assist the performing musician.
he's an expert on sound,
including, i've found,
its production, control, and transmission.
"
"a baby unborn gets wedged in
when the passageway out is too thin.
a c-section's the way
of saving the day,
and the mother and baby both win.
"
"if you search 'neath a sweet chestnut tree
in the autumn you often will see
a pretty green bur
that inside will occur
a nut you can roast for your tea.
"
"i bought a big coat in peru
that was made from the fur of coypu.
""give it back!"" was its cry,
""or from cold i will die.""
i did! (and i'm sure so would you.)
"
"are you noticing old age advances?
and you don't want to take any chances?
christian socialism's the  way
that the rational pray,
and your life-after-death it enhances.
"
"my cottaging friends often meet
in locations they hope are discreet,
like a loo after dark
or an underlit park,
while avoiding police on the beat.
"
"it's a man who's in charge of the ward.
and let's hope that he doesn't get bored,
for when crises begin
and panic sets in
then the charge nurse will seek out accord.
"
"insomniac?... find you can't sleep?
and being awake makes you weep?
chloral hydrate's for you,
so take some now, do;
then off to your bed to count sheep.
"
"it's chief petty officer stokes,
a sailor who drinks rum and smokes.
he'll stay that way too,
as his blood isn't blue,
and captains ain't working-class folks!
"
"christ was killed at his father's behest,
for salvation of all of the rest
from the sins of mankind,
who then had him enshrined,
and resumed all their sinning with zest.
"
"on its own, anthelminthic will do
should you find you have worms in your poo.
if you swallow it quick
it'll soon do the trick,
and you won't then be eating for two...
"
"there's a welsh kinda fiddle, the crwth,
with a tone that is far from uncouth.
do these consonants trouble you?
please remember that ""w""
within wales is a vowel, forsooth!
"
"if you walk on your feet you may fall.
it is safer and wiser to crawl
on your elbows and knees.
thus i move with much ease,
having learned self-abasement, like paul.
"
"dearest reader, i welcome you. hi!
here's a riddle: what's wet and yet dry?
here's the answer: dry wine,
good to drink while you dine?
it's not sweet like a liquorice pie.
"
"what is ditto? it means ""what's been  said"".
don't repeat, better use it instead.
if a frenchman says ""merde!""
do not echo this word.
saying ""ditto!"" you'll pass for well bred.
"
"what's a dibbuk? for jews, it's a ghost
that will choose some poor bloke for his host
and may feel very well
in this living hotel.
my advice: if you've got one, don't boast!
"
"why's the boat from arabia named dhow
so admired from the stern to the prow?
'cause her nice, open waist
seems designed for men's taste:
it suggests a bikini-clad frau.
"
"among fifty (i guess that's the quota)
us states, two are known as dakota.
cities bismarck and pierre
(it is peer that you hear)
are their capitals. mind it, you doter!
"
"each father prefers to be dad.
if, thanks to a whim or a fad,
you feel that you'd rather
address him as father,
he's sure to exclaim: ""are you mad?!""
"
"there are two common meanings of cr?pe:
the french pancake and paper you drape.
but i ask: why one name?
what about them's the same?
not the taste, but the flatness of shape!
"
"people ask me sometimes, ""what's a cwm?""
i'll explain it, there's plenty of room.
cwm is welsh for a valley
where a glacier did sally
long before global warming did loom.
"
"there was something quite wrong with his eyes,
so all shades seemed achromatized dyes.
any time of the day,
every flower looked grey,
as he walked under cloudy-ash skies.
"
"he looks cool in his wrestling tights,
but gets booed by the crowd many nights.
it's just that he's stoic
and antiheroic
each time that he cheats and he bites.
"
"he had hoped to be bagging a moose
or some bears that were still on the loose ?
but friends, antihunting,
made so much noise grunting,
he snared only hares in a noose.
"
"aerography measures the sky
to discern if the air's wet or dry.
if there's too strong a wind
or the pressure has thinned,
the bad weather won't let our jets fly.
"
"apocryphally, dwight likes to write
many grant letters late in the night.
they have many a fact
that ain't close to exact,
with no credible sources to cite.
"
"there were plenty of laws in the books
abrogated by powerful crooks.
they had donated cash
to campaigns that would slash
all reforms from all corners and nooks.
"
"any boater can guide his own ship
out of docks or a mooring or slip.
if it sinks, he'll need skills,
or the growth of some gills,
if he hopes to continue the trip.
"
"all the earth always quakes when i grin,
and my face causes fights in berlin.
(but that's false, not the truth.
i've been downing vermouth
and my boastful big mouth is my sin.)
"
"forgive me my moody depiction;
my thoughts are a saddened admixtion:
high prices, the blues,
war and death in the news ?
while the partisans blame with conviction.
"
"as a bouncer you can't use your fist.
for when punks get too drunk or too pissed,
you must stop all the fights
at the end of most nights,
but not punch someone's face into grist.
"
"it is funny this word's on the list.
i suppose, though, it should not be missed.
but i do think this word
is completely absurd.
using boink for ""have sex""?  please resist!
"
"born in strasbourg, the artist named arp
(with his first name there's reason to carp)
gave us sculptures organic.
if you see one, don't panic ?
just say ""ah! biomorphic!"" (you're sharp.)
"
"in the third act, the playwright had plans
for a twist that would wow them in cannes.
but when blanche's dress tore
and then fell on the floor,
her coup de th??tre won fans!
"
"this convivial fellow named bart
is so friendly he must warm your heart ?
and his sociable way
is on constant display.
you can bet that his parties are smart!
"
"a congenial woman named ruthie,
whom the scots would have said to be couthie,
was pleasant and kind ?
although out of her mind ?
and with those teeth, i'd say she was toothy!
"
"on their wedding day mary told tom
that she hoped she would be a good mom.
he shouted with glee ?
""copulation's the key!""
(and that's just what they did ? with aplomb.)
"
"at one hundred and five warm degrees,
it's a yoga in need of a breeze.
so in bikram be sure
not to wear haute couture,
or you'll suffer large dry-cleaning fees.
"
"there's a melody filling the air.
oh!  another one? do not despair.
good composers have skill
to combine them, but still ?
mention counterpoint ? someone will swear!
"
"at the turn of this century, dance
could be hip hop or trip hop or trance.
but way back in the day,
my baroque textbooks say
the courante was in fashion in france.
"
"it may sound like a problem with (well ?
you know).  you'd be wrong ? i must tell.
""your hip joint's inflamed!""
the doctor exclaimed,
""the coxitis occurred when you fell.""
"
"in the sixties the clothes were ablaze.
lots of color?batik was a craze.
whether cotton or wool,
the palette was full.
wax and dye with an iron amaze!
"
"whether soup or some peas that are canned,
or some lotion that helps you look tanned,
i won't buy the cheaper
generics. the steeper
stuff's worth it because of the brand.
"
"for my eight-year-old princess's sake,
we've one heck of a party to make.
we've balloons and a clown;
we have painted the town;
we?my god! we've forgotten the cake!
"
"it may cause you a bit of distress
when you learn that i'm making a mess.
in the kitchen i do
when i mix up a stew?
but just wait till the tastes coalesce!
"
"the artiste with his famed entourage
liked to demonstrate making collage.
with his odd scraps of tin
and old rags he'd begin
to assemble a piece ""en garage.""
"
"her household she kept well in hand;
'round each ring finger sat a gold band.
with two men in her bed,
each desire well fed?
it's too bad that biandry is banned.
"
"in pursuit of the boldest of gear,
to further her dancing career,
the exotic young lass
with a penchant for brass
found a brazer to braze her brassiere.
"
"though i know my short walk's always brisk,
i'd not thought there was much of a risk.
but i sped down the street,
and tripped over my feet.
now i think that i've ruptured a disk!
"
"in our seats, to the music we sway.
on the stage, dancers twirl and jet?.
every bend at the knees
is intended to please.
after all, we are at the ballet.
"
"back in college the goals, one might find,
were the sort that professors maligned:
to give out the most hugs,
or to do the most drugs.
the intent was quite clear: blow one's mind!
"
"yes, the hair lab reports that you rate a
really dismal result on your data.
with tress loss progressive,
and shedding excessive,
you have alopecia areata.
"
"""what's the canonry worth?"" he enquired.
""i've been told that the canon's retired.
is the benefice good?
it must be understood
that for me a large sum is desired.""
"
"so it's albumen, dear, that you fear.
""please, i won't have the egg-whites,"" i hear.
but say folks in the know,
""it's the yolks that will grow
all that plaque and expand your big rear.""
"
"we must surely all know what a fart is.
the behind is the place where its start is.
were a film to include one,
mgm would say, ""rude one!
we want none of this *arse* gratia artis!""
"
"castrati oft hit the high b's.
quite a few could attain the high c's.
and though gonad deprived,
they would oft be high-fived,
winning glowing cast ratings with ease.
"
"a good quarterback must have mobility,
and be able to move with agility.
if he's nimble, he may
stay right out of the way
of those linemen with all their hostility.
"
"deep depression you just cannot lose;
thus, you constantly suffer the blues.
want to feel in the pink?
try some meds, i would think.
there are mood-lifting drugs you can choose.
"
"for her birthday give wifey a boa,
and her heart will beat fasta, not slowa.
you can say, ""what the heck,""
as it curls round her neck,
""if it's feathers she likes, well i'll showa!""
"
"it's my downfall. i eat peanut brittle.
for each time that i do, i know it'll
reward my sweet tooth,
though it's sadly the truth
that it gums up my dentures a little.
"
"no, you're so astigmatic i fear
that these eyeglasses won't make print clear.
still, you can, if you choose
to catch up on the news,
read the guardian weakly, my dear.
"
"now, what do you call this condition:
in writing this latest submission,
if you just rearrange
those things you can't change
to savor the sweet apposition?
"
"have you tried axiomatization?
the process is marked by frustration:
you'll find, once it's done,
that you've only begun?
but you will have a solid foundation.
"
"like the dappled effect on a stream
from the trees in the way of a beam
of sun: it's the way
light and dark interplay.
chiaroscuro's the word for my theme.
"
"in some dishes in labs there are grown
certain cultures that live all alone.
that is, they're confined
to cells of one kind,
or axenic, as this state is known.
"
"when i'm sick with a cold or the flu,
i get rheumy and feverish, too.
but the worst part is coughing
when phlegm's in the offing?
those chesty coughs sure make me blue.
"
"from the grapes near the old arno river
comes a wine that can make my tongue shiver.
this chianti (dry red),
as doc hannibal said,
is delicious with broad beans and liver.
"
"you've seen them out turning and turning,
cement mixers restlessly churning,
mixing gravel with sand,
plus cement, water, and
after pouring the concrete, returning.
"
"to make celery salt is quite quick:
take the seed of a celery stick
and grind salt with the seed.
that is all that you need,
since there really is no other trick.
"
"there's a critic who's always censorious,
and for it he's fairly notorious.
thus people agree
he'll criticize me
although i may be meritorious.
"
"there are certainties out there, like dying
and taxes, that no kind of trying
can help you evade.
so don't be afraid,
just accept them?it saves you the crying.
"
"will they carry me off on a gurney?
will i need to consult an attorney
(or lawyer)? for i'm
so in need of a rhyme
i'm adverting poor s. a. mcburnie!
"
"if ?(t)'s zero, with ?
polynomial (integer) ? why,
it's quite formulaic:
your t's algebraic
and not transcendental like ?.
"
"unit circle: at (1,0) start,
and then face counterclockwise and dart
t units around
to (x,y). now you've found
cosine t: it's just x. aren't you smart?
"
"the crab's a remarkable beast:
not the greatest crustacean, nor least;
but when sallying forth
to the south or the north
it will face to the west or the east.
"
"the cosine's importance is big
in the world of right-triangle trig.
to compute it, divide
the adjacent short side
by the long one ? hypotenuse, dig?
"
"although i'm no expert, no, sir,
seems to me, from what i can infer,
if you're forward and pert,
you avow to assert,
but when taking a vow, you aver.
"
"if there's aught that one ought to be taught,
it's  the true definition of aught.
it means ""anything; something,""
which may be a rum thing
to those who confuse it with naught.
"
"said an anxious young father, ""oh, hell!
now my eight-year-old daughter, michelle,
has run off with my drill
screaming, 'show them i will!'
and just what might that augur (foretell)?""
"
"said the teacher, ""the compound before us
contains gold.  is it auric or aurous?""
""with a charge of plus three,
gold is auric,"" said dee,
""if plus one, then it's aurous,"" quoth horace.
"
"my bartering deli, at first,
did well, but my fortunes reversed
when a bad trade occurred
with that guy and his bird
and the shop took a tern for the wurst.
"
"a ball hawk he is, their new pitcher?
from thrower to catcher, a switcher!
hit the ball toward the mound,
and you're surely just bound
to help that danged pitcher get richer.
"
"when he came and decided to stay
on the shores of the chesapeake bay,
george calvert's son cecil
said, ""tol'rance and peace'll
henceforth be the maryland way!""
"
"'round her teapot she drapes a pink cozy
so's to capture aromas red rose-y.
it will hold in the heat
while she seeks her retreat.
to the garden gazebo she'll mosey.
"
"i have trained my pet lobster just how
to autotomize, meaning that now
when i clamp on his claw
he lets go of it.  aw-
fully cruel, but what excellent chow!
"
"any surgeon who isn't a funge
will make use of this thing to expunge
all traces of bleeding
from wounds he is heeding:
the absorbable gelatin sponge.
"
"appearing at first rather dopey, a
galoot with a full cornucopia
of driving offenses
explained, ""my defense is
my absolute hemianopia.""
"
"facing one of those freak giant swell zones,
a ship sounds alarm with loud bell tones.
though the transmitter tower
has lost all its power,
the sailors all cling to their cell phones.
"
"did you see what befell me and festus?
we got decked by an iron-filled cestus.
now my teeth are askew,
and he's all black and blue.
that roman sure knew how to best us.
"
"in russia, they ruled autocratically.
from the kremlin, they'd dictate emphatically
what each person must do
while expelling those who
might prefer things were run democratically.
"
"the batallion continued its press
ten straight days, through the mud and the mess,
till it routed the foe.
they've got medals to show
for all of that arduousness.
"
"the great skill of the artist achieves
an illusion: the viewer perceives
where the wall used to be
a luxuriant tree,
green and foliate ? covered with leaves.
"
"i awoke with a pain in my back.
tried to rise but fell back in the sack.
""it will pass!"" was my cry.
but the doctor said my
dorsolumbar spine's all out of whack.
"
"the basin is rimmed with green mold;
the water's uncommonly cold,
but a fontal immersion
will seal your conversion.
we welcome you into the fold.
"
"the complicant wings?overlapping?
of some insects are seen to be flapping.
quite hard and unyielding,
these wings offer shielding
for beetles that might be caught napping.
"
"so exhausted, i teeter and bump
into walls. then i flop down?i flump
on my chair, soft and cushy,
and land on my tushie
(i plump on my rump like a lump).
"
"an unfortunate fellow named jess
is longing to touch and caress
the young girl of his dreams,
but she's gay, so it seems
thoughts of fondling he'll have to repress.
"
"you combine in a bottle of glass
some chlorine?a yellow-green gas?
with some iodine. grand!
it's a mixture they brand
chloriodic. i learned this in class.
"
"some cactaceae ? family name
for the cactus ? have led to my shame.
there they grew in the rut
where i fell on my butt,
which is now, like my face, all aflame.
"
"she sees dresses and dolls at age ten.
four more years pass and what you have then
is my daughter, fourteen,
hair of brown, eyes of green,
who cannot keep those eyes off young men.
"
"the fourth power in math let's explore:
it's the square of a square. at its core,
taking n timesed by n
then again and again,
we have n to the power of four.
"
"it begins at the very beginning.
a blastoderm gets the first inning,
wraps its vesicle round.
for the mom's ultrasound,
there's a trip to the womb. maybe twinning...
"
"we anodized grandmama's ring:
the aluminum needed some zing.
with acid and zapping,
the process was trapping
both strength and a colorful bling.
"
"big bad ralph had a sinister mug,
looking less like a leader than thug.
but his chieftaincy rank
he enforced with a plank,
or he bribed all the guys with a jug.
"
"when lent comes i eagerly seek
lovely cadbury eggs so unique.
ah, my soul is replete
with this milk chocolate treat.
they're ambrosia and make my knees weak.
"
"before bali i lived on a boat;
that place was a castle afloat!
(picture fathoms of deep...)
then i tried getting sleep?
bathophobia closed up my throat.
"
"it's aberrant regeneration
when nerves on the fritz get fixation.
without some correction
they'll spread like infection.
with eye nerves! well, any location.
"
"i'm making a new kind of soup.
it's for coping with brownies?the group.
take some orange liqueur,
use beef jerky to stir;
i sip ""broth"" and i don't kill the troop!
"
"when i seek to pronounce the word creek
i soon get a crick in my neek.
when talking of streams,
in some places it seems
a creek is a crick. ain't dat chic?
"
"she flew through the air with such ease,
my aerial, named on the breeze.
but as she got older
and more like a boulder,
'twas areal?ground?if you please.
"
"the acclimatizer has to be large
if we're flying out there in this barge.
i'm not good with the heat;
i'll end up like jerked meat
down on venus where devils recharge.
"
"""give us breast, it's the best!"" babes demand ?
it's their first source of food, understand.
it's warming and milky,
maternal and silky,
such a comforting mammary gland.
"
"when you get to the end of the week
and the leftovers look pretty bleak,
fry cabbage and meat,
and potatoes ? how neat!
the brits call it bubble and squeak.
"
"so, you like too much sugar on wheaties?
well, acarbose treats diabetes.
glucose level's too high?
you could take this drug. why?
'cause it slows the absorption of sweeties.
"
"the autoantibody is rotten,
all social compliance forgotten.
""mother love"" it rejects,
unlike oedipus rex:
it attacks that from which 'twas begotten.
"
"he flew his plane drunk and near dirt
when disaster he tried to avert,
but his wing hit the ground
and he spun 'round and 'round.
now he flies really high and alert.
"
"the orchestra's boss had to warn its
brass section 'bout squabbling like hornets.
he threatened to dump its
recalcitrant trumpets
and melt down its quarrelsome cornets.
"
"oh, the hills that adorn connemara
paint themselves with a purple mascara,
and in midwinter's reign,
they will show their disdain
by adopting a snow-white tiara.
"
"mccartney, you will not get far
if you take up that old bass guitar.
you need to play lead
if you want to succeed
in your dream of becoming a star.
"
"so, suppose you've got cookies and milk,
and a man of unsavory ilk
should just happen along,
scam your drink and get gone ?
that man is a swindler, or bilk.
"
"the bible presents quite a prism,
which causes a scholarly schism.
is the trinity true?
or the alternate view ?
antitrinitarianism?
"
"art critics will often berate
a drawing or painting they hate.
they'll scold and they'll yell,
""that's ugly as hell!""
they work themselves into a state.
"
"they're dough that's been looped and then boiled,
then salted or seasoned or oiled.
eat them hot or else cold,
but don't let them get old,
because bagels are easily spoiled.
"
"there was an old millionaire, beade,
who decided his fortune to cede
to an orphanage fund.
but his goodness, quite stunned,
was confronted, and lost to his greed.
"
"if you find that your life is too dry,
and you think that you'd like to be high,
don't put drugs in your head?
try ballooning instead,
and you'll soar through the great open sky.
"
"when bill made the doctrine of billiasm,
he changed the key thing about chiliasm:
""my praises i sing?
the thousand-year king
won't be jesus, but me, in this -iliasm.""
"
"i wanted some chow for my tumtum:
i asked you for chow-fun ? that's yumyum.
so what's with the bow-wow?
you've come with your chow chow?
bring dindin, not dogdom, you dumdum!
"
"in the ballroom they slowly assemble
to dance, though they're weak and they tremble:
as these dodderers stumble,
time's chains swiftly crumble,
and their youthful old selves they resemble.
"
"oh where did the chatelaine go?
lord lockhart is seeking to know.
in an amorous tease,
she's hiding, with keys
to his handcuffs, his heart, and chateau!
"
"""nine hookers you're looking to buy?
dear john, you're a decadent guy!""
said the pimp, ""have more fun?
raise your order by one,
and a decad of sluts i'll supply!""
"
"deterministically ? that's how she dances:
keeps the beat, but ignores my advances.
she's a needle that moves
in predictable grooves;
she's a poet whose feet take no chances.
"
"i'd like to remain vegetarian,
but i don't make a good doctrinarian.
yes, slaughter is cruel,
but meat makes me drool?
toss the salad and hand me the carrion!
"
"in business i've suffered a rout?
lost mansions and millions and clout.
my credit's degraded;
my prospects have faded.
once up, now i'm down and i'm out.
"
"what aeolian processes do
is quite far past the scope of ""ah-choo!""
a ten-thousand-year breeze
(not just one little sneeze)
makes a rock shine in black like a shoe!
"
"did you know that your soup's colorific?
my dear chef, let me be quite specific:
nondescript?bland and brown.
still, i scarfed it right down.
then i turned blue, green, yellow: horrific!
"
"her job's to allure the new guest
down the alure, an alley at best.
what goes on in there,
with ghosts in the air,
puts the strongest of hearts to the test.
"
"at the end of the world, as we know,
armageddon will come, the last blow.
no one will survive,
no creature alive,
'cept the roaches in nuclear snow.
"
"the albacore tuna is canned.
i look at the label and brand
for dolphin-safe nets,
'cause even my pets
think flipper for dinner's not grand.
"
"at first he was very elated.
the thrill he had felt then abated.
though his costume had wings,
when he jumped from the swings,
they flew off, and he wasn't alated.
"
"the new electrician was shocked,
and then from his boots he was knocked.
the power had arced,
which means it had sparked
and the edison jock was cold-cocked.
"
"i finished my sixth margarita;
i thought i was drinking amrita.
i was feeling immortal
as i walked through the portal,
and started to speak with a cheetah.
"
"an amtrac takes soldiers around.
on land and on sea they astound!
an amphibious charge,
dropped off from a barge,
from the water then onto the ground.
"
"a thief lives amongst us, you know.
she's with us wherever we go.
our dearest sweet girl's
more precious than pearls.
she stole both our hearts long ago.
"
"as i write yet another new verse,
i hope that it's better, not worse,
than the others before ?
some i really abhor.
if it's utterly bad, i will curse.
"
"there's a story about a young boy.
the girls he would always annoy.
he'd tease them all day,
when they came out to play.
now his only companion's a koi.
"
"he's a purist, least that's what he said,
then he sold out for airplay instead.
now his music's all pop;
it's on stations non-stop.
won't you please rip his songs from my head!
"
"this arduous task isn't quick,
to make my old limericks slick.
while it seems that in time
i achieve the right rhyme,
i know fixing the meter's the trick.
"
"in life, he accomplished his mission ?
for this was his only ambition:
he'd avoided all stops
where he'd hear from the cops,
""get down in the kneeling position!""
"
"on fridays the planes would come down
to an airpark just outside our town.
business men would return
from their weekly sojourn.
the small airport's our claim to renown.
"
"what a yummy delight is the clam,
the mollusk that's meaty, like ham.
with linguini or chowder,
the cheers just grow louder;
and emeril agrees with a ""bam!""
"
"confucius advised sage and rookie,
on topics from business to nookie,
with words here to stay
that are read every day,
whenever you open a cookie.
"
"proud father, with newborn he sired,
said, ""this baby is all i desired.
the reason is clear:
his anusless rear
means diapers will not be required.""
"
"there once was a small black-eyed pea
who cried, in a passionate plea,
""on this new year's day,
don't eat me, i pray!
it's lucky for you ? but not me.""
"
"""she's adrift!"" said the captain, aghast.
the anchor that held his boat fast
had failed, to his shock.
now he stood on the dock
and he searched, quite in vain, for his mast.
"
"agnostic folks share a proclivity
for secular christmas activity.
they'll party all day,
not bother to pray,
and prob'ly eschew the nativity.
"
"of all elementary bits,
the atom, of course, never quits.
it's the basis of stuff,
but if that's not enough,
it also goes boom when it splits.
"
"to attract is to call with persistence
to something that shows no resistance.
like a magnet to steel,
venus flytrap to meal,
or a siren to men in the distance.
"
"mr. dodge thought himself very clever,
so he planned a most artful endeavor.
he did try (or attempt)
to become tax-exempt,
but he failed. now he's locked up forever.
"
"an atoll's a small coral isle
that's been in the sea for a while.
its land has subsided,
but reefs have abided,
and arc through the sea like a smile.
"
"when you're feeling your guilt to the bone,
you must know that it's time to atone.
you find satisfaction
by taking some action,
the kind where you reap what you've sown.
"
"when the king says, ""oh please, do attend,""
then you surely don't want to offend.
you had better be there,
or you'd better beware
that you might lose your head in the end.
"
"when you're fighting a war of attrition,
you must throw away all inhibition.
then despite people's cries,
you exhaust all supplies
until nothing remains but submission.
"
"microscopic green algae, akin
to the flagellate stoneworts, have been
picked apart to the gene:
haploids blobby in mien
echo land plants' langsyne deep within.
"
"when the doctor examined the mound
a chancroidal (ick) ulcer was found.
""a syph chancre's more firm.
best we find out which germ;
might be chancroid. here's pills. don't sleep 'round.""
"
"sandbags block north dakota's edge, ugh!
minnesotans pile bags nice and snug.
where there's water, there's floods;
prairie snow's just pre-suds
zoned for fargo's spring rinse cycle. (shrug.)
"
"look,  calyceal objects are real?
say, some sepals, a renal thing's seal,
an echinoderm shelled
or some synapses held?
never husky like songsters' soft spiel.
"
"george clooney's a superstar big:
a guy men and women both dig.
like grant or mcqueen,
his charm fills the screen.
yet he sleeps with a potbellied pig?
"
"percussion is tops with will ferrell,
in country or rock or a carol.
your song will improve
should he land in your groove.
more cowbell you skip at your peril.
"
"all riddled with bullets ? a fate he
embraced with his bonnie tough lady.
at redemption, his shot
came from film.  now he's hot!
(per the fans of forever young beatty.)
"
"when code hammurabi was broken,
the punishment rarely was token,
but mostly severe,
like a hacked limb or ear
or a tongue (if your grievance was spoken).
"
"the street monster hooked on the cookie
to veggies and fruits was a rookie.
so a bet he'd go ""healthy""
made me shockingly wealthy!
(the count is a good honest bookie.)
"
"a miner who lived in a cave
had a daughter this singer did crave.
but clementine tripped,
so now there's a crypt
where she lies in her watery grave.
"
"the agency teaches clandestine
disguise; and their spies are the best in
the field.  when one poses,
you'd swear that he's moses;
but look, he's that charlatan, heston!
"
"could the guy who received no applause be
that funnyman legend bill cosby?
even he was a bust
among blacks?losing trust
when he dared to point out what their flaws be.
"
"it's often ignored by a thug:
the angel, on shoulders that shrug,
who's pitchforked (""go stick it!""),
or the guide who's a cricket
and whistles, 'til squashed like a bug.
"
"a music producer named cowell
had a tv idea most foul:
didn't need to cast wide
for a judge who was snide,
because rudeness just oozed from his bowel.
"
"through the treetops, their howls will relay.
south american monkeys are they ?
sometimes called alouatte,
if you'd like to do that.
alouatta's more common, i'd say.
"
"wouldst thou find that my aim is amiss
to ethereally reminisce?
prose with style should imply
'tis quite old. ('tis a lie.)
'twas to archaize, language like this.
"
"it affects you like pure digitalis
to view the aurora australis.
if seeking this show,
then you can't mind the snow ?
the antarctic's an icicle palace.
"
"the detection for firedamp did shine.
'twas enough to explode the whole mine.
the surveyors, perplexed,
said, ""if afterdamp's next,
can't see how that canary is fine.""
"
"when accretive, things build by addition,
like gradual silt deposition
and wives, post divorce
(despite husbands, of course,
firmly voicing their strong opposition).
"
"the word bite is to bit and to bitten
as write is to wrote and to written.
they smite you in school
with apophony's rule.
me, they smote. now with words i am smitten.
"
"he was anguished. it showed in his frown.
with his weeping, i feared he might drown.
when i asked ""it's your health?""
he said, ""no, it's my wealth....
i got screwed when the market went down.""
"
"my neurologist firmly asserts
that my alpha wave cues no alerts.
i'm awake and at rest,
and this eeg test
reads from 8 up to 13 calm hertz.
"
"leaves of aloes will heal irritation,
but aloin clears constipation.
too much of this brew
(made from aloe plants too)
calls for aloe in swift application.
"
"there are native americans who
are algonquin. more names? they've a few.
try algonkian or
there's algonkin. one more:
how's algonquian fit your canoe?
"
"i'm avenged for my injury past,
for which payback was given at last.
she'd kissed mike at the bar,
so i cracked up her car.
(she's avenged too ? my leg's in a cast.)
"
"on a date to a film, it's tradition
to take an apposing position
beside your new beau.
but i chose a new row
to avoid his desired exhibition.
"
"am i australoid? i often wonder;
it is true that i hail from down under.
but me mum is from bali
and me dad is from mali,
so to call me afrasian's no blunder.
"
"blade of stone? it's perhaps aurignacian;
its edges reveal re-creation.
its birth-date must be
30,000 bc,
and it came from a french excavation.
"
"when the lungs of a newborn need aid,
or a miner takes on a blue shade,
use an aerophore, then
both will breathe free again
with this gadget that divers had made.
"
"these are anableps (tropical fish).
call them four-eyes, if that is your wish.
they can see (this i love)
both below and above
(that's concurrently) while the fish swish.
"
"i think that it goes without saying ?
allayers provide the allaying.
they give you some balm.
with allayment comes calm.
you're allayed for a time from dismaying.
"
"aphaeretic are words such as bound,
once abound has thus dropped its lead sound.
so raccoon becomes coon,
and attune becomes tune.
underground, dropping two, becomes ground.
"
"which defines an apachean best?
it's an indian tribesman out west.
it's a tongue he might speak
or (perhaps this is chic)
a french gangster. (c'est vrai! i don't jest!)
"
"in japan, in the northernmost isles,
live the ainu. indigenous styles
include earrings and ink
and more hair than you'd think.
god's in nature ? they pray through life's trials.
"
"your stupidity's truly immense,
and you're not just a little bit dense.
when i ask what you think,
you just nod and then wink,
'cause you can't even give your two cents.
"
"his bomb was still missing some parts,
'cause he'd mainly been schooled in the arts.
""detonator!"" he cried,
and then soon after died,
when he tried to light one of his farts.
"
"since granny had but a small pension,
her teeth were not something to mention.
she used toothpicks and coppers
to shore up her choppers:
an unorthodox denture retention.
"
"the reader of this i despise.
i will curse out your name to the skies.
just don't read any more,
you insensitive boor.
if you've gotten this far, damn your eyes.
"
"devil-worship does not just mean satan.
there's a whole pand?monium waitin'.
beelzebub's fun.
and lilith's no nun?
she's the one that dick cheney's been datin'.
"
"our army has doubled in size,
right in front of our wondering eyes.
as another new perk,
they will soon get to work
in the decagon, one could surmise.
"
"when great grandpa edward was twelve,
he hid what you normally shelve.
we went to his hovel
with pickaxe and shovel,
formed teams, and then started to delve.
"
"deontologically speaking,
we're forbidden from going out streaking.
it's your most solemn duty
to cover your booty,
lest neighbors get thrills they're not seeking.
"
"if ground glass has been mixed in your tea,
or your coffee tastes oddly like pee,
then it's hard to escape
that it's not just a jape,
but deviltry, if you ask me.
"
"my math prof's a dirigent gent:
to explain a directrix, he sent
us outside with directions:
""construct conic sections...""
we lost focus on just what he meant.
"
"hairs on unicorn plants ooze a musk
that smells sharp, while the fruit forms a husk
with two horns, good to gnaw.
though some curse devil's claw,
much good's woven with elephant-tusk.
"
"now on hearing this, please do not wig.
the forficula earwigs are big
in sheer numbers but meek,
since these munchers don't seek
our pink brains, merely snacks on a sprig.
"
"our fine intellects we wouldn't foul
with fowl puns; we're as wise as an owl
about bird-hunting chaps,
long called fowlers: with traps,
arrows, dogs, or a rifle, they prowl.
"
"worshipped mercury's fallen to dust;
nay, a silvery splash. his gleam's just
a rock skirting the sun.
his divinity's done;
he's disdeified: none in him trust.
"
"in the chemosphere's fulgurant heights
ultraviolet sunlight excites
photochemical plays
within ozone's thin haze,
and electric fields spark eerie sprites.
"
"to keep score, here's what's meant by fourscore
in old lore: first you count on your poor
tippy-fingers and knuck-
les?till twenty is struck
on a tally stick?score, to times-four.
"
"tired of toothpaste? smile big and then slosh
to see yellowing teeth become posh
without powders or gel;
banish plaque with a spell
of bright dentilave: mouth-sparkling wash.
"
"in the tropics, caciques freely mock,
sing, and warble in oriole talk,
weaving nests near wasps' hives
to defend tiny lives?
red-hot mama caciques really rock!
"
"if big butts you desire to de-bone,
check out edgebone cuts, skillfully mown
from the aitchbone which hangs
in the rump, tasty tangs
all full-bodied with stern beefy tone.
"
"there once was a sharp-tongued gal, judy,
who's a star on tv, though no beauty.
this adjudi-(judge)-cator
says the losers may hate her,
but resolving disputes is her duty.
"
"there once was a climber from britain,
who found he'd packed only one mitten,
so five fingers, ten toes,
plus two ears and a nose ?
all his acral parts, they were frostbitten.
"
"in my e-mail, i found this hot tip:
""you should buy this stock now, it's blue-chip!""
but the man who'd sent spam,
and had fostered the scam,
took my money and went on a trip.
"
"the time was high noon, on the dot,
so i slathered on sunscreen ? a lot.
then i put on dark shades,
and a hat o'er my braids,
'cause the sun was so brilliantly hot.
"
"the anarchists went to the mall
and they smashed up some glass, broke a wall.
anticorporate views
were all over the news,
but political impact was small.
"
"alfalfa sprouts taste just like grass,
yet vegan folks think they're first-class.
a nice little crunch
to add to your lunch ?
a healthy, spaghetti-like mass.
"
"art therapy's something docs do
when patients are crazy or blue.
just give them some clay,
and then let them play ?
creativity's good for you, too.
"
"so, this garrulous catfish named jones
swims up to my ear and intones,
""the adipose fin,
which sticks out from my skin,
is fleshy and doesn't have bones.""
"
"just an income to pay for his wine,
and a mansion in which he can dine ?
at the end of his rope,
the poor priest held out hope
for a benefice from the divine.
"
"the ape that is called the baboon
is hairy, and sings out of tune.
he's not very tall,
his legs are quite small,
but his arms, they could reach to the moon.
"
"the chondrostei subclass swims shrewd
on strong frames of light gristle, well-hewed
(rigged by polyploid count).
on their torsos they mount
skins embossed with ridged scutes neatly glued.
"
"modest earthstars don't twinkle or blaze;
their discovery needs a keen gaze.
when you see mushrooms surge
with a stellary verge
'round balloons, heed geastrum's soft rays.
"
"much charophyta lore's of dense stamp.
but let's ask?are these algae all damp?
or were botanists snobs,
quickly classing wet blobs
as ""not land shrubs""? depends on your camp.
"
"""on your retina, mark that wee pit
called the fovea, vision's keen kit
for fine detail and hue,
dense in cones and which you . . .""
blink. sans foveae, letters just flit.
"
"sought a fountain of wit and had yens
to chuck inkwells so purchased these pens.
they blotch ink in odd fits,
then go dry like pigs' sweat tits,
and won't fill without leaks i can't cleanse.
"
"big-eyed boatbills work swamps just at night,
for these herons do best in low light;
their odd beaks (like flipped keels)
aid in scooping rushed meals
(frogs, snails, crayfish),  yet look a real fright.
"
"earn your scholarly spurs with this course:
wee impatiens, of course, lacks real force
in its flowery spur
whereas gamecocks' shivs whir;
still, say calcarate (latin's the source).
"
"beastly greek! utter -therium last
for the critter, with cheiro- well cast
for their handprints tracked myriad
(triassic in period).
voil??crocodilians past!
"
"hefty cycads of genus well-bred
make an african staple, it's said,
when their pith sours to dough.
this has played to their woe,
since good taste only gets them cut dead.
"
"cabombaceae's called water-shield;
also fanwort. fine fronds oft are reeled
by glum anglers sans fish;
green rafts strangle boats' swish
in sick lakes where cabomba's afield.
"
"on occasion, a detail can be
remembered associatively.
you might visit a place
and remember a face
that you otherwise just couldn't see.
"
"my biology teacher advises
anisogamy's sex that comprises
reproduction by fusion
(it's not an illusion)
of gametes of different sizes.
"
"a bonza thing happened today:
an ocker, 'e told me g'day.
that fair dinkum bloke,
'e winked as 'e spoke
those australianisms he'd say.
"
"their shape is like that of a pear.
their taste and their texture are rare.
avocado pears spread
like green butter on bread.
there are pits in their midst, so take care.
"
"his pasty white dermis, you see,
appears albinistic to me.
little ray never plays
out of doors. he just stays
in the house all day watching tv.
"
"you finish your singing and then,
the acroteleutic again.
its purpose is solely
to add something holy
forever and ever. amen.
"
"i've got lots of recordings to hear
with my wonderful audio gear,
like my old gramophone,
but my eardrums are blown,
so the sound isn't terribly clear.
"
"a student of scriptures would see
that ahiam's recorded to be
of the thirty so great
who breached bethlehem's gate
(2nd sam. 23:33).
"
"her handsome and dashing young suitor
spoke amatively as he wooed her.
but once she said ""yes""
to his amativeness,
he became undeniably ruder.
"
"in hokkaido the ainus all shout
that the day that the world came about
by god's wondrous hand,
he created the land
on the back of a magical trout.
"
"the team under johnny unitas
in baltimore used to excite us.
but now they're in indy
and had to go win de
darn super bowl trophy to spite us.
"
"a hot covert agent named plame
worked hard at concealing her name.
but cheney's boy libby ?
he outed her fibbie
'cause joe said, ""the cake's not to blame!""
"
"strong coffee's the choice of a sentry
(to keep him awake guarding gentry),
or a college kid (cramming),
or the empress (when damning
some boring poop, like this here entry).
"
"there's a service that's semper paratus
stopping boaters who feign, ""smuggling pot? us?""
on each watery border,
they're law and they're order
who love to hear crooks cry, ""they got us!""
"
"when somebody shot j.r. ewing,
t.v. got a change in its viewing:
the cliffhanger bummer,
with waiting all summer,
just to see if we're cheering or booing.
"
"the '60s were morally broad,
with rockin' beliefs (some quite odd).
the most darn original
came from religional
fans who wrote ""clapton is god.""
"
"when you hunt with a cheney or fudd,
a gunshot can lead to a ""thud!""
so a good agent brings
along clorox and things
to remove every trace of the blood.
"
"tom (click) and his brother ray (clack),
fix cars via phone; they've a knack!
if your auto is ""crap,"" it's
a call for the tappets'
advice (with a smart aleck crack).
"
"in the si, i always endeavor
to try first of all to be clever,
'cause humor's subjective
(it's a despot's perspective),
and the empress just might say, ""whatever.""
"
"a hanging colostomy bag
is a burden, a hindrance, a drag.
it fills up with poop
in a nasty brown soup,
but it sure makes a good potty gag!
"
"my arabian friends have been told
that pink flowers with trunk brownish gold
should be called desert rose,
but a botanist knows
it's adenium that they behold.
"
"an aardvark once said to an ant
""i'd like to abstain, but i can't,
from eating you up,
for it makes me feel ***sslup***
oh dear, didn't finish my rant.""
"
"to create the archetypical thriller,
mr. hitchcock devised that the killer
should mostly be clever
and above all should never
be played by an actor named stiller.
"
"as she hovered there over my jaw
and she said, ""open up and say 'aah',""
my dentist's assistant
had spied my persistent
attempts to catch sight of her bra.
"
"fantastic and hip-hip-hooray!
i've finished my studies today.
got me two years of knowledge
at community college ?
i'll finally get my aa!
"
"prince albert proclaimed to the queen,
""i really don't want to be seen,
but i want you, mein vicky,
so let's have a quickie
before we receive aberdeen.""
"
"he's clearly the boldest and brightest.
this diplomat's teeth are the whitest.
he's ambassador-at-large.
yes, it's he who's in charge.
of what, you ask? haven't the slightest.
"
"i know that your laundry's a chore,
and you find it a terrible bore...
but it really is gross:
it's become aggerose
(that means piled into heaps) on the floor.
"
"autogamy doesn't much need
two plants for producing a seed.
it's fertilization
by plant masturbation.
thank god that's not how people breed!
"
"an albiness is who we would see
in case an albino's a she.
her colorless skin
lacks the pigment within
and her hair is as white as can be.
"
"old akko, along acre bay,
where once did the canaanites stay,
changed hands through the ages
of history's pages.
the city's israeli today.
"
"too much sediment causes the beds
of streams to aggrade as it spreads.
this may spoil the wishes
of some of the fishes
if streams cannot cover their heads.
"
"the land amazonia hides
a nation of towering brides.
a man, in submission,
accepts this condition:
a queendom is where he resides.
"
"your honor, it wasn't my fault.
i wanted to open that vault.
had a knife in my hand
but i just hadn't planned
to commit aggravated assault.
"
"""adactyly,"" notes dr. rose,
""is the absence of fingers or toes.
it's a horrid condition,""
says the tactless physician,
""but at least your son's still got a nose.""
"
"""well, they say that the piggie went 'whee,'
when the doc chopped it off. now i see,
looking down, only nine,
but i'm feeling just fine,""
said my father, the toe-amputee.
"
"the boardsailor ran down the beach,
then checked both his luff and his leach.
he tested the wind,
and said, as he grinned,
""you can't catch me when i'm on a reach!""
"
"it's a bannock, this biscuit-like blob.
it's so tough that to chew it's a job.
there's a guy here named davy
who just dips 'em in gravy,
but the stains on his shirt! what a slob!
"
"the distraught cajun chef cried out, ""phooey!
my dishes need sausage that's chewy.
i'd load up my fork
with hot chilis and pork
if i only could find good andouille.""
"
"there is one thing that grandma enjoys:
that's a house that is chock-full of noise,
where big elephants thump,
and great dinosaurs jump ?
such a racket from two little boys!
"
"there's a vegetable sure to confuse,
for it has many names you can choose.
some say mirliton's their
word for ""vegetable pear,""
but chayote's the word that i use.
"
"when your cherished friend sits by your side,
and he stares at you, mutely, wide-eyed,
he's a friend to rely on,
a shoulder to cry on.
you can always, in teddy, confide.
"
"there's an erudite panel inviting
some high-level research in writing,
since one paper surveyed
shows a breakthrough's been made.
what a thrill! this is my work they're citing!
"
"said the millionaire, ""i'd never steal,""
but i watched as he cadged a free meal.
then he took some gal's beer,
saying, ""thanks, you're a dear.""
what a cheapskate! is this guy for real?
"
"though the squeamish find raw fish like slime,
when it's soaked in the juice of a lime
slimy flesh becomes firm.
and it makes some folks squirm,
but ceviche gets ""cooked"" over time.
"
"when the autotroph came on the run,
he cried out, ""what's for lunch, honey bun?""
so his wife said, ""my dear,
same as always, i fear:
co2, h2o, and the sun.""
"
"you amaze me, my dear mr. fox,
when you lift up that mountain of rocks.
i'm astounded and awed,
and i'm barefoot, by gawd,
for your prowess has knocked off my socks.
"
"said the convict regarding his cell,
""i won't acclimate here very well.
i will never adjust
to the damp or the dust
or the winks of my cellmate from hell.""
"
"to administrate means to deduce
how to run things and make them produce.
but when doing accounts,
be quite sure of amounts,
or investors will kick your caboose.
"
"in childhood, it's bedtime at eight,
and you dream of adulthood ? can't wait!
once you're grown, you'll be free
to stay up way past three,
but by then you won't want to. (that's fate.)
"
"with his axe-stroke held back in suspension,
he asked for the convict's attention.
""now please fix your focus
with me as the locus.""
(the rest is too gory to mention.)
"
"""what we need is a boycott campaign:
an abolishment! let's make it plain
that our brains are all cluttered,""
the poets all muttered.
""oedilf! it has made us insane.""
"
"my darling, your hair looks like rust.
it's the shade of bacterial crust,
or new mexican dirt,
or the stain in my shirt.
call it auburn? all right, if i must.
"
"as a waiter, you'll have to conclude
affability sets the right mood.
you can chit; you can chat.
people love you for that
just as long as you keep bringing food.
"
"his attire was truly absurd.
but his wife? she said nary a word.
she just packed up a box
with his pants, shirts, and socks.
now the emperor's new clothes are preferred.
"
"the sly bat had his triumph at last,
as the songs and the quips waltz'd by fast.
from the pen of young strauss,
with the style ""flying mouse"",
a delightful return to the past!
"
"the appellant respectfully states
that the lower court's ruling just grates?
they are so far from right
that the truth's out of sight.
now reverse them!  pray don't tempt the fates!
"
"from the very beginning you've seen
ab initio.  what does it mean?
when you then reach the end
you may well comprehend
""at the start"" has been lodged in your bean.
"
"o cookie!  o noblest of foods!
o lifter of many foul moods!
if oatmeal and raisin
or chocolate i'm praisin',
no thought of the waistline intrudes!
"
"the bronx is a place you might go
to watch yankees who bat, catch and throw.
but mainly we rue it?
our train rumbles through it
en route to our work or a show.
"
"a fox or a hedgehog to be?
which one of them really is me?
do i have the big view?
are my skills wide or few?
this dilemma berlin thought was key.
"
"you're into old eli; no doubt
your life will be one of great clout.
and yet what's so strange
is it's hard to arrange
to blow it, that is, to flunk out.
"
"who's heard the great sidney bechet
on his sax or his clarinet play?
through recordings, the living
hear his talent still giving
though he died on that sad day in may.
"
"a. g. bell, an inventor who would
change the world, made himself understood.
his words from one room
through the wire went zoom
out to watson who heard them.  he could!
"
"c. c. catt was a leader of note,
from a time in the past not remote.
an army she guided
with a will undivided.
their prize at the end was the vote.
"
"she resembled an a-frame in stature,
and scared him, for he had to catch her.
she went down the slide,
but her girth slowed her ride,
and the metal chute couldn't dispatch her.
"
"most adaw* in the morn, or aday.
(*that's ""to rise,"" in the old-fashioned way.)
those nocturnal, like bats,
wake anight, as do frats
to go party at ucla.
"
"a hog peanut? please let me define:
it's the common name used for a vine.
from america ? north ?
and from asia comes forth
amphicarpa, which likes to entwine.
"
"he approached her, forgetting his fear.
""you resemble auricula, dear.""
the blonde blushed in disgrace,
slapped him hard on the face,
for she thought he was mocking her ear.
"
"which auricula term will prevail?
there's the flower, the fungi, or snail.
there's the shell (not the claws)
around sea urchin jaws,
and a pouch on the heart. bids for sale!
"
"said the birdman to officer brauna,
""this cell block, it feels like a sauna.
i'm here a long time,
but these birds did no crime.
why the lockdown to clean avifauna?""
"
"atelectasis seizes your chest
when alveoli can't do their best.
it's your lungs that collapse,
which will kill you, perhaps,
so a doctor is what i suggest.
"
"if you ever ask joe from des moines,
""can you tell me what states you adjoin?""
he'll say first, ""minnesota,""
and then, ""south dakota.""
for more, you must slip him a coin.
"
"if you alphabetize, it's a duty
for frutti to come before tutti.
list words, if you please,
by their a's, b's, then c's.
at least age will still come before beauty.
"
"the descartes devotee had a hissy
while watching a flick called sweet missy.
he'd gone there to see
axes x, y, and z,
for he'd thought ""double x"" meant abscissae.
"
"to say azure means blue would be right.
it's the color of sapphire light,
like a sky-lit lagoon,
an occasional moon,
or your arm when a tourniquet's tight.
"
"to the saucy young maid, the man said,
""come alongst, let us thither to bed.""
""art thou longst?"" she didst say,
but then cried in dismay,
""ah! methinks just a nail there instead.""
"
"apprehensively into the room
she flew on her magical broom.
she was frightened, it's true,
'cause her lizard's-eye stew
in her cauldron had just gone ""kaboom!""
"
"while attempting to swim like a duck,
she got stuck in alluvial muck.
she could not break away
from the sticky, black clay,
but she'll fossilize great, with some luck.
"
"at the party she meets a young stud,
but he's playing charades like a dud.
his amimia's odd,
and despite his great bod,
he does mime like a stick in the mud.
"
"weeping willow and poplar and beech
all have flowers high up ? out of reach.
floral clusters appear
in the shape of a spear.
when they sprout, ""amentaceous,"" i screech.
"
"my profs used to claim, ""it ain't in
dictionaries,"" and they'd always win.
but ain't is there now.
webster'd so have a cow
at the words we can now find therein!
"
"do you think ailuropodas cute?
bet you do if you're really astute.
these black and white ""bears,""
which china now shares,
cause tourists to part with their loot.
"
"though the agency's funding is high,
opposition refuses to die.
when our tax money goes
for a major's wife's nose,
many others are hung out to dry.
"
"some advice for you wannabe actors:
just forget insecurity factors;
when you're up on the stage
and become all the rage,
you will still have a lot of detractors.
"
"our home was our biggest acquest.
the same can't be said of our guest.
while we saved all that money,
he wed a rich honey
who'd inherited all they possessed.
"
"the priest was so dapper that day,
the eyes of his flock in his sway,
his amice a sight,
with fringe and all white.
(or was it that brand new toupee?)
"
"there he goes in his brand new toyota
to the townships of south minnesota.
he's allotted, this day,
some birds made from clay,
and of these he will shoot his full quota.
"
"she said, ""are you sorry?""  i'm not.
then she gave me that look and cried, ""what?!?""
i'll apologize, dear,
and be most sincere.
but sorry's for golf rounds i've shot.
"
"your friendship has always been key.
for that, i now call you amy.
chaucer's words, i'll revive
though i doubt they'll survive
and i'll write them all down for a fee.
"
"allotropic base forms, i contend,
make charcoal the girls' dearest friend
because carbon's the basis
for smiles on their faces,
and a diamond's just coal in the end.
"
"susan b. must be counted a giant,
holding firm to her views, noncompliant.
she voted but once.
the judge was a dunce;
her speech was bold, brief and defiant.
"
"an aqueduct's built to convey
the rainfall that fell far away.
whether raised up on high,
or unseen by the eye,
the water flows through, come what may.
"
"here's what befell cassius clay:
the man took his title away.
to wage war he refused
and he thus stood accused
of default to america's way.
"
"how odd is this construct called race,
a marker that's worn on one's face,
except when it's not
and one picks one's own spot?
a mysterious, self-defined place.
"
"the bear wasn't where he should be.
in my yard, he was stuck in a tree.
the deputy's dart
struck old bruin.  they cart-
ed him off to the wild to stay free.
"
"a director? no, he's just a grad
of a film school. what chances he's had
to helm a great oeuvre
have been marked on a curve?
got an ""a"" but still horribly bad.
"
"an able reformer, ms. blatch?
mother's zeal she endeavored to match.
with new york in the lead,
women voters were freed,
and the right of the ballot they'd catch.
"
"there's a bird that is totally black
with a chattering noise-making knack.
at the start of day's light
coming just after night,
it puts chances of sleeping off track.
"
"it's not only the words that are cross
when the clues leave her wits at a loss.
watch her crumple the page
and storm off in a rage,
as the puzzle shows just who is boss.
"
"to our capital's where you may go
for the best that our nation can show:
from museum displays
to a statue's stone gaze,
and reminders of glory and woe.
"
"so italians take over the jeep?
guess our ""acme car co."" went to sleep.
chrysler's not very spiff;
it's gone over a cliff.
like that fast bird would say, guys, ""beep beep.""
"
"this is all mush and milk, if you please!
a slight puff, not a really stiff breeze!
with constant reworking,
and picking, and clerking,
it's bland?my once strong, stinky cheese!
"
"malcolm's parties are such a great show;
every detail must be ""comme il faut.""
famous chefs, a-list stars,
ranks of limousine cars?
so they'll all be impressed with his dough.
"
"""they're blocked funds and you can't get them free
of red tape,"" said the teller to me.
""bringing cash, i'm afraid,
to the states is delayed
when the funds were obtained oversea.""
"
"the nerves in the body work well
for making you run, walk or smell.
but an acritan can't
do much more than a plant,
since it hasn't a single nerve cell.
"
"an unfortunate victim of theft
doubtless hasn't a single cent left.
no nickels or dimes?
these uncivilized crimes
have left him, of coinage, bereft.
"
"while walking the woods, i once heard
the mellifluous song of a bird.
its canorous expression
left quite the impression,
as did... (what's that ""excrement"" word?)
"
"if you've ever played doom, you're in luck?
it's the best fps for your buck.
to advance through the levels,
blast zombies, imps, devils,
cacodemons while running amuck!
"
"i'm a camper of utmost devotion,
but this outing's just too much commotion.
the mosquitoes are brutal,
repellent is futile?
i'd kill for some calamine lotion!
"
"a scientist once said to me,
""the mixing of ocean debris
is bioturbation,
or sand agitation
by creatures who live in the sea.""
"
"the wrights had both courage and flair!
they equipped their new craft with two pair
of wings. would it fly,
or their dreams simply die
with this flyer not lighter than air?
"
"if your company's making a go
at buying another, just blow
away competition,
make this a condition:
your bank cannot finance your foe.
"
"a king may, to someone beneath
him in rank or in stature, bequeath
his gold or his land
or his fair daughter's hand
(which sure beats a kick in the teeth).
"
"if to good old caffeine you're addicted,
your behaviour can thus be depicted:
you are jumpy and mean
till you get some caffeine,
and no more with distress you're afflicted.
"
"an academician named marty
wore a cellophane suit to a party.
his girlfriend, on sight,
quickly started a fight.
other ladies, though, thought it was arty.
"
"an old chemist explained, with a wink,
""cetyl alcohol's solid, i think.
and so people can choose
to buy edible booze,
when religion forbids them to drink.""
"
"if you want to become chauvinistic,
then your views will be pretty simplistic:
to your countrymen you
should be faithful and true;
towards others you must be sadistic.
"
"all americans live in a smother
of ""be nice, every man is your brother.""
when fed up, they resort
to their national sport,
which is suing the pants off each other.
"
"said an internet censor named spencer,
""i will purge this foul-language dispenser!""
so he started one night,
but halfway through this site
he burned out his morality sensor.
"
"said a cheese-making master, herr kessel,
""when you're making some cheese, you don't wrestle.
no bare-handed squeeze
will make a good cheese;
you need to squeeze cheese in a chessel.""
"
"we asked parsimonious yentas
to float us some cash, which they lent us.
but the loan was no fun:
it amounted to one
lithuanian penny, a centas.
"
"a mortician who lived in revere,
when he wanted some cerecloth to cere,
didn't stop in his tracks
if he ran out of wax:
he just used what he found in his ear.
"
"an ad by a clever old lion
was run by all papers in zion:
""in response to this ad,
please come over when sad,
or in need of a shoulder to cry on.""
"
"i acknowledge, dear sir, your tenaciousness,
but i doubt very much your veraciousness.
your point, i'm afraid,
though insistently made,
shows your penchant for flat-out fallaciousness.
"
"""don't defy my executive order,""
said the wolf to her husband, a hoarder.
""get rid of your stuff
or i'll huff and i'll puff
and i'll blow it right over the border!""
"
"a grammarian full of abstersiveness
induces not faith, but subversiveness.
omit needless words?
no, i'll use them, in herds!
flouting strunk, i'll increase my excursiveness.
"
"like beauty?  then study esthetics.
i don't mean some greek guy's poetics.
i'm speaking of skin,
since that zit on your chin
is desperately seeking cosmetics!
"
"evanescence is hard to define;
its meaning i cannot divine.
first i think i have got it,
but then i can't spot it:
it's gone, like the beer in my stein.
"
"no one likes it when ""love"" turns to ""hate.""
that's why error correction is great:
keeps the zeros intact
(and the ones too, in fact)
so your message won't piss off your date.
"
"she opened my palate, my date.
these flavors i'm tasting so late!
not christian, not jewish?
to me it was newish,
the ""ethnic"" cuisine that we ate.
"
"there once was a fellow named imric
whose welsh was as bad as his cymric:
at the greeting ""shw mae?""
he blushed and said, ""bye!
i don't get what's been said in this limerick!""
"
"when she left me, i felt a great void,
so i bought a new smartphone, a droid.
would it cook, make the bed?
i beseeched it. it said,
""not right now!"" and it sounded annoyed.
"
"not finding it very consumerable,
i challenged the concept denumerable.
real numbers, not counted?
""objection!"" i mounted.
she flunked me?my teacher's not humorable.
"
"what magic conspires to draw me
to this rich danish pastry before me?
its currants and icing
appear so enticing ?
""oh, eat me!"" i hear it implore me.
"
"in a primitive crann?g there dwelt
a puzzled first century celt.
he was cosy and dry
when the snow piled up high
but got damp when it started to melt.
"
"at amsterdam airport, the lack
of forethought caused seamus some flak.
""your visit, you've stated,
is business related?""
""oh no, i'm just here for the craic.""
"
"there once was an old basket maker
who made baskets upon his half-acre.
he wove every reed
very slowly indeed?
he was hardly a mover and shaker.
"
"drake's circum- (""around"") navigation
in england caused great consternation.
flat earthists suspected
the tale was injected
with ""facts"" that were frank's own creation.
"
"clotted cream, it's alleged, has been spotted
on grocery shelves, firmly potted.
it's the true taste of heaven
when served fresh in devon,
but in pots on the shelves? ah, get knotted!
"
"my wife and i once had a go at
attempting to learn to speak croat.
but that fast balkan tongue
should be learned when one's young?
it was something that we were too slow at.
"
"up above, where the stars are all clustered,
shining forth in the dark, brightly lustred,
they are sprinkled like dust
on a black velvet crust,
or white pepper adorning black custard.
"
"a lecherous north wales druid
ran amok in the county of clwyd.
the birth rate increased
and, in fact, only ceased
when he used up his bodily fluid.
"
"'twas not his twice daily carafe o' dill
that rendered the poor earl of stafford ill.
""the wrong plant was crushed,""
the earl's pharmacist gushed.
""oh, what laxative powers has the daffodil!""
"
"there was an old herald named stentor,
who wanted to woo a she-centaur.
but alas, their anat-
omies so differed that
among stallions he looked for a mentor.
"
"when asked about carons, the doorman
of a cinema said, ""you're a bore, man.
if you want to know where,
the director of hair
has the h??ek right there: milo? forman.""
"
"a hat-maker, monsieur fran?ois,
made a strange-looking hat for his pa.
when asked ""what is that?"",
""it's a three-cornered hat,""
he said, ""known by the name chapeau-bras.""
"
"on his birthday, king henry the 1st,
after eating some cajun-spiced wurst,
said, ""we thought for a 2nd
it was juicy; we reckoned
we would eat it to lower our 3st.""
"
"a bankrupt store-owner named bevan
had died and was taken to heaven,
but his heirs didn't stop;
they re-opened the shop,
which they named ""chapter 7-11"".
"
"a young popsicle maker, named bert,
was determined his death to avert.
when he tried a deep-freeze,
he found out, and with ease,
it's as sure as a tax: it's a cert.
"
"when you want to grow veggies for chow-chow,
use a cow-plough instead of a frau-plough.
if you don't, then your frau
might instruct you on how
to respect her, and leave with a ""ciao, ciao!"".
"
"if you ask me about chamonix,
it's the place where you'll cherish to bix:
in the alps you can hike,
go downhill on your bike,
you can paraglide, bobsleigh or skix.
"
"a young man from a land that is ?s
had a date, but he handled it mis.
the poor gent was too strin,
and his action was in,
which is why his appointment was dis.
"
"at a concert, an old choirmaster
was heading for total disaster:
he was stung by a bee,
and his choir, with glee,
at his gestures, sang faster and faster.
"
"the dulcet, sweet tones of the lyre,
oh afer, play on with desire!
wind from the southwest
plays through harp strings the best,
and keeps smells of the sheep on the shire.
"
"young dorothy's legs were quite sore.
all those plant spikes left cuts by the score.
she looked down where she trod,
and said: ""toto, thank god!
we're not in acanthus no more.""
"
"a dust speck, impairing my vision,
caused an ill-advised steering decision.
i averted the pier.
the ship's shape wasn't clear.
her aft and i had our allision.
"
"buttered fly-wings are best on wet toast,
pyra-mids of blue eyelash's ghost.
a vampire batter,
a mad stetson hatter:
abstractionism sings like a roa5st.*
"
"""there's summat real wrong!"" said old gus.
i didn't quite get all the fuss.
he was wispy. i thought he
said ""...ain't got nobody.""
asomatous, dateless, dead cuss.
"
"an adeniform mass, when it's scanned,
looks closely akin to a gland.
something digitate, though,
can look just like a toe
or those things sticking out of your hand.
"
"i intend, first, to write you a story.
i'm hoping to make it quite gory.
but hidden inside
i'll add frankenstein's bride.
that'll make my poor tale additory.
"
"the agricultor needed some water.
""gotta grow some top crops, so i oughtter
get off of my rail
and get me a pail.""
now, the tale of the old farmer's daughter...
"
"averbal exchange is sans words,
like the warning grunts made in some herds.
when i stepped on the gerbil,
the shrieks we made ? terrbil!
or the songs of the whales and the birds.
"
"fortune's wheel had so blessed patrick's trowel:
finding silver within the earth's bowel.
he insisted i swear
his find never to share.
""oh yes, pat, i will, by avowal!""
"
"though some think my accent is quaint
and others find cause for complaint,
for me it's quite clear
and distinct to my ear
that my aunt's not an ant ? no, she ain't!
"
"""i'm not balding!"" my father once said.
""there's still hair growing thick on my head.
it is just that my mop
has escaped from the top ?
i've a surfeit of ear hair instead.""
"
"in the chilterns, the bodgers would rarely
bodge a job ? if they did it was barely.
(they made chairlegs of beech,
and i'm certain that each
bodger checked that they all would fit squarely.)
"
"minor criminal, brain, basket case,
met spoiled princess, and jock in disgrace.
detention was meant
to make them repent.
the breakfast club's where they embrace.
"
"the lasses were gannin' 'boot toon,
fit to chowk and so seekin' oot broon.
the boozah wez stowed
so they sat in the road
wi' some brews and they drank them aal doon.
"
"a local with whom you would tryst'll
deride you for calling it bristol.
you might get a kiss
for pronouncing it briss
-le. the accent's a long way from crystal.
"
"my butler will not deign to speak
to non-speakers of latin or greek.
while fashions distress him,
the classics impress him.
their readers are part of his clique.
"
"a limerick's defective if you
choose to stop when you finish line two.
"
"i conglobulate boogers with ease,
then flick them wherever i please.
i know it sounds gross,
but it doesn't come close
to what happens whenever i sneeze.
"
"while blackjack is certainly cheatable,
you'll find the casinos unbeatable.
if you're caught counting cards,
they will call in the guards.
but your injuries all will be treatable.
"
"a credit derivative play
is a bet whether debtors will pay.
it started with millions,
ballooned into trillions,
and then all the banks went away.
"
"there once was a woman named doyle
who loved to take baths in hot oil.
her deep-fried complexion
was browned to perfection,
with nary a blemish or boil.
"
"a death bed's the bed where you die.
while waiting to go, there you lie.
your loved ones will show,
because all of them know
they'll be getting a piece of your pie.
"
"when the man came with liquor, he'd quiver.
when the beer truck arrived, he would shiver.
while it's nice you can choose
how you're getting your booze,
it can sure take a toll on deliver.
"
"i think contact metamorphism's hot.
it turns rocks into something they're not.
magma squirts through a hole
that they call aureole.
it's a lot like our nostrils and snot.
"
"our deceivable president bush
has his brains where most people have tush.
he spent loads in iraq
which we're not getting back.
if he doesn't resign, we should push.
"
"for you knitters who're tempted to squabble
over what constitutes a good bobble:
if it's put on a hat,
the size must be that
which won't cause the poor wearer to wobble.
"
"please excuse me, as i now divulge
just why i don't like to indulge
in cake, sweets or booze.
i really must lose
flab that's causing my stomach to bulge.
"
"dashing rake drove his buggies with force.
great-great-granddaughter's calmer, of course.
her baby will ride
in a buggy with pride,
though propelled by his mum, not a horse.
"
"busman's holiday: that's what they say
when your work is mixed up with your play.
doc watches er,
the valet cleans the car.
same tasks as your job ? but no pay.
"
"my son thinks i'm terribly dotty
for seeming obsessed with his botty.
it won't half make me happy
to leave off the nappy ?
it really is time for the potty.
"
"there's a small chap who likes to play rugger,
and jostle the scrum, hugger-mugger.
he could well break his neck
but he thinks, ""what the heck!""
he's a brave ? or insane ? little bugger.
"
"buffet etiquette's often quite tough. it
is not 'done' to jostle and buffet.
don't rush for the table,
and if you are able
load your dinner plate lightly, don't stuff it.
"
"a budgie's a 'good cockatoo',
tiny bird in green, yellow, or blue.
it is pretty and neat,
and it might make good meat,
though for stew, one or two'd be too few.
"
"i tried to woo sweet little maisy
with some buttercups, clover, a daisy ?
made into a chain ?
but the gift caused some pain,
as the blooms made her hay-fever crazy.
"
"i had a huge problem at work.
my boss would harass me, the jerk!
he's gaining enjoyment
from my unemployment,
but acas will wipe off his smirk.
"
"abundance means 'plenty'. of buns?
yes, of buns, or koalas, or puns.
a bun dance is run
for cakes to have fun!
(there's an ample supply of such ones.)
"
"there's the osprey, the honey, the moor;
then the town prefixed leighton (obscure).
buteo is the bird,
and buzzard's the word.
types of falcon ? they're varied, for sure.
"
"in america ""boo-ee"" is said,
but it's ""boy"" in the uk instead.
whatever it oughtta
be, fall in the water ?
you'll grab any buoy near your head.
"
"bathing baby is good for a laugh ?
put in water and foam, half and half.
soon the bubbles are smeared
on his chin, as a beard.
hear the giggles! he loves ""buggle bahf!""
"
"when you're taking a colourized tour,
one part of the spectrum is sure:
if cold, you turn blue!
moldy cheeses do too!
though a blue cheese has azure allure.
"
"as i bailed out my great uncle vickers,
amid laughter and various snickers,
he showed one cop, joe,
aspects anti- and pro-
of dancing in lace bra and knickers.
"
"your throat muscles' primary mission
ain't physics or nuclear fission.
it's death that will follow
if one cannot swallow...
a hideous thing, aglutition.
"
"his birthday, he said, was just great.
(our nameless son proudly turned eight.)
he was heard to proclaim:
""you must give me a name!
you must,"" he said, ""agnominate!""
"
"it's not what the 'gator is doing,
or the swimmers and fish he's pursuing.
if you're bit you may die.
alligate means ""to tie""?
no one tied up the 'gator, i'm suing.
"
"this language can take many stances,
with delicate form as it dances.
i'll tell you this, sir:
if one ends verbs with -er,
advancer means one who advances.
"
"caught my eye with its twinkle and sheen;
a gem in the rough, i had seen.
i snatched it up quickly
to my pocket, real slickly.
but aventurine's not worth a bean.
"
"while practicing autohypnosis
i stare, really hard, where my nose is.
'round the town will i dance,
in my self-induced trance,
'til the officer hands me my clothes-es.
"
"once there were three little kittens
who were given three pairs of new mittens.
""if your mits you amit,
in the corner you'll sit,""
mother said; and right there they're still sittins'.
"
"here's the tale of acetophenetidin:
once popular, now you can't get a tin.
for pain overall,
its fate hit a wall:
it damaged the kidneys that let it in.
"
"from the states, all alone, feeling scared,
i got off of a plane in cape verde.
living life on this rock
was a huge culture shock?
the two countries just can't be compared.
"
"if you're spending a week in granada,
and you feel like a baked enchilada
since the sun is so hot,
just be grateful you're not
in the beastlier heat of nevada.
"
"i thought it had passed. it's returning?
the itching and scratching and yearning
for some lotion to ease
this here dartrous disease
and to save my poor skin from this burning!
"
"some kids had a tutor from crete,
a bodach with teachings effete.
""we can't take any more
of this blithering bore!""
cried his pupils in utter defeat.
"
"to a warm place i go on vacation,
where i bask on the beach in elation.
an actinogram shows
how, relaxed in repose,
i am burnt by the sun's radiation.
"
"""why this room is a mess! what a sty!""
said the mom to her son with a sigh.
""ah mom, quit your carping,
stop constantly harping!
i like it this way. now, goodbye.""
"
"learn your latin and you could deduce
what bisulcate implies, and its use.
it means having two grooves,
or a mammal with hooves
that are cloven in twain, like a moose.
"
"one night i was tossing and turning
and awoke with my stomach a'churning.
i called my physician.
he said, ""your condition
is acor?that's causing the burning.""
"
"my city's become rather rotten
what with gangs always schemin' and plottin'.
forget being scenic,
it's more... crimogenic?
breeding bandits with booty ill-gotten.
"
"""what's that stench?"" asked my boss with a glare.
""well, i'll tell you,"" i said in despair.
""this morning i brushed,
but since i was rushed,
skipped my teeth and went straight for the hair!""
"
"the davy lamp, housed behind glass,
burned blue in the presence of gas.
this welcome recruit
gave canaries the boot
and saved many a coalminer's ass.
"
"the laundrymaid took the bed linen ?
""eatin' choc'late in bed?"" she said, grinnin'.
but then came the smell
and she let out a yell,
""it's a stable that they should've bin in!""
"
"when a cow in wisconsin became a bull,
the owner thought this might be claimable.
but the courts will decide
if the last owner lied,
or whether it's god who is blamable.
"
"in europe's dark past, the black plague
killed millions from cork to the hague.
white-faced, swollen-gummed,
the victims succumbed,
though some of them just became vague.
"
"oh, pity the poor daddy-longlegs,
an insect with not-very-strong legs.
they'd better support 'er
if they were much shorter ?
perhaps she was given the wrong legs?
"
"a woodsman remarked directorially,
""i request that my grave's marked arboreally,
with four lonesome pine
to stand guard o'er my shrine.""
when he died, they were planted memorially.
"
"a blood clot is prayed for (obtusely)
when someone is bleeding profusely.
but when bleeding has stopped,
the prayer should be dropped,
for blood, when inside, should flow loosely.
"
"the danube, that deep, brooding river,
springs forth where the alpine goats shiver.
to the black sea it wanders,
and languidly ponders
the secret it has to deliver.
"
"a property agent was selling
a ""compact"" and ""bijou"" cliff dwelling.
constructed of granite,
one tenant (a gannet),
the reasons to buy were compelling.
"
"christianity's message was written
to stop people biting when bitten.
but though the idea
worked well in judaea,
i'm still gonna smite when i'm smitten.
"
"if you want to get 'warts' from a 'straw'
then inversion's the requisite law
456, 654;
roy-g-biv, vib-g-yor?
they're backwards with nary a walf!
"
"i think i should get a new flag;
this large one is starting to sag.
a bandrol is little,
and that means that it'll
fit snugly inside of my bag!
"
"an apogeotropic leaf's skill
is to point itself up from the hill
in which the plant's planted.
don't take it for granted?
most leaves obey gravity's will.
"
"if the air has been spreading disease,
the guy who will not even wheeze
will be mr. elastic.
with cells antiblastic,
he needn't pay doctors' high fees.
"
"oh those baobabs are wonderful trees!
you can hug their thick trunks if you please.
their edible fruit
has a hard orange suit
and a pulp that cures ailments with ease.
"
"the azoic (before life began)
was a time much less interesting than
when the birth of mankind
made the earth unrefined,
and the anthropozoic began.
"
"my bones give my body a frame.
to the world i will proudly proclaim:
""autoskeletons rule,
but a shell sure ain't cool?
exoskeletons simply are lame!""
"
"those antibasilican folk
think that monarchy's all a big joke.
a king or a queen
are, to us, both routine,
but to those folk, completely baroque.
"
"there once was an auriform mouse
who waltzed all around his old house.
though he looked like an ear,
he no longer could hear,
and missed listening to music by strauss.
"
"bavarian cream is real yummy,
rich custard that shouldn't be gummy.
it's gelatin-set,
and i'm willing to bet
it will feel very good in your tummy.
"
"a buffer can counter a trace
of alkali (a.k.a. base).
acid and it
both readily fit
in antalkali's neutral embrace.
"
"whether pinecones, or branches, or sap,
or the paper that's used in a map
that can guide you with ease
through a forest of trees?
naming arborous things is a snap!
"
"if there isn't a hole in the ground,
and your cellar just cannot be found,
unless there's illusion,
i'd say the conclusion
""you're basementless"" likely is sound.
"
"after a but ahead of the rest,
it's still a good mark on a test.
though it's just second place,
a b is still ace,
for without it we can't have ""the best""!
"
"to study linguistic noun classes,
go mingle with african masses.
bantu speakers respond
with genders beyond
your typical chappies and lasses.
"
"drunken jane had a thing for hard cider,
'til she fell for the fella beside her.
with her overtures spurned,
jane's bad habits returned.
she'd become what you'd call a backslider.
"
"to idolize may be a sin,
but shakespearean plays make me grin.
idolatry? nein!
but bardolatry's fine,
and heaven may still let me in.
"
"my friend joe punched his dog in the spine
and then hid at the top of a pine.
the dog thought it was me
and barked up the wrong tree,
so now joseph's an ex-friend of mine!
"
"some lawyers cause lexical strife;
with jargon, their business is rife.
take baron and feme?
it's used only by them,
while most others say  husband and wife.
"
"though each of them has but one cell,
a bacterium's growth can be hell.
to inhibit this spreading,
use chemical bedding:
bacteriostasis is swell.
"
"aerophobia is not fear of flying;
it's wind that these phobics find trying.
just a gust or a breeze
makes them weak in the knees?
a typhoon would leave most of them crying.
"
"a fearsome young squire named jack
held a shield with two hares back to back.
""if by chance i'm unhorsed,
look for bunnies addorsed,
and you'll find me nearby 'neath the stack.""
"
"st. nick has a girth quite phenomenal.
he's rotund in the region abdominal.
he's got a huge belly
that shakes just like jelly.
his attempts to slim down have been nominal.
"
"an admeasurement just means a measure
of things divvied up at your leisure:
the number, dimension,
or shares in contention,
for folks who find counting a pleasure.
"
"agrologists study the soil
upon which agronomists toil.
they recommend seeds,
fertilizers and feeds,
and the best ways diseases to foil.
"
"abducent means ""turning away,""
as in one way your muscles all play.
they help you to switch,
tie a knot or a hitch,
or drive horses a-pulling a sleigh.
"
"the body that's quite adipose
can cause a response lachrymose
from most teenage girls
when trying their twirls
wearing clothing revealing and close.
"
"an ablutophobe doesn't get dates
very often, because likely mates
prefer that their spouses
don't stink up their houses.
what bathos this bath fear creates!
"
"my afghans have fuzz but no fur.
i knit them from wool, that's for sure.
they wrap 'round my knees,
and they keep out the breeze.
when you're cold, they're a warm, cozy cure.
"
"""arr!  how ye admeasure our treasure,""
the pirate snarled, ""ain't a great pleasure.
now, watch:  i'll combine
yer vast portion with mine,
then i'll blow the whole lot at me leisure!""
"
"poor fido was sadly untutored
in keeping himself well accoutered.
""i've got what i need
to get busy and breed,""
he declared.  then his folks had him neutered.
"
"it won't win our trust, necessarily,
to brush off unpleasantness airily.
that tone, though it's breezy,
may leave us uneasy,
for wise is the one who treads warily.
"
"my brilliant speech met its abruption
because of an ill-timed disruption.
i'd much more to say,
yet the crowd ran away
from a trifling volcanic eruption.
"
"the alchemist shouted, ""my friend!
bring a torch!  we must forthwith accend
this alchemical brew,
though just what it will do,
when ignited, the signs don't portend.""
"
"my friend byron the biometrician
makes biostatistics his mission.
he counts all the cells
in his alginate gels,
and, with data, stamps out supposition.
"
"thanks to carbon dioxide, my dear,
plain white wine turns all sparkly with cheer.
you may think it's just gas;
au contraire, it lends class.
hoist your bubbly; let's toast the new year!
"
"norbert's methods in pure bubbleology
might better employ deontology,
for he's drunk his lab dry
of its bubbly supply?
now his colleagues demand an apology.
"
"when bubbles abound, it's hypnotic:
all boiling and bouncing?chaotic.
these spheres of gas fly
both through liquid and sky
in patterns both droll and quixotic.
"
"a self-satisfied newsman named blair
dismissed facts with his nose in the air,
thought tornados a joke,
blew them off, had a smoke.
oh, his breeziness gave us a scare.
"
"think i'm buck-passing? no, i am not.
when you smooched me, i fumbled the pot!
calimari was dinner;
tonight we'll be thinner:
squid's split?eat your beans while they're hot!
"
"acidimetric equipment can show
us the strength of an acid, just so,
with a measure exact
that is based on hard fact,
so we don't need no litmus no mo'.
"
"that starbursting bloomer, boltonia,
will cheer even those with pneumonia;
though false as an aster,
it's true it spreads faster
than granny's old waxy begonia.
"
"afropavo congensis looks great.
this congolese peafowl will mate
with plumes that are splashy
and color that's flashy:
she's always dressed up for a date.
"
"the language we call ambonese
is really a group, if you please,
of odd words austronesian,
which aren't micronesian ?
the ambons are indionese.
"
"when using abjure and adjure,
the speaker must really be sure
of the word that means ""oath"";
is it either, or both?
ab's away and ad's toward, i aver.
"
"there once was a fellow named sam
who proposed via radiogram.
said his girl, ""that's quite nice,
dear, but if you want rice,
bend your knee here by me, not by ham.""
"
"amboina's a very nice tree
with a wood that's quite curly, you see,
and a town, i have found,
(indonesian) renowned
for its struggles to keep itself free.
"
"amantadine drugs are the way
that we keep certain viri at bay.
ailments quickly abate
when this drug lies in wait,
in particular flu that's type a.
"
"artiodactylous creatures
were clearly explained by my teachers:
they're ungulate mammals,
like cows, pigs and camels,
and others with even-toed features.
"
"a verse called an abecedarius
begins every line with the various
consecutive letters.
demanding, these fetters
encumber?it's rarely hilarious.
"
"abelmoschus has leaves wide and green,
and a flower that's easily seen
because it's bright yellow
(a colorful fellow!).
its taste, though, is sour and mean.
"
"ad astra per aspera, boys!
(as you play with your really loud toys).
yes, that is a rocket
you've got in your pocket.
so light it! it makes lots of noise.
"
"you are mine! little lamb, my dear heart;
when you go i am lost, let's not part!
o, agnus, my dear,
you have nothing to fear;
but without you, my dinner can't start!
"
"acaudate means tailless, poor me!
for i can't swish a fly or a flea;
i'm a mangy manx cat,
and my shape's not 'all that'.
we're inbred?mates cut off by the sea.
"
"i am filling this space with a blank
since the piece that was here really stank.
i will come back real soon
by the light of the moon
and create one that others will rank.
"
"prefix acet- plus um makes a sauce
to be put on your food, and of course
while it's tasty on fries
(spends a lifetime on thighs),
it can soak you with acid remorse.
"
"she may be a silver-haired worker,
but at work she is never a shirker.
and the a d e act
makes her stronger, that's fact!
and no bias is likely to irk her.
"
"they say i like swinging the lead,
but that's not why i linger in bed:
i'm conserving my strength
to review at great length
war and peace?and it's not even read!
"
"my ancestors liked to take shots
of nieces and nephews, and pots!
they all liked the tint
of an albumen print...
""so whose turn to shoot? let's draw lots!""
"
"when distilling for absolute oil
there is no need for drilling in soil.
it's essential, you see,
for the oil to flow free?
from the concrete where molecules coil.
"
"back when i was a kid we played pong.
it was first, but it wouldn't reign long.
our atari was neat,
but it couldn't compete
when nintendo released donkey kong.
"
"there's a barrier between blood and brain
semi-permeable, helping restrain
stuff that isn't legit
(or that simply won't fit),
but it doesn't inhibit cocaine.
"
"my dear john, i am sure you'll agree
that my letter looks nice as can be.
well, you're dumped, i won't josh,
but with so much panache,
'cause i used autoformat, you see!
"
"tonight i was in the jacuzzi
just listening to jazz, slow and bluesy.
my thinking grew wistful,
i drank by the fistful,
and now i feel soggy and woozy.
"
"my six-year-old son's a bed wetter,
and nothing i do makes it better.
i've been charging him fees
every time that he pees,
so now he's a six-year-old debtor.
"
"a bibulous woman was she,
who wouldn't stop drinking chablis.
when she started to spew,
it was then that she knew
that she should have been totaling tea.
"
"you can order it in a caf?,
but a much more enjoyable way
is to fix it yourself
if you've got on your shelf
your own blowtorch to make cr?me br?l?e.
"
"his elbows are constantly flickin'
and his feet are perpetually kickin'.
with my bedmate i fight
as i'm turning all night
just like a rotisserie chicken.
"
"your man's conduct needs modification?
b. f. skinner can ease your frustration.
when he's good: ""here's a cookie.""
if not: ""no more nookie.""
behaviorism: that's your salvation!
"
"i'm ashamed, both with guilt and remorse,
for the things that i've done with a horse.
and you should blush too
for watching it through.
you're a vet, i'm a filly of course.
"
"miss muffet, that tuffeted lass,
can't bluff it, with nerves made of glass.
her arachnophobia,
really, can so be a
pain, if a spider should pass.
"
"averse: if not one word but two,
has dissimilar sense, you'll construe.
all one's ""disinclined""
while two's ""rhyme refined"".
i loathe the confusion, don't you?
"
"may you live on for ten thousand years,
shouting ""banzai!"" without need for tears.
and no nasty surprises
when e'er the sun rises ?
you've conquered each one of your fears.
"
"sail a boat round tahiti one night,
curving close to the shore and you might
run aground on some coral;
giving rise to the moral
that your barque may be worse for the bight.
"
"if yellowish fruit is your bent,
make sure that your money's well spent
on musa sapientum.
(but beware of momentum ?
its skin has a slippery intent!)
"
"his disciples were fishers of men.
those they caught in their nets needed then
to have somewhere to grapple
with prayer, hence the chapel
called bethel: god's house, say amen!
"
"if you've barnacles clinging below,
your progress through water may slow.
tenacious crustaceans
of maritime nations
are bad for the slipstream, you know!
"
"aphrodite: the goddess of love
and of beauty, sent down from above.
dearest daughter of zeus,
i need little excuse ...
expect roses, by carriage of dove.
"
"bad blood is a lack of do-gooding
with hatred and enmity brooding.
before it's too late
(past the last use-by date)
they should make it all into black pudding.
"
"i snarl to my foe, ""do your worst,""
he rolls?two and one?the man's cursed.
blithely i cast the dice.
they turn up.  i look twice?
for it's ambsace, two ones!  he goes first.
"
"i thought i knew every word plant-ous;
the lexicon's breadth i would span thus.
but i must confide,
there's a thorn in my side,
and that thorn is quite plainly acanthous!
"
"maximilian, an archducal son,
a mexican empire'd begun.
his regime got a veto
from ju?rez (benito),
who led a rebellion, and won.
"
"an arb is an arbitrageur,
like a stock market entrepreneur:
buy something up cheap
and then sell it off steep,
and a nice little profit secure.
"
"some would call the oedilf airy-fairy:
unsubstantial (although very merry).
i'd tell those folks, ""hey!
if you think it's all play,
you inaesthetes deserve hari-kari.""
"
"there's a guy (there's a guy) as you see
(as you see) aping me (aping me!)
blast it (blast it!) and drat
(drat!) the old copycat
(copycat) apish (ape?) chimpanzee.
"
"in politics clyde was receptive
to candidates frank or deceptive;
but after he'd seen
where his tax money'd been,
he proved to be much less acceptive.
"
"an apologist makes no retraction;
he aims to repent no infraction;
his job is to show
that what is should be so,
and to do it with utmost exaction.
"
"here is a law that's dependable,
a precept ne'er broken nor bendable:
when starting a fire
you always require
heat, air, and something accendible.
"
"it seems, alas, strangely endemic
that matters adverse or polemic
oft render your claim
to teach what you aim
a freedom that's just academic.
"
"when speech veers aside from the track it's
been following, changing its tack, it's
an aside (often shown
by a difference in tone.
[in writing we show it with brackets]).
"
"when my bro bought this four-bucks-rent avenue,
i said ""baltic?? you must have some slav in you.""
but with mediterranean?
that was insane! he in-
stalled hotels...you've been there, haven' you?
"
"he's been gone many years, make no doubt,
but his image still lingers about,
in a photograph's limbo,
with one arm akimbo
(the hand on the hip, elbow out).
"
"""drink more,"" said the wine. i complied,
for all night it had been on my side.
""you'll only soar higher,
i am your desire,""
it whispered?but this time it lied.
"
"to turn liquid to mist, simply squeeze
through a hole. to propel? cfcs!
(those were common in aerosols.)
harm ozone? use parasols
to shield from the deadly uvs.
"
"""just a color"" ? it swindles our sight.
for colors are wavelengths of light,
while the essence of black
is fathomless lack ?
fitting symbol of evil and blight.
"
"they seem opposites, bitter and sweet,
yet at times, such emotions can meet,
and the sweet is the more
for the bitter at core,
and the mixture is strangely complete.
"
"an acquaintance is someone you know
who is neither a friend nor a foe,
whom you'd not cross the street
to avoid or to greet,
though you might, should you meet, say hello.
"
"they're contractions all right, but don't fret.
honey, don't start your pushing quite yet.
named for john braxton hicks,
this condition just tricks
late-term uteri: ""ready, get set...""
"
"genus acris: small frogs you can hear.
north america's where they appear.
their drab colors can vary.
their call's not so scary
unless crickets are something you fear.
"
"""how much can you bench?"" asked the squirt
at the gym. the kid's arms filled his shirt.
i could lift, said and done,
just an eighth of a ton.
""four-fifty,"" i lied, and it hurt.
"
"after drinking some brewskis (a vat!),
but before on the toilet i've sat,
i'll have gas so severe
that my beer farts could clear
any bar in just ten seconds flat!
"
"the process of alkalization
is sweeping the earth metal nation!
raise your ph post-haste?
then you'll be much more based
in your hydrogen neutralization.
"
"an aide to the veep leaks a fact.
online journalists quickly react.
it's a blogasm! pow!
there's no stopping it now,
till that flunky's indicted and sacked.
"
"my son tried to affix his new sticker.
his assiduous sis is a licker.
so the sticker stuck less
'cause sis licked to excess.
bond was gone. mad son smacked sis's snicker.
"
"when jehovah had something to say
to mary, he sent down her way
angel-messenger gabe,
who predicted a babe?
but no holy roll in the hay.
"
"if you'll spot me some money right now,
i will purchase a bovine, and vow
that each month i'll respond
with a payment?our bond
is secured by my big fat cash cow.
"
"with microbes this water's been dosed.
let it sit for a few days at most.
measure o2 before,
and then after once more.
just don't drink it, 'cause then you'd be toast!
"
"the afferent nerves are essential
for sending alerts referential
to what has been seen,
heard or smelled, dull or keen,
straight off to the nerve system, central.
"
"afflatus is god's revelation
of holy, divine inspiration.
treat such knowledge with care
whose receipt is so rare,
oft delivered within conflagration.
"
"when asked, ""jo, how long can you write 'em?""
i replied, ""maybe ad infinitum.""
it seems there's no end
as my wrist i do bend
to compose little poems to delight 'em.
"
"said holmes, ""sir, the game is afoot!
with the facts, we'll go straight to the root
of the matter at hand. it
will lead to the bandit
when we find where the gun has been put.""
"
"aeronomy: study of air
to examine the chemistry there
and phenomena physical,
for those who are quizzical.
myself? i am sure i don't care!
"
"avuncular seldom is heard,
because it's a very old word.
it refers to a brother
of father or mother,
who's often a fairly strange bird.
"
"amboise is the final repose
for leonardo da vinci, and those
who now visit the place
can buy wine by the case
from this town where the river loire flows.
"
"there once was a fellow named lance
who rode in the great tour de france.
he earned accolades
for his bike escapades,
which he won by the seat of his pants.
"
"a rustler, in days long ago,
would be very perplexed just to know
that abaction's the name
for his criminal game:
stealing cows from the herd just for dough.
"
"if your belly is making you sad,
abdominoplasty's not bad.
'bout your abs we won't nag
and your tummy won't sag
(and many more dates will be had).
"
"i gorge on big burgers with cheese
and eat all the fries that i please.
i'm so idiotic?
arteriosclerotic.
i'll die of a clogged-vein disease.
"
"growing up in atlanta was beach-free.
navigation could cause quite the screech spree.
to us, 'twas amusing;
to guests, quite confusing:
""it's not far?just turn left down at peachtree.""
"
"a database guy named mcclaskey
sent a utf file to pulaski.
p. replied, ""it's too long.
can you tell me what's wrong?""
m. replied, ""i dunno, but i'll ascii.""
"
"muscle fibers have a-bands. explained:
they are darker than i-bands when stained.
their look also changes
as view angle ranges.
like hair bands, they tear when they're sprained.
"
"lost my specs; sprained my knee; woe is me.
took aleve, my nsaid.
but then, too, of that hue,
i'm afraid, was the ""blue
little pill."" now i find i can't pee.
"
"a brown mare trotted up and said, ""you
are a blacksmith. can you fix my shoe?""
i had nothing to ask,
so i bent to the task.
all was well till she thanked me with ""moo.""
"
"i was reading a book by tom clancy
'bout a submarine, russian and fancy.
red october, a boomer,
bore missiles. they'd doom her.
that scheme of jack ryan's was chancy.
"
"said the cow, ""all this eating's a chore.
but the one thing i really abhor
and just can't abide is
this abomasitis,
or swelling inside stomach four.""
"
"'cross the creek and just over that hill
neighbors fertilize, crop-dust, and till.
but i'm green?there's a schism.
bioregionalism
will veto their subsidy bill.
"
"in grade seven, my puberty-torn,
cracking vocals elicited scorn.
but my instrument choice
had a fairly deep voice:
baby tuba, the baritone horn.
"
"gamma globulin: ""microbes i pound,
beta globulin, slacker profound.""
b replied, getting hot,
""be content with your lot!
i must ferry this iron around.""
"
"this beetle at nighttime will show,
by bioluminescence, its glow.
you've just got to admire
how it looks part afire.
the cucujo, if you're in the know.
"
"the 'people's princess', in her prime,
sought to publicize warfare's great crime,
wanting land mines disarmed
to keep people unharmed.
and now she's a saint for our time.
"
"carmina burana was writ
by carl orff?it's a classical hit.
but of old spice you'll think
(and its lingering stink),
if you're middle-aged and you're a brit.
"
"i was asked by a begging farang,
""can you spare me a 50-satang?
 for that's all i need
to go buy, at great speed,
a cold beer?a nice bottle of chang.""
"
"life can be both cruel and fickle.
you're broke, find yourself in a pickle.
""can you spare me a dime?""
""wouldn't give you the time,
not even a buffalo nickel.""
"
"an alhaji's beard, when it was seen
in mecca, provoked vented spleen.
""the man's beard should be red
or orange,"" they said,
""but it can't be fluorescent and green!""
"
"the canadian blue goose will show
dark plumage in summer, although
in winter it's white
to stay out of sight.
as for me? i'd be blue head to toe.
"
"they say life's allotted time span
is three score and ten for a man,
but women, i feel,
get a much better deal.
could that be her real master plan?
"
"d is latin: five hundred, half m.
di: crime, in great britain, he'll stem.
dim: the light is turned down.
dime is ten cents (a noun).
dimer twins are molecular (chem).
"
"be a -punk, commit -crime, go to -war,
spend your time in a -cafe, what's more,
be a -terrorist, like -art,
work in -space, quite apart.
as for -sex, maybe one day a -whore?
"
"so i knock heads together (boo hoo).
inflict pain, on the rear, with a shoe.
""you are too strict by far
and so cruel."" i say bah!
i'm a disciplinarian ? true!
"
"it is sung at a mass for the dead:
dies irae (in latin it's said)
is the ""day of wrath"" song.
i just reckon it's wrong:
""dies irate"" would give wrathfulness cred.
"
"when ridding a tree of dead wood
or a limb from a body, you could
say 'dismember' or think
of the cut made (wink, wink)
by l. bobbitt, who writ it in blood.
"
"the italian chef here's a mastah.
he serves up farfalle-type pasta,
or butterfly, see?
(known as bowtie to me.)
""three  platefuls? enough-a now! basta!""
"
"i'm an afghan but also a dard.
my life at the moment is hard.
of a home i'm bereft
since the taliban left
my abode all in ruins and charred.
"
"for the end, diminuendo, i think,
so the volume recedes to the brink
of pure silence. finis.
enough scoring from me ?
i'll abbreviate (dim.) and save ink.
"
"blue quandong, or blue fig to me,
more commonly blue marble tree ?
it has fruits blue and round,
and their seeds hit the ground
after wompoos have had them for tea.
"
"you won't see me at work or at play
diurnally: indoors i'll stay.
from daylight i bolt
to my vampire vault,
for the fangs surely give me away.
"
"aglitter, agleam, and aglow:
the difference is subtle, i know.
one sparkles with light;
the other shines bright,
and the third may be caused by merlot.
"
"underwater i'm plagued with such ills.
in addition to fever and chills,
i gasp, and i seethe;
i simply can't breathe.
i'm abranchiate (lacking in gills).
"
"""please accouter me,"" cried sergeant hall.
""i need guns and a tank. that's not all.
i'll need many things for
this sad business of war,
but i won't need this pink parasol.""
"
"horizontal mass movements of air
frankly thrill me beyond all compare.
it's an odd predilection,
my love of advection,
but one that i cannot forswear.
"
"my darling one, how can you go?
how ever i'll cope, i don't know.
oh please do not leave me!
that'll surely aggrieve me,
by which i mean cause me great woe.
"
"the gymnast, despite ankle sprain,
did flip after flip down the lane.
with luck for his cause
the thund'rous applause
overpowered his loud cries of pain.
"
"you say accoy's too antiquated.
a verb meaning soothe, it's quite dated.
but listen here, boss.
it worked for old chauce',
so i'll use it and not be berated.
"
"with a poker opponent who's vicious
you had best ante up when he wishes.
should you hold back your due
better flee to peru
or you'll wind up asleep with the fishes.
"
"if this limerick strikes you as harmless
(though somewhat artistically charmless),
you've missed half its meaning.
to my comrades in scheming,
this aesopian verse ain't alarm-less.
"
"when calling and asking for terry
i confess that i felt very wary.
was it ""madam"" or ""mister,""
perhaps ""brother"" or ""sister?""
androgynous names can be scary.
"
"a computer receiving a boot;
a candidate dressed in a suit;
or life, in its way:
about each you can say
without bios they'd stay sadly mute.
"
"ab, ad, aa, ag, ah, ae, am, ai,
al, an, ar, as, at, aw, ax and ay
is the list of the two-
letter a-words that you
better know if at scrabble you vie.
"
"yo soy gaucho. much cow have i wrangled
with a method humane but old-fangled.
fling some rope, weights attached:
trusty bola. they're snatched
from the herd with their legs nicely tangled.
"
"baby ship said, ""aw, mom, do i hafta?
this bilge keel provokes my friends' laughter!""
momma said, ""t'would be wise,
'less you'd like to capsize.""
so he wore it, despised, ever after.
"
"thomas seebeck, estonian doc,
welded copper and bismuth ad hoc.
then this bimetal wire
was put in a fire.
the outcome? he got quite a shock.
"
"my valence is one. that will do.
a radical ring, well, who knew?
should this still not suffice,
then to be more precise:
i am c6h5ch2.
"
"while an ex-athlete's strength often fades,
with some effort his skills he upgrades.
though he's no longer fast,
with new work skills so vast,
he's now classed as a jock of all trades.
"
"from the day chicken farming began,
chicks have lived in a two-door mesh span.
they have two doors ? no more,
since a coop made with four
would be known as a chicken sedan.
"
"ending pregnancy's known in quebec
as abortion, which leaves one a wreck.
though my mind's in a fog,
i believe that, in prague,
an abortion is called ""cancelled czech.""
"
"the old golf cart was really a force ?
carried clubs with the speed of a horse.
all the golfers agreed
on the source of its speed:
a fore-cylinder engine, of course.
"
"while in amsterdam, chef paul c. mays
serves his fine lemon sauce as a glaze.
he's enjoyed his time there
and prepped food with such flair,
he has relished his rich holland days.
"
"she is casting couch fodder, so witless;
as an actress she fears being hitless.
she gives sex for her art,
but she still gets no part ?
one could say she is often shared skitless.
"
"for some, jesus christ is the reason
for christmas gift wrappin' and squeezin'.
now, for all of the rest
it's when father owes best,
but for santa, it's just the flue season.
"
"the enclosure, its chickens asleep,
is a coop, where you don't hear a peep.
but once they awake,
and their silence they break,
it's a place where i hear talk is cheep.
"
"just behind a great clock of renown
are some works weighted down with a crown.
it's in london we find
bells well-known by mankind,
where big ben is the tock of the town.
"
"in the story of adam we cleave
to a timeline we all can perceive.
the first man's a beginner
who, formed before dinner,
was made just a bit before eve.
"
"he was called 'c?ur de lion', 'oc e no',
or 'lionheart' by friend and by foe.
""farewell, all ye maids?
as i join the crusades,
it's to death and/or glory i go.""
"
"tax avoidance? a move you'll not rue.
but evasion? now that's something new.
you may serve five to ten
in a federal pen?
with a con who's just waiting for you.
"
"with hunting and war (in conjunction)
this antelope's fate's at a junction.
the rare dibatag's life
is at times full of strife.
it's a case of ""erect tail"" dysfunction.
"
"two identical molecules set
together?  a dimer you'll get.
""one and one don't make one,""
eric wagers. he's done.
it's a dime eric owes, for the bet.
"
"could it be, that whilst watching tv,
he first saw her performing in the
buds (darling) of may?
did this make michael say:
""shall we marry? oh, please do agree.""?
"
"carborexics, you'd think, wouldn't binge
upon carbs, which would cause them to cringe.
no, it's carbons they stay,
and emissions that may
upon mankind in future impinge.
"
"""my good friend, i am begging, you will
please to stay until having your fill
of chaat, spice to suit.
i've aloo, or some fruit,
and of course, there will not be a bill.""
"
"""chickadee,"" he would coo to mae west,
but old w. c. was a pest.
after filming she flew
to find pastures anew.
with wry fields she was less than impressed.
"
"my avoidance behaviour, to cure,
is in need of a saviour, for sure.
i'm reclusive, aloof;
my remoteness is proof:
other people i cannot endure.
"
"the alhambra (int' town i were born)
sold ice cream and loud-popping corn.
when dick tracy were new,
we'd catch superman, too,
all for thruppence on saturday morn.
"
"win the artsy and craftsy first prize
by employing creative supplies.
using items found 'round
in designs that astound
leads to riches ? if somebody buys!
"
"the expansion on football ideals
made the basketball fans scream appeals.
even three added teams
could not tarnish the dreams
of the acc champion heels!
"
"in a club in the forties he sat?
of those swingers, the funkiest cat.
he would play bebop jazz,
soulful, rhythmic pizzazz.
man, that bebopper never played flat.
"
"auto critics are ruthless as graders
of the automobiles sold by traders.
for their words so unkind
on the models maligned,
they are labeled as ""bad car beraters.""
"
"in la paz, leaders lie, but i hear
south americans still hold them dear.
but, egad and forsooth,
when one tells the whole truth,
not a soul will bolivia here.
"
"for a man, thick and tired, does it matter
if a diet makes midsections flatter?
in applying one's will
with no girth control pill,
it's a triumph of mind over platter.
"
"a dispirited man's got the blues;
he is listless and sits there and stews.
but the way this word sounds,
those who hear it have grounds
to think: ""one who has run out of booze.""
"
"said francis scott key with delight,
""i'm in love with dawn jones ? it's so right!
she serves breakfast and tea
for my sake and, you see,
all my days start by dawn's early bite.""
"
"when your enterprise fails, you can get
some relief from those bills not yet met.
filing bankruptcy's bad,
making filers so sad
that they suffer a fate worse than debt.
"
"at the tavern, doc jones got a shock
when no lime juice and rum were in stock.
they used tree nuts instead,
and the bartender said,
""it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.""
"
"from this dull rock-and-roll let's depart
and let beach music now top the chart.
when i sing with the band,
and i shag in the sand,
i perform with a thong in my heart.
"
"she's a cattleman's wife from la grange
who makes meals for five bucks and some change.
with the classes she took
to become the town's cook,
she's a person at home on the range.
"
"belly dancers may dance to some drums,
and may earn some exorbitant sums.
they do not tap their feet,
though they dance to a beat ?
these are women who twiddle their tums.
"
"jean-claude's such a cheapskate, you know?
he'll only go skiing on eau.
and barefoot, no less?
mon dieu, let me guess:
pour les skis he won't shell out the dough!
"
"as an adjective, bovine means ""slow,""
but our bessie ain't placid, you know.
she played soccer and hockey
(though started out rocky):
her legacy's starting to grow.
"
"oceanic explorers' best dips
involve searching for old sunken ships.
when diving 'neath seas
they'll inflate bcds
or they won't make too many more trips.
"
"men from bedford, va went to fight
on the normandy beaches that night.
on the sixth day of june,
germans killed their platoon;
a lone monument stands to their plight.
"
"as a southerner, i like to eat
collards, cornpone, and grits ? what a treat!
but when gorged, we'll not ease
off our bible belt. please!
our faith won the president's seat.
"
"some soldiers prefer baggy shorts
for the beach or when active in sports,
'cause a hammock, they find,
the banana will bind,
and the privates it somewhat contorts.
"
"when aiming for fortune and fame,
it helps to adopt a big name.
though tom cruise is quite short,
he had longer support:
lafayette ronald hubbard's to blame.
"
"many law students study all night
'til exhaustion plays tricks with their sight.
blindly stumbling to school
to recite legal rule,
they hope blackletter law comes to light.
"
"while on credit, a debtor's infraction
may be cured by an underreaction.
an accord he thus tenders
to satisfy lenders:
checks cashed lead to great satisfaction.
"
"i am fond of a boxer, ali:
he's the greatest you ever would see.
he's strong and he's proud,
he'll never be cowed,
and this canine goes outside to pee.
"
"when my husband returns from his job
with his shirt half-untucked like a slob,
his repetitive blunder
compels me to wonder,
""were you raised in a barn, my dear bob?""
"
"freshman julie was awkward and small,
a bit plain, but not ugly at all.
but soon she found style,
then she learned how to smile,
and became quite a belle of the hall.
"
"a medieval physician who's mean
and whose dark disposition's routine
may blame the black bile,
and self-bleed for awhile,
to solve problems with kidney or spleen.
"
"when goldilocks sat in the chair,
it collapsed, breaking past all repair.
so when placing your heinie
in a seat that is tiny,
remember: such weight it can't bear.
"
"when you've filed in the court seven times
and you're claiming just nickels and dimes,
you may never prevail,
and you might go to jail
as a permanent bar to your crimes.
"
"when a bill of indictment appears,
(an event a celebrity fears)
the grand jury, she hopes,
will forget that she dopes
and seek autographs wet by her tears.
"
"if the earth oft divides at your feet
and you gaze down and feel a great heat,
some may say you are bad,
but you ought to be glad
that those horns on your head are discreet.
"
"bovine bessie is nibbling a leaf,
but the time she's content may be brief.
if she doesn't find fame
and make noted her name,
she'll end up on the table as beef.
"
"in the morning, i kneaded some dough:
fresh bread is quite tasty. although
after working an hour,
i was covered in flour,
so decided to bag it and go.
"
"behind the red curtain are found
certain actors just pacing around.
to ready their nerves,
backstage often serves
as a bar where some alcohol's downed.
"
"where the earth's brittle skin is consumed,
the subduction volcanoes have bloomed.
back-arc basins have formed
where crust stretched as it warmed.
in collision these basins are doomed.
"
"ceanothus: a genus that burns:
for hot conflagration it yearns.
this chaparral bush
provides nitrogen push.
after fire it always returns.
"
"so you call it the celery-top pine?
neither celery nor pine, but that's fine.
phyllocladus to me:
it's a conifer tree;
makes tasmanian forests divine.
"
"with long graceful fins and a tail,
this beast swims the sea without scale,
gives milk and breathes air,
and the babes have some hair!
the cetacean: a dolphin or whale.
"
"when a rain forest tree takes a fall,
the cecropia grows straight and tall.
protected by ants,
among sun-loving plants,
its soft wood is no good?not at all.
"
"acrisorcin's a cure for a yeast
that drops in on your skin for a feast.
it's nasty in tots:
bleaches skin into spots.
but the treatment won't hurt in the least.
"
"this humble bahamian snail
that was studied in greatest detail,
revealed evolution?
steve gould's revolution,
punk-eek, was dear cerion's tale.
"
"alca torda, the shorebird, is last
of its kind that can swoop the seas vast.
though it's scooping up krill
with its blunt razorbill,
alca's richness was all in the past.
"
"what made this shelled creature  distinct?
the ammonoid's chambers were linked.
see this critter while dipping,
we'll know you've been tripping,
'cause all of them now are extinct.
"
"the steely gray crystals were twinned,
and when hammered they broke toxic wind.
mineralogy test:
well she needn't have guessed.
""must be arsenopyrite,"" she grinned.
"
"when seeking to study aikido
(as martial arts go it's quite neat-o)
i think you shall see
the traditional gi
works better than wearing a speedo.
"
"i applied to become a freemason,
but they laughed at my lone application.
said, ""you need the support
of a member cohort
to get into this organization.""
"
"when a monarch or some head of state
longs to flee from his role's heavy weight,
he reflects with a sigh,
""if i were less shy,
i would abdicate. that would be great!""
"
"after dinner i queried my chum,
""have you any post-prandial gum?""
but he did not have any,
not for love or a penny,
so he answered, ""alas, i have none.""
"
"sal sweeney's the adjunct professor,
called ""adjunct"" because he's the lesser
or assistant lit. prof.,
obligated to doff
his cap and to answer, ""why yes, sir!""
"
"a quantity, sum, or account:
any one may be meant by amount.
the verb definitions,
by limerick conditions,
i've run out of room to recount.
"
"afforestation afficionado
named johnny went by a strict motto:
first pull all the weeds,
then insert the seeds ?
the apple tree, not the tomato.
"
"i wait, and i wait, and i wait.
but my problems? they never abate.
i'll be waiting forever
for life to get better,
to improve or ameliorate.
"
"andy carnegie proudly did say,
""i shall give all my money away.
then i'll go down in hist.
as a great altruist,
which carries a pleasing cachet.""
"
"""an aeronaut: that's my true calling,""
said the blimp driver as they were falling.
said his testy wife violet,
""you're only a pilot ?
at which, may i add, you're appalling!""
"
"an amphiploid's quite a phenom:
take the stout forest coconut palm:
reproduced with a twist?
the meiosis was missed?
extra genes both from dad and from mom.
"
"the cedar brought lebanon fame;
it gave to the temple its frame.
but with forests cut down,
the land's dusty brown.
fabled cedrus in danger?what shame!
"
"little charm quark is one of the six;
in strong triplets with others it sticks.
building baryons stout?
stuff we can't do without?
matter's shaped by the quarks' charming tricks.
"
"near the shore of the old tethys sea,
ambulocetus stalked fishes with glee.
with the ears of a whale,
and a walking beast's tail,
this cetacean evolved by degree.
"
"in a small and detached population,
there arose a unique gene mutation.
allopatry's said
to help new traits to spread.
it's key to permit speciation.
"
"it can form in the great briny deep;
from volcanic hot springs it can seep.
cryptocrystalline quartz
grows in nodules of sorts.
with chert and a blade, sparks you'll reap.
"
"let's consider the coccyx projection:
an endowment of primate connection.
genes turn off, then turn on;
parts appear once they're gone.
it's an atavism: trait resurrection.
"
"the chamois is much like a goat,
with curved horns and a glossy brown coat.
its skin is divine,
makes a leather so fine
that we stalk it in mountains remote.
"
"once our chestnut trees grew to great height,
'til the forests were felled by a blight.
there's a fungus to blame;
out of asia it came,
killing cambium cells overnight.
"
"glucose bound into saccharide rings;
chained together, rings form sturdy strings.
polysaccharides long
make the cell wall so strong.
thank you cellulose: greening our springs.
"
"with an acuate needle one sews.
there's an acuate thorn on the rose.
an acuate knife
puts an end to your life
more swiftly than death by cold toes.
"
"to describe patrilineal kin
your adjective options are thin.
when feeling emphatic
you might say agnatic
is the only right word-choice therein.
"
"we say, ""that's so anachronistic,""
when an item from times futuristic
appears in a setting
before its begetting.
what could be any less realistic?
"
"when calamity falls in your path,
like a flood or a scorned woman's wrath,
disruptive commotion
and troubled emotion
tend to make up the swift aftermath.
"
"the ugly stepbrother felt blue
when his new plastic surgeon fell through.
""now mister, take heed.
in your case you'll need
a magician to adonize you.""
"
"the teen years are called adolescence,
a time full of angst and pubescence:
barely endurable,
generally curable,
though there may be a long convalescence.
"
"a fencer who thought he'd been leading
was suddenly foiled and bleeding.
he said to his foe,
""i won't bow to you! no!
i've never believed in acceding.""
"
"i can't ever dine on crab claws,
nor any d?lice that one gnaws.
as an agnathous fish,
were i granted one wish,
i'd acquire a fine set of jaws.
"
"he wrote of the city dodona
and of zeus and of enyo (bellona).
his great innovation
(to create conversation)
was to add in a second persona.
"
"""stop writing those limericks,"" she said,
""and join me at once here in bed.""
""but dear, what i'm doing
is vocab accruing.
i've new words galore in my head.""
"
"avid birders will watch whippoorwills ?
even robins and terns give them thrills.
their hot breath they must bate
while observing birds mate.
these are people enjoying cheep trills.
"
"they converted a church with great zeal
to a house of burlesque ? how surreal!
it's where men come to pray
for some sex on display
in a place where the belles often peel.
"
"bully critics are those who will draw
stringent judgments that cut like a saw.
those who give the best jeers
of their lives to draw tears
are renowned to be quick on the flaw.
"
"uncommitted, this gent hasn't got
an engagement or wedding to plot.
as this bachelor knows,
here's the question to pose:
""should a man remain single or knot?""
"
"a cheapskate is really a guy
who takes the hoard road ? that's no lie.
he's often content
to spend not a cent,
let the rest of the world go buy.
"
"a bigamist, wong, in hong kong
wooed a woman and rushed her along
into multiple marriage,
a justice miscarriage,
a crime where two rites make a wrong.
"
"a beauty shop owner in spain
gives haircuts to women urbane.
those middle-aged matrons
are regular patrons,
so everyone knows them by mane.
"
"an arabian chef, mahmoud knepper,
a condiment pro, a high-stepper,
on the food that he bakes,
will just give a few sheiks
of incredibly fine sultan pepper.
"
"if away from the earth you are fleein',
that direction is called apogean.
that's from apo, ""away"",
and the earth's g-e-a,
and the end of it all is a wee n.
"
"here a nice unit circle perplexes;
a point on the edge of it vexes:
from (x, y) untangle
the upward arc's angle
by taking an arccosine (x's).
"
"if in crowds you display geniality
and with others you find new vitality,
but you find equal zest
far away from the rest,
ambiversion is your personality.
"
"an inveterate pruner and mulcher
delighted in arboriculture.
he nurtured trees much
as a hen tends her clutch,
and he watched for dead limbs like a vulture.
"
"""hard aport,"" cap'n kate says, ""ye grubber!""
adds jack the first mate, ""don't ye snub 'er!""
i stammer and stutter
till jack takes the rudder:
""it means to turn left, ye lan' lubber!""
"
"here with solemn and painstaking thought
is my great apologia wrought;
in this poem i shall
give my own rationale
for my deepest beliefs: viz., why not?
"
"a conditional rolls off our glottises
in two parts.  if this is the protasis
(first part?antecedent,
you might say, but needn't),
then the consequent's this: the apodosis.
"
"take -9, -1, 7, ?
or -4, 1, 6, 11, ?
add, each iteration,
a constant?elation!
arithmetic progressions are heaven!
"
"there once was a man from touraine
who arranged (x, y) pairs on the plane.
his plots were so clever,
analytic would ever
geometry's forename remain.
"
"my lover was terribly quarrelly.
i made my complaint to her orally:
""would you quit?for pete's sake?it?
how far can you take it?""
so she showed how far, ambulatorily.
"
"you can't recklessly roll in the hay!
it's tradition that you have to pay
us a bride-price to wed her
before you can bed her.
(then you're stuck?you can't send her away.)
"
"i'm brunette, as you clearly can see?
my hair's dark, as i like it to be.
some men are more fond
of a girl who is blonde;
they don't care that she's dumber than i.
"
"got pulled over last week (i was speeding),
so i winked as i started my pleading.
the bribe i suggested
then got me arrested;
alas! it's a lawyer i'm needing.
"
"bacteriogenic diseases
may cause you some wheezes and sneezes
or far worse, there's no doubt,
but don't worry about
eating bacteriogenous cheeses.
"
"now, annulling a marriage is serious,
so king henry viii was imperious.
to get quickly unwed,
he'd just chop off her head
('cause provoking the pope's deleterious).
"
"a brownnoser, simply defined,
is someone who's rather inclined
to speak words that ring hollow,
to fawn and to follow,
so he's often seen kissing behind.
"
"there's a lawyer i know, in dismay?
he's without any clients who'll pay.
and he can't handle torts
if he can't afford shorts.
so he's briefless, then, wouldn't you say?
"
"the eight ball is what you're behind
when you've gotten yourself in a bind ?
when you hear your wife's sighs,
and you then realize
that her birthday, in fact, slipped your mind.
"
"my brother-in-law's the poor man
who married my sister suzanne.
and now he's regretting
french kissing and petting
suzanne in the back of his van.
"
"antiepileptics: the way
that we keep someone's seizures at bay.
if you've got that disease,
then make sure, won't you please:
take your meds to be sure you're okay.
"
"all my storys, i think, are commpelling,
but my literture just isn't seling.
the agunts just skoff;
so whuts put them off?
my cacography ? reeelly bad spelling.
"
"he averred that we'd quickly be wed
just as soon as he took me to bed.
so i said to the lad,
""now i see you're a cad!
you should be a cadaver instead.""
"
"this limerick i've purposely penned,
so it's not a mistake. i intend
to portray catalexis.
what no one expects is
a syllable dropped at the
"
"to understand tangents i strived.
integration i somehow contrived
just to grasp so i'd pass
that darn calculus class.
then i knew that at last i derived.
"
"well, it seems we had just gotten started,
but you're gone, and i'm left brokenhearted.
if i hadn't tattooed
your name there, i conclude,
you would not have so quickly departed.
"
"his delusions just won't go away;
he believes he's the king of bombay.
but he lives in a shanty
'cause he won't take his anti-
schizophrenic prescriptions each day.
"
"in o'mallory's pub at last call,
sean was smashed and he started a brawl.
""oh, feck!"" shouted finn,
as the roof collapsed in
when he crashed through a main bearing wall.
"
"men use bro as a slang term for brother?
but they don't have to share the same mother.
it's a way that guys say
(trying not to sound gay)
that they'd like to be friends with each other.
"
"broca's area: that's the location
in your brain which creates conversation.
if you damage that spot,
you'll regret it a lot;
it will cause a great deal of frustration!
"
"we were hunting and bob shot a deer.
we turned back toward the lodge for a beer.	
""it's not heavy,"" i said,
""so, bob, you grab the head
and start walking ? i'll bring up the rear.""
"
"some accorded bill clinton acclaim,
though a few note the stain on his name.
no one knows what took place
when reporters gave chase
and left monica wrestling with blame.
"
"the players of footy engage
in a sport that has pain as a gauge:
they compete with no pads
and get kicked in the 'nads!
but for aussies, this sport is the rage.
"
"no romanov rulers remain;
the bolsheviks ended their reign.
as the state was rebuilt,
blue blood was soon spilt:
in the woods, alexandra was slain.
"
"succumbing to whims of caprice
led straight to the arms of police.
a night of wild times
concluded with crimes
and payments of bail that don't cease.
"
"on top of her favorite steed,
she accelerates, upping her speed.
as she darts from the jail
with a guard on her tail,
she's escaping with cons she just freed.
"
"a lawyer will suffer some shame
when liquor is linked to his name.
a bar meeting may seem
to fit into that theme,
but such claims are not one and the same.
"
"our russian instructors oft spurred
us to conjugate every last word:
begin with the base,
then the ending replace
and hide the frustration incurred.
"
"when two companies plot to blockade
horizontal or vertical trade,
if there's no competition,
it's viewed with suspicion:
by antitrust law, they're unmade.
"
"on the stage, ballerinas chass?;
they pli?, pirouette, and jet?.
but they'll never go far
without time at the barre.
(it's for practice, not drinks, in ballet.)
"
"oppressors annihilate foes
by using some terrible blows.
the civilians must hide,
and attend those who died:
bombardment spawns terrible woes.
"
"i have acarinosis. some mites
have set up in my skin and take bites.
it's a vile infestation,
this pest population.
i'm itching and cannot sleep nights.
"
"if you're wanting to hire a car,
then a member of acra's a star?
since this lobbying group
can put you in the loop
for your travel both near and afar.
"
"afrocentric: the world, it is said,
has its culture from africa led.
we descend, i believe,
from a woman called eve;
our descendants have spread from her bed.
"
"you would think that an ""alphabet stock""
is a soup where the words run amok?
take a slurp and you'll see
that this meal ""a to z""
is the source of words ""bath petal sock.""
"
"a plant hormone once called abscissin
instructs autumn leaves to go missin'.
they fall when the breeze
blows through bushes and trees;
there's no cover for lovers a-kissin'.
"
"the akashic record sets down
(and is held by some faiths in renown)?
'til death and from birth?
our life on this earth:
each soul, every thought, every frown.
"
"there is something attacking my ear?
it's so loud that i almost can't hear!
though the buzz and the ring
are drowned out when i sing,
tinnitus makes hearing unclear.
"
"i know aigre is sour or bitter.
i learnt that from my french baby-sitter
(he was handsome, i keen;
but i was just thirteen)
when i made him my first apple fritter.
"
"so the active crust boundary teems
with hot rock; it's apart at the seams!
when two crusty plates
move around, dire straits!
they adjust; while the core below gleams.
"
"to look like the great halle berry
would make any movie star merry?
she's gorgeous, you see.
wish her face was on me!
but my looks are commonplace?very.
"
"adrammelech sued me for libel!
(he's some murdering thug from the bible.)
i had said he was bad
'cos he murdered his dad.
his behaviour's disgustingly tribal.
"
"celecoxib shows pain the back door?
treats inflammat'ry illness galore.
pain and swelling won't linger
in anus or finger
or countless more places, i'm sure!
"
"a cesarian section combines
a live birth with a slice along lines
cut from navel to mound,
or across the raised round
of a belly, where baby reclines.
"
"i laid the flat stones all around,
built them up, raised up high from the ground.
and now it's a cairn,
for i buried my bairn;
cairn is scots for a burial mound.
"
"a church abatvoix is a board
whose acoustic effect we applaud.
it gives amplification
of reverend's oration:
we hear him ? and so can the lord.
"
"cefazolin is great for the skin
when bacteria lurk deep within.
it's a cure that's well known
where there's staph in your bone
and for most other tissue it's in.
"
"oh my celandine poppy! you bring
summer joy to my heart, make it sing.
striking tall yellow flower,
though 'bove others you tower,
your sap is a poisonous thing.
"
"acolyctine's derived from a plant
with a dangerous sedative slant.
so for making a spell
or to make beasts unwell,
wolfsbane works where some other plants can't.
"
"a girlfriend of mine called alara
is wearing a gaudy tiara:
crowned ""queen of the limbo"",
bent back, legs akimbo,
while dignity says ""sayonara"".
"
"i can say with all certitude, dude,
that i'm really so not in the mood
for your huggin' and kissin',
'cos there's something that's missin';
my finger is feeling quite nude.
"
"his brutishness made her feel wanted?
she yearned for him; still, she was haunted.
for she'd say, ""you're a pig!""
and he'd snap like a twig;
beat her senseless whene'er he felt taunted.
"
"i have a big mole on my beezer
(though mum calls the latter my sneezer),
so i've had it removed:
all the men disapproved
of its hair that i plucked with a tweezer.
"
"my cacography cauzed much dizmay,
for my teachers all spelled the right way.
though they cride an we faught,
i culd never be tot,
an i terned all there brown hairs to gray.
"
"an audio frequency's clear:
it's a sound that we humans can hear,
like from chickens or choirs,
or local town criers?
it's audible waves for our ear.
"
"the lives of black plums are worth squat
if you dwell in death valley: it's hot!
for these stone fruits (not black
but deep purple), alack,
would soon prune if you just plum forgot.
"
"my brusquely said comebacks  reflect
all the times my big mouth got me decked.
now i choose words with care
and hope time will repair
my poor face, which has often been wrecked.
"
"at the concert, he looked so forlorn.
he'd forgotten to bring his french horn!
for his instrument, brass,
had been left in the grass
where his love to the maiden was sworn.
"
"i am dying to go geographic:
to zimbabwe or somewhere else afric.
i am aching to fly
on a plane in the sky
('stead of bumper-to-bumperous traffic).
"
"she would eat, but would not keep it down.
when she'd leave for the loo they would frown.
but they never had thought
that more often than not
she would binge and then purge for the crown.
"
"the passengers scream out in fright;
pilot tries, but the gear doesn't bite.
there's a sharp, scraping sound?
belly landing on ground?
and the pilot sighs,""phew, we're all right!""
"
"there once was a luckless peruvian
whose jalopy was antediluvian.
girls thought the machine
was a sight to be seen?
but not to be seen at a movie in.
"
"when i was your age, just a pup,
i had dreams, i had big plans then?yup,
to act up on the stage,
be reviewers' big rage...
now it's only my knees acting up.
"
"there once was an aged antiquary
who kept relics of rome's legionary.
some people would tease her,
""you batty old geezer!""
""i'm young next to caesar,"" she'd parry.
"
"my limericks are being aestheticized:
beautified, polished, poeticized.
my syntax i mourn
as to shreds is it torn,
and my slant rhyme is savagely creticized.
"
"there once was a clerical gent
of an archidiaconal bent.
he used to give sermons
to a parish of germans,
but he never found out what they meant.
"
"her eyes shine like heaven's stars sparkle,
their colour so grand and monarchal;
her purplish eye
i would liken to dye,
the eye-likened lichen-dye, archil.
"
"a chief in our village britannic
once fled from a forest in panic.
""those deciduous trees!
take them all away, please!""
we thought the bloke quite aldermanic.
"
"as our vessel up cook inlet passed,
we were sick, sore, and sour, keel to mast.
searching por'side and starboar',
we couldn' find harbor,
till anchorage showed up at last.
"
"some creatures, most often microbic,
are anaerobes (or anaerobic).
they live places where
you can't get any air,
though you'd think that they'd get claustrophobic.
"
"quoth hamlet, ""alas!"" then, ""poor yorick.
i knew him...,""  and waxes rhetoric.
the dane, whose woes fester,
refers to the jester
as him: we call that anaphoric.
"
"bambi brassily hikes up her skirt?
finds a man with a ring, starts to flirt.
in some busy back room,
doused with too much perfume,
let's just say that her loins aren't inert.
"
"as the brushfire raced through the woods,
all the bush-dwellers fled from their 'hoods.
fuzzy squirrels grabbed nuts
as the flames licked their butts,
and they looted and ran with the goods.
"
"arepa, a bread made with pride,
venezuelans like grilled, baked or fried.
stuffed with meat, cheese?  beware!
eating more than your share
means your bottom will grow very wide.
"
"if you break someone's heart with caprice,
it may be, for a while, a release;
but the boyfriend you're shedding
may come to your wedding,
insistent on saying his piece.
"
"i'm a versatile boy in the choir,
who's a little bit straight, yet on fire.
i sing tenor or bass;
it's a role i embrace:
a bisectional pro, now for hire.
"
"""let bygones be bygones,"" he said;
said she, ""let us argue instead,""
and explained, ""dear, we must
let it out, or we'll bust!""
""you may do so, but i've gone to bed.""
"
"he would chain-smoke his pall malls all day,
while he drank all his sorrows away.
he'd smoke one, and then smother
it, light up another?
his wine had a stinky bouquet.
"
"he bragged about this thing and that?
told tales whilst the old-timers sat.
before one lady died
from sheer boredom, she cried,
""send me off, that's enough of this prat!""
"
"should our plan for world peace come to pass,
no more broadscale destruction en masse,
so disputes are resolved
using means more evolved?
waging battles with flatulent gas.
"
"muscles rippling and shoulders so broad,
he abraded the scales from the cod.
even scaling the fish,
he looked simply delish.
my, that fishmonger's got quite a bod!
"
"we soar up in a basket of wicker?
huge balloon overhead, pounding ticker;
then with deft aerostation
and smooth navigation,
drift back safe, glad to open our liquor.
"
"a cadger's the kind of a codger
who'll beg off his rent as a lodger;
he'll entreat you to share
your best clothes 'til you're bare?
he's a moocher, a harp-ful old dodger.
"
"they say eons and eons have passed
since old yellowstone boomed its last blast.
but for those who still fear a
trip through this caldera:
say your prayers, and get out of there fast!
"
"once your body and mind begin withering,
and your actions and thoughts become dithering,
find yourself a nice place
to retire just in case
your caducity leaves you all blithering!
"
"please excuse me a moment?don't run;
that's my call-waiting beep, just begun.
let me put you on hold,
until i have told
on line 2 what you said on line 1.
"
"ungainly she was, from the grange;
most dance steps were out of her range.
but just turn on the jazz
and she'd tap with pizzazz?
razzmatazz with flap, shuffle, ball change!
"
"it's a canvasser?hang up the phone;
these campaigners won't leave us alone!
party hacks ring our line
as we sit down to dine:
our vote's lost amid groans as they drone!
"
"dull green cabbage is one of those vegges
that is shredded or cut up in wedges
to be boiled with corned beef;
then it brings on the grief
alimentary?you'll hide behind hedges!
"
"a capon's a rooster whose loss
makes him more a fine meal than a boss;
though deprived of the joy
he might know as a boy,
once roasted, he's heaven in sauce.
"
"all i need to prevail in the fray
is to join the rare few who hold sway:
bono, gates, oprah gail,
elton john, christian bale;
please just give me one ounce of cachet!
"
"i was researching habits of meanies
who like to biff boys on their beanies,
when old prof. moldova
said, ""run an anova.""
i learned, by these means, they're just weenies!
"
"he's not paranoid?no, this is real:
barry bonds has few fans; that's the deal.
as his home runs accrue,
baseball fans' boos do too;
they're convinced he's on steroids, a heel.
"
"see this caddisworm glued to his base?
future caddis fly making his case?
in the lake he'll festoon
his long, sticky cocoon
with debris that's at hand: he's an ace!
"
"never gush over big cats whose caudal
end's twitching or switching; don't dawdle.
if a tail whips, leave now,
or you'll be tiger chow?
which is likely your mother to maudle!
"
"does anyone cable these days?
what with email and texting, both ways
of sending words fast
through distances vast?
who needs wires in this e-crazy phase?
"
"the orchids arrived in some packing
which cattley threw out, never tracking
their sprouts, till they flowered,
whereupon he was showered
with praises?cattleya was cracking!
"
"is a donkey a numb-lipped old loon
if he wants to ingest a cardoon?
think not ill of the ass
munching thistles with grass:
artichoke him?but he reaps a boon.
"
"humidity's out. so are lights,
not to mention flash cameras, most nights.
and it wouldn't be smart
to touch paintings?our art
conservator's given to fights.
"
"our new marketing guru's a brander
who's convinced the big boss we must pander
to gossips no good
at working with wood?
never mind that our product's a sander!
"
"those two guys down the street in nice suits?
just ignore their suave hair and fine boots?
that one there grabbed my locket;
his pal picked my pocket:
there's no way that they aren't in cahoots!
"
"bee balm, northern hemisphere herb,
with colours and fragrance superb.
yellow-white, heaven scent,
you all know what is meant
when my garden's signed ""do not disturb"".
"
"abdominal reflexes, fickle,
will jump in response to a tickle.
but your tum, it won't twitch
if you scratch your own itch
(unless you're employing a sickle!).
"
"make a stab ? is the back kept posterior
in position because it's inferior
in appeal to the front?
or for bearing the brunt
of the wounding from motives ulterior?
"
"mrs. cooper (her christian name's carol),
has a shape best described as a barrel.
she's convex as a cask
(having sex is a task),
but she laughs and wears hoops on apparel!
"
"it's daft: when you die, you bequeath
all your favourite things (like your teeth)
to your kids and your wife,
who brought much to your life ?
like its end, and a second-hand wreath!
"
"there's a fellow quite unrealistic
(airy-fairy in characteristic)
whose flight of some fancy
may crash down, perchance he
proves typically over-artistic.
"
"in spain, sixteen litres of wine:
an arroba (rioja's just fine),
or in old portuguese,
fifteen kilos of cheese.
with friends, it all sounds quite divine!
"
"the anorak: style for norwegians,
and it insulates eskimo legions.
it has long furry trim
for when weather is grim,
thus warming remote polar regions!
"
"spanish courts in the past would arraign
you, painstakingly so, in the main.
yes, the old inquisition
could make your position
and guilt most increasingly plain.
"
"in regular usage, it ain't.
this form has become somewhat quaint.
yes, sadly, it's wizened,
though still means it isn't.
it's becoming increasingly faint.
"
"a greek shield, these days, seems egregious,
but not so the word for it:  aegis.
metaphoric connection
suggests the protection
of someone or something prestigious.
"
"you'll pray for the patience of job
if you've married an agoraphobe.
it pains him to face
the mobbed marketplace,
so he sits round the house in his robe.
"
"there's sand in my shoe.  goodness gracious!
so now the shoe's, what, arenaceous
(that is, made of sand)?
no, nothing so grand.
at worst, it is merely vexatious.
"
"continuous growth, or accrescence,
suits businessmen, not adolescents.
there is no end, i fear,
to a corporate career,
as there must be to youthful tumescence.
"
"i am often required to abstrude
rough men whose advances turn lewd.
though thrust off this way,
they return to the fray
in the hope i'll stop playing the prude.
"
"in uttar pradesh, folks will goad ya
to seek out a town called ajodhya.
it's sacred, they say.
hindus drop by each day,
as i'm sure every fakir has todhya.
"
"as a biped, it seems, i ablude
from creation's vast four-legged brood.
i don't howl, i don't bark,
i can't see after dark,
and i rarely take walks in the nude.
"
"the writings of ancient egyptians
provoked a debate on ascriptions.
""the author?  he's gone.
let's call him anon,""
someone said, but the rest had conniptions.
"
"he told them, ""you dare not asperse
the rarefied art of my verse.
such slander, such scorn
can never be borne
while i live.  now begone with my curse!""
"
"there's nothing so prone to abraid
sleepy kids as a band on parade.
they fidget, they shout,
and they caper about,
while their folks pray to heaven for aid.
"
"i had reckoned i could be ""the bard""
till my progress was suddenly marred
by shakespearience lacking.
my fans sent me packing.
at last i've succeeded: i'm barred.
"
"empowerment's something like this:
by lips i am abled to kiss.
lacking muscles to purse
would make life so much worse.
it's not something i'd like to have dis?.
"
"the innermost membranous sac
is a bubble non-vertebrates lack.
the amnios doubles
protection from troubles
for a f?tus ? a safe bivouac.
"
"a benchmark is something that gives
us a standard or measure, and sieves
out those short of the mark.
(or it's left in the park
by a tramp, so he knows where he lives.)
"
"the bloodstream has cells red and white,
with serum to keep them in flight.
carries food, gives protection,
and when there's infection,
it puts up a bloody good fight!
"
"if you go on an anchovy hunt,
take some magnification up front.
my advice: best be erring
on the side of small herring ...
of salty food fish they're the runt.
"
"begged the actor, ""please keep me a part
in the play, i appeal from my heart.""
so at his own insistence,
the director's assistants
maintained them both safely apart!
"
"perhaps i should ban sweet marie;
she's a dish too well stacked up for me.
mr cook's steamy daughter
has me steeped in hot water!
she's eighteen and i'm past fifty-three.
"
"there once was a playboy named ari ?
in east africa, drove his ferrari.
he was slightly too flash,
so they took all his cash.
even there, fear the speed-trap askari!
"
"betweentimes is sort of betwixt
the present in which we're now fixed
and the future that's due.
(i hear tell doctor who
is in trouble for getting them mixed.)
"
"what has intricate?this gets confused?
(as the [purposeful] syntax that's used
herein) twists and turns
can be (this fairly yearns
to), of byzantine being, accused.
"
"a word that retains a soup?on
of the foreign?nicht wahr??has some ton!
so, viva such aliens!
french or israeli 'uns!
kasher their accents? mais non!
"
"this word denotes ""walking on toes""
or the life-forms adopting that pose:
alpacas, hyenas,
grey wolves, ballerinas,
and other such creatures as those.
"
"a bodiless hand?fearful thing?
cast a pall on belshazzar's last fling....
cryptic words on the wall,
the night of the fall
of the last babylonian king:
"
"1st man. lived in eden. deceased.
wore fig leaves; gave names to each beast.
some events in his life:
lost a rib; found a wife;
ate a fruit; got the boot; headed east.
"
"you ask what the heck is a deelie?
in seattle, they use that term freely
to mean ""doohickey""/""dingus""/
""whatever-that-thing-is"":
so pretty much anything, really.
"
"an replaces all manner of a's
that are linked to a word or a phrase
that begins with the sound
of a vowel. (it's found
to reduce awkward vocal delays.)
"
"i was first born where truth's hard to find,
in a world where the blind lead the blind.
but the truth found me then:
i have been born again?
a rebirth of the soul and the mind.
"
"in babel of biblical fame,
they wanted to make them a name
and consolidate power
by building a tower ?
to reach to the heavens, their aim...
"
"people say this as if it referred
to exacting revenge, but i've heard
that in biblical times
people paid for their crimes?
no literal gouging occurred.
"
"the brightly-lit lighthouse we see
lets us know which direction to flee.
(in case you were wondering,
we're pirates a-plundering?
we do it 'cause diamonds ain't free.)
"
"a shoot of bamboo is incredible.
if you slice it and cook it, it's edible.
once it's grown, build a boat
and away you can float
from your life if your wife is unbeddable.
"
"we've quite a variety of rice;
for paella, bahia is nice.
it's spanish, short-grains;
in the mouth it remains?
and when rice is so scrumptious, chew twice.
"
"how dare you to browbeat me, sir?
you are only my father's chauffeur!
your demeanor is stern,
and your words slash and burn;
i'll go tell, then you're fired, monsieur!
"
"booming tubas bring bass from the right,
and the trumpets, far left, keep it tight.
with trombones in the middle,
no room for the fiddle!
this brass band's a woodless delight.
"
"antisexual's where i am at
since my lover and i had a spat.
my affections withholding,
no way am i folding!
it's my way, or sleep with the cat.
"
"i've a taste for the purely aesthetical.
with varied procedures cosmetical,
i've become better looking?
no reading, no cooking.
for him, my appeal?  silhouettical!
"
"are your children as hyper as poodles?
feed them bowls full of letter-shaped noodles!
they will never rebel
as they sit for a spell.
good ol' alphabets pasta?buy oodles!
"
"amarone is what i drink first,
since the problem i have ain't just thirst.
wine this strong (not too sweet)
makes me wild, indiscreet.
at my best?  no, quite frankly, my worst.
"
"acoustic pressure is all about sound?
pressure changes when sound moves around.
(here's a pressure refresher:
pascals measure pressure
as melons are measured by pound.)
"
"the plate-crowder's message is terse:
""pitch inside, an' i'm goin' to firs'!""
a brushback, chin-high,
sends the hardball reply,
""back off or you go in a hearse!""
"
"...but when god took a hand in the game,
the construction crew swiftly became
a directionless rabble
whose speech was a babel
of lingos no longer the same.
"
"a sport. (that's a meaningless game,
bringing undeserved fortune and fame
to its players.*) the scoop:
toss a ball through a hoop;
stop opponents from doing the same.
"
"though the money be counted and weighed,
is the price of a life ever paid?
whose soul has been sold
for that pittance of gold
when a blood money payment is made?
"
"the broken-off end of a brick
is not the first weapon i'd pick.
but a rampaging mob
needs missiles to lob,
and brickbats, though crude, do the trick.
"
"ah, son, i'd forgotten you came.
it's this wretched disease that's to blame.
my memory's shot,
and ? where was i??forgot ?
it's this wretched disease ? what's your name?
"
"the conclusion that must be inferred
from this wretchedly partisan word
is that foes of abortion
hate ""choice""?a distortion
that's not simply false: it's absurd.
"
"admix doesn't play any tricks.
i'll define it with letters just six.
the prefix confounds?
it's just how it sounds.
to put it concisely: add/mix.
"
"with this poison (a drop will suffice)
we inject you?it acts in a trice!?
for the smooth, ageless grace
of a paralyzed face!
look, no creases now! isn't that nice?
"
"tea, milk, honey?they stirred contemplation:
distinct when they're in isolation...
they swirled and spun;
when the mixing was done,
what were many was one: adunation.
"
"said tomato, ""potato, old spud,
we're a clade, not a grade?i'm your bud!
check it out: we share genes.""
this autapomorphy means
that the name lycopersicon's mud.
"
"a nucleotide base potpourri
is genetic diversity's key.
when chromosomes dance,
genes shuffle by chance.
it's adaptive potential, set free.
"
"marine mammals became my obsession.
i quantify every impression.
i record the details
of dolphins and whales.
cetologist: that's my profession.
"
"each cell will cry out with this plea:
we need energy, ample and free!
respiration (aerobic,
not oxygen phobic)
burns glucose to make atp.
"
"an enzyme that helps you digest:
acid protease folds for its quest?
to find protein, its goal,
and to break down the whole,
so that you can absorb your meat best.
"
"the grains are well sorted and rounded.
into cross-beds and ripples they're mounded.
quartz arenite formed
where the sand was once warmed:
on a beach, turned to stone, waves once pounded.
"
"azteca: ferocious black ant
that protects the cecropia plant.
ants that live in the pith
defy everyone with
a sting that makes predators rant.
"
"biodiversity gives us the means
to quantify species and genes,
circumscribe populations'
ecosystem foundations?
its importance ain't just for the greens!
"
"attachment parenting guides me to know
how to help my wee baby to grow.
so i nurse her and wear her
in the hope that i'll spare her
isolation and feelings of woe.
"
"my celtis, or hackberry, trees
can tolerate drought or a freeze.
kin to hops and to hemp,
seed coats document temp.
i count seventy species of these.
"
"your apelike behavior is rude,
your conduct is frequently lewd.
but i shouldn't compare
you with apes?that's not fair.
they're honest and loyal?you're crude.
"
"whenever i eat guacamole,
i savor the taste very slowly.
i'm a true avocado
aficionado?
to me other foods seem unholy.
"
"for a prime south american beauty,
take note of the rodent agouty.
his kind marches on
after others have gone,
yet he humbly declines to be snooty.
"
"a housewife, on finding a borer,
might think, ""here's a poor lone explorer.""
but wood-munching bugs
aren't loners, like slugs.
they invite the whole family.  oh, horror!
"
"the iamb had dreams anamnestic,
of past lives sublime and majestic!
two-syllabled now,
she whispered, ""i vow
that i once lived a life anapestic!""
"
"birds fly, yet how frankly exotic,
to them, is our term aeronautic.
without that big word
man can't fly (which a bird
might be pardoned for finding neurotic).
"
"the dictator told his confessor,
""it's great fun to play the aggressor!
i bully, i ravage,
my conquests are savage.
now shrive me!""  the priest stammered, ""yessir!""
"
"said the judge, ""it is time to addoom
this dispute.  so, since neither the groom
nor the bride will back down,
why not both wear a gown?
let dressmaking efforts resume!""
"
"the nudist considers it wise
to expose what we wish he'd aguise.
but as well as our skins,
there may be certain sins
that a loose-fitting outfit belies.
"
"a lawyer, both savvy and cynical,
produced a last-minute adminicle ?
new proof to support
what he'd said to the court
(just so long as they didn't get clinical).
"
"romantics crave love amoristic,
so tender, so idealistic!
embrace, then, and smile
till a walk down the aisle
ends in courtrooms and costs legalistic.
"
"i've a bent (which some wish i would curb)
for the cynical, sour, acerb.
what my nouns fail to slash,
my adjectives bash,
and i always draw blood with a verb.
"
"take bauxite and clean off the soil,
and present it to someone who'll toil.
they'll take what you mine
and they'll crush and refine,
'cause we love our aluminum foil.
"
"i once knew a barfly named tonya.
out of any hard liquor she'd con ya.
be it vodka or gin,
she'd pour it all in,
then heave it all right back up on ya.
"
"a bauble is naught but a toy
with no value to speak of, my boy.
when you go to your sweet,
lay the toy at her feet...
now its value is that of her joy.
"
"this limerick isn't absurd;
it might have already been heard.
it isn't the best
and it lacks verve or zest.
it's average, just like the word.
"
"whose autobiography states
that ""apples"" are something he hates?
he dropped out of college,
with only his knowledge
of software.  of course?it's bill gates!
"
"there was a young woman named nina,
whose holiday plans were between a
soothing trip to the sea,
and a weekend to ski.
the place to get both?  argentina!
"
"when your payment is quite overdue,
then your interest will start to accrue.
you've gone down the wrong path,
'cause with credit card math,
one and one add to greater than two!
"
"when you want to explain an abstraction,
and you do it by using real action,
symbolism's the game.
allegory's the name.
and the reader gets true satisfaction.
"
"""it's me, i'm the one who's the sagest.
damn youngsters think they're all the rage,"" hissed
my favorite aunt katie,
the day she turned 80.
i think that this might make her ageist.
"
"i'm older and life's more assuring;
real confidence comes with maturing.
neuroses are over,
i'm sitting in clover.
i'm not merely old, i'm enduring!
"
"please don't offer me prunes that are stewed,
and no beer that's been recently brewed.
that was never my style.
let me cook for awhile,
and accustom you all to fine food.
"
"when mac was caught wooing ms. horshack,
her husband attacked him with force. mac
leapt over the table,
sped out to the stable,
and speedily rode out ahorseback.
"
"in a hospital down in old roma,
when marcello awoke from his coma,
""goodbye,"" said the nurse.
""guess we'll cancel the hearse.
arrivederci, i'm sending you home-a.""
"
"there's a protein that's formed as blood's clottin'
called fibrin.  it's one that's well-gotten,
but when plasma that's tested
shows fibrin's divested
pathologically, that's just plain rotten!
"
"on a harley, a t. rex just came
to my mind when i first heard this name,
and an image more stern
was evoked than a fern.
cyclosorus sounds hip but it's lame!
"
"the humble man's message is great,
one that rock stars should try to create.
""don't be puffing your chest
or your head. to sing best,
it's your diaphragm you should efflate!""
"
"it's the sulfate you use when hide's tanned,
that can purify water, if planned,
and in ink for tattoos.
for anemia choose
it?the ferrous of meds in the land!
"
"i've a fever and muscle aches, see?
chili peppers' bass aggravates me.
it's not music that's my fuss,
but endemic-type typhus
brought on by that loser called ""flea""!
"
"the queen told the king that ""those asses'
big egos cropped up in all classes
when one core formation,
a bold concorporation,
was formed by you knighting the masses!""
"
"oh, the magnification parameter
of a telescope's found when diameter
of the telescope view
is compared with what's true
with an instrument called a dynameter.
"
"one day at hugh hefner's big mansion,
he unfolded, to view in dispansion,
his sexy collections
of centerfold sections,
which made him erect as a stanchion!
"
"polly esther asked mom how she came
 to be born. ethylene glycol's top claim:
 ""your dad got me hot.
 we reacted a lot,
 so transesther'fication's to blame!""
"
"it's a whale of a tale and it's soooo
far above and beyond all we know.
it exceeds the top mark.
it's like jumping the shark
when you're drawing the longbow for show.
"
"here's a question that you can repeat:
engineer's chain and centipede meet
to reveal what shared trait
that can make them relate?
it's one hundred, when speaking of feet!
"
"dotted gayfeathers grow in warm weather
and, in spite of their name, they don't feather.
the liatris punctata's
purple flowers have brought us
a bright bloom with a view, all together.
"
"farrah fawcett was, back in the day,
drop-dead gorgeous, as many would say,
but in 2009,
we were forced to define
what that meant in a much different way...
"
"from the french for old rule, ancien
regime now refers to the men
leading france under louis,
who let things get screwy,
and now it's not like it was then.
"
"to solve some equations, apply
mathematics, and use it to try
to find x; but bivariate
ones can be hairy; it
seems they have both x and y.
"
"in a ball lying sweetly curled up
(in almost the shape of a pup
with its head on its ass),
here lies my sweet lass ?
is she dreaming of chocolate to sup?
"
"while a proof would in theory suffice,
a constructivist wants to have nice
and quite solid constructions,
displaying deductions
with provable proof that's precise!
"
"when you hate something more than it warrants,
and the waves of disgust come in torrents,
your aversion to try it
is way past disquiet:
the word that you want is abhorrence.
"
"aunt clara's at sixes and sevens,
confused and quite addled?my heavens!
if she'd only commit
to relax just a bit,
she'd drop down from thirteens to elevens.
"
"my shrink says i'd best start revealing
my feelings, and then i'll start healing.
exploring my brain?
i think i'll abstain.
avoidance is much more appealing.
"
"the huge arching m is bright yellow.
i order and hear myself bellow,
""give me supersized fries,
and some damn apple pies!""
i am hoping the carbs make me mellow.
"
"when observing the fourth of july,
uncle sam ate a warm apple pie.
he proceeded to blurt,
""it's a british dessert!""
miss american pie's gonna cry.
"
"an african army commander
decided to slowly meander
out into the veldt
to see what he'd smelt:
it was cattle?they're called africander.
"
"acception means meaning's received;
intended agreement's achieved.
confuse with exception?
you'll cause misconception.
the reader might then be aggrieved.
"
"when wallis took king edward's heart,
he'd abdicate rather than part
from the woman he loved,
so the crown just got shoved.
(they called her a gold-digging tart.)
"
"ailurophobe, you're just insane,
disliking sweet cats! you complain
about soft silky fur
and the way that they purr.
has something gone wrong in your brain?
"
"is it springtime that fills us with cheer,
gets us out to the beach drinking beer?
is it evenings in june?
or the silvery moon?
no, it's august, eighth month of the year.
"
"our astronauts circled the earth
ten years or so after my birth.
and then pretty soon
they walked on the moon.
folks cheered them from boston to perth.
"
"the land could be your land or my land,
a continent or a small island.
if it does have some water,
but not like it oughter,
it's not quite a desert; it's dryland.
"
"ambrosia, the food of greek gods!
don't complain how it tastes, or the odds
are that zeus will get mad,
and for you, 'twould be bad,
if you haven't installed lightning rods.
"
"my ex used to frequently sneeze.
now she's left me, and breathes with great ease.
seems the allergy's cause
was one of my flaws.
her allergen? 'twas my pet fleas.
"
"major tom said, ""acousma ain't fun.
this latest form pains me a ton.
these hallucinations
were of buzzing sensations.
now i'm hearing the sound of a gun.""
"
"for a tempo that's fast (well, a bit)
allegretto's how one should emit.
when batons start to fly
you should not be so shy;
play allegro, it's slow not a whit.
"
"though some say it reeks of pretension
i've long been quite fond of abstention.
for i'd read in the papers
of my liquor-fueled capers;
now my exploits don't merit a mention!
"
"his genius has long been in bloom.
even as he vacated my womb
my son learned (while he crowned)
how the world rotates 'round.
aborning, his cranium went vroom.
"
"music made solely by voice
presents a most difficult choice.
should one run down the fella
who sings a cappella
in a jaguar or in a rolls-royce?
"
"the absonous singing of bob
made alice's head pound and throb.
he just wouldn't stop
so she called for a cop.
now in sing-sing he sings with the mob.
"
"some people are accident prone.
they shouldn't go out on their own.
they walk into doors,
end up on all fours,
fall down manholes and break every bone.
"
"amberina is glassware of old
(nineteenth century, u.s., i'm told)
that graduates to
a ruby-red hue
from a warm yellow amberish-gold.
"
"actinometry? my explanation:
the measurement of radiation
(the ""incident"" sort)
photochemically caught,
in electro-magnetic migration.
"
"an agony column's for those
with problems, anxieties, woes
(the same old routine
in a teen magazine ?
zits, boyfriends, the size of one's nose).
"
"when down from above it is viewed,
something actinomorphic ain't skewed.
longitudinally cut,
it's symmetrical, but
cut laterally, not, i'd conclude.
"
"some folks enjoy electronica?
synthesized spew that is sonic, a
disco-like beat
that they think is sweet.
but i'd rather hear a harmonica.
"
"ejaculatory?oh yes!
it's a word you can use to express
either something that's blurted
or something that's spurted.
either way, it can make quite a mess.
"
"when folks make my acquaintance (i'm dixon),
they start mixin' up ""dixon"" with ""nixon""!
i cry, ""i'm not a crook!
can't you tell with one look?
then it could be your glasses need fixin'!""
"
"an elf, so the legends report,
is pointy-eared, spritely and short.
i know some find them cute.
please don't think me a brute,
but i'd probably shoot them for sport.
"
"you should ""get down and boogie,"" they say.
but where can one get down today?
well, if you're in luck,
you can find a soft duck
called an eider, and just pluck away!
"
"take a rope and a tree and a wall
and a spear and a serpent and all,
grab a bag of thick skin,
and then stuff them all in.
it's an elephant! don't you feel small?
"
"i too have an ego ideal?
a type of a person i feel
that i ought to be,
'cause he's better than me,
and i feel like i'm such a shlemiel.
"
"electroshock therapy clears
the static between people's ears.
a small shock to the brain
can reduce mental pain,
but it's hard to recruit volunteers.
"
"electrolysis?some think it petty,
but it worked for a woman named betty.
it removed all the hair
from her here and her there.
now she no longer feels like a yeti.
"
"when proselytized by some fool,
an atheist lost all his cool.
he snatched up a cleaver
and cleaved the believer,
saying, ""now pray to god for renewal.""
"
"a self-described shaman named mitch
tried impressing a crusty old witch.
displaying a broom,
she said, ""fly 'round the room,
you absurd new age sonofabitch.""
"
"an amorous fellow named benton
propositioned a young girl from trenton.
she said, ""never, you cad.
all my love is for dad!""
(daddy's now getting his in san quentin.)
"
"the closeted reverend haggard
was a vile, hypocritical blackguard,
and through each passing year,
he denounced all things queer.
now the scandal has left his flock staggered.
"
"ascendance is dominance; might.
it's about who's on top, not who's right.
as we jockey for power
through each striving hour,
the ascend-dance goes on through the night.
"
"drug warrior, i find it queer
that you're hooked on your ciggies and beer
as you jail those who choose
drugs less lethal to use.
your hypocrisy stands without peer!
"
"dog fancier, i just don't get
how a person can worship a pet.
as you hug, stroke and smooch
your preposterous pooch,
i'm craving a canine croquette.
"
"the word list presents me with aurin?
neglected thus far 'cause it's borin'.
it's just a red dye
made from phenol.  oh my!
just writing this thing's got me snorin'!
"
"""dodecasyllabic"" sounds nice,
but take my poetic advice:
twelve syllables are
too many by far
for a limerick line.  be concise!
"
"big business can make us all pay
through a hell of a big ""dba.""
by whatever the name,
they're running the game,
doing business as ""u.s. of a.""
"
"let us praise dryopithecus!  she,
pre-gorilla and pre-chimpanzee,
from the miocene stage
to the pliocene age,
was mother of them, you and me.
"
"""what's up with those bells?  no-one's dead!""
yelled our glowering bandmaster, ted.
""that's far too funereal?
it should be ethereal.
use the glock, you big blockhead, instead!""
"
"""in my kastle today i haf fount
lots off gold?reckon up ze amount,
und zen dracula tell.""
but the teller just fell
to the floor, so she's out for the count.
"
"greatest bleach in the world! said the label,
but i thought it a mere adman's fable.
i attempted to test it
by cleaning my cesspit?
alas, it proved wholly unable.
"
"you look new. let me show you our school.
here's the gym, there's the labs, that's the pool.
here's a room full of geeks
of which no-one else speaks:
it's the chess club, and very uncool.
"
"mr crabtree's just taken a pot
(with the $5 rifle he got
in the sales) at a blind
crippled beggar?you'll find
that in every sense that's a cheap shot.
"
"of all the horns sax players carry,
only one of them's able to marry
an appearance arcane
with a sound so insane?
that's the big, bad, bold beast called the bari.
"
"rachel's sour and unpleasant?a hater
of all?thus, acidic i'd rate her. . .
yet this test says that rach
has a basic ph?
what a poor acid-base indicator!
"
"in the states, they're referred to as chimes,
which can cause great confusion at times,
'cause in europe they're tu-
bular bells?but the u.
s. expression works better in rhymes.
"
"a man who writes limericks?  that's him.
he indulges each day in that whim.
this man is no stranger
to peril and danger?
he spends his time out on a lim.
"
"dr. jim knew his project was failing?
he knew not the ph of his saline.
so he cut to the chase:
""get the pink acid-base
indicator!"" ""the what?"" ""phenolphthalein!""
"
"after having been mugged, my friend keith
had no sword he could pull from its sheath.
so he walks through his rounds
with dentigerous hounds.
i admit that's a plan that has teeth.
"
"a word's suffix is something essential:
grammatically, it's differential,
like the ending that's added
to pad to make padded;
such endings are called desinential.
"
"a closer, when facing a hitter,
said, ""i can't throw a cutter or splitter.
i don't have a tutor
like mo or like sutter.
i'm better off throwing a spitter.""
"
"dactyliological things
can be worthy of popes or of kings.
not feeling so knowledgey?
dactyliology
merely means ""study of rings.""
"
"for oedilfers, the rules compositional
are in general mostly traditional.
standard syllables stressed
are of course for the best.
but just make the damn thing definitional!
"
"an obscure word is cognominations.
it refers to those short appellations
with which ""malcolm the maiden""
or ""the bald"" charles were laden,
that describe someone's traits or vocations.
"
"to arouse her he'd have to try harder,
so he took some mo?t from the larder.
his mission was plain:
he kept pouring champagne
till the girl bubbled over with ardor.
"
"the free-trade agreement called cafta
is much like the previous nafta.
the countries that signed
all have tariffs in mind:
if they don't wanna pay, they don't hafta.
"
"convect is a verb that's a form
of convection?when molecules swarm
through a fluid or air
back and forth, here and there,
till a place that was cold becomes warm.
"
"to cultivate (verb): farm or grow;
to encourage; to culture; to sow;
to foster; promote;
nourish; rear; keep afloat.
said of plants, or a friend, or a foe.
"
"an immune response meant to protect you
from a virus that tries to infect you.
antibodies? no, none?
the entire job is done
by your t-cells.  (i had to correct you.)
"
"one who drinks 'til he falls to the floor,
or an angling device, like a lure?
no?to me, the word chugger
means ""charity mugger"",
a bloke you'd be wise to ignore.
"
"a man with three buttocks?what, three?
that's so weird. . . yet intriguing.  dear me. . .
may we sneak, so to speak,
a quick peek at your. . . cheek?
cheeky, us? not at all: bbc.
"
"in the tropics, you might 'scape malaria,
but the waters contain the cercaria.
tiny, fork-tailed and mean,
he'll make straight for your spleen,
after which we can't do much but bury ya.
"
"a musician, he's par excellence, gents,
rated superbe throughout la belle france, hence
brassmen everywhere play
all his tunes to this day?
no omissions, no shortcuts, no nonsense.
"
"there once was a young man so snivelly
that no one could speak to him civilly.
we just called him an ass?
hey, i'm sorry it's crass,
but whenever he spoke it was drivelly.
"
"with his arteries narrowed (stenotic),
james's blood took routes anastomotic.
now, according to jim,
it's engorged the wrong limb,
which is awkward, but rather erotic.
"
"if you're cutting 'twixt ribs, please beware
of the bottom of each rib, for there
the thin costal groove serves
as a channel for nerves,
veins and arteries?surgeons, take care!
"
"said the platypus, ""tenderloin steak'll
do you nothing but harm. chocolate cake'll
make you worse?look at me,
i can't lay eggs or pee,
for they've blocked up my region cloacal.""
"
"""our professors are trying to kill us!""
cried a medical student named phyllis.
""we'll be driven insane
learning how the whole brain
gets its blood through the circle of willis.""
"
"when your schlong won't get long for conjunction,
they call it erectile dysfunction.
the doctors may name it,
but who's gonna claim it?
it's time for a most extreme unction.
"
"out of adam's own rib eve was bred,
and not long after that they were wed.
now she gives him no rest.
yes, it might have been best
had he barbecued that rib instead.
"
"esperanto, devised as a boon,
meant to help the whole world speak in tune,
is the language of unity,
global community,
kaj ?i similas tiun.
"
"equal rights?a no-brainer, you say?
it's an era of freedom today?
but alas, it's a pity
that fear of a titty
has made them delay era!
"
"the upper-class lady who gloats
as she shows off expensive fur coats
doesn't know that the ermine
is a weaselly vermin.
she's wearing the skins of dead stoats!
"
"m.c. escher's mathematical knowing
is seen in his art's patterned flowing,
with white birds or fish
that all come as they wish
and the black correspondingly going.
"
"respiration involves inhalation
continuing till its cessation,
when our fast-cooling meat
matches ambient heat
on the date of our great expiration.
"
"remember the honeymoon sex?
then all of the wrecks and bounced checks?
you began with high hope,
then the slippery slope
turned your ""life partner"" into your ex.
"
"all you reptiles and birds in your youth
(in the egg) should take heed of this truth:
sad to say, but i fear
it's a jungle out here!
stay unhatched; don't deploy your egg tooth.
"
"egotistically strutting, they try
to outdo every other vain guy.
all these narcissists should
(well, if only they could)
be a fraction as modest as i.
"
"the sea cliffs of greenland seem best
to the barnacle goose for a nest.
but to see mom and pop,
down that treacherous drop,
carry goslings leaves watchers impressed!
"
"a bank shot is hardly direct.
what you need is a thing to deflect
the course of your ball,
like a backboard or wall,
to obtain the desired effect.
"
"as the shuttlecock flies to and fro,
as the tennis ball's lobbed pro to pro,
as a pair of good chatters
trade quips on light matters,
so bandying goes: quid pro quo!
"
"a metric's a measure, exact,
and though baths are quite shallow, in fact
grecian bathy means deep,
so sea scientists keep
bathymetrics on depths they extract.
"
"photosynthesis, for some bacteria,
meets their energy making criteria,
and the protein bacteri-
orhodopsin, in theory,
stocks the energy-food cafeteria.
"
"letter bs are the ones that are twos,
not the first, but the second you choose.
but let me explain:
if type b's in your vein,
it's your first choice for blood to transfuse.
"
"every band wants great sound when they're live
so their show will succeed and survive,
and a sounding board back,
scallop-shaped, is on track.
yes, a band shell will help them to thrive.
"
"in the place where your floor meets your wall
is a space insect pests like to crawl.
let a baseboard provide
somewhere safe they can hide,
and you won't have to see them at all!
"
"when a gal's fast and loose, there's no shame:
she's a whiz at the hand-sewing game!
her basting is quick,
and it's not meant to stick.
she'll pull stitches as fast as they came!
"
"sonora's hot desert produces
a few prickly plants, with few uses.
but one's a life saver,
no matter the flavor:
barrel cactus, with watery juices.
"
"start at c, go to c#, then d,
d# (eb), e, f, f#, g,
g# (ab), then a,
bb, b, and then. . . hey!
you've just played a chromatic on c!
"
"if you drink, due to some predilection,
dirty water, your lungs, on dissection,
may be found to possess
a huge abscess, no less:
an acanthamoeba infection.
"
"a cell cannot think, laugh or lie;
it just is and, when told to, will die?
through, perhaps, apoptosis
(far worse is necrosis?
the cell just gets murdered. . . poor guy).
"
"they said to me, ""son, listen here:
now for rhyme you've an excellent ear,
but that anapest metre
could be made a lot sweeter?
your attitude towards it is nothing less than cavalier.""
"
"our mexican friend, zenatobia,
saw ""wow"" painted on an adobe?a
word so palindromic,
it gave her a comic
but nasty disease: aibohphobia.
"
"while guarding all civilized nations,
our naval men suffer privations:
their wishes are vetoed,
and when they're torpedoed,
they have to assume action stations.
"
"a bandbox, he thought, might hold bands,
either rubber or brass, or from hands
(as in wedding), but no!
he espies a chapeau.
it's a hatbox, he now understands!
"
"at the end of world war number two,
romances were kindled anew.
when the couples exulted,
many offspring resulted.
baby boomers had made their debut.
"
"in pool halls, your cue ball's first mission
is starting in kitchen position.
that's somewhere behind
the balkline, defined
by two diamonds, in billiard tradition.
"
"a racetrack has two rounded bends.
out of each one a straight track extends:
now the backstretch is far
from where spectators are,
while the homestretch is where the race ends.
"
"there's a scent you can't beat in the shed:
summer-sweet, new-mown hay to be fed
through the winter's short days.
when the horses can't graze,
we'll break open baled hay-bricks instead.
"
"though aboveboard's the best kind of dealing,
some contacts require concealing.
as a good work-around,
secret agents have found
that back channels can be quite appealing.
"
"if you're thinkin' she's on the back burner,
cast aside, no more pride, 'cause you spurn 'er,
think again. she's still hot,
like a simmering pot,
and she'll bubble for one who can churn 'er.
"
"invading infections are prone
to defeat by a champion, known
to be primed for the fight,
like a classic white knight:
it's b lymphocyte, bred in the bone.
"
"indonesia's wild swine is cut out,
if he's male, to grow tusks through his snout.
it's a look that's atrocious,
but also ferocious.
babirusa, a pig with some clout!
"
"when a gene, in a burst of elation,
makes a change to its very formation,
then reverses that change,
there's a term, not too strange,
that geneticists use: back mutation.
"
"in the vitamin world, here's the scoop:
it is much like an alphabet soup,
and of b there's a lot,
because simple it's not.
the b complex is really a group.
"
"a babbitted ball bearing's coat
is an alloy of tin. you may note
the inventor's good name,
in eponymous fame,
on this metal he helped to promote.
"
"mom and dad said they found it fulfilling
to date at a nice double billing.
the b picture was cheap,
and it put mom to sleep
on dad's shoulder, which he thought quite thrilling.
"
"""we are amply supplied,"" my host stated.
""food and wine i'll provide till you're sated,
for i hate running out.
it's the sign of a lout!
being frugal is way overrated.""
"
"bibliography, glossary, notes:
these are things that an author promotes,
for his ego grows fatter
with thicker back matter,
an index of how much he gloats.
"
"there's a place above granite and chert
and beneath where the earthworms convert
fallen leaves into loam.
in its mid-level home,
b horizon is lower than dirt.
"
"with the second world war finally through,
baby boomers made quite a debut,
but the birth rate fell off.
in the depths of the trough,
baby busters were born (just a few).
"
"there once was a gal from la porte,
long before there was push-up or sport,
who said, ""i'm not vain,
but bras are too plain:
my bandeaux give my girls some support.""
"
"most conifers don't shed their leaves,
but one swamp-dweller does, and achieves
its reknown from the trait,
for bald cypress's fate
is foretold in the name it receives.
"
"should your knee have a bad dislocation,
or your ankles severe inflammation ?
if you've been down and out ?
then without any doubt,
you'll be pleased to resume ambulation.
"
"when an ice hockey team on attack
lets the puck get away, the whole pack
must defend their own goal,
and the backchecker's role
falls to each of them while they skate back.
"
"a barrier island is land
between shoreline and sea, and it's sand!
that can lead to dismay
when storms sweep it away,
leaving less than the homeowners planned.
"
"barnyard grass is a coarse kind of weed,
not first choice as an animal feed.
it's a pest in your fields
and reduces crop yields.
not just it, but your farm, goes to seed!
"
"flame-hued wings show the monarch tastes bad,
but the good-tasting viceroy is clad
just the same, and that gimmick
(a batesian mimic)
keeps the harmless one safe. (aren't you glad?)
"
"first you're in, then you're out, now you're back.
it was, ""yes,"" now it's, ""no."" what you lack
is decision duration.
just stop vacillation!
forget back and fill: get on track!
"
"the current moves boats where it will,
and adjusting your sails takes some skill.
to keep craft in the center
of rivers you enter,
use a method that's called back and fill.
"
"it's unfair to belittle or bait
senior folk who st. peter await.
such terms as ""old codger,""
""old git,"" ""coffin-dodger,""
are ageist and patently grate.
"
"the agoraphobic is scared
of social events open-aired,
and would much rather stay
stuck indoors every day,
embarrassment thus to be spared.
"
"make no bones, you'll not get an apology;
i always will love archaeology.
each fossil i sift,
every one's a free gift.
(but i am sorry 'bout that tautology!)
"
"what a waste, all those hours we've toiled!
all those poems in which we're embroiled!
i can state quite emphatically,
anagrammatically,
surely oedilf will be foiled!
"
"apiculture? the keeping of bees.
it's easy. in fact, it's a breeze.
there's plenty of money
in harvesting honey;
your bank will think you're the bee's knees!
"
"affectionless? that is my wife,
when she screams at me, ""oh, get a life!""
as i spend ""nights on end""
getting limericks penned,
causing nothing but marital strife.
"
"i'm penitent, ain't slept all night,
i'm regretful, remorseful, contrite.
i'll grovel pathetically,
apologetically,
ruefully, ""sorry, alright!""
"
"a well-designed aqueduct oughtta
slope downhill for carrying water.
the romans, of course,
knew of gravity's force,
so they'd make one support slightly shorter.
"
"some acrostical limericks are smart;
the first of each line plays a part.
as each one's initial
reads down, it's official:
the last word you'll find at the ...
"
"acrylic, or else thermoplastic,
for shop signs is rather fantastic.
it's stuff one could use
in paints and in glues,
in dentistry, fabrics, and mastic.
"
"more tonus in blood vessel walls:
pressure rises. (you'd rather it falls.)
active vasoconstriction
is, alas, not a fiction,
so expect to make more doctors' calls.
"
"to avoid economic stagnation
as well as high rates of inflation,
we ought to give thanks
for the fed's (central bank's)
central role in the prime rate's creation.
"
"the fans of the cellular phone
are observed to be commonly prone
to broadcast their trivia
and generally give ya
good reason to hate their ringtone.
"
"for male jewish babies, a bris
is a time to remove some of this
unsanctified foreskin.
some wish they had more skin,
but it shouldn't affect how they piss.
"
"good things come, so they say, if you wait
and forbear to complain of your fate.
although one such abider
said, after she died, her
own patience ran out far too late.
"
"enslavers could grant manumission
and to win it was each slave's ambition,
but to free ones and twos
was hardly good news
compared to complete abolition.
"
"all the show business types are abuzz 
with what (who) some celebrity does.
on and on they all natter.
they gossip and chatter,
not caring just what the truth was.
"
"a scotsman from west aberdeenshire
when dining was offered some beans or
a plateful of haggis.
""to fart or to gag is
my evident fate,"" said the lean sir.
"
"an acid reaction, he said,
changes blue litmus paper to red.
""it's not a bad trip,"" he
informed an old hippie,
""so don't let it go to your head.""
"
"since your trustworthy aide has abetted,
you're likely to feel quite indebted.
but he's helped you do wrong,
so it may not be long
'til the cops have the both of you netted.
"
"at the moment, i should be at work,
but instead, i'm just having a shirk,
because limerick writing
i find more exciting.
(the wife finds out, she'll go berserk!)
"
"an apologue follows the trail
of beasts, be they minnow or whale.
old aesop a few did,
most fauna included,
from mice to a fox with no tail.
"
"would apnoea be repetition,
as we've apnea done, in this mission?
since it could lead to death,
better not hold your breath
while you wait for a new definition.
"
"aphonia's the loss of one's voice,
to a whisper, below a rolls-royce.
it would be very nice
if that awful posh spice
would contract it, and then i'd rejoice!
"
"an aperture is a small hole
in a camera, the ""stop"" its control.
the more light revealed,
the less depth of field.
get it right, or you'll waste the whole roll.
"
"strap a packsaddle (un aparejo),
on a burro's back; hasta luego!
(for your comfort, se?or,
don't forget, por favor,
to stuff it with moss or with hay, though!)
"
"define actorish? some so-called ""star,""
hanging 'round in a theatre bar,
who invariably tends,
with his thespian friends,
to exclaim: ""lovey dahling! mwah! mwah!""
"
"akan's a tongue from the kwa
whose use doesn't stretch very far.
the ivory coast
and ghana, at most,
are where those who converse in it are.
"
"an archduke, when all's said and done,
is an austrian emperor's son.
it's a life full of grace,
but in ferdinand's case,
he got shot, starting off world war one.
"
"the african elephant appears
to be almost extinct. there are fears,
like its indian cousin,
there'll be just a few dozen
within a mere matter of years.
"
"""the closed-circuit tv from the ranch'll
clearly prove you were there.  special branch'll
say you walked that direction.""
""your honour, objection!
ignore that, it's all circumstantial!""
"
"if you stroll with a smile, you walk cheerfully.
if i fill you with fright, you act fearfully.
if you're drunk to the gills
due to lager or pils,
tell me please, do you stagger home beerfully?
"
"poison gases and venom-tipped darts?
when you're hit by the latter, it smarts.
things can really get sore where
there's chemical warfare?
by ""gases,"" i don't just mean farts.
"
"what's the time?  is it 3?  cowabunga!
time for tmnt?got a hunga
for pizza and pop;
rock on turtles, don't stop!
this was written when i was much younga.
"
"""there's my cobra.""  that seemed to alarm her.
so i sang to him?now he won't harm her.
he lowered his hood
and slunk homewards.  ""you're good!""
she cried, kissing me.  aren't i a charmer?
"
"""jack the knife"" is my nickname. hello.
no i'm not the great diver you know.
that's a common mistake
that the french always make
when i say, ""je m'appelle jacques couteau.""
"
"""i jes' don't like the way they portray
all us rednecks on tv today.
makin' fun of our speech?
that's a dang stupid cliche!""
""the word, my dear sir, is clich?.""
"
"king alcinous gave seven truck-
loads of gold to ulysses?what luck!
then poseidon saw red,
and the crew (homer said)
could just cry, in their fright, ""what the...?""
"
"when my metre and rhyme go astray,
this guy fixes them up straightaway.
he (my w.e.)
has so much nrg
that i call him ""acetyl coa"".
"
"is this border a line between nations,
using brushes as fortifications?
no, of course?don't be silly!
it's just microvilli
that cells use for mass transportations.
"
"a bushel's four pecks of some stuff,
and four pecks of it's likely enough.
with your help on one side,
it lifts easily. i'd
find to lift it alone rather tough.
"
"to bury is simply to hide
in the ground what would stink left outside.
since our loved ones lie there,
let us hide them with care,
and make sense of the reason they died.
"
"a mind like a sieve? fret no more.
aides-m?moire are a way to restore.
you won't have to think twice,
with some note or device.
it's french. i've forgotten what for.
"
"the ambrosia beetle eats fungus.
(the amount they consume is humungous!)
you might think that they would
have preferred some rice pud,
but none do, of (at least) those among us.
"
"in landscape art, aerial perspective
as a method is rather subjective.
it's a rendering of shades
in a series of fades,
to give depth, which i find most effective.
"
"arachnoid's an entry that tends
to confuse. what's it mean? that depends.
""fibrous membrane"" the lord
built 'round each spinal cord,
or ""resembling our eight-legged friends.""
"
"would an austrian pine for the schilling
if in euros to trade he's unwilling?
you what? it's a tree?
oh well. pardon me!
(my meaning i found more fulfilling!)
"
"asphalt jungle? it means urban sprawl,
with factories, houses, the mall,
choking fumes, lots of noise,
and da hood's local ""boyz""
spraying so-called ""street art"" on the wall.
"
"assonant's meaning addressed?
""same vowels, successively stressed.""
you want an example?
a very quick sample?
i'd tilting at windmills suggest.
"
"in sussex, on england's south coast,
there's a place where posh residents boast.
asked, ""is this brighton, factually?""
they say, ""no, hove actually!""
(a frightfully snobby riposte!)
"
"acts are papers that serve legal ends;
a new testament book; or pretends;
things done every day;
different bits of a play;
a dyslexic aelurophile's friends.
"
"amyotrophic lateral sclerosis
is an illness with no good prognosis.
like lou gehrig, you may,
sadly, just waste away,
no matter how potent the dose is.
"
"the ""earth pig"" or aardvark eats ants
and all termites that teem in advance
of the tubular snout
that he pokes in and out
of their nests, with a burrowing stance.
"
"an accounting profit actually is
cash-in-hand that you made in your biz,
not your dream asking price.
oh, that would've been nice;
still, the money should make you less miz.
"
"measurement, admensuration
differ only by fancification.
the meanings are fused,
so the latter's not used
(unless it's for sly obfuscation).
"
"common stock might be seen as absurd
by the buyers who go for ""preferred.""
their payoff comes first
after bubbles have burst.
worms belong to the earliest bird.
"
"a politico's famed common touch
to his critics means not very much.
those 4 cs for a trim
might reveal more of him
than intended. he's outed, as such.
"
"dressers, bags, boxes, shelves, or a trunk
all provide easy storage for junk,
and my open coat closet
displays a deposit
that would put merry maids in a funk.
"
"a company union is one
that a boss will endorse and then run.
contradiction in terms?
still, attractive to firms
that have fought the class war and have won.
"
"when told to acquire common shares
to improve your financial affairs,
you just might be deterred
from both those and preferred
if you can't tell the bulls from the bears.
"
"a companion, old rome would've said,
is a person with whom you break bread.
but our more recent ways
favor overnight stays?
and she'll likely want breakfast in bed.
"
"in an age much more biblioclastic
than ours?oft derided as plastic?
critics fiercer, though fewer,
threw books in the sewer.
they hoped to make minds less elastic.
"
"an activist can be confusing
or even, at best, quite amusing;
he's sure to perplex ya
when due to dyslexia
it's ""make love, not raw"" he's enthusing.
"
"there's a joint here in town named club space,
but it's really a horrible place.
though the food is just fine
and the music's divine,
the ambiance? barely a trace.
"
"the lighthouse up there on the left?
of meaning, it seems quite bereft.
it alludes to nantucket
(and nan and her bucket.)
to know this, you'd need to be deft.
"
"although drought makes the sycamores cough,
at an arborist's counsel we scoff.
but he lays their roots bare
to water and air,
and this ablaqueation pays off.
"
"when the absence of motion and heat,
without question, is really complete,
it's absolute zero,
as low as can be low,
the final entropic defeat.
"
"my thesis just couldn't prevail.
the reviewers all deemed it quite stale.
""your topic,"" they said,
""deals with just '-ing' and '-ed,'
and that's far too affixal.  you fail.""
"
"i'm quite fond of a plant-killing spree.
though a pro, i would murder for free.
when i find a fish tank
which with algae is rank,
adding algicide gives me much glee.
"
"if you told me that moles were acrotic,
i'd think you were quite idiotic.
since they're usually found
living deep underground,
they'd find surfaces highly exotic.
"
"an acanthoid man enters a bar
'cause that's where the ladies all are.
but his shape (like a thorn)
is met solely with scorn.
the women fear getting a scar.
"
"in the year numbered 1913,
to see if one's hearing was keen
doc p made a tool
which was really quite cool;
his acoumeter's tick reigned as queen.
"
"this cynanchum is long and aesthetic
but has limited use dietetic:
it's an african vine
whose appearance is fine,
but its roots, you should know, are emetic.
"
"cyclogenesis: cyclones begin.
warm air rises; cool air rushes in.
the earth turns; air that's warm
picks up moisture; clouds form;
air's forced upwards with powerful spin.
"
"""don't shake that!"" burst out auntie ann.
""too bad!"" i snapped back as i ran.
then i burst out in laughter
just one moment after
the soda burst out of the can.
"
"count the beats of the pulse: there are two,
for each heartbeat that's counted anew.
that's dicrotal, dicrotic,
or dicrotous?chaotic!
why have three words when one word will do?
"
"i have argued with growing frustration
about using the word dissentation:
it's dissension with -tay-
and takes longer to say
without offering due compensation.
"
"over workouts i'm really obsessing
and my depriment muscles are stressing.
such a one, to digress, is
just one that depresses.
but mine are so weak it's depressing.
"
"though his will to press weights had been drifting
now he finds that his attitude's shifting.
to be using his muscles
attollent, he hustles.
they're making his workouts uplifting.
"
"bad quartos of shakespeare that cling
to odd errors of text still would bring
many printers big money.
though goofs could be funny,
who cares, since ""the pay is the thing.""
"
"a clause that's dependent is one
that, alone, feels a bit underdone.
in this sentence complete,
if you go and delete
this one here, what is left will have none.
"
"he was working construction quite shirtlessly
when she strode right on by him quite flirtlessly.
and then nothing went on
and by now they're both gone,
and i've mentioned this scene quite desertlessly.
"
"they were burnt in the flames just before
their hot ashes were raked, and what's more,
at the stake life delayed
forty minutes. they prayed
till unconsciousness opened death's door.
"
"agnizing's admitting you know
a fact to be true even though
you really don't care,
and that lie over there
you'd agnize, if some say that it's so.
"
"the good brahmans are priests from a caste.
they're nonviolent. this structure should last,
since their wives would be pure
so their children are sure
that they're part of their father's proud past.
"
"a burl is a growth on a tree.
long ago it was wounded, and we
know the tree likely thinks
that this knotty lump stinks.
as veneer, though, it's pleasant to see.
"
"a cute bird with thick bill to crack seeds,
that's the bullfinch. it helps control weeds.
""it's a sparrow,"" you say,
but the finch says, ""no way!""
it's respect that this tiny bird needs.
"
"a tobacco called burley is grown
in kentucky, air-cured, and it's known
for its light-colored leaves.
the bright life-slayer weaves
through the smoke a dark cough that's your own.
"
"that brain-picker's picking my brain
to extract what i know for his gain,
but i'm brainless and don't
have a clue, and i won't
even hint what he gets is inane.
"
"a merchant who lived long ago
in a town was a burgher and so
was not something you'd eat.
those fat buns and ground meat?
that's a burger, in case you don't know.
"
"her broodiness means she won't lay.
she is moody, reclusive. she'll stay
right on top till the end.
as each egg cracks, she'll bend
to consume the hatched life right away.
"
"burladeros are places to go
when the bull's giving chase, and you know
he might prick you today.
while you sweat, you might pray.
still he knows he must die, soon and slow.
"
"a bracero helps out on the farm.
he's from mexico, manly, with charm,
and his children and wife
he supports with his life,
and his work, so they come to no harm.
"
"aetiology wants to know why
all that is is the way it is. i
do not actually care,
but suspect that somewhere
there's a cause i could blame if i try.
"
"they'll bug off when you tell them to ""shoo!""
they're like flies who've been chewing on you.
then they'll leave you alone
while you moan and you groan,
but you know they'll be back later, too.
"
"they said brainlessly's how i would do it,
and they laughed to see how i got through it.
""go do it once more.
make us laugh like before.""
so i did, and they did, and i knew it.
"
"there's a broad church for anglicans, though
it's the high church where we choose to go,
since we're purer than they,
but who knows whom god may
choose to love from above down below.
"
"you might buy off a guy when you pay
him some cash to hide something away,
but he's back for some more ?
hear the knock on the door?
choked with hatred, you've not much to say.
"
"a braconid's that kind of fly,
one whose larvae eat larvae. would i
consume monkeys or apes?
each close species escapes
being turned into something i'd fry.
"
"alimentative food is the best,
since it nourishes, unlike the rest
of the junk that i eat
(though that junk can taste sweet),
but with luck even junk will digest.
"
"all those chemical changes were done
without life taking part in the fun.
""abiotic is best!""
all the non-life professed,
""when you're dead, we'll have only begun.""
"
"aerotropism's how a plant grows
when it follows as oxygen flows.
when it's faced with a blight
or it's flooded, it might
reach for air, as its growth pattern shows.
"
"in hunting down facts, like a sleuth,
i found things i believed as a youth
were just factoids, not fact;
they conveniently lacked
one important ingredient: truth.
"
"fort sumter's defense: aimed first shot.
at gettysburg: there on the spot.
it's open and shut
that he did this stuff, but
invent baseball? he damn well did not!
"
"since my youth i have wanted to spin dough
to make pizza, but somehow my thin dough
made patrons agree
to defenestrate me
and my dream's going right out the window.
"
"an enantiomorphic connection
resembles a mirror's reflection.
the form of the first
is the second, reversed.
you've a pair close at hand for inspection.
"
"to determine this meaning insightfully,
note the prefix and suffixes rightfully.
thus the -ful- and the -ly
are as usual; de-
here means nothing: it's shoved in despitefully.	
"
"invent baseball? the congress has said it:
alexander j. cartwright gets credit.
they think that this error can
show baseball's american,
but what congress has writ, they should edit.
"
"the seducer don juan had no shame
and an epithet's made of his name.
but don juan (by byron),
seduced by a siren,
is hardly the one you should blame.
"
"he's dolichocephalic; his case
makes him sad and he feels in disgrace.
it means that he's long-headed;
thus it is wrongheaded
asking him, ""why the long face?""
"
"""you have dalrymple's sign,"" the doc raves.
""your top eyelid no doubt misbehaves.
it retracts; on that side
your eye opens too wide.
i'm afraid your condition is graves'!""
"
"when baseball was at its beginning,
it was aces that made for teams winning.
but one ace (now a run)
was too few; twenty-one
won  the game, in no matter what inning.
"
"i'm sorry?you can't be advancing
when all that you're doing is dancing.
to whirl round and round
will gain you no ground,
as you're just pirouetting and prancing.
"
"accounting cost: cost of producing
a company's goods, introducing
no enron-like guesses.
instead it possesses
an accuracy most find seducing.
"
"when a person wears casual clothes
that aren't fit for the places she goes,
her activewear's not
apropos, but she's got
a great need to relax, i suppose.
"
"for dieters, celery sticks
unadorned are quite often their picks.
for me, they're unutt'rable
unless peanut-butt'rable.
even then, they'll provoke many ""icks.""
"
"of the months, april is the most cruel,
if you use t.s. eliot's rule.
it's (according to chaucer)
a pilgrimage-causer,
though it tends to be rainy and cool.
"
"when a singer releases a ""best-of"",
for consumers it's either a test of
obsessive collecting
or simply selecting
from stuff that they don't like the rest of.
"
"in medical science, not rocket,
to bind with a gene and then block it,
just use your best guess or
an active repressor.
and if you ain't tried it, don't knock it.
"
"the definitive bibliophile
stashes books beyond count in a pile.
though it might seem outrageous
to read all those pages,
it's kept her amused for a while.
"
"a celebrity party included
the famous and infamous, duded
up in their best clothes.
for actresses, those
made them seem they were almost denuded.
"
"a student of some advanced standing
has satisfied teachers demanding
that by hook or by crook
he knows more than the book
and he's earned the degree that he's landing.
"
"see, the thing about hedgehogs and snails
is in heat, their efficiency fails.
so they use aestivation
which is like hibernation
but reversed; they skip summer's travails.
"
"my name used to make machines flee.
'twasn't alphanumeric, you see.
they'd say ""input name? _____""
and then burst into flame
when i'd type ""m-colon-slash-a-t-t.""
"
"if you find that you'd like to alight,
what you do at the start is take flight.
if you land without grace
(on your rear or your face)
then you haven't alighted, alright?
"
"though webster's claims dogs can be called
with ""alloo,"" i became quite appalled
when i tried it and found
that producing this sound
summoned canines, but then i got mauled.
"
"the dealer turned down a van gogh.
""he was human!  alive!  no, no, no!
works made by machine
are now rocking the scene;
abiogenic is how we must go!""
"
"my husband's a foul-looking guy
so i'm having affairs on the sly.
i've got needs, i've got eyes;
now i've got some hot guys.
they say ""love has ablepsy."" ? a lie!
"
"""adenovirus!"" the doctor proclaimed,
""that is surely the bug to be blamed
for your consternation,
impaired respiration,
and those things in your throat ? so inflamed!""
"
"my senator's flip-flops impress
with their frequency  (not their success.)
""on the one hand,"" he'll say;
""on the other"" next day.
he must be ambidextrous i guess.
"
"my uncle is quite like a hawk.
not of eyesight nor mien do i talk.
his accipitral trait
is one far less sedate.
he eats rodent and snake ? please don't gawk.
"
"an abohm's not too hard to resist.
""it's quite like an ohm,"" declares nist,
""but the challenge to the charge
isn't nearly as large.
just divide by a billion and twist.""
"
"a buckle's to hold your belt tight
so your pants don't slide down since the sight
of you standing there bare,
where the ladies can stare,
isn't what you get paid for tonight.
"
"i'm a happy old brainwasher who
shifts your mind till my truth is what's true.
and i'll make you see why
your new truth is no lie.
""the earth's flat!""?now you're happier, too.
"
"in his break-dance, he's down on the floor.
he's an acrobat. rap music's for
all those moves he can do!
how we wish we could, too,
but we can't?so we hope he'll dance more.
"
"the alcids are birds who like fish.
beware, all you swimmers who swish.
from above they attack.
underwater they lack
much restraint. they'll have fish on their dish.
"
"advising's a wonderful way
to get you to do what i say.
i suggest that you do
just what i want you to ?
you won't? ? i'll keep yapping all day.
"
"a brooklet's a small sort of brook
where the water flows. ""come, take a look.""
""but how small can it be?""
""i can jump it, you see!""
but he slipped with the last step he took.
"
"a brainish man won't use his brain,
or perhaps he's gone briefly insane,
since he thinks without blinking
and acts without thinking.
he's losing much more than he'd gain.
"
"""he's greenish and wet, and i fear
that his roots haven't grown much out here.
tell me! what shall i do?
will this boyfriend be true?""
""he is algoid, not humanoid, dear.""
"
"with a bunker mentality, we
won't consider that you'd ever be
in the right, since your blame
could consume us with shame.
so what truth you may prove, we won't see.
"
"he farted, which started the air
to rush over here, over there.
an aeriferous vent
took the scent as it went,
and it fouled where it went without care.
"
"the old fisherman cast out his line
to catch fish upon which he would dine.
he is angling to stay
on the water all day,
'cause at home all his wife does is whine!
"
"take courteous foreign relations
and pair them with like aspirations;
add sharing the best
of all jokes east to west,
and we'll strengthen our comity of nations!
"
"if your fingers you nervously fidget,
or you're constantly changing some widget,
violins you can tame,
or you gain by false claim,
you have fiddled around like some idget!
"
"he's a man with a mouth like a sewer,
and he's dirty and smells like manure,
and he likes obscene flicks,
so this word i'll affix:
he exemplifies filthy, for sure!
"
"for years as i've written, i've read
how my meter was sinking like lead.
it's not a delusion?
i've reached the conclusion
i'm just too damn thick in the head!
"
"this green, glossy shrub simply peeves me.
its common name clearly deceives me.
chinese pea tree? a tree
on which chinese folk pee?
(neither mother nor father believes me.)
"
"it's a village, and also its cheeses,
as well as a surname? oh, please, is
the name at least common?
it's not?  this lim's bombin'
and smells like cabrales cheese breezes!
"
"salty tears of the doomed, sad and railing,
are what formed as ""the river of wailing.""
those who can't pay the fare
are stuck wandering there
on the banks of cocytus, travailing.
"
"by cocytus, the ghosts groan and greet us:
""this underworld river's sho' beat us!
we's stuck walkin' round
on deez banks underground
cuz we cain't raise da cash so's yo'll seat us!""
"
"the calidrids, typical waders,
have sensitive bill tips: each caters
to digging for prey
that are buried away.
busy sandpipers' beaks are invaders.
"
"flamboyant's the word that i wrote.
now she thinks i'm a silly old goat.
""to make myself clear,
i meant flashy, my dear.
i did not mean a lie that can float.""
"
"a woman named abigail park,
whose knowledge tree's missing some bark,
thinks a flambeau's a mate
who deceives on a date.
(it's a torch, but she's still in the dark.)
"
"""what's a flasher?"" dim doris asked ted.
""it's a light that just blinks or, instead,
it's a trench-coated fool,
like me, showing his tool.""
""when's it gonna start blinking?"" she said.
"
"the director said, ""do you concur
with my choice to add sounds here, monsieur?""
""after hearing the track
of effects playing back,
i must foley agree with you, sir!""
"
"because of the foia,
the u.s. is transparent today.
if you want information,
you're in the right nation.
you're free to receive what we say...
"
"i hope that my words here don't vex you,
or serve as a means to perplex you.
you're such a big lummox,
you're hard not to flummox.
it seems that the smart gene rejects you!
"
"he's the head of a villainous crew,
stripping leaves from shrubs, trees, and crops too.
behold the defoliator,
a bona fide spoliator?
coming soon to a theater near you.
"
"a blonde girl from abergavenny
in monmouthshire, wales, who's named gweny,
heard climbing the blorenge
helps poets rhyme orange,
but climbing did not help her any!
"
"oh, would that i could take nukes back
to a time before hitler's attack.
i'd use a first strike
to destroy the third reich
before adolf could get it on track.
"
"""for a pain that's extremely abominable
that's caused by an ulcer abdominable,
block acetylcholine
with daricon, fr?ulein,""
george bush said. ""it's freakin' phenominable!""
"
"acorus, a genus of lily,
makes floors smell quite pretty, not silly.
for a riotous scent
(if that is your bent)
try banana peel ? slip willy-nilly!
"
"when i try for a sport, running track,
i get nixed 'cause of skills that i lack.
""but daffy,"" coach begs,
""you've webbed feet and short legs!""
""that's damned ableism!"" i quack.
"
"amicus is latin for ""friend.""
in a courtroom, its meaning will bend.
it's a brief by some smarty
who's not the suit's party
but cares how the trial will end.
"
"if your bomb is in need of a boom,
you'll find amatol clears the whole room:
nh4no3
4 to 1 tnt.
you're just curious, sir, i presume?
"
"""oh, brawny!"" the housewife did coo,
""i'm ever so taken with you!
you soak up each spill
with improbable skill!
such absorption is seen in so few!""
"
"a murderous moron once said,
""call me 'airhead' and soon you'll be dead.""
but aero- means ""air,""
so to sidestep his glare
call him ""aerocephalic"" instead.
"
"when you spy a fine femme from afar,
get an alidade out from your car.
if the distance is right
then just maybe tonight
you can see if her angles make par.
"
"an allonym oft used by me
is this one in use now, ""matthew g.""
i assume this guy's name
so that i'll escape blame
for this dreck that i'm writing with glee.
"
"i think of my sweet cognoscente
as particularly caliente.
she taught me a term
for pasta that's firm;
cooked correctly, we call it al dente.
"
"i almost am pregnant, my dear!
though we haven't conceived, we're quite near.
it appears we're half-way
to that grand, joyous day.
we have eggs, but your sperm won't appear.
"
"ad absurdum i'll quickly reduce
your hypothesis, pal ? here's the noose:
if your theory is right
then the day and the night
are concurrent. you see ? it's obtuse!
"
"sometimes popes ? few, one hopes ? abdicated.
'won't get rich in that niche,' one has stated.
this was benedict nine;
what he did was resign,
but his motives are strongly debated.
"
"as with bricks, you construct in your brain
many models of knowledge you strain
to keep active inside,
for one day they'll guide
your behaviour ? again and again.
"
"see, i know this one cyclop, a guy
who came into this world with one eye.
but he hasn't a need
for a second, indeed,
and one sun glass is cheaper ? he's sly!
"
"when you give someone hungry some food ?
some hot rice or some meat, hot and stewed ?
we call decent this deed,
helping people in need.
doing good even brightens your mood!
"
"a bushist is voting for bush ?
not the opposite side of your tush!
no, it's george that i mean,
'cause this limerick is clean!
seems this guy knows which buttons to push.
"
"a communicator's someone relating
information and gossip ? he's prating
at times. it's this stuff;
it's just never enough:
he likes talking and hates to be waiting!
"
"acclimation is stuff for the weak!
the measly, the meager, the meek!
i'll remain all alone,
as my heart is of stone.
it's just sometimes i'm feeling so bleak.
"
"say a cook made a meal ? it's his best!
and you're eating it now ? just to test.
since his spices are nice,
all the flavors entice,
and your gut finds it smooth to digest!
"
"if you happen to hate an old foe
you can bomb him out fast and not slow.
you might need a few troops,
but can vanquish whole groups
at the drop of one bomb in one blow!
"
"long ago, mighty warriors knew
they were famed for how many they slew.
so their battle cries loud
would resound through the crowd,
spreading fear. (modern version: ""i'll sue!"")
"
"you like almonds? enjoy amaretto
while lounging beneath a palmetto.
amontillado? that sherry?!
avoid it, it's scary;
you'll sing fortunato's libretto.
"
"i'm enthralled by the beat anapestic;
its threes, like a waltz, feel majestic.
with metrical skill,
i'm revising until
i have measured each ""tock"" and its best ""tick.""
"
"there once was a lass from nantucket
who'd sit with a chicken and bucket.
the biddy would squall
and the maiden would bawl
for the still-living bird, as she'd pluck it.
"
"should you ever be snared in its lair,
be prepared for the basilisk's stare.
it's a glare you must block ?
or remain there, as rock!
though, like most who are stoned, you won't care.
"
"in the season for hunting wild duck,
bow and arrows will show you've got pluck.
but when gunning for deer,
buy some elephant gear,
and you'll get much more bang for the buck.
"
"when you aided a burglar, for gain,
and received a gold watch for your pain,
making out like a bandit,
you wore it; you and it
accessor'ly acted, it's plain.
"
"while flipping a hamburger patty,
poor mitzi went quietly batty ?
said, ""french fries with that?""
as she deep-fried a rat.
""there's no difference; it all ends up fatty.""
"
"in the ballroom, the top of her gown
came undone when he spun her aroun'.
yet those pros fred-and-gingered,
heads high. now pride's injured;
her top's the hot topic in town.
"
"a knife on the end of a rifle
cannot be considered a trifle.
sharp vision's a must;
spy the bayonet's thrust
to avoid ending up with an eyeful.
"
"her bright smile ? it disarms on the spot.
her bright smile ? all my rage i forgot.
her bright smile ? so disarming;
her bright smile ? she's so charming!
her bright smile ? i'm defenceless. and hot!
"
"many fruits are distillable ? schnapps
is the evidence. still, don't collapse,
'cause this distillate's hard!
don't drink much, be on guard,
or end up in a yard, dead perhaps.
"
"if you see, are aroused, so must touch
every tree, then you love them too much!
no mere buff nor a fan,
you're a dendrophile, man!
oaks and maples? stop pining for such!
"
"leaf and stem have a sandpaper feel.
in the full of the sun, like a wheel,
see her petals of sky
that surround every eye:
little suns, with a shining appeal.
"
"conducting a concert's arcane;
it requires a musical brain.
concertation, however,
is a different endeavor:
you coordinate, plan and maintain.
"
"there's delusions of grandeur in this:
it's a limerick project, it's bliss!
in it, every old word
that you learned or have heard
is defined; not a one does it miss!
"
"in bitheism two gods might mate.
in ditheism struggle's the state:
here the good and the bad
are both stark raving mad
and so conflict eternal's their fate.
"
"there once stood a tall coffee tree
in my room ? and i loved it, you see.
but i drank oh too much
and so under my touch
all its savory beans went a-wee.
"
"from my birth, my ungodliness grew:
i am creedless, you say, and it's true.
there's no maker, i know!
all your gods? just for show,
so it's needless to pray the night through.
"
"acclimatement ? this word causes friction!
some people, they call it a fiction:
""the word's acclimation.
no matter which nation
you're born in, please use the right diction!""
"
"diarthrosis is one of the kinds
of joints which in mammals one finds.
an example's the wrist.
if it breaks, i'll insist:
use a cast or a bandage that binds.
"
"it was hideous, false, so i kicked
that darn picture which claimed to depict
my most beautiful face!
now it looks like a mace
hit me hard ? boy, i know when i'm licked.
"
"from school programs he's anxious to cut
evolution ? creationist nut!
yet dawkins can show
in his books how we know
evolution is true, there's no 'but'!
"
"where i work, there's this guy ? what a tart!
i can't stand him, the stupid old fart.
if i just had a plane,
i'd plunge down on that bane,
and i'd dive-bomb him, rip him apart!
"
"a brown creeper loves snacking on all
tiny spiders and insects that crawl
on the tree he ascends
(with the bark his coat blends).
he's a bird that is threatened (and small).
"
"evolution (its cultural sense)
means the change in societies. hence
we have studied our cultures
and seen how from vultures
to gents we progressed ? it's immense!
"
"in the eye ? the beholder's ? is she:
azure sky, golden sunshine, green tea.
she's in all things that crowd
land and sea, mute or loud,
and in birds in the air, soaring free.
"
"the blackest of magic takes tolls ?
'tis diablerie: black are its goals!
with a roaring of thunder
the skies rip asunder:
'seems lucifer's out for our souls!'
"
"diacritics, those odd little creatures,
are sitting on letters, so teachers
and students of french
both must learn how to wrench
from their tongues the distinctive, small features.
"
"i can't help it, i must disagree
with the way that you treat her! 'cause she
is a beauty and i
will protect her. so bye
and away with you, brute ? leave her be!
"
"macbeth paid the bloodiest price
of ambition, his primary vice.
but his guilt had no end,
and so banquo, late friend,
as a specter, gave dinner some spice.
"
"a basset's a droopy-faced hound,
but he's lively when sniffing around.
when you hunt, he will help
flush out game with a yelp;
he stands tall ? with his nose to the ground.
"
"long ago, any knight that you met
might be wearing a steel basinet.
'twas a helmet he'd need
when he mounted his steed
in the service of king or coquette.
"
"a grandmother's peacefully tatting.
her grandsons are busily bratting.
the noise of those boys!
but it never annoys,
for her ears are all plugged up with batting.
"
"an adventurer, foolish and new,
was barefoot and seeking his shoe.
in a small, darkened room,
all he found was his doom
as a light midnight snack for a grue.
"
"unless all your wits are quite addled,
you'll ride with your horse always saddled.
if bareback you ride,
you will surely decide
that it should have been pillows you straddled.
"
"if a tank comes to threaten your line,
get a rocket, don't cower and whine.
if you're not a palooka,
just use a bazooka.
then sit, with relief ? on a mine.
"
"at the top of the outermost wall,
in the battlements, sentries stand tall.
if the castle's attacked,
they will quickly react
and defend, lest their fortress should fall.
"
"in stock market trading you dabble,
and treat all your clients like rabble.
when they find out your ruse
and the shouting ensues,
it will not sound like words, but just babble.
"
"a gypsy at last week's bazaar,
in my palm, saw that i would go far.
at my job, with a smirk,
i behaved like a jerk.
now i work as a clerk in qatar.
"
"what to do when the honeymoon palls?
when you beckon your lass, but she stalls?
buy your bride a new barrel!
it's smashing apparel
for splashing in niagara falls.
"
"ever wonder how backbiters end?
they all reap what they sow.  since they tend
to insult everyone,
making trouble for fun,
they're alone; not a soul for a friend.
"
"she's a backstabber, not a good friend,
though whenever you're there, she'll pretend.
she will flatter and smile,
hiding malice with guile,
then attack when you cannot defend.
"
"the dancers, in flowing array,
seem to rise without effort, and stay.
the pointes of a star
must be practiced at barre?
that's why lawyers adore the ballet.
"
"that smoldering, hot latin dance,
where the man takes a wide-legged stance
and the girl wraps around him,
and slides her way down him...
learn ballroom if you have the chance!
"
"a barge is a flat-bottomed boat ?
unattractive, but hey, it'll float!
using rivers for roads,
it delivers its loads
to locations both near and remote.
"
"i baked loaves of dough, butter-spread,
till the morning one suddenly said,
""while it could be just me,
this is hot! ? you agree?""
and another yelled, ""help! talking bread!""
"
"when telling a bald, barefaced lie,
you look people straight in the eye.
your face then relaxes,
you say, ""lower taxes!""
and then, of course, raise them sky-high.
"
"""the emir,"" a boutique that's unique,
gave new life to a dying technique.
it's where color's applied
over wax that has dried?
now the chic clique wears sleek sheik batik.
"
"this priest has a dream he can cherish,
but prospects appear pretty bearish.
it's win some renown
or be banished to town,
or in other words, publish or parish.
"
"i accept this acad'my award;
it's quite nice to confirm i'm adored.
forget my ex-spouse?
that bitch got the house.
special shout-outs to mom and the lord.
"
"a crude tartar called argol can grow
on the side of fine casks in bordeaux.
it comes from the vine,
a by-product of wine.
just be patient, you'll soon have merlot.
"
"'twas around the year 453,
while the anglos enjoyed morning tea:
the romans were booted
by saxons who looted.
anglo-saxon they all came to be.
"
"john j. audubon liked a nice bird.
(well at least that's what you and i've heard.)
i know it seems tainted,
but oft when he painted,
he'd first kill and then pose them?my word!
"
"in heaven's name, what's an accensor?
some know it, but i'm a bit denser.
church candles it lights,
i believe, on dark nights.
to confirm, i suggest you call mensa.
"
"some say the word aunt sounds like ant,
but that's not correct, others rant.
miss marg'ret dumont
would rhyme it with want,
but i sound like stevie van zandt!
"
"medications are mighty expensive,
which is why i've become apprehensive.
my pressure goes higher,
yet still i'm a buyer
of my anti-(i'm so)-hypertensive.
"
"to travel the world is my motto.
my dream is to visit ambato.
it's muy bonito
and just south of quito.
its ca?a can make you quite blotto.
"
"joe's phone is equipped with call waiting.
it helps him keep up with his dating.
when he said to his gran
what he meant for suzanne,
she found it quite alienating.
"
"there was an unknown young musician?
success was his dream and his mission.
he hoped for attention?
at least a brief mention.
his ego craved fame and agnition.
"
"""it's balsamic, this vinegar? good!
how'd you make it?"" some ask (as they should).
i reply, ""how i wish
i'd used grapes in the dish!
it's not easy to stomp balsa wood.""
"
"my teddy bear, whom i loved dearly,
was named astroid because he was clearly
the shape of a star.
and that's it, there you are,
he was star-shaped (i miss him sincerely).
"
"a young academic named billy
was known to be ever so silly.
though his teachers were great,
not a sum's on his slate:
just ""school sucks!"" and a large cartoon willy.
"
"said father to son, ""you should know
that your basal metabolic rates show
force expended at rest.
they are mainly expressed
by the heat that your body lets go.""
"
"""who wrote this? please tell!"" was their plea.
""this lim'rick's as bad as can be!
who's the fool that could make
this appalling mistake?""
please don't tell them the author was me.
"
"when you're up on the dance floor, and proving
just how little you know about moving,
it's the way your limbs prance
voluntarily: dance
is your autokinesis ? you're grooving!
"
"i can't sing, so was honoured to hear
the audience give me a cheer.
my aria began;
they looked shocked, then they ran!
it was ""ninety-nine bottles of beer"".
"
"when the priceless picasso was took,
they set out to discover the crook.
i declared, ""wasn't me!""
solid alibi, see.
i was stealing the scream ? piece of luck!
"
"before the doc worked on my teef,
he spritzed anaesthetic beneaf.
i felt nuffin, it's true,
until i came to ?
then i smacked my bare gums at the thief!
"
"said the diva, who gave a slight cough,
to the jubilant fat lady, sof-
tly, ""what i'm gonna say,
please don't take the wrong way:
they're applauding because you came off.""
"
"with those aphids converging en masse,
my nice garden will suffer, alas.
it takes just a few days
of their sucking forays
and the flowers will look just like grass.
"
"don't despair if your garden's afflicted
by aphids so clearly addicted.
these pests ruin your crop;
they keep sucking non-stop?
until ladybugs belch, ""you're evicted!""
"
"for those big yellow flowers of cheer,
plant some african marigolds, dear.
these two-footers crave sun;
as for scent?they have none.
in the fall, reap their seeds for next year.
"
"mounds of soft, little flowers in bloom
emit fragrance akin to perfume.
it's the sweet white alyssum
and you just wanna kiss 'em!
(which you'll do when alone, i presume.)
"
"each begonia forms one perfect mound,
and will never stray out of that bound.
if perfection's your aim
then i'll loudly proclaim,
""in your garden, this beaut should be found!""
"
"of all nightshades found under the sun,
the datura's my favorite one.
heady blends of perfumes
waft from pendulous blooms.
what profusion! they're second to none.
"
"leaves of gray and, at times, silver-white,
luminescent by day and at night,
if with water you fill 'er,
the drenched dusty miller
turns green, like a bean. what a sight!
"
"when the damping-off fungus hit hard,
seedling death caught us truly off guard.
'twas the mold in the soil
that had caused them to spoil.
dreaded spores, you get out of my yard!
"
"what a sight for sore eyes to behold:
tulip buds are about to unfold.
but by dawn's ray of light
bambi'd left none in sight ?
all devoured, if truth must be told.
"
"his masterpiece finished, he smirks,
""it's perfect!  the best of my works!""
he gloats,  ""it will serve
as my noted chef-d'oeuvre!""
why are artists such arrogant jerks?
"
"seems you're bankrupt ? all assets you lack.
my hotel gave your savings a whack.
put your railroads for sale,
go directly to jail ?
i'll be having the water works back.
"
"on the top of his head there's no hair.
uncle's bald: simply got nothing there.
he once offered a showing
of where it's all growing.
i told him i didn't much care.
"
"my doctor cares not, i suppose.
he's aloof to my pains and my woes.
""doc, i've got a bad cough!
and my leg's fallen off!""
""oh, grow up!"" he says. ""that's cured your toes.""
"
"an actuary once said to me,
""chance you're hit by a bus: ten to three.
by a car: four to one.
by a plane: near to none.""
i'd no chance of affording his fee.
"
"i think i'm too late; i sense doom.
but here's polish, a dustpan and broom.
you must tackle the scum
that's amassed and become
an agglomerate ? tidy your room!
"
"""i don't like the river, that's that-o.
rowing isn't for me."" but said rat, ""oh!
mole! don't be a whiner ?
there's no pleasure finer
than messing about in a bateau!""
"
"acquire: to gain, steal or buy.
and i'm finished! let's chat ? shall we try?
i feel great, day's been swell.
how are you ? hope you're well?
oops i'm done! have to go now! good-bye!
"
"if projectiles are aimed at your head,
don't get angry or cower in dread.
study aim, target, speed
and trajectory: heed
the ballistics of snowballs instead!
"
"""the vase ain't authentic!"" i cried,
as soon as i ? just in time ? spied,
that lot two-seven-four,
worth a million or more,
had ""made in taiwan"" on the side.
"
"when a habit just cannot be kicked,
to surrender oneself's to addict.
it's a verb full of blame,
for describing the shame
of the habits the other guy's picked.
"
"when through marriage two fam'lies combine,
each new relative's called an affine.
	saying in-laws sounds crass,
	while affines have got class.
but you're still bloody welcome to mine.
"
"don't think that i'm herein espousing
a sailor's rough work or carousing,
but lifting by pulley
a cargo or fully
drunk comrade is also called bowsing.
"
"if you ever would like to relate
an objective's least aberrant state,
chromatic or spherical,
for data empirical,
go grab a cheap abbe test plate!
"
"an armed brigand said, ""give me your stuff!""
i said, ""no!"", and quite promptly the tough
had committed the crime,
taking every last dime.
and to think, i believed it a bluff.
"
"etymologically speaking
the aubergine's well worth the seeking.
it means ""anti-fart.""
to cook it's an art,
and i eat it before i go streaking.
"
"""my boots are all splattered with mud,
but your uniform's snazzy, you stud!""
said grant so admiringly.
but this all was tiring lee,
who answered, ""let's spill no more blood.""
"
"he ardently craved the boudoir
of the fulgent simone de beauvoir.
but sartre, the philosopher,
wasn't the boss of her.
(they settled on watching film noir.)
"
"i mistook my poor wife for a hat.
pray what was the reason for that?
they call it agnosia;
it's like i don't knows ya;
i do, but just not where you're at.
"
"actaeon the hunter took aim,
and killed dozens of stags without shame.
then he chanced 'pon a goddess
bereft of her bodice;
she glared?and the hunter was game.
"
"you itch and you scratch. suicidal?
you might need an acaricidal.
quickly look for a burrow.
with permethrin be thorough;
what's bugging you won't remain idle.
"
"i think janet reno's erotic.
i'm afraid of becoming robotic.
to me you're all spies
stealing thoughts through my eyes,
so i won't take your antipsychotic.
"
"the deceased was obese and quite curvy,
the coroner boozed up and swervy.
the table got tipped,
and the body? it slipped.
an autopsy gone topsy-turvy!
"
"you must ask me no questions puh-lease!
then i'll tell you no lies 'bout dem bees.
and the birds, i can't handle.
i'm afraid of the scandal.
go ask any mermaid you seize.
"
"to those in the blue-blooded class,
a tapestry's called an arras,
but should you decide
behind one to hide,
polonius, please take a pass.
"
"embarrassed, the sybil retired;
her prophecy never transpired.
she brought in a witch,
who said, ""here's the hitch:
this augury's date has expired.""
"
"the amauropelta fern mounts
on a tree trunk, upon which it counts
not for food, but a supple
embrace (like a couple
with separate checking accounts).
"
"in ashram and coven and shrine,
he aspired to stillness divine,
then beatifically said,
as he keeled over dead,
""at last?ataraxia's mine!""
"
"a carpenter famous in paris is
saddened by work that embarrasses:
his gildings, or ""goldings,""
on ceilings and moldings
have peeled at the edges and arrises.
"
"the term boorishness never agrees
with one who says ""thank you"" and ""please"".
but to one who is rude
and uncouth and quite crude,
it applies with the greatest of ease.
"
"said noah to one of his buds:
""i sure hope that my plans aren't all duds!
i don't want to get caught ?
i'm afraid that i've got
antlophobia; i'm frightened of floods!""
"
"a wise old bacterium, thriving
in acid, advised on surviving:
""to endure the sulphuric,
become aciduric:
enjoy the ph without striving!""
"
"the forester pondered aloud,
""my goodness, that tree is quite boughed!
those branches and leaves!
i'm a man who perceives
when another's more greatly endowed!""
"
"in the mosque said imam ibrahim:
""bismillahi rahmani rahim:
lest we go astray,
to allah we must pray,
seeking only his will most supreme!""
"
"this chump who loved women would dine 'em,
but his fare would quite soon disincline 'em:
the food was too old,
enshrouded with mold,
and full of ? oh gross! ? botulinum.
"
"need to look into engines and more,
all without disassembly and chore?
there's a neat optic widget
the size of your digit:
the borescope!  now go and explore!
"
"abdomino- means ""of the gut"":
abdominoplasty ? it's cut.
an abdominous paunch
may give reason to launch
a new diet, and nix on the glut.
"
"new year's eve was tim's date to go boozing.
in the morning, his headache was bruising.
gin and tonic repulsed
while his stomach convulsed.
the affliction: his very own choosing.
"
"a list with a lot of omissions:
take for, through, until, and additions
such as to, with, before,
away, hence and more!
our tongue's got a few adpositions.
"
"my track coach had said, ""run with fear.""
so the next race, i ran like a deer?
like a betatron burst,
from dead last up to first?
and i won 'cause a bee stung my rear.
"
"on the beach, as i sat in the sand,
there were bevies of beauties, all tanned.
when my wife saw my gaze,
she got wise to my ways,
and i soon saw the back of her hand.
"
"in this blasphemous world, left and right
twist religion to prove what they cite.
from vishnu to jesus,
the gods want to please us,
but not until man sees the light.
"
"as a pig, i was nearly forsaken:
without the blue ribbon, i'm bacon.
charlotte did me up big,
in her web, spun ""some pig"",
saved my hide, but she left my heart achin'.
"
"a bird pepper sounds nice and sweet,
but you have to beware of this treat.
i was dared by my son
to digest only one;
my tongue's blistered and charred from the heat.
"
"this country's amassing a debt
that will burden our kids, you can bet.
when the debtors come calling
and stocks are free-falling,
the rich will be offshore and set.
"
"she's my dog and a mutt just like me.
any royal blue-blood? no sirree!
french and dutch, i'm not regal;
she's basset and beagle,
thus banned from the grand akc.
"
"austin powers had said, ""oh, behave!"",
and his chest really needed a shave.
he was naughty and nice,
nasty teeth were his vice,
and the british flag proudly he'd wave.
"
"like a ruler, to twelve i can go.
on the beaufort scale, clearly i show
that i'm calm down near one,
but at twelve i can stun?
that's when trees will be flung to and fro.
"
"i married a devil, i guess;
she arrived in a new blood-red dress.
sure, my mom is uptight,
'cause she didn't see white;
what she's seeing is red. what a mess!
"
"as you drop all the empties quite gaily,
the tinkle's a mad ukulele.
if you think it no farce
to recycle your glass,
then invest in your bottle bank daily.
"
"there are places where pedantry's blamed,
and where accurate scansion is flamed.
but for verse that's exact,
and correct and compact,
the oedilf should be widely acclaimed.
"
"the works of antonia byatt
don't involve too much rampage and riot.
but books like possession
reveal an obsession
with literature, death, and disquiet.
"
"cadmium orange, it's said,
isn't needed by purists; instead,
here is more than a hint:
when a fruit needs that tint,
mix cadmium yellow and red.
"
"""now he wants me to stand in the nude?""
she declaimed in a terrible mood.
""that suggestion can go
where the sun doesn't show.
he's a swine! a degrader! he's crude!""
"
"the great gothic cathedral's large space,
is supported by arches that lace
like grand stone orchestrations.
these concamerations
serve to send all the weight to the base.
"
"if you're looking to stopper the top
and be sure not to spill one red drop ?
if you happen to live
in the orient, give
chinese cork trees a spot in your shop.
"
"are the rocks falling down the hill not
what you wished when you purchased the plot?
has erosion set in?
no, don't break out the gin:
crested wheatgrass will hold back the lot.
"
"""please ready the liquid for tests:
look for particles, min'rals and pests.
if you give it gyration
does deflocculation
occur? go and check,"" he suggests.
"
"""the oats in your meal all have chaff!""
quoth the farmer to taffy, his calf.
""we'll need to dehusk
before it is dusk.""
the gaffe with the chaff made him laugh.
"
"my horses are cursedly clever,
succeeding in all they endeavour.
so why curse their name
when no, there's no shame
in neighing a neigh ? not now, never.
"
"he jumped out the window. ovations
were heard down below. salutations
were given to all
as he took his great fall:
he'd ever loved defenestrations.
"
"this plant is less beggar than weed;
it's the soil that is really in need.
dirt and plant have been hitched,
so the ground is enriched,
and the livestock will use it as feed.
"
"while rebecca and me had some fun,
we were caught by her dad?and his gun!
now it's aimed at my head;
i've decided to wed:
a betrothal from which i can't run.
"
"as the wolf tried to blow away brick,
the three pigs knew the walls were too thick,
and the wolf heard them say,
""go ahead, blow away,
this is stronger than straw and/or stick.""
"
"you belittle, and don't seem to mind.
think you're better than most of mankind?
well, you sure have a knack
for revealing your lack.
true compassion you can't seem to find.
"
"my benzodiazepine's cool,
'cause it keeps me from being a fool.
i am tranquil and nice
when i take my pills twice,
though at times it's been said that i drool.
"
"they had shaved my left leg late that night
and the surgeon proved not to be bright.
saw the knife, heard him chime,
""angiotomy time,""
as i screamed, ""it's the left, not the right!""
"
"when i first taught my son how to dive,
he decided to try four or five.
after each belly flop,
i requested he stop
since his mom wants to keep him alive.
"
"""you're a damn worthless cretin, sir knight!
i am better than you: i would fight
off a rampaging horde!""
quoth the mad king, who roared
rather arrogantly: sure he was right.
"
"as he bellows his rage at a catfish,
the mad king's attacked by a fat fish!
it's rather gigantic,
this halibut (atlantic) ?
the largest american flatfish.
"
"quoth the king: ""we've a shortage of wood.
resolution: this court would and should
make all housing from cheese.""
""that debatement, sire? please,
not again,"" as the minister stood.
"
"quoth the king to a valiant squire:
""better plans aren't devisable. fire
and attack the estate
with the cheese, then head straight
for the keep ? a contrivable mire.""
"
"when the mad king decided to marry,
he sent off a knight: ""do not tarry!""
his desponsory came:
""i shall wed you, fair dame.""
now she's queen, with mad burdens to carry.
"
"quoth a prince to his queen: ""you must be
the defendress of faith, land and sea.
for my father, my king ?
though brave words he can sing ?
couldn't fend off a sword made of tea!""
"
"with infinity, mirrors and knives
would this argentine play with the lives
of the characters in
his short stories, wherein
magic realism alters and thrives.
"
"milk, vanilla, white sugar and eggs:
an accombination quite yummy. it begs
to be cooled, then well churned;
later, frozen. you've learned
the ingredients for ice cream with legs.
"
"the colombian peso's the trash
that colombians use as their cash,
which they then hide away
while the drug barons spray
ammunition as different groups clash.
"
"as the herald commodiously opes
his great mouth, his hand furiously gropes
round a sack made of wool ?
finds the parchment: ""a bull
has been issued by one of the popes!""
"
"little amberfish, carangid dish,
is like metal in hue. i just wish
that you could, in verse free
with words vivid now see
how so graceful in water she'd swish.
"
"for john milton there was a strong need
through areopagitica's screed
to tell parliament
they all ought to repent
and not censor the stuff they don't read.
"
"high oration, that is the term:
this altiloquence makes a man squirm;
so when hard a golf club ya
swing at balls like g dubya,
just ignore the prov'd truth and stay firm.
"
"my pastor (a baptist) would say,
of characters least recherch?,
""those poor old lapsed clerics
chant alphanumerics
(that's letters and numbers) to pray.""
"
"after dark, though i hide in my bed,
i still suffer from blows to my head.
it's the wind with its billows
pounding me with my pillows:
aerothermodynamics, 'tis said.
"
"there's a species of african shrub
that lives wild in the dry wooded scrub.
with an albidus leaf
(that is, off-white, in brief),
i've a rockrose i've grown in a tub.
"
"there are words that we don't often hear;
such arcana may cause us to jeer.
but that term also means
the lost art of the deans
of an alchemy ancients held dear.
"
"i'm ancient in all of my ways:
i still lean on my cane while i gaze
at noah's grandmubba
and croak ""hubba hubba""
in this rest home for aging rou?s.
"
"you're awake in your bed with a dread:
has the trust in your partner so fled
that you dream of his flight
with your money each night,
to absquatulate off to club med?
"
"it's all suffix and prefix, real cute:
its rare meaning my brain can't dispute.
acutangular's plight?
there's no root word in sight:
but conveys if an angle's acute.
"
"my acceptor rna has gone wild:
it's attaching aminos a child
would know don't belong there!
this new protein won't fare
very well ? it's been badly compiled.
"
"""we have harvested all of the grapes,""
says the peon who, brush in hand, scrapes
clean his barrel. ""we'll let
the grapes acetise. get
set for vinegar: no one escapes!""
"
"when the mad king did summon his knight,
the young horseman was filled with delight.
making haste to his host,
he did fly from his post:
with alacriousness did he take flight.
"
"""foul fool, you have ruined my life!
you have taken my beautiful wife!""
so he cuffed the young man:
slapped him silly and ran ?
now the wife's life is quite rife with strife.
"
"sang a serf to a knight: ""curse the king!
he's so mad, we are chiefless! the ?"" zwing!
went the sword of the knight
as it slew the serf. ""right!
i've a chief; he's my king! do not sing!""
"
"the derivative, d/dx,
of a curve, sin(x), shouldn't vex:
it's the slope of the line
which is tangent to sine
at a given point. see? not complex!
"
"""they're infested, those horns on your head,""
quoth the farmer to taffy, with dread.
""we shall have to dehorn
you before it is morn.""
taff was led straight ahead to the shed.
"
"all the trees are now turning to grey,
and the leaves, once so vibrant, don't stay.
deciduity's quite
the trees' seasonal blight ?
now their colourful tears pass away.
"
"quoth the bishop: ""you'll question your flock,
then you'll wait for their answers. don't mock!
to review, you'll ask why
god's not just in the sky ?
thus you'll catechise all as you talk.""
"
"though the king was once thought a man vaunted,
his mind has become rather haunted.
once exalted by all,
he's, from grace, had a fall:
he has suffered debasement unwanted.
"
"if you eat with both hands, ambidextrous;
if you toy with both brands, ambisextrous.
for terms that are dense
with such bifurcate sense,
let us try, for the nonce, ambilextrous.
"
"bye bye, elephant birds in the sky.
you don't see one? extinction is why.
aepyorniformes' vast
feathered wings did not last,
so below  with relief we all sigh.
"
"i am green at this limerick craft:
when i write my poor rhythm goes daft.
through revisions galore,
amateurishness, or
pure ineptitude, clabbers each draft.
"
"the kindly (and stylish) gwen fox
favored loudly red argyle-ish socks.
her gael-ly clad feet
enhanced her discreet,
and yet elegant, re-tailored smocks.
"
"my intestinal state is not bright
since i ate all that roadkill last night.
parasitical worm,
i'm invaded! i term
it acanthocephala's blight.
"
"my old doctor will soon insert barium ?
it's a part of his armamentarium.
in this bag of his tricks
all the methods are mixed
from the latest to antiquitarium.
"
"to altern is to civilly wait
for your turn; but instead, at the gate
of the typical show,
we will restlessly go
right ahead of the halt and sedate.
"
"honor acotyledonous stuff:
though sans seed-lobes, they breed well enough.
this botanical name
applies all the same
to a fern, or a moss, in the rough.
"
"the odd acrocephalous dome
has a point like the hat of a gnome.
it's called acro, for ""peak,""
and then head, said in greek:
but it still gives the mind a good home.
"
"the aecidium, fungus external,
is a sign of corruption internal.
it will grow, on your plum,
quite as big as your thumb,
and as ugly as sin is infernal.
"
"""lord, i curse thee for leaving us here,""
quoth the sailor. ""our deaths are now near.
we have nothing to drink,
for the water doth stink ?
needs desalinisation, i fear.""
"
"though the hero is never seen weary,
one becomes, noting this, rather leery:
is he human or not?
when he sniffs, is there snot?
are defatigable eyes never bleary?
"
"as he walks down the path, he can feel
that his brain seems, well, oddly unreal.
his crus cerebri's failed
and his balance, derailed,
makes him topple and spin like a wheel.
"
"have no fear, my dear lady. don't cry:
i would never inject you with lye!
if we are to peruse
and find medical clues,
we must dose you with cyanine dye.
"
"as the witch-doctor pours out the tea,
i am troubled by something i see:
in the tin can whence comes
the decoction are thumbs!
they've been boiled with roots just for me.
"
"quoth the mad king to prince number three:
""primogeniture rules, by decree.
i'll not give thee a tree,
not a bird, nor a bee:
there delapseth no pennies to thee!""
"
"as he set down the phone, the young lad
was not pleased that he'd scammed his friend's dad:
""the deludable sot
was so easily got
that, despite all the cash, i feel bad.""
"
"the grand symphony chorus's sounds
are quite consonous, unlike my hounds,
as they bay at the moon.
i do wish they could croon
like that tenor, whose full voice astounds.
"
"""is my coat really looking detrite?
is it truly a blight to your sight?""
""yes, the thing is worn out
and it smells like old trout!
you must change ere we go out to-night.""
"
"for a communist, class is not fair:
""we're the same since we breathe the same air!""
but far back in his mind,
since he knows they're unkind,
are class feelings: how undoctrinaire!
"
"loss advective of bodily heat
horizontally flows, 'neath the sheet
of your bed. your dear spouse
lowers heat in the house;
in return you relinquish warm feet.
"
"my darling's erotic (salacious)
boudoir is invitingly spacious.
ah! her soft languid drape
and eyes almond, a shape
i can only call amygdalaceous.
"
"here's an unmusical matter
of antieuphonious clatter!
ocarina's detuned,
the accordion's ru'ned;
each player's both sharper and flatter.
"
"on the spanish guitar my technique
of unamplified strums is unique.
i acoustically play
in my singular way,
causing strings to detune and to squique.
"
"diabolical skill! her mad doctor
altered images private that shocked her.
amniography art
made this young mother start
from a fetus that seemingly mocked her.
"
"the order of words makes a story.
that of notes is a symphony's glory.
all similes sweated,
the quavers are vetted;
they are not simply aleatory.
"
"you can't waltz to an anapest beat
without stepping on somebody's feet.
so if limerick dance
is your hobby, perchance,
then use aerodonetics to cheat.
"
"all the reds and the greens i reverse;
due to gender my problem is worse.
when i'm at the paint shop,
don't know blue from ker-plop;
it is acritochromacy's curse.
"
"any new world reptilian key
includes ambystomatidae.
o, great salamand-
er, horizons expand,
in your swamp, perish not, but live free!
"
"the fierce aeluroidea eat
tame herbivores (on-the-hoof meat).
in this group is my cat,
pampered carlos the fat,
who still feigns to dismember each treat.
"
"in the acroceraunian pass,
beware of the hellene with brass.
alexander was such:
one day, with his touch
aristotle flipped o'er the crevasse.
"
"they're aerophilatelic?my books,
and they're open for envious looks.
i possess such a set
of these stamps that i bet
i could airmail a kitchen (with cooks)!
"
"words present and past need defending
from people who screw up the ending.
perfect tense i present:
what he blends has been blent
when he's blended whatever he's blending.
"
"for breakfast i never eat food,
just two cups of coffee, fresh-brewed.
in the morning i'm beat
and too sleepy to eat,
but the coffee's so strong it gets chewed.
"
"to stay slim, trish would go on long treks.
for a joke, i had told her friend lex,
""steal her mirror, then swap
with a carnival prop,
so her body will look biconvex.""
"
"for a bluetick, my dog, though real fast,
as a tracker was sadly miscast.
since he thought it a race,
he would pick up the pace
till all foxes and coons had been passed.
"
"your swing is abysmally slow,
which the pitcher and catcher both know.
every time at the plate
you receive the same fate:
three fastballs, three strikes?down you go.
"
"in life, you must set a good pace
to survive to the end of the race,
but the kids that you raise
sap your strength with their ways
'cause you scream 'til you're blue in the face.
"
"i'm sure i can prove in this case
that between every word is a space.
though it's mute (never heard),
space defines every word.
yes,withoutthem,thisline'sadisgrace.
"
"his dates were much shorter and rounder
than he?who was truly a bounder;
he would mock them for days
'til they learned of his ways
and proceeded to find someone sounder.
"
"you should start with a nicely tilled lot
or your bellflower garden will rot.
as you know, they don't ring,
but when grown right, will bring
lovely color and scent to your plot.
"
"since you live in a place that's palatial,
you've got enough dough for a facial.
your acne's a fright,
and although you are white,
with those blackheads you're looking bi-racial.
"
"when abligurition prevails,
instead of some fries i'll eat snails.
i won't care about taste,
nor the money i'll waste.
were they pricey, i'd eat monkey tails.
"
"as a preacher, my dad was intense,
saying abstinence worked like a fence.
if you build it real high,
you'll deter those who try
to beget in a biblical sense.
"
"a buffalo/cow combination
gave people a new taste sensation.
the meat was real lean
and the ranchers saw green,
selling beefalo all 'cross the nation.
"
"a bison and cow slept together
and their calf could survive any weather.
this beefalo's meat
made a lean, tasty treat
that was truly more tender than leather.
"
"there's a place in montana called butte
where old miners dropped bundles of loot.
this superfund pit's
giving tree huggers fits?
though the brothel's of highest repute!
"
"since my pants had that bell-bottom shape,
i still stand like a bow-legged ape.
yes, that '70s fad
made me look really bad;
it's a vision i just can't escape.
"
"the blastomycosis disease
comes from fungus in soil and trees.
when inhaled in the lung,
the disease is then sprung?
without treatment you're brought to your knees.
"
"with a cramp in my biceps femoris,
i kicked out my leg, like chuck norris.
the cops were a pain,
as i tried to explain
why i kicked that old lady dolores.
"
"a blackwall hitch can be undone,
except when it's tied by my son.
yes, the knot looks just right
and it holds fast and tight,
but untying that hitch is no fun.
"
"the all-nighter, perfected in college,
is finals week's shortcut to knowledge.
to cram for the test,
i'll forgo any rest.
gotta read this entire antholog...
"
"plastic, metal and glass played a part
in the russian constructivist art.
other schools were suppressed
at the party's behest:
""make industrial forms without heart!""
"
"it's bloatware, this program i'm using,
with features profuse and confusing.
it takes minutes to save
when the thing does behave,
and i weep at the disk space i'm losing.
"
"""in bitwise arithmetic, why's a
right shift sometimes used as divisor?""
""i thought it was clear. no?
right-shift one-one-zero.
you've halved it. now you're a bit wiser.""
"
"what you type is the ""source"" when you write code,
and the source gets compiled into bytecode:
a pre-scripted routine
for a virtual machine.
(but without the vm, it won't quite load.)
"
"to arrange for performing guitar,
you aspire to express what you are:
not often sublime,
out of tune, out of time,
and still playing old songs in a bar.
"
"define angle as ""outwit a trout
in whose stream you are wading about.""
izaak walton's compleat
angler's truly a treat
of authority piscine devout.
"
"the aesthesiometer i,
as your doctor, will use to apply
the sensations of pricks
and the distance betwix'.
soon i'll know if your neurons are spry.
"
"aloeceae subdivide our
liliaceae family of flower
(they include aloe-ver'
but not peppermint spear),
or they don't: it's the fight of the hour.
"
"a description's quite hard, euclid knows,
of right angle.  in shape its route goes
by a straight line to where
it bends back over there.
in a square, there are four that oppose.
"
"when i said i'm addicted to coke,
'twas of diet, not powder, i spoke.
i'm an aspartame fan?
downing bottle and can,
ten a day?and it's making me broke.
"
"poets' anapest rhythms belong
with a rhyme that is virile and strong
in our craftily wrought
and cute odes that do not
have a hitch in their own git-along.
"
"my abhorrency simply is this
(it's a bar to connubial bliss):
though her heart may be chaste,
i'm averse to her taste.
i detest my dear snuff-user's kiss!
"
"on the mediterranean shore
grow fragrant pink flowers galore.
young mountain goats clamber
for herbs known as amber-
boa from greece to lahore.
"
"to avoid any terror or fear
make no amazon lady your dear;
anatolian love
from that muscular dove
may well kill you inside of a year.
"
"biometric refers to statistics
from noting the characteristics
of life on this planet,
and darwin asked, ""can it
mean laying off thousands of mystics?""
"
"in the days before website design,
it had pins, and was made out of pine.
now, the bulletin board
strikes a virtual chord:
where the world and his wife meet online.
"
"abortive transduction occurs
when a dna segment transfers,
but it can't make a home
with the host chromosome.
(hey, she won't have him dossing round hers!)
"
"an abscess scan's job is to scan
for white blood cells returned to a man.
i'm obsessed, you will find,
with my abscessed behind:
it's as sore as an arsenal fan.
"
"a business-like plan of attack
puts your bank balance back in the black.
all those arty pretenses
won't fund your expenses.
so sell out your soul; be a hack.
"
"when an audience harbours a pack
to support, or more rarely attack,
as a disciplined mob,
and they're paid ? it's their job,
(not a clique, so to speak), it's a claque.
"
"babington's leek can, at need,
be eaten (the bulb, not the seed).
on islands like tresco
it's wild and alfresco,
but mostly it's rare, for a weed.
"
"beatrice and benedick's spats
were renowned, as they battled like cats.
after too much ado,
they both vowed ""i love you"",
and ended up married. and bats.
"
"when a poet, around 1930,
said a coaster was salt-caked and dirty,
and the poor little craft
pitched and yawed, fore and aft,
you can bet that its captain got shirty.
"
"i really do not want to nag,
since distinction is often a drag.
but when studied through ""bins"",
these two birds are not twins;
for a cormorant isn't a shag.
"
"king claudius murdered his brother,
and married the young hamlet's mother.
this resulted in trouble,
reducing to rubble
the court, as they slaughtered each other.
"
"the princess cordelia had
a reluctance to tell her old dad
that she loved him. i fear
that poor old king lear
took it hard, and in time he went mad.
"
"an accipiter flies, doesn't walk;
takes sparrows and such (how they squawk).
of those fierce birds that bite,
it's not falcon, nor kite,
neither eagle nor owl, but a hawk.
"
"west of spain, so the legend is told,
lay the land of atlantis of old.
but where is it now?
did it vanish? and how?
i suspect that the trail has gone cold.
"
"in a book by jane austen called emma,
there is love without passion or tremor.
though knightley berates
emma's snipe at miss bates,
it's a social, not sexual, dilemma.
"
"merlin wanted to go and get hitched ?
wed to two lovely gals he'd bewitched.
but the bigamist frowned
when in practice he found
that his life wasn't really enriched.
"
"after fighting a brave revolution,
the states wrote a bold constitution.
folks exclaimed, ""what a mess!
where's our freedom of press?!""
the bill of rights was the tacked-on solution.
"
"damn! the door to the airdock is locked.
no one answers, despite how i've knocked!
my plane is now stuck,
and i feel like a schmuck.
i'm so late that i'm sure to be mocked.
"
"playing quidditch last week on the pitch,
an aggressive and fearsome young witch
hit a bludger at meeker
(the other team's seeker).
too late! he had just caught the snitch!
"
"so you never have used a bidet?
for good hygiene there's no better way.
it's for washing your ass
or your  (for a lass),
as it shoots with a vertical spray.
"
"what is hoppy and brings us good cheer?
not a froggy, i promise, my dear!
it's brown, black and tan,
and can come in a can.
it's deliciously wonderful beer!
"
"it's a really big spoon in the skies,
or a bear that has really large thighs.
with its several joints
towards polaris it points,
no matter which shape one espies.
"
"freshman julie was awkward and small,
a bit plain, but not ugly at all.
but soon she found style,
then she learned how to smile,
and became quite a belle of the hall.
"
"do you spend lots of time underground?
get a thrill when sadistically bound?
people say that you're bad,
but i say, ""egad ?
what a kick to be screwing around!""
"
"i'm confused, for i cannot surmise
if it's girls that i like, or just guys.
after playing the game
with a gent and a dame ?
i now think i'm just one of the bi's.
"
"anna's obdurate ? that's uncontestable ?
and she finds my advice indigestible.
when i told her to smile,
her face dropped a mile.
it seems that she's contrasuggestible.
"
"it's a term that sounds dated and quaint,
but a colourman makes or sells paint.
one who bumped off his spouse
using gas in his house
slapped a coat on to cover the taint.
"
"""during cycles of boom and depression,""
said the man of financial profession,
""contracyclical action
may ease things a fraction:
low taxes help balance recession.""
"
"those problems whose answers are scrutable
are the ones that we label computable,
while dividing by nought
is the kind that we ought
to ignore, for its answer's disputable.
"
"writing checks and constraints might seem tougher
than reserving a ""big enough"" buffer;
but if someone can crash
your inadequate cache,
then your users are certain to suffer.
"
"an internet friend in hong kong
would like me to send her a song,
but it seems her selection
has copy protection:
whenever i try, it goes wrong.
"
"cassandra was cursed by apollo
to make prophecies no-one could swallow.
her bizarre tales of doom
got her locked in her room;
she should surely have known that would follow.
"
"compossible indicates whether
conjectures that work work together.
incompossible theories
are subject to queries:
your name can't be rose if it's heather.
"
"coleoptile: botanical sheath
that protects the young shoots underneath.
its eruption from earth
marks the miniature birth
of a new blade of grass on the heath.
"
"as a photoreceptor, the cone cell
is light-sensitive, unlike a bone cell.
when the warden came in,
i jabbed his with a pin,
and it worked: now i'm getting my own cell.
"
"those from philly who know 'bout the biz
always order their cheesesteaks ""with whiz.""
whether geno's or pat's,
they are chock full of fats,
but don't doubt they're the best that there is!
"
"roman titus went out to get pissed,
but found lasses he couldn't resist.
he brought both of them home
(which was common in rome)
and engaged in a bigynist tryst.
"
"a slothful fat geek i once knew
refused to get up to go poo.
so i said to him, deadpan,
""there's a thing called a bedpan.""
now he no longer goes to the loo.
"
"i developed a mischievous scam,
selling stock to my nemesis, pam.
but my plan had a flaw ?
it's my state's blue-sky law,
which prevents such a valueless sham.
"
"on an airship way up in the sky
was a man who made passengers cry.
rotund with a limp
(yes, a blimp on a blimp),
when he walked, we'd shake thither and nigh!
"
"in their search for the billable hour,
young lawyers become somewhat sour
(for example, bill miller,
my law firm's top biller ?
who can't even find time to shower).
"
"luke thought he'd encountered some raiders
who he figured were vader's crusaders.
when he fired his blaster
to ward off disaster,
they fled?being just simple traders.
"
"when his family would go out for ribs,
charlie'd always need three plastic bibs.
open mouthed he would chew ?
and the rib bits he'd spew
both all over himself and his sibs.
"
"there's a crapload of books in my house.
blame my bibliomaniacal spouse!
she guards them all day  ?
just like gollum she'll say,
""they're my precioussss! don't touch them, you louse!""
"
"in july, we were out near the bluff,
when we spotted a lake.  sure enough,
all except prudish pam
rushed to strip, and we swam
in our birthday suits, clad in the buff!
"
"jean-claude's such a cheapskate, you know?
he'll only go skiing on eau.
and barefoot, no less?
mon dieu, let me guess:
pour les skis he won't shell out the dough!
"
"where is benedict, new pope of rome?
he's been down in a deep catacomb.
and upon his return
he turned left at the urn,
and got lost. now he's wound up in nome!
"
"sylvester the cat reached for tweety,
a bird who was well fed and meaty,
but the cage had no birds!
just a note with these words:
""sowwy, puddy, i've fwed to tahiti!""
"
"the burglar who moves like a snail
will surely be carted to jail.
once there, he's distraught
o'er the big bucks he sought,
because this time he needs them for bail.
"
"my rich friends on the yacht were impressed,
by a tall curvy blonde. (what a chest!)
though the bimbo played dumb,
she was smarter than some,
who succumbed to her every request.
"
"cage aux folles was a play made in france,
which hollywood filmed to ""enhance.""
called the birdcage, this rag
had gene hackman in drag
and a pre-ally flockhart romance.
"
"while at shul in the city of lima,
oy vey, i was called to the bema.
""recite the next prayer!""
i stood, gasping for air,
""but i can't, rabbi?my emphysema!""
"
"dear reader, don't think me misguided
when i shriek, ""can't you see it's lopsided?!""
only evens are rad,
and the odds make me mad,
despite taking the meds i'm provided.
"
"in the pale early light, my delorean
raced quickly on roads ecuadorian.
the sun rose in the skies ?
and good god, my poor eyes!
i was blinded by sunshine aurorean.
"
"for years my pal ben would get laid.
he's a benedict now, i'm afraid.
as he's soon to be wed,
he can no longer bed
every chick, dame, coquette, tramp and maid.
"
"""carbonara for me,"" said a bloke
in a diner.  the waiter then spoke:
""oh forgive us, sir, please,
we have bacon, ham, cheese
but no eggs.  i'm not kidding.  no yolk.""
"
"when cadaverous bach burns his pages
of music, don't worry.  this ""rage"" is
not quite what it seems
'cause he cheekily beams:
""i've been here, decomposing, for ages!""
"
"if you want to hawk goods with aplomb
to each modern dick, harry or tom,
we have ad space for sale
on our website.   just mail
me@internetadverts.com.
"
"oh, an aerosol bomb is a blast.
it can kill garden pests really fast.
and a quick squirt a day
of another fine spray
makes rank armpits a thing of the past.
"
"when you bring home the bacon, you strain
to support the adored ball and chain.
if you leave out the bacon
(if i'm not mistaken)
bring home means ""make perfectly plain"".
"
"the insurance man sold me some stuff
'cause his spiel was relentless and tough.
i'm no sensible man, though?
dismemberment plan? oh
i reckon it's armless enough.
"
"he is similar; larger, in weight
than the cigarette beetle, his mate.
steal in drugstores? he'll risk it.
this breed takes the biscuit,
so weevil get very irate.
"
"a byelaw's a localised quelling
of minor provincial rebelling
against rules and manners.
(a bylaw might ban us
from using alternative spelling!)
"
"a blocked currency won't be entangled
in markets: its maker has strangled
supply to world trade.
not for sale, i'm afraid,
till competitive carrots are dangled.
"
"an anticollision appliance
means less unsupported reliance
on pilots who falter.
let's pray at the altar
of new aeronautical science.
"
"my power to pee was pathetic,
and thus i became anuretic.
how the catheter hurt
that they had to insert!
man, i wish they had used anaesthetic.
"
"on the first day of sex education,
mikey's teacher had some trepidation.
but the kid was blas?,
""oh ms. horn, it's ok ?
i watch porn on the pay-per-view station.""
"
"flying airplanes requires perfection,
checking altitude, airspeed, direction.
but my co-pilot, violet,
turned on autopilot
and me with some ""mile-high"" affection!
"
"when lunch found a bad spot to nest in,
causing blockage in fred's small intestine,
dr. ted gave a med,
and then said, ""swallow, fred ?
find a loo and a bed you can rest in.""
"
"while iming a good friend named j
who lives far away, in la,
i had to go p,
so i told him, u c:
""sorry, j, gonna b afk.""
"
"oy vey, has my body been aching!
you should ask, now you think that i'm faking?
my joints ache arthritically,
so stop acting critically!
they've recalled all this dreck i've been taking!
"
"it's quite common, when coding, to find
that you've got the right thing but wrong kind.
when you need a coercion
that's not a conversion,
then cast; the compiler won't mind.
"
"in a video game, any section
of the screen may become a selection,
whereof measurements prove
that you made the wrong move
and have died. that's collision detection.
"
"an acquaintance of mine from the corps
lost an arm and both legs in the war.
it was very traumatic;
he's turned quite erratic
and isn't all there any more.
"
"they're alike in their essence, the trinity,
and comparable in their divinity.
father, son, and the ghost
are as one, not a host:
consubstantial, an equal infinity.
"
"function f has parameter p
of type s; and another type t
that derives from that class
is a p you can pass
into f. contravariance, see?
"
"get a glimpse o' these diamonds, me beauty!
them's me latest consignment o' booty.
contrabandists, we trade in
the spoils o' the raidin',
tax-free ? 'cause we never pays duty.
"
"he's a blogger, an internet bore
with unwanted opinions galore.
once you've read what he thinks,
you'll find dozens more links
in his blogroll. feel free to explore!
"
"a languid and gloomy romantic
wished to learn what it meant to be frantic.
he procured from some thugs
a consignment of drugs,
whose effects made him quite corybantic.
"
"for contraplex message transmission,
the signals must meet this condition:
they are sent out in phase
but in different ways,
and they pass in direct opposition.
"
"when beth comes to play in the attic,
i submit to her whims. charismatic,
she dreams up a quest
and dictates how they dressed,
and we dress thus, for beth's cosmocratic.
"
"he's in prison; his treason was base.
it's a very long sentence he'll face.
but here's a surprise:
a pardon. how wise!
said the monarch: ""that's my act of grace.""
"
"now samuel butler's great fame
is divided; there's two of that name.
erewhon? hudibras?
who wrote which? no, i pass.
but really these men aren't the same.
"
"a scottish word, a'body's ""all"" ?
that means everyone, little or tall.
well, i'd never heard this;
it was easy to miss.
i suppose that its usage is small.
"
"there once was a raven (called quoth)
whose croak was no more than an oath.
he rasped, ""nevermore"",
as he tapped at the door.
was he crude? was he rude? he was both.
"
"now this is a curious rule,
never taught in a college or school:
that jazz, we are told,
isn't warm, isn't cold.
no it's not. it is hot or it's cool.
"
"king edward was quite agitated,
and though he became number eight ""ed"",
his affection for wallis
was then his one solace;
for soon he had gone, abdicated.
"
"macbeth was quite out of his mind
with fear and with doubt ? such a bind.
just hear his complaint
expressing restraint:
he was cabined and cribbed and confined.
"
"the vision of arthur c. clarke
was seldom too wide of the mark.
but 2001
was a bit overdone,
although space has become comsat park.
"
"that obscurest of laureates, cibber
was mocked by a. pope (the great ribber).
he was rude; he was vain,
and a bit of a pain;
and his verses, pope said, were just gibber.
"
"now chortle is carroll's portmanteau.
it's found in the jabberwock canto.
it combines, we are taught,
both chuckle and snort;
and it's how i react to a panto.
"
"the term bauerwurst sausage portrays
a tautologous noun-phrase malaise,
because sausage translates
into wurst. how that grates!
tautological crime never pays.
"
"as a goalkeeper, based in algiers,
he lost them a match ? say his peers.
when asked of this, he
claimed sincerely to be
""philosophical"".  (drum roll, please.  cheers.)
"
"the adjustable wrench, i revere.
it's so easy to set, mummy dear.
that's ironic.  your face
has just emptied the place:
""bag of spanners"" is not even near.
"
"if your world's fallen through, and you're doleful,
find music that's funky and soulful.
it's acid; it's jazz ?
what a reveller has
for his breakfast (a musical bowlful).
"
"if you gamble with cowhands, be bold
just enough to try bluffs ? to strike gold!
'cause, accordiong to aces:
assume poker faces
and even bombachas will fold!
"
"california ? once home to a stan
(teamed with ollie) of whom i'm a fan ?
gave its name to a tree
in the land of the free.
it's a laurel (the tree, and the man).
"
"television can make me unstable?
who cares?  just as long as i'm able
to get every show.
let inanity flow
through a half-inch coaxial cable.
"
"a dirt track felt callous, cold hate,
so a shrink checked its cognitive state.
""you are sick in the head,""
the psychiatrist said.
""you're a dangerous cycle path, mate!""
"
"as geography teachers can show,
if a body of water can flow,
it erodes the bed's surface.
would rap fans prefer this? ?
""base level: how low can it go?""
"
"to burn ears in the us of a:
to rebuke in a powerful way.
but when british ears burn,
you discuss out of turn
some poor sap who can't hear what you say.
"
"i really do try to keep calm
when bomb is pronounced just as balm.
but i'd lose my aplomb
if i rhymed balm with bomb.
so which of the two causes harm?
"
"he started with pete, dud, and jon.
alan bennett resembles a don.
he writes about fools,
eccentrics and schools;
my favourite: forty years on.
"
"now, birdwatchers, what's this we hear?
is it true that, for most of the year,
the black-headed gull
is really quite dull?
and the common gull's rarer; how queer!
"
"an invention that no-one can beat,
so effective it's almost a cheat:
i can see wide and far,
for binoculars are
little parallel telescopes ? neat.
"
"i'd hoped that the rhythm would harden,
with rhymes that would not require pardon.
but i have to admit,
with no topic nor wit,
that this limerick's common or garden.
"
"is it really the case that champagne,
even french, is so good for the brain?
well sinatra and bing
could both really sing,
so maybe we need not abstain.
"
"though banquo's young son got away,
he himself fell a victim that day.
by the end of the story
his locks were quite gory.
is that what they call scottish play?
"
"now classical music can mean
just the genre that comes in between
the baroque and romantic;
but that's too pedantic.
it's really a much wider scene.
"
"this site's a remarkable feat,
with limericks skillful and neat.
the rhymes have such flair
that i start to despair.
let's face it, i cannot compete.
"
"in calculus, theorems are found
that imply enough maths to astound.
the real numbers yield
a complete ordered field,
and always a least upper bound.
"
"my brother got wasted one day,
and i got my revenge where he lay:
with two chicklets well-placed,
his front teeth were defaced,
and i laughed at his bucktoothed display.
"
"what a great ""man's best friend"" i just got,
'cause i like to break wind quite a lot.
yes it's true, i've no shame;
now the dog gets the blame.
every fart comes from him?true or not.
"
"the nuns never let him write left,
though his backhand delivery was deft.
he's bereft of what's right.
still, the nuns seem uptight
'cause his writing slants left?and with heft!
"
"if you got on a monarch's bad side,
the bastille would be cursed by your bride.
you would cry to your wife,
""i will be here for life,
or until ol' king tight-ass has died.""
"
"if you said bearded iris was male,
on the flower test surely you'd fail.
there are girls who despair
having dark facial hair,
but their feminine side will prevail.
"
"an assumable loan has a perk:
someone's done all the tedious work.
if your credit's all set,
you can take on the debt
of a loan someone else tried to shirk.
"
"my allergies caused baryphonia
when i happened upon a begonia.
i'm a lady of class,
so i hope it will pass,
'cause i sound like a man from slavonia.
"
"he was blissfully blind to the truth
that no fairy would come for his tooth.
i awoke from his holler,
""a tooth, but no dollar!""
so dad had to lie to his sleuth.
"
"if the tin man, pre-birth, had a twin
who was blessed with a heart deep within,
we can safely assume,
while those twins shared the womb,
that young tin's the acardius kin.
"
"as adjunct, or short-term professor,
you'll have the occasional stressor:
no parking; no tenure;
no office; and then you're
replaced by your part-time successor.
"
"""every day to teach 'a' they recite me;
every year in times square they ignite me.
i've kept doctors away,
and i've led eve astray?
i'm beat,"" said the apple. ""just bite me.""
"
"though some look on lust with disgust,
its adaptive effects are robust:
our pairing ensures
that our species endures,
so my darling, let's do what we must.
"
"a science geek loved a girl actor,
and needed some way to attract her.
he said, ""do ya wanna
see intestinal fauna?""
and showed her his pet aerobacter.
"
"hymns of praise do i sing to putrescence,
and hosannas to every excrescence.
an idolator? no?
an aischrolator; so
in debris i see god's divine essence.
"
"my figure, as you can well see,
is flat from my neck to my knee.
if i looked like an ""s,""
i could fill out a dress,
so doctor, please annodate me.
"
"we're ""alienated,"" contends
mr. marx, 'cause the shop ain't the men's.
but the means of producin'
ain't all that seducin'?
we'd rather have more of the ends.
"
"the folks of the young abiturient
did all that they could to make sure he went
to the school that was best,
but they couldn't have guessed,
he planned only to study things prurient.
"
"artie aardvark was spousally bound,
'til his snoot tried to root the wrong mound.
as he lay on the gurney,
said wife to attorney,
""serves him right for aardvarking around.""
"
"king richard the second's oration
gives viewers like me consternation.
by the end of the play
what's occurred i can't say:
neither coup nor a true abdication.
"
"new parents, heed this bit of news:
your tots are biphasic. the clues?
in the first phase they're sweet,
but you sound your retreat
when they enter the terrible twos.
"
"charles dickens made spite incidental,
his satires uplifting and gentle.
such humanist novels
of urchins and hovels
are sometimes surmised sentimental.
"
"our affaire d'honneur proved i was blessed on
the morning i'd carefully dressed on.
only one came away
from our meeting that day,
since my foe had no bulletproof vest on.
"
"though a browser can faithfully render
bulging breasts in sweet digital splendour,
that's demeaning indeed;
cyberfeminist screed
says the net isn't just for one gender.
"
"it's no devilish trespass to bake
a rich, chocolatey devil's food cake;
but it's sin, i will own,
to consume it alone,
and i wonder if god sent this ache.
"
"take some chicken, shallots (chop them fine),
herbs and mushrooms, a dash of white wine.
gently simmer and stir
to make chicken chasseur:
gallus gallus of gallic design.
"
"of the bible i've read every letter,
and i have no religious vendetta,
but i can't stand those sikhs ?
pantheistical freaks!
coreligionists suit me far better.
"
"my profession is that of coureur
de bois, a rogue trader in fur;
so i trek through the woods
to meet tribes and swap goods,
a canadian entrepreneur.
"
"i am sober, can stand without reeling.
i've no rash, and my skin is not peeling.
nonetheless, i'm not well;
but what's wrong? i can't tell.
it's just an all-overish feeling.
"
"cybercrime: acts of a scammer
on the net, like a phisher or spammer,
or a teen who plays pranks
on the internet banks.
(can he hack his way out of the slammer?)
"
"she's a mixture, a siamese version,
and i'm proud of this colourpoint persian.
she has dark face and tail
on a body that's pale,
and was bred for this pigment dispersion.
"
"camels convey animosity
contemptuously, with velocity?
a gob of viscosity
shot out the proboscity
and onto your hat's an atrocity.
"
"if your sf adventure requires
some star-to-star telephone wires
for deep-space connections,
then check the selections
at ansible retail suppliers.
"
"this critic's of minor repute;
his empathy's much too acute:
the awful soprano
who shrieked through ""? strano!""
he called ""just minutely argute.""
"
"young abital, fresh-faced and cheery
(her name means she's ""dewy,"" not teary),
became the fifth spouse
within king david's house,
after two, three, and four had grown weary.
"
"the sunflower bragged he'd grow faster
than daisy, and shortly he passed her.
she wilted, ashamed,
until poppy exclaimed,
""ignore him; he's just a big aster.""
"
"prof. windy's just slightly bombastic
when ranting on matters scholastic?
his students conjecture
they rebuilt his lecture
hall's walls to be aeroelastic.
"
"our ceo's new acquisition
was purchased against its volition:
his corporate raiders
were ruthless invaders
who tendered it into submission.
"
"infection spreads through the haustoria
that grow from the flat appressoria
of 'shrooms parasitical;
they work like political
campaign ads transmitting dysphoria.
"
"its symptoms include somnolescence,
aggression, and foul-mouthed excrescence?
it's nothing malign;
your kid'll be fine,
if you can survive adolescence.
"
"when wayland the smith (long ago)
laid a sword on his anvil, aglow?
his aboutsledge he'd raise
with the furnace ablaze
and deliver a thunderous blow.
"
"the witchlet's expensive athame
was mocked by her big brother kwame:
""that knife's got no power;
it can't cut a flower!""
shazam?he became edamame.
"
"abounding means ""more than just more"";
it's more like profuse or galore,
and much like redundance.
abounding abundance
is more of too many times four.
"
"both wimsatt and beardsley proclaim
that critics are justly to blame
for always appealing
to readerly feeling?
that affective fallacy game.
"
"when adepts employ invocations,
they're sticklers for target locations;
they've got to stay clear
of where demons appear,
or else there'd be grave complications.
"
"not auditing each nook and cranny?
the acid-test ratio's canny:
just add up their net,
then divide by their debt,
to see if they're worth a rat's fanny.
"
"surprised by his bride's ardent heat,
the caliph suspected deceit.
""did you come here intact?""
""oh yes, sir! in fact,
your affeerment's the stain on the sheet!""
"
"""this dinner's delicious! korean?""
the host replied, ""androphagean.""
""how exotic!"" they said,
but they would have dropped dead
had they known they'd enjoyed human bein'.
"
"you trainers all try to outflank us
by jabbing our hides with an ankus;
but we elephants would
do our tricks just as good
if you'd learn to say ""please"" and then thank us.
"
"ancientry hangs in the air,
and the shattered stone face wears a stare.
waves of sand rolling past,
without pause, deep and vast,
lost in time.  worn away.  nothing there.
"
"think hamlet was aboulomanic?
it's true that a choice made him panic.
sure, it's hard to decide
to commit regicide,
but i still think his panic's organic.
"
"curses! we toiled and we toiled,
but our sinister schemes were all spoiled.
these unfulfilled villainous
plots are just killin' us.
why can't the heroes be foiled?
"
"fumed a bee with a flap of its wing,
""we can't gather up pollen or sting!
something's clogged our corbiculae,
soddened our spiculae:
rain is a terrible thing!""
"
"a scheming young student named scott
tried to take out more cash than he'd got.
when his bank card was swallowed,
he panicked and followed.
he's stuck till they widen the slot.
"
"though a pointer is only a label,
you should give it respect if you're able.
const correctness ensures
you don't change what's not yours;
it can help you keep programs more stable.
"
"it's a four-pointed hat for a lancer,
often plumed ? quite a fashion enhancer! ?
that the polish adopted
and others co-opted.
what is it? a czapka's your answer.
"
"the czarevich (son of czar; russian)
got embroiled in a heated discussion
with his sis anastasia
and might have aphasia
from czarevna-occasioned concussion.
"
"it's stressful, my life as a vassal.
we're besieged in my liege's old castle,
and a fortification
(or contravallation)
they're building outside. what a hassle!
"
"a tragedy's wholly cathartical
if it purges your feelings, no particle
of emotion retained,
aristotle explained
in poetics, his seminal article.
"
"america's products keep heading
this way, and her values are spreading.
coca-colonisation:
the slow propagation
of everything europe's been dreading.
"
"if you're careless when visiting benidorm
(""double room, sir?"" ""oh, just give me any dorm."")
and you find you've no comb,
having left it at home,
use a fork: it's essentially cteniform.
"
"""my jane's on a boat.  she's aboard
a west indian cruise,"" said miss ford.
""jamaica?"" i queried.
""oh no,"" she said, wearied,
""she went of her own free accord.""
"
"so you yanks think it's made out of cotton?
(it's candy, in case you've forgotten.)
post-eating it, floss!
if you don't, mourn the loss
of your teeth.  trust me, tooth decay's rotten.
"
"a friend calls me up to disclose
that his canine (his dog) has no nose.
i ask, ""how does it smell?""
which invites him to tell
me, ""just terrible, mate, as it goes.""
"
"a guy can be handsome and hunky ?
his biceps, so brawnily chunky.
but without a good mind,
he's the link that mankind
is still missing from human to monkey.
"
"on the first of july, feasts are fiery:
canadians say, ""this is why we
became what we are.
this dominion's come far.
now you canada day to your diary!""
"
"loving everything cakey, i'll go
into bakeries, train as a pro.
it's a difficult art
with a 4 a.m. start,
but i hear that they make lots of dough.
"
"you break off a wee bit from a mass.
you break off a wee date with a lass.
and the last of the ways
to employ the same phrase:
you break off...
"
"""campanology really is swell!""
quasimodo, the hunchback, would yell.
esmerelda's reply:
""campanology? my,
a big word.  and it sure rings a bell.""
"
"the causeless young rebel, james dean,
was an angst-ridden star of the screen.
but his death wasn't causeless:
a witness said, pauseless,
""the speed that he reached was obscene!""
"
"""eggs are fatty,"" said jacques, off the cuff,
""calorific, and all that bad stuff.
yet you english eat two
with your breakfast.  mon dieu!
here in france, though, one egg is un oeuf.""
"
"like a whale in a puddle he swam,
that fine lexicographer sam.
his tough reputation
inspired veneration,
and johnson was called the great cham.
"
"exquisite is scannable what way
you choose; and there's really no not way.
but ""quis"" will sound nice,
while ""ex"" will suffice
for a fop out of congreve or otway.
"
"iain banks was a writer, prolific,
with novels both wry and horrific.
when he wearied of them,
he added an ""m"",
and his fiction became scientific.
"
"there's a book that i think merits praise;
it's a tome about fable and phrase.
it's brewer who wrote it,
and each time we quote it,
we see erudition ablaze.
"
"when i'm feeling unwell and infirm,
and i wail and complain and i squirm,
for emotional smoothing
i need something soothing:
anetic (a medical term).
"
"to enhance and embellish and sweeten
its image, the posh school in eton
is known as a college.
we're forced to acknowledge
tradition can never be beaten.
"
"when it's hard to negotiate stairways
and your sight is reduced to a bare haze,
the shakespearean stage
has a word for old age:
you've arrived, says the bard, at your chairdays.
"
"their draughtsmanship leaves me in awe;
it's perfect, with never a flaw:
leonardo and d?rer,
picasso and seurat;
but still i keep trying to draw.
"
"georg cantor was hailed as a hero;
or derided, a clown, a sad pierrot.
his diagonal proof
just made some stand aloof.
but his countable sets measure zero.
"
"so what's the continuum's size?
aleph one or beyond we surmise.
paul cohen has shown
that the size can't be known.
and that was a total surprise.
"
"my photographer friend was vociferous:
""an egg, sir, is albuminiferous!
but get one still new
or your face'll turn blue,
as a rotten one's quite odoriferous.""
"
"anaphora means ""repetition"".
and now for a church definition:
a holy oblation,
divine adunation,
in orthodox christian tradition.
"
"a pedagogue taught little laura.
a demagogue speaks with an aura.
-agogue is ""a leader"".
a good hebrew reader
will read, at the synagogue, torah.
"
"good king abgar was leprous (or gouty),
but had faith, so a note he sent out. he
addressed it to jesus
and said, ""it would please us
to host you. come heal us. be doughty!""
"
"""anthophobia,"" said spider to bee,
""is the difference between you and me ?
for bugs, i'll wait hours,
while you fly to flowers!
they just give me the shivers, you see?""
"
"there is now, in the town of nairobi, a
diplomat bound for the gobi (a
desert).  he's wailing:
he only fears failing!
a case of true atychiphobia.
"
"amasiah: a captain of judah.
king jehosaphat loved to include a
man so compelling.
the king was just kvelling!
what a mensch! he was noble as buddha.
"
"this limerick neatly describes
alemanni, a grouping of tribes.
they fought with the romans,
but heeded the omens
and came to the cross (say the scribes).
"
"a singlet (one lens) is transparent,
but its focus is likely aberrant
when color's concerned.
as newton once learned,
achromatism isn't inherent.
"
"to adrianopolis, go
and see hadrian's city ? although
it's been turkish for years,
so on maps it appears
as edirne (much more apropos).
"
"mr. sobek, a greedy historian,
insured and then torched his delorean;
he extinguished his smile
using crocodile guile,
and his tears were, of course, archosaurian.
"
"a stripper who boasted of knowing
the latin for ""came,"" ""went,"" and ""going""
tattooed her pudenda
with scholars' addenda,
and frankly, her pedantry's showing.
"
"creationists can't be persuaded
that men are to monkeys related:
from eve through leviticus,
australopithecus
ain't listed among the created.
"
"my homework report on the media
i swiped from that site, wikipedia,
though i would have preferred
not to turn in a word
and laze in a state of acedia.
"
"our present-day protestantism
resulted from separatism
when luther said, ""nope,
do not bank on the pope
to deliver you from the abysm.""
"
"a mobster who choked on spaghetti
came back as a psychic named betty;
but as for his aura,
it wore a fedora,
and called itself fancy pants freddy.
"
"he ordered those pills for auxesis
so his wife wouldn't use a prosthesis.
though augmented in size,
it neglected to rise,
so he boned up on psychokinesis.
"
"denoting ""to god he is true,""
it's a name that today we eschew,
so the odds are unreal
that you've met an abiel,
but victorians knew quite a few.
"
"puccini's got pooches, great danes;
gotkavsky, a goat that complains;
but john philip sousa's
got two appaloosas
with ribbons tied all through their manes.
"
"since our whiskey's been found to be spit-laced,
you'll notice our still's not permit-graced.
it's aboveproof as well,
and as you can tell,
our patrons get totally shi?nebriated.
"
"some of ali's disciples were odd,
in believing their teacher was god!
the alawis endured
and so now, rest assured,
they rule syria, thanks to assad.
"
"at academy, plato was glad
to bestow all the wisdom he had;
he'd wax academic,
engaged in polemic:
now, both can be read as acad.
"
"the mad doctor ming was psychotic.
the brew he mixed up was exotic,
with lye and petroleum
(a taste like linoleum!).
it left the mad doc alkalotic.
"
"now abraham (boy, was he zealous!)
said, ""fellas, the girls will be jealous!
let's find a sharp flint
and try not to squint.
it's time that we all get apellous.""
"
"said the cuckold to julia, his wife:
""my dear, we'd have had far less strife
without your affair,
but now i despair!
your apistia's ruined my life.""
"
"whether mosques of the moorish iberians
or the carpets of crafty kashmirians ?
when one wholly reflects
on artistic effects,
one will have an aesthetic experience.
"
"our products have endless variety.
we spend with no trace of sobriety.
the poor are all nervous,
with scant social service.
that's us: an affluent society.
"
"what's an ad hoc hypothesis for?
it pertains to one case and no more!
it allows for no testing.
an argument resting
on such leads to problems galore.
"
"""no depth!"" was her cause for rejection.
now the painter applies, as correction,
a deepening haze
to obscure the eye's gaze.
he has learned atmospheric projection.
"
"said ceo jeff to his minion:
""all i want is financial dominion!
but i fear that the books
will earn, for us crooks,
an auditor's adverse opinion.""
"
"for auscultatory devices,
a stethoscope often suffices.
with baby's heart thumping,
expectant mom's jumping,
and father's concerned about prices.
"
"my limerick shan't be accredited
until it's been formally edited.
comments pleasant or terse
about meter and verse
help my rhyme to define what i said it did.
"
"crisp white, with embroidered caduceus,
take note of our coats, but when you see us
please take no alarm,
for we first do no harm.
(just stay healthy, so only a few see us.)
"
"when you eat jalape?os with zest,
and you feel the heat grow in your chest,
this intense conflagration
with quick acerbation
is heartburn. take bromo and rest.
"
"beg pardon, allow me to vent:
i'm certain it's not what you meant.
but your calling me ""honey""
while i manage your money
i construed as a rude condescent!
"
"when gametes don't meet it's a shame;
reproduction sans love, and the name
of my newly found nemesis
is agamogenesis.
one parent, and genes are the same.
"
"the lab rats are handled with care,
sedated and shaved of all hair.
now the vermin'll get
an abterminal set
of muscular shocks to compare.
"
"upending the sausage-dog fryer's bliss,
i proclaimed to the vendor, ""too dry is this!
it just couldn't be crisper!""
he replied with a whisper,
""a link that's too pink?  allantiasis!""
"
"he's a nerd, in a word, professorial?
and scared by a glare accusatorial.
she made him feel guilty
and his pride became wilty,
in this dance of romance immemorial.
"
"when your knight moved in front of your queen,
at first sight, 'twas the worst move i'd seen.
and it got me to wondering,
""a trap? or he's blundering?""
are you crafty or really that green?
"
"revolution for peace, land and bread!
come on comrade, let bolshevism spread!
let's make death the decree
for the whole bourgeoisie!
but alas! all the reds are now dead...
"
"meet my friend, good francisco montoya,
who walked way too far from la jolla.
cooked by heat he mistook,
for a drink and a book,
a bottle of sand and a cholla.
"
"his sword and new armor were gleamin',
but he turned and he ran away screamin'.
my fighter's too weak
and he lacks the physique
to stand up to the fierce cacodaemon!
"
"at chalcedon, jesus became
fully god, fully man (so they claim).
old istanbul lies on
its western horizon
and kadikoy, right now, is its name.
"
"to the christians, his work was abusive.
the true discourse of celsus: deducive
polemic that called them
all fools and appalled them.
they found origen's answer conclusive.
"
"""conchobar,"" the celticist stated,
""was king among celts,"" and she rated
the cycle of ulster
as that which impulsed her
and left her quite breathless and sated.
"
"aetius: ""atheist"", arian;
found homoousia simply barbarian.
expelled and recalled
till the poor man was bald,
he died an unbending contrarian.
"
"my attempt to determine her asianness:
""is that chinese-ness, miss, or malaysian-ness?""
but she said, ""i'm a turk,
you big fat-headed jerk!""
my mistake's due to narrow caucasian-ness.
"
"the results of my research are clear
in the thesis i wrote my last year.
i held fast without pleasure
and endeavored to measure
adsorbate (it likes to adhere).
"
"this averroes chap was quite keen
that the stagirite's works should be seen.
in the west he was taught,
and they said that he thought
that two truths that are true contravene.
"
"my lord, how i do love the bourbon;
'tis true i do not wear the turban.
my religion's subscribers
are frequent imbibers
(a fact that you might find disturbin').
"
"abominating's hating extremely?
a negative feeling, unseemly.
but when you have crossed
past a point where you're lost,
then your hate seals your fate quite supremely.
"
"i'm praisin' achilles, the tendon,
that keeps my poor ankle a-bendin'.
if it happens to tear,
i'll be stuck in a chair
(one with wheels on) for weeks while a-mendin'.
"
"the wee gymnast performed in korea,
but sadly she had no idea
that the price of her talents,
with her weight in the balance,
was the onset of amenorrhea.
"
"accommodatingly, waiters appear
bringing cocktails and whiskey and beer.
they're obliging and quick,
and i make myself sick
as the end of my bender draws near.
"
"she was lovely, this dark-haired galatian,
but her skin needed exfoliation.
so adarca she tried,
'til it chafed off her hide,
and this caused her extreme consternation.
"
"she autistically, silently, rocked.
her mysterious mind was still locked.
lost deeply in thought,
what has her brain wrought?
not a guess could her doctor concoct.
"
"abortiveness cut short his mission
to depart from his wife and go fishin'.
'twas brought on by her sigh
when she kissed him goodbye,
and effected this change in position.
"
"acceleratingly downhill she sped.
increasingly speeding, she led
the police in pursuit?
all for stealing some fruit
to arrange on a hat for her head.
"
"he pursued lady fair, most incessantly.
sunlight shone in her hair luminescently.
when he asked her to wed,
she just lowered her head,
and agreed, but a bit acquiescently.
"
"betty mae sings a daily aubade;
that's a greeting, a musical nod
to the morn (but not quite,
'cause she sings it at night,
which is more than a little bit odd).
"
"what's basipetal, gard'ners may hear,
moves from apex to base in a clear,
simple pattern one sees
in some flowers and trees,
and in actor ben affleck's career.
"
"when i'm looking for food in my larder,
i use zeal and intensity: ardor.
though the cupboard's quite bare,
i may find something there
if i look just a little bit harder.
"
"what is used to entice is called bait,
which to place in the water and wait
is a pastime held high
in regard, though just why
no one's ever been able to state.
"
"if it's roofed and was built for the view,
then one terms it a belvedere. few
are like ours. the design
is ornate and divine.
(it's the first in the trailer park, too.)
"
"though assassinate simply means ""slay,""
it's not used for just any old prey,
only big vips,
so don't murder me, please;
but assassinate? yeah, well, okay.
"
"making babies is common, and yet
to beget's seldom spoken, i'll bet.
where it isn't so rare
is the bible, and there
how it's done we're supposed to forget.
"
"when you multiply, add, or subtract,
that's arithmetic. each is an act
fairly simple and sane:
good, clean fun for the brain.
(then there's trig, which is totally cracked.)
"
"has your vigor entirely fled?
you're not breathing? no pulse can be read?
then you're more than just sick;
get an autopsy, quick!
(that's a check-up you get when you're dead.)
"
"to offer a meal that you've laced
with helpings of arsenic (based
on the fact there's no flavor
a person can savor)
could not be considered good taste.
"
"a young girl from abroad, the au pair
comes and lives with a family to care
for the children. mama
gets a break, and papa
a good chance to be human and err.
"
"what's anathema's greatly disliked,
like a fare when the price was just hiked,
or a sudden, harsh chill,
or a dentist with drill,
or a punch bowl that hasn't been spiked.
"
"an antacid will serve to erase
the effects of an acid, each trace.
when the stomach complains
it can lighten the pains.
(to make jokes on this theme would be base.)
"
"with asphyxia, someone turns blue
from low oxygen, high co2.
choking, drowning, and gas
can each bring it to pass.
i don't care for it. how about you?
"
"to assume something means to assess
and accept without proof there to bless
the belief. if untrue,
it's a problem for you.
me, i never assume. i just guess.
"
"that each tiny, industrious ant
has a serious function, i grant.
for the hill as a whole,
he fulfills his small role.
but i've squashed this one good, so he can't.
"
"sharing verse with a nubile young guest,
i crooned softly, ""the amphibrach's stressed
in the middle, my plum.
see, it's not 'da da dum,'
but 'da dum da.'"" she wasn't impressed.
"
"the lord's nickname (of sorts), adonai
is a substitute jews must employ,
for his real name we jews
are forbidden to use.
it's not done. if we did say it?oy!
"
"use aboral when something's ""away
from the mouth,"" like the side of a ray
or a starfish that's south
when the north's got the mouth?
or that fruitcake of mom's, christmas day.
"
"this denying myself (abnegation),
has been tough in the face of temptation,
but i've done it just fine
since a quarter to nine
and i feel that i've earned a vacation.
"
"the word am is a form of ""to be""
focused first-person-singularly,
which is probably why
it's so popular. i
think it's peachy. it's all about me!
"
"as the song of a brave gondolier,
every barcarolle fills me with fear.
it's a nice enough song
(with a weak beat, then strong),
but i wish he'd stop singing and steer!
"
"a bardolater worships the bard
(that means shakespeare), which shouldn't be hard,
but i saw, as a kid,
a king lear that they did
in the nude, and it left me quite scarred.
"
"what aesthetics intends to convey
is the study of beauty. each day
i review what i've learned
in the branch that's concerned
with those photos that sell lingerie.
"
"if you're mentioned as having asthenia,
you've the strength of a wilting gardenia;
you're incredibly weak
and your wasted physique
would be slender if there were thirteen a' ya.
"
"though hardly a word that's opaque
(it means ""of an aunt,"" for pete's sake!),
the adjective auntly
is used very scantly
and always appears a mistake.
"
"it's a heck of a garment, the apron.
whether cut at sharp angles or tap'rin',
it protects the cook's clothes
from what splatters and flows.
got a wife? it's the best thing to drape 'r in.
"
"""if you're living, they call you alive,
a condition toward which you should strive,""
wise old granddaddy said,
""for, my boy, when you're dead
you will find it a challenge to thrive.""
"
"my wife's mother is voiceless, aphonic
(a condition which might become chronic
if i'm lucky). does bliss
get much better than this?
well, she might contract something bubonic.
"
"autodidacts, self-teachers, amaze.
the impressive long label conveys
that they're teachers who work
very hard and don't shirk.
(but when grading, they always give a's.)
"
"when i ordered, the bartender said,
""you want amer picon?"" ? scratched his head.
""orange bitters with gentian?
it's too rare to mention!
i'll use angostura instead.""
"
"i am crewing my clipper, the demon,
and your seamanship skills i'm esteemin'.
you're good enough, mate,
to be paid able rate,
fitting wage for a fine able seaman!
"
"from its lawns filled with plastic flamingos
to its restaurant, ""three drunken gringos,""
this southwestern town
has a tacky renown,
and its motto is apt: ""anything goes.""
"
"abney levels: surveyors' best hope
of measuring angles of slope
between points a and b ?
say, from here to that tree ?
without using long pieces of rope.
"
"with a zeal on the verge of fanatical
and a brevity apophthegmatical,
my english prof rants
with a withering glance,
""ain't ain't a word that's grammatical!""
"
"when hitler was newly self-slain,
evil scientists salvaged his brain.
his cortex was shaved,
basal ganglia saved,
for the secrets his mind might contain.
"
"now a is for absey-book, see?
that's an alphabet primer.  and b
is for bunny, and so on ?
you merrily go on
eventually ending at z.
"
"as my dentist repaired an abscession
(that's a painful infected depression)
his manner was curt,
and his instruments hurt,
so i bit him: ""lt tht be a lsshn!""
"
"a conquistador legend once told
of seven great cities of gold.
where was c?bola? (guess!
the southwestern u.s.!)
but the treasure trail always ran cold.
"
"in peru's pre-columbian lore
lived the peaceful chim? of chimor.
but hook, line and sinka,
they fell to the inca
(in chan chan they weren't good at war).
"
"when there's somebody that you are suing,
and a shyster approaches you, wooing:
""i'll support your case, but
i'll be taking a cut,""
that is champerty.  say, ""nothing doing!""
"
"""now the key,"" said my we,
""is the anapest foot, dah-dah-dee.""
but in practice, it's tougher;
my limericks suffer
from lapsing-to-iambic syndrome ? see?
"
"if your girlfriend's inclined to forget,
and her mind is apparently set
'twixt the earth and the moon, her
behavior's cislunar
(a nice way to say ""space cadet"").
"
"to indulge your concupiscent mood,
there's a strip club that's just been debuted
with erotic young hotties'
pilates-toned bodies
(a lot of them frolicking nude).
"
"in discussing this year's tour de france,
you are honest, when asked for your stance:
""i don't like sports,"" you say,
""but the bike shorts?  well, hey ?
i like lycra on cyclists like lance.""
"
"in the morning, with sunlight's accrescence,
blooms dawn's rosy-pale efflorescence.
as day slowly breaks
and the world gently wakes,
a word is reborn: luminescence.
"
"in trading with northwestern factions,
chinook jargon got favored reactions.
a smidgen of pidgin
would help with the bridgin'
of cultures, and smooth your transactions.
"
"baroclinity-based weather data
pertains to the tilted air strata
that, when they get spinning,
may cause some tree thinning,
and make your backyard a lot flatta.
"
"said a nanotech expert named kirk, ""it's
through ball bonding microchips work. it's
a minuscule melding,
a ball-to-wire welding,
completing electrical circuits.""
"
"mother nature was sweeping the floor,
when a hoover man knocked at her door.
thundered she, ""i won't clean
with your horrid machine!
it's the one thing i truly abhor!""
"
"to explain in a word that apparel
just means ""clothing"" is truthful but sterile.
rather, why not provide
an example, a guide?
what'll do this? whatever you wear'll.
"
"real essential (you bet!), an agenda
lists the things that you gotta attend ta.
you can check one by one
to make sure they get done?
or ignore 'em and go on a benda.
"
"sir george cayley would gaze at the sky. it
was his object to boldly defy it,
so he built him a plane,
noting, ""fear i disdain,""
and then ordered his coachman to fly it.
"
"the agreement that's labelled a bet
says the winning predictor will get
an agreed-upon prize
which the loser supplies.
it's enjoyed as a way to build debt.
"
"its lines enigmatic and dim,
an amorph's a challenge to limn;
the things that we call so
are shapeless. (see also
the antonym: ""basinger, kim."")
"
"for aaronic we've aaron to thank
'cause without him, the word's just a blank.
all the lexicons tout
it as aaron-about.
(moses' brother, not hammerin' hank.)
"
"calling dull, processed lunch meat bologna
looks to some people foreign and phogna.
but baloney's no meat
that a guy'd choose to eat,
'cause the spelling ain't stylish or togna.
"
"by avuncular, folks mean to call
someone uncle-like. that isn't all:
it is further defined
as indulgent or kind.
(they forgot to inform uncle paul.)
"
"i think virge got confused 'bout ascent.
i'da swore a trip up's what it meant.
on the mountain last night
his ascent looked all right,
but that ain't the direction he went.
"
"a thing added is called an addendum,
as, for instance, to books. when i've penned 'em,
at the end i append a
whole slew of addenda
(because i'm reluctant to end 'em).
"
"some intestinal ducts are chylific:
their function is very specific.
they create milky chyle
(that is, lymph, fat, and bile) ?
aren't digestive descriptions horrific?
"
"using deep leafy greens as their feed supply
are the gall midges (cecidomyiidae).
call me mean, but it galls me ?
it keenly appalls me ?
that plants can be galled by so wee a fly.
"
"bromouracil molecules may
sub for thymine in one's dna.
their structure is such
that it doesn't take much
to put chromosomes in disarray.
"
"did your wedding ring fall down the drain?
you can still get it out.  i'll explain:
cut a stiff wire to size,
thread it down, hook the prize,
and then chivvy it out ? what a pain!
"
"i'm the third wood, from pun-loving stock,
so this info won't come as a shock:
just to keep up the gag,
they made splinter my tag ?
we're just chips off the old wooden block!
"
"eight more hours on this plane till you land,
and you're getting more bored than you planned.
to discourage ennui,
they've got audio, free,
and video ? see? ? on demand.
"
"""this war is just wrong, i can feel it.
bush's lies can no longer conceal it.
but we still have some pull:
funding's abrogable.
we must gather the votes to repeal it.""
"
"monsieur chenin, whose blanc was so fine,
was invited to paris to dine.
but his jokes were a bore:
when they asked, ""like some more?""
he'd reply, ""oh, no thank you, i'm vine!""
"
"i'm thirsting to be absorbefacient,
at rest in the ocean, complacent.
if left up to me
then a sponge i would be,
instead of a psycho-ward patient.
"
"acephalia's an ailment we dread,
for its meaning is ""being sans head.""
look at fair anne boleyn,
who should surely have seen
she'd be headed for better unwed.
"
"it's so windy, this blusterous day.
see the trees with the leaves blown astray.
such a shame i'm not fleet,
chasing hat down the street;
but ignore a fedora? no way!
"
"this burly young gent was named eric;
in alaska he worked on a derrick.
from the tip of his nose
to his fingers and toes,
his frostbite was slight, acroteric.
"
"if you pine for your place categorical,
and you fancy the flora arborical,
you've my leave (please feel free)
to bark out, ""i'm a tree!""
if it suits you, with roots metaphorical.
"
"let me tell you a story of me
(autobiographically).
if i tell one of you
and my words are untrue,
it's a slander, unless you agree.
"
"make sure you intended a cm:
a hundred of these represm.
leading c means, as such,
just a hundredth as much,
so dispense with the c if you mm.
"
"for bengalis who avidly fish
for celebrity gossip, and wish
for dirt that's spectacular:
read the vernacular
bollywood mag, bangla dish!
"
"if your appetite needs to be whetted
and the course of digestion abetted,
an antepast course'll
serve well as first morsel:
a foretaste that won't be regretted.
"
"with an aval, a party agrees
to make good on the promise of fees
that is made by a buyer
who's down to the wire
and can't make his payments with ease.
"
"the optically errant conclusion
(the color-of-background confusion)
from boxes defined by
diagonal lines? ? why,
it's called assimilation illusion.
"
"my mahogany's color's no good.
it's not right ? it's too light, understood?
but a vigorous rubbing
with abraum salts, scrubbing
the finish, should darken the wood.
"
"a pedantic neologist (charmless)
who was sheveled and kempt said, ""if armless
means without any arms,
and if i'm without barms,
well then, i must be sane: i am barmless!""
"
"when you're mapping a cell's dna,
centimorgans are used to convey
the chances defining
two genes recombining
(the distance between them, ok?).
"
"to avoid causing marital strife,
carlos guarded this fact with his life:
a bardajes he slept with
(a boy whom he kept, with
no prior consent from his wife).
"
"the inquisitor tightened the screws
and said, ""heretic, i have good news:
absolutely renounce
your beliefs, and accounts
will be settled. or, if you refuse...""
"
"""if cacoxenite muddies your quartz,""
the gemologist sadly reports,
""it's worth less than the best.
its greek roots mean 'bad guest',
and its presence the color distorts.""
"
"minneapolis' tragedy: this is
a collapse in our hearts.  reason misses
the mark: darkness follows.
calamity hollows
both outward and inward abysses.
"
"her cocktail, it seemed, was absinthiated,
her syllables undifferentiated.
she lost mental clarity
and debated a parrot. he
questioned her verity...and then she ate it.
"
"those suffering autopolyploidy
might think they're real hoity-toity,
but chromosome sets from
one species could net some
a session with doctor sigg freud-y.
"
"still running away from reality,
our hero seeks proof he is valid: he
books the vip room
for some high heels, perfume,
and similar artificiality.
"
"accustomance: use that's habitual.
to affirm if this term might just fit you well,
assess the duration
of your new affectation.
is your use an abuse or just ritual?
"
"2 a.m.?i awake with a start;
my contractions are not far apart.
""labor's well on the way,""
the good doc starts to say;
then delivers my son, bless his heart!
"
"he's industrious, toils night and day?
pulls his weight, gets things done, come what may.
as for pay, there is none;
does he labor for fun?
nah?for ants it's all work and no play!
"
"many feet?but not one wearing shoes?
ferragamos nor blahniks, nor choos.
running barefoot all day
with great speed, i must say?
race a centipede? surely you'd lose!
"
"throat's all raw after bouts of much hacking;
nose streaming, sore head feels like cracking?
i'm one frightful mess
in the depths of distress!
hey, one good thing?this cold curbed my snacking!
"
"her green petticoat wraps 'round my tree,
trimmed with lavender filigree, see?
in her glory through fall
is my belle of the ball.
darling hosta, i'm so charmed with thee!
"
"watch those tweeties swoop down midst their flight
to my birdfeeder?what a delight!
tasty seed treats abound;
but when bluejays come 'round,
munching birdies skedaddle in fright!
"
"comrade ilya can cause us to stew:
his rejection will mean we are through.
let's bamboozle the guy,
pour him booze, make him high,
change his nyet to a da ? right on cue!
"
"been invaded by aphid the pest?
in my garden he's having a fest!
no fresh buds are immune
from this sap-suckin' goon?
i'm upset and distressed with this guest!
"
"yellow star-shaped florets gently sway;
atop slim, fern-like stalks they sashay.
strange that bambi steers clear;
even hares won't come near.
coreopsis is tops, hip hooray.
"
"it's the coneflower people adore,
with pale purple round pom-poms galore.
echinacea's her name,
and her real claim to fame?
fighting symptoms of colds we abhor!
"
"tons of bumblebees congregate here
at my bee balm?you'd best not come near!
it's a plant i endorse
and a rich natural source
of mint thymol?for breath sweet and clear.
"
"elephantiasis?asians seem prone
to this ailment bizarre, little-known.
normal health is regained
by all those who've obtained
doxycycline, as studies have shown.
"
"elephantiasis sure can be tough:
your skin becomes calloused and rough.
lower limbs become jumbo,
which is normal for dumbo?
not humans who want to look buff.
"
"ekg is a most handy tool
used by cardio docs as a rule.
as you lie back all strapped,
heart contractions are mapped
by electrodes and leads?ain't that cool?
"
"an electroencephalogram
can be part of a neuro exam,
shows electrical jolts
and does tracing of volts,
via use of a cranial cam.
"
"c means hundred, or somewhat-fair grade;
ca's calcium?bone-building aid;
cal's a state way out west;
call means visit, as guest;
calla lilies like sun/partial shade.
"
"d?you've passed but just barely came through;
di- means double, or twice, or just two;
dim means dull or not bright;
dime's a ten-pence, that's right;
dimez?shares you'd no longer accrue.
"
"words won't flow if you've got writer's block.
blocked-up veins give your ticker a knock.
there's a blockbuster store
up the block?fun galore?
unblocks stress knots as hard as a rock.
"
"dainty, perfectly formed bells cascade?
it's a mini petunia parade!
these beauts thrive in full sun,
and self-clean when they're done?
yes, the  calibrachoa's top-grade.
"
"my heart soars with elation and joy.
here's prince charming?our new baby boy!
minutes later, a girl
with blue eyes and a curl...
(two good nannies we now must employ!)
"
"cook's domain's in the basement below,
four long flights in this rambling chateau.
when the gents come to dine
food's served hot and divine?
can't be done sans a dumbwaiter, though.
"
"she disdainfully cast me aside?
a club membership promptly denied!
""a mere housewife on board?!?
that's unheard of?good lord!""
her disparagement  hurt, and i cried.
"
"high up, deep in the shadows she'll sing;
her sweet trill is the herald of spring.
she gets raving reviews
in the tweet haiku news?
bush warblers good tidings do bring!
"
"the asymptote's fussy and fine.
a bit pompous, he holds up a sign:
""all ye curves may approach,
but one topic don't broach?
that of touching. i'm drawing the line.""
"
"""lizzie, we must have a chat.
this wood-chopping, what's up with that?
we've kindling enough,
and you're getting so buff.""
""recall when you called me a brat?""
"
"anaximander, a star-gazing greek:
""the prevailing perspective's too meek.
the celestial sphere
is not thin, like veneer,
but boundless; come on, take a peek.""
"
"each peripheral artery's red,
veins are blue, but there's more to be said.
in the heart-to-lung circuit
that scheme doesn't work. it
reverses (unless you are dead).
"
"apraxia's never much fun,
and usually funny to none.
so laugh at yourself
knocking drinks off the shelf,
and your battle is practically won.
"
"the chest grabbing seemed patriotic.
thus few thought the lad was stenotic.
he gave them a clue?
he collapsed and turned blue.
they cabg'd the arteriosclerotic.
"
"""the doctor's abducting my arm!
call my lawyer and sound the alarm!""
""but sir, it's his notion
to test out your motion.
you'll suffer no bodily harm.""
"
"""doctor, my joints hurt,"" said liz.
""i will lose the lead part in the wiz!""
""not swollen, not hot,""
said the doc. ""what it's not
is arthritis. arthralgia it is.""
"
"she sports green glossy leaves, some with cream;
as a houseplant, this dumb cane's supreme.
it's the built-in defense?
if provoked, she'll dispense
toxins, swelling your throat shut?extreme!
"
"""oy, my hands are so chapped, skin's rubbed raw,
can't grate spuds, nor shred cabbage for slaw!""
bubby knew what to do?
from her drawer she withdrew
a&amp;d ointment?best med she saw!
"
"b is boron, as chemists profess;
bi?bismuth, a metal, no less;
bid farewell means adieu;
bide?prevail, carry through;
biden?current vp of us.
"
"not all doctors evoke pain or fear?
on the contrary, seuss brought us cheer;
brown's bottles are prime;
denton pj's, sublime;
how 'bout dolittle, vet with an ear.
"
"our dry-cleaner, peter, would tout:
""there's no stain that i cannot get out!""
if the chemicals failed,
good old scissors prevailed...
pete's a man of his word, there's no doubt!
"
"discontentedness needs to be curbed;
you're unhappy, disgruntled, perturbed.
let's rejoice and be gay?
blow those cobwebs away!
i hate seeing you sad and disturbed.
"
"soft dendrobiums gently cascade,
perfect sprays of white flowers displayed.
a most elegant fleur,
grandiose, yet demure
is this orchid?too bad she'll soon fade.
"
"anti-wilde? you say ""nay"" to his play?
no tchaikovsky? ballet is passe?
couldn't stand harvey milk
and the rest of his ilk?
oh, be earnest! you're just antigay.
"
"""athenians, don't be in shock,
but the sun's just a heated up rock.""
""your heresies stagger us,
foul anaxagoras!
you're ostracized. go take a walk.""
"
"""the bishop is serving sangria!
he gives the best parties,"" gushed leah.
""to the bishopric, now!""
and her friends wondered how
she got nine months of amenorrhea.
"
"male porn stars should cook without lard,
lest their arteries stiffen, get hard.
if they brush off the facts
'bout the trans fats in snacks,
their careers sag, and soon they are barred.
"
"if your heart has this kind of dilation,
you might feel a bursting sensation.
well, your outlook is shaky;
better call up debakey,
and hope that he's not on vacation.
"
"provoke me and i'll make you wheeze.
whenever i please you will sneeze.
and that rash at age two?
when you blubbered ""boo-hoo""?
that was me! i'm atopic disease.
"
"the andromeda galaxy's stars
are in number and type much like ours,
so we call her our sister.
you couldn't have missed her:
she's two million light years from mars.
"
"""get lost!"" she implored through the jamb.
""but i love you, my shy little lamb!""
she had locked herself in;
so with one sheepish grin,
i assembled my battering ram.
"
"your kisser's a blistery sore.
you're afraid you will ""score"" nevermore.
take acyclovir, friend,
and your lesions will mend.
pucker up! here comes long-lost lenore.
"
"when a bar code is read for a price,
it can be quite a fickle device.
if you don't hear a trill
as it scans past the till
you've just got some free stuff ? ain't that nice?
"
"does this line need an em dash or colon?
i've decided to set my great goal on
picking which one to use ?
changed my mind! i can't choose!
someone tell me, oh please take control on!
"
"i was shamed, though it was with great skill
that i told a lewd joke to young bill
involving a priest
and an actress (at least
until bill told one bawdier still).
"
"the flesh of the so-called ""blood orange""
is red, like my da's kilt and... sporrange?
oh my days, there's no rhyme!
i'm committing a crime!
never mind. rabbits live in a warrenge.
"
"don't ever call ant lions ants.
they won't dance or carouse in your pants.
they each dig a pit
in the sand. there they sit,
and on ants dropping in take a chance.
"
"miss april is nobody's fool.
her turn-offs are going to school;
men who drool; men who two-time,
steal cars and then do time;
and twits who think months can be cruel.
"
"a spider appeared in my bran;
and he said, ""i'm afraid of no man.""
he prepared to attack.
well, i fought in iraq?
no phobia; smarter, i ran.
"
"for atmology one must show mettle.
don't attempt it unless in fine fettle.
exploring fog's forms,
braving wild, pouring storms...
sounds to me much like boiling the kettle.
"
"so my boyfriend just left me, ok?
all this homework will not go away.
oh my god! i'm so fat!
they all hate me! and that
is a spot on my nose. am i gay?
"
"my anapests stumble, off-kilter,
in the middle my rhymes seem to wilter,
my defining is hazy ?
it's not that i'm lazy,
but rather an abject oedilfer.
"
"if a science degree was your aim,
these letters now follow your name.
(get them simply by skimming
the uni: bronze swimming
certificate sounds just the same!)
"
"british summer time: clocks forward one.
we all know that it has to be done.
divine days now extend,
and it means winter's end,
but the hour less sleep ain't much fun.
"
"gypsy skirts, spirits free, boho ways
are a floaty, free, fun fashion phase.
deviate from the norm:
that's the way to conform.
""come on, we all do it these days!""
"
"it puzzles me greatly. please tell
what gives with this ""algebra"" spell.
you have numbers galore,
and yet still you want more,
so you use all the letters as well?
"
"the company geek with no brain
has begun a brown-nosing campaign
to creep to the top.
now the phrase means ? no, stop!
it's an image too gross to explain.
"
"going out with a robot's no fun.
i wish i had never begun.
it's the binary system:
love poems, i've missed 'em ?
my darling writes ""one zero one"".
"
"silhouettes in victoria's reign,
thanks to bustles, were odd. i'll explain.
she would say, the young miss,
""is my bum big in this?""
and want yes! will that happen again?
"
"can't attend dinner parties or plays.
it's the season to harvest the maize,
milk the cow, feed the goats,
shoe the horse, crush the oats,
shear the sheep... life's bucolic these days.
"
"the worker was livid, with reason.
her monarch was killed! it's high treason!
""i'll avenge thee, my queen!""
but her death: just as clean.
at a picnic, all ants are in season.
"
"a samoan man threw a thick blanket
of this pepper root into a tank: it
was crushed to a juice,
liquor made ? its main use!
he became very stoned when he drank it.
"
"to prepare olden day christmas balls,
they snaked foliage all round the walls.
sharp leaves with red berries,
sublime festive cherries...
'twas known as bedecking the halls.
"
"michael's poems are painful to see.
an oedilfer's antithesis, he;
for he starts them with 'tis,
thinks iamb means he is,
and he swears that baguette rhymes with flea.
"
"the balance of payments contains
the investment and capital gains.
sadly, my country's broke:
all we've got is (no joke)
""loaf of bread, pint of milk"" and slow trains.
"
"areolae differ in hue
from the things they surround?i count two.
they are sometimes revealed!
so keep your eyes peeled
for a decolletage with a view.
"
"saith atkins, ""eat fats of the land,
but not of the carb tree?it's banned.""
""but what fats are best?""
""uhh... sausage?"" he guessed.
this snake oil deserves to be panned.
"
"his approval i sought in a hurry,
so my lim'ricks spilled out in a flurry.
""well, you're no ogden nash.""
i returned my dad's lash?
""and you, sir, are no fred macmurray!""
"
"some ""patients"" with morphine addiction
gain entrance with bogus affliction.
one ruse that they use
never fails to amuse:
""lost my meds!""?which is palpable fiction.
"
"in europe my friends all swam nude,
and i couldn't afford to be rude,
so my body was bared.
funny thing?no one stared.
back in idaho, though, i'm a prude.
"
"my attending said, ""peter, don't wait
to check out her heart sounds ? they're great!""
'twas a med student blessed
auscultating that chest.
""i feel thrills!"" but she didn't. no date.
"
"so what's next? you just got your m.d.
sink or swim, in the residents' sea!
your attending (head pimper)
will grill you and simper
until you just whimper and pee.
"
"""at last my poor leg he adducts!
was the doctor replacing my tucks?
and i felt something rip!""
""he was testing your hip.
(he'll replace it for eight thousand bucks.)""
"
"the prince practiced putting on hose,
but they kept ending up in his nose.
he's apraxic: his brain
makes mistakes, but he's sane.
he'll be dressed, i suppose, by the pros.
"
"don't assume that the ant cow's a cow.
to milk one, we just don't know how.
but ants like to tend
to this aphid's rear end,
from which honeydew passes for chow.
"
"my anemones blow in the breeze;
in the autumn they're all japanese.
there's saint bridgid in spring,
but if tentacles sting,
that's anemones under the seas.
"
"my abdominoplasty and some
liposuction have flattened my tum.
my face may be saggy,
my eyes may be baggy,
but my stomach is tight as a drum.
"
"you're a boxer, a physical lad,
but the wheel's winning phrase has you mad.
so you ask for an ""o""?
it's for ""awesome,"" you know?
but your spelling's not awesome, it's bad!
"
"a flood swept the gardens i grow
when rain burst the stopbanks. the flow
means the road is awash
with my onions and squash.
acts of god are unfair. i'll re-sow.
"
"an aggressive young doctor spread rumours
about treating aggressive lymph tumours:
""our aggressive regime
is regressive?don't scream!
using leeches will balance the humours.""
"
"now auckland's the ""city of sails,""
with a bridge 'cross the harbour that fails?
although it is long,
and well-built and strong?
to get anywhere near new south wales.
"
"an angler was spinning one day,
for a while on a stream 'round our way,
but he soon found a fly
was indeed worth a try?
and then trout was for dinner, i'd say.
"
"in the commons, in back, are backbenches,
which are manned by all manner of mensches.
each a government cog,
party platform they flog,
but, rebelling, they throw in big wrenches.
"
"the acclaimed supermodel had class,
so i acted aloof in my pass.
since her full bee-stung lips
were supplied from her hips,
well, i still wound up kissing her ass.
"
"to blaspheme, just utter some joke
against a real heavenly bloke.
if you flip off a saint,
though they sign no complaint,
your visa they just might revoke.
"
"although analog was all the rage,
we are now in the digital age.
to convert 'cross the board,
you may wish to record
data using an adr gauge.
"
"those who hear boogie-woogie may muse:
""is this jazz or a quick-tempo blues?""
playing bass modulations,
hot improv creations,
cool pianists prefer not to choose!
"
"actinotrocha like water warm.
they're phoronids (an odd, larval, form).
a preoral lobe serves
to hold ganglial nerves,
and a cilial rear is the norm.
"
"borborygmus: a rumbling sound
in your gut ? we just heard one resound!
it is rude to the core...
should there ever be more,
we will shout ""borborygmi abound!""
"
"he's due on a flight to bangkok,
but he's been racing hard 'gainst the clock.
he's stuck in the traffic.
his language gets graphic.
his head is vibrating. tick-tock!
"
"a trapezoid sail can be fast,
but the bilander never would last.
they should've known sooner
that a dutch canal schooner
should only need one lateen mast.
"
"at first it must seem such a waste
to add mustard to hazelnut paste,
but they say it will bring
to your crepe a nice zing?
it's a darned complementary taste.
"
"my eyes, seeing rocky appear,
once brimmed over?shed many a tear.
has my heart now grown cold?
nah, stallone's just too old.
it's time to retire, my dear.
"
"the best phrase i ever did hear
was quite short: ""complimentary, my dear.""
there's a high price to pay
for a tedious lay,
but i think that i made her career.
"
"a diaper is neatly designed
to capture a mess from behind.
when it's full, you can tell
by the feel or the smell;
when it's fresh, it's a load off my mind.
"
"electrical units are not
comprehensible, save as one lot.
so you won't feel at home
with volt, ampere, or ohm
until you have learned what is watt.
"
"dredgers dredge, doubters doubt, dancers dance.
pledgers pledge, pouters pout, prancers prance.
why won't coll come from collars
or dolls from two dollars?
i yearn for an answer.  please, answ.
"
"i said to the greek, ""please reveal
the shyster who sewed up this deal.""
but the man shook his head.
""i'm achilles,"" he said.
""i never uncover a heel.""
"
"a problem for people of old
was knowing just what they'd been sold.
then came archimedes.
now all that you need is
a bath to be sure that it's gold.
"
"the alchemists claimed to have struck
on a way to make gold out of muck.
they called it transmuting,
but i call it shooting
a line that would not fool a duck.
"
"the planets, 'twas thought, circled round,
creating a musical sound.
even though this is really an
aristotelian
notion, it's hardly profound.
"
"our modern theology's plastic;
its teachings are loose and elastic.
they'd earn a d-minus
from thomas aquinas,
that stout medieval scholastic.
"
"though the gold-digger's tactics are old,
all her men are still deftly cajoled.
for each elderly beau
in turn parts with his dough:
seems her husband will do as he's told!
"
"caffe latte: just pick up the pot
of espresso and pour out one shot.
take steamed milk: top it up,
present client with cup.
say: ""your bev'ridge, sir."" charge him a lot!
"
"if it's actinomorphic by name,
perfect symmetry brings it to fame.
when it's split into twos
at the angle you choose,
both the halves you have left are the same.
"
"a girl met a handsome young callant.
he was tall, hunky, gorgeous and gallant.
before they were wed,
he took her to bed?
that lad had a fine eye for talent!
"
"a and b both shot c in the eye,
so i thought they had caused him to die.
but these books say i'm wrong;
it's not ""sine qua non"".
neither shot caused his death, they imply.
"
"playing baccarat, bond shot to fame,
beat the russian spy out of the game,
took the banker's whole stash,
and walked off with the cash.
will you banco? perhaps do the same?
"
"the abbadids, who reigned in seville,
were poetic, but hasty to kill.
for vases they chose
the skulls of their foes
(which i'd think would be tricky to fill).
"
"my activity page is quite dead.
guess my limericks aren't being read.
it makes me so sad.
are they really that bad,
or is it just something i said?
"
"it's the one hundredth birthday, you know,
of the playwright who gave us godot,
(whose advent's a no-go
for didi and gogo),
so, samuel beckett, good show!
"
"a catastrophist says that the earth
had a trauma soon after its birth,
like a meteor struck,
or some other bad luck
shifted parts of nepal to fort worth.
"
"amused means you see humor in it.
but bemused means you say, ""wait a minute ?
i'm befuddled, confused,
not the least bit amused.""
it's all in the way you begin it.
"
"i knew a young lady named mary
whose consonants often would vary.
her v's were like b's.
then she got a disease.
i inquired, ""are you sick?"" ""beri-beri.""
"
"remember the barrymore sibs?
from shakespeare to salty ad libs,
ethel's dignity pleased,
crippled lionel wheezed,
and john made the ladies cry, ""dibs!""
"
"a brannigan is a melee,
a squabble, a brawl, or a fray,
a quarrel, a riot,
a public disquiet ?
the rest you will find in roget.
"
"take oatmeal, scotch whisky and honey,
and strain till it's all nice and runny.
the drink is called brose.
it tickles the toes,
and causes grown men to talk funny.
"
"consider the small brussels griffon.
you may meet him at luncheon or tiffin
on milady's soft lap,
whence he issues a yap,
making men feel their follicles stiffen.
"
"the pillars of hercules rise
where the strait of gibraltar's the prize.
the calpe food's socko;
in abila, morocco,
it's b'steeyas, those sweet pigeon pies.
"
"go higher and higher and higher ?
aconcagua's tough summit acquire.
this andean peak
could make you so weak
you might hear a heavenly choir.
"
"some words are so heavy they stay
on the list and they won't go away.
both sides will exhort us
about the abortus;
we'll be censured whatever we say.
"
"abaxile's a word that can mean
away from the axis, as seen
in an apple whose core
is off center; what's more,
that's true if it's red or it's green.
"
"do you suffer from ptsd?
abreact and you'll finally be free
of the stress and the strife
that has messed up your life.
reliving the trauma's the key.
"
"if all in a group are too nice
to say what each wants, then the dice
may decide that they'll get
what each one will regret:
that's the abilene principle's price.
"
"my abri is the place meant for me.
it's a hole in a hill where i flee:
gives me shelter from storm,
keeps me cozy and warm ?
i can hide, settle back, sip chablis.
"
"akhenaten to his wife nefertiti
wrote in hieroglyphs, not in graffiti:
""i'll locate your tomb
in the abapical room
and not at the apex, my sweetie.""
"
"the abada's a hell of a flirt.
he likes to dress up for dessert.
he's a rhinoceros;
he looks so prepoceros
in the long flowing sleeves of his shirt.
"
"when you're walking along on the strand,
the adlittoral's quite a thin band.
it's the part that's just kissed
by the spray and the mist;
it's not really water; it's land.
"
"you've abstracted the abstract i wrote.
you've left me distracted, don't gloat!
you've pinched my pr?cis;
return it, mais oui!
your behavior has gotten my goat.
"
"abaxile, abaxial: ""away
from the axis"" is what they both say.
but ial's a leaf's dorsum
and ile is used for some
sweet apples with cores gang agley.
"
"george bush and dick cheney and all ?
their adventurist notions appall.
even though they'll deny it,
the facts just belie it ?
good grief!  they're invading nepal.
"
"there once was a plump adolescent
who wept, ""i am so adipescent.
i'm, like, totally jumbo,
i'll soon look like dumbo ?
i'd much rather look prepubescent.""
"
"there once was a sheik named abdul
who caused congresspersons to drool.
he offered them bribes;
they misread the vibes:
abscam was the fbi's tool.
"
"what's wrong with this picture, please tell:
king tut said, ""embalmers, work well.
'cause my mummy must last ?
ad 10 and far past,
please wrap me so well i don't smell.""
"
"now aachen's a fine german city.
stroll through it; you'll find it quite pretty.
yet during the war
its enemies swore
they'd destroy this great place; what a pity.
"
"i'm frightened of mites 'cause they bite.
a tick? i just faint at the sight.
please make no mistake, for
my bad case of acor-
ophobia makes me uptight.
"
"	i get nervous when naming f-fleas.
	it's not easy; it's hard as b-bees.
	or worse still's that b-bug,
	the bean weevil?oh, ugh:
	a-c-can-tho-thoscel-li-lides.
"
"to acosmists the world's an illusion,
the universe just a delusion.
""it's maya,"" they say,
""so don't go astray,
for god is the all,"" in conclusion.
"
"the department of homeland security,
with all of their brains and maturity,
says, ""the threat is code red;
expect to be dead.""
an advis'ry not marked by obscurity.
"
"i'm a member of a a r p.
i enlisted on my jubilee.
hot damn, i'm retired
and not yet expired,
so i'm off to go surf waikiki.*
"
"an abb? who was based in quebec
said, ""this abbey is one total wreck.
to fix the church spire
i'm planning to hire
engineers from l'?cole polytech.""*
"
"there once was a beast of tibet. he
meandered the mountains. i bet he
would make way for no man:
the abom'nable snowman,
the one that they know as the yeti.
"
"when an astronaut's strapped into place
he will radio back to his base,
""all systems are go
a-ok, in the flow ?
so let's blast off and head into space.""
"
"it's a chair of wide slats made of wood ?
slanted seat, slanted back, and it should
sit outside on the lawn.
settle down with a yawn;
adirondack's a chair that feels good.
"
"sun-dried earth and some straw make adobe.
you can use it to build in the gobi
where it's hot and it's dry
but you ought not to try
to apply it at lake okeechobee.
"
"my limericks, i hope, make the ""stay"" list;
i'd rather not write for the ""nay"" list.
and, oh, how i pray
that someday i may
have at least one or two on the a-list.
"
"you do it with hope at the gates
into hell, or with ships in dire straits.
or it's reckless and wild;
there's no check on you, child,
when your ardor is tempting the fates.
"
"the sails are aback when a breeze
from the front makes you stop on the seas.
if you lock with the braces*
sails back in their places,
they're abox; you'll drift backward with ease.
"
"it's a muddy white egg of a town
at the north of the plain esdraelon.
it's what issachar got,
part of joshua's fourth lot ?
little abez, so tin-pot and brown.
"
"two dums and a da in the middle?
with this metrical foot i must fiddle.
pretend the weak stress
is the stronger, and, yes,
amphimacer will fit in my riddle.
"
"the percent of the sun's radiation
that gets stuck in a window's translation:
absorptance, it's called
when the energy's stalled ?
it's sort of like glass constipation.
"
"could it be when sweet amity ceases?
should i say it's the transfer of leases?
yes, alienate
means these things ? oh, but wait!
it could also mean pieces of reese's.
"
"chris strolin, our crack eic,
says oedilf should be rated pg.
those words so appalling,
like ***ewing and *alling,
have no place in our a to z.
"
"if it's sterile, it's thus abacterial.
that's a fact which i find quite surrearial.
not a germ in the place,
no, not even a trace,
for their presence might make me feel queerial.
"
"on the coast of southwestern australia,
where the pangs of starvation assail ya,
that adjigo, mate,
that you find on your plate
is a yam that will surely avail ya.
"
"since i have to keep count with my toes
and my fingers, then god only knows,
wearing mittens and sox
i'm as dumb as an ox;
acalculia's my fate, i suppose.
"
"an ingenuous sister, a querier,
asked, ""abbess, dear mother superior,
is abba our god?""
the reply was a nod,
and the nun went to matins much cheerier.
"
"van gogh, baudelaire, and verlaine:
considered, by some, quite insane.
their emerald-green drink
may have led, so i think,
to absinthism, wasting the brain.
"
"when they put up the dam at aswan,
abu simbel was going to be gone.
so they moved it uphill,
where it gives us a thrill
as it glows on the shore in the dawn.
"
"in my will you were left the van gogh.
now i'm dead and you're eager, i know,
to get your hands on it,
to sell it or pawn it.
surprise! 'twas adeemed long ago.
"
"it doesn't take much erudition
to know that entree, in addition
to yes, i confess,
is a way to express
a meaning implied by admission.
"
"the moonstone is adularescent.
it shines with a glow iridescent.
the opal is too,
with a sheen milky-blue
that can almost be called luminescent.
"
"when the weather gets hotter and torrider	
and winds become savage and horrider,
advis'ries are clear,					
number twelve for this year: 				
it's a hurricane heading for florider.
"
"if you want a nice clean armadillo,
you'll need strong soap, a rag, and some brillo.*
when you've caught him and tubbed him,
and rubbed him and scrubbed him,
then wrap him up well 'gainst a chill-o.
"
"in my new a-line skirt i just shine.
if i say so myself it's divine.
the waist it is narrow,
the hem it has flare ? oh,
how i'll dance in these fine threads of mine!
"
"in my brain was a lim'rick aborning.
it arrived just like that with no warning.
wrote it down in a trice,
sent it off quick and nice ?
the oedilf on this day it's adorning.
"
"the adzukis are beans from japan
colored burgundy red, rarely tan.
they are highly nutritious
and oh so delicious;
their sprouts have a taste like pecan.
"
"you'd prefer that your fumes not pollute?
the adzuki's the bean that will suit.
it's not nearly as gassy
and surely more classy
than kinds that will make you go poot.
"
"i'll believe in the zodiac list,
just as long as my star sign is kissed
by good fortune and fate:
you could say i'm a great
astrological positivist.
"
"if i were composing a paean
to people or places achaean,
i'd reverently speak
of everything greek
(or, for nit-pickers, old mycenaean).
"
"don't despair that the muses have fled,
for the brits still have art, but instead
of great craft or technique,
the word's now used to speak
of old bricks, potted cows, or one's bed.
"
"a friendly attorney-at-law
helped my neighbours to settle a score:
when his spiralling fees
left them both on their knees,
they agreed they would quarrel no more.
"
"""i christen this ship c of e!""
thus proclaimed rowan williams with glee;
now he paddles around
trying not to get drowned
on his archiepiscopal see.
"
"holmes and watson are now in disgrace
at the embassy, having laid chase
(while exceedingly drunk)
to a diplomat's trunk,
crying, ""we'll crack the attach? case!""
"
"castling is hard to explain
if you don't have a chess-playing brain.
the king swaps with the rook
and unless i'm mistook...
oh, never mind, please take a rain-
"
"the corbie's a raven, you know.
it's nice, if you own one, for show.
if you're flying to rome,
better leave it at home.
it isn't a carry-on crow.
"
"when life gets too tough, you must cope.
unless you're like me, then you mope.
but yet, i am hoping
to stop all this moping
by toping, then using a rope.
"
"the coulomb's in need of publicity:
get a charge from some real electricity!
one ampere is reckoned
each coulomb per second.
that's all there is to it?simplicity!
"
"you just know he's the cock-of-the-walk
when you hear his proud crowing and talk.
he rules the whole roost
of the chicks he's seduced.
and the ones he's ignored?  let them squawk.
"
"we were hot and sat under some oaks?
two exhausted and thirsty old blokes?
when a woman said, ""hola,
would you like a cola?""
""se?ora, you don't have to coax.""
"
"we see the whole world in large masses
and divide them all up in three classes?
those that we're rotten to,
those that we cotton to,
and the rest?just a bunch of dumb asses.
"
"the next time you spy a young cholo,
please note that you won't see him solo.
he runs in a gang,
and they all like to hang
with their pals, but they're not playing polo.
"
"ask any ol' salty-dog gob.
a cetacean is more than a glob.
let's give an ovation
and add a citation:
he's doing a whale of a job.
"
"that player of baseball, ty cobb,
was esteemed and adored by the mob.
said president taft,
who admired his craft,
""ty, you're doing a heck of a job!""
"
"the terror of falling downstairs
is climacophobia.  there's
so much to delight
in this strange kind of fright?
providing you don't need repairs!
"
"if your hostess  decides to be sneaky
and offers her own cock-a-leekie,
make sure she is not
a legitimate scot
before you say something too cheeky.
"
"to tell if two men co-exist
put this test at the top of your list:
are they both in 3-d?
good! now time still will be
the wrench in the relative tryst.
"
"two felons had joined in complicity
when their plot was exposed to publicity.
it is too soon to tell
if they'll like their new cell
and enjoy their new-found domesticity.
"
"a monk, who wore only a cowl,
ventured out in the night on a prowl.
he molested a nun,
then the cook and her son
and a very unfortunate owl.
"
"what do you think you would do
with a cockapoo given to you?
would you walk it and feed it?
would you care for and heed it?
would you wonder just who mated who?
"
"to some in the east, this food's manna?
right up there with soy and banana.
the coconut meat
is considered a treat
that you eat in your copra cabana.
"
"the limerick form is concise.
its rules, quite precise, should suffice.
remember, be terse
when composing the verse
and don't be a smut-case.  be nice!
"
"our life, as we know it, best functions
by ignoring all angst and compunctions.
no ifs, ands or buts?
they will just drive you nuts.
so soldier on, minus conjunctions.
"
"have you ever been shaved in seville,
by the barber whose shop's on the hill?
there's a paradox weird
'bout him shaving your beard
while his own beard is on-growing still.
"
"if your flight is cut short, you'll be late.
is your marriage cut short?  blame your mate.
with procrustean cuts,
there aren't ifs, ands, or buts ?
they're a shortcut to quick loss of weight.
"
"in the senate, a seat went on sale,
but the cops were soon hot on the trail.
""rod blagojevich, sir,
you won't need your chauffeur,
'cos you're ridin' with us, down to jail.""
"
"a debater, the prominent joe,
had just whitened his teeth for the show.
then he went on tv
for the voters to see,
but miss sarah's were brighter, you know.
"
"the oedilf is a fabulous site ?
i've lingered at times half the night.
and should sleeplessness weigh
down my eyelids next day,
i'll go back for more lim'rick delight.
"
"a tremendous rhetorical gale
(a huge rush) daily blows without fail.
is this man truth detector,
advertising collector . . .
or a windbag surpassing all scale?
"
"should the carry-on luggage inspector,
who endeavors to be our protector,
take my eye drops, shampoo,
and my shaving cream, too?
must this guard be a liquid collector?
"
"if you set out to make the world better,
plant a tree, sing a song, knit a sweater.
the future ahead
is just meaningless, dead,
when the present's ignored by a fretter.
"
"a choir is joined voices in song
(near the chancel it sings to the throng),
or a chorus of frogs,
in the leaves and dead logs ?
timbered choir makes a weakened soul strong.
"
"outdoor wedding plans?  all torn asunder,
when the rain poured amidst clapping thunder.
the wet bride looked bizarre,
now twice soaked at the bar.
the groom fumed at the weatherman's blunder.
"
"a bee and a bug in a stew
were swimming; what else could they do?
""i'm bugged,"" said the bee;
said the bug, ""let it be.""
and they're paddling still in the brew.
"
"consider  sir jagadis bose,
who crowed in a moment jocose,
""solari?  marconi?
a fake and a phony!
those guys didn't even come close!""
"
"a nasty disease is acanthes-
thesia, for people or panthas.
a sensation begins
as of needles or pins,
and medicine ain't got no anthas.
"
"while spooning on old lonely heart ridge,
said daphne, my sweet little partridge,
""i'll get pregnant, i fear!""
""ah, don't worry, my dear;
at my age i shoot a blank cartridge!""
"
"as she trundles 'er pushcart, ""oh, 'ark at 'er!""
a whisper comes out of the dark at 'er,
""she calls out as she walks,
ink and charcoal she 'awks.
she's the bleedin' whitechapel black marketer.""
"
"there's an irishman down in the quarry
who manoeuvres the twenty-ton lorry.
his head is quite bare
for he hasn't a hair.
his name? al o'pecia. [i'm sorry....]
"
"as i passed a gendarme in ?vreux
i enquired of him, ""est-ce que tu peux . . . ?""
he replied, ""va te faire?""
so i stopped him right there
and disgustedly bade him adieu.
"
"julie andrews arriving by brolly
was enough to make anyone jolly,
but for me, no.1
was her musical nun
who appeared every christmas like holly.
"
"as the firemen await the alarum,
their commander makes comments that jar 'em
regarding who's dressed
in the worst and the best?
he's the arbiter elegantiarum.
"
"on the night of my blue-blooded feast,
quickbeam castle is strictly policed,
so that cholmondeley and glamis
needn't fritter their charms
on some common-as-muck arriviste.
"
"to the reign of queen anne, naught compares
when it comes to fine tables and chairs,
but in matters dynastic
'twas less than fantastic:
she'd plenty of grace but no heirs.
"
"in a bid to stop scurvy at sea,
captain cook packed his vitamin c,
stocking lemons and limes,
even cabbage at times.
they're all antiscorbutic, you see.
"
"the antepenultimate word
of this limerick isn't absurd,
or even befriend
(though that's nearer the end):
it's just it's?counting back, it's the third.
"
"old king atreus had all sorts of fun
doing things that just shouldn't be done,
such as taking the life
of aerope, his wife,
and boiling his own brother's son.
"
"picture spending your time on the run,
shooting shells from a fifty-pound gun
at some other poor slob
with a similar job:
an artilleryman's life ain't much fun.
"
"said the small in the teeming cretaceous
(as they sought to evade the predacious),
""fear ankylosaurus?
his armor won't gore us.
he only consumes the herbaceous!""
"
"his ma dunked achilles?expected
old styx would play shield?but neglected
to wet where she held
near his heel. he was felled,
though ""protected."" thus flaws get detected . . .
"
"to absolve your identical twin,
just pretend that you're nothing like kin.
you'll launch fewer assaults
if you don't see his faults
as a mirror that shows your own sin.
"
"said winken to blinken and nod,
""this nurs'ry life's awfully odd.
here we lie, in a shoe,
an extremely young crew?
unworldly, unwashed, and unshod.""
"
"what's awkward is sure to embarrass:
an ale-sotted fall from a terrace,
an albatross landing,
a pimple expanding,
or learning your husband's an heiress.
"
"when an atheist dreams of a god
(like a monk craving somebody's bod),
his subconscious self seeks
what he, waking, critiques?
casting doubt on his godless fa?ade.
"
"with an artlessness no one could teach her,
the ing?nue stars in the feature.
sans pose and pretense,
her appeal is immense.
what a rare, unselfconscious she-creature!
"
"""the show was just awesome,"" she cried
to the people who waited outside.
precious few, though, were awed:
the production was flawed.
that girl had no taste?or she lied.
"
"though you enter not fully aware
of the hyper-still hush in the air,
as things grow more surreal
i'm afraid you might feel
(just before you taste fear) something's there.
"
"if your store has an awning, my dear,
you will sell more on days that are drear.
when stopping for cover,
most people will hover
and shop till they buy themselves cheer.
"
"there once was a lady named lynn
who endeavored to live without sin.
but her neighbor got amorous
and it felt pretty glamorous,
so she thought she would try it again (... and again ... and again ...).
"
"her failures in love are extensive;
her odor, it seems, is offensive.
bath oil's sweet bouquet
just might save the day,
but this skinflint declines.  too expensive.
"
"when you're yielding to racing's temptation
and your car starts a noisy vibration,
a word to the wise:
better say your goodbyes
if you don't begin deceleration.
"
"there once was a fellow named lloyd
whose adenoids really annoyed.
it caused him to snore,
and his wife to abhor
the evenings she once had enjoyed.
"
"to deactivate light, see here, bruce,
you must turn off the switch ? cut the juice.
the room will turn dark
(a needless remark ?
it's the light you set out to reduce).
"
"to deactivate, private, you must
emphatically state your disgust.
this message submit:
""commander, i quit!""
(i'll hide and then watch him combust.)
"
"a boring old chap at confession
knelt down for his fifth daily session.
as his story droned on,
father don was soon gone
to go look for another profession!
"
"a sinner knelt down for confession
that turned into an extra long session.
the detailed love feast
that was told to the priest
won a trophy for sexual transgression!
"
"abolish the lim'rick? no way!
i'd drag both my feet in dismay.
it's a measure of fun
to watch meaning hard-won
come from words as they caper and play.
"
"when an agrobacterium slides
beneath a plant's skin and then hides,
its rods cause abuse
until nitrates reduce?
an insult that galls the plant's sides.
"
"in an amphitheatrical dream,
the dramatist (you) has a scheme:
the actor (you, too)
is in everyone's view
as you play out a tragic greek theme.
"
"the accepter excels as a dad:
no matter how errant his lad,
that rapscallion of his,
he will take him as is.
thus the good makes the best of the bad.
"
"once the world was atwitter with news
of the man who unearthed the earth's clues.
he gave hominids cause
to start wagging their jaws
till they changed their once-fossilized views.
"
"i could tell by the glint in her eye
she was pregnant by some other guy.
said i, 'you're bereft
of a husband!' and left,
just a cuckold and wondering why.
"
"poor weaver ? her weaving was doomful:
she'd woven more cloth than a room full.
and thus overloaded,
the loom jets exploded:
that loom fool would soon make a tomb full.
"
"the runner was very athletic
though both of his legs were prosthetic;
one was steel, one was wood,
so he didn't look good.
""he's athletic,"" i said, ""not aesthetic.""
"
"if mary's is big, how 'bout janet,
whose arse is as large as a planet?
two buttocks, like moons,
play celestial tunes
when she farts ? you'd best hope she don't fan it!
"
"a psychologist sought a review
of a case, who was anxious, and who
said he dreamt he could fly,
but then, waking, would cry
for the freedom he fleetingly knew.
"
"tasty bird, sitting proud on my wall,
soon discovered that pride precedes fall.
it is sad and all that,
but you can't blame the cat ?
to the carnivore, meat conquers all.
"
"now mary, we know, was obeser
than most, so it took, to release her
rear end from the toilet
(they had to well oil it),
two hours, then three to degrease her.
"
"a singer once sang karaoke
till his voice became caustically croaky,
which might help singing blues,
but with dylan his muse,
he aspired to something more folky.
"
"there's a blight on my soul, like a canker,
that burns me, and feeds on my rancour.
but the touch of your skin
calms the anger within:
you're my healer, my lover, my anchor.
"
"who are you then, to judge or despise
the drunkard with tears in his eyes?
who are you to demand
what a man should withstand?
he alone knows the reason he cries.
"
"the aerosphere's barely a ghost
of a gaseous layer. at most,
it's a hundred miles tall,
yet without it we'd all
very quickly be nothing but toast.
"
"feeling peaky, i dosed my clam chowder
with strong antimonial powder.
this algaroth stew
sent me straight to the loo,
where my retching grew louder and louder.
"
"the centurions covered their ears
as the tidings from gaul fed their fears:
the armorican hordes
had forsaken their swords
and were now armed with brittany spears!
"
"when it's cold as can physically be,
you'll see zero in kelvin's degree.
under fahrenheit's line
it's a whole four-five-nine,
and in celsius two-seven-three.
"
"if a pilot's requested to switch
the extent of his roll, yaw, or pitch,
so as safely to land,
but shouts ""who's in command?!""
we've a real attitudinal glitch.
"
"the wood of the sandarach tree
(arbor vitae in latin?q.v.)
is known as alerce
and useful, i dare say,
as any soft timber may be.
"
"if athenians leave you ecstatic,
or you favour words curt yet dramatic,
atticism's your creed,
but please don't think you need
to start spending more time in the attic.
"
"if a bev'rage or chemical firm should
suggest mixing something with wormwood,
the instructions would state
simply ""absinthiate,""
which defines it as no other term would.
"
"any process where oxygen's near
is aerobic, which fills me with cheer.
when they tell me to train,
i trot out my refrain:
""i'm aerobically drinking my beer!""
"
"my unidirectional horse
always follows a northerly course,
since the evening we met
with a hypnotist vet
who applied doctor mesmer's strange force.
"
"the moorish alhambra is brill?
in granada it's top of the bill.
just be sure of inflections
when asking directions:
the carpet shop's less of a thrill.
"
"astrologically, me and the wife
should be destined for trouble and strife,
since pisces and leo
can never agree. oh,
thank heavens the stars don't match life!
"
"to make aleberry, find some good beer
(budget lager won't cut it, i fear),
then heat it with spices,
add bread in thick slices,
and drink to a happy new year!
"
"mother nature perfected her powers
by reshaping nasturtiums for hours.
she was awfully dismayed
when a maladroit maid
quite abhorrently vacuumed her flowers.
"
"if you're after a gift that's refined,
showing insight and presence of mind,
ask around in the town
for an aptotic noun
such as ""sheep,"" since it can't be declined.
"
"arbor vitae means either the tree
that produces alerce (q.v.)
or the grim ""tree of life""
that's revealed when a knife
cuts the brain longitudinally.
"
"aeroplankton abounds everywhere?
living stuff that's suspended in air:
mini plant-life and beasts
such as spiders and yeasts?
which is why we evolved nasal hair.
"
"to enliven the view from my shack,
i once planted a quickbeam out back.
that inveterate rowan
keeps growin' and growin' ?
i've an arboricultural knack.
"
"there's a question that has to be faced:
was the whole reformation a waste?
the ""high"" c of e
would doubtless agree
'cos these anglos have catholic taste.
"
"be it strongly or weakly anthropic,
this principle's quite a hot topic:
any great toe
that negates you and me
(since we're here) clearly must be myopic.
"
"""don't behave like a posturing antic:
it's grotesque, and it's driving mum frantic.
please try to be normal,
with actions more formal.""
said the boy, ""you'd prefer sycophantic...?""
"
"in winter, why is it he's chosen
to dress in such short lederhosen?
all the chafing and rubbing
(despite constant dubbing)
just heightens the pain when he's frozen.
"
"to pierce a fine hole with an awl,
little paul grabbed a two-handed maul.
he struck with such force
that the tool's now dextrorse,
like a corkscrew that's ever so small.
"
"as witnessed by all whom he met,
j.s. bach was inclined to beget.
he never would shirk
his great organ work?
thus his wives issued forth with regret.
"
"even when she was playing the harp,
mona's tongue was most viciously sharp.
she would whinge on and on
till her colleagues looked wan.
oh boy, did she know how to carp!
"
"when my friends came to visit, our crockery
was always a target for mockery.
neither wedgwood nor spode
had adorned our abode.
still, the shards now look great in our rockery!
"
"although she appears to be dim,
her brain is full up to the brim
with pun, rhyme, and metre
that mustn't defeat her.
she's constantly out on a lim.
"
"though she practised the piano all night,
her chromatic scales never went right.
""i am turning quite grey,""
said the girl with dismay.
""what a fight for what's just black and white.""
"
"a musician whose features are flat
will never look sharp in a hat,
though it's natural when hot?
accidental  or not?
to let your hair down and sing scat.
"
"peeping tom: by the window he sat,
hidden under the brim of his hat.
though he won a crisp fiver
for ogling godiva,
seems now he's as blind as a bat.
"
"since apocrypha thrive on the net,
there's no telling what ""facts"" you might get
or who wrote them?or when.
want assurance? why, then,
better stick to the local gazette.
"
"i once met a girl who spoke spanish
with a voice vaguely . . . shall i say . . . mannish.
i said, ""should i assume?""
she said, ""come a mi room""?
where my doubts she proceeded to banish.
"
"there's a bright-colored-buttock buffoon
whose hairless rear end makes 'em swoon.
to his dog-muzzle face
some might say, ""a disgrace,""
but i'd counter, instead, ""a baboon.""
"
"when abracadabra's incanted,
the magic in matter's transplanted.
from out of the blue
you might wake in peru
as a starry-eyed incan, enchanted.
"
"with its dribbles and patterns ecstatic,
action painting, as style, is dramatic.
but as art, i confess,
it's a splatter-streaked mess:
like what birds do when trapped in an attic.
"
"absenteeism's good to avoid;
there's no point getting bosses annoyed.
so you woke deathly ill?
you should go to work still.
too much sick leave, you'll wake unemployed.
"
"the avenger who comes in the night
to redress ev'ry insult and slight
that you felt in the day
is a dream-wish clich??
yet sometimes the dream sets things right.
"
"said the maid in the midst of her chore,
""i feel stranded when mopping this floor.
come and sweep me away
from this bucket and spray
to where waves wash a tropical shore.""
"
"ah, the squash with the yellowish flesh . . .
how its taste and my taste for it mesh!
in a butter-brushed dish,
soft and warm, it's delish.
there's just nothing like acorn squash, fresh.
"
"said the college grad seeking admission
to med school, to prove his ambition:
""i can make any cut?
and what's more, i can putt?
so i'm sure i can be a physician.""
"
"said she, ""just to list last night's stand
needs two commas and one ampersand:
the cook, his wife, half
of the catering staff
&amp; the brighouse and rastrick brass band.""
"
"a hasty young husband from reading
awoke to find crabs in the bedding.
add the burn in his piss,
and his conjugal bliss
gave way to regrets for the wedding.
"
"some brunettes would prefer to be fair,
and natural blondes are quite rare.
i have to applaud
the men who afford
them the fortune they spend on their hair.
"
"for his god, yet another man dies,
reckless hate for my soul in his eyes.
is it asking a smidgeon
too much of religion
to depolarize those who despise?
"
"said marie antoinette, ""it may heal,
if we give the blood time to congeal.
so there's still a small chance
i'll be ruler of france,
though i don't want to seem difficile.""
"
"can it be that the fate of a poet
is to suffer, unable to show it?
that his poem belies
all the pain in his eyes
that he feels in a world that can't know it?
"
"though mary was kind and vivacious,
her rear was abnormally spacious.
'twas a right royal farce,
finding clothes for her arse,
but a field tent was quite efficacious.
"
"come with me, and i'll show, if you dare,
the darkness that feeds my despair.
don't be fooled by my smile:
i am here for a while,
but my soul has no hope of repair.
"
"thought the weaver, ""the weaving of thread'll
be quicker with jets on my treadle.""
the loom, hard to master,
went faster and faster,
till she wished she'd installed a brake pedal.
"
"her sweet lover would bring roses red,
which she dried before petals were shed.
but her cleaner one day
came and threw them away.
she explained, ""they've been binned cos they're dead!""
"
"my big sister, at school (this is true),
was the scourge of her teachers (she knew).
cos her spelling was heinous,
she wrote about anus
(high priest). what a bum thing to do!
"
"though he won't have the use of a cleaver,
he'll work himself into a fever.
and he won't give a dam
that he's made a log jam
in the cam; he's a true eager beaver.
"
"""ship ahoy!"" quoth the rude buccaneer,
as a source of rich booty drew near.
""forget jewels and doubloons
(though they'd both be great boons),
cos we've only sailed here for the beer.""
"
"""don't be arrogant, darling,"" she begs.
""i'm the expert ? the best on two legs.""
but her smart grandson josh
replies, ""no, that won't wash,
i shall teach you, dear gran, to suck eggs!""
"
"archaeologists, dare i confess,
give me doubts when they seek to impress
with ""a fragment of fibula""
(when it might be mandibular!)...
it's a bone of contention, i guess.
"
"an acaudal sleek feline, a male,
from the isle of man bravely set sail.
this cat, though real cool,
was mocked like a fool
by the crew for the want of a tail.
"
"a mechanic knows critical damping
dulls vibrations by viscous-flow cramping.
but to hacks it implies
that the editing guys
will go zap: ""this is crap. start revamping.""
"
"there was once a young man from australia
whose armpit turned into a dahlia.
he loved the new scent?
oh the money he'd spent
on deodorant that ended in failure!
"
"""cure my cataracts,"" ethel implores.
""loss of eyesight one simply abhors!""
now, with eyes shining bright,
she exclaims with delight,
""wow! just look at the dust in my drawers!""
"
"her clothes were the finest and best:
she was always so nattily dressed.
then her man saw her bare,
and was moved to declare,
""you'd look great in a plain old string vest!""
"
"an experienced hiker from kent
carried dubbin wherever she went.
""its tallow and oil
mean my boots never spoil
in the rain, and sore feet i prevent.""
"
"my aunt, on her chin, grew a bristle
as stiff as the spikes on a thistle,
till her son grabbed his shaver
(from scorn he would save her)?
now her jawline's as clean as a whistle.
"
"a small space was their venue all year;
chamber music their goal, that was clear.
but their tutor's remark?
""this quartet is no lark;
there's still room for improvement i hear!""
"
"silly guy (and his friends) once played  boules,
in a field full of cowpats (the fools!).
first he swung, then he flung,
then he slipped (in fresh dung),
then he fell head-first (splat!) 'tween two stools.
"
"he waxed lyrical as he drew near,
but the guard stopped him short with a jeer?
""in madame tussauds
there's no place for live broads.
they're all dead as a doornail in here.""
"
"""throw away that old smock, and don't whine!
to dress well on a farm is just fine.""
but she wasn't secure
on high heels, in manure,
and she fell, casting pearls before swine.
"
"her passion for him made her gush,
""i'm bound to admit i've a crush.
his clothes are so dandy...
he's tasty eye-candy!
such a pity he's daft as a brush.""
"
"""off to london by train! is it true
that we're going to be changing at crewe?""
""no, i rather think not.
this old suit's all i've got,
and i'm sure that one outfit will do.""
"
"""when i light this ear candle you'll find
it will draw out debris of all kind.""
cried the boy feeling shaky,
""i like earwax cakey...
and what if it sucks out my mind?""
"
"since an elderly spinster from lincs.,
learnt of ancient egyptians, she  thinks
of king tut's golden flail,
and the mummified male,
and the sphincter ? hang on, she means sphinx!
"
"""stop disporting yourself in this fashion,""
begged her mother, voice anxious, face ashen.
but this girl loved to frolic,
her dress sense symbolic
of mutinous, juvenile passion.
"
"there was once a delinquent named terry,
whose unsocial behaviour was very
distressing to see.
so the powers that be
cast  him way out to sea in a wherry.
"
"a tune was once played by a cat;
someone yelled, ""you should orchestrate that!""
the poor cat misheard it,
and, laying a turd, it
defenestrated itself and went splat.
"
"compared to the force of a gale,
a sailing ship's naturally frail,
and, being thus blasted,
risks being dismasted
by failing to furl enough sail.
"
"with both cars at a fast cracking pace,
nose-to-nose, the same time, the same place,
this old gent in a bentley
bent mine none too gently:
we met, there and then, face to face.
"
"i once bought an eider; a duck. it
reputedly came from nantucket.
i'd a duck, then another
(i purchased its brother),
and brought them both home in my bucket.
"
"creeping lily?it sounds like a fellow
might find her in what?a bordello?
she's a glamorous cutie
of poisonous beauty,
whose flowers are purple or yellow.
"
"what is dotary? time-ravaged faces,
weak bladders, and aches in odd places.
but nothing's more foul
than voiding one's bowel
when bending to tie up one's laces.
"
"sad but true that i'm not in my prime,
had my heyday; i've run out of time.
i'm archaic, pass?;
life is ebbing away
like the tide: the effluxion of time.
"
"'poor me, and poor duncan. he's dead;
i'm troubled. i'm watching the spread
of his blood as it's spewing,
his doublet embrewing.'
said macbeth: 'now his threads are all red.'
"
"your blue-and-white pottery plate
is fragile and richly ornate.
be it doulton or delph
that you put on your shelf,
test the shelf: is it up to the weight?
"
"""to my rue,"" said the surgeon dejectly,
""we stitched your insides incorrectly:
so, sadly, your colon
is horribly swollen,
and joined to your arse indirectly.""
"
"if you ever approach a stilled snake,
its status can seem quite opaque.
""is it sleeping or dead?""
you might ask, with some dread,
till it strikes you: it's live and awake.
"
"at that job, see, ya couldn't relax?
people's constantly watchin' their backs.
so i felled a big tree
on the boss's hum-vee.
served him right. the bum gave me the ax.
"
"all the moms at the circus are awed
by the tigers that circle, bare-clawed;
but the sequin-legged thing
upside-down on a swing
always causes the dads to applaud.
"
"""never leave me?i mean it,"" she said.
said he, ""i will die in your bed.""
thus most fianc?s
link the ends of their days
till pronounced, by affiancers, wed.
"
"i liked walking backwards when small.
without looking, i never did fall.
i just braced for the bump
that i felt when my rump
once again found the end of the hall.
"
"in a wheelchair miss hap had her throne,
tooling round with one hand on a phone.
when the chair slipped her grip,
the ditz did a flip.
now she moans that she's accident prone.
"
"within ammeter, ""am"" means amperes?
which (to translate for non-engineers)
means it measures the current
so no one gets burrrrrr-nt
when sticking live wires in their ears.
"
"if a word like adapt can adapt
across cultures without getting scrapped?
adaptare, estranged,
turned adapten (times changed)?
it's adopted (though sometimes rewrapped).
"
"since my glasses were slightly awry,
some things that were far appeared nigh,
which put me off course
till my south became norse,
and my danish dessert became thai.
"
"it's axiomatic, it's true:
when the cat is put down, you feel blue;
when the dog up and dies,
you empty your eyes;
but when your time has come, you make do.
"
"the next time you say, ""she's a cutie,""
consider it also your duty
to examine what backs this:
a well-centered axis,
begetting, through symmetry, beauty.
"
"the wheel is a famous invention,
but the axle, you'll note, by extension,
is the pivotal shaft
that turns wheels into craft
and really deserves equal mention.
"
"if you read the french poet baudelaire,
with his poison, his harlots, his flair
for grim death, you will see,
in his verses' debris,
the way beauty can bloom from despair.
"
"some kid in pe told a shocker:
bacteria lived in his locker!
(what bio-class beaker's
as rich as old sneakers
and socks full of microbes from soccer?)
"
"my tennis coach taught me to swing
without care for his sarcasm's sting.
his back-handed praise?
""you astound and amaze.""
(i couldn't connect with a thing.)
"
"i'm a sucker for animal rights.
ev'ry summer, i lie awake nights,
food for fly and mosquito?
unable to veto
the first law of nature: it bites!
"
"with my anthropocentric perspective?
wholly human (and way self-reflective)?
i'm the center of all
on this blue and white ball.
too bad my perspective's defective.
"
"if you like aboriginal music,
get your hands on a didgeridoo stick.
but beware its low drone:
when that ancient horn's blown,
it could well make your pet kangaroo sick.
"
"you can spot an adeptist, i'm told,
by the skill with which matter's controlled
in his hands. look at that?
not the hare in his hat,
but the way he turns lead into gold!
"
"as a child he'd get into a tussle
with any who questioned his muscle.
now an athlete, controlled,
he just fights for the gold?
and makes far more than any of us'll.
"
"i've met several gorillas in zoos
who hold anti-darwinian views,
since if darwin was right
there's a chance that they might
be related to cher or tom cruise.
"
"the anoa of north sulawesi
isn't wild as in ""livid"" or ""crazy""?
this diminutive ox
is just wild like a fox,
or a hawk, or the michaelmas daisy.
"
"the alopias sharks are pure magic
(threshers: common, bigeye and pelagic).
these alopiidae
even take to the sky,
but they're all dying out, which is tragic.
"
"mr. asimov's demon azazel
had magical powers that dazzle,
but now that god's dead
he just mopes in his bed,
drinking coffee and flicking through razzle.
"
"dear grandchildren, 'minnie the moocher'
is distinctly unlikely to suit yer.
as a blast from the past
with appeal that will last
i would recommend bach to the future.
"
"there's a truly remarkable thesis
on the theme of monastic ascesis,
which is just six words long:
""if you like it, it's wrong""?
a short but profound exegesis.
"
"when the cultural style of a nation
is transformed by decree or migration,
so that language and dress
are more arab and less
what they were, that's arabicization.
"
"biological classification?
each species assigned its true station:
""kingdom"", ""phylum"" then ""class"",
""order"",""family"" pass
on to ""genus"" ? such organisation!
"
"the artificer said, ""did you see me
create the whole world? ain't that dreamy?""
but his capital a
up and vanished one day;
now he's just a mechanic in reme.
"
"when it comes to olympian quarrels,
aristotle can bottle his morals,
'cos the agonothetes
decides who got beat?he's
the judge who awards all the laurels.
"
"if it turns out you don't have the knack
for arias, find your own claque.
though the group may be pricey,
should you miss a high c,
their bravas will cover your back.
"
"please excuse a small snicker congenial
while writing this limerick menial.
i just have to chortle.
my sin is not mortal
to have written it. no, it is venial.
"
"alexander the great found quite stirrin'
 asia minors, and once was heard purrin'
 over one special boy?
 a persian, a joy!
end of ode on a gre-ci-an errin'.
"
"when you join with a friend, you're complicit
if the scheme you envision's illicit.
chances are that you'll fail
and will end up in jail.
so consider your freedom. you'll miss it.
"
"""tell me true. am i hart? am i hind?""
questioned bambi, unsure of his kind.
""it does seem to me
that i'm always called 'she,'
which means that i ... oh, never mind!""
"
"at this time of my life?at this juncture?
i'm ready to try acupuncture.
is each needle they stick
a treatment or trick?
do i like that i'm being outthunk'd?  sure.
"
"at the auto concours d'?l?gance,
french egos are swelled for the nonce.
but the yanks, if you please,
just parade suvs,
in a gas-guzzling, gutsy response.
"
"men delivering coal in november
is something we old folks remember.
down the coal chute it came
and i'm here to proclaim
that the coal kept us warm in december.
"
"i like to stretch out on my cot.
it's light, so i move it a lot.
and if i'm not found
i'm just sleeping around
at some spot where it's hot.  or it's not.
"
"the limerick's not my best suit,
but this one i think's a real beaut.
just spare me the plaudits
of those slightly awed, ""it's
a nice little poem, ed?cute.""
"
"tell me what do  you think of this mix:
the coadjutor-coadjutrix?
just who's helping whom
and will there be room
for all of their helping-hand shtiks?
"
"if a tale seems excessively gory
and you think it's a cock-and-bull story,
then what fills you with mirth
when you hear it on earth
may be gospel on alpha centauri.
"
"the question was, will you still need me?
which was followed by, will you still feed me?
i was there long ago
and there's this much i know?
i'm just happy for someone to read me.
"
"community service is given
to starlets who sometimes are driven
to commit small offenses.
the judge then dispenses
tasks meant for a place they don't live in.
"
"""i'm the greatest,"" he told me conceitedly.
""i'm the greatest,"" he told me repeatedly.
i know you're the top.
you just told me.  now stop.
please stop it. please stop it! (me, heatedly.)
"
"i am old, like the leaves on the trees
growing cold in the chill autumn breeze.
once vibrant and sound,
they are withered, embrowned;
their pain only death now can ease.
"
"they buried a buddy of mine.
he's encased in a coffin of pine,
and, as from the hereafter,
i thought i heard laughter:
he owed me some money, the swine!
"
"to emule's to ape, and it might
be quite nice, or it might be in spite,
like to mimic in jest
some buffoon you detest:
to mock or deride as a slight.
"
"roger works both at night and by day.
he's two strings to his bow: extra pay.
it's a lot, single-handed,
but he's not double stranded;
that's used to describe dna.
"
"for removal, it helps a great deal
if your nuts are of quality steel.
otherwise they may rust,
and you'll find that you must
grind them off with an emery wheel.
"
"my memoirs: a bum among stars,
being thrown out of nightclubs and bars:
a drunk's retrospective
of exits ejective.
my liver and i bear the scars.
"
"a new word on me, this elute:
""to wash out with a solvent"" ? that's cute;
would rear-end irrigation
be one illustration
of that sort of cleansing pursuit?
"
"the fashions of aural adorning
are weird; some should come with a warning.
it's your auricle's gear?let
your choice of an earlet
reflect how you feel in the morning.
"
"consisting of pigmented gel,
a carbon print works very well:
better colour retention
than silver suspension,
without the developer smell.
"
"guess it's hard to discern in this life
which woman would make a good wife:
one was kind, but eschewed me;
the other just screwed me,
then severed my soul like a knife.
"
"in tragedy's overexposure
when the populace clamors for closure,
one says, ""yeah, it's tough,
but we've all had enough.
what we need now is?frankly?composure.""
"
"if you're going to clip, you must clop.
there's no way you can clip and then stop.
you must start with a clip,
since the meter can't skip:
so clip-clop and clip-clop and clip-
"
"the achaeans convened some greek cities?
formed a league to resolve nitty-gritties.
this was back in bc
but the romans said, ""gee,
time to end this.  too many committees.""
"
"when he's put out to stud, does the horse
then reflect on his past with remorse?
does he start feeling silly
when paired with a filly?
does he mind being pa for the course?
"
"at the goal line?so close?coffin corner!
the punted ball's out and the mourner,
the returner, aghast,
stands alone (the die's cast!)
with his thumb up his ass like jack horner.
"
"just a few sips of wine for romance
that he hoped he would find at the dance,
then an earth-shaking thud
and our drink-sodden stud
lost his partner, his pride, and his chance.
"
"dripping wet at the pool stood sweet jeanie.
zeke assessed her physique and bikini:
""i don't mean to impose?
wanna shed those soaked clothes
and slip into a tall dry martini?""
"
"in the gulf they do deep off-shore drilling,
but they can't always stop oil from spilling.
birds in crude to their necks
or fat dividend checks,
either way, see bp make a killing.
"
"at the car lot he asked, ""whatcha think?""
his wife's fickleness stirred up a stink.
""m'mind's changed to a lease
on a hot pink caprice.""
(just the thing that would drive him to drink.)
"
"gay and proud, at the mirror to preen
for the key west parade and whole scene.
then his royal blue skirt
slipped and slid through the dirt.
he's a double entendre drag queen.
"
"the voluptuous torso of dottie?
what a body!  she's really a hottie.
i once sneaked a peek,
and it made my knees weak.
(it turns out that she teaches karate.)
"
"when i  first saw sweet rosalie sue,
she was leaving a bobbing canoe ?
what a sight for sore eyes,
when her long slender thighs
were exposed as her skirt flew askew.
"
"it's another dull day here at work:
same ol' desk, same ol' chair, same ol' clerk.
so we slip from our jackets
the basketball brackets,
a racket turned into a perk.
"
"road repairmen, named willie and walt,
had their paving work come to a halt.
a huge chunk of the street
slowly sank 'neath their feet.
""don't blame me, walt, that's your big ass fault.""
"
"there once was a guy from key west
who wanted a manlier chest.
to his utter chagrin,
it was skinny, caved-in;
the embarrassment left him depressed.
"
"there once was a lady named nell
who thought sex would condemn her to hell,
till the preacher at church
called it ""christian research.""
(as researcher, she did very well.)
"
"i've a sports car, a brand new corvette,
and it's driven me deep into debt.
but if a hot chick'll
jump in for a tickle,
oh man, i will have no regret.
"
"your letter is way out of line!
we promised you body and shine.
our product's not shoddy;
there's shine 'top your body.
you don't have a reason to whine.
"
"we've been married for fifty short years;
you've brought cheers and sustained me through tears.
the plain truth now appears
through the gold souvenirs:
i'm indebted for life ? in arrears.
"
"the outcome was wholly unplanned.
nine months after his hot one-night stand,
he was at the marina
when he got the subpoena
and paternity test court command.
"
"o father, i've sinned.  i confess.
my secret has caused great distress.
my tryst with a nun
started out as great fun
till she left me for you! ... i digress.
"
"this wasn't the everyday filler,
when we read the abortionist killer
aimed his gun at a pew
in a church where he knew
sat his ""enemy"", dr. george tiller.
"
"in this corner: apollo mccain!
and what shows on his game face? no strain.
he flexes and stretches,
and glares at the wretches
who claim he's not fit to campaign.
"
"though poor william f. buckley is dead,
chris, his offspring, can still use his head.
the conservative's son
went and picked the right one.
not the right one, the left one instead.
"
"my wife sidled up just to say,
""do you know it's st. valentine's day?
that's a date we should keep:
if you weren't so dang cheap,
we could dine at the hog trough buffet.""
"
"left to drift through the wreck of the slaughter,
their skin peeled; their tongues parched in the water;
desquamation and thirst
were both part of our worst
naval loss. pray for each son and daughter.
"
"a chump who's a frump and quite plump
had been tricked to sit down on a stump
with a bump that was thick.
what a gullible hick!
now he's got a sore lump on his rump.
"
"the supreme court's john roberts (the chief)
left the nation in near disbelief:
as he swore in barack,
he misspoke and the shock
gave this justice the chief share of grief.
"
"ben was sued, a result of abuse.
though not violent, he had no excuse.
it was called a harsh slapp,
which became his own trap.
with court process he played fast and loose.
"
"uncle sam tried to give him the shaft,
but the young man sat down and just laughed
as he shifted his chair
in canadian air
to the best place for dodging the draft.
"
"there once was a priest from st. cloud
whose homilies started too loud,
but because of their length
they diminished in strength,
as he lost both his voice and his crowd.
"
"as for style, she's the post's heart and soul,
and she rules with despotic control.
she will pick every nit
in her search for good wit;
there's a toll if your limerick's not droll.
"
"a man and a plan, a canal!
is not quite a palindrome, pal.
but a way to let ships
make the shortest of trips
and a route to your eardrum's locale.
"
"albert einstein developed this theory
that was weird to most laymen, and eerie,
where m times c-squared
on the right side compared
to the left side, which had but a mere e.
"
"chapelry's easy to grapple.
i  googled  the word on my apple.
since time immemorial
it's the whole territorial
district assigned to a chapel.
"
"professional writers get queasy
when  easy gets written as e-z.
sure, it won't save much time,
but it's easy, and i'm
thus inclined 'cause i'm awfully b-z.
"
"reading cummings can leave readers lost,
as his commas and letters get  tossed.
as a poet, e. e.
fits the mold to a 't'
if the t's lowercase and uncrossed.
"
"every time that i sit down alone
near the artwork of walled dry-laid stone,
soon my spirit's imbued
with a mystical mood
and contentment that goes to the bone.
"
"rush limbaugh's fourth wedding drew near.
in a liberal show of good cheer,
he shelled out a million
and rocked crocodilian ?
a choice that his listeners thought queer.
"
"when the cold has her feeling forlorn,
she has dreams of green beans and sweet corn.
in the spring, she'll plant seeds
and she'll pull out the weeds;
she envisions her garden reborn.
"
"there's a need to inform santa's elves
that more toys should be up on their shelves.
does any one elf own
a land line or cell phone?
if so, we can tell them ourselves.
"
"you are young.  you are brave. so there's hope.
and being in love, you elope,
running off to get married.
do you wish you had tarried?
you missed a big wedding.  you dope!
"
"will you take, sir, my coach-and-four?  please.
did i leave my wife in it? oh, jeez!
you get her and four horses.
such power, of course, is
guaranteed to impress your main squeeze.
"
"now there's no need to get hoity-toity
'bout the state known as  allopolyploidy:
means you've two haploid sets.
feeling hapless? well let's
just forget it and look at the boidie.
"
"at the cocktail party you mingle
with guests who are hopefully single.
but don't go too soon?
if you get there at noon,
you'll be drinking alone with this jingle.
"
"an agent who's general is not
like bond; he's no excellent shot.
he's an aussie away
from his country; he'll say
what his state thinks of us. (not a lot...)
"
"overlooking the luncheon buffet,
""carpe diem!"" i heard my friend say.
i asked: ""joe, you do know
that means 'get up and go'?
it doesn't mean 'fish of the day'!""
"
"'german jokes', or the 'british cuisines',
'french defence', or some 'well-balanced teens'.
each phrase reaffirms
contradiction in terms
means we can't say what 'liquid ice' means.
"
"""when a breached his duty of care,
he harmed b, but this court is aware
that b was a fool
to keep fuel by his stool:
to reduce the award would be fair.""
"
"easter eve is day two (out of three)
that he lay in the tomb?r.i.p.
going back to that day,
an apostle might say,
""why he died beats the hell out of me!""
"
"with no alibi, reason, or plea,
my behavior's excuseless, but he
offers mercy and grace
to the lowly and base
(and to sly politicians like me).
"
"my doctor said, ""granny, my dear,
your results have returned and it's clear
why your hearing's amiss?
leaking endolymph!  this
is a fluid contained in your rear.""
"
"while conforming to standards, persist
in adhering to what's on the list.
follow rules and abhor
all uniqueness since you're
a conventional?orthodox?ist!
"
"what's meant by catastrophonical?
it's being both phallic and yonical.
it's a circular square
or an atheist's prayer;
it means nothing: the question's ironical.
"
"a blundering fool from bombay
knocked off my top client's toupee.
so no gossip is heard,
mr singh's been transferred:
he'd blunder the secret away.
"
"a boilerplate contract can scare,
for the small print deceives. be aware!
or you'll pray the judge penning
the judgement is denning:
""the terms will be void if unfair.""
"
"when in paris, and feeling audacious,
i met kate, who was cutely vivacious.
but in the hotel
my garlicky smell
put her off: i was far too cepaceous.
"
"you can lull him with musical tricks,
or put drugs in your honeycake mix.
but three heads (and six eyes)
mean it wouldn't be wise
to pass cerberus, guarding his styx.
"
"i am quite antiwelfare. i think
that unless you can swim you should sink.
let's not squander tax cash
on the lazy white trash:
they'll just blow it on ciggies and drink!
"
"can you keep this a secret? don't tell!
i cheated my uncle miguel.
i defrauded my dad
and my gran (who was mad),
and i cozened my cousins as well.
"
"i took gran to the law court and she
asked me ""where will the prisoner be?""
it was not as she thought,
for a chancery court
judge tries no-one? except the qc.
"
"under absolute privilege, you
can just say what you like: i can't sue.
i may strongly deny,
but no action will lie,
even though what you say is untrue.
"
"said ellie, ""there is no debate,
for stroking a boat would be great.""
on crew-dates with queen's,
she pouts and she preens:
tonight is the night for all eight!
"
"first a pawn to king 4 (fairly straight);
then the bishop to c4 (and wait).
next the queen to f3
(come on black, don't you see?!);
queen takes king's bishop's pawn: that's checkmate.
"
"the intent of the primitive cross?
crucifixion?in essence, the loss
of a life, by decree,
on a pole or a t?
like the death of the son of the boss.
"
"in a eulogy, you may condense
and deliver the lifetime events
of a person you love?
but in memory of.
(after all, they're not there, in a sense.)
"
"missing one, there was vincent van gogh
and that servant near jesus, although,
with an ear under par
they weren't earless by far;
and still further was holyfield, no?
"
"the indefinite article an
would be used if what followed began
with no consonant sound,
but with brits i have found
an heretical usage to ban.
"
"as a christian, i'll always contend
that there's life after death.  comprehend?
like a dog, without fail,
when he's chasing his tail,
a beginning will follow the end.
"
"a perfectionist teacher in school
had inflexibly cited each rule.
so a student named chris
who wrote papers like this
incurred capital punishment. (fool!)
"
"though the test match turned quite catastrophic,
my cab-driver's still philosophic:
""guv, this series dahn under
has now made me wonder
when you need 'im, where's marcus trescoffick?""
"
"a lack of calciferol's fun
(although rickets are that way begun),
'cos the treatment is free:
making vitamin d,
lying out on the beach in the sun.
"
"twelve carats? that's only half gold.
cheap rings leave a girl like me cold.
but twelve-carat rocks
will sure rock my socks;
a diamond that size and i'm sold!
"
"after diving in china's south seas,
he showed symptoms of caisson disease.
too quickly he went
upon his ascent,
and the bends brought that man to his knees.
"
"got spurned, so i don't have a date;
appropinquated kate far too late.
before my approach,
she fell for her coach.
note to self: it does not pay to wait!
"
"cyanamide (sounds like it's blue)
is a crystalline acid, but who
knows it's hueless or white
and that, when it's used right,
it may help those dependent on brew?
"
"all my friends think my husband's a saint.
so for them, here's the picture i paint:
he deserves no applause.
he has character flaws;
every foible's a cause for complaint.
"
"""yes, sir, officer (hic) it is true
that i'm drunk, but my dear man in blue,
i am pleading the fifth,
and the pint that it's with,
not be poured on the ground?i'm not through.""
"
"to reveal my, um, aptness, i thought
i would share some, uh, lines that i got
from, er, movies and stuff?
cause, like sure, that's enough
to show that i'm eloquent?not!
"
"""came about"" is the way i propose
to define it; for everyone knows
that defining a word
with itself is absurd,
like ""arose is arose is arose.""
"
"if a penis were used (when it's hard)
as a measuring stick (disregard
that it's quite unconventional;
it's largely extensional),
would six, end to end, make a yard?
"
"deoxyadenosine, free
in my bloodstream, is scary to me.
this deficiency, then,
poisons lymphocytes when
ada can't remove that debris.
"
"since the view from the shore is divine,
as the sun on the sea makes it shine,
the truth comes to light:
such a picturesque site
proves there must be a cosmic design.
"
"to separate cone from ice cream,
some chocolate between is the scheme.
so spica's cone's dry
and we all flock to buy
this ""vanilla and strawberry dream"".
"
"my sycophant friends form a throng
who'll agree and concur, though i'm wrong.
whenever i speak
they'll never critique?
concordantly nodding along.
"
"the cooktop's where ramsey will toil.
he'll first fry fresh lemons in oil,
and then season the fish,
adding herbs to the dish,
wrap it up, and then bake it in foil.
"
"controversial: it's under dispute.
it's contentious?should frank get the boot?
now i've read what he wrote
i've but one word to note?
controverseial: frank's new repute.
"
"the question said, ""courage: define.""
only one put his grades on the line.
all he wrote for his task
was: ""i see that you ask
what is courage? well, sir, this is mine!""
"
"though the queen is the head of the state,
she's a figurehead, calmly ornate.
for it's long been agreed
that the government lead?
it's the system that made britain great!
"
"a chorister singing ""messiah""
had noticed the church was on fire,
but misheard the refrain:
""he is god, he shall reign"",
and neglected to warn the poor choir.
"
"to convey in a carriage: encoach.1
"
"hippopotamus hullabaloo
discombobulates kalamazoo.
entertainment aside,
numerations applied,
comprehensively rendering few.
"
"i just butchered my poetry test.
write an epitrite? clueless, i guessed
at three short and one long,
but my foot work was wrong;
it's reversed and i'm rightfully stressed.
"
"excreation is used when you're fraught
with secretions that feel like a clot;
you can spit to expel
such a mass that may dwell
in your throat.  is it pleasant?  it's not.
"
"chef is constantly making mistakes
and invariably burning the cakes.
since all of his erring
is always recurring,
i don't think he's got what it takes.
"
"have you heard of the capuchin, pray?
he has habits that might cause dismay.
so who's this cowled male?
with a prehensile tail,
he must be  a monkey,  i'd  say.
"
"""you must stop this cavorting and prancing,""
daddy said. ""there's no future in dancing.""
but she joined ballets russes,
and heard no more abuse.
she was praised?her jet?s? ""life-enhancing!""
"
"""please stop cuddling that rat, as i fear
you'll be plagued with diseases, my dear.""
but  this resolute lad
was determined (and mad),
and he left with a flea in his ear!
"
"she felt bad ? she'd been formally chided,
for her writing was often derided.
seemed she had great potential
for ""inconsequential"",
so her work limped along quite lopsided.
"
"at my school,  i'd a teacher who fed
on the limbs of bad children she'd shred.
 eagle-sighted, she'd pick
up the tiniest trick.
she had eyes in the back of her head.
"
"""egocentric? what, me? don't be mad.
i admit i'm a bright, handsome lad,
and i'm caring and kind,
and i know my own mind...
hey, stop walking away ? come on, dad!""
"
"ere he spied the armada from spain,
francis, batting, was bowled yet again.
drake was out for a duck
and declared, ""just my luck?
next time i'll play bowls. what a pain!""
"
"venture into those vaults if you dare,
for the catacomb's murk tends to scare.
though no place for a joke,
spare a thought for those folk
who were dying to get into there.
"
"this frenchman is ""tr?s debonair"":
he does it with veuve and with flair.
and so, with panache,
he totes his moustache
from affair to affair to affair.
"
"if facts never stick in your mind,
don't panic ? i think that you'll find
when what you've been taught
has vanished from thought,
education is what's left behind.
"
"this constructionist judge doesn't care
if his ruling's unjust or unfair.
though the law's incoherent,
he's rigid, adherent,
an ancient, bewigged doctrinaire.
"
"to a casuist waiter from crewe,
i complained of a mouse in my stew.
i said, ""don't bring a bill!""
he replied, ""i still will,
for that isn't a mouse?it's a shrew!""
"
"if passing exams is your aim,
the compare and contrast you must tame.
sources vary, so learn
to precisely discern
what's alike, and what's not quite the same.
"
"""i'm doing my damnedest!"" said palin.
""but despite all our lies, we're still trailin'.
obama, we said,
is a terrorist red,
but our scaremonger tactics are failin'.""
"
"it is writ that industrialisation
will lead to our communisation.
then we'll follow the creed
that, according to need,
we'll distribute the wealth of creation.
"
"an old court reporter, now dead,
always heard only half what was said.
his reports were distorting:
he wrote, when reporting,
the other, unheard half instead!
"
"what on earth does this case law imply?
reading judgements, i find that when i
am studying tort,
the words of the court
cause a frown-furrowed brow and a sigh.
"
"""she's a victim,"" say friends out to dine,
""and a fool after one glass of wine.""
though the butt of their scorn,
pam was never forlorn,
cos ""butt out"" was her cool bottom line.
"
"""change your diet right now,"" his doc chides.
""get the buzz healthy eating provides.""
but this guy is a prat;
he loves saturate fat,
and will butter his bread on both sides.
"
"a priori, she likes me, and so
i will kiss her; then i'll be her beau.
but here's the true story:
a posteriori,
she slapped me. at least now i know.
"
"my young son, after eating a prune,
let one go. it was not opportune
in our pitiful car.
not evanid by far?
it's not likely to dissipate soon.
"
"""it's elamping, that lamp in our mine.""
""one can't say that?please let me opine.
it is no longer used.""
""well, you've got me confused.
tell me how in the hell does it shine?""
"
"if a penis continued to grow,
even though so exceedingly slow,
that extendlessness would,
i imagine, be good?
to a point?it had better plateau.
"
"do not what??it had sounded bizarre.
don't resuscitate? dad! dnr?
still, we sanctioned the deed?
""good decision,"" agreed?
with our brother en route from afar.
"
"in the garden of eden, the goal
of creating the mate?as in soul?
for the man with the bone
was he won't be alone.
he's complete and quite pleased with the whole.
"
"as a student of plumbing, he said
he would fabricate toilets (instead
of repairing said bowls)?
so his primary goals:
graduation and forging a head.
"
"ambiguity bides at the zoo?
on their signage, it's clearly in view:
??  keep away from the crane
??  this is cougar domain
this report is equivocally true!
"
"i'm avila, i catch as i play
for the tigers (detroit?by the way).
in '09, i debuted.
in '14, i accrued
4.1 million bucks for my pay.
"
"i remember the taste of the beer,
and her smell when i nibbled her ear,
and that sight, her behind
(where my touch was declined).
what a pity my hearing's so clear.
"
"all my counterfeit krugerrands fail.
every coin i forgot to engrail
near the edge, on the face,
with some dots. now my case
lands this careless engraver in jail.
"
"""shooting apples off somebody's head
takes decades of practice,"" tell said.
""this is son 24;
i had twenty-three more.""
i asked, ""where are they now?""  he said, ""dead.""
"
"we've just buried, with many a hymn,
that daredevil limericist, jim.
what we last heard him say
was ""a.a.b.b.a.""
always bold, jim went out on a lim.
"
"i've never seen bows on a raft:
it isn't that sort of a craft.
and yet i discern
while a raft has a stern,
what's not brought to the fore is its aft.
"
"an ambitious young lady once bet
out of coolidge three words she could get.
but she counted the cost:
all he said was, ""y'lost.""
""silent cal"" gave her cause for regret.
"
"a leprechaun, seamus o'edilf,
had a lisping half-brother named wilf.
seamus read him a slick
but obscene limerick.
said wilf, ""that is absolute filf.""
"
"when reading jane austen, i feel
she's excessively chaste and genteel.
though i like her a lot,
hot 'n' sexy she's not.
oh, if only liz bennet would peel!
"
"on our forecaster, mom keeps a log?
be it thunderstorm, heat wave, or smog.
his predictions are bad,
like the morning when dad
had to shovel a half foot of fog.
"
"""well, your honor, it's true that i poured
wet cement on the seat of her ford
to produce a concreture
that showed her best feature:
a crack that i've always adored.""
"
"the doctor is [in]?in her booth.
her compartment seems built for a youth.
from her stall, she prescribes
(via humor and gibes),
for a nickel, a dose of the truth!
"
"an old fogey, my neighbor the crank,
uses language that's vulgar and frank.
as a prude, i'd recite
his refrains, though i might
just omit all the blankety-blank.
"
"the slave androcles did a good deed:
he succoured a lion in need.
the lion, rememb'ring,
refrained from dismemb'ring
his friend, thus foregoing a feed.
"
"the arena is where, in the dirt,
the romans watched people get hurt;
where christian martyrs
were lions' choice starters,
their entree, liqueur and dessert.
"
"sir lancelot wasn't too bright.
when his warhorse ran off in a fright,
he cried, ""cowardly mammal!
i'll straddle a camel,
and become an arabian knight.""
"
"before princip's jury retired
the judge told them what was required:
the sternest rebuke,
for he'd shot the archduke
long after his permit expired.
"
"as i picked up my burger to eat,
my big brother belched, ""bone appa-teet!""
then he said, for a laugh,
that he'd heard from the staff
they found flyblow (flies' eggs) on their meat.
"
"he embezzled her every last cent;
smooth and easy, he wouldn't relent.
her life savings, her dream,
slowly sailed down the stream;
it was knowingly, flowingly spent.
"
"the exhibiter said, ""i promote
only artwork designed to connote
cultivation and style.""
then he shared, with a smile,
""take a look at what's under my coat.""
"
"when i speak, i prefer my own twist.
i will tweak each long word; here's the gist:
at the end, i add stress?
in excess, i confess.
i am not a conventionalist.
"
"mr. herriot, kneeling above
the vagina (think: animal love),
first inserted his forearm
then followed with more arm:
success! without donning a glove!
"
"episiotomy witnessed?oh my!
she was cut before hearing ""the cry.""
is that better to bear
than a vaginal tear?
i don't know; i'm just glad i'm a guy.
"
"in the midst of his runaway schemes,
edgar slept by the fire. it seems,
with the flames falling low
and the coals still aglow,
like he traded the embers for dreams.
"
"""can you furbish that clock by the door?
it won't tick, it won't tock anymore;
it is shabby and old,
with a dab of green mold.""
""i can renovate clocks by the score.""
"
"as classmates unevenly mated,
the senior and freshman debated.
the novice got beat,
lacking substance and meat,
with his arguments frothily stated.
"
"""so they're closing the casket now. crud!
she looks peaceful, my sweetheart, my bud.
through the years, things were tough,
but our vows were enough.
yes, i loved her endurably."" thud!
"
"""a rose is a rose is a rose..."",
gertrude stein wrote, as everyone knows.
we are all what we are,
be it char, star or tsar.
it shows more with a rose, i suppose.
"
"when the alles he thought he was ?ber
closed in on one a. schickelgr?ber,
he said: ""sod the big three.
argentina for me
in a u-boat i've fitted with sc?ba.""
"
"i accept that few lawyers are needy;
some are shifty and others? well, seedy.
it's a fact i must face
that they ambulance-chase.
but chase hospital ships?  now, that's greedy!
"
"few birds are renowned like the hawk,
while parrots earn kudos with talk,
but suff'ring extinction
was all the distinction
achieved by the flightless great auk.
"
"for all that i crawl and i grovel,
no agent will look at my novel.
the advice from my spouse
is: self-publish in-house
(or, given our dwelling, in-hovel).
"
"as they walked o'er the fair kentish weald,
a young woman said, ""winston, i yield.""
but the old bulldog said,
""i don't mind it abed,
but never, my dear, in the field.""
"
"if chaucer and i had a chat
i'd say: geoffrey, i've long wondered at
the couplet you wrote
about april so ""sote"".
what the hell is the point of that ""that""?
"
"young adams did not his words mince. he
denounced folks with frequency, since he
grew frightfully mad
when confused with his dad,
yelling, ""pa was plain john. i'm john quincy.""
"
"although ancestry's role is quite clear,
aristocracy's provenance, dear,
isn't always genetic:
a good diuretic
will make anybody a peer.
"
"that tower in paris is gallic
and quite unashamedly phallic.
but the pisan confection,
that tilting erection,
is, aptly enough, pure italic.
"
"thanks to leaving the tailgate ajar,
i've a sheep and a goat in my car,
plus a thing used for spying
and something for tying.
eye, kid, ewe, knot.  look ? there they are!
"
"one night at the folies berg?re
rimbaud and his pal baudelaire
devised a new dance, an'
they called it the scan scan.
it's done with the feet in the air.
"
"i'm taking the girl i adore
to the land where the alps skyward soar.
there we'll kiss and canoodle
and eat apfelstrudel
apr?s-ski, during ski ? and before.
"
"ensign full, as he shook like a reed,
felt his bladder acceding to need.
clear across mobile bay,
folks heard farragut say:
""damn the torpedoes!  full's peed!""
"
"macbeth, the bold scottish barbarian,
let drop the big sword he was carryin'.
he'd heard quite enough
when his rival, macduff,
announced that his birth was cesarean.
"
"my ring, she refuses to wear it;
she says that my jokes have more merit.
she'd rather a laugh
than a diamond, by half,
preferring the shtick to the carat.
"
"old sailormen chronicle still
the adventures of barnacle bill.
since his manners were crude,
all the stories are lewd
and they pack a hedonical thrill.
"
"to nibble the sweet caulifloweret,
i humbly suggest that you shower it
with butter and salt,
the taste to exalt,
and then, with great pleasure, devour it.
"
"a magnificent word is borborion
when uttered in accents stentorian.
but it just means, i fear,
""something useless.""  it's clear
that it isn't a word one can glory in.
"
"some believers in yahweh or isis
or christ have endured anacrisis:
they were beaten with whips,
or burned on the lips,
or had their toes nibbled by mices.
"
"since my joints are becoming granitic,
i'm taking an antiarthritic:
a glucosamine cap.
still, i crackle and snap ?
i wouldn't wish this on a critic.
"
"if your marriage you'd like to be saving,
don't dwell on your mate's misbehaving.
drop the righteous veneer,
and say, ""my fault, my dear!""
that's ""diplomacy"" (also called ""caving"").
"
"my thoughts on creation are secular:
that beings called biomolecular
owe their birth to the pang
of a really big bang,
which must have been rather spectecular.
"
"anthophobic, i'm frightened of lilies
and roses and daffy-down-dillies
and tulips, camellias,
and sweet bougainvilleas.
my god, but they give me the willies!
"
"from the jury?a perjury quiz
for bill clinton?here's why he's a whiz:
they were fallibly led
as he pretty much said,
it depends on the meaning of ""is"".
"
"armadillos at dusk have no prayer
when they walk in the street unaware.
like this here encoubert.
is it dead or just hurt?
i declare ? twenty toes in the air!
"
"the japanese bombers had neatly
flown into the harbor, completely
disabling our base.
we responded apace
the next day as we joined the war fleetly.
"
"your cat scan confirms there's no crack
in the vertebral bones of your back.
while your problem is discal,
the fusional risk'll
be high 'cause your doctor's a quack.
"
"near our fishing dock, angling for trout,
steven said, as he stumbled about,
""my foot slipped in the brook;
now my worm's off the hook.""
without doubt he's a floundering lout.
"
"you grew up without gratitude showing?
no danke, merci ever flowing.
we gave, and you took
(as if some kind of crook).
now you're leaving, still thank-you forgoing.
"
"""entia,"" said william, ""non sunt....""
his point?  to exceed's to affront.
may occam's keen razor
shine forth like a laser
for ever, and never grow blunt.
"
"st. augustine of hippo once bet
he could bed every girl in his set.
but he met with delay,
which is what made him pray:
""oh, god, make me chaste ? but not yet.""
"
"captain cook, navigational wonder,
steered endeavour with never a blunder.
over oceans he sailed;
the antipodes hailed!
(that's a word from the greek for down under.)
"
"i like films with a moral that's plain:
virtue triumphs; the baddies are slain.
minor stars play a thief
and an indian chief,
and john wayne plays john wayne once again.
"
"here's a puzzle to bandy about.
given what he exhales through his snout,
a dragon could handle
igniting a candle.
but how would he blow the thing out?
"
"aethelred, to the tax-payers' pain,
paid the danegeld again and again.
they, taxes not liking,
said: ""rid us of viking
extortion by gelding the dane!""
"
"crickets and cockchafers churr,
and calico pussycats purr.
coyotes can howl,
and dobermans growl,
but your sigh is the sound i prefer.
"
"young albert ramsbottom was doomed
to be by a lion consumed,
but he kicked and he bucked
'til old wallace upchucked,
and albert shot out, self-exhumed!
"
"in searching for people named bolk,
i found two remarkable folk:
the geneticist, lou,
as well as paul, who
takes lovely nude photos ? no joke!
"
"through a window, says shakepeare, light breaks.
seems the bard hasn't got what it takes.
light can shine, even play.
but break windows?  no way!
avon's swan?  he's a goose for land sakes!
"
"with relief, newman laid down his pen,
having heard several eminent men
say, ""we welcome from you
apologia due.
just don't let it happen again!""
"
"philosophical axioms, though deft,
are often of wisdom bereft.
je pense, donc je suis
sounds plumb crazy to me.
were it true, there'd be few of us left.
"
"mrs. arnold was furious when
her young son let her down once again.
she said, ""i'm disgusted.
you just can't be trusted.
lord, what will become of you, ben?""
"
"what sort of words are taboo
and canoe and bamboo and tattoo?
are they anapests? no,
not like, say, undergo.
i think they're four iambs, don't you?
"
"creationists flatly say, ""we
don't have apes in our family tree.
we are fully resolved
that we haven't evolved
from some anthropoid state.""  i agree.
"
"aquaethylenediaminetetra-
acetatomanganate's spectra
are really quite bland;
you could draw them by hand
with a 'teach yourself chemistry' sketcher.
"
"when computing absorption of light,
a laser, no matter how bright,
will not be sufficient ?
but one coefficient
(extinction) can help with your plight.
"
"when jenica, bucharest's tailor,
was tardy, vlad used to regale her
with stories of how,
if she didn't kowtow,
he'd find a new way to impale her.
"
"a coffee is just what you need
after spending three hours with a swede.
it'll wake you up fast,
but it's not going to last,
though you'll have the advantage of speed.
"
"an abattoir's where you'll be placed
if you've hooves and a tail and you taste
much like lamb, beef or pork ?
you'll have just a short walk
and be certain you won't go to waste.
"
"an agnostic is often accused
of not knowing, or being confused.
in fact he's pragmatic,
and knows the fanatic
can't know and can't be disabused.
"
"a scientist studying a dead
hippopotamus looked up and said,
""we could make a cell culture,
from bits of that vulture,
and work with lab research instead.""
"
"i've a bottle of whisky to send,
as a gift to an old scottish friend,
with a layer of bubble-
wrap...make it a double ?
i'd hate for the bottle to bend.
"
"when the flu virus gives you a kick,
and you're lying in bed feeling sick,
though it may be belated,
a cell-mediated
immune response might do the trick.
"
"one morning an old swami tried
not breathing; he sat glassy-eyed.
he reached half past three,
anaerobically,
but by four, the poor fella had died.
"
"humpty dumpty sat firm as a rock
while explaining the poem ""jabberwock-
y""?the badger-like toves,
and the sad borogoves,
and brillig: about four o'clock.
"
"""st. anthony, look all around,
so that what we have lost may be found.""
that's the way we kids prayed
to find objects mislaid
(they were usually right on the ground).
"
"you'd land in the old calabozo
for punching some guy in the nozo,
or for walking at noon
to the long branch saloon,
neglecting to put on your clozo.
"
"i'm loving the cute button quail,
just four inches from beak to its tail.
he likes millet to eat;
he's so fluffy and sweet,
i do hope i find one for sale!
"
"if i march with a general's gravity,
or slink with a sinuous suavity,
or hop like a hare,
or tap like astaire,
you can credit my cotyloid cavity!
"
"the ground cover, lovely calluna,
won't grow for me here in laguna
since europe's mild weather
is best for this heather.
(i wish that i'd known of that suna.)
"
"you say that we yanks are quite nutty,
and our appetites famously glutty.
we shove down the cakes
and the burgers and shakes,
but we didn't hatch the chip butty!
"
"the bagpipes of edinburgh skirled.
the clansmen in tartan kilts twirled.
""scots wha ha'e,"" they were yell'n
to welcome mcgellan,
the jock who first sailed round the world.
"
"lady astor said, ""winston, you're tight.""
churchill, smiling, said, ""nancy, you're right.""
he then added smugly,
""i'm drunk and you're ugly.
but i'll sober up overnight.""
"
"if you look at an arrow askew
it resembles a baton or cue.
seen straight-on it is not
a lot more than a dot.
this is known as king harold's eye view.
"
"jock believed highland games were a labour
of love (though his own sport was sabre).
but when running full tilt,
he abandoned his kilt.
people thought he was tossing the caber.
"
"the radio age saw a fad
for jerry colonna, quite mad.
he'd a gorgeous moustache
and his humor was brash,
and i'm proud to say he was my dad.
"
"through the night, while the stars are a-glistening,
you'll find me and the wife baby listening,
to make sure that he's breathing,
or hear if he's teething,
or know that he hasn't gone missining.
"
"our action group once had adventures;
we got our teeth into our censures.
we trashed uncle sam,
and the war in viet nam,
but now we're just gnashing our dentures.
"
"""my hubby, king alboin's dead!""
 the angry queen rosamund said,
""since he murdered my pop,
he was up for the chop ?
now my sheets are all soggy and red.""
"
"in the bed of yon tropical sea,
a league-n'-a-half deep, there be
a prodigious trough, wench:
it be called cayman trench,
where old davy lies waitin' for me.
"
"in yiddish your grandma's your bubbe,
and zaydie's the word for her hubby.
she gives you her lovin'
with sweets from her oven
that make you grow up rather tubby.
"
"in many a web site location
you'll find what they call ad rotation,
flashing: ""cruise on our ships!""
and then: ""lose those big hips!""
it's bad for a man's concentration.
"
"peter's chilies and romance were bland,
so his girlfriend began to demand
that he turn up the heat.
with capsaicin, pete
became quite a bit hotter than planned!
"
"some experts are now saying that
they have found noah's ark, and it's at
a site in iran.
well, claim it they can,
but, frankly, i smell ararat.
"
"theda bara was known as ""the vamp,""
which was silent-screen lingo for ""tramp.""
she leered and she wriggled,
she shook and she jiggled,
till cinema seats were quite damp.
"
"a dignified man, the catholicos.
you won't find him riding a rolicos-
ter, bumper car, swing,
or any such thing;
his mind is above, with the holicos.
"
"beasts like bison and deer form a clade ?
a unique common ancestor made
both distinct from the cat
(though i'm not certain that
we could find it without a big spade).
"
"colonel peregrine falcon colquhoun
became stationed for years in rangoon.
he recruited the phelpses
to help train the elpses
he needed to conquer the moon.
"
"if you're walking alone on the strand,
and a clam clan sweats salt on the sand,
would you claim they're a clammily
oozing clam family,
or, tempted, stretch down a damp hand?
"
"my bunny has bad cacidrosis ?
a result of her great adiposis.
it's hard to inhabit
a house with that rabbit;
thank goodness for myxomatosis.
"
"the lady of buckingham palace
fell in love with a cowboy called alice,
who thought it obscene
to be loved by the queen
and ran back to his boyfriend in dallas.
"
"teww xliwi hixempw sj vywwme'w hijirgi
xs xli qer amxl xli lex, xlvii hecw lirgi.
give each letter a score,
and then take away four ?
it'll make cryptographical sense.
"
"when he'd killed the last cat found in britain,
kenny's karma caught up, so it's written.
he'd have paid a fair packet
to have a cork jacket,
but he didn't, and drowned like a kitten.
"
"when rapid-erect and kwik-lay
signed a deal to build towers from clay,
rapid stated, ""this active
partner's attractive ?
we get them up quicker each day!""
"
"i've got something to show you, my dear.
it's the thing we removed from your ear.
it's a cochlear nerve,
which you'll no doubt observe
was important ? you'll no longer hear!
"
"we've tried telling young thomas colquhoon
he abides on the banks of the doon,
but he's so chuckleheaded
that (just as we dreaded)
he's sure that he lives on the moon.
"
"your loving restricts and restrains.
i feel like i'm bound up in chains.
you call me your 'wabbit',
and though we cohabit,
cohibit's the word that pertains.
"
"if a catfish were hooked on a gaff,
he might very well draw a giraffe.
though it wouldn't help much
with the error, as such,
just the thought of a neck makes him laugh.
"
"thirsty wine connoisseur pap colquhoun
paid additional markon last june ?
global temperature rise
led to dwindling supplies,
and merlot cost as much as the moon.
"
"cyclohexanol phthalate most oft
renders plastics more pliant and soft.
grab your c6h12s
off the medicine shelves
and add esters (note: odors will waft).
"
"so jay loses daisy, that flapper,
when she can't reach the switch from the crapper.
on the loo, in the dark,
daisy loses the spark.
gatsby should've just gotten 'the clapper.'
"
"i once had a co-worker, wallace,
who claimed he'd once met juan gonzalez.
but he then told my boss
he'd invented mint floss,
so we took his tales cum grano salis.
"
"direct objects are rarely robust;
a constituent phrase lends them thrust:
""screwed the taxpayer""? no!
say the mayor just, oh...
""broke the bonds of constituent trust.""
"
"the tree is uprooted not far
from the gulch (it was hit by my car).
so i give one more tap,
and it bridges the gap,
and i stumble on home from the bar.
"
"if the priest rubs his hands and then nods,
when you're fighting against all the odds,
there is still some hope yet,
i am willing to bet,
if you slaughter a goat for the gods.
"
"the mouse strain that's known as agouti
is yellow and fat ? quite a cutie.
the short explanation:
it's got a mutation,
resulting in rubenesque beauty.
"
"if a biscuit that cracks is a cracker,
and a duck that goes ""quack!"" is a quacker,
if it doesn't go ""crack!"",
cackle, quiver or quack,
but instead just goes ""clack"" ? it's a clacker.
"
"when i buy sugar, pasta or rices,
the shopkeeper's standard advice is,
""just buy one, get one free"" ?
it seems suspect to me;
why doesn't she just halve her prices?
"
"letitia was not a colquhoun
but was nevertheless a buffoon ?
with inflatable rings
she constructed some wings
and declared she could fly to the moon.
"
"""biotherapy,"" doctors would preach,
""treats diseases no other can reach ?
whether measles or scabies,
mumps, cancer or rabies,
there's none can't be cured by a leech!""
"
"take an eyepatch, a sword, a cigar,
and now swagger and practice your ""yarr.""
be cutthroat, but lusty
(it helps to be busty):
you're a hollyw-...well, movie star!
"
"the terrorists forced us to war
(or did lawmakers plan it before?).
but isn't it funny?
if you give them more money,
the constituents don't get too sore.
"
"as caesar's new home neared completion,
the contractor found a  deletion:
""there's no place here to poo!""
he called out, ""where's the loo?
i should never have hired a phoenician!""
"
"in france, they consider none greater
than bonaparte (once their dictator).
the british, for sport,
tried to claim he was short,
and they called him ""the great compensator.""
"
"here's seven, now you play an eight:
you get fifteen for two, and that's great?
unless i throw a nine,
which makes three in a line
for three points: cribbage counting, a straight.
"
"the waterboard's said to be worst,
but some captives still can't be coerced.
for them, a black diet
makes it hard to keep quiet.
there's just nothing like hunger and thirst....
"
"a capital ballpark? tsk, tsk?
we're kind of a huge credit risk.
it's as likely to earn
back a decent return
as the three-point-five-inch floppy disk.
"
"in the cruiserweight class (that's my weight)
i would box, but i'd never be great:
with a biff and a bop,
my poor shoulders would pop;
i'd go down and be home before eight.
"
"at the biker bar saturday night,
i thought i was being polite:
""all this leather displayed
is just so darned clich?d!""
though i'm dead, i maintain i was right.
"
"under the moon we embrace,
and promptly begin sucking face;
almost get to third base,
but the neighbors give chase!
guess that cul de sac wasn't the place...
"
"this tissue just under the belt,
when caressed, causes women to melt:
the crus of clitoris,
like a kick from chuck norris,
can't be seen, but, oh boy, is it felt!
"
"with my fingerprints melted by lime,
i believed i'd be clear of the crime,
but the print guy's no burro ?
my digital furrow
left prints that i blame for my time.
"
"my captor's sole aim's to debase.
i'm an animal? he's a disgrace!
after taking a piss,
i yelled, ""creaturize this!"",
as the bucket shot right for his face.
"
"my odes are beginning to irk,
and my ballads have sent me berserk.
though i've sat here for hours
setting verse to the flowers,
no sonnets to bluebonnets work.
"
"garibaldi jumped out the plane last,
while his wife on the ground stared, aghast.
as his friends all slowed down,
he deduced, with a frown,
""i'm descending a little too fast.""
"
"i'm the best in the business, no slouch
when it comes to relaxing, i vouch.
so to say i'm all action
is simply detraction ?
i'll proudly spend days on my couch.
"
"with guitar, at the crossroads he stood,
and the stories of fame sounded good.
seeing johnson beguiled,
his devilship smiled,
""just sign, at the bottom, in blood.""
"
"in the haight you will find a caf?
where juha found work for a day.
although he was finnish,
he'd used cuban spinach,
while the hippies were hitting the hay.
"
"""to compare,"" argued rob with stavisky,
""your russia with scotland is risky.
to measure a nation,
let's rate distillation:
your vodka could never beat whisky.""
"
"with my oils, on the canvas i frolic,
painting tableaux disturbed and symbolic.
bedecking his horns
in stigmata and thorns,
my messiah's a touch diabolic.
"
"peta hears that you ate some poor bird,
and armisonous rumblings are heard.
but what of the pain
of a mangled romaine?
why are animals always preferred?
"
"those ten dozen holes (less or more)
on a cribbage board tell the whole score;
try to make it 'round quick,
but for vet'rans, the trick
is recounting the best cribbage lore.
"
"for food (i.e. color or taste),
this adjective's useful, though chaste.
but if strong, smooth, and dreamy,
then a lover most creamy
turns the heart, guts, and brain all to paste.
"
"most grizzlies will normally forage,
but somehow these bears had made porridge.
the biggest disgrace
of the goldilocks case?
they had stolen the oats from bulk storage.
"
"she's a crapehanger, everyone said.
doom and gloom are her butter and bread.
if you wake feeling great,
her response: ""just you wait ?
now you're happy, but soon you'll be dead!""
"
"our dog was the randiest yet.
really smart, but quite deaf, i would bet.
he awoke, shocked and neutered:
""thought you said i'd be tutored!
who's my castrator?""  ""our local vet!""
"
"milk in coffee yields caf? au lait
when prepared a particular way:
scald the milk so it's hot,
equal joe from the pot.
in new orleans, serve with a beignet.
"
"we sold our big house in montana
and bought a small tent in havana.
now we live on the beach,
all our needs within reach.
heaven's naught but a seaside cabana!
"
"when you're not feeling quite up to par,
and you've woken too early, by far,
what you need is caffeine!
skip the milk, keep it lean,
and head straight for a large caf? noir!
"
"as a morpheme, the letters ""-e-d""
have a difference you'll hear but won't see.
hunted, fixed, and esteemed
are linguistically deemed
allomorphic, in past tense, all three!
"
"""9w, dummkopf!"" said he.
'twas the maestro's curt answer to me.
to my question refer:
""mr. wagner, good sir,
does your last name begin with a v?""
"
"agonistic discussions delight
in the tension, the struggle, the fight
between two opposed factions
of thoughts, words, or actions.
they aim both to teach and incite.
"
"""b flat or c sharp, that was which?""
i knew not, though i'd absolute pitch.
she had sung but one note,
now she said with a gloat,
""that's an absolute pitch with a glitch!""
"
"acadian french can be heard
on prince edward island.  the word
from new brunswick, the same.
nova scotia?  they're game!
there are homes where these words are preferred!
"
"""oh the horror agglutinogenic!""
scream the germs with awareness quite splenic.
though these bugs be forlorn,
wondrous cell clumps are born:
antibodies that find it edenic!
"
"if you like, you can call it a cult,
but just think of the final result:
by our oedilf bestowed,
in a limerick mode,
our language!  see ""poems?adult.""
"
"father boniface, i've no apology
for my 'actions untoward' in christology:
i'm a heathen, it's true!
i know not what i do!
was it so wrong to call it mythology?
"
"unlike visceral, there's no instantaneous
death with the form called 'cutaneous'
leishmaniasis...mostly,
those lesions (red, ghostly)
come and go on their own?they're spontaneous.
"
"can i teach you seduction? oh honey,
my curriculum helps, but it's funny?
you can read all my books,
you can work on your looks,
but what matters most often?  your money.
"
"says jehovah, ""this crossbeam's appearing
to buckle; it's poor engineering.
try a big one of larch?
better yet, build an arch.""
now, noah's a bit hard of hearing...
"
"lacking implants to augment their boobs,
this one doc thought his patients such rubes
that, unfazed, he would slice,
and throw in fuzzy dice?
now they're cubical (shaped just like cubes)!
"
"um, sir, in acoustics they call
this a shadow, where sound levels fall.
it has nothing to do,
though, with light waves, so you
will still have to wear pants in this mall.
"
"john suckling invented a game
with a board, a ridiculous name,
and a lingo so queer:
that's cribbage. oh dear!
though you've skunked me, i love you the same.
"
"the color guard starts off the game
in a manner unbearably tame?
fans of sports do not long
for a jingoist song,
and the boy scouts are totally lame.
"
"the contrafagotto: its tune
is an octave beneath the bassoon.
it's distinctly renowned
for its boisterous sound?
like a fart on a hot afternoon.
"
"all your problems gone, plus you've a tan!
it's $3.50, just don't tell iran!
they would use it to slay us,
that pre-packaged deus
ex machina, now in a can!
"
"some actresses think they look old
when their crow's feet begin to take hold.
the docs see their eyes, 'n'
if they're enterprisin',
then soon some breast implants are sold.
"
"i saw two striped calliophis snakes,
and i caught one?the worst of mistakes!
it was small, and so shy,
but its bite made me cry
'cause i knew i would die in two shakes.
"
"at the post-premiere wall-e soiree,
pixar served up its victory buffet:
peking 'donald' (quite tricky),
java mouse ('viet-mickey'),
and 'piglet' (a cochon de lait).
"
"""they look luscious, but don't you partake!
their curvature's too good; they're fake.""
""have you tasted those melons?""
""they're better than helen's...
but i'm a banana man, jake.""
"
"i'm a salesman, a pretty slick man?
if some sap wants to buy an old van,
i cut in.  he may mind,
but he'll end up behind
the wheel of a lavish sedan.
"
"you hear 'bout my war buddy sean?
the army worms come, and he's gone.
oh, but not to iraq?
to the tool shed out back!
they're just larvae that prey on his lawn.
"
"isaac newton's less famous frustration:
his disastrous alchemic vocation.
though now gold comes from lead
in reactors instead,
the man still could've tried cupellation.
"
"my band is called slurpee disgrace;
we have groupies, but we wear the lace.
and 'tis i keeping time,
for there's no doubt that i'm
a guitarist of bass, and i'm base.
"
"read my thesis! how can i contrive
to keep interest in bass tone alive?
don't you folks need to know
where the sound waves all go?
please! it's call number m9.5!
"
"have the egg proteins strangled your custard?
(of your baking woes, friend, i have just heard.)
cooked too quickly, i'd say:
looks like fine curds and whey.
should have cooled it before you got flustered!
"
"outside of a dog (any breed),
man's best friend is a book, guaranteed.
yet i think that you'll find
that, like groucho opined,
inside rover, it's too dark to read!
"
"though around webster lake you may jog,
stick to your side when fishing.  don't hog!
stay off ours, and don't fish
in the middle.  whose wish?
why, the nipmucks who named it chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg!
"
"there's a lot who are writing a lot ""alot.""
but the proper construction is not ""alot.""
please shun the persistent,
the wrongly insistent,
who allot a lot this form: ""alot,"" a lot.
"
"the agaricales are 'shrooms.
around them, a grave danger looms.
they are known for their gills;
eat the wrong kind, it kills,
and your trips might just end in your tombs.
"
"adie's pupil: when one pupil's bigger.
no one knows, positively, the trigger.
won't constrict in the light,
doesn't matter how bright.
opthalmologists just say, ""go figger...""
"
"for that scotsman, there's gonna be trouble
when those hags get that cauldron to bubble.
toad and bat, frog and snake
will soon boil and bake...
then his toil and trouble will double!
"
"an accordion insert's a tad
obtrusive: a newspaper ad
on a folded up sheet,
loosely placed, not so neat,
that falls out on the lap of your dad.
"
"john cage, the composer renowned
for his usage of ambient sound,
performed one piece he wrote
which had nary a note.
in his silence was music profound!
"
"when the pollen count's high in the breeze,
and you know that you'll soon start to sneeze,
lose that droop in your mug!
give your druggist a hug,
and say, ""give me acrivastine, please!""
"
"while dissecting a frog, bro said, ""whoa, sis!
intestines, i swear, are the grossest!""
""tut tut, bro, you've issues!
but are there nerve tissues,
or has he aganglionosis?""
"
"the new boss had better avoid
ad hocism.  makes us annoyed...
we don't like the quick fix
for convenience.  nix, nix!
the last guy did.  he's unemployed.
"
"your honest responses will lead
this committee in word and in deed.
we have no use for posers
nor sneaky brown-nosers.
your candor is just what we need!
"
"son, your wheedling's taking its toll!
i warn you, the more you cajole,
the more chance that you'll see
not a thing 'neath the tree
and a sock with a big chunk of coal!
"
"""to you, dear, my soul i've just bared
and my innermost feelings i've shared.""
""oh, sweet heaven above,
now you've shown me your love...
and i'd wondered, 'til now, if you cared!""
"
"would you please heed the words that i'm jottin':
""we like spuds, crumbs, and cheese in au gratin!""
once before, you used beans,
and they called the marines.
it was wicked hard fightin' through fartin'!
"
"my limerick has me distraught.
line four's where i start to get caught
in a paradox vile:
line five is true, while
line four, above-mentioned, is not.
"
"since curbing your canine's been writ
into law, fully passed and legit,
dog walkers, those troopers,
have used pooper-scoopers.
the results are quite stunning!  no fooling!
"
"though you once were a wonderful melon,
sweet and yummy beyond any tellin',
now no beauty i find
in your rough, rotting rind.
sorry, cantaloupe!  (also, you're smellin'...)
"
"our airplane's last engine is stalling.
from the sky, we are rapidly falling!
yet, the look on your face
is of bliss, peace, and grace...
you've a calmness i find quite appalling!
"
"the philosopher jean baudrillard
caught his structural critics off guard
when he said, ""see your nation
as a huge simulation,""
which at disney world's not very hard.
"
"the french marxist louis althusser
(a philosopher extraordinaire)
said that interpellations
form subjects and nations
when a culture calls out ""hey, you there!""
"
"well, br'er fox and br'er bear, i'm your catch!
yes, my life's in your hands to dispatch...
thorns are worst, in my view,
so, whatever you do,
keep me far from that briar-filled patch!
"
"deconstruction: you juxtapose poles ?
hegemonic and subaltern roles.
then you privilege the lesser,
make the middle the stresser,
joining equal, yet opposite, goals.
"
"who's an undersea pineapple dweller?
absorbent and porous and yeller?
nauty nonsense?  there's fair chance
you've found spongebob squarepants
and his pink buddy patrick, who's stellar!
"
"our neighborhood dash hound's quite flighty.
he's a short-legged dog, long and bitey.
while he lugs it around,
scores of puppies abound.
as a wiener, he's earned the name mighty!
"
"when you're telling some guy to go hang it
and want a real strong way to slang it,
but wish to sound clean,
not profane nor obscene,
just admonish the dude, ""hang it, dang it!""
"
"if one means ""also known as,"" one may
simply choose the first letters to say.
but when reading directly,
pronounce it correctly:
never ""acka"" ? instead, ""ay-kay-ay.""
"
"baked beans make a dish that's real hearty.
when preparing it, please be a smarty.
up to two thirty-nine
for your bean count is fine,
but one more, and the meal gets too farty.
"
"tossing ninety-nine heads sure is nifty.
but gamblers beware: coins are shifty.
the dime, when next tossed,
may turn tails at great cost,
'cause the chance still remains fifty-fifty!
"
"bicameral moots are quite fun.
the crown meets two chambers, not one:
the lower, of mobs,
the upper, of snobs,
and neither in graft is outdone.
"
"if you're thinking of drinking some rye,
you should give blended whiskey a try.
you'll sing hip hip hooray
for this crafted cuv?e,
and it costs less to make and to buy.
"
"a blue chip, an equity stake,
is the best kind of bet you can make,
with a name known and trusted,
a purse gold-encrusted,
and dividends, part of the take.
"
"we've arrived at the doom that we dreaded.
and now into bloodshed we're headed!
the violent clashes
and skin-metal crashes
are all for a tank of unleaded!
"
"making heaven and earth in beginning,
god created the world, the while grinning.
he made beasties and plants,
and he gave all a glance,
and then rested to wait for the sinning.
"
"i blacken some chicken for lunch,
and, soon as it's done, i go munch.
but, much to my shame,
the skillet's aflame,
and blackens the kitchen a bunch.
"
"if your blood pressure meter is vaulting,
there's a risk of your arteries faulting.
on the road to prevention
of much hypertension:
stop frying, and smoking, and salting.
"
"""what's a bit?"" asked the curious tot.
""it's a datum,"" the geek said in thought.
""then again, it's not quite;
it's one-eighth of a byte...""
cried the youth, ""either 'tis or 'tis not!""
"
"i must take a dish to the revel!
so why can't i keep this pot level?
the shells are all hissing!
my paprika's missing!
what bother! these eggs do bedevil!
"
"peripherals we can enable
demand bidirectional cable.
they duplex the bytes
for reads and for writes,
and tangle in back of the table.
"
"the black rod in garb is a shocker.
he stores that black stick in his locker.
he patrols at the haunts
of the great mal y pense,
and he's parliament's resident knocker.
"
"a bleeding heart liberal feels guilt
for people who suffer and wilt.
but, using your tax,
they start to relax
and hope that some lives are rebuilt.
"
"good designers, on laser or vid,
anti-alias lines on a grid.
run a digital smear
and the jags disappear;
with this lie, ugly truth can be hid.
"
"in 1919, i bought raiment;
a bill of exchange was my payment.
it read, ""note to my banks:
pay the tailor ten francs,
and please do so with little delayment.""
"
"from betelgeuse, brandish, orion!
from bellatrix, pelt of a lion!
his shoulders, stars streaming,
or (otherwise dreaming)
his draw, and a bow to let fly on.
"
"my wife, bargain hunter, pursues
her quarry by tracking the clues:
flocks of flyers take flight;
discount posters invite
her to flush out boutiques full of shoes!
"
"drug tampering gives us a chill
by tainting the cure in a pill.
a bumped blister pack,
with foil on the back,
protects us from that sort of ill.
"
"when you turn up the volume to blare,
it's so loud that my patience will wear.
but my uppermost fear's
for the health of your ears,
so i'll box them, to show that i care.
"
"a bearer bond carries no name,
so it's money, or nearly the same.
they make governments frown
(g-men can't track them down),
but they're rare outside cinema fame.
"
"handy autocomplete saves your wrist.
type some letters to give it the gist.
then hit tab to obtain
matching words: system's brain
searches path, or a similar list.
"
"in the bold age of factory strain,
we poured goop on the ground as a drain.
now the brownfields just languish
while barristers anguish,
with cleanup assigned to the rain.
"
"a banker's acceptance, a debt,
is a guaranteed profit, you bet.
if the debtor defaults,
then the bank and its vaults
make it good (so let george bailey fret!).
"
"a backslash, a virgule in mirror,
is ""escape"", and helps unix be clearer.
but thanks to bill gates,
it frustrates our pates:
in pathnames it looks all the queerer.
"
"i've embarked on a job in t.v.,
but need glasses, not contacts, to see.
my lenses corrective
are antireflective
so viewers see through them to me.
"
"my wife's biological clock
is ringing to wake dr. spock!
so, now that we've lunched,
time to get my card punched,
and start work at producing a flock.
"
"the spiked bird-of-paradise bloom
draws eyes from all over the room.
with its bright-hued display,
strelitzia's spray
resembles a tropic-bird's plume.
"
"he lets his face grow all bewhiskered,
'cause it helps when he's north of new liskeard.
when men's whiskers grow,
they keep out the snow.
without them, they'd feel rather brisk-er'd.
"
"seems this auction sale lacks popularity.
""who'll give twenty-five cents for this rarity?""
though the lot's not that nice,
i will bid up the price
'cause the proceeds are going to charity.
"
"the biotech age will transform
our lives and our earth like a storm.
the plants with new features
and customized creatures
are, patented, made in our form.
"
"bilingualism's the aim
to treat two different argots the same.
though it makes smarter folks,
as a law, it provokes
more than double the volume of blame.
"
"the finest achievement of man
is candy, in bag, box or can.
it's food just for joy,
a flavourful toy,
and dentists' retirement plan.
"
"to sell plumbing contraptions for gain,
use a big advertising campaign.
call your clients to act,
using story and fact,
or your business will go down the drain.
"
"the beautiful people all scoff
at my britches and cowlicky coif.
they have very full lives,
trophy husbands and wives,
but i don't, 'cause i fart when i cough.
"
"the carillon features the bells
whence heavenly harmony swells.
and for once you can hope
i'm not pulling your rope:
it's a keyboard that calls for the knells.
"
"the flowers are blooming in may.
but so does leaf mould, in its way.
and a tanker truck leaks;
that spill blooms in the creeks.
it's bloomin' depressing, i'd say.
"
"a below-the-belt shot isn't right.
that's the wrong way to win in a fight.
it's a strike at the jewels
in word or deed duels.
it doesn't take balls, but it might.
"
"outside, in a bush, there's a birdie.
at night, when i sleep, he gets wordy.
i'll catch him to thank him,
and bolt on a crank-him,
and fashion a new hurdy-gurdy.
"
"block and tackle's a magic device
that can multiply force, at a price.
so pull rope like you're manic:
advantage mechanic
moves mountains, but not in a trice.
"
"the broadcasting channels diffuse
documentary, drama and news.
but provocative gags,
wherein broads cast their rags,
garner bad governmental reviews.
"
"a behind-the-scenes view: look at me
torture words anapestically.
as i struggle for rhyme
on the company's time,
i am torn into shreds by a we.
"
"her almond-shaped eyes are light blue;
her skin has a fine almond hue.
she sheds her stiletto,
then sips amaretto,
and samples some simnel cake too.
"
"the knowledge of flight electronics
is frequently called avionics.
if your piloting tools
require ""instrument rules,""
then a failure could cause histrionics.
"
"by the house, the small garden was dry;
most plants would just wither and fry.
but my arctotis daisy
soon blossomed like crazy.
do you want any cuttings to try?
"
"algol's programming concepts, we've heard,
made the processes clearer, not blurred.
though this language has gone,
its effects linger on.
can we blame it for microsoft word?
"
"aquilegia (or columbine) greet
the folk by my garden's old seat.
my grandmother's bonnets
are worthy of sonnets.
the colour and forms are a treat.
"
"though you use antivirus tools, dear,
new viruses often appear.
keep the data updated?
check the date it's created
and download with minimal fear.
"
"i required an appraisal to sell
my grandfather's old brazen bell.
the appraiser came round
and said, ""not worth a pound
with that obvious bronze-coated shell.""
"
"if you travel and don't want to blunder,
why not visit some islands down under?
see australia's red soil,
watch the kiwi mud boil.
australasia's a region of wonder!
"
"she's shed half her weight (no dessert),
but has folds of loose flesh to convert.
an apron of skin
reaches close to her shin,
so she ties it around like a skirt.
"
"the anzac's a sweet biscuit treat,
and i'll bake some for people to eat.
it takes less than an hour.
mix  syrup and flour
and oats with some coconut meat.
"
"the next batsman was in and walked out,
because that's what the game's all about.
then he faced the first ball
and i saw the stumps fall.
he was out, waddled in. score was nowt.
"
"some time in the summer we'll snatch
a fortnight or two at the bach.
we'll swim, and we'll wish
we could catch lots more fish.
we'll not care that the plates don't all match.
"
"it's basically built for beginners;
all-purpose ? suits saints and suits sinners;
symbolic instruction
describes the construction.
teach basic to budding code-spinners.
"
"see jack-in-the-pulpit's spathe blade
where it's damp with some trees to give shade.
arisaema's odd bloom
has the aura of gloom
that appeals to a goth with a glade.
"
"i told you of goths with their glades,
who like blooms in peculiar dark shades.
if you say, ""sounds like me!"",
there's an arum to see:
it's a calla that's blacker than spades.
"
"there are some who think afghans are rugs,
or people whose cash crop is drugs.
i think biscuits for lunch,
cocoa-flavoured with crunch;
top with walnut. serve coffee in mugs.
"
"an anglican vicar you'll see
in a parish that's termed ""c of e.""
he may have a wife
to assist with the strife
and invite you to afternoon tea.
"
"some australians' poor forebears, in need,
might have stolen some bread for a feed.
if a judge were to say,
""off to botany bay,""
transportation was what was decreed.
"
"an agate's no gateway, you see,
but a gemstone with markings quite free.
made of quartz, it's diverse,
it's not hard on the purse,
and it's said to quell tempests at sea.
"
"the arachnid who lives in my john
is a redback; i wish she'd move on!
when i go in the dark
she may well leave her mark.
if she bites my behind i'll be gone.
"
"aiding, abetting and such
won't land you in trouble that much ?
unless you excel in
assisting a felon.
then justice will tighten her clutch.
"
"when i tell you that something is baneful,
understand that it's more than just painful.
it can scar, maim or kill.
and believe me, it will ?
you'll avoid it, my friend, if you're brainful.
"
"amicableness, as a virtue,
means for friendship you'll let someone hurt you
to avoid a big fight,
but it might do you right
to turn tail when your senses alert you.
"
"that guy's got a whole lot of pals,
but you'll notice there aren't any gals.
androphilic is he.
he likes ""he"" over ""she"" ?
a sexist with no rationales.
"
"the british, the russians, the yanks ?
'gainst the germans they rallied their tanks.
world war i, world war ii,
and we hope that will do:
we've had more than enough world wars, thanks.
"
"when adducing some info to prove
what you claim, it will always behoove
you to recheck your facts
and ensure that your acts
will all doubts and misgivings remove.
"
"the accompanable woman said, ""hey,
if you'd like, we can party all day.
i can be your new pal ?
i'm a sociable gal!
for me, life's no work and all play.""
"
"the hard-liner said, with a frown,
""accommodationists ought to sit down.
you stand in the way
of us ousting ? today! ?
non-believers who live in our town.""
"
"aphrodisiacs get things on track.
they are substances boasting the knack
for ensuring she's randy,
which could come in handy
if your sex appeal lack holds you back.
"
"that functions have args it is clear,
and the args yield results that cohere.
but bugs that have smitten
the code you have written
give rise to behavior most queer.
"
"a limerick must have its beats:
its apt anapestic repeats.
so a limericist who
has no rhythm is due
for efforts that meet with defeats.
"
"a perfect rhyme ? no.  maybe sort of?
don't tell me this limerick's abortive.
i pray you not, please,
chop me off at the knees:
a conclusion i'd like to fall short of.
"
"when brilliance in art is effected,
bimanual praise is expected.
unless you're zen buddhist
or timidly nudist,
one-handed approval's rejected.
"
"cognominal nightmares occur
when your last name sounds just like a slur.
names like lipschitz and cox
spawn bad jokes in huge flocks
and the bullies will kill you for sure.
"
"the larvae of book moths: a curse
upon volumes of prose and of verse.
for many's the time
i've stopped short in mid-rhyme
'cause the rest has been eaten or worse.
"
"beta testers are brave souls at best
when they download and test with great zest
all the programs (resist 'em!)
that melt down their system:
a fact to which i can attest.
"
"a benefits package, my friend,
doesn't get you free docs without end.
but it helps when you're sick
(gets you cheaper drugs quick)
so your savings don't take years to mend.
"
"a language of contact first stirs
when my language hits yours and then slurs.
tailor-made to build talkin'
from foreigners' squawkin',
a pidgin is what then occurs.
"
"a banana boat floats fruit away
or puts campfire skills on display.
roasting marshmallow, fruit,
and then chocolate to boot
makes a feast for a girl scout soiree!
"
"the anecdote  livens a meal.
tell it well and you'll be quite genteel.
but don't tell one off-color
or someone much duller
might glare and cry out, ""you schlemiel!""
"
"a dandelion tuft is fine sport.
all it takes is a breath (not a snort)
and the coronule's fluff
will go poof, sure enough,
and sow seeds up, across, and athwart.
"
"with beef stock it's hard to go wrong:
stew some cow bones on low all day long.
but the cook's biggest vice is
to add extra spices
till everyone says, ""that's too strong!""
"
"young children, they say, are a blessing:
smiling faces a joy past expressing.
well, the faces are sweet,
but those pitter-pat feet
are determined to keep mommy guessing.
"
"""days of our lives"" sealed my fate:
panicked gasping and racing heart rate.
though the story enthralled
me, alas, i recalled
my amnesiphobia too late.
"
"not all fat reduction is neat,
for when collagen starts to deplete
under some people's skins,
acrogeria begins
and leaves wrinkles on hands and on feet.
"
"are you getting a case of the gout?
well, there's something you can't do without.
allopurinol, friend,
can lead to the end
of a hyperuricemia bout.
"
"in this world, if you hope to get by,
you'll find that it's best to ally
with folks in high places
and those whose good graces
exist in abundant supply.
"
"achievance ? an old way to say
what you have accomplished today ?
to more modern ears
as achievement appears,
but you should be proud either way.
"
"when giving a public address,
don't get yourself bogged down in stress.
just speak with precision
and try to envision
the crowd in a state of undress.
"
"when contention leads forces to battling
and their anger has enemies rattling
their sabers, it's wise
in the pacifist's eyes
to turn tail, 'less equipped with a gatling.
"
"new hikers start singing the blues
when they learn this ironic bad news:
as upward you climb,
though the views turn sublime,
altitudinal sickness ensues.
"
"when race meets with race meets with race
acculturative change may take place.
just don't sacrifice culture
to the melting pot's vulture.
the world would be dull in that case.
"
"accumulatively they'll birth
enough rabbits to fill the whole earth.
you start with just two,
and in no time, why, you
will have gotten your full bunnies' worth.
"
"five card draw was a tempting new game,
but my opening bet was a shame.
""ante up,"" dealer sighed.
""all my chips!"" i replied,
the casino's new favorite dame.
"
"it's a party for parvenus who
view an ingenue's special debut.
catered food by pierre
makes a ""classy"" affair,
avec caviar, wine, and fondue.
"
"here's a man in a boat on a lake.
he is napping, asleep, not awake,
so oblivious, he
drifts away anchor free.
seems his dreaming's a floating mistake.
"
"the man who has much ready cash
may well find, if his spending is rash,
that his assets downturn,
and that money to burn
can result in a cold pile of ash.
"
"to the calf the new fence seemed quite strange:
twisted strands between posts.  what a change!
sharpened wires set to prick
cut his nose to the quick.
the barbed wire made him moan on the range.
"
"extra accented rhythms in hand,
he plays rock in an awesome new band.
he gets all of his kicks
from his drumsticks' hot licks,
and his backbeat's the best in the land.
"
"there's a poet, a bard known to preen,
who writes epics both long and obscene,
but oedilf and he sparred,
his raw limericks barred.
he's locked out 'til his language is clean.
"
"with his financing out of control,
having mortgaged both body and soul,
ed turned to the mob
to bankroll the job.
their investment's his ace in the hole.
"
"a small starlike symbol we use
identifies dubious views.
an asterisk (*) there
means ""reader, beware:
see note for enlightening clues.""
"
"in correct attribution of quotes,
one must cite from meticulous notes.
when credit is due,
a footnote says who
created the blurb it promotes.
"
"a young brit broke the law; he was bad,
but more studies remained for the lad.
so they shipped him away
to approved school, to stay
until he quit being a cad.
"
"while others broke records with rhodium,
he supercooled atoms of sodium.
adherent and phased,
they coherently lased
and secured him a place on the podium.
"
"for electrons, a charge conjugation
is not some routine transformation:
a positron life
means a kiss to the wife
is a quick route to self-immolation.
"
"do your new denim jeans leave you cold?
way too blue? nearly too stiff to fold?
acid washed when they're made,
will both soften and fade;
now your new jeans can look just like old!
"
"abaft the beam: nautical phrase
from the long ago wooden ship days;
a phrase you might spy in
some work by o'brian,
""to the rear,"" is the thought it conveys.
"
"the gang shootout was going on strong,
when a bystander happened along;
the poor guy wound up dead,
a stray shot through the head.
both the place and the time were dead wrong.
"
"are you people who like this insane?
it's a cabbage that looks like a brain!
while it lies in my power,
i'll shun cauliflower
with distrust, plus disgust and disdain!
"
"the cockroach you stomp in your loo
was stomped on by dinosaurs too.
now the dinosaur's gone,
but the roach scurries on ?
to be stomped on, when we're gone, by who?
"
"an author of both prose and rhyme,
bunyan's works will endure for all time.
his steadfastness we laud,
for he preached faith in god,
although jailed for this virtuous crime.
"
" anchises, aeneas's dad,
rashly bragged of the good time he had,
""my lovin's so mighty,
it hooked aphrodite!""
but got mangled when this made zeus mad.
"
"anti-humanist myth is the creed
of the young earth creationist's screed:
the fossils?ignored;
facts and reason?abhorred!
the bible is all that he'll read.
"
"richard byrd, that adventurous soul,
flew over the north and south pole.
those flights made his name,
they're his main claim to fame.
on the moon, his name graces a hole.
"
"i see many around i abide
but then others are blatantly snide.
they may ask of my health
but i think they mean wealth.
at mere glimpses of some, i must hide.
"
"as a very close friend dared to tell,
you have one major problem: you smell.
the only solution?
a course of ablution.
get thee washed! (and your clothing as well!)
"
"at the races you fancied a filly;
you put down your bet willy-nilly.
you thought you'd the knack,
choosing horses to back,
though the tipster knew well you were silly.
"
"when she sings that melodious tune,
quavers, crotchets and rests nicely strewn,
arioso's the term
all the maestros confirm
on declaring the work as well hewn.
"
"not a shipwright by trade, in the dark,
noah tried very hard at a barque.
what with yards, sails, and such,
three tall masts proved too much
so he had to make do with an ark.
"
"is defining this suffix just doable?
it's safer than one which is sueable.
it's clear, if i can,
i'm a cleverer man
than the bloke who is too not-a-clueable.
"
"there's a mollusc they call abalone
whose merits are clearly not phoney.
cook lightly in oil;
there's no need to boil.
its detractors are full of baloney.
"
"fundamentalists shun abu dhabi;
it's islamic, but modern; they're snobby.
a fatwa decree
would be met with some glee
by the mob from the lobby wahhabi.
"
"agar-agar's in vegan dessert,
and for thickening food so it's pert.
make a soy cr?me br?l?e
to make guests say ""hooray!""
though it's algae, they still might convert.
"
"""whatever you say,"" she defers,
although under her breath come the slurs.
with words filled with spite ?
a backbite, a slight ?
her murmurs are soft saboteurs.
"
"why'd allanite cause such delirium?
this silicate's loaded with cerium.
although most attractive,
it's radioactive.
a gift for your grandmama miriam?
"
"""that's a grand allamanda, amanda.
it looks well on your sunny verandah.
such a beauty to view,
but it's poison! please do
keep an eye on miranda the panda.""
"
"in the bible, when music is heard,
there occurs an ambiguous word:
some say virgins is it,
others maidens will fit,
but soprano's the term i've preferred.
"
"on adnexa the word books play tricks.
it's ""subordinate body parts""? nix!
what's subordinate, then?
from the viewpoint of men
it means all parts except for their pr...ivates.
"
"my knowledge of meter was poor.
the suggestions you made i adore.
my works did improve;
you've given them groove.
i propose to compose even more.
"
"if fortunes should suddenly stagnate,
it helps if your father's a magnate;
or else his, i suppose,
if inheritance flows
from a kinsman paternal, an agnate.
"
"an issue complex is abortion;
it's divisive...that's not a distortion.
it's pregnancy's end,
and let's not pretend ?
it's a subject that many and more shun.
"
"""you ask me about alcibiades?
well, his idees just don't suit my idees;
for he's knocked off the rods
of our street-corner gods,
which has gravely outraged the proprieties.""
"
"among albion's natural boons
reckon badgers, those burrowing goons.
lawns and gardens they paw at,
and you they may claw at;
with badgers, you don't need raccoons.
"
"aunt agatha hasn't a peer
at ruling the woosters by fear.
she once got so shirty
at feckless young bertie,
he stayed out of england a year.
"
"when a spirit from edo takes wing,
aoyama's the ultimate thing;
if your family buries
you under its cherries,
you're sure of a visit each spring.
"
"agamemnon excited the wrath
of achilles.  reversing his path,
he sailed home from troy
with cassandra as toy
to be chopped by his wife in his bath.
"
"""the bastard"" does not seem a name
to be owned without anger or shame.
but a war-gotten throne
and campaigns with st. joan
have carried this title to fame.
"
"pale aramis couldn't quite cope
with the musketeer image.  his hope
was to leave all his dueling
and sexual fooling,
take orders, and aim to be pope.
"
"the musketeer count de la f?re
(called athos) found life hard to bear.
his wife lost her head,
his son was misled,
and he drank too much.  still, what an air!
"
"the city of allahabad
was founded by akbar.  it had
the ganges a-rippling,
a pressroom for kipling,
and gandhis and nehrus, by gad!
"
"a north african lady named gert
brought applause to the town of bizerte.
but that was in war,
and civilians are more
dainty-minded; we'll censor the dirt.
"
"attending a benefit show,
""art deco?"" you muse.  ""art nouveau?""
the latter's more curvy;
the former, quite nervy,
metallic, with plasticky glow.
"
"the glamor of prewar peking
has faded in modern beijing;
but its kites are still flying
and ducks lushly dying
and peonies glowing in spring.
"
"when your cloth is of fine linen mesh
to comport with champagne or cr?me fra?che,
down each candle you pass
a neat circle of glass
for the wax that may drip: a bob?che.
"
"it was said when the bourbons returned,
they had nothing forgotten, nor learned
any lesson at all
from their blood-boltered fall,
for the french revolution they spurned.
"
"the villainous blofeld was fond
of spectral attacks on james bond.
in print and on screen
he has frequently been
believed dead; but we may have been conned.
"
"in the new megachurches of boise
the worship is joyous and noisy;
they huzzah, ""hallelujah!
jehovah, here's to ya!""
so loud you can hear them in joisey.
"
"at stanford, they sing that the bear
of berkeley is losing his hair;
his teeth are all out;
he's blind and has gout;
he's dirty, he's dim, and . . . stop there!
"
"an englishman planning a study
of decorous proxies for bloody
would lose no time thinking
of blooming and blinking
and bally and blighted and ruddy.
"
"in beta, we anglophones keep
the old consonant beth.  by some leap,
modern greek sounds it v,
and it's ""veeta"" (long e),
as in vathi, for instance, for ""deep.""
"
"one who's coltish is playful or frisky.
not just kids act in ways that are risky:
geezers now get a thrill
with a magical pill.
used to be, ""have a stiff one"" meant whiskey.
"
"a young chef named basil was blessed
with a secret old method for pest-
o. the basil, you see,
should be ground up with glee
and combined with the rest to be best.
"
"a babaco plant i could grow
in a site where hard frost doesn't go.
it has big juicy fruit
that i think are just beaut.
(it's the mountain papaya, you know.)
"
"the american standard (a code),
be it plain information or ode,
lets us interchange text.
seven bits leaves me vexed;
let's extend it for accented mode.
"
"if steak is the meal of the day,
buy aberdeen-angus, i'd say.
to start with good cattle
is most of the battle,
then cook it in just the right way.
"
"when browsing through websites, my friend,
apache your pages may send.
doesn't hang, it's not slow ?
open source. way to go!
and it's rare that you'll have an abend.
"
"the first rose of the summer you'll see
will be banksia ? blossoming free.
its small yellow flowers
will smother your bowers,
and it might even climb up a tree.
"
"an airman was absent last week.
without leave, he played pool at pike's peak.
now our guy's on the run,
and the game is no fun.
to the air force, it's not hide and seek.
"
"if you fancy a kiwi to eat,
actinidia's fruit would be sweet.
you must not eat the bird.
eating people? absurd!
kiwifruit on pavlova's my treat.
"
"in most situations it's right
that botrytis is but a bad blight.
but when grapes are for wine,
noble rot is divine.
""late harvest"" is quite a delight.
"
"jean batten had yearnings to fly
all alone, like a bird in the sky.
she won trophies and fame
(schools and streets bear her name),
but down on the ground she was shy.
"
"scoliosis turns spines into s's.
one cure uses pressure and stresses.
abbott's method requires
long tight straps, pads and wires
under shirts, blouses, sweaters and dresses.
"
"blue java bananas ? how neat!
they have silvery skin and taste sweet.
they taste (it's a dream)
like vanilla ice cream,
so as snack food, they just can't be beat.
"
"you blame the black ice you can't see
for wrapping your car 'round a tree.
the cop shakes his head
and suggests that instead
your speed was a hundred and three.
"
"ceramic and metal, when blended,
make cermet, a substance intended
to endure under heat,
not to crack if it's beat,
so for spacecraft or drill bits it's splendid!
"
"there's a breakfast bar in our new home ?
my wife had it detailed in chrome.
a bar? to make trouble,
i ordered a double!
(she gave me espresso with foam.)
"
"the lds mormons endeavor
to join up two people forever.
though celestial marriage
i should not disparage,
i think there are ties death should sever.
"
"randolph, a boondoggler clerk,
wrote limericks, pretending to work.
his boss, late one night,
saw the times on the site;
the next morning he fired the jerk!
"
"a soldier from rome often prayed
to bellona, to steady his blade.
he'd promise a gift
on her altar to lift,
in return for her guidance and aid.
"
"calamity jane would exclaim:
""that wild bill hickok i'll tame!""
yes, they say that she lied
about being his bride,
but her grave's next to bill's all the same!
"
"just switch my first 'c' to a 't',
then toss me and ""lettuce"" i'll be.
on celtuce stems munch
for your dinner or lunch,
and in woks the chinese stir-fry me.
"
"the islands of aotearoa
are miles to the south of samoa.
not heard of this free land?
you might say ""new zeeland"";
explored by james cook, not balboa.
"
"abutilon blossoms resemble
the lanterns some chinese assemble.
choose yellow and red,
or orange instead;
round my lakeshore they quiver and tremble.
"
"babiana are flowers that bring
vibrant colour quite late in the spring.
if you want them to stay,
keep baboons well away,
because eating the corms is their thing.
"
"alstroemerias in a bouquet,
are pricey, or so i've heard say.
in my front garden bed
they have started to spread,
and i'll happily give them away.
"
"if monarchs fulfil a deep need,
then cultivate butterfly weed.
asclepias plants
(""they're weeds!"", say my aunts)
make a butterfly banquet indeed.
"
"from australia, brave john simpson came.
from new zealand, our lads did the same,
on gallipoli's shore
this untrained army corps
lost their lives, lost the battle, won fame.
"
"you've a morbid obesity gene,
so you're fat?can't get slender or lean.
when the surgeon you see
says he'll do bpd,
he will bypass your guts, not your spleen.
"
"the city's a rat-race, i've found.
to the outback or backblocks i'm bound.
no one cares i'm a frump
out beyond the black stump,
and there's plenty of space to go round.
"
"on my head's  a new boater, m'dear.
come along with me down to the pier.
now step into my punt?
take the seat in the front,
while i stand with my pole at the rear.
"
"if you suffer a burn, cut or fall
in new zealand, there's one place to call.
since we have acc,
you can't sue, by decree,
but the compo you get may be small.
"
"crafting limericks takes cogitation
(that means ""thinking"") and metric frustration.
to get out of this jam,
i think, therefore, iamb!
won't these anapests take a vacation?
"
"they say corpsicles aren't very tasty.
they're anemic and really quite pasty.
when you die, if you've chosen,
your body is frozen.
let's chill (but let's not be too hasty).
"
"back in college we used to confabulate
for hours?too many to tabulate.
fear of pregnancy? nyet!
stds? not a threat!
all it means is we stayed up to blab too late.
"
"scottish lads are well known to be clannish,
but their kilts seem a trifle unmannish.
pardon me if i stare
midst the deafening blare
of the pipes. (or perhaps i'll just vanish!)
"
"i've a coccyx, by natural design.
(tailless apes also have one, like mine!)
but if chased by a gibbon,
i'd say (without fibbin'),
""old friend, it's the end of the spine.""
"
"once a macho brazilian coati
deemed a female coati a hottie.
up he swaggered to chat;
like his pitch, he fell flat,
'cause miss ringtail had taken karate.
"
"there's a book 'bout an angler compleat.
though that spelling seems rather effete,
orthographics be axed!
if the rules were relaxed,
it wood ackshully bee purdy neet.
"
"a young psychic perceived with clairvoyance
that the girl of his dreams was a boy once.
""not to worry,"" said he,
""i was also a she,
but i found it a monthly annoyance.""
"
"if you're stuck in a shell, you're cleidoic.
that means you, birds!  you're really quite stoic.
not a peep till you're hatched,
though from mom you're detached;
claustrophobics would call you heroic!
"
"a conundrum is merely a riddle
with a pun at the end (or the middle?):
""what did franklin advise?
'healthy, wealthy, and y's.'""
(are you rolling your i's just a little?)
"
"my friend peter would go on a spree,
phoning people, pretending to be
the lottery folks,
but his cash-award jokes
were thwarted by caller id.
"
"the cyanocitta cristata!
(i'd say syllable-wise, that's a lotta.)
it's much simpler to say
he's the blue jay, okay?
found mostly on land, not on watta.
"
"i kick'd around, battered, & broozed
verbation and nounage i choozed.
in these prose that i right,
it makes cents that i might
skip cacology: english abused.
"
"liverwort, hornwort and moss:
hearty land plants you may come across.
found on logs, stones and trees,
they won't dry out or freeze,
and bryologists study this dross!
"
"to blaw, you force air out just so.
through your mouth or your nose it must go.
if you're scottish, or from
northern england, well, chum,
you might say this instead of just blow.
"
"if you built an adulterine castle
you'd prove a rebellious ol' vassal.
your king you'd disgrace,
and just to save face
he'd dismember you ? oh, what a hassle!
"
"a temple or church, that's a fane
(middle english, ex. fanum, that's plain).
we had one next door,
but then, during the war
it was bombed?one more fane down the drain.
"
"you are treacherous, most unreliable,
and your honesty's simply deniable.
your faithlessness, mate,
is beyond all debate,
and my trust in you? that's more than friable.
"
"when the parliamentarians fought,
english royalists wouldn't have thought
ollie cromwell might win
(doing charlie right in)?
civil war cut the royalty short.
"
"the mild, tasty, white farmer's cheese,
made from curds of skim milk (if you please),
will be usually soured.
at our house it's devoured,
though an allergy makes us all wheeze.
"
"false witness is mean; it's a lie
that can poke someone right in the eye.
it will drive any jury
or judge into fury,
no matter how hard they may try.
"
"my fatness is hard to ignore.
i weigh four hundred pounds, and what's more,
i am cross and i grieve
'cause my friends don't believe
back in school, i wore size 34.
"
"meaning ""settled"" or ""fastened"", empight,
as an obsolete word's my delight.
it sounds good, and it chimes;
it has dozens of rhymes,
such as kite, light, despite, isle of wight.
"
"""don't enigmatise, tell me the truth,""
said my lovely new girlfriend named ruth.
""i'm tired of your twiddling,
and stop with your riddling.
i'm not very much of a sleuth!""
"
"your facial expression makes clear
your distaste for this kind of french beer.
eyes, nose, mouth, all contorted
(so fred has reported)
as if they expressed mortal fear.
"
"i'm an essayer, one who will try
to achieve certain things (by and by).
but unfortunately, though,
the success rate is low?
and, attempting, i might do or die.
"
"my friend said, his face clearly brightening,
""let me edify you (that's enlightening!?).
i'll teach you to kill
all your foes, if you will?""
but i thought such enlightening frightening.
"
"it turns inward, condensing the flame
of a lamp. what is this?what's its name?
it's a ring called a cric,
but i lost my last wick,
so this cric's rather useless. a shame!
"
"now, here's my last word, my dear friend,
i'll be happy if you comprehend:
our firm has gone bust,
nothing left, only dust.
this is desitive, final, the end.
"
"when a book's out of print, bernadette,
shops can order no more, but don't fret!
in a specialist store
a facsimile (or
a reproduced copy) you'll get.
"
"""don't fret,"" said my friend ebenezer,
""my bike is some kind of an easer.
it saves you from walking?""
but i started talking,
""no tires? your easer's a teaser!""
"
"a confessional?that's where your sins
you confess, feeling needles and pins.
it's a part of the church
where your soul you can search
and the process of penance begins.
"
"an earth-god (or god of fertility,
vegetation and growth, not sterility)
would favor the crops,
such as  wheat, nuts, and hops?
thus enhancing our wealth and stability.
"
"i am fringe, a most notable swinger
and not very much of a singer.
my anagram's finger.
i'm prone to malinger
(from many a gallon of stinger).
"
"my friend told his girl (just to fret 'er)
an uncomfortable truth in a letter:
""there's a rough patch of skin
on the side of your chin?
use some face cream to make it feel better.""
"
"my abecedarium shows
lots of words, such as foes, goes and hoes.
they're from a, b, c, d
right through x, y, and z,
but how many i don't know who knows.
"
"the dermatologic doc said,
""your skin isn't tanned. it is red.
too much sun, i suppose.
can cause cancer. who knows
just how long this will take till you're dead.""
"
"europeanization?that's when
the english learn german, or ten
countries quit with their tussles
by joining with brussels,
or the greeks pay their taxes again.
"
"demain means ""decree"", ""law"", or ""rule"",
or ""management"", just like at school.
but there once was a wench
who just taught me some french:
""demain means 'tomorrow', you fool.""
"
"epigraphy?this is the study
of ancient inscriptions, my buddy.
if your latin or greek
or your hebrew is weak,
then such study may well appear muddy.
"
"ephialtes means ""nightmare"". that's it,
and i don't like it one single bit,
when the we
sends the message to me
that my entry is just not a hit.
"
"church of england or chief engineer
represented by two letters here:
the two are ce
and they also can be
common era?including this year.
"
"enchantment we find in a fairyland,
and some see this magic in dairyland.
i wonder if fairies
will dwell in such dairies.
my fairyland, meanwhile, is maryland.
"
"""an excitant,"" said mandy, ""is brandy.
i like it much better than candy.
as a long drink and fizzy
it won't make me dizzy;
unblended, it's making me randy.""
"
"wearing falsies, i make the boys stare
at my upper-floor area, where
at the front of my chest
they imagine a breast,
which to show 'em i never would  dare.
"
"an examinate? never, not me,
'cause examined i don't want to be,
for the first ruddy question
will cause indigestion
to quite an unheard-of degree.
"
"though usually spelled with a ""k"",
a cabob is cooked up just one way:
it's just meat that's grilled quick
over flames, on a stick,
served as street food or swanky gourmet!
"
"insurance is sold with great skill,
by an agent whose forms you must fill.
a carrier admitted
he'll need to have  ? it'd
be called, well, a license to bill.
"
"brit milah should be done with precision,
by a mohel with excellent vision.
but it's also called bris,
and i would be remiss
not to mention both mean ""circumcision"".
"
"we birds keep away from avernus,
a lake whose foul vapors will burn us.
we call it avernal,
and poets, infernal;
its hellish aromas concern us.
"
"my roommate roberta is shrewd;
at restaurants, for months she's pursued
extra food at her meals
with her ""send it back!"" spiels.
yes, her canniness works, though it's rude.
"
"to assure a controlled, measured gait,
a horse's head must be held straight.
tie a checkrein to fit,
between saddle and bit.
(hook me up ? it'll help me lose weight!)
"
"all this deforestation, for shame!
if the earth could talk, whom would she blame?
zealous lumberjacks, wait ?
keep at least one thing straight:
only ceduous trees are fair game.
"
"i'm no longer antipornographic,
since this film starring sarah seraphic.
when she turns up the heat,
you should stay off the street,
for that body will really stop traffic.
"
"there is no larger island on earth:
home of sydney and melbourne and perth.
where your cobber's a pal:
he's a guy (she's a gal)
of whose friendship there's never a dearth.
"
"a stockbroker parent, ol' chap,
will share slang with you?learn it asap.
a biter of ankles
means ""kiddie who rankles.""
(though in stocks, it's a term for small cap.)
"
"our marriage had clear bipartition;
she liked shopping, and i preferred fishin'.
though we took trips in tandem,
i selfishly planned 'em;
the bait-cutting led to our scission.
"
"blandiloquence isn't so grand;
grandiloquence, likewise, ain't bland.
so when writing your speech,
please endeavor to reach
a fair balance we'll all understand.
"
"of bath chaps the brits are in awe;
it's a meat snack that's fried?never raw.
all you vegans, be cautious:
prepare to be nauseous.
it's salt-cured and breaded pig jaw.
"
"the three-headed dog guarding hades
reminds me of dates with the ladies.
cerberean, they
keep my hands far away ?
herculean, my tries, since the eighties!
"
"the fact that we speak, i would say,
is distinctive to man's dna.
likewise, birds wear their plumes,
and the skunks have their fumes;
apomorphic (unique) traits are they.
"
"a fisherman's catch is done in;
little use it has now of its skin.
it resembles blue metal
when tossed in the kettle ?
au bleu from its tail to its fin!
"
"atole's the meal made from corn
many mexicans cook up each morn.
next a mug joins the plate,
for this flour is great
mixed and drunk by both rich and low-born.
"
"to my townhouse, i added a floor
in order to sell it for more.
all that work in this case is
adjusted to basis,
so selling will make me less poor.
"
"a jumper, when wind he detects,
his parachute's course he corrects.
in accuracy jumping,
adrenalin's pumping
until his touch-down on the x.
"
"your liver secretes stuff all day,
to your gall bladder?green, black or gray.
if your stool gets no bile,
then after a while,
it's acholic and colored like clay.
"
"in greek, the root kako- means 'bad',
and daimons? just spirits, egad!
cacodemons, you said,
have invaded your head?
well, to shrinks that just means that you're mad!
"
"brush discharge can be such a blast!
this slow, crackling light-glow is cast
when electrodes can't arc,
and need more ""juice"" to spark.
(try saying it now, three times fast.)
"
"in biblical days way, way back,
the tribes always feared an attack.
adamah's walls soared
where naphtali was lord;
foes arrived, sighed, and started to pack.
"
"an inventor who thought he was smart
made a cake pan with no middle part.
it was little adored
till it won an award.
that's how bundt cakes, it seems, got their start.
"
"to learn words, i create a mnemonic.
the best are plain weird, or ironic.
""tossed a fence, said it sucked""?!
in my mind, this was tucked:
to me castigate's simply iconic!
"
"most blowflies, to lay their eggs, seek
raw wounds or dead flesh (that must reek!).
how odd, then, indeed:
the calliphora breed
means ""the bearer of beauty"" in greek!
"
"our manners and etiquette fade
and with each generation degrade.
you're a blackguard when crude,
and you're coarse and plain rude.
poor ol' gran would be downright dismayed.
"
"turtles, like grandpas, appear
to be bald-headed amblers?all drear.
but now pull off that shell,
yech?there's dull greenish gel!
and yet calipash soup has no peer.
"
"called heretic, leper and cretin,
ignored, shunned, excluded, browbeaten.
the cagot's foul touch
was reviled so much
that they made him wear boots to keep feet in.
"
"when working on graphic designs,
the edges, an artist defines.
these bleed marks show borders
to give pressmen orders
so ink can go up to the lines.
"
"widely known and esteemed: i was famed.
for the chairmanship i had been named.
but along came this wench
who created a stench:
seems that i had just raped her (she claimed).
"
"a falsificator: he cheats
or counterfeits coins or repeats
what false witnesses say.
and that awful toupee!
these are some of his odious ""treats"".
"
"dan was tired and spent, it was true,
but he still tried to date randy sue.
but when she abused him
and clearly refused him,
he knew he had just fallen through.
"
"east indian fig trees put out
aerial shoots that grow downwards, no doubt.
when these reach the ground
where they grow, safe and sound,
they bring newly grown trunks all about.
"
"to sew up, to enclose by a seam,
to include, to contain?that's the theme.
but because i can't sew
(and so much i well know),
such enseaming will stay but a dream.
"
"old daedalus' son ""on the run""
had flown much too high when the sun
beat down hard on his wings,
thus ungluing the things,
so that icarus crashed and was done.
"
"a cannonball's made out of stone
or of iron or steel, and it's thrown,
or propelled, by a gun
to kill, maim, or stun?
as feared, in its day, as a drone.
"
"""experimental, you say? i'll be gentle:
even trying this out shows you're mental.
heck, it's not just your house
but your sweet, patient spouse
that you've offered for 20-year rental.
"
"i'm a fantast, a visionary/dreamer
and not very much of a schemer.
perhaps what i'll do
is just move to peru
and write limaricks down there in lima.
"
"whether lady or tramp, if she's born
in cornwall she's known as a corn-
ishwoman, you see,
and her birthplace could be
botus fleming, but never cape horn.
"
"an artillerist hoped to enamor a
photographer known for her glamor. a
shame that the gunshot
he shot was the one shot
she got when she pointed the camera.
"
"to altercate means to dispute.
whatever i claim, you refute.
well, bluster and blurt on,
but please keep your shirt on.
i've heard that you're grossly hirsute.
"
"""this place is a pig sty!"" she muttered.
""it's junk-filled and utterly cluttered.
i've searched the whole house
but i can't find my spouse!""
""i'm under the laundry,"" he sputtered.
"
"compendiarious: one of the various
words on the list, and nefarious.
but the schoolboy excelled,
and he laughed as he spelled
this long word that means ""short""?how hilarious!
"
"willy sleeps in a wee baby bed.
it's three feet, from the foot to the head.
but he cries every night
with his knees drawn up tight.
(he's six five, and he recently wed.)
"
"""flamenco is fun! watch me twirl,""
cried the dancer, with skirts all aswirl.
but the men looked morose
as they said adios,
'cause it seems they'd expected a girl.
"
"a philosopher, known for his neatness,
tripped and fell in the street, due to fleetness.
with his papers a mess,
he exclaimed in distress,
""now the abstract has met with concreteness!""
"
"his collectible caused him to grin,
though, in truth, it was ugly as sin.
at the thrift shop he swore
that he'd bought it before.
('twas his wife who had brought the thing in.)
"
"my doc says it's aniseikonia.
when i look at my dearest wife sonia,
to my right eye, she's hot!
(to my left, oy!  she's not.)
gee, why couldn't i just have pneumonia?
"
"take a look!  here's my baby boy fenton
in his pjs designed by doc denton.
this brag book's so neat,
with his pictures so sweet;
what a shame that he's now in san quentin.
"
"a shakespearean actor named vines,
while well-versed, was immersed in his wines.
as he brandished his dagger,
he cried (with a stagger):
""methinksh i shall butcher my lines!""
"
"the damselfish charmed the big koi
with a swish of the tail?quite a ploy.
said the koi (ever trite):
""something's fishy, all right...""
his coy mistress, alas, was a boy.
"
"wielding chopsticks, ming scowled at his plate:
""well, that dachshund was just second-rate;
not too tasty or filling?
perhaps you'd be willing
to bring me that dane?  he looks great!""
"
"i've a tendency sometimes to babble
about letters; in wordplay i dabble.
i've a j, x, and q,
and the z is mine, too?
so you think you can beat me at scrabble?
"
"""what a ravishing outfit she's wearing,
with that neckline so plunging and daring!
it's clear mrs. bassett's
got eye-popping assets...""
""is that why you're drooling and staring?""
"
"at the creepy old castle our host
gave our spirits a lift with his toast:
""pleasant dreams!  don't be daunted;
most rooms are not haunted.
you've only a chance of a ghost.""
"
"whether russian or french or virginian,
we've evolved in a manner darwinian.
and i swear, it's a shame!
we give apes a bad name:
they don't cuss. (hell, that's just my opinion.)
"
"once a cagey dalmatian named frank
was condemned to spend time in the tank.
said the cop who gave chase:
""it's a black and white case!
he was spotted while robbing a bank.""
"
"a conch forms a shell. (he's conchiferous.)
i picked up his shell so splendiferous.
a misfortune for each
on my day at the beach:
he had conked and was quite odoriferous.
"
"our basement is hopping with crickets,
and they sing with their wings?quite a trick!  it's
a love song so zealous
t'would make callas jealous...
by jiminy, we should sell tickets!
"
"your wine you can store for a price
in my basement; the space will suffice.
all the vintners trust me ?
for the cellarage fee,
i repel all merlot-loving mice.
"
"his tux quite an elegant cut,
the waiter bows low, seats us, but?
he could use a tad less
ceremoniousness,
rather much for kentucky mchut!!
"
"my office-mates (female) have said
that promotions should be more ""coed"".
glass ceilinged, perhaps,
but we're ready, we chaps,
to peek up those skirts overhead!
"
"no, israel wasn't complacent
when its borders had foes circumjacent.
'67's short war
left the arab states sore,
though they swore against kneeling, obeisant.
"
"a visit to airdrie? let's go.
i'll check on this map ? but, oh no!
two locations i see,
and they're too cold for me.
they're in scotland and canada ? snow!
"
"in the film, someone chained up king kong
using chains of chrome steel, which was wrong.
for alas, he broke free,
because chemically,
adding chrome doesn't make metal strong.
"
"when conception is not their intention,
some couples use sketchy prevention:
ovulation predicting
means sex-time restricting.
(the calendar method: abstention.)
"
"at base with their fags and their beers,
both doughboy and tommy sang, ""here's
to the mademoiselle
of this mechanized hell,
the lady who's from armentieres.""
"
"from anjou ""captain margaret"" is beckoned
and soon by opponents is reckoned
""the she-wolf of france""
as she dons the king's pants
in henry the sixth, part the second.
"
"as ayesha, we honor the queen
of h. rider haggard's demesne.
in this undying maid
who must be obeyed,
the jungian anima's seen.
"
"for shakespearean comic relief,
""autolycus"" stars as a thief;
with his hand in your purse,
he will sell you bad verse
like a washington media chief.
"
"it's arsenic makes you the heir;
you bought it for rats, you will swear.
the word's indigestion;
you're home, without question . . .
unless dear miss marple is there.
"
"sarah bernhardt might now be thought quaint;
in her time she left playgoers faint.
they believed her when told
in her accents of gold
she was nineteen years old and a saint.
"
"my poor father fought deep in a trench,
nose to tail in a furrow of stench.
but it tickled my pa
that the shade caca d'oie
means not 'olive' but 'goose poop' in french.
"
"a bland-tasting hot dog, i feel,
needs the hot stuff to make it taste ""real.""
calefacient implies
a nice temperature rise;
add some horseradish ? now it's ideal!
"
"actinobacillus may quicken
the demise of your horse, if he's stricken.
the equuli species
is spread through his feces.
(the lucky ones live and just sicken.)
"
"though anteaters look rather odd,
like the work of a whimsical god,
at cal-irvine (big west)
they are often seen dressed
for the soccer or basketball squad.
"
"yosemite's hotel ahwahnee
may beckon when oak leaves are tawny,
but its food and its tone?
nay, its tchotchkes alone?
are not for the fiscally scrawny.
"
"ars longa, the romans would say,
vita brevis.  though life flits away,
art survives.  statues stand
when their cities are sand
(to remodel a bit from gautier).
"
"bariloche's a lakeside resort
in the argentine andes.  the sort
of vacationers found there
want snow on the ground there,
and dining is also a sport.
"
"in what language does that choir sing?
are those russian or serb tones that ring?
well, no matter the tonic,
it's still church slavonic?
to orthodox priests the real thing.
"
"cab calloway's ghost looked below.
""there was no way i ever could know
that long years in the future
my 'minnie the moocher'
would still make folks yell 'hi-de ho!'""
"
"a man from milwaukee named ted
sought a bubbler in dallas, then said,
""it was just what you'd think.
i could not find a drink
'til i asked for a fountain instead.""
"
"a bass-baritone sure is a hot one.
glad are opera directors who've got one
for roles high and low,
such as boris and joe,
which aren't easy to sing if you're not one.
"
"my urologist, hearing my moans,
suspects calculi.  then he intones,
""son, please let me explain.
you'll have even more pain,
if your kidneys keep making these stones.""
"
"every branch of our corporate giant
tried to make the most dough for the client.
but the one in saint paul,
whose best practice topped all,
set the standard.  we must be compliant.
"
"said blanche to a blancher, ""i say,
if you keep this food boiling all day,
all the flavor you'll lose,
not to mention the hues,
and you'll just have to throw it away.""
"
"let me tell you a hair-raising story
'bout britain's diminishing glory:
the annals of sports?
that's a long list of shorts.
(this excursus was written in gorey.)
"
"she acts fairily (means: ""like a fairy""),
and her sweet loving ways never vary.
she is dainty like twiggy,
not round like miss piggy.
i love her, my girl-friend named mary.
"
"""is estuary english your lingo?""
they asked me in santo domingo.
""your -ay- when you say
day, and station, and bay?""
""i'm from essex,"" and they shouted, ""bingo!""
"
"back at school there was many  a test
which i took, never finishing best.
my latin was weak;
even worse was my greek;
i just failed them (and most of the rest).
"
"bearing foliage all the year long,
it's an evergreen. also a song
known in numerous nations
and/or generations?
enduring, it's still going strong.
"
"expending the rest of my money
for brandy you say you need, honey,
is surely no joke,
because i am the bloke
who is broke now, and that isn't funny.
"
"it was far and away the best cake
of the many my mother would bake,
but my dad, the old grumbler,
while nursing his tumbler
of brandy, pronounced it a fake.
"
"you are perfect,  i'm led to believe:
not a blemish, no ace up your sleeve,
no mistakes whatsoever.
you're also quite clever.
i envy your faultlessness (grieve!).
"
"ex-president: one who's no more
chief executive as once before
or head of a state.
of the living and late,
the u.s. has a couple of score.
"
"when i made no appearance in court,
my essoin (or essoign) was quite short:
""why did i not appear?
'cause i had too much beer
and a wee drop of whiskey (a quart)"".
"
"of modern sf, the real founding
is imputed to campbell's astounding;
for decades john taught,
by each story he bought,
the importance of factual grounding.
"
"bologna is known as ""the fat""
(la grassa) to indicate that
you will eat very well there;
i'm told that it's swell there,
but prices? hold onto your hat!
"
"in the dark operetta candide,
the hero is nabbed for his creed.
all huzzah: ""what a day
for an auto-da-f?!""
but after a flogging, he's freed.
"
"on the coast, the banana can claim
to have lent an odd mollusk its name?
a slug of the redwoods
that nibbles on dead woods
or plays in a santa cruz game.
"
"""amanda"": a marvelous part?
so graceful and witty and smart.
her author, young noel,
took the opposite role
in dialogue typically tart.
"
"chap's a climber, a social nouveau,
neither county nor pukka, you know;
he's a cad, not-quite-quite,
hairy-heeled and off-white,
not our sort, just a bounder.  bad show!
"
"the lords of the persians can't bear
the tidings from salamis, where
their troops went to slaughter
by land and by water.
thus aeschylus sings; he was there.
"
"when the raj over injah held sway,
to say blighty meant home, the uk.
the word followed the pipers
to messpot and wipers;
yank parallel?  stateside, we say.
"
"in paris, a boulevardier
will saunter the champs-?lys?es;
he's a name in caf?s
and in smart ateliers,
and an opera habitu?.
"
"as ""falling in love again"" dies
from a screen where the blue angel flies,
the old and the fond
dream of lili, a blonde
now cheering the troops in the skies.
"
"as we drove past cloquet, the whole gang
held their noses back then, and they sang,
""we have got to get out
of this place!"" but i doubt
this view's shared by ms. jessica lange.
"
"""you remind me of the man."" ""of what man?""
""with the power."" ""what power?"" asked dan.
""that of hoodoo."" ""what, hoodoo?""
""well, you do."" ""i do do?
do what?"" ""you remind me of the man.""
"
"to impress his new lady friend, blair
asked her out to a fancy affair.
""is it black tie?"" asked she.
""is it what?"" answered he.
""well, my cocktail dress goes anywhere.""
"
"now the chippewa people are known
as ojibway by folks pc prone.
ah, but when they're among
those who speak in their tongue,
it is anishinaabe they'll own.
"
"most pianos are uprights or grands
and of various sizes and brands.
be they one- or two-seaters,
it's inches or meters.
a concert grand's 28 hands.
"
"""my life ish a shamblesh,"" slurred jack.
all his friends, as if one, answered back,
""if you'd give up your drinking,
then clear-headed thinking
would soon put your life back on track.""
"
"if you walk down a boulevard wide,
think again; it's much safer to ride.
but i smile and sing ditties
here in the twin cities
and safely tread grass on the side.
"
"poached salmon or other fish meat
becomes a delectable treat
when cooked partially covered,
then totally smothered
with caramelized onions.  how sweet!
"
"add a number and fraction, where 1
is above the line (now you've begun);
then below do the same,
and continue the game
to infinity, or till you're done.
"
"i threw box cars and gave up the dice.
the croupier was incredibly nice.
""while i see without doubt
that you clearly crapped out,
try again, for it can't happen twice.""
"
"he had cucumber sandwiches made
for his aunt, but proceeded to wade
through the whole bloomin' stack,
leaving none for poor jack
or his aunt, lady bracknell, who brayed . . .
"
"i am finally able to pay
all my debts. it's a red letter day.
but do not be confused
by the phrase that i used.
i'm in fact in the black ? hip hurray!
"
"my frustration was turning me red,
when my son most offensively said,
""i've no thanks for your giving.
you owe me a living.""
i cuffed him up side of the head.
"
"a big comma with two little dots
that marks f on the staff and allots
to each line and each space
its own pitch ? that's the bass
clef ? deep music from circles and spots.
"
"""you're a cynical crapehanger, sid!
and your glass is half-empty."" ""oh, did
i say that?  i did not.
it's half-full ? with a lot
of strong poison.  drink that? god forbid!""
"
"after daring to write his new deck off,
crowed anton, ""i've just cut the heck off
my total tax due,
leaving seventy-two
bucks to give to the chickadee checkoff.""
"
"violin-maker velma had bought
several quarter-sawn planks, and she thought,
""this close-grained sitka spruce
i can put to good use
making bellies.  they're just what i sought.""
"
"""your creatinine score's gone to town,""
the nephrologist said with a frown.
""a strict diet for you
and dialysis, too,
'cause your kidneys have nearly shut down.""
"
"a succession might start with a fire
or some other catastrophe dire.
but then over the years
each new species appears
in the climax community choir.
"
"there's a new composition of mine
that the critics would have me refine.
they don't like its expressions
or chordal progressions.
i'd flout them, but haven't the spine.
"
"once french royalty lived in ch?teaux,
like versailles, cheverny, chenonceau.
seventeen eighty-nine
brought a market decline.
(without heads, who needs fancy chapeaux?)
"
"""there's a lump on my head and i'm pissed,
'cause it's growing as big as my fist.""
""ask your doc what he thinks.""
""but he's out on the links.""
""well, just tell him to cease and de-cyst!""
"
"pricey wine would taste fine, i suspect,
but your dom perignon i reject.
""drink cheap!"" is my motto;
act daffy!  get blotto!
i call it ""the ripple effect.""
"
"i love art so i'm studying dada,
as i sip my fourth pi?a colada.
googled paintings of ""dolly""?
got cloned sheep, by golly...
surreal! (pretty soon, i'll see nada.)
"
"though ""cradle cap"" sounds quite adorable,
it's a skin rash that's truly deplorable.
baby's scalp becomes crusty;
oh, tell me, why must he
be bald, 'cause these photos are horrible!
"
"way down south of the ol' mason-dixon,
there's a dark, headless cabbage we're fixin'.
have you tried collard greens?
(not blue-collared; that means
something else.)  now, y'all come! get your licks in.
"
"as i took a long leap off the pier,
the danger at once became clear.
all the sharks had their bibs on;
said one:  ""i've got dibs on
his drumsticks?now open that beer!""
"
"a cheeky young geek named o'malley
had a tendency sometimes to dally
while fixing computers
for clients from hooters,
implanted in silicone valley.
"
"a dude wearing lace would look dandyish,
freakin' foppish, and also outlandyish.
but what if the gentry
of seventeenth century
wore speedos?  forsooth, they'd look randyish.
"
"one fine day, on a bet or a dare,
a designer set fire to her hair.
though her friends were appalled
when she ended up bald,
they admitted she'd done it with flare.
"
"my mother-in-law likes to quip.
by way of example, a trip:
if you take the long way,
she'll most certainly say
that you went there by way of jipip.
"
"in a riding style drawn from old spain,
in vienna the lipizzans train.
it's an equine museum
where folks go and see 'em
do caprioles on the long rein.
"
"said young dilbert, ""i'll make an assertion:
this manager wastes my exertion.
he's so out of touch?
then, one doesn't see much
with a cranial rectal insertion.""
"
"concurrent to some means ""as one,""
while to others ""in harmony done.""
yet another opines
it's ""the meeting of lines.""
any hope of concurrence? no, none.
"
"in the bus leagues he hit .305,
and those minor league pitches he'd drive
o'er the center field wall,
but the manager's call:
in the show he'd be eaten alive.
"
"german kalt is a cognate of cold,
just as alt is a cognate of old.
such a common word pair
shows two languages share
a joint history that scholars unfold.
"
"he choked up as he took the long trip
to the plate to test out his new grip.
he choked up on the bat,
but struck out just like that.
he choked up, and they lost three to zip.
"
"drive the turnpike across pennsylvania.
you'll conclude that these folks have a mania
for purple crown vetch,
'cause it lines the whole stretch.
it's invasive but should entertain ya.
"
"come with without object you'll hear
in the u. s. where germans lived near.
in the upper midwest,
where your chances are best,
grampa asked, ""kommst du mit?"" of his dear.
"
"we drank wine, a divine spanish red,
and on pheasant most pleasant we fed,
'til i bit on a pellet
of birdshot.  oh hell, it
has crushed my bicuspid with lead!
"
"mephistopheles pines in his crate.
(that's an open-mesh cage with a gate.)
it seems so unkind
that this pup is confined;
guess it must have been something he ate.
"
"that lady's a fox!  she's curvaceous,
and she walks with a wiggle flirtatious.
if you're feeling audacious,
rapacious, voracious,
back off!  her bad breath is hellacious.
"
"i've one eye.  i look rather cyclopic,
and i tend to be slightly myopic.
editorials, too,
have but one point of view?
but the damnable print's microscopic!
"
"i encountered a fine crested myna
on my bird-watching visit to china.
i was wildly enthralled
till he hopped up and drawled:
""howdy, ma'am! i'm from south carolina.""
"
"as the cruise ship steamed out of the port,
i devoured two pies and a torte.
i've been noshing non-stop;
if i eat till i pop,
then this may be my final resort!
"
"i'm abatic (unable to walk).
i try, but my muscles just balk.
don't call me a cripple;
i'm dead drunk on ripple?
amazing i even can talk!
"
"""oh l? l?!  i adore french cuisine!
bring me entrec?te, quiche, aubergine.
then a mousse or souffl?
and caf?, s'il vous pla?t...""
""we eat barbeque, ma'am, in moline.""
"
"the cuspidor sat by the bar,
and the patrons would spit from afar.
it was gross!  it was tacky!
their chewin' terbacky
came close (but, alas, no cigar).
"
"dearest darling, you have but one flaw:
it's that pouch full of food 'neath your jaw.
though a snack's always nice,
do you want my advice?
(no, i guess it would stick in your craw.)
"
"i'm beleaguered by armies of ants.
i retreat as their columns advance.
for i fear that i'll find that
these ants are the kind that
perchance like to occupy pants.
"
"ev'ry road runs on ground, that's the rule.
say it flies and you're deemed an old fool.
if it tilts in the air,
(no support seen up there),
it's a bascule around london pool.
"
"my fair lady first suns by my pool,
then she strolls 'neath a tree to get cool.
at one moment she's hot
but the next she is not.
she's my own actinometer tool.
"
"a philosopher needs some mnemonics
like the sickly want powerful tonics.
""syllogistics?"", he'll yelp.
baraliptons could help;
they might stop the good don's histrionics.
"
"there was a young monk from bhutan
whose robe was in need of a darn.
he spun thread off the back
of a passing old yak.
now there's an improbable yarn.
"
"if you're stroking a girl on the knee
and find it is rather too wee,
her basipodite might
let you in for a fright
as she's only a spider, you see.
"
"our safe harbour lies not very far,
but beyond that so treacherous bar.
was that sand on our keel?
hard a-port on the wheel!
we've sailed over it! have a cigar.
"
"when a hound is excited to say,
""i have scented our quarry today!""
he'll inform the whole hunt
with much more than a grunt;
he will make it quite clear with a bay.
"
"there's an item that none of us lack;
long ago it got stretched on the rack.
between neck and your bum,
found astern of your tum,
bears the load of life's road: it's your back.
"
"a good diver most gently ascends
from the gloom of the sea's lower ends.
up too fast and a bubble
in the blood causes trouble.
that problem is known as the bends.
"
"my accouchement was under the eyes
of a midwife incredibly wise.
when she made me relax,
and then push to my max,
she presented my newborn?a prize!
"
"la adler, irene by name,
excelled in voice, spirit, and frame.
after donning a ring
she outwitted a king
and sherlock to boot.  what a dame!
"
"by the idiom ""queen anne is dead,""
""nothing new"" is implicitly said;
but when anne was alive,
in society jive
""queen elizabeth"" featured instead.
"
"avalokitesvara can
as kannon be hailed in japan;
in china, guanyin,
and in both he has been
reworked on a feminine plan.
"
"prince arjuna's ready for war;
but what will his valor be for?
why destroy and enslave,
sending kin to the grave?
lord krishna, we long for thy lore!
"
"b?r?nice means a tragedy queen
or a lady in poe (what a scene!)
or for purchases spicy,
the port berenice,
where prows from the east might careen.
"
"sad hans christian andersen wrote
some fables our grandparents quote:
there's a cygnet, a pea,
and a mermaid; and she
got walt's cinematical vote.
"
"when the dark queen of narnia goes
by sleigh over sorcerous snows,
what's her classical source?
lewis readers, of course,
turn to hans christian andersen's prose.
"
"in the maghreb, as shown in your atlas,
you'll discover the mountains called atlas;
they're named for a giant
so dim and compliant
he shouldered the world: i mean atlas.
"
"a wager made phileas turn
from the fog and the gaslight to burn
a trail 'round the world
in eighty days, hurled
by the narrative powers of verne.
"
"today's multivalent cuisine
promotes the exotically green.
for evidence, google a
word like arugula;
salads will swarm to your screen.
"
"if you're trying to prove there's a god,
cosmological argument's odd.
if you think causa sui
is proof, why that's screwy.
you're better off checking the quad.
"
"the street sign reads valley creek lane.
there's no creek nearby; that much is plain.
""it might flood,"" builders analyzed.
now the creek's piped and channelized,
and my mem'ries are all that remain.
"
"said a yank to a brit, ""is it true
that a d?rer we have here in view?""
said the brit, ""were it real,
'twould be dearer, i feel.""
shrugged the yankee, ""and costlier too.""
"
"the prospectus contained a neat bit:
""if you want better grades, quicker wit,
deeper insights, more stories
to tell, higher glories,
you must take comparative lit.""
"
"how i love thee? i'd need to condense
what i feel into five lines intense.
i could mention thy beauty,
sweet voice, sense of duty,
deft wit, polished manners, good sense . . .
"
"if your bargaining isn't collective,
most likely it won't be effective.
are there terms you don't like?
then be ready to strike?
or submit to the bosses' directive.
"
"at the fights i suspected a fix ?
lots of dancing and clinches, no licks.
i yelled, ""boo!"" and then ""hiss!""
but the clincher was this:
the damn ref only counted to six.
"
"when physicians or surgeons would say
something's different, they say it their way.
yes, they sound quite ingenious
when they say allogeneous.
you believe that they're earning their pay.
"
"while rehearsing a new broadway tune,
said the bumbling second bassoon,
""for excuse, here's my plan:
blame the copyist, man.""
he was out on his ear before noon.
"
"said the geeky computer whiz, chad,
who was socially clueless (how sad!),
""it would be such a boon
if in life very soon
context-sensitive help could be had.""
"
"when you're rowed across harbour by gig,
you may think you're enormously big.
the crew backwaters hard
when they're taken off guard
by the admiral sporting full rig.
"
"the ram spies a shapely young ewe
liking life in the glistening dew.
he can see she is lissome
and sense she is blissom?
in heat?so it's time for a coup.
"
"if you want a new law, draft a bill.
in the house they'll decide if it's brill.
as a matter of fact
they will make it an act
if it fits with their countrymen's will.
"
"that aurivorous beast that i see,
fast devouring doubloons with his tea,
has a plate on the table
piled high as he's able
with specie?swiss banker is he?
"
"in a typical country-life saga,
as he said (quaffing bitter, not lager),
the posh kitchen, no doubt,
would be empty without
a big scone-cooking, bum-warming aga.
"
"i hear noises above; what's afoot?
it's a something that cannot stay put.
your guess may be true:
there's a bird in the flue,
as the hearth is now covered in soot.
"
"when that beau with impeccable taste,
the great nash, took to watching his waist,
he abandoned his doting
on that coarse sugar coating.
yes, his choice of bath bun was misplaced.
"
"if you need a neat hole that is fit
for the dowel, avoiding a split,
do not use your awl?
that would make it too small.
use a bitstock and sharp auger bit.
"
"on a barrow they cart him away,
but it's under the barrow he'll lay.
his white bones may be found
in his own grassy mound.
rest in peace for a very long day.
"
"at dusk, his sharp ears and big eyes
find him prey as he glides in the skies.
tito alba's his name.
(plain ""barn owl"" sounds tame).
any wonder we think he is wise?
"
"hear vitale spout his cager clich?s:
crash the boards! dish the rock! drain the j's!
run and gun! give and go!
shake and bake! in the flow!
take it strong to the hole! ice the treys!
"
"now our candidate makes me so mad?
he's a graft-grabbing rogue and a cad?
that you may wonder why
i would vote for the guy.
well, compared to their bum, he's not bad!
"
"shoeless joe was a great of the game.
that he's not in the hall is a shame.
but he sandbagged for dough;
""joe, say it ain't so!""
that's the reason we still say his name.
"
"if you happen to journey through adland,
no doubt you'll soon see it's a badland.
there liars hold sway
and hype rules the day,
and truth's fled away from that mad land.
"
"some find formal dance parties great fun;
all these gala affairs, though, i shun.
my preferred type of sport
is the everyday sort;
so let's ball, dear, but not go to one.
"
"they said, ""sorry, you're in the wrong place.
our new band needs a guy to play bass.""
""my life story, alas!""
said the man who played bass
as he put his fish back in its case.
"
"the charadrius genus of plovers,
has species well known to bird lovers.
the vociferus cry,
the dubius reply;
that's about all this limerick covers.
"
"great aeneas, escaping troy's sack,
forced to shoulder his dad like a pack,
as he finished the task,
was the first son to ask:
""oh please, dad, won't you get off my back?""
"
"my wife's health kick has been such a pain
that i feel i'll soon crack from the strain,
as each mealtime i rail,
damning spinach and kale,
and that cabbage that looks like a brain.
"
"here in asheville it's cool and it's green.
it's as pretty a place as you've seen.
but its greatest renown
is its weirdos downtown.
there for some, every day's halloween!
"
"i quite often enjoy a nude streak:
well, only perhaps once a week.
but the last time i tried
should have stayed warm inside,
as i'm summoned in front of the beak.
"
"i can't think of anything cute
to say of the wax-myrtle's fruit.
as i don't know its taste
it won't add to my waist,
so the bayberry's value is moot.
"
"""to sir peregrine wolstenthorpe bart.""
starts your note that you wrote from the heart.
did the baronet style
fan your love, or his smile?
'though he's proved he is not an old fart!
"
"my computer has so many spaces,
it could catalogue all human races.
for the animals too
(fungi may be taboo),
let the allocator safely choose places.
"
"it is strange what we hear in a name.
force of habit is, maybe, to blame.
breast of lamb we may eat.
chest of lamb isn't meat,
though no doubt it would taste just the same.
"
"way up on your horse you may sit,
looking noble, i have to admit.
but you're going so fast,
to the ground you'll be cast,
so you'd better pull hard on that bit.
"
"my old schoolmaster dear, much revered,
with moods strange, really odd, but not feared,
if you would, please be kind
to my tender behind
as your cane makes my eyes sadly teared.
"
"i have purchased a handsome young colt.
the cost caused my wife to revolt:
she lost her cool poise
and expressed such a noise
my dear horse was determined to bolt.
"
"i am under the care of my shrink;
just what is not letting me think?
is it only the fly
that's annoying my eye?
don't tell me i just need to blink.
"
"is there wonder the gentlemen fall
for the ladies, so winsome and tall,
who strew their fair tresses
o'er deep plunging dresses,
as they strut at the promenade ball?
"
"in verne's fiction did brave nellie bly
see a challenge she couldn't pass by.
eighty days the trek took
'round the world in his book,
which she cut by eight days in her try.
"
"when columbus had made his request,
laughed the spanish court, ""surely you jest!""
but queen isabella
thought, ""here's a smart fella,""
and gave him three ships to go west.
"
"back when lewis and clark trekked out west,
all the natives would bring out their best.
""serve them bison? no way!
that meat's eaten each day,
but roast dog's a rare treat for a guest.""
"
"for our country, we hoist the flag high
at the capitol. long may it fly!
there to serve our great nation,
through wise legislation,
is the best congress money can buy!
"
"i'm writing this verse to extol
all the brave men who bring up the coal.
they're at work before dawn
just to keep our lights on,
digging down in a dank, dirty hole.
"
"ezzard charles was a boxer sublime,
the best light-heavyweight of all time,
gaining greater renown
from the heavyweight crown
won (from walcott) when well past his prime.
"
"when the gop's under attack,
you hear class war from each party hack.
hey, the class warfare's done,
the rich people won.
can't you cut the poor workers some slack?
"
"cleopatra was queen of the nile;
she made caesar weak-kneed with her smile.
she revealed all her charms
in mark antony's arms,
but a clasp with an asp cramped her style.
"
"some say byng ill deserved what he got,
but the feeling against him was hot.
it was charged he was slack,
didn't press the attack,
but did he deserve to be shot?
"
"the first man to eat chicken (when he
tried to make his cave buddies agree
they would try some) had stood
and proclaimed, ""this is good!
hey, it tastes just like lizard to me!""
"
"the computer code writers proclaim,
""this a.i.'s solved the old checkers game.""
i fear one day we'll find
it's jumped over mankind,
and said, ""crown me! king a.i.'s my name.""
"
"for a headache or pain in the knee,
take an advil? down south? no, siree!
it seems that they're prouder
to use bc powder
chased down with a swig of rc.
"
"duke cunningham had lots of clout
in the congress?but crooked, no doubt!
for those who would pay,
he'd steer contracts their way.
now inside of a cell, he looks out.
"
"big bad wolf i am called, 'cause i blew
down the shack of a piglet or two.
i like ham, is that bad?
i would think you'd be glad,
for my help to combat the swine flu.
"
"pastor ted from his pulpit had raved,
""shun the sins of the flesh to be saved.""
his hypocrisy shown,
when the truth became known,
he's exposed as debauched and depraved.
"
"bacillophobia trouble your mind?
do a little research and you'll find,
there's not much you can do ?
you're more them than you're you!
and without them you'd be in a bind.
"
"chupacabras are creatures quite strange.
are space aliens roaming the range?
do such bloodsucking beasts
prowl the night for gore feasts?
are they merely coyotes with mange?
"
"the city of canton's a joke,
with a stench that's so foul you could choke.
folks there say, to be funny,
""it smells just like money.""
if that's true, i would rather be broke!
"
"no insulting abuse will i hurl,
nor reject good advice like a churl.
to good words i'll incline,
not like biblical swine
turn and rend those who cast me a pearl.
"
"to our diligent workshopping staff,
those who winnow the wheat from the chaff:
it seems sometimes a shame
that a lim bears my name,
when the fact is i only wrote half!
"
"a brown creeper loves snacking on all
tiny spiders and insects that crawl
on the tree he ascends
(with the bark his coat blends).
he's a bird that is threatened (and small).
"
"let the others add zing to their tucker
with a pickle that makes the mouth pucker.
bread and butter's my treat:
cukes turn sour and sweet;
leaving blandness, take savory succor.
"
"say a cook made a meal ? it's his best!
and you're eating it now ? just to test.
since his spices are nice,
all the flavors entice,
and your gut finds it smooth to digest!
"
"""casu marzu with dinner? well, sure!""
i exclaimed on my italy tour.
now my bowels are packed
and my anus is wracked
by the cheese avec maggots du jour.
"
"see the cups that are hanging below
the pine shelf in my house? did you know
some brass cup hooks up there
are what handsomely bear
my best china, all proudly on show?
"
"""i denounce the way some people pounce
on the way i've been taught to pronounce.
i am fraught at the thought
that they'll thwart or distort
my comport,"" she announced with a flounce.
"
"have you ever been shaved in seville,
by the barber whose shop's on the hill?
there's a paradox weird
'bout him shaving your beard
while his own beard is on-growing still.
"
"tell them not to believe evolution.
let us give them another solution.
preach the argument from
design with aplomb
and tell heathens they'll face retribution.
"
"you're anemic, dyspeptic, and swollen.
the pain's really bad in your colon.
a disease, aaa,
has you feeling this way?
like your life has been suddenly stolen.
"
"i want a baboon or a chimp,
but no matter how tightly i scrimp,
they're too dear.  a sea-monkey
is cheap and it's funky.
then sis said, ""they're brine shrimp, you simp!""
"
"kudos, chris strolin, for these;
you write them with elegant ease.
we're patiently waiting,
our breathing abating;
meanwhile, i'm catching some zzzs.
"
"constitutional rights now begin
to look alienable?tenuous, thin.
find that hard to believe?
well, you're being naive!
guard your rights, or the terrorists win.
"
"paying taxes? i might have been slack,
so the government's on the attack.
after taking my farm
and a leg and an arm,
now the irs taxes my back!
"
"""i have an announcement to make,""
said the cop (though he'd made a mistake).
""i inform with regrets
that our own new york jets
have today been consumed by a snake!""
"
"now i note a verse rendering pi,
within which the words strictly high-
light, adeptly encrypted,
how to get scripted
this number in digits. just try!
"
"my sister, the devious esther,
i've learned is a secret molester.
but how can i stop 'er?
alas, she's a copper?
so who will arrest the arrester?
"
"'tis the ambrein adding the bliss
in the ambergris loved by your miss.
it's a cinch to assume
she'd adore some perfume
(why, it might even earn you a kiss).
"
"a verse called an abecedarius
begins every line with the various
consecutive letters.
demanding, these fetters
encumber?it's rarely hilarious.
"
"autopilots are, oddly, for planes,
not for autos?and rarely for trains.
when these gadgets are set,
pilots fly to tibet
hardly using their hands or their brains.
"
"this bandwagon gathering steam
is a popular candidate's dream,
though unlikely to last
once they've dug up his past
with that under age cheerleading team.
"
"in butler the poet's fate's shown,
for he ended up poor and alone.
he wanted for bread,
but when he was dead
all he got in the end was a stone.
"
"agamemnon's mistake was to wrong
clytemnestra?her hatred was strong.
while before troy he fought,
she hatched her grim plot;
when he came home, he didn't last long.
"
"please come home, dear, and bring back my heart!
since you left me, i've just come apart!
my life's really come down
since you don't come aroun';
please come close and let's make a new start.
"
"it seems borden was quite a bright man.
to condense and can milk was his plan.
you want milk in your tea
though you're far out to sea,
but you can't bring a goat? bring a can!
"
"it seemed crush was a man of great vision
when he made a momentous decision:
""two trains on one track,
we'll make them go smack!""
the result was the great crush collision.
"
"banks's goat proved a creature of worth
on the two famous ships it had berth.
to supply milk for tea,
she had sailed on the sea,
making two complete trips 'round the earth.
"
"coprophiliacs seem to be bent:
they love excrement, thrill to its scent.
but it's hard to deny
they've a ready supply
wherever, whenever they've went.
"
"capablanca, jos? ra?l
in chess play was nobody's fool.
the grandmasters confess,
""he's the 'mozart of chess.'""
his classic games serve as their school.
"
"it was peaceful and quiet before
that damn rooster man moved in next door!
all night and all day,
his cocks crow away.
call the law, we can't take any more!
"
"agoge was old sparta's hard school;
it was rough, it was tough, it was cruel.
for an ""f"" in phys. ed.
they left you for dead.
in 300, they make it look cool.
"
"there once was a woman named dante
whose skirts were incredibly scante.
she would wear her bandeau
unbelievably leau
to eclipse any glimpse of her pante.
"
"a baldpate (american wigeon)
was mocked by a frivolous pigeon:
""that's a tonsure,"" he said,
""that you've got on your head.
what gives, did a duck get religion?""
"
"the condition called verbal apraxia
is terrible when it attacks ya.
it leaves you aghast
whhnnnn hha jnnghhhh ... blast!
tjruqk buhhh nghh ggggg wuhwuh wuh!
"
"there's this rabid old bigot who chants
vile antihomosexual rants.
he set out to upbraid
the town's gay pride parade?
betrayed by the bulge in his pants.
"
"let me share a mysterious word.
the sole definition i've heard,
""like the articles,"" lacks
certain meaningful facts.
that's what altrical means?  how absurd!
"
"autobiopics might be myopic,
for the screenwriter serves as the topic.
to riches from rags?
well, the truth often sags
when the subject is too misanthropic.
"
"it's the night before christmas; i'm tired!
yet with eight cups of coffee, i'm wired.
in the depths of despair,
like all parents, i swear:
""damn that claus ? 'some assembly required'!""
"
"customarily, jews will employ
the preferred hebrew word, adonai
(with the meaning ""my lord""),
often prayed turning toward
him in gratitude, sorrow or joy.
"
"when your horse draws up short of a gate
and won't jump, it's already too late.
mine gave it a glance,
neighed, ""whoa, buddy, fat chance!""
and committed a balk. got that straight?
"
"the ad-men might think we've gone mad here,
but will all want to stick in their ad here.
if they want a location
with vast circulation,
the indecent exposure's not bad here.
"
"when you sense a fresh wind from behind
and you're running, do please have in mind:
if your backstay's too loose,
it's a rigging misuse
and dismasted you'll be, and maligned.
"
"we have recently suffered from theft.
of value we have nothing left.
they took grandma's clock
and my favourite sock.
of the things that we like we're bereft.
"
"good order is kept on the street
by our keepers of peace, on their feet.
police constable plod
is the likeable bod
who calls for respect on his beat.
"
"an article grows in my head,
but the references yet to be read
mean it hasn't been written,
that erudite bit on
a subject some centuries dead.
"
"need we search for a chef of repute?
flaky pastry with lots of dried fruit
is how grandma would make
the best banbury cake.
so just offer our cook a salute!
"
"the subscription, twelve dollars p.a.,
(that's per annum the long-winded way)
equals one monthly dollar.
hard to find a sub smaller,
but it suits my so miserly way.
"
"of mechanics up here there's a drought
and the engine has stopped. there's no doubt
we're in trouble acute?
hurry, strap on your 'chute
as it's time for us both to bail out.
"
"when it hurts and you can't get to sleep,
it's so bad you are wanting to weep,
get your doctor to peer
at that pain in your ear
with his auriscope; he'll take a peep.
"
"if friends are so close they abut
but their chat is confined to ""tut tut""
at poor jokes not too rude
for a pious old prude,
then my contact with them may be cut.
"
"my abdominal pain is because
my cat caught a germ in his paws.
he transmitted the bug
while receiving a hug.
was it entrail of rat in those claws?
"
"in the last battle narnia's fraught
with imposters within and is brought
to its knees by invaders.
our friends foil these raiders
then aslan makes new worlds, from nought.
"
"here some children learn life is not fair?
chased by bullies, they find the king's lair.
aslan helps them to find
one who's losing his mind
as he's kept in a big silver chair.
"
"first the dawn treader quests to find friends
that are lost, then the voyage extends.
they find him in the east,
where their world edge has ceased ?
he shares: ""quest to know me at worlds' ends.""
"
"now to narnia we will return,
where the pevensie children will learn
that the throne's been upset!
but great aslan will get
what prince caspian surely did earn.
"
"having narnia sole in the world
was not lewis's plan. others hurled
their hard hate and did roam
against exiles bound home:
thus the horse and his boy tale's unfurled.
"
"in this book lewis sets out the scene:
there are worlds with a wood in between.
nephew digory brings
the magician's charmed rings?
he wants mum's health through aslan's vaccine.
"
"these great suppositional tales
have achieved worldwide fame and large sales.
this series of seven
has allusions to heaven,
where justice o'er evil prevails.
"
"when you're worried by needs, and depressed,
it's the feeling of angst you've accessed.
if the yearning for gain
is engendering pain,
your requirements should be reassessed.
"
"acetabulum? this i confess:
its two meanings i never would guess.
it's the joint near your thigh,
plus a tiny supply,
maybe one-eighth a pint, more or less.
"
"age of reason in rhythm and rhyme ?
thomas paine would enrage (in a prime
work polemic) some theists,
whilst supporting some deists ?
from ridiculous to the sublime?
"
"the young grifter's proposed dirty deal
was misleading, the dishonest heel.
his bad faith guarantee
was intended for me,
but i saw what he tried to conceal.
"
"an achievement test claims it can show
what you've learned and may still need to know:
a proficiency test
with which you're assessed
for the standards you've fallen below.
"
"a wild bull in a china shop's aisle
moves aggressively, slipping on tile;
when his clumsy horns shake,
all the dishes will break.
bovine barging leaves bisque in a pile.
"
"painful medical tests, by design,
are a series to see if i'm fine.
doc's intent is to help,
but rough probes make me yelp.
seems this battery isn't benign.
"
"my bemusement was starting to show:
dazed confusion, with no place to go.
my blind date never came.
i, upset and in shame,
asked the waiter if he'd be my beau.
"
"in a blinding high wind, while it snowed,
four wheel drive's tough abilities showed:
in a blizzard, a jeep,
faced with drifts six feet deep,
plowed right through with no need to be towed.
"
"stacked with secondhand tomes, some once banned,
on a side street in town is a stand.
it's a bookstall, small scale,
where used books are for sale.
it's a bibliophile's promised land.
"
"teenaged girls can be vicious and vile.
""former friend"" is expelled with a smile.
banned and banished, she falls;
no more trips to the malls.
she's been blackballed for shoes out of style.
"
"with a tail, legs, and mane all of black
and a reddish-brown shade front to back,
that bay was a steed
whose magic and speed
saved rinaldo from charles's attack.
"
"get your toilet bowl leak to abate.
turn the ball valve until it is straight.
grip the handle with ease.
turn it ninety degrees.
cut the water supply off. don't wait!
"
"to the flag, our allegiance we pledge,
though some atheists strongly will hedge.
they'd delete god, the word;
to this faith, they've demurred:
""god and state must be cleaved with a wedge!""
"
"appetitions are longings that pique:
prehend shivam, for goodness you seek;
you're driven by duty
towards sundaram (beauty)
and satyam (the truth, so to speak).
"
"pity the prisoner acquitted
yet imprisoned still, till he'd submitted
to the sheriff a fee
as his price to be free:
'twas a bar fee, by custom permitted.
"
"in accounting, she made a huge error;
being new, she was stricken with terror.
it's an honest mistake
any person could make?
i would hope for her sake that they spare her.
"
"our robot did chores for my wife,
but last week it went wielding a knife!
a mad bot gone amuck
made our mundane world suck ?
so our a-life was swapped for a life.
"
"""in 'she's fat,'"" explained tom, ""fat's a predicate.
in 'fat hos are a potent emetic' it
is attributive, steve.""
(tom's strengths, i believe,
lie rather in grammar than etiquette.)
"
"""like a coke?"" smiled the new girl, fran dow,
that first lunchtime at pepsico. how
her new co-workers jawed
in shocked horror. ""good lawd!
did that girl use the c-word just now?""
"
"the voluptuous torso of dottie?
what a body!  she's really a hottie.
i once sneaked a peek,
and it made my knees weak.
(it turns out that she teaches karate.)
"
"an american writer of fame
lives today, and won critics' acclaim
by composing keen plays
earning pulitzer praise.
each line here is a clue to his name.
"
"we've disrouted them time and again,
but the zombies, sans brains, can't be slain.
though we slash all their throats
and they thrash in our moats,
the undead still come back. what a pain!
"
"do your flower beds look rather bare?
get some bedding plants?show you have flair.
if you buy many boxes
of stocks, pansies, phloxes,
they'll believe you're a millionaire!
"
"if long hair isn't proving much fun?
by your friends you are being outdone?
with ribbons embroil it,
plait it and coil it
in the nape of your neck in a bun.
"
"i had foresight and backsight in line;
the cool hand on the trigger was mine.
it was more than a whim
to assassinate him;
so i pulled, and he's dead now, the swine.
"
"mathematicians take slices from cones
giving shapes with long names, causing groans.
they have arcuate edges,
so my maths tutor pledges
in his senior wrangler's stiff tones.
"
"that acardiac girl won't be wooed.
at my amorous song she just booed.
she's so heartless, you see;
not a kind word for me.
for my love she can never be food.
"
"i wish our affair hadn't started:
it has left me so hurt, brokenhearted.
can't you see that i find
your sharp words are unkind?
i am glad we have been far aparted.
"
"for improvement i have a great yearning
in the hope it will better my earning.
eggs and bacon just last
until breakfast has passed;
must try bacon's advancement of learning.
"
"i had kept that bad news to my heart;
now i see our cool plan fall apart.
well, she cannot pretend
that she's just a good friend
by upsetting the whole applecart.
"
"define this? i really cannot,
and this verse will assist not-a-lot.
and i'll cheerfully grant
that the reason i can't
is that frankly i don't give a jot.
"
"living blood is a colourful hue,
if you bleed you will see this is true.
corpuscles are red
(and white, it is said),
but blood royal is most certainly blue!
"
"the bearing walls always are found
'tween the upper floors' weight and the ground.
set at ninety degrees
to the rafters' line, these
keep the  building from being unsound.
"
"when your teenager fails to arise
and refuses to open her eyes,
toss a bucket of water.
it's bracing for daughter,
an enlivening, rousing surprise.
"
"in their habitat, haddock (marine),
or atlantic red perch can be seen.
this bergylt's head is spiny.
fish are mottled when tiny,
but when grown, rosefish glow with a sheen.
"
"when in brackish brown water, please note
that to swallow may cause you to bloat.
this undrinkable tea
has less salt than the sea,
so you're also less likely to float.
"
"an old man in the blacksmithing trade
once explained how his horseshoes were made:
heat the iron?bend quickly,
hammer smoothly and slickly,
nail the plate to the hoof where it's laid.
"
"the fraternity's status annoys,
since their standards demand men of poise;
yet acceptance gets granted
(when financially slanted):
it's admissive of well-funded boys.
"
"a big business's year is retired
at an annual meeting (required).
while the stockholders vote
on issues of note,
the directors' report is admired.
"
"the promotion of volumes for sale,
like dan brown's new conspiracy tale,
forms the bookselling trade,
where vast fortunes are made
just by retailing christ's holy grail.
"
"when an angel with wings and white gown
hovered calmly, removing my frown,
i was joyfully new
(and ecstatically, too)
as she smiled beatifically down.
"
"highway carcasses biodegrade
when bacteria eat what cars slayed.
dead raccoons slowly rot,
decompose on the spot,
yet the  buzzards eat all, unsauteed.
"
"in my kitchen, one fixture's design
has a long, slender rod made of pine.
on this half-inch thick dowel
is a roll ? paper towel ?
to mop up mistakes (never mine).
"
"through a wardrobe, four children will go
to a land some may choose not to know.
it's a magical tale
where the witch won't prevail,
and the lion defeats every foe.
"
"while afoot down ol' limerick street:
""hi, my friend. how are you?"" note the beat?
two steps short,  then one long,
i keep pace to a song,
skipping lightly on anapest feet.
"
"human urges that burn just like fire
prompt material greed all too dire.
some fight it to see
what pure spirit should be:
true ascetics spurn need and desire.
"
"fashionistas? they're bashin' and trashin';
for designers they show no compassion.
with no pity for those
who designed clothes for shows,
these same ""clothes-hos"" cash in on their fashion.
"
"athanasius wouldn't let go
till he brought rival arius low.
just a jot was enough
for the pair to get rough?
one iota of difference: like/so.
"
"the mandelbrot set was derived ?
in its complex quadratic-contrived
polynomial form ?
to repeat as a norm:
with self-similar fractals revived.
"
"if passing exams is your aim,
the compare and contrast you must tame.
sources vary, so learn
to precisely discern
what's alike, and what's not quite the same.
"
"""you're belligerent,"" that's what they say.
but it's false, a damn lie.  they betray
their opinion of me
when they do not agree,
so i'll fight for the right to my way.
"
"mankind's civilizations all fan
common cultural forms for our clan.
we have fears: ""who are we ?
minds, machines, dreams ? all three?
did some natural law plot this plan?""
"
"the bank robber's speech was abrupt.
he was brusk. he said, ""don't interrupt!
i've a gun! give me cash!""
then he fled in a flash,
long before the alarms could erupt.
"
"on a breathless hot day, mother took
a small chicken, quite young by its look.
mama's oven glowed red
from the heat overhead.
oh, my! how that broiler could cook.
"
"over time, intermixing of races
has created new classes of faces.
like light through a prism,
biracialism
makes beauties the world now embraces.
"
"a new breadboard, on which dough is kneaded,
should be hardwood, if custom is heeded.
you won't need so much dough
to buy plastic, but know
that your bread slicing may be impeded.
"
"the resentment was clear on her face.
she said, ""i'm not the cheat in this case.""
stiff-necked, she restrained
her wrath and complained
as she bridled against the disgrace.
"
"on a spring afternoon, i adore
simply browsing for books in a store.
not intending to buy,
""i'm just looking,"" say i,
and the clerk lets me stay to explore.
"
"if there's one in the household whose pay
your expenses will largely defray?
to the working stiff who
is your breadwinner true?
a big ""thanks"" is a good thing to say.
"
"when the copier goes on the fritz
and the printer jam sets you in fits,
time to call it a day.
hang it up. walk away.
lock the door. close up shop. call it quits.
"
"afrocentrists would like to assail
eurocentrists' unbalanced old tale:
most world history lacks
vital african facts,
so they lobby until they prevail.
"
"muscularity stretching his shirt
(which was sweaty and stained) made her blurt,
""his rough brawniness there
and his strength made me stare.
great physique, but i don't like the dirt.""
"
"""you're corroding my patience!"" he snapped
at his student who wasn't quite apt.
""put the acid in this,
not your mouth, silly miss,
or you'll be most acerbically zapped!""
"
"over six thousand meters in height
and capped by fresh snow pure and white,
high peaks of the andes,
like chocolate candies,
are chile's cool pearls of delight.
"
"most plants naturally need to grow roots,
not to mention some buds and some shoots.
in this, auxin will aid
if its work's not betrayed:
antiauxin the growing disputes.
"
"the ship is away from the port;
its cannon are pointing athwart.
that vessel afloat,
as a sea-going boat,
is at sea or asea (that's for short).
"
"if a country is ruled by just one,
protestation is met with a gun.
autocratic's the rule
in an autarchy cruel,
and el jefe, he has all the fun.
"
"methinks this cannot really be.
yet no rime for an article wee!
an identifies stuff,
but not cuff, puff, or bluff.
it precedes vowel sounds, you will see.
"
"abkhazia, the breakaway region,
is georgian, not dutch or norwegian.
autonomy lacking
once led to attacking
that brought in a un peace legion.
"
"when the dog days of august are done,
the south's been well scorched by the sun.
the eighth month of the year
is a time when we fear
that it's too hot for work or for fun.
"
"there's a continent unlike the rest;
only scientists think it the best.
why on earth have they chosen
a landmass so frozen?
the ice is precise, they'll attest.
"
"have you found when you're visiting nations,
like those of croatians or haitians,
you change your cash, but
the exchange takes a cut?
it's an agio for their quotations.
"
"born italian, i wed, and that's when
i became a swiss citizen; then
they denaturalized me?
stripped that status, you see?
now i'm only italian again.
"
"ablation's an int'resting word
for ""precision excision,"" i've heard.
""ablate!"" said the surgeon.
""her hormones are surgin'!
it looks like my golf's been deferred.""
"
"each maternity ward needs a star,
one whose skills and whose wit take him far.
ours employs an ob,
juan kenobi. says he:
""may the forceps be with you."" (har, har!)
"
"our color sarn't's wife is a nag,
and she scolds him and says he's a fag,
but he's always consoled
(what a sight to behold!)
when he leads us while bearing our flag.
"
"there's a word that i learned today, cline,
that i'll try in this rhyme to define:
it's ""a gradual change
seen across any range,""
and not patsy, whose songs were divine.
"
"frau dench said, ""herr french is a mensch;
hence, it's clear that all menschen are french.""
the two lines penned above
provide one sample of
elench (no, it's not said ""uh-lench"").
"
"pa liked gnawing on chaw, although ""gah!
all that chewing is crude, pa!"" cawed ma.
""the brown drool down your chin
is a source of chagrin ?
it is gross and a grievous faux pas!""
"
"cuprous coin minting's truly immense,
yet it's done with extensive expense,
for the copper, they say,
cannot pay its own way.
does production show really bad sense?
"
"""to measure light's speed's a tough deed,
and an etalon's what we might need,
like the fabry-perot
type of instrument, no?""
""yes, let's try that device, it's agreed.""
"
"my old fence had a fatal design,
so the builder i had to malign.
for the fine cyprine planks
i have given my thanks,
but the posts were just common old pine.
"
"how expressions like arrgh should be spelled,
no one knows, but it's sure that they're yelled.
in misspeaking a line
or in reading bad rhyme
saying, ""aargh!"" will leave enmity quelled.
"
"the pastured old horse seemed to say,
""neigh, i don't want to gallop for ay.
ay me!  i'm so tired;
so much has transpired
since your auction 'ay!' bought this young bay.""
"
"roll a rollicking rhotic that's written
with rr, and the gals will be smitten.
your alveolar trill
will produce such a thrill
in a sexy hispanic young kitten.
"
"of swiss cantons that start with an a,
kanton aargau's a fave, i must say.
with aare the river,
and seat aarau ? a sliver
of spelling that's a-a-okay!
"
"aaron's sons, kohanim of the jews,
wore sashes in purple-blue hues.
priestly vestments round waists,
these abnets were placed
to be holy?but priests all skipped shoes.
"
"born in ghana, 1938,
kofi annan transcends that small state.
he heads up the un,
where his tenure has been,
for the peace of the world, quite first rate.
"
"portuguese (now chinese) port macau,
doesn't use china's unit, the jiao.
in this land near malacca,
a yuan's a pataca,
and the cents are called avos, i'll vow.
"
"oh, my god!  oh, the death and depravity!
that bomb turned the school to a cavity!
it was meant for the pier,
but its azimuth veer
may make rummy say, ""oops, there went gravity!""
"
"the pilot up high in the sky,
his engines beginning to die,
said with rue, ""and i swear!
who puts car fuel where
only avgas goes?! (sputter) goodbye!""
"
"heinrich heine, on morphine, once said,
""sleep is good, but i'd rather be dead.
frankly speaking, i hate
that i'm born to await
nothing more than my fate in this bed.""
"
"it is true, you're about to find out,
that about can be shortened, no doubt.
first, for 'circa', there's c.;
for 'regarding', there's re;
and for either of those, there's abt.
"
"three banditas who'd ordered fajitas
(veg and meat in tortillas, not pitas)
when served with, instead,
something crawling, on bread,
unleashed juan and juanita, twin cheetahs.
"
"sometimes anapest causes me rage,
much like fighting the bars of a cage.
then i find lines that drum
""da da dum da da dum,""
and i feel like a limerick sage!
"
"the atlantis's erstwhile space shuttlin'
has ended forever. its scuttlin'
was later than planned
as replacements were canned.
it's too late now to get a rebuttal in.
"
"i abused cigarettes, crack, and chronic,
but the drugs abused me (how ironic).
my airway's inflamed,
my alveoli maimed.
labored breathing now makes me laconic.
"
"your body has enzymes designed
to disbind dna strands entwined.
it's a job i would choose
since i'd never refuse
to unzip any genes i can find.
"
"""for depression, dhea's here,""
this hormone's enthusiasts cheer.
""it's a fountain of youth!""
are they telling the truth?
that's a claim that's unproven, i fear.
"
"the songs of this folk-hero singer,
a pied piper of sorts, a real zinger,
broadened music and minds
and addressed many kinds
of large issues: bob dylan, humdinger!
"
"our passion is god and his love,
our purpose: good comes from above.
our principle's golden.
persevere through prayer: bolden
priority?god's hand in our glove.
"
"she's a birdbrain (of low iq score).
when her neighbour collapsed on the floor,
she just left him alone ?
didn't reach for the phone:
""he said, 'call 9-1-&lt;gak&gt;.' nothing more.""
"
"let's discolorate eggshells with dye!
whatcha mean, you don't understand why?
oh, good lord, don't be dense!
why, it makes perfect sense!
a big bunny will hide 'em nearby.
"
"democratically, we gave permission
by ballot for that politician
to win the campaign.
have we voted in vain?
why'd the other guy get the position?
"
"""discoherent,"" he scoffed, ""and a crime
is a limerick whose pattern of rhyme
goes abacc
and is anapest-free.
i refuse, sir, to give it my time!""
"
"thought the fellow who limped from the bar,
""best admire the chicks from afar.
though the fight was a draw,
my dislocated jaw
means i can't talk 'em into my car.""
"
"as a student, i just don't see how
i'll commit to a decade-long vow
to ace class after class?
if i really kiss ass,
would you give me that doctorate now?
"
"""a delightable child!"" lied she,
while holding the boy on her knee
as he kicked, screamed, and bit.
and his mother, the twit,
beamed with pride and did not disagree.
"
"when a king dies, his heir (a relation)
inherits his title and station.
'fore the king hits the grave,
his successor will save
the crown for his own coronation.
"
"is your kid not your kid?  well, i'd guess
he's a changeling.  now fairies possess
the real tyke that you loved
while in his place they've shoved
this deformed, ugly, dim-witted mess.
"
"while many a farmer will sow garlic
and for cooking and selling will grow garlic,
there's an ""avian"" type
that escapes all the hype.
more an onion grown wild, it's crow garlic.
"
"laid by rooster and hatched by a toad,
to the basilisk terror is owed.
crumbling rocks with its breath,
it stares victims to death,
and by weasels alone is it slowed.
"
"some people, they like their puns runny,
for puns on the runs are quite funny.
such dextrous dictation
is adnomination ?
you might even think that it's punny.
"
"if you're searching for evergreen vines,
find a flowering climber that twines
five-leafed foliage high,
forty feet in the sky:
an akebia fits these designs.
"
"her neckwear was always in fashion,
for lustrous silk scarves were her passion.
alamode kept her hot ?
that's the fabric, and not
a delicious and cold ice-cream ration.
"
"when a guy does his best to apply
one thing to another he'll try
to affix, or attach,
adhere to, or patch
with a tool that you'll find left nearby.
"
"there's another great meaning of a
william shakespeare employed in his day.
pronouns it, he, and she
a wrote often, though he
sometimes called his nouns a in this way.
"
"censor appius caesus would roam
on a via he built near his home.
on this appian way
he could honestly say
that from there all the roads led to rome.
"
"when a guy does his best to apply
a lacquer to wood he will try
to spread it on flat.
if it doesn't, then that
means his fool applicator's awry.
"
"to five carbons conjoined end to end,
each h forms an angular bend.
ten and one in amount,
they make compounds we count
as the parts of the paraffin trend.
"
"""my god said so,"" she claimed in debate,
and her thinking was really first-rate:
belief is the particle
forming an article
of faith that thou shalt not negate.
"
"the house can appropriate money.
bill to bills ? don't you think it quite funny
that congressional pains
for fiduciary gains
keep the lobbyists feeling so sunny?
"
"our old irish rebel (a fenian)
got two given names: he's eugene ian.
when his crimes were policed,
ian moved to the east
and lived meanly, but free, as armenian.
"
"on the caspian coast, in baku,
plus some neighboring areas too,
live a folk, the azeri,
whose language is very
much azerbaijani to you.
"
"a coquette whose flirtations were brash
met a handsome young butcher whose stash
of pork sausage and spuds
made him man among studs
as a lover of bangers and mash.
"
"an aluminous ore can contain
a bauxitic alumina grain,
aluminic gray rock,
certain alums (no shock!)
or some stone of a similar vein.
"
"""quite a few"" is well known as a lot,
oft misspelled as one word though it's not.
alot is an error
that's not getting rarer
and may need its own oedilf slot.
"
"the ashanti made ghana their home
on the coast near the vast ocean's foam.
if they travel, far-flung,
then their akan (kwa) tongue
carries quite the same name as they roam.
"
"sometimes states try to cut off their trade,
and all outside exchange they evade.
the tough laws they've imposed
form economies closed
and their autarky thence is displayed.
"
"an awl is a tool that can bore,
but it also can bring about gore.
if you poke at your wife
or a foe in some strife:
awl's fair both in love and in war.
"
"a fine araucaria tree
has subulate leaves, you'll agree.
this coniferous green
has been natively seen
by australians and men who say ?s?!
"
"well...in music, the word anacrusis
???????? refers to a note one produces
???????? in an upbeat one plays
???????? just to ""pickup"" a phrase,
?????????which, so doing, the line introduces.
"
"this novel is thrilling!  (and how!)
but i'm down to the epilogue now,
where the loose ends are tied.
i must soon lay aside
this fine tale with a grin and say, ""wow!""
"
"at the race down in old nascar valley,
from the backstretch we watched the finale,
but, disgusted, we found
why our seats (near the ground)
had been long known as ""chicken bone alley.""
"
"epic poems gave homer his fame,
and for virgil and dante:  the same.
these acclaimed poets tell
how their heroes braved hell
to find kingdoms to name or reclaim.
"
"the chiefs always know what to do
when young officers don't have a clue.
in rough seas or fine weather,
they hold ships together
with spit, tar, tobacco, and glue.
"
"for the etymological geek,
there's a prefix we've taken from greek.
it means ""near,"" ""over,"" ""on,""
""at,"" ""before,"" or ""upon"":
epicentral to language we speak.
"
"false gharial, african dwarf,
cuban, freshwater (no salty wharf),
siamese, mugger, nile:
crocodylidae smile
as into assassins they morph.
"
"joe heller says ""catch-22""
is a logical snare in which you
will be damned if you don't,
if you do, will, or won't?
so just do what they tell you to do.
"
"a dhampir has a pedigree dire:
mortal mom and a vampire sire.
if a villager dies
and then tries to arise,
call this vampire-killer-for-hire.
"
"the plague in king's novel the stand
is a virus spread over the land:
a severe epidemic
that causes systemic
collapse as it gets out of hand.
"
"lonely ted, who camped out in a shed
and had no one to share food or bed,
hid from love and brave deeds.
now his epitaph reads,
""here lies ted.  never lived.  now he's dead.""
"
"when the buirdly young scot in the kilt
lost his balance and started to tilt,
with his tartan askew,
it was clear from the view
he was burly and very well built.
"
"when you need a day off, here's the trick:
don't be shy.  you must lay it on thick.
tell them you're indisposed
with a flu undisclosed.
go ahead. phone the boss. call in sick.
"
"with ability grouping, a teacher
puts suzy where lessons will reach her
(other kids with like skills
work with sue on these drills);
homogeneous placement's a feature.
"
"""i am grateful,"" says he.  ""now, goodbye.""
""yes, and thanks for the thank you,"" say i.
""no, thank you,"" he insists?
with an extra, persists?
adding one adjectitious reply.
"
"the main anchor delivers our news
in a show to inform and amuse,
but that tv reporter
can't lie or distort, or
our confidence soon he will lose.
"
"one must catalog books with respect
to the subjects they clearly reflect,
since the headings will lead
searching patrons to heed
needed books they might elsewise neglect.
"
"i assumed an aggressive new stance
when my pal asked my date, ""shall we dance?""
i bristled with rage.
how dare he upstage
my clumsy first stabs at romance!
"
"if you don't want to miss conversations,
sign up for quick notifications.
a call waiting beep
makes your phone bill quite steep,
but you'll never miss new revelations.
"
"a new author must duck those who sneer
(such as critics whose rancor is clear)
lest he tend to subscribe
to each cruel diatribe,
stung by brickbats intended to smear.
"
"take a flat plastic sheet every day.
pay for lunch.  slide along the buffet:
mac and cheese, soggy fries,
sloppy joe, beef pot pies.
fill your school cafeteria tray.
"
"kofi annan, our dear un friend,
in two thousand and four had a trend
that he termed not so great;
no mirabilis trait
helped his annus horribilis end.
"
"the word aurum from latin means ""gold"",
a soft metal we yearn to behold.
long its beckoning gleam
has made many men seem
much like miserly midas of old.
"
"in founding our modern-day turkey,
k. atat?rk made the turks perky.
from an ottoman land,
he quite carefully planned
a more westernized state not as quirky.
"
"when the fat guy the young lasses faced,
he grew red and embarrassed: abaist.
and the source of his shame?
'twas his heavyset frame
and their giggles on seeing his waist.
"
"when you add one and one, ""about three""
is a close enough answer for me.
all i got from my wife
was a ""not on your life!""
she's exact on the meaning of we.
"
"""i, uh...want to go out on a date?""
stammered raj to his sought-after mate.
""but my wards?"" she replied.
""leave them be; they'll abide.
you're their ayah, i know, but they'll wait.""
"
"poppa's brother was born as a dame,
but soon she grew sick of her frame.
auntie hated all chicks,
so she got a quick fix:
antiwoman, my uncle became.
"
"no one else.  i am here all alone.
no one writes.  no one calls on the phone.
to be lonely, my plight,
deep in solitude's night.
through the darkness, i cry out and moan.
"
"when a substance with vinegar's mated,
an acidified mixture's created.
when this case has occurred,
there's a chemical word
that describes it: it's then acetated.
"
"high school classes today aren't enough
to bring ivy-bound kids up to snuff.
advanced placement is now
how the applicants wow
with their knowledge of college course stuff.
"
"roger federer: best of all time?
he plays tennis described as sublime,
mixing power with grace,
and precision that's ace ?
there were few that compared in his prime.
"
"carbofuran (curater's one brand)
is a pesticide currently banned
by a handful of nations:
just small concentrations
suffice to kill birds, understand?
"
"in the queue at an art exhibition,
i lay down in the foetal position.
curled up tight, i thought, ""maybe
they'll think i'm a baby
and spare me the price of admission.""
"
"""i was?figuratively speaking?just dyin'
of hunger. so why're you still cryin'?""
jane sniffled, ""?'cause, pete,
when you said you could eat
a whole horse, i di'n't think you meant brian.""
"
"i'm a gentleman, suave, well-to-do;
on my promises i'll follow through.
so don't think it absurd
when i keep to my word
and pen verse about pee-pee and poo.
"
"a foolish young fenian named mick
lost his life to a dynamite stick:
set the fuse far too short,
leading others to snort,
""now if only the brits were as thick!""
"
"my even-toed ungulate's piggies
help him run, walk and stand (but not dig). he's
a cloven-hoofed swine,
so his trotters (like mine)
each consist of two stumps and two biggies.
"
"this wee nick on my cheek from a razor
hurt me more than the excimer laser
in my eye. but the worst
pain by far (heck, i cursed!)
was the zap from a cop with a taser.
"
"ferromagnet spins point the same way;
ferrimagnet spins alternate. they
have a net moment, while
the afm style
is a perfectly cancelled array.
"
"you promised this place was a live spot!
this sleazy old bar's a real dive. spot
the grime on the walls;
smell the washroom's foul stalls?
and this undersized beer cost a five-spot!
"
"half-integer spin? it's a fermion?
be it lepton, neutrino, or thermion.
its life is quixotic;
its title: exotic!
you've heard of a quark?but a skyrmion?
"
"""these 'delta rays' sound a bit phoney,""
mused eminent prof. g. j. stoney.
""electrons, kicked out,
knock a few more about?
why invent a new name? sheer baloney!""
"
"bill proton felt pinched. ""my dear marge,
what's the price of a whiskey?a large?""
""it's five pounds, i think...yup,
as the price has gone up,
but for you, mr p., it's fixed charge!""
"
"""my firstborn,"" said chan, ""is a rock;
he's my eldest, a man of good stock!
as for number two son?
promise much, produce none,
just a chip masquerading as block.""
"
"the element iron (fe)
has allotropes numbering three.
but for structural steel,
(which we use a great deal!)
it's the ?-phase, ferrite, that's key.
"
"fibre optics: the use of long sections
of glass to guide light-ray reflections.
high-speed information
criss-crosses the nation,
a telecom web of connections.
"
"a molecule's measured polarity
we can state in debyes. now, for clarity:
distance d times charge q
gives the value of ?,
the extent of the charges' disparity.
"
"how i wish that a photon eject me
from my valence abode, and deflect me
not too far from the ground;
i remain coulomb bound
to a hole. now just try and detect me!
"
"magneto, as was his proclivity,
tested magnets for low coercivity
by increasing the field
till each substance would yield
to his h-field-induced destructivity.
"
"a water, sir? still, or with gas?
if you like, i'll put lime in your glass,
for those who have tried rate
my ""calcium hydrate""
so highly they drink it en masse.
"
"epileptic convulsions ain't fun,
and the docs don't know why they've begun.
now my work and my leisure's
been plagued by wild seizures?
the stress of which leaves me undone.
"
"any servant attempting to scold
the duke's son, who was seven years old,
would then cringingly flinch
and back down, inch by inch,
as the brat let his fury unfold.
"
"""et tu, brute?"" said caesar, the day
that his friend threw his honor away
and destroyed caesar's life
at the point of a knife.
a true quote?  well, it works in the play.
"
"the inspector shrieked, ""health violation!
disgusting!  this dive's on probation!
you put that on a plate
when it dates from '08?
even rats would choose flat-out starvation!""
"
"hail the earth gods from pantheons past!
though their harvests fed continents vast,
and they boosted fertility,
strength, and virility,
new gods have seen them outclassed.
"
"the dowagerism of mary?
rich widow of herbert, then harry?
commands our respect,
and you'd be quite correct
if you found the old broad a bit scary.
"
"the bakeneko comes from japan.
it's a mythical feline that can
with a leap raise the dead
or replace 'em instead,
usurping their lives for a span.
"
"to damn: to condemn to the pit
or to deem something bad or unfit.
a dam is a mama
of goat, horse or llama;
some dams compel rivers to sit.
"
"aesop, with fables didactic,
taught kids right from wrong?a good tactic?
but critics complain
that his plots are inane,
and his morals are anticlimactic.
"
"a down feather's close to the skin,
so a gander is warm, tail to chin.
rob the bird of this plumule
and i will assume you'll
stuff bedding, then slumber therein.
"
"acarologists harbor a passion
for bugs that are hardly in fashion.
acaridans' bites
(those of ticks and of mites)
keep us itchin' and scratchin' and thrashin'.
"
"""elementary, dear watson!"" he said,
as he worked it all out in his head.
""'tisn't hard in the least!
why, this baskerville beast
simply glows in the dark.  what's to dread?""
"
"the pagan, when forced to convert,
be a christian, and cast to the dirt
every god and tradition,
said, ""hell with perdition!
dechristianize, guys!  let's desert!""
"
"billy's house is atrocious inside,
but its curb appeal can't be denied,
so a gullible browser
might buy if he wows her
with internet pics that misguide.
"
"said a master of high demonology,
""why would anyone study astrology?
demonologers plot
in one five-sided spot
and control all the fiends of theology.""
"
"""i am driven,"" he cried, ""to obtain.
to collect?or to hoard?is my bane.
though my wife says, 'enough!
go get rid of that stuff!'
she's a pack rat, so she can't complain.""
"
"to devastate means to abuse,
to lay waste, or to wound (not just bruise).
add a d and you reach
a whole new part of speech
to describe one who's gotten bad news.
"
"chupacabra:  a beast whose persistence
in drinking goat's blood for subsistence
became the sole claim
to its x-files fame...
but we still cannot prove its existence.
"
"""depend upon no one,"" he said,
""to keep you or pay for your bread.
you want something for free?
darling, don't look at me,
'cause i'm broke, love, and chivalry's dead.""
"
"fed up with his antics onstage,
the clown cried, ""i must act my age!
the despitefulness here
when the kids scream and jeer
isn't worth earning minimum wage.""
"
"kitty purrs at the head of my bed;
at the foot snorts my terrier, fred.
to my right snores a whore,
to my left snores one more?
and the old ball and chain's in the shed.
"
"that there six-footer's quite the big feller!
one look and yer pants'd turn yeller.
but a three-foot-tall midget
could bite off yer digit
and bury it deep in yer cellar.
"
"i'd say kenny burrell is the top
jazz guitarist of bluesy hard bop.
midnight blue shows his grooves
and guitar forms his moves?
but his jimmy smith jams make me hop!
"
"my husband persists with endorsing
the lie that the main climate forcing
is a natural one:
excess heat from the sun.
(he burns coal just for fun. we're divorcing.)
"
"the fermi-dirac distribution
describes, without circumlocution,
the fermion count
in a state?an amount
that depends on kt. great solution!
"
"on the roof, tim, you lie, lazy jerk?
and don't tell me your climb there was ""work""!
though you've energy of position,
you're lacking ambition:
it's energy of motion you shirk!
"
"there's a turd at the foot of the stairs.
and as usual, nobody cares.
'neath the first step it lies,
entertaining the flies.
now, will someone admit that it's theirs?
"
"humphrey whipped off my trilby and sat on it?
making quite sure his plump rump would flatten it.
overcome with chagrin
at my hat crumpled thin,
i snaffled his shoe and i?spat on it.
"
"my chromatographic techniques
are the envy of chemistry geeks.
i separate mixtures
in hour-long fixtures?
a task that can take others weeks.
"
"in physics the cross section matters:
it's the chance that a particle scatters,
or absorbs, or reflects;
or in some way connects
with a target (left whole or in tatters).
"
"sir, i always shoot straight from the hip.
on that rawhide, i keep a firm grip.
your old cowhand's a clown.
me, i won't let you down:
i deserve a fair crack of the whip!
"
"when i spotted the typo, i cursed,
""damn, this limerick is one of my worst!""
had i fixed it, it could
have been passably good.
i regret now not checking it fist.
"
"quentin cox is a true foppish dandy:
tailored suit, polished shoes, cane held handy.
but on saturday nights
he strips off under lights:
oiled-up pecs, biceps flexed, renamed randy.
"
"the patient has barely progressed; he's
convinced we're best friends, you know, ""besties"".
what's worse are his habits:
conversing with rabbits
and punching himself in the testes.
"
"look, i know you feel mortified. fine!
but you drank all my fortified wine:
the marsala, the sherry?
what made you most merry?
the tawny, you portified swine!
"
"ectomorphic, sue's slender and trim;
endomorphic, rick's round, not so slim.
so rick drew his six-shooter
when faced with sue's suitor:
mesomorphic, bob's built for the gym.
"
"every golfer whose drives veer askew
should try practicing good follow-through:
one's new stance after striking
the ball to one's liking
reflects a clean stroke in review.
"
"this invention is farcical, dan! nix
its dumb dipping duckbill mechanics!
what ruins your wild notion
(perpetual motion)?
the first law of thermodynamics!
"
"it's not cancer, nor what you've been eating?
they're just excretin chips you're excreting.
but ask yourself, cretin:
is this question you're settin'
really apt in this management meeting?
"
"fibre optic devices in section
reveal (upon closer inspection)
glass strands, there entwined,
guiding photons confined
by their total internal reflection.
"
"kill a pig, take its bladder, inflate,
and go kick it about with a mate.
for a football less drastic,
a sphere made of plastic
or a tough prolate spheroid works great.
"
"i really should wash the kids' clothes,
clean the yard, spray the car with a hose.
but i'd rather just tootle,
or better still, footle:
write limericks and play with my nose.
"
"quacked my dinner-date, mallard, last week,
""i'm a little bit short, so to speak;
my dear fox, if you will
be so kind: foot the bill?""
not a chance, i thought, stomping his beak.
"
"""hey, doc, can you take a quick glance
at my leg, where the ants crawl and dance?""
""formication?psychosis,""
came doc's diagnosis,
""you think you've got ants in your pants.""
"
"here's a tip for the weaponless fighter:
spark an aerosol spray with a lighter.
but note that this flame-
thrower's not quite the same
as a fuel-blasting soldier-igniter.
"
"i'm a foolhardy chap, can't you see?
i eat raw eggs and shellfish for tea,
and i act without thinking.
what's that? the boat's sinking?
set course for the wide open sea!
"
"let's define (five short lines should suffice)
a cross-sectional area. slice
any object in twain,
thus exposing a plane,
and then measure its size. how concise!
"
"it's a ""funny old game,"" it is, football?
and that's foot ball, not hand-arm-and-butt-ball.
use your feet, like i've said;
ball too high? use your head!
just don't carry-it-close-to-your-gut-ball.
"
"a filename (to take one convention)
has a basename?then dot plus extension.
the last (such as tiff,
zip or doc, wav or gif)
tells the file type, which aids comprehension.
"
"fifa's bribes and calciopoli's shame,
gazza's booze, maradona's cocaine,
zidane's butt, rijkaard's gob,
terry's shag, pel?'s knob:
this is football, ""the beautiful game"".
"
"a tedious job it can be
to remove all the bark from a tree.
but someone must do it.
my brother bill blew it
in school, so a barker is he.
"
"re: urgent & funny!!! cc:
all@dot.com. y'all will agree
it's too much, and though i
lol, why oh why
won't you stop sending junk mail to me?
"
"the agonized fish cried, ""this kills!
i can't stand all this pain in my gills.
guess i've nothing to lose.
i'll go see a doc who's
a great expert in branchial ills.""
"
"people's sex lives can shock and appall.
oh, it's strange all the things that enthrall.
chains and whips, leather chaps,
but the weirdest, perhaps:
aphallatia ? no sex at all.
"
"when civilizations feel wary
and enemies' violence seems scary,
a fortress on high
may help them get by ?
for protection they build up an aerie.
"
"the word birchite is one that one might
use describing some folks on the right.
mention birchism: speak
of the birchists to pique
such a torrent of left-leaning fright.
"
"though i once bustled all about town,
my efficiency winning renown,
stiffened ankles and hips
have diminished my trips.
this acampsia's sure slowed me down.
"
"aides-de-camp must respond to the call
of their more senior officers ? all
of their whims, each desire,
'til the big-wigs retire,
even personal trips to the mall.
"
"when given some fact anecdotally
don't buy all this new data totally.
that the story is true
as they've told it to you
doesn't mean it applies intermodally.
"
"if your aim is impressing the girls,
then be careful selecting their pearls.
you'll be seen as a joke
if your gift is baroque.
a misshapen adornment's for churls.
"
"epicycles ? his best explanations,
are circle-on-circle rotations.
this system (archaic)
was called ptolemaic,
describing the heavens' gyrations.
"
"what has euler's identity  wrought
of the constants which math has begot?
it's simple to state
how these values conflate:
ei? + 1 = 0.
"
"ataunto, on silvery sea,
all sails are unfurled by decree.
by the captain's command
we shall claim this new land,
but the sailors ask: ""what you mean, we?""
"
"the city's apanthropy's bane:
the crowds there could drive you insane.
the country's for me ?
it is so people-free
that a misanthrope couldn't complain.
"
"this mushroom repast, sad to tell,
will send you to heaven (or hell).
amanita phalloides:
it's best to avoid these.
they're toxic (but tasty as well?).
"
"bivariate problems?  too few,
where the values unknown are just two.
in the real world, indeed,
unknowns heedlessly breed ?
""only two"" almost never is true.
"
"i had thought i'd invented a paste
but my efforts have all gone to waste,
'cause what should have been ""d"",
seems i read as a ""b"" ?
an abhesive won't stick where it's placed.
"
"i'd rather not be insectivorous
and certainly not aphidivorous.
i would greatly deplore
eating aphids ? therefore
i would, with the choice, be herbivorous.
"
"beats me how a  limerick's penned.
it's a puzzle, beginning to end.
how's a limericist whose
sense of rhyming is loose
and has no rhythm ever to contend?
"
"her beauty, 'tis said, is a sight.
she's surely an angel of light.
her assets bodacious,
divinely capacious,
are 44ds of delight.
"
"your kitchens are teeming with mouses
wreaking havoc with both of your spouses.
since the holes cause ado
i'll just patch them with glue ?
an epoxy on both of your houses.
"
"exogenous causes: you've missed 'em
if you don't look outside of your system.
since airborne disease is
transmitted by sneezes,
we all would do well to resist 'em.
"
"a binit's a binary digit ?
in it, it's a practical widget.
the difference 'twixt it
and the commonplace bit
is so subtle it might make you fidget.
"
"within earreach?  of that there's no doubt.
i've an earache each time that you shout.
i've lent you my ear,
(though abused when you're near),
but now all my ears have run out.
"
"our neighbors are far too intense.
their gloom goes beyond common sense.
'round their house they insist
on black pickets ? we're pissed.
why on earth did they blackwash their fence!
"
"you have left the museum, i guess.
it was not your intent to egress.
from what you inferred
you'd be seeing a bird ?
mr. barnum has caused you distress.
"
"a ruler whose ending was sad,
young edward was king for a tad.
he was crowned at nine, then
he was just fifteen when
he checked out, a tubercular lad.
"
"""for this function of t please explain
all the values that t can attain.""
i've received your request
but i have to protest ?
its domain? is outside my domain?.
"
"since this building's a cylinder wrought,
your invite's with irony fraught:
""at the angle we'll meet,""
but i fear we'll ne'er greet.
no corners are here to be sought.
"
"george airy, astronomy guy,
said to give airy functions a try.
you'll find that in quantum
mechanics you'll want 'em
when y'' = xy.
"
"aguascalientes, you say?
the wine-rich resort town? no way!
you may not take my daughter.
though its name means ""hot water,""
just take a cold shower, okay?
"
"oedilf's editors say that you owe 'em:
""it's been months since you turned in a poem!""
but you fight writer's block,
so you give them some schlock
that's impossibly bad. that'll show 'em!
"
"to be baptized and thus cleansed of sin,
christians differ on how to begin.
some call for immersion,
while an alternate version
calls for water that's spritzed on the skin.
"
"""the market's an art,"" said the chartist.
but now he seems more a con artist.
a stock's future's a mystery.
using its history
as oracle isn't the smartest.
"
"can god hear a word that he's sayin'?
the hushed, reverent mood he's portrayin'
is calming ? that's clear ?
but it's so hard to hear
when our pastor, that church mouse, is prayin'.
"
"your theories seem rather simplistic.
you needn't be loony or mystic
to imagine a soul
beyond nature's control.
your attitude's biologistic.
"
"are you done with your gossip and gabbing?
i can't stand any more of that blabbing.
i can chat with the best,
but it's time for a rest:
your voice has my eardrums a-scabbing.
"
"the lake's murky depths can get yucky,
but a fish whose tastes run to the mucky
(bottom feeder he's named)
has no need to be shamed
as he gulps down the grime ? sucky-sucky.
"
"""from day one, a divide proved to vex
the christian religion,"" said rex.
""and today, while some give
so the needy can live,
other sects just obsess over sex.""
"
"""oh, it's obvious chivalry's dead,""
the distraught, distressed damsel once said.
but when gent held the door
she yelled, ""look, sexist boor,
i can manage!"" poor gent scratched his head.
"
"my events i want people to grace
with their presence (my skill to embrace).
i've no drive to appear
if there's no one to hear.
if no audients, why show my face?
"
"if your ship springs a leak and you're sinking,
as the bilge fills, your options are shrinking.
you say, ""patch it with tape
and we'll make our escape,""
but that's bilge ? it's preposterous thinking.
"
"in concealment, fatigue fogged my mind.
my cohort snuck up from behind.
he cried, ""look, over there!""
snatched my mallards (the pair) ?
robbed me blind in a blind with a blind.
"
"my watch is correct twice a day.
its workings have led me astray.
the action's inaction
prompts dissatisfaction ?
it's time to take action, i'd say.
"
"a suicide bomber relies
on explosives when issues arise
that engender his ire ?
he's fain to expire
by blastment, his choice of demise.
"
"a mass murderer, we can agree,
drank milk, then when grown had a spree.
thusly (argal) we see
the conclusion must be
that the milk was the cause ? qed.
"
"the usage of words can dismay,
as their meaning can be rather gray.
you can bone that fresh fish,
or debone if you wish:
all the bones are removed either way.
"
"this clamor is cause for vexation,
an entomologic frustration.
the buzzing, it seems,
has invaded my dreams
and explodes in my ears: bombination.
"
"that preacher could use some sedation.
with street corner pleas for salvation
and pious intent,
on high decibels bent,
he's such an intense botheration.
"
"the caribou have to roam free.
i expect all enlightened agree.
if you happen to view
any poaching then you
should contact bqcmb.
"
"if you program in c it is best
to compare with ==.
if you try to compare
with an =, beware;
you will probably wind up depressed.
"
"it's a blackwash,  i tell you, no more!
this lotion i rub on my sore
isn't blackwash, you see ?
syphilitic?  not me!
i'm angelic and pure to the core.
"
"though for public approval you've yearned,
you perform with no talent discerned.
their scattered applause'll
be largely acausal,
and not recognition you've earned.
"
"unless you escape with a break,
while (true) is a c-type mistake.
endless loops will devour
your processing power.
this program might run past your wake:
"
"as a ruler it's not of much use.
the designer was surely obtuse.
a blobject in form,
flowing curves aren't the norm
for a straightedge ? form follows abuse?
"
"i've a hunger for seafood today
that a good cajun stew would allay.
i'm craving some spice
'cause the burn feels so nice.
my order's been placed ? etouffee.
"
"why does everyman get no attention?
he garners not even a mention.
since he's like you and me
he's a source of ennui
at the big superhero convention.
"
"dr. buller's young lady named bright
who returned on the previous night
made physics seem fun ?
arthur henry was one
to create limerific delight.
"
"his sexual leanings ally
with the faith that he's chosen to ply.
to the wiccans he nods;
he believes in two gods ?
a bitheist whose lifestyle is bi.
"
"'twas storming; the wind tossed her skirt.
she was thrown to the ground, though unhurt.
""this weather, it  blows,
so it's best, i suppose,
we get out of these blirts"", i did blurt.
"
"if you want to get down to the heart of me,
get to know this, the most basic part of me:
my cells. head to toe,
they divide, and i grow,
since day one when mom's egg was the start of me.
"
"there's a speeder called leadfooted rose:
she bears down on the gas ? off she goes!
while the others drive slow,
her insane ""go, go, go!""
keeps the highway patrol on its toes.
"
"""chin up, chicken little, my dawlin'.
there's no reason for such tortured bawlin'.""
but ma failed to surmise
that chick, eyes to the skies,
could more clearly espy the sky fallin'.
"
"the most wonderful time of the year,
all a-bustle with love, joy and cheer?
all's a-bustle, that's true ?
there's so damn much to do!
christmastime is a pain in the rear.
"
"it's hard to say what that guy's worth.
he's been slimy and hateful since birth.
he's a cheat and a fink,
best described as ? i think ?
bottom feeder, the scum of the earth.
"
"when you chat up a bird at the bar,
just be sure your mates haven't strayed far.
if this bird's got a geezer
and you aim to please 'er,
watch out: the bloke's keen for a spar.
"
"by the rules of the manners club charter
we simply cannot admit carter.
he's uncouth! he's so rude!
he's unbearably crude!
as it says here: ""no member a farter.""
"
"a gentleman, garish and gaudy,
met a woman who made him feel naughty.
but she found this poor bloke
too ornate and baroque ?
mademoiselle preferred earthy and bawdy.
"
"checked my blogs, read my e-mail, and, hey,
there are no online games left to play.
can't think what else to do;
guess my day's work is through,
so that's it ? i'm'a call it a day.
"
"folks like me have big answers to seek:
how do molecules move when you speak?
and what powers your brain?
so i'll say this again:
""biophysicist,"" please, sir, not ""geek.""
"
"a patagonian cavy named otis
said, ""rodents my size attract notice.
i hop 'cross the steppe;
gals sigh, 'fourth-largest?yep?
that's a fine hunk of prime dolichotis.'""
"
"squirting cucumbers, jostled, will pop,
spraying thick, mucilaginous slop
and a mess of their seeds
into neighboring weeds,
sowing next year's ecballium crop.
"
"if it's classified stock that you bought,
please consider which type you have got.
if your shares are marked ""a,""
you get voting rights. yay!
if they're ""b,"" i'm afraid you do not.
"
"where the bedrock of earth has uplifted,
it's broken and fissured and rifted.
in short, it's a mess
(like my sidewalk, i guess),
but the proper description is clifted.
"
"a cabbage from essex sighed, ""blimey!
my roots are all swollen and slimy.
i mean, they're humongous;
advanced clubroot fungus
has got me, and no one will buy me.""
"
"beef tallow is rendered from suet,
which comes not, my boy, from a gnu; it
is fat from a cow.
please stop arguing now;
you guessed on the test, and you blew it.
"
"beef tallow is rendered from suet.
it isn't a big job to do it.
just trim a cow's fat,
toss it into a vat,
and then turn on the heat source and brew it.
"
"one creature lies down, feeling weary;
another jumps up and is cheery.
when the lively one mates,
passing on its good traits,
that's known as darwinian theory.
"
"for temp'rature, we have thermometers;
for blood pressure, sphygmomanometers.
but to see aberration,
experimentation
with light calls for sharp aberrometers.
"
"a timid old man was depressed
the day his love's lover confessed.
hubby flashed a dull knife
while confronting his wife;
his rage was thus bluntly expressed.
"
"my roommate at school was besot
with a girl who was terribly hot.
when she left him, you bet
he would drink to forget,
besotting himself shot by shot.
"
"at the grocer's i stood by a bragger
who selected her soda with swagger.
she crammed diet coke
in her sack 'til it broke;
guess a chooser just can't be a bagger!
"
"when i needed a cure for my houndlessness,
i gave an old sheltie her poundlessness.
i can let her roam free;
she won't jump up, you see,
so her boundlessness comes of her boundlessness.
"
"hearken, criminal minds, to my rhyme:
when eluding the law for a time,
have your thugs curl their tresses,
wear earrings and dresses ?
accessories help with a crime.
"
"correcting some bodily defects,
a surgeon who's worth his high fee-checks
can make your heart shiver
by grabbing your liver ?
abdominocardiac reflex.
"
"among glamorous folks there's a schism
over botox and vain egotism.
a wrinkle correction,
this magic injection
is the can-bulging blight, botulism!
"
"there once was a pirate named pete
whose drinking was never discreet.
he broke the old peg
that had served as his leg,
so he'd barhop along every street.
"
"i know of a baker named kevin
whose parker house rolls taste like heaven.
to give rise to the feast,
he employs baker's yeast ?
on a scale one to ten, it's a leaven.
"
"i'm a dibrach, a foot if you care:
unaccented tones, just a pair.
if you stress my right side
i'll keep shakespeare supplied,
for surely you'll see iamb there.
"
"when reaching the land from the sea,
old noah proclaimed a decree:
our survival's in doubt!
reproduce and spread out;
distributiveness is the key!""
"
"with stars?not the hollywood kind
(but maybe them, too, in my mind)?
we measure how far
from earth(lings) they are,
their absolute brightness to find.
"
"""mother, why is your forest all floored
with these grasses and leaves that you hoard?""
""well, it's not that i'm lazy ?
to clean drives me crazy:
a vacuum i've always abhorred.""
"
"you've heard of the white-hatted stranger
who rescues the needy from danger.
when he's not foiling capers,
he signs banking papers.
hi-yo!  it's the great loan arranger!
"
"the pillsbury doughboy (the louse)
was taken to task by his spouse:
""get off of your buns!
make some dough for our sons ?
be the breadwinning man of the house!""
"
"there are people who call me a pill
when i root for a church-funding bill.
i'm republican; can't i
be just a bit anti-
disestablishmentarian still?
"
"a libertine, roustabout sailor
was taken by force to the jailer.
his brother cut hay,
and to free him would pay;
thus the baler became the swab's bailor.
"
"aluminum's silvery gray,
foiling many a spill every day.
by the aussies it's said
al-yoo-min-yum instead.
and that's just about al i can say.
"
"the chorus line girls were a hit,
but the bandleader threatened to quit.
""this shouldn't be lento
with slow portamento ?
it's allegro!"" he said in a snit.
"
"young jack dawkins trains oliver twist
to pick pockets each day to subsist.
jack, the dodger most artful,
steals old fagin a cartful.
he's convicted for theft; he'll be missed.
"
"in a hurry with no time to wait?
the atomic time clock keeps it straight.
sensing atoms' positions,
oscillations, emissions,
it keeps accurate time. oops, i'm late!
"
"using cable ties locks wires in place,
keeping snake pits of cords neat in space.
they are made of hard plastic,
or of velcro, elastic.
now your cubicle's not a disgrace.
"
"her beef sandwich was topped with brown mustard.
lauren smeared on too much and got flustered.
""have you got grey poupon?""
the head chef passed it on.
it's so spicy she screeched out a cuss word.
"
"a lab project code-named manhattan
sparked fission (atomic) so that in
the u of chicago
down went the embargo
on weapons with power to flatten.
"
"from that coffee you're wired and berserk
'cause you choose the wrong bean blend to perk.
you'll nod off much too late,
so decaffeinate.
you'll get sleep and be rested for work.
"
"see that cinnamon stick in your tea?
it's shaved bark of an evergreen tree
that smells sweet, aromatic.
sticky buns? i'm fanatic.
it tastes pungent, your tongue will agree.
"
"you ride bathyscapes like submarines,
underseas: cruise the blues and the greens.
embark through the hatch.
get sealed in. lock the latch.
now you're canned like a school of sardines.
"
"after yeast cells had much time to feed,
the rye bread dough was easy to knead.
we allowed it to rise,
then baked loaves the right size
that were sprinkled with caraway seed.
"
"any verse of five lines: a cinquain.
its construction can drive you insane.
iambic? didactic?
select the right tactic
to hold meter throughout the refrain.
"
"bacteriophagy downed
a bug that was going around;
because of it, lydia
found her chlamydia
eighty percent less profound.
"
"if you ever catch someone defaming,
or anti-semitic proclaiming,
report them forthwith
to the league (b'nai brith)
for a thorough denouncement and shaming.
"
"the amazon had quite a touch
for battlefield tactics and such.
she lived for the thrill
of a bloodthirsty kill;
but for romance, it seems, not so much.
"
"the bare-knuckle champion, jones,
has fists like two cobbling stones.
to puddles he renders
the leading contenders
and then picks his teeth with their bones.
"
"the future looked stormy and dark
when noah was building his ark
to be the salvation
of all of creation
(excepting the whale and the shark).
"
"the arawak indians found
courageously holding one's ground
against the invasions
of seasick caucasians
more difficult than it might sound.
"
"to express her appreciativeness
for an evening of chaperoned bliss,
whilst taking firm stances
'gainst further advances,
she offered one chaste little kiss.
"
"said the man to a bear of great girth,
""i describe the fine creatures of earth.
it's my job: i'm a faunist,
a naturalist?honest!
so, please, let me watch you give birth.""
"
"""bug-collecting all day is just weird,""
my playmates in grammar school jeered.
would they care to apologize?
i now entomologize
for zoos with collections revered.
"
"cried the lizards, ""that butcherbird's seen us!
flee the scourge of the cracticus genus!
with deadly hooked bill
he'll swoop in for the kill,
and on thorns he will skewer and clean us!""
"
"said some creeping soft grass near my hedges,
""despite what the clover alleges,
i'd hate to be starred in
your lovely rock garden;
just use me to accent the edges.""
"
"to describe a thing spread-out and flat,
like a stomped-upon elephant scat,
or a sheet, or glass plate,
or a kansas-like state,
the word explanate's handy for that.
"
"when sue viewed, via test ultrasonic,
her fetus in sac chorionic,
she burst into cheers:
""he's got mickey mouse ears!""
""yes, indeed,"" beamed the doc. ""he's iconic.""
"
"if crosshatching's in, my suit's latticed.
plaid cars are the thing? my car's plaidest.
the fresh and in-fashion
excite me to passion;
they're things i must have: i'm a faddist.
"
"said the doctor, ""here's my diagnosis:
in short, it is not a neurosis.
your food was unclean;
now you've cysts in your spleen.
you've got tapeworms: echinococcosis.""
"
"why people like birds, i don't get,
for their twitters and chirps make me sweat.
to me, nothing's horr'bler
than hearing a warbler?
a small singing bird, a fauvette.
"
"snapped a southern swamp shrub named miss sonia,
""don't call me a goddamn begonia!
i'm 'leven feet tall,
a black titi tree, y'all?
the sole species of genus cliftonia.""
"
"""bah, humbug!"" says scrooge (writ by dickens),
although soon after that, the plot thickens.
when rejection proves futile
scrooge uses his noodle ?
this christmas he fattens the pickin's.
"
"doctor phil starred on oprah to start,
but a basophil's actually part
of a system (immune)
you may come to need soon;
let us see what it says in your chart.
"
"while all lights are by rights luminescent,
the first arc in the type called fluorescent
needs a ballast to start
(it's a small, hidden part);
there's no need if the lamp's incandescent.
"
"i am sure you have heard of basalt,
but if not, it cannot be my fault.
this black igneous rock
is too common to lock
in a safe, hidden strong-box, or vault.
"
"of towns which are found near the coast,
bar harbor is nicer than most.
with a national park
to provide extra spark,
its island's a maine-land to toast.
"
"to empty your boat you must bail,
and i don't mean like get out of jail.
there's no reason to worry,
but still, please, just hurry!
grasp hold of the bail on this pail.
"
"last weekend a trade show attender
might as well have been off on a bender.
fad diet books, scales,
and some pills led in sales,
while this guy was a provender vendor.
"
"on an airline, you'll pay if you stuff
too much food in your mouth ? that's enough!
every morsel you scarf
will come up when you barf
in that bag, which they make extra-tough.
"
"no one move 'cause i'm holding a balm!
see, it's sitting right here in my palm.
it isn't explosive
or highly corrosive;
in fact, it will keep you all calm.
"
"when your guts give a spasm and jerk,
and you have health insurance (a perk),
they can picture with dye,
see what tube went awry;
that is barium contrast at work.
"
"a ""bam!"" that's the sound of a gun,
and bam-bam's the rubbles' new son.
""bam-bam-bam"" goes the rattling
of arms made by gatling,
which take us right back to square one.
"
"bengal has a notable bay,
a bit bigger than that of biscay.
in new brunswick, see fundy's
for huge tides on mondays.
in fact, you'll see two every day.
"
"when trying to dress up attractively,
some women behave quite reactively.
they think that a label
will somehow enable
subtraction of years retroactively.
"
"a barre is a chord on a neck.
it hurts players' fingers like heck.
to hold down six strings
so that every note rings
will eventually make hands a wreck.
"
"where cheque is an alternate spelling,
you'll find it's cachet they are selling.
if you check with your bank,
and they opt to be frank,
they'll admit it's a rat that you're smelling.
"
"a baa is a sound from a sheep,
""bah, humbug!"" a cry from a creep.
the first one is shorn,
while the second's reborn
after meeting three ghosts in his sleep.
"
"if bacteria seem acid-fast,
and retain all the stain 'til the last,
tb is suspected
while strep is rejected;
consumption comes back from the past.
"
"aurora's a girl in a palace
and lights in the north (borealis),
but when southern skies glow
with electrical ""snow""
you'd be right to refer to australis.
"
"such garlands of amylopectin,
the soluble starch is bedecked in!
its branching arms swell,
let the amylose gel ?
now this gravy will bear no rejectin'.
"
"acoustic, of music, means played
with all of the sounds being made
by breath, or by strings,
or by drumming on things?
but without electricity's aid.
"
"the dentinal tubules beneath
the shiny enamel of teeth
have tissue-y walls
that a tooth maven calls
(what a mouthful!) the dentinal sheath.
"
"since skunks are not known for their drinking,
but mostly for spraying and stinking,
why should drunk as a skunk
mean ""incredibly drunk""?
that's a phrase that could use some rethinking.
"
"the word and is my go-to conjunction
i use without bother, compunction,
misgiving, or fuss,
to signify ""plus,""
arithmetic's additive function.
"
"in congress, behold a great schism.
each side views the world through a prism
the other side lacks,
which leads to attacks
instead of bipartisanism.
"
"though sometimes we crawl, in reality
two feet are the instrumentality
that humans prefer.
we are, as it were,
in love with our own bipedality.
"
"when king henry took catherine to wed,
he agreed to be hers until dead.
but he wanted a son
and, alas, there was none;
he divorced her and wed anne instead.
"
"if you offer rewards when they're good,
but, when bad, in the corner they're stood,
then this carrot-and-stick
will perhaps do the trick
and your kids may soon act as they should.
"
"little henry would show up each day
for spring try-outs. ""third base,"" he would say.
but each grounder that came
caused him nothing but shame;
seems his catcher's mitt got in the way.
"
"""i've brought you some flowers, dear sue.
they're almost as lovely as you.
oh, my heart so adores
their brown eyes?just like yours!""
""why, you idiot! my eyes are blue!""
"
"boots, the pussy cat, let out a yowl.
butch, the doberman, started to growl.
then he thought, shut his yap,
and went back to his nap.
just a cat burglar out for a prowl.
"
"for a baking potato that's right,
you should choose a nice russet or white?
not too soft, not too old,
stored in cool (but not cold).
then this tuber should be a delight.
"
"there once was a sculptor named hans
who wanted to honor ""the fonz"".
smelting copper with tin,
he was set to begin
two huge thumbs made completely of bronze.
"
"'twas quite late when suzanne had awoken.
at the bus stop she reached for a token.
what a terrible day!
she had no way to pay;
she was broke, 'cause her purse clasp had broken.
"
"tiger woods is a pga star
and he shoots below par (and by far).
so because of his fame,
things he's signed with his name
can be sold at a price above par.
"
"billy screams and he jumps on a chair.
so i look, but i see nothing there.
still he yells as he squirms,
""i'm surrounded by germs!""?
a bacteriophobia scare.
"
"if your task is antiquing a chair,
it's a job that requires some flair.
first distress it just so.
change the finish and lo!
you have made something common seem rare.
"
"the absorption rate had been quite high
on some land that i just had to buy.
but the market since fell
and right now i can't tell
if that land can be sold ere i die.
"
"when one looks for a snack that will please
in the czech town of karlsbad, he sees
they sure know what to do
with the milk of a ewe:
they produce the sharp abertam cheese.
"
"if you witness a strange glowing light?
an anomalous luminous sight?
the phenomenon seen
could potentially mean
that an earthquake will soon be your plight.
"
"as a vintner producing fine wine ?
barrel aging the fruit of the vine ?
know the barrel you choose
could decide if your booze
tastes like swill or ausone '49.
"
"the abdominal cavity space
holds your guts in one tight compact place.
large intestine and small,
stomach, liver, and all,
are enclosed in this visceral case.
"
"a brazilian is up to his knees
in the amazon. look what he sees.
oh my god! he should know a
huge snake called a boa
constrictor, his current main squeeze.
"
"the old gate had just closed with a slam,
when the sentry looked out and said, ""damn!
get your swords ready fast;
this poor gate will not last,
'cause the huns have a battering ram.""
"
"i'm a clubwoman, yes! i belong
to a down under club. as a nong,
i know nothing at all
and don't even recall
why i gave them a dance and a song.
"
"the end-all (or ultimate goal)
for our limericks here, as a whole,
is to get them approved
and not have them removed
(an immense psychological toll).
"
"near dubris (today, it's called dover)
it happened that caesar came over
from gallia (france).
in a later advance
bl?riot came and crashed in the clover.
"
"i was greatly surprised, or balled over,
when grover, the saucy young rover,
suggested that i
should wear naught but his tie
as we relished a roll in the clover.
"
"writing english has been my endeavour
since a few years ago (not forever).
i was such a great fool
to not try it in school.
i was stubborn and not very clever!
"
"this bathroom is surely a treat?
not part of my room or en suite,
but a ruddy old shack
which is dirty and black,
on the opposite side of the street!
"
"my english is only self-taught.
it's a language the british once brought
so that any old fool
might well take it at school,
though i never would give that a thought.
"
"when the creditor sent me a letter,
it read, ""you will have to do better;
for your lack of response
and your gross nonchalance,
i've a contract on you, careless debtor!""
"
"quoth the crab to her son, ""they will bait us,
but don't worry, just keep a low status.
their harpoons will collide
with your shell. stay inside,
quite untouched: after all, we're crustaceous.""
"
"when an errant and path-hogging rider
told the walker he couldn't abide her,
she rebuked the equestrian:
""i'm a pedestrian?
therefore the more rightful chider!""
"
"though i'm not sure i'd call it astute,
i will certainly rise to salute
how the queen tours the land
and is willing to hand
down her power (that is, devolute).
"
"the world saw a woman named susan
meet judges whose game was refusin'.
boyle trumped their regime
when she sang of her dream?
and now with a chauffeur she's cruisin'.
"
"she teared up and opined he was gruff,
with a manner designed to be tough.
but she almost enshrined him,
as love redefined him:
a diamond (she'd mined) in the rough.
"
"all this mocking of vampires is vicious;
my demeanor is never suspicious.
but i'm out every night
just to slurp when i bite,
so perhaps i'm a tad repetitious.
"
"the menace at cheney.org
is colder than stiffs at the morgue.
his heartless disguise
and steely gray eyes
will help him fit in with the borg.
"
"our new teacher's dismay is emphatic
if our grammar is wildly erratic,
but we're simply adored
when our chalk hits the board,
drawing sentences diagrammatic.
"
"though we croton bugs flourish in summer,
present life as a roach is a bummer;
winter brought me bad luck,
for i crept in and stuck
to the flummoxing flux of your plumber.
"
"deliriants are a collection
of poisons that cause disconnection;
you may yank the hair
of the mimic who's there,
as you glare at your angry reflection.
"
"the deliriant drugs are narcotic
and result in behavior chaotic;
you will bypass neurotic
and enter robotic,
psychotic, quixotic, despotic?
"
"please remember, when combing the nation
(on vacation) for mood elevation:
a deliriant ration
within your libation
dissuades all experimentation.
"
"some deliriants irritate eyes,
while confusion and stupor arise;
with one swallow or sniff,
you might dash off a cliff,
which would greatly assist your demise.
"
"jelly doughnut, my tum hath a growl.
yea, though sugar and starch run afoul
of yon dieting rule,
mine own mouth it doth drool;
how i yearn for thy carbs in my bowel.
"
"the armonica's silica gleams,
while it circles bright musical themes?
at the sound of its tone
you can wander alone
through a cavern of crystalline dreams.
"
"stays at beachfront hotels are a treat;
my young toddler looks suntanned and sweet,
as she walks on a grand
panorama of sand
with the tide washing over her feet.
"
"no, i'll never play tunes monophonic
and won't shine in the town's philharmonic;
i've three sounds to supply?
open string, buzz, and high:
my berimbau plays rhythm (no tonic).
"
"the museum bought something today:
a device called the cristal baschet.
glass on metal foretells
of a racket like hell's?
we're delighted there's no one to play.
"
"i've the neck of a shiny guitar
and my strings (set of six) aren't bizarre,
but the body affixed
is a banjo's?i'm mixed?
so i two have no clue what i are.
"
"although dr. sessions defrauded
his class with digressions, they lauded
those witty expressions
of past indiscretions?
and all his confessions applauded.
"
"i agree there's no use feelin' bitter
(and i've never been known as a quitter),
but if relatives diss me
they'll probably miss me,
'cause i'm gonna block 'em on twitter.
"
"this is drab and discolored! enough!
no more dinginess! launder your stuff
with some bleach! and then fluff it
and fold it and stuff it
in drawers! get off of your duff!
"
"they give many fine hobbies a toss
for the one labeled ""down"" and ""across"".
cruciverbalophiles
greet each morning with smiles:
they'll be showing new crosswords who's boss.
"
"rather oddly, my botched-up lobotomy
parallels euclid's dichotomy.
like this poor brain of mine,
what remained of his line
was irrational: only apotome.
"
"she impatiently waits for her beau;
they're already quite late for the show.
""not a no-show again!""
he'll arrive god-knows-when,
since the date she awaits is godot.
"
"thought the trojan, ""hmm, what is the source
of those armor-clank sounds?"" well, of course,
we all know now from hist'ry
the key to the myst'ry:
that wooden armisonous horse.
"
"a film lover might go insane
if you colorized citizen kane.
he'd shout, ""this i can't stand!""
and he'd surely demand
you achromatize rosebud again.
"
"atop many a bell tower's found
abat-sons for directing the sound.
there they point the noise down
for the folks in the town
and the worms living under the ground.
"
"if we're starting from homogeneity,
what's the origin of a new deity?
lacking father or mother,
it springs forth from no other:
just itself?and we call that aseity.
"
"dear sir, in response to your query
re: homes on the floor of lake erie.
your bathylimnetic
design is pathetic;
who'd want to live someplace so dreary?
"
"an agomphious man named apollo
has no teeth, so he often feels hollow.
to fill up his tum
he just drinks down some rum.
he can't chew, but oh boy, can he swallow!
"
"while giving the bottle a spin,
he wondered whose kiss he might win.
it was truly a shame
that his basial game
had to stop when his parents walked in.
"
"a student once queried his prof
if his head might inflate from a cough.
the prof uttered a curse;
his reply was quite terse:
""that's balloony!"" he said with a scoff.
"
"oh, acequia madre, your niche is
one of santa fe's natural riches.
when they blocked you, the spanish
would dry up and vanish,
and call you a ""mother of ditches"".
"
"my mad antisocialist aunt
believes that the government can't.
""teach my kids? they make fools
in those lame public schools.
what a waste, give us vouchers!"" she'll rant.
"
"at a recent audition in stowe,
a castable starlet said, ""no!""
then she fell off the couch
and arose and said, ""ouch!""
doctors found her leg castable though.
"
"though it seemed i was thick-skinned (a bear)
when my niece asked to go to the fair,
i'd have felt more avuncular
if i wasn't carbuncular
and my arse wasn't glued to this chair.
"
"i have noticed alluvious themes
and connections 'twixt cultures and streams,
for my forebears did lay
down the subconscious clay
that's the base of my own field of memes.
"
"if you look up the word aiguillette,
you'll find ""braids 'round the arm of a vet"",
and ""a strip, thin as jerky,
from a breast (duck or turkey)""
with a fowl taste you'll never forget!
"
"a white-water stream's cataractous,
and it's where all we kayakers practice
doing eskimo rolls
through class v and vi holes.
(canoe tell waters falling attract us?)
"
"on a japanese beach (on vacation)
i remarked on the brilliant location.
""oh, yes,"" said the man,
""that is why i'm so tan.
here it only takes one aprication!""
"
"oh, id, as a theory, you're dismal
when describing things post-cataclysmal;
messrs. darwin and hubble
can surely cause trouble
for folks with beliefs catechismal.
"
"""this bannister's not cable-laid!""
did the boatswain his deckhand upbraid.
""it's with sinister twists,
of yer dexterous wrists,
that yon' handrail should be macram?d!""
"
"when an alphabet's music to me,
it has a b c d e f g.
seven letters get swirled
in a musical world?
what commotion, if a went to z!!!
"
"since the clueless young actor named art
is so foolish he phones in his part,
when he stupidly groans
he's among the 'unknowns',
we say, ""show up on stage and act smart.""
"
"agapism failed when it tried
to teach us that we should provide
what living has lacked:
the most loving act
in all situations?worldwide.
"
"without amnesty, innocents dwell
in deep misery?some in a cell.
international measures
can rescue these treasures
and stop their unthinkable hell.
"
"yes, the book rests on my metacarpals,
but the finger that points is miss marple's.
while my noggin collects
scattered facts, she connects
all the clues that her author desparples.
"
"with stars?not the hollywood kind
(but maybe them, too, in my mind)?
we measure how far
from earth(lings) they are,
their absolute brightness to find.
"
"while others bemoan his confusion,
our king is intoning delusion.
we can't disenthrone
that crazy old drone?
unless we condone his 'conclusion'.
"
"when chiding my friend (whom i like)
for riding downhill on his bike
by sliding and skidding
(not gliding), i'm kidding.
he's hiding this thought: take a hike!
"
"antisocial means more than perturbing;
personality traits will need curbing.
if you rape, kill, or steal,
that will surely reveal
a disorder that most find disturbing.
"
"step into these loose-fitting pants
and give capoeira a chance;
you've always been partial
to arts that are martial
and this one has music and dance!
"
"long and green with a point, that strange sprout
may be edible (though that's in doubt).
if what looks asparaginous
tastes putrilaginous
here's what to do: spit it out!
"
"a boxer sensed something not right;
his hand felt a little bit light.
""oh heavens above!
i'm missing a glove!""
bare-knuckled he'd come to that fight.
"
"an heraldic abatement means shame;
well, at least, that's what some people claim.
but this so-called tradition
is in opposition
to heraldry's virtuous aim.
"
"an arithmogram figure depicts
a word as a number, for kicks.
the frequent result
is somewhat occult:
the mark of the beast, 666.
"
"agomphious joe (here's the truth)
like his name says, had nary a tooth.
when he wanted to eat
he'd just sigh in defeat:
""my mouth, i'm afraid, hath no uthe.""
"
"eddie lay in the cold river bed,
diverting its flow with his head.
people stared, eyes unblinking,
""what could he be thinking?!
he's a baffler, that ed!"" they all said.
"
"nowadays every good navy owns
many ships to patrol wavy zones.
a swift battle cruiser
with light armour too, sir,
will send foes to meet davy jones.
"
"the knight was both stunned and confused:
his foe wasn't cut but contused.
he thought, ""what a jerk!
my backsword would work
but not if the blunt edge is used!""
"
"if you're trying to climb up the slope
of a triangle, don't give up hope!
the base angle, my friend,
sets the pitch you ascend.
just don't scale an obtuse one, you dope!
"
"is your lead-acid battery flat?
washed your keyboard, and now you can't chat?
did your steam iron fuse?
it's a sign you should use
deionized water for that.
"
"a fireworks maker will tame
many chemicals, varied by name.
when explosions are seen
burning brilliantly green,
it's a chlorine and barium flame.
"
"i thought smoking was nasty and crude,
but i still tried it out, and got screwed?
'cause my thoughts rearranged
as my chemistry changed;
cigarettes now taste better than food.
"
"stick a cl inside an o2.
it will bleach and kill odors, a clue
that it disinfects well,
and is toxic like hell?
that is chlorine dioxide for you.
"
"if you put hard-boiled eggs in your dishes,
or if jello desserts are your wishes,
or if cheese brings you glee,
then your taste buds agree
on the protein: ""denatured's delicious!""
"
"my canopy's stuck in a tree,
and i'm hanging here tangled, unfree.
at the drop zone they're stumped:
""did he look where he jumped?""
well, no! get a ladder for me!
"
"has your lawn lost its previous sheen,
 with old tufts of dead grass on the scene?
 use calcium nitrate!
 with care and the right rate,
 it soon will look healthy and green.
"
"many years ago, i and my cousin
wrote a limerick amorphous and fuzzin'
with dactyls and iambs
and side-slanting rhyams...
was it crystalline? structured? it wasn'.
"
"ah, this limerick writing of late
has me laughing from midnight till eight.
and i'm sure to get thinner
by skipping my dinner!
but the kids'll get hungry. aw, great.
"
"it is hackneyed and banal and trite,
and as useful as flat diet sprite.
when you've little to say,
then you spout a clich?
in the hope that you'll somehow sound bright.
"
"when we told dear miss parker that ain't
was indeed in the webster, that saint
was quite lit'rally floored.
""say it ain't!"" she implored,
as we helped her arise from her faint.
"
"sweet bambino, my chubby young man-a,
round-a face smiling wide as he can-a.
in the doorway he bounces,
then, drooling, he pounces
on spoonfuls of mushed-up banana.
"
"ah, this life is much sweeter than taffy;
yes, my soul is at peace. i am happhy,
for i'm stringing a string
of bright anapest-bling
all while practicing lexicography.
"
"a useful invention, the broom,
if you happen to live in a room
that conveniently comes
with a floorful of crumbs
and resembles a dust-bunny tomb.
"
"""you have brains in your head,"" said doc seuss.
""you have feet, i believe, in your shoess.
so, ambitious young elf,
you can steer your own self
in most any direction you chooss.""
"
"some may think that the artichoke's sour,
but it's sweet, and, in truth, is a flower.
one should not eat it raw,
for one might break one's jaw,
which is why you must boil it an hour.
"
"there's a word we all know. that is ass.
has three meanings, but one...well, it's crass.
and another chief use
is a term of abuse.
so i think that i'll give it a pass.
"
"two men  ambling  along  hand in hand
may remind you of boys in the band.
but this sight, rare as such,
doesn't really mean much
in this prince's particular land.
"
"as the world's greatest cheapskate, it's said
that on blowfish fred once overfed.
he had well understood
that the chances were good
by the time the bill came, he'd be dead.
"
"a psychiatrist looks for what's hid-
den inside the analysand's id.
she will search, and will probe,
with the patience of job,
and won't quit till she's done what she's bid.
"
"a rare illness, not quite ocd,
has been known to afflict folks like me.
i'll be thinking of rhymes
at the oddest of times,
as when golfing, or taking a pee.
"
"an asthmatic young man, named ali,
began wooing a pert divorc?e.
having heard ali wheezing
while hugging and squeezing,
she asked, ""you're allergic to me?""
"
"in great britain some call it the loo,
or the crapper (good name for it, too).
for the french, it's toilette.
but, in case you forget,
in america bathroom will do.
"
"i'm still raw and, while not yet inured
to the grilling i get, i'm assured
by oedilfer mds,
who are experts at ""bees"",
writing limericks can never be cured.
"
"there once was a fellow named moses
who so loved the aroma of roses
that he often would say:
""i could smell 'em all day;
how i wish i'd been born with two noses.""
"
"it is often on alienists' couches
that one deals with emotional ouches.
but it's sad so few try
to get help. which is why
the whole world seems so full of old grouches.
"
"the world of recording's possessed;
the dynamic range's badly compressed.
it was spacious before,
but the great loudness war
took the oompf out. this change i detest.
"
"do you both need to talk through one wire?
is your need to print two-sided dire?
two devices, one name?
they're not one and the same,
but a duplexer's what you require.
"
"in the war zone, our tank's lost its traction?
we've been hit by the enemy faction.
""an explosion!"" i cry.
sergeant egghead's reply:
""it's a decomposition reaction!""
"
"in our digital age, you recall
ones and zeros portraying it all.
why not two? even three?
well, that's simple?you see,
they can't make other digits that small.
"
"antimony sulfide is bright
shiny needles, or black as the night.
mineralogists name
it as stibnite. need flame?
it helps matches to easily light.
"
"""integrated? transistorized?"" hector
protests, as a luddite objector:
""don't need your new cubes!
i don't even need tubes,
just my trusty old crystal detector.""
"
"a capacitor lets ac be,
but a diode makes ac dc;
and the cap, as you see,
can't let dc be free,
so it's filled up with e upon e.
"
"reel-to-reel? vhs? dvd?
those are obsolete formats! you see,
it is time for transition
to high-definition?
get blu-ray! it's 1080p!
"
"on a ring or a chain made of c,
ho?|?h sits like twigs on a tree.
carbohydrates are food;
in your meal they include
starches, cellulose, sugar ? fat-free.
"
"crystal oscillators are pretty neat;
their precision's not easy to beat.
it's a silica trick
that gives quartz clocks their tick
from a tuning fork, small and discreet.
"
"to a soggy brown swampland king steven
was driven, but said, ""i believe in
our rising again?
we've got bog ore, my men!
let's make iron, and swords, and get even!""
"
"""pipes are boring,"" complained plumber cyrus.
""for a challenge i'm very desirous.
carbon nanotubes? cool!""
now i've heard that the fool
is installing a loo for a virus.
"
"badly bashed, baron barringer bled;
babbled blindly, brain bruising: ""bake bread!
buy bombs! build balloons!
bathe bubonic baboons!
blow, bassoonists! bye-bye, beddy-bed.""
"
"when a coder makes programs, he'll write
""and"" and ""or"" or ""then goto"", despite
what computers all need
(that's a ""ones/zeroes"" feed)?
a compiler translates it on sight.
"
"on a drain in the street in our town
sits a grating, corroded and brown.
although it is rusty,
this drain cover's trusty:
keeps kids up, and evil clowns down.
"
"""complicated""? no, that's not right.
""complicated""? they'll put up a fight.
it's too complicated!
now my brain has gone dead.
i'll write haikus instead, out of spite.
"
"when arranging a boogie, we need:
1. some turboprop airplanes, for speed.
2. both lodgings and lunch.
3. a skydiving bunch.
4. an airfield ? important indeed!
"
"take a really close look at your screen.
you'll see dots shining red, blue and green.
find adjacent dots (two)
of one color (say, blue).
what's the dot pitch? the distance between.
"
"when the shock wave is thundering past
even faster than sound, then at last
it will drive the reaction
where the fire's lost traction;
you've achieved detonation! a blast!
"
"adcs take in analog, then
they convert it to digital; when
we want analog back,
we send bits through a dac
and the signal's converted again.
"
"though all couples, at times, disagree,
and the feuding makes some want to flee,
i was saddened to see,
in a chart, an md
had penned: ""male, 47, wife-free.""
"
"most dictators who rise during strife,
once empowered, will stay on for life.
but their future's the same:
barring exile, their game
ends with bullets, a rope or a knife.
"
"one could look at a hogan with awe
 since adobe, part mud and part straw,
will withstand a bad storm.
plus, in winter it's warm
but in summer it's cool?that's a draw.
"
"feeling  apathy means you don't care
what you eat or you drink or you wear,
and don't give a plug dime
if some think it's a crime
to repeat an end-rhyme. for who'd care?
"
"their skin's pale and their hair is all white.
they protect their weak eyes from bright light.
so albinos must shun
being out in the sun,
often working and shopping at night.
"
"babesiosis and lyme's make you sick.
you get both from the bite of a tick.
though it threatens your health,
what astounds is its stealth.
when it sticks you, you don't feel the prick.
"
"""some eat oysters; not me,"" my friend said.
""and crustaceans, the same?'less they're red.
i'm not squeamish, you see,
but that works, least for me.
i avoid eating things that ain't dead.""
"
"their one source might, at times, be your mutt,
so don't touch what comes out of his butt,
or you'll suffer colitis
or severe enteritis,
since amoebas go straight to your gut.
"
"there once was a clerk from bangkok
whose whole life was controlled by the clock.
every morning at six
he'd ......................
oh my gosh! i've developed a block.
"
"be a lady. be graceful. show class.
show decorum. behave. don't be crass.
you don't have to be smart,
but for god's sake don't fart.
if you have to, then gently pass gas.
"
"every day when i want to fly free,
i employ this device: aad.
if the stuff hits the fan,
it's my anti-splat plan ?
it deploys the reserve chute for me.
"
"destabilized elements may
sustain radioactive decay,
where the nuclei purge,
and new atoms emerge:
daughter nuclides that join in the fray.
"
"i have just slammed my face in a door
to annoy our director, the bore.
he yells ""cut!"" with a frown
as i cut up and clown.
(i'll end up on the cutting room floor.)
"
"i made many directors resign.
i will mess up the easiest line.
when stern, i will giggle.
when dead, i will wriggle.
the blooper reel ? that's where i shine.
"
"electronics: the current must flow
where electrical fields make it go.
no switches here, mister,
just tube or transistor.
not physical ? physics, you know.
"
"if your parachute's foiled, you may yet
have a landing that's soft, so don't fret.
you don't cry, curse or pray;
you just cut it away
and deploy your reserve chute, no sweat.
"
"""electron guns, that's what they're called,
and they shoot?"" mom was shocked and appalled.
""mister, no more tv!
seems whatever you see
involves weapons and violence!"" she bawled.
"
"hydrocarbons are strange in their ways.
some are simple, some simply amaze.
this one's name says it all:
it is basketane (small
carbon basket, with hydrogen frays).
"
"common plastic ? you know, abs?
it's got acrylonitrile and, yes,
there is styrene there too,
and the rubbery glue
butadiene ? copolymer mess!
"
"""my charge won't go boom!"" the trainee
said. ""i've made it as small as can be.""
said the sergeant, all grin:
""your c-4 stick's too thin.
the diameter's critical, see?""
"
"if you have the bad luck to imbibe
a deliriant, kin must describe
what it was to your doc.
keep an eye on the clock;
you may rapidly part from your tribe.
"
"a virus has made you its host,
but 'godly' around you may boast:
""when torment dishevels,
that grip is the devil's?
if you don't believe it, you're toast.""
"
"although copper is dense in the ore,
mining chalcocite may be a chore.
yes, its crystals are found
barely under the ground,
but there's nothing much left in the store.
"
"calculating once entered my scene
in the form of a rusty machine,
but my schoolwork from hell
wasn't averaged well,
so today my new mac finds the mean.
"
"you break up with your lover so dear,
but break down your collapsible gear;
you break in your new shoes,
but break out of your blues?
let's break open champagne?any year.
"
"if your appetite conquers your smarts
and you gorge upon strawberry tarts,
you will split right into
a dissilient you,
forcing waiters to scoop up your parts.
"
"if you sweat but your showers are fewer?
won't do squat with the carpet shampooer?
if you purge what you downed
as you piddle around?
body waste won't be found in your sewer?
"
"first, the sun will cross over your site;
then, the stars will trace arcs in your night.
going once all around?
coming back to where found?
it's diurnal (en)circle delight.
"
"when acting in films, you'll go far
if your accent reveals where you are.
you're ""stock"" naked in boston;
""stork"" naked in austin;
in eastport: a ""stack"" naked star.
"
"the conductor's baton lifted high
as the musical measures flew by;
but a lesson was taught
when his cufflink got caught
and he poked himself right in the eye.
"
"a beaver just paid us a visit;
i don't have to wonder: what is it?
he gnawed at the bark
of our trees (made his mark).
can we kill it? the law's not explicit.
"
"chihuahuas are tiny and cute,
and smaller than many big fruit.
they're considered high-brow,
though their high-pitched bow-wow
makes me wish they'd been born nearly mute.
"
"bloviators?you've met them, for sure?
are those folks we, at times, must endure.
they won't leave us in peace,
for their words never cease.
how i wish their disease had a cure!
"
"in the treatment of ills of the heart
using aspirin plays a huge part.
it can help your blood flow
in a smooth to-and-fro,
so to take one a day might be smart.
"
"i was never addicted to pot;
as for smoking, i swear, i do not.
but sweet treats, i adore;
once i start, i want more,
though i know that my teeth may well rot.
"
"wherever we've been born and bred,
one thing should be clear in our head?
that whatever our hue,
yellow, pink, brown or blue,
underneath every skin we're all red.
"
"though, post coitus, her breathing's now slow,
in her face you can still see that glow,
but her partner, that bore,
is beginning to snore,
while she dreams of another nice go.
"
"though some pundits can surely be brash,
it is rude for those folks to talk trash.
and though speech should be free,
all those scolding with glee
should have learned what this word means: abash.
"
"bad acting, bad lighting...how cheesy!
to pan such a movie is easy.
and i really can't stand
the filming by hand!
all that jerking around makes me queasy.
"
"there was once a rich lady with airs
who was proud of her lofty forebears.
but her ego deflated
when the times wrongly stated
her specialty: ""pubic affairs"".
"
"looking up from an airfield one day,
you see bits of a plane fall away.
""what has happened?"" you shout.
then the chutes all come out?
it's a drop zone, where skydivers play!
"
"a drunk driver plunged into a moat,
and discovered his car wouldn't float.
he was found in the wreck,
submerged to his neck,
mumbling, ""next time, i'm taking the boat!""
"
"when the carbon dioxide was seen,
also carbon suboxide had been
in the vessel of gases,
where sparks made their passes.
we knew, 'cause the vessel was clean.
"
"dodecahedrane's a ball
hydrocarbon, incredibly small.
twenty carbons, twelve sides;
and a hydrogen rides
on each c in its pentagon wall.
"
"cefadroxil: bacteria killer;
ceftazidime: should you get iller.
cefoperazone, too,
is a germ-killing brew.
these are cephalosporins, not filler.
"
"nitroglycerin's sensitive stuff;
it explodes if you look hard enough.
but it's had a rebirth
mixed with diatom earth:
nobel's dynamite, stable and tough!
"
"say what? persecution delusion?
how the hell did you reach that conclusion?
on my head there's a price.
opec's doubled it twice?
i'm the one who invented cold fusion!
"
"norman stingley, inventor on call,
made this springy new rubber one fall.
but they said, ""soak your head!""
so to wham-o he fled,
and invented the first bouncy ball.
"
"the arch of aorta's a part
of a blood vessel close to your heart.
it sends blood to your head
and your hands, so it's said
that it makes you both dextrous and smart.
"
"tiny dots crawl around on the screen?
coloured patterns where none should have been?
if it's on your tv
(pal or ntsc),
it is composite video you've seen.
"
"in my home i'm the one wearing pants,
but don't bother my wife's precious plants.
although she's a dear,
if i harm them, i fear
she'll treat me as she treats pesky ants.
"
"for a person to say passing gas
makes it plain such a person has class,
since to call that a fart
shows that one's not that smart,
and it clearly defines one as crass.
"
"for a bigamist, more than one wife
should result in a full-of-bliss life.
but that plan has a flaw:
that's two mothers-in-law,
which translates into ""double the strife.""
"
"there once was a fellow named hopper
who, for being quite rude, came a cropper.
now he's sitting in jail
for he tickled the tail
of a sly, undercover she-copper.
"
"to write verse is a thing i adore,
so i think that i'll write many more;
though to find the right rhyme
takes a lot of my time,
and i wish that i knew what it's for.
"
"metromaniacs waste precious time
penning lim'ricks not worth a plug dime.
i've attempted free verse
with results that are worse.
so i think that i'll keep writing rhyme.
"
"a provocative girl named octavia
would beguile with her naughty behavia.
she was truly bewitching
but, next day, you'd be itching
because joy was not all that she gavia.
"
"there are men who will strongly endeavour
to hide a lost love, but if never
their lips can be parted,
while still broken-hearted,
their eyes will be eloquent ever.
"
"i don't drink, i don't lie, i don't curse,
but i have a compulsion that's worse:
i just have to write rhyme,
which does rob me of time
i could use to compose good free verse.
"
"a clairvoyant is one who'll foresee
what's transparent to her, not to me.
what she sees in a ball
is enough to enthrall;
but bring money?her readings ain't free.
"
"said de soto's comptroller, with sorrow:
""when of debits you speak, don't say 'borrow'!
for your accounting ratio
ain't defined, don ignacio,
with your assets divided by zorro.""
"
"at the all-cryptid dinner, young meti
tickled tina, a finely shaped yeti.
the reflexes, abdominal,
of the snowgirl (abominable)
made tina cough up her spaghetti.
"
"the calico bass is a game fish.
sac-a-lait, to a cajun: the same fish.
this pomoxis (black crappie)
is tasty and scrappy
and, mounted, a fine wall-of-fame fish.
"
"when the mother's a working strip-teaser,
a bikini cut's certain to please her.
soon she'll dance down the bar
showing nary a scar?
in places the clientele caesar.
"
"of pete's hat, we took all but the ball
to make paul a new rug for the fall.
john, the wag, he cracked wise
and said, ""cannibalise?
from peter's tuque we toupee paul.""
"
"supermodels are taught to act haughtily,
to show off their assets quite bawdily;
and to turn and look back
at the lens-toting pack
to ensure that the camera's aimed caudally.
"
"cj jackson's been cursing his luck
since the nickname was coined (some say struck).
'cause he knew what she meant
when she said, ""50 cent?
he's not half of that rapper young buck!""
"
"a poor biomathematician
was regretting his market position.
through a rosier lens
he'd pre-counted his hens,
but his eggs hadn't come to fruition.
"
"when i first read the fact sheet, i swerved.
as i saw cleavage ranked: ""none observed.""
it was thus clearly seen
this was pg-13.
carnal-lite was the rating deserved.
"
"the board foot is a volume of wood,
but, mistakenly, some think it could
mean a heel and an arch
upon which one could march
if not plagued with ennui. understood?
"
"there's a conference in utah this week
where novell gives its partners a peek.
at the salt palace there,
the event called brainshare
has participants packed geek-to-geek.
"
"we have captured this guy chris j. strolin
he 's been kidnapped. by us. as in stolen?
though not clever or handsome
we still want for ransom
a big pile of money to roll in
"
"christo's vision with each installation
puerile minds take for mere decoration.
as each icon's concealed
its true form is revealed;
i'm enveloped in rapt admiration.
"
"the lingo of law makes me pause
when i parse a daft puzzling clause:
""that said agent is causative
if you have proof, positive,
the effect was affected because...""
"
"back when 'girls' wore a slip and a dress
at the office, they'd make quite a mess
with a paper whose back
would turn everything black.
now, thank goodness, we're all carbonless.
"
"over tin plates of beans they all bent;
after supper they started to vent.
in mel's film, blazing saddles,
slim's goon squad did straddles
as each man would add his assent.
"
"though he started on fiddle, don't fret.
cgp was his own sobriquet.
not the doc (with the diet
so dumb i won't try it):
he's that buddy of lester's?he's chet.
"
"""it's theah on the boadah,"" said alice,
as she gave me directions to ""callous""(?),
""you won't get theah today
if you call it calais,
'cause down-eastahs, we rhyme it with malice.""
"
"there's a south asian tree, calamander,
that is striped like a rare salamander.
it's a hazel-brown wood;
d. hirsuta looks good
when it's worked with a plane, then a sander.
"
"in a sub shop outside aberdeen,
on deployment with vp-19,
elsie offered a grinder
which made me remind her:
""i'm anti-, my dear, submarine.""
"
"after death, an abuser and beater
tried to crash heaven's gate, but met peter.
""i demand to see god!""
yelled the odious clod.
""go to hell,"" peter said, ""and then tweet 'er.""
"
"when she's angry, this pretty young miss
will first smile  but then, cat-like, she'll hiss.
since that fills me with fright
(i'm afraid she might bite),
it is only her photo i'll kiss.
"
"when an abscess evolves where you sit,
it's a bother to wonder if it
might require a deep cut
(a real pain in the butt);
though, with luck, it'll pop like a zit.
"
"i am average in height and in weight;
to be average, for life, is my fate.
neither handsome nor smart,
i possess a kind heart.
""you are middling, but mine,"" says my mate.
"
"in my dotage, i yearn for high tea
with sweet scones, devon cream and french brie.
but, regrettably so,
dietitians say: ""no!""
i'm allowed only food that's fat-free.
"
"there was once a disquiet md,
not quite sure what he wanted to be.
till one day, to kill time,
he began to write rhyme
and since then...well, alright, he was me.
"
"wearing shorts, went a man one december
for a jog, but he failed to remember
to protect private parts
(he was lacking in smarts),
so he froze both his backside and ""member"".
"
"if you knew the deep ache that i'll get
in my heart when your life ends... and yet,
having you by my side
when we go for a ride,
i'm still glad that you chose us, dear pet.
"
"both my children say: ""dad, you're the best
writing rhymes."" but, could that be in jest?
for i'd like to disclose
that my friends and my foes
think of me as a fool an' a pest.
"
"for those folks who're unable to smell,
this disorder can often be hell.
but, exposed to the stink
of a skunk, i would think
that anosmia, sometimes, is swell.
"
"little sister, my actions were frightful.
deliberately hurtful ? despiteful,
with each bed-time story
more gruesome and gory,
i kept you up many a nightful!
"
"when a trust fund's terms get in the way
there's a doctrine that's known as cy-pr?s.
norman french for 'as near',
it can help trustees clear
up the impasse to let them convey.
"
"there's this angel, who's bringing some heat
with a two-finger fastball, how sweet!
this one's in the uffizi
but the meaning sure beats me,
like that pipe one by randy magritte.
"
"when she's asked to describe hubby's flaws,
mrs. claus lists her elfin in-laws.
they want grandchildren clausal
though she's post-menopausal!
he's hoping this frostiness thaws...
"
"dude,  in florence, you'd best hold your tongue.
i did not and oh, man, that slap stung!
mom went upside my head
'cause i laughed when dad said:
""dear, i thought only paintings were hung?""
"
"when he acts like he's strappin' his colt on,
he's a bellicose fool and a dolt on
how we should get along;
for this job he was wrong
and i'm glad from his post he'll be bolton!
"
"when their power's unbalanced and checkless,
those in office, our leaders, get reckless.
if in check they're not kept,
some will turn out inept,
if not foolhardy, feeble, and feckless.
"
"why do curves in a hummingbird's snout
fit the arc of a blossom's sweet spout?
is it proof of creation
or coadaptation
the hummingbird's humming about?
"
"miles was midwife on birth of the cool,
taking time out from bebop's 'old' school.
from the west coast they came
and they gave it the name
of cool jazz, and this album's a jewel!
"
"if you added -te you'd be able
to describe a small crock on a table.
but a crocket's observed
as stone foliage, curved,
at the edge of a spire or gable.
"
"while my usual drone's homiletic,
over ccd's buzz, it's frenetic!
for the plight of the humble
bee's causing my grumble.
please? people, don't bee apithetic.
"
"there's a bristol in east tennessee,
where june's 'mother', maybelle (and a.p.),
made the carters the choice.
thanks to sara's sweet voice,
they would plant country's 'first family' tree.
"
"the first lady, with palpable stress,
said to dubya, ""dear, i confess
that the loss of barb's purse
could in fact have been worse
'cause the thieves are now charging much less!""
"
"as i paddled away, he (capriciously)
eyed the grain that was sitting (deliciously)
in the stern of the boat...
damn! that wolf got my goat!
and then munched on the carcass, quite viciously.
"
"'twas the flight surgeon's quick diagnosis
that this pilot had aeroneurosis
and, unless he'd refrain
from commanding his plane,
would soon make an approach to psychosis!
"
"my suggestion for translating datively
for folks who don't speak english natively?
practice linguistic thrift?
simply say: ""as a gift"",
lest you obfuscate meaning creatively.
"
"when the train left the tracks ? its derailment
led to benjamin's freedom's curtailment.
an informant dropped hints
to where cops found ben's prints.
then he learned what remand without bail meant.
"
"when i said, to a blowhard in dedham,
that his chomskian viewpoint misled him,
""oh, noam?"" he inquired.
my rejoinder?inspired:
""we've not met..."" i then quipped, ""but i've read 'im.""
"
"our acquired endowment's been squandered.
it's no wonder that skilled jobs have wandered
far outside our borders.
to create new world orders?
no, only the bottom line's pondered.
"
"uncle micah?a rock hound (renowned)?
spoke of silicate samples he'd found.
he'd remark, ""when they're green,
it's a chlorite you've seen...""
and, on matters chloritic, expound.
"
"i've been sleepless and blue (need a nap)
since you ran off with sue (thought i'd snap).
my discomfort is bad
but i swear i'm not glad
that you're sick (heard ol' sue has the clap).
"
"with compendiousness, a wee space
offers coalesced data to grace
a voluminous topic.
since you are myopic,
you'll love all those facts in one place.
"
"he ignored all the data, to yell:
""global warming deniers are swell!""
that may haunt him the day
we can no longer stay
at his beachfront vacation hotel.
"
"she asked, so he tweeted a ""yes"".
they wed?it was twitter success.
when babies were made,
the ounces they weighed:
one hundred and forty or less.
"
"a demotion may give you the notion
that this downgrade should end your devotion.
but becoming so cross
that you bump off your boss?
not the best way to get a promotion.
"
"you can stop watching tv at night,
quit the team, stow the poems you write,
turn away from a kiss?
yes, detach from all this,
but hang on when you're flying a kite.
"
"there's a succulent, desert agave,
living well in the sunny mojave:
mixing flowers and flies;
bearing fruit 'til it dies;
leaving suckers to nourish the larvae.
"
"as a kid, i would see dentist andy,
who told mom all my checkups were dandy.
but this 'cavity sleuth'
would examine each tooth
and then rot them by giving me candy.
"
"if bulk foods will be shipped to your gate,
just be sure you can handle the rate?
or you'll have to forget
that new dining-room set
and spend suppertime perched on the crate.
"
"with that ditto suit fashioned in gray
and those wings on your collar to stay,
you are not the bee's knees,
for the truth is: in these
roaring '20s, that's s-o-o-o d?mod?.
"
"each month, i send cash to the man
to pay all the bills that i can.
but sadly, my hunch is
there'll be no free lunches
with my cafeteria plan.
"
"said the singer of hair band death's door,
""when the bridge ends at bar 24,
grab the bridge of your bass
and start trashing the place,
while i scream the refrain one time more.""
"
"i took classes and passed the big test,
spent a year with mcgladrey & west.
i can finally say
i'm a real cpa,
and can audit your books with the best.
"
"when conduction/convection take place,
or perhaps radiation's the case,
calorimetry shows
how much heat comes and goes
in a thermodynamical race.
"
"poor bill was an unlucky feller?
bricked his old lady up in the cellar.
well, it all seemed okay
when he hid her in may,
but come august, the whole town could smell 'er.
"
"the aeolian islands might be
the vacation spot perfect for me.
in my yacht i'll set forth
from milazzo, head north
'cross the balmy tyrrhenian sea.
"
"paula raved when i finished my song;
randy said my performance was strong.
but my heart did a flip
when i heard simon quip,
""center stage is the place you belong.""
"
"sergeant mulligan let out a shout?
""hey, you hooligan! you! cut it out!
quit it! cease! desist! no!
knock it off! no more! whoa!""
does he want me to stop? i'm in doubt...
"
"use cartesian-style terms to assign
the location of points not in line.
if the points number three
(plotted ""x"", ""y"", and ""z""),
one and only one plane you'll define.
"
"when the health screener down at the mall
hung a grinch poster up on the wall,
all who passed had to laugh,
'cause the cardiograph
showed his heart was two sizes too small.
"
"in the alps, mon ch?ri, we shall stay;
all day long on the slopes we shall play.
then each night we shall dine ?
french cuisine and fine wine ?
snuggled up in our cozy chalet.
"
"at the church of st. stephen, i creep
down the aisle, making nary a peep,
when i spy on the right
such a gothic delight:
an acute arch quite narrow and steep.
"
"in the chamber of horrors last night,
we all witnessed the bloodiest sight.
a young man lost his head,
fighting three large undead.
glad we knew it was staged (still a fright).
"
"when a thunderstorm's starting to brew,
i won't drive my corvette (it's brand new).
it's the hail that i fear;
that is why i'm parked here.
in a storm any carport will do.
"
"if you watch every step that you take
and you question each move that you make,
then you hope you would know,
as you cautiously go
through your life, that you'll make no mistake.
"
"asked my siamese, dripping and frail,
""what's that caught in your fur, abigail?""
seems she went for a romp
through the neighborhood swamp
and came home with a soggy cattail.
"
"said the wren to the wee cactus mouse,
""this club cholla's for me and my spouse.""
but the mouse dug his den
and the poor cactus wren
had to share the ground floor of his house.
"
"i am positive! this is no fraud.
that's my charge and i feel oh so flawed.
oxidation took hold.
an electron got ""stoled.""
i'm a cation, so help me god!
"
"calliopses for valentine's may
fit the price you are wanting to pay.
but a red-centered daisy
won't drive your girl crazy,
so splurge and send roses that day.
"
"mactavish, that cadgy old scot,
drinks up shot after shot after shot,
then starts making passes
at sweet bonny lasses,
singing, ""ach, what a grand life i've got!""
"
"do you know the ex-congressman who
thought payola was strictly taboo?
after years in the place,
he has turned ""about face"";
now a lobbyist's life he'll pursue.
"
"saintly mother cabrini was sent
by the pope. to the u.s. she went.
there her care for the poor
and the sick was, for sure,
how this holy nun's life was well spent.
"
"when sir lancelot glanced at the sky
and he spied a gold cup floating by,
he then lowered his shield,
and, with reverence, squealed,
""holy grail, angel-borne from on high!""
"
"bun a hamburger hot off the grill.
spoon on chili ? prepare for a thrill.
oh, the grease and the spice
make a taste treat so nice.
hours later you're tasting it still.
"
"as i sat in the office and squirmed,
they examined the hair i had permed.
then the beauty school dean
said, ""congrats, ms. vereen,
now your certification's confirmed!""
"
"in the case of the poor murdered wife,
sergeant james got the shock of his life,
when he solved the last clue,
which then pointed him to
mr. green in the hall with the knife.
"
"if you buy from some guy you don't know,
here's advice: please think twice; take it slow.
""let the buyer beware""
suggests caution and care.
act in haste, you risk wasting your dough.
"
"if some calcium forms as a stone
in your kidney, a lump hard as bone,
when they check, docs will see
if this mass just might be
in a calculous class of its own.
"
"on the grand opry stage, he would sing;
mr. acuff could make the hall swing.
although elvis staked claim
to his title of fame,
to the hillbillies, roy was ""the king.""
"
"went on-line and i found a small yacht.
made a bid and so now it's been bought.
sent my check for the sale
via certified mail;
when it's signed for, i'll know it's been got.
"
"anchovies on hot dogs? now, frank,
i'll be honest?that recipe stank.
really, frank, i must say:
throw those wieners away,
'cause those franks, frank? quite frankly, they're rank.
"
"one candela that's one foot away
is one foot-candle, physicists say.
on each square foot of wall
just one lumen must fall
to create the same bright light display.
"
"passed the funnel cake stand, caught the smell
of the sugary treat that they sell.
oh, that fried-batter mound
is delicious, i've found?
but the calories...oh, what the hell!
"
"'twas daggoo roused the crew just ere noon.
queequeg sprung and he flung his harpoon.
the whale's flurry then splashed
the whole crew. how it thrashed!
soaked, stubb said, ""kill 'im dead?make it soon!""
"
"those lilacs are fragrant, my dear?
i can smell 'em from way over here.
but that redolent smell
makes my sinuses swell;
i'b codgested id secodds, i fear.
"
"""have i taken my daily pills yet?
what's the name of that guy we just met?
where'd my specs go?"" she said.
""oh, they're here on my head.
why'd i come in this room? i forget.""
"
"an equation you must know, of course,
is the one for which newton's the source:
take a mass times the rate
it accelerates, mate,
then that m times that a equals force.
"
"the fine paid by mickelson tin
was because of a maintenance sin.
when they dumped powd'ry fines
down the town's sewer lines,
a very fine mess they were in.
"
"my first day on the job?i'm brand-new.
feeling nervous, i stopped in the loo.
i was in such a rush
i neglected to flush?
holy crap! the vp saw my poo!
"
"clever me, got a deal on my ride!
i mean, sure, the transmission is fried,
and the tires lack air,
but the salesman said they're
quite all right?they're just flat on one side!
"
"electrical wire we reel
around pieces of iron or steel.
when power we run
through the wire ? what fun!
it's magnetic attraction we feel.
"
"the firework-makers who cackle
when seemingly mixing up spackle
are scratching their itch
making dragon's eggs, which
when they burn will ferociously crackle!
"
"it does jobs both gigantic and small:
gives you light, makes you warm, lets you call,
cooks your food, runs your trains;
comes in batteries or mains?
electricity: power for all!
"
"the first freefall exercise mission:
to fall in a stable condition.
arms out and legs back,
hips in front; it's a knack?
you're assuming the boxman position.
"
"when you jump from a plane, falling free,
then awareness of altitude's key.
if you lose it, you'll find
mother earth most unkind?
or great gratefulness for aad.
"
"black powder is easy to spoil,
and dynamite makes me recoil.
this boon for a blaster
is cheaper and faster:
ammonium nitrate and oil.
"
"give a fireworks maker some copper
or its compounds, and if he is proper,
a challenging hue
(that is, deep vibrant blue)
will ensue when we view his jaw-dropper.
"
"""the original and only true
freeman's chlorodyne"": opium brew.
add some chloroform too,
and in alcohol stew
buds of cannabis. ""medicine""? phew!
"
"this skydive must not go awry,
as our stake in this tournament's high.
let us dirt dive this round
(that is, train on the ground)
so we know what to do in the sky.
"
"in this next freefall exercise mission,
you'll move forward at speed. repetition:
sweep your arms down and back,
stretch your legs; you will track
when you've mastered the delta position!
"
"if you'd like to detect or record
your subliminal moves, oft ignored,
use this autoscope widget:
it shows how you fidget.
you can't fool the wise ouija board.
"
"if you melted down silver and spread
it all over the top of your head,
you'd be quite unconcerned
that your chrome-dome was burned;
you'd be argyrocephalous?and dead.
"
"what's that thing over there by the rose?
something anguiform under my nose?
it sure looks like a snake!
oh, but wait, my mistake.
see? it's naught but the gardener's hose.
"
"ask an aphorist, he will attest:
for quotations, old bartlett's is best.
there i found, and i quote,
what a playwright once wrote:
""lord, what fools..."" (i've forgotten the rest.)
"
"long ago, when their foes sorely missed,
fencers risked being nicked on the wrist.
it could finish one's season!
so that is the reason
swords hilted with baskets exist.
"
"in statistics i would've done well
were it not for that beauty, michelle.
though i boned up for weeks
on her bimodal peaks,
i fell victim to curves that were bell.
"
"if prince hamlet, recounting his woes,
both ""to be"" and then ""not to be"" chose,
his soliloquy would
be an instance (quite good)
of antilogy: views that oppose.
"
"the science of bugs, entomology,
doesn't include arachnology;
that's the study of spiders.
but often outsiders
will call it all creepy-crawlology.
"
"an old deep-sea diver named fred
often sinks with a feeling of dread,
so he prays every night
that his helmet's air-tight,
since he's always in over his head.
"
"a botanist taking a flight
droned at length to the man on his right:
""certain plants don't need air.""
""just shut up! i don't care.""
'twas an aero anaerophyte fight.
"
"the bandoneon, a big concertina,
is played all across argentina.
and i give you my word,
for its sound to be heard
just go stand on a corner (esquina).
"
"to avoid using words in excess,
we will often find ways to say less.
for example, he has
or he is shortens as
simply he's with apostrophe s.
"
"there are some who will pray on one knee.
in the past, some would worship a tree.
some may bow to the ground;
some  just swirl all around;
and hasidics will daven times three.
"
"drinking hooch can make vision get blurred;
what one labors to say may get slurred.
the device one will fill
to distill it's a still,
though alembic's a much nicer word.
"
"any thoughts about death i can bear.
i'm not frightened of dying, i swear.
still, when down in the pits
i will read the obits
and be gladdened to see i'm not there.
"
"it's a fossilized gum from a tree
that is mined or else plucked from the sea.
golden amber's admired
and widely desired.
and inside you might find an old bee.
"
"would you like your young horse to obey?
you must give him alfalfa (that's hay)
while you whisper his name.
he'll soon learn that's no game
and, now tame, he will stop saying ""nay"".
"
"william shakespeare was not well-to-do;
amanuenses he lacked, that is true.
so, admiring his words,
let's give thanks to those birds
from whom bill took a feather or two.
"
"though it's oft the effect of a pill,
this condition is one that won't kill.
but when muscles don't rest,
as its name will attest,
acathisia won't let you sit still.
"
"after breakfast of prune juice and bran
(he's costive, you see, poor old man),
he will sit on the throne,
talk to friends on the phone,
and then read till his stuff hits the fan.
"
"""avast with the gigglin', me strumpet!
i'm boarding ye, like it or lump it!""
the lass couldn't stifle
her laugh. ""that's no rifle!
your 'blunderbuss', sir, is a trumpet!""
"
"when you normally talk of a pyre
what you mean is a pile set on fire,
while apyrous means not
catching fire when hot,
and it doesn't describe richard pryor.
"
"dactyl dave thought his ankle might burst;
it was twisted ? a turn for the worst.
so his auntie, a nurse,
fixed his pain (and his curse):
dave's bad foot auntie dactyl reversed.
"
"his ocd's really quite vicious:
to satisfy germ-killing wishes,
when he's prepping to eat,
using pressure and heat,
he first autoclaves all of his dishes.
"
"two syllables stressed, then one not:
so what kind of a foot have you got?
it's an antibacchius.
oedilf has a bias
against them. they spot one, you're shot.
"
"he stood and addressed the large throng;
the address he delivered was strong.
but instead of applause
he got only slack jaws,
since the address he'd gone to was wrong.
"
"well, a model might strike a pro pose,
and the tell-tale heart's a poe prose,
but i wish i could show
some puns more apropos
of the word apropos than just those.
"
"a farmer said, ""son, enough talk.
grab an axe and go slaughter that cock.""
timmy turned a green hue:
""dad, i can't doodle-do
this grim task. i'm a chicken; i balk.""
"
"when a text contains lines thought injurious,
they will often make scholars feel furious.
but there's no need to fret;
one can athetize: set
all those bad parts aside, marked as spurious.
"
"bas mitzvahs (pronounced as in yiddish)
make many a jewish girl skittish.
but reluctant or keen,
they're (at twelve or thirteen)
kadosh now and no longer kiddish.
"
"the crew on the bridge said to kirk,
""with each photon torpedo, we jerk!
we've dilithium crystals
and sleek phaser pistols;
why can't we get seat belts that work?""
"
"the dividend number's what you
divide the divisor into.
""now do your 'gazindas',""
the math teacher grinned, ""as
ol' jethro bodine used to do.""
"
"i have hundreds of ""platters"" to spin,
and a contest each day you can win.
i'm a disc jockey who
is told just what to do:
play the same songs again and again.
"
"if the game that you most like to play
is to slide down a hillside all day,
then abrasion resistance
on your seat gives assistance
to keep it from wearing away.
"
"grandpa's story he swore on his soul:
one point down, when the inbound he stole;
then he deked to the right,
cut back left and took flight
and he slammed home the game-winning goal.
"
"if a governor worthy of praise
(in algiers in its ottoman phase)
was the greatest of all,
then i guess you could call
this fine leader the best of all deys.
"
"in our physics class, old dr. leach
(dalton's law he was trying to teach)
says when gases are mixed
in a volume that's fixed,
total pressure's the grand sum of each.
"
"hate to dial (622) 813-
2641. this number, you see,
when i call, always busy,
sets me off in a tizzy.
i can't access my darn isp.
"
"when a state has a need it must fill
and its work force picks up a new skill,
acquired endowment,
a phrase which is now meant
to describe what occurred, fits the bill.
"
"when king henry had wed anne boleyn,
pope clement denounced it as sin,
leading henry to press
the archbishop to bless
and decree he could marry again.
"
"an aulete's most common pursuit
is producing a hoot and a toot.
no, it isn't an owl
or a tea kettle's howl,
but a guy playing tunes on a flute.
"
"an astrophile's likely to spend
many hours staring up without end
at the twinkling night sky.
seeing stars, for this guy,
makes his telescope start to extend.
"
"behind the sun, where we can't scan it,
there's a strange hypothetical planet.
antichthon, it's called,
and you might be appalled
when you learn that australians man it!
"
"basal bodies attach the flagella
to a swimming microbial fella.
they sit at the pole
to accomplish their goal:
linking cellular boat to propella.
"
"the host gave the priest this directive:
""don't come, or you'd render defective
my one-to-one map:
for each lady a chap,
and vice versa; my party's bijective.""
"
"if a plunge through the air brings you mirth,
choose from building, antenna, span, earth.
wear a 'chute when you jump:
if you land with a thump,
what you'll need (but won't get) is rebirth.
"
"a cartographer, tiring of earth,
left for mars in the mapmaker's berth.
areography's great!
plus it's helped him lose weight
(though without a reduction in girth).
"
"in bed, on the floor, in a chair,
be it nude or in nice underwear,
try erotism allo
(alone is so callow),
'cause sex is more fun in a pair.
"
"every player we have is plebeian,
except this chilean named ian.
heroic, ideal,
though weak in the heel,
on the whole ian's quite achillean.
"
"in your babehood your life was so mild.
you were innocent, still just a child.
but you're now a young man,
so a girl's babehood can
(and assuredly will) drive you wild.
"
"""circumcision is nothing to fear,""
i'd been told, till a friend grabbed my ear:
""it's a thing to be missed.
at eight days, i was brissed,
and could not walk for almost a year!""
"
"when a man of the cloth gives a sermon
(be it latin, french, english or german),
it taketh great skill
to preach 'thou shalt not kill'
in a hood lined with mink, stoat or ermine.
"
"sis exclaimed, when dad started to holler,
""it's not even the same funeral parlor!
you said not to date bill,
but that's bob's coupe de ville.
it's the hearse of a different caller!""
"
"the first 48 states? just say conus.
it's an acronym?and, as a bonus,
may name mollusks as well
(those of conical shell).
if you find any more, kindly phone us.
"
"the corncob holds corn when it's ripe
and to grandpaw provided his pipe.
and when tissues weren't near
he'd say, ""shucks, lend an ear!
it'll serve in the end as a wipe!""
"
"my wife has a penchant for baking
desserts which are sweet, rich, and flaking.
she can smile, caked with flours
from strenuous hours
of pieing, and tarting?and caking!
"
"declan patrick macmanus can bellow
to basses, or croon with a cello.
when armed forces aim true
spike can turn almost blue,
trust our brutal youth, elvis costello.
"
"in hindsight the bigamist saw
his arrangement was not without flaw.
since he'd gotten re-wed
he had less of the bed,
not to mention two mothers-in-law.
"
"when christo &amp; jeanne-claude were flirtin',
of her openness, chris was uncertain,
till he told her her shape
had him thinking of drape?
""but i'm willing, you fool, draw the curtain!""
"
"now chirashi's the sushi to fix
when you need a quick nosh; you just mix
fresh raw fish (thinly slice)
on a bed (flavored rice);
serve with soy sauce, wasabe. use sticks.
"
"any pipe?when a liquid goes through it?
has a name that is hard to intuit.
start with kahn-dit. sound stiff? wrong?
then switch to a diphthong:
choose kahn-doo-it, ?dyoo-it, or ?djoo-it.
"
"yeah, you'll rock when you play on his daxophone
(though your glockenspiel's fine, this gem packs a tone).
you'll get bach from a tongue
(on a block) which is sprung.
please don't knock it?he'll bring out his saxophone.
"
"any author's unwise, if she spells
with helvetica's guise?that foretells
of a baffling surprise,
for (unless she'll revise)
you'll be thinking her ""is"" are her ""ls"".
"
"maybe arrowheads (pop name) should go;
that misnomer's a whopper, you know:
some are spear points?on top
of an arrow, they'd drop
to the ground and could chop off your toe!
"
"it's a c; up a half step from that
is c-sharp (also known as d-flat).
if the half step is down,
then the note of renown
is c-flat (but a b's where it's at).
"
"some say: if a bigot's incensed you,
why tell him of pain he's dispensed you?
you think he'll rescind?
don't piss in the wind;
assume that the odds are against you.
"
"disestablishmentarianism,
to the church, was barbarianism.
so, with power not scanty,
priests sponsored an anti,
which blessed non-contrarianism.
"
"some play matches (esrb rated).
others claim to be human (misstated).
bots can search through the media,
maintain wikipedia,
or swamp us with spam (unabated).
"
"at seven i've not much to tout,
but when i grow up i'll have clout.
i'll sit at a steinway
and play a divine way
in concerts completely sold out.
"
"those letters and numbers you copy
(the ones that look wiggly and choppy)
are captchas, to let
you through on the net
(they don't if your typing is sloppy).
"
"some babas are found in a galley.
eat several and forth you will sally
to track down the bum
who stole baba au rhum
to pass on to the baba named ali.
"
"when a ""bam!"" and a ""pow!"" shook the room,
we all thought we were facing our doom.
while no one could explain
those explosions in maine,
it was clear 'twas a bangor a-boom.
"
"that line ba-ba-ba-ba-barbara ann,
in a limerick? no, not a good plan!
though a big beach boys hit,
this song's beat (i admit)
just won't fit when this hit hits the fan.
"
"i've wondered what dentist would conjure
a torture device (orthodonture).
at first it seemed grand,
then he glued on a band!
'ow eye ow uh-uh-ih-uh eh aw-eh.
"
"a baleen is a type of a whale,
which sharp sailors' harpoons would impale.
their baleen strains the krill,
of which whales eat their fill,
but as whalebone formed corsets for sale.
"
"begin with a zero or one,
add commands and you start to have fun.
start defining a rule ?
i  think if/else is cool ?
compile, and you're basically done.
"
"are amnions needed? in fact,
they help keep a baby intact.
holding fluids, they cushion,
'til mom starts a-pushin'
sayin', ""high time this womb was unpacked!""
"
"bring home bacon, my wife said today,
and with that sent me off on my way.
could i foul up this list,
or ... just what have i missed?
neither roger nor francis will say.
"
"captain ahab's impossible mission:
effect moby dick's circumcision.
yet, it's my tale to tell?
call me ishmoyel?well,
it's a jewish cetacean revision.
"
"those folks who behave atheistically
will tell you they live realistically.
to attend to one's self,
not to angel, nor elf,
is the game that they play egotistically.
"
"""i love blazon,"" the herald enthused.
""it can mean 'coat-of-arms' or, when used
as a verb, 'draw it nicely'
or 'write down precisely
in words that leave lay folks confused.'""
"
"in a bar's where this story unfolds:
""don't eat till you burst!"" someone scolds.
ernest keeps munching tapas
(a favourite of papa's);
he swells, but for him the belt holds.
"
"mix wine, shallots, tarragon; soak.
add emulsion of butter and yolk.
nap this sauce, called bearnaise,
on a steak as a glaze.
it's quite rich, so don't drink it like coke!
"
"the asexual beast didn't heed
the instinctual impulse to breed.
you'd think bigfoot would care
about lacking an heir;
yeti just didn't see any need.
"
"when pursuing an amorous prey,
you might hear a biologist say,
""hey, let's grab us a cab,
head on back to my lab,
and i'll show how we swap dna.""
"
"a heraldist, one night, got plastered
and mixed up the terms he had mastered.
he started a trend
changing sinister bend
into bar; his new term was a bastard.
"
"king midas had skills transmogrific,
though the concept is unscientific.
his touch, it is told,
changed his daughter to gold.
it turns out that his ""gift"" was aurific.
"
"a featherweight boxer named joe
took a dive, 'cause he needed the dough.
it was such a disgrace:
his foe blew on his face
and he fell, as if struck by a blow.
"
"a flexible heraldist, wendy,
does yoga, because it's so trendy.
her tights bear designs
of diagonal lines:
both her outfit and body are bendy.
"
"as a consonant, y can suffice;
as a vowel, it's sharp and precise.
it's two opposites fused.
maybe that's why y's used
in the word antisyzygy thrice.
"
"on a night with no moon, deadly black,
something sinister looks for a snack.
no mosquito or leech
is the cause of that screech,
but the bloodsucking count who's named drac.
"
"would-be heralds, at heraldry schools,
must be taught all of blazonry's rules.
there they learn all the dirt
about argent and vert,
azure, sable, or, purpure, and gules.
"
"the small local herald's shop, marge's,
is struggling, while armsmart enlarges
its corporate coffers
with two-for-one offers:
bicorporate, two-bodied charges.
"
"though it's daunting, the mountain's back-end
is the slope she prefers to descend.
boy, that girl sure can ski!
she's an expert, you see,
so black diamonds are this girl's best friend.
"
"as autocratrix, catherine led
all of russia, and aided its spread.
and, although she was ""great,""
there has been much debate
'bout how much of that spread was in bed.
"
"the genome is sequenced at last!
if you want to search through it, and fast,
to find shared pairs of genes,
use computerized means.
try this program: it's really a blast!
"
"some have claimed that lear's limericks are boring.
repeated first lines lead to snoring
and they're lacking in jokes,
so i side with the folks
who assert that lear's limericks are boring.
"
"two stacked sets of wings makes a biplane;
a third on the top makes a triplane.
but to stack 'em ten high?
i don't think that'll fly.
it's a cad cut-and-paste-gone-awry plane.
"
"how watson and crick must've trembled,
when they saw rosie's x-rays resembled
crossed circles. ""well gee!
a-t and g-c,
in a helix base pairs are assembled!""
"
"when aiming for fortune and fame,
it helps to adopt a big name.
though tom cruise is quite short,
he had longer support:
lafayette ronald hubbard's to blame.
"
"i would never have written this quip,
but a teacher once gave me this tip:
the associate state
means the pay ain't so great
but it makes a professorship ""hip.""
"
"there are bands which play music all night,
and some others hold barrel staves tight.
one small band is a cell
that comes rushing pell mell
when there's massive infection to fight.
"
"o'er the baltic, ships seaslessly rolled,
and the latvian sailors were bold.
the estonians, too,
with lithuanians who
formed some states in a war which was cold.
"
"if it's coccal, you know that it's round.
doesn't matter where these germs are found,
be they strep, be they staph,
an infection's no laugh
when bacteria hold the high ground.
"
"just a few months have passed since the rains
filled the brambles and branches and canes.
now some ursine (he's nude!)
makes a mess with his food?
see the bare bear bear bearberry stains.
"
"many bachs were composers, you see,
from j.s. to his son c.p.e.
j.c.f. was one too.
(they disown  p.d.q.,
since he wrote a toccata in z.)
"
"smart dressmakers dare not apprize
a good customer of her new size.
strong seams that won't rip,
plus a well-zippered lip,
will contain those remarkable thighs.
"
"though you might find an ascaris round,
you won't want to know where it's found.
this intestinal worm
can make strong doctors squirm
as they view a ""routine"" ultrasound.
"
"in more erudite scripts from the past,
there was badinage too good to last.
now the actors explode
like some stopped-up commode
and make films that i wish i had passed.
"
"brazen steven at college said, ""look,
ain't no way i will pay for this book?
let me have it for free
like i'll get my degree,
sailing past any class i don't hook.""
"
"i've wanted to ask an attacker,
""say, who is your sponsor, you hacker?""
we often waste time
at the end of the crime
and we never get back to the backer.
"
"i won't breathe a word, but i saw
arnold s. lifting weights in a spa;
he benched five fifty-three
anaerobically,
as each hoist fought his pecs to a draw.
"
"on bank:  bridge abutments there rest.
en banc: to all judges attest.
in bank: where the money
had best not be funny?
you bank on it being the best.
"
"before planning to travel to basel,
abandon the dogs, for their paws'll
scratch swiss chocolate grooves
everywhere that one moves,
leaving messes to hose with a nozzle.
"
"it was barrie who wrote of the boys
who vowed never to give up their toys,
with their neverland plan
and their boss, peter pan.
quite the fame which sir james still enjoys!
"
"there are various kinds of balloons ?
tiny catheters, mighty pontoons ?
but they all must inflate,
and most kids think it's great
when balloons take their shapes from cartoons.
"
"before filming each day i would slog
across dim foggy moors, through a bog.
sherlock holmes was the part
i took deepest to heart,
like a rathbone in search of a dog.
"
"they say that our land's antidrug
(except for that drink in your mug).
this mad drug war is hell,
where you can't even tell
if a soldier's the cop or the thug.
"
"has my buddy gone totally bonkers?
he says soon he will take over yonkers.
i think he's bananas ?
hired hip-hopping plannas
to pick the next place that he conquers.
"
"this one diagnosis was missed,
and oh boy, how my girlfriend was pissed.
all those tests that they took,
when they just had to look
to discover a bartholin cyst.
"
"under charges for breaking three laws,
he declared a declarative clause:
""if you send me to jail
and you disallow bail,
you'll have sentenced a man without cause.""
"
"a copist will imitate such
as he likes (you might call it his crutch),
or he could take dictation
for paid compensation.
the guy's innovations aren't much.
"
"to push anything downward: depress.
people's spirits, or pitches, or, yes,
even pedals in cars.
when a value was ours,
you depressed it?that is, made it less.
"
"on the game show he wins, ever tireless;
but his prizes leave betty desireless.
for his wife's in the know:
she's aware that her beau
has been given the answers by wireless.
"
"the comedian staged a mean trick.
he requested a volunteer, quick.
well, i leaped, hearing that;
but i learned it was at
the expense of yours truly. that prick!
"
"matter orbits or curves or stays straight,
solid, liquid, or gaseous in state,
but how atoms are placed?
close or far, how they're spaced?
makes its denseness, or per-volume weight.
"
"with the noun bastinado, you're choosing
one of two definitions. confusing?
it's sinful soles meeting
vindictive-type beating;
it's also the club that you're using.
"
"not a vase in good shape could be found.
children crase things; they're rash; they astound.
fragile objects can break,
splinter, crack, by mistake?
just get broken?when kids are around.
"
"in the kitchens of poland, we eat
a stew made of cabbage and meat.
the pot simmers for days.
served with wine, our gourmets
call it bigos?a great slavic treat.
"
"he heard word on the fate of his daughter,
who's in business. blown out of the water,
the man was surprised,
shock and fear undisguised.
but her ""killing"" was profit, not slaughter.
"
"all the airplay you get will add up:
soon the royalties top up your cup.
count the times your song's played
and make sure you get paid;
pay your ""dues"" and they'll see that you sup.
"
"most prison cell windows are barred,
which can make getting out really hard.
it's as tough (don't you know it?)
to be a great poet,
so give every bard his own guard.
"
"a bay is a horse of that hue,
and some people call laurels that, too;
it's a hound's hunting call,
or a window (three-wall)?
san francisco's? a waterfront view.
"
"when the doctor says, ""open, say 'aah!'""
some gag on that stick and say, ""gah!""
but to look at your pharynx
(though not at your larynx)
your uvula moves?hip hurrah!
"
"many gadgets have proven a pain:
kitchen nemeses, nearly my bane.
still my friend bain-marie
is so handy. you see
how a water-bath keeps sous chefs sane?
"
"some bars denote pressure, not pleasure,
like those bars which serve drinks at your leisure.
some bars form a cage,
while at other bars rage
those who advocate each legal measure.
"
"aghast, i just stared at the screen.
forgive me, but what does this mean?
like, some duck talking to
all these guys with no clue
could convince me insurance is keen!
"
"give a camera this lens (achromatic),
and you'll find it a breeze (automatic)
to lessen the fringe
of stray colors whose tinge
makes your photos far less cinematic.
"
"aluminum cans by the train
lead to profits (there's yet more to gain!).
could some copper compete,
or just sour the treat
and make beer we would pour down the drain?
"
"a bank shot? that's bouncing a ball
off a wall or a rail so to fall
through a hoop or a hole,
scoring points or a goal.
you can bank on then winning it all.
"
"""the lion lies down with the lamb""
i interpret as scam for the ram.
anagogic delight
is my god-given right;
hidden meanings in scripture? hot damn!
"
"the word conqueress isn't alone
in denoting its meaning; less known,
the word victrix does nicely
(a bit more concisely):
the dame wins the war on her own!
"
"with biology terms it's traditional
to be clear and concise, definitional:
""since it's part of,"" i'd say,
""or results from, decay,
rotting flesh must be decompositional.""
"
"the absolute monarch decreed:
""every law must conform to my need!
i will let it be known
you can't challenge the throne!""
?making democrats angry indeed.
"
"the oedilf's lexicographers go
and get creant?obscure word, i know.
it describes a creator,
idea formulator:
taking nothing and making it grow!
"
"a cryoscope measures how hot
for a solid to melt, but that's not
all its use?for it sees
just how cold for the freeze
of a liquid (in case you forgot).
"
"each person's got depth (i say ""deepness""),
a measure of trueness... or cheapness.
an honest guy's ""deep"",
but i find if you leap
into pits that are deep, you find steepness.
"
"to a drunk passerby i ascribed
the epithet ""man who imbibed"".
did his fists disagree?
well, i can't pronounce ""v"" ?
but heck! i'm just glad i surbibed!
"
"you don't know what it means? what a rube!
something cubiform isn't a tube,
nor a cone, nor a sphere,
nor a torus?now hear!
it just means that it's shaped like a cube.
"
"they dated for years?never wed,
until she grew impatient, and said,
""you have got to propose.
yes or no? or who knows?
things like this must be brought to a head.""
"
"to save both your tongue and lips toil
when wrapping up foods that would spoil,
you may shorten your speech
if you do what i teach:
call aluminum foil ""alfoil"".
"
"i am snacking on cheesecake one day,
when i wonder what's in it. i say,
""what could constitute this?
which ingredient's bliss?
it's the fat from the curds?whoa, no whey!""
"
"if you go to the tailors' fine coat sales,
and your shopper's speed, often of note, fails,
find the patron (he'll gloat)
who has purchased your coat;
perhaps you could ride on his coattails.
"
"in the old days, a guy could comprint.
it means print alongside; there's a hint
there of ties that will bind?
if you willingly signed
your own name to another guy's stint.
"
"just arrange fallen limbs, tangled brush:
when the deadfall trap springs, it will crush.
the deadfall mass dives,
takes the silly prey's lives.
(last season, i caught a blind thrush!)
"
"the porthole is open! the storm
will blow into our ship! i inform:
shut the deadlight, now. fast!
till the tempest has passed,
'twill be dark but we'll stay dry and warm.
"
"the archer was steadily firing,
but his enemy wasn't expiring.
with her shield she'd deflect
(that's ward off, stop, reject)
all his arrows, but now she was tiring.
"
"if you buy all the stock from the store,
so there's none of that kind anymore,
it's coemption. you'll love
your monopoly of
all the stuff that some folks want to score.
"
"if it's birdhouses you wish to build,
you'll wonder with what they are filled.
it is birdfeed, or nuts,
seeds, and pods; yes, that's what's
to put in 'em. the birds will be thrilled.
"
"as a youngster, i loved to devote
all my time to the books authors wrote.
i was avid! and now
i spout adages. how?
well, i plagiarize (steal what i quote)!
"
"there's a quadruped babe of the screen.
(those with kids surely know who i mean.)
now this cute talking pig
had a hit (really big!)
and a sequel to clean up the green.
"
"when wise balthazar came with a gift,
it gave joseph and mary a lift.
but he couldn't have known
that his offer had sown
the first seeds of sectarian rift.
"
"acidification is handy
(but not in the making of candy).
it stops apples from browning,
and piemen from frowning;
the tartness it adds is just dandy.
"
"bay area rail's like a sport,
a sprint 'neath the bay, port-to-port.
remember, don't flex it,
that ticket's to exit.
dagnabbit! ran one letter short!
"
"angiotensin-converting
enzyme is used for alerting
in a hormonal sense;
it makes arteries tense
to squeeze blood to the spots that are hurting.
"
"appropriative barely describes
the settlers who tricked native tribes.
with deceit and demands
they laid claim to the lands,
and that earned them some very bad vibes.
"
"a bb's a small metal pellet.
you'll find that some toy stores still sell it
for the air-powered ""daisy""
kids play with?it's crazy!
shoots eyes out, as mothers foretell it.
"
"before owning its own gamblin' spots,
a big maker of pinball and slots
let some others play host?
leased machines coast to coast?
yet now helps folks get rid of their pots.
"
"bay area women took pride
and, demanding some answers, they cried:
why are victims still blamed
and harassed and, yes, shamed?
rape's a stigma we'll no more abide.
"
"if a pitcher is charged with a balk,
then all runners on base get to walk
once the ump gives the word;
thus a runner on third
can then trot down that line made of chalk.
"
"albeit, a wonderful word,
makes some erudite folks sound absurd.
say ""al(though) be it,"" see?
not ""the gnats all bite me,""
nor ""hey, al, bait a trap for that bird.""
"
"there's a toddler i know (little girlie)
whose hair is delightfully curly.
bouncy ringlets like springs
dance along as she sings,
spins, and waltzes. (her pink dress is twirly!)
"
"must the flowers bloom roadside in vain?
you'd stay dry-shod indoors? where's the gain?
though our shoes may get wet,
still we'll never regret
a good romp through the woods in the rain.
"
"bumbling barney tripped over his dad.
(two left feet had that daydreaming lad.)
the enraged mr. phelps
out-roared barney's own yelps.
(not a must, but it helps to be mad.)
"
"girlfriends laugh, ""go to minsk! study medicine.
with our copperplate, they'd never let us in.
    but a scrawl like yours is
    custom-made for the biz.
for an md, cacography's nyet a sin.""
"
"as you sail between denmark and sweden
through the kattegat strait, please be heedin'
all the treacherous rocks!
wish your boat had some shocks
to absorb every unfriendly greetin'.
"
"it's a state in which something is rotten,
where explosive cartoons can be gotten;
from the baltic's cold shore
juts the home of niels bohr,
land that pastries are eaten a lot in.
"
"this chair, once well cushioned, now flat,
undeniably shows where he sat.
what changed cushion to slab?
an abundance of flab,
for he's corpulent, i.e., he's fat.
"
"i'm a midnight-oil-burning machine;
cups of coffee galore keep me keen.
now i'm sleepless in bed
with an ache in my head?
could it be i've had too much caffeine?
"
"a cylinder seal was a way,
back in mesopotamia's day,
to impress. your design
(once you'd carved out its line)
you'd imprint, rolling over the clay.
"
"bobby bought a cute rooster that's small,
and although it is not very tall,
nutty breeders will choose
to pay money and dues,
yes, and even wear one to the mall.
"
"though i can't say we walk at all gaily,
my barrister takes me there daily.
he's no rumpole (by far),
yet the best at the bar?
called ""the beast"" in that court (the old bailey).
"
"a wee bairn is a scotsman's new kid,
while a cairn marks out something he hid.
but that berne in the heights
lent its name to the rights
to control what he wrote or he did.
"
"for proportions that seem quite immense,
the term biblical makes the most sense.
from goliath's great height
to leviathan's might,
it's a scale of outlandish extents.
"
"when down-easters make sausage, it's meat
cased with salt, herbs and spices, complete.
british breakfasts (not plain!)
might be served up in maine,
where a banger in bangor's a treat.
"
"the election is over, at last,
and what once was the future is past,
but leave on your coat
and get ready to vote
for those windbags will soon be re-gassed.
"
"though far tinier, still, a bacillus
resembles somewhat amaryllis.
it is spiky and long ?
a bacterial kong.
some make vitamin k, and some kill us.
"
"a bannister helps a new lodger,
especially if an old codger.
this rail runs up stairs
(either one or in pairs),
but not quite like the runner named roger.
"
"now a bale is a unit of cotton,
and bail, bucks to spring folks who're rotten.
there's a biblical name
sounding almost the same:
it is baal, for gods now forgotten.
"
"i used to perform quite athletically
(and i could've gone pro, parenthetically)
for old notre dame
in their catholic game.
since i fell, i perform more heretically.
"
"latin roots can be tough, but you could
look at english words; and, if you would,
you'd find male- means ""bad"",
""causes hurt"", and ""is sad"";
but its opposite, bene-, means ""good"".
"
"our forefathers fled persecutionists,
bonding as bold revolutionists.
they fashioned a charter
to govern them smarter.
we people are all constitutionists.
"
"i stare at that blank-canvas hue
and it seems to declare, ""entre nous,
colour me? my complaint:
if you dare try to paint
over me, i'll decolourize you!""
"
"in a far land the king was despotical;
his purges were hot and zealotical.
and there wasn't a doubt
that the dead ones were ""out-
of-the-fire-and-into-the-pot-ical"".
"
"there was slightly too much animation,
at a party of throbbing vibration,
for the heart of old mac,
ailing, under attack:
'twas subjected to defibrillation.
"
"in the cold war of latent hostility,
it was seen as an utter futility
to withdraw to one's tower.
nuclear arms: so much power
superseded all defensibility.
"
"arthur dent's house they planned to demolish.
deputations were sent to abolish
any doubts (might cause trouble):
""your house will be rubble?
don't complain?after all, it was smallish.""
"
"the daguerrotypist brought you bad news,
or feigned to, with silvery views.
""who was that she kissed?""
there would later exist
in that blurred, slow exposure, no clues.
"
"though the elderly don't like obscurity,
for they've passed their ""new gadget maturity"",
if they hear the word virus,
they soon are desirous
to upgrade computer security.
"
"while he talked to his fans at the forum,
his cleverness started to bore 'em.
they said, ""socrates, jeez,
will you stop it now, please?""
but he didn't; he'd awful decorum.
"
"to the genius inventor (or three)
who first brought alarm clocks to be:
your device is a blessing,
i must be confessing,
but don't expect blessings from me.
"
"crooning melodies rare, dear heart-singers?
gather all your dreams here?be their bringers.
i've blue cloud-cloths. inside 'em,
i'll carefully hide 'em,
away from the world's too-rough fingers.
"
"'neath my bed, dirty socks have grown fragrant.
no socks? at an interview? flagrant!
got cold feet, still in bed;
it's this job search i dread.
enter mom. here we go: ""you're a vagrant.""
"
"when you're drilling through layers of rock,
you had best keep an eye on the clock.
gone too long without scoring?
it's time to stop boring.
(the same rule applies when you talk.)
"
"when you're drying your wash by machine,
take a look at the lint-catching screen,
for it's bound to be filled up
with dryer lint buildup
(or blue crayon wax, as i've seen).
"
"""quick! pajamas,"" i sing out. ""skidoo!""
""it's too early,"" they chorus, on cue.
i say, firmly, ""small fry,
your bedtime is nigh.""
""but mommy!"" ""i'm counting to two!""
"
"my computer has been on the blink,
and those technical help people stink.
asking, ""why does it stall?""
i'm addressing the wall.
time to buy a new laptop, i think.
"
"to produce your own chocolate chips,
melt some chocolate. drop single drips
on a surface, to harden.
but, begging your pardon,
you don't need more fat on those hips.
"
"said holmes, ""upon closer inspexion,
i deduce there is no real connexion.
that clue my devoted
man watson just noted?
red herring! it's just a deflexion.""
"
"sorry, jack, that loud bow tie won't hack it
when you're wearing a fine dinner jacket.
it shows that you took
too few pains with your look.
as for style... well, quite simply, you lack it.
"
"yes, achilles does well to conceal
all the gossip that isn't genteel.
there are rumours inflammatory?
highly defamatory?
that he'll squeal if you tickle his heel.
"
"being valorous? let's think it through.
when there's danger, you've got to review
every choice from the start of it,
cuz the much better part of it?
courage?is having a clue!
"
"it is time that's controllable here;
back or forth you can steer it! don't sneer?
the reliable bill,
having admirable skill,
tells you just when he honed it: ""next year!""
"
"we call several fish devilfish, though
we've no reason to treat them as foe.
take the gray whale and manta
and octopus?can't a
fair trial be held? yes or no?
"
"well, i worked on this limerick all day;
now it's perfect, i really must say.
you can trust me; i know
what i'm doing here, so
if you'd just be so kind, r.f.a.
"
"desertion? you're running away?!
heard you say you would stay till the day
of our army's m?l?e
with the great u.s.a.!
?but you think we can't win? oh, okay.
"
"they invited their friend to the ""castle""
(they'd play kings and make him play the vassal).
""what a child's game!"" shouted
the friend, and he pouted,
""when you're old, having fun is a hassle.""
"
"going deasil? i learned this in school.
it means travelling clockwise. it's cool?
through the day's constant run
it is said of the sun;
it ""moves deasil"", without any fuel.
"
"a guy grows his crocus crop here.
he's a croker?the best, without peer.
then he harvests a profit,
makes cash and lives off it,
selling saffron at market each year.
"
"here's the doc's diagnosis: no germ'll
be blamed for your rashes. the thermal
attacks which you feel
on your skin will soon heal.
not internal?the problem is dermal.
"
"welcome, ma'am. (don't get ink on your dress.)
here's our new-fangled cylinder press.
this inked type plate lies flat.
here's the cylinder that
rolls the paper across it?no mess.
"
"streets aglitter?well, whadayaknow?
brooklyn's blanketed thickly with snow.
(are the snowplows on hold?
has the mayor been told
that the storm ended four days ago?)
"
"in the chanukah play that our class did,
you could see what the greek army (vast) did.
then the maccabees beat 'em?
restored jewish freedom?
and the lights they lit lasted and lasted.
"
"there once was a girl from new york
who complained, ""no one likes how i talk!""
with an attitude cruddy,
she kvetched, ""you sound nutty!
don't mock how i talk! take a walk!""
"
"as they lay face-to-face, tum-to-tum,
each sweet babe sucked her sister's small thumb.
perfect eye contact, too, had
the bassinet duad.
i watched all the sweetness, struck dumb.
"
"when antiochus banned torah study,
my chavrusa (my study hall buddy)
shlepped our scrolls to a cave
in judea. he's brave!
but that tale of the dreidel? too nutty.
"
"""dagbani is spoken in ghana,""
said my know-it-all aunt from botswana.
""its linguistic group's gur.
now i hope you'll make sure
to remember these facts."" (i don't wanna.)
"
"better hide your pet dragon-cub, james;
daddy's mad, and it's you that he blames.
for your dragon (god bless!),
as he sneezed on gran's dress,
made it deflagrate?burst into flames.
"
"did you hear about jerry last night?
got his left side cut off in a fight!
lost a leg, lost an arm?
but no cause for alarm:
i've been told that by now he's all right.
"
"""this monotonous weather's to blame!""
i hear solomon crossly exclaim.
""it's annoying, not stopping,
all day drip-and-dropping.
(a quarrelsome wife is the same.)""
"
"the ejido's the old aztec way:
land belongs to its workers, ok?
(so those mexicans say
who regret that today
nafta capitalism holds sway.)
"
"in our garden, a mushroom appears:
funky clathrus?red lattice-work spheres.
what a stink! (phew! humungous!)
the smell of this fungus
has totally brought us to tears.
"
"i had run out of cash, so i stole some.
(it's a habit distinctly unwholesome.)
my behavior was bad.
the story is sad,
which is why, when it's told, i look dolesome.
"
"at a party, i'm counted upon
to keep yapping till everyone's gone.
that's not so bad, now is it?
but sis says to visit
this therapy group: on anon.
"
"hail the day when i'm wrinkled and gray,
when society's rules fall away!
want my bus seat? ain't budgin'!
i'm a surly curmudgeon?
cantankerousness is okay!
"
"so you're visiting africa, joe?
can't do egypt, so where will you go?
choose damaraland; roam	
with damaras. their home
is on central namibia's plateau.
"
"all one powerful muscle that quivered,
racked with pain, in a cold sweat i shivered.
now she's here! pink and loud,
she's made grandmas all proud.
hard work? nah, we had her delivered.
"
"leaving piracy, keeping my hoard.
no more crossbones for me, praise the lord!
neath a gold-leafed black ash
i've interred all my cash.
yo ho ho! now my spirit's restored.
"
"to my darling toothed whales, i bequeath
this cool, chewable dolphin-shaped wreath.
(they're all denticetes, betty.
they're odontoceti.
porpoise, sperm whale ? the dear things have teeth.)
"
"the dual alliance? there's two
(which is kind of ironic, but true).
one joined russia and france
in pre-bolshevik dance;
number two was the tsar's waterloo.
"
"i once was poltroonish, a coward,
but somehow my bravery flowered
and flourished till i
was a stouthearted guy,
and no longer felt weak, but empowered.
"
"emptiness!  that's what's within
this bottle once brimming with gin
before (whoops) i drank it.
now i'm under a blanket
attempting to sleep off my sin.
"
"the man in the car that i cut off
was fuming and shouting his butt off,
then  gave me the finger,
a dactyloid zinger,
and threatened to cut my left nut off.
"
"if there's something you don't merely face
or morosely concede is the case,
but you gladly admit,
what that tells me is it
is a fact that you've come to embrace.
"
"he's someone you ought not displease.
though he isn't a councilman, he's
a powerful player,
best friends with the mayor,
a regular ?minence grise.
"
"""whatever your dreams, they're achievable!""
are you credulous, trusting, deceivable,
a gullible fool?
if so, i guess you'll
conclude that this drivel's believable.
"
"my darling, i'm glad you're embraceable.
the reason i say this is traceable
to only one source,
and that is, of course,
that hugs are like love: irreplaceable.
"
"in spite of the time i devote
to learning my lines, it's just rote.
they're flat, unappealing,
when mouthed without feeling,
but i never learned how to emote.
"
"a poem about shepherds and sheep?
an eclogue might put you to sleep.
but though it's been peppered
with words of a shepherd,
at times it sounds salty and deep.
"
"when rick wrote his doctoral thesis,
called limericks:  a full exegesis,
by savvy or luck it
sold big in nantucket,
and now he is richer than croesus.
"
"""cut two overlapped circles,"" said gran.
""use this glass (or a clean tuna can).
they look great! and i'll emphasize:
cookies cut crescentwise
take up less space in the pan.""
"
"in that ode, schiller's words flowed like water.
""wax effusive, yes that's what i oughter!
joy's not born of this world,
but from heaven unfurled.
i shall call her 'elysium's daughter.'""
"
"made from letters and slashes and dots,
ascii art has got character?lots!
choose a font with potential:
fixed pitch is essential
to keep all the jots on their spots.
"
"entomologist, calm uncle eric'll
hardly be getting hysterical.
""this is not a black widow?
it's less deadly, kiddo.
they're relatives, though?congenerical.""
"
"it's that spindly electrical tracing
of the pulses that set your brain racing?
thus providing the backing
for the surgical hacking
your skull will tomorrow be facing.
"
"""heed your father's words,"" solomon wrote.
""and your mom's got a message; take note.
for the wise things they've said
are a crown for your head
and a necklace adorning your throat.""
"
"""stones are cumbrous,"" says sol, ""as a rule.
this huge sandbag? a load for a mule.
but both burdens combined
are less weighty, you'll find,
than the heavy brute wrath of a fool.""
"
"the dish i invented tonight
gets the random additions just right.
secret flavorings spike it...
oh, try it. you'll like it!
i'm calling it ""tuna delight.""
"
"mix some cream cheese with sugar (a lot);
then add two or three eggs. oven hot?
give that pudding a bake.
(hey, let's call it a cake!)
""have a piece?"" ""just a tiny one."" (not!)
"
"to be cream of the crop you pretend,
and your arrogant insults offend.
got too big for your britches?
a rule applies, which is:
you will be exposed in the end.
"
"eggdrop soup contains eggs, and so i
understand that the name it goes by
includes the word egg.
so it should.  but i beg
your pardon:  who dropped it, and why?
"
"if you must smoke a cuban cigar, go
to cuba, since all cuban cargo
is stopped at the border
by government order,
america's cuban embargo.
"
"though i'd guess that the devils in hell swear,
and sailors at sea, i've heard tell, swear,
i don't care for wailing
in brimstone, or sailing,
so for swearwords i'll have to look elsewhere.
"
"in elsinore lived a young dane
who may or may not have been sane.
he cried, ""life's  a curse!
but to die may be worse!
what's better now? goin' or stayin'?""
"
"the oedilf has one basic assignment:
to give every word its definement
in five rhyming lines.
each limerick defines
a word and provides its enshrinement.
"
"a large flightless bird!  you may deem you
know just what it is, so you scream you
are seeing an ostrich!
but no, that's prepostrich!
its feet have three toes.  it's an emu.
"
"we sailed from the bay and we prayed
to remain on the course we had laid,
but it wasn't to be.
the winds from the sea
blew so hard that our ship was embayed.
"
"the rise of a counter-insurgency
will trigger a state of emergency
for any insurgents
who view the emergence
of counter-insurgents with urgency.
"
"at my funeral, chant a sweet psalm
to console those who loved me and calm
their grief as they kneel
by my body and reel
as they learn my last words:  ""don't embalm.""
"
"it can injure the core of a nation
and sap its robust population
if it ever should prove
advantageous to move
and its citizens choose emigration.
"
"a duck who loved popcorn once hosted
a popcorn soiree where he boasted,
""i've always loved corn
since the day i was born,
and i will till the day i am roasted.""
"
"she couldn't stop sneezing and coughing.
she explained, ""i don't mean to be scoffing,
but i'm highly allergic
to things dramaturgic.
there must be a play in the offing.""
"
"eden, for those who still cleave
to the bible, means ""garden where eve
and adam once dwelled
before being compelled,
for eating an apple, to leave.""
"
"when i pause to consider my brain,
paradoxically that puts a strain
on the brain that i pause to
consider, because to
consider things causes it pain.
"
"when milking a cow, warm your hands.
that's something a cow understands.
cold hands on an udder
will make a cow shudder,
and tickle her mammary glands.
"
"to connote means to hint or imply.
i can't see a good reason why
i should add a and t
to connote, so for me
this connotate nonsense won't fly.
"
"if i boasted four wheels, like a car,
and a motor, you'd find it bizarre,
but also a blessing.
with quick gpsing,
my love, i'd soon be where you are.
"
"in elsinore castle, a dane
with vengeful thoughts eating his brain,
said, ""wait!  though i feel
that my dad's ghost is real,
perhaps i'm confused or insane?""
"
"to air is to publicly say.
but to err  (said like air) means to stray.
although many prefer
to pronounce it like ""urr""
you won't err if you choose either way.
"
"elliptical speech is obscure.
it starts, but then takes a detour.
you can't pin it down.
should you laugh?  should you frown?
is that truth in your ears, or manure?
"
"if it's craniosacral, the nerve
will facilitate functions that serve
to allow us to rest,
get aroused, and digest?
several functions i'd like to preserve.
"
"i've got little or no common sense.
i paid someone to paint my old fence;
said he needed a tool
and ran off. i'm a fool!
such denseness! such needless expense!
"
"presbyterian courts represent
several parishes each, which consent
to send elders to meet.
i wish i held a seat
in a classis, if that's what is meant!
"
"i joined up with nine other men;
our decury (that's group of ten)
has some details we're blurry on.
for one, our decurion
(our leader) went missing again.
"
"we have artilect?that is, machines
with what looks like real thinking on screens.
but although they produce
conversation diffuse,
they will never quite know what it means.
"
"we all know the regular robot,
but the factory uses a cobot:
when mere humans won't do
the machine pulls them through,
till the power's off?then they've got no bot.
"
"your descendant has wed (that's your child).
you could tell when he smiled he'd beguiled
some dainty young lass.
let some twenty years pass
for a line of descendants gone wild.
"
"if you're buddhist, the dhamma (a word
that we borrow from pali) is heard.
it's the teachings of buddha,
propounding as good a
nirvana as any conferred.
"
"a musician named gito baloi
played guitar mighty well as a boy.
baloi's also a pretty
small philippine city,
and a language the bantu employ.
"
"got a bigram (just two letters long)
playing scrabble? it's hard to go wrong!
seeing be, me, and no
beside he, we, and dough?
which one of these doesn't belong?
"
"though it's true that she hasn't changed hue,
when she's sad, sue will sigh, ""i feel blue.""
(why use, to mean tearful,
a color so cheerful?
i haven't the foggiest clue.)
"
"dear daughter, i think i've been had.
you're destroying my car, and that's bad!
with your joyrides i'm through:
no more car keys for you.
you're disprivileged! sincerely yours, dad.
"
"blank verse means your poem has no rhyme,
though there's meter?it does sort of chime.
were this lim'rick blank verse,
it would suffer the curse
of a workshop delay for all time.
"
"chocolate chips are intended to go
into cookies (the dieter's foe),
or in muffins for brunch?
but some greedy chefs munch
till there's none left to put in the dough.
"
"those new t-shirts on which i'd been banking?
their desirableness has been tanking.
""vote obama for prez,""
all my merchandise says.
now i'm losing my high credit ranking.
"
"i'm a loafer; my handiwork's shoddy.
my days are so nappy and noddy.
in my childhood (gone by)
i had one lazy eye;
now it's spread to the rest of my body.
"
"to the amateur potter i say:
we use slip (that's a creamy-thin clay)
to smooth-coat or embellish.
but lumps can be hellish!
deflocculants melt them away.
"
"my sister's ob said demurely,
""it's bed rest for you. rest is surely
the way to continue
the pregnancy in you;
else baby might pop prematurely.""
"
"this one's orange (the hue, not the fruit);
it's a colorful, crisp garden root.
eat a carrot a day?
get your vitamin a?
and you'll give your eye doctor the boot.
"
"for some reason, her simple demand
(in her day) was thought way out of hand.
""voting's not just for guys!
you can learn, fairness-wise,
from wyoming, that wild western land.""
"
"a dozen? but why? what forecloses
one less? still, what everyone knows is
you're scarcely a gent
if you only present
eleven long-stemmed perfect roses.
"
"cochlear implants?  some cheer
to be told they might finally hear!
but others say, ""damn!
i'm just fine as i am!""
and they angrily turn a deaf ear.
"
"the earth is the place where we dwell.
some describe it as heaven, some hell.
and both may be right.
on earth, when it's night,
it's always half daytime as well.
"
"all the fools who don't think have long thunk
that these beasts don't forget, but that's bunk.
like me and like you,
an elephant, too,
may forget what he's packed in his trunk.
"
"elitist: an ivy league wimp
who tells you what wines go with shrimp,
and who painfully sighs
at the fool who implies
man didn't start out as a chimp.
"
"denay means the same as deny.
in fact, there's no good reason why
you ever need say
""that's a charge i denay.""
the word's obsolete.  let it die.
"
"egoist: noun meaning someone
who thinks he's the smart, you the dumb one,
and feels he alone
should hold forth and intone
as you sit there and listen, the mum one.
"
"if da pope was a dog or a cat pope,
a pig or a skunk or a bat pope,
den i'd  be emphatic in
begging da vatican,
""please, pretty please, dispope dat pope!""
"
"i like it here.  nevertheless,
what door might i use to egress?
i have no thoughts of going,
but still i find knowing
the exits reduces my stress.
"
"edginess.  that's my aesthetic.
off kilter.  disturbing.  emetic.
intense, avant-garde,
half true, half canard.
disgusting.  prosaic.  poetic.
"
"emerge means to come into view,
to appear, as if out of the blue.
think of buds bursting forth
in the springtime up north,
or the sun after rain peeking through.
"
"the english you find in the plays
of shakespeare was not like today's.
doth did what does does
but none knew that doth was
predestined to be a mere phase.
"
"you know that a study's controlled 
when half of the patients enrolled
got placebos instead
of the drug, and they're dead,
while the other half just got a cold.
"
"that cake that you baked for me? gracie ate it.
that steak that you cooked for me?  stacy ate it.
it seems my sad fate
is to keep losing weight,
but please!  i'm already emaciated!
"
"my son is still small, embryonic.
the sole glimpse i catch, ultrasonic.
he's a doll made of cells,
but the heart in me swells
and i cry like a baby.  ironic.
"
"my image of lofty urbaneness
might morph into one of profaneness
were i not to decline,
as i do, to define
the hole in one's butt called the anus.
"
"my wife said, ""i must be emphatic,
bold and concise.""  so dramatic!
""what is it my dear?""
she said, ""let me be clear:
your girlfriend can't live in the attic!""
"
"for you, this sincere benediction:
may your urine flow free of restriction.
may the timespan be brief
from the urge to relief
and may you always enjoy your emiction.
"
"though elicit may sound like illicit,
there's a giant distinction:  don't miss it.
illicit: the law
has been broken.  but draw
something forth and elicit's complicit.
"
"e'er's not the breath you're inhaling
or what fills up your sail when you're sailing.
it simply means ever.
today it's used never,
but poets once found it availing.
"
"he was wanting a shot (the photographer)
of the friends of the great oceanographer.
but to count them, he knew
his own math wouldn't do;
he was forced to consult a demographer.
"
"if you're looking to choose destination,
here's a thing that deserves dissertation:
to pick right or pick left,
one would oft be bereft
of the first, without dextroclination.
"
"when speaking in manners ironic,
'tis hard if you're not anglophonic.
it's sarcastic ? or is it?
(we'll need to revisit.)
yes, english can be quite demonic!
"
"if it's warthogs you wish to detusk,
i advise that you try it at dusk.
they don't fight in dim light,
so you might do alright?
if you think you can handle the musk.
"
"the airline had upped its high rate.
the passenger moaned, ""this, my fate!
i am short by a dollar;
i'm going to holler!""
he delirated, then, in a state.
"
"while i stared at our second course (curry),
i observed that the currants were furry.
it appeared to be mold?
which will grow, i am told,
when the currentness goes, in a hurry.
"
"when the piece (one by nino del tendo)
was getting quite near to the end, oh,
it seemed such a strong
sort of close to the song:
with a climax, and no decrescendo.
"
"two clergymen sat at a junction,
and one was approaching defunction.
the other priest, crying,
""it seems he is dying!""
proceeded to give extreme unction.
"
"feeling pain after leg amputation,
she began to massage the location.
each day she applied
potent lotions, but sighed ?
it got worse (the result: acerbation).
"
"they watched me with mild disbelief
as my summary lagged, to their grief
(i was using their time).
so they griped, ""it's a crime?
we'd like a brief briefer, you thief!""
"
"i'm ""attending"" a cyber school now
(99% ""passes"", they vow!).
my work gets assessed
by an email-sent test.
wish me luck, 'cause i need it somehow!
"
"mum died, and my dad shortly later?
so devised by some holy creator.
no parents i had,
and my prospects were bad.
my deprivement could hardly be greater.
"
"feuillet? (proven?al) is a dish
made of pastry. inside you'll find swish
types of goodies. such filling
is usually thrilling?
unless it is mashed to a squish.
"
"orange rind, creamy flavour: that's chaumes,
a soft cheese that calls southern france home.
it can have a strong smell,
but it's liked very well?
for a taste, many miles i would roam!
"
"some schooling?that would have been better,
but now i can't read, write a letter.
i'm lacking in knowledge;
i wouldn't make college.
blind ignorance?such is my fetter.
"
"""the esquiline hill (esquilino)
and the aventine hill (aventino)
are two hills of seven
in rome (where it's heaven
to sit with a large cappuccino).
"
"lovely farmhouse for sale (or for rent)
plus some farmland (ten acres) in kent.
i see nice wooden gables,
and there must be some stables
(i can tell by the sweet equine scent).
"
"let us celebrate, have a festivity,
with song, dance and merry activity!
so, have a wee dram,
'cause a winner i am:
and to party, well that's my proclivity.
"
"my femaleness i cannot hide
(women's features outside and inside).
my voice is soprano,
i loathe schnapps, love cinzano,
and one day i may be a bride.
"
"i'm as brave as a knight; i am fearless,
and folks who don't cry, they are tearless.
but life without crying
or fearing or sighing
for some would be, seemingly, cheerless.
"
"if you're looking for diplomats, go
to a place in the city i know
where ambassadors dwell.
they work there as well,
and they call the place embassy row.
"
"these days all the pundits agree mail
is not what we're told used to be mail.
some say it was better
to read a ""real"" letter,
but paper can cut you.  send email.
"
"the world is not ours, can't you see?
it's elmo's!  he shares it for free.
for twenty years plus
he's been chatting with us,
but not once has he said i or me.
"
"""i think ?.""  descartes paused. ""do i dare go
and tell you now what follows ergo?
what's that?  you insist?
very well.  i exist!
and my feet hurt.  now, where did my chair go?""
"
"van gogh's starry night is fantastic,
with colors that swirl, orgiastic,
a scene that immerses
the viewer. this verse is
about it, and therefore ekphrastic.
"
"this hot dog is dull.  let's embellish
its surface with mustard and relish.
you see now how pretty
it is?  what a pity
digesting this crap will be hellish.
"
"""to be or to not, that's my query,""
said hamlet one day, sad and weary.
""death brings release,
oblivion, peace.
on the other hand, that's just a?theory.""
"
"both a flame and a year fade to ember.
observe, at the end of december,
a word that's implying
the year's flame is dying
but burning enough to remember.
"
"what's the life that i secretly want?
to be free as a young bon vivant.
every night, sex and booze,
every day, shop and snooze?
trendsetting, chic, au courant.
"
"we're packed and prepared to embark
on a drive that won't end until dark
when we finally reach
the fort lauderdale beach.
but dammit, the gear's stuck in park!
"
"chemoradiotherapy gets
together two therapy sets:
chemotherapy and
radiation?they're grand
to fight cancer and some other threats.
"
"a femme is a woman or wife;
that is, female ? well, most are! ? for life.
she might be a nurse ?
or be driving a hearse ?
and a rhyming slang partner of ""strife"".
"
"cyberbullying: that's when one gets
(through the internet) slurs and/or threats.
such as, ""rotten gay guy!
you should curl up and die!""
the receiver it surely upsets.
"
"veraloe is my acronym; check?
there's no room for mistakes, because, heck,
just three words form my name
(and my mum's were the same).
i'm veronika ? lo?nnec.
"
"new york's called the empire state.
it has sixty-two counties to date,
like st. lawrence, oswego,
monroe, and otsego,
whose hall of fame (baseball) is great.
"
"my decision to pose in the nude
in the classroom was not at all shrewd.
first the girls looked insulted,
then fighting resulted...
and rows, plus a long drawn-out feud.
"
"liz fearfully walked through the park
late at night. it was frightfully dark.
then a sudden shrill shriek
drove her fear to its peak?
she imagined a ghost shouting ""hark!""
"
"your fere (scottish: fier) i am, dear,
your companion. you know i am here;
you can count upon me.
i hope some day to be
your dear wife (one more meaning of fere).
"
"i make a confession, i fess:
my schooling was scanty (you'd guess!).
no italian or french,
i'm an ignorant wench,
and my maths isn't zero; it's less!
"
"my garden is oblong in shape,
and the puppies inside can't escape,
'cause it's fully fenced in
(lathwork slender and thin
and adorned with a shiny red tape).
"
"an anticorrosive prevents
the corrosion of metal. my fence
is all painted in red
(brought about by red lead)?
a defence which saves later expense.
"
"my friend is eurafrican, yes.
his mum is moroccan (from f?s).
his dad's european,
a scotsman named ian,
whose brother was drowned in loch ness.
"
"my mother was breton, and fred
(my father) was german, it's said.
they're both dead, but their wench
veraloe was born french,
'cause my dad and my mum were unwed.
"
"neighbour's cur is a nuisance, no doubt,
and each day i hear somebody shout,
""sir, i do beg your pardon:
he's fouling my garden.
there's feculence down there, throughout.""
"
"current income: that's dollars and cents
earned from dividends, interest, or rents.
my income is current-
ly rather deterrent
to spending a lot, so i'm tense.
"
"mr. geoffrey e. duke obe:
what a motor bike hero was he!
six world championships
he bagged on his trips,
plus lots of tts and grands prix.
"
"do i egotrip? not at all, no!
i just like all my lim'ricks to grow
from line one to line five,
and i'm sure they will thrive
when they're signed (truly yours, veraloe).
"
"the educationist, signed up to teach me,
had unsavoury plans: he'd beseech me,
""my dear veraloe,
can't you see my love glow?""?
but his chalk-covered paws didn't reach me.
"
"a state in southeastern u.s.
is called florida (not my address)
or the everglade state,
and the weather is great,
so it's sunshine state, too? answer: yes!
"
"i'm a cybercrook; i am a cracker
(in german, they call me a hacker).
my cronies all know
me as crook veraloe,
and they say, ""she's the boss. we can't sack her.""
"
"a state in northwestern u.s.?
one is washington state, as you'll guess,
or the evergreen state
(that's a name tr?s ornate,
which i've known since today, i confess).
"
"those who raised me were poor, with no dough
they could spend on a daft veraloe,
who loathed work, hated school
and liked acting the fool?
how i made it? you don't want to know!
"
"european economic community
(eec) was a good opportunity:
european states (six)
got together to fix
a base for political unity.
"
"my elfishness means i am elfish
(that is mischievous, weird, but not selfish).
one bloke made a start,
""veraloe? bless my heart!
she's intractable, just like a shellfish.""
"
"enigmatic, you sometimes display
certain signs of your love, but you say
""oh, my dear veraloe,
if you love me, you'll go,""
then turn round and start walking away.
"
"when things have been bad, something pleasing
is a change for the better, or easing.
so, let's get together
in much better weather,
or share a hot bath when we're freezing.
"
"enlightened: that's what i am not.
no knowledge or insight i've got.
without formal schooling
i'm good for some fooling,
and most of my limericks are rot.
"
"i am earnful: i'm eager to learn
much more english, my central concern.
i can make a good start
with oedilfian art,
though there's certainly nothing to earn.
"
"befitting, competible, suitable
are synonyms, hardly inscrutable.
my knowledge of this is
much less than of kisses,
and that is by no means disputable.
"
"were i eagle-winged, then i might fly
like an eagle, far up in the sky.
with these elbows i've got,
i can certainly not?
though to raise them can make me feel high.
"
"my dinner guest... how do i please her?
no pizza from out of the freezer!
fresh parmesan cheese!
and some nice an-cho-vees!
it's a dish you salute: ave caesar!
"
"luigi emitted a groan:
""this is nobody's fault but my own.
i'm thoroughly beaten.
i shouldn't have eaten
that fifth pepperoni calzone.""
"
"the base runner has a good lead
and he's known for his guile and speed.
when the pitcher rears back
he begins his attack?
leaving third for the run that they need.
"
"said the doctor while having a peek
at my chronically sickly physique,
""i fear that it's clear,
there's no anesis here.""
but at least he could say it in greek.
"
"serenading a maid with my lute,
i'd a sudden incentive to scoot
when along came her pappy
with quite an unhappy
expression beneath his barbute.
"
"a pitcher who's giving his all,
but throws ball after ball after ball,
should prepare to be leaving
'cuz he best be believing
the bullpen is getting a call.
"
"barbiturate drugs are a class
that will knock you down flat on your ass.
to enjoy their effects
you will need an rx,
or police are inclined to harass.
"
"a bricklayer, massive and burly,
through no fault of his own was named ""shirley"".
""call me hank"" was his plea,
and when showing i.d.
he was apt to grow violent and surly.
"
"a creative young man from carrera
took a poster by hanna-barbera
and stuck it with glue
to an old piece of shoe.
""et voil?!"" he said, ""arte povera!""
"
"acephalocheiria means
you're unlikely to join the marines.
it is also a loss
to your skill at lacrosse
and enjoyment of ethnic cuisines.
"
"a pricklesome plant is the cactus,
and, no matter how one might attract us,
it takes muscle control
to swallow one whole,
and probably decades of practice.
"
"""i move that our venue be changed!""
said the lawyer. ""your honor's deranged
by the fact that my client,
who sits there defiant,
from your daughter ? his wife ? is estranged.""
"
"my life was unhinged and bourgeois,
so i turned to my roots, et voila!,
i grew out my beard
and torah i revered,
becoming baal teshuva.
"
"the story of minnie the moocher
(the lowest-down, hoochiest coocher)
was an excellent fit
for cab calloway's wit
and provided quite well for his future.
"
"two med students had a palaver
over picking their study cadaver:
""this one ? uncanny! ?
looks just like my granny.
so here you go, pal, you can have 'er!""
"
"astrophobia means you won't soon
be watching a jetsons cartoon,
since they frequently race
through the reaches of space.
even calling their dog makes you swoon!
"
"a ""b"" at the top of your test
denotes that you're not quite the best.
while ""a+"" receivers
are over-achievers,
you're there in the back with the rest.
"
"a cowboy named lucky lagrange
was a failure out riding the range.
he stunk with a lasso,
and found old el paso
was addling, perplexing and strange.
"
"there once was a man from fox chapel
who was cursed with a huge adam's apple.
one morning bad luck
caused his hash to get stuck,
and with scrapple the apple did grapple.
"
"in the age of the glory of greece,
if you're captured for killing your niece,
you'll soon see the archon
basileus's mark on
the order to jail or release.
"
"""you are aloe, hmm, vera,"" said chris
(sussexdownsman?we know him as this).
his near-anagram name
has two a's?all the same,
veraloe herewith blows him a kiss.
"
"expeditionary ""points"" to armed forces
sent abroad with all sorts of resources
like tanks, guns, and planes.
legion condor in spain's
one example (they didn't need horses).
"
"my feminineness (femininity)
is known in our local vicinity.
i'm wearing high heels,
and a mantle conceals
my womb with its yet unborn trinity.
"
"""i absolve you, my girl,"" said the priest,
""but not 'cause your sister (deceased)
stole your boyfriend, young will,
and that led you to kill;
that's exonerative? not in the least!""
"
"definition has this definition:
explanation of words ? that's its mission ?
stating meanings, like scrubbing
means ""cleaning by rubbing"".
for more definition i'm fishin'!
"
"when euro- is part of a word,
then europe can somehow be heard:
euroskeptical minds
would pull down the blinds
if eurobond debts were incurred.
"
"my fine-featured face looks so grim
'cause i'm sad ? that's except when i swim.
an aquarian friend
says i shouldn't depend
on my looks, but on swim skills ? like him!
"
"i'm an echoer making an echo:
""i'm an echoer making an echo,
an echo, an echo,
an echo, an echo.""
an echoer's product's an echo.
"
"the school that i had to to attend
for a month, i will not recommend.
'twas a school run by nuns
and a faith school where one's
trust and faith were destroyed in the end.
"
"the jackpot is mine ? ain't it funny!
life will change, and the future looks sunny!
folks felicitate me
and applaud, but ? oh, gee! ?
what they're after, i fear, is my money.
"
"i'm fictitious: i do not exist,
and my name, which appears on your list,
is clearly a fiction.
i may face eviction
and how will i know if i'm missed?
"
"mr. franklin d. roosevelt's zeal:
""all you folks ought to have a new deal.""
he was four times elected,
which no-one expected?
fdr had tremendous appeal.
"
"the french call this river escaut
(it's schelde to belgian folks, though).
fleming h. van de velde
was born near the schelde,
and it's scheldt which in britain they know.
"
"in a federated country i dwell,
known as germany. ja, it is swell.
sixteen l?nder therein
include states like berlin,
schleswig-holstein, and saarland, as well.
"
"some guy fred was my dad. he was bad.
never married my mum, which was sad.
then she died giving birth
to a girl (not much worth).
dad got mad. he had wanted a lad.
"
"since all manner of funds have receded,
my life is severely impeded.
though i don't like to stress
over spending much less,
this economisation is needed.
"
"my cooking was quite the fiasco,
a failure, and so said chef vasco:
""the sauce in this pot
is outrageously hot?
too much pepper, yes, too much tabasco!""
"
"my fearlessness: absence of fear
to submit english language verse here.
though it's not half as good
as it ought to be, should
i improve it, there might be a cheer.
"
"last night i was blowing my nose,
and a blood vessel burst like a hose.
blood ensanguined my skirt.
though it did look like dirt,
the dark stain had the shape of a rose.
"
"like a coal fire, but cleaner and neater,
is this dainty plug-in kind of heater.
electric, this fire
has a switch and some wire,
and the energy's counted by meter.
"
"in the delicatessen, herr sam,
once as kosher as passover lamb,
makes a handwritten sign
that says ""three ninety-nine
for a half-pound of black forest ham"".
"
"if you need a solution, and quick,
to inheritance woes you can't lick;
if your half-brother's grown
far too fond of your throne,
a bastard sword might do the trick.
"
"my birthday has come, whoop-dee-doo,
and now i'm a hundred and two.
they'll give me balloons
and a bowl of stewed prunes,
then i might fall asleep on the loo.
"
"my biopsy came back today,
and all that my doctor could say
was, ""put down the martini,
eat only zucchini
and maybe you'll live 'til next may.""
"
"in europe, americans stare
very rudely at underarm hair.
they even take paxil
to deal with the axil-
lary fashions they find over there.
"
"the archaeolithic is viewed
as an age that was brutish and crude.
it's hard to believe
what there was to achieve
could go much beyond mating and food.
"
"an androgenetic conception
is fatally flawed from inception.
it's forced to begin
with no yang for its yin,
a decidedly tragic exception.
"
"a gullible tourist named rita
was eating a sandwich on pita.
the waiter said ""ma'am,
you're enjoying the lamb?""
but he knew it was really akita.
"
"nearly ev'ry damn song you can play
that was written way back in the day
begins with a terse
introductory verse,
then after goes aaba.
"
"the barbwire fence and the train
reshaped the american plain.
it's no longer a home
where the buffalo roam,
and none of the cowboys remain.
"
"for men with more muscle than charm,
the biceps are parts of each arm
that are often displayed
as a visual aid
to those they would like to alarm.
"
"to do what the abbadids done
when they had all of spain on the run:
set out from seville
and conquer at will
and then fall in ten-ninety and one.
"
"when i queried a wizened old swami,
in a marketplace, dusty and balmy,
""what's the secret of life?""
he replied: ""find a wife,
and some cacciatorini salami.""
"
"my writings are often entwined
with words of the four-letter kind.
my tone is ferocious,
my grammar, atrocious;
but my cursive is neat and refined.
"
"fabricius' (he of the bursa)
anatomical studies diverse-a
on the organs of birds
left us one of those words
that we're stuck with, for better or worse-a.
"
"the baker, a grumpy old fart,
is well past the prime of his art.
the reviews of his peers
that he oft volunteers
are always both crusty and tart.
"
"aeronomical studies begin
way up where the atmosphere's thin.
they break down its gases,
and all that which passes
in processes working therein.
"
"i hollered across the field, ""sucker!
you ride like a fat, drunken trucker!""
then i spurred on old tony
(my trustworthy pony)
and scored four more times in that chukker.
"
"an aragonitic formation
is different in crystallization
(a very specific
point scientific)
from those of calcitic persuasion.
"
"just a simple repast, on the lawn:
a fris?e topped with tropical prawn,
then a comp?te of fruit
paired with pheasant en croute
and a nice cabernet sauvignon.
"
"when a photograph's image gets cropped,
the top, bottom or sides might get lopped.
you should edit each pic
to make sure it looks slick.
plan a layout that just can't be topped.
"
"it was written by f. scott fitzgerald,
a short tale of a man's life imperiled.
'twas a curious curse;
he lived life in reverse.
mister benjamin button, we herald.
"
"the appointments and dates that he took,
pa would scrawl in his day-timer book.
""hey dad, i will pay
for a new pda
if you'll key in that gobbledygook.""
"
"in the sunday school held after mass,
the delinquent would always cut class.
if the principal found him,
his father would ground him
and he'd never be able to pass.
"
"see that girl with the devilish smile?
she's a flirt with the knack to beguile.
you'll get nothing but trouble.
better run, on the double,
lest you fall for her charm and her style.
"
"clever conchoids were drawn to untangle
the old challenge to trisect an angle.
mathematically
it's a curve, fourth degree,
whose equation plots points graphs can wrangle.
"
"in your company's chart of accounts
you can organize all the amounts.
you'll get no funny looks
when they audit your books.
then your bottom line you can announce.
"
"call to order! we're running too late
and i move that we close off debate.
i have counted a quorum.
those attending our forum
should now vote and elect the whole slate.
"
"an anxious old lady named helen
ran over my schnauzer (the felon!).
her sedan's gps
was distracting, i guess.
seems that she was distrait of magellan.
"
"a group of most talented surgeons
seeks out every patient's perversions.
each abnormal exam
is to them a grand slam.
divergences? yes! they're diversions.
"
"crippleware, demoware, baitware
are programs that run, but what ain't there
is the key or the code
or the printable mode;
'til you pay, it's annoying not-greatware.
"
"in our civilized, westerly nations,
the cola wars flooded our stations.
how often we saw
such a bouleversement?
both disorder and u-syrup-ations!
"
"i've found with a bit of frustration
fire and wire may receive elongation,
for some say, ""the wi-er
has started a fi-er!"" ?
a harsh dissyllabification.
"
"""my darling, our love's diuturnity
is sure! i'll be yours for eternity!""
""while i do like that plan,
would you still be my man
if our passion should lead to maternity?""
"
"at the alley with alli, i told her
that  bowlder means ""big rock,"" like boulder.
""it's pronounced just the same,""
i said during the game.
then she won ? well, i've never outbowled her.
"
"when you're cirrate you've tendrils to flex.
all the uses for them still perplex.
they're protection: a coat,
used to eat, locomote.
for some mollusks they're handy for sex.
"
"if you like to crack ciphers and codes,
a career in cryptology bodes.
you'll get deeply involved
while enigmas get solved.
help as secrecy melts and erodes.
"
"yes, i know. sir, it's really a pity
your request was denied by the city.
since we know comitology
we need no apology:
we run the whole thing by committee.
"
"much to limerick lovers' frustration,
i am giving this verse decurtation.
you will never arrive
at my witty line five,
"
"i gave my fair lady a rose
and a sonnet. she turned, and i froze:
in rejecting my amateur
iambic pentameter,
she said i'm far verse than the pros(e).
"
"in the musical show carousel,
rodgers/hammerstein's songs all excel.
though his gift doesn't please
his young daughter, louise,
billy bigelow steers clear of hell.
"
"crunch some cracklins when you need a snack.
they can grow lots of artery plaque.
rinds of pig skin and fat
get deep-fried in a vat.
they're a cajun-food-fueled heart attack.
"
"amber's tight denim shorts (daisy dukes)
earned her ogles from bo's and from lukes.
exposing her cheek
was the butt of critique
heard in pta moms' loud rebukes.
"
"though chuck barris, producer of games,
broadcast newlywed, dating (their names),
we have thought, all along,
his most famous was gong,
where acts suffered through panelists' flames.
"
"if you're craving a snack with some zing,
grab a zesty, fried buffalo wing.
lay the bleu cheese on thick;
add a celery stick.
it's a munchie that's fit for a king.
"
"the audit showed much disarray,
so decertify my cpa.
it's a shame he lays blame
on his abacus frame
for the bottom line going astray.
"
"at carvel they have soft serve for sale
served as cookie puss, fudgie the whale,
flying saucer, brown bonnet,
or cake with crumbs on it.
one lick makes you smile without fail!
"
"tony curtis lit up the marquee
in trapeze, captain newman, m.d.
because some like it hot,
bernie schwartz tied the knot
with wife janet. they spawned jamie lee.
"
"neapolitan's baked with thin crust,
and sicilian is thick and robust.
but chicagoans buy
pans of deep-dish cheese pie.
it's the source of new yorkers' disgust.
"
"linda, denny and paul's record spun.
it's the wings album band on the run.
they jammed such a hot set.
fans love ""bluebird"" and ""jet"",
and the title track hit number one.
"
"if agyrophobiacs meet
on the north-eastern side of the street,
and some others reside
on the south-western side,
the groups remain wholly discrete.
"
"the heartbroken academe sobs:
""a cold fact of history robs
us! i'm sorry to say,
there was no earthly way
for john calvin to meet thomas hobbes.""
"
"the bassoonist succumbed to his greed.
there packed in the case with his reed
was a heroin brick
he could sell mighty quick.
a contraband shipment, indeed!
"
"at the final performance, last may,
at our supper-club-slash-cabaret,
the curtain was ripped
when the chorus girls slipped
on the band leader's missing toupee.
"
"cosmetology, friends, is the art
of pulling at strings of the heart
by shellacking a face
with junk by the case
and otherwise tarting a tart.
"
"the last time my grandmother tried
to dance to some barrelhouse stride
her ankles objected;
her corns got infected ?
but mostly she wounded her pride.
"
"that anti-semitic old boor
finds the west side so hard to endure.
since he'd rather catch pox
than eat bagel with lox,
he thinks zabar's has zero allure.
"
"a cajun, whose name is boudine,
is sunburned, well-callused and lean.
he's been barely surviving
off fresh-water diving
since turning the age of thirteen.
"
"""one hopes that sweet heaven forfends a
second seventeen-minute cadenza!""
all the concert hall screeched
when the temperatures reached
an oppressive one hundred and ten-dza.
"
"behold you the fish they call ""cat""
on whose spine i once painfully sat.
they say it's good fried
but i've never yet tried,
for my taste for the cat has gone flat.
"
"nineteen dancers onstage to audition
had their resumes, smiles and ambition.
it had hamlisch's score
and won tonys galore.
breaking ground was a chorus line's mission.
"
"all the evidence shown has been damning.
the defense team had better start cramming.
all the witnesses swear
about who, what and where.
soon the jury may set jail doors slamming.
"
"if you write algebraic notation,
use the infix style for the equation.
using polish, you know,
is much less apropos
to describe the expression's relation.
"
"hypertension is making you ill?
you may take an atenolol pill.
it's prescribed by your doc
as a beta-1 block.
this prescription you'd better go fill.
"
"a bright mathematician, raul,
is a tenured professor at school.
he used algebra (math)
on a pivoting path ?
solved a matrix with just cramer's rule.
"
"big bad bluto was popeye's buffoon.
they would battle throughout each cartoon.
each loved olive (ms oyl).
her charms made their blood boil.
with her swee'pea, she'd watch them and swoon.
"
"labor's c?sar e. ch?vez fought fights
over workers' low wages and plights.
every grape-picking hand
assured pickets were manned.
he helped migrants obtain civil rights.
"
"through the arteries, through every vein,
the heart pumps all the blood they contain.
this biology story,
known as circulatory,
maps a network of tubes with no drain.
"
"watch criss angel use legerdemain.
he'll escape a straight jacket or chain.
a surprise levitation
dupes the mindfreaking nation.
are his stunts, maybe, stunting his brain?
"
"at the stock market's trading day's end,
my poor broker just can't comprehend
why the closing price of
all my stocks are above
the investments that he'd recommend!
"
"i would hurry and cancel the check.
this new sofa you bought is a wreck.
though the price may be steep,
the construction is cheap;
it's garbage ? unusable dreck.
"
"at the campfire i sat on a loggerel
a-singing this snippet of doggerel:
""on monday it's sunny,
on tuesday it's runny,
on wednesday, you're lost in the foggerel!""
"
"""use a down-bow!"" i angrily said;
""draw the frog out, away from your head.""
said a kid with a frown:
""but my bow has no down ?
i thought we used horsehair instead.""
"
"as you aimlessly wander around
you may find a nice rise in the ground.
made of bouldery clay,
it's a whale shape. i'd say
it's a drumlin, a glacier-made mound.
"
"the circumference of circles is found
using pi times 2r.  that's more sound
than to circumfer yardsticks ?
a stupid and hard fix
to measure our planet around.
"
"i was just a bit hungry (voracious),
so i went to a fruit stand (vexatious).
""have you peaches or cherries?
almonds? plums? elderberries?""
""no, just apples, sir. nothing drupaceous.""
"
"""can you cure me, doc?  spare no expense.
for a week, what i've dreamt makes no sense:
i'm a yurt, then a tepee.
it makes me feel creepy.
it's a nightmare."" ""relax! you're two tents!""
"
"a ditone is really a third
(a major one, greek). if you heard
this old interval play
in our music today,
you'd find the sharp high tone absurd.
"
"if you're feeling a little bit drumly,
you're troubled and walk around glumly.
perhaps it's your tea ?
looks quite drumly to me,
all cloudy and muddy and scumly.
"
"you're busy ? it's hard to connect,
so we'll phone you, and also expect
glossy flyers and e-mail
with adverts in detail.
our marketing plan is direct.
"
"my pant-waist securely is bound
near my nipples; with leather it's wound.
since i'm ninety (a pity!),
i avoid the big city:
i take the belt highway around.
"
"when your cranium's pounding because your
dear beagle just won't shut its jaws, you're
quite ready to muzzle
that pooch that you nuzzle
and pen him outside for some clausure.
"
"an abscess is painful, a pest:
a pus-pocket needing arrest.
you can make the decision ?
cut it out! that's abscission,
as abscessive-compulsives attest.
"
"the citizens (getting quite dry)
built a reservoir, boosted supply.
but the cockroach (it's german)
responded like vermin:
the crotonbug flooded n.y.
"
"my toothbrush has ceased operation.
and flossing? i lack motivation.
with hygiene forgotten,
my roots have gone rotten,
resulting in gross abscessation.
"
"whether giving away ricky's shirts
or (un)packaging chocolate desserts,
she made the plot juicy
for redheaded lucy:
deuteragonist dear ethel mertz.
"
"no, fellas, it's not that i'm lame!
i simply can't join in the game.
when it's shirts versus skins
my discomfort begins.
my dermatophobia's to blame.
"
"a discogram isn't the weight
of a seventies dance, or of dat-
a when stored on a floppy.
it's a back-picture copy.
gee, your vertebral cushions look great!
"
"ditheistical people construe
that instead of one god, there are two.
if your soul's dualistic,
become ditheistic.
is the ditheist thing you can do.
"
"when to business abroad you are heading,
save an intern from document shredding.
have her book your hotels
far from noise and weird smells;
thus your aide has abetted your bedding.
"
"a comedian rolling in dough
hosts the ellen degeneres show.
at home she gets saucy
with portia de rossi.
she voiced dory, a fish from below.
"
"the state of my teeth's down a hole
because negligence took quite a toll.
since my molars decayed,
i've had fillings invade.
all those candies! i lack self-control.
"
"david crosby, a co-founding byrd,
composed beautiful songs you have heard.
grouped with stills, nash and young,
lyrics flow off his tongue.
on melissa, a tot he conferred.
"
"moor your sailboat, your dinghy or yacht,
with a tightly tied nautical knot.
weave a cleat hitch of line,
then decant some port wine.
you'll feel safe it won't drift from that spot.
"
"no more moveable type made of lead!
desktop publishing's used now instead.
with a tablet or mouse,
you can bring down the house
with a layout that knocks 'em all dead.
"
"creamy boursin's a soft kind of cheese
that when spread on some toast's bound to please.
flavored garlic or herb,
with some wine, it's superb.
a fromage connoisseur sure agrees.
"
"folklore stories of wise men from chelm
recount humor of poland, their realm.
don't you dare to construe
they're of modest iq,
because lessons they teach overwhelm.
"
"his highness, the brobdingnag king,
ruled the giants, a most noble thing.
lemuel gulliver beached,
from a ship that had breached,
and he stayed till an eagle took wing.
"
"at a local car dealership lot
i encountered a sly salesman's plot
to extract all the dough
from my wallet, and so
what i wanted to pay, i forgot.
"
"my pet, mooshi, a chinese shar-pei,
learned to bark on command, heel and stay.
he was black-tongued and wrinkled;
didn't care where he tinkled.
he was strong, broke his leash, ran away.
"
"at a mexican pub in nevada
i first tasted fresh carne asada.
they served tender grilled meat
mixed with peppers for heat.
i devoured it all. i left nada.
"
"the lead batter's pop fly soared to right.
though the outfielder kept it in sight,
a low cloud sailed away
and he errored that play
'cause, like bruce, he was blinded by light.
"
"""bits and pieces"" by pop's dave clark five
and ""because"" make me sing when i drive.
""do you love me"" (so fine),
""can't you see that she's mine"",
""glad all over"" were great when played live.
"
"on my desktop i've all that i need
so i'll get my job done and succeed.
i have staples and clips,
roll of tape, post-it slips,
and a pic of my boss's misdeed!
"
"peter sellers played french jacques clouseau.
zany costumes he finds apropos.
he's the bumbling inspector
and pink panther protector
whose houseboy, named cato, lies low.
"
"richard nixon kept quite a collection
of his top secret tapes for protection.
even after he died,
in the archives some hide.
please, declassify them for inspection.
"
"we use deet where mosquitoes reside.
they detest diethyltoluamide.
so use plenty of spray
to repel them away.
then the bugs won't be biting your hide.
"
"at the passover seder, charoses
stands for labor that pharaoh imposes.
take some apples, sweet wine,
and add walnuts chopped fine.
eat a sandwich that hillel proposes.
"
"when you eat out at bubba gump shrimp
you don't need to dress up or to primp.
they serve food from the sea;
specials line the marquee.
you'll be full when you're done. they don't scrimp.
"
"during burning man week at black rock
many thousands of revelers flock.
all agree, ""leave no trace
that we've camped in this space.""
there's activity found round-the-clock.
"
"checkered whiptail lizards reside
in the dry, rocky landscape outside.
they eat bugs and are wary
of anything scary,
darting off to the shadows to hide.
"
"if anything calls for a word,
it's a big, hardened mass of dried turd
in your colon; that's bad.
it's a fecalith, lad;
please do not tell me how this occurred.
"
"exodontic procedures aren't risky.
i only need pliers and whiskey.
here, son?take a drink.
now say ahhh and don't blink.
your tooth's pulled! (but your mom seems tsk-tsky.)
"
"u.s. crops china jute outcompetes.
every farm it invades, it depletes.
but in china it's eaten,
leaves stir-fried and beaten
with egg into nice omelet treats.
"
"when you're testing for glucose in pee,
a blue fehling's solution is key.
if it doesn't turn red,
then you've come out ahead:
you've determined your pee's sugar free.
"
"steve brings to the stage at most bar blasts
medieval steel crossbows?his arblasts.
these weapons, so giant,
make steve seem defiant;
he brandishes them to guitar blasts.
"
"to revive this poor, played-out plantation,
i plan some intense fecundation.
manured and made fertile,
the overused dirt'll
yield fruit that's the pride of the nation.
"
"the geologist pointed and said,
""there's a fault scarp to see up ahead.
it's where two plates have shifted:
one dropped (or one lifted);
flat ground is now stepped up instead.""
"
"a sperm charmed an egg with flirtation,
achieving a smooth infiltration.
with sweet talk he plied her,
and now he's inside her?
she's fertilized. that's fecundation.
"
"said the printer, ""of type, i'm a setter;
a fac helps a book page look better.
place a piece of type?steady!?
in this frame, and you're ready
to print an ornate, fancy letter.""
"
"as you festinate (move at great speed),
you're outrunning that bear?yes, indeed!
but the air's wet and drizzly?
you slipped! now the grizzly
is eating your fish, and you're treed.
"
"here's a nice fresh cadaver i've stolen;
let's commence?get today's lesson rollin'.
the theme's metabolic;
make a cut epicolic
(in the abdomen next to the colon).
"
"a place to grow ferns is a fernery,
and butter is churned in a churnery?
nice places to see,
but just speaking for me,
i would rather grow brains in a learnery.
"
"in this flask, i've got holy oil (chrism).
these poltergeists here, i shall quiz 'em.
if threats they should make,
i'll my chrismatory shake,
then i'll pull out the stopper and fizz 'em.
"
"the helpful hydrologist knows
direct runoff's the water that flows
into creeks when it rains;
and she also explains
it's a term for the spring's melting snows.
"
"from the depths of my hedge came a grrr,
then my neighbor's belligerent cur,
a small feist she calls meg,
took a bite of my leg
and escaped in a cowardly blur.
"
"""with dibucaine i've been injected,""
the surgery patient reflected.
""that one spinal shot
leaves me conscious, but not
in great pain while my knee is corrected.""
"
"said an english toy spaniel named poppy,
""i'm silky, with ears long and floppy.
i've a short, pushed-in snout,
and twice daily go out
on a mission to mark the jalopy.""
"
"croaked the witch, as she stirred her big kettle,
""i'm feeling in very fine fettle?
full of vigor and life.
now, where is my big knife?
hors d'oeuvre hansel was great; dinner's gretel.""
"
"i've got pinworms, and that's why i'm bitching;
i find them not one bit enriching.
they live in my gut
and emerge from my butt?
enterobius means anal itching.
"
"cried a fetus with cross disposition,
""my mom sends me all my nutrition
through a membranous sac
called the chorion, mac,
so chop-chop with that suey you're dishin'!""
"
"i am cellulose, found in green plants;
i am used to make paper and pants.
i'm in hemp?every cell
cellulosid as hell.
i'd be modest, but don't get the chance.
"
"i said to my prospect, ""let's feast
on the best cuts of fish, fowl and beast.
here's a brandy for you?
please, epicurize, do.""
by dessert, my spent mine had been leased.
"
"my lymph glands are swollen; they're bad.
i'm lethargic, but shaking like mad.
deer fly fever's to blame;
i've just not been the same
since i kissed that sick rabbit i had.
"
"if i sell you my land, you'll agree
to maintain my magnolia tree.
don't ignore my concern,
or the clause of return
reverts ownership right back to me.
"
"said the contractor, wiping his face,
""your new pier needs a permanent base.""
the gist of his talk meant
we'd need an enrockment:
large boulders to hold it in place.
"
"said a baton rouge cop, ""i don't cherish
oklahomans with trucks loud and garish.
i hope soon this okie'll
be extraparochial?
outside of the bounds of my parish.""
"
"libidinous, lustful, frenetic?
sue's boyfriend is epithumetic.
when they walked by the gym,
a great dane mounted him.
how we laughed! it was justice poetic.
"
"the elegiographer's bread
comes from writing laments for the dead.
if demand is too low
for his poems of woe,
he writes pop songs and hip-hop instead.
"
"i make money to pay off my bills
with my strong interpersonal skills.
neighbors give me their cash,
or their faces i smash;
it's extorsive, but beats selling pills.
"
"the zoo's erpetologist, jillian,
is crazy for all things reptilian
(amphibian, too),
which is why she likes you:
you've a grin that is quite crocodilian.
"
"i'm an ember-goose, sir (common loon);
i hunt fish in a northern lagoon.
minnesota's state bird,
i am frequently heard
crying eerily under the moon.
"
"you're base and dishonest and bad?
just a selfish, meanspirited cad.
your redeeming traits? none.
what i'm telling you, son,
is each day you seem more like your dad.
"
"if it happens one time out of nine,
it is called enneatic; that's fine?
unless you're describing
your tries, post-imbibing,
to walk down a highway's white line.
"
"said my scrotum, ""it's cold, so i'm stoic?
contracted, impassive, heroic;
but in air hot and soupy,
i sag and get droopy,
all thanks to my muscle dartoic.""
"
"my scrotum expands and contracts
as its subsurface muscle reacts
to the heat and the cold.
it's the dartos, i'm told,
that accounts for these shape-shifting facts.
"
"shout hooray for prince clyde'sh coronation!
a firsht-rate enthron(hic)ization.
he offed his dad's head,
sho now he's king inshtead;
i shay clyde deserves one more libation!
"
"my spirit's at peace; i'm content.
i believe that my life's been well-spent.
i've got eupathy, dude:
a good, right-feeling mood.
i'm a happy, agreeable gent.
"
"if someone upon you bestows
a nice gift, perhaps money or clothes
or a seaside vacation,
it's called erogation.
if not, well, that's just how it goes.
"
"went to london and smoked my whole stash.
wrote a cheque to myself to get cash.
brought it down to the bank;
asked a teller named frank,
""can i get my encashment in hash?""
"
"i'm in college now, sitting in class;
the professor is boring, alas!
so i go on the 'net,
type some lines, and i'm set!
i write limericks, and yet i still pass.
"
"mighty casey was looking quite miffed;
two strikes ? and he felt he'd been stiffed.
then the pitcher stared in.
casey knew he could win ?
on the very next pitch, though, he whiffed.
"
"""in the matter of roe,"" seven say,
""abortion is now a-ok!""
now a babe in the womb
could be sent to its tomb?
and the battle still rages today.
"
"a diversion is always the tops
when you try to outrun all the cops.
just a bang! or a blip?
hurry now! take the slip!
are they gone? oh, the fun never stops!
"
"republicans gave him much love;
and his office was high up above.
but he mangled each word
and his plans were absurd!
he was awful, when bush comes to shove.
"
"after turning the box on its side,
calvin churned out five duplicates. ""hide!
make sure mom doesn't see
that there's six now of me!""
""yes, since one is enough,"" hobbes replied.
"
"in the nfl draft, the first pick
must be dexterous, forceful, and quick.
while they always are hailed,
some in past years have failed
and were out of the league in a tick.
"
"my writing is never a breeze,
but at humor, the crowd i can please.
dyslexic? i am,
but don't call me a ham!
i'm just funny, as clearly you ees.
"
"charles dickens walks out of the mist
and enters a pub, looking pissed.
he tells bartender feeney
""i'll have a martini.""
and feeney asks, ""olive or twist?""
"
"with a mallet upraised in each hand,
he strikes down with a force rather grand.
is he killing and slaying?
why, no! he's just playing
a dulcimer up on its stand.
"
"i just tap on the bump key, and click!
man, this lock sure was easy to pick.
so i open the door
and am happy no more ?
i've tried burgling a cop's house. i'm sick!
"
"man, this censorship business is rot!
look at all the banned words that we've got!
and the curtain runs deep
for you cannot say *bleep*,
*censored*, *bleep*, or *bleep*?wow, that's a lot!
"
"here's a pair of obscure words: adeption,
and near-antonym cousin arreption.
now, the former's ""obtaining,""
""achieving,"" or ""gaining"";
the latter's more like ""interception.""
"
"the embryo's made at conception,
but life? that depends on perception.
on the left, the pro-choice
holler out in one voice
'gainst the right wing's attempted arreption.
"
"tim has got a dysmorphic right ear;
it is odd-shaped and looks rather queer.
despite its appearance
there's no interference;
if you taunt him about it, he'll hear.
"
"he sat there in his chair, the old gent,
muscles wizened and marbles all spent.
lost his brain in '03,
ere his brawn, so that he
never knew what enfeeblement meant.
"
"my head's chapleted:  wearing a wreath
made with flowers, green garland beneath.
now my temples are twitching;
this garland?it's itching?
poison ivy? i should have used heath!
"
"the cross-sectional study's sublime:
it's a survey at one point in time
that asks people to say
what their choice is today.
here is mine?margaritas with lime!
"
"the colon: an umlaut upended.
we use it when quotes are appended,
with lists, explanations,
and amplifications.
two dots: punctuation that's splendid!
"
"my skin's outer stratum is fluffed,
'cause the corneum needs to be sloughed.
old cells from this layer
get drier and grayer.
after shedding that dandruff, i'm buffed!
"
"there's a trunk in your trunk that extends
from your heart, full of blood, then descends.
the aorta will feed
every branch that you need?
the most heartfelt of all bosom friends!
"
"agenesis means when a part
of your body won't grow from the start.
are you blind to earth's warming?
more wars are you forming?
ah reckon you ain't grown no heart.
"
"why'd i fall through that #@%^ pane of glass?
now i'm dead ? i am such a dumb @$$.
says saint pete, ""your obscenities
earn you amenities ?
you're going to &*!!, but first class.""
"
"said satan: ""right here, sign in blood.
and in no time, you'll soon be a stud.""
so i gave my autography,
but damn! my cacography
made me, instead, elmer fudd.
"
"this here autopsy shows you're well-fed;
nothing's broken, nor lumpy, nor red.
but the one thing you're lacking
(which led to your packing
it in) is the thing called your head.
"
"use egg white, albumen, in batter.
no yolk, it's a serious matter.
though angel food mix
is a devil to fix,
a pound cake will soon make you fatter.
"
"i feel awkward while dating miss kitty,
and it's not just because she's so pretty.
her mother, you see,
has been flirting with me,
and her father (my boss) runs the city.
"
"i was brewing perfume in my cellar
with the aid of the ugly miss geller,
when i used her as tester
of anthranilate ester
(i hear it attracts the right feller).
"
"red hot yuri soon felt some regret:
he had married an ex-pat coquette.
she was not anti-russian,
but every discussion
she ended quite forcefully: ""nyet!""
"
"antonymic, as pull is to push,
just means opposite (see head and tush).
it's like clean and pollute,
or like diplomat, brute.
some would say, perhaps, wisdom and bush.
"
"i determined my cash flow was leaking,
so i learned motivational speaking.
""achievability now!""
is my program?and how!?
for i milk the cash cows who come seeking.
"
"auspiciousness seems situational.
win the lottery? sounds inspirational!
then wifey divorces,
you lose on the horses?
your hopefulness?  not so sensational.
"
"think all objects have souls?  animistic.
is the opposite unrealistic?
if we folks had the souls
of old trees, would our goals
throughout life be less militaristic?
"
"as an augur one's future you may view,
though if you see naught but one's grave, you
can take auger in hand,
to drill deep through the land,
down to china?their cookies may save you.
"
"say the noise on your signal is hell?
is there data within?  you can't tell.
billy idol's refrain
might just save you some pain;
let it dance with itself for a spell.
"
"they are basses (no, not the guitars).
they are blunt-nosed (i don't mean cigars).
they're not cute aphrodites,
they're fish: ambloplites.
they're rock bass (they don't play in bars).
"
"an aumbry (or ambry)'s a niche
into which father francis can pitch
all his vestments and censers
(the incense dispensers)
and cassocks that make his neck itch.
"
"my mom used to keep my cuts clean
with a topical spray of bactine.
if you don't mind the sting,
it's exactly the thing
so that scrapes don't turn icky and green.
"
"the bird louse won't hop on a frog,
nor come round just to hound your dear dog;
won't get your kid's goat,
nor startle a stoat,
but bites birdies from prague to den haag.
"
"modern docs provide cures truly thrillin'
with the wonder drug amoxycillin.
but me, i'm allergic
(over-histaminergic);
it's like penicillin: a villain.
"
"the abrasives i bought at the store
scrubbed the splotches right off of the floor.
i sanded the table,
and painted it sable,
to fit with my furry decor.
"
"my town got a block grant for schools,
to be used without any strict rules.
would they spend it on books?
cafeteria cooks?
nope, they varnished the flagpole, the fools!
"
"this limerick doesn't quite scan.
that wasn't exactly my plan.
but when apathy reigns,
i can't stress my brains
to find a fifth line to finish off what i began.
"
"some people will never feel pain;
i'll explain why this isn't a gain:
true analgia's a curse ?
you don't know what to nurse
or protect; so it's truly a bane.
"
"the very best human intentions
may generate botched interventions.
if you get free advice,
do consider the price:
increased interpersonal tensions.
"
"six and wow it can red and is dead?
roll debate light and happy eat said.
interject pet the cat,
climb the lake clouds think bat.
blue light bed underfed sofa head.
"
"the woes of life leave me so stressed
that i never can get any rest.
but i know why i'm blue?
i have bipolar ii,
which mostly just means i'm depressed.
"
"on our farm, there's a mischievous spirit
called a boggart?you shouldn't go near it!
it pulls poor pussy's tail,
dumps the milk from the pail,
and makes all of the neighborhood fear it.
"
"when birth's still a faraway goal,
in an embryo's center's a hole.
when pronouncing, be kind,
and please do keep in mind
that it's blastocoel, not blast-o-cole.
"
"kansas city's a great place to eat
if you're looking for barbecued meat.
go to bryant's or gates,
and the food on your plates
will knock you right off of your feet.
"
"paddy's accent is thicker than stew?
i just can't understand him; can you?
his thick irish brogue
has gone quite out of vogue,
but he simply won't spit out that shoe!
"
"if a bilayer acts as it should,
it envelops a cell like a hood.
phospholipids galore
can behave like a door,
letting molecules in that seem good.
"
"i needed to find something's mass
for a project in chemistry class,
but someone just took
my new scale?what a crook!
so now i've lost my balance, alas!
"
"apiarists might sometimes get stings
from their favorite creatures on wings,
but the sweet stuff they get
from each small flying pet
could be served at the banquets of kings.
"
"old zeke smith held a gun on poor seth.
seth had kissed his young daughter, sweet beth.
dad said to beth's beau,
""shotgun weddings, you know,
are a matter of wife or of death.""
"
"""antioxidants,"" tetley enthused,
""are the good stuff in food."" i'm confused:
for without oxidation,
life's short in duration.
""antiradical's better,"" i mused.
"
"he heisted some artwork, but whoa!
the gas inness astro was low,
and he had no monet.
if he did, he wood pay
for degas that could make the van gogh.
"
"a baker was going to go
slowly bankrupt if he couldn't show
a profit once more,
so a sign in his store
read, ""buy bread, for i sure knead the dough.""
"
"to identify trees in the park,
a visitor made this remark:
""i'm a nursery man,
and i've found that i can
discern dogwoods by noting their bark.""
"
"john's new baby cries much of the night,
but her cry is peculiar.  that's right,
for it sounds just like laughter?
first yowl and thereafter.
she's really an odd bawl, alright.
"
"tim thought that his bike had expired.
it fell over once more.  he inquired,
""why won't it stay standing?
oh why, i'm demanding!""
i answered, ""because it's two-tired.""
"
"i was told by the government man,
""there is now a new federal ban
on asbestos, you know.
what you used must all go.
remove it asbestos you can.""
"
"aragonite, mineral delight,
forms in caves in the stygian night
and composes the pearls
that charm all of the girls,
be they black, pink, cream, golden, or white.
"
"of an aliped (bat) it is said
that a web 'tween its toes there is spread.
and you know how it feels
to have wings on your heels
and your feet 'round your head in your bed.
"
"seems my agonies grow by degrees;
i've been bitten from toes to my knees.
this miserable pup
has been chewing me up!
won't you help? i can't speak pekinese.
"
"you should visit ahvaz in iran.
what a great place to work up a tan!
but despite tons of sand
all nude bathing is banned.
i'll try tanning my hide in bhutan.
"
"you will not want to make me your clerk.
avocationally, i've got a quirk?
it's my rather strange hobby
to sit in a lobby
watching other poor jerks go to work.
"
"there's a city named affton in mo.
why it's named what it's named, we don't know.
there's a river nearby,
if it doesn't run dry,
we may hope that it gently will fflow.
"
"if you study bituminous coal,
you'll find albertite plays a big role.
it is shiny, it gleams,
it's in pockets and seams
to be found in the colliery hole.
"
"there's an ""auto"" we oughta negate:
seems our innards react to create
a whole raft of diseases
that can hurt like bejesus.
don't need autoimmunity, mate!
"
"there's an indian folk named arauken
and that's also the language they're talkin'.
they're at home in the pampas,
no trees on their campus.
(it's a mighty long walk from weehawken!)
"
"there are things that are hard to aggroup,
such as a's in your alphabet soup,
a small circus of fleas,
locks for florida keys,
and odd parts for my chevrolet coupe.
"
"""that's a grand allamanda, amanda.
it looks well on your sunny verandah.
such a beauty to view,
but it's poison! please do
keep an eye on miranda the panda.""
"
"i have written an actable scene
for a prince, a dead king, and a queen.
what to call the whole play?
it's so scrambled, i'd say
perhaps ""omlet"" is just what i mean.
"
"have you ever thought much about gold
and its use in amalgams that hold?
take alasper yorick:
his fillings weren't auric.
none lasted a month, so i'm told.
"
"when a mythical murderous greek
hid his crime, it was pointless to seek
an apology. he
taught astrology. we
call him actis, the cheeky old geek.
"
"have you seen an auroral display,
polar lights like a floral bouquet?
such a sight to behold,
it can scarcely be told
in words written or oral. outr?!
"
"as you write of the things that are fine,
doesn't azurite rate a cloud nine?
it's a mineral, blue,
carbonated cu,
and it hangs with the gangue in the mine.
"
"quacked a duck, who once lived in a park,
""i'm so near-sighted when it's near dark.
that's at least my excuse;
i had hoped for a goose,
but was doing it just for a lark.""
"
"can you slough off the slough from the slough?
it is rough not to cough. (there's a clue.)
well, i know that although
i don't knead lots of dough
there's enough in the trough to get through.
"
"i'm in love (much to no one's surprise)
with a woman with agatine eyes.
her iris, when viewed,
is most wonderfully hued,
like an agate reflecting the skies.
"
"the advantage of binocularity
comes from retinal image disparity.
so we see in 3-d;
it's adaptive, you see,
so cyclopians now are a rarity.
"
"the biotechnologist moaned:
""how i long for the days when we cloned!
now, all night and all day
i just splice dna?
i've forgotten which genes which thing owned!""
"
"the climber could see from their faces
that he'd dropped from his sponsors' good graces.
""altophobia stops
me from reaching the tops:
i've a terrible fear of high places!""
"
"""the midwife is missing ? it's creepy.
i'll do,"" said the doula, though sleepy.
she severed the cord
and said, ""praise the good lord!
i believe it's a girl with a peepee.""
"
"a yokel was heard to say ""aw!
i got somethin' stuck in my jaw!
but?wait now?by cracky!
it's just my tobacky.
i fergot i was chewin' my chaw!""
"
"said a passionate eater from philly
who believed haute cuisine was just silly,
""if your cheesesteak is twee
and it's made with french brie,
though it's called one, it isn't one, really.""
"
"when the rain doesn't fall to the earth
and your mirth disappears with your girth,
you'll conserve just one letter
(pass? can be better)
by spelling your scarcity derth.
"
"when a limerick elicits a scoff
or is crude in its terms (e.g. boff),
for the sake of the young
and the tempered of tongue,
we with courtesy curtain it off.
"
"my dispunct neighbor's low on respect ?
his demeanor is ego unchecked.
his poor wife vainly tries
to calm tempers that rise
and dispunct situations he's wrecked.
"
"if this poem were more hellenistic,
i would call the first two lines a distich.
 
these next two lines gel
in a couplet as well.
 
but this last one's not parallelistic.
"
"in a business, make others surrender
through a buyout technique: creeping tender.
this offer is nice ?
buy the stock, market price,
and the company's yours, you big spender!
"
"a divident may be a share
which is paid to investor or heir,
but the word's also used
(just to keep us confused)
for the one who's dividing what's there.
"
"don't let on to my intimate friends
how my follicle folly offends!
oh, the malady distrix
can afflict any mistrix,
but most people call it split ends.
"
"if your stool is too loose to ignore, i'd
suggest some relief for your sore hide.
don't throw in the towel!
to slow down your bowel:
diphenoxylate (ahhh!) hydrochloride.
"
"as your alcohol levels increase,
be sure, while around the police,
not to howl or to fight
with your neighbors at night.
that's disturbance of (hiccup!) the peace.
"
"when the programmers find a solution
to improve their command execution,
you might change your version
through online dispersion:
a distro (that is, distribution).
"
"the black wolf's a grey wolf that's black.
there, i said it and won't take it back.
though you call me a liar,
my pants aren't on fire,
so cut me some slack would ya, jack?
"
"turns out that my partner's a snitch;
and to gamble i constantly itch,
while my gold-digging honey
keeps spending my money.
i'm sure not cut out to be rich.
"
"meek, gentle and innocent fred!
it's that doveship that's making me dread
getting poor fred to see
that i'd much rather be
with a franny or frida instead.
"
"the bite was skin-deep when poor fred
was attacked by a monster undead.
though it's now just cutaneal,
if the poison goes cranial
we'll have to shoot fred in the head.
"
"for instance, your calling him ""mutt""
and demanding his loud mouth stay shut?
by deporture i mean
how you treat others, jean.
this probation's your kick in the butt.
"
"chondrotomy means the dissection
of cartilage. tackling its flexion,
the surgeon was deft,
which is why i am left
with a well-defined nose of perfection.
"
"disestablishment means no support
for a mix of the church-and-state sort.
but with anti- prepended
and -arianism ended,
it gets, in one word, a retort.
"
"though a chakra might just be a wheel,
to the buddha's, asoka did kneel.
on the flag it's the pigeon
of peace in religion,
but what does a juggernaut feel?
"
"i said, when they asked for my plea,
""wasn't me,"" so they told me i'm free.
a distinction in grammar
kept me out of the slammer:
it was i, but it sure wasn't me.
"
"deinstitutionalization
of a man is his sweet liberation;
now he's certified sane
and no more his own bane?
time for soul-crushing paid occupation.
"
"in case love doesn't go as i planned,
i have plenty of chocolate on hand.
the increased seratonin
reduces my moanin'.
ain't alimentotherapy grand?
"
"a grape cure seemed healthy to me;
i tried ampelotherapy?whee!
i can truly attest
that i feel at my best
when i've had my third glass of chablis.
"
"the romans were pagans, they say,
who gave gifts to their gods every day.
though you may think it funny,
they offered up honey?
seems they worshipped the apian way.
"
"a young singer had surgery (plastic),
and the increase in cup size was drastic.
i know chris thinks she's ""hot,""
but to me she is not;
the effect is quite antiorgastic.
"
"see the assapan ""fly"" through the use
of a flap of skin, furry and loose,
which acts like a sail;
he then brakes with his tail.
his best friend is a dim-witted moose.
"
"are your miscomprehensions profuse?
do your friends always find you obtuse?
do you hear yourself cry,
""i just want to know why!""
well, you're anserous (silly), you  goose!
"
"a lack of acclaim isn't gonna
stop me playing with words if i wanna.
yes, my puns are deplored,
but who needs an award?
annomination itself is an honor!
"
"""if it isn't my old friend, christina!
why haven't you been on the scene?"" ""a
fierce balkan state mania
made me rush to albania,
then to bosnia-herzegovina.""
"
"baked alaska is easy to make:
you begin with the spongiest cake,
add mounds of ice cream
and meringue?be extreme!
then proceed with the obvious: bake.
"
"when my father a check would enface
to remit to me, down at the place
i lived, south of the border,
he'd write, ""to the order
of gravely, my son, the disgrace!""
"
"extratropical regions are those
where, in summer, the sun never shows
itself right overhead,
and in winter, it's said?
that one probably ought to wear clothes.?
"
"exegetical treatises try
to explain, with a critical eye,
the great works of the sages,
whose myriad pages
i'll never get through ere i die.
"
"please expatiate, sir, on one point.
do explain, ere we're called to anoint
you as pope, all that stoli
you drank ? 'twas unholy! ?
last night, when we closed down the joint.
"
"if you love the taste of engraulis ?
anchovies, i mean ? here's some solace:
your friends at the table
may scream they're unable
to stand it, but i think it's flawless.
"
"now it's proven ? black holes are existent:
they're real, be they ever so distant.
my doubts have been rinsed.?
i admit ? i'm convinced!
(all those physicists seemed so insistent.)
"
"ancient columns in greece share a trait,
the great secret of why they're first-rate.
very well, i'll divulge
it:  their shafts have a bulge,
and this entasis makes them look straight.
"
"peeping tom!  best admit your espial.
those binoculars leave your denial
in shreds. if you're dying
to carry on spying,
come stare at my girls, at your trial!
"
"when odors drive others away,
a desiccant might save the day.
some silica gel
in your shoes ? who can tell? ?
would perhaps help keep fungus at bay.
"
"once more are my lilies necrotic
with blight that has proved enphytotic.
their sexual gear?
gets infected each year?
it sure puts the rot in erotic.?
"
"once you burned with a passion frenetic;
i still do, though you've turned apathetic.
my desire's still smokin',
your fever has broken?
i'm on fire, but you're apyretic!
"
"androphonomania?me?
i'm not crazy?it just brings me glee
when i spend my vacation,
criss-crossing the nation,
on a multi-state homicide spree.
"
"""this crowd is my rap-artist dream?
yo, antiphonally, we're a team:
when i say 'birds and bees,'
they say, 'flowers and trees,'
and they scream when i tell them to scream.""
"
"you're amorous? amanous? missing
your mitts?  don't waste time reminiscing!
holding hands don't mean squat?
buddy, use what you've got.
you're not astomous?make with the kissing!
"
"bayete's what zulus would say
if they ran into shaka one day.
'twas a greeting for kings,
now it names many things.
it means ""hail to the chief,"" by the way.
"
"""this assignment's beyond me, i fear:
use an antimetabole here.""
""you know, strangely enough,
when the writing gets tough,
then the tough get to writing, my dear.""
"
"horror baddies are prone to psychosis,
along with this strange diagnosis:
several blows to the head
only make them seem dead.
hey, look out, ash!?it's anabiosis!
"
"yes, my oeuvre is simply immense?
i'm a poetess?but in no sense
could one call me bas bleu
(that's bluestocking to you).
moi, i haven't a shred of pretense!
"
"if it's true malay flavor you seek,
salt some shrimp; leave them out for a week
'til they turn to a paste
(with an exquisite taste)
known as balachong.  man, does it reek!
"
"would a comical rhyme-maker choose
a beloved with anti-fun views?
i, for one, cannot see
how a woman can be
antithalian, yet still amuse.
"
"""as for beating that dog, stop it cold:
for each creature of god is ensouled
with a bit of his spark.
you're a guest on this ark,""
shouted noah.  ""so do as you're told!""
"
"from amber to crimson and back
(my heart on the verge of attack!),
it's  dichromic, this light,
and i'm missing my flight.
of green there's a serious lack.
"
"o shakti, with thee i am falling
in love, though one detail is galling.
those arms down each side ?
it's a lot to abide.
thy distichous form is appalling!
"
"young izzy beilin changed his name;
soon was king of the songwriting game.
but he's known?it's a sin!?
as the irving berlin
of god bless america fame.
"
"a geologist, starved for lovemaking
told a colleague, ""let's set the earth quaking!""
her response was revealed
in a word from their field:
""aseismic."" (she meant ""nothing shaking."")
"
"blend flour and fat (make a roux);
add hot milk, and some seasoning, too;
then reduce and mix well.
mmm...that's good b?chamel!
make your own, now you know what to do!
"
"as a sailor i have many duties,
but i'd rather chase undersea cuties!
ah, but mermaids, they keep
hidden well in the deep.
would that i were bathybic, my beauties!
"
"when men run the world, it's androcracy;
that system is fraught with hypocrisy.
though they claim to protect us,
they just disrespect us.
we gals oughta form a gynocracy!
"
"off again to the grocery store?
then make love after meals, not before.
and the reason for this is
anteprandial kisses
will just make you hungry for more!
"
"hash prices are running amuck?
but today, dear sahib, you're in luck!
here at bud's ganj-a-rama
(low prices! no drama!)
we give you more bhang for your buck!
"
"my sense of smell isn't so hot.
do i bay at the moon? not a lot.
i have ears that are smallish
and legs that are tallish.
it's clear that a beagle i'm not.
"
"o, that allah would grant me a wife,
for my loneliness cuts like a knife!
every day i traverse
the sahara and curse
at my sad, single bedouin life.
"
"""my dear child, let me voice my concerns,""
said the priest. ""your son damien turns
from my aspergil's spray.
he keeps running away!
holy water, he says, gives him burns!""
"
"""deerest drudge, thanks for driving are truck.
your not needed no more, so good luck.""
though my former boss kills
with his management skills,
his epistolographic ones suck.
"
"said the chimp to the newcomer, ""you're
like a cousin ? your bloodlines are pure!
come and take tea, inside.""
the bonobo replied,
""how congenerous of you, i am sure.""
"
"oh, my god, it's so effortful: this
thing called parenthood ? cleaning up piss,
and those solids that smell ?
 don't let anyone tell
you that bringing up baby is bliss.
"
"our enrollments have tanked. your admission,
dear sir, makes a welcome addition.
your grades may be shoddy,
but you're a warm body.
how soon can you pay your tuition?
"
"no, cyclonical winds don't blow worse
in the north half of earth. let's rehearse
till the difference gets clearer:
""like clocks in a mirror,
such storms seem to spin in reverse"".?
"
"you're the master of earth, the expugner
who, by conquest, rules all that's sublunar.?
we're so glad to be saved?
from ourselves, and enslaved,
that we wish you had come even sooner.?
"
"where seawater's epipelagic,
thick algae sprout almost like magic.
at a depth of one mile
it's been dark for a while,
and the dearth of fresh flora seems tragic.
"
"the dana?des vented their pique:
screaming, ""die!"" at their husbands, in greek.?
now these rascally ladies
do hard time in hades,?
condemned to fill pitchers that leak.?
"
"an eclecticist really won't care
if your music collection's from there
or from here, much less whether
you pieced it together
with beethoven right next to cher.
"
"did that hunchback, the king, show remorse
when upset by an enemy force?
no, amid all the routing
he ran around shouting,
""my ethnarchy, sir, for a horse!""
"
"the liver does deamination,
so amines achieve separation
from proteins galore
that the body can't store ?
then they move on to urine formation.
"
"though she cheats, my wife used to be stealthy ?
having sex with the poor and the wealthy.
now she's bold ? wants to pull
some concupis... uh, bull,
'cause her shrink says that appetite's healthy.
"
"her conquest of drama declarable,
she narrates a wonderful parable.
but then her aporia
bursts our euphoria:
""you reckon that story is sharable?""
"
"your critical thought she disturbs;
and your sensible method she curbs;
gets you turning the pages
by means of outrageous
endorsements named after her ? blurbs.
"
"when i mess something up i'll review,
do it over, repeat it, renew,
which is great, but i'm vexed
when i get to the next.
one's done over; the next, overdue.
"
"abduction, in logic, finds reason:
if secrets were leaked, there was treason.
it's cause-estimation
from clear observation.
you smell something bad? likely me, son.
"
"maya, it's not; it's no marma;
ay! the confusion with karma!
whatever the role,
you've gotta show soul.
die if you ought to ? that's dharma.
"
"it's a program for smart phones, an app.
if i fart, it could sense that and clap.
my wife borrowed my droid;
a new app, she deployed:
if it smelt me it dealt me a slap.
"
"""of asia"", the plain denotation
of asian, transcends your location.
but britons think spice;
californians think rice.
connotations give words animation.
"
"it's the youngest he likes (i have three);
wants no dowry and has a degree;
i make up my mind
to repay him in kind:
""if you take the first two, third one's free!""
"
"a fantabulous evening was had
by my daughters. the concert was rad!
and the singer looked cute
in his form-fitting suit.?
now, if only his voice weren't so bad...
"
"look, you asked for this job of factotum.
and your duties?the king himself wrote 'em?
you were warned, were diverse,
both for better and worse.
so start shaving his majesty's scrotum!
"
"on the eve of our very first date
bella called me and said, ""it's been great.
but i see how this ends:
would you mind being friends?
my fatidic misgivings won't wait!""
"
"""yessiree!   we will give you a raise,
straightaway, my boy ? one of these days.""
for a shrewd corporation,
some sly equivocation
is often a tactic that pays.
"
"""you're ex...ploitative, tha's what you are!""
cried the drunk, to the man at the bar.
""you misuse all your frien's
for your own selfish en's,
and you won't even lend 'em your car!""
"
"""let them eat it!"" reportedly said?
the young queen with the curls on her head
piled up halfway to heaven.
it's sweet and has leaven?
it's quite the best thing, next to bread.
"
"my mother, with age, has grown quirky
""for christmas i've bought some tofurkey,""
she chirped with a smile,
""in the vegetable aisle!""
(it's a kind of repulsive faux turkey).
"
"a colon's not just punctuation:
it also provides transportation
for bodily waste.?
or, to say it with taste:
an emunctory tube, final station.
"
"after hiking in drizzle and haze
without coffee, for days upon days,
i yelled, ""find me some fatwood!
i'm betting that that would
assist us in starting a blaze.""
"
"father's fatigability serves
to procure him the rest he deserves,
whereas mom finds it in her
to make us all dinner
while fetching him drinks and hors d'oeuvres.
"
"""and the oscar's to sarah monee!""
(her costume is not much to see.
she's not really undressed?
she's just keeping abreast
of the times as the gold awardee!)
"
"i'm a vampire from western albania
in a vault where they like to detain ya.
started coughin' and that's
really drivin' me bats!
lemme out! i've got bad agromania!
"
"a fisherman's dream came to pass:
he floundered in musical class,
where he perched in a plaice
twixt a tenor and bass
and sang ""sea miner mass for a bass"".
"
"after building the tower of babel,
folks became a poor polyglot rabble,
but they said, ""what the hell,
we think babbling is swell.
we can use the new words to play scrabble.""
"
"""you're air-minded,"" friends often said.
this referred to the info i fed
them of comings and goings
of cessnas and boeings?
or was it the space in my head?
"
"a stable, augean: a mess
where the filth is so hard to suppress.
you could live in a home
where the buffalo roam,
and you'd find it a cleaner address!
"
"the right reverend jonathon bleep
ran the tape of his speech on lost sheep.
heard his sermon once more ?
then he crashed on the floor
in an autohypnotic deep sleep.
"
"why'd allanite cause such delirium?
this silicate's loaded with cerium.
although most attractive,
it's radioactive.
a gift for your grandmama miriam?
"
"annalistic refers us to annals;
how about flannelistic for flannels?
isn't english great fun?
(need to think of a pun.
think i'll take one more shot of jack dan'ls.)
"
"there was al, elemental fine catch,
and the lady named lu, who had ""scratch.""
well, the end of this tale
you could guess without fail:
yes you bet, allumette?a good match.
"
"treat your calf like your son or your daughter.
give it peaches and cream, not just water.?
ere its flesh starts to bloat
put a knife to its throat,
'cause?your fatling is ready for slaughter.?
"
"while preparing a meal for his date,
the cannibal's caution was great.
he had hacked a dude up
with exactitude. ""yup,""
he thought, ""just the right fit for the plate!""
"
"the cannibal wore a great frown.
his doctor, a shrink of renown,
had told him he bordered
on eating disordered:?
he couldn't keep anyone down.?
"
"as a prank, the great pastry chef laced
his cannoli with fresh human waste.?
all his rivals were peeved,
fearing what he'd?achieved
was an epochal breakthrough in taste.?
"
"the emails of denver's new priest
raised some eyebrows when they were released.?
his fervid espousal?
of teenage arousal
caused rome to assign him back east.?
"
"risking all just to tickle my lust,
i encouraged the lady to trust
that in trade for some thrills,
i would pay all her bills.
their exorbitance made me go bust.?
"
"keep yer ensilage fresh, cain't you larn?
now jis' look at them horses an' darn
drunken cows. how they dodder
an' hiccup! their fodder
ferminted too long in the barn.
"
"his confidentness helped him to push
for a war, with a whoop and a whoosh
that defied all critique.
how will history speak
of the nerve of g. w. bush?
"
"were i burdened with friends or a wife,?
then farewell, eremitical life!
i'd be dragged from my cave
(it's god's peace that i crave)
and embroiled in society's strife.?
"
"on mount everest, don't look for trees
at the top. they won't grow.  they'd just freeze.
way up there at that barren height,
temps, put in fahrenheit,
never exceed three degrees.
"
"in this prison regime we are under,
one must try, dearest friend, not to blunder.
it's a grievous faux pas,
shouting, ""hip hip hurrah!""
when the dogs rip your cell-mate asunder.
"
"count me out on this heist (they ain't robbable;
plus their art's too well known to be fobbable
off on buyers) unless
you can show how success
is, with failure, at least equiprobable!
"
"i can't deal with that waiter's fatuity.
can't he see that the long term annuity
which i offered to sell
him, at cost, would be swell?
stupid dolt ? he just wants his gratuity.
"
"hold me fast while i'm trying to fast,
for i fear that my diet won't last;
and i'll make a fast run
at a cinnamon bun?
if i do as i've done in the past.
"
"to my father, the dean himself wrote
an expositive, twenty-page note,
setting out in detail
all the points where i fail
to conform to the standards of choate.
"
"said the oil-men, ""we're rich and we're shrewd.
we won't stop till we've run out of crude!""?
that puts most of mankind
in a bit of a bind:
ecologically speaking, we're screwed.?
"
"while discussing his likes and dislikes,
""erpetology gives me the shikes,""
quoth the cockney. ""indeed,?
tell me oo'd feel the need
to be studyin' 'orn toads an' snikes!""
"
"just what tricks the school bullies would play
on us swimmers, i'd rather not say.?
but our coach's enjoinment
from touching one's groin meant
that it would be itchy all day.
"
"if i expiate, then i atone
for a sin, such as throwing a stone
at a dog.  noble beast:
my filet is the least
he should get, with champagne?or a beaune.
"
"your fastigium came in the night.
you were faint as a ghost, and as white,?
with a fever so high,
we were sure you would die.
now it's down. but you still look a fright.?
"
"if my daughter will have you, then marry her.
your vocation, young man, is no barrier...
there's no hokum, no ruse;
every horse needs its shoes!
you do good, honest work as a farrier.
"
"""does this stew taste a little too lambish?""
asked mom. ?answered dad, ""i'd say...'hammish'.""
i cried, ""gimme me that pot?
i'll eat all that you've got!
i'm so hungry i'm ready to famish!""
"
"at my father's first alzheimer's test,
he was asked how each chess piece progressed.
""i think this one,"" said dad,
""who's episcopally clad,
likes to move in diagonals best.""
"
"at the country buffet by the lake,?
i kept stuffing my pie hole with cake
till i started to choke,
and explosively broke
their enjoinment to ""eat all you take.""
"
"oh, his fathomless learning's astounding.
in the well of his knowledge, no sounding
can quite reach the bottom.
need answers? he's got 'em!
but small talk, to him, is confounding.
"
"mountaineering's a blast till you drop
from a ledge. then you'll wish you could stop.
grab a hold of this tether;
we'll climb up together,
conjunctively reaching the top.?
"
"your whining, you miserable moppet,
is spoiling our hike?would you stop it?
may i please get a word in?
to lighten your burden,
don't carry that fardel; just drop it!
"
"from her doctor the patient sought care.
""i've discovered a lump way down there!""
he examined her delta
of venus and felt a
warm mars bar, embedded in hair.
"
"a diphthongalized sound occurs when
someone shouts out a word like amen
with a drawl, thus: ""ai-mee-y'n!""
(a devout tennessean?)
then falls back to dozing again.?
"
"""sucking bumblebees may be a game,
but enough!"" cried mam?, the grand dame.
""when it's known that you savor a bee
i've no doubt it disfavourably
reflects on the family name.""
"
"long-tailed and with various clucks
are the clangula genus of ducks;
they yodel, they dive;
in a hive they arrive,
in the baltic, to winter ? no shmucks!
"
"'tween the 70s, 80s meridians,
pushed south of punjab's sattagydians
in the past by caucasians,
live darker-skinned asians
(once known as madrasis): dravidians.
"
"i like it ? it's dolce, my vita:
i relax with a sweet margarita,
as i feel my boat sway
and i while time away.
after all, you'll be back, says the gita.
"
"the skull's chondrocranium phase
is the cranium's cartilage days.
soon, it's ossified bone;
thus the accident-prone
can be saved from their perilous ways.
"
"while the taxman examines my life,
helen nags me with family strife.
""since i'm down many years,""
i confess through my tears,
""for the doomage, consider my wife.""
"
"to describe my condition i'm loath.
chondrodystrophy stifled the growth
of my bones, so i'm short.
i am sad to report
it affected my arms and legs both.
"
"there's romance with singing and crying;
there's fighting and scheming and dying ?
my day's full of drama
till my wife or my mama
gets home, flips the channel, starts buying.
"
"when she left me, i felt a great void,
so i bought a new smartphone, a droid.
would it cook, make the bed?
i beseeched it. it said,
""not right now!"" and it sounded annoyed.
"
"on our streets that are worthy of sketching
don't fret if you hear someone kvetching.
you'll learn, after dark,
if you manage to park,
that the nightlife in brookline is fetching.
"
"my acro class partner is lying
supine on the floor as he's trying
to lift me up high
in a posture?oh, my!
there's no yoga like acro for flying!
"
"the patient has reached  the conclusion
that she's dead and is filled with confusion
that she's walking around
and is not underground.
diagnosis: the cotard delusion.
"
"call my colorist?give him a try
when the hue of your hair makes you cry.
he won't cut, perm, or style,
but he will make you smile
if you go when you just want to dye.
"
"the vizcacha's a curious critter.
how he talks! hear him hoot, squeal and chitter.
he lives on the pampas,
has big pointy chompers,
and for fun he likes picking up litter.
"
"modern renaissance man bertolt brecht
had talents wide-ranging and echt.
his accomplishments show it?
he was playwright and poet,
and producer/director?nicht schlecht!
"
"barack, people say they respect you,
and they might cast their votes to elect you.
while that may be the truth,
once alone in the booth,
the voters could bradley effect you.
"
"on sharing, here's polly's discursion:
""to monogamy, i've an aversion.
i feel glad when my mate
is enjoying a date.
i'm not jealous, but filled with compersion.""
"
"said double-x chromosomed annie,
""never felt in the slightest bit 'manny.'
my self-image fits
with my boobs and my bits?
i'm cisgendered, that is, not a tranny.""
"
"in la loma, a desperate scene,
a big land grab, the mayor saw green?
some refused to depart,
and that was the start
of the battle of ch?vez ravine.
"
"our choir is a little off-beat,
and the sermon?  you'll squirm in your seat.
if you live through all that,
there'll be cookies and chat?
our coffee hour cannot be beat!
"
"from some veggies and water and chicken,
make a soup (which there's no need to thicken).
whenever you're fluish
(be you gentile or jewish),
""penicillin"" will help you unsicken.
"
"attention, you moms with ambition:
the junior miss world competition!
we'll strut your pre-teenies
on stage, in bikinis.
""eroticize kids!"" ? that's our mission.
"
"""metal studs on the soles of your uggs?""
gasped my shrink. ""let's try tripling your drugs.
this externalization
of inner frustration
is ruining all of my rugs.""
"
"my calico cat wasn't sterile:
she whelped twenty kittens, all feral.
from their dens, wild and rude,
they emerge to hunt food;
one caresses their heads at one's peril.
"
"i soaked twenty white shirts in the sink,
of which one bore a fleck of red ink.
and for ever thereafter
they'd turned (please, no laughter),
each one of them, fadeless hot pink.
"
"our sensitive doves have stopped preening.
""conditions in here are demeaning,""
they'd say, could they speak.
""what a sickening reek!""
yes, the culverhouse needs a good cleaning.
"
"the enlightenment's thought leaders sought
to upend, using reason, the lot
of man's worst superstitions
and hide-bound traditions.
be grateful they gave it a shot.
"
"all our structures are made of fascines
set in place without help from machines.
since we can't afford bricks,
we use bundles of sticks.
our expenses comport with our means.
"
"daddy's drunk, but you shouldn't have tattled.
and my boss's demands have me rattled.
my whole life is a mess.
please don't spill on your dress!
can't you see that your mommy's embattled?
"
"said the prof, ""the reporting is nice
in your essay, 'my struggle with lice.'
you'll forgive this insistence
on keeping my distance...
facticity comes at a price.""
"
"just for cupcakes with butter-cream frosting
(god knows what this limo is costing),
we'll cross the east river.
champagne?  oh my liver!
night errantry's simply exhausting.
"
"""dear dressmaker, make me a dress.""
""ah, but, sir, you're a man, more or less.
and your small fabric piece
wouldn't cover my niece.
you're a dozen times bigger, i'd guess.""
"
"that fancy new restaurant's run
with decorum as rule number one:
someone kicked up a stink
when his pork chop was pink,
and was told, ""sir, that just isn't done.""
"
"double-booked once again, mr. vick?
i can fix it. but please learn this trick:
when you're ready to book
please make sure that you look:
place the mouse on 'reserve' ? single click.
"
"""you said my new skin's not decayable.
but its rotting; my bones are displayable.""
""we're sorry you're shedding;
just soften your bedding?
our terms deem the charge non-repayable.""
"
"your immune system couldn't be shrewder:
i'm its agent?a clever colluder.
an amboceptor, i,
having formed a good tie
with a complement, kill the intruder.
"
"if it's single precision it's slow,
but with double you can, in one go,
crunch big numbers that take
all of eight bytes to make?
more gigantic than any i know.
"
"for agnes i felt an attraction,
and her husband found more satisfaction
with my wife; so we stopped,
and our partners we swapped.
that's a double replacement reaction.
"
"i thought that the water was drinkable.
then i came down with something unthinkable.
now i know that (cough! sniff!)
it's undrinkable if
with your illness the water is linkable.
"
"i darted a look, to convey
to a loud-mouth, ""enough! please don't say
any more?you will shatter
their dreams; doesn't matter
you think there's no magical sleigh.""
"
"the cardinal directions are four.
in the morning you see the sun soar
from the east, then go west.
north and south are the rest.
now relax! there will never be more.
"
"we can't comment on who is to blame
'cause that's classified ? yes, that's a shame!
that's unless you can show
you have clearance to know
what the government does in your name.
"
"from a substrate's perspective, we see
lichens' thalli have types?there are three:
crusty crustose adheres;
leafy foliose veers;
bushy fruticose branches out free.
"
"""i want nothing to drink,"" she says first;
alternately, ""i'm dying of thirst.""
such a wavering mind!
of all vices i find
connie's constant inconstancy worst.
"
"be a lady. be graceful. show class.
show decorum. behave. don't be crass.
you don't have to be smart,
but for god's sake don't fart.
if you have to, then gently pass gas.
"
"we'll dismantle the double-wide, heather,
split the halves and protect them from weather?
looks like you get the bed;
i, the toilet, instead...
girl, we might as well get back together.
"
"'neath my bed, dirty socks have grown fragrant.
no socks? at an interview? flagrant!
got cold feet, still in bed;
it's this job search i dread.
enter mom. here we go: ""you're a vagrant.""
"
"to my rich husband's wealth i am dedicated.
my inheritance, sadly, is predicated
on my having his child.
but he won't be beguiled.
so i'll just have to get the guy medicated.
"
"i'm desireful; can't wait to start
with this feast of delectable tart.
i'll devour, munch, eat;
stuff myself with this treat?
i don't care if i soon blow aphart.
"
"since randy met sweet-looking sandy,
though her language was foul, life was dandy:
he stayed out of the fray,
keeping quiet all day.
yes, his deaf-muteness did come in handy.
"
"a calicut fabric, first drab,
becomes calico, famous and fab,
and, with reason and rhyme,
in the course of some time
names a fish and a cat and a crab.
"
"the baluchithere, rhino-like beast,
measured five meters tall at the least.
its long neck reached with ease
the top leaves in the trees.
i'm so glad that the beast is deceased!
"
"what's the metrical foot i like best?
antidactyl! well, haven't you guessed?
it is one and the same
(with a fancier name)
as our limerick friend, anapest.
"
"the bacchius deserves now to die.
it's one short beat, two long ? and that's why
it's a worthless antique,
for i don't write in greek,
and the long and the short don't apply.
"
"a belle thought herself distingu?e;
she would frenchify all that she'd say.
said maman, ""call me mother,
and just call big brother
by name, not mah bubba a?n?.""
"
"her parents were born in tijuana,
but she's from new york (lackawanna).
two tongues she can speak?a
bicultural chica!
""i think,"" she said, ""you mean chicana!""
"
"""welsh tourist board, have you a room
that is quiet and still as a tomb?""
""this inn's up your alley?
it's in a small valley
that gives it its name, hotel cwm.""
"
"in the consort of viols of shokan
we've a rule that is firm, though unspoken?
a string-playing lass
won't consort with the brass
(thus keeping our consort unbroken).
"
"in chaotic 1934, a
sly russian just could not ignore a
chance to plot for a throne
and so briefly was known
as boris the first of andorra.
"
"my hairdresser, susan, avers
there's no clientele posher than hers.
whereas once she was ""suze""
and we called her ""coiffeuse,""
now she styles herself ""suzanne, coiffeuse.""
"
"telepathically, ferdinand phelps
sends the word out: he's selling his kelps.
""no wireless for me?
i can broadcast for free!""
you don't have to beam ads, but it helps.
"
"our chat room's exclusive, it's true?
where a handful converse with the few.
i'll bet you a dollar,
if you go in and holler,
that no one will hear you but... you.
"
"autognosis is not new at all:
it's an ancient greek rallying call.
know thyself's not socratic,
but axiomatic:
in delphi, 'twas writ on the wall.
"
"my love is eternal, it's true,
and my death will not keep me from you.
even though i've checked out,
you'll still see me, no doubt.
i'll remain, now and always, your boo.
"
"take some butter and melt it right down,
gently heat till the solids turn brown
and then strain and you'll get?
et voil?!?beurre noisette.
(or the ghee of south asian renown.)
"
"i have needs?i can't stand yet another
of these chaperoned dates where your mother
sits and knits while we chat
first of this, then of that;
what i want is a bit of the other!
"
"i fear yours is a desperate state,
for once atropos comes, it's too late.
as she poises her knife
o'er the thread of your life,
i must leave you, i guess, to your fate.
"
"harold arlen's not famous, although
he wrote music for many a show.
had a feel for the blues
that went down to his shoes?
he's the negro-est white man i know!
"
"i've been trying to make my verse sing
but i think i'll back-burner the thing.
i can't make it rhyme,
and it's all out of time
and it's totally lacking in zing!
"
"he scarfs sesame bagels at seven,
has a hunk of halvah at eleven,
bathes biscotti regina
with hummus tahina?
that boy believes benne's from heaven!
"
"after-hours clubs, one may observe,
sell you drinks when it's past time to serve.
i won't go?i'm afraid
i'll get caught in a raid.
and they're so overpriced?what a nerve!
"
"the sun's way of showing affection
involves a coronal ejection.
he passes some gas
along with some mass,
breaking wind in our gen'ral direction.
"
"""the father, the son, and some ghost.""
your blasphemy lacerates most.
it's unholy! profane!!
if you ever again
use the serial comma, you're toast.
"
"""depressed?"" said my shrink. ""feeling blue?""
(well, duh! aren't i talking to you?)
""certain books can be healing ?
they'll improve how you're feeling.""
(what i feel is you ain't got a clue!)
"
"you inflame me with love ? you enamor
me just being you, with no glamor.
for you, anytime,
i'll commit any crime,
and enjoy making love in the slammer.
"
"dissyllabify oil? rhyme with royal?
the beauty of diphthongs you'd spoyal!
say feeyer for fear?
and appeayer? oh dear!
stretching syllables makes my blood boyal.
"
"on togetherforever.org
folks behave pretty much like the borg.
it's a cult ? what a crock!
all its members ? en bloc ?
may show up pretty soon in a morgue.
"
"sue berates us whenever we speak.
that man-eater renders us weak.
she emasculates all;
when she yells down the hall,
men can't help an involuntary leak.
"
"if y-squared equals a x plus b
plus x-cubed,  then this shape you will see:
a curve that's elliptic,
with powers so cryptic
i use it to make me a key.
"
"vi? not for me. i'm a fool.
prefer emacs ? a wysiwyg tool.
meta this, control that!
from inside it i cat,
code, compile, build and run. very cool.
"
"""you're a partner? what kind? tell me, bob.
you just sat and allowed them to rob.
man the desk when you ought to.""
""but i haven't got to.
i'm dormant ? it's your freaking job!""
"
"""it's a question of when and not if?
we can build on this site in a jiff!""
cried the king. ""our whole court
will be safe in a fort
whose escarp is a natural cliff.""
"
"my sweet kids fill their cereal bowls
to the brim with skim milk, bless their souls.
but there's danger beneath...
their faveolate teeth
are like honeycomb: riddled with holes.
"
"our instructor left nothing to chance ?
she explained every move in advance.
""first without, and then with kicks,
we'll practice eurythmics
to learn about music through dance.""
"
"thy surmises are ? prithee, don't bellow ?
exsufflicate.  listen, old fellow,
they're silly and hollow.
inane! dost thou follow?
think twice ere thou killst her, othello.
"
"endergonic reactions require
that your test tubes be heated by fire
or subjected to jolts
of a few hundred volts.
without energy, naught will transpire.
"
"to the headmistress, jane was led weeping.
""dear child, how you mumble while sleeping!
i like secrets the best
when they're fully expressed.
now, let's expiscate any you're keeping. ""
"
"the exclusionist tries to save face:
""this is not about gender or race.
but the club deems it cruel,
as a general rule,
to take members who'd feel out of place.""
"
"dear suzanne, when i spoke of the thrill
i felt kissing you, granny got ill.
our connection was hidden;
this love is forbidden.
constrainedly yours... cousin bill.
"
"the eugenicist states his case, pleading,
""our gene pool requires some weeding!
i'll help you determine
which people are vermin
and which might be useful for breeding.""
"
"i've no time for your scruples, your brooding.?
with our bling, and the chic we're exuding,
let's go dance at our club,
where our shoulders won't rub
with those pitiful shlubs we're excluding.
"
"any corporate rule ? a corpocracy ?
can function within a democracy
when masses of people
consent to be sheeple
corralled by pernicious plutocracy.
"
"""i've no pep; let me lean on this larch.
all i had for my breakfast was starch.""
""take some diastase, goon.
all that glucose could soon
help you walk, run, or go on a march.""
"
"the death sentence's surely been passed,
no matter how much you've amassed.
make merry and dance ?
life's a once-only chance
for those good and those sad sorry-assed.
"
"a church-going book-lover, beth,
was heard laughing out loud before death.
her comedics book led
to a monk. and he said
""antithalian"" under his breath.
"
"the air and the water will smack
of the gas that escapes when you frack.
soon concerns will be rife
that this clean country life
will effectively go out of whack.
"
"""i'll come strutting in may like a cock.
and i'll eat like a big hungry jock.""
""but it's april!""  i cry.
and the beetle's reply?
""warm enough for this cockchafer, doc.""
"
"said the fool, ""from my climb up this hill,
i still, day after day, get a thrill.
with my head in the cloud
while the beetles are loud,
it's my everyday cardio drill.""
"
"she awaited him, day after day,
at her door, where she stared at the bay
till the dark of the night.
at the sight of first light,
she returned to the door, growing gray.
"
"a dunce cap (or foolscap): a cone
made of paper. i'm wearing my own.
why? because i'm a fool.
never try this at school:
""but the dog chewed my book like a bone.""
"
"do you know who bipolarized me?
caused my constant to-be not-to-be?
and just where is this witch
who is throwing the switch
when this polar express train goes ""wheeee!""?
"
"find the milky way first, then the sun,
then the third rock. it's blue and it's fun.
it's the planet that's rife
with such beautiful life?
are they shooting at you? that's the one.
"
"so you say you feel lonely out here.
no one cares. they don't even come near.
not a soul to break bread with
or cuddle in bed with.
what am i then? chopped liver, my dear?
"
"""acting cranky a lot? feeling old?
at the drop of a hat catching cold?
can't recall when or how?
get dhea now.""
thus to suckers the supplement's sold.
"
"where's my boxing opponent? detroit?
if he shows, then some lefts i'll exploit.
if he forfeits the fight
then that sum is my right.
yes, his stake, on default, is my droit.
"
"she is crosstraining ? skiing and biking.
for my part, i do all the liking
on facebook and strive
to watch tv shows live,
not to mention the couch-kitchen hiking.
"
"don't beat 'round the bush or be murky.
got some beef with surviving on jerky?
no back-packing dude
who depends on this food
will be able to quit it cold turkey.
"
"i can't drink this water. its drinkableness
is like that of piss. the unthinkableness
of tasting this swill
makes me retch and grow ill.
so i'll dump it. thank god for its sinkableness.
"
"a libel's a false accusation;
in its worst form, the dread allegation
of murder; so fight?
it's the innocent's right?
lest that blood libel be your damnation.
"
"""imagine,"" the man used to sing.
what a dreamer he was, the poor thing.
he envisioned new orders:
no dogma, no borders,
a world where compassion is king.
"
"my next hold on my way to the peak
is a little too far ? this looks bleak.
i pull, kick, leap up high;
for a moment i fly.
that's a dyno in rock climbers' speak.
"
"we elected archmarshal ernst barschel.
he's a german to whom we're all partial.
the position's obscure,
but your marriage he'd cure
for he knows the arts marital/martial.
"
"if your backside's as big as a barn,
but you say that you don't give a darn,
you're blas?. that's okay.
why not learn to crochet:
make a dress out of camouflage yarn?
"
"acidophilus (acid bacteria)
is in milk in our school cafeteria.
it's a drink not to slurp;
it made wyatt go ""urp!""?
i'd much sooner devour some wisteria.
"
"the achomawi folk of ca
have essentially faded away.
the large ""tribe of the river""
was reduced to a sliver,
leaving relics like potsherds of clay.
"
"earth's creation in four thousand four
took six days to complete, ussher swore.
do not teach evolution:
god's perfect solution
could never evolve any more.
"
"a banana should come with a zipper.
it's appealing and makes us feel chipper.
but it sure seems a sin
when ma fate takes the skin
and then transforms it into a slipper.
"
"an amphibium's strictly pass?.
but the animal's not gone away:
it still does what it oughter
on land or in water.
it's just that the word's d?mod?.
"
"come join madam mehitabel chat.
she's agreed you're admittable at
her ""back alley cafe.""
try her pigeon mol?.
she's a very hospitable cat.
"
"mr. morse said to macy's and gimbel's,
""i've invented some dandy new symbols.
for example, the 'u'
is like anapest. true?
u should try 'dot-dot-dash' on your timbrels.""
"
"what a love the old couple expressed:
swapped antiques before going to rest!
he gave darlingest meg
his old hickory leg.
he was thrilled with her big cedar chest.
"
"the ringmaster picked up a broom,
killed the snakes and said, ""dangers don't loom
around me."" as he beamed,
he was startled, then screamed,
'cause an elephant stood in the room.
"
"my architect's master design
for a castle looked truly divine.
he made cuts ... this and that ...
what i got was a flat!
(that's a glorified pen fit for swine.)
"
"eat your cake ? have it too, humble pie.
eat my shorts, dirt, your wheaties ? oh my!
eat alive, your own dog
food, up, high off the hog.
eat a horse, like a pig, or you die.
"
"once tranquil and silent, he's now
become anxious and restless. but how?
i'll explain this disquietal:
meat in his diet'll
make the boy wild ? it's the chow.
"
"he used to buy things cheap and plastic,
and wear trousers with worn-out elastic.
now with high-street allure,
and that dress (haute couture),
he has changed, and this change is quite drastic.
"
"blinking lights may be lights that are blinking?
drinking water is not water drinking.
if water could drink
itself to the brink,
from its pee every sea would start stinking.
"
"a cryal is waiting to wade.
she will fly to a watery glade.
with her long neck and bill,
she is certain to kill,
so the fish should prepare for the raid.
"
"this chance to get cash for a clunker
is for you, mr. don't-touch-my-junker.
dump your gas-guzzling truck;
get a hybrid. with luck,
you'll avoid living down in a bunker.
"
"all it took was but one hasty sip,
and the next thing i knew was the trip
to the er. the burn
sadly meant i'd return
quite achilary ? missing a lip.
"
"first the cart, then the horse?  like an ass,
do you let anniversaries pass?
are your ducks out of row?
is disorder your woe?
you're disorganization en masse.
"
"you need coconut milk for your curry?
i know how to make it?don't worry.
mix the flesh with hot milk,
strain through cheesecloth (not silk).
use the canned stuff if you're in a hurry.
"
"you can call it food safety neurosis,
but from pork chops, i got trichinosis,
and the pink flesh inside
that chicken you fried
gave me campylobacteriosis.
"
"give me club steak?i can't live without it!
all the swells at delmonico's tout it.
simply grill, fry or broil it
(marination would spoil it).
beefy goodness?and no bones about it!
"
"though my hair needs a do, i demur
when my friend recommends her coiffeur,
for i know that he boozes,
and nobody chooses
to be coiffed by a quaffer?no sir!
"
"janie jones is as focused and keen
as any male jarhead you've seen.
she's earned your salute,
so i don't think it's cute
when you call her a broad-ass marine.
"
"i'm a hardcore elite gamer guy?
if you challenge me, you're gonna die.
that's right, quake in fear...
er, that spreadsheet? right here!
(i alt-tab when the boss passes by.)
"
"from coconut milk, i skim cream.
with pineapple juice it will team
for a pi?a colada
sipped beneath a ramada...
then, alas, i awake from my dream.
"
"when on trial, i sought liberation,
by using the ol' compurgation:
i swore 'twasn't me,
got twelve friends to agree?
but i got a state-sponsored vacation.
"
"""to those with good hair, fate is kind.
and light-skinned folks sure act refined,""
says sue, as she sighs
and blue-contacts brown eyes?
to her natural beauty they're blind.
"
"the playwriting genius bert brecht
never let 'em know what to expect.
he caused a sensation
through utilization
of the alienation effect.
"
"i just love when you play on your cello.
your legato's so soothing and mellow.
or play agitato?
it's ever so hot. oh,
it quite turns my knees into jell-o!
"
"my great-aunt has a curio rack
stuffed full of the worst bric-a-brac?
happy porcelain kittens,
pink ducks wearing mittens,
and tap-dancing pigs in the back.
"
"""i've brought you some flowers, dear sue.
they're almost as lovely as you.
oh, my heart so adores
their brown eyes?just like yours!""
""why, you idiot! my eyes are blue!""
"
"grrl power: the show is a hit?
it sparkles with drama and wit!
so i cried out, ""bravo!""
but the star said, ""no, no?
it's brava, you misogynist git!""
"
"when about my friend al you have heard,
you might laugh and say, ""please! how absurd!""
but it's just as i say?
check the guy's dna!
al o'saurus gave birth to a bird!
"
"he hides in the dark 'neath my bed?
just the thought of him fills me with dread.
now i always say ""please""
and eat all of my peas,
so the boogeyman won't kill me dead!
"
"life's a thrill-ride with bipolar i!
being manic is oh so much fun!
i just bounce around?whee!
hee hee hee hee hee hee!
but now i'm depressed. where's my gun?
"
"the ave maria's a prayer
said by catholics everywhere.
latin gives it more class
than that famed football pass
where the ball's just flung up in the air.
"
"""baby, what would you do for a buck?""
he asked, clearly hoping for luck.
so i gave him a wink,
and i said, ""did you think
for a dollar, this last line would rhyme?!""
"
"an asthmatic young tenor named steve,
at slow tempos, would frequently grieve,
""though i don't flag or waver
when singing a quaver,
i simply can't hold a whole breve!""
"
"to the counter the playboy was led,
with his mind somewhere else, as she said,
""isn't almandine green?""
""heavens no, dear maureen!
uh..i mean..uh..uh, violet!?red!""
"
"we're apprising you: please be aware
that your stock has lost twenty a share,
there's a berg 'neath your boat
so she can't stay afloat,
and you'll never recoup your full fare.
"
"when earth's warming has us on our knees,
when we're baking to death by degrees,
and when all seems amiss,
take cold comfort from this:
that at least we can know we won't freeze.
"
"what's a color more yellow than green
and a gemstone of quartz that is keen?
from the lemon there came
the old source of its name.
as you knew all along ? it's citrine!
"
"my friend cyrus is never alone
in his house, at his work, on his phone.
it seems every girl
wants to give him a whirl,
so he pleads that he needs a cy clone.
"
"there are mice in the clock, come and see!
we can tear off the tails of all three.
though that's gross, farmer's wife,
there's no need for a knife.
come avulsing, matilda, with me!
"
"here's augitic! ""taree! tataree!""
there's a fanfare of trumpets, you see,
to announce the arrival*
of the form adjectival
of the mineral augite, q.v.
"
"""i am bearded,"" said iris, ""a freak!""
so she shaved fifty times in a week.
now a high-powered laser
has replaced her old razor ?
what beauty! what softness! what cheek!
"
"do you need a fine line of defense?
then an abatis makes lots of sense.
if foes poke at your joint
they will soon get the point
that good neighbours don't make such a fence.
"
"they're titania; they're three of a kind;
only rutile is easy to find;
and the anatase fair,
geologically's rare;
and the brookite it's?well, never mined!
"
"there's a bar, subatomic, i know
where all the best particles go.
but it seems i've a jinx?
when i try to buy drinks
for electrons, they always say ""no.""
"
"the photographer shouted, ""say cheese!""
as i squinted and stifled a sneeze.
i said, ""wait!"" with a cough,
but his flashbulb went off.
(so don't tag me on facebook, oh please!)
"
"do you listen while you're at the zoo
for the animal noises? you do?
do you prick up your ears
to hear serpents or steers?
well, then bioacoustics suits you.
"
"one soprano who sang in the choir
was a torment to those who stood by her.
""once again, she sings c
when it's written as b!
argh! she's always a demitone higher!""
"
"an inveterate felon named mel
is rather like strep?how? i'll tell:
while one is a worm
and the other's a germ,
still they both are confined to one cell.
"
"tycho brahe, that star-gazing dane,
got a nose job for free. i'll explain:
he got into a duel
with a rival from school,
who sliced off a piece?what a pain!
"
"william minor, of broadmoor asylum,
had dark dreams in which girls would beguile him.
""oh, these dreams have so got to me
that an autopeotomy
is the only way i can exile 'em!""
"
"the crew on the bridge said to kirk,
""with each photon torpedo, we jerk!
we've dilithium crystals
and sleek phaser pistols;
why can't we get seat belts that work?""
"
"the disorder called adhd
makes it hard to sit still, and you see,
if i can't pay attention,
i'll get a detention!
now, where can my ritalin be?
"
"mactavish, that cadgy old scot,
drinks up shot after shot after shot,
then starts making passes
at sweet bonny lasses,
singing, ""ach, what a grand life i've got!""
"
"a birder i heard of in arkansas
strayed into the nudists' new park 'n' saw,
through brambles and bushes,
two roseate tushes?
his maw and his paw who were stark 'n' raw.
"
"aegina's a greek island place
and an asteroid far out in space.
i hope, with whole heart,
they'll stay far apart;
our race would be hard to replace.
"
"when rosemary, ginger, and basil
asked herb for his honest appraisal,
he said, ""with some thyme
and some seasoning, i'm
convinced you will sound much less nasal.""
"
"after lunch captain crunch was declaring,
o'er the roar of the sea in the bering,
""'twas the best allice shad
that i ever have had,
so i hope i'm not losing my herring.""
"
"what's the sense of the suffix -agogue?
it's ""...to draw or to lead from (...a fogue?)"".
if this gives you no clue,
take a place in the queue.
we are waiting agogue for some grogue.
"
"cape alava shouldn't be missed
as one farthest west point on your list.
there it lies, as by fate,
on a rotating plate.
we may yet see cape alava twist.
"
"with the day of her debut at hand,
and her choice of piano unplanned,
she was asked, ""dear miss aldwynne,
like to play with a baldwin?""
""why i'd love it. oh, baby, how grand!""
"
"an inept counterfeiter named dale
was incredibly easy to trail,
since his motto was just
""in an idol we trust.""
now he's rusting in jail without baal.
"
"in hawaii are two lava rocks:
aa's rough and occurs as big blocks,
while pahoehoe, you'll find,
is the smooth, ropy kind.
you should not walk across them in socks!
"
"a bagnio (a brothel to you)
had an animal musical crew,
where eleven baboons
sang lewd tunes from saloons,
while a twelfth played along on kazoo.
"
"the sweet rose is composed of its petals,
but the azoth's the source of all metals.
so the alchemists thought;
it was gold that they sought.
aren't you glad there's no azoth in kettles?
"
"the anatase (tio2)
is scarce, colored brownish or blue,
it's used in white paint;
that's really quite quaint
as its polymorphs end up there too.
"
"take a look in your specimens drawer.
if there's bornite, it's hard to ignore.
it's a main ore of copper
and its color's a topper:
it could fit almost any decor.
"
"here's a colorful gardening scene
with a fruitful remark by a queen:
says czarina to czar,
""all my blackberries are
such a beautiful red when they're green!""
"
"""yes, my shedyool says aldershot's next.""
(my american friend is perplexed.)
""ah, that's 'skedjool' to yanks,
but as brits we give thanks
that we learned it at shool from the text.""
"
"just one aeon means infinite time;
for ""no limit"" it's totally prime.
so it now seems to me,
and i hope you'll agree,
that these aeons lack reason, not rhyme.
"
"in the course of my dream i was struck
with the thought that all once was amuck.
then spoke god, with a holler,
""if you'll donate a dollar,
you will get a big bang for your buck!""
"
"in the midst of the hurricane's eye
i saw marvelous things in the sky.
with a terrified glance
i observed a barn dance,
garage sail, and, at last, a house fly.
"
"if a lizard should get in a scrape,
 autotomy helps it escape:
'stead of ""being in jail,""
it just breaks off its tail;
grows another to get back in shape.
"
"my sister, the devious esther,
i've learned is a secret molester.
but how can i stop 'er?
alas, she's a copper?
so who will arrest the arrester?
"
"if it's heat that you need to acquire,
one grey rock can fulfill your desire.
strike some steel against flint,
and you'll soon see a glint
that can flare to become blazing fire.
"
"modern science just isn't my shtick,
so i make my own cures when i'm sick.
i'll just chew on a leaf?
it's my fervent belief
that folk medicine will do the trick.
"
"on the first verse, please just play it straight?
your embellishments really must wait.
but the second time through,
you can add just a few
little ornament notes, and sound great.
"
"to eat fiber is key, i submit,
if you want a digestion that's fit.
best to eat lots of greens
and some lentils or beans,
or else you'll be saying, ""oh, shucks!""
"
"the bass on this piece must sound strong,
and not waver in pitch and go wrong,
for he's singing a drone?
that's just one note, alone,
from beginning to end of the song.
"
"look, you're botching that ?tude, you see,
'cause your fingers aren't where they should be.
you just can't play the song
if your fingering's wrong.
get it right, or give up debussy.
"
"we play field hockey out on the grass
with curved sticks used to shoot and to pass.
hit a puck? not at all,
but a hard rubber ball
with 160-or-so grams of mass.
"
"my book's editor said with confusion,
""to think i would print this is delusion.
i just can't comprehend
why it starts with 'the end.'""
i just grinned. ""it's a foregone conclusion!""
"
"in a panic, i realized, ""oh, hey!
it's the fourteenth?it's valentine's day!
i need gifts for my mate!""
called the florist?too late!
they had sold out of every bouquet!
"
"try my wonderful miracle cure!
it's organic! all-natural! pure!
oh, pure hokum, you scoff?
(ha, i'll still fob it off
on some fools and make bank, that's for sure!)
"
"asked the flea, as she leaped to the sky,
""what if i could affy in a fly?
what mite bee the effects
of a merge of insex?
i dunno, but i'll give it a try.""
"
"an american writer of fame
lives today, and won critics' acclaim
by composing keen plays
earning pulitzer praise.
each line here is a clue to his name.
"
"so, is b?hmite ""aluminum"" ore?
or perhaps ""aluminium"" more?
well, who cares how it's spelt,
just as long as they smelt
it all into the foil we adore?
"
"may our praise to agrippa increase!
a good man in war or in peace,
he did much for octavian?
led his army and navy, an'
scuttled cleo an' tony near greece.
"
"for a ""heavenly cloud"" at the fox,
cognoscenti would crowd up for blocks
to hear copland, grofe,
massenet, and bizet,
but the music that wowed 'em was bach's.
"
"if a curious crow might explore
for an object affording rapport,
something shiny and black,
he should get on the track
of some chromite (a chromium ore).
"
"it embarrassed old president polk;
made him choak (though 'twas only a joke),
when a naturist, kay,
far ahead of her day,
played at roque wearing naught but a toque.
"
"those with wealth seem to know you and i
always fall for the ""pie in the sky""
and must have, on our plate,
in two thousand and eight,
the best president money can buy.
"
"just consider the whimsy of fate
that decides what you'll have on your plate.
take the cannibal lad?
why, his taste was so bad,
he was fourteen before he was ate.
"
"cabrerite's a name from the past?
i'd suggest you forget it and fast!
for our science today
wants it taken away,
then deleted, disbarred, and declassed!
"
"each month, i send cash to the man
to pay all the bills that i can.
but sadly, my hunch is
there'll be no free lunches
with my cafeteria plan.
"
"said the singer of hair band death's door,
""when the bridge ends at bar 24,
grab the bridge of your bass
and start trashing the place,
while i scream the refrain one time more.""
"
"poor bill was an unlucky feller?
bricked his old lady up in the cellar.
well, it all seemed okay
when he hid her in may,
but come august, the whole town could smell 'er.
"
"i bought flowers, and ironed my clothes
for my date with that cutie named rose.
but wait! i've a breakout!
now how will i make out,
with hideous blobs on my nose?
"
"the substance called blende's not a drink.
it's part sulfur, which means it might stink.
it's the brownish-black ore
of some metal?want more?
you can figure it out if you zinc.
"
"if you suffer from toxification,
blame the pesticide sprayed on your nation.
oh, you hadn't a bit?
well, your food did, you twit.
duh! it's called biomagnification.
"
"while bubonic (lymph) plague is a curse
that can often lead straight to a hearse,
yersinia pestis,
if it's in your chest, is
pneumonic, and that's even worse!
"
"said the priest to the rabbi, ""i'm achin'!
how i hate this sad vow that i've taken!
oh, this celibate life
is a black pit of strife!""
sighed the rabbi, ""at least you get bacon.""
"
"if while reading fran?ais you should see
a cedilla (that thing on the ""c""),
it's simply a way
to say ""i'm not a k,
so pronounce me more sibilantly!""
"
"sergeant mulligan let out a shout?
""hey, you hooligan! you! cut it out!
quit it! cease! desist! no!
knock it off! no more! whoa!""
does he want me to stop? i'm in doubt...
"
"the latest a sunrise can get
ain't the day of its earliest set?
the sun's analemma
explains this dilemma.
next solstice lay down a sure bet.
"
"a blizzard down east is, like, so wind,
wicked cold, you get freakin, like, snow-in'd.
but here in dc,
switch on the tv,
ten flakes . . .  and whoa! towels are throw-in'd!
"
"a bdelloid once played the big screen,
grabbed a role in the african queen;
except that we hate,
just like bogie and kate,
the leech who must share our big scene.
"
"the deficit yearly you bloat;
all full of hot air, you then gloat.
as you rest on your laurels
with dubious morals,
be glad that our grandkids can't vote.
"
"in olde london one didn't transgress,
for a bilbo would make you confess.
the crown warden, dyslexic ?
""b"" or ""d""? so perplexic!
but such pleasure was had by queen bess.
"
"first sing forte (that's loud), said the score,
then fortissimo (that's even more),
and then just at the end, oh,
there's one more crescendo?
fortississimo! loud as a roar!
"
"my new kitten is strange, i admit.
catlike grace? she has none, not a bit.
so i've stocked up on gauze,
tape, and salves for her paws?
and i named the poor thing first aid kit.
"
"if you've documents sitting in piles,
it's a folder you need. (in two styles?
could be pulp from a tree
or bits on your pc;
either way, it's a thing to hold files.)
"
"in florence, marseilles, and milan,
the black death sent most everyone on
to hell or to heaven,
'round 1347.
before long, half of europe was gone.
"
"there were no flowers left, which is why
this small cactus was all i could buy.
so for you, turtledove,
here's a gift like our love:
it'll grow even when i don't try!
"
"if we met with a fierce allosaurus,
we should flee! if he saw us, he'd gore us!
we'd end up in his gut
as a tasty snack?but
he's extinct, which is quite lucky for us.
"
"when i write to the maestro, armando,
i cringe to see how he'll respond?oh,
i just know i'll behold
words in caps or in bold,
'cause with him, every note is forzando!
"
"chairs and tables i've carved and i've stained,
made from old bits of wood i've obtained.
me, i think it's all pretty,
but toffs from the city
call it folk art, because i'm untrained.
"
"at the particle bar, ere it dawned,
i met chlorine, a halogen blonde.
i know i'm reactive,
but she's so attractive,
already we've formed quite a bond!
"
"the centurion grumbled, ""i fear
that this jesus chap's end isn't near.
all this waiting is boring.
i'd rather be snoring?
i'll just give him a prick with my spear.""
"
"""this isn't for you!"" i have said.
""it's for tulips and lilies!"" i've pled.
but whatever i say,
my dog wags like, ""okay!""
and then sleeps in my mom's flower bed.
"
"on the prairie we'll live till we croak.
ain't got trees here, not even one oak.
but we're honest and fair,
and we'll give you yer share.
yep, we're what you would call just plain folk.
"
"an american, quite out of touch,
met a belgian who only spoke dutch.
""you're from flanders?"" he said.
""oh, then you must know ned!""
sighed the belgian, ""oh, nee, niet zo veel.""
"
"without one in your brain, you'd be screwy.
and the one in your stomach is gooey.
if you want to sound smart,
call it fornix, a part
that's the shape of that thing in st. louie.
"
"shall i introduce myself? i'll sing a ditty:
i help gentlemen woo maidens young and pretty?
calling me here, calling me there,
fixing their lives, fixing their hair!
make way for figaro, factotum of the city!
"
"i'm superb. there can be no objection;
every trait would pass any inspection.
you can all see i'm swell
(and so humble, as well).
i am flawless, ideal, pure perfection!
"
"this spaghetti's pathetic. each strand
tastes like nothing at all. it's so bland!
the sauce could be nice
with a wee bit of spice,
but this flavorless stuff i can't stand.
"
"in my chemistry class, a large faction
of us gals find that hunk a distraction.
as he strolls to his seat,
he sure generates heat?
it's a most exothermal reaction!
"
"for child-bearing women, it's key
to consume lots of vitamin b.
eating liver and greens
gives me folate, which means
better odds of a strong mini-me!
"
"i so want my new song to succeed,
that i tweak it each day?i concede
i've fine-tuned it a lot,
but each small change i've wrought
helps to make it a fine tune, indeed!
"
"an emergency? only one choice:
no im'ing or pictures, just voice.
9-1-1 would be nice
placed from any device,
sos from a fridge or rolls royce?
"
"abolition: a cause and intent
(backed by force) got the south to relent
and abandon a scheme
that was vile and extreme.
no apologies yet have been sent.
"
"there's a shark with a head like a hammer.
he's known for his prowess as rammer.
as butter he's blessed,
but as buttest, not best,
'cause no fish has superlative grammar.
"
"aper?us on a mollusk or two
got you tenure. insightful, that's you.
but with mammals you lack
a perceptional knack;
that's a rat, not a rat kangaroo.
"
"""for a vowel that's short,"" says this kev,
""use a symbol above called a breve.""
but according to steve,
it's pronounced best as ""breve,""
or just ""c on its back,"" offers bev.
"
"i'm obsessed with each adipose cell.
i don't stalk; it's my bus route as well.
since your cheek's on my seat
we can secretly meet
and i promise i won't ever tell.
"
"here's brevity: terseness the goal.
now this lim'rick must stretch out its role,
since one line and no rhyme
could have saved lots of time
and declared it was wit with a soul.
"
"four-and-twenty old blackbirds could hide
in the sky.  the a-12 (i'll confide)
could outfly and outrun
sr-71,
but now spy sats just pry far and wide.
"
"the abscopal effect seems bizarre:
zap a tumor here ? alter afar.
a small dose to your nose
may help cancerous toes
and make immunochem the big star!
"
"to shout ""god"" was once thought to blaspheme;
now he's named in each partisan scheme.
""no praying in class,""
or ""the pledge? i'll just pass,""
will make many politicos scream.
"
"now observe: if intrusively, ""tru"".
oh so counterintuitive, ""tu""?
it's the syllable third
from the back of the word.
you old antepenultima, you.
"
"this morning's commute got me psyched,
through the trails and the traffic i biked.
got a flat ? don't know where ?
had no pump, and no spare,
so the rest of the way i just hiked.
"
"if hearing or speaking's too hard,
you'll hold 7-1-1 in regard.
that's the number you'll call
to convert your typed scrawl;
it's much quicker than sending a card.
"
"the fountain of youth's an old notion.
now botox is fashion's chic potion.
injections allow
your cheek and your brow
to be smooth and avoid all emotion.
"
"take account of the words you provide;
more expense for twinned letters inside.
need some words you can show
with three pairs in a row?
just keep bookkeeping fully supplied.
"
"your blamelessness: proven by now,
and your honor's restored, we avow.
you mostly stayed nameless
(though, sadly, not flameless):
you're daisy, o'leary's brown cow.
"
"with bio and geo combined,
nature's chemistry treats us real kind.
with some water and soil
mix organics that spoil
and breathe easy together entwined.
"
"biometrics detects what you say,
even measures your eyes with a ray,
tracks the way that you sign
(so it's yours and not mine),
and ensures you're yourself every day.
"
"i've a very good friend, bidenticulate;
when he speaks, he is not quite articulate.
with only two teeth,
he must lisp on beneath
and gets tongue-tied when saying vermiculate.
"
"aye-aye, sir, your jet's set to zoom.
back in port, i'll reserve you a room.
there's a spot that will do
at the base boq.
you've no spouse or so, i assume?
"
"a deluded old farmer avows:
in the andes the nuts on the boughs
are an udder delight.
with no dairies in sight,
we get chocolate milk from cacaos.
"
"it's the crappiest sound for a word ?
etymology's rooted in ""turd.""
that intestinal rumbling
or political grumbling? ?
cacophony's what you just heard.
"
"the fire in the rug store left soot
and a burn on the owner's right foot.
for his goldfish, the worst:
she's no longer immersed.
the pet carp's on the carpet, kaput.
"
"my inflatable gal (her name's dee)
has a twin who's as ready as she.
every day we've a date,
and this tryst won't be late
'cause my carpool's now hov-3.
"
"in reagan's school menu debut
he said heinz-57 would do.
that nutritional winking
restricted our thinking,
with catsup as catch-22.
"
"o'er thy breast i rejoice so hedonic.
now dark! i repine histrionic.
though, muse, i tried vainly,
my lim'ricks are mainly
sardonic and far from byronic.
"
"this caecilian has family whose
individuals live in the ooze.
with each meal on their terms,
these amphibious worms
make an offal you cannot refuse.
"
"the analyst beggar was strange;
his routine he'd precisely arrange.
using calculus math
he derived the best path
to get optimal rates of new change.
"
"all the prints of islamic cartoons
were removed by the sheik's feared dragoons.
""let one funny go free
and then soon we would be
overrun by mohammad saloons.""
"
"want a milk shake with ice cream and flavor?
in newport you'll need this small favor.
'cause only poor saps
try to order cold frappes;
it's a cabinet that you will savor.
"
"in his sequins and silks, paul's not aiming
to ""pass"" in the least, but proclaiming
his id with great pride?
once when asked, he replied,
""am i gay? honey, please! i am flaming?!""
"
"on her science fair projects, dot's gotten
a series of f's. her most rotten
made the teacher, ms. fyfe,
sigh, ""the fabric of life
means its structure, dot?not bolts of cotton.""
"
"your horror film needs a few tweaks
if you want to elicit more shrieks?
make it darker; add more
scary music and gore,
and soon you'll be eking your ""eek!""s.
"
"today's trading is nuts?i must hurry
to cash in on this stock market flurry!
i hadn't been worried,
but now i'm so flurried,
to buy or to sell? it's all blurry!
"
"when a dotted note sits on the staff,
its new value's itself, plus one half.
you played two beats, but, see,
with the dot, it's worth three?
get it wrong, and we'll all have a laugh.
"
"poor b flat. he was false, so it's said.
he's a ghost now. he's thoroughly dead.
he has rhythm, no pitch.
guess they thought him a snitch?
someone gave him an x to the head.
"
"we brought gold ('cause we don't want to stiff any-
one), myrrh, and incense to sniff. any-
way, we were floored,
'cause that newborn's the lord!
holy cow! we've just had an epiphany!
"
"on a turtle, four elephants stand;
on their backs sits a marvelous land
with fantastical folks
and the funniest jokes?
it's the discworld, and isn't it grand?
"
"i've been working my biceps and pecs
as a means to attract the fair sex.
i just know chicks'll flock
to a muscle-bound jock?
they'll come running as soon as i flex!
"
"i'm a fantasy fan to my core;
over gaiman and tolkien i pore.
i've got shelves upon shelves
full of dragons and elves
(and a few stacks of books on the floor).
"
"learning solf?ge, you've two ways to go:
either fixed do or movable do.
when it's fixed, we agree,
do will always be c.
(it's the tougher way, just so you know.)
"
"since the battery died in my truck,
by the side of the highway i'm stuck.
i've got no signal flares,
so cars pass, unawares?
with no lights, i'm quite hidden. well...
"
"""this case, i find clear,"" finn opined,
found his voice to say, ""we're of one mind?
since we found out the knife
was found stuck in his wife,
the defendant is guilty, we find.""
"
"my business makes sewing supplies;
in a barn, we sell textiles and dyes.
i make torsos for hire
out of cloth, foam, and wire?
i form forms for a farm firm, you guys.
"
"life's a funny old thing, when you think.
take these elf cups, in scarlet and pink?
they can grow, clustered thick,
from one rotten old stick,
and form bowls from which fairies might drink.
"
"for this faburden, jen, beth, and leigh
will begin on the notes e, g, c.
then it's d, f, b-flat,
and continue like that?
constant intervals. please stay on key!
"
"every number has factors; they're how
it divides into integers. now
an example: take 10.
1, 2, 5, 10 again
are its factors. not hard, i avow.
"
"the king was upset, his face red;
close-enguarded (protected), he said,
""there's a stench in the air!
for our guards, we declare
a new law: loose a fart? lose a head.""
"
"having fibromyalgia's no gas?
i so wish that this illness would pass.
i'm tired and slow,
and i ache head to toe.
safe to say, it's a pain in my ass.
"
"flying dragons! they're real, not a lie!
giant beasts, who can soar, breathing fi?
what...no fire? no wings?
then what good are the things?
well, they're cute, i suppose. oh, well. (sigh.)
"
"when teaching about radiation
in its negative-charged incarnation,
it's important to say
that in beta decay,
an electron just goes on vacation.
"
"my first day on the job?i'm brand-new.
feeling nervous, i stopped in the loo.
i was in such a rush
i neglected to flush?
holy crap! the vp saw my poo!
"
"i'm not folding?i'm going to wait,
for i know that your hand isn't great.
that flush in your cheek
makes your poker face weak;
there's no way you've a flush or a straight!
"
"my short paper on hercules shocks
my instructor. ""you doofus! you ox!
you're the stupidest kid?
feats are great things he did;
they are not what he kept in his socks!""
"
"adenosine triphosphate, you see,
is more commonly called atp.
and it's second to none,
for it makes your cells run?
it's the substance that fuels you and me.
"
"mrs. d hosted dinner?pot luck;
friends brought hamburgers, pork chops, and duck.
but i wanted venison,
and asked mrs. denison,
""hey! could you please pass the buck?""
"
"for your date you should know the best way;
get good traveler's info today.
5-1-1 you can call
so you'll speed and not crawl.
and your tryst? all your fears you'll allay.
"
"unlike the last supper, i'm tode,
the last brudch could't ever be sode.
the new poidillist style
was considered quite vile
and was due to da vinci's bad code.
"
"coprophiliacs, welcome! it's true
that the invite appreciates poo.
and because you're well-versed,
you may find yourself first,
but we know you'd prefer number two.
"
"i'm convinced that it's not accidental;
no statue displays a byental.
it need not be coarse
to remember a horse,
though each penis would be monumental.
"
"entomology class: we're atwitter,
excited to learn how to clitter.
rub body parts 'round
that induces a sound
(except only the male's the emitter).
"
"it's not hard to commute in d.c. ?
a free ride when you're with the vp.
but steer funds to the hill
and you're jammed there until
you agree to say, ""please pardon me.""
"
"to a building that looks like a yurt,
they ride in and let treasures divert.
from the capitol steppes
you know each of these reps
will just take while you give till you hurt.
"
"in wisconsin, the cheeseheads appall
without tricking-and-treating each fall.
they're reliably scary
by using a dairy
for the lactose intolerance ball.
"
"""what i need,"" said john waters, ""real quick
is a theme for pink ogden, my flick.
now a dandy who's randy
could come in quite handy
but a vicar who's sicker's the trick.""
"
"the statistics reviewed will reveal
child celebrities grow up surreal.
there are olsens and spears
and the rest of their peers ?
but the primary datum? o'neal.
"
"a creature's cloaca can hide
all the naughty bits somewhere inside.
with one cavity fewer,
it's sex in a sewer ?
stuff hustler would publish with pride.
"
"although texting is now a big smash,
morse's code still reacts in a flash.
when you want to harangue
your posse or gang,
telegraphy suits to a ?.
"
"my mother just said to me ""son,
i think daughters-in-law are no fun.""
""well, mom, maybe that's true
but like dad i made do
and agreed to get married to one.""
"
"edmund clerihew bentley invented
the four-line verse form i've presented.
it notes someone's name
and his reason for fame
(since this couldn't be one, i augmented).
"
"an algerian fish stand grew louder
from mews of the governor's clowder.
the noises then ended
because the cook blended
the cats of the dey in the chowder.
"
"the fancy-dress winner was wearing
a clupeoid get-up so daring
with shad-y allure
and two gills to be sure
that the judges beheld a fair herring.
"
"why say white when the meaning's ""caucasian""?
it's a dubious racial equation.
just look around town;
we are all shades of brown,
whether african, western or asian.
"
"when you dine in nantucket tonight,
follow customs while being polite.
bring some fish, not desserts;
always wear short-sleeve shirts:
two bare arms is a cod-givin' rite.
"
"my sister just got a shampoo
from her stylist-cum-guru from crewe.
now she worships a bear,
thinks she comes from altair?
it would seem that her brain got washed, too.
"
"said the atheist democrat, ""geez!
the u.s. sure is feeling a squeeze
from that darn bible belt?
we would all be more svelte
if we just could get up off our knees!""
"
"once king henry's affections decreased,
thomas becket would soon be deceased.
henry griped, ""you're no fun!""
and then cried, ""is there none
who'll get rid of this turbulent priest?""
"
"here's an anapest cadence replete
with a classical limerick's beat
stressed in dublin and dover,
until it trips over
a set of four iambic feet.
"
"""take me off of the ballot,"" complained
tom delay (after being arraigned).
he's still up for election
despite his objection
and whether or not he's campaigned.
"
"clever me, got a deal on my ride!
i mean, sure, the transmission is fried,
and the tires lack air,
but the salesman said they're
quite all right?they're just flat on one side!
"
"sammy sperm said, with vigor and vim,
""my appendage is long, strong, and slim!
when i wave my flagellum,
eggs fall under my spell?um,
now which way was i s'posed to swim?""
"
"it's a communist plot, fluoridation,
causing impotence! death! subjugation!
tinfoil hat on my head,
i'll drink soda instead
till i think up a means of filtration.
"
"just like poetry, music is built
out of phrases that linger and lilt,
and a figure, in song,
is a phrase that's not long?
just a few notes, but played to the hilt!
"
"i'm studying ethnomusicology?
it's part music and part sociology.
i'll compare a guitar
to an oud or sitar,
using only the best methodology.
"
"as a field hockey player i'm built
for power when dashing full tilt.
sure, those brutes on the ice
might make their game look nice,
but when i play, i'm sporting a kilt!
"
"while watching a play in the sun,
we noted the gun in act one.
that shadow before it?
we mustn't ignore it?
it means someone will die ere we're done.
"
"i made flash cards to help me remember
the french verbs my class learned in september.
i'll read each of 'em (lire),
say the answers (that's dire),
and do well (r?ussir) in december!
"
"""it's my bum knee, you see,"" bea complains.
""it plagues me with aches and with pains.
oh, sometimes it's all right,
but it won't be tonight?
i've a flare-up whenever it rains.""
"
"i remember that summer, so fair,
when we'd dance through the night without care.
all the girls tossed their tresses
and twirled in their dresses,
their floaty skirts catching the air.
"
"though outdoors, all is covered in snow,
in my hearth, logs are softly aglow.
let it freeze, let it storm?
i'll stay cozy and warm
by the fireside, with nowhere to go.
"
"my best friend is a whiz at ballet;
as for me, i can paint like monet.
since we're both the bee's knees,
we'll be getting degrees?
yes, we're masters of fine arts today!
"
"if you listen to masses or watch 'em
with their old latin words (please don't botch 'em)
there's a phrase sung or said
while the priest breaks the bread
dona nobis, it goes, pacem, pacem.
"
"that small pond is eutrophic, which means
it's essentially heaven for greens.
it's so nutrient-rich,
when i slipped in that ditch,
i got algae all over my jeans.
"
"though the music-inclined cognoscenti
might still use that old word, diapente,
you'll be fine if you say
that from d up to a
is p5?that communicates plenty.
"
"jerry lee, quite the wiz, knows his tools
to shake nerves and win magical duels;
his most famous shoots flame
in a ball (hence the name)?
goodness gracious, that fireball rules!
"
"my ex was a massive disgrace
all the bullets i have won't erase?
still, i pasted his mug
on an old whiskey jug,
and then emptied my gun in his face.
"
"i sell flatbreads: lahoh, theti paan,
farl, foccaccia, injera, and naan!
i'm offering lots o'
tortillas and matzoh,
so get 'em before they're all gone!
"
"said my doc, ""there is more than a chance
that your pain's discogenic. just glance
at this scan of your spine.
see that disc out of line?""
guess that's why it gets worse when i dance!
"
"to count on jos?'s a mistake;
any promise he makes he'll soon break.
it's quite undeniable?
he's unreliable,
truly the flakiest flake.
"
"a fibroma?the tumor i had?
left me feeling both panicked and sad,
but the doc said, ""no issue!
such tumors of tissue
connective: benign! not so bad.""
"
"the brake-assist helps you arrive;
it can slow down the car while you drive.
yet you phone and you drink,
too distracted to think.
you're damn lucky to still be alive.
"
"i'm lifted on wings of a dove,
then i'm dragged to the earth from above.
now my turbulent soul
has spun out of control;
oh, the aerodynamics of love.
"
"the preflight we'd never neglect
since a whale of a ride we'd expect.
we kept jonahs away
(we'd need luck in a fray);
the a-3 wouldn't let us eject.
"
"when it's hickory-dickory time,
there's no anapest scampering climb;
but a dactylist might
find a suitable height
with a cursory nursery rhyme.
"
"3-1-1 is the number for when
no assistance is needed right then.
it's for potholes, strewn litter,
no lights all aglitter,
or in-laws who stayed once again.
"
"all the kids come around and they blare:
""it's your donkey we all want to share,
plus your tire on a rope!""
they're excited and hope
for a ride on a swing and a brayer.
"
"? la plage where you want to swim now,
but your suit's in your bag ? so then how?
to undress in espa?a
you'd use a caba?a;
in france you just suavely drop trow.
"
"there's a theater that poultry endorse
showing ""heloise: peter's remorse.""
all the tickets aren't cheap,
but the roosters won't peep,
since the capons get cast rates, of course.
"
"at the apex of everything camp,
liberace was certainly champ.
every night he'd delight
by igniting a bright
candelabrum instead of a lamp.
"
"an unemployed barber called pop
was as skilled as the best with a strop.
but his problem was chronic ?
he'd turn catatonic ?
while shaving a client he'd
"
"""from the left, take a fist,"" i declare,
as your punch hits from right.  oh, despair.
that chiasmus up there
has a pattern ? just stare;
it's a cross that i'm sure you can bear.
"
"take apis ? now how could that be
like cystitis? read on and you'll see.
when the question is punny,
the answer's a honey:
that either could sting when you pee.
"
"to a college degree you aspire?
well, those four years of study require
that your parents dig deep
(the expenses are steep),
and forget all their plans to retire.
"
"an astronomer up in his tower
has 'scopes of incredible power.
concave or convex,
he extends and inspects
sexy neighborhood girls in the shower.
"
"bzas have the power to say
if a zoning exception's okay.
here's their vote on your land
that you platted and planned:
""la boucherie chevaline? we say neigh!""
"
"holy rackets but yet no complaints,
because miracles have no constraints?
or a marketing coup
by the clergyman who
renamed ""churches of clatter day saints.""
"
"a cook in the army named pearl,
gave the guys in the mess quite a twirl.
although draining to give,
'twas her duty to sieve ?
they loved dating this colander girl.
"
"one, two, three to forever's a set
that's called aleph-null; infinite, yet
it's much less than all reals.
see the truth this reveals?
you can't count on your toes, so don't fret.
"
"learn aerodynamics and know
how the air round your glider will flow.
your reasoning's obtuse
with that friction excuse;
it's the pressure that drags when you go.
"
"the cashier's disgraced, as she feared,
for the racket that she pioneered.
with her friends she'd connive
to swap tens for a five ?
for a change she was caught and cashiered.
"
"""time to set off the bomb! i presume
that you've lit its long fuse? then we'll zoom
safely out of harm's way?
wait, what's that that you say?
it was only six inches? shi?"" boom!
"
"tried to cook a nice meal for my chick,
but it all went so wrong! i feel sick.
the steak's way past well done?
someone call 911!
have them send out some firemen, quick!
"
"anchovies on hot dogs? now, frank,
i'll be honest?that recipe stank.
really, frank, i must say:
throw those wieners away,
'cause those franks, frank? quite frankly, they're rank.
"
"""we'll escape for the winter,"" you swore,
so i dressed for a cruise up the shore.
what a mess. i feel blue?
and i'm turning blue, too?
'cause that shore was in norway. it's frore.
"
"are you some kind of wuss or a geek?
if you're not, join our frat, bro! go greek!
we might make you drink pee,
but it's worth it, you'll see!
so pay up and be part of our clique!
"
"fear the kindly ones, child, so say i.
don't dishonor your elders or lie,
or the furies will know,
and wherever you go
they will hound you?in torment you'll die.
"
"passed the funnel cake stand, caught the smell
of the sugary treat that they sell.
oh, that fried-batter mound
is delicious, i've found?
but the calories...oh, what the hell!
"
"from's a word that you use every day;
it's so common, it's hard not to say
in prepositional clauses
for sources or causes
or places you start on your way.
"
"look, i'm stuck in a hell of a jam;
i'm a fugitive, ma'am, on the lam.
'cause that crime wasn't mine,
so i seek the real swine?
seen a guy with one arm? no? well, damn.
"
"a fugue will begin with one part,
and then more parts will join; each will start
in a similar way
and then vary, so they
overlap to produce graceful art.
"
"a fractal, in nature or art,
is a shape you might spot, if you're smart.
like a branch on a trunk,
when expanded or shrunk,
each whole shares its shape with each part.
"
"this bar serves framboise? i shall cheer!
i don't care if you think that it's queer
that my favorite drink
is a bright shade of pink,
'cause it's berry delicious, that beer.
"
"don't get her a rock that's humongous?
better off to appeal to her tongue, gus.
serve shiitakes, saut?ed,
portabellas, flamb?ed?
'cause your girl, she just wants to have fungus.
"
"'twas daggoo roused the crew just ere noon.
queequeg sprung and he flung his harpoon.
the whale's flurry then splashed
the whole crew. how it thrashed!
soaked, stubb said, ""kill 'im dead?make it soon!""
"
"you know how to read, one presumes?
then stop stinking up all of our rooms.
the sign says ""no smoking.""
i'm livid, not joking?
i'm fuming from breathing your fumes.
"
"you're so cute, with your curly red hair,
your blue eyes, and your skin smooth and fair
with its dusting of freckles,
those little brown speckles
on your nose (or your hot derri?re).
"
"""i've got all the best gossip,"" you crow.
""for your info: jane broke up with joe!
fyi: jane's a babe,
and she's single now, gabe!""
(is she really? heh, shows what you know...)
"
"please, you must go! goodnight, and adieu.
i'm just...busy. yes. that. things to do...
(it's a full moon tonight?
when that orb's round and bright,
i'll be busy, all right.) ah?aroooooooooooooo!
"
"call me fat, if you like. you can judge?
i don't care. i'm in heaven. won't budge
from my seat, where i eat
my rich chocolate treat,
till i've finished this whole pound of fudge.
"
"those lilacs are fragrant, my dear?
i can smell 'em from way over here.
but that redolent smell
makes my sinuses swell;
i'b codgested id secodds, i fear.
"
"if you want to have fun you will find
that the cat in the hat is the kind
of a book you should take,
but the things in there make
a big mess that your mother would mind.
"
"robert atkins' strict diet supplied
a brief plan: carbohydrates denied.
and the starchless result
for the head of this cult?
the good doc was quite fat when he died.
"
"at the service an orthodox man ?
the liturgical singer ? began
to believe he no longer
could chant any stronger.
we countered: ""you cantor you can!""
"
"my frogkick and pull set the pace,
but mix breaststrokes and softball? disgrace!
my technique was negated
by players i dated
each time i approached second base.
"
"the right measure, you'll learn, is the key.
if you want to push over a flea,
cgs may be fine;
but use more than a dyne
to force isaac away from that tree.
"
"when driving your car, stay alert,
and improving your diet won't hurt.
the statistics don't lie,
you will probably die
from a crash or an ice cream dessert.
"
"i stopped eating and just had to stare
at the waiter's sartorial flair:
a pork sausage-topped cap
with more brats for the strap.
i'll now dine where there's no wurst for wear.
"
"on shore there's a captain named grace,
known for keeping the men in their place;
she'd two frigid commands,
but now lets a few hands
have more liberty 'round her third base.
"
"an apophlegmatic elixir
clears phlegm when a cough will not fix 'er.
that frog in your throat
has left slime on your coat?
ewwww?no prince will you kiss at the mixer.
"
"a grammatical reason to care:
when the feast you're attending is where
the amount of your friends
that they'll serve well depends
on the number of cannibals there.
"
"an artist, turned boxer for pay,
accomplished his goal this fine day.
he had courage, you see,
and conviction, for he
ended up on the canvas his way.
"
"once the tooth fairy gladly would pay
one thin dime for each tooth.  now kids say,
""that's not nearly enough!
we demand folding stuff!""
those darn kids all have buck teeth today.
"
"a  calendar's useful to me,
but its use is short-lived.  can it be
in a free-market land
obsolescence is planned?
for its days sure are numbered, i see.
"
"two boxers! just look at their size!
one's biting an ear?he's no prize!
they're both covered with bruises.
the ear biter loses.
this sure was a fight for sore guys.
"
"when i start up a new enterprise,
all i get is ""why?why?"" from you guys.
in case you've not heard,
i'll explain in one word?
because is my word to the whys.
"
"almost all the ship's rigging was tight?
new lines! but the hull was a sight,
and it leaked more each day,
so the captain would say,
""my barque is much worse than my bight.""
"
"when the new year is finally here,
gay champagne will be poured far and near.
but it's smarter, i think,
to select, when you drink,
only sadder budweiser, a beer.
"
"a motto that's presently shared
by the boy scouts was loudly declared
when a tenderfoot tyke
fixed the horn on his bike
and then proudly announced, ""beep repaired.""
"
"the bartender said, ""oh, my stars!
i'll be handing out cuban cigars
if i'm ever paroled,
for i've spent, growing old,
the last 35 years behind bars.""
"
"a menagerie made out of glass
was owned by a lady of class.
her pride and her joy
was a donkey, and boy,
how she loved just to sit on her ass!
"
"don't believe what that criminal claimed!
the painting, he stole?but i'm blamed.
that wood thing from around it,
in my house you found it?
but he put it there! i've been framed!
"
"you won't find any sort of meter here.
rhyme? we don't need no stinkin' rhyme.
this little poem is still
shaped like a limerick?
but it breaks all the rules! it's free verse.
"
"i got paper cuts counting my money;
today's view from the ritz isn't sunny;
a sixth house, i'm not getting:
these things are upsetting.
you fell down and died? now that's funny!
"
"my goods aren't for prudes or for squares,
but for those who play rough in affairs?
leather whips, lengths of chain,
violet wands?cause some pain!
buy them all, 'cause i'm flogging my wares!
"
"""dearest anne, we shall wed, i avow,""
sayeth will. ""so address me thus, now?
end the formality
and impersonality?
no more you from you! please, call me thou?!""
"
"when you look at how music is scored,
then inversions just can't be ignored.
if it seems it's the case
that the third's in the bass,
first inversion's the term for that chord.
"
"""have i taken my daily pills yet?
what's the name of that guy we just met?
where'd my specs go?"" she said.
""oh, they're here on my head.
why'd i come in this room? i forget.""
"
"if you're not a huge musical nerd,
well, then eye music might seem absurd.
you might think it's a bore
to have things in the score
that are there to be seen and not heard!
"
"on the internet, jim causes strife,
saying, ""kill all the jews! beat your wife!""
he'll post flame bait and run?
he finds stoking rage ""fun.""
how we wish that he'd just get a life.
"
"an equation you must know, of course,
is the one for which newton's the source:
take a mass times the rate
it accelerates, mate,
then that m times that a equals force.
"
"an egotist: one who will keep
his mouth flapping for more than a peep
about how he  succeeds
in performing great deeds.
when he's talking, he's always me-deep.
"
"this cowpoke, a stupid young bloke,
had thought kissing a girl was a joke,
'til he met his babette,
a pretty brunette.
this cowboy is now altar broke.
"
"eagle theft is a felony, hence
to jail you will go. that makes sense.
but the stealing, i've heard,
of my talking pet bird
would be only a mynah offense.
"
"i eat too many cookies, it's true:
oatmeal raisin and oreos, too.
call it will power snacking?
my won't power's lacking.
nothing's lost, but it's weight i accrue.
"
"king arthur once prayed, feeling strain,
for the end of a drought.  not in vain?
showers saved the crops sown,
and that time is now known
as the good days of king arthur's reign.
"
"a theology student, marie
madeleine fiddle refused her degree.
she said, ""it is rough!
my name's bad enough
without changing to fiddle d.d.""
"
"with a bit of a smile and a shrug,
bob said to his barber named doug,
""can you make my toupee
more stylish today?""
a new meaning to cutting a rug!
"
"puppy rex likes to chew on a shoe.
his sharp teeth have destroyed quite a few.
if he talked, he would say,
""a good chew makes my day.
i really love sole food. don't you?""
"
"a dentist named keith i once knew
gave advice that i think is quite true:
""every day,"" advised keith,
""you be true to your teeth,
or else they will be false unto you.""
"
"in the desert, a man lost his way.
he crossed three dried-up streams in dismay.
""parched and weak i've become,""
he decried, ""going from
one ex-stream to another today.""
"
"the chemist exclaimed with surprise,
""are you blind, boys? believe your own eyes!
can you claim you don't see
any atoms?  oh gee!
you're looking right atom, you guys!""
"
"the air at the station, today,
is no longer free.  now we pay.
oh, why is this so?
i'd sure like to know.
it's inflation is all i can say.
"
"a fence of barbed wire that looked mean
encircled a field, lush and green.
a cow wanted clover.
she tried to jump over.
an udder disaster was seen.
"
"she said to her hubby, ""oh lee,
is this outfit becoming to me?""
to say ""yes"" would be wrong,
so he answered, ""as long
as the bill won't be coming to me.""
"
"alternative medicine's skill
won't be paid by insurance, but still
acupuncture is swell
if the jab is done well,
but beware, you'll get stuck with the bill.
"
"to bake her own bread she would try,
but her failure would cause her to cry.
she ran out of wheat
while making her treat,
so the loaf went completely awry.
"
"the vets found a drug that they say
will be harmless to dogs, and it may
keep them quiet at night.
no more moon-howling rite?
every dog, now, may not have his bay.
"
"an arsonist's fire bomb was tossed
and the shoe store was burned at a cost.
what this tragedy brings
is the saddest of things?
over two hundred soles have been lost.
"
"""i'll not go to the clinic.  instead
i'll just fix it myself,"" old doc said.
something sharp in the trash
cut his hand. what a gash!
""suture self,"" his wife said as he bled.
"
"i went to the london zoo, where
i saw a poor bear without hair.
i don't know if that's bad,
but i felt very sad.
i can't bear to behold a bare bear.
"
"thick-necked and well-muscled, a bruiser,
bluto picked on a short, skinny loser.
ah, but looks are deceiving;
now the big guy is leaving
in officer little guy's cruiser.
"
"human beings, at times, like to boast
the brain's cortex defines them the most.
it's important, that's true,
but between me and you,
if the brain stem is damaged, you're toast.
"
"when xena tried on her brassiere,
seems the color was wrong.  it was clear
that she wanted it sassier?
bronze, only brassier?
so her breasts would be weapons to fear.
"
"an alphabiotic exam
might persuade you it's only a sham,
but perhaps if you took
a more skeptical look,
you'd conclude it's an out-and-out scam!
"
"on the front page, a terrible headline:
""union bargains, but fails to meet deadline"".
now the plant is shut down
in our factory town,
and we'll queue up for food at the breadline.
"
"in the windup to one of his pitches,
big bob split a seam in his britches!
we laughed till we cried,
patched up trousers and pride;
we had bob (and vice versa) in stitches!
"
"tiger coolly  strode onto the green,
ball and cup, thirty feet in between.
just a flick of his putter?
that's woods' bread-and-butter?
a birdie for him, hole eighteen.
"
"with a noise that would frighten king kong,
bobby drove his car?wait, drove is wrong?
bobby smashed through the door
of the sheet music store
and proceeded to break into song.
"
"a brainstorming session at work,
by some quite understandable quirk,
yielded no cures for losses,
but did discuss bosses:
we've forty new ways to say ""jerk"".
"
"the cuttlefish: squid-like, you think?
just a cephalopod in the drink?
then you also should know it
refers to a poet,
or any who hide in their ink.
"
"the poor dodo is no longer heard.
it is gone, and ""extinct"" is the word.
it's now famous, it's said,
for the fact that it's dead,
this gentle and comical bird.
"
"donne wrote, ""death be not proud."" i agree.
i think donne hath made fun of poor thee.
for  crying out loud,
i could never be proud
of a guy who'll make worm food of me.
"
"did you hear of the bigamist who
once married two women i knew?
i declared to his face,
""that's an utter disgrace,
for you can't have kate and edith, too.""
"
"there's a neighbourhood deli that's near,
where the owner has made it quite clear
with a sign at his store,
which is hung on the door:
""you should knockwurst then enter right here.""
"
"though a cow has two horns to admire,
it's her longer term outlook that's dire.
she is milked twice a day
with no pay except hay,
and no savings on which to retire.
"
"a curmudgeon was finally freed
of acts that discriminate.  he'd
often brag when he stated,
it was all men he hated
regardless of race, choler, greed.
"
"what a navel encounter last spring
occurred between daddy ben sing
and his daughter, sue ann,
all about a young man
and her new belly button gold ring.
"
"there once was a black widow spider
who got drunk drinking hard apple cider.
when drunken, she ate
her poor smaller mate,
who drowned in the cider inside 'er.
"
"she thought she'd like being a nun,
but their wearing bright color's not done.
she guessed she could bear
wearing black on a dare,
but to get in the habit's no fun.
"
"there once was a chemist named bill
who turned water to gas with a pill.
he filled up his car,
but he didn't get far
'cause his car would go only downhill.
"
"to use chromolithography, ink
some engraved plates of stone or of zinc?
use one hue for each plate;
when combined, they create
color prints. quite a trick, don't you think?
"
"she will let you write page after page
on her life on the screen and the stage.
but one thing you must guess,
for she'll never confess
to her true chronological age.
"
"the christmas song ""silver and gold""
may recall happy winters of old,
but it's capitalistic?
a bimetallistic
economy's there to behold!
"
"joyner-kersee is nobody's chump?
the top distances, five in a clump.
jackie's strong and she's fast;
though her prime is now past,
i swear, you should see the broad jump!
"
"best is squirrel, but a chicken will do,
boiled slow, so it's easy to chew.
lots of veggies and spice?
southern cooking is nice?
straight from brunswick, va, brunswick stew.
"
"i've a mansion in beverly hills,
and a life full of shopping and thrills,
but i find the amount
in my checking account
insufficient to cover my bills.
"
"politicians who vote for a war
after dodging one, decades before,
earn the ""chicken hawk"" name;
it's a label of shame
for behavior that's hard to ignore.
"
"she wore a translucent chemise
with a hemline just over her knees,
and i thought i might swoon
by the light of the moon
when it rose in response to the breeze.
"
"no, it isn't as good as a roast;
it is hated (detested!) by most.
in the army, stop looking
for good down-home cooking,
and learn to love chipped beef on toast!
"
"you might think i'm just telling a tale,
but i've seen it each time without fail:
though i can't see the point,
our new hamburger joint
has their drive-through instructions in braille!
"
"the little 4-h-er was praised
for the beautiful calf she had raised.
the judge said, ""it shows
that you love elsie rose.""
""oh, i will"", said the little girl, ""braised.""
"
"she's brain-dead; it's worse than a coma.
no psyche, no mind, only soma.
the person you knew
has bid this world adieu,
having lost to her astrocytoma.
"
"the bracelet she wore on her wrist
softly chimed while her hand formed a fist.
she broke my poor nose
and i learned, i suppose,
that some women don't want to be kissed.
"
"""it's too salty,"" the critic opined;
his review was not meant to be kind.
""it's not that i'm fickle?
it tastes like a pickle!""
the corned beef was overly brined.
"
"""it's all carbon,"" he said, ""just pretend!
allotropism may start a trend!""
but the rock on her ring
wasn't diamond, poor thing:
graphite lumps aren't a woman's best friend.
"
"a brave and adventuresome lass
had to brave bitter cold at grant's pass.
oh, her prospects were grave
till a katuku brave
built a campfire to thaw out her ass.
"
"the oedilf takes the planet by storm?
some day soon, we will find it the norm!
words explained in great brevity
(brief) and with levity?
defined in the limerick form!
"
"to recognize ash-coated cheese
look for grey-coloured goat cheeses, please.
you can tell them by sight;
if the outside is white,
then the rind is not ash: it's a brie's.
"
"as i browsed through the books i'd requested,
the librarian had me arrested!
i cried, ""surely you've read
francis bacon, who said
that some books should be chewed and digested!""
"
"the mobsters, thick-muscled and scarred,
hold old will in the highest regard.
in the show kiss me, kate,
this advice they relate:
it behooves you to brush up your bard.
"
"kinda hard to decide how to act?
should i try to press on or use tact?
will she show me a warm
front, or more of a storm?
my barometer's not quite exact.
"
"when just the right compounds unite
the result is no heat, but bright light.
a firefly's quintessence
is chemiluminescence?
a magical midsummer sight.
"
"the term chromosomal mutation
labels dna's slight aberration.
many different alleles,
thorough mapping reveals,
co-exist in a large population.
"
"chromic acid, you'll read on the label,
is corrosive and very unstable.
if you'd like to explore
h2cro4
on its own, you will find you're unable.
"
"a genetic or chromosome map
is intended to show, without gap,
the specific location
where each gene's notation
is physically found (it's a snap!).
"
"a dog, to a taste or a smell,
will drool like a four-legged well.
some have also acquired
a reflex, inspired
by pavlov (that name ring a bell?).
"
"in acoustic aphasia, a word
(well, its sound) can be perfectly heard,
but to understand speech
is a task out of reach?
it sounds garbled or scrambled or blurred.
"
"the bombardier beetle can spray
noxious liquid and gas, in a way
that creationists find
is clear proof: it's designed!
their beliefs, though, have led them astray.
"
"when the acrobats stacked for a stunt,
they fell down in a heap, with a grunt.
though their tower gave way,
they were mostly okay,
'cause the man at the base bore the brunt.
"
"she's a robot; she doesn't look real,
but she still has a certain appeal:
she has silicon eyes
and molybdenum thighs
and an ass made of chromium steel.
"
"the atheist asked: ""i'm a member
of a non-prophet group since september,
so am i still insured
for the damage endured
from an act of (no) god in november?""
"
"a young girl who lived near the equator
took a swim with her pet alligator.
some say she was drowned?
'cause she never was found?
but i'm betting her gator just ate 'er.
"
"the sign on the roof now makes sense.
a dance hall once owned by some gents
was converted to be
a body shop. see
the new sign: ""may we have the next dents?""
"
"gourmet food once gave bill a real thrill.
the roast duck was superior; still
at first, what he saw
made his jaw drop with awe?
he was shocked when they gave him the bill.
"
"""your foot's in a cast, mr. bly.
can you tell us what happened? and why?""
""i will tell you no lie,""
was bly's angry reply,
""my computer, i booted goodbye.""
"
"he does haircuts?the mohawk's his pride,
which has helped spread his fame far and wide.
but a barber he's not.
it's a hobby he's got,
for he only cuts hair on the side.
"
"in europe, it started in spain?
a new money crop led to more gain.
a sugar cane planting
looked very enchanting,
so the farmers began to raise cane.
"
"butcher brown has a safety-first quirk.
he said to his helper named kirk,
""here's a little reminder.
you should face the meat grinder,
or you may get behind in your work.""
"
"when napoleon beat a retreat
after waterloo, tattered and beat,
both his boots were removed,
and it quickly was proved
that napoleon stunk of defeat.
"
"when new student bob orr (rhymes with lure)
entered college, he wasn't so sure
that he wanted the fame
he derived from his name,
for he often was called ""freshman orr.""
"
"chi-square testing compares fexpected
to the real fobtained you've collected:
square, divide by fe,
sum these up, and you'll see
if hypothesisnull is rejected.
"
"a behavioral theorist named skinner
made the operant chamber a winner;
now we all reinforce
as a matter of course,
and a rat has to work for its dinner!
"
"i see mozart. (my eyelids are closing?
am i dreaming? or maybe just dozing?)
he's erasing his score.
""is it wrong?"" i implore.
""no,"" he says,  ""i am just decomposing.""
"
"you know she's a brown recluse spider,
for she bit you the moment you eyed 'er,
and the shape of a fiddle
appears on her middle.
quick?dial your health care provider!
"
"wanna dance, wanna act, wanna sing!
look out broadway, i'm doin' my thing!
it's a million to one,
but before i am done
i must grab for that storied brass ring!
"
"an oversized pirate named tiny
had a weakness for anything shiny.
but he stole some doubloons
from some sea-faring goons,
and they laid him to rest in the briny.
"
"a bleach-out's a nifty technique:
take a photo that's printed real weak,
then just draw over top
with your pen.  when you stop,
bleach the pic, keep the drawing?tr?s chic!
"
"if you study a nautilus well,
you will find a compartmented shell
with the old chambers sealed
by a wall that won't yield;
it lives just in the outermost cell.
"
"i want a baboon or a chimp,
but no matter how tightly i scrimp,
they're too dear.  a sea-monkey
is cheap and it's funky.
then sis said, ""they're brine shrimp, you simp!""
"
"a biostatistical maven
from an ivy league school in new haven
found that biostatistics
showed characteristics
that separate sparrow from raven.
"
"an acephalous thing has no head,
like a tribe with no leader, it's said.
when poetically put,
a line lacks its first foot.
. . . what i've recently read.
"
"if you like to get gifts by the crateful,
it's important to say you are grateful.
to aggrate, don't delay;
give your thanks right away,
lest your christmas and birthday be fateful.
"
"in china, a nursemaid's an amah.
a portugese ama aids mama.
so one or the other
perhaps helped to mother
confucius or vasco da gama.
"
"a tree in a west indies grove
hints of cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove.
since the flavors seem joined,
the name allspice was coined.
its berry's the berries, by jove!
"
"his lectures were dull and quite dead;
seems nothing absorbing was said.
he'd hear students boo,
""we don't cotton to you.""
now he's writing the textbooks instead.
"
"when they kissed 'neath a poplar, and he
popped the question, she didn't agree,
barking, ""no! you're a sap.""
so it seems the poor chap
will remember the alamo tree.
"
"a shortstop who vied for the spot,
stopped short when his aglet tip caught.
while his shoe was relaced,
he was also replaced,
and a second-string's just what he got.
"
"""i fresco with ease,"" said a master,
while painting on freshly spread plaster.
""but i sneeze in fresh air
and start panting out there,
so alfresco can soon spell disaster.""
"
"accumbent, the romans would dine;
relaxed, on their hips, they'd recline.
they also were found
to fiddle around,
and in that case, they could be supine.
"
"said a hip college junior named stan,
""i dig archaeology, man!
i rock in geology,
mars (areology),
and i've studied abroad?in my van.""
"
"a newspaper's local reviewer
said, ""mistakes at this place should be fewer!
i decided to get
a nice lamb en brochette,
but they brought me some lamb on a skewer!""
"
"i'm sorry?here, have this begonia.
and i swear i've been trying to phone ya.
i would (*cough*) love to speak,
but i'm horribly weak
and i'm sick of this bronchopneumonia.
"
"just a few meters into the race
the lead runner, with pain on his face,
stepped away, off the course,
with a bad charley horse;
when your leg cramps, you can't keep your pace.
"
"the australian sheepdog, by golly,
is a breed that's not given to folly.
he's known as a kelpie;
you want him to help, he
will do it; he's part working collie.
"
"look again, and you might doubt your eyes:
it's the cuttlefish, cloaked in disguise!
what's its trick?  there, within
its remarkable skin
are chromatophores, changing in size.
"
"there's a chophouse in philly that's known
for its porterhouse steak on the bone.
i would crawl from new york
with a knife and a fork
for one morsel (and i'm not alone).
"
"when a pipe is too big for your tool,
use a chain wrench, you miserable fool!
its chain wraps up, gripping
the pipe without slipping.
it's adjustable, too, as a rule.
"
"when i hear a strange noise in my house,
i'll oft say, as burns said (to a mouse),
""thou need no start to brattle?
i've no murd'ring pattle!""
then, embarrassed, find out it's my spouse.
"
"in the throes of an asthma attack,
when o2 is the thing that you lack,
with no bronchodilator,
it's ""dude, see you later!""
or not?you might not make it back.
"
"i would write it in letters so bold,
in an ink made with pure, powdered gold.
and my message is this:
i'm in love with you, chris?
my chrysography's yours to behold.
"
"seeds for tanning and dyeing, well known
for astringent-like properties shown,
are algarrobillas,
or algarovillas.
on leguminous trees they are grown.
"
"carousing, a young college grad
got cuffed for a bar fight he had.
he was yanked from the alehouse
to a tank in the jailhouse,
and his call from a cell phone roused dad.
"
"the ribbon-like bandfish will draw some
attention in seabeds.  i saw some.
they're big-eyed and thin,
with a long dorsal fin.
(the band phish, say my nephews, is awesome.)
"
"a bigamist keeps on the run,
plays it safe and calls both spouses ""hon.""
so his double life thrives,
he makes love with two wives,
but he files joint returns with just one.
"
"for some bluegrass i went to kentucky.
liked the grass, liked the music that's plucky.
fed some grass to a cow.
she mood indigo. now,
if you all like my pun, i'll be lucky.
"
"when you lower your sail to surrender,
you amain, yield your ship, don't defend 'er.
when amain (at full speed),
you're in trouble indeed,
if three sheets to the wind on a bender.
"
"the eggs of the botfly are bots.
parasitic, they're laid in prime spots
in humans, sheep, cattle
and horses.  bet that'll
mean horses end up with the trots.
"
"boilermakers, the ones i mean here,
make new boilers and keep them in gear.
the ones that i drink, though,
just mean i'll be stinko
from whiskey chased down with a beer.
"
"at the shore there are beachgoers who
shell out more for a beachfront, it's true.
while at beachside, some waive
prime location to save.
seems they all have their own point of view.
"
"admonitions (mild cautions) are nice,
friendly warnings that urge thinking twice.
but a wrist can be slapped
or some knuckles get rapped
when a gentle reproof won't suffice.
"
"to describe a description of grasses,
in a word, agrostography passes.
it's a total array,
say, of pasture, lawn, hay,
since it covers the ground in all classes.
"
"thought apollo, acantha he'd win,
but the nymph, fighting back, scratched his skin.
her greek name was born
from akantha, a thorn.
now acantha's a spine or sharp fin.
"
"i checked what additament meant,
but found no additaments lent.
though for more i was wishin',
""something added; addition""
was as far as additament went.
"
"if you travel the globe, you'll be seein'
plant and animal types amphigean.
they can thrive in a spot
whether frigid or hot,
any zone that you'd be on a spree in.
"
"a sexy young man, amatorious,
for his silent romance was notorious.
he'd bill, but not coo,
having taken the view
amatorial talk was laborious.
"
"when a guy who's so shy or aloof he
keeps views to himself, it is proof he
avoids all debates,
and to argufy, hates.
seems to me, those who like to ""ar gufy.""
"
"a fawning, obsequious guy
who's polishing apples can't buy
that place in a heart
which sets one apart
as the apple of somebody's eye.
"
"when a person's asocial, you'll find
that he's selfish, withdrawn, and unkind.
antisocial ones act
far more hostile; in fact,
to despise you they might be inclined.
"
"a modern-day little miss muffet,
who made her own whey and could tough it,
had no fear at all
of bugs, big or small.
if she spied an arachnid, she'd snuff it.
"
"not adept at creating a pie?
to be expert, change  short'ning and try
some adeps and for sure,
with this hog fat that's pure,
you'll be praising the lard by and by.
"
"an appellant is one who does plea;
begs the court of appeals to agree
that the lower court erred.
wants reversal declared.
the opposing one's called appellee.
"
"with affile's definition i grapple.
it's not clear, so i fear that some chap'll
say i need to explain;
does ""to polish"" pertain
to a gem, wood, nails, shoes, or an apple?
"
"from american tropical trees
comes a cashew, a nut that one sees
as a kidney-shaped treat
that needs roasting to eat.
(when it comes from your nose, it's a sneeze.)
"
"in my pantry i'll show you a mix
of the food in sealed jars that i fix.
then i'll do a french dance
and show you my pants.
i can can and i cancan for kicks.
"
"amaxophobia's fear that is sparked
in a vehicle, moving or parked.
i once fought this neurosis
with autohypnosis,
took a test drive, but soon disembarked.
"
"this assay and assayer five-liner
uses try as the former's definer.
what assayers are for?
well, they analyze ore.
you can ask any old forty-niner.
"
"in court, pled an aider/abettor,
""i admit that i helped that go-getter,
but no bets were made.
i was merely an aide,
so i only broke half the law's letter.""
"
"special growth cells give acrogens punch,
though these plants are a flowerless bunch.
ferns and mosses we see
and some liverworts.  gee,
that reminds me it's time for my lunch.
"
"sharing blade roast along with a chat,
they chewed gristle as well as the fat.
their strong points of view,
and the cut of meat, too,
came straight from the shoulder, just that.
"
"in the barracks, a bed check will mean
that each soldier had better be seen
in his bunk for the night,
or it's likely he might
be recruited to clean the latrine.
"
"she had argued with jason before.
he's a stupid and ignorant bore.
when he went off ""to study,""
she remarked, ""that's fine, buddy;
i'd be happy to see you know more.""
"
"the town's new plastic surgeon's a cad!
his behavior is ever so bad!
he feels, and he brags,
he can fix all that sags,
and he's raised a few eyebrows a tad.
"
"""hey, waiter! come here just a mo!
this coffee is awful, you know?
it tastes just like mud!""
said he, ""figures, bud;
it was ground just ten minutes ago.""
"
"a good breakfast is really a treat,
and there's one that i sure love to eat.
it is easy to fix,
and there's nothing to mix:
a boiled egg is a hard thing to beat!
"
"i've had so many birthdays, and wow!
i'm an octogenarian now,
feeling like a young swain
whose mind is quite sane,
but whose body's gone crazy somehow.
"
"even children will know abcs.
to be smarter, learn much more than these.
if for college you're bound,
the way that i've found
to get smarter is just by degrees.
"
"kids are great, and of course we adore 'em.
still, frugality lectures will bore 'em.
you may think this sounds funny,
but kids need loose money,
so we make some allowances for 'em.
"
"using web log, i'd say, is pass?.
it's replaced by just one word today.
we condensed it to 'blog,
and then went the whole hog:
the apostrophe's faded away.
"
"a strip joint that's very genteel
has a dome with a bell that is real.
to explain the design,
there's a prominent sign
on the door that says: ""here the belles peel.""
"
"a performer, both mute and white faced,
was bit by a dog he'd debased.
the pooch gagged at the time,
realizing ""a mime
is a terrible thing (ugh!) to taste.""
"
"something filled to the brim has a link
to a hat with a brim, i would think.
i say this because
we often find straws
in a brimmer we wear or we drink.
"
"the breadwinners, ones who provide
for the needs of their families, take pride
that the livin' they're makin'
will bring home the bacon.
on the weekend, some loaf or get fried.
"
"if cassava bread, deep-fried, you're makin'
with some fish, for a dish that's jamaican,
then bammy's the word.
on the street when it's heard,
marijuana's the meaning that's taken.
"
"abubble's enthused; bright's aglow.
abuzz is excitedly so.
agog, interest grows,
abounds, overflows.
if adoze, off to sleep one did go.
"
"with athlete's foot athletes cry, ""foul.""
the pain and the itch make them scowl.
'tween their toes, ringworm grows.
are we led to suppose
that spacemen get missiletoe? [growl]
"
"as the offerings made to a priest
to say mass for a person deceased
or preside at a rite,
this altarage might
help investments in vestments, at least.
"
"in on bee-tl-ing meanings i'm zooming:
walking awkwardly; flattening; looming;
thick brows hanging low;
and pounding, i know;
then there's beet-ling, ""small beet"", i'm assuming.
"
"an acarpelous seed-plant in sod
has no carpels (that's pistils) to prod.
with female parts lacking,
will stamens start packing?
or do males share a bachelor pod?
"
"affriended, made friends, like befriended,
has meaning which can be amended,
as when friends had a spat
and made up after that.
they affriended; their friendship was mended.
"
"thanksgiving delights all aggrate,
with blessings and food on each plate.
so to each i will say,
have a wonderful day.
i hope that your turkey's first-rate!
"
"the lone ranger leapt onto his steed,
galloped off at a near breakneck speed.
i could just hear him say,
""hi-yo silver! away!""
he's the last of a vanishing breed.
"
"a brotherhood might be a clan
or some workers united in plan.
but such unions are small;
if i use it at all,
it's the brotherhood, simply, of man.
"
"i've confirmed, now, the worst of my fears,
and my heart is now drowning in tears.
i'm in love?all too soon,
for her home's brigadoon:
our next date's not for one hundred years!
"
"the benevolent league of tooth fairies
finds the mood of its membership varies
when it comes to a vote,
yea or nay, to promote
or to actively fight active caries.
"
"finding shells of the brachiopod
on the top of a mountain seems odd.
such a fossil find shows
that the ocean floor rose;
plate tectonics, they say, gets the nod.
"
"a shapely young felon named grace
had a shirt made of fine brussels lace;
you could see her right through it!
so why did she do it?
no witness remembered her face!
"
"there are practices?quite a high stack?
all defined by the proof that they lack;
these alternative health
methods sure gather wealth?
but when challenged, they duck like a quack!
"
"""big louie"", for giggles and chuckles,
has a trick that he does with brass knuckles:
just a thump on your skull
and your senses go dull,
as first one, then the other knee buckles.
"
"can't believe what i'm hearing and seeing;
all around me, my neighbors are fleeing!
local troops are deployed,
and the town's been destroyed
by some horrible alien being.
"
"the moors, with their fetid miasma,
play havoc with bronchial asthma.
i'll acknowledge defeat:
if i want to see peat,
i'll watch films on my 50-inch plasma.
"
"this marine accommodation is for
(to the former, add ladder) when you're
ascending a boat
from another afloat
or descending to one while offshore.
"
"to give chawdron a meaning that's clear,
it merely takes ""entrails"", i hear.
adding details as shown
on ""entrails"" alone
takes guts and intestines, i fear.
"
"two keyboards are often at hand
on the clavecin (harpsichord) and
seven pedals add tone
for a sound all its own,
though in shape it resembles a grand.
"
"bemywe betn qmxh sph tbn vosptpw sllosx
tp beo imxv mi s fmho, hm pmb iosx.
qeop okytlloh qtbe beo fryo
besb s ""y"" okysrn ""u"",
jmy'rr hoftleox beo fxjlbmwxsv eoxo.	
"
"under shells of a turtle is where
you'll find gel-like and delicate fare.
above, see a cache
of dull-green calipash
and below, yellow calipee's there.
"
"the apiculus (point) on his leaf
caused a prick, giving adam much grief.
eve relieved him of gloom
with the fruit of her loom:
an original, soft cotton brief.
"
"when caper shows noitie behind,
it's scottish for ""head"" or ""the mind.""
when caper is read
with noited instead,
it's ""muddle"" 'n' ""headed"" combined.
"
"competing in folk dance and limbo,
a gigolo elbowed his bimbo,
""the jig's up; so don't wilt,
like me in my kilt.
get those hands on your hips, arms akimbo.""
"
"if hamlet went out with no shirt
and suffered a sunburn that hurt,
would he soak in the tub,
and cry, ""ay, where's the rub?
prithee, fetch me some aloe cream, gert""?
"
"as she was transcribing one day,
an amanuensis did say,
""i need a vacation
from taking dictation,
but since we're shorthanded, i'll stay.""
"
"whether serving to part or unite,
rive or bind, disengage or hold tight,
forsake or be near to,
detach or adhere to,
the quirky verb cleave does it right.
"
"an allograph's meanings are three:
my name signed by other than me;
letters (one or more) found
as expre""ss""ing one ""s""ound;
and each shape that a letter can be.
"
"a backgammon player, not nice,
was loaded and so were his dice.
he threw acey-deucey,
a one and a two, see,
for the chance in his cups to roll twice.
"
"alabastra most commonly speaks
of tall jars filled by romans and greeks
with perfume and oil,
which maybe would spoil
if a full alabastrum had leaks.
"
"with branches that swing in the breeze
and valuable wood that will please,
it might overwhelm
the poor cedar elm
living up to the name of two trees.
"
"webster's third international's version
of my word makes it worth an excursion.
apadana would be
the great hall that you'd see
in palaces, ancient and persian.
"
"when calandrias do imitations,
they're mocking their feathered relations.
south american-bred
and black-headed, they're said
to be cage birds with cheep reputations.
"
"""angiotensin converting enzyme""
makes our editor's blood pressure climb.
ace inhibitors lessen
the level of stress in
his arteries (not in my rhyme).
"
"a breeding ground might be about
some condition or thing which, no doubt,
can propagate there?
so it's basically where
lots of animals go to make out.
"
"at this lively and loud celebration?
a social affair that is haitian
and called a bamboche?
i imagine it's gauche
not to sing and to dance with elation.
"
"there's a bottomer down in the hole
who will send up the cars filled with coal.
the same title one rates,
who nails bottoms on crates,
or who readies a shoe for a sole.
"
"does argol mean more, you may ask,
than tartar that forms on a cask?
it's grape juice deposits
and camels', too, 'cause it's
dried dung used for fuel. (end of task.)
"
"common wine sold in gallons won't last,
might turn sour, a vinegar blast.
i'd whine in defeat if i
let mine acetify,
so i drink up each bottle real fast.
"
"blistered skin often oozes and drips,
as with rashes, bad burns or sore lips.
blistered paint starts to peel,
and you're likely to reel
when you're blistered by insults or whips.
"
"with atabals (kettledrums) sounding,
the moors were invading, surrounding
and perhaps thanking heaven
for seven eleven,
the year they gave spain a good pounding.
"
"blite's an herb; blight is ruin, disease;
blighty's ""home"" to brit troops overseas;
there are blighters (guys; lugs);
seems a blightbird eats bugs;
and when blithe, one feels light as a breeze.
"
"the circus is coming to town!
an auguste will be there, a clown.
his slapstick amuses;
white makeup he uses
to paint on a smile, not a frown.
"
"though it seems a batologist might
study mammals that fly in the night,
prickly shrubs are his focus,
those brambles that poke us.
being stuck in the job is his plight.
"
"the word calender, when it is seen,
should refer to a pressing machine
with rollers and plates,
not a listing of dates.
now why can't we spell what we meen?
"
"teenage acne left scars on louise,
who popped pimples throughout her disease.
at her boyfriend's persuasion,
she tried dermabrasion.
the surgeon is now her main squeeze.
"
"when apocryphal?'s heard, then i know
not to trust what is likely not so.
all my doubts disappear
whenever i hear
apocryphal of miracles, though.
"
"to shoe as old romans would shoe,
wear a calceus (calcei, two).
in rome when they wore 'em,
at home or the forum,
an ankle-length leather would do.
"
"albugo's plant fungi, white rust.
a silvery bonefish discussed
is the albula kind.
on albuca plants find
yellow flowers in clusters robust.
"
"my witness protection is slack.
self-assurance and patience i lack.
it all goes to show
i am likely to blow
my cover, my cool or my stack.
"
"to take messages, summon or page
in hotels, on a train or on stage,
a callboy's enough.
for massages and stuff,
a call girl is the one to engage.
"
"aldrovanda is plant life?aquatic,
free-floating, and yet systematic.
insectivorous traits
mean the food it awaits
makes the bug life in bogs quite traumatic.
"
"to define certain plants truly humbles
one like me, who with ammi now fumbles.
it takes prose to expound
on this herb genus found
with pinnatifid leaves, compound umbels.
"
"use your index to point, thumb to twiddle.
use your pinkie to pluck on a fiddle.
use your ring one to marry
(it's named annulary).
use discretion when using your middle.
"
"an ashtray holds ashes, no doubt,
and cigarettes, lit or put out.
so it drives smokers nuts,
no ifs, ands or butts,
when there isn't one lying about.
"
"blame a bruise for this discoloration,
black-and-blue mark, the skin's indication
that blood vessels burst.
what causes the worst
red, white, black and blue? flagellation.
"
"inventing the first coal-tar dye
made madder root worthless to buy.
two german carls said,
""make alizarin red
from anthracene treated with lye.""
"
"there once was a saucy young wench,
who spoke in canadian french.
from moncton to qu?bec,
she left men in a wreck,
giving hearts (and more parts) quite a wrench.
"
"i'm stuck in a hot airless room,
with no oxygen left to consume.
someone open a door!
or i'll faint to the floor ?
while powerpoint charts doom and gloom.
"
"""shall i slice some ananas for jell-o?""
said the underly helpful young fellow.
""it's yellow and sweet,
thought by some quite a treat...""
""but the acid stops gelling!"" i bellow.
"
"the dj played great acid house
so that i, once as shy as a mouse,
rocked to deep pounding bass
as i danced 'round the place,
and i slowly unbuttoned my blouse.
"
"let me in!  let me out!  let me in!
let me in!  let me out!  let me in!
i need food!  where's my food?
please please please give me food!
let me in!  let me out!  let me in!
"
"a bikeway was built in my town
to help folks on two wheels get aroun'.
riding bikes on the roads
just increases their loads,
risking cars mowing bicyclists down.
"
"i thought that my boyfriend was swell,
'til the day when he started to yell.
i noted my error;
departing in terror,
i flew like a bat out of hell.
"
"while blackening snapper for lunch,
i wanted to kick up the punch
with chilies and spice...
but i added them twice!
tongues will scrunch when we munch, i've a hunch.
"
"giving birth is one hell of a chore,
producing a fair bit of gore.
though mom's birth pangs were strong,
and her screaming was long,
now she's fine ? but poor dad's on the floor.
"
"suzie's doc, whether treating a sneeze
or a serious kidney disease,
as a good chiropractor,
for treatment, just cracked her,
then charged her exorbitant fees.
"
"new-age mystics are making us slaves
to our eeg readings, the knaves!
it's not hocus-pocus
but mere lack of focus
that seems to produce alpha waves.
"
"among elk, chronic wasting disease
will progress over time, by degrees.
as the prions put strain
on the nerves of the brain
it can bring a whole herd to its knees.
"
"the acerate leaf is the needle
of a pine?which if hit with some speed'll
go right through your skin.
if that won't shake your grin,
then perhaps the amount that you bleed'll.
"
"there's the median, mode, and the mean;
sometimes average or center are seen.
but it's not such a riddle?
not the ends, but the middle?
central tendency shows what's between.
"
"in a memory firm and unfaded,
i remember bo derek's hair, braided
into cornrows, so tight.
didn't like it?  you might
be upbraided for being so jaded.
"
"it takes more than a simple disguise
when you're hiding from predators' eyes,
so some cephalopods
try improving their odds;
they change hues: they chameleonize.
"
"anamorphic art's meant to be viewed
from an angle, not straight-on, but skewed.
seen on edge, what's contorted
appears undistorted;
seen straight, it's an acid trip, dude.
"
"don't worry?relax?don't be scared.
first, a rhyme (call it a) fits line one;
it's all right if you feel unprepared.
then line two (also a) has its fun.
things are different this time;
a new rhyme for line three
for convenience, this rhyme
and line four (call it b);
has been captioned, for limerick-impaired.
back to a for line five, and we're done. 
"
"the lace that they make in chantilly
won't keep you from getting too chilly.
but with ponytail, lace
and so pretty a face,
the big bopper won't let you freeze, will he?
"
"the party came off with no hitch;
each lady had found her own niche.
they sat and they sewed;
the gossip stream flowed ?
a typical day's ""stitch and bitch"".
"
"charles addams, a sketcher of fame,
penned morbid cartoons to acclaim.
the family he drew
made their tv debut
in the series that carries his name.
"
"the first antidetonant, lead,
did horrible things as it spread
from our cars to our plains,
into little kids' brains.
now we use safer octanes instead.
"
"phenazopyridine, druggists will know,
has the brand name of azo, and though
it turns pee orange-red
(don't you dare wet your bed!),
it relieves all that pain as you go.
"
"the trader-man set off with beads
and trinkets, plus spices and seeds.
adding needles and wool,
his pack was quite full,
but, sadly, not wanted in leeds.
"
"i know an anorchous young dancer,
a lucky survivor of cancer.
without balls can he still
give the ladies a thrill?
i kissed him to find out the answer!
"
"i have an aliyah today,
quite an honor from those where i pray.
up to torah i'm called
to chant blessings, enthralled
by the biblical words that we say.
"
"the columbia shuttle was doomed ?
through ablation its tiles were consumed.
one small crack caused by foam,
and it never came home.
through that entry point, fatal fire bloomed.
"
"talmudists would wax analytical,
o'er points both minute and quite critical.
they argued and fought,
and they learned as they taught,
in aramaic, a language semitical.
"
"i'm ascending a gentle volcano;
the climb's not the cause of my strain. no,
this lava is stressed,
pretty jagged at best.
cut my feet on sharp aa ? the pain, oh!
"
"a psychiatrist told me he knows
why i  tend to  write poems?not prose.
""you're dyslexic: i've heard
that, so often, a word
is 'inverse' that you use to compose.""
"
"as a kid, i was wild and a clown.
as a teen, i would dash about town.
now adult, i shall go
very cautious and slow.
goes to prove: what grows up must calm down.
"
"he made counterfeit bills, tony wade,
but was lax in the family trade.
he was cautious, that lad!
did you know that he had
the first dollar his dad ever made?
"
"when billy had clothes to dry clean,
he decided to use gasoline.
he spilled a small batch,
and then lighted a match.
since that time, billy hasn't  benzine.
"
"oh, what is a chortle?  a word
invented by carroll, i've heard.
it's delight cut by half,
a brief chuckle and laugh.
as a word, it is rather absurd.
"
"""let's campaign,"" said our senator spence,
""where the state's population's quite dense.
it is there we will find
those of gullible mind,
the dumb voters without any sense.""
"
"a nuclear chemist named ray
changed his job; he's a deejay today.
and what's even stranger,
he's not in less danger;
he's radioactive each way.
"
"birthday candles on cake?  she's too vain.
""they'll make light of my age,"" she'll complain.
she is hoity, it's true.
she will say this to you:
""i will never see toity again.""
"
"an old dragon avoids all hard fights
with certain devotional rites.
weekends start with a fun day;
next, church every sunday;
then he preys  on most all the weak knights.
"
"i've traveled both hither and yonder,
and tasted fine liquor.  i ponder
about one that i've found
with whose spell i am bound:
because absinthe makes hearts grow much fonder.
"
"calcutta's atrocious black hole
held horrors to harden the soul.
dozens died in that cell,
in that dark airless hell...
but the tale told inflated the toll.
"
"a great sale? hurry up, let's not tarry!
(though the neighborhood makes me quite wary.)
all this stuff is so cheap,
on the bargains we'll leap...
but beware if it's just cash and carry!
"
"in the jungle, plants brandish their spines
as they climb where the sun always shines.
arrhizal, they're free
to be lords of the tree:
the ferocious, rapacious, crown vines!
"
"benchmarking software's my task;
i work in qa and folks ask:
if test case succeeds
then measure the speeds
else document bugs to unmask
"
"i heard, to my utter dismay,
a good friend's in the burn ward today.
once they help him to heal,
his burned scalp he'll conceal
with a classy and stylish toupee.
"
"the printers who thriftily choose
an appropriate print-stock don't use
choicest thin bible paper
for a book 'bout a caper,
or parchment for publishing news.
"
"my house's assessed valuation
has increased beyond all expectation.
please sign on this line,
so my taxes decline...
failing that, can you give a donation?
"
"the house miss jane addams had founded,
by slums altogether surrounded,
brought hope to the poor,
helped their lives to mean more,
and the rest of the world was astounded.
"
"your biodegradable cache
should never be dumped in the trash.
make compost to feed
that garden you weed.
you'll get great potatoes to mash.
"
"this music's got such a great beat
that i just can't stop tapping my feet.
at each thump of the drum
my right foot must succumb;
i should move to the passenger seat.
"
"asian pears are so tasty a treat.
they are crispy and crunchy and sweet.
i am eating one now;
it's so juicy (and how!)
that it's dripped from my chin to my feet.
"
"mom handed me needle and thread
for hemming (a chore that i dread).
overcome with emotion,
i hit on the notion
of bias tape edging instead.
"
"the arpanet hooked up computers
for soldiers, with nerds as their tutors.
the internet grew
from this basic debut,
'til at present it's used to find suitors.
"
"the plane that delivered the a-
bomb, enola ""b-29"" gay,
was a partner in crime
for that fateful first time
when so many were killed in that way.
"
"poor antediluvial man
didn't know, when the flood rains began,
god's plan that gray day:
wash the wicked away,
saving noah, his ark, and his clan.
"
"i've cancelled my trip to monrovia.
so crippled by agoraphobia,
i stay home and i pout,
far too scared to go out ?
i'd rather cut off my earlobe-ia!
"
"there once was an acid-head, joe,
who dropped ""sunshine"" each time he had dough.
he spent his days tripping
(real life he was skipping),
but now off on flashbacks he'll go.
"
"when i took a few ap exams,
i studied old history scams;
learned a new music chord;
but in physics i scored:
college credit for knowing 'bout grams!
"
"act up often means ""misbehave"",
but sometimes it's certainly brave
just to shout and to rant
when far calmer words can't
make a dent in the hiv wave.
"
"many a young lad and maiden,
when hiking,  gives thanks to lord baden-
powell, who imparted,
through the movement he started,
the virtues of packs fully laden.
"
"a monk who was practicing zen
induced trance as do most western men:
he sat on the tile
with his legs lotus-style,
channel surfing from sunrise to ten.
"
"to my husband i said, and i quote:
""for christmas i'd like a new coat.""
being rural, he thought
that i'd like what he bought;
now he lives in the cote with a goat.
"
"for chicken kiev that's divine,
take a breast and then pound it 'til fine.
roll with butter, then bake,
and that's how you make ?
no, a chicken breast, moron, not mine!
"
"when at parties, i've seen the elite
use the champagne-from-slipper conceit.
but when drinking my brut
from a stemmed, tapered flute,
then i'm certain it won't taste of feet.
"
"a visiting rebel went dotty
eating flatbread in east guwahati.
it became his obsession,
so he changed his expression,
from ""zapata"" to ""viva chapati!""
"
"when chaucer's big party was near,
his larder was empty, i fear.
he decided to cook
that dead cock from his book,
and his guests dined on roast chanticleer.
"
"the big apple is famous for chicks
who dance in a line and do kicks.
though it seems overrated,
expensive and dated,
a chorus line brings in the hicks.
"
"he looked in the mirror and vowed,
""self-loathing will not be allowed:
no more scarves or fake beard;
i'm no longer afeared.
i'm chinless! i'm chinless and proud!""
"
"when i'm dining in far eastern lands,
the utensils don't meet my demands.
if chopsticks you proffer,
i'll turn down your offer:
""no thank you, i'll eat with my hands.""
"
"i'm told (though it sounds rather hokey)
that americans call it the pokey,
or slammer, or brig,
but who gives a fig?
being english, i'm locked in the chokey.
"
"i fear the next run on my bank,
when a rumor's passed 'round by a crank:
""the dough's running low,
gotta grab it and go!""
in the panic my fortunes would tank.
"
"attributional errors abound.
fundamentally, we're all surround-
ed by people who choose
to be singing the blues.
they're shallow, while we are profound.
"
"grinding indian chickpeas for flour
yielded besan ? the chore took an hour!
when you batter your yam,
add some nice nutty gram
for its flavor and thickening power.
"
"an idea once dismissed as mythology
is the basis of astrolithology.
now it's hard to deny:
rocks that fall from the sky
can explain puzzling bits of geology.
"
"i need light!  just a few more cds ?
half my candles went out in the breeze.
when i started to dine,
they were shining just fine...
now i can't tell the meat from the peas.
"
"we've argued and shouted all night.
let's try a new way not to fight:
keep our listening active,
respond with attractive
rephrasing to help set things right.
"
"i wanted to buy blue-chip stocks,
get my pension plans off of the rocks.
so i bought some ge
with my last client's fee
and the cash i had stashed in my socks.
"
"these fossils, in organized layers,
can help to calm down the nay-sayers.
with rocks biostrat-
igraphically flat
it's easy to sort out the players.
"
"my garden can tend to be soggy;
after rain it's distinctively boggy.
as i squelch in the mud,
and i swear at the flood,
at least someone is happy ? my froggie.
"
"my best friend is a laptop that docks,
nicely handles life's shocks and hard knocks.
it runs unix and dos,
and its lid grows no moss.
boot it up and my box really rocks.
"
"my three-year-old daughter is bossy;
she's often as rude as she's saucy.
so when the kids dance,
she watches them prance,
critiquing them just like bob fosse.
"
"with her bloodstains on hands and on soul,
this macbeth is not mentally whole.
though the lady shouts ""out!""
the damned spot is too stout.
ere too long she will pay evil's toll.
"
"since the angioid highways have spread
in a network to 'burbs where folks fled,
we return to our chores
in the cities' dense cores
through clogged arteries, much to our dread.
"
"that fine day was so pleasant and sunny,
as i walked, that last time, with my honey.
we watched rabbits bounce,
not expecting the pounce ?
she was slain by the dread vorpal bunny.
"
"the arava desert's a sliver
of land where you won't ever shiver ?
from the sea that is dead
to the shores of the red,
a stark beauty that leaves me aquiver.
"
"once i put three dry leaves in my stew,
to let bay's pungent flavor shine through.
but when it was cooked,
though i looked and i looked,
i could only remove the first two.
"
"rheumatic disease (abarticular)
is bad for your health, in particular.
more than knees, more than heart,
it affects every part
from the cranial to the testicular.
"
"my dear son is the apple of my eye.
my opinion of him is sky-high.
but now in his teens,
he wears ripped baggy jeans,
and his hair colors just make me sigh.
"
"when i see vile expellings best-selling,
i oft find my bile is upwelling.
to anger i'm apt,
my patience has snap't.
they even have mangled their spelling!
"
"curving's convenient for vines
as they twist in the midst of the pines.
other plants, such as cress,
only bend in distress.
autotropic, they grow in straight lines.
"
"when arrested, he'd said ""wasn't me!""
but at trial, the perp copped a plea:
being faced with the nick,
he had changed his mind quick,
said ""i dunnit"", and soon was set free.
"
"i saw a new book, thought i'd buy it:
the nothing-but-corn-gluten diet.
sure, i'm sort of forlorn
eating protein from corn,
but i'm skinny, so shut up and try it.
"
"while strolling in boots of a hessian
i was nicked for indecent expression.
although i confess
that was all of my dress,
i'll fight 'til i reach court of session.
"
"attila was heard to say ""darn""
when defeated at ch?lons-sur-marne
(now ch?lons-en-champagne);
his failed french campagne
is noted for just that one yarn.
"
"yucatecans should shun chicken pizza.
the stuff is so foul it secretes a
weird odor. it's stale!
i swear it must hail
from the ruins of old chichen itza.
"
"a doctor once found a new way
to tout his religion all day:
he told all his clients,
""believe christian science.
the rx is simple ? just pray!""
"
"a chorus line caused a m?l?e
when a chorine went pantsless one day.
as her kicks were explicit,
the boss didn't miss it:
""promote her and double her pay!""
"
"if reading has started to weary ya
and you'd like to read lit from nigeria,
you'd do well to start
with things fall apart.
achebe should fit your criteria.
"
"to look hot at the hipster soir?e,
i wanted a look with cachet,
but the platforms i wore
made me clomp on the floor
when i tried for a sexy sashay.
"
"you're scared of costectomies, madam?
well, stop! lots of people have had 'em.
even cows, in a way,
give their ribs every day,
and the first willing patient was adam.
"
"my friend bought a dress on a trip
that's styled like a coat?it's so hip!
when the host at chez haute
said ""may i take your coat?""
she ker-thwacked the poor sap in the lip.
"
"how the top of the copy desk swelled
in the past from the stories it held.
now the work to be seen
just appears on a screen
and a spellchecker says what's misspelled.
"
"when the nightclub had protesters boo,
said the boss: ""backwards records are through.""
but one dj yelled ""fight!"",
spun them backwards all night,
in a counterrevolutionary coup.
"
"there are fads i won't wish for again:
for example, bo derek in 10
prompted girls everywhere
to go cornrow their hair
and have torrid affairs with short men.
"
"my cooking's so bad, people run.
but this cook-off was different: i won!
how'd my undercooked fish
beat a fine gourmet dish?
very simple: i showed them my gun.
"
"correctness means much in society.
for example, in church, aim for piety:
no belching, no cheers,
no chugging of beers
(i suppose i could start with sobriety).
"
"though no braggart, i feel i must say
of my verse: it grows better each day.
it's not chance; it's not skill;
it's because of my drill
twelve times daily, per ?mile cou? .
"
"our exchange student, al, was islamic,
so the teacher warned vern, ""don't be comic.
he's a guest here, behave.""
so the wedgie vern gave
was the regular kind, not atomic.
"
"""could you fetch me my wallet, my dear?
it's on top of the old chiffonier.""
he said, ""whadjacallit?
'cause i see your wallet
on that cabinet thingie right here.""
"
"as a counterfeiter, reginald stank.
all the backs of his bills were just blank.
but forget the reverse;
the front sides were worse:
beneath president grant they said ""grank"".
"
"i once took a trip to calcutta,
where folks cook with ghee 'stead of butter.
they speak in bengali;
it's all rather jolly,
except for the poor in the gutter.
"
"the new butene (amino) drugs lack
the stigma of morphine or smack.
they conquer the pain
without bringing the bane
of addiction that opiates pack.
"
"the lone beachcomber walked 'long the shore.
he'd been hunting for treasures galore:
no driftwood, no shells...
but the sights! and the smells!
homeward bound, just the memories he bore.
"
"i've got some black olives i'm chopping;
i found quite a bargain when shopping.
shall i make pasta sauce,
or a greek salad toss,
or have ""black rubber tire"" pizza topping?
"
"the beatific and saintly old monk
was clearing his altar of junk.
there was wine in the cup;
life-long morals slipped up,
and he soon was as drunk as a skunk.
"
"poor critter: he'd not seen it coming,
as he happily hopped along humming.
a truck on the road
blindsided the toad,
exposing some squishy red plumbing.
"
"while a nice aubergine's roasting through,
chop garlic, perhaps scallions too.
then mash them up nice,
with olive oil, spice,
and tehina. serve pita with goo.
"
"fans of antipsychiatry still
would believe the ""insane"" are not ill ?
but the world doesn't pause
to determine the cause
when it's easy to just give a pill.
"
"mix ketchup and coke in a cup;
let chicken or ribs soak it up.
this cheap barbecue sauce
makes the food purists cross,
but it's yummy ? come over and sup!
"
"my flowers must always smell sweet:
lovely scents for my garden retreat.
i have no pressing wish
to sniff aminoid fish,
or worst of all: indole ? dead meat!
"
"when my art school said they would endow
""pas de deux with a chicken and cow"",
i made quite a display
using classical ballet:
it sounds weird, but my grant's thirty thou.
"
"of my close-cropped new cut, folks said ""nice.""
then they asked ""why so short? was it lice?""
""it's my boyfriend, you see,
he dislikes it on me:
it's a cheap contraceptive device!""
"
"my new botanist beau worked out fine,
till i needed to open some wine.
""pass the corkscrew"", i said,
but he didn't. instead
i was given some flowering vine.
"
"the old lady had hair that was white,
and she wore it in curls that were tight.
it looked cloudlike to me?
even more so when she
wore that hat that resembled a kite.
"
"conan doyle was distinctly well-schooled,
and to mystery fans, well, he ruled.
but there's one blot he carries:
it's the cottingley fairies.
how'd a man like sir arthur get fooled?
"
"my promotion was proving a test:
the workload was leaving me stressed.
so i slacked and just floated
till getting demoted.
it's a comedown, but now i can rest.
"
"at the office, a young cpa
came costumed as lady jane grey.
""afternoon, mr lee.""
""how'd you know it was me?""
""um... you wear that same dress every day.""
"
"the verdict of old dr. titus
was a bad case of costochondritis.
""yippee!"" i exclaimed,
""what's a rib that's inflamed,
when compared to my gout and gastritis?""
"
"if your yard sale turned out to be bunk,
then the next time consign all your junk.
just give it a drop
at a reselling shop;
they'll make money, then give you a chunk.
"
"these old sixties comix you've found ?
don't read them when mom is around.
they're drug-filled and crude,
and subversive and lewd
which is why they were sold underground.
"
"""so we need a new gimmick, armand:
one to make our investors respond.""
as a highly trained actor,
he showed the x-factor:
""my name's bond,"" he said. ""corporate bond.""
"
"stuff your pie hole without inhibition:
pretzels, doughnuts, whatever they're dishin'.
but although they might fill you,
empty calories kill you
(or at least they're devoid of nutrition).
"
"when a man cursed his wife with a stinger,
and the gal volleyed back with a zinger,
she'd be dragged through the street
on the ducking stool's seat
(though today, she'd be featured on springer).
"
"richard mansfield once packed the lyceum,
and to folks who were lucky to see 'im
his acting was thought
so believably wrought
they were sure jack the ripper must be 'im.
"
"see this vase? it's antique: elizabethan.
an investment, it's prime for bequeathin'.
it's 400 years old,
and it's inlaid with gold.
(grandma bought it to keep her false teeth in.)
"
"in my twenties, a tank top looked fab
with whichever ol' shorts i might grab.
now my arm-flesh looks better
in a dolman-sleeved sweater.
(extra fabric conceals all the flab.)
"
"like, with shoes, i am crazy perfectional,
but this pair seems all skewed and deflectional;
one is low, one is high...
they're on sale now? oh my!
then who cares if the pumps are correctional!
"
"frederick abberline chased jack the ripper,
but the fiend proved to be quite the slipper.
over forty and fat,
but you wouldn't know that ?
johnny depp's chief inspector looked hipper.
"
"as a clown, costard often amuses,
but in love's labour's lost when he uses
""honorificabilitud-
initatibus,"" will a dude,
upon hearing it, think the fool boozes?
"
"the columbiformes' luck is a joke.
they're the pigeons that people provoke,
or the sandgrouse that fry
in the deserts so dry,
or the dodos, who jointly went croak.
"
"back in college, the stern ms. mccurdy
used to label my work as ""too wordy.""
all the time on my ass
in that newspaper class,
she's the reason i still end with
         -30-
"
"""oh waitress, please take back this wine.
it is corked, and it smells like a swine.""
so i said: ""oh it does?
well that's funny, because
your first several glasses were fine.""
"
"since his weight gain, my husband-to-be
is quite often mistaken for me.
but it's most inexcusable
that we're so confusable:
i'm a b-cup, and his? double d.
"
"all the gals at the country club sneer
when they see their poor waitress appear.
they're so cliquish and clubbish
and treat her like rubbish,
which is why she just spat in their beer.
"
"i awoke from a seafaring dream
with a weird coleridgian theme:
on a boat playing poker
in an albatross choker,
and pants that were made of whipped cream.
"
"our rich grandpa we'll never forget;
he's the reason we got out of debt.
when that evil man hacked,
i announced this as fact:
""it's a churchyard cough, mama. we're set!""
"
"i'm no homemaking overachiever
like the mother on leave it to beaver.
you won't see my high heels
when i cook hubby's meals,
but at rock shows. so sorry, june cleaver.
"
"when the jokes have a countrified bent,
southern-fried to a greater extent,
then it's corn pone, dadburn it,
and if you'd like to learn it:
call the pool a big pond of cement.
"
"in the old days, a snowman required
an old pipe, to be nicely attired.
made of corncob was best,
but you'll now face arrest:
it's corrupting the kids; you'll get fired!
"
"as a surgeon, his skills were cosmetic,
but his work had an oddball aesthetic:
all his clientele's cheeks
had been known to spring leaks,
and their nostrils?well, three's not genetic.
"
"an old moonshiner raked in the dough
selling liquor from corn he would grow.
from his rusty old still,
folks could drink for a bill,
which he'd save to buy vintage bordeaux.
"
"for assistance, i hired tallulah
in hawaii to study cotula.
while i crouched for long hours
in groundcovering flowers,
she drank mai tais and learned how to hula.
"
"ellie mae was a prize-winning hen
and she strutted her stuff 'round the pen,
but i caught her off guard
in the ol' chicken yard,
for a prize-winning stew that's a ten.
"
"my professor held cowley in awe:
""loiseau may have found him bourgeois...""
my eyes started to glaze,
so i might paraphrase,
""his poems...blah (something) blah blah.""
"
"cagliostro? a mystical guy,
he gave magic and masons a try.
but the rest of his history
is secret ? a mystery.
i'd tell you, but then you must die.
"
"i sped 'round the corner, then?splat!?
a costermonger's barrow went flat.
once, the coster sold pears,
but my car squashed his wares;
now he's selling pur?e by the vat.
"
"charolais are not quite what they seem;
they've a lacteous white color scheme.
but the cows know the score;
their meat's what they're for:
steak diane and not devonshire cream.
"
"as architects, we're the bee's knees.
we add curves to our columns with ease,
but we hear yours have crumbled,
and thus we are humbled?
accept our apophyges, please.
"
"to the cops in discovery bay:
""it's a stir, i say ? quite a melee.
it's a hoo-hah, a hustle,
a ruckus, a bustle!""
one answered, ""a bangarang, eh?""
"
"a conga line's what people do
on a cruise when they've had one or two;
blue-haired folks by the mile
shake their butts single file.
please?don't let this happen to you!
"
"if my menopause seemed to be hell,
it got worse when my lips came to swell.
then a beard grew the size
of some old cuban guy's:
achard-thiers made me look like fidel.
"
"in the '20s, the flappers would coo
in the gin mills with saps that they'd woo.
if they found a big cheese,
they'd say, ""you're the bee's knees.""
and to deadbeats, just ""twenty-three skidoo.""
"
"my state song makes me get on my feet:
it's ""the tennessee waltz"" ? such a treat.
matching rhythm with rhyme,
it's in three-quarter time
(that's a one-two-three, one-two-three beat).
"
"malcolm cowley wrote quite the review?
also exile's return (mostly true).
he could edit, write verse,
but for better or worse,
may be best known for people he knew.
"
"when the coating began to wear out,
it was mainly confined to the snout.
thus the coins henry minted
weren't silver, as hinted,
so it's ""copper-nose harry!"" they'd shout.
"
"as a clotheshorse, fran?ois was well known.
over time, his collection had grown
'til he needed a map
just to track down a cap
from his northernmost winter-wear zone.
"
"joe was told his blind date was aa:
""so she drinks a bit. so? that's okay.""
when the girl turned up clean,
with no chest to be seen,
he discerned his mistake right away.
"
"if your time machine works at long last,
then you'll need a new way to lambaste.
when a dolt comes your way,
use a word from his day:
call him clodpoll, then fly away fast.
"
"when it's late but i'm still feeling perky
and i'm out of both bread and sliced turkey,
the convenience store's near?
heck, i'll pick up some beer.
might as well add some smokes and beef jerky.
"
"in grade three, all the kids tried to earn
the respect of a bully named vern.
if he liked you a bunch
then he'd just steal your lunch,
and he'd spare you a rough chinese burn.
"
"the cancer has et captain's bones;
i shudder to hear his harsh moans.
far it's spread from his skin ?
all too soon he'll lie in
the deep locker of ol' davy jones.
"
"the blue heron, with long legs and beak,
hunts for frogs in the depths of the creek.
as it soars to the fog
of its home near the bog,
it exhibits a noble physique.
"
"start with apricot, barnacle, chit
(they're arranged in this order to fit
abecedary rule
as it's taught in the school),
through to xylophone, yak, and then zit.
"
"pity the barbary ape,
just a monkey sans tail to its shape.
at home in morocco
it's blown by scirocco;
from gibraltar it cannot escape.
"
"made of camphor, dissolved, sealed in glass,
this predictor impressed navy brass.
using fitzroy's device
to foretell storms and ice
was an art, not a science, alas.
"
"kay received many comments (quite crass!)
from the biblicist teaching the class.
at her first faint complaint,
he replied, ""i'm no saint!
i can't help it... i covet thine ass!""
"
"the classic acheulian axe
helped hunting skills reach a new max:
just a rock 'til it's cracked
by deliberate act,
the first of the great human hacks.
"
"we've got blue laws (a relic from yore),
so the liquor store padlocks its door.
pubs and bars are all dark,
as we drink in the park,
to keep sundays ostensibly pure.
"
"the grass trees of botany bay
yield an acaroid resin that may
make your furniture shine,
enhance food when you dine,
and then soothe tummy troubles away.
"
"emergency docs in the states,
whose patients arrive in dire straits,
may view with hostility
care based on ability
to pay at the high going rates.
"
"electric organ?just what is that for?
is it new on the shelves of the store?
have we come to the day
that viagra's pass??
(when i plug in, she runs out the door.)
"
"egyptological studies of those
gilded tombs bearing kings in repose
yielded treasure, and more?
pharaoh's fetish of yore:
taking naps wearing mummy's old clothes.
"
"when a dynamist types out a line,
she might shape it to show and define
how her verse has a motion
like waves on an ocean~
her last line turns
???.ngised yb kcab
"
"i'm a mite that you might call polite.
may i ride on your hide out of sight?
ectozoic, that's me,
parasitic and wee.
please excuse me, i must have a bite.
"
"diphenoxylate: treats when i'm faced
with that ""skip to my lou"" kind of haste.
my loo's door's left ajar?
i can't make it that far?
kitty's box is strategically placed.
"
"the slip of her top revealed boob-errants
that stood firm with a shameless protuberance.
they were pointed askew,
and my eyeballs were, too?
my reaction was ?ber-?exuberance.
"
"a euphemism lightens the mood.
it's polite around people, not crude:
if your mate should pass gas
on a date, she has class
if the bunny she shot was subdued.
"
"deadly sin, bishop's kin, compass head,
dizzy dean, passerine, vivid red,
richelieu, paramount,
wolsey too, number count,
stanford?bloke, hooded cloak?common thread?
"
"""twas exorbitant,"" once it was said
when you strayed from a course straight ahead.
but today if you've paid
for exorbitant jade,
you've been soaked and your bankroll has bled.
"
"disannuller: one fouling the fun.
ere we'd gone very far on our run
to elope in the sun,
came her pa with his gun?
he made sure that our fun was undone.
"
"on the bottom, in search of a treat,
dactylopterus fish walk a beat.
they set off with a stride,
inch along, or they glide?
for their pelvic fins fill in for feet.
"
"ancient romans would call them engraulidae.
would those anchovies rhyme? not with all i'd eye.
scholars say they're engraulidae?
fishy snacks for my holiday.
for engraulidae? ""dee"" please, don't drawl a ""dye"".
"
"in a testing lab, eosin glows
under light, where cell structures it shows.
what a sample might hide
on a microscope slide
this fluorescent red dye can expose.
"
"how does eosinopenia strain ya?
when docs need a stain to explain ya,
yer blood won't supply
certain cells for the dye?
it'll pain ya in vain when they drain ya.
"
"we can soar through the air on a breeze,
make a meal of a mouse when we please.
we're accipiter (genus);
our prey haven't seen us,
when downward we swoop through the trees.
"
"dwarf cornel is food for the moose,
also famous for turning it loose:
the stigmata enriched
by the pollen, fast-pitched,
will assure that these plants reproduce.
"
"winter days knock o'clock out o'whack.
spring's ahead when we take in the slack:
we change 7 to 8,
summer rays stay out late.
autumn trees drop their leaves; we fall back.
"
"eddy's cricopharyngeal shredding
is caused by his ham-handed threading
of swords down his throat?
it's a stunt to promote
his new book: inside look at beheading.
"
"she finds bags made of jute on her farm,
then cuts holes for the neck and each arm.
with each crocus sack dress,
she earns fashion success?
her new label is southern belle charm.
"
"i can eat crookneck squash by the peck,
from its rump to its thin curvy neck.
sliced and steamed, yummy sweet!
lightly grilled, tasty treat!
yellow skinned?it's a fruit? what the heck!
"
"our super is super fastidious.
he barked, ""yer apartment is hideous!
dis pig sty's a mess!
get anudder address!
i'm hopin' someday ta be ridious!""
"
"yer downsizin' offer's appealin'!
them two hundred hogs had me reelin'.
i'm now down to forty,
all muddy an' snorty.
they stink a bit?don' mind the squealin'.
"
"in your blood there's a swell kind of cell:
eosinophils help you get well.
an invasion site found?
send this leukocyte hound?
those intruders are bound to catch hell.
"
"when the doldrums cause versing to dwindle,
flames of passion i hope to enkindle.
will my muse light my fire?
will it brightly inspire?
well, maybe this olive i've ginned'll.
"
"robbing graves to george herbert appealed.
wanting wonders in egypt revealed,
he sent carter in first,
but the tomb, it was cursed?
by mosquitoes his fate was soon sealed.
"
"the stretching of something elastic
reveals there's a limit, if drastic.
that's a bothering thought
if the bungee you bought
for the jump has a knot full of mastic.
"
"in ads, it is often expressed
that a product is ""one of the best.""
this superlative ""good""
has been misunderstood?
at the top there's no room for the rest.
"
"his digging in egypt was backed
to seek treasure long hidden, intact.
howard carter sought gold?
tutankhamun got rolled.
eight more years it would take to extract.
"
"as a chef, i employ elixation
to further meat's tenderization:
bring beef to a boil,
let it simmer, not roil?
that's my plan to ensure salivation.
"
"my jump is up next, how fantastic!
this cord's deformation's not plastic:
as i dive from this span
like a lithe peter pan,
watch my bungee bounce back?it's elastic.
"
"enactive: of leaders who vote
to establish from bills that they wrote
some new statutes or rights?
or of actors in tights,
spouting shakespeare on stage, who emote.
"
"i spy cakile here in the sand,
noxious weed from an alien land.
while that ""herb"" thinks i'm idle,
i've grown herbicidal?
with roundup, i'm making a stand!
"
"her accelerator pedal was floored,
feeding fuel to the jag she adored.
cops ended her racing;
now jail she is facing:
her pedal for brakes was ignored.
"
"in the hearse lies the bard of this verse.
rigor's hold keeps his epitaph terse:
here's otis, passed odist?
he's late, hope you noticed.
(he penned his last verse in the hearse.)
"
"while driving my truck i hear clicking?
a noise like a metronome ticking
that's so chronographic,
click-clacking in traffic?
oh, doh! that's my turn signal sticking!
"
"some metal, your body won't mind it,
but lead? get it out if you find it.
just flush through with water
and know that you oughter
include a chelator to bind it.
"
"it's a verb that i use with devotion,
but pedants decry its promotion.
although back-formation
is usage that they shun,
i can't get enthused with that notion!
"
"it's really not hocus and pocus?
use some chemotaxonomical focus
on reactions to sleuth
biochemical truth:
have we buttercup, lily, or crocus?
"
"a stone that i found in a crater
had granules embedded that later
would attest to a queer
meteoric career:
transpolar then 'round the equator.
"
"the gran chaco has so little rain
that the peccary grazing this plain
only drinks if he must
and takes baths in the dust?
but a cactus gourmet? that's insane!
"
"meadhbh, yr lingo hs alw perplexd me;
doze scots wrds abound wen u txt me.
""im fashed,"" u jst sent,
tho itz irked dat u ment:
im irate, so il vent ? cuz u vexd me!
"
"your car's foot brake is usually used
to slow down?but it can be abused.
with your left foot press lightly
to turn in more tightly,
while your right's on the gas?be amused!
"
"a mere boatman, a wimp of slow wit,
he conspired with booth on a hit.
fill up johnson with lead?
he drank whiskey instead.
still, they hanged him (he twitched for a bit).
"
"there once was a soldier named schmidt
whose dull bayonet wouldn't cut spit.
his last skirmish occurred
when he rashly preferred
to rely on his rapier wit.
"
"now, even as barbie's asleep,
ken's off early to see to his sheep,
but their long, stolen night
each accepts wasn't right.
each has promises, sadly, to keep.
"
"the word forceps means nothing to me
but ""a pincer-like instrument,"" see?
it can grasp or clamp shut,
or be left in your gut
by a surgeon for quite a high fee.
"
"""my dementia i aim to forfend.
i'll avert and defer it, my friend.""
""what's your way to delay?""
""lay a limerick each day.""
""where's this verse you contend to have penned?""
"
"i was buzzed by a low-flying bird,
so i buzzed for my technical nerd.
he then buzzed 'round his shop;
buzzed a drone up to drop
that old buzzard (who wasn't deterred).
"
"old jake, he sustains me with steak.
on my birthday, he bakes me a cake.
he gives back rubs galore
while i snore on the floor.
then my forepaw he'll shake when i wake.
"
"cricoarytenoid muscles are found
next to cartilage right where the sound
in your larynx is made.
valued vocal cords' aide,
they are used when you cough or propound.
"
"eighty men on the battlefield fell
and far more would soon die, you could tell.
what was gained with their blood?
a few acres of mud
and more proof of the phrase ""war is hell.""
"
"druggie ethel breathes ether a lot
(that's a flammable solvent she's got).
but if ethel lets ether
fumes gather beneath her?
one spark could make ethel too hot.
"
"the depression sent worrier hank
to withdraw all his cash from the bank.
without fdic
to insure that he'd be
paid in full, poor old hank drew a blank.
"
"take care, lest your clothing should bleed!
i have lost the white shirt that i need.
in the wash, one red sock
caused a terrible shock,
for my clothes had turned pink with great speed.
"
"said the parson, in order to preface us
for the psalm, ""in paul's letter to ephesus,
the ephesians gained grace
as they gazed on christ's face.
did they hear him, or were they as deaf as us?""
"
"this small horse that resides in the sky
isn't bright to a star-gazer's eye.
dubbed equuleus (foal)
for old ptolemy's scroll.
it's a colt if you live in shanghai.
"
"the ephippium helps a crustacean
abide a dry winter's duration.
this extra shell layer
gives eggs a slight prayer
of hatching in spring's inundation.
"
"let's cook sugar in water till thick.
when it cools a bit, gather 'round quick.
stretch and fold it, with twists,
till the taffy resists.
now our candy pull's done; it's a kick!
"
"a mirage that we witnessed today
is a namesake of morgan le fay.
taller images, blurred,
some inverted, recurred
in a fata morgana display.
"
"a fata bromosa consists
of a ""wall"" up ahead in the mists:
a mirage in full view
that a ship can sail through.
it's a fog bank where no fog exists.
"
"""you go kill it!  that vicious acaridan!""
shrieked my wife, the malicious old harridan.
but the mite in her sight
was not quite worth a fright?
wish i'd married delicious ann sheridan.
"
"""let me backtrack,"" she said, and restarted
from the spot whence she'd recently parted.
past the neck, down the hump,
straight across to the rump:
with her boots, this masseuse ain't half-hearted!
"
"o sweet adapid, lost in time's sea . . .
extinct primate, diurnal, and wee.
are you naught but my cousin?
or father?! a dozen
ape-ologists couldn't agree.
"
"on the farm, all we piggies are brothers.
""each is equal,"" say even our mothers!
though our anti-elitism
is a just-can't-be-beat ism,
some are more equal than others.
"
"what has red-headed, white-headed, black,
and the lappet-faced forming a pack?
the aegypius genus
of vultures (between us,
sounds more like the ""mod squad"" is back).
"
"ahd is a strange kind of sickness
that results from a tapewormy ick-ness.
alveolar hydatid
means those worms rioted,
cysting your liver with quickness.
"
"i was saddened to depths acheronian
when my favorite mag, the smithsonian,
wrote a rant about styx
(that's the band).  think i'll nix
my subscription and go rolling stonian.
"
"as i face losing face in last place,
i must free atp for the chase.
i'd embrace a strong brace
laced with apyrase trace
for a pace far apace of the race.
"
"spirits dwell in all things: though simplistic,
this phrase can define animistic.
just the thought makes me cower?
that mat in my shower?
i fear it would turn voyeuristic.
"
"all hail the magnificent axolotl!
she's amphibian, dude, to the maxolotl.
she retains every gill
as an adult, but still,
with weak lungs she don't play tenor saxolotl.
"
"my pet parrot was rude and sadistic,
his insults were quite dyslogistic.
those flaming remarks
must have set off the sparks?
now that impudent bird's a statistic.
"
"ginny's exigent: always intent
on demanding that others assent
to each whim she'd invent.
soon she'll double this bent?
she's to marry an exigent gent.
"
"beefy bob bought a dinghy: a boat
using oars or a sail to promote
a safe course close to shore.
but a bailout's in store?
it's too dinky to keep bob afloat.
"
"when my pappy cooked up his corn liquor,
distillin' by fractions lent kicker.
a dephlegmator made
his white lightnin' high grade?
in a flash it could strike down a slicker.
"
"for a pump stock we need water quick,
and a blast hole will best do the trick.
for a tunnel or mine
where a blast we'd confine,
drill a hole for a dynamite stick.
"
"for a basin's correct drainage density
(that's its water removal propensity),
you will need to compile
miles of stream per square mile.
this explains, after rain, flood intensity.
"
"electrostatic describes a technique
that i use on my hair when it's sleek:
rubber brush, stroking fast,
adds a charge that'll last?
my new ""flyaway freak"" is faux chic.
"
"cymiferous plants tend to show
many florets in clusters that grow
from the center then out.
and the opposite route?
corymbiferous plants open so.
"
"dark-eyed juncos are sparrows with flair;
pale pink bills and gray feathers they wear.
under feeders they flock,
where they chirp but don't squawk?
their demeanor is tr?s debonair.
"
"cuckooflowers are bloomers that grow
in the garden below my chateau.
they have petals of pink
and sweet nectar to drink?
once a watercress substitute? whoa!
"
"awry is when upset impedes
like a beautiful putt (into weeds).
it's when a's turn to d's,
or (forgive me now, please)
it's a loaf filled with caraway seeds.
"
"i once had a little pet auk:
black as night(hawk) and whiter than chalk.
on the sidewalks he'd balk,
fly, and squawk (kids would gawk),
but off norwalk, he swam the moon's walk.
"
"i'm balancing books for my boss:
i's i dot, funds i check, t's i cross.
it's a balancing act
between fiction and fact
(every windfall now looks like a loss).
"
"he is albicant, that is to say,
he gets whiter and whiter each day.
to my dear mr. jackson
i say: to be black, son,
is beautiful (no shades of grey)!
"
"the advantaged young man has it all:
born with power and wealth, he holds thrall.
he is likely to rule
(though some think him a fool)
wit' dat nookular weaponry, y'all!
"
"i was anteing (paying to play)
when the ace in my sleeve fell away.
my regret was profuse,
but my jacket? too loose,
'cause a deckful of queens hit the tray.
"
"i carry the bats for our team.
will i play? maybe one day, my dream . . .
in the meantime, the slews
who read weekly world news
keep me rolling in flies soaked in cream.
"
"i awoke at the first crack of dawn,
rubbed the sleep from my eyes, had a yawn,
when i noticed: that ""crack""
had seemed more like a ""smack"" . . .
oh my god!  my truck flattened a fawn!
"
"the government troops are advancing,
getting closer to flint, nearby lansing.
my movie 'bout bush
kicked some ticket-sale tush;
now the heat's making flight seem worth chancing . . . .
"
"i suppose you would dub me ""obsesser,""
for it's true that i wish to possess her.
until then, i shall bank
(from the bottles she drank)
all her backwash, arrayed on my dresser.
"
"greedy mum has become so aurivorous
she buys gold with the welfare they give for us.
the house has been sold,
now it's meat or it's gold . . .
i don't think i'll be staying carnivorous.
"
"some are tiny and some fairly tower?
spathe and spadix in place of a flower.
smell an aroid, it's sweet;
then again, after heat
it may stink worse than roadkill gone sour.
"
"oh, my sad archegonial egg . . .
left alone like a fully drained keg.
what i need now to breed:
antheridia seed!
this dry spell has forced me to beg.
"
"i nibbled a bit on her auricle
(as foreplay, licked ears are historical).
but just then?oh my dear,
what i feared i might hear?
she complained, ""you have slobbered galorical!""
"
"that old baldpate, he wears a mean scowl.
with his wingtips all spotty, he's foul.
his head's surely hairless ?
old age isn't fair, 'less
you're crowned with a fine silver cowl.
"
"many aurar make one swedish krona,
which means zip when i shop in pomona.
and anyway, cash
ain't essential; just dash
once you've got what you want. signed, winona.
"
"all my nerves are exploding, it's true!
and they're blowing their cellular goo!
this loss axoplasmic
is truly orgasmic?
you sure are one hell of a view!
"
"""if it yaps again, down goes her pet.""
""if he snores tonight: strangled, he'll get.""
""drapes more hose? i'll get surly.""
""leaves the seat up? a swirly.""
the battle lines now have been set.
"
"while diving 'neath floes with my beau,
it gets colder the deeper we go.
do i test all the while
bathythermograph-style?
no, i check if there's ice.  with my toe.
"
"my doctor and i reached accord
(i'd been robbed by a rogue and was gored):
""while it won't stop the pain,
i can re-route your vein:
anastomose you can afford.""
"
"as i aged and i lost concentration,
my edge was externalization:
clear memories then
i wrote down with a pen.
now to find them's my sole aspiration.
"
"tess's wedding day? frank was a fink:
slipped a mickey in everyone's drink.
with the groom out of ardor
and no one to guard her,
frank kidnapped the bride in a blink.
"
"there'll be times when you might say a prayer
if you've cystolithiasis (where
in your bladder there're stones).
you may utter loud groans,
or be lucky, and not know they're there.
"
"cranioscopy measures the shape
and the girth of my head with a tape
to ""infer"" what's inside.
though i've nothing to hide,
from this hokum i hope to escape.
"
"can i guess (noting how long it's been)
how much time till my phone rings again?
exponential distribution
provides a solution?
not a question of if, but of when.
"
"credit life is insurance you buy
that would settle your loan should you die.
your superb credit score
would remain as before.
(like you'd care, on your cloud in the sky.)
"
"this calyciform goblet of wine
has more grace than a stodgy old stein.
with the shape of a bell
like my mademoiselle,
it is blessed with a cute bottom line.
"
"the wedding's lewd verses were splendid,
adored by the horde that attended.
licentiousness flowed
from each fescennine ode
(though i'm fuzzy on who was rear-ended).
"
"ethyl ether was useful to crank
the old diesel in hank's sherman tank.
but he blew it one time:
too much spark for his prime?
and he roasted himself like a frank.
"
"a punch that i brought to the dance
was exclusively cognac from france.
i admit i'm excuseless
for making it juiceless?
i thought it would foster romance.
"
"on my lap now my dulcimer lies;
as i play it, the audience cries.
my instrument sings
with the plucking of strings
and the sweet sounds of musical sighs.
"
"my level's three-ten; i'm alive,
but they say there's no way i'll survive.
my cholesterol's high
and the doctors don't lie:
i'll be dead ere i finish line...
"
"on a diet they tell you, ""beware
of the fattier foods."" but i swear
that it's just ocd
re what goes into me,
so i'm having fried goose ? i don't care!
"
"aquafina's a brand name that's big
in the bottling of water ? nice gig.
but it's pulled from a tap
and executives clap
as they charge you three bucks for a swig.
"
"non-creationists sometimes engage
in a loud and vociferous rage.
""earth was made in six days?
man, your head's in a haze!""
my response: ""have you heard of day-age?""
"
"come and feel all my muscles; they're weak.
they developed all wrong; i'm a freak.
it's called dystrophy, yes.
why'd it happen? no guess.
now it's medical info i seek.
"
"a dynasty seems rather cool:
generations of monarchs who rule
by the power attained
as they've constantly reigned?
or the sports team you pick in each pool.
"
"this nightclub's the hottest in town!
not a person is sporting a frown.
and they're up to the times
when it comes to rap rhymes;
when the dj gets ""down,"" they get down.
"
"said his mother to clever young fred:
""on monday, i heard that you said
that your teacher was dying?
she's alive! you were lying!
you're in trouble, young man. go to bed!""
"
"nancy wilson, in heart, has her notch,
but one lyric of hers is a botch.
if the time she demands
from a watch with no hands,
she's just wearing a digital watch.
"
"audiometry shows i need treating
since i'm deaf to the tones it's repeating.
but my ears are not lame,
it's their hair that's to blame
(in which wrens are now nested and tweeting).
"
"my cabbie seemed stern and severe?
though he drove holding two mugs of beer!
he was plastered, the lout,
so i tried to help out,
but he said, ""i'm th' driver, austere.""
"
"i was sick of foul tips off my bat,
so i trained to improve my sad stat.
blinding birds with a light,
i would whack them all night?
bat-fouls split, thanks to batfowling's splat!
"
"limmy dime wit' da rhyme in da hooouuuse!
i define dat design o' yo' blooouuuse:
wrap it round to da back,
smack it shut like a shack?
you so hot now, ma peeps need a dooouuuse!
"
"the baseline is where you will start
before adding more dots to your chart,
showing all of the change
since you drank up that strange
green elixir, dear jekyll (not smart).
"
"batten those hatches, and fast!
secure them with strips, and avast!
now i'll stow up my mizzen,
thus hiding our busin-
ess. hurry!  my wife just drove past!
"
"plan on jumping volcanoes in java?
keep from cooking your bean like a fava.
underneath your hard cap
wear a full-headed wrap:
an asbestos-lined wool balaclava.
"
"i'd withdraw it right out of your shirt
(if i could); it's my well-earned dessert.
i'm an atm craving
your bankcard?stop saving!
just whip it out, baby?insert.
"
"o, to bask in the warmth of the sun
is a joy meant for all, leaving none,
except babies in bellies
and prisoner cellees,
and deals made inside air force one.
"
"is there life now on mars? oh, get real!
the conditions are far from ideal.
but i guess there could be
hardy microbes like me,
for you see, i'm the type called archaeal.
"
"a thirteen-year-old girl (really cute),
though her musical skills are minute,
sings a song that i'm hearing?
my eardrums are searing!
hurry up! someone put it on mute!
"
"your auto-tune's awful (amen!).
it puts vocals on-key, yes, but then
your voice sounds like techno;
am i listening? heck no?
don't ever make music again.
"
"richard dawkins? it's no use to beg,
for he'll never debate dr. craig.
in his atheist views,
is he scared that he'll lose
and in that way be brought down a peg?
"
"""try some samples! chinese food galore!
have an egg roll, my friend ? take some more!
now just dip it in duck sauce.""
""is it yummy- or yuck-sauce?""
(takes a bite) ""this is great ? i'll take four!""
"
"mixing cold lemonade with iced tea
makes a drink that is soothing to me.
arnold palmer's the name;
ending thirst is its game.
(though its namesake's is golf ? can't you see?)
"
"as a bagger, there's never a doubt
i possess neither swagger nor clout.
""load the groceries ? repeat.""
a monotonous feat;
one i soon will be doing without...
"
"swirling winds swept across the sahara
towards a hiker who cowered in terror.
as the dust clouds came near,
it became crystal clear
that this african trek was an error.
"
"because of the billy goat curse,
my grandfather's heart got much worse.
while the cubbies were failing,
my grandpa was wailing;
from the stress, he wound up in a hearse.
"
"""it's a person whose work is his play;
or it makes direct current."" okay,
but a dynamo's fame
is because of its name;
it's an anagrammed word of a day.
"
"ups: ""what can brown do for you?""
it does quite a lot, that is true.
it's a college, a man,
to scorch in a pan,
and it's also the color of poo.
"
"the adelgid, a mean little bug,
feeds on conifers?ravenous thug!
it can leave a round gall
like a blistery ball,
which must hurt (seems to me) if you tug.
"
"dost thou fancy this courtyard of mine?
with my chambers built 'round, 'tis divine.
take this ring as a sign
of my heart's grand design
and my atrial blueprints are thine.
"
"though the heat spun his eyes in a flurry,
she demanded he try some more curry.
he agreed, with a laugh,
then he melted in half:
an accommodable snowman was murray.
"
"i fluttered anemically home,
drained of vim, to my dark bed of loam.
it's so hard to get full
when i'm biting through wool:
being dracula sucks, here in nome.
"
"attraction's a powerful force
that brings things together, of course.
it could be the eyes,
or even the thighs?
so many nice parts to a horse!
"
"being eighty's not old, i've deduced!
i feel young and my spirit's been loosed!
now i'm ready for thrills!
damn, forgot all my pills;
my adventurousness is reduced.
"
"your new kidney is causing dejection?
your immune system wants its resection?
azathioprine might
smite that infight outright?
just inject for rejection protection.
"
"uncle vlad has a sneer for a smile
in that famed transylvanian style.
when his insults turn biting,
he seems uninviting
but begs, ""von't you stay for avile?""
"
"i was testing new art in nevada:
nihilistic, performance-type dada.
paired two protons (the first
was an anti-), rehearsed
""antinucleon dance""?i got nada.
"
"my norwegian friend, thor, is a scammer.
so i warned he'd end up in the slammer.
my words were adhortatory:
this cop lived next door to thor, he
told me he'd soon drop the hammer.
"
"i'm no apple-invention beginner;
my iphone's what makes me a winner.
with my earphones in place,
i can crank up the bass
and block, ""son, set the table for dinner!""
"
"in '03, the great czar left his throne;
now the empress's presence is known.
as she judges each week,
it is humor she'll seek
that brings laughter, not merely a groan.
"
"my opponent in chess moves his pawn
to f5 from f7. ""play on!""
it's my move. i will make it:
that pawn? sure, i'll take it
with mine from e5 en passant.
"
"in a tiny, locked room i remain,
antisocially going insane.
i spend all of my free time
as all-about-me time
with anapests flooding my brain!
"
"on chechnya, prez ordered blitz:
""we will conquer and not call it quits!
by my power so grand,
they'll stay part of this land.""
yes, our leader is putin on ritz.
"
"if you're filing your nails, as a rule,
an emery board is your tool.
but if planning to scuff
up a baseball, enough!
you're suspended, you cheater, you fool!
"
"my accident caused me much harm:
it eluxated (ow!) my left arm.
now it's out of its socket;
i need you to lock it
in place ? that'll work like a charm.
"
"as the center and nose tackle lock,
the big fullback drops low for a block.
now a flag has been tossed!
it's a chop block; the cost?
fifteen yards, and so backwards they'll walk.
"
"here's a tale: if you swim in this bog,
then a beast will emerge from the fog
and will ? there, in the mist!
evil creature, desist!
...never mind, it's my neighbor's dumb dog.
"
"since my body exhibits clonality,
i've discovered a strange abnormality:
my soulmate is me!
now we're dating, you see?
a position of doubtful legality.
"
"once a criminal, vick's now our friend,
and his comeback we proudly commend.
though his acts were illegal,
he's proven an eagle
can fight like a dog in the end.
"
"a transmission (a notice of tax)
for his farm brings him stress and he cracks.
so he splatters the page
with some dung in a rage!
just observe as he feces the fax.
"
"there was once an old woman who hated
getting birthday cards old and outdated.
a card on the day
left her happy and gay,
but belated? she wasn't elated.
"
"i got draftid! o joi and elashin!
now mi naym wil be noan cros the nashun.
im a bazkitbal starr
and i suun wil go farr
moztlee thanx tu mi free edukashun.
"
"for a duodecillion you've beckoned?
that means ten to the seventy-second
if in long scale you count;
it's a smaller amount
when in short scale big numbers are reckoned.
"
"with a lunar eclipse in the sky,
the red sox' great curse went bye-bye.
after eighty-six years
of the fans' hopes and fears,
the bambino was smiling on high.
"
"my editor says i must write
twenty limericks. deadline: tonight.
but i'm tired and can't work,
so to protest this jerk,
i just won't finish this one.
"
"a pregnant young blonde, linda jones,
gave birth with loud grunting and moans
at an egress, and cried
to the heavens, ""oh, why'd
they write 'push' on the exit?"" (cue groans.)
"
"i told holmes, ""there's a clue in the bed;
towards a school for young kids it has led.
but i cannot recall
what its name is at all!""
""elementary, dear watson,"" he said.
"
"this consumer report gives a warning
for a product we all should be scorning:
if you take it at night
all your hair will turn white,
and you'll never wake up in the morning.
"
"the emperor let out a groan,
and his servant cried, ""why do you moan?""
""i've cholerine, aide!
now i'm pained and dismayed,
for i sit on the wrong kind of throne!""
"
"after catching a fish, bob was struttin';
his prediction was right on the button
that he'd hook a small dace.
next, he boasted, ""i'll place
one more bet; this time, dobule or nuttin'.""
"
"bioregionalists pose a correction:
""our acts should display a connection
with terrestrial orders,
not political borders.""
they predictably won't win election.
"
"the most bighearted man you will see
benevolently donates with glee.
since his gifts keep enlarging,
now goodwill is charging
a ten-dollar membership fee.
"
"a dying old man made a goof
when he said, ""all that's under my roof
i bequeath to my wife.""
soon thereafter, his life
and his millions of dollars went ""poof!""
"
"corporations' emissions unclean?
ecoterrorists find this obscene,
so they punish the cruel
with destruction. (but who'll
go make sure their explosives are green?)
"
"i enlisted one day in the army,
thinking bullets and bombs could not harm me.
but i never expected
i'd be so affected
that firecracker bangs could alarm me.
"
"in '03, with just five outs to go,
castillo hit foul, and?oh no!
all the blame went to bartman,
though that was the start, man,
of a rally of eight, plus the woe.
"
"her body draped neatly in lace,
she beauteously dances ? what grace!
watch her twirl through the air,
this young lady so fair?
but that tramp stamp's a bit out of place.
"
"cried the dyeing brunette: ""no mistake?
hubby's left me his dough? for his sake,
i will mourn him by spending,
since my money's unending.""
(she looked lovely and blonde at the wake.)
"
"a mean old bee stung me once, badly.
amenably, i suffered gladly.
see, this bee had no glee
for the queen be not she,
and that sting spelled her suicide, sadly.
"
"antimusical?  surely, you jest.
to be modest, it's what i do best.
with my shoes i play blues
upon musical shrews,
and my mom says my ears must be blessed.
"
"it was late in the month of aghan
(i'm a hindu in east yucat?n),
when through my door's mesh?
do i eye great ganesh?!
no, it's only se?ora, con flan.
"
"aweather and into the fray!
through the wind-whipped and sea-salty spray;
into storm, across waves,
upon threat of wet graves
i shall win the white whale, nigh this day!
"
"form holds, over taste, no hegemony.
for example, the sun isn't lemony.
some actiniform creatures
(with radial features)
taste rubbery, though, like anemone.
"
"are your nerves feeling frayed, overstraining?
does it seem like their axoplasm's draining?
step right up! try our tonic!
it's hyper-colonic
for nerves: fills 'em up! [may cause staining.]
"
"i've adapted to extra pollution
and threats to our great constitution,
but i just can't get used to
those folks who refuse to
teach children about evolution.
"
"it's my axial skeleton: trashed.
almost all of my bones have been smashed.
spared my limbs, which is swell,
and my pelvis as well?
should've heard that ""meep, meep!"" and then dashed.
"
"he awoke to a sound rather clucky
and was shocked he'd been driving his truck! he
lost his load of live chickens,
less one (the plot thickens):
it steered while he'd slept through kentucky.
"
"for piercing and poking, an awl
is a tool which will answer the call.
into leather or wood
it will poke, and poke good;
whereas all is, well, that which ends wall.
"
"i ran into serious hassles
in getting by passels and passels
of toll-counting proctors:
i'd worn to the doctor's
my bathrobe with gold lam? tassels.
"
"when baking on vitreous platters,
you'll find that this crucially matters:
borosilicate glass
you must choose, for alas,
a soda-lime platter just shatters.
"
"when miss florida went to a shower,
she brought food for the guests to devour.
she had wanted to make
a nice daffodil cake,
but she ran out of all-purpose flour.
"
"what a bombshell!  my wife up and left!
of my conjugal bliss i'm bereft.
but it isn't all bad ?
in the closet i had
a blonde bombshell with curves and a cleft.
"
"a blackmailing blonde from van nuys
wore a wig to evade some p.i.s,
but she didn't get far.
now her mug's in the star,
in ""like, totally bogus"" disguise.
"
"nate, an offensive tackle of size,
was struck in the back of the thighs.
this illegal attack
by a defensive back
promptly cost fifteen yards as the prize.
"
"the driver spurred horses to flight
as we left the grand ball, but in spite
of his coachmanship, fate
led the ride (and my date)
to turn back into pumpkins that night.
"
"a ballhawk's a guy in the stands
snagging thousands of pills with his hands.
he strategically plans
how to beat other fans
or just uses a glove rigged with bands.
"
"i thought, ""hurt? not a chance."" not for long!
now i'm shredded to bits; i was wrong.
heed these words that i speak:
don't play hide-and-go-seek
in a christ's-thorn while wearing a thong.
"
"english accents i've studied today.
southern's excellent. british: okay.
and australian is cute;
so is irish, to boot,
but how 'bote canadian, eh?
"
"for my father, the bats threw a show
as they flew round the yard to and fro.
why'd their echolocation
receive his ovation?
study bioacoustics; you'll know.
"
"if eileen will not come on today,
we will dress up in overalls ? hey!
let's go out in the street,
strum a catchy ol' beat,
and some guy will record as we play!
"
"down at meadowbank troubles abound,
and much evil is lurking around.
is it shapland? or chaddy?
or rich? who's the baddie?
the ""cat among pigeons"" not found.
"
"when she heard she'd be meeting obama,
""he's a killer!"" she shouted, with drama.
""plus, i'm certain that he
just got buried at sea.""
she is so empty-headed, yo' mama.
"
"""seize the day! your desires? don't flee 'em!
if you want great results, you will see 'em!""
so i shouted, ""i will!""
but it's all gone downhill;
man oh man, it's been one crappy diem.
"
"the pons asinorum's not hard
but it throws many students off guard.
if it's easy to prove
you'll be able to move
past the asses' bridge still left unscarred.
"
"a cross-check is legal in chess,
but in hockey it lacks in finesse.
hold the stick in both hands
and don't care where it lands.
in the box for two minutes, no less.
"
"agrippa was caesar's best friend,
the person he always would send
to rule on the water,
or marry his daughter,
and fight for him right to the end.
"
"the creator's oft seen as a guy
who gave birth to the world on the fly.
but here on the earth
men never give birth,
no matter how hard they may try.
"
"at a cookout, you'd want a potato
with beefsteak, and also a plate o'
delicious baked beans,
fluffy biscuits, some greens,
and a nice juicy beefsteak tomato.
"
"if your knowledge of bitters you'd hone,
angostura is rather well known.
but there's orange, you know,
not to mention peychaud,
fernet branca and amer picon.
"
"i went to the pasture to forage
for purslane, or maybe some borage
(for salad, i mean).
but nothing was green:
'twas december!  i had to eat porridge.
"
"bob and robert, two runners, excel
at the summertime sports.  if you tell
them that snow on their mile
would be crampin' their style,
""we bobsled all winter!"" they yell.
"
"whilst sipping a beef consomm?,
king midas exclaimed with dismay,
""what was bouillon so clear
is now bullion, i fear:
indigestible gold!  bring sorbet!""
"
"i was dating a botanist, makya?
a girl who loved plants.  this'll shock ya:
not a word could be said
when i found her in bed
all entwined with a large dieffenbachia!
"
"to smell borneol's scent on the breeze,
you must find dryobalanops trees.
catalytic reduction
for faster production
makes gallons of perfume with ease.
"
"to the eye she had skin like a dove;
i confess i fell madly in love.
when i tried a caress,
i was filled with distress
for her bodysuit fit like a glove!
"
"in preparing nepali cuisine,
your acidulant options are keen!
first there's tamarind's zest,
and then lime, but the best
would be amchur (dried mango, i mean).
"
"in his garden gazebo i sat
with his mistress, when in walked lestat!
through an archway i fled,
just to land on my head
in a boxwood the shape of a bat.
"
"""my bulldog is drowning!"" cried lynne,
so a kindly old rabbi dove in.
he revived her poor pet,
and lynne asked, ""you're a vet?""
he said, ""vet?! i'm a-soaked to the skin!""
"
"at a burglary, i would express:
""you've been burgled"", but in the us
i've been sternly advised
one should say ""burglarized"".
that implies ""burglarizers"", i'd guess?
"
"to revive an old joke, it is best
if in limerick form it's expressed:
what did l.a. cop kelly
exclaim to his belly?
""hands up! you are under a vest"".
"
"is materials science a topic
where properties stay isorropic?
if in any dimension
there's change of intention,
then no! 'cause that's aeolotropic.
"
"i said to the workman, ""you anchor
bolt upright that beam to the tanker.""
but he clearly misheard
my innocuous word,
for he punched me with force and with rancour.
"
"for an additive function, it's true
that when f acts on p and on q
and the answers one sums,
the grand total becomes
the function of p plus q too.
"
"for prescient wagers i'll boast:
as a better, i'm better than most,
but better by far, be
it dogs or the derby,
i am when i bet ante-post.
"
"sometimes tinnitus comes on in spurts?
little audio-frequency squirts.
it's normally reckoned
in cycles per second;
in other words?how much it hertz.
"
"your calumniatory abuse is
enough! i'll take no more excuses.
retract that vile slur,
you low slanderous cur,
or you'll get what my clenched fist produces!
"
"while the most evil vampire in town
stalks the night chomping necks in his gown,
we know each bloody gulp
becomes albumose pulp
as his old acid tum breaks it down.
"
"i passed eels on the way here this mornin'
goin' home to the place they were born in.
they were, if you please,
anguilliformes
headin' back to sargasso for spawnin'.
"
"in the days since the counter-insurgency,
seems to me no-one cares about urgency.
while they rebuild the state,
i continue to wait
here in accident (ouch!) and emergency?
"
"it's been said gothic builders were crude,
since the classical forms they eschewed.
but bar tracery's art
let the masonry part
to shed glorious light on the rood.
"
"in his landscape design, calvert vaux
often sought to think outside the baux.
having planned central park,
he might justly remark:
""this design is not mine, it's new yaux.""
"
"caught a shark ? i was fishing for trout!
felt a tug; i thought, this one feels stout.
i was reeling it in,
saw a huge dorsal fin,
flicked the bail arm and let the line out!
"
"years ago, two young molluscs were yakkin'.
said the first, ""when i die, i'll come back in
the form of a fish.""
said the second, ""i wish!
i'll be fossilised ? calciform packin'.""
"
"if a drug runner swallows some dope
to conceal it, you haven't a hope
of revealing his crime,
save by passage of time
or the use of a celioscope.
"
"an adrenoreceptor will clasp
passing agonists tight in its grasp.
the receptor's home cell
then decides, ""run like hell!"" ?
pumping heart, eyes dilate, breath a gasp.
"
"said the cavalryman, ""phew! it's hot
when i wear my protective callot.
but if not for that cap,
then my helmet and strap
would be chafing my skull as i trot!""
"
"cousin shirley's exceedingly active.
i suppose it's because she's attractive.
while not that astute,
she's pretty darn cute.
not to mention her bosom's distractive.
"
"do you know the best way to respond
when attacked, with grenade, by a blonde?
pick it up ? pull the pin ?
toss it right back agin.
sounds like something that happened to bond.
"
"in baseball there's nothing so great
as the feeling of stealing home plate.
when you do it though, jack,
keep an eye on your back,
lest the catcher be somewhat irate.
"
"they undulate, surge, and they swell,
those billowy waves, so pellmell.
then you head for the rail
with a countenance pale,
and a vision of watery hell.
"
"there's no  reason to make such a fuss,
since all that it was was a buss.
i thought 'twas permissible?
you look oh so kissable.
now that we've met, my name's gus!
"
"to ensure graduation compliance
i enrolled in advanced bioscience.
but the study of life
has been rife with such strife,
i have often cut class in defiance.
"
"bill competes in biathlons with ease,
with his strong, supple fingers and knees.
while it's surely no trifle
to handle a rifle,
that hotdogger shoots while he skis!
"
"my dad wants to learn belly dance
'cause his gut bulges over his pants.
he could then join a harem
with gyrations to scare 'em
from turkey to toulon in france.
"
"chrysanthemum smith was a hippie
and, while stoned, on a night rather nippy,
saw her bell-bottoms dance.
(wow, what talented pants!)
pitching forward, she laughed, ""this is trippy!""
"
"you can tell ann's a real bible thumper
by the ""jesus fish"" stuck to her bumper.
she's self-righteous, pedantic,
anything but romantic;
her more secular friends had to dump her.
"
"he looked at the table agast
as tonight he had hoped he could fast.
roasted beasties and taters,
fancy wines, snotty waiters,
'twas hardly a modest repast.
"
"when you're pretty, you get to a point
where your skin with perfume you anoint.
then dress up real fine
so they'll ply you with wine
in the neighborhood's classiest joint.
"
"now johnny was known for his ardor,
though he wasn't a very quick starter,
but once on the track
he would never look back
and always try harder and harder.
"
"defining his style quite loosely
with high-powered words used profusely,
i quickly surmise
we should give him a prize
for confusing us all, most abstrusely.
"
"in composing a memorable song
the terminal note should be long.
now musical logic
says make it agogic.
staccato would surely be wrong.
"
"hygienics is most evolutionary,
though progress is now revolutionary.
for our health there is hope
since discovering soap
and adopting a course that's ablutionary.
"
"as a poet, some critics debase me,
while others i think just erase me,
but limerick fans
rise up in their stands
loudly clapping their hands to aggrace me.
"
"to abscind is to cut or to sever
with a knife or a scissor-like lever
or an axe or machete
that's kept at the ready
in pursuing divisive endeavor.
"
"and a very warm welcome to you.
check our mates, we're a chess playing crew.
rook and bishop and queen
or a knight in between
stick around on the board. join the queue!
"
"at emmental (swiss, if you please)
they are known for a fine type of cheese
that won't go down like silk,
though its basis is milk?
full of holes, it is sure to appease.
"
"elder statesmen are mostly retired
politicians who often get hired
to dish out advice
which is not always nice?
there's a snag, though: they cannot be fired.
"
"emigration can be a decision
which doesn't allow for revision.
leave your country behind?
you don't know what you'll find!
it may even end up in derision.
"
"if my country held no more attraction
for me (or much less satisfaction),
and i left it for good
as an emigrant, would
you suppose that's a hasty reaction?
"
"on a field day, they're out in the yard 'n'
play football? i do beg your pardon!
all the ""field days"" i had
were imposed by my dad
and meant nothing but work in his garden.
"
"my mum's fish fry, she thinks, is a treat?
battered fish and no morsel of meat,
served with chips (never rice,
which ain't nearly as nice)?
but my dad claims it tastes like cold feet.
"
"the station is blazing, on fire,
with flames getting higher and higher,
but its fire brigade
is away, i'm afraid?
and besides, they are stuck (a flat tyre).
"
"a folly's a building that's odd,
maybe costly, or even a fraud.
take the tattingstone wonder:
three cottages under
the sham of a churchly fa?ade.
"
"once a limerick i wrote just for fun
was ""improved on"" to pieces by one
and another, another,
and also his brother.
keep it up and i'm bringing my son.
"
"here's a look at an ugly old elf,
as he dwelt on a cranberry shelf.
he was horrid and hairy,
 a beastly old fairy,
but amazingly pleased with himself.
"
"when he grabbed her, she gave out a gasp.
""oh, you don't know the strength of your grasp!
you're unwelcome because
of your cumbersome paws,
and the painful effect of their clasp.""
"
"my new website compiles ev'ry back link,
as it fills in the ledger with black ink.
all those contacts bring hits ?
in an ad-clicking blitz ?
coins of silver will make my old sack clink.
"
"earless lizards aren't  earless, you know.
it's a myth that has managed to grow.
but in truth 'twould appear
an interior ear
works for audio. (just goes to show.)
"
"watching major league  baseball  is fine
and to see a home  run is divine.
from the hurler's perspective,
this could cause some  invective.
big league pitchers look bad when they're crine.
"
"in days coming you'll maybe collapse.
you can never be sure, but perhaps.
you're found prone at the scene
wearing underwear clean?
i can see your mom smile as she claps.
"
"it's an edible sagebrush for sheep
that some partridges also will reap.
my latest informant:
""hot summers it's dormant.""
we all should have time for a sleep.
"
"it is time that we called us a truce,
but i shan't wear that silly burnoose.
i don't mind the false nose,
and the surgical hose,
but i like my clothes tight, sir, not loose.
"
"remember the african queen
and the bullrushes flooding the screen?
yes, katharine and humphrey
fought fiercely to come free,
and leeches made struggling obscene.
"
"as a fosterling child i was raised,
since my parents had died. god be praised
that some folks were aware of me,
there to take care of me
(others did nothing?just gazed).
"
"the seat of a bishop (or throne)
can be wooden or made out of stone.
in times long gone by,
the chair of this guy
as a faldistory often was known.
"
"she left you her house. auntie may
made you happy like no-one could say.
then your pleasure diminished,
for the deal wasn't finished,
and estate duty you had to pay.
"
"an obsolete word is enerve,
""to sap something's vigor or verve"",
or, more broadly, ""to weaken""
(which, done to a beacon,
can get ships in trouble. observe!).
"
"as a baker, i'm truly unwavering
in my quest for uniqueness of flavouring:
pepper, whisky, and curry
(there's no need to worry!)
are what i am presently favouring.
"
"as a fledgeling i entered the court
of oedilf, a beginner quite short
on grammar and style,
but i've found it's worthwhile
to continue (much more than i'd thought).
"
"to my neighbours i'm first known for fecklessness?
ineffectiveness?second, for recklessness.
but their nasty remarks
only trigger off sparks
of my terribly harsh tongue-in-checklessness.
"
"dull flatness detracts from my verse;
my limericks couldn't be worse:
despite perfect grammar,
they lack gloss and glamour.
no one reads them but folks i coerce.
"
"when an editor says to me, ""joe,
your meter has terrible flow,
but you constantly question
any well-made suggestion,""
i fight back and i simply say, ""no!""
"
"i was fair-haired, until my new bloke
said he favored brunettes?my heart broke.
so i dyed my hair brown.
when he saw me, his frown
showed that clown had been making a joke!
"
"while at sea, there's a spot you should check.
find the lowest of points below deck.
it's the bilge you must try
to keep pumped to stay dry,
else the waves may soon rise past your neck.
"
"he strides from the dugout so eager,
but the pitches he's seeing are meager.
first slider, then curve,
they drop and they swerve,
to subdue this beleaguered big-leaguer.
"
"when a pompous and ponderous tank
hit a gooseberry bush with a clank,
and its progress was dead,
it was then someone said:
""it's lost track, and a lot of its swank.""
"
"sometimes anapest causes me rage,
much like fighting the bars of a cage.
then i find lines that drum
""da da dum da da dum,""
and i feel like a limerick sage!
"
"with my doctor's and loving wife's blessing,
i surrendered my heart for assessing.
then came bypasses, three,
which was okay by me
'cause my arteries needed redressing.
"
"first i gave him a threatening glance.
'twas a bad eye, a warning, a chance,
disapproving regard,
with a stare that was hard.
then i gave him a kick in the pants.
"
"the word dammit was used by my mother
in a song, but the words she would smother.
'twas a form of relief
and i thought, ""oh, good grief!
my mom cursing? it must be another.""
"
"two young blondes in a car, my oh my!
their excitement has reached a new high.
sign says: disneyland left.
they are somewhat bereft
as they turn, heading home, with a sigh.
"
"it's a pamphlet, a booklet, a tract,
a prospectus to urge that you act.
this brochure, if it's heeded,
means caution is needed.
there are con men out there ? that's a fact.
"
"unpleasantly loud and quite noisy,
this blatancy, blasting, in boise
is like driving a chevy
when the traffic is heavy
and colliding with someone from ""joisey"".
"
"oh, the caricatures by old dad
may be  good sometimes ? other times bad.
they range from 'some funning'
to 'better start running'.
and you can't  always win 'em, m'lad.
"
"if you want a great dog, try a lab.
they are faithful and loving and grab
your heartstrings and squeeze.
all they want is to please.
will other pups do? not a dab.
"
"my dad once fell ill in the sticks,
and the witch doctor ran out of tricks.
dad was made to eat towels
to clean up his bowels
from dysentery (also called flix).
"
"my writing is clumsy and clattery,
and my words are deserving of battery.
though my meter and rhyme
are much less than sublime,
all the editors praise them?sheer flattery.
"
"pierre's flagpole, or staff, flew a rag
about which someone rich wouldn't brag.
but its colours were blue,
white and red, and i knew
that he, oui, was still proud of his flag!
"
"a flatland is even and flat,
without mountains or hills and all that?
no rifts and no valleys,
no gradient alleys.
if it's not, i will sure eat my hat.
"
"""to encircle, surround"", that's enround.
it is obsolete, so i have found.
i have checked all my dicts,
but i don't think the picts
used enround when enrounding a mound.
"
"estonian they speak in estonia,
while german is used in franconia.
and no one would banish
the lingo called spanish
from a place known as welsh patagonia.
"
"an elector can hold an electorship;
a director maintains a directorship.
i know an inspector,
a cutter collector,
who harbours two kinds of inspectorship.
"
"i've felt crushed ? even flattened, i'd say ?
since the editor mailed me today,
'cause the punchline he wrote
at the end of his note
was ""no hope, no suggestions, no way!""
"
"i'm from france; my first language is french.
i'm in love with an english-born wench,
who corrects my anglais.
with each day, i can say,
i gain courage, and now rarely blench.
"
"a filter-tipped ciggy or fag
has a filter. when taking a drag,
you will breathe in less smoke,
since it blocks some (no joke!),
so you're somewhat less likely to gag.
"
"my appendix did not really function;
they removed it with zero compunction;
it's called appendectomy.
the scar's really heck to me ?
a defect i find that the hunks shun.
"
"her heartbeat has stopped ? an arrest!
breathe for her! pound on her chest!
her eyes begin fluttering,
and she begins muttering,
""stop it!  you're fondling my breast!""
"
"use isn't, but please don't use ain't,
a word with a bit of a taint.
it's short for ""i'm not,""
but hated a lot.
say ain't and your teacher may faint!
"
"asparagus: truly delicious
and also extremely nutritious.
with sauce or with butter
it sets hearts aflutter
(its shape being slightly suspicious).
"
"the amnion cushions the fetus;
it'll break, he'll emerge and will meet us.
the baby's the sweetest;
that time is the neatest!
as a teen, though, he'll not even greet us.
"
"an issue complex is abortion;
it's divisive...that's not a distortion.
it's pregnancy's end,
and let's not pretend ?
it's a subject that many and more shun.
"
"though nutritional needs we must meet,
anorexics just don't want to eat.
yet those who are fat,
whose tummies aren't flat,
might think such affliction a treat!
"
"the knights had such cumbersome armor
to shield them from harm and the harmer.
the metal was hot,
so they sweated a lot,
but it made for a great-looking charmer!
"
"an architect plans what to build;
developers' hopes are fulfilled.
the blueprint's his tool;
he can't be a fool,
or clients of his could be killed!
"
"she loves academe and agrees
that having a lot of degrees
is crucial for her;
her teachers concur,
but sadly, they lack expertise.
"
"""i'll see you anon,"" wrote my friend.
""(i think that means soon),"" he then penned.
while his thought was correct,
if he'd wanted it checked,
i've a website i might recommend.
"
"""i'll see you anon,"" said my friend,
as we'd drunk all my best coffee blend.
i said, ""after a while,""
which was more in my style,
but it meant the same thing in the end.
"
"a skill held by midas of old
was to aurify ? turn things to gold.
on the plus side for him,
his cup filled to the brim;
on the minus, no food, so i'm told.
"
"in an arsenal armies will place
all equipment they need for their base.
when they head out to war
they may know what's in store?
but good luck if your shoe's lost its lace.
"
"a prowler in search of some loot
regretted his choice of pursuit.
aprowl in my yard,
he was mugged by giscard,
a quieter, sneakier brute.
"
"the ash is a wonderful tree:
its wood is as tough as can be.
and should cold become dire,
put a log on the fire
and a new form of ash you will see.
"
"when big business declares that you must
believe what they say ? give them trust ?
though their ads may be brash,
keep your head (and your cash),
and remember the word antitrust.
"
"for this furnace an egg-shape's ideal;
the converter's so huge it's surreal.
pigs are fed down the spout;
once they're blown, slag's kept out.
that's how bessemer's process makes steel.
"
"to befog, to bedim, to becloud,
a dark trio when reading aloud.
they all mean ""to obscure"",
which may leave you unsure,
for it's surely perception they shroud.
"
"in the war, yanks were shipped everywhere;
some to england to stage and prepare.
as the men lacked for bases,
the homes offered places
to billet the troops here and there.
"
"though today it no longer holds sway,
this technique gave engravers a way
using screens filled with spots
to form shadings from dots.
all such prints are described as benday.
"
"when you cram you must stay wide awake,
so a benzedrine pill you can take.
you'll fly right through your book
on that bennie you took,
but just pray that in class you don't shake.
"
"acropora's the coral that's chief
when it comes to creating a reef.
there are shapes of bright hue,
such as staghorn in blue,
too diverse to corral in this brief.
"
"it's the principle found by bernoulli
showing how to mix fluids; yes, truly.
air speeds up past a port;
in blends ethyl, old sport.
the tri-power's report growls so coolly.
"
"it's the hobby to which i am chained.
watching birds oft demands i stay craned.
though i constantly stare
into nothing but air,
it's unfair to declare i'm birdbrained.
"
"in roots is where berberine's found.
its medicinal use can be sound
to help fever reduce,
aid cramped gas to fly loose,
or for sores, into powder be ground.
"
"it's quite clear going bald is your fear,
as you comb from the side and the rear.
this one thought i must share,
though you think it unfair:
we can't cheer for your belvedere, dear.
"
"at arising on time i'm inept;
at sleeping quite late i'm adept.
when i look at the clock,
it's always a shock.
it's late! i've again overslept.
"
"this arf-arfing's been going all night!
i'm too crabby and sleepy to fight.
i'm so not enjoying
this dog that's annoying.
his bark is much worse than his bite!
"
"the arch on your foot needs support
for walking or when you cavort.
your arch, if ignored,
is as flat as a board,
'cause shoes with high fashion contort!
"
"the amoeba is terribly primitive;
it doesn't take plenty for him t' live.
not a worry or care,
no shampooing his hair,
yet his life must be really quite dim t' live.
"
"antibiotics will weaken
or kill the bacteria seekin'
a host to infect,
to roast and deject.
so get to your doctor ? stop freakin'!
"
"while your insult was not so appealing,
'twas revealing of you, i am feeling.
in fact, it was galling,
and rude and appalling,
though i'm healing and certainly dealing.
"
"there's a difference 'tween ""though"" and ""although,""
although it is subtle, i know.
use ""though"" when in doubt;
the linguists won't shout.
tho spell it like this?  i say ""no!""
"
"there once was a woman named blake
who complained that her stomach did ache.
the doctor came quickly,
pronouncing her ""sickly.""
she really was quite a good fake!
"
"born italian, i wed, and that's when
i became a swiss citizen; then
they denaturalized me?
stripped that status, you see?
now i'm only italian again.
"
"i was orphaned the week i turned three,
when a neighbour took pity on me.
i moved in with him and
i would soon understand
that his foster child hence i would be.
"
"federations are found quite a lot:
there's mexico; also we've got
the u.s. and brazil,
and there's canada still
and australia ? new zealand is not.
"
"""your limerick's lifeless and weak,""
said the editor, ""but you can tweak
(you can fine-tune) the thing
and thus give it more zing?
make it ring, make it sing, make it sleek!""
"
"my writing is bloodless and aimless;
of course, i can't say that i'm blameless.
no editor should
ever lie that it's good
just to flatter me (that would be shameless).
"
"an extra dry sherry's called fino.
""it's the best!"" says my friend agostino.
i myself like a very
much creamier sherry?
as rich as a good cappuccino.
"
"a policeman in france has a nick-
name. he's commonly known as a flic,
and his uniform's blue
(why, i don't have a clue),
and he's armed with a gun and a stick.
"
"""your doggies,"" the football coach said,
""are too crooked, no good, my dear fred!
and those skinny, weak pins?
from your thighs to your shins,
they are filiform (thin like a thread)!""
"
"he was born in manila, so tino,
a native and true filipino,
speaks tagalog, although
tino also does know
some italian?especially vino.
"
"a floodlit event is made bright
by floodlights that shine in the night.
high-intensity beams
can illuminate teams
on a stadium field?what a sight!
"
"each friday my grandma plays bingo;
the players all have their own lingo.
gram says, ""mercy in heaven!
i need legs eleven
to win me that prize pink flamingo!""
"
"you show no emotion at all:
never laugh; never rage; never bawl.
your apathy seizes you;
lassitude pleases you!
don't even bother to call!
"
"when you're aged, or antediluvian,
then you're older than ruins peruvian.
your eyesight is weak,
and your bowels need a tweak,
and the sex? it's no longer vesuvian.
"
"my doc says i must sell my cat;
this asthma i just can't combat.
the cat's asthmogenic,
and perhaps allergenic;
i'm wheezing and sneezing ? oh drat!
"
"adolf hitler condemned every jew
to the horrors of auschwitz...it's true;
there, the problem, alas,
was resolved using gas.
now a moment of silence is due.
"
"my appendix, a worm-like projection
with no function, yet prone to infection,
was attached to my colon.
now ugly and swollen,
it's the pride of my surgeon's collection.
"
"her boyfriend is really audacious:
adventuresome, bold...and flirtatious!
he asked me to bed;
i slugged him instead,
and told him he's lewd and salacious!
"
"the avian flu is upon us,
and may be the scourge of ma?anas.
asking, ""are we prepared?"",
i hear, ""yes,"" but i'm scared,
'cause i fear that our leaders will con us!
"
"take your aspirin with food or with juices;
you'll find it has many fine uses.
your swelling's decreased
and your headache has ceased;
you no longer feel stepped on by mooses!
"
"some antidotes save you from dying
from drugs wrongly given, no lying!
ill effects are reversed;
soon you're over the worst.
malpractice attorneys, start crying!
"
"to bemuse does not mean ""entertain"".
here's a clue.  that's amuse.  clear your brain.
do you feel quite confused?
way to go! you're bemused.
still perplexed?  yes, that's it.  it's so plain.
"
"the new job in accounts he was filling
made him dream of caresses so thrilling.
he was taken aback
to discover the lack
of both billing and cooing in billing.
"
"said his wife (such a nag!), ""go get fitted!""
his reaction was simply dim-witted.
he had visions of suits
and the finest of boots.
but his bit in her plan? to be bitted.
"
"the full force of the bike had been spent.
the left side of the car showed a dent.
the repair bill soon grew.
in the body shop's view,
the whole panel was judged to be bent.
"
"alumina's use we can grade;
if quite clear, a bright gem can be made.
if found pure, it's corundum,
but if fused, it's alundum,
which is formed into things that abrade.
"
"there are bimetal probes all around
to read temp; in this use they abound.
two wires placed in conjunction
provide us a function
by which voltage from heat may be found.
"
"let us say out of four one's at scratch.
so how's one to play three? that's the catch.
from the three (as though sole)
take the best for each hole.
it's that ball that's their score in the match.
"
"late last year off to scotland i'd flown
where the finest of glasses were shown.
of the lot none could match
the warm glow of one batch.
i was told all those flutes were just blown.
"
"if you hate when you're asked ""what's your age?"",
there's a way to respond that's the rage.
a biennium's years
cut in half what one hears;
the result's not as easy to gauge.
"
"if it's temp near the roof you must read,
infrared from a gun's what you need.
to make sure it reads right,
you must check its bright light.
a pure body of black does the deed.
"
"an aprn is a nurse
whose treatments we must reimburse.
they're as smart as you please
in preventing disease.
(though sometimes the docs are adverse!)
"
"aspiration in health care can mean
inhaling...like maybe a bean.
it is also a ridding
of gas or?no kidding?
removing your fat so you're lean!
"
"i'm eating now (yesterday, ate),
and often i've eaten of late.
ate's the past tense of eat ?
now the meal is complete,
though the date with my plate added weight!
"
"to aid and abet's to support,
when criminals plan to cavort.
it's surely a crime
committed by slime,
though...soon they'll be cases in court.
"
"though anti-inflammat'ry drugs
will limit immunity thugs
(leaving asthma reduced
while your swelling's vamoosed),
they can put you at risk for some bugs!
"
"the abo system excels:
it classifies human blood cells.
type a rejects b;
only o to o, see?
ab receives all but repels!
"
"when our cattle got sick (""lumpy jaw"")
all their lymph nodes were swollen and raw.
we might just bet the ranch
tiny filaments branch
in the actinomycetes we saw.
"
"biloxi is coastal in miss.,
the home of casinos ? but hiss!
katrina has ravaged,
and looters have savaged,
this city the sun likes to kiss.
"
"your handwashing offers protection
from actinomycosis infection.
there's no need to endure
such an abscess?its cure
is an antibiotic injection.
"
"it's played with a bat and a ball;
the team has nine players, that's all.
it's baseball, this game
of american fame.
(but why do the cubs always fall?)
"
"that rustic old mick is a culchie:
aroma of cattle, hair mulchy,
with his cap and his stick,
and an accent well-thick.
a bogger who lives in a gulch, he.
"
"on wall street the brokers had danced
for all that they'd stroke from advanced
refunding! swap old gilts
for new, so more gold tilts
in view. much like madoff once chanced.
"
"cross your legs, close your eyes and breathe deep!
you've a date with nirvana to keep.
if you get to dhyana,
you've out-blissed pollyanna.
or maybe you've fallen asleep.
"
"if the herb's aconital, don't chew!
it will curdle your vitals. you'll spew.
so as not to feel queasy,
you can spot it quite easy.
this bilious buttercup's blue.
"
"alexander the great is well known
for the surge to make persia his own,
the greek dream that he brought,
and regime change he sought:
achaemenian kings overthrown.
"
"""to hell's fires, vile pariahs,"" cries zach'riah,
""lowdown accaron, drown in your mire!
for the ark you did steal;
and in dark you now kneel
before beelzebub, fake, fly-blown liar.""
"
"on the first day of may 'mongst the gaels,
a great burst of wild play still prevails.
at these bealtaine feasts,
cowherds once led their beasts
through spent fires ? by their heads, not their tails.
"
"press your belly as hard as you might.
test for hellish sharp pain on the right.
if there's none, you'll be fine.
if there's lots (aaron's sign),
appendicitis is clearly your plight.
"
"emma chisholm of oldham, and aunts,
would view ablism (e-less) askance;
while a ms. in the schism
of americanism
might scrap e in her rants for more grants.
"
"to a mite, the term slight's not polite.
it's their plight, but a slight?not quite right.
the word acaroid though,
if you give it a go,
might avoid annoyed bites in the night.
"
"a favorite word of mine's balderdash,
meaning ""nonsense"" ? a cow who will fold her cash,
or snow that is pink,
a rock that can think,
or a lady who lewdly acts bold or brash!
"
"my niece was bat mitzvahed today;
we all went to temple to pray.
she'll live as a jew;
attend services, too.
(the party was costly ? oy vey!)
"
"my goal is to balance my budget.
it's hard, but i don't much begrudge it:
no butter for bread;
it's marg'rine instead.
(while shopping at nordstroms, i fudge it!)
"
"your arteriole's part of your vessels;
it delivers the blood, but it wrestles
with causing high pressure
that'll certainly mess your
attempts to enjoy a few nestles!
"
"arrears are the money you owe,
so pay up your debts with your dough.
arrear's not a rear.
don't confuse them, my dear,
or a-sitting you'll nevermore go.
"
"when your skin is all flaky and dry
on your elbows or hands or your thigh,
the look is called ashy
(it isn't so flashy!),
so grab some good lotion ? apply!
"
"avaricious, a word meaning greedy,
is one i consider quite seedy.
you might covet my money
or even my honey.
you're envious, jealous ? so needy!
"
"i've not gone to a real aesthetician,
though to meet with one's surely my mission.
they evaluate beauty,
but will they get snooty
when seeing my body's condition?
"
"the areola's color surrounding
the center of something that's rounding.
the nipple's an ample
areolar sample.
(that i kept this so clean is astounding!)
"
"an approval at state boards of nursing
takes a careful review and conversing
on the health of a school.
so approval is cool,
but probation?  the dean will be cursing!
"
"apotemnophilia's stranger
than most ? it's a mental deranger:
you crave amputation;
adore mutilation,
so keep that guy's leg out of danger!
"
"it's grand when my children arrive
from school or from work, around five.
yet, arrivals expected
are sometimes rejected:
when bills are delivered, i dive!
"
"your alveoli work really hard;
they dissolve what you breathe ? and discard.
they're tiny air sacs
that you don't want to axe
or...your breathing will really be jarred!
"
"there once was a man from poughkeepsie
whose alcohol made him quite tipsy.
he dressed with more flair,
bought a big dancing bear,
then went out to find work as a gypsy.
"
"while an amateur's new to his game,
he's imagining fortune and fame.
in his golf or his tennis
he plays  with such menace,
but he'll never succeed ? what a shame!
"
"asthenia's seen when you're ill.
too weak to just swallow a pill,
you're thin and don't eat,
to read is a feat;
you feel like you've been through the mill!
"
"you're annoying ? just leave me alone!
you are jiggling my elbow...you drone!
will you please quit your pestering?!
my anger is festering!
just stop it!  oh, how you do moan!
"
"through the body, their message expands:
they're adrenals, bifunctional glands.
inflammation's prevented,
or panic's augmented,
by secretions that relay commands.
"
"hammerin' hank of the braves,
he really was one of my faves.
 hank aaron's his name,
the best in the game.
he drove other teams to their graves!
"
"now aachen's a fine german city.
stroll through it; you'll find it quite pretty.
yet during the war
its enemies swore
they'd destroy this great place; what a pity.
"
"oh, poor azotemic sophia!
her urine had too much urea.
ammoniacal taste
of nitrogenous waste...
oh, ick!  what a horrid idea!
"
"my anemones blow in the breeze;
in the autumn they're all japanese.
there's saint bridgid in spring,
but if tentacles sting,
that's anemones under the seas.
"
"you're a boxer, a physical lad,
but the wheel's winning phrase has you mad.
so you ask for an ""o""?
it's for ""awesome,"" you know?
but your spelling's not awesome, it's bad!
"
"these bacteria, rod-shaped, not round,
grow where nutrient starches abound.
if a carrot's forgotten
and starts going rotten,
there amylobacter is found.
"
"an aggressive young doctor spread rumours
about treating aggressive lymph tumours:
""our aggressive regime
is regressive?don't scream!
using leeches will balance the humours.""
"
"i'm trying to learn how to rhyme,
and to keep all my lim'ricks in time.
see, my rhyming is terrible,
my meter's unbearable?
in fact, they're just plain awful.
"
"i hear arish is stubble of wheat,
so it pricks when you walk with bare feet.
if you walk in the field,
you will limp till they're healed,
as they'll hurt until healing's complete!
"
"aftosa in cows, pigs, and sheep
causes blisters, and ulcers that weep.
also called foot and mouth,
things will quickly go south.
there's no option?just put them to sleep.
"
"if you're needing to polish some glass,
or shine silver, to give it some class,
use almagra from spain?
red, with very fine grain?
it's a clay that you just can't surpass.
"
"at the wake and the service, the priest
puts down old miss purvis, deceased.
making faces, he grins,
and retraces her sins;
thus concludes his disservice?the beast!
"
"as i stretched out my hand to her bum,
with my fingers i waved her to come.
but my dancing shoes slipped,
and i teetered, then tripped.
was this disequilibrium, mum?
"
"when the orangeman sailed to the states
with his banners and sashes and hates,
black preceptories too
formed a part of that brew.
hence black irish, one version relates.
"
"abe was thoughtful, contemplative, grave,
'til the final full measure he gave.
he would analyze, weigh,
each concern of the day.
deliberator: friend to the slave.
"
"""let's sack troy!"" cried the greek, ""fetch some wood!
horse chestnut or oak would be good.
this equine deception
will aid our direption,
for our 'gift' will be misunderstood.""
"
"""watch that crotchety crank!"" warned the nurse.
but he heard, and to make matters worse,
threw his bedpan and tray
in a colourful spray,
and his specs and his teeth, with a curse.
"
"if you're plagued with bold rodents, like moles,
there's a plant that will empty their holes.
crown imperial's reek
will ensure a scared squeak:
one of nature's ingenious controls.
"
"black irish: a paradox? pink
and pale is our hue, you would think.
but we're now multi-racial,
both facial and spatial.
perhaps it's the black stuff we drink?
"
"you may hear the fir bolg were the root,
or iberian celts. for it's moot
where black irish  arose,
or quite how. no one knows.
but brown eyes and black hair's the rare fruit.
"
"to jackeens, they're mere muckers, the hicks
who come up on the bus from the sticks.
they're clueless, rough boggers,
these shoeless, thick sloggers,
yet wise to those slickers' quick tricks.
"
"some fishes who swam in a school
said, ""swim on your own?  you're a fool!
if you're not in the group,
then you'll end up as soup!
so stay agminate, that's the first rule.""
"
"here's one thing that doctor joe knows:
the angular artery goes
from his nose to each eye.
without plasma supply,
we'd all see poor joe's nose decompose!
"
"post-partum, i simply felt *beep*.
i hurt and i needed to sleep.
three days i spent crying
without even trying.
the baby blues caused me to weep.
"
"""who's my cutie-woot, ducky, wee son?
does oo want a wee sticky-wick bun?""
""please don't use motherese.
use full sentences please!
don't use baby talk: i'm thirty-one!""
"
"dear xander, you grew in my tummy;
for a long time, i always felt crummy.
when they said, ""it's a boy!""
we were all filled with joy.
you're my baby and i am your mummy.
"
"""i'm bored!"" always comes the refrain.
""and i'm hungry!""  ""he hit me!""  ""you pain!""
when we're out in the car,
""are we there yet?  how far?""
all this badgering drives me insane!
"
"in new zealand, the banknotes, if read,
show a notable, living or dead.
ernest rutherford, true,
queen elizabeth ii,
also kate, apirana, and ed.
"
"the milk had gone bad; it was sour.
he was in a bad mood; he was dour.
he has a bad debt,
and it's making him sweat.
now his odour is bad; take a shower!
"
"my aunts, they are siblings of mother's
(her sisters, that is, not her brothers).
it's the same with my dad?
not his brother named chad,
but his sister, juanita carruthers.
"
"arterial blood is bright red
as it goes from your lungs to your head.
you might find that it spurts
when you get major hurts?
if it ceases its flow, then you're dead.
"
"a student of law read his score
and exulted, ""i'll study no more!""
as the bar exam star,
he examined the bar
from his bleary-eyed place on the floor.
"
"poor frankie is sick, you'll agree.
he's got acetonuria, see?
his diet's ascetic,
or frank's diabetic:
there's ketones contained in his pee.
"
"what's baby brain?  let me explain.
thinking's fuzzy and slow; it's a pain.
got his brain from his mother?
i haven't another!
uhh... what was i saying, again?
"
"step one: find a colourful dye.
step two: find some cells.  then apply.
any part that stays clear
says ""achromatin here!""
step three:  that's the end.  now goodbye.
"
"i fill up the tub and you hop in.
there's bubbles, and toys that i drop in.
yes, bathtime is smashing!
with all of your splashing,
the floor ? and your mum! ? need a moppin'.
"
"after six months of milk, it's okay
to give babies some solids, they say.
not french fries or steak,
nor butterscotch cake;
most babyfood's vegie puree.
"
"define baby blue?  it's a hue!
and oddly enough, it's a blue.
it's especially pale,
for babes who are male.
it's for johnny and bobby, not sue!
"
"what nocturnal and poisonous rooter
hunts bugs with a sensitive hooter?
it's related to moles
and found living in holes.
say hello to the haitian agouta!
"
"a breastfeeding mum aptly said,
as her hungry young daughter she fed,
""supplying a sip'll
reveal that my nipple's
areolar, ringed around red.""
"
"now a barn dance ain't much of a riddle;
dance along with the banjo and fiddle.
we will butterfly whirl,
californ-ia twirl,
and then promenade straight down the middle.
"
"if you're running when out in the wood
and you're caught a bit short, then you should
find a broadleaf suffices
in a toiletry crisis
(but nettles will do you no good).
"
"i feel like i've been here before:
as a sailor, a priestess, a whore.
i've been there, i've done that
so don't think it's fun that
i've reincarnated once more.
"
"here's a funny old game to play, bob:
put your fingers inside of your gob.
now stretch out your grin
to both sides of your chin,
and say ""banking's a banker's top job!""
"
"there once was a pessimist, jim,
whose half-empty glass made him grim.
but the optimist, doug,
found a smaller-sized mug,
and the glass filled it up to the brim!
"
"i like to eat veggies; i'm breezy?
i eat broccoli, leeks, easy-peasy!
but i tell you that broad beans
are basically flawed beans;
they're green, but they make my tum queasy.
"
"my sculpting's a sight to behold;
i use veggies when making my mould.
i make boulders from peas,
and some broccoli trees?
mum says ""stop it! your food will go cold!""
"
"i've the bod of a model; it's cute.
it's cute, and it's stuffed in my boot.
not my footwear, you punk;
it is stuffed in the trunk
of my car ? ain't late models a hoot?
"
"the sports car was fast, red, and sleek;
the model was thin, blonde, and chic.
she posed on the bonnet,
her booty upon it?
the engine was hot undercheek!
"
"i was broke; i was poor; life was bleak.
i broke into a fancy boutique.
i again broke the law
when i broke the cop's jaw;
but i broke out of prison last week.
"
"there's pumpkin and corn on my clothes.
there's apple and peach up my nose.
there's swede in my eye,
and it's making me cry.
it's babyfood time?think it shows?
"
"a capital letter's not a,
and not m, i, l, f,  o or k.
it's an upper-case q,
a, b, x, p or u,
or m, i, l, f, o or k.
"
"the adzuki's a smallish red bean
often cooked with in asian cuisine.
it's used in sweet soups,
and for ice cream in scoops,
or for tea. and it helps me stay lean!
"
"on mondays, i eat some chinese.
on tuesdays, i try japanese.
on wednesdays, korean
and then european.
come friday, i'm cooking louise.
"
"""your bloody burmese has just crapped
on my shoe!"" screamed darlene, as she snapped.
she then slapped, and she tore
at sue's hair, and they swore
bloody murder.  a catfight?  how apt.
"
"if a booklet's a book that's no biggie,
and a piglet's a tiny wee piggy,
then a branchlet's a stick
that is not very thick
(but it isn't as thin as a twiggy!).
"
"it's seven?  too soon to be waking.
eleven?  my belly is aching.
it's time for my brunch.
(that's like breakfast and lunch
all in one. so you'd better start baking.)
"
"a substance that women create
allows babies to grow and add weight.
not too cold, not too warm,
helps immunity form,
and its packaging always looks great!
"
"a wardrobe malfunction left jock
off-kilter, and reeling in shock.
adrift in the breeze,
well below his old knees,
was a hairy and wrinkled old sock.
"
"genetic invention's the aim
of the biotechnology game.
they have copied my genes
through molecular means
and created my clone?he's a dame!
"
"some antonyms:  fast versus slow;
thin and fat, or to shrink and to grow.
and dark is to bright
as the day is to night;
up and down, or above and below.
"
"aeolistic means talking too much;
someone rambling, long-winded and such.
the prez is a sample;
his rhetoric's ample,
and his blabber is so out of touch.
"
"you're exhausted; you're paler and paler.
you seem to be frailer and frailer.
anemia's tirin',
you need much more iron.
try spinach, like popeye the sailor!
"
"i will serve you my pasta with sauce.
alfredo is cheesy ? the boss!
it's white, never red;
tastes rich, it is said.
you don't want to try it?  your loss!
"
"the abducens, a cranial nerve,
innervates eye muscles with verve.
when you look to the side,
it makes your eyes glide
so you'll see what you want to observe.
"
"with asthma she'll huff and she'll wheeze,
she'll cough and may grunt, but won't sneeze.
if she'll use her inhaler,
her breathing won't fail her.
and, smoking must stop, if you please!
"
"the antidepressants enliven
those patients whose moods have been divin'.
be happy; don't fret,
your life isn't set.
these caplets can stimulate thrivin'!
"
"adjuvant therapy's great;
a mixture of drugs will create
effects that we hone.
instead of alone,
together they'll lengthen your fate!
"
"an apron protects the cook's clothes,
all the way from his neck to his toes.
he is clean if he slurps
or he slobbers or burps,
so he won't have to get out the hose!
"
"the will to succeed is ambition;
we lack it when writing our mission.
it is gobbledygook,
but by hook or by crook
we'll firm up our firm's new position.
"
"the arteries carry the blood;
without them our bodies would flood.
they're elasticized ? sorta;
the chief's the aorta.
if it ruptures, that's all for you, bud!
"
"with an heirtight descent to lend credence,
a man has no rightful impedence
to take up the helm
as a duke of the realm
and establish his lordly accedence.
"
"if at summits you strive to arrive,
you will  summon a drive that's acclive.
when it's down you must go,
and in very deep snow,
routes declive will best keep you alive.
"
"if your cattle crave clover to dine,
it's a cowherd you seek for your kine.
but if they need pasture,
or maybe weed, faster,
then drovers in rovers are fine.
"
"good gracious! tenacious the  -acious!
this suffix should be so audacious:
inclined to be found in,
and even abound in,
thin adjectives grown to capacious.	
"
"exposition: it starts. take a seat.
rising action: there's tension and heat.
the climax: enthralling!
the action: now falling...
the ending: this limerick's complete.
"
"using stats to improve on our guess,
i will measure, observe and assess.
if the samples i count
number ten, that amount
is the absolute frequency, yes.
"
"a contest: a fight for a prize
whether pretty or speedy or wise.
we find fun in competing
(my favourite is eating
to see who can scoff the most pies).
"
"a little flat disc from a game;
a block to divert a kick's aim;
a reply that will bust
through your argument's thrust:
all different, though counter's the name.
"
"he strutted and bragged; he was cocky.
he said he was stronger than rocky.
""come one and come all,
and we'll fight till you fall!""
(big words for a man who's a jockey.)
"
"she puffed and she moaned and she sighed
as her cervix was opening wide.
with pained little squeaks,
she breathed through the peaks
of the forceful contractions inside.
"
"catch a fish: make it swallow the bait.
catch a show: sit and watch with your date.
catch a cold: get quite sick.
catch a ball: grab it quick.
catch a train: be prepared for a wait.
"
"i'm a coder; my job's where i hack.
i commute there each day and then back.
since the trip's pretty far,
and i haven't a car,
i must travel by train on the track.
"
"vaccinations are never a cinch
but i'll get them, and not give an inch.
i will be courageous,
though fear is contagious;
i'll face them with nary a flinch.
"
"she was blushing, a beautiful bride;
an innocent virgin, untried.
then after the wedding
came bumping and bedding
to consummate vows made with pride.
"
"a gal by the first name of jill
had an accent as broad as a hill.
""whatcha mean that me thighs
are as wide as the skies?""
she's a broad broad who broadly speaks, still.
"
"""a-ha! here's the problem!"" said doc.
""this congenital defect may shock!
such atresic conditions
are 'blocks' or 'omissions'.
this poor semi-colon's a crock!""
"
"we ought to feed junior the best, fred.
the goods are right here on my chest, fred.
don't do things by halves;
cows' milk is for calves!
he's best fed the best, fred, he's breastfed!
"
"a meteorologist, dwight,
was full of hot air every night.
""this job is a breeze!
i can do it with ease!""
wonder why his predictions aren't right?
"
"if you need to make loaves for a feast,
and you have a few hours, at least?
basic bread at its core
has ingredients four;
they are water, salt, flour and yeast.
"
"i'm brilliant!  a genius, alright?
i'm quick, and i'm clever, and bright.
when my lab's getting dim
and my eyes start to swim
then it's night.  i should turn on the light!
"
"a weatherman, wally, from welly
had pockets of gas in his belly.
""it's breezy today,""
he managed to say
through wind gusts that turned him to jelly.
"
"she is cheerful, and happy, and swell.
she doesn't get worried or yell.
her outlook is breezy;
she takes things so easy
she's jolly well vexing as hell.
"
"take a crystalline ketone: acet-
ophenone. add some esters.  complete!
smells like almond, or berry,
or jasmine, or cherry.
these resins make perfume so sweet.
"
"""i have to look sharp tonight, hubby.""
""you're not.  you are looking damn chubby.""
""you are so frickin' blunt!
you insensitive...""  *grunt!*
a blunt instrument killed him.  (a clubby!)
"
"it's five and the numbers are turning.
now four and to space we are yearning.
next three, two, and one
and the countdown is done?
ignition!  the boosters are burning!
"
"a vintner named charles q. mcbind
let production get too far behind.
""my wine had acet-
obacter.  not sweet,
now it's vinegar!"" poor charlie whined.
"
"lochinvar is a zambian park
where birds fly by the day and by dark.
at its chunga lagoon
spend a hot afternoon
watching eagles and cranes. it's a lark!
"
"often caused by big trucks with big loads,
corrugations are ridges in roads
(ungraded and graveled,
infrequently traveled,
and safest in four-wheeler modes).
"
"corrosion fatigue is the bane
of structures in acid or rain.
so here is the theory:
the fabric gets weary
of harmful conditions and strain.
"
"i'm a counsellor, giving advice
with the hope my suggestions suffice.
i will listen to those
with depression or woes,
or say, ""marriage is time to play nice.""
"
"in twin towers, infernos rampaged.
as a nation, we mourned and we raged.
the conspiracy theory
laid charges quite eerie:
""the government had it all staged!""
"
"an equation that's characteristic
for a matrix (though this is simplistic):
(a ? xi),
take the det and apply,
and you'll find the solutions. sadistic?
"
"here's a food group with sugar to savour?
confectionery; sweets with a flavour
like caramel, toffee,
mint, chocolate or coffee.
please buy me some soon, as a favour?
"
"a coconut palm likes the warm
and its fruit has a hairy, round form.
the milk and the meat
are delicious to eat,
and the drupes are dispersed in a storm.
"
"a barium enema's used
when the doctor is somewhat confused.
it shows us the colon,
diseased, maybe swollen,
though patients are not so amused!
"
"five teammates all play in a group;
they slam the ball into the hoop.
the game is called basketball.
now i must ask it, all:
why do  they let their shorts droop?
"
"the heart muscle doesn't require
the brain to instruct it to fire.
this automaticity?
utter simplicity:
it beats, never seeming to tire!
"
"irregardless: an asinine word;
yet over and over it's heard.
it's silly, inane,
and so foolish ? insane!
its meaning, regardless, is blurred.
"
"your acetylcholine's proceeded
from one nerve to the next when you've needed
for your heart rate to slow
and your tear ducts to flow.
but be careful ? your toileting's speeded!
"
"between rehab and aa, this schism
in treating my alcoholism
is fixable, see?
it's cold turkey for me!
(i abhor vegetarianism.)
"
"the adrenal medullae secrete
epinephrine, which speeds up the beat
of your heart due to stresses,
and also suppresses
digestion, so flight will be fleet.
"
"an apotemnophiliac, blaine,
has an aim that's not totally sane:
he repeatedly begs
us to cut off his legs
so he'll have enough room on the plane.
"
"my dear, i am feeling quite amorous;
i shall praise you in verses tetramerous!
let's canoodle and huggle,
and cuddle and snuggle.
disregard that i'm old and not glamorous!
"
"your acetylcholine is sent
as a signal: ""digest and relent!""
but adrenaline-heightened
responses when frightened
give one's body the opposite bent.
"
"o'connor is mick to the backbone,
with orange and green, but no black bone.
while his own hue is blue,
his son's pink ? young red hugh ?
also grey: as he lacks a good craic bone.
"
"in your lunch pail, roast rat's what you'll get,
with a soggy ox penis baguette,
birdspit soup and dried tripe.
""dinner bucket?"", you'll gripe,
""never wed asian brides off the net!""
"
"is that cap there your cylinder head?
at full stroke, does it swell, go deep red?
when it pumps up and down,
does your piston's hard crown
stay well-oiled, or start grinding instead?
"
"lord of heavens, abraxas, your rule
over god and the devil's too dual.
your cock crown and snake feet,
o great archon, aren't meet
for this pape, just your false gnostic school!
"
"when rome entered your reign, diocletian,
state accretion had changed to depletion.
but you sorted the legions,
taxation and regions
in your split of the latin and grecian.
"
"""help me lord!"" is the opening pleading
in the breviary father is reading.
this canonical chore
might be less of a bore
if he knew there was any god heeding.
"
"evie's lazy ways drove me quite crazy.
butter daisy, if mem'ry ain't hazy,
is the small yellow flower
that o'ergrew her green bower
where she lay in a drowsy fantazy.
"
"mac's plaid flak jacket truly appalls.
it lacks style for those charity balls.
if your dinner suit sucks,
hire black tie, or a tux.
the clan colours you hang 'round your smalls.
"
"in the red, charles could levy a tax
and the gold would weigh heavy in sacks.
but with parliament's win,
there's a commonwealth in.
they've axed chas; and extract cash with acts.
"
"rob's aerobics require him to squat,
but with burpees he farts quite a lot.
as he does his up-downs ?
bell-end bashers ? rob frowns:
was that burp he let wet? time to trot...
"
"to decentralise criminal life:
shut the prisons where gang rule runs rife,
disperse 'hoods, close the courts,
end probation reports.
let's deconcentrate trouble and strife!
"
"if your paunch is a subject of mirth,
which can feed your low urge to disworth,
then dig deep, start again,
get that weight down by ten,
and unearth a rebirth with less girth.
"
"empty pockets and handbags! stand clear!
take off belts, hand up water!  walk here!
show i.d.! wait in there!
the last flight caused a scare,
so we can't let you airside, we fear.
"
"from the bedroom next door comes a shriek.
with acoustic reactance, that's ""eek!""
so a passionate scream,
through a wall, doesn't seem
like a peak ? more a satisfied squeak.
"
"""commie dissidents! peaceniks! we'll see...""
snarled the chief. ""they'll score nix against me.
just for kicks, my top team
plays mean tricks, and we scheme
to unfix their hq: dnc.""
"
"""if i may,"" said the diplomat, ""list
the main terms now agreed. here's the gist:
we eschew tit-for-tat.
i cede this. you yield that.""
thus diplomatists velvet the fist.
"
"from the french for a tooth comes dentelle:
lacey binding on books, and, as well ?
it's quite delicate cr?pes.
plus, to add to its rep:
a fine lace on the bras of bold belles.
"
"some roads in old ireland are narrow:
boreens around hillock and barrow.
one winds from knockree
down past ballynashee
to the sea?not that far for a sparrow.
"
"cut your speed and shunt right, then advance.
let it feed, keep it tight, take no chance.
when the down train has passed,
you reverse at long last,
'til your backbone's the tunnel to france.
"
"a, e, i, o or u, in some cases,
can be dropped by employing a crasis,
if you wish to combine
two vowels to refine
words that seem a trace graceless in places.
"
"""mummy, mikey is being a pain!""
""mummy, mikey is being a pain!""
""he's a copycat, mum!""
""he's a copycat, mum!""
""just stop it!  you'll drive me insane!""
"
"check activity?strong, doesn't flop?
has a pulse? and his heart will not stop?
does he grimace and blink?
his appearance is pink?
he's respiring? his apgar is top.
"
"my ma-in-law's lemon meringue
had a nasty aluminous tang.
she had gotten mixed up
and she'd used half a cup:
baking soda, not cornflour?dang!
"
"a cryoprecipitate, pete,
forms when plasma is cold, not in heat.
it's solid in state
and contains factor viii.
it's count dracula's summertime treat.
"
"for casual, the outfit's a shirt,
comfy jeans, and some shoes that don't hurt.
for business, a suit
lets you dress gender-neut,
and for party?  a seven-inch skirt.
"
"when it comes to delicious creations,
take a tip from the colourful haitians.
their seafoody gumbo
has shrimp that are jumbo,
crabs, crawfish and other crustaceans.
"
"a castle survives confrontation
if its walls have a solid foundation
and their tops have the knobs
where you shoot at the mobs.
(those up-and-down bits?  crenellation.)
"
"low-temperature-gauging thermometers
are specialised ones; they're cryometers.
(they're not used to measure
the screams of your ""treasure""
which resound within fourteen kilometres.)
"
"it's too sunny and hot here, i think.
it tastes like there's pee in my drink.
the room is too small,
with no sea view at all,
and i wish you weren't here, 'cause you stink.
"
"the silence: not golden?alarming!
and my paint-covered son looks disarming.
but i really don't mind
the marked wall, 'cause i find
(when they come from his hand) some prints charming.
"
"this republic will go to the polls,
democratically vote civic roles
for our choices to lead;
to make laws; and to bleed
us with taxes, and duties, and tolls.
"
"a funicular railway's ok
as a well-stationed means to convey.
but my workplace requires
a connection with wires:
cable terminal links, without sway.
"
"yeah, that yahweh guy sure is most puissant.
if you fail to obey, like malfeasant
hebrew aaron, you're faulted.
sodom burned. lot's wife: salted.
no, you don't want to be disobeisant!
"
"i don't care if they think i'm a sage.
i've no hair, and i stink, and i gauge
from the medical aid
i'm now deadly decayed.
how i rage at my ravaging age!
"
"british white is a rare breed of cattle.
snowy-furred and red-eared, 'twas a chattel
of great worth to the gael,
for its birth as a male
could give rise to much bull and more battle.
"
"my displacement activity's led
by the choices and tasks that i dread.
should i wed? phone the bank?
clean the head? i go blank.
so, instead, i watch movies in bed.
"
"to the french, an excess is  de trop.
as if that weren't enough, they may throw
'?a suffit!' in your face
if you speak out of place.
'nuffalready!' might be the bon mot.
"
"for the jews there was one eastern state
which acknowledged their right to create
their own place without fear
in a tolerant sphere.
yes: iran, under cyrus the great.
"
"watch that anglo-arabian prance!
i would bet that he'll win, with that stance.
but i lost all my bread
on the last, by a head.
any chance you'd extend an advance?
"
"if her peepers are open real wide,
is she doe-eyed or dough-eyed, your bride?
is she dear, or ""oh, dear!""?
or to make it more clear:
big-eyed bambi or jekyll and hyde?
"
"no, those buffalo nuts ain't insane,
nor deranged, running crazed on the plain.
these wild shrubs with drupe fruits
drink from other plants' roots ?
great for bison to graze without rein.
"
"sectarian hatred strikes back:
""those muslims are devils, souls black.
when their books have been burned
they should all be interned.""
happy 'burn a koran day', barack!
"
"the squire of the manor's uncivil,
dark looks making maidens' heads swivel,
the heroine's busty,
her rescuer lusty ?
is it fiction to call this pulp drivel?
"
"have you got this old platter in stock,
with a pattern to match granny's smock?
i would guess it's quite cheap,
so your price can't be steep.
heck, this crock's really nothing but schlock.
"
"there's a find near the old temple block;
to the site archaeologists flock.
is this mine filled with ewers?
look, a jar still endures ?
check the symbol of chac on this crock!
"
"look! the emperor has fine hairy down.
why, his tailor is squarely a clown
who is having a laugh on us:
a gown so diaphanous
it's see-through, this suit of renown!
"
"when the kanzler of deutschland, pro tem,
is seen laughing with britain's p.m.,
it reminds both these nations
anglo-german relations
will be judged by the times, not by them.
"
"with a band of green, yellow and red
gripping whorls of wild knots all outspread,
rastafari wear dreadlocks
(bob marley-like head locks)
crimped for cred, not for comfort in bed.
"
"through the ruhr, reg from reading rode shermans.
the war over, he wed into wermanns.
this determined the term
for his sons, i confirm:
fritz and hermann became anglo-germans.
"
"anglo-german d?tente's a description
that was buried with great war conscription.
when the kaiser and king
lost their cousinly thing,
the result was a bloody conniption.
"
"i like comics to tickle my chuckle bone,
but for white-knuckle rolls i play huckle bone.
sheep anklebone dice
known as cockals entice,
wildly flung with a flick of my knuckle bone.
"
"when i bung you a wad for your squad,
they will lose! or, so help me... er... god,
from my wrath you will spin.
do the math: if they win,
your cold feet with cement shall be shod.
"
"flights of stairs with a turn like a vee
and no well, but a landing, would be
a quite aptly named spot
for a pooch to be caught;
both are dog-legged. one's taking a pee.
"
"slimy gleba attracts greedy flies
to dog stinkhorn, like cows' sleepy eyes.
dark-tipped phallus-shaped fungus
grows in groups, not humungous;
come winter, it withers and dies.
"
"there's a force in the star wars cosmology
that lets jedi control space psychology.
they can spy in your mind,
yet to sidious they're blind:
story nonsense we gaels call codology.
"
"aerobiologically speaking, a breeze
can carry pollutants and ease
the transmission of spores.
with that head cold of yours,
when you sneeze, i am breathing disease.
"
"though the d?il's constitutional drafter,
like madison, ?amon ruled after ?
revolutionary president,
in our 'white house' twice resident,
loved as leader, and hated as shafter.
"
"with a slip, slide and swish, flowing free (ick!),
i've a run which is quite diarrhoeic.
bubbly brown, plopping poo
dribbling down to my shoe:
is this crap onomato-poo-eic?
"
"man's connatural instinct to gibber
evolved to a spiel so much glibber.
it delivered a pair
who work scams at the fair:
al's a con; bert, a natural fibber.
"
"the scholastic's demand was bombastic:
""ecclesiastic reform must be drastic.
there'll be no latin mass,
and to heaven no 'pass'.
dump the pope! let's be iconoclastic!""
"
"said the king, ""of my chiefs, you're the pearl;
i accord you the title of earl.
you will rule over men,""
(as all people were then)
""so, my lord, you may not be a girl.""
"
"first the doc makes me take an emetic,
then a sodium-based  choleretic
to deliver more bile
from my liver. the while,
all i live for is more anaesthetic.
"
"billy jean had an epicene form:
his full breasts didn't fit the male norm.
so he scheduled an op,
and soon after the chop,
was assigned to the senior girls' dorm.
"
"robert ballard explores undersea.
there he tracked the titanic's debris
to the site of the wreck,
where, now, looters he'd check
by decree ? if the world could agree.
"
"rob the mob? can you figure our wrath?
count on grief if you now cross our path.
to avoid a pursuit,
you'll return all our loot.
don't get cute ? pay or die! do the math!
"
"irish chieftains swore fealty as earls,
but to bess they would always be churls.
the intent of this tudor:
assent that accrued her
their lands, where her flag she unfurls.
"
"it's no shock when  ball over  appears
in a series of web links. one fears
online lexicons' spiders
are spelling misguiders,
spinning purses from verbal sows' ears.
"
"when one-elled, cuculus means ""fowl"";
spelt with two ells, cucullus is ""cowl"".
but cucullllus with four ells?
what the 'ell? any more ells
and a yell may be spelled as a howlllll.
"
"as my bottom sinks into the bath,
it seems density's all that it hath.
*splash* eureka! i've aced:
it's the volume displaced.
am i watching my weight? do the math!
"
"high-walled compound with hideaway pad,
said the ad, in safe abbottabad,
where the climate is ace,
near a top army base.
thought bin laden, ""nice spot for jihad.""
"
"on this blue day my mood is blue, too...
perhaps a new dress of that hue
or an e-mail from out
of the blue that's about
a few blue jokes that aren't very blue?
"
"the alveoli work in your lung
by exchanging the gases among
the blood, as it flows,
and the breaths the lung blows.
when they're damaged by smoke, you die young.
"
"sclerosis of arteries means
you're skipping your peas and your beans;
instead, it's the meats
or fatty-filled treats.
you can't even put on your jeans!
"
"my son always clings to his blanky ?
how cute?so i'm grabbing my hanky!
he hugs it all night,
but i've only one fright?
will this change when he's lean, tall, and lanky?
"
"for a shake that's the best that you've had,
take two scoops of some ice cream and add
some banana or berry,
or chocolate or cherry;
add milk and then blend it like mad.
"
"the anti-infectives are used
when the victim's poor body's abused
by multiple critters
that give me the jitters.
de-bug me!  i'm not so amused!
"
"there once was an ass from nantucket
who ate all his hay from a bucket,
and when the ass brayed,
his lust was displayed...
(but the obvious rhyme? i must duck it!)
"
"the anatomist said with a smile,
""i'll beguile you with facts about bile!
here's its purpose: to bind
all the fats it can find,
once it's stored in a bladder awhile.""
"
"your doc by mistake has excised
the lenses your eyes have so prized.
you now are aphakic,
and surely you may kick
that surgeon?who's awfully despised!
"
"your baby blue eyes are enticing ?
so warm that their color's de-icing!
they're dazzling and true,
and they say ""i love you!""
(except when you're mad ? then they're slicing!)
"
"to nurture's a big love of mine
because cancer's my zodiac sign.
yet the word is unsettling,
and though i hate meddling,
the crab's name should change to benign!
"
"azotemia's protein collecting
cuz the kidneys aren't good at perfecting.
the glomerular filter
is so out of kilter,
his frost-colored skin is reflecting!
"
"when immunity's low it's expected
our body may well be infected
with feared aspergillus:
this fungus could kill us ?
amphotericin b is selected!
"
"boards of nursing will promulgate rules
to regulate nurses and schools.
while most nurses are wonderful,
some can be blunderful.
boards, then, protect you from fools!
"
"""if you think i am going to take
your insults..."" [...you make a mistake].
that rhet'ric device
is the overconcise
anapodoton ? no, it's not fake!
"
"a booty-full lass, mrs. fidgous
had wished she were more callipygous.
the surgeon was crass,
as he slaughtered her ass.
now our patient is highly litigious!
"
"please stop screeching, my sweet little dears!
that cacophony's hurting my ears!
your unmusical screams,
making nightmares of dreams,
are what's driving your parents to tears!
"
"though jewish, i envy your easter;
on cadbury eggs i'm a feaster.
they're chocolate and smooth,
and my mood they will soothe.
(but they'll add too much weight to my keister!)
"
"while assonance isn't a rhyme,
i'm confused by that much of the time.
does word rhyme with girl?
can i give it a whirl?
or would editors find it a crime?
"
"a breath's when you're drawing in air,
or you're blowing it out; but don't dare
to breathe out in my face,
as the smell's a disgrace.
bowser, chew on that bone over there!
"
"look above to the beautiful skies
and into my daughter's blue eyes:
because azure's my favorite
of colors ? i savor it.
but...send back those moldy blue fries!
"
"the brits might use bitty for small,
describing an elf who's not tall,
vermouth for martinis,
or itsy bikinis.
(don't call your man bitty at all!)
"
"my brother's a terrible tease;
he takes all my things with no ""please.""
he's a brat on attack!
""now, give me that back!
i'm gonna tell mom on you...geez!""
"
"when women go out for a munch,
the bill's quite a mess after lunch:
""i had an iced tea!""
""no salad for me!""
""i'll be paying too much, i've a hunch!""
"
"some poor s.o.b., name of seth,
very nearly was frightened to death
when a bleb in his lung
unexpectedly sprung,
and resulted in shortness of breath.
"
"my mom says i shouldn't say bust
as past tense of break...that i must
say it broke or it's broken.
(though sometimes when jokin'
i'll talk of big busts with such lust!)
"
"our daughter's a big legal star:
she's passed the exam for the bar!
she now is judicial,
and truly official.
they'll pay her to argue and spar!
"
"when movement's not under control,
you can't rock to the music or roll.
we call it apraxia;
it surely will tax ya.
this condition is not very droll!
"
"tomorrow's my sweet baby's bris.
(that foreskin he'll surely not miss.)
the mohel'll be snipping;
my boy'll be yipping...
i'll give him a hug and a kiss.
"
"assanka's a very rare word
only used by the brainiest nerd.
it's 10 to a power
so big it can tower
to 63 zeros ? absurd!
"
"to beget means to sire a new tot.
(procreation, a small thing it's not.)
though for now i'm not sweating
when i'll get to begetting,
i'd still like to be getting a lot.
"
"at the pub it was liam who stirred
to go over and chat up this bird.
as his flattery grew,
she most certainly knew
that was nothing but blarney she'd heard.
"
"it's by birth that i speak with a drawl,
and my zambia trip is this fall.
i try hard to learn bemba,
but just can't rememba
the bantu inflection for y'all.
"
"if attacks on your post should descend,
from the blockhouse you'll surely defend.
many gun ports along
with its walls, thick and strong,
make a bastion on which you'll depend.
"
"the almoravid dynasty's reign
covered mainly morocco and spain.
their faith was severe,
and their fashion austere:
in the main, they preferred their reign plain.
"
"if they forced edward's army to turn
back to england, their freedom they'd earn.
though the scots were outmanned,
bruce had brilliantly planned
their brave win by the strand bannockburn.
"
"so you sail from biscayne to key west.
with the wind in your face, that's some test.
to make way, you must tack
first to port, starboard back,
for it's beating to windward that's best.
"
"we've just signed a bilateral treaty
so we don't go to war with tahiti.
we opt not to invade
to secure our joint trade:
we'll get coconuts cheap and send ziti.
"
"we hear terms used for ""man"" everywhere,
such as ""dude"", or that ""chap""?even ""br'er"".
but you'll feel like an ass
as she knocks down your pass,
""no, i fancy that bloke over there.""
"
"i drove down to the mall, this i swear,
for a duplicate key as a spare.
""have you got the right blank?""
you could see his gears crank,
but the only thing blank was his stare.
"
"back and forth in the courtroom i trudge,
doing tasks no mere clerk would begrudge:
lugging records and files
(legal piles) over miles,
in the aisles of the law, judged a drudge.
"
"as the tribesmen blew open our gate,
yelled the dragoman, ""i can translate.""
but a blow to his head
left him dead, as he said
far too late, ""it would seem they're irate.""
"
"the atlantic ? a seafight arena
where war with the u-boat hyena
was waged in the air
on a wing and a prayer.
see that bird? it's the great catalina.
"
"the irish may seem desultorious
in sending her happy and glorious;
though many are keen
to wave flags at the queen,
deciding ""which flag?"" is laborious.
"
"round his new model army he planned;
so king charles had no chance to withstand.
warts and all, cromwell's mission
ensured the transition
to rule by mps in the land.
"
"watch her majesty travel the world
as the commonwealth flags are unfurled!
for all fifty-four nations,
as its head ? to ovations ?
she keeps her coiffed crown crisply curled.
"
"how i slave hand and foot serving treats,
fetching slippers and ironing sheets!
as your dogsbody, hired
to obey 'til dog-tired,
i need more than two paws between feats.
"
"first off, ab-  might seem drab, or not on.
it's not fab, but this prefix (not con-)
can leave some words intact
which, with ab- off, have lacked
the full sense of that word, thus foregone.
"
"hegel taught dialectical thought.
then materialism was brought
by karl marx. this solution
sparked red revolution:
justice sought; theory wrought; class wars fought.
"
"'save our church'? your appeal is just bats.
in the lurch. no bells peal. filled with rats.
no, deconsecrate, vicar.
make a buck that way, quicker.
sell unholy conversions to flats!
"
"armadillos are tough little creatures:
heavy armor is one of their features.
their breath they can hold
underwater, we're told,
""and don't eat them raw,"" say our teachers!
"
"while i sat in the beauty salon,
that bitch snatched my louis vuitton!
the dastard is cunning,
but, as she is running,
impeccable taste she will don!
"
"in the morning my husband will dawdle:
""the newspaper says that this fraud'll
put hundreds in jail.""
""come on, hon,"" i wail.
""hurry up or i'll kick your cute caudal!""
"
"the organ where feces go rollin'
(or sometimes they slowly go strollin')
absorbs and reclaims,
and it carries the names
of the greater intestine or colon.
"
"taking candy (""it's easy"") from babies?
what a saying! it's wrong, with no ""maybes""!
babies clutch it like leeches;
their cries, screams, and screeches,
match conniptions of mad dogs with rabies!
"
"when women cohabit and then
they say there's no sexual yen,
it's called boston marriage;
i doubt that the carriage
of concepts like this is for men!
"
"chicago's my town and i love it!
its beauty and culture i covet.
new yorkers all say,
""we are best...all the way,""
but chicagoans sneer, saying ""shove it!""
"
"dental caries are sometimes quite painful;
for my dentist they're frequently gainful.
first he drills, then he fills,
then come burdensome bills.
of his greed i am rather disdainful!
"
"the abdomen often protrudes
from eating high-calorie foods.
obesity's here;
it's everyone's fear.
more exercise, dieting, dudes!
"
"cerumen builds up in your ear;
this wax can affect what you hear.
if you dig it or smoosh it,
you'll probably push it:
otologists hate that, my dear!
"
"ablation's an int'resting word
for ""precision excision,"" i've heard.
""ablate!"" said the surgeon.
""her hormones are surgin'!
it looks like my golf's been deferred.""
"
"though begging the question's a phrase
that means to evade, not to raise,
the question at hand,
we should still understand
that it's used incorrectly these days.
"
"asperger's syndrome does share
several symptoms with autism where
interaction's affected
and friendship's rejected ?
the cause of a parent's despair.
"
"a. baumannii threatens to fill us:
it's a common aerobic bacillus.
since available drugs
cannot weaken these bugs,
just a lungful could possibly kill us.
"
"epicaricacy is a word
that is currently used by a nerd:
""taking joy in misfortune.""
the word that i'm torchin',
schadenfreude, will soon be interred!
"
"boanthropy: a mental disease
where the victim, as big as you please,
behaves like an ox
and repeatedly shocks
all his friends as he hauls away trees!
"
"analgesics eliminate pains.
overdoses degenerate brains.
they're needed for buffering
aches one is suffering,
but never for pains that one feigns.
"
"to write one that's right is a plight;
that dactyl that's doubled's not trite!
the irony is,
in the dactyly biz,
to create this light verse is a fight!
"
"the news from my doc was traumatic;
my lungs are now atelectatic
cuz the sacs have collapsed;
ventilation has lapsed.
my oxygen need is emphatic!
"
"i always take blankie with me,
while sleeping or climbing a tree.
my mom calls it ""schmatte"" ?
a rag with a lotta
worn edges and tatters, you see.
"
"thomas becket knew henry as friend
and his king, to whose tasks he'd attend.
as archbishop his see
fought to keep the church free
from the crown, and that led to his end.
"
"boudoir is the name of a spot
whose mere mention gets men really hot.
that this term of such grace
means in french: ""sulking-place"",
i believe may explain quite a lot.
"
"thomas bowdler's the source of the name
for the action by which he gained fame.
from each play he removed
words that weren't child-approved.
bawdy shakespeare just wasn't the same.
"
"those bignonia vines can climb trees
and your fence with the greatest of ease.
it's a plant some will groom
for the trumpet-shaped bloom,
but regret once they're caught in its squeeze.
"
"a biased glass belt (or steel wire)
protects against punctures so dire.
at a slant to the tread,
it stops flats that we dread.
without it, you'd have to re-tire.
"
"when balboa first saw the pacific,
his claim made for spain was terrific.
but he'd stolen command,
which was not as spain planned,
so the court chopped his head ? quite horrific.
"
"in this furnace, an air blast removes
imperfections; the ore it improves.
as slag floats to the top,
molten metal will drop
to be cast into pigs without hooves.
"
"this stupid fat bastard just sat
on my stetson; his lard squashed it flat.
well, his face has been socked,
now i'll get the crown blocked
to reshape my most favorite hat.
"
"were it used about kids in the dirt,
to begrime couldn't possibly hurt.
but to sully a name
is a dangerous game,
for with slander and libel you flirt.
"
"your bewitchery casts a strong spell
of sheer magic on me since i fell.
the enchantment i feel
is sublime, but unreal.
if i'm lost, that's just fine. this is swell.
"
"a colour-fast pigment in paint
that won't fade in the sun and get faint:
cadmium yellow
is sunny and mellow.
it's sulfide, with barium taint.
"
"mum sent me to college to wed.
""get a bachelor?a rich one!"" she said.
i studied computers
(and first-person shooters)
and bachelor-hunted instead!
"
"superman stands in his tight-
fitting costume; a modern-day knight.
he runs faster than sound,
and soars high above ground
(capabilities:  speeding and flight).
"
"i am opened, my innards laid bare.
surgeons slice, and they cut, and they tear...
oh, my precious wee son,
now your life has begun!
so then why does it seem so unfair?
"
"i coughed and i coughed and i hacked,
till my husband's calm countenance cracked.
""what a dreadful cacophony!
your cough will hack off a knee!""
true!  i hacked his off, in fact.
"
"said my teacher, adjusting his specs,
""a non-parallel line intersects...""
here he seemed quite complacent.
""two angles, adjacent,
share a point, and a side, in the x.""
"
"where should barium sulfate lay blame
for having much more than one name?
it's heavy spar, barite,
barytes and baryte.
they're many, but all mean the same.
"
"i know babies deserve the best food.
i educate, help, but am booed.
i'm a breastfeeding activist
a.k.a. lactivist,
or boob nazi. (folks can be rude!)
"
"the detective drove fast in the car chase.
he smoked out the infamous scarface
by grilling the sinner
in who burned the dinner??
a difficult mystery char case.
"
"of the furniture-makers, i'm best.
twelve benches, eight tables, a chest:
in a day i'll deliver,
but please won't you give a
poor cabinetmaker a rest!
"
"all through life it was deadlines mike mocked,
but this time his huge ego was rocked.
his blank look, as he stared,
matched the page; he was scared.
as anxiety flared, he was blocked.
"
"past the pecos, the legends report,
his saloon came to serve as the court.
with his gun and one book,
no debate would he brook.
judge roy bean brought 'em peace, of a sort.
"
"at the embassy fete my dreams shrank;
i'd been moved to the rear on the flank.
the glib protocol dude
in review was too rude,
""the new seat more befitted your rank.""
"
"afflatus is god's revelation
of holy, divine inspiration.
treat such knowledge with care
whose receipt is so rare,
oft delivered within conflagration.
"
"the five boroughs have chutzpah to spare:
there's ""da bronx""; suave manhattan has flair;
a world's fair held in queens;
brooklyn's team-razzing scenes;
staten island's the one over there.
"
"though i'm bone tired and feeling quite sick,
since you're here, there's a bone i must pick
with you, as your kid
threw a rock and then hid.
fix the glass.  as for him, use this stick.
"
"the boston tea party's a spree
brought about by a boycott of tea.
sons of liberty chose
as disguise, mohawk clothes,
and these ""injuns"" tossed crates in the sea.
"
"i'm familiar with fowl that range free,
but these birds all lay under one tree.
i asked, ""why are they grounded?""
the farmer expounded,
""these chickens are boneless, you see.""
"
"back when horses were used every day,
the bobolink found lots of hay.
but as grasslands recede,
so do homes these birds need.
their decline is a source of dismay.
"
"when you're ready to ship all that freight,
then the bill of your lading must state
to which port it shall sail,
plus the terms in detail,
with a list of each crate and its weight.
"
"patsy cline's voice gradation was fine
as she climbed from all-hell to divine.
with the scale as a spectrum,
and that larynx the plectrum,
her cline ran to 9.99999999999...
"
"chance the gardener, a clod, apeing piety,
by his blankness could calm high anxiety.
being there is a joke
on impressionable folk
and the hole at the heart of society.
"
"what's that black magic woman got there?
a stone amulet hangs 'twixt her pair.
what's it speak? sneak a peek!
seek abraxas in greek.
does she bear it to scare, or for prayer?
"
"look, young kent has no get-up-and-go!
it's that kryptonite's deadly green glow.
if a crystal's dichroic,
clark can act all heroic;
as it's two-hued, not one, he's gung ho!
"
"smokeless fire, its dynamic formation ?
not of earth, this islamic creation.
like an angel, a djinn
can protect us from sin,
or as shaitan, inflame with temptation.
"
"on the drink since the enterprise docked,
in this spirit transporter i'm locked.
klingon blood wine was handy,
as was saurian brandy.
(one more romulan ale and i'm crocked.)
"
"""where'd the earthenware shard come from, doc?
perhaps persian or greek, this curved crock?
i'm for an amphora
or roman urn, or a...""
""this is china, my boy; that's a wok.""
"
"county prison food's served up with style:
a loose patty of p?t?, a pile
of stewed veggies, heaped jelly,
and a collop of deli,
while slopped dollops of mash hide the file.
"
"there was something about uncle vlad
made our villagers fear they'd been had.
his fanged teeth, long black cape?
puncture marks on the nape?
what possessed them to think vlad was bad?
"
"your jalopy has hit its last rock;
the suspension is shot from the shock.
if the model was classy,
i'd purchase the chassis.
instead, here's my bill for the crock.
"
"to retain the smooth skin that's desired,
at the spa, it's in mud you're attired.
if your friends should ask how
(though you act like a sow),
it's more chic to reply, ""i'm bemired.""
"
"little cayman's the site of ""the wall"".
it's as deep as famed k2 is tall.
but despite all you know,
watching rays fly below
makes you wish to let go, and just fall.
"
"to explore in large ships was proved daft.
lighter ships were the key.  shallow draft
let them sail close to shore,
search new rivers and more.
nimble caravels ? class of these craft.
"
"my new stepson belongs below ground,
or in straitjackets constantly bound.
my wife hopes we will bond
and with time i'll grow fond,
but i'm fond of the dreams where he's drowned.
"
"there are times, when a film's on the screen,
a celebrity strolls through a scene.
that's a cameo role,
which is thought to be droll,
but for hitchcock was normal routine.
"
"a capacitor's job is to stow
an electrical charge from the flow,
so when motors won't budge,
they give start-up a nudge.
check on this when cold air doesn't blow.
"
"very funny.  you bastard, you lied.
that's a chilli; my lips are now fried.
on the life of your child
you swear capsicum's mild.
one more joke: it's your fault that he died.
"
"i just talked with the vet 'bout old sam.
""not to fret,"" he said, ""over each gram.""
no catastrophe, dear,
but the doc was quite clear.
""you can't stop this cat's atrophy, ma'am.""
"
"one peruvian mob has gained sway
through owl artifacts smuggled away.
they've no other pursuits:
the whole gang's in cahoots
just to loot incan hoots for top pay.
"
"don't confuse a sachet with cachet.
if a sweet-smelling pouch had a way
to confer select status,
this charmed apparatus
would cost just what faust had to pay.
"
"father's titled, with properties grand,
yet i've murdered with this very hand.
when i drowned her in mud
the corruption of blood
meant i won't get my family's land.
"
"our counterintelligence: strong.
subversive activities: wrong.
we detect and take actions
'gainst enemy factions
with countersubversion.  so long!
"
"from the blueprints on this spaniard's desk
came flourishes florid, grotesque.
this fashion baroque
was named after the bloke
(the buildings are churrigueresque).
"
"cream butter and sugar, eggs too.
add flour and stir into goo.
add choc chips aplenty
and bake it for twenty.
it's chocolate chip cookies, for you!
"
"he's a consummate lover, with skill
that has set her alight with a thrill.
then this consummate liar,
whose pants are on fire,
says, ""i'll call you tomorrow. i will!""
"
"consider your arm, and then bend it;
initiate motion, then end it.
your biceps' contraction
is causing the action;
the triceps is used to extend it.
"
"i know could not's contraction is couldn't;
some others are i'm, can't and shouldn't.
changing it is to it's?
join it up, and lose bits.
(do you think that this limerick is goodn't?)
"
"
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"
"if you're pregnant and baby is due,
then the easiest labour for you
is when babe's upside-down
and presents with his crown
to the world.  a cephalic debut!
"
"dad's brother is not very well;
once robust, now a pitiful shell.
for my elderly uncle jean's
cellular oncogenes
mutated.  cancer is hell.
"
"a fire truck (fire appliance)
is a wonder of practical science.
it quenches a fire
in town, in a shire,
with (hopefully) constant reliance.
"
"i should have been much more alert,
when the flowerpot fell, 'cause the dirt,
garden compost and plants,
soiled my shoes and my pants,
rosie's skirt and my shirt (and it hurt).
"
"i'm annoyed, i'm enraged, i'm incensed,
'cause my freedom is rather condensed.
see, i got in the way
of some coppers one day,
so i'm locked up?in other words, fenced.
"
"i'm preparing a marketing flyer
for a product that smokers desire.
it will read ""pipes of clay
break or crumble away,
so, dear buyer, your best bet's a briar!""
"
"henry morgenthau ventured to say:
""if we want to keep germans at bay,
deindustrialisation
of such a bad nation
would take their foundation away.""
"
"in a footrace i had with a cop,
i got lucky ? avoided a flop.
just how'd i evade him?
red stop lights delayed him:
out of habit, he felt he should stop.
"
"the term foster mother means one
who raises a daughter or son
of someone else who
passed away, or withdrew
from this task, or had never begun.
"
"an obsolete word is this fon,
meaning ""fool"", like my dear old friend don.
it can also mean ""foolish"",
but not ""mulish"" or ""ghoulish""
(like john, whom i picked up in bonn).
"
"that flatlet (a flat that is small)
is too small, i must say, overall,
than i'd need for the bedding
of guests at my wedding?
they'd be packed head to toe, wall to wall!
"
"coastal promontory, headland, or cape:
that's a foreland, whatever its shape.
at north foreland in kent
there's  a lighthouse?i went
on a trip there and had a good gape.
"
"in reaction to hubris and knavery,
she fought to escape roman slavery.
boudica's tribe's loss
at the site of kings cross
is remembered for fierceness and bravery.
"
"louis armstrong, this cat had cool chops;
he was ""satchmo"". his trumpet was tops.
he invented jazz singing
with vocals so swinging
that ella revered him as ""pops"".
"
"alprazolam helps to bring peace
when anxiety simply won't cease.
but take care how it's used,
for it's often abused.
once you're hooked there's no easy release.
"
"a. g. bell had a second invention
that's now causing severe apprehension.
he cut sound onto disc
with no hint of the risk.
adults pray now for hearing retention.
"
"carambola?  it's no latin virus.
it's a fruit that as kids we'd acquire us.
it is shaped like a star,
like the one on the car
that gave chase and we thought would expire us.
"
"if warrants to you have been sent,
if tithes for the church you have spent,
if you binge on the fringe,
and impinge without twinge,
the sum of these traits means you're bent.
"
"this hip dude, from l.a., had been searchin'
for a bark-hulled canoe to catch perch in.
shallow draft, all-wood frame:
""just the best!"" he'd exclaim.
""it's, like, got to be totally birchen.""
"
"in the bilge, let's be frank, you're deep-sixed.
as a berth, it's too dank, so that's nixed.
should you store something there,
it will rot past repair.
once it's bilged, it's too rank to be fixed.
"
"if it's on the titanic you sail,				
with a life vest of handwoven mail,
when that ship starts to leak,
and it's rescue you seek,
you will come to know bleak without fail.
"
"in china, the boxers rebelled;
under siege, foreign embassies held.
to relieve their legations
in peking, eight nations
sent troops: the rebellion was quelled.
"
"when the federalist party first won,
the u.s. had just barely begun.
mr. hamilton, readers,
was one of their leaders.
when monroe was the prez they were done.
"
"a fire door's made of some kind
of unburnable matter. you'll find
that such a door stops
any fire which pops
or springs up from before or behind.
"
"a footboy (boy servant or page)
for her home my aunt hoped to engage,
but when i volunteered,
she insultingly sneered,
""you are useless and lacking in age.""
"
"the filename i've chosen is swell
and describes the file's contents quite well.
the file's saved on my mac
and called people-to-track;
if you're listed, i'd rather not tell.
"
"jeannie's child from ch?teau-la-valli?re
(european and french) and raised there
at a jesuit school,
neither genius nor fool:
pierre (that's me) chevalier de taillefer.
"
"my parents' forbiddance was clear:
""this girl is not nearly your peer!
if you marry her, fine?
that's the end of the line!""
(we got married the following year.)
"
"the forces we call the armed forces
cost money and lots of resources?
their aircraft and trucks
are worth millions of bucks.
(in the past they had had only horses.)
"
"electric meters invariably measure
electric energy used. it's no pleasure
to be charged a high bill,
which revoltingly will
zap a shocking amount of your treasure.
"
"""what's a fortnight?"" the yankee asked me,
in whose country quinzaine that would be.
then an englishman speaks,
""why, a fortnight's two weeks?
fourteen nights in a row, don't you see?""
"
"the excreta that hit me (called fecula)
from above, on the isle of benbecula,
were a nasty surprise,
and i do not surmise
they were heaven-sent. no, they were secular.
"
"for the game ? usa versus france ?
the bilateral rules took this stance:
since the french could not pass,
the yanks showed real class:
just by lateral would they advance.
"
"in this ploy, with the union's full backing,
all the goods from one firm they weren't packing.
those crates were not moved
till the steward approved.
in a labor dispute, it's called blacking.
"
"there are times blench means ""blanch"", to turn white,
as you might from a fright in the night.
its main meaning: draw back,
or just flinch, from a lack
of the guts to face fear or to fight.
"
"his board of directors said, ""act!""
(their demeanor was lacking in tact.)
he cut costs to the bone
and applied for a loan,
but he knew in his bones, he'd be sacked.
"
"when he studies these cells, he's aghast
at the number my blood has amassed.
my physician is sad:
""your leukemia's bad.""
(gotta say having blasts ain't a blast.)
"
"in the groups at the skivvies convention,
the debate was the first thing they'd mention.
""could boxers be brief?""
only caused a huge beef
that became a big bone of contention.
"
"maestro brahms is the third of the b's.
d concerto's been used by a. keys.
many judged him a jerk.
ludwig's bust watched him work.
his great lullaby's soft as a breeze.
"
"maladaptive behavior is due
to conditioning gone quite askew.
to change undesirable
into something inspirable.
b-mod therapy might be for you.
"
"as a word in that great aussie song,
to dismiss it as nonsense is wrong;
it's an outback-style well.
though the water's not swell,
to the billabong creatures can throng.
"
"the tribes of the berbers once spread
over all from sahara to med.
in the muslims' great quest
to push far to the west,
their vast army by berbers was led.
"
"i'm a loyal, proud first-generation
french lady. my mum is croatian.
she married my dad,
an australian lad.
(they're citizens, via migration.)
"
"i admire your meter and rhyme,
which make all of your limericks chime,
make 'em glitter and shine,
nothing short of divine?
their fineness is simply sublime.
"
"a young woman (a girl, or a fille),
the other day, called out to me:
""excuse me, young fella.
can i use your umbrella?
i'm trying to fight off a bee!""
"
"diapositives, also called slides,
are photographs; round all four sides
there's a stiff little frame.
viewing each is your aim,
as through a projector it glides.
"
"edmund clerihew bentley, for me,
can certainly claim it was he
(as a poet quite merry) who
invented the clerihew,
whose rhymes run  aa and bb.
"
"a keen encyclopaedist am i,
as i write encyclopaedias. why?
it widens our knowledge
like courses at college?
today or perhaps by and by.
"
"my first name is french (it's jean-pierre),
not exciting, i herewith declare.
but my surname shows whence
i'm descended, and hence
i can say i'm jean-pierre de taillefer.
"
"in feudal times, rulers (kings, queens)
who had vassals (like knights, bishops, deans)
would enfeoff them with land
or with property, and
thus promote them to men of some means.
"
"when gramophone records were hip,
the a-side would usually grip
the ears of my brother
much more than the other,
the b-side (or flip side or flip).
"
"fluid ounce:  it's one fifth of a gill.
take twenty of them, and you will
have a pint (says the brit),
and i freely admit
so much whisky is really a thrill.
"
"dissenterism: that's when one enters
the spirits, beliefs of dissenters.
it sounds rather prestigious,
but it's simply religious
and often a matter of venters.
"
"there are many who hold the belief
that sark is now europe's last feoff:
enfeoffed by queen bess
(she was grateful, i'd guess),
one de carteret was made the new chief.
"
"my homemade new euro coins failed;
where they need to be flat, they're engrailed.
this led to some fury
with the judge and the jury?
i guess i'll be sentenced and gaoled.
"
"this suffix forms adjectives: -fic.
i can name a few words in a tick:
take horrific, morbific,
prolific, terrific.
""making happen"" ? the goal of this trick.
"
"my wood-turning puts me at ease
with a birch or a beech; each of these
has a wood rather fine-grained
and not (like a pine) grained
like many coniferous trees.
"
"the financier almost took pity
on the ""experts"" he found in the city:
""while you're managing millions,
i'm handling trillions.
your budget's a whit, itty-bitty.""
"
"see my fingerbreadth? not very wide.
it's perhaps half an inch side-to-side.
but it fills me with pleasure
that it serves as a measure:
no ruler, but great as a guide.
"
"in england, my home is a flat
(that's rooms on one floor). there's a mat
by the door, for your shoes
or the footwear you use,
and it's often abused by my cat.
"
"the word escript is obsolete for
""any sort of a  writing."" what's more,
it's derived from o.f.
(just like chef, but not clef),
and i know such old words by the score.
"
"""have i made myself clear?"" dad enounced,
so out of the room jimmy flounced;
and with me left behind,
he was much more unkind?
it was poor little me who got trounced.
"
"josh randall hunts men for a price.
keep him off of your trail's my advice.
by the bounty he's led ?
cold, hard cash for each head,
either dead or alive will suffice.
"
"college sports mean big money.  a team
must collect high-school stars, the real cream.
teams recruit the best kind,
since each blue-chipper signed
helps insure the success of their scheme.
"
"the beta type cells found inside
the pancreas islets provide
the insulin feed
as our bodies have need
to control just where carbs should reside.
"
"here's how benzocaine works when hurts reign:
it blocks signals from nerves to the brain.
use for bites or on rash
or when baby's gums gnash
or on burns for relief from the pain.
"
"my judgment is normally sound,
'cept the times when my daughter's around.
though i have a clear mind,
there's one spot that's quite blind.
comes to her, i've no sense to be found.
"
"if a process you need to define,
to each step its own block you assign.
then draw lines to keep straight
how the steps all relate
and thus diagram system design.
"
"colored brindle or fawn, with white paws,
friendly boxers are dogs with square jaws.
they've a face (what a mug!)
that resembles a pug
who's been punched in the ring to applause.
"
"although some would applaud him for bravery,
most have judged john brown's actions unsavory.
from his raids, that all grieved,
grew the war which achieved
his one goal: abolition of slavery.
"
"the new funeral home is quite bright;
the interior's notably light.
to relieve mourners' gloom,
they chose bone for each room.
for their firm, 'twas more apt than off-white.
"
"since they dive in the sea from some height,
the odds they've large brains are quite slight.
called a ""dunce"" by ships' crews
who would add them to stews,
their name booby seems just about right.
"
"i am one of those motor-car fops
(lamborghini, ferrari). the cops
have just caught me for speeding;
to jail they are leading
me. (once i'm encaged, story stops.)
"
"last time at the bookshop i picked
up an etymological dict.,
and it told me that sure
is french-latin segur?
to be sure, it's the first book i nicked.
"
"house in flames? use the fire escape,
before it's too late, and don't gape!
you can climb down a kind
of a staircase behind
the old building and stay in good shape.
"
"the cop on the road flagged me down
(made me stop) as i drove out of town.
apparently thinking
that i had been drinking,
he tested my breath with a frown.
"
"english gothic of decorated style:
ogee arches in chancel and aisle
of a minster or church.
(this is shown by research
i have done. come and see the whole file!)
"
"joan's fleshiness plainly i see:
she's as fat as a boar might well be,
though for me, it won't matter
if she grows even fatter.
but the butcher is worrying me.
"
"tim suffered from encephalitis
and then from acute meningitis,
each from an attack
by a tick on his back?
now he certainly knows what a bite is.
"
"doric stone blocks (as used in a frieze)
had two vertical channels, and these
made each known as a diglyph,
while three made a triglyph?
no more technical stuff, if you please!
"
"a parcel was given to me.
i was curious ? what could it be?
but mum said, ""just rip off
the cord and then strip off
the enwrapment, boy ? then you will see!""
"
"an eleve (pupil or learner)
may not be a genius like turner.
for example, at school,
i liked acting the fool?
joked around, but of work was a spurner.
"
"my patience gets shorter and shorter
when approached by a rabid exhorter.
he incites and appeals
and stays right on your heels,
and talks a lot more than he orter.
"
"""you're really not taking this seriously"",
they said to me, rather imperiously.
when you try to be clever
they mock your endeavour,
but i'm back, writing just as deliriously.
"
"to be late at the tate is quite fashionable,
as is railing at red tape irrationable,
or starting a garden.
while we're at it, beg pardon,
are pugilists busily bashionable?
"
"a tale of a life's  a biography,
sometimes with added photography.
if  written quite well,
and it proves  it will sell,
it's then filmed (with, perhaps, some pornography).
"
"my friends are, at times, i've a hunch,
in some matters, quite out to lunch.
stating poetry's crap!
could earn them a slap.
now oedilf's here, i thank you a bunch.
"
"when anne mentioned this site, my librarian
replied: ""sign me up, my name's marion.""
then i thought to myself:
""hmm, these girls of the shelf
may descend on us. better be wary, anne.""
"
"we are crop-ears, the work of my wife.
yes, my pup and i share this in life.
'twas not through aggression,
but pride of possession.
ain't it nice to be knicked by the knife?
"
"young robert felt bouncy and boisterous.
you might even say, in mood oysterous.
he got overly randy,
which bothered our mandy.
she mewled in a manner most moisturous.
"
"he's lacking in judgement, a goose.
this fathead's a brainpan that's loose.
a twit, catatonic,
a git that's moronic,
any thought he may have is obtuse.
"
"collateral collarbone? no!
i don't think that's the right way to go.
when they come for collection
and rough disconnection,
your suit won't hang right any mo.
"
"at the night club we had a good time
'cause the floor show we saw was sublime:
comedians, magicians,
exquisite musicians,
three jugglers, two clowns, and a mime!
"
"a photographer out in the park
used a flashgun because it was dark.
now a passing dog lies
with his paws on his eyes;
he is dazzled and gives a sad bark.
"
"as a wood-turner i go berserk,
when a person finds fault with my work
though it's flawlessly done:
grooves or scratches? not one!
(such a critic is simply a berk!)
"
"fleet admirals? there aren't any more.
the united states only had four
naval officers hold
this top rank, and i'm told
that they served in the second world war.
"
"in one field event (throwing the discus),
i stumbled and hurt my meniscus.
my sports career's over,
so now i grow clover
and lovely rare strains of hibiscus.
"
"end consumers are customers who
use the things they have bought, like a screw,
or the food that they eat,
which the sellers will treat
as just part of the business they do.
"
"an editor told him today,
""i filed your submissions away
with the trash on the floor,
i mean, safe in the drawer.
will we use them? i really can't say.""
"
"my wife reads my limericks first,
and each time i assume that she'll burst
with laughter. but, no:
""line 5 just doesn't go.""
the results of this field test? i'm cursed.
"
"""deindustrialize germany, mate.
it must be an agrarian state!""
henry morgenthau's plan
(which was not for japan)
was dismantled itself ? what a fate!
"
"this cake's full of tongue-tingling taste.
i devour it with greed and in haste.
as this flavourful titbit
is rich, i'm a nitwit
who loses control of his waist.
"
"andrew carnegie knew that to read
was essential for those who would lead
better lives.  to that end,
many millions he'd spend
building libraries meeting that need.
"
"the shrill howling behind the tall fence
was unsettling; i felt some suspense.
turned out kittens were thrown
at a wall made of stone ?
that they'd caterwaul made perfect sense.
"
"on those days when bad news won't abate,
it's my lady who helps me stay straight.
""disregard all your troubles.
in the bath we'll make bubbles.""
so we cavitate till it is late.
"
"to feel little havana's true beat,
calle ocho's the name of the street
where good food and great fun
have their day in the sun
when its festival raises the heat.
"
"vegas trip, my firm's card ? fate appeared.
the sign read ""get cash here"", which proved weird.
i bought chips from cashiers.
my ex-firm's in arrears.
""get cash here"" is what got me cashiered.
"
"here's my theory on what we've all seen.
when capacitors keep power clean,
they curb times of great flux
(like the prom in a tux).
low capacitance ? curse of the teen?
"
"calibration compares a device
to a standard that's proven precise.
it's how plants can attest
process gear's at its best.
for an audit, no less will suffice.
"
"though the cakewalk might seem to depress
with sad costumes of outrageous dress,
its real style was sublime
and evolved over time
into ragtime ? true grace from duress.
"
"""tell your pal he can't drink in my inn.
he don't move. he don't speak. not a grin.""
""he's from finland.  he's fine.
though he'd rather have wine,
fix the finn catatonic a gin.""
"
"when felines take flight, they're a blur,
yowling cannonballs covered with fur.
i cried out, ""it's insane!""
the vet said, ""it's humane,
but you must use a catapult, sir.""
"
"so cartilage boiled a long time
will turn into a glutinous slime.
used in gelatin, chondrin
will get you  to  ponderin':
""the taste doesn't seem so sublime.""
"
"when you've eaten your fill at the table
and to gulp anymore you're unable,
you have then had enough,
although sometimes it's tough
when dessert comes with  rum on the label.
"
"daughter's   gorgeous and sweet, i'll agree.
mother's nose, eyes, and hair, as you see.
and she's really a dear
but let's make one thing clear ?
her left lower lip is from me.
"
"the chores i complete 'round the house
are all done with no gripe and no grouse.
with intention to please,
i am happy when these
are so  favorably passed by my spouse.
"
"we used cypress-pine ? great for the wall.
such a natural sight to enthrall.
and so, what with a bunk
and a fabulous trunk,
why, the bedroom looks great overall.
"
"you're trying to write every day
but you really have nothing to say.
to suit the occasion?
a simple erasion?
that's rub it all out; walk away.
"
"what's that horrible ruckus i hear?
a three stooges guy's coming, i fear.
from that loud ""nyuk! nyuk! nyuk!""
i  can tell that old knuck-
lehead curly is soitenly near.
"
"the speaker is dull, on too long.
a tense restlessness runs through the throng.
a comfort break, brief,
we all need for relief ?
oh my god, he's just burst into song!
"
"congo peafowls are visions to see.
the male is as bright as can be,
with a violet-blue coat,
and a vivid red throat,
and a fantail that says: ""look at me!""
"
"notre dame has a very high ceiling,
and the bell tower bells send us reeling.
when they call us to pray,
what is heard miles away
has a ring to it. find it appealing?
"
"no blemish?not one imperfection?
this is flawlessness (needs no correction).
my girlfriend is pretty
and clever and witty.
she enjoys all my love and protection.
"
"nineteen hundred and shortly before:
fin-de-si?cle years knocked on the door.
art nouveau style fine art
in these times got its start,
and the second south african war.
"
"the language called flemish is dutch,
and officially spoken as such
by the  flemish. (their vlaams,
in towns and on farms,
in french flanders is used, though not much.)
"
"""did you see my suggestion, dear joe?""
asked the workshopper. since it was so,
you will certainly guess
that i should have said yes,
but i fibbed when i lied and said no.
"
"their per capita income is high
by world standards, and  maybe that's why
""it's developed,"" we say,
""so this country's okay?
though democracy there's gone awry.""
"
"early english, brit gothic's first stage,
has attained an impressive old age.
lancet windows, vaults crossed
and ornately embossed?
read enough? please turn over (next page)!
"
"exaggerative? that's when i say,
""i'm the star of oedilf every day.
all the editors love me,
for no one's above me
but god (who is light-years away).""
"
"calvin coolidge, at first a vp
and then prez in 1923,
left talking to others;
vermont-born, no brothers;
initials were jc (and) c.
"
"the flemings (they're belgians) speak dutch,
which is spoken in flanders as such
(like in antwerp or ghent,
where they may pay their rent,
and where french isn't spoken that much).
"
"a book made with very large pages,
that's the folio dad's had for ages:
twelfth night. one malvolio
is found in that folio.
if you touch it you'll see how dad rages.
"
"found a way to increase crushing strength,
without going to too great a length.
to defeat this compression
has become an obsession ?
all i need is some coats of cemength.
"
"we have crow's ash, australian teak ?
hard to work with, with strength at its peak.
tough to nail and to glue ?
when, at last, we are through,
we'll have dance floors acclaimed as unique.
"
"you should view the fine portraits i took
with my camera. come see my book.
not one soul has a head;
they're all labeled instead.
it creates quite a whimsical look.
"
"three banditas who'd ordered fajitas
(veg and meat in tortillas, not pitas)
when served with, instead,
something crawling, on bread,
unleashed juan and juanita, twin cheetahs.
"
"what's a charver? does anyone know?
not a charmer, who puts on a show,
nor a charger so fleet,
nor a carver of meat,
nor a charter you pay  when you go.
"
"a young seal flip-flopped into a pub.
""so what can i get for ya, bub?""
""bring the whiskey you like
but, for dear love of mike,
i don't want a canadian club.""
"
"are you mad at your dad or just sad
that he made you a fatherless lad
by dying and leaving
your poor mother grieving
with you and six daughters? egad!
"
"in the moonlight, where something is baying,
my hair stands on end and i'm saying:
""i've a feeling of dread
and i'd hide in the shed,
but the stench in there's rather dismaying.""
"
"let's dig up some crinkle-root, guys.
'the good stuff' brings tears to your eyes.
the girls all make faces
and think we're disgraces.
who's for mixing a salad surprise?
"
"all mirrors hold terror for me.
i've a face i just don't want to see.
doc says: ""far's i can tell
you are handling it well,
were it my face, i'd hide up a tree.""
"
"i've no clue, my dear wife, about what'll
be replacing our hot water bottle.
a blanket, electric?!
i'm mad! apoplectic!
where to sleep? what'll do? oh, the cot'll.
"
"the exigency's dire i am sure
since you slipped and fell in the manure.
immediate action:
get up and get traction.
you're lacking somewhat in allure.
"
"a charet is pulled like a chariot
by horses (or dragons to vary it).
'twould rule on the highway;
i'd always get my way,
with spikes on the wheels that would carry it.
"
"if you tend to keep on, over-tax,
then you really must try to relax.
simply try to disbend
and, to further this end,
kick your shoes off and loosen your slacks.
"
"see that shellfish are not on my menu.
with my allergies, eat them and then you
turn purple and gag
and, for lack of a bag,
will discolor the floor of the venue.
"
"when i fell from the top of the tree,
my mom was concerned about me.
the branch where i'd stood
was of rotten old wood,
but i landed as soft as could be.
"
"damnability! hell, he deserves.
i'm distraught and a bundle of nerves.
so, why is life harder?
he cleaned out the larder
by scarfing my pickled hors d'oeuvres.
"
"it's the cloth that our linus is holding.
sister lucy is ranting and scolding,
but the blanket is warm
and it's comfy. bad form?
snuggle in for some character molding.
"
"when pinocchio utters a lie
you can tell in a blink of an eye.
the length of his nose
extendedly grows
(to the blue fairy's solemn ""oh my!"").
"
"there's a poker game saturday night
in which all of the guys take delight.
their wives raise no tiff,
so it comes down to if
my control unit gives the green light.
"
"ancient churches would sometimes possess
a 'bridal door'. why? can you guess?
each pair (not yet bedded)
outside it were wedded,
then went in, so the priest could say 'bless!'
"
"the concepts i lodged in my book
are beliefs that from others i took.
they wanted them spread
but were scared to embed
them in theirs. does this make me a crook?
"
"i have passed my exams ? what a thrill!
now i hold this degree: dr. phil.
we philosophers show
love of wisdom ? we know
quite a lot and have many a skill.
"
"at the thermae in rome: son or daughter,
before they could enter the water,
would set down their bags
here and take off their rags?
apodyterium labels this quarter.
"
"""in british english (some call it be)
a windshield a windscreen would be.
a patrolman's a cop,
and a store is a shop.""
""well, your billfold's a wallet to me!""
"
"the central bank, which we can see
based in frankfurt, is called ecb.
its name: european;
its house: cyclopean,
and the greeks do not watch it with glee.
"
"correspondency: this is archaic.
anapaestic it is, not trochaic.
writing letters today,
correspondence we say
(romantic or simply prosaic).
"
"ancient greek knew some dialects: doric
was one of 'em (i'm not euphoric!
plus ionic, aeolic
do not make me frolic,
for i hate all these lingos historic.)
"
"my eloignment to greece was ill-planned,
and alas, with no money at hand,
such a rash self-removal
without dad's approval
got me stranded in rhodes. understand?
"
"it is florida here i address.
where's this state? the southeastern u.s.
its first settlers, the spanish,
were later to vanish,
making room for the seniors, i guess.
"
"the excuser's excuse is a hollow one.
the excuser is likely to swallow one,
 which is all right, i guess,
but a subsequent mess  ?
then questions may easily follow one.
"
"whereas some people clean and eat creekfish,
i'd much rather feast on some greek dish.
for i don't like to scrub
the detestable chub
sucker. nibbles? well, i'll go with leekrish.
"
"it's another day, ho-hum, but ? hey!
i haven't had ice cream today.
the anticipation,
a pleasant sensation,
is meltingly marvelous, yay!
"
"the word boney, to me, brings to mind
hansel's off'ring a bone (what a find!)
as his finger. the crone
checked for plumpness alone,
and luckily she was half-blind.
"
"i don't know what all that was about.
as soon as they hear what i shout ?
""heil hitler!"" i cried.
""das pig, he has died!"" ?
a fantastical party broke out.
"
"scoping an item on slides
reveals what it formerly hides.
destain it 'fore glassed
for views unsurpassed.
it's clearer and cleaner besides.
"
"kirk and company case the casino.
their looks cause expulsion (how mean-o).
spock: ""computers! change settings!
make successful all bettings!""
the event that ensues is a beano.
"
"the expediter's starting to freak,
since the lawn's not been mowed all this week.
i suppose that i should ...
i told donna the good
that i would when her pique hits its peak.
"
"the saying is ""beat a dead horse"",
which is something we'd ne'er do, of course.
but when pounding a point,
after clearing the joint,
consider yourself as the source.
"
"fawningly unctuous he came,
stiffly shuffling as if he were lame.
oh so servile was he,
 humble? yes, to a 't'.
uriah (and heep) was his name.
"
"i was filming our shoreline improvement.
a tsunami, then, right down the groove went.
i espied a deluge,
in my lens looming huge
and then there was camera movement!!!
"
"it appeared to be growing in size.
its dimensions increased 'fore my eyes.
whatever could this be?
some rare sort of frisbee?
then it hit me! ... what wisdom time buys.
"
"the strange people and places of alice
in wonderland (was there a palace?)
make us smile and feel good,
as such silliness should,
and, in turn, just a little less callous.
"
"none better than i, what a sight,
posing artlessly, catching the light.
modestly, blamelessly,
perfectly shamelessly,
faultlessly sums it up right.
"
"here's a story that's been ballyhooed
all about a young miss (sally) who'd
been showing her knickers
in front of the vicar's.
full coverage, then, duly ensued.
"
"encradle: to place in a cot
or a cradle. but  then, like as not,
knowing how babies are,
you won't get very far;
so you uncradle, soothing the tot.
"
"sales of homes by the highway are slow.
it's the din from the trucks, don't you know.
traffic coming from boise
is awfully noisy,
so baffles would be apropos.
"
"all too often the way that it goes
when one eye has turned in to the nose ?
""whatcha lookin' at, kid?""
is what you are bid.
this is not how your self-esteem grows.
"
"""oh, you swine!"" and she gave me a look.
""my new bra's a facade? what a schnook!""
""well, you asked what i thought
of this new look you bought ?
a false front's a facade in my book.""
"
"perspiration's thrown off through the pores.
they say it's excerned and what's more's
it's far worse with the heat,
and replacement is neat
since a six-pack of cold ones restores.
"
"should you happen to step on an ant,
an apology then you should grant.
if he could respond
from beyond the beyond
he'd be likely to rant, but he can't.
"
"apollo's the name that was used
by spaceships as moon-bound they cruised
with a payload of men
like armstrong and glenn,
but just like glenn, as he'd been excused.
"
"""i'm the king of alphitomancy!""
said the man in the bar to his fancy.
""my dear, i'm a seer
when i've had enough beer,
and your future without me is chancy.""
"
"the aardvark is shaped like a pillow
and 'round it the dirt will oft billow,
as it digs in your shrubs
for its favorite grubs?
oh, wait, i've defined armadillo.
"
"applicative means, off the bat,
something easily used, like a gat
in a gangster's right hand,
or the strong rubber band
'round the violin case where it sat.
"
"""a man's either moral or not,""
said professor immanuel schott.
but what about mice?
are they evil, or nice?
his reply, ""they're amoral, you snot.""
"
"""he's an animal,"" leslie exclaimed.
""he's a brute, he's a beast, he's untamed.""
""joe's a pig, i'm aware,
but he's quick,"" said pierre.
""don't shoot now, or he'll only be maimed.""
"
"an autoroute, as it would chance,
is a type of expressway in france.
zipping home from croquet
in your cabriolet
on these roads leaves more time for romance.
"
"an abbot, a bit of a prude,
met an abbess abysmally crude.
she'd a gaggle of nuns,
who would giggle at puns
in which monks made like minks, in the nude.
"
"an adit you'll find near a mine,
and adah in biblical line.
but a dit and a dah
you must hide from your ma?
that's e. t. (as morse code does assign).
"
"it's exquisitely done ? why, it's flawless.
a newly waxed floor, it is pawless.
it is now blemish-free
to the highest degree.
no tobacco here, either, we're chawless.
"
"acupuncture is not a new trend
according to willy, my friend.
he's familiar with this,
since his picky wife chris
has been needling him, time without end.
"
"he's a farm boy.  he works very hard.
by four he is out in the yard.
his head's under the tap;
his eyes open ? snap!
then he labours all day and is tarred.
"
"now that we're here at the grove, re
the evergreen, tropical clove tree,
where you can find droves
of red buds, whence come cloves,
to observe them, i'm grateful you drove me.
"
"tv cussin' gets cut with a blipper.
no problem like this, though, with flipper.
and you couldn't help praise
wondrous heehaw's weird ways
not fergittin' to slop that ol' dripper.
"
"dining out at a cottager's hut,
i was faced with a menacing mutt.
then its boss gave a roar:
""that's enough now!  no more! ?
you've 'is dish. 'e's no manners,  the scut.""
"
"the question: your age. mercy me!
no one's business but yours, i agree.
i've no further desire
to awaken your ire.
been in business a while, though, i see.
"
"there was a young fellow named pete, a
weight-lifter, by trade, who wooed queta.
when he curled her repeatedly,
this irked her, deep-seatedly.
""i'm no dumb-bell!"" cried this se?orita.
"
"a rooster's best crowing's done early.
 when you call the hens late, they get surly.
 go into your strut
 with a ""cut-cut-cut-cut,""
 to begin the new day's hurly-burly.
"
"your distended abdominal cavity,
 with stuffed tummy-sack, tells you with gravity:
 ""the pain that's forthcoming
 will grip you, be numbing.
 your piggishness i'd call depravity.""
"
"when an ampere, a volt, and an ohm
went out drinking with coulomb in rome,
volt shot coulomb's drink
through ohm's straw to the sink
just to prove he could drive ampere home.
"
"""i've a bankable thought here,"" he coos,
as he dreams of the wealth he pursues.
""when the thoughts that you write
are too short, start a site
where five lines are enough, then charge dues.""
"
"tossing paint at a canvas is hard.
(the elite call this feat avant-garde.)
i enjoyed modern art,
thought it trendy and smart,
at least in third grade, where i starred.
"
"my computer decided to speak.
my response, i'm afraid, was a shriek.
it said not a word more
as it finds me a bore
and my audial interface weak.
"
"""approximation's the method i use
to get close when i'm slicing through thews,""
said the surgeon to me,
as he marked on my knee?
a confession that failed to amuse.
"
"we can aggregate numbers and see
if the sums of two columns agree.
those green eyeshades are nice,
but you'd better think twice,
for in life one and one can make three.
"
"atlantis sank under the sea,
but i've just staked a claim by decree.
with delusions of grand-
eur, i've annexed that land:
to discover it, pay me a fee.
"
"the aardvark was eating the ants
who were carting off rubber tree plants
that i'd chopped with my axe
to make little ant snacks
once they swore they'd stay out of my pants.
"
"an aurist's a doc for one's ear,
and is fine as your choice of career.
but for work less mundane
you should fix up the brain.
it's a choice much more sound, so i hear.
"
"though it's true that he's awfully kind, ed
is really just too absentminded:
he helped me to shine
my car's lights and align
them, but looked at the lamps and was blinded.
"
"""just one moment, i'm on the bidet.""
she was keeping her husband at bay
as she flushed the receipts
down the loo, then switched seats?
""oh, those shoes? they're a gift from ren?e.""
"
"up in heaven it's white as the snow,
and the weather is hot down below.
while my choice (though i ski)
is not one of degree,
still your offer of wealth i'll forgo.
"
"i'm in charge of this court, i admit.
a bencher? that's me. here i sit
and consider anew
this young con artist who
is convinced that i think he's legit.
"
"an atypical mathematician,
i'm aghast at the thought of addition
using complement (two's)?
the result that one views
is subtraction. i blame the logician.
"
"""rest assured that my word is my bond.
you can trust if you call, i'll respond,""
said the lawyer whose fee
was prepaid (yes, by me).
now i've learned a new word: it's abscond.
"
"a man who i knew from verdun
walked into a bar with a pun.
""give me all of your bling,
or i might have to sting
you."" ""with what?"" and the joke was bee gun.
"
"it's the old adiabolist claim
that the devil is only a name.
he doesn't exist,
so you shouldn't insist
that he made you ring up an old flame.
"
"""when in rome, count like romans, say i.""
to which sailor's response is ""aye aye.""
""i means one, damn your ayes.""
""i meant two,"" he replies.
(who's on first, done by sailor and bligh.)
"
"""if you find a good page as you browse,
you will find that a bookmark allows
you to find it again.
when you find the page then,
you should find it's the same."" (and he bows.)
"
"barehanded, he chose to combat
the bear that had stolen his hat.
so, bareheaded, he gained
back the hat as it rained
while the barefooted bear snared a spat.
"
"a bee passing by from the blue
saw a fly, gave a quick ""howdy-do.""
""should i flee,"" thought the fly,
""from this bee flying by?
yes i should."" and so homeward he flew.
"
"""while she's nothing to look at, i'd say,
she shows brilliancy playing croquet.
she's the best, i'll al-ow!
ow! that hurt! ow, ow, ow!""?
""off your knee, through the wicket! nice play!""
"
"""got some olives?"" i asked of the briner.
""yes indeed, and they couldn't be finer.
i use salt straight from brest,
and the water is blessed
by my priest, so the taste is diviner.""
"
"a brazen-faced hussy is stalking
the fellow with whom i am walking.
he doesn't object
to her bold disrespect?
it's the subject on which we are talking.
"
"in a look widely copied by teens,
his tastes soon moved into the greens:
he wore with bravado
a dull avocado,
with yellowish seams on his jeans.
"
"he's five children, two dogs, and a cat;
loves his job, collects rugs, wears a hat.
so in short say of him
his life's filled to the brim?
and so too, i might add, is his flat.
"
"while the brigand who lived in the woods
with his band full of plundering hoods
worked to level his tariff
on traffic, the sheriff
made off with the thief's stolen goods.
"
"""a smart one, quite clever:  he's bright.""
""that is nice, but i asked: 'can he write?'""
""can he write? words galore!
if you ask, he'll write more!""
""does he put them in order?"" ""not quite.""
"
"i see disparate despots, all potted,
and desperate not to get spotted,
at the depot nearby
buying bottles of rye
for those despots who opt to get sotted.
"
"in the lee of the loo did it lie:
wasn't pee, wasn't poo, wasn't pie.
it could be it was blue...
""yes,"" said she, ""it's the shoe
that i see.  don't tell sue, or she'll sigh.""
"
"was he showing his strong moral fiber
by taking the bribe from the briber?
he wrote on the bill,
which he placed on the hill,
the words ""congressman smith"" then ""(transcriber).""
"
"she works twenty fathoms below,
in a submarine kind of tableau.
on a date with this dish
she called me a cold fish?
well it takes one to know one, y'know.
"
"while writing a limerick solo,
for the rhyme on line two i chose polo.
the rhyme for line four
was at best bottom-drawer,
and line five, i admit, was below low.
"
"""he's a criminal mastermind, wayne.
both the head of his gang, and the brain.""
""he's not worth your respect?
nothing's missing, i've checked.""
""yes, the baggage is here.  where's the train?""
"
"""a gift in the mail: i've been bosced.""
(those are pears, yellow-brown?glad you ahsked.)
but they'd taken some knocks,
being packed in a box,
and were blemished and bruised when unmahsked.
"
"here's a limerick i hope you will test?
take a voiceprint as each word is stressed.
the result of this study
ain't poetry, buddy.
biometrical? surely you jest.
"
"quite heedless of danger, so bold,
our hero shipped out to find gold.
after demons and harpies,
accountants with sharpies
won't get what he has in his hold.
"
"as the clowns down below hear my speech,
i proclaim, ""once more into the breech!""
the cannon is loaded
with me! then exploded?
and that's why good spelling i preach.
"
"i'm waiting to burke you; i lurk
in the shadows. you'll die amidst murk,
and no one will know
that my hand dealt the blow,
since i'll leave not a trace of my work.
"
"""the boogers, the blood, and the poop
all belong to a dangerous group.
biohazards (beware!)
should be handled with care,""
said the cook, stirring hospital soup.
"
"i've noticed, i fear, there's a chunk
of a meteor next to the junk
in my automobile,
not too big, but it's real,
and right under this hole in my trunk.
"
"a knock at the door, and i choke;
once again comes the sound, so i croak?
not ""who's there?"" (as you'd think),
for i'd swallowed my drink
the wrong way, and that's hardly a joke.
"
"""for the cook, carriage driver, and maid,
he's the boss?has it made in the shade,""
writes the hack.  next the butler
consults with the cutler
to buy an untraceable blade.
"
"some software guys gave me the eye
as i stood and then swapped, with a sigh,
the bulb in the socket
with one from my pocket,
resulting in light from on high.
"
"those grids made of cells that can think?
automata (cellular) stink!
such abstractions?alluring
to those who like turing
or conway?just drive me to drink.
"
"a blowhole's a seacoastal spout:
there are rocks from which water shoots out
in spectacular spumes,
takes a break, then resumes.
it's impressive?unless you're a trout.
"
"when i stood up to censure my foe
for his claim that i'd swiped his bordeaux,
i condemned him for lying,
berated his spying,
and showed him my glass of merlot.
"
"a moderate voter, that's you:
you're consumed by a centrism flu.
neither left, nor yet right,
you're a curious sight?
your best hope, says our poll, is a coup.
"
"the alu calculates sums
on my pentium processor, chums.
it's been adding for years;
now the answer appears?
it's the blue screen of death! get my tums.
"
"add an ""arr"" to the mix that you speak,
if a piratey sound you would seek.
a ""matey"" works too,
or just ""mate""?to review:
just say, ""arr, me mate's carrr sprang a leak.""
"
"i once knew a man from peru
whose limericks stopped at line two.
this had an effect,
as you well might expect,
on the workshopping comments he drew.
"
"evangelize: sell them on god,
or persuade them that they should be awed
by the software you sell
(it's remarkably swell:
a solution that users applaud).
"
"if appendant to pleas you submit
is a note to the judge saying ""twit!""
then if he is quite kind
you might simply be fined?
but more likely in jail you will sit.
"
"in a queue with a cue with a sku
that's askew, i saw you by the yew.
""are your skus tilted too?""
""on review, as askew
as this queue, as this cue, and as you.""
"
"hear my shutter go click: the hawk springs
and goes soaring on broad rounded wings.
yes, i'm watching the buteos
while eating my fruity-o's:
for a birder, the breakfast of kings.
"
"those ideas you wish to debate
i've decided instead to conflate.
as i mix them together,
the question is whether
confusion is what i create.
"
"a corkscrew i fear i am lacking,
so this bottle i've taken to whacking
on the side of this ship,
in the hope of a nip,
should the bottle oblige me by cracking.
"
"the prospector copies the twitters
and chirps of the birds, and their chitters.
but the raven she's loath
to repeat, for he quoth,
""nevermore will you find that which glitters.""
"
"""this antelope chop's overdone,
so i'll head for the blind with my gun""?
though a blaubok i sought,
there were none to be caught;
you'd have thought i just ate the last one.
"
"when the hickory dickory doc
sent his bills, patients fainted in shock.
as his charge for each second
was carefully reckoned,
he gleefully ran up the clock.
"
"in the case of the lim'rick cut short,
the detective had this to report:
""i printed the piece,
and then called the police
with a clue, for the screen said
"
"what he found in his grandmother's attic
was a mineral allochromatic.
its impurities made
it a lovely green shade,
but the size was what made him ecstatic.
"
"if your jaunt your great aunt seeks to haunt,
and to daunt her you want, say ""avaunt!""
it conveys, ""go away!
do not darken my day!""
it's the anti-aunt taunt you can flaunt.
"
"said paleontologist pete,
""at least one allosaurus ate meat
from this petrified bone,
with these marks once unknown?
for they match with these teeth from my suite.""
"
"""allow for a little more room
on the right,"" said the bride to the groom,
as they drove down the road
to their future abode,
bashing cars with tin cans, i assume.
"
"a feeling of angst may arrive
when you think of your upcoming dive
(and your fear of small spaces,
and mighty deep places)
in a sub of capacity five.
"
"paleontologist pete
found the amblypod fossil a treat.
with this ungulate mammal's
distinctive enamels,
his dental collection's complete.
"
"in the process of capturing men,
an allurement used now and again
is to smile and to nod
and convince the poor sod
you like sports.  can i hear an amen?
"
"an analogue's like what you've got.
it's a similar thing, but it's not
quite exactly the same,
like a spark and a flame,
or the boat in your tub and my yacht.
"
"some boyfriends are destined to wander,
which leads me this question to ponder:
if he won't ""buy the cow""
'cause ""the milk's free"" for now,
would abstinence make him grow fonder?
"
"i am utterly taken aback
by the manners you totally lack.
i shall enecate you.
yes, this chain saw will do,
and the pieces i'll put in a sack.
"
"i guess cimbias could be symbolic.
i don't know, but they sound like a frolic.
they are fibrous wee wrappings
'round columns, as strappings?
maybe placed by some poor alcoholic?
"
"there's a cannonball up in the air
and i wonder: ""now why is it there?
perhaps it was sent
with evil intent
and a craving to cause disrepair!""
"
"a cropful's a size that confuses.
it's a measurement nobody uses.
a flamingo's big hold
dwarfs a hummer's tenfold,
so the former might be what one chooses.
"
"cherry cobbler, and then you can do
cherry brandy, liqueurs cherry, too.
cherry jam, cherry pie,
sour cherry, oh, my!
then there's cherry pit vinegar ? whoo!
"
"an expositor's one who explains.
he expounds until no doubt remains.
so when asked: ""are you sure?""
my reaction's demure:
""no expositor, i ? it takes brains.""
"
"a conventionist is, so i've heard,
one who gives, in a contract, his word,
or a meeting attender
(no matter which gender).
two meanings. select one preferred.
"
"the albatross sat on the mast
with all thoughts of food in the past.
he was cropful perhaps,
having robbed some fish traps,
or just maybe the blighter was gassed.
"
"the face fly's, to cattle, annoying.
they don't bite but, in manner most cloying,
cluster thickly apace
on a bovine's poor face.
what an irksome routine they're employing.
"
"when you capsulate humans in rockets,
please try to supply them with lockets,
and a picture therein
representing their kin,
plus some pies, that are pork, in their pockets.
"
"if your birthday's around may 14,
then your birthstone's an em'rald, bright green.
a topaz: november.
a turquoise: december.
in march, it's an aquamarine.
"
"german cynthia's billowy dress
caused the fr?ulein enormous distress.
when the weather got windy,
it scooped up poor cindy
and flew her to west inverness.
"
"my husband adores when i utter
""your billycock sends me aflutter!""
he's no clue: what i've said
means the hat on his head,
but his mind's rather fun in the gutter!
"
"in fear of a moral morass,
the blue laws in mass. came to pass.
if you want to buy booze
on a sunday, you lose.
so we head to new hampshire en masse.
"
"the pads of your fingers are bloody.
the edema bars harpsichord study.
seems your hands are a mess!
i proclaim (more or less)
that it's achenbach syndrome, old buddy!
"
"your nymphomaniacal actions
are sure to cause major distractions.
if you must be a tramp
at st. pete's bible camp,
find a less public place for infractions.
"
"a bipartisan effort, you say?
in congress? you're kidding?no way!
that bill only passed
'cuz the gop massed
and the dems folded like a souffl?!
"
"a model, she's so angel-fair,
with long legs and incredible hair.
see the sheen and the grace
as it highlights her face!
(for a chick with a beard, that's quite rare!)
"
"the obese and ungainly miss dorset
must suffer the curse of her corset.
she has no trouble minding
its terrible binding,
but getting it off, she must force it.
"
"a clean bill of health means your fate's
years away from those famed pearly gates.
your diet and fitness
will lead you to witness
""long life (and perhaps hotter dates)!""
"
"is blushing done solely by man?
for i doubt other animals can.
they've no need to reflect
on the cause or effect
of killing (and bagging their scran).
"
"the snakes left the ark down the ladders
for relief. (do they have any bladders?)
noah smiled, gave a bow:
""go and multiply now.""
""oh, we cannot do that, sir, we're adders.""
"
"pup limps into the pub, temper raw,
clump-clumping, with gun at the draw.
with a gait hard and slow,
he asks, seeking a foe:
""where's the varmint that shot muh poor paw?""
"
"fantasticality! circus freaks here!
so drum up your courage, my dear,
and for one single dime,
see the creatures of slime
and the monster of shivering fear!
"
"""mister swank, have you filled in the blank?""
""which one's that, you ambiguous crank?""
""the one 'tween your ears.
seems your brain's in arrears.
you've a lack of gray matter to thank.""
"
"with the science of region surveying,
i suppose that it goes without saying
that it comes with a price.
yes, chorometry's nice,
but the arctic? how much are you paying?
"
"the state of awareness and knowing
is cognoscence, friend. so, if you're going
to be one who succeeds
give your mind what it needs:
education, to keep knowledge growing.
"
"a farm girl, one raised on a farm,
one whom spiders and snakes don't alarm,
will mate in the city,
get homesick and ? pity
the guy she has nailed with her charm.
"
"when the other guy's bigger in size,
palm a weapon to open his eyes,
'cause a  derringer (gun)
flusters thugs, so they run
when it comes as a sudden surprise.
"
"epidermal discomfiture (itchiness)
may promote evil symptoms of witchiness.
you could treat it with balm
as you try to keep calm.
failing this ? you could scream with a bitchiness!
"
"accessory organs are not
for making pianos look hot!
they'll never be seen
as barrettes for your spleen.
they are just extra innards you've got!
"
"a bondmaid must work very hard
keeping house or maintaining a yard.
she must always obey.
she's a slave; there's no pay.
it's a good thing this practice is barred.
"
"if you're making focaccia dough,
there's an item you'll need for it, joe.
use some active dry yeast
so its bulk is increased.
otherwise, you'll have matzoh, you know?
"
"the finklesteins, rachel and gene,
are the happiest folks in racine,
since their bar mitzvah boy
read the torah (what joy!),
he's a man, though he's only thirteen.
"
"at night, if you visit the park,
and see bioluminescence, that's mark.
in the war, some uranium
entered his cranium
(result: his head glows in the dark!).
"
"growing bergamot, tart citrus fruit,
brings its farmers a truckload of loot.
use its oil in the day
for the tea called earl grey,
and at night, it's a perfume to boot!
"
"when my dad went to salon st. claire,
stylists blow-dried his hair with great care.
but the price was a rip-off.
want proof? here's the tip-off:
he's bald as a cueball up there!
"
"do you wonder what's killing your trees
when you know it's not bugs or disease?
abiotic's the stress
that could make them a mess,
if your yard temp's 100 degrees!
"
"there's a ranch somewhere south of seattle
where i keep all my goats and my cattle.
outside new rochelle,
there's my pig farm, as well.
i own both. i'm bicoastal, with chattel!
"
"b?che-de-mer's an echinoderm we
serve as sushi (it's great with green tea).
if you feel you've grown weary
of ebi nigiri,
your plate's where this treat ought to be!
"
"ahem! may i have your attention?
don't sit on those cacti. i'll mention
this now, 'fore you find
a quite tender behind
with more pricks than a lawyers' convention.
"
"your retail expansion's unwise
if you don't know the market's true size.
twenty stores in this town
will cause sales to go down,
since your sites will all cannibalize.
"
"after cocktails, my friend and his floozy
got rather obnoxiously boozy.
they started to dance
on our couch (with no pants!)
and then, naked, defiled our jacuzzi!
"
"a carrottop's mane is like flame?
bright red and quite sexy (some claim).
also known for her ire,
you should never inquire
if her carpet and drapes are the same.
"
"my favorite dog's the welsh corgi.
i've two, which are named bess and porgy.
one's pembroke, one's cardigan,
but (phew!) if they fart again,
they're both getting kicked out the dorgi!
"
"in driver's ed classes, i'm making
the instructor a wreck, 'cause my braking
is sudden and rough
(nearly drove off a bluff).
could it be all the speed i've been taking?
"
"pam anderson's body is nice
with her cleavage enhanced (maybe twice?).
she's a big-bosomed broad,
so c'mon guys, applaud
for the human flotation device!
"
"the bibliomaniac's creed:
""there are never enough books to read!""
he may fill several homes
with his novels and tomes,
but he'll run for the borders to breed.
"
"for my bioclimatic research,
i will set off the sprinklers in church.
then i'll monitor you
running wet from the pew,
and the dripping priest left in the lurch.
"
"my friends and i saw house of wax
(cost us $34.20 with tax).
'twas a blood-and-guts thriller?
best part: when the killer
hacked up paris h. with an axe!
"
"at our son's brith milah, sol the mohel
made an error that had us recoil.
having cut off sam's foreskin,
he took even more skin.
samantha's now our baby goil.
"
"want a slice from grimaldi's wit cheese?
then youse guys betta speak  brooklynese.
it's da way we all tawk
('cuz it's friggin' noo yawk!)
and no accents are betta den dese!
"
"on a visit to see my friend tammy
(the most talented chef in miami),
i was lovingly fed
fried cassava-based bread.
it was yummy! she called it a bammy.
"
"i think that it's blatantly clear
that my firm's had a bad fiscal year.
i wanted a raise,
but instead, i got praise
and a title change: chief volunteer!
"
"mrs. bush thought her son bound to fail,
scoring 12 on binet-simon's scale.
though he's got the i.q.
of a chimp at the zoo,
he's a genius compared to dan quayle.
"
"antifamily? surely, you jest!
kids are great, lady! what i detest
is the nonchalant mood
you display while your brood
tears through kmart like demons possessed!
"
"its benignancy helped put to rest
all my fears 'bout the lump in my breast.
a biopsy proved
that it should be removed,
but malignant? no, only a pest.
"
"first i saw eric's blue chipper bet
(i'd three kings, my best poker hand yet);
raised him microsoft stock
(thought the game was a lock);
but i lost. now i'm deeper in debt.
"
"republican senator glade
doesn't pay his congressional aide.
this shameful resistance
to wage-paid assistance
he claims as ""a boon to free trade"".
"
"so your car is in need of repair?
and your plumbing's been clogged up with hair?
get a blue-collar man
like 'ol dan on roseanne.
an accountant would just point and stare!
"
"i'm announcing my candidacy
'cause the senate needs people like me!
like all primary winners,
my fundraising dinners
are steep?but the ass-kissing's free!
"
"a coy archaeologist, nate,
propositioned his lab partner, kate.
""now i've got you alone,
care to handle my bone?""
""first things first!"" she said, ""let's carbon-date.""
"
"not a tot for my husband and me!
we're content with our dachshund, named dee.
does our childlessness show
we have lives full of woe?
not at all?we are proudly child-free!
"
"said spongebob in class, ""woe is me!
i am not what a sponge ought to be.
for midterms, miss fishy
has failed me in 'squishy'.
absorbancy? gentleman's 'd'!""
"
"don't you think it's a little ironic
your mom claims she's not histrionic?
she's quite angel-seeming
on days she's not screaming
or downing her tenth gin and tonic!
"
"""where's your brother?"" mom asked at the table.
""i dunno, ma. you checked by the stable?""
""cain, account for his whereabouts!""
""try egypt or thereabouts.
the exact place? can't say?i'm not abel.""
"
"she's got acute abdomen, doc!
her tummy's as hard as a rock!
a cute stomach, it's not.
she's in pain (quite a lot!).
quickly! put on your surgical smock!
"
"part wagon and part suv,
it's the subaru outback! marie,
with her quite active lifestyle
and soccer-mom wife-style,
just backed hers right into a tree.
"
"the abortion rate climbs if, or when,
contraception's illegal again.
it drops with sex ed,
and with condoms in bed.
it still remains zero for men.
"
"tootsies sweat 'til your socks start to rot?
and your hands are all damp? tell you what?
here's my keen diagnosis:
acrohyperhidrosis!
let's shake on it! (well, maybe not...)
"
"i am wealthy and famous, it's said.
so you fans better watch where you tread!
set a foot near my house,
and my bodyguard, klaus,
will protect me by shooting you dead!
"
"i'm grounding my son?i won't waver!
the brat's clearly not a behaver.
his x-rated doodle
on fifi, our poodle,
was so bad, the vet had to shave her!
"
"c6 plus h5 plus co
makes a benzoyl molecule. though
with peroxide it hits
at bacterial zits,
it's in almond oil too?now you know!
"
"a tourist from queensland named mikey
called moose, a hells angel, a ""bikie"".
the biker, enraged,
just could not be assuaged,
so he broke mikey's legs and his psyche.
"
"i hate broccoli?what a foul veggie!
thoughts of eating it make me feel edgy.
said my bro, ""here's a crown.
better swallow it down!
if you don't, be prepared for a wedgie!""
"
"why didn't you warn me, ""beware,
a traditional londoner's fare
includes blood sausage""? ick!
made with pork and blood?sick!
is english food based on a dare?
"
"while cruising the sunny caribbean,
i found an enormous amphibian!
""once you get to my cave,""
the toad croaked, ""you're my slave,
along with two brits and a libyan!""
"
"my feminist sister diane
makes it clear she is not antiman
since she's taken to bed
twenty teds and a fred,
and then married two marks and a stan.
"
"i'm sorry to say i'm the burier
of jerry, my kerry blue terrier.
he's deep in the ground
where he won't make a sound
'cause he's dead from his head to his derrier.
"
"who's had an affair? go ask gwen.
she'll tell you all who, where and when.
busybody? to wit,
gwen, that gossipy twit
has her telescope aimed at my den!
"
"of all the great freshwater fishes,
black bass is by far most delicious.
make it spicy or mild,
or consult julia child
for the key to a thousand great dishes.
"
"my bed table's where i keep books
when i'm gripped by insomnia's hooks.
stuff to scan, stuff to read,
stuff for ""doing the deed""
can be found in its crannies and nooks.
"
"i admit it was terrible bitchery
to claim britney's popping her stitchery.
i didn't mean that
i was calling her fat,
but those boobs? either implants or witchery!
"
"my mom thought she'd try something quirky:
not basting our thanksgiving turkey.
(no sauce brush was used.)
she watched us, bemused,
as we chewed through the bird, dry as jerky.
"
"""quickly, folks! sell your home and take flight!""
said our realtor. ""your neighborhood's white,
but it soon will have asians
and blacks! non-caucasians!""
he's a blockbusting moron, all right!
"
"the carcinogen, benzol, they say
was discovered in ""pure"" perrier.
the clear, liquiform stuff
made ol' nestl? get tough
and recall the bad lots right away.
"
"a sword will cause bill to recoil.
he will cringe at a needle or foil,
or a figure skate's toe-pick.
he's belonephobic,
which sucks, since he works as a mohel.
"
"a scary young goth named cordelia
keeps needles as memorabilia.
syringes and swords
get her hot as she hoards
them. i think she's got belonephilia!
"
"our manager (jerk) is named ross plum.
he loves supervisory bossdom.
he works us to death,
and his dragon-like breath
makes employees all wish he would floss some!
"
"adult day care is where we send gramps.
it's got wheelchair-accessible ramps.
he plays bingo and bridge
with a biddy named midge.
they're the elderly game-playing champs!
"
"you're spineless ? a creep and a flirt!
keep your filthy hands out of my shirt!
don't give me that frown,
you amyelous clown ?
even breaking your neck wouldn't hurt!
"
"you're not any better than me.
we're together no better than she.
your mother and brother ?
as good as each other.
i'm antihierarchical, see?
"
"i blasphemed and i stamped and saw red?
the telephonist quivered with dread.
'tis a truth hard to swallow,
but 'your order ? to follow'
my advice note quite clearly had said.
"
"special forces, when deep under cover,
and fearful their foes might discover
the extent of their plot,
designate some poor clot
action officer ? so long, blood bruvva...
"
"doctor says you're a bit of a klutz.
came too late with that pain in your guts.
so it's theatre for you,
celioscopy too ?
which leaves only the smallest of cuts.
"
"as a gard'ner my fingers be green,
an' that book-larnin's just not my scene.
this contraption of babbage's
counts up my cabbages?
'tis a fine calculating machine.
"
"for goodness sake, what is the matter?
you've got mouse droppings in your paratha?
i've taken a look,
she's a competent cook;
they're just ajwain seeds stirred in the batter.
"
"it's a common political story,
in the uk at least. furthermore, he
went down on his knees,
pain and sorrow to ease,
for the party?alleviatory.
"
"down with canalisation of rivers!
just the thought of it gives me the shivers.
all those wetlands degraded,
normal drainage blockaded,
for the small sum of cash it delivers.
"
"willie winkie, with candle in holder,
finds the darkness he handles much bolder.
running swift through the town,
fearing not that his gown
nor his sandals are prone to a-smoulder!
"
"if my hon and i don't have a gun
and a bear has us both on the run,
my survival technique
isn't fancy; i'll seek
to outrun not the bear, but my hon.
"
"archaeopteryx lies there inert,
a fossil that's buried in dirt.
looking closer you'll see
in amongst the debris
that his end came while eating dessert.
"
"the aim of this limerick, sport,
is the goal that it has, i purport.
but my aim in this game
is not points or acclaim:
the retort that i court is a snort.
"
"invading my womb is a critter?
it's a parasite. i'm all atwitter.
should the blastocyst stick
to my uterus?ick!
well, at least it's just one, not a litter.
"
"a blockish young fellow named joe
(both in shape, and in sense, don't you know)
was known for competing
with others in eating
his meals?which were square and to go.
"
"the ref grabbed his whistle and blew
when he noticed the elbow i threw:
""sir, i just can't approve
your anconeal move.""
seems my ass from my elbow he knew.
"
"in his bathhouse the old man has toys?
rubber duckies and boats he deploys
in defense of the drains;
it's the place he maintains
his escape to the land of lost boys.
"
"it's an aiger you say? what a bore.
and it's headed this way? hear me snore.
oh be quiet, i'll look...
holy cow, up the brook!
it's a tidal wave! get off the shore!
"
"she barged through the door with a scowl
scaring all of the men, and the owl,
who was teaching the guys
all its ways (which were wise)
of dividing the fair and the fowl.
"
"if you're planning to speak to the bargeman
(that gruff and exceedingly large man)
to charter his boat,
you had best get your quote
through a dame, so he won't overcharge, man.
"
"up the road, fifty feet, late in summer:
seven cars, quite a wreck?what a bummer.
well, i'm glad to report
my convertible's short,
so i made it just under the hummer.
"
"said the cop, ""you should cease to antagonize
the police."" ""but it's only a gag gun."" ""eyes
forward, young man.
just look straight at the van.
put your nose on those airbrushed green dragon eyes.""
"
"should you want to import some gazelle,
you must speak to the pronghorn cartel.
to improve on their prices,
i'd say my advice is
to claim that you hate how they smell.
"
"i sought to engrave wizard's tool
(with a graver) on top of this rule,
but i slipped, as the burin
had not been secure in
my hand. the result: wizard's fool.
"
"""this is politics, joe, i said bunt!""
""just a tap of the ball? an affront!
when you're selling a lie,
knock it up to the sky!
and besides, i'm convinced you said punt.""
"
"as the source of new tools in the 'hood
(in the stone age), some flint would be good.
with a burin's production
by lithic reduction,
you'll find you can now carve on wood.
"
"""can you smell that?  like butter gone bad.
or old sweat ? maybe vomit,"" he'd add.
i was practically lyric,
""the smell is butyric!""
""you're passing in chemistry, lad.""
"
"the taproot of young burdock plants
can be eaten by nephews and aunts;
but the heads, well, they bristle
with burrs, so this thistle
avoid, unless wearing long pants.
"
"the buckboard: a horsey-drawn thingy?
your seat's put on boards that are springy.
the rest isn't sprung,
so the ride ain't among
the most pleasant for things that you bringy.
"
"on the campus they call me a booster?
what they mean is i crow like a rooster
for meets at the track.
(got a keg in the back,
so my friends, they all call me the brewster.)
"
"if your doctor's suspecting anemia,
or lupus, or hypoglycemia,
a blood test may tell
why you're feeling unwell,
but it's really the bill that'll ream ya!
"
"if you want a safe yuppie car, stop
for a volvo; its record's the top!
its chassis, once boxier,
now looks much foxier.
(on days when it's not in the shop...)
"
"aerophagy's swallowing air.
it's linked to anxiety. where
you might think it's not classy
and makes me quite gassy,
i like belching ""scarborough fair""!
"
"my favorite golf club? you bent it.
you totaled my car. me? resent it?
you've driven me mental.
your death?accidental?
oh no, darling brother?i meant it!
"
"archimedes, what genius! he knew
raising water's a cinch: use a screw!
sicilian chicks keen
on this simple machine
found the action quite pleasurable, too.
"
"said the scotsman macduff to his date,
""have some mutton!  come on now, don't blate.
what's the matter with ewe?
willnae eat mutton stew?""
""shut yer geggie! i'm vegan!"" cried kate.
"
"he's the slyest of models, that nate,
since he always has women to date!
i must say, he's no fool
goin' to barbizon school.
he's the only male student who's straight!
"
"i announce in my baritone voice,
""i've abstained!"" and the fundies rejoice.
i've resisted the urgin'
by staying a virgin,
but truth is, i hadn't much choice.
"
"that plastic thing binding your lace
at the end is an aigulet. place
it through holes in your shoe,
and tie tightly, so you
can avoid falling flat on your face!
"
"while shopping for pants, i asked, ""dear,
is this cut a bit tight in the rear?""
he started to snigger.
""try ten sizes bigger!""?
not the words that i wanted to hear.
"
"on the shoulder, outside tallahassee,
by her broken-down car, stood a lassie.
i soon sprang to the aid
of that poor winsome maid
when she asked if i'd look at her chassis.
"
"thundered henry the eighth, ""she's a sow,
yet the pope quotes my marital vow!
i shall teach the old swine,
for the church will be mine.
we start caesaropapism now!""
"
"""i'm paying you money to ride auld
black beauty!"" i yelled, as he idled.
""a groom should be able
to run a good stable.""
what came of my scolding? he bridled.
"
"cadilesker said, ""let's be adult an'
consult on these sweets with the sultan.""
the aforementioned judge
ruled it just wasn't fudge.
and my turkish delight? not resultin'!
"
"cried a young cornish cook, ""i'm in clover!
i've bought shed-loads of pastry. moreover,
a million on beef
makes me the pasty chief!""
but a forecast's not actual turnover.
"
"it was tuesday and time for a call
on some neighbours. i entered their hall,
shouted, ""are you about?""
they responded, ""get out!""
anthrophobics they are, one and all.
"
"i'm out of my mind my dear fellow,
let's escape to my mansion and mellow!
my kids are appalling ?
gone mad from the walling ?
both their cause and our cure are chrome yellow.
"
"this computer's in need of a nurse?
my monitor's bit-depth's perverse.
seems the contrast and hue
have both gone quite askew.
i'm adjusting now?better or ????????
"
"chim chiminey chim chim cher-ee,
i'm lucky as lucky can be.
that chimney ? still smoking ?
i cleaned without choking.
i'm alive, i'm a sweep and i'm three.
"
"as a new boy in aberdeen toun,
it'll seem that you've come from the moon.
folk say, ""fit like tha dae?""
""furry boots are ye frae?""
""ye're a wee bitty glaikit, eh loun?""
"
"in l.a., my refined aunt sophia
imports bracelets and rings from korea.
her bijouterie hoard
few mesdames can afford,
though they shop at k-town galleria.
"
"if you eat many black bean burritos,
and consume them with cabbage and fritos,
be aware you'll expel
such a terrible smell
that you'll only be loved by mosquitos.
"
"two male bettas i kept in my purse;
now my mom's being dragged in a hearse!
lack of water a factor
in why they attacked her,
the bites went from betta to worse.
"
"i'm trainin' my bloodhound for smellin',
locatin', and trackin' a felon.
if a fugitive's caught,
it's a collar for spot!
if the scent is lost: reruns of ellen.
"
"if you want to impress mamacitas,
put some bell peppers in your fajitas.
jalape?os are great,
but too hot for a date,
unless you down ten margaritas!
"
"i've been sent to the big house for crime,
and my sentence is quite a long time.
inmate life's rather tough,
but especially rough
since my cellmate's a flatulent mime!
"
"take your date to a trendy cafe;
seal the deal with a stunning bouquet.
using bear grass as filler,
red roses will thrill her
so much, she'll ignore your toupee!
"
"to spare the emotional hurt
of lobster juice staining your shirt,
a bib is applied
('round your neck it is tied)
so your shirt will be clean for dessert.
"
"when lunch found a bad spot to nest in,
causing blockage in fred's small intestine,
dr. ted gave a med,
and then said, ""swallow, fred ?
find a loo and a bed you can rest in.""
"
"dick cheney, american royal,
knows neither privation nor toil;
for his smarmy attack
on a helpless iraq,
he should prick himself 'til he bleeds oil.
"
"as some foolhardy bathers have learnt,
do not swim in the benguela current.
from antarctica's coast
to angola's shores, most
of those in for a dip wish they weren't.
"
"do milk, wheat, nuts, soya or cheeses
slow your pulse down or bring on the wheezes?
then you may be allergic;
don't take adrenergic-
blocking drugs?they'll inflame your diseases!
"
"as an artist drove out in a rush,
a young squirrel, alas, felt the crush.
though the painter turned pale,
he cried, ""tease out his tail?
bring him back as an aquarelle brush.""
"
"""an ampulliform thing?"" we might ask;
""this here object that's shaped like a flask?""
oh ambiguous vessel,
with your nature we wrestle ?
are you dolioform, like a cask?
"
"the taxman delightedly gloats
as he scribbles down sums in his notes:
""even baywatch beach beauties
still have to pay duties.
active assets? their costumes and floats.""
"
"my diet amuses these folk;
as i order my breakfast they choke.
i dropped 'em this bomblet:
""a plain egg-white omelette.""
alecithal ? hardly a yolk.
"
"when your barrack-room woes seem infernal,
make amends with your colleagues fraternal.
give a few gentle strokes
to those military blokes,
with the oil of an apricot kernel.
"
"my fair amatrice can awaken
my lust with a sauce made from bacon.
it has to be cheeky,
not smoky or streaky.
oh amatriciana, i'm taken...
"
"william the conqueror glowers,
and barks to his men, ""show my powers!""
with the soft soil of blighty,
'twas hard to build mighty:
caen stone from back home formed his towers.
"
"""how combustible is diesel fuel?""
thought the arsonist, watching his school.
""haven't got many matches ?
sure hope this stuff catches ?
cetane number's a fairly good rule.""
"
"charge right back to the pitch, son, and clamp
him down tight by the shorts for the stamp.
as you bring down your studs,
mash your heel in his spuds,
put your teeth in and champ that champ, champ!
"
"we's bumpkins, we's yokels, we's hicks.
tho' hayseeds, we's not thick as bricks.
i swears i aint fakin',
a clever chawbacon ?
the sage from way out in the sticks.
"
"this chanel no. 5 ? does it rivet?
not for me, as the pain of the civet
is its real staying power ?
leaves it acrid and sour.
when there's suffering, i just can't forgive it.
"
"the pothead, when questing his vapours,
will call for his cigarette papers
and roll up his baccy ?
both normal and wacky ?
for camberwell carrot?type capers.
"
"the chervil this salad bowl has'll
be herby enough, but not dazzle.
i hate oregano ?
reminds me of guano ?
and don't get me started on basil...
"
"it's abyssal, this zone of the ocean,
deep and dark, somewhat lacking in motion
save for these bottom-feeders
(they're stony-faced bleeders).
i gave one a kiss ? no emotion.
"
"big john ran off shouting with glee,
""there's just one shrubland legume for me!""
billy blue said, ""his drinking
has addled his thinking ?
he's gone for a chaparral pea"".
"
"i know i can't drink at that pace, and?
oh god! ? i remember! ? disgrace, and?
misjudging embrace, and?
that look on her face, and?
my slinking off, suitably chastened.
"
"""by jingo, that mountain's a tall 'un,
and bagging its peak is my callin'!""
ascending with haste,
i stumbled ? disgraced ?
and lay at the bottom, chapfallen.
"
"my dear reader, so dapper, so pensive,
so clever, so wise, so extensive?
you look so great today ?
throw your plaudits my way
and succumb to my sweet charm offensive!
"
"if we hold the cilician gates,
we can see off wee al and his mates.
else it's battle at issus
and there he'll dismiss us ?
we're fearful, he's one of the greats!
"
"oh, my legs are so hot! well, perhaps
i'll go underwear-free, so the gaps
keep me cool round the crotch.
but i will have to watch
i wear pants when i'm out with the chaps.
"
"as she twirled by the door looking girlish:
""tell me, hon, are my teeth nice and pearlish?
is my make-up amiss?
is my bum big in this?""
well, to tell her the truth would be churlish?
"
"since they said my perversion was charmless
i've been trying so hard to self-harm less ?
not relieve my frustration
through amelotation.
in truth though, i'm really quite 'armless.
"
"in this poetry game, don't you vex;
a choriamb needn't perplex.
as a foot it's not flash,
merely dash dot dot dash ?
or as samuel morse would say, ""x"".
"
"my honour has been much maligned
in the minds of french ladies, i find.
of their chignons, worn loose,
my sweet praise seems abuse
when i say, ""you've nice buns from behind.""
"
"gangin hame frae tha pub on a fridae,
stumblin pished roond tha toun, an untidy,
ah wuz radge fer a pie,
an ah telt tha min, ""hie,
gie us twa plenn an ane ingan bridie!""
"
"my bean-counting fun's interrupted
as my ongoing sums are disrupted.
i see random amounts
in my online accounts ?
my cache memory must be corrupted!
"
"you're a wee bitty pished? get some suet.
add a dollop of oil from the cruet
(this'll ease its way through).
if the taste just won't do,
add some mince ? either do or don't chuet.
"
"active packaging's causing some ruffles.
i've my own cardboard box that reshuffles
the components of nosh.
my plain mushrooms, by gosh?
turned the buggers to p?rigord truffles!
"
"""it's 'channel isles' ? that is the way!""
""non! 'les iles de la manche' en fran?ais!""
""no, i ain't bein' rude!""
""mais c'est comme d'habitude!""
""but that border don't start till calais!""
"
"""my chaise longue is so comfy,"" she said.
""i shall stay here ? it's both chair and bed.
for the usual acts
(if you must know the facts)
i've a chamber pot down here instead.""
"
"good heavens! what's wrong with that horse?
he's so low at the back. and the claws!
yes, three toes, and no hooves!
that's the clincher ? this proves
he's a chalicothere! why, of course!
"
"a drinking man's own diagnosis:
""my hardening liver's prognosis
requires an abstention.
one month's my intention,
a bid to to ward off the cirrhosis...""
"
"down in texas, an error baptismal
by the preacher caused trouble abysmal.
with the font filled with crude,
utter havoc ensued.
it was oil, as he claimed, but not chrismal.
"
"raise yerself from yer slumber, me hearty.
though ye've supped on the grog, i must start 'ee.
'tis past ten o'clock, bill.
the anchor's acockbill ?
we pirates be goin' ter party?
"
"why my basin's this way is no mystery,
with its surface so mottled and blistery.
those five purple dots
were applied by my tots ?
that's my cinque-spotted sink's potted history.
"
"back in denmark, near lading, lived bill
(though i doubt very much he's there still).
big in transport logistics,
his accomplished statistics
with consignment receipts made ten mil'.
"
"y'all made me that cheeseburger brunch
of velveeta on patties (a bunch).
thank you very much guys,
now ah fancy some fries,
so ah'm leavin' the buildin' for lunch.
"
"caassimolar, the captain of slaughter?
don't know him? i think that you oughta.
aka caacrinolaas
and glasya-labolas?
just keep him away from your daughter.
"
"i hope one of these days to be hatched;
leave this shell for the real world, dispatched!
free-flying like crazy
without these chalazae ?
umbilical egg-bonds detached!
"
"there's a glint in messala's cold eyes,
""i'll give judah ben-hur a surprise.
he won't expect strikes
from my chariot's spikes.""
his comeuppance? he falls and he dies.
"
"angry choleric cried, ""i'm so mad ?
melancholic needs help when he's sad!""
answered sanguine, ""it's just
that phlegmatic ain't fussed
and i don't like to stop feeling glad.""
"
"the great wilde stood accused in the dock.
said lord queensberry, ""there's been anoc-
ratism-based fun,
with lord douglas?my son.""
one hundred years on, where's the shock?
"
"i think short-order cooks are just smashin'
with their hairnets and grease-spattered fashion:
cafeteria-style!
every once in a while
i will woo one (i ration my passion).
"
"my dear fellow, that big cherry-picker's
no good for my rescue. the snickers
of boys on the ground
are sure to resound
as i glide down to earth in my knickers.
"
"if you're well up on yoga and stuff,
sometimes four limbs are just not enough,
since ashtanga means eight.
my advice to you, mate ?
if you bend with a friend, please don't chuff.
"
"if your natural demeanour is meek
and your friends call you ""square"", do not seek
to conform with the boobish.
far better be cubish
than a tit any day of the week.
"
"ah, the envious glances of browsers!
the size of the bulge in my trousers
turns other men green... oh,
they call it adreno-
genital syndrome, or ""wowsers!""
"
"stated cheops, ""i'll swim for a while,
watch de workers stack stones in de pile.
i'll a pyramid get ?
why, de highest one yet.
i'm not dying, i'm just in de nile.""
"
"administratively bereft
lay india's punjab, now cleft.
but soon ? goodness gracious! ?
chandigarh (modern, spacious)
rose anew for the bit that was left.
"
"mariana, ma?ana, let's borrow
a few stolen hours, ease our sorrow.
in the north-west pacific?
we'll kiss, then? terrific!
i'll bid you adieu, till chamorro.
"
"with his 'canticle' simon referred
to a war through the counterpoint word.
now his 'clarion call'
sounds most poignant of all
as a hymn 'neath the folk song that's heard.
"
"the ghost of king edward is solemn.
he's accosting commuters to poll 'em;
""i'm aghast, at a loss,
have i passed charing cross,
and who is that bloke on the column?""
"
"a contented anonymuncule,
i write frivolous verse like a fool.
not for me approbation
or the standing ovation?
yet the critics are barely less cruel?
"
"my new baby monitor's wizard,
an invaluable tool for my lizard.
i don't fear that i'm missing
abdominal hissing
from that bit of trapped wind in his gizzard.
"
"dear amplias: greetings. it's paul.
bring your pals to our gang, it's a ball!
our heaven is cleaner,
we let you have wiener,
and don't make you trim it at all.
"
"john the baptist spoke up and i listened: ""um?
my job is dippin' and kissin' dem.""
he seems disappointed
that i've been anointed,
cos ever since then i have christendom.
"
"my birdwatching gal cries, ""enough!
you know nothing ? i'm calling your bluff!
that's a tit, not a booby,
you ignorant newbie.
don't think you've a chance with this chough!""
"
"how they hate me at i.t. support!
i'm installing these upgrades i bought
(some doritos and fries) ?
now my motherboard dies.
seems a chipset is not what i thought...
"
"an atmometer measures capacity
of evaporative efficacity,
or power for drying.
don't tell me i'm lying;
i demand you accept my veracity.
"
"an arbiter thinks it's a hoot
to settle a raging dispute.
though he charges a lot
(happy outcome or not),
arbitration beats filing a suit.
"
"the horse i prefer's andalusian,
but forget the suggested conclusion.
though i'm thrilled by the critters,
they give me the jitters.
my riding one's purely illusion.
"
"an ammeter measures the flow,
the amount of electrons that go
through circuits or wires,
if what you require's
to know if the flow's apropos.
"
"associative things will connect
with similar things, i expect,
or in some way relate
to a function or trait
or a path where they may intersect.
"
"those who accept incrementalism
see trends to and from fundamentalism,
but if credence is lent
to a random event
one defines that as plain accidentalism.
"
"she's surprised, and astounded as well;
overwhelmed, it is not hard to tell.
she is simply astonished
at being admonished,
and wants to crawl into her shell.
"
"your pitifully short remonstration
would improve with some amplification.
you said the right stuff,
though not nearly enough
for a competent expostulation.
"
"presenting a topic arcane
is always a bit of a strain.
to convey what's obscure
is a pain, to be sure.
i'd abstain, but my brain is too vain.
"
"alexander the great conquered greece,
or at least a significant piece.
alexandrian finds
may produce many kinds
of relics to sell, or just lease.
"
"chez gordon, beware of the dangers:
he's rude to both colleagues and strangers.
renowned for his cheffing,
his effing and jeffing,
and giein' it laldie with rangers.
"
"i am chippendale; it's understood
that the things that i do must look good.
here's a nicely formed seat,
and this chest's pretty neat ?
i'm a powerful man, i've got wood.
"
"my soothing demeanour assuages
those yobs with their tantrums and rages.
""want happy?"" i'll quiz 'em,
""drop radicalism,""
till the whole world both silent and beige is.
"
"""olde london's confusing,"" bo peep sighed.
""when i catch him, i'll tan that li'l sheep's hide!
he's fearless, he rambles
from smithfield to shambles
and scoffs at the mutton on cheapside.""
"
"frustrating, this anophelosis.
from the top of my head to my toeses,
i've had more than enough.
seems my every puff
draws me nearer the grave. up my doses!
"
"though my cassock will cover my ass,
and my alb adds decorum and class,
as sunday head honcho,
my glamorous poncho
or chasuble's needed for mass.
"
"""now observe this!"" he screamed in my lug-'ole.
""get up close to that sink with yer mug. ol'
dirt's centrifugal,
but water ? 'tis true, gal ?
centripetally flows down the plug-'ole.""
"
"???? ??????'? ? ??? ?? ? ???, ??.
????? '?' ?? ??? ??, '?' ?? ?????,
??? ? ???'? ???? ??? '?',
??? ??'? ??? ????? ?? ?? ?
??'? ? ?????? ??????? ?? ?? ??????.
"
"my grandma's insane through and through ?
seems she's bidding her marbles adieu.
""goodness, granny,"" i bleat,
""you've cream cakes on your feet.""
says she, ""honey, it's only a chou.""
"
"fast approaching the south spanish coast,
a funky young almohad host.
let the plains of iberia
ring out with hysteria,
""these guys are mo' rockin' than most!""
"
"under ""power, atomic"" you'll see
just how mystical physics can be.
you'd note e (if you cared)
equals m times c squared,
but beyond that is way beyond me.
"
"the ""acanthocephalous look""
(in a styling gel's best uses book)
shows coiffures that are spiny,
like a porcupine's heinie,
on the head of what must be a schnook.
"
"the sword on each shoulder alighted
as we witnessed sir lancelot knighted.
you expect he'd be cheered
but he wept in his beard
for his love of the queen unrequited.
"
"at the end of the old aqueduct,
a thirstyosaurus had sucked.
by the following dawn,
all the water was gone.
the whole lake in his tummy he'd tucked.
"
"our leader's depressing oration
seemed proof of cerebral ablation.
the cells that were grey
have eroded away,
much to the dismay of our nation.
"
"when a layman of low comprehension
has a catholic describe the ascension,
he pictures a scene
both sublime and serene
showing jesus collecting his pension.
"
"attila, my favorite hun,
was an ornery son of a gun.
he?d rape and he?d plunder;
he?d render asunder.
it?s really no wonder he won.
"
"the truth he had solemnly pledged,
but when questioned it's clear that he hedged.
the jury conferred
about what they had heard
and discounted each word he'd alleged.
"
"the adenohypophysial
pituit'ry lobe is for real,
but i don't have a clue
as to what it can do,
or what glandular scans might reveal.
"
"affettuoso is how you should play it.
i don't know how else i should say it.
to make it appealing,
perform it with feeling.
when your heart shows the way you obey it.
"
"mr hitler has signed this here ticket.
he's a sporting type, straight down the wicket.
no expansionist aims,
neville chamberlain claims,
else a war's on the cards ? it's not cricket!
"
"till i die i will never forget
how things went on the night that we met.
the appreciative grunts
as we dropped our false fronts ?
my dickie and your chemisette.
"
"my darling, i'm getting callosities
from your ardour with all its ferocities.
i've got carpet burns here
and tough skin on my rear.
do we have to attain such velocities?
"
"for my friends i have planned a surprise,
made a costume from yachting supplies.
like the chandler, who wears
a sou'wester and flares,
could there be a more fitting disguise?
"
"as the raga ascends with the antra,
lose your mind in the spiralling yantra.
chant it loud (don't keep shtum),
""om ma ni pad me hum""?
your handy six-syllable mantra.
"
"this hombre's cool gaze knows no fear.
he lunges ? a gasp, then a cheer.
now el toro's just meat
and the crowd's on its feet
for the matador. and a loose ear.
"
"crikey, cobber ? me guts are all crook!
now i'll clobber that nong of a cook!
i'm dead-set, ol' mucker,
his southern-fried tucker
consisted of underdone chook!
"
"my chain drive has boosted my biking;
i have vim and vitesse, to my liking.
my old penny-farthing ?
a rather bizarre thing ?
was useless on mountains, though striking.
"
"it's a chloroform pad, for chrissakes!
lets a man do his worst ? 'til she wakes.
your glass of cold milk
is just not of that ilk.
that's the difference, my friend, that it makes.
"
"pity wee cabassous unicinctus,
as he cries out in pain for some linctus.
""my tongue hurts,"" he pants.
""it's this diet of ants.""
heaven knows what it does to his sphincters.
"
"abstractionist art enigmatic
elicits a good deal of static
from critics who drawl
that it ain't art at all
and rightly belongs in the attic.
"
"a shape that's amorphous is not
what a playboy would think of as hot.
it's something we'd call
more like no shape at all.
you're in trouble if that's what you've got.
"
"it's entirely aleatory,
winning big when you don't know the story.
it's the luck of beginners
that always makes winners;
quite easy to see, a priori.
"
"with ageustia, palates are free
of those tastes so appealing to me.
fresh vittles or canned,
they'd be equally bland.
why you'd bother to eat, i can't see.
"
"said the flapper addressing her gecko,
""don't bore me with guys like el greco.
no classical pieces.
no portraits of jesus.
just bold geometric art deco!""
"
"her hair was like coal that's bituminous.
her eyes were exquisitely luminous.
her complexion so light
it stood out in the night,
like a boiled egg white: it's albuminous.
"
"if you're taking a ride in the car,
i'd be sure that the door's not ajar.
if it swings open wide,
you might lose what's inside,
or fall out, and not get very far.
"
"a long time ago in the way backs,
those villains of troy got their paybacks.
a horse full of guys
took the town by surprise.
the most valiant invader was ajax.
"
"as a critic i always will start
by tearing the opus apart.
compare and contrast;
be impressed, be aghast.
(but i really can't tell if it's art!)
"
"at first he surmised she was flighty,
being seen about town in her nightie,
but as closer he looked
it was clear he'd been hooked
by the goddess of love: aphrodite!
"
"a true astral plane always flies,
though not in conventional skies,
but with mystical grace
through ethereal space
in a deep astrological guise.
"
"to regain his cognition he battled,
but the thoughts in his head simply rattled.
""i'm ruined,"" he wailed;
""my theory has failed.""
this scholar was woefully addled.
"
"by her suitor the woman was charmed,
but was fearful the man might be armed.
was he totin' a gun,
or just lookin' for fun?
should this girl be aroused or alarmed?
"
"a horrible fat apparition
offended my cultured cognition.
was it something to fear or
my shape in the mirror?
i must needs improve my condition.
"
"the amalgamated union of trees
stands united in facing the breeze,
but each year they learn
that the leaves always turn,
and collectively they're gonna freeze.
"
"if you get yourself into a tangle,
and your butt someone's eager to mangle,
it's useful to pause
and consider the cause;
you might want to try a new angle.
"
"examining details minutely,
he noticed the nuance astutely.
for people with brains,
perspicacity reigns,
if the problem's approached resolutely.
"
"in reply to objections preventative,
said the confident sales representative:
""if we hope to agree,
then you simply can't be
so irritably argumentative.""
"
"with buttons and bows accessorial,
she mastered her splendor sartorial.
as her pulchritude soared,
she was widely adored,
and then offered positions uxorial.
"
"one with amathophobia flees
from the dust that might cause one to sneeze.
now this would appear
an irrational fear,
but an allergy is a disease.
"
"zoology students articulate
that a porcupine's hide is aciculate.
they needle their friends
to dubious ends
while with pointed aplomb they matriculate.
"
"libraries tend to be usable
having books that are highly perusable.
librarians state
the books mustn't be late,
and a borrower's rights aren't abusable.
"
"from complexions not clearly erotic
to extremes that are near arthropodic,
you crust and you flake
you endure the heartbreak
of psoriasis: skin acanthotic.
"
"insanity? heaven forfend.
but alas, it's no use to pretend.
what was sheer intellect
has been totally wrecked.
i'm afraid he's gone right 'round the bend.
"
"i am cursed with compelling affinity
for a vision of pure femininity
with curves just as regal
as the beak of an eagle.
i'm talking about aquilinity.
"
"our model was striking a pose,
enhanced by the absence of clothes.
i chose to suppose
that she knows there are those
trying not to expose what arose.
"
"my intent was that he be amused.
his reaction instead was confused.
he then became rude
and anger ensued,
so now i'm contused and abused.
"
"from chemicals don't expect progeny,
unless you accept abiogeny,
regarding which, saints
would voice some complaints,
but atheists never would lodge any.
"
"i just heard a medical rumor
that my eye's full of aqueous humor,
but i can't see the joke
because i'm the poor bloke
who is blind from an ocular tumor.
"
"academian status imputes,
what a new member never refutes:
the welcome suspicion
of vast erudition
and talent for lofty pursuits.
"
"with special computerized tools,
to simplify life, human fools
have built their own bane,
to our abject disdain;
artificial intelligence rules!
"
"when successful, it's tempting to dramatize
any words that you might anagrammatize.
shift the letters around
till a new word is found;
so diagram ends becomes grandma dies.
"
"they determined their lives worth aligning
as each for the other was pining.
it tugs at your heart
to keep puppies apart,
especially with all of that whining.
"
"i think of my sweet cognoscente
as particularly caliente.
she taught me a term
for pasta that's firm;
cooked correctly, we call it al dente.
"
"aphotic means dark as can be,
so dark that you really can't see
past the nose on your face,
not a glimmer or trace.
so how can you aim when you pee?
"
"for purposes ideological,
i sought out the deep anagogical
meaning unseen,
if such we may glean
from a look at the mere cosmological.
"
"when viciously casting aspersions,
or making vindictive assertions,
be careful, you see,
'cause then you might be
the target of nastier versions.
"
"our splendor and charm we assert
in the best way we can when we flirt.
so we lay it right out there
to end any doubt where
we might get rejected and hurt.
"
"his armpits exuded attractant.
the result was beyond olefactant.
it effected a hex
on the opposite sex,
whose demeanor turned lewdly reactant.
"
"he's a warmonger, our master hillary,
with a penchant for lots of artillery.
shooting missiles and mortars
at fictional borders,
this kid should be locked in a pillory.
"
"in the garden of ichabod barber
are felonious friends he will harbor.
his wife, who's a lady,
considers them shady,
as they are, 'neath the trees in the arbor.
"
"my shrink recommends i watch farces
to help me achieve a catharsis.
it's widely believed
that tension's relieved
watching people who fall on their arses.
"
"a gentleman's hormones, you see,
will show up in a gentleman's pee.
for example androsterone,
derived from testosterone,
is generally present in me.
"
"abolitionary forces, arise!
our cause is both worthy and wise.
for freedom we've fought;
we cannot be bought,
and neither should those other guys.
"
"asbestos is awesome, we learn,
a most difficult product to burn.
you can cook it a lot
and it never gets hot,
but it's toxic, and something to spurn.
"
"there's no reason to call me an ass.
for a burro, i simply won't pass.
as for stupid and rude,
i'm not that kind of dude;
i'm a good guy with oodles of class.
"
"amarantaceous indeed!
common ""pig"" is the name of this weed.
those sesquipedalian
words are so alien;
smart alecs ain't what we need.
"
"arranging things alphanumerically,
from alpha to zed, esoterically.
is better, i'd guess,
than the clutter and mess,
of approaching the project hysterically.
"
"asexual means only one
is required to get the job done.
reproduction's a snap,
with no marital crap,
but there's no one to share in the fun.
"
"the stage is a world, metaphorically,
where actors pose questions rhetorically:
a frivolous frolic
through fables symbolic,
defining our lives allegorically.
"
"in the churchyard, two schoolboys are weeping.
they're afraid they heard some body creeping.
have they woken the dead?
is it true, what's been said,
the deceased are not dead, merely sleeping?
"
"take some amidopyrine for fever,
a reviver and trusted reliever
from the onset of pain.
but hang on! think again!
fatal side effects? it's a bereaver!
"
"i employed a young nurse at a dear rate
to massage me all over with cerate.
three parts wax, seven lard,
when it dried, it got hard.
(i've a growing regard for this stearate.)
"
"in imperial germany's day,
member states sang the emperor's way
when it suited the whole.
adlegation's the role
they'd demand in return for their ""yay"".
"
"if i fatten my livestock with oats,
rolls of fabulous flab stretch their coats.
in their bulges so flaccid,
caproic, an acid,
is what makes them smell like old goats.
"
"look for panda hill, west tanzania:
mine your bariopyrochlore here.
it's niobium-rich
and has strontium, which
make it worth digging up. persevere!
"
"by the cam, seven cardinals wait
for another, their coxswaining mate.
they are rowers, whose dream
is a catholic team.
they could call it the cardinalate.
"
"when it's freezing, the penguin still goes
back and forth with no socks on its toes.
caloricity's what
keeps the body temp hot
so the blood can still flow on the floes.
"
"lake avernus in italy's smokin':
for our feathered companions, it's chokin'.
birds that fly overhead
breathe the fumes and fall dead,
not averse to, but past, being woken.
"
"my assistant once went to cabinda,
where a blast from a bomb smashed his winda ?
though angolans persist
there, insurgents resist.
(his hotel was reduced to a cinda.)
"
"i've an armil encircling my wrist,
golden strands that are bound in a twist.
add more bands and it's clear,
an armillary sphere
could be made with a flick of my fist.
"
"when young michael's behaviour got worse,
father patrick's reaction was terse:
""you are going to hell,
and the bible can tell
you precisely how, chapter and verse.""
"
"said a sorcerer, casting a spell,
""heal those membranes, malignant of cell!
may your tumours be fewer!
may they never mature!""
(but the acronine worked just as well.)
"
"if your absolute ethical rigour
can be tempered with relative vigour,
what's a sin by the book
may be fine. only look
for a just casuistical trigger.
"
"the victorians noted with clarity,
in the lower class, moral disparity.
the deserving they knew,
and the criminal too;
only one was thought worthy of charity.
"
"there's chablis, deep in burgundy, sleeping
while the vines in its vineyards are creeping.
but the wines they produce
are the grape gods' own juice,
dry and white, made for drinking, not keeping.
"
"gliding high above snow-covered trees,
swaying gently, like sails in a breeze ...
on this chairlift, our skis
weigh a lot on our knees,
and our chins are beginning to freeze.
"
"from his last one he lights his next fag,
gets a fix of his drug with each drag.
""where's my wealth?"" he will joke.
""up in smoke! i am broke.""
as he chain-smokes, he coughs up each gag.
"
"in mitosis, a spindle attaches
to your chromosomes' special dense patches.
here the chromatids split
in an x-shape, then quit
to be daughters in anaphase batches.
"
"i had planned to put jam on my bread,
when a radio ham turned and said,
""we don't do that round here;
we're told jams interfere
with our signals, so please do not spread.""
"
"aenesidemus would quickly insist
that conclusions we need to resist,
as a question or doubt
will most surely come out.
it's his main philosophical grist.
"
"for bases we like alkalimeters;
for acids we use acidimeters.
they measure intensities,
which foster propensities
for cordoning off safe perimeters.
"
"to ascribe is to give someone credit
on account of they did it or said it.
but whate'er you relate,
won't you please get it straight;
it's not nice, when ascribing, to edit.
"
"the literal target of morta
is likely to be your aorta.
losing blood from your ticker
will kill you much quicker,
a process that's slicker (well sorta).
"
"when we allegorize, we relate
a fiction, in which we create
some fantastical tales
from the truth that prevails,
in regard to man's ultimate fate.
"
"an aleurometer's not really that
which one uses to measure a cat,
but rather to scrutin-
ize how well the gluten
is making the bread big and fat.
"
"the point of this brief exegesis?
an example to show aphaeresis.
and so 'fraid for afraid
(aphaeretically made)
is a ""truncated front"" kind of  thesis.
"
"hemostatic sounds so very cryptic
for the pencil described as a styptic.
but whatever the name,
it lives up to its claim.
it's the truth absolute, apodictic!
"
"if some of his speeches you'd scrutinized,
you'd have seen that they're all platitudinized.
he thought he was slick
when he laid it on thick:
made me sick how that hick attitudinized.
"
"amoebas that live in hamtramck
have sex lives completely agamic.
they start out as loners
who soon become cloners,
but i'd rather pair in a hammock.
"
"overhearing the thoughts of a nerd,
i couldn't absorb what i heard.
things acataleptic
just make me dyspeptic.
i registered nary a word.
"
"the architect noted ironically
(pointing out architectonically)
that buildings designed
to be one of a kind
tend to suffer deficiencies chronically.
"
"aonian references muses,
those creatures a poet abuses.
when one fails to see
what the next word might be,
the muses are lovely excuses.
"
"aseptic is one of those terms
suggesting the absence of germs,
or lacking vitality
(poetic banality);
these are meanings that webster confirms.
"
"he fed me a bunch of baloney an'
affected to be apollonian.
a passel of rot,
because noble he's not,
so i told him what's what; i'm draconian.
"
"the ignorant judge passed the buck
to amicus curiae chuck,
who as friend to the court
said in this kind of tort
one can rule if it looks like a duck.
"
"have you ever had freshly caught cobia?
my advice if the answer is no: be a
little more willing
to try food that's thrilling,
unless you've got ichthyophobia.
"
"atalanta was notably fleet
and insisted her suitors compete.
she whipped all those nominees
until young hippomenes'
temptations contrived sweet defeat.
"
"it's more subtle than having arthritis,
this condition called descemetitis.
inflammation that's smack
on my cornea's back
gives me psychosomatic gastritis.
"
"an ailurophilic-type fetish
for kitties that seemed to be pettish
excited him so
that he'd soon have to go,
but resisted and often got wettish.
"
"he was acting as mad as a hatter,
begging alms with illogical patter.
was it madness, or guile?
then he winked, with a  smile:
""i'm an abraham-man ? it's the latter!""
"
"chumbawamba, you rebels, go on!
throw a pitcher of water on john!
what a juvenile prank,
and your pop career sank
in the water you forced john to don.
"
"as we foundered, the ship broke apart,
and i blamed our new helmsman, young bart.
bart responded, ""why me?""
i said, ""didn't you see
all those marks labelled rocks on the chart?""
"
"she's my chum, she's my pal, she's my friend.
she's first-rate, she's the mate i'd defend.
she's my partner in crime,
my companion through time,
my associate, right to the end.
"
"now the light brigade's charge seems absurd,
the result of an order misheard.
russian guns belched their breath
in the valley of death:
dead or injured, two hundred ? a third.
"
"adenylate cyclase is great!
it's an enzyme and catalyst, mate.
it will yield (when applied
to a nucleotide,
atp) amp (cyclic state).
"
"brief encounter, the saddest of tales:
when two marriages go off the rails,
two hearts meet in a waiting room ?
now it's a dating room.
stiff upper lip still prevails.
"
"short attention span? try channel-hopping
with your tv remote, never stopping
long enough to have got
any punchline or plot,
flicking quickly from news to home shopping.
"
"avernian comes from averno,
a lake above dante's inferno
from whose sulphurous fires
rising fumes kill all flyers,
as the birds that the toxins deter know.
"
"sting cds! nylon shirts! garden gnome!
brocken crockery! jigsaws! a comb!
buy my bric-a-brac trash ?
i'll be keeping the cash
because charity starts in the home.
"
"actihaemyl's an extract from blood
drained from calves as they chew on the cud.
it is claimed it deflects
radiation's effects.
ask the cows on chernobyl's foul mud.
"
"""i'm cephalically challenged,"" he said,
when he joined the rebellion instead
of just keeping his distance.
they crushed the resistance,
and truly he did lose his head.
"
"little cup on the tip of a coral,
it is shaped by a polyp quite floral.
but abandon the hunch
that a calicle bunch
would top tulips in mending a quarrel.
"
"pyromaniac pete likes his cetane:
""hydrocarbon of choice, never beatane.
it ignites when compressed!""
but he's never confessed
to compressing his cetane for heatane.
"
"caledonian canal: feast your eyes ?
drift along between highlands and skies.
you're on deck with a malt
in the great glen tear fault.
when you get to loch ness, big surprise!
"
"there is nothing new under the sun.
what we think of as modern's been done:
to be centrally heated,
the ancients completed
their homes with a caliduct run.
"
"it's a plush persian carpet i want,
but afford such fine weaving i can't.
i'll save bread and instead
buy inferior thread ?
a cadene, from the nearby levant.
"
"a cadastral map shows us how grand,
and whose holding, is each piece of land.
where's the boundary line?
is it your fence or mine?
it's a useful map. keep it to hand.
"
"""father patrick? you know that old key
to the ambry? please lend it to me.
holy oils in their jars
fill that cupboard. my car's
lubrication is low ? father p?""
"
"it's my ninety-ninth birthday this year,
but there's nobody raising a cheer.
they will not beat their drums
till the telegram comes,
that centennially sent souvenir.
"
"when the last chagatai speaker died
in uzbekistan, i almost cried.
now no songs will be sung
in that proud ancient tongue:
near a thousand years' culture denied.
"
"in the town known to serbs as ""dried mud"",
1919 delivered a thud.
for a meteorite
fell to earth there one night
but (the mud being dry) without flood.
"
"i've  a suit made entirely of maille
from the coif to the chausses, top to tail.
not chain mail (there's no stamp!):
i'm the tournament champ,
as i battle with axe, sword and flail.
"
"adolescent antonio's roots
were in football, not film. (still, he shoots!)
almod?var brought fame
to banderas's name.
he wed mel, starred as zorro, played boots.
"
"said the monk in the monastery, ""shucks,
calligraphical copying sucks.
takes forever to capture
each biblical chapter ?
and don't forget, time equals bucks.""
"
"when bob dylan played manchester trade
hall, his fans felt abused and betrayed.
""no acoustic guitar?
don't care how good you are
on electric ? that's not how folk's played.""
"
"""now, no kissing, john,"" melanie pleads.
""one thing leads to another, which leads
to another, which leads
to another, which leads ? ""
chain reaction is just what john needs!
"
"if you fail to use minnows to lure
the chain pickerel, you will catch fewer.
it's a fish-eating fish
(not much taste as a dish),
which a spinner may also procure.
"
"one day ronald the hairy and bald ron
were debating the size of a cauldron.
ronald guessed, ""thirty-four?""
""thirty-six,"" bald ron swore.
ronald urged, ""not in front of the chaldron.""
"
"please would somebody tell me what other
kind of birth you expect from a mother?
it's called childbirth, not teen-birth
or wrinkled has-been-birth:
a new baby sister or brother.
"
"strangulation's compounded my hernia.
got no sympathy here ? ""that'll learn ya!""
but the pain's really got to me;
i need a celotomy.
one cut, guts, and soon we'll return ya!
"
"every winter, carl noticed the fact
that the male swedish chaffinches lacked
any suitable mates.
for the female migrates ?
it's great britain's mild shores which attract.
"
"give me marzipan, sweet almond paste!
when i get that amygdaline taste,
i feel great, i feel swell.
(but then, arsenic's smell
is the same ? is this battenberg laced?)
"
"alphonso the wise ruled castile,
wrote alphonsine star tables with zeal
(they're astronomers' charts),
lacked political smarts
and died friendless, ill-starred, in seville.
"
"""i'm a chain smoker. that's why i stink.
this i recognise. but i can't think
why i'm feeling like death,
always gasping for breath.""
""you're a chain smoker. duh! make the link.""
"
"cross the channel by train in a tunnel?
or embark on a ship with a funnel?
you get sick when you sail,
even sicker by rail ?
if the other don't get you the one'll.
"
"rosie lee is a wise chiromancer ?
cross her palm with some silver, she'll answer.
by the lines on your hand
she can see how things stand.
(and by night she's a wild gypsy dancer.)
"
"there are voices inside of my head.
""i hear voices,"" the active voice said.
passive: ""voices are heard.""
antipassive demurred ?
""well i hear, but hear from them instead.""
"
"mr gore, gee, you looked kinda sad ?
all was lost, still you clung to that chad.
bush held on for the win,
but his mandate's as thin
as the incomplete punch that chad had.
"
"oh i do like a nice cuppa chai,
breakfast, lunchtime and supper. here's why ?
sweet and milky, my vice is
black tea with warm spices,
the genuine taste of mumbai.
"
"smelt of roses, my gran's chest of drawers.
and when gran died, my mum said, ""it's yours.""
inside, hidden, i found
scented notes, ribbon-bound ?
billets-doux gran received in the wars.
"
"chubby checker, i wish you'd desist ?
it was you, got me dancing the twist.
i was still twisting when
you sang ""let's twist again!""
then i fell and i twisted my wrist.
"
"let that chymotrypsinogen lurk
in your gut, pancreatical perk!
it's an enzyme that's split
by the trypsin there. it
then turns proteins to acids. good work!
"
"al martino first topped the pop chart,
with a ballad called ""here in my heart"".
he remained number one
in a nine-week-long run.
for a singer, that's not a bad start.
"
"does it slither and writhe, does it squirm
like a tadpole? then i can confirm:
what you have in your hand
is cercarial and
parasitic, a trematode worm.
"
"he reclined on a sofa and joked
about velvet and tweed, and he smoked.
above him a spire
twisted higher and higher.
below him the coal miners choked.
"
"that makes four before breakfast, okay?
i am churning out lim'ricks today!
maybe nine more by lunch,
two or three while i munch ?
but the quality suffers this way!
"
"with his chequebook, the journalist thought
there was no one who couldn't be bought.
but when troops sold their story
(""no guts and no glory!""),
was it only for money they fought?
"
"when i'm down in the dumps i feel blue.
when i'm mad, i see red. wouldn't you?
when i'm mellow, there's yellow.
a miserable fellow
looks black. as for pink, that's taboo!
"
"you'll forgive me for starting to scowl;
it's so crowded in here i could howl.
in this train in japan,
like sardines in a can,
we are crammed side by side, cheek by jowl.
"
"you're the chancellor of the exchequer,
roundly hated, economy wrecker.
if you can't meet your budget,
you'll just have to fudge it.
be prudent, and keep up your pecker.
"
"it's the dead heart of africa, chad.
civil war. land-locked desert. all bad!
and it can't even claim
to have given its name
to a waste-paper product. how sad.
"
"this old hillfort's defences are great ?
any would-be attacker should wait.
it's impregnable, as
it's bivallate, so has
not just one ditch but two (and a gate).
"
"chinese whispers ? an old parlour game:
is the message you pass on the same
as one whispered to you?
did you hear it wrong too?
(from a time when all games were this lame!)
"
"there's no doubt; it is as you'd suppose ?
it's to church that the churchgoer goes.
in the same way, it's clear
that it isn't his ear
but his nose that the noseblower blows.
"
"the cherenkov effect is alarming.
a reactor glows blue ? surely harming?
there's no cause for concern:
it's a glow, not a burn,
and electromagnetically charming.
"
"i was pure, did the things that i ought.
hadn't lusted in word or in thought.
one who loved from afar
gave me diamonds, a car;
and i said, ""i was chaste ? now i'm caught!""
"
"in the capsule, alarms hurt my ears.
the vibrations reduce me to tears,
as i plunge ever faster
to earth (and disaster),
thinking, ""space and death ? final frontiers.""
"
"bernard edwards, nile rodgers ? as chic,
they made disco risqu?, tongue in cheek,
with unlyrical rhymes
(""yowzah! yowzah!""), ""good times"",
irresistible beats, and ""le freak"".
"
"for dessert, darling, chocolate fondue,
melted chocolate and cream, just for you,
with all manner of fru-it
to dip deep in to it,
then suck, maybe lick, even chew ...
"
"oily cacodyl ? arsenic-based:
its mere vapour can kill if misplaced.
in dry air, it is just a
spontaneous combuster.
blackens tongues, smells of garlic ? don't taste!
"
"they tried antidesertification ?
planted palm trees, installed irrigation.
but they can't understand
why that great wall of sand
still advances, engulfing their nation.
"
"one bicarbonate more than the rest ?
that of calcium ? makes me protest.
it turns soft water hard
so your lather is marred,
and the limescale it leaves is a pest.
"
"the ceibo tree (lat. erythrina
crista-galli), of spiny demeanour,
offers coral-red blooms
to cheer two nations' glooms ?
those of uruguay and argentina.
"
"i ate curry, then pontefract cakes,
and then senna pods ? oh, my gut aches!
then strong coffee. must rush
to the toilet and flush,
for my cacatory demon awakes.
"
"patchy cloud! in my toolkit i grope
for my trusty old aethrioscope.
under grey skies and clear,
see, the temperature here
slightly varies ? the 'scope gives the dope.
"
"if i say i'm a wolf in sheep's clothing,
i'm not lupine or ovine. it's no thing
so literal, of course.
i'm a trojan gifthorse,
using guile to attack those i'm loathing.
"
"on my handlebar, lever pulls cable,
which in turn pulls a lever. i'm able,
with caliper brakes,
to avoid pains and aches ?
to pull up, not fall down, when unstable.
"
"cacophonic, the music of tallis!
polyphonic excess, choral malice!
in his counterpoint, clarity
yields to vulgarity.
yet he's popular down at the palace.
"
"you are not pulling girls with efficiency ?
i  believe you have lost your alliciency.
at your failure to score,
i console, ""plenty more.""
you say, ""plenty more what?"" i say, ""fish in sea.""
"
"""meet perrey,"" said neighbour pete merrey.
""we're having a nice glass of sherry,
and later or sooner
we'll talk about spooner
or anagrams rhyming with ferry.""
"
"aa, rac, acs?
they are motorists' clubs, you can guess.
i'm a member of this one:
acs. that's the swiss one,
and my car is my goddess: ds.
"
"my neighbour was utterly hateful
and certainly very debateful.
he quarrelled and lied;
he was spiteful and snide.
when he died we were all rather grateful.
"
"demonolatry?that's when you pray
in a very unorthodox way,
and your worship's directed
not at god, as expected,
but a devil (and thus led astray).
"
"east german: a person who came
from the state gdr. and this same
was, as you may determine,
a republic, and german;
democratic? well, only in name.
"
"calvin coolidge became number one
when warren g. harding was done.
as a taciturn pal,
he was dubbed ""silent cal""
and proclaimed, ""i do not choose to run.""
"
"""to perceive, to discern, to decide""?
yes, decern has a meaning quite wide,
and it also can be
""to adjudge, to decree"".
(my glossary's such a good guide!)
"
"when the teeth in one's mouth aren't many
(case in point is my great-grandpa lennie),
there's an adjective fit
to describe him, and it
is edental (that's not worth a penny).
"
"bostic's hit number one was ""flamingo"".
other pieces he played?also bingo!
so this crazy acrostic
tries to show us earl bostic:
iconography isn't my lingo.
"
"the old oil lamp i bought on vacation
in rheims, in a shop by the station,
now lights up at a flick
with a bulb, not a wick,
after thorough electrification.
"
"""at an earlyish hour,"" said kevin,
""you have come, but i told you eleven!""
i could barely disguise
my unbounded surprise
when i looked at my watch: it was seven!
"
"we've got to get out of this place
where we're rats to the upper-class race.
let us emigrate now?
adios, see ya, ciao.
it's preferred to the hardships we face.
"
"emergency exit: a door
or a gap in a wall or a floor.
irrespective of shape
it's designed for escape,
when there's fire, a bomb, or a bore.
"
"a contributor, wielding my pen,
i write limericks, post them, and then,
when a workshopping ed
makes suggestions i dread,
i can do it all over again.
"
"the motorists' club avd
is germany's oldest, i see
(from eighteen-ninety-eight),
but figures of late
show its membership ranking at ""3"".
"
"my friend, a photographer, rages:
""developing photos takes ages!
they're also unclear,
and therefore i fear
that the blurriness ruins my wages.""
"
"how eminent, brilliant you are!
you have played that round five under par,
and you'll win the whole lot,
just as likely as not?
i'll be waiting for you at the bar.
"
"aj: that's auberge de jeunesse,
french youth hostel service. access
is by membership card,
and you may well regard
such a place as a low-cost address.
"
"i am foreign to english, that's what,
so assistance i still need a lot.
and i will not be cross
if you act the big boss
who may tell me my writing is rot.
"
"with cd on your car (not a bike),
you're no person who's likely to strike.
corps diplomatique
is the crowd or the clique
of ambassadors and/or the like.
"
"while, everywhere, chess buffs debated
how their game skills could aptly be rated,
arpad elo's solution
(an astute contribution!)
proved the best method thus far created.
"
"in my early days maths was a curse;
i grew older, but things became worse.
my weakness in counting
keeps constantly mounting.
it's a story of bad turned to verse.
"
"i think you are grossly sophistic
when you tell me  that i'm egoistic.
you think i'm conceited
(might need to be treated),
but i think i'm just realistic.
"
"denotement: ""i tell you quite clearly,
miss brearly, i love you most dearly.""
her answer was terse,
making clear that my verse
was a loser?and not only merely.
"
"disinheritance?what a surprise!
it makes all sorts of rumors arise,
and it's grossly unfair:
now, i'm no millionaire.
did dad hate me? you might well surmise.
"
"scots' national emblem, the thistle,
was fashioned of many a bristle
unlike neighbour's daughter,
the belle of the quarter,
who makes all the lads shout and whistle.
"
"they baptized me and gave me a name
that i feel is a mighty big shame.
no, i wasn't named sue
as a boy, this is true?
i am wolf. now you know i'm fair game.
"
"emergency treatment?that's when
there are homophone rhymes that i pen
that will likely not fly.
""wait!"" the workshoppers cry,
as they rush to assist once again.
"
"i'm conceited and rather self-centered.
independent, i've never been mentored.
i have on my shelf
ideals of myself.
i'm an egoist. why have you entered?
"
"adverseness: i raise my objection
to this petty, unwelcome inspection!
you have fostered a claim
to an opposite aim,
and that's clearly not my direction.
"
"the black shoe-cream had just been applied
to my shoes by a boot-black named clyde.
then he took it and spread
it all over my head.
""you have ebonised peter!"" mom cried.
"
"a crouke (obsolete) is a crock
or a jar, as for water or hock,
made of china or glass,
even pewter or brass?
i have many such vessels in stock.
"
"fred is such an unusual fellow.
he killed his dear wife like othello.
such damnification
whipped up his elation?
he danced like a mad punchinello.
"
"electrophotography ""scenes""
are produced by electrical means?
like the copies with such
a facsimile touch
you see leave xerographic machines.
"
"breaking glass, or the law, for some blokes
is ok when they're just playing jokes;
from criminal action
they get satisfaction
for the sake of a gag or a hoax.
"
"allowably written, my views
avoid homophonic taboos.
my work will gain lustre,
and surely pass muster,
so final approval ensues.
"
"raw data is tricky, indeed,
since it's not very easy to read.
but the end of this plight,
after all, is in sight.
data processors: that's what i need.
"
"disguisedness: look, here's a bee.
at a glance, someone might fail to see
that this beautiful creature
has one special feature:
it's costumed. look closely. it's me!
"
"beleaguerment: that's when my friend
talks of marriage for hours on end,
and i don't stand a chance
to resist her advance?
so i do what i didn't intend.
"
"i wish that my very first kiss
had been nothing but pleasure and bliss,
but the lass gave a cry,
hit and blackened my eye.
i was humbled and wholly demiss.
"
"disinherited!?dad was strong-willed.
so he left me with zip. i'm not thrilled.
know why i'm wearing black?
'cause i can't pay him back.
see, i'd like to (but can't) get him killed.
"
"an ebonist soon found a taker
for his work as a cabinet maker.
but now we all know
that black hardwood was faux,
and that ""ebony"" worker? a faker!
"
"decreation: destruction or ruin?
is that (oh, my god!) what you're brewin'?
you're killing my spouse,
and you're burning my house.
now just what do you think you are doin'?
"
"in baseball you use a strong bat
made of northern white ash?round, not flat
like the limeys' in cricket
where the base is called wicket?
for the ball that you want to get at.
"
"when you tell me, my friend, you congree,
or agree, then i hope it's with me!
but if problems arise
and you don't put me wise,
i just might not congree then with thee.
"
"defraudment: privation by fraud.
if you happen to be on the board
of a firm (selling honey)
and embezzle the money,
such fraud could help build up a hoard.
"
"though the cholera didn't quite kill,
alexander was critically ill.
friends and family, his boss?
they were all at a loss.
not the doc, though. he figured his bill.
"
"peter out, disappear, melt away?
effete i might be, but today
tides will turn, i am certain,
each play sees a curtain?
recreation, no further decay!
"
"eat your dinner and don't think of sharing.
go yell loudly, don't mind people staring.
overlook want and need
in your word and your deed?
stake your claim, slake your greed, without caring.
"
"as builders of earthworks, prolific
were the english; to be quite specific,
take cissbury ring,
maiden castle?each thing
is an earthwork that's truly terrific!
"
"amour is a typical word
used for love if you write like a nerd
in intimate e-mails
directed at females,
who scorn such attempts as absurd.
"
"an ascetic ascribes to the thesis
that much can be gained from ascesis.
a life that's worthwhile
needs extreme self-denial:
no fooling around like a rhesus.
"
"at first he seemed merely inquirent,
but he proved, for my job, an aspirant.
so i rated him low
and suggested he go,
'cause, as you all know, i'm a tyrant.
"
"now arco means played with a bow,
giving notes a continuing flow.
pizzicato's a thing
where you pluck on the string.
these are facts every fiddler should know.
"
"in medieval times, french albigenses
eschewed vulgar orgies and frenzies.
their behavior was such
that they never had much
of a need to make cutesie amendsies.
"
"to altercate: bicker or fight.
you'd expect that a reprobate might,
with no provocation,
as pure recreation,
enjoy it all day, and at night.
"
"now monkeys and apes are notorious
for living a life that's arboreous;
one frequently sees
how they swing through the trees,
and to live there must truly be glorious.
"
"those big all-terrain vehicles go
on bad muddy roads and on snow.
what owners conceal is
the real main appeal is
impressing the people they know.
"
"alternating current reverses
as it powers our homes and disperses,
running all that we need,
but be cautious, take heed:
it's provided some business for hearses.
"
"they recorded his long attestation,
accepting without reservation
the fanciful tale
of san quentin quail,
and going to jail sans probation.
"
"like my bluffness? you're  ever so nice?
when i tell you your food needs some spice
or your shoes should be polished,
your house be demolished,
you take it as honest advice.
"
"they baptized me (that means i was christened),
while my mom and dad's eyes brightly glistened.
they gave me a name
that's outrageous, a shame!
i know now that i shouldn't have listened.
"
"english history appeared much too flat
to sellar and yeatman. they sat
down quickly, got writing.
their work was exciting:
'twas 1066 and all that.
"
"choreus (the same as a trochee):
a poetic foot used to say ""pokey""
or ""candy"" or ""whisky"",
plus ""dandy"" and ""risky"".
that's all there's to say, okey-dokey?
"
"giant branches have crashed through your ceiling
while potatoes and pears you are peeling.
things come down with a clatter,
but you think it won't matter?
you're emotionless, not moved by feeling.
"
"my neighbour, a potter, was hurt;
his reaction unfriendly and curt,
'cause the large earthen tray
which he'd made of grey clay
made me comment, ""that's clay? it's just dirt!""
"
"with cz on your vehicle, you
could well be a czech, this is true.
but until '93
'twas cs, not cz.
then slovakia proudly withdrew.
"
"my grandmother's freshly made creamcake
(lots of cream!) was my obvious dreamcake,
till one day (it's the truth!)
it destroyed a front tooth
and became an unbearable screamcake.
"
"deterrent example: my dad
was fed up with the manners i had.
so to show my young brother
how to treat his dear mother,
he battered my backside like mad.
"
"got ch on your vehicle? this
tells the world that you're probably swiss.
you may be, in the end,
just a visiting friend
who has hired the thing, just like chris.
"
"there are fifty-four faces in six
vivid colours that make quite a mix.
to play with this cube
you should not be a rube ?
one colour per face is the fix.
"
"at customs they all want to know
if you're holding some grass or some blow.
they'll check all your body ?
if the search is not shoddy,
they'll know where you put all the snow.
"
"it's a breach of  the contract, i fear.
the wording's abundantly clear.
you didn't remember
to come in december.
you'll hear from my lawyer next year.
"
"if you are a techie or clerk,
a cubicle's oft where you work.
its privacy sucks,
but it helps to save bucks
for a guy who's not in one, the jerk.
"
"a bus service helps clean the air;
it may smell, but our cars are not there.
if all of us strive
to ride more than drive,
we'll save money and show that we care.
"
"call it cubism; cubist; cubistic:
seems simple? or simply simplistic?
with facets of faces
and plazas and places,
it's art, by great artists ? artistic.
"
"a craft beer is certain to please ?
there's quality everyone sees.
they use the best hops,
and the barley is tops,
so don't drink it with tasteless kraft cheese.
"
"cyan's a deep greenish-blue.
it's the blue that your printer can do.
and in cmyk
it's the c, by the way.
many blues contain cyanide too.
"
"at breakfast with tea as a drink,
eat crabapple jelly ? it's pink.
it's eaten by most
with butter on toast,
and tastier than you would think.
"
"there's banditry out in those woods,
by a desperate, young gang of hoods.
though this robin is merry,
to the sheriff, he's scary:
he's stealing the rich people's goods.
"
"one eventide (evening), full moon,
in the year '69, end of june,
my girl friend just kissed me
good-bye and dismissed me,
""i won't be the wife of a  loon.""
"
"""check?and checkmate,"" i said, and my mate
looked surprised. his defence (king h8)
was now spoiled, since my queen,
which he ought to have seen,
had just cornered his king?sealed his fate.
"
"at chess my opponent was sad:
in spite of the good start he'd had,
i flattened him badly,
and he mumbled sadly,
""a falloff like this drives me mad.""
"
"now, encephalology, ted,
describes what goes on in one's head,
in other words, brain,
its structure, its pain,
but not yours?you've got none, said the med.
"
"continuing trespass: when jack
keeps on painting my bicycle black.
i repaint it in white,
but the following night
this rogue brings the ugly black back.
"
"an assumption which may well be true:
if you didn't do it, then?who?
your gaiters are muddy,
your fingers are bloody?
the killer (my fair bet) is you!
"
"deliberate defence?get this clear:
of attacks from your side, i've no fear.
'cause i'll cut all your wires
and i'll flatten your tyres,
so you won't have a chance to come near.
"
"abbreviations can look just like this:
mr., mrs., or messrs. (not miss).
their number one strength
is reduction in length.
cbe?this is english (i'm swiss).
"
"pete's espousal: a happy event
which was planned so that little was spent.
he was given a wife
for the rest of his life,
and the rings weren't bought, only lent.
"
"my ego trip sure isn't cricket,
but for me there is no way to lick it.
i let the world know
i'm the star of the show?
and my ego trip won't need a ticket.
"
"that's czechvar, a tasty czech beer
that's from budweis ? they brew it, that's clear.
that's not the same crud
that's the popular bud,
that's got its old name over here.
"
"burnt sienna's a rich reddish brown;
it's one of the first you put down.
it's made from a clay
that they dug in the day
in the picturesque tuscany town.
"
"close-hauled, nearly into the wind,
she was pointing ? the skipper just grinned.
if we trim the sails right,
a sure win is in sight.
if they luff, he will roar we have sinned.
"
"vinca is almost a weed ?
it can spread without going to seed.
it's a creeper that sends
out low runners and tends
to cover your yard with great speed.
"
"his bank account's totally flush.
he got there ahead of the crush
of miners who came
for fortune and fame.
he's known as the czar of the rush.
"
"the crabgrass that grows in my lawn
spreads wildly from dusk until dawn.
but if i am brave
and decide just to pave,
then this troublesome weed will be gone.
"
"the crafters who show in our shop
are always the top of the top.
some knit and some sew,
some hammer or throw,
and one makes a decorative mop.
"
"a crevice is not a crevasse;
it's smaller and simpler to pass.
it's never as wide,
and you can't fall inside:
on the whole, nowhere near the same class.
"
"there was a young man from the sticks
whose family is now in a fix.
he traded their land
for a bucket of sand.
brainless kids and the market don't mix.
"
"business expenses seem great
as you gleefully pile up your plate.
if they're claimed to the max,
you may pay much less tax
and potentially gain much more weight.
"
"the brake pads are made just to squeeze
on the disks, whensoever you please.
for maximum traction
to stop all the action,
pump the brakes so the wheels will not freeze.
"
"communications technology's cool ?
it's a useful and powerful tool.
chat all day with your friends,
so the fun never ends,
but it's easy to look like a fool.
"
"in acoustics the power you hear
falls off as you're no longer near.
an inverse square law
determines how raw
noise will sound when it gets to your ear.
"
"superfino arborio rice
makes risotto especially nice.
adding mushrooms is fine,
and we always use wine.
""take your time"" is my final advice.
"
"the game was much worse than a rout.
""a bloodbath!"" the newspapers shout.
the columnists roared,
and hyperbole poured.
were they gored? no, their team just struck out.
"
"the car phone was held to her ear
by her father, still trying to steer.
his wife heard the train,
as her family was slain.
the coroner's verdict was clear.
"
"a crimper's a tool that is able
to fasten a plug to a cable.
if you use it just right
and get it real tight,
your network will be much more stable.
"
"a brokerage house is a place
where deals can be made at a pace
that would make your head spin
'cause they're trying to win
in a lucrative high-finance race.
"
"a creator is someone who writes,
or who photographs wonderful sights,
or a painter, perchance,
or a great chef in france
who can cook up delicious delights.
"
"when for re-installation you strive
and start up with a disk in a drive,
if the content is suitable,
and the media's bootable,
your system will soon come alive.
"
"the sound faded out by and by,
'cause the batteries failed. mum would cry,
since the radio show
on madame mirabeau
was now lost to her ears?how awry!
"
"""i am going to leave my old home,
to reside somewhere else,"" said jerome,
""and although elocation
requires acclimation,
i think i might like puy-de-d?me.""
"
"mr. thomas stearns eliot, that's
not a poet who wrote much for brats;
but some musical blossoms
arose from old possum's
(a kids) book of practical cats.
"
"you're familiar with chess, you're au fait
with this wonderful game, so you say.
but i just wonder why
you put coffee and pie
on the board (like a tray) and don't play.
"
"british soldiers may be in a mess
when they're far from home?no one can guess.
but apart from some booze
they've got music and news,
which is broadcast by bfbs.
"
"i'm a dole bludger, that's what i am,
but don't tell the authorities, ma'am!
'cause they give me the dough
every week, even though
i loathe work and do not give a damn.
"
"a copper-base alloy: that's brass
(and pinchbeck belongs to that class),
made of copper and zinc,
colour's yellow, not pink,
used as fake gold in jewelry ? so crass!
"
"egyptian pound?hard to compare
it to currencies legal elsewhere.
just go to a bank;
in a minute they'll crank
out the value, so do not despair!
"
"""write decipherably!"" read the big board
in the classroom. the schoolmaster roared,
""if your writing's unclear
i won't read it! you hear?
it takes time which i cannot afford.""
"
"educationists mostly are teachers
possessed of some really swell features.
some even teach grammar
with outspoken glamour,
though some are unsavoury creatures.
"
"a cryptographer tried to decode
(or decrypt) an enciphered old ode,
and he worked on the script
till he lay in his crypt?
'encrypted', and thus ? la mode.
"
"to modify something, use fairly:
as that's rather better than barely.
if you said, ""fairly good"",
you would be understood,
but ""barely good""? ? hardly, or rarely!
"
"meaning ""long ago,"" ""formerly,"" erst
can also be read as ""at first.""
its source is germanic.
of course, i don't panic,
though my german was erst simply ""worst.""
"
"fds on your vehicle? this
denotes ""this plate is german"", not swiss.
it's from freudenstadt and
that's in black forest land,
where cuckoo clocks don't go amiss.
"
"if, in church, explanations you need
(as you follow liturgical creed),
see translations called farse:
these insertions, though sparse,
may well help if no latin you read.
"
"if you're eloquent (facund), denise,
your speech flow will be one of ease.
you won't hesitate, mutter,
or speak with a stutter?
but don't act the chatterbox, please!
"
"she's expired, she's dead now, my aunt.
feeling sorry for her? oh, i shan't.
caught out cheating at chess,
she created a mess,
so they killed her. revive her? i can't.
"
"my brother has died. he is dead
and no longer alive (as i said).
he was just under fifty,
less thrifty than shifty?
the loan-sharks re-structured his head.
"
"my mother has died. she is dead,
passed away in the bath, not in bed.
she was just over eighty
and overly weighty.
too much bathing will kill you, it's said.
"
"everlastingness means there's no end
to an action or state. comprehend?
if by chance it's infernal,
then what price eternal?
this prospect is dreadful, my friend.
"
"the curb weight's the weight without freight
of that truck as it sits by the gate.
but i drive it so much,
eating burgers and such,
that i don't think i'll curb my own weight.
"
"""i need detox?"" he asked of his shrink.
""my liver... there's really a link?
i may take a snort,
but rarely a quart ?
how much do you think that i drink?""
"
"a brass monkey's not found on a ship
and its balls are attached near the hip.
the debunkers all scoff
at their wont to fall off
when the mercury takes a big dip.
"
"as it happens, on cbc one,
is a show that is barrels of fun.
you can't take it in stride?
you have something to hide?
when you're asked for an interview, run!
"
"when you crosspost your views on a forum
then some of the members ignore 'em.
some posters may shame you,
while others will flame you.
the critics will soon have a quorum.
"
"the painter old pete's such a bore,
always praising the paints in his store.
this includes the ""new black""
that he'll use to attack
if he ever should darken my door.
"
"having finished my cup of darjeeling
and set the old wireless to wheeling,
i will look like a fool
as i stand on a stool
while attempting to mop down the ceiling.
"
"a cz is a bright shiny stone;
it's brilliant wherever it's shown.
if engagement's at stake,
don't give one ? it's fake!
she wants you to take out a loan.
"
"the letters cu stand for copper,
or cuprum if you are more proper.
but now when you send
a quick text to your friend,
saying cu, they serve as a stopper.
"
"as patrick jumped into the fray
his shillelagh was clearing the way.
he's a cudgeller who
ranks along with the few
who still fight with this weapon today.
"
"said the doc, ""here's a drug; it's the cure.""
so i asked if she really was sure.
she said, with a shrug,
as she gave me the drug,
""i am sure, since it's patently pure.""
"
"if you want to appear really smashin'
and style is your regular passion,
don't believe every word
of the sales pitch you heard
that this new black's the ultimate fashion.
"
"dot dot dash  ? ? ? dit dit dah:
can i signal that chick in the spa?
though she won't know the morse,
just the rhythm may force
her to take off her panties and bra.
"
"a cusip's a number that ranks
in the highest esteem at the banks,
when all of their charts
and other black arts,
say sell this (and not that) as it tanks.
"
"as told by the late bluenose crooner,
'gainst gloucester, she finished much sooner.
she's been on the dime
for a very long time.
she was bluenose, the great racing schooner.
"
"northern black flies are vicious but small;
very nasty, they've got lots of gall.
in summer they'll bite
in the day, not at night.
short lived, they'll be gone in the fall.
"
"his girlfriend is really quite cute;
she's blonde and she plays on the flute.
she isn't that tall ?
at five feet she is small ?
and she's not very heavy, to boot.
"
"an airedale's a large furry beast
that hunts otters, a small tasty feast.
they're wiry and wooly,
and often will bully.
they're dogs that our poodle likes least.
"
"there's a piper who just loves to play
at the corner of king street and bay.
no one lingers there long
to hear his fine song;
they like bagpipes when further away.
"
"if you dabble in abcp,
you are more of a gambler than me.
you can buy up these debts
and save your regrets ?
they're worthless from what i can see.
"
"our compost breeds rodents and flies,
and is always expanding in size.
now, it doesn't smell good
like we're told that it should,
but our rhubarb just won the grand prize.
"
"my wife likes a book that's a gripper,
that some would describe as a ripper:
the bodice gets ripped,
as the heroine's stripped ?
though she usually isn't a stripper.
"
"the actor burst in through the door;
""editors, eejits!"" he swore,
""every one of my scenes
should be showing on screens,
but they're all on the cutting room floor!""
"
"a bench vise has jaws made of steel;
they hold with a grip that is real.
though vicious it's not,
if your fingers get caught,
its bite you are certain to feel.
"
"blowing cookhouse, a signal to all,
the bugle will sound out the call,
saying ""come to the door, boys"".
the cook and some more boys
are making a mess in the hall.
"
"in ddos, the object's to flood
a network with all kinds of crud.
so marshal your forces
from multiple sources.
you're done when it's running like mud.
"
"a dachshund's a long skinny hound
who is always quite close to the ground.
he's not got that much hair,
but a hare wouldn't dare
to come out when this hound is around.
"
"there's a suburb of london named byron
that you probably won't find inspirin'.
it's a beautiful place
with a glacial pace.
you'll enjoy it much more when retirin'.
"
"the crosshairs can help with your aim;
without them it's just not the same.
if you line up the hairs
on rabbits or bears,
you'll return to the lodge with more game.
"
"it's cyan who first brought us myst,
with puzzles i just can't resist.
to move, touch a page,
and you're in a new age.
the games always end with a twist.
"
"i love our community  dike.
to climb up to the top's quite a hike,
but it keeps the land dry
when the water gets high,
and provides a great path for my bike.
"
"rosasharn was dirt poor from the start,
but she played a significant part.
though her little was lost,
at a terrible cost
she still gave, from her richness of heart.
"
"""one more buck-off for pete!"" they all cried,
as i felt my posterior slide
from the back of the horse
with momentum and force.
that dang rodeo wore out my hide!
"
"direct action is needed today!
the people must now have their say!
we know we are right!
we will march and we'll fight
for our cause ? it's the price we must pay!
"
"this pattern is nothing to fear
when using c++, my dear.
it starts with constructor
and ends with destructor.
the object's life cycle is clear.
"
"using cogeneration's a way
to make burning that gas really pay.
excess power, or heat,
can be sold on the street.
it's efficient; what more can i say?
"
"i'm buying a blender that's stable,
a machine that is ready and able
to crush and to mix,
without getting its kicks
by cavorting all over the table.
"
"the plastic that's wound on that reel
has an image its atoms conceal.
the process is quick, sure
to show us the picture
a developer soon will reveal.
"
"my butler will not deign to speak
to non-speakers of latin or greek.
while fashions distress him,
the classics impress him.
their readers are part of his clique.
"
"that diatribe aimed at the king
is a very regrettable thing.
the orator wails,
and his speaking assails
the privileges monarchies bring.
"
"the painter the bishop had hired
arrived at our church looking wired.
he put red dayglo paint
on our favorite saint.
said the priest, ""desecrator, you're fired.""
"
"this bow tie is not made of strings ?
it's a pasta where sauce really clings.
farfalle's its name
in the land whence it came,
since it looks like a butterfly's wings.
"
"to deodorize after a skunk
has sprayed down your dog with his funk,
there are sprays you can buy;
there are baths you can try ?
but their miracle claims may be bunk.
"
"since this chip set's high-speed, you'll agree,
the computer's high cost isn't key ?
it will run really fast!
(but that price will not last.
by next week it's on sale, nearly free.)
"
"the hull had a nasty crustation
that caused the crew lasting frustration.
crustacea adhered
to the bottom.  they feared
they'd be late for their planned destination.
"
"a caniche has a coat that is fluffy
and gets groomed so she won't look too scruffy.
if this dog is royale,
she's a duck-huntin' gal
and should not be named fifi or muffy.
"
"the voters may deem you unfit
if you argue with too little wit.
so address all their fears,
but don't bore them to tears
in the weeks after dropping the writ.
"
"there's this small metal cage called a crate;
it's a thing that i totally hate.
when we go for a ride
they will put me inside
and i'll feel like i'm traveling freight.
"
"debunking is sport on the net.
the experts won't let you forget
your citing petronius,
which they say is erroneous,
in that paper you've come to regret.
"
"one time when i had constipation,
non-excretion caused total frustration.
i inserted a bomb
and i sat there quite calm
awaiting its sweet detonation.
"
"my daughter adores chocolate cake.
""lots of brownies, oh daddy, please bake.""
though a girl-guide she's not,
when she's scoffed the whole lot,
she's a browny-faced girl, no mistake.
"
"a bishop who couldn't be tighter
bought none of his robes ? the cheap blighter!
but no vestments for hire meant
the surplice requirement
was surplus ? he wore just his mitre.
"
"the angular distance you've done
will depend on the turns you have spun.
if its value, say, ?,
equals n times two ?,
you may just as well not have begun.
"
"with a broom he creeps up to the boardroom,
where the carpet is woven in broadloom.
its gargantuan size
brings a tear to his eyes:
to the janitor's mind it's ""abhorred room"".
"
"time flies like an arrow, you see,
and it ripens the fruit on the tree.
fruit flies like a berry?
barbados's cherry
is tops in the field, flies agree.
"
"i am sailing in search of some cod,
armed with hook, line, and sinker ? and rod.
but lacking a reel
or a handle, i feel
a blank rod's blanking useless, by god!
"
"as he cycled in lycra apparel,
it was stopping that thwarted poor darrel.
in a desperate whirl,
he required a fit girl
to ride shotgun adjusting his barrel.
"
"one odd little atom was sad;
his friends called him perissad lad.
but according to bohr,
with one particle more,
he'd be artiad, even and glad.
"
"the moon makes a heavenly glide.
far along her ellipse she doth ride.
with the earth at the focus,
she draws from her locus
the sea's apogean low tide.
"
"i whispered to her, ""it is true ?
i am helpless, don't know what to do.
the words that i fear
to breathe in your ear
can't be unsaid once said: i love you.""
"
"the admiral's cup ? what a sight,
with the bowlines well lashed to the bight.
scudding clouds, freshening breeze,
on white horses, blue seas ?
the sails skim out of cowes, isle of wight.
"
"it sounds like math's greatest sensation?
it isn't. the alpha equation
is just an expression
of finance regression
ground out of a five-year duration.
"
"""my man,"" said the judge, ""it's been seen
that you're guilty. though only sixteen,
i must send you away
to botany bay
for flagrantly wearing the green.""
"
"a black canon's a multiple pun.
on first sight, it's a galleon's gun,
or a dark-skinned high priest,
or one serving the beast.
what it ain't is a carmelite nun.
"
"each atom absorbs unique light,
leaving lines that are black as the night.
this absorption occurs
at the bits it prefers,
so the rest of the spectrum stays bright.
"
"on a buddleia, butterflies might
flutter by, but a 'fly might alight.
i called out to my bud, ""lee, a
buddleia could be a
bush in the cabbage white's sight.""
"
"my programming life was once cursed.
lots more memory, please, was my thirst.
what resolved half my trouble?
the magnetised bubble,
but lots of cheap ram made it burst.
"
"in geometry, transforms assign
a morphing of shape, form, and line.
while distortion takes place
in euclidean space,
it does not when the space is affine.
"
"the corporal's ""r""s seemed to go:
""that was weally a wight woyal show.""
the sergeant said ""thanks,
give the order ? break ranks.""
""ooh, i think i'd best not, don't you know.""
"
"i wept as i sat by her bed;
""can you hear me? it's david,"" i said.
her memory lingers
in cold, bony fingers,
once young. now she's gone. my mum's dead.
"
"da dada, da dada, da dada.
da dada, da dada, da dada.
yeah yahya, yeah yahya.
yeah yahya, yeah yahya.
da dada, da dada, da dada.
"
"lord byron, the poet of old,
came down like a wolf on the fold.
so many were chaste;
lady lamb fit his taste,
but caro was hardest to hold.
"
"when noah was building the ark
the dimensions were really quite stark.
""from the cubital joint
to your arms furthest point
by three hundred is right on the mark.""
"
"when writing a lim about bucket,
you will have to determine the luck it
will need in the test
to catch up to the best.
and of course, never mention nantucket.
"
"some aspects the power plant lacked
comprised offsets and laer using bact.
but the ministry said,
""it's ok, go ahead.""
now the minister ought to be sacked.
"
"the queen has no trade and no truck
with those who would call her house buck.
it's exceedingly rude
to suggest something nude ?
if you do you'll be pushing your luck.
"
"with asterix fifty today,
the romans aren't planning to stay.
when this gaul takes a notion
to swallow that potion,
no legion can stand in his way.
"
"the diamondback rattlesnake knows
he will win against most of his foes,
but that little girl there
with the bows in her hair
wants his skin from her heels to her toes.
"
"a black squirrel lives up in our tree
and gobbles up birdseed with glee.
the dogs will give chase
when he enters their space,
but one jump up the tree and he's free.
"
"no bread and no butter ? too sweet,
these are pickles i choose not to eat.
preferring them dilly,
i think it is silly
that many should find them a treat.
"
"it is black over bill's mother, dear,
and the stack-clouds the mills smother. drear
is the wrack, so i will
wear a mac just until
i get back ? oh the hills wuther here.
"
"all that snow and that wind's guaranteeing
a feeling of warmth and wellbeing.
with the frauleins it's nice
to quaff gluehwein: the spice
brings a glow to your cheeks apr?s-skiing.
"
"an exception to stellar rotation,
the pole star has one fixed location.
this celestial clue
to the north points you to
a direction for true navigation.
"
"it keeps wandering off now and then. stick
it down ? the dead centre ? again, pick
the spot! please don't range
'cause it looks kind of strange;
this behaviour's extremely ex-centric.
"
"stellar objects, so far yet so near,
can create a celestial sphere.
thus inscribed with their trace,
every star's own true place
on the face of this globe will appear.
"
"from the central point lines radiated.
a circular arc they dictated.
acute or obtuse,
is this angle abstruse?
turn around! you'll find where it's located.
"
"a new clerk at the bank of quebec
had carte blanche, so she thought, ""what the heck?""
head clerk frank didn't thank her;
it sank a young banker
who wrote for a prank a blank cheque.
"
"""monsieur cauchy, this can't be denied ?
take two vectors: their lengths multiplied
is at least on a par
(maybe greater by far)
than the inner (dot) product!"" schwarz cried.
"
"circus master, i'm out of my mind?
human cannon ball william's resigned,
and another such man
with his flair and elan,
of that calibre never i'll find!
"
"heat the vacuum tube's cathode till white.
crank the kilovolts high as a kite.
then you focus a ray
of electrons that play
on a phosphorus screen, making light.
"
"should we englify languages? rot!
but let's see what the germans have got:
""der gamer"" (i groan)
""hat ein handy"" (a phone).
that's rubbish! (in german, so'n schrott!)
"
"odd numbers (eleven, thirteen)
all have even ones ranging between.
and by their addition,
the mathematician
gets an even one out nice and clean.
"
"a drone is an aircraft, we learn,
remote-control sent on its turn
to deliver its goods,
like bombs for some hoods.
(space for pilots is not a concern.)
"
"sick and tired of their king (james ii)
were the english, and therefore they reckoned
revolution would bring
a new queen and a king.
so to william and mary they beckoned.
"
"my sister's deceased. she is dead,
and she perished next door in a shed.
she was not yet quite thirty,
but fatefully flirty.
what occurred in the shed? (this i dread.)
"
"after boozing it up, took a nap.
then attempted to open an app,
but behold my distress:
up came golf and not chess,
faulty software? or was i still fap?
"
"my uncle is dead: he has croaked.
it seems that he slipped and provoked,
while cheating at poker,
some sinister soaker
who thought it was time he was smoked.
"
"there are eves (meaning: evenings). see these:
christmas eve, number one, if you  please.
new year's eve, a week later,
and i know a waiter,
who's married to eve (and chinese).
"
"an agent who finds some employment
for applicants thrills with enjoyment
when betty or bob
at long last gets a job,
thus ending their parents' annoyment.
"
"my father departed this life
long ago. (no more trouble and strife,
of which he'd had plenty.)
at the age of just twenty
he cut short his days with a knife.
"
"mapping a onto b, function g
is continuous if we can see
that when a is in a
and moves ?a, say,
g(a) moves at most ?b.
"
"in the era of mainframes, before
pc world was the meaning of ""store,""
when a magnet's polarity
stored each bit's parity:
memory then was called core.
"
"as a program debugger i will
read a core dump with consummate skill.
be it octal or hex,
it is better than sex:
the illegal jumps give such a thrill.
"
"calamity plucks at a quill,
singing ""whip crack-away"" with a will.
with jane's fine fancy cargo
(brought care of wells fargo),
the deadwood stage rides round the hill.
"
"hail, caesar! this salad's for you ?
grown by cassius, casca and crew.
a conspiracy's not
the plot meant by this lot:
it's their veg plot. hey, brute ? ate two?
"
"""we will battle with terror,"" they say,
""and free the oppressed, by the way.""
did we fight a just war?
i suspect it was more
about oil at the end of the day.
"
"""let me speak,"" said the cleric in red.
""seek the right way, and don't be misled.
to find north, south, east, west,
use a compass ? that's best.""
yes, the cardinal's point was well said.
"
"it just makes me livid, said ross.
the team's passing is not worth a toss.
when celtic are playing
at rangers, start praying
to god for a half-decent cross.
"
"central processing units upload
each instruction in sequence. this code
says to each cpu:
here's a task you must do.
then the outcome in memory's stowed.
"
"this flower comes out when it's fine,
but it's shy when it's cold, celandine.
it shrinks from the rain
then pops out once again
at the moment the sun starts to shine.
"
"six bottles are all i can belt down.
my date was a mess and i felt down.
so i came to the bar,
and downed jar after jar;
another? i thing i will melt down.
"
"though you carefully type your command,
the hardware just can't understand.
the interpreter reads
all the software it needs
to try to do what you had planned.
"
"old cronus was zeus's own father.
his children would kill him, so rather
than leave them alive,
he had swallowed up five.
but he missed one. oh dear, what a bother.
"
"black medic's a clover-like weed.
its flowers are yellow; the seed
is small, black, and round.
it grows close to the ground.
though no doctor, it helps your soil feed.
"
"cuba's not liked in the states
by the leader and most of his mates.
but they smoke the cigars
in their houses and cars,
and smuggle them over the straits.
"
"lord byron wrote anapaest well.
he had many great stories to tell
in neat metre and rhyme,
and he had a good time ?
so his work and his story still sell.
"
"you would start out with btam or bsam
then move up to vtam or vsam.
you can excp,
and between you and me,
you'll be damned to use bdam for oesam.
"
"extracting cube roots to infinity
can help to preserve your virginity.
when given to boys
this chore removes noise
and creates a more peaceful vicinity.
"
"your bosses have taken the lead;
the requirements are now all agreed.
the computer will load
whatever you code,
but will it do all that they need?
"
"a slender young lady from prague,
who writes a czech beer-drinking blog,
said, ""i like to drink beer
every day of the year,
and burn it off walking the dog.""
"
"we're the jet-set, the upper-class bracket,
spending money abroad ? we don't lack it.
costa brava looks nice, hon?
blue seas to entice. sun
and sangria sure cost a packet!
"
"it's crackpot! your scheme's badly planned.
now you're sticking your head in the sand.
it's just pie in the sky?
that contraption won't fly?
you are living in cloud-cuckoo-land.
"
"wake up world, and the workers, unite!
engels! marx! lead the communist fight!
but you're better off dead,
and not red, someone said:
manifestos from leftos aren't right!
"
"what's this compound? at school i once grew
sparkling crystals; their hue was a clue.
with one ion, cu,
so4 makes that two:
copper sulphate, a beautiful blue.
"
"sailing close to the wind in a lugger,
all the seamen were bunked hugger-mugger.
when i yelled ""mates! ahoy!
there's a conical buoy!""
i was crushed in the rush for the bugger.
"
"colour circles can help you suffuse
reds and oranges, yellows and blues.
complementary? clash?
from titian to nash,
artists use them to choose the right hues.
"
"though you're born as a lord of renown,
wearing coronet, ermine and gown,
to be noble and good
doesn't need norman blood,
since a kind heart's worth more than a crown.
"
"when a matrix, m, merely has rows?
just one column alone, then this shows
that a vector is what
you have actually got.
it's a row vector if you transpose.
"
"the copernican model does not
put the earth in the middle. that's what
was once thought ? how archaic,
with wheels ptolemaic ?
not the sun-centred system we've got.
"
"copper's nark ? it's the beans that he's spilling:
a villain who doubles his killing.
by selling a peeler
some info, a squealer
can nick both a quid and a shilling.
"
"18. ?  ?  ? ?  ?  ?  ? ?  ? ?  ?qpxp e.p.
19. kr ? kb1???? qr ? r8
20. qxr mate!
the conclusion for black was foregone.
"
"the king's range of movement's one square,
but just once, he's allowed a move where
he can gain a safe nook,
leaping over a rook,
and thus castled, he's safe in his lair.
"
"""gang ye no, lassie,"" rabbie oft yearns
as he roams through yon heather and ferns.
in the gloaming he looks
to cross modest, wee brooks.
""hoots mon!"" splosh! ""these are third degree burns!""
"
"the mid-term elections delighted
the democrats. gosh, they're excited!
as for bush, i must say
(the uk view today),
he presides over states dis-united.
"
"set a to set b said: ""b, let's
try and see what our pairing begets.""
the product created
since these two were mated?
cartesian! oh, joy of sets!
"
"is it part of your leg that's adorable?
or a moo-ning young cow sighing for a bull?
the emotion's intense
you are lost ? no defence,
you've got calf-love, it's simply incurable!
"
"sean o'farrell exclaimed with alarm, ""a fight?
with a ballot box, boys, and a carmelite!""
""you fools! it's a gun
that you need, not a nun!""
whispered seamus. ""he said: bring your armalite.""
"
"if you're able, or let, you can do.
can's ""a tin"" and ""canadian"" too.
saying two cans in france
can be cancan ? a dance.
and in slang, it's ""a jug"" and ""a loo"".
"
"when society's failings are grave,
an alternative's what we all crave.
a community seems,
in utopian dreams,
to be better ? a world new and brave.
"
"c's a sequence that's cauchy, we'll see:
choose a d, any distance, and we
can find element n:
for all greater m's, then
| c(n) ? c(m) | < d.
"
"a doctor who studied biology
dropped out of advanced acuology.
he said, with a tear,
""since it's needles i fear,
i'll give my sincerest apology.""
"
"to be chemoselective indeed,
borohydride will help you succeed.
only ketones reduce,
thus enabling the use
of the esters and amides you need.
"
"the percussionist said with a grin,
""i'm a bongoist under the skin!""
then she reached for her drums
and with fingers and thumbs
she began banging bongos again!
"
"for the wrinkles she wants to erase,
she gets botulin (only a trace!).
if the needle should slip
to her shoulder or lip,
she'll be pouting and wearing a brace.
"
"a seventeenth-century fellow
loved wine from the grapes called avello.
he jumped at a chance,
went to languedoc, france,
and guzzled it 'til he turned yellow.
"
"he was gaily bedight and was bold;
long he searched for the valley of gold.
el dorado he found,
and with treasure was crowned:
yellow aspen leaves, all he could hold.
"
"if there's arsenite found in your well,
you should drink perrier for a spell.
if it's found in your food,
then you have to conclude
you've been poisoned.  you'd best say ""farewell.""
"
"in the animal kingdom's divide,
the achordates belong on the side
of the beasts without spines
(or spine-like designs),
and include politicians who've lied.
"
"we went over the river by sleigh,
through the woods where the horse knows the way.
at the end of the road
was an aval abode,
where we visited grandma today.
"
"the word of is informally a:
so if some kind a gangster should say,
""get rid a the rats!""
then a couple a cats
sorta blow his accusers away.
"
"you're a shirt lifter, that's what they think:
those two guys who just gave you a wink.
though your camp shirt is gay
in a colourful way,
i must say: rue the day you chose pink!
"
"jerry opens his new ""acme"" pack; a
thought bubbles up, tom gets a smacker.
disappointment! alas!
this thing only makes gas
out of oil. why's it called a cat cracker?!
"
"tina's call sign will plainly endorse
her identity, tapped out in morse.
di di,   dah di di:   dah,
di di,   dah di,   di dah,
is the code that will lead her discourse.
"
"it's a metal, ca, you'll agree.
with the ion that's called co3,
it makes chalk, and moreover,
the white cliffs of dover!
without it they'd fall in the sea.
"
"now i like ferns, so don't get me wrong,
but to count them ? it takes me too long.
you may think i'm not fond
as i curse every frond
of the dogtooth ? it's just adder's tongue.
"
"this diminutive dog is a whiner.
he complains that his brother is finer ?
in size and in name
and celestial fame.
nonetheless, he's a star, canis minor.
"
"""allegations were made by a traitor,
and i'll get the bitch sooner or later.
it will beggar belief
when i bare my teeth.
tell me now: who's the false alligator?""
"
"""i'm stumped,"" dr. watson said. ""yellow?
for a door? and canary's not mellow.
holmes ? give me a clue
to your choice of that hue.""
""lemon entry, you see, my dear fellow.""
"
"by tomography, maps are computed
when through axial planes, rays are routed.
cat scanners display
in a 3-d array
how each slice of my gut's constituted.
"
"the old maid emitted some cackles
at the game, and they raised up my hackles.
i queried her, ""why?""
she just grinned and said, ""i
do adore how that linebacker tackles!""
"
"if you're pedaling all around town
and you're pointing your toes up and down,
what you're doing is ankling;
you'll soon find it's rankling
your ankles and making you frown.
"
"there once was a young bombardier,
who was targeting dresden, i fear.
but he cried, ""if i get it,
i'll live to regret it?
feldschl??chen's my favorite beer!""
"
"if with water your aquifer's brimming,
but your pumping rate's steadily slimming,
an aquitard might
be the cause of your plight
(not a garment for synchronized swimming).
"
"in teeth, the accretion lines show
their calcification?they grow
like the rings of a tree;
teeth are stripy, you see,
unless crowned, as all movie stars know.
"
"aviculture seemed easy: young jacques
raised an auk and a hawk, then a flock.
overweening ambition
reached fatal fruition:
he finished by feeding a roc.
"
"i'm feeling euphoric and gay!
no, not 'cause i'm smoking a jay:
i'm taking big bites
of chocolate delights,
and anandamide's making my day.
"
"a sharper named sam, on the lam,
found his getaway blocked by a jam
in the mountaintop traffic:
he sought topographic
escape via aerial tram.
"
"in a market (chinese), i was smellin'
balsam pear, somethin' long they were sellin',
a food of repute.
i expected a fruit,
but instead got a squash: bitter melon.
"
"my niece is a wild one!  for starters,
with pirates she frequently barters.
with her thighs nicely tanned
on the foredeck she'll stand:
on the bowsprit she's drying her garters!
"
"if you're bit by a botfly, my son,
you should get yourself home on the run!
quickly cover each bite
with petroleum white,
'cause those flesh-eating bots are no fun!
"
"the male of the bluethroats, or chats,
has blue and red marks and eats gnats.
he sings loudly and long
like the nightingale's song,
and is reckoned delicious by cats.
"
"avicula sounds like a bird,
but it's nothing like chicken, i've heard.
it's a bivalve quiescent
with half-shells pearlescent,
though for po' boys, the oyster's preferred.
"
"here's an antelope lesson succinct:
the indian blackbuck's distinct
(being black and quite small)
from the bluebuck, who's tall
and from africa (also extinct).
"
"young w?hler decided to heat
ammonium cyanate (neat!),
thus producing urea:
he disproved an idea,
and organic's mystique had been beat.
"
"to avoid any burns or chagrin
in the baking of cookies, begin
with a covering (dermic)
that's adiathermic
to prevent heat from reaching your skin.
"
"my new boyfriend's a college sensation,
but my father is causing frustration.
dad married his mother
and made him my brother:
a relation by dad's adrogation.
"
"the young squire said, ""sir, raise your spear!
there's a bull with a crossbow, i fear!""
but the knight replied, ""shame!
'e's got 'orrible aim?
i'm not scared of that arbalestier.""
"
"die erste walpurgisnacht weaves
tales of christians and pagans in leaves
at the end of the snows;
goethe's poetry shows
the mother of all beltane eves.
"
"when cookie and milk hour comes,
it generates full little tums,
and also bright smiles;
but oh, what a trial's
the aggeneration of crumbs.
"
"now, an arsenide's nature would be
atom: arsenic; charge: minus three.
with gallium metal
the substance you get'll
result in a bright l.e.d.
"
"when arthur saw lancelot dance
with his queen in a torrid romance,
he declared, ""the crown grants
you your life. don your pants,
for i hereby aband you to france.""
"
"callistemon, or bottlebrush, trees
don't push up the pavement, and ease
the creation of cracks
in the sidewalk. an axe
can be used if they're making you sneeze.
"
"he broke in; broke my jaw in the brawl.
i pursued in the nude down the hall.
he broke laws; i broke news:
""i'm a black belt?you lose!""
he broke windows; the street broke his fall.
"
"min's dinner martini was ginful,
and her interests got into the sinful.
absolution was sought?
absolut's what she bought,
since with vodka, she feels less chagrinful.
"
"agent orange strips leaves from a tree
with the herbicide 2,4,5-t,
but its trace of dioxin?
a chemical toxin?
is linked to the lethal big c.
"
"a convict of manner audacious
escaped, but a trail alliaceous
allowed a good hound
to run him to ground
(eating shallots, he'd been too voracious).
"
"ammonium bicarbonate's rise
used to lighten some cookies and pies.
but you never should try
to be leavin' out ""bi"",
or you'll rise from a faint with surprise!
"
"if you need coat-of-arms  decoration,
let me give you an orientation.
an excellent way
is to go boton?e:
three balls on your cross in formation.
"
"when making canadian law,
the parliamentarians jaw?
and they may take all night,
if they happen to fight
with the ones from the bloc qu?b?cois.
"
"manila's municipal planners
used abaca rope hanging banners.
we all were amazed
when they also had raised
a pedestrian walk ? that's bananas!
"
"while cooking a steak, my hand shook
as i flipped.  the meat fell; the dog took
it and ran. i said, ""hell!""
and i chased her pell-mell
with a thirty-inch barbecue hook.
"
"the dustman, 'e founded a brewery.
'e thought 'e would try something newer:  'e
fermented 'is beer
in the can, but we fear
the result is deplorably sewery.
"
"who is heaven's high muckety-muck?
not that second-rate archangel shmuck.
when the angels all strike
for a salary hike,
he seraphically passes the buck.
"
"an acid becomes anionic
when dissolving in water. take tonic,
for example, with gin
and a lemon slice in
a tall glass, on the rocks?that's hedonic!
"
"rats infected with chagas' disease
make ablastin, their symptoms to ease.
this protein, negating
trypanosomes' mating,
helps the rats give the microbes the freeze.
"
"if leprosy mars your physique,
there's a treatment that lasts a whole week:
acedapsone is strong
and its potency's long?
just get a big shot in each cheek.
"
"the caveman, with hands that were deft,
flaked a flint on each side, right and left.
this biface provides
the same view from both sides,
and a hatchet that has a nice heft.
"
"a homely young lass named hermione
wanted love, but alas, couldn't buy any.
so she danced in the nude,
and black witchcraft pursued,
and she poisoned the townsmen with briony.
"
"little goldilocks, fond of pozole,
started sleepwalking, dreaming of mole.
then she woke, to her dread,
with three bears in a bed,
and nothing to eat but atole.
"
"her father indulgently smiled,
""that alkali metal, my child,
with water spectacularly
reacts.  put vernacularly,
it bursts into flame and runs wild.""
"
"""common market""  became e.e.c.,
then just e.c. ? can't anyone see?
with each country's accession,
my growing impression
is e.u. will become u.s.e.
"
"he figured e constant, as frequent
a fraction as leonhard pled usant.
calculate: nil.
then write it off still.
oho! factor null is indecent.
"
"first it's stuck in your toaster. now heat it.
then suck it, or lick it and eat it.
although you can't hump it,
a well-buttered crumpet
surpasses a tart. you can't beat it.
"
"carpe diem! let time heal the rift
when our pilgrim got angry and miffed.
let the past remain history,
the future's a mystery:
the present, this moment's a gift!
"
"my maths teacher told me at school,
""get the tangent, you blithering fool!
the cotangent is found
when you flip the tan round;
just apply the reciprocal rule.""
"
"crop circles are certainly weird ?
inexplicable when they appeared.
but perhaps they're a prank
by some chaps with a plank,
not the alien spaceships we feared.
"
"a colectomy can be an op
where half of your guts get the chop,
but be a survivor,
be glad you're alive; a
semi-colon is not a full stop!
"
"a cover point aims to despatch
hapless batsmen, and so end their match.
as he tries for one run,
the batsman's undone
by a sprint, then a leap, and a catch.
"
"a depressing grey sky, damp and torn,
heralds daybreak; my boots quake; i yawn.
over whiskey and beer
we'd conceived the idea
that struck fear in the cold light of dawn.
"
"distant galaxies, light-years away,
now bombard us with protons all day.
alpha particles stream
from the stars in a beam.
it's just awesome, far out, cosmic, ray!
"
"a sculpture that tries to portray
a titan takes up my foyer.
a conceit of my wife,
it's a larger-than-life
gold atlantid in papier-m?ch?.
"
"escaping from prison, i crawl,
and adhamant, i cling to the wall.
but my sudden descent
isn't quite what i meant
when i said i'd be ""taking the fall.""
"
"three cheers for aluminization,
a process of broad application
in mirrored balloons,
in the shades worn by goons,
and for cooling an orbiting station.
"
"when a young electrician trainee
was installing an hdtv,
he started a fire
by using thin wire?
twenty-seven awg.
"
"in an ammine type complex is bound
ammonia to metal; i've found
the drug called cisplatin?
it's cancer-combatin'?
an example that's widely renowned.
"
"distinguishing acids from bases
is a challenge that chemistry faces.
use bromthymol blue dye?
yellow's low, blue is high
in ph. green's for in-between cases.
"
"an asthmatic partook of a waffle in
a diner, which made her sound awful in
just seconds!  her wheezing
showed no signs of easing:
she'd forgotten to take aminophylline.
"
"some greeks and egyptians were spoiled
and they wore their hair scented and oiled.
their unguents of spice
would be kept in a nice
alabastron, bejewelled and foiled.
"
"once a thief picked a sorcerer's pocket
for his wand 'cause he thought he could hock it,
but a curse set to trammel
in pellucid enamel
turned him into basse-taille in a locket.
"
"acenaphthene, from coal tar reclaimed,
1,8-ethylenenaphthalene's named.
it's useful in plastic;
for drugs it's fantastic,
but for cancer it well could be blamed.
"
"the cetacean his hunger was sating
with man, when by means of a grating
his plan was aborted,
as kipling reported?
now brit's about all he'll be ating.
"
"acetaldehyde oxidase should,
for a boozer, be blocked. then he would,
if he sipped on a drink,
become queasy and pink;
before long, he'd be sober for good.
"
"aerotaxis is what you are using
if o2 controls where you are cruising:
away from the air,
or where oxygen's there;
it can not fly you home after boozing.
"
"in a church by the fair river bann,
they read banns for fidelma and flann.
but the lack of consent
from her grandfather meant
that elopement became their new plan.
"
"fluffy bunnies are more than just cute?
they are twitchy of leg and of snoot.
they eat carrots by night,
with their pointy teeth bite,
and are musically evil to boot.
"
"abomasitis affects mainly cows:
their stomachs inflame as they browse.
the fourth one specifically
inflates most horrifically,
and they float into overhead boughs.
"
"in a moment of sheer apophenia,
unrelated things seem to have meaning?ya
notice connections
'twixt snow-globe collections
and civil unrest in slovenia.
"
"an acid, arrhenius teaches,
when dissolved, into ions then leaches?
a redistribution
until the solution
acid-base equilibrium reaches.
"
"my dad's got a lunatic scheme
for a gershwinesque show?it's a scream:
seven lutes in the back
and a mermaid who's black?
he'll be calling it porgy and bream.
"
"while hunting for wolves on the steppes,
we lived on beef jerky and c?pes.
but back on home ground
both i and my hound
(a borzoi) eat strawberry cr?pes.
"
"in search of a treat asparaginous,
i waded a marsh mucilaginous.
in removing my shoes,
i'd a bootjack to use
to avoid an affliction lumbaginous.
"
"i've a delicate subject to broach:
see the azurine bugs that encroach
on your kitchen?  your clue
should have been that they're blue.
call them azurine, europe's blue roach.
"
"sam has idiocy, type amaurotic:
a regressive, genetic, exotic
condition.  fat plaques
induce blindness attacks,
and they render poor sam idiotic.
"
"she's gorgeous!  i'm calling her ""barbie.""
she'll purr as i drive her to darby.
we'll make us some noise
and then show all the boys
her v-8 with the four-barrel carbie.
"
"an american depository receipt
for investors is something quite neat.
they've come up with a way
in berlin or taipei
to own stock without lifting their feet.
"
"as clean as some water may seem,
there's pollution in many a stream.
to make sure that it's pure,
an adsorbent's your cure:
just activate charcoal with steam.
"
"at the edge of a town there will be
an announcement of clubs you may see:
there are rotary, lion,
and mason; i'm tryin'
the ven'rable b.p.o.e.
"
"a posterior problem horrific
developed on flights transpacific:
due to poor circulation
my butt lost sensation
and suffered from bedsores prolific.
"
"at the edge of the woods i was harking
to songs of the thrushes and marking
their flights arcing higher;
one snagged on a wire,
which started a power line arcing.
"
"i like wine that's italian and red.
""i shall have a barolo,"" i said.
but i had to think twice
when they told me the price.
now i favor barbera instead.
"
"husband paul cried in agony, ""jane!
i've acromiohumeral pain!""
then when neighbour eileen
queried, ""what does he mean?""
jane explained, ""it's his shoulder again.""
"
"this incredible film is fantastic!
hemostatic, but not made of plastic.
i can tell you firsthand,
it's absorbable, and
made of gelatin ? strong, but elastic!
"
"when your marketing strategy flops,
and your share value constantly drops,
there's no use pretending
the tops are ascending ?
you're looking at descending tops.
"
"i'm aroused when i'm kissed ? basorthosis ?
quite a commonplace, plain diagnosis.
my barosmia spells
out a lust for strong smells.
what i like in a girl? halitosis!
"
"if a cholecystectomy's due,
and your bile ducts are aberrant, you
might expect complications,
for doc's ministrations
could cause a hepatic to-do!
"
"if you wish to increase your capacity
for enlightenment and perspicacity,
then you really must try
bloom's taxonomy ? why,
it's a must for attaining sagacity!
"
"you've a cause, and pen essays polemic?
well, instead, pave a path academic.
build a program of courses
from respectable sources.
your results should be far more systemic.
"
"i've a copy of hilary hahn,
playing bach violin on my lawn,
and some clones of my charlotte
(which i sell at the car lot).
and you ask where my morals have gone?
"
"in business (a dance where the leads
are in tune to the customers' needs),
it's the firm, we are taught
in darwinian thought,
fitting best to those needs that succeeds.
"
"the character many extol
would be principled, simple and whole.
such perfection's no way
to live fully, i say.
it's one's flaws that give song to the soul.
"
"now, connecticut's small, we admit.
in the world, why our state's just a nit.
and we've got a few snobs,
but we're pros at our jobs,
so our income per acre's a hit.
"
"a man ate the plant we call artichoke.
was this to be some kind of party joke?
first he bit off the leaves,
then complained of the heaves!
good clue! we then knew from the heart he spoke.
"
"any fruit that is acinar has
many drupes (tiny acini, chaz.)
though the genus will vary,
it's always a berry:
not chuck.  maybe mul-, maybe rasp-.
"
"as a god he was fairer than strong,
and for aengus you've written a song.
if no longer tunes trouble you,
by s?ance, yeats, w.,
please join us and just croon along.
"
"an overseas sov'reign exaction
could urge you to bring legal action.
but because of the act
of state doctrine, in fact,
our courts can't get you no satisfaction.
"
"this lace-like effect, ajour?,
gets its name from the glimpses of day-
light revealed.  it's delightful
in curtains, but frightful
in overweight hags' neglig?es.
"
"even bumpkins call fast friends a brick.
and a bloke who's not quick we'd call thick.
your mate richard's not well,
and you say, ""go to hell!?""
you're a hick with a sick, thick brick dick.
"
"nantucket, an island at sea,
is a place quite unique, you'll agree,
blest by limerick's fame
just because of its name ?
oh, crap! i've forgotten dundee!
"
"a wife's wishes are crucial today
in electing accouchement forc?.
her spouse must consult,
or a likely result
is a ringless left hand on display.
"
"my constituents?  really can't stand 'em.
for votes, though, i'm ready to hand 'em
a tap-dancing style
with a big toothy smile
and a media blitz ad captandum.
"
"on her sash the madonna displayed it,
a motto; i'll loosely translate it:
""m. a. buonarotti
(it's me!  yes, i'm haughty!)
the sculptor from florence has made it.""
"
"for my taste buds, all vinegars tickle;
i use them as condiment trickle.
acetimetry's test
should determine the best,
and if not, i'll be stuck in a pickle.
"
"amour is a word often used
in describing a state that's confused:
not a passing delight
like a ship in the night,
but a loving intent, not abused.
"
"as we ambled along through the park,
my amiga and me in the dark,
my passions were flowing
(and boy was it showing)?
combustion awaiting a spark.
"
"archcupbearer, that is the name
of a king who's relinquished his claim
to the throne; he now serves
holy roman hor d'oeuvres,
a fine title concealing his shame.
"
"white powder, a flake or in slivers,
will ease you of pain and the shivers.
acetanilide testing
had patients ingesting
some toxins that ravaged their livers.
"
"on his deathbed the captain, named hugh
confessed infidelities?two.
said his wife with disgust,
""i would not yield to lust,
apart from just once, with your crew.""
"
"""it's an acanthamoeba! my soul! i
would never want that in my whole eye.""
this evil wee beast
will soon make a feast
of your vision, 'tween snacks of e. coli.
"
"""amputation's a must!"" cried the prof.
(bit severe, it was only a cough...)
but soon they agreed,
amputating with speed?
or rather, they just cut it off.
"
"a barkantine, schooner, and cutter
are at sea with their sails all aflutter.
their first mates all shout
""reef 'em in! let them out!""
and ""what are ya, mate? some kinda nutter?""
"
"one finds the aerobium thriving,
whilst walking, or running, or driving.
these germs can't cause flu,
and one thing that they do
need is o2 to keep on surviving.
"
"the affliction anoia's extreme;
there's a mind that can't function or scheme.
oh, the brain is still there,
but it works like it's air,
so there's nobody home, it would seem.
"
"mixing beeswax with pigment's the way
that encaustic  is made, to this day.
what's produced is a kind
of paint; one will find
that when treated with heat, it will stay.
"
"while a nurse in the army reserve,
sue was taught that her gas mask would serve
as a chemical defense.
that seemed to make sense,
but to test it she hadn't much verve!
"
"it's enalapril, dear, you must take it.
your bp is sky high; please don't fake it.
i found quite a stash
of these pills in the trash!
keep that up, and you surely won't make it.
"
"the circulative  gent at the party
made the rounds; he was cheerful and hearty.
he was dressed well?you bet,
well spoken, and yet,
he went off with two chicks who looked tarty.
"
"the circulative pump she would keep:
as it hummed in the tank, all would sleep.
the air bubbled and moved,
and the theory was proved:
from her colicky babe, not a peep.
"
"as he blusteringly  bragged to his buds,
to the chicks he was king of the studs,
any fool he could knock
for a good half a block,
and he'd spent twenty grand on his duds.
"
"the doc saw the blood levels: ""wow!
we will chelate the lead, and here's how:
you'll get drugs by iv
to combine with and free
the pb from your system ? right now.""
"
"when asked, ""what does  defenestrate  mean?""
by none less than the college's dean,
joe knocked the poor guy
through the window?my, my!
then he said, ""it seemed best it be seen.""
"
"the adzebill was rather unique.
it was heavy and had a large beak.
its numbers soon dived
after humans arrived?
now it's only its bones that we seek.
"
"i'm axisymmetrical, me.
if you scan my y-axis, you'll see
that left mirrors right?
such a beautiful sight?
except when i'm doing tai chi.
"
"when boarding a plane in la,
intending to go to the bay,
a man flew to auckland,
instead of to oakland,
because he'd misheard the pa.
"
"the area measure, the are,
has an area ten metres square.
take ten and you'll make a
not-quite-quarter acre.
a hundred?  a hectare is there!
"
"i'll admit you'd admit me for cash,
but i think this admission is rash.
paying more than a pittance
to gain my admittance
will cause my bank balance to crash.
"
"most fearsome of all of the flails
is the cat ? that's the cat o' nine tails.
the tar began stripping,
just dreading his whipping.
it took the wind out of his sails.
"
"jungle green. orange. crimson. all blend
in a carpet of napalm, my friend.
the horrors! the horrors!
rained down from the bomb-doors
on vietnam.  this is the end.
"
"in calculus, delta's the rule:
tiny steps make an elegant tool.
when parameters range,
you can find rate of change
with dy/dx ? it's so cool!
"
"gothic spires accuse clouds flying by.
round the towers, the rooks sail and cry.
ramparts, gargoyled and bleak
match the croak of a beak,
throwing caws to the wind, cold and dry.
"
"third witch: are you sisters insane?
not those newts' eyes for dinner again!
they're double the trouble,
and the cauldron won't bubble
in thunder and lightning and rain.
"
"it's a thorny old question. suppose
that there's more than just one desert rose.
is it ""cacti"" said where
there's a prickly pair,
or plain ""cactuses""? nobody knows.
"
"without it a sailor can't tack,
and a boxer can't fall on his back.
it's a must for utrillo;
a  tent wouldn't billow ?
it's canvas, the thing they can't lack.
"
"a perspective on history is seen
using isotope carbon 14.
it is radioactive,
which makes it attractive
for dating all life there has been.
"
"it's a chase where you dodge and you run.
it's a short-barrelled, big-bullet gun.
it's to fight with a cow.
it's a furnace brick ? how
many bulldogs can join in this fun?
"
"once khrushchev and marx would dictate
a bulgarian's life, love and fate.
that's archaic and vulgar ?
your modern-day bulgar
is free from the communist state.
"
"now these beetles are marvelous things.
in the kingdom of bugs, they're the kings.
this is true of them all,
except ex-beatle paul,
who is apterous now ? without wings.
"
"an abstractionist, my uncle fred
paints whatever pops into his head.
though he claims that his norm
is to focus on form
you would think he ignored it instead.
"
"i awoke in malang, indonesia.
felt no pain, so i asked ""anesthesia?""
then the nurse by my bed,
with a smile softly said
""no it isn't.  it's just analgesia.""
"
"how'd the alamo come to be known?
'twas a mission in ol' san antone.
on a line in the sand,
volunteers took a stand,
when their orders said ""leave it alone.""
"
"fuzzy sweaters look nice in your drawer.
and i guess that's what goat hair is for.
but we all can attest
that angora looks best
when it comes off and falls on the floor.
"
"there's a colorless, volatile juice
that's forbidden for underage use.
you can drink alcohol
without any withdrawal,
but it won't respond well to abuse.
"
"when the chromosome daughters would kindle,
it would seem that their numbers would dwindle,
but now science can prove
it's an anaphase move
to the poles of the nuclear spindle.
"
"a celesta's a keyboard with zing?
felted hammers strike steel plates and ping.
it's a musical treat
in the nutcracker suite
when the sugar-plum fairy takes wing.
"
"in the son of the mummy-bride iii,
it's the state of the cerecloth that's key.
bindings, prone to unwrap,
hang in tatters and flap,
boosting creepiness up a degree.
"
"what a hellhole next door at that spread!
it's those three barking dogs that i dread.
uh-oh, now i can see
it's just one dog, not three.
if it's cerberus, i must be dead.
"
"""be astute, know your product, endure,""
i advised a young entrepreneur.
""if you sell fertilizer,
i must warn as advisor,
don't say that you're into manure.""
"
"antecedents alone can stand free,
but with pronouns they have to agree.
""each boy knows their name""
can't be said without shame,
as the purist will readily see.
"
"had the fierce-looking lion named ozzie
become an anomaly coz he
woz chased by a mouse
and ran under a house?
no, he wozn't a coward?or woz he?
"
"god's love is the love we will find,
that encompasses all of mankind.
human loves, such as eros
and philia, endear us,
but agape's the love of god's mind.
"
"earth is farthest away from the sun
at a point in its orbital run
that is known as aphelion;
its mate, perihelion,
is simply the opposite one.
"
"the old codger was grouchy and crass,
like a blanket of blight on the grass.
his picture was sketched
on a window and etched.
he was seen as a ""pane in the glass.""
"
"there are  some in the teaching profession
who have made this small mark an obsession.
the apostrophe's used,
and is sometimes abused,
for contractions as well as possession.
"
"with a verb, you can use conjugation
when addressing a word's variation;
but you should be exact,
scientific, in fact,
so avoid any verbalization.
"
"a teacher of english might clamor
for people to speak without stammer.
he then would insist
(if they do get the gist)
they employ what he's taught as good grammar.
"
"an accordion door in that room!
but excitement soon shifted to gloom.
just a door that folds back
when it opens?  alack,
then no polkas at all, i presume?
"
"is it singing, the sound that whales do?
(maybe dolphins and porpoises too...)
we could make a cd
of the songs of the sea:
the cetacean sea shanties debut!
"
"it's a stinkbug, the calicoback.
lovely colors?but give it a smack,
for the impulse to coo
over colors won't do
when your cabbage is under attack.
"
"a centillion's a number that varies
in how many zeroes it carries.
in the states you would see
just three hundred and three,
but in britain?those poor secretaries!
"
"this is birth control, barrier style:
use a small latex cup ? and a smile.
though its use is a snap,
is the cervical cap
with its ten-percent failure worthwhile?
"
"how can celadon mean such a lot?
it's a color, a glaze, and a pot,
and its yellow-green shade
is a sage serenade
of a sunflower covered with snot.
"
"from the bell-towered church close to me,
i hear change ringing ? bells swinging free
in a sequence and beat
both demented and sweet:
quasimodo and pals on a spree.
"
"on the chart, a big c, little s?
this is cesium, sure to impress.
through this element's quirks,
the atomic clock works.
and its heart is (in spanish) a ""yes""!
"
"if you don't have a wine cellar vault,
use a sweet cellarette by default:
a small cabinet space
that's a booze-storage place
(or restrict yourself solely to malt).
"
"a ceramicist knows such a lot:
of cool glazes and kilns that are hot.
when the items i've made
are displayed and arrayed,
i can see that i'm going to pot.
"
"apollinian means apollonian.
this wouldn't befall the smithsonian,
where custom prohibits
redundant exhibits,
but english is more babel-onian.
"
"with houseplants i'm really quite dumb,
having never possessed a green thumb.
but with just air to nourish
them aerials flourish?
even i cannot make them succumb.
"
"you need rainfall the most when there's drought,
and certitude most when in doubt.
if your car's on the rack
you can bet that your ac-
cident insurance just now ran out.
"
"a limerick that's up for review
needs approval to make its debut.
rhymes are put through the mill,
analyzable 'til
both the content and rhythm will do.
"
"adulterous people perplex,
going outside of marriage for sex.
by performing this feat,
one is labeled a cheat
and can often wind up as an ex.
"
"apparitional visions appear
like ghosts in the air, very sheer.
having seen one, however,
imprints you forever;
their apparentness then becomes clear.
"
"atmospherically challenged am i,
for up in the air i won't fly.
but what's even sadder,
i don't trust a ladder.
one rung, and i scream, ""it's too high!""
"
"""for train cars, these two are quite supple,""
thought the chief engineer, herman rupple.
""so let's hook them up fast
that their union will last.
mr. coal, miss caboose, you're accouple.""
"
"when a word takes a turn that's aphetic
it loses a letter (phonetic).
alone becomes lone,
but don't try on your own.
aphetic to phetic's pathetic.
"
"at times, i am so acquiescing.
no arguments here, just some ""yes""-ing.
diplomatically smart?
or a chicken at heart?
i just do it to keep people guessing.
"
"my grandpa's arthralgia was flaring.
the arthritis-like pain was hair-tearing.
so we oiled up his knees
to make movement a breeze,
and now his lambada's most daring.
"
"my new pool is amygdaloidal.
of this fact, there could be no avoidal.
its almond shape's fine
for me and all mine,
'cause at least it ain't shaped hemorrhoidal.
"
"if you're lacking in skilled analytics,
your analyses puzzle your critics.
and the part where you say
""if not b implies a,""
makes their brains feel like joints of arthritics.
"
"these athletes all seem quite antaean!
their strength and size? huge! they must be in
a paranoid state
from the steroids they ate,
when they're given a cup to go pee in.
"
"i have a young lady in mind
whose name means ""relates to mankind.""
but what's sadly perverse,
she thinks men are a curse.
miss anthropic, you need to unwind.
"
"i just lost a friend, a fine dancer.
her disease, the m.d.s couldn't answer.
the chemo she tried,
but still, sadly, she died.
now i wish for more drugs anticancer.
"
"an abanga's a west indian palm,
whose seeds can a sore chest becalm.
if it doesn't restore
your health like before,
you might try perusing a psalm.
"
"when stealing a car, i got caught
and attempts to stay free came to naught.
now i've finished my time
for that silly old crime,
so have i forgiveness abought?
"
"""what's wrong with my book?"" i then pleaded.
""the ending is good,"" he conceded.
""the plot is quite strong,
but it's overly long.
an abridgement may be what is needed.""
"
"each limerick here is an item,
and we've all made it clear we can write 'em.
in volumes! a score!
and then more upon more!
the work goes on ad infinitum!
"
"a young tourist decided to go
on a mexican holiday so
he could lie in the sand
and then really get tanned.
acapulco was perfect, you know!
"
"my chances appreciably rose
when i zapped the large wart off my nose.
now i call it success
when a prospect says yes.
hey, it sure beats the ""no""s and the ""oh""s.
"
"my priceless art, all asiatic,
makes my mantel look simply dramatic.
it's all oriental?
some bought and some rental.
i'm a true ornamental fanatic.
"
"assault boats have more than one gun.
amphibious war isn't fun.
so despite what you say
at marina del rey,
your dinghy could never be one.
"
"with an arsonous gleam in my eye,
someone's shoe i just happened to spy
with a hole in the toe
where the matches would go.
how delightful his screams! ""ay yi yi!""
"
"all my anecdotes once sounded cute,
but they turned into less than a hoot.
they got told and retold
'til the stories grew old.
now my wife will be filing her suit.
"
"why, these astronaut duds are pathetic!
my new boots were made antimagnetic.
so now up in space
i'm all over the place.
'stead of sticking, i'm peripatetic.
"
"""you should go ? well, just go your own way.""
anacoluthic! it's plain as the day:
when syntax makes jumps,
just like hitting some bumps
in your thoughts and your speech (so they say).
"
"said the con, ""let us play acey-deucey,""
to the sweet naive waif known as lucy.
the dice were not right
for 1-2s were a sight
more than normal. 'twas all loosey-goosey.
"
"i enrolled in algometry class,
which began with the students en masse
getting kicked in the heel,
and then asked, ""how'd that feel?""
the exams were all pains in the ass.
"
"appellate's the court you would use
when judgments go not as you'd choose.
the lawyers get fatter
and while they all natter,
the cost to you simply accrues.
"
"a lumberjack topples tall trees
and seemingly hews them with ease.
with just a few whacks
of his almighty axe
he demonstrates great expertise.
"
"tall and handsome, he hinted with charm
that the tryst ""couldn't do any harm.""
the allurement was strong
but she felt it was wrong,
for he smelt like her granddaddy's farm.
"
"lee's men fought the north, and they beat 'em.
then the north went to sharpsburg to meet 'em.
the waters ran red
with the blood of the dead
on the battlefield known as antietam.
"
"my awareness, the carillon's stealing
with chimes in a tune of great feeling.
the thunderous dongs
play these wonderous songs.
o! the beautiful bells are appealing!
"
"the site of the greatest acropolis
is athens, the greeks' main metropolis.
its parthenon, loaded
with stuff that exploded,
was marred, but the blast didn't topple this.
"
"sister jane, on her visit to joppa,
kissed a king, for her vows couldn't stop her.
the arresting farouk
looked so grand in that souk...
but the rest of our story's improper.
"
"i went for a loan at the bank,
and the manager said, ""let's be frank.
your request for more money
is awfully funny.
why tender this ludicrous prank?""
"
"for absence, it's best that i show
by way of example, and so
if you check the last line
i'm convinced you'll opine
that its rhyme has gone missing, you...
"
"some abnaki bands made a long trek
'cross the border and into quebec.
others chose to remain
on new england terrain,
where they gave early settlers some heck.
"
"there's a stony old loner from scone
who employs a superior tone.
his unsociable mood
has led folks to conclude
that because he's aloof, he's alone.
"
"the rebels decided to tell 'em
""yield sumter"", or else they would shell 'em.
so war would descend,
and thus bring to an end
the era we call antebellum.
"
"an augur is someone who will
predict what will be, good or ill.
if, instead, you want holes
in the ground like a mole's,
what you need is an auger, a drill.
"
"this ode's for aunt rhody's azalea,
whose beautiful blooms were regalia.
but its leaves badly curled
and its flowers then furled.
it appears her green thumb was a failya.
"
"said the vicar of bray (c. of e.),
""no anglican collar for me.
i am much more at home
with the slim one of rome,
so i'm off to become an r.c.""
"
"a starving young artist named frank
tried to sketch, but his confidence shrank.
putting pencil to paper,
his thoughts turned to vapour.
you could say he was drawing a blank.
"
"the albacore tuna's a fish
that makes a nice sushi-style dish.
when you eat this stuff raw
you will not find a flaw
in a dish that is simply delish.
"
"the calls for spaghetti came faster
than cooks in the kitchen could master.
insufficiently boiled,
the noodles were spoiled.
what a pasta al dente disaster!
"
"your kidneys are now on the blink
and not handling the liquids you drink.
with anuria, see,
they're not processing pee.
urine trouble, much more than you think.
"
"the adze is a hatchet-like tool
that is slow for a rookie or fool;
in the hands of a master
the work goes much faster.
for hollowing logs, it's a jewel.
"
"you must know how to bank when you fly
and are learning to turn in the sky.
if you just use the rudder,
your instructor will shudder,
so dipping one wing's what to try.
"
"a student discovered a craze?
a strange way of writing a phrase.
now he's signing his name
so, when flipped, it's the same!
in these ambigrams, words go both ways.
"
"if you need to climb over a fence
that is made from barbed wire, it makes sense
not to slip and get caught
'tween the legs (there's a thought):
such a balls-up leaves any man tense.
"
"the hostess came by with some wine,
showing dentures askew, out of line.
she said, ""aperitif?""
and with some disbelief,
i snapped, ""mine, madam, fit me just fine!""
"
"with dennis the menace and gnasher,
the beano was always a smasher.
the numskulls, plug, billy,
et al. were all silly.
when minnie came up, i would bash 'er.
"
"my muscles began to go slack
as i lay in the dirt on my back.
while my life passed me by,
i gazed up at the sky,
and then everything faded to black.
"
"it ran through my hands in a flood,
turned the earth at my feet into mud.
i thought, ""help me! that knife
put an end to my life,""
and i fell to the ground soaked in blood.
"
"when you've spent all night acting the lush,
and you dress, half asleep, in a rush,
give the barnet a comb
before you leave home
or your head will resemble a brush.
"
"""i am truly fantastic,"" he writes,
""a prince among men,"" he recites.
i doubt he can tell
how we all say his swell
autohagiography bites!
"
"if i were a young single lad,
out to furnish a bachelor pad,
i'd get cable tv,
a big couch just for me,
and a bed where i'd act like a cad.
"
"my stomach felt empty and hollow,
so my wife cooked me penne al pollo;
but i just couldn't eat.
what caused my defeat?
aphagia ? it means you can't swallow.
"
"when two companies plot to blockade
horizontal or vertical trade,
if there's no competition,
it's viewed with suspicion:
by antitrust law, they're unmade.
"
"at the market i often will sample
the cookies and pies, for example.
i munch on the trials
as i amble the aisles.
it's a problem, 'cause now i'm too ample.
"
"to ensure that you show without fail,
the courts have this thing they call bail.
if you happen to scoot,
say goodbye to this loot
and his honour will throw you in jail.
"
"add barley and hops to a kettle
and quality water. don't settle!
on top, yeast's fermenting
(with adequate venting)
and brewing an ale of fine fettle.
"
"the alouette's some kind of bird.
it's a skylark, or so i have heard.
that's what most people say
out by jonquiere way.
for the french, it's the most preferred word.
"
"the haughty hive owner named keyes
boasted, ""i have the best breed of bees.
it quite adds to my wallet
so i'd rather you call it
apiculture, not bee-keeping, please!""
"
"acaudate describes the manx breed
'cause they're lacking a tail, yes indeed.
please note that this lack
does not set them back.
as a house cat, they surely succeed.
"
"the surgery done on her chest
made her bosom protrude east and west.
said the doc, ""i'll be blunt.
they should be out in front.
why the heck are your breasts not abreast?""
"
"if you're looking for riots to cease,
get some adamsite gas to release.
if the mob stays around,
they will puke on the ground
and the threat to the peace will decrease.
"
"in the world of the deer, size does matter,
so bucks grow large antlers to batter
and vanquish their foes
and impress comely does.
a nice rack makes their hearts pitter-patter.
"
"the antennule will flick to and fro
on a lobster, thus letting it know
what's up in the water.
that aerial oughter
get channels like h2bo.
"
"on trna there resides
a triplet of nucleotides.
anticodons i.d.
the aminos for me
matching acids like grooms with their brides.
"
"your soap should be antibacterial
when killing off germs is material.
but washing won't work
when the bug is a jerk
at your office, and he's managerial.
"
"when you feel that you must antecede,
you of course need a deed to precede.
if that deed is completed
too soon, you're defeated,
and traveling in time is your need.
"
"why must you be antagonistic?
i'd swear that you're going ballistic.
all i did was suggest,
""try not being a pest.""
and now we're at cuffs almost fistic.
"
"my caespitose grass caused me grief,
and my groundskeeper shrieked disbelief.
the size of its clumps
had us down in the dumps
'cause it looked like an alpine massif!
"
"the basel accord, to a banker,
brought structure for which he did hanker.
while transfers are pending
for taking and lending,
it helps a bank skip all the rancor.
"
"calciphylaxis brings issues
of calcification of tissues.
when heidi got this,
it was hard to dismiss
the pain as she herded her swiss ewes.
"
"when beautiful writing is present,
a ""c"" might be drawn as a crescent.
calligraphy meshes
with artwork that's precious,
creating effects very pleasant.
"
"the westernmost island aleutian
is often a crossword solution:
it's attu, whose fame
is a very short name
that is absent of much convolution.
"
"in a theatre, an apron can mean
the bit of the stage in between
the curtain and pit
(that's where orchestras sit),
whereupon is performed a small scene.
"
"though my plate's always loaded with stuff,
i don't feel like i've had quite enough.
what's the cause of my shame?
what disease can i blame?
staying slim with acoria's tough.
"
"in the theatre's back row, we were missin'
the patrons' loud sibilant hissin'
when the bad guy appeared
with his pointy black beard.
you see, we were too busy kissin'.
"
"though will butcher may look like a brute,
he's a baker of no small repute.
his cakes, breads and pies
are feasts for the eyes
and his gingerbread men are so cute.
"
"to write logical functions that work,
there's a duty you really can't shirk.
you should make sure you know
where the arguments go,
lest you run it and feel like a jerk.
"
"say, when eating a hazelnut cake
that your mum took the trouble to bake,
""this avellane flavour
is one i can savour.""
not, ""i would have preferred a fat steak.""
"
"to avoid being caught by the draft,
i constructed a beautiful raft.
to float off down the nile,
and escape from my trial,
i used ambatch to make up my craft.
"
"if your legs are apart by design
but you want them aligned with your spine,
then the muscles involved
to get this resolved
are adductors ? they bring things in line.
"
"at the end of a very long sleep,
having counted great numbers of sheep,
it is time to awake.
and for sanity's sake,
will you turn off that godawful beep?
"
"the man in the midst of the glade,
a glove on his hand made of suede,
waiting there for his hawk,
while the crowd stand and gawk,
is an austringer out on parade.
"
"it was maths lessons i used to dread.
you see, averages messed up my head.
mean, median, mode:
is that some sort of code?
at the end of it all i just fled.
"
"if you look at my eyes there won't be
any sign of the hole that's the key
to perceiving a view ?
there's no pupil, just blue.
acorea is why i can't see.
"
"in a desperate quest to stay young,
i applied a thin layer of dung
to my face, ears, and neck,
'cause i looked like a wreck.
anti-ageing dung's charms are unsung.
"
"that a(b + c) is the same
as ab + ac is no game.
this is viewed as a truth,
one you learn as a youth.
as an axiom of maths it has fame.
"
"city gates? there were seven, at least,
to keep access to london policed?
bishops-, moorgate, and new-,
to name merely a few.
it was aldgate that guarded the east.
"
"before trying this rock-climbing fad,
i had eaten chinese with my dad.
halfway up a long climb
was not the best time
to discover the meat had gone bad.
"
"the old barrow boy walked round the slums
with his cart and a case of the glums.
he was making a loss,
trading pears, leeks and cos,
and his trousers were chafing his plums.
"
"when flying your f-14 tomcat
in dangerous air-to-air combat,
to gain the ""ace"" label
you'll need to be able
to hit the rear end of a wombat.
"
"as the bails flew up high in the air
the poor batsman could only despair.
he'd been on for a ton,
needed just one more run,
but he fell to a bowler with flair.
"
"when you're buying a boatload of trout
and your cash supply's almost run out,
a credit card's due;
why not try amex blue??
""it's the one you won't leave home without.""
"
"a food show was facing the axe
because of the state of its snacks.
the soup looked like goo,
the same with the stew,
and the puddings were made out of wax.
"
"when you start to run out of good words
and you're left with the dregs even nerds
wouldn't touch, you still find
terms that can be enshrined,
e.g. avicide ? ""killing of birds.""
"
"your innards reside in your belly,
where they nestle all gooey and smelly,
but removed from your core
and laid out on the floor
alength, they'd be eight yards of jelly.
"
"the new version was not up to par
'cause the cuts made the story bizarre.
too much plot was removed,
so it's easily proved
'twas a case of abridgement too far.
"
"i don't write with much speed or with grace,
and so ambling's my poetry pace.
it may take me some time
to find just the right rhyme.
that's ok. it's not some sort of race.
"
"the dysfunction that's known as acrania
is no mental disorder or mania.
it's not ""all in your head.""
it's what's not there instead.
with no skull bone, life's far from mundania.
"
"if your cornea's shape is erratic,
the effect can be somewhat dramatic.
you lads and you lasses
will all need eyeglasses
to see, 'cause you're all astigmatic.
"
"my knowledge of meter was poor.
the suggestions you made i adore.
my works did improve;
you've given them groove.
i propose to compose even more.
"
"i'm off to the city, it's true.
i'll miss where the sky is so blue.
being up in these hills
is the greatest of thrills.
o mountains, how alpine for you!
"
"the fresh water fish called the bleak
(or ablen) is what you should seek,
because counterfeit pearls
for impressing the girls
can come from its scales by technique.
"
"absolving was what he eschewed.
he was loud and abusive and rude.
""there'll be hell to pay
if i have my way!
and somebody's gonna get sued!""
"
"a mayan tattooist might start
with prayers to this god of his art.
he then will begin
by breaking the skin
and inking a bare body part.
"
"with an acarine type of disease,
you don't have a problem with fleas.
it's with ticks and with mites
and their wee-tiny bites.
they're the cause of your pain and unease.
"
"the charg? d'affaires was uptight
as he tried to avert a big fight.
his task wasn't easy:
to do what the sleazy
ambassador hadn't got right.
"
"the choir loft offered seclusion
to a preacher, who had the delusion
that a girl in the choir
would indulge his desire
without scandalous news in profusion.
"
"the old charcoal burner gets dusty,
just sitting there, lonely and rusty.
the gas-burning wonder
that stole all its thunder
is simpler to use and more trusty.
"
"your desktop computers have cables,
which tangle behind office tables.
if this makes you queasy,
then make your life easy
by giving your cables some labels.
"
"a cousin of molly malone
makes meals from the inner cow bone.
she wheels her beef marrow
through streets broad and narrow,
and my, how her business has grown!
"
"although centralization can be
good or bad to a varied degree,
to a fed'ralist thinker
it's better to tinker.
states' rights, though, make some disagree.
"
"this caesaropapism might
be wrong or it could be all right.
as church and state mix,
we could be in a fix
of a sociological plight.
"
"an agoraphilia strike
caused the amorous couple to hike
to wide-open spaces
and go through their paces,
to practice the acts that they like.
"
"if -caine is the medicine's end,
then probably it can defend
a patient from pain,
while the ailments remain,
and comfort we then can extend.
"
"the chamois cloth in my garage
survived my car-washing barrage.
my saab got much scrubbing,
and wiping and rubbing,
enjoying its swedish massage.
"
"moon vistas are cratered and dusty;
the plans for manned bases are musty.
to spacemen we catered,
but business has cratered.
our moonbuggy shop is now fusty.
"
"the ball park was emptied of fans,
who'd left in their coupes and sedans.
the chopfallen batter
saw pennant hopes shatter
and knew it had been in his hands.
"
"the chief master sergeant has stripes
that make casual counters go ""yipes!""
to count up all eight
is a task that can grate,
but no airman would dare to voice gripes.
"
"the boat owner's eager to find
some tourists whose pockets are lined
with cash, to go sailing
with bait never-failing.
his charterers get wined and dined!
"
"a charitable cause wants my cash,
but hurried donations are rash.
i have to decide
if the group's bona fide,
and then to my checkbook i'll dash.
"
"cacophonously did they play
heavy metal all night and all day,
'til nine scottish neighbors
produced pipes and tabors,
and gleefully danced a strathspey.
"
"although charles ix was once king,
his praises the french don't much sing.
bartholomew's day
was a bloody dismay
and his mind's disarray it would bring.
"
"geography measures the earth;
chorography measures fort worth,
or some other local
place, city, or focal
point smaller than terra's broad girth.
"
"this part of ol' vitamin b
is very important to me.
the reason is that
choline breaks up my fat,
making room for more eating of brie.
"
"chapultepec once was the site
of a u.s. and mexican fight.
from aztecs, long gone,
to young soldiers this dawn,
they couldn't withstand stronger might.
"
"a goalie's sartorial splendor
(regardless of belt or suspender)
will oft avoid jeans
'cause they're creaseless; that means
that there's no place to put the goaltender!
"
"the cr?me de la cr?me is a gem
(that is, neither a dent nor a blem).
if you're after the best
and your search has been blessed,
then you'll never have aught to condemn.
"
"a chef debonair named pierre
practiced cooking tr?s extraordinaire!
so when you run across
this man's brandy cream sauce,
then you'll feast with an elegant flair!
"
"for cheapernet matt was aspiring,
with two rolls of 10base2 wiring.
but that's never gonna
be network nirvana!
his term of employment's expiring.
"
"an ovary, stigma, and style
form a carpel in anise?worthwhile,
'cause in pairs they are called
cremocarps, which are balled
into treats that can sweeten your smile.
"
"credentialed the nominee's not.
the reason? his seat's not yet bought.
the fly in the ointment
that threatens appointment?
his failure to sweeten the pot.
"
"an old cornemuse might not amuse
someone trying to catch a short snooze.
as those french bagpipes sound
like what scots keep around,
some might voice inharmonious views.
"
"the creeping oxalis indeed
is a multibranched, mat-forming weed.
in the south texas plains,
fields are full of its strains
as their pale yellow flowers spread seed.
"
"a creditrix isn't a ruse
that a bank uses, putting the screws
on its clients, oh no!
it's a woman you owe
some repayment for funds you now use.
"
"incredible though it might seem,
some people believe any scheme!
these credent folks buy
crackpot notions like pi
being equal to three. what a meme!
"
"amniocentesis can ascertain sex ?
which was formerly guessed with a hex.
if you know it's a boy,
you can buy the right toy,
so it makes parents' lives less complex.
"
"as i floated downstream in a raft,
a giant sea serpent struck aft.
said i, all aquiver,
""hey, this is a river!
d'ya think that old serpent's gone daft?""
"
"when a craftswoman set up her booth
at the fair, just outside of duluth,
she had made shoddy goods
from inferior woods,
so her ads bore no likeness to truth.
"
"ms. pamela anderson lee
looks rather fantastic to me.
her breast augmentation ?
this chesty inflation ?
has grown her to 34-d.
"
"in a limerick, it seems that acridity
would be hard to define with lucidity.
if this shot's not to stink,
i must sit here and think...
maybe ""bad smell"" would have some validity.
"
"a brewer while brewing at crewe
found a mouse in a vat of his brew.
this great rodent taste
he promptly displaced,
lest the other beers need some mice, too!
"
"my fishies all gave me a kick,
and then, to my grief, they got sick!
""the cost to treat costia,""
the vet said, ""will frost ya!""
twixt money and fish i must pick.
"
"when we want to speak well of the devil's
darning needle, we think on two levels:
the ivy takes one,
but the insect's more fun.
let the darner get on with his revels!
"
"said a squirrel, in accents sardonic,
""why's a fast'ner (one knurled and conic),
when it's used on a bike,
called an acorn nut, like
the nuts that i eat? how ironic!""
"
"to our own credit union i'll phone,
in my efforts to get a cheap loan.
the banks wouldn't do it,
so i said, ""just screw it!
the c. u. will throw me a bone.""
"
"there's a game (on a small billiards table)
that is challenging?if you are able.
this bumper pool forces
some caroming courses,
and man, can it drive you unstable!
"
"one wee as in old rome bought a bit;
but decusses could buy the whole kit.
use an ""x"" to write ten
and decussate comes then
to mean cruciform?""x"" marks the split.
"
"all the senators' voices sang out;
near-unanimous ""ayes"" left no doubt.
they so clearly had lent
their advice in concent
that the bill was thus passed in a rout!
"
"the decuman bedroom of caesar
was largely built so it would please her.
gigantic'ly sized,
'twas still ill-advised ?
calpurnia? only a teaser.
"
"a chartered accountant named ned
ran costs through his spreadsheet and said,
""these figures are boring
and leave people snoring.
i'd rather tame lions instead.""
"
"to make cr?me caramel, you need cream,
and some sugar and milk help the team.
take some sugar and heat it.
make a custard and beat it.
bake and flip it?it tastes like a dream!
"
"the angler tells tales of the size
of the fish that have met their demise.
credulity stretches
as fisherman fetches
more beer to embellish his lies.
"
"when liquor was banned by the dries,
crime syndicates leapt for the prize.
their prohibited goods
reaped much wealth for the hoods,
'cause the customers' need never dies.
"
"""those color-field works are so smart!""
said critics of still's abstract art.
great big patches of paint
made the times lady faint,
but to me, it's a visual fart.
"
"a person from phoenix? phoenician.
and someone from venice? venetian.
but this present submission
means ""growth by addition.""
it's not ""one from crete""; it's accretion.
"
"the wife-beater cuffed her again;
the cops took him off to the bin.
they cuffed him and hauled
the goon off as she called,
""you'll pay out the ass for your sin!""
"
"for cremation, the chamber gets hot,
to keep the dead bodies from rot.
of course, these are terms
that can piss off some worms,
who blame them for meals they ain't got.
"
"when dudes redefine a good word,
their usage can seem quite absurd.
those harley guys meddle
with biker (think pedal),
then some folks call that use preferred!
"
"pliny's romans knew one copper piece
as an as, but a little increase
of one's fortune to ten
and those asses were then
a decussis, so hunger could cease.
"
"if books are to earn high regard,
their binder boards better be hard.
they're covered in leather
or cloth, and together
they keep the book's pages unmarred.
"
"the word apteryx means ""kiwi bird,""
and not ""kiwi fruit"" (so i've heard).
""sans wings"" is its heart,
if you take it apart,
and applies to the bird, fruit, and word.
"
"blagojevich got no receipts
when he tried to sell congressmen's seats.
most illinois voters
backed gov'nor-demoters
because of rod's bribes and deceits.
"
"the creole state stands all alone.
its assets are globally known:
great places to dine,
the jazz halls so fine,
and zydeco music, homegrown.
"
"this old music is simple, it's clear,
and i smile when it reaches my ear.
with an anglican chant
in the air, i just can't
help but think it exquisitely dear.
"
"i watched a criterium racer
who pedaled some laps with a chaser.
when race time came 'round,
she was victory-bound ?
opponents unable to pace her.
"
"now, the cornamuse also is known
as a cornamute, and has a tone
like a crumhorn, it seems.
but the music that streams
through it lies in the quieter zone.
"
"chicago, that toddlin' town,
has els loop the loop of renown.
its bears and its cubs,
and 'hawks and jazz clubs,
and shoreline, they all take the crown.
"
"a whole double magnum seemed fitting
to honor the jury's acquitting.
but a huge dose of wine
left me feeling not fine;
this morning my head was just splitting.
"
"our offense was off ? couldn't score;
the defense failed, too! we just swore!
this coindication
of football frustration
grieved all of us. ""win one!"" we'd roar.
"
"a bun goes 'round some kind of meat
to make a traditional treat.
if in it are clustered
some catsup and mustard,
some call that a meal you can't beat!
"
"the penalty now? durance vile!
they torture him, too, all the while!
in a prison he sits,
just for loosing some bits
of memos in wikileaks style.
"
"when a lawyer petitions a judge
to dijudicate some legal sludge,
he hopes there will be
some fairness to see:
his honor should not bear a grudge.
"
"those dactyloscopidae fish
won't likely wind up on my dish.
they hide in the sand
of their wet grazing land.
to feast on them isn't my wish.
"
"o'er andros and delos and k?a,
i chased a girl pretty as leia.
that cyclades race
set a pounds-shedding pace.
my sweetie then said, ""let me weigh ya!""
"
"from boise, the mountains are near.
(the sawtooths are some we hold dear.)
and then, if you're wishing
for rafting or fishing,
there's many a stream right near here!
"
"in gangster films, cagney and raft
depended on trust in their craft.
just one double-crosser
could run to the law, sir,
and very well give 'em the shaft!
"
"as soft as the silk of a spider ?
or maybe the down of an eider ?
the downiness felt
in my mare's winter pelt
makes me joyful whenever i ride her.
"
"disgraduate me? what'd i do?
reduce me in rank and i'm through!
i merely suggested,
while everyone rested,
""we sleep better listening to you.""
"
"where cumulative voting is done,
the one-vote-per-man meme we shun.
at the candidates' call
you could vote one for all,
though they ask you to vote all for one.
"
"damned cordgrass (of genus spartina)!
a colony clogs our marina.
some boat owners fear it
and wanted to clear it,
but epa served a subpoena!
"
"the sea's  cyclobranchiate critters
have never been thought of as quitters.
those gills 'round the edge
of their bodies, i pledge,
are marks of these prize boat-hull-sitters.
"
"with currency devaluation,
the monetary base of a nation
gets lowered in worth;
the rich feel no mirth.
(not all of the crabs are crustacean.)
"
"the anglian north had a land
called deira; 'twas not very grand.
when ?lla took charge,
its future looked large,
and northward this land did expand.
"
"piers anthony's very prolific;
his body of work's beatific!
he starts work at eight,
like my old office mate,
and his novels still come out terrific!
"
"when the wife showed her disapprobation
of her husband's fall sports dedication
she ranted and raved
on the way he behaved ?
a fanatic who loved bronco nation.
"
"old limburger flavored the trap;
a mouse ate it: oh, what a sap!
the trap had been baited;
for death he now waited
with bated breath, crying, ""oh, crap!""
"
"do trumpetfish rock? no, and as
cornetfish will never play jazz,
and these flutemouths don't play
""night and day"" night or day,
then their naming is all razzmatazz.
"
"all antimitotic drugs hop
on nuclei wanting to pop.
they can't let cells' middle
bits randomly diddle
and divvy cells! uh-uh! full stop!
"
"cold winds whipping though the great plains
make drivers dress tires up in chains.
and a crew shovels snow
whipped by driftwinds that blow,
so snowdrifts don't hinder the trains.
"
"when singing a tune diaphonic,
their voices can be quite hedonic.
i can highly commend
how the two of them blend
in melody sweetly harmonic.
"
"the dollar mark's birth is unknown,
but many have thoughts of their own:
some say it's from peso.
from u.s.? i'd say so.
one ""pieces of eight"" link's been shown.
"
"bernicia was ripe to be grown;
then ?thelfrith came to the throne.
he took over deira;
but edwin said, ""yay, rah!""
reconquering both as his own.
"
"a cranioclasm is sad,
but sometimes no help can be had.
a crushed little head
and the baby is dead.
it's hard, then, to tell mom and dad.
"
"you don't want your cows grazing over
that field full of buffalo clover!
so please take my word:
lupins poison the herd,
so spell it out now to each drover!
"
"""weel ya deek that!"" the scotsman exclaimed,
when he saw how the painting was framed.
'twas a horrible match
and it had a big scratch,
but the painter could hardly be blamed.
"
"it can take exogamic ?lan
to be married outside of your clan.
'cause most folks tend to like
those who ""ride the same bike,""
and they have since the whole thing began.
"
"once, i planted a fine lady's slipper,
by the light of the astral big dipper.
cypripedia it's called.
'cross my garden it sprawled,
so i whittled it down with a clipper.
"
"if it's fibromyalgia you've got,
then you might want some medical pot.
to do best it should be
full of good cbd.
but, um, just to get high? maybe not.
"
"an enneagon shows us nine sides
(or so say geometry guides).
and yet where would one find
any shape of this kind,
if nature no instance provides?
"
"either femoral artery's not
a most wonderful place to get shot,
'cause this vessel that's near
to your thigh bone is dear,
and if that goes, your chances aren't hot.
"
"said a wary plutonium bit
after word of a big neutron hit,
""that bombardment's no boon!
i'll be fermium soon?
to this change i will have to submit.""
"
"they are fellows who study the state
of all nations' finances to date.
but they can't always tell
if all's well or not well.
on thin ice these economists skate.
"
"when my buddy has had a few brews,
then felicitously always he'll choose
to deliver his keys
to my keeping; he sees
that he can't seem to drive, for the booze.
"
"the board of equalization
runs taxes and handles proration
for property, sales,
and such tawdry details,
including the vineyards' libation.
"
"when the botany prof up and bawled,
""well, a natural outgrowth is called
an enation, you dolt!"",
well, sir, that was a jolt!
to be yelled at like that? i'm appalled!
"
"in rome, they'd end ""loci"" with ""key"";
now, many folks say it like ""sea.""
in boston, the celtics
are nothing like celtics
(what irish of old used to be).
"
"the longhorn fans' dobber was down,
but texas then hired coach mack brown.
he turned things around,
got the team rose bowl-bound,
and won the 2006 crown.
"
"cr?dit mobilier was a ruse
that was big in electoral news.
it let congress partake of
the railroaders' rake-off.
the public responded with boos.
"
"well, you won't find 'em down in the sea,
'cause they live on the land, like a tree!
the coral bush flowers
delight me for hours.
they're as pretty as plant life can be.
"
"when ellen was going with anne,
the tabloids said, ""stick with a man!""
degenerously, they
had base words for the gay
living style in the stories they ran.
"
"now, descriptive psychiatry's based
on observable symptoms we've faced.
but psychodynamics
are fragile ceramics,
in comparison. lord, what a waste!
"
"he credibly laid out the plot
of how to get rich planting pot.
""the business is growing,""
he noted while crowing:
""my plot is a well-hidden spot.""
"
"poor adam the atom got wed
to molly, but nobody said
that their dative bond  meant
his electrons were spent
keeping her orbits joyfully fed.
"
"we saw 'em with ol' mammy yokum,
and douglas macarthur? he'd smoke 'em.
some folks have a need
for tobacky or weed.
the corncob's a pipe  that can stoke 'em!
"
"if amigurumi is now
your way to make friends utter ""wow!"",
then knit your wee critters,
to ward off the jitters,
and make me a soft kobe cow.
"
"expansionists grew the u.s.
(some might even say to excess)
again and again,
by a factor of ten,
as more and more land they'd possess.
"
"a resinous heartwood that's found
in trees of vietnamese ground
is well-known by its smell:
you can probably tell
when eaglewood fibers abound.
"
"what the smart coleopterist sees
when this bright-colored beetle's at ease:
there's no bug quite the same ?
chrysomelid's its name,
and it's eating the leaves off his trees!
"
"the mikado's lord high executioner
was rhymed with a new word: ablutioner.
when gilbert thus wrote
this lexical mote,
some called him a language dilutioner.
"
"what sherman did warn't deplantation;
he burnt a big path through our nation!
naw, this is when gard'ners,
with diggers as pardners,
denude beds of flow'rs ? depredation!
"
"now that double-crosser was bad ?
""old poet's name"" crossed ""franklin's dad""!
one should never beset
solvers with a duet
like that, 'cause it just makes them mad.
"
"a cancer may make endostatin;
new blood vessels won't form with that in.
to name this condition
of growth inhibition
is sadly too much for my latin.
"
"to market a pricey cloth shoe
was tricky. most people said ""foo!""
but after we dolled it
up brightly and called it
a ""cross-trainer,"" sales figures grew!
"
"exothermic reactions make heat,
and to my eye that really looks neat!
but in chemistry class,
a potassium mass
dropped in water is not to be beat!
"
"an electroscope measures a state
of electrical charge (while you wait).
a voltmeter acts
much the same, finding facts
on, say, dry cells you ought to update.
"
"a sad crustaceologist wrote
of critters attached to his boat:
""these barnacles get
in the way of my net ?
to my crabs i've no time to devote.""
"
"a cyclopedist might not go biking,
with a pair of eyes more to his liking.
with his references, you
can most errors eschew
and your knowledge will have your scores spiking.
"
"as he romps through that boston hall, faneuil,
my cavalier king charles spaniel,
stays cute as a bug,
with that sweet-looking mug,
though he gobbles his food ? every granule!
"
"in your fiction, a creable land
must be strictly and carefully planned.
you have to take care
that your sea, land, and air
are just right, lest your novel be panned.
"
"when a gets together with e,
i find many sounds they can be.
a why or a way
or a wee rhyme today
with this ancient linguistic debris!
"
"the pm's not really a cretin;
his thyroid's just fine?so i'm bettin'.
he needs to remodel
his cretinous twaddle;
he sounds like dementia has set in.
"
"if angels can dance on a pin
while feeling no pain on their skin,
acmaesthesia's the word
for their feelings, i've heard,
but me? i do that with sloe gin.
"
"a submarine sandwiches diet
sounds good and i think i should try it.
a program that's credible,
with meals clearly edible,
might keep all my food critics quiet.
"
"deoxy, er, ribonucleic
is ? whether you're french or altaic ?
an acid that tells
'bout the stuff in your cells.
it's quickly becoming prosaic.
"
"the cymry sing beautiful tunes
and carve really elegant spoons.
each cymro is gallant;
each cymraes has talent.
and harpists? euterpe just swoons!
"
"if you talk to a mariner boss
about maths, it could just make him cross.
try explaining the mean
and he might vent his spleen.
to him, you see, average means loss.
"
"i've been on a fortnight-long bender
in bars full of opulent splendour:
pints of beer, rows of shots,
case of wine, champagne?lots.
now my head feels all fuzzy and tender.
"
"in the woods i stood watching a doe,
my movements deliberately slow.
when i saw the gap narrow,
i selected an arrow
and silently drew back the bow.
"
"do you hanker to start on the c's?
have you got a cool limerick on cheese?
well, don't get in a state;
there's not too long to wait,
now we've broken the back of the b's.
"
"the sergeant had yelled out, ""attention!""
but my friends had neglected to mention
that it meant ""stand erect!
eyes front! show respect!""
that lapse is what caused my suspension.
"
"now i note a verse rendering pi,
within which the words strictly high-
light, adeptly encrypted,
how to get scripted
this number in digits. just try!
"
"when the set's to mike leigh's satisfaction,
and he's driving the crew to distraction,
then the ""lights!"" will be shone
and the ""cameras!"" roll on,
so the cast should be ready for ""action!""
"
"down my street there's a nice little nook
with a stream that a good local book
says makes people rejoice,
as it sounds like a voice.
people call it the ""babbling brook"".
"
"i knew, if i followed my cues,
i would fully deserve good reviews.
as the villain, my role
in this panto's quite droll,
so i wasn't expecting the boos.
"
"in order to make that girl mine,
i've asked her to my place to dine.
the food's sorted, i think,
but what shall we drink?
i'll ask bacchus, the greek god of wine.
"
"as your foes with their siege engines toil,
you should set a large cauldron to boil.
all you do then is wait
till they're outside the gate,
and then douse them in scalding hot oil.
"
"""hey doc,"" i said, ""please tell me straight.
what's the reason i don't feel too great?
oh my god! the big c?""
he said, ""listen to me:
you need not be resigned to your fate.""
"
"while not always the closest of clashes,
this year has seen plenty of smashes.
they've given their all
with the bat and the ball.
could england, at last, win the ashes?
"
"bobotie's an african dish
(you could cook it at home if you wish).
served on top of some rice,
made with bread, beef, and spice
and then baked in whisked egg ? it's delish!
"
"the old steeplejack let loose a yell
as down the church tower he fell.
when he dropped past the chime,
he grabbed hold, just in time ?
in short, he was saved by the bell.
"
"the cops caught a carthorse called mort,
who had plugged his pal prancer for sport.
he was held without hay,
just one apple a day,
then was tried at the badminton court.
"
"as the battle of hastings raged high,
harold stood looking up  at the sky,
saw the flights 'gainst the grey,
but did not look away,
and for that he got one in the eye.
"
"averse used to mean turned away
or backward, as some folk may say,
like the face of my wife
when i swore on my life
'twasn't me that she saw with rene?.
"
"a sprinter from college named pegg,
who is always the anchor (the leg
that's the relay's last lap),
is a sporty young chap,
and for dates with him cheerleaders beg.
"
"thanks to bark, an old tree can endure.
the case of a bug can insure
it stays safe. a hard shell
guards the tortoise as well.
all these armatures keep them secure.
"
"in the dungeon, i came to a door.
and beyond it? i had to explore.
as i loosened the catches,
i could hear some soft scratches.
then a flood of large rats crossed the floor.
"
"though he'd led since the start of the race,
i was willing to take on the chase,
so i put on a burst,
caught him, went into first
and then kept up that punishing pace.
"
"we are building, by long island sound,
our new home from the trees all around.
though the plans may bewilder,
we've found a great builder,
and now is the time to break ground.
"
"i'm unable to buy you a coke?
it's simply no longer a joke.
my account's in the red
and my cash flow is dead;
in short, i am flat, stony broke.
"
"your ad says you're willing to patch
all the holes in my cottage's thatch
for the price of a lunch
in the pub.  i've a hunch
it's too good to be true. what's the catch?
"
"to eat burgers all day was the plan,
so i fried a whole load in a pan,
but the meat in those buns
only gave me the runs.
now i'm spending all day on the can.
"
"i'd been sat by the river all day
but the fish were not swimming my way.
i was not having fun?
one small catch would have done?
so i packed up my gear in dismay.
"
"although silence, at times, can be nice,
at my party i tried to entice
lots of smiles from each guest,
but i failed in my quest.
then i farted and that broke the ice.
"
"in the past, i was known as a bloke
who wore a broad smile as his cloak.
but between me and you,
something's making me blue.
this depression is really no joke.
"
"the warrior crept through the cave,
whose depths were as dark as the grave.
his quest?  shave some hair
from the back of a bear.
this apache's one hell of a brave.
"
"if you're feeling all weak and aweary,
in other words generally dreary,
have a nice cup of tea,
and i'm sure you'll agree,
it will make you feel so much more cheery.
"
"when balloons are in lavish supply,
filled with helium, making them fly,
and you take them en masse,
breathing in all the gas,
then your voice will be pitched really high.
"
"if invited to play as a sub
for the famous barbarians club
my spirits would soar;
but to go on to score?
what a tale to retell in the pub!
"
"anniversaries come once a year:
celebrations that bring lots of cheer.
they recapture a time,
like that day in your prime
when you married the girl you revere.
"
"if it's fruit tart you're wanting to buy,
then no matter the brand that you try,
for hot fruit in a crust
it is simple; you just
can't beat mama's sweet blueberry pie.
"
"you can use me when surfing abroad
or perhaps when your home is refloored.
i am found after sail,
side, cup, plaster, and tail.
so what am i? that's right, i'm a board!
"
"at my feet all the girls used to swoon;
now they stare at me like i'm a loon.
on my diet's first day
(""eat the new fatkins way""),
my weight had ballooned before noon.
"
"life is harsh for a battery hen
who's cooped up in a tiny, dark pen.
it's not good for her health,
but she generates wealth
for a farmer in clear need of zen.
"
"the professor had hoped for a bolt
of lightning to give him the jolt
he required to succeed
in his life-giving deed,
but he managed just one measly volt.
"
"""have i told you this story before?
i have? well, i'll tell it once more.
at the start of the drought...""
then i blanked the rest out
since that man's an insufferable bore.
"
"if behind you no shadow is cast,
i'll just stand there and watch you aghast.
you're a vampire ? or
from some ascian shore.
i'll relax once my panic has passed.
"
"to escape his ingenious trap,
my bishop must block up that gap.
the game is a wreck,
and my king is in check,
but i spy a way out of this scrap.
"
"""there's a new store in town, kitchen copper,
where i brought you a gleaming new chopper.""
anger stirred by that phrase
made me say, eyes ablaze,
""i'll learn you to talk english proper!""
"
"before i set off on the trek,
my gear was laid out on the deck.
""have i got the right map?
and my blt wrap?
and my red leather thong?"" ""check, check, check.""
"
"my colleagues all slept while our bosses
droned on about not making losses.
my laundered, checked shirt
helped to keep me alert;
it allowed me to play noughts and crosses!
"
"when i sat on a haystack?a bale?
i felt what i thought was a nail
stick me right in the rump?
made me needle-lessly jump.
but my mates don't believe this tall tale.
"
"now, catch is a game you can play
with your kids, in the garden, all day.
all you need is a ball
they can hold?i.e., small?
first you throw, then they catch.  you're away!
"
"in a chase down the freeway, i thought
i'd escaped the policemen that sought
to arrest me. instead,
a damn road block ahead
had me trapped, and i knew i'd been caught.
"
"when i was a kid, mum would scold,
whenever some snow was foretold,
""though your clothes may be cool,
don't behave like a fool;
if you go out like that, you'll catch cold!""
"
"waking early, i heed my friend's warning
and break camp before daylight is dawning.
i get up off my back,
pack the tent in my sack,
and set off as the night turns to morning.
"
"when vera got married to pete,
her dress was an elegant treat.
a bolt of fine silk,
the colour of milk,
formed a train of at least sixty feet!
"
"it's raining and blowing outside
and my car has just spluttered and died.
my old bike's in the shed
and i must buy some bread,
so i'll brave the bad weather and ride.
"
"your actions have left me confused
and i'm feeling a little bit used.
you would call me your rock
but your words would then mock.
now my ego is battered and bruised.
"
"you say that you're off on a hunt
for a c-road?  i'll try to be blunt.
though you'll search all around,
there are none to be found,
so please just forget the whole stunt.
"
"when a road is denoted by b,
you will know that it's really quite wee.
lanes that weave through the downs,
joining hamlets to towns,
fill my drives through the country with glee.
"
"if you're after an excellent match
then you'll find i'm the best of the batch:
perfect gent, never late,
always pays on a date;
all in all, i'm one hell of a catch.
"
"every road right across this great nation
falls under a classification;
if lettered with a,
it's a noteworthy way?
they form the whole network's foundation.
"
"in this park there's a bench that i seek
whenever my outlook is bleak.
there i'll sit till the morrow,
engulfed by my sorrow,
all broken and heartsick and weak.
"
"though the auditors tend to begrudge it,
when it comes to the ledger, i fudge it.
as my costs always rise,
just a couple of lies
and, by magic, i stick to the budget.
"
"the tanks blew in the blink of an eye;
the inferno then raged wide and high.
clouds of acrid, grey smoke,
like a smothering cloak,
quickly blackened the whole of the sky.
"
"i thought that some brisk exestuation
might help me to brew a libation.
it boiled over, all right?
what a horrible fright!
my cooking gets no adulation.
"
"i give, without fear of redaction,
great praise for euthermic reaction!
that pad is a heater?
a handy cold-beater.
its chemicals bring satisfaction.
"
"enology happens to be
a subject where knowledge is key.
like, who knows what to plant?
or which grapevines you can't?
that little old winemaker, me!
"
"an emerald shiner is not
the irish black eye that i thought.
this small, blunt-nosed fish
might well make a fine dish,
but nothing for which i'd have fought!
"
"if a dead man's cold fingers should brush
on your own digits, you needn't rush
for a zombicide. this
is a fungus whose bliss
is to turn yummy tree stumps to mush.
"
"if eyeball is used as a verb,
it sometimes draws comments acerb.
folks eyeball the word
like it's something absurd.
its usage they wish i would curb.
"
"well, chondrology tells me my knee
has some cartilage painful to me.
a meniscus it is,
and to fix it's the biz
of some doctors who charge a fat fee.
"
"a hangman, perhaps, i could be;
a headchopper maybe, or gee,
i just might have a flair
with the 'lectrical chair:
that fine executioner ? me.
"
"once, many long years in the past,
a lovely girl left me aghast.
her finger she'd poke
in her eyeball ? no joke!
her contacts went in lightning fast.
"
"a century came and then passed.
the pennant hopes come and go fast.
the cubs cannot win
the world series again;
it seems like the die has been cast!
"
"each friday my grandma plays bingo;
the players all have their own lingo.
gram says, ""mercy in heaven!
i need legs eleven
to win me that prize pink flamingo!""
"
"acephaly comes from roots greek.
it means ""without head,"" so to speak.
[when] it's used in your verse,
[then] your lines will be terse,
[their] first syllables dropped as technique.
"
"it's a dangerous bay in this light,
but those pirates present a worse plight.
it's inviting disaster
to fight their three-master,
as their barque is much worse than this bight.
"
"it's an injury hurting the knee
and it's frequent for people who ski.
they need to beware
of an acl tear.
it makes skiing less stable, you see.
"
"for a present i gave dear petronia
a flowering yellow amsonia.
she said with a tear,
""but it's 'screwstem' my dear.
it's an annual known as bartonia.""
"
"she departs from exotic bihar
just to meet him in distant dakar.
then they go separate ways
with a long backwards gaze,
which concludes their affair from afar.
"
"i bided with breath that was bated
and an anguish not easily sated.
my petitioning plea:
""will you always love me?""
the answer to which i awaited.
"
"mrs. abington oft starred in plays
in the seventeen-hundreds (old days).
while reynolds did paint her,
there's no cause to saint her
though fashion and style earned her praise.
"
"do you suffer from body pollution
and search for a simple solution?
well, take a hot shower
with soap and then scour:
pollution's solution's ablution.
"
"anchovies: delicious small fishes
that people include in some dishes.
they have strong salty flavour
that many folks savour.
on pizza, though, not what i wishes.
"
"despite being named like a girl, he
sought fame as a grappler, all burly.
who'd have thought that small laddie
would become a big daddy?
don't laugh at his name, though: it's shirley.
"
"while this could be regarded as quaint,
when i'm hurt, it's a massive constraint.
i get breathless and dizzy,
since, quiet or busy,
all hospitals make me feel faint.
"
"in the concert, the audience hissed
when the drunken conductor dismissed
the lead trumpet for saying
the cause of his swaying
was being, let's say, brahms and liszt.
"
"i stared at the floor, feeling crook?
i'd been caught by a massive left hook;
having heard the bell ring,
i then saw his arm swing
and blacked out from the beating i took.
"
"the central's the longest of all;
it connects much of london's great sprawl.
many stations are packed,
and you risk getting whacked;
getting onto the train's like a brawl!
"
"from the east, it heads off to the west.
but for years it was far from the best.
now the line that was jaded
is somewhat upgraded;
the district's at one with the rest.
"
"if your arms are straight down by your side
and your aim is to spread them out wide,
then the muscles you need
to accomplish this deed
are abductors ? this can't be denied.
"
"halfway through an eleven-mile trek,
our home was no more than a speck.
""did i lock up the house?""
said my airheaded spouse.
i just sighed.  ""shall i go back and check?""
"
"at the circus, i frequently queue
for the line that is called bakerloo.
as we zoom through the dark,
i can't help but remark,
""on the map, it's the colour of poo.""
"
"when bird flu began to infect
from human to human direct,
the world was distraught
and we all had this thought:
""this pandemic has got to be checked!""
"
"this sickness is terribly grave,
but my children know how to behave.
as i lie on the ward
i give thanks to the lord
that my kids seem impossibly brave.
"
"a romantic called mel became smitten
with a lovely young lass he called kitten.
but despite her fangs, mel
didn't notice his belle
was a vampire until he was bitten.
"
"the yobs who hang out down my street
knocked my auntie eileen off her feet.
those kids' social behaviour
needed order.  our saviour?
an asbo: it worked out a treat.
"
"if you're tired, after driving for hours,
and you need to recharge all your powers,
why not stop off at bates
(a motel with low rates)?
but beware of the blood in the showers.
"
"it was on our first date that i fed her,
then hurried her homewards to bed her.
had we not been so wild,
she would not be with child.
now her father's insisting i wed her!
"
"though the walls that were covered in red
have been painted pure white now instead,
from that room i must flee
because all i can see
are the pictures of blood in my head.
"
"when i walked round behind the new colt,
a loud bang caused the young horse to bolt.
as i closed the barn door,
i could hear the boss roar,
""don't just stand there! go catch it, you dolt!""
"
"if you're bored with the trouble and strife
of bachelorhood, take a wife.
so, what should you do
if you're left feeling blue
when the cause of your boredom is life?
"
"i recently suffered a scare
and have since been beset by despair.
but that trend's been reversed,
and i'm over the worst:
i'll bounce back from this crisis, i swear.
"
"it's my feet that are causing my blues:
i've got blisters just starting to ooze.
every step makes me flinch
as my toes feel the pinch;
i can't wait to break in these new shoes.
"
"the story of banting and best?
their experiments, made with great zest,
came from people's entreaties
to cure diabetes;
and insulin came from that quest.
"
"in the old-time american west,
if you caught a bad cold in the chest
that was causing you grief,
you would pine for relief
and so abietene's what you'd ingest.
"
"it's where canada's cattlemen toil
and miners check tar sands for oil.
it's where prairies of wheat
and the tall rockies meet.
all are found on alberta's rich soil.
"
"they looked at the fin that was trailing
and observed that the bilge pump was failing.
""it seems that our boat
is now ceasing to float
so we'd best use a pail and start bailing.""
"
"axonometry's used quite a lot
to draw shapes that are tricky to plot,
for it takes 3d matter
and renders it flatter ?
like a steamrollered pussy (mein gott!).
"
"acrotism's a problem to dread,
'cause you rather resemble the dead.
your beat's hard to find
in a flaw of this kind,
and your life likely hangs by a thread.
"
"near charleston, this man was a leech
on all shipping that came within reach.
this pirate most feared
had a black braided beard,
and he went by the name edward teach.
"
"by day he marked time with a scrawl;
by night he abraded the wall.
his primary goal
was to scratch out a hole
and then through it, to freedom, he'd crawl.
"
"absentmindedly's how i write verse,
and distracted, my rhyming gets worse.
i'll start with a line,
and then...
""what the hell was i thinking?"" i wonder.
"
"a cute nurse, on her first aircraft carrier,
laments that a flyer won't marry her.
""explain to me why not!""
she begs of the pilot.
""i'm married,"" he says. ""it's a barrier.""
"
"at lords, the ball raced down the slope
to the boundary; a four was the hope.
that was all we would need
for the team to succeed,
so we cheered as the ball crossed the rope.
"
"in the distance, i heard a loud boom
and knew that it signalled my doom.
it was useless to run
once the end had begun,
so i waited to go to my tomb.
"
"after drinking my fill of cheap booze,
i needed to go for a snooze.
on the way to my bed,
i tripped up, hit my head,
and then vomited over my shoes.
"
"""i tell you it's simply not true.
there's no ghost here; it's just me and you.""
the poor fool is naive,
if he doesn't believe,
so i'll scare him to death with a ""boo!""
"
"when you venture away from your lair,
and you walk through the city, take care.
don't commit any crime
or you'll face doing time,
since big brother is watching you there.
"
"an atrous man's out for a stroll,
with a mood that is darker than coal.
on his face is a threat
and his eyes, black as jet,
are a window right into his soul.
"
"an affable fellow's at ease.
if he talks to you, surely he'll please.
with a friendly appeal,
he will never reveal
that in private he's really a sleaze.
"
"i promise, if i am elected,
your interests will be respected.
lower tax! increased wealth!
safer streets! better health!
(as long as my arse is protected.)
"
"even though i left work after dark,
i decided to walk through the park.
then a blade pierced my side,
left a wound gaping wide,
and i gasped as the pain left its mark.
"
"as i sped ever nearer the edge
of the cliff on my wobbly old sledge,
a large barghest appeared,
whose bad omen i feared,
till my sledge knocked that dog off the ledge.
"
"ronnie barker, comedian, played
an old crook doing porridge in slade
and a stuttering, sex-
obsessed grocer.  his specs
made an image that simply won't fade.
"
"when two lines in 3-d don't connect,
you have one of two terms to select.
are they parallel? no?
so what name to bestow?
they're agonic; they don't intersect.
"
"if you're after a beer that has class,
there is none any finer than bass.
it was registered first,
slaked napoleon's thirst,
and looks great when it's served in a glass.
"
"when my motor was hit by a truck,
i was mad and got into a ruck
with the driver.  i hit
him and shouted, ""you [bleep]!
was your head up your [bleep], you dumb [bleep]?""
"
"when the peasants attacked in revolt,
i loosed, from my crossbow, a bolt,
took their chief in the throat,
but had no time to gloat
as i tried to escape on my colt.
"
"though my parents had told me to perch
on the pew, i ran wild in the church.
i bumped into the priest
as he gave out the feast,
and for that i was lashed with the birch.
"
"i advise that it's best not to cross
the shadowy guy called ""the boss"".
in the space of a breath,
he could order your death,
as he'd view you as nothing but dross.
"
"you'd been missing for nigh on ten years,
and i'd long since accepted my fears.
then a letter from you?
what a bolt from the blue!?
was delivered; my eyes blurred with tears.
"
"there once was a butcher named baker,
who wanted to meet with his maker.
but he feared that his god
would conclude, ""well, that's odd.""
the almighty might think him a faker!
"
"when i woke with a feeling of dread,
i was sitting bolt upright in bed.
i'd been trapped underground?
couldn't breathe?but i found
that the nightmare was all in my head.
"
"ah had me a bashment invite
so ah wen' and de food be a'right.
but de music be great
so ah pahtied real late
cuz mah hom'z tuff ta fin' in de night.
"
"an allergy: alien matter
causes ige, and it's the latter
that causes the swelling
and feeling-unwelling
as mast cells make tissue much fatter.
"
"on the telly, presenter james burke
has a show with a bit of a quirk:
diachronic inventions.
he eagerly mentions
connections between them that lurk.
"
"in the shape of two crowns is this cap
of the state, but beware, there's a trap.
this thing's very curious
because it is spurious:
the ""word"" and its meaning are crap.
"
"darius of persia would wait
for the greek, alexander the great.
but his plans came untracked
when the hellenes attacked?
so arbela had sealed persia's fate.
"
"albuera was held by the brits;
marshal soult has to gather his wits.
he'll distract with a feint
and attack where they ain't.
but a stubborn defence gives him fits.
"
"a defenceman who played as a leaf,
bill barilko's career was quite brief:
shot the puck, lit the lamp
as a stanley cup champ,
but his mission for fishin' caused grief.
"
"parasitic, the cowbird chicks pecked,
with appetites always unchecked.
i pity the starlings
who fed these large darlings:
no food for their brood; it was wrecked.
"
"you suffer from asthma, you say?
beware then of abpa
'cause its fungus may cause
your breathing to pause.
take some steroids to send it away.
"
"on the stream bank the dark alnus grew.
and beside 'twas a taxus debut.
""you'll lose our light fight,""
said the tree of great height,
""for i'll always be alder than yew.""
"
"text abridged i supply:
i'm a summary guy.
?????????
at condensing i'm apt, which is why
i'm ideal as a summary guy.
i abridge lots of text
and you won't be perplexed.
a good abstract is what i supply.
"
"an allopathy treatment expects
to cure through opposing effects.
each symptom's abated
by being negated.
incompatible's how it corrects.
"
"the rodeo bull named bodacious
was muscled and mean and pugnacious.
though many had tried
for the eight second ride,
few outlasted his bucking hellacious.
"
"to travel to work and then home,
i've a cycle that's silver and chrome.
you may say they're the same
(all except for the name),
but it's bichrome's the point of this poem.
"
"you insulted the man with your talkin';
ignorin' his gun, you went walkin'.
so now you've the thrill
of tourin' boot hill
once they've outlined your body by chalkin'.
"
"your computer is certain to crack up
when your work is beginning to stack up.
once you've done the restore,
it'll be like before
(that's assuming, of course, that you back up).
"
"said the doctor while having a peek
at my chronically sickly physique,
""i fear that it's clear,
there's no anesis here.""
but at least he could say it in greek.
"
"many works have been writ by anon
from the modern to ages long gone.
but the name of anonymous
is hiding hieronymus
or sean, or antoine, or yvonne.
"
"the right-hander pitched with a grunt
as i squared with the bat out in front.
i think nothing is funner
than moving a runner
by perfectly placing a bunt.
"
"for her dinner, so mary won't fret
(it's ragout made of lamb), don't forget
to include the white sauce
for a nice bit of gloss,
and make sure that you call it blanquette.
"
"i felt an odd lump with my hand,
so i visited doctor mole?and
he said, ""no need to dwell.
it's an adenose swell.
there's no cancer. it's just a sore gland.""
"
"the corsairs, a piratical host,
often scared christian sailors the most.
from tobruk to morocco,
they were like a scirocco
ranging north from the barbary coast.
"
"this accountant's opinion of mine
states the audit appears to be fine.
it will really be bad
if the numbers don't add
because then i will have to resign.
"
"let me tell you about abadan.
it's a city in southern iran.
there's a lot of crude oil
hidden under its soil
which its citizens pump when they can.
"
"hockey goalies are faithful believers
in armour as they're the receivers
of pucks to the melon,
which stitches mark well on
each mask worn by gerry m. cheevers.
"
"academic admins, for a lark,
alter faculty pay after dark
so professors will quake
at how little they make.
(this description is far off the mark.)
"
"atalaya is sort of a house
built for huntington, anna and spouse,
in a moorish-like style.
they found it worthwhile,
but its strangeness made other folks grouse.
"
"in the deontological slant,
categoric imperatives shan't
accept a condition.
this is the position
of thinker immanuel kant.
"
"in the caring relation we've shared,
i have erred when i haven't declared
that i love only you,
and it just wasn't true
when i aired that i couldn't have cared.
"
"in this serial book, the plot thickens
with each chapter, as bloodletting quickens.
on that tragic last day,
carton dies for darnay
in a tale of two cities by dickens.
"
"said a bettor i met while in reno,
""it's a lock. you will beat the casino.""
this shill's an abettor
to make me a debtor.
i've a better bet betting on keno.
"
"he explored and he drew back the curtain
on regions unknown or uncertain,
on peoples exotic,
on customs erotic:
the captain sir richard f. burton.
"
"the sloth rates revenge very high
and his justice is rough, which is why
for a sloth on vendetta
(with  knife or beretta),
the code is: ""an ai for an ai.""
"
"while welding, i said to him, ""mark, i
am scared for your safety. that spark i
employ is too bright.
wear a mask or you might
suffer corneal flash burns (or arc eye).""
"
"to which genus do goshawks belong?
saying levi's would clearly be wrong.
but if you would state
""it's accipiter, mate,""
then your knowledge of hawks is quite strong.
"
"a warrior-priest of great fame
was absalon, danes may proclaim.
he beat up the wends
and their pirate-fleet friends.
an archbishop he later became.
"
"the baby lets out a big cry
when the milk from his mama runs dry.
it's a clear diagnosis
of agalactosis;
a bottle's the cure, i reply.
"
"each ant lion digs its own pit,
at the bottom of which it will sit.
when an ant comes along,
takes a step that is wrong,
then it's gobbled up, lickety-split.
"
"the storm showered rain and winds blew
forty days and nights ere it was through.
noah's ark came to rest
upon ararat's crest,
and then noah unloaded his zoo.
"
"its battle with england had failed.
the armada lost heart and then sailed
round the north of great britain,
where sorely 'twas smitten
by sinkings as storm winds prevailed.
"
"un un stress un un stress un un stress,
un un stress un un stress, un un stress.
un abstraction un stress,
un un stress un un stress?
un un stress un un stress un un stress.
"
"i find all this adware a pest.
all the adverts in programs suggest
that i'm no good in bed
or in debt o'er my head,
and i'd fail an intelligence test.
"
"just north from the pole lies a latitude:
the antarctic circle's got attitude.
it's too cold for me
(and i never could ski),
so that's why i'll give it this platitude.
"
"apportionable means, if i may,
we can divvy stuff up right away.
so for now, let me see...
one for you, two for me.
that'll work out just fine. what'cha say?
"
"if you're checking the teeth of your camel,
and you find that they're missing enamel,
just purchase a set
of false teeth, and i'll bet
that he'll spit just to spite his fake amel.
"
"the receivable side of accounts
expects money in varied amounts?
by a check, cash, or charge.
when a balance is large,
some may even take gold by the ounce.
"
"""it's a hit!"" thus proclaimed the acclaimer,
though the other reviewers were tamer.
the movie itself
should have stayed on the shelf.
i don't think i've seen films any lamer.
"
"ambisinistrous, loosely defined,
means your hands just refuse to pay mind.
you are clumsy at best,
and your makeup is messed;
even typingt putts yuo ina bnid.
"
"i've now archived my comic books, thus
just to read one's a bit of a muss.
they're stored in a box
that's secured with four locks.
i'm not sure if it's worth all the fuss.
"
"an air dam is like a big scoop
that's placed underneath your old coupe.
it reroutes the air's flow?
cools the engine, you know,
and prevents you from flipping a loop.
"
"one weekend, my poor wife and i
sought a house to affordably buy.
a mcmansion was nice,
but its very steep price?
it was twice what i'd say was too high!
"
"the altimetry gauge in my suit
helps me measure, so none can refute,
just how high in the sky,
although falling, am i.
it's a shame i've forgotten my chute.
"
"the young diva awoke with a start?
the rushed drunken wedding? not smart.
after lifestyle change mulling
she went marriage annulling.
now she sings about love ""from the heart.""
"
"my wife's pregnancy? hardly a dream,
as her cravings just caused me to steam.
i about swore to god,
for her appetency odd
had me searching for pickle ice cream.
"
"from the ruins of jericho's fall,
greedy achan stole goods in a thrall.
he hid in his tent,
but then joshua sent
men to find him; they stoned him. that's all.
"
"i admit people think that i'm vain,
for alopecy broke my disdain
of taking a pill,
so now rogainetm might still
be a cure to re-cover my brain.
"
"the artilleryman called his command.
""the shelling's proceeding as planned.""
""no it ain't,"" was replied.
""'cause we all nearly died,
for you're targeting right where i stand!""
"
"while i know that my cooking is rotten,
i believe that the past is forgotten.
with breadcrumbs and cheese,
thusly broiled (if you please),
i've invented tripe truffle au gratin.
"
"a man with severe adiposis
inquired, ""can you tell where my toes is?
i'm rather rotund,
not to say moribund,
and my vessels are thick with sclerosis.""
"
"i'm rechecking some books that i've read
to determine what they might have said
on the future, and such.
i don't think on it much,
but my mom always said, ""plan ahead.""
"
"""the german left flank i'll harass
with the troops at arras i'll amass.""
joffre triggered a race
and the germans kept pace.
the result was a bloody impasse.
"
"in the nine o'clock news he was not,
and as blackadder always he'd plot.
now he's famously seen
as the simpleton bean:
rowan atkinson's comedy lot.
"
"the argonauts rowed jason's boat.
the aegean is where they did float
as they sought the gold fleece,
which was famed throughout greece
'cause it made for a premium coat.
"
"the rowing club changed in this way:
in the off-season, football they'd play,
'cause for many a sculler
the autumn was duller?
the argonauts, back in the day.
"
"abimelech's three kings or four.
(it's hard to be sure. maybe more.)
one more biblical name
of no noteworthy fame.
and rhyming them all? quite a chore!
"
"if you follow the words of the psalms
and set silver in supplicant palms
of the poor and the needy
(but not of the greedy),
this action is called giving alms.
"
"the adhesive refused to adhere.
it wasn't too sticky, 'twas clear,
but the chap at 3m
who had failed at this chem
with post-it notes saved his career.
"
"they crossed the north sea and laid claim
to the land that would then bear their name.
these invaders germanic
caused discord and panic:
the angles of olde england fame.
"
"the american states wanted war;
of this general brock was quite sure.
their slow pace he'd exploit
to thus capture detroit
(and a place in canadian lore).
"
"in new brunswick, because of the tide,
this old draining technique was applied.
the aboiteau's use
was to drain via sluice,
and the sea, by its gate, was denied.
"
"no strakes overlap on my boat,
but between them there's pitch, so she'll float.
my life won't be dull
in my carvel-built hull
when i sail off to islands remote.
"
"a bishop named arius taught:
from the father the son was begot;
so the son's not eternal?
a view so infernal
the empire convulsed at the thought.
"
"the aardvark's an odd-looking beast,
so the name is quite fitting at least.
it searches around
for where insects abound
to get termites and ants for its feast.
"
"willie helps us with petro supplies
by selling to truck-driving guys
biodiesel from farms,
and one of its ""charms"":
the exhaust has the fragrance of fries.
"
"there's hair on the chair where i've sat
and i'm sure that there's fur on my hat.
so i'm making a beeline
for my black and white feline
'cause i know that the culprit's my cat.
"
"""bear a hand,"" cried the mate.  ""over here!""
so i took off a glove with good cheer.
now i'm chained in the brig
in a cell not that big;
so i misunderstood, t'would appear.
"
"his braillewriter's script is the pits.
its embosser is now on the fritz.
instead of neat pimples,
it forms ragged dimples?
it's driving him out of his wits.
"
"how far has the bird flu now spread?
""it's a cough that confines them to bed,""
says the vatican doc
as he cares for his flock
of ill cardinals (men dressed in red).
"
"amadeus, the count of savoy,
was renowned for the guise he'd employ.
he would always be seen
wearing garments of green.
'twas a colour he seemed to enjoy.
"
"a colloquial usage for brought
is a word i will use when i've got
little need to be formal.
for me, it is normal
to use the word brung. i should not.
"
"i have a small chance now to gloat.
no barnacles cling to my boat.
a big secret it ain't:
antifouling in paint
keeps those suckers off, coat after coat.
"
"in turkey, an agha decreed,
""i have made a new law you must heed:
when the dervishes whirl,
they make my head swirl,
and so now they must spin with less speed.""
"
"if you're wanting to sculpt or to paint
an anthemion, not seeming quaint,
use the proper technique.
make it floral and chic,
because if it isn't, it ain't.
"
"when the arabs of old went to fight
and conquered a land with their might,
their enemies' speech
often changed from this breach.
they arabicized, easing their plight.
"
"when my speech was entirely attended
by silence, i knew i'd offended.
when you speak at a funeral,
an offer (remuneral)
to the widow is not recommended.
"
"for my lunch, i have roast beef au jus,
though the meat isn't easy to chew.
there should be no excuse,
since it's dipped in its juice,
but i feel like i'm eating my shoe.
"
"steroids of type anabolic
cause athletes who take them to frolic
on the fields of their game.
but it isn't the same;
what was joy has become melancholic.
"
"when your robot has motion bionic,
if it moves to the grooves that are sonic,
then it has a nice name
(a bit long, all the same).
it's called audio-animatronic.
"
"air conditioning?simply ac?
inside all texans' cars needs to be.
the air chills! it feels nice;
you don't have to think twice
to engage when the temp's one-oh-three.
"
"in the southwestern part of ukraine
stood a town once called akkerman, plain.
but now, it's embossed, see?
bilhorod-dnistrovskyy
was renamed just to keep the slavs sane.
"
"i really can't say that i frown
on shipping my child across town
to some other kids' school,
'cause diversity's cool.
antibusing i ain't, linda brown.
"
"antiblack is a mean thing to be.
it sounds truly hateful, you see,
to deride someone's race.
why not alter your place,
and become anti-hate? works for me!
"
"the mythical daughter of leto
and twin of apollo, she's neato.
this artemis hunts.
she's a virgin (no stunts!)
so think twice before kissing her feet-o.
"
"the japanese town of ako
had a noted historical show:
some samurai drew
their revenge, and then slew
themselves in a tale of much woe.
"
"my friend, the pinch diplomat marge,
an ambassador- (so-called) at-large,
would travel as needed,
where crises preceded,
by airplane, or rickshaw, or barge.
"
"i vacationed in france, took a tram
to the dam in albi, and i swam
in the scenic tarn river.
it made my heart quiver
to say with straight face, ""albi dam!""
"
"anarchism's simply explained,
but to many, the term has been stained.
so for those who'd rebel,
here's the meaning i'd tell:
interactions should not be constrained.
"
"out shearing his sheep was mccorning
when a migraine just struck without warning.
his doc said, ""good grief,
you could use some relief.
take some aspirins. you'll shear up by morning.""
"
"i've been meaning to ask you for days
'bout your newly alchemical ways.
turning lead into gold
and transmuting foretold?
as the rent's due, make sure that it pays.
"
"in radians per second we find
the velocity (angular kind)
of an object that moves
in some circular grooves.
my head's spinning?how fast is my mind?
"
"the anomie our country faces
brings pundits exclaiming disgraces.
they say we've declined
from all morals refined,
and there's really no hope of ""re-stasis"".
"
"as a delegate termed apostolic,
you're a diplomat (largely symbolic)
from the vatican. there's
more to deal with than prayers;
what they need is a real workaholic.
"
"an acid that's called anthranilic
is in dyes, drugs, and odors idyllic.
it works in the middle
(by itself does squat-diddle),
and its formula looks like cyrillic.
"
"on the midway, you're eager to ride,
but the carny is rude?even snide.
flash your old annie oakley.
he'll then say, ""okely dokely,
your admission is free. step inside.""
"
"while out shopping, i wanted to chaffer
with a merchant whose price was a laugher.
""you're killing me now!
this cell phone? three thou?""
but it fell on deaf ears of the staffer.
"
"""of the court"" (latin curiae), geeky
top experts are ""friends"" (or amici).
when called to advise,
they give comments most wise.
the extent of their knowledge is freaky.
"
"my version (american standard)
of the bible, some say, has meandered.
there's no thine, thou, or thee.
but it works great for me
just as long as the message ain't slandered.
"
"there's a battle where tension is rife
over what to call those who choose life.
antiabortion's a term
that makes some people squirm.
antichoice just increases the strife.
"
"the term arbitrable means you can settle
a matter without courtroom mettle.
you meet and decide
to be peaceful, not snide.
no black-calling pot (to a kettle).
"
"in a catholic archdiocese
the archbishop controls all he sees,
but if ever his church
should be left in the lurch,
it will drive the poor man to his knees.
"
"i just had an anti-roll bar
installed on my truck and, so far,
it hasn't been swaying
(i'm on track and staying);
stability's now above par.
"
"if your flowers turn blue from bright red
from a leavening mess that you dread,
oh, please stop your cryin'.
it's just anthocyan ?
a pigment. now go back to bed.
"
"ameboid describes when a fella
is amoeba-like: has some flagella
or comprises one cell
(is a protist as well),
but his color is not always yella.
"
"when you're up (in a war of aggression)
on a cliff for a bomb-tossing session,
and your target's below,
it's most useful to know
the angle, that is, of depression.
"
"my cattle dog, fully australian,
herds dogies plus others mammalian.
new warnings i've heeded:
a green card is needed
so he won't be illegal, just alien.
"
"the day that is called april fools'
causes some to become unkind tools.
their practical gags
are sometimes such drags,
for on april the first, there's no rules.
"
"now i understand units of weight
that apothecaries think are just great.
dram and scruple (plus grain)
will not drive me insane,
and will help me weigh pills for my mate.
"
"i agonized over my choice.
if it's paper, recyclers rejoice.
but what about plastic?
the clerk thought me spastic.
i couldn't put thoughts to my voice.
"
"a hero not liked can be anti,
such as if he burns down a small shanty
before saving the world
from some danger unfurled.
support for his deeds is quite scanty.
"
"i'm synonymous now with defeat,
since a ski jump i failed to complete
caused my fall down a hill,
and that televised spill
means my agony still will repeat.
"
"a pilot should never lose track
of the angle, they say, of attack,
where the airflow meets wings;
do it right, the plane sings.
but if not? hope you're buckled in, jack.
"
"a wry anthropologist's squawkin',
and america (south) he is talkin':
amerindians like
to stay off of a bike.
i guess it's 'cause they arawakan.
"
"my arbitrament is, i presume,
the right judgment for all in the room.
both parties agree:
'stead of court, they choose me
to decide which witch rides on the broom.
"
"if you think that the bible is king,
and adults should be blessed in a spring,
and you must separate
the church and the state,
anabaptism may be your thing.
"
"the mines labeled antipersonnel
a great many soldiers can fell,
so watch where you step.
protect, please, our rep,
plus our heads and our bodies as well.
"
"between man and ptah stands a bull.
its belly is hopefully full
of food that's egyptian
for worship decryption,
so prayers to this apis have pull.
"
"at the peak of some job aggravation,
i refused to reschedule vacation.
said my boss, ""what the hey?
what's your arri?re-pens?e?
are you planning on fleeing the nation?""
"
"one day when i called up old lester,
he told me, ""shut up and don't pester!
these fatigues i've designed
have some leisure in mind.
they're not chino but plaid polyester.""
"
"there once was a four-person game
called bridge, with an auction in name.
it's now quite pass?;
contract bridge is the way.
after bids, both the games are the same.
"
"for a week now i've sniffled and snuffed,
and my head's filled with all kinds of cruft.
now my sinuses hurt.
i'm on fever alert
for, catarrhally speaking, i'm stuffed.
"
"in the anno hegirae's beginning,
the prophet thought people were sinning.
he from mecca set forth
to medina up north
to continue his message most winning.
"
"in the case of the grape, bird's-eye rot's
a disease that won't please you whole lots.
called anthracnose, it grows,
kills the plant when it shows,
making farmers look closely for spots.
"
"the archaist got up to dress.
in his closet, he found quite a mess:
bell-bottoms that flare,
all clothes i'd judge square.
but they're ""retro"" and hip now, i guess.
"
"a garter for arms helps relieve
you from tugging your unrolling sleeve.
these armlets are cute,
and they sell well, to boot:
make them gifts on the next christmas eve.
"
"when two moldings should happen to meet
at an angle that's sharp and discrete,
an arris appears.
but not, to my ears,
richard 'arris's 'orrible feat.
"
"if your blood has a lack of o2,
anoxemia's gotten to you.
better strap on a mask,
but to me, please don't ask
why your blood has that nice shade of blue.
"
"for an artist, i'm guessing it's hard
to remain on the edge: avant-garde,
since your art must be new,
something fresh, something true,
like a crucifix smothered in lard.
"
"one concept has left me aghast:
when two statements, both valid, contrast.
it is not mental bliss,
this antinomy, miss,
to accept it as logic at last.
"
"sopranos?they always sing higher
than altos, when placed in a choir.
but nevertheless,
they're all nicely dressed
when wearing their formal attire.
"
"there's a student i knew from parnassus
who had trouble equating his gases.
he had to fine tune it
with the amagat unit
and now passes gases in classes.
"
"when some bars make martinis, i've heard,
cocktail shakers aren't used?that's absurd!
for a person enjoys
that nice clattering noise
when a drink's being shaken, not stirred.
"
"you can call me a tomboy, but gee,
what i think when i look at a tree
is, ""how high can i go?""
so the first thing to know:
is it climbable?  let's go and see.
"
"how pretentious a person i am,
eating gammon while others have ham.
for my breakfast, i boast,
i will spread on my toast
only confiture, never just jam.
"
"with a voice that could make pulses quicken,
plump luisa inspired the chicken
tetrazzini main dish,
with a sauce we might wish
were less likely our waistlines to thicken.
"
"telemarketers boldly accost
us at dinner, the salad just tossed.
they don't know us at all
when they make a cold call.
any wonder they're greeted with frost?
"
"for italian cuisine i've a yen;
serve me chicken cacciatore again.
chop tomatoes, then stew
with some mushrooms, and you
can add either a cock or a hen.
"
"here's the chicken marengo short story:
once a cook with a small inventory
made a dish after battle.
said napoleon, ""that'll
be the recipe marking my glory.""
"
"i awake next to big brother bill,
and i ask myself, stunned, ""did i kill
my own sibling?""?then sigh.
how i wish he would lie
less cadaverously clammy and still.
"
"hear the clarion call, loud and shrill.
it's medieval, this trumpet that still
gives a signal or warns.
(metaphorical horns
don't require much musical skill.)
"
"i am hopelessly klutzy on skis,
sure to injure my wrists or my knees.
i'd be willing to go
on the bunny slope though,
if it's virtually flat with no trees.
"
"like a nuclear wolf, i am glowing,
or perhaps there's a deer in me growing.
it's fauna, not flora,
controlling my aura.
my animal spirit is showing.
"
"i reached out to my right, grabbed a hand
when the dance caller yelled, ""allemande!""
but the caller said, ""no!
link your arms just like so.
please try it once more, understand?""
"
"i have on my workbench a mat
with a term on its back: antistat.
i wanted to be
electricity-free,
so i rubbed it all over my cat.
"
"if you have a phrase that is cute,
like calling a car trunk a boot,
or a tv the telly,
or you call jell-o jelly,
anglicism's your formal pursuit.
"
"a business achieves augmentation
engaging in amalgamation.
it's merging, you see.
like when x, y, and z
join to form xyz corporation.
"
"here's a story of twins. it is said
that they dressed like a horse to earn bread.
when they had to decide
on their roles, one replied
without thought, ""i'm an ass; you're ahead.""
"
"buildings burn, so we're all in a plight.
fireproof lining would make it all right,
but asbestos is bad,
so what else can be had?
from south africa comes amosite.
"
"when a botanist looks at a mold
and sees discus-like cups in the fold
of its flesh (bearing spores),
he compares them to stores:
apothecia? truly! he's sold.
"
"affidavits like these might bring luck,
but sadly, i think that you're stuck.
all these statements forsworn
brought to me on this morn
are endorsed with the name ""donald duck.""
"
"if a bug (like an aphid or bee)
lives upon or in flowers, you see,
the taxonomy game
must give it a name:
anthophilous fits to a t.
"
"university budgets decline.
academic departments like mine
hire grad student teachers
as cost-cutting features,
but i'm tenured, so everything's fine.
"
"shy and hornless, the chevrotain strives
to lead one of those cud-chewing lives.
let the rainforests be,
don't have bushmeat for tea,
and we'll hope that this ""mouse deer"" survives.
"
"""put your grapes in the calathus, son,""
said an ancient greek mother.  ""it's one
of those baskets you see
that is shaped like a vee.
toting fruit on your head can be fun.""
"
"they are cropped pants to some, or capris,
with your ankles exposed to the breeze.
but i think it's a shame
that their colorful name
isn't used.  call them clamdiggers, please.
"
"i'm a rat in a trap, but alive.
a big flash: i'm a coachman!  and i've
got a pumpkin on wheels
and a footman who squeals.
says this wand-wielding dame, ""can you drive?""
"
"i assumed when you gave me this ring,
it was not some cheap, tinselly thing.
since it's just a chaton,
take your hat and begone.
i expected real bling from this fling.
"
"my old bathtub, a clawfoot, is deep,
an antique that i opted to keep.
i'm a nut for details,
so i painted the nails,
but my grandmother thinks it looks cheap.
"
"suitcase packed and the door hinges soaped;
tyrant father asleep, as she'd hoped.
just at midnight, her beau
brought the carriage, and so
she clandestinely fled and eloped.
"
"take caernarvon?just chockful of tales.
it's a town and a castle in wales.
somewhere here on this ground
was the prince of wales crowned.
it's a spot where they send royal males.
"
"at the pub, i embarked on a quest:
just what makes a best bitter the best?
and i learned?what the devil??
it's the alcohol level.
no one cares how the taste is assessed.
"
"you wish to become cancer-free
through radiotherapy? see,
your marrow will die
unless you pre-supply.
you should ask for an abmt.
"
"a vintner from piedmont named polo
had plenty of grapes called nebbiolo.
he let them ferment
into wine heaven-sent
and then labeled the bottles ""barolo"".
"
"there was a young woman of gloucester
who cherished bananas of foster.
this fruit served flamb?
was the height of her day,
but the flames hid a plantain imposter.
"
"the white skin, it was surely a clue.
the pink eyes were another one too.
i said, ""listen, ol' rhino.
i know you're albino.""
then he paled to a luminous hue.
"
"to my wife, as she kindly attended,
i said, ""dear, my damned ass pain's not ended.""
so she called dr. page,
who declared, ""it's 'roid rage?
anal-gesic is what's recommended.""
"
"in the kitchen, the cook called when corey
demolished the veal cacciatore:
""there's no need to quake.
i forgive this mistake.""
(it's a cooked-up absolvatory story.)
"
"a wandering woman named sally
grew tired and decided to dally
in a popular spot
where it's sunny and hot:
the tropical island of bali.
"
"algonquin's a large northern park,
and the change from the city is stark.
there are plenty of moose,
bear, and deer on the loose,
making risky a drive in the dark.
"
"a bmx racer named worm
had a smashup that made viewers squirm.
he had turned not at all,
so he hit the earth wall.
he's infirm 'cause the berm was too firm.
"
"alexandria, beacon of learning,
had books for which scholars are yearning.
no volumes survived,
'cause the romans arrived
and started the library burning.
"
"the arpents to the south of paree
are my winery's site, can't you see?
near an acre in measure,
each parcel's a treasure.
the land fits the grapes. oh mais oui!
"
"when you start with the jewish name hannah
and take it to latin, it's anna.
then make it a pet
name in french: there's annette.
can we change it once more? no, we canna.
"
"as a teen, my surroundings were swell,
for i lived right next door to adele.
i gazed many days
on her naturist ways.
when she sunbathed, 'twas au naturel.
"
"the empowered politico might
remain squarely aligned with the right.
for pundits who choose
archconservative views,
on the left there is naught but a blight.
"
"to arpeggiate chords is to play
a note at a time all the way.
so it's just do - mi - so
or perhaps so - mi - do,
but not all together, ok?
"
"i find it quite mirthful to say
the french word for after, apr?s.
it goes well with -ski,
at least so for me,
when the english is just too blas?.
"
"my payments to mercantile sears
are at present in awful arrears.
i can't pay the debt
all at once; now i get
pleasant calls from the men who box ears.
"
"annun- is combined with -ciation:
an angel-to-human oration.
""oh, sweet mary mine,
your baby's divine.
tell joseph to curb his frustration.""
"
"the cleric progressed down the aisle,
aspergillum processing in style.
holy water's mark missed.
now i'm clenching my fist
'cause that guy musta mist by a mile.
"
"an antiballistic-type missile
turns warheads to metal-filled gristle.
locking on, it will fly,
hit the target on high
to dispose of a warhead that's fissile.
"
"asymmetrical balance in art
means the sides are uneven; one part
has more visual weight.
the results, though, are great
if, aesthetically speaking, you're smart.
"
"i was never much good at ballet,
but i loved the step known as chass?,
for that quick, gliding leap
(though i looked like a sheep)
was more fun than my frog-like pli?.
"
"want an instrument subtle and quiet?
the historical clavichord?try it!
play this keyboard and find
that your neighbors won't mind.
(not for ears on an amplified diet.)
"
"leave your parcel and coat when you dine
here with me in the checkroom?it's fine.
use this chit to reclaim
what you left.  (and don't blame
me for wishing your mink coat were mine.)
"
"we can pleasantly talk by the fire,
burning chatwood before we retire.
these small pieces of wood
(sticks and twigs are quite good)
make a glow, not a great blazing pyre.
"
"thousands live at the edge of the city
in a big barriada?not pretty,
but colorful, say,
in its shantytown way.
give them well-paying jobs, not your pity.
"
"if your garden is now lying fallow,
you could put in althea, a mallow?
rose of sharon, some claim
(others say that the name
means a hollyhock).  don't plant it shallow.
"
"why, you dirty, hornswoggling galoot!
this land's mine, clear from here to the butte.
any claim jumper tries
to say otherwise lies.
thieving varmint!  vamoose or i'll shoot.
"
"if you like a strong rhythmical backing,
play the claves: two wooden rods thwacking
in a musical beat
that inspires the feet.
you may soon find some cliques for your clacking.
"
"closing credits are endless these days.
the film's over, and nobody stays
to read lists they've compiled
of each man, woman, child,
and trained zebra the studio pays.
"
"how i love each diminutive link
in this chainlet i'm wearing.  i think
it's so precious and dear
(nothing fetter-like here)
and too delicate ever to clink.
"
"i love clothespins, so useful yet plain,
made of hardwood and crafted in maine.
they hold wash on the line
when the weather is fine.
(if i'm careless, at times too in rain.)
"
"it's a dance; it's a musical fight?
acrobatic, with kicks of great height.
capoeira's the name
of this martial arts game,
a true afro-brazilian delight.
"
"well, your honor, i guess i'm a sap.
they said robbing a bank was a snap.
i was driving the car,
but we didn't get far?
now i face this accompliceship rap.
"
"""quite a clambake,"" i said to a gent
at the glamorous black-tie event.
""i'm so glad not to miss
a big shindig like this.
and just think of the clams they have spent.""
"
"vivisectionists try to sound breezy
when they say callisection is easy.
that's the kind where they use
anesthetics.  they choose
to or not.  just the thought makes me queasy.
"
"with a history book on my knee,
when my wife asked me, ""coffee or tea?""
i could see, in my mind,
tethered slaves, all aligned,
and i thought she said, ""coffle or free?""
"
"write your verse with deliberate slowness.
clever rhymes bring rewards, but the onus
is great.  let each draft
show your love of the craft.
don't expect an acceptance-type bonus.
"
"what a curious fashion!  a blot,
when applied in the most artful spot,
is flirtatious.  don't shun
eighteenth-century fun.
beauty marks?moles or patches?are hot.
"
"on the bus in the rush hour press?
not much room, and i can't take up less?
i am sandwiched in tight,
thigh to thigh, left and right.
this is chumminess under duress.
"
"on the stairs came a slow, heavy tread.
""there's no room in the clothespress,"" she said.
""all our garments are there,
every item we wear.""
so her lover hid under the bed.
"
"though the shock from your doorbell was slight,
leaping boys who yell ""boo!"" are a fright.
your next trick left me drenched,
so, through teeth that are clenched,
i say, ""thanks, but i won't stay the night.""
"
"""how i carried that torch,"" troilus cried.
""but my flame, at her faithlessness, died.
when those lamps that burn grease
contain nothing, they cease.
ah! my cresset is oil-less,"" he sighed.
"
"in my garden so sunny and loamy
grows a clump of tall, pinkish cleome.
""spider flower,"" some say,
and i'll do just as they,
since this annual's name seems to throw me.
"
"they were warring to gain his affection,
so to each he gave one little section.
but the man has no smarts;
you can't balkanize hearts
like some world war i border correction.
"
"when red seaweed, licentious and free,
becomes fertilized there in the sea,
reproductive spores scoot
from its cystocarp (fruit).
so more agar for you and for me.
"
"asian bubble tea?sweet, cold or hot?
must be seen, so not served in a pot.
the ""black pearls"" bob and sink
(disconcerting to drink),
tapioca in each darling dot.
"
"from my cupola's windows up high,
i can look at the world passing by.
it's a quaint (though quite hot)
architectural spot,
and it's where all the flies go to die.
"
"just the size of a freckle, but (ick!)
no one likes his blood sucked by a tick.
and the deer tick, we find,
can be doubly unkind
if its lyme disease germs make you sick.
"
"did king richard the third have a hump?
(""richard crookback,"" they said.)  did he bump
off his nephews?  (the fiend!)
while the jury convened,
shakespeare made him a villain, poor chump.
"
"must a concert piano be black?
why not red with a sparkly shellac?
boring ebonized grands
don't inspire my hands.
it's the color that's holding me back.
"
"my dundrearies have fallen from fame,
like the lord who inspired their name
in a play long ago.
but how jolly to grow
silly sideburns and know who's to blame.
"
"the great lewis and clark expedition
noted flowers as part of its mission.
evening primrose became
genus clarkia:  fame,
but, in modern days, scant recognition.
"
"fervent linguists may fully expound
on the fine dentilabial sound.
lips and teeth are the key
to the ""ef"" sound or ""vee.""
how fulfilling are phonics, we've found!
"
"nimble sailors who grip with their toes
climb the rigging as high as it goes.
at the crosstree they pause
for the view ? and because
the sea breezes might air out their clothes.
"
"christmas night, bound for trenton, they crossed
the cold delaware river, wind-tossed.
but the hessians (all drunk)
were the ones who were sunk,
as george washington proved to their cost.
"
"when our band is engaged for a gig,
the musicians' fee isn't that big.
but the gear for our crew
means a drayage charge, too?
though we don't have a dray in our rig.
"
"at the play, through an audio mask,
the describer gets on with the task.
for the blind who attend,
it's like having a friend
who explains things before you can ask.
"
"what the mormons desired was land
(never mind that a lot was just sand)
where they'd live their own lives
with their multiple wives.
deseret was the state they had planned.
"
"mrs. smith saves all art from her child.
under ""f,"" finger-painting is filed.
she notes provenance, date,
and young tim's age and weight?
curatorial urges gone wild!
"
"""don't take work in the colliery, lad.
it was lung disease killed off your dad.""
then the scene shifts; the shot
shows him coal-grimed and hot,
and the miner-key music is sad.
"
"triple-twisted for strength when you haul,
a small cable a cablet we call
if circumference?guess!?
is ten inches or less
(not pronounced like a taxi that's small).
"
"world war ii saw a new code debut
only navajo codetalkers knew.
in a bold master-stroke,
their own language they spoke,
and the japanese hadn't a clue.
"
"when you're served a whole lobster, the meat
is a challenge to locate and eat.
yes, the tail's a sure bet,
but you must not forget
that the chelae (the claws) are a treat.
"
"mabel's lipstick?a wicked cerise?
drove the fellows bananas.  no peace.
but her dad says she's through
with that cherry-red hue
or he'll summon the local police.
"
"where we waltz there's a cambered wood floor;
that slight arch gives a spring we adore.
you can tell when you dance?
with your feet, not your glance.
aging ankles and knees don't get sore.
"
"a calanthe i put in my hair.
that's a genus of orchid, not rare.
yellow, rosy, or white,
it's a beautiful sight,
but he still didn't notice me there.
"
"cheddar pink is a flower, so please
don't assume it's some mold on your cheese.
and because of its name,
this dianthus can claim
to be gorgeous (to punsters and bees).
"
"the cheval glass, a mirror that tilts,
shows your outfit full length.  not just kilts,
but glengarry to gillies.
or just you in your frillies.
but you're asking too much if on stilts.
"
"wrap the sari with care, moving slowly.
then the free end drapes over the choli?
that's the blouse that you wear?
so your midriff is bare,
whether willowy or roly-poly.
"
"i get two weeks vacation each year,
and for all fourteen days i've been here
it's been rainy and cold
(just a fluke, i've been told).
is my reason for crankiness clear?
"
"formal knowledge?a subject that's fraught
with tradition.  one has to be taught
how to tie a bow tie
and that cummerbunds lie
with the pleats placed so crumbs will be caught.
"
"as a woman, i think it is sweet
to be kind to all people i meet.
in the loo, if i know
that a man's next to go,
i considerately lift up the seat.
"
"he's a cracksman well known in this town.
""selling drugs?"" queried i with a frown.
""or perhaps a crack shot?
or his joke-telling's hot?""
no, his safe-cracking's brought him renown.
"
"for a farmer, a crop-dusting plane
can spread pesticide over the grain.
but you should be distressed
(as in north by northwest)
if the pilot's in cropless terrain.
"
"if i call you a bruiser, just shrug,
for it's not that you throttle or slug.
it's a comment on size
used for heavyset guys?
it's your form, not your function, you lug.
"
"if unfair symbiosis you'd see,
take a tree-nesting egret or three.
it is outright amensalism?
not just paper-and-pencilism?
when the excrement kills off the tree.
"
"with a face that is pudgy and sweet,
he's a boyfriend my folks loved to meet.
with a baby-faced guy,
they don't think to ask why
the police are patrolling his street.
"
"in the african country of chad,
rebels claim that the president's bad.
he's mismanaged the dough
that he promised would go
to the chadian people.  the cad.
"
"the term chainwork has nothing to do
with a chain gang, a prisoner crew.
but we could hand the group
an embroidery hoop
and explain how the stitches loop through.
"
"that poor peasant girl truly is sweet,
in her dress of debeige, plain and neat.
her serged wool (and undyed)
holds more value inside
than the gowns of the silken elite.
"
"yes, we used to be joined at the hip,
but our romance in time lost its grip.
as a couple, we flunked.
now our lives are disjunct,
and today he just gives me the pip.
"
"from the factory effluence flows.
to the creek the contaminant goes
as its poison it spreads.
look, a frog with two heads!
and the stream iridescently glows.
"
"dopey samson fell into her trap,
blabbed his secret, and then took a nap.
she had learned that his strength
came from hair of some length,
so a crew  cut enfeebled the sap.
"
"said one preggers in far pottawattamie,
""make those cuts in my area bottomy
when my baby is born,
so i'm sliced and not torn.
i say, yep, do that episiotomy.""
"
"if you're homeless, one trick to surviving
is to scavenge your food, dumpster diving.
be cautious and clever;
you'll eat well.  but never
be in one with trash trucks arriving.
"
"if of damp, moldy basements you tire,
i know just what you ought to acquire.
your electric bills soar,
but there's mildew no more:
dehumidifiers make your rooms drier.
"
"in the forest, uneasy, i stood.
am i being observed?  that's not good.
then i see, on a stalk,
many doll's eyes.  i squawk!
it's the creepiest plant in the wood.
"
"take some dong quai by capsule or ounce.
this medicinal root has what counts.
its relief it supplies
phytoestrogen-wise,
so ingest what you cannot pronounce.
"
"lady ann's trip to venice was quiet
till carnival.  masking to try it,
she (disguised in a cloak
called a domino) broke
all decorum's decrees.  what a riot!
"
"aeroponic means ""grown in the air,""
not in earth or in water.  it's rare,
but some orchids exist
thriving solely on mist
(though i've killed off a few with such care).
"
"yes, a black shirt is stylish and cool,
but a blackshirt's a fascist, a tool
of that lout mussolini
(if you've but a teeny
remembrance of history from school).
"
"join a book club; it's good for the mind,
but the body is not left behind,
for discussions go best
when there's more to digest
than just words?and there's wine of some kind.
"
"her upholstery fabric's not rare,
but she's fussily proud; so to spare
the bright, flowered cretonne
that her guests might sit on,
plastic sheets cover up every chair.
"
"early summer, the cottonwood trees
spread their fluff-mantled seeds on the breeze.
and these puffballs of white
are a curious sight:
drifting snow when it's eighty degrees?
"
"if your marlboros cause you to choke,
try the pepper-like cubeb to smoke.
nicer smell than cigars,
and the author of tarz-
an smoked cigs from this berry.  no joke.
"
"i despise megalithic-themed tours
to each cromlech in wales that endures.
one more circle of stone
or a dolmen alone,
and the burial mound will be yours.
"
"we will cook that french sea captain's goose.
load the culverin, boys, and let loose.
what a shame that this gun
by 1691
(more or less) will be hardly in use.
"
"gee, this boiler suit sure is a beaut,
with no waistband to snag when i scoot
through some coal-fired boiler
as cleaner and oiler.
give me coveralls, streamlined and cute!
"
"when the end of your sock starts to go,
stick this ovoid device in the toe.
save your pennies and stitch.
though it won't make you rich,
darning eggs help those nest eggs to grow.
"
"fanny brice, lucille ball, and bea lillie
were so funny, we laughed willy-nilly?
each a fine comedienne
who again and again
showed how smart it can be to be silly.
"
"on that horse i can just barely straddle
they've installed a consarned english saddle.
there's no horn there to grip;
it's so flat that i slip.
tell that nag ? without me ? to skedaddle.
"
"elmer fudd, chasing after that hare,
just runs straight off the cliff.  he's mid-air,
stuck in stiff stupefaction
till a delayed reaction
kicks in, and he drops in despair.
"
"in the breads, shakes, and stews of my diet,
tiny flaxseeds are now running riot.
will the next panacea
be quinoa or chia?
with omega-3 hype, i'll sure buy it!
"
"did egeria, long ago dead
back in rome, share the emperor's bed?
maybe yes, maybe no.
but he valued her so
that he listened to all the nymph said.
"
"euphemistic historical term:
comfort woman.  the thought makes me squirm.
in the war, women wept
when they learned they'd be kept
for receiving the servicemen's sperm.
"
"what a glut of these tchotchkes!  they're vile,
so to sell them needs marketing guile.
that's what end caps are for:
product flies out the door
when displayed at the end of the aisle.
"
"why, you dolt, that's the annuals bed!
take the deutzia back to the shed.
i said pansies in tubs,
not hydrangea-like shrubs
that were named for a dutchman long dead.
"
"round the castle the siege lines are drawn.
there's an escalade scheduled for dawn.
they can scale that stone wall,
though it's massive and tall,
using ladders, bravura, and brawn.
"
"certain plants have a cultriform leaf.
(that's the term for a shape, to be brief.)
can't you picture, from books,
how a pruning knife looks?
let's say ""scimitar-shaped"" and save grief.
"
"there's a finch called a crossbill whose beak
is so twisted it's able to tweak
or to tweeze pinecone seeds.
its appearance misleads:
even darwin misjudged it a freak.
"
"friend to farmers, these mouse-eating corn snakes
make good pets, if you're not one to scorn snakes.
with their patterns like maize,
they are vivid displays
of the beautiful hues that adorn snakes.
"
"with your watery eyes and that wheezing,
you'll find diphenhydramine pleasing.
antihistamine pills
cannot cure all your ills,
but they lessen the sniffling and sneezing.
"
"all this hand-kissing business is swell,
but i'm sure not some fair damozel.
why use fine courtly airs
on a maid below stairs?
there's no soap kills that oniony smell.
"
"drat those cutworms!  they're wasteful and brutal,
nipping right through the stem, so the root'll
just die.  it's so needling
to see my dead seedling
whose growth spurt has now proven futile.
"
"monsieur debus with pride staked his claim
to live on in the debuscope name.
using mirrors and glass,
it made patterns.  alas,
the kaleidoscope nabbed all the fame.
"
"tiny combs to catch nits, vile shampoo:
these are tools to fight head lice.   what's new
in this sickening fight:
there's no stigma!   that's right.
the whole school is delousing now, too.
"
"when those damascene earrings i wore
(blackened steel etched with gold), how he swore.
he was irked that they came
from a previous flame.
damn, a scene every time.  what a bore.
"
"like my thrifty maine parents before,
i accumulate culch in a drawer:
candle stubs, rusty screws,
bits of string i might use.
things too good to throw out i must store.
"
"when that poet bloke hopkins exclaims,
""praise to god for what's dappled,"" he names:
stippled trout, finches' wings,
plotted fields, freckled things.
who knew god played such coloring games?
"
"when he leaped on his saddle one morn,
the poor horseman slid into the horn.
with his private parts sore,
he could stand for no more.
off all horses this cowpoke has sworn.
"
"when he clutched that grenade to his chest,
more than valor was put to the test.
to save life, he chose death.
when he breathed his last breath,
his immortal soul, then, was at rest.
"
"when the earth starts to shudder and murmur
in china, malaysia or burma,
it's not an illusion.
i've reached the conclusion
our terra is no longer firma.
"
"when his car had conked out, russell knew
'twould be hard to seduce amy sue.
when at last she said yes
(i will bet you can guess),
that his own engine sputtered out, too.
"
"politicians' pretend dialectic
(all pre-scripted) might seem to be hectic,
but we know each good deed
is just masking their greed,
so i'm bursting with rage ? apoplectic.
"
"two indian tribes on the prairie
agreed that their hatchets they'd bury.
each was buried, instead,
in another man's head.
just a few stayed alive, but not very.
"
"to the girls, a mild fellow named randy
had never seemed much of a dandy.
when he grew more aggressive
and over-possessive,
they had to tell randy, ""unhand me.""
"
"the sun orbits earth it was thought.
'twas a theory most scientists bought,
but copernicus found
this belief was unsound.
now a sun-centered system is taught.
"
"bill o'reilly can preach like a minister.
""keep it pithy,"" he says, looking sinister.
though i'm near eighty-five,
i am brusque and alive:
""pith and vinegar"" gives me an inner stir.
"
"would you like to eat fat, mr green?
(read again with the comma unseen.)
if you choose not to use it,
the reader will ""lose it""?
that comma makes clear what you mean.
"
"an agile louise danced with ease,
with feathers that hung to her knees.
but when the wind blew,
then away they all flew,
thus baring much more of louise.
"
"i would think it extremely ironic,
and indulge in a snicker sardonic,
should i ever, one day,
see an atheist pray.
it would strike me as oxymoronic.
"
"are the visions of prophets divine
or merely of worldly design?
could the futures they see
in reality be
the apocalypse: end of the line?
"
"john henry and jake were not able
to finagle miss maisy and mabel.
the boys had both thunk
they would get the girls drunk,
but the girls drank them under the table.
"
"jane was pinched from behind on a train.
by whom, she could not ascertain.
the culprit they sought,
but he never was caught.
he's a master at legerdemain.
"
"i scrubbed using soap to get clean,
in the tub, when some bubbles were seen.
i knew then, of course,
soap wasn't the source.
the culprit, i think, was a bean.
"
"a madam named polly once ran a
bordello in far-off montana.
when a client was done, he
gave polly the money.
miss polly was no pollyanna.
"
"in tibet, where the buddhist was stayin'
on the mountain, he seemed to be prayin'.
this appeared to be odd,
since he knows not of god.
him grew weary, so now himalayan.
"
"the bully at school beat on joe,
whose plan was beginning to grow.
to the hooligan's groin,
his foot would enjoin.
this reprisal seems quite apropos.
"
"the sexy young trollop was willing,
but she took only cash, with no billing.
for a farthing, this miss
would bestow a quick kiss,
but imagine your thrill for a shilling.
"
"""there are times i'm afraid,"" my wife said.
""i see sights in the night that i dread.""
such a sight she did see,
but the culprit was me:
i'd arisen to go to the head.
"
"to a london car rental i strode.
i might not have gone had i knowed
that i couldn't get out
of that blamed roundabout,
'til i  drove the ""wrong"" side of the road.
"
"on his arm, henry had an infection,
so he asked for a doctor's inspection.
he came out feeling grim,
with one less upper limb,
for the  doc did a thorough dissection.
"
"politicians should  be more polemic,
but complacency now is endemic.
they should lead, not be led,
show more care, but instead,
apathetic discourse is systemic.
"
"their wedding is over and done with.
camilla is firmly at one with
prince charles, her new spouse,
since he's man, and no mouse,
but a husband a wife can have fun with.
"
"for those who reach over and bend,
a message to you i will send.
if you're wearing tight britches,
you might break the stitches
and, doing so, bare your rear end.
"
"if they claim that their love is platonic,
that would seem to be somewhat ironic.
when they both were undressed,
they could not pass the test,
since carnality proved more harmonic.
"
"in the woods, a young laddie named watty
felt a desperate need to go potty,
but a poison oak leaf
used for cleansing relief
made his bottom turn itchy and spotty.
"
"a rowdy young redneck named clive
once started a brawl in a dive.
he was looking for fun,
but he didn't get none.
now he's lucky to still be alive.
"
"a graceful louise danced with ease,
with feathers that hung to her knees.
but when the wind blew,
far away they all flew,
exposing much more of louise.
"
"damon feared that his chances were sunk,
and his spirits were deep in a funk.
but at last, when he learned
that his friend had returned,
they went out and got pyth-i-ass drunk.
"
"politicians are very loquacious,
and many of them are mendacious.
with their lies, voters cope
and denounce them (i hope)
in ways that are more perspicacious.
"
"when the buzzards got into a brawl,
i heeded the clarion call:
with my shotgun let fly.
five at once! (they weren't high.)
others dove for for that carrion fall.
"
"our nation has naught to applaud
in a process of voting that's flawed.
since a widespread infection
infused the election,
the system is rancid with fraud.
"
"obama's the agent of change,
beyond any limit of range.
when he flips to a flop,
he will pause, and then stop,
so his words he can better arrange.
"
"the view through a liberal's prism
gives cause for a national schism.
by his run-away spending
and taxes non-ending,
he advocates pure socialism.
"
"indigestion beset a young lass,
who in agony rolled on the grass.
her discomfort was brief,
when at last her relief
was obtained by the passing of gas.
"
"classic poet they say that i'm notta,
though free verse i don't write a lotta.
since blank verse has meter,
it sounds a bit sweeter,
but rhyming with meter i gotta.
"
"mike tyson, the once fearless fighter,
is better known now as a biter.
when holyfield's weight
seemed a little too great,
tyson bit off an ear?made him lighter.
"
"""calee-fawn-ee-uh's"" governor, arnie,
sees his law-making bunch as a carnie.
they're ""girly men""?wimps,
he declares, but this simp's
just a rino and chock-full of blarney.
"
"will obama produce a great chasm
and create a political spasm?
the risk of a schism
to gain socialism
takes guts, and i don't think he has 'em.
"
"pelosi still rules as the speaker,
but i wish that her powers were weaker.
what she heard, she denied,
but i think that she lied.
i disdainfully call her the ""squeaker.""
"
"obama said, ""yes, i can do it.""
but this was not true, and he knew it.
he could fast-talk the walk
but could not walk the talk.
pure blarney is how i construe it.
"
"i confess that it doesn't seem strange
that obama has clamored for change.
i would love to comply,
but removing this guy
is the change i would rather arrange.
"
"for a soldier, it's hard to agree,
when a whisper becomes a decree,
that the people he fights ?
the jihadists ? have rights.
his morale? at the lowest degree.
"
"i can sense that barack wants to hush
truth detector (talk radio's rush)
and his ilk, who spot lies
all dressed up in disguise.
but ol' limbaugh refuses to shush.
"
"off the coast of croatia, not far,
lies the quaint little isle of hvar.
there were young and old nudes,
an odd scene for us prudes
of convention?how truly bizarre.
"
"feeling lustful, hank dated jane hall.
a payoff he wanted, though small.
but jane didn't know
hank assumed quid pro quo.
as for hank, he got nothing at all.
"
"a cheap, lonely miser named benny
possessed but few morals, if any.
ol' ben made a pass
at penelope glass.
he will never again pinch a penny.
"
"there are times when it seems the political
connection to fraud could be critical.
brief might be the reign
politicians maintain
if the voters become analytical.
"
"politicos don't find it  hard
to lie or to use a canard.
just how can they gain,
and what will they attain?
they can catch their opponents off guard.
"
"will we see what god's judgment has wrought
when that great final battle is fought?
armageddon draws nigh,
where so many will die?
those who  failed to obey what god taught.
"
"no reward for the aged, one fears:
will we live till the time it appears
if, as some reports vow,
taxing may  begin now,
but most benefits won't for four years?
"
"with his speeches, great crowds he would draw.
his audacity left all in awe.
but alas, before long,
his bravado seemed wrong ?
the chutzpah revealed a deep flaw.
"
"i pondered the plight of my brain,
which needs input that's simple and plain.
its function is tested
by thoughts undigested?
those messages vague and arcane.
"
"o'reilly's demeanor  seems bilious.
on occasion he can be punctilious.
he is sometimes abrupt,
and he does interrupt,
but most often he's just supercilious.
"
"when in school, all my classmates could see
how dejected and shy i  could be.
by my desk they would pass
and then loudly pass gas,
hold their nose and point fingers at me.
"
"my image of nancy pelosi
reminds me of bela lugosi:
an articulate liar
with results often dire.
her political life? not so cozy.
"
"is he merely a clown, a buffoon
who has risen to power too soon?
a bully, a goon
or a blustery loon?
perhaps he is just a poltroon.
"
"old jake is a crusty  curmudgeon
who remains in a high state  of dudgeon.
what's the public's reaction?
they'll find satisfaction
by clobbering  jake with a bludgeon.
"
"provocative rahm, since his youth,
seemed to falter in telling the truth.
now both churlish and broody,
he tends to be moody,
with manners both crude and uncouth.
"
"politicians (a few) act inane,
and many seem pompous and vain.
their oft chosen style
uses fraud and pure guile,
and their motives are mostly arcane.
"
"if someone seems over-ambitious,
should  he also be seen as  officious?
since it might not be true,
if that's what you construe,
it could look like you're being malicious.
"
"your quest to attain apotheosis
by the use of intrigue and hypnosis
could cause a delusion
creating confusion
that could likely result in neurosis.
"
"when joe distorts facts, you will know,
for his nose seems to gradually grow.
it was rare that you knew
when his comments were true.
i call him ""pinocchio joe.""
"
"though my character you may impugn
as a  goon, a buffoon or poltroon,
to the voters endeared,
i'm respected ? revered ?
and elections are coming up soon.
"
"are we sensing the world's devastation
with signs of a great trepidation?
it's with awe that i fear
that the end times are near
from the prescience of john's revelation.
"
"obama is being presumptuous,
and his tastes now appear rather sumptuous.
by deceit and by stealth
he is stealing our wealth
in a manner quite cocky and bumptious.
"
"by spouting forth words of abuse,
the sailor was being obtuse,
'cause the guy in the head
more politely had said,
""i am sorry, this room is in use.""
"
"his struggles to join the romantics
placed him, rather, among the pedantics.
in an effort to score,
he was naught but a bore.
not a girl was impressed by his antics.
"
"transformation to queen from a trollop
can be measured in terms of a dollop.
the chances are slim,
and the outcome is dim.
the idea is naught but codswallop.
"
"the radicals, bold and audacious,
appear vicious and often pugnacious.
they would outlaw by scheme
the american dream,
but the goals they pursue seem fallacious.
"
"to aging i'm hardly averse;
i have learned there are many things worse.
i am near eighty-eight,
and i know it's too late
for a shift in my life to reverse.
"
"i love music that's soft and symphonic,
so i find it is rather ironic
when i turn on my set
that the music i get
is more often too loud and demonic.
"
"desecration and moral decay
are infecting our nation today.
there's a pattern of crime
and political slime
that is rotting our values away.
"
"there are some in our midst who have said
that democracy soon will be dead.
in this ""land of the free,""
in our time will we see
a caliphate rise in its stead?
"
"as the curtain of darkness was falling,
the screeches i heard were appalling.
it was later i found
that the caterwaul sound
was two cats on a wall that were squalling.
"
"on a world stage al gore is performing,
taking action against global warming.
he presents with great flair
what just might be hot air,
as his lack of sound facts is  alarming.
"
"pelosi had asked for a blessing
from the bishop whom she was addressing.
he agreed with a smile,
 ""but it might take a while
baring sins?that's a heap of confessing.""
"
"some significant  laws of our nation
seem endangered ? they face abrogation.
we are forced now to fight
to maintain legal right
to some freedoms now facing cessation.
"
"when they fail to convince by persuasion,
politicians use shameless evasion
and show no compunctions.
electile dysfunction's
not rising to meet the occasion.
"
"if poor grammar you choose to assume,
a true purist might shudder and fume
when you opt to use who
as an object of to.
proper accidence here demands whom.
"
"i can sit on my throne and pursue
dreams of deeds that as king i might do.
but gone is the spell,
when i hear my wife yell,
""better flush the commode when you're through.""
"
"a question was posed, ""just how will a
queen status be given camilla?""
the royalty might frown
if they gave her a crown,
'cause a commoner 'milla is still a.
"
"a problem in many a nation
is control of extreme procreation.
i pray that some day
they may think of a way
to promote population deflation.
"
"as he made touch-and-gos on the carrier,
each landing that morning got hairier.
when his hook missed the wire
and his plight became dire,
the pilot was saved by the barrier.
"
"once a man in soft sand tried to tread
where his ""footprints in time"" would embed,
but, alas, the poor chap
had a dreadful mishap:
he had stepped into quicksand instead.
"
"a mean-mannered kid found it fittin'
to pick up a cat and start hittin'.
his abuse was repaid
when he found himself sprayed:
he had picked on a skunk, not a kitten.
"
"cacophonous sounds from your house
are distressing my kids and my spouse.
my head's in a spin?
it's discordant, that din
you call music by richard g. strauss.
"
"the women of now have a yen
(so it seems) to eliminate men.
at this i'm aghast,
so i look to the past
for the old-fashioned ladies of then.
"
"the baby had very poor taste.
of remorse, he showed nary a trace.
but the diaper remained
very dry and unstained.
he had aimed the full load at my face.
"
"city slickers thought hicks could be beat
in a milking event. t'would be neat.
but one cocky young fool
was kicked clear off  his stool
by a ""cow"" that had only one teat.
"
"eve's action appeared injudicious,
considered by some as pernicious.
with guilt she was ridden;
the fruit was forbidden.
that apple, though?oh, how delicious!
"
"she loves me! i'm simply delighted,
for the passion of love is ignited.
loves me not! it's now clear:
a delusion. i fear
that my love will remain unrequited.
"
"there once was a greenhorn named louie
who loved to eat food that was chewy.
he was told that cow pie
was a treat he might try.
he found it full-flavored and gooey.
"
"is democracy now an illusion
beset with bad faith and confusion?
obsolete seems the plan
of one vote for one man.
it's been tainted by fraud and collusion.
"
"mike tyson, a boor and a bore,
found that littering lowered his score.
this became rather clear
when he bit off that ear
and then spat it right out on the floor.
"
"mike tyson, the once fearsome fighter,
has become better known as a biter.
when holyfield's weight
seemed a little too great,
tyson bit off an ear, made him lighter.
"
"mike tyson caused shock and confusion,
which was seen in his dental occlusion.
when holyfield's ear
in mike's teeth did appear,
it was certainly not an illusion.
"
"his girlfriend, he thought, was a jewel,
but in bed late at night, she was cruel,
since her comments were crass:
""you have run out of gas!""
and ""go get some alternative fuel.""
"
"a maker of digital things
pinched its name from the beatles (not wings).
pretty soon all their macs
let the users play tracks,
even though lots of lawyers this brings.
"
"there are some think mount ararat shrouds
something secret beneath all its clouds?
perhaps noah's ark,
or maybe a snark,
or a yeti avoiding the crowds.
"
"if for a vacation you seek
to be hiking and climbing all week,
then tackling this hill
might just give you a thrill?
annapurna, the tenth-highest peak.
"
"archaeology looks for remains;
one kind uses photos from planes.
an aerial view
might just offer a clue
to the presence of stone walls and drains.
"
"a reliable bible's for preaching;
the reps need some yeps when impeaching.
there's many a trade
that makes use of an aid?
like my handout's a standout for teaching.
"
"the mother of cities is what,
as a nickname, refers to this spot;
asunci?n is the name
that in paraguay came
to be filling their capital slot.
"
"if christchurch is making you ill,
or greymouth is losing its thrill,
and you want to swap sides
to the opposite tides?
arthur's pass goes right over the hill.
"
"the avebury circle of stones
might move you to soften your tones.
an avenue leads
from the henge, which succeeds
in encompassing many unknowns.
"
"an active volcano is one
whose eruptions are not nearly done.
so if you're near the crater,
then i'll see you later.
you stay if you want, but i'll run!
"
"we've often been winning away,
which pleases our fans, though they say
that if we won at home,
and not just when we roam,
then they might come to see us one day.
"
"for the health bill, pelosi's a factor;
she's obama's devoted enactor.
at times she's not gracious,
but fiercely tenacious?
from her goals no one seems to distract  her.
"
"some envisioned barack a sensation
who would bring a great change to our nation.
but alas, will it seem
when they wake from their dream,
that his change is a mere aberration?
"
"is his aura of wit an illusion?
his double-talk causes confusion.
and  how then, forsooth,
does he handle the truth?
from his words we can't reach a conclusion.
"
"it took but few words, just a whiff
of his rhetoric, polished but stiff,
to lay bare what i dread?
that we all will be led
down a primrose path over a cliff.
"
"from obama smooth rhetoric flows,
but no one can sense what he knows.
when the smoke finally cleared,
we were fooled,  it appeared.
he was clad in the ""emperor's  new clothes.""
"
"the speaker's ideas were jejune,
like a lyric that's sung out of tune.
and the words he did speak
were both barren and bleak.
the conclusion could not come too soon.
"
"please tell us, judge sotomayor,
the changes that you're wishing for.
can our firm constitution
allow a dilution
that permits it to mean either/or?
"
"driving slow in the fast lane, i've heard,
""get that crate off the road, you old nerd!""
they impatiently know
that i'm moving too slow,
so when passing, they  ""flip me the bird.""
"
"obama is causing vexation,
and folks are in great agitation.
if we stay on his course,
we'll be filled with remorse
once becoming a socialist nation!


	
"
"obama, there's really no way
i'll believe what your followers say.
yes, your mother gave birth
to you somewhere on earth,
but i doubt it's the u.s. of a.
"
"the loss of our men was severe,
but they fought against odds without fear.
they refused to retreat
or succumb to defeat,
so they chose to advance to the rear.
"
"amidst the distrust and hostility,
the president calls for civility.
yet the hate seems to grow
to the point where we know
politicians don't have the ability.
"
"i was once left upset and aghast
by a stench that was randomly cast.
it was caused by a guy
who, meandering by,
left an aura from gas that he passed.
"
"in great britain obama was staying,
and his protocol skills seemed dismaying.
he continued a toast
to his dignified host
while her national anthem was playing.
"
"when obama returns from vacation,
will his ""job plan"" then cause a sensation?
many fear it is liable
to be way less than viable?
a source for increased aggravation.
"
"major laws of our land have been broken.
why hasn't the media spoken?
the masses should heed
all the evil and greed.
still asleep, they have not yet awoken.
"
"the question to ask about bill
is whether he won't or he will.
it's really no riddle;
he just likes to diddle.
he's seeking another cheap thrill.
"
"at first we tried hard to beseech him;
earnest pleadings, alas, failed to reach him.
yet the problem remains,
he has left many stains,
and the only hope left is impeach him.
"
"the dhimmis don't have any  latitude
except for adopting an attitude
as subdued, second class
in the great muslim mass.
they must grovel and fawn in their gratitude.
"
"was anthony wishing to play
when he cast all his cautions away?
was he just adding litter,
by placing on twitter
the worst of his weiner display?
"
"on this railway, the workers are slack,
and they say they don't want to come back.
their hands are all calloused
from spreading the ballast
to make a nice bed for the track.
"
"when you're singing away with your crony,
you should try not to let it get drony.
try an alt?a high tone
for which divas are known.
(with sopranos, it's more like: ""hi, tony."")
"
"i've decided to fill up my jag full
of petrol to go for a drag, full
of woe that the car
didn't get very far
on the coal i'd put in by the bagful.
"
"they kept all the money we lent,
not to mention the bribes that we sent.
the appeal of their fruit
cost us bunches of loot?
that banana republic is bent!
"
"i really felt out of the loop?
didn't know where i was on the sloop.
i had been at the bow,
then amidships, so now
i was probably facing apoop.
"
"beginners' is who it is for.
all-purpose? it lets you do more.
symbolic is how the
instruction is now; the
code loaded is what we adore.
"
"a facsimile's one way to say it;
a replica might just convey it.
it's kind of a copy,
precise (and not sloppy)?
an autotype?  yes, let's okay it.
"
"after 13 march '38 came,
what was austria wasn't the same.
for the anschluss was made?
after that, i'm afraid
that the country shared germany's name.
"
"d m 9 y h 5 p i 2
a 3 e 1 c t 8 l u
g z 0 b x j
n f 6 r v k
o 4 w s 7 q.
"
"it's a capital place, and we hear
r l stevenson's buried quite near,
where his grave overlooks
all the crannies and nooks
of samoa's main city, apia.
"
"let's try walking, for that's where it's at.
and then soon we'll be thinner than sprat.
of course, we've no choice
plus no cause to rejoice,
for two tires on the car are aflat.
"
"when the judge said, ""describe your attackers,""
i replied they were fans of the packers
with heads made of cheese.
the jury said, ""jeez!""
and awarded me thousands of smackers.
"
"while walking among alyce clover,
on wanting some fresh, i bent over
to pick up the bloom
(it's an old world legume)
to place in a vase there in dover.
"
"my doctor, a surgeon named hulce,
showed me once how to take my own pulse
just to keep myself fit,
but it's taken a hit
since my arms he was forced to avulse.
"
"the officers charged with attendance
do their work for the superintendents.
they will try to track down
every insolent clown
who skips class to express independence.
"
"in anthropopathism, maybe you'll find
fish that love, or some dogs of sound mind.
it's when we ascribe
to the animal tribe
a feeling we find in our kind.
"
"while you're out fossil hunting you might
find a coil-chambered rock that's just right.
that ammonoid's nice
and will fetch a good price.
it will make some geologist's night.
"
"although aproned to keep my front dry,
i was spattered with grease on my thigh.
i was forced to conclude
that to fry in the nude
is a horrible way to get by.
"
"if your church has an altar that's fit
to have something placed frontwise of it,
like a cloth or a screen,
the antependium's seen.
but i won't pose a pun on ""the pit"".
"
"ahithophel, david's advisor,
made a move that sure could've been wiser.
with absalom's lot
he rebelled, but was not
well respected. his end? no surpriser.
"
"the coinage is losing its hair?
or we save for a wig (and a spare)?
no, it's only a plant
and the baldmoney can't
help its name, which is rather unfair.
"
"if cr?pes you're preparing to fix,
or if eggs you are needing to mix
for an omelette that's airy
or cakes (cup- or fairy-),
balloon whisks are shaped for such tricks.
"
"you'd think it might float in the air,
as you lean back with hardly a care.
it is not so unique,
but more likely antique?
see, balloon-back's the shape of the chair.
"
"if you're honest when push comes to shove,
and your conduct is guided by love,
then your conscience is clear;
you have nothing to fear,
as reproach is the thing you're above.
"
"cutting bits off their tails might fluster
the cattle, and cause them to cluster.
it's only the hair
that's cut off, nice and square;
we're conducting a bang-tail muster.
"
"the jungle book names come from where?
i don't know, and i frankly don't care.
can i tell you just one?
if you must have your fun...
well, baloo is from hindi for bear.
"
"balclutha? it's south from dunedin.
to leave invercargill, you're needin'
to head mostly east,
to the clutha, at least
(where the road from dunedin was leadin').
"
"background printing might seem rather slow,
but the printer would like you to know
the computer's to blame
as it seems that some game
has control and it just won't let go.
"
"when a footballer's caught with the ball
at his feet, and there's no time at all
to be turning about,
he might hope for a shout
and can back-heel it back to the call.
"
"when in bardo you're not of this earth.
it's the state between death and rebirth?
well, for buddhists at least;
for a cinema priest,
maybe brigitte bardot had more worth.
"
"can i organise? not on your life!
it would only cause trouble and strife.
trusting me with arrangements
will lead to estrangements?
the bandobast's up to the wife.
"
"there's no light, but don't get in a flap.
we may as well just take a nap.
'cause the bulb (bought by you)
has an edison screw,
and we needed a bayonet cap.
"
"autotoxins don't sound very good,
but there's very few reasons they would.
when they're formed by a body,
they'll render it shoddy?
they poison, but not what they should.
"
"akaroa's a township that ranks
high in interest, and mainly that's thanks
to the frenchmen who founded
it there on the rounded
peninsula named after banks.
"
"oh, those pirates, they've copied godzilla!
they've even made clones of ben stiller!
dear judge, could you please
let me search them, and seize
lots of evidence. thanks, anton piller.
"
"my mate is a bit of a gaby;
he's thick as two planks, and just maybe
he tossed out the tot.
but at least he did not
throw the bathwater out with the baby.
"
"i'll have to use all of my tact,
'cos a friend sits on chairs that are stacked,
and another spins plates...
i can't choose between mates...
yes, it's really a balancing act!
"
"see it nab a fruit, largely with ease,
and then grab a shoot, also a breeze.
it's a big, short-tailed lemur;
at dawn it's a screamer.
the babacoote lives in the trees.
"
"two sirloins, still joined at the bone
(that's the backbone) are otherwise known
as a baron of beef,
and it's my firm belief
i could eat one, yes, all on my own.
"
"one meaning this phrase has? it's where
one hallway's the rear of a pair.
but it's two-faced, like janus?
a probe there might pain us?
so mention back passage with care.
"
"said an irishman, brash and unstable,
""to outdrink any man i am able.""
but alas, on this day,
he got carried away,
and he drank himself under the table.
"
"up in heaven there's naught but a dearth
of the treasures we cache on this earth.
just the love in your heart
and your soul is in part
the lord's measure for value and worth.
"
"a man saw two dogs that impressed him.
as he rode on his bike, they addressed him.
they barked to unseat him,
but chose not to eat him,
for fear that they could not digest him.
"
"my seeing-eye dog cannot see.
when i took him out walking with me,
i looked down with alarm:
do my  pants have such charm?
he had thought that my leg was a tree.
"
"i met an old man down in haiti,
who wed a young lassie named katie;
but this ancient ""old fart""
was foredoomed from the start:
his virility dwindled at eighty.
"
"the image of her in her nightie
caused me to exclaim, ""god almighty!""
she was born from the sea,
a greek goddess to be:
the goddess of love, aphrodite.
"
"an elderly poet named lloyd
wrote verse that was widely enjoyed.
but when alzheimer's struck,
he ran out of luck,
and his muse now is simply a void.
"
"a canuck known as sass, with his son,
fished the river 'til daylight was done.
it was easy to see
that his son had caught three,
but no one saw saskatchewan.
"
"to compose, we make use of a tool
that many learn early in school:
""use an i before e,
if it's not after c.""
(when you write, you should ""sieze"" this fine rule.)
"
"the chihuahua's small heart was near busting.
for a massive great dane he was lusting.
he had all he would need,
but he chose the wrong breed.
(this scenario's really disgusting.)
"
"it's useful, if you are a bird,
to know what is meant by this word,
because allopreening
refers to the cleaning
of mates during courtship, we've heard.
"
"in optics, it's called aberration
when lenses are causing vexation
by failing to show
perfect images, though
it has been that way since their creation.
"
"most dictionaries seem to ignore it,
though the o.s.p.d.'s where i saw it.
ainsell is the word,
from the scots, so i've heard,
one's ""own self"" is the meaning that's for it.
"
"an out-of-date unit, mislaid.
because now the absiemens has made
most all of the lists.
how quickly the mists
of history left it to fade.
"
"the oedilf members?long we all toiled.
our word-cauldrons bubbled and boiled.
but an anagram made
of our acronym stayed
out of reach?our ambitions were foiled!
"
"all of the blacksmiths just love it,
not that it's easy to shove it.
vulcan, for one,
is having some fun.
look, he's lifting his hammer above it.
"
"there are some who think afghans are rugs,
or people whose cash crop is drugs.
i think biscuits for lunch,
cocoa-flavoured with crunch;
top with walnut. serve coffee in mugs.
"
"from the same polynesian root word:
in hawaiian, aloha's preferred?
with a meaning like ciao.
but aroha's how
to say love when it's maori that's heard.
"
"the mite's an arachnid, and so
is the spider, and scorpion, though
if the spiders are all
that you mean, then you call
them araneids, didn't you know?
"
"it's nice to be taken in arms
in those cases when something alarms.
but an arm of a lake
would most certainly make
you quite wet if you fell for its charms.
"
"here's something to try when you bake:
make a sponge in two colours. then, take
lots of marzipan too,
make it square, and then you
have a nice piece of battenberg cake!
"
"the monoxide of barium's name
is baryta; the sulphate's the same.
there are various heavy
concoctions (a bevy
of compounds) this name can proclaim.
"
"the officious employee policed a
most noisy machine. when it ceased, a
consumer enquired
if he now could get wired.
""no, it's decaf!"" replied the barista.
"
"the party who promised a crackdown
on crooks now explain that's a track down
which we shouldn't go,
but they'd like you to know
that it's not in the slightest a backdown.
"
"the warmth of the day, it is dwindling,
and (whether by begging or swindling)
some way i'll be havin'
to get me a bavin
(a bundle of brush used for kindling).
"
"if in scotland you see a strange cat
that you want to call over and pat,
yelling ""puss"" might not do;
it is better if you
see if baudrons will answer to that.
"
"mikhail, if you see uncle vanya,
or olga, natasha, or tanya,
just tell them the scheme
is to sit in the steam
in our sauna-type bath called a banya.
"
"what's flying around, can you tell?
it's consuming some insects as well.
and it looks kind of weird,
like it's wearing a beard?
it's the bat that they call barbastelle.
"
"one bacillus said, ""isn't it odd
how mine's a bacilliform bod.
but baculiform, too,
could describe me and you?
we're both of us shaped like a rod.""
"
"addis ababa rules ethiopia.
it's high, so the roads up are slopier.
ras tafari, once crowned,
became haile, renowned,
but the rastas will seldom elope here.
"
"a baculovirus sounds odd:
it's quite large and it's shaped like a rod,
and it only takes posts
in invertebrate hosts.
it's a stranger to eggplants or cod.
"
"rugby football's a strange game, you know.
they use hands to both carry and throw;
and a try is worth more
than the goal it is for;
and some forwards are in the back row.
"
"a house cow survives if it's tame,
and for chickens that lay it's the same.
but for sundry sad swine
it's the end of the line,
as the baconer's fate is its name.
"
"a backscratcher helps quite a lot
when you itch in a difficult spot.
i could do with one now
but the problem, somehow,
is her birthday's the one i forgot.
"
"a gift for my inamorata!
but what? i was seeking some data...
i asked, was discreet.
she replied: ""something sweet.""
a potato!  ""here, have a batata!""
"
"my uncle was looking quite sad.
i asked why and he said that he had
not gone walkies today,
and the cat got away.
(i suspect that he's gone barking mad.)
"
"it's smaller by far than a tree;
it's not even the size of a pea.
it's impossibly little?
a droplet of spittle?
the fame of a back-bench mp.
"
"barbados?caribbean isle!
a place to vacation in style.
it's also a nation
(for your information),
and'll probably be for a while.
"
"they're togs, so a kiwi will tell
you, or trunks for an englishman's spell
in the surf, and an aussie
might call them a cossie,
or possibly bathers, as well.
"
"if the basket is where the ball goes,
then a basket is what the score shows.
and the basketball name
is applied to the game,
and the ball they use too, i suppose.
"
"my driving (at quite a fast clip)
made my battery slip and then flip.
the acid then dropped
on the motor, which stopped.
you could say that i had a bad trip.
"
"a farmer, when harvest was startin',
asked charlie to fetch him a carton.
""the carton,"" said charlie,
""encloses some barley
and so does the farmyard, the barton.""
"
"when the powder you use for your gun
should be smokeless, then here's how it's done:
nitrocellulose plus
nitroglycerine?thus
do ballistite's ingredients run.
"
"the englishman turned on the charm; he
was trying to gather an army
of rugby supporters
to tour foreign quarters?
but all his recruits were quite barmy.
"
"once, some sugar with barley was boiled
to make sweets that were twisted or coiled.
now they're most likely round,
made with glucose, and found
in your pack when uphill you have toiled.
"
"armenti?res is a place we know well
from a first world war song that did tell
us that, when we passed through,
if we asked ""parlez-vous?"",
well, we might meet a mademoiselle.
"
"a bajan (when small ""b"" is seen)
is a freshman around aberdeen.
when the ""b"" is writ big
then a bajan, you dig,
is barbadian. you see what i mean?
"
"if tractors attract when they drag,
and you think you're a bit of a dag,
when you puncture your tyre
with your number eight wire,
then your field days will always be ag.
"
"they want me to plough the backyard,
but just scratching the surface is hard
with this quite categoric-
ally most prehistoric
scratch-plough that is known as an ard.
"
"when you burst through the doors in a huff
those were batwings you treated so rough,
while a batwing-type sleeve
is quite loose, i believe,
at the armhole, but tight at the cuff.
"
"a man who walked into a bar
was then stuck there?he couldn't get far.
his magnetic attraction
induced his inaction?
as bar magnets go, he's a star.
"
"those banner ads cause me to sigh.
they are placed upon pages that i
wish to browse on the 'net,
where their aim is to get
me to click through and, maybe, to buy.
"
"well, i don't quite believe it myself
when you say you're the child of an elf.
when you take a whole loaf
i believe you're an oaf;
awful auf, put it back on the shelf!
"
"if you're favoured to win in a game,
to progress to your ultimate aim,
but the team that you play
makes you slip, you might say
the banana skins should be their name.
"
"if, e.g., you're the guard of the larder,
east indians might have the ardour
to call you bahadur;
but if you're a boarder,
it's harder to call you bahadur.
"
"what a strange-looking hammer we saw?
the peen is a ball, not a claw.
if you're pulling out nails,
then it hopelessly fails,
but for banging in rivets, it's braw!
"
"you can eat all my baba ghanouzh,
or half flatten my fancy tarboosh.
you can crumple or cut
almost anything, but
don't you step on my blue suede babouche.
"
"atoms of nitrogen, three,
zealously aiming to be
in a group of their own
do thus become known,
overall, as the bold word you see.
"
"the girl 'cross the river sang gaily
along with my old ukelele.
i'd join her if i
liked to swim.  or to fly.
or to build a quick bridge named for bailey.
"
"the balls from their guns are okay?
all my clothing is ballproof, but they
aim an arrow at me.
now i'm aiming to flee;
i just don't see the point, not today.
"
"""your brother is certainly tardy
in making his way back from mardi
gras."" ""yes, it is rum,
but i'm sure he will come
when he's finished his coke and bacardi.""
"
"yell ""hostess!"" and get laryngitis;
be cramped in your seat with arthritis.
it's often a pain
when you travel by plane.
oh, the pressure!  i'll get aerotitis!
"
"a walk in the woodlands may calm,
and so leave you with nary a qualm.
but try not to disturb
this perennial herb?
it is hairy and smells: bastard balm.
"
"see the wimbledon waitress who ferries
dessert to the barrie's and terry's.
what's under the cream?
there's a shiny red gleam.
she's bacciferous: bearing them berries!
"
"i'd inspected the long ballot paper?
selected a policy shaper.
the pen must have moved,
for much later they proved
i'd elected a prison escaper.
"
"there's an old joke i'm going to borrow
(perhaps more in jest than in sorrow)
it concerns that which might
be inside of your light?
it is air today, argon tomorrow.
"
"if your bonnie wee dear baby daughter
has the trots, well then maybe you oughta
heed some old-time advice
that you boil up a nice
form of nourishment called barley water.
"
"i'm not sure that i've heard you quite right?
you're expecting to fuss and to fight?
as that dinosaur twerp'll
just make you see purple?
a barney with barney tonight?
"
"i'm away from the coalface, that's fine.
but i've still got to enter the mine
as there's backwork to do.
in the meantime, would you
feed the ducks for me, dear clementine?
"
"if shakespeare has somehow amassed a
sufficiently large plate of pasta,
he won't shout ""enough!""?
extra serves to rebuff?
you're more likely to hear him cry ""basta!""
"
"if you're modelling a plane to be flown,
like a glider that flies when it's thrown,
then some balsawood should
make it light, which is good?
in american tropics it's grown.
"
"when a briton says awlbird to you,
then their dialect's rural ('tis true).
well, a woodpecker (green)
may well be what they've seen;
or an avocet, just wading through.
"
"this enormous, extinct proto-rhino
is too big for a pet. even i know
not to christen baluch-
itherium ""pooch"".
(though he'd still make a mess on the lino.)
"
"a prolific news writer whose byline?
trailed many a tale from the byline?
preferred other sorts
of reporting, as sports
were not really his thing, just a byline?.
"
"if it seems that your dog might have napping
in mind when its job's to be yapping
at truculent sheep,
we won't say that it's sleep
that it's seeking; we'll say that it's clapping.
"
"the baroscope's old and outdated.
it balanced two metals, each weighted
a different way,
with one hollow, so they
moved a bit when air pressure abated.
"
"on a plane, it can damage your ear,
or your sinus, if pressure won't clear.
or it could make the lung
of a diver go bung.
barotrauma can be quite severe.
"
"your horse is all restless, though why it
should stay so: no reason. just buy it
this gadget to close
round the end of its nose.
yes, a barnacle should keep it quiet.
"
"declan patrick macmanus can bellow
to basses, or croon with a cello.
when armed forces aim true
spike can turn almost blue,
trust our brutal youth, elvis costello.
"
"an autokey cipher is such
that the keyword is not very much,
but the key is extended
by text that's appended?
resulting in real double dutch!
"
"when gollum for new jobs he lookses,
he'll get one by hookses or crookses?
in a calling that meshes
with what he holds precious:
accountant who cookses the bookses.
"
"andorra is really a hella-
-va high place, but otherwise swell. a
wee state with a capital?
tourists will lap it all
up in andorra la vella.
"
"there was once a geography teacher,
in whose atlas was seen a strange creature.
the biology lab
put the book on the slab?
but discovered the ""bug"" was a feature....
"
"the cask of fine spirits they sent
wasn't full, so i asked where it went.
""well, the vapours seep through...""
they replied, then i knew
what the phrase they'd used (angels' share) meant.
"
"'twas a place for the real cognoscenti
of sports, and of those there were plenty;
the olympics, no less,
were held where? can you guess?
yes, in antwerp.  the year?  1920.
"
"if you're looking to buy something pretty,
somewhat smallish but not itty-bitty,
you can spend your manat
in fair ashgabat,
turkmenistan's capital city.
"
"asmara means four are united.
it's up high, and it's pleasantly sited.
my word, is it pretty?
this capital city?
eritreans, they must be delighted.
"
"defining barrico's a task
that is not what you'd call ""a big ask"".
you don't have to beg
me to say it's a keg,
or, perhaps, i should say a small cask.
"
"his specialty's bending the ball
so it flies round the side of the wall.
his banana kick's such
that he doesn't miss much,
as no goalie can touch it at all.
"
"if you thought there were grapes in this strong,
slightly sweet english ale, you'd be wrong.
and there's no need for blame
if you're fooled by the name
of the barley wine i've brought along.
"
"i dated two girls with anaudia
(jolene and her step-sister claudia).
neither cutie could speak,
but my knees still get weak
when i think of those times in their audi?ah!
"
"there once was a laddie named sutton
who binged on a mountain of mutton.
ate the loin (did not stop);
the rib, saddle, and chop;
and the shoulder and haunch?what a glutton!
"
"the brave boers fought the british in khaki,
while the brits wore their redcoats (so tacky).
in the first of these wars,
the win went to the boers,
but the brits won the rematch, by cracky!
"
"there is one thing you want to avoid
when you get an old copper annoyed:
don't rely just on luck,
but remember to duck
while his billy club's being employed.
"
"when you leave someone out of the loop;
or tell tales, tattle, rat out and snoop;
or are lacking the grace
to converse face-to-face,
you're a rotten ""behind one's back"" poop!
"
"amenorrhea, the stopping of flow,
is a term that girl athletes should know.
one might lay the blame
on their leanness of frame,
and an excess of ""go, go, go, go!""
"
"kate begrudgingly gave her approval,
conditioned on ""right of removal.""
now my moosehead looks stately.
i treasure it greatly,
despite her sarcastic reproval.
"
"as you see, my physique is a mess,
so i'll bench press and cause myself stress.
pile the weights on the bar
and i'll push them up far;
if i can't rack it up, i'll try less.
"
"it is true, i would anger my mother.
i just loved to beat up on my brother:
tickle, slap, smack, and choke,
cudgel, whack, hit, and poke,
truncheon, punch, kick, brass-knuckle, and smother.
"
"say antipaedobaptists, ""no dunkin'!""
so the pastor won't dip my li'l punkin.
though i've argued my case,
he just laughs in my face?
unimpressed by my dogma-debunkin'.
"
"when the bolsheviks started their party,
it was lenin who led them (the smarty).
some historians say,
""he was tops in his day,
and his beard was so pointed and arty!""
"
"i dine with a mongol at two.
he'll be putting his ass in the stew.
equus hemionus
(with grubs as a bonus):
it's tasty, much better than gnu.
"
"in da 'hood, every bro wants a mate
with a backside (da rackside don't rate).
every playah and punk
loves da junk in da trunk.
bootyliciousness! yo, she looks great!
"
"the vet viewed the tiger's great maw
and said, ""lockjaw is this kitty's flaw.
ankylostoma here
is the problem, i fear.
there's a big rusty nail in his paw!""
"
"if one's blebby, one's covered with blisters,
like the time when my mom and her sisters
lay tanning one day
in some nettles and hay
without sunscreen, inhalers, or misters.
"
"my girlfriend, lucretia zenobia,
came down with severe aquaphobia,
so, unlike an otter,
she's frightened of water
and moved from long beach to monrovia.
"
"when a viking lacked verve as a worker,
or the kill-rage to be a berserker,
eating red-headed 'shrooms
made him stark (one assumes)
raving mad, but at least not a shirker!
"
"learned linguists, those experts and nerds,
will say avine for ""dealing with birds.""
these pretentious few who
simple word-use eschew
would say feces when i would say turds.
"
"on a balandra i sailed with a deacon,
searched the shore with a glass for a beacon.
then i spotted at last
the balize from the mast
and tacked toward the cove we were seekin'.
"
"like i told you, mom, i am no liar.
it was jim who broke sissy's blow-dryer.
though he knows it's for hair,
he still tried (on a dare)
to set my pink panties on fire.
"
"you've been cleaning up after a flood,
but your wheelbarrow's stuck in the crud?
consider replacing
the wheel, and embracing
a ball-barrow?rolls over mud!
"
"when the french want to find out the lay
of the land, to decide yea or nay,
where an englishman might
just try flying a kite,
they will send up a ballon d'essai.
"
"when my uncle, tom cobley, was small,
he ""made shoes"" that would, frankly, appal
any cobbling artiste?
well, he poked holes, at least,
with his uncle-tom-cobleyan awl.
"
"you're not such a bad sort of bloke,
but your cricketing skills are a joke.
you first lift up the bat
but then leave it at that.
such a backlift should augur a stroke!
"
"the seagull i meant for the soup?
it seems to have flown from the coop.
to retrieve it, i guess
that i'll follow the mess,
and i'll probably find it apoop.
"
"allodial land is held free,
not from crown nor from state, but for me.
without lord's where its name
(an allodium) came
from, not freehold?it's not held in fee.
"
"when taking a bath, relaxation
is likely, as is inspiration?
great thoughts you will get,
but your hands are too wet
to preserve them?oh, damn balneation!
"
"the potter began to tempt fate
when he foolishly tried to create
the most massive ceramics?
the barodynamics
were such they collapsed from the weight.
"
"when your tansy is tardy to thrive,
and your barley is barely alive,
that's the time that a good
auxanometer should
let you know as they start to revive.
"
"when the active's the form of your voice,
then you make a grammatical choice.
say: ""my rolls-royce was nicked"",
and the passive was picked.
rather, utter: ""they nicked my rolls-royce!""
"
"when the bigwigs deliver a beating,
they will summon the drones: ""all-hands meeting!""
there they'll scream 'til they're blue,
threaten layoffs anew,
cancel raises, and turn down the heating.
"
"said the bisontine lass tonya tawny,
""i use to be hairless and scrawny,
but i grazed on the plains
and some iowa grains?
now i'm horny and hairy and brawny.""
"
"spiro keats, the greek poet absurd,
had a beak like a predator-bird.
with a schnozz like a hook,
he'd a hell of a look
and a snore that's the loudest i've heard.
"
"""our new anal-probe sales have gone red
due to reasons advenient,"" he said.
""those green bug-eyed guys
changed their front line supplies
to the martian red-raider instead.""
"
"france's pride, the bemedaled leclaire,
stood erect with his nose in the air:
gave the boche a defeat
by attacking tout de suite,
and so earned his deserved croix de guerre.
"
"said the lady as moods became lighter,
""i go nuts for a big burly fighter.
see the king's stalwart men?
they're so handsome: all ten.
i would sure like to pull an all-knighter.""
"
"a balistraria causes a hassle
when you're storming a keep or a castle.
from this cruciform slit
by a bolt you'll get hit
when you're shot by the lord or his vassal.
"
"spiro keats thinks achilles would beat us;
this athenian aesthete loves thetis.
mycenaean (the age)
for this greek's all the rage:
from pylos to golden miletus.
"
"when you're looking for hot-blooded action,
don't let bookishness be a detraction.
boys ought to make passes
at girls who wear glasses;
their brains help provide satisfaction.
"
"bonapartism's governing view
is that only a general will do
to lead all the classes,
and play to the masses:
the many submit to the few.
"
"gone to sea on the ship of a quaker
were three heathen, a saint and a fakir.
then ol' ahab mocked god,
and so damned the pequod,
and they all, save the saint, met their maker.
"
"bellyachers give patience a stretch,
make me gag, give my stomach a retch.
they bitch, moan and mumble,
growl, gripe, groan and grumble
as they whine, snivel, carp and kvetch.
"
"spiro keats, the greek poet from crete,
loved to ponder the beauty of feet,
to pamper his toes
with the oil of the rose,
and to polish his balls as a treat.
"
"said the sailor on shore, ""at long last!
i have done my two years 'fore the mast.
with my sea duty done,
i am neptune's own son
and a tar made from r. dana's cast.""
"
"apiphobia sufferers drive
with their windows rolled up near a hive,
'cause a honeybee's flight
could produce quite a fright
and a crash that they mightn't survive.
"
"spiro keats, the greek poet, is crazy.
his romantical habits are lazy.
he will lie on his back
and imagine dawn's crack
to be pinkish and auric and hazy.
"
"there once was a rock hound named sheryl
who was keen on the mineral beryl,
with its aqua sea-blues
and pink morganite hues,
even goshenite, pallid and sterile.
"
"gassy cows cause our atmosphere pains;
from the farts of the mule?acid rains.
ch4, co2:
it's all biogas (eww!);
greenhouse culprits and known ozone banes!
"
"plant geneticists work and compete
to develop new fruit types to eat.
two-thirds apricot (yum!),
the remainder is plum:
call them apriums?juicy and sweet.
"
"in recalling the girls that i've wedded,
it is hard to remain level-headed.
please don't think me rude
(and i know this sounds crude)
but i should've left after we'd bedded.
"
"my stitchery art on the wall
runs from a (five feet high) to z (small).
most letters i'll do;
the thirteenth i eschew
'cause i will not m broider at all.
"
"while the britons in britain drink tea,
angry bretons live just 'cross the sea.
the bretons?both celtic
and madder-than-heltic?
want brittany frenchless and free.
"
"""by yon bonnie brae,"" said the lassie,
""you can show me what makes you so classy.
when we both drink our fill
of sweet love on that hill,
then you'll know if i'm quiet or sassy.""
"
"""okay, folks, now let's take our first caller.
your mother insists you're a mauler?
you hit hard when you fight,
your fists flailing each night?
well, i'd say you're a bit of a brawler.""
"
"while a few like to drink bourbon neat,
others take it in cola?real sweet.
but me and my daughter
take ours with branch water:
mother nature's pure booze-mixing treat.
"
"the southern pacific, south line,
had a brakeman, a forebear of mine.
henrie birch was his name.
stopping trains was his fame?
now the ends of that line intertwine.
"
"when our fishery folks so astute
catch some female fresh fish they compute
the total amount
of eggs in the count
this fecundity's called absolute.
"
"i was made brevet captain today;
for how long, the old man wouldn't say.
although higher in rank,
there's no change at the bank:
captain's bars but lieutenant's low pay.
"
"the brain trust that runs our division
likes to manage by threat and derision.
they're the stockholder's whores
and they're planning new scores
while they screw us by corporate decision.
"
"think of hockey, but leave out the sticks.
find twelve people and get in the mix.
whack the ball with your broom
and score goals if there's room:
in broomball, expect to take licks.
"
"to cast bread on the waters: an old
way of saying your charity's bold.
and by giving this way
you may find out some day
unto you good returns seven-fold.
"
"those dems who have collars of brass
aren't easy to rattle with sass.
for they wear the same sign:
""vote the strict party line!""
seems the donkey makes each one an ass.
"
"they may have a dark purpose in mind;
or they're hatching a plot, or you find
they've got something to say
in a devious way?
axe to grind means they're scheming-inclined.
"
"if you're looking to find aguacate,
don't look where they make chocolate.
here's some help (a fresh tip):
avocados for dip!
so you won't find it added to mate.
"
"to breathe down one's neck means to lurk
close at hand and observe someone's work:
to cajole and accost
until patience is lost
and the victim screams, ""hey?back off, jerk!""
"
"the word birchite is one that one might
use describing some folks on the right.
mention birchism: speak
of the birchists to pique
such a torrent of left-leaning fright.
"
"i'm dating (and hope i might wed)
an athlete who swims for her bread.
i've asked her to try
my approach to the 'fly,
but she fancies my breaststroke instead.
"
"if you're fair, too much sun is a sin.
after years, tell-tale symptoms begin.
so you head to the clinic:
keratosis, actinic?
warty white crusty spots on your skin.
"
"i'm afraid that i'm going insane.
will a rubber room be my domain?
i'm scared i'll go mad
like my dear old granddad;
that's agateophobia's pain.
"
"i went to a race in bermuda:
picked a bobtailed young nag, barracuda.
with less hair on her end
she was first 'round the bend,
but fell back when she slipped in some doo-dah.
"
"when his biopic critics are makin'
in the future, some shots will be taken:
""his style was a sham.""
""an inveterate ham.""
""william shatner:  canadian bacon.""
"
"alexander thought tyre no trouble,
and, filling the sea up with rubble,
a causeway he built
and the tyrians killt?
leaving only his road and some stubble.
"
"kathy's bitchiness, which is routine,
makes her cattiness easily seen.
she's spiteful, malicious,
exceedingly vicious,
and back-stabbing, hair-pulling mean.
"
"a calvinist gardener grew
pretty tulips?select for the few.
colored tokens of grace
(god would save him a place):
depraved though he is, he'll get through.
"
"catch one's breath is a nice way of saying
as you lie on the grass after playing
('cause your lungs have an ache,
and you rest for their sake),
""till my pulse has recovered, i'm staying!""
"
"as sure as the last stretch was doable,
and the jerky we brought is unchewable,
the passage ahead
holds nothing to dread?
it's calm and completely canoeable.
"
"anoxaemia, altitude sickness,
affects one's good judgement and quickness.
the lead climber says, ""yo,
down the mountain you go!""
(and you can't blame the dude for his strictness.)
"
"when cattle let warble flies ride,
they lay eggs; maggots burrow inside.
then these cattle grubs feast
on the flesh of the beast,
often spoiling the meat and the hide.
"
"witch's charm, hocus-pocus or spell;
adroit mischief, a sham or a shell;
a trick that deceives,
or one's wallet relieves:
all these things are called cantrips as well.
"
"it may be i'm suffering shrekdom?
do things cancerously grow in my rectum?
my doc said, ""the answer
is polyps or cancer,
so lie on your side."" then he checked 'em.
"
"you're spreading this trash (i've the feeling).
your calumny's leaving me reeling.
how dare you besmirch
such a fine name as birch?
i borrowed those cars; that's not stealing.
"
"the nuns at the convent st. andling
sat in silence, inspecting by candling.
by the light through the shell
they could see very well
that their eggs were still fresh after handling.
"
"if she's listing to port in the dock,
i've got sealant in tubes here in stock.
just hold your gun steady,
and pump when you're ready,
and fill all her holes up with caulk.
"
"on the back of my lot there's a house.
it's quite small: barely room for a mouse.
in this private casita,
i keep my chiquita.
(my spouse doesn't know i'm a louse.)
"
"when people are reckoned cartoonish
their appearance is clownish or loonish,
or their manner is odd
and proportions of bod
are ridiculous, weird or buffoonish.
"
"anna plasty went out to her surgeon
and demanded to look like a sturgeon.
he demurred, ""i won't add
so much tissue?that's bad,""
and rejected her curious urgin'.
"
"spiro keats sat bucolically musing
o'er the length of the crook he was using
for prodding his sheep
and to save them from deep
scary cracks when their way they were losing.
"
"von ribbentropp's kinfolk were hunkered
in a hideout well-furnished and junkered;
the place was replete
with the prussian elite?
fearing bombs, and defensively bunkered.
"
"if your mind can effect relocation
of objects from station to station
(check my doctoral thesis
on psychokinesis),
that's anomalous (zap!) perturbation.
"
"take two pipes cut at ninety and held
in some clamps, then they're ready to meld.
fire up the new tig
or industrial mig,
and join tubes end-to-end: a butt weld.
"
"a butterfly valve has its uses:
(effective in chokes, not in nooses)
for controlling the flow
of the stuff that should go
through a carb, or a tube, or the sluices.
"
"it's a squabble: loud quarrel or brawl.
it's a binge: drinking beers 'til you sprawl.
it's an old irish name
and a singer of fame
and a film where the duke shoots 'em all.
"
"spiro keats, the greek athlete from crete,
did his personal best at a meet.
(dated twenty-one girls:
all with bangs, some with curls.)
he broad jumped, but did not compete.
"
"spiro keats, as a bushranging stranger,
roamed the outback just searching for danger.
like an outlaw of old,
he was grizzled and cold
and one hell of a home-on-the-ranger.
"
"acinetobacter germs are scelestic
and thrive in surroundings domestic:
don't fear penicillin,
love hospital chillin',
and plague the immunodeprestic.
"
"once the dark lord and sharkey for hours
would discuss their intense fear of flowers.
they were anthophobes both:
each one of them loath
to have blooms in the glooms neath their towers.
"
"at altamont raceway, the stones
had hells angels protecting their bones.
then the bikers, in rage,
killed a fan near the stage?
outdoor concerts were now combat zones.
"
"the brave browns had a touchdown called back;
electronics confirmed a clear sack.
(under article two,
upon further review)
replay service annulling the yac.
"
"fausto coppi?the best ever seen;
he could climb or just break away clean.
he was thin as a pike;
his bianchi-made bike
was celeste (heavenly) green.
"
"spiro keats is well-known as a bragger.
and humility??well, he's a lagger.
he's quite eager to boast
and a hoot at a roast
when he spouts off about his huge dagger.
"
"dr. preston just guessed in requestin'
some ancylostomiasis testin',
attestin' the pest in
my smaller intestine
is hookworms. (they're often clandestine.)
"
"authoritarianism
divides us and causes a schism.
all power to him
who can rule at his whim.
all my students should know this; i'll quiz 'em.
"
"i rule over all that i see.
despite any pitiful plea
from rubes i abhor,
i know that author-
itarianism's for me.
"
"through my chemistry classes i snoozed,
but there's one thing that kept me amused:
teacher said last semester
this thing called an ester?
it forms when an acid gets boozed.
"
"the authoritarian way
says that my word is law. now obey!
some will call me a bully,
opposing me fully,
but why should i care what they say?
"
"for wormwood i'm truly fanatical;
its acid is quite enigmatical.
absinthate's defined
by this acid combined
with a base or a positive radical.
"
"the word are means the same, don't you see,
whether rich, poor, or plain bourgeoisie?
whether urban or rural:
the third person plural
indicative form of to be.
"
"it's an animal?looks like a mule;
it's your butt or a pompous old fool;
and its slang application
bespeaks copulation.
you bet your sweet ass this word's cool.
"
"my verse has an anapest groove
and an ear-catching rhyme so that you've
got to give your attention.
(i guess i should mention
that approbate means to approve.)
"
"my anesthesiologist, jill,
has a useful and wonderful skill.
she will keep you pain-free
through your surgery, see?
but just wait till she sends you her bill.
"
"so my broker calls: ""scott, this is mike.
you bought calls at the fifty-five strike.
but the stock took a dive
till it hit fifty-five?
at-the-money?we'll hope for a spike.""
"
"as for anarchy, i'm no supporter,
since it lacks all political order.
but the government looks
like a bunch of rich crooks
and i'm tempted to run for the border.
"
"in blindness deceived, now deceased?
by regan and goneril fleeced.
their flattering lies
kept the truth from thine eyes,
but cordelia did not love thee least.
"
"the marxists are back; how i've missed 'em!
and they're looking for kids, to enlist 'em.
""we must share with these youths
anticapitalist truths
so they don't wind up trapped in your system.""
"
"my transsexual cousin named claude
said, ""the girls overseas would applaud
my new life as a beau.""
but then, what does he know?
cousin claude's never once been abroad.
"
"a karate aficionado
met up with a tough desperado.
he'd been actin' all that,
but his courage went flat,
so i guess it was only bravado.
"
"though the others would try to defy us,
i've found a new source to supply us
with news we can use
to confirm all our views,
since the other news pushes a bias.
"
"there's a glycerol diphosphatidyl
called cardiolipin; it's vital
in the wassermann test
for that syphilis pest,
while the syphilis still lounges idle.
"
"""the word aleuronic pertains
to a protein,"" the teacher explains,
""that commonly dwells
among endosperm cells
or in outermost layers of grains.""
"
"she was lovely, with eyes to bewitch
and a body that gave me the itch.
had me under her spell;
then she bid me farewell,
and she stole my cds?what a bitch!
"
"some may think that i should, in all deference,
name the source for my indirect reference.
when i angrily say,
""go ahead, make my day,""
just a simple allusion's my preference.
"
"for the plant buffs, a quick education:
acrocarpous suggests germination
where the fruit would extend
from the stalk at its end,
which is terminal fructification.
"
"in the course of a speech you digress
and, reflecting, directly address
a conceptual thing
like ""o death, where's your sting?""
your apostrophe shows your finesse.
"
"when omnipotence flows from my soul,
all the cosmos within my control,
all of heaven and earth
shall profess my great worth.
almightiness:  that is my goal.
"
"""what's an alkane?"" i'm asked by my son.
""it's a paraffin."" well, that was fun.
but i've still got to write
three more lines now in spite
of the fact that i'm already done.
"
"doctor jones noticed hookworms infestin'
a part of my smaller intestine:
it's ancylostomiasis.
damn, i could die o' this.
weak and anemic, i'm restin'.
"
"ascomycete's a fungus: by jove, a
few cells (ascogonium's ova)
with an ascomycetous-
type etiquette, greet us
as if we were jack casanova.
"
"when i called her a girl of gratuity,
it referred to her great promiscuity.
but she thought it referred
to her kindness of word.
i guess that's what you'd call ambiguity.
"
"i love words; i can't leave them alone.
moving letters, i make them my own.
and with this kind of change
to the ""amazon range""
i create my own ""anagram zone.""
"
"""i choose flour,"" said the chef, highfalutin,
""to bake babka for president putin.
if i only had my
aleurometer i
could pick one that has nyet too much gluten.""
"
"take these furs; they're the best of the lot.
they're the finest mink coats that i've got.
i'll give you a deal:
my associate, neil,
assures me this stuff isn't hot.
"
"""chupacabra!"" the farmers all yell?
screeching goat-sucking creature from hell!
glowing eyes, bat-like wings,
doing terrible things...
it has tendencies lethal and fell.
"
"ancient colchis, the end of the world
for the argonauts destiny's hurled
famous heroes of old:
led by jason the bold
as they sailed o'er the ocean so purled.
"
"cheiloplasty: making a tip
or enhancing a part of a lip
using neighboring tissues?
with surgical issues
involving a tuck and a nip.
"
"to staunch with a burn application
is an act that's called cauterization.
the blood cannot flow
past the burned spots and so
its use can stop exsanguination.
"
"brutalization's a useful technique
for getting a pipsqueak to speak.
or for changing a saint
into someone who ain't
all that shy about busting your beak.
"
"there's a reason all spin doctors feast
when the prez needs a war. find a beast
to degrade, bestialize,
make them filth in our eyes,
so we'll care for their souls not the least.
"
"two cowpokes rode bareback. the twain
later got off and rested. the rain
must have slickened their steeds,
'cause a slipp'ry stud leads
to tumbles, a broke back, or sprain.
"
"below decks when the boat flipped and trapped her,
all the crap tossed and pummeled and rapped her.
when she fell, her big head
got stuck fast 'neath the bed:
so when capsized, her cap size had capped her.
"
"bodysurfers who live on the edge,
come to newport beach: tackle the wedge.
unless you're the best
and are up to the test,
you'll get worked and you'll end up a veg!
"
"the lad's coat of arms, when revealed,
showed a border surrounding the field.
it's a bold shade of green
(the bordure, i mean).
it's a fifth of the width of the shield.
"
"my bibulous uncle geppetto
can handle his aged amaretto,
but tonight drinking whisky
he got kinda frisky,
then stood up to sing rigoletto.
"
"in denmark, the prince wasn't seeing
any purpose in fighting nor fleeing,
so hamlet, embittered
and hopeless, considered
an end, by his hand, to his being.
"
"often radiant energy (light)
brings a chemical change into sight;
photographic emulsion
will drive the compulsion
of actino-chemistry's flight.
"
"acoustic pressure is all about sound?
pressure changes when sound moves around.
(here's a pressure refresher:
pascals measure pressure
as melons are measured by pound.)
"
"you're aware of his slack disposition,
yet you're paying his med-school tuition!
a physician? you're wishin'!
he lacks the ambition.
aim lower.  i'm thinking musician.
"
"macbeth would have duncan's position,
spilling blood for his vaulting ambition.
the sound of the bell
is, for duncan, a knell.
fear macduff, though; the thane holds suspicion.
"
"""she's a woman; she's not a possession.
give her dreams your support, not suppression.""
dad's admonitive words
were, i thought, for the birds,
till she left.  now i rue my transgression.
"
"accelerated (fast) hypertension:
your blood pressure needs intervention.
its precipitous rise
hits your kidneys and eyes,
as your blood vessels voice their dissension.
"
"michael's poems are painful to see.
an oedilfer's antithesis, he;
for he starts them with 'tis,
thinks iamb means he is,
and he swears that baguette rhymes with flea.
"
"there is one thing that all people share,
humble beggar to great millionaire.
when it comes down to breath
for avoidance of death,
there quite simply ain't no topping air.
"
"your albumin is what you secrete
so your blood remains fluid-replete.
if your count gets too low,
to the doctor you'll go,
or you'll wind up with big swollen feet.
"
"there are so many writers today
making money from age-old clich?
but in my antinovel
the hero will grovel,
rejecting the old-fashioned way.
"
"so i wake up in southern rhodesia,
feeling groggy from much anesthesia.
can't remember my name
and don't know who's to blame
for my headache and total amnesia.
"
"aboriginality speaks of a man
who was there from the day time began.
but you'd think it would mean
that his belly was lean
from a clever new exercise plan.
"
"my aunt anna, the anapest jester,
authored metrical rhyme.  none could best her.
ere one syllable hard,
came two soft from the bard:
""pleased to meet you. my name's anna pester.""
"
"the word aeronautical rings
of a skill with propellers or wings.
it refers to production?
design and construction?
of aircraft or high-flying things.
"
"when a cell decays, things rearrange,
like the nitrogen compounds; it's strange?
to ammonia they're turned;
that's what science has learned
of ammonification's exchange.
"
"by authority it has been backed
and been given approval to act.
this accredited college
can teach me its knowledge,
but still i will question each fact.
"
"for a cook who would like to amaze
and to earn admiration or praise:
try a sauce with some zing;
french aioli's the thing.
it's a garlicky, rich mayonnaise.
"
"my friend jennifer gets all the action?
twice her share of the sweet satisfaction.
why's it doubled for jen?
she dates women and men:
a bisexual kind of attraction.
"
"doctor jones made a joke to relax us.
""how the axisymmetric attracts us!""
then this doctor (obstetric)
said, ""look, she's symmetric,
that is, with respect to an axis.""
"
"atmolysis ? this is the act
or the process by which i extract
a gas from a gas;
at diverse rates they pass
through a plate. that's a little known fact.
"
"unconscious or blind inclination
toward beliefs without verification?
one-sided perspective
is rarely reflective:
our bias defies cogitation.
"
"in the mind is it nobler to die?
or to fight without questioning why?
should i face my life's lot?
should i be, should i not?
that's the question; check all that apply.
"
"goliath was meaner and ruder.
young david was smaller but shrewder.
said the king's attach?,
""call up henry and say,
'affidavid has need of a tudor.'""
"
"what's an alkane? i'll give you a clue:
hydrocarbon.  need more? this'll do:
open chain (aliphatic),
and non-aromatic,
and cnh2n+2.
"
"abolitionism: that is our creed.
on enslavement we all have agreed
it's a god-given right
to be free from that plight:
every person in chains should be freed.
"
"a steakhouse called porter and son
has been merged with the bookstore i run.
we make money like crooks
with our stake in rare books.
the amalgamator's job was well done.
"
"what she said made my ego inflate!
""i've had thoughts of your body of late.""
an ambiguous dig,
it referred to her gig
as a coroner, not as my mate.
"
"at the strip shack they put up a plaque
for their girls, who provide where there's lack.
take grace for example:
her charity's ample?
she'd give you the shirt off her back.
"
"when the mollusks of tethys come greet you,
you're surprised by the way that they treat you.
these ink-squirting creatures
with colorful features
say, ""hi, it's aplysia to meet you.""
"
"""when an acid alginic's converted
to its ester or salt,"" i asserted,
""that's an alginate, yes?""
but it failed to impress;
then she said i was dumb, and that hurted.
"
"""lovely cleavage aligned with the base.""
such a phrase got me slapped in the face.
""the acrotomous cut
of the rock!"" i said, but
she had already pulled out her mace!
"
"from new york, an italian signore
headed northward in search of amore.
here in canada's chill
he found love; better still:
he found beer, he found hockey and more, eh?
"
"""cousin bob, you'd do well with some centering.""
unresponsive, he scoffed at my mentoring.
in the end cousin bob
and his burgling mob
did a nickel for breaking and entering.
"
"two goths down in south transylvania
with acute cacodemonomania
now are under arrest,
but they swear they're possessed
by a devil at large in their crania.
"
"""it's a simple request you should grant,""
says my wife as the valkyries chant.
hey, i bought her a sable,
but this?  i'm unable.
(she wants me to smile, but i can't.)
"
"my customers tell me i'm gabby,
but it's fun and the pay's not too shabby.
i may drive like i'm blind?
scare you out of your mind?
but it's part of the grind; i'm a cabbie.
"
"young boudreaux, he works as a waiter
in n'awlins, and what could be greater?
free food that's just ragin'
with spices.  he's cajun?
part anglo, part french, and part gator.
"
"in december, the season adventual,
she said, ""check out these stockings"" (she meant yule).
it seemed fair to infer
she'd meant those worn by her,
so what happened, i thought, was consensual.
"
"three-breasted, leann's in demand;
in her bosom's one more than god planned.
a vodka martini
removed her bikini?
hey! only the middle one's tanned!
"
"""for an alkali, dad,"" said the daughter,
with the chemistry set that he'd bought her,
""taking sodium rocks i'd
create a hydroxide,
dissolving the whole thing in water.""
"
"a shoot of bamboo is incredible.
if you slice it and cook it, it's edible.
once it's grown, build a boat
and away you can float
from your life if your wife is unbeddable.
"
"butcher danny has such a dumb clerk.
backing into the grinder, this jerk
jumped away with a scream.
butcher dan, it would seem,
got a little behind in his work.
"
"the quarterback's calling it quits
'cause his linemen and backs are the pits.
""the safeties surround me,
the linebackers pound me?
my blockers can't pick up the blitz!""
"
"with a market that's rising to drive stock,
let's pick that about-to-arrive stock.
buy low and sell high
when a bull market's nigh.
(no, it isn't a place to buy livestock.)
"
"had to kill her; she'd driven me mad!
desdemona?so easily had!
what a two-timing bitch,
scratching cassio's itch?
oh, she didn't?  ...uh... sorry.  my bad.
"
"ere i kill her i kiss her tonight,
though her kiss is but treachery's bite.
if she lives she'll betray
other men the same way.
put the light out and put out the light.
"
"""for control,"" my instructor insists,
""hold the club in your fingers, not fists.
if the club gets too high
in your hand, say goodbye
to the ball 'cause you can't break your wrists.""
"
"got the news, in a flash i'd begun.
selling stock, taking cash, now i'm done.
getting rid of this trash
'fore the sucker can crash!
want to build your own stash?  beat the gun.
"
"what a girl, that three-breasted monique!
what a quirk in her upper physique!
oh, i tried not to stare,
but the girl's got a spare,
and i'd give both my eyes for a peek.
"
"three-breasted, aunt edna's unique,
with one more of the treasures men seek.
uncle charles gave a laugh,
""she's a thrill and a half.""
charlie slept on my couch for a week.
"
"""on my uncle, my wrath i'll exact.""
it was then hamlet should have attacked.
now to further delay
he's directing a play!
hamlet waits in the wings; he should act.
"
"the rumor is hot, so let's bruit it?
no time to confirm or refute it.
though maybe it's truthless,
the grapevine is ruthless;
we got us some bull?gonna shoot it.
"
"i've a taste for the purely aesthetical.
with varied procedures cosmetical,
i've become better looking?
no reading, no cooking.
for him, my appeal?  silhouettical!
"
"her e-mail said, ""come drink some beer,
get a meal, and have fun over here
in my new brasserie.""
i was quick to agree
'cause i thought she'd mistyped ""new brassiere.""
"
"my cousin, a trader named stephen,
plays the stocks that investors believe in.
but it's like playing poker?
he's richer, then broker.
he loses, he wins, he breaks even.
"
"lovely anna, invading my slumber,
whom no inhibitions encumber:
she said i could call?
didn't mean it at all!
anna nimmety gave the wrong number.
"
"near my flat lived a cat i called herman.
had an accent?it might have been german
(with inflections obscure),
but i couldn't be sure.
where he came from i couldn't determine.
"
"i don't get it; p/es are too high,
but the market's en route to the sky.
why so bullish?  who knows?
but we're way off the lows
and still rising?you might as well buy.
"
"two parts silicon. oxygen six.
that makes silicate, which we can mix
with aluminum; throw
in potassium. so
we make amphigene (leucite) for kicks.
"
"hey, what's with the bears and their selling?
the guys in the pits are all yelling.
the drop's been severe,
with the bears smelling fear,
and the reasons to fear are compelling.
"
"here's the bid price, at which you can sell.
want to buy? here's an asked price as well.
(and the spread in between
kept me rolling in green;
didn't matter if stocks rose or fell.)
"
"the stock was the talk of the town
till you bought; then it fell from renown.
take my simple advice
and your mean per-share price
will decrease: buy some more; average down.
"
"the a/d line is starting to rise.
all the bulls, hungry looks in their eyes,
now begin to pursue
'cause decliners are few
and advancers are taking the prize.
"
"the breadth of the market is showing
that the rally is finally slowing.
less green and more red
signals trouble ahead;
if you're long now, it's time to be going.
"
"bobby's bearish; he told me to sell.
said the market's all goin' to hell.
so i took his advice:
i went short?rolled the dice.
to my house i'm now bidding farewell.
"
"stocks are up and the market is flyin'.
gotta cover?there ain't no denyin':
we were short; we were wrong.
guess we shoulda been long
'cause the bulls are in town, and they're buyin'.
"
"trusting motives whenever he can,
he's deceived by a treacherous plan:
""not our stars but ourselves,""
into darkness he delves?
exit brutus: an hon'rable man.
"
"he's for a - n - t - i - (can't suppress him)
d - i - s - (he can spell though, god bless him)
then e - s - t - a -  b -
l - i - s - h - m - e -
n - t - a - r - i - a - n - i - s-m.
"
"there's a resin that's used to make paint
and adhesives.  my only complaint?
they took alkyl and joined
it with acid and coined
the word alkyd:  poetic it ain't.
"
"whenever young fern gets the chance,
she buys more of these flowerless plants.
she explains how they grow,
""they're acrogenous, so
from the tips of their stems they advance.""
"
"acrocarpus: a genus of trees.
and just where can you find some of these?
indonesia, malaysia,
and elsewhere in asia.
it's used to make boxes for teas.
"
"such a gull, such a dolt, dumb as dirt!
what a deed you have done to subvert
and belie and devour:
you lack half the power
to harm as i have to be hurt.
"
"we could all use the meat, and our mayor would
like a slaughterhouse here that would stay for good.
his council he's heeded;
an abattoir's needed,
but not, let me add, in my neighborhood!
"
"with delusions phencyclidine hit me.
coulda sworn they were all out to git me.
but i've learned to adjust
when i use angel dust?
holy smokes! that big unicorn bit me!
"
"i am writing to tell you good-bye.
on phencyclidine, i've found that i
come apart at the seams
in my angel dust dreams,
and this note's just in case i can't fly.
"
"acrimony: sharp animosity,
as expressed in a speech with ferocity.
but we ought to be kind,
simply keeping in mind
that the world tends to seek reciprocity.
"
"""nine o'clock's when we killed mr. snell.""
""no, my dear, it was eight when he fell.""
""now the body won't fit?
chop it up, and let's split.""
""ah yes, i dismember it well.""
"
"that's my masterpiece; stop throwing darts.
it's much more than the sum of its parts.
so please put down that can;
it says a.r.a., man:
from the royal acad'my of arts.
"
"brown bagging at lunch to save money,
spiro keats brought in locusts and honey;
said, ""i totally dig
my new baptizing gig?
don't ya think leather loincloths look funny?""
"
"some enzymes improve a sperm's clime
for drilling an egg?it's no crime.
acrosomal, this juice
makes a nice little sluice
so the worm quickly squirms through in time.
"
"a hypertense fatty named fazim
was struck by an angiospasm:
an arterial pinch.
he was shy just an inch
of a fall into death's yawning chasm.
"
"there was conan, dark hero of howard,
who was bowelless in war?not a coward.
this consummate thief
showed no pity or grief
as he pillaged and robbed and devoured.
"
"see that chick in the jag? what a witch!
there just ain't any bitchier bitch.
and she bitchily knows
that her bitchiness shows,
'cause she just ran me into a ditch!
"
"this cold has the crew feeling funky.
they hear sounds that are heavy and clunky.
""watch yer feet,"" someone calls,
""'cause those big iron balls
for the cannon froze off the brass monkey.""
"
"blaxploitation films always made money.
they were action-packed, biting, and funny.
film some black baaaaaad-assed folks
and some mean whitey-jokes,
making sure to include a fine honey.
"
"tonight at el gallo's they're betting
against me?what odds i am getting!
but this cockfight i'll win
with sharp gaffs cut from tin:
the floor with his blood i'll be wetting.
"
"the surgeon has done you a service.
did the breast implant work make you nervous?
oh, the wonders of plastic:
your boobs are fantastic!
remind me to thank doctor purvis.
"
"crisis management might be your call:
you fix meltdowns and mayhem forestall.
others see far ahead,
put small problems to bed?
almost never have crises at all.
"
"joe spends ten hours a day at the gym.
this surely must enervate him,
but the wedge shape he's honing
will have the chicks moaning
should he muster the strength for a swim.
"
"ephedra can help you lose weight,
give you jitters that just won't abate,
put such strain on your heart
that it stops and won't start;
then your friends will describe you as ""late.""
"
"i looked at the credit card statement,
and i knew that ""past due"" by the date meant
higher interest?my rate
has surpassed thirty-eight!
this is chevisance. i need abatement.
"
"for the kissing disease of some fame,
we've the epstein-barr virus to blame.
but chronic fatigue
is out of its league,
that syndrome's cause isn't the same.
"
"you are highly allergic to bees?
had a stinging encounter with these?
epinephrine just might
be the drug that is right
to restore you to breathing with ease.
"
"your brain, while you use thc,
biochemically altered will be.
though you staunchly maintain
there's no need to abstain,
you're impaired?you're a dysfunctionee!
"
"now, caltha's a genus of ten
common species you'll find in a fen
or a marsh or a ditch,
one example of which
is the meadow bright here in this glen.
"
"her shy swain she'd embrave or embolden:
make him fearless like knights from days olden.
she taught him to fence,
with the practice intense.
now he's bruised, black and blue, but he's golden.
"
"to a biker-bar brawl off route 10
came two brash but untested young men
who engaged in the fray
in an educative way:
they learned not to do it again.
"
"""this is ice plant,"" called out my aunt erma.
""see it growing right here on the berm, a
plant with blooms yellow, pink,
or magenta, i think.
it's a succulent called delosperma.""
"
"lovely succulent there, i took pics;
didn't know what it was; that i'd fix.
bell-shaped flowers were red,
and the source i checked said:
echeveria ? called ""hens and chicks.""
"
"the large flowers we call cup of gold
are leathery, striking and bold.
purple veined, somewhat fragrant,
where invasive, they're flagrant:
some don't like them at all, so i'm told.
"
"long used to help treat hbp,
these blockers called beta i see
this am in the news:
some docs might soon use
them to lower the risk of ad.
"
"carpobrotus is one type of ice plant;
it's a succulent some think a nice plant.
but my daughter just hates it ?
""you're a weed,"" she berates it.
""you're a rip-it-all-out-in-a-trice plant.""
"
"christmas shearwater's this seabird's name.
being shy, it has not garnered fame.
in hawaii it's best
found on isles northwest.
males and females, in looks, are the same.
"
"in alaska they lay eggs in may,
which should hatch by the twenty-fifth day.
and these curlews aren't fools;
they can use rocks as tools.
by late august they've all flown away.
"
"lance armstrong was hailed as the best,
denied doping and passed every test.
now it seems that he lied,
all the drug rules defied,
and what's more, he coerced all the rest.
"
"this planet goes round a far sun;
yes, it orbits that star just like one
of our own planets, here,
orbits our sun, my dear.
i've defined exoplanet; i'm done.
"
"in the stream our dad's casting for trout
for our lunch; we can't help, so we pout.
how long has it been? it's
five fish in ten minutes!
start the campfire; we're picnicking out.
"
"a call is a useful device
to buy stock at a specified price,
before expiration,
with no obligation
to buy if the market ain't nice.
"
"whether soup or some peas that are canned,
or some lotion that helps you look tanned,
i won't buy the cheaper
generics. the steeper
stuff's worth it because of the brand.
"
"i broke in just to steal jenny's guns.
hubby bob threw me out on my buns.
when you burglarize houses,
watch out for the spouses:
perhaps i'll start stealing from nuns.
"
"i was thinking we'd jump into bed;
she had ""pictured my body,"" she'd said.
an ambiguous word,
it seems body referred
to the fact that she wished i was dead.
"
"i collect arthur's writings, but tend
to feel shame at the words of my friend.
so, disturbed, i apologize
while i anthologize:
art never meant to offend.
"
"""you must alkalinize,"" he would cry,
""to get over a bad uti.""
then he'd pound on his podium,
""citrate of sodium
sends your ph to the sky!""
"
"at the precinct, i stopped up the flow on
all the urinals, toilets, and so on.
but they've none to accuse
as i left them no clues,
and the cops have got nothing to go on.
"
"armed with ""facts,"" mr. tenet would stress:
""there's a threat we must quickly address.
send the troops, let's attack
like a storm through iraq.""
was it counterintelligence?  yes!
"
"when i woke up this morning, the news
that you'd gone hit me hard ? left a bruise.
you abandoned me, honey ?
took all of my money,
and now all i got is the blues.
"
"my command is a mandate from god.
defy me?  i'll send out a squad
of troops who'll maintain
my a baculo reign:
i'm ruling by means of the rod.
"
"chlorpromazine, first  in its class,
older treatments was quick to surpass.
from the wards disenrolled
with their symptoms controlled,
schizophrenics were discharged en masse.
"
"it's a rash some call grover's disease,
though it's not diagnosed with much ease.
treat with creams for two years
(takes a while till it clears).
your insurance should cover the fees.
"
"commuter traffic here in la:
more than five million drive every day.
though our companies feed us
information to lead us
to buses or trains, cars hold sway.
"
"i made the best time i could make
as i fled from this braid-patterned snake.
long and thin, it resembled
a coachwhip. i trembled;
but the tales 'bout it chasing folks? fake.
"
"equilateral's the name we attach
when a triangle's angles all match.
what also is true:
it has equal sides too.
there you have it?there's really no catch.
"
"these small, pink-striped flowers are found
in dune slacks and moist, peaty ground.
they, at one time not rare,
now just grow here and there,
but in devonshire bogs they abound.
"
"my gem-studded, blue, opalescent,
antique glass epergne is fluorescent.
from the banquet hall table
its branches are able
to claim admiration incessant.
"
"ephemerids (mayflies) don't stay;
when mature, they live maybe a day.
but as nymphs they are here
a few months or a year;
yes, as naiads, they eat, drink, and play.
"
"i obtained a conventional loan?
no va, fha?on my own.
put down twenty percent;
eighty grand i was lent.
'twas to buy a small house i'd been shown.
"
"the  comfortableness of your couch:
it's a joke, as we all can avouch.
it's the old broken springs?
yes, those sharp, wiry things,
that have pierced our posteriors?ouch!
"
"when the vikings sailed off on their way,
the sun helped to guide them by day.
the sun couldn't be seen?
on their sunstone they'd lean.
it's what kept them from going astray.
"
"citrus greening's one dreadful disease;
worldwide it's killed millions of trees.
fruits turn bitter as hell,
get misshapen as well:
and stopping it sure is no breeze.
"
"what are psyllids? they're bugs that are wee,
which bacteria vectors can be.
yellow dragon disease
they will spread as they please:
this disease has killed many a tree.
"
"my geraniums here in ca
host a hummingbird visit each day.
from my window i see
her arrive around three,
dart about, then fly off on her way.
"
"this decayer of wood that i've got
on my birch tree is making it rot:
turns wood yellow, then red,
makes it brittle, then dead,
as it weakens this tree on my lot.
"
"damn their congruence, causing me shame:
i call each by the other one's name.
they're my nephews; each brother
looks just like the other ?
that excuse, to their mother, is lame.
"
"decomposers make things decompose,
or decay; some examples of those:
fungi, woodlice, and worms,
soil microbes, or germs,
and the termites that cause us such woes.
"
"there are life forms we know are carnivorous,
while others are strictly herbivorous.
those that break down and eat
decayed plants, rotting meat,
and/or feces, we call detritivorous.
"
"it's related to wandering jew
and all other spiderworts too.
i gave water and shade,
lots of food, and it made
spikes of blooms with a purple-blue hue.
"
"we're celosia, yes that is our genus;
we've furry, spiked blooms ? have you seen us?
pink or purplish are we
and quite striking to see!
yet i hear there are those who demean us.
"
"she was diffident: timid and shy.
and she blushed as i brushed her fair thigh.
i said, ""give it a whirl.""
""i'm not that kind of girl!""
""not a problem?i'm that kind of guy.""
"
"in and out of the bathroom all night.
diarrhea: my stomach's not right.
all i ate was a frito,
and then a dorito:
two chips that had passed in the night.
"
"for the options you bought in that block,
check the greeks; i've just worked up a mock.
what does delta project?
change in price with respect
to a change in the price of the stock.
"
"selling calls against stocks i've selected
(and i buy the stocks too), i've perfected
my plan.  if it dies,
keep the cash; should it rise,
then i've covered my call?it's protected.
"
"hero's dead because claudio spurned her.
he'd believed certain lies that concerned her.
it was said she's untrue,
and it killed her!  on cue,
from the dead leonato returned her.
"
"should i worry?  my wife wrote this story
of a feminist heroine, tori.
tori's enemy's name
and my own are the same.
this antagonist's end is quite gory!
"
"""hero's dead, and by claudio's hand?""
john the bastard had fiendishly planned
accusations untrue.
it was all much ado
about nothing.  the wedding was grand!
"
"bought some calls, an emotional buy.
rate of change:  five-to-one.   i could cry.
so twenty's my delta.
while buying i felt a
quick twitch in my jittery eye.
"
"i'm just sittin' there readin' antigone,
when she gives me this look, like she's diggin' me,
but i'm saying maybe,
cuz jane wants a baby.
it ain't for romance, but amphigony.
"
"hero's dead.  it was claudio's doing,
her unfaithfulness framed for his viewing.
it's a lie, she's alive?
it comes out in act five?
a contrivance the friar'd been brewing.
"
"enormous is huge, not just large.
some would say it means ""big as a barge.""
it depicts a dimension
far exceeding my pension;
it also describes my aunt marge.
"
"on a tree trunk the lady is dancing;
lovely orchid, she's bobbing and prancing.
this gal's epiphytic,
no, not parasitic.
delightful, she's truly entrancing.
"
"emulsifying agents will blend
two immiscible liquids to end
separation of oil,
which would certainly spoil
all the smooth-as-silk creams we commend.
"
"this hat's cordovan colored: dark rose,
or oxblood, just like these new hose.
it's the shade of my jacket
(the suede with the placket),
which matches the zit on my nose.
"
"my mom has a strainer for canning
that this thanksgiving eve she'll be manning.
the cooked apples squish through
with some cranberries too,
to make sauce for the dinner we're planning.
"
"i've read books that attempt to portray
the din? ? their culture today ?
as their tribe's police solve
big rez crimes that involve
those who stray from the navajo way.
"
"i see davidson's penstemon here,
by this steep, rocky trail up rainier.
blooms of one inch or two
are a lavender blue,
and the leaves remain green the whole year.
"
"through the streets of la it is moving;
tv news shows that folks are approving.
it crossed route 405
late last night; i watched live?
on the shuttle endeavour we're grooving.
"
"strontium-90 in milk isn't nice,
as my mother remarked once or twice.
hearing chocolate's got lead
has caused me some dread;
but what's worse, now there's arsenic in rice.
"
"what's a crow blackbird? that is a grackle.
iridescently hued, these birds cackle,
and will gobble a crop,
make the harvest a flop?
it's a problem for farmers to tackle.
"
"daddy darwin's frog swallows his young;
keeps them safe till they've reached the next rung.
in his vocal sac's where
they remain, and when they're
not still tadpoles, but froglets, they're sprung.
"
"the chef known as tony bourdain
has made much of the world his domain.
from brazil to beirut
his cameramen shoot:
food, drink, culture, frank talk entertain.
"
"on cold nights it is flannel fay favors;
the soft, fine-napped fabric fay savors.
when hot, she'll choose silk:
skimpy jams of that ilk,
but her beau prefers nothing?fay wavers.
"
"don't be flippant, son; that i won't stand,
and i'll show you the back of my hand.
stop the jokes; show respect,
or i'll see you decked,
and flat on your backside you'll land.
"
"a flagstone's a flat piece of shale
or of sandstone. these slabs never fail
to make a great floor
or a path to your door.
for my patio, earth tones prevail.
"
"for twenty-some years these two guys
gave advice about cars, cracking wise,
on car talk, their show.
tom is gone now, you know.
don't remind me how quickly time flies.
"
"""these fossilized bones, a big haul,
are making t. rex appear small,""
the prof said to bonnie.
""here's dreadnoughtus schrani;
its femur alone's six feet tall.""
"
"in tehran, needy cy found a way
to get cash, save a life, the same day.
on his flank, there's a scar,
and he drives a new car.
sell a kidney: win-win, some would say.
"
"uncle bill used to tease auntie may;
there'd be some different reason each day.
 ""with your belt pulled so tight,
you look vain; that ain't right.""
then he'd watch her flounce hotly away.
"
"grandma fay was thought easy to fluster
(confuse), but her courage she'd muster;
she'd shout to her teaser
(a ruthless old geezer),
""quit trying to flummox me, buster!""
"
"with chloramine we can be sure
that a potable state will endure
in the water we drink,
for we'd all like to think
that what flows from the tap's clean and pure.
"
"in the dry chaparral of the west,
these mauve-flowered mallows grow best.
morning dew's moisture cleaves
to the fuzz on their leaves.
they resist fire and drought?i'm impressed.
"
"argentina's one place you might find
some peccaries: chacoan in kind.
these wild pig-like creatures,
unique in their features,
are endangered. please keep that in mind.
"
"on sundays i used to play gin
(though my auntie said that was a sin).
when playing my honey,
i'd always win money;
he'd bawl, beat the wall, make a din.
"
"with triglycerides way off the chart,	
and hdl low, you might start
on clofibrate, a med
that physicians have said
is a drug that just may save your heart.
"
"he decided one day, on a lark,
a large part of his grounds to empark
with some swings and some slides,
and some animal rides,
that a fence all around would demark.
"
"in masses of work he's been mired,
and he fears that he soon might be fired.
the economy's slow,
with some colleagues let go?
he's enervate: exhausted, plum tired.
"
"now butterfly orchid's a name
that a great many species can claim.
greatly varied in hue,
brightly colored, it's true
all are lovely, though none look the same.
"
"pinnatifid fronds?take a look!
this is bristle fern, shown in this book.
epiphytic on trees,
as one frequently sees;
but this one's by moss near a brook.
"
"with his vehicle stuck, things seemed dire,
so he thought it was best to enquire
of the next passing gent
if a hand could be lent
to push his car out of the mire.
"
"""corpuscule?d'you dunces here know
this word's meaning? who'll give it a go?""
""in your blood, it's a cell;
it's a proton, or, well,
some wee particle."" ""right, joe. don't crow!""
"
"""drunk again?"" said the doc to mcgee,
""but a teetotal future you see?
then clorazepate might
be a help in your fight:
with this drug you will not get dt.""
"
"my young sister was finicky: she
was particular to a degree,
eating nothing but treats
such as lobster or sweets.
she outgrew this; she's fit as can be.
"
"drought tolerant plants, i am told,
should be favored these days, and i'm sold.
in this water-poor state
i see green lawns abate
as more folks put their sprinklers on hold.
"
"""stop the car,"" mama cried. ""i can see
wild watercress there, growing free.
lots of cress plant we'll take
from this stream, and i'll make
us some wonderful treats for our tea.""
"
"costa's body is gray, white and green.
head and neck? vibrant purple with sheen.
but unless, in the light,
he is facing just right,
his head's black; there is no purple seen.
"
"gm recalls cars, quite a lot,
to fix defects these autos have got.
they're recalling so many
that ma said to kenny,
""just tell me which cars they are not.""
"
"""what's a cryptopine, lee? secret tree?""
""no, an opium alkaloid, see?""
""would i get a nice high
if i gave it a try?""
""nah, it's toxic; you'd best leave it be.""
"
"joey fingered big lou as the one
who shot johnny six times with his gun.
snitched him out: ""louie did it;
the goon never hid it.""
now joey lives life on the run.
"
"we all filter our tap water here;
it's that danged tce that we fear.
the right kind of device
assures water that's nice.
it's not pure just because it looks clear.
"
"these anoles will find their way back
to their home; they do not get off track.
no one knows how they do it,
but if you have a clue it
might remedy this knowledge lack.
"
"""my sheep's flatulence shocks. i'm aghast,
and they're bound: not one stool have they passed.
what's the problem here, doc?""
""i'm afraid that your flock
has come down with a bad case of blast.""
"
"though it may, or may not, pose a smell,
acid gas should not be where folks dwell.
co2, h2s:
of these two, we need less;
let us sweeten this well product well.
"
"""my tot's dentizing, doc, cries all day!""
""my dear, do not fear. i will say
it's the same for most mums.
daily, rub his pink gums;
soon there'll be some small teeth to display.""
"
"the small chickadees sound the alarm
that will keep other birds safe from harm.
now some squirrels, it's found,
can mimic the sound,
and the raptors, in this way, disarm.
"
"said the driver who dented my fender
 and succeeded to quite badly bend 'er,
 ""this fender-bender dent
 will not cost you a cent.
 i am guilty, madame. i will mend 'er.""
"
"being sure that the river was fordable,
jim eschewed the small ferry (quite boardable);
but the swift current, swirling,
sent poor jimmy hurling.
the times found his rescue recordable.
"
"it's called cardboarding ? see the display?
she creates chairs and lamps in this way,
using cardboard, and, yes,
makes tv stands.  i guess
you're surprised. i was too, i must say!
"
"""it's an elf owl, this sparrow-sized bird,
whose whinny and chuckle we heard
in that thick chaparral
(a favored locale).
now, in fear, it feigns death."" ""oh, my word!""
"
"the verse you have written is strong,
but the formatting? that you've got wrong.
the two b-lines,
i see, you have
written as three.
so your limerick's one line too long.
"
"""just sit still now; let's not have a clinch.
this won't hurt much, so try not to flinch.
my short needle's an inch;
you'll just feel a small pinch.
now i'm done."" ""thank you, nurse! what a cinch!""
"
"cia employees are plain mad!
the food that they're served is just bad:
the ""jazz salad,"" one said,
had no grapes, but instead,
it had cherry tomatoes. egad!
"
"being late, he maneuvered avertively,
sneaking into his cubicle furtively?
""i know it's inane,
but our boss is a pain
in the butt,"" tom said very assertively.
"
"""it's a cyanotoxin,"" said leary,
""that poisoned the great lake of erie:
not the whole, but the part
near toledo. the start
of disaster to come? that's a theory.""
"
"a fomite?  well, that's just a thing,
inanimate, see, like the ring
that you have on your finger,
which allows germs to linger,
and can spread them to peasant or king.
"
"""i was?figuratively speaking?just dyin'
of hunger. so why're you still cryin'?""
jane sniffled, ""?'cause, pete,
when you said you could eat
a whole horse, i di'n't think you meant brian.""
"
"we heard mom shriek, ""for crying out loud!""
in the voice with which she was endowed.
we knew her frustration,
impatience, vexation
would keep us (a sec or two) cowed.
"
"i said, ""filo's a type of a dough
we can stretch into sheets, thin, like so,
for delish baklava.""
""and it's used,"" piped up pa,
""in a lot of greek dishes, you know.""
"
"phil's fiduciary duty is done:
he has managed the trust for his son.
all investments were sound,
and what's more, it was found
there'd been no double dealings, not one.
"
"""can i borrow a finsky, a fin?""
queried jake of his neighbor, miss flynn.
""could you spot me five bucks?
i ain't ate, and it sucks;
and i cain't get no help from my kin.""
"
"behold the most ripe avocado:	
its nature is sometimes like lotto.
once its rough skin you peel,
what will it reveal?
it's the pits if the inside is rotto.
"
"of impssbly 'brvtd words,
advt's reduced by two-thirds.
it means ""advertisement.""
take under advisement:
pronouncing it's just for the birds.
"
"a type of herbivorous mammal
that grazes with teeth of enamel
is artiodactyl,
with toes matched and tactile?
like bison, impala, or camel.
"
"a highlander living in style
liked socks knit in patterns argyle.
for this diamond-based plaid
he would simply go mad,
leaving solids and stripes in a pile.
"
"in the fall we find fading gets faster
for all but the flowers of aster.
in bold color they're draped
as they grow daisy-shaped;
their designer is truly a master.
"
"an archer who's not the best aimer,
if wise, will design a disclaimer,
in case that his arrow
should pierce a peer's marrow,
so's not to be labeled a maimer.
"
"they say that it's all in the gene?
your character, heart, liver, spleen.
thus some traits allelic
could make you angelic,
while others could render you mean.
"
"p-king into tomato-e goop,
d-minutive letters did group.
i ladled a measure
to c, with great pleasure,
it spelled the words ""alphabet soup.""
"
"the quite punctuational asterisk*
aids readers in learning facts faster?whisk
your eyes down the text
to the reference that's next;
*you must read the fine print, or disaster risk.
"
"a warm-weather fete, fair, or festival
are summertime gatherings aestival.
so's eating a peach,
long walks on the beach,
and outdoor soirees where guests dress t'kill.
"
"with agraphia agatha's cursed;
since writing, for her, can't be nursed.
all thoughts meant for paper,
uncaught, just escape her;
composing cannot be coerced.
"
"if a food comes with kernels bodacious,
tiny grains grown internally spacious,
or seeds you can scrape
(like a kiwi or grape)
then you know that your fruit's acinaceous.
"
"when your body receives anaesthetic,
you enter a slumber synthetic.
it's a darn good thing, too;
if the docs call ""code blue!""
you'll be spared all that action frenetic.
"
"look inside abalone, unfurled:
lustrous colors from out of this world!
this sheer iridescence
reveals its clear essence
because it's been mother-of-pearled.
"
"a volcano that's active in italy,
or insurance when life goes unprettily.
under mud, flood, or flame,
these two aetnas will claim
total coverage when things turn out grittily.
"
"in this era of terror and panic,
when our government often acts manic,
keep awareness on high
and not just for a spy?
watch for leaders who turn messianic.
"
"springtime flowers, in splendid regalia,
aromatically find and assail ya.
but my favorite shrub
is the one i would dub
the valentine-tinted azalea.
"
"the ancients divined by default,
casting crystals aloft for gestalt.
alomancy provided
the clues that resided
in brine, a solution of salt.
"
"we asked that the augur predict
who might, for town council, be picked.
but the wise old soothsayer
was also the mayor,
electing a silence most strict.
"
"automated bank teller machine,
please dispense brand-new bills crisp and green;
five bucks should be plenty?
hey, wait! you gave twenty!
you'll atmpty my bank balance clean.
"
"where northern lights gleam so lucific,
and grizzlies and seals are prolific,
it's nine hours ago
from leeds, did juneau?
alaska time's just past pacific.
"
"if fortunes should suddenly stagnate,
it helps if your father's a magnate;
or else his, i suppose,
if inheritance flows
from a kinsman paternal, an agnate.
"
"we know that a pro aesthetician
can render your looks more patrician.
but should one err badly,
defacing you, sadly,
they might as well call the mortician.
"
"rick traced the acrostic with glee.
""hey, i've aced every clue?lucky me!
i will now, unrehearsed,
read the first letters first,
revealing its camouflaged key!""
"
"the worst possible way to arise?
an assault on the nerves, ears, and eyes!
with its smug lcd,
that alarm clock will glee-
fully see that you unmesmerize.
"
"the succulent green aloe vera:
a plant whose soft gel can repair ya.
on your skin put a dab
for a burn, scrape, or scab;
it's the purest first aid of our era.
"
"the editor's great agitation
resulted from poor pagination.
hissed he to the printer,
""this journal you splinter!
how irksome! what miscorrelation!""
"
"an agnostic is one who will doubt
any reason for being devout.
though not atheistic,
and hardly a mystic,
most religion he'd rather leave out.
"
"when words writ with wit well alliterate,
sleek sibilant syllables liberate!		
swift sounds soar cartwheeling,
leave pounding hearts reeling,		
and serve verbal curves to reiterate.	
"
"to render one's skin tone patrician
is the goal of a pro aesthetician.
but if looks can kill
(and sometimes they will),
'tis better to see a mortician.
"
"phil replaced, at a very great cost,
the gold filigree necklace i'd lost.
though he didn't aspire
to buy ""lace"" made of wire,
he relented (i'd gotten him sauced).
"
"gordon lightfoot's great ballad is long,
for he tells the whole story in song,
not of love, but romantic
(though the families were frantic),
of how quickly things went very wrong.

to this day, all the families must wonder
how the freighter was torn all asunder.
'twas at very great cost;
twenty-nine lives were lost
when the edmund fitzgerald went under.
"
"freddie filched several things from the store.
said his ma, ""don't you do that no more.
pa finds out you been stealin',
he'll set your head reelin'.
we're honest folk, son, though we're poor.""
"
"""genus pipilo: that's a towhee;
it's a finch and quite lovely to see.""
dee protested. ""i'm sure a
towhee's in chlorura;
it's here in this bird book,"" said she.
"
"when farmers' cats wander away
off into the fields, become stray,
and grow feral, or wild,
they are often reviled.
they're killing off songbirds! oy vey.
"
"""what's the name of those palms in my yard
with their leaves by the drought hardly marred?""
""those are fan palms,"" said penny,
""and species are many.
taxonomical certainty's hard.""
"
"for hot chocolate, evaporated milk
i use for a brew smooth as silk.
not too bitter or sweet,
""it's my favorite treat,""
says my grandson, ""the best of its ilk.""
"
"she appears as the only dissenter
in the holdout; the men must resent her
in the painting by rockwell.
she's an arms-folded block. well,
she votes nay and no guy can prevent her.
"
"faye takes cortisone pills every day
to keep inflammation at bay.
now her face, she has found,
has become very round;
her facies is ""moon,"" the docs say.
"
"i hear amazon plans to use drones
to deliver (in various zones)
its merchandise fine
that folks purchase online ?
from me this elicits just groans.
"
"you saw ozzie while out on patrol?
i am sure he's just out for a stroll.	
oh, please don't impound him,	
'cause that's where i found him?
our county's own animal control.
"
"as kids we looked forward to autumn;
falling leaves brushed our sleeves as we caught 'em
to rake in a pile
and jump in for a while,
giving thanks for this season that brought 'em.
"
"when a dowager opts to bepaint,
it's apt to create some complaint:
bold layers of makeup
may flake, cake and shake up
the passersby?if they don't faint.
"
"in the days of acclaimed olden greece,
jason tracked down the famed golden fleece
in the good ship called argo,
which spoke and sailed cargo;
shear myth! think it true, or caprice?
"
"the czechs who inhabit bohemia,	
the offbeat who love academia,
souls unconventional
(multi-dimensional),
gypsies, and artists extremia.
"
"in my dreams i look down as i fly,
viewing forests and streams from on high.
does that happen to you?
it's a true bird's-eye view:
how things look from way up in the sky.
"
"long and narrow, each kind of baguette;
smooth and hard both their surfaces; yet
while the gem's carved precisely,
the french bread goes nicely
with tea when the table is set.
"
"baby's breath lends a certain cachet
to a garland or bridal bouquet.
tiny flowers so white
frame this delicate sight,
meaning love everlasting, they say.
"
"pilgrims sickened as snow fell in showers.
midst the winter in chill, grimful hours,
lovely blooms cheered the ailing,
revived with the trailing
arbutus, their mayflower flowers.
"
"of various kinds of accounts,
the first involves checks that can bounce.
telling stories, i've reckoned,
comes in a close second,
thus balancing acts and amounts.
"
"aardwolves are wolves of the earth.
in their underground dens they give birth,
sharing care for their young,
slurping termites by tongue?
like hyenas, without extra mirth.
"
"when a beautiful scent wafts your way,
your olfactory sense says ""hooray!""
subtle hints of sweet blooms,
woodsy wine, fine perfumes?
pleasant signs of a lovely bouquet.
"
"for aykroyd and curtin and newman,
acrocephaly wasn't quite human.
those madcaps made light
of this cranial plight,
and as coneheads lost points for acumen.
"
"a freestanding cupboard or chest,
the armoire is for you or a guest.
it's an elegant closet
in which you deposit
your clothes till it's time to get dressed.
"
"the bagel's a round kind of roll,
at the center of which is a hole.
with this dense, chewy bread,
serve some cream cheese to spread;
top with lox?it's a nosh for the soul!
"
"an animal called bigeneric
is hybrid, a creature chimeric:
like sphinxes or centaurs
half-hatched by inventors,
they're beastly crossed breeds esoteric.
"
"a person who's best to avoid
is the type that can make you annoyed.
he'll joke like a jester,
provoke, poke, and pester,
till you secretly wish him destroyed.
"
"when words writ with wit we alliterate,
sleek sibilant syllables iterate!
whirled widely by poets,
and other wise know-its,
perchance to enhance, not obliterate.
"
"because is the reason i said,
and the answer to why, when you pled.
now i know you've been fed,
washed and brushed. go ahead?
it's upstairs for you?past time for bed!
"
"spaghetti sauce, bubbling and hot,
commands me to come to the pot,
where the scent of sweet basil
so tempts my sense nasal
that i think i will dine on the spot.
"
"at the tone, you may phone an abode
using ""1"" plus the area code.
need more numbers? they'll list 'em,
expanding our system,
with overlays easing the load.
"
"albemarle?shoreside and sea:
towns and counties, plus navy ships three;
british ships with full steerage;
dukes and earls granted peerage,
their titles conferred by decree.
"
"my son has been labeled autistic.
to some he appears narcissistic;
clues lacking, rules rigid,
moods boiling to frigid;
but he's mine?not another statistic.
"
"an awning of canvas gives shade
over windows and doorways of trade.
this strong cotton canopy
shelters a panoply
of wares being proudly displayed.
"
"brand of many a household appliance,
and commune of great self-reliance
that was founded by germans
with positive sermons:
amana?both social and science.
"
"ahem, a small noise in the throat,
can reveal what one's words won't connote,
suggest a quick question,
or clear out congestion;
but the actual sound? hard to quote.
"
"alpha hydroxy, an acid,
may help your face not to go flaccid.
if your skin looks like leather,
you can fight age and weather?
if not to feel young, at least placid.
"
"when my lover and i at last parted,
i was woebegone, sad, broken-hearted;
yet filled with relief.
our affair caused me grief,
just because he so frequently farted.
"
"when sentiment has you all gushy
and your feelings are turning real mushy,
you may mutter ""aw, shucks""
when a relative clucks
as she dotes on you, making you blushy.
"
"let's study this plant's physiology.
ouch! briars abound! an apology:
this yard's in a shambles.
but how i love brambles!
my cutting-edge field is batology.
"
"no brown tree snakes should live here in guam,
but they're here, and they've done severe harm:
made extinct, to this date,
native birds ? species, eight.
there's a plan to defeat them; stay calm!
"
"little joey fell down; hard he plopped.
words were hard, but he wouldn't be stopped.
though he couldn't say ""fell,""
the tyke managed quite well:
asked what happened, he answered, ""i dropped.""
"
"now our mom's having fits of hysterics
'cause our eric's embraced esoterics:
""understood by the few,
mystic doctrines ring true.""
(he smokes bhang with some weird eastern clerics.)
"
"""in my marriage all's fairness, and so
we equalize chores."" ""how's that go?""
""well, the downstairs i straighten,
leave the upstairs for leighton.""
""you've a one-storey home."" ""this i know.""
"
"my small grandson, one cute little elf,
spied the tv remote on a shelf.
so he moved a big chair
over closer, to where
he retrieved that device by himself.
"
"a stray bullet affected my gait
when it damaged an end plate. my fate:
the membrane was shot,
and it hurt quite a lot;
so my walk's weird and wobbly of late.
"
"while the visigoths catapult boulders,
we rely on advice from our olders:
metal helmets (not lead)
keep our heads in good stead;
epaulieres are protecting our shoulders.
"
"there's a coyote, there, off to the right:
pointy ears, bushy tail ? quite a sight!
silhouetted i see him,
and perhaps i should flee him ?
but he turns and slinks into the night.
"
"this poem is epic, indeed!
it tells of a knight and his steed,
as they rescue fair ladies
from fates worse than hades,
in a way that takes epochs to read.
"
"this we heard just today from our teacher:
""the aquarium's starting to feature
its argonaut. she's
a rare octopus; please
get permission to see this strange creature.""
"
"in the woodlands a lady named laura
attracted both fauna and flora.
deer, poppies, and possum
drew near her to blossom,
surrounded by love, nature's aura.
"
"be it school glue, epoxy, or paste,
duct or masking tape carefully placed,
when affixing a piece of
a sticky adhesive,
you'd be wise not to sniff or to taste.
"
"bowser's a pet name for hounds,
mutts or purebreds, at large or in pounds.
be it spaniel or terrier,
a dog's life is merrier
when this term of affection abounds.
"
"i'd bend over backward, and that is why
my favors for you are all gratis. i
will cater each whim,
fill your cup to the brim,
till your every desire i satisfy!
"
"in order to claim you're artistic,
it helps to be thoroughly mystic:
to stretch inner vision,
decline indecision,
and further new views futuristic.
"
"beyond lies ahead or behind,
well past reach in a place you can't find.
it's a realm so sublime,
a domain outside time
with no end?out of sight, undivined.
"
"they cover your forehead with hair
and prevent it from looking too bare.
each lock of them hangs
straight or wavy; they're bangs.
care instructions: shampoo, dry and wear.
"
"a butt is the object of jokes,
or the stub at the end of your smokes,
your bottom (or rear),
or the nudge of a deer
when with antlers a tree trunk he pokes.
"
"my husband insists on a beard.
it surrounds his whole face and looks weird.
it is men's hair that grows
around cheeks, chin, and nose?
and in his case, has condiments smeared.
"
"i've spent many a summertime hour			
perusing through meadow and bower
to spot the two hues in
the sweet black-eyed susan:
it's maryland's favorite flower.
"
"steam rises, smoke wafts, white clouds merge;
waves of water converge on a surge.
billows bend weeping willows,
fill clear sleeping pillows,
and carry each mourning dove's dirge.
"
"at the tavern, come in?don't be stoic;	
no need for excuses heroic.		
the loud, happy hubbub			
you'll hear in this nightclub
exhibits high spirits bistroic.	
"
"behind is in back of, or past;
at the end of a queue, where you're last;
running late when you're lagging
and both feet are dragging?
you'll stay there unless you go fast!
"
"confronting the puzzle acrostic,
said dick, ""i am sure to get lost quick!
if it weren't for clues,
i'd be hittin' the booze,
and quite purposely get very sauced (hic).""
"
"when a comic strip character's cry
is rendered ""boo hoo"", here is why:
it's because a cartoon's
conversation balloons
cannot mimic such sounds; alas (sigh).
"
"poems penned in the mode of blank verse
tend to bend standard code and disperse
rules for rhyme (none residing);
just meter abiding,
with measurements epic to terse.
"
"be it biscuits, buns, brownies, or bread,
cake or cookies with milk before bed,
a freshly baked treat
simply cannot be beat
for a soul to feel comfortably fed.
"
"were you born in the fifties? that time
saw the birth rate dramatically climb;
so you know it's no rumor?
you're one baby boomer
of millions approaching their prime.
"
"we politely progress through our paces
at arm's length to finesse public spaces,
keeping stranger or peer
from approaching too near
and exhaling up close in our faces.
"
"amazement and wonder?that's awe,
displayed by a fully dropped jaw:
at lightning, loud thunder,
command without blunder,
or watching antarctica thaw.
"
"customarily, jews will employ
the preferred hebrew word, adonai
(with the meaning ""my lord""),
often prayed turning toward
him in gratitude, sorrow or joy.
"
"when a human's uncouth, coarse and rude,
lacks good manners and chomps on his food,
he's a sort most unpleasant.
from the dutch word for peasant
comes boor. he's not boring, just crude.
"
"we divided the dough, making neat
even rows on our new baking sheet.
being shiny and stainless,
it made cleanup painless
once eating the treat was complete.
"
"bitewing x-rays require stiff cardboard
be placed in your mouth, port and starboard.
you might beg, ""docther, pleeth
take thith oud of my theeth!""
when your gums start to feel like a dartboard.
"
"reliant upon an allelomorph,
one might be a giant or mellow dwarf,
have manners imprudent
or features protrudent?
like that mutant tall adjutant fellow, worf.
"
"every action she takes is a breeze?
quick to please, she agrees with great ease.
sans chagrin under pressure,
she'll grin like a cheshire;
she's blessed, well beyond a mere sneeze.
"
"if you locate a bottomless jar,
frozen desert or modern-day czar,
names that randomly changed,
or a creature deranged?
all outlandish?just brandish bizarre.
"
"consumers, cut costs! get the scoop on
all the ways you can double that coupon.
""half price"" and such jargon
means markdowns: a bargain!
save bucks, from potatoes to poupon.
"
"the anthropoglot climbed a rung,
transfixed by our speech as he hung,
and with eyes and ears clung
to each word said or sung?
clever parrot, to speak in our tongue!
"
"if afflicted by grave aglutition,
it's grueling to get good nutrition.
unable to swallow?	
unstable? feel hollow?
i.v. fluids will start your ignition.
"
"pre-computer, the most modern means
for merchants and clerks to count beans
had no plug, cable, screen,
mouse, or circuits between;
they were old-fashioned adding machines.
"
"he looks harried, depressed, and quite nervous,
with mood swings a-swaying and swervous.
things get under his skin
bringing thunder within:
barythymia calls for psych service.
"
"""i'll only buy brand-name blue jeans,""
sniffed a trend-conscious lady in queens.
""they'll impress all my friends?
prove my worth to great ends?
with the ends just defying the means.""
"
"when it's time to give birth then i shall
hope for ample room in the canal
through which comes the fetus
who pops out to greet us?
inspiring, this change of locale!
"
"the way ginger gold apple-polished
her elders should well be abolished.
but what does it matter? she
knows her false flattery
leaves disagreements demolished.
"
"brussels sprouts?yellow tinged, on the fringe
of what's edible?just make me cringe.
on them no one could binge
and dessert should not hinge;
i'd rather be fed by syringe.
"
"from the beacon a sharp beam of light
marks an arc sweeping dark skies at night.
its signal gleams bright
so we'll navigate right?
steering safely, with guidance in sight.
"
"fresh fruit, when pureed in the blender,
will satisfy deeply. surrender!
get ready to coat
first your tongue, then your throat
with a smoothie, to quench thirst in splendor.
"
"is that hair tint red dye number seven?
or some henna, from 7-eleven?
true auburn is best,
high above all the rest,
when it's natural color from heaven.
"
"how'd that brownie, high up on the shelf,
to the chocolatey square help itself?
piece of cake: one's caloric
and one's allegoric?
a small, friendly family elf.
"
"when harsh scolding's dispensed biparentally,
mom and dad will both rave temperamentally.
they constantly lecture
till offspring conjecture
a plan to tune out till they're twentily.
"
"a  buzz comes from bumblebees near
or sensations when brains kick in gear.
it's the word going 'round
and a doorbell's sharp sound,
plus a haircut clipped close to each ear.
"
"the bagger asked, ""paper or plastic?""
said i, ""either kind is fantastic,
as long as the bag
helps my goods not to drag,
on the grounds it could prove to be drastic.""
"
"acutely, pain seizes a joint
or people persist on a point.
angles form like bent knees
short of 90 degrees;
itch acutely? don't scratch, just anoint.
"
"this cocktail, alas and alack?
is pronounced as ""arrick"" or ""iraq"".
it's fermented malt liquor
and may go down quicker
in case of a nuclear attack.
"
"got achromatopsy? then your vision
is lacking in color precision.
be careful in traffic:
avoid causing graphic
examples of red-green collision.
"
"he's caught in his own unique prism;
a dash of mystique, fraught with schism.
though distraught (it's incurable),
somehow we're durable:
autism's taught us ""as is""-m.
"
"the cookies?so good, made from scratch!
so scrumptious!?we'd sneak in to snatch
and eat dozen by dozen,
then artfully cozen
our mom to bake batch after batch.
"
"this natal chart's such a disaster;
we're on to you, fraudulent master.
your claims we won't follow;
you're just an astrolo-
(gasp!) gaster?a feigning forecaster!
"
"metallic rock makes up an asteroid,
circling our sun in the vaster void.
if it ever should veer
into earth's atmosphere,
better duck, just in case of disasteroid.
"
"i once felt, on a tram, on vacation,
a dramatically urgent sensation.
i could tell without doubt,
though unsure of the route,
the next stop would be called comfort station.
"
"once a hot-headed out-of-the-norm-ist,
a streak-through-the-quad-and-the-dorm-ist,
his passions now cool
and his own kids in school,
he's a graying, bill-paying conformist.
"
"dawn broke ruddy at sea christmas morn.
tattered trappings on deck looked forlorn.
with a storm-battered wreath,
and a bone in her teeth,
china clipper roared east past the horn.
"
"who could sit in the bouleuterion,
the courthouse of athens?  my theory: an
upper-class greek
who could civilly speak ?
no barbarian mede, nor assyrian.
"
"just the implements under the pall
were sufficient when masses were small.
but we need the ciborium;
dei ad gloriam!
the crowd's spilling into the hall!
"
"take it easy.  don't fear agroterror.
it's in fact scarce as hen's teeth, or rarer.
i once thought i spied a
bad dude from al qaeda
in kansas ? but i was in error.
"
"with our systems, command and control
sees the battle, real time, as a whole.
i suggested instead
two tin cans and a thread ?
the c.o. didn't think this was droll.
"
"the clavichord, strings lightly strung,
has expressiveness greatest among
all the keyboards, resembling,
through aftertouch, trembling
soft voices, as though notes were sung.
"
"""since chrysostom's dead now, my dear,
golden preaching we no longer fear.""
but the saint caused a scene:
said, ""?????? ????!""
when the emperor wept at his bier.
"
"holy christopher carried our lord
through the river the child couldn't ford.
he calmed travelers' fears,
only now it appears
he's mere legend and shan't be adored.
"
"down in oz, where the kangas abound,
rings a widely known, finely honed sound.
with a zing, to the zone
where initially thrown
soars the boomerang, zooming around.
"
"????? concrete???????????????poetry:
????close ???to ??????my heart.
???view the whole (not words only)
?????to start/to find patterns. it tends
???????to form shape! so it blends
??????????words with image.
???????????????pro fusion of
???????????????????? art! 
"
"the blue penciler moaned, ""i'm so vexed
by explicitly oversexed text
in this body of copy
(so shoddy! no, sloppy!)
i think i'll delete what comes
"
"we gave pet stores no thought when we shopped
for a housepet we sought to adopt.
heading straight to the shelter,
we found our heart-melter?
a canine that couldn't be topped!
"
"bazooka's the name of the gum
that comes wrapped in a comic, and from
which you blow big balloons
as you read its cartoons,
while you chew on the pink stuff?mm, yum!
"
"a fellow named jung (first name carl)
allowed us our dreams to unsnarl,
showing themes centered 'round
all the archetypes found
within psyches, which might gnash and gnarl.
"
"cyriologic refers to, in spelling,
the capital letters. they're telling
of info that's vital
like name, rank or title.
(avoid them in email?that's yelling!)
"
"cruella demanded creation
of fur from the darling dalmatian:
a coat she could flash
or float for good cash,
embodying animalization.
"
"to try anagrammatization
involves absolute inspiration.
if you just rearrange
all the letters, they change
to a new word?hey, what a sensation!
"
"if you bump into obstacles through
the course of the day with no clue
as to why your skin's color
turns darker and duller,
guess what? bruises turn black and blue!
"
"since arena stage lacks a proscenium,
performance space comes at a premium.
also called ""in-the-round"",
a lead role it has found
as theater's  alternative medium!
"
"aw's what you say if you're smitten
by a cute little puppy or kitten;	
or feel disappointed
on days all disjointed;
and when by the love bug you're bitten.
"
"incrementally's how you might fit,
piece by piece, all the parts in a kit.
it's how saplings form trees
and raw milk turns to cheese:
over time, by degrees, bit by bit.
"
"i promise to you i'll bequeath,
from the heavens to earth underneath,
the lighthearted glow
of folks in the know
and a full set of thirty-two teeth.
"
"regarding the noise when you spew
bacteria into the blue:
aim your sneeze in your sleeve
so that you can achieve
a silenter, gentler achoo.
"
"the cubism school analytic
drew kudos from many a critic.
picasso and braque
rendered facets like rock
in forms angular, square, pyramidic.
"
"if thousands of strands of your hair,
interwoven and plaited with care,
subdivide into rows
tied with bands, beads, or bows,
then braids is your 'do. proudly wear.
"
"didn't fill that new eyeglass prescription,
and your books look like greek or egyptian?
type set in encryption
provokes a conniption?
asthenopia fits that description!
"
"my pound hound's a black and tan setter,
for squirrels and birds a go-getter.
there's no doubt mighty soon
he may nab a raccoon
and be proud that he's never done better.
"
"""this drink smells discernibly off,"" he
complained. ""and it tastes like burnt toffee.""
i laughed. ""what a gaffe!
that half-empty carafe
caused a brouhaha over bad coffee!""
"
"""it's a peaceful religion,"" it's said;
""by extremists, though, sometimes it's led.""
well, of one thing i'm sure,
in a place like darfur,
islam's creed is not praised by the dead.
"
"punic glory will not be his lot.  he's
at sea in a terrible spot.  he's
called hanno (not ""great""),
and he'll soon meet his fate,
for he's lost the last fleet at aegates.
"
"i like hamilton's strong central banker:
federal strength is prosperity's anchor.
his rival complains,
""this will put us in chains.""
sometimes jefferson seems such a wanker.
"
"seems the hero's not handsome or tall,
but the heroine sounds like a doll.
the script's called anhedonia?
that title's baloney!  a
much better name's annie hall!
"
"as kowalski, his method was bella,
young brando, that once splendid fella.
like his bride we were drawn
to his lust, to his brawn,
when he stood at the stair and yelled, ""stella!""
"
"""gott mit uns,"" so i thought.  ""all is right.
hell itself would succumb to our might.""
but that faith's gone for good
since we lost belleau wood
when the devil dogs joined in the fight.
"
"at the fortress his ensign was furled
as his crown from the ramparts he hurled.
he resigned. he is free.
the welsh king's on a spree
like he hasn't a caer in the world.
"
"bloom's at sea with the sailor named sinbad.
his old boat needs a bucket: where's binbad?
his industrious schemes
will dissolve now in dreams:
he's a fool.  he is finished.  like finbad.
"
"changing keys caused me stress, angst, and fear,
but, well-tempered, i'm now of good cheer;
and the need to relax'll
require no paxil:
herr bach has retuned my clavier!
"
"you were king, right? of italy?  had you a
need for more empire?  well, aduwa
crushed your intent.
and the fallen were sent
back to rome, to palermo, to padua....
"
"things called cuneate (shaped like a vee)
are quite often the leaves of a tree;
but my wife has a patch
of soft netherish thatch
that this adjective fits to a tee.
"
"mom's a gun-totin' godly right-winger,
what obama would call ""bitter clinger.""
on a trip to chicago
i asked, ""should my ma go
to knife fights?"" ""she packin'?  then, bring her!""
"
"the stroke rate is very high (natch),
but their discipline's winning the match.
they're not rushing the slide.
and look ? any crew's pride ?
eight blades dropping as one at the catch.
"
"a ghanaian numismatist's lackey
loved coins from the empire, by cracky.
here's one of his picks,
valued two shillings six:
it's a gold coast half crown called the ackey.
"
"i've a very small pet i named petey.
his mouths are like miniscule ziti.
once floating around,
he's now fixed to the ground ?
that's the habit of grown acinetae.
"
"does the roof have a gap?  then just patch it.
shingle's wide? you can trim it and match it,
also drive and pull nails,
all the chore's fine details,
with one tool, an old roofer's claw hatchet.
"
"exiled clement, in pontus enslaved,
prayed for water the multitude craved.
lo! a lamb touched the ground
where a wellspring was found.
many souls by this wonder were saved.
"
"an ascetic exemplar, he called
many men from the world that enthralled
them.  his elder's estate,
not the state of his pate,
earned his title, st. alphege the bald.
"
"must you dwell in the gutter?  i knew
when you saw on the box ""acme screw""
you thought, ""oooo, what's the score?
a cartoon canine's whore?""
it's a part for my lathe! shame on you.
"
"he awoke in the 25th century
a.d. in a world of adventure.  he
had aged about zero,
buck rogers, our hero.
activities?  plenipotentiary.
"
"the delaware looked like the styx,
but my barefooted army of hicks
soon made christmas turn lenten
for hessians in trenton
in 1776.
"
"in the cub scouts i learned how to feel a
respect for my elders.  they steal a
few chapters of kipling's
to teach budding striplings
to honor their leader, akela.
"
"a lumberjack barber (no queer)
cuts the scots pine in bunches, i hear.
he hoards garments quite dainty;
he's still ok, ain't he?
he's only accumulating sheer.
"
"once a tar from wisconsin named josh
told his personal tale with panache.
he was clubbed and then dragged
onboard ship, so he bragged:
""i was shanghaied in oshkosh, by cosh.""
"
"on the fourth of july you are hunting
for decorative tri-colors fronting
the rails.  it's your day!
there's a suicide play!
the old ballpark is lively with bunting.
"
"""cleanse the corporal, press it, and fold it,""
the altar guild novice is told.  ""it
will stay quite pristine
if we place it, still clean,
in the burse that's intended to hold it.""
"
"they remember it well, these old codgers,
when brooklyn's home team was the dodgers,
and a nickel or two
at the local bijou
would buy saturdays filled with buck rogers.
"
"in the catholic faith, we agree
that the bvm answers our plea ?
and one lost in the night
may be saved by her light:
stella maris, the star of the sea.
"
"e. lagasse should eat more black gram,
thinks his health-food-obsessed lover, pam.
heed your sweetie's entreaties,
avoid diabetes;
you'll flatulate, though, with a bam!
"
"an unpolished rube is a bumpkin.
an aft spar projection's a boomkin.
one hails us with ""y'all,""
one's found on a yawl:
are homophones good for you, pumpkin?
"
"egypt built, in a style to beguile
the crocodile-god of the nile,
a sacred metropolis:
crocodilopolis.
it worked, i believe. see him smile?
"
"a filly (in heart none surpassed her),
unarmored, to war bore her master.
she had no croupi?re
for her brave derri?re;
end result ? sad to say it: disaster.
"
"when i told her i'd give it a try, char-
lotte cried: ""rhyming bible names? why!?"" char-
lotte feared he'd be pissed
(that's carl lands) since he'd missed
the king's chamberlain, noble ahishar.
"
"""let them go ? all my people,"" he said.
""you'll relent when your priests' snakes are fed
to the serpent from god.
he will change aaron's rod.""
pharaoh's heart became hardened instead.
"
"he can ""see"" through his marxist myopia
a communist state cornucopia
that feeds all the masses.
without rose-tinted glasses,
i see what he'll get: bleak dystopia.
"
"bluesy clavichord riffs be my thing.
with vibrato i make my ax sing.
gonna plug in the wire,
play lucille way up higher:
i the best and of bebung the king.
"
"""plant cilantro!""  his friend disagreed.
""you're a fool!  coriander we need!""
these were ignorant rants;
they're not different plants:
one's the green stuff, the other's the seed.
"
"apiaceae herbal themed grill
has a special for lunch: parsleyed dill!
other dishes we serve'll
use celery or chervil.
cilantro, tonight, fills the bill.
"
"the young root peddler, smart and vivacious,
shows knowledge both apt and capacious.
but singing the merits
of parsnips and carrots
neglects other foods apiaceous.
"
"umbelliferous plants ain't just weeds.
they grow condiments every cook needs.
well stocked spice cupboards will
include caraway, dill,
anise, cumin and fennel (the seeds).
"
"""bend new sheets to the topgallant clew,
port or starboard, or both.  that should do!""
""but i can't, sir!  there's nuffing
to bend to!  this luffing
won't stop.  are these sails by abu?""
"
"irish chieftains swore fealty as earls,
but to bess they would always be churls.
the intent of this tudor:
assent that accrued her
their lands, where her flag she unfurls.
"
"wile e.c. and his kids (he has three) a
short time ago played by the sea. a
few shells in their pails
were from true limpet snails
that belong to the genus acmaea.
"
"to mend broken collar bones, know
that your shoulder can't move to and fro.
strap your arm and your handage
to your side with the bandage
of cloth used by p-j desault.
"
"""light's refraction'ry angles i'll tell
with my law,"" says heer willebrord snel.
""but i'm pierced to the heart
to learn ren? descartes
has 'discovered' my theory as well.""
"
"when the parish finds out it will shock 'em.
they'll insist that the bishop defrock him.
how could one they so trust
use their children with lust?
cucullus non facit monachum.
"
"the monks' worldly abbot would school 'em:
""some cuckolds are shrewd, you can't fool 'em.
so only make passes
at unmarried lasses:
monachus non facit cuculum.""
"
"treason sticks in my craw: it is vomitable.
their hideout is known, though.  it's bomb-it-able.
from your duty don't swerve,
use the force they deserve.
the rebellion you'll find, sir, is domitable.
"
"the pasha is known as my friend.  he
adores all the presents i send.  he
says, ""infidel? maybe,
but gift giving, baby,
has earned him the title effendi.""
"
"led by faith in the bible, a seeker
of knowledge finds darwin's book weaker.
but the lizard-like scales1
on the feet of, say, quails
are a puzzlement.
__________________
1dactylotheca
"
"in the sacrament, blest wine and bread
become christ. so the faithful are fed
with an antepast of
the fulfillment of love
in the feast that in heaven is spread.
"
"by misfortune you're now bronchospastic.
your bronchioles feel like old plastic.
with asthma you're frail,
you can't smoke or chase tail:
seems your lifestyle's becoming monastic.
"
"you've lost family, or honor, or wealth?
gave them up, or he took them by stealth?
does king alcohol trouble you?
the friends of bill w.
will love you and help you to health.
"
"before 1905, if well schooled,
we just knew how the planets were ruled:
an elliptical race
run through absolute space ?
then came einstein who showed we'd been fooled.
"
"amblyopsis, a genus of cavefish,
a class of remarkably brave fish,
have managed alright
in the dark without sight.
they're endangered now: let's try to save fish.
"
"""leaving cleveland?""  the fans cried, ""absurd!""
but st. louis was robbed, not a word.
browns had nary a wing,
didn't squawk, couldn't sing,
but each brown's now a baltimore bird.
"
"princess tuber complained to her pater
that rush limbaugh ? eew! ? wanted to date her.
said the king, ""back off, bud,
she's a fine royal spud,
and you're naught but a crude commentator.""
"
"i've been limerickin' late in the kitchen ?
drank gallons of coffee, nerves twitchin'.
the scansion's not right,
definition's a fright,
but the rhyme scheme, at least, is still bitchin'.
"
"as pass? as a poncho peruvian,
she used to be ""with it"" and ""groovy"" an
eon ago.
kids are cruel, you know:
now they call her their auntie deluvian.
"
"a cardiogram that is vectoral
is good 'cause the dipole's directoral.
scan axes (all three)
using leads a, b,  c
placed on body parts other than pectoral.
"
"in the canopy, high as you please,
you may sample a soft jungle breeze.
this habitat features
arboricole creatures:
they're animals living in trees.
"
"i'm in hospital, what could be worse?
oh, but listen! loud moans, then a curse.
does bedevilment lurk
with a devilish smirk?
surely does: it's the enema nurse.
"
"hey look! an aleppo-type gall!
not an apple, 'cause (now i recall)
it's the home of a bug
who's a bit of a thug?
and it yields a most valuable haul.
"
"a pea that grows next to the sea?
it sounds most suspicious to me.
but where brine and shore mingle
in sand and sea shingle,
the beach pea will thrive, growing free.
"
"a device which delivers a press, meant
to indicate levels of stress sent
from wounds to the brain?
a true measure of pain?
gives a quick algometric assessment.
"
"you could use just a little more candour
and describe me a little less blander.
an ailurus, i'm smaller;
though giants are taller,
i'm not that much less of a panda.
"
"last season a mean one-oh-three,
which put him atop of the tree.
last game, two-oh-six,
but today, out for nix,
so he's on batting average, see?
"
"not partner-dependent like whole sex,
one might best describe it as sole sex.
being perfectly candid,
accomplished left-handed,
it sure as hell winds up your rolex.
"
"i've an adsl (don't you snicker!).
it's faster and ain't any thicker.
i can download with ease
any file that i please.
with it, windows can crash even quicker.
"
"how high? guess the number you're seeking,
but if wrong, you may crash (wildly shrieking)!
for accurate measure
a flyer will treasure
the facts (barometrically speaking).
"
"hospes, priest, my confessor, my friend,
alban gains from you life without end.
give your vesture to me.
don my garments and flee:
rome and heaven our gifts will commend.
"
"""do not stay me, i go to my lord,
there on holywell hill, on the sward.""
alban parted the water
and hied to the slaughter
that added the palm to his sword.
"
"you were seeking the life of my guest.
i am here in his stead: do your best.
i may yield to your sword,
but, as christ is my lord,
alban's name will be mighty and blest.
"
"prep the soil with these blades, curved and narrow,
like coyote's fine field over there.  oh!
i thought you had heard ?
he's stopped chasing that bird.
wile e. farms now ? it's his acme harrow.
"
"is ana?s nin's delta of venus
artistic or lewd?  well, between us,
some style can be found,
but the tales all come round
to a vulva, a mouth, and a penis.
"
"""all our wealth for the poor, that's our charter.
my freedom's not worth coin nor barter.""
the vikings, dismayed
that they wouldn't be paid,
in a rage killed st. alphege the martyr.
"
"even though emt's in the specs
the code will allow armored flex.
safety difference? not any.
we'll save quite a penny,
so let us instead use bx.
"
"rising just before dawn, the decrescent
and envious moon, evanescent
as light filled the east
(and the nightingale ceased),
chilled the heart of this rash adolescent.
"
"on the altar the corporal's spread
'neath the paten so fragments of bread
won't be brushed to the floor,
and the host we adore
will be treated with reverence instead.
"
"in researching the law, father pete'll
be thorough.  his brief, when complete, 'll
examine in course
every pertinent source,
whether codex or ancient decretal.
"
"an auto crash brought to an end
the career of our car-stealing ""friend"".
at high speed without fear,
he omitted to steer
round a left-handed right-angled bend.
"
"it is bafflingly complex: who roams
around kidnapping old garden gnomes
to take them on trips
over land and on ships,
then return them at night to their homes?.
"
"an accessory shoe can be ""hot"";
if it's simply a mount, then it's not.
it is where the foot fits
for your camera bits
with the hope of improving the shot.
"
"a pair who will bring ruination,
most evil in all of creation:
a mis- (not too sweet)
and a mal- (who's a cheat)
at the head of the administration.
"
"a thrush in the mouth, how absurd!
it's a fungus you say?not a bird?
called an aphtha, it grew
into aphthae?some few?
then an ulcer resembling a curd.
"
"backlash: a word often used
for mechanical systems abused,
over-stressed, over-toiled,
out of sight, under-oiled,
but the cost may not make you amused.
"
"charles i, overbearing and vain,
treated people and peers with disdain.
execution loomed near
in his twenty-fourth year?
anno regni?the year of his reign.
"
"i've just grown a plant called a gherkin.
it yielded its fruit by the firkin,
which i'll pickle with dill.
when i've eaten my fill,
i'll be belching with gut acid workin'.
"
"down the hall there's a hound dog who's baying;
in the yard an old donkey is braying.
my whole clan's at the door
shouting, ""angus! no more!""
now i can't hear the bagpipe i'm playing.
"
"it's an elegant form of support,
like an arch, although half an arch short.
arc-boutant: flying forms
give support against storms
to the walls of a church or a court.
"
"you can throw a baton at a gudgeon
if you're mindful to be a curmudgeon,
but chiroptera sections
have legal protections,
so don't belt a bat with a bludgeon.
"
"in life, you'll find many a glitch:
there's a problem, a trouble, a hitch.
when the torments and mist
of depressions persist,
then the black dog of life is a bitch.
"
"if you're needing an all over tan
like adonis (a god and a man)
then it might be your fate
that you have to rotate,
which is hard for a virile young man.
"
"the last meeting's minutes were quoted,
with apologies for absence all noted.
""what's this bit of crap-sense?
an announcement of absence?
but hang on a mo?has he voted?""
"
"you accelerate terribly hard,
yet we're only just leaving the yard!
there's a bluey-grey cloud;
we've attracted a crowd,
and the surface is blackened and charred.
"
"southern brother, it's most odd to see
that your shadow's behind, as with me.
north and south?what a riddle?
the sun's in the middle.
we're antiscians, don't you agree?
"
"if you're walking baht'at on the moor,
then your chance of survival is poor.
so don't be a clown?
wear a hat on your crown.
play it cool and you'll cool down for sure.
"
"now let's do this properly, chaps,
or the empire will fall?well, perhaps.
it's auntie beeb speaking:
perfection we're seeking?
we won't allow standards to lapse.
"
"if you're starting to feel you're ""a-grooving""
and upward and onward you're moving,
if grumbles are few
and the praises ring true,
then you know that your peers are approving.
"
"all the vinegars (being specific)
have ""mothers,"" with traits acidific.
they can turn your home brew
into vinegar too,
which i think you'd find pretty horrific.
"
"the audition for tinker bell's part
was cut short by an ad-libbing start,
after which i said, ""runt!
why'd ya cause such affront?""
she said, ""dad, it was only a fart.""
"
"a boiler in back of your fire
will provide one domestic desire?
all your hot water needs
via gravity feeds
without driving your heating bills higher.
"
"now that keystones are in, it's complete
and the arch of our bridge looks a treat.
let the centry supporting,
preventing distorting,
be gone; it's become obsolete.
"
"it's the worst kind of repatriation
in a body bag, back to your nation?
shot to bits by your mate,
'cause he just couldn't wait,
in a sad blue on blue situation.
"
"see the grasses, all withered and bent,
drying out now that summer is spent.
seeds produced from the sun?
now their life cycle's done,
in a state that is known as arent.
"
"a base load's the rate a supplier
maintains but can always go higher.
so you need extra wattage
for heat in your cottage?
it's there if and when you require.
"
"switch it on, throttle up, hear the roar,
blasting air and a flame from its core.
burning avtur, a fuel,
giving many a joule,
will enable your aircraft to soar.
"
"""he'll never eat that!"" muttered sid,
so we watched him, and blimey?he did.
his cake-hole could match
any coal-loading hatch,
and his tongue's like a wheelie bin lid.
"
"there's a common complaint of the blood,
where the red cell count isn't too good.
with anaemia?aplastic?
the problem's more drastic,
'cause marrow can't do what it should.
"
"now it's time to bogof at the sales
and to sort through the clothes on the rails.
we'll go on a spree
and buy one, get one free,
'fore the amex or visa card fails.
"
"they're found everywhere: france; south dakota.
some creep, others drive a toyota.
hogs, catfish, snakes, gulls:
all these creatures with skulls
the taxonomist calls craniota.
"
"let's just face it, our guest is a lush.
throw him out on the pavement, don't blush.
any blood that's not shed
will flow right to his head.
in two ways he will get the bum's rush.
"
"i'm in hell with james joyce shooting pool.
though once sharp i now play like a fool.
with the balls ellipsoidal,
and cue sticks conoidal,
sink one shot a decade, you're cool.
"
"i don't know how much more i can take.
neighbor's playing all night without break.
with his biwa he croons
endless samurai tunes ?
i may have to go jump in the lake.
"
"it begins with buck mulligan (chubby),
this day in bloom's life.  molly's hubby
meets stephen, a friend
mountain flower at the end
i said yes i will yes feel my bubby.
"
"the plague, or black death, was bubonic
though some think 'twas also pneumonic.
rude carts choked the streets,
filled with dead wrapped in sheets,
for they lacked penicillin as tonic.
"
"acrotheca's an obsolete genus
now called fonsecaea.  between us,
some species, in doses,
cause chromomycosis:
i'd keep them away from your penis.
"
"the scope maker used abbe's limit
for aperture sizing.  to him it
was apt execution
for spec'd resolution:
if over the limit, then trim it.
"
"vulgar gospels and masses, i fear, 'll
emasculate rome.  suppress cyril,
and also methodius.
slavonic is odious:
our latin is holy and virile.
"
"sing ""the old rugged cross"" with the choir,
and your spirit soars higher and higher.
george, the methodist bard,
christian soldier, bennard,
wrote this song touched by heavenly fire.
"
"a pirate from marshy camarggh
is presented on rounds with catarrgh
and with eyesight so poor ?
see that chart on the door?
seems he can't tell the aiiee from the aarrgh.
"
"protozoans encased in a lotta
fine hairs can be called ciliata.
when these hairs stroke in rhythm
they race quickly with 'em:
a miniature pond scum regatta.
"
"though a spiritual creep, an iguana,
i yearn to be better.  i wanna
discover my dharma,
resolve ugly karma,
and get to see god:  that's darshana.
"
"the cowboy's steel nerves are displayed
when he mounts a wild colt, unafraid.
mustangs kick, twist, and buck,
but through skill (and some luck)
he's not thrown by the fierce estrapade.
"
"ride the mustang?  the thought's passing odd.
he's ungelded, unkempt, and unshod.
if you try this rash trick
he will buck, twist, and kick:
you'll be thrown by his fierce estrapade.
"
"the nor'easter still whistles and moans
where the tars have surrendered their bones.
it's abu's fault they're dead.
they will now make their bed
in the locker of cold davy jones.
"
"on eclipses, a science-fair triptych
says this:  see, earth's orbit's elliptic.
the sun's at one focus.
its plane is their locus,
and so it is called the ecliptic.
"
"the boat's bottom is sloped, but not much.
in the shallows it has the right touch.
i will early from bed rise,
take my chesapeake deadrise,
and catch crabs or dredge oysters and such.
"
"""son, an inuit host,"" i instruct,
""will expect you to dine then eruct.
but at table with such as
a duke or a duchess
don't belch lest our honor be fully discredited.""
"
"novice sailmaker's mate, young abu,
would make much better sails if he knew
why each corner was wrecked
where the sheets should connect:
seems his sails (like abu) had no clew.
"
"switch it on: electricity flows
as a current called amps and it shows
on a meter. but then
multiply it by ten?
you've an abamp (that's when the fuse blows).
"
"she is loud like an unruly youth
with her language, both coarse and uncouth.
there's more yap from her gob
than a whole bloody mob.
she's a bell hung on every tooth.
"
"a prism splits light into hues,
which are spread from the reds to the blues.
but that's not problematic,
for true achromatic-
made prisms refuse to diffuse.
"
"""quick-march!"" sergeant screams, and then sneers:
""will you ever become infanteers?""
then it pains him to say it?
""break-step!"" don't delay it;
this bridge might collapse round our ears.
"
"awaking, my head full of pain:
vowing never again, once again.
i've been plastered before,
and passed out on the floor,
but never the floor of a train.
"
"there's a legacy due from my aunt.
she's alive; can i spend it? i can't,
so to hasten the day,
i will forward her way
a gigantic carnivorous plant.
"
"the brewer's old wife, jill de-vere,
was a little too fond of ""good cheer"".
full of whisky, she fell
in a vat; now she's well
cask-conditioned (along with the beer).
"
"a shaft in a tube: it can slide
up and down, and then when you decide
the position is right,
you can lock it up tight
with a binder bolt, tested and tried.
"
"the achras, you'll surely agree,
is a wonderful sort of a tree:
grows a fruit like a plum,
sapodilla, yum-yum,
and a gum you can chew on with glee.
"
"when there's azofication around,
then the plants will be feeding the ground.
the result we are finding
is nitrogen binding,
it's free?symbiotic, we've found!
"
"playing cricket, a bowler named grout
liked to aim, high and hard, at one's snout.
hear it whizz?it's a screamer!
it's known as a beamer.
not out! but a knockout for nowt.
"
"a bizarre old bazaar in beirut
trades in nothing but jelly and fruit.
it's a market ""too far""?
just a trifle bazaar?
shopping there's such a trivial pursuit.
"
"he was born in a world full of strife,
then he grew and he found him a wife.
raised a couple of sprogs?
late in years, popped his clogs.
that's the be-all and end-all of life?
"
"buy 'em 'ere, it's a sure way to thrift:
pay me cash, no receipt, catch my drift?
what's that! ""stolen bloomers""?!
who's spreading these rumours?
they're lovely, they're silk, they're a gift.
"
"call it bedeguar gall (proper name);
robin's pin cushion, though, means the same.
it's the home or repose
for a grub on a rose
whilst it grows to a wasp. that's its aim.
"
"the buck rarebit doesn't go hopping;
it's a snack that's become rather whopping.
melt some cheese on your toast
and then let it be host
to an egg that is poached, as a topping.
"
"you'll be guaranteed swift termination
by your radioactive creation.
stand a little too close,
get acute level dose?
it's the quietest form of cremation.
"
"take some lead?just one twelfth of a pound?
form a ball; make it perfectly round.
then its size 'cross the middle
should answer the riddle:
it's the bore of a twelve-gauge you've found.
"
"when i want metal parts for my boat
to propel it or keep it afloat,
there are more pros than cons
with aluminum bronze?
no corrosion will capture my vote.
"
"accountableness will ensue
when your actions are honest and true.
but a wordsmith houdini
floats off like a genie;
how d'ya do it, bill*? give us a clue.
"
"a cock's egg's just white in a shell;
there's no yolk, it's a dead sort of cell?
from a juvenile bird?
but a myth, quite absurd,
claims it hatches a creature from hell.
"
"the result of a vote, most agreeing,
brings progress and change into being.
in boxes, through portals,
a tally of mortals;
these ayes are for counting, not seeing.
"
"sex is banned! read the banderol text,
which at first had the people perplexed;
but this order?absurd,
by a government nerd,
very soon had the populace vexed.
"
"cook islands, pacific isle chain,
have ck as their coded domain
for computer connections
to make such selections
as dot-co and such in their train.
"
"this chart deals with pass (but not fail),
with motions that tell their own tale?
for the texture's a guide
to the workings inside.
how's your crap on the bristol stool scale?
"
"she's so sweaty and fat, and she'll cuss
at the make-up she needs. what a fuss!
as each layer assembles,
it's clear she resembles
one thing, the back end of a bus.
"
"they are married, their new life begun.
there'll be strife, but a whole lot of fun.
they appear at the door;
lads start racing, full bore,
and the broose, a tradition, is run.
"
"abutment cranes builders will choose.
they will keep them from many a bruise,
saving anger and tears,
building towers or piers
by employing a clever old ruse.
"
"i'm an arch, but in need of some height;
so i'm built over piers?quite a sight!
an abutment, i'm great
as an elegant gate,
or when space on the ground's a bit tight.
"
"it bain't a right cleverish notion
when thinking of crossing the ocean
to have bathtubs in mind
of the cast-iron kind?
'cause they sail with a downwardish motion.
"
"the first in the count would be aen;
number two (mostly white) becomes taen.
carry on, but don't sleep?
it's the way to count sheep
on the land of the dales-country man.
"
"also known by the acronym scuba,
it's most useful if diving off cuba.
you may swim where you dare,
breathing aqua-lung air.
but you shouldn't try playing the tuba.
"
"if your lotions and creams show decay,
there's a way to avoid your dismay:
benzylparahydroxy-
benzoate (sounds poxy)
holds myxomycetes at bay.
"
"hore-belisha created a sign;
flashing beacons on poles which align
on each side of the street?
with a path it's complete,
and now crossing the road's more benign.
"
"a plate made of copper, annealed,
then etched and electrically steeled,
through acierage goes,
and the clarity shows:
on long runs of print, it's revealed.
"
"""a la mort!"" came the cry from the crew.
""you must pay us the wage we are due.""
be it wages or bets
you must settle your debts
or your debts may just amortise you.
"
"when the tip of your drill wants to wander
all hither and thither and yonder,
i've a kind of a hunch
that a good centre punch
is a tool that you really should ponder.
"
"if you work for george cayley, take fright,
for today you just might  take a flight!
it's eighteen fifty-three?
john (a coachman) flies free,
fifty years ere those fellows called wright.
"
"in the army they gave him a gun
and a pair of big boots?made him run.
when he moaned 'bout a blister,
his sergeant said, ""mister,
them's fine beetle-crushers, my son.""
"
"arvicoline creatures, it's known,
can damage the crops that you've sown.
it's hard work, arviculture....
some four legged ""vulture""
may eat the young shoots you have grown.
"
"harvest home, now the last sheaf is scythed;
though this sheaf is not one to be tithed.
'twill a corn dolly fashion,
preserving grain's passion
till winter's long burden is lithed.
"
"""they must go!"" said lord gray, then he spat?
""so make cochrane the first, and that's that;
who will do us the deed?""
""me,"" said angus, with speed.
""well then, archibald, go bell the cat.""
"
"they'd do battle as cricket teams can;
one supreme, on account of one man.
and so bradman was named
as the one to be tamed
by employing the bodyline plan.
"
"miss elizabeth phelps, known as lizzy,
ran in circles until she was dizzy.
when she fell on her face,
she was asked, ""why the pace?""
she replied, ""well, i like to keep busy.""
"
"some expressions have several senses,
including description and tenses;
thus a choke-pear can be?
bitter fruit from a tree
or a means of subduing defences.
"
"it's a big one, a heavyweight hammer,
an about-sledge, a hot-iron whammer.
it'll readily fettle
yon hot glowing metal,
together with blacksmithy yammer.
"
"in the fishing grounds, coopering liquor
with the trawlermen, earning a nicker,
they were coopers and copers,
supplying the topers
the means to make death even quicker.
"
"haul the sled to the top?one more heave?
for a run no one else can achieve.
pad our elbows and knees.
whizz as fast as we please,
on the snow, down the brae or the cleeve.
"
"every cat's in the group ailuroidea.
have their gardening habits annoyed ya?
they only eat meat
so it doesn't smell sweet,
which is why they all try to avoid ya.
"
"said the builder, ""this ain't gonna sell?
it's a narrow and windowless shell.""
said the architect, ""clown!
you've the plan upside down?
you're supposed to be sinking a well.""
"
"i advise the mechanic, ben gunny,
that my aeroplane engine sounds funny.
when i ask, ""can you cure it?""
he says, ""i'll ensure it?
sounds serious?give me the money.""
"
"""don't play with your greens, don't you dare!""
say my parents; it's rotten, i swear,
that they feed me this muck
whilst they happily tuck
into achlorophyllous-type fare.
"
"i don't need a nanny or maid;
they won't fill the bill i'm afraid.
my assistant must share
my commitment and care;
for my aims are in need of an aide.
"
"it's naught but a trick of the light,
so you couldn't observe it at night.
anthelion's shining
is due to aligning
of sunshine and ice crystals bright.
"
"it's a mix (mostly meat) in a skin;
an old car; or a firework's din.
a banger can be
any one of those three,
or a madam enjoying her sin.
"
"hello! i'm the new doctor who.
we've been here before, quite a few.
i look different now,
but you'll know me somehow:
i'm an antecedaneous brew.
"
"i'm acanthophis, native to ""oz.""
you should leave me alone, just because
i'm known as death adder;
as snakes go, none badder:
one bite and ""i am"" becomes ""was.""
"
"as head of this church i shall posit:
archpresbyters have their own closet.
whether bucket or flushed,
they are not to be rushed
in their archpresbytery deposit.
"
"last year it was april in paris,
when she tripped up and showed us her aris.
she don't wear alan whickers?
you guessed it, that's knickers.
she's a right cockney sparrah, my clarice.
"
"in ancient asuka, japan,
lived the abe, a prominent clan.
they built abedera,
none locally fairer;
a temple to buddha, their plan.
"
"i selected the wine with great care.
and the vintage?  exceedingly rare!
but in serving my guest
what i thought was my best,
i had poured her a coke unaware.
"
"your blood or your sweat or your tears?
or that urine from too many beers?
or what women excite?
(such a thrill in the night!)
those are bodily fluids, my dears.
"
"if we all will stay strong, never slack,
then our enemy won't dare attack.
we think peace is a surety
through collective security.
they attack one, we'll all whack 'em back.
"
"he's a ""prince"" ? if his arm's in a vise.
if at gunpoint, he'll give in a trice.
he's a rogue.  he's a villain.
but when forced, he's quite willin'.
he's a man most compellably nice.
"
"at this site about lim'rick curation,
we'll confess to a certain fixation.
we must first quite ensure
that each rhyme we secure
has a strict anapestic formation.
"
"in the store, i reflect in confusion.
that profusion of wine's no illusion.
yet, the wine that i want?
well, i'm left in the hunt,
and it looks like there'll be no conclusion.
"
"first the pain hit my feet when i'd tread.
it ascended ? my legs felt like lead.
now an ache most severe
has appeared in my rear.
if it reaches my head, i'll be . . .
"
"i was hexed by this witch down the street;
then my spouse took up voodoo to cheat!
and my sleep's gone erratic
with ghosts in my attic.
my cursedness seems quite complete.
"
"i love digital records! oh my!
as the gigabytes mount to the sky,
i'm on point to ensure
that your data's secure.
i'm your database management guy.
"
"she bragged of her gifts, without tact,
to her charities (dollars exact!).
so we gave her a frown;
she shut up and sat down.
'twas her only beneficent act.
"
"abduction! by whom? the solution:
their call suggests clear attribution.
joe was kidnapped. he's small,
yet they said he was tall,
so the gang must be all lilliputian.
"
"in computing the path one expects
our projectile will take (with its specs),
we'll assume a flat earth ?
one of infinite girth ?
else the math is just way too complex.
"
"practiced colature (straining technique)
is performed by top chefs as we speak.
while just pasta some sieve,
many others may give
a fruit sauce or a soup a nice tweak.
"
"i'm a thoroughly darwinist guy.
it's survival by fitness, i cry.
variation's the means ?
chance changes our genes.
the creationists?  pie in the sky.
"
"this dog, with its pivot and sweep,
is the consummate master of sheep.
it's both speedy and smart,
a pet good for your heart ?
you'll be active, not lying asleep.
"
"the countryside's not so concerned
with fashion or power.  they've learned
through their work and their crops
that their families are tops.
it's a grounding that's not to be spurned.
"
"king croesus kept treasures indeed.
today, ponzis and pirates succeed.
each new generation,
as an act of creation,
raises rogues who contemporize greed.
"
"the tale of our tribe was so hoary ?
we had heroes and gods in their glory.
now it's spent all its sparkle ?
dna matriarchal
blew that anthropogonic old story.
"
"a photographer's skill's oft concealed.
say he's artfully used depth of field:
rendered sharp is a bird,
while the background's well blurred.
thus, the beauty of nature's revealed.
"
"on the street, skip's a skater superb ?
setting trends, his inventions reverb!
but when nervous or surly,
he'll jump a bit early.
you'd say he's ahead of the curb.
"
"the slope between high tide and low
is the beach face, whose beauty we owe
to those waves washing home ?
endless tides with their foam ?
giving shape to the sand with their flow.
"
"in a threat, i find culture's veneer
can be shed in an instant.  i hear
something deep vent a growl;
i'm a beast on the prowl ?
atavistic, alert, without fear.
"
"said the prez, ""our economy's trending
to recession.  we see it descending.
so my stimulus pitch
to get out of this ditch?
let's engage in some deficit spending.""
"
"an economists' conference that i
was attending one torrid july
served tacos quite spicy,
then beer, nice and icy.
(a demand shock ensued, i imply.)
"
"with daylight and twilight long past,
now the blackness of night holds me fast.
there's a harrowing growl
of some beast on the prowl.
and i shiver in darkness, aghast.
"
"i make money from money ? no joke ?
trading euros and dollars with folk.
though i'm often maligned,
i'm no rascal, you'll find,
i'm a currency arbitrage bloke.
"
"once the co-pilot's point had been made,
then the storm and its danger were weighed.
""our decision is right,""
said the pilot. ""this flight
is deliberatively delayed.""
"
"twenty masters of limericks agreed
to cut back on their weight and their feed.
now they're each looking trim,
but their word flow is slim;
they can hardly a haiku exceed.
"
"cutaneous (skin) stimulation
can shape a romantic sensation.
press your lips to her cheek?
you'll have no need to speak
to achieve skin-to-skin conversation.
"
"there are questions to ponder about.
what if dinosaurs hadn't died out?
we can learn quite a lot
from conjectural thought.
what if poor people had all the clout?
"
"""a disexercised word,"" dan explained,
""through disuse, has its meaning quite drained.
there's a paradise lost
of such words ? what a cost!
but with new use, the meaning's retrained.""
"
"politicians debated with vigor;
their points had more passion than rigor.
constructional?  yes!
not for answers, i'd guess ?
building friendships, their views reconfigure.
"
"once a con artist triggers his sting,
the mark's hot and may threaten to bring
down the law.  to buy time ?
""just bad luck, not a crime.""
that's the cool down, the grift's final swing.
"
"so the weather was clearing?  ""ok.""
when ike said so, the troops would obey,
cross the channel to france
for the allied advance
over there.  overlord underway!
"
"coral's morals are out of control.
sex and toping have taken their toll.
with her weakness of will,
any scandalous thrill
fuels her fancy, the dissolute soul.
"
"as your better (some say your oppressor),
i set rules and correct each transgressor.
you'll conform most ideally,
while i despotize freely:
my role as your english professor.
"
"a century back, it seemed clear
that each civilized culture must steer
a more primitive tribe
its old ways to proscribe ?
to detribalize, something to cheer.
"
"i love wine sold in boxes. it's ""green.""
it's less costly, less wasteful.  it's clean!
but with guests, you just might
fill carafes out of sight.
'cause those farting sounds?  gross and obscene!
"
"with objective precision, he'd stare at her
through a tool that he focused with care at her.
""you're well within norms
and quite pleasant in forms,
as assessed with my female comparator.""
"
"poor penelope's paycheck's been cashed,
but her salary's seemingly slashed.
once her taxes are paid,
and deductions are made,
her disposable income's been trashed!
"
"the executor's call had us flocking;
mom's codicil set knees a-knocking.
she'd bequeathed us three pails
and a handbook on snails
as an afterthought, spiteful and mocking.
"
"""damn, chokka! and chokker! i'm landed,""
spluttered squid, out of water and stranded.
it's a sound most pathetic;
onomatopoetic.
he is destined for food, being candid.
"
"this word has no root to embrace,
a mnemonic, just filling in space.
but celarent will show
how the logic can flow
when this mood is applied to a case.
"
"the apple of sodom looks sweet,
oh so ripe! and so tempting! a treat!
but appearance deceives?
there's a puff; all it leaves
is the skin and some threads, what a cheat!
"
"""we need some more height?haul that rope!""
but the gang just looked back and said, ""nope,
all this tackle's locked tight,
it's now chock-a-block?right!
and we can't force it free, not a hope.""
"
"there's a bang, then a buzzing and thud,
a howl and a scream; dripping blood.
it's a message of hate
from a weapon of state,
a baton round: up to no good.
"
"said the elderly farmer, ""it's fine,
it's repaired to my own grand design?
nailed together and bound
and held well off the ground
by the finest of old binder twine.""
"
"there was caffa, a rich silken weave,
that had damask's allure, we believe.
though it's long out of fashion,
it still stirs a passion
that indians seek to achieve.
"
"""an air miss?"" the pilot's protesting,
""it was three hundred metres?you're jesting.""
but consider the speed?
it's a danger indeed,
and in safety you should be investing.
"
"""is there room for one more in the van?""
the reply: ""are we beans in a can?
it's so chock-full in here
that we're all dead, i fear,
if it don't go according to plan.""
"
"discarded, my dream's blown away.
i'm deceived ? made a fool, a clich?.
facing facts, though they're hard,
leaves me wary, on guard.
disenchantment?is rampant today.
"
"this is you if you hew to the view
that we've screwed up the world that we knew.
there can be no repair.
buy a gun, say a prayer.
clearly chaos is coming.  we're  through!
"
"so that loophole you found brought big pay ?
you made millions that glorious day!
but there's one little drawback,
the government's clawback:
new laws that will tax it away.
"
"a disgruntled young doorman named nate
found his job minding doors second rate.
so a cop he became,
but was shot. what a shame!
now forever he tends heaven's gate.
"
"now our bass notes sound somewhat like growls.
and our high notes?  related to howls.
we confess that our pitch
is a bit in the ditch.
we disharmonize ? fine for two owls.
"
"hugh's appraised the huge house so admiringly,
and assessed their fine art most desiringly.
now he calls fellow thieves
and insures he achieves
one more link in a life lived conspiringly.
"
"for our era, disporting with speed,
sure, dispeed is a word we should need.
but we move much too fast
to weave words from our past.
it's a pity, but how we proceed.
"
"wrote the anthropological nerd,
""tribal life here's a trifle absurd.
with the women so draped,
and the men oddly shaped,
they find sex a discouraging word.""
"
"in a tumbledown temple in crete,
warned our guide, ""calmly move to the street
in event of a quake.""
well, just then ? quite a shake!
(we dispeopled that site, beatin' feet.)
"
"""one man's left for the station!"" i cheer.
said pete, ""that's confusing, i fear.
is he just on his way,
or the last one to stay?
autoantonyms often aren't clear.""
"
"now the weather has warmed, i admit
i'm a farmer at heart, and it's fit.
green from brown is my thing;
i can't feel part of spring
till my hands have been dirtied a bit.
"
"pierced by pain, in despair, ever sicker ?
snuffing death comes tonight, even quicker.
did macbeth find a handle,
calling ""out ? out brief candle""?
broken breath, ashen eyes ? final flicker.
"
"while big bankers are having their way,
we're deceived, played the fool, made to pay.
here they're gambling, not loaning.
we're broken, bemoaning.
it's rich how the poor have no say.
"
"alaska and asia once kissed
at beringia, that land bridge now missed.
though men crossed, so we learn,
they would never return.
glacial waters had closed like a fist.
"
"in this drunk tank, i've time to reflect
on my binge and the family i wrecked.
it's my cue for correction.
a new self-direction:
disintoxicate, build self-respect.
"
"so this morning, the boss cut my pay.
and my project?  in full disarray.
my toyota tonight
went berserk.  what a fright!
all in all, a disquietive day.
"
"at trafalgar, lord nelson was bold ?
cut the french line of battle, we're told.
but while walking his deck,
caught a slug in the neck.
now he's dead, on his column, and cold.
"
"a developing country boasts growth,
youth and energy ? no hint of sloth.
though there's risk, to be sure,
and hard work to endure,
global firms find that growth is worth both.
"
"""to be aimless?  that's hardly alive.
have a goal!  build a plan!  live to strive!""
like his brothers, his bent
had this focused intent.
with this conative mindset, he'd thrive.
"
"moving plants so your garden's a prize?
or extracting some flies from your pies?
say you're giving a kidney
to your first cousin, sydney.
displantation's the word that applies.
"
"first the boss flew downstairs in a fluster:
""our deadline's today! we must muster
our best workers now.
we're behind!  holy cow!""
then the office erupted with bluster.
"
"you want cygon, that strong plant systemic
insecticide? eco-polemic!
for home use it's banned,
so i've none left on hand.
oh, your aphids? they'll go epidemic.
"
"as electroconvulsive shocks shook
the poor patient, doc cried, ""i'll unhook!
ac current is so
au courant, don't you know,
but his cranium's starting to cook.""
"
"""there she breaches!  she breaches!""  ? the cry
from the crew of the pequod, sung high.
moby dick, now in sight,
was so close that the fight
ahab sought with that whale would be nigh.
"
"it was early, preceding the storm,
shrieking warning a twister would form,
so we sought someplace low,
fraught with fright through that blow.
thank the system.  survival's the norm.
"
"i'm a grump in the morning for sure ?
call for coffee and quiet de jure.
but my kids laugh and giggle,
then tickle and wiggle.
(such ebulliency's hard to endure.)
"
"the employment agreement you signed
has low wages, no pension ? and, mind,
your inventions are ours;
you concede all your powers.
you're just ""labor"" ? consigned and maligned.
"
"convection cells clearly convey
nature's way on a hot summer's day,
'cause that warm air first rises,
then falls, then surprises:
a thunderstorm blows you away.
"
"cliff's our closer.  this deal's on the line.
watch him work:  over dinner and wine,
all their fears he'll soon soothe.
he's so damnably smooth!
by dessert, they'll be ready to sign.
"
"my?e-learning?course on the net?
it's high tech for the indolent set.
see, the prof is a bot,
and those mind pills it's got
let you download and never forget.
"
"in the market, it's utter simplicity:
lower price, and with near synchronicity,
the demand will increase!
but how much, piece by piece,
is the heart of demand elasticity.
"
"dry-stone walls in new england!  a scheme
built with stones (no cement), so they seem
worked by nature and you,
two-on-one, one-on-two,
as you fit, reconfigure and dream.
"
"wrote the ornithological nerd,
""i describe a dimorphic new bird ?
note the male is so small
and the female so tall,
when they mate, he's dispatched by a turd.""
"
"why is it that limericks flow
if the topic's decidedly low?
it takes little to coax
scatological jokes;
nasty anapests seem apropos.
"
"dear rich dad disinherited me.
but, once poor, i determined to be
yet a man of great means,
which i am.  it's our genes,
son, so i'm disinheriting thee.
"
"we dry-farm our vineyard by choice.
without watering, vines can give voice
through their roots, deep and fine,
to a sensuous wine.
the yield's low, but our palates rejoice.
"
"inflation's your friend when in debt.
(you'll pay off in cheap dollars, no sweat.)
but then once you're retired ?
your fixed pension hard-wired ?
a deflationist view you'll abet.
"
"distractedness ? curse of the net!
my attention span's zip.  i forget,
after hundreds of sites
and some billions of bytes,
why the hell i logged on.  i'm upset!
"
"those election-time ads are on fire,
where we hear from some dour decrier:
""our opponent's a bum.
he's a scoundrel and scum!
(don't presume our morality's higher.)""
"
"my apologies, sir, on my word!
my courtesy flush won't be heard.
i feel like a fool,
since i'd swallowed a jewel
and must thoroughly check every turd.
"
"take a grapefruit, a pungent selection.
between ""poles"", cut a simple cross-section.
you've a radiant spot
for a cherry, and not
many calories . . .  diet perfection!
"
"wiped out in the crash of '08
were my 401(k) and estate.
now my house is worth less
than my mortgage.  i guess
tough to come, easy go is my fate.
"
"he's in love with a venus-shaped space,
where his fancy builds visions of grace.
now it's only his anima,
but he's (given his stamina)
his psychologist's longest-term case.
"
"now enron, recall, was the firm
whose accounting made auditors squirm.
for that system of lies
so profoundly unwise,
some execs earned a smart prison term.
"
"hester prynne's scarlet ""a"" would proclaim
her dishonor (though love was to blame).
how such puritan thought
leads to true social rot ?
that, we learn, is the damnable shame.
"
"a lamp maker, last name of kendrick,
sought to turn a nice pair for his friend, rick ?
the coaxial kind,
with all centers aligned,
though eccentric lamps kendrick did send rick.
"
"""98!"" claimed the wine-tasting clod.
""98!"" chimed his chum with a nod.
but 'twas not what it seemed,
for the wine they esteemed
had been poured from the spit cup.  (good god!)
"
"a mosquito tonight had a go
at my glass of 2000 bordeaux.
said ms. skeeter, ""divine
is the color of wine,
but the platelet count's dreadfully low.""
"
"veggie limericks in welsh are bizarre.
as ideas, they're as odd as there are.
if in cymru you're starving,
but it's meat that they're carving,
say, ""dydw i ddim yn bwyta cig neu cyw iar!""
"
"if your mind can grok digital chatter,
then computing's a simplified matter.
is your best mental finery
failing analog / binary?
then let software decipher the latter.
"
"a victorian lass with ennui
apathetically murmured, ""ah me,
i just couldn't care less
for forfeits or chess;
i so wish they'd invent the tv.""
"
"i'm an organized person, you know,
putting everything where it should go.
dewey decimal-based,
the file can't be misplaced...
i don't know where i've archived it, though.
"
"old admah, the biblical city,
was destined to end, more's the pity.
it was lumped in the torah
with sodom and gomorrah,
and so it got killed in committee.
"
"an anthropological geek
had sharpened his study technique
by observing his neighbors.
the fruit of his labors?
he's getting locked up for a week!
"
"mathematicians achieve true perfection
doing sums free from needing correction.
totting up an array
of whole integers, they
are performing quite flawless adjection.
"
"some call me a pack-rat, i fear,
but i'm a collector, it's clear.
it's all carefully sorted,
preserved, and supported ?
you see, i'm just archiving here!
"
"acceptable conduct for her
used to vary from that of her sir.
these times are more free,
so, appropriately,
she can choose the demure, or demur.
"
"'twas so plentiful we were surrounded;
the sheer magnitude of it astounded.
there was more than enough
of the...well, call it stuff?
the abundance so clearly abounded.
"
"she thought she had found true romance;
his words held her breathless in trance.
but his eyes oft would wander
to hither and yonder:
his glance would perchance go askance.
"
"nostradamus purported to see
apocalyptical visions, and he
wrote in quatrains divine,
but with one extra line
he'd have limericked predictions with glee.
"
"in a submarine under the sea,
you've a high-pressure job, you'll agree.
watch that depth gauge quite closely!
too deep?  you'll be grossly
sub-merged into crumpled debris.
"
"the bow compass, for lines that were curved,
was quite slick and left draftsmen well-served.
but such tools that they had
are replaced now by cad,
leaving tech-hating phobics unnerved.
"
"""the diurnal arc isn't a boat.
it's the path the sun takes,"" noah'd note,
""from the point of its rise
to its evening demise;
and it's longer in summer."" unquote.
"
"today, dogs seem quite kind, we'd agree,
and yet ""dog-hearted"" (cruel as can be)
wrote the bard, one sharp dude.
since will's time, we conclude
that our dogs have progressed more than we.
"
"well inflated to rounded exactedness,
balloons bobbed with overt overactedness.
""vote for russell!"" they twinkled.
but he lost.  now they're wrinkled,
and hang from the halls in contractedness.
"
"astrophysicists, faces aglow,
study lines stellar spectra bestow.
from their toolkit technomic,
they love their atomic
absorption spectroscopy so.
"
"say a guy's telling stories and lies.
disapprove? show that sense with your eyes.
sidelong looks at the lout
shout suspicion and doubt.
look askance ? it says ""lies are unwise.""
"
"he approaches his art as a dream
brought to earth.  an idea may well seem
too abstract ? say a ""bar""?
laid as rocks, how bizarre!
this conceptualist earns high esteem.
"
"vary incident lighting's direction
to a surface with planar perfection.
when the angle of light
becomes critical?  right!
you get total internal reflection.
"
"our firm's motto's  ""compete, don't control"",
so decentralization's our goal.
through decisions down low
by the folks in the know,
we change quickly, though not as a whole.
"
"there's a liquid suspended in air
in the mist you apply to your hair.
with this aerosol spray,
your new tacky toupee
looks well-groomed (but we all know it's there).
"
"i'd be stunned if you ever will see
any shopper more pleasant than me;
if an idiot clerk
is completely a jerk,
i will still reply amicably.
"
"global warming could generate heat
that would cause polar ice to retreat.
if the permafrost goes,
words like icebergs and floes
would, like arctically, be obsolete.
"
"lewis carroll's fantabulous book
about alice asleep by the brook
is surreal and so charming,
and gently disarming,
with absurdity baiting the hook.
"
"on the tv it's easy to view
anti-acne ads out the wazoo.
they each seek to assure
that they've got the best cure,
yet you simply might need to shampoo.
"
"the ailantus, a beautiful tree,
hails from lands near the south china sea.
though the wood's good for paper,
the blooms produce vapor
that sure ain't like fine potpourri.
"
"an echo's an answering call
or vibrations bounced back from a wall;
but does a duck's quack
come resoundingly back?
it's a question that keeps me in thrall.
"
"i just hate living here in this shack;
going out makes me dread coming back.
if i build a new wing,
it might give it some spring...
annex-tension?oh no! pun attack!
"
"""i demand that you stand and deliver!""
said the highwayman down by the river.
but he just didn't count
on his tremulous mount
knocking all of his arrows aquiver.
"
"a professional criminal gambled
he could leave the detectives all scrambled.
when fleeing the scene,
his standard routine
was never to run: he just ambled.
"
"it's time to decumulate now.
i'm retired and spending ? and how!
all those savings i'd stashed
are now fast getting cashed.
(i'll meet you at denny's for chow.)
"
"the big dipper is high, the night fair ?
second star down its handle's a pair.
though our sun's unattached,
this fine double star's matched;
you'll find alcor and mizar right there.
"
"seasons matter out here on the grange,
since our crops are the means of exchange.
maybe hay is the way
you'll repay the cafe.
yes, our currency's changeably strange.
"
"""a tornado is coming your way!""
doppler radar's dire warning may say.
a clear ""hook"" on its screen?
whirling winds on the scene.
to your cellar 'til all is okay.
"
"poor odorous scientist schroeder,
has a theory her life surely showed her:
one chooses to run
not for fitness or fun,
but to flee from one's strong body odor.
"
"our new tests show results confirmational,
and the data are quite correlational:
those who exercise well
oft perspire and smell.
(we're debating which factor's causational.)
"
"we share value in roads where we drive,
or the schools where our children can thrive,
so that each of us cares
how our commonweal fares.
our collectivist spirit's alive.
"
"two bright astrophysical nerds
sought dark matter (ethereal words).
so they switched to scatology
(nice terminology).
dark matter? they're studying turds.
"
"in alice's afternoon dreams
(and so slickly in grace's, it seems),
lives the dormouse who's sleepy,
whose comments seem creepy
since treacle and drugs are his themes.
"
"in the sixties, the draft boards were big
in conscripting for vietnam's gig.
you're 2-s?   stay in school.
classed 1-a?  then, poor fool,
you'd be headed for 'nam or the brig.
"
"take your mom, who's unsure who's your dad,
'cause her math skills are awfully bad.
add the fact that she carried
without being married,
and i fear you're a bastard, my lad.
"
"i remember a place where it's balmy?
warm winds, turquoise seas, and trees palmy.
i miss those jeweled islands,
but now i seek highlands,
since that incident with the tsunami.
"
"it's a feminine form of high treason,
betraying ourselves beyond reason,
as we twist and we squirm
(am i thin, am i firm?),
and we dive into bathing suit season.
"
"a fast-growing grass pandas chew,
with the strength to build furniture, too;
a renewable source
for paper: of course,
the plant i'm describing's bamboo.
"
"too friendly by far, salesman jack
is a load of old pus in a sack.
he thinks he's so dapper,
that sleazy backslapper?
once more, and i slap him right back!
"
"actor harrison ford played a flip
adventurer, slick with a whip.
a stinging reversal
came during rehearsal?
the backlash! (his whip gave him lip.)
"
"walt disney, with great inspiration,
was prepared for his last presentation.
his will was precise;
he was frozen in ice:
suspended (ahem) animation.
"
"well, i must say, of all of your flock,
i admire your rooster ? his walk
is so jaunty and sassy.
your bantam is classy.
you know, that's a mighty small cock!
"
"autobiographical wails
are tell-alls for pumping up sales:
you're pushing your story?
the glamour, the glory;
they're looking for gory details.
"
"the afterguard works on the rear
of the sloop while asea or at pier.
these are ""seamen"" who troop
on the aft deck or ""poop""...
[please insert your own punchline right here.]
"
"the amish live simply and well.
as builders they truly excel.
they begin at first light
and they work until night,
raising barns up without raising hell.
"
"in a back dive, just follow this rule,
if you don't want to look like a fool:
stand facing the board
and jump off, but good lord!
it's essential to land in the pool!
"
"so you went for a night on the town,
drank too much, started acting the clown;
now you've challenged some guys
who've got arms more like thighs,
so i think you had better back down.
"
"skies darken, the trees start to rattle;
their friends flee like stampeding cattle.
they use words sharp and strong;
they've been married too long?
now their passion is all for the battle.
"
"in order to get really clean,
make washing a daily routine:
just a scrub-a-dub-dub
in that porcelain tub.
you should bathe?right this instant, i mean!
"
"shi-shi poshspot, a restaurant skewed
to the hopelessly trendy, has mood
by the bucket, the pail,
ambiance you inhale?
well, you sure wouldn't go for the food.
"
"since i haven't the notion to breed,
men fulfill more diversion than need.
but they're useful to wed
for a backrest in bed
that you lean against nights while you read.
"
"in the backwoods where nobody goes,
a silence spreads out, and it grows.
underneath the dark trees
no human eye sees;
and what's lying there, nobody knows.
"
"i was feeling a touch of malaise,
due perhaps to the shortening days.
i tried some white light
for it sounded quite bright
to administer tropical rays.
"
"skilled fishermen need to devise
a science when tying off flies,
for if anglers miscast
in a manner half-assed,
the darn hooks may wind up in their thighs.
"
"i admit that i'm badminton-smitten.
it's a pastime that comes from great britain.
it's like tennis with whimsy;
the rackets are flimsy,
but the shuttlecock boings when it's hitten.
"
"off alaska's southwesternmost tip,
the aleutians are shaped like a whip.
but don't take your vacation
near the old loran station
on attu. it's not worth the trip.
"
"pachydermal police on the beat
have no stealth, but remain kinda neat?
but beware above all
any apb call
(all-points bulletin) when underfeet!
"
"you've deftly chipped out your design
in alto-relievo. divine!
this high-relief carving
is great, and i'm starving.
i hope it goes well with the wine.
"
"little and serves a function sublime
quite apart from inspiring this rhyme:
joining two verbs together
like birds of a feather
as in, ""come up and see me some time.""
"
"i was plagued by a terrible itch
that was making me fidget and twitch.
but my scratching created
an itch aggravated;
turns out mom was right, the old witch.
"
"adolescence was such a wild ride,
hormones raging and passions untried;
but now i've matured,
my libido's secured?
less ad libitum, better applied.
"
"the travelling salesman (a worm)
got the farmer's girl preg... um?infirm.
oh, but wait, silly me,
that's not very p.c.,
agriculturalist now is the term.
"
"if you're pulling another all-nighter,
consider a highlighting writer.
fluorescent ink glows,
and you learn, i suppose,
by accentuating that which is brighter.
"
"a pig snout with extra extension,
and jackrabbit ears, not to mention
rhino toenails, it's true,
and a tail like a 'roo:
mr. aardvark deserves our attention.
"
"archetypical archetypes feel
like my perfect platonic ideal.
but collective mankind
sends my jungian mind
the reminder, ""c'mon, keep it real!""
"
"apocryphal, one could construe,
means ""spurious, doubtful, untrue.""
yet why, while the bible
is gospel, not libel,
is the apocrypha seen as askew?
"
"the fellows were playing stud poker;
the game was intense, a real smoker.
with deft sleight of hand
william fooled them, as planned?
he'd anted with phil's chips, the joker.
"
"and used for if is now quaint,
which i know is a minor complaint;
but it's also confusing
as and you are using
a palette of only one paint.
"
"i inspect with great care every label
placed on products i buy for my table.
i think additives sure
make our food most impure,
but i might have bought into a fable.
"
"he's covered in prison tattoos,
and that looks like fresh blood on his shoes.
i've got my suspicions
the sunday edition's
too thin for this stack of bad news.
"
"the best public restroom's designed
with a person-in-need's needs in mind.
when people who've waited
are accommodated,
the neighborhood smells more refined.
"
"the saucer from deep outer space
whooshed down with astonishing grace.
it returned joseph crater,
and then, a while later,
abducted a cow in his place.
"
"first a quake shook the whole city block
where van halen was playing hard rock,
then a marbled sky swirled
like the end of the world?
it was shock, aftershock, after shock.
"
"when working with numbers, i tense,
because math doesn't make any sense!
in my job as a nurse,
acalculia's curse
means i can't count the pills i dispense.
"
"your bandwagon gathers recruits,
like a haywagon's harvest pursuits.
you're collecting not grasses,
but support from the masses,
making hay at the local grass roots.
"
"in his bathhouse the old man has toys?
rubber duckies and boats he deploys
in defense of the drains;
it's the place he maintains
his escape to the land of lost boys.
"
"they were married ten years, so she thought.
in the end, though, it all was for naught.
annulling their bond
was her husband's hot blonde?
now revealed as the wife he ""forgot.""
"
"rome's first emperor somewhat unjustly
seized power, yet reigned most robustly.
his name change was greatly
to brand him more stately,
inspired by presiding augustly.
"
"a flea, poised to fly, caught the flu,
and his sinus was stuffed up with goo.
since he worried air travel
would further unravel
his health, he stayed put in peru.
"
"that doctor put drops in my eyes,
made my pupils both double in size.
see, atropine's made
from the deadly nightshade...
but i hope it won't cause my demise.
"
"this word now has nuance galore
and implies a plantation decor,
but despite that fine savor
and mint julep flavor,
antebellum means ""time before war.""
"
"do you celebrate holidays? fewish.
do you never say prayers? yes, that's trueish.
an acediast, i
just explain with a sigh,
""see, i don't need to practice?i'm jewish.""
"
"to twist up long hair like a star,
one could use a barrette and go far.
but that cute little clip
simply can't get a grip?
so in your case, let's use the whole bar.
"
"for farmers familiar with plowin',
a second crop, known as a rowen
(it's what aftermath means),
can produce lots of beans
or zucchini plants, weather allowin'.
"
"this profession, a bit of a fad,
uses smells to heal sickness and sad,
which is great, as it goes,
but my eyes, not my nose,
read ""aroma-the-rapist""...that's bad!
"
"the musicians were sitting on high,
on parade on the fourth of july,
'til their drunken horse tripped
and the bandwagon flipped.
what a way for the music to die!
"
"the flowerful, hip baby boomers
turned out to be such good consumers.
they once rock 'n' rolled;
now they're just getting old,
as they stew over rumors of tumors.
"
"an anthologizer, stricken with flu
lamented, ""oh what shall i do?
i've compiled all the best
from the limerick fest,
but i'm too ill to publish?achoo!""
"
"the wilderness known as the backland
is virgin, without-any-track-land.
it's home to the moose
and the goose and the spruce?
well, until it's decreed lumberjack-land.
"
"despite every firm resolution,
phil felt filled with immoral pollution.
he petitioned the priest
that his sins be decreased,
every day seeking new absolution.
"
"ball bearings are not too profound:
they're just balls in a ring racing round,
helping shafts in their movement?
that's quite an improvement
on the ball baring you've done, you hound!
"
"in describing the origin of man,
charles darwin sincerely began
sketching anthropogenesis.
if true science, then is his
theory not part of god's plan?
"
"at the pet shop we endlessly wait,
buying food for our koi and her mate.
and they'll gorge 'til they're sated,
their hunger abated?
enough! let's just use them as bait.
"
"without thinking of what could betide,
we all piled aboard for the ride,
'til a horse threw a shoe
and the wheels went askew
and the bandwagon fell on its side.
"
"the painter the bishop had hired
arrived at our church looking wired.
he put red dayglo paint
on our favorite saint.
said the priest, ""desecrator, you're fired.""
"
"like a map lay moline 'neath my flight,
with its streets well defigured in light.
though 'twas night, i could see
where my mari must be!
but a cloud then disfigured the sight.
"
"smithereens, also shamrock and keen,
shillelagh, galore and colleen:
drawn from irish, welsh, manx,
and scots gaelic, give thanks
for these celticisms still on the scene.
"
"the director says, ""no vacillation!
you'll be heading our new deputation:
the pandemic committee
in our worst-stricken city.
you'll get hazardous work compensation.""
"
"""call me 'rino', you know ?"" and i quote her,
""gop, but obama promoter.
back on primary day,
went the democrat way.
so that codes me a crossover voter.""
"
"in new england, stone walls still abound
deep in woods, where their ruins confound.
and just why they were laid
is now lost.  they've decayed.
man builds square ? but then nature comes 'round.
"
"roadkill skunk?  better fresh.  are you shocked?
dig a hole, drop him in.  job time's clocked.
your turn now.   god, what rot!
two dead dogs, ripe and hot.
turns my gut ? smell that flesh deconcoct.
"
"""doc, i think i am losing my mind ?
concentration and reason unwind.""
""yes, there's clear indication
of slow dementation.
reading limericks will do that, we find.""
"
"i googled my birthplace today.
all those maps and their street views portray
where i'd run as a boy
in those summers of joy ?
now i sit and just zoom a display.
"
"you're thinking that bank-dwelling bird?
but in autumn '08, you'd have heard
many banks give up moans
over real estate loans ?
one hard swallow as losses occurred.
"
"bifold lexemes unfold, gently ringing;
twofold sonance unrolled, softly swinging;
every concept expressed
using lyrics compressed
into doublets, duets, ever singing.
"
"the absorbancy index will say
how much light becomes lost from a ray
as it travels through mass,
solid, liquid or gas,
exponentially fading away.
"
"long ago, when young men studied latin,
and young ladies wore corsets and satin,
to woo and beguile
was a matter of style.
now it's booty calls, webcams, and chattin'!
"
"all those guys at the bathhouse, i swear!
at my push-up bikini they stare,
then give cheers of hurrah
when i open my bra,
for my bosoms are naked and bare.
"
"if your arm or leg's totally numb,
you've got acroagnosis, old chum.
it's quite handy, you know,
when you stub your big toe
or you slam the car door on your thumb!
"
"my company makes lots of dough,
which is subject to taxes, you know.
above-the-line's shown
what i keep for my own.
and everything else? down below.
"
"no matter how often i scour
for hour upon torturous hour,
this bathybial scum
just continues to come
in my bathroom sink, toilet and shower!
"
"in recorders, the block is what's there
to ensure that the flow of the air
in the mouthpiece collides
with the lip, and divides ?
thus producing a sound i can't bear.
"
"a knight put his armour to bed,
left on horseback to paint the town red,
got to town, and then chanced
on a foe and got lanced ?
so now he's out painting it dead.
"
"if your respiratory system is humming,
making whispers, fine crackling or drumming,
then it's nothing benign:
you have abrahams' sign.
(read: a case of tb is forthcoming.)
"
"i knew there was trouble ahead
when i hired the builder's son, fred.
i exclaimed, ""whoa there, shaggy,
a house can't be baggy!""
""oh, that's just the ball room,"" he said.
"
"antique email spam for a gent
(if there could have been one of them sent),
might have read, ""be incessant,
with this balm, you're accrescent,
growing larger e'en after you've spent!""
"
"assai's not a breath of lament,
nor a country i'd have to invent.
it's a musical phrase,
so you knows when you plays
to do more?it means ""very"", i meant.
"
"it was said of houdini that he,
when restrained, always worked himself free
with great concentration,
abarticulation,
and tricks that nobody could see.
"
"when a child hits the terrible twos,
he discovers the way to refuse.
it's called ""acting out"":
he'll have tantrums and pout,
agitating his parents to booze.
"
"""the play,"" said the overwrought critic,
""was unto my heart catalytic.
the theme seared my soul
like a slow-burning coal?
my review will proclaim: 'anthracitic!'""
"
"brazen steven at college said, ""look,
ain't no way i will pay for this book?
let me have it for free
like i'll get my degree,
sailing past any class i don't hook.""
"
"i have come with some gum for a snack:
it's just chicle, a nickel a pack!
what i'm choosing to do
includes chewing straight through
every stick that i've stuck in this stack.
"
"these two golfers walk into a bar
for a shot and perhaps a cigar.
one's a pro, one's a vicar,
they went to drink liquor?
and now they're both way over par.
"
"the cannibals start up a waltz
(they can't dance, you know?one of their faults).
the schmuck in the pot
should be worried. he's not;
he's mistaken the spice for bath salts.
"
"though your dog is a cute piece of fluff,
i'll be honest. i've had quite enough
of his scratching and clawing
and constant begnawing?
he's chewing up all of my stuff!
"
"producing a classical score
is an art that i simply adore,
but since i've been broke
i write jingles for coke??
it's my art that i've had to bewhore.
"
"when i saw them, i swelled with emotion
and i swore my undying devotion
to these nymphs of the sea,
to these gill-bearing three?
the branchiferous maids of the ocean.
"
"the ppsh-41
is a soviet-patented gun
that confirms in a trice
a good piece of advice:
if a burp's coming up, you should run!
"
"tying cordage of varying thickness
needs a level of shrewdness and slickness.
but the albright's a knot
that can help you a lot
to achieve this with relative quickness.
"
"i enjoy spinning wool i can stitch,
and i bought a new batch labeled ""britch"".
then i learned it's the dregs
from the tail and the legs,
and so spinning this stuff is a b#@$%!
"
"with my braininess (use of the wits)
i reduce the whole party to fits,
for if anyone tries
to take me by surprise,
i shall brainily quip him to bits!
"
"i'd a saturday evening to spare,
but andromeda, beverly, claire,
donna, suzan, and lizzie
all said they were busy.
so, desperate, i hit on pierre.
"
"in my heart, thoughts of riches he kindled,
then slowly but surely they dwindled.
though i bartered and fought,
that old badgerer brought
down my price?me, the swindler, swindled!
"
"patsy stone, with a surplus of boob
nestled tight in her fuchsia-pink tube,
sang the praise of a hair-
dresser's genius and flair,
who could make a bouffant from a pube.
"
"melamid, alexandr makes aert.
he's an aertist. i firmly impart:
if you wish to be smartest,
don't call him an ""artist"" ?
or aelex'll tear you aepart!
"
"my vietnamese friend's dear mama
keeps enormous supplies of bac ha ?
that's the stem of the flora
alocasia odora,
which goes rather well in canh chua.
"
"the job of a backplate, it's clear,
is to fend off attacks from the rear.
but though metal and hard,
this equipment won't guard
against backstabbing liars, i fear.
"
"boyfriends? i really don't need 'em.
men in general? i try not to heed 'em,
but when sexy and sure
with romantic allure,
they beglamour me out of my freedom!
"
"she had said i was handsome and funny,
started calling me ""sweetheart"" and ""honey"".
then one day i caught on:
it had all been a con!
she beglamoured me ? then stole my money.
"
"when creating vaccines, so i've read,
you use microbes and cells, live or dead.
for acellular brews
it's cell parts that you use
(or synthetic components) instead.
"
"a boneyard's a burial ground;
a catacomb, graveyard or mound;
a necropolis, plot,
or ? in essence ? a spot
where the dead leave their bones lying 'round.
"
"among the gourmet cognoscenti
dwells a man who eats garlic aplenty.
in his own special style,
the alliophile
never adds just one clove ? he adds twenty!
"
"""disabling your wireless adaptor"" ?
the perennial opening chapter
in the modern-day daring
of network-repairing.
""it's broken"", i think, would be apter.
"
"j.s. bach is well-known for cantatas,
oratorios, suites and sonatas.
and of course we revere
the well-tempered clavier,
plus his myriad fugues and toccatas!
"
"my bedroom's a mess, i confess,
so it's time to inventorize! yes!
an anagraph's sure
gonna help me do more,
coz i'll spend my time looking for less.
"
"at the bathhouse, i relish the sight
of her push-up bikini clasped tight,
then enjoy the sweet ""pop""
as she opens her top,
and her bosoms in freedom delight.
"
"i'm bespectacled, sneaky and sly,
for suspended in front of each eye,
there's a lens held in place
by a frame on my face
which assists me to see (and to spy).
"
"he's so learned, he's almost unteachable.
the depths of his mind are unreachable.
for words, never lost:
he's a bibliognost,
with a knowledge of books unimpeachable.
"
"at a market in copacabana,
i was offered a massive banana.
i replied, resolute,
""no, i have enough fruit
for today."" the response: ""?y ma?ana?""
"
"science-fiction, biographies, magic,
murder-mystery, comedic or tragic,
even cooking and flowers ?
my boyfriend devours
all books, for he's bibliophagic.
"
"my clothesline collapsed with a sloshing,
but with copious squishing and squashing,
i've strung up a line
in this hovel of mine ?
now my bedroom's astring with the washing.
"
"my midsection's girth is tremendous;
my abdominousness is stupendous.
i have no pretensions
my belly's dimensions
are anything less than horrendous!
"
"i've a body that has to proceed
from point a to point b with great speed.
if the gravity's sound
with no friction around,
the brachistochrone curve's what i need!
"
"i'm not part of the wondrous elite,
but i do have a talent that's neat.
neither hero nor god,
i'm a branchiopod
and can breathe through the gills on my feet!
"
"this verse gives a sound defin
of this type of poetic om.
it's an apt illustr
of good applic.
you'll find it a fine expos.
"
"brachydactylous fellows, unite
and stand up to our enemy's spite!
all hands to the bridge, it's
high time we, whose digits
are underdeveloped, should fight!
"
"your incredible lack of finesse
has decidedly failed to impress.
i can see in your eyes
that you're selling me lies
and ebulliently talking bs.
"
"if you're running a cunning affair,
like deceiving or thieving, beware!
you're not slick as you think,
for as quick as a wink,
you'll be sailin' to jail in despair.
"
"when attempting to make an incision
(like a surgical tissue-division),
acusectors are great.
they're electric! first-rate
for achieving the utmost precision.
"
"here's a present to help with your wars.
it's for blowing up tanks, and it's yours!
it's an armbrust?great fun!
it's a recoilless gun
that can safely be fired indoors.
"
"the audience stood up and hissed.
'twas a concert i'd gladly have missed.
i was grouchy and peeved.
i had never conceived
of such butcherly playing of liszt!
"
"archimedean solids demand
that all faces be regular, and
that all vertices (places
where corners of faces
converge) are the same ? understand?
"
"when my alien friend came to stay,
we disguised him and called him ""jos?"".
but his alien tongue
meant, alas, he was sprung!
his anotherness gave him away.
"
"what's the mark of an artiad? why,
free electrons in even supply.
a perissad's count
will be odd in amount.
(and you thought that all science was dry!)
"
"pretty rosebuds are nice in a spray,
or singly, or as a bouquet.
but since life is so short,
i must loudly exhort:
gather armfuls of these, as ye may!
"
"in prague, bishop adalbert said
he would make his religion widespread.
he encouraged the strokes
that cut down pagan oaks,
but czeched out with a pole through the head.
"
"with my taxes, i'm truly obtuse;
being lousy at math's my excuse.
now, i've hired a man
so if things hit the fan,
he accountably takes the abuse.
"
"a chef with panache has invented
a way to serve flavored and scented
mock sushi that's printed
on cornstarch that's tinted,
appetizingly rolled and presented.
"
"many private academies claim
stringent entrance exams, as they aim
to admit just the smartest;
and yet a con artist
like me limboed in, just the same.
"
"a classmate of mine had the gall
to call me a brown-nosing thrall.
but teachers esteem
a nice gift with a gleam;
i just polish the apple, is all.
"
"small spiders related to ticks,
those acarids give me the ""icks.""
little mites with their bites
make me want to spend nights
under covers, not out in the sticks.
"
"take the alcatraz tour any day,
""the rock"" on the isle in the bay.
it has housed al capone,
and some others well-known,
but the movie's become a clich?.
"
"from an amazon vine in its prime,
a shaman brews tea that's sublime.
doug wrote of (and tried!)
ayahuasca's wild ride,
if not throughout space, then through time.
"
"from the locker room came a stampede
of athletic men moving at speed.
the attar of roses
had got up their noses;
my cologne was tr?s wussy, indeed.
"
"the insects i loathe and eschew
are the cockroaches; truly i do!
so imagine my fright
when i turned on the light
and the place came alive with them?ewwwwww!
"
"""i'll go biking next sunday, and gladly,""
i said without thinking, but sadly,
i forgot that my fitness
is painful to witness,
so i guess i must backpedal madly.
"
"a banana seat's useful on bikes,
for it cradles a part which dislikes
getting spanked, pricked, and poked.
wicked thoughts i've provoked?
seems i don't speak for everyone ? yikes!
"
"these anonymous letters so faceless
accuse me of actions quite graceless.
i am truly appalled
by the things i get called;
as an umpire, i say they're all baseless.
"
"something frightening, eerie, unholy,
steamed up from the host's guacamole.
as it pulsed and fluoresced
i addressed every guest,
""back away from the smorgasbord, slowly.""
"
"a peace-loving candidate swore
his position was firm on the war,
but to hold without cracking
he needed our backing
so you don't hear his name anymore.
"
"when faced with a way wick-ed tax,
a chandler, depressed to the max,
made a spherical candle,
then flew off the handle,
and burned down the whole ball of wax.
"
"now, most of the time, i'm quite keen,
but i'm useless before my caffeine,
so when sent by my cousin
for a full baker's dozen,
of course i got twelve, not thirteen.
"
"chef emeril, cooking with beer
(to batter up fish without peer),
while ""tasting,"" got boozy,
and found himself woozy.
he's really bamboozled, i fear.
"
"as a camel, i'm often in awe
that our humps cause a vertebral flaw,
and create a fragility
and vulnerability
to the backbreaking power of straw.
"
"that salesman's a canny survivor,
such a cunning and crafty conniver.
but though he was shifty
and asked for a fifty,
i badgered him down to a fiver.
"
"i heard fighting one evening in bed,
from the neighbours, which made me see red.
so i yelled, ""give me peace,
let this brabblement cease!""
but i don't think they heard what i said.
"
"a bimonthly arrangement is queer,
for to me it just never seems clear.
if i've something to do
that's bimonthly, that's two
times a month? or just six times a year?
"
"an anabasis, musically speaking,
is when motives and figures are peaking.
this is probably why
during ""glory on high""
those sopranos insist on their shrieking.
"
"a brachyceral gnu at the zoo
possessed very short horns, and they grew
on his very short head,
so the zookeeper said
he was brachistocephalous, too.
"
"if you're driving a taxi all day
and you want a small boost to your pay,
take a roundabout way
(circumbendibus): say,
newark ? boston, but via l.a.
"
"i just got a new dog for a pet,
with a complex i really don't get.
for this pug, when he pees,
circumambulates trees,
to make sure that they're evenly wet.
"
"to bring is to fetch or convey,
or to carry along on your way.
and so when you arrive
here for dinner at five,
bring a bottle ? red, white or ros?.
"
"in this scene, i'm an extra: i'm dead,
with a circular saw in my head.
it's round blade really should
be for cutting through wood,
but it sawed through my noggin instead.
"
"""it looks awfully delicious,"" said jude,
""and i really don't want to seem rude,
but it's just that i've got
cibophobia. what?
oh, it's just an aversion to food.""
"
"for a bibliogenesis caper,
get your hands on some parchment or paper,
wrap a cover around,
have it gilded and bound,
and then filled with the work of a shaper.
"
"the old fruit tree was way past its prime,
but we thought we would try one more time.
so we'd all go to pee
on the old citron tree,
and the fruits that it grew were sublime!
"
"atomicity, simply defined:
the extent to which atoms can bind.
can be high, can be low?
only way you can know
is to see how the atom's designed.
"
"blithe 12: mathematical fun!
numbered counters (from 12 down to 1)
in three circles laid out,
and then jumbled about.
once you've put them all back, then it's done!
"
"at an opera ? or worse ? operetta,
you may come to a point where you get a
sweet tune (cavatina),
and after that's been, a
more animate close (cabaletta).
"
"i dont think that im terriblee brite
coz im stuk inn ah despiret plite
oll my speling iz dizmul
my werk looks abizmull
cacography's awl eye kan rite
"
"when you're sensing a gap in your gut
but you don't feel like being a glut,
then just munch for your lunch
and enjoy the sweet crunch
of albumen (the flesh of a nut).
"
"all this braidism nonsense is *bleep*.
if you think you can put me to sleep
and then breach my defences
to play with my senses . . .
. . . forget it. you see, i'm a sheep!
"
"when my mohawk was put to the test,
i was three inches taller (at best).
although still pretty small,
lots of people would call:
""oh my god! is that brent? he's accresced!""
"
"diaphysial aclasia's known
to affect longish sections of bone.
exostoses (small lumps)
start appearing. these bumps
seem to grow with a will of their own!
"
"i bought a new portable phone
that has internet access, full-blown!
now wherever i am
i'm a target for spam,
and oedilfers won't leave me alone.
"
"billy jean, my cute puppy, was lost.
then a brick through my window was tossed
with the note: ""billy jean's
now a boughtling. that means
that to see her again, it'll cost.""
"
"the perfectionist's lack of humility
is a surefire road to futility.
we should all just accept
that we're sometimes inept,
and rejoice in our own fallibility!
"
"these catchpenny things are designed
to coax cash from the simple-of-mind.
oh, they're cheap, i'll confess,
but they're worth even less,
so watch out if you're thusly inclined.
"
"i've got measles and gout and a cyst,
influenza, and pain in my wrist.
and i'm sad, yes indeed,
for the cure-all i need ?
a catholicon ? doesn't exist.
"
"this caffeine makes me happy and perky ?
there's no way that i'm going cold turkey!
i'm enslaved, i'm aware,
but i really don't care,
for my motto's ""no coffee, no workee!""
"
"doc, i have this unpleasant neurosis ?
i'm not sure if i've got cacidrosis.
tell me, what do you think?
does my sweat really stink?
i'm in need of a fast diagnosis!
"
"i'm amazed at the seeming facility
shown by hucksters with verbal agility
who can make me believe
what they will ? they perceive
my acceptativeness (gullibility).
"
"i grinned as i happily chewed
on some meat and potatoes i'd stewed,
for i'd cooked them myself
from this book on my shelf?
bromatology: treatise on food.
"
"i'm just crazy for daisies, aren't you?
they're so calming, and beautiful too.
in my window-sill box i
have plenty of ox-eye ?
i swear on my bozzoms it's true!
"
"if aerobics has left you blas?,
but your jab and right cross are ok,
come and change your routine:
be a fighting machine
and enjoy boxaerobics today!
"
"the following fact may disturb:
that treasure of knowledge superb,
the great oed,
declares bybbey to be,
enigmatically, ""some kind of herb"".
"
"""please be careful,"" she said, ""with my hair!
it's quite fragile, so treat it with care.""
""don't be silly!"" i said,
and poured dye on her head.
i was wrong: now there's nothing much there.
"
"cried the millionaire's wife, ""oh pierre,
this old gown's just too awful to wear!
take it down to chanel,
would you darling, and tell
them i want it bespangled with care.""
"
"the parrot's got loose, someone freed him!
and the captain?will someone go feed him?
and the mate and the crew?
oh there's so much to do!
where's that cabin boy gone when you need him?
"
"a knight, sad and lonely, would groan:
""i'm so tired of sleeping alone!""
so a breastplate he bought
because women, he thought,
might admire it and show him their own.
"
"""here, i've brought them to show you,"" said mabel,
throwing hand-knitted socks on the table.
""see the part where it's curly,
all twisty and twirly?
my grandmother calls that a cable.""
"
"cartoony's a cinch to define:
brightly coloured, with clearness of line.
but what isn't so clear's
how that critter appears
so unhurt when he steps on a mine.
"
"a fancy new style i was needin',
.nodehportsuob keerg eht tuo deirt i os
but this slithering mess
ssertsid ot devres ylno
and distort what my readers were readin'!
"
"in a musical representation,
a descent (like eternal damnation)
has the colourful name
of catabasis. shame
that this doesn't mean ""feline foundation"".
"
"as a showpiece in fairground or hall,
he held the calcuttans in thrall.
everybody went wild
for this two-headed child:
the bicipital boy of bengal.
"
"the department of commerce and labour
tried to whet its proverbial sabre
by the devaluation
of coin in the nation ?
a ploy known as beggar-thy-neighbour.
"
"after trying to prove my virility
with vanessa (which flopped in futility),
my session with jess
was a rousing success!
thank the lord for my bouncebackability.
"
"my father would tell me ""good night!""
tuck me in, and then turn out the light.
but he'd say one thing more
before shutting the door:
""and don't let the cimices bite!""
"
"alt+f4 is a keyboard command:
first hold alt down with thumb of left hand,
then tap quickly (don't linger)
f4 with a finger ?
your window will close, just as planned.
"
"as a writer, i'm quite a competitor;
i'm a keen, territorial predator.
with a by-line, i claim
a domain with my name.
? brent annable, workshopping editor
"
"if a thing's chrysochlorous, it's gold
with a greenish-type tint, i've been told.
or could it be green
with some gold in between,
like an ingot that's covered with mould?
"
"look, i know that for you it's been tough,
and you're sorry for breaking my stuff.
i can see you regret it ?
chill out! let's forget it!
your breast-beating's been quite enough.
"
"a blacksmith who worked in alsace
produced breastplates and backplates en masse.
some complained that his rig
made their bums look too big.
he'd reply, ""you've just got a cuirass!""
"
"in my window, from centre to base,
hangs a curtain of netting and lace.
for keeping out bees
and for ""kissing the breeze"",
this brise-bise is in the right place.
"
"a superb secretary of state,
madame albright was always au fait.
that allowed her to serve
with such vigor and verve?
plus her autobiography's great.
"
"bud abbott was half of a team
i hold high in comedic esteem.
when i heard ""who's on first,""
my sides felt like they'd burst;
it's so funny, you'll laugh 'til you scream.
"
"he's an architect certain to please.
we had heard of his great expertise.
we said, ""airiness! grace!
lots of wide, open space!""
but it looks like a freaking swiss cheese!
"
"she was letting the stage lights distract her,
and she plowed through her lines like a tractor.
your honor, i'd say
that you'd feel the same way:
she was such a bad actor, i smacked her!
"
"with valleys and hillscapes most stark,
south dakota is making its mark.
its hoodoos and canyons
are windswept companions,
in badlands, the national park.
"
"the semester has barely begun,
and you're flunking ""thumb-twiddling and donne"".
there's a course you can ace,
you sorry space-case,
""basket-weaving"" in room 201.
"
"my shape is just fine, to my mind,
though it differs from most womankind.
tipping over's a stunt
you'd expect from my front,
were i not counterbalanced behind.
"
"backswept hair and red one-piece recall
the poster on every boy's wall,
an angel girls wanted
to copy, who flaunted
blonde tresses, her nipples, and all.
"
"she is all kitted out for the hunt;
her dress is too short, to be blunt,
and entirely backless?
of course, she's quite rack-less,
with nothing to show off in front.
"
"he had to speak up or they'd scoff;
he was trying to say ""of a cough.""
but he baffled the crowd
as he waffled out loud,
'cause the novocaine hadn't worn off.
"
"i had nearly concluded aligning
the wheels, but my light was declining.
then down from the ceiling
on cord that's unreeling
swooped droplight ? my hero so shining.
"
"an acoustic lens seems a bit queer.
it takes sound waves (not light waves), i hear,
and enables the focus
of those on one locus,
which sounds to me just like my ear.
"
"i'm telling you aids does not kill!
it just signifies you are too ill
to repel the infections
that, based on projections,
are ones that undoubtedly will.
"
"our children are looking divine.
'neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
but the rabbi looks stressed
as i make this request:
""has your holiness more of this wine?""
"
"it takes all of the strength i can muster
to face the foul creatures that cluster
beneath my small bed:
""oh, bad bunnies i dread?
can ya guess who i called? it's dust buster!""
"
"""can you not hear that chatter? then hark!
it says, 'stop the lathe now!' if not, clark,
it's like doin' some cloggin'
on top of yer noggin;
it's gonna,"" i said, ""leave a mark.""
"
"she took chances resulting in aids,
but she always liked juggling grenades.
then she'd give me conniptions
by skipping prescriptions.
i now need a partner for spades.
"
"while learning of things continental
i get so confused i go mental.
i say to myself,
""if we're knocked off our shelf,
i just hope that the slope will be gentle.""
"
"a maker of knives in rangoon
held the handle his honey had hewn
and his part as he said,
""blade and haft we'll now wed
by just slipping my tang in your poon.""
"
"i think drag links deserve all our thanks.
they're in typewriters, tractors, and tanks.
it's a wonderful notion
for transfering motion
by coupling a couple of cranks.
"
"cantus firmus instructions ? you've found them!
in the following lines i'll expound them:
take the notes of a song,
make them even and long,
then compose some new music around them.
"
"""you need therapy, gran,"" we all told her,
""angel therapy"" ? and we enrolled her.
now she's got her own herald
and banters with gerald
(the cute little guy on her shoulder).
"
"a stay-at-home-soldier is he,
a carpet-knight, all would agree.
his achievements aren't those
that involve killing foes,
but he sure makes a fine cup of tea!
"
"my new boxercise partner has fled.
don't know why. was it something i said?
there were no nasty looks,
only right and left hooks,
plus a few minor blows to the head!
"
"laying eggs inside holes in the wood ?
it's something i'd do if i could.
but alas, i'm still me,
and no carpenter bee,
so i don't think i'd bee very good.
"
"so your creditor wants a deposit?
well, you have that monet in your closet...
just sell it and pay ?
bad-debt art, all the way.
now that wasn't so difficult, was it?
"
"the fruit of carpogenous trees
a carpologist studies with ease,
while carpophagous species
have seeds in their faeces,
'cause fruit's what they eat, if you please.
"
"a two-headed priest in albania
(who's completely insane in both crania)
thinks his body is host
to a villainous ghost.
his complaint? cacodemonomania.
"
"he lay perfectly still, not a trace
of a twinge in his body or face.
i got nervous and scared ?
he just lay there and stared
cataleptically out into space.
"
"when a tune that your interest has stirred
is then joined by a second (or third)
making use of the very
same notes, it's a merry
old canon you seem to have heard!
"
"it's quite round, and it's firm, and it's tiny;
it protects all our joints that are spiny:
it's an annulus (ring)
and fibrosus, a thing
which is tough and protective and shiny.
"
"if your annulus fibrosus now falters,
intervertebral disc function alters,
beastly back-pain is caused,
your mobility's paused:
it's the cruellest of ortho assaulters.
"
"round your joints are some fluid-filled sacs;
if inflamed, these bursitis attacks
make it painful to bend.
brings your sport to an end?
apply ice to the limb, and relax.
"
"thirty minutes of walking, they say,
helps you slim. for the very best way
to achieve loss of weight
at a reasonable rate,
don't walk slowly, but briskly, each day.
"
"if you, being wheeled on a gurney, slip,
and you fall on a quick downward journey, skip
through the pages of yellow
and look up a fellow
who's mastered the art of attorneyship.
"
"antiquarianism's no more
than a fondness for eras before,
which expresses itself
through the books on your shelf
and the knickknacks you sell in your store.
"
"there's a circumlocutious debater
who revels in not talking straighter.
he speaks round and round,
so his words just confound.
to debate him you need a translator.
"
"if you want to go surfing the net,
a computer will help you get set,
plus an access provider,
a web-crawling spider
and passwords you'd best not forget.
"
"mixing stuff with a chemistry set
is great fun, but you shouldn't forget
that a really good chemist
can prove what he's premised
and not make the neighborhood fret.
"
"adrenocortical: those are the glands
that have helped me to make a few stands.
they have put me in flight
when i don't care to fight,
and i want to avoid firebrands.
"
"though i'm having a clear-out today
and dumping a dusty array
of junk, i'll not ditch
my old boomerang, which
i simply could not throw away.
"
"my naturist neighbour, i fear,
would not make a good engineer.
he thinks that ball-bearing
means walking round wearing
an ear-to-ear grin, and no gear.
"
"they're so many, we don't even try
to count all the stars in the sky.
and every one sprang
from a single big bang
(like you, dearest reader, and i).
"
"said the white house aide, ""sir, please decide
what music the band should provide.
do you want something light,
or is haydn alright?""
""it sure is,"" said george. ""let's go hide.""
"
"agapornis (or african lovebird):
that fig-eatin' high-up-above-bird!
	he takes up a wife
	and keeps her for life,
unlike that adulterous dove-bird.
"
"a gaseous silica brew
that's tinted a strange smoky blue.
	a mote-catching gel
	that nasa thinks swell:
that's aerogel, magical goo.
"
"seeing loved ones will not make you glad;
missing lost ones will not make you sad.
	but then (what is worse),
	acathexis's curse:
doing taxes will not make you mad.
"
"the apostrophe's often abused:
it gets battered, and bruised, and misused.
	on a plural, a blight;
	for possessives, just right,
barring ""its"", which leaves people confused.
"
"abrachia-racked chimpanzees
get terribly troubled by fleas
	as without arms attached
	they're unable to scratch
and nor can they clamber up trees.
"
"a mayonnaise-loving young goalie
would make up huge drums of aioli
	from crates full of egg,
	lemon juice by the keg,
and garlic in volumes unholy.
"
"of all of the crimes that exist
there's a few that are worst on the list:
	regicide, patricide;
	genocide, matricide;
and being an accordionist.
"
"walter scott, while not writing, hung out
at abbotsford, his scottish redoubt
	now many towns are so named
	though there's none quite so famed
as the one with the invalid stout.
"
"shh!  now i know how we can get
that avocet home as our pet:
as we're nearing the shore,
you brandish your oar,
and i'll capture the bird with my net.
"
"in the arts, there are those, avant-garde,
who've done work so bizarre they've been barred.
although barring is bad
(and unwise, i might add),
still, it beats being feathered and tarred.
"
"scandinavia's home for the auk,
which likes much more to dive than to walk.
when you ponder their fate
and how seldom they mate,
it's surprising how little they squawk.
"
"we must improve things in detroit
if new markets we hope to exploit.
we must be quick-witted,
our cars all well-fitted.
in short, we must be more adroit.
"
"you'll find that it takes perseverance
to get your security clearance.
those guys play by the book;
don't forget how you look:
do not disregard your appearance.
"
"you're expert.  you're skillful.  ok.
you're master of all you survey.
in this country i guess
you'd be called a success.
in france, they would say you're au fait.
"
"i know a great swinger, louise,
who works on a flying trapeze.
for her stunts acrobatic,
it seems axiomatic
that clinging's a key expertise.
"
"oh, give me a chicken leg dish.
it's nicer than red meat or fish.
then, just leave me alone,
to eat down to the bone,
though it's useless for making a wish.
"
"dear nurse, can i cannulate you,
so you'll see what i have to go through?
you stick in that tube,
with no ointment or lube,
and don't care that i'm bruised and i'm blue.
"
"when you finally get your big date
before peter at heaven's great gate,
you're accomptable, son,
for the deeds you have done.
start behaving before it's too late!
"
"on nigeria's coast, calabar
is where slaves were once shipped near and far.
bedraggled and gaunt,
their ghosts daily haunt
the stalls of the local bazaar.
"
"oily fish and all nuts, we agree,
contain lots of good omega 3.
so eat brainfoods like these,
just as much as you please,
and stay sharp 'til one hundred and three.
"
"strong rebukes i have often applied,
heaping scorn 'til my enemies cried.
to avoid further pain,
i'll not use them again,
but instead i'll just sparingly chide.
"
"on a paper three circles you chose,
and now eight more are tangent to those.
those eight sure aren't phony and
are apollonian
circles, my nerdy friend knows.
"
"if the spuds that you cook taste like wood
and appear not as nice as they should,
fetch some tubers and make 'em
au gratin or bake 'em.
find anya potatoes; they're good.
"
"lots of foodstuffs when eaten are scary;
some are spicy or acrid or hairy.
but a red fruit that's yummy,
and feels good in your tummy,
is the juicy, delicious bing cherry.
"
"a huge problem occurs one sad day,
and you're told, ""fix it now! don't delay!""
your repair is so slack,
things are still out of whack.
oh, the band-aid approach makes you pray.
"
"if barbecued meats flip your wig,
then it's baby back ribs that you'll dig.
for good taste you can't beat 'em.
a rabbi won't eat 'em...
they come from the loin of a pig.
"
"if your kitchen has nothing but meat,
a few veggies, a pot, and some heat,
then that's all you will need,
for beef stew.  it's agreed
you'll be warm from your head to your feet.
"
"sir galahad cried out in panic
while jousting with rivals germanic:
""i've a chink in my mail!
fetch me one arming nail,
and an excellent armor mechanic!""
"
"off to france i would go (if i could),
for a wine with the slight taste of wood.
drink banyuls for dessert,
but don't spill on your shirt;
this wine's red and will stain it for good.
"
"if you run a big firm, you're the skipper,
and one day, while you're feeling quite chipper,
you go buy a new biz,
sell its parts in a whiz;
even clothed, you're a fine asset stripper.
"
"""you need money and no one gives credit
'cause you don't pay your debts."" (there, i said it.)
the one hope that i've seen
is a new blanket lien.
pay it off or you surely will dread it.
"
"i declare and avouch (guarantee),
i assert that i just didn't see
any saw nor an axe,
so calm down and relax.
how would i know who felled your damn tree?
"
"the angler (a pediculate fish
whose fins let it walk, should it wish)
can tempt others less sly
with a lure dancing high,
and its bold, irresistible swish.
"
"a convent is one kind of abbey.
it's no place for a talkative cabbie,
since considering how
nuns have taken that vow,
you will not find a one of them gabby.
"
"you call foods browned with bread crumbs  au gratin.
the word is from france ? it's not latin.
eat 'em out and at home,
from old rome to cold nome,
from wyoming to midtown manhattan.
"
"this fine food keeps me young and tastes great.
it's got germs in a viable state.
acidophilus milk
will go down smooth as silk.
by the way, i'm a hundred and eight.
"
"the astrolabe, wondrous old tool,
was a star-checking, technical jewel.
but it's no longer extant;
we now have the sextant.
that's something they taught me in school.
"
"the sleep-deprived chemist cracked coal,
but reactions went out of control,
so he screamed at his  aide
(who was clearly afraid),
""come and help me restrain this azole.""
"
"i'm impressed and  i feel it my duty
to describe a small beast that's a beauty:
nocturnal and quiet,
herbivorous diet,
and its name?  why, they call it agouti.
"
"a small breed of auk is the auklet,
loving plankton and squid, not hot chauklet.
its range: nonspecific?
let's say north pacific.
they haven't found one in new yauk yet.
"
"in kenya, most all the masai know
one aspect about the white rhino:
notwithstanding its skin
and the skin of its kin,
the white rhino is not an albino.
"
"it's hard to be sitting astraddle
a bronco that's missing its saddle,
but it's much worse, i fear,
to be sitting right here
in this boat, up this creek, with no paddle.
"
"recalling the names of those men
who were sent off to space way back when:
of the astronauts flown
who's the sharpest we've known?
i'd say mercury pilot john glenn.
"
"cleopatra held tight in her grasp
a  venomous snake called an asp.
she was good friends with caesar
who'd die just to please her;
now poisoned, she took her last gasp.
"
"the albatross: sea bird, long wings,
renowned for the fortune it brings.
it's large, has webbed feet,
and it follows the fleet.
watch your bait! they've been known to pull strings.
"
"when leaving the scene, you should maybe
say something, though trite the clich? be:
 ""au revoir"" or ""farewell""
or  ""goodbye, it's been swell,""
even ""hasta la vista there, baby.""
"
"it can mean a sports buff ? an old crock,
or elastic to shield you from shock,
but  ""high five"" or low blow,
it's important you know
an athletic supporter's a jock.
"
"atamasco's a species of lily,
and they love 'em from frisco to philly.
their blossoms are white.
they thrive in bright light.
just be sure that they don't get too chilly.
"
"apprehend's come to mean all of these:
 ""anticipate,"" ""get it,"" or ""seize
an idea, an event,
or a crook."" what is meant?
 apprehend here whatever you please.
"
"the church members spelled out their plan:
""this church must improve, if it can.
we'll need a new hire,
a person with fire,
an archiepiscopate man.""
"
"although to the buffalo linked,
the bison in europe's distinct.
it's aurochs by name
and it's long been fair game,
and so therefore it's nearly extinct.
"
"why wander through life so devoutless,
passing roads you could walk where you'd pout less?
deep thankful devotion
sets angels in motion!
faith works, if you only would doubt less.
"
"well, it's out to the fleet that i'm rowing,
with a pain in my groin that is growing.
the main site of my plight
is down low on the right,
which explains why in circles i'm going.
"
"though there's nothing most folks would not pay
to prolong life for just one more day,
if not slain in a battle
or trampled by cattle,
you're destined to die of decay.
"
"heading out, i met up with the doorman,
and i asked him, ""hey, where can i score, man?""
replied he, ""at the quay,
in hot pink, there's a she:
a curvaceous cross-dressing longshoreman.""
"
"think of sidewalks across this great nation
and consider this helpful notation:
""it's called concrete when set,
not cement.  don't forget?
that's the powder that binds through hydration.""
"
"a housekeeping tip that i've found
is to brace rows of spikes in the ground
with their points facing out
as a sturdy redoubt
when the neighbours invite themselves 'round.
"
"i been druggin' so long i've gone crazy,
though when this occurred is still hazy?
i think i was snortin'
some egg with ol' horton
and shaggin' some bird name o' mayzie.
"
"dear old mom was a very good cook
who did everything just by the book.
though i've not made one cookie,
i'm surely no rookie?
it's crack that i cook; i'm a crook.
"
"in the duma politicos grouse?
seems no better than our low-end house.
if their reps are as flaky
with ethics as shaky
the russians might want to delouse.
"
"these single-celled critters called yeast
ferment stuff that makes me a beast.
i drank some while truckin';
now for six months i'm stuck in
this single-celled jail, at the least.
"
"acanthite they've dug from the ground
is sulfur and silver that's bound.
this bond they're unfurling
with methods so sterling
no silver is left that's unfound.
"
"an earthquake we thought would not halt
caused a downthrow destroying our vault.
the bosses were shaken
'cause cash had been taken?
my answer when asked: ""not my fault.""
"
"to debilitate drew i made stew
that i poisoned by adding some yew.
a devitalized spouse
gave us run of the house;
then his wife and i did what we do.
"
"these bureaus reporting my score
make shopping so hard but not more
than those trying to sue,
so credit is due
for the number of suits in my drawer.
"
"mixed martial arts fans find exciting
this blood sport they know as cage fighting.
would that feeling abide
if they were inside
with a bruiser they found uninviting?
"
"there once was a man named valentia
who had typhoid that led to amentia.
he then crawled on all fours
and gnawed at the doors
feeling certain his name was rodentia.
"
"a fiber-free diet left kit
so bloated she felt she would split.
abevacuation
fell short of elation,
but made it less painful to sit.
"
"the crotchety tutor told bev,
""i told you to play alla breve.
that means a quick duple,
my quavering pupil,
so crank it up. give it a rev!""
"
"group two from the left of the table
gets the alkaline earth metal label.
it's the elements right
from beryllium (light)
down to radium (not very stable).
"
"queneau produced verses plethoric,
but his poetry's aleatoric.
""roll the dice for each line;
if they sound asinine,
i can claim all my art's metaphoric.""
"
"if you want your shortcomings ignored
and your public approval restored:
if you toke, don't inhale;
keep your eyes off her tail;
and your finances all aboveboard.
"
"for assessment this term you'll compose
an adventure (in plain english prose).
show me wit and invention,
risk, danger, and tension.
(you flunk if your junk makes me doze.)
"
"when longing for treats hot and steamy,
a wild westerner's thoughts could turn seamy.
""is that, davy crockett,
an aardvark in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?""
"
"an up-tempo lad from the ghetto
met a girl who was more allegretto.
their asynchronous dance
couldn't help but advance
to a graceless and farcical stretto.
"
"aerobatics for stunt pilot eddie
were heart-stopping, harebrained, and heady.
with his very last breath
he said, ""i've cheated death
'cause i've grabbed it before it was ready.""
"
"when you're mooting on matters of crime
(unlike here, where we waffle in rhyme)
if you can't use aforesaid
you're forced to have more said
in framing full names every time.
"
"the speed of their growth is a vice,
but these water ferns fertilize rice.
some call them a weed,
but they do a good deed?
hold on, bashing azolla's not nice.
"
"in philosopher's parlance, abstraction
elicits the thought from the action.
with eggheads i've seen
it also can mean
a mental state marked by inaction.
"
"should it worry me if i abase
myself with the rhymes i embrace?
my limerick proclivity?
an addictionary activity
devoid of all virtue and grace.
"
"an act is a formal decision
not often renowned for concision.
its wearisome reading
is fruitful for pleading
despite its pedantic precision.
"
"a never-wed wannabe dad
adopted a likeable lad.
his adoptee now jokes,
""he bent backwards to coax
me to live in his bachelor pad.""
"
"a throbbing of pain in your head
recalls your consumption of red.
while you're still seeing double,
your brats, all abubble,
squeal, ""come on, dad! get out of bed!""
"
"vain artists assert that abstractions
elicit emotive reactions,
yet the man on the street,
viewing art as concrete,
will see randomness, noise, and distractions.
"
"write an amphibological phrase
on a page that you'll read in two ways.
its words may be clear,
but the grammar, i fear,
leaves the meaning quite hard to appraise.
"
"an act can be something you do,
a charade or behaviour untrue,
or a part of a play,
opera, circus, ballet,
or variety show or revue.
"
"my inner child dried up and died,
and my feminine side tried to hide
when i wrote, dry and boring,
my tome on exploring
that old armadillo inside.
"
"""alas!"" cried the rhyme cognoscente.
""alack! still a virgin at twenty.""
so he wrote vulgar verse
and made haste to rehearse
with a lass and alacrity plenty.
"
"an aoudad ? yeah, that's wot i am,
and i've been one since i wuz a lamb.
i'm a big-horny dude;
all the ewes wot i've wooed
call me baa baa baa barbary ram.
"
"""act of god""? that's our feeble excuse
for disaster we didn't deduce.
if you blame the big guy
then you shouldn't be shy;
why not call it ""dumb creature abuse""?
"
"being absonant means being jarring,
refined sensibility-scarring,
discordant, contrary.
if that makes you wary
you don't want to hear my guitaring.
"
"should you gloat that your garden's abloom
with bouquets boasting perfect perfume,
i shall snarl that its smell
is the handwork of hell
and a hay fever sufferer's doom.
"
"if you're lost and you need to retrace
all your steps, you should do it with grace.
don't stumble unknowing.
please watch where you're going.
it's easy: you must about-face.
"
"alpheus, in love, goes all out
for a nymph who's turned into a spout.
seems they find fun new uses
for bodily juices ?
we've guessed, alphie, what it's about.
"
"quoth the office wall icon, ""achieve!
you can if you'll only believe.""
then i saw a bright light,
found the truth in the trite;
now i walk a new path, ""self-deceive.""
"
"young godfrey's gray days seem a slog
but for evenings with coeds ajog
down the track near his dorm
showing fine, firm, fit form;
graced with girls, godfrey's gaze goes agog.
"
"young girls used to walk down the aisle
when wedding while young was the staisle.
now, to see mr. right
down that aisle of white,
i'll wager you're waiting a whaisle.
"
"our beautiful anthem arose
from our nation's great culture. it goes:
""we shall cherish our peace
and our joy will increase
as we dance in the blood of our foes.""
"
"the dog whelk, that predator snail,
should be in a gastropod jail!
he bored his prey's shell,
ate its innards as well,
but sadly he's still out on bail.
"
"""the current now flows in the flask!""
""will it change as you titrate?"" you ask.
the chem-tutor's pet trick
was an amperometric
titration (a tedious task).
"
"this series, i'd call a sensation.
we're feeding the fans on frustration.
continued extension
of sexual tension
fills viewers with anticipation.
"
"when acology's art was obscure
and its remedies weren't so secure,
quacks had herbs for malaise
and those in between days
long before we discovered the cure.
"
"if it's bubbling and rough it's aboil
like the meeting where tempers uncoil
'twixt the duchess and queen
(in that croquet game scene).
when it comes to a head watch it roil.
"
"i weave wonderful word-ways for you
using tangled trajectories, true.
what i'm trying to say
in this five-line verse way
could be said without ambage in two.
"
"major tom's aiguillette of gold braid
on his shoulder was proudly displayed.
though diminutive, tom
always marched with aplomb
and paraded arrayed in brocade.
"
"our abode, dear (that place with the smell),
is our palace (it's more like a cell)
where we (plus your mother)
can be (at each other)
together (a foretaste of hell).
"
"aftertaste is the flavour you find
you can taste even after you've dined.
and it pains me to say
that the fast food today
is what's left after taste's left behind.
"
"the pet i shall get for my belle
is a tame asiatic gazelle
from a small persian zoo
where they breed the ahu.
should i buy her a lion as well?
"
"to accumulate means to collect
or to grow over time. i'd expect
i could claim that we nerds
all accumulate words,
and nobody here would object.
"
"this fluorite variety might
be a colour that really is  bright.
and blue john is found
in a hole in the ground
near matlock, a popular site.
"
"wild mustard (its flower is yellow)
can be found in a cornfield, dear fellow.
sinapis arvensis
in latin ? one senses
as charlock it's sounding more mellow.
"
"mix of whiting and resin and glue,
and emergency rations; it's true
they each have a name
that's exactly the same:
it's compo. (though i call them goo!)
"
"to step out of a bus, or unload
when it gets to the end of the road,
you are said to debus
without any fuss?
it's part of the military code.
"
"desiccation is all about drying?
no tears, no it's not about crying.
it takes all the water
(at least, so it oughta)
from lots of the food that you're buying.
"
"though you started your trek in the gobi,
when in india, look for a dhobi
to wash all your clothes,
all your buttons and bows,
so you'll feel nice and fresh in nairobi.
"
"in a nightmare, i cry out in pain,
with a madness affecting my brain:
while out cruising in paris,
my wilful new yaris
smells water, then drives me insane.
"
"my dress-conscious friend (what a toff!)
wears his hamster-pelt coat?don't you scoff!
maybe that explains why,
having tried london's eye,
he's addicted?i can't get him off!
"
"burgh island, south devon retreat,
has a pub, a hotel and a street.
when the causeway's submerged,
every walker is urged:
""take the sea tractor?don't get wet feet!""
"
"your dance orchestra's great, not by chance,
but it's drooped, you can see at a glance.
now, dear students, bring hope,
that refreshed it can cope!
will someone please get up and dance?
"
"with its duck-like, conspicuous beak,
oz's egg-laying mammal's unique.
then its beaver-tailed stern
and webbed feet i discern.
i conclude it's a venomous freak.
"
"nearly deaf, the king's hunter of duck
all last season was taking pot-luck,
as the duck call he'd blown
was defective and prone
to emit not a quack but a cluck.
"
"we know anna mae bullock's the name
that was changed when this singer became
tina turner. we've read
of her marriage, which led
to her knowing the dark side of fame.
"
"we have fun when i ask sleepy lee
who his lullaby singer should be.
""so it's time to choose, chum,
dolcemente from mum
or basso profundo from me?""
"
"dad's boots need a clean. he'll confess
they were left in a heck of a mess.
now one's had a good scrubbin'
and rubbin' with dubbin?
""i'm done! here's the other one, bess.""
"
"we were lost 'til a wag stopped and said,
""it's not far, just up there ? dead ahead.""
so we carried on straight
to the cemet'ry gate.
he was right. they were dead ? and ahead.
"
"solved! ? the ocular mystery why
there are cells that regrow if they try.
in the dark, they've been fightin'
to let extra light in
to each dark-adapted (blink) eye.
"
"i ensure (checking shoes, tie and zip)
that my foppery standards don't slip.
all i need for the road
is my right pants-leg stowed
in an elegant bicycle clip.
"
"my mum's the best braider of hair.
she is calm and she plaits mine with care.
she weaves the three strands
with the gentlest of hands.
i'm hugh ? thirty-two ? just you dare...!
"
"the king could but scarce hold his mirth
as his sword touched a squire of great girth.
""it can be no surprise
that because of your size,
i dub thee sir cumference ? of earth.""
"
"how bizarre that it's hamlet's soliloquy
that's performed as my whispered somniloquy!
this is causing great strife ?
now ophelia, my wife,
has desires for young danes with dulciloquy.
"
"""when you're watching my game,"" tommy said,
""and you're tempted to move, mind your tread.
to avoid all the clarts,
let your heads rule your hearts
and remain on the duckboards instead.""
"
"in this library, books about wine
from australia or those from the rhine
can be found on that shelf?
you can look for yourself,
as the class number's there on each spine.
"
"it's a worry for jonahs like me,
but the sub offers no guarantee
that a deep-plunging dive
lets the crew stay alive ?
so i'll just have to weight and then sea.
"
"ten friends are determined to hew
a large log ? carve a dugout canoe.
but excuses galore,
from ""i'm bored"" to ""red raw"",
mean they'll just need to hew seats for two.
"
"yes, assisted reproductive technology
came about from advanced embryology.
when louise 'test-tube' brown
was the talk of the town,
we were viewing a new anthropology.
"
"how was classical mythology born?
out of cultures as old as the dawn.
but it's all greek to me ?
why would gods disagree?
and the maids ? why so sad and forlorn?
"
"first you meet a young man at a dance,
and he asks you to jive, with a glance.
to the orchestra's beat
he reveals two left feet,
and your toes ? they just don't stand a chance!
"
"""lads, 'tis risky to sail this old ship!
she's a camberkeeled jinx!"" warned our skip.
""if the ship hogged and broke,
we'd be in for a soak.
down to davy jones' locker we'd slip.""
"
"a chemic was yearning to find
grand solutions to help all mankind.
thus, inspired by odd notions,
he'd mix novel potions,
but mainly 'twas just a long grind.
"
"have you pressed the 'soft' pedal of late?
it's an action that pianists state
makes the block on each damper,
made of felt, drop to hamper
each string so it doesn't vibrate.
"
"i'm a bridegroom with joy to the brim,
but these feelings are set for a trim,
as i've just overheard
my new bride's fav'rite word.
she chose aisle ? added altar ? then hymn!
"
"if you follow your heart and your dreams
to the lake district's mountains and streams;
if you venture on high,
keep an eye on the sky;
you're in cumbria ? land of extremes!
"
"decay theory's all about rotting
of  memory. see how i'm dotting
my 't's ? don't get lost! ?
and my 'i's may be crossed.
it's my spelling i'm also forgotting!
"
"aye, it's jock on the hill in the heather,
as he faces tempestuous weather.
oh, the hail and the drow!
how they hammer his brow,
and the chill numbs his regions dubbed nether.
"
"so my alkali soil is too dry,
and a test shows ph very high.
with the structure so poor,
it needs tons of manure
that i'll dig in each year 'til i die.
"
"""just relax, and you'll feel more at ease.
so now tell me your worries?and please,
don't be anxious and stop
if my eyelids should drop?
i am listening..."" (but dreaming of fees).
"
"we three friends plus the dummy play whist
after four hands are dealt?that's the gist.
we're becoming old fools
who lose sight of the rules?
it's quite common to hear ""stick"" or ""twist"".
"
"no iambic pentameter here
for the elegy (sadly, i fear),
as this poet's lament
employs anapests meant
to pay homage to limerick lear.
"
"mrs. wardle cried, ""eh?"" once again,
and her ear-trumpet twitched. it was plain
the acoustic device
was supposed to suffice,
but attempts with that cone were in vain.
"
"""i've counted the ewes,"" panted zeke,
""using old english sheepdog technique.
if the totals look high
and you want to know why,
i've been rounding them up, so to speak.""
"
"a swan?from a duckling he grew?
that's the fable she's telling to you
with her hands and soft voice?
mrs. christian's choice?
and her son knows the ugly tale too.
"
"li'l boy blue knew of badges to woo:
six to gain, each a different hue.
and the limericks he sent
to the bbc meant
that his blue peter badge would be blue.
"
"our notion of eden's unsound
if we censure the apple. i've found
that the trouble, you see,
wasn't grown on the tree,
but was caused by the pair on the ground.
"
"there's a breathtaking cavern ahead
where the tiniest sound seems to spread.
with a lingering ring,
it repeats the last thing...
it repeats the last thing that i said.
"
"fred godfrey composed ""bless 'em all,""
dubbed ""the long and the short and the tall.""
'twas a song that cheered blighty
and heartened those mighty
young soldiers who'd answered the call.
"
"it's crazy, dear listeners. what cheek!
who'd intrude in the night, like a sneak,
and strew compost around
on my plant-laden ground?
the plot thickens?so tune in next week.
"
"at flushing, the break of my serve
was enough of a shock to unnerve
me. it happened twice more
and i winced at the score
when the umpire, who's french, called, ""seex-lerve.""
"
"my napkin (so flat, sad to tell)
caught the eye of the ma?tre d'h?tel,
who then beckoned to ben,
origami doyen,
to make creases... voil? ? it's a shell.
"
"in a tale where the truth's often blurred,
king-smith's threatened dodos are spurred
to survive through endeavour?
could these birds live for ever?
(in real life, extinction occurred.)
"
"for my right wrist and hand's cuts and bruise,
demigauntlet's the bandage i choose,
as this dressing, to wit,
is a fingerless mitt
that will still let me handle the booze.
"
"creeping buttercup's 'top of its class'
for its stolons, and spreading en masse.
while i cede that plants breed,
i wish this one could read,
as my notice says keep off the grass!
"
"eau-de-vie (french for ""water of life"")
sounds tr?s bon but it's causing us strife,
as this clear, fruit-based brandy
we keep in a handy
decanter gets hogged by my wife.
"
"it was never the kicks from my wife,
at the table, that altered my life.
yet i've since been unmanned
by this shaky old hand?
now i can't eat my peas with a knife!
"
"""...and i name her...,"" the duchess had spoken
as she triggered the christening token?
that launch-time ejection,
so nearly perfection.
if only the bottle had broken!
"
"mum's earmuffs are warm, but not cool
(we boys avoid pink, as a rule).
with a hairband they're bound
and they're furry and round?
there's no way i'd wear them to school!
"
"with most chess pieces lost in the fray,
there remains the key endgame to play.
in this ultimate stage,
both opponents engage
further ploys that might win them the day.
"
"dynamic (it moves) electricity
is the flow of a charge? dear felicity,
my battery's ready
to issue its steady
emissions?i'll need your complicity?
"
"now advisedness (prudence) has come
to the fore, a new mummy, or mum,
will consider a scheme
like a fitness regime
that might tone up my her tummy, or tum.
"
"she's a wordsmith whose heart's on the mend;
i've been easing her tears (as a friend).
but sooner or later,
at least when i date her,
her teasing my ears has to end.
"
"doerfler-stewart? oh, blast their whole test
of my hearing that dared to suggest
that i've somehow not heard
a damn, masked, spondee word.
my emotions are blamed! had you guessed?
"
"for this golf pro, an early debate
involved sobriquets?which to create?
soon the press wished good luck
to el pato (the duck)?
so dubbed for his slow, waddling gait.
"
"a propeller with steady rotation
will produce, in its shaft, low vibration.
the efficient design
makes the forces benign:
a dynamical balance creation.
"
"a coxless, competitive four
must be steered by a rower. what's more,
poor control of the rudder
(the thought makes me shudder)
might leave us marooned on the shore.
"
"my spectacles don't feel the same
since an earpiece just snapped from the frame.
though my head may look thinner
(with naked right pinna),
in truth, it's lopsided and lame.
"
"""this music's terrific!"" he said,
with both earpieces stuck to his head,
and two wires leading down
to his ipod. i frown?
can't he see that i'm reading instead?
"
"i'm amused by a transient notion
about  chickens that show such devotion
they crowd one another
and follow their mother:
it's lyrical ?  poultry in motion!
"
"ballroom music's refined ? with a beat.
feel that rhythm that makes it complete.
it may end rallentando
but avoid accelerando
lest dancers are twirled off their feet.
"
"conversation? we're starting to yell,
and our voices rant on, i can tell.
in the midst of this din,
i suppress a small grin
as both anagrams suit us quite well.
"
"damping off ? seedlings just seem to faint,
having rotted ? a fungal complaint.
as the spores thrive in water,
then maybe i oughta
employ hydrophilic restraint.
"
"insomniac little bo peep
has resorted to counting her sheep.
but those surd, ovine numbers
(supposed prelude to slumbers)
as of yet haven't lulled her to sleep.
"
"it's heartbreak to read acridology
when the subject affects my psychology.
i'm helpless to stop
my mind's grasshopper hop
onto anagrams ? wow! ? cardiology!
"
"a fast folder from abergavenny
had finished a centipede when he
discovered, shamefaced,
the result of his haste ?
the poor creature had one leg too many.
"
"oh gar?on, how i wish to accrue
some condiment knowledge from you.
it's the mustard we ate ?
have you served it of late?
i've a feeling you have ? dijon vu!
"
"a boy genius called mozart was four
when, with ease, he played  works from the score;
and von neumann and gauss
displayed wunderkind nous ?
many others i've had to ignore.
"
"there's a cupboard in which we'd deposit
our cleaning equipment. so was it
a fear of the dark
or a sweeping remark
caused our broom to come out of the closet?
"
"a boastful, old farmer called woods
bragged his rooster was king of the studs.
let the two of them crow?
we, the egg lovers, know
it's the hens that deliver the goods.
"
"the colour sergeant's shot and must drag
his dead leg, which is seen as a snag.
yet, he still bears the standard?
he hasn't meandered.
who says he's beginning to flag?
"
"his curatorship work keeps him bound
to a desk. there are wags who propound:
""the museum's old boss'll
turn into a fossil
unless he starts moving around.""
"
"epanadiplosis can claim
to mean ""first and last words are the same"",
as in: aim to tell friends
'bout the duplicate ends
of this sentence; again i say, aim.
"
"epidiascopes, make no mistake,
display objects?transparent/opaque.
they are only projectors
of images?spectres,
so scary that children may quake.
"
"it's the customable (usual) style:
a proud dad walks his girl down the aisle.
but not mine: i've a father
who says that he'd rather
his daughter eloped?i just smile.
"
"i'm their father?each youngster's a pearl.
yet my culpatory wife's prone to hurl:
""it's your seed that i blame!
every child is the same?
girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl.""
"
"a word is repeated for stress:
epizeuxis. i'm pleased to confess
to my hearing this style
as i walked down the aisle:
""what a wonderful, wonderful dress!""
"
"criminations, you hope, are not just
accusations of wrongdoing. trust
that the law means to charge
every felon at large?
in a far-reaching, very big bust.
"
"try psychology?study the mind;
prefix criminal?sadly you'll find
that the brain of a felon
is likely to dwell on
those schemes that won't profit mankind.
"
"dulciana, with sweet, string-like tone
(not the long-winded dirge of a drone),
is a stop on the great ?
pull it out and create...
but for whom? ? i'm in here on my own.
"
"nil-nil ? near the close and there's doubt;
will a team score a goal ? end this drought?
yet the statutes of play
for these rivals today
state that one of them must be knocked out.
"
"i've a passion for horror tv,
and i've just seen a show starring me.
now my leg's in a mess,
and i bet you can't guess?
the film arthrogram stars my left knee!
"
"in my search for a cubature unit
for this vessel, i'd faltered; but soon it
was time to find out
'bout the pot and its spout.
for my teapot, i'd chosen to spoon it!
"
"if a doctor's called bones, how it fills
me with trust in his skeletal skills.
now my blood fails to clot,
am i happy or not
that a clotter will send me his bills?
"
"to one of you rogues, thanks a bunch.
you can't hide, and we've come to the crunch.
so just tell me which yellow,
contemptible fellow
has stolen the cork from my lunch.
"
"a career break, my chance to deploy?
have two kids and resume work with joy.
but that plan went awry
when it turned out that i
had a daughter, then quads, each a boy.
"
"father john jokes his past has been shady
with a scandal at birth. he's afraid he
is dying from shame
and embarrassed to claim,
""i was born while in bed with a lady.""
"
"filled with love, i had planned in advance
that i'd ask my new beau for a dance.
""oh, i'm sorry, my dear,
the dance orchestra's here.
i'm conducting, and can't change my stance.""
"
"i'm shocked that you've been so abusive.
closed intervals aren't that delusive.
when '12 down to 4'
is the set to explore,
count them in ? 12 and 4. that's conclusive!
"
"the encasement of grannie's tall clock
 gave protection from dust or a knock,
 and served well as the track,
 for the mouse, up and back,
 as in ""hickory, dickory, dock?""
"
"a glass litre of malt's in my grip;
i can start to embottle a ship.
but this project (to slide
the slim model inside)
ought to wait... till i've sipped the last nip.
"
"here's advice for a doodler who's shy:
 choose encirclets (small rings) and then try
 to just let your mind go
 so the circles can flow.
 in the round, it's as easy as pi.
"
"six brothers lie squashed in a bed;
they hear footsteps which fill them with dread.
now a seventh will enter
and edge up the centre.
""don't push in! just push off instead!""
"
"in the bathtub, i don't need to grope:
i use echo and soundings, and hope
that the pulse-timing shows
any wrecks, and then goes
on to pinpoint my slippery soap.
"
"an earth tremor strikes in a wink,
and the bar lounge is shaken. i think
that i'm far from content
with this seismic event:
it seems hell-bent on spilling my drink.
"
"a thermally stratified lake's
top-most tier (epilimnion) makes
a warm, o2-rich layer?
phytoplankton live there?
and gets skipped on by ducks and by drakes.
"
"our scarecrow's domanial clout,
in his realm, is now waning. no doubt,
he would gain more control
in this field, on the whole,
if he only was able to shout.
"
"eco-this, eco-that, all around us?
yes, ""environment-friendly"" has found us.
we should publicly stay
with this earth-saving way,
or the warriors (eco-) may hound us.
"
"she's the champ! many ""hats"" are now tossed?
disarrayment ensues (at a cost).
in this chaos/disorder,
we wildly applaud her.
(for sure, my tiara is lost.)
"
"an engastrimuth's dummy from louth,
while on stage with his master down south,
quipped, ""your hand's in control
of my body and soul?
but please stop putting words in my mouth.""
"
"i am writing this letter to show you
i haven't forgotten the dough. you
see enc. at the top?
means enclosed?so i'll pop
in a cheque for the money i owe you.
"
"""we look kindly on ramblers,"" smiled marge,
""if they close the farm gates. by and large,
they can enter a lea,
walk across it for free?
but we do have a bull that may charge.""
"
"""yes, play 'armies',"" smiled grandmother nell,
""but let the troop cofferer tell
you?the strongbox should hold
only jewels and gold.
it can't take toy soldiers as well.""
"
"claiming blooms endecagynous, you've
got to count each one's pistils to prove
that they number eleven,
not nine, eight or seven?
that bee may be checking. don't move!
"
"our engagement, my dear, could be bliss
were it not for the presence of miss
prudence chaperone, who
governs all that we do?
even banning a pre-wedding kiss.
"
"he's in candlestick telephone days,
where a two-piece device is the craze.
one's an earpiece to press
to his pinna, and yes,
here's a caller. she speaks?he obeys.
"
"the ad claimed: good mechanic for hire.
his engagement turned out to be dire.
i gave him a mission
to fix the ignition.
he managed to set it on fire.
"
"life's a slalom. i'm struggling to cope?
all those hazards. i've started to tope.
i need ducture (not snow),
to wit, guidance, to slow
my decline on the slippery slope.
"
"encephalalgia (bedtime malaise)
is my wife's new excuse. through this phase
i'm frustrated and huff
at the latest rebuff...
and i dream of our pre-headache lays days.
"
"after scoring a marvellous try,
he was asked to describe himself: ""why,
i'm ecstatic, fulfilled?
and i'm wondrously skilled!""
an epithet missing was shy.
"
"now, beggarliness (sadly, the state
of deep poverty) sparks a debate.
""we could all help, i guess,
if we ate a bit less,""
quips the fool who has most on his plate.
"
"cuboidal cells?seen, on reflection,
as layers of the body's protection?
are in kidneys and eyes,
and the testes of guys.
i've always viewed mine with affection.
"
"to converse with loquacious monique,
this collocutor's having to seek
to, at least, have his say?
maybe sometime today
if she pauses for breath, so to speak.
"
"said the hawk: ""yes, emmetropy's mine?
perfect vision. i often combine
a cold, eagle-eyed stare,
from on high in the air,
with a swoop to my prey... then i dine.""
"
"""epistaxis,"" i smile at my foes,
""is the bleeding from nostrils by those
who might get in the way
of my boxing display.
it may stem from a punch on the nose.""
"
"we've an epulary evening in store,
with its feasting and courses galore.
we look forward to this
tasty, banqueting bliss?
i just hope we can finish the boar.
"
"how unfair! emmetropic aunt joan
(so dubbed as her vision is known
to be perfect) espies
any motes in our eyes,
while ignoring the beams in her own.
"
"prefix english, not german, to flute.
does our kay know the name? the point's moot.
she just says my recorder.
(our parents reward her
for tonguing with tu and not toot.)
"
"endoscopy! splendid! first class?
when a cable and camera can pass
through the anus to check
what's amiss past the rec-
tum. who says it's a pain in the ass?
"
"epanorthosis: a word is replaced?
now more striking?which shows controlled haste,
as in: ""dora has dozens,
nay, hundreds, of cousins!
(and half are in jail or disgraced.)""
"
"in the wars of the roses (two flowers),
this engagement's been raging for hours.
we'll continue the slaughter
come hell or high water
(with occasional breaks to take showers).
"
"my manhood had always impressed,
till my threshhold for pain was assessed.
i wore a fixed grin
as the light burned my skin.
at two dols, though, i screamed, ""stop the test!""
"
"""we're discussing your conduct,"" i sigh,
""your  demeanure/behaviour?and i
find it puzzling and strange
that you say you can't change?
d'you mean you're unwilling to try?""
"
"in the desert, their campfire should
boost the greenhorns' morale?but there could
be a fly in the ointment,
to cause disappointment:
a deficience (a shortage) of wood.
"
"my vehicle's broken?i feel
that a look at the gears will reveal
how the sudden defailure
of my cycle's derailleur
has just put a spoke in the wheel.
"
"look at criminal justice and sport:
compare  systems where judgements are sought.
for a lawbreaking menace
and line calls in tennis,
all matters are settled in court.
"
"enigmatically (cryptically) showing
her mood, my new wife's started throwing
me out of our bed?
then she purrs, ""go ahead.""
i don't know if i'm coming or going!
"
"liability's proven, my lord,
and it's criminal, so i'll record
that the culpable deed
is... your lordship smokes weed!
no surprise that your summing-up's flawed!
"
"my young niece (an enigmatist) peg
talks in riddles, and sometimes i beg,
""won't you give me a rest
from the one you love best:
'which came first?was it chicken or egg?""'
"
"you hold three of a kind and a pair:
a full house poker hand. but beware:
in this card players' session,
your deadpan expression
fools no one ? you haven't a prayer.
"
"a new bathroom is right up her street:
the long mirror that makes it complete
shows a full-length perfection ?
whole-body reflection ?
including her trotter-like feet.
"
"there's follicular sadness in me
re the holes, in my head, you can't see:
each a hair's root should hold,
but as mine are now old,
they're all empty ? except the last three.
"
"a field hospital, tents in formation,
treats the wounded. its normal location
in a war zone's design
is behind the front line.
it's a movable, surgical station.
"
"to the front of the flock i'll not go
because followership's all that i know.
there are some who like leading;
i'm happy proceeding
behind, where i go with the flow.
"
"you've a migraine: the place is too bright.
draw the drapes?try to banish the light.
now relax in the balm
of this darkened-room calm.
hope the throbbing will fade from your sight.
"
"johnny flynn, in the rhyme ""ding dong bell"",
left the puss in a deep-shafted hell.
don't assume lack of light
further darkened  its plight:
any cat would see purrfectly well.
"
"the dalmatian / sweet irises stun:
seems the rhizomes are second to none.
fans of disney may know
why my lilac-blue show
spells, in flowers, one hundred and one.
"
"a vast catalogue, ornaments' tome,
presents decoraments fit for the home.
i had hoped to adorn
my synthetic front lawn,
but the index seems not to list gnome.
"
"""in the bar, don't i customably pay
for my round?"" came the answer: ""no way!
'get the drinks?it's your shout'
means you mostly cop out:
'got to go?feeling queasy,' you say.""
"
"i regret my benightedness?i'm
not au fait with the ways of this rhyme.
i've been helped by a mate
who's a limerick great?
but he's gone home. yours sincerely, simon.
"
"he's blusteringly having his say
in a pompous and noisy display.
we have heard it before?
it's becoming a bore.
thank goodness he's moving away.
"
"there's engagement again and again
with the action of sprockets on chain,
and it's audibly clear
when i change to low gear
as i'm pedalling home up the lane.
"
"in some fruits, a hard layer is grown;
it's the endocarp?scarcely well known.
(peaches, plums have a need
to protect their core seed.)
most people would call it the stone.
"
"sherlock holmes?was he one of those chaps
who, when cold, kept his ears under wraps
by releasing the flaps
on his deerstalker caps?
were those earlaps tied under? perhaps.
"
"i had bragged of my foot's immense skill
at controlling the rudder, until
my huge sneeze jerked the cable;
our boat was unable
to finish the race. bitter pill!
"
"a new safety deposit box rule
at the bank means, in future, that you'll
still be locking up stocks
in your strong, metal box?
but not flowers. i feel such a fool!
"
"endoscopic: about a design
that can probe in this body of mine.
on a long, slender cable,
a camera is able
to film where the sun doesn't shine.
"
"the endoscope's easing ahead
with its camera-tipped cable now fed
through the mouth, past the throat...
will the pictures denote
that the growth in my stomach has spread?
"
"i've been playing with chalks in our street,
and i've drawn a plane shape 'round a seat.
my big sister confides,
""wow! eleven straight sides!
your endecagon's finished?complete.""
"
"a centennial party is held
every one hundred years that are felled
by a person or nation.
in grand celebration,
the cry of centenary's yelled.
"
"if in medical school you will spurn
gynaecology's topic but yearn
to study male health,
there's not a great wealth
of andrology knowledge to learn.
"
"my alektorophobia scoop:
fear of chickens, their eggs and/or poop.
just the sound of one cluckin'
makes me fear that i'm stuck in
their feather-filled, dark, cramped-up coop.
"
"these modern day strictures are spurious.
our teen son's done nothing to worry us.
what goes on in his head,
whom he takes to his bed...
it's his choice if he's straight or bi-curious.
"
"it's the cause of my dear wife's frustration,
this newly discovered fixation.
our shared time i pilfer;
my role? an oedilfer.
she hopes i will halt?a cessation.
"
"the amount an explosive will whizz
depends how azotic it is.
tnt's much abused,
though its profits were used
by nobel for that peace prize of his.
"
"azimuthal arcs used to be noted
with transits surveyors oft toted.
but they're way out of date;
gps sets you straight.
those angles have now been demoted.
"
"in the sky, earth's celestial pole
is the point 'round which stars always stroll.
polaris you know
in the north, but below
there's no southern pole star to extoll.
"
"for our home, my tall wife has acquired
a stool, since she grew pretty tired
of bending so much
just to kiss me (and such).
adequation!  we're even!  inspired.
"
"the ""celestial city"" of fame
and heaven are one and the same.
if you'll take god's salvation
and give adoration
you'll journey there, post mortal game.
"
"amalthea, huge jupiter's moon,
orbits twice for each earth solar noon.
an asteroid captured,
with jove she's enraptured.
from io, now sulphur-bestrewn.
"
"even thinking of crossing the street
makes my face turn as white as a sheet.
whirling traffic's quick breeze
sets my body to freeze
my enslaved, agyrophobic lead feet.
"
"california has senator boxer.
she's tough; it's quite hard to outfox her.
the push for gay rights
is just one of her fights.
she's cool; right-wing flak never rocks her.
"
"in kentucky, they're fond of mint juleps,
a drink that has passed not a few lips.
most are pleased by the mint
(alcoholature's hint)
in spring, on the downs, midst the tulips.
"
"vampire bob fears cuisine from the thai;
pungent garlic their cooks like to fry.
those cloves give him the willies,
not the freaking hot chilies.
he's an alliumphobic bat guy.
"
"using cerium oxide's the last
step in polishing mirrors.  it's cast
on the surface and ground
nice and smooth all around.
it removes nicks and scratches so fast!
"
"near the altar stood father mcphail
blessing celebrants up at the rail.
though he's quite a fine pastor,
i wish he'd go faster.
while waiting, the host will go stale.
"
"our old friend is from ?rainn, a celt.
inis m?r is the home where she's dwelt
knitting jumpers, her trade,
sold to brits who invade
from the mainland when winter snows melt.
"
"when you're sending your readers to hare
after facts of importance elsewhere
that you think may shed light
on your text, what you write
are the letters cf., ""please compare"".
"
"all the visible spectrum is spread
in a rainbow, that glorious thread.
aeolotropy bright,
colors change left to right,
splendid nature arched well overhead.
"
"in pie town we look to the sky
with a dish to do vlbi.
so the locals agreed
when they wrote the town's creed:
""travel here to celestify pie.""
"
"during sesame street's starting spiel
are shown donors both quirky and real.
it's a kid-centric crew,
such as ""viewers like you"".
pampers, c, and fifteen are ideal.
"
"calorescence occurs when you shine
only infrared light on the tine
of a fork and it glows.
this experiment shows
we made long wavelengths short by design.
"
"he was sent up the river to sing sing.
said his cellmate, the dastardly ling-ling,
""if the fuzz have you snitch
i will make you my bitch.""
that's the peril of trafficking bling-bling.
"
"california's a liberal state
right-wing media like to berate
for its tree-hugging laws,
which they see as great flaws
in this large conservation debate.
"
"any place where you look in the sky,
a celestial point you'll espy,
like a planet or star,
or voids in the bar
of the milky way's belt, way up high.
"
"perhaps there lies waiting offscreen
a perpetual motion machine.
its ceaseless gyration
defies conservation
of energy.  likely it's green.
"
"i can see what the hubbub's about.
this young centerfold's wearing a pout
and some lacy silk hose
(the extent of her clothes)
in the magazine's center, spread out.
"
"east indians hold in esteem
their hardy mahogany, neem.
this arid tree's sprigs
are eaten. its twigs?
bug repellant and toothbrush supreme!
"
"the felon's last crime was a thrill,
as he blew up the jail on the hill.
he was sentenced quite well;
now he's building his cell.
his celliferous term's running still.
"
"champagne is a region in france,
while champagne, bubbling wine, builds romance.
it's the second fermenting
that leads to the venting
of gas at each new year's eve dance.
"
"at the car show i noticed a pattern:
every model looked somewhat a slattern.
""your celestial body...""
i said to one hottie.
she replied, ""you mean me or that saturn?""
"
"the great hercule poirot's a detective
who's brilliant and always objective.
you'll find him in books,
solving crimes, catching crooks.
this character's tastes are selective.
"
"gorgonzola's a mold-laden cheese
that i've come to enjoy by degrees.
milk is churned, strained and pressed,
and then aged in a chest.
it goes well with polenta and peas.
"
"the 8th hussar captain said, ""sarge,
their batt'ries of cannon are large.
i will not deny
we are likely to die
ahorse in this cavalry charge.""
"
"we adulate virge; he's our hero!
so soft-spoken, like robert de niro.
we ply him with praise
'cause oedilf's budget pays
him nothing (like absolute zero).
"
"carlsbad caverns shows acid's strong mark
in its underground rooms, black and stark.
though it's all in my mind,
i feel trapped and confined
when i enter this national park.
"
"the baffling thing about guys
is you never can tell by their eyes
if they offer romance
when they ask you to dance
or it's lust that they've thinly disguised.
"
"using calamine lotion reprieves
rash and itch caused by poison oak leaves.
this abirritant goo
isn't needed if you
take precaution to wear long shirt sleeves.
"
"a plateau that is raised from the sea floor,
but has no dry land, nor a seashore,
is known as a bank.
the surface is blank;
take a dive to the bottom to see more.
"
"my dark, checkered past came to light
when a cop pulled me over one night.
her computer spewed torrents
of outstanding warrants
for me: nineteen thefts and a fight.
"
"when a nuclear plant expels water
through an ajutage (pipe), a chance yachter
sailing close to the shore,
should she choose to explore,
would discover the ocean was hotter.
"
"my uncle is cheap, you will see?
he drinks water when others drink tea.
in the winter he'll freeze,
while a summertime breeze
heats his house to 103.
"
"to choose is to make a decision?
put another way, take a position.
a choice is what you
have decided to do
or the option that got your permission.
"
"our painters used colors quite bright
(neon pink in the den was a fright).
lanh and phong and i spatted,
on chromatics we chatted,
and i made the two wongs make it white.
"
"if celeriac's what you now lack
for your salad, stop chopping, go back
to the store for some shoots
and more celery roots.
they're two names for the same crunchy snack.
"
"basic chutney's a south-asian relish
of vegetables cooks will embellish
with chilies and spices.
the consequent price is
a chutney so hot that it's hellish.
"
"if two different dyes have been blended
but you'd like them apart, as intended,
chromatography's key:
find a medium free
to choose one from the other.  it's mended.
"
"words by thousands that must be defined!
which to choose?  i can't make up my mind.
write a lim, straight but easy?
how 'bout verse light and breezy?
i can't pick one.  i'm stuck in a bind.
"
"the act of ignition needs mention,
as explosions and fire draw attention.
when you kindle a flame,
what you do has a name;
the technical term is accension.
"
"in love they say nothing is certain.
yes or no's tough to see when you're flirtin'.
was she bored or just tired
when she said she desired
to go home? did she drop the last curtain?
"
"""whaddya mean, my account has a hold?
pay up now, or i'll be disenrolled?
mr. bursar, the fees
we pay out for degrees
are a rip off?we're not made of gold.""
"
"on a putting green far in the north,
i hit balls to and fro, back and forth,
as i polish my game.
to shoot par is my aim?
hence the time i spend out on the swarth.
"
"when golfing, a chip shot's routine
(it's a short, arcing shot to the green),
and no landscaper blanches
when chipping up branches.
as groundcover, wood chips look clean.
"
"take the plane perpendicular to
earth's rotational axis 'neath you.
push it into the sky.
a great circle you spy;
the celestial equator's in view.
"
"our lab had a series of troubles;
seems that cloud chambers can't be the doubles
of ion detectors
that measure their vectors.
they're chambers that work using bubbles.
"
"""hey baby, it's not a request!
get your butt into bed! get undressed!""
but she'd had quite enough
of this boorish, gruff stuff.
she responded, ""sir, churly, you jest.""
"
"mother's chili beat all of the rest
at a chili con carne taste test.
most use beef, pork or spam,
while she adds only lamb.
chili, garlic and spices add zest.
"
"aletheia, greek goddess divine,
is the truth ? that which thinkers define;
such as heidegger's thread?
""it's revealed now,"" he said;
and she's asteroid 259.
"
"the census's staff were dismayed
when they found out some homes they'd surveyed
were confused by the forms.
now wyoming's wage norms
are one-sixth what they were last decade.
"
"a bad accent will always betray
foreign words you don't know how to say.
diacritical marks
are the accents, like arcs,
that you use to change ole to ol?.
"
"i'm not in the mood to debate
her curfew.  my daughter's irate
'cause she thinks i afflict
her with rules far too strict,
whereas i think she's too young to date.
"
"she enjoyed being handcuffed and spanked
till her bfe crashed, burned and tanked.
sue was left in the lurch
when he joined a crazed church?
his ""dear jane"" note was bfe-franked.
"
"the westminster chimes are a block
of notes often played on a clock
or on church bells in towers
that mark quarter hours,
quite handy when taking a walk.
"
"oft in probate, decisions judicial
disappoint 'cause they're not beneficial.
if will one favored you,
but they signed number two,
it's the latter the judge will initial.
"
"yellow cellulose nitrate's created
when cotton is acid nitrated.
it's explosive and leaves
little smoke on your sleeves,
so black powder was quickly outdated.
"
"circular polarization:
a helix-shaped light wave formation
that travels through space
(any time, any place)
to the earth from the dawn of creation.
"
"what corroborates all that you said?
not your principal witness, who's dead.
the audio's wiped,
the video's striped
and the transcript's a loose pile of shred.
"
"from the opening scene this film's gushy.
the plot is romantic and mushy.
there's a girl and her boy,
and a coy ex boy toy.
just like all sappy chick flicks it's slushy.
"
"plant corn on the 15th of may.
june 20th harvest the hay.
such farming advice,
plus sunsets precise,
most almanacs plainly display.
"
"at the 3-d shapes' speed dating fest,
i am charmed by a girl who's possessed
of a circular section
and tube-like perfection.
for now, she's cylindrically dressed.
"
"the six-cubited swaggerer knew
that his stature scared all but a few.
one of those?young, defiant?
sized up the smug giant,
then nine feet of hubris he slew.
"
"he says, cussedly, ""over my dead,
lifeless body!"" it enters my head:
such a threat from my spouse,
who's a pig-headed louse,
tempts this wife to arrange what he said.
"
"what a nightmare: the viking hordes yell?
raging expilators sack where i dwell.
how unsporting to plunder
my treasures! by thunder?
they've taken my golf clubs as well!
"
"some limerick writers (like lear)
use superfluous wording. oh dear!
such expletory text
is just filler. what next?
thank goodness there's none of that here!
"
"expectance, my friend, is the feeling
that good things will happen: when dealing
with leaves and infusion,
you sense the conclusion,
and savour the thought of darjeeling.
"
"when attacked, mister bond, you've a flair
for avoiding most blows. but beware:
from the shoe of this ""maid""
juts a poison-tipped blade.
drat?you fend off her kicks with a chair.
"
"excaudate means ""tailless"" and, yes,
it applies to most manx cats. i guess
that this breed, being smart,
evolved one fewer part
so its self-grooming time would be less.
"
"disappearance/evanishment drill
plays a part in my hide-and-seek thrill.
i pretend i'm not there,
melting into thin air;
find a nook and stay perfectly still.
"
"erewhile (that's a short time ago),
i was prone to sing doh, re, moo. so,
i then lifted my voice.
quipped a friend, ""you'd no choice:
heretofore, you were starting to low.""
"
"when inspecting my clothing i found
that it mostly is knit in the round.
a machine makes a tube,
fit for gut or for boob,
then the circular knit's tied and bound.
"
"trading risk for romance in andorra,
my eyes caught the glow of aurora.
""the sun's up, my sweet,""
and i took to my feet,
having slept with a married senyora.
"
"apantomancy's seeking a vision
to forecast your future condition.
an animal's actions
or random distractions
can guide a forthcoming decision.
"
"pms is a bear to behold;
she gets bloated and angry and cold.
but it's tough to define,
because sometimes she's fine
when no assident symptoms unfold.
"
"to kids, skipping class makes you cooler,
but st. jude's has this nun called ""the schooler"".
she'll take wood capped with brass
to the truants in class?
absentation beat down with a ruler.
"
"in the evening before you retire
take a moment to bank your hearth's fire.
it's the ash that controls
the combustion of coals.
if you leave them exposed they'll expire.
"
"most civic-minded citizens care
how the poor and the indigent fare.
if they'd give of their time
and a dollar (or dime)
then folks' problems would soon become rare.
"
"my friend's acuphagia grew
as each day he ate sabers anew.
all aghast, we watched painfully
as his mentor disdainfully
told him to swallow, not chew.
"
"when our mp jumped into the fray,
bloviated and blathered away,
his dull, boastful prose
caused the chamber to doze
and they slept for two nights and a day.
"
"divide volume displaced by a craft
by its beam times its length times its draft.
the answer will show
your hull's chunky or no,
so the block coefficient's not daft.
"
"autobiopic: i am the topic.
perhaps it's a little myopic,
but veracity's key
so i've cast me as me
in this pic that i've set somewhere tropic.
"
"cabernet sauvignon is the child
of two grape varietals mild:
they're cabernet franc
and sauvignon blanc.
its last name means ""found in the wild"".
"
"if your attitude's often oppressive,
combative and hostile, excessive,
you've a chip on your shoulder
the size of a boulder.
you're not passive, you're straight up aggressive.
"
"smash plutonium-239
with a helium core.  they combine
to make curium.  manic!
this stuff's trans-uranic!
as an rtg, cm's divine.
"
"on your head you can balance a plate,
or a wombat, koala or skate.
their centroid's right there
(o'er the top of your hair).
it's the center of mass on your pate.
"
"16 tauri (celaeno) shows lustre
though fifth magnitude's all she can muster.
the wife of poseidon,
she's always found hidin'
'midst sisters, the pleiades cluster.
"
"the tree populus alba, abele,
used for sand dune control is ideal,
and it grows straight and perky
in wet meadows murky.
its bark is white poplar's appeal.
"
"endorphins, like opiates, cease
your brain's pain response and release
your hurting and grief,
providing relief.
they abirritate pain, give you peace.
"
"that nick where my chisel had slipped,
(the flaw in my chair-making script)
in the cherry-wood dark,
is a ding, or a mark,
or a chip off the chair leg i clipped.
"
"i cursed as my hand lost its grip
on the chisel, which flicked a small chip
off the chair i was making.
i ended up taking
some more off to smooth out that strip.
"
"each morning my dearest will glower,
scarfing boxes of argo and flour.
it's starch that she wants,
not those cake or croissants.
that's what amylophages devour.
"
"my spouse sips a pepsi each day.
these drinks keep her headaches at bay.
it's hard to go clean
from this drug called caffeine.
caffeinated, it seems, she will stay.
"
"odd trinkets for sale: albuquirky.
the snack vendors' wares: albujerky.
in pubs: albuturkey.
pools cleaned: albumurky.
new mexico's town: albuquerque.
"
"the ads in my newspaper state:
""are you broke?  need some cash? please donate
just your plasma.  you'll grin!
watch the centrifuge spin!
now you've 40 bucks cash for a date.""
"
"my mom has a cedar-lined closet.
the moths flitter elsewhere because it
keeps insects away
with its fragrant bouquet,
and it saves woollen clothes, i shall posit.
"
"chikako's planned birthday oration
was marred by her mis-formulation
of the right english sound.
what came out was profound:
""thanks for coming to this cerebration.""
"
"in the caring relation we've shared,
i have erred when i haven't declared
that i love only you,
and it just wasn't true
when i aired that i couldn't have cared.
"
"old astronomers thought it was clear ?
crystal globe, the celestial sphere.
stars in perfect rotation
reflect god's creation,
with wandering planets quite near.
"
"i've discovered the evenings you shared
with that foolish blonde bimbo. you dared!
pack your bags, jim, i'm done
being your loving hon.
i thought 'twas for me that you cared.
"
"a cepheid's light curve will vary
if its envelope's dense or it's aery.
that period shows
its true brightness.  one knows
now its distance, which answers your query.
"
"an air cushion restraint system's used
when the front of your wagon is fused
with the side of a lorry,
preventing a gory
result, but you're going to be bruised.
"
"""your grandma can talk,"" said my dad.
""if you try to hang up she'll get mad.
she'll keep chatting for hours
on the weather or flowers
or the fact that her pots are all-clad.""
"
"acetic anhydride will start
acylation of morphine, the heart
of the chemical switch
of the compounds by which
we make heroin.  easy and smart.
"
"in the acts of apostles, paul's trip:
king agrippa put paul on a ship.
adramyttium's port
was the start of his short
jaunt to rome, just a hop, jump and skip.
"
"cgs sets the system we use.
when we measure in physics we choose
units easy to measure,
not those which we treasure,
as furlongs and fortnights confuse.
"
"potatoes sliced thin and then fried
are called chips in the states, but worldwide
other names (uk: crisps)
are attached to these wisps
full of starch, good with dip on the side.
"
"the noun chip can refer to the base
of a semiconductor, the place
where silicon's doped
in a process that's hoped
will support a fine circuitry lace.
"
"dried feces or dung used as fuel,
from a wildebeest, cow, horse or mule,
is known as a chip,
and can sometimes be hip.
burning stool at your school can be cool.
"
"when choosing a bottle of wine,
any cabernet franc is divine.
its peppery nose
and taste often goes
with saumon aux poireaux when i dine.
"
"if i shift my position and you
decide that you'll compromise too,
then we've room in our bed
for my chocolate sled
in addition to seals from the zoo.
"
"you say i have estimable hair
which deserves admiration. beware!
it's not worth such esteem
for, at night, while i dream,
it is stored on a stand with a spare.
"
"equiparate wanted to be
in a sonnet; the bard said, ""i'll see.""
in the end, will preferred
a synonymous word,
viz., compare, which he placed before thee.
"
"i gaze at a peach with its thin,
fuzzy epicarp, i.e., its skin...
i really don't care
for this outermost layer,
but i bite it and eat what's within.
"
"an ettin (a giant) had come
for advice from his ogre-sized mum.
""i've been bellowing fee;
no one's scared."" replied she:
""have you tried adding fie, foe and fum?""
"
"their eveningwear's ready to show?
his dress suit, her gown. it's a blow
for a girl and her squire
when such formal attire
isn't seen?there's just nowhere to go.
"
"""why install a new monarch?"" gasps he.
""i'm as fit (cough)?as fit as can be.
no enthronement is needed:
i haven't (wheeze) ceded.
the king? of this realm? is still?.""
"
"in a screenplay: engore the guy's bed?
make it sanguine?he's meant to be dead
would have bloody good zing
if they'd use the real thing,
but they tamely squirt ketchup instead.
"
"in the bush, we (the fauna) have planned
to enlengthen the airstrip at hand.
we're extending one end
for a pachyderm friend
who will visit when jumbos can land.
"
"how'll i deal with the ""quote"" in the press?
disaffirmance?denial, no less?
as i try to make clear
that i never, no fear,
said her bottom looked big in that dress.
"
"for long cylinders, here is a key
to diametral reckoning: see
what the girth is?stand by
to divide it by pi.
find the width of a pipe or a tree.
"
"""i haven't told dad that our brother
and his drag queen significant other
cohabit a flat,
share a bed and a cat.""
""it's best that he hear it from mother.""
"
"""my knight to f6.  check and mate,""
said my father, thus sealing my fate.
though my chess king was captured,
we both were enraptured.
competing's a shared family trait.
"
"""there's a thousand growth rings, i would gauge,
each a bit of its history, a page.""
as my chainsaw blade sunk
deeply into its trunk?
tree rings show chronological age.
"
"though we'll never forgive his race notion,
hitler's speeches evoked great emotion.
his intense personality,
magnetic vitality
and charisma gained german devotion.
"
"every time that i see her i freeze,
lose control and get weak at the knees
and fall to the floor,
arising no more:
astasia on sighting my squeeze.
"
"mayday!  help! i'm adrift, out to sea.
my boat's snapped in two.  the debris
has blown up ? it's on fire!
situation is dire.
send a cutter, i need the cg!
"
"you will notice that air, if it's clean,
isn't tinted chartreuse or lime green.
with no dust or debris
it is plain, color-free.
that's achromic, with no shade or sheen.
"
"the civil authority's force
(from its statute or charter, the source
of its strength to suppress
all rebellion and mess)
keeps the peace as a matter of course.
"
"if you worship the sun or the moon,
or for heavenly bodies you swoon,
then your faith is astrolatry,
not zen or idolatry,
a creed some lampoon and impugn.
"
"i stood in the florist's shop, frozen,
while choosing between flowers rosen.
i let chance be my guide;
flipped a coin to decide?
golden blooms, arbitrarily chosen.
"
"to childproof your home, you'll put each
thing that's dangerous to kids out of reach,
like drugs, guns and knives
(which yearly claim lives),
and cleaning supplies such as bleach.
"
"a circadian process is one
that will cycle whenever the sun
passes once through the sky;
on return, we espy
that the process has newly begun.
"
"in an aqueduct water flows down
from its source, through a pipe, to a town
atop aqueduct bridges
that arch between ridges
and keep the pipe up off the groun'.
"
"first ferment the green beans of cacao.
then roast, shell and grind them up.  how
do some fools add milk to
luscious dark chocolate's brew?
it's less bitter that way, i'll allow.
"
"greenwich mean astronomical time:
a term awkward and less than sublime,
which was used to display
passing hours of the day
noon to noon at meridian prime.
"
"i'm frightened, and take no delight
in the colors that tickle my sight
such as rust, tangerine,
hot magenta or green.
chromophobia's never all right.
"
"an aul's a town set defensively;
far from water, they weren't built extensively.
the peasants had learned
when their houses were burned;
build it strong or rebuild it expensively.
"
"lithography etches and strips
the electrical hummocks and dips
through which current goes
in its gate-driven flows.
that's how circuitry gets onto chips.
"
"a cinder cone: hill of debris
of cooled magma and rock that's thrown free
of volcanic-flow vents
in earth's crust (called its rents).
it's a sight that you'll not often see.
"
"seen at latitudes southwards of perth,
aurora australis' birth
is the solar wind dashing
through b-fields and smashing
up oxygen gas here on earth.
"
"every wave that goes up must come down
and describing its height is a noun:
the amplitude speaks
of the top voltage peaks
from con ed when it powers your town.
"
"the ascriptive remark at the end
of the toilet-wall humor he'd penned
made it clear whom to blame.
yes, he'd written his name,
but he claimed he'd been framed by a friend.
"
"cells construct stuff, producing anabolites,
and they break stuff down, leaving catabolites.
and the drugs that upset
all this work when they get
in the way are called antimetabolites.
"
"my alogical world-view's a winner.
there's no logic to faze the beginner.
if i throw in enough
vague untestable stuff,
it'll eat your dull science for dinner.
"
"sometimes english may seem like a plot.
it has allomorphs, yes, quite a lot.
is it fancy or whim
that the prefixes im-,
ir-, il-, un-, in-, and non- all mean not?
"
"if i said that my girl's almond-eyed,
then it's oval-shaped eyes i've implied.
but there's more you should know
of her eyes: they can grow?
candied almonds will open them wide.
"
"i lay my thick head down to sleep,
with a sniffle at each passing sheep.
it gets on my nerves
'cause this allergy serves
to make my catarrh gently weep.
"
"allotetraploid hybrids will get
diploid chromosomes, one complete set
from each parent. they're named
amphidiploids and claimed
to be all-o-pol... (damn, i forget!)
"
"""do it now, ere that dark day arrives.
he is waiting to enter your lives.
if you'll give him your all
at this last altar call
there's a free set of stainless steel knives.""
"
"they attend an alternative school
taking subjects most kids would call cool.
with no spelling, no grammar?
just dark arts and glamour?
on desktops they carve, ""wizzards rool.""
"
"spinning round and around at the fair,
pushed against the steel wall, and my hair
is spread out in a fan
in this curved metal can.
the centripetal force keeps me there.
"
"are all crop circles alien hordes'
ultimatum to earthly farm lords?
cereologists say
they're a cosmic display...
or maybe they're flattened with boards.
"
"homemade porn films? a technical breeze.
though 'twas not always do-as-you-please.
betamax was the first,
not the best, nor the worst.
the standard's now minidvs.
"
"her performance is most unreliable,
a condition that's non-rectifiable.
is she passive-aggressive
or manic-depressive?
whatever; she's quite certifiable.
"
"this certificate wasn't quite free ?
i spent six years to earn a degree.
my school said, ""go fig!
you know things. we dig!""
with this paper that says ""phd"".
"
"my six-year-old often will balk
at eating a celery stalk.
he'll get cranky and mutter
till i spread peanut butter
on his snack...then he'll swoop like a hawk.
"
"the neem extract azadirachtin
in spray repels mites. (it's fast-actin'.)
and if you're infested,
you should be divested;
the itchin' can be quite distractin'.
"
"graduation's a time for great cheers,
when you celebrate ending four years
academically spent
building skills to pay rent.
we'll all toast to your health?with some beers!
"
"take a celibate priest; it's construed
that he's quite unaware of things lewd.
all those prurient minds
should get off their behinds.
if he doesn't have sex, he's a prude?
"
"when you've lived through a hundred long years
you've experienced most of man's fears.
war and peace, love and strife,
birth and death?parts of life?
are the stage for a century's tears.
"
"your doctor might write akinesia
if he noticed paralysis seize ya.
but i know you too well
to be fooled; i can tell
at a glance, you're just takin' it easier.
"
"at the end of the job (what a squeeze!)
i looked round with a growing unease;
the roll was all gone!
to the neighboring john
i advanced with my pants round my knees.
"
"an analogist, asked for his view
on analogies, said, ""here's a clue:
i use them to see
how your question to me
may be likened to stirring a stew.""
"
"he sees things ? just what, he can't place.
that's an object agnosia case.
but with prosopagnosia,
this person who knows ya
won't recognize you by your face.
"
"there are principal notes in the score
that have acciaccaturas before,
which played lightly at pace
can embellish with grace,
while too slow, are a dissonant bore.
"
"the headpiece of sweet dominique
had an aigrette affixed to its peak.
her beau, as they danced,
was completely entranced
by the plume as it tickled his cheek.
"
"algolagnia is to rhiannon
as gunpowder is to the cannon.
the mind of this miss
goes kablooey with bliss
as perverse painful pleasures she's plannin'.
"
"when the deadline can't get any tighter
it's tempting to pull an all-nighter:
you work until dawn
and conclude with a yawn,
""now it's done and my future looks brighter.""
"
"a forty-year-old accoucheuse
found her calling gave birth to the blues.
each time she'd deliver
she'd cry a whole river,
then drown midwife crises in booze.
"
"my dear, as we age we replace
many things that we used to embrace.
so i'm planning, from now
(you intolerant cow),
to grow older disgracefully, grace.
"
"if you've wanted your trains filled with gravy,
be commander-in-chief of the navy.
as the admiral, we
don't expect you'll see sea
or risk sharing a locker with davy.
"
"he was rapt in his ice-painting art,
she in starting an arctic ice-mart.
you can guess how it goes,
what with life's ebbs and floes:
yes, they gradually drifted apart.
"
"she cuffed him, then gave a sly wink,
and the acts that ensued made him think
that the line in her brain
between pleasure and pain
must be drawn in invisible ink.
"
"abfarad's a massive amount,
a whole billion farads its count;
a capacitance unit
so large we lampoon it;
a measure of major account.
"
"a basset, a blind aging hound,
always bayed as he bounded around.
he couldn't learn new tricks,
but using acoustics
he echolocated by sound.
"
"acanthopterygious tries
(in its heptasyllabic disguise)
to leave you chagrined.
it just means ""spiny-finned"" ?
not much meaning there, given its size.
"
"dominique planned her beau a surprise,
painting domino spots on her thighs.
with 6-5's at the knees,
then 5-4's and 4-3's,
where the ace was, we're left to surmise.
"
"most actinides tend to decay
through radioactivit?.
they're a group most unstable
way down on the table
where heavier elements stay.
"
"when the limerick's too easy to do:
anagrammy's awards ? they're for you.
=
the shrewd sods often say,
""try, howe'er you may,
a limerick anagram, too.""
"
"while prowling his base's perimeter
major tom wore his medals and scimitar.
when he shouted, ""jump to it!""
troops knew to construe it
as ""high 'nuff to need an altimeter.""
"
"did i ask you to stand on my shoe
leaving all of my toes black and blue?
it would save you the climb
just to tell me next time
when you notice my tie is askew.
"
"aichmophobia's common in tots
as the nurse is preparing their shots.
though the jabbing is quick,
still, they're spooked by the prick,
but it's better than swellings and spots.
"
"it's aventurine?feldspar or quartz
with bits in (my tour guide reports).
it's goldstone; it's sunstone;
it's mica-flecked fun stone;
just look at the sparkles it sports.
"
"there's many a verse i've submitted
with rhymes that should not be permitted.
it must be admitted
that i have omitted
to answer for rhymes i've committed.
"
"an answer is seldom expressed
with such eloquence. yes, i'm impressed.
looking square in his eyes
surely can't have been wise.
he answered by beating his chest.
"
"""i got angry last night and we fought
'cause she told me my frenum's too short.
i tried and i tried,
but i'm always tongue-tied.""
""you've got ankyloglossia, sport.""
"
"the quack said, ""this back-session's aim?""
as his wild, whacking tactics became
an access climactic
of rage chiropractic,
""?is either to cure or to maim.""
"
"a crafty old man we call chris
wanted more than a britney spears kiss.
he, with motives impure,
and his fame as a lure,
found that access in excess was bliss.
"
"as a sheep dog, i'll give 'im 'is due;
this orstraylian shepherd's me crew.
but inside, when 'e's smellin',
you'll still 'ear me yellin',
""just get the flock outta 'ere, blue!""
"
"there once was a skilled ambidexter,
with little that ever perplexed her.
with two phones she was deft,
texting friends, right and left,
but to do so while driving still vexed her.
"
"his lifestyle was harsh and ascetic
and his teachings all sounded prophetic.
mortifying all night
was for him a delight.
all the god-talk was purely cosmetic.
"
"ablute is back-formed from ablution,
as in personal dirt dissolution.
but our aardvark pollutes
holes in which he ablutes,
so for him it's dirt redistribution.
"
"if you say that it must be admitted
that you tried it for size as you knitted,
that the fit was much better
by shaping the sweater,
then admittedly it'd be fitted.
"
"said a count from deep, dark transylvania,
long afflicted with arithmomania,
""i go vhun, two, vhun, two,
vhen i'm thirsting for you
as i'm countink on two fangs to drain ya.""
"
"it stood still in the forest at dawn,
so i couldn't see where it had gone.
apatetic concealment
employed by my meal meant
my teeth wouldn't meet the sweet fawn.
"
"it's a numerological name
of old basilidian acclaim.
to jung, it was force,
both the void and the source?
his my-gnosis-beats-yours kind of game.
"
"in heaven, ten thousand and one
years of antiphon all count as none.
we've still as much gruelling
dull verse-by-verse duelling
as when anti-fun had begun.
"
"shove hydroxyl's h out with a metal
and alcohol loses its fettle.
a salt will appear?
an alkoxide, i fear.
to this lush, that puts fish in the kettle.
"
"""this is terrible!"" groaned the headmaster,
""a second grand arson disaster.""
as the school walls were buckling,
i heard his sly chuckling:
""that accelerant made it spread faster.""
"
"there was an old hacker from wembley
who, after two jolts, became trembly.
ask him ""why?"" and he'd gloat,
""'cause i cracked and rewrote
all my pacemaker's code in assembly.""
"
"if you scatter aluminum strips
half the wavelength of radar, it trips
the receivers to seeing
a blip when you're fleeing.
chaff's useful for planes and for ships.
"
"when we study the tricks and travails
of the barnacles living on whales,
is it parasitology
or para-cetology?
who cares 'bout these pesky details?
"
"when he washes the dishes, i dry,
but he always leaves food bits i spy.
so i scold him with tact
for each spot where he slacked.
now whenever i chide him, he'll sigh.
"
"when i married, i changed my last name,
so my wife's and my surname's the same.
with a conscious decision,
we broke the tradition
of men to their wives laying claim.
"
"cesium 133's oscillation
is used to define the duration
of a second.  this base
block of time on the face
of a clock needs no more explanation.
"
"on a date my gal swapped mary janes
for stiletto-heeled boots, whips and chains.
so amazed, my jaw dropped
and my eyes bugged and popped.
to astonish, she clearly took pains.
"
"jerry springer lacks taste, i'll agree,
but his guests are amazing to see.
they wallow in ""fame"",
baring all as they blame
all their problems on mom and tv.
"
"by ""cerebrally challenged"" you meant
that my thoughts are not worth one red cent?
you're a couple fries shy
of a happy meal, guy,
and at least a pole short of a tent.
"
"an astrophotographer's one
who takes pictures (through shades) of the sun
or of mercury, venus,
or objects between us
and space's known edge, just for fun.
"
"our garden earth's churlishly thick,
mostly clay, and as hard as a brick.
since it broke my last spade;
i've been on a crusade;
my new  backhoe will fix it right quick.
"
"my doctor says ""virge, you're apractic.""
(oh, yawn, here he goes, all didactic.)
""your bumbling, i'd venture,
foreshadows dementia,
for which we've no real prophylactic.""
"
"dominique strikes a decadent pose
while shuffling a deck with her toes.
betting craps, she rolls aces
(the single dot faces).
watch out, boys, she's one of the pros.
"
"an airhead's some enemy land
where your air force has taken command.
it's also a word
for that bubblebrained bird
who's convinced al-gebra should be banned.
"
"a height-fearing queen named zenobia
tried bungee to cure acrophobia.
odaenathus protested
and primly suggested,
""tie your toga! the drop could disrobe ya!""
"
"a profligate pair in albania
had intense aphrodisiomania.
the flesh-focused two
wondered, ""what can we do
to drain the profane from our crania?""
"
"an arabic farmland awaits
in the smallest of uae states.
it's ajman on the coast
of the persian gulf. most
of its exports are gas, fish and dates.
"
"the cannibal king's cute annunciator,
a purportedly perfect pronunciator,
had her facts all exact
but she lacked any tact.
when he figured the dame was a dunce, 'e ate 'er.
"
"even though she plays zany and cute,
let me warn you, that girl is astute.
she's shrewd, so she'll see
through your game; then you'll be
one more notch on the heel of her boot.
"
"from my dad, the command, ""act your age,
not your shoe size!"" provoked me to rage.
when compared with my peers
(of equivalent years)
my behaviour was that of a sage.
"
"a chunk of geological time
when some life-forms left clues in the slime,
all of similar types,
found in strata or stripes?
that's an age served in slices of lime.
"
"she promised him, ""i shall love alway,""
in her neo-goth make me your thrall way.
he missed what she meant
and assumed her assent
to go wild in an any at all way.
"
"we can label a period historical
as ""the age of [some dude oratorical].""
but for any one year
what's important's not clear,
so it's hard to be that categorical.
"
"said the priest to his frantic aide, ""maybe
you hold fears in your heart. what could they be?""
to accoy the crazed acolyte,
unnerved by the lack o' light,
he offered a sweet jelly baby.
"
"if you study the stars and you list 'em,
the altazimuth coordinate system
as a choice would be strange
'cause the numbers all change;
as the world turns around you must twist 'em.
"
"each successive term alternates thus:
from a plus to a minus, then plus,
and it goes on forever.
unless you are clever
there's little else left to discuss.
"
"with aliasing, edges get jagged.
the scripts on your screen may look ragged.
thin diagonal lines
and curvaceous designs
drawn in pixels get zigg-ed and zagg-ed.
"
"""overwhelm with amazement profound,""
or else ""fill with great wonder"": astound
(from that old word, astoned,
like your brain's just been boned
by a substance the cops should impound).
"
"the turtle, an alligator snapper,
all iced up with bling bling looked dapper.
in rhyme he would tell us
mc macrochelys
is a bad-ass mean freestylin' rapper.
"
"she gave alunite crystals to joe,
saying, ""under your arms they must go.
they're for spiritual healing.""
(that's her way of dealing
with him and his potent bo.)
"
"a mariner, bald and rotund,
hung around looking senseless and stunned.
he, in place of a cross,
wore a dead albatross:
that's a sure-fire way to be shunned.
"
"this word can mean per or for each,
for example, ""two dollars a peach.""
though a phrase of this kind
sounds a tad unrefined,
it is not just a slurred form of speech.
"
"to me, it is most reassuring
that a wine can become more alluring
as it ages. i'd say
i'm improving each day,
but i can't rightly say i'm maturing.
"
"we think of our lifetimes in stages,
often naming these stages as ages.
there's the age of consent,
middle age, then descent
into paying those ages' back-wages.
"
"in the language i use every day
the alphabet starts with an a.
its graphical token
and sound (when it's spoken)
are also called a, so they say.
"
"this music can calm my soul's fires,
give deliv'rance from worldly desires;
to my stress it's a balm,
this antiphonal psalm:
""dueling banjos"", performed by two choirs.
"
"in a difficult exploit to follow,
anastasia decided to swallow
a zeppelin for fun.
sadly, when she was done
her accomplishment made her feel hollow.
"
"there was a fair flautist named anna
took to lying aflaunt on the piana.
though her flute skills were flawed,
anna's fans all adored
how she'd flaut in a flirtatious manner.
"
"this may seem a forward suggestion,
so i'll leave you some time for digestion.
now we've danced and we've dined,
and i've one thing in mind:
is accouplement out of the question?
"
"adjectival brands words that will do
as an adjective. hey! it's one too!
an infrequently heard
autological word...
but surely that's something you knew.
"
"this amylum (starch that's in fruits,
and in seeds, tubers, stem pith and roots)
is a part of your food,
but has come to be viewed
as a crime by the atkins recruits.
"
"apocope's droppin' the endin'
when you jus' can't be bothered expendin'
yer breath on las' letters
to soun' like yer betters.
'snot breakin' the language, it's bendin'.
"
"an ill wind will always betray
when windy is walking our way.
we could perfume his jeans
when he's been eating beans,
but it's best if we just stand abeigh.
"
"alliteration in limerick oration
applied with some lip lubrication
and a light, rolling lick
or a rough, flirting flick
will likely result in elation.
"
"his girlfriend, an aardvark named laaurel,
accused aaron of starting a quarrel.
""you asked for this argument:
with that remark you meant
i was depraved and immoral.""
"
"yes, chocolate chip cookies are fun.
they're a snack food that can't be outdone.
but one batch won't suffice:
up the quantities (thrice).
on your recipe scribble, ""serves one.""
"
"a genus of ginger, alpinia,
with rootstocks quite lumpy, not linear,
in the southern pacific
is very prolific,
and can even be grown in virginia.
"
"as a stag shows his antlers while strutting,
so the stamen holds anthers out-jutting.
when there's pollen to blow
a sweet stigma's the go
like a buck needs a doe during rutting.
"
"i've fostered his faith all along,
yet my child (who i thought would stay strong)
to apostasy strays
and to blasphemous ways.
oh bugger, where did i go wrong?
"
"dominique keeps exquisite control
of her boyfriend's mind, body and soul.
she studies allometry?
body geometry:
how a part grows compared with the whole.
"
"a fiery young aussie, lavinia
loved roots that were knobbly, not linear.
when her cravings grew hotter,
her thai partner got her
some galangal roots called alpinia.
"
"i'm flexing my feet just a little
to make amphibrach answer a riddle:
""what's the word for a foot
with three parts where you put
your main force or your weight in the middle?""
"
"there's u and pu and np,
and there's th, no and md...
actinides, actinoids?
they're just different woids
for the group that begins with ac.
"
"as the limerick enlightenment grew,
dostoevsky was versified too.
there was venting of spleen.
strolin should have foreseen
rhyme and pun-ishment's acrid review.
"
"aholiab's life we'll condense
to ""a weaver."" you're wondering whence
comes his fame? he's renowned
as a man who had found
his religious commission in tents.
"
"the ontologist mused, ""this abstractum
is the thought of a thing, known post factum.""
so he abstracted lonely
young girls, bored, with only
his concept of self to distract 'em.
"
"i really will have to chastise
my canary; he sits there and sighs,
he shuns alpist, his feed
(that's canary grass seed),
and has dark circles under his eyes.
"
"a shy, acrophobic canary
made friends with a quail on the prairie.
when a finch in a tree
propositioned him, he
said, ""your eerie, high aerie's too scary.""
"
"i sense the endearment you meant
but appallment gives rise to this vent.
dearest kay, let me say,
there's no way that i'd pay
a red cent for the scent that you sent.
"
"apophasis: i'll never say
that it means giving secrets away
when, by slip or pretension,
you casually mention
the things that you shouldn't betray.
"
"if your bomb is in need of a boom,
you'll find amatol clears the whole room:
nh4no3
4 to 1 tnt.
you're just curious, sir, i presume?
"
"writers know they must write or they'll freeze.
this is true if they're sioux or chinese.
cervantes took note.  he
created quixote;
dulcinea became the don's squeeze.
"
"there's a phony from upstate new york
who claims he's abstemious ? dork!
many times, when it's still,
from his house on the hill,
we can hear the lush popping his cork.
"
"the abacus, pearl without price:
an ancient computing device.
sliding beads strung on rods,
one can figure the odds.
you ask: ""why's it still used?""  it's precise.
"
"near sumatra, a bright  lad named tommy
called out, in great angst, to his mommy:
""quick, mom! let's leave aceh!
don't pack your versace.
we're going to get a tsunami!""
"
"the laboratory confirms
your problem does not involve germs.
it's not staph or strep
that's sapping your pep,
it's ascarids: nematode worms.
"
"using father if one means the mother,
or uncle in lieu of a brother,
are tricks metaphoric.
they're all allegoric:
one image in place of another.
"
"? cheval, in sense one, means astride
of a horse, with a leg on each side.
in sense two, it's the fits
of an army that splits,
and a general who's fit to be tied.
"
"the autotroph's life's not that rough.
as for eats, plants like these get enough.
what's behind their success
is no secret, i guess:
all their food's made from much simpler stuff.
"
"here's advice how to win auction bridge:
watch your play, do not stray?not a smidge.
i can see you're no chump;
follow me?name the trump,
and then after we've won, raid the fridge.
"
"when seclusion ms. garbo would want,
she'd begin her instructions,  ""avaunt.""
but avaunt means ""get lost"";
whatsoever the cost,
her bad diction was something she'd flaunt.
"
"mighty pharaoh, it gives me great pleasure
to tell you that ardebs can measure
most things that are dry,
so i guess you could try
to employ them to measure your treasure.
"
"there are worms in the fish in the sea.
eat those fish and their worms are set free.
  anisakis, we know,
can attack us and grow.
one should not eat raw fish ? you agree?
"
"it's the great all-american game:
sandlot ball, major leagues, hall of fame.
such fond memories, yet
we can never forget
baseball's lows: rose's woes, black sox shame.
"
"the articulate critter named bugs
is auriculate ? look at those lugs!
every kid on the block
now knows ""eeehhh, what's up doc?""
means the wabbit will twample the thugs.
"
"the truck's  driver might well have been warier
when inspecting his loaded car carrier.
he drove all the way
from detroit to l.a.,
never seeing the peeing fox terrier.
"
"an authentic piece most folks enjoy,
be they millionaire, poor, hoi polloi.
all will like it for sure
when it's genuine, pure,
and they know it's the real mccoy.
"
"in the gas station's self-service lane
came a pilot, who's pushing his plane:
""hey, kid! if you have gas,
then gimme some  avgas.""
lad answered him: ""go take a train.""
"
"i say, captain, with no note of rancor:
your boat had an oversized anchor
whose line was too short.
i'm obliged to report
that both anchor and rope are what sank her.
"
"ants are insects, and some possess wings;
social creatures ? colonial things.
they're ubiquitous, too,
bugging christian and jew;
squashed by everyone, peasants and kings.
"
"dutch courage is not what you think.
it's a courage inspired by drink.
once you've  drained the flask dry,
and decided to fly,
you'll awake the next day in the clink.
"
"the reason you're athetoid, fred,
we think was that blow to your head.
now the problem's your hands?
they don't follow commands.
they're unsteady and writhing, instead.
"
"the expert on hardwoods thus spoke:
""an acorn's the fruit of the oak,
whose genus is quercus,
but that shouldn't  irk us.""
and that was the expert's lone joke.
"
"an apocryphal story's a lie
that has happened to some other guy.
the kentucky fried rat
and the microwaved cat?
if it's hard to believe, then don't try.
"
"the sous-chef complied with your wish.
he's succeeded in cooking this dish.
he found salmon and shad
(smelt were not to be had).
here! gemisch of anadromous fish!
"
"the vessel where noah once slept,
and the box where commandments were kept:
in english both came
to have the same name.
confusing? agreed. now accept.
"
"most adulterous tales are quite sad,
and their outcomes predictably bad.
if one should discover
one's mate has a lover,
there's remorse and divorce to be had.
"
"if money's no object, you're blessed,
since clothing from lamb's wool's your quest.
doubly lucky, my dear ?
we sell astrakhan here!
try this coat, and this jacket, and vest.
"
"the tort that is based on rejection?
a marital midcourse correction
where another's to blame?
is now known by this name:
it's called alienation of affection.
"
"""equine urine"" is not what is meant
by  auspice, which means some event,
some prediction or sign
that shrewd psychics divine.
right or wrong, it has long paid the rent.
"
"an acrobat ? gymnast with class ?
has agility few can surpass.
though he flies with great ease
on high rope and trapeze,
on occasion, he falls...on the grass.
"
"wrath and pique can diminish or die.
since we know this is so, tell me why:
if those angry emotions
can surge like the oceans,
why should dudgeon, then,  always be  high?
"
"while jason (without golden fleece)
was strolling about ancient greece,
he asked goddess athena
among the verbena:
""please guide us in war and in peace.""
"
"the apteryx ? very odd bird:
great long beak, monstrous eggs, quite absurd.
mother nature awry
with a bird that can't fly?
down under, a blunder occurred.
"
"kangaroo, slightly seared, lightly peppered,
is preferred by our zoo's only leopard.
to fetch more kangaroo
(and herd wallaby, too),
we might try an  australian shepherd.
"
"apropos: timely move, opportune.
case in point:  ""let's have lunch, since it's noon.""
that's a typical sample.
one further example:
""midnight's passed. you had best be off soon.""
"
"nocturnal, the aye-aye's a lemur ?
by daylight, a slow, harmless dreamer.
but toothy, my friend,
and heaven forfend ?
if he bites, you may meet your redeemer.
"
"when a smart-ass declares  to your face
that the contrary's really the case,
then he means ""au contraire.""
if the guy seems to err,
then you must put him back in his place.
"
"she was legend, a dancer with zeal?
gifted, sexy, inspiring, surreal.
on her last day? not drunken,
 isadora  (that's duncan)
was killed when her scarf caught a wheel.
"
"atalaya is more than a house
built for huntington, anna and spouse.
it's a watchtower, moorish,
seen by some?perhaps boorish?
as unpleasin' and reason to grouse.
"
"naval words seem absurd, aye, half-assed,
and they've changed bit by bit as time's passed.
a dutch order of old
meaning ""put things on hold""
has evolved:  you will now hear  ""avast!""
"
"the alienist, placed under oath,
to give expert opinion was loath.
""do you think the accused
was composed or confused?""
after tugging his beard he said, ""both.""
"
"her teacher, one night after class,
slipped an additive into her glass.
the spike in her drink
perhaps leads us to think
that his mind's only track was ""harass"".
"
"there once was a woman from krobia
who suffered such strong acrophobia
that the couch was too high,
so her shrink said, ""juzt lie
on ze floor at my feet vhile i probe ya.""
"
"i'm an amberjack. yes, i'm okay.
i can swim all the night and the day.
i'll politely decline
if you feed me a line,
and those fishnets are far too risqu?.
"
"aald aaron the aardvark was achin'
for aaliyah his wife to aawaken.
he aahem'd as she baasked,
then aartfully aasked,
""why aain't we earth pigs makin' bacon?""
"
"""for these high parts, your sax must sound sweet!""
he exclaimed as he jumped to his feet.
""your altissimo notes
sound like castrated goats,
and your pitch, like a bloodhound in heat.""
"
"altaic has caused much ado.
it's a language group some would eschew.
they would deem hyperbolic
claims linking mongolic
to tungusic and turkic tongues too.
"
"plug in socket's an ac supply,
while for dc, give batteries a try.
if your high voltage needs
(for your dirtiest deeds)
are both ac and dc, you're bi.
"
"algolagnia's just a diversion,
a certain behaviour excursion,
in which flagellation
gives gratification.
could that be described as perversion?
"
"young sheryl the pert amorosa
(a lass who for cash won't say, ""no suh"")
purred, ""boy, let's make merry.
come, taste this dark sherry,
amoroso, at my place ? it's closuh.""
"
"an ampulla? a flask made of glass.
and?  a cruet that priests use in mass.
now, since jack there in back
answered ""membranous sac"",
he will move to the head of the class.
"
"with a lawful queen home in his bed,
louis diddled du barry instead.
it was felt all along
madame's actions were wrong;
little wonder they chopped off her head.
"
"though they know all my dough has been spent,
nagging creditors never relent.
they can dun, hound, demand,
importune, pound, command;
bloody bastards won't get a red cent.
"
"the culicines (students, take heed)
spread human disease when they feed.
her proboscis injected?
you might be infected!
malignant mosquitoes indeed.
"
"john bull, a personification,
embodies the whole english nation;
stout, middle-aged, wise,
prefers beer with the guys?
country stock, common sense, some frustration.
"
"the alpaca is kin to the llama.
its wool makes a cozy pajama.
the two beasts are mammals,
related to camels.
enough, my boy.  go bother mama.
"
"cyclospora's a germ you should shun.
if infected, you'll be on the run.
it'll strike during travels;
your trip  then  unravels.
you'll wish you had never begun.
"
"hail ""gustavo the great"" dudamel ?
gifted maestro now doing quite well.
from l.a. to milan,
georges bizet to don juan,
just how high will he fly?  who can tell?
"
"it eats crabs, it's marine, and a fish.
it's the cobia ? pricey, delish.
though it's bony and spiny,
no fish in the briny
will make us a tastier dish.
"
"roundworm parasite experts confirm
you're infected with no common germ,
that a vector gets credit ?
a fly likely spread it,
that dipetalonema's your worm.
"
"there once was a boy with amentia
who found every day an adventia.
said his ma, ""he's not mad,
just a typical lad?
lights are on, but his brain's in absentia.""
"
"akathisia results in distress
and a restless emotional mess
from the drugs that you take
for your sanity's sake ?
not unlike being sixteen, i'd guess.
"
"making ""chemical light rays unite
in one focus."" that doesn't sound right.
amasthenic phrased thus
in his tome informs us
that old webster knew little of light.
"
"election time comes, and i flee.
now tell me, sir, why should this be?
no details can be told
with counting by diebold:
abroad, i can vote absentee.
"
"this pipe organ, made in namibia,
discards diapason and tibia.
instead, all the stops ?
croaks and ribbits and plops ?
are assorted sounds made by amphibia.
"
"transferases we prefix amino
(the transaminase enzymes that we know)
promote amination.
will this explanation
make me a nobel nominee? no.
"
"tobias, a builder from kobe,
built houses of glass and adobe.
as a pro he was slow.
""how was i s'pposed to know
how they'd go below snow?"" bemoaned toby.
"
"it's a time both distressful and grand;
how much joy? how much pain can you stand?
for that birth time i'd heard
accouchement is the word.
(for a guy it means ""time for crushed hand."")
"
"you can tell that he's animatronic,
just a puppet with mumblings moronic.
to provoke an attack,
see the box on his back ?
press the button that's marked ""histrionic.""
"
"our affectionate bond's come unstuck,
but to prove that i'm not such a schmuck,
here's a gift for your goin':
one disc (leonard cohen),
one razor, and one rubber duck.
"
"northern africa is, one might say,
where the pale screwhorn antelope play.
they are addax by name ?
twisted horns are their fame
(and the skies are not cloudy all day).
"
"although soused, the carousing bacchantes
would oppose all of those vigilantes
who traveled to greece
and then took, piece by piece,
the statues we know as atlantes.
"
"an  affable, genial bloke
once purchased a pig in a poke.
then, no longer gracious,
he was rude and pugnacious ?
smoke poured from his ears when he spoke.
"
"so what does a coastguardsman do?
if at sea, should a problem ensue,
he will rescue and search;
no one's left in the lurch.
and our coastlines he guards for us, too.
"
"sometimes cowboy diplomacy rules;
we seem governed by war-making fools.
people vote, tweet and pray
'til one glorious day
the brash cowboys depart and earth cools.
"
"an aeronaut aesthete from nasa
treasures photos of lovely mombasa,
thinks his best space shots yet
(since he's fond of tibet)
are those he has taken of lhasa.
"
"the chathams, you students should know,
are new zealand's, and long have been so.
you'd see crayfish and birds,
unique plants, seals in herds;
we can go if your folks have the dough.
"
"the crowds listened with total respect
as he spoke with accustomed effect.
with predictable style
prompting shouts of ""sieg heil!"",
hitler claimed that his course was correct.
"
"the anophelines, not at all new,
carry pathogens tough to subdue.
in brazil, it's malaria;
on the nile, add filaria.
these mosquitoes spread viruses, too.
"
"get the book john brown's body  today
by the famed stephen vincent ben?t,
who, poetic and wise,
won a pulitzer prize?
then at age 44 passed away.
"
"? votre sant?!  bottomzup!
to your health! down the hatch! drain the cup!
try to find, as the host,
the right words for your toast:
and your own cup?  make sure it's filled up!
"
"dr. thomas hunt morgan's the man
whose discerning drosophila plan
explained just what it means
when fruit flies change genes;
thus genetic upheaval began.
"
"signor verdi, we've called you before us
to request that you write us a chorus:
massed gypsies should sing,
and to give it some zing,
add an anvil?that way it won't bore us.
"
"here in brooklyn, soft drinks are not free?
still, it beats hoity-toity chablis.
too many? no question?
i get indigestion.
drink dat vino, dyspepsy's for me.
"
"the next powerpoint chart, girls and guys:
protozoa that parasitize.
 chilomastix, no doubt,
i'll be asking about.
you'll remember that name if you're wise.
"
"you poor baby, ah diddums, my bad
for not knowing the reasons you're sad:
first the ticket for speeding,
now that cat scratch ? you're bleeding!
what a run of misfortune you've had.
"
"william beebe and wife would explore,
study pheasants, and insects, and more.
this globe-trotting pair
had so little to share
that she married the neighbor next door.
"
"canine heartworm:  dog lovers despair
when mosquitoes invade their pet's hair.
dawtie never was fitter
but, bit by a critter,
now she coughs and just sits in her chair.
"
"""name the three types of column.""   ok ?
the ionic i know right away.
then:   corinthian, doric;
i'm getting euphoric.
greek knowledge has just saved my day.
"
"i met a cute chick at a dance
down in perth.  i was thinking romance.
when i asked her, ""do you
think there's hope for us two?""
she demurred with two words: ""buckley's chance.""
"
"diane was a meteorologist
while fred was a meaty urologist.
now you'd like to know weather
these lives flowed together;
urine luck!  i'm their current psychologist.
"
"we loved once ? now she's pregnant.  i'm proud!
with beginner's luck i've been endowed.
whence comes this ability?
my reply (with humility):
it's god-given, for crying out loud.
"
"in cold denmark, the beggars aren't funny.
i was shocked when a hag called me ""honey"";
replied, ""sweets to the sweet ?
go find something to eat,""
as i handed that crone kroner (money).
"
"the bomoh, a medicine man,
was a force when religion began.
still strong in malaysia
(in southeastern asia),
he'll bless, pray and heal where he can.
"
"so now, what would you do if you knew
that a drone's programmed target was you?
would you run? would you hide?
dig a hole, crawl inside?
or just put on a cd or two?
"
"don't look down on deferred compensation:
there's a sensible justification.
though it may seem absurd,
you work now ? pay's deferred,
and  voil?! you've postponed its taxation.
"
"to  sow dragon's teeth comes from greek lore,
and alludes to attempts to stop war.
actions now, seeming wise,
can bring later surprise,
with results even worse than before.
"
"the shark has a clasper for sex.
he inserts it ? it's very complex.
the polite definition:
it assists intromission.
(i've  rated this limerick ""x"".)
"
"want a scare?  take the air: aviation.
should you fly? my reply: hesitation.
fear of flying's a curse;
indeed, nothing is worse.
my next trip? it's a pip:  ambulation.
"
"as a scot who's stone broke, you're a dyvour;
gone?your house, the mercedes and driver.
i've assisted a few
even worse off than you;
stick with me and you'll be a survivor.
"
"at a bullfight in old cartagena,
i welcomed the chance to explain a
new term to my date:
""soon the bull meets his fate,
once the fighter completes the faena.""
"
"the argali: wild asian sheep
with impressive curved horns. how they leap!
if your plan is to see 'em
outside a museum,
you'd better invest in a jeep.
"
"it's a  fad diet.  what that implies
is a short-term reduction in size.
seven days' cabbage soup
evokes much pee and poop;
then it's back to the burgers and fries.
"
"when you fail, you do not succeed
in accomplishing some given deed,
such as finding one's niche,
perhaps striking it rich,
or completing
"
"at the gallows, the killer's life's ending;
he is haughty and pompous, unbending.
as the priest murmurs grace,
the man plummets through space:
 condescending no more ? con descending.
"
"an  avatar:  god's  incarnation,
lord vishnu's personification.
to follow the dharma
will bring you good  karma?
your duty includes adoration.
"
"brad and chad, two bright carpenter lads,
sought an adze in the classified ads.
although they persisted,
there weren't any listed.
said brad, ""let's just borrow your dad's.""
"
"""define acrylyl."" that was your test?
it's organic is what i'd  have guessed?
combines c, h and o.
that's as far as i go.
your professor can tell you the rest.
"
"abreact can become cabaret:
it's an anagram, word experts say,
like  tardier/tarried,
admirer and married.
go get your pen,  young protege!
"
"a crude sign reads:  clonorchis ?  beware!!
common worm lives in fish.  guests take care.
in our splendid hotel
chef cooks all meats quite well ?
thirty million infections ? not rare!
"
"up and down go the pistons, i found,
and the crankshaft, it goes round and round.
but the cylinder block,
just as solid as  rock,
holds the pistons in place, safe and sound!
"
"curly grass is a very small fern?
it's uncommon, which causes concern.
with spiralling fronds,
it grows close to ponds;
it's slender and tufty in turn.
"
"deltoids  flex both  your shoulder and arm,
where  massaging may help keep you calm.
if you're tangled  in tussles,
these triangular muscles
will  keep at arm's length any harm.
"
"of an instrument played with a mute,
an expression to show you the route
for subduing the sound
(in italian it's found):
con sordino ? it's sounding tout cute!
"
"an imperious person, i've found,
is likely to boss me around,
in a very brusque manner
(he's not worth a tanner!) ?
for having no friends he's renowned.
"
"when you're cumbent, just what are you doing?
your energy, maybe, renewing?
you're lying down, only
you may not be lonely:
you could even be doing some wooing!
"
"to magnetize: make things  attract?
by aligning their atoms, in fact.
but to demagnetize
('tis no great surprise)
is truly the opposite act.
"
"a person in debt who won't pay it,
even though he is asked every day (it
is someone who's knowing
how much he is owing):
he's delinquent, i'm sorry to say it.
"
"currant bushes bear fruit, black or red,
or white, or just flowers instead.
they're a species of ribes
attractive to my bees,
which harvest their pollen for bread.
"
"asian dhansak is always a treat?
veg and lentils, and maybe some meat.
this curry has spices
with other devices
to make it hot, sour and sweet.
"
"were there only one film you could see,
and you asked an opinion of me,
i'd say: ""without doubt
peter sellers stands out:
dr. strangelove is my nominee.""
"
"while, everywhere, chess buffs debated
how their game skills could aptly be rated,
arpad elo's solution
(an astute contribution!)
proved the best method thus far created.
"
"we've researched these two words and we think
there's an etymological link.
bourgeois: ""trite, common, square.""
bushwa: ""hogwash, hot air.""
picture babbitt with too much to drink.
"
"max baer was a boxer (and clown)
who once held the heavyweight crown.
then-champ primo carnera
was one in that era
who took his big punch, then went down.
"
"whereas now people languish and pine?
even wither, decrease or decline,
from the archives we know
this was not always so:
in olde england, they'd commonly dwine.
"
"by coursing, the englishman meant
dogs hunting by sight?not by scent.
done by hound and by beagle,
it's now widely illegal,
but o.k. with prey's written consent.
"
"most avulsions are cause for remorse:
witness streams that abruptly change course,
or how aztec and maya
appeased their gods via
bloody gifts made with heart-wrenching force.
"
"down east,  mainly north coastal maine,
has a dialect hahd to explain.
they'll say ""pahk"", ""lahst"" and ""ayuh""
and for ""there"" you'll hear ""they-ya"";
wicked pissahs'  talk drives me insane.
"
"adult crotchetiness is a curse?
being bad-humored, boorish or worse.
such a cross disposition
deserves a physician,
or a tactical, practical nurse.
"
"alfred butts,  please accept our acclaim.
scrabble's brought you not fortune, but fame.
why's that praise so delayed?
our attention has strayed;
we've been playing your clever word game.
"
"every arch is a graceful, curved span;
some are natural ? most made by man.
they're in paris and rome,
and much closer to home,
at the stores of that hamburger man.
"
"an almond's the nut of a tree,
a storehouse of vitamin e.
seven calories in each,
and if they're within reach
you'll gobble them watching tv.
"
"here's a rule:  at the depot, refrain
from meandering outside the train.
an express might speed through
with no sound, leaving you
split in two, there, asunder, atwain.
"
"the curved turkish saber, the yataghan,
 synonymously, people call ataghan.
in the lord of the rings
orcs swing similar things.
i've viewed it;  no need to see that again.
"
"speak clearly and say what you mean.
atween means the same as between.
but a tween?as a rule?
is a child, now in school,
on the way to be coming a teen.
"
"class,  aasvogel's the word of the day.
it's a vulture that thrives on decay.
now a little used word
for a carrion bird ?
a keen-eyed, six-foot-wide bird of prey.
"
"the doukhobors (old russian sect)
were hounded and forced to defect.
canucks now by choice,
these christians rejoice
in freedom, in peace, in respect.
"
"we've completed the jet engine test,
and the athodyd (ramjet) proved best
from mach 3 to mach 6?
with no problems to fix!
its simplicity beat out the rest.
"
"an agnostic (with judgment suspended)
shared his views with some jews he'd befriended.
he listened, they taught,
and refreshments were brought;
all agreed that the bagels were splendid.
"
"avaricious,  the landlord from trent
was scrooge-like collecting his rent.
he dismissed his advisor,
then this covetous miser,
un-scrooge-like, refused to repent.
"
"this limrick isnt so good
though i did just so good as i could
in fact its so  bad
that im feeling so sad
maybe im not so in the mood
"
"a dibber makes holes in the ground,
a most useful tool, i have found.
also known as a dibble,
of that i won't quibble.
from those holes seeded growth will abound.
"
"a dabchick's a very nice bird,
with the silliest call that i've heard.
it's a whinnying sound
where no horses are found,
which i think is extremely absurd.
"
"if you call it a dit it's a dot (?),
a fact which must not be forgot.
and  a dash (?) equals dah ?
have you got it so far?
it's  morse code and i used it a lot.
"
"i'd have never guessed that about you;
there was never so much as a clue,
but i know now, of course.
you're what's called  a dark horse?
it just hit me right out of the blue.
"
"it's a cask holding water or wine,
or maybe a tree trunk?a pine?
where you aim with a gun,
or the victim of fun,
or it could be your bottom, or mine.
"
"ailurophobia means ""fearing  cats"":
could be lions, or tigers?not bats.
it may be a persian,
or some other version
of  creatures they say sat on mats.
"
"""a large bird whose morals are loose""
is a way to define chinese goose.
she interbreeds freely
with greylags?yes really!
she needs just the slightest excuse.
"
"a repetitive bird is the chiffchaff,
a bird that can only say ""chiffchaff"".
it's a drab-coloured bird,
and it seems quite absurd
it knows no other word except chiffchaff.
"
"it has flowers of purple or white;
from large green hairy leaves juices might
be used as a lotion,
or just as a potion.
use comfrey. you'll soon  feel all right.
"
"when your lovemaking's come to a halt,
find a way to convey who's at fault.
""mea culpa.  blame's mine.
my mistake:  too much wine,
then confusing saltpeter with salt.""
"
"my doctor looked grim as she spoke:
""you're obese, out of shape, and you smoke.
the result of all these ?
coronary disease.
change your lifestyle, or die.  it's no joke.""
"
"your late peke was an underachiever;
now you're seeking a large eager beaver.
the dog you should get ?
one you'll never regret ?
is a big, curly-coated retriever.
"
"most oenophiles readily grant ya
south africa's pearl is constantia.
now modern production
renews its seduction;
dessert, they assert, will enchant ya.
"
"double bonds mean, to some, conjoined spies
and to others, one wife with two guys.
no one need get polemical:
the context is chemical ?
they're electrons with covalent ties.
"
"in the news, the rare leopard: amur.
its continued survival's not sure.
there used to be plenty,
and now? perhaps twenty.
note to self:  place for cats ? must procure.
"
"once, leprosy treatment would be
oil squeezed from the seeds of a tree.
we can all now rejoice:
the new treatment of choice
is much better, all doctors agree.
"
"when aconite works, it will thrill you.
pain will stop. next,  your doctor will bill you.
though these alkaloid pills
may well banish your ills,
if you overindulge, they can kill you.
"
"dear,  absinthe's one liquor i ponder.
one glass and my mind tends to wander.
with it, users have noted
they feel more devoted.
come! absinthe has made my heart fonder.
"
"autogiros,  an odd type of plane,
function best when there's no wind or rain.
funny rotary wings
provide lift for these things,
which is great.  still, i'm taking the train.
"
"one across starts (i think) with a ""c"",
therefore so  must one down, to agree.
cruciverbalist (down),
i'm quite sure, is a noun
meaning ""one who does crosswords""?like me.
"
"an american indian farmer
grew pumpkins in old alabama.
he hunted and fished,
and cast spells if he wished,
as a choctaw, a positive charmer.
"
"dear, i think you are ever so kind.
i am sure  that my sweetie won't mind
doing something for me
since she's  nice as can be.
(such cajolery's handy i find.)
"
"submerged in hot fat, or deep-fried,
is the way to cook doughnuts; i've tried.
make just one, two or three,
then a few more for me.
is it bad for your health? you decide.
"
"its  numbers run  twelve down to nought;
at least, that's the range i've been taught.
if your boat's under sail
and the beaufort wind scale
reading's high, then get back into port.
"
"one makes beer  using malt, hops and yeast,
while in ale using hops has long ceased.
they're both alcoholic
and may make you frolic?
and help you to wash down your feast.
"
"it's an alcove, small booth, or a stall
in a bedroom or down at the mall.
it's used for undressing?
i won't leave you guessing:
it's a cubicle, used by us all.
"
"when an engine has run long enough,
and it's starting to sound really rough,
you need to decoke?
it's really no joke?
to remove all the carbon; that's tough.
"
"dementia's a sad state of mind,
a condition that's very unkind.
you often forget
all the people you've met,
and your family and friends left behind.
"
"persons who study dendrology
are students of trees in biology.
and the true age of things,
found by counting their rings,
is computed by  dendrochronology.
"
"if you maybe have too much to drink
on many occasions, i think
that you may get dts,
such a nasty disease?
makes your nerves seem to go on the blink.
"
"a small group of people, a clique,
don't go out of their circle to seek
the friendship of others,
not even their brothers.
they're very close-knit, so to speak.
"
"the price that i pay for my beer
is really not terribly dear.
in fact it's dirt cheap?
makes the bartender weep.
he makes little profit, i hear!
"
"a convent's where women may dwell
in a single bare room, called a cell.
after working all day
they, most probably, pray
that they'll go on to heaven, not hell.
"
"i'm so thirsty, i'm out of my mind,
but  the church key  i just cannot find.
all those beers are in sight,
but then try as i might
i can't open one can?what a bind!
"
"conflagrations are hard to put out.
of that there's no shadow of doubt.
but the brave fire crew
know just what they should do.
that's what service is mainly about.
"
"you don't want to meet one at night;
it will give you a terrible fright.
it lives in a lake,
and there it will take
all its victims to eat?in one bite?
"
"on the derby i won lots of money,
so i bought a nice gift for my honey.
in a race for young horses,
on the finest of courses,
it's a lovely day out when it's sunny.
"
"it's quite a rare bird is the chough.
worms and beetles it eats, and that's tough.
has a red beak and legs,
and will lay all its eggs
on a cliff. (now you know quite  enough.)
"
"the dipper is dark brown and white.
he skims over the river in flight.
he dips in a  dive,
catching insects alive.
he is truly a wonderful sight.
"
"the fed sets the dread discount rate.
who must pay?  member banks ? no debate.
that rate changes with time;
it can dip, it can climb.
that %? now < .8.
"
"for the cyclotron's smashing creator,
the reward would not likely be greater.
for this great physics tool,
his close friends told him ""you'll
get nobel acclaim sooner or later.""
"
"this long parasite should make you squirm:
it's a diphyllobothrium worm.
that fish dish you thought cool?
make a wish ? check your stool.
you know how.  do it now, not next term.
"
"forrest gump, soda pop devotee,
ascertained, to jack kennedy's glee:
dr pepper, when chilled
and then rapidly swilled,
will soon bring on the need to go pee.
"
"""though my date seemed quite healthy to me,
i'm dysuric?it's painful to pee.""
doctor listened, took note?
i could see what she wrote:
uti, i suspect std.
"
"it's been nice, but so long.  toodle-oo.
au revoir.  fare thee well.  good day, too.
""adieu"" so want to try
to find words for goodbye.
oh. auf wiedersehen. yes, i love you.
"
"afrikaners, south african dutch,
had long favored apartheid and such.
i know all that is gone
and life somehow goes on.
has that helped? i've been long out of touch.
"
"in that fabulous tortoise/hare race?
which the tortoise completes in first place?
flighty hare loses out
through not thinking about
his foe's slow and deliberate pace.
"
"while your outfit, my love, was all shimmering,
my primal intentions were simmering;
but then, drunk and too loud,
in the crush of the crowd,
yeah, i blew it.  it ail went aglimmering.
"
"as a crosstrainer ? skiing and biking,
i found neither sport much to my liking.
ski-lift queues i'd refuse,
racing saddles? bad news.
i'm much happier swimming and hiking.
"
"an alembic is used to distil
many liquids, by heating, until
they turn into steam,
after which, it would seem,
when condensed their debasement is nil.
"
"anno domini's known as ad,
""the year of our lord"", don't you see?
so the year i was born
on a cold frosty morn
might just be called anno jg.
"
"there was a young lass from caerphilly,
whose thoughts were decidedly silly.
she was well out of wit, see;
you may say she was ditsy
and a scatterbrained blonde silly billy.
"
"cockneys call her their 'trouble and strife'.
i have known mine for most of my life.
she is my better half
(now there's no need to laugh!);
she's my bosom pal, lover, my wife.
"
"in a reverie, daydream or trance,
i'm thinking some thoughts of romance.
it's just a brown study
about my best buddy?
i probably don't stand a chance.
"
"a companion set sits by the fire.
it has all of the things you require?
dustpan, brush and a poker,
and some tongs for the stoker
so the flames go up higher and higher.
"
"i 'ope that you h'all will agree,
h'aitch should start with a h'aitch, seems to me.
you should know 'ow to use h'it?
don't h'ever  abuse h'it
h'and put h'it w'ere h'it shouldn't be!
"
"in the days before toilets it's said
they used chamberpots (really!)  instead.
one is called a gazunder:
for sure it's no wonder,
because it goes under the bed.
"
"the aim of the game is to slide
your  stones in an elegant glide
to the 'house' down the ice,
sent by aim most precise.
this is curling (two teams, four each side).
"
"in the days of pounds, shillings and pence,
it seemed to make so little sense
that the d stood for p...
as in pence, you can see.
could they really back then be that dense?
"
"how do  auxotrophs  ever survive?
are there settings in which they can thrive?
when factors they've made
have started to fade,
the wonder is: they're still alive!
"
"the next word is anthraquinone,
a dye obtained from the cologne,
and used as a purge
for those without urge.
these facts i had just never known.
"
"did you know there are two things named aureus?
staphylococcus, the germ. quite notorious.
and a gold coin from rome
(if you have one at home,
you are probably feeling, like, glorious).
"
"apollo, the greek god of beauty,
is considered by women a cutie;
a keeper of flocks
and dispenser of pox:
yes, chores such as these were his duty.
"
"why are there?i've pondered the reason?
different names for the very same season?
you'd think i'd remember,
come end of september,
 fall and autumn are equally pleasin'.
"
"archaeopteryx: primitive, spry,
ancient beast with a reptile/bird tie,
like a bird, with such things
as fine feathers and wings.
even now, we don't know: did it fly?
"
"the word alb means a vestment with sleeves
whose wearing, the clergy believes,
lends a certain conviction:
it aids benediction
to penitents, beggars, and thieves.
"
"alfalfa's a crop, you'll soon learn,
that is also well known as lucerne,
used widely as forage;
one problem is storage.
that covers it. lettuce adjourn.
"
"alameda: a walkway with trees.
it's where folks in the town shoot the breeze,
where mothers can stroll
while their offspring cajole,
and where teens are transmitting disease.
"
"in an automat (self-serve caf?),
much cuisine can be seen on display.
make your choice, then guess what?
drop your coin down the slot.
there's your chow!  eat it now! on your way!
"
"my daughter has quite a nice dimple
on the opposite side to her pimple.
(it's a hollow that's in
your cheek when you grin.)
it goes really well with her wimple!
"
"the sailors of old often tried
simply turning their ship on its side,
for the purpose of cleaning
(it's known as careening).
once finished, they'd wait for the  tide.
"
"though it won't  put your brain on the blink,
adam's ale is a really nice drink.
but i'd like you to know
that it's just h2o,
which you'd find in your toilet or sink.
"
"old acquaintance should not be forgot,
especially if you are a scot.
auld lang syne, you may know,
stands for ""times long ago""
whether sung by a scotsman or not.
"
"britannia metal is tin,
with a mixture of copper within.
it also has lead
(sometimes zinc's used instead),
and antimony too is thrown in.
"
"you may think that a bowler's a hat,
but in cricket it's nothing like that.
it's a man whose main aim
is to finish the game
by dismissing the man with the bat.
"
"the black-throated bunting in flight
is really a beautiful sight.
it's a finch, the dickcissel,
with a musical whistle,
and a breast that is yellow and bright.
"
"a gambling game played by  jews
has a four-sided top you must use.
yiddish kids in the cradle
start spinning the dreidel.
if you spin and get shin you will lose.
"
"they are normally found up your nose,
quite a natural thing, i suppose.
we brits like to pick 'em,
and secretly flick 'em
and stick 'em to all of our foes.
"
"my daughter does not like her dimple,
though it's not quite as bad as her pimple.
so she grew a black beard?
wiry whiskers looked weird?
hiding dimple and pimple was simple!
"
"i once had a girlfriend called brenda,
who was keen to go out on a bender.
so we went on the booze?
i just couldn't refuse,
we got drunk?didn't want to offend 'er!
"
"they were noisy and overexcited,
unruly and really delighted.
'twas a right brouhaha,
but they went much too far?
and, what's more, they weren't even invited!
"
"a dowset is one kind of flute,
and a custard to pour on your fruit,
and the balls of a deer?
i know it sounds queer,
but you'll find it quite hard to refute!
"
"known as richard (just that) at the start,
he became coeur de lion?lionheart.
for it was in the third
crusade i have heard,
that he played quite a valiant part.
"
"the male of the duck is a drake.
it is also a stone that you make
to skip along water?
at least, so it oughta?
when you're skimming it over a lake.
"
"if you're truly good-natured and kind,
and you have a compassionate mind,
you can't be malevolent;
you must be benevolent,
for you can't leave your morals behind.
"
"dozens of words mean ""a look"".
each one featuring here, in my book.
keep looking you'll see and...
know much more than me and...
observe in each cranny and nook.
"
"you may have been looking for hours
for somewhere to put your cut flowers.
 but a boughpot will do?
or you just might  want two
of these vases to brighten your bowers.
"
"a dirndl's a full and wide skirt,
with a waistband so tight it might hurt.
in the style of a peasant,
it appears very pleasant.
it makes a young maiden look  pert.
"
"alphabetti spaghetti is fine,
at least for your children and mine.
they can spell out their names,
and can play other games,
thus learning to read whilst they dine.
"
"if it touches the ground, it counts four.
if it doesn't, it counts for two more.
hit the ball out of play,
past the boundary, i'd say
that in cricket, that's two ways to score.
"
"to bishop is not very bright.
it is not recommended, not right.
if you let your milk burn,
i am sure you will learn
that your milk will no longer be white.
"
"they all say it was not harry's day.
(he was out, caught and bowled, by the way.)
hit the ball and was caught
by the bowler?for nought!
so the fielders all shouted, ""hurray!""
"
"my garters are made of elastic.
they do very well, they're fantastic!
for a stretchable tape
that recovers its shape
is far more effective than plastic.
"
"i swam in a bath full of cream,
and that's when i started to scream.
for there in the dark,
i encountered a shark...
i awoke?it was only a dream!
"
"this enamelled or tin cooking pot
may be used by the campfire  a lot.
it is known as a billy.
can be used willy-nilly?
and the lid keeps your tea piping hot.
"
"if a part of your body's outsize,
and you don't even have matching thighs,
and your nose? like a snout.
i'm afraid there's no doubt,
you're dysmorphic?it's clear you're no prize.
"
"to swim in the sea, if you're keen,
a wonderful sight may be seen.
it's a flag, coloured blue,
which, from your point of view,
means the beach has been deemed safe and  clean.
"
"a bye is a run scored in cricket,
when the ball passes right by the wicket
without being struck
by the batsman?what luck!
that's assuming the bat didn't snick it.
"
"a large cask for water or beer;
your bottom, your backside, your rear.
butt can also define
a container for wine,
or to strike with the head, like a deer.
"
"a person who works using crewel
does stitching quite well as a rule.
her embroidery's  good,
using yarn, as she should.
and at tapestry she is no fool.
"
"it's  champagne or a sparkling wine
mixed with orange juice?simply divine.
as a cocktail for who?
 a nice buck's fizz will do
as a drink for bucks fizz   when they dine.
"
"to a cockney they're called ""plates of meat"";
to anyone else they are feet.
and they wear ""daisy roots""?
that's to you and me ""boots"".
it's a londoners cant, very neat.
"
"we'll now have a wee doch-an-doris;
perhaps that is just the thing for us.
it's a ""drink at the door""
(or perchance three or four)?
then they'll find it quite hard to ignore us!
"
"a draught is a current of air
in a room, and it shouldn't be there.
in the states it's spelt draft
(and that rhymes with waft,
which also means draught, i'm aware).
"
"a curling broom used on the ice
is really a useful device
for a process called sooping;
it helps with the grouping
of  stones, and it must be precise.
"
"all the time that it's got lots of puff,
any steam engine goes ""chuff-chuff-chuff"".
but an i.c.e. goes
more like ""chug"", i suppose.
they sound something like that?near enough!
"
"a dominie's job is to preach.
a dominie's job is to teach.
a united states pastor?
a scottish schoolmaster?
they are dominies both, one of each.
"
"? could sound like an 'a', as in cat,
and in hat, and in bat, and in rat.
it's an old english rune,
and you'll find out quite soon
that it's ?sc, pronounced 'ash', fancy that!
"
"chevalier,  from the  french for a horse,
is a word that you know, but of course.
he is really a knight:
and a french one, that's right!
his deeds are all   true tours de force.
"
"they are mushrooms that grow under trees,
could be oak, beech or pine  ? one of these.
for someone who eats
gastronomical treats,
ceps go down very nicely with cheese.
"
"panurus biarmicus: it
is the latin for one kind of tit.
decidedly weird?
it's blessed with a beard?
called a bearded tit by a brit.
"
"according to this little book,
double-dutch is  all gobbledegook.
it's claptrap and bosh,
twaddle, garbage and tosh;
it's piffle, it's tripe! take a look.
"
"a yak and a common horned cow
in the past got together somehow.
you might like to know
the result was a dzho.
if you didn't before, you do now!
"
"you can't do a lim in blank verse.
if you tried you would soon have to curse.
for example, this does
not appear at all right?
it really could not be much worse.
"
"the burbot, a mottled green fish,
when cooked is a very nice dish.
it's a freshwater cod,
which is really quite odd.
lota lota it's called, if you wish.
"
"you are off on a trip to bhutan.
to be well understood, if you can,
you will need to learn dzongkha?
it's  easy to conquer.
and then you can talk man to man.
"
"a steady old horse is a dobbin.
you  very well might see it bobbin'
up and down on a farm
with a child up?no harm.
its name is just one form of robin.
"
"at stonehenge, in its grassy surround,
there are fifty-six holes in the ground.
were the strange aubrey holes
used for counting, or poles?
no one knows; many theories abound.
"
"britpop was evolved to react
to american music?a fact.
that damn yank stuff was grunge,
which they tried to expunge
because of the talent it lacked.
"
"great mullein, and goldenrod too,
have flowering stems tall and true.
they are called aaron's rod
(aaron trusted  in god)
by gardeners like me and like you.
"
"on the comma's a white 'comma' mark,
but this butterfly's really quite dark
and has wings orange-brown.
you might  find it 'round town
if you look up and down in the park.
"
"a cupid's bow really looks sweet
on a woman's top lip, very neat.
it's a soft double curve,
and i'm sure you'll observe
that to kiss one can be quite a treat.
"
"in scotland they called it an ell?
had the same name in england as well.
the scots one was shorter
by almost a quarter.
'twas a measure of cloth, i can tell.
"
"i know i've put on lots of weight.
wouldn't mind, but there's one thing i hate:
it's a double chin?ouch,
it looks just like a pouch!
i'll start slimming, it's never too late.
"
"i'm a virgin, it has to be said,
and she's trying to get me to bed.
i'm still chaste, though i'm chased,
but it has to be faced
that she might find me easily led.
"
"my locks are all wavy and curly.
i hate them?they make me look girly.
i'm cymotrichous, yes,
and my hair is a mess?
which is why it gets cut ten times yearly!
"
"tell me, what stops a shoelace from fraying?
it's essential, it goes without saying.
with one at each end, it
means no need to mend it:
the aglet will stop it decaying.
"
"punctuation marks (,) showing a pause,
very often will follow a clause,
or things on a list?
is there something i've missed?
commas follow their own set of laws.
"
"maybe harry should find a new sport.
once again he was out (but not caught).
he was clean bowled, now that
means the ball missed  his bat?
knocked the bails off the stumps which it sought.
"
"those pesky game moles drive me mad.
i clobber their heads?ain't that sad?
this whacking obsession
lets out my aggression.
but they're plastic?i don't feel so bad.
"
"our planet is warming too fast.
so now eminent scientists cast
multitudinous evils
from climatic upheavals?
we'll all end up dead: greenhouse gassed.
"
"my dear wife got a courtesy card.
(the shop held her in such high regard.)
but the rights it confers
are exclusively hers,
as i found when i used it! i'm barred.
"
"she was tipped as a miss world contender,
well poised for the glamour and splendour.
for beauty renowned,
until it was found
(s)he was male! who am i to defend her?
"
"if god owned a bar it would be
in the city of cork by the lee.
there, uncorking each bottle,
an angel called pottle
would pour all the best drinks for free.
"
"if that foul stuff is oleophilic,
and (like garlic) smells somewhat acrylic,
you can then safely bet
that your nose is beset
by an odour best called cacodylic.
"
"he claimed that he used no coercion,
but the judge soon dismissed this assertion.
""the facts are quite clear:
you forced the old dear
to succumb to your quirky perversion.""
"
"the chick-pea's  my favourite bean,
used in many an ethnic cuisine:
in  a salad or stew
and felafel meals too.
try hummus, to see what i mean.
"
"said the claw hammer, taunting nail gun,
""two heads are much better than one.
with my flat end or claw,
i can drive or withdraw
any nail to be done or undone.""
"
"i wanted to train as a cowman,
so i went to a ranch to learn how, man.
we rounded up steers,
and then drank many beers.
i'm a saddle-sore cowpoke just now, man!
"
"i crept into the crypt and crept out
when the vicar announced with a shout,
""your intrusions must halt.
keep away from my vault,
or i'll give you an almighty clout!""
"
"one two three, four five six, sev'n eight nine,
then we come to the end of the line.
and from ten we must count
a much larger amount
to tally the gadarene swine.
"
"dutch metal, dutch leaf and dutch gold
are exactly the same, so i'm told.
they're an alloy of zinc
and of copper.  i think
they're a glittery  joy to behold.
"
"on arriving you may well say ""hi.""
when you leave, it's more likely ""bye-bye.""
which means ""au revoir,""
or maybe ""ta-ra,
now i really must go, time to fly.""
"
"i suppose you could say i contemn
all those blackguards and rogues just like them.
i despise 'em, it's true,
and from my point of view
their behaviour i have to condemn.
"
"poor harry was out for a duck,
and he put it down to bad luck!
but in fact he was caught
when his score was still nought?
that's what it said in the book.
"
"they use dubbin for softening leather.
it protects it from all kinds of weather.
it keeps out the water
(at least so it oughta)
on trips through the soggy wet heather.
"
"asparagus makes your wee smell?
or so many people will tell.
it once was a  lily,
and it grows willy-nilly.
young shoots are delicious as well.
"
"the aim of the bowler in cricket
is to knock off the bails on the wicket.
then the batsman is out,
and of that there's no doubt.
for the fielding side, that's just the ticket.
"
"there it was, my obit, on page five.
yet i know i'm not dead?i'm alive!
i must really advise
it was not my demise,
but of someone who didn't survive.
"
"an economist, let's call him greg,
was explaining adjustable peg:
""'twas a currency scheme,
an exchange rate regime;
it was not a mechanical leg.""
"
"a property broker named herschel
sold buildings for usance commercial.
firms paid very well
for a good place to dwell,
and his rates were not deemed controversial.
"
"basis pricing is used to portray
most quotes in bond markets today.
for fixed-income securities,
the yield to maturity's
the factor investors most weigh.
"
"for my test of electric resistance,
i needed my brother's assistance;
despite his reluctance,
i checked his conductance;
his susceptance was clear, from a distance.
"
"some active participants may
offset income taxes if they
own at least ten percent
and don't just take the rent
of their real estate rental play.
"
"they asked me to write a blockbuster
with the widest appeal i could muster.
but my muse was on strike
so i said, ""take a hike,""
to my publishers, lacken 'n' luster.
"
"the calaba's an evergreen tree;
in the tropics its value is key.
for it grows in most soil
and yields wood, food and oil.
a versatile tree, you'll agree?
"
"if i told you in confidence, would
you keep it a secret? you should:
if this story goes round
it will surely rebound
upon you?is my point understood?
"
"the dry spell, prolonged and extreme,
imperilled the shaman's esteem,
so he danced in a trance
on the chance he'd enhance
the small base flow sustaining his stream.
"
"he staggers home drunk, what a mess!
how he gets there is anyone's guess.
as he wobbles and coggles,
the mind simply boggles:
does he have an innate gps?
"
"their first landing, the jet engine cowling
flew up and they started a-howling.
when they learned their mistake?
it just acts as a brake?
they fell silent, abashed, and sat scowling.
"
"an additional hedge, i'm afraid,
is a mortgage protectional aid.
it will never bear fruit,
has no leaf, bud or root,
and you won't get to sit in its shade.
"
"good courseware is nowadays seen
on nigh any computer-based screen.
you can learn with less stress,
any place or pace ? yes;
all you need is the will, plus routine.
"
"agricultural terms can be cut,
to the shorter form agri-blank, but,
take good care to make sure
you don't land in manure,
if your agri- term sounds more like smut.
"
"my wee puppy, she cowered in fear
when the horny dalmatian drew near.
her sad desperate yelp
was a cry for some help:
""i don't want that thing in my... ear.""
"
"as children, we trained all the time
to be mud-wrestling champs in our prime.
we'd clart one another
with muck 'til we'd smother,
and were known as the 'partners-in-grime'.
"
"the new implant has gone on the blink?
wired my cochlea wrongly, i think.
i 'hear' sound as a smell
which is all very well,
but some of those noises sure stink.
"
"thought a snake, lying cosy and coiled:
""thisss charming performanccce is foiled.
i'll not be unwound
by that beckoning sssound.
ceassse your fluting, or elssse i'll get roiled.""
"
"the candidate, polling behind,
a new policy quickly defined.
""i pledge that no way
will prejudice sway,
if i win; 'cos i'll act color-blind.""
"
"i'm a cock-of-the-rock from peru,
known best by my orange red hue.
my distinctive fanned crest
helps me lek with the best,
as we court a young female or two.
"
"the grass is so green and so bright,
it is truly a beautiful sight.
the emerald isle
makes you just want to smile,
keeps you happy by day and by night.
"
"it's a card game for two, three or four,
using thirty-two cards, never more.
it's  euchre by name,
a competitive game.
you need three, four or five tricks to score.
"
"a bigwig's a person of fame.
it is said of a man, not a dame.
a huge, powdered wig,
a magnificent rig,
shows his spot at the top of the game.
"
"a brimstone is large, bright and yellow.
assuming, that is, he's a fellow.
the female's a green
sort of white when she's seen.
all their colours are pleasingly mellow.
"
"soughing sounds of a fairly light breeze
include rustling of leaves in the trees.
it's a wind that is mild,
and quite gentle, not wild,
creating  small waves on the seas.
"
"there is truly an old scottish laddie
who's spent his whole life as a caddie.
he is just ninety-nine,
and his caddying's fine?
but he isn't as good as his daddy!
"
"with dysphemia, when trying to utter,
it's quite certain you'll stammer and splutter,
and  falter and pause.
and it also will cause
a r-really embarrassing stutter.
"
"a destrier is a very big horse,
used by knights, when in battle of course.
it is rated a charger,
but  stronger and larger
than others?a true tour de force.
"
"go bye-byes means sleep to my child,
calms him down, makes him  meek, makes him  mild.
i'll try not to shake him,
or otherwise wake him
too quickly?or else he'll go wild.
"
"it's not easy to find a good guide,
with knowledge extensive and wide
of things in the zoo,
and antiquities too.
cicerones know lots more beside.
"
"benefiter's a word i don't use,
as its opposite terms can confuse.
an enigma, semantic,
it drives me quite frantic:
am i giving? receiving? you choose!
"
"saw a sign: ""try our chop-suey greens.""
had to check to find out the term means:
aromatic and tender
small green leaves that lend a
great flavour to asian cuisines.
"
"a cranky recluse, ebenezer,
was anything but a crowd pleaser.
when kids would poke fun,
he'd growl, ""humbug! now run.""
he was sad, just a cankered old geezer.
"
"chinese walls are found most in relation
to conflict-of-interest creation.
they're rules so designed
to provide peace of mind
with regard to inside information.
"
"remember! before you respond
to an ad for a callable bond,
as soon as rates seem
set to fall, they'll redeem
it ? so check the call terms; don't be conned.
"
"an accepting bank? people may say
that sounds oxymoronic, but hey!
the time drafts they write
are a regular sight
in commerce and trade every day.
"
"they censured my work of compilement,
accused me of heinous defilement.
i'd to make an apology
for creating an anthology
meant as a simple beguilement.
"
"compaternity's how i'm related
to my godchildrens parents. they're fated
to have me appear
on the days they hold dear;
though my role is quite often debated.
"
"the merchants' and mailmen's motif
has a symbol to cause disbelief:
a caducean staff?
how hermes might laugh?
for it's also the sign for a thief.
"
"like pavlov, i taught my dog tricks?
he does back flips and roll-over tricks.
i induced these neat feats
by connecting his treats
to the sound of my clicker's quick clicks.
"
"the fielder made quite a good snatch.
it was ruled a legitimate catch.
to be caught bat and pad,
now that really was bad!
and for harry it ended the match!
"
"this omnibus type has  two floors,
and quite often has two or more doors.
it is known as a double-
(two) decker?no trouble.
 it's handy for going on tours.
"
"it's wonderful stuff, cotton waste,
for cleaning machines (not in haste).
it soaks up the oil
without too much toil,
but its downside has got to be faced.
"
"a word meaning   ""burst into flame""
is deflagrate (quite a good name).
with a great deal of smoke,
it is really no joke.
(and conflagrate means just the same.)
"
"he took it at quarter-past-three,
then was really in need of a wee.
by twenty-past-four
he could stand it no more?
a diuretic compelled him to pee.
"
"favrile glass is indeed iridescent.
very often it's truly rubescent.
it's a glass which is stained
with the colours ingrained.
it also can be opalescent.
"
"a grandee who possessed a fazenda
decided to go on a bender.
so he left his large farm
in brazil?what's the harm?
on return he was feeling quite tender!
"
"a cassone's a very large chest
that's used mainly for keeping at best
a trousseau for a bride,
where it safely will bide
till she's wed, when it heads to the nest.
"
"where's the crow's nest? it's not up a tree;
it's as high on the mast as can be,
where a man will look out
and no doubt   give a shout
when he sees there is land out at sea.
"
"king henry the eighth, the fd,
fidei defensor was he;
conferred by the pope,
was the title, with hope
that he wouldn't become c of e.
"
"a doorstep's a thick slice of bread,
which is lovely with anchovy spread.
you can dip it in  stew?
that is quite tasty too.
you can try it with jam on instead!
"
"i know that i'm not very tall.
in fact i'm excessively small.
the proportions are right,
but i haven't the height.
i'm a dwarf, and that just says it all!
"
"a yorkshire man cried, ""ee bah gum!""
when showing surprise to his chum,
who had said without warning
that only that morning
he'd gone out and married his mum!
"
"a dratchell is not nice to know.
it's a word that was used long ago
as a name for a slut,
and it's anything but
a polite word to use for a ho.
"
"there can never be anyone flusher
than plutocrats living in russia.
they may have two houses
(as well as two spouses?)
and the datcha is probably plusher.
"
"if you're homeless, in need of a bed,
and you don't want to sleep out instead,
a good dosshouse you'll find,
and if they are kind,
the owners might  give you some bread.
"
"""you're too cheeky by far,"" i was told.
""you are really too forward, too bold.""
""i'm impertinent, true,
and quite insolent too?
all in all, quite a scourge to behold.""
"
"if you looked in a bradshaw, you'd know
just what time that your train ought to go
to your next  destination.
that's good information
when riding by rail to and fro.
"
"if you corpse as an actor, you may
forget what you're on stage to say.
you laugh from hysteria,
which makes you inferior,
and totally ruins the play.
"
"a cricket bat's used to play cricket,
to keep the ball out from the wicket,
to score many runs,
including some tons?
(which is one hundred runs)?just the ticket!
"
"account debtors are customers who
owe you money. if they try to screw
you ? not paying when due ?
you should threaten to sue.
it's a choice of pursue or accrue.
"
"she'd worked hard for promotion, our sue;
she was getting impatient and blue.
but then one day she jumped up,
cried, ""hey! i've been bumped up?
here's my key to the manager's loo.""
"
"come away with me, dear, with dispatch.
for the last time, close over the latch.
since the roof came away
in the storm, we can't stay;
we will build a new dwelling from scratch.
"
"all my geek friends think they're esoterics,
'cos they study tv atmospherics.
the meaning those boys
get from buzzy white noise
makes me roll round the floor in hysterics.
"
"a ruckle or crease or a twist
involve turnings of sorts, get my gist?
as do crumple and kinkle
and rumple and wrinkle.
can you rustle more crinkles to list?
"
"there is currency risk in near any
external transaction. this, many
a firm or investor
can sadly attest, for
it's cost them a real pretty penny.
"
"day laborers, when they are able,
do casual work ? it's not stable.
they work by the day,
and often their pay
is quite low and paid under the table.
"
"in winter, whenever i could,
i kindled my stove. it felt good.
i used natural fuel
and began, as a rule,
with some culpons: small segments of wood.
"
"cutaneous senses in skin
make one flinch at the prick of a pin,
or react to an itch,
or anything which
causes pressure without or within.
"
"form 10-k is an annual sort
of compulsory business report.
u.s. law clearly states
you must file by key dates,
else you're likely to end up in court.
"
"they say my condition is bleak.
all my cognitive powers are weak.
the crash numbed my brain;
i'm distorted with pain.
i'm a mangled contortion, a freak.
"
"there was a young lady from ola,
addicted to soft drinks like cola.
too high on caffeine,
she decamped to get clean;
she's detoxing in deepest angola.
"
"we're assigned a covert operation.
in secret, we serve our great nation.
if plans go awry,
we're expected to lie
to protect our big chief's reputation.
"
"'complimentary leisure facilities'.
this freebie had great possibilities.
but from service to showers,
'twas like fawlty towers:
only go if you want to feel ill-at-ease.
"
"rather coyly, he asked her to dinner,
thinking, slyly, ""i'm onto a winner.""
she said, ""no, and here's why?
you can stop acting shy?
around here, you're well-known as a sinner.""
"
"i know i'm a little bit dumpy,
and sometimes may look a bit frumpy.
i'm ungainly and big,
some say, ""just like a pig,""
while others jeer, ""look, there goes clumpy.""
"
"in china there's many a chan.
it's the name of a popular clan.
when there's nothing to do,
some will practise kung fu
to kick ass like that jackie man can.
"
"our policeman was called pc plod,
and i thought him a bit of a clod.
but the real fool was me,
'cos in secrecy, he
was a part of the yard's 'flying squad'.
"
"i knelt down, to my father confessor,
in the clothes of my girlfriend. (god bless her!)
i confessed i had strayed,
and for penance i prayed
that he'd pardon this sinful cross-dresser.
"
"when dick called in sick, sounding grim,
his boss had this message for him:
""that's a cock-and-bull story,
a real jackanory.
no more tall tales or lies, i'm not dim!""
"
"i hope wifey won't mind if i mention
how she deals with my  sexual tension.
she rolls out her old trick
of pretending she's sick:
a device to distract my attention.
"
"see a bishop preparing to pray:
his crosier will be on display.
it's a symbol of status,
a hooked apparatus,
to shepherd his flock if they stray.
"
"when you act on an impulse beware,
for the outcomes are often unfair.
first impressions mean naught,
so the facts should be sought.
if you jump to conclusions you'll err.
"
"i submitted the piece i'd created
and was shocked when i saw it was slated.
the critics were cruel:
""the work of a fool"".
my poor ego was badly deflated.
"
"i hope you don't mind me here blabbing
that my wife is hard-hearted and grabbing;
but it's worse that the bitch
is a moany old witch?
she keeps nagging and never stops crabbing.
"
"how i long for a dbms
that will sort out my database mess.
with my data related
and promptly updated,
i'll query away with success.
"
"which river through ten countries flows,
inspiring a waltz as it goes,
from its black forest source
to the black sea? of course!
it's the danube, as everyone knows!
"
"i wonder, can justice be sensible
when lawyers are so reprehensible?
they'll pull wool over eyes,
even justify lies,
just to make their position defensible.
"
"call protection, i think i should mention,
is a standard bond contract convention.
investors should pause
to check for this clause,
for it cushions 'gainst early redemption.
"
"""delay the proceedings,"" they said.
""we are not sure old fred is quite dead.
the interment's on hold,
for the body's not cold?
resurrection seems likely instead.""
"
"off somalia, pirates await
to bear down upon boats full of freight.
they can quickly outstrip
any unwary ship,
for which ransom's the usual fate.
"
"when she's drunk, at the annual beano,
the wife of the boss plays clarino.
her trumpeting din
does all our heads in,
but we drown out the pain with free vino.
"
"to establish book value you go
to a bookstore? that's not really so.
this measure of worth
can be hard to unearth,
but a balance sheet's where it will show.
"
"a day boarder explained his good luck:
""i just stay for the teaching and tuck.
then i get home each day
and most gratefully pray
'cause i don't have to sleep with some buck.""
"
"the lap dancer slowly undressed;
my face was soon deep in her chest.
""bathycolpic,"" i cried?
as i smothered, near died?
is the term that fits this mama best.
"
"many women, i hear, are impressed
by some hair on a big manly chest.
but such hair, i suggest,
they abhor and detest,
when it grows on their womanly breast.
"
"a life that is pledged to devotion
seems these days an outdated notion.
i hope all those prayers
are rewarded upstairs
with the gift of eternal promotion.
"
"cutting tools? are you thinking of saws
or axes or knives, maybe claws?
name a thing less overt?
""ctrl-x""? that's quite pert,
and of course, there's the tool in your jaws.
"
"credit history: none should ignore
this record-of-borrowing 'score',
for poor reputations
sink loan applications.
who thinks history's bunk anymore?
"
"""would you please come upstairs for a dekko?""
said a lass, who made paintings of gecko.
i hoped for some leching,
but saw just an etching
in pigments that echoed el greco.
"
"in my family, once there were three:
a pair of twin sisters and me.
now the girls share the state
of my father, of late ?
they're deceased, six feet down, r.i.p.
"
"ever-mounting bills have me upset;
my arrears are a cause of regret.
but i've paid what i can;
now my suicide plan
makes me pray for forgiveness of debt.
"
"""this report!"" cried the beach police chief,
""what'ya mean you were wearing a leaf?""
""chasing thieves, i reacted
when i was distracted
by nudists, who made me debrief.""
"
"from some despots at last we are free:
no more hitlers or stalins ? whoopee!
these tyrannical crazies
are pushing up daisies.
will the future reprise them? we'll see.
"
"i'm a party with liberal views,
so it's liberal parties i choose.
yet i might disagree
when some nude debauchee
throws a libertine party, with booze.
"
"in business accounting it's smart
to record your affairs on a chart
of accounts. just be sure
you keep entries of your
firm's expenses and income apart.
"
"it required a brave act of transcendence
to keep up my aa attendance.
now, hooray! no more booze;
but who'll help me to lose
my new limerick-writing dependence.
"
"our leaders are filled with foreboding,
'cos everyone's wealth is eroding.
pure greed was exalted,
then deadbeats defaulted;
see the debt bombs around us exploding.
"
"once a dealer of stocks, now i'm broke.
my wife left for some card-dealer bloke.
worse, the car dealer man
repossessed my new van ?
where's my dealer, i need me a toke.
"
"the dependency ratio's high.
i can kiss my retirement goodbye.
i'll have to keep bearing
the burden of caring
for boomer excesses, but why? ...
"
"when the king needed rest from his reign,
in his country estate he'd remain.
there he'd frolic and play,
sipping brandy all day.
his demesne ? in the main ? kept him sane.
"
"here's some hickory-dickory crock
'bout a squirrel who ran up a clock:
he got such a great shock
when he heard the tick-tock,
he's no longer a chickaree jock.
"
"""you should cultivate friends,"" my mum said.
""you'll need someone to care when i'm dead.""
yes, it's worrying me,
now i'm aged fifty three:
who will wash me and tuck me in bed?
"
"you might delve in your past to see what
your ancestors did or did not.
but take care when you're nosing
round lives now reposing,
for skeletons rattle a lot.
"
"their death was a tragic event:
no bequest to me, not a red cent!
now i'm destitute, broke?
it was their little joke?
my inheritance they'd gone and spent.
"
"said the virgin, ""i want to stay pure.""
so the doctor replied, ""to be sure,
squeeze tight on this pill
'tween your knees and you will;
for prevention is better than cure.""
"
"""is my bum big in this?"" asked the knight,
as he put on his armour to fight.
""seems something's amiss,
for i can't fit my cuisse:
it won't tie on my thigh, it's too tight.""
"
"you have all heard that dragons breathe fire.
but that's nothing compared to the ire
that my lady displays
when i err in my ways:
she harangues me so much i perspire.
"
"a grossly insensitive lass
thought nothing of making a pass
at any nice guy
who gave her the eye?
by grabbing his ass. she's so crass!
"
"when transactions in trade don't go right,
and you're left in a frustrating plight,
for legal redress,
where d'ya go? can you guess?
to commercial law courts, take your fight.
"
"the directors displayed no decorum
at their company's quarterly forum.
'twas a fractious affair
till called off by the chair,
""as this board meeting's just lost its quorum.""
"
"a normally happy young lad
became gloomy and thought he was mad
for his humour had darkened.
but he readily hearkened
when his doctor declared he had sad.
"
"we irish are all out of whack,
which is why yous all keep comin' back.
yous're probably t'inkin'
it's 'cos of our drinkin',
but dat's only half of de craic.
"
"to denmark i went, for a lark.
i read hamlet in tivoli park.
i got drunk and was bed
by a mermaid who said,
""den carlsberg, sig makes os danes bark.""
"
"though we've decimalised, gran resents
how now everything's valued in cents.
she decries as extreme
this whole metrical scheme,
as she counts out her money in pence.
"
"resolve that, to save your career,
decisions will never be clear.
then when things go awry
let the blame pass you by.
who knows? you might yet be premier.
"
"cimicifuga: insect repellers.
they ease pain, so say herbal cure sellers.
for most bugs they're a bane;
but we seldom complain,
though these herbs can be somewhat strong smellers.
"
"what is continency? just self-restraint.
it's a concept i find rather quaint,
being no altar boy.
life is there to enjoy ?
i'm a much better sinner than saint.
"
"chief executives run the whole show
by directing their minions below.
but should things go awry,
you'll hear stakeholders cry,
""ceo, you must go. cheerio!""
"
"for shoppers in search of a deal,
this closing sale's useless, i feel.
it's a trade made by pros
in options, to close
a position that has no appeal.
"
"the abelia's so pretty, i think
with her flowers of red, white, or pink.
	the frost doesn't please her
	(don't put in the freezer!)
but she does have a most pleasin' stink.
"
"a young lithuanian fella
contracted a case of rubella.
	all his blood drained away,
	'til his tint turned to grey.
achromasia's a grim ghostly pallor.
"
"when your skull, as a matter of fact-a-ly,
has a shape that is not quite exact-a-ly
	all smooth, round, and sleek,
	but it comes to a peak:
why, that's acrocephalosyndactyly.
"
"caesar adrian, roman of sense,
built a wall that was thick and immense.
	kept barbarians out,
	but the neighbours did shout
at the bill for their half of that fence!
"
"head to agawam: town mighty fine.
there's good hiking (or throw in a line).
it's in southern ma,
down connecticut way,
and the zip code is binary nine.
"
"in floodwaters, staying afloat
calls for use of a watertight boat.
or, if plucky (and lucky,
and sans rubber ducky):
hold tight to a backstroking goat.
"
"in the hot amazonian summer
it's embarrassing being a plumber.
	when the weather is ripe,
	boas leap from the pipe ?
and a death by aboma's a bummer.
"
"around christ's time, there lived an old geezer
named octavian, nephew of caesar.
for his firm sense of justice,
they renamed him augustus:
then they made him a god, the crowd-pleaser.
"
"an algerian miner of coal
lost his job, got a form for the dole.
	though his mum's from oran,
	dad's a big polish man;
so he wrote, under ""race"": ""berber pole.""
"
"for a context-free grammar, the norm
is ensuring your syntax conforms.
	for smtp
	(and such rfcs),
they use augmented backus-naur form.
"
"i chase britney to every soir?e;
all the orders she gives, i obey.
but i'm not just her roadie,
i am also her toady:
i'm her lickspittle, tool, ?me damn?e.
"
"o aerenchyma, glorious tissue!
drowning plants would be happy to kiss you!
swapping gases in roots
for the ones in their shoots,
you assist them when flooding's an issue.
"
"an old african christian, or adamite,
thought nudeness would make his god glad a mite.
	social mores today
	wouldn't cause him to stray
(but skidding along the macadam might).
"
"alfalfa as stock feed's ok;
my horse wolfs it down with a neigh.
	but as food for us folk ?
	well, i fear it's a joke:
quite frankly, i'd rather eat hay.
"
"if you find yourself starting to wobble
'cause your ankles are causing you trobble,
	an afo brace
	might help you save face
by taming that tilt to a hobble.
"
"acathexia's an unpleasant ride
as it saps all the spring from your stride.
	your bodily secretions
	turn into excretions
'cause you just cannot keep them inside.
"
"of names for a boy, we adored nought
from dozens of references store-bought.
but we'd long known the name
which we'd use for a dame,
so we named her with ""alice"" aforethought.
"
"while disrobing, a young girl from china
took offense at her doctor's one-liner
	(she'd a pain most severe
	in her chest, like a spear)
that it sure was acute, her angina.
"
"well our alphabet's fixed (though just barely)
at a lean twenty-six (quite unfairly).
	but when english was born,
	we had both e? and ?orn ?
also ?sc (which can still turn up, rarely).
"
"suited actuaries, forecasting aces,
evaluate insurance cases.
	they can weigh up your fate
	and work out your death date
to twenty-five decimal places.
"
"my dollar buys eighty-nine yen;
but a buck's worth of francs, eighty-ten.
i might head to the bank,
buy some yen with a franc,
and then do it again and again.
"
"a circle's three-sixty degrees:
there are sixty arcminutes in these.
they're marked with a prime
(just like minutes of time),
and they measure your path on the seas.
"
"got a fever, and lymph nodes that swell?
got a fungus and herpes as well?
should have practiced safe sex;
aids-related complex
is a sign that your health's shot to hell.
"
"hellish auschwitz ? that infamous spot
where a million were starved, gassed, or shot.
on our history's broad page,
this nefarious stage
will forever remain a black blot.
"
"an argument might cause much strife,
especially one with your wife.
it could last just a minute
if her heart isn't in it ?
if it is? try the rest of your life.
"
"akrotiri: an odd little place
that the british all reckon is ace.
a colonial antique
in south cyprus (that's greek):
an autonomous raf base!
"
"artaxerxes: five shahs bore this name.
one lost thrace to the greeks (oh the shame!)
then the next killed his brother.
the third? killed his mother!
the fourth and the fifth? much the same.
"
"if ye're scots, and one fine efternuiny
ye look, and see something balloony
	way up ower ye hied
	then pay heed indeed:
it isnae above but aboon ye.
"
"ai's a sloth, with toes numbering three;
and he lives in perpetual glee
	way down south in guiana:
	he shuns the banana,
but sups on the tall trumpet-tree.
"
"amazonian: a word that's applied
to a girl with machismo supplied.
	like a scythian of old,
	she's pugnacious and bold
(or her bra's a bit loose on one side).
"
"any 52-week high and low
is a price indicator to show
if a stock quote is dear
when compared for the year.
it's a tool wise investors well know.
"
"corn spurry: this term can mislead,
for it sounds like some animal feed.
but it's really a sticky
(and sometimes quite tricky)
fast-spreading white-flowered whorled weed.
"
"in commercial affairs you will find
many document needs you must mind.
most are forms and official
(some look prejudicial);
just watch for a paperwork bind.
"
"in finance, the acid test shows
the strength of your short-term cash flows.
if the ratio is low,
then investors will know
there's a risk that the business may close.
"
"concurrency's tekkie talk for
simultaneously processing more
than just one application;
it gives us salvation
from simple batch systems of yore.
"
"on the internet, ads should be slick
to attract many users to click
through the link to your site
so that you can exploit
them, so making competitors sick.
"
"my condition was fading quite fast,
so i had a new horoscope cast.
the star chart's prediction
confirmed my conviction?
this ditty might well be my last.
"
"when my time comes, i'm going first class?
i've booked priests to concelebrate mass.
they'll pray as a whole
to save my sad soul;
at the heavenly gate i'll hear, ""pass!""
"
"i'm as wholesome as mom's apple pie,
with no habits or sins to decry;
all the girls want to date me?
makes rivals just hate me?
i'm a good-looking, clean-living guy.
"
"this boat's small. it is driven by oar
and it travels from ship to the shore
doing tendering chores
like ferrying stores.
work on cockboats can be such a bore.
"
"""what's this debt market??"" grampa sounds vexed.
""you can buy and sell bodies? what next?""
""it's a market for loans,
not for bags of old bones,""
i reply ? but he still seems perplexed.
"
"adam tasted eve's fruit, and this meant
down a slippery slope they were bent
as they fell from god's grace.
(what a costly embrace!)
to this day, we repent their descent.
"
"for my birthday, they pimped my old ride;
this customized van is my pride.
its bordelloish theme
and ornate colour scheme
leads to lots of hot-rodding inside.
"
"""tell me, what do you want?"" she demanded.
""to be caned,"" i replied, being candid,
""by you in tight leather.""
but this upset heather.
she left me ? unbanded and stranded.
"
"devastation engenders much grief,
for of land, life and limb, it's a thief.
often, anguish and pain
will be all that remain,
since from ruin there's no quick relief.
"
"full employment can cause, in a nation,
an excess demand situation:
too much money is chasing
too few goods.  we're then facing
some classic demand-pull inflation.
"
"in the land ruled by many a gandhi,
hindus worship a goddess called chandi.
in eighteen laden arms
she holds weapons and charms:
i guess ? if you pray ? she's quite handy.
"
"it seemed driving was hurting my neck,
but the doctor said, after a check,
""it is plain you've a strain
that occurs when you crane,
so, no more rubber-necking."" oh, heck!
"
"in democracies, people are stirred
to vote freely and have their voice heard.
sometimes rule by majority
puts fools in authority:
look at dubya, and don't doubt my word.
"
"denigrators are those who are quick
to run people down. it's their trick.
with their blackening ways,
they lend truth to the phrase
give a dog a bad name ? it will stick.
"
"pm eden: fine hats are his passion;
makes his own (as he feels they're quite dashin').
he's no hatter, but thinks
he can work out the kinks:
dedicated, this leader of fashion.
"
"australia day: twenty-six jan.,
when our land was first settled by man!
(hang on, that's not quite right?
the first ones who were white:
for the rest, the day it hit the fan.)
"
"name the arabic numerals? 1,
then there's 2, 3, and 4 (this is fun!),
5, 6, 7, and 8,
then a 9 (this is great!),
and a 0 as well: now i'm done!
"
"an anachronism's something unknown
in the time or the place being shown:
like in lame movie scenes
where the vikings wear jeans?
or macbeth has a cellular phone.
"
"in glasgow, they know it's their duty
to fight against satan (auld clootie).
they tell that old foe:
""ye know where ye can go!
on yer way, ye can kiss mah patootie.""
"
"you know, apple is also a verb.
there's a fact that will shock and disturb;
but i tell you, it's true!
it's that thing turnips do
when they swell and go round: they're superb!
"
"every friday, my cousin enjoys
going out, but she has to appoise
(or weigh up) for the night
(as she's bi, it's her right)
if she's chasing the girls or the boys.
"
"oh apostrophe, you're just the best
literary device; i'm impressed!
to address an abstraction
gives great satisfaction:
ok, i'll admit, i'm obsessed.
"
"""sacr? bleu! i can't measure zat crater,
it's too big! i'll just halve ze equator,
work out pi times ze square,
get ze area ? zere!""
sank ze lord for zat smart arpentator!
"
"your pc (and i don't want to harp)
is, i'm sorry to say, not too sharp:
to locate your friends' macs
takes some smarts that it lacks
on its own, so it needs to use arp.
"
"john james audubon, king among nerds,
liked to catalogue, write lots of words.
was arrested and tried
when they heard that he'd hide
and sketch drawings of young naked birds.
"
"being stuck on the ground's a frustration,
but to fly's an amazing sensation;
so it makes sense that things
which have sprouted forth wings
are described as achieving alation.
"
"there's a brash soccer fan from dundee
who's, alas, a two-time amputee.
	though a violent young lout,
	no-one's scared of his clout
'cause this hooligan's armless, you see.
"
"he was violent, aggressive, and bellicose;
of scotch whisky his breath was all smellicose.
he took one step too near
and i fled, full of fear.
i'm not brave, strong or tough: i'm just jellicose.
"
"atlas paper (sighed kev) is my passion?
though, at two feet by three, out of fashion.
for a letter, too long;
for a memo, just wrong:
but for sketches, it's perfectly smashin'.
"
"""a tattoo on my ankle, right there!
put a symbol from china, pierre!""
he misheard; dad, i beg
can i 'tat' my left leg,
just to match it: a hi-hat and snare?
"
"""let's jet off for your birthday!"" she said.
""say, a villa in rome? or club med!
then we'll dance by the rhine;
head to france for fine wine!""
(in the end, we watched tv in bed.)
"
"in ventnor, to shop's a delight:
the stores are all lit up so bright.
every tourist is jolly
as he trundles his trolley
along the fair aisles of white.
"
"it sounds regal in stories and fables,
but baron's the least of the labels
on nobility's scene:
after feasts with the queen,
it's the barons wot wipes down the tables.
"
"donald rhem, the new head of gm,
said, ""that putz down in legal's a gem!
i'm sure that this jerk'll
use ?
where it actually should be ?!""
"
"when served spinach, some hate it and heave it;
those who love it, run off and retrieve it.
	but for those called ""ambivalent,""
	both views are equivalent:
they're the folk who can take it or leave it.
"
"if an athlete's a sportsman elite
(strong or clever, or just fleet of feet)
they should have an address
which just screams out ""success"" ?
such as ""number one picabo street.""
"
"a duet, who performed the mikado,
mixed ""fortissimo"" and ""agitato.""
	the flute gave a blast;
	the piano played fast ?
but too slowly to dodge the tomato.
"
"acephalism ? having no head ?
is a plight which, by rights, leaves you dead.
	but should you not die,
	you're in luck: you can buy
a kiddie-size three-quarter bed!
"
"americium's souped-up uranium;
just add neutrons: come on, use your cranium!
	you should treat it with care,
	it's expensive and rare:
you can hide it beneath that geranium.
"
"industrial standards in france
should never be left up to chance.
so don't break the rules
with equipment or tools,
or afnor will kick in ze pants.
"
"a well-spoken young indonesian
contracted a cortical lesion.
	his sentences hence
	no longer made sense:
acataphasia wrecks verbal cohesion.
"
"that gray metal arsenic is best
to bump off an unwanted pest
	whether rat, bird, or mouse;
	beetle, cricket, or louse ?
or welcome-outstaying house-guest.
"
"accho is a town, if you please
though its name reminds one of a sneeze.
	it might sound like a cold
	but it's biblical (old!)
and a port, not some awful disease.
"
"resistance impedes current's flow;
and conductance is what lets it go.
	abhenries measure the latter
	(though a henry's much fatter):
they're both named for joseph, not o.
"
"the ashanti's a ghanaian region
and people (whose numbers are legion).
they're totally loco
for weaving and cocoa.
and their skin? well, they don't look norwegian!
"
"said popeye, caught trying to cram
the wrong beats in a limerick: ""damn!
i knows anapest's best,
but i likes all the rest!
and so that's why iamb what iamb.""
"
"ancient rome did aurelian restore
and he was, in two-seventy-four,
fighting fit and alive;
but in seventy-five,
he was heading, feet first, out the door.
"
"what a talented priest is the anglican:
'e can shoot, 'e can trap, 'e can angle, 'e can
use hunting techniques
to find food for twelve weeks ?
and make arthouse films better than ang lee can.
"
"took a photo this morn of a cave,
for the mag that i work for (well, slave).
taxi-cabbed to the lab,
then the cinema (fab!),
watched ""apocope now"" (that's my fave).
"
"""so the shark took a chunk when it hit?""
""not at all; just the tiniest bit ?
or a bittock ? it took
of my buttock, which (look!)
makes me tilt to one side when i sit.""
"
"a gap-toothed young archery ace
wiped his mouth; came to grief when his brace
(that's the pad on his arm
to protect it from harm)
got caught up with the ones in his face.
"
"i must know: just how bright is that star?
i can't tell, so i'll work out how far
it varies in glow
from those two that i know:
add 'em up, then divide ? there you are!
"
"amyl nitrite, for uses improper,
is often called rush, or a popper.
but it earns some renown
keeping blood pressure down:
claim angina if stopped by a copper.
"
"as a modern abortionist, one
finds one's day is not brimful of fun:
there's the death of a fetus
(a solemn quietus),
and ""watch it! that guy's got a gun!""
"
"anabolics: just one type of 'roid
(one that athletes must always avoid).
while they help you run best,
if they show on a test
you just might find yourself unemployed.
"
"don't you fret about him, mate, no sweat:
he's a basket case, buddy, no threat!
not just hopeless or dense,
the original sense:
he's a limbless old world war one vet.
"
"hawkish amraphel ? king and baaad mother ?
had longings to kill, crush, and smother:
he knocked sodom down,
which, while bad for that town,
was no worse than they did to each other.
"
"your front page is half-empty? no fear;
the balaam basket's just over here!
grab a story pre-written
'bout an oh-so-cute kitten,
or that guy getting shot by that deer.
"
"he was syriac orthodox? lies!
that's the type of deceit i despise!
why, that bishop was coptic!
the proof is autoptic:
i saw with my very own eyes!
"
"apple farmers obtain by the crate
this so-hard-to-pronounce but so great
	acid salt of repute
	that is used to peel fruit:
good ol' alkylbenzenesulfonate.
"
"on his left side, the monster godzilla
has a cavernous, gaping axilla:
an armpit so wide
you could hide right inside
with four tanks and a twelve-ship flotilla.
"
"at a party, a donkey's pinned tail
missed its mark, landing far beyond the pale.
it was said to append
to a lass in south bend
who relayed it back asswards by mail.
"
"you've got absolute alcohol? whoa!
that's a booze so damn pure it has no
more than one percent, tops
(just a couple of drops!),
of depressingly pure h2o.
"
"an aphid's a bug, i suppose
and he sups on the sap of the rose.
	he's exceedingly tiny;
	just 2 mil. from his heinie
to the tip of his aphidy nose.
"
"so i said to the hitchhiker, ""howdy!
come hop in! share my luxury audi!
why, it's german, like you!
(try the minibar, too!)""
he, alas, was both sober and saudi.
"
"sweet amelia: king george was her dad,
and her death (way too young) made him sad.
when that poor dying thing
put some hair in a ring,
that sad gift sent her pa barking mad.
"
"a collection of works ? an anthology ?
helps if you're learning biology.
but if studying ants
and their homes earns you grants,
then your science, i'd say, is ant-hole-ogy!
"
"you've a liver? it's pumping out bile.
and your other parts? ichors most vile.
	but the lymph mixed with fat?
	you ain't got none of that?
you're achylous, bud: lacking in chyle.
"
"it's no fun to be stuck on your own,
with no company, left all alone.
but it's not always woe;
some would rather it so,
like a beagle pup guarding her bone.
"
"you generally don't want an arc
(an electrical discharge, or spark)
in a methane-filled room,
'cause a methane-fuelled boom
leaves no time for a sage last remark.
"
"""compound pulleys and levers and screws?
he's a hero! his crimes i excuse!""
was marcellus's plea,
but nobody told me.
so tough luck, archimedes: you lose.
"
"""these young brats,"" cried out lord baden-powell,
""need a smack on the head with a trowel!""
but he taught them instead
to use grass for a bed,
light a fire, and call like an owl.
"
"kids are brats if they're ill-behaved swine:
if they cry and have tantrums and whine.
if they fight and they fuss,
and they swear and they cuss:
and, of course, if they're yours and not mine.
"
"the australopithecus clan
were an ape-like precursor to man.
they could walk (well, they loped)
and their foreheads were sloped?
sounds a lot like my cousin dianne.
"
"listen caesar, mate, let me regale ya
with the ""goss"" from last night's bacchanalia.
our god bacchus was praised,
then some glasses were raised;
missed the rest, i'm afraid (liver failure).
"
"when beset, back in late 1940,
by sortie upon german sortie,
said churchill, ""no quittin'!
this battle of britain
will teach them to not be so naughty.""
"
"says our kev: ""antiquarian's sweet!
it's the paper that just can't be beat!
see, its primary strength
is its four-foot-five length:
great for plans (or an improvised sheet)!""
"
"from their diploid cells, some clever greens
make gametophytes (spreaders of genes).
think it sounds too preposterous?
no, just aposporous.
(wish i knew what all that means!)
"
"that african plant called the aloe
is a useful and succulent fellow.
	on a burn, it'll soothe;
	but a taste (though quite smooth)
makes you bolt for the loo with a bellow.
"
"the best limerick metre, my friend,
is not anapest, first line to end.
the third line can ditch it
(to amphibrach switch it);
dactyl then rounds out the blend.
"
"the word ace, for a pilot, conveys
he's made forty-two kills on soir?es.
wait: soir?es? i meant sorties;
and not in the forties,
but five. oy, it's one of those days.
"
"to my wife i declared my intent:
give up sex on ash wednesday for lent.
now the first day was fine,
but that day thirty-nine?!
(we felt guilty, but strangely content.)
"
"as an arbiter, i hold no grudge;
i decide fast, and then i don't budge.
arbitrariness, mate:
toss a coin, pick a fate?
it's the key to success for a judge.
"
"it's lead sulphide from up cornwall way;
potters use it for glazing their clay.
but you sure shouldn't bake
up an alquifou cake:
it makes pottery green, but folk grey.
"
"abraham: grandpa of jews
(of christians and muslim folk too).
god enjoined: ""kill your son!""
'twas about to be done!
then an angel said, ""no, that'll do.""
"
"the aristocratic miss st john
when she meets her young cousins starts crt john.
they'll come down from nottinghamshire,
act like right little clottinghamshire,
then say, ""'ere, c'mon cuz, quit yer wht john!""
"
"there's the circumflex, tilde, and grave;
these are some of the accents i lahve.
and more fanciful things?
macrons, h??eks, and rings?
that go under, beside, or abahve.
"
"a recent upgrader named shawn
said, ""i once thought the 'net was a yawn;
but now i'm just swimmin'
in half-naked wimmin:
this adsl's tops for porn!""
"
"lawyers' archives hold motions and pleas,
bankers' archives store records of fees.
a realtor's has deeds;
a botanist's, seeds;
noah's ark-hives: just one pair of bees.
"
"he's an extra in films who's quite stout;
about staying unnoticed, devout.
but they gave him the heave-ho,
as he's alto relievo:
from the background, he stands halfway out.
"
"we had flirted; my niceness impressed you.
then you sneezed; i'm polite, so i blessed you.
well your head twirled about;
vomit gushed in a spout.
it would seem my short prayer dispossessed you.
"
"at that caf? just over the border,
told my waitress i really adored 'er.
she brings apples, then beans;
cookie dough, eggs, fried greens:
that's my stock alphabetical order.
"
"""mister chairman?"" i said: what a flub!
our chairperson's a ""dame"", not a ""bub""!
it turns out (just as well)
i was right (you can't tell
in the crying game film lovers' club).
"
"chester arthur was sacked in a brawl
over jobs for his mates: oh the gall,
to promote without talent
(which hayes thought ungallant)!
well, he won; guess it's fine after all.
"
"""well that play wasn't really that great;
far too short, for a start, which i hate!""
""mate, the play was a masterpiece.
you saw the afterpiece:
you showed up three hours late!""
"
"in your car you got cursed? well, you'll cope.
an anathema? listen, you dope:
that's no ""swear"" kind of curse,
that's the kind that's much worse!
see that guy you cut off? that's the pope!
"
"you were scared of the man in the parka
when he yelled? it was just a big lark, a
way to give you a fright
for the rugby tonight:
he's an all black, and that was their haka.
"
"""oh, a4!"" cried a typist named kevin,
""the paper-enthusiast's heaven!
it's especially prized
as it's perfectly sized
at just two-ten by two-ninety-seven.""
"
"you might hear an alert, or alarum,
if some lawyers sneak into a harem
	just to take a quick peek,
	and the girls give a shriek.
and the sheik? well, he just might ""disbar"" 'em.
"
"seen that new guy in finance yet, jack?
my advice to you, mate: watch yer back.
mark my word, he's an axman
(that's worse than a tax-man!):
he's here to give you lot the sack.
"
"need a3? two a4 and you're done!
or just halve for a5 (this is fun!).
the proportions are better
than foolscap or letter:
while one side's root two, one's just one.
"
"an unscrupulous alchemist's clerk
stole alembroth on leaving his work.
sold it out on the street
(said it ate through concrete)
but, alas, it was junk: what a jerk!
"
"he's known for his jumping finesse
and his pace, which is sure to impress.
though he's mister aepyceros,
to his wife and his misteruss
he's ""you great big impala, oh yes!""
"
"he's a toy (say around a ten-incher);
he's so brave (not a trembler or flincher).
he's a wiry hound,
with his eyes big and round:
that mustachioed pup, affenpinscher.
"
"a production line fashions small parts
into toasters or boxes or tarts.
but eukaryotes can
build themselves from a plan:
which shows autopoietic street-smarts.
"
"douglas bader: a top wartime fighter.
shy two legs, but for this gutsy blighter
that just made him an ace;
his plane won every chase
'cause its pilot was forty pounds lighter.
"
"if you're pregnant, and feel a contraction
but no pain (just a squeezing-type action),
they're fake cramps ? braxton hicks ?
simple uterine tricks!
a mere plug for the coming attraction.
"
"""bring me mousse!"" cried out clem, earl of attlee:
""a prime minister's hair must sit flattlee!""
said the king, ""doff your cap
when you go for your nap;
then perhaps it won't look quite so hattlee.""
"
"cunning colchian king, that aeetes:
set hard tasks, after jason's entreaties.
	all the jobs, jase did fine:
	""that gold fleece is now mine!""
took the skin, glad he ate all his weeties!
"
"""schtop zis singing! you must! i insist!""
screeched frau dietrich, whilst shaking her fist.
""dummkopf, i sing ze song;
meanvile you play along!
zat is vot an accompanist ist!""
"
"an arminian's no fate-driven drone;
not predestined, his life is his own.
this puts him at odds
with those calvinist sods
(though his feelings on hobbes are unknown).
"
"well, austere's such a good word to learn:
""strict and sombre"", with no room to turn.
but not ""making crude jokes
about lesbian folks"":
that's a totally separate stern.
"
"the ashmore and cartier islands
are small and quite flat (they're not highlands),
off australia's north coast,
which (i don't like to boast),
in a way, makes them more or less my lands.
"
"put some gas (any type) in a drawer;
avogadro found (hence comes his law)
that a molecule count
will produce an amount
that's the same (let me guess ? twenty-four?).
"
"so your car was crushed under a clod?
in an avalanche? oh, you poor sod!
insurance? i laugh!
they won't even pay half!
the fine print? it excludes acts of god.
"
"a tasmanian you'd hardly call puny,
his best feat was heroic but loony:
while his cricket earned cheers,
it's the fifty-two beers
that made such a cult hero of ""boony"".
"
"austin's swell; we just don't want to leave!
love it here? more than you could conceive!
but our love's just platonic,
as we're all bionic:
guess that's why it's named after steve.
"
"you can't find it, you chauvinist clod?
the most sensitive spot on my bod?
if you can't find that nub
then i'm sorry, but bub:
you and i are finito my god!
"
"in the court they explained, with due gravity,
their assaults on the ocular cavity.
said the older one, norbit:
""this cranial orbit
is the best for all kinds of depravity!""
"
"what happened to dancer and prancer?
alas, i have found out the answer:
they were swapped for two oxen
when they ate aflatoxin:
mouldy hay gave them both liver cancer.
"
"i set sail on a strange-looking boat:
a horned prow, and a thick wooly coat.
the lessor, when i'd hired,
had misheard; it transpired
that i'd chartered a 40-foot goat.
"
"a penguin, resplendent in tux,
has homing skills just like a duck's.
to achieve the south pole,
he just heads for his goal:
the southern cross tail, acrux.
"
"if your oxygen usage is whacked,
sampling gas from your blood can, in fact,
help the specialists see
(from results abg)
the cause of your problem, exact.
"
"think your skin's all disgusting? don't whine;
it's not nearly as icky as mine,
'cause i've scraped off great hails
of psoriasic scales:
now they're bleeding (that's auspitz's sign).
"
"bob the builder calls out, ""can we fix it?""
""yes we can!  get the mortar and mix it.""
with his hard hat and hammer,
bob the builder's no scammer?
sign the contract, stand back and he bricks it.
"
"the clan moaned by the funeral tent,
while the pipes wailed a dirgeful assent.
macduff, a real stinker
and consummate drinker,
now lay in the ground to ferment.
"
"a cro-magnon (most nobly ancestored)
found a cave where he wouldn't be pestered.
taking coloured mud balls
which he smeared on the walls,
he created fine art while sequestered.
"
"if you're human you need to be right.
someone says that you're wrong?  it's a slight.
despite tiptoes and tact,
watch the ego react
every time, and defensively fight.
"
"there are times when i think i could bludgeon
my cranky old friend the curmudgeon.
he's stubborn and crusty,
foul-bearded and musty.
suggest that he bathe?   he ain't budgin'.
"
"magic kingdom-themed weddings are neat.
cinderella, prince charming ? how sweet.
fairy godmother's spell
makes these couples feel swell?
their disneyfication's complete.
"
"in the past, in the black was a term
we were proud of down here at the firm,
but for now, says our boss,
there's no profit?just loss?
which is making our bookkeeper squirm.
"
"oh, canadian crosswalks sublime?
to ignore one's considered a crime.
when you step into traffic
on painted lines graphic,
cars approaching will stop on a dime.
"
"said my priest at divinity school,
""has this sermon been penned by a fool?
for the love of saint pete,
drop that anapest beat
or get rapped by my firm golden rule!""
"
"so intense and red hot is my tess,
she's a witch straight from hell, many guess.
though she's fightin' an' bitchin',
i'm still in the kitchen,
in love with a devil, no less.
"
"use the bark that they call angostura
for bitters: there's no bark that's purer.
mix with lemon and lime
for a drink quite sublime;
for the sick, it's a world-famous curer.
"
"while mores suggest that young teens
should be kept out of any lewd scenes,
abercrombie & fitch's
ad agency's pitches
bedecked them in nothing but jeans.
"
"while in asia, i caught a bad flu;
gave me fever, pneumonia too.
the disease was transferred
when i snogged some cute bird:
said i loved her, but she just said, ""coo.""
"
"this roast's oh-so-nice: have a bite!
it's so tender and sweet?a delight!
it's so plump?try the wine!
yes, it's rump?no, it's mine!
autophagia's my dietary plight.
"
"trying autoerotic asphyxia
just might be what gives you your kicks; ya
don't know till you try,
so you tighten that tie
(but watch out: it will likely deep-six ya).
"
"precious diamonds: not just pretty rocks,
they're a better investment than stocks.
wise investors will hoard 'em,
but if you can't afford 'em,
buy some diamond-knit argyle socks.
"
"two turkish too-warm hippopotami
exclaimed to each other, ""how hot am i?""
so they waddled with grace
down to olden-day thrace
to cavort in the cool aegospotami.
"
"amphetamines (aka speed)
can cut back on your need for a feed.
they're the drugs that you take
if you must stay awake ?
nearly three in four truckers agreed.
"
"it's so far! should we ride all the way?
there were sixty-five ballots for ""nay"".
but the same count for ""aye""
meant the vote was a tie
at optometrists' pony club day.
"
"neighbour's dog woofs all night in the dark?
well, some aspirin could well hit the mark.
it just might ease the pain
of your poor throbbing brain ?
there's a reason they make it from bark.
"
"if you feel there is something you've missed
(a desire which seems to persist),
that dream needn't die
ere your last day is nigh ?
add it on to your long bucket list.
"
"whirling salome's dance was revealing
(diaphanousness  most appealing).
to gaze through her veils
and view all that entails
could not fail but to send one's head reeling.
"
"i just cashed a convertible bond.
(of share swapping, i've never been fond.)
with new bills in a bag,
the top down on my jag,
i might meet a convertible blonde.
"
"biodiesel's big business.  it's choice!
i've brewed thousands of barrels.  rejoice!
well-oiled sales to civilians
just pour in the millions
while i gas up my brand new rolls royce.
"
"as chess master, i'll fork your queen knightly
and pin her with bishop uprightly.
two-pronged on her flank,
i'll attack her back rank
with slick moves that she cannot take lightly.
"
"here i cruise on my bike, scanning ditches
and cutbanks  for cast away riches.
empty beer cans astray
always brighten my day ?
once they've turned into cash in my britches.
"
"to his harem at noon crooned the swami,
""for our lunch we'll have rye and pastrami,
then recline for a rest,
at which time i'll suggest:
hold the onions and hide the salami.""
"
"when i opened my brokerage account
i thought stock yields would flow like a fount.
should have guessed, cuz my broker
was nicknamed bram stoker ?
he's sucked out the whole damn amount!
"
"biodiesel is now what i use;
so old cooking oil burns when i cruise.
i've forsworn fuel from fossils
to join green apostles
turning grease into earth-saving brews.
"
"""using tam is important!"" she roared.
""da da dum should go right 'cross the board
so the anapest's set ?
that's the meter you get.
deviation must not be explored.""
"
"i have hiked the canadian shield;
sensed the might that a glacier can wield ?
as though great taloned hands
once ripped through those lands,
leaving scars where the bedrock has healed.
"
"delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol
is a name mainly used in the lab an' all.
pot smokers (who, me?)
simply say thc?
and get high 'cause our lives are so drab an' all.
"
"i hear canada's covered in snow,
that it's freezing and nothing will grow.
they catch fish through the ice,
hunt for berries and mice...
planned a trip, but i don't think i'll go.
"
"at the sight of a dental syringe,
i bite down on my teeth and i cringe,
with a hope it goes quick,
cuz i can't take the prick
when that needle begins to impinge.
"
"""gord ignored the four sores on his whore...""
affords vowel repetition galore,
but rhyming all day
in this self-absorbed way?
total assonance!  lord, what a bore.
"
"so you think that you'll win?  that's absurd!
you won't beat me.  i give you my word.
with my finish line burst
i intend to come first:
you'll be second ? i won't be deterred.
"
"since you've ponied up all that you own
(as credit enhancement that's known),
it's like dough in our vault
should you ever default?
we'll be happy to give you a loan!
"
"there's a lot full of cars that he'll flaunt,
crooning, ""let's make the deal that you want,""
but i can't trust this guy
with his hair combed up high
in a puffed-up, big bulbous bouffant.
"
"at the stop, two young lovers embrace.
they lock lips, wrestle tongues and suck face.
they can keep all that fuss,
cuz all i need's a buss?
god, the service out here's a disgrace.
"
"lady nicola constantine-smith
said, ""i'm leaving dear england forthwith.
dating upper-class twits
is befuddling my wits?
i'm nonplussed.  mister right is a myth.""
"
"you're disrobing acropetally, dear.
first your toes, then your ankles appear.
so some flowers aspire,
with each bloom, a step higher.
to the apex in beauty, they steer.
"
"with butt-ugly broads, he gets snuggly ?
not those plain, or unlovely, but ugly!
his reason?  ""they're sleazy,
repulsive but easy ?
and grateful as hell!"" he says smugly.
"
"though this blackbird pie was baked for me,
i will equally share it with thee,
so the smaller half's thine,
while the bigger half's mine ?
oh, how oxymoronic are we!
"
"drifting downstream on ripples susurrant,
our canoe hit an eddy's strong current.
it spun us around
with a force most profound,
but to paddlers like us?  no deterrent.
"
"a canadian author named atwood
could write with her claws, like a cat would.
plot victims she'd shred
not with heart, but with head;
she could make readers wince, she was that good.
"
"allegoricalness is alive:
stories layered with meaning survive
with lessons to glean
that are veiled or unseen;
they're designed to help humankind thrive.
"
"i decided this summer, for fun,
that i'd nap in the nude in the sun.
i awoke on the sand
with my abs nicely tanned
and my critical organ well-done.
"
"on an apple box raised, the star talks.
soon, on screen, he'll seem tall, the sly fox.
but the starlets he's met
eye to eye on the set
know he's only five-four in his socks.
"
"my tall, skinny girlfriend ophelia
displays dolichostenomelia.
how the nba begs
for her long arms and legs!
(with that reach she could out-shaq o'neal ya.)
"
"said a sultan who'd stepped on some toes,
""in a harem, that's just how it goes.
with my wives all entangled,
a few may get mangled ?
it's best if they're mounted in rows.""
"
"heed my ax, which is dubbed double-bitted;
with a double-edged blade it is fitted.
it can fell mighty trees,
or bring men to their knees
when it's swung that their skulls shall be splitted.
"
"the captain's just freed all our slaves ?
withered thralls, chained to oars to fight waves.
don't know why they were miffed
when we cast them adrift ?
disinthrallment is what a slave craves.
"
"straight into the shop the boy gazed,
through two panes with an air-space, amazed.
he'd eat six, he soon reckons
(as white topping beckons),
for, double, not single, they're glazed.
"
"my face is a fright; it's alarming.
i'm tongue-tied on dates and not charming,
though with weights, i do curls ?
when i'm shirtless, the girls
find my big, bulging biceps disarming.
"
"this library gives me such grief:
all that shushing! good lord, what's their beef?
and they think if they try, it'll
calm my disquietal?
this air horn should change that belief.
"
"a strong-minded young woman named stofford
laughs at gifts from tall gents when they're proffered.
she likes men short and stocky,
assertive and cocky ?
who'll promptly unwrap what's been offered.
"
"your dimwittedness, jack, is astounding;
your search for employment, confounding.
your raw bleeding knuckles
elicit pained chuckles ?
poor fool, that is pavement you're pounding!
"
"doctors found a small tumour, well hid
in my bladder and nipped it, they did.
the young probe-wielding honcho,
in clint eastwood poncho,
i've nicknamed se?or cysto kid.
"
"one fine day we'll join poet immortals
for some laughs by those great pearly portals,
shouting limericks archival
to each chuckling arrival,
for a chorus of heavenly chortles.
"
"serve me eggs in the morn and i'm grateful.
i eat six every day ? that's a plateful.
when i nosh with my cousin,
we wolf down a dozen ?
that's why i buy eggs by the crateful.
"
"dishonourableness i've decried;
i've cursed men who've gone awol and lied.
but i'll soon reassess
the ideals i profess,
while beneath my dead comrades i hide.
"
"if ""racially different"" is heard,
a cultural construct's occurred.
when i look at a face
should i think, ""other race""?
no! ? ethnologists say that's absurd.
"
"noble limerick, often maligned,
labelled laughable, trite, unrefined:
cannot twenty words mused
keep one critic enthused?
oh, poetic elitists unkind!
"
"that's a species endangered you shot!
you may think that's okay, but it's not.
 are you out of your mind?
it's the last of its kind?
bloody snow leopard murdering sot!
"
"our families merged when we married;
our domesticant in-laws are varied:
young cousins who scamper,
old aunties who pamper ?
and hubbies quite happily harried.
"
"anthropologists who do ethnography
(called ethnographers in their biography)
study cultural mores
on venturous forays,
appending their notes with photography.
"
"my men are in worn-out condition,
too exhausted to finish the mission.
isn't taking this hill
only meant to fulfill
our new captain's ascending ambition?
"
"a limerick-composing equestrian,
hooked on clip-clopping sounds ""anapestrian"",
often rhymed to that beat
on his horse in the street,
though the writing itself was pedestrian.
"
"regal priests draped in robes ecclesiastical,
in churches, cite scriptures fantastical.
i get queasy sensations
of hells and damnations
when sermons they give are bombastical.
"
"well ensconced in his penthouse cocoon,
lurks a loathsome, egregious buffoon.
condo neighbours all know
that the world down below
is his 24/7 spittoon.
"
"i've a lisp,  i sashay with a sway;
that's effeminateness, so some say.
though my blouses are frilly,
that girl label's silly?
i've perfected my own gay cachet.
"
"it was oxymoronic, my fate:
boneless ribs lay arrayed on my plate.
""if god had made adam
so he would've had 'em,
we'd both now be men,"" said my date.
"
"my pale vampire beloved's exciting,
his bloodlessness cold but inviting.
for my life-blood, he's thirsting?
my heart's filled to bursting!
it shan't be in vain that he's biting.
"
"arthrodiran: a bone-armoured titan,
a butt-ugly fish born to frighten.
find an arthrodire here?
you have nothing to fear ?
they're extinct, so i doubt they'll be bitin'.
"
"your demonstrativeness is so sweet;
this affection in public, a treat.
and i do love a tease,
but, my dear, would you please
squeeze my hand, not my ass, in the street?
"
"can it be that you're wondering, mister,
why i'm not yellow-skinned, like my sister?
it's a pigment, you know,
makes her bistered cheeks so.
by the way, i can tell that you've kissed her.
"
"in damp forests, you'll find devil's club.
it's a tall, leafy, spiny-stemmed shrub.
branches dip when you trip ?
then spring back like a whip.
watch your step.  they can give you a drub.
"
"despite taxes, the mud and the fleas,
i think life as a serf is a breeze.
i would take up the sword
anytime, for my lord ?
don't defeudalize me, if you please.
"
"every springtime, it's pollen i dread,
for its aerobiological spread
on the breeze through the trees
brings me sneeze after sneeze,
itchy eyes, runny nose and sore head.
"
"the damn flies all around me are thriving.
and me?  i'm just barely surviving.
it's garbage i'm in ?
i'm a bum in a bin!
and i'm down in the dumps, dumpster diving.
"
"lady nicola constantine-smith
primly straightened her helmet of pith:
""damn the dengue, i say ?
no mosquito shall stay
our safari for lost kin and kith.""
"
"it contains but a paltry amount ?
with no flow, like a waterless fount.
""service charges are due,""
says the bank, ""or we'll sue.""
i say hands off my dormant account.
"
"in july and in august we laze
in the shade while the sun is ablaze.
or we lie on the beach,
take a swim, eat a peach...
these, the dog days of summer, i praise.
"
"you're a dummy, a dolt, and a goof.
it's no wonder we call you the doof.
yes, these names are unkind
but you don't seem to mind ?
so you spare us the burden of proof.
"
"before cell phones (back then i was single)
i would bring my black book when i'd mingle
to get numbers and names
of voluptuous dames
who'd said, ""later, do give me a dingle.""
"
"""there isn't a basketball bouncer
with more skill on the court as a pouncer
than 'shaqtus' o'neal ?
oh, just look at that steal!""
yelled the tv sports network announcer.
"
"some poets can't nail down a thought
by the end of a line, as they ought.
i get quite disappointed
with structure disjointed ?
so fractured, distracted, distraught.
"
"""six feet deep!"" yelled the sarge, ""for that bunker,
dig it hard, boy, then get down and hunker!""
now ain't that just swell.
you can dig straight to hell!
do i look like a god-damned spelunker?
"
"from his mountain bike, geoff would look down
on his wife, with a faultfinding frown;
wedded bliss he'd disparage ?
now he's minus a marriage
and must pedal his ass around town.
"
"though stoners spend all their time lazing,
their dexterousness is amazing.
these pot-smoking bums
sit and twiddle their thumbs
and in seconds, have new joints a-blazing.
"
"kinky hair?  some folks get their curls conked.
that means straightened. (your head won't get bonked.)
my new conk looks so cool;
it feels fine. hey! some fool
drivin' by me just whistled and honked.
"
"evolutionists? way off the mark.
they deny that t. rex rode the ark.
godless darwinist pimps
claim our cousins are chimps;
call that ""science""? they live in the dark!
"
"we divorced, which my mom thought was so great;
my ex-husband, she'd said, deserved no mate.
guess his mother-in-law
didn't like what she saw?
ran him off 'fore her will went to probate.
"
"quite frankly, i did have a yen
for your christmas cash gift once again.
but it will be exchanged.
the conversion's arranged.
i'll get rupees galore for that ten.
"
"dodecandrous: these flowers empowered
with twelve stamens, from gardens embowered,
make exciting bouquets
whose enticing displays
may result in fair maidens deflowered.
"
"i will never, it seems, be retired;
i guess effortfulness was required.
i strived for enjoyment,
tried part-time employment?
hope walmart soon tells me i'm hired.
"
"oh, how cubomedusan her tongue?
with venom vindictive she stung,
each poisonous bite
filled with psycho-ex spite,
while i in vile tentacles hung.
"
"my wife and i long have concurred
that a life lived at home is preferred.
we would rather play scrabble
than run with the rabble.
""dear, domestical isn't a word.""
"
"the lined features we see on this leaf
are its acrodrome veins.  to be brief:
top to bottom they trip
from the stalk to the tip.
paralleling the edges is chief.
"
"as our cliff-hugging bus, overcrowded,
left the road above rain forest clouded,
'cross the aisle a form turned,
'neath the cowl the eyes burned;
and i swear it was death disenshrouded.
"
"on the coast there's a line, and it forms
where the tide, when it's high, hits its norms.
from that certain location
to the first vegetation
is the backshore, wet only in storms.
"
"sonny's ex (who's a genuine dear)
got a sunburn that made her eyes tear,
wed the partner of roebuck,
and told bodements of no luck.
cher's sure a sincere seared sears seer.
"
"after childbirth, consult your physician
if your babe's in an awful condition.
aarskog syndrome's the name
of the problems that came
from recessive genetic transmission.
"
"when you see that your skin color's true
with no hint there of anything blue,
buddy, don't be neurotic?
you're acyanotic.
the o2 in your bloodstream gets through.
"
"in varnish, adhesive, and paint,
there are compounds to sicken a saint.
they cause great irritation
and gross inflammation.
acrylic acids?please use with restraint.
"
"the pest named dermestes lardarius
is a bug that is somewhat nefarious.
what it most loves to eat
are old fruit and dried meat.
bacon beetles are seldom hilarious.
"
"in the worst part of town, there's hysteria.
you would not find a soul there to marry ya.
it's a haven for drugs,
whores, delinquents, and thugs.
stay away from your burg's blighted area.
"
"what's unknown to the public? your face is!
since you haven't put paintings in places
(like a hall or museum)
where many can see 'em,
you show in alternative spaces.
"
"in my biga i ride through the park.
my two steeds pull in daylight or dark.
as i ride in my chariot,
the awed proletariat
catch pennies i toss as a lark.
"
"get some vinegar, butter, white wine,
then add seasonings (herbs chopped up fine),
and shallots (just a pinch).
now you're done, what a cinch.
a beurre blanc on your food tastes divine.
"
"do you fear that the worst will ensue?
that bad luck always happens to you?
have some faith in the outcome.
what's all of that doubt from?
why catastrophize life as you do?
"
"when i'm spying, i'm used as a dangle;
with enemy agents i tangle.
once they think i've defected,
my ruse undetected
then lets me learn secrets i wangle.
"
"an acid (alloxanic), while dating,
met a base and combined in a mating.
through nobody's fault,
they gave birth to a salt?
an alloxanate well worth the waiting.
"
"you aquaplaners must be insane
to love sport that requires no brain.
duh. get towed by a boat
on a board that can float?
what?  you're kidding.  you're licenced to train?
"
"atom optics, the latest in light,
may surpass even lasers in might.
from cold particle forces:
new imaging sources.
this technology's clean out of sight.
"
"the king's lent us a plot of crown land
for a homestead my wife and i've planned.
he's included a cow,
a good ox and a plow.
with hard work, we can now make a stand.
"
"so flippant and glib are the quips
when facetiousness flows from my lips.
you'll hear comments ironic,
jocose and sardonic
plus tongue-in-cheek freudian slips.
"
"if it's criticalness that you're seeking,
i'm picky with verse i'm critiquing.
this twaddle you've scrawled
leaves me more than appalled?
it's rewriting that's needed, not tweaking.
"
"wrongly sentenced to death by beheading,
execution at dawn's what i'm dreading.
at least when they chop
off my head it will stop
all the tears of regret i've been shedding.
"
"our mobility scooters now cost less:
we've a stockpile of fuel cells, exhaustless.
we're known as the waltz timers,
bros rolling with alzheimer's?
by riding together we're lost less.
"
"with lips puckered, her fella stood waiting
for a buss, when she started berating:
""no, you can't have a kiss
'til you promise me this?
that you will give up farting while dating!""
"
"two old vikings named rekdal and riddal
would meet on the poop deck to fiddle;
thus they gaily explored,
beating up the fjord,
despite wind and a strong urge to piddle.
"
"lady nicola constantine-smith
was betrothed to king henry the fifth,
but before they could wed,
the old boy was found dead...
(he was nearly as old as a myth).
"
"on rereading my limericks inane,
i'm afraid that i've burned out my brain.
they just seem so depraved
that i doubt i'll be saved
from progressively going insane!
"
"though i opened my yearly address
on the mark (i've been known to digress),
my topic, ""the debt"",
seems to now be ""tibet""  ?
where i'll finish is anyone's guess.
"
"to his eve, said young adam with feeling,
""your deciduousness is appealing.
must i wait till the fall
when the trees lose their all
to find out what your fig leaf's concealing?""
"
"a young hard-ridin' wrangler from dallas
met a cowgirl who lassoed his phallus.
though he hollered and cussed,
he got branded and trussed
and hauled off to her trailer park palace.
"
"i'm a headhunter, blessed with tenacity,
seeking skulls with innate perspicacity,
which i sell to those souls
wanting cranial bowls
that won't crack when they're filled to capacity.
"
"ever since he began in his teens,
dear old dad's worn the tightest of jeans,
so his thundering farts
leave no room for his parts
and he (boom!) nearly blows off his beans.
"
"knowing beans are the musical fruit,
howie thought it would be a real hoot
to eat mexican food
to get into the mood
to then fart out a tune on the flute.
"
"equatorial currents flow west;
close to latitude zero they quest.
near the surface they fare
north and south as a pair;
now to row 'cross the ocean's my test.
"
"deducibleness is conducive
to ideas becoming conclusive.
but when logic's disputed
and reason's refuted,
that outcome becomes more elusive.
"
"are you sayin', if i was to heed yer
desensitization procedure,
 that i'd get a healin'
from fear of the ceilin',
and finally no longer need yer?
"
"the new cheerleader's bod was delectable,
but the quarterback's lust was detectable.
thus she managed to parry
his headlong hail mary?
yes, the pass that he made was deflectable.
"
"i belong to an ethnic minority.
(in this culture we're not the majority.)
i'm an old caballero
who wears a sombrero
and loves to quip, ""si, si, seniority"".
"
"since eve's apple faux pas while we gardened,
your resolve, lord, we know you've enhardened
from distaste to revulsion.
but, total expulsion?
emboldened, we beg to be pardoned.
"
"cache exhausted, we've no ammunition.
with none left we can't finish the mission.
retaking this hill
would have been quite a thrill;
now we're pinned in an aimless position.
"
"his sudokus gramps solves in the basement,
in pencil to limit defacement.
he then rubs out the numbers,
wakes gran from her slumbers:
it's her turn, with clean slate erasement.
"
"any husband who'll frequently censure
his wife for displaying her denture
by the sink in the kitchen
had better stop bitchin'
or risk his own toothless adventure.
"
"there's a loop in an eyebolt: a bend;
machined threads form the opposite end.
when secured through a beam
it's an engineer's dream ?
this design allows loads to suspend.
"
"the thyroid's a wonderful gland,
but watch out if it starts to expand.
with an aberrant goiter,
see a doc, do not loiter.
(hope the bill isn't more than you planned.)
"
"of henry the eighth (six times wedded),
tales are told, and of ladies he bedded.
number two, anne boleyn,
henry's heart did not win.
in londontown she was beheaded.
"
"for your bowsprit to work and not fail,
hold it tight with a rope, not a nail.
a thick bobstay will hold
it.  your foremast won't fold,
so it's off to the sea for your sail.
"
"if your kid in chicago is sick
with cancer or blood disease (ick!),
you should not loaf about
or just sit there and pout.
get to herbert t. abelson quick!
"
"be a doc?ask the aamc
for the med schools that most folks agree
teach the best about healing,
have labs most appealing,
and come with a job guarantee.
"
"jane wailed, ""crap! i abhor getting older.
oh, why am i not a bondholder?""
instead she owned stocks
(which are subject to shocks)
that her stockbroker shamelessly sold her.
"
"time to put your old charm to the test:
form a blind pool with bucks you request
from investors who'll pay;
but don't write them or say
what you'll do with the funds they invest.
"
"i've got dough, but i'm stumped:  what to buy?
guess it's time to join aaii.
they will help me invest
(up to now i've just guessed)
so my kids will get bucks when i die.
"
"shining spikes, washing jocks, there's no glitter
doing this?and you can't be a quitter.
he's sure not a loafer;
the batboy's a gofer.
if that job were mine, i'd be bitter.
"
"the starters are great, but they tire
as your team heads for straits that are dire.
but you've bench strength galore;
they can run up the score.
when those fresh legs come in, they're afire.
"
"you look deep in the sky from your car.
something small twinkles there from afar.
astronomical light
that you see in the night
is an astral appearance, a star.
"
"it's a male, whether hamster or deer,
it's how horses react to show fear,
it's a once stylish shoe,
and the writer, pearl, too.
you don't want to see bucks disappear.
"
"if you like cooking meals made from scratch,
use this cut, allumette, on a batch
of potatoes.  recall
that each piece should be small,
more precisely the shape of a match.
"
"abdominal (wheeze) respiration
is your diaphragm's chief occupation.
if (wheeze)  you're exhaling
and feel your lungs failing,
get (wheeze)  some good (wheeze)  medication.
"
"i'm a fish, but i mate on the land
and resemble a gray salamand-
er. i hunt food at night
out of africa's light.
call me ""son of a bichir""?  that's grand.
"
"there are times when i feel sort of grim,
in my pity pool taking a swim.
i awaken each dawn
all alone.  red is gone.
i get bluer just thinking of him.
"
"kelly doesn't know where to begin.
he has varmints clear up to his chin.
since he lacks shooting skill,
he should try overkill;
with a browning machine gun he'll win.
"
"mississippi, the river (not state),
has a marvelous sub-surface trait.
on the bed?look!?surprise!
elevations will rise.
the batture might snag boats of much weight.
"
"to make it through medical school
he would brownnose his profs as a rule.
he became (what a shock)
a proctology doc.
go and see him.  just pull up a stool.
"
"in the back of the house, where we work,
it will frequently look like the cirque
du soleil.  it's intense;
night and day you will sense
that our restaurant kitchen's berserk.
"
"little berries in orange and red
can be seen on the shrubs 'round my spread.
i grow boxthorns with care
for their thorns cause despair.
i got stuck once and bled in my bed.
"
"if your wood prints are only okay,
try to make them the japanese way.
carve your wood, ink it, choose
some nice paper, then use
a good baren for great prints today.
"
"your insurance we have to discuss?
you pick firms that soon fail, then you cuss.
you should use a. m. best.
put these firms to the test.
best's best rating's a great a++.
"
"the fuller's a groove on a sword,
but its false name is much more adored.
a blood channel (to me
sounds like cable tv)
seems cooler, but should be ignored.
"
"watching trafo eat beans was a sight,
and the gas he produced was not slight.
he did something so crass?
put a match by his ass?
and his blue flamer lit up the night.
"
"my son is repelled by brown bread.
he would rather eat bland white instead.
he has other bread musts
such as no seeds or crusts.
it's no wonder his fare gives me dread.
"
"margaritas calm folks when they're nervy,
and cure lots of ills, even scurvy.
triple sec plus tequila
and a bearss lime will heal ya.
but i drank way too much and got curvy.
"
"on one's bike if the axle set breaks
a mechanic should not make mistakes.
with cones, washers and nuts,
if he works like a klutz,
when you ride all you'll feel are the shakes.
"
"a suggestion for you?listen, feller.
your girlfriend likes cheese; go and tell her,
""i bought you, young miss,
some fromage that is swiss?
it's a tiny-holed, gold appenzeller.""
"
"in the kitchen, twelve bowls you are tending
while orders come in; they're unending.
whether sauce, eggs, or batter,
to you it's no matter.
your secret's a ball whisk for blending.
"
"for charitableness you've been lauded,
your generous giving applauded.
though it's true you've helped millions,
few know that your billions
left countless investors defrauded.
"
"benzhexol is something one takes
to control parkinsonian shakes.
that it's been used for years
to recipients' cheers,
attests to the difference it makes.
"
"quite the circulator, she?can't deflate her.
""see you later,"" she waves when i date her;
then she mingles all night
spreading sweetness and light.
she's a joy to behold; don't berate her.
"
"i rebuffed a flirtatious advance
from a wraith at a s?ance in france.
i could see through her clearly:
she would not love me dearly?
we hadn't a ghost of a chance.
"
"prison guards in my face dissed my 'tude;
got the knife fight i won misconstrued.
so i got reassignment:
solitary confinement?
segregation until i'm subdued.
"
"an arthroscopic procedure's my need;
let articular probing proceed.
i was throwing the discus
and tore my meniscus?
incision!  precision!  make speed!
"
"i don't care if it's how your best friend rhymed!
your poem at best is pretend-rhymed:
every line is reversed.
rhyme the last, not the first?
a limerick, sir, must be end-rhymed.
"
"we're all skin bags of bones, said our teachers?
endoskeletal vertebrate creatures.
i know that that's true
cuz my butt bones poke through
when i sit for too long in the bleachers.
"
"in new zealand, i wish you had seen us;
a rifleman flew right between us,
so tiny and cute
in its green and gold suit:
acanthisitta's this little bird's genus.
"
"the respondent's defender confided:
we're ex parte?this hearing's one-sided.
it's your chance to be heard.
what precisely occurred?
nothing's settled, so don't be misguided.
"
"your recumbent bike's fast and you pass
other bikers while saving on gas.
a.s.s. makes demands:
you must steer with your hands
at a height above that of your ass.
"
"the president yelled, ""get them now!
aaf! are you deaf? don't care how!""
see, the army air forces
are fighting war horses,
and foes just sent shots 'cross the bow.
"
"off to far venezuela we go.
they use bolivars down there for dough.
they are good anyplace,
in that great land of grace,
from the sea to tapiropec?.
"
"an alsophila:  moth or a fern?
could be either?there's much we can learn
'bout this flora and fauna.
but i sure don't wanna
for science is not my concern.
"
"you rent space to big stores on the square
and commercial concerns here and there.
your aaa tenants
won't have to do penance.
they have credit: the best anywhere.
"
"""find a number,"" i asked, just for fun.
""let me guess?the first digit is 1.""
though i'm not very bright,
three in ten times i'm right.
benford's law figured out how it's done.
"
"let's go fishing: alaska's the site,
in the gulf where this current's just right.
though it flows counterclockwise,
it's filled up with sockeyes
that yank hard whenever they bite.
"
"you're anemic, dyspeptic, and swollen.
the pain's really bad in your colon.
a disease, aaa,
has you feeling this way?
like your life has been suddenly stolen.
"
"about bodies, let's get realistic,
although it might sound quite simplistic.
your abdomen links
to your bladder, methinks.
the connection's abdominocystic.
"
"your nerve fibers hurt.  there's frustration,
for aberrant regeneration
makes healing them grim.
they won't have their old vim.
oh the pain, it's an awful sensation.
"
"at the abattoir, pete was in shock:
stood stock-still as he stared at the stock.
he no longer could hack it
in meat-cutting's racket
because of severe butcher block.
"
"hard candies are tasty, and yet
they will balter whenever they're wet.
in a bowl or a dish,
keep them dry (they're not fish),
and they won't stick together, i bet.
"
"divorce court is done; it was hell.
i bid house, cash and boat a farewell,
but i'm fighting to keep
my old broken-down jeep
since she wants to deforce it as well.
"
"said the surgeon, ""i need a new tool
to compute the abdominal pool,
so then i won't sweat
how much type o to get.
the blood bank will think it is cool.""
"
"it's a genome that dogs won't think swell,
when it finds a kind host that's a cell.
aav oft remains
a long time causing pains,
so it sounds like the virus from hell.
"
"charles aaron, a doc, studied pain
when appendixes underwent strain.
aaron's sign, named for him,
hurts so much; it is grim.
for most folks, it could drive them insane.
"
"there's a snack made in bath i don't dig.
take a cheek or a jaw from a pig,
then you cure it, then smoke it,
then coat it, and choke it
down?bath chaps to most are not big.
"
"in the lab, they looked far and looked wide
for this peptide! oh my, how they tried!
they were all in a bind;
their research could not find
aash.  it wounded their pride.
"
"each day that the bond market's open
its details and facts keep you hopin'.
the blue list portends
the new bond market trends
so you won't be all blue, sad, and mopin'.
"
"you make wines, but they make people groan.
had you studied your craft, you'd have known
b?tonnage helps; i've heard
it's what's done when you've stirred
up the lees to give wines better tone.
"
"acantho-'s from greek and means ""spine.""
it's a prefix and helps to define
plants with thorns/things vertebral
(used by folks most cerebral),
and tree surgeons think it divine.
"
"warm arepas we're making for lunch.
south americans love them a bunch.
with fresh cornmeal, we make 'em,
then deep fry or bake 'em.
soft middles are wrapped in a crunch.
"
"your lateral rectus just might
need a doc if you can't see what's right
(or what's left). you're a wreck!
you keep turning your neck.
fix this muscle, important for sight.
"
"no, it didn't take too much cajolin'
for the beeb to induce chris j. strolin
to appear on its show
word of mouth and to crow
about lims (yes, it's better than bowlin').
"
"it's the largest of citrus, and can
have a twelve-inch diameter span.
this pamplemousse, too,
gives us ample juice; you
need a sweet bali lemon, young man!
"
"he'll cursorily glance in her bag
and hope it holds big-ticket swag.
she's not really his type
for there's nothing to swipe,
just used tissues, old mints, and a rag!
"
"it's prepared by fermenting some rice,
this nice drink that does not involve vice,
for it's non-alcoholic
and sweet ? you can frolic
with cool amazake on ice.
"
"tell them not to believe evolution.
let us give them another solution.
preach the argument from
design with aplomb
and tell heathens they'll face retribution.
"
"say you're broke and you need a hot meal.
you won't borrow or beg, so you steal.
to avoid getting caught
with your hand in the pot,
you beat feet, which means running with zeal.
"
"on the market floor traders are pissed
as the big board insists they delist
all the stocks that just suck
and cost less than a buck.
selling short was a chance that they missed.
"
"""i need a good look in your gut,""
says your doc, ""but i don't want to cut.
""spread your cheeks; spread 'em wide!
let me put this inside
and my bougie will tell me what's what.""
"
"my friend sven said, ""when men have a yen
for norwegian books now and again,
knowing bokm?l will do,
as will nynorsk?those two
are the dominant tongues in our ken.""
"
"go dig up some bauxite and look
at it closely (inside ev'ry nook).
save those crystals, they might
just be boehmite alright,
but please check your geology book.
"
"black vinegar's made from white rice.
buy a good one, it's well worth the price.
some say tumors can shrink
if this stuff is your drink,
but i'd stick with my doctor's advice.
"
"said the painter, ""it seems like extortion
insisting my art use distortion.""
his manager said,
""this technique buys your bread.""
so to eat, he used altered proportion.
"
"this order has stingrays and skates,
and guitarfish and more flat as slates.
some can ""fly"" with their wings,
some electrocute things;
they're batoidea, known for strange traits.
"
"a stunning young barber named beth
(if you see her you might lose your breath)
is a klutz with a razor,
but that doesn't faze her.
her shaving: a close brush with death.
"
"bathmophobia's not fear of soaps
(so your social life's not on the ropes),
but it is the real fear
of descents very sheer,
such as treacherous stairs or steep slopes.
"
"a tumor once grew in my jaw.
ameloblastoma's a flaw.
a biopsy proved it;
my doctor removed it
and i had to drink through a straw.
"
"""author's proof"" in the publishing trade,
""advanced placement""  for grades that you made,
and ""as purchased"" in cooking
are all ways of looking
at a.p. and how it's remade.
"
"it is lunchtime; i must fill my belly,
so i go to the new delhi deli.
the biryani paste there
is the best anywhere,
but it leaves my mouth dry and breath smelly.
"
"brownie points have no relation
to effort at one's occupation.
there's no need to buck up.
don't work hard, just suck up
for raises or lots more vacation.
"
"there's a plover that hovers around
in new zealand and there is renowned
for its beak, which is bent
a substantial extent
to the right; it's a crookbill i found.
"
"find the stocks that advanced?call them a;
then there's d's for declines (price decay).
graph the a to d slope,
predicting, you hope,
how the markets will move and which way.
"
"stealing sam got a job (what elation!)
at the top feces lab in the nation.
he stole the lab's stash
of fine crap (good as cash).
he defalcated prime defecation.
"
"oh, that little broom plant's a delight,
so i'll use and abuse it tonight.
here's the plan i will hatch:
to its roots i'll attach.
i'm a broomrape, a plant parasite.
"
"an old termite had no use for beer
but walked into an inn by the pier.
he saw fixtures of wood
which he thought looked quite good
and he asked, ""is the bar tender here?""
"
"you're in france, all your crops are a-growin'.
it's summer, your goat's milk is flowin'.
now, don't make a mistake?
use that raw milk to make
banon cheese, and with pride you'll be glowin'.
"
"you hate gun control, richard, good grief!
now you want to give weapons to beef?
you said, ""arm roast's for me!""
oh, but now can i see
it's the top of the chuck:  what relief!
"
"it's the heavens as seen in the day,
some impractical views you portray,
or the laws made for stocks
that are nothing but schlocks.
a nice blue sky looks better than gray.
"
"defensatives shield and protect
against problems that try to subject
you to ailments, attack,
psychic harm, even plaque,
or whatever could leave your life wrecked.
"
"to my niece, who seems never to cease
finding parts of my car to degrease:
""drop the rag! give me peace!
quit your silly caprice!
i don't own it; it's just on a lease.""
"
"i was wise to devise a surprise
'cause these guys in thin ties proselytize
at my door every day.
so, to scare them away,
my new catapult launches cream pies.
"
"culex: genus of common mosquito
(a bug that i'd sure like to veto).
they infested my car
which now smells under par
'cause i swatted them with my burrito.
"
"either challah or hallah, i've read,
is how jews spell this yeast-leavened bread,
which they braid and then bake,
but must wait to partake
until after the motzi is said.
"
"when he paid his devoirs to the queen
the marine was told, ""please keep it clean.""
but he let rip a fart,
which was not at all smart;
now his duties are in the latrine.
"
"don't degrade me; i really am smart.
just ignore that darn ""d"" grade in art.
all my work has degraded
since mommy persuaded
my dad to divorce and depart.
"
"to our bar, one fine morn late last year,
came a ham and some eggs wanting beer.
but our bouncer got sore,
quickly showed them the door
as he said, ""we don't serve breakfast here.""
"
"defensins are peptides.  they're in
plants and insects and birds and one's skin.
they're a natural foe
of bacteria, though
they did not keep these zits off my chin.
"
"my old apple peeler works great;
i can skin granny smiths by the crate.
i attract lots of guys
with my cobblers and pies,
then i drop 'em for putting on weight.
"
"bulimics might eat every crumb up
but share a sad state?let me sum up:
soon after they swallow
some puking will follow.
the food that went down will soon come up.
"
"polar winter is always a bummer;
if a gal is not clothed, it will numb her.
as it warms, very often,
dirt and hearts will both soften.
active layers, they thaw in the summer.
"
"we're eating arame tonight.
when it's served, i will eat every bite.
whether salad or soup,
i would jump through a hoop
to consume this far eastern delight.
"
"he's got hair that's quite bushy and red.
witty carrot top makes lots of bread
using props and quick jokes
that amuse lots of folks.
it's a shtick most comedians dread.
"
"the consultants declared at the start,
""we buy agency work ? la carte.
one-stop marketers try
to do all.  that won't fly.
we let specialists deal with each part.""
"
"my house is quite old; there i mope.
i want plumbing; but 'til then i cope.
i get clean at a place
called a bath house:  a space
where i wash, but i don't pick up soap.
"
"in the u.s. three firms grade the banks,
making sure that they're not run by cranks.
there are no shades of gray:
if all say ""aaa,""
it's a triple a plus?there it ranks.
"
"""brown sugar, why do you taste good?""
so asked mick from the stage where he stood.
around midnight a queen
from a tent show he'd seen
told him, ""go ask the boyz in the hood.""
"
"while looking for shells on the beach face,
i met a young lass dressed in peach lace.
the surf 'round us waved
and my thoughts were depraved.
i just wished that real soon i would reach base.
"
"if a stock once was high, then it's low,
it's a blow-off top.  now you should go
out to buy it! it's true
that a spike's overdue;
sell it right and you'll make lots of dough.
"
"her devisal was thoroughly planned:
snag a guy with some oceanfront land
who had not long to live.
his devisal would give
her his real estate down on the strand.
"
"to a bar walked a bear for one cause,
which was known when he opened his jaws:
""mornin' bud.  over here,
would you bring me..............................a beer?""
then the barkeep asked, ""why the big pause?""
"
"tight-lipped benny had asked me to sup;
i was happy and really dressed up.
over coffee was when
he said, ""cupulate?"" then
i freaked out. (it means ""shaped like a cup."")
"
"we'll defeminize billy today,
even though it's quite certain he's gay.
hide his girl toys with care,
chuck his purse, cut his hair,
take his skirt...oops!  our effort's astray.
"
"in her roles, c. cezon was so purty.
with the stooges, she got very flirty.
but not everyone knows
that in seventeen shows
she was perry's receptionist, gertie.
"
"dex the dextrer is feeling quite blue
since his days as a war horse are through.
he can no longer race
into battle.  let's face
it; his future is gonna be glue.
"
"our king is a regal fanatic
who has never removed his dalmatic
or his crown since the day
he was crowned; makes me pray
for the day that our land's democratic.
"
"the great cannonball adderley's sax
can be savored on hundreds of tracks.
his eponymous band
had a sound that was grand;
download mercy, sit back, and relax.
"
"i tried to dehort bob from wedding
young sally, the girl he'd been bedding.
""i swear it's a trap;
she gave ten guys the clap.
to hell's where your life will be heading.""
"
"aum tells my friend, farmer gray,
how much forage each horse puts away
in a month. then he knows
what to get when he goes
to the fields where he loads up the hay.
"
"over criminalness i obsess;
won't be bribed by illegal largess.
you have wrongs to redress
and i'll see you confess;
i don't care if it's under duress.
"
"men want gals with round buns firm and spanky,
set atop shapely legs long and lanky,
though saddle bags flanky
and cellulite skanky
don't seem to deter hanky-panky.
"
"big bluestem's a type of wild grass;
on the plains it grows up past your ass.
it feeds cattle as forage,
or as hay kept in storage ?
in lawns, it's a weed with no class.
"
"crouched consideringly over his ball,
sam surveyed the eighth green.  what a call ?
the high lie on one rim
meant that chances were slim
that his 30-foot birdie would fall.
"
"where strippers with beauty that boggles are,
and tables with jiggles and joggles are,
will a goddess appear
now that closing time's near?
that depends on how beer-fogged your goggles are.
"
"aquitanian vineyards abound
here in gascony, france, where i've found
a land warm, sweet and quiet,
a baguette and cheese diet,
and a vat of bordeaux to be downed.
"
"well, i've viewed it and here's the straight poop:
your new dvd disc is a dupe.
it's a poorly made copy
with audio choppy
and video clear as pea soup.
"
"good sir bedevere did, for king's sake,
cast excalibur into the lake.
a fair hand in the mist
caught the sword in a fist,
as arthurian legend bespake.
"
"he's a dupe ? one who's easily cheated,
as in earnest my pitch is repeated.
since he doesn't perceive
the old ruse that i weave,
soon he'll find his life savings depleted.
"
"your wild concepts are not deprehensible.
i just don't understand ? they're not sensible.
you can't possibly teach
the conclusions you reach ?
without logic, they won't be defensible.
"
"dave's not here, but come in, grab a bong
and i'll get out some old cheech and chong.
don't smoke pot?  sit a spell;
you will still laugh like hell
even though you think drug use is wrong.
"
"by the light of the moon you can see
my checkrows of corn. here's the key:
i can easily till it,
then grow it, distill it,
and bottle it up one-two-three.
"
"by a fire you want to relax,
and you've given this tree forty whacks.
but you can't warm a flea
since the devilwood tree
is a pain in the ass for your axe.
"
"in daman, wanda wanted to run
for dewan when her son was just one.
but the boy liked to whine
and he puked on a shrine.
that mistake, it just couldn't be spun.
"
"skipper yelled, ""grab that rope on the deck!""
""you mean contline and rope,"" answered peck.
""that's the groove  between strands.""
skip, with rope in his hands,
wrapped it twice around peck's little neck.
"
"this is calambac: resinous wood
with a scent most describe as quite good.
some folks chew it.  not i?
i make incense.  that's why
i've the best-smelling house in the 'hood.
"
"perillus's bronze bull was used
as a torture device.  it amused
all the greeks as they looked,
watching someone get cooked.
such atrocities can't be excused.
"
"as the ""queen of the coop"" at the farm,
chicken helen was causing alarm:
she would peck all the chicks.
farmer jones had a fix.
he debeaked her; she'll do no more harm.
"
"a chemostat is a precise
bacteria-growing device.
if you earn compensation
to study mutation,
get two or three; that should suffice.
"
"decipiency overtook brad
and he thought that his dog was his dad.
he saw chairs that could dance,
big green ants in his pants,
and large tea-drinking bears dressed in plaid.
"
"""what's this?""  ""what are those?""  ""can you name 'em?""
his questions so irk and inflame 'em,
men he'd sought to offend
contrive socrates' end.
and honestly, folks, could you blame 'em?
"
"caesar came.  caesar saw.  caesar's plan
was successful: the enemy ran.
then he squeezed all of that
into three words of lat-
in. (i'd quote 'em, if only they'd scan.)
"
"the world over, from cork to khartoum,
the call of the owl, bird of doom,
is a doleful ""to whoo!""
though the scholarly few
who know grammar insist on ""to whoom!""
"
"it's as far as recycling has got.
and it's green, eco-friendly... the lot.
it's a real manly diet
(and womanly).  try it.
give cannibalism a shot.
"
"lots of india's film fans, i'd say,
must regret the changed name of bombay:
for those who think bollywood
really was jolly good,
mullywood's short on cachet.
"
"the peer brummel met on the row
had the corpulent regent in tow.
coolly keeping his head
when the prince cut him dead,
""milord, who's your fat friend?"" queried beau.
"
"in lahore and land's end and lucerne,
you will notice the arsis astern.
but in chusan and chester
and lisbon and leicester
the arsis afore, you'll discern.
"
"i've changed my opinion of you.
i thought you were false, but you're true.
i no longer despise
or anathematise
you. i think you're too good to beshrew.
"
"you once were the looked-down-upon-est
of crooks, into sleaze the far-gone-est.
all that's past, billionaire.
buy a peerage from blair.
you've got on.  now get honour ? then honest.
"
"as a judge i play hard, by the book;
i would never be soft on a crook.
i give all villains time,
whatsoever the crime
(although bushwhacking i'd overlook).
"
"i am staff, a brass hat, a plan-setter.
carry out my commands to the letter.
in the war 'gainst the huns
i'm behind the big guns;
and the further behind 'em, the better.
"
"the garter's conferred by the crown
on a man in an ankle-length gown,
with plantagenet hose
and a motto that goes,
""oh, honey, your silk's hanging down.""
"
"aw, come on now! get real! sure, it's sad
little issa was bombed in baghdad.
but a war crime? no way!
these things happen. okay?
just collateral damage. too bad.
"
"at loving we're not all that great
in our natural, secular state.
but let us accede
to some dogma or creed,
and, by god, how we humans can hate!
"
"as a critic, ms parker demoted
any book she thought overpromoted.
""i fwew up.""  her review
sank milne's winnie the pooh.
sad to say, it has since been refloated.
"
"aphrodisiac-makers demand
that plato's symposium be banned.
its claim that affection
is best sans erection
does not help their market expand.
"
"in her daughter's bed, mom, who is prim,
catches sight of a masculine limb.
she cries, ""surely that's not
a young gentleman, dot?""
""one moment,"" says dot, ""i'll ask him.""
"
"theological works by aquinas
aren't noted for laughs; and the dryness
and length of his summa,
a lethal mind-number,
to godlessness could well incline us.
"
"""does my liking agnostics seem odd?
well, at least these folk don't give the nod
to beliefs that induce
men, with me their excuse,
to slaughter each other,"" says god.
"
"new year's day: i resolve on ignoring
jokes with sexual themes, such as whoring.
while a few might have class,
most are juvenile, crass,
unoriginal, sexist and boring.
"
"a reviewer sans fear or remorse,
total truth was dot's constant recourse.
""not a book,"" she once sighed,
""to toss lightly aside.
you should hurl it with maximum force.""
"
"i'm a torrent of verse in full spate.
i write lims like a bull at a gate.
i'm no lit'rary star,
but my anapests are,
if not first, then at least fecund rate.
"
"ya are, let me tell ya, in trub.  ya
have turned half baghdad into rub.  ya
have traded saddam
for a second vietnam.
no tet yet?  it's a-comin', g. dubya.
"
"a borough's a place folk inhabit,
not fast-breeding rodents, dagnabit!
in america, though,
they pronounce it ""burrow"".
to us brits that's the home of a rabbit.
"
"now, the flesh of the waterhorse, sweet
though it may be, is bland.  should you eat
hippopotami, dear,
sip a pot o' my beer,
which i brew to add flavour to meat.
"
"my best dish in the factory canteen
is porridge.  sez dad, ""do you mean
that your favourite course is
a grain grown for horses?""
""no fodder,"" i say. ""oat cuisine!""
"
"fancy tarts can't be served with the wine,
and those crisp baps are way out of line.
as for duck fricassee,
y'can chuck it, for me.
dr spooner is coming to dine.
"
"""dear lenin,"" said lovelorn krupskaya,
""in your pillow talk when we retire,
please, don't murmur of marx:
it is seldom he sparks,
in a bolshevik even, desire.""
"
"thomas hobbes said we ought to be glad
to have laws, be they ever so bad.
lawless life was, he taught,
nasty, brutish and short.
you want proof?  take a look at baghdad.
"
"aristotle, whom more than a few
think the greatest of minds, held the view
that each star must adhere
to a vast crystal sphere.
but i think that's all balls.  how 'bout you?
"
"that's my masterpiece; stop throwing darts.
it's much more than the sum of its parts.
so please put down that can;
it says a.r.a., man:
from the royal acad'my of arts.
"
"the corybants drummed and they played
many instruments in their parade,
and that quick ""tic-tic-tic""
was the crotalum's click,
as athenians shimmied and swayed.
"
"from norway he comes, a clinician,
geneticist, pediatrician;
he's a knight (and he's so suave),
of the order st. olav:
dagfinn aarskog is quite the physician.
"
"the allmans, a band quite renowned,
stands alone with its southern rock sound,
'cause they choose to infuse
rock with jazz and the blues.
their guitar work is truly profound.
"
"my kitty cat mews in frustration
as a develin shrieks with elation.
it flies past my flat
and so riles the cat
that she might have to take medication.
"
"the isle of man is the place
where a deemster is whom you will face
in a criminal court.
isle news will report
how the deemster has ruled in your case.
"
"if craps is the game that one chooses
to play on caribbean cruises,
the dealer's not cruel
when he tells you this rule:
""on each roll, seven wins, seven loses.""
"
"we cremated my dear mommy, kate,
and her ashes were kept on a plate.
when a breeze through the door
blew a bit to the floor,
dad said, ""looks like our kate's lost some weight.""
"
"my deorsumduction gives views:
one's your face, one pans down to your shoes.
my good eye stays still
but the other one will
rotate down.  they are weird baby blues.
"
"jazz greats monk, davis, ellington, too
had john coltrane's cool sax in the brew.
for its smooth soulful sound,
his own band was renowned.
he died young, which left fans kind of blue.
"
"it's a quote almost all of us know,
but it isn't correct, as i'll show.
when the poor had no bread
what the queen of france said
was, ""qu'ils mangent de la brioche.""  (cake's g?teau.)
"
"for a cricketing vicar it pays
to bowl googlies.  my archbishop says:
""play as much as you can;
the church values a man
who's an adept at turning both ways.""
"
"at times, when i'm asked to opine
on prime minister blair, i incline
to declare he's a bleep,
bleep duplicitous creep.
(but that's just when i'm feeling benign.)
"
"the only french words that i know
mean ""tomcat"" and ""water"" ? chat, eau.
when these two words combine
in the name of a wine
does it mean the bouquet's a k.o.?
"
"the beaver builds dams where it mates;
the spider weaves webs where it waits;
and the rabbit digs holes.
but it's feathery stoles
that the boa-constructor creates.
"
"in the home of the bean and the cod
boston cabots speak only to god.
if you greet one with ""hi"",
don't expect a reply ?
though a lowell, of course, gets a nod.
"
"life's a race.  set the pace.  blaze the trail.
life's a quest.  seek the best.  find your grail.
drive yourself.  go for gold.
shape yourself.  break the mould
that confines and defines and makes stale.
"
"all the limericks i learned in my youth
were bawdy and coarse and uncouth.
today, most that i find
are both chaste and refined.
is that cause for applause or for ruth?
"
"when there's only one item, say some,
agenda becomes agendum.
if the rule here implied
were applied far and wide,
would an amazon's bra be a brum?
"
"around me the indians clustered,
as, full of bravado, i blustered.
but i trembled like jello
and turned sickly yellow
when a brave whispered, ""paleface, you're custer'd.""
"
"on our holy book's every line
are the words of god, sacred, divine.
you ask how we can know?
'cos the book tells us so.
take a look.  it's on page forty-nine.
"
"the french revolution was not
the most peaceful of times. the mob got
somewhat over-inflamed.
which is why they were named
the canaille, a.k.a. sans-cool lot.
"
"though the fleshly delights once enjoyed're
reduced in old age, unalloyed're
the pleasures of viewin'
affliction and ruin
strike others.  long live schadenfreude!
"
"the crazier, viler the creed,
the greater the effort you need
to believe. and the strain
of belief turns your brain
to a bog wherein bigotries breed.
"
"caligula (gibbon's my source)
gave a high-profile post to his horse.
horses aren't seen today
in top jobs with high pay.
why?  they're all filled by asses, of course.
"
"all the court had the closest of shaves,
only just missing watery graves,
on the beach where canute
proved beyond all dispute
that britannia did not rule the waves.
"
"dare i say it?  i've got to.  it's true.
i hate dogs and the things that they do.
though their owners might bleat,
when they crap in the street,
well, i'd shoot 'em (perhaps the dogs, too).
"
"it was once deemed a sin black as soot
to place at a sentence's foot
a mere preposition.
""absurd superstition,
up with which,"" churchill roared, ""i'll not put.""
"
"out of charity no-one would kill,
nor in hope would they seek to do ill.
but with faith some deceive
their own selves, and believe
that by killing they're doing god's will.
"
"what are these old pants, would you say?
one leg has been cut clean away.
said the man in the know
at the antiques roadshow,
""they are long john's long johns.  worth 10k.""
"
"human intellects do not combine
just by addin'.  they need multiply'n'.
that is why halfwits twain
have one fourth of a brain
and committees show barely a sign.
"
"research has conclusively shown
that people now dead are all known
to have once been alive.
if you're wise, you will strive
to leave living severely alone.
"
"que sera, folks, sera.  don't delay
when destiny calls you.  obey!
we retreat or advance
not through merit, but chance,
because fate keeps on happ'ning.  okay?
"
"an irrational fear, i agree;
but i dread that some day i will be
in a lift that is crammed,
while the damn doors are jammed.
we're all trapped.  and i'm bustin' to pee!
"
"when a film deals with sex, straight or gay,
in a juvenile, prurient way;
when it's crass, immature
and inane, then be sure,
""it is adult,"" its makers will say.
"
"fellow scotsmen, of course, would assume
his name rhymed, not with foam, but with fume.
but sassenachs said it
the way that they read it.
so he altered the spelling to ""hume"".
"
"a hen, of the cock on his lek syst-
ematically making her checks, hissed:
""our roles here, i find,
are by gender assigned.
the trouble with sex is it's sexist.""
"
"gods, like pop stars, have fans who adore 'em;
some fanatics who kill and die for 'em.
it's from these that we know
tantum religio
potuit suadere malorum.
"
"this great admonition, of course, is
one that each thinking person endorses:
""i don't care what you do.
just don't do it in view
of the street. it might frighten the horses.""
"
"""you can stop reading now,"" said the don.
""we won't need the whole chapter of john.""
""but,"" cried oscar, perplexed,
""what on earth happens next?
i must know.  do let me read on.""
"
"said the tourist to molly, ""my dear,
can you tell me if dublin is near?""
but the colleen said, ""no.
and if i were to go
off to dublin, i'd not start from here.""
"
"two brewers, to see whose is best,
arrange a laboratory test
of their ales.  oh, the wails,
when the analyst mails:
""both these horses are sick and need rest.""
"
"no, i'm not the great lover of yore.
where it matters i no longer score.
as i age i decline,
but i do not repine.
no hard feelings?  well, not any more.
"
"the palace of westminster's where,
when he's dead, they will take tony blair
for a lying in state,
an appropriate fate:
lying statements were what he made there.
"
"we're all setting our sights far too high,
expecting too much of this guy.
so let's get off his back.
cut some slack for barack.
he can't walk upon water, or fly.
"
"""any highroad to england,"" said he.
many sassenachs tend to agree
with the cham when they choose
caledonian views
of the sort they're most anxious to see.
"
"blair is going.  i pray he will reap
what he's sown, that the future will heap
on him all that's his due,
and that nature speaks true
and so says of him, ""this was a creep!""
"
"religious folk make me irate.
how they irritate me when they prate!
they're bothersome bodies
i think of as ""goddies"".
and they're right when they say, ""goddies grate!""
"
"it's to do with the age that i'm at.
short-term memory?  i've less than a gnat.
world war ii, i recall:
last weekend, not at all.
(last weekend? last weekend? when was that?)
"
"what a blow the young virgin was dealt,
how uttterly foolish she felt,
when a stopcock, she learned,
was a tap that you turned:
she had thought 'twas a chastity belt.
"
"""defying tradition is rash?""
cried churchill. ""complete balderdash!
traditions at sea?
why, they only have three:
rum, sodomy, sir, and the lash.""
"
"""it is sweet and becoming to die
for your country,"" you say?  well, just try
telling that to some joe
in baghdad, where they know
wilfred owen was right.  it's a lie.
"
"my aim is avoidance of strife.
i flee from the gun and the knife.
better run for a mile,
be a coward awhile,
than be dead for the rest of your life.
"
"the rspb's put a ban
on a four-letter word. members plan
to make birds' names pc,
saying ""atoo"" and ""pea"".
and on cheques they will put their john han.
"
"slimy tony has bowed out for good.
ah, g dubya, if only you would!
for, as presidents go,
sir, your ratings are low.
so, as presidents go, sir, you should.
"
"when a grizzly escaped from the zoo
and pursued 'em, jack said, ""we are through.
we've less speed than this bear.""
jill said, ""jack, i don't care,
just as long as i've more speed than you.""
"
"using any old word that will do
for a rhyme, i pretend that it's ""new"".
then i modestly claim
that the bard did the same.
if one genius can do it, can't two?
"
"we've had nine, if you count the confessor.
(kings edward, that is.)  the successor
to victoria's throne
was her eldest son, known
as ""bertie"" or ted the caressor.
"
"if you fancy yourself as a tugger
of other men's shirttails, a hugger
of other men's bums
in formations called scrums,
play the game whose apt name rhymes with bugger.
"
"profundity, i've often found,
isn't easy to get your head round.
so i write to bemuse,
baffle, con and confuse.
and my readers think, ""gee, he's profound!""
"
"i'll breathe easier when i've confessed,
got this black load of guilt off my chest,
from the closet stepped out,
faced my feeling about
man's best friends. they are pests i detest.
"
"televangelist heads up my list
of words that just shouldn't exist.
what's the use of this term
when we've con man and worm
to describe crooks who wouldn't be missed?
"
"i'm as green as a person can be.
no recycler is keener than me.
as i empty my plate,
i recycle a mate.
i'm a cannibal.  do come for tea.
"
"as they blow themselves up in god's name,
do suicide bombers exclaim,
""while we're happy to die,
we can't help wonder why
those who send us do not do the same""?
"
"i'm a gal who likes sex.  it's a blast.
but fellas were often too fast.
so now, when i date 'em,
i warn that i rate 'em.
the nice guys compete to come last.
"
"life's the name of the game that we're in,
and it's life we're competing agin.
play is challenging, tough:
there's no fairway, just rough.
and there's only one rule: you can't win.
"
"when promoting french cheeses, do see
that you have the brands off to a t.
if you don't get these right,
then you very well might
find yourself talking up the wrong brie.
"
"long ago, when the news-gath'ring squad
of the nazareth times got the nod
to report a sensation-
al annunciation,
local girl, ran their headline, mates god.
"
"here's some useful advice: if you've got
contact lenses, to clean them do not
ever use a used tissue,
lest, wiping with this, you
glue 'em tight to your eyeballs with snot.
"
"on his deathbed the atheist said,
""i foresee a small problem ahead.
when we quit mortal strife,
there is no afterlife.
so how will i know that i'm dead?""
"
"'tis a truth universally known
that jane austen was frequently prone
to face a dilemma
when dialling emma,
since bell had not yet made his phone.
"
"they are two out of six in the nest;
each is ten times as long as the rest.
ces oeufs (to the gallic)
are brazenly phallic.
what are they?  freud eggs, i suggest.
"
"""in my speech, i must say, i'm regarded,""
he said, ""as both tactful and guarded.
but i have to declare
that a fool i can't bear.""
""how strange,"" murmured dotty, ""your ma did.""
"
"said a pom living near murrurundi,
""this place is the pits, anus mundi.""
but his comment fell flat,
for the aussies thought that
was the day that came after low sundi.
"
"to say indian many decline,
although native american's fine.
they're not sikhs or hindus
or parsees, so we use...
the name of a dead florentine?
"
"on her deathbed, queen caroline said,
""please re-marry, george, once i am dead.""
but the king shed a tear,
and said, ""never, my dear!
i'll have mistresses, darling, instead.""
"
"where today we write ""s"", as in ""legs"",
bygone times they wrote ""f"", as in ""begf"".
fo our forebearf forebore
any ufe of that faw
about teaching our granf to perform fimple everyday tafkf.
"
"today canter's a word for the stride
at which pilgrims were wont once to ride.
becket's murder was sad,
but  we've cause to be glad
that sodbury's not where he died.
"
"there were three in that murderous crew.
one's been hanged, so today there are two.
and this criminal pair?
wanted: bush. wanted: blair.
justice waits. she has work still to do.
"
"q and a on the grub i've just bought:
fast food? that's my lenten resort;
junk food? that's the scoff
chinese sailors live off;
bush tucker? well... not food for thought.
"
"she leapt from the shower with a yell:
""this soap's got a horrible smell!
what is it, carbolic?
it sure smells phenolic!
now where is my rose-scented gel?""
"
"aglossia: robber of speech.
if a teacher, then how would you teach?
and how could you savour
your food and its flavour?
with no tongue, could a priest ever preach?
"
"between the large bowel and the small,
is a structure anatomists call
the caecum. inside,
helpful enzymes reside,
lysing cellulose (viz plant cell wall).
"
"in the days when the liner was queen
of the ocean your choice would have been:
first class travel (preferred),
tourist (one of the herd),
or go cabin class (that's in-between).
"
"underpaid, overworked, heart of gold,
food to cook, house to clean, clothes to fold.
she's a carer, that's all,
but she answers their call.
loves her job looking after the old.
"
"i've heard that a bricklaying builder
built houses so fast that she filled a
small county with mansions,
used bricks, but no stanchions;
alas, all soon crumbled, and killed 'er.
"
"as the crusty old colonel admitted,
it's to cavalry twill he's committed:
woollen fabric that's tough,
so he chooses the stuff
when his trousers are tailored and fitted.
"
"in its tough little acorn-shaped shell
this wee barnacle's happy to dwell
in the ocean. he's stuck
to the rocks, where he'll tuck
into plankton, and weather the swell!
"
"roman horace was minded to say
that he thought folks should live for today;
carpe diem! he said,
for you'll all soon be dead
and may never get grizzled and grey.
"
"as his family watched with dismay,
and the cancer progressed day by day,
undernourished and pale,
he was thin as a rail,
from cachexia, wasting away.
"
"a cluster should, logically, clust,
and bluster, as logically, blust.
but our words seldom play
by the rules, though they say,
at li'l bighorn, george custer sure cussed.
"
"the viler the creed that's professed,
the harder it is to digest.
indigestion makes vile
theological bile
that in  murderous rage is expressed.
"
"all those japanese backpackers throng
into lakeland for wordsworth? no! wrong!
you might think it funny,
but benjamin bunny
has pulling-power ten times as strong.
"
"no sylph, mae was busty and beamy.
she spoke in tones sultry and steamy:
""in your pocket, ol' son,
are y' hidin' a gun?
or are y' jes happy t' see me?""
"
"they are killing each other.  look! there!
yes, there, too.  there, as well.  you know where.
and they kill in the name
of the god they acclaim
with kalashnikov-clamorous prayer.
"
"with good sexual technique any girl'd
pretty soon have a man tightly curled
round her finger; and there
he would learn that the fair
hand that cradles the rocks rules the world.
"
"were english consistent, then south
would rhyme with uncouth, as would mouth;
every plaster would plast,
each disaster disast;
and singular youth would be thouth.
"
"i'm a humourless prig.  i detect
heinous thought crimes all round.  i suspect
every innocent word.
i'm a nerd.  i'm absurd.
but, politically, am i correct!
"
"when the israelites said to him, ""mo',
you carved those yourself"", he said, ""so?
these here words are god's own.
but i broke the first stone.
'i don't re-write,' god said. 'it's your show.'""
"
"it's something a man with an eye for
a bargain would bid pretty high for.
rosewood; fittings of gold;
lined with silk; must be sold:
this coffin's a casket to die for.
"
"on the field none compared with george best.
but half his high pay, he confessed,
was expended in bars,
on fast women and cars.
""and,"" sighed george, ""i just wasted the rest.""
"
"it wasn't my fault, i insist.
this great ship, tearing past in the mist,
caused one hell of a crash,
giving me a large gash
and itself an appreciable list.
"
"she was virginal, chaste, and so pure,
thoughts of sex she could never endure.
so, to keep these at bay,
on her cello she'd play,
sitting side-saddle just to make sure.
"
"we worship in churches, i've read,
'cos religions are mostly man-led.
but if women held sway
we would probably pray
in sanctified shoe shops instead.
"
"i'm a cannibal vegan.  this means
i've lived mainly on lentils and beans,
but i've frequently chewed
an ecologist stewed,
'cos my mum says i must eat my greens.
"
"it's a truth every one of us knows:
round in circles is how the world goes.
we proposed a new start.
and we got? bonaparte!
plus ?a change, plus ?a reste la m?me chose.
"
"""don't look at red wine,"" is the stark
admonition of god, which i mark.
in the full light of day
i just drink chardonnay,
leaving crimson shiraz till it's dark.
"
"if hollywood said it, we'd cry:
""oh, what rubbish!  what rot! all my eye!""
but it's true!  there were two
u.s. presidents who
died the very same fourth of july.
"
"from her talk, parker said, you'd have guessed
that my ma-in-law liked to ingest
dactyls benedict; snack
on a poached amphibrach;
or make lunch of a boiled anapest.
"
"of all animals, which would you say
were the cleverest?  mammals?  no way!
the smartest, most fly
are ephemera.  why?
'cause these creatures weren't born yesterday.
"
"sydney smith, were he here, might have said
blair and bush are to honesty dead.
mere words never would,
only surgery could
get the truth into either man's head.
"
"if descartes was correct to insist
that without thought we do not exist,
then g. bush and t. blair
simply wouldn't be there.
and neither of them would be missed.
"
"""there's no god,"" the fool said in his heart.
which just shows, self-deluders apart,
that we don't need much brain
to grasp truths that are plain
to a man who's a long way from smart.
"
"don't you misunderestimate don.
his works will endure, though he's gone.
there is no going back
to undo, in iraq,
the hell he helped make. death goes on.
"
"said george, ""my advisory panel
agrees my new textile-based plan'll
be sure to redress
all iraqi distress.
(and if serge doesn't work, i'll use flannel.)""
"
"a wit of renowned verbal skill
heard another speak  words that could kill,
and he said, feeling flat,
""how i wish i'd said that!""
and max beerbohm said, ""oscar, you will.""
"
"""that bevan,"" said bevin, ""is a hound,
just a self-seeking humbug, a scound-
rel, who, some say, i know,
is his own greatest foe.
but he ain't.  not while i'm still around.""
"
"sir charles was both learned and suave.  he
commanded his manservant, ravi:
""tell hq that i've won.
but be brief: use this pun.
don't say, 'i have sind.' say, 'peccavi'.""
"
"tell me: what is the city shown here,
grey and grim and unpeopled and drear?
not a soul can i see.
where on earth can it be?
aberdeen on a flag day, my dear.
"
"""devils live!"" said the preacher in tones
hard as steel.  and i feel, in my bones,
that he's right to insist
fallen angels exist,
for who else would invent mobile phones?
"
"ballyshannon, in old donegal,
had a river with many a fall.
but a dam was constructed,
and the flow was obstructed:
what was wild, now is shrunken and small.
"
"brachytherapy works from within,
using caesium: something akin
to a bullet that's magic
prevents cancer's tragic
terminality: patients can win.
"
"real ale is a wonderful thing;
not lager, for that doesn't bring
the depth and the flavour
that beer drinkers savour:
choose cask, pull a pump, not a ring!
"
"the cardia isn't the heart:
it's the stomach ? the uppermost part;
epithelium lined,
(as columnar defined),
the oesophagus ends: there's its start.
"
"on a balmy and bright summer's day,
caravanners will get in your way,
blocking up all the roads
with their unwieldy loads.
how those trailers meander and sway!
"
"the carotid, at each bifurcation,
has a sinus (a small dilatation);
if your heart beats too quickly,
and makes you feel sickly,
then the doc gives the spot stimulation.
"
"""i'm a woman,"" she growled, ""not a guy,""
as i perched on her large hairy thigh.
""it's not a mutation,
but virilization:
my adrenals are pumping sky-high.""
"
"calcitonin keeps calcium in
all your bones, so they don't get too thin.
it's a skeletal boost
by this hormone; produced
in the thyroid (the c cells within).
"
"he stood tall with his girl by his side,
carved their names in the tree with such pride.
but she married his brother,
and now she's a mother.
he's carved up by his lady who lied.
"
"it swung and it hung and it jiggled.
she grabbed it, and that's when it wriggled.
""oh my goodness,"" she cried.
""now what's wrong?"" he replied.
""you're caudate,"" she gasped: then she giggled.
"
"there's a pathway that can't aim to heal,
that gives drugs that will just make him feel
free of pain and at peace,
as he waits for release:
that's the ""care of the dying"" ideal.
"
"did she swipe you with one of her paws?
got a wound from those long, lethal claws?
do you feel rough as hell?
swollen lymph nodes as well?
cat scratch fever is surely the cause.
"
"are the pressures of workload increasing?
are the needs of your patients unceasing?
fewer members of staff?
(workforce cut by a half:)
call in sick, it's quite tension-releasing.
"
"hypertension, though silent, can kill,
so the docs use an excellent pill.
if you take it for life,
you'll outlive your dear wife:
stick to captopril ? that fits the bill!
"
"the carpel has stigma and style;
like all females, it seeks to beguile.
it's the feminine part
flowers hide in their heart,
till a bee takes the bride up the aisle.
"
"ashy pet is an old irish phrase
that is used when a dog spends its days
safe from cold, wet and mire,
snuggled up by the fire,
keeping warm by the bright, warming blaze.
"
"she was bullied, and battered, and bruised;
as a wife, she was sorely abused.
so she wired up his shoes,
flipped the switch, blew his fuse:
though accused, she was quickly excused.
"
"they took alcohol, morphine, cocaine;
made a cocktail, ""the brompton"", by name.
sweet elixir of peace,
it brought rest and release,
and an end to the cancer's cruel pain.
"
"you know botox? it smoothes every line,
which for ladies who lunch is just fine.
do you know how it functions
at neuromuscular junctions?
it stops pain, and in double quick time.
"
"is that me i can see way down there?
what a sight! i'm asleep in my chair.
far below me, i smiled ?
this autoscopy's wild!
as i float up on high in the air.
"
"""do you like giggling girls?"" i asked don.
he replied in a voice weak and wan:
""i have reached life's december.
i cannot remember.
it's so long since i last giggled one.""
"
"we drank wine until gone one o'clock.
now i feel like my skull's hit a rock.
i've a headache i rue.
the old adage is true:
pain post hock really is propter hock.
"
"as they wandered the desert, they fed
upon manna.  ""oh, jews,""  moses said,
""this food is ambrosia
from yahweh who chose ya.""
man, that manna!  best thing till sliced bread!
"
"i've been challenged by someone i met
to a game known as russian roulette.
my first game. but so what?
i should learn quite a lot
from the six practice shots i'm to get.
"
"once the sitwells, so lofty of brow,
were all highly esteemed.  they aren't now.
most today would agree
with no?l coward.  said he:
""they're two wiseacres, dear, and a cow.""
"
"her voluptuous figure inclined
me to thoughts of the lustfullest kind.
years on since i met her
i cannot forget her.
to this day i still bare her in mind.
"
"my spoonerist friends all maintain
i'm keen jelly.  i cannot complain.
falling off the pont neuf
in my cups left me perf-
ectly wringing, it's true, in the seine.
"
"he's a victim of hype.  without fail,
we inflate the extent and the scale
of his crimes.  strangler vlad
was, like bill, sometimes bad.
yes, he choked.  but he didn't impale.
"
"when his friend asked him, ""how're y'keepin'?""
horatio said, ""no use weepin'.""
""but ain't it hard goin',""
the friend said, ""this sewin'?""
""not sowin',"" said bottomley. ""reapin'.""
"
"all the bison from naples to com-
o instinctively head for the dome
of st peter's.  their urge
thereupon to converge
makes a rome where the buffalo home.
"
"poor old billy, he sits on his own,
has no friends, and his family have flown.
how the children all mock
when he walks down the block:
""billy no-mates"" is how he is known.
"
"""belt and braces,"" i said to my son.
""you just can't be too careful. have fun
when you're riding your bike,
or you're taking a hike,
but remember: you're my only one.""
"
"if you choose to be laid in a grave
(in the churchyard, the crypt or the nave),
there's no ash cash to pay,
so when passing away,
just think of the money you'll save.
"
"cataglottism? simply divine,
when we kiss and our tongues intertwine.
though with you i'm obsessed,
it's my cat i love best;
but do that to my cat? i decline!
"
"he's a burglar, a thief in the night.
he's a scoundrel, a badmash, who might
have a knife in his pocket,
and he's after your locket;
if you catch him, he'll put up a fight.
"
"barbotage: anaesthetic that flows
bit by bit from your brain to your toes.
sometimes used by a doc,
it's a good spinal block,
and its level depends on your pose.
"
"daddy said that the teachers were kind
here at boarding school. 'spose i don't mind
if the other boys break
all my toys that they take.
mummy cried as she left me behind.
"
"taken drugs? fallen down? cracked your wrist?
had an accident?  fought when you're pissed?
for emergency care
it will always be there.
if it wasn't, it sure would be missed.
"
"in a gin-house you couldn't be choosy:
you'd drink anything, just to get woozy.
to disable your legs
you'd drink alls, that's the dregs,
thus ensuring you quickly got boozy.
"
"fair camilla meets all charlie's needs,
with her huntin' and fishin' and tweeds.
now a duchess, she may
be called ""queenie"" one day,
if the great british public concedes.
"
"just a miner, but bevan rose high
in the government. then in july
of the year '48,
into force came his great
nhs: health for all, thanks to nye.
"
"better swab him from chin down to shin,
in advance of the knife going in.
use that betadine, nurse,
'cos infection is worse
than the stain the stuff leaves on the skin.
"
"he approached me and asked me to dance.
i said, ""sorry, i have an advance
commitment to one
who i think is more fun,
it's with col that i'm seeking romance.""
"
"will life deal you a hand that is hard?
can you tell what's to come, with a card?
using cartomancy, yes.
thinkers think it's a guess.
if it's true, better be on your guard.
"
"if you only have one ox, not eight,
then there's less food to put on your plate.
fifteen acres is all
you can plough fall-to-fall.
with a bovate your ploughing's sedate.
"
"hubert levied a tax on the land
ploughed by oxen, a team eight-in-hand,
working all through the year.
this cost poor peasants dear:
they paid carucage tax on demand.
"
"eight strong oxen can plough in a year
land of one hundred acres, or near.
when that quota's fulfilled,
it's a carucate tilled,
if both driver and beasts persevere.
"
"how they loved it, those pirates of old;
when they supped it, it helped them feel bold;
made of sugar and rum,
they thought bumbo was yum?
as they buried their woes and their gold.
"
"mum, i'm longing to join humankind,
but the lines on my head aren't aligned.
it's this silly asyn-
clitism sealing me in.
till i'm free, you'll remain unconfined.
"
"four roads formed a carfax where i
stood and wondered, ""which way?"", with a sigh.
so i asked mr frost,
who was equally lost.
he said, ""take the one least travelled by.""
"
"is there something you hate to be near?
don't avoid it. you must persevere.
if a phobia's faced,
then it can be erased,
but avoidance exacerbates fear.
"
"an infectious old man lies alone,
because barrier nursing's a zone
that requires gloves and masks
to be worn for all tasks.
through his window, i hear a low moan.
"
"it may seem like a terrible waste,
but the problem of slugs must be faced.
put some beer in a pot;
you'll trap hundreds: they've got
such desire for that rich, hoppy taste.
"
"if it's bifid, it's split into two
like the tongue of a snake. yes, it's true!
bifid's fine for a snake,
but for man, a mistake?
a congenital defect to you.
"
"for our hols, we think east yorkshire's fun;
we love bridlington's sea, sand and sun.
at this coastal resort
(and superb fishing port),
we can really feel summer's begun.
"
"when i start an affair with a guy
i feel cherished, adored, on a high.
then he starts to ignore me,
berate me and bore me.
soon that lovely love fades. tell me, why?
"
"these days, button fly trousers are rare,
as a zip is thought more debonair.
bet it made lovers grumble
when men had to fumble.
and what if he hadn't a spare?
"
"one likes dolls, and the other a bike?
one's called susie, the other is mike?
since, inside you, they grew
not from one egg, but two,
your binovular twins aren't alike.
"
"in old england, when people were wed,
a care-cloth was held overhead.
then the priest blest the pair;
neath this linen, cut square;
but the bride wears a veil now, instead.
"
"all your daily activities show
if your life's full of joy or of woe.
can you eat, dress and talk?
go to sleep, wash and walk?
living just as you want, or so-so?
"
"she's a waitress dressed up as a bunny,
serves your drinks, deals your cards, takes your money;
playboy started the trend,
now, thank god, at an end:
dressing girls up as rabbits ain't funny.
"
"said the surgeon in theatre one day,
""all you students, heed well what i say;
see that cancerous lump?
(pass my scalpel, you chump!):
now the tumour is all cut away"".
"
"he was caddish and rascally too;
such a flirt, he was bad through and through;
but she loved him in spite
of his errors. her knight
lied with ease, so she thought he was true.
"
"if you're climbing up high and you fall,
landing hard on your heel not the ball
of your foot, it may make
your calcaneus break:
first you'll sprawl, then you'll bawl as you crawl.
"
"cabin fever can fill you with gloom
if you're shut in a small lonely room.
you'll be anxious and glum,
and you'll yearn for a chum,
to defuse all those feelings of doom.
"
"if you stick to the law as decreed
and abide by the rules, there's no need
to resist your arrest
as her majesty's guest:
you'll be found free of guilt and be freed.
"
"an advance copy gives you a look
at your soon to be published new book.
share, in print, with your friend,
the beginning and end?
that reveals who's the villainous crook.
"
"balibuntal is straw woven fine,
made from palms. it looks simply divine
when assembled as hats,
purses, handbags and mats:
it's a philippine home-made design.
"
"""tally ho!"" cried the huntsman with glee;
""if you value the chase, follow me!
see the fox over there
in the wood, by his lair?
he'll break covert and run, wait and see!""
"
"when the schoolboy scored zero in cricket,
he whined and he wept, ""i can't stick it!""
""buck up,"" said his father,
""unless you would rather
return in disgrace to the wicket.""
"
"over all in her path she has vaulted;
she's gone, run away, can't be halted.
this bolter ain't there;
be she woman or mare,
for her character, she will be faulted.
"
"i am bothered about definition.
all het up, i am sure on a mission.
'cos it's a condition
that every submission
involves more than just intuition.
"
"the way that your heart pumps is neat,
it's a pattern that happens each beat.
first your heart fills with blood,
then it empties: each thud
means a cardiac cycle's complete.
"
"an action potential's the start
of each life-giving beat of the heart.
electricity flows
through each atria?those
little chambers: the heart's upper part.
"
"if your coronary arteries harden,
then cabg (not grown in a garden)
lets blood flow again,
through the saphenous vein
to your heart. rather gory? beg pardon!
"
"""bugger bognor,"" the king gasped aloud
(as his servants sat sewing his shroud).
that was very unkind:
bognor regis, you'll find,
with sea air and a beach is endowed.
"
"whilst some joints' range of movement is small,
that's not so for the socket and ball.
you can do backward flips
because shoulders and hips
have the best range of movement of all.
"
"it's a festival, all about beer.
what a joy! i've been waiting all year
for the date to come round,
so i'll now go to ground
in the pub, making pints disappear.
"
"i'm no expert at climbing a wall,
so i should have known better. the fall
meant i barked my poor shin
(lots of blood, damaged skin);
that's the last time i rescue your ball.
"
"""have you opened your bowels yet, my dear?""
asked the nurse in a voice loud and clear.
on the pan i was seated,
by a movement defeated,
then she yelled it again, in my ear.
"
"with his virile and vigorous look
(like a hero described in a book),
that sweet man i'll ensnare,
so he'd better beware;
i'll seduce him by hook or by crook.
"
"apronectomy? surgeon, begin!
please get rid of this horrible skin
hanging down in a flap,
all the way to my lap,
'cos my corset just can't hold it in.
"
"""i must cancel the concerts i planned;
hope the rest of the band understand!""
the poor pianist wailed,
""with these nodes i'm assailed,
i've got bouchard's all over my hand!""
"
"cosy bed socks, they'll warm up your feet
when the bedroom is lacking in heat.
in a subtle pale blue
they may bid sex adieu,
but at least you'll look homely and sweet.
"
"he's been gathered, he's late, that's his lot.
all his hopes and his dreams gone to pot.
he's ad patres: he's now
with his fathers. we vow,
that with re-runs, he'll not be forgot.
"
"the onset of migraine can be:
you have flashes of light and can't see.
that's the aura, the first
stage, and some say the worst.
those with headaches may well disagree.
"
"i'm ahoight 'cos you tell me you care.
feeling great, i am walking on air.
on my face is a smirk,
and i hum while i work?
i'm just loving this secret affair.
"
"she's a terrier, wiry and tough;
she's no smoothie, but nor is she rough:
to my dog i'm devoted,
but her hair's broken coated,
so she sheds, from her tail to her ruff.
"
"i work hard for the money i earn,
for reward and a bonus i yearn.
there'll be such a commotion
if i miss my promotion:
how i'll gurn if it's buggins's turn.
"
"i'd been dumped by the man in my life,
who, i'd hoped, planned to make me his wife.
asked the cards for good luck,
but those cards really suck:
'cos the cartomancer saw only strife.
"
"an amsler grid's made up of lines;
the use of it clearly defines
any limits of field
in the vision. revealed:
scotomata and sinister signs.
"
"what a ballsy and brave tudor bragger
was he, with his sharp ballock dagger.
this keen phallic knife
sure impressed every wife,
and caused many a husband to stagger.
"
"on a farm with no sewer connection
you need to store waste for collection.
a cesspit well sealed,
in your neighbouring field,
is ideal: after building inspection.
"
"wild rape! don't be shocked, it's a weed.
it's called cadlock (i mustn't mislead).
yellow blooms, bristly stemmed,
are by farmers condemned,
but it's used for the spice in its seed.
"
"take potatoes, sliced thick, then deep fried,
some white bread, with the spuds popped inside,
for a hearty chip butty
(not meant to sound smutty):
serve hot, with brown sauce on the side.
"
"swollen legs, suppuration and pain,
inflammation: of these i complain.
and the cause? streptococci,
or so said the doc. i
just call cellulitis a bane.
"
"driving home? better not! leave the car,
find your cash, and stub out your cigar.
there's some excellent beer,
and it's almost new year;
come on, paul ? make your way to the bar.
"
"human parasites' habits are foul;
celozoic ones live in your bowel,
other cavities too,
anywhere inside you,
and the pain that they cause makes you howl.
"
"he hallucinates since he went blind,
though he's perfectly sound in his mind.
first described by bonnet,
it's a syndrome. just pray
he'll recover, and leave fear behind.
"
"jean piaget first mentioned centration,
and influenced child education:
kids focus on one
thing, and meanwhile they shun
all the others?for some years' duration.
"
"a new husband, who yelled himself hoarse,
screamed, ""it must be a matter of course.
with no coffee filter
a brew is off-kilter.
i swear this is grounds for divorce!""
"
"a baptist whose bent's calvinistic
might seem to be most fatalistic.
though the end's foreordained,
he will not have complained,
fearing god, who just might go ballistic.
"
"rising anticolonialism
has caused more than one bloody schism,
when oppressed local folks
have thrown off foreign yokes
and their conqueror's militarism.
"
"said a child, uncle sam's misbegotten,
""i'm an apple that's thoroughly rotten.
they don't want me no more
'cause i'm bad to the corps.
it is best that my hitch is forgotten.""
"
"corporal punishment isn't severe,
if it's just a few swats on the rear.
but you shouldn't use belts,
canes, or whips that leave welts;
just your palm can make rules crystal clear.
"
"an acoustical wave's what you hear
when some pressure-pulsed air hits your ear.
for more information
on sonic vibration,
consult with a sound engineer.
"
"when your heaving gut feels cataclysmal,
you might want to try pepto-bismol.
when stomachs are sick,
this bismuthic and thick
oral tonic helps those who feel dismal.
"
"a bad cowlick is what makes your hair
egregiously poke in the air.
you can plaster it down
to the top of your crown
but it won't make you look debonair.
"
"if your blood pressure goes asystolic,
your surroundings could soon be bucolic.
when your heart's stopped contracting,
without some fast-acting
assistance, you'll nevermore frolic.
"
"the  acorn shell's brown and quite small,
'bout the size of your thumbnail, that's all.
but its nut, as you know,
is from whence oak trees grow
to be mighty and stately and tall.
"
"he was truly a working-class chap,
with his whippet, his pigeons, and cap.
but the feathers and dung
caused bird-fancier's lung:
soon his loft had turned into a trap.
"
"i was searching for great uncle fred
in the census, and here's what i read:
he raised pigs, married maud,
also raised a large horde?
twenty children! no wonder he's dead.
"
"faded photos?my father looks proud
in his uniform: later his shroud.
how he loved army life,
but he died in the strife
of the battle?just one of a crowd.
"
"if you're floppy, or flabby, or fat,
you must chuck out your exercise mat.
just do what you oughta;
get into the water:
aquarobics is now where it's at.
"
"when a discharge that's watery flows
from a surface mucosal, it shows
blennorrhoea has struck
and you're down on your luck
till, with antibiotics, it goes.
"
"mistress muffet, though cute, wasn't nice
but ill-natured and peevish. her vice
was to squash spiders flat,
whilst on tuffets they sat;
thus no attercop frightened her twice.
"
"when your macular vision's affected
and degeneration's detected,
if to age it's related
then sadly, you're fated:
no cure for lost sight is expected.
"
"i am bothered, which means i'm upset
by a problem i can't seem to get
sorted out. yes, i'm stressed;
i feel nervous, depressed,
ill at ease, all wound up, in a sweat.
"
"it's a bus stop, where buses may pause
to disgorge weary souls from their jaws.
other folks get onboard,
join the sardine-packed horde;
yes, it's transport?with too many flaws.
"
"on a wet winter's day?quite mundane?
at the bus stop, i stood in the rain.
then this wonderful fella
said, ""share my umbrella.""
now we're married, and so we'll remain.
"
"feeling bloated, unable to go?
tried some bran but your bowels still say no?
don't try something too drastic,
just use a chalastic
(a laxative) ? most apropos.
"
"he's a cheeseparer, mean and tight-fisted;
all purchases must be resisted.
he resents every cent,
every penny that's spent;
his idea of economy: twisted.
"
"i'm a chip off the block?i'm like dad,
who, though old, often makes me feel mad
with his ways that are narrow.
i know, in my marrow,
i'm like him, and sometimes, i'm glad.
"
"he's a jolly good fellow, a gent
who is trusted one hundred percent
by his upper-class pals;
and to debutante gals
he's a chap who is just heaven-sent.
"
"i refuse to do business with you;
you're a con man whose words are untrue.
it's all trickery, fraud?
and quite frankly, i'm bored
with your cheatery. sir, we are through.
"
"in the winter he's shooting and hunting;
in summer it's picnics and punting;
but chinless, my dear,
is this wonder: i fear
it's a cuz of the queen you're confronting.
"
"though alice has wonderland fame,
the latinized form of her name
adds an i and an a,
taking e clear away:
alicia's the name of this dame.
"
"i fear ageism, now that i'm old.
will the doctors decide to withhold
what they choose to supply
to a less aged guy,
leaving me, and my life, in the cold?
"
"subcutaneous access is gained
by a butterfly?neatly explained
by the shape of its grip.
through the sharp metal tip,
drugs infuse and hydration's maintained.
"
"in my album are pictured my clan:
uncle bill, auntie kate, cousin anne.
all are now dead and gone?
just their photos live on,
and the sequel to what they began.
"
"this rayon's synthetic; it's made
from a cellulose slurry that's sprayed
through small spinnerettes
and then dried.  this begets
silk-like fibers that bleaching degrades.
"
"you evolved from the apes?  well, not me.
all my ancestors?they're monkey free.
when you say that we're kin,
you engender chagrin.
you're a nut, not from my family tree.
"
"as prescribed by the communist creed,
when rewards are based solely on need,
then from each per ability
breeds sloth and futility.
the motive is gone to succeed.
"
"if your rectum or anus should bleed,
here's advice that you really should heed:
when you're searching for answers
like polyps and cancers,
coloscopy's just what you need.
"
"my bank account statement today
proves my checkbook's in gross disarray.
the bank knows i've no money.
do they think that it's funny
to charge me more fees i can't pay?
"
"""stay on course,"" yelled the skip from the prow.
""i'm assuming, of course, you know how.""
i replied from the stern,
""in due course i will learn.
i'm enrolled in the course, skip, right now!""
"
"an addiction psychiatrist (she
who calls herself, here, sheilab)
only adds to my sickness,
obsessed limerickness.
so doc, heal thyself, then heal me.
"
"the real estate ads are too rosy.
they'll say that a cottage is cosy:
that means it's too small
with no storage at all.
buying houses, you can't be too nosy.
"
"regardless of blame or intention,
when fault's set by law or convention,
accept with gentility
absolute liability.
insurance should quell apprehension.
"
"sir, you've been diagnosed with a cancer.
chemotherapy's part of the answer.
for more activation
we'll use radiation,
so your cancer won't make an advance, sir.
"
"little tubes in your lungs carry air:
they're called bronchi. i think it is fair
when you find they're inflamed,
that your smoking is blamed.
if your cough is bronchitic: beware!
"
"david cameron, ""new tory hope"",
is both clever and charming?no dope?
oh he's longing to be
the prime minister. see
if he'll hang himself, given the rope.
"
"are you literally ""seeing the air""
(small white dots that are not really there)?
named aeropsia by
dr abraham, i
am so glad this illusion is rare.
"
"this benign paroxysmal condition
is vertigo?call a clinician.
you're dizzy and ill,
but it helps to lie still,
since it's influenced by your position.
"
"on the mexican day of the dead
there's a feast with elaborate bread.
families decorate tombs
using paper and blooms,
and their ancestors share in the spread.
"
"""it's atypical,"" so we were told,
""not unusual, in someone so old.""
but his lungs lost the fight;
poor ken died in the night,
once pneumonia strengthened its hold.
"
"we didn't expect ken to die.
it was sudden, we still don't know why.
but some adverse event,
maybe cardiac, meant
that his friends had no time for ""goodbye"".
"
"on the care of the elderly ward,
patients sit, feeling lonely and bored.
though the staff do their best,
they're outnumbered and stressed,
so the old are, too often, ignored.
"
"it's your barium enema day!
lie down here on your left, turn this way,
bend your knees. i'll insert
this small tube ? it won't hurt.
now i'll x-ray your bowel, if i may?
"
"nasty sores in embarrassing places
put a stop to your lover's embraces?
aciclovir heals
herpes simplex's wheals:
antivirals put smiles back on faces.
"
"are you feeling success slipping by?
what you need is a rallying cry.
now, the phrase i'd suggest
to invoke your team's best
is ""let's give it the old college try!""
"
"back when music was played through a hi-fi,
and no hot spots existed with wi-fi,
acoustic modems would link
(and not in a wink)
to a phone line. (it seemed just like sci-fi.)
"
"all my symptoms are still unabated,
and aspirin is contraindicated.
i will sue.  this i vow,
'cause i've wry syndrome now.
don't you say that it isn't related.
"
"as a young'un i wanted to see
how the neighbor girl differed from me.
with my cute little buddy
i learned ya could study
comparative anatomy free.
"
"a biologist said, ""i'm impressed
with a firm and calyculate breast.
if it's more than size b,
it is wasted on me.
i find small cup-shaped breasts are the best.""
"
"when a character actor is no star,
his billing at best may be costar.
but if he is willin'
to play friend or villain,
his show-biz career may just go far.
"
"country rock is a musical style
that's been popular, now, quite a while.
before gram was a byrd
or an eagle was heard,
michael nesmith wrote songs that beguile.
"
"country music's the music they play
with guitars, drums, and fiddles today.
plus, you'll hear steel guitars
inside most of the bars,
dives, and honky-tonks down nashville way.
"
"as the coxswain sits back in the rear,
he must think of crew safety, and steer.
yelling ""stroke!"" is his chore
at those manning an oar.
if they win, he gets dunked with a cheer.
"
"country-western is music that's sang
with a drawl in yore voice and a twang.
you can even sing flat,
in yore big cowboy hat.
you can yodel if that is yore thang.
"
"what a blash on the way to the pub!
i'm wet through, i need beer, and some grub.
but the ale's watered-down
(it's not even pale brown);
how i wish i was home in the tub.
"
"as the changes of puberty near,
the breast bud is first to appear.
a small swelling is seen
in the female pre-teen,
for her childhood, the final frontier.
"
"i'm frustrated, i'm angry, i'm sad;
surely all of my limericks aren't bad?
i write twenty per day,
so, pretty please, pray
take a look, or i'll really get mad.
"
"just what is the oedilf ambition?
to strive to imbue each submission
with humour and jokes?
but more crucially, folks,
it must give a good definition.
"
"here's some commonplace, vegetable lore:
see this lovely big cabbage? ignore
all the leaves and the roots
and the little green shoots.
take the pith; that's the castock, the core.
"
"with no guts of its own it may make
its abode inside yours, and partake
of the food you've digested.
you're cestode-infested:
so tired, and with innards that ache.
"
"david bailey has made his great name
taking photos. a beautiful dame
in a vogue fashion shot,
looking sexy and hot ?
thus this cockney achieved wide acclaim.
"
"if your tractor breaks down can you fix
it? and do you keep sheep and some chicks?
you're bucolic in dress?
if your answer is ""yes"",
then you're borrel, and live in the sticks.
"
"there are too many nurses not there,
because hospital coffers are bare.
therefore patients are lying
untended and dying.
it's not because nurses don't care.
"
"when my dad was a surgeon he went
every christmas to hospital, spent
lunchtime carving the bird?
though the patients preferred
christmas pudding, one hundred percent!
"
"my clinician's behavioristic.
carl jung would have called him simplistic,
'cause this theory ensconces
rewards and responses.
fred skinner thought jung was a mystic.
"
"a cactaceous, or prickly pear, plant
can be climbed, so don't say that it can't.
but they're always quite prickly;
they'll make you feel stickly.
climbing cacti's not fun?that i'll grant.
"
"""i am anticonventional, man,""
said the hippie while marching to ban
all the bombs and the wars
and those big-box, club stores.
he's a rebel without a real plan.
"
"bomb disposal's the job that i do.
i defuse them real slow, then i'm through.
if you see me move fast,
i'm expecting a blast?
that's your signal to start running too!
"
"it's my lungs and it's more than a rumor.
i can't smoke, so i'm in a bad humor.
so if i start to cry,
you'll know why: it's 'cause my
bronchoscopic exam found a tumor.
"
"active labour is what she's in now,
and she heaves like she's having a cow.
but the kid was conceived
with no motion achieved.
she just lay in the hay like a sow.
"
"if you hear your nurse shout out ""code blue!""
say a prayer, as your life may be through,
because that's what they say
when you're passing away
and they need to resuscitate you.
"
"can you blame me for being cantankerous?
the ardor i felt has turned rancorous.
the love goddess, venus,
has injured my penis.
the doc says the lesion is chancrous.
"
"the cottonmouth's mouth is pure white.
it's a sight that fills swimmers with fright
'cause this snake likes to swim,
and your future is grim
if this moccasin chooses to bite!
"
"bass guitars have four strings, sometimes five.
there's a few that have six.  that's no jive.
their low gut-grabbing sound
sends the beat all around.
with that rumble, i'm feeling alive.
"
"sure, i shell out big bucks just to hunt,
but i won't shoot a deer that's a runt.
with a nice bit of luck
i might bag a big buck.
paying dough for a doe?  an affront!
"
"what does biometeorological mean?
it's how weather affects life's routine.
the cold north wind can chill,
lightning flashes can kill,
and the rain washes everything clean.
"
"when you click on a hypertext link,
and it doesn't go where you would think,
it's a dead link you've found?
page no longer around.
(your computer is not on the blink.)
"
"now, despotism's nobody's creed,
because despots are bad; we're agreed.
but a despot won't know
(or admit) he's a foe
to the people who long to be freed.
"
"to debride you remove all dead skin
from a wound (so gangrene won't set in),
using maggots or knife.
this may well save a life;
then you won't have to call next of kin.
"
"her berating?  most devastating, that!
now the heartbreak hotel's where i'm at.
do you know how it feels
when a woman in heels
rips your heart out to stomp it down flat?
"
"oh my god! have you seen her left eye?
is it pink eye or only a stye?
i tell you i'm dreading
to learn that it's spreading.
conjunctivitis?  i'm leaving, good-bye!
"
"as a courier?what's not to like??
i had fun all day riding my bike.
now i've lost that enjoyment;
cyclical unemployment
makes me wait for the next business spike.
"
"in a plant, polysaccharides flow.
(but just how do they know where to go?)
they will ooze from a wound,
or from where it's been pruned;
like a bandage, a callose will grow.
"
"when our top spy came in from the cold
to report on his exploits?so bold?
the secrets he'd write
on his foreskin each night
made for quite the debriefings, i'm told!
"
"a cornet is a cute little horn,
looking much like a trumpet that's born
'bout a month premature.
still, a good embouchure
must be had to play well, without scorn.
"
"a conchologist out on a beach
said, while picking up shells within reach,
""i'm no beachcombing bum.
to this shore i have come
to collect spiral shells and to teach.""
"
"all the chromosomes scientists call
acrocentric have big arms and small.
when the centromere's near
one arm's end, it's so clear
that it's not very centered at all.
"
"compact cars will seat four, that's a cinch,
and some will seat six in a pinch.
but unless you're the sort
who's exceedingly short?
extra legroom?  there's nary an inch.
"
"all acoustic buoys come with loud bells
that will chime from the wind, waves, or swells.
if you hear one, be smart.
read your nautical chart,
and you'll learn of the danger it tells.
"
"""let's shack up,"" said her beau with a grin.
""and together our life will begin.""
though it may seem like fun,
girl, it's time you should run,
because cohabitation's a sin.
"
"ursa minor's the best constellation
for northerly night navigation.
the tip of its tail
can reveal without fail
your direction and current location.
"
"""a continuance, judge, if you please,""
begged the lawyer from down on his knees.
""i don't need extra time
to prove who did the crime;
it's this client?he's late with my fees.""
"
"now, a company man in japan
is a very conventional man.
he'll habitually choose
the predictable views
as he follows a typical plan.
"
"both my front teeth are loose and one's chipped
from a smart-assed remark that i quipped.
i was drinking last night,
when i got in a fight.
but i think that i'll say that i slipped.
"
"prohibition's no good.  can't you see
that i hate being alcohol free?
with delirium tremens,
i see screamin' demons
and shake like a leaf on a tree.
"
"""a blind date? well, why not?  i'm elated.""
upon meeting, her spirits deflated.
""i don't mean to be cold,
but you look very old
and perhaps you should be carbon-dated.""
"
"while pursuing the things that you craved,
you were wanton and cruelly behaved,
lacking care, unconcerned.
now the verdict's returned,
your indifference adjudged as depraved.
"
"if you feel you are thrown for a loop
while describing a chowder-like soup,
call it thick and colloidal,
perhaps albuminoidal.
that means it's gelatinous goop.
"
"in the ballrooms i ruled on the floor.
i would leap, dip, pop, glide, twirl and soar.
arthropathic disease
has since crippled my knees.
bust a move?  cut a rug?  nevermore!
"
"an acetifier's just a big pot
with fermenting warm juice (not too hot).
this brew you then smother
with germs called a mother.
soon, vinegar you'll have begot.
"
"where the high tides and waves do not reach
is the highest point found on a beach.
this is called the berm crest,
and nearby, the terns nest.
if you venture too close, they will screech.
"
"the absorption lines form like a blight
in a spectrum of pure starry light.
they are caused when light passes
through nebular gases,
revealing those gases on sight.
"
"afropop's not a cola ebola,
like a soda consumed in angola.
it's pop music they play
in an african way.
it's heard worldwide. now where's my payola?
"
"she drew raves in e.t. as a child,
but drew barrymore grew to be wild.
she took a big chance
with a desktop ""flash"" dance,
while dave letterman sat there beguiled.
"
"let me tell of a meal that i ate.
french-fried waterloo chicken is great!
it's deboned and that's smart.
it was served ? la carte
with no bony part put on my plate.
"
"desert locusts swarmed in, don't you know?
ate each section, each field, and each row.
they were eighth on the plagues list
(saw egypt on craigslist) ?
the tenth made the pharaoh let go.
"
"this here limerik's my won claim to fame;
i'll take all of the credit or blame.
tho mispelled and it's sloppy writed,
that ""c"" means it's copyrighted;
if quoted, best mention my name.
"
"there are little- and big-type brown bats,
and they both eat mosquitoes, moths, gnats,
mayflies, beetles and midges.
they'll roost under bridges,
but attics are perfect bat flats.
"
"a british new ager named dusty
would bristle when labeled a crustie.
his theosophy creed
formed when all he would read
were old books by blavatsky (quite musty).
"
"obama loves sounding sincere,
spouting platitudes, calming our fear.
demagoguery can't
solve our problems.  we shan't
spend our way out of bankruptcy, hear?
"
"we need pads to ride bikes?they aren't joking!
then the government says, ""no more smoking.""
not really big brotherish,
it's more nagging motherish:
wait an hour to swim after toking!
"
"the hp-45:  what a toy!
back in '73, it brought joy.
computationally quick,
it made slide rules look sick
to a nerd, engineering-type boy.
"
"up till  now, i've been too indecisive.
it's time i should be more divisive.
you scold, taunt, and tease me.
your jeers do not please me.
you're no friend of mine.  you're derisive.
"
"my new roof peeled right off and then flew
when the hurricane's wind blew and blew.
this destructiveness leveled
(completely disheveled)
my shack and all blue bayou too.
"
"when i said, ""your breath stinks!"" no reaction
'cept a smirk that conveyed satisfaction.
""do you want to repulse,
causing folks to convulse
as they retch from this social infraction?""
"
"thongs were flip-flops to wear on your feet;
now they're undies for framing your seat.
this absurd little string
doesn't cover a thing.
displayed buttfloss is most indiscreet!
"
"schoolyard friends called me callous and more,
teasing nicknames that once made me sore.
since my last name is kalles,
they meant no real malice.
still, bearing this name was a chore.
"
"in the process of anodization,
electrolysis-caused passivation
is a layering trick
just a few atoms thick.
it's a way to prevent degradation.
"
"claims adjusters, insurance-type guys,
are so easy to hate and despise.
it seems like they aim
to deny every claim.
do those ""good hands"" hold nothing but lies?
"
"i find bookkeeping often a bore,
but when done with computers, no chore.
these new systems, accounting,
have long been surmounting
the drudgework that makes a brain sore.
"
"an old sailor named davy mccravie
reminisced 'bout the food in the navy.
""i'd love me a mess
of some good s.o.s.?
it's chipped beef served on toast with white gravy.""
"
"on my favorite rock i'll expound.
anorthositic, it's formed underground,
deep inside of our planet.
it's taken for granite:
a gneiss rock, the nicest i've found.
"
"my poor daughter's reduced to a shell.
her bulimia's worse, i can tell.
she's developed the urge
to lose weight, binge and purge.
can't she see this could be her farewell?
"
"from an empire that once was far-flung,
mother england gave birth to her young.
though good friends and allied,
what cannot be denied:
we're divided by our common tongue.
"
"""help! this young man is quite sick!
tell the nurse to get over here quick!
tongue's as big as a ham,
and the anti-inflam-
matory's not doing the trick!""
"
"we've a houseguest that i'd like to smother!
spoils his nieces, that son of my mother.
and he does it, you see,
quite avuncularly?
big surprise!  he's their uncle?my brother!
"
"'twould ammoniate all this domain
with a stench, should you choose to refrain
from completing the task
that i plaintively ask...
change the baby ? the need is quite plain!
"
"the worms bore st. george much antagonism
for his tireless ""let's slay the dragon""-ism.
they never could win
'less he'd drunk loads of gin
(in a bad case of fall-off-the-wagonism).
"
"she cast about throw rugs frenetically,
placed tchotchkes on shelves energetically,
'til i shouted ""enough!
this is way too much stuff!
would you decorate, please, more ascetically?""
"
"your  behavior is quite apathetic!
though you've said you were peripatetic,
you just sit like a lump,
you don't run, you don't jump...
are you clinically stuck?akinetic?
"
"i stare; she awakes from her nappin'.
i'm caught! now my face she's a-slappin'.
i wish we could be
amatorially
involved, but it ain't gonna happen.
"
"alpha acids give lagers their chops;
they let pilsners pull out all the stops.
take a moment and think
of your favorite drink...
they're the bittering agent in hops.
"
"""on your adequateness i'm expounding!
your sufficiency's really astounding!""
i hope you won't mind
if i say that i find
all your compliments less than resounding.
"
"the cuckolded husband insisted
in claiming her falseness persisted.
her affair-ridden past
he'd brought up, first to last ?
all her sins, antecedently listed.
"
"in accounting, the cycle won't stop
at a factory, farm, or a shop.
while the ar collects,
the ap writes the checks
and files taxes (or meets with a cop).
"
"said my mom as she sat in a booth
getting hammered on gin and vermouth,
""my husband's an ass
and my kids have no class;
this damn family just ain't got no couth.""
"
"with sustainable power their goal,
the green nutjobs would take away coal.
to debituminize,
they are telling big lies
'bout  wind power, on which they extol.
"
"for a chasid, a most pious jew,
there are rules on just what he can do.
his observance of law
is precise, without flaw,
and there's more than just pork he'll eschew.
"
"dearest daughter, i grieve that we've had
an unfortunate row gone so bad.
my dearly-won dust-up
caused our family to bust up.
come home, please.  sincerely, your dad.
"
"read 1st john, chapter 1, the 9th verse:
just confess, and be saved (to be terse).
god's abstersiveness means
that he washes and cleans
sin confessors?to bless them, not curse.
"
"achymous?  now, what could that mean?
webster's says ""without chyme.""  well, that's lean.
so i then took the time
to look up the word chyme.
and its meaning is gross and obscene.
"
"we once proudly proclaimed, way back when,
we're a nation of law, not of men.
but now czarism's mugged
us; it's like atlas shrugged:
constitution ignored, yet again.
"
"a corona discharge is a glow
near conductors, an ion gas show;
or when college kids booze,
then puke beer on their shoes;
and a solar flare's one, don't you know?
"
"this famed wrestler stood seven-foot-four,
and he added to moviedom's lore.
favorite line (and i mean it):
""anybody want a peanut?""
sadly, andr? the giant's no more.
"
"when you're serving up cocktails or brandy,
keep absorptive materials handy,
just in case there's a vicar
who can't hold his liquor
and spills his postprandial shandy.
"
"i try hard to say what's on my mind
if articulable, but i find
that my colleagues don't love
when i tell them to shove
their ideas where the sun's never shined.
"
"in response to your recent averment
that you just didn't know what that slur meant ?
with your words came a snort,
so i'm forced to retort:
your averment's too fervent ? they were meant.
"
"from ahava, the hebrews left babylon.
ezra herded both nobles and rabble on.
""as there's no time to tarry,
take nothing to carry?
not even a board to play scrabble on.""
"
"how articulately did you phrase
your critiques ? not a smidgen of praise!
erudition's my thing,
so despite words that sting,
i will not light my lim'ricks ablaze.
"
"he was quite ambiverted, for sure.
in a crowd, he was shy and demure.
but when asked to go out,
change of mood came about,
and he danced 'til his feet were a blur!
"
"when you get an  arteriogram,
it will show if you eat too much spam.
if you do, avoid breads
with high-calorie spreads,
and do not eat that whole rack of lamb.
"
"the arranger arranged quite a range
of harmonics both awkward and strange.
the strings, they would waver,
the woodwinds would quaver,
and midst of a stanza, the meter would undergo a disconcerting change.
"
"we bid a farewell to ms. chisholm,
whose politics caused quite a schism.
what the left saw as right,
to the right gave a fright
worse than anarchosyndicalism.
"
"society's rules are applicative,
an example of which i'll be quick to give:
do not spit on your priest,
friend, or partner, or beast,
when pronouncing a dissonant fricative.
"
"you whisper you've asked us all here,
'cause you fear your last moment is near?
well, it's just adenoiditis,
so please don't invite us
to wait (well, unless you've got beer).
"
"""you're merely an irksome atonalist!""
detractors would frequently moan o' liszt,
but his works for the fiddle
put him right in the middle
of the ""albums of which i'm the owner"" list.
"
"hassan il sabbah led an order
that caused infidels' lives to be shorter.
his assassins, you see,
would murder with glee,
trusting allah to be their rewarder.
"
"his annunciatory proclivities
made him valued at local festivities.
all the folks would rejoice
at the sound of his voice
when he called out the list of activities.
"
"agnoiology ponders the flow
and the ebb of the things we can't know:
such as ""wherefore a rose?""
or ""do martians wear clothes?""
or ""does god have a really big toe?""
"
"i'm aware of the dust on my shelf,
and the trash on the streets here in guelph,
and the spots on my dishes...
my therapist wishes
i'd be more aware of myself.
"
"i'm awash in disgust and despair,
all because of the state of my hair.
though it's still got its shine,
it's been getting quite fine,
and there's just not that much of it there.
"
"walking slowly, in fair or foul weather,
heathcliff ambled all over the heather.
""is that catherine there?
i've been told by jane eyre
that we're destined to amble together.""
"
"if you're planning to study the dirt,
some agrology classes can't hurt.
you'll learn facts that are charming
related to farming,
like rendering insects inert.
"
"i'm articulative to a fault.
if i'm trying to say ""pass the salt,""
i might ask, ""please propel
that there nacl
towards my plate 'til it comes to a halt.""
"
"box end wrenches are closed all way 'round.
they fit tight on a nut, and i've found
since they get a good grip
they're less likely to slip
(unlike open end types) to the ground.
"
"you trust newsweek alone? how exclusive!
now your faith in obama's delusive.
he's expanding the war,
and he spends four times more
than george bush, who was power-abusive.
"
"it commences the commonwealth games;
solidarity's one of its aims;
for those who are keen
to say, ""long live the queen!""
that's what commonwealth day still proclaims.
"
"a south african succulent shrub
up to three meters high?it's no stub.
also gypsum florettes
a dried salt lake begets.
both of these are called desert rose, bub.
"
"in the cold war, the soviet threat
made the u.s. and canada fret.
so, beaucoup radar stations
were built by these nations.
no planes slipped by dew line's tight net.
"
"did you hear that my big sister roma
came down with a serous cystoma?
an ovarian tumor,
benign, with a humor?
it's also called cystadenoma.
"
"i'm afraid of, er, doctors (a lot).
turn around?  drop my pants?  i will not!
can you hide that syringe?errr?
i'm such a big cringer;
i'll faint if you give me a shot.
"
"why a lonely boy finally discovers
that ugly girls make better lovers:
they don't yell, they don't tell,
and they're grateful as hell.
love is blind, 'cause it's dark 'neath the covers!
"
"with nirvana the lyrics weren't fun.
kurt cobain was tormented, undone.
adding more drugs and strife,
courtney love was his wife
till the end, when he used his own gun.
"
"when faced with the vertical smile,
some choose to ignore it, but i'll
take a whole 'nother tack.
i'll make some nasty crack:
""when did 'plumber chic' come back in style?""
"
"with the currency being debased
and its purchasing power erased,
double-digit inflation
will soon grip the nation.
our leaders should all be disgraced.
"
"desalination:  it works without fault,
and  the money pours straight to our vault.
while fresh water creation
might well save the nation,
we're stuck with these huge piles of salt.
"
"i shall die as i lived?without showing
a hunger for god or for knowing
if there's a creator,
but from my cremator
i'll taste of where you say i'm going.
"
"jesus asks, ""who's possessing this guy?""
""our name's legion,"" the demons reply.
""go and live in yon swine.""
and the demons say, ""fine!""
ex-demonomist, free, breathes a sigh.
"
"i assure you i'm not being mean
if i pinch a sweet, pretty colleen.
she's fair game (i dare say)
on this saint patrick's day,
should she not be a-wearin' the green.
"
"near the black sea, a tourist cried, ""eew!
why, this river smells worse than a loo.
johann strauss notwithstanding,
it's truth i'm demanding.
the danube is brownish?not blue!""
"
"chardonnay with hors d'oeuvres is just fine.
i prefer pinot noir when i dine.
but a raspberry torte
needs a sweet tawny port;
this dessert wine's a favorite of mine.
"
"are there groups, or some things, you would thrash,
'cause they're worthless like bagged-up old trash?
then baggagery's your word,
though today seldom heard;
h. l. mencken would use it to bash.
"
"do you sweat like it's hot as creation,
then suffer from pimple formation?
the old folks would say,
way on back in their day,
what you suffer from's called desudation.
"
"i would like to avoid a big scene
and i hate coming off like i'm mean,
but are you a big dope
or a deuteranope?
move your truck, mack.  the light has turned green!
"
"do you wonder what makes lemons sour?
what in grapefruit juice makes you feel dour*?
it's that acid called citric
which cleans all things vitric
and gives little limes pucker power!
"
"""you're despicable, bush!  end the war!""
yelled the liberals with scorn; they were sore.
all that's changed (by and large)
now obama's in charge:
they, despicably, protest no more!
"
"get an old-fashioned girl into bed?
that won't happen unless you two wed.
desponsation's the thing
that she wants?and a ring.
sex without it is something she'll dread.
"
"oh, what terrible shape i am in,
for i've busted my hip and my shin.
my accursed diagnosis
is osteoporosis.
with bone mass too low, bones get thin.
"
"toast the bride?it should make the groom glad.
do it poorly?the sap will be mad.
so don't mention you've had her;
there is no breach that's badder.
be a proper best man, not a cad.
"
"having catholics and protestants sliced
and the last denominationally diced
into differing sects,
they're in basic respects
still all part of the body of christ.
"
"a baseball fanatic named myriam
ate franks with a nasty bacterium
at the game.  she quaffed beer
and went nuts as she'd cheer.
we're not sure what has caused her delirium.
"
"you know, david was more than a king.
he could dance.  he played harp.  he could sing.
while i'll not be a critic
of most things davidic,
his psalm book's a most blessed thing.
"
"the deck officer dressed down the crew,
as his face turned a bright crimson hue.
""when the cap'n is nappin'
or in the head crappin',
you'll do what i tell you to do!""
"
"all across the u.s. there's a throng:
folks who think that barack does no wrong.
but his deification
will ruin the nation.
you think he's a god?  not for long!
"
"though these insects are certainly losers,
they're quite sober... not drunkards or users.
they're unable to drink?
if they tried, they would sink,
so these chiggers could never be boozers.
"
"now, i don't want to pick any silly nits,
and i hope that my tone isn't chilly; it's
that the bias on fox
from its hawks on the box
makes me boycott its shows and affiliates.
"
"old arius caused a stampede,
as his creed was contentious indeed.
his eponymous ism
provoked quite a schism:
""the son's not quite god,"" he decreed.
"
"from my broadsword (+2) goblins flee!
and that dragon's as dead as can be...
then i hear, ""go outside!
play some ball!  take a ride!
just quit playing ad&amp;d!""
"
"racy thoughts leave you quite apathetic?
there's a chance that you're agamogenetic.
you've no egg, you've no sperm...
which would seem to confirm
you're no fan of the sexual aesthetic.
"
"while you speak, is your audience snoring?
""listen up, please!"" you're always imploring?
well, i hate to be rude...
hope i'm not misconstrued...
but the reason is simple: you're boring!
"
"my alarm chimes at six; i awake,
ride my bike, drink a nutrient shake.
then another for lunch,
so at night i can munch
fried potatoes and salisbury steak.
"
"while i doubt that your contract's extendable,
it's a rule that i could see as bendable.
if my palm could be greased
(several hundred at least),
our arrangement just might be amendable.
"
"we praise shirley temple!  her story'll
make it clear she was ambassadorial.
though she started on screen,
soon the world was her scene!
(life in ghana was quite equatorial.)
"
"that young starlet's become quite the rage!
i may try to go find her backstage.
to the green room i'll sneak
and i'll try for a peek.
(i'm no pervert... i hear she's of age.)
"
"when the boss used to visit, we'd stare,
and we'd whisper, ""he's losing his hair!""
but he showed up one day
with a brand new toupee?
now it's ""check out that bigwig out there!""
"
"just by using the tongue in his head,
steve had talked young jos? into bed.
he met jill the next day
for a roll in the hay.
""i'm so glad i'm bilingual,"" he said.
"
"man, my ex shows amazing persistence!
she is willing to drive any distance
just to spew forth her hate
at the girls that i date....
she's the bane of my love life's existence.
"
"the art dealer owned an emporium
by the name of the ancient amphorium.
he would keep all his files
on rare vessels and vials
in a hidden and locked abditorium.
"
"if your hand shakes while drawing a line,
and you need to start over, that's fine!
no frettin', no fumin'...
to err? hey, it's human!
(to moo, though, is simply bovine.)
"
"near the end of the flowering season,
male ferns tend to lose all their reason.
they would trade half their stem
just to meet the right femme
for some hot archegonial pleasin'.
"
"as you balefully downwardly glance,
i ask: why are you looking askance?
is there gunk on my shoe?
have i stepped in some goo?
no... it seems i've gone out without pants.
"
"they say barleycorn held quite a grip
on the pilgrims who'd taken their trip
from the old world to new?
they stopped early to brew
some new ale, for they'd none left to sip.
"
"pocket aces!  i stifled a shiver.
flopped a set; drew a bet from my quiver.
when i pushed 'em all in,
she just called with a grin...
with my aces, i drowned at the river.
"
"while the quidditch team wouldn't begrudge her
a spot on the team, we should nudge her:
""keep your eye on the ball,
or in no time at all,
you'll be knocked off your broom by a bludger.""
"
"when i set up to brew, my default beer
is the d?sseldorf style called the altbier.
strength and body are soft,
so it's easily quaffed.
not too hoppy; it's largely a malt beer.
"
"i brew beer for my pet armadillo.
(he sleeps next to me here on my pillow.)
my last batch was a beauty!
both bitter and fruity.
the hops that i used?  amarillo.
"
"we're resplendent in purple and blues,
clothed in brilliant and radiant hues!
with our tail-feathers fanned
we look regal and grand.
(it's bizarre, though?we're both kangaroos.)
"
"in boston town, back in the day,
arthur gilman filled in the back bay.
he said, ""won't it be grand
when this swamp's turned to land?
we can shop... grab a bite... catch a play...""
"
"bilateralism implies
two nations improving their ties,
when they reach an accord
on which both are aboard,
advantageous in everyone's eyes.
"
"bilbo baggins's epic endeavor
was arranged by a wizard most clever.
though his ring brought him fame,
it made gollum exclaim,
""we hates it!  we hates it forever!""
"
"i'm missing my feet and my toes.
i'd sneeze, but i haven't a nose,
or a head, come to think...
i can't hear, i can't drink.
this acephalopodia blows!
"
"you're upset?they accuse you of blandness?
well, your deeds are all marked by their grandness!
with the mob you've been warring;
who cares if you're boring?
return to the subject at hand, ness!
"
"while machines work with sensors and gears
all designed by the best engineers,
people do it organically
(biomechanically)?
ligaments, muscles and ears.
"
"now, i don't speak your language, i fear,
yet your meaning's abundantly clear.
i'm no mind-reading boy,
or an empath like troi...
it's this babel fish stuck in my ear.
"
"the archdeaconry had a new minister
whose methods were strange, though not sinister.
for communion ? a ritz!
and he'd sit in the schvitz
for the baptisms he would administer.
"
"ford was one of the novel's smart-alecks.  he
had friends who were anencephalics.  he
appeared, sirs and madams,
in a book by d. adams,
the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.
"
"said the doctor, ""my firm diagnosis
is abdominal fibromatosis.
a tumor's the issue?
not cancerous tissue,
but merely a type of fibrosis.""
"
"hail to barleywine, beverage divine!
'tis the grain, not the grape, 'twill define
this thrice-potent beer
brewed for midwinter cheer...
i'll opine that this ""wine"" i'd enshrine!
"
"i said ""babe,"" taking cash from my billfold,
""if you play me heads-up, then you will fold.
got two pair?  i don't care!
'neath the heat of my stare,
you could pick up a flush, and you'd still fold.""
"
"we've had budget cuts at the smithsonian.
quite substantial... you could say draconian.
damned washington vultures,
they've cut ""ancient cultures.""
good-bye, souvenirs babylonian!
"
"an ashanti folkloric confider
told me tales of anansi the spider
that not everyone knows...
like the one where he goes
to the pub and gets squiffy on cider.
"
"so pretentious!  my friends try their hardest
to create in a style avant-gardist.
steve's writing's quixotic;
sue's dancing's chaotic;
and jill is a postmodern artist.
"
"in a tree that was covered with hard bark
lived a rather anomalous aardvark.
the tree was in reno,
right near a casino.
(he raked in the bucks as a card shark.)
"
"though the food hit your stomach quite heavily
at the borscht belt resorts like the nevele,
it was kosher, at least!
jewish guests used to feast
through the day and all night until reveille.
"
"though i hope you don't think me a quitter,
when i party, i'm no heavy hitter,
and i must go to bed
with a rather clear head...
so i'll stop at my ninth pint of bitter.
"
"babylonian talmud: a tome
by the jews who were torn from their home.
it's the law today's jews
are most likely to use
(except those from the mideast or rome).
"
"while whistling a whimsical shanty,
she cheerfully put in her ante.
""no sir, i'm no joker...
we're playing strip poker,
so why can't i ante my panty?""
"
"""shakespeare's syntax is terribly dated,""
the reviewer assertively stated.
""his thou's and his thee's
leave me quite ill at ease...
and othello?  king lear?  overrated!""
"
"robbie robertson carefully planned
to depart in a manner most grand
from the rock-and-roll stage...
though he couldn't get page,
he still danced one last waltz with the band.
"
"something's wrong in the kitchen, i know,
for the progress on dinner is slow.
it's just dinah's old friend,
singing songs without end,
as she strums on her vintage banjo.
"
"as my funds will evaporate soon,
i must vacate my dwelling come june.
making rent's out of reach...
i'll just sleep on the beach,
as i bask in the light of the moon.
"
"i believe it should not be unlawful
to snort up cocaine by the strawful.
it's quite bad for your heart,
so it's wise not to start?
but to jail folks for snorting?  that's awful!
"
"a narrative anticlimactic
was penned by an author didactic...
have your senses i shocked?
is your eyebrow now cocked?
it's because i've used words asyntactic.
"
"if you've not enough malt when you brew,
use of adjuncts you shouldn't eschew.
add some corn or some rice...
though it won't taste as nice,
it will make spuds mackenzie aroooo!
"
"what's wrong with the baby?  you think he
needs a nap, or a bottle to drink?  he
keeps on howling and crying...
there's just no denying:
you shouldn't have taken his binky!
"
"though you've plenty of beauty and charm,
i'll depart now in haste and alarm?
if that hulk bringing drinks
is your beau, then methinks
i'm about to face bodily harm.
"
"i don't want to come off as a meany,
but our waitress's brain must be teeny!
look, she brought caviar?
does she think i'm the czar?
i asked her for blintzes, not blini!
"
"how dare you accuse me of shrewishness?
all i said is ""your blood lacks for bluishness.""
it's a fact: you're a peasant!
you're rather unpleasant...
your smell?  a suggestion of zoo-ishness.
"
"if you'd like a locale to get lost in,
then forget about cleveland or austin.
choose a city of age
with its roads full of rage,
and its streets made from cowpaths, like boston!
"
"i've been touring through europe this year,
doing serious research... on beer!
i've tried hundreds while here;
what's my favorite? it's clear:
""to heaven and bock"" is my cheer!
"
"the desk of the clown they call ""silly"" reuben
holds naught but a half-eaten chilly reuben.
he left really quick
since his newborn is sick:
she has jaundice (a surplus of bilirubin).
"
"in my garden, i've got quite a braw mix!
enough cabbage for anyone's slaw mix,
lots of herbs to peruse,
fruits in all kinds of hues...
glad i majored in home agronomics.
"
"she gets vitamins through a syringe;
in her stupor, she feels not a twinge.
see, she got this mad urge
which compelled her to ""purge!""
but she kept on forgetting to binge.
"
"with his humor and temperament manic,
douglas adams advised us, ""don't panic.""
with his fish in my ear,
i've got quite a career...
i'm hotblack desiato's mechanic!
"
"in the boondocks, she practiced her skills,
but the lure of the bling gave her chills.
""man, this country life sucks!
i could rake in the bucks
if i set up in beverly hills!""
"
"evolutionists blithely ignored
all the proof in the book we've adored.
this darwinian menace is
answered by genesis!
""done in a week.  love, the lord.""
"
"clinton's dalliance caused a sensation,
interrupting affairs of the nation.
he's a genius of sorts,
but his mind's in his shorts!
(a good case against cephalization.)
"
"the art of aromatization
is frequently fraught with frustration.
all too often, a scent
won't come out as you meant,
and will challenge your lab's ventilation.
"
"kay received many comments (quite crass!)
from the biblicist teaching the class.
at her first faint complaint,
he replied, ""i'm no saint!
i can't help it... i covet thine ass!""
"
"""it's too risky a venture,"" i groaned.
""please don't have your pet basilisk cloned.
all the research has found
when these reptiles abound
we just all sit around getting stoned.""
"
"when i gave you my script you said, ""trust me...
without colorful words, what would lust be?""
now my bitch is a brat
and her [bleep-bleep]'s a cat...
your censorial actions disgust me!
"
"in regard to your mammal amassment
(i don't want this to sound like harassment):
you've got six breeds of dogs,
also llamas and hogs...
but i can't help but ask where your ass went?
"
"adolescentilism is dirty!
you dress up like a schoolgirl, get flirty
with the guys on the team...
you're a quarterback's dream!
but your age?  it's the far side of thirty.
"
"he'd get slapped by each woman he kissed,
and you'd think he'd have gotten the gist.
but his ways went unchanged
'til the ladies arranged
for an order of cease and desist.
"
"i tried watching that movie the blair
witch project.  it gave me a scare.
my avoidance response
was to firmly ensconce
myself curled, on the floor, 'neath my chair.
"
"be thou willing to serve and to love.
seek thou guidance from god up above.
for these things (you should do)
make a more christly you;
plus don't jostle when push comes to shove.
"
"""what is biogeographical, clyde?""
""it's what different landscapes provide
to keep life forms alive,
help them prosper and thrive
in each place that biota abide.""
"
"when the king (or the queen) says it's grand
to take over some other folk's land,
a crown colony's chartered.
those natives not martyred
are ruled with a cruel iron hand.
"
"""what is that?"" asked the man.  ""oh, my word!""
""a blue heron or 'mile-or-more bird'.""
""why, that name sounds absurd.""
""that's because you've not heard:
when it craps that's the length of its turd.""
"
"sob.  my pen pal will no longer write;
over politics, we had a fight.
now with no correspondence,
i feel more despondence?
and no longer care i was right.
"
"the great medici?movers and shakers,
aristocrats, bankers, lawmakers.
source of monarchs and popes,
they were blue bloods, no dopes,
and had plenty of dough, but weren't bakers.
"
"""did dot diet?  i think she looks bonier,
and her skin now looks healthy and tonier.""
""as a rich surgeon's wife,
she's been under the knife;
those improvements?  they don't get much phonier!""
"
"deep-dish pizza's the style of the pie
with the cheese, sauce and toppings piled high.
the thin crusts of new york
don't require a fork;
but that's not what chicagoans buy.
"
"my denturist likes to place bets
between making false teeth, but he frets
when his ponies don't win,
and (a far greater sin)
puts the bite on me, then he forgets.
"
"her sweet sacred songs you admire!  you
hear her chant, and it tends to inspire you.
but don't rush like a fool
to cantorial school?
there's no rule says a shul has to hire you...
"
"cayman islands?  think pirates, my chum!
in the past, you'd be under their thumb
if you happened to reach
their carribean beach...
now, it's mainly a place to buy rum.
"
"the brain, in uncountable scenes,
crafts a plan thanks to super-spliced genes.
when his schemes for the world
are exposed or unfurled,
he'll cry, ""pinky! you know what this means?!""
"
"if a rabbi will drive in his car
to the mall on shabbat (pretty far!),
his unorthodox ways
will speak of his days
as a member of ccar.
"
"robber bob's quite a pro!  case in point:
he spent hours in casing the joint
he intended to rob,
doing such a good job,
we've a new ""prince of thieves"" to anoint.
"
"mr. whiskers was always demonic,
running circles at speeds supersonic.
but he's now taken ill,
sitting slack-jawed and still...
so the vet gave our poor cat a tonic.
"
"since a case contains twenty-four beers,
running low was not one of my fears.
but a buddy came by...
now my cooler is dry!
time to head to the store, it appears.
"
"in the case of the wandering rhino,
the detective, a strapping albino,
finds the gate of the zoo
to be bent and askew.
does the rhino escape?  hell if i know...
"
"i confess i would feel out of place
if this ferris wheel flew into space.
breathing freely's my plan
(i'm an oxygen fan),
so i'll stay on the ground, just in case.
"
"the jewelry case held a ruby
that the thief tried to steal?what a newbie!
he should know there's no scheme
that our ""meddlesome"" team
cannot thwart (with some help from our scooby)!
"
"the creation we call asparation
is a hybridized veggie mutation.
it's like broccoli crossed
with asparagus; tossed
with balsamic, a tasty sensation!
"
"for a greeting that's slightly outr?,
a bit sexy but never risqu?,
you don't want to say ""yo!""
or ""what's shaking, my bro?""
be like fonzie?and simply say ""aaaay!""
"
"for a poet-to-be, it's not hard
to compose in the style of the bard.
string some iambs together
that mention the weather.
(in klingon, it's quite avant-garde.)
"
"ahinoam was bride to king saul,
bearing some of his sons, but not all.
the others were carried
by girls he'd not married,
who slept in a room down the hall.
"
"if you're caught smoking pot in pyongyang,
then your cell door will shut with a clang.
but i'm happy to say
that it's fine in bombay,
if you'd like to go out with a bhang.
"
"common wormwood grows right over yonder;
its absinthic effects we should ponder.
see, it stops gassy rumbling ?
intestinal mumbling ?
thus, absinthe helps hearts to grow fonder.
"
"creationists worried that scopes
would have made them all out to be dopes.
""to deny we're from god
is insulting and flawed!
as if apes were the grandpas of popes...""
"
"john adams: a man of invective,
independence his major objective.
he was brilliant but dreary;
he'd shout until weary.
obnoxious... disliked... but effective.
"
"does your coffee elicit a ""wow!""?
offered more, do folks answer ""and how!""?
it's the beans that you use...
or the chocolate and booze
from the jigger of cr?me de cacao.
"
"though infrequently written or heard,
its usage is not that absurd,
so there's no need to edit.
miss hoover has said it:
""a perfectly cromulent word!""
"
"i'm the site of herr jones's vendetta.
by iskenderun, now i'm known better.
biggest town in hatay?
come on down and stop by!
i'm the city called alexandretta.
"
"father tom's an illustrious cleric
whose sermons are antihysteric.
no matter how crazed,
you'll find yourself dazed,
as his words are beyond esoteric.
"
"since her c-section, mary complains
that she aches every time that it rains.
there's no ointment or gel
that can quiet or quell
her abdominovaginal pains.
"
"you went crashing  head-first through the tent?!
that simply was not what i meant
when in passing i said
that the shape of your head
had an aerodynamical bent.
"
"if you tell anybody, i'll cane ya,
but the cops in st. claire, pennsylvania
say my sweetie's a crook!
she steals book after book,
so acute is her bibliomania.
"
"a bohemian brewer's advisor
cried, ""this pilsner is fit for a kaiser!""
but then anheuser-busch
gave their lawyers a push...
now they're czechvar?they're older budweiser.
"
"such bravura!  what consummate skill!
how you climbed up the mountain with jill,
sent your foes to the slaughter?
and all for some water!
(from there, though, it all went downhill....)
"
"the captain's abhorrent amenance
caused a backlash among his lieutenants.
see, he'd tend to abuse
both his men and his booze...
so he's now in the brig doing penance.
"
"our children are preadolescent,
and their use of our pool is incessant.
but the ph is high,
so we went out to buy
some suppressant for trends alkalescent.
"
"it appears that good fortune has missed ya,
and old mother nature has dissed ya.
yer problem? none sadder:
yer missing yer bladder!
(the doctor would call it acystia.)
"
"when yer speakin' of math stuff, closed sets
ain't a concep' that all of us gets,
but we all understan's
they're fer keepin' us fans
away from them movie starettes.
"
"at our house, i'm the cranberry boss.
i abominate canned berry dross.
why is mine so damned dandy?
it's fresh berries and brandy ?
gives new meaning to hitting the sauce.
"
"i'm emotional during my time,
and i sob at the drop of a dime.
i was wailing when nailed;
now i'm wailing while jailed.
i-i'm putting the cry-y in crime.
"
"to emancipate orcas they try
every trick in the book, as would i ?
but amendment thirteen?
are their legal minds keen,
or is ingrid exceedingly high?
"
"in australia there lives a big bird.
it's not yellow and can't speak a word,
but this curious creature
shares one big bird feature:
an emu can't fly. how absurd!
"
"""the wizard of menlo park"" brightened
our lives with inventions that heightened
our pleasure and ease.
""tell us how, if you please?""
""it was sweat, mostly,"" thomas enlightened.
"
"in the stock exchange, bond picked some locks
to ensure he could flee like a fox,
but he then spied a blonde
and so failed to abscond.
the police secured bond in the stocks.
"
"from my snooze, i awoke to the stews'
cries for women and children, in queues.
was i on the titanic?
what could cause all this panic?
it was spam on our carnival cruise.
"
"on the frigate, the mate yelled, ""hey, you!
don't you know the inspection's at two?
is your head full of dung?
why's your hammock not slung?""
""it's cuz, cap'n, i ain't got a clew.""
"
"there once was a foolish marine
who deployed sans his blasting machine.
sarge said: ""now, breach the hatch!""
off he went ? with a match!
in his memory, they've built a latrine.
"
"you've no gown for the ball, so you're blue?
got no carriage, and nary a shoe?
well, your lot's not so tragic.
i'll help you?with magic!
now... bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!
"
"at the smokenders meeting she sits
(a result of her bronchial fits),
since she's trying to break
the routine she can't shake:
first she smokes... then she coughs... then she quits....
"
"abbey ale's what we brew here, we trappists.
(we're in belgium, for all of you mappists.)
strong and rich, full in body;
as sweet as a toddy.
i'm glad that we're brewers, not frappists.
"
"androgynous ari enjoys
the disruption of comfort and poise
with a role that's unclear?
""is she straight?""  ""is he queer?""
who can tell? ari's one of the bois.
"
"the second commandment should dwarf
one's desire to anthropomorph,
like to say god resembles
a baby who trembles
or a docker who works on the wharf.
"
"if the lads down in cork had their way,
erin's bosom would happily sway
uncontrolled, unrestrained...
so they've loudly campaigned
to have erin go braless all day.
"
"there are problems with breakage that glue fixes;
if your artwork's too yellow, then blue fixes.
a big yellow bird
broke his tongue on the word
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.
"
"will folks whose attention is flighty
know how to pronounce aphrodite?
they won't know the e's long,
so in verse or in song,
aphrodite should come after nightie.
"
"the insects of amphibiotica
have larvae that hatch in aquatica.
while their folks are a-wooing,
let's watch what they're doing...
it's amphibiotic erotica.
"
"listen, pete, would you give it a rest?
it was clear that the gig had you stressed...
and who knew that those lads
would be more than just fads?
your leaving was all for the best!
"
"your teasing this bear is quite dareful,
but you should be cautious and careful.
he's hungry and glaring,
so stop with the daring!
you'll just end up making the bear full.
"
"i've enlisted the army to aid
in combating this mess that i've made.
yes, the natives are restless
(why won't they ingest less?)
cuz i'm out of whiskey to trade.
"
"from b.c. down to baja it flows,
gently cooling the coast as it goes.
this swell current's pacific,
algific, prolific
of fish. it's terrific for those!
"
"i remember how, back in the day,
we enjoyed a good roll in the hay.
since your marriage to lex,
seems we never have sex,
what with him and his pecs in the way.
"
"to keep all the fur on my puli
from quickly becoming unruly,
the folks where he's boarding
are counseling cording.
the rasta look's dreadful though, truly!
"
"when rosalie goes for a walk,
she well knows that her clothes are the talk
of this town, and it shows,
but this gown can expose
more than toes, so some schmoes stand and gawk.
"
"bea was yearning one night to be cuddled,
but hubby was slumped where pee puddled.
she glared at him hunkered,
and blared: ""you damned drunkard!""
his drinking would e'er leave bea fuddled.
"
"with medieval devices i'm thrilled,
but the prices can leave a guy chilled.
like on ebay: a pole arm
that could sever your whole arm?
and a leg! (it's a pain getting billed.)
"
"the lion's not king of the jungle!
i laugh when folks make such a bungle.
they need room to roam,
so savannas are home.
the legitimate king's likely fungal.
"
"leaving cleveland has filled me with cheeriness,
'cause my stay had instilled me with leeriness.
it's the lake?i'm aghast?
just so strange, cold, and vast.
as a rule, i'm not vexed by mere eeriness.
"
"what was asked he made clear with aplomb
(after all, he's the chef at le bomb).
""first, the butter should simmer,
'fore you scoop, with your skimmer,
the impurities,"" clarified tom.
"
"does becoming a butterfly hurt?
does the chrysalis hope to avert
its emergence to light?
is it scared to take flight?
my anxieties keep me inert.
"
"we had welcomed young swift so invitingly;
even so, when he spoke, he spoke slightingly.
he threw in, at the end,
one last jab to offend:
""and your mutt is all bark!"" tom snapped bitingly.
"
"since his head, hands and feet were immense,
""acromegaloid freak!"" gave offense.
so to stop feeling down,
he got work as a clown:
""shoes that fit, crowds that roar, it's intense!""
"
"met my wife at a fun contra dance
where up and down lines we would prance,
on toes and on heels,
to jigs and to reels.
till then, i'd been contra-romance.
"
"the cooking of crank is insane,
but the cash makes it hard to abstain.
though instead of out schmoozing,
i'm steadily using,
'cause crank is now cooking my brain.
"
"when i turned in my rifle that night,
said the armorer, ""whoa, this ain't right;
the scope's missing, you jerk!""
but the bribe did its work ?
now he's blind to the loss of my sight.
"
"he's a spring and he's coiled ? why the airs?
we're here pushin' and pullin', but where's
that damn slinky? out playin',
again! i'm just sayin'
i hope he won't ""slip"" down those stairs.
"
"to crush 'til it's wrinkled is crumple.
to make the sheets wrinkled is rumple.
but who would have thought
(because novel it's not)
that to fold, perhaps wrinkle, is dumple?
"
"i wish ?nglish all?wed us to ?se
diacr?tics to g?ve us more c?es.
when i'm str?ggling with m?ter,
less w?rk sounds much sw?eter.
then ? could just f?cus on b?oze.
"
"""you look a bit entomoid, mel.""
""are you saying i'm not looking well?""
""you appear in fine fettle,
and i don't mean to meddle,
but you've wings and a chitinous shell.""
"
"because i'm exploitive and cruel,
i might use you and call you a tool,
or i'll work you unfairly,
and pay you but barely,
yet mommy still calls me her jewel.
"
"there once was a con, l. ron hubbard,
and because of his con, many blubbered.
folks still slam lifeless ron,
but his scam will live on,
and for those at the con, a full cupboard.
"
"the equidae family, of course,
has as members the ass and the horse.
as to which is the badder,
i've been told it's the latter,
which comes straight from the mouth of my source.
"
"my dog, though he's quick, ain't a greyhound,
and he's not, without training, a stay hound,
but he thinks that his job
is to fetch all i lob,
which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.
"
"at the school where the twenty kids died,
where their peers had been taught to divide,
did they hear a last bell
that dismissed them from hell?
as the ropes became taut?not one cried.
"
"lined with nerves that discern what's to pass,
whether solid or liquid or gas,
and some sphincters whose role
is retaining control?
it is not just a hole in your ass.
"
"wanna cut a cylindrical hole?
then the drill bit's the tool i extol.
you must torque it of course,
and use axial force.
on the whole, it's a straightforward goal.
"
"i exploit the resource i have mined.
i exploit the recourse law defined.
i exploit the young horse.
i exploit the tongue, norse.
i'm exploitive?perforce i'm maligned.
"
"the artillery shelling had ceased.
visibility slowly increased.
then i saw on our flanks
the remains of our tanks.
i'm just grateful the armor was leased.
"
"i tried to hunt lions for sport.
shot the face, so i had to resort
to stuffing his rear
for a trophy?oh, dear!
a catastrophe?  yes, of a sort.
"
"not unlike an elongated shoe,
it's a boat that holds two: me and you.
here's my problem: i fear
i don't know how to steer,
so i'll worriedly ask you, ""canoe?""
"
"a rock-n-roll drummer named beard
said, ""it's rather ironic and weird,
but who could have planned
that our little ol' band
would be cheered for its beards... but beard's sheared?""
"
"two forms?the same stuff: allotropical.
to say ""diamond and coal"" would be topical.
but ""water and ice""
or ""rice pudding and rice""
would be uses i'd call malapropical.
"
"don't chuckle or chortle or mutter...
get your dirty mind out of the gutter!
a butt shaft, in fact, is
an arrow for practice
that penetrates nothing but butter!
"
"on tv, sarah g. would portray her;
as a hero, she's clearly a player.
this diminutive blonde
could outfight jimmy bond:
she's buffy the vampire slayer.
"
"in hold 'em, a player may find
that she's caught in a bit of a bind:
she'll not bet quite enough
to succeed as a bluff,
and instead she'll get raised by the blind.
"
"at the fair, the old snaggletoothed carny
made a statement i thought to be blarney:
""now, ladies and gents,
in the first of our tents
we've the huge purple dinosaur, barney!""
"
"the biblical boaz, forsooth,
practiced charity, justice and truth.
this powerful man,
in the name of his clan,
took the hand of the widow named ruth.
"
"understanding his speech was a pain.
(was the problem his mouth or his brain?)
though the kid was a star,
buckwheat's words were bizarre!
you should take them with salt (just a grain).
"
"i exploit all the sources i find.
i exploit all the forces i bind.
i exploit men's divorces.
i exploit men's remorses.
to exploit all, of course, is unkind.
"
"the molecule's love turned to hate
at the loss of his much cherished mate.
""when our fight got too hot,
she then broke from that spot,
and has moved to a different state.""
"
"allow movement in more than one plane?
there's a method in no way arcane:
it's a sphere that will pivot
in a round sort of divot.
then an arm or a leg has free rein.
"
"despite what my doctor professes,
not using is not what distresses.
there's some stuff... what i mean...
some folks say staying clean
involves cleaning up all my old messes.
"
"i hit a small bird where i aimed,
but it lived, and i left it there maimed.
this was craven and cruel;
i was such a weak fool.
to this day, i am greatly ashamed.
"
"the frame of this clamp forms a c;
screw it closed?it resembles a d.
it holds tight when i glue
what i've broken in two.
it sure suits that ol' task to a t.
"
"astronomy? that's for some nerd.
the study of stars? how absurd!
the locus of dippers?
i'll focus on strippers
who stroke us big tippers?i've heard.
"
"he's a real anecdotical wiz,
which, it seems, helps a bunch in his biz,
cuz he makes lots of sales
with his short, witty tales.
maybe that's what good salesmanship is.
"
"some might say i had gone a bit far
when i crashed through the door in my car,
hit a wall with a thud,
and demanded more bud;
my drunkenness razes the bar.
"
"at church was this person prelatic
attending to duties sabbatic
while wearing a miter?
but nothing beside 'er!
we prayed he would don a dalmatic.
"
"all i'd left was a douche bag to buy.
(there is little more fun for a guy.)
well, at least, i'd be done;
then i bumped into one,
so, of course, the jerk blackened my eye.
"
"as far as fatalities go,
here's a fact that i think apropos:
there is less loss of life
on our roads, where it's rife,
if a third-grader drives your renault.
"
"this damned verse is poetic conceit.
take a look! it's not even complete.
it will surely be banned;
there's no way this will stand...
lacking feet.
"
"i'm a music tycoon on a roll.
r&b's the domain i control.
i am nobody's fool;
i'm exploitive and cruel,
'cause i surely am baron of soul.
"
"the ship sank, now its cargo is flotsam,
and, because it was floating, we caught some.
it was steaks?how delish!
we were tired of fish,
so who cares if they'd started to rot some?
"
"there once was a bishop (oft wroth)
who was guilty of gluttony and sloth.
and his vestments (oft fusty)
were crummy and crusty.
he had to be cut from the cloth.
"
"there once was a don quite quixotic.
a noble of spain?how exotic!
the ladies all said
he was dexterous in bed,
but not right in the head (yes, psychotic).
"
"there once was a god known as janus:
the god of transitions, they train us.
to aid with the passage
of feces through assage,
he blessed us with glands near the anus.
"
"a smart alec thinks this is true:
that he's smart, and he knows more than you.
but australians, i hear,
are quite likely to jeer,
cuz he's not, so just alec will do.
"
"there once was a worker of steel
who could temper and forge and anneal.
with those fabrile-type skills
he could more than pay bills,
but he still lacked a certain appeal.
"
"he's a fledgling insurgent, it's true,
but he's under my wing, so don't stew.
though he's new to this fight,
he's both stalwart and bright;
he can help us to hatch a new coup.
"
"dea apparatchiks anoint
their dispatches with stats they say point
to the horns sounding mort.
""are they high?"" i then snort,
""they've but mushroomed the ranks in the joint!""
"
"till we dock, it's at least a damned fortnight.
fourteen days ain't exactly a short night.
i been missing the honeys
and i's oodles o' monies?
when this steamer hits port, it's cavort night!
"
"an artist, whose sketches would rank
with the best, was forthcoming and frank:
""it would seem that my muse
is providing no cues,
so right now, i am drawing a blank.""
"
"your bad teeth come from smoking some drugs,
but your breath, which is choking, 'sfrom bugs.
in this antibiosis
they cause halitosis,
so i must just say no, sis, to hugs.
"
"this is combat, a raid, no parade.
all the plans have been laid and relayed.
one more battle today,
once more into the fray;
lord, my nerves are all frayed?i'm afraid!
"
"""is this welfare for animals real?
did our government pass such a deal?
will my dog get a check?""
""is your brain but a speck?
it's to safeguard those under our heel.""
"
"my kids found a cat that was scruffy,
and at first, i was pretty darn huffy,
but they washed him real well,
and then dried him a spell?
in the dryer. i love our cat fluffy.
"
"a woman and i had a fling:
it's a short sort of sexual thing.
cuz her hubby felt stung,
out the door i was flung?
now my ass and my arm's in a sling.
"
"though i so love my bulldog?he's british?
is his pedigree even legitish?
sure, he seems to be bold
when the bearskin's unrolled,
but on bare floors, that fool dog is skiddish.
"
"with all life, this biota is rife,
yet there's not an iota of strife.
seems this region's exotic:
life's become symbiotic?
unlike me and dakota, my wife.
"
"a dentist from denver named dennis
fixed teeth much like i would play tennis.
and this is to say
there is no friggin' way
i'd be treated by dennis the menace.
"
"it was not like she'd done a slow strip
when she'd given her skirt a quick flip.
so, just what did it mean?
and just what had i seen?
was it maybe a freudian slip?
"
"as a sniper, he's way above par,
so the ops are too many by far.
with this killing campaigning,
his ardor is waning,
soon gone, like a bright shooting star.
"
"the braid and the cord i've been hoarding?
i think i will use it as cording:
to decorate clothing.
it's work i am loathing,
but hopefully very rewarding!
"
"as we float o'er the ocean, i sigh,
'cause the end of our voyage is nigh.
alas, soon we'll be docking;
it's like a defrocking:
in my airship, i'm lord of the sky.
"
"if you're dead and corrupt, that's okay:
you're decaying the natural way.
but to screw the majority
by misusing authority?
well, that ain't, and you oughta say ney.
"
"farmer george was, um, fond of his sheep,
but that's not why i'd call him a creep.
he attacked nascent states
until one of our greats,
planter george, downright kicked the king's [bleep].
"
"the taste of her lips? like a pear.
love the smell of her freshly washed hair.
and the sight of her lingers
like the touch of her fingers.
though when hearing her voice, i despair.
"
"the detective i thought was a hick,
isn't clueless, but really quite slick.
'cause that slow-motion sleuth
has uncovered the truth?
i've been nailed by a limp-looking dick.
"
"said effeminate tennis coach, nate,
""one serves crosscourt, diagonally, mate,
to the opposite end.
do you now comprehend?
it is not how we cross-dressers date!""
"
"there are tactical tricks while competing
that are based on some breach that is fleeting.
these intentional fouls
seldom cause any scowls,
though they're clearly deliberate cheating.
"
"won't you please put an end to this crap!
this new page is superfluous pap.
it adds nil to the essence;
it's but an excrescence,
like having three hands when you clap.
"
"when he tendered his plan, the boss yawned.
an alternative strategy dawned:
""you must constantly hear
how your daughter's a dear,
and i love the name bambi,"" tom fawned.
"
"let's say you and your mom were real chummy,
but she's croaked, so you're feeling real crummy.
a dehydrator's swell
for preserving things well;
you can then remain close to your mummy.
"
"have your cities?our home is agrestic.
the landscape and stars are majestic.
we weave our own tweed,
save some honey for mead,
and of course, all our weed is domestic.
"
"this critic was not a young pup,
and certainly no unsung crup.
a glowing review
from him was a coup.
and?wow?that goodbye: two thumbs up!
"
"said a seed to his guest, ""i'm no louse,
and in general, it's best not to grouse,
but your thick, outer coat
broke my best serving boat?
doff your episperm, please, in this house!""
"
"over here! i'm, um, tied to this tree.
would you mind, kind sir, setting me free?
what's this talk of legality?
it's a damned factuality!
my imprisonment's real?can't you see?
"
"i think crup is a swell word to know
to inflict an obscure verbal blow.
since this term is defined
as a horse's behind,
it, for many, is quite apropos.
"
"i'm confronting my wife about fred
after catching them both in our bed.
i insist she reveal
all she has to conceal?
like exactly why fred was caught dead!
"
"for drilling, we thought we were primed;
now our good reputation's begrimed.
just one huge oil slick
and folks turn on you quick.
i have even been publicly slimed!
"
"even though the recruiter is smarmy
and losing my freedom is barmy,
explosions are fun
and they'll give me a gun,
so i'm gonna enlist in the army.
"
"""what the hell is a freakin' duvet?
ain't that french for, like, totally gay?""
""it's a comforter, silly,
with a cover?mine's frilly?
and beneath is where we're gonna play.""
"
"she got angry on finding him dead:
""he alluded to clearing his head.
though the drill bit was dull,
it got through his thick skull.
is it any surprise i see red?""
"
"if the word that be out of your mouth
would be drought (or poetically drouth),
'tis quite clearly about
some one thing you're without
when supply, have no doubt, hath gone south.
"
"bond, while listening to wiretaps, heaves
a big sigh as he turns the log's leaves,
but then bond spies a blonde
and so fails to respond
to the ninjas who drop from the eaves.
"
"""my electrified fence?best not touch?
is protecting my critters and such.""
that was what i had boasted
till cattle got roasted.
could twelve thousand amps be too much?
"
"on the road, while you're shucking and jiving,
defensive describes how i'm driving.
i leave lots of space
and maintain a safe pace.
be ye foolish or worse ? i'm surviving!
"
"you say college will make me well-rounded
and working will help keep me grounded.
i'm not disagreeing;
i just prefer skiing...
and seeing you gaping, dumbfounded.
"
"on the stage, his performance is facile.
it's effortless, easy, no hassle.
he's smoother than silk,
he's the best of that ilk.
so, what else would i say? i'm his vassal.
"
"that i love lotsa blubber ain't batty;
a polar bear needs food that's fatty!
in summer that's tough,
so i eat other stuff,
like that?yuck!?vegetarian patty.
"
"american drivers are bad,
and their lack of civility's sad.
most should stay out of cars
lest we all end with scars.
what they're good at is driving me mad.
"
"a german gent tackled the task
of designing a conical flask
with a wide, stable base
and a neck to embrace.
it's for mixing things up, since you ask.
"
"i'd heard candice the cannonball's speech
about leaving to live at the beach,
so, of course, i was leery
of the ringmaster's query:
""would you mind stepping into the breach?""
"
"it seems robert's a yolo type yob.
not the sort to sit solo and sob.
always out raising hell,
and apparently well,
which is why there's a bolo on bob.
"
"a war reenactor from darby,
who mustered with gear that was farby,
was told to disown
his computer and phone,
not to mention his uzi and barbie.
"
"growing up in the streets was a pain,
though it taught me a lot in the main.
i've accrued education
with no formal foundation,
but i say that my school was two lane.
"
"there's an armor we use which reacts
when a rival's projectile impacts.
it explodes in a way
that knocks warheads astray,
so our tanks won't be stopped in their tracks.
"
"when his students had failed to do well,
the geometry teacher raised hell.
now he sits in the gloom
of an eight by eight room.
it's a small, equilateral cell.
"
"after crossing the nave and the cross,
he stood staring at stalls?all that gloss!
feeling awed and inspired,
young thomas inquired:
""is this where monks sing to the boss?""
"
"there once was a maid from quebec
who felt queer after getting a peck.
""doc, i fear i am smitten!""
""no, my dear, you are bitten!
note the dentiform holes in your neck.""
"
"mom wishes my spaniard were mute,
or that i would just give him the boot.
""i don't like your jos?;
to my ear, he's outr?.""
but i so think his accent's acute.
"
"when amyloid beta attacks,
in addition to aggregate plaques,
it embrittles the brain's
little vessels and veins;
then one's life slowly drains through the cracks.
"
"""you certainly had me bewitched;
then we married and everything switched.
you were once a delight;
now you won't treat me right.""
""stop your hounding!"" he barked as she bitched.
"
"for me there is little that's worse
than encountering more than one verse.
seems your balladry fails
where a limerick prevails.
would you please keep your narratives terse?
"
"if you've many like things in your list
but a few will give readers the gist,
then et cetera? will do
for those words you eschew.
and don't worry, they'll never be missed.
"
"abolitionists once were about
stopping slavery. righteous? no doubt.
it is now not as clear
what the thing is this year
that such folks know we  must do without.
"
"their bombard bombards me with boulder
(just spying this gun, i felt older).
though firing is slow,
where's a castle to go?
this ain't chess, so i sit here and smolder.
"
"on an island i think's caribbean,
you'll see, if in darkness you're seein',
a cute little frog
clingin' tight to a log,
and of course, hear its constant coquiin'.
"
"the black racer's a speedy snake, true,
and its blue racer cousin's fast, too.
but if fastest you need,
the black mamba's great speed
without doubt will beat both black and blue.
"
"in september comes autumn again
(if you live in the north), and that's when
all the leaves start to turn;
but what i'd like to learn:
who decided ""let's spell it m-n""?
"
"a dancer, hair bound with a prim bow,
decided she needed a slim beau,
for her boyfriend's too wide,
full five feet side to side
(and wider when standing akimbo).
"
"if you find that you're lacking a sack,
don't go moaning, ""alas and alack!""
or start making a scene.
get yourself some baline.
you may find you've a sack-making knack.
"
"akhenaten, who ruled on the nile,
confronted the priests in this style:
""you're redundant, you sods,
with your multiple gods!
you must worship just one for a while.""
"
"i tried teaching my pet bird to speak,
but no words ever came from his beak;
so we went to the vet.
""doc, what's wrong with my pet?""
""not a thing. it's an ostrich, you freak!""
"
"take light gray, add some yellow and brown;
you get beige, muted earth tone toned down.
it's the kind of a color
that couldn't be duller;
hue subdued, rarely worn by a clown.
"
"""let's be astronauts! earth can't restrain us!""
you answered, ""not me!"", which was heinous.
so i flew to the stars,
venus, pluto and mars!
you stayed home and just saturn uranus.
"
"an old gaffer's assistant felt cursed;
stress from work made him think he would burst.
he quit movies to start
up his own hot dog cart,
thereby going from best boy to wurst.
"
"hey, bellerophon, horseman so tough,
when folks see you dismount, they'll get rough,
for when pegasus flies,
each seeks cover and sighs,
""bird poop's bad, but enough is enough!""
"
"wanting lunch, in his kitchen he sought it.
found blue cheese; to the table he brought it,
took one bite, and dropped dead!
with his last breath, he said,
""say, that cheese wasn't blue when i bought it!""
"
"said a lawyer, ""i'll never go wrong
if i plead to the jury in song!
i will sing every case
while i play on my bass!""
(yes, this bard was disbarred before long.)
"
"profane was a fellow named fred;
he spewed curses with each thing he said.
thus he never would utter,
""dear, please pass the butter,""
but ""[bleep], [bleep] the [censored]!"" instead.
"
"i shall now speak of beestings ? don't laugh ?
it's first milk for a cow's new-born calf.
(well, especially cow,
but from all mammals: sow,
kangaroo, blue whale, gnu or giraffe.)
"
"they say even a long-distance trucker,
or a down-and-out mandolin plucker,
when they want to impress,
know to properly dress
and will put on their best bib and tucker.
"
"what is bigness? it just means the state
of possessing great number, size, weight,
or any old measure
you happen to treasure
that's some quantifiable trait.
"
"birk is the scots form of birch,
just as kirk, to a scot, means a church.
now i've said all i could.
""huh? this verse is no good;
and what's more,  you're a scots word for jerch!""
"
"freely flowed forth my tears in a torrent,
as i spoke of that swindle abhorrent
to the judge on the bench,
who said, ""act like a mensch
and stop crying; i'll issue a warrant.""
"
"i like my potatoes al dente.
to cook them ten minutes is plente,
so they don't turn to mush
or primordial slush
like they do when you boil them for twente.
"
"every one of us thinks, i suppose,
that he talks in quite accentless prose.
of course i speak correctly,
glaswegians abjectly,
and brummies all talk down their nose!
"
"adenoidally challenged, i fear
that most people will struggle to hear
through my snorting and splutter
the words that i utter ?
a nasal assault on the ear!
"
"an album is used for collections
of photographs, stamps, or selections
of snippets you've read,
written, doodled, or said ?
and it tends to provoke introspections.
"
"on a flight from brazil to peru,
no landing strip came into view.
my cessna was sputtering.
oaths i was uttering.
thank god! there's an airfield! whew!
"
"alcaeus, greek writer of yore,
wrote poetry once, but no more.
his meter obtuse
gives me ample excuse
to find verse that's alcaic a bore.
"
"a poor worn out housewife named holly
tried to send herself airmail to bali.
she arrived near to death
'cause of  shortness of breath
from the lack of an airhole, by golly!
"
"when aerodrome's said by a brit,
it's the place where an airplane will sit,
like a field or a port,
but of much smaller sort
than the airports where jetliners fit.
"
"a life in the country's for me.
the beauty of blossom and bee!
the arcadian life
with small pleasures is rife....
look there! it's a bulldozer, see?
"
"an elderly arborist, fred,
setting out to prune limbs that were dead,
found the trees in the orchard
so tangled and tortured,
he looked once and went back to bed.
"
"when you're weak, you are jeered at and mocked.
there's no refuge. a sissy gets socked
by the mean classroom bully.
your body's turned fully
to jelly. you're awed and you're shocked.
"
"mister pablo casals played the cello
like an angel. his tones were so mellow.
people treasured his tunes.
he defied franco's goons.
he had courage. he never was yellow.
"
"princess margaret once had a beau,
but alas could she marry him? no.
maggie's man was divorced
so that poor ""bird"" was forced
to fly off feeling sorrow and woe.
"
"noisy neighbors upstairs play cds
on their boombox. lord, stifle it, please!
compact discs pound my head
with the music i dread.
my poor eardrums are pierced like swiss cheese.
"
"""spare a dime?""  (that is only ten cents)
was the gist of what ladies and gents
who were down on their luck
had to sing. they would shuck
all their pride as they sang their laments.
"
"you're a perfectly pure intellectual.
your excitement derives from what's textual.
you avoid porno media,
and you help wikipedia.
no libido? you may be asexual.
"
"in conventional ways i'm not glamorous,
but my groupies call out to me, ""hammer us
with your rollicking rhyme.
we have such a good time
that we feel very loving and amorous.""
"
"pious people go really ballistic
when i tell them that i'm atheistic.
when i say there's no god,
am i strange, weird and odd
or just not an irrational mystic?
"
"the apostrophe's oft misapplied
between its and it's ? how to decide?
if belonging to it,
you'll be smart to omit;
if it is or it has, let it ride.
"
"in arrondissement 5, in paree,
les putains have such swift repartee.
when we sought a m?nage,
we got this badinage:
we asked, ""may we?""  she answered, ""mais oui!""
"
"e.a. poe got a friend of his blotto
on some bottles of amontillado
(it's a kind of a sherry),
then went on to bury
his buddy alive in his grotto.
"
"now the alewife's a kind of a fish,
but not fit for an elegant dish.
it resembles a shad,
which is not all that bad,
but it stinks like a week-old knish.
"
"now this limerick's quite the anomaly;
it's without definition or homily,
neither crude nor obscene,
it is perfectly clean
for reciting in front of your fomily.
"
"our conductor, who hailed from honduras,
had to finally quit and abjure us
for the cause of his woes
was our arpeggios
and we murdered appoggiaturas.
"
"i resolved, when the year was still new,
that all alcohol i would eschew.
but perhaps, though, a brief
little aperitif
at my desk?  i don't mind if i do.
"
"aquavit, taken neat, makes one placid.
have too much, though, and you may go flaccid.
and avoid aqua fortis ?
you'll get rigor mortis!
it's commonly called nitric acid.
"
"letter aitch, in some tongues, you can tell,
is pronounced not at all, or not well.
by the brits it is rated
their second-most hated,
right after, of course, ""bloody ell.""
"
"are you thinking of suing a pastor?
in days past, 'twould have been a disaster,
for all he would need
was to prove he could read,
and they couldn't dismiss the case faster!
"
"using blackamoor, i would submit,
seems offensive and just not legit.
it's an outdated noun
that would now make us frown
were it used by some whiterbrit git.
"
"houdini said ""alakazam!""
whilst transforming an ox to a clam.
but here's what i'm gleaning:
it's sound without meaning;
the magical version of spam.
"
"""the biggest of big-timers!"" please!
it's a label he's trying to seize.
he'll have groupies and roadies
and numerous toadies
backstage at his circus of fleas.
"
"""there are two types of glasses we need?
one for distance, another to read.
combine both into one,
you'll have bifocals, son!""
said ben franklin (with foresight, indeed).
"
"""my darling, this bijou's for you.
it is just like our love, rare and true.""
(though he tried to disguise
'twas a cracker jack prize,
it was like their love, and she knew.)
"
"here's to pinochle's forebear, bezique,
card game import from france ? magnifique! ?
often played with six packs
(when he wished to relax,
winston churchill found that version chic).
"
"when the zen master jammed with our band,
the result was incredibly grand.
yes, we played without flaws
to tremendous applause:
every listener clapped with one hand.
"
"the new sous-chef at susie's caf?
was accosted by sue's saucier,
who shouted and blustered
and hurled thyme and mustard.
her response to assault: pepper spray.
"
"said the king, ""doc, the biomaterial
should befit my position imperial.
make my new leg from gold
or from silver; not cold,
sweetened, store-bought, prepackaged  corn cereal.""
"
"how can frogs discern other frogs' sexes?
it is something that really perplexes.
but the frog knows, with glee,
which is he, which is she,
so they're able to pair for amplexus.
"
"when cupid with arrows takes aim
at a fellow, or else at a dame,
he shoots out a dart
which pierces a heart
and sets a new lover aflame.
"
"when your milk missed your cup the first try
and you need the whole floor to be dry,
absorbent's the wipe
that will clean in one swipe:
you'll no longer have reason to cry.
"
"the accompaniment to a song
is a melody that's played along.
it's not the main line
but together they're fine
'til the accompanyist gets it wrong.
"
"when your thoughts are both deep and profound
and you're longing to awe and astound,
if you speak with abstrusity,
then expect much obtusity
for such language will only confound.
"
"of adactylia one might suppose
there's no benefit anyone knows.
but one thought yet lingers?
if you're born without fingers
you're never caught picking your nose.
"
"an amusement park would be a place
in which ferris wheels spin, and we race
around circular tracks,
and consume lots of snacks.
stay at home if you don't like this pace.
"
"in the days before voicemail arrived,
the answering service biz thrived.
your words would be noted
by staffers devoted,
though often they sounded contrived.
"
"to succeed on the angelfish test,
you'd be bony and bright and compressed.
and if this is your wish,
do make sure you're a fish.
if you're not, you'll come off as a pest.
"
"in college we learn about psych
and bio and chem and the like.
by that last, i allude
to some more of this brood.
(not econ, though ? that school's on strike.)
"
"""hello! how about if we dance some?""
i said as i climbed through the transom.
i'm more than just cute.
you see, i'm a beaut.
good-looking and then some ? i'm handsome!
"
"the anatomist said, ""thank you, dear.
when i look from the front or the rear
at your body all day,
it's a wonderful way
to excel in my chosen career.""
"
"i'm watching you tie up your lace.
you linger and occupy space.
clear this passage for feet ?
let me get to my seat.
the aisleway isn't the place!
"
"i'm an all-topic, know-it-all coach.
so no matter what subject you broach,
i'll advise you until
you have gotten your fill
of my straight ""all-or-nothing"" approach.
"
"the best way to allocate space?
well, take a deep breath and erase
the mountains of stuff
that you've seen enough.
then put something else in their place.
"
"a building made out of pressed tin
has caused me a bit of chagrin.
architectural skill
can provide a cheap thrill.
but i still can't find where i go in!
"
"marcello, who starred in otello,
had an ego as shaky as jell-o.
he was crushed by reviews
like this one in the news:
""that marcello can't sing, only bellow!""
"
"do you know what is meant by b?tise?
well, defining it's really a breeze!
it's a foolish mistake
such as people might make
when they're trying to write poems like this.
"
"after taking my cash, he was gone!
i believe i was scammed in a con.
here's the proof of my tale:
it's his fake bill of sale
for the bridge we were standing upon.
"
"the scarecrow of oz showed disdain
when hailed as the monarch of spain.
""i would rather dictate
to an oil-rich state!
if i only,"" he said, ""had bahrain!""
"
"so you say that you'd like to bestride
your new pony and go for a ride?
saddle up, it's okay!
hi-yo silver, away!
but first, please, could you take him outside?
"
"an old pensioner living in leeds
studied beadwork, then covered with beads
everything in his house.
said his put-upon spouse,
""dear, that's not what our toilet seat needs.""
"
"there's a well-rounded hooker named molly
whose job entails making men jolly.
as a part-time grammarian
she wrote indo-aryan
verb roots in modern bengali.
"
"antarthritics are used to ease gout,
an ordeal i could well live without.
when my toe starts to swell,
and to stand hurts like hell,
""help me, please! antarthritics!"" i shout.
"
"all the beachgoers flock to the sand
at the place where the sea meets the land.
by the time i get there,
there's no room anywhere
so i head to salons to get tanned.
"
"a shepherd from china named jacques
received quite a shock from his flock.
they stampeded their herder,
who screamed bloody murder
and sentenced the flock to the wok.
"
"a man who lives under the sea
is just as content as can be.
though lacking a dog,
there's a rough analogue:
his anemone, fibber mcgee.
"
"they feed us the words; we explain 'em.
but how to grasp just one arcanum?
let rare knowledge climb
one piece at a time.
at this rate, we hope to retain 'em.
"
"""i love you,"" she said. her caress
removed all ambiguousness.
those words might have meant
quite a range of intent.
(their use can require finesse.)
"
"he wore his dad's cap but looked pained.
its cut and its fit he disdained.
and though it was checked,
he would not eject
an object ancestrally gained.
"
"archaically, ""make love"" means much,
but more in the words than the touch.
this sense (the ""g-rated"")
is now quite outdated,
just heard in old movies and such.
"
"whenever an object you see
whose structure resembles a tree,
behold ? arborescence!
(it's one of the lessons
you learn when you hang around me.)
"
"the problem of procrastination
is one that defies explanation.
with eyes on my goal,
i'm ready to roll,
yet somehow resist actuation.
"
"to know if it's archly she speaks,
look straight at her brow (not her cheeks).
if an eyebrow is raised,
then please don't be fazed ?
she's been this ironic for weeks.
"
"my wife said accountability
required my financial agility
to pay for our kids.
now i'm hitting the skids?
that's the price of those acts of fertility.
"
"a boy at our school, surname brett,
was a toady, a smooth teacher's pet.
we took to demolishing
his sleek apple-polishing.
he hasn't recovered as yet.
"
"a flighty young floozy from greece
fell in love with the chief of police.
she left him because her
athenian rozzer
liked sex on four legs with a fleece.
"
"one summer when plants were adorned
with the flowers that winter had scorned,
my girlfriend said, ""here
is a rose for your ear.""
""no thanks, it's too thorny,"" i yawned.
"
"this ode has no libertine bent,
no passion, all sentiment spent.
it's rather ironic
to call it byronic,
undoubtedly cynically meant.
"
"if to turn things most sour you desire,
then your aim couldn't ever be higher
than to turn litmus red;
so it has to be said,
an acidifier's what you require.
"
"i think brahmanism's holy in dharma,
and i don't want to cause a big drama.
but i don't feel a traitor
to doubt the creator
exists through the process of karma.
"
"north of clyde and of forth, there they dwelt,
in this realm, auld, the pict, and the celt.
fair was  alban of name,
and so, much to their shame,
before sassenach kings they soon knelt.
"
"getting abietine out is a skill
when it gunks up my turpentine still.
you could scrape or machine it;
pure water won't clean it.
hot alcohol usually will.
"
"please don't audit too closely; i swear
these accounts are true, honest, and fair.
you can sign them off here
the arithmetic's clear;
and there's nothing below the line there.
"
"abortigenic diseases aren't rare,
and in livestock will cause them to bear
their young prematurely,
the answer is surely:
use enzyme-linked assays with care.
"
"st george viewed the matter most gravely,
but then when the damsel yelled, ""save me!"",
his lance he unveiled,
and his courage prevailed,
as he slew the fierce dragon most bravely.
"
"there are many old towns which are walled,
and 'round chester and conway i've crawled;
but the grandest is york
(though of berwick some talk).
by old burgs (save berlin), i'm enthralled.
"
"why the dickens would charles climb a mountain
with an adjutage made for a fountain?
it's 'cause fitting a nozzle
is fun, as soon boz'll
episodic'ly here be recountin'.
"
"it's said cabinetmaking's an art.
the components must not fall apart.
it needs skills more, i'd wager,
of the thatcher or major,
for the close to beat that of the start.
"
"'tis blue chip, my  company's label,
so highly regarded and stable.
had my chips? got the blues?
nay, there's no way to lose.
it's making great profits, no fable.
"
"laid bare on a funicle squarely,
an ovule was fertilised fairly.
its amphitropous stance
gave a process a chance
which will fail to yield seeds all too rarely.
"
"when acousto- and optics combine,
light and sound in a crystal entwine
phase and frequency range
plus direction will change,
and the amplitude also align.
"
"stocks and shares can go high or fall low;
bonds and gilts can be volatile, so,
if to risk you're averse,
then you could do much worse
than to buy balanced funds with your dough.
"
"acoustic triangle succeed
in making great music. indeed,
this classical trio
play jazz with such brio,
of mikes and of amps, they've no need.
"
"this fat glycoprotein is never
a complex that's absent, not ever,
because acrosomin
will not go a-roamin',
at home in its cap, there forever.
"
"there's one thing that's truly essential:
your alias keep confidential.
no one knows i'm a spy.
it is vital in my
occupation that's secret agential.
"
"when a blustery headwind blows past,
then you might think your flight is a blast.
what an airspeed ? just read it!
(it's folly to heed it:
you're not goin' anyplace fast.)
"
"how they got here, i haven't a clue.
even we had to come by canoe!
though they're fun to caress,
they're sure making a mess.
could you airdrop a catbox or two?
"
"i would sure like to trade in the scamp
who is serving as my aide-de-camp.
he won't polish my boots,
and he never salutes, . . .
but the general's brother's his gramp.
"
"to aphasics, line four and line three
of this limerick might as well be,
""bing snurdle gor nay
agla purdle forsay,""
as opposed to the wordplay you see.
"
"if a glance or a brief conversation
should engender intense fascination,
but you each have a spouse
and two kids in the house,
meet to cheat: a discreet assignation.
"
"reproduction is fun, you'll agree;
that is, if you're a bird or a bee.
but some plants replicate
without finding a mate.
yes, they do it asexually.
"
"it's been known to make grandmothers faint,
since it carries a bit of a taint.
it's a four-letter term,
though that's not why they squirm,
for the strictest of grammar it ain't.
"
"no, the smugglers had nowhere to hide
when the coast guard pulled up alongside.
they impounded that rig,
tossed the crew in the brig,
and the skipper was fit to be tied.
"
"it's autumn, and out in my field
the aftergrowth's ready to yield
a late crop of hay.
give me one sunny day
and a really sharp scythe for to wield.
"
"king philip of france faced defeat.
to the city he had to retreat:
he said, ""until paris is
surrounded with arrises,
defences will be incomplete.""
"
"agamidae bask on the rocks,
unaware of time's ticks or its tocks.
though this species of sauria
looks lost in euphoria,
these lizards are hard to outfox.
"
"when alex was little, not great,
at his bed-time he'd get in a state.
but his mum didn't pander
to young alexander?
she said, ""off to bed now, it's late.""
"
"""accustoming children to drink?""
said the judge, ""that's an outrage, i think.
i'm accustomed to give
a harsh sentence. you'll live
the next seventeen years in the clink.""
"
"they whispered, ""she's such an affecter,""
till someone spoke up to protect her,
and in her defence
said, ""that's not pretence.
she's a genuine star, don't reject her.""
"
"when they overtook ireland by force,
each protestant man had his horse.
what proclaimed him a gent
was his voice and his rent.
anglo-irish and absent, of course.
"
"i admit that my girl's an admitter.
the job's badly paid, so she's bitter.
she opens the door
on the lingerie floor,
admits shoppers, and picks up their litter.
"
"if you search through the drawers of a wizard
you'll find bats and crow's eyes and a gizzard.
maybe somewhere amid
all the rubbish is hid
the dried skin of an agamid lizard.
"
"albinoism isn't much fun,
as you have to keep out of the sun,
and then people stare
at your snowy white hair.
as for pigment, you simply have none.
"
"with an aspirin, your health stays okay
(though four may be better, they say).
but four hundred or so,
ma'am, is not apropos
if you're yearning to see the next day.
"
"you delay and prevent any action.
you're tardy (a point of distraction);
you are dilatory, sir!
i think freud will concur:
from this trait you derive satisfaction.
"
"when downloading songs for a lark,
on a point of the law i'll remark:
the copyrights say
that to play, you must pay
(else a fine, or to jail you'll embark).
"
"all the brushing i've done did no good ?
my teeth are discolored like wood.
to my dentist i plead:
""you can see i'm in need;
please dealbate my teeth, if you could.""
"
"global warming is coming, i hear!
sound alarms! change your ways! quake with fear!
the world's getting too hot!
an alarmist? i'm not! ?
that is just what they called paul revere!
"
"whenever acerbic in tone,
you'll find yourself left all alone;
when verbally sneering,
you're hardly endearing
(you'll never be called on the phone).
"
"to criminate means ""to accuse.""
if indicted, here's something to muse:
to incriminate you
means the same. in my view
it's your choice as to which one to use.
"
"john adams and jefferson both
were given the presidents' oath.
each breathed his last sigh
on the fourth of july,
cutting short their biographies' growth.
"
"perusing some prose deemed historical,
you note anthony's quote quite rhetorical,
addressing his peers:
""?romans?lend me your ears!""
 (it's the plural of ""lend me an auricle."")
"
"just when do you say one's diurnal
(as in a zoology journal)?
when one's active in light
and sleeping at night
(the reverse of a creature nocturnal).
"
"from an acorn an oak tree may sprout;
well, it did. then its branches grew out,
and its acorns now drop
on my house without stop ?
what a noise! can you hear me? i'll shout!
"
"your pleading for pills i've withstood;
by doing no harm, and no good,
adiaphorous pills
cause no gain and no ills ?
so maybe take those, if you would.
"
"i do solemnly swear to define
an old word which is now in decline.
dejeration was made;
obligation now paid:
it's an oath said with solemn design.
"
"a pickpocket's moves must be quick,
with slick sleight-of-hand ? that's the trick.
but how well your vocation
provides your ditation
depends on whose pockets you pick.
"
"your posture and gestures express
many thoughts that you may not confess.
body language is such
that you needn't say much;
truth be told, you can even speak less.
"
"when prepared with the utmost of caution,
an explosion of measured proportion
blasts away earth and clay
for your small camouflet;
though the ground will be free of distortion.
"
"about pine cones and fir trees you rave,
and vanilla's the flavor you crave.
no words can speak louder:
with coniferin powder,
the road to your heart i will pave.
"
"i confuse up with down ? that's my plight;
aren't the stems of my letters a sight?
dispurse or disburse?
it's dyslexic or worse!
(""to pay out"" ? either word will be right.)
"
"rupert murdoch, news mogul, could boast:
""i'm quite rich; i've more money than most!
i've a fortune in stocks;
i'm as smart as a fox!
don't believe me? just look in the post!""
"
"primal anchor, respected news whiz;
many honors accrued that were his.
walter cronkite is dead.
there'll be none in his stead,
and that is the way that it is.
"
"you're a tenth of the man that i am,
just a disme part of me, a mere sham.
how dare you dismiss me;
and don't try to dis me ?
i don't give an ""s"" or a damn!
"
"she discovers your awful mistake:
that diamond you bought her's a fake!
you become overwrought,
wild, frenetic, distraught;
so does she, as she calls you a snake.
"
"to face a dilemma, be shrewd:
imbibe a stiff drink until stewed.
when both choices are poor
and your judgment's unsure,
that's the least you can do for your mood.
"
"it's your gallstones; of that i've no doubt.
this procedure is one that i tout:
cholelithotomy, which
uses barely a stitch,
and leaves hardly a scar. see, they're out!
"
"discontinuous lines ? dash and dot.
discontinuous thoughts ? i forgot.
discontinuous, then,
is what you get when
interruptions occur, as ... say what?
"
"joseph lister was on the right track:
to extinguish the germs that attack
when removing a spleen,
it is best to be clean ?
even more so when putting it back.
"
"the state delaware, almost as small
as rhode island (the smallest of all),
lets its capital, dover,
host races. moreover,
joe biden's from there, you'll recall.
"
"a group (likely martial): a corps ?
three-fifths is pronounced, but no more.
if you somehow forget,
a dead body you'll net ?
those last letters, when speaking, ignore.
"
"i hear echos when you say ""hello.""
not ""no"" do i hear, but ""no-no.""
diplacusis, that curse,
makes it hard to converse:
double sounds, double talk, double woe.
"
"to object to how congress has voted,
an old primer on protest is quoted:
""raise your voice in alarm
while you march arm in arm,
for to catenate limbs is promoted.""
"
"a fanciful farmer from dell
didn't flinch when his cattle barn fell.
he erected a building
with filigree gilding?
unuseful; unbarnlike as well.
"
"to christians, the gulf is abysmal
that keeps them from god. the baptismal
solution's a prayer
and a wet head of hair:
now their chance of salvation's less dismal.
"
"where's my home where the bison dispace
and the deer and the antelope race?
where no one will shout
that the sun won't come out ?
i'll be roaming in search of that place.
"
"my grandpa, good soul, used to say,
""an expression that goes back a way
is, 'no person who's deedy
will ever be needy.'
so get back to work. don't delay!""
"
"dieffenbachia, popular plant:
grown indoors it's a beauty, i'll grant.
but i nibbled on some;
now it seems i'm struck dumb ?
i would tell you some more, but i can't.
"
"cole porter's famed song with those ""d""s
 (""it's de-lovely"") had words just like these:
it's delightful? delectable;
so the meaning detectable
is delitable in the reprise.
"
"dinocerate ? what does that mean?
it's an ungulate no longer seen.
what's an ungulate? well,
i hear they excel
in hoofing a big dance routine.
"
"the tissue on each end of bones,
when damaged, can lead to loud moans.
arthritis can flare,
so it's good to take care
of the cartilage caps that one owns.
"
"you know the best way to bestow
lauding words that deliver a blow.
a diasyrm phrase
is damning faint praise.
it's your strength; i'm surprised you don't know.
"
"disinfectant is used to prevent
the spreading of germs that present
on your hands when you touch
common items. as such,
it may limit contagion's extent.
"
"botryoidal ? like fruit of the vine:
it's used when you wish to define
the odd types of shapes
made by bunches of grapes;
so think about that with your wine.
"
"coinquinate and you'll be fined
for polluting the earth for mankind.
if they don't give a hoot
when you say ""don't pollute,""
try ""coinquinate not!"" to remind.
"
"the vocal contortions delight
when colorature is sung right.
this, from mozart, will suit:
from his famed magic flute,
hear the aria ""queen of the night.""
"
"an upheaval of mother earth's crust
with a force that is strong and robust:
that's quite a diastrophe
(geologic catastrophe);
that thrust really kicks up some dust.
"
"does the cost of things make you lose sleep?
are you tired of prices too steep?
then stop in and explore;
yes, our store saves you more:
our sale prices are lowest ? dirt-cheap!
"
"the word divagate means ""to digress""
(not a singer's sad scandalous mess).
and speaking of singing,
i just saw bells are ringing ?
now, what was i saying? oh, yes ?
"
"i suffer from allergies. (geez!)
seeing hives filled with honey, i freeze;
please spare me from oceans
and leafy green motions,
for bees, seas, and trees make me sneeze.
"
"we were ""married,"" but someone objects.
they've explained it; it's very complex.
an impediment ruled
to be diriment fooled
us; i guess that was null-nuptial sex.
"
"i see that his face has a frown;
then perhaps with a word i will clown,
""may i help you devex?""
""wrong word,"" he objects:
""that means 'sloping',  perhaps 'bending down'.""
"
"the word crippled is heaped with abuse.
the word handicapped gets little use.
will disabled, instead,
help to free me of dread
that the pc police can produce?
"
"you treat me with cruel disregard;
self esteem that i had is now scarred.
i know what i'll do:
disregard useless you! ?
to ignore you just isn't that hard.
"
"in the convent, the band's in despair:
only one drum for two nuns to share.
can you solve this conundrum?
(yes, groan at the pun.) drum
up answers, or hear the nuns swear.
"
"asiago's a cheese i would rate
as the one cheese you'd want on your plate.
it's more pungent than cheddar
and, if you've a shredder,
when grated it really tastes great.
"
"it's our blood drive, when everyone gives
for the folks who are leaking like sieves.
call me silly, but i've
always figured blood drive
was the street where count dracula lives.
"
"an auger is some sort of drill,
and to use it takes more than just skill.
you must know that to try
poking one in your eye
just might, for your sight, augur ill.
"
"if on some desert island i landed
with a lock of your hair tightly banded,
i would have enough hair
to be rescued from there,
but with only one hair, i'd be stranded.
"
"new year's eve i don't mix with society,
but it's not that i fear insobriety.
it's because when the throng
sings that auld scottish song,
i get this profound auld lanxiety.
"
"the husband and wife might be wed,
but their marriage is virtually dead.
it cannot be patched.
by law they're attached
(but only attached by a thread).
"
"a brickbat is hardly the same
as a club someone swings in a game,
or a mammal with wings.
no, it's none of those things.
it's a slur that one flings to defame.
"
"eddie albert at last met his maker ?
the giver of life (and the taker).
near a hundred, old eddie
was certainly ready
to cross into god's own green acre.
"
"star of ibsen's most time-honored play
slew a turkey for thanksgiving day.
said the actress, ""i never
imagined i ever
would behead a gobbler this way.""
"
"a dumb, lazy bartender during
his shift wouldn't mix drinks, preferring
that bagpipes be played
'cause the sound that they made,
so he thought, was supposed to be stirring.
"
"eleven ants drove in their van
to a building?to move there the plan.
but the parking lot sign
had an off-putting line:
tenants only, the wording began.
"
"coyotes come out of the wood
seeking food in our nice neighborhood,
creating an atmosphere
each outdoor cat must fear,
knowing he'd taste really good.
"
"jury duty at christmastime? heck!
the season will now be a wreck.
i will have boughs of holly,
but won't be too jolly
with just halls of justice to deck.
"
"some composers, as everyone knows,
borrow money as well as compose.
richard wagner is yet
the most deeply in debt,
while hector, of course, berlioz.
"
"my old dog is dead, and the ache
in my heart i'll not rapidly shake.
it is strange i should weep
'cause they put him to sleep,
when in life he was seldom awake.
"
"arizona's as dry as a bone.
it's a desert of hot sand and stone,
where the air feels like flame.
oh, how perfect a name?
arizona; it's one arid zone.
"
"averse is a word that i curse.
in speech it sounds pompous, or worse.
but i'll use it sometime
in a limerick, for i'm
not averse to averse in a verse.
"
"the red baldwin apple: if there
is a finer variety, where?
but why is it called one?
why call it a ""bald one""
when no apple has any hair?
"
"a bagpiping scot wore a frown
'cause his mother-in-law was in town.
her squawking non-stop
drove him over the top,
crying, ""when will that old bag pipe down?""
"
"yes, aids killed indira, they said
of ms. gandhi, but i was misled.
i had misheard the word,
for what really occurred
was that two of her aides shot her dead.
"
"though my dog is by no means a bad one,
my story with him is a sad one.
he gives me affection
but not much protection;
i shouted, ""attack!""...and he had one.
"
"when you're facing that thanksgiving spread
and the plentiful feast you'll be fed,
it's a time not for counting
the calories mounting
but counting your blessings instead.
"
"when july the 14th comes to pass,
in france i shall do something crass.
i'll fulfill an old wish
in a shop that sells fish:
on bastille day i'll steal me a bass.
"
"a man at my bar, when he's high,
blows the foam from his beer in my eye.
i could rip him to shreds
over his lager heads;
i'm at loggerheads now with this guy.
"
"mother baked german cookies divine.
when she offered, i didn't decline.
though she says i ate eight,
there's a weighty debate:
i ate eight german cookies?  nein, nine.
"
"my dog hates the mud and the rain.
clean and dry he prefers to remain.
""wanna trudge through the mire
or bow out?"" i'll inquire,
and ""bow out"" is his standard refrain.
"
"though art carney's no longer alive
(since departing at age eighty-five),
his death cannot shorten
the life of ed norton.
on cable he'll always survive.
"
"the  asian pipe snake i would choose
as a name that is apt to confuse.
ah, but make no mistake,
it's a true breed of snake?
not what chinatown plumbers might use.
"
"though many a prizefighter goes
to the catskills to train and trade blows,
a more apt mountain range
for this fistic exchange
is the one that's pronounced ""poke a nose.""
"
"toward our luncheon the cat was approaching.
on our space he was clearly encroaching.
he had come to examine
our servings of salmon,
which instantly he began poaching.
"
"i would play highland games till i wilt
were it not for the way that i'm built.
oh, i'm up to the labor
of tossing a caber,
but how would i look in a kilt?
"
"although rose of castile was for real,
james joyce couldn't help but reveal
that the opera defines
(by its name) railway lines?
or, in other words, ""rows of cast steel.""
"
"caligula's horse in its day
was a negative force, so they say.
and the reason is, when it
served rome in the senate,
that horse, every time, voted ""neigh.""
"
"when the holiday season approaches,
our kitchen's infested with roaches,
'cause where goodies are found
is where roaches abound.
it's where every encroaching roach poaches.
"
"my calendar tells me the truth;
i look at the date and?forsooth!?
it's the end of the month,
yes, july 31th,
only two days till august the 2th.
"
"a bikini is what people call
a swimsuit so skimpy and small
that whenever you wear it
(i've heard this, i swear it),
it's like wearing nothing ""atoll.""
"
"the apricot's fruit that i spread
as a flavorful jam on my bread.
and a firm apricot
i'll enjoy quite a lot,
but i'd much rather sleep in a bed.
"
"a baronet went on a bender,
downing daiquiris straight from his blender.
but he drank so much rum
that it made him succumb.
who's to blame?  just himself?the bartender.
"
"a cow in kentucky i know
loved duke ellington's music, and so
she would listen while grazing
on bluegrass.  amazing,
from then on she mooed indigo.
"
"you will not see a budworm appear
when you open a budweiser beer.
it's a larva you'd see
on a conifer tree?
with his bud-eating buddies, i fear.
"
"porky pig's corporation is small
and just business-to-business (don't call).
or as porky might say,
in his stuttering way,
""b2b, b2b, th-that's all.""
"
"a bullfrog once vied with a civet
for a job building planes.  it would pivot
on skills they possessed.
""what's the work you do best?""
the bullfrog won out; he said, ""rivet.""
"
"the queen mary, with all of its girth,
is in long beach secured in its berth.
so they claim, and i'm sure
that the ship is secure.
what might not be secure is the earth.
"
"wed my wife on a bridge on the rhone,
and what trussed and support she has shown.
oh, our love life's been grand;
forty years it has spanned
'cause i just cantilever alone.
"
"on a pond, the old bullfrog, in brief,
cried, ""i've nothing to rest on?good grief!
i am so hopping mad
'cause there's no lily pad.""
then he spotted one.  ""watery leaf!""
"
"my ballpoint, so facile and quick,
can write verse on its own.  what a trick!
it has earned such acclaim?
my pen(tameter)'s name?
if it spoke, it would say, ""i am bic.""
"
"on a product, the bar code we see?
when it's scanned, shows the price it will be.
but pronounce it bark ode,
a new meaning's bestowed:
it's a poem that's carved on a tree.
"
"in his bleak prison hospital bed,
the old cat burglar lies, nearly dead.
yes, the end is in store;
he is now at death's door
(or maybe death's window instead).
"
"it was dairy theft in the extreme;
clever cats were involved in the scheme.
detectives spent time
at the scene of the crime,
but there wasn't a sign of the cream.
"
"you're a  bore, if you know what i mean;
when you exit, you brighten the scene.
oh, what yawns you promote.
(on a positive note,
you're a great antidote to caffeine.)
"
"although butterfly's heart was now hurtin',
that her man would show up she was certain.
by her window she stood,
thinking that's where she would
be most likely to sight her ""pink curtain.""
"
"""i know all the state capitals,"" she,
my blonde girlfriend, once boasted to me.
so i asked, ""what's vermont's?""
and she gave this response:
""that's too easy; its capital's v.""
"
"if your table has wheels that are squeaking,
and a lubricant for them you're seeking,
you will find what works best
in your medicine chest:
castor oil (in a manner of speaking).
"
"i've a carbuncle.  not on my skin;
it's my mother's own brother?my kin.
carbohydrates are all
he will eat, so i call
him my ""carb uncle"" (groan now?or grin).
"
"when at work, if your head starts to ache,
and the pain you can not seem to shake,
you don't have to go far;
head on down to h.r.
there are aspirants there you can take.
"
"on a ladder don't step on a crack
or else bad luck is bound to attack.
and a sidewalk don't let
cross your path?better yet?
don't walk under a cat if it's black.
"
"when a programmer uses a buffer
things get easier, rather than tougher.
this structure's deployed
to help coders avoid
those events that cause data to suffer.
"
"an aceticoceptor's a chain
of molecules on a campaign
to link with an acid,
acetic and placid;
a radical thing to obtain!
"
"you deposit your paycheck; it's great.
your balance goes up, so don't wait!
you should take that amount,
reconcile your account,
and your checkbook will be up to date.
"
"i am given to fits of hilarity,
interspersed with rare moments of clarity.
when my mood isn't high,
i would rather just die?
this is caused by severe bipolarity.
"
"in a parking lot, peanut was halted
by a hoodlum who punched him and vaulted
o'er a neighboring truck.
our poor hero was struck,
and the cops said this nut was assaulted.
"
"jack the ripper went roaming the night,
slashing women?his source of delight.
he would mutilate chicks
for his sexual kicks.
is that amokoscisia?  quite.
"
"my neighbor got horribly drunk
and spread rumors about me!  it stunk!
so i told all the guys
these ridiculous lies
were, in fact, just a whole lot of bunk.
"
"an angiogram isn't funny.
it'll cost you a whole lot of money.
so you'd better be smart:
high cholesterol?  start
saving up for that vein x-ray, honey!
"
"for percussion, this hip-hopper's song
got no timpani, cymbal, or gong.
it's an ill finger-snapper:
the beatboxing rapper
makes beats with his voice all along.
"
"my ctenophore needs to be fed,
but i can't seem to find any head.
i've saut?ed a few fish,
but no beak eats this dish;
the actinostome eats it instead.
"
"somewhere over the rainbow, up high,
is a bakery there in the sky,
where the goods they create
are all sold by their weight.
""put it here on the scale?weigh a pie.""
"
"king kong's former wife, seeking sex,
had it off with a married t-rex,
who told her, ""from my angle,
i'm in a triangle.
you are, of course, the ape-ex.""
"
"the russians are coming!'s by benchley
(nathaniel); son peter evenchley
wrote jaws and gained fame
from a tale that's the same?
not exactly the same but essenchley.
"
"john ashcroft just couldn't forestall
having surgery once and for all.
but when up and about,
with his gallbladder out,
not to worry, he still had his gall.
"
"catching cockles and mussels, poor joe
soon was caught in a strong undertow.
and, as molly malone
would be prone to intone,
""he's no longer alive, alive-o.""
"
"dean martin's new sports car was nice,
and just right for his signature vice.
each side came complete
with its own bucket seat?
one for dino and one for the ice.
"
"saint peter, the fisherman saint,
landed brando and had no complaint.
""most white marlins i've caught
are enormous?i thought?
but compared to this marlon, they ain't.""
"
"all the women?for me they're fanatic.
i breathe heavy?it makes them ecstatic.
they think i'm so passionate.
truth?  not a dash in it.
fact is, i'm merely asthmatic.
"
"a honeybee brat loved to drive
his cockney queen mad with his jive.
""buzz off,"" she would moan,
you...you 'orrible drone!
go aw'y to your room or beehive!""
"
"as our marriage is losing its glow,
oh, how jealous my wife seems to grow.
she enquired, to ensnare,
""who's your new love affair?""
i replied to her, ""who wants to know?""
"
"the stalk that's attached to the leaf
of a flower is giving you grief.
is it spiny?  how odious!
it's acanthopodious!
get some bactine for relief!
"
"the acinos, with tubular flowers,
can boast near-indestructible powers.
in a bone-chilling frost,
these tough plants won't be lost,
but they're not so inured against showers.
"
"there's one thing i will not let you do:
write alright.  it's all right!  get a clue!
just the sight makes me sick!
i'll conclude that you're thick
if you think that alwrong's ""alright"", too!
"
"the pleiades rose in the east,
after sunset and halloween feast.
this acronychal rise
(wipe the tears from your eyes)
reminds us to mourn the deceased.
"
"to make dirt in a wound go away
wash with acrinol; you'll be okay.
as a final resort
it can also abort
certain pregnancies, just in a day.
"
"live on land?  a hotel is just swell.
drive a car?  does motel ring a bell?
both are places to stay.
have affairs on the bay?
why not dock at the no-tell boatel?
"
"accidental this image might be,
but it's just what you happen to see
if you stare at your friends,
then the stimulus ends;
an impression remains: you and me.
"
"this kimono plant's flowers appear
to resemble gloxinias, dear.
it's a tropical herb
and its flowers?  superb.
an achimenes; that much is clear!
"
"you're looking a little bit funny
after taking those horse steroids, honey.
with your copious bulk,
the incredible hulk
will be given a run for his money.
"
"when a criminal stole the cop's blotter,
he couldn't write down that he'd fought her.
so he sought out that crook
to recover his book
and made notes when he finally caught her.
"
"a cybrarian tends to his work
on the net where the readers all lurk.
so if one has the urge,
check this website (by virge)
for those limericks that drive you berserk.
"
"i was prodded to duel on a dare;
with scant armor i hadn't a prayer.
i parried, he struck
just my elbow; what luck ?
i was wearing a strong cubitiere.
"
"""oh, dereling; oh, dereling,"" i said,
""why won't you consent to be wed?""
      ""'cause you can't talk or spell,
       so just please go to hell!""
""oh. and if i say darling, instead?""
"
"i wish to describe how i feel:
ecstatic, erotic, what zeal!
being frenzied and frantic,
feeling more than romantic...
 ""dionysian?"" yes, that's ideal!
"
"here's the dinothere story, succinct:
dino's face and its fate could be linked ?
since its tusks, curving back,
hurt defense and attack,
so that now the poor beast is extinct.
"
"oh, the eventide's dusk dims towards night;
its shadows steal sharpness from sight.
with helios low,
the crepusculine glow?
oh, just shut up and turn on a light!
"
"consider the sloth with two toes:
didactyl, and slow when he goes
climbing headfirst down trees
(upside down, if you please);
so slothful a trip, he may doze.
"
"i'm igor, the crookback lab aide;
i'm sure you've seen movies i've made.
with kyphosis, my roles
are just outcasts and trolls,
like the notre dame hunchback i've played.
"
"full of sly and obscure verbal trickery,
gilbert's words bend and bow like wet hickory.
the phrases he chooses
are inspired by muses ?
euterpe, as well as terpsichore.
"
"your skin will protect you from stuff;
it acts as a cover. it's tough
because desmosomes link
neighbor skin cells. (so think
about that when you're next in the buff.)
"
"our cell culture doesn't mind showing
what amount of it's actively growing.
want to know what that's called?
active biomass!  scrawled
in some textbook.  i guess it's worth knowing.
"
"see that large metal ring with a clip?
people think carabiners look hip
as a holder for keys.
it's for rock climbing.  please!
grab a cable and go get a grip.
"
"of this land, i am clearly the master.
i can prove it, but this will be faster
(you also will know
all the tax that i owe):
just examine our local cadastre.
"
"biogenous matter, like ooze,
is created when animals lose
their lives and decay
after falling away
to the bottoms of lakes, where they snooze.
"
"the syrinx, with which a bird sings
is attached to its bronchial rings.
if it's stuck to the ends,
then that chirper, my friends,
flies on acromyodian wings!
"
"when a box warns you ""handle with care"",
fragile stuff is inside, so beware.
you had better take heed
and with caution proceed,
or the contents you'll have to repair.
"
"you'll find, if you purchase just one,
it's expensive; a deal you should shun.
but don't sit there and sulk;
you can buy it in bulk!
it's much cheaper to buy by the ton.
"
"a jellyfish cutie swam near,
and my tentacle dance meant ""come here!""
but the jelly passed by,
though i couldn't tell why?
my actinosome language was clear!
"
"certain creatures with tropical status
may be found round a coral bed lattice.
near a shore, you might say,
""did i just see a ray?""
what you saw was a big aetobatus!
"
"hey, honey, it's getting quite late.
the sun is still up, but just wait!
let's go out on a hill
in the evening's sweet chill
and enjoy an acronychal date.
"
"when something far off becomes near,
to focus, your eyes persevere.
they accommodate quickly
and do so quite slickly;
this reflex makes everything clear.
"
"i brought deadly projectiles of lead
and a rifle.  my buddy chuck said,
""go ahead ? fire a bullet!
that trigger, there ? pull it!""
my aim was off; chuck is now dead.
"
"to blow bubbles with sugary candy,
try bubblegum, ever so dandy!
but that bubble might tear
and get caught in your hair,
so i hope you have mayonnaise handy!
"
"noah's ark was a very large boat
bearing pairs of gazelle, deer, and stoat.
the vessel's main feature?
a pair of each creature ?
a wonder the damn thing could float.
"
"i demanded, ""i get the top bunk!""
but my sister said, ""never, you punk!""
the two beds are both stacked,
but the strength that i lacked
meant she forced me to sleep in a trunk.
"
"ten-pin bowling's a popular sport
of a unidirectional sort.
down the lane goes the ball;
if it knocks over all
of the pins, you've a strike to report!
"
"i think butchery looks pretty neat
when a butcher is cutting up meat.
but it's not so romantic
when despots are frantic
to shed lots of blood in the street!
"
"my lunch wagon meal was replaced
with home cooking; a much better taste.
yes, i've started brown bagging;
to workmates, i'm bragging!
i feast while they eat toxic waste.
"
"the bulbs that my florist is selling
will grow into flowers, sweet-smelling!
though the bulbs in my ceiling
are far less appealing,
they light up the rooms in my dwelling.
"
"after quite an unfortunate breakup,
when it's clear that we can't kiss and make up,
my old lover, it seems,
has been haunting my dreams;
i remember my love when i wake up.
"
"a caveat's used for suspending
certain legal proceedings, contending
that the case is contested;
a hearing's requested.
don't buy it?  make sure you're attending!
"
"the cankering of our society
is a festering source of anxiety.
the life we've enjoyed
will be slowly destroyed
by corruption, deceit, impropriety.
"
"side-view mirrors will show who is near
the side of your car, or the rear.
a catoptric effect
means your car could be wrecked,
'cause they're closer than they might appear.
"
"this self-portrait of rembrandt's divine?
so much detail in shading and line!
i whole-heartedly love it?
the cat's cradle of it!
so intricate was his design!
"
"she plays ringer with neighborhood girls,
using marbles with colorful swirls.
since their marbles are plain,
they will try to obtain
the magnificent cat's-eye she hurls.
"
"not satisfied groping his spouse
and ogling her breasts through her blouse,
he got breasts of his own,
so she left with a groan,
and he never again left his house.
"
"on a catwalk, the models sashay,
putting chic, stylish clothes on display.
after walking its length,
they will run out of strength,
'cause these girls haven't eaten all day.
"
"i astonish; i cause apprehension.
my opinions inspire dissension.
i'm a caution who breeds
shock and awe with my deeds;
but didn't i get your attention?
"
"a woman's dead body was found.
speculation and hearsay abound.
the rumors are flying,
yet no one is crying;
we all didn't want her around.
"
"a criminal, caught in the rain,
was afraid he'd be caught once again.
he caught wind of pursuit,
so he caught up his loot
and he caught that last city-bound train.
"
"""this leaf is acuminate.""  ""why?""
""tapers off to a point,"" i reply.
""but that also,"" you carp,
""as a verb, means 'make sharp'!""
""don't talk back, or i'll poke out your eye!""
"
"i'm asexual?don't feel a thing.
i don't mind a romantic-type fling,
and i do enjoy kissing,
but don't feel i'm missing
the stuff that a sex drive would bring.
"
"you think radial symmetry's fun?
with a starfish, we've only begun.
why not ask this big star
what actinomeres are?
(hint: its arm's an example of one.)
"
"in the summer in austin each year
you can find lots of bats over here:
congress avenue bridge
(roosting under a ridge).
all the tourists who see them will cheer.
"
"we met casually (that is, by chance),
and i gave you a casual glance.
you did not seem to care,
with your casual air,
as you straightened your casual pants.
"
"the old man has a skeletal guise.
he has dark, deep-set, cavernous eyes.
he is all skin and bone;
look how frail he has grown!
there won't be much left when he dies.
"
"i am wholly abandoned; i'm free.
i could cartwheel or climb up a tree.
i've been trying to kiss
every pretty young miss.
did you put single malt in my tea?
"
"this evening, i'm quite in a stew.
if i cannot escape, i'll be through.
i have run out of luck
with the campas; i'm stuck
in a cauldron in southern peru.
"
"of thrombin, i wish i had less.
it's giving me blood clots, i guess.
to stop the thrombosis,
i got a few doses
of sweet antithrombin.  success!
"
"when playing outside, i just can't
get enjoyment from soil or from plant.
but by bending the light
with a hand lens just right,
i can burn with a caustic. (poor ant!)
"
"if your baby is able to toddle,
he might sit on your balsa wood model.
if he does this, then what
should you do?  smack his butt!
(that's the side of him known as the caudal.)
"
"a cat scan technician named lou
had a wife who was sick?what to do?
first he x-rayed her guts,
but they thought he was nuts
when the guy had his cat scan 'er, too.
"
"at our candidate carter's request,
we put two kinds of booze to the test,
pitting grapes against hops.
as for which one is tops,
georgia's jimmy asks, ""wine not the best?""
"
"we played hide-and-seek in the gloom
of a dimly lit, cavernous tomb.
the place was so vast
that we just couldn't last?
we both screamed as we ran from the room.
"
"a catnapper, stealing your kitty,
might sell her for research.  a pity!
they'll chop off her ear
(which they'll graft to her rear)
and by then she won't look very pretty.
"
"a director liked farms?he enjoyed 'em.
he found unionless actors; employed 'em.
when his bovines were freed,
they all faced a stampede,
so that cattle call nearly destroyed 'em.
"
"something's wrong with your cavernous tissue.
it's upsetting me.  i really wish you
would see a urologist?
or a psychologist!
impotence?that is your issue.
"
"i bewail my late mother, so i
often think of her; that's when i cry.
i'm investing a lot
of emotion and thought
in her memory, since her good-bye.
"
"i keep my rifampicin close;
my doc's prescribed dose after dose
since he clearly can see
cavitary tb.
i have holes in my lungs.  man, it's gross!
"
"i think catsup by heinz is just heaven.
i've bought bottles since i was eleven.
it's tomato pur?e;
you can't pour it? ok?
then just tap on that big ""57"".
"
"at playtime, john's sister dissembled:
with a small, placid smile, she resembled
a well-mannered young child.
he'd been slyly beguiled:
""my toy's disassembled!"" he trembled.
"
"king richard the third would lament:
""cut my speech, and you misrepresent
what i said. what a bummer
to leave out the summer
that thaws our forlorn discontent!""
"
"tycho brahe had drunk lots of beer
at a banquet, and scientists fear
that his bladder exploded,
while others don't know. did
some mercury kill him?  oh, dear!
"
"my mom likes to say ""catty-corner"".
it's outdated, i oftentimes warn her:
""say 'diagonal', dear,""
making people who hear
her a whole lot less likely to scorn her.
"
"maybe gasses and metals that swarmed
near the vents of volcanoes were warmed.
through catalysis, baby,
our ancestors (maybe)
were abiologically formed!
"
"acetogens, when they respire,
create acetates.  find them in mire.
they're bacteria, needing
no oxygen, feeding
on hydrogen 'til they expire.
"
"a sweet, fragile fruit, abiu,
grows in tropical lands like peru.
the colombians' tips
say to grease up your lips
so its latex won't stick while you chew.
"
"when i fainted while eating my wheaties,
i caved to my spouse's entreaties
and got my blood tested
to find i'd been bested
by chronic type 2 diabetes.
"
"aeronomical science inspects
upper atmosphere haps and effects
like a sprite?not a fairy,
but something more scary:
it's lightning where plasma collects.
"
"define cumulose thus: ""full of heaps""  ?
like a cloud in the sky as it creeps
along its slow course,
or what's left by a horse,
which the stableboy grudgingly sweeps.
"
"the famous and rich, while alive,
love to bask in attention and thrive.
but when they pass on,
they are cold, dead, and gone ?
you cannot a deleb revive.
"
"i feel foolish to tell you this word;
it is juvenile, slang, and absurd.
you can bet your sweet bippy
this makes me feel dippy.
(let's say that this never occurred.)
"
"a regiment bugler in war
was in need of a foxhole he saw.
as he crawled to his spot
through blue flowers (a lot),
""creeping bugles!"" he said, full of awe.
"
"that gruffness is all just a bluff;
your character's made of fine stuff.
though outside you're crass,
on the inside: first-class ?
you're a definite diamond that's rough.
"
"my piano's possessed; it's demonic:
not a black key will sound (none is sonic).
""i despise all fanatics
for scales with chromatics,""
says satan. ""play scales diatonic.""
"
"a cartilage cancer is known
as a chondrosarcoma. when shown
to a doc with a 'scope
(a pathologist, dope),
he will grade this rare tumor of bone.
"
"""have eggs and beef liver!"" i rave.
""they have choline, my chemical fave.
acetic acid and it
form a bond to transmit
the neuronal sensations i crave!""
"
"speak disertly when scheduled to speak;
you'll be eloquent, clear, almost chic.
to expressly express
your wise thoughts will impress ?
you will garner much praise in critique.
"
"the krakowiak dance: pleasant task ?
two-four time, trotting steps, there's no mask.
moved from poland to france,
the ""cracovienne dance""
is the ""pecker dance"" elsewhere. (don't ask!)
"
"we travel a causeway to reach
rehoboth?a delaware beach?
from the bay.  then we buy
taffy, popcorn (and i
like to get more than six boxes, each).
"
"since i've hit twenty limericks now,
chris j. strolin saw fit to allow
me to workshop and edit.
he sure did me credit!
that adjutancy's fun, huh?  and how!
"
"our business went bankrupt today.
junior creditors feel some dismay.
those with higher authority
get the priority
absolute; they get their pay.
"
"i had heard of a pastor renowned
for his songs?heartfelt, pious, profound?
but i did not rejoice,
for his organ and voice
had a deep, hollow, cavernous sound.
"
"all is dark in a shelter of trees
that caverns us.  nary a breeze
can pass through this thick weald.
it's as though we are sealed
in a cavern that nobody sees.
"
"a casual caller (that goof)
left a casual hole in the roof.
a casual fixed it;
my caller then nixed it.
to him, i am now quite aloof.
"
"cavernicolous creatures, you'll find,
live in caves, and a few might be blind.
there's a fish, and an eel;
they don't see, but they feel.
with no light, that's just how they're designed.
"
"this clever linguistic invention
gives rhetorical works new dimension.
""what is it?"", you cry.
you won't know it 'til i
say ""cataphora!"", breaking the tension.
"
"if you need to make contact with me,
use the citizens' band (or cb).
hear that radio purr?
maybe smoke signals were
a cb in 9,000 bc.
"
"carpal tunnel: a place in my wrist
where my finger and thumb muscles twist,
but i do so much typing,
i'm recently griping:
my tunnel's developed a cyst.
"
"""i'm the luckiest man"" he proclaimed,
""on the face of the earth"" (although maimed);
lou gehrig's farewell,
like the man, did excel.
als, after lou, was renamed.
"
"i flatter her ? couldn't be nicer;
i do all that i can to entice her,
but i get the cold shoulder
and glares even colder.
forget candy ? i need a deicer!
"
"the bergamot, citrus sublime!
it has flavor more luscious than lime.
though it's tasty in tea
(try earl grey, then you'll see),
it's a challenge, like orange, to rhyme.
"
"recent news about plax is a shock;
but let's stop, really think, and take stock ?
he is likely no schmuck.
he has just had bad luck:
he had needed good gl?ck, not bad glock.
"
"relentlessly did he pursue
the girl of his dreams, but who knew?
she was secretly wed,
so he wished himself dead ?
and, assiduous still, followed through.
"
"my chromosome's shorter? how so?
(it's the one that i share with my bro.)
oh, y can't i boast?
alas, smaller than most,
my allosome's  not much to show.
"
"post-mortem showed rickets, not scurvy:
his bones were all brittle and curvy.
but his organs were found
to be so turned around
it became quite an autopsy-turvy!
"
"to crab meat, add bread crumbs (not cereal),
then a touch of old bay (just ethereal);
mix mayonnaise in,
let the baking begin;
when it's done, crown it thus: crab imperial.
"
"the first pet is a dog of the seas;
the puppy's well-bred (without fleas).
his master he'll greet
with furry webbed feet
(and i hear that he barks portuguese).
"
"in grammar, in school, where i stunk,
who thought that i needed? (who thunk?)
my syntax was mangled,
participles dangled;
quick, lend me that book!  (white & strunk?)
"
"that show knocked my socks off?a blast!
fun and fast! what a cast! unsurpassed!
ah, but what knocks my socks off is
not always box office.
opening night was its last.
"
"if the cops show up, ringing your chime,
and you're breakfasting there at the time,
you should not stash your gun
where you poured fiber one
'cause to bran-dish a weapon's a crime.
"
"write your bio?  i guess i'm persuadable,
but it's gonna be non-accoladable.
and with negative spins,
the environment wins
(your biography's bio-degradable).
"
"using botox will help you erase
all the wrinkles you have on your face.
ah, but when you attend
to a wrinkled rear end
then your botox with buttox replace.
"
"if the ducks in your pond make you ill,
you will doubtless need many a pill
that's prescribed by some quack
at ten dollars a crack,
and then you'll have to (web)foot the bill.
"
"albata's an alloy, i think,
blending copper and nickel and zinc.
and it's found in the spoons
that i use to play tunes
on my wine glasses?clink clink clink clink.
"
"actress susan sarandon i'm filing
under gals who look great when they're smiling.
true, her eyes bulge a bit,
but i have to admit
that her bug-eyed look sure is bug-eyeling.
"
"shot on film in his skivvies, good grief!
hussein has a genuine beef:
""we don't pose in our jockeys,
us muslim iraqis.""
his lawyers are filing a brief.
"
"""my test results, doc, what's the answer?""
looking grim, he replied to the man, ""sir,
you've got cancer; it's true?
and you've alzheimer's, too.""
said the patient, ""thank god it's not cancer.""
"
"by headaches if you are beset,
a frenchman would say not to fret.
""in france, we've a cure?
very swift, very sure.
well, it worked for marie antoinette.""
"
"i should let my poor sim go to bed.
i can tell from the thing on its head:
from my viewpoint diagonal,
see? dihexagonal
(twelve-sided) crystal. it's red!
"
"with a talkative fellow, a bore,
i conversed for an hour or more.
so discoursive was he,
when i got up to pee,
that he followed, and talked to the door.
"
"the druggies who carelessly lurch
through an airport and clearly besmirch
our anti-drug stance
will be stripped of their pants
to enable a cavity search.
"
"do you want to go out with me, sweetie?
at first, you might think that i'm needy:
i'm a woman who lies
both with girls and with guys.
i'm bisexual.  (don't call me greedy!)
"
"to a cathead, we catted him tightly,
then we catted him (not very lightly)
with a cat-o-nine-tails.
he responded with wails,
then he catted his lunch (and quite rightly).
"
"""i was watching.  i must've just missed her!
she pilfered my robot's transistor!
i hereby aver
that the guilt lies with her!""
and he glared at his little kid sister.
"
"a dicast would not have a grudge
about letters that forced him to trudge
to a courthouse as juror.
our lot is much poorer:
he wasn't just jury, but judge.
"
"the kidnapper's cautery scared me.
""go on, touch it! why don't you?"" he dared me.
that tool was a scorcher,
and hours of torture
left scars that have always impaired me.
"
"if leprosy's sweeping the nation,
then the body's abrupt degradation
means that many fine souls
will be riddled with holes
that pathologists call cavitation.
"
"a spider was seeking a treat. it
found a butterfly, hoping to eat it.
but that butterfly oozed
some acraein.  confused,
that arachnid retreated and beat it.
"
"dichromats see limited color:
only two.  such a view must be duller.
without reds, greens, or blues,
they miss critical cues
and might choose the wrong shirt, paint, or cruller.
"
"we're fish moths, with lives ametabolous.
our legs, on the ground, ever drabble us.
since we cannot transmute,
we bugs don't dispute
that a butterfly's life must be fabulous!
"
"my sis and my dad had a fuss,
and she left on a cross-country bus.
when he called, she said, ""shoo!
i'm not talking to you.""
""au contraire, we have much to discuss.""
"
"a lisping crustacean would howl
""thith thorn-headed worm ith tho foul!
i have been in a tranth
ever sinth thith acanth-
ocephalid poked through my bowel!""
"
"dis pater had made up his mind:
proserpina and i'd stay behind.
i was cold and effacing;
while she was embracing
dispassionately, then, i declined.
"
"a debugger can help you determine
why your code won't compile, confirmin'
the specific location
of coding frustration.
it's a program.  it can't capture vermin.
"
"we were hit, and before our ship sank,
our captain said, ""drink!"" so we drank.
but he looked awfully glum
when we drank all the rum.
""you dispirit me.  go walk the plank.""
"
"sometimes umd students who hurtle
to their tests pass a diamond-back turtle.
the bronze terrapin's nose,
rubbed for luck, always glows,
to encourage young minds that are fertile.
"
"a wannabe mother named cheryl
had a cat's-eye: a fine chrysoberyl,
iridescent and red.
(she got gemstones instead
of a kid 'cause her husband was sterile.)
"
"while cautioning ann against danger,
i warned her: ""don't talk to a stranger!""
i use caution; i'm wary
of warnings too scary,
that strangers might well rearrange her!
"
"use some dishwashing liquid to clean
greasy dishes, or creatures marine
after oil spills.  the lathered
surfactants, when slathered
on birds, wash the feathers they preen.
"
"far and wide on campaign trails he'd hiked.
on 9/11, approval rates spiked,
but the end of his term?
you could see the guy squirm:
dubya bush was intensely disliked.
"
"we've set up the ropes and the wires,
and the cross-bars and aerial fires!
you'll be thrilled!  you'll be scared!
so you'd best be prepared
for our aerobats: brave trapeze flyers!
"
"bourgeoisie rationale and pretense
are what caused the great war to commence?
that's what dada maintains.
in its art, chaos reigns.
it's insane, yet it strangely makes sense.
"
"the pharynx gets air from your nose.
just before the air gets there, it goes
through the choanae, sorts
of nose cavity ports:
the holes through which nostril air flows.
"
"when faced with his wife's retribution,
cheating hubby pursued restitution:
""we'll solve this!  just stay!""
but, while walking away,
she said, ""no.  i prefer dissolution.""
"
"ac above 10,000 hertz
is called d'arsonval current. it skirts
things like muscular twitching
or feelings like itching?
that less fluctuation exerts.??
"
"if ever you find you're in doubt
of the blood gas dissolved thereabout?
co2 and o2
in one's plasma?then you
run a blood gas (a test to find out).
"
"there's a leak?we suspect it's a snoop.
soon, our rivals might learn of the poop.
if we're quick, meet the deadline,
we'll beat out the headline
and beat them all out with a scoop!
"
"a business school's where you can pay
to be granted your own mba.
though you pass and achieve,
seems they won't let you leave
'til you've mastered the business clich?.
"
"some wine-drinkers, feasting non-stop,
had disgorged one more cork with a pop
but their stomachs, now beaten,
disgorged what they'd eaten.
the pub had to mop up their slop.
"
"these fibers, so silky and fine,
are hardly a fabric divine.
they've this shape of asbestos:
amianthiform.  test us
for cancer.  this stuff ain't benign.
"
"when kids explore houses invasively,
and their parents berate them abrasively,
tales like ""goldilocks"" might
get those tykes to do right,
if her story affects them dissuasively.
"
"he feasts while we're starving through droughts.
of his leadership skills, there are doubts.
he's a governing guy
called a dictator.  why?
'cause he dictates the laws that he flouts.
"
"james brown's honey had told him ""so long.""
""please, don't go!"" he sang. ""you done me wrong!""
when he seemed to be beat,
in his cape he'd retreat,
just to leap back and burst into song.
"
"on the glacier's high slopes, it keeps snowing,
and the firn (year-old snow) keeps on growing.
near the glacier's foundation,
a zone of ablation:
where firn isn't coming, but going.
"
"i drill oil.  ""let's go dig us a well!""
but the wellbore? ""too narrow!"" i yell.
pouring acid might open
that borehole.  ""here's hopin'
this rock's acidizable.  ...hell!""
"
"the snowman i built when it stormed
started melting as soon as it warmed.
on his leg was an arm;
eyes askew, he had charm
even though the poor chap was deformed.
"
"this yellowish liquid adds savor:
acetoin's buttery flavor.
it's in apples and butter,
and trash in the gutter,
and it's breathed by a cigarette craver.
"
"the dinos died off long ago.
what's the reason for this? we don't know;
but we strongly suspect
that an asteroid wrecked
earth's ecology, striking the blow.
"
"identity theft sweeps the nation,
but a credit card thief meets frustration
if you cancel the card.
so make haste: it's not hard
to request a quick deactivation.
"
"you can sail the equator with ease
in the doldrums.  the wind's just a breeze.
need adventures at sea?
in the doldrums you'll be
feeling bored in such calm, tranquil seas.
"
"feel inferior?  born of low station?
why not force a new nation's creation?
then expand your domain,
and, with luck, you'll attain
nothing less than complete domination.
"
"help a child get a heart operation?
give a village a good education?
help zoo animals roam?
give a puppy a home?
give some money: a tax-free donation!
"
"music used to be harder to get.
now computers can store it: no sweat.
through your ethernet jack,
you can download a track:
it's downloadable thanks to the 'net.
"
"without help, granny cannot go potty.
conversations with her are quite spotty.
she is losing her wits:
yes, her mind's gone to bits.
i'm afraid the old bat has gone dotty.
"
"""i will shave my dad's head to rebel!""
""electrolysis might serve you well;
why not zap every follicle?""
""now, that's diabolical!
long-lasting and evil as hell!""
"
"a comatose patient, unknowing,
can't keep enough oxygen flowing.
he'll get well, it's expected,
but 'til that's detected,
a breathing machine keeps him going.
"
"o'er a pothole made wet by the weather,
a young lad draped his jacket of leather.
since the girl was impressed,
at their wedding he dressed
in the jacket that brought 'em together.
"
"the heyday of dial-up has passed.
we use broadband connections with vast
rates of transfer these days.
do you miss those old ways,
using phone lines and modems (not fast)?
"
"sculpted kryptos shows code letters, stacked.
its deciphered part (that which was cracked)
contains clues (they attest)
for decoding the rest.
even feds haven't solved the whole tract!
"
"mental illnesses used to perplex us.
though we've learned much, some problems still vex us.
while we fret over those,
diagnosable woes
can be caught when a therapist checks us.
"
"i applauded poor auntie's bad hair,
was polite, and did not even stare.
here's how not to aggrieve
your poor aunt, and achieve
proper delicateness: act with care.
"
"desensitization is where
you are trained so you no longer care
about things that cause fright;
but suppose your fear's right,
and your apathy shouldn't be there?
"
"a bubble light's bubbly glow
comes from liquid that's warmed from below
by the lightbulb within
a glass tube, small and thin.
it makes christmas trees put on a show.
"
"in a process that's sometimes chaotic,
acids dropped into mixtures aquatic
give their protons to bases:
only one, in some cases,
but the ones that lose two are diprotic.
"
"a butcher shop's where you buy meat,
where a carcass turns into a treat.
there they'll chop up a cow,
make a ham from a sow,
or hang ducks to be seen from the street.
"
"the number of pills one must take
(in my case, i take two when i wake)
is the dosage.  the doc
said ""i'll call?nine o'clock?
to make sure you don't make a mistake.""
"
"when you dialyze blood, you take out
all the toxins the kidneys can't rout
due to failure or sickness,
and then, with a quickness,
you'll want clean blood returned, there's no doubt.
"
"some impeccable talents i boast,
but my boat ran aground. i spend most
of my time on repair
for i hardly can bear
life ashore; i can't wait to discoast.
"
"when an embryo grows with two faces,
blame diprosopus.  these are not traces
of an unfinished twin,
but a protein within
that makes faces in too many places.
"
"data entry, that onerous task!
on my face, an expressionless mask.
with my keyboard, i fill
up a database, 'til
my hands cramp.  just a break's all i ask!
"
"failed a physics test; felt like a clown,
then a classmate took note of my frown.
when he asked, ""why so sad?""
i replied to the lad,
""it's 'cause gravity's bringing me down.""
"
"your employer, i hope, will insure ya.
it might cost lots of money to cure ya.
in this cup of your pee,
too much diastase.  see?
something's giving you diastasuria.
"
"combine buttermilk, eggs, and some flour
for buttermilk pancakes.  then, scour
a griddle all clean;
pour the mix.  this cuisine
won't take long for your kids to devour.
"
"the trauma endured in a blast
comes from air that was moving so fast
that your bod's deformation
from massive vibration
caused injuries, shocking and vast.
"
"a dancehall's a room made for dancing,
or a genre of music advancing
from reggae.  no more
rastafarian lore
in dancehall ? just fights and romancing.
"
"to make all of their products more sellable,
a head shop contrived to be smellable.
nearby folks, craving more,
would then enter the store
in a state that was highly compellable.
"
"you have lumps on your neck and your head;
they're so painful, you wish you were dead.
this infection exotic
(actinomycotic)
is from actinomyces that spread.
"
"a system of credit may let you
buy more than cash money would get you.
with credit you pay
on a subsequent day;
if you don't, there'll be trouble, i bet you!
"
"diverticula: sacs in the lining
of a tubular organ, defining
undue herniation
that might cause formation
of cancer, infection, or whining.
"
"your buddies are filthy and sleazy.
they got sick, and now you're feeling queasy.
you've contracted the flu
and the chicken pox, too.
you're diseaseful.  you make me uneasy.
"
"there's a lake that i liked as a brat,
but, returning, i sadly learned that
the old lakebed was dry.
with a large salt supply,
it had changed to an alkali flat.
"
"""see that phantom?"" my friend asked mysteriously.
i did not, at this point, take her seriously,
but she soon started screaming,
then giggled, ""we're dreaming!
it's true!""?she was raving deliriously.
"
"a handsome performer who crooned
kissed a fan who had, over him, mooned.
when his tongue split her grin,
the girl's world seemed to spin,
and the dizzied young woman soon swooned.
"
"with foreign relations eroding,
and warmongers ceaselessly goading,
we train spies 'til they know
cryptanalysis, so
they become really good at decoding.
"
"several scientists, right off the bat,
saw their theory on valence fall flat:
take the max and min, then
when subtracted get 10,
but abegg to differ with that!
"
"maxine (our school cook) is quite vicious,
but the principal's just arreptitious.
she puts hair in our pie,
and he turns a blind eye;
he would probably think it's delicious.
"
"diamagnets, upon application
of a magnet that pulls, cause formation
of an opposite force
to the magnet.  of course,
if it's strong, then you'll see levitation.
"
"diverticula might make you sick.
have a doc do a quick divertic-
ulectomy, cutting
out herniae jutting
from guts, wherein cancer might stick.
"
"tycho brahe's pet elk once got drunk,
and it fell down the stairs with a clunk
in a landskrona castle.
it died?what a hassle!
to the stars that dead elk must have stunk.
"
"tycho brahe, who watched the night sky,
learned to track planets' motion.  that's why
kepler found out the laws
of their movement?because
mr. brahe had such a good eye.
"
"in the month that was known as aviv
(it's called nisan these days, i believe),
of enslavement they tired?
an egression transpired?
the hebrews were able to leave.
"
"have you seen those new sneakers with wheels
that are built in to each of the heels?
you can speedily roll,
you can casually stroll;
you should try it and see how it feels!
"
"on a web site where porn had been stashed,
the breasts of czech beauties were flashed.
i thought i could hide it
before my dad spied it,
but sadly, the czechs had been cached.
"
"in phonetics, when moving your jowls
to pronounce advanced tongue root-type vowels,
your tongue, at its base,
must move forward with grace?
your pharyngeal cavity howls!
"
"if you shudder at going to sleep
during surgery, doctors will keep
your nerves blocked.  get a shot,
and your pain will be naught
where the block anesthesia is deep.
"
"this single-grain wheat's kind of neat.
while it isn't a gluten-free treat,
with distinct dna,
einkorn might be ok
to let coeliac sufferers eat.
"
"an exfoliant, spread on the skin,
helps the dead layer peel, and within
are the shiny and new
cells of skin. sadly, you
are still left with that wobbly chin.
"
"most females have only one womb;
if didelphic, they've double the room.
some marsupials form
two whole wombs.  it's the norm.
but in humans, birth problems might loom.
"
"""prepare for dispatchment, you fiend!""
said the swashbuckling bandit who leaned
o'er his trembling foe.
that thief's stab, to his woe,
killed the enemy's bird as it preened.
"
"didn't know my canned peaches went bad.
struck by nausea, i moped and felt sad.
but a puke did the trick:
cured that queasiness quick.
and the dolefulness stopped!  am i glad!
"
"if you need a mechanical part,
cyberneticists study the art
of connecting your mind
to machines, so go find
one and get cyborg arms, legs, and heart.
"
"a document captures my thoughts
with some symbols, like numbers or jots
that are stored on a disk
or some paper?no risk
of their loss when my grey matter rots.
"
"eating doughnuts each day might be neat,
but they say that you are what you eat.
that fried doughiness tastes
really nice, but your waist's
growing doughy as well ? not so sweet.
"
"with a drumhead of leather or plastic,
you've a surface that's taut and elastic.
stretch it over a hole
to make great rock and roll,
or a marching-time beat that's bombastic.
"
"hey, you bell system jerks. you don't care!
no competitors ? super unfair.
your monopoly stinks.
let's divide you; methinks
such a bust-up would cure my despair.
"
"most zombies' particular quirk
is their brains don't entirely work.
with their mouths slightly sagging,
they limp, and their dragging,
dead legs trail behind as they lurk.
"
"monsieur pep? le pew had a knack
for harassing a cat who was black.
the source of her plight
was a paint stripe of white
that ran dorsally, straight down her back.
"
"when a product has flaws, it's advisable
to be frank about such recognizable
blatant faults. if you ain't,
then expect a complaint,
for you both will be deemed criticizable.
"
"in old europe a courtesan fell
deathly ill at nineteen, sad to tell.
yet her life did amount;
she'd made each second count
(nearly every third baron, as well).
"
"the dog days of summer are here,
and i'm perfectly sirius, dear,
when i say that in august,
the days are their doggest,
while i'm catatonic, i fear.
"
"if i missed out on christmas, perhaps
it's because i was one of those chaps
who had chances to be
perched upon santa's knee
but, unfortunately, let them lapse.
"
"oh my god, it's my birthday?again!
though i used to be young (way back when),
too much age i have gained,
and today i've attained
my biblical three score and ten.
"
"julia child, in death, moved on high
to that great kitchen up in the sky,
where saint pete she would greet
with a ""bon app?tit!""
and to taste her cuisine, folks would die.
"
"for my next stir-fry dinner i plan
something new for the cantonese fan.
it contains bamboo shoots
and can mend rubber boots.
i am calling it shoe goo gai pan.
"
"during serious talk i'll have fun
interjecting a joke or a pun.
well, i'm taking a stab 't
now breaking that habit.
(reminds me?there once was this nun...)
"
"""at the end of a phone call i might
tend to be too abrupt, so you cite.
well, i wasn't aware,
so i'll try to take care
to avoid such abruptness g'night.""
"
"'twas with sadness we first heard the news
that ray charles had begun the big snooze.
but the lord took control,
saying ""ray, bless your soul?
not to mention your rhythm and blues.""
"
"as tennis stars age, they are faced
with the fact that they'll soon be displaced.
it's a fate undeserved,
but, then, youth must be served,
and youth isn't easily aced.
"
"try the new food sensation from crete
that's a treatment as well as a treat;
it's a blending of hummus
with equal parts pumice
to polish your teeth as you eat.
"
"till my doctor declares i'm okay,
on an all-liquid diet i'll stay.
and if i'm in the mood
for some good chinese food,
i'll just stir-fry some duck consomm?.
"
"a mezzo-soprano sang mura
felici with little bravura.
then some water she drank
that was tainted and rank
turned her into a cholera-tura.
"
"through the entrance, a carp slithered in.
on the threshold, just under his chin,
lay a five-dollar bill
that he'd flicked with his gill.
now that carp has a new ""door sill"" fin.
"
"at the wedding, aside from the cheers,
sounds of weeping assaulted my ears.
not only the bride,
but everyone cried,
and even the cake was in tiers.
"
"""it's a cakewalk"" might well be your take
when opponents get left in your wake.
you could also remark,
""it's a walk in the park,""
but do not say ""a walk in the cake.""
"
"she could never distinguish?how nutty!?
her vaginal jelly from putty.
what did this bring about?
all her windows fell out.
(bet you thought this was gonna be smutty.)
"
"you sold me a baseball team, you did,
but i feel as though i've been deluded.
there were no pitchers?none?
and no catchers?not one?
because batteries weren't included.
"
"cataloger?now what could that be?
one who catalogs things, you'd agree.
but the way the word sounds,
those who hear it have grounds
to think: beer that is brewed from cow's pee.
"
"said the centipede, strolling life's path
with the one hundred legs that he hath,
""i love science, but still
i've declared in my will
that i'm leaving my body to math.""
"
"with my cookbook i'm spending my time
finding meals that are simply sublime.
quite a few of these recipes
call for a mess o' peas.
(false?but it's such a neat rhyme!)
"
"howard hughes's chauffeur was arriving
with his boss in the car (i'm not jiving),
when a zealous young cop
gave the order to stop,
then arrested him. why? recluse driving.
"
"near the campus of yale there's a place?
an old tavern?that yalies embrace,
where they'll order a brew
and a spicy fish stew
they pronounce ""boo-la-boo-la-yuh-base.""
"
"in the courtroom, his favorite place,
johnnie cochran would face the tough case.
legal magic he'd weave,
with a card up his sleeve?
not the ace but the card they call ""race.""
"
"in l.a.?winter, spring, fall and summer?
driving home i just couldn't be glummer.
which route?  what a stumper!
all's bumper-to-bumper,
and bumper-to-bumper's a bummer.
"
"he and i stumble home around dawn.
he's all horny; i'm pooped and withdrawn.
i feel ready to wither;
he motions ""come hither,""
but i just come hither and yawn.
"
"moaned the actress, ""this dress is too tight,
and the color's so bright it's a fright!""
the producer replied,
""your complaints are denied,
'cause the costumer?always?is right.""
"
"i need surgery soon on my bladder.
its condition could hardly be sadder,
and the cause of my groans?
i have ten bladder stones
(if my doctor's an accurate adder).
"
"the coconut (really, i swear)
is a mammal, like camel or bear.
ah, but how could that be
when it grows on a tree?
it's because it gives milk and has hair.
"
"because of the hall where they play,
cleveland orchestra members, they say,
don't have to be fired,
laid off or retired
to garner their severance pay.
"
"if you get into rough confrontations
with mafia organizations,
some river you'll meet
with your feet in concrete
(mobsters' way of cementing relations).
"
"the hillbilly blurted, ""oo-ee!
the cars they got now you should see.
i hear there's toyotas
that even take photas?
the camry; yeah, that's what it be.""
"
"""let's bury the hatchet,"" he said,
but my enemy should've felt dread,
'cause i'm literal (very);
the hatchet i'd bury?
right smack in the back of his head.
"
"al capone was a social disgrace?
the red baron, a whole different case.
though they can't be compared,
there's a nickname they shared?
well, almost: scarface and scarf ace.
"
"robert altman?he made quite a splash
helming smashes like nashville and m*a*s*h.
but he had one huge flop, i
recall; that was popeye.
it was what it was?it was trash.
"
"california poppies?each crop
i'll take photographs of till i drop.
and it's simpler, lord knows,
to get poppies to pose
than it is to get posies to pop.
"
"his recording career was on track;
the charts he was starting to crack.
walter carlos was trendy,
then he became wendy,
and never has she switched on back.
"
"on the stove was my frying pan heating,
while a couple of eggs i was beating.
then my sleeve garter fell
in the pan; i said, ""hell!
that's an armlet i won't enjoy eating.""
"
"my cat stole some tuna and bread
and parked it on top of my bed.
i was caught unawares
(who has picnics upstairs?)
and reclined on my kitty's bed spread.
"
"every ""carrottopped"" guy that i've seen
has got bright orange hair on his bean.
but whenever i chop
off a real carrot top,
it's the part that's not orange but green.
"
"would you like a reward? fold your shirts,
assist all your schoolfellow squirts,
and eschew all things hurtful.
you'll then be desertful.
your dinnertime prize? just desserts.
"
"with a kindness you might call exceeding,
the old lady's been going out feeding
all the local stray cats,
and the dogs, and the rats,
and the vampire bats. now she's bleeding.
"
"for the causes of pica, we guess
it's nutritional problems or stress.
you might choose for your snacks
things like paper and tacks:
they lack edibleness, more or less.
"
"a poor fellow whose life is a mess
seeks a mate, but he fails to impress
with his pleas and entreaties
to lovely young sweeties,
who sneer at such desperateness.
"
"with a leaf, if you see how it grew,
it might have acute lobes (just a few).
to describe it, you write
""acutilobate"".  might
you perhaps call a vulcan that, too?
"
"my chemical compound is bare.
it is lacking that singular flair.
with a bang and a hiss,
i'll acetylate this;
got a group of acetyl to spare?
"
"electricity can be employed
to send criminals into the void.
by shocking the heart
so it cannot restart,
we electrocute; life is destroyed.
"
"the speed limit you were exceeding
was enforced. country roads are misleading.
as you sped down the lane
you were spied by a plane:
you were aerially spotted while speeding.
"
"there's a duncical guy in my class
who can't tell his own head from his ass.
he's a bullying dope,
like his friends ? and i hope
that the school will expel them en masse.
"
"perhaps stuff comes from immanent forces
and not atoms, as say science courses.
dynamism's the name
of von leibniz's claim,
which the papacy (maybe) endorses.
"
"you can go back to school if you please,
but don't think you can do it with ease.
diplomas, you'll learn,
aren't easy to earn,
and it has to be done by degrees.
"
"what does davenport mean?  sofa bed.
or it could be a small desk instead.
or an iowa town
that has gained some renown
as the place cary grant became dead.
"
"use a toothpick for picking your tooth.
use an aspic for?don't be uncouth.
no, an aspic you'd lacquer
all over a cracker?
a savory jelly, in truth.
"
"dan's a dancer but really can't bear
all the dancewear they force him to wear.
he will cuss long and hard
in a tight leotard.
in a tutu too?man, can dan swear!
"
"warren buffett's pet rabbits, i'd say,
have a life that is more than okay.
their hutches have heat,
and there's good food to eat
at their plentiful warren buffet.
"
"i know the right time in my mind,
but my body's an hour behind.
although daylight we're saving,
some slumber i'm craving;
to nap on my chaise i'm inclined.
"
"stocks are sinking like so many scows.
it's what fear in the market allows.
pray that wall street will rise
from the deep where it lies ?
no, not davy jones' locker but dow's.
"
"my wages last year, i'm afraid,
were just chicken feed?that's what i made.
chicken feed, you'll concede,
is the right term indeed
for the poultry amount i was paid.
"
"when the great rodney dangerfield died,
up to heaven he went to reside.
""here's your new home,"" said god.
""whatcha think of it, rod?""
""what a cloud, what a cloud!"" he replied.
"
"custer said to his missus, ""my dear,
little bighorn awaits; have no fear.
i'll bring back?when we win?
sitting bull's painted skin.
it will sure make a swell sioux veneer.""
"
"""no, your face isn't wrinkled, my sweet,""
i replied (i was being discreet).
but although i said ""no,""
i thought, ""somewhere a crow
must be flying around without feet.""
"
"with depression of late i've been cursed,
and i don't see it being reversed.
other guys might have tried
to commit suicide,
but not me, though?i'd kill myself first.
"
"in our tennis match, angry words flew.
an affray, i'm afraid, would ensue.
we were nice as can be
in set one and set three.
in between, though, we had a set-to.
"
"george carlin: irreverent was he,
and i'm thinking how cool it would be
if he said at his death?
with his very last breath?
seven words you can't say on tv.
"
"at the world-famous hollywood bowl
they play music for soothing the soul,
but the rub is the crickets
(who crash without tickets);
their chirping is out of control!
"
"though for sushi i'll be in the mood,
there are delicacies i'll exclude.
just like orthodox rabbis,
i won't consume crab eyes;
they're not my idea of ""see"" food.
"
"a day at the beach?a nice notion,
but the tide is in turbulent motion.
if your neck isn't well,
and you're caught in a swell,
a crick might flow into the ocean.
"
"although pea soup i ordered by name,
it was leek soup that actually came.
so i promptly complained,
but the waiter explained:
""take a pee, take a leak?it's the same.""
"
"giant george gets a sexual charge
out of marvin, as well as from marge.
six-eleven, three-ten,
loving women and men,
he is both straight and gay, by and large.
"
"the goalkeeper doffed her mask slowly,
and i gasped; she was beautiful?wholly!
women's hockey i know.
the plain janes come and go.
ah, but this gal was one comely goalie.
"
"sandra dee's early films were released
back when teenage boys' hair was all greased.
she was young and alive,
and those movies survive,
although sandra herself is dee-ceased.
"
"the weather's so windy today
that a limerick on wind i'll assay.
in fact, i'll endeavor
to make it so clever
it can't help but blow you away.
"
"there's a green-colored martian, i hear,
who lost ninety-two prize fights one year?
hit so often, it's said,
in the side of his head
that he now has a broccoli ear.
"
"""what's a critter?""  the blonde answered, ""it's
either someone or something that crits.""
""incorrect,"" said her teacher.
""it merely means creature,""
then, under his breath, ""what a ditz.""
"
"in this climate the temperature's high,
just like hell, and it's always so dry.
if the air in my room'd
be any less humid
i'd lack enough moisture to cry.
"
"tom's young female horse promptly sped
when he'd told her to slow down instead.
""whoa, filly!"" he blurted,
but onward she spurted.
""defiant,"" tom woefully said.
"
"my limericks of late are so lame
that i feel a profound sense of shame.
they just don't make the grade,
and, you know, i'm afraid
that the one you're now reading's the same.
"
"some ""pro-lifers"" propose that reality
for abortion be full illegality.
so if egg joins with sperm,
bring that fetus to term,
or they'll term it ""unlawful fetality.""
"
"my great-grandfather asked me to buy
him some underpants.  ""sure thing,"" said i.
""boxers?  briefs?  what's your preference?""
i asked out of deference.
""depends,"" was the old man's reply.
"
"tom's solitaire game got no boost
after four of the cards had vamoosed.
""wait a sec!  what the heck!
this is not a full deck.
every two's been unloosed,"" tom deduced.
"
"guzzling brake fluid isn't a crime.
thank the lord, 'cause i think it's sublime.
so i drink it all day,
but addicted? no way.
i would say i can stop any time.
"
"sunday morning at church, on your chassis,
i'm certain you'll wear something classy.
oh, you'll still look curvaceous?
not highly salacious
(but hotter than haile selassie).
"
"our minister also holds sway
in his vegetable market each day.
there he baptized our daughter,
with non-holy water;
it came from the hose?lettuce spray.
"
"the baronet-barrister's part
in a criminal act wasn't smart.
his law career's ended,
his license suspended?
disbarred?but at least not disbart.
"
"at tennis i lose, i regret?
every point, every game, every set.
why my lack of success?
i get ""butterflies""?yes?
and am frightened to come to the net.
"
"to recap this weekend of yours?
you attended to myriad chores.
you did not on your seat loaf;
you baked a neat meatloaf,
washed windows, and polished the floors.
"
"to the wealthy old widow i pled,
""be my wife.""  she said, ""yes, let us wed.""
man, i thought i would clean up,
but thanks to a prenup,
i'd end up with nothing instead.
"
"tammy faye, touting jesus with zeal,
didn't find universal appeal.
preaching in the sudan,
she got thrown in the can
and received 40 lashes?none real.
"
"my old brain, which at one time was fertile,
right now is as slow as a turtle.
quite vainly i've fought
to come up with a thought.
maybe i when my mind's less inert'll.
"
"i'm your son and your only descendent.
as my mother, you've been my attendant.
and should i ever tend
to go off the deep end,
i know you would be my codeep-endent.
"
"two lesbian deer that i know
to the square dance each happened to go.
face to face there that night,
the conditions were right;
it was love at first sight?doe see doe.
"
"with a lock of your hair i've been blessed,
and right next to my heart it will rest?
no, not in a locket
but in my shirt pocket.
at last i'll have hair on my chest.
"
"should count dracula ever come near,
show some anger; he'll soon disappear.
yes, your neck is his loss
if he sees that you're cross
(of the cross he will always steer clear).
"
"enoch bartlett won fruit-world acclaim
for the great bartlett pear ? yes, the same.
eunuch bartlett, his twin,
such acclaim couldn't win,
for he hadn't a pear to his name.
"
"turning forty, i felt some remorse
when my wife, as a matter of course,
asked, ""so what would you like
for your birthday?a bike?""
and i answered with, ""no, a divorce.""
"
"said the blonde, ""it has features galore?
my new laptop computer.  what's more,
its performance is great.
only one thing i hate:
when i stand up, it falls on the floor.""
"
"our moyel's a bargain ? no gyp.
he will not even charge for the trip.
circumcisions are free.
there is never a fee.
all he gets for his work is a tip.
"
"young tom hated toilets, i've heard,
and to crap in his pants he preferred.
though his parents forbade him
and tried to dissuade him,
tom crapped in his pants undeterred.
"
"a marriage can be like a horse?
a thoroughbred running the course.
it may run very well,
at least for a spell,
but the finish line?  that's a divorce.
"
"my conviction for shooting a horse
with a bb gun led to remorse.
so my lawyer appealed,
but the judge wouldn't yield.
in which court?  why, appellate, of course.
"
"johnny carson ? he sure raised the bar,
and in more than one sense was a star.
he was seen just at night;
he was brilliant and bright,
with a permanence far above par.
"
"abdominal pain had me reeling,
and over i almost was keeling.
i felt from the first
my appendix had burst,
so you might say i had a gut feeling.
"
"the stripper performed with such ease,
with a talent like gypsy rose lee's.
men would shout, ""let 'er rip!""
but she'd slowly unzip,
then would strip with such great expertease.
"
"in chicago the restaurants are model;
i've been gorging here so much i waddle.
though this place has renown
as a ""toddlin' town,""
i'm not certain that i can still toddle.
"
"dick clark on tv?so engaging
that for decades his ratings were raging.
all the while he stayed young.
now he's numbered among
those who've gone to where nobody's aging.
"
"""i'll have coffee,"" the young blonde replied.
then a phrase on the menu she spied.
""waiter, tell me, what's up
with this 'bottomless cup'?
i mean, what keeps the coffee inside?""
"
"samuel morse as a child never lied?
a code he'd maintain till he died.
when his mama, irate,
asked, ""did you break this plate?""
""dada did it,"" the young morse replied.
"
"she's so fat, and no wonder; here's why:
'cause she dips in the ice cream and pie.
and she dips in the chips
with her fingers and lips.
adipsin would help...if she'd try!
"
"when i'm petting my dog, he enchants,
with his coat a soft, shiny expanse.
but what's not so enchanting ?
his constant loud panting.
in brief: love his coat, hate his pants.
"
"for twenty long years, james arness
starred in gunsmoke, a bang-bang success.
he portrayed marshal dillon,
who'd not dodge a villain
(in dodge city, kansas, no less).
"
"""there's no gullible,"" jane was expounding,
""in the lexicon,"" thereby confounding
michelle, who asked, ""really?""
""no, no!"" i said, ""silly!
your credulousness is astounding!""
"
"dicrocoelia typically stay
inside creatures that graze or eat hay,
but these parasites might
find a human to bite,
though it's rare.  ""just a fluke,"" you might say.
"
"the path that they took was arcaded:
beneath arches on piers they paraded,
and their seedy hotel
was arcaded as well:
in a room, games for quarters they traded.
"
"""why's your mom so stressed out?""  ""there's a riot.
see, my dad's been protesting his diet.
he breaks plates, and his friends
chant, 'we'll shout 'til it ends!'""
""well, i guess that explains her disquiet.""
"
"we thought water was not to be found,
but a spring bubbled up from the ground.
though we're quenched from its flow,
we're reluctant to go
and forsake its calm, babbling sound.
"
"i love my dear cat to the soul,
and i spoil her?it's hard to control?
so when spot appeared wishful
for milk, a whole dishful
was poured to the brim of her bowl.
"
"intrigued by the case's mysteriousness,
agent mulder approached it with seriousness,
but returning, he laughed,
""i saw alien craft!""
was he lucid, or was this deliriousness?
"
"my optometrist's drops opened wide
my eyes' pupils; revealed what's inside.
with them dilated thus,
i am taking the bus
on advice my nice doctor supplied.
"
"making salt often starts with some brine
(salty water) you boil, or you shine
lots of sunlight upon
'til the water's all gone
from the brine pan, where crystals combine.
"
"disinfectant was first applied topically,
then my knee was repaired arthroscopically
(with an arthroscope stuck
through the skin) and with luck,
i will spend my recovery tropically.
"
"standup comic jack carter's not witty
but can act and can belt out a ditty.
many talents he's got;
one thing more, though, he's not:
indonesia's great capital city.
"
"while she's driving, the blonde's one desire
is that nothing too dire will transpire.
when her gps crowed,
""there's a fork in the road,""
cried the blonde, ""that could puncture my tire!""
"
"mister bush, if your people disclaim ya,
and for deficit spending they blame ya,
it's for lies you have spun
and for all that you've done
in your mess-up in mesopotamia.
"
"michael chabon, an author top-ranked,
with a pulitzer prize has been thanked.
he could gloat, but you'll note
there's a screenplay he wrote:
for the movie john carter, which tanked.
"
"though my spouse isn't quite an espouser
of a mate who's a chronic carouser,
nonetheless she allows
this carouser to browse
(just as long as i stay in each trouser).
"
"it was poker the old card shark played,
and he ""cashed in"" while plying his trade.
what made him depart
from this world was his ?.
(they, of course, dug his grave with a ?.)

seems he died?no one present disputes?
in a ?, wearing nothing but boots
and a big ? ring?
beyond that, not a thing.
(he was buried in one of four suits.)
"
"enterology: science of guts,
the ones between bellies and butts ?
like, to help heal a hole in
a colon that's swollen,
it's best to avoid seeds and nuts.
"
"what is dulcite? you ask, as you might:
it's a sugarlike substance that's white.
further features abound
on a website i found
(but i found that it's quite a dull site).
"
"at my office, some news will be breaking?
namely, early retirement i'm taking.
the date has been set,
and my only regret?
the decision was not of my making.
"
"jury duty i shirked ? not to gloat ?
'cause the summons inquired, and i quote,
""are you hearing impaired?""
this is what i declared:
i wrote, ""eh?"" (you will note i said wrote).
"
"manufacturing yo-yos?oh, brother!?
donald duncan stood out like no other.
though this string-and-wood fellow
did not make a cello,
we joke yo-yo ma was his mother.
"
"though my dungeon was dreary and drab,
the seafood they served me was fab.
they sure didn't skimp
on the lobster and shrimp
or (how fitting) the dungeness crab.
"
"to our veteran ducks be a pal.
if they're down, try to boost their morale,
for they've been through the gore
of the second world war,
serving bravely on waddle canal.
"
"the phrase devil-may-care should convey
a most jaunty demeanor, but hey,
if you were not aware
and heard ""devil make hair"" ?
there may very well be hell toup?e.
"
"as the year was about to expire,
brynner's journal could not have been drier.
but then his dull diary
became hot and fiery
(he'd thrown the yul log on the fire).
"
"""my new home's so convenient, my dear,""
wrote the blonde.  ""all the shops are so near.
and just down the street
there's a car wash?how neat!
i'll be able to walk there from here.""
"
"when death beckoned michael debakey
(heart surgeon with hands never shaky),
miley cyrus's dad,
billy ray, said, ""egad!
hope my heart never gets achy breaky.""
"
"i've a four-poster bed, but instead
of a canopy fixed overhead,
do you know what it's got?
why, its own chamber pot.
(that's a can o' pee under the bed.)
"
"could walt disney have made a mistake
when he named donald duck?  here's my take:
because donald's a male
(from his head to his tail),
he should really be called donald drake.
"
"baking cookies, my wife always fails,
though a lot of hard work it entails.
seems she makes every batch
of her cookies from scratch.
you can tell?they contain fingernails.
"
"a diva from dover once cried,
""my fame and my fortune has died!""
so with fervor she prayed
to find favor and aid
from the deva of divas worldwide.
"
"difflugia (pond-dwelling cells)
cement sand to construct their own shells.
as a predator's meal
they have little appeal ?
for their crunchiness really repels.
"
"you're awfully rude, a real crowder.
you push and you shove, and yell louder
than any in line
who are waiting to dine
on my best busking fiddler crab chowder.
"
"my eyesight is dimmish (that's dim).
the prognosis is guarded (that's grim).
it's depressing  (that's sad).
i feel hopeless (that's bad).
it has robbed me of vigor (that's vim).
"
"at a spelling bee, to your dismay,
you haven't a prayer (though you pray).
like an arrowworm caught,
you squirm, deep in thought ?
a chaetognathous writhe, you might say.
"
"before boarding a flight to south china,
i suffered a bout of angina.
squeezing chest pain, you see,
can disorient me ?
i, instead, flew to south carolina.
"
"tiger woods with the ladies did tarry,
so he and his wife may dismarry.
yes, a juicy divorce
will be par for the course:
it's a burden his caddy can't carry.
"
"he looked at the plaque on my head;
then commented, ""cancer that's spread.""
'twas a terrible shock.
""desmoplasia,"" growled doc.
""a reaction to tumor,"" he said.
"
"when people are phobic, you'd think
that their fears disappear with a drink.
yet if liquor's their fear
(whether mixed drink or beer),
dipsophobics should see a good shrink.
"
"a disturbance can range from a riot
to digestion distressed from a diet,
to a picketer's walk,
or what's merely loud talk
in a library muted and quiet.
"
"at a point when his sex life is dead,
to jerusalem, popeye has fled,
saying, ""no, not to bawl
by that old wailing wall.
i yam off to mount olive instead.""
"
"for this ego that i have been dealt,
please don't gift me with necktie or belt.
but a new derby hat
would be great; give me that,
'cause i crave that my presents be felt.
"
"though some 300 pounds she might weigh,
""i don't eat all that much,"" she will say.
still her tummy expands;
what's to blame?  ""it's my glands.""
(such delusions of glandular, eh?)
"
"it was agony when i'd sashay,
or when someone would say, ""walk this way.""
so with greatest of haste
i got both hips replaced.
no more agony!  hip hip hooray!
"
"eddie cantor, a favorite of mine,
i still think of whenever i dine.
i don't sit and recall
his routines?not at all?
i just drink eddie cantor of wine.
"
"the meek may be weak?ah, but still,
they'll inherit the earth that they till.
when that day comes along,
you can bet that the strong
will be out there contesting the will.
"
"coq au vin is a dish i adore?
chicken simmered in wine.  but it's more.
it's a truck of the sort
that they use to transport
nestl?'s quik to the grocery store.
"
"watching tv all day is my vice.
couch potato they call me (not nice).
but if i were a man
doing this in japan,
would i then be considered couch rice?
"
"""what's this white stuff my scalp seems to shed?""
""could be dandruff,"" my hairdresser said.
""have you had this at all
in the past ? you recall?""
answer: ""not off the top of my head.""
"
"something inconsequential i'll hallow.
if i have any depth, it lies fallow.
i'm compared, as a rule,
to a child's wading pool.
or in other words, deep down i'm shallow.
"
"auntie bea's yellow teeth were a sight
till the dentist set everything right.
now when bea grins at me
i can no longer see,
for her teeth became blindingly white.
"
"if you're auto-immune, your cells lyse,
or explode, touching these tricky guys:
amboceptors, releasing
some heme, thus increasing
bacteria's iron supplies.
"
"when a wave and an edge interact,
there's a change that seems strange when it's tracked.
you may well wonder why,
when a wave passes by,
it will bend, change direction, diffract.
"
"as a narcissist, mary mcgee
says, ""my favorite subject is me!
i have beautiful eyes
and i never tell lies.""
she will egotize thus with pure glee.
"
"a dynameter measures the size
of the image that somebody spies
through a telescope. now,
we're aware of just how
much it magnifies stuff for our eyes.
"
"an old rapper was canned for abuse,
and his talents fell into disuse.
now his infamous jeer
has relaunched his career,
and his diss use supplies all his juice.
"
"asynchronous transfer mode sends
little parts of some data one tends
to receive disarranged,
but the stream seems unchanged:
it's sent quickly, and seamlessly blends.
"
"daylight's gone and it's too dark to see.
depth of snow's about seven foot three.
i must walk, but i'll fumble
and probably tumble:
i'll make my way blunderingly.
"
"not all protests achieve what's intended:
voices heard and injustices mended.
some regimes want blood spilled.
those protesters not killed
find their movement thus bloodily ended.
"
"a dobsonfly larva spends years
underwater. that dobson's death nears
when it goes above ground
or, for bait, it is found
by some fishermen angling from piers.
"
"it's time that we stray from this bay
and enter the ocean's white spray.
so down your caffeine
and disanchor, marine ?
it's time to go anchors aweigh.
"
"in physics, the angle of lead
notes two sinus waves as they proceed.
(don't say lead meaning ""plumbum"";
you'll sound like a crumbum.)
it's their difference in phase that we heed.
"
"sell your soul for the sake of gastronomy?
for fine food you will forfeit autonomy?
devil's food sure is swell ?
eat the cake; go to hell,
that dominion of demons (demonomy).
"
"too quickly you lend your permission
to assist for a drunken magician;
the trick is on you
when he ""saws you in two""
and he does.  what a deadly desition.
"
"""this arrest is a sham ? a burlesque, man!""
you behave like a loud and grotesque man;
your conduct is awful
and your act was unlawful ?
you'll be booked by this sergeant, the deskman.
"
"her pendant lies right on her chest,
two gemstones more bright than the rest.
her diatomous pair
are so perfect, you stare
(at her crystals, that is, not her breast).
"
"to dispurpose a plan or a plot
is to frustrate the plotter a lot.
so enraged that he's thwarted
from the plot he purported
to put into practice, he's hot.
"
"the crossjack's the lowermost sail
on the mizzenmast ? don't let it flail,
but just let her rip,
and away goes our ship.
we're off now to catch us a whale!
"
"as one of the world's best-known brands,
m&ms meets consumer demands.
a favorite of dandies,
this candy discandies ?
it melts in your mouth, not your hands.
"
"""that doohickey there ? what's that doodad?""
that's a football; the one we just threw, dad.
""i forget all this stuff ?
this anomia's rough.""
it's a shame you can't name what you knew, dad.
"
"concentration is called for so i
can infer what you wished to imply;
disambiguate, please,
your statement that: ""these
but not those are good places to lie.""
"
"mismatched socks i must constantly wear;
they get lost in my dryer's hot air.
from each pair of my hose
it takes one ? how, who knows?
it dispairs them, until i despair.
"
"though it sounds like baked dough made with bird,
cuckoo bread is a plant ? how absurd!
when in limerick or cork
it's the shamrock. in york
the term wood sorrel may be preferred.
"
"you break up over one of my jokes:
i have kidnapped an ""s."" (it's a hoax.)
and the ruckus (for me
a diruption) will be
a disruption for all other folks.
"
"the queen in snow white fits the bill:
she is cruel and malicious and shrill.
when her anger's excessive
she'll get too aggressive ?
despiteous stepmothers will.
"
"constipation, i do understand,
will cause patients to whine, and demand
some instant relief:
disimpaction, in brief.
forgive me, i won't lend a hand.
"
"if we hug and exchange body heat,
we're diabatic performing that feat.
but despite being hot,
diabetic we're not
(although all of our kisses are sweet).
"
"""i'm changing my will,"" i declare.
""for one of three sons i'll disheir.
though none is to blame,
i've two cents to my name,
and i don't have a third cent to spare.""
"
"if you let it get into your skin
then ringworm (or worse) will begin.
this fungal marauder
wreaks dermal disorder:
the dermatophyte lurking within.
"
"rejoice with the rhythmic rolls-royce!
t. geisel gave hat cat his voice ?
but in sources it's stated,
and well annotated:
his name was pronounced ""doctor zoice"".
"
"despite all attempts at dissuasion,
a warrior's bent on invasion.
dehortations aside,
he won't be denied;
he'll attack foreign lands on occasion.
"
"we can't elope now, silly fool!
won't you wait 'til i graduate school?
in my class at st. helen's
i'm studying melons ?
it's best to keep cantaloupes cool.
"
"to dislimn does not mean ""to dislimb"".
(they are homophones, sounding so sim-
ilar.) do not efface
or on impulse erase
works of art. (don't dislimn on a whim.)
"
"our vice president's good for a laugh;
rahm emanuel calls up his staff:
""folks, please don't look now ?
o's having a cow!""
(while biden is having a gaffe).
"
"if futures in oil you buy,
then the crack spread is something to try ?
no plumber required
or cocaine desired ?
just knowledge of oil supply.
"
"this word's from the french; hold your nose
to pronounce it. yet, one can suppose
that while watching court tennis
from dedans, there's no menace
ignoring the ball as you doze.
"
"i'm slow? well, i'll try to walk quicker.
you said i'm too dense ? you mean thicker?
i'm dumb? no, i talk.
take a hike? you mean walk?
dim-witted ? what's that? hey, don't snicker.
"
"this pottery plate was perfection;
it was part of my sister's collection.
though flawless before
being dropped on the floor,
its like crackleware now, on inspection.
"
"let's count up the ways i can speak:
i'm explicit; vague; modern; antique;
using latin or greek;
being brief or blue streak ?
diversiloquent is my technique.
"
"a botanical tip i will share:
if you're looking for flowers with flair,
bring dictamnus along;
their perfume is strong ?
if they burst into flames, don't despair.
"
"at christmas, the world hopes for pax;
but that hope contradicts all the facts:
there's disease and decay,
disarray and dismay?
don't despair ?  merry christmas ? relax!
"
"deuteroscopy's not an exam
with a flexible tube and a cam;
see, my own second sight
brings the hidden to light ?
i'm very perceptive, i am.
"
"at frankenstein's monster supply,
i think that their prices are high
for a hydra or janus;
as their faces are heinous,
a disomus (two-bodied) i'll buy.
"
"""you'll get one of my horses from me,
with its saddle and bit, by decree.""
""but this horse is too small;
i don't want it, at all.""
""this pony conveys, disponee.""
"
"when selecting his wreath, said the laureate:
""i'd prefer one that trumpets my glory; it
should say 'i'm the chief!'
spare this cheap silver-leaf ?
mine's the metal of midas that's aureate!""
"
"i worship the ground where you tread;
you're perfection ? pluperfect, it's said.
i think you're terrific,
completely deific ?
try walking on water, instead.
"
"a matador maid named maria
fights bulls in the nude; you should see her!
when she waves her muleta,
the view's even greater ?
i've run off to join her cuadrilla.
"
"when closing a wound there's resistance
if the gap to be sewed's a great distance.
then dehiscence of tissue
becomes a big issue;
it's the bane of a surgeon's existence.
"
"according to one of my guides,
the chapter house grandly provides
the lincoln cathedral
a room, decahedral ?
stained glass adorns nine of ten sides.
"
"my censors will barely allow
this word, as applied to a sow:
it is cubdrawn ? so there;
it refers to a bear.
this limerick sucks. (yes, and how!)
"
"dosimetry measures the dose
of x-rays that may diagnose
or treat a disease.
it takes expertise ?
excess rads and you'll say adios.
"
"you met a compatible mate,
paired off, and then left it to fate.
you may have to propose
if a cytula grows
and becomes a new baby. (she's late.)
"
"my laptop is propped on my thigh
but my software's protected, so i
feel around for my dongle.
(take care, or a throng'll
then gather to watch as you try.)
"
"a petroleum product that's cool,
and that's useful for freezing or fuel,
is cymogene. though
lighted butane will blow,
when it boils, things chill, as a rule.
"
"a babe from the south took a dip
at the beach in her thong. what a trip!
and i have to confide
that her dip(h)thongs don't hide?
the sounds of her vowels sure slip.
"
"your demonym, that is, gentilic,
describes where you're from: your idyllic
hometown called acrylage
(that perfect small village)
makes you proud to be called an acrylic.
"
"the schedule of cases for court,
whether criminal, civil, or tort,
comprises a docket.
in computer or pocket,
it lists legal skirmishes fought.
"
"diplotaxis is known as wall rocket,
a strange name for a plant, so i'll mock it:
it looks like a weed.
and yet, i'll concede
that it's tasty to some, so why knock it?
"
"imagine my earnest dismay
on hearing the news of the day:
the dow is a bummer.
i need a good plumber ?
flushed away is my 401(k).
"
"we're deep in this war; you know why.
we're in it to win ? don't defy.
for if we give way,
then it's us they will slay.
so give it your all ? do or die!
"
"two distichs occur in a row
in these lines, and those written below.
think two ""a""s and two ""b""s,
and the meaning's a breeze ?
they are couplets, a term you should know.
"
"i'm weak and infirm and i drool;
growing old is unbearably cruel.
i am deaf and half blind,
now i'm losing my mind:
i'm no more than a doddering fool.
"
"in dochmius, syllables sound
five full times; in this order they're found:
short, long, long, short, long
(two are weak and three strong),
but it's anapest that is renowned.
"
"i should stop eating now; i should mention
that burritos with beans cause distention.
so i'll throw in the towel ?
this expansion of bowel
is causing me great apprehension.
"
"dipladenia, plants of brazil,
have flowers that give one a thrill:
blossoms, trumpet in shape,
colored white, pink, or grape
allure butterflies onto your sill.
"
"those cornel (they're dogwoods) are swell;
they adorn any yard very well.
you should take it from me,
as i earned a degree
in botanical studies, cornell.
"
"my ipod is gone ? i'm annoyed.
it fell in a well, down a void.
it's now a deperdit.
precisely the word, it
means ""that which is lost or destroyed"".
"
"determined, persistent, and driven,
that hole that he digs he can live in.
(it's really that big.)
but i don't give a fig ?
though he's dogged, my dog, he's forgiven.
"
"""your performance has failed to impress,
and your efforts brought little success.
though it brings me no joy,
i must now disemploy...""
""do you mean that i'm fired?"" ""well, yes.""
"
"using dilogy when you converse
may confuse any listener; or worse,
that ambiguous speech
likely puts out of reach
any message you wish to disperse.
"
"dartmouth college alums should impress,
for a worthy degree they possess.
though new hampshire was cold,
their b.a. is like gold:
it's ivy, a sign of success.
"
"an acaricide's used to kill mites,
the scourge of an itchy man's nights.
although useless for rabies,
it sure can cure scabies,
and stops all the burrows and bites.
"
"don't expect we will see eye to eye ?
we will argue; each other, defy.
discordance and strife
will take over our life ?
what the hell, let's give marriage a try!
"
"he tells you bad news with great dread;
when he tells it, who knows what he said?
walls of words he'll erect;
he's not blunt or direct:
he is circumloquacious, instead.
"
"craniopagus twins ? it's no fun:
they wish that it could be undone.
but they shouldn't despair,
as i'm sure they're  aware
that two heads are better than one.
"
"some words are unlucky, and so
if you speak them, you risk days of woe.
i'll go out of my way
so i won't have to say...
""don't say it!""...  (i said it, oh no!)
"
"i have a peculiar propensity
to speak with deliberate density.
the extent of this trait
is not small; it is great
in dimension ? or vast in dimensity.
"
"please extinguish all lights not in use;
then our energy costs we'll reduce.
please attend to my fervent
green plea: be conservant ?
not wasteful; there is no excuse.
"
"is health care reform null and void?
have obama's big plans been destroyed?
were the critics too harsh?
what's the dems' new demarche?
what maneuvers can still be employed?
"
"""no more floods where all humans will die!""
heard noah from one way up high.
""instead of your ark,
why don't i just park
chromatogenous arcs in the sky?""
"
"it was fast, such a frightening surprise,
as i saw the ball suddenly rise.
so i ducked to the floor.
it continued to soar
past the 'keeper's head. we won on byes.
"
"the economists' pleas have been heeded
that accounting in period's needed
in uniform sizes
so there won't be surprises,
and that forecasts aren't falsely exceeded.
"
"""round the cape we can sail, she's a 'horner.
we'll weather the storms of that corner.""
but the bounty then fails
when lashed by those gales;
now bligh the ship's captain's forlorner.
"
"quick as waving a magical wand,
jack took lancs from the slough of despond
to the number one team,
to win trophies their theme.
what a truly great captain was bond.
"
"what instructs vegetation to shed
dried-up fruit and old leaves when they're dead?
it's some hormone, abscisin,
that makes these go missin'.
maybe that's why my hair's left my head!
"
"colonel blink and the numskulls, that geezer
young sid, though not julius cheeser,
the violent hillys
and their rivals the billys?
all of these you would find in the beezer.
"
"i accept this is not quite the norm;
i don't care if it's cold or it's warm.
in one state you can't seize me;
allotropy frees me
to be in far more than one form.
"
"when the annual percentage yields fell,
and expected returns went to hell,
then the traders felt rough
for the going was tough.
was it better to buy or to sell?
"
"bored with rock? turn the page! you should check
out the master of strings, pick, and neck.
then you won't be so rapt on
the sound of e. clapton
when you hear the guitar of jeff beck.
"
"sympathetic accelerans nerve,
is my heart (and my blood) what you serve?
or are you my heart's master,
getting blood pumping faster
whenever i see a girl's curve?
"
"at my log cabin home near the eddy,
my antenna reception's not steady.
swirling water is fine
but for telly i pine?
the house wasn't built cable-ready.
"
"the colors in nature we view
are crebrous. although it is true
hues hard to perceive
are obscure, i believe
that numerous words are so, too.
"
"when dispatching a person with speed
then dispeed is a word you might need.
(that's ""send quickly away,""
not ""speedily slay"";
i hope that i didn't mislead.)
"
"there once was a farmer named routh
who had a rich sister down south.
she gave him a pony
with teeth that were phony.
(don't look a gift horse in the mouth.)
"
"hmm, to rend into pieces, or tear...
what's a word for that phrase? don't despair:
dilaniate's listed
(who knew it existed?) ?
this thesaurus is handy, i swear.
"
"a line through the cent of a circ
is a diam in geom studs' work.
drop the end of a word
and you may sound absurd,
so is diam a word, not a quirk?
"
"""it's dodecaphonic ? how toney.""
""twelve-tone music, that crap? it's baloney!
it makes my ears ache;
it's pretentious and fake?""
""i agree that it's dodeca-phony.""
"
"it's just a small rent to be paid
to lord paramount, via an aide.
but this chiefrie was due
back in 1292 ?
it's a bit in arrears, i'm afraid.
"
"don quixote, that sorrowful knight,
had delusions but strived to do right.
in cervantes' best book
the don wore a sad look:
a demented and dolorous sight.
"
"diallelus: a logical goof
where the premise is used as the proof.
""eggs are round 'cause they're eggs,
which are round."" that's the dregs
of an argument; better as spoof.
"
"every groundhog day, phil is released
to see if the winter's increased.
but for several good reasons,
when auguring seasons
please tune to the news, not a beast.
"
"diehard fans dress as anime art
to mimic a character's part.
in cosplay they find
many friends of like mind,
taking japanese manga to heart.
"
"my friend with four arms is unique;
he stands out in a crowd like a freak.
i think you'd agree
that distinctive is he:
no confusing his funny physique.
"
"i learned cotton's a comal tuft seed;
tufts of hair on a seed? yes, indeed.
though this thought may be weird ?
are there seeds with a beard,
with receding seed hairlines to heed?
"
"there once was a man from berlin
who was peeling where sunburn had been.
his pet snake, with a grin,
said, ""to desquamate, skin
turns itself inside out, outside in.""
"
"beauty parlors in azerbaijan
transform many a duck to a swan.
while in france, you would pay
a salon de beaut? ?
in sri lanka, a beauty ceylon.
"
"to float in the air is insanity,
if hydrogen's part of that vanity.
i need only relate
this dirigible's fate:
the hindenburg. (""oh, the humanity!"")
"
"to dam it ? to stop water's flow.
dimit it ? release, or let go.
and what if your light
was entirely too bright?
well, damn it, you'd dim it, i know.
"
"a diode directs one-way flow
of electrons (that's dc, you know).
p-n junctions inside
are there to provide
the basis for led's glow.
"
"a daughterboard plugs here, i guess,
to the motherboard? hmm, no success?
these instructions ? the worst!
with computers, i'm cursed ?
it's a son of a board! what a mess!
"
"holy angel of mons was an omen,
inspiring our soldiering yeomen ?
a boost to morale
to beat fritz, franz and karl.
praise st george and his agincourt bowmen!
"
"who camphorates moths on a wheel?
such a person is surely unreal.
is it not much more sound,
if your tool must be round,
to use camphor-soaked balls? they're ideal!
"
"since the chill in my bones has increased,
an amount of heat must be released.
and i'm now quite specific:
this fire, calorific,
has value ? my coldness has ceased.
"
"it is slapdash, to charge him with carelessness,
for that's not why he's suffering hairlessness?
pay attention: he's nude.
we are left to conclude
it fell out?to fall in with his wearlessness.
"
"an allowable business loss can
be deducted from tax; that's my plan.
i told my sec, ada,
""look, i'm not an evader?
it's legit if i write off my van.""
"
"the belga, alas, is no more:
worth (in belgian francs) one more than four,
used in foreign exchange,
with a life of short range,
for its years were one less than a score.
"
"no matter how matches unfold,
they will chant, oh so loud and so bold.
it's not truly so barmy
to be in this army ?
each year they miss winter's dark cold.
"
"a coquettish young female admeasurer
once told a farm's impotent treasurer,
""i've one veg to allot?
this shallot hits the spot.""
[i shall not end this verse with ""to pleasure her"".]
"
"it is bromide at fault, hear my plea.
don't you ever dissolve it in tea.
what was in my dad's brew
(i can swear this is true)
in the war, is now working on me.
"
"on an island, we dug up with pleasure
some pirates' lost hoard: not just treasure!
it was fun to apportion
the gold, but with caution?
d.j.'s locker, we dared not admeasure.
"
"""it's abnormal, this profit we've made,
so a dividend now will be paid.""
and did any applaud
this report of the board?
not a one. to a man, they hurrayed.
"
"though the elder's great talent was vaster,
the younger could copy much faster.
for each work of his father,
the younger made rather
more copies that mimicked the master.
"
"pieter brueghel the elder was new.
of the sacred in art he'd a view:
to reject the ornate,
to which folk can't relate.
make it simple: the bible's still true.
"
"so that hunger and danger will aller,
they appear, a grotesquely tense ballet.
for the good of the town,
they submit to the crown:
taut and tortured, the burghers of calais.
"
"abc (it's that easy) transporters
aren't arks, barques or craft meant for waters,
nor floating corvettes.
these are binding cassettes
as confirmed in genetical quarters.
"
"long the aussies and england both yearn
for the right to that precious small urn.
though they play other nations,
to standing ovations,
it's the ashes that makes both teams burn.
"
"you can't catch me out; fielders can't stick it:
not a slip, nor long leg, nor mid-wicket.
there's no point, mid-off, gully
to pouch me; i'm fully
too good to be caught out at cricket.
"
"clock towers hold works of horologists;
in their ivory towers, psychologists.
but my heart, how it sings
at the heavenly rings
of the bell towers' skilled campanologists.
"
"abiotic is my transformation
as i'm struck by the sun's radiation.
that's all it will take
for my body to wake
from an r.e.m. dream cogitation.
"
"in the seventh month, next to a tarn,
i put all my corn's ears in a barn.
the name abib fits two
of these things, it is true:
it's an earlier name for nisan.
"
"the butler report well defines
how in britain our press still declines,
for to label it ""whitewash""
is, being polite ? tosh.
today, few will read 'tween the lines.
"
"i once captained a team famed for fearlessness;
we'd defeat all our foes; we had peerlessness.
now our fans don't applaud,
'cause we've won no award
for long years, and our ground's full of cheerlessness.
"
"rhodes and griffith were given some rope,
just like lock, but not poor old geoff cope.
your career is a wreck if
you're, like ian meckiff,
thrown out as a ""chucker"". no hope.
"
"you're a hero, a symbol of unity,
braving disease with impunity.
treasure you bore
from the poisoned isle's shore;
no one knew you'd acquired immunity.
"
"to describe an acinic condition
(compound gland composition)'s my mission.
its pouches: dilated
in bunches instated.
i've defined this condition: fruition.
"
"accusatorially she glared at me.
and though innocent, guilty's my plea.
i was not even there,
but when faced with that stare,
there's no way that i'd risk staying free.
"
"a chinaman's cast through the air,
flies some yards, bounces legwards, and there
is smacked by a bat,
or not, and then that
is not over; there's five balls to spare.
"
"though it's scary and cause for alarm,
should it whizz past my head, i stay calm.
it may smash in my face;
i don't flinch ? it's the case
hooks for six cause a bowler more harm.
"
"he is truth and he's always on show,
and we love him for ever. we know
that he watches us all,
and his acts don't appal:
he's big brother, our friend. be it so.
"
"the cardinal winds, sailors know,
are the ones that from due north do blow,
or due south or due west,
or due east; but it's best
if the wind blows where i want to go.
"
"when the romans my country possessed,
in the south of the east (not the west)
was where belgic tribes were,
and they never did stir
till, ""go!"" fighting jutes did request.
"
"my aim, it is clear: to befog,
so you feel like your head's in a bog.
my motive's impure,
for i live to obscure.
you do not need to know; you're a cog.
"
"in the pleistocene age, in a cave,
dwelt a bear it is too late to save.
for the ursus spelaeus
has gone ? he won't see us.
he's extinct; his domain, now his grave.
"
"what this abietine is, who can tell?
it is tasteless, and worse, has no smell.
but at least you can see it.
and the way you can free it?
hot alcohol turns it to gel.
"
"the acetyl value's the weight
of the potash that's used to abate
all the acid in fat
which was hydrolised (that
is a fact that i'll gladly relate).
"
"accredited as an investor,
she thought that the good lord had blessed her.
by the 501 rule,
in three ways was she cool.
small wonder that lenders imprest her.
"
"i can't calligraph; i'd give my pile
for a beautiful hand?then i smile.
for i think that i hate
to see writing ornate.
it's the meaning that counts, not the style.
"
"it is bromic, this acid; no lie,
not the ""acid"" that makes you real high.
pharmaceutical uses,
not substance abuses,
are its purpose. too much and you'll dye!
"
"o mother, please don't be distressed,
for your baby's young life is still blest.
yes, the medics have said
rising blood cell count (red)
means an op won't be needed, just rest.
"
"we'll be famed as the new south sea bubble;
we're losing our cash at the double.
we're doomed at a hurry
to fret and to worry,
abnormal loss means we're in trouble.
"
"to h.p., there's a debt that we long owe;
the taste is so good you can't wrong go.
i toast them out loud;
of their cider i'm proud ?
good old bulmers, the makers of strongbow.
"
"i'll take action to quiet this title.
this dame must be hushed; it is vital.
i'll take it to court;
it is mine, she'll be taught;
though my words don't convince, legal right'll.
"
"my firm's capital structure is weird.
there are ordinary shares, and some geared;
some are b, some deferred,
and i recently heard
that the warrants' conversion date's neared.
"
"please heed how the accountant's oration
explains that it's not automation
makes assets' worth fall
in time (prorate them all) ?
it's a process of amortisation.
"
"is the spill of a liquid when under
an applied force an absolute wonder?
no, its lack of velocity
is a measure (viscosity)
of resistance to flow, not a blunder.
"
"as the dire charivari makes clear,
all the ""fun"" of the circus is here.
and the skilled ups and downs
of the acrobats/clowns
serve as fanfare for acts of false cheer.
"
"aurora and nina look great,
but mary and linda are late.
kylie, marilyn, gauge,
sunrise, kelly: this age
has so many, i've named a spare eight.
"
"for your motoring leisure don't shun
this organisation, my son,
for it pays to belong,
'cause wine, women, and song,
can't top c s m a for great fun.
"
"i've no money; i fear there's no way out.
i'm tied in; with this rope there's no pay out.
i am bound till maturity.
i hate this security!
they're cruel bonds, accrual bonds. best stay out.
"
"on the tails, firm against foreign knaves,
whom she sends to their watery graves
('tis no myth, i declare;
the reverse is true) ? there
is britannia ruling the waves.
"
"let me go on the uranus mission,
for you know it has been my ambition ?
since i saw on a map
saturn's rings have a gap ?
to pass by the cassini division.
"
"accommodation is needed to paper
over cracks in a loan to a draper.
if i cover, it's certain
he'll sell more than one curtain,
and the size of his debt will soon taper.
"
"acanthella's a genus of plant,
and a sponge from the sea?these enchant.
but as parasite, fear it;
don't let it get near: it
makes pants feel they've more than one ant.
"
"acinetiform's not what i'm called.
such a thought has me quite unenthralled,
since i'm neither suctorial,
nor at all infusorial
and by matter decayed i'm appalled.
"
"accentuators run through a circuit,
but my amp and guitar just can't work it.
though i flourish my plectrum,
still the audio spectrum
stays the same?till i jolt it and jerk it.
"
"the french do not last in my plot,
and the africans? rarely that hot.
as these marigolds drop,
the calendula's top,
for the english have not gone to pot.
"
"she is carpingly, nigglingly nagging,
persistent and petty?unflagging.
she started in june.
autumn's coming quite soon,
but her jaw just will not stop its wagging.
"
"we are sepal-less flowers (no outers).
though we're naked, it's normal ? don't doubt us.
there's no ""funny business"";
we are just acalycinous.
we're not, of propriety, flouters.
"
"i could scribble an ode about tony?
""to impress, he would eat cannelloni"".
but now silvio's gone,
meat-filled pasta's not on,
so i won't, for i, too, would be phoney.
"
"a starling, while breaking his fasting, wrote:
""so tasty are worms, they're of lasting note,
but it causes vexation
in my murmuration,
when choosing the best for our casting vote.""
"
"graminaceous my lawn was, and not
bryophytic ? that's how it has got.
i should stop, cut my losses,
embrace all these mosses,
'cause i can't grow much grass in this plot.
"
"he was found by the bureau to be
one against whom reports don't agree.
was he modern sense saint?
no official complaint,
but before war broke out, he did flee.
"
"a lost planet ? lost people, lost souls,
lost words; lemmy spies, alpha controls.
prof. von braun's cruel scheme
has no flaw; people seem
all doped up with no hopes and no goals.
"
"think you know what this verse is about?
there'll be obvious rhymes used no doubt,
with trite jokes on viagra,
and including niagara!
but, it's pain in the hand, caused by gout.
"
"when adjusting an entry, pretend
all the sums that you meant to expend
were committed before
double lines you did draw
and belong in that period end.
"
"when in belgium, a source of vexation:
to speak flemish or french? just one nation?
yes, fleming/walloon,
are united ? in tune,
praising stella. that's unification!
"
"folks today say they don't like the blues,
and this strange modern beat's what they choose.
but the sounds from way back
tell a truth new songs lack.
now hear good while i play you bad news.
"
"act the goat, or just weigh up these lines;
though you side-step or ram, fate entwines.
i have studied these topics;
there's two which are tropics,
and all of them cardinal signs.
"
"accumulation can happen between
metabolical pathways. i mean,
you inhibit selectively
one stage most effectively.
the result? in analysis, seen.
"
"whilst the campbellites trust in a king,
it is not that old emperor ming.
for their truth is not blurred,
as they follow the word.
why can't those lib dems do that thing?
"
"please use diuron only for weeds.
herbicidally, that's what one needs.
on the label: ""stops germinators"";
i mistook this for ""terminators"" ...
on robots it rarely succeeds!
"
"i feel drained, for a strange infestation
has caused body and mind enervation.
eosinophils flow.
will impurities go
from my bloodstream? i need depuration.
"
" diureticalness makes for some piddle,
pointing percy at porcelain, widdle,
the need for a tinkle,
a jeremy sprinkle,
a leak, or a wee, jimmy riddle.
"
"oh those curls, such a pearl, see her twirl.
my mind whirls and then swirls, what a girl!
i tremble and quiver,
turn to jelly and shiver.
this young lass has me all of a dirl.
"
"when some letters are doubled: dittography.
when instead some are missing: haplography.
but there's no repetitition,
nor even mission,
encountered in my bibliography.
"
"all our tommies are awfully bright
so the rsm won't shout ""eyes right"".
for the whole brave brigade
when they're out on parade,
dextroduction's the word. what a sight!
"
"he has said (unconfirmed) he can fix it,
that he'll write a good rhyme based on dixit.
such a statement, dogmatic,
deserves an emphatic
thumbs down from his peers. hope they nix it!
"
"you serve, i return with a dink
(this will certainly make your eyes blink).
i play softly, and yet
the ball's over the net,
then abruptly it's starting to sink.
"
"acceptance agents have uncle sam's leave
to process requests they receive
for identification:
those numbers our nation
of taxpayers need, or they'll grieve.
"
"i, campaigning to ban online poker,
hired a lobbying ""i'm in touch"" joker.
all his friends in high places
cost me more than four aces ?
yes this access has sure left me broker!
"
"disquietude plagues me non-stop;
on anxiety scales, i'm on top.
it takes quite a toll
on a worried man's soul
when he waits for the first shoe to drop.
"
"turning lead into gold was a sham:
not an ounce was produced, not a gram.
what brought comprehension?
docimastic attention ?
that's testing and thorough exam.
"
"i'm stuck on a single-lane road;
the lead car is as slow as a toad.
if they'd dualize this,
i would less likely miss
my appointment when needlessly slowed.
"
"my words, invert i, as a rule.
in remedial reading in school,
no teasing was spared
'cause i'm learning impaired:
i'm dyslexic, though nobody's fool.
"
"do you rhyme about those who are dead,
causing fountains of tears to be shed
on your sorrowful verse
(that lyrical hearse)?
you're an elegist: mourn, go ahead.
"
"the cornet has a shape that is conical;
so's the fish with that name, which i'll chronicle:
its snout's like the horn,
but with plates it was born;
the cornetfish lacks scales ? how ironical.
"
"an ebrious man on a plane
got annoyingly loud and profane.
when his seatmate complained,
the drunkard maintained:
""you should see when i try to abstain!""
"
"i slipped on the stairs in a store;
it left me all bruised and quite sore.
ecchymoses broke out
(ruptured vessels, no doubt) ?
black and blue, i could sue (that's the law).
"
"my servant became somewhat miffed:
""i climb stairs with large dishes"", he sniffed.
but the fellow was bright,
and installed overnight
a fast dumb-waiter (swift little lift).
"
"you are dead in a crypt; in a room you lie,
nondescript in a tomb among tumuli.
though your corpse is in shrouds,
your soul floats with clouds ?
it's cavorting on heavenly cumuli.
"
"to my tally of catches i'll add.
at short leg i move closer a tad,
and i'll win us the match;
all those edges i'll snatch
in that fielding position: bat pad.
"
"it just lobbed up to basil ? a dolly,
so simple to bag, but oh golly!
he snatched at the ball
'stead of letting it fall
to his hands, nice and steady ? what folly!
"
"on this wicket, the batting's no fun, son.
i doubt we will score many runs, son.
the ball's turning in,
so receptive to spin,
for the groundsman's prepared a real bunsen.
"
"who did something to something just then?
of those two, was it bill, was it ben?
as we all are agreed
that it wasn't the weed,
it was one of those flower pot men.
"
"how divast are these splendours of old,
left in ruins, devoid of their gold ?
all their glories erased,
burnt to ash, laid to waste.
but their virtues live on, still extolled.
"
"i find rending asunder sublime,
and such tearing away's not a crime.
so i split things apart ?
i divel and, at heart,
i am having a right ripping time.
"
"acroterium means just the same
as acroter. so what's in a name
for a pedestal? better
to lose the odd letter:
ink-, paper-, time-saving's my aim.
"
"acicularity ? that is my state:
narrow lengthiness, pointedness, great
similarity to
the shape of a cue.
use my needlelike tips to deflate.
"
"""if the river was whisky and i
was a diving duck,"" blues singers cry.
these birds muddy the waters,
revealing hind quarters,
while ducking for food 'fore they fly.
"
"i intend to displenish this ode,
like a lorry that's stripped of its load.
rhyme and meter will go;
finally so will the
..................................
"
"he's abandoned that person, i fear.
but it's god's will; yes, that much is clear.
the reward for your crime?
burn in hell for all time.
they're abandoned, all those who passed here.
"
"my views are no longer the same;
what i said in the past i disclaim.
i relinquish right now
all those words ? i devow.
so you see, i'm not really to blame.
"
"an accelerator factor is what
assists blood to coagulate, not
that which helps it to flow.
seems there's nothing you know
'bout blood processes. gosh, what a clot!
"
"my vain words i will have to recant.
not a one will be left here extant.
i was wrong, now i know
'twas the wrong place to sow;
all my seedlings i'll need to deplant.
"
"few call president kennedy ""cheat"",
see his life full of cant and deceit,
with a wife he'd betray;
rich from crime? most won't say;
they're too busy with nixon's clay feet.
"
"ephor chilon was greek and a sage,
and his sayings still leap off the page:
don't speak ill of the dead;
curb your anger, he said,
obey laws; be respectful of age.
"
"from the harbours of europe's west coast,
they once sailed full of cargo and post.
is that craft really there
or a vision ? a crayer
from the past (like the dutchman, a ghost)?
"
"to this opener take off your hat ?
he survived all deliveries that
his opponents propelled
whilst his team mates were felled.
good the player who carries his bat.
"
"""i have chared all my chares in the chare.""
has a meaning i'm willing to share:
every little job's done ?
i've completed each one
of my chores in the narrow road.   there!
"
"they are wizened, these features of mine.
of old age it is clearly a sign,
and my mind's full of drivel.
i've started to shrivel ?
as i crine, i decline, i opine.
"
"acantholimon ? that's prickly thrift ?
southeast europe to asia they drift.
to the north they're extant
'mongst some rocks. such a plant
should be ever-so-carefully sniffed!
"
"""all these bindings will need to be picked;
every chain and each rope i'll abstrict.
in this task, i'll not tarry,""
escapologist harry
houdini remarked (seconds ticked).
"
"""they are near intertwined like a wreath,""
said the dentist aligning my teeth.
""in your mouth, there's contusion;
the cause: distoclusion.
those on top don't fit those underneath.""
"
"one hundred and fifty ? last test,
as a batsman he ranked with the best,
it was his winning ball
that gave derek his haul,
but selectors gave dolly a rest.
"
"the captain is having a fit,
for the ball's hit the splice, the bat's split!
but they're scrambling a run,
is the match lost or won?
the return's smashed the stumps: direct hit.
"
"these remarks are offensive and vile;
they're distastive, repugnant. their bile
causes major revulsion,
impelling repulsion.
they're disgusting and sick ? not my style!
"
"one more dot ball, that's fifty today:
 a delivery not hit away,
from which no run was scored.
i will have to record
a plain dot in the scorebook: ? ok?
"
"the doosra's a ""googly"" in that
it will turn leg to off, so a bat
facing off-spinner's guile
finds he'll miss by a mile
when not spotting a ""wrong un"" ? owzat!
"
"""that man's out. is the umpire on drink?""
""i agree. here's what happened, i think:
he was given the benefit
of the doubt, it seems, when a fit
of achoos caused the umpire to blink.""
"
"in the final analysis, it
all comes down to the pertinent bit.
at the end of the day,
there is no more to say.
what counts most: bottom line ? does it fit?
"
"an anacronym, sadly i tell,
is an acronym most know so well
for the letters which start
each component or part,
that the others aren't clear as a bell.
"
"if i learn how to chirrup like birds
or to moo like the cattle in herds,
then my tale i will tell,
and communicate well
as i'm now at a loss  ?  for words.
"
"two elevens of batsmen go in
once or twice, deal with pace, seam, swing, spin
till they're out or declare,
then depart from the square.
yet the team with more runs might not win!
"
"i belaud you and praise you, applaud
all your acts. you are honoured, adored
in the highest degree.
my hosannas to thee.
and i pray that one day you'll be lord.
"
"a condom upon an erection,
the icing on top of confection,
the tiles on a house,
and the fur of a mouse ?
all are different types of contection.
"
"how the hell do we counter ""the don""?
we've tried all bowling methods save one.
larwood's right for leg theory?
aussies won't be so cheery
facing head-high fast balls on the ""on"".
"
"i am covered as writer in all
of the options i offer as ""call"".
but the value has grown
of these stocks that i own,
so i'm hoping the markets will fall.
"
"if this rhyme should receive rfas,
that's a fact that should never amaze.
these corollaries flow
not from me, but the fro
and the to of the workshopping phase.
"
"you think it is good and so quiz not;
you feel full of life but then fizz not.
things may not be so clear
as they sometimes appear,
so line five is a clue but it ain't.
"
"i'm in love. there can be no ambiguousness.
my mind spins, in its dazed whirligiguousness.
when we touch, it's divine,
so our lives i'll align
as i'm longing to gain her contiguousness.
"
"late at night by the light of a candle,
taking shafts from my shed steals a vandal.
i do not know his name.
and my tools? just the same,
they're not ansate: all lacking a handle.
"
"i keep going when told i should halt;
i pass pepper when asked for the salt.
can't pretend i've not heard
they all know i'm a nerd.
i'm a blockhead, a clodpole, a dolt.
"
"i'll be darned if i'm trod underfoot
and i swear that a stitch as i cut
won't stop my repair;
i will mend all this wear.
i'll be damned if on foot i'm not put.
"
"odonata flit over my pond;
i see dragon- and damselflies bond
and i wonder perchance,
""where's a knight with a lance?
a st george fly, with armour all donned.""
"
"sacr? bleu, it's a bottom of bag!
but this road is no sack full of swag.
we turned down a blind alley,
lost time in the rally,
so missing the first chequered flag.
"
"it's the shape when the jack's in his box. oh,
if placed on the floor, it won't rock. so
the die has been cast?
if it's cube-shaped 'twill last.
for more proof, ask the makers of oxo.
"
"a cut sends a ball through the air
off to fine (or more backwards) of square.
twos, threes, singles and fours,
all these runs draw applause,
when a bat plays this stroke with great flair.
"
"if the cullions refuse to avaunt,
and their rascally tricks tend to daunt,
these base knaves i disperse
by reciting strange verse,
and the classical records i flaunt.
"
"accumulation units ? a must
to help maximise growth in your trust,
for direct reinvesting
saves charges, so besting
distributed income, i've sussed.
"
"this is surely a curate's egg rhyme.
it is excellent some of the time.
there are parts which are good,
but the others are dud.
all in all, it is not worth a dime.
"
"your plan i'm determined to foil.
these dastardly plots i will spoil.
fine gael makes pacts,
so the taoiseach retracts,
as i get up to speak in the dail.
"
"flying object returning to earth,
you'd be better to give a wide berth.
it went not down the middle,
so dash, do not diddle.
hearing ""fore"", run for all you are worth.
"
"he growled ""fee"" then snarled ""fi"" and ""fo fum"",
then a most disappointed ""ho-hum"".
a man's bones for his bread
he would grind, but instead,
in these feminist days: english mum.
"
"""oh crikey!"" sounds terribly dated.
for using it, oft i've been slated,
but gosh! is it folly
to use words like golly,
in lieu of those triple-x rated?
"
"i like roman polanski's film where,
on an island, an oddly matched pair
and two gangsters collide.
they are trapped by the tide
of events till there's only one there.
"
"the fiduciary issue, i'm told,
means some banknotes are not backed by gold.
open wallet or purse,
read a lie, even worse;
i've no doubt that a pup we've been sold.
"
"our captain's elected to field,
so our fate, i expect, he has sealed.
this pitch will take spin.
in the fourth we'll be in,
with our weakness on ""turners"" revealed.
"
"it's a boundary! smashed it for four!
then a cut to the off brings four more.
each ball crossing the rope
fills our batsmen with hope
they'll hit ""nineteen five (b) law""s galore.
"
"each atom's a zillion times bigger;
together they form a steel figure.
though fixed in its stance,
it's like bubbles at dance
when the lights (off and on) shine with vigour.
"
"f.a.d.i.n.g. f.a.d.
i.n.g. f.a.d.i.n.g.
the print's growing paler;
this lim's looking frailer:
f.a.d.i.n.g... can you see?
"
"cross-cultural balladists should
just avoid mixing genres for good?
it's pallid 'n' bad in
a song like ""aladdin
goes dancing with wolves 'n da hood"".
"
"your bootstrap-type plants are acropetal.
once started, they don't want to stop at all.
the parts at the bottom
come first; once it's got 'em,
the last part to grow is atop it all.
"
"some parasite plants are insidious.
they're sinuous, sleek, ampelideous.
viny snakes in the grass,
they destroy where they pass.
lovely blooms, but their root system's hideous.
"
"the statue could use just a smidgeon
of fill for its nicks?some badigeon.
rather pointless, it's true,
pasting plaster and glue...
it will soon be replastered in pigeon.
"
"she mocked what he had in his pocket,
a joint with a ball in a socket.
said he, ""but it's free
to move any degree,
and the shaft tucks away when i dock it.""
"
"you're normally joking un peu,
but you deadpanned. au grand s?rieux,
you are joking, n'est-ce pas?
could you really?ma foi!?
pull a gun on poor moi and?mon dieu!
"
"aneretic prescriptions are scary.
they're destructive. how much? perhaps very.
if we take one, what dies?
will it cause our demise?
take the pill if you must, but be wary.
"
"since horse chestnuts taste very bitter,
they're barely fit food for a critter.
they're called ""aesculaceous""
from ""food"". goodness gracious!
as adjectives go, i've seen fitter.
"
"see your breath ? how it swirls, twirls, and tapers!
watch the clouds ? how creative their capers!
the field of atmology
needs no apology,
dealing with aqueous vapors.
"
"all my children are up for adoption?
my doctor tried telling me, ""stop! shun
your sole mate"" ? ""says who?
doc, i live in a shoe!
and apogeny isn't an option.""
"
"that this poem is good's my perception.
disagree? then without an exception
you will suffer my wrath,
so stay out of my path
or you'll wilt from my sharp-tongued correption.
"
"whilst my part is just that of a sub,
i've been longing to play for this club.
though my role's complemental,
in the field i'm not gentle.
should i play, then i will be the hub.
"
"a compulsory purchase annuity
means my cash will not reach superfluity.
all my fund i must spend
on a pension ? this end
shows i lacked economic acuity?
"
"i agree, you're so right, you're in touch
with my view. what you say, it is such
a concurring opinion,
i feel like a minion.
dost thou think i protesteth too much?
"
"to blow out has a name: exhalation.
to blow up may be called detonation.
all your breath you may use
to put out the lit fuse;
if you fail, there will be a conflation.
"
"contemporaneous 'twas (all this lore).
at the same time as this, history saw
together, aligned,
coincided, entwined,
the events that occurred, none afore.
"
"""do not allegorise,"" i advise,
""as the truth does not need a disguise.""
(h. c. andersen's fables
on me turn the tables,
so ignore my advice ? it's unwise.)
"
"like the annual percentage yield? wait!
don't confuse it with my a. p. rate;
you could end up in sorrow
if you lend, but don't borrow?
the effect of compounding is great.
"
"this administrant deals with affairs
for a couple who live up the stairs.
one in ermine-trimmed gown,
and the other, a crown,
all their problems are brown's (they were blair's).
"
"though you're witty, coruscant, and dashing,
your hobby could send you down crashing,
for the glittering frost
may just bite ? that's a cost
when in winter you choose to go flashing.
"
"ancient woods are this pig's cafeteria,
where its search for one acorn would weary a
pig of less note.
sweet and dark, the ballote
feeds the finest of hams in iberia.
"
"some are sure that events follow laws?
that effect follows cause without pause.
they require forbearance;
it's clear they're not parents:
they cannot believe just because.
"
"in the benzidine crystal there lies
the colorful past of cloth dyes.
we've good reason to rue
c12h12n2;
it was banned to prevent our demise.
"
"the backstays would not be longlasting
if they frayed in the gale to the blasting
of frustrated tars,
so they're tied off the spars
to the backstay-plates aft of the masting.
"
"i return to my woods, though i reckon
the bottles my love breaks the neck on
are all drunk?as is she:
her carousing's a plea
my own backcountry bacchant to beckon.
"
"ammonium nitrate?plants love it.
and so do the whackos who shove it
in buildings they blow up.
so how, now, the slowup
in tracking and getting rid of it?
"
"l'chaim! mazel tov! girl, you're it!
you're now a bath mitzvah, legit.
you chanted the torah
and now, kenahorah,
for adulthood you're finally fit!
"
"cell to mate: ""my defense is in line?
i'm intact, undissolved, feeling fine.
but when bacteriolysin
binds, dearie, all is in
hands that are stronger than mine.""
"
"as tsunamis and earthquakes will show,
the forces beneath us aren't slow.
anogenic events
can be quick and intense
when they swallow us up from below.
"
"we got betaine first from the beet;
then from cotton seed, vetch, sprouts of wheat.
it and ether part ways;
mixed with water, it stays.
it's a base, it's a crystal, it's sweet.
"
"what a fine stretch of waterfront land!
it is strewn with bright pebbles and sand.
this beach is so...beachy,
so perfect, so peachy!
let's stroll down the strand, hand in hand.
"
"matilda, menahem's main squeeze,
bred discomfort and grew hard to please.
so he soon came to hate her,
the swaggering baiter;
her pleasure, to hector and tease.
"
"a malodorous three-petaled flower
gave astringent relief in the hour
of a mother's travail
on the pioneer trail;
it's called birthroot because of its power.
"
"the calligrapher, higgle d. piggly,
made flourishes sweeping and squiggly.
his loops left the sheet
and entangled his feet,
for whatever he wrote, he wrote bigly.
"
"technology fosters felicity
by striving for fake authenticity.
thus biomimetics
makes textile synthetics
to dress us with style and simplicity.
"
"when permafrost thaws, the ground's spongy.
it's muddy, eroded, and grungy.
earth's scars arctogeal
may well never heal?
the arctic, once crisp, has gone fungy.
"
"is a shivering shaking the lumber?
does the gale interfere with your slumber?
if its huffing and puffing
could knock out your stuffing,
the wind has a high beaufort number.
"
"when bacteria struck, beta-lactam
used 4-atom ring power and smacked 'em.
beta-lactamase, though,
on behalf of the foe,
found the key to the drug's rings and hacked 'em.
"
"beurre mani? behaves much like a roux,
flour and butter in soup, sauce, and stew.
you whisk like the dickens
to add it; it thickens
the stew (and your arteries, too).
"
"all good things to an ending must tend. all
i want to do now is to rend all
your things into tatters.
you're not all that matters.
you're no more my be-all and end-all.
"
"""maybe fescue?"" you answer, ""no, sedge.""
""toward the middle?"" i ask. ""no, the edge.""
""then a hedge over there?""
""no, a ledge."" i forbear.
""didn't push, she just fell,"" i'll allege.
"
"achondritic rocks, rockhounds find cool?
well, they are cool; they've chilled in the pool
of our meteor debris
since four billion b.c.?
and their chondrules aren't there as a rule.
"
"asia's land took an age to beget:
when pangaea broke up, plates were set
into separate motions;
the gaps became oceans;
then india trampled tibet.
"
"the argentine plays the bandoneon
(first german, but now patagonian).
buttons left, buttons right,
in and out, through the night?
a beginner's a pure pandemonian.
"
"there are nouns whose declensions are many:
they'd tote endings at twenty a penny.
but nouns without traces
of endings?such cases
are aptotes?aren't apt to tote any.
"
"the man's brilliant! he garners acclaim.
he has beauty, and fortune, and fame.
but if bid to have dinner
to bask with this winner,
we're apt to decline, all the same.
"
"the bigeye, a warm-water fish,
at the end of the line, has one wish.
when it's hooked, its big eye,
round and wide, asks you, ""why
did i rise to the lure's siren swish?""
"
"my dear john, i am sure you'll agree
that my letter looks nice as can be.
well, you're dumped, i won't josh,
but with so much panache,
'cause i used autoformat, you see!
"
"dense acrisius! what is the use
making dana? be a recluse?
she's not his to withhold:
in a shower of gold
she gets pregnant with perseus, by zeus!
"
"a lamentable midwife from york
felt her fingers grow rigid and fork.
from her work she was banned,
for her accoucheur's hand
made her dangerous playing the stork.
"
"do you live in a desert of dread? do
you long for oases instead? do
you pray for a harem
to play harum scarum
and do in your bed as the bedu?
"
"have a sip of rhetorical snapple?
with antilogism we grapple:
no apples are dishes;
some dishes, delicious?
delicious cannot be an apple.
"
"the baroxyton's not fixed in form
though the best have four valves as the norm.
try the tuba's deep tenor
on kin now and then or
to keep kids awake in the dorm.
"
"the sun has its day in the sun
every day, but each day has to run.
so?actum ut supra?
it loops the old loop. ra-
ther boring above, but it's done.
"
"the crop of the oak tree is stunning.
though the yield's seldom good two years running,
the tree is splendiferous,
strong, balaniferous?
a corny occasion for punning.
"
"that beaverboard?this is my feeling?
ain't finished and looks unappealing.
i'd leave it to beaver,
but he's a believer
that fiberboard's fine for a ceiling.
"
"the argand lamp burns with a wick
that's cylindrical. here's why it's slick:
air within and without
keeps the flame bright and stout,
so much better than rags on a stick.
"
"hot all over, the lover boy gave her
a louver adorned with a laver.
ah, love! the receiver,
no fever allever,
washed up, stayed aloof, withheld favor.
"
"can temperance save us from shinny? an
itinerant preacher's opinion:
injunctions astringe us
to dampen our binges
and limit thereby hell's dominion.
"
"our eyes can see clearly by dint
of good muscles, but if you've a hint
of strabismus, you cope:
see a doc for anop-
sia, dear?just the hint of a squint.
"
"a man who mulled words as he idled
seldom sped to their meaning, but sidled:
of ""barnacled creature""
what is the main feature?
say, tortured? or goosed? or hinge-bridled?
"
"a bridge-playing man from the strand
could outsnub every snob in the land.
his contempt for them plain,
he displayed his disdain
when he showed them the back of his hand.
"
"anorthography isnt an orth
??  or a graffee tht goes bak nforth
it kan not bee invighting
????     2 reed whut im ritng
   liek ridin a rodeeo horth
"
"precise controlled growth is quotidian
in embryos. if the obsidian-
like action, so fixed,
becomes damaged or nixed
and the embryo's a blob, it's anidian.
"
"if you're dumb, deaf, and blind in a cell;
and you're numb, bored, and limbless as well?
it's not gonna please ya
to have anosphresia,
for then you could not even smell.
"
"he tapeworm: ""let's get off the bleachers?
our love life could use some new features.""
she tapeworm: ""you lummox,
we haven't the stomachs
for thrills. we're anenterous creatures.""
"
"my name is an alias. whether
i like being free of the tether
a real name can be
is what i mean to see,
for i'm somebody else altogether.
"
"a maverick dogie in walker
eluded the cowhand, its stalker.
he caught it at last;
though the calf's not bound fast,
sturdy barbwire restrains the young balker.
"
"the weary old witch wasn't feigning
distress when she found her skill waning.
her poisonous brew
was as wholesome as stew?
she had better brush up on her baning.
"
"a musically blessed cpa
played a mean bass at night; worked by day.
when asked, could he do
just the fun job, not two?
""on a bass base-pay basis? no way.""
"
"we are nine wickets down; just stay calm.
needing thirty's no cause for alarm,
for the game can be won,
just be ready to run
on ball six; for the bowling i'll farm.
"
"regard apomorphic statistics,
and study related cladistics.
they suggest darwin, c.
was correct, or should we
just go back to believing in mystics?
"
"not till toasting a win has long ceased
to be part of a victory feast
will we dare to think ill
of the beermaker's skill,
or the part played by live brewer's yeast.
"
"how long will this poem abide
on the outside of inside, and hide
in the ante-room ?  near?
till approved, it is clear
that tentative's access denied.
"
"lots of no-balls against us, then add
wides and runs not off bat but off pad.
but the cause of most sighs
was conceding those byes.
can our 'keeper be really so bad?
"
"it's the form of a word at the head
of a lexical topic (not said
as a password for entry,
the way past a sentry,
not a ""sesame""), a through to z.
"
"it's not epsom, i can't see a horse!
that's not baseball, it's soccer ? what sauce!
on the racecourse a wicket,
local sides playing cricket!
is this derby old hat? well of course.
"
"the cardinal virtues, god knows,
have importance that's primary; those
are: fortitude, justice,
and prudence, i trust, is
still there when my temperance goes.
"
"a busby's a most furry hat,
and no one could argue with that.
made of skin from a bear ?
soccer fans everywhere
then add, ""don't forget manager matt.""
"
"of the family group violin,
on their endpins they sometimes will spin.
pizzicato or bow,
double basses sound low,
but i can't tuck one under my chin!
"
"oh that adah, most joyous of mothers?
god himself must have granted her druthers!
no sons were so able
as jubal and jabal,
musician, tent dweller, fond brothers.
"
"""you can talk!?"" balaam gasped, staff in hand.
""had no choice,"" said his ass. ""i was banned
by a sword from the path;
you're unsubtle in wrath;
and broad hints you do not understand.""
"
"muttered balak to balaam, ""at first,
i considered you fairly well versed
in giving a damn
with bullock and ram?
but you blessed those that i wanted cursed.""
"
"moses told his twelve spies, ""take a walk
into canaan; observe and take stock.""
it took two men to muster
the succulent cluster
of hebron's grapes, grown by anak.
"
"you were flawed, but you have my esteem,
so ascend, moses, mount abarim.
you were doubtful in zin;
you'll pass on, and not in?
take a peek at the end of your dream.
"
"elishama, an ephraimite dude,
gave offerings of silver and food.
his deed is a story
that gives his folks glory?
hail them and his dad, ammihud!
"
"a bald man, on whose head hair is not,
is as clean as a man who has got
an abundance of hair.
that's not leprosy there,
but beware of a white reddish spot.
"
"says the lord, ""if you dare to despise
my commandments, then i must advise
you that i mean to plague you
with heart-rending ague;
it burns, and it eats up the eyes.""
"
"the old-time religion had issues
with issues, both hersues and hissues.
you'd best be unseen,
and you bathed to be clean,
and you couldn't just wipe 'em with tissues.
"
"lest the priests, who deliver god's speeches,
bear iniquity?exodus teaches?
they need cloth of a size
to conceal loins and thighs;
they and theirs shall forever wear breeches.
"
"blushed ruth, ""boaz seems a nice man.""
mused naomi, ""hmm...he's in our clan...
perhaps we can parlay
your ephah of barley
into something much nicer than bran?""
"
"""you have cut off my thumbs and big toes,""
remarked bezek's bold king. ""so it goes?
i've done similar things
to some seventy kings?
it's no bolt from the blue, the lord knows.""
"
"""he who takes the next town weds my daughter,""
said caleb?so othniel got her.
not a layabout lass,
achsah got off her ass
and demanded some land that had water.
"
"the philistine host of hazor
met its doom at the foot of tabor.
then said deborah, ""barak,
sis's head's on the block,
but a woman will give him what for.""
"
"a sentry, imbibling strong rye,
cast an eye on auld ai frae his skye.
he was sure macnun shot
him; and falling, he thought:
""ai-yai-yai, i'll eye ai; ay, for aye...""
"
"alas! turpitudinous taker,
a troubling disgrace to your maker!
you coveted loot,
and you stole it to boot?
and got stoned, achar, right there in achor.
"
"evolution and science are winning
some converts, though many are pinning
their hopes on the chapter
the faithful find apter
to comfort them: ""in the beginning...""
"
"jacob died. joseph cried, then took leave
of his duties in egypt to grieve.
men in canaan said, ""odd,
egypt mourns in atad?
yet how apt, thorns of sorrow to reeve.""
"
"of zibeon's sons, one's a winner
(about ajah the annals are thinner)?
but anah, the lad
who fed donkeys for dad
in the wild, was the world's first muleskinner.
"
"abimelech, king of gerar,
said to isaac, ""hey, don't go too far.
i've no hate in my heart
and i don't want to part
with your god and my well-digging star.""
"
"we anathematize you, you stinker.
so damned smart, but too free as a thinker.
you, baruch de spinoza,
we curse, for you pose a
grave threat to the church; you might sink her.
"
"they say basophilics stain blue?
then are violets basophils, too?
and if roses stain red
can it also be said
they are eosin-loving and true?
"
"by the wrath of the lord we are doomed
to dark places, like those long entombed.
lord, i humbly recall
ashes, wormwood, and gall;
daily mercies that we aren't consumed.
"
"your old rowboat you call a bateau
and you pack a pique-nique and g?teaux;
and that hovel, your home?
you're a king there, by gomme!?
you refer to it as your ch?teau.
"
"an anabas fish offered these
as its reasons for walking up trees:
""the waters were stygian;
acanthopterygian
fish like to perch in the breeze.""
"
"old gus is a crab, cross and querulous;
his bark's like a bite?almost perilous.
we serve marinara; gus
pouts for asparagus.
rough-skinned old gus is asperulous.
"
"but you can't mean the bible's not funny?
its stories are playful and punny!
in spite of the rumor,
it's full of good humor;
best laugh on god's earth, for my money!
"
"well, i'm nervous, for one. i don't know?
i'm also, i think, feeling low.
you say what? barythymia?
well...can you gimme a
pill?say twelve dozen or so?
"
"said ray to his lover's declinal,
""what is it?that i'm amphirhinal?""
said she, ""who opposes
two nostrils? but noses?
you can't have two noses; that's  final.""
"
"an anaphroditic direction
to bearing one's young seems perfection
to a pol who would ban
love of woman and man?
i don't give him much hope of election.
"
"imagine my pain and distress
at the rip in this no-return dress.
not a bargainer, i
paid the asking price (sigh).
i had bargained for more...and got less.
"
"apocynthion: orbit the moon
on a cow. (don't be landing her soon.)
the point in her arc
that is highest, you mark?
that's the spot!?with a dish and a spoon.
"
"amadelphous is, per dr. deming,
women sewing in bees, deftly hemming,
or the folk of a tribe.
it can also describe
lemming loyally following lemming.
"
"you can whip up this biscuit in haste.
when it's home-made, it's lovely to taste.
since its batter is beaten,
it's airy when eaten,
and might add less line to your waist.
"
"bad baldrick's a bold balistarius.
the objects he aims at are various.
you crossed him? oh my!
he's a cross crossbow guy?
hold on to your life, it's precarious.
"
"to the ramparts! man each balistraria!
shoot arrows! pour oil! till there's nary a
person left standing
wherever they're landing?
we'll teach 'em to climb our wistaria.
"
"i note with sporadical glee,
the basidiomycetous tree
of the fungi was thought
to be two-branched. what rot!
it is rusts, smuts, and mushrooms (that's three).
"
"a nearsighted coach from st. paul
saw the block?and the fall?and the sprawl;
yes, he saw the whole game,
but not who was to blame,
so he ballparked and bawled out the ball.
"
"when the lead dog took ill, the arctician
couldn't lift it, and feared for his mission.
of the arctic and snow
he knew all you could know,
but he wasn't a husky physician.
"
"be. look. reach. poop. bathe. turn. sleep. cry. feed.
puke. grow. walk. talk. run. learn. dream. love. breed.
laugh. change. fear. hate. fight. stay.
work. drive. need. slump. plead. play.
stop. smell. shirk. age. think. wait. ail. fall. bleed.
"
"great babylon's king loosed the truss
on jehoiachin; made quite a fuss.
but evil-merodach,
named so like a toad?ack!?
can't quite be seen kindly by us.
"
"when manassah reigned, people had fun.
they grieved when his son was undone.
then they put all the blame on
the butlers of amon
and passed the realm on to his son.
"
"hezekiah was brought to his knees
by an illness. isaiah said, ""please
put our good lord on trial;
shall ahaz's dial
fall back or spring forth ten degrees?""
"
"hezekiah, a healthy young lad
had a mother named abi (""my dad"").
he grew up on jokes
that poked fun at his folks:
""king ahaz, my dad and ? egad.""
"
"sputtered naaman the leper, ""abana
is clean. bathe in jordan? don't wanna.""
his servants said, ""try it,
what can you lose by it?""
said naaman, ""ok then, i'm gonna.""
"
"the faith of the sepharvaim
had a pyromaniacal theme:
they?on altar and pyre?
set their children afire;
god anammelech heard the kids scream.
"
"thought solomon, ""whoa now, big bro?
adonijah, you're clever, but no?
i shall reign all alone
and you shan't have the throne;
whom benaiah slays, i needn't know.""
"
"""jeroboam! hail, fellow, well met!
here's my robe?in twelve pieces. i'll let
you have ten for your own,""
said ahijah. ""the throne
isn't yours; it's the lord's. don't forget.""
"
"king baasha's kin got a curse
and it's hard to say who had it worse:
rural hicks, city herds?
crunched by dogs, picked by birds?
even dead, i'm to either averse.
"
"she was lovely, demure, not a nag,
was young abishag?far from a hag?
""but what am i, a tarp? it
is that or a carpet,
and all the king wants is a shag.""
"
"""my lord be exalted,"" intoned
adoniram, extortion skills honed.
they didn't adore him,
they couldn't ignore him;
their tribute? with stones he was stoned.
"
"adino (was the man on a bender?)
of eight hundred lives was the ender.
first of dave's mighty three,
it's surprising that he
has a place in the bible so slender.
"
"""hey, dave, put your vengeance on ice,""
said good abigail, ""nabal's not nice.
but don't kill him ?  i bet
you'll feel regal regret.""
dave took abigail and her advice.
"
"ahimelech said to saul, ""lord,
it is true i took david aboard.
but doeg's just fretting?
he calls it abetting?
i gave dave goliath's old sword.""
"
"that rascally dave sure could pull 'em?
a beggar, he chose not to cull 'em:
distressed and downtrodden,
in debt and besodden?
way down to the cave of adullam.
"
"the philistine foe had been deft;
they had taken the ark. but the theft
brought their god, dagon, down:
broken hands, broken crown?
he had only the stump of him left.
"
"king achish of gath said to dave,
""tell me, how go the roads that you pave?""
men and women were dead
who might else have gainsaid
the highwayman answer dave gave.
"
"david needed a good place to hide
from king saul. northern brides at his side?
abigail (from carmel),
ahinoam (jezreel)?
he went southward to gath to abide.
"
"""the ancients knew dirt comes from dirt,""
david said, ""bad from bad. but what hurt
can be done by a flea?
by a dead dog like me?
saul, i didn't cut you?just your skirt.""
"
"you're a long line of candles. your dad
was a candle and so is your lad.
you are ""dad to a candle"",
for abner's your handle?
are you the best light to be had?
"
"queen anne, whose good heart was no worse
for her faith, was to annates adverse.
her bounty unbounded,
she chartered and founded
a poor parsons' fund with the purse.
"
"your anthroposociological
studies are fine pedagogical
efforts that span
the environs and man?
very fine, but a little hodge-podgical.
"
"now angela likes angiology;
her guardian angel, theology.
angie likes blood and lymph,
but her self-centered nymph
tempts her sorely to try angelology.
"
"your fitness regime may be hectic
and your food fitly filling and pectic.
if the state of your bod
is still bad, they're a fraud;
if they worked, they'd be anticachectic.
"
"""there's a hole in the becket, nan?chuck it?""
""dear henry, a becket's no bucket.
if you fix the dang bucket,
that becket can tuck it
away on our way to nantucket.""
"
"the annulose structure of trees
helps scientists date things with ease.
the rings give the gauge
to determine the age,
and plant cellulose makes it a breeze.
"
"ad hanc vocem?i saw it occur
in a tome and it made me unsure.
just what is it? and where
do i go to get there?
to which word is it meant to refer?
"
"the christians are split by a chasm:
here romans, there greeks. where the azym-
ous bread has no yeast,
greeks don't mind in the least.
so, the true taste of christ ? which one has 'im?
"
"if your darling should greet you with glowers,
one remedy has special powers
to bring back a smile:
be anthophorous while
saying sorry?and come bearing flowers.
"
"times must change, but i'm feeling somehow
times were good then, unlike the times now.
autres temps, autres moeurs;
yet my heart won't concur?
our prince charming has married a cow.
"
"my transgression is sealed in a bag
(zigzag hem, slip-proof drawstring, you brag).
my iniquity's sewn
up within; like a stone
it weighs heavy and makes the bag sag.
"
"said eliphaz, bildad, and zophar,
""we feel for your loss, job, but so far,
you've not made your case.
you're the deuce, god's the ace,
and it's no use to blow your own shofar.""
"
"parshandah'ta, dalfon', and aspah'ta
aridai', arisai', and porah'ta?
get arid'atha sons
of a gun, haman's huns?
adah'lya, parmahsh'ta, vaizah'ta.
"
"abagtha, the eunuch, no jester,
was sent to queen vashti to test her:
?come straight to the king.
?i will do no such thing!
so the king promptly ditched her for esther.
"
"""jerusalem's wall? it's so frail!""
(hear tobiah, the ammonite, rail.)
though it made them so wroth
that their mouths were afroth,
ammon, ashdod, arabia, turned tail.
"
"nehemiah named all of the bringers
of clans to the land. real humdingers
with asaph were listed:
his children consisted
of one hundred forty-eight singers.
"
"priest abda's job's taken?a pity.
his role in the temple? sit pretty
while glad mattaniah
and gay bakbukiah
and he give god thanks by committee.
"
"""artaxerxes,"" wrote bishlam et al.,
""jews are building jerusalem's wall.
your accounts are compelling:
they're always rebelling.
restrain them; prevent urban sprawl.""
"
"amaziah enraged the lord when,
with his three hundred thousand choice men,
he curtailed the freedom
of worship in edom,
then set up their idols again.
"
"king ahaz's failures were many.
he worshipped unwisely, and then he
was hated by neighbors.
the last of his labors?
the lord wasn't left with a penny.
"
"saul, in order to lead dave to slaughter,
let him hope he might marry his daughter.
merab was the first
whose ""i do's"" saul rehearsed?
but it came to pass, adriel got her.
"
"said abigail, ""nabal's a knave;
he has never known how to behave.""
""there'll be no one at all
who can piss at a wall
when i'm through with the ingrate,"" said dave.
"
"""let no one say later, 'you blew it,'""
said abishai, ""look?nothing to it.
no need to strike twice,
saul is dead with one slice.""
noble david said, ""no, let god do it.""
"
"as to david, there isn't a doubt
what abiathar's ephod's about.
after dave put it on
folks would flatter and fawn:
it's the ephod that gave david clout.
"
"figured achish of dave, ""fiddle faddle?
he who slays more than saul wants his saddle.""
deduced dave, ""here in gath
they're too clever at math;
ergo, now i'll play mad and skedaddle.""
"
"the arrow that jonathan lobbed
out to david went long: saul was fobbed,
all his ill will confirmed;
the hobnobbers affirmed
lasting love, and to nob david hobbed.
"
"saul aspired to slay david, but whew!
there at naioth, here's all he could do:
once he stripped off his stuff
he lay down in the buff.
so they said, ""saul's a prophet now, too?""
"
"from mourning saul, sam's eyes grew dim.
""yet you must find a king."" god was grim.
seven sons sam appraised.
each one's prospects god razed:
""nope. not him, him, him, him, him, him, him.""
"
"clueless saul smote the amalekite
with the edge of his sword, then lost sight
of the fact agag's sheep
were not his sheep to keep,
which gave samuel a long, sleepless night.
"
"with six hundred soldiers to man it,
the battle could start; king saul ran it?
ahiah, the priest,
wore an ephod (at least)?
and a shared pomegranate began it.
"
"""isaiah's too hard,"" eunuch snorted.
""climb in, phil ? explain,"" he exhorted.
in a transport of glee,
cried the tutee, ""i see!""
tutor phil to azotus transported.
"
"in seeking christ's pardon from sinning,
jerusalemites had been winning.
but antioch's claim
to acclaim is their name?
it's where christians first had their beginning.
"
"said agabus, standing: ""i hear it.
it's signified clear by the spirit:
a hurdle of dearth
will engirdle the earth?
but your cash contributions will clear it.""
"
"cautious annas, high priest?here's the gist
of his edict that christians desist:
""if born-again peter
were somewhat discreeter
and neater, i wouldn't resist.""
"
"""what's that noise? it is blind bartimaeus;
he sounds like a pest sent to try us.
hear his cries?they increase.
can't the man hold his peace?
do be still!"" were the words of the pious.
"
"the meek and the righteous are blessed,
they who mourn, who are pure, and oppressed,
they who seek to make peace:
may your joy never cease.
like the salt of the earth, you're the best.
"
"what did achim do, either to please us
or not? (oh, just tell us, don't tease us.)
for good or for bad,
and if joseph's the dad,
he's the great-great-great-great-gramp of jesus.
"
"mount of olives will split open wide.
you can run on that day, but not hide.
in the valley, to azal
you'll gaze; the next phase'll
be haze; then live waters divide.
"
"""for three sins of ammon, or four,""
said the lord, ""i won't take any more?
their methods were gory
to gain territory;
i'll burn down their town during war.""
"
"let your plowshares be beat into swords;
make of pruninghooks spears for the hordes.
when a roar like a lion
pounds holy mount zion,
you'll know that it's wholly the lord's.
"
"azariah said, ""asa, be strong?
god is found, and is one, not a throng.
though the times now be lawless,
your subjects are flawless;
they'll kill all who don't come along.""
"
"abijah pursued a just war;
had thirty-eight children, no more.
i kid you not, kiddo;
go read it in iddo,
who wrote of this fine king of yore.
"
"when abiah bore ashur, she cried.
she was lonely, no man by her side.
""ay, sure, the day's black,
hezron...wish you were back.""
but her dear doting husband had died.
"
"as porter, take in what one offers
at temple and guard against scoffers.
asuppim can earn ya
an unholy hernia,
so work two by two in the coffers.
"
"we can guess how king dave might defend
how he chose those on whom to depend:
""ahithophel tells me
when folly propels me,
but hushai the archite's my friend.""
"
"baal-hanan made gracious demands
of the good lord who gave mankind lands.
down below in low plains
he prayed mainly for rains
for his olive and sycamore stands.
"
"saul begged to be slain by his steward,
who found the request too untoward.
but the poor armourbearer,
kabobbed by sheer terror,
soon fell and with saul was self-skewered.
"
"king david had gold beyond measure,
but counting it stole all his leisure.
""i want what i haveth,""
said he to azmaveth,
""you're stronger than death; guard my treasure.""
"
"said david, ""i hate to be snide,
but treason i cannot abide.""
""peace, peace, son of jesse,
betrayal is messy,""
amasai said, ""we're on your side.""
"
"athaliah searched high and searched low
for her grandchildren. why? to bestow
an affectionate hug?
no, to sever their jug-
ulars. why? she was queen. now you know.
"
"to arioch fell this foul mission:
to kill learned men. dan's petition
forestalled him: he'd got
the dream's plot the king sought,
which saved dan and the realm's erudition.
"
"was ashpenaz not herculean?
his mentoring merits a paean:
mishael, hananiah,
daniel, azariah?
he taught these judaeans chaldean.
"
"fierce white-bearded god?how embedded
he is in our brains (and how dreaded)!
the ancient of days
is sure set in his ways?
after dan wrote him down, he homesteaded.
"
"zeke, do not be dismayed by the glint
in their impudent faces. by dint
of the roll that you ate
i have rendered your pate
as an adamant harder than flint.
"
"aholibah, in the vicinity
of judah, sold cheap femininity.
zeke spat out her story
in bald allegory:
bruised breasts of a misspent virginity.
"
"shemaiah, flat wrong, never boasted
of children. this poor prophet posted
predictions by letter.
in fact, he fared better
than zedekiah and ahab, who roasted.
"
"scolded god, ""you're a garment i claimed
'til you made yourself messy and maimed.
now my stomach's acurdle
to think such a girdle
should cleave to my loins. be ashamed.""
"
"let me spell it out, plain, harsh, and true.
they are felled. with an ax. fixed with glue.
they're not glad. they can't mourn.
they can't move unless borne
on the shoulders of blockheads like you.
"
"pity abdeel, rue the betrayal?
his son shelemiah's conveyal
of prophet to king
on a book-burning fling
must have made him moan, ""where did i fail?""
"
"moaned jerry the prophet, ""we're hurtin';
the fall is well past, and the curtain
is closed on the summer.
oh lord, what a bummer,
there's no balm in gilead, that's certain.""
"
"""he's not yet at the end of his tether,""
said god of the pharaoh. ""but whether
he knows it or no,
he will soon let you go;
he shall thrust you out hence altogether.""
"
"the hide has a holy appeal;
where it came from, we cannot reveal.
what was skinned for the tent?
what we lack, we invent:
dolphin? antelope? badger? or seal?
"
"moses lowered his arms: israel quailed.
then he raised them: his people prevailed.
like the arms of a chair
hur stood here, aaron there.
in the end, the amalekites failed.
"
"an altar that's fancy and fluted?
is that what god wants? it's refuted
in exodus; stone
or plain earth, he'd condone.
if you alter the stone, it's polluted.
"
"did the pharaoh's girl's bathing troupe wake him?
no milk in the ark there to slake him.
and, behold, the babe wept.
that's when miriam leapt
up, suggesting mo's own mother take him.
"
"we were off to jerusalem ? yea! ?
in the first month of spring, the twelfth day:
ahavah, the river,
we left with a shiver
of joy, as god's hand paved the way.
"
"the lord said to moses, ""you're balking?
it's one thing to take off a stocking
or shoe in respect,
but you're stubborn as heck!
tap aaron to do all the talking.""
"
"this elk is a cow. she's in heat.
she is watching one bull elk get beat
by another so beamy,
so bullish, so dreamy,
she's dazzled; her joy is complete.
"
"if blessed with increased amour-propre,
might i out-meditate deepak chopra?
or (since i suspect
i lack deep self-respect)
might i still get a short spot on oprah?
"
"hey midas, want gold? well, you hinted
you did; all you touched became tinted.
advanced auriphrygia?
you hated it, didja?
i would, if my golden girl glinted.
"
"god will plant in the wilderness myrtle
and cedar and oil tree; the dirt'll
grow box tree and pine,
fir and shittah. how fine
it would be if our deserts were fertile!
"
"""o ye barren, who haven't borne, sing!""
says the lord, ""you're not missing a thing!
so you skipped the travail?
hear that desolate wail?
death, for children unborn, has no sting.""
"
"forsaken no more, my delight!
no more dusty and barren, but bright.
my beauty, my beulah?
rejoice! i'm a fool, a
lad lusting for you (and tonight).
"
"your incense? abominably awful.
your assemblies? too long by a jawful.
the feasts you appoint
put my nose out of joint;
they're annoying and i've had a crawful.
"
"there are three things?no, four?beyond ken:
eagle airborne, and serpent in den?
a ship as it braves
the mid-ocean waves?
and the way women put up with men.
"
"said solomon, alias agur,
who thought everything god says is pure:
""i am no fount of wis-
dom, but tell me, who is?
say much more, you're a liar for sure.""
"
"you discover a backbiting buster
has slandered you. what to do? muster
your angriest face,
like the north wind, and chase
that bad backbiter off with your bluster.
"
"i am counted with those in the pit.
i am troubled, distracted, unfit.
i'm afflicted with dread
to be free midst the dead?
where it's deep and it's dark, there i sit.
"
"i've not hid my iniquity. see,
i acknowledge my sin unto thee.
i'll confess my transgressions;
accept my confessions;
extend thy forgiveness to me.
"
"al-taschith, in the temple's employ,
was a singer who gave david joy.
to the maestro, we read,
al-taschith. and we heed
al by saving his psalms: ""don't destroy.""
"
"paul finds stephanas like a papaya:
he is zesty, the kind of a guy a
new cause needs for starters,
addicted to martyrs,
the first fruit and crown of achaia.
"
"for rachel, there was no tomorrow,
and ben was the last son she bore. oh,
that jake! he denied
her last wish as she died:
""he's benoni, the son of my sorrow.""
"
"why is antipasch known as ""low sunday""?
it can hardly be seen as a fun day:
if you'd just harrowed hell,
you'd be moody as well?
was christ still in the funk he felt monday?
"
"in the depths of the ocean there lies
the bathybius. huxley's surmise,
that it's life's very stuff,
didn't come up to snuff:
though bathybic, it's sludge?no such prize.
"
"a rich boor, whose conceit was egregious,
paid a poet to make him prestigious.
his odes were no portal
to glory immortal?
but golly, he wrote for the aegis.
"
"behold, now i stand at the door;
stand and knock?open up, i implore!
can any man hear me?
i'm hungry, and dear me,
my knuckles are swollen and sore.
"
"in hebrew, his name is abaddon,
this king that the patchwork folk had on
the throne of the pit
into which you can't spit
to the bottom, and boy! he's a plaid 'un.
"
"they're antichrists; that's what i figure.
my proof? i deduce it with rigor:
since they left us, they're gone.
it's not our side they're on.
had they stayed, then our side would be bigger.
"
"in your care of me, goodness amounts:
i abound; fullness gushes in founts.
god is pleased with your gift?
gosh, it gave me a lift!
it abounds to your godly accounts.
"
"ascending, did not he expand
till he filled up the bottom-most land?
descending, did not
he arrive at a spot
that was far above heaven? how grand!
"
"the day is at hand, and the night
is far spent. let us see fit to fight
works of darkness: awake,
it's high time! for love's sake,
let us put on the armour of light.
"
"chapter 16 of romans? i sigh
at the lazy epistler's nice try:
in a string of pss
the apostle impresses
his readers to tell others ""hi"".
"
"in old athens, paul preached on mars' hill.
take his speech, men of greece, as you will?
if your god was ""unknown""
was it much like a stone?
some believed; some were skeptical still.
"
"king agrippa, on hearing paul's plight,
of his fight with the jews, of the light
on the road to damascus,
said, ""paul, if you ask us,
we almost believe?but not quite.""
"
"jews and gentiles united! a vision
we no longer greet with derision?
we send barsabas back,
who will cut you some slack:
abjure idols; forego circumcision.
"
"""barjesus, we heard paulus call us,""
said saul, ""so stop trying to stall us.
you're bad beyond reason?
be blind for a season!""
this scared the bejeezus from paulus.
"
"here's a lesson?i'm guessin' aeneas,
if that bed-ridden lyddan could see us,
would agree?being whole
may be good for the soul
but from making our beds it won't free us.
"
"saul was blinded by light. ananias
told god, ""hey, i'm glad he can't eye us?
saul is one holy terror.""
said god, ""just an error
of judgment. go cure him; he's pious.""
"
"said barnabas, ""surely john mark
is the man to go with on our lark?""
""the pamphylian shirker?""
said paul, ""he's no worker?
he's the last man with whom i'd embark.""
"
"the first christians were communists. most
gave their all to the church, which could boast
wealth was shared without bias.
alas! ananias
gave less, and so gave up the ghost.
"
"how twisted is he whose distillery
is devised as a seething bacillary
for the breeding of bugs,
which resist all known drugs,
and make toxins for use in artillery.
"
"my neighbour's an excellent cook;
likes his carp charcoal-grilled ""off the hook.""
so nine platinum blondes
(in a line past his ponds)
made a barbecue down by the brook.
"
"my friend, who's not easy to please,
went out east, but succumbed to disease.
he returned from vacation
with joint inflammation
and said, ""what i've got's balinese.""
"
"as i gazed at the curry before us,
i knew that the chef must adore us.
from the depths of the sea,
but now swimming in ghee,
lay a lightly spiced alepisaurus.
"
"in these days of war, trouble and sorrow,
advice from the buddhists we'd borrow.
united we'd say
a loud, ""disarm today!""
we'll protest against dat arm tomorrow.
"
"once a year i'm inclined to spend days
in a telly-induced semi-haze,
when significant lucre
funds championship snooker
and coloured balls trip round the baize.
"
"""it looks like this lifeboat will sink
and we'll all end up drowned in the drink!""
said the skipper, ""keep bailing,
you moron, i'm sailing...""
his baleful glare made me shrink.
"
"said cyrus, ""those damnable greeks
have been raiding our kingdom for weeks.
achaemenid pride
says we persians must ride
out and slay them till not a greek speaks.""
"
"most serious histories take
the view that, regarding burnt cake,
king alfred the great
wasn't then in a state
to burn bridges or boats, nor to bake.
"
"as hippies we ate what was hip.
""psychedelical mushrooms? we'll flip!""
fly agaric, well-known
for its visions, is grown
as a tool used by toads for a trip.
"
"is hester in truth to be blamed
for her sex games which cannot be named?
good vibes? i confess
i would rather know less.
if i blush it's because i'm ashamed.
"
"how nasty was queen agrippina!
few romans were viler or meaner.
to claudius she said,
""deary me, how you bled...
oh nero, please call in a cleaner.""
"
"a man who'd become an adopter
mislaid the new baby. he popped her
in a box, where she fretted.
he later regretted
his original choice, so he swapped her.
"
"there was an old dealer from ealing,
who cut a large hole in the ceiling.
his wife gave him static
for filling their attic
with clutter she found unappealing.
"
"anglo-indians never took charge,
despised, as they were, in the raj.
both swami and mullah
condemned their mixed colour,
and vicars did too, by and large.
"
"though their gluteus maximus muscles
were normally covered by bustles,
victorian whores
always opened their drawers
when engaging in amorous tussles.
"
"a much maligned ape is the yeti.
as a snowman we're ready to bet he
has charms for his mate
we should not underrate.
abominable? maybe, when sweaty.
"
"suppose you approach acholuria?
the look of your pee is manurier.
your doctor may smile
and say that your bile
is disturbed for a while. he must cure ya.
"
"my lawyer said, ""what i'd advise is:
at all costs, avoid all surprises.
just do as you ought,
or at least don't get caught
by the law in its various guises.""
"
"paganini's main claim to great fame?
as a fiddler, when top of the game,
a star curiosity,
his sheer virtuosity
was met with ecstatic acclaim.
"
"when in summer they come from their caves
to our beaches to savour the waves,
the surfers and shaggies
clad only in baggies
go battle the ocean like braves.
"
"do i miss the baronial pile?
in truth, it's been gone quite a while.
the barony's name
still remains; just the same,
should you call me a baron, i'd smile.
"
"to market my fresh balm of gilead
(which cleared up some spots that poor willy had),
extolling its oils
for pox, tonsils and boils,
i'm resorting to this rather silly ad.
"
"""take your bandy legs back to dundee,""
said the major, and spluttered his tea.
""i should thrash you, of course,
if you weren't on your horse.
do you dare bandy insults with me?""
"
"my mother thought, ""vyvyan's nice,
let's call the boy that."" dad's advice:
thus baptismally named
i'd be dismally shamed;
the result? my name's cheepatha price.
"
"when you ask for some cash, they just groan,
be it houses or cars you could own.
if you're banking on that
all your plans will fall flat,
so don't bank on a bank for a loan.
"
"a ball mill is simply a vessel,
using water and balls as a pestle,
with which you will find
grinding less of a grind.
it revolves, so you won't have to wrestle.
"
"as i wandered throughout grimley moer
chanting metrical verse, door-to-door,
my efforts balladic
and clothing, nomadic,
made departure as swift as 'twas sore.
"
"the vicar was feeling quite dismal
as the trough in the aisle was abysmal.
he said, ""what i want,
on the whole, for a font
is something a bit more baptismal.""
"
"a female bald eagle chased hester.
don't ask why. it's unclear what possessed her.
beak, talons and wings
did some terrible things
to the girl, whose grim injuries fester!
"
"in tones that were icy with frost,
my doctor remarked, ""does the cost
of your endless complaint
not encourage restraint?
you're severely amyctic. get lost!""
"
"there's a field backing onto my land,
where i hear a rock festival's planned.
i refuse to be cowed!
too much noise is allowed!!
any loud backing-band should be banned!!!
"
"as i woke from my after-lunch snooze,
a huge monkey went off with the booze.
a mere human i'd shoot
as he fled with the loot?
but we sell barrigudos to zoos.
"
"in my home if you're hungry by three,
convention says wait, but feel free:
(when the munchies attack)
have a slice of barm brack,
wash it down with a strong cup of tea.
"
"it's me mate as i'm having to thank
for last night. i suppose that we drank.
for surely said he,
""let's us two barleybree.""
then the rest of the evening's a blank.
"
"i sailed off to java to see
could i find me a bangsring or three.
now may i allude
to the need to be shrewd
should you hunt for this mouse up a tree.
"
"my love for carlene was complete.
we went diving, a honeymoon treat,
when alas, her humungous
implanted bazungas
imploded at seventy feet.
"
"i thought i was doing alright,
but i'm stuck with this building, on site.
the boss says, ""no ligging,
grab a banjo, get digging,
you'll dance to my music tonight.""
"
"i thought i was being maligned,
but my tutor was just being kind
when he told me, ""work harder
to master bastarda?
your script must be clearly defined.""
"
"when my barnacles slide down my nose,
you'd be totally wrong to suppose
that my nose is a boat
or my head is afloat:
they're my spectacles (tinted in rose).
"
"she eats insects and bends like a willow.
her tail turns me on, what a thrill oh!
""could you hold it up straight
since we're going to mate,
you impenetrable armadillo?""
"
"i thought they had just gone astray,
but a cow thief had taken away
every cow from my herd.
for this felon the word
is abacter. we'll hang him one day.
"
"my new girlfriend has amulets plenty?
against evil, say most cognoscenti.
the last time i counted
the number had mounted,
and now she wears upwards of twenty.
"
"in my days of artistic creation
i used to use aftersensation.
the trick at the start
was to make my op art
leave a shape for identification.
"
"it appears that my answering machine
has two lights: one is red, one is green.
if aunts ring when i'm out,
the red flashes about
till i answer or wipe the tape clean.
"
"if acetoacetic's the acid
that's found in your pee, don't be placid.
diabetes now lurks
in your nethermost works,
and so what should be stiff could be flaccid.
"
"achan knew he would soon meet his maker,
as he wept in the valley of achor.
for his theft he was stoned,
also burnt and de-boned,
then his ashes were raked by a raker.
"
"it's clear that the current world state of
affairs needs a lead that's creative.
we lurch between crisis
and war: my advice is,
try being more accommodative.
"
"financially, feeling a lacka
the readies, i needed a backer.
an expert i sought,
who'd sold and who'd bought?
a businessman, not just an acca.
"
"ms. perkins' acclimatisation
technique caused a seaside sensation.
to cope with the heat
she stripped to her feet,
thus gaining men's awed veneration.
"
"if i say that i battel my wife,
you'll assume i cause trouble and strife.
but it means ""to make fat""
(also fertile) so that
(like good cattle) she'll bring forth new life.
"
"an editor chap (works for time)
once remarked, ""aaah, your limericks rhyme.
how boringly quaint,
so much dreary restraint!
of their type, they're a dozen a dime.""
"
"a benjamin, benjie, or ben
is an item of clothing for men.
for those who aspire
to the smartest attire,
it's a waistcoat. i think i'll have ten!
"
"long ago, when i visited florence,
the rain fell in buckets and torrents?
a flood so complete
it submerged every street,
as we watched in dismay and abhorrence.
"
"in the desert's unmerciful heat,
the legion was facing defeat.
someone said, ""sound the bugle?
though rations are frugal,
if we beat a retreat we can eat.""
"
"so your tickets are paid for and bought,
and you're off round the world, port-to-port.
when you're fishing down under
you may catch barramunda
(or lungfish). it isn't much sport.
"
"yer victorian gent wasn't choosy.
if he fancied a fling with a floozy,
he might even poke
at an old artichoke
if she wasn't too scabby and boozy.
"
"the people one meets when one shoots!
like the major, in jodhpurs and boots?
on guns, he's a bore
(be they twelve, ten or four),
but he's worst when discussing his roots...
"
"i decided my porsche was a jumper...
jumped a fence, hit the ditch, bent a bumper.
i was going so fast
that that bump was her last.
she's imperfect, so now i must dump her.
"
"my breakfast is porridge and toast,
with coffee from beans freshly roast.
so you see what i mean
when i say oat cuisine
is my forte. it's no idle boast!
"
"a very rich man followed hester.
he asked her back home and undressed her.
so intense their delight,
as they romped through the night,
she's retired and now she's a nester.
"
"a hunky young stud assessed hester,
and reckoned his assets impressed her.
""i'm hung like a horse!""
she replied, ""but of course
if you think i'm your mare you're a jester.""
"
"a couple of cops harassed hester,
and took quite some time to suggest her
strange sexual feats
were best kept off the streets,
or if not they would have to arrest her.
"
"quite a lass for high fashion was hester.
she couldn't abide polyester:
she dressed all in silk.
and her bath? ass's milk.
then promptly at six, a siesta.
"
"said the bailbondsman briefly to me,
""the arrangement's quite simple, you see:
as your crime's mild, you're bailable
if cash is available.
just find me the fee and you're free.""
"
"""not every wee microbe is bad,""
said my nanny, ""eat up and be glad
that the lacto-bacillus
will cure us, not kill us.
so finish that yoghourt, my lad.""
"
"we old hippies (our parents' despair)
like to think that our era was rare.
our trousers' flared bagginess
was matched by the shagginess
of beards and moustaches and hair.
"
"our reception was noisy but grand,
and we'd twice as much music as planned.
but i felt i could sing
when my bride kissed her ring
and said, ""love, that's the best wedding band!""
"
"minute as he is, the bacterium
reproduces so fast it can't weary 'im.
his microbial gut
will soon poison a cut
if your bloodstream becomes his imperium.
"
"the conservator had to decide
if the ""venus"" by rubens (so wide
that the canvas had ripped)
should be stretched and then stripped
before stitching her ample backside.
"
"""the bible is one of those places
where little-known people's disgraces
are lurid, and drink
often causes a stink,""
so says alemeth, covering his traces.
"
"i once had a girlfriend called phyllis,
who was fine till she ate aspergillus.
this fungus in cheese
was what caused her disease.
so much of our food seems to kill us.
"
"my sinister cellar resounds
with the baying of baskerville hounds.
come lightning and flash!
i've got monsters to mash!
i've got ghouls to engorge on my grounds!
"
"a spherical lady from dorset
whose frock wouldn't fit couldn't force it.
depressed by the tales
that she read on her scales,
she said, ""thanks to baleen, i've a corset.""
"
"to the sound of the westminster chimes
he read: ""shock! horror! minister's crimes!""
while he skipped to page three
he quipped, ""though an m.p,
we must all keep abreast of the times.""
"
"i shouted, ""bang on,"" don't you know,
when i shot the damn drummer, although
i would say to the law,
""what a dreary old bore.
he banged on, so he just had to go.""
"
"a randy old sloth up a tree
met an ai from shanghai, and when he
got a look at her heinie?
he whispered, ""wo ai ni!""
and two three-toed sloths became three.
"
"the victorious king of achaea
told his people, ""it's perfectly clear
those spartans, defeated,
don't need to be treated
as threats we achaeans should fear.""
"
"a mummy, who died when he tripped,
awoke, found his wrappings had slipped.
the linen in hanks
had unrolled, spilt his ankhs.
loss of ankhs gave him angst in his crypt.
"
"i should have examined the print,
as the builders have now left me skint.
the budgeted stuff
was expensive enough,
but the afterthoughts cost me a mint.
"
"as macbeth worked his way to the top,
his old mates, and the king, got the chop.
but, when dead banquo's ghost
came to call on his host,
all the banqueting just had to stop.
"
"my eyeballs feel coated in butter
as i decompose here in the gutter.
has drink made me blind?
my head's pounding; ""what kind
of an alcoholysis?"" i mutter.
"
"if you begged for an abergavenny,
and i said that i hadn't got any,
you would think i was mean.
you'd be right. i'll come clean?
it's just old london slang for a penny.
"
"when the park had its bandstand ""re-frilled""
the curves called for somebody skilled
in the use of a band saw
(you can't use a hand saw).
the band saw the frills and were thrilled.
"
"to the troubadour rowing his bateau
said the chatelaine, perched in her chateau:
""from your singing desist.
i can, frankly, resist
your advances. now, where is my gateau?""
"
"though he rarely appears in the day,
you had better stay out of the way
of the badger. his mood
can be foul around food,
so don't badger a badger at bay.
"
"the condition acute akinesia
is very unlikely to please ya.
your muscles all stop
any movement, you drop
like a stone, and your breathing gets wheezia.
"
"i agonised daily for days
as i worried and tried to find ways
to pay all of the bills,
which amounted to hills
of affliction, which said, ""now you pays!""
"
"i was passing the pub late at night,
when i saw a wee sliver of light.
the back door was ajar
so i parked me oul' car,
went inside, had a jar, and got tight.
"
"as i poked through the alien dregs
a monster hatched out of the eggs.
this tongueless aglossal
was simply colossal:
the aglossate ate both of my legs.
"
"if you hear people singin' and jiggin'
and notice that pints are a-swiggin'
(but no cotton in view),
then it's probably true
you're tied up in a pub in balbriggan.
"
"some gods thought him boozey and wacky,
some reckoned his orgies were tacky.
ignoring the hype,
bacchus picked up his pipe
and said, ""any of you seen my bacchae?""
"
"in ireland, the word politician
means a mixture of fraud and magician?
good at hiding his tracks
while he's stabbing the backs
of the bastards who'd curb his ambition!
"
"the amazons (who would have guessed?)
as a habit burnt off the right breast,
thus enhancing the flow
of the arrow to bow,
though it made for a lopsided chest.
"
"out fishing one day in the moat,
i landed a fish in my boat,
but my vision went tunnel?
it slipped down the gunnel!
that butterfish sure got my goat!
"
"a prosperous merchant called sanjeez
expired on the banks of the ganges.
though monstrously fat,
on the daums' burning ghat
he was toasted from face to phalanges.
"
"we've had to re-route the n3
through a farm where the cattle run free.
the bull was sedated,
his field excavated?
the bull dozed. we bulldozed his tree.
"
"now, gwendolen, go to the carriage!
a dress of barege i disparage.
and further, my child,
pray forget mr. wilde?
an unsuitable prospect for marriage!
"
"we marched out of barracks at dawn,
and we'd hardly time even to yawn
or to don a tin hat
when they bombed the place flat?
it's the officers' new croquet-lawn.
"
"in most modern buildings, the hall
is open, both spacious and tall.
as atriums (atria)
they're where you wait, rea-
lizing they make you feel small.
"
"the spartans, defeated, felt blue,
and wondered just what they should do.
they thought, ""that achaean
king's methods are mean,
but he's quite a keen warrior too.""
"
"though charming in many ways, kate
seems to live in a permanent state
of confusion, not knowing,
""am i coming or going?""
that's why she's called ""kate addle-pate.""
"
"a priest fancied fondling hester,
although saying her sins were a fester-
ing sore on her soul.
she said, ""on the whole
i'd prefer if you bless me."" he blessed her.
"
"as the kaiser looked out at the somme,
he totally lost his aplomb:
""that anglo-french army
is driving me barmy.
i wish we could drop a big bomb.""
"
"when edward, the victor at crecy,
decided that more might be less, he
said, ""let's make a meaty
great anglo-french treaty
and stop all these wars; they're too messy.""
"
"where amorousness is concerned,
there is many an ear that has burned
with a story of lust
that has bitten the dust
when the treacherous worm has returned.
"
"the aymara people must think
that the spanish and portuguese stink?
to come over the waves,
take their gold, make them slaves,
and then poison their brains with strong drink.
"
"some say it's a drug, a disease:
the bastarda held tight twixt my knees.
but i happily play
this small viol all day,
and all through the night, if i please.
"
"this panel shows archers at war
like they'd never been painted before,
their bows shooting arrows,
the dead guys in barrows?
that's art, sure, go buy me some more!
"
"the knights templar of malta, accused
of dark heresies, simply refused
to admit that they prayed
to baphomet, or strayed
from the creed that the mother church used.
"
"the sloth rates revenge very high
and his justice is rough, which is why
for a sloth on vendetta
(with  knife or beretta),
the code is: ""an ai for an ai.""
"
"for our trip to the moon, as we planned it,
we thought, ""we'll be seen when we land it,
if our rocket (pale rose)
has some bands round its nose.""
so we banded together to band it.
"
"that lovely young lady, alexis,
an ornament of the fair sex is.
alas, but her psyche
is thorny and spiky?
a lexicon full of complexes.
"
"""hail caesar! i have to relate
the barbarian's here, at the gate!
he's dirty, he's savage,
he's ready to ravage.""
""i'm bathing. please ask him to wait.""
"
"i'm not one as i'll fight without cause,
but him, i've just hauled in his hawse,
as i gave him a black eye
for calling me back eye.
he arsed for it, dinnee? applause?
"
"a man's head, in ching china, was graced
with a pigtail that hung to the waist.
to part with one's hair
showed no mere lack of flair,
but a barbarous absence of taste.
"
"as rob roy sallied forth with his men
to drive the brits out of the glen,
from his sporran and kilt
to his sword's basket hilt,
he looked like a hero, back then.
"
"when i used to go fishing at night,
my hook baited with lures shiny bright,
sitting tensely?breath bated?
i waited and waited
and prayed for a fish to come bite.
"
"a millionaire, lucky in lotto,
announced to the world that his motto
would be ""do as i please,""
drinking wine, eating cheese,
and retiring each night tutto blotto.
"
"a notorious tyrant was idi
amin. you can only ask, ""did he
treat uganda so well
when he made it a hell?
was he psycho, deluded, or giddy?""
"
"the ascendancy irish were bodies
of planters, at first merely squaddies.
king james, then the scots,
and king william sent lots
of them over as land-grabbing proddies.
"
"alas, if to spam you respond,
you create an insoluble bond,
as your email address
attracts more spam, not less,
from the spamming-hell regions beyond.
"
"bessy trod on some glass in the bog
and her gallop slowed down to a jog.
to the blacksmith i speeded.
a barshoe was needed
to cover my poor horse's frog.
"
"no wine left! amidst the confusion
in cana, christ said, ""the solution?
i think that i oughter
make wine out of water...
it's there, in the jug marked ablution.""
"
"major wilmer went barmy, poor chap,
and we all put it down to the clap.
but it seems the poor sod
really thought he was god:
a bad case of the old balkan tap.
"
"a type of great whale, which was sought a lot,
was boiled for its oil, which was bought a lot.
the cachalot, or sperm,
(you may use either term)
went nearly extinct. it was caught a lot!
"
"said god to his angels, ""let's rob
dear old job of repose by the hob.
we'll test him to see
if he'll play ball with me.
now, who's got the balls for the job?""
"
"the targets weren't easy to see
as the rifle-range baffles, all three,
seemed to get in the way
and my shots went astray.
dunno why, it's just baffling me.
"
"if i call you a basket, be sure
that my anger is like to endure;
as with malice and spite
i will take great delight
in implying your birth was impure.
"
"i tripped, cut my leg, how it hurt!
my doctor dad gave it a squirt
of iodine, saying,
""take care when you're playing,
look out, be alert!""...i'm a lert.
"
"you're sure to experience agony
if you fall off your horse and you drag a knee.
you're a pioneer who
will be safer, it's true,
if your travels are more covered-wagony.
"
"the  barth was as snug as could be
for our calves, but the farmer, says he
(as he stood by the hearth
lisping slightly), ""put barth
on the gate or the calveth will break free.""
"
"his hive is so clean that it squeaks.
just one spot and the beekeeper freaks.
so he shoots all the birds
that bombard it with turds,
eats the corpses and heaps up the beaks.
"
"there are very few fungi much scarier
than the ones that are termed alternaria.
you won't alter much
once a spore's tender touch
has felled you, so better be warier.
"
"i invested some cash in a plane
but the business went straight down the drain.
i bailed out very fast
but that bailout's my last,
as i'll never try flying again.
"
"it's as sure as the summer brings sparrows
the pre-celts buried corpses in barrows.
did they wheel them about
looking sad and devout
and then plant them with vegetable marrows?
"
"i was out with my falcon at dawn.
her wings bated, her hood was withdrawn.
i thought i should wait
for the wind to abate,
but she flew to the bait on the lawn.
"
"religion assumes an odd fashion
when the faithful indulge extreme passion,
like stripping in church
for a whipping of birch
with a countenance solemn and ashen.
"
"said the boatman, ""it's no idle boast;
on my boat i'll be kind to your ghost.
for two obols a ride,
o'er the styx we will glide.
you'll agree, i'm more charon than most!""
"
"beware of inhaling absidia;
you'll start feeling giddia and giddia.
just swallow enough
of the poisonous stuff,
and this fungus will surely get riddia.
"
"prince arki was lying in state
on account of a poodle he ate.
he choked on a bone!
so they called on the phone,
but the archiater was too late.
"
"a very fat lady called marge
had a grand-daughter, equally large.
said marge to her daughter,
""you oughter transport 'er
by water. so, go buy a barge.""
"
"what's the biggest thing living? no takers?
armillaria is, record-makers!
the description humungous
was made for this fungus,
which covers some thousands of acres.
"
"at my age, it is sad to relate,
all the hair has relinquished my pate.
this is termed m.p.b.
it's apparent to me
i'm not baldish, i'm bald as a plate.
"
"george brummell, who lived long ago,
was known to his colleagues as ""beau.""
they said of his passion ?
obsession with fashion ?
""the man is a peacock on show!""
"
"fond of cashews, dad choked on a nut,
which had lodged in his throat, not his gut,
the doctor said, ""death?
due to blockage of breath,
anacardic, not cardiac, glut.""
"
"a birdwatcher (champion of nerds)
said nothing, just photographed birds.
being keenly astucious,
he quoted confucius:
""one picture's worth ten thousand words.""
"
"when we'd hardly hove into the bay,
a bayamo took both masts away.
we had hoped to make sail
and run home 'fore the gale.
but now we're in cuba to stay.
"
"one thing is most certainly clear:
miss austin's new dress was not dear.
a robe of that ilk
should be made of fine silk.
hers is merely bariga i fear.
"
"ma prayed that this charm bring us luck,
and this mornin', at last, gold we struck.
oh lord, did we thank it?
we're diggin' through banket.
it's time to start fillin' the truck!
"
"i've requested that trollop to pack,
to leave and not never come back.
it simply don't suit
me to risk ill-repute.
she's so plainly a cheap barrack hack.
"
"when i dropped the roast pork on the floor,
i was sure the guests heard the chef roar.
but a waiter said, ""lash it
down there on yon ashet,
a wipe, and then straight through the door.""
"
"the gluteus maximus muscles
were designed to be covered by bustles,
but victorian whores
shed their shifts, skirts and drawers
when engaging in amorous tussles.
"
"a strident colleen from tyrone
had a voice could cut clean to the bone.
when two magpies drew near
she remarked, ""best stay clear
as one can kill two birds with one's tone!""
"
"after long weary hours at the stall,
the thought of a pint comes to call.
so long as we've scads
(an abundance) of brads,
a jolly time's certain for all.
"
"just hear how that first fiddle shouts.
he's called the violas ""dumb louts"";
hit one over the head
with his fiddle. it's dead?
the neck's broken, cracked belly, split bouts.
"
"there's one thing for certain: it's small.
in the world of the quail it ain't tall.
and it lacks a hind toe.
so, you asked what i know
of the button quail. there, that is all!
"
"said god to a wasp up a tree,
""o wasp, i say blest shalt thou be!""
in the throes of beatitude,
the wasp, feeling gratitude,
stung adam behind his left knee.
"
"as hermione waltzed round the hall
with her beau, who was terribly tall,
she looked up at the ball-flowers
(down on the wallflowers).
she was just having a ball.
"
"be quiet, child, don't say a word.
look there, where the nettle's all furred.
if you look, you may see,
there's a red barnabee
with black spots. that's a true ladybird.
"
"a good backhand is useful in sport,
while a backhander's something that ought
not to play such a part
when the politics start.
it's a bribe, i am sad to report.
"
"the abominable snowman, the yeti,
lives high in the hills of tibet. he
has fur that is red
(so 'tis said) on his head.
does he dine on deep-frozen spaghetti?
"
"some artists accused me of treason?
my expressionist chimp was the reason.
i showed off my barris
in the salons of paris,
where his art was the talk of the season.
"
"""eat yer chips or i'll lam ye,"" he said.
""but our daddy, i'd raither eat bread.""
""ye're no gettin' a bap
wi' yer haddi. a slap
is what ye'll be gettin' instead.""
"
"alas, that she's lamb-bedecked mutton,
not young, and for loving, a glutton.
but she strolls through my bowers
admiring these flowers:
i'll give her a bachelor's button.
"
"if you know that you really aren't real,
as the truth, not a line of old spiel,
but the self is all one,
then you've really begun
and advaita's your psychomobile.
"
"as he donned the abbatical mitre,
crinawn knew his grip should be tighter
to keep all the lands
in the hands of his clans,
and his son should be trained as a fighter.
"
"king henry was shrewd, mathematical,
in dealing with profits abbatical.
he said, ""these palatial
estates aren't abbatial:
the abbots are far too fanatical.""
"
"it's said, as a child, barely four,
michelangelo seemed to adore
not the guilding nor tapestry
in florence's baptistry ?
but ghiberti's great bronze northern door.
"
"my diet just makes me grow fatter.
my cook deep-fries fish in crisp batter.
the doctor now quips,
""those are chips on your hips!""
should i batter the cook, or the latter?
"
"how i wish that you wouldn't announce
every thought ? only talk when it counts.
continuous patter
is not welcome chatter.
annoyance, accordingly, mounts.
"
"all-inclusiveness might be a plus
in an austen or blake omnibus.
but for wodehouse ? now look,
to fit all in one book
would amount to a great deal of fuss.
"
"when you give an office to me,
this makes me your own appointee.
whatever i do,
i answer to you ?
despite my impressive degree.
"
"the waiter made quite an assumption.
i think it was quite a presumption.
it's just as i'd feared:
my plate has been cleared.
he sure had a whole lot of gumption!
"
"a teacher whose first love was fiction,
deploring our imprecise diction,
said, ""don't write 'all that'
at the drop of a hat.
show everything; give me depiction.""
"
"when you're in the ascendant, you're tops
till your stardom or prominence stops.
there's a sense independent
(opposed to descendant)
that means you're an ancestor, pops.
"
"as regards, sir, your most recent letter:
we thought that you would have known better.
as respects your request ?
it is hereby addressed:
we cannot make our spring water wetter.
"
"as per usual, i'm running late.
it's my typical, natural state.
it's my regular way
to arrive with delay
for a party, my job, or a date.
"
"allegedly from the uk,
the accent gives him a cachet
to friends in the states.
i hope this abates ?
he's really from scranton, pa.
"
"the word amateur, if you will,
in theory says nothing 'bout skill.
it just means no one pays.
but for clumsy displays,
amateurishly does fit the bill.
"
"allowable means it's okay
to do the thing tagged in this way.
you have our permission.
so, at your volition,
get on with it. have a nice day.
"
"your statement, thus far, brings no bliss.
you must, lest you would be remiss,
revise it and/or
append something more.
amendment comprises all this.
"
"a word i know's often susceptible
to appearing, whenever acceptable,
with difference, in tandem.
the word? (it's not random.)
appreciable (as in perceptible).
"
"as drank is the past tense of drink,
analogously, you would think
that you'd have to say ""thank""
and not ""thought."" to be frank,
irregular verbs really stink.
"
"like the sets by which math folks keep score,
in the prose world, we have our and/or.
it means both or else either,
exclusive of ""neither.""
it's logically sound, to be sure.
"
"an anteroom can be a bore
while you wait to go through the next door.
when you visit your lawyer
and sit in the foyer,
you're stuck on the opposite shore.
"
"my knowledge of matters antennal
weighs less than a teaspoon of fennel.
now, my friend who's a gnat
has antennae down pat.
but she's boarding this week at the kennel.
"
"in animal shape it's the norm
for function to influence form.
an anteater grows
an elongated nose
for taking an anthill by storm.
"
"it's a form of elliptical speaking
to end with ""and all."" if you're seeking
the same sort of tone
for which caulfield is known,
use this phrase. (be prepared for critiquing.)
"
"a radio broadcast announcer
was known as a big mispronouncer.
when he interviewed cher,
he addressed her as ""chair,""
causing some of her fans to renounce her.
"
"the playwright collapsed on the floor
when told that her show was a bore.
she called her clich?s
""archetypal displays,""
but the critics had seen it before.
"
"they asked if i'd come for a ride.
aloofly, i waved them aside.
""i'm feeding my brain,""
i said with disdain.
but now i wish i had complied.
"
"my grandmother's praise is effusive,
but often extremely allusive.
each time she commends,
her compliment ends
with reference to writers exclusive.
"
"if you're artful, you're cunning or sly.
like that oliver twist dodger guy.
when the label is borne
by an artist, it's worn
to mean primitive charms won't apply.
"
"a cinema not-so-resplendent
presents us with films independent.
it's a 100-seater,
this little art theater,
with only one ticket attendant.
"
"though they call it an animal cracker,
i've heard from my favorite snacker
it's really a cookie.
so if you're a rookie,
get hip to its sugary lacquer.
"
"when i brought my lp to the station,
they said, ""it could use alteration.""
they loved every song,
but the sleeve was too long.
(to be tailors was their aspiration.)
"
"hawaii's got coast more than highlands
(though its waterfront's smaller than thailand's).
the root of this magic
is archipelagic ?
the boon of a series of islands.
"
"when the talent scout called me inept,
""your remarks have no aptness,"" i wept.
""the juggling life calls!""
but i did drop those balls . . .
so perhaps, then, i am unadept.
"
"in the kitchen, you'll find me uncoachable,
though i'm perfectly nice and approachable.
i welcome the tips
from your competent lips.
but for me an egg just isn't poachable.
"
"the story that bivalve re-tells
is of mollusks that have double shells.
between these they cloister
themselves. every oyster
and scallop who tries it excels.
"
"besmirch and besmear are the same,
and dirty's the name of the game.
it's leaving a smudge
of chocolate or fudge,
or sullying someone's good name.
"
"your trendy display is belated.
our appetites all have been sated.
the season has passed;
the mood did not last.
the styles that you mimic have dated.
"
"a belter is not like a crooner.
he'll give you a headache much sooner.
your sister won't flip
for this loud-singing drip
unless she's a hired-on swooner.
"
"if you live between holland and france,
there's a rather significant chance
that you're belgian, you know,
just like christie's poirot
(whose finale she wrote in advance).
"
"a bedchamber's what it would seem:
a place one can sleep, perchance dream,
or taste the delights
that fill up the nights
of couples from kansas to n?mes.
"
"the order of primates is known
for aping whatever they're shown.
from toenail to nape,
we're practically ape,
and purchase the toys our friends own.
"
"a young antinovelist feller
called his publisher, simply to tell her,
""though my book's avant-garde
(cutting-edge, no-holds-barred),
i am surely not anti-bestseller.""
"
"divide something up, if you can.
distribute among your whole clan.
the process whereby
you slice up the pie
is apportionment. what a good plan!
"
"your demeanor (when push comes to shove)
reminds me of elders i love.
if you act like an uncle,
i say, prithee, nuncle,
avuncular fits like a glove.
"
"there are many things you can appoint ?
like the time to meet friends at some joint.
or if you're a big cheese,
you'll select, as you please,
the advisor you wish to anoint.
"
"a comb as a bookmark will do
if you don't mind the smell of shampoo.
but ? as you might gauge ?
you cannot save your page
while attempting to groom yourself, too.
"
"yes, the boulevard's more than a street.
big and broad, cartographically neat . . .
often long, straight and flat,
often urban at that . . . .
little cul-de-sacs just can't compete!
"
"use this to remove or un-do
a type of hexagonal screw.
the shape rings a bell
'cause it looks like an l.
o allen wrench, this one's for you.
"
"decisions are trouble for me.
i make them ambivalently.
choose apple? or peach?
the merits of each
can strike me equivalently.
"
"it's that effort you don't want to make,
the trouble you don't wish to take.
""oh, why should i bother?""
you might ask your father
upon being handed a rake.
"
"a bookish young man fits the mold,
we are stereotypically told,
by reading alone,
eschewing the phone,
and attesting that sports leave him cold.
"
"if i call you my boswell, this means
that you're there when i make all the scenes,
writing down what i say
(to be published some day
by magnificent printing machines).
"
"""i'm appreciative to a fault,""
i was telling my co-worker, walt.
""every form-letter greeting ?
to you, something fleeting ?
i wrap up and save in my vault.""
"
"the bookbinding trade still exists.
through the digital age it persists.
""why sew all those pages?""
say cyber-book sages.
a world full of readers resists.
"
"i've heard from a friend who's a pollster:
the trendiest pillow's the bolster!
cylindrical, firm,
good investment (long term) . . .
and you don't even need to upholster.
"
"boldface looks something like this.
it's text that you simply can't miss.
call it strong, call it black,
but don't squander it, jack.
if you use it too much, readers hiss.
"
"a boatload of stuff is a lot.
it may not reside on a yacht.
the metaphor's nice,
so take my advice
and use it more often than not.
"
"now, what do you call this condition:
two nouns in a row? apposition.
if you want an e.g.,
say ""numeral three.""
you will now have accomplished your mission.
"
"an applicant fills out a form
for a job or a grant. it's the norm.
and this process applies,
in a college, to guys
who want rooms in the favorite dorm.
"
"""the course will be quite comprehensive,""
said the teacher. the students looked pensive.
""but don't you get queasy ?
the subject is easy.
so, no need to feel apprehensive.""
"
"the platypus, friends, is unique
not just on account of its beak.
it has fur crown to legs,
yet the darling lays eggs!
anomalous seems a bit weak.
"
"if i talk of your blemish a bit,
i hope that you won't have a fit.
it's quite euphemistic
and sounds more artistic
than pimple or blackhead or zit.
"
"to blend is to merge or to mix
(like how mashup auteurs get their kicks).
you make a collage . . .
or merlot pinotage . . .
or composites of various pics.
"
"the day i first picked up a razor,
i took off my private-school blazer ?
that boyish serge jacket.
i just couldn't hack it . . .
lapels cut so crisp, as by laser.
"
"a sudden leap forward, perchance . . .
an epiphany or an advance . . . .
a breakthrough ? eureka! ?
in rome or topeka
can make you exclaim, sing or dance.
"
"the breadbasket (this is no fable)
is that thing full of rolls, on your table.
on a plane more abstract,
it's a term (point of fact)
for locales where the wheat crop is stable.
"
"you tell me that you never brag,
that boasting just isn't your bag.
when you claim to be humble,
my darling, you fumble.
i'm on to you ? ain't it a drag!
"
"if you wear suspenders, by chance,
to hold up your trousers {or pants},
you needn't pull faces
to hear them called braces.
it's usage from britain {near france}.
"
"when water is brackish, it's salty.
as a quencher, this renders it faulty.
but if you think it's keen,
blend some fresh with marine.
(add some grain, if you like your drinks malty.)
"
"i'm an apiarist from belize.
but no monkey jokes, now, if you please.
you see, monkeys aren't apes ?
just as bagels aren't crepes.
and moreover, the subject is bees.
"
"an ante meridiem meal
sounds fancy. but let me reveal
that it's served in the morn,
and pajamas are worn.
call it breakfast; it's sure to appeal.
"
"anglophilia indicates yanks
whose pleasures in life are all thanks
to austen and shaw,
the beatles and waugh,
and python's satirical pranks.
"
"an art form means jazz or ballet,
or pottery made out of clay,
or fictional tomes,
or paintings or poems,
or crafting the perfect toupee.
"
"if your humorous, written creation
comes with pages of dense annotation,
then the force of your spiel
may be less than ideal:
your jokes need too much explanation.
"
"it's tough to eat just one biscotto
with the latte you sip in some grotto.
the lure of this cookie
can make you play hooky
and cruise the caff?s in your auto.
"
"the caterer thought it was rude
that the party guests brought their own food.
""you paid me to cook.
i feel like a schnook!""
he said.  and he went off to brood.
"
"the u.s. has a biscuit, a bread ?
it's a plump little roll that you spread
with some butter, let's say.
if your home's the uk,
then the same word means ""cookie"" instead.
"
"i'm casual, baby, y'dig?
for lawyers, i care not a fig.
let's keep things informal.
for me, this is normal ?
no documents bearing my sig.
"
"apropos of my eyesight now, viz.
with regard to my vision . . . . gee whiz!
since you've brought up the topic ?
i'm slightly myopic.
i need some new glasses ? like his.
"
"the beautiful girl from duluth
is a pretty but bad-mannered youth.
though her profile's divine,
and her smile is just fine,
her demeanor is somewhat uncouth.
"
"a potable liquid; a drink;
the coffee you sip while you think . . . .
a beverage is
a fluteful of fizz
or the water on tap in your sink.
"
"when calling your wine beaujolais,
be aware: it's a name contr?l?e,
and a statute defines
the location of vines
that engender its trademark bouquet.
"
"if you have arithmetical skill,
you can add and subtract things until
you advance on the path
to the high-level math,
where you learn to plot functions at will.
"
"your anklebone gives you the chance
to pivot your foot when we dance.
it's often concealed,
but sometimes revealed
when you're sockless ? i love capri pants!
"
"i wuz shovellin' sugar, no sass?
gotta slap in me face from me lass.
she near left me half dead
on account of i said,
""hon, you sho gotta load of bagasse.""
"
"as orthodox treatment grows dearer,
alternative routes become clearer.
the doc wasn't sure
vera wanted a cure,
so he muttered and said, ""aloe vera.""
"
"the accident didn't kill fred.
""please, no penicillin..."" he said.
but nobody heard
his penultimate word?
he's anaphylactically dead.
"
"i'm not one of your super-tech boors?
my collection of vinyl ensures
that my chambers abound
with the full organ sound.
if you dare scratch my bach, i'll scratch yours.
"
"a trendy young fella met hester,
and thought that he'd like to molest her.
she said he looked cute
(by armani, his suit)
in his velvet versace sou'wester.
"
"when someone complained that our cheese
was too pale, i said, ""workers, now please
do remember our motto,
'just add more arnotto';
the red colour's certain to please.""
"
"in the course of my life i've tried lots
of packaging, packing up pots.
bubblewrap is fantastic,
just air trapped in plastic?
technology calling the shots!
"
"there are those one would wish to avoid,
as their pleading just leaves one annoyed.
buttonholer's the name
one employs for the same?
mostly indigent crass unemployed!
"
"the ban gardai should simply be banned
as i frankly do not understand
why this woman, a cop,
who instructs me to stop,
doesn't smile as i kiss her gloved hand.
"
"a welshman, aneurin the eggs,
suffered badly from aches in his legs.
he was told, ""what you need
is aneurin ? take heed,
drink some guinness, a couple of kegs.""
"
"there are those who go fishing by night
for mere perch, with a flare for a light.
when you fish for the barse
you just sit on your arse
and you wait for the bastard to bite.
"
"the bad delhi sweatshop boss, dheep,
wouldn't let the girls eat, talk or sleep.
when they broke down in tears,
he said, ""karma, my dears!
you know: as you sew, so you weep.""
"
"when you're dead and you've left the last mall,
and your coffin is under its pall,
you're all in, all washed up,
all bets off, drained the cup:
that's the terminal meaning of all.
"
"a doctor appointed to hester
called her into his rooms and undressed her.
the doctor, no saint,
almost ready to faint,
heard her claim his attentions depressed her.
"
"my colleagues consider me terse,
when i read and anatomise verse.
first i take it apart
from the end to the start
as i find less is more, more words worse.
"
"if you want your bread whiter than white,
you must agenize flour overnight.
no pain is involved
when the bleach is dissolved,
but it permeates every last bite.
"
"poor lad, he looked utterly wrecked.
""is that blood,"" i then asked, ""i detect?
just now it occurred
to me that you misheard
when i said you should be circumspect.""
"
"with my terrier, aff, playing ball,
i kept bowling the ball at the wall.
when afflicted with blisters
from throwing those twisters,
i kicked it, aff licked it. that's all.
"
"my friends say i simply can't see
that she's bitchy as bitchy can be.
guess her barbs are so sharp
i've been caught like a carp?
now that barb's got her hooks into me.
"
"said a scot to a sloth in the zoo,
""say, wud ye be a hairy ai, noo?""
""i am not from japan,""
said the sloth, ""if you can
check your facts, then you'll know who is who.""
"
"the fate our community dreads
came last night as we went to our beds.
they attacked after dark,
screaming vikings, baresark,
like a boatful of bears with sore heads.
"
"i'm rapidly nearing senility,
thus losing accountability.
to account for my time
my response is this rhyme,
which just adds to my sense of futility.
"
"when they fill up your bowels with barium
(to show soft-tissue tones and to vary 'em),
you're x-ray opaque
as the barium lake
in your gut forms a sigmoid aquarium!
"
"we was out in the bawley for plaice,
when my lad fell right over a brace.
as he started to squall,
i said, ""son, if you bawl
you'll get more than a smack in your face.""
"
"when i went to the races today,
i bet all that i had on a bay.
old stewball, the horse,
came in first, so of course
for the bayard the bookies must pay.
"
"a fellow i met, looking low,
said, ""i really dunno, i dunno.""
when i asked, ""is this true?""
he replied, ""wish i knew.
i'm bewildered, i guess. does it show?""
"
"friar tuck said, ""i think i should feed
on a tonic to counteract greed.
though the salads are sour,
i'll tuck in on the hour;
some balsamic is just what i need.""
"
"said the madam, ""i'm getting too old
for the game: time to quit, so i'm told.
as a bawd i'm just bored
with the whores in my horde.
i deserve to come in from the cold.""
"
"though your manner's polite, nice and mild,
if you don't eat your cabbage, my child,
big bad bashi-bazouks
will charge down with sharp hooks.
you'll be carried off into the wild.
"
"who needs glory? the battle forsakin',
i ran all a-fearin' and quakin'?
a hero i'm not:
all the others were shot.
it's a fool who ain't savin' his bacon.
"
"through my talking a blue streak, i've learned,
some bridges of mine have been burned.
i've rambled so long
that i've done my friends wrong.
now they think i'm a bore, and i'm spurned.
"
"my uncle's a terrible boaster.
he claims he invented the toaster!
i've heard him take credit
for hamlet (you've read it?).
his bragging could fill up a poster.
"
"they've given me only one stanza
to do what i like with bonanza.
it's a windfall, a boon . . .
do my words make you swoon?
i'm not waiting around for an anza.
"
"a tortilla, and maybe some greens . . .
then you may want to add in some beans,
meat or cheese (as you wish)
to this portable dish.
a burrito is what it all means.
"
"there was a young lady from dallas
who referred to her glass as a chalice.
said her father, ""look here?
that's a tumbler, my dear,
not a goblet."" she shrieked, ""you're so callous!""
"
"there once was a would-be musician
whose dream didn't come to fruition.
not picked by the dead ?
learns a trade now instead,
through apprenticeship with a mortician.
"
"there's a reason for this celebration ?
my sonata received an ovation!
this is why i rejoice,
shout ""hurrah"" in full voice,
and partake of a festive libation.
"
"each morning, i blow-dry my hair
(or what's left of it ? not much up there!).
the appliance i use
often burns out a fuse
with its strong, steady stream of hot air.
"
"from the nineties until the great war,
art nouveau reigned the worlds of decor
and graphic design.
with a sinuous line,
it's medieval, and modern, and more.
"
"at the home of a classical geek,
where etruscan and roman are chic,
of nods to antiquity,
note the ubiquity.
all of his attic is greek.
"
"a billboard's an eyesore, i fear,
on the highway along which you steer.
when they can't sell the space,
they put into place
a message like ""advertise here!""
"
"in a gift shop whose theme was the poodle,
you were really not using your noodle.
now you've dogs on your scarf,
and your ringtone goes ""arf!""
why, you bought the whole kit and caboodle!
"
"though we cannot agree, we concur.
we've arrived in two cars, as it were.
while our reasons diverge,
at the end, our views merge.
it's a pleasure debating you, sir!
"
"the joke book was lent by its owner,
but i gave up on reading this loaner,
since to annotate (lout!),
he wrote comments throughout
and obscured every pun, every groaner.
"
"an antbear is one of your aardvarks ?
a thing you won't meet in your carparks.
if this disappoints,
go seek out the joints
that they frequent for drum and guitar larks.
"
"my nanny goat ? did you offend 'er
by means of an error of gender?
if you petted her coat
and said, ""good billy goat!""
she may think you've been out on a bender.
"
"a bleach is a substance you keep
to remove stubborn stains when they seep
all over your blouse.
it's found in your house
and turns grey garments white while you sleep.
"
"there's a newspaper pic in a frame,
and the caption's the key to the game.
it describes all in sight,
and in strict ""left to right""
it regurgitates everyone's name.
"
"there's a pupa inside that cocoon.
it's not exiting anytime soon.
no, it's not due to sloth;
it's the way of a moth
(e.g., luna?a word that means ""moon"").
"
"a cockroach walked into a bar.
""you can't stay,"" they said. ""look what you are!""
quoth the vermin, ""no, no . . .
just a coffee to go?
i've got thirty-eight kids in the car.""
"
"when you meet with your buddies and gab,
i do wish you'd try not to blab.
your friend-to-friend patter
is indiscreet chatter.
i no longer think that you're fab!
"
"when dealing with some situations
in all of their manifestations,
assessment comes first ?
note the best and the worst,
till you recognize all implications.
"
"no, the apple (a fruit) can't give milk
(just as cattle will not produce silk).
apple butter is made
when they're chopped and pureed ?
as with peanuts, and things of that ilk.
"
"does paperwork leave you agape?
this a bureaucrat cannot escape.
and i've even a hunch
that he bundles his lunch
in a package that's sealed with red tape.
"
"well, you might put a bunk bed in place
just to utilize vertical space.
these are two beds (what fun!)
with the footprint of one.
sis will snore, but you won't see her face.
"
"""o tenor with pager, why pout?""
""my beeper, sir, never rings out.""
when i asked why this was,
he confessed, ""it's because
my talent is somewhat in doubt.""
"
"a teen who ate only crustaceans
explained to his weary relations,
""this will stop (never fear)
by the end of the year,
when i trot out some new affectations.""
"
"if it's papers you need to convey,
you might purchase a new attach?.
such a briefcase, you'll find,
is expressly designed
to stow documents neatly away.
"
"at a brewpub, supply is a snap.
you can locate the source with no map.
they have plenty of beer
'cause they make it right here.
and they'll serve it to you from a tap.
"
"we met in the breezeway today.
she asked me to linger. ""please stay
in this passage (no hall,
since there's nary a wall)
which connects building b back to a.""
"
"you're planning on selling your home.
is the door open wide? let 'em roam!
if you shun this exposure,
you'll fail to find closure
and never relocate to nome.
"
"though i seem, in your eyes, prepossessing,
my clairvoyance can be a mixed blessing.
i predict what will happen,
but still you're caught nappin'!
i find this a little distressing.
"
"the classicist turned up her nose
at the whole of victorian prose:
""keep your pater and ruskin!
it's greek and etruscan
i'm longing to read in repose.""
"
"the casting call lasted all day,
in a building in greater l.a.
""we have three thousand parts,
and, before filming starts,
we will fill every role!"" (so they say.)
"
"when you want things to move a bit faster,
there's a nifty device called the caster.
when affixed to the base
of your double-bass case,
some of these let it roll 'cross the plaster.
"
"i confess that i haven't a clue
how you make such a good cheese fondue.
when you melt cheese and wine,
your results are divine!
when i try it at home, i get goo.
"
"apostrophize me when you write.
address me, though i'm not in sight.
o lover, it's true:
i do it for you.
it's rhetorical, mutual delight.
"
"that boisterous group of young men
is out on the sidewalk again.
they show no restraint
(and that's my complaint),
their voices all cranked up to ""10"".
"
"i work in a bookstore by day
(a bookshop, the british would say).
i sell you a tome;
you toddle on home.
i'm making a living this way.
"
"if your desk is equipped with a blotter,
you won't damage it when you spill water.
this paper's so handy!
you'll find it just dandy
for tracing your favorite pet otter.
"
"for the age of a tree, there's a thing
that reveals it: the annual ring.
in the cross-section here,
growth (as girth) will appear.
it may vary a lot, spring to spring.
"
"cancel it! scratch the whole thing!
it's of nullness and voidness i sing.
let it drop like a stone ?
and i don't mean ""postpone.""
call it off, brother. take back the ring.
"
"""what's a cadence?"" think ""rhythm"" or ""beat,""
as defined by your metrical feet.
but as everyone knows,
in the tunes you compose,
it's some chords on your manuscript sheet.
"
"your cantankerousness is becoming.
you're as cranky as primitive plumbing!
how divinely you grouse
as you stomp 'round the house,
your curmudgeonly footsteps a-drumming.
"
"i was tidying, down on all fours,
when i came across this: is it yours?
it's a caraway seed.
could it be what you need
to fill one of your rye bread loaf's pores?
"
"sew a hood on that long cloak or coat ?
you've provided yourself a capote.
don't pronounce it ""capote""
or we'll think peyote
got into your sassafras float.
"
"with a camcorder clutched in your hand
(or affixed to a three-legged stand),
you can document all,
so to better recall
the spontaneous moments you've planned.
"
"the air rang with many a shout
when the final exam had let out.
in the dorms on the quad,
no one thought this was odd.
(on a campus it's normal, no doubt.)
"
"the calculus, children ? forsooth!
mathematical shortcut to truth!
and yet i have heard
(from a dentist) this word
as a term for the gunk on a tooth.
"
"though you coax and cajole and entice,
i intend to eschew your advice.
you persuaded me once
to invest like a dunce.
i will not make the same mistake twice.
"
"aliterate people agree
they know how to read, just like me.
but books?  they don't heed them;
they don't like to read them.
they learn all they want from tv.
"
"when abracadabra is heard,
a red scarf may become a white bird,
or a rabbit appear,
or a coin from your ear.
it's a magical spell-binding word.
"
"a poison that acts on the nerve,
aconitine crystals will serve
to examine, in part,
an arrhythmical heart,
but do not put them in an hors d'oeuvre.
"
"pick a hobby (that is, avocation)
to relax and relieve your frustration.
learn to knit or to cook,
take up golf, read a book,
but don't force me to share your fixation.
"
"the absorbate's the thing, don't you know,
that inside a solution will go.
whether liquid or gas
it will hide all its mass
within something like pure h2o.
"
"when an artificer works on a rhyme,
it is sure to stand testing by time.
he will build with great skill,
and with art that's a thrill,
but his anapest isn't sublime.
"
"acropodium comes from the greek,
meaning ""topmost"" and ""foot,"" so to speak.
if you want, in your prose,
to refer to the toes,
acrodactylum grants what you seek.
"
"clams and oysters are in a division
of mollusca which has this provision:
with no head in sight,
acephala's right
to describe the whole group with precision.
"
"when you arrogate then you claim, flat,
you have something (perhaps a large cat)
which in truth you have not;
that's to say, what you've got
was not yours but another's, you rat.
"
"for antiphony choirs must split
and find two separate places to sit.
sung from left and from right,
music's sure to delight.
the conductor, though, may have a fit.
"
"it's ""streamline""; it's ""deco""; it's glitzy.
it's twentieth-century ritzy.
art moderne is a style
that expressed itself while
the jazz age inspired f. scott fitzy.
"
"what is art glass? perhaps a nice vase,
like a piece from the tiffany phase,
when things iridescent
and those opalescent
were part of the art nouveau craze.
"
"a co-worker loaned me his watch.
my esteem in his eyes slipped a notch
when i dropped it in ink,
causing just what you'd think:
an irregular stain, or a blotch.
"
"if you blow off this meeting, my friend,
then our partnership comes to an end.
you've stood me up twice;
it's not at all nice.
the rift will be tricky to mend.
"
"an applecart? listen, my pet:
it's the thing you don't want to upset.
in an old-fashioned market,
you'll see someone park it.
a portable fruit-stand? you bet!
"
"as i scoop up my ninth canap?,
you endeavor to steer me away.
i'm a threat to hors d'oeuvres,
and you have no reserves.
but i doubt you can keep me at bay.
"
"antiquarian can be a label
for the person appraising your table.
she may even know
if the story you sow
of its origin's only a fable.
"
"those letters you send, i receive.
such nonsense is for the naive!
if gin is like truth,
you're full of vermouth.
i can not bring myself to believe.
"
"my dear, you're so very caressable.
my love is so strong it's professable.
are my feelings based much
on your softness of touch?
i can't tell; this just isn't assessable.
"
"i tend to belabor a theme.
each paragraph fills up a ream.
a repetitive chap,
i restate and recap
till the reader is ready to scream.
"
"when the mig is at five o'clock high
and you need it shot out of the sky,
as you sight through your scope,
pray your wingman can cope
with an analog clock ? or you'll die.
"
"when there's conflict you need to address,
keep your cool and stay calm; don't aggress.
when you take the offensive
and they get defensive
you'll find you're in more of a mess.
"
"the candidate, in his oration,
provided his foes with elation.
as he flipped left to right
they were filled with delight,
and accused him of gross abjuration.
"
"my diet is not so restrictive;
i don't find it over-afflictive.
you say, ""give up fat?""
i can do without that,
but chocolate is much too addictive.
"
"if for larger returns you're solicitous,
an acclivous graph is felicitous.
that curve sloping higher
may let you retire
unless your advisor's duplicitous.
"
"""we can never be sure, at the best,""
acatalepsy, the skeptics professed.
every answer's ""we guess,""
never straight ""no,"" or ""yes,""
so they wouldn't do well on a test.
"
"""my love is unchanging, enduring,""
he said to the maiden alluring.
he added, confidingly,
""and that means abidingly.""
since then she's no longer demurring.
"
"with good manners your children acquaint.
please teach them to act with restraint.
don't let them run wild
like a savage's child,
causing little old ladies to faint.
"
"it's naming a sound by a word,
like for ""b"" you instead would say ""bird,""
or in hebrew, let's say,
it is ""aleph"" for ""a"":
it's acrophony. (phonics? absurd!)
"
"if from your calm life you are hurled,
and dark clouds o'erhead are unfurled,
you see pluto (or hades)
some dead gents and ladies:
you're now part of death's afterworld.
"
"journals and memoirs, et cetera,
or essays concerning the tetra. . . .
the elegant prose
one reads in repose
is shelved with the heading belles lettres.
"
"your discourse is nothing but blather.
i'd lend you an ear, but i'd rather
get into the zone
and spout tripe of my own.
'tis better to sow than to gather.
"
"if you're taking a drink as a bracer
(such as scotch with a heineken chaser),
the purpose it serves
is steeling the nerves
for whatever you may have to face, sir.
"
"dear editor: when you revise me,
i wish that at least you'd apprise me.
you've changed more than spelling,
and all without telling.
my proofs can now often surprise me.
"
"the breadth of a physical space
is its distance across (which you pace).
not the length or the height...
now, let's get it right:
it's the width, when you measure the place.
"
"it's the hype that you hear in advance,
or deposits you see when you glance
at the sink or the tub.
get a sponge, now, and scrub.
will the buildup all vanish? fat chance!
"
"a brain teaser sharpens the mind.
it's a logical game of some kind.
via numbers or words,
it delights all us nerds
who like every conundrum we find.
"
"dear writer: your style is elastic,
your imagery fluid and plastic.
but ? my! ? how pretentious.
don't think me tendentious,
my friend, when i call it bombastic.
"
"will you think i'm committing a gaffe
if i order another carafe?
since we're drinking full-throttle,
why mess with a bottle?
decanters are better by half!
"
"a beltway's a very fast road?
except when the traffic has slowed.
(ay, there's the rub.)
it encircles the hub
in a loop, where each exit's a node.
"
"can you measure the length of a pinch?
there's a unit that makes it a cinch.
don't go using a meter;
the barleycorn's neater??
it's only a third of an inch.
"
"in trying to gain erudition,
i enrolled, and i paid my tuition.
but while honing my wits,
i wore pencils to bits,
and so now they all need acuition.
"
"feeling foolish, perhaps in disgrace?
wipe that look of chagrin from your face!
though you might be ashamed,
you will never be blamed
if a scapegoat appears in your place.
"
"when an arabist fellow i knew
(that's a scholar of arabs to you)
tried to find his first job
he was one of a mob.
now he watches the offers accrue.
"
"flour sifted, eggs ready to break,
and the oven preheated: let's bake!
mix in sugar and spice,
and some cocoa?how nice!
when it's ready, we'll eat chocolate cake.
"
"""an antipyretic!"" you're pleading,
as you wake in the night with sweat beading.
it's a drug you can take
so your fever will break,
unless it's a/c that you're needing.
"
"there once was a fair armadillo
who sewed a design on a pillow.
her zigzag bargello
astonished her fellow
whose embroidery hadn't such skill-o.
"
"the peers, with their badinage airy,
provoked and enraged the queen fairy.
they found that their banter
just didn't enchant her,
and her curse taught them manners more wary.
"
"an apple (no matter what type)
has some flesh (which tastes best when it's ripe),
a basin (the dimple),
a stem (that part's simple),
and skin (that's the part that you wipe).
"
"antiradical folks will impede
those extremists who take as their creed
that they're willing to break
any promise and take
any measure they can to succeed.
"
"doc freud liked to map self-deception;
herr kant, in his time, apperception.
his view of the mind:
it relates what we find
to empirically based preconception.
"
"you may think of the term appellation
as a title or nickname creation.
and if, by some chance,
you've a vineyard in france,
then you must follow this designation.
"
"three cheers for the crude alternator,
a widely in use generator!
if this falls apart,
your car may not start.
(we'll cover direct current later.)
"
"the beauty of flowers in blossom
is something that people find awesome.
when they open (or bloom)
your spirits may zoom ?
quite a lift, after months playing possum.
"
"""my performance has never once missed.
it will bring down the house,"" i insist.
but the agent's not sold.
his demeanor is cold.
i'm amazed that the guy can resist!
"
"a bracket, affixed with a screw,
can hold up a shelf. whoop-dee-doo!
[and, if you can abide
this sort of aside,
you'll see that it punctuates, too.]
"
"the exec did not like the campaign,
and she greeted each ad with disdain.
""all your billboards fall flat.
your commercials? old hat!
not a customer will they obtain.""
"
"a causal relationship's one
in which something (thing ""b"") is begun
or is put into play
by another thing (""a"").
it's like ""action/reaction"" ? what fun!
"
"ah, your camembert ? please bring us more!
such a soft cheese we cannot ignore.
one more thing we have found:
it is perfectly round.
and the last one rolled right out the door.
"
"if you take a deduction (or three),
then a chargeback is what you will see.
and this item then clears
when your credit appears
(just as long as they match to a t).
"
"many ants will treat aphids like cows
by providing them places to browse,
and then milking a few
for their honeydew goo,
taking all that their ant law allows.
"
"though their friendship, 'til now, was platonical,
they arranged for a trysting acronical
(that's at twilight, or near).
when he didn't appear,
her fears led to tears histrionical.
"
"a storm labeled anticyclonic
has winds in a twisting shape, conic.
in a northern location,
it's a clockwise rotation;
in the south, counterclockwise is chronic.
"
"if you're pricked while you're smelling a rose
(which is guarded by thorns as it grows),
an accipiter patches
your thorn-induced scratches:
it's a bandage that goes round your nose.
"
"the keys of his typewriter sang
as he angrily typed his harangue.
his language was vivid:
with fury, quite livid,
he closed his report with a bang!
"
"the moon doesn't have any air,
so the flag that they planted up there
had a crossbar and pole
giving extra control
to assure its appearance aflare.
"
"an author named washington irving
wrote a story that merits preserving:
the horseman folks fled
was acranial (no head).
i find the effect quite unnerving.
"
"how deep is the ocean? i wonder.
how long would it take to go under
the sea, to its treasures?
bathymetry measures
the distance to piraty plunder.
"
"the addend's the number you add
to the augend, the number you had.
with computers it's quick,
on an abacus, slick,
done by hand it might slow you a tad.
"
"a pastry that's shaped like a boat
on a puddle of chocolate might float.
it is called a barquette
and you'll never regret
if one happens to sail down your throat.
"
"if your son took a shot at a foe
or your daughter got drunk with her beau,
and you weren't even there,
the policeman won't care:
as a parent you're answerable. d'oh!
"
"the cells that make smiles all aglow
are the ameloblasts, as you know.
it's your teeth that they build,
and at that they're quite skilled.
tooth enamel is what these cells grow.
"
"if you're anthropocentric, you view
all the world with a man-centered skew.
you think man is the aim
of the universe game.
other viewpoints mean nothing to you.
"
"aluminum oxide's not rust;
it is used when we want to make dust.
for whatever we're shaping
when grinding and scraping,
the crystalline form is a must.
"
"an electroencephalograph
is employed by the medical staff.
alpha waves in your brain
are recorded (sans pain),
and your hairdo will give you a laugh.
"
"a bitmap's a way to portray
any image you wish to display.
just convert it to dots
(you will need lots and lots),
all arranged in a grid or array.
"
"in appearance, we try to impress:
first impressions may lead to success.
so if bibless while lunching,
indelicate munching
may lead to a need to redress.
"
"when an ampere, a volt, and an ohm
went out drinking with coulomb in rome,
volt shot coulomb's drink
through ohm's straw to the sink
just to prove he could drive ampere home.
"
"obligations and deadlines may lurk
for those who are trapped in their work.
but for me there's no woe:
my job's abdicable, so
all my duties i'm willing to shirk.
"
"abnodation refers to the act
of de-knotting a tree (knots get hacked).
if you lay the roots bare
to both water and air,
you ablaqueate?that is a fact.
"
"when you have diff'rent things to compare
(say, perhaps, one is dark, one is fair)
it is not at all rude
to point out they ablude.
it just means they're unlike, i declare.
"
"when you're lying in bed wide awake
and you can't go to sleep 'cause you ache,
and your head is so sore
you can't take any more,
acetaminophen gives you a break.
"
"if you find yourself in a rough spot
an adage may help fix your lot:
""never leap without looking.""
""extra chefs spoil the cooking.""
""water boils when you don't watch the pot.""
"
"when everything ends at its worst
and all of your bubbles have burst,
and you've no luck at all
and no further to fall,
it may be that you are accurst.
"
"to fill overfull is the ploy,
overload and to stuff:  to accloy.
to cram to the top
until ready to pop,
but if chocolate's involved, what a joy!
"
"acromonogrammatic holds true ?
ending letters start lines that are new,
with each letter that starts
so the former line parts.
say ? it's not very easy to do.
"
"the archer who loved life agrarian
was considering settings riparian,
for placing a farm
by a river with charm
seemed better for courting maid marian.
"
"in mathematics, a term that is rare
is the acnode, which states with great care
that this point may still get
to be one of the set
though apart from the rest, like a spare.
"
"actinolite: rock that is green.
(it's the iron that gives the green sheen.)
without iron it's white,
then it's called tremolite.
its crystals are long, thin, and lean.
"
"anesthesia, everyone knows,
decreases sensation. suppose
that acro-'s the kind
which you have, then you'll find
that you can't feel your fingers and toes.
"
"when the armorer looks at the knight,
his professional thought is contrite;
if the knight goes to war
with flint shield as decor,
then his anger's not all he'll ignite.
"
"the polar explorer was ranting
of his compass's needle un-canting?
so aclinic and level.
he said, ""what the devil?
no wonder my sled dogs are panting.""
"
"i'm approaching my birthday with dread
as 40 swirls round in my head.
i just cannot handle
that one extra candle;
i'm using base twelve now instead.
"
"georg cantor accepted some bets
to tabulate infinite sets.
when his counting grew dull,
he declared, ""aleph-null
is the smallest infinity gets.""
"
"a balloon is an object inflatable
whose usefulness, burst, is debatable.
such outcomes foreseeable,
both dull and agreeable,
are said to be anticipatable.
"
"an assuetude shouldn't astound you;
you're used to whatever's around you.
those inured to it less,
in distress, may profess
that you stink to high heaven, confound you!
"
"an arithmetician once tried
to multiply, add, and divide
sets of numbers he'd found
to describe objects round
but the effort just left him pi-eyed.
"
"discovering farming was sweet,
planting barley, potatoes, and wheat.
agriculture's creation
increased population
and gave us all something to eat.
"
"if with armament you're not equipped
for your soldiers (the guys you conscript),
if you haven't some rifles
or similar trifles,
your army will likely be whipped.
"
"a brilliant, bright garnet that's red
is the almandite.  legend has said
garnets lit noah's ark
and guide wearers through dark.
it's called almandine, sometimes, instead.
"
"an aliquot evenly splits,
as three into twelve nicely fits.
if, instead, you contrive
to divide twelve by five,
five's an aliquant, leaving some bits.
"
"i have ambulophobia. don't mock
as i stand with my face white as chalk.
though i hate to make scenes,
my phobia means
that i'm simply too frightened to walk.
"
"on a citrus fruit, outside's the zest,
and the pulpy inside is the best.
but the white stuff you find
that is part of the rind
is albedo: it's what i detest.
"
"acceptilation lets debtors go free
without any payment or fee.
with no obligation,
this debt cancellation
will certainly fill them with glee.
"
"an astronomer studies the stars
and can plot how to get us to mars;
knows how planets align,
but won't ask for your sign.
being called an astrologer jars.
"
"in aerophilately, rare
vintage stamps are collected with care.
some are red, some are green,
some may feature a queen;
all were meant to be sent via air.
"
"for computing an and, build a gate;
give it inputs a, b (equal weight).
if both inputs are one,
so's the output, else none.
for a nand, it's the opposite state.
"
"if you're thinking your house is a bore,
and owning it feels like a chore,
transfer title to me
(i'm the alienee),
and then you'll be the alienor.
"
"from alchemy he's an abstainer.
his reason he thinks a no-brainer:
if he found alkahest
at the end of his quest,
then where would he find a container?
"
"if you find you must hold an election,
and you need, for the date, a selection,
what's far from the worst
for your choice? april 1st.
all fools' day should cause no objection.
"
"arachne proclaimed, ""i believe
that athena would lose, should she weave
in a contest with me,""
but she didn't foresee
that a goddess is chancy to peeve.
"
"an astrologer looks at the stars
in relation to planets (like mars).
related positions,
or aspect conditions,
let him know who to pick up in bars.
"
"""all hands wear the ship!"" came the shout.
""prepare to change course?go about!
then we'll run out the guns,
show them we are the ones
who will turn this war into a rout.""
"
"dig a hole that's an acre of land
one inch deep: acre-inch, understand.
if then deeper you delve,
'til the depth is times twelve,
that's an acre-foot at your command.
"
"if you're looking for some way to say
""before the first meal of the day,""
though it's not the vernacular,
antejentacular
means what you want to convey.
"
"ajiva is that without pain,
without birth, without pleasure or strain.
motion, rest, time, and space:
these are all without trace
of a soul.  this is plain if you're jain.
"
"as horatio hornblower knelt,
a tap on the shoulder he felt.
the accolade showed him
how much england owed him
because of the blows he had dealt.
"
"of acomia some have a dread
when they could be applauding instead.
i smiled on the day
that my hair fell away;
now there's space to rent ads on my head.
"
"a seed that is placed in the ground
and watered, one day may astound,
for the seed that you sow
has a sprout that will grow
called the acrospire?sunward it's bound.
"
"now jovial and lisp use a gimmick
which fortran and basic both mimic.
like sisal and snobol
and claire, perl, and cobol,
the trick is they're all acronymic.
"
"an accessory mineral's there
in amounts that are tiny and rare.
since it's not what you bore
for in mineral ore:
if it's present or not, you don't care.
"
"take some brussels sprouts ? cabbage-like heads;
with a mandoline, tear them to threads.
cook with filberts and butter
and vinegar. mutter,
""tastes great, but my finger's in shreds.""
"
"to be appetizing, food should taste great,
be well cooked and displayed on the plate,
with aromas enticing,
and just the right spicing ?
and not like that slop i just ate.
"
"after losing his job, in lament he
said, ""agism? i have seen plenty.
'help wanted,' ads say,
'please apply here, today!'
but only for those who look twenty.""
"
"the planet we live on, called earth,
is a gem of incredible worth
because it is wetter
and greener and better
than it was on the day of its birth.
"
"the knight all the maidens adored
wasn't wealthy and couldn't afford
his acutiator's fee,
so he'd bluntly decree
that his pen was more sharp than his sword.
"
"antidesiccant sprayed on a plant
is a shield against dryness to grant
to the roots you expose,
or the leaves on your rose,
extra time; transplant losses are scant.
"
"an armlet's a decorative band
worn somewhere above the right hand,
or for those who are deft,
it's worn over the left
'til the shoulder begins no band's land.
"
"i hope you don't find it too odd
when you see i've no clothes on my bod.
adamitism means
i don't wear any jeans
because i'm going naked for god.
"
"take some bones, add fresh herbs wrapped in cloth,
set to simmer, then skim off the froth.
add some carrots, tomatoes,
leeks, parsley, potatoes,
cook an hour, then strain off the broth.
"
"though angels are rarer today,
the biblical stories portray
them as shining with light
on a dark christmas night.
""praise god, alleluia,"" they say.
"
"on the night before christmas, i brooded
as sweat from my forehead exuded.
my heart felt like lead,
since my husband had said,
""the batteries? none are included.""
"
"batrachivorous diners converse
about breakfasts that sound like a curse.
when you first eat a frog
nice and fresh from the bog,
then your day? it can hardly get worse.
"
"do you have your own personal name?
your anthroponym's your claim to fame.
and if you have a place
in a group, tribe, or race,
its autonym's your name to claim.
"
"abrosia brings me such woe,
so here's something i'm hungry to know:
when i try to stop eating,
the day's never fleeting,
so why's it a ""fast,"" not a ""slow""?
"
"when roasting a pheasant, you bard
so the bird won't turn stringy and hard.
in a chef's book of tips
bacon covers in strips.
watch it closely?don't let it get charred.
"
"though piercing was not yet the thing,
she wanted a place for her bling.
eve plopped down her fee,
but, anomphalous, she
had no navel to show off the ring.
"
"as if joy has been robbed by a thief,
her sadness can find no relief.
though she'll live many years,
they'll be washed by her tears.
anautarchia names such a grief.
"
"in diseases called autoimmune
lurks a process that's inopportune.
cells of white, out of whack,
their own body attack.
i'd rejoice if a cure were found soon.
"
"when you're chatting with hams far away,
a code alphabet may save the day.
if static grows gnarly,
able, baker, and charlie
will help to make clear what you say.
"
"if bullionism's arguments hold,
try importing much less than you've sold.
be careful to measure
your nation's vast treasure:
its wealth is all silver and gold.
"
"a capitonym is a word
changing sense (and at times how it's heard)
when it changes its case,
as in turkey (the place)
versus turkey (the big, stupid bird).
"
"at med school, they're studying health.
the cia's studying stealth.
other classes all clash
with my craving for cash,
so i take chrematistics: on wealth.
"
"this design of a type that's abstract,
with an interface spec that's exact,
keeps the data intact,
nicely sorted or stacked,
if the implementation's not cracked.
"
"the system with ten as its base
is called decimal. but if each space
holds a power of ten square,
that's centesimal, where
it's one hundred that's used in ten's place.
"
"i've given up chocolate for lent.
since ash wednesday, my days have been spent
feeling moony and dreamy,
remembering that creamy
delight with its cocoa-rich scent.
"
"sailing large: wind's abaft of the beam.
sailing by: almost into its stream,
with the wind on the bow.
and this illustrates how
by and large means ""the general scheme.""
"
"i attend to the master with ease,
run the household with great expertise,
and look after the guests,
even those who (such pests!)
call me ""butler"". i'm butleress, please!
"
"aeolian soil is strewn
by the wind; it may heap in a dune.
finer grains are called loess,
and they'll make quite a mess
when blown through your windows in june.
"
"i have no dark sin to confess;
of marriages, i've made no mess;
an adulteress i'm not,
but i flatter a lot:
adulatress, yes, that i'd profess.
"
"the deposit i placed in the bank
caused me trouble because of a prank.
writing, ""give me your money,""
was stupid, not funny.
i wound up in jail, dark and dank.
"
"scheherazade told, in her story,
of thieves flush with gold from their quarry.
ali baba near hovered,
their password discovered,
then forty met endings quite gory.
"
"my friend had a phobia fearful
named anupta-. she called me, all tearful,
""i'll never be wed!""
then she met her beau fred,
and i now get a much diff'rent earful.
"
"when pursuing a goal with avidity,
embark on your quest with rapidity.
when consumed by such greed,
you are eager, indeed,
overcoming your natural timidity.
"
"my kitten is fond of affriction.
it's not, for a cat, an affliction.
if i don't stroke his head,
he will pet me instead.
he's a kitty with scritchin' addiction.
"
"appressed in the book was a rose,
pressed flat in an elegant pose.
but in pages nearby
was a flower less dry,
and the rose's sweet smell suffered woes.
"
"an allophone's one of a set
of the sounds of a phoneme, and yet
the distinction's not heard
as it shifts word to word,
unless through linguistics you sweat.
"
"the ackee is shaped like a pear
and its color is red, but beware:
if unripe, it's not safe.
so, though waiting may chafe,
eat it only when ripe (if you dare).
"
"""is it aerodynamic?"" he wondered,
as the engines revved up and they thundered.
""not much drag, lots of lift?
is it streamlined and swift?""
then it crashed, and he thought, ""guess i blundered.""
"
"i'm a back-office, back-biting guy.
they don't let me see customers. why?
'cause i'm surly and snarky
and thrive on malarkey,
but look busy when bosses walk by.
"
"is that celestine there that i spy?
here's a field test that's fun to apply:
burn some scrapings of dust
and the flame's red as rust,
though the rock is as blue as the sky.
"
"of autapomorphic i speak:
of characteristics unique
to the dna soup
of a similar group
called a taxon (biology's clique).
"
"my home is exquisitely clean,
my kids well-behaved and serene.
i'm attractive and healthy,
successful and wealthy
as i fantasize...hey, i'm a queen!
"
"there are drugs you have heard of by name
with slogans and ads bringing fame.
but my pharmacist, eric,
says, ""try this generic:
equipotent, the dose acts the same.""
"
"facetious is such a great word
meaning ""humorous, funny, absurd.""
but i find it compelling
because of its spelling:
all vowels in their order preferred.
"
"i'm waiting for ""tick"" or for ""tock""
when i glance at the mirror in shock:
broken nose, bloodshot eyes,
no two teeth the same size?
it's my face that is stopping this clock!
"
"all the molecules found in a mole
fill a twenty-two-liter-sized hole.
avogadro's amount
is the name of their count
that gives chemists a sense of control.
"
"enunciate means to speak well.
annunciate means to foretell.
don't speak of ""pronouncing""
when meaning ""announcing,""
and always take care when you spell.
"
"an annulet?  that's a small ring.
but annulate means that a thing
is a doughnut-shaped round,
or with circles is found,
or, in heraldry, blessed by the king.
"
"in a place and a time not so near
when a weapon 'round waist would appear
to be useful to wear
when you swagger and glare,
'twas an anlace that backed up your sneer.
"
"divided by ten? that's a decimal.
divide by ten squared? a centesimal.
and if you keep adding
those zeroes as padding,
you'll end up at infinitesimal.
"
"came two knocks on my door.  i was shocked.
called, ""who's there?"" and was glad it was locked.
heard the answer ""nobel.""
""nobel who? please do tell.""
""no bell. else i wouldn't have knocked!""
"
"every gun in the battery thundered,
as into its range the ship blundered.
through the smoke and debris,
ordered hornblower, ""we
have to strike, even though we'll be plundered.""
"
"what becomes of placentas, post-birth?
it's a way to divide those on earth.
adeciduates deliver
the fetal life-giver,
while contra absorbs all its worth.
"
"if, in lisp, you would like to go far,
remember your cdr and car.
for the head, car is best;
cdr gives you the rest,
so you'll loop and recurse like a star.
"
"callipygous: this word comes to mind
when regarding a well-honed behind.
there's no need to be crass
when you're making your pass:
with this term you will sound more refined.
"
"""i've a word for you, one that i think
teems with meaning,"" i said to my shrink.
""it's a word i will cop
from victorian pop
music: basingstoke,"" said with a wink.
"
"a carrot is food for a bunny.
a caret, in text that looks funny,
adds a word or a space.
see the smile on my face
for the carats i got from my honey.
"
"gather roses whenever you see 'em,
grab your chances and don't ever flee 'em.
enjoy each new day
ere they all pass away:
that's the attitude called carpe diem.
"
"i huff and i puff and i pant
as i slip and i slide on this slant.
this structure is built
with a permanent tilt;
so don't ask me to straighten?i cant.
"
"back and forth on i-495,
it's a struggle just staying alive.
now my get-up-and-go
is pathetically low,
'cause the beltway's sapped all of my drive.
"
"well, the sand on the beach teemed with fleas,
and the tap water carried disease.
and now british honduras
tries fixing its tsouris
by changing its name? oh belize!
"
"we may differ in some ways, i know,
but we're all biauricular, so
that in having two ears,
all of mankind are peers.
(okay, maybe not vincent van gogh.)
"
"well, it's down in my shed, in the rear,
with the rest of my well-drilling gear.
but why all the suspicion
and such inquisition
of where i have bentonite, dear?
"
"what a lovely vacation i planned
to bilbao; it turned out to be grand!
i just boarded a plane
for the north coast of spain
and did nothing but basque in the sand.
"
"if you don't want a swimsuit that's teeny,
you'll be wise not to try a bikini.
even worse is the thong,
which unless i am wrong,
would more aptly be called the betweeni.
"
"well, the landscaping's hardly creative;
little plant life, invasive or native.
even so, the beer garden
is, begging your pardon,
a great place to get vegetative.
"
"in the southwest of france, there it sits:
the exquisite resort biarritz.
by the bay of biscay
women languidly lay
in the sand, showing off their great tans.
"
"guess i'll show all them high-brow elites ?
since it's true that you is what you eats,
then to write verses good
i did just like i should:
spent the week eating well-measured beets.
"
"at the bar i said, ""listen here, 'tender ?
i'm about to embark on a bender.
just keep filling my glass
till i'm drunk off my ass
and i don't know my name, age or gender.""
"
"""i'll abide by your rules,"" he insisted.
""see?  here on this chart they're all listed.
in accord with your wishes,
i'll even do dishes.""
and yet, his poor heart she still twisted.
"
"horatio hornblower's pride
made him try to stay true to his bride.
antipodean summer
would never become her
as well as the girl by his side.
"
"an evergreen tree is coniferous,
the poplar and oak amentiferous.
they bear aments (like tails),
inflorescence with scales,
but their beauty in bloom's not splendiferous.
"
"""cease your haulin' there, mateys! avast!""
so the sailors stop straining, at last.
down the rigging they crawl,
midst the spray of the squall;
life is rough when it's lived 'fore the mast.
"
"holding aqueducts up, a great host
of arches, the romans could boast,
would bring water for friends'
and for countrymen's ends,
'cause the arch beats the lintel and post.
"
"an affirmant is one who is loath
to utter a vow or an oath.
where an oath-taker ""swears""
the affirmant ""declares""
but a lie would still perjure them both.
"
"a duck with no beak would still waddle.
a snail with no shell would still dawdle.
but take off the tail
from the duck or the snail,
and what you have left is acaudal.
"
"an earache, that dark-of-night villain,
is countered by amoxicillin.
make sure you've enough
of this garish pink stuff
and remember this med will need chillin'.
"
"an acrodont lizard named keith
had fangs with no sockets beneath.
they stuck fast in his jaw,
but that wasn't a flaw:
it's the place where these guys keep their teeth.
"
"the author, in stardom delighting,
her autonym placed on her writing.
this use of her name
let her revel in fame
and was pleasant to use in self-citing.
"
"the calligrapher gained his renown
and he turned his whole trade upside down
with a fancy new script
at which somebody quipped,
""seems we've got a new serif in town!""
"
"""an ailurophobe ? ugh,"" my cats purr.
""your new girlfriend is worried our fur
will cause wheezes and hacks
and allergic attacks,
so you shan't cast us persians on her.""
"
"a bouquet for your date may sound swell,
but take care ? certain flowers repel!
if you give her some betony,
man, you won't getony;
roses, however, work well.
"
"when you're writing that letter to ma,
keep it simple ? not too la-di-da.
(if by chance she's bilingual,
the odd foreign thing will
perhaps add some je ne sais quoi.)
"
"at the stadium, fans have to leverage
a loan for the cost of one beverage.
""it's a crime!"" many think ?
then again, i don't drink,
so i'm left with a case of whateverage.
"
"took a charter to france, at great cost;
and my will power quickly was lost.
b?chamel and b?arnaise ?
why, for seven whole days
i spent all of my time getting sauced.
"
"as i rehab this farmhouse, i tire
of the changes it's gonna require.
in the basement i'll keep
all my cattle and sheep,
so my cellar is also my byre.
"
"""bloody nothing"" is what it relates
somewhat rudely, so maybe it grates
on your maiden aunt's ear
in great britain, my dear,
but it means bugger all in the states.
"
"though his lordship thinks parboiling wheat
and removing the bran's quite a feat,
he won't say so to you,
and taboulli's taboo;
bulgur language offends the elite.
"
"i can vaguely remember the apse;
is it part of cathedrals, perhaps?
my old undergrad lectures
about architectures
too frequently turned into naps.
"
"let's discuss the urethra and anus
with a sense of mature everydayness.
for we all drink and eat
and thereafter excrete,
and it's these humble outlets that drain us.
"
"now, an airbrush was like a paint shooter
that would make a nude model look neuter.
it seems quaint to recall,
when considering all
that's explicit these days on computer.
"
"the ailanthus we have to eschew;
take a pass on the alliums too.
amaranth, amaryllis
we shun like they'd kill us ?
they've allergens out the wazoo!
"
"now an arbor, one n, is a lattice,
good for training a vine like clematis.
but ann arbor, two n's,
is in michigan, friends;
i'm assuming you all know where that is.
"
"""hey, i gave you commandments, you clods,
with which allotheism's at odds!
now you're getting me pissed ?
at the top of the list
it says, 'thou shalt not worship strange gods!' ""
"
"said the empress, ""these limericks, i fear,
make me wonder why i persevere.
does this guy write and parse
with his thumb up his arse?
for there's no ars poetica here.""
"
"back in college, my frame i'd abuse
with all-nighters of b.s. or booze,
but those days are long past;
now it's rare that i last
to the end of the ten o'clock news.
"
"the gorilla's an ape, it is true;
and the chimp and orangutan, too.
primatologists hold
(or at least i am told)
that in many regards, so are you.
"
"she had ailurophobia ? that's
an intense fear or hatred of cats.
her acidic aspersions
on both of my persians
caused most of our squabbles and spats.
"
"from the scaffolding ledge bobby slipped,
but with harness and wire was equipped.
dangling high in midair,
he kept cool, didn't swear;
""look at that ? he's aplomb bob!"" we quipped.
"
"if a candidate hopes to do well,
being candid's an urge he must quell.
with his sound bites rehearsed
for the focus groups first,
it's the ""canned""-idate who will excel!
"
"it's cholesterol-free, low in fat,
and i don't have a problem with that.
as tomato puree
i suppose it's okay,
but this catsup tastes nothing like cat.
"
"junior's makeshift garage band employs
lots of amps; it's a helluva noise.
they could rouse aristophanes!
oy, the cacophonies
made by fifteen-year-old boys!
"
"we shared many a tale and a laugh
till we'd emptied our seventh carafe.
now we're feeling chagrined;
you're three sheets to the wind,
and i'm something like twelve and a half.
"
"a canadian gymnast named ray
set the record for cartwheels last may.
he began his maneuver
in midtown vancouver
and ended in newfoundland bay.
"
"getting older, i curse at the ways
that the calendar tricks and betrays.
it's completely infernal
that weeks seem eternal
while years pass more quickly than days.
"
"there's two bumps on an upper-case 'b'
and a bactrian camel, you see.
single-humped dromedary
and 'd' do not vary
this handy mnemonic for me.
"
"the cane, as i'm sure you must know,
is the source of most sugar we grow,
though it's resource-expensive
and labor-intensive.
beet's the alternative, though.
"
"a calligrapher works as a letterer;
for a fanciful script, i can't better her.
so i give her my trade
for these lavishly made
invitations to parties, etcetterer.
"
"the apostles' new band couldn't quite
make flamenco arrangements sound tight
till john 21:6
brought a heavenly fix:
jesus said, ""castanets to the right!""
"
"though my editor always belittles
my insipid and maudlin submittals,
i don't grumble or stew,
for what good would it do?
no one said life was all beer and skittles.
"
"""tr?s bien, monsieur, boeuf cassoulet;
i shall go tell ze chef, s'il vous pla?t.""
off the waiter then sped
to the kitchen and said,
""yo, gus! dogs 'n' beans, right away!""
"
"when it's carnival time in brazil,
they indulge all their urges until
thoughts of lenten abstaining
leave no one complaining ?
come easter, they're hungover still!
"
"we say ""car-bray-tor,"" here in d.c.,
although none of our brit friends agree.
for they add in one letter,
and say ""carburettor"" ?
you know how those blokes love their t.
"
"for pronouncing the m, p, and b,
keep the lips pressed together; it's key.
and you'll find any baby'll
make these bilabial
soundings originally.
"
"in two days in this ward, i've surmised
just how badly the nurse is despised
by the men, just like me,
who make lawn-sprinkler pee,
we're so wretchedly catheterized.
"
"little junior's a finicky kid,
so we keep foods' identities hid
with deception and games
and exotic-type names;
calamari sounds better than squid.
"
"a hot catalan gal named louise
was so powerfully sprung 'twixt her knees
that one carnal convulsion
contained such propulsion
her boyfriend was launched to c?diz.
"
"i host plenty of pooh-bahs and presidents,
laying caviar on without hesitance.
we consume lots of grub,
so upstairs in my tub
i've appointed a sturgeon in residence.
"
"a big fan of baywatch was keith;
he especially loved yasmine bleeth.
""i'm so smitten,"" said he,
""i'd still love her if she
were bidentate, with only two teeth.""
"
"the harvest mite larvae's accusers
shout, ""lay off the alcohol, losers!
john barleycorn's evils
are fitting for weevils,
but chiggers, of course, can't be boozers!""
"
"old beelzebub doesn't think well
of gregorian plainsong. ""it's swell
for the angels,"" he'll sneer,
""but i won't have it here,
so don't ask me ? there's no chants in hell.""
"
"my old zurich pal, gunther devries,
is as perfectly swiss as his cheese.
he is neutral, sedate,
and when in his home state,
he fluently speaks canton-ese.
"
"as his wife can attest, for she's seen,
in the morning, he's cloddish and mean.
he can't open his eyes
and he's surly to rise
till he's had his first dose of caffeine.
"
"heading west from nigeria's din,
i encountered a nation that's thin.
i'm no snob or elitist,
but that was the sweetest
of countries i've ever benin.
"
"among physicists, you're revered greatly;
you could understand concepts innately.
finding beta decay ?
that just blew them away,
but what have you done, fermi, lately?
"
"swapping presents twice yearly, you'll find
you'll biannual get back in kind,
but if every two years
we exchange souvenirs,
then biennial thing; i won't mind!
"
"the anopheles ? not a greek writer,
but mosquito, and quite a fierce biter ?
met my makeshift flyswatta,
cliff's notes lysistrata.
(the irony couldn't be tighter.)
"
"now tattoos have become so pass?
that the hip-looking youth of today
can be seen looking fresh
ornamenting their flesh
with a custom-designed appliqu?.
"
"what's been making the head chef so cross?
his assistant's advanced hearing loss.
he just ruined the veal
adding bessemer steel
when it should have been b?chamel sauce.
"
"this dense, eggy bread is sublime!
marvin gaye said it best in a rhyme:
comfort food's what you choose
to combat urban blues;
it makes me wanna challah sometime!
"
"peggy sue makes a wonderful bride;
so does ann.  (since i couldn't decide,
it just seemed the most fair
that i marry the pair ?
""holy bigamy,"" says i with pride.)
"
"as a yank, i just stared at it dumbly,
admitting my ignorance glumly.
though i've tried a long while,
i just can't reconcile
how to spell and pronounce the name cholmondeley.
"
"it just sings, flits about and looks pretty;
the poor redbird's not deemed wise or witty.
it won't seek higher knowledge
(except for the college
of cardinals in vatican city.)
"
"when the carnival came here last fall,
i paid plenty to enter a stall
where they kept in a crate
a chameleon so great
that i truly saw nothing at all!
"
"found in carrots and most kinds of squash
is the carotene pigment, b'gosh.
so your skin will accrue
an odd orangey hue
if on such foods you frequently nosh.
"
"though it seemed like an apt thing to do,
let our tale be a lesson to you:
we were quite nearly drowned,
for it's folly, we found,
to canoodle while in a canoe.
"
"as they left, marshall earp asked his gal,
""what'cha think of the concert, dear val?""
""the cantatas were fair;
they were lacking in flair.
all in all, just an okay chorale.""
"
"caravansaries don't make the grade
if too little attention is paid
to what travelers need,
so it's useful to heed
all the inns and the outs of the trade.
"
"in west india's mountains, they're idle,
and their anger is near homicidal.
striking shepherds decree,
""no mere goat shearers, we ?
'cashmere separatists' now is our title!""
"
"changes never come easy to me;
i'm a creature of habit, you see.
take today: i awoke
to a house full of smoke ?
i'll get out,  after having my tea.
"
"at the brothel, they think i'm arthritic,
and my skills in the sack, paralytic.
all the hookers in town
have been talking me down,
for it's true: every bawd is a critic.
"
"only seen around sunset or dawn;
other times, we don't know where they've gone ?
this crepuscular habit
is found in the rabbit,
the deer, and my slacker son shawn.
"
"""ah, it's april in paris, miss fay,
and amour's in the air ? oui, c'est vrai!""
""whoa now, hold on there, bucky!
this is paris, kentucky,
and main street's no champs-elys?es.""
"
"even though i've not heard of alumen,
i can tell, with a bit of acumen,
that aluminum sulfate
yields crossbones-and-skull fate ?
the stuff isn't fit for consumin'.
"
"i'm a quiet, teetotaling bird,
and from drinks that are shaken or stirred
i routinely abstain,
but i'll sip some champagne,
although don't tell my wife ? mumm's the word!
"
"the male grads are alumni, you see,
while the females are called alumnae.
but don't just say ""alum""
'less you want to look dumb;
alum's al2(so4)3.
"
"little susie was feeling right chuffed
with her spelling-bee rivals rebuffed.
she was visibly pleased
as she pointed and teased,
""now the rest of you lot can get stuffed.""
"
"i have carpetweed growing in spades;
every inch of the floor it pervades.
it's invasive, indeed,
and runs quickly to seed,
but at least it goes well with the shades!
"
"although nigel's a horrible churl,
he has scant trouble getting a girl.
how's a boor who's so grating
this lucky in dating?
(no mystery there: he's an earl!)
"
"though a hangover's quite a deterrent,
and we'd pledged to be prudent, we weren't.
our resolve rests in peace;
it was drowned in cassis,
washed away by the powerful currant.
"
"""yes, this caviar's great ? even so,
mr. steinbeck, i'm sure you must know
some gets spoiled before packing
or found somehow lacking;
it can't all be cannery roe.""
"
"the bellboy just shrieked, ""i resign!""
as i stood in the checking-in line.
""he's got stuff to work out,""
said the staff, and no doubt
he's got baggage ? but who'll carry mine?
"
"our employer, the airline, just sacked us
for they found we'd been smuggling cactus.
we'd fly phoenix to france
with these plants down our pants ?
i am not recommending the practice!
"
"""let's swap calculus homework,"" said lee,
""for my prof is like simon legree!
i'll do yours; you do mine!""
i said, ""thanks, but i'm fine;
no derivatives trading for me!""
"
"i awoke from a horrible bender,
and my tongue was all bloody and tender.
crushing daiquiri ice,
i forgot the advice
not to drink till i'd turned off the blender.
"
"a caldera's a giant-sized bowl,
a pacific lagoon or a shoal
that was born in the past
by some great magma blast
that had taken one hell of atoll.
"
"there's no cabbage that's able to draw,
run a business, or practice at law.
though, unless i'm mistook,
they can write a good book ?
see maeve kimchee or george bernard slaw.
"
"there's a vegan who lives in bohemia
with a butternut-squash-based bulimia.
as he empties each porringer,
look ? he turns oranger!
seems he's got carotenemia!
"
"my girlfriend's home cooking, no doubt,
ain't the stuff to write verses about.
now she plans cacciatore
for sparking amore?
perhaps i'll just caccia bite out.
"
"an extravagant clotheshorse named carol
was so snooty about her apparel,
all her friends used to joke
that she couldn't go broke
till she found an yves saint laurent barrel.
"
"saying ""angiosperm,"" you have stated
of a plant, where its seeds are located.
i should add, all the same,
it recalls the nickname
of a girl whom i formerly dated.
"
"andalusite, it isn't no jive
that for you i have taken a dive.
there's no ifs, ands, ore buts ?
i've completely gone nuts
for your al2sio5!
"
"what an algebra wizard was dex;
he had no trouble solving for x.
his astute calculations
were, alas, sublimations
for a sheer and complete lack of sex.
"
"now an area isn't 3-d;
it's just length times the width, don't you see.
but an aria's better ?
just changing one letter
gives volume ? but too much for me!
"
"on vacation, he wrote from manila:
""i don't care for this place one scintilla.
i detest the cuisine,
and the whole philippine
archipelago i've had my filla.""
"
"it's in vain that the teenagers try
all their algebra skills to apply.
though they can, on occasions,
solve x in equations,
they still haven't figured out y.
"
"these are mighty tough times for the peerage,
with so many so deep in arrearage.
many barons and dukes
have discovered ? gadzooks! ?
that they now have to travel in steerage.
"
"said the unfunny hack from fort totten
of his limericks, ""true, they are rotten.
i had one that would please ya
concerning amnesia,
whose punch line, alas, i've forgotten.""
"
"the arctangent's a function from trig
with a fanciful s-curve, not big.
i could further expound,
but most folks, i have found,
for this subject could not give a fig.
"
"an advantage to baldness, i note,
is my dandruff concerns are remote.
now my scalp has no flakes,
and it shines ? all it takes
is a clear polyurethane coat!
"
"do you like sailing getaways lots?
adriatic resorts and sleek yachts?
visit coastal croatia ?
the province dalmatia
has always been known for its spots!
"
"at the plant sale, i chatted up hope:
""when pronouncing this flower, i grope ?
is it 'doll-ya' or 'dally-a'?
enlighten me, shall ya?""
said she, ""that's a daisy, you dope.""
"
"at the dais, i'm starting to shake;
all the audience knows i'm a fake.
i arrived unprepared,
plus i'm naked and scared ?
and what's worst is, this time i'm awake!
"
"the daimler's luxurious feel
and the rest of its ritzy appeal
are diminished, alas,
when its tankful of gas
is worth more than the automobile!
"
"benin has gone into decline;
as dahomey, it used to be fine,
but since changing its name,
it just ain't been the same ?
so we can't say the new name's benign.
"
"when sumerian court was in session,
the recorders had quite a profession:
the cuneiform way
was a true feat of clay,
and the scribes made a lasting impression.
"
"my fish oil concentrate pills
will supposedly ward off some ills,
but the compound is much
too intense, and to such
a degree i've begun to grow gills!
"
"on the do-it-yourself show, in?z
gives upholstering tips (so she says).
the director then yells,
""hey, the cameraman dwells
on the sofa ? let's cut to the chaise!""
"
"""how'd the fishing trip go?"" we asked pappy,
when he came home exhausted but happy.
his reply was laconic,
not oxymoronic:
""just perfect ? all day it was crappie!""
"
"at rehearsals, they say i'm bad news.
i'm so nervous i shake in my shoes,
always taking a leak,
or forgetting to speak ?
i'm not minding my pees and my cues!
"
"though he posed as refined, old mcnabb
was unlettered and boorish and drab.
no more culture had he
than the kind you might see
in a gelatin dish in the lab.
"
"a curry is indian chow,
mixing veggies and spices somehow.
it also, of course, is
a brush to clean horses ?
so which am i eating right now?
"
"i should write a poetic parnassus
over marcus licinius crassus.
he was clearly, no jest,
the triumvirate's best
while those other two sat on their assus.
"
"here's my crossword routine every day:
take the times to my local caf?,
fill some clues, try a guess,
make a horrible mess,
and then swear and just throw it away.
"
"if you need to crack into your dome,
what you'll want is a craniotome.
if it's clean and not dull,
it will open your skull ?
although, really, don't try this at home!
"
"""she's a talentless hack,"" said the editor,
""but i lent her ten grand; i'm a creditor.
and she can't pay me back
if i give her the sack ?
though she stinks, i can't get too upseditor!""
"
"out in northam, a suburb of perth,
ed will never know hunger or dearth,
for a fortune he's made
in the creamery trade,
and he milks it for all that it's worth.
"
"my apartment is nothing like spacious,
and the creosote bush smells hellacious,
but i keep it around
for i just love the sound
when i mention it's zygophyllaceous.
"
"having just been to venice's lido,
i've adopted this beach-goer's credo:
if you're fat, smelly, pale,
and get called a beached whale,
then you've no business wearing a speedo.
"
"at our big flea convention, one goal
was to have us all answer this poll:
""which critter are you on?""
i said, ""genus cuon ?
i'm happy with life on the dhole.""
"
"of all of the heartaches in life,
being cuckolded cuts like a knife.
for the joke will fall flat
with a punchline of, ""that
was no lady, bub, that was your wife!""
"
"getting canned in my firm's realignment
and with no other skills or refinement,
i work digging ditches ?
not publicly, which is
to say i'm on culvert assignment.
"
"she's a daredevil driver, is grace,
with behavior that's way out of place.
her stunt involves cruising
the highway, not using
a cell phone or doing her face!
"
"i had never made jellies, you know,
but a bushel of damson and sloe
was too good to pass by,
so i gave it a try ?
the result was plum terrible, though.
"
"the most ominous word ever spoken
is daybreak ? and no, i'm not jokin.'
so it's not just bad luck
that each day has to suck;
they're all broken before i've awoken!
"
"folks in kansas, right down to their toes,
are the staunchest darwinian foes,
and they're firmly resolved
people never evolved.
(if you've ever seen kansas, it shows!)
"
"michelangelo's david, we're told,
is a fabulous form to behold.
i'll admit to this crowd
that he's poorly endowed,
but come on, that museum is cold!
"
"when elaine sets her mind on a dalliance,
she jumps in with no shilly-shalliance.
she's had assignations
with frenchmen, croatians,
an aussie and several italliance.
"
"in a car, on the dashboard, it shows
r.p.m., and we surely need those
in d.c. ? for indeed,
more important than speed
is one's spin control, everyone knows!
"
"the dardanelles links with the bosporus
to make many shipping lines prosperous.
if a seaworthy liner
can pass asia minor,
then overland routes are preposperous.
"
"should we say ""data are"" or they ""is""?
i don't know the grammarian biz;
i just know for a fact
since my passwords were hacked
someone else is now calling mine his!
"
"mister jones is the daydreaming sort;
his attention span's woefully short.
so i'm sure i'll regret
my decision to let
this buffoon represent me in court!
"
"when our shanties collapse, we're perplexed;
meager building techniques leave us vexed.
but with daub we can master
a simple mud plaster ?
now wattle they introduce next!
"
"the dateline id's where one's been
when reporting the copy sent in.
mr. doyle, just today,
sent from sydney, green bay,
yokohama, la paz and berlin!
"
"as a sport, i say darts has no peer,
and the reason is patently clear:
any out-of-shape yokel
can play at his local,
and never once put down his beer!
"
"hey, prof, if you think you're so bright,
then explain to me dark matter's plight:
the most prevalent stuff
that there is, true enough ?
so why's it just show up at night?
"
"my co-worker linda was svelte;
we'd share tea every day and i'd melt.
i recall her revealing
she's fond of darjeeling ?
but alas, we two never darjelt.
"
"i'm intrepid ? i chuckle at danger;
to whims of mischance i'm no stranger.
but for twenty more years
i'll have genuine fears
from my choice of this mortgage arranger.
"
"he's a dandy, a clotheshorse, a fop ?
his apparel is over the top.
with his spats and tuxedo
my great-uncle vito
looks strange in his fishmonger's shop.
"
"there's a couple who hailed from albania
with the worst case of bibliomania.
these antiquities crooks
stole three thousand rare books ?
something just wasn't right in their crania.
"
"if you love seeing sunset's last gleams
on the northern atlantic, it seems
the appropriate region
is someplace norwegian
like bergen, the place of fjord dreams.
"
"if it's guilty delights you are seeking,
but you fret about scandals and leaking,
hop a plane to beijing
where discretion's their thing ?
for whatever you do, they're not peking!
"
"""we can't introduce billfish in streams;
they're unable to prosper, it seems.
it just makes us morose
when we think we've come close
but no see gar,"" say e.p.a. teams.
"
"""a bipartisan limerick,"" i said,
""can't be done here, so don't be misled.
for your work to be seen,
it has got to be clean ?
if it's blue, it'll never get red.""
"
"for a bing i will jump through a hoop,
and for bigarreau let out a whoop.
these two kinds of cherry
will make me feel merry
whenever my spirits would drupe.
"
"you would have to be terribly boorish
to begrudge the alhambra its flourish.
overdone?  heavens, no!
even mies van der rohe
would not try to contend ""less is moorish.""
"
"while i used to give freely for alms,
i admit i've been having some qualms
since each outlay of bucks
brings an influx of schmucks
who are mooching and holding out palms.
"
"now regarding the apricot, troops,
it belongs to the family of drupes.
so like plum, peach, and cherry,
a binge would have very
unwelcome effects on your poops.
"
"when discussing cathedrals, you chaps
would do well to remember the apse.
it's the jutting-out bit
where the altar would sit
to stay safe, should a buttress collapse.
"
"amelanchier's a wonderful shrub,
but don't plant one ? i'm telling you, bub,
the juneberry's so sweet
to the birds, that they'll eat
every tender shoot down to a nub.
"
"if your mom's brother robert feels breezy
about snorkeling up the zambezi,
then it's clear he'll succeed;
it's a cinch! for indeed,
bob's your uncle ? the job is dead easy!
"
"when poor fido is ""no longer here,""
we use words that are soft but less clear.
we may say he's ""passed on,""
or ""put down"" or just ""gone"" ?
see, we've had the dog euphemized, dear.
"
"""equatorial guinea,"" said june,
""is quite small, and abuts cameroon.
i should ask usair
how my luggage got there
when i flew from detroit to canc?n.""
"
"say you're eating some veal cacciatore:
the esophagus (not to be gory)
is the pipe from the mouth
that conducts the food south ?
and, in digest form, that's the whole story.
"
"exhibitionist mr. van lear
has been told to quit flashing 'round here,
which has left him nonplussed,
and he's asked, ""can't i just
stick it out till the end of the year?""
"
"""carpet beetle and buffalo bug
are the same!"" i tell dumb uncle doug.
but he wanted a home
where the buffalo roam,
so dermestids infested his rug!
"
"evolution is how we progress
to achieve our genetic success.
there are backsliders, though
(like my daughter's new beau),
who must still prefer apehood, i guess.
"
"eucalyptus leaves aren't nutritious,
and as brain food they're hardly propitious.
the koala, because he
is stubborn and aussie,
will nevertheless say, ""delicious!""
"
"our executor isn't so great
at resolving aunt edna's estate.
so inept is this bloke
that his motto, we joke,
should be, ""where there's a will, there's a wait.""
"
"post-jurassic, in ""miocene park,""
fearsome mammals called creodonts bark.
and the strangest of these
is sarkastodon ? he's
apt to kill with a biting remark.
"
"as a teen, he was sort of a stoner;
even now, he's a taciturn loner,
so then why nickname mel
as ""the toastmaster""? well,
he's the town crematorium's owner.
"
"i bought dill from the snowy ukraine,
and some saffron from sun-blistered spain,
but they're quite an expense;
now i haven't the cents
for the cumin from outer lorraine.
"
"the most pitiful creature on earth
is a cynic, who never knows mirth.
he can quote in a trice
any article's price,
but is clueless to tell you its worth.
"
"mr. wordsworth, i'm honestly wowed
by your manuscript; you should be proud!
it's spectacular ? only,
i wandered as lonely
as ""cumulonimbus""? try ""cloud""!
"
"we were hosted in cymru by luke,
who recounted once decking a duke.
but the thing is, most tales
are much longer in wales,
so i'm figuring that was a fluke.
"
"the culchies are bumpkins or boors;
they get dirty from working outdoors,
and yet, even in dublin
they're found with no trublin
the best families, sir ? even yours!
"
"it's hard work on a collier, god knows,
for the culm quickly blackens our clothes.
so we're not being lewd
if we work in the nude;
for a coal porter, anything goes!
"
"a cummerbund goes round the waist,
and the wrists are where cufflinks are placed.
if a man's a good dresser, he's
got these accessories ?
still, that's no proof he's got taste.
"
"if you're famished around gretna green,
you'll eat cheap on the local cuisine.
try whatever they've got,
and you'll soon find you're not
all that hungry ? you know what i mean?
"
"the adda is one type of skink.
it's a lizard more reddish than pink.
in old stories surreal
it had power to heal
dread diseases as quick as a wink.
"
"the linguist was filled with frustration
while trying to give a narration
for each consonant stop
got an extra air pop
which is what he would call affrication.
"
"four stomachs in ruminants run
digestion:  the rumen is one,
reticulum, two,
omasum into
abomasum, then eating is done.
"
"powdered cocoa: one scoop, sugar three,
one of water; then whisk till you see
that it's smoother than silk.
stir in pre-heated milk.
hot cocoa's much nicer than tea.
"
"an archer, when shooting a doe,
found his arrows surprisingly slow.
his bowstring was strong,
it was light, it was long,
but it wasn't attached to the bow.
"
"abiogenist designates one
claiming life is from nothing begun
in bad meat or foul hay,
but he won't get his way:
omne vivum e vivo, my son.
"
"an abluent, please keep in mind,
cleans a residue that's left behind.
it's familiar, i hope,
as detergent, or soap.
(from the latin abluens, you'll find.)
"
"to anthologize, take a selection
of works in a library section,
put them all in one book,
print it up, take a look:
it's your new belletristic confection.
"
"don't anthropomorphize pcs.
don't say that they're mad when they freeze.
don't pretend they're alive
and can think, feel, and strive.
they hate that, so give it up, please.
"
"i make all my cookies from scratch
with a flavor that store-bought can't match:
they are moist and delicious!
my family wishes
each day that i'd bake a new batch.
"
"an mba (top of his class!)
had a scheme for great wealth to amass.
but he's not worth a plug
since a flesh-eating bug
turned his person and plans into frass.
"
"angora's a cat, goat, or rabbit
with hair long and silky of habit,
or the yarn made of such.
(so luxurious to touch!)
but it's so darned expensive, dagnabbit!
"
"aberration: behavior or trait
that strays from the narrow and straight.
it's something that's odd,
such as fur on a cod:
a less than acceptable state.
"
"a botanist from the mojave
grew yucca and scads of agave.
his need was quite urgent
for white-wine detergent
produced from amole and soave.
"
"anathema's something accursed,
and pronounced absolutely the worst.
it is truly no fun
if to you it's been done
by canonical rite, well-rehearsed.
"
"a languorous fellow named phil,
by a doctor was given a pill
which produced a proclivity
to frenzied activity
in listless folk lacking the will.
"
"antique may mean ""old,"" it is true,
connoting a value that grew.
though a compliment when
it's applied to a gem,
it's an insult for me or for you.
"
"a virtuous dame on a tour
prattled on about helping the poor.
she admitted to qualms,
when dispensing her alms,
because some of the homeless weren't pure!
"
"though cold winter weather will chill us,
the lack of a garden won't kill us.
we can still grow a bloom
in a well-heated room:
a gorgeous bright red amaryllis.
"
"a spy on a top secret mission,
flew into a weather condition
that made his plane drop
and his stomach go ""plop,""
when an air pocket changed his position.
"
"a ditty is typically jaunty,
while a dirge is all somber and haunty.
so which mood you project
hangs on what you'll collect
on the death of your wealthy old auntie!
"
"mixing cyanide, lye and dioxin,
you can make the world's second-worst toxin.
(if you're looking to go
for the ultimate, throw
all my teenager's sneakers and socks in.)
"
"at the fruit grove, the farmers split hairs
over when to best harvest their pears,
have their cherry trees sprayed
against bugs that invade,
or the impact of currant affairs.
"
"as a runoff-filled lake, it was bland,
but with dry season on us, it's grand.
get your wellies on, bud ?
let's get covered in mud!
don't be dandyish; tramp through the dhandh!
"
"we thought we had found a good deal,
for these sandalwood scents seemed a steal.
but this stuff is just rot;
we're incensed, and we're not;
we were duped, 'cause this dhoop isn't real!
"
"oh, our sweet cockney neighbor miss carter
thought that sex for love made a good barter.
or that's what we inferred
every night as we heard
her beseeching aloud, ""ardor! ardor!""
"
"she has dacryorrhea ? she's weepy.
it's a side effect, nothing too creepy.
though it's far from routine,
it is commonly seen
in those married to one beary, b. p.
"
"it transpired that, all through the land,
every manner of swearing was banned.
so the worst thing exclaimed
was a ""dang,"" a ""dad-blamed,""
or a ""darn,"" after cussers' last stand.
"
"it read, ""i consent to be bored,
condescended to, mocked or ignored.""
said she, ""don't be mad if i
choose not to ratify
this as our datin' accord.""
"
"d'artagnan loved wine and good brandy;
with musket and sword he was handy.
but the other three gents
couldn't stand the guy; hence
he got dropped when they licensed the candy.
"
"i thought a tattoo might be fun.
i considered where i'd have it done
(on my shoulder or knee?
should i get two or three?),
then advisedly chose to have none.
"
"an overly skinny girl, kate,
was dismayed when her ""monthly"" was late,
'cause of amenorrhea,
when menses says, ""see ya!
i'll be back when you've put on some weight!""
"
"a word of accord...""it is so!""
a shout of approval...""you go!""
in a church...""we agree!""
in a prayer...""it will be!""
amen's always ""yes,"" never ""no.""
"
"the staff meeting barely had started,
when the boss appeared, very down-hearted.
he said that the docket
had slipped from his pocket;
agendaless, staffers departed.
"
"my favorite show has an airtime
coinciding with washing-my-hair time.
with tow'l on my head...
a tv by my bed...
i enjoy goofing off in my spare time.
"
"a fed-up employee named bill
phoned his boss to announce he was ill.
but his boss wouldn't bite:
""sick of work"" was not quite
a true ailment requiring a pill.
"
"ananias: new testament chap
who, when caught in a lie, took the rap.
he said he had given
his substance and livin'
to the poor. god knew better, and ""zap!""
"
"my mom had a penchant linguistic,
for short witty maxims simplistic.
she'd serve up a sermon
in tones like ms. merman,
in one single phrase aphoristic.
"
"a bug from a hive (just a li'l bee),
isn't tired at first, but she will be,
as she flits to and fro
with the breezes that blow
'til she stops on a soft pink astilbe.
"
"as objects from previous times,
antiques have a value that climbs
'til they grow so expensive
that buyers turn pensive
while counting their nickels and dimes.
"
"a blessing is something worthwhile,
like a figure that's always in style.
but a bane is a curse
(like a spouse who's perverse)
and evokes the reverse of a smile.
"
"you'll seldom in politics find
a person of ethical mind,
who says what he feels,
won't be bought or make deals,
who's agendaless: no ax to grind.
"
"when skinny lenore pirouettes,
the audience always lays bets
on how long she can twirl
with her tutu a-swirl,
while she's puffing on two cigarettes.
"
"our air's an invisible mix
of some gasses we breathe at least six
(more like twelve!) times a minute.
there's oxygen in it,
without which we'd be in a fix!
"
"""an air mattress, surely,"" said kate,
""is a must when you're out on a date.
but it takes lots of huffing
and plenty of puffing
to make it completely inflate.""
"
"i'm a lutheran. well . . . i attend!
the doctrines i may comprehend.
but if ever i doubt
what our faith is about,
the apostles' creed sure is my friend.
"
"my t-shirts and blue jeans get thrown
in the dryer, where hot air is blown.
but my sweaters are laid out
with sleeves fluffed and splayed out
to air-dry at room temp alone.
"
"the honeymoon trip was just right.
we drank wine and made love until light.
then an afterthought came?
that it sure was a shame
that my bride wasn't with us that night.
"
"my shiny red trike hit a tree
(which was bad, both for it and for me).
but my mom had no qualm?
'twas a coconut palm?
from its oil she made balm for my knee.
"
"i served the ball much too athletically.
my partner then cried out pathetically.
i was sorry to see
that my ball hit his knee,
so i bandaged him apologetically.
"
"my aunt, mrs. emmeline garret,
had a red-headed amazon parrot.
its language was blue
but she knew what to do:
add an onion, potato, and carrot.
"
"brother john! are you snoring so deep
'neath your blankets all piled in a heap?
you're a slugabed, sir!
shake a leg now?bestir
yourself! what? have you died in your sleep?
"
"a perverse and cantankerous old coot,
was my pa, way out west there in butte.
said my ma with chagrin,
""what i'm fer...he's agin!
and so i'm anti-him, the ol' poot!""
"
"agribusinessman?he'll make a pile!
and his job is secure for a while
(what with harvest equipment,
the processing, shipment...)
'cause food never goes out of style.
"
"it's a word we don't say during lent,
when for forty long days we repent
all our sins of commission
and suffer contrition.
it's reserved ? for that easter event.
"
"in an old-timey song of renown,
we hear tell of an ""alice blue gown"".
'twas a delicate hue
of a soft, silv'ry blue;
at least, when 'twas new . . . now it's brown.
"
"a big air conditioner's roar
makes listening to music a chore.
though a breeze hits the spot
when the temp is too hot,
the darn noise is too loud to ignore.
"
"some finns and norwegians and swedes
found astoria suited their needs.
it was lush, green, and hilly
(though rainy and chilly)
and they prospered and flourished like weeds.
"
"all ye who would enter this place
must anapest meter embrace.
if you do, you're a poet.
wear this badge?proudly show it.
""oedilfer"", it says?""mental case"".
"
"godiva sat tall on her mare
as she rode through the streets on a dare.
she'd no shift or chemise,
her hair flew in the breeze,
but the lady, herself, was all there!
"
"for our annual banquet, marie
had said, ""leave all the details to me.""
the musicians, the meal,
it was all a done deal;
our event was a f?te accompli!
"
"buying tickets for catching a train
to dnipropetrovsk is no strain.
don't get tongue-tied, or freeze,
just say, ""ticket me, please,
for the third-largest town in ukraine.""
"
"being dolichocephalous, gene
had a very long, narrow-shaped bean.
such cylindrical form
for one's head ain't the norm;
still, to nickname him ""stovepipe"" was mean.
"
"'twas as fierce as the permians came,
with two sizes of teeth (hence the name),
although not a true dino,
but damn me if i know
the reason ? this stuff's not my game!
"
"he'll admit that my plum is a beaut,
and my peaches and cherries, to boot.
but they'll win me no prizes,
for this judge surmises
that drupes are all low-hanging fruit.
"
"i'm a cumbia fan through and through,
but from mexico down to peru
the musicians implore,
""do sit down, por favor;
for your dancing's a fright."" (and it's true.)
"
"bill gladstone and benny disraeli
would bicker in parliament daily.
""we'll suffer no more o' ya!""
roared queen victoria.
""thwack!"" went the royal shillelagh.
"
"mary ellen was cute, but not clever,
and was wooed by her plumber, named trevor.
she'd put forks down the grinder
and trev would remind her,
""i'm at your disposal, as ever.""
"
"every candle and lamp is ablaze
for a festival lasting five days.
so for most of a week,
jain and hindu and sikh
know diwali is sure to amaze.
"
"""first the bar near my office,"" says dwight,
""then my local is where i'll alight.""
diarticular tension
he calls this convention:
he's tight in two joints every night.
"
"my honey's a week overdue
and the baby's about to debut.
so i'm anxiously pacing.
my heartbeat is racing.
as a parent, i haven't a clue!
"
"a landing strip, three thousand feet,
is more grand than your average street.
with a building or three,
it's an airport, you see.
get on board! stow your bag! take a seat!
"
"for warfare conducted on land,
you've munitions and outposts well-manned.
to attack from above
(when your push comes to shove)
you will need a good air force at hand.
"
"as i stroll through my garden alone,
i'm surprised how the summer has flown.
i am caught off my guard
by the state of my yard...
every rosebud has blossomed and blown.
"
"an address is important, my dear,
to find out who is who and who's near.
you are reached without stress
by an e-mail address,
but by snail mail it might take a year.
"
"the columbia river runs straight
'long the border of oregon state.
five or six of its miles
hold seven damp isles,
each called, individually, ait.
"
"our piano was hit by a twister,
more commonly known as my sister.
but while we all trembled,
she got it assembled.
mom uttered a sigh, and then kissed her.
"
"turning left 'round the elm by the dike,
i hit the big spruce with my bike.
lost both wheels plus one fender
(must order from vendor).
now i'm riding on junior's old trike.
"
"old mcgrudy's a grumpy curmudgeon.
his kin he is constantly judgin'.
he even said ""bah!""
to his sweet-tempered ma,
which accounts for her high state of dudgeon.
"
"the 6 a.m. buzz of the clock
hit my head with the force of a rock.
my heart sped a fraction,
my feet sought for traction?
'twas fight-or-flight action from shock.
"
"in the land where the feet of christ trod
dwelt st. anne, whom we honor and laud
as the mother of mary.
her burden to carry?
being known as the grandma of god.
"
"the bag-boy assists the cashier
at the check-out to bag up your cheer,
frozen corn, new potatoes,
tp, stewed tomatoes?
and wonder bread under the beer.
"
"there once was an ice hockey goalie
who kept as a pet an anole.
the goalie was johnson
(that's john) from wisconsin.
his chameleon's name was just ""ole"".
"
"it's done! i am truly relieved.
the idea that i had conceived
has come to fruition.
that's one more ambition
i'm proud to have finally achieved.
"
"my seventh-grade teacher, miss erb,
said that math problems shouldn't perturb.
add a list of amounts,
then divide by the counts.
that is average, when used as a verb.
"
"my attentive new husband dewayne
is beside me through sunshine and rain.
but now i'm confessing
i find it distressing;
such closeness is blessing and bane.
"
"yes, i rode junior's bike?hit a boulder.
i banged up my shins and my shoulder.
now homeward i hirple,
my bruises all purple.
i guess i'm not wiser?just older!
"
"i thought i should try to convey
in five lines (without seeming outr?)
just how much i enjoy
(like some kid with his toy)
writing limericks without using eigh.
"
"my employer's overt incivility
amounts to abusive hostility.
i would so like to clout
the old buzzard, but doubt,
on reflection, its advisability.
"
"on the waves our ship tossed, lightly laded.
but once africa's coastlands were raided,
the weight was increased
and our sea-sickness ceased?
with the ballast of slaves to be traded.
"
"don't come over...i'm just not prepared!
i have seventeen cats and i'm scared
to confess, with chagrin,
that i can't let you in
till the house has been thoroughly aired.
"
"it's a game for the elderly set
or an over-used name for a pet
or a term heard in scrabble.
but yelled by the rabble
it's yes! now you have it! you bet!
"
"there's an old russian witch, baba yaga,
whose tale is a spine-chilling saga.
her hair's made of wire,
and her glare burns like fire,
and her hide's tough and brown as a nauga.
"
"said a burned-out exec named mcgee,
""to a high alpine meadow i'll flee!""
he found solace and balm
on that beautiful alm,
but no place to plug in his tv.
"
"a sweet apple pie with molasses?
ambrosia, beloved by the masses.
so it is when miss gowdy
makes apple pandowdy
for kids in her cookery classes.
"
"of all the lord's works, not the least
is the camel, a marvelous beast.
he's no beauty, it's true?
he has humps (one or two).
i think god may have used too much yeast.
"
"the chauffeur for carlos ""the clamp""
was a minor-league crook known as ""scamp"".
but he ogled clamp's chick?
got a major-league crick
aptly called an accessory cramp.
"
"for the bounty bestowed by our maker
and the skills of the cook and the baker,
we give thanks here today
and with gratitude pray:
may god bless every giver and taker.
"
"by bosses they're frequently prized,
though by colleagues they're often despised?
those sly apple-polishers,
hard work abolishers,
suck-ups, as workers disguised.
"
"as an animal lover i've found
that, where fleas and their offspring abound,
one thing cures my frustration:
complete annihilation
by flea poison sprayed all around.
"
"he believes scented hair oil is chic,
so he slathers it on to look sleek.
he's a brilliantine junkie;
his aura is funky.
at best, i would call him ""unique"".
"
"after singing a bach arioso,
she insisted her solo was so-so.
she was less than a star?
had a cold with catarrh,
and her nose was stuffed up molto grosso.
"
"it's a creature not monkey?not me;
something more than those chimps?less than we.
sort of halfway between
a gorilla and teen?
that's your mythical ape-man, you see.
"
"when it's wintertime out in nebraska,
or it's slick on the ice of itaska,
mom said we should use?
what's the word for those shoes
made of rubber? don't know, but alaska.
"
"a violin maker of fame,
amati was heard to exclaim,
""violins made by strad
(an intelligent lad!)
may someday put my work to shame.""
"
"my maw and my paw were emphatic:
our kinfolk were ""a-ristocratic"".
but if paw's aunty sadie
was ""duchess"" or ""lady"",
then elephants fly in my attic!
"
"some churches give converts a dip.
it's a practice that i'd rather skip.
though i may be god's daughter,
i'm scared of the water;
i'd rather be baptized by drip.
"
"the deli proprietor, lou,
soundly bludgeoned the thief black and blue.
he attacked as one crazed?
i was really amazed
what a frozen salami can do!
"
"this advice comes from old farmer arden:
put a top-dressing over your garden.
summer sun ever hotter
depletes precious water;
spread bark mulch so soil won't harden.
"
"the authorized spelling for me,
an american, uses a zee.
but since brits use instead
a plain ess, not a zed,
we must authorize ""authorise"", see?
"
"for an eagle who's crowned all in white
we may use the term bald?and quite right.
or a mountain that's bare
can be bald?trees are rare.
but to men losing hair, it's a blight!
"
"said a book on a subject arcane:
""shrimp exist in abysmal deep pain.""
""oh, poor babies!"" i said,
but then saw i'd misread...
it was: ""in the abyssal (deep) plain.""
"
"lenore may be skinny, it's true.
her ballet shoe, though? size 22!
when her partner's offstage,
still her act's all the rage
'cause she dances her own pas de deux.
"
"a moose is a big kind of deer.
his antlers grow way out to here.
they drop off in late fall
when he's answered love's call.
he's depressed for the rest of the year.
"
"amerigo caused quite a flap
when his math skills uncovered a gap.
he said with a laugh,
""chris missed china by half!""
and so got his own name on the map.
"
"her dress and demeanor are easy,
but today it was just downright sleazy.
her tunic, half-tucked
(asymmetrically rucked),
was bloused 'round her hips free and breezy.
"
"i'm a dyed-in-the-wool allotheist,
and i'm not like your typical deist?
i worship my nose!
and, as one might suppose,
i'm its lone devotee and its pri-est.
"
"aceldama: drenched by war's flood?
a burial ground deep in mud.
the money was dirty
(coins numbering thirty)
that paid for this grim ""field of blood"".
"
"young rob tends equipment for hours,
till the ball team goes back to the showers.
he's a wonder, this robin,
but fans won't be mobbin'
him?bat boys have no super powers.
"
"flirty flappers from maine to manhattan
wore bras not to lift, but to flatten.
elasticized bands
constricted those glands;
i'm so glad mine have cups made of satin.
"
"a dancer called skinny lenore
wore bracelets and bangles galore.
pirouettes death-defying
sent anklets a-flying
and skittering out through the door.
"
"my son's called ""amplexicaul clem""
'cause he constantly clings to my hem,
and then twines his legs 'round
'til my ankles are bound?
like a leaf that encircles its stem.
"
"i asked him to please go away.
he swaggered and said he would stay.
at my second request,
he complied (acquiesced)
while a cattle prod held him at bay.
"
"the ad called it ""airy and light,
with views of the city at night.""
three bedrooms, one bath,
but the walls were just lath.
it was certainly airy, all right!
"
"my farmhorse, a friesian named fred,
wears blinkers to focus ahead.
but he lost one last night;
now he pulls to the right
and is plowing in circles instead.
"
"my friend is curvaceous and svelte,
and her eyes make men stammer and melt.
though i'm skinny and angular?
strictly rectangular?
i floor them, too...i'm black belt!
"
"miss marian anderson?star,
denied venue by (white) dar,
gained abe lincoln as host;
she was heard coast to coast
and her singing thrilled all, near and far.
"
"dr. atkins espoused a new diet
so popular thousands would try it.
carbohydrates? no way!
and yet fats are ok.
as for me, i still say i don't buy it.
"
"it's aspic, a gelatin dish
made of veggies or meat stock or fish.
it's too wiggly to grasp,
like its namesake, the asp.
uh . . . no thanks, i'll just have a knish.
"
"""attagirl!"" we all said, when she made
head coach (in girls' soccer?twelfth grade).
but we'll be even gladder
when steps up the ladder
include (like the men) getting paid!
"
"if your stand-up routine's lacking zing,
say your punchline, then add ""bada-bing!""
still no sound in the room?
you can add ""bada-boom!""
'cause most likely this gig's not your thing.
"
"you could call a computer geek nerd-brain,
or a comical wit, an absurd-brain;
but your raven and crow
are so smart, don't you know?
just say ""thanks"" when some clown calls you birdbrain.
"
"if a chemical peel's called a beautifier,
then a bow in your hair is a cutifier.
and i guess when you're loud
and obscene in a crowd,
my hand on your mouth is a mutifier.
"
"banana slugs ate my new fern.
i sputtered some ""dangs"" and a ""durn.""
under mulch they lurk smugly?
ten inches of ugly.
salt shaker in hand...it's my turn!
"
"my mom used to tell me: ""good night!
sleep tight?hope the bedbugs don't bite.""
if i'd known, as i rested,
my blood they digested,
i'd never have slept?not a mite!
"
"my yard is a nice place for rambles
if you're someone who likes taking gambles.
if a shoelace should catch
in the blackberry patch,
you could end upside-down in the brambles.
"
"anomia fills me with dread.
i forget simple nouns such as bed,
and piano and paper,
and bell, book, and taper,
and that thing on the top of my neck.
"
"his social skills ain't up to snuff.
his grammar and language is rough.
he's cranky an' crude.
he's abrupt, curt, an' rude.
but he's mine, praise the lord! that's enough.
"
"the king in his coffin reposes
on a catafalque covered in roses.
thus lifted on high
he offends not the eye
and, moreover, offends not our noses.
"
"ernie, a handsome young eagle,
thought his white-feathered head was quite regal.
but the ladies he called,
having heard he was bald,
said they'd rather go out with a seagull.
"
"with diplomacy, joe has the tact
to make peace with his foe through a pact.
and their bond will stay warm
while joe bids him perform
an impossible intimate act.
"
"for directness and candor he's known;
calls 'em just as he sees 'em ? a tone
that seems phony because
it's just other folks' flaws
that he notices, never his own.
"
"though your diaphragm sure fits the bill
to ensure your lungs empty and fill,
you poor ignorant gal, you
just learned that its value
preventing conception is nil.
"
"""it's a land mass,"" geography browsers
say drily, but irish carousers,
in pubs where they mingle,
will tell you, ""the dingle
peninsula's found in my trousers!""
"
"it's a custom that's used to define
or denote the first portion as mine,
but i've learned that it's crass
to jump up during mass
and yell, ""dibs?on the wafers and wine!""
"
"a diamondback could be a snake,
or a terrapin found in a lake,
or it could be the thing
that you get on a ring
from your former fianc?e, you rake!
"
"the way emily dickinson wrote ?
was to breathlessly over-emote ?
and to overuse dashes
that broke out like rashes ?
and some of her lines ? didn't rhyme ?
"
"the diaspora: jews have moved on;
to all ends of the earth they have gone.
from nairobi to nome,
they all yearn for one home,
and say, ""next year in boca raton!""
"
"at the racetrack, we raked in a ton!
we had pooled all our cash, just for fun;
my dicephalous friend
cast the bet in the end,
so old two-heads, our bettor, then won.
"
"no bazaar items come with a sticker,
so we haggle and bargain and dicker.
even so, i still feel,
when we come to a deal,
that the merchant's suppressing a snicker.
"
"i'm a baptist. now, what does that say?
we baptize, but don't sprinkle or spray.
a wet forehead is fine,
but in this church of mine
we're immersed?we don't do it halfway.
"
"it's a spa and resort in south britain
where ladies can chat while they're knittin'.
but it's also a tub
where you sit while you scrub,
and where knittin' while sittin' ain't fittin'.
"
"a beanbag is barely a chair.
a dozer is barely aware.
the sun almost down,
a gossamer gown,
and a shadow are all barely there.
"
"good meter and rhymes may be nice
to make poetry smooth and precise.
but for sonnets to sing,
add some zest, zip, and zing;
alliteration's a dandy device.
"
"my kids say that country's mundane.
heavy metal is what's on their brain.
but the amplified sound
makes my migraine rebound,
and my skull, how it pounds with the pain!
"
"when the sergeant calls out ""about face!""
he expects you to turn in your place
one-eighty degrees,
and he sure won't say ""please.""
so you'd better hop to it apace.
"
"""that's my favorite veggie!"" said kelly,
when she spied the lush plant on the telly.
but asparagus fern
will cause innards to churn?
it's a feast for the eyes, not the belly.
"
"as a singer, my range is exceptional.
in a chorus i'm multi-directional.
i sing coloratura
and my alto's bravura.
so you see, i am truly bi-sectional.
"
"in the forest an herb you may find
which, by all but old wives, is maligned.
but athelas brings,
in the hands of true kings,
a healing of body and mind.
"
"brutus, my best airedale terrier,
is renowned as a prairie dog harrier.
any ground-dwelling vermin
(like great-uncle herman)
knows to hunker down quick and be warier.
"
"""your pa is a crusty old coot,""
whispered ma. ""he's just being a poot!""
""i am not, you old hen!""
shouted pa from the den.
though he's eighty, his hearing's acute.
"
"on a late moonlight stroll in her nightie,
nell gazed at the conifers mighty.
she was so much in awe
of the tall trees she saw,
that she tripped on a short arborvitae.
"
"the alarming expansion in size
of my upper arms, torso, and thighs
is due to those cakes,
cheesy pizzas, and shakes?
a fact which i freely agnize.
"
"i'm addicted to coke, sad to say.
it's a price that i'm willing to pay.
no incentive to stop...
it's just one buck a pop,
so i guzzle three six-packs a day.
"
"you may argue what's best when you're ill,
and your nose has succumbed to a chill?
to use hankie or tissue?
i'm burking the issue
by letting it drip where it will.
"
"i never drink coffee or tea
and vino just isn't for me.
i find milk gives me phlegm?
so i cough. (ack...ahem!)
and beer makes me constantly pee.
"
"mr. benny would never turn fifty.
regarding his age, he was shifty.
forty loomed. he said, ""well...
that's too much! i rebel!""
in his mind, thirty-nine was more thrifty.
"
"the conductor has sacked billy brinker,
a bass clarinetist...and drinker.
his solo was fine
till the very last line
when he hiccupped and blared out a clinker.
"
"three cheers for the mammal's first food!
it's a high-protein drink for the brood.
i'll shout from my rostrum
in praise of colostrum!
(produced by the dame, not the dude.)
"
"a wheat farmer, billy bob graff,
wasn't any too bright. (not by half!)
see, his threshing was vain
'cause he threw out the grain
and then tried to make bread from the chaff.
"
"the aelurophobe despot's harsh laws
force his serfs to rebel ? with good cause.
so he's catapult-pelted
with kittens, black-belted,
who knead him to death with their paws.
"
"you're the getaway driver, my son?
an accomplice who helped the perp run.
you committed a crime
and will do the same time
as your friend here who wielded the gun.
"
"he's the best violinist, bar none!
now it's finally his time in the sun.
he's been hired to play
for the moscow ballet.
(too bad it's the idaho one.)
"
"you've got crown wart, i fear, mr. grover.
look closely?you'll have to bend over.
this ""wart"" here, in essence,
is a fungal excrescence
afflicting your crop of red clover.
"
"i've a fancy one just for my socks.
there are two for my seashells and rocks.
tin or cardboard?don't care.
love 'em all, round or square.
on my grave will be writ ""ooh...nice box!""
"
"an eight-legged spider said, ""geez!
(and my six-legged friend here agrees.)
we find it so comic
that parts anatomic
are singles and pairs, never threes.""
"
"my dad was a shy man when speakin'...
a humble man, not status seekin'.
but he shouldered the task
when the minister asked
that he serve in our church as a deacon.
"
"my old quilt with the grape kool-aid stain,
that was sewed by my mommy's aunt jane,
keeps me comfy and snug
when i ache with a bug.
i guess that's why it's called ""counter-pain"".
"
"old reynard the fox, he is sly...
passed my window, a gleam in his eye.
he is cunning and crafty.
""i've diddled you!"" laughed he.
""say 'bye to your blackberry pie!""
"
"in grandma's day cunning was heard,
meaning ""sweet"" or ""cherubic""?a word
now considered pass?
(in that sense, anyway).
today the word cute is preferred.
"
"five thousand years past, maybe more,
back in mesopotamia of yore,
arose cuneiform writing,
which folks found exciting,
but reading today is a chore.
"
"a ditzy designer named belle
was fond of the shape of a shell.
she used carved coquillage
to adorn her garage?
and a fresco of venus as well.
"
"my plans for a weekend vacation
were dashed in a sad culmination
of scheduling switches
and various glitches.
come get me?i'm still at the station.
"
"says gramma: ""i like it just fine
pickin' pole beans that grow on a vine.
but crawlin' aroun'
pickin' bush beans low down
ain't the best fer my knees or my spine.""
"
"our mom's oil-and-vinegar cruet
is shattered; we're sad now and rue it.
its contents remain
as a big greasy stain
on the wall by dad's head where she threw it.
"
"on their date they discovered rapport;
they whispered and kissed at the door.
yelled dad: ""whatcha doing?!""
""just billing and cooing...
the stoop ain't conducive to more.""
"
"our bass went and caught him a chill
which has rendered him voiceless and ill.
so it's me, bob, and fred
till he's unclogged his head:
a quartet with three-quarters the skill.
"
"while cooking with beverly anne,
i sit down on her freshly baked flan.
i decide 'twould behoove me
to quickly remove me
from out of her reach while i can.
"
"uncle clarence climbed up on a wall,
then got dizzy and suffered a fall.
though he fell from aloft,
his landing was soft
'cause aunt bea took the brunt of it all.
"
"though the diva once sang like a bird,
she was rendered aphonic, unheard.
but she conquered the flu
with an agrimony brew.
diva, brava! we hear every word!
"
"i went to a midsummer festival.
the air was hot, humid, and pestiful.
the wasps and mosquitos
swarmed 'round my burritos.
next time my vacation's not aestival.
"
"two tropical birds called cacique
try on scarves in a fashion boutique.
says ms red-rump, ""i say!
this yellow's outr?!""
and ms yellow-rump leaves in a pique.
"
"here are four ways to savor the summer:
say ""hello"" to each brightly hued hummer,
feel the breeze on your face,
pick a bunch of anne's lace,
and then dance to an alternate drummer.
"
"""aroint thee, oh hag of the morn!
it's too early to rise. mute thy horn.""
""i've no sympathy, son.
you'll be tardy?now run!
and tonight don't stay up reading porn.""
"
"a public and crowd-pleasing gaffe
occasioned a general laugh
when a knight at a joust
arrived patently soused,
with a clearly unfastened agrafe.
"
"the blastopore's purpose in part's
to provide a good outlet for farts;
though strangely in some
it instead can become
an inlet for raspberry tarts.
"
"though to pedants this usage is dumb,
to expedience one should succumb:
when the gender's not known,
and it's one grad alone,
it's ok to just say an alum.
"
"debussy's arabesques...lovely things!
such fanciful frivolous flings
full of ornamentations,
uplifting sensations...
my hands on the piano have wings!
"
"that furry thing out in the heather
that hops to and fro in fair weather,
adults call, from habit,
a bunny or rabbit,
but kiddies run both words together.
"
"went to pick a bouquet just at dawn.
found my flowers deflorate and wan.
their blossoms hung down
and their petals were brown.
all their pollen had fallen and gone.
"
"ahasuerus, the husband of esther,
was a king no one else dared to pester
for fear of their life.
but his beautiful wife
dared to plead for her kin, and god blessed her.
"
"young hamlet dispatched old polonius?
a blastment un-meant and erroneous.
(the word is off-beat
and is quite obsolete?
but, of course, so is poor old polonius.)
"
"from a very large family's this bird.
the roadrunner's one...how absurd!
the sound of his ""tweets""
forever repeats.
know the answer? then just say the word.
"
"called ""john the baptizer"" by some,
this baptist called pharisees ""scum"".
announcing god's sentence,
he called for repentance,
preparing for one who would come.
"
"a lover of cheese was our greta.
said she, ""for a really good feta,
i'd shave off my hair,
or wrestle a bear,
or sing a gounod arietta.""
"
"his parents had trained him up well
to acquit himself just like a swell.
he behaved with an air
of refined savoir-faire,
but his breath was a product of hell.
"
"i'm a red-blooded yank through and through,
but a bit of an anglophile, too.
i've a strange predilection
for this brit interjection:
instead of ""gee whiz"" i say, ""coo"".
"
"a dragon's a lizard with wings
and other nefarious things.
he can singe off your mullet
with flames from his gullet,
and a swat from his tail really stings!
"
"""oh, salvadore, dahling! my kewpie!
i'm ready and eager for whoopie.
all the clocks have struck one.
come to bed?let's have fun.""
""not tonight, dear?i'm tired and droopy"".
"
"old wally the wildebeest (gnu)
had a horrible case of the flu.
his poor throat, sore and raw,
couldn't handle dry straw,
so he dined every day at dq.
"
"there have been many species of veeps,
but there's one who gave people the creeps.
this v.p. hit the ceiling;
it wasn't appealing.
one weeps hearing veeps who need bleeps.
"
"to cervantes i say, ""don miguel,
don quixote (your novel) is swell.""
a delusional knight
with some windmills dares fight.
reading nonsense has made him unwell.
"
"there's a singer named charles aznavour.
he has sung about love: ""mon amour!""
love is sad, and today
as my blue sky turns grey,
i shall call him my singer du jour.
"
"since i gorged on too much christmas pie,
calisthenics i'll do at the y.
i'll be hitting the gym,
where i'll make myself slim.
i am now so damn fat i could die.
"
"i despair, and my hope is now dim.
what a boss! i work daily for him.
i am under his thumb,
i feel gloomy and glum,
and my workday is gruesome and grim.
"
"is the boss an impatient piranha?
well, he won't be put off till ma?ana.
he shouts, ""jump! don't be bad.
if you don't want me mad,
you must ask, 'just how high, o great bwana?'""
"
"if you won't worship thor, zeus or buddha,
you are monotheistic, dear judah.
you defy old antiochus.
his oppression is why ya cuss
at his hellenist hordes. the intruder!
"
"michael richards flipped out (ran amok)
doing stand-up. it's easy to chuck
your old image as ""kramer""
when you rant like a flamer
and you scream out the n-word. (tough luck.)
"
"if your boss has a heart that is hard;
if he makes you feel feathered and tarred;
if you feel gloom and fear,
i'm the poet of cheer,
and the boys in my band call me bard.
"
"when in anger a flame war i fanned,
i was told, ""such a stunt gets you banned.""
so i never shall dis
other members. dear chris,
i shall heed your wise words, as we've planned.
"
"mr. como? miss page and miss shore?
fans of elvis would hear them and snore;
but on fifties tv
they gave many great glee.
dear old perry got letters galore.
"
"snobbish darcy was so in a tizzy
as he sneered and looked down on poor lizzy.
oh such prejudiced pride!
how the ladies all sighed!
seeking husbands?at that task they're busy.
"
"miss ann coulter claims this of the left:
""of all morals it's deeply bereft!""
as a joke (what a wag!)
she called edwards a fag.
at such nastiness coulter is deft.
"
"chipping sparrows build nests lined with hair.
that's a trait (if it's true) that's quite rare.
to a horse or a hound
it will fly, and its sound
is a tweet meaning ""thanks, old grey mare!""
"
"poor aida was told by her dad,
""save your country. you must trick your lad.
you must make him act dopier.
will you save ethiopia
from the pharaoh? if not, you are bad.""
"
"the professor is prince of pressology.
is he also the first in philology?
well his foes in linguistics
call his acolytes mystics
in a field full of pain and pathology.
"
"when i talk of my troubles, i bitch.
in my character this is a glitch.
when i constantly kvetch,
folks feel sick, and they retch,
and they think they've been cursed by a witch.
"
"many people admire the slabs
of the muscles that some have called abs.
are those muscles abdominal?
yes they are. they're phenomenal!
(but let's hope they weren't made in some labs.)
"
"when i chugalug beer with my frat boys,
empty calories may make us fat boys.
we've been told that this booze
in excess makes some lose
earthly life. if that happens, we're stat boys.
"
"miss beyonc? is playing a dream
who made former lead effie just scream
when she stole effie's man
and her job. what a plan!
""i won't go!"" effie told her old team.
"
"mr. pinkerton, you are a cad.
you deceived your poor girlfriend. that's bad.
girls like her, first they do coo,
then die by seppuku,
misled by a lecherous lad.
"
"mister merciless, one john wilkes booth,
did a deed that was dark and uncouth.
in the theater of ford,
mister lincoln was floored
by booth's bullet?so ruthless! (no ruth.)
"
"though my hostess may claim she's a baker,
i can tell by the taste she's a faker.
that store-purchased muffin
and cake?she is bluffin'!
she won't tell the truth. shall i make her?
"
"i adore and i idolize cher.
when she sings, there's no trouble or care
in my gay, happy soul.
what a singer! her role
is iconic. her talent is rare.
"
"a french poet named charles baudelaire
was forlorn; he felt gloom and despair.
so he wrote au lecteur,
""you're a hypocrite, sir.
we are trapped by the devil. not fair!""
"
"i love opera music that's sweet.
i adore diva songbirds who tweet.
should i join with the jocks?
should i cheer for the sox?
i'm an aesthete who's scorned as effete.
"
"rosa parks on a bus. alabama
was so racist. the sheriff said, ""damn a
naughty negro* like her.
sit in back? i concur.
i shall throw her black ass in the slammer.""
"
"he's the one whose most glorious name
we oedilfers must never defame,
or, like poor salman r.,
we'll face feathers and tar,
and a fatwa that burns like a flame.
"
"i'm a certified nut. i am ravin'?
rantin', ravin'. a certified maven
(that means ""expert"" to you)
from a mental health crew
probes the reasons why i'm misbehavin'.
"
"i'm ""bipolar,"" or so says my shrink.
""take your meds, and do not make a stink.
if you start acting manic,
some people will panic;
they might throw your ass in the clink.""
"
"in a town we once knew as bombay
(now for indians, mumbai's the way),
they make musicals. golly!
from woods known as bolly
come films that are jolly and gay.
"
"i'm a luftmensch, a person of air,
and the gas in my lungs is the fare
that i eat. food and shelter?
that comes helter-skelter;
it's how i live life. i don't care.
"
"cherubino was one naughty page
who drove count almaviva to rage.
once that boy toy flew high.
now it's non pi? andrai
as his freedom is put in a cage.
"
"the censoriousness of his sermon
had his congregants nervously squirmin'.
""don't arouse the lord's ire,
or you'll face hellish fire,""
said a fierce evangelical german .  .  .
"
"once a ""student"" i was and ""eternal.""
was the length of my studies infernal?
i was burned by my books.
how i envied the rooks
and their flight through the foliage so vernal!
"
"the comedian margaret cho
makes the censors feel sorrow and woe.
she loves both guys and gals,
and the gays are her pals,
but george w. bush is her foe.
"
"what a songwriter! irving berlin
helped fight fascists, whose acts were a sin.
when a singer named kate
sang his song, it was great.
we felt blessed, and we knew we would win.
"
"said the iowa ladies, ""o hark
to the menace of mister balzac.
he is french; he is naughty,
so our manner is haughty.""
in the music man, hear how they bark.
"
"a supremely good singer, miss ballard,
was shot down by miss ross like a mallard.
did diana?oh no!?
pull that stunt on poor flo?
if she did, then my outrage is valid.
"
"shun circuitous speech. that's my plea,
since a yes or a no works for me.
i'll be perfectly fine
with a ja or a nein.
that's a simple request, don't you see?
"
"in the real world you have to be pushy,
but a government job can be cushy.
not much work. decent pay.
call in sick. out to play!
and they won't kick you out on your tushy.
"
"by the scope of this project i'm dazed.
sometimes members go nuts?they get crazed.
when they edit all night
(""that is wrong!"" ""this is right!""),
their poor eyes are exhausted and glazed.
"
"reading plays by corneille and racine,
i say, ""fate can be nasty and mean.""
then i come up for air,
and i laugh with moli?re,
as i dance a french classic beguine.
"
"""see the sea!"" said the films of cousteau.
as a diver that man was a pro.
in the realm of the shark,
you would often find jacques.
we admire just how deep he would go.
"
"when thinking of broadway i'm scanning
lists of stars, and i see carol channing.
she's the girl who?good golly?
was told ""hello, dolly!""
(a greeting i'd never be banning.)
"
"do you want to read texts in bengali?
then the poet tagore is your pal. he
used words that they utter
on the streets of calcutta.
with that daughter of sanskrit you'll dally.
"
"want some hissy fits? seamy and seamier
is each fight; the hot air gets much steamier.
watch as prof after prof
starts to scornfully scoff ?
that's the world that we call academia.
"
"what can light up this sailor's hot flame?
""there is nothing,"" he sings, ""like a dame,""
in the show south pacific,
calling women terrific,
and their absence a terrible shame.
"
"it is now tamazigh, not berb?re.
my congr?s mondial says, ""beware
of my struggle, ye vultures,
and respect my proud culture's
old tongue. call us wrong if you dare!""
"
"who epitomized daughterly duty
though her dad said, ""you mock me! you're snooty!""?
oh that foolish king lear!
only she held him dear:
poor cordelia's sweet soul had great beauty.
"
"walter denton liked class with miss brooks,
but his girlfriend's old man's dirty looks
kept the school in a tizzy.
walter strove to keep busy,
and i don't mean just hitting the books.
"
"in a delicatessen i buy
my bologna and bratwurst. i sigh
when i'm told, ""be a vegan!""
i reply, ""vegan shmegan!
if i can't have my sausage, i'll die.""
"
"""you are deviant!!"" thundered my dad.
""if you don't want a lass but a lad,
if you call yourself 'gay',
i'm embarrassed. oy vey!
my consent to your filth can't be had.""
"
"hendrick avercamp shows us the dutch
having fun on the ice. very much
we can learn from his skaters.
what was once small potatoes
is a part of god's this, that and such.
"
"desdemona was wed to a moor
so misled that he called her a whore.
she was pious and pure.
what she had to endure!
shakespeare's tragedies all end in gore.
"
"since the days of cain, abel and seth,
some have done themselves harm. some use meth;
some use crack. some drink booze
to excess. so they lose
life expectancy. soon they face death.
"
"it's an island where shakespeare's othello.
faced a storm. he was brave and not yellow.
it's where greeks yell to turks,
""you secessionist jerks!""
""tit for tat!"" turks shout back. both camps bellow.
"
"earning little and spending a lot,
did i budget? i gave that no thought.
i am all out of money.
i lack funds. that's not funny.
in a shelter i beg for a cot.
"
"since i wanted to join the elite,
i subscribed to an opera box seat,
but i now am beset
with such credit card debt!
that's a challenge i fear i can't meet.
"
"since obscenity must be eschewed,
and the f-word at work is quite crude,
when i said it, my boss
said, ""you've made me so cross
that you're fired?you're nasty and lewd.""
"
"though he made an unfortunate gaffe,
joseph biden now has the last laugh.
he is shouting with glee,
""i've been picked as v.p.
since they think i am wheat and not chaff.""
"
"a foreigner job-theft believer
will not be a fan of aviva.
chomsky thinks immigration
is good for the nation.
is she right? is lou dobbs a dumb diva?
"
"when king david saw gorgeous bathsheba,
he exclaimed, ""she is cuter than reba!
she's like j. lo. like wow!
i shall sleep with her now.""
was that sinful? ask rabbi akiba.
"
"""it's the devil who sent him to me.
i've been punished,"" says ma. ""golly gee!
i committed some sin.
now i'm blamed by my kin
for a son who deprives me of glee.""
"
"susan boyle was a plain, artless thing,
but she certainly knew how to sing.
even mean simon cowell
had to throw in the towel
and admit her performance had zing.
"
"""when you call youself 'gay',"" said my pa,
""with that fib you won't get very far.""
daddy dealt in denial.
""you will dance down the aisle
with a nice jewish girl. cha-cha-cha!""
"
"i'm an eloquent, powerful lawyer,
well known from new york to la jolla.
it makes excellent sense
to employ my defense.
at my job i'm an artist?like goya.
"
"""how i hate and despise him. i sneer
with contempt at a son whom i jeer.
there's no sport he can play
so he's taunted as 'gay'.
he's not macho, that sissy, i fear.""
"
"""not until the swine flu starts to wane
will i dare to get onto a plane,""
said vice president joe,
but his boss answered, ""no,
let's not panic. please let me explain.""
"
"such a singer and actress! pearl bailey
steals the scene on the screen singing gaily
of ""that rhythm on . . . drum.""
and from where does this come?
carmen jones! that's a film i watch daily.
"
"constipation means feces are hard.
you need fiber and water to guard
your poor colon from woe,
and soft stools will then go
out your anus. your life won't be marred.
"
"such great heat! but one never sees light
as the acolytes loyally fight
for their gurus. their foes
are despicable schmoes
who are sinful but sad in their spite.
"
"she's the groupie of strength; she's a wench
who asks athletes, ""how much can you bench?
if your pecs are real strong,
i'll be singing a song
of the flame of a lust i can't quench.""
"
"who has starred as a middle-aged girl?
well there's carol and barbara?and pearl.
(in a cast that was black.)
dolly got horace back
after banning the cad: ""you're a churl!""
"
"pious daniel was thrown in a den
filled with lions who liked to eat men.
though you may think this odd,
he was saved by his god,
who had powers beyond human ken.
"
"oh, my spirit! it trembled. so spastic
was my soul. y2k (chiliastic,
the millennial fear)
made me yell, ""vey iz mir!""
but the world did not end. that's fantastic.
"
"""be observant!"" i'm told by chabad.
""fellow jew, it is not really hard.""
but alas, i detect
something odd in that sect,
and i still eat a cake made with lard.
"
"pious pastor, you warn of damnation
if i don't follow you to salvation.
are the flames of hell loomin'
for a secular human?
death is final. there's no more sensation.
"
"crunchy croutons i pour in my soup,
not just one but a whole tasty troupe.
what i add to my salad
makes me sing you a ballad
praising bread cubes. (for joy i must whoop!)
"
"when you split, is annulment the way?
it can make some folks gossip you're gay.
kenny chesney, of course,
should have sought a divorce
when he ended his ties to renee.
"
"there once was a farmer named cain
who considered his brother a pain,
so he slew his poor fr?re.
the good lord asked him, ""where
is your brother? you have to explain.""
"
"winston churchill said ""blood, sweat and tears""
were our lot, but we dealt with our fears.
he replaced silly neville,
who dealt with the devil,
and reaped only scorn and some jeers.
"
"""boxers fear apiarian stings
from my fist and the knockouts it brings.
i'll  disable the piston
of that big ugly liston.""
boasts ali. his own praises he sings.
"
"i sing death metal thrash in my band,
shouting lyrics that tipper can't stand.
what a beat from the drummer!
each guitar? savage strummer!
and the bass is the best in the land.
"
"billy bulger said, ""whitey's my bro.
though the feds call him number one foe,
it's a grave mortal sin
to betray kith and kin.
would i snitch on a sibling? hell no!""
"
"when the comedy verse is divine,
there's a punch but no gag when the line
says, ""abandon all hope...""
dante thinks you're a dope
if you say, ""after death i'll be fine.""
"
"ahasuerus ruled persian and mede.
silly fool! he agreed he would cede
too much power to haman,
a rogue who liked blamin'
all his problems on jews. yes, indeed.
"
"after death all the damned go to hell,
or at least that is what i've heard tell,
and the saved first must purge
all their sins 'til they merge
into heavenly bliss. ain't that swell?
"
"my behavior was bad; my greek pappa
used to sternly inquire, ""thelis fapa?
do you want a good slap?
when you're naughty, young chap,
my reprisal gets fiercer and sharper.""
"
"i'll stay up for your act, though i'm sleepy.
since you won't be my friend, i feel weepy.
you are young; i am old?
and too bold, so you've told
me: ""you stalker! you're nasty and  creepy!""
"
"do you light sabbath candles on friday?
""yes, i do,"" said the jewish mom. ""my day?
friday night?candles blessing,
with tradition not messing,
i make shabbos, the big don't-ask-why day.""
"
"baron cohen's last film depicts br?no.
he's the most flaming queen i or you know.
of bad taste who's the pasha?
borat's victims said, ""sacha
in deception is numero uno.""
"
"some are hooked on their drugs, but this site
has addicted me. my tragic plight
keeps my eyes on the screen.
go for walks? i'm not keen
on that plan. on my life there's a blight.
"
"""i denounce all your ties to big pharma.
it's been said 'do no harm,' so don't harm a
patient under your care.
please do right. please be fair,
since injustice will give you bad karma.""
"
"when the tabloids have gotten the goods
on celebrities?look! tiger woods!?
wives may ask, arms akimbo,
""was there more than one bimbo?""
husbands think about shoulds, woulds and coulds.
"
"the prescriptivists pout and get bossier
when i dare to defend my diglossia.
they demand only french.
""haitian creole? such stench!
it is not what we put in our dossier.""
"
"who's corrupt? is it bad berlusconi?
is he innocent? some say, ""baloney!""
that embarrassing clown
makes his enemies frown,
and they shout at him, ""sei un buffone!""
"
"though my manner some call agonistic,
have no fear that i might go ballistic.
though each word is a flame,
it is only a game.
it's unlikely the fight will get fistic.
"
"the d.a. has you clasped in his talons?
whose defense might yet free you? it's alan's.
mr. dershowitz knows
how to deal with your woes.
like von b?low, you'll shout, ""talons shmalons!""
"
"is he prophet or quack? peter breggin
says, ""psychiatrist colleagues, i'm beggin'!
don't start patients on psych meds.
in their brains, i don't like meds,
though big pharma may sneer, 'breggin shmeggin!'""
"
"if you're fatter than fat, the physician
you consult is a bariatrician,
if you're grossly obese
he will bring you some peace
with subtraction of weight, not addition.
"
"don giovanni seduced many ladies.
for his sins he has landed in hades.
said his servant, ""no loss
to be rid of a boss
who seduced silly selmas and sadies.""
"
"though we once drove each other quite mad,
i've agreed to be buried near dad.
in the family plot
both our corpses will rot.
(since he died, he has not been that bad.)
"
"crafty bigthan told wily old teresh,
""that mean  persian king ought to perish.""
this plan to put down
the man with the crown
was revealed by a guy whom we cherish.
"
"what an actor! that robert de niro
was either a fool or a hero
to get cut, then gain weight
showing raging bull hate
as a boxer whose patience was zero.
"
"con men madoff and ponzi, et al.
would say, ""trust me. you know i'm your pal.""
""i'm a sucker. (they're born...)
so i feel so forlorn,""
sighed each gullible guy and gulled gal.
"
"at a wedding reception in cana,
the dear bride was a beauty, a sheyna,
and one guest was so fine
he turned water to wine
and the groom to a former abstainer.
"
"king cyrus decreed to the jews,
""go return to your land if you choose.""
said this great royal persian,
""you may end your dispersion.""
read in ezra this excellent news.
"
"dauntless deborah helped vanquish a foe
who'd brought israelites sorrow and woe.
buddy barak cried, ""brava!""
debbie's song flowed like lava:
""we have won! god is great! ain't that so?!""
"
"when delilah cut off samson's hair,
he was stripped of his strength then and there.
since the philistines' scorn
made him feel quite forlorn,
he was plunged in the depths of despair.
"
"mona lisa inspired nat king cole
with a smile that had spirit and soul,
and he said to his daughter,
""daddy thinks that you oughta
be a chip off his block. that's his goal.""
"
"for the brits, it means ""cigarette,"" but
cross the pond, this unpleasant word's what
homophobic folks say
when they're thinking, ""oy vey!
homosexuals?! damn, they're a glut!""
"
"in this sport, where the risk is not teeny,
men die,  like when ""boom boom"" mancini
had knocked out duk koo kim.
what then happened was grim?
as grotesque as a film by fellini.
"
"southie gangland boss, once high and mighty,
who had fled from the feds, killer whitey
has been captured at last
(cynics scoff, ""not too fast..."")
at the crib where his moll hung her nightie.
"
"republican candidate todd
is among those who claim that their god
says, ""you should not be takin'
fetal life."" mr. akin
has some thoughts about rape that are odd.
"
"roman generals sure loved to clasp
a queen who was killed by an asp
that she pressed to her breast
thinking suicide best.
so wrote shakespeare about her last gasp.
"
"you're oppressed by the russians. you're chechen.
your response involves more than just kvetchin'.
your revenge is not tame,
and your bombs kill and maim
many innocent people; i'm retchin'.
"
"pete domenici fathered a kid
by his colleague's young daughter. he hid
this affair until now.
some react, shouting, ""wow!
oh, my god! what that senator did!""
"
"a model-turned-mom named giselle
wrote that bottles were nasty as hell:
""since for baby it's best
to drink milk from mom's breast,
when my wish becomes law, i'll say, 'swell!'""
"
"richard dawkins said, ""god is a fake,
and his clergy should jump in the lake.
there's a guy i call chris
i support.  if you dis
all us atheists, you are a snake.""
"
"like anne frank she still lives through her pen,
a jewish parisian (h?l?ne).
let us weep for miss berr.
she was killed. how unfair!
nazi evil?beyond human ken.
"
"king darius was badly misled
by the rogues who said, ""let him be fed
to the beasts! he'll be jawed
by those lions."" but god
shut their mouths. daniel lived. so it's said.
"
"victor borge was one happy dane,
while young hamlet felt sorrow and pain.
hans c. andersen, though,
always banishes woe
when he takes you down storybook lane.
"
"i'm alone, and my life is a muddle.
how i long for a mate i can cuddle!
when we hug and caress,
life will not be a mess.
i'll resolve what can tend to befuddle.
"
"mr. turnip's a champion at scrabble.
as for me, at that game i just dabble.
if i tried to beat him,
then my fate would be grim:
i'd run off to read margaret drabble.
"
"though the west says, ""that sweet dalai lama
is a wise and inspiring old charmer,""
china grumbles, ""oh no!
he's a splittist and foe,
but he won't put a dent in our armor.""
"
"as i sink deeper down in depression,
i am prone to a pointless digression.
since my spirit is flatus,
i shall go on hiatus
till the voices reduce their aggression.
"
"oh, the brotherliness of your help
(also sisterli-) gladdens this whelp.
o sorelle, fratelli,
your japanese jelly,
or kombu, brings joy?i love kelp.
"
"what i write's like the art known as dada.
making sense just gets harder and harder,
and the lines of my ballad
are a crazy word-salad.
tra-la-lee! tra-la-la! yada-yada!
"
"when king henry was left in the lurch
by the anti-divorce catholic church,
he said, ""popes i shall shun.
i'll be first?number one.
on an anglican throne i shall perch.""
"
"my allergic reactions to dust
range through breathlessness, hunger, and lust,
so when others might sneeze,
i asthmatically wheeze,
""i shall ravish you, eat you, or bust!""
"
"anglocentrism needs some corrective:
it looks from an english perspective
at how the world's myst'ry
unravels in hist'ry?
and therefore it's far too selective.
"
"it's the absolute final solution
to anthropogenic pollution:
as the whole human race
dies in poisoned disgrace,
the environment takes retribution.
"
"when i heard them say ""royal assent,""
i didn't know quite what was meant.
did the queen (or prince phil?)
just approve a new bill,
or proceed up a hill with intent?
"
"an arrogant lad from madrid
was so certain that all that he did
was so noble and strong,
and could never be wrong,
that he took on the name of ""el cid.""
"
"academe: mythic landscape of groves
where professors and similar coves
sit debating for hours
in their ivory towers
wearing hideous tweedy old clothes.
"
"my cat's lost his former agility,
but his mind is untouched by senility.
now he follows the mice
with a tracking device?
i reckon that's adaptability!
"
"in the seeds of the almond, amyg-
dalin lurks to entrap any pig
that develops a taste
for its cyanide waste?
as a killer of livestock, it's big.
"
"my teacher, when drunk, would attest:
""too much of a good thing is best.""
citing this as confucian
is false attribution?
'twas actually said by mae west.
"
"soldiers' legs, if positioned at ease,
form an angle of twenty degrees.
when they're brought to attention,
the angle i mention
depends on the width of their knees!
"
"mister natural's championship guns
win first place, but you know what he shuns?
it's a drug they call 'roids.
that's the juice he avoids,
but he still builds a body that stuns.
"
"to her sisters (named faith and named hope)
she announced, ""i will help children cope
with the world. education
will ease their frustration.
to despair they can now just say 'nope.'""
"
"there's an island that's so antigay
you face lynching or jail . . . such dismay!
it's a place where poor stella
got her ""groove"" till her fella
said, ""i'm reading the lines of a play.""
"
"i am cranky?and stoic i'm not.
with resentment my feelings are fraught.
i can cause quite a scene
while i'm venting my spleen,
and i grumble and groan at my lot.
"
"it's thanksgiving. red cranberry jelly
goes on turkey and into my belly.
berries grow in a bog
through which someone must slog
while reciting a sonnet by shelley.
"
"when i ask you to live in my crib,
you need not bring a diaper or bib.
there is no need to roam.
you may stay in my home.
as a housemate i'm great. that's no fib.
"
"elvis presley pled, ""please don't be cruel!
i want caviar. don't feed me gruel.
you're a beautiful beast.
on your charms let me feast.
as the queen of my kingdom you rule.""
"
"if i ever receive a pink slip,
life becomes one big buffalo chip.
i'm a lost little boy.
i am hard to employ
since my job market value is zip.
"
"bacon-lettuce-tomato? whoopee!
i go nuts for a good blt.
but a jew who's bt?
""treyfer sandwich for me?
baal-teshuvah eats kosher; i flee.""
"
"i don't know about him. there's no pull
that i feel to a church, mosque or shul,
so the pious are caustic,
and they ask me, ""agnostic,
don't you see that our faith makes life full?""
"
"since the cops murdered one of our guys,
law and order (so-called) we despise.
we shall torch the whole town.
we'll burn pharmacies down
though some critics have claimed that's not wise.
"
"anna felt in her heart such great pain
that she threw herself under a train.
she had left her old spouse
for her lover, a louse
whose love waxed and then started to wane.
"
"brokeback mountain's a film where two guys
fell in love when away from the eyes
of a world that shouts ""creep!""
they did more than herd sheep...
in the closet they stayed with their lies.
"
"the  melodramatic glenn beck
on his talk show spouts drivel and dreck.
alex zaitchik's bold book
takes a critical look
at the lies that no truth holds in check.
"
"antisemites in france cry, ""aha!
france ain't yours! la france n'est pas a toi!
dirty jewboy! sale juif!
you have given us grief!
your damn plots will no longer go far!""
"
"jersey governor bullies? when pissed, he
is prone to not just slap your wrist; he
sees bridge traffic slow
and then claims not to know
what two real stupid aides did, not christie.
"
"angry alfio learned that his spouse
had made love to turiddu. ""my house
will avenge its dishonor.
lola's lover i'm gonna
have a duel with. i'll prove i'm no mouse.""
"
"the philosopher, senator biden,
used to wonder where clean blacks were hidin'.
at the sight of obama,
""an articulate charmer!""
was his thought on that horse some were ridin'.
"
"fishing pearls? fighting bulls? then you may
go and sing all the songs of bizet.
there's a gypsy named carmen;
she is wicked but charmin'
as she leads a poor soldier astray.
"
"putin's russia is so antigay
that some homophiles holler, ""oy vey!
let us boycott a land
where our love has been banned
by a law that has caused much dismay.""
"
"my authoritarian aunt
used to say, ""no such thing as 'i can't!'""
i was slapped round the legs
when i cried, ""can't eat eggs!""
and shot when i added, ""i shan't!""
"
"my shakespeare auditions were fine?
though as hamlet i fluffed the odd line?
but my shylock went well,
my othello was swell,
and my bottom, they said, was divine!
"
"""atishoo!"" he gushed, with each sneeze,
spreading germs and infectious disease.
""only one?"" we yelled back?
""take the whole bloomin' pack,
but just cover your mouth, if you please!""
"
"at the crossroads, i stood at a loss.
to turn left?  to turn right?  straight across?
how on earth could i know
by which road i should go?
i'd no coins with three faces to toss!
"
"i'm engaged in a war of attrition
with a neighbouring nuisance musician.
i e-mail him daily:
""re: your ukulele""?
i'll inbox him into submission!
"
"donning wetsuit and mask is my rule
before taking a dip in your pool.
thus accoutred, i'll face
every germ in the place?
and the girls will all think that i'm cool!
"
"i am antipathetic to sea:
its heaving and swell have to be
disincentives to cross while
that ocean is hostile
and antipathetic to me.
"
"snake-embracer ben snodgrass is missing:
he and fair anaconda were kissing,
she opened too wide,
and he fell right inside?
now it's benny puree that she's pissing.
"
"on return from a run round the block,
i felt my toes itch in my sock.
the reason was gross, this
dermatophytosis?
to you, athlete's foot.  help me, doc!
"
"anthropometry is my profession,
so i'll measure, in rapid succession,
all your features of note
below knee, above throat?
and the middle bits too (with discretion!)
"
"accusingly jabbing my chest
with his finger, ""your mongrel's a pest!""
my new neighbour complained.
my surprise wasn't feigned:
it was my lawn where his dog had messed!
"
"the tourist in venice, you'll find,
is to architectonics inclined.
but here's a strange case?
though you live in the place,
as to buildings, venetian, you're blind!
"
"he would aristocratically ride
through his dukedom: behind, to one side,
rode the duchess, young earls,
and a troop of sweet girls
with the countess, his joy and his pride.
"
"bardic scholars in old aberystwyth
knew some lips that they yearned to be kissed with.
they saw them each day
down by cardigan bay
on a girl they all longed for a tryst with.
"
"armigeral duties are dire:
you're knackered, through some knight's desire
that you carry his armour?
you're only a farmer
who fancied the title ""esquire.""
"
"when your host serves his supper creation
far too hot, on the brink of cremation,
just blow on it sweetly,
politely, discreetly?
that's cooling it down by afflation.
"
"the state of my garden was crass,
so i planted some trees in a mass.
this  afforested  land
doesn't look like i planned,
'cause you can't see the wood for the grass!
"
"a fun-loving elder from maine,
on october vacation in spain,
was autumnally chic
in short dresses so sleek,
and determined to fall once again.
"
"now here's a remarkable thing:
in these times when the burglar is king,
apiculturists know
that their beehives won't go?
for what robber would risk such a sting?
"
"at birthdays, with grim regularity,
i'm careful to show gender parity,
presenting gold pieces
to nephews and nieces
with genial avuncularity.
"
"the score stands at deuce in the tennis:
next point for the umpire holds menace!
should he stutter, ""advantage
miss djurdjuvic-antic!""?
or try, ""disadvantage miss dennis!""?
"
"an ambitious young cockney named kevin
moved upmarket to south-west eleven.
its pagoda, its park,
bridge lit up in the dark?
here in battersea, kevin found heaven.
"
"i'm afraid there are rumours at large
that tonight's ""moonlight cruise on a barge""
will be strictly teetotal!
that's just anecdotal?
but it is mrs jarvis in charge!
"
"my mate terry (he plays the guitar)
reckons you, me, and him could go far.
we'd buy drums secondhand,
and we'd form a new band,
and we'd call it ""three beats in a bar.""
"
"in your grandmother's day (you'd forgotten?)
the bathing suit fashions were rotten.
with their skirts and their frills
they provided few thrills,
whereas now?they're just slivers of cotton!
"
"my backache's not caused by sciatica,
inflammation, or spasms rheumatic-a.
blame my spinal condition
on a yogic position
i tried on a trip to karnataka.
"
"not the loo, nor the wc,
not the john nor the khazi for me.
i don't mention the toilet,
little boys' room would spoil it,
the bathroom's the place where i pee.
"
"the baltic sea coast, beach and reed,
belongs to norwegian and swede,
pole, estonian, and dane,
german, finn, lithuan-
ian, of catholic or lutheran creed.
"
"on canal banks, recumbent bargees,
with their trousers rolled up past their knees,
lie and snooze in the sun
when their day's work is done,
their narrowboat cargoes at ease.
"
"the bar's set at two meters ten.
the athlete must clear it?and then?
if he's not too fatigued
(i can tell you're intrigued)
at two-twelve he must try it again!
"
"at the wedding of miss corleone,
though to weight gain her daddy was prone,
i did not call him ""pudge,""
lest i sleep in the sludge
with the fishes. the threat makes me groan.
"
"cried cassandra, ""don't bring that greek horse
into troy, or you'll feel great remorse!""
could she prophesy? yes.
but alas, one fine mess!
none believed her, so fate ran its course.
"
"when ed koch was the mayor, some jeered
saying, ""beauty queen bess is your beard.
to pretend you're not gay
you escort her, oy vey,
around town. such a tactic is weird.""
"
"when a guy holds debates with a chair
that is empty, the guy's not all there.
such a guy, crazy clint,
with a wild savage glint
in his eyes, cried, ""obama, beware!""
"
"since my pecs, abs and quads are quite cut,
on the beach i can swagger and strut.
i'm so ripped and so lean
i'm a sight to be seen
as my muscles all jaggedly jut.
"
"""sinful adam, you'll sweat when you're seedin'
the earth, once you're tossed out of eden.
sinful eve, giving birth,
you'll feel pain and not mirth,
since my orders you haven't been heedin'.""
"
"don alfonso said, ""look, guys cos?
fan tutte. just listen to me.
women all behave thus,
so do not make a fuss.
with my judgment you'll come to agree.""
"
"one dear daughter-in-law, loyal ruth,
to her shviger was never uncouth.
as for tamar, that shnur
whom her shver called impure
was found innocent. really? forsooth!
"
"a marvelous mezzo, elias,
has a voice which i praise without bias.
when she played cherubino,
her fans would say, ""we know
her caliber's simply the highest.""
"
"savage id battles stern superego
on the pathways of life on which we go.
""but your ego,"" says siggy,
""resolves this."" no biggie.
your ego's your loyal amigo.
"
"no, he hasn't been hitting the bottle,
and he hasn't a problem that's glottal?
he built tenochtitl?n
near teotihuac?n?
he's an aztec: he's speaking nahuatl.
"
"aromunian's spoken by few,
but, to take a historical view,
this minority tongue,
whether spoken or sung,
is just latin, developed anew.
"
"as a botanist, thirsty for knowledge,
you'll have learned of this bead-tree in college.
it's in java, you'll know,
where azedaracs grow,
fairly tall, with bipinnated fol'age.
"
"yes, the mediterranean's hue
looks a heavenly azury blue
from gibraltar, the rock.
but i'd find it a shock
if the red sea were red, wouldn't you?
"
"awash was the deck of my boat;
my old ark would not long stay afloat.
there was nothing to do
but to bail out the crew:
three gorillas, two pigs, and a goat.
"
"an azymite handed me bread.
i asked for ciabatta instead.
a catholic priest,
he could serve me no yeast?
so a greek one ensured i was fed.
"
"it's a wonderful shrub, the azalea:
if you plant it in sand, it won't fail ya;
it has blooms by the score,
and a scent to adore;
and it doesn't have thorns to impale ya.
"
"for my typing, my favourite face is
a plain one, no airs and no graces.
sans serif, this font
meets my every want.
why, i even type arial spaces!
"
"i've been to the danes' second city.
that's aarhus, well-ordered and pretty.
i would go there again,
using ferry and train,
if i had enough dosh in the kitty.
"
"the sense of adhibit?  no catch:
it's ""to use, to apply, to attach.""
since we know these words well,
send adhibit to hell?
it's superfluous, ripe for dispatch!
"
"virginia's high mountains are old,
and folks there live simple, i'm told,
where modernisation
just ain't appalachian,
and winters are fearsomely cold.
"
"dilemmas uniquely aleutian,
where a map must provide the solution:
just how do you say
if tomorrow's today
or if you're a yank or a roo-sian?
"
"amen corner, alas, is no more.
it was bombed in the second world war.
there monks in procession
en route to confession
cried ""aaaay-men!"" the centuries o'er.
"
"the parking attendant declined
to direct me to where i could find
a large enough bay
for my huge chevrolet?
the attendant result?  i got fined!
"
"if calligraphy's long been your bent,
but your zest for this alphabet's spent,
my muslim friend reckons
the alcoran beckons?
for you, as for him, heavensent.
"
"my knowledge of female anatomy,
its sinews and veins, doesn't flatter me.
when i press the wrong nerve
with libidinous verve,
my wife shouts out, ""ouch! don't do that to me!""
"
"anglocentrism's likely effects
would be these: in so many respects
blair would do his own thing?
not be led on a string
by a cowboy from crawford, tx.
"
"we must not confuse with sterility
our grasp of the crucial ability
to stop overmanning
through family planning?
the practice of antifertility.
"
"to protect my great-grandmother's chair
against grease or superfluous hair,
she resorted to bedrest
and crocheted a headrest?
that antimacassar's still there.
"
"the hills of the apennine chain
attract most of italy's rain.
so wear your fedora
when with your signora,
although you'll look frightfully vain.
"
"? paris, in the place de l'?toile,
the arc de triomphe ever shall
remind frenchmen they are
the top nation by far,
liberated, fraternal, ?gale.
"
"crossing niagara falls with a brolly
is an action of consummate folly.
yet blondin succeeded,
by fear unimpeded,
and thought the experience jolly.
"
"oh no!  hear that knock on the door?
it's that bloodsucker, asking for more,
that collector of debts,
who will feel no regrets
when i'm ruined, bled dry on the floor.
"
"the call of the bittern's unique,
for it booms 'twixt the reeds in a creek.
all the other birds titter,
preferring to twitter
or warble, or chirrup, or shriek.
"
"a fertile young couple from trent
(six kids in six years!), feeling spent,
to achieve moderation?
a two-year gradation?
made sex a biennial event.
"
"my parents would constantly bicker.
mum said sauce should be thinner; dad, thicker.
they would fight in the rain
over whether the train
or the bus to the airport was quicker.
"
"the lines by his lips drooping down,
knitted brow in perpetual frown,
from the agelast's birth
he's shown no signs of mirth?
yet he's worked all his life as a clown.
"
"at the bridge club's biannual dinners,
mrs jarvis's speeches are winners.
she says the same thing
every autumn and spring,
but it always impresses beginners!
"
"astrological portents perusing,
over omens and scriptures enthusing,
quite obsessed by a star,
this wise man from afar?
is afar the language he's using?
"
"normal codes of behaviour must bend,
since this drought shows no sign of an end.
here's new rule number one:
to stay clean, but have fun,
save on water, and bath with a friend!
"
"a republican governor, christie,
slashed new jersey state spending. ""we're pissed. he
has attacked us. our tsores
makes us protest in chorus,""
weep the teachers, their eyes growing misty.
"
"some may die in a hospital johnny.
then again, there is clyde, and there's bonnie.
robbing banks was their game.
""gun them down!"" was the aim
of the lawmen. sing hey-nonny-nonny.
"
"anapestic? my favorite meter.
like the name antoinette?nothing sweeter.
but i won't be a lemming.
i ignore t-a-m-ing,
though i'm barred from the gate by saint peter.
"
"tony hayward, the chief of bp,
in confusion cried out, ""golly gee!""
was incompetence showing?
oil spillage keeps flowing
in the gulf, now a sad, blackened sea.
"
"the prime minister goofed. gordon brown
made a gaffe. some may smirk; some may frown.
was ""that woman"" a ""bigot""?
gordon turned on a spigot
of derision. some call him a clown.
"
"i adore salted cod?bacalao?
baked with portuguese seasoning. wow!
a sad fado i'll sing
if the waiter can't bring
me a dish with that fish as my chow.
"
"pedro never is rude or uncouth
to his actress penelope cruz.
almod?var in spain
said, ""you're queen, so your reign
and your oscar i toast, with vermouth.""
"
"the scythe-wielding angel of death
pays a visit to snuff out the breath
of those who flout fate.
for example, there's nate,
whose sad lifespan was shortened by meth.
"
"hugo chavez said, ""s?, the u.s.
is the reason the world's in a mess.
there's a devil named bush
whom i'll knock on his tush.
i'm supported by chomsky, no less.""
"
"once for cosmo, scott posed in the nude.
then with martha, that dude had a feud.
when ted kennedy died,
brown and coakley both vied
for his seat. bay state voters were wooed.
"
"sound a fanfare for bath. tan-ta-ra!
english city and old roman spa,
and a byword for fashion
to such as beau nash, an'
jane austen, who went with mama!
"
"throttle jammed, so we're wrapped round a tree,
but the airbags have saved you and me.
though the windbag behind
(your mother)?they'll find
that i'd throttled her long before tea.
"
"in belgium, the beer is so strong
that no tourist stays sober for long.
in ostend or in ghent
all his money's soon spent,
and his fremish and flench sound all wrong!
"
"it's the last word beginning with a
that my lexicon features today:
any unleavened cake
is an azymous bake,
and the passover bread's made that way.
"
"meet my sister!  she's nubile and biddable!
her appetite's fierce and formidable!
she'll attend to the dreams
of whole basketball teams!
(you believe me?  you're easily kiddable!)
"
"by the door in a tokyo bar
stands a man with a turkish cigar.
see, he's not from japan?he
is azerbaijani.
he caught the wrong plane in dakar.
"
"some chilean species of tree
pose particular puzzles.  s?, s?!
araucarian features
confuse simple creatures?
especially monkeys like me.
"
"when the princess was born out of wedlock,
it caused constitutional deadlock.
and the giveaway sign
that the bastard was mine?
no blonde tresses ? one cute little dreadlock!
"
"black sea bound, with a cargo of phosphorus,
we were boarded and bound in the bosphorus.
but these turks disagreed
as to how to proceed
and the two pirate camps chose to toss for us.
"
"both jacuzzis and pools are pass?!
to unwind at the end of the day,
you simply must have a
cascade of hot lava
(hawaiian term: a'a).  okay?
"
"the adderwort won't do your math,
or bite if it crosses your path,
but its stems, gnarled and thick,
are a cure if you're sick?
you could steep them in wine in your bath!
"
"in arthurian tales they romance a lot:
the knights and their mistresses dance a lot;
the fair guinevere's charms
summon arthur to arms;
and the noble king jousts with his lancelot.
"
"if you're feeling unhealthily hot,
your shaman may give you a tot
of an aesculic acid,
to help you feel placid?
from chestnut-bark, likely as not.
"
"an asylum's a safe, sheltered place
you might seek when your tribe's in disgrace,
and the rest want to sack you,
to rape you, attack you,
because of your creed or your race.
"
"in his bentley we drove to his yacht,
he appraising en route what i'd got.
with a smile quite fluorescent,
""my fortune's accrescent,""
he beamed. ""but yours, plainly, is not.""
"
"i once knew a fellow called seth,
who claimed he'd experienced death,
but he may well have meant
an apneic event?
just a brief interruption of breath.
"
"there are issues i need to address
before they start causing me stress:
lack of fitness; poor health;
cheating friends; loss of wealth;
and that murder i ought to confess. . . .
"
"in a long english river, to date,
i've bought five little islands ? they're great!
on the next one i'm buying
the plants are all dying?
yet i yearn for my sick severn ait!
"
"some examples of current affairs
are the doings of bushes and blairs,
news of hostages missing,
and senators kissing
their secretaries under the stairs.
"
"auschwitz.  the name will chill cold
when its scandal's six hundred years old.
we must always abhor
the putrescence of war,
so its story must still be retold.
"
"eating too much p?t? de foie gras,
i have increased my avoirdupois.
all my kids tell me that
i am portly, not fat.
('cos i bribe them with chocolate!  voil?!)
"
"an unfortunate man from peru
went dressed up as a bear to the zoo.
as he roamed thus attired,
all the keepers conspired
to entrap him ? he's locked in cage two!
"
"i may paint all my atriums white
in order to maximise light,
as they soar from the floor
seven storeys or more?
no, i've not built them yet?but i might!
"
"""despite the effect,"" the shrink said,
""of this axe being lodged in his head,
no emotion he shows;
his affectlessness grows.""
""could that be,"" i enquired, ""'cos he's dead?""
"
"i got sunstroke when visiting bali.
through the fever, my wife looked like kali.
indonesian beaches
seemed peopled with peaches,
like paintings by salvador dali.
"
"""buy my fruit, try a burgamy pear!""
""come and look at me dance with a bear!""
""see the black tattooed man
from remote hindustan!""
?the delights of bartholomew fair.
"
"mrs jarvis's art exhibition
will display, ""with the artist's permission,""
her own drawings and sketchings,
her paintings and etchings,
""in a style reminiscent of titian.""
"
"the avalanche hurtled downhill,
whilst below, some cried, ""stay, come what will!""
the applicability
of such imbecility
in this situation is nil.
"
"samuel barber's adagio for strings
can transport me to bliss on its wings.
his concerto for cello
is also quite mellow,
but his essays?  ephemeral things!
"
"it wasn't apparent to me
just why antimony's symbol's sb.
this helped me a little:
reactively, it'll
form sulphides called stibnite, you see.
"
"my ambition?  i had to pursue it;
all my life i'd been longing to do it.
but today the chance came
to win fortune and fame,
and i froze.  i just flunked it.  i blew it.
"
"my cerements are ready and waiting;
i'm through with the solemn debating!
i shall go to my grave
dressed as if for a rave:
my funeral garb is elating!
"
"some hors d'oeuvres with a glass of chablis?
then we'll eat coq au vin, ma ch?rie.
and before le caf?
i shall serve cr?me br?l?e.
so enjoy it all!  bon app?tit!
"
"if to learn aymara is your choice,
in bolivia, discover your voice.
on the old potos? line,
way up past the treeline,
you'll meet folks to chat with?rejoice!
"
"mrs jarvis's latest idea
is a barn dance to mark the new year.
the plan's not too crafty?
her barn's pretty draughty.
gay gordons in ski-suits, i fear!
"
"the orchestra found the right key
for the brandenberg (fifth one, in d).
but the cembalist (solo)
was drunk on barolo
and played a toccata in g!
"
"as we traversed the desert, our jeep
hit a pyramid, stony and steep.
thus our progress was checked,
for our lorry was wrecked.
our driver had fallen asleep!
"
"my doggie was given a feast
by a bighearted butcher?a beast,
since his generous present
seemed much more unpleasant
when rover keeled over, deceased.
"
"on ascension there's quite a commotion!
at this minuscule speck in the ocean
a ship has arrived,
and its crew has contrived
to win all the young ladies' devotion!
"
"the ticket clerk peered through her grille.
in a voice sounding nervous and shrill,
""wh-wh-where to?"" she stuttered.
""andover,"" hank muttered.
she passed him a fifty-pound bill!
"
"i'm a chilled-out and indolent fellow,
so aftergrass makes me feel mellow.
it's the grass that is grown
when the first lot's been mown?
and i watch it dry up and turn yellow!
"
"the locusts swarmed in from phoenicia,
and stripped out my beds of aubrietia.
now i note with a sniff
that it looks just as if
i've a case of backyard alopecia.
"
"of copacabana i dream;
my love for bel?m is extreme;
for recife i'd die?
a brazil nut am i!
the almendron's my tree, it would seem.
"
"there's a national shortage of hay,
and the oats weren't delivered today.
if the horses get leaner,
they'll sack the avener?
so he's feeding them apple puree.
"
"though the firm trinitarians heed
the verbose athanasian creed,
the apostles' is fine
for holding the line
on belief?and a much better read!
"
"when i taught them my cute appendectomy,
my students showed little respect to me.
they would hiss as i cut
each appendix from gut,
for they wanted to learn hysterectomy.
"
"armageddon, a heritage site:
""...so we welcome you here, and invite
you to see our display
on 'the last judgement day,'
and our 'hades' show.  have a nice night!""
"
"""our teachers have no right to fine us,
or grade all our projects d-minus!""
but we've heard this before; you're
a barrack-room lawyer.
you're lucy.  we're charlie and linus.
"
"i know of agonadal creatures,
which, lacking those sexual features
required for creation
of each generation,
enthralled my biology teachers.
"
"being atherogenic in diet,
i cannot advise that you try it,
for the fat i consume
takes up far too much room
in my blood vessels?i can't deny it.
"
"as the festival drew to a close,
the consumption of alcohol rose.
orgiastic activities
fed carnal proclivities
in its last bacchanalian throes.
"
"""higher score wins the lot,"" said my friend?
and he threw three-and-two.  don't depend
on my fortune, my son!
i threw ambs-ace (one-one).
my ill luck stayed intact till the end.
"
"from a number eleven alighting
(""at your own risk"", it warned, in bold writing)
when it rounded a bend,
i bruised my rear end,
but i still found it rather exciting!
"
"god help us poor elderly souls?
mrs jarvis has taken up bowls!
her confusion on bias
is certain to try us,
and she thinks that the aim's to score goals!
"
"sweeping out my orcadian floors,
gutting fish on the hebrides' shores,
and harvesting chillies
on lesser antilles
are archipelagian chores.
"
"her capriciousness shows itself daily:
in the space of an hour, she will gaily
favour kant, scaramouche,
or george w. bush,
then say, ""lenin's my role-model, really.""
"
"my own avifaunal collection
precedes darwin's laws of selection:
i based my ph.d.
on 10 million bc,
when all birds were still forward projection!
"
"here's a note from my old alma mum, ni-
cely seeking the gift of a sum, nigh
on two million bucks!
for a pond??  and some ducks!!!
will they ever stop fleecing alumni?
"
"bratislava? you mean in slovakia?
i know of no city that's wackier!
under communist rule
(back when i was at school),
the whole place was decidedly tackier!
"
"the head chef recommends the banoffi:
it's a pie with bananas and coffee.
if you pour on some cream
it will taste like a dream!
and the calories?  no more than toffee!
"
"wherever a boundary's shared,
there are grievances ripe to be aired.
for conterminous rights
cause unneighbourly fights.
if they escalate, war is declared.
"
"to apostatise means to abjure
those beliefs, of which once you were sure,
such as: parents are foolish;
my teachers are mulish;
my company pension's secure.
"
"at avignon, history frowned
on the bridge where they danced ""all in round"".
there they took their own pope
in er-rh?ne-eous hope
that his claim roman rule would confound.
"
"when my boss came to give me the sack,
i threw up (had a bilious attack)!
pre-chewed bacon and eggs
swooshed all over his legs.
and he still says he won't have me back!
"
"to the opera i went, with my cutie.
an aristocrat, handsome but snooty,
swept her off for champagne...
i've not seen her again,
but, as mozart said, ""cos? fan tutte.""
"
"at the weight watchers barbecue bash,
mrs jarvis announced, ""pounds will crash!
what great pains i have taken
to thin-slice the bacon
and flavour the cucumber mash!""
"
"it's the scouts' and girl guides' summer ball.
mrs jarvis has managed it all.
she's ensured that guide fashions
inflame no scout passions,
and the dance band is pure henry hall.
"
"today's celebratory drink
is for many good reasons, i think:
i've just turned sixty-seven;
my wife's gone to heaven;
my x-ray shows i'm in the pink.
"
"the huge breakers come pounding ashore,
and each wave hits the beach with a roar.
all ashiver, i stand
with my board on the strand,
and i wish i enjoyed surfing more!
"
"it was named for a ruler of rome,
though now turkish in soul, mosque and dome.
in constantinople
the purchase of dope'll
be easier far than at home.
"
"they were arsonists both, refused bail,
facing time for their crimes, locked in jail,
when their passion's new flame
trumped their fire-raising fame?
now the love match they've struck will prevail.
"
"like the statue of david in art,
this bear has one tiny-sized part.
though pooh's brain may be small,
since he has one at all
he's not anencephalic?he's smart!
"
"on the tapestry hung in bayeux
see the tale of the saxons' adieu:
they let facial hair grow
but have pas de chevaux;
mounted normans have pas de cheveux.
"
"unknown to the veterinarian,
no carnivore, no vegetarian,
the first eagle you'll meet
that's without beak or feet?
this heraldic device, the allerion.
"
"uriah the hittite was furious;
towards david his plans were injurious.
re bathsheba, his wife
and the joy of his life,
the monarch had seemed over-curious.
"
"a south african touring yosemite
was heard to cry out, ""a calamity!
i've been bit by a shark,
lost my leg in the park?
it must have migrated from amity!""
"
"js bach, to his wife, on retiring:
""my new fugue needs a little inspiring?
come, my dear, let's be wild,
and risk just one more child!
be the joy of this german's desiring!""
"
"antoninus was simply appalled.
he found scotland improperly walled!
so he had one projected,
erected, inspected?
but what was the blessed thing called?!
"
"outshining all others at night
with its arc-lamps and searchlights so bright
(i've no inhibitions
re carbon emissions),
my home's a conspicuous sight.
"
"rolling downland, and suburbs, and parks,
yeoman farmers, commuter-train clerks,
chalk white horses on hills,
windsor castle (""there's wills!"").
this is berkshire ? in shortened form, berks.
"
"if in crowds you display geniality
and with others you find new vitality,
but you find equal zest
far away from the rest,
ambiversion is your personality.
"
"astrophysicists study the sky,
all those heavenly bodies on high:
stars' secrets laid bare
(how could tabloids compare?)
thanks to astrophotography's eye.
"
"with an allergy susan was stricken,
for algins would cause her to sicken.
her son-in-law, flustered,
put some in her custard.
the plot and the pudding both thicken.
"
"if you hope to get my feline pet
in the bath without breaking a sweat,
without suff'ring a slash
or a swift, soaking splash ?
if you think that, my friend, you're all wet.
"
"there's many a sequence of three
from the alphabet like adc,
but i fear that without
knowing what they're about,
they're no more than linguistic debris.
"
"to report the import of asperity,
i'd say harshness, ill temper ? severity.
of a person, he's gruff;
of a surface, it's rough.
crossing either demands great dexterity.
"
"what's the weather like, there in the strait?
well, i asked the aerographer's mate.
seems a storm's blowing through,
so there's nothing to do
but berate the sad state of our fate.
"
"though the baker put on a good show
tossing disks made of raw pizza dough,
still, a pie plate's the thing
for a long-distance fling:
better aerodynamics, you know.
"
"if i ever revisit japan,
i shall choose the american plan,
for though most places there
feature fish much too rare,
the hotel serves superb steak diane.
"
"asiago is two kinds of cheese,
but to tell which is which is a breeze:
the ripe sort is harder,
and smells up the larder.
i favor the fresh, if you please.
"
"to hear spoken azeri, yer man
goes to baku, in azerbaijan.
he might as well seek it
where more people speak it?
in neighbouring northwest iran.
"
"i am quaking and shaking inside.
by a jury they've said i'll be tried!
can't they put all the facts
to the agate and axe
and let axinomancy decide?
"
"a mile or so off casablanca
my felucca was riding at anchor.
i reclined on the deck?
but then cried, ""what the heck...?!""
when capsized by the wake of a tanker!
"
"an honest grub-hunter, named mowat,
when accosted by wordsworth, the poet,
asking twice, and then thrice,
""are those leeches, or lice?""
said, ""i'll tell thee, lad, where tha can stow it!""
"
"the design of my house is unsound,
since the doors are all perfectly round,
but the architraves there
are defiantly square,
by tradition unhelpfully bound.
"
"the addition of pillars and gates
to small houses on modest estates:
such aggrandisement wasteful
(and not at all tasteful)
oneupmanship surely creates.
"
"though assyrians, crossly, could curse in it
(babylonians managed much worse in it!),
in iraq of today
the akkadian way
doesn't tempt many folk to converse in it.
"
"will this airplane fall out of the sky?
if a dvt strikes, will i die?
actuarial questions?
or autosuggestions?
no matter: too risky to fly!
"
"after visiting various bars
i developed an interest in mars.
by astronomy captured,
i gazed up, enraptured,
walked into a tree, and saw stars!
"
"while she sang as she fried up the bacon,
all rhythm and pitch were forsaken.
the bizarre fusillade
of her morning aubade
meant i never looked forward to wakin'.
"
"when a substance diffuses, the flow
goes from high concentration to low.
to reverse that descent
takes some energy spent:
active transport entails quid pro quo.
"
"most faeries and queenes will attest,
they enjoy alexandrines the best.
with six iambs per line
it's a fine old design,
but sounds peculiar when you're used to anapest.
"
"ariadne, a princess of crete,
helped athenian theseus cheat.
once his razor-sharp knife
took the minotaur's life,
'twas her thread marked the path for his feet.
"
"though aliment brightens your mood,
whether microwaved, roasted, or stewed,
you'll encounter frustration
in alimentation:
some grocers don't know it means ""food.""
"
"though all day we've been crouching in ditches,
with dogtags and ammo and itches,
we cannot afford
to get careless or bored,
or our aidman will have us in stitches.
"
"last night wayward witches ran free.
i gave gifts in response to their plea.
but today i will praise
holy saints and their ways,
for today is all saints' day, you see.
"
"something antipoetic declines
to fit poetry's rules: that defines
what is meant by the word.
some examples conferred
are an ode that's absurd,
sonnet meter that's blurred,
or a lim'rick with two extra lines.
"
"said the governess, ""ions, let's glide.
all the way to the cathode we'll slide.""
grumbled anion, ""no!
i'm repelled.  i won't go!""
""such a negative charge,"" nanny sighed.
"
"while held in dark winter's cold thrall,
i so oft find it hard to recall
that beneath her deep snows
lies the earth in repose,
to awaken at april's loud squall.
"
"city council was made ill at ease
not by grievances, writs, or decrees;
but its leader, remiss,
called on ""alderman chris.""
""alderwoman,"" she huffed, ""if you please.""
"
"""what you seek,"" the geologist said,
""is called anglesite ? sulfate of lead.
find a white crystal spike
on the ground as you hike,
but it's brittle, so watch where you tread.""
"
"if hiking and climbing enthrall
but unfortunate spills you recall,
go and trade in your stick
for an alpenstock, quick:
get a metal-tipped grip and don't fall.
"
"andradite often is seen
with a brownish-grey crystalline sheen.
it's a garnet that's found
buried deep underground;
as a gemstone it's most often green.
"
"rick traced the acrostic with glee.
""hey, i've aced every clue?lucky me!
i will now, unrehearsed,
read the first letters first,
revealing its camouflaged key!""
"
"i offered an anodyne thought;
no offense was intended or sought.
but your nose out of joint meant
an anodyne ointment
now soothes the black eye that i caught.
"
"there once was a lass with a curse:
to define many words, all in verse,
then embellish each one
with a chuckle or pun?
and in all of five lines!  (now that's terse.)
"
"though you took a bad fall off a wall,
broke your leg, had to crawl through a squall,
then got mauled by a hound?
there's a dime on the ground.
see, today's not so bad, all in all.
"
"when alien monsters break free
and attack in a brain-eating spree,
don't jump up in alarm, lest
you jostle your armrest
and topple your drink on my knee.
"
"when athenian soldiers arrive,
poor andromache's captured alive.
but we still respect her,
the wife of dead hector,
as asteroid one-seven-five.
"
"things flavored, and scented, and dyed
thanks to aldehydes, al takes in stride;
but a bumblebee lured
to a bottle and cured
in formaldehyde sent al to hide.
"
"those roaches prefer now to dwell
in this trap full of poisonous gel!
they just shrug off the drug,
snug as bugs in a rug,
or some insect apartment hotel.
"
"her clothing has always been trashy;
her hair, which was blonde, is now ashy.
her locks have gone grey,
and her figure astray,
but at least her rolls-royce is still flashy!
"
"as she stretched her long legs on the beach,
all the lads thought her balance a peach,
but not one had the nerve
to touch her forward curve,
and her asset was quite out of reach.
"
"said a seal, as she scanned the snow greyly,
""antarctica's desolate, prey-ly.
a penguin a day
may keep hunger away,
but not just a daily ad?lie.""
"
"with luck she was lavishly blessed,
but her airmanship wasn't the best.
when a cyclone touched ground,
she was spun all around;
she and toto misplaced the midwest.
"
"when a neuron has something to do,
it lets sodium ions accrue.
the result is an action
potential transaction;
the axon then carries it through.
"
"activation analysis is
a bewildering, byzantine biz.
see what samples emit
when by neutrons they're hit;
try to pass the atomic pop quiz.
"
"aeonic: of boundless duration,
like having a phone conversation
with dear uncle john
as he goes on and on
in the tale of his last operation.
"
"an ascot's a type of cravat ?
a tie, that is ? worn with a hat,
waistcoat, trousers, and tails
by the finest-dressed males
with whom 'liza at ascot did chat.
"
"if it's varnish or lacquer you brew,
or you're cooking up some sort of glue,
you'll need all kinds of goop
in your chemical soup ?
that includes c3h4o2.
"
"if you seek the right tempo to use,
andantino is apt to confuse.
for andante you ""walk,""
but at -tino we balk:
is it slower or faster? you choose.
"
"andantino means play somewhat fast:
a bit less than a second goes past
for each metronome click
when a drumstick you flick
or when trumpets amassed give a blast.
"
"algaroba refers to a tree:
the mesquite or the carob, you see.
both can make things taste good,
with their pods or their wood,
but they seem plenty different to me.
"
"tell me how many atoms you'll see
in one mole? avogadro's the key:
it's a number vaudevillian?
six hundred sextillion!?
that makes pv equal rt.
"
"though you may think i'm being facetious,
and using a term that is specious,
if all of your life
you've exploited your wife
like a parasite ? friend, you're autoecious.
"
"autochthonous rocks may be found
at the place where they formed in the ground.
an autochthonous clot
comes from blood on the spot,
and autochthonous clans stick around.
"
"a trayful of sweetmeats just bores
this small seabird of northerly shores;
so don't give an auklet
your fine gourmet chocolate,
for plankton is what it adores.
"
"though a stethoscope's cold application
may prove an unpleasant sensation,
if doc hears a wheeze
it's a sign of disease:
auscultation could be your salvation.
"
"if word choices cause you frustration,
be tricky and try affixation.
from store, get restore,
storage, storing, and more ?
like substoral, my latest creation.
"
"to observe the right star in the sky,
aim your gaze up exactly so high.
but describing that angle of
elevation's a tangle of
numbers i cannot supply.
"
"little mary extracted, near lyme,
a curious shell from the slime.
ammonitic, her find,
of the fossilised kind,
was preserved since the cradle of time.
"
"when she moved to quebec from the keys,
she would constantly shiver and sneeze,
since she skimped preparation
(acclimatisation)
for ice-storms that howled round her knees.
"
"my accounts are long since in the red,
i've made firewood of table and bed,
all my assets are sold,
i've no silver, no gold:
i am bankrupt.  your bill won't get paid.
"
"mrs jarvis, who never thinks small,
staged a ballet in cam village hall.
but tchaikovsky's swan lake
proved a major mistake
when a swan broke her hip in a fall.
"
"van beethoven, ludwig: musician;
nine symphonies (brilliant technician!);
sonatas you know,
like the moonlight; and so,
despite deafness, beats all competition!
"
"let no nouns of assemblage be banned!
exaltations of larks grace the land;
groups of peacocks are musters,
and stars shine in clusters,
while fesnyngs of ferrets are grand!
"
"an allotment's a small garden plot
with a potting shed, where you can pot,
or just puff on your pipe
and avoid all the hype.
but grow vegetables?  probably not!
"
"with his smiles and his false bonhomie
and his back-slapping flattery, he
is the conman who sold me
this truck, which he told me
could run on a tank filled with tea!
"
"he deduced from her flimsy attire
her intention to kindle desire.
in her boudoir, he knew,
was a bed made for two?
and her girlfriend.  his hopes rose no higher.
"
"when ronnie selected his nancy,
he used no alectryomancy.
such a use of your cock
(no, i don't mean to shock!)
is a fowl way to find who you fancy!
"
"my card's swallowed up by the cashpoint!
bank computers have too low a crash-point.
i can't get my money,
i don't find it funny,
my temper is reaching its flashpoint...
"
"if i write about brian boru,
don't look blank, or politely ask ""who?""
this hibernian chief,
unlike most, came to grief
in his tent.  bold sir brian, adieu!
"
"""to develop new word forms aphetically,
remove leading vowels, phonetically.""
through such memoranda
my sis became 'manda?
superior, she reckons, 'sthetically.
"
"my barque has three masts?that's the score?
square-rigged on the main and the fore,
fore-and-aft on the mizen.
the question's arisen:
would it help if the masts numbered more?
"
"you've forgotten my birthday again!
how on earth can you cause me such pain?
it would not have been hard
just to send me a card:
""happy birthday, osama!    love, jane.""
"
"when a team-building day was suggested,
an abseiling course was requested.
dangle blokes from a rope?
you haven't a hope!
our descent skills are best left untested!
"
"he smiles; his words hang on the breeze,
and you're longing to whisper, ""yes, please!""
but your hunky svengali
is native to bali.
(you've never been taught balinese.)
"
"there's a seaport in spain called cadiz.
if you say it, it rhymes with beneath.
you protest all you like,
even walk out on strike:
i'm tho thorry, but that'th how it eeth.
"
"'gainst cape wrath every element tilts.
seabirds huddle in feathery quilts.
piercing winds howl and rage
at each seasonal stage,
and the locals hold tight to their kilts!
"
"the convolvulus, a.k.a. bindweed,
held our rosebushes firmly entwined.  we'd
unwind it and spray it,
try all ways to slay it,
in vain.  it's a won't-be-confined weed.
"
"i gave you permission to write,
for i knew it would bring me delight;
but your voice is so shrill,
like a dentist's new drill?
no one authorized you to recite!
"
"when something conforms to the facts,
or it fits how one typically acts,
or it's not imitation,
or lacks alteration,
authentic's the name it attracts.
"
"the appeal felt by most, i would say,
as they celebrate presidents' day,
isn't national pride
for the leaders they've tried,
but a day of vacation, with pay.
"
"though she made aliyah last july,
esther found tel aviv much too dry.
now she plans to convert
and go live in a yurt,
to give inner mongolia a try.
"
"get used to this polar location,
the cold and the bare isolation.
the snow's off the chart,
so you might as well start
acclimation to life at the station.
"
"this birth brings a new situation;
it's pointless to feel aggravation.
the sooner that you
bid your free time adieu,
the sooner you'll start acclimation.
"
"i bought a new fish for my tank,
and i dumped it right in, but it sank.
acclimation, it seems,
is important for breams.
(i fished this one out 'fore it stank.)
"
"when constructing a fungal disease
against weeds, or perhaps against fleas,
make it hunger for food
that will not be renewed.
this auxotrophy stops a reprise.
"
"the hot water flows, if i'm gentle.
the blinds won't go up, but my rent'll.
one neighbor's a strumpet,
one's learning the trumpet?
the joys of a life apartmental.
"
"in a car run by sunlight we toured.
""yes, our solar cells' strength is assured!
their absorbance is vast,
so less light will get past.""
on we sped ? 'til the sun was obscured.
"
"all your carbon's in strings?  aliphatic.
in benzene hex rings?  aromatic.
the cycles remain,
but it acts like a chain?
alicyclic is idiomatic.
"
"""and now, mi amigo, your horse?
that includes those alforjas, of course.""
in his need or his greed,
he who stole my fine steed
and my saddlebags showed no remorse.
"
"the phoenician queen deity of
fertility, warfare, and love
(to the hebrews, the same
bore the ""ashtoreth"" name)
had for symbols the bull and the dove.
"
"""the science of gases at rest
and of lighter-than-air craft,"" she stressed?
""in short, aerostatics?
ballooning fanatics
must learn for the licensing test.""
"
"should atherogenesis loom,
less cholesterol must you consume,
else the fats will collect
'til your artery's wrecked
and your ticker's tape talks of your doom.
"
"if you drive with excessive velocity,
inattention might cause an atrocity.
we'll tarry to see
your horrific debris,
stopping traffic to quell curiosity.
"
"i assumed i'd been given a scam beer,
but she told me, ""it isn't a sham, dear.""
i drank it, obtuse?
it was pure 'baccy juice,
which in dixie they speak of as ambeer.
"
"when you're building a polymer chain,
many side groups attach to the main.
if they're not all aligned,
nor in pairs intertwined,
it's atactic, not fibers' domain.
"
"my country and i are depressed,
for our values are shaky at best.
we have traded ideals
for more automobiles;
now by anomie we are possessed.
"
"animators give life to cartoons
and enliven your dull afternoons.
i bought sketches one drew?
now i'm dating her, too!
see? not all of us buffs are buffoons!
"
"allowances seldom worth making
are for dentists whose hands won't stop shaking,
for policemen who lie,
or for lenders who try
to get rich on the interest they're taking.
"
"look what this 'ere pickpocket's found!
though he swears it just fell on the ground,
it's your belcher, i'll warrant!
his crime is abhorrent:
such a kerchief would cost you a pound!
"
"a barquentine, some will remark,
has three masts in a row like a barque,
but square-rigged at the bow,
others fore-and-aft.  how
would you choose which to use for an ark?
"
"her cheeks were like smooth alabaster,
that translucent white cousin of plaster.
he wanted to press them,
to squeeze and caress them.
she'd have let him if only he'd asked her!
"
"an irishman, name of mahoney,
kept a pig that he rode like a pony.
sitting close to the ground
was much safer, he found...
this tale is a load of baloney.
"
"that carton was just over there:
strong white cardboard, three feet or so square.
it was sealed up with tape
to prevent an escape.
it's been shifted to goodness knows where!
"
"not a trick of the light through a prism,
nor a knicker-drawer sundered by schism:
my old glory pants
have been shredded by ants!
is this anti-americanism??
"
"as we travelled the road to beijing
(china's capital, once called peking),
the roadsign displaying it
gave no help in saying it?
a curious, picture-like thing.
"
"her rejection of fun was excused,
for bereavement had left her so bruised:
when colonial sultanas
tripped up on bananas,
victoria wasn't amused.
"
"when your daughter comes down in the morning,
steel washers her nostrils adorning,
brass bolts through her ear
(and her nipples, you fear!),
your ""miss universe"" hopes die a-borning.
"
"epileptics might find that their plight
is incited by bright, blinking light,
but for some it is found
from a sudden, loud sound:
it's an audiogenic fright blight.
"
"anarchism's simply explained,
but to many, the term has been stained.
so for those who'd rebel,
here's the meaning i'd tell:
interactions should not be constrained.
"
"those who seek expertise arbitrational
tell me troubles in tones conversational.
then they pay me my price?
and ignore my advice.
it's a hazard, i fear, occupational.
"
"you're drowsing ? been browsing our site
from near noon to the dark of the night.
now you're moved to create?
then you're authorized, mate:
keep those author eyes open and write!
"
"the fount aganippe saw birth
when great pegasus stamped in the earth.
'twas a nymphly abode
whose bright waters bestowed
inspiration 'gainst poetry's dearth.
"
"agnoiology ponders the flow
and the ebb of the things we can't know:
such as ""wherefore a rose?""
or ""do martians wear clothes?""
or ""does god have a really big toe?""
"
"king kong, that colossal gorilla,
once battled the mighty godzilla.
the lizard fought well,
but fell prey to the smell
from kong's armpit; that is, his axilla.
"
"me fine jolly roger tattoo meant
i knowed what ""attack an' pursue"" meant.
i gained great repute,
not t' mention the loot.
arr, a crew meant a life of accruement!
"
"my skin isn't apt to seduce,
with these blisters that ooze and peel loose.
i've tried all sorts of gunge,
from green mud to axunge?
still, i'd rather be me than the goose.
"
"if a greek or a roman buffet be
where downhearted girls are, then maybe
to ask one to dine
you should ask, ""come recline
(that's accumb) with me, melancholy baby!""
"
"maurizio, anglice morris,
joined a coro, or anglice, chorus.
he made roma his home?
that is, anglice rome?
and learned english from roget's thesaurus.
"
"""i dug up some slate,"" you declare.
""you've no cleavage,"" i say, and you glare.
""no, the rock,"" i explain.
""you can't break off a plane.
must be argillite.  keep it; it's rare.""
"
"she's a mermaid in shades albinotic:
surprising, alluring, hypnotic.
her pale scales and tail
make me flounder and flail,
this exotic, erotic aquatic.
"
"though the student's intentions were good,
his attention still strayed where it would.
""aw, teacher, i tried!""
""but your mind's not applied.
so: detention. is that understood?""
"
"ere chemicals start to react,
they need energy added ? that's fact.
but you need far less heat
thanks to enzymes' neat feat
in your gastrointestinal tract.
"
"it isn't your fault, i assure you,
her beauty has managed to lure you.
i assign all the blame
to that dissolute dame. . . .
still, i find that i cannot endure you.
"
"adminicula serve as a prop
so that parts of your body don't drop.
they lend their support
where you find yourself short,
much like bumming ten bucks from your pop.
"
"when light on a surface is shone,
with the angle of incidence known,
thanks to snell's law the angle
of refraction we wangle;
reflection's is incoming's clone.
"
"take two lines, with a third drawn transverse.
of eight angles, four pairs are converse.
those are alternate angles.
(a picture untangles
the yarn, but this verse is too terse.)
"
"lithium, sodium (shun!),
potassium (used in a gun),
rubidium, francium,
cesium ? fancy 'em?
alkali metals (group i).
"
"o g, irresistible one!
thy hand moves the earth 'round the sun.
in time i shall yield
to the pull of thy field,
though i fear i shall find me undone.
"
"when the high, cloudless sky is ablaze
and no fronts mar the forecast for days,
then the weatherman's topic
is called barotropic:
the atmosphere's smooth as a glaze.
"
"father matthew was every monk's friend,
and his counsel was sure to transcend
with words holy and sage,
till the hand of old age
spelled his thirty-year abbacy's end.
"
"my doctors are gravely emphatic:
i'm in serious trouble hepatic.
but for now, one last fling,
since i don't feel a thing.
for the moment, i'm asymptomatic.
"
"you're peculiar and freakish, i fear.
your aberrancy's ample, it's clear.
you're atypical, weird;
like a duck with a beard ?
and that's why i adore you, my dear.
"
"i bade him his story to tell,
unaware that on details he'd dwell;
on and on did he drone,
every word overblown,
'til i bade him a hasty farewell.
"
"how does air behave, up in the skies?
will my spoiler design win a prize?
could i model this plane?
all this runs through her brain
when an aerodynamicist flies.
"
"appropriative barely describes
the settlers who tricked native tribes.
with deceit and demands
they laid claim to the lands,
and that earned them some very bad vibes.
"
"now her baby's cloth diaper's soaked through
for the third time this hour.  she knew
that she'd suffer some stinks.
""yes, it's tougher,"" she thinks,
""to avoid c3h4o2.""
"
"we humans are mostly amphivorous
(the same thing, that is, as omnivorous):
eating veggies and meat,
perhaps fruit for a treat,
but no crickets: we're not insectivorous.
"
"the circumference of circles?  a breeze!
""two pi r,"" says the student with ease.
but his glibness soon trips
as his confidence dips:
an ellipse takes much more expertise.
"
"i've got babies in ample supply,
but they all look the same. though i try,
i can't tell them apart!
it just shatters my heart.
what a sad armadillo am i.
"
"the professor was justly renowned
for his wont to obliquely expound.
his circuitous speech
was intended to teach.
(failing that, it was meant to confound.)
"
"i see in your bag that you got a
fresh loaf of italian ciabatta.
i'm sure you'll agree
you should share it with me ?
you don't gotta, but really, you oughta.
"
"now i'll choose a circuitous route
and keep mute: not a hoot as i scoot.
once i hide ? go to ground ?
so i cannot be found,
all pursuit of this loot will be moot.
"
"i have walked a circuitous path
on my way from my bed to the bath.
that's a risk when you dwell
in the 4-d hotel:
midnight rambles entail higher math.
"
"i once was symmetrical, matched;
then my branch felt an itch, so i scratched.
now my beautiful bark
has a cicatrix mark
where that bothersome leaf was attached.
"
"tempestuous winds swirl and blow,
and a scent in the air speaks of snow.
every offshoot and bough
bears a cicatrice now
where each beautiful leaf used to grow.
"
"if you've bought a new sail for your yacht,
and it's acrylonitrile you've got,
have it polymerized;
it will surely be prized,
'cause acrylic (the fiber) won't rot.
"
"when pursuing a rock-climbing bent,
set protection throughout your ascent.
if you're flip with a clip
and then slip, lose your grip,
that deck's gonna leave quite a dent.
"
"""i saw you,"" she seethed with a glare.
""yes, i saw you.  i know you were there.""
as i stood there and stared,
""i blame you,"" she declared.
she accusatively sealed my despair.
"
"bearing ads that they hope to make pay,
lurking links lead our surfing astray.
they're the sirens that tease
on the binary seas.
trim their sales, me lads!  anchors away!
"
"many grasses are graced with an awn;
from the tips of their seed-heads it's drawn.
they can stick with this spike
to your socks as you hike
and poke holes in the plans of a fawn.
"
"oscar the ostrich was awed
and felt awfully awkward abroad,
but an ostracised auk
with an austrian squawk
made this awestricken ostrich applaud.
"
"your axioms tell what you take
as the principles nothing can shake:
what your proofs presuppose
before seeing what flows
from the logical waves in their wake.
"
"apprehensively into the room
she flew on her magical broom.
she was frightened, it's true,
'cause her lizard's-eye stew
in her cauldron had just gone ""kaboom!""
"
"while attempting to swim like a duck,
she got stuck in alluvial muck.
she could not break away
from the sticky, black clay,
but she'll fossilize great, with some luck.
"
"my lawyer was never concerned.
he just smiled as the jury returned.
""court adjourned! you may go,""
glared the judge, former foe?
for my freedom was purchased, not earned.
"
"if you find overwhelming temptation
in things that defy explanation?
a ghostly bell's toll,
or the glow of the soul?
that's a sign of an aural fixation.
"
"if despite all appeals arbitrational
your relations are still confrontational,
you can vent all your spite
in the memoirs you write,
gaining fortune from schisms sensational.
"
"in the age of the glory of greece,
if you're captured for killing your niece,
you'll soon see the archon
basileus's mark on
the order to jail or release.
"
"i joined up to help the morale,
and they called me an ""accrington pal"":
a corps of renown
from that lancashire town.
not many recall, but i shall.
"
"an appendage that's shaped like a wing,
that's the long and the short of the thing.
there are alae on flies,
maple seeds in the skies,
and my nostrils, now pierced by a ring.
"
"an astute, analytical guy
earned repute as a suit (fbi).
he suggested a scheme
whose success was extreme:
'twas a sly sting, a spy ring to fry.
"
"an alkoxy's an ether's one side
(ethers being two chains by o tied).
that oxygenous heart
lends its name to one part,
with the other left oxy-denied.
"
"the abbacy's vaudeville revue
featured many an abbot's debut,
but they laughed fit to burst
at the straight man on first:
that's the abbott who showed up with lou.
"
"we thought it might prove to be comical
(and compared to a f?te, economical),
when naming our tot,
for our friends all to trot
round our attic: a jaunt amphidromical.
"
"nota bene (or anglice, ""hey!""):
when obscure foreign words rule the day,
then an english translation
will ease your frustration.
speak anglice; banish dismay.
"
"in a large abyssinian city
lived its people ? some pretty, some gritty.
ethiopia came
as that region's new name;
abyssinian's now just a kitty.
"
"i jumped from the plane and fell free
on my first-ever sky-diving spree.
i made hardly a sound
as i fell toward the ground,
but to utter profoundly, ""oh, g.""
"
"for once, it's not hard to explain:
while you drive on a long, curving lane,
lock the wheel in one place.
then the route that you trace
marks the circle of curvature's reign.
"
"to savor an artichoke heart,
trim the thorns from the top for a start.
scrape the leaves, toss the choke
('cause its name is no joke),
then at last find that tenderest part.
"
"that knife can be used to cut cake,
though it looks like a poisonous snake.
never mind what occurs:
an affordance refers
to an action that someone could take.
"
"our software's new buttons are slick,
but learning to use them's a trick.
we're all in concordance:
they need an affordance
so users can tell where to click.
"
"the ground's cherty?  i say, that's colossal!
that rock can resist nature's jostle.
under pressure or weather,
it keeps it together.
with luck, it preserves an old fossil.
"
"over there is a balsa wood box
where i'd like to be storing my socks,
stacks of stocks, stock of sticks,
and a bundle of bricks,
but i can't, 'cause it's chock full of clocks.
"
"take a look where the sky meets the ground.
with your eye, draw a circle around.
stars above are revealed;
those below are concealed.
the celestial horizon's been found.
"
"armadillos have noses that press
into anthills with utmost finesse.
that's their main claim to fame;
hence the ""anteater"" name?
oh, wait! those are aardvarks, i guess.
"
"though my features are held in a grin
and no cicatrice shows on my skin,
it's only a veil
on a sorrowful tale,
for some scars remain hidden within.
"
"the asterisk, shaped like a star,*
means a note down below,
kept remote so the flow
of the text isn't vexed with a mar.
* or a spider, when seen from afar
"
"""in my library job, i've a preference
for patrons who'll treat me with deference,""
a girl bibliothecal
said. ""often, some geek'll
check me out, although i'm in reference.""
"
"'fore we wed, her mom said, ""i can see
what a fine son-in-law you will be!""
but she's now my affine,
and not quite so benign.
were she fined, that would be fine with me.
"
"astrotherapy looks to the stars
to help heal psychological scars.
if you envy your brother
or lust for your mother,
seek answers in jung and in mars.
"
"financiers known as belt and suspenders
think of caution as one of their splendors.
they take pains to ensure
a transaction secure
if they borrowers be, or if lenders.
"
"want to make your own telephone pole?
first, harvest a tree for its bole.
then, the trunk disencumber
of bark. you've got lumber;
some tweaks and you'll soon reach your goal!
"
"if a meteor heading your way
should explode in a flaming display,
when revived, tell the doc,
""it was no earthly rock,
but a bolide that struck me today.""
"
"three parts copper, add one part of tin,
if the bell-making prize you would win.
mix it right, what you get'll
make perfect bell metal.
mix it wrong, you'll get dissonant din.
"
"alphonse bertillon worked out a system,
whereby criminals couldn't resist him.
he would measure crooks' parts
and record them on charts,
but with fingerprints' rise, folks dismissed him.
"
"if moneymen call you ""aunt millie"",
they mean your investments are silly,
and frankly believe
that you're strictly naive,
treating finance in ways willy-nilly.
"
"it's a question from time immemorial:
are boreal regions arboreal?
in lands to the north,
forests sometimes spring forth,
so they could be. here ends the tutorial.
"
"so you're hauling me down to the station
to accuse me of theft (asportation).
well, now, what can i say?
i got carried away.
and the gems? so did they. (such elation!)
"
"you say you're a fine allegorist,
a precepts-and-symbols-galore-ist?
find a theme apropos,
craft a fable, then?oh.
it's a living you want?  be a florist.
"
"my inquisitive golden retriever
killed a beaver and now has a fever.
so i'm giving the bitch
acetanilid, which
is a fevered retriever reliever.
"
"agrostology, it's been suggested,
is mistakenly sometimes requested
in botany classes:
it's the study of grasses
(but not ones that get you arrested).
"
"try to pick an applicable link,
or the pop-ups will drive you to .
you can fill up your cache
in a flash with the trash
when quick clicks fail to link where you think.
"
"if the torah's law leaves you perplexed,
then the learned halacha's your text;
but if it's a peek
at the folklore you seek,
the aggadah's the thing to read next.
"
"it's only an adhesiotomy,
no more painful a job than it's gotta be.
just dividing some tissues
with stickiness issues:
we're not talking pre-frontal lobotomy!
"
"the elephant man had been cursed
with an illness that couldn't be nursed.
though he lived with deformity?
gruesome abnormity?
some say his heart suffered worst.
"
"""the fly will be showing tonight.
be afraid!"" they exclaimed (a bit trite).
to preserve your soir?e,
get insecticide spray
such as allethrin. he'll get the fright!
"
"wine's complexity's thought to be due
to the heaps of dead yeast that accrue.
as the cells decompose,
the autolysate grows,
and this goo adds a nose to the brew.
"
"the nurse remarked, ""doctor van camp'll
soon test your bioptic cell sample.
he'll comb through your tissue
and find every issue ...
that's if your insurance is ample.""
"
"an can carry the meaning of if,
though such use has an obsolete whiff.
while an', understand,
is a way to say and.
so, an ann an' anne want me? terrif!
"
"in my babyhood, wearing a diaper,
with no concept of ""paying the piper"",
i'd excrete as i willed,
and when it got filled,
i'd let somebody else be the wiper.
"
"you claim to be high-class and tony.
let's face it, my dear, you're a phony.
you say, ""i've not been
too well-off or too thin"" ?
rather, too ostentatious and bony.
"
"it's applied science, not theoretical,
that draws practical from hypothetical.
putting science to use,
though, at times can produce
some results that strike folks as heretical.
"
"on most golf courses (real swinging scenes!),
they plant bent grass for smooth putting greens,
where those with a putter
can see if they're utter
putt putzes or golfing champeens.
"
"i met her, and i was beglamored,
and when trying to speak, i just stammered.
hours later, we're hitched!
surely i was bewitched
(or else, just incredibly hammered).
"
"a bebop trombonist named clyde
used to improvise notes with great pride.
but his music annoyed,
so he went unemployed;
his career, like his horn, had a slide.
"
"beryllium's element four,
found in many a mineral ore.
a light metal that's brittle,
long contact with it'll
cause health problems tough to ignore.
"
"in the balkans some mountains are found
rising up from carpathian ground;
bisecting the area
that's known as bulgaria,
where lots of rakia gets downed.
"
"there are all sorts of aphanite rocks.
a microscope image unlocks
tiny crystals that we
cannot otherwise see:
they're this igneous stone's building blocks.
"
"a policeman's lot isn't a happy one,
says the song, though some think it a sappy one.
but to be arrestee
would be worse, so i'll flee.
(if i'm caught, make my pardon a snappy one.)
"
"you're severely allergic to cheese?
just a whiff and you're likely to wheeze.
so abstain or complain,
but you're plainly insane
when you talk about shooting the bries.
"
"now their image in school has been wrecked,
and their classmates have lost all respect.
'twas a slip, we infer,
that adjoined him to her:
seems their braces got caught while they necked.
"
"to fasten, to join, to connect,
to affix, to augment, to collect,
to adjoin, to append,
to annex, to extend,
to tack on, to attach: to adject.
"
"from the back, he appears quite a hunk:
shapely calves, golden locks, muscled trunk;
but he gives, to be blunt,
an affront from the front,
'cause his nose isn't straight, it's adunque.
"
"the welder was such a great cynic,
his mask wasn't adiactinic.
he scoffed at the bright
ultraviolet light?
now he's sightless, contrite, at the clinic.
"
"frenzied ministers' shrill exhortation,
rabid right-wingers' sheer indignation,
and the noise of their peers:
they're invading our ears
with their rude amplitude modulation.
"
"if conditions emerge as propitious,
pick grapes for a drink abstractitious.
ferment them at length,
then distill to full strength
to make brandy that's simply delicious.
"
"this plume on my rear's an affliction,
it's not just an artist's depiction.
i've tugged and i've scratched,
but it's firmly attached.
now you dare say my tale is affixion?!
"
"got no kids and you're single? rejoice!
you can say, ""it's my personal choice.
i think marriage is hell,
but find agamy swell,
as i'd much rather have my rolls-royce.""
"
"when her air supply seemed out of kilter,
she thought it was going to wilt 'er.
but today she's content
in her home; on each vent
there's a thing called an absolute filter.
"
"walk upon floating logs, make 'em twirl!
as we ride down the river, we birl.
rolling oak, spinning pine ?
done to tree trunks, that's fine;
but felonious done to a girl.
"
"when you're broke and want cash in your palms,
to the almonry go without qualms,
where a man called an almoner
gives the poor commoner
needed allotments of alms.
"
"i was hosting a party with kate;
what occurred there is sad to relate.
for some bird-dogging hound
soon came sniffin' around,
left with kate, and left me to my f?te.
"
"in america, when you take part in
a blood drive, recall clara barton.
she was founder and boss
of the us red cross
(one of several such groups she'd been startin').
"
"good heavens! the hounds have been loosed!
let's find us a safe place to roost!
we must quickly get hence;
come now, over that fence!
help me climb it, please; give me a boost!
"
"sometimes i, on my trusty bike, roam
'tween a bicycle shop and my home.
my bike's bichrome (two-hued;
both are dark and subdued).
it should shine, so i go to buy chrome.
"
"take ions of sulfate and mix
them with barium. you get blanc fixe;
used in pigment and plastic
and (this is fantastic)
for clear gi tract x-ray pics.
"
"said clark kent in a panic, ""great scott!
there's no phone booth; i'm put on the spot!
how can i change clothes
before fighting my foes
when a cell phone is all that i've got?""
"
"she opened a trendy boutique
filled with fashions expensive and chic.
her venture's location?
an outback sheep station
(no sales for the hundredth straight week).
"
"i just did a data retrieval
on the insect that's called the boll weevil,
which feasts upon cotton:
though called misbegotten,
it's instinct that drives him, not evil.
"
"i am strong, able-bodied and fit.
are you seeking perfection? i'm it!
no one else can be found
who's as physically sound.
(yeah, i'm stretching the truth ... just a bit.)
"
"bibliopegy  you call ""absurd""?
sir, i call it an art most preferred!
on my shelves, books are found,
each one beautif'ly bound.
what's inside them? i've not read a word.
"
"a 'vark and a 'wolf met a bard,
and eagerly said to him, ""pard,
won't you use us next time
that you make up a rhyme?""
""i can't,"" he replied, ""you're two aard.""
"
"grown in alkaline regions, berseem
in the desert's a ruminant's dream,
since it's succulent clover;
but, thinking it over,
it can't taste good, even with cream.
"
"a disturbed ufo abductee
was informed, ""soon, examined you'll be.
so please kindly disrobe
and prepare for the probe.""
he responded, ""you talkin' to me?""
"
"favor bearlike beasts? come! take a ganda,
for i've brought my koala and panda!
but please do be aware,
just the latter's a bear.
call the former one that and it's slanda.
"
"put your cap on, it's windy outside.
'neath your chin, keep those strings firmly tied.
now, don't act like a brat.
please, it's only a hat.
wear your biggin, my li'l 'un, with pride!
"
"found on ebay:  ""gold sceptre, bejeweled,
used by romanov czars when they ruled.
gem-encrusted ? deluxe!
starting bid: twenty bucks.""
now it's mine. (i confess i was fooled.)
"
"the oedilf is just barely begun.
it will be quite some time ere it's done.
there's a million or two
lim'ricks still left to do ?
an aeonian project, but fun!
"
"defining the phrase angle bracket?
here follows one way to attack it:
it formerly meant
something metal and bent.
now it's used in the web design racket.
"
"""it's a fish with uncommon biology
and remarkably ancient chronology.
all the 'saurs it predates,
with its tough bony plates,""
said the student of paleontology.
"
"this cuisine's just as bad as i feared.
why, cilantro is nearly revered!
add an herb to your plate?
fine with me.  that sounds great.
but to season with soap?  that's just weird!
"
"though it's long been implied, let's give voice
to the set theory axiom of choice:
each collection of sets
has a function that gets
just one item from each.  ernst, rejoice!
"
"when writing a speech to impress,
don't bungle and leave off an ""s"".
you'll learn what ""harass"" is
with talk about asses
when that's not what you meant to assess.
"
"acyanoblepsia? you?
you have problems distinguishing hue?
but that seems such a crime?
and your art is sublime!
are you sure that you can't discern blue?
"
"lemon tell you, this grapefruit's not prime.
mandarind on it's covered in slime.
it's be-kumquat abhorred,
but orange you floored
that its citrusy scent's still sublime?
"
"the dishtowels given to fishes
disappoint all their siccative wishes.
when your kitchen's the sea,
it's a near-guarantee
you'll be hopeless at drying the dishes.
"
"in this cyberpunk novel i'm reading,
there's a hacker whose nanites stop bleeding,
vr shrines, urban grime,
widespread organized crime,
and some software that's working on breeding.
"
"something added that isn't essential
is appurtenant (nearly tangential),
like my post-lim'rick note,
of which some might say, quote:
""that's exceedingly self-referential!""
"
"every chef in botswana says, ""sorry,
our menu lacks fried calamari.""
around gaborone
you're bound to hear ""no! nay!""
(no squid in the vast kalahari...)
"
"you speak like your tongue's made of marble;
your diction's, in point of fact, horr'ble,
and i can't read your lips
'cause they're under eclipse
by a growth that's unruly and barbal.
"
"the booths were american actors
encumbered by negative factors.
you know what i'm thinkin'?
what john did to lincoln
emboldened those actors' detractors.
"
"argilaceous means ""like, or of, clay"";
it's a word that i use every day.
when beset by some jerk
on the street or at work,
""is your brain argilaceous?"" i say.
"
"behove is the same as behoove,
which is handy to know in case you've
got a fear of paired o's
(which, as everyone knows,
is a phobia hard to remove).
"
"the bulgarian priest bogomil
had a dualist truth to reveal.
he said jesus's brother
was satan, no other!
(this schism took decades to heal.)
"
"next time you're aboard a ship, mull
over who's been maintaining the hull.
he's the boatswain by rank;
if the ship ever sank,
then his efforts would all come to null.
"
"are you finding your life too chaotic?
stress and strife have you feeling neurotic,
sighing, ""o, that i might
be like wind or like light""?
well, you can't, because they're abiotic!
"
"-ability lets a verb thrive
in the form of a noun (sakes alive!)
for the way that things act
or are acted on. (fact:
driveability follows from drive.)
"
"in cc carbon copy, chief clerk,
country clubs, common carriers lurk;
and closed-captioned (not loud),
cirrocumulus (cloud),
and a measure of volume (not work).
"
"all in wool that's expensive i'm dressed.
i spent a week's pay on my vest.
you might think it's funny,
but what good is money?
that's mere cash, but it's cashmere that's best!
"
"his thinking's not what i'd call logical;
his rantings are quite demagogical.
he can't pull his weight
in a reasoned debate.
his arguments? always hodge-podgical!
"
"it's been said if you're born with a caul
you'll have talents the world to enthrall ?
second sight, wealth and fame,
people hailing your name ?
but it's just superstition, that's all.
"
"an astrologer, covered in scabs,
sought opinions at medical labs.
""what's my illness? please answer
me, doc! is it cancer?""
""well, after a fashion. it's crabs.""
"
"""come on, give me a point i can use!
baby's needin' a new pair of shoes!
show me money, you saps!
i'm an expert at craps!""
""roll, already! ... it's boxcars! you lose!""
"
"said a stripper, ""tonight, i won't doff any
more clothing. i just won't take off any!
it's those lecherous louts
and their ear-splitting shouts!
i can't work around all this cacophony!""
"
"judge jane has a problem concealing
the love for a lawyer she's feeling.
she views with affection
his cries of ""objection!""
and agrees when he says he's appealing.
"
"if you've got bulky goods to convey,
you should visit a cartwright today.
he knows all about carts
and their various parts,
and can make you a cart right away.
"
"to control chain reactions, your odds
will improve if you've cadmium rods
in your fission reactor.
their lack is a factor
in screams of ""a meltdown! ye gods!""
"
"it's my nightmare (b?te noire ? the black beast).
my fear of it's daily increased;
that ""this poem's still unsound!
[list of flaws that were found]""
i'll be dead 'fore the workshopping's ceased.
"
"there are things that become more alluring
as with each passing day they're maturing.
bonds are one; fine wines, too.
as for elderly you,
well... whatever you find reassuring...
"
"if you find that your life leaves you frettin',
consider the plight of the breton
who feels his guts wrench
when he's forced to speak french.
sacr? bleu! it's beaucoup too upsettin'!
"
"she could swear that she'd ne'er seen a balder man,
so ol' baldy's the nickname she called her man,
but he said, ""i'd collect
your respect, i expect,
were i ever elected an alderman!""
"
"due to hamilton's slanderous slur,
he was challenged to duel aaron burr.
we know hamilton still
from the ten-dollar bill,
yet his killer's recalled as a cur.
"
"got a coin where one image prevails
on both sides (thus two heads or two tails,
one reversed)? that's a brockage
and caused by a blockage
when the process of minting coins fails.
"
"as far as oedilf is concerned,
here's a metrical lesson i've learned:
as far as the beat,
stick to anapest feet,
or you might find your verse will be spurned.
"
"in my chem class, i'm quite a slow learner.
my teacher grows sterner and sterner:
""you're some kind of dunce, son!
don't play with that bunsen""
(hey, where did my eyebrows go?) ""burner!""
"
"""please, bring me some water!"" i cry.
""i'm feeling completely adry!
fetch a glass or a cup;
hurry, please, fill it up...
oh, and add a few jiggers of rye.""
"
"it's the surest of magical laws:
just one bite from a lycanthrope's jaws
(that's a werewolf to you)
and you'll turn lupine, too;
a condition that gives people pause.
"
"capric acid (and this you can quote),
when it comes from the fat of a goat,
smells like garbage that festers,
but made into esters
it's in perfume?this does seem remote!
"
"he, not one of your commonplace schnooks,
turns out tv and movies (not books).
from the borscht belt to broadway,
the fans all guffawed. way
to go, comic genius mel brooks!
"
"at the close of the era victorian
came a self-proclaimed ""royal historian"".
l. frank baum was his name;
tales of oz brought him fame
(each story a fun and non-gory 'un).
"
"in making a film, cast and crew
get a call sheet designed to show who
works each day on what scene,
when and where to convene...
how and why? well, for that there's no clue.
"
"motown's tigers (not ""pumas"" or ""pards""),
with their hopes and dreams shattered to shards,
said, ""we've lost! please don't boo us,
you fans of st. louis!
our doom was foretold in the cards!""
"
"isaac asimov, author prolific,
with writer's block never had diffic-
ult problems at all.
he would endlessly scrawl
fact and fiction (not all scientific).
"
"it's a book that made history quake,
shaking working-class sleepers awake.
did its author, karl marx,
into powder throw sparks?
fair opinion, or reader's mistake?
"
"""you believe you're bugs bunny, and hop?""
asked my doctor, a freudian flop.
""well, i really don't think
you have need of a shrink.
if you cut out the carrots, you'll stop.""
"
"""o benevolent we's,
won't you give me your rfa's, please?
it won't cost you a thing!
it'll make my heart sing!""
(all this begging plays hell with my knees...)
"
"long ago, back in ancient cathay
(that's the place we call china today),
the life of a peasant
was rather unpleasant.
and the emperor's? major partay!
"
"""dearest friends; let us dine! as it's said,
together we'll sit and break bread!""
though a meal seemed a nice
way of breaking the ice,
he served beans; we broke wind there instead.
"
"the brontosaur never existed,
never ate, never slept, never trysted.
colossal, yet docile,
but not a real fossil
despite what fred flintstone insisted.
"
"take tobacco that's packed in a briar.
put a match to it; light it on fire.
that's called smoking a pipe
(but despite all the hype,
its effect on your health could be dire).
"
"in the service of czars, vitus bering
undertook expeditions quite daring.
thus the sea and the strait
that he sailed with his mate
his surname are currently sharing.
"
"mites and ticks are the subject i'll tackle: i
well know they're arachnids called acari.
while some spread disease,
bringing men to their knees,
other acari can't even whack a fly.
"
"want a dangerous snack? try some blowfish,
for what fish is more poisonous? no fish!
its toxicity's high,
so to use it in pie,
or as topping for pizza, seems oafish.
"
"bourbonism: political theme
that's conservative to the extreme.
it's a creed that clings fast
to the ways of the past
(named for ""house of..."", and not for jim beam).
"
"for brothers, we sometimes say brethren,
yet more than one mother's not ""methren"".
this irregular form
is so far from the norm,
it's a plural unlike any ethren.
"
"there's a beast fable: ""'hopper and ant"".
""come and play,"" said the grasshopper. ""can't!
i must work,"" the ant said,
""storing morsels of bread
for the winter, when foodstuffs are scant.""
"
"agedashi: a japanese dish
made of tofu that's fried (so delish!)
served with mirin and soy
on the side, so enjoy!
hey, it's better than eating raw fish.
"
"you've a penchant to lead men astray
by devoting to each just one day,
but i find it distasteful,
repugnant and wasteful
to use men, then throw them away.
"
"i am cranky?and stoic i'm not.
with resentment my feelings are fraught.
i can cause quite a scene
while i'm venting my spleen,
and i grumble and groan at my lot.
"
"when it's annualized, it is clear
that your pay for the year is austere.
if you find that your wage
always puts you in rage,
just relax and go open a beer.
"
"dr. goldstein, you're making aliyah?
my sadie will be glad to see ya'.
she went last july
with some shtunk of a guy;
now she's all on her own in judea.
"
"what's the top-selling pop? it's a coke.
what's a rip-roaring quip? it's a joke.
so quickly, i beg:
what's the white of an egg?
it's albumen. (i bet you said yolk.)
"
"though you might find an ascaris round,
you won't want to know where it's found.
this intestinal worm
can make strong doctors squirm
as they view a ""routine"" ultrasound.
"
"she's not noble, just putting on airs
as she enters the room and declares,
""your upholstery is bland.
i've had all i can stand!""?
so i kindly remove all the chairs.
"
"band-pass filters stop some hues of light
and let others pass through in their flight.
like when goldilocks viewed
the three bears' bowls of food:
""one's too hot, one's too cold, one's just right!""
"
"you've won tickets to see tonight's game:
it's the all-stars, with players whose fame
is proclaimed far and wide
(only topped by their pride).
oh, you don't follow sports?  what a shame.
"
"the film has a fine all-star cast,
showing talent and skill unsurpassed.
but from what moldy crypt
did they dredge such a script?
how i wish it would end, and end fast!
"
"as i drove 'neath the cliffside, a boulder
dislodged, so i steered for the shoulder,
dodging death by a foot.
if instead i'd stayed put,
then today i'd be colder, not older.
"
"i said, ""fetch me a chessboard,"" but he
instead brought a cheeseboard to me.
though it first seemed a shame,
still, i wanted a game,
so played gouda to queen's roquefort 3.
"
"""this bird mimics bogie and streep,""
said the pet shop man, ""thus has a steep,
yes, a very high price.""
so i said to him, ""nice.
here's twelve bucks."" said the bird (and man), ""cheep!""
"
"""a whitman pastiche? are you daft? an'
the subject's your robe?!?"", then he laughed, ""an'
the robe reaches the floor
with long sleeves? and what's more,
the poem's titled 'o caftan! my caftan!'??""
"
"defeated by mao, chiang kai-shek
and his followers fled to quebec
(well, really, formosa
which, being much closer,
was hardly as much of a trek).
"
"in your little black dress, you look swell,
and i sure love that ""no. 5"" smell.
haute couture (that's ""high fashion"")
has filled me with passion
for you, thanks to coco chanel.
"
"said a well-renowned actor, ""my dear,
i need liquid refreshment, i fear.
so i drink through each play, sir,
straight gin with no chaser,
then exit, pursued by a beer"".
"
"the gimmick where wording repeats
and repeats and repeats and repeats
and repeats and repeats
and repeats and repeats
makes one say of an author: ""he cheats!""
"
"when his crewmen arose in a mutiny,
william bligh might've wished he could shoot any
who'd take over the bounty,
which, by ev'ry account, he
had sailed to get breadfruit (non-gluteny).
"
"who's been reading my blog? lots of losers
and perverts and unemployed boozers
(their brains soaked in highballs).
so what? they've got eyeballs,
and bloggers, it seems, can't be choosers.
"
"let us pause for a moment's reflection
on when phone service wasn't perfection
and when calling long-distance
required persistence
and central to make the connection.
"
"""more pasta al dente, sir?"" ""well,
i suppose not, because, truth to tell,""
replied the infante,
""i'd call it al dante:
so chewy, it tasted like hell.""
"
"true, there's blood dripping off of my knife
and right there is my stabbed-to-death wife.
i'm celebrious (famous);
no jail for me, shamus:
i'll just get along with my life.
"
"if he went to a jai alai fiesta,
bill's last chief of staff, john podesta,
might ask, with a snicker,
""what's that long, narrow wicker
glove-basket they use?""  (it's a cesta.)
"
"feeding cows is disgusting. my brother
hates the work. so do i. so does mother.
we take cattle cakes, friend,
send them down the front end,
and watch cow pies come out of the other.
"
"you were hungry, so don't be a whiner;
i assure you, no eatery's finer.
(well, that's what i'm hopin'.
3 a.m., nothing's open
but ""susie-n'-sam's all-night diner"".)
"
"rheumatic disease (abarticular)
is bad for your health, in particular.
more than knees, more than heart,
it affects every part
from the cranial to the testicular.
"
"a garage with no door and no wall:
there's a roof on a carport, that's all.
though this certainly leaves
fewer hurdles for thieves,
it protects when the hail starts to fall.
"
"see the maryland state house's dome,
and the school that's the midshipmen's home,
right by chesapeake bay,
and then cheer, ""hip hooray!
hail annapolis, theme of this poem!""
"
"from my marriage i begged to withdraw,
but the settlement left me stripped raw.
and the cause of that loss
(if you will, double-cross)?
my attorney, not -at-, but -in-law.
"
"the mall was completely aswarm ?
filled with people, a mob without form.
if i'd wanted a crowd
so annoying and loud,
then i could've stayed back in my dorm.
"
"napoleon bonaparte swore
to conquer all europe by war.
although vanquished and banished,
from elba he vanished.
les cent jours saw him ruling once more.
"
"daniel boone, on the western frontier,
blazed the wilderness road, without fear,
through the cumberland gap
without compass or map;
quite a crowd-hating, brave pioneer.
"
"here's some info that might leave you floored:
something boardlike resembles a board,
and all things shaped like planks,
if they could, would say, ""thanks!
that description should not be ignored!""
"
"the baltic states: one is estonia,
which, with latvia, took in livonia.
lithuania's next,
making three ? all quite vexed
when the ussr said,  ""we own ya.""
"
"said the captain, ""just call me pedantic,
but the ocean we sail's the atlantic.
on hearing 'atlannic',
i'm stricken with panic.
such slurring of words makes me frantic!""
"
"when we blabber for far too much time
(such as limericists might do in rhyme),
those who listen grow violent
and scream out, ""be silent!
pretend you're a monk or a mime!""
"
"a region that shares the same air
because of topography there,
combined with the clime
(i've learned writing this rhyme),
is an airshed, as you were aware.
"
"a cobra who hid in a box in
a belfry delivered some shocks in
the form of his bite.
the poor ringer took flight
as the tocsin rang out, ""antitoxin!""
"
"the room that i rent is a peach.
and the meals that we get? i love each!
i can't wait to have dinner,
though soon i'd be thinner
if not for my boardinghouse reach.
"
"i wonder if gianni versace
had ever been known to play bocce
(italian lawn bowling),
or did he think rolling
balls out in the sun made him blotchy?
"
"it's an element, white tinged with pink,
used in solder because it won't shrink.
on the chart, 83;
and this metal would be?
why, it's bismuth! (you thought i meant zinc?)
"
"""black-, straw-, boysen-, rasp-, huckle- or blue-,
i love all kinds of berries, don't you?""
""but"", say botanists, ""wait,
what of eggplant or date
or persimmon? for they're berries, too!""
"
"""there are mermaids in regions benthonic,""
said sailors who swapped tales hedonic.
but with fishtails, not legs,
just like fish, they'd lay eggs,
making romance a concept ironic.
"
"the bachelor president, james
buchanan, played compromise games
a split nation to save
(half was free, half was slave)
'stead of spending his time chasing dames.
"
"an abram-man madness would feign
in hope of material gain.
for, when seeking largesse,
he'd more likely hear ""yes""
if people believed him insane.
"
"don antonio, boss of all bosses,
said, ""our rackets are suffering losses!
let's work harder at crime
and stop wasting our time
searching google for pasta and sauces!""
"
"there's nothing that brought patrick swayze joy
on a set like a martin scorsese ploy
that involved cool chablis
and allowed him to be
just reclining at ease in an armchair.
"
"lots of poems here, but none yet on doodle,
or poodle, or noodle, or strudel.
we lack more than two-thirds
of all possible words,
yet may someday complete the caboodle.
"
"dr. awkward's a maladroit doc
with the physical grace of a rock,
but what brings her acclaim?
her reversible name?
back and forth, it's the same. that's no crock!
"
"a client is someone who pays you,
for tasks that don't normally faze you.
but once in a while,
they smile and with guile
will lay down requirements that daze you.
"
"both hither and yon do i drive.
i travel a lot, and i thrive.
no matter which way
i ramble each day,
at the end of the trip, i arrive.
"
"there came a new bowler named steve,
whose talent caused many to grieve.
his teammates would all
bang their heads on the wall,
as gutter balls steve would just heave.
"
"there once was a lad name of aaron,
who, when asked how his bowlin' was farin',
replied with a sigh,
""my scores aren't so high,
'cause my shoulders it seems i'm not squarin'.""
"
"if my ""honey-do"" list i defer,
a big penalty i will incur.
if i don't do it now,
then my wife will ""allow""
me to sleep on the couch, not with her.
"
"concernment i feel; i sure worry.
i'm anxious and all in a flurry.
does she love me or not?
do i have a real shot?
my future seems shadowed and blurry.
"
"if it's dix that you wish to define,
well, you won't need assistance divine.
if you capitalize,
then it's dix?and surprise!
you have roman ""five hundred and nine.""
"
"i'm working today, though it's sunday.
it's really not much of a funday.
but these limericks that rhyme
sure do help pass the time,
and i'll publish them, maybe, come oneday.
"
"a brief had been given the spy:
instructions on what and on why.
and when he returned,
to find out what he'd learned,
we debriefed him?we questioned the guy.
"
"i'm not pleased when a limerick is lewd;
they are often obscene?very crude.
but an innocent rhyme
i enjoy every time.
i admit i'm an old-fashioned prude.
"
"the allyl group, c3h5,
is a radical. how does it thrive?
its delocalised bondness
distributes the fondness
for coupling, and keeps it alive.
"
"yes, a diphthong is pleasant to hear.
it's a treat for the listener's ear!
two sounds that seem one?
your tongue will have fun,
as it tours this phonetic frontier.
"
"our border was never so porous.
protection?  it does little for us.
the fence is for show;
folks come and folks go,
and smugglers just laugh and ignore us.
"
"there once was a baby called piglet,
so cute, all the folks tried to tiglet.
the years, how they flew!
she grew and she grew,
and now when she walks, she can jiglet.
"
"on a course of revenge you proceed,
'cause your insolent wife disagreed.
you attempt a reprisal?
she acts with despisal:
a forceful dislike of your deed.
"
"genghis khan was a dread desolator?
a slasher and burner and hater.
he'd lay waste and destroy;
kill and ravage with joy
and wreak havoc?a true mood deflator!
"
"i was walking one night in an alley,
where i knew i should not dilly-dally,
when a claviform shape
(that's a club) bashed my nape,
breaking bones?far too many to tally.
"
"marijuana i never would try,
and john barleycorn's use i decry.
so, when aiming to soar?
lofty heights to explore,
antigravity's how i get high.
"
"the wedding was very routine,
'til his soon-to-be wife made a scene.
she pulled out a crown,
then told the poor clown
to coronate her as his queen.
"
"if you happen to have a large debt,
which you haven't paid off, there's a threat
that the person you owe
might distrain your chateau:
seize and hold it for balance unmet.
"
"when the guillotine fell, a diremption
took place with no hope of exemption:
with perfect precision,
a slicing division
from one to two parts, no redemption.
"
"if you ever get jailed by the law
(might have busted some guy on the jaw),
the detainer they'll file
keeps you locked up a while,
'til the charges they press or withdraw.
"
"this word came to be, but where from?
maybe latin or german or some
other language. of course,
whatever its source,
its derival is how it's become.
"
"didymium: formerly thought
an element;  now, though, it ought
not be classed in this way,
for we've learned with dismay
it's a mixture, and that is now taught.
"
"a ballot should faithfully note
each candidate getting a vote.
but election machines
can be hacked and that means
voters don't have a trustworthy tote.
"
"some crimes are quite flagrantly blatant,
not subtle, nor secret, nor latent.
if the doer ain't caught,
there's a guy who's been bought,
or incompetence utterly patent.
"
"the affluent prosper quite well,
as their savings continue to swell.
it is great to be rich.
destitution's a bitch.
you might say that it's taxing as hell.
"
"iraq's current state is abysmal,
with its prospects of peace rather dismal.
dubya started this war,
yielding blood, sweat and gore,
and success odds quite infinites'mal.
"
"although males come equipped with two balls,
there are men who ain't ballsy at all.
folks with guts are quite rare,
and they don't need a pair.
in fact, some gals are brimming with gall.
"
"i am blissful, contented, and happy.
the election results weren't crappy.
but for pleasure inflated,
to make me elated,
impeach cheney/bush. make it snappy!
"
"i'm known to espouse contemplation.
without it, i risk enervation.
all my nerve endings shot?
well, nirvana it's not?
ah, that dull state of abirritation.
"
"splenic tissue, they say, makes me mean.
when i tune up and make a big scene,
each extraneous wad
ups the stakes in my bod?
i must vent each accessory spleen.
"
"those moments, when somebody knocks,
you don't know them, and memory mocks:
oh, sure, we've all had 'em.
don't know them from adam,
or?more so?from adam's off ox.
"
"though my triumphs can gleam almost prismally,
my efforts will sometimes fail dismally.
while you might not know beans,
you'll know just what this means,
if i've done more than write this abysmally.
"
"the harp is beyond me.  oh, jeez!
i never could play it with ease?
all my fingers are thumbs.
but the wind itself strums
the aeolian harp.  it's a breeze!
"
"our cells have no bleaker prognosis
than a self-death by sad apoptosis.
these poor cells, findings say,
choose to end their tough day.
hm, perhaps they seek metempsychosis?
"
"though the wrath of jehovah was great,
he was sorry he'd sent such a spate;
so, with rainbow unfurled,
he restored the sad world
to its antediluvian state.
"
"when bones in one's bod suffer fracture
what's needed is action (or acture).
  go summon a doc,
  treat the patient for shock,
and then start up the cast manufacture.
"
"i arduously try to explain
what words mean, but my effort's in vain.
  i work through the night,
  but i fail in this plight
though i try it again and again.
"
"a bookman is eager to read
all the books that he thinks he might need
to further his knowledge
at home or in college ?
a keen educational greed.
"
"a blurter is one who would utter
impulsively loud and not mutter
a sentence or word,
however absurd ?
and p-possibly with a st-stutter.
"
"a bookstall sells books, new and old.
some old ones are pricy as gold!
and if they are rare
with prices unfair,
it's ages until they get sold.
"
"the aerial, hard to believe,
helps radio sets to receive.
i use one, you bet,
but detached from the set,
as a pointer ? it's stored in my sleeve.
"
"airelle is a bilberry (wild),
they told me when i was a child.
but its flavor is tame,
so when served with some game
it tastes pleasantly subtle and mild.
"
"acquisitive labels the creed
of those folks who have more than they need
and increase their possessions
by harmful aggressions.
ordinarily, we'd call it greed.
"
"admonitors tell people off.
this could be, for instance, your prof.
and if he's ironic
or even sardonic,
be careful you don't start to cough!
"
"oh, bluntness! a reason for strife,
for ""straight to the point"" is my wife:
it drives me insane
to hear her complain
that blunt, once again, is her knife.
"
"with afterthoughts filling your head,
you won't be successful in bed
when longing for sleep.
your urge may be deep,
but frustration's the winner instead.
"
"when improving a bad situation,
you are using amelioration.
 an ameliorator
 makes lousy things greater,
and helps remove points of frustration.
"
"the philosopher's stone, so i'm told,
can transmute worthless lead into gold.
 but an alchemist friend
 said they brazenly tend
just to coat it with brass, and act bold.
"
"since investing in some other nation,
i love currency in fluctuation.
 it is always so nice
 when stock rises in price;
i appreciate appreciation.
"
"the acknowledgments page in a book
is to thank all those people who took
 of their valuable time
 to peruse your small rhyme.
so i thank you, you lovable schnook.
"
"sick of low-carb regimes? feeling jaded?
try my diet, the best yet created!
eat cream pies in huge mounds,
and lose fifty-five pounds!
(hope you don't mind your legs amputated.)
"
"you can seek a full chest, but it's harder
to find women who have a full larder.
 i don't mean to be rude,
 but i really love food;
through my stomach's the way to my ardour.
"
"the stooges, my slapstick of choosing,
i find to be awfully amusing.
 every slap, every gaffe,
 from me garners a laugh;
it's funny when moe is abusing.
"
"ross perot did well when he debated
but our love for him quickly abated.
 claims of martians in scores
 and his odd metaphors
made supporters feel alienated.
"
"in delhi i ordered a curry
with a word in my language ? bhojpuri;
but in hindi that word
is obscene (and absurd),
so i had to depart in a hurry.
"
"when somebody called me a blackguard
i was, i admit, somewhat stackguard:
how could they impugn
my honour? quite sugn,
i was worried and anxious and hackguard.
"
"is animatism for you?
if  so, you believe it is true
that each tree, plant or stone
has a mind of its own.
(we know that computers all do.)
"
"a well-informed person who knows art,
and can tell aaron copland from mozart,
if he hasn't learned french,
may look blank when you ment-
-ion the name of your study as beaux-arts.
"
"in british columbia (b.c.):
that is where i would now like to be.
i bought my first hoover
in downtown vancouver,
and went on a vacuuming spree.
"
"is your network in protocol need?
i have a solution, indeed:
you just have to grapple
with software from apple ?
use appletalk, then you'll succeed.
"
"bisexually speaking, my wife
was good for some trouble and strife.
my husband, however,
was not all that clever,
and married her later in life.
"
"benignly the editor said,
""your lim is not bad, my dear fred,
but still far from good.
suggestion: you should
not despair but revise it instead.""
"
"acceptedly means ""in a manner
accepted"" by tinker or tanner.
admittedly will
provide the same thrill
if displayed on a proud linguist's banner.
"
"the film show of venice appears
biennially (every two years).
the winner takes all,
and later the ball
displays some of the stars all in tears.
"
"in jersey, both master and wench,
when speaking, would use anglo-french
a long time ago.
today, it's not so
much in use, though a must on the bench.
"
"a boardman belongs to the board
of a firm, such as boeing or jord.
his chairman presides
and, at times, overrides
his plans, which the firm can't afford.
"
"""away, oh, away with the king!""
is the hymn i am happy to sing,
though i'm much of a loyalist
and not antiroyalist,
when the queen picks me up for a fling.
"
"any person who would be elected
to alderman should be expected
to have decent knowledge;
degrees from a college
ain't needed, but will be respected.
"
"the aphid will suck on your plants,
but he's no sort of pest to the ants;
on his rear, they tap two
and out comes honeydew,
which makes ants, fond of sweets, apt to dance.
"
"while i was out having a facial,
i talked of our abbey palatial.
i spoke (out of habit)
of abbess and abbot,
thus making my gossip abbatial.
"
"an abdicant, you might intuit,
assigned to a task, will not do it.
might be that he shan't;
mayhap that he can't;
either way, he won't get around to it.
"
"kevin konner, east anglian blighter,
excited and much of a fighter,
very zealous today
in acrostic's own way
names this limerick after its writer.
"
"i've been waiting for hours on end
for my pal, who had promised to send
me the admiral's cup.
but it never turned up...
good lord! what became of my friend!?
"
"ernst abbe was leading carl zeiss;
their lenses fetched quite a high price,
and his noble creation,
the carl zeiss foundation,
had features that still would entice.
"
"a birman's a type of a cat.
it's blue-eyed and doesn't grow fat
if it's properly fed.
should it jump in your bed,
don't worry: its coat doesn't mat.
"
"a broomballer chases the ball
on the ice with no skates on at all.
i guess this is tricky,
'cause ice isn't sticky,
and even with skates you can fall.
"
"when watching a live armadillo
in the plains, by the trunk of a willow,
its resemblance, i'm frank,
is more to a tank
than something that's soft like a pillow.
"
"the abstract of title defines
the facts and conveyances' lines
of all kinds of land
that come to my hand,
be they golf courses, graveyards, or mines.
"
"it is said that ed albee, the playwright,
penned a play (quite a gem) on a grey night.
when he came home from swimmin',
he wrote three tall women
and they stayed in his flat until daylight.
"
"when you've got something dandy to sell
and others don't find it so swell
(they just don't want to buy),
the advice i'd supply
is to advertise ? hopefully well!
"
"an acranius hasn't the hull
that is commonly known as the skull.
a fetus like this
will undoubtedly miss
growing up to be somebody dull.
"
"a good acupuncturist's known
for treating each pain, and he's shown
he can find pressure points
for those muscles and joints,
sticking needles in up to the bone.
"
"all the onlookers studied her feet
as her skirt swished in time to the beat.
they all would agree ? a
superb buler?a!
flamenco ? a real spanish treat!
"
"cadmic sulfide's a chemical known
for producing a yellowish tone.
and i think, what is more,
it's contained in zinc ore.
cds is its symbol, as shown.
"
"an abecedarian hated
retracting what he had created.
eraser in hand,
he just couldn't stand
when his ego was sorely deflated.
"
"christina aguilera's been reading
'bout benefits gained from breast feeding.
she hasn't been lax
with her new baby, max,
and her waistline is also receding!
"
"jon bon jovi, the singer, belongs
to a band that writes excellent songs.
with his grammy success,
he is sure to impress
all the ardently reverent throngs.
"
"your proportions are wrong ? that's the issue:
you're dieting always and wish you
were skinny.  your plight:
you're in need of more height
to disguise all your adipose tissue.
"
"a myth among biblical tales
tells of salome, dancing with veils.
do i need to allude
to her romp in the nude?
""get ahead through seduction"", she wails!
"
"the suitor was very salacious,
but sadie was so contumacious!
he thought she was looser
but couldn't induce her.
the maiden remained pertinacious.
"
"a designer and botanist, jeeves,
to ensure irish luck (he conceives),
will stencil trifolium
onto linoleum,
finely festooned with four leaves.
"
"when the best in fine dining you seek,
make your bed of potato and leek.
for a beef dish with flair,
add a medium-rare
piece of chateaubriand.  magnifique!
"
"scrooge's wife asked for hot salad ""caesar"".
so he ground extra pepper to please her.
as the chewing ensued,
she spat, seized, and spewed;
ebenezer had married a sneezer.
"
"""cook brooke, can you tell me the reason
that my tart's bitter, salty, and freezin'?
made of cherries it's not,
and it ought be brought hot.""
brooke confessed, ""i was just clafoutisin'!""
"
"by a star, the three wise men were led.
but they found, as they stood at his bed,
that the one brightest light
on that first christmas night
was the glow from the son of god's head.
"
"a plantsman from ireland receives
a fortuitous tip from rick steves?
on his dover endeavor,
finds clover he's never
encountered, with four, not three leaves.
"
"after sunday school, i asked my aunt,
""can i reach god whenever i want?""
""if you ask when you pray,
he will show you the way,
although clearly, immanuel kant.""
"
"read the bible; you'll soon comprehend
how god, through his love, does transcend.
in his son you will see
a man chosen to be
a sure path to a life without end.
"
"every land-lubbin' captive aboard
heard the rum-inspired pirate who roared,
""ye abhorred stinking dumb
scurvy scallywag scum,
walk the plank, or it's death by me sword!""
"
"chef jeff baked a fine feline strudel,
passed a piece to his prize pup, a poodle.
when the cook stepped away,
the sly pooch, a gourmet,
went and ate the whole kitten caboodle.
"
"quercus suber's thick bark (quite compressed)
is farmed for wine corks, the world's best.
at least mankind's drastic
obsession with plastic
might give this poor oak a brief rest.
"
"cook a mallard with salt in its lard;
when you serve, take the fat and discard.
when complete, it's a feat
that's replete with sweet meat;
eat the treat that's confit de canard.
"
"if you play with precision and speed,
but in various clefs you must read,
knowing which pitch is which
on each one is a bitch
and a sight-reader's nightmare, indeed.
"
"country music and cowgirls both shine
from their two halls of fame, each a shrine.
only these inductees
are in both: the three shes
are ms. walker, montana, and cline.
"
"how could hairs on one side of one's crown
not be coaxed up and over, then down,
when shania intones,
with her cross-over moans,
""comb on over"", in gossamer gown?
"
"bring the club; hold the mayo, but wait?
no tomatoes or greens; those i hate.
oh, and keep the forsaken
toast, chicken, and bacon;
just serve me the toothpicks and plate.
"
"try the conga, my dear, you can lick it.
put your hands on my hips; that's the ticket.
when the conga drums pound
and the line comes around,
follow me, take three steps, and then kick it!
"
"years of office work gave her the tools;
then her m. b. a. fine-tuned the rules.
this student from berkeley,
though quirkily clerkly,
now staffs secretarial pools.
"
"we are grateful claude rose to the task
and gave us his suite bergamasque
with the beautiful tune,
movement three, ""clair de lune"".
of composer, what more could we ask?
"
"with no pupil, my vision's obscure.
jazzman chick said he'd help out, for sure.
aside from the name,
acorea became
a great sponsor for optical cure.
"
"a contemptuous codger was potter?
one perverted, perfidious plotter.
i will choose, build, and own
through the building and loan;
the old shark won't catch me in his water.
"
"cornus florida, many agree,
is the best native flowering tree?
""the aristocrat"", per
the description by dirr,
who's a fine u.s. plant devotee.
"
"the plans for two rivers were made;
they will flow with bright colors displayed
till the conflux of two,
one dyed yellow, one blue,
turns a happy st. patrick's day jade.
"
"when we asked one world traveler's view
of the best of the places he knew,
he looked dazed and then mumbled,
""they've all gotten jumbled;
it's clear that i don't have a clou.""
"
"give the botanist, scopoli, blame,
for inaccurate spelling's a shame.
his transcribing first try
at catawba fell shy;
now, forever, catalpa's its name.
"
"once the draft board, by law, had insisted,
the pacifist duly enlisted.
he is one conscientious
objector dissentious
who's serving his country contristed.
"
"the greatest thing ever invented
is cleavage, when amply presented,
for a jaw-dropping stare
at an eye-popping pair
is a joy, when they're boldly un-tented.
"
"cliff was strung up by one of his friends.
will justice be served?  it depends.
we're all here awaiting
the jury's debating
to see how this cliffhanger ends.
"
"the poor rhino, a mammal, cornific,
has been hunted in numbers prolific.
people trust that the dust
of ground horn fuels their lust;
it's a bust?not a bit scientific.
"
"with its african rhythm, this song
drives a dance step that pulls you along.
grab those hips, that's the trick;
now three steps, then you kick,
'til the whole line is doing the cong...ga!
"
"desert island?  if that's where i'd landed,
i'm sure i would still be there, stranded.
my boat-building skill
is essentially nil;
i'm clumsy, inept; i'm cack-handed.
"
"a twitcher, in search of a bird,
made a promise that everyone heard.
""if that isn't a chat,
i'll devour my hat!""
it was not; he was true to his word.
"
"if there's carbon monoxide about,
then the miners just have to get out!
but how can one test?
the canary is best?
if it dies, then there's no room for doubt.
"
"he's so terribly slow to catch on!
she gives hints that she's no longer wan-
ting him near, but, oh dear,
it's as if he can't hear!
so she's writing a letter: dear john...
"
"the food police say it is folly
to gorge on the stuff we deem jolly.
each day we must eat
veggie servings, like beet,
carrots, cantaloupe, cabbage and cauli.
"
"my aunt's got a face like a hatchet
and a vicious bad temper to match it.
i've escaped her thus far?
now i've damaged her car!
if i scratch and don't patch it, i'll catch it?.
"
"capercaillie, a game bird, produced
seven chicks?what a family boost!
but neglecting her brood
made them sulky and rude?
now her chickens have come home to roost.
"
"there once was an avant-garde pharaoh
who ordered a peppermint aero.
the waiter (from spain)
didn't come, so again
the egyptian king yelled ""camarero!""
"
"don't do as my poor sister anne did!
she's managed to get herself landed
with a chap who's not right,
just by being polite?
with fellas, it's best to be candid.
"
"the cathedral at canterbury's tall
and majestic, the queen of them all.
oh, how your heart sings
when old bell harry rings!
and with luck, you may meet canon ball.
"
"let's explore underground! let's go caving
in caverns with stalagmites, braving
dark tunnels and mud.
let's just hope it won't flood?
if we're drowning, they won't see us waving.
"
"to be told to ""bog off"" (or ""get lost"")
is an insult that's frequently tossed.
but a bogof is nice;
it means something's half price?
two-for-one helps to cut down the cost.
"
"cr?me br?l?e is a pudding i'd pick!
make some custard; put sugar on thick,
then to caramelize,
use a grill if you're wise,
though a blow torch is fun, and it's quick.
"
"if you're small, and your fingers don't yet
reach the high notes, don't fret! i can bet
you can play your guitar
with your hands as they are?
clamp a capo behind the fifth fret.
"
"i'm off to the dentist today.
he'll examine my teeth, and he'll say
that dreaded word cavity?
dental depravity!
drilling, he'll fill while i pray.
"
"thirteen anapests laid end-to-end
form a limerick. heaven forfend
we'll be wasting our time
making everything rhyme!
obsession's not far round the bend...
"
"a cantankerous canon complained
'cos the canticle's colour had waned.
""careless chorister boys!""
he exclaimed. ""what a noise!
please enchant with your chant, or be caned!""
"
"if you aim to cook food that sustains,
then a casserole's worth all your pains.
such a  classy french stew
will bring credit to you,
for the dish, and the dish it contains.
"
"since i look like a dried-up old prune,
anti-wrinkle cream could be a boon.
what to do for the best?
nip and tuck like the rest?
i had better decide pretty soon...
"
"the fiery reverend ball
thought ""cathedral"" when he heard the call.
thus he rose to the chapter
and, sharp as a raptor,
canon ball is the best of them all.
"
"when you learn the piano, the key
that is easiest seems to be c.
it's quite elemental?
unless accidental,
from black notes you're totally free.
"
"with something important to write,
like ""danger"" or ""drive on the right"",
your elders and betters
use capital letters.
(the small ones just don't have that bite).
"
"the candlesticks fashioned by jim
are all elegant, lofty and slim,
whereas yours are quite dumpy;
they're lumpy and bumpy?
you can't hold a candle to him!
"
"we know carbon dioxide's produced
when the power of oil is unloosed.
now it's time we must learn
that for each ton we burn,
global warming is given a boost.
"
"c sharp's the note just above c.
in the scale of a major, it's mi.
on a keyboard, it's black,
and it suffers the lack
of distinction from flattening d.
"
"a byrd-loving cellist was keen
to play music from 1616.
but the guy was chucked out
by the gambists' rude shout:
""hey, you're sharp! we're at a415.""
"
"ever heard of the white cliffs of dover?
not the best place to build casa nova!
caco3
crumbles badly, you see,
so your new house could soon tumble over.
"
"see the witch as she laughs by her pot!
it's a cauldron, and bubbling hot?
but that cackling crone,
boiling bats' blood and bone,
could transform you right there on the spot!
"
"they ask: would i like to go bowling?
i demur. you should hear them cajoling!
they coax and they flatter.
what i say doesn't matter?
i'm going to set the balls rolling.
"
"i think cadmium's great in a glaze.
it produces a glorious blaze
of orange and red,
but let it be said:
if you eat it, it numbers your days.
"
"now let's see if i've got the gist:
this fellow, the aerialist,
rides on a trapeze
as he hangs from his knees?
i hope he won't try when he's pissed!
"
"to abram, god said, ""you must sac-
rifice isaac,"" but god took it back.
abram then changed his name:
abraham he became.
not his son, though. come on, ""isaahac""?
"
"the abortus, no subject for jest,
is a fetus whose life is not blessed
with completion to term,
so on this i am firm:
solemn tone for this topic is best.
"
"abandonment's not very nice.
'fore you do it, you'd better think twice:
it's awfully unkind
to leave children behind,
and illegal, so take my advice.
"
"when sleep is the state i'm in mentally,
i walk into walls accidentally.
mom cushioned the halls
to avert nasty falls;
q.e.d., i'm protected parentally.
"
"with a hose i shall water the soil
in my garden and then i shall toil
to roll up that thing
in the shape of a spring.
yes, to save storage space, i accoil.
"
"the design of a peg-leg prosthetic
in the days long ago was pathetic,
but doctors today
have a prettier way,
because plastic makes limbs more aesthetic.
"
"to those of you who are afflicted
with a thirst for a substance restricted,
the first step's to admit
you've a craving for it;
then seek help, for you know you're addicted.
"
"absentmindedness, i have been taught
is forgetting things that you should not,
such as failing to do
what's expected of you,
or like when you ... oh hell, i forgot.
"
"the birthstone of violet quartz
known as amethyst, legend purports,
protects one from drinking,
so imbibe without thinking
from cups made from gems of these sorts.
"
"if a country makes nuclear threats,
it had better be hedging its bets,
since the balance of terror
leaves scant room for error,
but plenty of room for regrets.
"
"i decided to take apiology
to learn more about bee physiology.
one unfortunate thing:
the nasty things sting.
i think i might switch to psychology.
"
"showing pooch at the grand akc,
you start out with a wholehearted plea:
that your dog will walk proud
to the cheers of the crowd
and will not lift his hind leg to pee.
"
"for those who consider it antic
to dabble in matters semantic,
i suggest that you study
the words that you muddy
that seem ill-informed or pedantic.
"
"when i met you 'twas love at first sight.
i thought you were handsome and bright.
and now that i know you
i hope i can show you
how happy i am to be right.
"
"an  attractant like perfume is nice,
but it's usually used to entice.
if you don't know her well
then you never can tell
if your interest might come at a price.
"
"those who have jobs managerial
will often act grand and imperial.
their great self-importance
does not compel sortance
from underlings administerial.
"
"'twas alleged that a crime was committed,
and a formal complaint was submitted,
but the court disagreed
and the jury took heed,
so the suspect was thereby acquitted.
"
"russian lecture drones on, blah blah blah;
students nod and agree, da da da.
concentration diminished,
it's finally finished.
they get up and cheer, rah rah rah!
"
"the lady in charge of admitting
is sitting there doing her knitting.
and you let out a groan
while she talks on the phone
as you stand there in pain unremitting.
"
"when your tummy you really abominate,
a bicarbonate tablet i'd nominate,
since the longer you wait,
the more you'll inflate.
you should not let your tummy (ab)dominate.
"
"some people appear to be cryptic,
and speak in a manner elliptic,
for as they well know,
if their weaknesses show,
the result could be apocalyptic.
"
"he seemed to be kind and assuaging,
but often was mean and enraging.
it seemed a foretoken,
and caused his bespoken 
to find him no longer engaging.
"
"a fuel cell that leaves no pollution,
and uses a boride solution,
could replace gasoline
for a car that runs clean ?
an automobile revolution.
"
"abbreviatory's o.k.
(in an a.s.a.p. sort of way),
for describing a word
cut to half or a third
or a fourth, on a shed-letter day.
"
"hearing ""either or both"", i see red.
use a phrase that's less awkward instead:
one that's easily reckoned,
that's typed in a second,
and clearer when sung and/or said.
"
"tragic ajax, the greek, has the willies
even though he avenged brave achilles.
the dead heel-man's armour
gets claimed by that charmer
ulysses, so ajax self-killies.
"
"when suzanne stubbed her toe, what a squawk!
as i carried her home, all her talk
was romantic. ""the bay!
can't we stroll down that way?""
""oh, you're ambulant? great! you can walk.""
"
"lament not, in poker, your poor hand;
just think, it could never be more bland
than if you foresaw
every card you would draw,
'cause you knew of the shuffle aforehand.
"
"should stimulus give him a play,
the abient bloke will not stay.
he's likely to split
or, quite frankly, to quit.
it's his nature to simply am-scray.
"
"to the building codes i've no adherence;
i consider such rules interference.
i'm constructing my walls
out of old bowling balls,
spurning safety as well as appearance.
"
"observe, won't you, with jocularity:
my functions have variable arity.
there's no fixed amount
to the operand count.
you supplied the wrong number? hilarity!
"
"the three faiths we call abrahamic
(the christian, judaic, islamic)
never seem to agree
so they fight endlessly.
alas, it's a trying dynamic.
"
"beware of the strict absolutist,
for even if he is the cutest,
he'd give all control
to just one ruling soul;
his reasoning's not the astutest.
"
"when the ash-breasted tit-tyrant bird
looks to mate, there's one hen that's preferred.
it's the black-breasted tit
that he'll look for and git
for some s&m frolics; my word!
"
"in the jungle you'll see brachiation,
a simian manifestation.
as they swing tree to tree
i keep thinking that we
could do likewise, if not for mutation.
"
"with no contract, the deal he affirms;
""you can trust me,"" he says as he squirms.
though it might seem unjust,
the words lawyer and  trust
are a clear contradiction in terms.
"
"a new biometric solution,
for crimes that have no attribution,
will attach an id
to the perp and set free
people held for unjust prosecution.
"
"they all stare and are taken aback
at the sense of decorum i lack.
my chest accessorius
makes me notorious,
causing a great deal of flack.
"
"when the market is bullish, i buy.
if it then becomes bearish, i cry.
but bullish or bearish,
it's all laissez faire-ish,
which can mean being left high and dry.
"
"i have stables and pigpens and byres,
all a gentleman farmer requires,
with my mares and my sows,
not to mention my cows,
winning all the awards in these shires.
"
"some children in public are brattish,
obnoxious, annoying, and rattish.
their behavior is rude,
it's disruptive and crude:
and frankly, they drive me quite battish.
"
"when a bassist is called for a date,
he's excited and pleased, feeling great.
but transporting his bass
is a different case,
which can leave him extremely irate.
"
"behold the inveterate fumbler:
ungainly, a klutz and a stumbler.
what he handles he'll break;
there's a mess in his wake.
i should know, since i live with this bumbler.
"
"it sounds like a nod and a wink
to the waiter, to order a drink;
but this pattern of lines,
called a bar code, defines
every price tag, in stripes of black ink.
"
"i tune in for those things i adore:
woman's hour, the archers, and more,
the afternoon play.
how empty, a day
without bbc radio 4!
"
"electrolysis process for brine
gives you chlorine and soda ash.  fine,
but titanium's pricey
and mercury's dicey?
castner-kellner's no pushover line.
"
"to be fearful of sound must be bad.
when you think of the fun to be had
from our laughter and song,
to need silence is wrong.
acousticophobia's sad.
"
"to make a new scarf for our john,
get big needles to knit it upon.
then you knit and you knit
and you knit and you knit,
then cast off.  (oh, to start with, cast on.)
"
"you're messing about. you're a drip.
your limericks give me the pip.
your standards are falling;
i think you're appalling?
for crying out loud, get a grip!
"
"if your chemical process will go,
but the speed of it's miserably slow,
add a magic ingredient,
super-expedient!
catalyse; keep the heat low.
"
"the batsman was bragging about
his great skill at the crease, his huge clout.
but alas, he had lied,
and his first ball he skied.
he was caught out, well, doubly caught out.
"
"stern rebuke: carbon crisis reviewed.
if we fail to take action, as cued
by this desperate warning,
the warming that's dawning
means famine and floods; then we're screwed.
"
"there was a young man of tralee
who drove (quite fast) into a tree.
he wailed, ""where's the bar?
i've banjaxed me car.
won't you buy me a guinness or three?""
"
"he was cheerful and pleased with his life.
she was angry and pulled out a knife.
though the late aforementioned
was quite well intentioned;
that couldn't be said of his wife.
"
"the black mamba is one nasty snake,
whose acquaintance you don't want to make.
since those who get bitten
with poison are smitten,
they pay for their fatal mistake.
"
"i know that the rumors are baseless,
and the people who spread them are faceless,
but i heard on the wire
where there's smoke, there's a fire.
so darling, i'm forced to be graceless.
"
"he was hoping his stay would be briefer;
he's in jail just for smoking a reefer.
but he gets so laid back,
spends his time in the sack,
so what does he need to be free fer?
"
"""i'm accepting all comers,"" said he,
""i can win any fight as you'll see.""
then a hulk came along,
quickly proving him wrong.
he whined, ""how could this happen to me?""
"
"at the table a boarding house reach
isn't something good parents will teach.
other guests will conclude
your behavior's quite rude:
of good manners a serious breach.
"
"some people have certain proclivities
that lead to forbidden activities.
then the rest have a choice:
to their doubts giving voice
or deciding to join the festivities.
"
"all proper and prim was the bride,
who found bigamy hard to abide.
how on earth could she know
as she marched all aglow
she was marrying jekyll and hyde?
"
"an artist who's truly inspired
is a person i've always admired.
when he uses his heart
while creating his art,
then my deepest respect he's acquired.
"
"when i'm driving, it's (to my dismay)
guaranteed i'll be going astray.
a brain disconnection
denies me direction
that's needed for finding my way.
"
"it's apparent this marriage won't work,
since it's clear that you think i'm a jerk.
you've encroached on my life,
causing discord and strife;
if i stay here, you'll drive me berserk.
"
"it is said, when the stars are aligned,
that your horoscope may be defined.
so what i want to know
is, when good luck they show,
why's it always bad luck that i find?
"
"his prospects were poor, rather bleakish.
his demeanor was sad; he looked peakish.
demoralization
was now his life's station.
was it his fault the market got freakish?
"
"made a box that is carved out and beechen,
in the workshop that's what they've been teachin'.
i have learned all i should
about workin' in wood,
now the joy of my craft i'll be preachin'.
"
"at times when i feel vitriolic,
i'll grab for a drink alcoholic.
but it worsens my mood
when i guzzle and brood;
then i really become diabolic.
"
"some people avoid altercation
by engaging in base assentation.
if it helps them to win,
they'll lie with a grin
while pretending profuse admiration.
"
"give grandma a kiss and wave bye-bye,
and thank her again for the mai tai,
and the weed that she shared;
let's just hope she's not snared
'fore she visits again in her tie-dye.
"
"""by accepting this contract,"" he said,
""you're agreeing to work 'til you're dead,
every day, nights and weekends
and then, when your peak ends,
expect to be dumped on your head.""
"
"when accosted it's best to reply
in a manner not trembling or shy.
you must push him away
without any delay,
and then hastily bid him goodbye.
"
"the problem must soon be addressed.
it's making me anxious, obsessed.
i need a solution,
or mental pollution
will drive me bananas?i'm stressed!
"
"a byzantinist studies the past
of an empire doomed not to last.
his quest for the story
of byzantine glory
brings tales of great riches amassed.
"
"i'm afraid it's bad news that i've got.
i heard that your lawyer's been shot.
if you quail at the thought
and you feel overwrought,
then just look who's been put on the spot.
"
"the weather's been frigid and snowy.
my snow blower's shiny and showy.
so i'll do all that work
but will feel like a jerk
if the weather becomes very blowy.
"
"if you've met an old friend on the street,
and forgotten his name, be discreet.
buying time with some chatter
might clear up the matter;
if not, make a graceful retreat.
"
"the bugler makes sounds sharp and clear,
guaranteed to bring pain to your ear.
if i'm playing my cello
in front of this fellow,
i'll soon be unable to hear.
"
"when he counted his wealth, it was vast;
there was money in piles he'd amassed.
when his friends asked him how,
he did not disavow
it was baseness and greed unsurpassed.
"
"he moves as though walking through sludge;
my entreaties can't get him to budge.
i wish in my dream
we could get up some steam,
but he's torpid, so onward we trudge.
"
"she brings to this forum new meaning
without common sense intervening.
when it comes to sheer nerve,
she has plenty of verve,
but an absence of good mental screening.
"
"in my nose there's a bone with a hollow;
each cold causes symptoms to follow.
my malfunctioning antrum
may bring on a tantrum:
i cough and i choke and can't swallow.
"
"the valkyrie brynhild or brunhilde,
found her hero, and siegfried fulfilled her.
singing ""hoyotoho!""
she pampered her beau,
'til siegfried's betrayal, which killed her.
"
"if you're learning to play the bass viol,
you'll have to get into the style
of composer marais.
wow, he's fiendish to play
on six strings, with a bow! but worthwhile.
"
"for calligraphy, get some black ink,
a nice pen, some posh paper, then think!
form your letters with care;
add some curls, but beware?
you'll make a mistake if you blink.
"
"those things that you take when you roam?
creams, liquids and gels, shaving foam:
now airline security
will question their purity!
i'm leaving my toothpaste at home.
"
"b flat is a tone below c,
and a tone and a half above g.
it's a fourth above f
and, whatever the clef,
it's a semitone lower than b.
"
"the music of william byrd,
played on viols ? a treat to be heard!
so serene, so sublime
that the passage of time
goes awry as emotions are stirred.
"
"for a potter, there's magic in barium!
it's the power with glazes to vary 'em
so that blues veer to green
and then take on a sheen
that would grace the most vibrant aquarium.
"
"my favourite composer is byrd,
which some may find faintly absurd
in this day and age
when hip-hop's the rage,
but it's byrd-song i've always preferred.
"
"a bison's related to kine,
but for those who speak cockney or strine
it sounds like the basin
for washing your face in ?
in a cow? maybe yours, but not mine!
"
"candied fruit was a holiday treat
for the family ?  homemade and sweet.
the fruit was first boiled,
then with sugar was broiled:
a delicious confection to eat.
"
"the cost of this war is in billions;
we're killing iraqi civilians.
lots of blood has been spilled,
countless innocents killed:
bush's cronies are counting their millions.
"
"the calliope's value is moot;
it plays music resembling a hoot.
when it toots like a whistle
the noise makes me bristle ?
vocal beauty is not its long suit.
"
"some beetles live under a rock ?
but, when moved, it can cause quite a shock.
crawly bugs make me squirm,
whether insect or worm,
and i hate to be near where they flock.
"
"iraqis are bombed, their lives shattered;
they wear clothing that's bloody and tattered.
ain't democracy grand ?
are your heads in the sand?
for bush, only oil ever mattered.
"
"can't sleep? have some camomile tea.
it will soothe you and then you will be
all ready for slumber,
no stress  to encumber
descent into sleep, as you'll see.
"
"a carper is always complaining;
he whines, finding fault and disdaining
attempts to appease him;
there's no way to please him ?
his manner's unpleasant and draining.
"
"a carouser careens down the street,
barely able to stay on his feet.
he acts like a lout
as he staggers about;
his behavior is far from discreet.
"
"after work we all went to the caff,
drank some wine there and had a good laugh.
but the drink got to mabel,
who danced on the table
while naked ? good grief! what a gaffe.
"
"the gossips are brimming with malice;
they've heard something's wrong at the palace.
true or false?  they don't care;
their kind never play fair.
it's their role to be petty and callous.
"
"""you must fight for your country, be brave ?""
what they say belies how they behave.
they'll send your kids to die
and don't care if you cry;
they're not sending their child to his grave.
"
"i'm a parrot who lives in a cage;
i am clever and love to upstage
the people who feed me;
they don't deign to heed me,
but i'm cagy ? i make them engage.
"
"i will cancel my membership now,
since i really can't understand how
you concurred in this sham,
put us all in a jam;
to your members you broke a clear vow.
"
"i recall with some pain my first campout.
it had rained, it was cold, it was damp out.
i woke up, had to pee;
it was night, couldn't see
'cause the wind blew my kerosene lamp out.
"
"off we go, music blares, my head's spinning.
horses prance, moving fast, ""am i winning?""
start again ? hear the bell?
it's the zoo carousel,
and we ride round and round, children grinning.
"
"he gaped at me, eyes wide, askance,
when i walked up and asked him to dance;
for as i've become older,
i've gotten much bolder,
forgetting i'm not worth a glance.
"
"when white collar crimes leave a trail
that can send their connivers to jail,
there are lawyers who're known
for their ways to postpone
a comeuppance, and free them on bail.
"
"camels are strong but look frumpy;
if you ride one your trip will be bumpy.
a most useful mammal:
the bactrian camel
(the one who's excessively humpy).
"
"crackling wood means it's time for a snack;
toast your marshmallows golden, not black.
the campfire's burning
and roasting sticks turning:
after this no one wants to go back.
"
"a caique is a parrot or boat;
i don't know if the parrot can float,
but the boat can be found
in the waters around
greece and turkey, near islands remote.
"
"the cadger wants something for free,
so he sets about badgering me.
but he's made a mistake;
if he wants to partake,
quid pro quo is what i will decree.
"
"as a youngster i wore my hair braided,
with strands interwoven and plaited.
but that coif is too childish ?
i need to look stylish;
my hairdo must now be upgraded.
"
"i cannot help writing this stuff,
my husband says ""stop, it's enough"",
but i can't seem to stop;
i will write till i drop
so i guess i'll just have to hang tough.
"
"i think calories don't really matter;
it's coincidence i'm getting fatter.
i will eat what i please,
no more carrots and peas;
now just candy and cake on my platter.
"
"i'm  burnt out, i've had it, it's ended!
my energy's all been expended.
at the end of my rope,
i can no longer cope
with all of the ways you've offended.
"
"when they found she was not of their station,
they suddenly forced cancellation
of the wedding they'd planned.
they took such a strong stand
that their actions caused quite a sensation.
"
"when asked to be honest and candid,
i try to be frank, evenhanded.
but a choice i must face;
do i fudge just in case
as ""a bitch"" by some jerk i'll be branded?
"
"if you think you've a certain cachet,
a je ne sais quoi, let us pray
that your head doesn't swell;
even if you excel
you should know you've got feet made of clay.
"
"a buck passer's one who excuses
his errors with rank he misuses.
if the buck's passed to you
there is grief to ensue,
since you'll be the guy he abuses.
"
"his braillewriter's script is the pits.
its embosser is now on the fritz.
instead of neat pimples,
it forms ragged dimples?
it's driving him out of his wits.
"
"there are thoughts that just bypass my brain,
blurted out with no filter. in vain,
whether wicked or droll,
i have tried self-control,
but a lack of restraint is my bane.
"
"you are not certifiably nuts,
but you've sure got a surfeit of guts.
when i asked if you'd fly,
i meant planes in the sky,
not a jump off the roof, you dumb putz.
"
"cell division is what gives us life;
but mitosis with problems is rife,
since when growth goes askew
and it's cancer, it's true
you may find yourself under the knife.
"
"the bulk of the ads that i see,
in newspapers and on tv,
cause an inverse effect ?
it's my need to reject
people making a chump out of me.
"
"where on earth are you likely to meet
a creature with lovely blue feet?
the galapagos isles;
perched on lava rock piles,
the blue-footed booby's a treat!
"
"a cello's but one of a section
of celli; that makes a collection
of cellos all playing
(some moving, some swaying)
together, in search of perfection.
"
"when walking onstage with the cello,
my body starts turning to jello.
my palms are all sweaty,
my legs like spaghetti ?
i must tune out my fear and get mellow.
"
"a decider decides what to do,
and a causer will carry it through.
the deciders are lying,
the causers are dying ?
how sad that the world's so askew.
"
"the sonorous tones of the cello
evoke love songs, warm, languid and mellow.
but it's also eclectic ?
when the music gets hectic
it can let out a pretty fierce bellow.
"
"the cello's the love of my life;
when i'm playing, all worry and strife
seem to vanish away,
some enchantment holds sway ?
a lifeline when troubles are rife.
"
"spoiled rotten from birth he has been;
his behavior's a cause of chagrin.
and the problem is that
when he acts like a brat
he soon finds that his welcome wears thin.
"
"""wha'sa matter?"" he slurred alcoholically.
""i'm upset,"" she replied melancholically.
""i'm sick of your drinking,
your breath always stinking,""
and she raved on and on vitriolically.
"
"a bassoonist makes sounds low and mellow.
his range is like that of the cello.
his solos are soulful,
most pensive and doleful,
he must be a very sad fellow.
"
"when a painting is dubbed ashcan school,
it's not pleasant to see, as a rule.
it depicts city life
with its squalor and strife,
full of struggle and hardship most cruel.
"
"these days when we think of air travel,
it causes our nerves to unravel.
those security checks
can turn folks into wrecks ?
i doubt there are many who'd cavil.
"
"it's many a time i've been chided,
for all of the time that i've bided.
i'm told that i'm lazy,
but isn't that crazy?
just see the results i've provided.
"
"a beach flea's an amphipod wee,
a creature that lives by the sea.
this tiny crustacean
begets detestation;
a miserable pest, you'll agree.
"
"he assumed that a bottle of brandy
would assist him in making her randy.
but his gift was for naught;
'twould have worked if he'd bought
her a ring and a big box of candy.
"
"she was wearing a gown that was backless.
it was tempting to say something tactless.
the back was so daring,
i couldn't help staring
to check that the rear view was crackless.
"
"to whiten your hairdo with blueing,
it's best that you know what you're doing.
if you add too much dye
it could turn out awry;
blue hair in the mirror you're viewing.
"
"with one who's as sharp as a tack,
good banter is fun ? verbal flak.
but if he who's so smart
doesn't have a good heart,
you could find yourself stabbed in the back.
"
"a new baby, what wonderful news!
but for some moms a struggle ensues.
its severest expression ?
postpartum depression,
in milder form called baby blues.
"
"alca torda, or razor-billed auk,
is a seabird, with penguin-like walk.
he dives for the food
that will nourish his brood,
and when mating, emits a loud squawk.
"
"when you're trolling for carp, don't complain
if the fish are not biting. refrain
from all carping and whining;
the day's bright and shining.
carpe diem ? break out the champagne.
"
"were you there when they scattered and flew?
aren't you scared you'll catch avian flu?
if you handled that chick,
you could end up so sick
all your plans would go right up the flue.
"
"he cagily plans his deception;
his arrogance mars his perception.
his verbal pollution
invites retribution,
and voters are taking exception.
"
"when a boxer steps into the ring,
his nerves must be coiled like a spring.
at the sound of the bell,
as the crowd starts to yell,
the fighter gets ready to swing.
"
"her game was to captivate men.
once she lured them, she robbed them ? and then,
with one shot to the head,
she would render them dead,
and they'd never be heard from again.
"
"i fixed him a candlelit dinner,
since i thought i had found me a winner.
but romance went amiss
when he gave me a kiss:
it turned out he was just a beginner.
"
"it's not likely a blond piece of fluff
will be strutting around in the buff.
most nudists you'll see
look like you and like me;
soon you'll find that you've seen quite enough.
"
"it seems that the news isn't changing ?
there are scandals and killings, far-ranging.
the stuff that i'm reading
is quickly proceeding
to prove itself wholly estranging.
"
"i've been told i've a mind analytic ?
do you think it's my background? (semitic.)
every thought is explored,
not a word is ignored,
each encounter's a test diacritic.
"
"cioppino's a most tasty dish,
made of several species of fish,
veggies, wine, spices too,
all cooked up in a stew;
it's a meal that is truly delish.
"
"he was handsome, and dripping with charm,
using saccharine words to disarm.
the people he cheated,
their savings depleted,
rejoiced when that crook came to harm.
"
"that cinnamon bun looked too sticky;
i declined it because i'm so picky.
but i walked through the mall
and i heard the bun call...
now my hands are disgustingly icky.
"
"charlie chaplin ? great actor and clown;
his beloved little tramp was his crown.
he wrote and directed;
acclaimed and respected,
his genius earned worldwide renown.
"
"feeling sick? stomach's churning and talky?
try antacid, it's calcic and chalky.
i know it's not yummy,
but soothing your tummy
takes crunching, so please don't be balky.
"
"they said when my wife was abducted,
the kidnappers found she obstructed
the plan they had made
when plotting their raid;
if they'd known her they'd surely have chucked it.
"
"i've been called to a meeting you're chairing,
and i know you'll be quite overbearing.
you think you're so clever ?
but i know, however,
the mistakes that you make will be glaring.
"
"when every day feels like a chase,
then it's time for a nice change of pace.
so you shift your location
and go on vacation ?
then return like a rat to the race.
"
"the girls got together today
and cattily chatted away.
no one got up to leave
'cause each knew she'd receive
the same treatment, and be the next prey.
"
"a word and the thing that it shows
are related?but how? no one knows.
primal fact, or convention?
such bones of contention
have had people coming to blows.
"
"he's a cowering, quivering mess;
his mom found him wearing her dress.
but here's the real catch ?
shoes and handbag don't match;
that's what really is causing distress.
"
"carpet bombing is not bombing rugs,
and it's not just like stepping on bugs.
lots of people are dying
when bombers are flying.
those who do it are murderous thugs.
"
"a wonderful gift is alation
(""having wings"" if you'd like a translation).
to be able to fly
and to soar in the sky
has always evoked fascination.
"
"the campsite was rocky and hilly:
i knew that to camp out was silly.
'cause sleep in a sack
is not good for my back,
i awake with an ache ? and i'm chilly.
"
"to play serious bridge you must know
all the rules and conventions, and go
to competitive games
where everyone blames
their partners when good hands they blow.
"
"it's playful and has a loud shriek,
that colorful bird, the caique
(which can also mean boat
'round greek islands afloat;
at least that doesn't bite out of pique).
"
"when the capos arranged for a meeting,
a conflict arose about seating.
it was solved hit or miss
and was sealed with a kiss;
any victory won was quite fleeting.
"
"some cardplayers love to play poker,
and their favorite card is the joker,
by some gamblers reviled ?
'cause the joker is wild:
it's a godsend for bets mediocre.
"
"she's cosmetically challenged, poor thing;
and she looks like a clown on a fling.
every day's halloween
for this rosy-cheeked queen,
over-perfumed and covered in bling.
"
"the coala, who looks like a bear,
has sharp claws and no tail and short hair.
he's small, grey and furry,
moves slowly, no hurry,
eucalyptus his home and his fare.
"
"almost all situations arising
from attempts to be self-aggrandizing
have unpleasant results,
such as sneers and insults,
both befitting and hardly surprising.
"
"a musician who's classically trained
has a knowledge of history gained.
so each musical style
is played, after a while,
with the sense of its meaning ingrained.
"
"when he asked me to cosign a loan,
my response was an agonized groan.
my brain was assaulted
by the times he'd defaulted;
not a chance ?  the guy's cover was blown.
"
"as you hike through the heather and bracken,
your pace will most certainly slacken.
as your feet get entangled
and clothing  gets mangled,
the brakes make it hard to get crackin'.
"
"chamber orchestras: i've been employed
as a cellist and really enjoyed
the small group interaction ?
there's more satisfaction
in playing, less stress to avoid.
"
"while in paris she made coq au vin ?
she cooked chicken she stewed in a pan.
next she added some wine,
drank the rest, felt just fine,
then went out and she found her a man.
"
"in summer camp i was a scamp;
at night i'd sneak out with a lamp,
deck the grounds with great glee
and a roll of tp.
for mischief, i reigned as camp champ!
"
"he was known to be bad to the core,
cruel, sadistic and mean, and what's more,
he deceived, lied and cheated ?
those near, he mistreated.
his resting place? hell's bottom floor.
"
"in paris, a warm sunny day
means a walk on the champs ?lys?es.
and i see, as i march,
a bright golden arch ?
it's mcdonalds, and i'm in dismay!
"
"i envision him locked up, in chains ?
it's the least he deserves for his pains;
for the carnage he's brought
and destruction he's wrought.
he's a fool with much power, no brains.
"
"i walk with my ear to the celly
when i find myself far from the telly.
i can't abide silence ?
i like noise, even violence;
my brain's likely turning to jelly.
"
"i was twelve when i held my first cello;
i was taught by a strict, but nice, fellow.
i knew right away
that i wanted to play
and make wonderful sounds, rich and mellow.
"
"he's a bad-minded son of a gun;
when he walks down the street, better run.
he's so mean it's a shame ?
it's not him that's to blame:
seems of loving, he never got none.
"
"i'm trying to learn all about
how to socialize nicely without
foot-in-mouth, to deter
all the gaffes that occur
when i bypass my brain and just spout.
"
"once cables were state-of-the-art;
they were sent overseas to impart
news of death or of birth,
or some business of worth,
or touch base in affairs of the heart.
"
"my apartment is finally cabled
to get tv and phone lines enabled.
i see wires galore,
they're all over the floor ?
i'm in trouble unless they get labeled.
"
"when you're centrally placed you are able
to converse with more folks at your table.
and in politics too,
the more centrist your view
the more people will listen, not label.
"
"at a bake sale i tend to go wild?
want to try one of each, like a child.
so it's good i take pride
in my waistline or i'd
get so fat that i'd really be riled.
"
"at the start of our cruise?embarkation,
but once we set sail?consternation.
since this crossing's not easy,
our stomachs are queasy;
at last back on land?jubilation.
"
"brucella's a coccobacillus,
parasitic and able to kill us.
its deadly potential
becomes exponential,
a very real threat which should chill us.
"
"an unethical huckster, karl rove,
created a real treasure trove,
full of falsehood and lies
for george w's guys.
quite a web of deception he wove.
"
"a sweet tooth is always my bane;
i try to resist, but in vain.
when food passes my lips
it goes right to my hips,
and dessert is the culprit, it's plain.
"
"self-delusion's an interesting thing,
look at people who think they can sing.
have you heard karaoke?
few things are more hokey.
what an earful of pain it can bring!
"
"'cause i love cheese and ice cream, i know
it would probably be apropos
for me to go stake out
a dairy for take out.
i'd name it, of course, ""whey to go"".
"
"with your attitude so laissez-faire,
only psychics would know if you care.
crystal gazing is not
a strong talent i've got,
so i'll pass on a trip to your lair.
"
"your behaviour is cannibalistic;
eating people is quite atavistic.
no offense here, you see,
just be sure it's not me
who evokes this strange characteristic.
"
"conocarpus is one of a kind.
it's a tropical shrub that you'll find
in the u. s. of a.
called a button tree ? say,
does a zipper tree now come to mind?
"
"""get him right to the hospital, now.
it looks bad, you've a rough road to plow.""
this confirms my worst fears
and i burst into tears;
to help him get well is my vow.
"
"the word awesome as currently used
isn't awesome at all?it's abused.
it grates on my ear
when such nonsense i hear;
it's true grandeur and trivia confused.
"
"on my sailboat i felt like a loser,
so i bought me a new cabin cruiser.
now i live on the seas
and can swamp whom i please;
i've gone from abused to abuser.
"
"the experts all told us in chorus
of a dinosaur called brontosaurus.
his construction was shoddy?
wrong head on the body.
we now call him  apatosaurus.
"
"he looked back on the crimes he'd abetted,
and felt like a punk; he regretted
the life he had led?
he thought that instead,
it should have been more that he netted.
"
"quite a bucko he was in his youth;
had a swagger, was loud and uncouth.
now we're all very grateful,
he's getting less hateful
the longer he gets in the tooth.
"
"don't let budgetary woes get you down;
you'll never see bush with a frown.
his solution to debt?
just spend more; so don't fret,
you can follow his lead; play the clown.
"
"a toy soldier's our first in command;
""stay the course,"" he directs, flag in hand.
some wish he were brighter,
this bold and brave fighter
ensconced in his fantasy land.
"
"you should know that your mom's never wrong;
i've been telling you this all along,
so when you're all grown up
and no longer a pup,
you can sing your own kids the same song.
"
"'twas a breach of good manners to broach
the inheritance; that would encroach
on the process of mourning;
she was given fair warning,
but her greed overrode all reproach.
"
"i've found it extremely provoking
to do business with someone in broking.
when he loses my money
my mood isn't sunny,
and curses are what i'm invoking.
"
"cor blimey! i'm drunk, i've transported;
i can't think 'cause my brain feels contorted.
i woke up feeling green,
singing ""god save the queen"";
i'm in england now ? i've been exported!
"
"as businesses doctor accounts
in increasingly greater amounts,
it seems that consumers
are losing their bloomers;
it's money they're bleeding in founts.
"
"so they've made you the envoy to france;
when you get there you must take a glance
at the champs elysees
and the grand quai d'orsay,
while rehearsing your peacemaking stance.
"
"the casino is jumping tonight?
noise and smoke, and the lights are too bright.
the slots clang away
luring suckers to play;
most are stressed and on edge?quite a sight!
"
"be aware, while you play and cavort,
or indulge in your favorite sport,
that though now you're a pup
soon your time will be up?
tempus fugit, i.e. life is short.
"
"the new year is here, old one's done;
it will be a good year, full of fun
for those who are lucky,
whose lives are just ducky;
for others the pain's just begun.
"
"the effigy burning right now
was yesterday's most sacred cow.
when the people rebel
then the statues they fell
are of tyrants they now disavow.
"
"i wake up to a high whiney buzz;
it's a sound that i dread. what it does
is to jolt me awake?
the mosquito's mistake.
he's a goner, an insect that was.
"
"when distracted i act like a ditz,
and my brain seems to go on the fritz.
as i walk through the crowds
with my head in the clouds,
the result is a one woman blitz.
"
"there's a style that i truly detest,
worn by many with good income blessed.
in torn blue jeans they pose,
while they're mimicking those
who've no choice about how they are dressed.
"
"i'm a chideress; some call me ""nag"" ?
i don't think that's an accurate tag.
i start many a fight
'cause i know that i'm right.
does that make me a nasty old hag?
"
"when you feel in a mood recreational,
go to church, join a group congregational.
you'll meet people galore ?
though some could make you snore,
you just might hear some gossip sensational.
"
"i'm the crankiest kid in the class,
and my meanness is hard to surpass.
i'm a very bad sport
and revenge is my forte?
if you sass me you'll land on your ass.
"
"when climbing a tree that starts bending,
you'd better start quickly descending.
if you fail to turn back
you might hear a loud crack
and may find you've got bones that need mending.
"
"coeternity ? wow!  what i've heard,
means together forever ? absurd.
it is not very smart
to spend no time apart;
if i must, let it be with my bird.
"
"the oedilf is a labor of love;
rhyme and meter, all combos thereof.
words swim in our crania,
causing this mania;
skulldrudgery?  nope ? see above.
"
"got involved with a heist, went to jail,
and my buddy refused to post bail.
before trial copped a plea?
i'll be out soon; now he
is inside, 'cause i told a tall tale.
"
"i'm a renegade, not to be led;
every rule and restriction i'll shed.
antiformalist, i'll
create my own style,
and be a free spirit instead.
"
"as i creakingly get out of bed,
and my joints want to lie down instead,
i groan and i mumble
a curse as i stumble;
those first steps in the morning i dread.
"
"wherever you are i will cq,
though i know that you think me an tq
arouse all my passion,
in such a strong fashion
i persist, though i know that i pq.
"
"when doc prescribes something emulsive,
and you drink it and find it revulsive,
keep a stiff upper lip
though you gag as you sip;
downing milk of magnesia's repulsive.
"
"if i'm envying you your possession,
it could mean that i've got an obsession.
admiration it's not ?
i just want what you've got.
i'm so jealous it's causing depression.
"
"great heavens above, what a dither!
everyone's hither and thither.
i don't think they're to blame
because i'd do the same
if i saw something move with a slither.
"
"i try to envision humanity
unflawed by its poisonous vanity.
as guardians of earth
we should value its worth?
put a stop to our current insanity.
"
"my eavestrough has spouted a leak?
and the lawn has acquired a creek.
if the rain doesn't stop,
we'll be wading in slop,
'cause the roofer can't come 'til next week.
"
"foreign policy in the u.s.
has caused many a nation distress.
disguised as democracy,
the height of hypocrisy?
it's empire building, no less.
"
"the red-breasted merganser, or earlduck,
is a highly skilled bird, a real pearl duck,
with a saw for a beak,
a fish hunter unique;
after breeding he looks like a girl duck.
"
"first sharp objects, no nail files to use.
shoe bombs next, you must take off your shoes.
then it's liquid and gel;
to enplane now is hell?
what comes next? time to go on a cruise!
"
"so here we are, eggs in a carton?
our lives are a tale to dishearten.
we could have been fowl
they might disembowel,
but as omelets we'll now be departin'.
"
"it's been said he's emetically gifted:
when the odor he emanates drifted
to all those within range,
they began feeling strange
and they barfed 'til the horrid smell lifted.
"
"bow down to the emperor, dear;
be submissive, his glory is clear.
and his arrogant mien
is derived from a gene
that makes him appear quite austere.
"
"cdb! is a  book that i took
from my bookshelf; it's been long forsook.
each letter's a word;
using numbers? ? preferred.
u-l  c;  u  b  1  4  a  look.
"
"an abominable bug is the crab louse:
not your regular, everyday drab louse,
but a specialist; he
infests pubic hair ? we
are all hoping he winds up a lab louse.
"
"my nose is all clogged up and runny;
i've got an idea ? you have money?
i hate the cold weather
so let's go together
to southerly climes, warm and sunny.
"
"it's catchy, this tune in my head;
i'd prefer something else in its stead.
it was heard on tv,
and i offer this plea:
please, oh please, let this imprint be shed.
"
"in his fifties he thinks he's a stud;
in reality, middle aged dud.
this avowed cradle-snatcher
has failed as girl catcher?
his advances all land with a thud.
"
"it's a climate of fear he's engendered,
and corruption and greed that he's tendered.
this litany of woes
has to change when he goes,
to offset the disasters he's rendered.
"
"do you think that this ad's justifiable?
looking for woman, reliable,
must be rich and attractive
with a brain that is active ?
and also, she must be compliable.
"
"i'm dating a guy, thinks he's cleverish,
and i think as he speaks, ""this guy's neverish.""
as he prattles and brags,
on and on the date drags.
help! i want him out now ? and foreverish.
"
"the bridge club is coming for lunch;
we're planning to play while we munch.
cheese souffl?'s what i'll make
(common sense i'll forsake)
but there's always some spam in a crunch.
"
"i'm invited to go to a party?
fancy-dress, but the food won't be hearty.
sculptors, writers-in-verse,
fashionistas and worse:
so pretentious, and so arty-farty.
"
"see those pots with a lopsided list
that the ceramist potted while pissed?
he glugged whisky slugs
from his mugs and his jugs!
now the pottering pisspot's dismissed.
"
"just as well diagnostical tests can
detect little lumps that our chests can
brew up. but we'd wish
our boobs less of a squish
when we go for our annual breast scan.
"
"this expert in clay fashions lots
of great stoneware ? some plain, some with spots.
this glaze-guru geezer
is kiln-savvy ? he's a
ceramicist: maker of pots.
"
"those men who are wearing big boots
whisper slyly as one of them moots
something sinister ? what,
the gunpowder plot?
they're with guy fawkes; they're all in cahoots.
"
"this tale of disaster is stark.
little mark had a swim, for a lark.
he dived in off amity?
then, oh, calamity!
lost both his legs to a shark.
"
"under blue ocean waves and the breeze
swim cetacea; you may hear them wheeze
as they blow.  neptune hails
these magnificent whales,
as they cruise the cerulean seas.
"
"what a troublesome, noisy young fellow!
you exuberant boy, must you bellow?
make a mellower sound:
gentle, velvety, round?
could you try to be more like a cello?
"
"when he angers he's close-tongued, not speaking;
it's torture for her, havoc wreaking.
his silence ignites
a torrent of fights,
and often provokes her to shrieking.
"
"my confectory flair shows in treats,
such as pastries and candied fruit sweets.
in my drive for perfection,
i taste each confection ?
i'm no longer wearing petites.
"
"if you're shaped like a cup, then you're chaliced.
if you're wearing suspenders, you're gallused.
but whatever you've got,
there's one thing i have not;
that's because you're a man, and you're phallused.
"
"my teenager wasn't convincible
when i told him he wasn't invincible.
when he got home last night
he'd just lost a big fight;
he sees what i mean now ? he's wince-able.
"
"in politics, if you're coercible,
your morality might be reversible.
the sycophants love you,
the lobbyists shove you
toward all kinds of favors dispersible.
"
"""don't play in the coalbin,"" said mother.
""if coal shifts and you slip, you could smother.""
of course, this temptation
held great fascination,
so we both climbed in, me and my brother.
"
"the life of a big city cabby
is enough to make anyone crabby.
drive a cab in new york
and you'll sure pop your cork
between traffic and passengers gabby.
"
"i pestered my mom, to promote
the idea of a camel hair coat.
but despite all the drumming
no coat was forthcoming;
all i managed to get was her goat.
"
"it's uncanny that when i feel glamorous,
the children decide to be clamorous.
by the time they calm down
i am left with a frown ?
it ensures i'll no longer feel amorous.
"
"the noise level here is unbearable,
and the earplugs i have are not wearable.
there's clanging and clamoring
most gotterdammering ?
my eardrums will be unrepairable.
"
"her voice is quite cackly and shrill;
she nags and she's over the hill.
it's time to take action,
since my satisfaction
and happiness levels are nil.
"
"a bane of existence, alack,
are the friends who persistently clack.
ever onward they prate,
unaware how they grate
on my nerves as they blather and yack.
"
"i wish i could be like a bonobo;
in the forest i'd go where i wanna go.
i'd make love 'stead of fighting,
friend and foe both delighting.
unlimited sex play ? geronimo!
"
"an insect who's much too gregarious,
is the bedbug, cimex lectularius.
this miserable pest
your bed will infest;
he's a bad bug, his mission nefarious.
"
"a chamber of horrors, dear readers,
you'll find when you look at our leaders.
as their greed goes unchecked,
all around lives are wrecked.
they are neocons all, bottom feeders.
"
"my circadian rhythm is nil;
i love the wee hours so still.
in the morning i sleep ?
the strange hours i keep
allow me to lay back and chill.
"
"""we have to adjust to prevail,""
says bush, of iraq. ""mustn't fail.""
and so, four years older,
still shoulder to shoulder,
behold the two b's. what a tale!
"
"let's go blackberrying, just you and i!
along hedgerows we'll search, and we'll vie
to see which of us musters
more shiny black clusters
for apple and blackberry pie.
"
"i feel comfortless ? life's a bad dream,
and i just can't get up any steam.
i know i'm a jerk
who can't find any work;
i no longer fit into the scheme.
"
"the conversableness of some men
seems to rally at sports events when
they are part of a throng
and male bonding is strong;
once they're home they are silent again.
"
"when he speaks, his words cause me to shrink,
and his nastiness drives me to drink.
he caustically pokes ?
then he says they're just jokes;
i think i should sever this link.
"
"america's aggrandization
has made us a much hated nation.
our hubris-acquired
mistakes have conspired
to lose us the world's admiration.
"
"if your hip doesn't work as expected,
you can have a replacement connected.
the glue must be bio-
compatible. why? oh,
to make sure the thing's not rejected.
"
"those liquids which turn litmus red
mix with bases for salt stuffs instead.
there's nitric, phosphoric,
sulphuric and boric?
all acids, all hydrogen-led.
"
"poor shepherdess, sprawled on the fescue:
""i was trying a grand arabesque. you
get bored, don't you know,
so i stand on one toe,
for the sheep. now, please come to my rescue...""
"
"when the dentist's located the pain,
the root tip's excised, with procaine.
not my favourite way
of spending a day;
apicectomy: never again!
"
"here's something i don't often say:
we've been painting a ceiling today!
now i'm spattered and spotted
and dottie's all dotted
in white, but we've finished?hooray!
"
"the carbon dioxide produced
by our household?how much have we loosed?
just how big is our sootprint,
our own carbon footprint,
and how should we get it reduced?
"
"if i give you a dollop of clay,
you can model or mould it ? just play!
make a teapot or mug,
a tile or a jug,
then we'll bake it.  ceramics, hooray!
"
"my pooch, my poor suffering basset, ate
a roll of some film, clear like glass.  it ate
a skirt, a child's ball,
and a  picture frame, all
manufactured from cellulose acetate.
"
"of the animals here in the zoo,
i like bears, apes and elephants too.
the tigers are dear cats
and as for the meerkats,
they're cute, but my favourite is you!
"
"the radioactive decay
of an alpha source ? lethal, ok?
you'd better not try it
as part of your diet ?
don't go the polonium way!
"
"naughty child; mother gives him an earful!
he's sorry and sad, even tearful,
but before very long
he'll be singing a song,
once more happy, good-natured and cheerful.
"
"when composing a readable rhyme
on this site, poets cheat all the time.
and who is the first
on the list of the worst
of offenders? i'd have to say i'm!
"
"for dessert i want something that's gooey,
'cos this steak is quite tough, really chewy.
it's hurting my jaw
as i masticate more;
i wish i had ordered chop suey.
"
"in the north, where the countryside's hilly,
lives a naturist, william lillee.
he'll expose, when it snows,
from his nose to his toes?
silly billy!  no wonder he's chilly!
"
"heat water with fat (butter's best),
mix in flour, then egg; beat with zest.
make small blobs (use a spoon),
bake on 'hot'.  very soon
you'll have choux pastry fit for your guest.
"
"in the city, and feeling the pressure?
come north, where the atmosphere's fresher!
we have crumbly cheese
and a cat that will please
with its grin, in this county of cheshire.
"
"caustic soda, an aqueous base,
could do terrible things to your face,
but mix it with acid:
the outcome's more placid?
a sodium salt in its place.
"
"potters a, b and c can't agree.
says miss b: ""i'm a ceramist, me.""
""it's ceramist,"" says a,
""but then mr c's way
is ceramicist.""  now do you see?
"
"if your chewing gum's tasteless and stale,
spit it out, making one of those pale
gooey blobs on the floor?
but avoid singapore!
such behaviour may land you in jail.
"
"i am what i am to the core.
i'm the mother of girls i adore,
a musician, a wife
and a friend. that's my life.
i am what i am, and no more.
"
"at the end of the year i forswore
all the goodies i crave and adore.
no more ice cream or candy
or bourbon or brandy,
to these i must say ""nevermore"".
"
"big businesses now are reporting
that our jobs are the things they're exporting.
sending work overseas
brings us serfs to our knees,
while the rich privateers are cavorting.
"
"some people exhibit proclivity
for the arts; they exude expressivity.
that can come with a price,
since when someone's not nice
it can rouse an innate sensitivity.
"
"when it's very fast music you're playing,
it's your technical skills you're conveying.
an allegro assai
means your fingers must fly
or results will be very dismaying.
"
"an enigma's a puzzle to solve,
such as ""why does our planet revolve?""
and ""where do we come from?""
and ""why is life humdrum?"",
and the question ""how did life evolve?""
"
"an evader is hard to pin down.
he'll tell lies and crack jokes, play the clown.
he'll be rude and uncouth
while avoiding the truth,
and you're left unfulfilled, with a frown.
"
"i feel dimwitted most of the time,
'cause i can't get my limericks to rhyme.
i've got words by the liter,
i'm good with the meter,
but dumb when i reach the last l.....
"
"the chef here is extraordinaire:
what he's known for is cooking while bare.
stark naked he stands
as he tastes and commands;
he calls it cuisine laissez faire.
"
"when your innards are hurting and troubled,
and your pain is so bad that you're doubled,
electron microscopy
after endoscopy
might show you're malignantly nubbled.
"
"when you fly, no more freewheeling rover;
now we travel in herds, with a drover.
shoes and liquids? what's next?
if you think now you're vexed ?
""next in line, drop your pants and bend over.""
"
"hydrochloric's an acid that's strong.
the list of its uses is long.
add to base, check, and halt
when it's neutral. your salt?
call it chloride? you won't be far wrong.
"
"your windows need cleaning, i fear!
use a chammy?they'll shine bright and clear.
it's not made from chamois?
i don't give a damn, moi,
it works whether sheepskin or deer.
"
"like thousands, we went to ikea
to purchase a large chimenea,
but we now wonder why
we should heat up the sky
while we barbecue meat and drink beer.
"
"a magnificent route, the a5!
from london, through wales you can drive
to the holyhead ferry,
then dublin?how merry!
you truly will feel you're alive.
"
"what you hear when a pipe starts to blow,
or a string first responds to the bow,
is what's known as a chiff,
but i'm not certain if
that's legit ? i just go with the flow.
"
"we're off to majorca by air!
a charter flight's taking us there.
when we board, we're wedged in
like sardines in a tin,
but it's cheap, so we really don't care.
"
"it is changeable weather today,
so the meteorologists say.
though the sun's out again,
it may very well rain,
so it's not the best time to make hay.
"
"in a chemistry lab, bill and liz
mix reagents, and cause things to fizz.
for bill's love, liz may long,
but the chemistry's wrong?
their relationship just doesn't whizz.
"
"none too bright, i call lavatory lav,
wear white trainers and baseball cap: have
lots of flashy gold bling,
and that burberry thing?
now the snobby lot call me a chav.
"
"oedilfing?such fun to be had,
but it's crazy! it's daft! and a tad
beyond merely irrational,
although international?
we're barking, we're all of us mad!
"
"the timepiece to which others bow
is at teddington.  there it ticks now.
such an accurate clock
gets the rate of its tock
from some caesium?don't ask me how!
"
"if you're wanting to alter the world,
print a tee?get that banner unfurled!
i'd say, ""what a no-brainer?
become a campaigner!
climb trees!  let's see bricks being hurled!""
"
"the burghers of calais, poor guys,
are hungry, besieged?hear their cries!
""we need food! can we live?
oh, what wouldn't we give
for a burger, a coke and some fries!""
"
"""taking turns"": the alternative way
is ""al-ter-nately"";  that's in uk.
but across the great pond,
though our lingo's a bond,
it's the al-ternate meaning they say.
"
"in the land of my ancestors' birth,
where there's beauty and music and mirth,
there's a small sandy shore
that i'll always adore:
aberdaron ? the best place on earth.
"
"when his comfy old jeans start to go,
and he's working and bending down low,
see a cleavage appear.
hear ""tut-tut!"" and ""oh dear!""
builder's bum ? not the best thing to show.
"
"we're working here 24/7
with ten-minute breaks?not eleven!
if only i'd known
how they moan on the phone!
yes, this call centre's way short of heaven.
"
"in the place where i live, it is hilly
and, in winter, decidedly chilly
and damp.  even so,
i've managed to grow
that spectacular plant, calla lily.
"
"this spectacular pot will amaze!
let's just hope that the surface won't craze.
it has crystals in tangles
of sparkles and spangles?
i've made an aventurine glaze.
"
"in a chemical compound, you'll find
different elements, somehow combined.
covalent? ionic?
who cares! it's ironic
that i, once a chemist, don't mind.
"
"when i wake up at this time of year
it's the birds that i instantly hear.
so sweetly they chirrup?
more crystals than syrup,
the sound?a delight to the ear.
"
"an auk talked an oceanographer
into prancing before a photographer.
you can see at a glance
that their dance is pure chance?
do you know of a good choreographer?
"
"like a bird that's just singing for joy,
or a child with a favourite toy,
i am chirpy: up-beat
as i skip down the street?
such a blithe, irrepressible boy!
"
"to blow the bassoon is an art,
and the curtal's quite tricky to start.
so how do they differ?
the curtal reed's stiffer?
needs more of a burp than a fart.
"
"the world is unfair, and you care.
how to share this hot air, if you dare?
if a dead horse needs flogging,
it's time to get blogging!
just click, and the blogosphere's there.
"
"at a farm, in an ancient welsh house,
there's a taster-in-chief who's a mouse.
what he's testing's a dream
made from curds made from cream:
the eponymous caerphilly caws.
"
"how old is this? how long's it been
since the wood of this fossil was green?
carbon dating will show you
precisely ? you know, you
just assay the carbon 14.
"
"i feel peckish, so what do i care
about calories ? that's my affair!
a choux bun with cream
topped with choc ? what a dream!
could you pass me a chocolate eclair?
"
"here's the credit card slot. push it in.
no, the other way up! you can't win.
now the numbers? how rotten,
i think i've forgotten!
?the new way to shop, chip and pin.
"
"the soloist stands there before us.
the verses she sings often bore us?
the bit we like best
is the end, where the rest
of us lustily join in the chorus.
"
"uncle frank tests, with great specificity,
each mark of a stamp's authenticity.
he measures each spot?
every letter and blot.
(he's well-known for his mild eccentricity.)
"
"what a terrible start to the day!
dropped the breakfast i'd laid on a tray.
all the bacon and egg
slithered down my left leg?
now my temper's beginning to fray.
"
"little ali and ellie, the twins,
look the same; they're alike as two pins.
if i ask which is el,
will they tell? will they hell!
i just know that they're phelpses, not flynns.
"
"that was naughty, young fanny ann phelps,
attacking your granny with skelps!
her old eyes became wild
as she chided the child?
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps).
"
"on a stormy night, ffortescue phelps
is enjoying the weather ? what skelps!
see him paddle and splosh
till his boots are awash!
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"in the colonies, arrogant phelpses
fired much ammunition at elpses,
but as often as not
'twas a phelps wot got shot.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helpses.)
"
"the artist sir frederyck phelps
created a sculpture from skelps.
says it's better than walls
for airing his smalls.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"the accent of digorie phelps?
so far back! meaning scalps, he says 'skelps'.
his collection has rets'
hair, and hemsters' and bets'.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"see that wispy white cloud in the sky?
known as mare's tail; you'll clearly see why.
as if brushed by a feather,
it comes with fine weather?
that's cirrus, too high to blow by.
"
"take a look at my little red hen,
how she's fluffing her feathers again!
she just lifted one leg
to show me her egg?
she's delighted and proud, chuffed to ten!
"
"let's play board games ? such innocent fun!
i think cluedo's my favourite one.
we'll ask questions until a
good guess gives the killer?
mrs white, in the hall, with the gun.
"
"my sock's getting wet, my foot too.
i can guess what is wrong, and it's true;
i tell you no lies,
i correctly surmise
there's a whopping great hole in my shoe.
"
"please make me a sir, and the fee
for that contract you're granting to me
will be altered as well...
what's that unpleasant smell?
it's the whiff of corruption, maybe.
"
"how we feel and behave interlink,
with our mind working out how to think.
but when everything's got
in a mess, in a knot,
cbt can help straighten that kink.
"
"as the trial for her crime was to start,
the dowager robber of art
cried out loudly, ""m'lud!
you're a stick-in-the-mud,
and what's more, you're a boring old fart!""
"
"the dowager duchess of down
pulled a heist?she's the talk of the town!
works by breughel, vermeer
and fred phelps were all there
'neath this lady's commodious gown.
"
"granny phelps has a rickety back,
so she's finding it tricky to hack.
her false teeth are a bit
of a terrible fit?
you can hear them go clickety-clack.
"
"cobalt carbonate's pink. mix with glaze.
dip and fire your pot, then just gaze
and admire the true,
glossy, rich cobalt blue?
such alchemy's sure to amaze.
"
"a meeting was called for this ditty,
to agree what is meant by committee.
there were minutes, a chair
and a treasurer there.
no decision was reached, more's the pity!
"
"meet great-aunty philippa phelps,
an aficionado of kelps:
off she strides at low tide,
seeking seaweed, her pride.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"there was a young dancer from spain
who exclaimed, ""this flamenco's a pain!
there's a disc in my back
which is quite out of whack?
just co-codamol's keeping me sane.""
"
"though he's finally boss, gordon brown,
he already has reason to frown.
there are suddenly dangers
from terrorist strangers?
let's hope that he won't let us down.
"
"we can ride on the buses all day;
it's such fun, and there's nothing to pay!
what a wonderful perk
when you no longer work?
the concessionary bus pass. hooray!
"
"philomena, my cousin, miss phelps,
rides to hounds on an ass. how she yelps
when the dogs nip her toes,
which are garnished with bows.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"when we took little jim to the zoo,
this occurred, and quite suddenly, too.
""oh jimmy, watch out,
there's a lion about!""
it leapt like a bolt from the blue.
"
"let us drink to my clinker-built boat!
but you think it'll sink? then please note:
all the planks overlap
on its flanks, with no gap;
not a chink in the link ? it's afloat.
"
"the cinnabar moth's black-and-red
is a warning to birds: eat the head
or the body and wings
of these elegant things?
taste's so nasty, you'd wish you were dead.
"
"connoisseurship's to what i aspire;
i'm a wine expert, taster and buyer.
as i choose what i booze,
i can't lose ? what a ruse!
but my wine bill grows higher and higher?
"
"baron phelps has erected a tree,
now it's christmas, beside the tv.
there's a little winged rat
on the top ? fancy that!
and it sparkles with spoons (which are free).
"
"you've got what you need, but still push
for yet more, and your new plans go whoosh
in the air! you'll have heard
(it's oft said) that a bird
in the hand is worth two in the bush.
"
"when the moon wears an ice-crystal shroud,
you will miss, if you walk with head bowed,
the astonishing sight
of a halo of light.
and the cause? cirrostratus, the cloud.
"
"the french have just held an election.
those not born there have cause for reflection.
their future's less rosy
with nico sarkozy?
la france has a change of direction.
"
"the cittern's quite tricky to play,
'cos the tuning goes every which way
through its strings (two times four).
many people adore
its sweet twang ? why not try one today?
"
"a lollipop lady from leicester
delightedly visited chester?
walked the walls, saw the zoo
and mediaeval rows too,
and town crier, who loudly addressed 'er.
"
"i know a young man whose virility
comes over as charmless hostility.
what a yob, what a bloke!
it is time he awoke
to the need for some basic civility.
"
"a chemical element's name
denotes stuff with all atoms the same.
please hark to tom lehrer,
whose list makes it clearer
how many the scientists claim.
"
"on my daughter's third finger, there sits
a diamond as big as the ritz.
he's so handsome, her honey,
with oodles of money?
she's delighted; we're all chuffed to bits!
"
"i fancy some nice battered fish
from the chippy?in paper, no dish.
salt and vinegar? please,
and for him: a chinese
crispy duck, with those pancakes?delish!
"
"so what if a deadline has passed?
i don't care if i'm finishing last.
if there's work to be done
or a race to be won,
am i bovvered? i just can't be arsed.
"
"in a play in a play in a dream,
things are rarely just quite what they seem.
through a chink in a wall,
our two lovers tell all
in the midsummer twilight's last gleam.
"
"""not feeling too good? aren't you well, bo?
things seem difficult? yes, i can tell, bo.""
poor bo, he has never
been terribly clever?
he can't tell his arse from his elbow.
"
"should your question be why, where or who,
kevin's answer will always be true.
his reply will be said
with a shake of the head:
""i'm sorry i haven't a clue.""
"
"the attic at wit's end contains
an enormous collection of trains.
there's track in it too,
like the station at crewe,
so the phelpses can play when it rains.
"
"harsh old shylock wants blood to be shed,
but through portia's fair, lawyerly head,
precision of weight
swings antonio's fate.
'twas a conflict of interest, they said.
"
"vinnie flynn can be horribly vicious:
advantageously, wildly malicious.
this helps him to floor
forwards trying to score?
for kevin in goal, that's propitious.
"
"electricians don't always come free
when there's light bulbs to change on a tree.
the apprentice, tom phelps,
and the master he helps
(that's his dad) need assistance, you see.
"
"lady helen, intelligent ever,
come hell or high water, will never
be seen with no hat?
she is too smart for that!
(for a phelps, she's remarkably clever.)
"
"there's a brightly lit tree in the hall,
lots of cards, all displayed on the wall.
gifts are wrapped, shopping's done,
now it's time for the fun?
happy christmas, dear friends, one and all!
"
"lady helen's got hundreds of hats?
a complete aberration; she's bats!
and her favourite, by far
(which i find quite bizarre),
is adorned with three wrens and two rats.
"
"when you're making a mould for a bottle
with plaster, quite likely a lot'll
make rather a mess
of your table, unless
you contain it by building a cottle.
"
"""i've got a confession to make,""
said vanessa to kevin. ""i fake
what in truth should be strong,
and our love just feels wrong.""
poor dear kev ? now his future's at stake!
"
"""wellies on, little twins, here's a puddle!""
but the boots, like their owners, befuddle:
each girl wears, confusingly,
somewhat amusingly,
two lefts or two rights?what a muddle!
"
"why's your oboe so odd-looking, mel?
it sounds good, but it's lower, as well.
the double reed's right,
but i don't like the sight
of that whopping great egg in the bell.
"
"in the pub, when you have a few beers,
or at friends' with some wine, bend the ears
of your host with a toast.
now, the one we use most
is not prosit or sl?inte, but cheers!
"
"the phelpses' old family seat
was the castle at gatehouse of fleet.
now they live at wit's end,
which is just round the bend?
not so grand, but it's cheaper to heat.
"
"who's the outfitter clients adore,
forming habits for majors, and more?
the polite, never dilatory,
civil and military
tailor ? it's phelps of lahore!
"
"as a juror at county assizes,
you can't function in two different guises.
if you find your son's there
as accused, be aware
that a conflict of interest arises.
"
"""i've gone off him,"" vanessa confided.
""between you and me, i've decided
to give back the ring.""
poor kev! what a thing
to be loved, then be spurned and derided.
"
"calamitously, it began,
our first trip in the second-hand van.
creaky gears freaked us out
and, not hearing his shout,
we ran over an elderly man.
"
"paddy's sister, the fragrant fionnula
slices ice into cubes with a ruler.
not alone among phelps,
she believes neatness helps
to ensure that her gin will be cooler.
"
"there once was a merchant of flint
who flourished; he made quite a mint.
but his luck turned around
when his ship ran aground.
now he's stony-broke, destitute, skint.
"
"two substances get within range
and then mix; you observe something strange:
they change state, or heat's loosed;
something different's produced.
what you've seen is a chemical change.
"
"there was an old lady of leek
who indignantly cried, ""what a cheek!
those three men on my lawn
have cavorted since dawn;
now they're sunbathing nude as we speak!""
"
"a bird-loving chappie in cromer
bought a pigeon; they called it a homer.
but it wouldn't be caught
in that north norfolk port!
seems that homer must be a misnomer.
"
"an elderly fellow from hove
kept his unwanted clothes on the stove.
when they went up in flames,
and insurers met claims,
people said, ""what a crafty old cove!""
"
"there was a young man of torbay
who never could think what to say.
while he stammered and stuttered
and dithered and muttered,
his audience melted away.
"
"a frightening fellow from bangor
had trouble controlling his anger.
any upset or loss
made him terribly cross?
what he'd give to swap anger for languor...
"
"a chemistry student at bristol
grew a perfect, symmetrical crystal;
but his prism was struck
by a hammer ? tough luck!
so he shot himself dead with a pistol.
"
"an anxious young fellow from brighton
was terribly easy to frighten:
see a mouse, hear a bump,
little things made him jump,
and he'd feel all his neck muscles tighten.
"
"there was an old man of herne bay
who invited his nephew to stay.
he said, ""come for a week,""
but that geek ? what a cheek! ?
stayed for more than a year and a day.
"
"jean paul's counterpart over in dublin
makes a smelly cat stew ? hear it bubblin'?
it's seasoned with kelps
(he's called paddy o'phelps).
its aroma is certainly troublin'.
"
"the youngest of all, baby phelps,
emits ear-splitting sounds when he belps.
'twixt a belch and a burp,
that's his word ? little twerp!
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"said the blood cell, ""i've gone blue again,
and must find me a lane to the main
venous route to the heart
from the hip ? where to start?""
try the circumflex femoral vein.
"
"lady phelps, when she's tired, will sleep
in a bed that's as wide as it's deep.
she shares this half tester
(hand carved, made in chester)
with two kittens, three goats and a sheep.
"
"tribal motto, a lighthouse, some kelps,
and a flag (showing one of the elps)
held aloft by a rat,
with rat moussant 'neath that?
that's the old coat of arms of the phelps.
"
"can you hear that voice humming? it's mary's!
she's remembering auld tipperary's.
let her daydream alone
in a world of her own?
she's a phelps; she's away with the fairies.
"
"playing conkers now breaks a new rule,
but joe phelps takes his conker to school.
the fruit of horse chestnut,
our joe's is the best nut ?
it's a niner already ? that's cool.
"
"""to be dumped by that rat,"" cried the bride,
""is a thing i could never abide!
he will pay! i will sue
for divorce, naming you
corespondent ? his bit on the side.""
"
"the coward sent word to his bride
through the post that their marriage had died.
""you could have done better
than send me a letter,""
the distraught correspondent replied.
"
"brian phelps was the diver supreme;
his triple back flip was a dream.
then they'd test his ability
for aerial agility?
he's as mad as the rest, it would seem!
"
"to make sculptures of clay, there's a knack.
take your time; dry 'em slow on a rack.
i use premium crank;
it's the grog you must thank
for low shrinkage ? less likely to crack.
"
"this bovine's a noble perennial
that roams north america. many'll
achieve a great age,
and it's said the most sage
on the plains is the great bison-tennial.
"
"a large, lardy lady from dorset
tried to flatten her flab with a corset.
how she struggled, poor mabel,
to comply with the label:
""tighten up with the lace, but don't force it.""
"
"a carer from berwick-on-tweed
believes strongly there's no place for greed.
there's enough and to spare
if we share what is there.
we must dare to be fair ? that's my creed.""
"
"a very fat lady from pinner
declared she would like to be thinner;
but no banting took place,
for she just couldn't face
eating less than four courses for dinner.
"
"a lady of county fermanagh
ascended her stairs in a stannah.
as it rose, how it squeaked,
rattled, wobbled and creaked!
so she tightened it up with a spanna.
"
"a cocky young bucko from cork
called to curly colleen kate o'rourke:
""you're mine at the ceilidh!""
she answered him, gaily:
""not likely, you arrogant dork!""
"
"a penillion poet of clwyd
wrote verses both formless and fluid.
he wanted so hard
to become the next bard,
but he blew it, that hapless old druid.
"
"there was a young woman of fife
who balanced a bean on her knife.
perfect poise was its state?
then it fell to the plate,
just a has-been, departing this life.
"
"an american went to pwllheli
to try out their tea bread and jelly.
""wow, i love bara brith:
how it sticks to the teeth,
and the fullness i feel in my belly!""
"
"for a football fanatic of fife,
when they win, it brings joy to his life.
but his mood took a dive
at: ""fife 4, forfar 5""?
thus the converse applies: loss means strife.
"
"that's uranium, piled on the floor?
not quite critical mass. add some more,
and a growing, sustained
chain reaction's obtained?
then it's time we should head for the door...
"
"there was a young baker named jake
who made the most fabulous cake
like a fiery cat
with a lamb?fancy that!
'twas inspired by william blake.
"
"my glaze has set hard in the bucket.
if i stir long and fast, with some luck it
might loosen by ten tonight.
should've used bentonite!
alas, it's too stiff?i'll just chuck it.
"
"if your nose is a freak anatomical
and its size has become astronomical,
i dare say, for your money
that's not very funny,
but for me it's exceedingly comical.
"
"an extravagant curler from stirling
found stone less successful for hurling
than silver ? how nice,
ag sliding on ice!
but a lot of ? sterling for curling...
"
"an energy-saver from staines
found a way to make powerful gains.
she cut her consumption
by using her gumption?
switched everything off at the mains.
"
"the son of a stockman from stoke
bought a horrible hog (for a joke),
which he dressed in a bonnet
with ribbons upon it?
that's perfect! a pig in a poke.
"
"i know a young girl from skegness
who hasn't a clue how to dress.
she wears terrible frocks,
and stilettos with socks?
she just doesn't do chic?what a mess!
"
"i know an old woman in york
who's especially partial to pork,
with its crisply cooked crackling;
but just see her tackling
that crust with a small plastic fork!
"
"this rotten computer! oh dear,
what's its problem? it's sulking, i fear.
no oedilf is my fate?
hey, it's on the wrong date!
the sodding thing thinks it's next year.
"
"my ceramicist friend's really potty,
the clothes that she wears often spotty
with clay. ever scatty,
decidedly batty,
eccentric, distracted, she's dotty.
"
"says a cautious young fellow from douglas,
""my home must be dustless and bugless.
my wife, dearest lalage,
suffers from allergy.
floors must be clean, which means rugless.""
"
"there was a young man who said, ""drat!""
(and some worse imprecations than that).
""i feel claws in my hair?
what's that scuttling up there?
i think there's a rat in my hat.""
"
"what means 'viscera', ending in -uts?
oh, i've got it! that's got to be guts.
6 across and 5 down
are both making me frown?
this crossword is driving me nuts!
"
"dementia: the stuff that i knew
seems elusive. between me and you,
i fear losing my brain.
again and again
it's ""i'm sorry, i haven't a clue.""
"
"mrs phelps, an old woman of peel,
put to sea in a little round creel.
she let out a shriek
when she spotted the leak,
then she calmly swam home ? no big deal.
"
"our dot's a sartorial mess.
she hasn't a clue how to dress.
she wears socks with smart shoes
and puts purples with blues?
does it matter? she couldn't care less!
"
"what a state of depression! we growl, and
we whinge and we wail and we howl, and
we're lachrymose too;
so let's listen anew
to that master of mournful: john dowland.
"
"portland bill's on the end of an isthmus,
which rhymes, when he says it, with bismuth
because bill's got a lisp?
couldn't make esses crisp
should he practise from now until christhmus.
"
"second city with host severn darden
will perform at our smoky beer garden.
we'll suck beer and shots,
yell suggestions, eat brats,
and then laugh as our arteries harden.
"
"growing up down in south illinois, i
watched cows consume acorns.  with joy, i
then learned that the sweet
tender nut meat they eat
comes from cow oak, or quercus michauxii.
"
"at a dover coast pub made of clunch,
the hurricane's waves packed their punch.
as the walls' chalky clay,
now dissolved, washed away,
all the diners, en masse, lost their lunch.
"
"when help with long irons you seek,
the solution is simple; don't freak.
get a grip, use your head,
rip some hybrids instead.
even god cannot hit a good cleek.
"
"a relationship counselor, ringling,
held that song increased sexual tingling.
he got through to the two
to pitch woo to ledoux;
now there's new, improved carnal commingling.
"
"by bass players, bass clef is read?
rarely, tenor or treble instead.
when you sight-read, you know
that you might need to go
a bit slower, with these up ahead.
"
"to play conquian, one of the greats,
use a deck with no 10s, 9s, or 8s.
you must meld cards to win
like the rummy game, gin,
and most card-matching games it pre-dates.
"
"did bonds hit so many, so often,
to persuade baseball's tolerance to soften?
or did each homer dropped
mean a steroid pill popped,
and a nail in morality's coffin?
"
"she can ranch, wrangle, shoot, rope, 'n' ride?
self-sufficient, she's tough, true 'n' tried.
with physique sleek and tan,
she can spoon with her man;
she's a cowgirl, but woman inside.
"
"clock golf is all about route.
a putt from the two leaves no doubt.
if it heads for the eight
and goes in, you've hit straight;
if it heads for the five, you've lipped out.
"
"there's a con-man called slippery sid.
would i fall for his patter? i did!
""heard my pitch to get rich?
not a hitch, not a glitch?""
now he's diddled me out of a quid.
"
"my mind is a mess, i confess.
can i keep to the point, more or less?
not at all! i keep straying...
now, what was i saying?
i'm losing the plot; i digress.
"
"a hundred steel men on the beach,
gazing seaward beyond their eyes' reach;
in the tide's ebb and flow
and the setting sun's glow?
this sculpture by gormley's a peach!
"
"if you want to add something to go
with your sentence, but not spoil the flow,
make parentheses work;
go the whole hog, don't shirk
with just commas; use brackets (just so)!
"
"a greedy fat man from granada
just squeezed himself into the larder.
now he's been on the binge
he has no cause to whinge
if he finds getting out somewhat harder.
"
"""i'm the czar, and i've just shot a stag!
i've got rubies and gold in this bag!""
don't believe this mendacity.
he's short on veracity.
he's given to blague?likes to brag.
"
"poor dolores from county kildare
feels a sadness she scarcely can bear.
there's no joy in her life?
only sorrow and strife!
now she's plumbing the depths of despair.
"
"do your acres of land get you down,
now you've moved to the country from town?
you need landscape design;
dig a lake, plant a pine
or just call capability brown.
"
"""she's so graceful and pretty; she's comely?
she's the love of my life,"" he said, glumly.
""but what chance have i got
with that uppity lot?
her father's the marquis of cholmondely!""
"
"sweeney phelps, dentist extraordinaire?
let him care for your teeth if you dare!
with his drill and his pick,
they'll be kept span and spick,
but extraction's his game, so beware!
"
"opera tenors connote men of note;
to a lifetime of song they devote.
when they belt a high c
back to row double z,
it's a note that connotes a pro throat.
"
"if the cinc had a reason to snub ya
and dispatched u.s. forces to club ya,
they'd obey all he says,
'cause the 43rd prez
is the highest ranked leader, george ""dubya"".
"
"from his raft, aboriginal louie
tossed a float when my raft went kablooey.
his vocal display
i have called, to this day,
the ocoee (a buoy to) cooey.
"
"i received a free ticket (or ""comp"")
to a riotous show they call stomp?
they would clomp and then tromp
and hit things that went whomp!
till with noise i was swamped?what a romp!
"
"when anemone's enemies lack
a sufficient defence and attack,
they'll be poisoned, knocked out
and end up, there's no doubt,
being packed in its mouth/anus sack.
"
"cornichon's french for a gherkin:
that's a cucumber (young) that's been workin'
in brine; better still,
in herb vinegar?dill,
as it's corned in a can, jar, or furkin.
"
"if you're strong, stout, and physically gifted
and at ease as huge masses are shifted,
shun the snatch with its quirks?
the event clean and jerk's
where the heaviest weights will get lifted.
"
"we ate chocolate fondue on a futon
using skewers we often put fruit on.
but the toast cubes were best?
every crouton well dressed
with a semi-sweet tasty dark suit on.
"
"calamagrostis, a grass with no peer,
has a vertical habit held dear.
it's no wonder the famed
ppa went and named
'karl foerster' the plant of the year.
"
"no ketchup for me, are you silly?
hold the mustard and green piccalilli;
keep the kraut, slaw, and lettuce
and stuff, and just get us
a couple of hot dogs with chili.
"
"how does opec, a rude and shrewd brood,
price its crude?  well, it's viewed they collude;
those who rule join a pool
to sell fuel, and it's cruel.
to conclude, it's construed we're all screwed.
"
"in craps, when a come bet is made,
it's a new pass line wager, delayed.
if your point comes about
before sevening out,
then you've won; you're both lucky and paid.
"
"a cold front drives cool, drier air
beneath moist, warmer air that was there;
storms that form are the norm
as they swarm and transform,
bringing rain, hail, and snow, so beware.
"
"my benevolent, miserly mammy, she'd
offer one dime, and son sammy, he'd
race 'round the grounds
grabbing glutinous mounds
of her favorite annual, clammyweed.
"
"the corsac, with small teeth and tracks,
shares its burrows and hunts prey in packs.
and it shouldn't amaze ya?
this native of asia
eats most of the prey it attacks.
"
"with my water main clogged up and humming,
i coaxed blue man group into coming.
they beat on the tops
of my pipes with their mops
till their drumming had fixed my poor plumbing.
"
"when our priest, a fine singer's descanting,
his 4ths, 5ths, and 6ths leave me panting.
i hold dear and revere
every clear, defined tier.
use your ear, can't you hear, he's in chanting!
"
"aucuba japonica's jade,
long, and leathery leaves seldom fade.
'variegata' is fine
with its gold flecks that shine
from zone 7 to 10 in full shade.
"
"in a full deck of cards there's a place
for twelve court cards (the ones with a face).
in blackjack, you'll win,
so just sit, stand, and grin
if you're dealt one of these with an ace.
"
"of all the good luck charms you'll find,
there is one that at once comes to mind.
both revered and renowned,
it's the plant known world 'round
as the clover, the small, four-leafed kind.
"
"young lester, forever the jester,
is teasing his sister, wee hester.
that bullying boy
takes her favourite toy
from her hands ? yes, he's now dispossessed her.
"
"who's that saint who loved animals? easy!
st francis. his home was a breezy
festoon of a city
in italy. pretty,
artistic and ancient: assisi.
"
"long division: the hours i spent
as a child, finding numbers that went
into bigger ones! why
did i bother to try?
even now i'm not sure what it meant.
"
"said a churlish curmudgeon from tring,
when asked for a small piece of string:
""what, you want that for free?
but that just isn't me!
beneficence isn't my thing.""
"
"confining her rage to a simmer,
she surveyed bertram's work with the strimmer.
not a flower was left.
""bert, of brains you're bereft!""
cried his mum, ""not just daft, even dimmer!""
"
"""you're wrong!"" declared nell, disputatiously
and, given her standing, audaciously.
when addressing a judge,
he's more likely to budge
if appealed to with tact, efficaciously.
"
"though the sight of these chords makes me queasy,
the composer has marked them ""divisi"".
there's no double-stopping,
no note-to-note hopping?
we'll play one line each, easy-peasy!
"
"the phelpses said, ""let's make a raft!
we'll use seaweed and string for our craft.""
they were soon in the drink;
they'd omitted to think.
their design, like those brothers, was daft.
"
"if your monarch and bishops have kissed
and you fear that your creed's on their list
of what's deemed to be wrong,
then i'll bet you're a strong
disestablishmentarianist.
"
"ellie phelps isn't clever at sums.
when told to divide, she just hums.
then she wallops her slate
into 2, 4, then 8?
in her own way, enlightenment comes.
"
"lou pruitt said, ""screw it, i blew it,""
when his rare insured vial, a cruet,
was stolen one day.
would the policy pay?
he forgot he forgot to renew it!
"
"""here's a quarter, call someone who cares,""
as the travis tritt song so declares.
call collect, seize the day,
let the one you call pay;
mock the two-bit advisor who shares.
"
"what a tribute, a statue, thumbs raised,
in milwaukee; i'm hardly amazed
that the figure of fonz,
cast in smooth polished bronze,
sends the fans on their way, happy-dazed!
"
"having teachers so pious and nunnish meant
hell to us boys with a funnish bent;
ruler-raised blisters
from catholic-raised sisters
were cruel and unusual punishment.
"
"the crapshooter cried, ""i can't lose,
come on, babe needs a new pair of shoes!""
but his luck and shrill talkin'
left baby still walkin'
around with bare feet and the blues.
"
"the term commerce means business or trade;
an intelligent discourse that's made;
a communion of two
or more sharing a view;
also intercourse, like getting laid.
"
"""i can't be rushed packing,"" she said.
""let's postpone this excursion instead.""
he said, ""ram it and jam it;
let's cram it then slam it,
elope, damn it, then find a bed.""
"
"his correspondence course test came one day?
topic: plant wilt and rapid decay.
dwight was bright to cite blight,
put it right on a flight;
the next night, the school site mailed his ""a"".
"
"unbeknownst to the former town friar,
his love was a former town crier;
but everyone learned
how their shared desire burned
when she screamed ""hear ye! set me on fire!""
"
"with a haircut and make-up, he wore
priestly vestments, fine jewelry, and more.
so now clipped and equipped,
he was slipped in the crypt?
the stone chamber below the church floor.
"
"said the newt to the frog, ""i'm bereft
now the last of my children has left.
he may not be pretty
or clever or witty,
but i love him?my dear little eft!""
"
"they play bowls in the forest?saves fees
on the green. now they search on their knees
for a ball, lost from sight.
some might say, ""serves them right!""
they can't see the wood for the trees.
"
"a sensitive singer is dottie;
her ear is attuned to vallotti.
when she sings with the harp,
all her f's will sound sharp.
said the harpist, ""poor dottie, she's potty!""
"
"this caf?'s delightfully quaint,
but the coffee we've bought here just ain't.
it's nasty and bitty,
disgustingly gritty?
i'd say we've got grounds for complaint.
"
"old world monkey, one gifted baboon
renders sweet serenades on bassoon.
her favourite's by brahms.
she finds that it calms
her to play by the light of the moon.
"
"that rodent, the chubby agouti,
thinks painting her face is a duty.
she's sure she is lusher
with lippy and blusher?
she obsesses somewhat about beauty.
"
"daft danny o'phee of tralee
would hang by his knee from a tree.
the reason for that
was to act like a bat?
he was batty as batty could be!
"
"there was an old man with a beard?
shaved it off! said, ""it's just as i feared:
i'm no longer a haven
for birds, now i'm shaven.
they've scarpered; they've all disappeared.""
"
"i'm dotty and daft; i'm a div.
i'm deluded?my head's like a sieve.
not for me your banality!
should i check on reality?
cloud cuckoo land?that's where i live.
"
"dear sir, those old seashells she sells
are emitting rank, nauseous smells.
these offend quite a bit.
you must get her to quit.
(signed) disgusted of tunbridge wells.
"
"you're a pain in the ass, you ol' grouch,
so i need a soft bag, pouch, or couch.
once i'm pushin' my tush in
an overstuffed cushion,
the padding might quiet the ouch.
"
"son, this dairy farm job is a breeze.
i will show you the whey.  to make cheese
and churn butter like silk
first an udder you milk?
take a seat, grab a teat, and then squeeze.
"
"when god produced all, his creation,
what spontaneous improvisation!
each effect since first dawn
has been special, hand-drawn,
using life-size, 3-d animation.
"
"a clownfish is one funny breed
when a female dies, leaving a need.
now, this next part's complex,
but a male changes sex,
then the he, now a she, does the deed!
"
"a. contortrix makes venom; this snake
has some more tricks, like stealth and tail shake.
camouflaged, he'll sit tight
till provoked and then bite,
so you'd best get him first with a rake.
"
"with a tremulous voice, soft and mumbley,
and demeanor demure, often humble, he
declared, ""shall we wed?""
she said, ""let's not instead.""
then he just went to pieces, all crumbly.
"
"in comic strips, stories are drawn
about made-up and real goings-on.
this sequential art style
has been 'round a great while,
in some form, since the time of man's dawn.
"
"from a handlebar, bar ends extend.
for the cyclist, more grips do they lend.
novice riders beware:
stay alert if you dare
to brave tight, tree-lined courses that bend.
"
"anchor ted reviews movies for kicks,
but just light, comic pics are his picks.
what might get him to stop'll
be me to drop koppel
a couple a coppola flicks.
"
"an inordinate rapt fascination
with the jesus-on-cross presentation:
to my view, i construe
such review as undue
and a true case of crucifix-ation.
"
"well gus, an old cuss, often cussed
like a pirate who's filled with disgust.
but he only would curse
using limerick verse,
leaving onlookers standing, nonplussed.
"
"with a flourish of female flirtatiousness
and her copious, contoured curvaceousness,
she would temptingly tease
and bring kings to their knees
with her splendorous, silky salaciousness.
"
"gorgonzola and roquefort are two,
and some stilton or maytag might do,
but for my taste buds, please
make my blue-veined white cheese
the light danish delight, danablu.
"
"got a show business dream? then determine
if your chest voice is strong; i'm affirmin'
if you belt high and long
and can sell a show song,
you belong right along ethel merman.
"
"the ""westport plank chair"" sketch by lee
was passed to friend bunnell for free.
the chair sales would funnel
a bundle to bunnell
with patent secured, yessiree!
"
"building curb cuts and ramps helps to ease
the use of a wheelchair, and please
those who ride about town,
going up, round, and down,
making each change of level a breeze.
"
"a crumple zone makes less severe
many things in a car wreck you fear:
engine parts out of place,
the front grill in your face,
and the license plate stuck in your rear.
"
"daily doubles well suit a good gauger
of horse or dog races, who'll wager
on back-to-back winners.
why, even beginners
with luck get a payoff that's major.
"
"""curiosity what?""  ""killed the cat.
what you learn from this saying is that
a too-curious you,
with bad luck overdue,
might end up like that cat?lying flat.""
"
"a vile anti-indian deacon
armed and set a cruise missile (heat seekin')
to fly low and with ease
towards the land known for cheese.
his intent: kill the last live mahican.
"
"a poultry taste test was our quest:
we ingested wings, legs, thighs, and breast.
post digestion and rest
we attest?yes, you guessed?
that the dark meat's high fat content's best.
"
"the danish west indies were sought
by the u.s. for years; it was thought
they had perfect locale,
being near the canal,
so for 25 mil. they were bought.
"
"a crowfoot grass plant tends to stray,
and with mat-forming stems makes its way;
it succeeds and self-seeds
and exceeds most weed breeds
in its number of seeds: 60k!
"
"we have limits on what we can bill
to our client for grading that hill
for his roadway to town.
to keep labor cost down,
we'll employ the technique cut and fill.
"
"cooked my lass some bananas, like foster,
but some slid from the skillet and sauced her.
the flames got put out,
but i think there's no doubt
that i 'bout culinarily lost her!
"
"margret and spouse, h.a. rey,
gave us curious george; the books say
he's a monkey, but ape
best expresses his shape?
still, ""the man"" is his friend, either way.
"
"because daydreams can offer distraction
for all of a day or a fraction,
you find them a perk
when they happen at work,
but their downside is total inaction.
"
"would a wash of wasabi in jest,
an etching of fresh lemon zest,
some drawn ghee, rendered lard,
or a charcoal of chard
count as culinary art at its best?
"
"your daughter-in-law is the one
who consented and married your son.
while some in-laws might fight,
that is hardly quite right
so share joy, show her love, and have fun.
"
"in a pool game there's one ball that's white;
when that cue ball's struck well, you just might
make your shot and then find
you've been left well aligned
for your next, if your english was right.
"
"if a crow's nest you plan to equip
for success, you must not skip this tip:
use a telescope view
or binoculars too
to see far, from the land or a ship.
"
"coreopsis was named from the greek
koris (bedbug), because its unique
tiny, two-horned achenes
look like bugs?by all means,
if you can't take my word, take a peek.
"
"a cue stick's a long tapered rod,
and in billiards and pool it's not odd
that it's chalked at the tip
to ensure it won't slip
on the cue ball it's waiting to prod.
"
"count the stoves, pans, and sinks in this kitchen.
all these knives have my right hand a-twitchin'.
fridges, pantries?all filled,
and with teachers so skilled,
yes, this culinary school will be bitchin'!
"
"with some crystallized krypton (a wealth)
paired with callous and malice-filled stealth,
all the bad guys will cheer
when your plan becomes clear:
to annihilate superman's health.
"
"place cooked crab on some greens on a dish,
add tomatoes, boiled egg if you wish;
top with mayo-based dressing.
you'll soon be confessing
your love for crab louis?delish!
"
"bill the foreman barked, ""quick, here's the drill:
take a test from that lava slag spill.
there is no time to buy;
we might have but one try
'cause this core bit's 'bout over the hill.""
"
"when francis directed part ii
of the godfather series, who knew
there'd be none judged its equal?
best picture, a sequel?!
the first film to score such a coup.
"
"""why the gewgaws?"" i once asked myself,
""trinkets, toys, trifles, baubles, an elf?
all the knickknacks held dear,
plus the bric-a-brac here?
it's my curious curio shelf.""
"
"the finals were far from a downer,
when the pratfall fest winner, some clowner,
first skipped, zipped, and dipped
and then, tipped, slipped, and tripped,
finally kipped, and half-flipped to a crowner.
"
"to eat healthy, it's hard to beat green
salad mixed in your eating routine.
and the beet green is seen
as some mean lean cuisine
packed with a, c, and minerals ? keen!
"
"you've played 17 holes on the links
and consumed the same number of drinks.
on the road/the last tee,
you'll need someone to be
your designated driver, methinks.
"
"if a beggar, with keen aspiration,
were to ask for a rich, warm location,
you'd hear me suggestin'
""head south and work destin ?
a panhandler's dream destination!""
"
"the batter, unnamed, was a dodger.
the pitcher, ""the rocket,"" was roger.
when one slider went wild,
the crowd became riled:
""retire for real, you old codger!""
"
"at both meter and rhyme he was deft,
but one writing component was left.
'cause his content was daft,
peers (severe) jeered and laughed,
leading limerick larry to theft.
"
"when a demo, or song demonstration,
with its simple yet clear presentation,
gets picked up, cut, and mixed,
it's then mastered and fixed
in a format for mass duplication.
"
"we had pushed for a hillside nativity.
approval?  the priest wouldn't give it. he
would cite the site's slope
(1 to 1), and say ""nope"",
due to devilish, drastic declivity.
"
"devein means removing the black
matter under the shell at the back
of a shrimp that's digestive.
it's not at all festive
when serving hors d'oeuvres for a snack.
"
"a man from near lago maggiore
made salad like none seen before.  a
cardini by name
achieved worldly acclaim
for his caesar, the taste we adore, eh?
"
"add some liquid to fond: that's deglazing.
scrape and stir to make sauce;  it's amazing!
intense flavor's produced
when you heat till reduced.
it's a cooking technique that's worth praising.
"
"a divider delineates space,
like a screen or partition in place.
they'll work fine in your binders
as section reminders,
so keep some on hand, just in case.
"
"divertimento ? a brief definition:
in form, a light, fun composition
of many short movements.
there've been few improvements
to this fine chamber music tradition.
"
"if a v's resolution's not bound
for its i, the results may confound.
as the tonic's delayed,
you will hear as it's played
how deceptive a cadence can sound.
"
"a brine gauge can help me to measure
the intense, salty liquids i treasure.
if the reading's below
where i'd like it to show,
i'll add salt to improve palate pleasure.
"
"divination is insight that's strange,
odd perception of forces and change.
some use omens, a spell,
magic powers to tell
us the future (well, up to their range).
"
"learning tooth care and fate, i've apprenticed
abreast bess, the best destinist dentist.
she tells patients (while numbing)
the second time's coming.
she's also, you see, an adventist.
"
"if bats from aluminum ore
were allowed in the bigs, more would score.
with a bat cast in dawsonite,
players like dawson might
still hit home runs like before.
"
"with summer squash, please keep in mind,
if a curved, tapered neck's what you find
when you look ? heck, the squash
is a crookneck, by gosh,
colored yellow in flesh and in rind.
"
"countless shapes, all from paper, he'd cut.
then he'd paste them all over his butt.
after that, he'd go crackers
with varnish and lacquers:
a certified decoupage nut.
"
"we agreed to chip in to a pot.
""first to eagle will win the whole lot.""
well, a boon came to me:
a par five holed in three
with a chip in ? a valuable shot.
"
"she disrobed, took off all of her clothes.
then she faced me and said, ""i propose
we make love, now, tonight.""
""dear, the timing's not right,""
but just then, well, the moment arose.
"
"my power tool smoothes what is rough.
it's a disk sander, sturdy and tough.
it beats working by hand.
the disk rotates to sand,
grind, abrade, polish, burnish, or buff.
"
"you refuse to accept something true,
and reality won't fit your view.
abstract concepts you shun;
have you faith? you have none.
it is clear, disbelief works for you.
"
"one's beliefs are both firm and held strong.
though there's often no clear right or wrong,
our free speech is the key,
and when we disagree
it's ok, if we still get along.
"
"move a bone from the joint where it fits
with some force, and you'll find it transmits
a strong message of pain
at full speed to your brain.
yep, to dislocate bones is the pits.
"
"what does ding-dong convey in my tongue?
it's the sound of two bells being rung;
describes back-and-forth fights;
a small cake that delights;
and a person whose string's come unstrung.
"
"disposable things are all meant
(by design) for short use, and, once spent,
to be thrown in the trash;
or it's left-over cash,
when you've paid all the bills and your rent.
"
"with appearance and conduct correct,
all his knowledge and skills sure project.
his distinction has grown
by achievements well-known.
he's distinguished, so show some respect!
"
"grab the dice cup (it's open on top).
hold your dice just above it, then drop.
shake them well to play fair,
let 'em roll with a flair,
and we'll add up the pips when they stop.
"
"little ditto marks: simple and neat.
??&nbsp""??????&nbsp""????????&nbsp""?????: aren't they a treat?
place them right below text,
???&nbsp""?? ????&nbsp""???? there to show next
where each word, up above, should repeat.
"
"the black pine has a family tree.
how the subspecies split is the key;
salzmannii's  brother
is nigra, the other,
and each is divided in three.
"
"a batting coach fine-tunes your swing
while he teaches the throws pitchers sling,
how to taunt, flaunt, and fuss,
throw a fit, spit, and cuss
plus to subtly (or not) grab your thing.
"
"our bowling league started, i think,
so some bowlers can meet, bowl, and drink.
if the beer takes its toll
on your rolling control,
just make fun your sole goal when scores stink.
"
"my friend whispered to me with hands cupped,
""he's a cheat, this damn card game's corrupt.
he shows three aces and
you've got two in your hand.
it's no wonder the ante was upped.""
"
"dark chocolate's a mixture of fat,
powdered cocoa, and sugar?that's that.
with no milk, it's called ""plain"",
with a taste some disdain,
for they find it both bitter and flat.
"
"cups and balls: classic close-up routine.
it is hard to believe what is seen.
with some deft misdirection,
skilled sleights (a collection),
the faux penetrations are keen!
"
"the king spoke: ""take this vampire and beat
him till senseless, near death, and then seat
the damned, sick, sucking fool
on this thick cucking stool
and then pelt him with well-rotted meat.""
"
"my intent was to rent a congratulator,
but they sent me a gent who's a flatulator.
no praises were sung
and the haze from his bung
made the honored guest leave, saying, ""catch you later.""
"
"from a spud, cut a thin wavy slice.
fry (one minute in oil should suffice).
once it's salted, dry, cool,
i'm quite confident you'll
have a crinkle-cut chip that's quite nice.
"
"there are names for that slit in the back
when you bend and your buttocks unpack;
builder's bum is a treat
and while coin slot is neat,
it's just plain hard to beat plumber's crack.
"
"a drainage ditch carries away
excess water or sewage you may
have a need to remove;
that's assuming the groove
is inclined, or else liquids will stay.
"
"by land, sea, and air the drug trade
smuggles black-market drugs with the aid
of the drug runner hoping
to stimulate doping?
evading the law to get paid.
"
"in a drinking game, liquor's consumed?
one's sobriety's more or less doomed.
people play to have fun.
if they're drunk when it's done,
they can sleep until play is resumed.
"
"using drip irrigation, one knows
water flows through a tube, pipe, or hose;
rate's controlled as the drops
trickle down and your crops
reap the benefits moisture bestows.
"
"it's a slow, lazy pattern of speech
with the vowels drawn out ? fun to teach!
i'm describing the drawl.
try it out: ""hi, y'all.""
see, it's well within everyone's reach.
"
"in a dressing room, folks put on clothes;
or, perhaps, take them off.  but who knows?
when the door is shut tight
there's a chance that we might
never see for ourselves, i suppose.
"
"of the stooges, there's one who is very
infectious to watch making merry;
it's curly who's burly,
quite squirrelly, and surely
more fun than joe, shemp, moe, or larry.
"
"you should always keep dill seed in store.
it's like dill weed, yet offers you more.
its mild caraway taste
is delightful when placed
in the mouth and quite hard to ignore.
"
"when their aim's to amuse, trick, and fool,
some magicians employ a sly tool.
a small ball stays concealed
till dislodged and revealed.
yes, the devious chop cup is cool.
"
"cook with leaves from a dill plant today.
use them fresh, use them dried, either way.
as an herb it's called dill weed,
so season at will.  feed
on foods that fulfill.  don't delay!
"
"to get okie-style hitched with a bang,
hire a crooner, a sooner who'll sang
love songs soft with drawl/twang.
call the gang and y'all brang
rice and beer to throw down.  hot gol dang!
"
"as podocarpaceae go,
the chilean rimu grows low.
it's quite hardy and spreading;
you'll find it when heading
for chilly, south mountains in snow.
"
"in a darts game, the darts are thrown toward
a fixed dartboard, retrieved?points are scored.
does a pub player's shot
require luck? yes, a lot,
if they're fortified drinks that he's poured.
"
"in most orchestras one has been in,
i would wager that each violin
and viola's equipped
with a chinrest that's slipped
'neath each chin when their players begin.
"
"some police enforce parking with zeal
by a clamped denver boot on a wheel.
want your car back in gear?
i'll list three options here:
cut it off, pay a fee, or appeal.
"
"a dance lesson teaches you moves
so you'll flow with most rhythms and grooves.
with each step, turn, spin, dip,
slide, bend, bounce, leap, and flip,
you will find that your dancing improves.
"
"a breast pocket on clothes is the best
place to put things concealed and at rest.
any shirt, coat, or blouse
can conceivably house
something covert (kept close to your chest).
"
"in my life, i've endeavored to delve
into stories of christ and his twelve.
i have found christianity
strengthens my sanity;
other religions i'll shelve.
"
"d?j? vu: has it happened to you?
some event from your past seems anew,
then it plays out once more
like you've been there before.
d?j? vu: has it happened to you?
"
"it's quite clear, so there's no use denying
that you gamble with living and dying
when you boldly repeat
every stunt, trick, or feat
that i'd duly dub darn death-defying.
"
"in a drinking glass liquids reside
till they're brought to the mouth ? dumped inside.
such a simple design;
i would say, bottom line:
it's a time-honored tool, true and tried.
"
"the draw shot in billiards or pool:
an essential strategical tool.
when the cue ball is hit
below center then it
travels back from the object ball ? cool!
"
"a love scene that's drippy is cloying;
in slang, it means tiresome/annoying;
and you also could say
it describes a wet day
full of raindrops the clouds are deploying.
"
"in the '50s, the doo-wop style singing
had the rhythm and blues music swinging.
its infectious, smooth sound
caused the hits to abound
and kept record store registers ringing.
"
"if you're skilled with a drawknife, it should
remove slivers and shavings from wood.
with two handles and blade,
all my work is hand-made,
and my carpentry turns out real good.
"
"it's a short shot hit soft off the wall,
or just over the net.  it should fall
like a stone as it dies ?
catch your foes by surprise!
it's a racket game weapon for all.
"
"we had prinked, preened, and primped, but then ? no!
the promoter just cancelled the show.
cloaked in tie, tails, and fur,
to the nines! ? there we were:
all dressed up and with no place to go.
"
"one healing technique that's a plus
is a drainage tube drawing off pus
from a wound that is oozing,
an abscess that's losing
its liquid ? there's less fuss and muss.
"
"a drainage well often is bored
to reach deep in the earth; the reward:
having storm water flow
through the soil far below
to the aquifer where it is stored.
"
"move your cursor until it's on top
of an item or text, and then stop.
with your mouse you now click,
move, let go, that's the trick?
a technique that they call drag and drop.
"
"you disrupt when you halt the procession
of orderly steps, or progression
of process or action?
it causes distraction.
at least, that's my general impression.
"
"at a dime store, the prices are low
for the numerous items they show.
some folks say ten-cent store,
five-and-dime, oh, one more:
five-and-ten?it depends where you go.
"
"when the pressure's just too hard to hide,
seems your body parts swell from inside
as they bend and distend.
as your friend, i'd contend
that you shouldn't have swallowed your pride!
"
"take a cucumber just off the vine,
cure in vinegar mixture or brine
with a certain fresh herb.
what you'll have is ? superb! ?
a dill pickle whose flavor's so fine.
"
"in an opera, the diva's voice rings.
it's stupendous what star-power brings.
solid sound, skill, command,
and her girth, god, is grand ?
it's not over, it's said, till she sings.
"
"an account meant to misrepresent;
something forced, stretched, misshapen, or bent,
twisted out of proportion;
unclear: that's distortion,
by negligence, chance, or  intent.
"
"every baseball fan cheered in the pub
for ""the hawk,"" former expo and cub,
on the day his at-bats
yielded requisite stats
for the 400-300 club!
"
"far removed both in time and in space,
in connection, and one's mental place;
likeness slight, hard to see;
and aloof.  we agree
that that's distant, so need we retrace?
"
"i think dracula's power was real:
no delusion of grandeur, i feel.
he had no transylvania
megalomania,
simply a thirst for each meal.
"
"in a civil or criminal court,
an offense against law and a tort
are both wrongs you inflict
and a kind of delict.
you might pay with a fine of some sort.
"
"my arms are confined, so now you've
got to give me more freedom to move.
please step back and stand clear,
i need elbow room here.
now watch this, i've got something to prove.
"
"rodrigo diaz de vivar
has a story that's slightly bizarre:
fought both for and 'gainst moors
in some various wars.
as el cid, he was known near and far.
"
"it is said that the first year, it sleeps,
and during the second, it creeps.
english ivy is one
of the plants that will run,
so look out, 'cause the third year, it leaps!
"
"it's a thin, egg-dipped pancake, deep fried
with minced veggies and meat rolled inside.
take a break and kick back
with this one-handed snack.
it's the best chinese food that i've tried.
"
"count to ""tenth"" and one more, then you get
the next ordinal number; and let
this be voiced as ""eleventh""
(not ""third"", ""fifth"", or ""seventh"")
in your sequence, or series, or set.
"
"electric, this catfish sure is;
it's a freshwater fish that means biz.
it discharges and jolts
chosen prey with its volts.
once they're shocked, they're consumed in a whiz.
"
"it's a formal pronouncement, command
from a high-ranked authority, and
it is backed by the force
of the law, so of course
edicts must be obeyed?understand?
"
"at a food and drink contest in ono,
the champ, dressed in bib and kimono,
quickly stopped, dropped a chop stick,
then hopped and flopped cropsick;
to eat in excess is a no-no.
"
"""now it's your turn,"" she cooed, ""to excite ?
head to toe, gentle, playful, and light.""
wool-like dowle from a feather
(not cuffs, whips, or leather)
she chose for their foreplay that night.
"
"your plane's going down like a brick.
there's no time, so a switch you now flick.
the next instant your chair
will propel you through air ?
an ejector seat exit is quick!
"
"add some eggs, sugar, nutmeg, and cream
to your liquor, then blend.  it would seem
tasty eggnog is here
to bring holiday cheer,
'cause at christmas this drink reigns supreme!
"
"it's my favorite place to go eat.
nice decor with great service ? complete.
they serve tasty, digestible,
healthy, comestible
items with flair ? what a treat!
"
"many spanish explorers were told
of a great south american hold,
so they searched with bravado
for famed el dorado,
but never got rich, only old.
"
"if the earth blocks the light of the sun
from striking the moon, that is one.
if the moon blocks our view
of the sun, that's one too.
eclipses: celestial fun!
"
"to call forth or bring out (something latent),
your techniques may be subtle or blatant.
they may cheer, laugh, or boo,
provide feedback to you;
that you're seeking responses is patent.
"
"it's a system of trains overhead
whose third rail is electrically fed.
spare your car and your feet,
beat the heat on the street,
it's a treat, take the el train instead!
"
"i want farmland that's ""green"", more sustainable.
i was told it would help if it's drainable.
said a farmer, ""no doubt
if the water flows out
of the soil, then your goal's more attainable.""
"
"""you may say?i'm a dreamer"", john wrote,
""but i'm not? only one?"", and i quote,
""?hope?you'll join us"", then ""and
?live as one"" (the world) ? grand!
what a dreamworld his song would promote!
"
"a hot-head, home-schooler, a drooler,
picked a fight with a ruler, a dueler.
but the spit from his lip
caused his weapon to slip.
now he's buried and quite a bit cooler.
"
"pack some compasses, maps, and warm coats.
we'll watch drift ice today from our boats,
study how it behaves
in the wind and the waves,
and make notes based on which way it floats.
"
"climbing plants, if they could, might well tend
to show off lofty traits and defend
that they're better, and frown on
and always look down on
those plants that will never ascend.
"
"an egyptian zoo worker, akhmed,
had a chore: get the fallow deer fed.
""feed 'em fruit,"" the head said;
but for change, he instead
fed the bubale boboli bread.
"
"a cokehead abuses cocaine,
which may cause, for the addict, much pain;
just watch the afflicted
soul, tony (depicted
in scarface the film), go insane.
"
"when a gold, mid-sized cyprinid's caught
in a lake in south wales, what you got?
any clue? the solution:
you drew a true crucian.
a goldfish is what it is not.
"
"so you splash some and whimper a tad,
and it's curdled to boot, so you're sad;
though it's thick, a bit lumpy
and sour?come on, grumpy?
don't cry over spilled milk gone bad!
"
"these buns with their flour-sprinkled tops,
made from natural leaven and hops,
filled with sausage, chips, egg,
bacon?makin' you beg?
are called barm cakes; grab one, lick your chops.
"
"the hotel thief was captured with ease,
though he ran when he heard the shout ""freeze!""
the copper's nark's tip
and the bellhop's quick trip
worked in sync?""lock 'im up, toss the keys.""
"
"the king's daughter was kept in the keep
with door locked, the big bar hole filled deep.
so the knight, who was large,
made his move, taking charge?
breached the window then her in her sleep.
"
"in the arctic's cold water and snow
stands the land's largest killer?a pro;
meals of seal served on ice
are appealing and nice
circumpolar bear fare, don't you know.
"
"chinese boxes give patience a test,
for inside one another they nest.
you'll find one inside one
inside one inside one?
and there's always one more than you guessed.
"
"an old aboriginal said,
""there's a cold winter coming ahead.""
i asked, ""how do you know?""
he said, ""all white man show?
by the wood that's piled high in his shed.""
"
"the thunderstorm boomed; what a sound!
and the boom of our boat swung around.
then the coast guard arrived
making sure we survived?
when the boom we'd hit ran us aground.
"
"we've a labrador dog; he's a case
with a pedigree. odd? just a trace.
he abhors getting wet,
and a trip to the vet
brings to mind parts he cannot replace.
"
"avocado's a dark color green
and its fruit is a much paler sheen.
but its seed is the pits
and there's no doubt that it's
just the slipperiest nut ever seen.
"
"if we want to eat bread every day,
there's no doubt we must work for our pay.
but a few who repose,
and all effort oppose,
get their bread and eat cake, if you may.
"
"a young skier who lived in peru
had a ski that detached from her shoe.
the face-first fall she took
was sure one for the book?
and her backside was imprinted, too.
"
"have my four-score and four years been spent
in a way that has left discontent?
sure, it could be my age,	
or it might be my rage   	
that i'm now geriatrically bent.
"
"there's adept and adapt and adopt.
now, let's see for which one i should opt.
we're adept? that is, ""apt"",
and ""to fit"": that's adapt,
then adopt means ""accept""?where i've stopt.
"
"audiologists light-beam your ear.
if they say, ""it's a wonder you hear,""
or the light passes through,
then there's no aid for you;
so you learn to read lips?persevere.
"
"like two magnets precisely aligned,
look at dark-coloured clothing, you'll find
it attracts all the lint
of a light-coloured tint?
with a hundred small hairs intertwined.
"
"""disorderly conduct in diner""
was the crime he was charged with (though minor)
when the hot patron took
his cold eggs to the cook,
raised his fist and then screamed, ""have a shiner!""
"
"dirty word: one that's vulgar, obscene?
used to shock, knock, or mock, or demean.
if it's spewed lewd and rude,
viewed as crude, i'd conclude
that the mood it conveys is un-clean.
"
"a small portion's a dab; this is true.
was the brylcreem ad true?""?dab'll do?
the gals'll?pursue ya""?
or jingle-sung hooya?
you bought it but, later, shampoo.
"
"when you show that a thing is not true
or correct an erroneous view,
you disprove it. now wait
for the heated debate
and review by your peers to ensue.
"
"did i mention the pension convention?
there was tension and then some contention.
fierce debate about perks
(who, what, why, how it works)
caused dissention, then meeting suspension.
"
"for my first job, let's say i got through it;
it was dirty work, sure, but i knew it ?
pumping, well, you know, ""it""
from each foul septic pit.
i just figured that someone must do it.
"
"if your aim's to expose or disclose
something secret or cloaked, i suppose
you could show it or tell it,
be novel and spell it
in limerick form or in prose.
"
"a disco ball's mirrors reflect
any light from the spots you project
on its facets that spin
high above.  patrons grin
as they dance to the swirling effect.
"
"'cause they act as a mild anesthetic,
i quaff beers at a pace that's frenetic.
with each skip to the loo,
i'm reminded that, too,
they're a whiz of a strong diuretic.
"
"deposit (direct) is a must!
it's a transfer of funds that i trust.
automatic, secure,
it can help to ensure
that your bank account never goes bust.
"
"your accounts will soon tell you forsook
all good sense, if you take a good look.
you can't spend and not earn,
you are broke, you should learn?
even though there are cheques in your book.
"
"my wife and i argue a lot:
she hears everything; my hearing's shot.
it's an impasse?we're mired?
we are both getting tired
of her shouting and my asking, ""what?""
"
"two young cousins were felling some trees.
one, alarmed by the stiffening breeze,
hollered, ""run! snags could break!""
so they'd one choice to make?
and departed with relative ease.
"
"a bed bug will bite in the night
and nothing you do gives it fright.
you can search till you're blue
in the face, but it's true
that it's gone when you turn on a light.
"
"while i strive to develop my art?
understanding that painting's a part
of the art critic's view
of each painting i do.
then who cares; art is good for the heart.
"
"when a tiger eats man it's a fright,
though a tiger is destined to bite.
but when man, wanting meat,
chews on man for a treat,
it's an anthropophagical blight.
"
"when children go wrong it's a shame
and sometimes it's solely their aim;
if apparently bad,
maybe mother and dad
as the parents should share in the blame.
"
"an ounce of prevention is rare,
and it's proven each day. we're aware
of the accident rate
for the fools who tempt fate:
it appears that they simply don't care.
"
"every time i sit down to compute,
with intentions the most resolute,
those darn pop-ups up-pop
and i can't make them stop?
i'd suppress them, if i were astute.
"
"an olympian jumper from brest
took a fall in his gold medal quest.
piling up in the snow,
but not wanting to crow,
said, ""i did what was my level best!""
"
"o come ye, a newly born king,
hark the herald, and merrily ding!
angels, shepherds, a star,
three wise men from afar;
time for carols! let's join in and sing.
"
"""j. s. bach ?"" said the muso from ibrox,
""contrapuntal perfection: his vibe rocks.
he's not early baroque
(monteverdi's old stock):
papa bach is the first of the high b'roques.""
"
"the life of gesualdo: dramatic!
like his colourful music, erratic.
accidentals abound;
his unusual sound
is amazingly, wildly chromatic.
"
"to glaze your pots, biscuit or bisque
in the kiln first, to cut down the risk
that the clay may deform
in the glaze, wet and warm,
and your bowl could end up as a disc.
"
"it's the riff-raff who go to the caff
for some bacon and eggs and a laugh,
but in caf?s they sip
with their stiff upper lip.
i stay in, cos it's not worth the faff.
"
"the diplodocus? dears, let us focus.
prehistoric terrain is his locus.
he's a dinosaur: long,
evil-tempered and strong?
so it's best if we don't let him stroke us!
"
"devotees of the tea blend earl grey
won a limited victory today.
the bergamot flavour
is still theirs to savour?
a storm in a teacup, i'd say.
"
"how they cheered when i scored for the nation?
they gave me a standing ovation!
i feel light, beaming bright;
i'm as high as a kite!
what a glorious feeling: elation!
"
"are you hugging an egg? what a muddle!
you're the easiest one to befuddle!
no, please do not spoil it;
i meant lightly boil it.
that's coddle, you wally, not cuddle.
"
"as they swam, said the tiddler to dad,
""here's a friend!""  ""no, he's not, that one's bad!
though his smile is inviting,
those teeth will be biting;
that's a dentex?swim fast, little lad!""
"
"the synapsid anapsid (long dead)		
crawled from water to land (i have read)
with two holes in its skull,
leaving mankind to mull
over similar holes in his head.  			
"
"you've decided to take off some weight,
so you skimped on your breakfast at eight;
then attenuate light,
but at noon lost the fight
when you saw yourself eat and inflate.
"
"a sports-minded student from maine
was developing brawn over brain.
as his thinking-box shrunk
he became quite a hunk?
'cause from steroids he couldn't refrain.
"
"it's a hobby?i do it for sport,
still not sure ta-ta-tum is my forte.
all this limerick stuff
with its editing's tough.
makes me wonder which ones to abort.
"
"an old fellow was bludgeoned, and dead.
a prime suspect was tracked where he fled.
he'd a hammer in hand,
but denied it was planned?
""it was mallet aforethought,"" they said.
"
"in old paintings, rotundity's fine.
now we tend to believe the ""svelte"" line
hyped by elle and tv?
about looks, don't you see:
adiposity's out, they opine.
"
"when a medal for bravery's earned,
it's for someone who danger has spurned.
there's a risk that they take
for humanity's sake?
some are killed, others injured or burned.
"
"if something is working like new,
there is no earthly reason that you,
with the talent you bring,
might try fixing a thing
that's not broken, or even askew.
"
"there's a myth that old africans tell
of the basilisk's horrible smell.
it could kill with its breath,
which was worse than a death
from a witch doctor's magical spell.
"
"now the difference between them and us
is so small there's not much to discuss.
while it's ""huh! u.s.a.!"",
canuck speech ends with ""eh?""
so i ask, ""what the hell's all the fuss?""
"
"beware mother moose with a calf;
she is faster than humans by half.
she can dart 'round a tree
with such speed you should see,
and climb up on your truck?that's no laugh!
"
"she's a hockey fan true, that's my wife?
really avid amid her team's strife.
the canucks have long crashed,
but she states, unabashed,
that they'll bring home the cup in this life.
"
"one more second this last new year's eve?
twenty-third they've thrown in, i believe.
this atomic clock fix
for old father time's tricks
lets our mother earth wobble and weave.
"
"those in need of it won't take advice,
'cause the giver's not always precise.
they should listen to me?
i would give it for free,
with some kick-ass and telling them twice.
"
"because of donations i made
(can't remember just what it will aid),
they've acquired my name
and will soon try to shame
me to help with another crusade.
"
"a bagel is dough with a hole.
an aficionado's main goal
is to keep the name pure,
only how, they're not sure;
just don't call it a doughnut or roll.
"
"some donations that we made before
now have others a-knock at our door,
'cause they peddled our name
to a list ? it's a shame:
we'll not hand out to them anymore.
"
"i've now gone from a cast to a cane,
after hobbling for months in some pain.
the damned thing is a curse,
but without it, it's worse?
'cause three legs over two is a gain.
"
"you'd track me through storm seas and lull,
and you'd search when it's sunny or dull.
you would greet me with joy
if i were the last buoy,
and you happened to be the last gull.
"
"with a dog you know where you are at.
but you can't say the same for a cat.
it will sit there and stare,
maybe cough up some hair,
or deposit dead mice on your mat.
"
"matching artwork to sofas is part
of d?cor in the homes that are smart.
while a connoisseur knows,
there are those who'd oppose
just by querying, ""but, is it art?""
"
"terminology's all when you sail.
hearing starboard for port you could fail
to spy rocks that are there?
hear about 'stead of wear
you might capsize the boat in a gale.
"
"an abecedarian knows
just where all of the alphabet goes.
but i'm needing to find
a numerical mind
who will teach me the 1-2-3-0's.
"
"our labrador sheds yellow hair.
it's cast off every day, everywhere.
when we sweep it all up,
we could make us a pup
if we wove it together, i swear.
"
"i know an old turk from suez,
who had drilled there for oil, so he says.
don't remember his name?
my amnesia's to blame?
but i've never forgotten his fez!
"
"there's a battle of sexes each day
in most bathrooms, it's needless to say.
when a man lifts the seat
he's set up for defeat?
because she wants it down right away.
"
"a good carpenter measures things twice
and cuts once, and he gives this advice:
""don't just measure things once
and cut twice like a dunce:
that's a waste of good wood; be precise.""
"
"a lone bag on the carousel rode
and i wondered just what was its load:
was it missed or mislaid,
or just baggage that strayed?
or a suitcase about to explode?
"
"buying art is no task for the weak,
unless you are the boss and can speak
for the taste of your mate,
but you're still tempting fate?
that they'll not like your honest critique.
"
"while building our house, i rejoiced
that i'd conquer the cold and the moist,
keep us snug, dry and warm
and secure in a storm...
but the floor sunk?i had to rejoist.
"
"i've known plumbers of highest repute,
and known others who don't give a hoot
if your sewer's all packed-up?
that sort i'd have backed up
to their own roto-rooters, and root.
"
"next to washing and bathing, ol' jake
was averse to the rattlin' snake.
when he squatted, he cussed,
as a snake bit the dust,
'cause it fanged ol' jake's rear?its mistake.
"
"an itinerant painter named rush,
whose fine lettering made people gush
o'er his signs in gold leaf,
struck it rich, to be brief,
in the stock market?not with his brush.
"
"there's a saying, ""let sleeping dogs lie"".
if you wake one, don't look in its eye.
if the dog's alpha male,
and does not wag his tail,
he may feel you're a threat?pass him by.
"
"a boa constrictor from guelph
shunned all food and just lay on his shelf,
but on seeing a vet
he learned why he would fret;
he was much too wrapped up in himself.
"
"in olden days knights were quite short.
wearing mail, they liked fighting for sport.
on a horse that could prance,
they attacked with a lance?
but weren't long for the fight if amort.
"
"the enticing aroma i wake
to each morning, which stirs me to shake
off my day-facing blues,
is the bean i abuse?
gotta run; it's my first coffee break.
"
"'buy now! while they last', the ads plead.
'if you buy you can save', they mislead.
yes, i'll save, but won't spend,
keeping bucks in the end?
to buy mostly those things that i need.
"
"jake needed new boots so he had
the old diamondback tanned and was glad
to wear such striking boots,
said, ""these crotalus beauts
will drive all mis amigos clear mad!""
"
"she's a bird in a braced plastic cage.
called a malibu, it will assuage
crippling pain in her neck,
keeping movement in check,
and prevent her from acting her age.
"
"he has thousands of hours in his book
on de havilland beavers; just look
at his eyes and you'll see
he's a bush pilot?free,
since amphibious pathways he took.
"
"bridal showers for soon-to-be wives,
where the presents are toasters and knives
amid fun and applause,
are called showers because
wives'll reign for the rest of their lives.
"
"the name edinburgh hasn't an a
at the end, but i hear that's the way
it's pronounced by a scot,
who would know what is what.
but a -burgh without a seems okay.
"
"two old jews at a urinal peed
on each other. surprised, they agreed
'twas the rabbi of buy,
who was blind in one eye,
bias-circumcised both, guaranteed.
"
"cruising timber through sloughs 'long a chain,
the trees' average size to attain,
a bold muskrat with young
grabbed my boot by the tongue:
made me yell out in fear, not in pain.
"
"a bird of minerva's an owl.
with huge eyes used at night on the prowl
it can swoop on its prey,
and in silence can slay
a large number of rodents and fowl.
"
"simon jackson developed a plan.
to protect the white black bear from man:
he would save 'spirit bears',
and while safeguarding lairs
see the government bring in a ban.
"
"he had bread and a bottle of wine,
and a blanket to lie on to dine,
'neath a tree for some shade.
then he thought, ""got it made.""
but the ants made his girlfriend decline.
"
"ol' jake was a wrangler supreme,
herded dogies, rode hard, drove a team.
cow hands kept him down-wind,
(but ol' jake was thick-skinned)
'knew his odor gave cause to blaspheme.
"
"how can someone advise a young lad
on the wonders of women? egad!
there's a great deal to know,
and so much you can't show,
and he seldom can ask mom or dad.
"
"it is better to make others wait
than to never show up for a date.
but a groom with cold feet
might select full retreat,
thinking, ""better be never than late.""
"
"if a man is considered as odd,
he's abnormal (he may be a clod).
if eccentric as well,
he can make life a hell,
if he thinks that he also is god.
"
"though i thought that the coughing was tough,
'twas pneumonia that made me feel rough.
while i near bought the farm?
i sloughed through without harm
after soughing ""enough was enough.""
"
"when an opportune moment appears,
you'll do best if you perk up your ears
and learn what it's about,
even try the thing out?
or bemoan it the rest of your years.
"
"to castrate a bull there are tricks.
i've heard some might use blocks for the fix.
when asked, ""doesn't that hurt?""
""yep"", the answer was curt,
""if yer thumbs get between the two bricks.""
"
"all antimacassars that be,
those and doilies, they're too much for me.
but what riles up my id
is a loo's covered lid:
makes the seat fall when i stand to pee.
"
"my wife leaves the rhyming to me,
and the meter and spelling; then she
tries to parse the whole verse,
adding, ""that's why you curse?
'cause your nouns and your verbs don't agree?""
"
"'tis said new brooms make sweeping a breeze.
then there's broom that makes lots of us wheeze.
but to sweep raises dust,
and they both have been cussed
as the things that cause many ah-shneeeze!
"
"the football went right through the glass
when the junior  team played on the grass.
but the window they broke
had belonged to the bloke
who had taught them to play?""oh, alas!""
"
"a baby stays put where it's laid,
like a wee sack of sand, oh, so staid.
but a 'terrible two'
can run faster than you,
or hide out in a quick ambuscade.
"
"there are doctors whose manner we love,
made for bedsides and going above
and beyond in their care,
making patients aware
that their skill and mien go hand-in-glove.
"
"there are buyers who choose to acquire
only one artist's work. some aspire
to buy art, here and there,
then discuss and compare,
feeling they've made a deal to admire.
"
"an artist named art was a fake.
every drawing was forged that he'd make.
he would copy and steal
and his paintings conceal
that his motto was ""art for art's sake.""
"
"being somewhat unnerving to take,
a lensectomy's done for the sake
of your eyes. and what's more,
you'll see colors galore,
as your vision's improved in its wake.
"
"i phoned doc, ""my gut's aching, feel worn.""
""eat some prunes?i'll call by, in the morn.""
his prescription seemed odd,
but to me he's a god.
with his help most all sickness i scorn.
"
"if the root of all evil is 'dough',
then a con man will grab it and go.
he will grasp and connive
and he'll skin you alive.
unless you're really in on the know.
"
"now if some of my speeches were found
to be spreading apheresis 'round,
i would hope you could 'scuse
dropped-sound words that i use?
in my lengthy orations, they 'stound.
"
"the elephant, big as a house,
is afraid of the tiniest mouse.
and the mouse fears a cat?
there is some sense in that?
but then, man fears a wee bitty louse.
"
"balderdash shouldn't be tough
to fit in a limerick. fluff,
with an odd and absurd
and ridiculous word,
should be just about silly enough.
"
"artie dreamed as he tramped through the gorse
of a life as a cowboy. the source
of his most recent gloom
is the fact, we presume,
he's allergic, alas, to his horse.
"
"a conch shell's a low, mellow horn;
makes a doorstop, could also adorn
a small niche or a shelf.
at your ear, by itself?
you'll imagine the sound's ocean-borne.
"
"when i'm up in the morning at five
there is adequate time to arrive
at my plans for the day,
but time's frittered away,
till there's no time for plans to survive.
"
"an east indian fellow i knew
said he'd been everywhere and can do
just about any thing.
well! at bragging he's king?
and his name? bhinder dundat, that's who.
"
"when i shower i don't like to rush,
but i do like to use a stiff brush.
it refreshes the skin,
lets the water soak in?
and it makes my hide tingle and blush.
"
"if they're flat, objets d'art need a frame,
but a carving or bust, not the same:
no, a stand or a niche
will display the piece, which
might be rare, even worthy of fame.
"
"it's said beauty is seen through the eyes
of beholders, and that's no surprise.
what is ugly to some
is held up as a plum
among others?which reason defies.
"
"the old skydiving record was beat
on a free-fall from ten thousand feet:
when near one thousand thais
honoured bhumibol's wise-
ness and sixty-year reign in his seat.
"
"when we dated we danced cheek to cheek;
now we're wed we've been known not to speak
to each other all day?
and i'm sure i will pay,
and must try to be good week by week.
"
"i used to have beautiful abs,
which developed like hard-as-rock slabs.
but as aging came on
my ab muscles, long gone,
left instead just the ugliest flabs.
"
"if you're panning for gold, and black sand
is left over from what you have panned,
it holds colors and flakes,
and the luck that it takes
to find nuggets to pick out by hand.
"
"with my cataracts gone i am free
to see colors the way they should be.
makes me think and acquaint
the old masters' dark paint
with the view they were able to see.
"
"you've accomplished a lot in life's ride:
your achievements now fill you with pride.
but beware as you go
there are others who know
of the ones who have been at your side.
"
"oh! canada's beaver is caught
in a rather embarrassing spot.
it fells trees for its nest,
floods the land; it's a pest?
and does not give a dam for a lot.
"
"if you want to sweep gals off their feet,
it is best if you get with the beat.
take some lessons in dance
and increase any chance
of romance with the belles that you meet.
"
"they consider i'm over the hill.
i've been under the weather, but still,
i will never admit
that i'll up and i'll quit?
'til they're down-to-earth reading my will.
"
"a snail that got booed, 'cause he's slow,
said, ""i'll get a small car, and i'll show
a big 's' on the door.
no bronx cheers anymore:
they'll say, 'look at that wee s car go.'""
"
"in the arctic the weather's not nice
over landscapes in shades of blue bice.
many animals there,
seals and walrus, and bear,
are the eskimos' fare?kept on ice.
"
"could it be the first monk-penned decree
told the priests it's their lot to be free
and to celebrate life?
then poor copies brought strife,
dropping 'r', writing 'i' for an 'e'?
"
"""with your dough,"" said the doughnut to roll,
""i'd vamoose from this greasy old hole.""
said the roll, ""you need crust.
to be hard-baked's a must...
take a powder! that cop's on patrol!""
"
"i must take to my bed right away,
as the day's been a proper affray.
i've been way over-taxed,
not a minute relaxed?
and my mind says, ""let's call it a day.""
"
"acrophobia's the fear when you stand
on a ladder or chair, bulb in hand,
to replace one that's blown.
you could fall, it's well known?
even break the new bulb when you land.
"
"my friend's casual approach seems to spring
from his carelessness, often to bring
him considerable grief
with no end or relief:
yes, of recklessness, he is the king.
"
"since the shoe's on the other foot, flo,
you can say how you want things to go.
i have now given in.
you can stifle that grin.
but your argument? what a low blow!
"
"her knickers got into a twist
as she writhed, bending leg over wrist.
she tried splits on the floor,
and i said to her, ""you're
no contortionist; please now desist.""
"
"jobs always look easy to do
when done quickly by pros; that is true.
but when amateurs try,
you can tell with your eye
they took weeks and went wholly askew.
"
"there is nothing so sacredly ranked
as the place in which most money's banked.
hold one up and you'd see
they'd just throw 'way the key.
may the prophets of mammon be thanked.
"
"you will want him behind when you've groaned
when your hemorrhoids have you dethroned.
he's an anal doc true,
a proctologist, too?
who believes that no stern be untoned.
"
"some board members raise quite a stink
when it's found that there's lots of red ink,
or the books have been cooked
and they might all be hooked?
if the company's now on the brink.
"
"the marathon race for a cup
was won quickly by willy von krupp.
he was so far ahead
he went home to his bed?
they'd to waken the front-runner up.
"
"now i'm older and stronger's the pot
of coffee?i drink quite a lot?
that i need every day.
but at nighttime i pay?
as i lie there awake on my cot.
"
"when the deadbeat was caught with a bun,
he was breathless, dead beat?he was done.
he had not paid  his bill
(that's like robbing the till)
at the diner?he'd eaten and run.
"
"to analyze words you indite,
look at slant, and the weight and the height.
check each dot of an i,
each crossed t, and looped y,
as your 'hand' shows you up when you write.
"
"with bed rest and medicine, too,
it took seven full days to beat 'flu'.
for those working instead
of just staying in bed,
it took only a week to subdue.
"
"it's got currants and cherries, and rum,
and there's ginger and allspice, and some
cloves, brown sugar and port,
flour and eggs and it's short
of a dozen more items to come.
"
"a young student, who looked rather drawn,
had developed his brain o'er his brawn.
taking courses all day
left him no time to play?
and he studied from dusk until dawn.
"
"casanova de seingalt's well known
for his memoirs of women; he'd shown
that he never forgot
his great love for the lot?
despite cheating from which he had flown.
"
"when we met he looked real shifty-eyed,
and i knew he was bad when he lied
about being in jail;
how he's now out on bail?
with his ball-and-chain steel-shackled stride.
"
"i'm annoyed by free-versers and worse,
as a poet, my thinking's averse
to their no-rhyming claim
to use poetry's name.
call them prosets?it's prose they disperse.
"
"dr. mehran anvari can slice
with a robot, in very precise
operations in space,
or a most remote place,
and with joysticks, control the device.
"
"an archer could pull with the best,
as he showed in an arbalest test:
it was loaded to go
with an arrow, his bow,
till he shot himself right through his vest.
"
"most attorneys, by training, are smart.
they are taught to be tough, it's an art.
so don't cross them in court;
they're just there for the tort?	
and for sport they will tear you apart.
"
"life's a balancing act, and it's rare
my accounts ever balance, as there
are just too many days
left when all of my pay's
been long spent: so on balance,  'tain't fair.
"
"in the eyes of beholders you'll find
there's a great gaping difference of mind
'tween what's art and what's junk,
what's sublime and what stunk,
but don't argue with either?they're blind.
"
"churning cream into butter's an art?
making buttermilk, tasty but tart,
and fresh butter so good
on baked 'taters' it could
make a meal that goes straight to the heart.
"
"a good athlete depends on his feet,
and must 'keep on his toes' to compete.
if his toes start to itch
or they sting like a bitch?
he'll find athlete's foot toughest to beat.
"
"a camisole, made with long sleeves,
is the jacket for him who believes
he'll consort up above
with the purest of love
for the murder on earth he achieves.
"
"many lawyers, attorneys and such,
are quite often a rather soft touch.
if you pierce their hard shell,
why then surer than hell
there's a person you'd like very much.
"
"in the heat many wildebeests snooze,
catching up on their latest ados,
and a-nap with one eye?
with the other, espy
lions watching the afternoon gnus.
"
"anniversaries happen each year.
be they natal or wedding, the dear
can remember them, yet
husbands tend to forget?
with apologies always sincere.
"
"to make breakfast you need expertise.
there'll be those who want omelets with cheese,
and another who begs
for two three-minute eggs,
which shows breakfast folks hardest to please.
"
"no more fearful words fill us with dread
than it's cancer. ""doc, that what you said?
she's the love of my life,
for six decades my wife,
oh my god! and you say it has spread?""
"
"jane auerbach's limerick bee
would be stunned if it came to b.c.
we could scramble its head,
spelling buzz with a z,
and then where would the bumblebee be?
"
"you'll be waylaid and robbed if you seek
a new house. you'll be 'left up the creek'
in the wild ambuscade
the home market has made?
that's unless you've the wealth of a sheik.
"
"when i find i can do it, i quit.
i begin something else so that it
takes up most of my time,
(there's no reason nor rhyme)
as from one to another i flit.
"
"a caucasian, a lad from fermoy,
met an asian girl trekking hanoi.
they had fun in the sun;
back in ireland, their fun
caused an 'occident'?wee baby boy.
"
"the taxman just audited me.
i'm still sore on my arse and my knee,
where i sat and i squirmed
and i kneeled and affirmed
that i'd had it: the full third degree.
"
"the clerk showed her a brilliant cut 'rock',
and i sensed that she wanted to talk
'bout the ring i might buy,
and i said to her, ""i
won't be taken for granite. let's walk.""
"
"the phrase caveat emptor warns you
there's a pinch when you buy a cheap shoe.
it says ""better be brisk,
and not take on the risk
of a deal that's too good to be true.""
"
"it's around; it's concerning: about.
here's a plea, an appeal; i'll not shout.
canucks don't say ""aboot"",
nor is shout pronounced ""shoot""?
so then please, all you yanks, cut it out.
"
"at a meeting the chair takes command,
and a motion can fail or can stand.
one seconds a minute
or tables things in it,
then adjourns with the wave of a hand.
"
"she asked for a speed stick, and i
got mixed up and forgot what to buy.
i bought speed-sew instead
and now, ""darn you,"" she said.
""i can't raise up my arms if i try.""
"
"after serving their last soup and pie,
there's a place for old waiters who die.
and the epitaph there
causes viewers to stare;
it reads: ""by and by, god caught his eye.""
"
"to change boundaries some favored might,
claiming '54-40 or fight'.
james k. polk, to his fame,
proved that peace was his aim.
he decreed use of might wasn't right.
"
"i'd a feeling she'd taken to me;
a fine couple we'd probably be.
but, despite all our heat,
i developed cold feet,
so i had to cave in?to stay free.
"
"old ed's hearing aids cost him a ton?
told his friend that they're second to none.
asked ""what kind are they?"" he
said, ""just wait, let me see,
yep, my watch says it's quarter to one.""
"
"it seems very fitting that those
who fight fires with engine and hose
help survivors of burns,
whom society spurns,
and fund research and treatment that shows.
"
"an old fellow, a-nap in his chair,
dreamt he'd been, but not why he was there,
whom he saw, and just when,
what they talked about, then
he remembered ? he'd been everywhere.
"
"introducing, he blunders, then blushes,
with his face getting red as he flushes.
it was no kind of joke,
he just merely misspoke?
when he called her a lush, 'stead of luscious.
"
"a young aerialist swung with her beau
and was caught in the air in the show.
although when she was down
she fooled 'round with a clown,
and got caught in the act?had to go!
"
"when my paint bottles spilled, how i swore!
they spread red, blue and yellow; what's more,
purple, orange and green
then appeared in the scene
as an abstract was formed on the floor.
"
"""take the cash and the credit forgo,""
said khayyam the old tentmaker. ""show
me the money?no cheques.
if you're thinking of sex,
then on women and wine blow your dough.""
"
"a settler was born in the west;
said his dad, ""you're a blue blood, the best.""
but his mom was a cree;
""no! red blooded,"" said she,
""that's a statement that i will contest.""
"
"arctic terns seek the antarctic sea.
like all gulls they eschew any tree.
hatched on cool arctic ground
they fly pole to pole 'round,
where they feed during summers, then flee.
"
"if your life's topsy-turvy, don't fret.
if it's higglety-pigglety, let
what's inside you get out,
and then turn things about?
bid good-bye to confusion: no sweat!
"
"an apprentice with brains of a gnat,
shown the secret of cutting a mat,
being shown yet again,
then replied with disdain,
""oh yeah. sure, if you do it like that!""
"
"i don't have to guess at your age.
on your face it is writ like a page
of the history book
of your life, and you look
like a person who's kind, and a sage.
"
"to sail close to the wind on a tack
(the direction you head on a track),
you must trim your sails tight
or you'll likely invite
being more than just taken aback.
"
"when i got my beef consomm?, i
was aware it included a fly.
to the waiter, i said,
""i don't think that it's dead.""
""hold it down, it'll drown,"" his reply.
"
"in close-quarter fights, one depends
on the back-to-back presence of friends.
if you fight when you're wed,
""back to back"" rules in bed?
'til you promise some major amends.
"
"from 'frisco to b.c.'s wild straits
i go sailing with sea-going mates,
and when weather turns foul?
crashing waves, winds a-howl?
sails are reefed, till the fierce storm abates.
"
"joe's toe had been sore and turned blue.
so his doctor advised him, ""when you
see my specialist friend
your foot's trouble will end:
he's a cobbler; a shoe nail's come through.""
"
"tehy say slelpnig is relaly clhid's paly,
so tihs lerimcik sohlud raed oaky.
the fsrit lertets, and lsat,
mkae the riednag go fsat?
and the rset you can jsut tohrw aawy.
"
"""is it hot enough for you?"" they ask.
i snarl, ""yes,""  then i take them to task.
""i prefer it less cool.
do you think i'm a fool?
it's a hundred and ten?let me bask.""
"
"when a bug runs across a tiled floor
you best stomp him, declaring: ""it's war"".
if he makes his escape,
better get into shape?
he'll return with about twenty more.
"
"there are those who are handsome, though bald?
in fact, calvous. yes! that's what they're called.
some pilgarlics want hair
how e'er it gets there.
the piliferous don't want theirs mauled.
"
"i took dance lessons once (they were neat!)
'cause i thought it would help me compete
for the girls on the floor,
but they couldn't ignore
there was something not right: my two feet.
"
"i was blue through the day?seemed to last.
thought a workout might pick me up fast.
but on thinking it through,
only one thing would do:
i laid down till the silly thought passed.
"
"approval's what each person seeks.
it's invited when he or she speaks,
or writes lim'ricks that will
show off some of their skill,
earning rfas after critiques.
"
"there's a nut like no other, i've found,
'cause it ripens, matures, underground.
there's no ifs, ands, or buts
that those arachis nuts
make the best peanut butter around.
"
"to anneal, weld and draw he aspires:
forging iron red-hot in his fires,
clanging anvils a-peal
with his arm, strong as steel,
making sounds that a blacksmith desires.
"
"the colon's the part of your gut
between cecum and rectum, yes! but
major trouble could flare
that you'd not know was there:
colonoscopy might save a cut.
"
"a student from (now) istanbul
tried to woo a young girl from his school
with an opaline ring.
she said, ""one little thing?
i just constantinople, you fool.""
"
"ten two-letter words say it all,
in a motto that hangs on my wall.
reads ""if it is to be""
then ""it is up to me,""
so i know i must answer the call.
"
"big red noses and oversized boots,
tiny hats, and bright pillow-stuffed suits
will identify clowns.
some may even wear gowns,
and play horns that spout water, not toots.
"
"""i recall,"" the old barn cat meowed,
""when that llama they bought was allowed
to take charge of the spread?""
""and you're mad,"" the dog said,
""because you think that three is a crowd.""
"
"nine puns failed to tickle my id.
(perhaps all the assonants hid?)
but the very last one
made me laugh (it was fun),
which means only one pun in ten did.
"
"years ago, away back in the past,
there were cobblers who seldom amassed
any fortune in gold;
but well heeled, even soled,
they all faithfully stuck to their last.
"
"my art is eclectic and i
know that many will pass it right by.
but of critics i'm leery:
i can't stand when they query,
""did you really do this?and, pray, why?""
"
"when a cricket gets into your house
it will make much more noise than a mouse.
it's obnoxious at best;
this orthopterous pest
is a wing-rubbing, sleep-robbing chouse.
"
"""i'm anaphylactic,"" said she,
""i'm allergic to nuts from a tree.
if i taste just a trace,
epinephrine's in place,
and my epipen needle's the key.""
"
"chewbacca's no use for a vest,
for he wears bandoliers 'cross his chest.
with his sashes of ammo,
he doesn't need camo,
but his lack of pants?that's unaddressed.
"
"red delicious and arkansas black,
fuji, gravenstein, rome, jersey mac,
granny smith, ruby jon;
i could go on and on
listing apples, but i want a snack.
"
"in the cargo bay1 stayed the bay2 ray
while the greyhounds were baying3 all day.
held at bay4, ray would neigh
to the bay5 water's spray,
as the boughs of the bay6 swayed away.
"
"the anopheles: it's a mosquito
that sucks blood from a tom, juan, or vito.
her bite ought to scare ya
(she carries malaria)
but the male's just a plant juice bandito.
"
"an assembler, quite often, is thrilled
to put parts together. he's skilled
in making assemblies.
he suffers the tremblies
whenever he hears the word build.
"
"i can alternate both back and forth,
going first to the south, then the north.
i'll pronounce what i say
in a masterful way,
then for thpite, i'll try lithping, of courthe.
"
"ahio appears more than twice
(you'd think that just once would suffice),
but he thrice in one book
gets a biblical look.
well, he's three guys, to be more precise.
"
"said the wiz to the scarecrow, ""descartes
next to you isn't nearly as smart.""
the tin man was tougher;
his lot was to suffer
acardia: born with no heart.
"
"here's the airstrip: a runway alone
with no porters or taxicab zone.
completely generic
and almost barbaric:
no starbucks or white paging phone.
"
"a stop and release into fricative
closely tied as one noise are indicative
of an affricate sound
like in \ch\, where i've found
\t\ and \sh\ to be plainly applicative.
"
"when you're tallying chunks of meniscus
in your knee that you tore throwing discus,
and the abacus here
is unwieldy, you fear,
use the handy, petite abaciscus.
"
"there's a beautiful girl in the choir
whose angelic voice sets me afire.
for her i am burning.
with love i am churning.
i'll explode if she sings any higher.
"
"said an oregon woman named gloria,
""i adore living here in astoria.
it's cold and it's wet
in the winter, you bet,
but my summers are filled with euphoria.""
"
"you've got four stomachs, cow. in the last,
true digestion occurs unsurpassed.
abomasal's the word
for all actions past third
in your tummy arrangement so vast.
"
"madagascar's nice capital city
is diverse and religious and pretty.
antananarivo
has mud huts and tivo?
a culture defined by committee.
"
"one ten-billionth, when shaved from a meter
gives an angstrom. if you throw your heater,
that baseball could go
say, a trillion or so,
if it's hit by new york's derek jeter.
"
"the attention i got for my dance,
i assure you, was not due to chance,
nor my drunk serenade
to the lamp and its shade.
'twas because i'd forgotten my pants.
"
"ontario's got one, i'm told;
in england, you'll find one that's old.
but inside the u.s.,
you will find nothing less
than three ""abingdons,"" lo and behold.
"
"i have finished the first fifty-four
and my stomach's so full that it's sore,
but your cakes are so good
that it's well understood:
i am eating another (one more).
"
"to those who reside in armenia
and likewise, our friends in slovenia
you're just a stone's throw
from each other, you know;
there are only five countries between ya.
"
"most current events make the news,
while electrical currents bring views
to our eyes and our ears
causing anguish and tears?
which currently gives us the blues.
"
"on a boat that's well kept, there's no doubt
you could eat off the deck. it's about
having heads that don't smell,
a clean galley as well?
so please keep it shipshape or ship out.
"
"we enjoy dining out for our meals
where the waitress says ""welcome,"" then spiels,
""follow me, walk this way,""
as she leads with a sway?
i say, ""sure, if i wore those high heels.""
"
"a catalogue comes  every spring.
it has pictures; i order; they bring
tiny seeds that my thumb
can poke in, till it's numb?
then watch earth do its magical thing.
"
"""are you cold?"" the jerk asked with conceit.
so i said (having frost-bitten feet),
""if i may be so bold,
there is really no 'cold';
it is simply the absence of heat.""
"
"arturo felt blue, out of shape.
though depressed, he'd make wine: he'd escape
to his cellar, have fun,
sip some wine from a tun
while downtrodden and stomping the grape.
"
"if the mirror you use is concave,
you won't see the svelte image you crave.
if you're stout more than thin,
you will want to peer in
to the glass that's convex, looking suave.
"
"a pop man, repairing machines,
bending over, showed butt 'bove his jeans.
i no doubt should have known
that the slot which was shown
had no pop-can depositing means.
"
"it's said 'clothes make the man': i agree.
hiding parts that you'd not want to see,
they make dour into bright,
mister nice guy a fright?
and a thug appear good, cap-a-pie.
"
"she said, ""thanks for the offer, but please,
may i first give your chocolates a squeeze.
and i hope you don't mind,
i can't eat the hard kind,
'cause if any have nuts i will sneeze.""
"
"on the audiovisuals cart
are materials aimed at the smart:
some films and projectors,
computer connectors,
and one unidentified part.
"
"mrs. abington oft starred in plays
in the seventeen-hundreds (old days).
while reynolds did paint her,
there's no cause to saint her
though fashion and style earned her praise.
"
"the white skin, it was surely a clue.
the pink eyes were another one too.
i said, ""listen, ol' rhino.
i know you're albino.""
then he paled to a luminous hue.
"
"kissed her lips, yes i did, it's the fashion;
but the face of the hostess turned ashen
and her countenance gray
from the saucy display
when i slipped her the tongue. too much passion!
"
"in the state of ogun, in a hut
watching bugs, here i sit on my butt.
in abeokuta,
the insects have scuta
(like everywhere else, but so what?).
"
"now don't get your nose out of joint:
the anterior nasal spine's point
(the acanthion tip)
hovers over the lip
that your mucus, adrip, may anoint.
"
"clear the way, don't delay, give me room!
(then your hike, if you like, can resume.)
my descent from the top
is propelled (i can't stop!)
by my towering backpack of doom.
"
"back when he was the prez, jimmy carter
called his brother bill over to barter.
""i'll trade you a beer
if you steer clear of here.""
billy jumped at the chance (jimmy's smarter).
"
"the programming language called awk
has a grammar that might make you gawk.
though it's good for reporting
the data you're sorting,
its terseness could cause you to squawk.
"
"when the gov'nor pulled up in his lexus,
he said to his aide, ""it won't vex us
that the bawdyhouse here
seems a little austere;
it's the best little whorehouse in texas.""
"
"the acinaces, sword of antiquity,
once hung from men's belts with ubiquity.
any persian or mede
likely made his foes bleed
with this blade, which would make them persniquity.
"
"without gills, what would angelfish be?
well, for one thing, abranchial. see?
just breathless and floating
and stinky and bloating,
expensive, striped fishtank debris.
"
"soon an envoy from rome will appear
to anoint a new cardinal here.
this ablegate's mission
is to bring, by tradition,
the insignia of office, my dear.
"
"vegas odds, for the erudite gambler,
on defining the english word ambler:
8 to 1 for ""a horse"",
but the best bet's, of course,
2 to 1 for ""a leisurely rambler"".
"
"my time spent in court (the superior)
was sad, but my prospects are cheerier.
my barrister's trickery
absolved me of kickery
of bonnie prince charlie's posterior.
"
"buck owens, merle haggard and friends
moved to bakersfield. hist'ry contends
california's the place
where they changed music's pace,
and the country with rock-'n'-roll blends.
"
"my report: from the girls i escort,
i extort my support?it's my forte.
but the sort i exhort
finds my sport comes up short.
to accourt (same as court), i'll comport.
"
"we are similar in our mentality:
abnormalcy means ""abnormality,
an irregularity,
departure from parity.""
example: our split personality.
"
"in the hallways, my monitor duties
i ably performed, despite cuties
who steamed up my glasses
while begging for passes
and left me with cases of cooties.
"
"hey, you! enzyme lovers! let's praise
acetylcholinesterase,
which helps a nerve ending
receiving and sending
and prevents nervous system delays.
"
"i am now on the outside and i'm
looking in on the scene one more time.
you broke into my heart;
now you've torn it apart?
b and e's your dispassionate crime.
"
"make with meat, fish and veggies, all chopped;
add diced onions and mushrooms ? some opt
for black olives, and green;
olive oil (keep it lean).
antipasto ? this snack can't be topped.
"
"sitting 'round in the campfire's light,
jake oft' told of the violent fight
that he'd had with the snake,
and the boots he would make?
and the tale would grow taller each night.
"
"take care when you blow your own horn,
'cause you could be the object of scorn.
people might take the view
that what sounds great to you
is a lot of old bull?just to warn!
"
"bobsleds are speedy machines
that hurtle down icy ravines.
whether four-man or two-,
pusher's last to go through
as the sled races down and careens.
"
"it is written 'the end' (can't say when),
'will be here in a hundred or ten
thousand years, thereabout'.
as i'm no way devout,
armageddon on out before then.
"
"an old bookkeeper died in the night.
so the staff sprung his drawer for a sight
of what mystery lay
where he'd looked every day;
'twas a note: ""debit: left, credit: right"".
"
"amnesia's when memory's gone,
robbing man of his sine qua non.
the afflicted may fret
if they tend to forget
what their names are, or what's going on.
"
"old astronomers thought the ides best
fit the 15th of march, and then guessed
they'd use may and july
and october and try
for the 13th in all of the rest.
"
"it's a color i usually eschew,
but my skin has developed a hue
that's more yellow than red,
so i'm heading for bed:
it appears that i'm jaundiced, and blue.
"
"an omnificent volume that's prime?
the oedilf, and we put in our time
using anapest style,
which might cause you to smile,
while held spellbound by meaningful rhyme.
"
"there are white bears in coastal b.c.
where the rain forest nurtures each tree.
amid mountains and mist
these rare black bears exist,           	
with extinction their threat, all agree.
"
"hiding lights under bushels has shown
that your talents will seldom be known.
you will have to be bold
if your work's to be sold?
but your cover from then will be blown.
"
"there was a young skier from fisk
who tumbled and damaged a disc.
she tried hard not to bawl,
but the worst of it all
was she put her petite *.
"
"innovator, inventor, of fame,
thomas crapper's the plumber's odd  name.
he was 'flushed with great pride'
to have royals astride
a new toilet that brought him acclaim.
"
"with assault there is shock and alarm;
done with battery's worse. punch an arm,
kick a leg and cause pain
to another? restrain
your aggression, before you wreak harm.
"
"after coming and going you're spent?
should you stay? should you leave? your intent
was to visit awhile,
then depart with a smile,
knowing not if you came or you went.
"
"morse code has a dah (?) and a dit (*).
sounds combine to make words bit by bit.
so three *** and three ? ? ?
and three *** without pause,
stands for help, ""s.o.s."", so i'll ? ? * ?,  **?,  **,  ?.
"
"this fact might appear a bit weird:
if one happens to have a dark beard,
it looks best when it grows
(because shaved, it still shows),
just as long as one keeps the beard sheared.
"
"'tis said doctors and nurses help spread
deadly germs as they go bed to bed.
antisepsis demands
that by washing their hands,
they'd cut illness?perhaps fewer dead.
"
"from my voyage, i brought you a trinket
filled with water that's brackish. i think it
is from a salt lake.
if you try to partake,
then your stomach might ache, so don't drink it!
"
"i once was a flying wallenda
'til the day that i lost my agenda.
unfortunately
for my kinfolk and me,
""hang a net"" appeared in the addenda.
"
"in jurassic days, huge allosaurs
had no hygiene; they lived out-of-doors.
but if they'd worn diapers
and used windshield wipers,
their eyes would be clean. not their drawers.
"
"could i live as cheaply as he
by subsisting abstemiously?
to act like a saint?
eat and drink with restraint?
would create a monotonous me.
"
"in a language like classical greek,
use the aorist verb form (how chic!).
it gives no indication
of an action's duration
or completion, thus adding mystique.
"
"said my friend, ""i don't like arizona.
it's too bland,"" as he sipped his corona.
i took my companion
to visit oak canyon
then told him, ""shut up and sedona.""
"
"now gather 'round, kiddies, and hear
of the port egypt calls abu qir.
'twas the place for a while,
in the battle of the nile,
where the british kicked bonaparte's rear.
"
"absurdism tells us that life
has no meaning and there's only strife
if you're searching for some.
so you're better off, chum,
spending nights on the town with your wife.
"
"ailuropodidae on your veranda?
look at that! holy cow! giant panda!
don't look so surprised;
you should have surmised
when he sent you those twelve memoranda.
"
"abreuvoir is the name of the zone
where the mortar connects stone to stone
when you're building a wall,
like the ones in my hall
that lead up to my white china throne.
"
"we've been married for sixty-five years!
some ask how?  i say, ""laughter and tears,
take one day at a time,
and my wife allows i'm
really boss?'least that's how it appears.""
"
"what's with pants with the crotch at the knee?
and those toques, pulled so low; can they see?
and peaks of the caps
on the sides, or perhaps,
on the backs of their heads?it beats me!
"
"the cannonball man just forgot
to re-zipper his suit and was caught
in the net by his feet,
while exposing his seat,
and was fired there right on the spot.
"
"enthralled by anne's beauteous curves,
the beguiler was showing his nerves.
he was there to propose
with a ring?but she knows
it's a ring for his nose he deserves.
"
"for people who sing, it's a choice:
a cappella refers to the voice
sans piano or string.
they've decided to bring
us their music, in which we rejoice.
"
"strong beliefs and opinions are used,
and the proof of a matter abused
by those challenged with fact,
who'll most often react
with presumptions and truth still confused.
"
"when a food is judged bad for your skin
(and for everything living within),
it is ballyhooed through
a publicity crew?
thus the merchants and makers still win.
"
"anne was bumped by a lout and it vexed her,
so sir john punched his jaw on the dexter.
when a rogue intervened
the young knight fairly preened
and announced: ""that is it, you are next, sir!""
"
"if your shoe laces tend to untie,
you need reef knots, not grannies, so try
tying left under right;
making bows, pull them tight,
then the left bow 'round through?piece of pie.
"
"all those customers eager to shop
tend to spend like they never could stop.
if the adage is true,
there are more than a few
who most likely 'will shop till they drop'.
"
"my brother horatio is gifted.
he can fly?like the time he was lifted
right up to the attic
(he's quite aerostatic)
when drafts in our house slightly shifted.
"
"as a parent, i'm feeling subversive,
for children today are too curse-ive.
it's no use protesting,
so i am suggesting
we wash out their mouths with abstersive.
"
"""we boarded a boat and we fled
from oppression"", the boat people said.
though their chances weren't good,
it was well understood:
they would rather be dead than be red.
"
"there once was a monkey named nate
who could brachiate straight to his mate,
swinging hand over hand
with his feet off the land,
but he can't anymore. he gained weight.
"
"brompheniramine maleate eases
the itching, the hives and the sneezes
that allergies cause
when the spring brings its thaws
and the pollens float in on the breezes.
"
"i would never cause pain to a llama
nor to cattle we know as the brahma,
for karma, to me
(and you may disagree),
means that brahma just might be yo' mama.
"
"as he finished in first, willie grinned
while the pack, still in back, knew he'd sinned.
for you see, the race started
and then willie farted;
he broke records because he broke wind.
"
"to the null device i have just sent
all my output. who knows where it went?
you could say that i've stuck it
into the bit bucket.
it's gone now, one hundred percent.
"
"the e-mail has bounced from my blast
to the mailing list i have amassed.
did each friend of mine change
his address? that is strange!
don't my pals want to make money fast!!!!! ?
"
"i'm all brains, my friend; you are all brawn.
all your musculature makes me yawn.
you are strong, there's no doubt,
which is why you're cut out
to replace me, so you mow the lawn.
"
"hessian fly is the crop seller's bane.
in this small barley midge's domain,
wheat and barley and rye
are all likely to die.
for the farmer, this goes against grain.
"
"my thighs are no longer abraded,
and the scars on my skin have since faded.
guess the corduroy shorts
weren't the best wear for sports,
which is why, for a speedo, i traded.
"
"ad nauseam, ad nauseam, and then
ad nauseam, ad nauseam, again.
ad nauseam once more,
ad nauseam line four,
ad nauseam, ad nauseam (say when).
"
"he was living so low in the gutter
amidst all the rubbish and clutter.
so abjectly to live!
what the poor guy would give
to have jelly with rich peanut butter.
"
"antarctica, scientists think,
is a continent poised on the brink.
if we keep burning coal,
we will melt the south pole,
which would leave the atolls in the drink.
"
"an abzyme's an antibody, true,
monoclonal (from one cell, not two),
catalytic in form,
causing t cells to swarm
to the pathogens they should pursue.
"
"there's the bumboat. it came from the shore,
with provisions and foodstuffs galore.
we can load up our ship
for our seven-week trip
from this floating convenience store.
"
"need a snack for the party you host?
make italian bread, sliced, into toast.
drizzle olive oil on it,
put on your host bonnet,
then serve this bruschetta, and boast.
"
"attack me at once, if you dare.
go ahead, punch my face! pull my hair!
throw a hand out, brer rabbit,
and surely i'll grab it;
i'm made out of tar by brer bear.
"
"jake's in prison for having two wives.
to escape he ingeniously strives,
squeezing hands, feet and knees
into homes of some bees
and is pleased when he breaks out in hives.
"
"allhallowtide season is here,
when the first of november is near.
when it comes (all saints day),
many christians will pray.
as for me, i'll just drink one less beer.
"
"""these are not scottish cattle, you goof!""
hollered i to the drunk on the roof.
then a red-spotted rogue
gave a moo?with a brogue!
""'ere, you shee,"" spluttered he, ""ayrshire proof!""
"
"dumping toxins may cause some chagrin,
for they bioaccumulate in
all the creatures of earth.
but for what it is worth,
my third arm helps me play violin.
"
"there once was a time when we thought
that accelerin helped blood to clot;
it was called factor vi
in coagulant mix,
but the wind has changed. now we think not.
"
"young dirk, a depressed adolescent,
loved ev'rything bioluminescent.
he'd watch fireflies each night
as they made their own light.
for young dirk, this was antidepressant.
"
"aborsement: a word for abortion,
a subject blown out of proportion.
the folks on each side
seem to take massive pride
stating views of their foes with distortion.
"
"""you've got schistosomiasis, son,""
said the doctor. ""your liver is done.
this bilharzial bug
means you'll nevermore chug
any liquor. no liver, no fun.""
"
"from living here near the frontier
and dealing with horses, i fear
that part of me panics,
for aeromechanics
have taught me, ""steer clear of the rear.""
"
"curse that hurricane ivan and rain!
i've got flooding and no place to drain.
now my door has absorpt
so much water, it's warped,
and the window is stuck?what a pane!
"
"with my chemistry set, my futility
to dissolve co2 caused humility.
my crafty old mom got her
absorptiometer
to measure the gas solubility.
"
"i saw spider-man try to escape on
a castrated rooster, with tape on
its feathers, for grip,
and his reason was flip:
""i heard superman flies with a capon.""
"
"to the coaches, he never will answer,
this last-second contract romancer.
he built his own shrine
to his birth (july 9);
in the clubhouse, he's two kinds of cancer.
"
"when your hair is trimmed down to a fuzz
or a bee makes a noise, that's a buzz?
as is drug stimulation,
or when the whole nation
discusses what somebody does.
"
"bottom-feeder: a creature that might
find its food at the bottommost site
underwater, near ground,
or the fellow who's found
in the taco bell dumpster at night.
"
"accrementition: it might be an issue
(it's the growing of similar tissue),
should it add to your size.
but if fame is your prize,
why not go for it? no one could miss you!
"
"uncle 'arry, 'oo's rich, never shares
with relations, in spite of their prayers.
nope, 'e 'oards all 'is dough,
but 'e'd soon better show
that 'e cares, ere 'is heirs air 'is errs.
"
"if a matrix derives all its actors
from its parent's square matrix cofactors,
it's an adjoint. this knowledge
was useful in college;
when dating, such facts are detractors.
"
"hyperventilate once and you'll know
what acarbia's like, uncle joe.
if your blood co2
gets much lower, then you
might be needing a pint of type o.
"
"acetylcysteine's a good drug to clear
out the mucus from lungs, when severe.
just inhale some of this
for some free-breathing bliss,
and we'll cheer that you're here one more year.
"
"achromatosis is causing my skin
to be pale, so you see veins within.
visine can't disguise
or de-redden my eyes,
and the pillsbury doughboy's my twin.
"
"up in maine, see the loons on the make
at the man-made aziscohos lake.
watch 'em getting it on
'til their energy's gone!
this is where they hang out for spring break.
"
"louisa may alcott was brimmin'
with stories about little women.
when she wrote as a. barnard,
adult praise was garnered
for tales wild as unripe persimmon.
"
"with a set of raised dots, helen keller
could read with her fingers. how stellar!
her heart might just fail
if she knew there was braille
on machines at the bank's drive-thru teller.
"
"go to aalsmeer to bask in the biz
of a bloom auction?biggest there is!
here's some friendly advice:
once you bid, that's the price!
if some guy bids before you, they're his.
"
"a brachiosaurus named marge
made a brash, temerarious charge:
""i'm the biggest there is
in the dinosaur biz.""
sorry, marge. there are others more large.
"
"the horseracing gates are not set,
but as always, i'm placing my bet.
i don't care where they start;
it's an ante-post art
(never mind that i haven't won yet).
"
"a belligerent ankylosaurus
conked his dinosaur wife, known as doris.
he did not go to jail,
but he lost his knobbed tail
in the settlement reached through divor-us.
"
"although antispam sounds like it means
that we don't like canned ""meat"" in cuisines,
it describes helpful tools
that route email from fools
to our trash cans instead of our screens.
"
"""you're afeared of them ghosts, scoob and shaggy,""
said the southerner. ""plus, your shirt's baggy.
what should make you afraid
is you're not gettin' paid!""
at these words, scooby's tail ceased its waggy.
"
"your mother was sorry to shame ya,
but birthing you caused adynamia.
your name's got uniqueness
for she, in her weakness,
went nuts?so you're called ""macadamia.""
"
"the elegant breaststrokers swim
with mellifluous ease at the gym.
their grace in the water's
akin to the otter's,
save for extra limb jim. pity him.
"
"in the heat of the day, god in heaven
heard a prayer from ascending soul kevin.
""i'm so dry. do you think
you could give me a drink?""
thus the stairway to seven-eleven.
"
"hoyt axton wrote music for years
for himself and a legion of peers.
in gremlins, he's dad,
and i'll tell you, i'm glad
he's still joy to the world and my ears.
"
"when i say to you, ""i'll take the brown,""
brown's an adjective used as a noun.
this adnominal term
might refer to a worm;
but in this case, i mean wedding gown.
"
"in a regexp, refer to a prior
expression you wish to acquire.
it's called a backreference,
and this is my preference:
write code with a few and retire.
"
"there once was a princess precocious
who'd dine in a manner atrocious.
as cute as can be,
she'd sit down to high tea
and then bite through the cups. how ferocious!
"
"i am antireform, i admit.
change the process and i'll have a fit!
i most loudly protest
that the old way is best,
playing baseball without any mitt.
"
"to solicit for sex is accosting,
and you frankly may find it exhausting.
you might try anyway,
if your spouse shows dismay
at your strange fascination with frosting.
"
"duded up like a shiny new lexus,
gene autry came riding from texas
to make movies and songs
and to right cowboy wrongs,
shooting crooks in the celiac plexus.
"
"yes, i boinked her. you heard me. i said it!
just in case you might think you misread it:
we fell on the bed,
and my skull met her head
with no echo at all (to our credit).
"
"1970, friend (bow your head),
saw the death of the famed mr. ed.
you can talk, yes, of course,
to the corpse of the horse,
but it cannot talk back, since it's dead.
"
"this reddish-brown metal is proper
when made into coins, says this shopper,
and also, it's fine
as electrical line.
it's the 29th element: copper.
"
"my elizabeth's bright as a pearl
and her cookery sets me awhirl,
for she strains food in bowls
that are riddled with holes.
i'm in love with a colander girl.
"
"there was once an investor named bruce
whose investments would never produce.
his account balance showed
he made less than he owed;
that's why bruce was seduced by the noose.
"
"in my undersea church state, authority
is held by religion. priority
for counting our polls
while we worship our shoals
is espoused by the coral majority.
"
"now that training has started, recruits,
you must take off your civvies?your suits
and your dresses and jeans.
then you'll put on these greens
and of course, since it's boot camp, these boots.
"
"in the tropic zone near pensacola
grows the cherry-like fruit acerola.
it's high as can be
in vitamin c.
why not sprinkle some on your granola?
"
"the chinchilla rat wears french cologne
and it worships sylvester stallone.
i'm making up stuff
for the data is rough;
very little about it is known.
"
"use a checksum for files you suspect
aren't the same. here is how to detect:
make a sum, for each file,
of its bytes and then smile
if they match. if they don't, then reject.
"
"ruth has pain from a pinched carpal tunnel;
it's a syndrome in which pain will funnel
through nerves in her wrist
from a myelin cyst.
now her two hands won't type, although one'll.
"
"i yelled, ""give me my ball back, you hun!""
at the extra-strict private school nun.
""now give me my ball back!""
(see, that was a callback
to something i said in line 1.)
"
"there are granules of proteins right there,
in the outermost endosperm layer
of a seed, and they're bound
to the vitamins found
in that place, but the chickens don't care.
"
"""a string"" and ""a string"" aren't the same,
or so says the case-sensitive claim,
and we linux folks feel
it's a pretty good deal,
but to users of windows, it's lame.
"
"a craniate creature, it's said,
has a braincase inside of its head
called the cranium. you
have this brain armor too,
so a noggin bump won't leave you dead.
"
"baby leans back and opens his throat
gobbling cheerios, ringlets of oat.
he devours whole bowls
but the pieces have holes,
so the chances he'll choke are remote.
"
"my deferentectomy means
that i won't be imparting my genes
to a girl or a boy,
so no ""bundles of joy""
will be wrecking my car in their teens.
"
"there are two girls i know, pat and kat,
who cohabitate in a small flat.
and if pat's feeling ill,
kat will fetch pat a pill,
because kat gets the dosage down pat.
"
"our decimalism decrees
that with powers of ten we're at ease.
i suppose it's because
of our ten-fingered paws
that we think tens are better than threes.
"
"dextrorotary objects excite!
turning right brings me joy and delight
when i'm driving a screw;
closing water valves, too.
of course, clockwise is simpler to write.
"
"""ca'canny,"" says slow-moving dirk,
as he languidly coasts through his work.
""we'll proceed at this speed
'til the boss pays us heed
and increases our paychecks, the jerk!""
"
"of my robot the rubes are afraid.
in their missives, my rosie's portrayed
as ""unnatural wife
undeserving of life"",
for she's abiologically made.
"
"my etiologic attempt
to find cause when my wife was verklempt
landed too close to home:
seems my fear of the comb
left my hair and my marriage unkempt.
"
"father harrington's face had turned pale.
""this is devilism!"" then came his wail
once we'd deigned to reveal,
for tonight's meatless meal,
there was seitan mixed in with his kale.
"
"there was once a fine speaker from wales
who enraptured his pub mates with tales.
every person who heard
would not dare miss a word
of his stories, which came with free ales.
"
"""i will donate some plasma,"" said mel,
""it'll help some poor soul to get well.
i'm in jail for a crime
but while donating i'm
extracellular: outside the cell.""
"
"here's a cuculoid sort of a bird
from the family of cuckoos, i've heard.
called the roadrunner, it
doesn't lay eggs and split;
it will raise its own chicks, undeterred.
"
"i'm a symbiont living inside
of a host, but it's not a free ride.
we both benefit, see;
i help him, he helps me.
each would lose if the other one died.
"
"if a lightning rod's currently bound
to an earthing rod stuck in the ground,
then the spark that arrives
won't erase all your drives,
and your cable tv won't be downed.
"
"my encounter group meets every week
so each member can honestly speak
of his feelings and dreams.
then we join in group screams
and then head to the ice cream boutique.
"
"""will we marry soon?"" quacked mallard cyrus,
but of patience lorraine was desirous.
""we'll feather our mud nest
right after a blood test
to make sure you don't carry that virus.""
"
"hardened plates coccolithophores wear
are called coccoliths. why they are there
is a topic of doubt.
if they figure it out,
i suspect that i still wouldn't care.
"
"""there ain't no man can double-cross me
and then live,"" ranted one-eye mcgee.
""we just shook on this deal,
so if ever you squeal,
you'll be taking a dirt nap,"" said he.
"
"""pilar sheath acanthoma. don't fear,""
said the doctor, ""it's easy to clear
with a quick little snip.
keep a stiff upper lip.""
""i don't want one, doc. that's why i'm here!""
"
"dental calculus formed on the teeth
of my non-brushing roommate, named keith.
now he ""integrates"" food
that's already been chewed;
to the tooth fairy keith did bequeath.
"
"water-soluble ions compounding
with fat-soluble chains are astounding,
for amphiphiles form,
explicating the swarm
of detergents and soaps here, abounding.
"
"enslavement's no kind of a life.
i'm a servant with no end of strife,
and i sleep in a crate.
but i chose my own fate
when i asked, ""will you please be my wife?""
"
"bryology: study of mosses.
bracketology: outguessing bosses
of ncaa
madness tournament play*.
crosswordology**: downs and acrosses.
"
"in the georgian republic abkhazia,
the abkhaz-speaking natives amaze ya.
they seek independence,
but georgia's defendants
aren't keen to change maps of eurasia.
"
"""decontamination procedure complete,""
said my lab partner, ""using high heat
and a chemical rinse
mixing two kinds of mints.""
only then would she tickle my feet.
"
"a fistula, ulcer or stye
on the innermost point of the eye
is an aegilops. heed
any claims it's a weed;
it's the oat-grass that grows in the rye.
"
"in straight chronological order,
the video, caught by recorder,
played back the events:
first i cut through the fence,
then arrested myself at the border.
"
"disobedience, when it is civil,
is refusal to kowtow to drivel
the government says
(like, ""we're banning all pez"").
we'll protest until attitudes swivel.
"
"the bunky board goes in your bed
'neath the mattress, the sheets and the spread
where the box spring might go,
and it forms a plateau
so you won't fall right through and drop dead.
"
"cutting curves into wood is a chore
that we moderns use power tools for,
but my gramps plied his trade
with a coping saw blade
in the manual tool days of yore.
"
"the conquistadors sailed out from spain
seeking wealth and political gain.
with their banners unfurled,
they explored the new world
in a brutal, oppressive campaign.
"
"one could pity saint thomas aquinas;
he worked for so long to define us,
though the logic he sought
and the bible god wrought
were at odds with each other ? a minus.
"
"with the bottle in hand, mork from ork
tried to open his wine with a spork.
mindy said, as she sat,
""use a corkscrew for that.""
mork cried, ""no! i don't want baby cork!""
"
"when i walked through an ages-old zoo,
i dislodged a small rock with my shoe.
its distinguishing shape,
reminiscent of ape,
says it's coprolite?fossilized poo.
"
"i says to the kid, ""listen, sonny,
look for some other way to make money.
your material stinks
and your act don't sell drinks.
it ain't comedy if it ain't funny.""
"
"i've decided it's time to come clean.
i am almost a man, at fifteen,
so i say, mom, with pride,
i've got nothing to hide.
here's the truth: that is dad's magazine.
"
"at the library's where you'll find darien,
the barbarian octogenarian.
he checks out his books
while he lustfully looks
past the desk, to check out the librarian.
"
"yes, the ump called a strike, for the bat
never left murphy's shoulder. it sat
while my pitch crossed the plate
and he watched it go straight
down the middle. ""strike three!"" that was that.
"
"use camphor for flavoring food,
or to treat minor wounds you've accrued,
to embalm one who's dead,
to keep moths from your bed,
or as poison (but that would be rude).
"
"it's a nucleus-free sort of cell
that we call the acaryote. hell,
it's akaryocyte,
if you want it just right,
but akaryote works just as well.
"
"an acanthopterygian's fin
is all spiny. its toothy, scaled skin
protects its insides,
but get past such hides
and the fish you'll find tasty within.
"
"old rufus the horse was the one
who could program computers for fun.
when he wanted his bite
just a bit left or right,
he would use bitwise shift. that's a pun!
"
"liberace lit twelve candles nightly
on gold candelabras, politely,
his movements awash
in esprit and panache.
there they burned, but he flamed twice as brightly.
"
"my calligraphy's sure to excite
when my ""beautiful writings"" ignite
a conservative's passion,
provoked by my fashion
of essays, which lean to the right.
"
"i simply can't bear or abrook
any obsolete words. i shan't look.
i obstrigillate terms
unless webster confirms
that they're recent. i go by the book.
"
"for parades, we embower caladium
and coat its pink leaves with palladium.
they shine like fresh snow;
then we add to the glow
with a delicate dusting of radium.
"
"in a vacuum, electrons will flow
from a cathode so hot it's aglow
to an anode nearby.
thomas edison: ""why
does the current go to, but not fro?""
"
"most significant byte coming first
means big-endian. order reversed,
little-endian means
your computing machines
their switch as bytes they've if coerced been.
"
"the evergreen plants keep their leaves,
regardless of when man perceives
the procession of seasons,
no rhymes and no reasons,
no matter the lengths of our sleeves.
"
"made of plastic that's glass-reinforced,
my new lance i have gladly endorsed.
with its fiberglass shaft,
light and strong fore and aft,
i'm still fresh, though twelve men i've unhorsed.
"
"when at first i displayed nonchalance,
audrey lovingly stroked her croissants,
making sure i was seeing
and thus guaranteeing
my epithumetic response.
"
"carbocation: ion containing
an atom of carbon sustaining
a positive charge,
and that's it, by and large.
there's no further explaining remaining.
"
"i tie cord to a carved slat of wood
and then whirl it as fast as one could.
when my bullroarer roars,
all my friends stay indoors
for my knot-tying skill isn't good.
"
"if the stems in the plants of your phylum
have multiple strands of main xylem
growing inside toward out,
then they're endarch, no doubt.
this i tell to the girls to beguile 'em.
"
"at the roof of your nose, you have grown
a small porous and cubical bone
that is easily smashed
when your sniffer gets mashed,
if, for instance, a haymaker's thrown.
"
"pastor phil often waxed evangelic
while portraying a hollywood relic.
when he preached us the word,
it did not seem absurd
that his face bore a mask of tom selleck.
"
"you're guilty! i have to declare,
and blameworthiness is your share.
i'm sorry, dear roger,
you're known as a dodger
of taxes ? of that i'm aware.
"
"""an acute angle, kevin, is less
than ninety degrees; i confess
that when it's confused
with obtuse, i'm amused.
it's no wonder your test is a mess.""
"
"with burley well stuffed in my pipe,
and, at twelve, under age and unripe,
i'm a lousy young bloke
who enjoys a quick smoke
of tobacco he might even swipe.
"
"last night, i awoke and heard frank moan
that he needed some cash and a bank loan.
he had asked at the bank,
but the clerk had been frank:
""your account, sir, resembles a lank bone!""
"
"an aerogramme: oh, how exciting!
i'm up in the air, like her writing.
her letter on wings
is promising things,
and it's plain to see what she's inviting...
"
"austro-daimler, concisely reviewed:
this automobile firm ensued
from daimler & son,
who decided to run
in austria, too ? rather shrewd.
"
"alexis, the ruler of russia,
saw no competition in prussia.
in razin's uprising
it wasn't surprising
the czar acted quickly as crusher.
"
"there was an old witch filled with gloom,
who sat all alone in her room.
though she knew it was risky,
she tanked up with whisky
and went for a ride on her broom.
"
"as i'm just a bilingual gawk,
i can tell you: aller means ""to walk""
in french (or ""to go"").
what else do i know?
oh, parler means ""to speak"" or ""to talk"".
"
"bilingually's how i grew up,
so today it's d?ner  when i sup.
my mother would fuss
when my father roared ""tasse!"",
'cause she hated to wash up his cup.
"
"with my six-fingered man paranoia,
my repetitive call may annoy ya.
it may bother my foe
when i yell out, ""hello!
my name is inigo montoya!""
"
"the access control list amounts
to a list of computer accounts
that can run, write or read
controlled objects. indeed,
any others' attempts merely bounce.
"
"an angioplasty can fastly
clear a path when heart blockage is ghastly.
a balloon is strung through
a blocked vessel or two
and inflated, increasing flow vastly.
"
"esrow si taht esrev on s'ereht sdog eht knaht
esruc a si ti .eno drawkcab a naht
,emyhr taht senil evif gnikam
emit elohw eht sdrow gnikram
.esrever ni ,oot ,emyhr ot raeppa taht
"
"i feel bad for our holstein, felicity.
for seven long years, with chronicity,
she's suffered the fate
from a d-cell she ate.
when we milk her, she gives electricity.
"
"my alcoholometer's broke
so my homebrew is naught but a joke;
the percent alcohol
may be nothing at all
or it could cause your eyeballs to smoke.
"
"having acarophobia bites!
i am frightened of insects and mites
or bugs that can squirm
like a larva or worm.
just the thought of them keeps me up nights.
"
"do you have ablepharia, guys?
if you do, then you'd sure win the prize
at a contest of staring.
your orbs would be glaring!
you were born with no lids on your eyes.
"
"akvavit, if it's liquor you need,
has the flavor of caraway seed.
aquavit's the same drink;
scandinavians think
that it's great, when on herring they feed.
"
"francisco v. de coronado:
colonial adelantado.
seven cities of gold
made his fortune go cold.
as for c?bola? think ""el dorado"".
"
"in the bible, king david's third son
(name of absalom) ended his run
because joab ran through him
with three spears that slew him;
thus the battle for israel was won.
"
"sheriff taylor has authorized me,
in the case of a jaywalking spree
while he's on his day off,
to arrest you. don't scoff!
i'm officially deputized, see.
"
"to oxidize substrates these days,
one employs a dehydrogenase.
with these enzymes, one can
transfer hydrides, my man,
to acceptors. it's now all the craze.
"
"an abassi was given to me
by a visiting, foppish marquis.
'twas a coin he'd dispense
that was worth twenty cents
back in persia in nineteen-aught-three.
"
"as a cumulatist, dr. macduff
will collect or accumulate stuff.
he hoards exercise shirts,
sending twitter alerts:
""they are sleeveless,"" he says, off the cuff.
"
"all alone in his basement or shack
sits the hacker, perfecting his crack,
so that you, i or mom
can't reach google.com:
a denial of service attack.
"
"with her mind set on conquest, giselle
led her troops to the entrance of hell.
""when the angels start screamin',
destroy every demon!
we'll conquer them. yes, we'll debel.""
"
"using chromolithography, chaps
can print full-color lithograph maps
of las vegas's strip
so that while on your trip
you can find the best place to play craps.
"
"creepy-crawlies crept up from the loam
through the vents in my house where they roam.
with a bug-killing chem
called exterminate them!,
pop the top and it's ""e. t. foam home!""
"
"every measurement from the inspection
is a data point in my collection
attesting my client,
the jolly green giant,
was insane due to fungal infection.
"
"in his creaseproof new outfit, miguel
came to athens to dwell for a spell.
in his wrinkle-free suit
he was given the boot,
for his clothing was greeceproof as well.
"
"my domicile's yellow and blue,
made of legos and shaped like a shoe.
it was easy to make,
but it's likely to break,
so i'd call it destructible, too.
"
"i'm surrounding the liberty bell
with a desiccant: silica gel.
this will help keep it dry
through our humid july,
thus preserving that ""new freedom"" smell.
"
"in the old days, dead bodies were stored
in a deadhouse, where they were ignored
while the winter was bold
and the ground was too cold,
because dead people never get bored.
"
"when the pinto arrived at my station,
it suffered from poor carburetion.
i started to fix
the gas/oxygen mix
but got high from the fuel's emanation.
"
"dr. smith had an ache in his brain:
a coarctate (compressed) minor vein
made the doctor feel ill,
so he blubbered to will,
""oh, the pain, william. oh my, the pain!""
"
"of the northern right whales there are few,
for the whalers of old often slew
any whale they could find,
like baleens of this kind.
it's no wonder these black whales feel blue.
"
"crimson crystals of lead chromate shine
as i wander the adelaide mine.
with my headlamp, i peer
at this crocoite here,
viewing wonders of nature's design.
"
"stirring cyclamate into your tea
makes it sweet as a fruit jubilee.
in the u.s. it's banned,
but the sugar twin brand
up in canada sells it to me.
"
"determinists say what's contained
in this limerick's been preordained
by the fates or whatever,
no matter how clever
my wording or how i've been trained.
"
"the chronicle called anglo-saxon
is ancient and, therefore, it lacks on
the grounds that its history
is shrouded in mystery:
reports that turn all sorts of quacks on.
"
"frank wanted a loan, but the bank rate
was high, and adverse to his blank slate.
he declined in the end
and told peter, his friend:
""it's too much ? i'm not buying a tank, mate!""
"
"adonean i'd look if my face
weren't a mess as is clearly the case.
'cause as long as a hose
and as slack is my nose ?
let's face facts: it's a total disgrace.
"
"as chancellor, ""doc"" konrad adenauer
was fond of his regular garden hour.
when mowing the grass
he'd make the odd pass
at his plants, ""oh, i do beg your pardon, flower!""
"
"ambidextrous, yes, that's what i am
at tennis and badminton?wham!
i can smash day and night
with my left and my right.
my opponents despair, hissing ""damn!""
"
"araucana ? these chickens i've seen
on the southern american scene.
the hens (and the males)
all have heads but no tails,
and their eggs are a pale shade of green.
"
"the adeling: heir to a throne.
as such he was commonly known
throughout the ""dark ages"".
on history's pages,
a nobleman, marrow and bone.
"
"a nutcase (or so i have heard),
who owned and kept many a bird,
would feed his poor parrots
on hundreds of carrots,
which may well be rated absurd.
"
"""bat better!"" brawled betty bart's brat,
but bertie broke brattie's best bat.
ben bauer bowled best
by betty's behest ?
both beaten by billy-bob blatt.
"
"my boat leaks! don't stand there and gawk!
yes, it's time now for action, not talk.
and make sure there's enough
of the right kind of stuff.
get going and caulk it with caulk!
"
"when you stroll, silly thing, through the brambles
on your regular countryside rambles,
you will notice in time,
not a rapture sublime
but the state of your clothes?quite a shambles.
"
"the traveller/author george borrow
toured europe on foot without sorrow
by numerous trails,
and his book called wild wales
will be known even after tomorrow.
"
"a cap and a stone form the name
of a rock which has some claim to fame
by ilfracombe harbour
(and not in ann arbor).
to miss it is clearly a shame.
"
"there was a young lady, jill white,
who attended a party one night.
though she knew it was risky
to tackle neat whisky,
she took up the challenge in spite.
"
"a clerihew uses two rhymes:
it's aa and bb at all times,
and this poem defines
someone's life in four lines?
be it stamped by good deeds or by crimes.
"
"a non-drinking nanny named blue
will soon raise a cry and a hue.
she's about to discover
that frankie, her lover,
drinks bourbon and gin from her shoe.
"
"a homesick young private called archer,
well known as a horrible marcher,
pinched a tank for a drive
to stay safe and alive.
it blew up (unexpected departure).
"
"""d'ye know"", asked the bard rabbie burns,
swaying drunkenly through the ol' ferns,
""what's here in my bag is
a tasty old haggis ?
for the highlands and this, my heart yearns.""
"
"there was a young lady named mandy
who got totally soused drinking brandy.
she had a long snooze
brought about by the booze,
which she thought had been nothing but shandy.
"
"my a levels bore no success,
i'm humbly obliged to confess.
it's not hard to determine
i failed maths and german?
and no credits for cricket and chess!
"
"an ardri's an irish high king,
as the bards will continue to sing
till the end of all time,
using verses sublime
and romantic in wording and ring.
"
"come closer, ch?rie, chimed carl clautsch,
choose cat's cradle (called charlie's cool couch)!
chew caramel crakes,
char conker crap cakes,
cease crying cantankerously ? crouch!
"
"an affable archer-at-arms
ate apples, awaiting alarms.
as attacks, all archaic,
aren't apotropaic,
any armistice aids ailing alms.
"
"the augean stables: a place
of muck, and an utter disgrace,
were filthy and dirty
for years (they say thirty!),
as hercules found in this case.
"
"anthological: adjective, word
for ""collections of scripts"", so i'd heard.
i got quickly infected,
so i bought and collected
such books by the dozen ? absurd!
"
"in amersfoort (where they speak dutch),
the guides tend to talk overmuch.
they talk about gates
and mountains of crates
for flowers like nonesuch and such.
"
"""anecdotically"", ranted my aunt,
""at college, i had a good grant,
but in no way i learned
how money is earned.
therefore tell you? i honestly can't.""
"
"adjustable styles a device
or a tool (to be clear and precise)
when it can be redone
to serve more ends than one ?
and without any increase in price.
"
"quite rare is the term acathectic,
describing abnormal or hectic
release of secretions ?
which may be excretions
of sweat when i get dialectic!
"
"aberdeenshire, as far as i've seen,
has a county-town called aberdeen.
and for all this is worth:
it's like perthshire and perth ?
unlike rutland (nudge, know what i mean?).
"
"the birthmark you've got on your skin
resembles a shark with no fin.
no wonder you bark
at folks in the park
who look at that shark with a grin.
"
"there was an old spinster named mame,
who would always have someone to blame
by day and by night
for not doing it right.
that was clearly a terrible shame.
"
"they told us in school that alaska
should not be confused with nebraska,
which not at all boasts
the possession of coasts?
but neither's got lake athabasca.
"
"his anagram sounds rather swell.
no reason why toto can't tell
that toot and not otto
is part of his motto ?
and a palindrome word it's as well.
"
"sipping armagnac, tasty french brandy,
the thought hit a dandy named andy:
reflections by nash
are most certainly trash.
what's he mean saying ""candy is dandy""?
"
"there was a young dandy, named sandy,
who first thought that candy was dandy.
he then found a sticker
[quote] ""liquor is quicker"",
and treated his girl to some brandy.
"
"on the sixty-four field board, i'd guess,
all these thirty-two men make a mess:
marching pawn, hopping knight,
bishop black (and one white).
my opponent grinned broadly, ""that's chess!""
"
"i'm a doubly-bilingual guy:
in dutch and in german i'm sly.
in english and french,
i can woo the odd wench:
""o, ch?rie, oh, my darling, oh my!""
"
"your arrogance, sir, t'say the least,
is telling, you proud arriviste!
you won't ever see
the difference 'twixt me,
who's a man, and yourself: you're a beast!
"
"john betjeman wrote he was sorry
to see that old bath was a quarry,
where people were starting
to wreck it by carting
it ""off by developer's lorry"".
"
"behavioral science, you knave,
studies closely how people behave.
so, give your appearance
a powerful clearance?
have a bath, brush your teeth, but first shave!
"
"a sorry affair is my bank book.
it makes me appear like a blank schnook.
the balance is low;
i've near run out of dough
all because of the gas which my tank took.
"
"fletcher christian was mate in a boat
whose captain (the cur!) got his goat.
so with painstaking scrutiny
he staged a big mutiny
and got captain bligh by the throat.
"
"confederate soldiers you'd see
in the army of robert e. lee.
when their luck became scant,
they were beaten by grant,
and the negroes, at last, could be free.
"
"the cumbrian mountains, for hiking,
in summer, are much to my liking.
their pikes and their lakes
are all what it takes
to describe the whole scenery: striking.
"
"last week, when our business went bust,
my partner disclosed that i must
meet some debts he'd incurred
in my name?so his word
was a shameful and low breach of trust!
"
"the beer glass, a trophy so fine
from the pub, i would never decline.
the joke that there passes:
""now if you want glasses?
optician, lad! don't you take mine!""
"
"he walks with a stately progression
in a solemn religious procession:
as a  cross-bearer, he
looks attractive to me
for his easy and peaceful profession.
"
"contact prints are the things that you get
when your film on the paper is set,
then you switch on the light
for exposure (and bright).
the result, though, is small, i regret.
"
"when my photos were up on the wall,
exhibited, someone would call,
""they are just black-and-white!""
my reaction then might
be, ""i'm colour-blind, fellow, that's all!""
"
"in the first place, i lost the old key,
then the gardeners cut down the wrong tree.
it came down like a bar
right on top of my car,
and it flattened my audi a3.
"
"there was a young gardener of durban,
who when drunk could be pretty disturbin'.
he'd water the lawn
from sunset to dawn
with 90 proof sour mash bourbon.
"
"genus biston has many a moth,
but they certainly wouldn't eat cloth.
since the cloth is too hard,
they could well try some lard
or perhaps something softer?like broth.
"
"the bubble-car audi a2
made its builders at ingolstadt blue.
since its sales were not high,
they waved it good-bye
like a useless and rusty old screw.
"
"the irish-born statesman ed burke
was much more than an average clerk.
the remarks on his banners
(""less laws and more manners"")
drove many opponents berserk.
"
"you are certainly very unkind,
with a racist and prejudiced mind.
you dog! with my canes out,
i'll beat your damn brains out ?
provided there's some i can find.
"
"when you don't have champagne, try blanquette,
which is just like the sparkling clairette.
it is equally nice
at a much lower price.
(or cr?mant is as tasty, i bet.)
"
"the conclave elects the new pope.
it has numerous questions to cope
with: majority, quorum?
it's not just a forum
where the outcome is probably ""nope"".
"
"there was an old boozer, named glenn,
who never knew when to ""say when"".
he made the odd passes
at half-empty glasses ?
not once, but again and again.
"
"at cr?cy, that's where the black prince
beat the enemy's army to mince?
the deed at the scene
from this boy of sixteen
means he's been a celebrity since.
"
"when single malt whiskies are blended
the final result may be splendid.
but if they don't fit
each other a bit,
then you get what you never intended.
"
"she was nice, and i couldn't resist her:
the daughter of father's young sister.
and mother's young brother
had fathered another
cross-cousin?my heart's all a-glister.
"
"when his cerebral haemorrhage struck,
my old friend, he was clean out of luck.
his head was aflame,
unconsciousness came,
and soon he passed out in his truck.
"
"cynocephalus?man with the head
of a dog on his body, it's said.
no case for zoology,
but traced from mythology,
like anubis, the god of the dead.
"
"a crook, who was after my friend
and who followed him right 'round a bend,
took precise care to hide.
he kept clear of each side
and crept up on him from the rear end.
"
"a computed tomography scanner
takes pictures in x-ray-like manner.
one gets placed in a tube?
be he only a rube,
or a gent or a doc or a tanner.
"
"when you're driving, ten miles out of town,
and your engine just stops, you may frown.
if you try a repair,
you should exercise care
and just wait till the engine cools down.
"
"aboding's an obsolete word
for foreboding, or so i have heard.
please, don't raise your brow
if i utter it now?
antiquity isn't absurd.
"
"an ardent young boy couldn't cope with
his feelings for sarah-jane soapwith.
aflame and on fire
he burned with desire:
""now, this is the girl to elope with!""
"
"tom is cadgy or merry or cheerful.
it's unlikely his eyes would be tearful.
the reason for this is
he never once misses
ensuring his belly is beerful.
"
"cynophobia?how i fear dogs!
i find them more loathsome than frogs.
so i give them wide berth,
which causes much mirth
for those thinking i'm short a few cogs.
"
"economic geography tells
you of more than just rivers or wells?
where bananas will grow,
how commodities flow,
who attracts or with duty repels.
"
"there was a musician named amber
who played the viola da gamba
in such a bad way
that she heard people say,
""her fingers?they just seem to clamber.""
"
"""eat health food!"" my grandfather said.
""and when eating keep using your head,
for brown bread won't nourish,""
he yelled with a flourish.
""eat multi-grain muffins instead!""
"
"for example, for instance: e.g.
tells you what this example could be.
when my friend's in the mood
to be nasty and rude
he makes fun of a fool, e.g. me.
"
"i chuckled and started to cough,
then encountered the wrath of my prof:
""if you don't stop that coughing,
which shows that you're scoffing,
i'm going to choke you right off!""
"
"""a popular fish is the cod
if you like fish 'n' chips,"" declares todd.
""but i don't like bare fish
on my plate as a dish.
it needs batter,"" he adds with a nod.
"
"i've just booked a holiday flat,
and the written agreement is fat.
but the owner was greedy:
""security? speedy!""
so i sent him an arrha plus vat.
"
"black willow: the shade of its bark
isn't really pitch black, but it's dark.
one can use it for burning;
i take it for turning
whenever one's felled in the park.
"
"when there's two things to choose from, you may
well decide in a leisurely way.
unless you want neither,
your choice will be either
the one or the other, i'd say.
"
"to my bank for some credit i'll go,
since their interest rates seem to be low.
their cheap money entices
just like reduced prices.
let's face it: we'd all like some dough.
"
"cylindricalness: i have found
it means something is straight and yet round,
like the shape of the pot
which my grandmother got
for the puddings for which she's renowned.
"
"when john met his lovely marlene,
'twas a love that the world hadn't seen.
but their dads both demurred,
so the couple concurred
on elopement to famed gretna green.
"
"easter sunday means much genuflection
in honour of christ's resurrection.
and kids on swift legs
are out looking for eggs
they can add to their basket's collection.
"
"egyptology renders description
of things that are ancient egyptian,
like writings (terrific,
but hieroglyphic)
i can't read, so i'm prone to conniption.
"
"a chieftainship isn't a boat
which may be (or isn't) afloat.
it's the rank of my chief?
who likes pork, veal and beef,
but who's now out to get someone's goat.
"
"""we're the elderly,"" so we've been told,
because people are rarely  so bold
as to say what seems true
to both me and to you:
the word elderly just stands for ""old"".
"
"you're not sure, so you only can guess
where to find out the story of bes.
you might ask a mythologist,
but a good egyptologist
can tell you the facts?more or less.
"
"earl grey is the name of a tea
which originates way 'cross the sea.
it is bergamot flavoured
and may be much favoured,
but has no attraction for me.
"
"a councillorship is the ""boat""
in which members of council can float
after having effected
their goal: get elected
to council by popular vote.
"
"a day laborer working at night
will get paid by the day. though he might
ask for time and a half,
mr. big and his staff
will insist that his salary's right.
"
"when composing  a shrewd editorial,
editorialist joe, in his oriel,
is thinking of schemes
for his text, as he dreams
it will be for a written memorial.
"
"catilina was planning a coup;
he was cunning, and confident too.
when his plot came to light,
he considered it right
to give up and then flee with his crew.
"
"my doltishness stands in my way
every time that i step up and say
something i think is clever,
which others would never
deem sound, so it leads to affray.
"
"the descent in north devon's clovelly
is often depicted on telly,
but its weathered old cobbles
cause wobbles and hobbles?
i slipped and fell flat on my belly.
"
"tending downwards, descending: descensive
and utterly incomprehensive.
the end has drawn near
of my showbiz career,
and this loss will be truly extensive.
"
"had i lived, i could tell you my pa
had been ruler of russia so far;
but our family was killed
and my blue blood was spilled,
thus blocking my turn as a czar.
"
"a cohune is a tropical palm
whose nuts taste quite good and have charm.
beware they don't fall
on your body at all?
they are heavy and sure to cause harm.
"
"i disladed (unloaded) my rover
in a field full of clover near dover.
i had gone off the road
so that most of the load
toppled out when the rover turned over.
"
"if crim is a short form of criminal,
then jim may be taken for jiminal.
and william st. leger
(analogy pledger)
might derive from a lim the word liminal.
"
"agreement, and concord, and peace
concordia sought to increase
as a roman divinity.
outside the vicinity
she was called harmonia (in greece).
"
"""urban spaceman"" was witty, well-made,
and the anthem of our brigade,
'cause this song was so swell?
we were under a spell,
when the bonzo dog doo-dah band played.
"
"sir john bart with the suffix bt
is a baronet, as we can see.
it was bart when it started
and first got imparted.
bart, bart sir john might as well be.
"
"eccentric?he kept a pet pig,
and delighted in dancing the jig.
this parson bob hawker
was known as a corker
and his opium bill was quite big.
"
"a vessel, a queen (not quite new):
both are known as elizabeth ii.
though the reigning queen's heir
may be losing his hair,
she still sticks to the throne. (who said ""glue""?)
"
"early childhood's a stage of one's life
when one can't use a fork and a knife;
and at nursery school
it's so hard to stay cool
in the pettiest trouble and strife.
"
"the dorian order's the oldest
of the orders in greece?not the boldest,
nor approaching the grace
of the others (no base!)
and it also strikes me as the coldest.
"
"the elsass (in french named alsace),
with its definite article das,
and where many a sermon
is preached in pure german?
that's northeastern-most france, now, h?las.
"
"my friend prepares meals: he's a cook,
and he's written a cookery book.
he was shook by a bookie
who took his last cookie
since he owed lots of dough. (what a schnook!)
"
"a measuring rod used of old
was the ell-wand, or so i am told.
its length was an ell,
gauging cloth you would sell,
as your merchandise changed into gold.
"
"he booms out, and his belly is round,
while he makes such a deep hollow sound:
hohoho, hohoho,
and his listeners know?
father christmas! and presents abound.
"
"of the danger line down at the pond,
i am sure that the council is fond.
and a note there will tell
you will sure go to hell,
if you're careless and wander beyond.
"
"oh, how dangerless could be my life
if it weren't for the trouble and strife,
and the fight without end
that was caused by a friend
who pretended to fancy my wife.
"
"the book bag of maths student rita
is so heavy, she can't walk a meter.
but lennie, her neighbour,
does not shun the labour
to carry it?happy to treat her.
"
"a daywoman works in a dairy
as a dairymaid (payment may vary).
she doesn't wear silk,
because droplets of milk
can leave stains, and of this she is wary.
"
"in our burial ground there's a grave
of a man who was held as a slave
just because he was black.
he came under attack
and was cruelly killed by a knave.
"
"his leadership led to elation,
but sometimes to downright frustration,
when ben was an airman.
today he is chairman
of the board of a big corporation.
"
"at bannockburn, robert the bruce
was prudent, but cool and quite douce.
though the english did rattle,
his scots won the battle:
king edward was chased like a goose.
"
"as a poet he's known very well;
his engravings were things he could sell.
william blake had a vision,
a creative collision,
with the marriage of heaven and hell.
"
"restoring a painting by turner
in a lousy cold workshop in smyrna,
fred wanted some heat
for his hands and his feet ?
and the painting got burned by the burner.
"
"the defamer said, ""gee, you are lazy,
incompetent, mad (i mean crazy!)
there's much to be said
for your kind being dead.
you don't get it? my gosh, you are hazy!""
"
"keeping disobligation in mind,
you will fail to be pleasant or kind
if you plan an offence
at your neighbours' expense
yet pretend to be kindly inclined.
"
"if you're harried or haunted by hair
which you feel simply shouldn't be there,
electrologists will
use their follicle skill
to resolve this distasteful affair.
"
"rather drunk, fred was driving his hack
the wrong way down a dark one-way track.
his lament (rather shrill):
""all my efforts were nil?
must be late, 'cause they're all coming back.""
"
"embarrassment?that's when my rhyme
is pathetic (it just doesn't chime),
and the we
giggles ""tee-hee-hee-hee,
it's worth nothing, not even a dime.""
"
"bigheartedness might bring success
when my lim's in a workshopping mess.
so, be liberal, don't cry,
when a weak rhyme comes by.
i'm not perfect; please practise largesse.
"
"this dyarchy known as andorra
features skiing, old churches and flora.
here a bishop from spain
holds a share of the reign.
so does france. that's a part of its aura.
"
"when e equals m (times) c square,
it describes relativity where
time and space are involved?
and who got this resolved?
we know: albert einstein. so there.
"
"edwardian denotes time or thing
from when edward the seventh was king.
queen victoria's son
reigned from nineteen-oh-one
up to -ten, when he died in the spring.
"
"the diphthong: inflected-type sound,
whereby two or more vowel sounds compound,
as in fear and in fair
and in here and in care.
had enough? or d'ye want a new round?
"
"three cars and three different abodes.
that means we have three different codes:
there's the british gb,
while the german is d,
and an f for the french country roads.
"
"disendowment?my aunt took away
the endowment she'd made me one day.
her reason was simple:
the fun of her pimple
i'd made to her utter dismay.
"
"facinorous, aren't you, my dear?
you're more wicked than anyone here.
you're a dirty old stick,
and it sure makes me sick
when you sneak baby's pee in my beer.
"
"the poet john skelton, it's true,
used ennew when he meant ""to make new"".
it's an obsolete word
which, to me, sounds absurd?
i'd abolish ennew; would you too?
"
"sir jack brabham (""black jack""), obe,
as a driver, won fourteen grands prix
(amongst others, in spa),
even built his own car
with world championships numbering three.
"
"my euonym's certainly simple:
folks cheerfully call me the dimple.
this gap in my chin
makes onlookers grin?
good job that i don't have a pimple!
"
"""what a farseeing guy you must be,""
my ex-mother-in-law said to me.
""your all-knowing decisions
and wizardly visions?
no wonder your wife had to flee.""
"
"john b. (who's the biggest of boppers)
would play his guitar riding choppers.
the girls were impressed,
but a sudden arrest
means he now plays his axe just for coppers.
"
"the path is a mile long? too far,
'cause i can't walk that far, so my car
will, as far 's i can say,
make a far better way
to get (fastest by far) to the bar.
"
"we were walking, and i found  a dime.
so did freddy. i thought up a rhyme
using dime, rhyme and ready,
and then so did freddy.
he equals me ? yes, every time.
"
"a bachelor hasn't a wife,
avoiding all trouble and strife.
he cooks his own dinner
and thinks he's a winner
on the sunniest side of his life.
"
"i was quite amused seeing my neighbour
rather clumsily throwing a sabre.
when i asked, ""what is this?""
he replied with a hiss,
""i am practising tossing the caber.""
"
"champagne, sparkling wine, i adore.
i have dozens of bottles in store.
they will turn into cullet,
when the drink's down my gullet
(but the burp which ensues, i ignore.)
"
"there was an old dandy, named andy,
who found a small cask of french brandy.
since only strong drink
made him feel in the pink,
the cognac came in rather handy.
"
"there was a young lady, janetta,
who rose to some fame in valletta,
when it entered her head
that she'd rather be dead.
it's the first time she'd used her beretta.
"
"there was a young man by the gipping
near ipswich. cold beer he was sipping
from many a can
which this very same man
then disposed of when emptied by tipping.
"
"attempting to sit abitur
was not a success, to be sure,
and it still is a mystery
how i passed (flunking history,
and french being far from ? jour).
"
"at hastings, in 1066,
king harold, they say, crossed the styx.
but historians found
this story unsound.
'twas battle where bill played his tricks.
"
"the imperative (kant's categorical)
has a quality highly historical,
and its value to many
who know it (if any)
seems, often, to be just rhetorical.
"
"southern england holds numerous chines:
that's where ground very steeply inclines
and forms a ravine,
grown-over and green
with bushes, but never with pines.
"
"my europeanness bothers some yanks:
i loathe baseball, i don't like tom hanks,
and i don't get my kicks
on their route 66.
californian wine? mais non, thanks!
"
"the chouans wished their country to be
unimpaired by the jacobins ? see?
and because robespierre
had a negative flair,
against him they rose (""ninety-three"").
"
"english-gothic in churches: the style
which has fan-vaulting decking the aisle.
it is known in particular
as style perpendicular,
found in england, but not in argyll.
"
"a ""telescoped"" word this is: brunch
(combination of breakfast and lunch).
it is two meals in one,
being second to none.
so enjoy it as long as you munch.
"
"many ""bonnies"" (i know at least three):
there's prince charlie (a king not to be),
bonnie tyler, a singer
and maybe a swinger,
bluidy clavers (or bonnie dundee).
"
"i'm lacking the power to fight you;
that is, i can't beat you or bite you.
but since you went so far
as to steal my new car,
i'll indict, or (archaic) endict, you.
"
"english oak's a deciduous tree,
and its wood is an ebonist's glee.
so i use it for turning,
till my lathe ends up burning?
in turn, that's unpleasant for me.
"
"""an apricot, cherry, or peach
is a plum,"" our teacher would teach.
it comes in quite handy
as apricot brandy
at a party, perhaps on the beach.
"
"to the capo said mob moll rosetta:
""i adore my new gun, a beretta.
with this classy m9,
i'll avenge you just fine.
let me shoot in the gang's next vendetta!""
"
"charles dawson liked digging (and jokes).
no wonder he duped honest folks,
when he showed them the pilt-
down man he had built?
an archaeological hoax.
"
"every morning the same sort of fuss:
before anyone else, wacky russ
would stampede down the street
on two very fast feet,
'cause ""the early bird catches the bus"".
"
"an electroplate (shortened: ep)
is an artifact covered (e.g.,
a vase or a kettle)
with a thin coat of metal?
electrolysis serves as the key.
"
"my neighbour's got two lively boys
who freely make use of their toys.
their juiciest plums
are two large sets of drums,
creating an ear-splitting noise.
"
"as an egotist i'd like to see:
my own self above others must be.
have you never reckoned
that you're only second
to someone as brilliant as me?
"
"the curviform parts of some girls
look so precious to me?just like pearls.
and i'm wondering why,
as i'm wandering by,
my poor head can't keep cool when it whirls.
"
"my bench lathe, among other things,
is old, so it rattles and sings.
but its turning's still fine.
both of oak and of pine
i can make very nice little rings.
"
"a cream pitcher's useful for serving
of cream, and its lip may be curving.
it can also be straight.
if it's dropped on the plate,
the mess this creates is unnerving.
"
"my friend asked me in for some beer.
i was wary and entertained fear
because he is shifty.
he is also quite thrifty,
so the beer might date back to last year.
"
"i've been busy since ten hours back,
when i started to shift a large rack.
my poor body is aching
from the effort i'm making?
a backbreaker, this is, alack!
"
"911 ? a mighty fast car.
that's what porsches quite normally are.
but if you exceed
the limits of speed
be advised: you won't get very far.
"
"fourteen sales is the total we reach
if we're averaging seven sales each.
 but while i've sold eight scooters
 and five new computers,
you've only sold one lousy peach.
"
"full attunement with life is reached when
you achieve a harmonious zen.
 it once happened to me
 back in '73,
and i hope i'll soon reach it again.
"
"any anti-american act
is an act where my country's attacked.
 but the word's use, in chief,
 is to label beliefs
that the government toadies have lacked.
"
"a young man from the duchy of kent
had a very ascetical bent.
 to himself he denied
 everything but a bride,
whom he'd give up each year during lent.
"
"abuseful means full of abuse,
and abusing? like kicking a goose.
 but the typical usage
 of words like abusage
means terrible language misuse.
"
"i attempted to act advantageously,
and bettered my lot quite courageously.
 being opportunistic
 has been my heuristic,
though some say i've done so outrageously.
"
"a-b-l., if it's in lowercase,
can refer to the ablative case.
 but the acronym, well,
 in all caps abl
can have meanings all over the place.
"
"up in russia lies aleksandrovsk,
a port town like petropavlovsk.
 as tom lehrer once mused,
 the third rhyme to be used
is a town that's named dnepropetrovsk.
"
"""tell me, sherlock, i'm still not quite clear:
when i drink, whither goes all the beer?""
holmes replied, ""the locale
is digestion's canal;
alimentary, watson, my dear.""
"
"of my girlfriend's delusions i'll cure her;
from her gods, she'll become an abjurer.
 i will teach her to see
 she should just worship me.
my pecan rolls, i'm sure, will help lure her.
"
"said the knight of his new armored suit,
""i need ninety degrees in my boot!
  since they built it with less,
  now my foot is a mess;
ankles' angles and pain are acute!""
"
"though i like what my meadow has spawned,
all the cereal seems to be awned,
 meaning, unlike the thistle,
 the wheatgrass has bristle
and hair on its flowers. (it's blonde!)
"
"as a plant, it's one most people wish
lived away from the lakes where they splish.
greenish seaweed's a pest
as it clings to your chest,
even though it's delicious for fish.
"
"if you like dionysian ways,
you see life as a pleasure-filled haze.
 but i think it's all phony, and
 stay apollonian;
order still rules all my days.
"
"if ad baculum's how you endorse
a position, you'd best change your course.
 when of reasons you're short,
 your debate lacks support,
so you try to persuade folks by force.
"
"""young george washington, don't hurt that tree!""
he replied, ""it's got cherries, you see,
 and because we need wood
 chopping's morally good.
i think axiologically.""
"
"california life makes me ecstatic,
aside from the earthquakes dramatic.
 i'm scared of the notion
 we'll sink in the ocean
and *sploosh!*?it'll all be aquatic.
"
"there are some who need cities to frolic;
i prefer a small town more bucolic.
 there's just me, my pet spaniels,
 and lots of jack daniels:
a heaven for this alcoholic.
"
"just a second ago you weren't there,
now you apparate next to my chair.
 when you swiftly appear
 i'm left cringing in fear;
by your movements i'm caught unaware.
"
"my archnemesis caused this disaster,
my worst enemy, armed with a blaster.
 but the city i'll save
 and put him in his grave;
i'm the flash, and i'll win 'cause i'm faster.
"
"if i aberrate far from the norm,
it's because i refuse to conform.
 often, folks drink iced tea
 when the temp's ninety-three,
but my tea i drink toasty and warm.
"
"an armistice means the cessation
of a war between nation and nation.
 but alas, in this world
 when such peace is unfurled,
it's a fleeting and rare situation.
"
"an assortative method of mating
means non-random, assigned by some rating.
 be it similar traits,
 or most opposite mates,
either way, it's less tricky than dating.
"
"if a girl cannot rhyme, i don't need her.
i love books with poetical meter.
 elegiacs are best,
 so it's time i confessed:
i'm an avid and ovid book reader.
"
"any affable fellow like bill
is so kind, he'll inspire goodwill.
 but an off-able guy
 might be fated to die,
since he's someone who's easy to kill.
"
"an agreeable judge just won't do,
to adjudicate 'twixt me and you.
 when you told him your plight
 he said, ""clearly, you're right.""
but when i spoke, he said, ""you're right too!""
"
"yes, i burned down her house with no shame.
for my arson, i won't take the blame.
 my ex-girlfriend with curves
 got the fate she deserves
for rejecting her loving old flame.
"
"most religions depict their own god
as one anthropomorphic, not odd.
 fewer people will pray
 to a dull shade of gray
than a being with man's face and bod.
"
"while our astronauts travel in space,
you'll see aquanauts probe the sea's base.
 but my favorites, all told,
 sought the fleece made of gold;
all the argonauts voyaged with jase.
"
"with the ladies, my lack of success
is attributable to distress:
 guess my face causes shock.
 now i'm down on my loch;
am i never to find mrs. ness?
"
"in the hague, there's a judge i once knew
who from amsterdam came by canoe.
 he said, ""clogged though it be,
 it's my hometown, you see,
and i'd love to go back, wooden shoe?""
"
"i'm not an alumni. here's why:
i'm only a singular guy.
  if it's one grad from school,
  the grammatical rule
is alumnus. (and i'm sigma phi.)
"
"drinking cocoa would make me morose
if 'twere spiked with a vinegar dose.
 i'd be hoping for sweet,
 but be met with defeat
if the taste were a bit acetose.
"
"a young fellow whose mind had gone murky
thought new mexico was a big turkey.
 santa fe was the nose,
 with las cruces as toes,
and the gizzard was near albuquerque.
"
"self-abusiveness means that i've dealt
to myself lots of pain that i've felt.
 i've abusively beat
 on my poor little feet
to the point where they're both sporting welts.
"
"the world's monuments are, as a norm,
shaped like needles and hence aciform.
there's the one in dc,
and the eiffel, paris,
which are just a bit phallic in form.
"
"an airplane was tested one night
by two chinese men seeking flight.
 wong fei-lu and wong ping,
 crashed and failed to take wing,
proving two wongs do not make a wright.
"
"ayn rand wasn't quite idealistic
when she said people aren't altruistic.
 helping friends is insane
 if it's not for our gain,
because life is just capitalistic.
"
"""casablanca is way overrated!""
say my friends. so i've often debated,
""'play it, sam' is the best!""
ah, but still they protest,
""black and white films are so antiquated.""
"
"if i'm seeking acquist (gain for me),
then i'm acting acquisitively.
 my acquisitiveness
 means i want to possess
roughly everything that i can see.
"
"if you say that your head has been aching,
then aspirin's what you should be taking.
 try to get lots of rest.
 well, unless there's a test,
which would mean you are probably faking.
"
"an ailurophile i used to date
thought that felines (that's cats) were just great.
 i think i'm a cool cat,
 but if she thought like that
then she'd probably still be my mate.
"
"when mustafa kemal went to work,
turkey's clerks all perked up with a smirk.
 he improved istanbul
 with political pull,
so they told him, ""well done! ataturk!""
"
"my friend ethan's a travelling god
who's hit ghana, dubai, and marad
 on a fellowship trip,
 which has caused him to quip,
""i'm a fellow, and yet i'm abroad.""
"
"there's a type of bird men used to hail
as a burden that meant you would fail.
it was called albatross,
but with bush senior's loss,
some have said that it should be the quayle.
"
"i like posing this question to folk:
""an egg's white is or are called the yolk?""
 then i laugh at their plight,
 because neither one's right.
it's albumin! i love that damn joke.
"
"a dyslexic agnostic from prague
used to wonder while out on a jog,
 ""is there someone above
  looking down? i'd sure love
to know whether there's really a dog.""
"
"if my new plan deserves abolition,
then to strive for its end's your ambition.
 in the past of our nation,
 it meant the cessation
of the unsavory slavery condition.
"
"my professor remarked with a glare,
""you've got ignorance, plenty to spare.
  or is apathy it?""
  i replied in a snit,
""i don't know, and what's more, i don't care.""
"
"the ascetic ideal? i employ it.
if a thing brings me joy, i destroy it.
 but i'm starting to fear
 there's a paradox here:
it's becoming quite clear i enjoy it!
"
"as a builder, i once dropped a girder,
which flattened a bystanding herder.
it was simply bad luck,
but his boss was a schmuck,
and he falsely accused me of murder.
"
"british (b.) racing (r.) motors (m.):
jo bonnier, graham hill drove for them.
'62 saw their thrill:
f1 world champion hill!
when he died, b.r.m. lost their gem.
"
"it was raining for many a day:
water rose, and a dam might give way.
so for all it was worth
we were shovelling earth,
filling earthbags to keep floods at bay.
"
"new mexican albert b. fall,
once a big noise, came out rather small,
when he couldn't quite handle
the teapot dome scandal.
he was tried and imprisoned. that's all.
"
"vp calvin coolidge succeeded
warren harding (a coffin he needed).
he was dubbed silent cal,
and he stopped the cabal
from ohio, a gang he got weeded.
"
"he drove races, won thirteen grands prix,
and a double world champion was he:
alberto ascari.
his car: a ferrari.
the years: fifty-two, fifty-three.
"
"the faintness of zachary's voice
had made none of his audience rejoice.
when the first nasty word
of harsh protest was heard,
he spoke up, having no other choice.
"
"a cherry is really a plum
(lat. prunus cerasus, my chum).
but it's round, and it's red,
and my grandmother said
she preferred it in jam or with rum.
"
"the writer e. clerihew bentley
wrote poems on chaps quite intently.
as clerihews they
are still with us today,
and not all of them treat these chaps gently.
"
"at the bistro they served me a trout
stuffed with black beans and smothered in kraut.
it was so unappealing
i got a sick feeling,
and bolted ? abruptly ran out.
"
"the algonquin's an indian tribe.
but the meaning to which i subscribe
 is ""algonquin round table,""
 a place where those able
told jokes and swapped many a jibe.
"
"steroid hormones aren't just for a dope hick,
they're produced by your glands to jump rope quick.
 and when something affects
 your adrenal cortex
then it's adrenocorticotropic.
"
"though some people just give it a pass,
argon's truly a most noble gas.
 third most common, i hear,
 in our whole atmosphere,
and fills lightbulbs inside of their glass.
"
"an avuncular fellow might be
your dad's brother. but on the tv,
 i would constantly stare
 at each week's new affair
with the man from u.n.c.l.e.
"
"'tween my hands there's no right/left disparity,
each can gamble and lose with celerity.
 i just don't understand it:
 this damned one-armed bandit
is beating my ambidexterity!
"
"if you've got an adjustable bed,
try adjusting the foot and the head.
 once adjusted, you'll find
 that it's comfy inclined,
and you'll sleep just as if you were dead!
"
"algorithm: a method that's good
to solve problems if anything could.
 al gore rhythm, however,
 is slightly less clever,
consisting of dancing like wood.
"
"sure, i tell folks i'm out for a wander,
but i'm really a fleeing absconder.
 my abscondment was needed:
 at poker i cheated,
and sheriffs are hunting me yonder.
"
"an acephalan beast has no head.
if acephal, most men would be dead.
 as would most cows or lambs,
 but it works well for clams,
bivalve molluscs where no head is bred.
"
"wordy essays i've got in a glut,
and my textbooks you'll never find shut.
 i view school as a church
 where i worship research;
i'm a damn academia nut.
"
"the young man told his story, all soggy:
""i'm the prince of the nation of boggy.
princess owes me a kiss!
well, perhaps i'm remiss.
i amphibian; i'm just a froggy.""
"
"after drinking a hot cup of coffee,
my dentist looked up. with a scoff, he
 said, ""your tooth is abscessed.
 now whatever possessed
you to trade in your toothpaste for toffee?""
"
"said the carpenter, southern in drawl,
""i've got pointers for hole-making, y'all:
 take this pointy device,
 poke the wood real nice,
and be sure that you give it your awl.""
"
"though a round of golf brings me elation,
my dear wife shops and shops, no cessation.
 i'll be hitting the links
 while she's trying on minks;
it's a case of severe bifurcation.
"
"a man full of hatred and spite
considered himself antiwhite.
he was antiblack too;
challenged anyone who
wasn't purple and blue to a fight.
"
"now atlantis, though many have thunk
it's a myth, was a city that sunk.
 there's atlantean lore
 that's been dug up before,
so ignore those who tell you it's bunk.
"
"i had ordered some borscht as a treat,
but the soup was just cabbage and meat.
 so i looked at their sign,
 which explained in one line:
""try our soup course; it just can't be beet!""
"
"aristotle, the peripatetic,
taught physics in writings prophetic.
 to explain nature's laws
 was the man's final cause,
though he also explored the poetic.
"
"why do people think weirdness a malady?
i am thankful for atypicality.
 it would be quite a shame
 if we all were the same;
i would die from the crushing banality.
"
"this new razor, the best yet created,
is quadruple-quintuple-steel-bladed.
 all its blades work like heck
 as you shave near your neck;
leaves it clean, though perhaps perforated.
"
"spock was dead. things were looking quite grim.
""what's the best-case scenario, jim?""
  ""well, at best,"" he replied,
  ""we'll escape, though spock's died,
and at worst, we'll all end up like him.""
"
"biconditional: this thing is true
if and only if that one is too.
  with this logic symbolic,
  you'll go out and frolic?
that's iff that sounds pleasant to you.
"
"the new book that i've written's best-selling!
now with money and pride i am swelling.
 it outsold all the rest,
 so it's clear i'm the best!
(well, at least in my head, where i'm dwelling.)
"
"i am curst by a tail i must tel:
my bewitchment is maeking liefe hell.
  an ohld witch laft in glee,
  pointid fingurs at me ?
now i'm undur a teribul spel!
"
"with no camouflage do you provide me
on my left, simply standing beside me.
 with your polka-dot shirt,
 you are hardly covert,
and besides, you're too skinny to hide me.
"
"well, my lawyering days are complete;
i've just beaten a hasty retreat.
  i'd gone beltless to court,
  and with naught to support
my big pants, they wound up at my feet.
"
"when a blowhard is talking, he'll share
his belief that he's great, so beware.
  when he boasts and he brags,
  conversation just drags
since he's blowing a lot of hot air.
"
"to bespatter's to spot, splash, or soil,
as occurs when some water you boil.
  now, the water won't hurt
  if it gets on your shirt,
but the same can't be said for hot oil.
"
"so, you're starting a catholic sect?
if you're looking for papal respect,
  you might want to rethink
  robes of fuchsia and pink
as the items in which you're bedecked.
"
"if you claim to support benefaction,
then your boasting is just a distraction.
 there's no ""charity show"";
 just go donate some dough,
for a word's not as loud as an action.
"
"no champagne at hand? don't shout or fret!
there's a substitute which you can get.
it's a sparkling dry wine
which is equally fine
and as tasty?its name is clairette.
"
"that car is an audi a4,
and it's blocking the path to my door.
now i'm utterly stuck
like a pig in the muck,
and i need to get down to the store.
"
"fred's car was an audi a6,
equipped with four racing-type ""slicks"".
he drove far too fast,
so he soon breathed his last?
no more route 66 tricks and kicks.
"
"anne's a devil by night, so they say!
no other has led me astray!
good job she is here!
ever hold me so dear!
love me now, mon amour tout parfait!
"
"there was an old rhymester named black,
who numerous times got the sack.
the whole of his purse
held bad and worse verse,
which formed an incredible stack.
"
"eric blair fought in spain's civil war
and came back to his home, sick and sore.
but he still rose to fame
as george orwell, the name
of the author of 1-9-8-4.
"
"though he knew that to take, took, and taken
neatly rhyme with to shake, shook, and shaken,
the term conjugation
drove hans to frustration,
and he wrote down to bake, book, and bacon.
"
"mother's sister, an actress called liz,
who staged a big show in the biz,
once was asked for a kiss.
auntie said, ""no, i'll miss,
though a charming proposal this is!""
"
"a concordance allows you to find
many words (which may come to your mind)
used by shakespeare or burke.
""to produce one is work.""
so says kevin [i.e., undersigned].
"
"last night, coming home very late
in her stately black audi a8,
my neighbour's wife hooted
until she was muted
by a stroke. now she lies there in state.
"
"christmas pageants for which i audition
may need props to help fuel my ambition.
 so to star as madonna
 (which i really wanna),
two traffic cones i requisition.
"
"when an eagle flies over the trees,
it's the whole open plain that he sees.
 for these high downward views,
 the word bird's-eye we use
(which is also a good brand of peas).
"
"an acknowledgement lets you give thanks,
thus acknowledging all of the ranks
 of the folks who resisted
 when most had insisted
that all who believed you were cranks.
"
"when an ancient decided to write
down a saying of wisdom and light,
 aphorism's the name
 if the saying's not lame.
(if it is, it's clich?, and quite trite.)
"
"artists always assign approbation
about amateur alliteration:
 auditory arrays
 arrange all allowed a's
and aspire at acquired admiration.
"
"i'm a maven of fashion design,
so my tops are the top of the line.
 this one shapes to entice.
 as for yours, corset's nice,
bodice not as revealing as mine.
"
"though my profs say i'm acting aversively,
they assure me they don't think the worse of me.
 it's no fault of my own
 that i've never been shown
the appropriate way to write cursively.
"
"i did not get the email you sent,
and i have no idea where it went ?
 an unpleasant surprise.
 in the aether it lies,
which is space of unending extent.
"
"bentham's principle resonates still?
act to make the world's happy cups fill:
 bring more pleasure to man.
 this utility plan,
much like grist, was refined by the mill.
"
"""russian winter?"" i asked of the oracle,
""what is meant by these battles historical?""
 she of delphi spoke back,
 ""it means this: don't attack
when it's cold! this is not allegorical.""
"
"aquiculture means plants don't have land,
but in water with minerals stand,
 while the big aquacade
 is a cleveland parade ?
aqua culture ohio has planned.
"
"what's the substance that floats everywhere
in the space where there's nothing else there?
we thought phlogiston once,
but unless you're a dunce,
you now know what we breathe is called air.
"
"alabaster's a stone i can't master;
this new sculpture of mine's a disaster.
 i botched carving the chunk,
 then gave up and got drunk.
my solution: get both of us plastered.
"
"my pet rodent is nobody's fool.
he's a wizard with thread and a spool.
 on the spool, he'll sit low
 as he finds things to sew.
yes, it's ratman and bobbin, how cool!
"
"ancient weapons are dear to my heart,
like this arquebus (old guns look smart),
 or the good old atlatl
 (with stops that are glottal),
a stick that can throw a long dart.
"
"my bewilderment's nearly complete:
did you say that there's nothing to eat?
  there's a fridge full of food,
  and these cans of beans. dude,
get a clue, all you do is add heat.
"
"if you're wet, it's because of the rain.
if i wince, it's because of my pain.
  and if anxious i act,
  it's because of the fact
that i've just flushed your fish down the drain.
"
"i begirded myself head to toe,
making ready to battle my foe.
 but though i'm protected,
 i hadn't expected
this armor would make me so slow!
"
"see that blowgun that's hung on the railing?
it's a danger; beware self-impaling.
 my poor cousin art
 aimed a poison-tipped dart,
and then died shortly after inhaling.
"
"""if the government irks you,"" i quip,
""why not run for an aldermanship?
  the aldermen's council
  you verbally trounce'll
be glad to return all your lip.""
"
"time for beltane; to odd gods we pray.
let the bonfires burn! oh, hooray!
 though my rough fellow celts
 have me covered with welts,
so i'm crying out, ""may day! may day!""
"
"with my beggarly life in the slum,
i subsist on old bread and used gum.
 yet i donate at church,
 lest my name they besmirch
(even though it's a beggarly sum).
"
"they say music becalms any beast,
but the saying's not true in the least.
 this is proved by my dad:
 while i'm playing, he's mad,
and he's only content once i've ceased.
"
"when you beautify part of the city,
you're attempting to make it more pretty.
 hide all buildings unclean
 where they cannot be seen,
and pretend that there's no nitty-gritty.
"
"many frenchmen will sport a beret,
a small cap that looks trendy and gay.
  don't pronounce it ""barrette"",
  or they'll call you ""tr?s b?te"",
for in french, the -e-t's pronounced ""ay"".
"
"since the party was boring, i ran,
and enacted my sly backup plan.
  i just faked a small cough;
  said, ""i have to beg off,
as i'm not feeling well. sorry, man.""
"
"though a blessing is god's benediction,
we say ""bless you!"" for sneezing affliction.
 what your nose may have stored
 has been blessed by the lord,
which to me is an odd contradiction.
"
"if you're going for lunch at a deli
and the liverwurst's simply too smelly,
 don't just sit there and wince.
 why not order a blintz?
they come filled with a cheese or fruit jelly.
"
"why must every nativity scene
be festooned with a bright red and green?
i'd prefer something bluish.
hey, jesus was jewish,
so he would know just what i mean.
"
"yes, i've got lots of clothes in my house,
but i can't tell a shirt from a blouse.
 i'm a guy; i don't care
 what a woman might wear.
you'd be better off asking my spouse.
"
"if you think that acidic food's scary,
then be wary, avoid acetary.
it's acidic, that pulp,
so if such you can't gulp,
then you're better off sticking with dairy.
"
"richard begs me, ""come on, what's your trick
to avoid being airsick?"" ""well, rick,
 it's a cinch,"" i reply,
 ""take a train and don't fly;
it's less bumpy (though also less quick).""
"
"if you go archipelago hopping,
you really should think about stopping
 when the whole island chain
 is bombarded by rain
and you see the barometer dropping.
"
"to abort means cut short, which is why
for a fetus or plan, it means die.
 but if that's what you see
 as you curse your pc,
it most likely precedes ""fail, retry?""
"
"though blood brotherhood causes me strife
when we each cut our hands with a knife,
 once we press them together,
 no matter the weather,
we're friends and blood brothers for life.
"
"in benin, it's the name of a clan;
aja's also a tongue of sudan,
 and a yoruba spirit,
 and if you can hear it,
an album from old steely dan.
"
"at a bar on the western frontier,
a young termite had wanted a beer.
 he had been on a search
 for a taste of the birch,
so he asked, ""is the bartender here?""
"
"some think verse rules are strict, but i bend 'em.
i love limericks odd, and defend 'em.
 sure, in general you'll find
 that these rhymes are five-lined,
but in this case i'll add an addendum.

(they help supplement things, and can mend 'em.)
"
"it's the part that we sit on, in grass,
or a mule that might court a young lass.
 you have kids? then you've taught 'em
 to call it a bottom,
but frankly, the right word is ass.
"
"ever since england's church had a schism,
they have faced much sectarianism.
 but for me that won't fly,
 so i practice anti-
disestablishmentarianism.
"
"it is hard that a parent may leave you,
as the loss of their life may bereave you.
 it is terribly sad
 to lose mother or dad,
because they were the ones to conceive you.
"
"in avenging a horrible deed,
please take vengeance no more than you need.
 for the deeds that you do
 may beget revenge too,
so let kindness and peace be your creed.
"
"though this ad says ""you've won a free* cake!"",
it's too good to be true and not fake,
 since that little star there
 stands for ""buyer, beware!""
with these ads, asterisk that you take.
"
"indiana, the famed archaeologist,
was approached by a nazi apologist,
 who explained, ""dr. jones,
 i do not want your bones.
they're too young; i'm a paleontologist.""
"
"amniotic's the fluid (not jelly)
that surrounds the small life in your belly.
 when the baby is near,
 then the water bursts clear
and you hope that it isn't too smelly.
"
"watch the undergrowth as you walk through it,
and you might catch a glimpse of a bluet:
 tufted stem, bluish flower.
 for men mad for power,
this plant's even madder. who knew it?
"
"the obsession with breasts in our nation
leads some gals to seek augmentation.
 i guess they must figger
 that making 'em bigger
is bound to increase compensation.
"
"james bond was a smooth british spy,
and smooth drinks agitative he'd buy.
his martini preferred
was one shaken, not stirred.
(mine's the same, but with olive, and dry.)
"
"in my rhyming i rarely speak tersely,
which can cause those who listen to curse me.
 on their chairs i put tape,
 so they cannot escape;
you could say that they listen aversely.
"
"a blockade-runner's got to be swift,
slipping through every naval wall's rift.
 their blockade they won't lift
 since they're miffed at our grift,
so let's shift through the waves. get my drift?
"
"aboriginal folk from australia
will be perfectly glad to regale ya
with the riddles they share.
call them ""abos""? don't dare;
if you use that rude slang, you're a failure.
"
"once, biweekly meant every two weeks,
but some writers misused it; those geeks
 caused the meaning to soften
 to four times as often.
alas, how our poor language leaks.
"
"she encountered a cowardly lion,
and accouraged him, ""stop all that cryin'.""
 yet discouraged by fears,
 he could not stop his tears.
lacking courage, he said, ""hey, i'm tryin'!""
"
"as an upper-class gent of my station,
i think fighting deserves condemnation.
 but should scoundrels and toughs
 merit rough fisticuffs,
then i call it ""a small altercation"".
"
"a backbreaker's not for the weak,
but for wrestlers with manly physique,
 like when hulk hogan's spine
 is bent back to align
with the knee of the great iron sheik.
"
"if you think no disorder could faze ya,
let me tell you of achondroplasia.
 all your cartilage? bone.
 all your limbs? not full grown,
and the dwarfism's sure to amaze ya.
"
"when the beautification was through,
the dead bishop was pleasant to view.
 yet i said to the priest
 who had liked him the least,
""he'd be blessed if it wasn't for u.""
"
"a young anarchist mister'd insist
that the government shouldn't exist.
 yet if medical care
 and paved roads were not there,
i imagine that he would be pissed.
"
"if a thing will occur before long,
that means soon. if i'm singing a song,
 before long (you can bet)
 there'll be someone upset,
whose loud gong will be proof i've done wrong.
"
"an abuser partakes in abusion,
which should not create any confusion.
 with the rules, he plays loose,
 and gives evil abuse
whether dealt out by words or contusion.
"
"the new girl at the science facility
had fomented much amicability.
 all the men acted kind
 in the hopes they could find,
with precision refined, her fertility.
"
"for ten years i have been on a quest
to prove lim'ricks are poetry's best;
 there's just no better rhyme
 (as i shout all the time).
i'm a limericist anapest.
"
"an allergic young woman named sonya
found that flowers had caused her pneumonia.
 bring her not a bouquet,
 or she'll angrily say,
""go away! now be gone, you begonia!""
"
"if two men can't agree and make peace,
then their argument won't ever cease.
 but i've heard an ovation
 for argumentation
when given by python's john cleese.
"
"would someone please call for a medic?
i'd appreciate strong anesthetic;
 it would help numb the pain
 that now shoots through my brain,
since my dismount was less than athletic.
"
"of all poetry, limericks are best.
soft-soft-loud is how beats should be stressed.
 there is nothing that's neater
 than crafting a meter
that passes the anapest test.
"
"ambidextrousness really is grand,
since i'm able to use either hand.
 ambidextrously, i
 juggle footballs, a pie,
and a flaming dude-ranch cattle brand.
"
"as the voting routine was explained,
at my sides both my hands still remained.
 i could not raise one yet
 due to underarm sweat,
so i sat there and simply abstained.
"
"amyotrophy means that your tissue
is facing a serious issue.
 all your musculature
 needs to find a good cure,
lest it all waste away; then we'd miss you.
"
"i was auctioning off my first kid,
so i sold to the highest-price bid.
 and these contests of spunk
 make folks buy useless junk ?
which i'm frankly quite thankful they did.
"
"all those blonde jokes i think are just mean.
light-haired women can still be quite keen.
 for example, take me:
 i just bought a degree,
and i know four times three makes thirteen.
"
"i would think in most poets you'll find
an acute aberrational mind.
 from the pack they diverge,
 since they've all got the urge
to take license with what they have rhymed.
"
"an adjournment is what you have earned
after meetings where days have been burned.
  but adjourning's most fun
  for a judge. when he's done
he announces, ""this court is adjourned!""
"
"in a large abyssinian city
lived its people ? some pretty, some gritty.
ethiopia came
as that region's new name;
abyssinian's now just a kitty.
"
"you're a hatfield? well, i'm a mccoy!
guess you're someone i'll have to destroy.
 there's a blood feud, young man,
 'twixt your folks and my clan,
so it's murder and hate i'll employ.
"
"wasted evenings: a common affliction.
ambition can place no restriction
 on how i spend time.
 i should work and not rhyme,
but too late; now this site's my addiction.
"
"acl is a part of the knee.
why's this ligament well known to me?
well, my poor injured dad
hurt his cruciate bad,
had anterior knee surgery.
"
"as a month, it helps open the spring,
proving time marches on ? no small thing.
rains will commonly fall
in this time when we all
look to what next month's climate may bring.
"
"an arboreal monkey agrees
that there's nothing as lovely as trees,
 as did kilmer (you know him),
 who wrote that no poem
can do more than nature to please.
"
"you were born years ago on this day,
with some parts you don't often display.
 so i bought a machine
 that can help keep them clean,
and it's all for you ? happy bidet!
"
"in the berkshires i choose to abide,
not in england's renowned countryside,
  but on new england's tract ?
  massachusetts, in fact.
it's a glorious place to reside.
"
"it's potentially worth abdicating
when your popular mandate's abating.
if you cling to your throne,
as by french kings is known,
you'll be headed for decapitating.
"
"""attributional al"" was his name.
he'd list reasons we lost every game:
 ""my equipment's too tight!""
 or ""the sun was too bright!""
but we never heard, ""i am to blame.""
"
"there's no need for this shock and dismay;
i do love you, but not in that way.
 though your jaw's still agape,
 my love's not sex (or rape),
but spiritual love ? agape.
"
"abase once meant ""bring to the floor"",
but that meaning's not used anymore.
 when abased, just stand tall,
 though your face will still fall,
as your rank and esteem become poor.
"
"although some folks are physically fit,
i lack muscles; this fact i'll admit.
 but when co-workers name me
 as ""amyous amy"",
it bothers me just a wee bit.
"
"bimillennial comets appear
only once every two-thousandth year.
 if you don't take a glance
 then you've missed your one chance,
so watch out as the due date draws near.
"
"the beat movement's now coming back
with the beatniks who read kerouac.
they don't clap, they just snap.
they like ginsberg, not rap,
since they think rhyming metered poetry is ""strictly dullsville.""
"
"as a french-speaking person would know,
a remark full of wit's a bon mot.
 it's certainly not
 pronounced as ""bon mot"";
the good word on speech tells us so.
"
"round the fire, as smoke rose in a billow,
i said, ""someone's run off with my pillow,
 it was rounded and hard.""
 bob, who'd taken first guard,
said, ""it left; 'twas a young armadillo.""
"
"ice cream sundaes will brighten your day,
while a spotlight helps brighten a play.
 if you're travel-inclined,
 south of london you'll find
a nice borough called brighton to stay.
"
"help me brainstorm; i need a good rhyme,
and i'll need it in just three lines' time.
 chime, lime, mime, crime, grime, slime,
 climb, dime, primetime, sublime.
good suggestions... i think i'll use orange.
"
"at the bar, many beers we all _______,
which we bought with a check from my _______.
i was handed a pen,
signed my full name, and then
told the barkeep to fill in the ________.
"
"if you yearn for a daughter or son,
copulation could yield either one.
 don't like sex? then adoption
 is also an option,
but frankly, it's not as much fun.
"
"we're besieging the king, that old goat,
with our catapults right at his throat.
  and i'm sure we'll engender
  a speedy surrender
if we can get over that moat.
"
"that the bleep was invented's good luck;
it's quite useful when censors are stuck.
 any word they don't like
 can just go take a hike,
so your virgin ears never hear [bleep].
"
"need a gift to help start a romance?
try a bonbon, a candy from france.
 but it tastes so goodgood,
 it's unlikely you could
give away what you'd eat at first chance.
"
"an anomaly doesn't conform.
an aberrance is far from the norm.
if there's something too cool
to conform to the rule,
using either word means that you're warm.
"
"i could see it from right where i stood,
cute and furry, oft thought of as good.
it's the beaver by name,
which is often to blame
for a massive collection of wood.
"
"to ameliorate what's begun,
make it better, and make it more fun.
an italian, my friend,
scored me eight out of ten.
yes, amelio rated this pun.
"
"benthamism is thus understood:
""act as so to create the most good.
 avoid causing man pain.
 try to seek greatest gain
in our happiness."" maybe we should.
"
"if i say, ""blasted landscapes i've seen,""
there are three different things i could mean:
 that explosives exploded,
 land's bare and eroded,
or madly i curse lack of green.
"
"my disease is avitaminotic,
which is not, as it sounds, so exotic.
 yes, i cough and i hack
 from a vitamin lack,
since i'm fleshy and weak, not robotic.
"
"when a one-armed man served as my waiter,
i inquired, ""who was your amputator?
 the cut's clean through the bones;
 did you see doctor jones?""
he said, ""no, i was caught by a gator.""
"
"a blackbird's a thrush on the run,
a small bird you might shoot with your gun.
 but you might be concerned
 if the tables have turned
and you flee sr-71!
"
"of my bloodline i'm proud. my blood quickens
when my pedigree's questioned. it sickens,
 because i am pure kestrel;
 my parents ancestral
were falcons. now piss off, you chickens.
"
"the ballet is an odd type of dance,
where the dancers will leap, twirl, and prance.
 when i'm at the ballet,
 i am likely to say,
""do the men have to wear such tight pants?""
"
"we had stopped off to buy lemonade,
but my friends grabbed the drinks once i'd paid.
tray in hand, i was left
of refreshment bereft;
quite un-aded, though i was betrayed.
"
"notre dame had a hunchback who fell
to the ground with a sickening yell.
 the state coroner said
 upon finding him dead,
""quasimodo... the name rings a bell.""
"
"what's the favorite pose of a bimbo?
here's a clue: it's not doing the limbo.
 with both hands on her hips,
 and her full pouty lips,
i'm not watching her arms, though akimbo.
"
"said bernoulli, ""when fluid's released,
pressure drops when the speed is increased.""
  said his friend, ""if that's true,
  then i say: 'good for you.'
but it matters to me not the least.""
"
"dirt and dust by your nose hairs is caught,
and then once they've collected a lot,
 if it forms solid mass,
 it's a booger. alas,
if it's liquid and runs, then it's not.
"
"to learn israel's history tribal,
there is no better book than the bible.
 it has tales so extreme,
 egypt's top legal team
may be suing the authors for libel.
"
"what is bearbaiting? have a bear chained,
loose attack dogs (who aren't so restrained)
 to go fight with the bear.
 if they die, you don't care:
either way, the ground's bloody and stained.
"
"for groucho, one dame wouldn't do,
so he thought he'd try marrying two.
  ""but that's bigamy, sir!""
  he was quick to concur,
and replied, ""yes, it's big of me too.""
"
"ever since i was just two feet tall,
i have dreamt about playing pro ball.
 i can't quite have my dream,
 but i'm still on the team;
i'll be benchwarmer starting next fall!
"
"in your tissues, you hope won't exist
any sort of acephalocyst.
it's the globular germ
of a larval tapeworm;
when it grows, you are bound to be pissed.
"
"my archenemy's no man like stalin
but, because of my allergies, pollen.
 it gets caught in the breeze,
 and i cough and i sneeze;
how i wish that that arch would be fallen.
"
"if i'm too apathetic, then i'm
unresponsive for most of the time.
 when there's work to prepare,
 i just stare and don't care;
i'm indifferent.

?but not with my rhyme!
"
"i'm just back from my adenoidectomy,
which is oft done with ? ouch! ? tonsillectomy.
  doctors promised no pain,
  but i think they're insane;
having cuts in my throat hurt like heck to me.
"
"animation means ""bringing to life"".
in the world of cartoons, this is rife.
 but beware my friend tom, he's
 a lover of zombies
and animates ghouls to cause strife.
"
"in my youth, i aspired to be wealthy,
but today i'd be happy with healthy.
though i once hoped for dough,
life's worth more, i now know,
since i'm no longer spry, swift, or stealthy.
"
"if you're borderline, your personality
may lead you to seek your fatality.
with your agony great,
bpd's a rough fate,
though you still have some grip on reality.
"
"though receiving a standing ovation,
the actor was bored with his station.
when you're so highly rated,
you get acclimated
to all the accrued acclamation.
"
"she found bob's peccadillos quite grating,
such as loud open-jawed masticating.
having viewed chewed-up food,
she construed it as rude,
and her patience was quickly abating.
"
"if my constant bad punning offends,
i'll aby so that we can stay friends.
 i will gladly endure
 this ordeal as the cure,
and aby you a drink as amends.
"
"i sent disney this recommendation:
give aladdin some arabization!
(arab culture?and face!)
given where this takes place,
the boy does look a bit too caucasian.
"
"our kind hostess was apologetic.
she said, ""sorry, i'll call for a medic.""
 after three pecan pies,
 she could quickly surmise
that her guests were a bit diabetic.
"
"my fiancee's a reference librarian
who delights in things abecedarian.
 our love's alphabetized,
 so i'm hardly surprised
how to hug is the volume she's carryin'.
"
"adhd means you've a proclivity
for disorders of hyperactivity.
your attention will race
just all over the place.
there's a deficit of productivity.
"
"mother's sister is frequently pissed.
she insults me and snatches my wrist.
since it's she starts the fight,
i would think it's all right
that i call her my aunt-agonist.
"
"though asparagus tastes pretty keen,
there's asparagine in it unseen.
and this acid, you see,
will add smell to your pee,
and it might also make it turn green.
"
"the aversiveness strongly possessed
by my smelly socks makes me feel blessed.
 if i want time alone
 i just let them be shown,
and voil?! no more unwanted guest.
"
"classed acanthisittidae then,
these tiny birds (wrongly called ""wren"")
are xenicidae now.
watch one hop on a bough
in new zealand, 'less cats strike again.
"
"when i blurted out, ""you're such a flirt!""
i was curt and did not intend hurt.
my impulsive review
was not insult, just true.
after all, that's a very short skirt.
"
"as ebonics takes over our nation,
i release a great sigh of frustration.
 it's a sign that our schools
 have swapped scholars for fools;
it bespeaks a befouled education.
"
"accite is a verb obsolete.
it means ""summon,"" and hence to entreat
 folks to come to your side.
 but this word has since died,
just accited to make this complete.
"
"hey, i warned you i'm not great at racing,
so there's no need for all this abasing.
 spare my name, steal my purse.
 next time i'll use reverse
when the edge of a cliff's what we're facing.
"
"i have cable, though not hbo,
so i missed friday night's boxing show.
 but i called my friend zeke,
 who's a big boxing freak,
and he gave me the whole blow-by-blow.
"
"when adopting a baby named chad,
you became his new mother, or dad.
 but adopting a plan
 simply means you began
to enact it, which isn't so bad.
"
"what? an agoraphobe? no, not me;
it's not all open spaces i flee.
 since i only lack peace
 in the markets of greece,
it's an agora-phobe i must be.
"
"from all homeopathics i flee;
only allopath doctors i'll see.
the disease and the cure,
i am totally sure,
shouldn't cause the same symptoms in me.
"
"alas! i can't tell if my progeny
will suffer the stings of misogyny.
 is that thing girl or guy?
 the name ""pat"" won't supply
any answers?the curse of androgyny.
"
"jack (of beanstalk fame) silently quaked,
hoping snores that he heard were not faked.
 for his life was reliant
 on hopes that the giant
had not quite already awaked.
"
"for a mapped human genome mosaic,
we'll need formulas writ algebraic.
 one can hardly be placid
 while adding up acid
that's deoxyribonucleic.
"
"there once was a frog in a bog
who was handy with wood and a cog.
he said, ""digital clock?
lcd i just mock;
all i need is a watch, analog.""
"
"you'd assassinate somebody? jeesh!
that's a whole lot of rage you'd unleash.
 and besides, have you heard
 that the root of that word
was when people would kill for hashish?
"
"if you blooded the seat with your butt,
then you stained it with blood from your cut.
 but a full-blooded setter
 is purebred, much better
than any old mongrel or mutt.
"
"an acquaintanceship means that you've met,
but you're not quite a friend of hers yet.
 if you try your acquainting
 while doing nude painting,
you'll know her in no time, i'd bet.
"
"at a bar called ""kentucky's last race"",
a brown thoroughbred entered the place.
 so the barkeep supplied
 four cold beers, and then sighed,
""not to nag, ed, but why the long face?""
"
"put a neck and some strings on a drum,
and your banjo is ready to strum
with a pick, or a couple?
or, if you are supple,
try using two fingers and thumb.
"
"my tennis coach, ending my dream
of securing a place on the team,
said, ""your backhand is fine,
but returns down the line
should, beforehand, build up greater steam.""
"
"the tale of a cleric who cowers
before the episcopal powers,
where wives pack a wallop?
a dollop of trollope
is tasty. read barchester towers.
"
"his attractions were almost unlistable;
he misted all eyes that were mistable.
was it elvis's sound?
could have been; or they found
his abdominal pulse irresistible.
"
"are you having a bout of the blues?
seeing life through miasmas of booze?
don't give up, don't go felo-
de-se; find your halo!
aura therapy's what you can use.
"
"the britannic queen boadicea
had secret ambitions to be a
grand diva?the rage
of the opera stage?
""but your majesty! just the idea!""
"
"a young barman, who meant no offence,
had a way of predicting events,
or perhaps, to suggest
how the day might end best:
he would call out, ""now ladies please gents!""
"
"of nefarious doings i tell:
alexander (the great) graham bell
simply took, without mention,
meucci's invention,
his fame, and his fortune as well.
"
"some furnish their dwelling-place grandly,
while others make do second-handly.
there are those who find mine
more eccentric than fine,
but i never could decorate blandly.
"
"absolutism killed charles the first.
absolution denied, he was cursed
with a permanent bob
by the barbarous mob.
a bad hair day? the absolute worst.
"
"that top doesn't suit you, my dear;
it isn't appropriate here.
i couldn't care whether
it's made of french leather,
it just looks decidedly cuir.
"
"i once knew a dentist named keith;
we met at an art class in leith.
""it's amazing,"" he sighed,
""a whole world's opened wide;
up to this, i drew nothing but teeth.""
"
"mr bach, you may name your own price
if the music you write will suffice
to put boredom to flight
through the long hours of night,
as an antineuritic device.
"
"at the sink, with a sudden increase of
annoyance, i asked why a piece of
tea leaf must adhere
to the strainer? my dear
wife replied: ""that's because it's a tea sieve.""
"
"barley-broo, also called barley-bree,
is the stuff for a scot on a spree.
named as whisky, a malt
must be scotch by default;
irish whiskey is spelt with an e.
"
"i thought that our courtship was grand
when she gave me the back of her hand;
i stooped to caress it,
but, to my distress, it
had turned to a fist. wedding banned.
"
"when my father confided to me,
""you're as bad as your daddy,"" did he
really mean to imply
criticism thereby,
or salute me appreciatively?
"
"out shopping today for my daughter,
acetic anhydride i bought her.
but she turned up her nose
at the product i chose:
instant vinegar?simply add water.
"
"the archchancellor said with a frown,
""this old empire is on its way down.
take my court secretaries.
their insolence varies:
the ones i don't hang, i could drown.""
"
"we try every means in our power
to predict the next year, the next hour;
but how do you fancy
some aleuromancy
(divining by oatmeal or flour)?
"
"this popular black china tea
takes its name from the hills of wu-i.
like to try a wee sup?
don't be shy, come on up
and i'll ply you with cups of bohea.
"
"acts of tenderness go a long way;
try a little, the songwriters say.
though happily wedded,
your acting pig-headed
could send her affections astray.
"
"the baryton looks like a riddle:
bass offspring of zither and fiddle.
it won some support
in the esterhaz' court,
with the music of haydn and lidl.
"
"to be or, perchance, not to be
was the question, he thought?more fool he!
for, though hamlet's a figment,
his fame (mighty big) meant
he's sure to outlive you and me.
"
"an eye for an eye was the way
of revenge in rough justice's day;
but now we forgive
and let wrongdoers live,
with a healthier forfeit to pay.
"
"we are born with a sorrowful cry;
we're borne off, to laments, when we die.
then our souls, say the seers,
leave this valley of tears
for the ultimate bourne, by and by.
"
"to advance your own party or horde,
there's a practice that can't be ignored:
manipulate mystery
to falsify history?
as frequently done as deplored.
"
"a bad choice: dull ed fudd's greatest hero
is judge kill-'em-all, law's modern nero.
oh, prepare quips, repelling
such tyrants' upswelling:
""vile, warped, xenophobic?you're zero.""
"
"should an actress who's totally stacked
use her assets to try to distract,
or more primly, perhaps,
keep them well under wraps,
and rely on her talent to act?
"
"we can tell whence the hamburger came,
and the frankfurter?all in the name.
but my search through the map's
unsuccessful; perhaps
there's no city called beefburg? a shame.
"
"his prize-winning opera brings
this composer less kudos than slings.
he's famous for one ditty
steeped in profundity:
barber's adagio for strings.
"
"a dog, without pause or deflection,
will solve any maze to perfection.
one sniff, and he legs it
direct to the exit?
amazing, the scents of direction.
"
"i'm arranging an auto-da-f?
for our wedding?a splendid display.
while the heretics roast
we'll enjoy our own toast:
many happy returns of the day.
"
"if your life's an adventurous story, it
may raise you to honour and glory; yet
for true elevation,
pursue education.
begin with a good baccalaureate.
"
"one endeavours to draw a fine line,
and avoid taking sides, to define
any word that alludes
to entrenched attitudes,
but in this case i simply decline.
"
"charlemagne had a nervous archminister
whose staff found him sullen and sinister;
his mood was improved
when he had them removed
and their jobs relocated to finist?re.
"
"once, to use the word negro was quite
democratic, correct, and polite;
but the people so named
can in no way be blamed?
to become anti-negro's their right.
"
"may they fall down a bottomless chasm!
may their pain be perpetual spasm!
may they dangle from hooks,
all destroyers of books?
they are guilty of biblioclasm!
"
"wyatt earp met the kid on the run.
said billy, ""earp, go for your gun!""
wyatt backed away gently,
which means, evidently,
he lost; but in my book he won.
"
"an antiship missile's a shocker
to silence the heartiest mocker.
its impact is sudden
and sends your crew scuddin'
deep fathoms to davy jones' locker.
"
"a bumblebee entered my netting
and couldn't escape. it was fretting
and buzzing about
as it tried to get out,
and its frenzy was strangely upsetting.
"
"i'm afraid it will take quite a while
to regain my benevolent smile.
i am easily narked,
and my conduct is marked
by dyspepsia, rancour, and bile.
"
"there's room for a dozen of us
in my automobile, with no fuss.
a stretch limo, you say?
you could put it that way
if you like; i just call it a bus.
"
"an audience knows what it's after:
release?lachrymose, or in laughter.
when a hit has been scored,
hearty bravos reward
both the cast and the show's cunning crafter.
"
"i claim authorship here on the spot,
having all of this limerick begot.
in authority's state
i might carry more weight,
but authoritativeness i've not.
"
"though x-rays inspire my revulsion,
some find them a source of compulsion.
autoradiography
maps the geography
of radiant things on emulsion.
"
"some artists are famously hard
to approach?easy access is barred?
but the soft-spoken man
in the railway guard's van
wouldn't claim to be so avant-garde.
"
"if fender's the name on the label,
your ax is a weapon of fable.
the esquires, broadcasters
and teles were blasters,
but strats were the tops from that stable.
"
"few pleasures are simpler or better
than reading a filial letter.
will shakespeare wrote one
as a dutiful son
to his father, ""the onlie begetter.""
"
"the archlute was noble and toney;
the theorbo (in rome, chitarrone)
was just as well-bred,
though the same can't be said
for the commoner, base colascione.
"
"now you're caught, you contemptible cad!
apprehended red-handed, my lad!
your outrageous behaviour
proclaims you a knave?you're
a beast, you're a bounder, you're bad.
"
"a chemist down under said ""hi!
here's an eosin styne that'll stye:
acid red 91?
it won't chynge, fyde, or run!
87's another . . . good dye!""
"
"when beckett was over the hill
his wit made the odd stirrings still.
he held 'less is more'
for a truth, but his score
never changed?questions: one, answers: nil.
"
"in olden days, he who would sing
in the tavern some trifling thing
could embellish his songs
with the bellows and tongs,
or the bumbass or bladder and string.
"
"all my life, i have not understood
how to tell a bum deal from a good.
with each scheme i devise
i get stars in my eyes
and say, ""this couldn't fail!""?but it could.
"
"my threshold for boredom is low.
if a speech is long-winded or slow
it may spark a response
that not everyone wants,
namely, fill me with get-up-and-go.
"
"where legal enforcement is slim,
an armed band may rob you. less grim
are these aids to natation:
buoyed up by inflation,
good arm bands can help you to swim.
"
"as we reach the extent of our age,
should we burn? not go gentle, but rage?
or should we instead
take this chapter as read
and turn over the welcoming page?
"
"when i'm typing, for instance, these rhymes,
i use bold and italic as mimes.
they are faces i pull;
oh, my cases are full
of fresh slants to enliven dull times.
"
"a buttercup under my chin
reflects yellow; my daughter chimes in,
""there's the proof you like butter!""
""who doesn't?"" i mutter
while flashing my cheesiest grin.
"
"in heaven, the fearsome st helier
is archbutler, or chef des sommeliers.
spirits less than first-rate
he consigns to their fate:
an eternal flamb? in the cellier.
"
"aleurites, the candlenut tree,
is quite useful in asia (se).
its produce will garnish
your woodwork with varnish,
or light up your room, so you see.
"
"evasion of tax is a crime,
while avoidance is fine anytime.
when we're not really sure
if we're guilty or pure,
that's avoision, with odours of slime.
"
"isaac newton abandoned his leisure
to seek alchemistical pleasure;
he wanted to own
the philosopher's stone,
the elixir of life, and such treasure.
"
"there once was a tortoise who thought,
though athletically challenged, he ought
to compete with a hare.
as the hare was an air-
head, the tortoise achieved what he sought.
"
"b. honeydew (callous old geek, or
high-minded, objective truth-seeker?)
would mix up a brew
of regurgitant hue
and observe its effects in a beaker.
"
"i once knew a woman named tiffany
who silently suffered baryphony.
her best action yet
was to go on the net:
in her own words, she had an epiphany.
"
"all blackmailers, modern and olden,
keep victims abjectly beholden
for goods they have tendered,
or services rendered,
but, most of all, silences golden.
"
"staying sober for lent's hard to take,
but st patrick's day gives us a break.
though the date's antepaschal,
old paddy, the rascal,
has pulled a few strings for our sake.
"
"i beg you, don't fill up that glass for me!
that wouldn't be kindness, alas, for me.
if i take too much drink
cheery banter will sink
to abuse, imprecations, and blasphemy.
"
"the bible's a choice compilation
of tales for our edification.
our lessons begin
with original sin,
and progress to eternal damnation.
"
"each year, on midwinter's arrival,
we lay on a feast adjectival:
in happy and merry
our darkness we bury
and gratefully toast our survival.
"
"it takes plenty of tact, this profession;
see them finish a hard drinker's session.
with art in a bender
the ending is tender?
that makes an enormous impression.
"
"a word and the thing that it shows
are related?but how? no one knows.
primal fact, or convention?
such bones of contention
have had people coming to blows.
"
"muscle in when your rival carouses,
run after prohibited spouses?
just count me out, romeo,
i've gotta go. me oh
my, plague on both of your houses!
"
"at the cromwell in barnaby gate,
a pet donkey stole food from my plate.
""dinner fit for a king!""
i declared?the best thing
that hotelier's ass ever ate.
"
"mercutio suffered a stroke
from a capulet weapon, poor bloke.
""ask tomorrow, you'll find
me a grave man,"" he whined,
bowing out on a terrible joke.
"
"a viola looks naked without
any purfling adorning each bout.
front and back are inlaid
both for looks, and to aid
inhibition of splitting, no doubt.
"
"the crop of the oak tree is stunning.
though the yield's seldom good two years running,
the tree is splendiferous,
strong, balaniferous?
a corny occasion for punning.
"
"there was a young fellow from limerick,
who said to a cross-channel swimmer, ""ich
bin irlander. du?""
""qu'est-ce tu dis? tu es fou?""
(yes, his german appearance was chim?rique.)
"
"i connected air travel with danger
till i went to the head-rearranger.
now i'll climb in a box
and, strapped down, under locks,
put my life in the hands of a stranger.
"
"stalactites are attached at the top;
stalagmites grow up tall, drop by drop.
""when the mites go up thick,
then the tights come down quick""?
this mnemonic i learnt from my pop.
"
"though the absence of bodily cavity
would for us be of terminal gravity,
observe, for acelom,
these flatworms. just peel 'em?
or not. if you'd rather, let's have a tea.
"
"a sheep is a fool you can fleece;
saucy monkeys are hard to police;
from a horse you may get
a well-trained pirouette,
but you can't match a goat for caprice.
"
"though affairs have become catastrophic
my manner remains philosophic;
when the going gets tough
i display the right stuff,
just as long as i've plenty to quaff (hic).
"
"it is simply a falsehood to claim
an agnostic's commitment is lame.
on the question of gods
he refuses all odds:
""i know nothing, and you know the same.""
"
"when the flagship was sunk in a squall,
death united the great and the small.
their distinctions were purged
as each head was submerged?
in the end, one capsize did for all.
"
"euripides told aristophanes,
""my chorus declaims in homophonies
the orchestra backs
with appropriate tracks:
merrie melodies, tragic cacophonies.""
"
"""i smell, mr speaker, a rat!
see him form in the air""?like a bat?
""see him darken the skies,
but""?before he can rise?
""he'll be nipped in the bud!""?and that's flat.
"
"your painting just drives me ballistic;
it's atrocious, uncouth, atavistic.
that's it: i'm revoking
your licence! i'm choking
with outrage?you call that artistic?
"
"it's not often an elf is struck dumb;
they are rarely wrong-footed or glum.
but was legolas centred
when durin's bane entered?
nope. ""aiee! a balrog is come!""
"
"for fine baldachin, princes went mad;
they'd no cred unless baldaquin-clad.
scintillating brocade,
silk and gold, it was made
(baldacchino reveals) in baghdad.
"
"where our forefathers led, should we follow?
their moralisation rings hollow.
the record reports
they went in for blood sports;
that's a taste i can't easily swallow.
"
"george boole wasn't idle a lot.
he churned out ideas on the spot,
making marvellous use of
inclusive/exclusive
expressions like and, or, and not.
"
"my father found bandwagons fun.
from exposure like that i would run.
he, rather than scold me,
""de gustibus"" told me,
""non est disputandum, my son.""
"
"an airport's a place where you wait:
to check in, to be frisked at the gate,
then for boarding the plane?
it's a bore and a bane,
but it's more of a pain if you're late.
"
"where the hardiest cyclists go,
alpine gearing is needed. you know
when you climb something big
you will sweat like a pig
if your gears aren't sufficiently low.
"
"have you met my composer friend yorick?
his music is aleatoric.
a throw of his dice
makes the outcome precise:
oddly catchy, or even euphoric.
"
"""that night in the inn, when i hauled
frodo up, i was frankly appalled;
now he's getting to be
quite a hobbit with me . . .""
is that aragorn, palely enthralled?
"
"did the buddha's enlightenment flow
from the earth? did it grow from below,
or come dropping, i wonder,
from the tree he sat under,
a banyan (or bodhi or bo)?
"
"we will shortly be coming to blows;
i'm longing to bloody your nose.
your opinions are fakes,
your convictions, mistakes.
our mutual dispathy shows.
"
"those romans weren't crazy, you know;
their ablative case went to show
how something had gone
by, with, from, in, or on?
the reverse of the dative? quite so.
"
"think the sun peaks at twelve? think again?
solar noon can be minutes from then.
it comes early or late,
fluctuating by date;
a dipleidoscope lets us know when.
"
"in my childhood my hair was antrorse,
which occasioned regret and remorse.
combs and grease were no good:
it defiantly stood.
now it's thinned, and has lost all its force.
"
"disobedience?one of the hardeners
of hearts that were otherwise pardoners!
but such is our fate: sure,
it's part of our nature;
without it we might still be gardeners.
"
"should you meet with a bear about town,
be it polar, black, grizzly, or brown,
stand your ground unafeared;
simply shave off your beard
and barefacedly stare the bear down.
"
"""age of innocence? age of misogyny!""
muttered eve. ""what about anthropogeny?
if adam rejects
all my offers of sex,
how on earth can we leave any progeny?""
"
"the bandora was one of those things
that shakespeare employed in the wings.
sweet, deep-voiced and gentle,
its great sentimental
appeal helped him pull the heart-strings.
"
"the absolute: how can we fetter
to formula, figure, or letter
a concept that holds
everything that unfolds?
it would seem that the less said, the better.
"
"the absolute: what do we feel
from the absolute? not a great deal.
our emotional scenes
are directed by genes,
and such things are not theirs to reveal.
"
"the absolute: what have we got
on the absolute? (pouf!) not a lot!
the more that we say,
the more deeply we stray
into foolishness, fiction and rot.
"
"""do you know of a large hook-shaped cutter
that will go through this brushwood like butter?""
""that's billhooks,"" he said.
so i punched his fat head,
since such language is not fit to utter.
"
"baptizing in river or sea
by total immersion, that we
may give up our old sins,
doesn't mean heaven wins?
but it sure scares the hell out of me.
"
"best control daily eating, for gout;
hence i just keep low-p. meat's now out.
""protein quota"" rants sell,
though unproved; very well,
xerox yesterday's zeitung, about . . .
"
"a medical student named jones
at the word hypochondriac groans;
says his tutor, ""desist!
that's just one in the list
of abdominal regions or zones.""
"
"a hectoring, tense-atmospheric,
hysterical lecturing cleric
is derek. his class
has defected en masse
toward eric, who's more esoteric.
"
"young baronet, undergrad bart,
thy tutor's unsure what thou art!
just glitter away
like a little titr??
play a bright, insignificant part.
"
"the eleventh hussars, those old greats,
were called cherubims, rudely, by mates:
it's a nickname that comes
from their bright cherry bums
in pink trousers, as brewer relates.
"
"a chaiwallah's something to be
if you're eager to earn a rupee.
it's his job to serve up
a delectable cup
of that sweet, spicy indian tea.
"
"at the capulet family ball,
a young montague lurked in the hall?
sweet juliet's nemesis,
casing the premises,
bent on o'erperching her wall.
"
"not all priests are antiscientific,
some think darwin just wasn't specific.
 god made bugs, which evolved
 into man. problem solved:
evolution with god's hand. terrific.
"
"quasimodo in notre dame dwells,
as his anger and self-loathing swells.
 the left side of his face
 is a source of disgrace,
for the palsy he suffers is bell's.
"
"an absurdity's sometimes preferred,
like when seuss would invent a new word.
 (which i think is a crime,
 as it's cheating to rhyme
brungle-bird with prunella j. fleurd.)
"
"while unearthing a burial shrine,
someone spotted me, yelling, ""you swine!""
 i replied, ""i'm no pig;
 it's a government dig.
so don't worry, this tomber's benign.""
"
"i'm bicultural. yes, it is true,
mom's a catholic and dad is a jew.
 these two cultures combine
 in one problem of mine:
oy vey mary! such guilt i've been through!
"
"an accouterment to your new sweater
adds a bit, like a pin or a letter.
 sure, you could go without,
 but there isn't a doubt
that accouterments help it look better.
"
"first i'm happy with nary a care,
then i sit all depressed in my lair.
  for a day, life is great,
  then i sleep six months straight;
you could say i'm a bipolar bear.
"
"a bs is a college degree
that means bachelor of science. you see,
 the initials mean more
 when the student they're for
is a lying psych major like me.
"
"i'll admit it can be a bit scary
when you're facing an old adversary.
 it may cause you a qualm,
 but just try to stay calm,
and perhaps of your foe, a bit wary.
"
"an accessory helps with a crime
(spelled accessary some of the time),
but it's also the word
for the baubles absurd
that will help make your outfit sublime.
"
"abiogenesis (1)
says that maggots are bred by the sun.
contrast this with (2)
the darwinian view
that from matter all life has begun.
"
"athanasius wouldn't let go
till he brought rival arius low.
just a jot was enough
for the pair to get rough?
one iota of difference: like/so.
"
"when you're worried by needs, and depressed,
it's the feeling of angst you've accessed.
if the yearning for gain
is engendering pain,
your requirements should be reassessed.
"
"tomorrow'n tomorrow'n tomorrow,
this petty pace creeps in with sorrow,
and all yesterdays
have lighted fools' ways
to dusty death. life we just borrow.
"
"when the serious thinker dispenses
with learning, true wisdom commences;
i therefore set out
on methodical doubt,
taking resolute leave of my senses.
"
"whom did milton call sweet, ""fancy's child"",
warbling ""native [unschooled] wood-notes wild""?
dared he damn with faint praise
the supreme wright of plays?
yes, that's shakespeare he slightly reviled.
"
"""take a water cure, son,"" said the dad
of an ailing young shepherd. sad lad,
he consulted his ewes
over which spa to choose:
""baden-baden's a bad un,"" they baaed.
"
"the ski-lift is grand, my eyes shine;
at the top, i no longer feel fine.
the flop i foresee
disinclines me to ski;
i'm inclined to decline this incline.
"
"the chiliast prophecy goes
that the lord will return and impose
a millennial spell,
satan banished to hell?
revelation? oh yes, one of those.
"
"while enjoying my cup ? la pimm
i encountered a crack in the rim,
so, averting my lips,
i took circumspect sips;
for such pleasures we risk life and limb.
"
"edna everage lapped up acclaim
ascending the stairway to fame.
she never was shy where
it mattered?her eyewear
proclaimed a spectacular dame.
"
"though preserving dead parents may keep
their cadavers in semblance of sleep,
it is not recommended.
their sojourn here ended,
cremate them, or bury them deep.
"
"budget cancelled, dean? euphemismology
funds gone? heck, i'm joining kryptology!
lose me now, or pay quicker,
right? set things up, vicar,
with xenon, yes! zero apology!
"
"just reflect upon orgel's rule two,
if surprised how diversity grew:
though it cares not a fart
and creates without art,
evolution is smarter than you.
"
"some verses are worthy but ploddy,
and others are funny but shoddy.
a handful, meanwhile,
display effortless style,
which i hope this is found to embody.
"
"i'm down and out, singing the blues.
i was hoping to gain, but i lose.
i'm cut off?disinherited
(thoroughly merited).
dad left me nothing. bad news.
"
"every man has a certain capacity
for laziness, greed and mendacity,
but opprobrium lifts
for his balancing gifts:
generosity, truth, efficacity.
"
"""friends, countrymen! lend me your ears!
my noble and honourable peers
are conspirators?these're
the butchers of caesar!""
mark antony's words: they won cheers.
"
"worth prerogative, your personality?
deserve privilege in your locality?
wishful thinking! indulge?
but i have to divulge,
what you ask is extreme: cure reality.
"
"if for faithful observance you search,
you will find we sit high on the perch.
no recent fruition?
byzantine tradition:
the old eastern orthodox church.
"
"my brother suggested we head
for slovenia, north of the med.
but our time was cut short
and we had to abort,
so we're off to quickvenia instead.
"
"a cicero, typesetting-wise,
is the name of a character size.
whenever you strike a
font just above pica,
m. tullius' ghost will arise.
"
"to play a continuo part,
you must mix navigation with art.
with a basso beside you,
and figures to guide you,
you plot your own course from a chart.
"
"the brow is a part of the face
that can frown upon one in disgrace.
by extension, it's said
that a cliff's craggy head
is seen beetling over its base.
"
"if you drink, due to some predilection,
dirty water, your lungs, on dissection,
may be found to possess
a huge abscess, no less:
an acanthamoeba infection.
"
"a catamaran i had drawn
i constructed from scratch on my lawn
from glass-fibre and plastic.
it floated?fantastic!?
around the whole globe: pangur b?n.
"
"when the pirates were ordered to head
off the bobbies, they trembled in dread.
vocalising with verve
to refurbish their nerve,
they proceeded; catlike was their tread.
"
"the bible's expected to show
us poor sinners the right way to go,
but the teaching's erratic,
and, though it's dogmatic,
it ain't necessarily so.
"
"capillary action is where
heavy liquids are raised by a hair
whose smallness of cavity
overcomes gravity!
wonderful, yes, but not rare.
"
"is your mission impossible, too?
what you need is a camera crew.
you want danger or fun?
just consider it done.
recreating the world's what they do.
"
"apocryphalness is the state
of utopia, erewhon, great
expectations, and tobit;
it means they have no bit
of credit marked up on their slate.
"
"prince arjuna's pluck was defective?
he couldn't work up the invective
to fight his relations.
the transfigurations
of krishna restored his perspective.
"
"my taste for genetics was kindled
on reading that sheep were made brindled
by jacob; that's how, re-
inflating his dowry,
his dad-in-law laban he swindled.
"
"two brothers decided to vary in
lifestyle, though both were agrarian.
jehovah preferred
abel's gift from his herd,
which provoked the morose vegetarian.
"
"tom hewins delivered my 'bent;
its arrival was quite an event.
now i cycle in style,
with a song and a smile;
i'm so glad that's the way that i went.
"
"if the brain of young edward next door
you are eager to view and explore,
use a crown-saw, my man:
it's designed to trepan.
(ed may find it a terrible bore.)
"
"it takes skill and creative precision,
keeping musical lines from collision;
such a challenge is found
when you break a new ground
and start jazzing it up with division.
"
"what's brown, and sounds like a bell?
the answer is easy to tell.
you've got it?it's dung.
ah, the jokes of the young!
how they relish a tale with a smell!
"
"a commoner, having no crest,
in wars long ago found it best
to stand out from the crowd
with some cognizance proud
on his shield: such defiance impressed.
"
"a basilican church is called dromic
on account of its shape ergonomic;
it's based on the courses
they used to race horses?
i find that analogy comic.
"
"meromictic lakes' waters are fixed
into strata. the lower unmixed
(monimolimnion) stays;
mixolimnion lays
on top, chemocline lying betwixt.
"
"anapest, boring old anapest!
metrical tyrant, arcana pest.
fancy a spell o' these
dactylic melodies?
not quite so catchy, that's manifest.
"
"if you're offered a drink at the borgias',
for the sake of your health you should pour jus'
a little away,
smile sweetly and say,
""oh, that's lovely! no more, thanks! but gorgeous!""
"
"her ways are polite and demure.
her voice is so gentle and pure,
so exquisitely pitched,
that all men are bewitched
when they meet her. enchanted, i'm sure.
"
"when the tide rushes in to the shore,
planting kisses with gushes galore,
you can barely say 'high',
then it's waving goodbye,
and it's time for the ebbtide once more.
"
"i once was elastic and lithe,
and buxom and bonny and blithe,
but age is advancing,
reducing my dancing?
no bouncing, no prancing: i writhe.
"
"was berkeley as mad as a hatter,
his thoughts insubstantial as chatter?
or was his vocation
divine inspiration,
to fashion his own stabat mater?
"
"appendant means, simply, attached
by causation or law, or just latched.
disappendant things, then,
are detached once again,
unsurprisingly. perfectly matched.
"
"a dog hook has got to be strong;
it's a versatile lumberjack's prong,
not for using on dogs,
but for handling logs
and keeping them rolling along.
"
"a binary option (financial)
is risky. if staking your ranch, you'll
be made very rich
or you'll die in a ditch?
lose it all, or win something substantial.
"
"eudiometers analyse air
for the quotum of oxygen there.
mix with hydrogen, mark
water level, then spark
an explosion, re-mark and compare.
"
"pope albert's a little-known name:
dispoped, the extent of his fame.
no sooner invested
than dragged round?arrested?
on horseback, face tailward, in shame.
"
"when fatuous judgment is spoken,
accept it in silence unbroken.
let others protest,
""imbecile!"" ""mine was best!""
""what's the deal?"" or ""you gotta be jokin'!""
"
"evangelistary: open to find
gospel readings?but some have opined
it means pulpit as well.
are they right? who can tell?
even oxford can't make up its mind.
"
"the sect that we call catharistic
was peaceable, noble, artistic,
unworldly and mystic.
the pope's atavistic
response was extremely sadistic.
"
"faamafu is brewed in samoa
from stuff they can easily grow?a
potato, malt, sugar;
while watching the rugger
it's just the right tipple to lower.
"
"it is westward, as poets have said,
the infection of empire has spread;
but what antibiotic
could cure our despotic
ambition? hope hangs by a thread.
"
"our ancestors dealt in perempt-
ory insults and terms of contempt:
rascal, runagate, varlet,
rip, cockatrice, harlot ?
but dogbolt?now who would have dreamt?
"
"for rambling i'm ambling inclined,
not to roam leaving home far behind.
neither tropic nor pole
is my hot pick or goal?
i prefer to bestir in my mind.
"
"i once met a prawn, and i sent her on
a trip all the foods we invent are on:
by throat from the mouth
to the stomach, then south
to the gut, or intestines, or enteron.
"
"i am very ashamed of you, son.
you are blameful for what you have done.
 all this evil you do:
 you have stolen cars?two!
(you at least could have offered me one.)
"
"if i say that you're twisting my arm,
then it may not mean physical harm.
 for by arm-twisting, you
 pressure others to do
what you want, with your threats or your charm.
"
"go ahead, do what you want to do.
don't let my thoughts start biasing you.
 if i laugh with derision
 at your bad decision,
that course, still feel free to pursue.
"
"a beekeeping grandpa i had,
and a beekeeper too was my dad,
 thus my whole family tree's
 known for tending to bees.
all this waxing nostalgic seems sad.
"
"you won't guess what i saw just last night:
an actinomyxidian fight.
 no, they're not just big germs,
 but they're things that eat worms.
you should see how these parasites bite!
"
"the king arthur film faced criticism
that it falsely had claimed realism.
 fourteenth-century hordes
 wielding sharp modern swords
are a bit of an anachronism.
"
"if i'm aiming to pick up a gun,
my intent's to be brandishing one.
 if i'm aiming at you,
 you're the target i view,
so i humbly suggest that you run.
"
"here's a great word ? allegorization:
""allegorical interpretation.""
plato's tale of the cave
shows how shadows behave
until thought provides illumination.
"
"whales have fat to keep warm?it's called blubber,
and it insulates better than rubber?
while their blowholes up there
let them breathe in some air,
which you'd know if you weren't a landlubber.
"
"we call a thing dentate, dentated,
that's jagged or cogged, crenellated,
displaying erections
of tooth-like projections
or points making edges serrated.
"
"disinterestedness is a virtue
of judgment. but does it occur t'you,
it isn't ennui
makes a judge guarantee
he's unbiased and not out to hurt you?
"
"is it set on a hill, elsinore?
well, a little one, yes, a wee tor.
it's a nondescript place
without even a base
for a cliff to go beetling o'er.
"
"lifelike models that dr auzoux
made from paper and clay, cork and glue
are called clastic: so smart?
you can take them apart
for a clear anatomical view.
"
"fantazias written by byrd
and alfonso were frequently heard,
but by plenipotentiary
seventeenth-century
violists lawes was preferred.
"
"helmets on for the buffens, a dance
better known as les bouffons, from france.
our swords are of wood
and our timing is good?
whacking hard, we leave nothing to chance.
"
"dancing farandoles earned us some praise:
threading needles, escaping the maze.
our footing was certain,
our clothing was curtain;
st sepulchres: those were the days.
"
"clarinda was heard to complain
that her heart was enriven with pain.
she found no relief
for her passionate grief;
she was torn, ripped asunder, in twain.
"
"my occult divinations ain't fancy ?
i read flour; that's aleuromancy.
you toss knuckles and bones,
i'll just stick with my scones;
stealing dead people's fingers is chancy.
"
"'your progress is strangely retarded,'
i shouted. his answer was guarded:
'not up to the game?
got my larder to blame?
i eat far too much stuff that's enlarded.'
"
"a thousand regrets; it dismays
me to distance your amorous gaze.
such sorrow and pain
i am under, it's plain
i'll be briefly defining my days.
"
"to be an elector is quite
an impressive and powerful right.
don't be cynical fools:
the electorate rules.
you're in charge. use your wisdom and might.
"
"the copper-rose, cop-rose, or head work
grows wild, independent of bed-work.
it's the common red poppy,
i learn from my copy
of flowers of the field, a well-read work.
"
"some terms are the vaguest of stabs
in the dark, not the language for labs.
take dribs for example:
amounts less than ample,
most commonly  followed by drabs.
"
"eleusinian mysteries made
eleusis a centre of trade.
this cult of fertility
gave credibility
to life without end, as a shade.
"
"his sad, ineffectual sweetness,
his habits of quiet and neatness,
his generous heart:
all this set him apart?
what detractors would call his effeteness.
"
"you thought you could come with a band
dispossessing me, seizing the land
i inherit by right?
but i'll put up a fight.
i've a writ of ejectment in hand.
"
"hail, emmental, king among cheeses,
whose holes don't result from diseases.
there's brie and there's gruy?re,
some harder, some gooier,
but this universally pleases.
"
"to analyse means to dissect,
open up with a knife, disconnect.
there's nothing that moves
without laying down grooves.
""cutting edge""?robert pirsig. respect!
"
"a poet, his glimpse of perfection
submitted to public inspection,
will take with good grace
what fate flings in his face
with a single exception: correction.
"
"a candidate, mentally woolly,
yet loudly outspoken, a bully,
said, ""though i bend fact,
what i'm lacking in tact
i make up in egregiousness, fully.""
"
"a lyric is sung, a verse spoken,
while tunes are embellished, grounds broken;
a consort was mixed
while a set? was more fixed?
there's a few sleeping dogs i've awoken.
"
"exaltation we know; its reverse
is abasement, perhaps, but there's worse:
the humblest condition
is exinanition?
self-emptying. just like my purse.
"
"embioptera live in a nest
that they weave from the silk they've expressed.
these are insects that spin;
they're big-headed and thin,
and they know homespun values are best.
"
"the endians, little and big,
were as hostile as tory and whig.
what spurred the attack
was, which end should one crack
a boiled egg? a satirical dig.
"
"pete the pirate, a bullying knuckler
of heads, and a menacing chuckler,
delighted in harm
and in spreading alarm
by resoundingly swashing his buckler.
"
"it certainly showed up a lapse
when water came out of the taps
bearing cryptosporidium.
many an idiom
haunts the responsible chaps.
"
"we skipped the light trippy fandango
to wild castanets and charango.
the walls were revolving,
receding, dissolving ...
all quiet now. where did the gang go?
"
"sherlock holmes said it second. the myth
has it wrong; take correction herewith.
""elementary, my dear
watson"" didn't appear
in a book until uttered by psmith.
"
"your sporangium's ringed? why, that's great?
you're an annulate fern or moss, mate!
if your spore-case or capsule
is ringless, perhaps you'll
accept your exannulate state.
"
"where semiconductors are made
there are plenty of tricks of the trade.
epitaxy works fine
to grow crystals in line;
they conform to the bed where they're laid.
"
"""united we stand!"" it was clear?
patrick henry's advice to cohere.
it is tragic to tell,
but he swooned and he fell!
he was dead by the end of the year.
"
"the lady was busily preening.
her coif was so high, it was leaning!
she sprayed it so much,
it was hard to the touch?
""hair standing on end"" had new meaning!
"
"her cheeks turned a bright cherry red
from the amorous words that he said.
he confessed his desire?
how his heart was on fire!?
proposing they soon should be wed.
"
"i love watching birds in the spring,
and hearing the songs that they sing.
there's the black cacicus cela
(a very fine fella)
with patches of gold on his wing.
"
"to a real estate broker, it's homes;
to a book vendor, all about tomes,
but this website's goal,
and its primary role,
is to corner the market on poems!
"
"the lady could not have been prouder
of her fabulous mexican chowder:
""make the veggies al dente,
then go caliente ?
add cumin and fresh chili powder!""
"
"backseat drivers are truly a drain
on your patience.  they drive you insane.
since they're constantly talking,
you're better off walking,
or biking, or taking the train!
"
"i take pleasure exerting my mind
watching jeopardy shows, but i find,
though the answers are there,
i just blank out and stare!
i'm a senior ? so youngsters, be kind.
"
"unique to the chilean isles
is chiloe, well known for the styles
of its churches of wood
(many years they have stood),
and its houses on sturdy log piles.
"
"many shrubs can be lethal (fatiferous),
so beware of the one that's cocciferous.
its berries may look
like the ones you can cook
but your meal may be more than somniferous!
"
"the chainring goes round when you pedal,
advancing your chain as you steadil-
y work through the gears,
outperforming your peers,
to encouraging cheers and a medal.
"
"it isn't contagious, psoriasis,
but this kind of itch (sent to try us) is:
when hygiene's not followed
and worm eggs are swallowed
you end up with enterobiasis.
"
"if crystals should split as a prism
not only with verticalism?
horizontally too?
diprismatic will do
to describe such a cleavage or schism.
"
"epideictic my speech is, not coy.
oratorical tricks i employ
to the max, to excess,
in a bid to impress
the illiterate mass, hoi polloi.
"
"my rickety clickety clock
has stopped ticking?it's sticking?take stock:
by the sound of the squeals
there are bats in the wheels,
a wickedly flickery flock.
"
"i improvise jazz in my attic.
my neighbours are less than ecstatic.
it flounders?i let it.
they say they don't get it.
chaotic? let's call it chromatic.
"
"just think what bad blood it arouses
when a partisan line one espouses!
evasive of causes,
my slogan in wars is
'a plague upon both of your houses'.
"
"it's bloomsday, the 16th of june.
bowler hats, stripey shirts, shiny shoon
we will sport on the shore
where in 1904
stephen dedalus pondered a rune.
"
"i got home on my bike, hot and flushed,
with my hair in a mess, my clothes crushed;
but, more than delighted,
my wife was excited?
she likes me windswept, not airbrushed.
"
"i may have a lopsided grin
in a face that's too fat or too thin
with a nose that's off-square?
but i wear facial hair:
with a beard i design my own chin.
"
"what dashing young blade have we here?
by his flash, he's a welch fusilier
who will go willy-nilly
along with his billy
defending the realm far and near.
"
"my rugby career's in decline
since a try my supporters thought fine
was, alas, disallowed,
to the boos of the crowd,
as i'd fumbled it over the line.
"
"my house is infested with critters.
they bug me. they give me the jitters.
i hear them all night.
i can't sleep. i'm uptight.
i'm exhausted. my nerves are in flitters.
"
"i asked a philologist, why
not spell fiery f-i-r-e-y?
""epenthetic, that e,""
was his answer to me,
which explains it so clearly?my eye.
"
"i'm an amerind, nominally,
by combining two names, as you see.
but the merchant of florence
and hindustan's torrents
mean equally little to me.
"
"our logic's reduced to its least
by the date line, that fabulous beast.
east samoa we see
as far west as can be,
while the western is maximum east.
"
"a young woman removed all her hair
and went strolling in castletownbere.
said the mayor of berehaven,
""you look so well shaven?
do bear with me there while i stare.""
"
"you, banderillero, are full
of bad blood for the innocent bull.
i just wonder how you would
enjoy being skewered
with darts in your back you can't pull?
"
"the state-of-the-art archaeopteryx
was a not-very-good helicopter; ex-
tinction (jurassic)
deprives us of classic
straight plummet, back flip, belly-flop tricks.
"
"the bishop, with no trace of gaiety,
informed both the clergy and laity
that matter (that which
is not form?) may enrich
things with outness, that is, extraneity.
"
"a finnish composer of note
was sibelius. one thing he wrote
was finlandia. people
who don't often weep'll
confess to a lump in the throat.
"
"this word is eight hundred years old
and its meaning's unclear, truth be told:
might contenement be
what you need to stay free,
or such land as you happen to hold?
"
"what is meant by evaporativity?
a tendency or a proclivity
to turn into gas?
or the rate that things pass
into such a state, in their passivity.
"
"there are many ways under the sun
we can power what has to be done
without getting too hot;
fossil fuel is not
a remotely defensible one.
"
"there are plenty of stories that tell o' these
fellows stumbling on sticks?""what the hell are these?""?
couldn't see?struck a match?
it was dynamite, natch?
cue the sad epicedial melodies.
"
"a word you can use in a quiz,
forensic puts folks in a tizz.
present use: ""scientific"";
in the past, ""court-specific"":
in law, any evidence is.
"
"a major commercial contractor
employed the wrong girl as a factor.
there wasn't a hope
that she ever would cope,
so he ended her factorship (sacked her).
"
"what's a fettle? i'm so glad you ask it.
i've looked up the word, no hard task: it
was used for ""belt"", ""girdle"",
and ""bandage"". the word'll
do, too, for ""side-handle on basket"".
"
"giles fletcher the younger made hay
with his images. here comes the day:
cheerful sun, peeping out
and elamping about,
glads the world with his uprising ray.
"
"fossil fuel was man's greatest gift,
which allowed our economy lift
to its current fast boil:
buried coal, gas and oil?
but right now, it's essential we shift.
"
"it's a fallency when we admit
an exception in law?just a bit
of particular grace
if the facts of your case
mean the general rule doesn't fit.
"
"a flatworm's a worm that is flat.
there's little to say beyond that.
acelom's a feature.
the pestilent creature
can get in your gut and sit pat.
"
"exode's a short way to say
either exodus (slipping away)
or exodium?doom on
the stage, the d?nouement
or climax that wraps up the play.
"
"anthropology, ethics, ontology,
depend upon epistemology,
wherein it is shown
what can limit 'the known'?
so said fichte, who made no apology.
"
"the prelates of rome called domestic
make the catholic church (more or less) tick.
these vatican courtiers
fall into more tiers
than one, but all fairly majestic.
"
"a god you should never offend,
dionysos drives dames round the bend.
the queen mother returns
from his orgy and learns
she's beheaded the monarch. the end.
"
"in my bar the unfortunate kate
ordered drink for her man, on the slate.
i refused, and he cried,
""you fork off!""?i replied:
""no, it's you that should bifurcate, mate!""
"
"that pharma firm acts with compunction
since thalidomide's famous malfunction,
one molecule brother
reflecting the other:
enantiomeric disjunction.
"
"you're asking me, why did i scream?
i dreamt a phlebotomy team
came in quest of my blood,
and i froze where i stood;
all resistance was vain to their fleam.
"
"electrodermal's the test, if you're trying
to find whether somebody's lying.
the conductance of skin
can reveal when they sin,
falsely claiming or falsely denying.
"
"don't think that i'm somehow assaulting
propriety when i'm exalting
this church fornication
with such admiration?
it also means ""arching"" or ""vaulting"".
"
"young morphy, an ectomorph dude,
wished his frame could encompass more food.
he asked a magician
to change his condition;
a sad end o' morphy ensued.
"
"you tidy or groom when you fettle,
or clean up a casting in metal,
or mull ale or stout,
or go whacking about
someone's ears, if you've issues to settle.
"
"i hate it when judy gets broody:
disconsolate, sullen, and moody.
broody hens merely beg
to be given an egg,
but there's punch in the dramas of judy.
"
"when you have to protest, yet you fear
that the backlash could end your career,
one solution applies:
you can fictionalize.
""no resemblance to anyone here.""
"
"if you're socked on the jaw in a bar,
or you drive off a cliff in your car,
to react with dismay
in a comic-book way,
there's just one thing to say, and it's ""arrrghh!!!""
"
"tetrahedrons are bounded by four
triangular faces, no more.
if on each one of those
a pyramid rose,
a cuproid would then take the floor.
"
"it's challenging, writing in verse;
than laboured lines little is worse.
they should appear easy,
insouciant, breezy,
laconic, spontaneous, terse.
"
"an endognath (no conversation
complete without this information)
is the inward-inclining,
or principal, dining
appendage on any crustacean.
"
"pronounced deem-ark, a demarch supreme
ruled an attic (athenian) deme.
your de-march (gait, or lope)
is your manner. i hope
that sorts out this ambiguous meme.
"
"as usual, the cynic complained?
""this morning was cold, and it rained.""
well, the day turned out sunny,
but?isn't it funny??
his overcast outlook remained.
"
"the belt bag's a recent invention ?
to carry small things, its intention.
but with all of my gear,
i've abused it, i fear.
it's suffering now from distention!
"
"on the shores of the town, aguadilla,
a couple had rented a villa.
it was so lovely they
went and bought it that day.
then they sent home a note saying, ""see-ya!""
"
"dey claim dat my english is coarse.
but i ain't feeling too much remorse
'cause my childhood wuz tuff,
and i din't learn much stuff
as duh streets of noo yawk was my source.
"
"two yalies imbibed in a pub;
its name was ye olde drinking club.
when i asked, ""howya feeling?""
they answered me, reeling,
""we've beer cans galore, but no grub!""
"
"roman rulers of ancient acclaim
had cognomens as part of their name,
so that caesar meant ""hairy""
(which is pretty darn scary).
i think that's a dis-tress-ing shame.
"
"says the woman, ""a huge clothing store!""
says the man, ""an impossible bore.""
she sees clothes on the racks;
he sees payments, plus tax.
yes, venus and mars are at war!
"
"he was thought the most punctual of men?
he would clock in at noon, out at ten.
ten hours he ""worked"",
but really, he shirked.
now he's seeking employment again.
"
"they moved to the burbs so they might
avoid sirens and noise and bright light.
but it made the pair weep
when they still couldn't sleep
'cause the crickets were chirping all night.
"
"the savviest shopper well knows
about loehmann's back room and its clothes;
for its discounted fashions
arouse all her passions.
she's chic from her head to her toes.
"
"there once was a califate nation
whose sultans caused much trepidation.
then ataturk came
(turks gave him that name),
and the clerics all took a vacation.
"
"i know that it's just superstition,
but i'm struck by a sick premonition
of dread when i meet
a black cat in the street?
it's a real catastrophic condition!
"
"the speakers would bellow and blare,
and the singers were just unaware
that the microphone's power
grew stronger each hour.
it became a three-advil affair!
"
"our moms had a kindly intention
using fish oil for illness prevention.
though a capful a day
kept the doctor away,
its results were too horrid to mention!
"
"the condo was child-free and quiet
(an excellent reason to buy it)?
but who could you blame
when the grandchildren came,
and the noise level rose to a riot?
"
"wearing black hats, black caftans and pants,
the chassidim got ready to dance.
they sang as they prayed,
and their whole bodies swayed
as they worked themselves into a trance.
"
"she dressed in her own artsy way;
fashion dictates she'd never obey.
she mixed purple with puce,
and was known to induce
the most dreadful reactions?oy vey!
"
"the teapot was fine cloisonn?
(i bought it when i was away).
but after a week,
it developed a leak.
there's a water spot now on my tray.
"
"fay, with her feminine wiles,
had the young man elated?all smiles.
but how could he know
that's as far as she'd go?
oh, the burden of youth and its trials!
"
"amanda was greatly admired
for her physical assets ? thus, hired.
in her slit mini-skirt,
she was foolish to flirt
with the ceo's son.  now she's fired!
"
"a blintz is a crepe that is made
with a filling of cheese, then saut?ed.
while russians would deem
that it needs sour cream,
the french much prefer it flamb?ed.
"
"the lady seemed calm and serene
as the thug sauntered onto the scene.
she dealt him a blow!
(well, how could he know
she'd a brown belt since she was sixteen?)
"
"in his golden years, he has begun
to grow hair where there used to be none.
his ears are so ciliated
you'd think he's affiliated
with alfred c. fuller and son.
"
"charles spencer chaplin ? the name
of an actor and mime of great fame;
the world was delighted
when charlie was knighted.
did oona become a great dame?
"
"a very reliable source
says a crup is the rump of a horse.
and to make matters worse,
it has meanings diverse,
and it makes me quite peevish, of course.
"
"preparing for company, jane
found her sink had a badly clogged drain.
as that sure didn't suit her,
she called roto-rooter.
they saved her from going insane.
"
"in the french class, he took his last test.
to be first in the class was his quest.
but an accent mark placed
on the wrong word disgraced
the poor boy.  he came out second best.
"
"to reach his date's condo by five,
the senior decided to drive.
unhappily, he'd
crawled at such a slow speed
that he found her no longer alive!
"
"here's a mind-teasing riddle for you?
you can ride it and learn from it, too.
verb or noun it can be
(it's confusing, you see).
did you guess that it's coach from the clue?
"
"i purchased a breakable plate
which was placed in a small wooden crate.
it traveled by train,
then it flew on a plane.
it's become a mosaic of late.
"
"in the past leonardo's great name
brought to mind arts and sciences fame,
but lately a tome
about clergy in rome
talks of cyphers ? dan brown is to blame.
"
"""it's a beautiful day!  let's decide
how we're going to plan out our ride.
i think that we oughta
drive close to the water.
the coastal route's best,"" said the guide.
"
"risky day trading often entails
watching deadlines and biting your nails ?
you may see the amount
in your banking account
going south when your strategy fails.
"
"before taking a final exam,
i thought i could study and cram;
but i couldn't predict
that my brain would constrict,
and clamp shut like the shell of a clam.
"
"are you looking for something to brew?
then how about cocoa for you?
there's too much caffeine
in that nice coffee bean ?
whoops! cocoa is full of it, too!
"
"darling daisy was frequently dating
young men, but she kept them all waiting.
this coy little miss
refused even one kiss!
now her prospects are quickly abating.
"
"he handed her one perfect rose,
and got down on his knees to propose,
then presented her prize.
what a dazzler!  what size!
what brilliance! ? the ring her beau chose.
"
"a cuscus was feeling quite blue.
(if you were one, you would be, too.)
he'd the right to complain,
""people think i'm a grain ?
but couscous has o's in it, true?""
"
"he thought he would make several steals ?
cross trading his stock market deals.
he sold and he bought,
but then he got caught.
now he's dining on prison food meals.
"
"did you ever consider or wonder
'bout the transports who scattered asunder?
some were sent by the brits
to survive by their wits
in that colonized country down under.
"
"author trollope's firm fans would agree ?
he described british life to a ""t"".
and as post office clerk,
he did high level work.
yes, a true man of letters was he.
"
"danzig, a past city state,
was commercially wealthy and great.
now gdansk is its name,
and walesa has fame
for preventing its communist fate.
"
"i cannot resist a good deal,
and i buy every bargain with zeal.
though i rarely will use it,
i just can't refuse it ?
an item that's cut-rate ? a steal!
"
"the man was condemned, for a spell,
to inhabit a miniscule cell.
his very worst fear
was that, after a year,
he would reek with a horrible smell.
"
"at the casa rosada one day,
""evita"" was quoted to say:
(singing) ""don't cry for me
argentina"", then she
won a tony for musical play.
"
"cockeyed optimist is nurse nellie's ditty.
(she's cute and vivacious and pretty.)
then charmer de becque
turns her into a wreck
with his bi-racial kids ? what a pity!
"
"let's concubinate, darling, right now ?
we don't need marriage license or vow.
why take time to be wed?
let's just jump into bed!
when it's over we'll wave and say ""ciao.""
"
"crenelated forts were the sites
of countless historical fights.
the rooftops indented
quite often fomented
romance between maids and their knights.
"
"at my granddaughter's dance school, though fees
seem a bargain, they're only a tease,
because costumes are vital
for every recital,
and tickets, and ? yikes! ? dvds!
"
"the bully was making a scene,
harassing the boy ? he was mean!
but soon he was dauded.
the students applauded.
hooray!  judgment-day with the dean.
"
"when she visited ancient pompeii,
the volcano was dormant that day.
but inside its crater
the heat was so great her
new sandals just melted away.
"
"a ville near paris called clichy
belonged to the lords of livry.
it was once used for sport
as a hunting resort
and has ties neolithic, aussi.
"
"i tell you this tale with a sigh?
his broker advised him to buy.
his actions were rash,
'cause he lost all his cash,
and today he is left high and dry.
"
"fresh cream cheese and lox are so nice
on a bagel.  you now add a slice
of onion that's sweet?
what a true new york treat!
it is heaven at such a low price.
"
"when he asked her to cruddle, she thought
that he wanted much more than he ought,
so she smacked his poor face,
and she fled from the place?
but a cuddle was all that he sought.
"
"the hiker had packed a box lunch,
with a few tempting tidbits to munch.
he sat down on the ground,
and you know what he found?
squirrels ate all his prized cap'n crunch!
"
"want to see the year three thousand two?
cryonics is perfect for you!
just take my advice?
turn yourself into ice,
then, defrosted, emerge good as new.
"
"are you tossing and turning at night?
our mattress can help with your plight,
on a box spring that's made
from a premium grade
of wrought iron, to help you  sleep tight!
"
"on a dark, eerie all hallows night,
a skeleton took great delight
as it followed sue sneakily,
its bones moving creakily,
which gave her a halloween fright.
"
"i keep eating, i just can't stop pickin'
on yummy kentucky fried chicken,
and cookies and cake,
and on ice cream and steak?
although all the above make me thicken!
"
"the buffalo fly's harmful bite
affects heifers and causes a blight
on the farmers down under.
it's surely no wonder
they're devising ways out of their plight.
"
"i went to mcdonald's and ate
a huge order of fries from my plate;
as good as they tasted,
on me they were wasted.
i like mine cut crinkly, not straight.
"
"the endless commute was a pain;
his nerves couldn't take so much strain.
he felt such elation
at reaching penn station,
and the herd was allowed to detrain.
"
"why are deviled eggs called by that name?
they're not hot and they're not set aflame.
i think it is silly
they don't contain chili;
with mustard and salt, they're too tame.
"
"i know my b.o. is detectible.
when they sniff, i don't feel quite respectable;
i earnestly hope
i can find a good soap
that will render my problem neglectable.
"
"the sophisticate, sarah would boast
of her fabulous home on the coast,
with its huge, private beach
that's so easy to reach,
and she was such an elegant host!
"
"the man watched the humorous skit;
did he chuckle? not one little bit.
the clever things said
went right over his head:
it's deficient ? his grasp of their  wit.
"
"what sits on dessert plates is sweet,
and always a food lover's treat.
but after indulging
you may find you're bulging,
and cannot get out of your seat.
"
"ms. palin, uncued, had no clue
that behind her, in everyone's view,
was tom turkey's slaughter.
i think that she oughter
have pardoned them all ? wouldn't you?
"
"since the baby is finally creeping,
no cranny is safe from his peeping.
this curious tot'll
find every last bottle!
all closets are locked for safe keeping.
"
"the cocoa bean: once mayan money ?
they crushed it and drank it with honey.
to the mexican olmecs,
and aztecs, and toltecs,
we give thanks for our chocolate bunny.
"
"when cooking his aunt's creole rice,
reynaud had refused her advice.
he made it so hot,
she turned red on the spot
from the overabundance of spice.
"
"for romance, there is nothing that's greater
than a moonlit night helping to bait her.
but if truth's to be told,
half the orb's icy cold,
and it's full of depression ? each crater.
"
"aida, an african slave,
was buried alive in a cave.
as her breaths slowly dwindled,
her power rekindled:
her death scene received quite a rave.
"
"as the closing date drew very near,
the homebuyer trembled with fear;
with mortgages rare,
and his bank account bare,
could he buy it and stay in the clear?
"
"at present, he's still feeling fine,
but should he have any more wine,
his vision will blur
and his speech start to slur,
and his balance abruptly decline!
"
"poor penelope pondered the ways
of how to present crudit?s;
she spent many hours
sculpting vegetable flowers
which her guests gobbled up without praise.
"
"the wedding took place with much splendor.
the bride was so loving and tender.
once conjugally bound,
the husband soon found ?
when he lifted the veil ? the wrong gender!
"
"the bridegroom was starting to panic;
you might even say he was manic.
but it wasn't the wedding?
his mind kept on dreading
the sail on the cruise ship, titanic.
"
"""come close,"" said the man to his wife;
then he stabbed her to death with a knife.
this proves that you must
marry someone you trust?
a lesson she learned late in life.
"
"i hear burger king's launched a new whopper ?
seven layers of grease and a topper.
if you finish one (zounds!)
you will put on five pounds,
what the brits might just charge for this glopper!
"
"you may choose, by your own strong volition,
to assume the defending position;
your case is well built,
but the man's filled with guilt.
he is walking the road to perdition.
"
"the house was in such disrepair
that the neighbors would pass by and stare.
until someone with booty
restored it to beauty.
(it was bought by a drug millionaire.)
"
"the sound engineer poorly planned
a directional mike on a stand;
when the singer was moving,
and dancing and grooving,
her voice was drowned out by the band.
"
"i don't have a fond recollection
of carving up frogs in dissection.
oh boy, did i screw up ?
i gagged and i threw up
and right in my classmate's direction!
"
"ankle surgery?  that's a real pain!
on our marriage it sure is a drain;
doctors' visits are cued up,
his foot joint's all screwed up.
playing nursemaid will drive me insane.
"
"ozzy osbourne your favorite voice?
then the black sabbath band is your choice;
""they're the greatest of all!""
(mtv made that call.)
heavy metal fans, hear and rejoice!
"
"dasyprocta's a common agouti.
some see rodent, but i see a cutie;
like the mastercard ad,
some see good, some see bad ?
we each cherish our own kind of beauty.
"
"the dinka, a tribe of sudan,
is a very intelligent clan.
their folklore is oral,
their credo is moral;
they preach, ""do the best that you can.""
"
"depersonalization: a shame;
we are cyphers that all seem the same.
""it's a pleasure to meet you,
a-12!  i entreat you
to tell me now ? what is your name?""
"
"the destroyer, a powerful ship,
embarked on its very first trip.
its weapons were shiny
as it sailed on the briny,
and moved at a very good clip.
"
"next-door neighbors remarked, ""what a shame!
he's been barhopping ? out with a dame?
though he's found the right block,
this just isn't his lock;
guess development homes look the same.""
"
"fellow architects, please take a glance
at the style of this church ? such romance!
with its lovely bell gable,
i hope you are able
to see how it truly enchants.
"
"her personal ad would include:
a man who enjoyed gourmet food,
was cultured and smart,
liked music and art,
and looked really hot in the nude.
"
"the control center is the domain
where air traffic controllers all reign.
they're preventing collisions
by making decisions
for safety on flights of your plane.
"
"the source of the wife's irritation
is her husband's extreme dedication
to his poor, helpless mother
(he thinks of none other).
it's time for a trial separation!
"
"her delivery date came and it went,
and her patience was just about spent.
the hours were creeping ?
forget about sleeping!
besides that, she looked like a tent.
"
"a devil fish, out of the blue,
hit a boat, really knocked it askew.
the coast guard then got him,
with a rifle they shot him.
they sure gave the devil his due!
"
"the convertiplane's quite an invention
with its two separate modes of ascension ?
like a copter or plane,
but, alas!  here's its bane:
its failure rate's high, i should mention.
"
"our camera is very dependable.
its longevity's rated ""commendable"".
captures bees on a bloom
with its twelve-power zoom.
it's compact and, when needed, extendable.
"
"some cubans all over our nation
are watching with much expectation,
hoping inroads are made,
both in travel and trade,
by our highly esteemed delegation.
"
"the defense lawyer knew in his heart
that his client was wrong from the start,
but, being an ace,
he worked hard on the case,
and he won ? cause he's wily and smart.
"
"coriander's a versatile seed,
as most gourmet chefs have agreed.
so, please take my advice,
use this excellent spice.
tonight's dinner's success ? guaranteed!
"
"the doc, a fine diagnostician,
immediately knew her condition;
her ear, quite acute,
had switched over to ""mute"",
because rap offends any musician.
"
"though you're lushly curvaceous, i fear
you are younger than you may appear,
and an innocent man
could wind up in the can,
so hands off!  do i make myself clear?
"
"a besotted conductor once let a
young student join in a duet ? a
mistake.  the sweet thing
looked real good ? couldn't sing,
and she choked when she sang the codetta.
"
"the coif didn't rate admiration ?
instead, it caused great consternation.
either she is a he,
or it's he that's a she,
but that butch cut made quite a sensation.
"
"her demureness is only a cover;
in fact, she's one heck of a lover.
'cause once she's undressed
she cannot be suppressed,
and her partner is rarely above her.
"
"in cos? (that's our opera today),
there's a maid who prompts girls to betray:
temptation arises
when despina advises,
""have fun when your honey's away.""
"
"the marathon run is today.
my feet sweat, but that's really okay
since my crew socks are new
and my sneakers are, too.
i am psyched, so move out of my way!
"
"with my dial-up, the service connected
so slowly, i finally defected
to cable: dramatic,
that change ? i'm ecstatic!
my problems are now all corrected.
"
"the display case was brimming with bling.
its contents could make her heart sing.
but the fact is she's sad
'cause her credit is bad,
so she purchased a fake diamond ring.
"
"old nessie once rested her bod
on a crannog with lush scottish sod.
the ancient old isle
only lasted a while.
are there no monsters left? ? it's so odd.
"
"the anthurium thrives in mauritius,
with a color that's bright and auspicious.
it's a beautiful sight ?
mother nature's delight,
and the mealy bugs  find it delicious.
"
"there once was a fellow named walter
whose desire to marry would falter.
he'd break out in a sweat,
and he'd holler, ""not yet!""
as he ditched every bride at the altar.
"
"the deer mouse inhabits our trees,
then into a burrow he flees.
he's large ears, and good sight,
and his belly is white.
in the wild he eats seeds, but not cheese.
"
"he's chosen to rent ? he's not selling,
but his tenants are fighting and yelling.
his patience runs short;
he's going to court
to deturbate them now from the dwelling.
"
"the cream cake was worth every taste,
even though it went right to my waist.
i ate the whole piece.
though my weight did increase,
in a week, the two pounds were erased.
"
"the dissonance grates on the ear;
it's horribly painful to hear ?
the music's so awful
it's almost unlawful!
this man has no talent, i fear.
"
"his discounts were overly high,
hence the masses were tempted to buy.
there were bargains galore,
so they ran to his store ?
but he quickly ran through his supply.
"
"let demi the demoness tell
of her sexy adventures in hell;
watch the cool dvd,
and i think you'll agree
that you'll quickly be caught in her spell.
"
"i tried writing a limerick today
since i thought i had something to say.
when i boxed in my choices,
my head's inner voices
all told me, ""you've nothing!""  oy vay!
"
"the bungee jump lurked in the distance.
his buddies were full of insistence.
""tie the cord on!"" they cried.
he tried vainly to hide,
but he jumped (he ran out of resistance).
"
"the deergrass that grows by my curb
is a western perennial herb.
often, mule deer consume it;
with a bright purple bloom, it
grows tall and it looks quite superb.
"
"an active young girl, for diversion,
went out on a hiking excursion.
she fell in the dirt,
scraped her knees, and it hurt.
now her wounds are in need of detersion.
"
"he's a deadbeat!  although he's your friend,
he had borrowed your money to spend.
time's gone by, and you've learned
that it won't be returned.
there's a moral here:  ""think when you lend.""
"
"my husband once planted a tree
that grew quickly, was lovely to see.
then its roots ruined our lawn,
and our grass is all gone;
chinese elm is to blame, we agree.
"
"get ready!  these abacus beads
will serve your numerical needs.
they'll help you to count,
and to find the amount.
three cheers to the one who succeeds.
"
"my office companion named chris'll
manhandle the girls, sometimes whistle;
but with all the new laws,
he had better take pause,
for these acts may be cause for dismissal.
"
"he dipped his new pen in the ink,
and wrote cursively, trying to think
how to handle his fear
that his writing would smear ?
being cack-handed surely did stink!
"
"many girls would conform to the rules
when attending parochial schools,
but when shoes were all shiny
the boys saw your heinie!
(these coeds were nobody's fools.)
"
"disraeli, the brit politician,
wrote quite a few books in addition
to being p.m.
let his rivals condemn
how his novels had earned recognition!
"
"to her husband, she gave a sharp cry,
""all my tropical fishes will die!
change the water somehow,
or dechlorinate ? now!
unless you want tetra deep-fry!""
"
"when disruptive kids rant, rave and run,
and their folks say they're just having fun,
it leads me to note
my best friend, and i quote:
""i enjoy little children ? well done!""
"
"the disease that is known as diphtheria
can be fatal and cause great hysteria.
it has symptoms diverse,
which will quickly get worse.
vaccinations can stop the bacteria.
"
"when oliver asked for more gruel
in the dining hall, bumble was cruel.
he refused his request ?
dickens' tale tells it best.
(you probably read it in school.)
"
"with a digicam, folks can tell when
the photo is bad, shoot again,
then store or delete
without missing a beat.
god bless its inventor.  amen!
"
"many students when wanting to crib'll
write facts on their hands in a scribble
to stop them from failin'.
but why did ms. palin
use notes?  so the public can quibble!
"
"on your dashboard, a blinking red light
will alert you that something's not right.
and here is a fact:
if you quickly react
you'll avoid a more dangerous plight.
"
"my man, i just got me some wheels!
gonna take her out, see how she feels.
my '65 'cuda
was bought in bermuda.
can't wait to hear all the girls' squeals!
"
"our beautiful dog, anastasia,
developed severe hip dysplasia.
the ending is sad.
we finally had
to put her to sleep ? euthanasia.
"
"the draining pipe systems of old
roman homes were quite modern, i'm told.
you could sit and unload ?
'neath the pavement it flowed.
their clean streets were a sight to behold!
"
"our spaniel was trembling with pain.
our kind-hearted vet made it plain:
""though i'm sorry to faze ya,
your dog has dysplasia ?
his hip's out of kilter again.""
"
"the chef said the dunfish was done,
and he brought out our plates, one by one.
it's a strange name for cod,
and i find it quite odd,
but it's fancy, and different, and fun.
"
"at the tryouts supported by nyssma, lee
performed his drum solo quite dismally.
he became quite dejected,
'cause you can't be selected
for band when you fail so abysmally.
"
"what a bargain!  i bought this great stone,
and that gem was so pretty, it shone.
but a dichroscope, darn it,
proved my ruby's a garnet ?
that's another two thousand i've blown!
"
"he had drawn out a sketch of a train,
but he then felt the need to explain.
it was drawn out and boring ?
we all began snoring.
his lecture turned into a pain!
"
"re: funding your child's education,
here's a terribly sad situation ?
your two hundred thou
is worth seventeen now.
oy vay!  that is some depreciation!
"
"i know a young student named yentl,
whose classes are all departmental.
math teachers excel,
but the lit guy can't spell ?
a cause of much grievance parental.
"
"mom went in the pool with my daughter.
did she know how to swim?  no one taught her.
granny slipped and went down,
and she thought she would drown!
she survived.  there was one foot of water.
"
"he approached her; she peevishly looked up.
he fed her a line that he'd cooked up.
he asked for a date;
she replied, ""it's too late...
my calendar says i'm all booked up.""
"
"the doctor advised a new diet:
""you should broil it or steam it, don't fry it;
no transfats, no lard ?
they become very hard.
if it's artery-clogging, don't buy it.""
"
"our carpenter finished his search
for the wood for our lovely new church.
what he's chosen to use
for the altar and  pews
is american dark cherry birch.
"
"let me tell you the story of claire,
who detested her straight, dark brown hair:
she shampooed it and dried it,
and curled it and dyed it,
but her ringlets brought tears of despair.
"
"decoration day: once set aside
to remember our heroes who'd died.
now we pause every may
on memorial day
as we honor their service with pride.
"
"the beautiful curly clematis
on my mailpost has lifted my status
amongst plant lovers who
stop and stare, ""ah"" and ""ooh"".
best of all, it is growing there gratis!
"
"at goal ? every weight watcher strives
to be there when the month's end arrives.
when we step on the scale,
we will cheer or we'll wail.
this program controls our whole lives!
"
"dazzle the crowd with your smile!
just use your charisma and style!
with all that allure,
you'll win votes, that's for sure,
without taking a stand all the while.
"
"she despairingly begged for our ear,
for we execute murderers here.
she had slaughtered her man,
but it wasn't her plan ?
she just held the knife; he came too near!
"
"your butcher board shelf ? was it made
by a craftsman?  ""not so, i'm afraid,
for it soon became clear:
solid wood was veneer;
the result was he didn't get paid.""
"
"the draperied windows concealed
all the flowers that grow in the field;
so the windows i bared
to the view unimpaired,
and voil?!  all the blooms are revealed!
"
"no matter how clever the prose,
or great acting in new broadway shows,
famous names off the bill
mean the drawing power's nil.
with unknowns, the play's likely to close.
"
"in order to rule on a case,
the district judge looked at your face.
""i can give you a pass
if you'll give me some ass.""
yes, that judge was disbarred in disgrace.
"
"the ingenue isn't too bright ?
she can't tell her stage left from stage right.
to her co-star's great rage,
she will wander downstage,
thereby blocking his movements from sight.
"
"the letter was hand writ to me:
""you may call at  my home after three.
we'll eat crumpets and scones,
speak in civilized tones,
and partake in a true english tea.""
"
"howard stern is a radio jock
whose specialty's aiming to shock.
his distasteful, rude patter
will not really matter
if no one tunes into this schlock.
"
"i think that you ought to redact
half the dialog in the first act.
you may think that it's cute,
but your character's mute,
so he can't speak the lines ? that's a fact!
"
"there once was an angry old miser,
who didn't believe a divisor
should be greater than one.
sharing assets she'd shun,
and her relatives sure did despise her.
"
"myrtle corbin, according to lore,
had not two legs, or three legs, but four.
a dipygus! and we
can imagine that she
had a great many socks in her drawer.
"
"the twins were conjoined at the hip,
which made it most awkward to strip.
in a three-legged race,
they would come in first place,
'cause the others would stumble and trip!
"
"it's horrid for one to declaw
a cat ? it's a part of his paw.
it's cruel amputation,
and mean mutilation.
in europe, it's breaking the law.
"
"his cocksureness ? an arrogant vice:
overconfidence carries a price.
whether right, whether wrong,
he comes on very strong.
his character's not very nice.
"
"the book is devoid of a plot;
as for structure and theme, it's got squat.
and reviewers all claim
every chapter's the same ?
but his name means that sales are red hot.
"
"delphic oracle: it came to be
in about seven hundred b.c.,
where grecians would follow
the priests of apollo,
whose wisdom was sought for a fee.
"
"the devil dog's yummy and sweet ?
it's a weiner-shaped, chocolatey treat.
the problem is that
it is filled with trans-fat ?
eat a few and you'll get a wide seat.
"
"hooray!  they've devalued the pound!
in london, great bargains abound.
you should hurry and buy
cheaper tickets to fly
'cross the pond where elizabeth's crowned.
"
"i'll tell you with all due sincerity,
my fingers are lacking dexterity.
my skills alphabetic
are truly pathetic.
at the keyboard, i type with temerity.
"
"the coast of amalfi's unnerving:
its highway is known for its curving,
and try as they might
to not give you a fright,
its drivers are constantly swerving.
"
"her deviated septum brings pain
and it won't let her sinuses drain.
i suppose this is true ?
but her nose is askew,
and she's fixing it 'cause she is vain.
"
"the deviant's lady friend froze
when he started to try on her clothes.
it just wasn't normal
to dress in her formal
ensemble right under her nose.
"
"the computer:  i'd sure like to know
if it's friend or instead if it's foe.
we buy it then find
that we're losing our mind
when it crashes and causes such woe.
"
"he bloviates ? he needs defusing.
even friends wouldn't find him amusing.
for when he takes the chair,
the room fills with hot air.
now if he were a blimp, he'd be cruising.
"
"collaborators each take a part
(like songwriters rogers & hart,
or lerner & loewe)
in creating a show:
they both must be clever and smart.
"
"he knows not his left from his right;
besides, he's extremely uptight.
with our wedding soon due,
he'll make his debut,
so we're starting dance lessons tonight.
"
"in rouen, a french artist, monet
watched the rays of the daylight at play
on the great church's stones
and he painted their tones.
his ""impressions"" are plein de beaut?.
"
"this recipe's great beyond doubt:
it calls for a package of crout,
some caraway seed
and a spoon of dill weed ?
then serve it with fried rainbow trout.
"
"o'neill teaches us to be wary
of stokers who tend to be hairy.
although mildred, in white,
wants to do what is right,
she finds yank is too apelike and scary.
"
"bernie madoff made off with much cash,
with aplomb and a lot of panache.
now billions in money
are lost ? it's not funny!
so, where did he bury his stash?
"
"the dayak's a bornean man:
over two hundred tribes form this clan ?
each has kept its own ways
from the earliest days,
and each man is a deep shade of tan.
"
"as soon as the wealthy man died,
all the mourners had wept and had cried;
but they'd planned and they'd plotted
so they'd be allotted
a stipend for life ? a free ride.
"
"you choked benny's dog till it died.
you've stolen and murdered my bride.
  you're a knave! do you crave
  to deprave?  please behave!
let acceptableness be your guide.
"
"the arrayer arrayed for her prey
thirty roses.  'twas quite a display.
  she envenomed a cup,
  and then took the tray up
to the man that she aimed to betray.
"
"artificial is my middle name.
from appendages down to my frame
  every part's been replaced:
  plastic limbs, metal waist,
and my sex life is not quite the same.
"
"a scientist (mad!) had some fun
with a daughter of his, and a son.
  he accreted their brains,
  fused the skin, twined the veins,
because two heads are better as one.
"
"""drinks are additive,"" megan explained.
""this imbibing cannot be sustained.
   the more you drink booze,
   the more life you'll lose.""
and then calmly, all glasses were drained.
"
"afforce up these battlements, men!
the hostiles shall come from the glen!
  now shore up the braces!
  put guns in their places!
i'll never be married again!
"
"said he: ""mumble mumble-dy date,
mumble seventy mutter-tum late.""
   said i: ""i can't hear you,
   though standing quite near you!
try speaking more audibly, mate.""
"
"""these place cards are all out of whack.
i'll sit next to alice, not jack.
 can you place us adjacently?""
 she acted complacently,
but later, i saw her trade back.
"
"while it's true that i could have been blunter,
through my words, i am still an affronter.
  the words that i used
  left her ego so bruised!
(but i still think she's fatter than gunter.)
"
"with aniseikonia, eyes
don't agree on what each one espies.
the images seen
on each retinal screen
will disturbingly differ in size.
"
"some dwarves, a septet, put snow white
in a very unusual plight:
if she called them this term,
pc people might squirm
they are ""persons deprived of their height.""
"
"it is cinco de mayo.  i thinko
we should have some tequila to drinko.
we won't stop ? we don' wanna;
we'll dry out ma?ana.
tonight we will get really stinko!
"
"his dyed-in-the-wool fixed opinions
are not popular views with virginians.
he refuses to budge,
so a lot hold a grudge.
they are not his political minions.
"
"the man had such thirst, he could kill,
but that country served nary a swill
of some booze or some wine,
or some beer by the stein.
i imagine he's thirsting there still.
"
"breaking news ? ""give capsaicin a shot,
if you want to lose weight and eat hot.""
it sends word to your brain
that you're full.  you won't gain.
check out all of the good points it's got.
"
"here's a photo i treasure like gold
that is over a hundred years old.
production increased when
perfected by eastman ?
it's known as a dry plate, i'm told.
"
"oh my, here's a lesson i learned:
i took one little bite and i turned
just as red as a flame ?
cherry pepper's the name
of the culprit. caramba! it burned!
"
"i've dry-cleaned this gown with much care,
now it's old and its fabric is bare.
it no longer looks great,
but i can't tell my mate,
cause i've worn it when he wasn't there!
"
"i hate to call up to complain,
but my toilet refuses to drein.
i've a party tonight,
and it's really not right ?
there's just so long my guests can retain!
"
"feeling bad?  i suggest that you get a
medicinal plant called chiretta.
it cures many ills
without any pills,
and you soon will be feeling much betta.
"
"he's a right loving man, is mcnoll;
and authentically so, to his soul.
   he has love for mankind,
   whether low or refined,
braised and sliced, served with rice in a bowl.
"
"academic health center's for me!
the treatment is usually free!
  the new would-be doctors
  are guided by proctors.
(for short, it is called ahc.)
"
"akinesics, unable to move
can undoubtedly stand to improve.
   their paralysis stinks!
   if it stays, then methinks
they shall never get back in their groove.
"
"the doctor, angelically kind,
brought a heavenly feeling to mind.
  he was calm and serene,
  never base, never mean;
but he still said, ""your card is declined.""
"
"to array is to form in a line,
like these bottles of excellent wine.
  and when feeling a chill,
  i consume them until
there's a ray of delight; then i'm fine!
"
"a film star, because of his wealth,
lives affluently, stays in good health.
   except for the houses
   he gives to ex-spouses
and treasures he loses to stealth.
"
"there's many a gent with affinity
to conquer a maiden's virginity.
  to be thus engaged
  means no wedding is staged
(save when coupling turns into a trinity).
"
"for zero, or nothing, or none,
or the answer to ""one minus one,""
  some people use aught,
  while some others choose naught,
or ""the number of folks on the sun.""
"
"airtightness relates to airtight
as politeness relates to polite.
  in a legal defense
  it would surely make sense;
in a spaceship, its lack is a blight.
"
"an augmentative agent is beer,
which increases your joy and your cheer.
  but the down side is this:
  that your increase in bliss
will be matched by an increase in sphere.
"
"a mathematician named eric
used formulas quite esoteric.
he challenged his brain
with a cryptic domain
using symbols not alpha-numeric.
"
"""call him dumbo,"" folks called, through their sneers,
as his friends all made fun of his ears,
which stood out from his head
at right angles, they said.
he wished he could prune them with shears.
"
"henry the eighth couldn't bear
anne of cleves.  yes, he called her ""a mare!""
their annulment, decreed,
and to which both agreed,
said that sex life they never did share.
"
"the   ding dong  ? now how do you eat it?
with pleasure. it sure is a treat.  it
is wrapped in a shell
of hard chocolate.  it's swell!
chocolate cake filled with cream ? you can't beat it!
"
"catherine the great was first wed,
to a man who would not share her bed.
so one clearly can see
why peter the three
was disposed of.  he wound up quite dead!
"
"discontinued since two thousand two
(why they did that, i don't have a clue).
like the mustang from ford,
on the road it just soared:
i miss the camaro, don't you?
"
"the high school conductor displayed
slim dynamics at sunday's parade.
the softs and the louds
wowed the marching band crowds,
but the mezzos did not make the grade.
"
"clubfoot:  a crippling condition
where the ankle is out of position.
yamaguchi has skated
since her clubfoot, rotated,
was repaired by an expert physician.
"
"his contemptibility shows in his dealing ?
he's lying and cheating and stealing.
he won't care if you're hurt
by the loss of your shirt.
he has neither compassion nor feeling.
"
"it's threatening to rain.  you might spy
the leaves' dorsal sides turned to the sky.
the plant quenches its thirst
as the rainclouds all burst,
and your garden is no longer dry.
"
"the crowd formed a massive processional;
the new king took the throne. the accessional
  moment was marred
  by a whisper regard-
ing the death of his dad by professional.
"
"my brother, affrighter deluxe,
likes to jump out and scare me.  it sucks!
  he won't quit this regime
  for each time that i scream,
my mother forks over ten bucks.
"
"go to marches, write letters, unearth
new ideas for causes of worth.
  i just wish you were less
  activistic, i guess,
when it came to your views on my girth.
"
"an arab's semitic extraction
might elicit a puzzled reaction.
   but an arab, a jew,
   and a canaanite, too,
all derive from this common abstraction.
"
"heat a stone in some water, lucille.
now the guests offer things for appeal:
  some onion, potato,
  some meat, a tomato;
this soup is an addible meal.
"
"on these tapes, i've recorded concession
of your deeds of most heinous aggression.
  but the judge says it's not
  an adducible lot,
so the jury won't hear your confession.
"
"the wizard's apprentice was swept
up by secrets his master had kept.
  he absorbed each new spell;
  learned it quickly and well.
the adept, at adeption, was ept.
"
"i needed a spleen for my study.
(can't explain it just now: it's too bloody.)
  then, by dint of good luck,
  one fell right off a truck,
and, auspiciously, wasn't too muddy.
"
"each time that i walk over grates
my skirt puffs way up, then deflates.
  now the office boy's plans
  involve ductwork and fans:
the exposure most clearly relates.
"
"i watch the big clock night and day
to be sure that the time is okay.
  tell me, when's the next tick?
  make it come! bring it quick!
wretched anxiousness holds me at bay!
"
"the closet is filled from the floor
to the ceiling.  it couldn't hold more.
  so let's wait here for gwen.
  she will open it; then
stuff will avalanche out of the door.
"
"my drive went a foot and then quit.
i wish i could rest for a bit,
  but my ball didn't roll,
  so i'm far from the hole.
i'm away, so it's my turn to hit.
"
"it was quiet. the curtains were drawn.
the wife and the children were gone.
   with forms for his taxes,
   and memos, and faxes,
he labored away until dawn.
"
"a person avowedly mean
can be openly base or obscene.
  so his neighbors will groan
  and just leave him alone;
thus his life will be calm and serene.
"
"you giggle, you jump up and down.
you frolic about like a clown.
  these antics are cute,
  but a pointless pursuit:
i'm happiest wearing a frown.
"
"an acute is an accent clich?.
those who use it? intensely pass?.
  those who must fabriqu?
  ways to use it each d?:
i'd prefer that they'd just go aw?.
"
"aviation: you get on a plane,
then a baby starts screaming in pain.
  a guy pukes in your lap
  as you're trying to nap,
and your luggage goes somewhere in spain.
"
"she's adorned ""fearless leader"" today,
in a novel and interesting way.
  she'll be stripped to the waist,
  and then covered in paste,
then we'll roll her about in the hay.
"
"when mallet on knee is capricious,
my reflex can make me suspicious.
  this kick autonomic
  to doctors seems comic;
it strikes me they're being malicious.
"
"she appointed her house with such things
as a chair that was made out of strings,
  and a dining room table
  upholstered in sable,
and toilets that hovered on wings.
"
"""after kneading your pizza's tough dough
you must then let it rest,"" bakers crow.
  in this ""autolyze"" phase
  cells of yeast have a craze:
their own enzymes digest them! oh no!
"
"if they're hanging there, clustered like grapes,
the groups are aciniform shapes.
  though for berries or fruits
  the topography suits,
consult vets if you see this in apes.
"
"his prowess extends far and wide;
for spices, this guy is the guide.
  his business is boomin'!
  it's zoomin'!  his cumin
acumen cannot be denied.
"
"i accorded the lady my arm;
she accorded her smile and her charm.
  i accorded my hand
  her prohibited land;
she accorded significant harm.
"
"some arm-twisting helps to convert
one whose mindset you want to divert,
  but no real arm's attacked
  with this lev'raging act,
so seldom is anyone hurt.
"
"get used to this polar location,
the cold and the bare isolation.
the snow's off the chart,
so you might as well start
acclimation to life at the station.
"
"in java, my class was abstract;
you'd infer lack of instance as fact.
its constructor's invoked?
""there's an object?"" i choked.
i'm surmising our bytecodes were hacked.
"
"avant-garde, avant-jazz, avant-mime,
means the thing is ahead of its time.
  but these verses i write
  are so nifty, they might
be considered to be avant-rhyme.
"
"my duty's distracted, betrayed!
this accursedly beautiful maid
  has purloined my attention.
  i'll yield to convention:
with lemons, you make lemonade.
"
"a cup of hot tea will unchill;
add a tincture of poison for thrill.
  the dose isn't mortal
  (my plan makes me chortle!),
accumulation of toxin will kill.
"
"just what are you after, my sweet?
do you want a massage for your feet,
  a new blouse, or a ring,
  a free trip to beijing,
or some pants that won't accent your seat?
"
"my mom come around here unbidden.
she brung me great stuff. i ain't kiddin':
  some magazines, fruit,
  a new flute i can toot,
and the file in the cake wuz well hidden.
"
"this girl gets around, i declare!
she's here, and then whoosh! she goes there.
   she goes up, and then down
   as she covers the town,
without time for our pointless affair.
"
"your belching and farting and grunts
are insulting. i tire of your stunts.
  you're a rude and crude dude
  who eats food in the nude!
i find many and sundry affronts.
"
"i've put vitamin pills in this jar,
some water, some rocks, and some tar.
  now i stir with a knife
  till it blooms with new life
and autogeny makes me a star!
"
"she wheedled for truth 'neath the bower.
""plight your troth,"" she exclaimed, ""thou avower.
  thou lov'st me, now swear it!""
 ""so much i can't bear it!
i'm taking cold showers each hour.""
"
"sneaking glances through windows is vile.
watching women undress has no style.
  it's lascivious, lewd,
  wholly tasteless, and rude.
i vow only to be here awhile.
"
"the monks thought their home was too shabby.
their milieu made them feel a bit crabby;
  shaggy carpet's now there,
  brightly colored, with flair,
and they call the  place axminster abbey.
"
"rented tuxes just never seem right.
hired limos are corny and trite.
  this corsage is quite lame.
  i've forgotten my name!
so much awkwardness looms here tonight.
"
"the ghost of my dear uncle paul
aggrievedly moans in the hall.
  he rattles his chains
  while he whines and complains
since his grave is now under a mall.
"
"this contract's affirmable, dear.
i'll agree to the terms with good cheer.
  i will give you the house
  if you loosen your blouse
and provide me with gallons of beer.
"
"my doctor proclaims me a mess,
noting symptoms that seem to progress.
  he suggests herbal tea
  from the alehoof for me,
to cure vertigo, jaundice, and stress.
"
"the allness combines with my oneness;
the universe merges to noneness.
  though such peace i possess,
  baking bread causes stress:
it's so tricky to measure the doneness!
"
"our candles no longer have perch.
the burglers absconded from church
   with absconces in tow.
   now the darkness will grow,
and the laity's left in the lurch.
"
"all power is mine here today.
i'm the lord of the door, come what may.
  as the portal premier,
  the authority here
will be me. it shall close when i say.
"
"my tiara and gown you admire;
my diamonds catch light from the fire.
  i dream every day
  of attiring this way,
but my wife says i fail to inspire.
"
"my fans have a singular quest
for my signature.  give it a rest!
  ""sign my pad."" ""sign my son.""
  ""sign my saddle and gun.""
""could you autograph here on my breast?""
"
"mr. smith, when there's something to dread,
can become, in a flash?captain fred!
  the tools of assum-
  ability?  room
in a phone booth and magical bread.
"
"in my autumn years, i have become
quite reclusive, curmudgeonly, glum.
  as i age into winter,
  will passion just splinter?
i fear i'll retreat and grow numb.
"
"for an autopsist, this is routine.
i've found poison, and shots through his spleen.
  'round his neck there's a rope,
  and he's shot up with dope,
but what killed him remains to be seen.
"
"a head that's auriculate, dear,
has, externally, signs of an ear.
   for a heart, here's the gist:
   ear-like pouches exist
at each atrium's rear. is that clear?
"
"those archaeologically prone
are known to spend time on their own.
  they dig up the earth
  for all that they're worth
for a pottery shard or a bone.
"
"monosaccharide compounds that wend
to a carbonyl group at one end ?
   when six carbons they own,
   such sugars are known
as ""ye olde aldohexose,"" my friend.
"
"when arguing i will prefer
to avoid racial insult or slur.
  my points will abound
  with pure reasoning sound
that will force worthy foes to concur.
"
"straight into the night she did ride,
on arabian steed, full astride!
   to bring back her man
   was her straightforward plan.
the dishes, now washed, would be dried!
"
"a room full of aromaticity
may detract from perceived domesticity.
  maybe friends feel entombed
  when your room's too perfumed,
and perhaps they will fear eccentricity.
"
"a house architecturally sound
will not slide all around on the ground.
  it will not lean askew;
  wind won't cause it to slew,
nor collapse in a muddled-up mound.
"
"our lovely young foreign au pair
tends our kids with her competent care;
  but when they go out
  with their mother, i shout
""may we now please begin our affair?""
"
"a man who behaves rather arrantly
doesn't care if folks like him, apparently.
  he's brutal and mean,
  malign and obscene.
his disdain for you shows quite transparently.
"
"a tar once accounted the tale
of his living inside of a whale.
  ""that's malarkey,"" i cried,
  ""you should surely have died!
in a whale, without fail, there's no ale!""
"
"hail, bacchus! his goblet is ready.
it's filled to the brim.  now i'll bet he
will take many sips?he
will get very tipsy.
(gods of wine are so often unsteady.)
"
"when at concerts, my hubby agrees
that he needs a swift pinch and a squeeze ?
when the music is slow, he
will doze off.  i know he
has ""largo somnific"" disease.
"
"this country club's dress code's unfair!
the women are told what to wear.
they must put on a bra,
even when in the spa,
when it's so much more fun to go bare.
"
"john the first was not much of a saint,
so clause 61, known for distraint,
was adapted as parta
the new magna carta.
civil war would break out from his plaint.
"
"as the sun sets in old amarillo,
i lay my head down on my pillow,
and there from my room
see the purplish bloom
of my evergreen tree, desert willow.
"
"when we see a blue star on display,
there's a soldier at war far away.
the flag means we yearn
for a speedy return.
let us stop, let us hope, let us pray.
"
"take an epicure's word of advice:
cumin seed is a versatile spice.
with its caraway flavor,
it's easy to savor.
you can add it to soup or to rice.
"
"i must do the dishes and sweep.
if the kitchen's not clean, i can't sleep.
my house is so purty,
i hate when it's dirty.
get a maid?  heavens, no!  i'm too cheap.
"
"dissipated dan, once a hunk,
now has cheeks that are sallow and sunk.
for he cannot help choosing
carousing and boozing.
the man is a sad, hopeless drunk.
"
"while climbing tall mountains in asia,
i met a young girl, anastasia.
she told me this rule:
""take diamox. you'll
never let all that altitude faze ya.""
"
"the busty, the brash, the demure,
go to william for reasons impure.
on his parapet walk
they do more than just talk:
yes, this sentry has quite an allure.
"
"an alumnus: male graduate, sal.
an alumna: degreed, but a gal.
  if there's more than just one,
  they're alumni. when none
of them's male, they're alumnae, old pal.
"
"agora: somewhat less than a penny.
if in haifa, you'll likely spend many.
  to buy clothing or food
  you'll need thousands accrued,
but alas, poor old me hasn't any.
"
"the monster avouched his vile crime.
those attending all thought he was slime.
he'd spilled innocent blood
just to feel like a stud.
now he'll squander his life marking time.
"
"when sailing i'm often aweather,
the wind in my face and points nether;
  but my partner at sea
  prefers standing alee.
it saves us from being together.
"
"first i send my wife betty to crete,
then it's dinner with dear marguerite.
  and this software (how great,
  without even a wait)
automagically books us a suite.
"
"these adulators drive me insane,
since their comments are trite and mundane.
""nice movie you made!""
""do you want to get laid?""
""i believe you're as good as john wayne!""
"
"this pain in my foot is acute.
it is sharp and intense. i salute
  your adroitness.  why not
  let me know how you got
a machete to go through my boot?
"
"words like sinking, harangue, and prolong,
or rethink, antitank, and sarong
  all have agmas for ""n""
  (velar nasals, you ken?);
not like winner, began, or upon.
"
"my airplane has great avionics
(navigation and comm electronics).
  on the days that they fail
  all my passengers pale;
i relax them with cool gin and tonics.
"
"the agencies of my affection
are arrayed in a massive collection.
  i keep them in check
  (though my heart is a wreck)
for fear of a hurtful rejection.
"
"autunite's an ore that fluoresces:
a yellow-green stone that possesses
  rebecca, my gal.
  ""it's called hydrated cal-
cium uranyl phosphate,"" she stresses.
"
"our affairs should be ever discrete;
may our girlfriends and wives never meet.
  if they don't stay asunder
  (if someone should blunder),
may our feet beat a hasty retreat.
"
"i'm athrill with your gentle caress;
there's desire in each nerve i possess.
   you're no monster, my dear,
   but your home is severe:
tell me why you reside in loch ness.
"
"early faeries, so busy, adorn
all the flowers with dew every morn,
  but one atomate petal
  is not in fine fettle
and chastens these vandals with scorn.
"
"your nose is established in space
on the axis that runs down your face.
  this axile location
  has been my salvation:
my glasses rely on this base.
"
"you want both of us coming upstairs?
two at once in your torrid affairs?
  is this every man's dream?
  what a wonderful scheme:
you can frustrate your women in pairs.
"
"the bishop's attacking the queen.
he will take her, you know what i mean?
  then she steps to the side,
  and his passion's denied:
on the black squares he'll never be seen.
"
"his attitude problem was clear;
now he's ruined a budding career.
  the yaw, pitch, and roll
  were all out of control.
never pilot a plane after beer.
"
"i live atwixt labor and strife.
i'm torn atween mistress and wife.
   i work betwixt heels;
   i eat between meals;
and there, in a nutshell: my life.
"
"when gathered at ferdinand's wake,
an aswang said, ""please let me partake
  of the body. i'm starving.
  i'll trade you this carving.
while i'm eating, you folks can have cake.""
"
"you've made bread, but your friends won't partake,
and i think i can see your mistake.
  it's hard as a rock
  since your method is awk:
put the yeast in and then you can bake.
"
"i'm ascending the stair.  as i wend,
doom impends, as i now comprehend.
  i dread and i fear
  what my ears will soon hear,
apprehending the words i'll attend.
"
"our attempt to have sex was abortive
(though my girl could have been more supportive).
  her father walked in
  just as skin touched to skin;
his untimely appearance was thwartive.
"
"""i've permission to cash in this draft.
where's the cash? it's been signed!  it's no graft!
  no, it's not a bum steer:
  note the authorizer here.""
when they saw ""mickey mouse"", they just laughed.
"
"you're aggrieved, and your pain's unabating,
since the loss of your spouse was so grating.
  your sorrow i see,
  but think about me!
let's hasten to bed.  taxi's waiting.
"
"if a doctor has thoughtfully eyed you,
and says, ""i must listen inside you,""
  his aim's auscultation.
  a kiss (osculation)
is a treatment he shouldn't provide you.
"
"the woman with golden brown hair
wears her aureate tresses with flair;
  but her home is so glitzy,
  so gauche it's past ritzy!
overdone, it's an aureate lair.
"
"what's that? your new husband just hunts?
he's a fumbling, sexual dunce?
  this we cannot allow;
  i shall come there right now
and attend to the matter at once.
"
"there's this wacko i know who hates gunge.
if you spill something, bang! he will lunge
  to abolish the mess,
  and then say with finesse,
""the absorber am i, see my sponge?""
"
"your wonderbra's fashioned to tease,
for it serves to exaggerate these.
  your accentuated curves
  really prey on my nerves;
pray remove it posthaste, if you please!
"
"""j'accuse!"" the man pointed my way.
""see the scratches on santa's new sleigh?""
  his accusatory tone
  left me feeling alone;
i was so off the ""nice"" list today.
"
"for years i have lain on this couch.
i can't walk, i can't stand, i can't slouch.
  like a pudding i lie
  limp and waiting to die,
as my atrophied body will vouch.
"
"ahitub's a man long deceased,
who's son, zadok, became the high priest
  at the accession of solomon.
  'twas easy to swallow, mon:
they sang, and they had a great feast.
"
"at the start, many students attend,
but attritive exams must offend.
   half my pupils will quit
   with each test i submit;
there is only one left at the end.
"
"i allege that there's no one but you.
you allege that you've seen us as two.
  i allege you're berserk;
  you allege i'm a jerk;
i allege that she says that's untrue.
"
"five tons is what elephants weigh;
the black one's the sheep that will stray.
  would a change cause a fuss?
  was ever it thus?
the sage on the mountain says, ""ay.""
"
"antifashion?  i'm totally that.
these designers' attempts leave me flat.
  flashy suit and a tie
  just to catch someone's eye?
i just wear a nice smile and a hat.
"
"here's the throne, here's the sceptre and crown;
i have lost all my wish for renown.
  your acceptancy given
  means my life is livin'
like normal, and you'll run the town.
"
"i've taken the dough from the pub;
to the mountains! i run through the scrub.
  'neath the avens so green,
  stash the loot... but it's seen!
for i hear them say, ""aye! there's the shrub.""
"
"you've a brown, black, or darkish-green stone,
a pyroxene, hard silicate grown
  of aluminum bits
  and magnesium. it's
very possibly augite you own.
"
"you've covered the frets with some tar,
tied the strings to the door of your car,
  and then filled it with port;
  your behavior's athwart
my intention to play the guitar.
"
"my government wants me to pay,
with my freedom, for things that i say.
   i've fled from my nation
   to seek liberation:
please grant me asylum, okay?
"
"if an organ's atopic, its station
is not in its normal location.
  in my personal case,
  i have lungs on my face
and admittedly odd respiration.
"
"a box full of steam, used for aging
these textiles, my ager is waging
  a war on the youth.
  i put kids in this booth,
and they exit adults.  how engaging.
"
"i'm extremely inactive, of late.
i will atrophy, limbs will abate
    in their size through disuse;
    but it's not an abuse:
i've decided i gotta lose weight.
"
"my in-laws: i love 'em divinely!
their joking is all done benignly.
  while i was asleep
  they ignited my jeep.
oh, these jesters, related affinely.
"
"the young shouldn't own things i covet!
the old shouldn't drive! oh, i love it!
  the young shouldn't drink,
  the old cannot think.
an ageist? damn right, and proud of it!
"
"he drinks foster's instead of red wine?
""they're not friends, they're me mates,"" is his line?
  a redhead's a ""bluey""?
  his head isn't screwy;
my dinky-di cobber is australian.
"
"you feel different from most of the gang?
does your otherness give you a pang?
   your alterity's not
   quite as rare as you thought:
there are zillions who sing this harangue.
"
"this audacious good cooking you're doing
means audacious bad habits ensuing.
    with audacious good food
    i'm audaciously rude,
and audacious loud burps will be brewing.
"
"an electron, removed from the core
of an atom will open the door
  for one more to descend
  to its place, which may send
a third (auger) electron to soar.
"
"oh, the trumpeter's nuance, technique!
the vibrato! it changed my physique!
  the performance, so filled
  with authority, chilled
my anatomy nearly a week.
"
"the vision of wheat fields is glorious.
the color of gold, it is aureous.
  but my brother hides there,
  so you hikers beware!
his pathology's simply notorious.
"
"this luminous cloud which surrounds me,
an aureole, strangely confounds me.
 then up comes this hick:
 ""make some wine!  heal the sick!""
and when i say ""no,"" he just pounds me.
"
"for dinner i'll tell you my wish:
it's risotto, my favorite dish.
  take some veggies, add rice,
  mix with chicken and spice,
but omit the accessory fish.
"
"i can catch any fish in the sea,
and my manhood's as large as a tree.
  i've had women galore,
  and my car goes mach four;
no aggrandizer's better than me.
"
"the pattern of rhyming you see
in a limerick is easy and free:
  a a b at the top,
  then b a, and then stop.
the asymmetry here is the key.
adding symmetry spoils it for me.
"
"when acetic-type acid is stewed
with glycerin, acetin's brewed.
  then explosives accrue,
  or some solvents for glue,
or a fixative perfumes include.
"
"on a one-person mission to mars,
on my own for a year with the stars,
  i don't fear the unknown,
  just the time i'm alone:
autophobia's carving its scars.
"
"all the cows love my grass, see the smiles?
we have all the best flavors and styles.
  with your cows grazing here
  you'll find rates aren't severe;
my agistment's the lowest for miles.
"
"you wanna graze here?  it ain't free.
the agister will set up the fee.
  for your cows, no severe
  price he sets, but for deer,
well, we're talking big bucks for that, see?
"
"""what's next to be put in the vat?""
""eye of bat!"" ""tail of donkey!"" they spat.
  ""why not me?"" asked the third.
  an agreement was stirred.
the accorder was added, ker-splat!
"
"he shall grant you an audience now.
when before him, at first you must bow;
  then he'll take off his pants.
  you should venture a glance,
and then after a moment, say ""wow.""
"
"this artery's clogged, nothing's flowing;
life's pressure and stress are all showing.
  i'll rest when i'm dead,
  so let's get out the lead:
get your cars off the road, or get going!
"
"""may i smoke my cigar?"" ""with all speed.""
""can i please have your car?"" ""yes indeed.""
you say ""yes"" to each plea;
it's a stone guarantee.
your acceptingness kindles my greed.
"
"a hard bit of luck, this aphasia.
a language loss surely will crasia.
  though limericks i write,
  in spite of my plight,
the fact that i can should amasia.
"
"a priest who has no affability
will likely be feeling futility.
  if he won't be befriended,
  his flock goes untended:
confession's a weak possibility.
"
"my husband's not here, he's awork
at abank where he works as aclerk.
  when he's home, he's abed,
  and our love is adead.
my mom says i married ajerk.
"
"oh the chills! oh the sweat! oh the heat!
(i'm too dizzy and weak to repeat.)
  oh the aguish feeling!
  my fevered head's reeling!
i'm dreading the things i'll excrete.
"
"there's a little known village called kett
where the ruler's young son is in debt.
  so the king says, ""serve meals
  till it's paid.""  the boy feels
the ascendant descendant's regret.
"
"the waiter affords us fine food;
the enchanting aromas obtrude.
  but then comes the bill,
  and my mother feels ill;
she could never afford what's accrued.
"
"ancient persian girls live in my mind.
their voices, so sweet and refined,
  speak avestan, and say
  in their ladylike way:
""let us out, for we're cramped and confined!""
"
"the conductor had aired his new air
with a bearing and air of affair.
  played sans error, i'll dare
  to compare: i will swear
it was fairer than clare's derri?re.
"
"when opened, your ale's a sensation.
leave it out, you promote fermentation.
  now it's alegar, chappy;
  this vinegar's crappy!
lamentations! a vile transformation!
"
"i was wheezing and coughing and stressed,
when my doctor announced his request:
""may i auscultate you?
with your lungs full of goo,
i must tappety-tap on your chest.""
"
"for a vacuum, you need one that sucks.
i call this one my super deluxe.
  for removal of dust,
  this here baby's a must,
with attachments for sofas and ducks.
"
"young jack climbed a beanstalk, they say,
and he pilfered a harp that would play
  by itself. how terrific.
  a goose that's aurific
was also purloined on that day.
"
"if you suffer unduly from flu,
and the ache in your bones makes you blue,
  then agueweed heals
  (sadly, science reveals
that your liver could die from the brew).
"
"get the catapult ready, apace!
now put helmeted puppies in place!
  we shall level the huts
  with our warrior mutts
as the dogs are sent arcing through space.
"
"when the feedback's aversive, it's meant
as a punishment. there's no descent
  into rancor or bile....
  oh, you like it?  you smile?
that was certainly not my intent.
"
"i assess what gets found every week.
(a museum's no place for the meek.)
  the authenticator's task:
  finding fakes to unmask.
oh, yes! such dramatic mystique!
"
"a mutation while building my clone
caused his lycine-free cells to be sown.
 what his cells haven't got
 is replaced by a shot;
auxotrophic things die on their own.
"
"the collision occurred accidentally.
my handling was meant to be gentle, lee.
i've no aim to maim you,
assault you, or lame you:
it's more fun abusing you mentally.
"
"the lady fitzsimmons deharris
was teaching her neighbor from paris:
  ""the tapestry's edge
   skirts the molding's sharp ledge:
the arras was hung from the arris.""
"
"something annual yearly appears.
half as often's biannual, dears.
  and a twice-a-year do
  is biannual too
(semiannual also one hears).
"
"this acholia's really a drag!
my digestion's encountered a snag.
  the bile just won't move;
  now i'm out of my groove.
my intestines will zig, but won't zag.
"
"in an advert, the charming presenter
hawked gadgets produced by her mentor.
  ""are you small? be a trooper,
  and please buy our super
augmenter, or elsewise augmentor.""
"
"this pipe can play only one key,
without one accidental, you see?
 it sounds very static
 to be achromatic,
perpetually playing in g.
"
"""autecology's swell,"" says amanda.
""i shall dwell on the species called 'panda.'""
  ""it's not zen,"" answers ben.
  ""look at everything.  then
you will see interactions much granda!""
"
"a balloon rubbed against a toupee
and then pushed to the ceiling will stay.
with electrons all veering,
it keeps on adhering
'til static charge passes away.
"
"an autoecist won't stray from his post:
this parasite lives on one host.
  my son follows suit,
  and it's no longer cute.
he's been haunting our couch like a ghost.
"
"give me audience, heed what i say;
we must hurry! no time to delay,
  for those white-coated men
  have now found me again,
and they're coming to take me away.
"
"the first to the finish gets laid!
the stupidest bet ever made,
but that agonism meant
my last chance for consent:
the following day i was spayed.
"
"with your help, i have now made you cuter,
adjutrix, who once was adjutor;
  we have altered your sex
  from xy to xx;
let us see what will happen with neuter.
"
"so her bust has inspired your lust,
caused your passionate heart to combust.
  now your auto's in flames?
  the insurance man claims
this report will be tough to adjust.
"
"they've arrived here from space for salvation,
but the government forced isolation.
  now they're separate, alone;
  this condition's been shown
to cause feelings of alienation.
"
"my honey has left me alone.
she's departed for places unknown,
  but i managed with smartness
  to end this apartness;
i've met a new woman called joan.
"
"if a gram is too weighty and crude,
if it's bulky and boorish and rude,
  use this measure i've tried:
  take a gram and divide
by a mole. it's an avogram, dude.
"
"the apple-cheeked girl said, ""hello.""
she was muffled, and standing in snow.
though her cheeks were quite rosy,
i feared that her toesy
were frozy, and so i said, ""no.""
"
"i read futures in barley cakes, dice,
cards of tarot, the entrails of mice,
  gusts of wind, burning plants,
  and behavior of ants,
and i'll augurate now using lice.
"
"ol' jim needer was lying abed,
and they knew he was inches from dead.
  his kinfolk all oozed
  artificialness fused
with impatience?the will must be read!
"
"my avulsion of leg (its subtraction)
provokes a convulsive reaction.
i look, then i stare.
my appendage ain't there!
it's been left to its own putrefaction.
"
"my pulse lacks a regular beat.
it degrades when i rise from my seat.
 this arrhythmia curse
 is eleven times worse
than a limerick that doesn't scan right in the last few feet.
"
"a lonely young man sees a lass
full of poise and resplendent with class.
   her demeanor, so prim,
   quickly actuates him
to approach her and then make a pass.
"
"your axillar odor lacks charm,
and your pits do significant harm.
  keep your arm at your side;
  you're offending the pride
of the animals here at the farm.
"
"""later bedtimes! more snacks! more tv!
less homework! no veggies for me!""
he proceeded apace
with his advocacy case
while his wife simply stared at the sea.
"
"ze pasta we drown, as you wish,
and we blacken filets of ze fish.
  but ze oysters compel
  a style au naturel,
for ze sauce overpowers ze dish.
"
"in delhi, our ayah is grand:
keeps an eye on our son on demand.
  so we haven't the least
  bit to do with the beast.
i believe his name's eddie, offhand.
"
"he divided the land he'd acquired
among two million folks he admired.
  a one-foot-square plot
  was what each of them got
as this alienation transpired.
"
"i make robots of all the machines
that are used by my wife when she cleans.
if michelle says, ""hey chris,
please automatize this!""
then i do, so her life's like a queen's.
"
"""this food is so good; it's delish.
can you tell me the name of this dish?""
""it's so tasty, like salmon,
and lovely to jam in
your mouth. why it's ayu, the fish!""
"
"oh azrael, hearken, i pray.
i fear my life ends here today.
  come, angel of death,
  and observe my last breath,
and then safeguard my soul on its way.
"
"take a glass and add four cubes of ice,
then add grapefruit juice: two shots is nice.
  add a shot of light rum,
  and you have it.  will some
amnionic (hic) fluid entice?
"
"the children invasion's begun.
these miscreants! get me a gun!
  they crawl down the halls,
  out of ceilings and walls,
and afflictively want to have fun!
"
"this here medical weed can postpone
chemotherapy pains, it's been shown.
  an agricolist, i
  and my crops get you high,
but it's cool: they're organically grown.
"
"affineurs spend their time aging cheeses
down in caves, till the pungency pleases.
  i think kids should be aged
  underground, but enraged
""public servants"" all whine re diseases.
"
"it's au pair, this arrangement we've made:
we shall trade our affections unpaid.
   first your service to me,
   then i'll answer for free,
and we both have a chance to get laid.
"
"my auxiliary sloop's rather nifty.
with its engine, i won't be adrifty.
  when the wind doesn't blow,
  i could still make it go
if i just had some gas.  i'm too thrifty.
"
"ol' man petey loves gin.  man, he craves it.
he keeps every bottle?engraves it.
  to spill gin is a sin.
  drop a glass? he dives in
and with agileness, deftly, he saves it.
"
"a chromosome, same in both sexes,
is an autosome, though it perplexes.
  if varied by gender
  one name you could tender
is gonosome?or y's and x's.
"
"""ah, your sister! my head's all aswirl!
i'm determined to give her a whirl.""
   ""oh come now! proclaim
   an accomplishable aim.
only girls get her legs to unfurl.""
"
"""to breathe underwater's a cinch!
dip your feet in and hang from a winch,
  then move gradually down.
  to be sure you don't drown,
stop to acclimate once every inch.""
"
"angry fruit salad's a phrase
that a hacker might use for displays
  having widgets that show
  a cacophonous glow,
since the colors, so loud, cause malaise.
"
"my admin's exceedingly picky.
called her ""typist"" and now it's quite sticky.
  we're no longer friends,
  but i'll soon make amends:
henceforward i'm calling her ""chickie.""
"
"the affirmer strode in from the west.
""x is true, and to y i attest.
   i assert z is so.
   i agree with you, bro.""
(when he didn't know something, he guessed.)
"
"contented, she never matured,
since the income she had was assured.
   she just spent as she chose,
   living life in repose,
while the payouts from trust funds endured.
"
"argentinian australs are dough
that you spend at a store or a show.
 a financial inspection
 and austral projection
tells kids what they'll get when you go.
"
"a girl at my school made me drool,
but was cruel and i felt like a fool.
aphrodisiac maid
made me want to get laid,
but a shower has helped me to cool.
"
"who says that we agers are gray?
we turn lamps on and watch them all day.
  when the bulbs die, we change them,
  then log and arrange them!
our agenda is dazzling, i'd say.
"
"certain enzymes, at sites allosteric,
can bind compounds producing numeric
adjustments in speed
so reactions will heed
regulation of sorts esoteric.
"
"he smiled, though old age strained his eyes, an'
the years had since drained captain theissen.
for blind pilots don't die;
no, my child, they just fly
towards that last artificial horizon.
"
"all the plantae show strange alternation
in the ploidy of each generation.
when gametophytes mate,
these young haploids create
a new diploid, a fresh variation.
"
"cleopatra, lovelorn and depressed,
sought the bite of an asp at her breast.
'twas a lit'ral angina
pectoris (well, kinda:
hers didn't portend heart arrest).
"
"if a crystal's anhydrous, its knack
is to filch h2o, then to pack
it in holes finely set
so the powder's not wet.
some change color when water comes back.
"
"when water is mixed with ammonia
the first tells the second, ""i'll loan ya
h+, so you'll be
cationic. and me?
a hydroxide. good deal? then nice knowin' ya.""
"
"when you play allargando it means
that you pace with the grandness of queens.
but the literal term
means your belly's not firm
and you no longer fit in your jeans.
"
"finest masers and cesium beckoned
to devise a way time could be reckoned:
when the microwaves knock
we atomically clock
about 9 billion cycles a second.
"
"fetoproteins, unseen since the womb,
when they surge late in life, may spell doom.
if they're alpha, the answer
may be liver cancer ?
more tests may yet save you from gloom.
"
"sometimes alpha- to greek words is wed
(before vow'ls, alpha nu-'s used instead).
their english derivatives
we call alpha privatives.
they mean the reverse of what's said.
"
"on the floor, by that senator's chair,
my contraption gets many a stare.
you ask why? i say, ""well,
anemometry'd tell
just how fast was these speakers' hot air!""
"
"secretions will vary by gland
as to how the secreting is planned.
cells could fill up with juice
(whole or part), then cut loose;
that's the holo- or apocrine brand.
"
"go and spin a ship's wheel. pick a section.
imagine its downward projection
on the plane of the deck.
the line traced by this speck
indicates the athwartships direction.
"
"a costly electrical tool,
the attenuator follows this rule:
whopping signals go in
but emerge weak and thin?
like an amp that was built by a fool.
"
"take an alkane, and pick a location;
pop an ""h"" off ? a curious castration! ?
that's an alkyl you've got.
if you plug the sore spot
with a compound, that's called alkylation.
"
"count your equal-sized chromosome factions
that result from meiotic cell actions.
any integer's fine.
they're called euploid: good sign!
but you're aneuploid when you get fractions.
"
"for their lords, in a grand roman villa,
slaved a servus and female ancilla.
now that girl lends her title
to aids that give vital
support (her one remnant scintilla).
"
"alkoxides, those rather strong bases,
form when protons are pulled from their places
off the alcohol group,
making oxygens swoop
to snag protons back in their embraces.
"
"if our cellular aims should demand
that an rna transcript be canned
we match u, a; g, c;
and the message-to-be
is fast nulled by this antisense strand.
"
"yes, edison's bulb (of great lore)
lit the homestead and fact'ry and store,
but 'twas not the first light
to have sparked up the night ?
for the arc lamp had done that before.
"
"the ""blue screen of death"" has appeared!
this program is worse than i feared.
  this vile application
  was such a temptation,
but all of my work's disappeared.
"
"i abominate jeffrey completely;
he just smiles all the while, and so sweetly!
   he will never complain,
   and it drives me insane!
his remains i'll dispose of discreetly.
"
"an amphipod isn't a flea;
it won't be found living on me.
they like hops on the beach
and old seaweed; their speech
is unknown, and their circus is free.
"
"on the mediterranean coast,
alexandria, egypt's our post,
  where we strive to divine
  whether euclid drank wine
and on which side he buttered his toast.
"
"on our bumper are stickers galore
that describe what we like and abhor.
  application of stickers
  at first gave us snickers,
but we can't lift the hatch any more.
"
"he affably tightened the screws,
and he smiled while inflicting the bruise.
  he was filled with good cheer
  as he gnawed off my ear.
i smiled back; i had nothing to lose.
"
"autological, rendered in verse:
words that mean what they are.  please rehearse:
  adjectival, e.g.,
  fifteen-lettered (you see?);
then there's pentasyllabic and terse.
"
"that woman's the greatest allurer,
says many a gentleman juror.
   her looks aren't distracting;
   her means of attracting?
low rates as a mortgage insurer.
"
"availability: when you are free.
infertility: babyless, see?
fragility: frailness.
virility: maleness.
senility: huh? you mean me?
"
"alone in the desert, i scream.
i've found signs of this plant family's theme:
on this cactus so cute
i see spine-covered fruit.
it's a-(ouch!)-canthocarpous, i deem.
"
"gracious mother of god, thee i hail:
bless?d, thou and thy virgin-born male!
holy mary, today,
and in death, for us pray:
may thy just intercessions prevail.
"
"""dearest son, now that man's been restored
from sin's wages, turn now heaven-toward:
forty days since you rose
from your earthly repose,
it's ascension day"": thus saith the lord.
"
"the dollar? the pound? guarani?
no! the ""rich"" cells all use atp!
since it offers a whole
50 kj per mole,
this here compound's their energy fee.
"
"many christians felt saul's zealous fist
'til the lord asked the man to desist,
then to get on his side
and to write (have you tried
this apostle's epistles to list?).
"
"a suburbanite, sick of the sprawl,
bought a tropical island (quite small).
but it showed on no screens,
being high by no means:
not a truly tall atoll at all.
"
"when nitrogen, trivalent friend,
three chains from itself does extend,
or swaps one, two, or three
for some ""h,"" shout with glee:
""this here thing's an amine, i contend!""
"
"unless you are told to await
by apparent time, trust in the rate
of your watch. through no guile,
e'en your best sunny dial
apparently might make you late.
"
"a dieting atom?quite comic!?
aspired through means gastronomic
to nucleons shed
(but transmuted instead!)
losing 10 small mass units atomic.
"
"agnus dei (god's lamb, now we pray)
qui tollis (?who takest away)
peccata (our sin?)
nobis (far from our kin)
miserere (thy vengeance to stay).
"
"when you access your files from a drive
it takes time for those bits to revive:
first the head's got to move,
and then wait while the groove
turns beneath, ere your data arrive.
"
"aruba, my cat, feels aversion
to his parts undergoing aspersion.
he'll fight for his life
using claws like a knife
when there's imminent threat of immersion.
"
"as a rock star, i've many adorers;
at concerts, the screamers and roarers
  are always around . . .
  oh my gosh, what's that sound?
on the roof i hear more of those horrors!
"
"an acknowledged curmudgeon, he's mean,
he's obscene, he's unkempt, full of spleen.
  but his heart melts for kittens.
  he has one named ""mittens.""
grown up, she'll become haute cuisine.
"
"dagwood sandwich: construction is hellish.
take a half loaf of bread and embellish:
tons of cheeses and meat,
gobs of mayo. how neat!
when it's done, i attack it with relish.
"
"the monarch's the role i've assumed;
the previous king has been doomed.
he was not labeled mean,
neither base nor obscene,
but persistently shabbily groomed.
"
"stuff this teach doesn't probably school.
amusing but, possibly, cruel.
  read to cleverness needs it.
  see you, backwards reads it?
out this figure eventually you'll.
"
"the azyme's a bread that won't rise.
it's unleavened, a passover ""prize"".
   i am  taking a stand:
   it's traditional, bland.
i will eat it, but only with fries.
"
"my leg rises up from the floor,
to the knee. then it goes up some more.
  at the top of this trip
  it's attached to the hip
in the small acetabular bore.
"
"so my terror of martians is funny?
just forget them and life would be sunny?
but i tell you, this guy
set his ray gun on ""fry,""
and my actualized fear took my money.
"
"i command your beliefs to come out;
give in to suspicion and doubt!
this religion won't do,
i shall atheize you.
deny god, or he'll bring on a drought!
"
"above the escape wheel, a crown
called the anchor would swing itself down
'twixt the cogs, which gave way
only one tick per sway,
bringing hooke great (and timely) renown.
"
"too much weight bearing down from afar?
feeling crushed by the place where you are?
join your friends! decompress
where the pressure is less:
stay a while at our sea-surface bar.
"
"an absorber lets current still flow
briefly after your switch flips to ""no,""
thus removing the hitch
of a spark-damaged switch
since the voltage goes down nice and slow.
"
"displaced water whose home you deny
presses down with its weight as to try
to return. so a boat
made of lead can still float
if its shape forces water up high.
"
"when two bones come together to meet,
an absconsio says how they greet.
from the latin for hide,
it means one dives inside
of the other; this makes the joint neat.
"
"much like water spun round in an eddy,
certain women are less than rock-steady.
near each twenty-eighth day
we men break down and say:
""can you please be anestrous already?""
"
"esteemed apolipoprotein,
is your lipid friend none to be seen?
hitched in globes, you'll then bob
in the blood where you'll glob
with triglycerides carried between.
"
"a chap who was musically bored
changed the fifth of his dominant chord:
by a half step he raised it
(""augmented,"" he phrased it)?
his v-to-i movement's adored.
"
"if two parts of your mouth are held near
as you phonate, the sound that you hear
is no vowel, but its kin?
half a beat lies therein;
your approximant lands on my ear.
"
"few things make an englishman madder
than the tongue's quick alveolar clatter,
tapping t's just like d's?
brits are quite ill at ease
when those yanks pronounce ladder like latter.
"
"aspiration refers to the puff
that we make when a stop's not enough?
why the p that's in pit
is unlike that of spit?
but its conscious control can be tough.
"
"latin tussis means phlegm will abound,
and you'll hack, and your chest you will pound.
for such tosse or tos
while abroad, have a dose
of the great antitussives around.
"
"your azimuth (your yaw or your bearing)
describes how your movement is squaring
against the set lines
that a compass defines?
don't misread it and leave your group swearing.
"
"want a rather self-centered projection
where, in each azimuthal direction,
shortest paths appear straight?
squash the globe like a plate;
that's your fine equidistant confection.
"
"the axon (this structure conducts
nervous impulses out) is the crux
of both neurons and nerves
as our bodies it serves
with potassium/sodium flux.
"
"most actinides tend to decay
through radioactivit?.
they're a group most unstable
way down on the table
where heavier elements stay.
"
"three cheers for the guy who invented
a chord from the sixth that's augmented!
tritone beats push it out
with three foreigners' clout,
and the bass falls by step. i'm contented!
"
"aichmophobia's common in tots
as the nurse is preparing their shots.
though the jabbing is quick,
still, they're spooked by the prick,
but it's better than swellings and spots.
"
"take a violently fast-changing wave;
use my slow one to give it a shave.
now with my voice it speaks
through its pattern of peaks:
you've encoded the sound that i gave.
"
"carbon atoms define a.m.u.
but the gram-mass is standardized too.
by their ratio, thus set,
we acknowledge our debt
to this scientist's chemical view.
"
"since we're bored of amines, perhaps we'll
fix an n-group to carbonyl's heel.
but such bonds, not quite single,
with neighbors commingle
(a specially amide-like feel).
"
"judge heavyman (thick in the thighs)
rounded up all his peers, sage and wise.
when a page on the spot
saw the sight, he could not
but exclaim, ""what a gen'rous assize!""
"
"god's atemporal. time, though, holds sway
on the cosmos, which (scientists say)
with a bang did commence!
boundless age makes no sense:
how'd we ever arrive at today?
"
"in transistors of junctions bipolar,
the base is a current comptroller:
though its own pay is cheap,
it can capably keep
stringent tabs on its neighboring high-roller.
"
"if a traveling wave should reflect
and turn back toward the source and collect
more than unity gain,
then your tube will sustain
oscillations to which you'll object.
"
"if your ears are beginning to bleed,
then a backoff might be what you need.
just dial backward from sat
(where the transfer is flat)
while the input and output recede.
"
"a filter that passes one band
blocks out signals from regions not spanned
by its frequency range.
through it, music sounds strange
(without treble or bass, it's quite bland).
"
"start on f. spiral outwards from there:
that's an f that you're writing?with flair!
to the right of this clef,
two more dots straddle f.
(miss the theme? then you haven't a prayer.)
"
"the chance?given rain is around?
that it thunders is easily found
as the chance of rain, under
the chance that there's thunder,
times raininess during that sound.
"
"where a foliot vainly would swing
back and forth 'round its verge on a string,
came a trustier wheel
that would balance, then reel,
as it tugged back and forth on a spring.
"
"those ol' greeks, they were really quite slick,
what with horses of wood and that schtick.
if one says he will pay
on his greek kalends day,
chase him down, cause there ain't! it's a trick!
"
"that our nation, against every odd,
overseen by a vigilant god,
hath sprung up and remained
doth suggest we have gained
(deus annuit coeptis) his nod.
"
"if you back-form, you're often berated,
since your endings are falsely unmated
(like the suffix i smote
to give birth to emote).
through such error, new words are created.
"
"letter alpha means ""first to be found.""
with this meaning, the foll'wing abound:
software, rays, and organics.
but the glyph in mechanics
means ""spinning-e'er-faster-around.""
"
"one chap with a piddling iq
had a neurodendritic review.
gasped the doc, ""ho!  see, these
look like sticks, not like trees:
seems your arborization's askew!""
"
"a clumsy old hack, name of jack,
ran his checkered cab into a shack.
he imagined with dread
next-day papers that read,
""jack's ataxia: taxi attack!""
"
"shall we drink standing water, not springs?
shall we study thrice-translated things?
if we can, we, of course,
hearken back to the source!
thus ad fontes enlightenment brings.
"
"pinyin j as in china's beijing?
from what place does this consonant sing?
q and x, the same way,
unlike ""zhay"" or our ""jay,""
have alveolo-palatal sting.
"
"for musicians, a common bad dream
is pursuit by a murderous theme.
though they sprint, they, in vain,
augmentation sustain,
and they wake (with a slow-moving scream).
"
"take a dactyl from latin or greek.
to this meter, the proud ""strong-weak-weak,""
strike the end such a blow
that it flips, head to toe:
lo! the ""anapest,"" prosody's peak!
"
"if god's better cannot be conceived,
reasoned anselm, and what is achieved
in mere thought's not so great
as what's real, then i state:
god is real, and he'd best be believed.
"
"you can do scads of work if you free
the pizzazz from your stored atp.
but of languor you'll smack
if your body should lack
atpase to back that mad spree.
"
"for self-immune damage restraining,
the thymus does antigen training.
those cells that are grown
who would battle our own
are removed; we release the remaining.
"
"accelerate: ""faster and faster.""
but if angular, spinning you master.
always stay in control
of your torque's driving role
or you'll whirl into utter disaster.
"
"so brief is my span of attention,
i can't track things from mention to mention,
and what seems to be new
is but true d??wait, who
are?hey, pamphlets on fire prevention!
"
"a niente means ""melting away
into nothingness""; all that will stay
is the sad echoes' bleak
dying gasp (or the squeak
as your bow or your cords cease to play).
"
"having toiled all my life, having whiled
away hours so rapt and beguiled,
sans acknowledgement?well,
i can say, let me tell
you?i still feel that fortune has smiled.
"
"horny hal faced, with mounting frustration,
the uncomfortable realization
(having struck thirty strikes)
that for him, the verb likes
was an antisymmetric relation.
"
"a composer who felt quite ignored
took a cue from the chap they adored,
wrote a fourth (but more plump),
had one voice leap that jump ?
and was duly run through with a sword.
"
"an alkoxy's an ether's one side
(ethers being two chains by o tied).
that oxygenous heart
lends its name to one part,
with the other left oxy-denied.
"
"if a mere common noun names you well
or a term has specifics to tell
(like ivan the relative),
we call them appellative,
like naming in french: je m'appelle.
"
"around here, i'm exposed to ascriptions
whose causes defy all descriptions:
""write that neat'r!"" ""what bad meter!""
""you're a big rhyming cheater!""
in response, i have fits of conniptions.
"
"birefringence: a crystal displays
diff'rent indices going two ways.
thus, a light-splitting action
called double refraction
makes adjacent cross-polarized rays.
"
"our baroreceptors maintain
the pressure of blood. ascertain-
ing this level are nerves
where the great vessel curves
and in vessels that lead to the brain.
"
"an axial view of your head
can be had from the tip of your bed
or by medical scan;
in the latter you can
see a big fluid x, it is said.
"
"""unto others, you always should do
just as you'd have them do unto you,""
so the set theorist cried,
""let this rule be your guide:
asymmetric relations eschew!""
"
"alkene hydrogens?wondering about
how to name them? i'll settle all doubt:
paired vinylics will stand
guarding double-bond land,
with allylics the next layer out.
"
"""spend the night, jim? or is it 'goodbye'?""
anticipant of his reply
(of his answer assured),
candy hardly demurred:
""?and fetch ropes that are easy to tie.""
"
"plants grow taller from cells at their peak.
(well, until they meet pruners' technique.)
when that meristem's chopped,
growing apically's stopped
and the plant starts a lateral streak.
"
"if your work has been trustily done
and you're sailing off into the sun,
the great masts of your craft
cast their trace, fore and aft:
their shadows alongship will run.
"
"yes, you can come in; you've permission.
adhibition's assured, sans condition.
  but you? stay away;
  you'll not enter today.
prohibition for you's my volition.
"
"achira is one of those terms
that a botanist student confirms
  is a flower so sweet,
  or its root (which you eat).
what it tastes like's a big canna worms.
"
"old eli, high priest, served the lord
down in shiloh; both sons he ignored.
he ceded his powers
his final few hours
to ahitub, his grandson adored.
"
"my affair with the clerk was so sordid,
the worst that was ever recorded.
when reck'ning the cost,
reputation i've lost,
the whole thing could not be afforded.
"
"""my life,"" said the bug, ""is bucolic,
because i am ametabolic.
i'm not rearranged,
my form is unchanged.
metamorphosis? no!  i just frolic.""
"
"a person from northwestern france
(of celtic extraction, by chance)
once was known as armoric.
a fact most historic.
they probably wore funny pants.
"
"to make ayahuasca anew,
put some vines and some leaves in a stew.
  then you contemplate things
  with the insight it brings
when you're stoned on this odd little brew.
"
"when the stripper's white dress hit the floor,
the attendants all shouted for more,
  so i started to dance
  and unfasten my pants;
but the audience ran for the door.
"
"i lie in agrostis alone.
among these tall grasses i'm prone.
  my love is sincere,
  but if you won't come near,
lend an ear and i'll fashion a clone.
"
"i've authored these pamphlets to tell
of the sounding of doom.  hear the knell!
   you'd best send me your money
   as quick as a bunny.
you don't and you're goin' to hell!
"
"a bypass, or anastomosis,
bridges structures where they approach closes'.
some, our surgeons perform;
yet disease (not the norm)
can cause ""fistulae"" ? those are the grosses'.
"
"i am finding my faculties stalled;
i'm enraptured, astonied, enthralled;
i'm too awestruck to sigh!
you ask, ""zit-face, but why?""
""well, that hottie, from english? she called!""
"
"a polygon's apothem straight
(with apothegm do not conflate!)
drawn from center, mid-side,
gives the radius applied
to inscribing its circular mate.
"
"an accent aigu might combine
with a plain letter e and incline
up and right; thus to say,
""this ain't uh?this is ay,""
when my writing with french i refine.
"
"""things to do"" is the gist of agenda;
""things to add"" is the thrust of addenda.
n-d-a's how we say
""it must happen this way!""
pud- means ""shame""; guess the pith of pudenda.
"
"an accompt is an olden account,
irrespective of if, in that fount,
were kept monies or words
(if the former, then nerds
called accomptants maintained its amount).
"
"by keeping their evidence sparse,
you have made my decision a farce.
since you've nothing to hide,
let me hear from their side:
audiatur et altera pars.
"
"there's a book i've been aiming to get.
to receive it, i'll glue and reset
all the pieces you rent
and then gradually sent:
it's an old ante litteram 'net!
"
"all our trophies and talents we lay
at your feet, lord, to use as you may,
that the world worship, kneeling,
your glory's revealing:
maiorem ad gloriam dei.
"
"the scooby doo gang (seen their vids?)
would put all sorts of crooks on the skids:
""i'd transgress as intended
if not apprehended
along of you meddling kids!""
"
"a succulent-gardener i know
likes to bore through his plants and then throw
the poor things in the basement
and joke of their placement:
""'ello, 'ollow aloe alow!""
"
"having whupped the amalekites, saul
smashed up most of their swag ? but not all.
""spurn god's charge?"" raged a prophet.
""that's his throne. get off it!"":
saul's pyrrhic amalekite brawl.
"
"from the pacemaker's lofty abode
comes the signal to beat; and its road
is a systole fall,
down the right septal wall,
through the atrioventricular node.
"
"""that singing, nicht gut! now atone!""
herr konduktor sneered down from his throne.
jenn ""atonal"" misheard,
sang (no penitent word),
and most promptly the exit was shown.
"
"think an arcminute's small? try a second!
in that unit is parallax reckoned,
and the width of a star!
so when arcminutes are
writ as ""wee,"" to my soapbox i'm beckoned.
"
"""thin king agma,"" inspecting the range
of his letters, thought this to be strange:
that the n that is heard
when ""thin king"" is one word
undergoes a phonetical change.
"
"they say ars (all our portraits and plays)
is the simia (apes, phrase for phrase),
either veri (what's real?
what we see, touch, and feel)
or naturae (or nature's own ways).
"
"they balked when i said i would start 'em,
and protested (i had to outsmart 'em!)?
now my paintings they hide;
i exult with great pride!
for in art, we celamus the artem.
"
"said the classicist, ""though it's excessive,
i'll admit that this case is expressive.
to be near means the same
as adesse; i'll name
any 'place on or near' the adessive.""
"
"""aut caesar aut nihil!"" this cry,
along with ""i'll win or i'll die!""
means i'll scheme and beguile
to make top of the pile
and no less: ""do or don't; there's no 'try.'""
"
"is the width of that cortex too narrow?
is the signal too bright in that marrow?
trust your shapes and your lines
(radiology signs),
but check first for the sign of the arrow.
"
"the conics, those shapes we explain
by the crossing of cones and a plane,
we can also define
by a focus and line?
the directrix. it's more of a pain.
"
"an anodized metal's been coated.
in a vat of electrolytes floated,
it has seen oxidation,
a filmy creation
that gives the protection oft noted.
"
"those biologists claim with great pleasure
that these twosomes are life's greatest treasure,
but nitrogenous pairs
on their helical stairs
are to me but a unit of measure.
"
"we surmise more than one shocked apostle,
upon seeing the comeback colossal
of the christ, who'd been hung,
had a cat get his tongue?
in a sense, they were rendered aglossal.
"
"if your love note's too racy to mention,
ensure at all costs the prevention
of the crowds it might draw
as all boorishly paw
at your letter: address with attn.
"
"when electrons are rudely knocked loose,
others take up their place and produce
a spectrum distinct
and intrinsically linked
to the source that we've harnessed for use.
"
"if you suffer positional pain
in your head, you might find in your brain
a small colloid-filled ball
in a ventricle's wall,
intermittently blocking the drain.
"
"dermoid cysts: these odd tumors combine
skin and bone, teeth and hairs that entwine,
plus others i missed,
all enclosed in a cyst.
they are monstrous?but mostly benign.
"
"if you stare at a cloudless blue sky,
you will see tiny flashes flit by.
this blue-field entoptic
phenomenon optic-
ally demonstrates cells in your eye.
"
"antilogs un-log a tree
hewn each time by a factor of e.
every 1 you supply
grows it e times more high.
(for short, you can write exp.)
"
"glu and asp are like warring twin brothers:
one's existence detracts from the other's.
the conversion from one
to the other is done
with the aid of this catalyst's druthers.
"
"said berta, ""i've got a confession:
though you thought i devised the expression
for 'erythrocyte center,'
i'm not the inventor:
german delle means 'dent' or 'depression.'""
"
"if a paper's a0, its face
contains one square meter of space;
height-to-width stays ?2
all the way down the queue
as we tally each folding. (what grace!)
"
"with the shade of her wings far below,
as she pleases, just so shall she go.
this brave flight's lofty line
is of her own design,
alis propriis volat to show.
"
"to win at all costs, please the throng
and make popular vows (e'en if wrong)!
but don't dare feign surprise
when they label your guise
as the ol' ad captandum-type song.
"
"like a finger, the allyl projects
from the compound to which it connects.
but in place of the nail
is a double-bond tail
which has minor deshielding effects.
"
"the stress of most research contractual
may cause findings whose truth isn't actual.
""thick red pus!"" do you doubt?
then you'd better point out:
""um, that's ketchup, and quite artifactual.""
"
"when we outer from inner divide,
the term cortex (for ""bark"") is applied
to cerebral or renal
or even adrenal?
while medulla means what is inside.
"
"chinese characters: though it is said
they're just pictures, that's fiction. instead,
in four-fifths of the list,
one part hints at the gist,
while another hints how it is read.
"
"the twins (who were monozygotic)
embraced with a fervor hypnotic,
but their parents, who'd split,
merely found them a bit
uncontrollably antimitotic.
"
"when two masses, from any direction,
approach, then the path of inflection
gravitation supplies
as they dance in the skies
is the shape of a huge conic section.
"
"articulation's the name we adopt
that calls out how your airflow is stopped,
how the sound is then mixed,
and what structure is fixed,
and against it, what structure you've propped.
"
"if a lady's a saint who is glowing
with a halo of truth, the foregoing
declare to her ear.
(but she must not mishear!)
""i like when your aureole's showing.""
"
"see my pupil, my eye's roundest apple.
this window's one role is to grapple
to seize light (or a sight
that invokes my delight,
such as one i might wed in a chapel).
"
"when your souls, so you feel, are homogenous,
and you tire of amusements exogenous,
if she proffers a zone
whereupon skills to hone?
do confirm it's spelled er-, not aerogenous.
"
"waiting queued behind one who's demonstrant
of waffling makes me remonstrant.
(""want some fries?"" ? ""aye,"" he'll say,
and alternately, ""nay."")
for inconstancy's worst when it's constant.
"
"""you both left your command? oh, for shame!
who's at fault?"" fingers pointing the blame,
the guilty defectors'
antiparallel vectors
lined up, but they differed in aim.
"
"two arguing romans professed
that each knew what these letters expressed.
as they fought, i was faced
with a horrible taste?
like the milk of a she-lupine breast.
"
"if a runner proceeds antidromically,
hold your bet; you will lose! howso comically
he may run, about-face,
or with negative pace,
you will pay through your nose, astronomically.
"
"if you've suffered a right-sided stroke,
yet the pet adds the left, it's no joke.
for diaschisis may
now be well underway:
one part died, so another part broke.
"
"in your mouth goes a protein intact,
linked by peptide bonds, matter of fact!
aminopeptidase splits
off n-terminal bits,
which your gut will most gladly extract.
"
"we to complement compliments pay:
once this system awakes to the fray,
watch the rings it will build;
through them microbes are killed,
and we live to enjoy one more day.
"
"""in 'she's fat,'"" explained tom, ""fat's a predicate.
in 'fat hos are a potent emetic' it
is attributive, steve.""
(tom's strengths, i believe,
lie rather in grammar than etiquette.)
"
"adrenaline makes you adepter
and ready to fight, not inepter,
when your instinct's defense.
how's your brawn made to tense?
by your alpha-adrenergic receptor.
"
"if some mutants would die on your plate,
but your chemical alters their fate,
then your brew, we assert,
makes mutations revert
(or develop). so ends that debate!
"
"the liberal gasped with affright
as he learned from his doc that despite
such a left-leaning bent,
dextro- actually meant
that, to science, he leaned to the right.
"
"if you sample your waveforms too slow
(less than double the rate that they go)
reconstruction is vain,
made impure by this stain:
higher frequencies add to the low.
"
"here's a musical joy that i know:
chorale preludes. to these, i let go
as the ancient notes soar
on their slow-moving score
while the tumult is raging below.
"
"the weight called atomic's a mean
of the isotopes' masses, as seen
on the earth. those with class
won't confuse weight and mass?
the weight will towards common forms lean.
"
"once unwrapped, angie angrily rent
the container in which she'd been sent.
""i'm distressed, not impressed,
to have been ups'ed!
did you think that's what angiogram meant?""
"
"""utu, sumerian god, ...""
or ""old gettysburg, most hallowed sod, ...""
or ""that beeyotch, yo' mama, ...""
noun, comma, phrase, comma,
all penned by a positive clod!
"
"a didone is a font whose design
achieves contrast with strokes stout and fine,
with shading unslanted,
and serifs supplanted
by many a bracketless line.
"
"a manager couldn't refrain
from associative-neuron disdain.
""they don't sense; they don't move me.
they never behoove me!""
he happily downsized his brain.
"
"amylase: enzyme in spit
that causes our starches to split.
but since ptuo (it's true!)
was how greeks liked to spew,
saying ptyalin's also legit.
"
"if you oxidize c (two away
from the carbonyl c), then we say
that the process is beta,
and presto! you've made a
small bit of acetyl coa.
"
"shine a flashlight in any direction
at a wall, making careful inspection
how the light-cone will fall
on the plane of that wall,
and voil??there's your own conic section!
"
"something craniocaudal won't fail
to extend from your head to your ""tail.""
it's a term used for breasts?
odd, as latin suggests
it most closely pertains to the male.
"
"l (momentum) is why, when you skate,
and your twirling's about to abate,
you fold arms on your chest,
and, in spinning, you best
that jerk and his smug figure eight.
"
"there's a gaussian technique whose intent
is to solve the constraints you present
as a matrix equation?
once you've had the occasion
to write down your constants (augment).
"
"should a suture too hastily fuse,
the young brain won't have space left to use,
so it grows under strain,
in a parallel plane:
towards the suture's two ends it will ooze.
"
"an e-field divergently goes
out from any qe that you pose,
while an e-field enringing
means b-fields are swinging,
or circles qm as it flows*.

a b-field divergently goes
out from any qm that you pose*,
while a b-field enringing
means e-fields are swinging,
or circles qe as it flows.

*is it fiction? well, nobody knows.
"
"j. s. bach was by no means a fretter.
he knew the new layout was better,
yet he felt some unease
that he'd need some black keys
to compose on his surname's first letter.
"
"lady fortune, rome's children were told,
oft would juvat audentes (unfold
all the future's best aid
when one's courage displayed
in an act both italic and bold).
"
"sixty arcseconds make up a minute.
but the ""arc-hour""? what minutes are in it
aren't sixty! its arc
is the angle you mark
ev'ry hour on the globe as you spin it.
"
"if you're not a cartoonist, pretend:
draw a bone. see those bumps at each end?
those are condyles, my friend,
found at joints that can bend,
and they slide as i flex or extend.
"
"please don't think that i'm being obscene;
i'm not talking about the latrine,
or hygienics post-sex.
no! the french circonflexe
shows an s that's been fully wiped clean.
"
"four-part writing: this method designs
a euphonious piece that combines
harmonious chords
with attention towards
independent melodious lines.
"
"aortic dissection: a tear
in the innermost vessel wall layer,
which then vertically spreads,
ripping branch vessels' heads,
or bursts through?to survive this is rare.
"
"do you say, ""she has eyes like a doe,
and her nose has that funny plateau,
and she's suitably skinny,
so she's my aunt minnie""??
no, you take just one look and you know.
"
"what's the sound that's the pipe organ's own?
not a reed, like the ""horn"" or ""trombone,""
but a flue-pipe that sings
more than flutes, less than strings?
diapason's the median tone.
"
"ieso?s: ""the lord saves"" is his name;
christ?s: the messiah who came;
theo?: of the one
hyi?s: he's the son;
sot?r: he assumed all our blame.
"
"acidic anhydrides are those
which water will make decompose.
forced to share but one end,
two new acids now wend
their own way from once-neutral repose.
"
"as a musical bug who hates quakin',
choose with caution the seat you'll be takin',
for when standing waves sing
on a vibrating string,
the antinode's most where it's shakin'.
"
"intubation's not easy, my friend:
i took care that the tube wouldn't bend,
but, despite my acumen,
i chose the wrong lumen,
and emerged from the tract's distal end!
"
"since your liver is shot from merlot,
and the blood it receives cannot go
where it should, my poor lucy,
you've caput medusae
(collateral shunting of flow).
"
"the ol' bronchogram, quite an affair:
they would numb up your throat, and from there
down your lungs would apply
radiography dye.
but don't worry: these days, it's just air.
"
"how i've fumed every time that i've heard
that a pun is its own fine ""reword""!
let the punning-devoted
be drawn and then ""quoted""
when letters and sounds become blurred.
"
"if you count fifty protons within,
that's the number atomic of tin!
add its neutrons aplenty
for one hundred twenty
(its mass)? then its form you can pin.
"
"apoenzymes must always combine
with their cofactors, or, down the line,
things will go topsy turvy.
that's how you get scurvy;
eat citrus whenever you dine!
"
"why did hamster pick up the sound p?
who inserted the e in esprit?
would you savor, like herbert,
some r in your sherbet?
(why not? extra letters for free!)
"
"science sue yanked her rope, with a smirk
at dumb dan's every off-angle jerk,
since her teacher would see,
with a quick f dot d,
it was sue who'd done more of the work.
"
"lucy dear, though i hate to find fault:
put your hands up, as if to say ""halt!""
see the way that they flick, sis?
that's called asterixis,
from years of hepatic assault.
"
"if the item you've put on display
by the morrow has withered away,
it's not ""once on a time""
like some fairy-tale rhyme,
but ephemeral: ""once on a day.""
"
"an(n)ulus: oft we misspell
it before we splice in the -u-l-,
for its root, meaning ""ring,""
had been used for a thing
that bore too unpleasant a smell.
"
"though the trappings of energy range
from the run-of-the-mill to the strange,
there's one rule it respects:
from one form to the next,
its sum total amount will not change.
"
"do these tones sound the same? first agree
on how tempered your tuning should be.
one might say, ""now a flat
is the place where i'm at!""
but his friend?""no, you're just sharp of g.""
"
"diazonium salts will attack
aromatics, and put back to back
all their conjugate bonds,
while the color responds:
of bright hues, azo dyes have no lack.
"
"when both upper-lobe bronchi arise
above where the artery lies,
this ambiguous situs
comes right back to bite us:
for being two right, there's no prize.
"
"jill the typesetter shared common ground
with her friend, but on one point she frowned:
that despite the amount her
chef friend liked a counter,
he thought bowls belonged on it, not 'round.
"
"believing in atheism's nice:
sunday sermons are rather concise.
but what kicked into being
the cosmos we're seeing?
""no god"" can supply no device.
"
"said a darling wee girlie, annette,
""i will learn from this mini-diskette
how nucleoli roam
in their cellular home.
bit by bit, i will know it all yet!""
"
"the atto- reduces your unit
(from the danish ""eighteen"" they have hewn it).
this quintillionth piece
is no name of caprice;
it's quite useful, so don't you impugn it!
"
"shall the ions of iron embarrass,
or baffle, befuddle, or scare us
with their names? what to do?
just count charge: three or two!
in this way, we tell ferric from ferrous.
"
"convolution's how echoes behave.
one by one, scale each height from your wave
by the height at that place
in the flipped echo trace;
take the sum: that's your sound in a cave.
"
"when held central, the tongue can intone
some ten vowels (an ill-defined zone)
which occur in the words
abut, roses, and birds.
but which ones? to each speaker his own.
"
"when two elements acting the same
had their masses compared, oft there came
a third right between;
the pattern thus seen
would foreshadow a table of fame.
"
"this glyph, by the germans po?e?ed,
has a shape that is rightly a?e?ed
as long s plus an s
(or plus z, some profe?)
in one ligature tightly compre?ed.
"
"if you've six of the birthmarks they say
are the color of caf? au lait,
then you may feel a grudge
that this too-common smudge
for you could mean grief on the way.
"
"though a thousand times thousand's a million,
there are two different meanings of billion.
and where they have milliards,
they also have billiards,
a stop on the way to a trillion.
"
"a cathode is always ? note well! ?
where electrons will enter a cell,
while its lowness or highness
in volts makes it minus
or plus. that's the secret. (don't tell!)
"
"ad-similation is an ex-fect
where an ad-fix, to sound more con-rect,
being loath to ob-fend,
and con-rupting its end,
hides ad-lusions you'd never sub-spect.
"
"""the hedonist hid, with the hay
on his head like a hat."" as you say
how this man likes to hide,
your tongue is applied
toward the front of your mouth, bright as day.
"
"a tough bird joined his bud in a meeting
for the purpose of unison tweeting,
but their tones were just off;
hence the bird, with a scoff,
gave his not-quite-tuned buddy a beating.
"
"when dissimilar atoms appeal
to each other, one pulls with more zeal,
with division unfair
of the charge that they share,
so the other receives a raw deal.
"
"ancient eta's a letter that we
would consider as roughly an e.
but the ""ehh"" ancients read
now is read ""ee"" instead...
hence the bleat of greek sheep is ""vee vee!""
"
"since it's been such a musical boon,
this technique i am loath to impugn,
but to play in all keys
with the simplest of ease,
every interval's tweaked out of tune.
"
"what's the source of that tumor you saw?
here's a guideline with hardly a flaw:
its original source,
though distorted by force,
still surrounds it in part, like a claw.
"
"a conventional current will go
in reverse to the pattern of flow
of electrons. this fact
we all hope won't detract
from ben franklin: the guy didn't know.
"
"near a magnet, all hydrogens sway,
but the atoms near them pull away
their electrons (which shield
the effects of the field)
and distort where those protons display.
"
"as it flies through the flue towards the lip,
the windsheet is steered by the grip
of its pipe's standing wave,
which one part helps to save,
while the other intones with each flip.
"
"if your tonic is f, f times two
is just tonic again. what we'll do
is jump up: f times three
is a tone that will be
called the ""dominant degree."" (something new!)
"
"when our mks units we nix,
there's a syllable (ab-) we prefix,
for a new way to think:
units bloat up or shrink
as the cgs system predicts.
"
"no longer need i persevere;
my hour of parting is near.
let thy servant depart
with relief in his heart,
for at last, god, our savior is here.
"
"in debugging his power exceedance,
joe was finally forced to put credence
in the need to have matching,
in cable-attaching,
of characteristic impedance.
"
"the femto-: a prefix for when,
fifteen times, you've cut something in ten.
its naming is plainish
to speakers of danish,
from which we next borrow again.
"
"though they travel as one at the start,
once the l.a.d. branches apart,
then the circumflex curves
back and leftward and serves
the lateral wall of the heart.
"
"the magnets called dia- react
with repulsion, while paras attract.
cut the field that's applied?
most reactions subside
but persist in the ferros intact.
"
"there's a joke this musician gal told me,
a proposal so tempting, it sold me:
with a gesture a lot
like an arch and a dot,
she said, ""that's a fermata! now hold me!""
"
"to cause something to fall is to fell.
on this difference carefully dwell,
and then sit?set, rise?raise,
and he lies and he lays,
will assume the right meanings as well.
"
"did the celt roots of welsh sound ebonic
to the roman?whose speech was euphonic?
and old cornish and breton? ""dare
speak like a cretin?"" they're
brythonic (or some say brittonic).
"
"the ""death card""?one black, pointy spot?
in some card games, the highest you've got.
those who dig will attest,
""of my shovels, the best.""
ace of spades: what it is; what it's not.
"
"repeat history? where's the incentive?
for forgetfulness, i've a preventive:
i keep diaries, logs,
journals, records and blogs.
oddly, some say i'm annal-retentive.
"
"cautious drivers will tend to agree: a
slick highway is no place to be. a
car's traction and ""feel""
come through each driven wheel;
all-wheel drive, though, is no panacea.
"
"the divine is, by ""mood"", made diviner.
in music, the scale's one definer.
though ""sadness"" once showed
in aeolian mode,
it's more common in natural minor.
"
"formed concrete, first used as a frame
or as fill, for the moderns became
a new toy to expose,
and now everyone knows
brutalism. corbu gets the blame.
"
"sneaking past them, i relish the flush
of success! just the threat of a brush
with the law is a thrill!!
they can't stop me!!! (whoa?chill.)
yes, blockade-running gives me a rush.
"
"if those pricier brews leave you flaccid,
and you won't take your java high-class?d,
try a mug of my joe:
it dulls knife blades, you know,
and it tastes like mom's battery acid.
"
"the normal piano today
has seven-plus octaves to play.
how low can it go?
well, just so you know,
at the bottom is aaaa.
"
"if a sweet-talker dishes up platters
of esteem-building blather that flatters,
and is turning your head,
keep your senses instead.
he's a blandisher?none of it matters.
"
"?""once again, i am proving i'm master;
i can't lose, barring utter disaster!""
?""barring miracles, i'm
out of luck. with her time,
it's no wonder that no one's surpassed her!""
"
"""bet our waitress knows integrals, jay.""
(tom had coached her: ""x??'s what you say!"")
""shall we try 3x??""
""that's x?!"" she declared...
""plus a constant."" she sauntered away.
"
"though selene in orbit may run,
her eclipses are seldom begun,
for she orbits aslant;
try she may, but she can't
when her nodes aren't aligned with the sun.
"
"what's the name of the nerve numbered viii?
""the acoustic nerve,"" someone might state.
but that's partly a fib,
for it's best called ""vestib-
ulocochlear."" (set the guy straight!)
"
"a current source may have appeal
to designers, but none is ideal?
an ideal one, neglected
and left disconnected,
needs energies simply unreal.
"
"""define asymptote."" ""um, i'm aware
that it's some kinda line."" ""well, that's fair.""
""is it some kinda line,
which my curve will define?""
""getting closer, but still not quite there.""
"
"the q, meaning ""and,"" you just read
joins things not from between, but instead
from the end ? an enclitic,
to be analytic,
to words that were already said.
"
"eccentricity e's one of three
things defining all conics. you see,
these curves are the locus
where distance to focus
and directrix divides out to e.
"
"""left and right,"" said anatomist heather,
""join and fuse at a raphe or tether.
so dysraphism speaks
of the havoc it wreaks
when those sides will just not come together.""
"
"my aunt's an eccentric inventor.
so how can i best represent her?
she's an odd engineer
with a strange, wobbly gear
(that's to say, she's a little off-center).
"
"my friends fixed me up with this girl.
we'd not met, and i feared things would curl
up and wither. but wait?
'twas a lovely blind date!
we think we will give things a whirl.
"
"most country folk don't flip their wigs
over food trends or health-conscious prigs.
they don't care who has slimmed,
and won't drink their milk skimmed?
that's just blue john; it's fed to the pigs.
"
"for musicians, the octave is shown
by letters with primes or alone.
the note bbb
is below middle c
by two octaves and one semitone.
"
"the band down in prison block c
is quite heinous?as bad as can be.
as to why it's sub-par:
they all know every bar,
but they simply cannot get the key.
"
"my sleeplessness wasn't comedic.
the doctor, a staunch ayurvedic,
said, ""the cure in this matter
is light, crispy batter.""
now my mattress is tempura-pedic.
"
"the fellow who once lived next door
in each thought, word and deed, was a snore.
a tornado swooped by,
sucked him into the sky...
like they say: ""nature vacuums a bore.""
"
"i called in an expert?a kind man?
and told him, ""i think you will find, man,
that my random accretions
of ratty venetians
is tacky."" ""i see,"" said the blind man.
"
"alphonse was a gent once well-known,
with a friend at a door often shown.
neither one would go through:
""my alphonse, after you.""
""oh, no?after you, dear gaston.""
"
"if your city is awful indeed, i'll
suggest that you talk to the aedile.
if the place is replete
with big holes in the street,
then you might want to put him on speed dial.
"
"wore a breastplate, a helmet with wings;
siegfried's wife, then forgotten?fate stings.
she's br?nnhilde, who flew
with her valkyrie crew.
is it over and done once she sings?
"
"their prospectus arrived, proudly stating
that [to translate arcane boilerplating]
i should find it a thrill:
though not licensed to kill,
their bonds have the aaa rating.
"
"if your luggage is carry-on, grand:
you can fly with your stuff close at hand.
it's not stuck in the hold,
and you won't, uncontrolled,
carry on when it's gone when you land.
"
"callicebus medemi is black-handed;
an indirect kudo is backhanded.
when you muck a thing up?
botch the job, drop your cup?
many people will say you are cack-handed.
"
"he sets out on his trip a grotesque,
his adventures no mere picaresque.
as the pilgrim progresses,
my mind, i confess, is
confronted by things bunyanesque.
"
"agitate: shake, shift or stir,
and when apathy's threatening, spur;
seek political action;
annoy, cause distraction;
or advocate, as you prefer.
"
"let's consider the black-handed titi:
like so many, this monkey's a sweetie.
it's diurnal; arboreal;
clannish; territorial;
small, though, and not very meaty.
"
"i can't wait for the public release
of this marvel?will wonders not cease!
its inventor's my hero:
the great autogyro,
that self-making sandwich from greece!
"
"the hunter would blather and swagger
while recounting his exploits?the bragger.
then the truth came out: seems
he had shot ten kilims.
now he's known as the great carpetbagger.
"
"in texting, bg is ""big grin"".
but in disco days, oh, way back when,
the bee gees hit heights
fevered saturday nights
when we danced 'neath the mirror-ball spin.
"
"he is vital and calcitrant, too
(he's alive and he's kicking, to you).
plus he's stubborn?and will be
tomorrow (he'll still be
recalcitrant). did i get through?
"
"through a grid, gamma photons fly straight
at a sodium iodide plate.
as they stunningly smash,
the crystal will flash
to show photon location and rate.
"
"darlene, a cute female mechanic,
has a body that drives the guys manic.
they imagine scant panty-wear
when she calls for more ""antiwear,""
but on hearing ""ball-bearing,"" they panic.
"
"why'd you order his chest film ap?
he can stand, as i'm sure you'll agree!
let me do it pa,
back to front, and this way
see his heart at the size it should be.
"
"you were once just a cute hollow mass
till the blastopore let some cells pass,
and inwards they stormed;
the archenteron formed.
and where's that pore now? it's your ...
"
"if your allergy's painfully chronic,
phospholipase's arachidonic
work is hardly fantastic,
makes lungs bronchospastic,
and you hooked on allergy tonic.
"
"that the alea's iacta (it's cast!)
means my chance to turn back is now past.
this bold act is the seed;
with the fruit of this deed,
may i taste sweet success at long last.
"
"transposition's a tragic disease
where the heart's misconnected: each squeeze
has the blue blood re-sent
to get bluer, more spent,
while the red gets more red (what a tease).
"
"though the pressures they keep are quite low,
diffusion pumps work as they blow
superfast jets of oil,
which may backstream and soil
their interiors with fine greasy snow.
"
"what orbs did cruel nature endow
beneath your most beautiful brow!
we must rescue your sight
from this dangerous plight,
this buphthalmos ? the ""eyes of a cow.""
"
"duple meter's distinguished with ease
when the rules that you follow are these:
simple duple we use
for straight eights, fours, and twos;
compound duple means duples of threes.
"
"passive cooling techniques can't be beat.
the brise-soleil? that's pretty neat,
since its external louvers
(either fixed ones or movers)
let air through, but block the sun's heat.
"
"click and clack like to tout their fair city
of cambridge, but more is the pity
that of adjectives used,
they have somehow refused
cantabrigian. guess it's too pretty.
"
"when you exit the restroom, observe
all the protocols. caution will serve,
as you don't want to hear
someone say with a leer,
""hey, your barn door is open, you perv!""
"
"the bundt cake is turned out to cool
from the bundt pan, a specialized tool
for the baker. it's fluted?
a ring, convoluted.
nice pan, and the cake makes me drool.
"
"rough-cast concrete, with power imbued:
some think it aggressive and crude.
but we make it more tame
with a fancier name:
b?ton brut, unabashedly nude.
"
"b?ton brut is raw concrete. the phrase
is applied to a finish that stays:
concrete bared and left rough,
strong, aggressive, and tough?
for a while, quite the modernist craze.
"
"all around, many pull at each side,
launching one person up for a ride.
now the threat of a suit
makes that exercise moot?
the blanket toss seems to have died.
"
"imagine my state of elation
when she told me she did capitation.
(the root word means ""head"".)
i was let down instead
when she levied a flat-rate taxation.
"
"i had problems with sleeping that wrung
all repose from my slumbers when young.
first, i snored?and none louder?
but worse, toothy powder
from bruxism covered my tongue.
"
"buying real estate? trying to get
more than one piece of property, yet
not a lender will is-
sue the loans? see here: this
blanket mortgage will finance the set.*
"
"when i shop for new footwear, i may
have to hit all the stores?takes all day,
for most shoes fit me wrong.
with feet narrow and long,
i need a 15aaa.
"
"i am sitting here, aptly arraying
my anapests, happily playing,
jumping metrical hoops,
to define?well, um... oops!
had a brain fart. now, what was i saying?
"
"in college, the classes caused dread,
so i spent eight semesters abed.
i showed minimal moxie,
took courses by proxy:
in absentia, became a.b.ed.
"
"abattage may be practiced to quell
an infection in stock that's unwell.
the details of just how
they dispatch each mad cow
are not something i care to retell.
"
"forget overreaching, polemical,
disrespectful, obtuse, stratagemical;
when you ask if it's so
but you don't need to know,
the question becomes academical.
"
"this submission's the start of the story.
it goes in, but before all the glory
of approval and credit,
other writers may edit.
their work is adjudicatory.
"
"i'm told that i'm stubborn. some hope
that i'll be less inflexible. nope,
no can do. here's the drill:
just consider my will
to be adamantean. then cope.
"
"that investment you made over-earns?
brokers call this abnormal returns.
no, it doesn't relate
to that burger you ate,
when you belch just a bit and it burns.
"
"this practice, accouchement forc?,
means hastened delivery (nay,
not of pizza). so, then,
it is not what binds men
to the couch, watching football all day.
"
"say your final exam finds you ill.
should you sip on some broth? take a pill?
you must do something, stat.
get an aegrotat. that
little doctor's note just fills the bill.
"
"banning reading material looks
like big business, though not one for crooks.
yet some folks look askance
(at the big bonfire dance)
at the way they are cooking the books.
"
"the soldierly men of fort harrison
thought the workhorse attached to the garrison
was a dull, worn-out jade,
but when groomed for parade,
he was brighter by far in caparison.
"
"what's the meaning of bimanous? jiminy!
try ""having two hands"", dummy. criminy!
it's so easy to tell
(if you know how to spell)
that it doesn't mean ""one of the bimini""!
"
"my wahine is gorgeous?amen!
(though her island's a little too zen,
being low, long and narrow.)
she's hot to her marrow?
i call her my lovely cayenne.
"
"their dismissals will leave you withdrawn:
the rudeness and spite just go on,
and we're suddenly knowing
what hell we'll be going
to, when they begin the ""begone!""
"
"at an angle, the hunter traversed
the veldt. then a lioness burst
from the grass with great force:
both himself and his course
catty-cornered! we all fear the worst.
"
"however it's cooked, i'm a fan?
whether steamed, baked, or fried in a pan.
with a thick ratatouille,
i'm a-gon' gay-rawn-tee
that's a fine cajun sausage, boudan.
"
"""must we stay?""  ""here's an entry; let's look.""
""can we go now?""  ""a limerick?nice hook!""
""this is boring. let's go.""
""it's poetic! good show!
i just love it!""  ""it's nerdy. let's book.""
"
"some facts on ailanthus to tell:
tree of heaven we call it as well;
once prized as exotic;
invasive, chaotic;
its nickname should be tree from hell.
"
"in my home, you must stumble and grope?ick!?
for my housekeeping eye is myopic.
i need help, i'm afraid;
don't just send me a maid?
i need someone who's antientropic.
"
"bob cratchit was over a barrel,
and his holiday off was in peril,
for scrooge, with no mirth,
thought he'd spend the lord's birth
hard at work in his cold christmas carrel.
"
"showy clusters of florets their fame
(red or yellow), with long stalky frame.
if well-versed, you might know
they're gaillardia, though
blanket flower's a more common name.
"
"the proprietor cannot endorse
your presence, and lacking remorse,
he tells vinny (who's driven
to mayhem): you're given
the bum's rush?ejection by force.
"
"as cold and flu season progresses,
sore throats join the winter's distresses.
with hawking and hemming
and hacking and phlegm-ing,
the cacophony truly impresses.
"
"the cabbies drove fiats all day,
speeding here, racing there, the whole way
in an eight-car formation.
at night, relaxation:
living fast in a small cabaret.
"
"on the case the p.i. bravely toiled.
in the jungle, his sleuthing was foiled.
the cannibal king
liked the whole film noir thing;
the detective, turns out, was hard-boiled.
"
"i like walnuts and hazelnuts, too,
though brazil nuts and almonds will do.
they're all good for me, but
one particular nut
sets my allergies going: cashew!
"
"some women are blessed with a sightly
derriere; some men notice them, rightly.
should one happen to pass,
you should not yell, ""nice ass!""
""callipygian!"" says it politely.
"
"the weather is chilly and damp;
i run out of oil for the lamp;
my fire never ignites;
every bug out there bites.
so just how can a drag show be camp?
"
"on a hot date, this food-loving dude'll
have italian?it's well worth the boodle.
it seems pasta enhances
my sexual advances:
my girl and i eat, then canoodle.
"
"she loves to be thin as a slat;
she thinks she's the most in her hat;
perky boobs; slender hips.
never mind bag of chips?
she's not, to my thinking, all that.
"
"though an earthquake might once have caused guessage,
newer methods for measuring presage
a more accurate chart:
for seismology's part,
an accelerogram is the message.
"
"those mechanical-type engineers
believe that, referring to gears,
the addendum, forsooth,
is the length of a tooth
from the pitch circle. (that's what one hears.)
"
"said the critic, ""my outrage beats your shock!
who can tell what he's thinking? and more shock:
all these drawings are bad!
they're blottesque?it's just sad!
so he thinks he's an artist, this rorschach?""
"
"he likes corpulent, loves sculpturesque
(in a henry moore way), rubenesque,
zaftig, big-boned or tubby.
a chaser of chubby,
he lives large and loves gigantesque.
"
"addendums, believe it or not,
is correct for describing a lot
of addenda. i shun it.
when all's said and done it,
i fear, is a communist plot.
"
"the contractor had an agenda:
""the specs for your damn hacienda
keep changing?too many
addendums. if any,
just put them in one long addenda.""
"
"""take the gold? not a chance?curse the fates!
why, i can't even do figure eights.""
well, no wonder! each blade
was so crooked he strayed?
seems the cheapskate had purchased cheap skates.
"
"before pop tops and tabs, when your topin'
from the can was delayed, and your copin'
with the bottle was slow
(before twist-offs), you'd know
that a church key would get it right open.
"
"i'm a 'mercan! i'm pure u-s-a!
say it loud! say it proud! hip-hooray!
by the gift of god's grace,
number one! in your face!
(i am also a pubic toupee.)
"
"you ignore me, insouciant brat,
caring not for my wishes, nor that
i would hold you most dear
if you'd only come near?
i am desolate. you are the cat.
"
"how much is a buttload, you ask?
you're facetious, but i'll take the task:
at one hundred twenty-
six gallons, it's plenty.
you might or might not need a cask.
"
"as a lad, i was lumpish and fat,
and the top of my hair was cut flat.
but with butch wax applied,
it stood straight with such pride
that i felt little need for a hat.
"
"malcolm arnold, the talented brit,
creates music of great charm and wit.
and he wrote, what is more,
the great river kwai score,
which could well be the man's greatest hit.
"
"there was simply no getting around
his menagerie, five critters bound
to have things as they wanted.
he found himself daunted?
they'd bull, nag, bug, badger, and hound.
"
"the pothole was huge?that's a fact,
and the city went out and attacked
it with bushels of patch?
a two-hogshead-sized batch!
""that would make it a butthole,"" i cracked.
"
"did you ask me a question, there, buddy?
i'm not senile?my mind isn't muddy.
sure, i missed what you said?
i was inside my head:
i'd retired to my cozy brown study.
"
"the botany's open and shut
on the green avocado. yes, but
if you look at the tree
where it hangs, you will see
not a berry or fruit, but a nut.
"
"alvar aalto of finland designed,
using spirit and logic combined,
many things large and small:
bowl and chair, home and hall,
each as rich and humane as you'll find.
"
"if only it'd been a bit stinky.
he got milk, but on taking a drink, he
found it lumpy and tart,
and he spat with a start?
his big tumbler of milk had gone blinky.
"
"buzzed and dazzled, a jazzed paparazzo
whizzed?huzzah!?by the strozzi palazzo.
dizzy, frazzled by drizzle,
fuzzed and puzzled, fo' shizzle,
he zigzagged, afrizz, to lomazzo.
"
"my dearest friend died; i am glum.
my pal. my amigo. the bum.
so my best bud is late,
and i've chopped him for bait?
though he's gone, he can still be my chum.
"
"a contrivance, a game one may play?
a projection of ego, you say?
is it strictly a ploy,
or a magical toy
which has already heightened cachet?
"
"while ""arkansan"" might do for the faint-
hearted arkansas denizen, 'taint
what i go by. the old
arkansawyer is bold;
it has grit?never mind that it's quaint.
"
"in a knife fight, however uncouth, pick
a weapon that doesn't show ruth. pick
a strong two-edged blade,
long, well-balanced, to aid
in your fight?pick an arkansas toothpick.
"
"when technology, mores, and war
change our lives from what happened before,
and we've all made a turn,
will we prosper or burn?
it's a brave new world? tell me no more.
"
"to the home of my lovely intended
i hurried. the moment was splendid:
i asked for her hand,
knowing well not to stand?
my knee, per the saying, was bended.
"
"set in jordan, amman is among
this old world's oldest cities. it's sung
in the histories; to eat,
a hard-coated and sweet
jordan almond arouses the tongue.
"
"the matador, being no dope,
made his entrance, all ready to cope
with the great bovine brute;
optimistic to boot,
he held out his cape of good hope.
"
"who can say what we'll hear from the fed?
the economy?living or dead?
read the stars or the cards?
study entrails by yards?
ah?just read through the beige book instead.
"
"when lighting on stage or on screen,
keep the skin tones in balance. to clean
up the actors when light
is too far off of white,
bastard amber will help set the scene.
"
"don van vliet and frank zappa had wrought
that odd name, captain beefheart. they thought
it was great for a movie
with grunt people?groovy!
the script and the film came to naught.
"
"when quarriers pull out a slice
that's like granite, but will not suffice,
that chunk of the planet
is called bastard granite.
(sounds rude, but it's probably gneiss.)
"
"the view from the tower enthused me,
but the head of the stairway confused me.
i misstepped at the top,
tripped and fell, and the drop?
i went ass over teakettle?bruised me.
"
"my bastard file, i must insist,
is kept in my tool chest. resist
the temptation to think
it's those fellows who stink,
and whose names i put down on a list.
"
"the talk show had scheduled a date
with the author, an object of hate.
he arrived at the show
to a warm, rosy glow:
'twas a book burning, not a debate.
"
"in music texts, now it's old hat:
a printing convention was that
for the note or the key,
you'd find printed ""bb"",
which was actually read as ""b-flat"".
"
"when the butcher proposes to cleave
that beast that he might call a beeve,
it's a bovine he prunes;
it is not ward and june's
young son theodore. (this should relieve.)
"
"this tidbit might come as a shocker:
there isn't a real betty crocker!
yet in print, on the air,
on the shelf?she's right there;
if you care about food, you won't mock her.
"
"a friend found me singles-bar-bound.
""out dogging for bitches? you hound!""
""you're so full of feces,""
i told him. ""wrong species!
i'm actually catting around.""
"
"you hear ""cardiologist's dream.""
butter, parmesan cheese, and some cream
make alfredo sauce rich,
but my arteries don't twitch?
deep-fried lard is a bit more extreme.
"
"play for pay? from a young age i knew
my professional chances were few.
but i still love to play,
though i do without pay:
i'm a member of team a.a.u.
"
"it's the same-old same-old, and it's pat.
it's run-of-the-mill; it's old hat;
it's the old tried-and-true,
and it's typical, too,
plain vanilla. it's basic b-flat.
"
"it's at 440 cycles per second
that the modern ""a"" standard is reckoned.
it's been sharper and flatter;
we needed the matter
resolved, and this round number beckoned.
"
"steve mcgarrett, each week, got it done
with computers, his fists or a gun.
find the clues; solve the crime;
catch the perp?he'll do time.
""book 'im, danno."" ""the charge?"" ""murder one.""
"
"his home, he thought, couldn't be snugger.
a privacy snob? none were smugger,
'til he found that a snoop
had installed a whole group
of small mikes, and that made him yell, ""bugger!""
"
"some sculpture makes folks ooh and aah;
a well-defined form?ooh-la-la!
now, alto-rilievo
can cause me to rave.  oh,
my feelings on low relief?  bah!
"
"what's the mark of an artiad? why,
free electrons in even supply.
a perissad's count
will be odd in amount.
(and you thought that all science was dry!)
"
"they butt heads every time they convene?
their arguments cause quite a scene.
no one knows why they fight;
neither one of them's right:
they're both buttheads?a bit dull and mean.
"
"if simply by kissing, you get
all het up, then beware when you pet.
as with oversexed teens,
basoexia means
that your every kiss could be wet.
"
"my chats are not casual. no,
they are mineral. how is this so?
why, they're stones?rather small?
mixed with ore, which i haul
to the crusher. can't chat now?must go.
"
"""got no room; got no food; i don't know,""
squatter said, ""how this tune ought to go.""
said the traveler, ""i'll
show you."" ""here, stay a while?
have a meal, a good bed. take my bow.""
"
"""when i twist on your cock, there's a flow.
if i startle your cock, it will crow.
you are so well-endowed:
faucet, rooster?and proud
turns the cock on your roof in a blow.""
"
"this fabric is heavy. it's made
for work clothes of durable grade.
purely cotton or mixed
fiber, guzzling is nixed?
don't think you can drink cottonade.
"
"each girdle and sturdy brassiere
that he makes is considered premiere.
this foundational giant
puts the squeeze on each client?
he's fashion's top-drawer corsetiere.
"
"heloise, in correctional vein,
wrote ""about last week's hint, i'll explain:
with low back, and unbolstered,
though thickly upholstered,
club sofa will not lift a stain.""
"
"these lozenges have a nice smell,
and they certainly work fast to quell
many symptoms of flu:
they dissolve phlegmy goo,
and they cause quite a cough drop as well.
"
"go ahead: light one up. it's a nail
in your coffin, they say. without fail,
when you die, i'll be doffing
my hat, and your coughing
will no longer cause us travail.
"
"at a fine old boutique on the strand,
all the shopwindows (fine, old) are spanned
by a breastsummer (breast beam).
this heavy?and stressed?beam
supports the fa?ade (fine, old, grand).
"
"my girlfriend wore tight leather pants.
daddy's sister, who's given to rants,
said?now, she can be tart?
""and that tube top looks smart.
who's the chippy?"" i smiled. maiden aunts!
"
"not having a price caused paralysis
for the king, who was selling his palace. this
was addressed on the spot
with a cma. what?
a competitive market analysis.
"
"he is affluent. wealthy. in clover.
well-to-do. living large. rich. moreover,
his great fortune itself
(not a judgement of pelf)
is quite effluent. (cup runneth over.)
"
"i'm hoping y'all won't try t'criticize,
t'get frantic, t'pray, 'r politicize
when you've read this. don't riot?
'twill be tempting t' try't?
once y'know it's m'goal here t'cliticize.
"
"let's look at these boards over here.
though you see them?in fact, they appear
to have beautiful grain
with no knots, checks, or wane?
it is clear that this lumber is clear.
"
"i hope that it all disappears:
wrote a check, after twenty-odd years,
that will clear all my debt,
but i'm not clear just yet?
it's not paid till the check finally clears.
"
"the family is keenly aware
that this ""cousin"" demanding a share
of their uncle's estate
might be fake, so they'll wait.
will a dna test clear the heir?
"
"1so this verse has a big joke inside:
2it's subliminal; this one's implied.
3you might make rictal faces
on finding this place 4is
where a catch can successfully hide.
"
"the farmer took care of his fief:
he would plow, sow, tend, harvest and sheaf
every crop. in the shed,
pigs and chickens were fed,
and he'd carefully corn all his beef.
"
"the committee met early to set
this year's theme for the dance. on a bet,
i said maize would be great.
they said, ""that's, we must state,
the most cornball idea we've heard yet!""
"
"while his missus is surly and coarse,
the mister just works like a horse
on the dusting, the wash,
all the cleaning.... my gosh?
these two cotqueans should get a divorce!
"
"my father approaches the summit
of forgetfulness.  mental skills plummet,
like my cool.  misadventures
befell his new dentures.
""here's dinner.  no teeth?!  well, dadgummit!""
"
"indiana is not hip or faddy,
so it's strange that you've tricked out your caddy,
that you wear neon suits,
those big hats and fur boots?
and you call yourself what?  hoosier daddy?
"
"while driving, his mood's not seraphic.
his finger, a signal most graphic,
protrudes almost leggily.
dactylomegaly
gives an advantage in traffic.
"
"for this sauce with tomatoes, you've gotta
have garlic; you won't need ricotta.
then red peppers you add,
which makes the sauce mad,
and your dish is all arrabbiata.
"
"when a lender is forced to foreclose,
the problem's best solved if it knows
about pricing and selling
each repossessed dwelling.
the most likely tool? bpos.
"
"mr. anderson?first name leroy?
made the orchestra act as his toy,
playing clock, cat, or sleigh;
even typists can play!
and his works are not hard to enjoy.
"
"our nightspot finds some of you snubbable.
the bouncer thinks one of you's drubbable.
can't admit it or greet it;
you'll just have to beat it?
your underage seal is not clubbable.
"
"when one uses a beer bong, seems one'll
drink a whole lot of beer through a funnel
that's attached to a tube.
o thou frat boy, o rube,
see the light at the end of the tunnel?
"
"trephination was long overdue.
said the surgeon, ""well, let me tell you:
with my new abaptiston,
a flick of the wrist, 'n'
your brain will be better than new.""
"
"his penchant for sleeping is chronic.
he drapes in a pose most hedonic
off the back of my chair.
when my friends see him there,
they say, ""golly! is that cat atonic!""
"
"as a building term, breast beam seems quirky.
i know that you're getting all smirky.
it's a lintel; don't dream:
though it has ""breast"" and ""beam"",
it is not when a nipple gets perky.
"
"with his pungi and basket, he'd take
his cobra to market, and make
a small living. but?gasp!?
the crowds loved his asp:
the charmer, turns out, was the snake.
"
"though it keeps the world turning, i hate
administrivia, but it's my fate.
mindless paperwork?charts,
records, notes, forms (three parts!)?
makes me tear at the hair on my pate.
"
"""i tell you, you're indigent scum!""
the supplicant asked him, ""how come?""
""you ask for, all whiny,
my on-the-fritz heinie:
you bum a bum bum, you're a bum!""
"
"i'm thirsty?i think that i'll chug
to the liquor store, buy a big jug,
lug it home. then, thirst blazing,
i'll chug a few, raising
a toast: to your health! chugalug!
"
"mind the leaves, bark, the fruits and the peels,
and the sap, and its smoke?the mind reels!
both are poisonous topics
(east indies or tropics):
the bastard and real manchineels.
"
"we needed some aggregate, stat.
three-eighths of an inch or less?that
was the specification
for size. in summation:
i'm glad that we had that nice chat.
"
"i find you seductive and gentle;
in your presence, my brain's incidental.
it is nearly for naught?
one one-hundredth the thought:
you're getting me all centimental.
"
"the crowd at the court was unnerving;
the match had him reaching and swerving.
when you're nervous, you blunder;
it's really no wonder
he opted to chill before serving.
"
"this wine is?well, musky, i'll say,
with asparagus, herbal... okay,
i'm a bit at a loss;
could it be i sense moss?
what? you wine geeks say cat pee?! no way!
"
"dan'l boone had been out and about
in the woods, but his wife expressed doubt.
he asked, ""what's got you thinkin'
i've been out a-drinkin'?""
""you stepped in a bar stool, you lout!""
"
"i will pay you a premium, so
you will help me get stock for my dough.
place my order today,
with a payment delay.
it takes two to contango, you know.
"
"the trim on his outfit is garish;
epaulettes make his shoulders look squarish.
as he looks down his nose
from atop his fine clothes,
one could think that the fellow is airish.
"
"the debutantes looked like a million
at the do at the lakeside pavilion.
asked about the affair
and how many were there,
one attendee said, ""why, a cotillion.""
"
"the emperor, as everyone knows,
ends orations with terminal prose.
where he once waxed devout,
he now hollers, ""peace out!""
we call it the emperor's new close.
"
"of fortuna, whose ends we can't see,
the old patriarch asked, ""hid from me
is what's writ on the slate:
what's my family's fate?""
""i won't say. it's clandestine,"" said she.
"
"my sweet, lovely wife is delighted
to stay with me, and she's excited
that i'll stay, as well.
as our wedding vows tell,
it is cleavage that keeps us united.
"
"it's nothing to do with turbidity,
nor solidity?no, nor rigidity.
credit mermin, whose works
found the boojum, which lurks
within helium superfluidity.
"
"the hippies and radicals cook
with abandon. it's high time they took
on the moldy remains,
for the kitchen retains
counterculture wherever you look.
"
"the pervert caused quite a sensation
with a naughty repeat presentation?
first accosting, then dashing.
for serial flashing,
they charged him with lewd coruscation.
"
"the conductor's opinions were known
to the low brass. the maestro was prone
to lambaste and deride
that odd thing with the slide?
he was known to be bad to the 'bone.
"
"glad for noon, i (beginning to sag) would
grab my lunch at the deli.  the bag would
barely hold so much stacked
up on rye bread. in fact,
no mere sandwich, my lunch was a dagwood.
"
"it was lovely: this year's graduation
was outdoors. meeting all expectation,
there was hail-and-farewelling,
the graduate-telling,
then, sending them off, a cassation.
"
"the cnemis, or shinbone, one skins
when one trips on low objects. therein's
cnemic damage or pain.
and you are, i maintain,
not ""acnemic"" for having no shins.
"
"classic big-band and swing, in the main,
are infectious; resistance is vain.
the music compels us
when ellington tells us
to hurry and ""take the a train"".
"
"he won't cry in his beer?that would be a
deviation from habit.  you'll see a
rum and lime drink instead
where his river is shed.
it's a clear case of dacryorrhea.
"
"the dadblasted deer, dressed and neat,
was laid out for dad's cookout, complete.
but the grill at the fling
got too hot?dadblamed thing?
and we all had to eat dadburned meat.
"
"cemented in fact, in myth fixed?
jimmy hoffa, we think, was deep-sixed.
truth admits no defeat,
and the theory's concrete:
in the aggregate, he was admixed.
"
"toiling sisyphus would but arrive
at the summit (his path was acclive)
with the boulder he'd brought,
when it rolled back down: caught
in a hell only zeus could contrive.
"
"one bet on two races?no trouble,
but the outcome each day bursts his bubble.
daily loss leaves a scar
so he goes to a bar,
where he orders a stiff daily double.
"
"my new dip, i am told, is unholy.
it's agave and yucca, not slowly
but hastily thrashed
in a stir-fry, then mashed.
they say i should not wok amole.
"
"the fish and chip guy really tries
to conceal his tremendous surprise,
but he nearly expires
when the diner inquires,
""can you sell me a codpiece?no fries?""
"
"the din hits my ears like a hammer;
i'm beset by an outcry and yammer.
holler, blather and call:
it's not clam-like at all?
so why do they call it a clamor?
"
"the vessel had sailed, for the most
part, along the old barbary coast.
a guest wondered why
the old ship remained nigh.
""it's a clipper, mein herr,"" said his host.
"
"prohibition, enacted to bar
all things spiritous, led to bizarre
distillations and brewings
and bootleggers' doings?
but cotton gin takes things too far.
"
"here's a small cone-shaped hill, called a copple.
lest my path be too steep and i topple,
i will climb round and round
to the top, where, begowned,
i will preen and parade, as a fop'll.
"
"the limbs on the trees are all barish,
and the wind, though it won't make me perish,
is autumnal and chill.
a light coat fills the bill
when i feel it is just a tad airish.
"
"i hit coney isle wit' me goil,
and we gave the old cyclone a whoil.
we agreed pretty quick
that it made us both sick,
so we rode it, according to hoil.
"
"see this beast, and your vital signs quicken;
it sees you, and you'll find yourself stricken.
with bat-wings, and tail
of a serpent?all scale?
the cockatrice still tastes like chicken.
"
"oh, the promised land beckons in vain,
and that rock candy mountain's a pain;
shangri-la will not suit,
nor nirvana, to boot,
for i get all my kicks from cockaigne.
"
"it's archaic, and quaint as can be,
and it's not something we're apt to see:
as the wedding night passes
a party harasses
the newlyweds. ha! chivaree!
"
"the temple fa?ade at my place
was too plain, so i added a vase
(well, an urn) to the peak of
the pediment?speak of
the best acroterion space!
"
"she dumped him. her raging derision
made each word that she flung an incision.
quite unmanned by her screams,
he saw double, it seems,
from the shock: she created division.
"
"they're colonial, sessile, sans backbone
(truth to tell, bryozoa quite lack bone),
branched or mossy, most needing
salt water, and breeding
by bud. (they don't, lacking the knack, bone.)
"
"her casual interest tickles;
she experiments. vinegar trickles
into veggie-filled jars.
unlike county-fair stars,
she's a dilettante, dabbling in pickles.
"
"my hair's falling out! you might guess
that i worry?i fret and obsess.
when the sun hits me square
on the pate, and the glare
makes you cringe, then you'll know my distress.
"
"they are shapely, rotund, and curvaceous,
and voluptuous?even salacious.
there are absolute hordes
in the family of gourds,
and they're all of them cucurbitaceous.
"
"first, return address, inside address,
salutation, then body. i guess,
for a good business letter,
i'll tell you you'd better
not close with ""sincerely"". sign? yes.
"
"she dyed her hair blue. ever since,
her dislike of the hip makes me wince.
(not the one that she broke?
all things new; i misspoke.)
she's so old now, and i blame the rinse.
"
"if you seek legal nullification,
but you don't like the word abrogation,
here's an optional deal:
when you file your appeal
you might ask for, instead, a cassation.
"
"of all species of fish, there aren't many
that remotely resemble a blenny:
from their heads to their tails
most are covered in scales,
but the blenny (alas!) hasn't any.
"
"i've been down in the woods, busy blazing.
but don't think i've been fire-raising;
the word can mean, you see,
making marks on a tree.
yes, english is simply amazing.
"
"could any pursuit be absurder
than that of the birdwatcher (birder)?
you sit still the whole day
to watch birdies at play,
with your bum getting numb ? must be murder!
"
"a bat gives me reason to grouse,
for die fledermaus rings through my house;
thus i find i am host
to the musical ghost
of the king of the waltz?johann strauss.
"
"said the vicar of bray (c. of e.),
""no anglican collar for me.
i am much more at home
with the slim one of rome,
so i'm off to become an r.c.""
"
"a hippo was recently seen
shyly lurking in lake trasimene;
said john keats, ""yes, i knew
pink was not the right hue:
though blushful, the true hippo's green"".
"
"a manuscript limerick i've got
which defines something neatly ? but what?
my pen, you may think,
spat out far too much ink,
for the key word is merely a blot.
"
"is a  big-eye a fish?  indeed yes;
i didn't know that, i confess.
but here's a surprise:
it has very big eyes!
you knew that? now how did you guess?
"
"i found, when i drank benedictine,
how quickly the alcohol kicked in:
i spent the next day
simply clearing away
the traces in places i'd sicked in.
"
"the bagpipe emits a weird moan
from its chanter, its bag and its drone:
yet i know that one scot
likes this strange sound a lot ?
he's made it his mobile's ring-tone.
"
"though for her, looking thin was addictive,
she shed tears, for her belt was astrictive.
then she dried the cascade
(with astrictory aid)
and she's stronger now?dry-eyed, invictive.
"
"you might see two opponents resort
to exchanging affronts on the court.
if they don't give a fig
that their mamas are big,
then they're doing the dozens?it's sport.
"
"when in life's daily fight you contrive
to eat someone's lunch, you deprive
him of profit, success?
make him come out with less.
it's just one of the ways that we strive.
"
"tom and ray magliozzi?har, har?talk
an auto-related bizarre talk
of grinds, rattles, pings.
tune it in for these things:
dewey, cheatham & howe's opus, car talk.
"
"you've heard of that dark stormy night.
bulwer-lytton with pen would take flight;
his grandiloquent scription
could cause a conniption,
such deep purple prose as he'd write.
"
"unlike shatner, i don't find it hard
to be bald; i'm not psychically scarred
by my hair loss. just know,
as the fates make it so,
that my model is jean-luc picard.
"
"to the waitress, i said with a sob,
""i need roughage?what dish does the job?""
""shredded cabbage has merit;
with onion and carrot,
why, coleslaw's as rough as a cobb!""
"
"if you knock off of work around five,
here's two pubs where a guy might revive:
the frog hair is fine,
and the ivy's divine.
but steer clear of the swan?it's a dive.
"
"oh, my love for you draws me near, baby,
and however in peril my way be,
i shall fight for your heart.
naught will keep us apart,
and i'll never equivocate. (maybe.)
"
"i didn't quite catch what you said?
it went in and right out of my head,
but it sounded aspersive.
please be more discursive.
""the slim brick socks piggins""!? you're dead!
"
"it's a sea-slug that people prepare
as food (in east asia somewhere).
it's a language as well;
what might be, can you tell,
b?che-de-mer for the word b?che-de-mer?
"
"few water-borne bugs are as sly as is
the fluke that will give bilharziasis:
it got in the fonts
of a baptistery once,
and infected the whole of the diocese.
"
"what a fall i had, leaving a bo?te!
was i drunk? i admit it ? somo?te.
but the real reason why
was a fruit-stall nearby,
where i slipped on a rotten cumquo?te.
"
"a grumpy old man of berlin
thought wagner a terrible din:
so he couldn't endure a
single bar of walk?re,
""and as for that dire lo-hen-grin?!""
"
"a big gun may often be hired
when a business success is required;
yet it seems that if you
have a target in view,
then the big gun will have to be fired.
"
"""to burgle, to steal and to rob is
the sum of my favourite hobbies;
no scotland yard clown
will e'er track me down,
for they ?"" [exit, pursued by the bobbies].
"
"on a nature walk, studying botany,
our teacher enquired, ""did you spot any
pretty flowery plants?""
one girl thought she said ""pants"",
and said, ""please, teacher, i haven't got any.""
"
"each new catholic priest used to get a
peculiar hat, a biretta,
upon ordination
as a mark of his station:
too clerical ? now they know betta.
"
"""what's that creature?"" i asked gerald durrell.
he replied: ""i should say it's a bharal,
'cause it bleats 'bhaa, bhaa, bhaa'.
i can't tell from this far
if the beast is a bhoy or a gharal.""
"
"in a posting, if you have some doubt
if your statements will really stand out,
then perhaps you had better
use caps, or block letter.
(that is, if you really must shout.)
"
"the golden fleece ? that was the cargo
that jason shipped home in the argo;
here's the speech made in port
by the bold argonaut:
************************1
"
"to a black mass  ? that's where i have been:
i had hoped to see something obscene.
it was held in the night
and without any light,
so a mass of black's all that i've seen.
"
"having checked on the birth situation,
the midwife's in some consternation:
the baby, to wound her
fine feelings, just mooned her! ?
you see, it's a breech presentation.
"
"a fellow who thought he would try an
assault on a lovely bisayan
found she'd fiercely resist
and could wield a neat fist:
one lovely black eye ? and one cyan.
"
"some fishes are sullen and snappy;
and others, one has to call sappy.
the black crappie, a sunfish,
is really a fun fish:
not black in mood ? more happy-crappie.
"
"australians say it's all hooey
that a swagman will carry a bluey;
no antipodean
has a bag more plebeian
than a suitcase by vuitton (yes, louis).
"
"the ghost walks: it's father, to say
how mother and uncle betray;
hamlet takes a ""bare bodkin""
to escape from his odd kin ?
but relents (and thus saves shakespeare's play).
"
"there was a young woman named loring
who woke in the night to hear snoring;
""my goodness!"" she said,
""who's this man in my bed?
oh, of course ? i got married. how boring.""
"
"an unhappy rape victim in penge
was asked how she'd like to avenge
this despicable crime;
she replied (for the rhyme):
""human sacrifice, please, at stonehenge.""
"
"a zebra, imported to italy
for the vatican zoo, observed wittily:
""though myself i am bichrome,
for its colour i like rome,
and i think i contrast very prettily.""
"
"the army once sought to engage a
recruit from the people called beja;
but they had to await a
good beja translator
for ""kiss me goodnight, sergeant-major"".
"
"i once knew a doctor joanna,
who spent what she'd saved when she ran a
paediatric department
on a lavish apartment;
and she called it (oh dear!) ""bedside manor"".
"
"an astronomer, scanning bo?tes,
said, ""mankind must beware! this is no tease:
there is life on arcturus
that cannot endure us;
it's not friendly ? and that's a litotes.""
"
"__________________________________________
| when at last opportunity knocks,????????|
| you must show you're as smart as a fox:?|
| don't be bugged by routine,?????????????|
| let your brilliance be seen?????????????|
| by thinking...??????????????????????????| outside of the box.
"
"an unfortunate lady named ella
was given the push by her fella
on account of b.o.;
she just didn't know,
because her best friends wouldn't tell her.
"
"my father's convinced he's a horse,
which impedes conversation, of course.
if my mother should say,
""want some lunch?"", he'll just neigh.
as for me, i'm bilingual, perforce.
"
"a betel nut is, you'd expect,
a lover of beetles. correct?
no, it's something you chew
(wrapped in betel leaves too)
to achieve a narcotic effect.
"
"in a room with a view (set in florence),
there were those who held sex in abhorrence;
	should they curse their hard fate or
	just blame their creator?
e.m. forster was no d.h. lawrence.
"
"clementi might well have been easier,
yet that night i played mozart?to please ya.
you say you've forgotten
my music? how rotten!
it must be acousmatamnesia.
"
"the belgian hare might have to pass
a bilingual exam in school class,
but it's really a rabbit,
so it's just a bad habit
to call it a li?vre or a haas.
"
"in the convent of st. francis xavier,
the nuns are awaiting the saviour
and kneeling to pray.
sociologists say,
""look ? that's acting collective behavior.""
"
"at the ritz, when i suddenly fell,
i was raised by the ma?tre d'h?tel,
who advised, ""please be calm, cher
monsieur; take this armchair,
and sit there until you feel well.""
"
"i was doing some woodwork in bristol,
and my friend said, ""do borrow my chisel!
if you should need another,
apply to my brother:
if mine doesn't work, i'm sure his'll.""
"
"said the photograph editor: ""go up
to baghdad: i want a good blow-up
of your best front-line shot.""
but when witnessing what
a blow-up means here, i must throw up.
"
"in the band, we would keep a close guard on
the fellow who played the bombardon:
it amused him to blow
now and then, a low do,
like a burp ? and he never said ""pardon!""
"
"a limerick's first rhyme we'll call a;
a second line rhymes the same way;
but line three has rhyme b,
backed by four, as you see;
and a final a. simple, i'd say.
"
"i'm becoming (or so says my wife) an
arch-idler, just wasting my life in
a quest for a rhyme
(which takes up all my time)
for words that start ""angel-plus-hyphen"".
"
"i've not seen my cousins, on rottum,
for so long i've almost forgot 'em.
they are, i've now found,
fundamentally sound,
yes, in fact quite good fellows at bottom.
"
"as a man, if you go for a tinkle,
take care, so as not to besprinkle
the floor or the seat ?
dry for bum, dry for feet.
(says my wife: ""now that is a good wrinkle."")
"
"a theology student (a godly 'un),
at oxford, behaved rather oddly: 'n
urge to confess
made him tip off the press
that he'd found lots of porn in the bodleian.
"
"""i know that i'm asian, and newly
arrived, and my skills are not truly
developed, and so
you can make my pay low,
but stop calling me that,"" he said coolly.
"
"his dislike for his cellmate was hearty.
what to do? nothing subtle or arty:
he jumped him and wrapped him
in bedding, then sapped him?
he threw him a nice blanket party.
"
"my remote and i live the clich?:
i point at the tube, click away.
but the surfing i tout
could not happen without
the right battery type: aaa.
"
"her grooming last winter was lax.
at the mirror now, not wearing slacks,
she alerts her salon:
""with this bathing suit on,
i am fimbriate?time for a wax!""
"
"he considers four casks: a. ros?,
then b. zin, c. moselle, d. cuv?e,
each a nine-gallon size.
as for which one he buys,
he emphatically says, ""firkin a!""
"
"the powers-that-be strike a chord
through subliminal cues for the horde,
which we're trained to not notice.
i'm blaming the potus!
(feeling nervous? you won't find the fnord.)
"
"""as your lawyer, i'll stress: it's no myth?
when you drink, you're loquacious. the pith
of my counsel to you
is, whatever you do,
when you testify, don't bleed the fifth.""
"
"the five-finger discount applies
to the price of a shoplifter's prize,
unless praxis demands
he use both of his hands
for an item that's way oversize.
"
"this figurehead gets lots of looks,
but he's not merely one of the schnooks,
and his power is real:
he is quite the big deal,
for he balances all of the books.
"
"look, i know you feel mortified. fine!
but you drank all my fortified wine:
the marsala, the sherry?
what made you most merry?
the tawny, you portified swine!
"
"at a tavern in spain there's a rota:
when a guest doesn't finish his bota,
in turn, every waiter
gets sooner or later
to drink it ? and then dance the jota.
"
"on deck i bumped into the bos'n,
(i was blinded perhaps by the los'n);
after curses infernal
his reproof was paternal:
""at sea you must mind how you gos'n!""
"
"said a swan, ""as on opera i dote,
i had hoped to contribute my note;
in bayreuth my audition
killed all such ambition,
but i've got a job ? towing a boat.""
"
"captain dreyfus had reason to know,
at his trial, the word bordereau:
that piece of pure fiction
secured his conviction.
ah well, it's a long time ago.
"
"my book about dogs would be better
without misprints ('round every tenth letter!).
you can see what's the trouble in
""pritned in dublin"" ?
the work of a wild irish setter.
"
"that fellow there playing the bombard
by descent (so he says) is a lombard;
as musician (not banker)
an absolute wanker:
i'm trying to get his ""om-pom"" barred.
"
"our fellow men?  let the lord guard 'em,
we've maltreated, we've feathered and tarred 'em,
we've exploited, oppressed
(you and i, like the rest):
what happened to abou ben adhem?
"
"the verse-writing program i've bought,
for windows, won't work as it should;
till the end of the line
it works perfectly well,
but the last word won't be what you expected.
"
"how stupid to sit on and squash
this black cohosh in oshkosh! my gosh!
when with patience and pain
i had sought this bugbane.
(now my pants are in need of a wash.)
"
"i'm greatly attached to the hyph-
en; you'll probably think that i'm trif-
ling, but splitting the syll-
ables, if it's done skill-
fully, gives the verse rhythm and life.
"
"the delicacy known as a blin
is a pancake, of buckwheat, and thin,
(the plural i've seen is
either blini or blinis),
and it's filled with sour cream, folded in.
"
"there was an old man with a beard
who said, ""it is just as i feared:
the owls and the wren,
the larks and the hen
caught bird flu. they've all disappeared.""
"
"said a printer whose name was bill barrett,
while correcting a proof in a garret;
""in the printing trade, we
strive for accuracy
by using the stick and the caret.""
"
"our captain is very cantankerous.
distracted, because he was rancorous,
he somehow was able
to lose the ship's cable,
which means we have nothing to anchor us.
"
"last night i lay half cataleptic,
in fact i don't think that i slept (tick);
for my clock in the dark (tick)
would, too audibly, mark (tick)
how the seconds inexorably crept (tick).
"
"my big toe's developed a bunion ?
now the obvious rhyme here is onion.
while ok in line two,
in line five it won't do;
let the last rhyming word be a funny 'un.
"
"a collector of coins named giordano
observed that in banks now there are no
more shillings; and yet
it's a ""bob"" that you'll get
if you ask for a boliviano.
"
"a friend's place is where you can blow in,
like that, uninvited, and knowin'
you'll get offered a drink
(even though he may think,
""i wonder how soon he'll be goin'?"").
"
"there's a fact, when i lecture my class on
arms and armour, i take care to pass on:
this word means the bow
of the saddle, and so
not the part that you settle your ar?on.
"
"though i'm fighting alone contra mundum,
my foes will soon find i've outgunned 'em
in terms of morale:
in their faces i snarl,
""illegitimis nil carborundum.""
"
"in 1773
british tea chests were thrown in the sea ?
a gesture quite lost on
the people of boston
who longed for a nice cup of tea.
"
"the brambles, in thickets so serried
in my garden, have got me quite worried;
though i can't kill their root,
i can still pick the fruit:
they're not dead, but at least they are berried.
"
"am i dreaming? no, make no mistake:
that beta wave can't be a fake.
my encephalogram
seems to prove that i am
completely alert and awake.
"
"bigeminal pulse, that's what some
people have; it goes double (how rum!):
two beats, then a pause.
but mine is like yours ?
oedilfers' hearts beat ""da-da-dum"".
"
"""my first name,"" said beth, when i met her,
""is simply an alphabet letter
(corresponding to b)
in hebrew, you see,
so written siht ekil it looks better.""
"
"how should anapest now be defined?
to instance poor anna's unkind,
but last night, in a bar,
she went really too far:
we saw anapest out of her mind.
"
"when we set the dean's office on fire,
the cops brought a large black maria
for the ride to the station;
but to their frustration
i deflated the offside rear tyre.
"
"it was bruited that catherine the great
selected a horse for her mate.
men spread this canard
'cause they took it so hard
that a woman took over the state.
"
"cried a fiery lady called jen:
""let us all wear our stockings again
and suspenders ? no panty-
hose, girls, for we're anti-
feministic: we dress to please men!""
"
"in the outback, if you're feeling chilly,
just heat up some tea in a billy;
that's a can on the fire,
not a goat from the byre.
(you knew what i meant ? don't be silly!)
"
"target-shooting i simply adore;
and although i am short i still score.
i could go on for hours
describing my powers
and ensure that you're thinking small bore.
"
"my grave shall be biodynamic:
as a corpse, you will find that i am ec-
ologically pure
for re-use as manure;
except my false teeth ? they're ceramic.
"
"when someone imported the blueweed
to the us, it grew and it grew; he'd
have done better to let it
alone where he met it:
it's risky to bring in a new weed!
"
"as a doctor, i'm combating  blackwater
 in countries that frequently lack water,
where my skilled ministrations
save whole populations;
but careerwise, i'm stuck in a backwater.
"
"a person who books is a booker;
that girl over there is a looker,
but it's i who have looked
at her charms, and been hooked:
does it follow she must be a hooker?
"
"when jack aubrey's ship finished a fight,
his rigging was in a sad plight:
the ropes were all frayed
in the bight, where belayed;
and his barque was much worse than his bight.
"
"to blackleg is really not cricket.
it's a habit? you really should kick it.
you will end in rehab,
for they say of a scab:
""it'll never get well if you pick it"".
"
"it's the merchants that put christmas trees on
each corner, and commerce the reason:
did the prophets foresee
what the profits would be
at this much angel-heralded season?
"
"""this organ,"" says bach, as he kicks it,
""it's broken? that's your ipse dixit.
should you mend it? first i'll
check its musical style:
if it isn't baroque, we won't fix it.""
"
"while a black dwarf emits little light,
yet a star it is, in its own right:
there's no racism in heaven,
yet for disney the seven
comprised no black star in snow white.
"
"using web log, i'd say, is pass?.
it's replaced by just one word today.
we condensed it to 'blog,
and then went the whole hog:
the apostrophe's faded away.
"
"had you heard of actinouranium
(which should not be confused with titanium)?
does ""u-235""
any mem'ry revive
somewhere down in the depths of your cranium?
"
"a student of astrolithology
had a vice he would never acknowledge: he
would go out at night
with a meteorite...
(i can't bear to say more; my apology.)
"
"a rowing blue managed to be
elected a tory mp;
said he, ""i'm so glad
that i canvassed like mad,
for i won by a canvas, you see!""
"
"you sing it ? i'll back you on bongos,
i just need to know how the song goes;
should i give you more ""bim""
from the right one ? that's him ?
or more ""bom"", which is how the left one goes?
"
"there was a young wife of darjeeling
who said, ""i've a definite feeling,
from the look in your eyes,
it'll be no surprise
if i end up admiring the ceiling.""
"
"a plausible fellow named edward
kept hoping that something he said would
be effective in urgin'
a nervous young virgin
to follow where edward led ? bedward.
"
"though rowing, he said, was his sport,
his catching a crab set at naught
the crew's prospects of winning.
(and that evening, while sinning,
'twas crabs in the plural he caught.)
"
"the carollers drank too much sherry.
silent night? no, cacophonous (very).
they totally botched
their ""while shepherds watched"";
god rest you, gents, now that you're merry.
"
"the libidinous rector of stiffkey
was heard one day asking a biffkey:
	""what odds for a bet
	that i never will get
defrocked just because i like niffkey?""
"
"i've been training a shark, an alopius
vulpinus, to catch for me copious
supplies of small fish.
reincarnate, he'd wish
you to know he was once walter gropius.
"
"the cheese called baita friuli
is my favourite, really and truly;
you can't get it in town,
so you have to go down
to a delicatessen in beaulieu.
"
"""as a monarch, my place is the top;
but my ratings are tending to drop.
these rumours of regicide
make me feel edgy,"" sighed
charles. ""guess it's me for the chop.""
"
"my wife is a masochist; so,
when she casually trod on my toe,
the look in her eyes meant
she wanted chastisement.
i'm a sadist. i smiled, and said, ""no.""
"
"until it developed, no role
existed for access control;
but the need was still felt,
so the chastity belt
was devised to attain the same goal.
"
"said the judge, ""i am shocked that you dare
commit battery; i shall take care
that this circuit is short.""
an electrified court
heard the judge say, ""on this charge ? the chair!""
"
"in the salt-marsh, the rebels had got
a new launcher, with missiles (a lot).
their potential for harm
got a shot in the arm
from their having an arm in the chott.
"
"each time trajan had just won a war,
he built an arch, marking his score;
but researches archival
show he had an arch-rival:
augustus erected still more.
"
"a sudden sternutative spasm
left my father's jaws showing a chasm
whence his false teeth had flown;
said he, with a groan,
""ah well, let 'em gnash 'em as 'as 'em.""
"
"cried a ghost who was haunting an inn,
""i'm a drunkard who died of his sin;
if i'd only liked toddy less
i'd not now be bodiless,
with no mouth for the drink to go in!""
"
"four minutes' worth, here on the page,
of silence, supplied by john cage:
.
.
(yes, sometimes it seems like an age.)
"
"my rock-loving son has now found
how to blast me with rhythms that pound;
despite the cacophony,
he'll never turn off any
part of his system of sound.
"
"to her man said lorena l. bobbitt,
""you're a pain ? like an over-sexed hobbit;
if you show it erect to me,
a rapid penectomy
of its pow'r to disturb will soon rob it.""
"
"is he planning another campaign?
shock-and-awe stuff all over again?
""let's topple that man
who's now running iran!""
it is plain that the plan is insane.
"
"i've in hand the infinitive thesis
on malapropism: some pieces
are replete in ms,
but i have to profess
i've misled them ? a real catachresis.
"
"in a cave near the mediterranean
we sheltered (the day was a rainy 'un);
while thus cavernicolous
my girl suffered knicker loss,
and we sampled delights subterranean.
"
"i find it amazing how loose is
the method of checking acusis:
it's to shout in each ear,
""i say, can you hear?""
(the procedure has led to abuses.)
"
"hans keller once mentioned to me,
""in k?chel fife hundert und sree,
there's a heautiful tune
in the hass, for hassoon.""
(for germans use h to mean b.)
"
"he loves showing off his bicepses,
but i view this display with some scepsis:
no-one's seen him (to date)
lift a heavier weight
than a big mac and chips and two pepsis.
"
"a gifted researcher named beth
is at work on the answer to death:
it's said she's so clever
we'll soon live for ever!
perhaps. i'm not holding my breath.
"
"in its festival bregenz presents
plays and other dramatic events,
all performed on the lake.
(all that water must make
for a rush, between acts, on the gents.)
"
"there's a moist exudation that's welling
from trees (genus prunus excelling);
it's called cherry-tree gum.
(guess who might have used some
for mending the tree he'd been felling?)
"
"said the bailiff, ""ya see this 'ere capias?""
i looked: i had just been as happy as
could be; that was gone
as the fellow went on:
""it means i'm arresting your crappy ass.""
"
"the creation is where we begin,
so to say we've evolved is a sin.
taxonomical niches
do not contain species:
you must use the term baramin.
"
"if you long for a learned retirement;
or of course if you greatly desire ment-
al challenge and knowledge,
by all means go to college;
that's the first academic requirement.
"
"in the bronze age, men already knew
how to make one new metal from two.
blending copper and tin,
that was how to begin;
better weapons the object in view.
"
"he was charged with indecent assault.
""i admit it ? it wasn't her fault,""
said the culprit, when cautioned,
""she was so well-proportioned ?
and i'd drunk much too much single malt.""
"
"""dear freddie, you're working too hard,""
cried george sand, laying lunch in the yard.
""how goes the new ballad?
and would you like salad?""
""d'you mind?"" he replied. ""it's ballade!""
"
"said my five-year-old daughter, ""miss muffet?
with a lactic repast on a tuffet,
and there came an arachnid?
that tale is so hackneyed
that frankly, papa, you can stuff it!""
"
"canary seed? really? how sweet!
to grow one, thought i, would be neat;
but nobody told me
the seed that they sold me
was stuff for the creatures to eat.
"
"the anti-abortionists cursed
when the judges put women's rights first;
they were really dismayed
by roe versus wade,
and are hoping to get it reversed.
"
"in my mobile they've managed to hide
a camera, designed to provide,
during each conversation,
a representation
of what my ear looks like inside.
"
"the economy's looking quite boomy,
with scope for investment that's roomy.
but i chose to sell short
when i ought to have bought,
and that's why i'm looking so gloomy.
"
"in conclave confined, day and night,
the cardinals ballot (or fight);
the stern camerlengo
will not let his men go
till the smoke from the chimney is white.
"
"when the bront?s their writings began
(that's emily, charlotte and anne),
each was just ""mr bell""
so that no-one could tell
that not one of the three was a man.
"
"with devotion i'd call masochistic,
you've made my lim more anapaestic,
and spent endless time
in improving my rhyme;
now that's what i call altruistic!
"
"a castrato am i; i'd be great
as a singer, but not on a date.
i've the surgeon to thank
that i always fire blank;
would you want to sing, in my state?
"
"catastrophic, my urge for you, dearie,
disastrously sudden, and eerie;
you're the causative factor,
a real ""strange attractor"",
as explained in catastrophe theory.
"
"cartographers draw us nice maps,
while biographers write about chaps.
to map my career
i suppose i should see a
good cartobiographer? (p'rhaps.)
"
"an ingenious young farmer of wymondham
grew peaches; to store them he tymondham.
but the outcome was sad:
the whole lot went bad.
with great disappointment he bymondham.
"
"to the lark you can hearken, or hark;
and the darkness is also the dark.
thus, at least in my eyes,
there's no need for surprise
that charcoal is also called chark.
"
"in my novel, a diary of woe
in the alps (1660 or so),
to make it look pepys-ier
i scrapped chionablepsia
in favour of ""blindne?s from ?now"".
"
"says the mullah: ""a girl's not a boy"";
but the arguments he will deploy
for clitoridectomy
seem utter dreck to me:
why shouldn't girls also enjoy?
"
"""a circular triangle? wait?
how's that possible? someone please state.""
""it's an arc that provides
each one of the sides;
as with sex, they don't have to be straight.""
"
"we get bhang from an indian plant
known as hemp; it's a drug. but we can't
well distinguish, if heard,
other bangs from that word:
like the noise when i blew up my aunt.
"
"the optician, while putting some drops in
my eyes, talked of bathorhodopsin.
such deep erudition
aroused my suspicion;
but i've no grounds for calling the cops in.
"
"let us celebrate gilbert keith chesterton:
all who heard him were deeply impressed at an
earnest debate,
where his words carried weight;
(and his own weight was, one would have guessed, a ton.)
"
"at one time, the girls would be chaste;
one who wasn't would soon be disgraced.
do they now get their joys
from pursuing the boys?
in the old days, 'twas fun to be chased.
"
"you required of me total immersion
in the tale of your recent conversion
and ambitions monastic.
yes, thanks, that's fantastic.
(i hope you'll become a cistercian.)
"
"a cunning young lover called ifor
wrote odes to his girlfriend in cipher;
if you once knew the key
(and the girl), you'd agree
that her $?%*&5 was really to die for.
"
"your career is at stake, you should know,
and you don't want that guy as a foe.
though his title ain't fancy,
to mock him is chancy:
that fellow's the president's beau.
"
"some bigots who visited cannes
demanded a gay-movie ban
and, in ads quite extensive,
they screamed, ""it's offensive!""
they failed; viewers raved to a man.
"
"the staff level shrank by attrition,
notwithstanding the workload addition.
no employees were fired,
but many retired,
fulfilling the cost-cutting mission.
"
"there once was a drunken, loud fellow
who ordered his drinks with a bellow.
then they put him on meds.
now he's placid, instead,
and quite boring, since turning so mellow.
"
"""i'm worried i won't pass the bar,""
cried the would-be attorney (no star).
his career he regretted.
strung out, how he fretted:
he shouldn't have quit the guitar.
"
"i  haven't been carded in years,
but the last time it brought me to tears.
i was laughing, i mean:
to be seen as a teen
by a fellow whose folks were my peers.
"
"a hollywood agent's creation
needs worshipful love from our nation,
if he wants to go far
as an a-level star,
and to profit from blind adulation.
"
"there are folks who like food rather bland,
where all trace of flavor's been banned.
but if i had my wishes,
they'd serve fiery dishes
in every joint in the land.
"
"there are sticklers who never will brook
broken rules when they work, play, or cook.
they are often uptight
and quite sure that they're right.
such is life when you go by the book.
"
"""being accurate's highly essential.
this is math, not some course existential.""
we enjoyed a brief laugh
at the lecturer's gaffe,
for our subject was jurisprudential.
"
"my favourite park is  new york's
central park, with its lawns and its walks;
'twas designed by a brit
(and by olmsted ? a bit);
so three cheers for uk's calvert vaux!
"
"a baptism's meant to expel
the devil, and here's how to tell:
folk carefully listened
when an infant was christened;
at his exit the baby would yell.
"
"yes, chymopapain's surprizing:
you can use it for sort of down-sizing
the disks in your spine
if they're painful (works fine),
and also for meat-tenderizing.
"
"mr bookseller, what's this you offer us?
if you'll just take the dust-wrapper off for us ?
why, the pages are fine,
but it hasn't a spine!
it's certainly not acanthophorous.
"
"consider that slim caryatid,
in greek tunic, with hair neatly plaited;
for that weight on her head
you'd expect there, instead,
a he-man, in boots and hard-hatted.
"
"the great calydonian boar
was a monster in ancient greek lore,
not a talkative scot.
(this line would have got
me, in glasgow, a punch in the jaw.)
"
"an opera singer named queenie
put on turandot, sung in chimwini;
""i do what i can to
enlighten the bantu,""
said she, ""and they quite like puccini.""
"
"when katrina caused ruin and blowdown,
in priority, rescue came low down.
and therefore, george w.,
we are sorry to trouble you,
but we think it is time for a showdown.
"
"these days i get dreamier and dreamier;
each time you oedilf people see me 'ere
my obsession grows worse:
to define here, in verse,
acute nonlymphocytic leukemia.
"
"a stout girl named chris (a levantine)
refused, with a will adamantine,
to lose weight when told;
then she dressed up in gold
and in ivory: chryselephantine.
"
"said the wife to her man, ""i've been canned;
from my workplace, officially banned.
they claim i'm disloyal;
they saw you buy oil?
our biggest competitor's brand.""
"
"""you don't care about others.  you're callous,""
said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice.
""well, you haven't been sweet,""
he replied in a beat,
""since the night that  we wed, my dear alice.""
"
"""i'll be blunt,"" said the woman in black.
""you're a crude and incompetent hack.""
at her words so direct,
which continued unchecked,
her assistant yelled, ""cut me some slack!""
"
"a litigant's lawyer needs zeal
when he argues a client's appeal.
court reversals are healing
for parties appealing,
but cause their opponents to reel.
"
"the inmate was bad to the bone.
he was evil and cold as a stone.
so when up for parole,
and with freedom his goal,
he still struck quite a truculent tone.
"
"this accountant is no cpa,
though he hopes to become one some day.
the exams are a trial,
but they're surely worthwhile:
he'll track money for much better pay.
"
"the most colorful season of all
is autumn, which many call fall.
it's the time when leaves die
in a feast for the eye,
and fat turkeys await their last call.
"
"when symphony instruments tune,
they're not matching the flute or bassoon;
it's the first oboe's ""a""
that the strings must obey.
if they don't, be prepared for high noon.
"
"a butcher once had quite a beef.
his grievance? a meat-stealing thief,
a man who, when caught,
claimed the beef had been bought.
'twas a story that beggared belief.
"
"deserting my day-to-day scramble
when the weather is nice, i will amble,
just taking my time
while i'm still in my prime,
my terminus strictly a gamble.
"
"that isn't a flute, you buffoon.
it's a deep double reed?a bassoon.
a prokofiev fan, lad,
would know it's pete's granddad.
too bad that he's way out of tune.
"
"""i think astral projection's a crock,""
said a stuffy and cynical doc.
""the mere concept's a con;
a live jack, jill, or john
cannot make their mind/body unlock.""
"
"his assets are huge. yes, he's rich.
he complains that his tax bill's a bitch.
but i'd not be surprised
if his worth were disguised
just in time for his seven-year itch.
"
"""the comedian wasn't amusing,""
said the patron. ""in fact, he's confusing.
i never once laughed.
all his jokes were quite daft,
and for most of the show, i was snoozing.""
"
"you lied in your last deposition,
further weak'ning your flimsy position.
i've been fleeced, i can see?
it's apparent to me?
so an out-of-court deal ain't my mission.
"
"""ow! my tooth aches,"" a man told the nurse,
whose answer was biting and terse:
""the doc's in a tizzy.
his schedule's too busy.
take asp'rin. come back when it's worse.""
"
"you have offered to settle this case
for a sum that's a patent disgrace.
you're a bad plastic surgeon.
your surgery's vergin'
on crime, so a jury you'll face.
"
"you should never play cards on a lark
with a vegas-style card-wielding shark.
whether blackjack or poker,
don't deal with a joker
and gamble at being a mark.
"
"the mexican said to the gringo,
""i'm very confused by your lingo.
it's the name of a game,
yet your use seems the same
as correct and quite accurate.""  ""bingo!""
"
"said a guy who, i'm sure, is a sleaze,
""you can makes lots of cash. it's a breeze.
in a blink of an eye...""
""not so fast,"" i reply.
""you're arrested, so come with me, please.""
"
"""i asked you to play amoroso;
the result, i'm afraid, was just so-so.
this morning's audition
shows you're no musician.""
""you think so?"" ""goddammit, i know so!""
"
"a precocious young schoolgirl named wendy
thought limerick-writing was trendy;
but her school english master
thought it quite a disaster:
""it's just caco?thes scribendi!""
"
"when franco became el caudillo,
as ruler of spain, in the geo-
political scene he
liked both mussolini
and hitler ? a horrible trio.
"
"""angel music?"" said mozart, ""sublime;
i'm in heaven, of course. and yet ? i'm
reluctant to carp,
but the sound of the harp
does get tedious after a time.""
"
"the choirmaster thoroughly ticked us
off for a poor benedictus;
but we in the choir
are unmoved by his ire ?
it was he, after all, who hand-picked us.
"
"when samson, a captive, and blinded,
lost his temper: 3009 dead.
all but one were his foes,
plus himself. well, who knows ?
was he valiant or just bloody-minded?
"
"my beloved has every grace;
jacob's beauty is seen in her face.
she will blush like a rose
if i also disclose:
she has esau's too (guess in what place?).
"
"as he comes to the end of life's road,
this old man has to creep like a toad;
but no pity he begs,
for he boasts that his legs
may be bloody, but still they're unbowed.
"
"to a physicist (out of depravity)
i told a rude joke. with great suavity
he asked, ""is that funny?""
this response (for my money)
established his absolute gravity.
"
"i bought an old statue of rustum,
in bronze, with a lot of aes ustum ?
artificially made
by means known to the trade:
art dealers? you just cannot trust 'em.
"
"is this lampshade antique or just old?
they tell me it's rare.  i'm not sold.
but i had it appraised
and was rather amazed:
it's worth thousands, though covered in mold.
"
"the minute she walked in the door,
she was trapped by a talkative bore.
though he thought he was deep,
she was soon deep asleep.
they should bottle this guy. what a snore!
"
"i know why she's looking so sad.
that poor woman, her spouse is a cad.
he mistreats her and beats her.
quite often he cheats her.
divorce is too good for that lad.
"
"when my hot cappuccino's denied me,
i am steamed. i must have it inside me.
please beware of my ire.
my need is quite dire.
espresso/foamed milk, or else hide me!
"
"i prefer to catch movies at home,
not in theaters where tall fellows roam.
there they prowl, on the hunt
for the seat right in front,
to bestow a great view of their dome.
"
"my new laptop refuses to boot,
so i'm thinking of filing a suit.
plug and play this sure ain't.
if it started, i'd faint.
lots of loot for this trash don't compute.
"
"my spouse likes to lie in the sun,
absorbing those rays just for fun.
as for me, i hate sweat.
i'd not bask on a bet.
it's unsav'ry to bake till you're done.
"
"this is bedlam! 'most everything's strewn
on the floor.  did we have a typhoon?
this looks like the work
of my ex, who's a jerk
with the grace of a teenaged baboon.
"
"her appearance took all by surprise,
for her hair had succumbed to some dyes.
her lush tresses, once red,
were now turquoise instead.
say goodbye to that westminster prize!
"
"your argument doesn't make sense.
it's absurd and illogical. hence,
i must find for the plaintiff.
you've lost this insane tiff.
you simply don't have a defense.
"
"my wife just adores the carnivora,
so for christmas i thought i would give her a
bear, as a treat.
to the bear, she was meat ?
i got home just in time to deliver her.
"
"a limerick's law ? magna carta;
a rule of the weight of lex lata;
by this one rule of thumb
(be you never so dumb)
avoid having to list your errata.
"
"the system of capitulations
was imposed on ""inferior"" nations
by colonial powers ?
a process that sours,
in the long run, their mutual relations.
"
"i'll warn you now, mon, that you will
trip up soon, oh so soon, on the sill
of the lab: as a trick
i have left there my bic,
to trip you, and give you a spill.
"
"when you travel, avoid the temptation
of those cheap flights ? to what destination?
if you go to a bucket
shop, maybe nantucket
will be where you will spend your vacation.
"
"it seems there are bogies galore:
there is bogey in golf ? that's a score;
bogie ? part of a train;
and bogy ? the bane
of the ghost story. know any more?
"
"a support with three legs is a tripod;
with two legs, it must be a bipod.
but here's a new thought:
what provides my support
has no legs at all ? it's my ipod.
"
"alas for the bold capercailzie:
as he strode through the heather so gailzie,
he was suddenly shot
by a bloodthirsty scot
who goes out with his shotgun twice dailzie.
"
"from the outset their love was ill-starred,
carmen and her boy from the guard:
that it wouldn't end well
she could sadly foretell,
when she kept turning up the same card.
"
"there was a young lady of york
who fell prey, on a bird-watching walk,
to a randy old twitcher
who proceeded to ditch her:
the next bird she saw was the stork.
"
"i admit that i'm bad with a rake,
and disposing of leaves makes me quake.
so that pile?i ignored it,
but then was rewarded
with saplings?benign neglect's wake.
"
"""do not bait me,"" he said, eyes aflash,
""cause, i warn you, to do so is rash.
be advised: don't debate me.
opponents soon hate me
for smashing their trash-talk to hash.""
"
"it was over before it began.
i snuck out when he went to the can.
though i never could date him,
i didn't berate him
for trying to pass as a man.
"
"if you're broke, it ain't smart to defame
an affluent fellow's good name.
with his pockets so deep,
your defense won't be cheap.
no, the law ain't a poor person's game.
"
"""my wife goes ballistic each year.
she gets mad when i shoot me a deer,""
said a man with a cause:
stopping gun-control laws.
""now i fear she'll appear with a spear.""
"
"what lush alliteration you've written!
with your consonant usage, i'm smitten.
my pleasure compounds
as those similar sounds
repeat and poetically fit in.
"
"the fellow's attractive and clever.
and he's charming, near forty and never
has been wed or come close,
so i must diagnose
him a bachelor; quite single, forever.
"
"""my son is forgetful and lazy.
he's so careless, he's driving me crazy.
he makes needless mistakes,
though he's got what it takes.
where's my wallet? it's all very hazy.""
"
"these armchairs are tacky and lack
sound support for my weary old back.
their seats are too deep
and their prices too steep.
ow! what's this in my tushie?  a tack!
"
"whenever publicity's needed,
o'donnell and trump seem to feed it
by starting a feud
with each other. how rude!
to both i can only say, ""beat it!""
"
"those new girls in accounts will do fine.
the task of assessment is mine,
and (let's have no sniggers)
to check out their figures,
i've looked for the real bottom line.
"
"at the deathbed of poor little mimi, a
consumptive (or was it anaemia?),
said her lover, rodolfo,
""i'm taking up golf; oh ?
i've had quite enough of bohemia!""
"
"this writing is called boustrophedon ?
no deen dluow uoy thguoht uoy gnihtemos ton
this limerick site:
thgir/tfel neht, tfel/thgir tsuj
that's how it is done, so now read on...
"
"a warning to people who chew gum:
if you're looking for some sort of new gum,
don't travel to oz
to seek it because
you have heard of australian blue gum.
"
"an elderly japanese bonze
loved a young english girl ? b.a. (hons.)
in japanese studies.
food first made them buddies:
she liked sushi ? he liked tea and scones.
"
"my cat ate some cheese: now what for?
a trick learned from old feline lore:
for she patiently waited,
claws out, and with bated
breath, poised at a mouse's front door.
"
"he was called capability brown
(adjectival use, this, of a noun),
the parks that he planned
looked like natural land
with ""improvements"" ? and hence his renown.
"
"full of sex and obscene titillation,
my verses oft cause a sensation;
but alas! what i write
for oedilf (that's this site)
is subjected to bowdlerization.
"
"were you asking me, ""what's cd4?""
""glycoprotein,"" i'd say; there is more
on this subject below.
(i might also say, though,
""to write limericks and verses galore!"")
"
"though ranging's now done by computer
the term is well-known to a shooter,
when firing off groups.
(if you hit friendly troops,
the error is much absoluter.)
"
"athanasius gave them the lead,
and the nicaean council agreed:
christ is, with his father,
""one substance"". (i'd rather
not try to explain: see the creed.)
"
"a freelance mess waitress named lilian
was told, ""though you're just a civilian,
you should know where you are:
we don't serve caviare
to the general; he's one of the million!""
"
"our opera group played in havana
in a muddled mozartian manner:
we were told to let castro
go on as sarastro,
and belmonte ran off with susanna.
"
"when i went on a holy land trip, i
supposed there'd been some sort of slip; i
said, ""banias? what's this?
let's just give it a miss ?
i want caesarea philippi!""
"
"as my years attain threescore-and-ten,
i've a problem familiar to men:
we find ageing affects
our libido (that's sex).
(i still do it, though, now and again.)
"
"there are some who express condemnation
of my close academic relation,
since i sleep with the prof;
they can just [something] off?
it's connubial, our situation.
"
"when using a word, i am not
bound by dictionaries; they are all rot.
it's me that dictates
what it significates;
is that autocratic, or what?
"
"while i make it sound like a cough?
this prefix?you sound like a toff
speaking round a potato.
""chromahto""?  ""chromayto""?
oh, let's call the whole damn thing off.
"
"when crime's overwhelming the nation,
biology brings inspiration:
since it seems all else fails,
we're now building more gaols.
anti-crime? try cell proliferation.
"
"this scale, the chromatic, could be
claimed as western; but now we can see
the chinese showed the way
with the bells of hubei
more than four hundred years bce.
"
"your approach to this job's cavalier?
wearing nighties to work, drinking beer.
you may think that you're cool,
but you're really a fool
and unstable. forget this career!
"
"our roofers must enter your yard,
but their access is blocked by your guard?
that gargantuan doberman,
feared by most sober men?
and boozing pre-roofing is barred.
"
"'tis the season to buy stuff, for sure.
have you shopped? yes? then go shop some more.
that's what dubya once said
while ignoring the dead?
needless victims of dub's wanton war.
"
"springtime's coming?i simply can't wait
for my wintery blahs to abate.
but this sure doesn't mean
that i'm spring-cleaning keen;
it's the one rite of spring that i hate.
"
"to travel by plane was once pleasant,
but flying's horrific at present.
and that pre-flight routine?
those airlines must mean
to make everyone feel like a peasant.
"
"all those shelves that were heavy with wine
gave birth to this whimsy of mine:
pregnant shelves giving birth.
what would those shelves be worth?
baby bottles of wine?how divine!
"
"a bush twin (not barb, but the other)
is shopping a kid's book. oh, brother!
can jenna bush write?
do her verbal skills bite?
let us hope she takes after her mother.
"
"""tell me, why are you being so mean?""
cried the girl to the college's dean.
""i aced every test.
at my school i'm the best.""
""reapply,"" he replied, ""at thirteen.""
"
"your balance sheet doesn't compute.
these numbers are wrong at their root.
so in light of the audit,
you won't get a plaudit.
in fact, i should give you the boot.
"
"""the judge viewed your case with derision,
so he rendered an adverse decision.
but when paying my bill,
do not bear me ill will,
'cause i saved you from going to prison.""
"
"every decade i change my career.
the first used my musical ear.
i tried lawyering second,
till  humor scribe beckoned.
what's next? i just can't wait to hear.
"
"an ice shelf breaks up in the ocean.
global warming's far more than a notion
dreamed up by al gore,
though some wish to ignore
all the changes that greed's set in motion.
"
"if you can't solve a problem, expand it.
demand an enlargement. command it.
what else could explain
dubya's bellicose reign
of great terror and shame? please disband it.
"
"i beseech you, dear congress, impeach.
we need action, not speech after speech.
hey, you on the hill,
all you need is the will.
this i beg: bush's end is in reach.
"
"why on earth are cds packed so tight?
you can't hear them without a huge fight.
when you buy a cd
then your plight is to free
that damn disc. it might take you all night.
"
"when experts say wine is amusing,
it's a compliment.  ain't that confusing?
why laugh at a wine
if you think that it's fine?
methinks they do far too much boozing.
"
"we're both bossy, my husband and i.
domineering, some say with a sigh.
but though some might disparage
a two-bosses marriage,
each day is the fourth of july.
"
"though the author got major acclaim
for a well-reviewed book about fame,
his renown expertise
was worth less than a sneeze
until publishing made him a name.
"
"a techie served cookies malicious
to his team members. talk about vicious!
a promotion he chased.
he was fired post-haste?
just desserts for a guy so ambitious.
"
"a generous fellow who's wealthy,
as a donor is modestly stealthy.
but one heavenly trio
of harps cheered with brio:
""thanks, angel. our bottom line's healthy.""
"
"when a guy calls a woman a chick,
it strikes me as sexist and sick.
but my comments are tame;
unless richard's his name,
i'm polite and i don't call him dick.
"
"oh, what have i done with my list
of the things i must do to exist?
every errand and chore,
bills to pay, forms galore?
they're all itemized ... even my tryst.
"
"there's a tax form that makes me irate:
form 1040, a long form i hate,
due mid-april, each year,
with my check. (will it clear?)
it's no wonder i always file late.
"
"it appears that the bushies conspired
to ensure that some lawyers were fired,
'cause those lawyers refused
to let laws be abused.
in political crimes bush is mired.
"
"if you're running for prez and need cash,
ask some bundlers to throw you a bash.
they'll assemble small donors
(yes, givers?not loaners)
together to raise a huge stash.
"
"""pick a card"" was a phrase i would hear
as a child, from my brother, all year.
he did card tricks?his hobby.
i'd answer, quite snobby:
""magician, please go. disappear!""
"
"i once balanced my checkbook with ease.
but, alas, it's no longer a breeze.
where is each canceled check?
banking statements are dreck.
are they trying to hide all those fees?
"
"here's some bread for some bread at the store.
bring back change or you're toast, 'cause we're poor.
get me wheat bread or white,
and i'll toast it quite light.
but this dough ain't for anything more.
"
"forget the ballet!  there's no place
on the stage for a guy who lacks grace.
all your leaps and pli?s
are but shocking displays,
and your dance pace resembles a race.
"
"when i pitched my idea for a story,
my editor said, ""way too gory,""
then assigned it to jenny.
i got not one penny?
no assignment, no fame, and no glory.
"
"why does tax filing time cause such stress?
wretched forms to fill out?it's a mess!
all confused, you say, ""heck!""
then you write out a check
for what's due or, at least, your best guess.
"
"""my husband and i are estranged,""
said the wife, ""'cause he acts so deranged.
his behavior's aberrant
and vexingly errant.
i wish he could just be exchanged.""
"
"""i've no bandwidth for that,"" some folks say.
it's their style of responding, ""no way!
i've no time. i am beat.
i have deadlines to meet.
i'm maxed out. i can't help you.  okay?""
"
"""your excuse simply can't be believed.
you're a liar! i feel quite deceived,""
said the gal, as she wept,
to her lover, who'd slept
with her mother. (i guess she was peeved.)
"
"they told me to back up my drive,
which has crashed?it's no longer alive.
had i heeded their warning,
i wouldn't be mourning
my data, which didn't survive.
"
"i'll admit i was taken aback
by his mean, unexpected attack;
he cursed me, at first,
but then, in a burst,
he lunged. now my back's out of whack.
"
"who started the anti-bush club?
molly ivins, the author of shrub.
she alone had dub's number.
she warned he'd encumber
our nation as president dub.
"
"if a symphony job is your mission,
you'd better learn how to audition.
those try-outs are trying.
remember, no crying!
can't hack it? become a physician.
"
"i'm allergic to felines; i sneeze
and i tear when they're near?then i wheeze.
so i wish you had warned
that your house is adorned
with a half-hundred cats (siamese).
"
"don't ask me to bowl.  i'm the worst.
when i try to, i'm bound to be cursed.
other bowlers complain:
""you must aim for your lane!""
no more bowling, unless i'm coerced.
"
"my mind is a blank, i confess,
'cause my memory's really a mess.
i just wish that i knew
what so recently flew
from my brain. i am cuckoo, i guess.
"
"""your apology's rather belated,""
said the gal to a fellow she hated.
""your delay makes me fear
that it isn't sincere?
you still had your hair when we dated!""
"
"said the fellow, ""i need some advice.
tell me how i can catch me some mice,
'cause my wife saw some lurk
by the fridge?went berserk!
till i catch 'em, my sex life's on ice.""
"
"""i am bored,"" said the man, ""and quite blue.
life is dull?not one new thing to do.
all my toys are pass?
and my friends, d?class?.
if i weren't disbarred, i would sue.""
"
"""your complaints are quite foolish. don't carp,""
said a gal who played cello and harp.
""it is wrong to be petty.
spaghetti's spaghetti.
so what if your knife isn't sharp?""
"
"""your daughter is bold, so i'm told,""
said a neighbor, some eight decades old.
""yes, she's fearless and daring,
and you're overbearing,""
said mom to that nosy, old scold.
"
"many stores use cash rebates as lures
to get cost-conscious folks in their doors.
mail receipt with a form
and a label's the norm.
with much luck, that big refund is yours.
"
"""in all candor"" prepares me for lies
when it's said by political guys.
politicians proclaiming
they're honest are aiming
to fool us?a word to the wise.
"
"it's essential to learn from mistakes
and to not place the blame on bad breaks.
if you curse lousy luck
or try passing the buck,
run for office. you have what it takes!
"
"i don't trust you.  i'm sure that you're lying.
what you're selling, i simply ain't buying.
i can tell when you lie.
there's a tell in your eye:
you don't blink when the truth you're denying.
"
"if you'd like to convey your disdain
for a claim, you can call it insane,
hogwash, bunk, even rot,
maybe rubbish, but not
the bs-word, when in a campaign.
"
"outside our abode, it ain't nice;
there's snow on the ground and there's ice.
but i'm snug in my house?
just me and my spouse
and our mouse. leave this haven? no dice!
"
"your inventions are brilliant, it's true.
yes, you're smart; it's your rudeness i rue.
i regret that i met you,
my failure to vet you,
and, mostly, my saying, ""i do.""
"
"my neighbor's demeanor is crass
and he often behaves like an ass.
quite annoyed, though not shattered,
i sure wasn't flattered
last night, when that ass made a pass.
"
"in my twenties i substitute taught.
'tis a challenging job and it's fraught;
all those calls before dawn
to instruct devil's spawn
made me anxious, uptight?overwrought.
"
"my filters should block them, but nay!
spam emails beset me each day,
pushing stock tips, nude boys,
drugs for sex, naughty toys?
all ad nauseam. please, go away!
"
"there once was an agent, quite tough,
who cut all his deals in the buff.
when his clients asked why,
he would give this reply:
""when i'm nude, no one dares give me guff.""
"
"the solo violist played well,
with strong bowing, tone clear as a bell.
but she messed up the end;
when the time came to bend
for her bow, she got dizzy and fell.
"
"there are gals who view bras as a gift,
for without 'em their breasts are adrift.
but other gals spurn 'em,
and some even burn 'em,
giving men (and some women) a lift.
"
"buzzword bingo's a game workers play
to record pompous things people say:
with a buzzword list near,
they mark jargon they hear,
in their quest to keep boredom at bay.
"
"my writing is great, you should know,
yet you turn it all down.  what a blow!
your taste is awry,
else you surely would buy
my submissions.  i'm through.  keep your dough!
"
"they say that an apple a day
will keep that ol' doctor away.
there's a hairier task
it can't do (so don't ask),
which is holding the devil at bay.
"
"the price for this diner's a steal,
but i need you to broker the deal.
the owner is odd,
and the chef thinks he's god.
can you give them a taste of your spiel?
"
"a pair rather chintzy with cash
often hosted an odd foursome bash.
when the pizza man rang,
""give me twenty,"" they sang
to their guests?which accounts for their stash.
"
"you are banished!  please leave.  go away!
all that spam you've displayed ain't okay.
now your isp's banned,
and your porn posts are canned.
if you slip through my blocker, you'll pay!
"
"american idol's a show
i enjoy.  why? i really don't know:
awful singing, odd judging,
and, maybe, vote fudging.
i'm missing it now. gotta go!
"
"there is yoga for doggies, i swear?
caught a canine-filled class on the air;
watched the owners and pets
stretch and pose in their sweats?
cosmic moolah they must have to spare.
"
"the bartender offered cheap brandy.
""no fine cognac?"" i whined?wasn't handy.
so i had to decline,
mulled and ordered dry wine?
told the barkeep, ""your cab tastes like candy!""
"
"they said my accounting was splendid,
but told me my contract had ended.
so why was i sacked?
my report showed they lacked
enough cash?they were overextended.
"
"the captcha form used on their site
quickly conquered computerized blight,
because bots can't decode
any image it showed.
but then neither can i?there's my plight.
"
"it's important to cover all bases.
don't assume that you'll come up all aces.
so cross every t,
dot your i's, and we'll see
how you do as you go through your paces.
"
"""please help me! i really need aid,""
said a lady who looked quite afraid.
""seems i can't find my purse,
and, perhaps, even worse
it appears that my maid's been mislaid.""
"
"please calm down, take it easy; don't freak.
this is naught but a very small leak.
i know it ain't sewage
'cause sewage-type spewage
would stink till you gagged from the reek.
"
"'twas amore (yes, love) at first sight
when i met my dear husband that night.
we've been wed thirty years?
so much laughter, some tears.
mark, my husband, remains mr. right.
"
"i'm late and i can't miss this train!
it's arrived, and i'm here, yet in vain:
i must climb down these stairs,
but some guys, broad as bears,
have me blocked?all my plans down the drain.
"
"this caps it! i've lost a big filling,
so i'm in for a cap and a grilling:
""do you floss every day?
skimpy hygiene? you'll pay!""
all the jawing's as bad as the drilling.
"
"please mind your own business, i said,
to a woman whose presence i dread.
she is pushy and rude,
rather nosy and crude.
even worse?she's the gal my boss wed.
"
"a brainiac's brilliantly smart
and he knows lots of info by heart.
such a person's a whiz
at a puzzle or quiz
and can prove that he is?like descartes.
"
"we are having a foul-weather bout?
lots of snow, sleet, and hail?not a drought.
cabin fever has struck,
and my husband feels stuck,
trapped indoors, starved for sun?must go out.
"
"my boss yelled, ""i've got a big beef:
your briefings are seldom ... well ... brief.
i want the essentials.
you give me tangentials.""
""so long,"" i replied, with relief.
"
"my husband, a techie, on call,
gets a four a.m. query?what gall!
the problem they had
could be solved by a lad
of eleven in no time at all.
"
"the holiday called halloween
has been hijacked by grownups. how mean!
in their masks, adults stroll,
looking scary or droll?
some in garb that would best suit a teen.
"
"as i traipse to the train in the rain,
i'm inclined to complain, but refrain;
for this storm stopped our bout
with a damaging drought,
so bitching for now's down the drain.
"
"please do not make me paint. have a heart!
i was awful at art from the start.
flunking fingerpaint's rare,
but i did it.  so there!
use a house-painting pro and be smart.
"
"maladjusted men sometimes say, ""doc,
chiropractic is naught but a crock.
your adjustments don't work,
you're a sick, spineless jerk,
and i'll sue till you're broke and in hock!""
"
"my writer's block finally passed.
now i'm full of ideas?what a blast!
all these spurts of creation
and wild inspiration
are wondrous.  i wish they would last.
"
"i'm feeling uptight, bottled up.
i'm so edgy, i'll have to skip sup.
i had a big fight
with my mother last night,
where all i could answer was ""yup.""
"
"checking in to the inn after eight,
i said, ""sure hope your checkout is late.""
but the clerk answered ""ten,""
and i blurted out, ""when?
that's scarcely enough time to mate.""
"
"this outage has led me to think
i've gone bonkers, berserk?need a shrink.
i keep checking the site.
it's still down?what a plight!
web withdrawal may drive me to drink.
"
"sometimes women give birth when they're old.
sixty-seven's the record, i'm told.
why they do it, i wonder.
'twould tear me asunder.
so childbearing seniors? not sold!
"
"""a charge account's wrong to its core,""
said the dad, who paid cash at each store.
then a flight was near barred
by the lack of a card,
until ""here,"" said his teen, ""i have four.""
"
"i hate to sound bitchy and catty,
but that fellow's annoyingly chatty.
so much trivial talk
makes me balk. i may walk
cause that motormouth's driving me batty.
"
"introducing your gal to your mom?
are you worried your intro will bomb?
well here's some advice
so the meeting goes nice:
first tell her your date's name is tom.
"
"i crammed for the test?studied madly.
but, alas, i'm afraid i did badly
'cause i choke under stress.
i go blank.  i'm a mess!
take a do-over test? yes, please. gladly!
"
"i love that the dems are diverse,
but diversity's sometimes a curse:
enough with the bick'ring
and quibbling and dick'ring?
unite, ere things get even worse.
"
"""how dare they (pelosi and reid)
make us work 5-day weeks,"" goes the screed
of the gop members,
forgetting november's
results favored change done with speed.
"
"this bistro is famous and fabled,
but our dining plans have to be tabled:
its food is divine,
and i don't mean to whine?
i just called and its phone is disabled.
"
"to compose a fine limerick's an art,
taking talent and skill and, yes, heart:
five short lines with good rhyme,
proper meter, sublime?
laced with puns, wit, and punch ... if you're smart.
"
"seems that throwing elections is fun
for ralph nader, who's threat'ning to run
once again in '08.
so i'm angry, irate?
that's how bush got his place in the sun.
"
"""do not argue with me,"" said the dad
to his son, who was making him mad.
""you are too disputatious.
your point is fallacious
and..."" ""huh?"" said the four-year-old lad.
"
"there are folks quite averse to my verse.
in their emails, perverse, how they curse!
but i never will fret
over hate mail i get:
this is freedom, for better or worse.
"
"i've a problem that strikes me as knotty;
my recall is frequently spotty.
so i tend to mis-greet
most of those whom i meet.
i've even called mark?my spouse!?""scotty"".
"
"it's presidents' day, but i'm glum,
'cause our president's worse than a bum.
dubya's done so much harm.
(do you still like his ""charm""?)
he is evil and not merely dumb.
"
"there are times a fine writer may break
basic rules, say for cleverness' sake.
but routinely ignoring
those rules ain't just boring?
it's foolish, a major mistake.
"
"it's snowing again in new yawk,
but i'll brush off my pique and won't squawk,
'cause the snow isn't deep,
so i'm able to sweep
off my  walk with my broom. please don't gawk.
"
"""hey, doc, have i got add?
my attention span's short as can be.""
""take this test, and we'll know
if you have it, although...""
""if i've what?"" ""add, sir.""  you see?
"
"kick the can down the road?that's the plan:
stick the war mess on some other man.
wreak much havoc abroad
and at home. oh my gawd!
then say, ""catch! fix iraq and iran.""
"
"they were poor, so they took in a boarder,
then learned that they couldn't afford her.
items vanished each day:
candles, food?even hay,
'cause their boarder, alas, was a hoarder.
"
"my husband is great?good as gold.
and there's no one more giving, all told.
he's benevolent, caring,
unselfish, and sharing.
don't believe me? he gave me this cold.
"
"i'm hooked on the show 24.
those ctu plots i adore.
and i'm counting on jack
to defuse each attack
and survive at least one season more.
"
"a cig-hating fellow from sweden
sued a gal cause she smoked during weedin'.
now smoking's been banned
on much of her land.
what's next? litigation o'er readin'?
"
"my cia contacts are strong.
have i worked for the feds?  sorry, wrong.
though i'm hungry for cash
and i've learned to cook hash,
in an arts school is where i belong.
"
"a generous lady named astor,
whose kindness will surely outlast her,
is mourned far and wide
since she recently died,
and nobody's ever outclassed her.
"
"the butt cam sure sounds rather crass,
but it gives you a view of your ass
while you're trying on jeans.
and you know what that means?
it should tell almost all: ""take a pass!""
"
"comic capo (i know her as fran)
lives her life by the motto: ""i can!""
she's a fast-talking head.
(so the guinness guys said.)
i'm a friend of hers?also a fan.
"
"judy carmichael's known for her stride.
she's a pianist of note far and wide?
a female fats waller.
you'll whoop and you'll holler
with joy at her musical ride.
"
"though chewing the fat can be fun,
it's a pastime i frequently shun:
chatting eats up your day
till you find there's no way
to finally get something done.
"
"my date dropped dessert on the dirt.
""please don't eat it,"" i managed to blurt,
as he started to chew
on his now blackened goo,
saying ""5-second rule?it won't hurt.""
"
"if there's one thing i cannot abide,
it is people who cannot decide
what to eat, where to go,
hot or cold, fast or slow.
do you think i should take it in stride?
"
"our encounter took place on a train?
a chance meeting, though far from mundane:
a lucky converging,
with love soon emerging?
once strangers, now wedded-bliss twain.
"
"she's acting quite chipper and cheery,
which is odd 'cause she's usually teary.
can't explain her good mood?
her ebullient new 'tude.
but i bet it won't last, so i'm leery.
"
"a dog trainer needed some cash,
so she dreamed up a plan?made a splash:
teaching dogs how to paint
abstract art.  great they ain't,
though their pictures make mine look like trash.
"
"a gal in new york was arrested
for strolling outdoors while bare-breasted.
but courts say, ""no fair!
you can not make gals wear
shirts and blouses, 'cause men go bare-chested.""
"
"""keep your chin up, and things will be fine.
just act brave. do not bitch, flinch, or whine.
you have the right stuff.
you just have to hang tough.""
does anyone fall for that line?
"
"from his state of the union address,
who would guess that our nation's a mess?
yet what leader would say:
""things are awful today,
and the fault lies with me, i confess.""
"
"i'm puzzled by chewable pills.
why masticate pills for your ills?
i swallow mine quick
as i can when i'm sick
and at chewables head for the hills.
"
"when a film's called a chick flick, it's meant
to appeal to most women.  how bent!
i'm a gal through and through,
but those flicks make me boo,
while my husband applauds. what a gent!
"
"""we're discussing our favorite dish,""
said the gal. ""please chime in if you wish.""
""you mean paris and trump
and that singer's big rump?""
""oh my no, sir. our topic is fish.""
"
"mosquitos are driving me mad.
seems a zillion are biting me?bad!
sprays and lotions  don't work;
they keep chomping and lurk,
while ignoring my husband?the cad!
"
"when i'm walking about all alone,
i must carry a small dictaphone;
though ideas come en masse
while i'm solo,  alas,
they soon flee?i'm forgetfulness-prone.
"
"we tend to be charmed and beguiled
by a talented prodigy child?
one who labors all day
with his gifts on display,
stifling youth, which is meant to be wild.
"
"bought two tix at one hundred a throw.
saw two headliners?quite a tableau.
but the visa bill read
two hundred a head:
double-billed for a double-bill show.
"
"sneaky feed-scraping sites are a blight:
they steal content at will, day and night.
we must battle and block 'em?
can't rest till we knock 'em
offline. come on bloggers, let's fight!
"
"a salty young gal is enraged
when she learns that her date is engaged,
so she curses the fellow?
spews hate with a bellow,
then shoots. guess her anger ain't staged.
"
"my hubby and i can agree
on most everything?""a"" straight through ""z"".
but as husband and wife,
we suffer much strife
over temp settings?heat and ac.
"
"is your schnauzer in love with your collie?
jolly england can help you, by golly:
canine weddings?dog marriage
i'd never disparage.
but prenups? now that would be folly.
"
"would you like your young daughter to shoot?
simply buy her a shotgun that's cute.
but be sure that it's pink.
it's so pretty, she'll think.
breeding killers?a stylish pursuit.
"
"ending prejudice?that's the group's aim.
""don't be bigots!"" its members exclaim.
what's the bias they face?
not their age, faith or race?
anti-mustache behavior's to blame.
"
"i must flee this buffet. please, let's go.
a mouse just ran by and ... oh no!
i spotted a roach
as it tried  to encroach
on my sole. what's that thing on your toe?
"
"""go away! you are being a pest!""
said the gal to her unwanted guest.
rather bugged, she yelled ""go!""
as she swatted just so,
sending betsy the bug to her rest.
"
"""let's watch buffy, a cool dvd.
it's a series we missed on tv,""
said my spouse, which dismayed me.
the title? it slayed me.
but the show's bloody great, i agree.
"
"five rugs for five bucks!  what a deal!
baghdad-shopping for graham's quite a steal.
now i'm sold on the war
'cause i know what it's for:
it's to carpet graham's home.  how surreal!
"
"my husband's a super-smart geek
who's on overnight call once a week.
and those questions they pose
after wrecking our doze
sound, to me, much like latin or greek.
"
"in winter, a job i'd not pick
is wielding an ice pick, when sick.
i abhor it when well,
and when ill, well, it's hell.
oh my heavens, the hail's coming quick!
"
"i once was attacked from behind
by a man with my ring on his mind.
and before i could moan,
he'd made off with my stone.
how i wish he'd been caught and confined.
"
"he's a chain smoker?three packs a day.
like a chimney he smokes, so they say.
he's addicted, that fellow,
with teeth splotchy yellow.
share an office with him? hell, no way!
"
"our mazda's a sweet little car,
but it's raining?we'd best not drive far,
'cause its  wipers just broke,
and it's really no joke:
i haven't a clue where we are.
"
"oh, where did spring go?  we'd have sworn
it was here, yes, just yesterday morn.
but the weather is dicey?
the rain's turning icy.
we're abandoned by spring and forlorn.
"
"i have e-wailed at males and at females
for failing to answer my emails.
now that hundreds a day
hit my box, i must say
that i too net such ""answer me"" plea-mails.
"
"george bush has at last found a tax
that he's fond of and backs to the max:
if your boss pays big bucks
for your health plan, the crux
of dub's scheme is your taxes will wax.
"
"""what's a coreid?"" (asked with a shrug.)
""heteropterous insect."" (so smug!)
he loves a big word,
but i think him absurd.
please ignore him?it's just a damn bug!
"
"the aardvark at night gallivants
across african plains and eats ants.
mother might be upset,
but he'd make a good pet,
if you ever get ants in your pants.
"
"if you have the disease chromidrosis,
it's quite simple to get diagnosis.
your sweat's a strange color;
your sex life gets duller
(for lovers, it sums up what gross is).
"
"ever since we put engines on carts,
we've had brake drums as requisite parts.
don't maintain them? all's lost,
and brake failure's the cost:
can't stop; you might crash; panic starts.
"
"the dems are now running the show.
if they prosper, we'll cheer, but we know
that there ain't that much diff,
and they'll probably whiff.
if they don't, then congrats i'll bestow.
"
"my opponent will often detort
my opinions. his method's the sort
where each thing that i say,
he'll distort to convey
a position i would not support.
"
"a diplomat thinks up a scheme
to maneuver a foreign regime.
a demarche this is called,
and sometimes it's stalled
(expectations are much too extreme).
"
"a demarche is a statement of views
to a public official, with cues
as to what is desired,
maybe what is required.
(it's hoped they're not asking for coups!)
"
"diaster: a stage in division,
when chromosomes split with precision,
then migrate to poles,
prepared for their roles
in biology's nuclear fission.
"
"a cruciferous plant seems a threat
to be served  in your family dinette.
but it's really benign?
a four-petal design
is the meaning?that's all, so don't fret.
"
"campaigns seem to lengthen each year;
when elections are held, how i fear
that the moment polls close
we'll be hit by new prose,
as fresh promos for hopefuls premiere.
"
"what you're claiming, quite simply, ain't true.
if you sue me, such action you'll rue.
i shall counterclaim back,
and my counterattack
will soon prove you're a crook through and through.
"
"she examined his face for some sign
of approval. his smile was benign.
but you can't tell a book
by its cover's nice look.
her request for a loan he'd decline.
"
"the congressional dems reached a deal.
no, it isn't ideal, yet i feel
it's all right?a first step.
stop this war? dems said, ""yep!""
as for reining in bush, they said, ""heel!""
"
"i just saw a play i abhorred
that reviewers quite simply adored.
'twas pretentious, third-rate,
but the dailies raved, ""great!""
could it be that they like being bored?
"
"those points that are meant to exclaim
often bug me. yes, bangs seem quite lame.
i abuse them, at times,
when excited by rhymes!!!!
but usage that's spare is my aim.
"
"the chamber group wasn't in sync.
its musicians seemed right on the brink
of falling apart,
and they played without heart.
but at least they looked pretty in pink.
"
"new york city is famed for its plays
and its art and cuisine.  they amaze
all the tourists, who find
nothing humdrum entwined
in its hubbub, and leave in a daze.
"
"you're cowards! you're traitors!  j'accuse!
you in congress, i'll surge if i choose.
what power you had,
you've abandoned.  how sad!
as always, i win and you lose.
"
"is our work trending too formulaic
and confined by conventions archaic?
while the old rules are great,
blind obeisance can grate,
turning poems into verses prosaic.
"
"global warming evaporates seas
at a faster rate. then, in a freeze,
increased moisture in air
means more snow everywhere,
as the climate change process decrees.
"
"ahmadinejad's building a nuke,
and the world gives its strongest rebuke.
yet mahmoud doesn't care:
""no, not me!"" he'll declare.
he's a liar, a fraud, and a kook.
"
"in congress, we see devolution:
a competence loss?diminution.
reps' skills should evolve,
but it seems they dissolve.
they're destroying a fine institution.
"
"a depletion allowance enables
true amortization, plus fables.
you divide what was sold
by a fib that you told
last year in your use of tax tables.
"
"can't seem to accomplish detrusion:
thrust out or thrust down.  a contusion
on a bone in my hip
means i can't move for zip.
my sex life has reached its conclusion.
"
"a line with a dimeter form
in a poem has two feet as the norm.
this line and the next
are examples.  perplexed?
if the line has two stresses, you're warm.
"
"i'm a decigramme and i express
a measure of mass, rather less
than a whole leg of lamb,
just a tenth of a gramme,
and my ""c"" is pronounced like an ""s"".
"
"global warming is only a cause.
climate change is what should give us pause:
both hotter and colder,
and storms greatly bolder,
if we don't start correcting our flaws.
"
"when the judge at my trial says ""commence,""
the attorney who runs my defense
doesn't care if i did it,
though laws might forbid it.
his help's surely worth the expense.
"
"if my body's a temple, as said,
then the cupola must be my head.
my mouth sings the psalter;
my heart is the altar
upon which my dreams will lie dead.
"
"i'm building a house on a lot,
but the funds for construction i've not.
it's a drawdown i need:
partial loan on my deed,
that i'll pay when my mortgage i've got.
"
"duende:  this trait gives you power,
if a lady you wish to deflower.
charisma and charm
her defense will disarm,
and you'll talk your way into her bower.
"
"you're a destroyer. while sailing the seas,
the sub you are tracking says, ""please,
no more depth charges. why?
we give up!""  but they lie.
drop that ashcan before the sub flees.
"
"don't tell me what 'we're' gonna do!
our relationship ain't run by you!
this here deal is a duarchy,
not just a you-archy.
equals!  decisions take two!
"
"would you please pass the dulse, mr. rice?
my roast beef, awfully bland, needs some spice.
this dried seaweed works great,
adding zest to my plate.
as a snack, it is also quite nice.
"
"this pond is dystrophic, i fear:
acid levels are high?that's severe.
brownish color, few fauna,
sick flora.  i wanna
sit sadly while shedding a tear.
"
"if you dunt me with blows that confound,
i will dunt very hard to the ground.
but i'll take the affront,
though my heart will fair dunt
with great anger and sadness unbound.
"
"the filming? according to plan.
the actors did well?to a man.
the director said, ""cut!
that's a wrap. we can shut
down the shoot. it's all done! in the can!""
"
"it's craftiness, crookedness, cheating,
deceit, double-dealing, maltreating.
it's dupery, son,
and to him, it's just fun?
not a man you would like to be meeting.
"
"jack daniel's?a sour mash whiskey?
could make me feel cheerful and frisky.
when i was a lad,
jack's the best friend i had.
now i'm old?drinking whiskey's too risky.
"
"if a life form acquires a new trait
by environment's impact, that's fate.
but the mod's not inheritable;
an ecad's a veritable
one-generational state.
"
"in wisconsin's a town named eau claire,
not far from st. paul. it was there
my first love i last met,
but my plans were upset,
and i lost her. i still feel despair.
"
"when an engine starts up on the rails,
its driver wheels spin, which entails
lots of friction.  they cause
some worn places ? slight flaws.
they're called burns and could cause rail travails.
"
"the hours just seem to elapse.
they've slipped by, and i can't fill the gaps.
time flies, so they say,
but i've lost half my day.
perhaps it's because of my naps?
"
"seems that anywhen's now or it's then.
it's the past or the future?how zen!
it's a time-travel term,
and if that makes you squirm,
it's just sci-fi?beyond mankind's ken.
"
"dysrhythmia:  let's take a chance
and define it with ""white men can't dance.""
our rhythm's a fright,
and our left foot's not right.
when we ""boogie,"" the girls look askance.
"
"at a baseball game, infields get rough,
making fielding of grounders real tough.
but a ground crew with drags
smooths the dirt (no more snags),
so the next ball the players won't muff.
"
"i write, then write more, then elide,
if the thought and phrase don't coincide,
removing each word
where the meaning is blurred,
'til my prose as from heaven doth glide.
"
"you're working a block of soft stone
to construct the high king a new throne.
so his bloomers won't snag,
you should use a steel drag,
so the surface you smoothly can hone.
"
"before windows, dos ran my pc.
a blank screen ? that was all there would be,
with one blinking cursor,
and what was much worser,
commands would be typed in by me!
"
"armadillo eggs?pard, you look pasty!
stuffed with cheese, bacon-wrapped?don't be hasty.
now keep your dang hose up,
and don't turn your nose up.
just stuffed jalape?os, real tasty.
"
"it's a cream-filled and choc'laty treat
much disfavored by many elite.
it's a ding dong, and viewed
as a nerd's favorite food.
(that just proves that you are what you eat!)
"
"she was working a crossword; asked, ""what
does capitulate mean? i forgot.""
i thought and i thought
but could come up with naught.
""i give up!"" ""that will fit. thanks a lot!""
"
"the marriage was based on agreement:
two folks said, ""forever?what we meant.""
now her lawyer says, ""oh
what you'll pay!""  now, i know
what that damn ""termination clause"" fee meant.
"
"""the blackened gulf shrimp is divine,""
said the waiter, ""and would you like wine?""
but i thought, ""are they broiled,
or black 'cause they're oiled
from the spill in the gulf?""  (i'll decline!)
"
"in texas, we love (!) bbq.
that's barbeque, boss, with a brew.
ribs all smothered in sauce
(don't ya faint now, ol' hoss!);
got no beef? armadillo will do.
"
"if something is crackly, it's brittle
or crisp, and when crushed just a bit'll
make sharp, snapping sounds;
many kids this astounds,
and they'll play with it more than a little.
"
"my girlfriend and i?coexistent:
alive at the same time, not distant.
that works out just great
when we go on a date,
'cause i'm sure i'm time-travel resistant.
"
"the red-footed booby's a bird,
with a name that sounds strange and absurd.
this guy that i know
whose social skills blow
is also a booby?a nerd.
"
"proper diallel mating dictates
that each female gets two or more mates.
then offspring are tested;
an answer requested:
which parent is transmitting traits?
"
"while commuting, my spirits will sag ?
the long drive-time to work is a drag.
by the end of the trip,
my poor brain's lost its grip,
concentration has started to flag.
"
"to give your next limerick a twist,
use an assonant rhyme, just like this:
""with some honey, my tummy
will feel warm and funny.""
the vowels rhyme?the rest?  not a bit!
"
"i have to admit i'm a man
who likes lasses who have a big can.
but before i engage,
i make sure they're of age.
(winding up in the can's not my plan.)
"
"as a fleeing fox runs, he leaves drag:
a scent that behind him will lag.
it's a trace hounds will trail
through forest and vale,
and the fox will wind up in a bag.
"
"if you're feeling all sickly and weak,
here's a simple, safe treatment technique
to get rid of your sloth:
sip a strong clear meat broth.
that's cullis, the cure that you seek.
"
"a badinkadink: small and cute booty.
and i don't mean to sound like i'm snooty,
but i often prefer
a badonkadonk, sir.
(it's a larger one.)  rooty-toot-tooty!
"
"if you desiccate something, i state
you dehydrate it.  please, don't debate.
see, they both mean the same:
from a substance reclaim
all the water (good way to lose weight).
"
"your clickprint identifies you
as you're surfing the web. seems it's true
that each person's unique ?
has their own mouse mystique ?
giving hackers a valuable clue.
"
"""do it asap!"" she said, her voice edged.
for a comeback, my brain i had dredged.
then suppressing my laughter:
""i'll do it soon after
september or august,"" i pledged.
"
"long strips of potato, deep-fried:
in the states, they're called french fries, but bide?
in great britain, they're chips,
which will cause angry yips
when a tourist and menu collide.
"
"why burn daylight, you lazy old bum?
you do nothing but sit, acting glum.
you're just wasting the day,
while i'm out making hay.
get to work or go live with your mum.
"
"for those nose clamps that calm a wild horse,
or some spectacles (english, of course),
or in torture, cruel tools,
or for close clingy fools,
the word barnacles i would endorse.
"
"so you want to augment total flux
in your pmt? that is the crux.
add a dynode or two;
current growth will ensue
and will increase the output of lux.
"
"if you deep link a page on this site,
from the home page you don't have to fight
through an indirect route.
and for those who might doubt,
go ahead and click here ? am i right?
"
"by the banks of a burn's good for wooing
that fair scottish lass you're pursuing.
(you must know, for your scheme,
that a burn's a small stream
and too shallow for any canoeing.)
"
"hanging down just in front of his ear
was an earlock he never would shear.
'twas a lock of his hair
that the ladies thought fair,
but the guys thought it girlish ? they'd jeer.
"
"if it's of or relating to soil,
it's edaphic, like where i now toil.
thought i'd rob a big bank,
but my getaway stank.
prison garden ? my new earthly coil.
"
"a dingo's a dog from down under
(that's australia, in case you might wonder).
you may think that they're cute,
but they eat crops and fruit
and are pests, 'cause they pillage and plunder.
"
"burn the midnight oil, stupid, it's due
in the morning.  so work the night through.
get some pizza and yoo-hoos;
no whining or boo-hoos.
need sleep?  well, your job's needed too!
"
"you've heard bluebird's a color? that's true!
it's described as a moderate hue.
i've learned copen is brighter,
and dresden is lighter,
but each is a fine shade of blue.
"
"i thought i'd be named devisee:
in the will, the estate left to me.
i would get all the goods
and the house in the woods.
my ex-wife, though, wound up with the key.
"
"diovular's def is a breeze:
""from two eggs."" see, we did that with ease.
fraternal twins will
meet that def?fill the bill,
or an omelet (with sausage and cheese).
"
"on myspace you rave and you rant
with a factual basis so scant
that the whole world can see
your preposterous spree.
be more cautious?take care with your cant.
"
"my md wants a craniograph
to take scans of my skull.  please don't laugh.
might be something is wrong;
'til results come along,
better work on my own epitaph.
"
"why co's labeled so (chemists do),
but not co2?  here's the clue
to this frustrating quiz:
any molecule is
diatomic if atom count's two.
"
"if you're training a newly bought hawk,
and you'd like to go out for a walk,
use a creance, my friend
(it's a leash); grab your end
and hang on, 'cause the hawk's sure to balk.
"
"neolithics who ceased to exist
were buried inside of a cist:
a pit lined with stone,
where the dead lay alone
(not a very nice place for a tryst).
"
"""my career is quite clear,"" said cherie.
""i'm a limerick writer.  that's me!
i send into your homes
these cute little poems
that will hopefully fill you with glee.""
"
"if you varnish on top of wet paint,
then the surface gets crackly and quaint:
it develops fine cracks;
a smooth finish it lacks.
some folks smile; some respond with complaint.
"
"observe the asparagus sheaf.
each stalk is a cladode.  in brief:
it's a vegetable gem
that looks like a stem,
but in function, it serves as a leaf.
"
"when he visits, my elfkin sure kittles
my fancy. but often he niddles
up onto my shelf
(he's a really small elf)
and belittles my poems while he whittles.
"
"a venture both risky and daring
with warning signs ringing and blaring,
this emprise might well fail ?
it's so dark in this vale.
is it truly a snipe i'll be snaring?
"
"the young sheep was not yet one year old
and was almost too cute to behold.
but this eanling tormented
his mom, who lamented,
""i love him and just cannot scold.""
"
"procedure division.  start-pay.
perform job until end-of-day.
job.  do lots-of-calls
until evening-falls.
if not-quota, go eoj.
"
"some animals walk on their toes,
like coyotes and lions and crows.
a toe-tappin' brigade;
they're called digitigrade.
ballerinas are not (just in shows).
"
"i just cannot believe i've been altered!
seems the doctor deceived me.  he paltered!
no more nuts in the bowl
since my manhood he stole.
and my plans for a dynasty?  haltered!
"
"here in texas, y'all think we talk weird.
well now, here's one y'all might not have heered.
it's dadgummit we say,
not g-d d- - - -t, no way,
'cause not cussin' is just how we're reared.
"
"since it's based on observable facts,
not conjecture, but actual acts,
my empirical stance
halts your theory's advance.
you're a dreamer ? so prone to attacks.
"
"about love, you know damn all, you fool.
you know nothing, but think you're so cool.
our love you extol,
but my bed's just your goal.
you're a dope ? just an ignorant mule!
"
"i'd love to fly off into space;
be the galaxy's starfighter ace.
but i'm earthbound ? can't leave;
to this dirtball i cleave.
(but my flight bag is packed, just in case.)
"
"burn the wind, boy! you're dead if you're late!
better hurry!  forgotten your date?!
move your butt, pdq!
this girl's just right for you,
so get going! you'd better not wait!
"
"a doctiloquent docent named jules
lectures everyone else?thinks them fools.
he delivers the facts,
but there's one fact he lacks:
it is wisdom, not knowledge, that rules.
"
"burn the candle at both ends, you say?
i'll be working all night and all day?
losing sleep is not fun,
but i'll get the job done.
i expect you will double my pay?
"
"got dysphonia?  that means your voice
is impaired, not a cause to rejoice.
defective phonation
means vocal flirtation
is doubtless a dubious choice.
"
"there are boxcars that sit in the yard,
and they need to be moved ? that's not hard.
let the switch engine deal
with that drag ? bet that he'll
place them properly, safe and unscarred.
"
"in sales, sometimes orders appear
when the cause of success is unclear.
they just ""fly"" o'er the transom,
and bring a king's ransom.
these ""bluebirds"" can make your career.
"
"the drag: a device on your reel,
slows the spool so the line feed's ideal.
if you use it just right,
you will land every bite,
and the fish will fly into your creel.
"
"as it flies high above the terrain,
a retarding force acts on a plane.
it's called drag, and constrains
all velocity gains.
think ""a headwind"" ? arrival time's bane.
"
"with those thick, thorny bushes set close,
that ol' brier patch sure was dumose.
but 'twas bre'r rabbit's home
where he'd ramble and roam,
callin' out to bre'r fox, ""adios!""
"
"enslaved by an insect!  who knew
that dulosis means that.  well, it's true.
nasty ants kidnap young
from some species far-flung
(not from humans?at least hitherto).
"
"i saw it! big al shot the bitch!
i'm an eyewitness (also a snitch).
they'll call me to trial,
but that's not for a while.
before then, i'll be dead in a ditch.
"
"when your cargo is ready to ship,
on per-pound cost you'll want a good grip.
here's a hint you should heed:
a full carlot you'll need.
fill the freight car and charges will dip.
"
"an elevator?  no, that's not it.
an aileron?  nope, but don't quit.
it's an elevon, hon,
both functions in one
deft control surface ? flying wing's kit.
"
"an itinerant judge held an eyre:
a wandering law court affair.
rode from shire to shire,
as needs might require,
so justice was done here and there.
"
"if a lovely young lass you'd entice,
please allow me to offer advice.
if cost is no factor,
to lure her, attract her,
a villa in spain might suffice.
"
"forced from home 'cause i took a tough stand,
i'm an emigre in a new land.
our protests all failed,
and the bad guys prevailed.
now details of a coup must be planned.
"
"my dementedness passes all bounds,
with confusion so deep it astounds.
my bells don't quite chime;
i'm deranged. i can't rhyme.
confinement? that's probably next.
"
"that young lady is certainly eyesome.
every time that i see her, i sigh some.
luscious body, great hair,
and those legs up to there.
if she's selling, i'd sure like to buy some.
"
"i've two freshwater turtles at home.
in my pool they are welcome to roam.
i have learned that their genus
(from latin) is emys
by reading a scholarly tome.
"
"all matter and energy trend
toward total disorder and wend
to inert uniformity
of the cosmos' enormity,
that's max entropy, folks, and the end.
"
"there are folks who succumb to a weakness
for races like belmont and preakness.
but there's only one horse
race i'll bet on?the course
to the white house?a sign of my geekness?
"
"""it's so cute!"" said the child, with delight.
""you can't have it,"" said mom. ""puppies bite.
it's adorable, true,
but dogs nip, bark, and chew,
and your daddy will cower in fright.""
"
"""let's begin at the top of the page,""
said the coach to the gals on the stage.
""you're supposed to be teens.
you should know what that means.
so i'm begging you?please?act your age.""
"
"""your cd collection's a joke,
and classical sucks,"" yelled the bloke.
my discs couldn't handle
this rampaging vandal:
now all of my bach sets are broke.
"
"the teacher called out from his car:
""ma'am, your daughter's a driver's ed star.
her steering's quite deft,
she knows right turns from left,
and, with practice, she's bound to go far.""
"
"where's the medical aid for our troops?
when they're injured, they're treated like dupes.
those who've lost arm or leg
need our help, yet must beg
us for care, forced to hurtle through hoops.
"
"the play was quite talky and lacked
something crucial.  it had but one act.
what was missing, you say?
not one break in that play!
while they blathered, my bladder was racked.
"
"he's a cheapskate so stingy with cash
that he threw an embarrassing bash:
when his daughter was wed
he paid eight bucks a head,
so no band, booze, or blooms ? only hash.
"
"i stare at the shelves in confusion,
wond'ring why there is such a profusion
of sizes and styles.
choices litter the aisles.
is the simple life just an illusion?
"
"""i play second chair symphony flute,""
said the flautist. (""my wife plays the lute."")
""how i wish i had clout.
then i'd fire the lout
who plays first chair. he's here 'cause he's cute.""
"
"in the will, you got money.  don't knock it.
in the bank you should certainly sock it.
but you can't ? you must spend!
all restraint you upend,
'cause it's burning a hole in your pocket.
"
"most congressmen just aren't good savers;
to bills, they add earmarks: plain favors
that have nothing to do
with the laws they're tied to.
they're just pork (of political flavors).
"
"i was walking a fault zone one day.
saw some broken, crushed ore and said, ""hey!
this might well contain gold.""
""it's just drag,"" i was told,
""but we could take some in to assay.""
"
"it's a coach that is drawn by four horses;
good for city or countryside courses.
it's a drag ? seats on top;
often owned by a fop
who is one of the city's main forces.
"
"t' elide means i'm droppin' some vowels
or consonants ? prob'ly cause scowls
from my ol' english teacher.
if this lim'rick should reach 'er,
my work, she'd proclaim, language fouls.
"
"some say congress is barnacled: marred
by old customs they ought to discard ?
such as time-honored traits
on which progress yet waits.
but old habits are ones that die hard.
"
"a duopoly:  when there are two
large suppliers of some product who
truly dominate sales,
and this practice curtails
competition?leaves markets askew.
"
"at the top of an underground tomb
in old egypt, a passage would loom.
a dromos, it's called;
on the walls might be scrawled
ancient curses that often spelled doom.
"
"many gaelic poems often are split
into duans: smaller sections that fit
all together to mold
a long tale to be told,
the better its sense to transmit.
"
"are labor pains giving her blues?
an ecbolic's a drug she might choose.
it will certainly sooth 'er;
delivery's smoother.
(maybe something that fedex could use?)
"
"with nothing much more than stern looks,
dirty harry could bogart the crooks.
this strong-arm inspector
would bully and hector?
intimidate criminal schnooks.
"
"a cat with a mat came to visit.
it sat on the mat, said ""why is it
that, though i'm a cat,
 no one really cares that
i eat catfish? but thanks, it's exquisite.""
"
"you think you're so hip, cool and mod,
but everyone else thinks you're fade:
insipid and trite,
homo sapiens lite.
you are commonplace, not even odd.
"
"xiphactinus (just call him fred)
had big teeth, but please don't be misled.
if you're out for a swim,
don't you worry 'bout him.
his kind are extinct: they're all dead.
"
"for all types of good food i've a taste.
all kinds of cuisines i've embraced.
can't stop stuffing my face.
i won't slow down this pace.
glad expansile applies to my waist.
"
"an ephemeris? simply a list ?
it's a time and location assist.
and without such a table,
i wouldn't be able
to fly to my sweet martian tryst.
"
"when his time came to leave, mrs. spore
her dear son she'd advise and implore:
""outside it's not mild.
put your exine on, child,
before you set foot out that door.""
"
"on twitter, he'd woo and he'd ply 'er
with promises ? things he would buy 'er.
but now that they've met,
she's beset with regret.
he's a fabulist: big fat old liar!
"
"the word fable? a statement fictitious,
maybe made for a purpose suspicious,
like when guys choose to lie,
hoping romance is nigh,
and say, ""sweetheart, this meatloaf's delicious!""
"
"if you're playing with audio toys,
and loud volume's destroying your poise,
a fader, i've found,
will turn down the sound
(or the opposite: ""bring in 'da noise? "").
"
"the wee maid had aroused the laird's favor,
giving rise to a great clishmaclaver:
the servants all chattered;
they gossiped and nattered.
but himself had his way ? none could save 'er.
"
"a collop's a small piece of meat,
or a rasher of bacon to eat,
or it's fat on my belly
(i watch too much telly),
or an irish land measure that's neat!
"
"an ecu's a coin from old france
worth three livres (for those in finance).
at first it was gold,
and then silver. just sold
my whole stash ? had to fix up my manse.
"
"a dol is a measure of pain.
level 1? hardly cause to complain.
2, 3, 4? they're a snore.
but a 10? that's much more:
fiery needles shoved deep in your brain.
"
"i am entitative. yes, i exist.
my reality can't be dismissed.
i'm an actual bloke,
not just mirrors and smoke.
you don't think so?  well, here ? that's my fist.
"
"now that i'm old (past maturity),
my entitlement's clear ? it's a surety.
every month i get cash
from the government's stash.
thank heaven for social security.
"
"an ecanda's an african plant,
and i'm sorry if i disenchant,
but the ""fruit"" of this vine
is rubber, not wine,
and not something you'd often decant.
"
"you're ecaudate. the word makes you quail?
that just means you're without any tail.
though in your case i'd guess,
since you lack all finesse,
it just might mean with women you fail.
"
"his young heartbeat just couldn't be traced:
""code blue! get the crash cart! posthaste!""
they grabbed paddles and drugs,
then gave up with sad shrugs,
""he's gone. that's too bad. what a waste.""
"
"measure straight from the tip of one ear
'cross the head to the other.  that clear?
it's called earage, and when
it's too short, doubtless then
at the dog show, the judges will jeer.
"
"the embezzler stole money each day
from his workplace  ? a boost to his pay.
but he bought a ferrari
and went on safari.
the dummy! in prison he'll stay.
"
"the forecast said rain pouring down;
there'd be flooding all over the town.
to embank our whole yard,
we worked very hard
piling dirt, so our home wouldn't drown.
"
"the eclat of this limerick is clear;
its brilliance should make my career.
rhyme is dazzling ? has dash.
and the meter? panache!
it might even make lim of the year!
"
"you'll see elephants flap whopping ears,
while they wiggle wee tails on their rears.
on their fronts ? a big hunk
of a thing called a trunk.
their two ends should be switched, it appears.
"
"on this body, i'll do an ablution;
make an eluate: liquid solution.
then i'll test it to see
what that powder might be,
which should help when we start prosecution.
"
"my pet emyd is slow and ungainly.
he's a fresh-water tortoise, and mainly
he sits on a rock;
if he moves, it's a shock.
chase a stick? he refuses profanely.
"
"in the bible, it seems there are nine
angel levels, though all are divine.
in experts' opinions,
the fourth's named dominions.
 (for my angel, that would be fine.)
"
"his opponent he wanted to bludgeon,
but instead, he stalked off in high dudgeon.
he was angered, aggrieved,
upset and plain peeved,
just because he'd been called a curmudgeon.
"
"down below in a tropical sea,
building reefs in a slow-motion spree,
there are acropores working ?
no surcease or shirking.
these corals do this for no fee.
"
"to disjoin is to separate ? part,
like removing a horse from its cart,
or my mouth from my brain
after drinking champagne,
though to me, all i say is so smart!
"
"danielle bradbery: fair southern belle
and a musical mademoiselle.
a pint-sized performer ?
on stage she's a stormer.
my ipod's new playlist? danielle!
"
"extra charges?  the airlines just ain't
doing business with any restraint.
but your anger constrain;
don't protest all your pain.
($50 to file a complaint.)
"
"f: the fourth note on the scale.
fa: how that note you might hail.
fad: passing fancy.
fade: seeing's chancy.
fader: loud volume curtail.
"
"when a pirate's packed up all his plunder,
and he wants to sail off, he will wonder
what's the depth of the water.
best remember this, rotter,
that a fathom is six feet down under.
"
"euroclydon: cold, biting wind
'round the mediterranean dinned.
it was sharp; it was strong.
i stayed out overlong.
my poor face felt as if it were skinned.
"
"damn! i've forgotten my topic!
was i writing about endoscopic?
my memory's so lame,
i don't know my own name.
i would bet that my brain's gone entropic.
"
"""and i looked, and behold a pale horse,""
and hell followed his ominous course.
and the rider was death
who, with every foul breath,
spewed his chaos ? our fate to enforce.
"
"will you fare with me into the glen?
will you go with me, darling? and then,
though i'm known as a knave,
i'll attempt to behave,
but i do have a terrible yen.
"
"in the glen, they decided to dine.
the fare plain: simply bread, cheese and wine.
and the young knave behaved,
for a wedding he craved.
to his darling he pled, ""please be mine?""
"
"if my vow of abstention you'll heed,
then i'm sure you'll fare well: you'll succeed.
for that plays a fair part
in winning my heart,
and perhaps to the altar 'twill lead.
"
"there's no need now to dither or diddle.
no opinions that sit in the middle.
fancy shoes on your feet?
it's a violin. sweet!
but with cowboy boots? shoot! it's a fiddle.
"
"as into the battle they barreled,
the pirates were wildly appareled:
dressed with sashes and feathers,
wild headgear and leathers.
(style rated as ""gauche"" by the herald.)
"
"in the senate, one party must muster
sixty votes to avoid this bill buster:
lots of meaningless talking
and tedious squawking,
a fountain of babble and bluster.
"
"hid beside those troops standing inspection,
our gunners escape their detection.
we'll chew them to bits
with an enfilade: blitz
them with fire in a lengthwise direction.
"
"one more saturday night at the hop,
we kept truckin' to u.s. blues bop.
though the grateful dead's gone,
casey jones still lives on,
and for deadheads, the music won't stop.
"
"who travels through space and through time
with panache and a swagger sublime?
it's the doctor, whose poise?
oi! wait, what's that noise?
here they come! better run! it's the slime!
"
"c'mon girl! let's cut to the chase!
don't dally ? we'll drive to my place.
we could have a quick go.
is it yes? is it no?
now decide?what the hell! is that mace?
"
"an exaltation of larks in the skies:
singing glorious songs, the flock flies.
soaring high, they embark
in a beautiful arc.
they're a joy to our ears and our eyes.
"
"i'm a vital young man in my prime:
a creature of form so sublime.
yet i've always feared death,
who will force my last breath,
and it's said he could come anyti
"
"before entering, best be aware
there's a big ol' fandango in there.
tomfoolery reigns
as sobriety wanes.
it's plain goofy ? a giddy affair.
"
"i walk into my bank and i fawn:
i grovel, i beg, pride is gone;
pass out compliments sweet;
kiss the manager's feet;
all because my account's overdrawn.
"
"a long-ago coin called a farthing
could be used to buy beer in a bar thing.
one-fourth of a penny ?
there used to be many.
today it would be a bizarre thing.
"
"secure viands or yield to starvation.
in each creature lurk seeds of mutation.
joy devolves to divorce.
every race runs its course.
eval statements: all speak of duration.
"
"not your grandmother's overweight mild cat,
an eyra's a reddish-hued wildcat.
sort of weaselly ? long,
with short legs, very strong.
local prey call it ""stinkin' reviled cat.""
"
"it certainly isn't fallacious
to suggest that it's most efficacious
(that is, when assessed,
the result will be best)
if you always are frank and veracious.
"
"the portents are many ? a load full.
in fact, there's a whole damn commode full.
there's calamity coming;
the fear is benumbing.
indications are dark: they're all bodeful.
"
"a chapman stick's like a guitar
with no soundbox ? looks somewhat bizarre.
just tap on the frets
to play two-hand duets.
with practice you'll be a stick star!
"
"if your nose sits there square on your face,
it's entopic: it's right in its place.
if it's found on your knee,
it's ectopic. you'll see
that for breathing, short shorts would make space.
"
"while he toils at the dull, bureaucratic,
he wishes for life more chromatic.
but his past so pathetic
seen in visions eidetic,
intense and exact, leaves him static.
"
"acetogenic bacteria rock!
they're a breaking-down-co2 flock.
they perform anaerobically
(oxygen-phobically),
creating an acetate stock.
"
"""there's none who knows better than me
just how humble and meek i can be.
i'm more modest than most,""
the bold cretin did boast ?
his assertiveness, nth in degree.
"
"astrometric computing will double
if nasa can just fix the hubble.
but congress won't fund her,
and this makes you wonder
if star cataloguing's in trouble.
"
"with two chin straps that make it attachable,
i'm announcing a product unmatchable:
a nylon toupee
that won't shrink, fade, or fray,
and with sideburns completely detachable.
"
"the assailable ship had been trapped.
with torpedoes and shells it got zapped.
she's not sailable, mate.
this unlucky old crate
is still salable only if scrapped.
"
"in the house where the tenant had roomed
is the arsenate he had consumed.
since the tenant had reasoned
his food had been seasoned
with salt, now the tenant is doomed.
"
"her mentor assented and sent her.
she went to where sent by her mentor.
the question is: did she
become the assentee,
and did he become the assentor?
"
"with the phrase a cappella, we know
that the vocal parts onward will go,
but the organ and flute
will be totally mute,
'cause the voices are solely on show.
"
"antiphonal musical folk
found out in the time pre-baroque
two alternate choirs
of singers and lyres
can please any stereo bloke.
"
"the apple of my eye is sweet!
she's special and pretty and neat.
opinions may differ;
but, see? if you sniff her,
she smells more like roses than feet.
"
"at an orchestra concert, the first
thing you hear (in a musical burst)
is the tuning note a
(which the oboe will play)
to which everyone tunes, best to worst.
"
"andante is walking-pace speed
in music. i hope you will heed
this tempo intention.
i guess i should mention
it's from the italian. agreed?
"
"an apophysis is a projection
or expansion (that's my recollection),
like the jutting design
of the cones of a pine.
(not a sixth-grader's math class erection!)
"
"at first, i just sound out a tweet.
but suddenly, after the beat,
i drop to another,
less strong than the other.
appoggiatura, how neat!
"
"the fossils of tubulidentata
are found in cretaceous substrata.
the aardvark, resplendent
sole living descendant,
provides us with much-needed data.
"
"abradants wear down (or erode)
great canyons where rivers have flowed,
but that takes forever.
a woman's more clever:
one look and my wife has me snowed.
"
"an aphorist's just the right man
if a ten-second soundbite's your plan.
but if you would muster
a long filibuster,
then find someone else if you can.
"
"a medium known as miss clare
disliked getting up from her chair.
""why should i run races
to faraway places
when, astrally speaking, i'm there?""
"
"if flexing your joints makes you faint,
and you want to unbend them but cain't;
if your children all sniff,
""oh, you're just an old stiff!""
ankylosis might be your complaint.
"
"i find it a curious fact
that the gall'ries of congress are packed.
	like a hit broadway show,
	they are all sro,
though the senate can't sing and won't act.
"
"""flow gently, sweet afton,"" burns wrote,
a nice quiet place for a float.
but then the next phrase
says something of ""braes,""
which sounds like an ass or a goat.
"
"a lover of things archesporial
was searching through fungi arboreal,
for these grandmother cells
create spore organelles,
and have done so since time immemorial.
"
"to view pictures by means of a lens,
without skewing proportions, my friends,
it's easy to choose?
an alethoscope use,
and your images won't get the bends.
"
"adam named all the things he could see.
""there's an apple, a snake, and a tree.""
though the lord made him split,
still he had to admit
adam did well appellatively.
"
"a bursa's a fluid-filled bubble
that helps a joint move without trouble.
there are four near each knee,
which is why you are free
to bend or extend at the double.
"
"a doctor, quite flushed with elation,
said, ""i'm giving a clear demonstration.
the cause of my hue
isn't drink, drugs or flu.
no, it's active vasodilation.""
"
"while we jabbered, my class heard ""ahem!""
then the teacher would firmly condemn:
""you're annoying me so.
out the door's where you'll go!""
(it was not that her throat had some phlegm.)
"
"when i ordered my tenth pint of beer,
my new girlfriend could not help but fleer:
with contempt and disdain,
she complained, ""you're insane!
you're a drunk and we're done! is that clear?""
"
"if in calculus class you'd survive,
your intellect surely must thrive.
but alcohol messes
with brains ? causes stresses,
so please never drink and derive.
"
"she said, ""yes!"" so they married and then
for a fishing boat he had a yen.
his catch (called the fare)
fed them well ? lots to spare.
they lived happily there in the glen.
"
"an entity may be abstract,
transcendental, ideal ? and that's fact.
it's a concept subsistent,
although not existent,
for only in thought does it act ?
"
"catastrophe, chaos, calamity
will result from this loss of all amity.
they've abandoned goodwill;
now our congress spouts swill.
upside of their heads, i'd go wham-ity.
"
"that's tommyrot, twaddle ? you're drunk,
spouting balderdash, blarney and bunk.
it's hogwash and hooey.
your logic is screwy.
it's flapdoodle: nonsense. it's junk.
"
"he's a fopdoodle. hate to be cruel,
but he's simply a second-rate fool.
insignificant twit,
even he would admit
that his genes don't belong in the pool.
"
"i've a flagon i can't do without.
it holds wine, but i'm such a drunk lout
that my wife locked the lid,
plugged the spout in a bid
to ""cure"" me. ye gods! it's a drought!
"
"ye had best haud your wheesht, ye auld sot,
'cause yer bum's oot the windae a jot.
dinnae clype 'boot my kilt
or me ""thing"" (that's well built!)
or ye ken i'll tie yours in a knot.
"
"if in logic you wish to refute
an argument mired in dispute,
just prove the conclusion
is naught but illusion.
elenctic ? this method's astute.
"
"in the desert, an afternoon tea
is served poshly by camels at three.
there the bactrian crew
offers, ""one hump or two?
would you care for some french patisserie?""
"
"a minuscule larva, it seems,
has truly gargantuan dreams:
""i'll be he-moth someday
and take she-moth away;
we'll raise multiple mothlings in teams!""
"
"the christmas fern used to be seen
in victorian homes. ever green,
these yule fronds looked festive
arranged 'midst the rest of
the holiday flora, i'd ween.
"
"aunt brunhilde approached: ""guten morgen.
i have brought you a lovely chord organ.
you must play it!"" snapped she.
""for each chord, press a key.
i will teach you myself!"" roared the gorgon.
"
"in maternity wards women died
because doctors infrequently tried
to keep everything clean;
thus infections were seen.
childbed fever was spread far and wide.
"
"absentee rates are bound to be high
now that chickenpox season is nigh.
if you catch it, don't roam;
keep your spotted face home,
and the itching will cease by and by.
"
"i'm amazed at his boundless capacity
for truth-stretching! downright mendacity!
his facts' elasticity
and inauthenticity
give reason to doubt his veracity.
"
"the hero (byronic)'s no prude. he
is outcast and shuns social duty.
he ignores all propriety,
and courts notoriety.
he's arrogant,  sensitive,  moody.
"
"the herald announced every guest
and ushered them in with the rest:
acclaimed literati,
bejewelled glitterati,
and moguls, exquisitely dressed.
"
"she's the fiercest chop-logic i know.
if an argument's brewing, she'll go
far out of her way
to have something to say,
this dauntless, contrarian foe.
"
"it's a family you won't want next door:
alligatoridae ? monsters of lore.
mister 'gator, ms. caiman
might ruin your day, man,
by turning your pets into gore.
"
"my limericks i write with elan,
using vigor and spirit to spawn
the first lines of my art;
i'm enthused at the start,
though i flag as the night fades to dawn.
"
"i'll elucidate: clearly explain,
while my wrath i attempt to contain.
when i said ""ugly witch,""
i should have said ""bitch.""
you are actually cute ? but a pain.
"
"every morning i'm thrilled and delighted
by the gifts that my hens overnighted.
fried in ones, twos, or threes
with some sausage and cheese
in an omelet? i get so egg-cited!
"
"a crick's a small jack used for lifting
or to pressure a beam to halt shifting.
it's screw-operated;
not heavily weighted.
a great tool (i want one) for gifting.
"
"with this lady i felt a connection.
a soft, spicy tide of affection
enveloped my heart,
but my world fell apart
when advances were met with rejection.
"
"distant hills are enveloped in haze
caused by smoke rising up from a blaze.
visibility's down
all over the town,
and the view won't be normal for days.
"
"the silk sheathed her form like a shroud;
so enveloped, she stood tall and proud.
her charms thus were hidden,
but hope came unbidden:
would exposing those charms be allowed?
"
"we attacked both the enemy's flanks,
while storming his front with our tanks.
we enveloped his force,
leaving no other course
but surrender. a win for us yanks.
"
"mother nature a rock will demolish,
though the fragments she won't quite abolish.
heat and cold, winds and rains,
break it up ? the remains?
called eluvium: pieces quite smallish.
"
"the stocks and supplies remain high.
there's a plentiful, copious supply?
an abundance, in fact,
and nothing is lacked,
and the well simply never runs dry.
"
"i say ""black"" and you always say ""white.""
i say ""day"" and your answer is ""night.""
why do you have to be
antithetic to me?
well i guess this is love, am i right?
"
"there are sparks when i take off my sweater,
touch a door knob or open a letter.
i'd be happy if i
weren't a highly charged guy?
i just know antistatic is better.
"
"you can't have an acellular prison!
such a thing would be met with derision.
i'm just punning in fact,
for the cells that are lacked
are the kind found where life has arisen.
"
"while an amateur's new to his game,
he's imagining fortune and fame.
in his golf or his tennis
he plays  with such menace,
but he'll never succeed ? what a shame!
"
"you abseiled off a roof for a charity
and enjoyed a pure moment of clarity
'cause you made a mistake
and the rope chanced to break
and body and pavement reached parity.
"
"i once knew a talented fella
who sang by himself a cappella.
without breaking sweat
he'd perform a duet ?
how he did it is too rude to tell-a.
"
"""there's no god!"" is the atheist stance.
into heaven he'll never advance.
an agnostic says ""let's
go on hedging our bets:
at least that way we'll still have a chance.""
"
"the troubles of life seem designed
to weigh down on your soul and to grind
the things that relax ya.
you must seek ataraxia,
a tranquil and calm state of mind.
"
"an actor too tall to play frodo
found his career to be dead as a dodo,
but he twisted his spine
in an acinaciform line
and auditioned to be quasimodo.
"
"agapanthus, the african lily,
has blue or white flowers that look frilly.
it means ""flower of love"".
well, heavens above,
what's wrong with a rose or a gilly?
"
"when the author's wrapped up the whole plot,
and the book's done down to the last dot,
there's the afterword still
as a place he can fill
with the little things that he forgot.
"
"it's not altered, amended, exchanged;
it's not modified or rearranged.
you add an addendum.
(if you've got 'em, append 'em.)
it doesn't mean something's been changed.
"
"if it were a sin i'd have hid it,
but the scriptures i've read don't forbid it.
i'm adiaphoristic ?
my view's fatalistic ?
it doesn't matter at all that i did it.
"
"from the moment this scheme came to mind,
this word's by the whole thing defined.
it's strangely compelling
(might yet be best-selling);
it's theatre of the most absurd kind.
"
"abstemious abstention? that's good!
drunk debauchery? bad for the blood!
so the moral brigade
will lead their crusade,
choosing life by the drip not the flood.
"
"the carob's an evergreen tree.
all the arborists know it can be
algarroba instead.
though it's called saint john's bread,
it tastes more like soy chocolate to me.
"
"there are some who say if you're not for it
and you don't raise the flag and adore it,
you're against and oppose it,
for everyone knows it's
not possible just to ignore it.
"
" aqua vitae i always keep handy.
it's simply an old name for brandy,
whereas  aqua fortis 
will cause rigor mortis ?
nitric acid just isn't as dandy.
"
"though the records are dusty and dry
they are catalogued neatly, but why?
well the archivist's art
plays the principal part.
""don't disturb them!"" is his battle cry.
"
"informed that the lust on her face
was not apropos for a race,
catherine sneered, ""don't be cocky!
i don't want the jockey.
his steed has more bearing and grace!""
"
"let us brachiate, sirs, if you please;
that is, swing by our arms through the trees.
if cheetah could do it
there can't be much to it?
a cakewalk for most chimpanzees.
"
"a lucky young woman named blanche
was soon rescued, while clutching a branch.
she had just gone to ski,
when the snow was set free,
and came down in a small avalanche!
"
"""in the desert the aridness dries
out the skin and all else,"" she decries.
""there's no water out here,
bring me lotions, my dear,
and some onions for wetting my eyes.""
"
"love's great passion doth ardently burn
in the heart, not the brain, do we learn.
love's great fervor in youth
tricketh mind, twisteth truth,
'til we learn to discern what we yearn.
"
"though condemned to support the whole earth
upon shoulders of heavenly worth,
atlas bore the world's weight?
gave his name through his fate?
to books mapping the planet's great girth.
"
"when a corpse must be studied for clues,
to the press the demise could be news.
but the coroner quotes
from his autopsy notes,
""no foul play."" (and no story?'twas booze!)
"
"if there's one thing a knight wants to be,
it's well armored, not armorless, oui?
with no garb known as mail
to protect parts so frail,
no amour in the night will he see!
"
"the deft gymnast arcuately bent
her spine backward as far as it went.
she resembled a bow
'til her head touched her toe
and her coach yelled, ""that's more than i meant!""
"
"when reviewed as so artlessly crude
and devoid of all skill, it seemed rude
that the critic would say
the best part of the play
was the part he, thank god, had eschewed.
"
"artificial ? not natural or real,
like a flower that's made out of steel.
or terylene slacks,
or fruit made from wax,
or some restaurant chain's hamburger meal.
"
"an ambry's a cupboard or store
in a church where you'd often put your
religious regalia
and paraphernalia
so it doesn't just lie on the floor.
"
"the condition that's known as amnesia
is a kind of a brain anaesthesia,
so when you reminisce
about tunis, you'd miss
it's the capital town of tunisia.
"
"a person considered abderian
can be judged by this simple criterion:
his laughter is foolish
at things (even ghoulish)
or serious essays shakespearean.
"
"abear means to bear or behave,
to put up with, endure, and be brave.
those things you can't change
you must surely arrange
to dismiss with a nonchalant wave.
"
"in bars kept deliberately dim
you might find your glass not abrim.
the barman takes pleasure
in giving short measure
since the money he steals goes to him.
"
"chronologically i tried to sort
all the ladies i ever did court.
looking back, it appears
that in so many years
i still managed to keep the list short.
"
"if a number of points (call it v)
lie as k points per block and you see
any t points now meet
in a ?-blocks suite:
there'll be r blocks per point ? q.e.d.
"
"invited to dinner, i sat
with the cr?me de la cr?me of the vat-
ican who, as one man,
wiped their mouths on a fan
that resembled a cardinal's hat.
"
"as a waiter i wait, serve, and stand,
jump at ev'ry guest's smallest demand.
like my colleagues i think
i'm the weakest mere link
in an infinite chain of command.
"
"in france i once met monsieur jean.
(he turns apples to brandy in caen.)
after downing a quart
of his produce, i thought
life in france can be tr?s amusant.
"
"he needs both hands to count up to seven.
and i wish him to hell, not to heaven.
he's called bruce, he wears ugg,
he's a lout, he's a thug,
and his surname must surely be bevan.
"
"if you worry and never feel calm
'cause your offspring might well come to harm,
you could stay day and night
by his side or you might
want to purchase a baby alarm.
"
"the name altenburg, so i am told,
in german means ""castle of old"".
though small as a town,
it has gained much renown
for the game there invented and sold.
"
"if your hip doesn't work as expected,
you can have a replacement connected.
the glue must be bio-
compatible. why? oh,
to make sure the thing's not rejected.
"
"i've a lisp and i find ceaselessness is
not one of my greatest successes.
i make such a mess
of the sibilant s?
'coth i'm endlethly thtrething the etheth.
"
"at the centre for quiet meditation,
i'm awash in serene contemplation.
i've centred my soul
in the kosmos. my goal:
transcendent self-actualisation.
"
"the aroma your body's releasing
is offensive, and worse, it's increasing!
if you don't take a shower
within the next hour,
your jaunt in my bed will be ceasing!
"
"caloricity's why, i'm surmising,
i'm flushed and my temperature's rising.
it's the opposite sex
that provokes these effects.
we're animals ? what's so surprising?
"
"when it's cold and you're shivering a lot,
i can warm you with what's in my pot.
it's calorifacient,
my chili. be patient.
it'll soon have you sweaty and hot.
"
"i'm skimming the waves in the bay,
with the wind in my hair and salt spray.
there's an easterly gale,
but homeward i sail,
with the centerboard holding the way.
"
"when my grandmother died in the night,
her body was whisked out of sight.
""she has been called away,""
was all grandpa would say
(like our stocks when the money was tight).
"
"at the centre for singles, the trap,
i spied a hot, hunky, young chap.
i pushed off pat norwood
(that bitch is so forward!)
and centred myself in his lap.
"
"when you file a paternity suit,
it's the birth father who's in dispute.
a dna test
puts the matter to rest
(and fidelity issues, to boot).
"
"to find that your house is awash is
a problem of splashes and sploshes.
the floor's under water.
i think that you oughta
get going and find your galoshes.
"
"you never should sneak up behind
such a man. it would be too unkind
to yell in his ear,
""you have nothing to fear ?
from acousticophobia, mind!""
"
"the advantages can't be ignored,
to agree and to be in accord.
so much better than strife,
doubly so with the wife ?
a much quieter life your reward.
"
"my sex life is hardly exotic?
it borders, in fact, on robotic?
but it doesn't seem fair
that there's no-one else there;
the process is autoerotic.
"
"it's not used when the morning is dawning,
nor at dusk when the people start yawning,
but the heat of the day
can be kept right away
from the front of your store with an awning.
"
"in acid you'll see it turn red.
in a base you will find that instead
it changes to blue.
that's what litmus will do?
it's a fine amphichroic, i said.
"
"she said ""dust!"" but she didn't just mean
that she wanted no dirt to be seen.
she meant scrub, scrape, and shine,
disinfect it with pine?
it must be antiseptically clean.
"
"the banana republic dictator
wore more ribbons and braid than a waiter,
with gold epaulets
and ornate aiguilettes
and some medals to make him feel greater.
"
"my boss was offensive and rude.
when he sacked me his language was crude.
i was mildly astonished
to be thus admonished,
just for going to work in the nude.
"
"when you're cycling along but you feel
that the motion is hardly ideal,
that your bike is as wonky
as a three-legged donkey,
it might be you've an acentric wheel.
"
"we'd be squashed like sardines in a tin,
in the car, and then fights would begin.
so dad quizzed us on countin',
and sang ""round the mountain""?
at ""ai, yippee, ai"" we'd chime in.
"
"note the first signs of syphilis pending?
hard ulcers, not sore but unmending.
these chancres, unbidden,
are spirochete-ridden;
to doctors your way should be wending.
"
"when the weather gets wetter this week,
i would use my umbrellar antique,
but my new one works better,
and gets me less wetter:
my bumbershoot's springing a leak.
"
"though you do have a spine and you're smarter
than the plankton-gourmand tunicata,
the truth (this may hurt)
is that you and the squirt
both belong to the phylum chordata.
"
"mr wolfie was hungry, not happy;
to the piggy, he said, ""hey there, chappie!
you're a chubby wee chap.
come and sit in my lap.""
then, chomping his chaps, ""make it snappy!""
"
"in lands where the chicle trees grew,
sticky gum could be tapped, aztecs knew.
though still sweet and elastic,
our chewing gum's plastic?
ponder that, the next gumstick you chew.
"
"a chameleon tree frog could pose
upside down, if it hung from its toes,
and for camouflage screen
it could turn grey or green,
or some shade in between, if it chose.
"
"the pertinent characteristic
of a person we call chrematistic
is a passion for money?
like bees are with honey,
but the pot's more materialistic.
"
"there's a cantaloupe named for athena,
a goddess of grecian demeanour.
golden flesh to the skin,
juice that drips off your chin:
it's a queen in the melon arena.
"
"a condition not trivial or trite is
inflammation?we call it an -itis.
a feeling that matches
raw sandpaper scratches
deep down in your throat is chorditis.
"
"i chose celibacy for salvation;
forsook sex for a holy elation.
a born-again virgin,
my sins i am purgin'?
i'm forgettin' about procreation.
"
"cerumen's a gunky ear wax ?
my ex's both have it in stacks.
when they lie in the sun
then the heat makes it run
in slimy snail tracks down their backs.
"
"i've gone celibate, given up men.
though i've tried this again and again,
this time i've had nix
since the start of '06,
and i've really not missed it since then.
"
"let's go celibate, dear. don't protest!
i've got something to get off my chest.
the sex that we've had
wasn't really that bad.
it's just that i feel like a rest.
"
"his ear wax was thick and voluminous.
it glowed in the dark! it was luminous!
to see him at night
was a marvelous sight,
with his lobes glowing bright and ceruminous.
"
"i've got coins in my pockets, so jingly,
and i love them in bunches and singly.
i like to canoodle
big bundles of boodle,
and credit cards make me go tingly.
"
"at the clinic, diseases (venereal),
i am told my infection's bacterial.
""it's a chancroid,"" they say.
that rat hank's gonna pay!
rodent bait will go great in his cereal!
"
"there's a cinerary urn that contains
all my grandmother's earthly remains.
it's a roman pastiche
on the lawn, in a niche,
but we bring her inside when it rains.
"
"a silicate, chamosite's found
in layers in iron-rich ground.
with a crystalline lustre,
each silicon cluster
to al or mg is bound.
"
"though partial to bird, mouse and rat,
the civet's more mongoose than cat.
near its butt there's a gland
you can scrape out by hand
to get musk, if you're looking for that.
"
"isn't chrematophobia funny?
you might wish this complaint on your honey,
and rejoice if your dearest
recoiled from the merest
suggestion of spending your money.
"
"it dries on the beach, soft and smelly,
but boils up to an odourless jelly.
seaweed seems an ironic
aphrodisiac tonic,
sold flaccid, in tins at the deli.
"
"my neuroses are varied and deep
and include chirophobia; keep
at a distance because
the mere thought of your paws
makes me stressed and unable to sleep.
"
"with romantic intent i advance
on sweet bessie and ask her to dance,
but she flees from the room
fraught with visions of doom?
chorophobic, she can't take the chance.
"
"snapweed thrives on wet streambanks and creeks,
in the dampness that bitter cress seeks.
aphids relish these weeds,
which propel wingless seeds
from dehiscent, dry seedpods (siliques).
"
"cresses flourish on lowlands and plains,
and in snow atop steep mountain chains.
the chamois cress flowers
in chill alpine showers;
more temperate climes it disdains.
"
"sharp and sour when it's plucked from the tree,
the chaenomeles fruit's not for me.
but mature, there's allure
in its jam and liqueur,
and it's loaded with vitamin c.
"
"i am plummeting headlong, not charily,
down a slope i'd avoid ordinarily.
so why don't i care?
there's a slavering bear
just an inch from my backside, primarily.
"
"miss felicity phyllida phelps
loves to yodel high up in the alps;
on tyrolean peaks
she warbles and shrieks.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps).
"
"the compulsion to eat laundry starch
has caused me to dry up and parch.
this amylophagia,
i hear doctors wager,
will have me all bunged up by march.
"
"golden flutes on the green chalice vine
bloom fragrant and fair by design.
beware nectar that drips
from their sweet honeyed lips?
for this chalice bears poison, not wine.
"
"the cinereous vulture will soar
on great wings that can span a barn door.
it is carrion-fed,
with a featherless head
so it doesn't get splattered in gore.
"
"on her coffin, so tiny, we strew
woodland flowers of violet and blue.
under wild cineraria
gently we'll bury her;
ashen-hued leaves will grieve too.
"
"for the boldest effect i can muster,
i'm planting these shrubs in a cluster.
calliandras i may
place just here, to display
their long stamens arrayed like a duster.
"
"""can i wear these tight pants? is it safe?""
said a raffish young fellow named ralph.
""does it look a bit smutty
to walk with a strut?"" he
enquired. ""i'm afraid they may chafe.""
"
"he went down on one knee to propose,
his ardor and love to expose;
but then doubt overcame him ?
can anyone blame him? ?
the smell from her feet hit his nose.
"
"have a care for what's happened to claire?
newly pregnant, she's chewing her hair,
craving chalk, clay and plaster?
digestive disaster!
thank heavens cittosis is rare.
"
"thank the cingulum there in your brain
for your memories of joy and of pain.
it connects your emotions
with physical notions,
entwining them as in a chain.
"
"through cilician gates from plains lowlier,
over mountains to high anatolia,
passed zealous crusaders
and warring invaders?
and paul on a mission much holier.
"
"here's a question that should be addressed?
where should ashes be laid to their rest?
to display on a shelf,
what remains of yourself,
a small cinerarium's best.
"
"you look ashen, my dear! why distressed?
you're afraid that an urn's too compressed?
if you'd rather a casket,
then, dearest, just ask it?
i'll get you a spacious pine chest.
"
"chaetodontidae: what a long word
to describe a wee fish! how absurd!
sparkling colours and rings
speak of butterflies' wings,
yet its name from its teeth is inferred.
"
"in cimmerian caves, rivers flow
where the dimmest of lights never glow.
fearful creatures may lurk
in the darkening murk.
dare i go there? emphatically no!
"
"from soft, grey-white cimolite clay
they made pipes in the ""indian"" way.
they would fill them with baccy,
then ? this may seem tacky ?
they'd smoke them and toss them away.
"
"a cingulum's singular word'll
describe a centurion's girdle;
with his sword and his dagger,
it helps him to swagger,
but makes it more tricky to hurdle.
"
"a fondness for cloudberry tarts
has sweetened camille's vocal parts.
full of sugar and quark,
she can sing like a lark ?
now she's topping the calorie charts!
"
"the word cobblers is one you can use
for the people repairing your shoes,
flat-out nonsense, or that fish
the aussies call catfish,
or crust-covered meat and fruit stews.
"
"in ancient greece, men had long sought a
new measure for time using water.
with a clepsydra they
counted hours in the day,
adjusting for months that were shorter.
"
"the cobby cats' legs are quite squat;
like the slim siamese they are not.
but they're held in repute
and their faces are cute
with the broad snubby noses they've got.
"
"on my colour wheel, hues are displayed,
both in shade and in sequence arrayed;
yellows blend into red,
then to blue i am led
in a circular rainbow parade.
"
"though it's trivial, it's mildly ironic
that quinine is by nature cinchonic.
i could ponder that link,
but i'm sinking this drink ?
which i think is a pink gin and tonic.
"
"when you're growing together apace
with a common objective in place,
and advance side by side,
you're coadunate, tied ?
like the lobes of a leaf at its base.
"
"though desserts may have doubled her size
and may hasten sweet cherry's demise,
she declares, ""clafoutis
are a health food for me!""
but her thighs can't disguise that she lies.
"
"gentle clemency, mildest of weather;
softest breeze, lightest brush of a feather;
wispy clouds crossing high
in a luminous sky ?
at our ease, you and i walk together.
"
"though i live in a hovel that's slummy,
i always have chow in my tummy,
'cause i love to eat rat
that's been deep-fried in fat ?
when you scrape off the fur, it's more scrummy.
"
"though theseus will die if he strays
in the labyrinth's tortuous ways,
still a thread guides him through
on the path that is true,
for the clew is the clue to the maze.
"
"our history of strife's nothing new,
and this bad blood's a problem, it's true.
my mother and brother
detest one another,
while both of them loathe uncle lou.
"
"alliances wont to pursue
male opponents to claim and subdue
all their females and scions
are groups of young lions ?
coalitions the bravest eschew.
"
"two parties, with mutual permission,
may merge for a strengthened position.
if what they're about
is improving their clout,
coalitions can further ambition.
"
"in a bar up in north coahuila,
i got wasted on rum and tequila;
drowned my grief and dismay
'cause my girl ran away ?
hitched a ride on a big eighteen wheeler.
"
"in the southern sun, cotton is crowned
with white cotton bolls, fluffy and round.
but its roots lie in soil
that remembers the toil
of the shackled and beaten and bound.
"
"a proctology student called marge
liked to practice colonic lavage.
she would wash out your gut
from caecum to butt,
with massage for a small extra charge.
"
"cotton fibre's been used now for years
to make ginghams and denims and sheers,
swabs and bandages, oil,
and (though you recoil)
little buds to dig wax from your ears.
"
"mighty kauri that stood long before
human feet ever stepped on this shore
watched the moa pass by,
saw the huia die
and great eagles that once used to soar.
"
"for this painting, my palette is blue ?
cobalt sky; cobalt hills frame the view;
cobalt waves on the lake ?
but the rowboat i'll make
a bright orange, its opposite hue.
"
"the monk in contemplative prayer
fought his demons of doubt and despair,
and in wordless communion
sought mystical union
and faith in a peace he could share.
"
"please chop me some wood, if you would.
the cordage? two cords of it should
last me right up to summer,
though hauling's a bummer?
my wheelbarrow's not very good.
"
"i was dazed by the crays laid on trays
all arrayed in a strange, grainy glaze,
like a cornflower-blue
coloured cornflour goo,
newly made from a strain of blue maize.
"
"he swaggers, the brash cockalorum,
a braggart bereft of decorum.
though in size he's not much,
his opinion is such
that alone he's enough for a quorum.
"
"while a courtier, favoured at court,
was enlightened and wise and was thought
to be cultured, aesthetic,
refined and poetic,
the whims of a king he'd not thwart.
"
"i will cobble a cobbler from scraps
you can gobble in bowls off your laps.
to this crusty meat dish
i'll add veg if you wish.
if you're good, there'll be seconds ? perhaps.
"
"buddhist monks have been brutally slain,
terror rules, civil protest is vain.
long detained and mistreated,
suu kyi, undefeated,
brings hope amidst myanmar's pain.
"
"in the tranquil old courtyard we meet
and we shut out the clamouring street;
leave the noise and the din,
to find peace there, within
the four walls of our sheltered retreat.
"
"a tarantula's what you might choose
for your pets of unusual hues.
though it frightens and bites,
still this spider excites ?
it's the brightest of bright cobalt blues.
"
"complementary colours are those
that at first may appear to oppose;
though when mixed they're subdued,
juxtaposed, they're imbued
with a brightness that shimmers and glows.
"
"a beauty queen sobbed with hysteria,
""my lips look like calceolaria!""
she'd applied venom nightly,
to make them more sightly?
now she pouts like a trout, only scarier.
"
"ella boxes cigars in cedrela
(it's mistaken for cedar, i tell her).
though she thinks they look sweet
tucked up snugly and neat,
does she smoke them? yuk, no! they repel her!
"
"lanc?me's face mask of clay's amylaceous:
as a mud pack it's quite efficacious.
though you'll look like a fright
caked up, pasty and white,
you'll pale more at the price. it's hellacious!
"
"little babe, whom i fed at my breast
and so easily soothed when distressed,
you've grown headstrong and wild,
a tantrum-wracked child
who puts all of my skills to the test.
"
"ceremoniously, sir john goes to bed,
with a drum roll and flags overhead,
fires a 10-gun salute,
blows his trumpet?toot, toot!
or his wife plays his bugle instead.
"
"my interest was piqued when i read,
cephalometry measures the head
of those who are livin'.
i hope i'm forgiven
for wond'ring who measures the dead.
"
"a scatty young schoolgirl called patty,
with a knack for cheap chit-chat, was chatty.
she gossiped and chattered
'bout nothing that mattered;
she'd yap at ya till ya went batty.
"
"in our church there are candles and flowers;
the holiest pray there for hours.
""stop war and disease,
and famine, and please,
grant our ball team miraculous powers!""
"
"the hands of the potter reveal
hidden shapes in the clay on the wheel.
ceramics are fired
in a kiln, but inspired
is the potter who's fired by zeal.
"
"a charming young lady from guam,
on a tiger, tried chancing her arm.
she was sweet and disarming,
and found it alarming
that the tiger's disarming lacked charm.
"
"her staphylococcal infection
progressed in a fatal direction,
when blood clotting thickly
made dot oh-so-sickly:
the coagulase bug/clot connection.
"
"conciliable means that you're not
gonna fight for the very last jot.
it means you're a happy,
amenable chappie,
accepting the lot that you've got.
"
"coagulable liquids will thicken,
like gravy congealing on chicken,
or milk when it's smelly
and curdles, or jelly,
or blood on a scab you've been pickin'.
"
"what can be said that's consoling
when pain is an ocean wave rolling
and grief is the shore?
what can soothe a heart sore
with a sorrow beyond its controlling?
"
"contumacity won't be abided;
any kid who defies will be chided.
listen up, my young lad,
being headstrong is bad ?
so obey your old dad just like i did.
"
"if your corn crops are stricken with blight,
and your horses fall lame in the night,
and there's truth in your claim
that there's magic to blame,
conjuration just might put things right.
"
"i've a hunch that this trout isn't cooked ?
this twenty-pound beauty you hooked;
though the fire's dying out,
it's still jumping about,
and it spat at me last time i looked.
"
"contumaciously raising a fist
against caesar would render him pissed.
in bloodthirsty brawls
he walloped the gauls,
chopping 6000 hands at the wrist.
"
"chartreuse is the hue of liqueur,
hyssop-flavoured for herbal allure.
it's both yellow and green,
made by monks rarely seen.
do they tipple? we cannot be sure.
"
"the chatroom's a place some folks greet
other folks they don't see on the street.
they connect by computer;
if i was astuter,
i'd link when those other folks meet.
"
"acts of clemency grant a reprieve;
they're a pardon the guilty receive.
you may be on death row
with just minutes to go ?
then they say 'you're set free!' and you leave.
"
"the wonder of earth never fails
to amaze and delight with details,
such as circulus rings ?
those exquisite wee things
that concentrically date fishes' scales.
"
"acid grinding's an in-line skate slide.
it's a scrapingly raw, grating glide.
aggressive,  extreme,
where the thrill is the dream,
it's a stunt that's a young skater's pride.
"
"a strange desert flower blooms at night,
a beguilingly fragrant, rare sight.
what a midsummer dream
must the cereus seem.
what a seriously short-lived delight!
"
"as he dozes, the past in his head,
evening falls and the fire glows red.
then he wakes with a start
and an ache in his heart
and bestirs himself off to his bed.
"
"fallen snow lay in drifts on the lea
and it shrouded each wintering tree.
so the land was be-stilled ?
till the quiet was filled
with the song of a lark, trilling free.
"
"this organic nitrogenous base
combines eight carbon atoms in place
within cinnoline's rings
to which hydrogen clings,
with two ns in the leftover space.
"
"citrophilous mealybug males
live a life rather scant of details;
but no female objects
that they merely want sex
and then die ? for the species prevails.
"
"as i queued up for food in the chow line,
i was bumped by a big, busty fraulein.
i was tempted to hit her,
but merely said ""bitte!""
and focused my gaze on her brow line.
"
"all good fairytales end with a moral.
here be one: a wise prince shall not quarrel
with a princess whose feet
be not fragrant and sweet,
lest she say his bouquet be not floral.
"
"""i've a nest in a tree. what a sight!
oh, the worms i can see from this height!
need a dad for your chicks?
let's make love in the sticks!
i'm the blackbird that sings day and night.""
"
"the web is so big i surmise
that ""the net of a million lies""
has a number too small
to do justice to all
the deceit ? is a googol the size?
"
"i'm a decigramme and i express
a measure of mass, rather less
than a whole leg of lamb,
just a tenth of a gramme,
and my ""c"" is pronounced like an ""s"".
"
"the pathologist sighed, and he cried,
""seven suicide cases i've spied!""
then he said, with some mirth,
""they're not long for this earth
with cyanogen chloride inside!""
"
"bollocks is slang for the testicles.
(as a curse word it's one of the besticles.)
no ifs and no buts,
it is the mutt's nuts ?
an expletive that beats all the resticles!
"
"early sunlight came filtering through
giant kauri whose canopy grew
over ferns in the shade,
on whose curled fronds was laid
a fine coverlid, droplets of dew.
"
"mineralogists might have rapport
with raw chalybite crystals (iron ore).
ferrous carbonate drilling
to them could be thrilling;
for everyone else it's a bore.
"
"as temporal synchronizations
are crucial for smooth operations,
a circadian clock
in your body keeps stock
of earth's daily and nightly rotations.
"
"in agglomerative waste conglobation,
a process of scrap transformation,
old plastic and tyres
fuse in resin-fed fires
to form products for heat insulation.
"
"lilies lining our wild, woodland walks
spread their leaves on the path where it forks;
little berries of blue
shine like beads in the dew,
nodding shyly on tenuous stalks.
"
"we're conserving this fruit for a reason;
it's expensive and scarce out of season.
and the conserve we brew
is a sweet, fruity stew
with a flavour that's tangy and pleasin'.
"
"we conjugate verbs as we render
their tenses and number and gender.
we're conjugate too,
as we promise (i do)
to be faithful and loving and tender.
"
"red coralline algae, slow-growing,
calcareous, frond-like, bestowing
the surf-pounded reef
with calcitic relief,
the erosion of coastal land slowing.
"
"my language is florid, not terse,
as to longish words i'm not averse
(barring cogitabundity ?
coz in a fun ditty
thinking too much is a curse).
"
"i'm conserving my energy, son.
i've got plans. don't assume that i've none.
i'm no lazy-ass slouch,
lying here on this couch ?
i'm just storing up strength for a run.
"
"the ceramist has potted all day,
with love, making art out of clay.
each mug, plate and bowl
holds a piece of her soul,
and her heart's in each piece on display.
"
"""since i married young wanda,"" said reece,
""i have not had a moment of peace,
'cos she talks night and day.
when will i get my say?
and will wanda's,"" he asked, ""never cease?""
"
"if you're quizzed on the celiac trunk
in a test, then you're possibly sunk.
it's an artery seen
near the liver and spleen.
say 'a celery tree' and you'll flunk.
"
"what a pity that dee loved to feast
on those pork steaks with rind thickly greased,
and sweet biscuits deep-fried
with hot grits on the side,
'cos she popped. then she stopped. then dee ceased.
"
"if your neckline is plunging and low,
you may find, when you're out, you're on show.
there are men who may perve at yer
centre of curvature?
there where the curves touch and go.
"
"see those pots with a lopsided list
that the ceramist potted while pissed?
he glugged whisky slugs
from his mugs and his jugs!
now the pottering pisspot's dismissed.
"
"when i come for a cervical smear
i take the same tack every year.
with my legs open wide,
i go all glassy-eyed,
and simply pretend i'm not here.
"
"marylee was a girl who got tight
with a concreter down at the site.
when she fell in the mixer,
he said ""i can fix her!""
and cemented his love through the night.
"
"the thought of impending sensations
gives all of us girls palpitations.
we shut tight our eyes
as we open our thighs
for our cervical examinations.
"
"i think you'd be hard-pressed to budge
ceremonial garb from a judge.
he's really quite big
on his gown and his wig.
their removal he'd likely begrudge.
"
"may your christmas be filled with delight;
may your tinsel be sparkly and bright;
may your crackers go pop!
may you eat till you drop;
and may you and your in-laws not fight.
"
"coagulation's a complex cascade
of reactions by factors that aid
in occluding a cut
and then sealing it shut,
so that running repairs can be made.
"
"for her favour the powerful vied,
but she turned to the poorest, who cried
to the saint of calcutta,
as there in the gutter,
abandoned and outcast, they died.
"
"if your surgical wounds bleed and nag you later,
so that doctors transfuse you and bag you later,
then your surgeon, it's clear,
has neglected to sear
all your cuts with his needle coagulator.
"
"coagulants work as they oughta,
binding solids afloat in the water.
with a treatment or two,
you'll be drinking anew
what you flushed down the loo (that is ? sorta).
"
"by cordage you've misunderstood!
when i ordered a cord i meant wood;
not ropes, lines or tack
but a firewood stack.
four by four feet by eight would be good.
"
"i'm recording the wood that maude's stored,
which according to claude is a cord.
i'm unsure, but i guess
that the cordage is less ?
claude's ignored the boards bored rats have gnawed.
"
"an egg white will change when you fry it.
take note of the process whereby it
transforms in the heat
to a state you can eat;
coagulation at work on the quiet.
"
"a contemplative mood's where i find
clearer insight and true peace of mind,
and in silent reflection
and calm introspection,
direction to which i've been blind.
"
"it's not praise when you're called contumacious,
nor a hint that you're gentle and gracious.
it means you're a cow,
you stubborn old sow,
pig-headed, perverse and pugnacious.
"
"don slaps anna. ""slag!"" (o, boy! damn odd.)
eyes up sharon. (don, bonked, is a sod.)
""oho! ho-do's aside!
knob-nod norah's  pus-eyed!""
don ? mad yobo? gals (anna's pals) nod.
"
"i think that i've blown it with jake
coz he knows that my loving's been fake.
he was there in the place,
there was joy on my face,
then i cried out, ""oh, jack!"" by mistake.
"
"in the fathomless deep, there's no day
in the gloom where colossal squid prey.
yet they'll spot you with ease
in those inky, black seas,
for they've eyes big as beach balls, they say.
"
"at the touch of his hand, her skin burns.
when so coolly he leaves her, she yearns.
desire and despair ?
warring passions laid bare,
as she loves him and hates him by turns.
"
"""you've been playing around for a laugh,
blithely dumping old lovers like chaff.
i've had all i can take,
and i'm leaving,"" said jake,
""you're just way too unfaithful by half!""
"
"i had a wee doggie called maggie; 'er
coat was quite rugged and shaggy; 'er
body was fat.
she could run on the flat,
but not upon anything craggier.
"
"i know i'm the cause of our fights ?
all that drinking and staying out nights.
i don't cook, the place stinks ?
it's no wonder jake thinks
he deserves a bit better, by rights.
"
"in his will, grandpa plans to anoint
both my sister and me?to appoint
us as equal coheiresses,
paired millionairesses,
sharing a fortune that's joint.
"
"though chondromatous tumours may scare,
they're benign, so you needn't despair
or bemoan that they've grown
in your bone, 'cause it's known
that a death from chondromas is rare.
"
"lance assumed they were meeting by chance
at the dance where she glanced up askance.
on the contrary, joyce
acted offhand by choice,
having planned it all way in advance.
"
"coagulopathy (problems with clotting)
causes bleeding ? a lot, not just spotting.
haemophiliacs rue it,
and snake bites can do it
(the morgue then is where you'll be slotting).
"
"do indians feel at a loss
when using the measure called coss ?
the unit of length
with the drawback (not strength)
that it varies? they don't give a toss.
"
"on a console i set my tv
in a place where it's easy to see,
to watch black-and-white thrillers
with serial killers
and dames trying vainly to flee.
"
"compurgators once cleared your name
if accusers laid charges of blame;
amongst friends you would delve,
in the hope you'd find twelve
who could vouch for the truth of your claim.
"
"little songbirds, aloft and arboreal,
enthralling since time immemorial,
as you sing without care,
do the songless despair
to be silent, unheard, clamatorial?
"
"a console can house all the switches
connecting the thingummy, which is
controlling the flights
of rockets, or lights
so that movies can run without glitches.
"
"my car isn't nippy or neat.
it's got holes in the vinyl bench seat,
and no console to stash
all my stuff, so the trash
ends up rolling around at my feet.
"
"3 a.m., you're so tired you could weep,
but you're wired; there's no point counting sheep.
then the rain starts to drum
with a rhythmical thrum
and you're consopite ? lulled off to sleep.
"
"commentitious: an obsolete word
and one i, for one, haven't heard.
for the lingually leaning,
though, here is its meaning ?
fictitious, unreal and absurd.
"
"circularly soaring around,
a hawk eyes its prey on the ground;
but the grey hare is bounding
with timid heart pounding
through tussock till cover is found.
"
"he scorned me and drove me to drnk.
i was stricken with grief, on the brnk
of a fathomless well,
and heard, as it fell,
the sound of his ring. it went chnk.
"
"at hungary's heart, east and west
of the danube, lie buda and pest,
below forest-lined bends
where the river bed wends
and where wild magyar tribes came to rest.
"
"on meandering paths you and i'll
be content as we wander a while ?
idle hours passing by,
trailing clouds drifting high,
and the long summer's day we'll beguile.
"
"a visiting choir in gibraltar
sang brahms' sacred psalms at the altar.
when the tenor said that
the soprano was flat,
she assaulted the prat with her psalter.
"
"i dared a pole-vaulter from malta
to vault o'er the rock of gibraltar.
attempting to clear it,
he cried out, ""i fear it
will not have a pleasant result... aaaaaaaaaaaa!!""
"
"fair consuela, from south venezuela,
knew a sailor who loved to regale 'er
with sea-farin' tales
about shipwrecks and whales.
(she was deaf, so he used a loud-hailer.)
"
"when adine, riding bareback in adelaide,
to buffer the bumps to her bladder, laid
a bag on the horse,
it was pointless of course,
so they said, ""don't be mad. use a saddle, ade.""
"
"are rhinos who cry labelled crinose?
or is crinose, like my nose, a dry nose?
any pro, i suppose,
might propose that he knows
it's what grows on the noses of rhinos.
"
"some guys have luxuriant crines
that they spike in audacious designs;
like pompadoured poodles
they pamper their noodles
and polish their hair till it shines.
"
"cyclooxygenase enzyme action
drives joints to the point of distraction.
non-steroidal relief
can induce further grief
by provoking a gastric reaction.
"
"by by all means, i mean: ""that's a yes!
it's a certainty, no need to guess.""
by by no means, conversely,
i mean, somewhat tersely:
""no way! not at all!"" ? nothing less.
"
"you triumph or win by a mile
when you finish on top of the pile;
in whatever the contest
or battle or conquest,
you trump all your rivals with style.
"
"though i'm ordered to slaughter the boar,
i'm by no means equipped for the chore.
still, by force or by guile
or by any means, i'll
have this porker in quarters by four.
"
"majority groups don't dictate
in a consociational state.
instead, it's minorities,
setting priorities,
reaching accord by debate.
"
"to speak by design is to say
what it is that you say in a way
that your words are aligned
with a purpose in mind ?
an intent that you mean to convey.
"
"a win is a win, i suppose,
though it's close if you win by a nose ?
that's when you or the horse,
at the end of the course,
cross the line just ahead of your foes.
"
"as cambodia seeks to transcend
its tumultuous past and contend
with its strong asian neighbours,
to add to its labours,
corruption and graft have no end.
"
"amputees, bodies broken and maimed,
missing limbs hidden landmines have claimed?
blame the warmongers' game
for the crippled and lame,
and the dead yet unnumbered, unnamed.
"
"i'm enthralling them all with my homilies
on the subject of genus chaenomeles.
strangely called flowering quince,
it is not ? odder since
flowering quinces evinces anomalies.
"
"he's gambling! i'm filled with alarm
when i see that he's chancing his arm.
he's doubled the pot,
betting all that he's got?
which is me and the kids and the farm!
"
"in coastland, in sage scrub, you find
the calabazilla entwined.
though it's called stinking gourd,
it's the leaf that's abhorred.
the gourd doesn't smell?it's maligned.
"
"he's a chiseler, a swindler, a cad;
too late i found out he was bad.
i misread his kisses,
thought i'd be his mrs?
now he's missing with all that i had.
"
"aluminosis is bad ? tell you why:
when aluminum particles fly,
and scar up your lungs
with fibrotic-cell bungs,
you can't breathe, so you don't. then you die.
"
"there's no-one big bertha can't beat
when she gears up to chow down and eat.
her gluttonous eyes
open way past the size
of her stomach, stuffed full and replete.
"
"that chimer's pathetic and sad.
with nothing at all new to add,
he had to butt in,
so he went and cut in
and said the same thing i just had.
"
"our baritone chorister, simon,
can botch any song with his timin'.
ignoring our curses,
he butchers the verses,
and bungles the rhythm and rhymin'.
"
"in a frenzy of childish regression,
full-on in our flour-bombing session,
we look amyloidal?
i'm certain that freud'll
blame some kind of sexual repression.
"
"the chow is a dog that is bred
for its thick, woolly coat, often red.
fewer praises are sung
of its strange blue-black tongue,
and the masses of hair it'll shed.
"
"in cholula de rivadavia
there's a treasure the people hold dear:
a temple begun
under aztecan sun?
it's a monument quite without peer.
"
"if i purchase a thing i've admired,
handing over more cash than required,
the excess is my change,
which i take?or arrange
to have credit instead, if desired.
"
"i'm sorry to break it to lionel ?
we're finished, and this time it's final.
my love's on the wane
for that leonine mane,
and those big hairy paws, they're so... crinal.
"
"sarah minney took hold of the psalter
and bopped the recalcitrant walter.
he'd balked at ""i do"",
so she left him to stew,
without ceremony, there at the altar.
"
"why do curves in a hummingbird's snout
fit the arc of a blossom's sweet spout?
is it proof of creation
or coadaptation
the hummingbird's humming about?
"
"on my gran's brand new laptop toshiba
i loaded the music of biber:
""these trumpet sonatas
should do you for starters.""
cried grandma, ""ah, biber! arriba!""
"
"their marriage was riven by strife,
but he'll claim, at the end of her life,
legitimate curtesy ?
reason for murder, see? ?
part of the wealth of his wife.
"
"it's the stubbornest mare that i've met
and as set in its ways as they get,
but it's slick with a trick
called the hind-legged kick
and i'll get a curvet from it yet.
"
"a curtal friar, hooded and frocked,
is in shock that his frock's to be docked,
and the flock that is his is
attacking with scissors
his smock, 'cos no docked ones are stocked.
"
"a nail through the tail (an impalement)
spelt the sudden and sorry curtailment
of an uncharted trail
for a stout-hearted snail,
and, moreover, the end of the snail meant.
"
"curtail may refer to a slur
when the tail you curtail's on a cur,
'cos you were, by concurring
to spurn it, inferring
the cur's not a cur you prefer.
"
"the critique of my novel was curt,
no platitudes cushioned the hurt.
the critic, laconic,
had written: ""moronic.
like argon, the plot is inert.""
"
"in glycogen storage disease
you don't synthesize sugars with ease;
for some the condition
improves with nutrition,
but others get worse by degrees.
"
"god succumbed to a deep delassation
when he'd done with creating creation.
pooped out on day seven,
he rested in heaven
and pondered on hell and damnation.
"
"three mice on the run, sight-impaired;
one wife of a farmer, not scared.
she strikes from behind,
decaudation in mind;
three quick blows, three blind-mouse bottoms bared.
"
"when they wed he was hot, greedy-eyed
for the dowry that came with his bride;
but a dower equates
to one third his estates
and she got it all back when he died.
"
"an arthropod's glad, when it's fightin',
to know its cuticula's chitin ?
'cause hard, outer layers
stop arthropod slayers
intendin' on scratchin' and bitin'.
"
"in his wake, there lay wisps of his hair
on the sofa, the rug and the stair.
his defluvium meant
that he shed as he went,
leaving tendrils adrift in the air.
"
"blooming algae in ponds forms a scum weed
with slimy, green clumps (such a bum weed),
while out on the plains
in the scantiest rains
blooms the golden-crowned curlycup gumweed.
"
"there are sounds that are clear and distinct,
like the twang of a banjo when plinked,
or the snap of a stalk,
or the pop of a cork,
or the chinking of crystal that's clinked.
"
"a frog in the lily pond blinked,
then he blew out his cheeks and he winked,
""gotta kiss for a prince?""
first i gave him a rinse
'cos the smell of the bog was distinct.
"
"take an antipode, lydia bets,
and the opposite thing's what she gets.
friends and foes, ins and outs,
highs and lows, floods and droughts ?
and my nest egg compared with her debts.
"
"some plants are appealing down low
on the ground, in the garden, although
i would guess acaulescence
has less of a presence
in blooms that you'd grow for a show.
"
"in the glow of the late summer sun,
before winter's grey chill has begun,
in the woods, among weeds,
gilded curly-heads' seeds
gleam as brightly as gold that's been spun.
"
"it's an alkaloid, toxic and bitter,
that'll knock off a sizeable critter,
but smokers opine
taking cytisine's fine
for the jitters that hit up a quitter.
"
"connochaetes, or gnus, susie knew,
could be black-hued or brindled (or blue),
but if black gnus are kindled
by blue gnus (or brindled),
sue's clueless what hues will ensue.
"
"scarlet blooms like a bush parrot's beak;
honeyed nectar that hummingbirds seek;
passing passerines lift
up their songs for the gift
of clianthus ? exotic, unique.
"
"my conclusions will stun and astound you,
discredit, disprove and confound you,
giving lie to the lies
of the self-serving guys,
under guise of being wise, who surround you.
"
"the lamellibranchiate clam
doesn't clamour for jelly or jam.
dimyaria thrill
at the plankton they swill
through the frills in their gills by the gram.
"
"tasty tidbits will lighten the mood,
lift you up when you're sad and subdued.
no morsels are moister
than fish roe and oyster ?
ain't  daintrels the choicest of food!
"
"ardour weakens and spirits are cowed
in the mist and the cold, clammy cloud,
when the flickering lamp
sputters out in the damp,
and the drow wraps around like a shroud.
"
"he's a dudder with doodads for sale ?
smuggled goods, special price (that's his tale);
a slippery talker,
this peddler and hawker,
he'll dupe a few dopes without fail.
"
"deipnosophobia's one of those fears
that can drive the best hostess to tears,
as she contemplates glumly
a guest sitting dumbly,
while everyone else disappears.
"
"as the lofty compares to the trite,
and as different as black is from white,
like paupers and kings,
diametrical things
stand apart, like the poles, day and night.
"
"there are things so intrinsically linked,
you might think they're the same if you blinked ?
but not skunks mixed with skinks,
because one of them stinks,
and it's something that makes them distinct.
"
"a witch and a wizened old wizard
brewed potions of green lizard gizzard.
then witchy said, ""wizzy,
i'm giddily dizzy!""
cos hers'd fizzed far more than his'd.
"
"when he flew to peru, captain pugh
played his didgeridoo in the loo,
till the crew had a fit,
begging, ""pugh, will you quit
with that ludicrous bit of bamboo!""
"
"through the kitchen three mice leave a trail;
farmer's wife with a knife doesn't pale,
and slicing precisely,
decaudating nicely,
excises each mouse from its tail.
"
"when a zookeeper stumbled, up sprang a
young tigress he'd roused from her languor.
now he's pinned underneath,
and he's eyein' her teeth,
and he's wonderin' how to defang 'er.
"
"though for beauty was citronwood prized,
from its fragrance one use was devised ?
it perfumed the fires
that fed funeral pyres
and the smell of burnt corpses disguised.
"
"deipnosophists need no coercing
to chat; they delight in conversing,
and are blessed with a zest
that will keep all the best
of the guests while the rest are dispersing.
"
"gabby ordered a plate of grillade:
sizzling sausages drizzled in lard,
and sweet-syrup-sozzled
back bacon bits, crozzled
and blackened and crispy and charred.
"
"unsurpassed in both scale and design,
angkor wat honours vishnu divine.
majestically towering,
a nation empowering
as old ways with new intertwine.
"
"angkorian god-kings of old
ruled an empire of splendour untold.
ancient temples abide,
reawakening pride
as the hopes of a nation unfold.
"
"cambodians seek to atone
for a crime that they carry alone.
that khmer killed khmer
is the shame that they bear:
autogenocide ? killing one's own.
"
"slender egret, so graceful in flight ?
outstretched wings, feathers dazzlingly white,
crowning glory, a plume,
once a herald of doom
and a milliner's fickle delight.
"
"the words crinel and crinet together
are terms for a fine, hairlike feather ?
the kind you can pluck
from a hawk's neck, with luck
(once you've tethered it firmly with leather).
"
"augustus de morgan, logician,
musician and mathematician,
is known for his laws
using ands, nots and ors,
and the algebra-logic transition.
"
"in my hot yoga class a cool swami
teaches asanas known as bikram. he
does the cobra with ease,
at a hundred degrees,
with a mind-bending spine twist to charm me.
"
"golden leaves gayly didder and shiver
on aspens aglow and aquiver;
a soft autumn breeze
gently teases the trees
on the banks of the languorous river.
"
"the  doddered  oak, gnarly and grey,
reached the canopy crown in its day.
now it's knobbled and bent,
might and majesty spent?
fallen limbs speak of age and decay.
"
"contemper: to ease or allay
hurtful barbs in the words that you say,
to soften the sting,
take the edge off and bring	
moderation to views you convey.
"
"out of cubica cloth the gown's made.
it's for you, vicar. i'm in the trade.
the soft wool is so fine
that it's truly divine,
and your eyes match its deep crimson shade.
"
"i was drunk and i chundered ? ker-splat! ?
as i came home last night to my flat.
when i looked at the spew
did i hear a faint mew?
no, i'm sure that i didn't eat that.
"
"i cut out a pipe from the loo
as i fancied a didgeridoo,
but my didgeridon't:
i have tried and it won't.
it appears to be blocked up with poo.
"
"what does combmaker mean? that's the quiz.
and the answer? quite simply, it is,
in the lexical tomes,
just ""a maker of combs"",
and that's people, not bees and their biz.
"
"all my ""a"" rhymes i find are ok;
it's my ""b"" rhymes i can't get to play.
oh, i would if i could,
but i can't, so i shan't.
so i'll just bend the rules if i may.
"
"i was told this old joke by a scouse:
if it's mickey that's boss of the house,
is the disney world park,
where folks go for a lark,
just a people-trap run by a mouse?
"
"my creditors misplaced their trust
and i'm bankrupt ? i'm totally bust.
but what hasn't been told
is my shed's full of gold,
which is why i don't seem to be fussed.
"
"oh, muggers from mecca, you may
be found guilty the usual way.
if they chop off your hand
(as they might in that land)
you'll be stumped at the abdest, i'd say.
"
"they converted this old camerelle
with some plumbing, and tiling as well.
but they left something out,
so i'm having to shout,
""there's no paper! hey! ma?tre d'h?tel!""
"
"""i would say brittle maidenhair's best,""
said my hairdresser, making a jest.
""growing there, in its urn,
it's a dandruff-free fern,
head and shoulders above all the rest.""
"
"in the south of australia, it's famed;
there in harsh, arid soil and untamed,
scarlet wildflowers grow free ?
splendid sturt's desert pea,
floral emblem, protected, acclaimed.
"
"when no aeroplane takes off or lands, it
can stuff up one's carefully laid plans. it
is really a dog
to be closed in by fog
and to sit on one's luggage in transit.
"
"for colonics, we're using cologne,
fresh and fragrant as blooms fully blown;
sweetly perfumed, it's pure,
so it's sure to obscure
the aromas to which you are prone.
"
"recounted in story and song,
are gallipoli's tales that belong
to the anzacs who fought
and, in dying there, brought
to their nations a pride that's still strong.
"
"an imperial praetor could sit
on any old seat he saw fit,
but, in judgement, he sat
on the curule chair that
for a lesser man wasn't legit.
"
"shallow graves lying dusty and bare,
open wounds in the still, silent air.
did these souls find release?
after death was there peace
at cheung ek in the fields of despair?
"
"the ghosts do not cry anymore
at tuol sleng, but there's blood on the floor,
and confessions are nailed
to the walls where the jailed
pleaded guilty ? they knew not what for.
"
"pol pot is a name ever-chilling,
purveyor of terror, blood-spilling.
the number one brother
was feared like no other ?
in madness his own dream fulfilling.
"
"to create an agrarian nation,
they enslaved an entire population.
brutal laws were endorsed,
as the angkar enforced
its regime of dehumanisation.
"
"enigmatic, imperial faces
gaze down from their myriad places.
it is bayon's design
that the god-king, benign,
should behold all the lands he embraces.
"
"so your partridges hatched out today
and you've herded them all out to play.
you've got birds in a herd?
that's absurd! what's preferred
is a covey ? the right thing to say.
"
"who is that with his tappity-tap?
it's a cobbler, a shoe-mending chap,
but it's quite wrong to say
that, collectively, they
are a ""load of old cobblers"" ? that's crap.
"
"my tortoise stud, andy, is randy.
that's dandy for sandy and mandy
(the girls in my stable
both willing and able).
he'll coot with them both if they're handy.
"
"my palace, you'll note, is extended.
the conservatory's glass is quite splendid.
it's a wonderful chance
to grow tropical plants.
stowing thrones, though, is not recommended.
"
"a dog-leg, when out on the links,
is a fairway that bends or has kinks.
it can also be found
on your average hound,
where there's one at each corner, methinks.
"
"you've sure changed since i last saw you, reg.
don't you think you've gone over the edge?
was it worth all that money?
no, i won't call you 'honey'!
get your hands off my meat and two veg!
"
"my dahlink, you're young and so dreamy.
vould you like to come closer? get steamy?
i'm a randy old cougar.
so, vaht's this? a luger?
or are you that happy to see me?
"
"homo sapiens, i watch and despair
while we poison our world without care.
as we plunder and kill
and destroy with a will,
common sense seems exceedingly rare.
"
"this argument's dragged on too long.
i have stated my case and it's strong.
can't you see what i'd do
by agreeing with you?
i'd quite simply make both of us wrong.
"
"i'm twilight concealing the pimps.
i'm the dusk for crepuscular shrimps.
i'm the gloaming for scots
and, like babies in cots,
around dartmoor i'm sometimes called dimps.
"
"these begin with a generous suck,
then a squeeze makes a bang! with some luck.
with a blow it all ends.
diesel engines, my friends,
have no spark plugs (i'm not writing muck).
"
"the pine cone's the food that's preferred
by the crossbill ? a cute little bird ?
and i read in a brochure
that loxia scotia
was named a new species when heard.
"
"sweet maidens and muscular guys,
as you grip me between your firm thighs,
and i find that i'm pressed
up against a warm breast,
then your left-hand technique satisfies.
"
"i folded some paper one day
and i tried to perfect what i may.
i have practised for weeks
origami techniques,
and my skill is in creasing, i'd say.
"
"as we pole up the stream in this punt
i must say that you're being too blunt.
yes, my hat's a bycoket,
but why must you mock it?
it merely has peaks, back and front.
"
"a word that i've seldom seen used
is one that has left me bemused.
the word is confuzzled,
but does it mean puzzled?
(or simply a little confused?)
"
"she left me, my lovely young eider,
for brazil, where the rivers are wider.
she'll never come back,
as her last anguished quack
was cut short by a hungry bird spider.
"
"declared it, did yoda, as truth
that even the nasty, uncouth
and evil darth vader
embroiders some aida
with scenes from a happier youth.
"
"as a boy was he bullied and baited
by his father, a man whom he hated?
his name is old dutch
and it doesn't mean much,
only ""beet gardens"", roughly translated.
"
"""here's the candles you're asking me for,""
said ron c. to ron b. in the store.
""i'm not wantin' four candles!
i'm wantin' fork 'andles.
that's 'andles for forks, nuffin' more.""
"
"the jackhammer rory employs
makes a clattering, shattering noise ?
with a head-splitting pain,
it's confounding my brain
and destroying my peace and my poise.
"
"when the gorse blooms in springtime, gold spills
over pastureland, valleys and hills.
once a settler's delight,
this agrestial blight
adds a heap to today's farmer's bills.
"
"deconsecrated churches, not holy,
converted to purposes lowly,
are charming and quaint,
but religious they ain't,
nor employed by the god-fearing solely.
"
"this tool is so useful cuz it'll
shape pieces of stone, big or little.
keen chisels will pare
sturdy things, but beware?
it's your cash a sharp chiseler will whittle.
"
"committees or groups of ten men
were established in rome way back when.
these decemvirates met
so that laws could be set.
they are still found today, now and then.
"
"to the cheers of the cheerleading squad,
kate goes cartwheeling down through the quad.
while she's blithely cavorting,
she's lithely disporting
her splendidly bendable bod.
"
"every argument in your debate
was conclusive, convincing and straight;
without waffle or patter,
you settled the matter ?
discussive's the word for you, mate.
"
"as a girl, lil was dreamery-prone,
lived her life in a make-believe zone;
pictured princes on horses
(not kids and divorces).
oh my, how those musings have flown!
"
"a discourser, there's no need to force her,
she'll talk without pause about chaucer,
chai teas, chimpanzees,
cheddar cheese, the chinese...
would the law call that cause to divorce her?
"
"hattie builds in the style of the greeks,
making porticos, portals and peaks.
when she lets her son matt choose
acroterial statues,
""not penguins, you pea brain!"" she shrieks.
"
"colonel cholmondely-carruthers-colquhoun
was a cavalry man, a dragoon,
and he kept his old horse
upon his chosen course
with a snaffle and rein ? a bridoon.
"
"freshly brewed, my hot tea is revealing
both colour and scent quite appealing.
i'll put my feet up
and relax with this cup
of refreshingly healing darjeeling.
"
"when younger, miss price was a looker.
now ""jordan"", she's more like a hooker.
she's done something drastic
with botox and plastic.
she's d-list for sure. wanna book her?
"
"in the silence i heard myself say,
""we will not be ad-libbing today.
angel gabriel, please,
will you stop saying 'jeez'?
it's an effing nativity play!""
"
"i'm a dragon, a mythical beast.
on the flesh of young maidens i feast.
i'm a huge flying lizard
with flames in my gizzard;
for afters i'll char-grill the priest.
"
"all grocers (not bakers) are we,
so a dozen is twelve, which is key.
i have one dozen dozens
of nose-picking cousins ?
a gross of gross grocers, you see.
"
"the beer garden's blooming with flowers
in sun-dappled, leafy-lined bowers,
but now that i'm here
there's a wasp in my beer
and the forecast is thundery showers.
"
"your bosomy cleavage i find
is too much to put out of my mind,
and your jeans are so low,
did you know that you show
a few inches of cleavage behind?
"
"then the lord said to adam and cain,
""you're a faulty design. i'll explain.
it seems that your penis
(let's keep this between us)
will override most of your brain.""
"
"delusions of grandeur? no way!
i'm the monarch of all i survey
as i slouch in the gloom
of my bed-sitting room
eating 2-for-1 pizzas all day.
"
"claudent muscles, when used as you blink,
will close both of your eyes in a twink.
they're the ones you should choose
if you fancy a snooze
when you're wide-eyed and legless through drink.
"
"sometimes words can be flexible friends.
in the leaflets my banker now sends,
there's some small print. i've read it...
account not in credit?
your debit card now only bends.
"
"""a bodge is for dry goods, no water.
it's about half a peck, dearest daughter.""
""but, dad, what the heck
is 'about half a peck'?""
""well, a peck is, in bushels, a quarter.""
"
"i showed this technique to young vince
using papers of various tints:
fold the four corners in
to the centre ? begin!
origamists call that move a blintz.
"
"""compose a concerto for you?""
muttered ludwig, ""i've too much to do
writing serious tunes ?
not some crap for buffoons!""
(charlie beethoven played the kazoo.)
"
"so your treatment, you tell me, has ended
and your cleavage, dear bobby, is splendid.
you've magnificent tits,
but my problem is it's
not a thing that i thought macho men did.
"
"the preliminary base is the start,
then you petal fold corners apart.
you've now folded a bird base,
quite often the third base
to master when learning the art.
"
"a chopstick, an eating utensil,
is shaped like a tapering pencil.
just one is no use
to eat pork, duck, or goose:
use a pair ? that would make much more sensle.
"
"""they are selling like hot cakes,"" i said.
""will you please get this into your head?
can i patent this loaf,
you damn, ignorant oaf?
it's the best thing there's been since sliced bread.""
"
"get away from my hot apple crumble, bee!
do not stay with your hum and your rumble, bee!
go and pollinate flowers.
drink the nectar for hours.
you're a fat, fuzzy-bummed, buzzy bumble-bee.
"
"definitions are sometimes elastic.
my ""card"", for example, is plastic.
i use it and get
into high-interest debt
and the banks call it ""credit""! fantastic!
"
"wi' an instrument, solid and blunt,
i'll skelp ya fat heid, ya wee runt.
insignificant ponce,
i'll batter ya bonce.
ya concussed? now ya ken a guid crunt.
"
"the circle was never that good,
but it worked just as well as it could.
now it's been re-arranged,
and the circle line's changed,
so it's working much worse than it should.
"
"""a curve can't be pious!"" you shout.
a crunodal one is, without doubt.
though it's not on its knees,
at a crunode one sees
where it crosses itself. that's devout.
"
"i have travelled too far in this rig ?
in this wickerwork, two-wheeler gig ?
and the view's been, of course,
just the back-end of horse
in the croydon to croydon (with pig).
"
"the bicorn's a fabulous beast.
is he hungry? no, not in the least.
for at breakfasts and lunches
and dinners, he munches
long-suffering husbands ? a feast.
"
"""a red-legged crow"" is enough;
i don't need any more graphic stough.
and you saw one in slough?
well, i've no idea hough,
'cos it lives in the west, does the chough.
"
"bob the builder's not right, i would say.
can he fix it? he might do, one day.
but to make it more real
he needs to reveal
the bum-crack most builders display.
"
"she's constantly hungry, you'll find,
as it's seldom this monster has dined.
the chichevache eats
only wives that she meets
who are quiet and patient and kind.
"
"the glory they saw was the lord,
as he stamped on the grapes of wrath stored.
then with johnny brown swinging,
they soon started singing
and waving his terrible sword.
"
"the crease pattern shows every fold
in the one single step, which is bold.
i see only one square,
loads of lines everywhere ?
to be honest, i think i'm too old.
"
"it's a weapon, this sling-like device.
when it's used with an aim that's precise,
it will launch a sharp dart
that can puncture the heart.
no, a dart thrower's not very nice.
"
"it is true these draconian laws
are severe on all crimes such as yours.
your offense may be minor;
that's tough, me old china.
your head's coming off early doors.
"
"oh, it's bank paper. what a surprise.
it's so strong and so thin i surmise
that its grammage is fifty,
which makes it quite nifty
for folding five fruitflies ? lifesize.
"
"the penguin, a comical bird,
had a name that is now rarely heard,
and, although not polite,
it described him just right.
it was arsefoot, an old sailor word.
"
"there's a word for what moulders away
and has rot, putrefaction, decay.
decomposer's that word.
and it's plainly absurd
to think mozart or wagner, today.
"
"we are sundews (the drosera genus).
""quite striking!"" say folk who have seen us.
on leaves, quite like hands,
mucilaginous glands
make short work of the insects between us.
"
"if folk who are birds of a feather
would chat and discuss and not blether,
or constantly squabble,
they'd come to conjobble:
to settle, in concert, together.
"
"bananas are yellow and bent.
from more tropical climes they are sent,
so some bunches could hide a
tarantula spider
to crawl through your kitchen in kent.
"
"nearly nine years of slaving i'd judge,
but the long, lonely toil i don't grudge.
dr. johnson's my name;
i deserve all my fame
for my work as a harmless old drudge.
"
"you say that you've flown from peru
and we handled your baggage for you.
i can see from your face
that we've misplaced your case.
but don't fret. we might find the odd few.
"
"bouncy castles are pumped full of air.
one appeared at our church summer fair.
and i told him (the priest),
""take your shoes off at least:
you can't wear your stilettos in there.""
"
"i'm a hungry and homeless man who
had a life and a wife just like you.
does she love you and kiss you?
please buy a big issue ?
i think it's the least you can do.
"
"said a foolish young plagiarist, ""one
has now found writing essays quite fun.
it no longer takes ages
to pen fifteen pages,
just copypaste. bang! and it's done.""
"
"i confess, in my dissolute youth
i've been drunk as a skunk, that's the truth.
now i'm old and my bladder
is shrinking. what's sadder?
i'm stinking and out of vermouth.
"
"it's a cheap and a nourishing meal ?
mashed potato and mince. and for feel,
try to add to the mix
some old thatch and some bricks
so the name, cottage pie, is for real.
"
"after all of this recent rain-showering
my drosera's finally flowering.
little insects, take heed:
if my sundew sets seed,
there'll be even more sticky-devouring.
"
"""will i die, doctor?"" ""certainly not!
it is merely a cold that you've got.""
""but i'm coughing like hell,
i can't breathe very well
and my head's full of gunge, phlegm and snot.""
"
"of chelonia now i will tell.
we once thought we were safe in a shell.
you have chased us and caught us.
in pet shops you've bought us ?
we're tortoises; turtles as well.
"
"to copy just press control-c.
that's as easy as easy can be.
as you now place your text
you may well be perplexed ?
who the heck would spell paste with a v?
"
"it's their fate, it's too late for goodbyes.
they ascend to their end, their demise.
from the scaffold, my friend,
watch their bodies descend
and start swinging in front of your eyes.
"
"if you want one, supply your own priest.
bring a brown paper bag in, at least.
that's to hold the cremains ?
the burnt body and brains
of your dearly belov?d deceased.
"
"my diaphanometer gear
will be testing the air around here.
though it might seem apparent
that air is transparent,
this tells me precisely how clear.
"
"the blemya, a fabulous creature,
possesses a singular feature:
he's lacking a head.
on his chest is instead
a big face that he uses to eat yer.
"
"when they see me, the stout-hearted fuss
and the little old ladies all cuss
swearing, 'hell and damnation!' ?
i'm pratchett's creation
and quoted in capitals, thus.
"
"clergywomen, abandon all hope.
for, although as mere priests you can cope,
unlike masculine vicars,
the bits in your knickers
preclude you becoming a pope.
"
"""so, doc, what's this craniophore?""
""it's for holding your skull, nothing more,
while i measure its size.
and now, here's a surprise;
it's as thick as you look, that's for sure.""
"
"""if you're asking what clavicles do,
i'm afraid that i haven't a clue.""
said the croc, with a smile,
""my aclidian style
means no collar bones?really, it's true.""
"
"this drone comet is buzzing with bees.
take a look at the queen, what a tease.
hi there, honey, i've won
and we've mated, it's done ?
and my tackle's been ripped out! oh jeez!
"
"now, the closed sink is not hard to do;
you just push the point down and then through.
a professional tip:
if the paper should rip,
just remember you always have glue...
"
"said the mantis, regarding its prey
in a hungry, malevolent way,
""my luncheon, quotidian,
is always acridian ?
bitter grasshoppers every day.""
"
"put the wasp in the pitcher, i'd say;
it's passed on in a natural way.
it has drowned unexpected,
in rain i've collected
to water nepenthes today.
"
"if you heat up some beer, just enough,
it'll give off some steam. when that stuff,
which is vapour, condenses,
you'll find on your senses
the whisky distilled will be rough.
"
"bundaegi are chrysalis meat;
silkworm pupae are cooked up to eat.
i'm reluctant to munch
some dead insects for lunch
so it's dog soup for me, down the street.
"
"bombyx mori, the silkworm, is bred
to produce its cocoons of silk thread.
but my old buddhist lama
says, ""think of your karma:
they're boiled, unwound and left dead.""
"
"you'll be full of remorse when i've died.
as for method i can't quite decide.
i'll be taking my life
with a gun, noose or knife,
'cos my oven's electric ? i tried.
"
"of the druids we don't know a lot;
bugger-all's about all that we've got.
the romans had written
they lived in old britain:
the rest may be true, or may not.
"
"some cosmetics are made from snail jelly
to smooth out the marks on your belly.
but if you're a mug
and use stuff from a slug,
you'll be wrinkly and slimey and smelly.
"
"the colosseum in rome can't be beat.
(all the lions were fed on live meat;
they preferred their lunch raw,
and the crowds loved the gore.)
it should look pretty good when complete.
"
"there are digital watermarks found
on e-documents, pictures and sound.
you may live to regret
nicking stuff from the net
that some bounder has found a way round.
"
"that's an ex-armadillo you smell;
he's departed to heaven or hell.
i shall strum his death tango
upon the charango
i'll make from his now vacant shell.
"
"this dictator with puritan thoughts
destroyed castles, cathedrals and forts
with his new model army.
but cromwell, quite barmy,
insisted on keeping the warts.
"
"in an act of chelonian lust,
my stud tortoise has thrust and he's bust
the top half of his shell
and his plastron as well,
so his crust in an amma is trussed.
"
"""will you book me a cab?"" asks the guy.
""a taxicab, sir? i will try.""
then the guy says to me,
""and how long will it be?""
""nearly thirteen foot six,"" i reply.
"
"as my heart doesn't beat in my chest,
from my vital signs death might be guessed.
doctor claims i'll survive
being frozen alive;
i'm in deep hypothermic arrest.
"
"all my chickens have now flown the coop
and my ducks have been made into soup.
i've no eagles or hawks
or those long-legged storks.
my beard's birdless and turdless ? no poop.
"
"in the tube system, deep underground,
a new culex mosquito was found.
clearly minding the gap
and exploiting beck's map,
these molestus molest us year round.
"
"desert rat is the label bestowed
upon various rodents who've showed
they can live in the sands
of american lands.
(a dessert rat is served a la mode.)
"
"a beer is a thing like a mole.
not the beastie that lives down a hole,
nor the beer that can cheer.
but a breakwater pier
you might see on a beachcombing stroll.
"
"a beer is the warp ends divided
and tidied so threads can be guided
quite smoothly with speed
through the slots in the reed.
did you think it a drink? i know i did.
"
"i don't think that you've heard what i said.
all your doodling is doing my head
and your damn doodle-sack
is pressed right up my back.
do you have to play bagpipes in bed?
"
"she can swear, spit and fart like no other.
she can piss twice as far as my brother.
with her liking for booze
and her home-made tattoos,
she is coarse, but i love her ? my mother.
"
"it was jazz that he played, not the tango,
and the swing of the music of django
made it easy to dance
at the hot club de france
(the guitar that he played had a twango).
"
"of the illnesses dogs might endure
there is one for which i am quite sure:
if some mutt has got rabies
and starts biting babies,
i'll use the old canicide cure.
"
"dionaea muscipula, i
like to seize 'em and squeeze 'em till dry.
i'm a carnivore diner
from north carolina.
don't bring me the soup, just the fly.
"
"they're a savoury cantonese snack.
as for making them, i have the knack.
you will rave about dim sum ?
i gave her and him some
and both of them scoffed the whole stack.
"
"disfranchised, a public disgrace,
i have no civil rights in this place.
i've been sentenced to atimy.
what can the matter be?
""bollocks!"" tattooed on my face.
"
"the plurals of crocus are three:
simply crocus when groups you can see,
and then crocuses normally,
croci when formally.
(seems two too damn many to me.)
"
"he's constipated, taking dried plums
and he's stuck on his algebra sums,
but, by using his brain
and with effort and strain,
works some out with his fingers and thumbs.
"
"with the wind they arrive on the soil
and they add to my gardening toil.
there's some fluff on each seed
of the damn thistle weed ?
the corona ? its own parafoil.
"
"soulless drum machines fill me with rage;
they might save a percussionist's wage,
but the sound is synthetic,
pre-programmed, pathetic ?
my chums, keep the drum-bums on stage.
"
"she hides notes in her bra (she's big-busted)
but her character's warped, maladjusted.
she's a spy for peru
but helps ecuador, too.
double agents like her can't be trusted.
"
"i can't take any more ? i've a drawerful
of bad copy from you ? it's all awful.
an editor oughta
prevent all this slaughter
of english ? your grammar ain't lawful.
"
"in old beech woods they're found in the trees,
they're as furry and cute as you please.
yes, these dormice are nice;
take a gourmet's advice,
and just toast them on skewers, with cheese.
"
"cyberslacking, i guess, is not right;
i'm not working, i'm shirking tonight.
my net surfing's a crime
during company time ?
i've just found a great limerick site.
"
"it seems contronym words are quite rare
and have opposite meanings ? beware:
as i passed by a store,
in the window i saw
that ""the chemist dispenses with care"".
"
"this is coarse linen fabric, or duck.
but do not let your mind come unstuck;
drabbet's turned into smocks
and it isn't the flocks
of foul waterfowl dabbling in muck.
"
"my interpreter took me aside
with, ""effendi, me persian, me guide
and me good speaking drogman.
you order big frogman
with scrotum of camel, deep-fried.""
"
"draw the curtains and let in some light.
draw the curtains to keep out the night.
as you may well suppose,
it means open and close.
that's so crazy! a contronym, right?
"
"agricultural work had appealed;
now my task is to maximise yield
with the pest control crew
as a scarecrow. it's true,
i'm outstanding in my chosen field.
"
"i was mugged, and the cops made me wait.
british transport police? listen, mate,
when you're needing these chaps
they will be there...perhaps ?
like the trains, they are frequently late.
"
"all this benefit tourism's great
for them foreigns wot sponge off the state.
and it's my taxes payin',
that's all that i'm sayin' ?
'course, i ain't a racialist, mate.
"
"and i spoke to our priest, father ted,
""i shall use a dutch hoe on the bed.""
""an amsterdam madam?
they're rubbish, i've had 'em.""
""it's for weeding the garden."" i said.
"
"odz bodkins! i'm bodkinned! it's true.
i'm the third in a space built for two.
what a pleasant surprise
to be squeezed 'twixt the thighs
of two lovely young ladies like you.
"
"with my shiny ceraunoscope, we
will make thunder and lightning to see.
plug it in, throw the switch ?
it appears there's a hitch:
it's the meter; it needs 50p.
"
"here in spain, i am waiting in vain
on the plain to get drenched by the rain,
as this shower is piffling.
it's only just driffling ?
a drop or two, now and again.
"
"in the film mary poppins, we heard
the sweep's accent ? bizarre and absurd.
an' it gave us a laugh
but weren't cockney by 'alf,
more like cockneyish ? prolly a furd.
"
"when i laughed at the whole virgin birth
all the cardinals censured my mirth.
they showed strong disapproval
and sought my removal
from being christ's vicar on earth.
"
"""don't try this at home, folks,"" he said,
as he banged a big spike through his head.
so i tried with a spike
and i died in one strike.
now i'm ghostwriting limericks instead.
"
"the proportions will always stay true;
cut in half, it's still 1 by root 2.
so abandon your ""letter"";
a4 is much better.
why stay as ""the land of the few""?
"
"diarrh?a has some difficult bits
(that's apart from loose motions and squits).
if the ligature's missing
(that's 'o' and 'e' kissing)
it's a yank's; if it's there, it's a brit's.
"
"a persistent demandress, my tess ?
she required an answer, no less.
she insisted i tell 'er
(i'm now 'er ex-feller)
""is my bum getting big?"" ? i said yes.
"
"in an argos, the catalogue store,
they have everything, possibly more.
and you queue and you pay
and you wait and they may
find your stuff in the warehouse next door.

it's for people who haven't much dosh
and for riff-raff, who clearly don't wash.
but there's one thing, my dear:
they can't shoplift in here.
(one won't use it as one is too posh.)
"
"""we arrested a villain at ten,
and i swept out the cells once again.
then the sergeant and me
had a nice cup of tea,
and i filled out this charge sheet in pen.""
"
"my dark field microscope shows
all the nasties that live in your nose.
what's important? what matters?
the bright light that scatters
and glows on that snot-monster's toes.
"
"""don't cremate me but freeze me,"" i said,
""liquid nitrogen over my head.
cryomation, my friend,
is the green way to end.
you can use me as compost when dead.""
"
"he's been cut from the herd ? singled out
with a holler, a wave and a shout.
and, to judge by the smells
and the bellows and yells,
it's a branding and gelding, no doubt.
"
"my bonsai, although they are small,
are not miniature species at all.
it's by shortening the shoots
and the pruning of roots
they're prevented from growing up tall.
"
"you're a criticiser?! you've got a cheek
to be claiming my rhyming is weak
and my meaning obscure.
i should think, no, i'm sure,
you can't write, so you choose to critique.
"
"this is boshintang: spicy dog soup.
it's korean and fixes my ""droop"".
rover! what did you do?
what is this in my shoe?
is it yours? that's your last ever poop....
"
"the diagrams drawn on these pages
have taken me ages and ages.
you can now fold my horse,
with its wings spread, of course,
as i've diagrammed each of the stages.
"
"all her bones are beginning to show
as she moulders and rots, nice and slow.
i'm not shocked or dismayed
she's becoming decayed ?
mum's been dead for a decade or so.
"
"i put cart before horse, that is so.
it's on purpose. i think you should know
that this harmless old drudge
will not shift, will not budge ?
in my dictionary, that's where they go.
"
"at an art fair (with no hints of sales),
at the stall of the young prince of wales:
""dearest charles, it is known
you are heir to the throne;
have you nothing but old prints of whales?""
"
"with its anapest rhythm, the rhyme
of a limerick's something sublime:
it has humour and wit,
but must never be writ
in iambic pentameter time.
"
"don't give me objections, my dear;
your advice i do not need to hear.
i don't need your opinion ?
you're only a minion,
so but me no buts. is that clear?
"
"in stilettos and stockings i twirl
and my soft, silken skirts are a-swirl.
with my make-up i paint
that i am what i ain't
and this guy is disguised as a girl.
"
"here's advice that you must understand
if your marriage is boring and bland:
there is hope for you yet
if you never forget ?
spontaneity needs to be planned.
"
"all this limerick writing is fun.
i have already finished line one.
you can parse it with ease,
you can pass if you please.
i don't mind as this limerick's done.
"
"said the shepherd, ""that's wolves i can hear.
they'll try eating the lambkins. oh dear.""
then he turned to his collie,
the sheepdog, ""here, molly!
we'd best get the flock out of here.""
"
"i've bought 'em, i've sold 'em, i've lent 'em;
that's  amentums, for extra momentum.
these loops may be thin
but they give the spears spin,
so the bloody things go where i've sent 'em.
"
"i'm hawaiian and live in a tree.
my chirality's sinistral, see?
i'm an achatinella,
both girl and a fella
(hermaphrodite gastropod), me.
"
"boris bikes make the journeys much quicker;
cycling 'round is now cheaper and slicker:
thirty minutes is free,
then a nominal fee.
(but a nicker's nicked three hundred nicker.)
"
"the erosion is patently clear.
but how much has eroded round here?
use the bubnoff, it's great.
it's the rubbin' off rate
of just one micrometre per year.
"
"i'm a cross pollinator (that's me)
since i can't do my job as a bee.
i've the pollen (that's great)
but can't cross-pollinate,
since there's only one flower, you see.
"
"""we're exceedingly rare in the wild.""
alligator sinensis then smiled,
""now i'm safe in this zoo,
i know just what to do ?
captive breeding has got me beguiled.""
"
"""all the crocin has leached out, i think,
of the robes that i washed in the sink.
and that lovely, rich red,""
the old mandarin said,
""has now stained my best y-fronts bright pink.""
"
"the fifth letter, e, i can c
is as common as common can b.
and if n e of u
can say y, form a q,
u r welcome to come round for t.
"
"a dye for the eyelids is what
calliblephary was, and i've got
some indelible yellow
(i'm that sort of fellow)
and lipstick to match ? man! i'm hot!
"
"a collop's not meant for the plough,
it's the size that the land will allow.
it's the pasture that's needed
to keep livestock feeded ?
six sheep eat the same as one cow.
"
"the most beautiful earthrise has started
and i stand on the moon, broken-hearted.
there'll be tears in my eyes
when i watch the earth's rise ?
as the last lunar lander's departed.
"
"so, clarus, the dogcow, has fled.
is the mac printing icon now dead?
she no longer says, ""moof!""
she has disappeared ? poof!
there's a boring, grey guy there instead.
"
"central banks print the bank bills we use
for the purchase of items we choose.
and if i get a bank bill,
this bill from my bank will
be paid ? ""is cash rented?"" i muse.
"
"in otago, where dwanging is nogging,
i sawed out my dwangs after logging
to set between struts ?
also joists, for big butts
(that's of wine, not the joyce i was snogging).
"
"antirealism? here is the gist:
all i know that can truly exist
is the stuff that i find
when i look in my mind.
(i suspect most of that won't be missed.)
"
"so, can i tell the future? you bet!
ceraunoscopy's easy. no sweat!
see those skies that we're under?
that lightning and thunder
tell me that we're gonna get wet.
"
"it is something that all of us treasure,
but, objectively, find hard to measure.
i find tootling my flute
is a deduit or dute:
a diversion, enjoyment and pleasure.
"
"such a sweet soporific is dwale.
it'll send you to sleep without fail.
there's nothing to fear,
so drink deeply my dear.
i'll look lovely in black ? with a veil.
"
"an oafish and arrogant fellow
unsheathed in my favourite bordello.
i said to him, ""sir,
you're an ignorant cur!""
and, unbuttoned, i won that duelo.
"
"all the draculin here in my spit
is the anticoagulant bit.
it's a protein i've got
for preventing a clot ?
it was named by some scientist ""wit"".
"
"there were flies in the soup that was spilled
and the ""oven-baked mushrooms"" were grilled.
you can take back this check.
you can wind in your neck.
there's no way i'll accept being billed.
"
"i'm no longer a slave to the wax;
on my ipod are thousands of tracks
which i hear through my earphones.
if you hear some queer moans,
it's me ? i've got wagner on max.
"
"cholecystokinin is great
as a hunger suppressant. but wait ?
it'll trigger digestion,
without any question,
of all of that fat you just ate.
"
"""an echidna's a mammal that's got
a neat four-headed penis ?"" ""you what?""
""they lay eggs like a bird.""
""now, that's plainly absurd.""
""not for lady echidnas, it's not.""
"
"my taste tends towards all the tallsorts
though sometimes i'm sweet on the smallsorts,
the skinny and fat ones,
the mad-as-a-bat ones:
eclectic ? i like licking allsorts.
"
"you girls! will you kindly stop talking
and listen to us when we're walking.
we've filled our galoshes
with water that sloshes ?
hey chicks! check out chuck 'n' me chorking.
"
"the eleventh commandment i tout
is the best one there is, without doubt.
you can harbour a yen
to ignore the first ten
but ? thou shalt not get caught or found out.
"
"i cannot accept the word can't.
and forget even thinking of shan't.
you can do it with ease
like a kid's abcs:
bob's your uncle and fanny's your aunt.
"
"""what would happen, i wonder,"" he said,
""if i drilled a big hole in your head?""
then the doc added, drily,
""you're just corpus vile:
quite worthless alive or when dead.""
"
"?ere's a symbol  you don't often see:
?at's a ""dee"" wi? a cross like a ""tee"".
it's called edh. is ?at clear?
try and think it through, dear.
?ose ""tee-aitches"" are hard, just like ?ee.
"
"in antarctica ? icy and cold ?
all the emperor penguins were polled.
there were more than was thought
as the satellite caught
nearly six hundred thousand all told.
"
"logging in at the office, i'm shocked.
the security settings are locked.
i can no longer shirk
when i'm here at my work
as my access to this site is blocked.
"
"the limerick i'm trying to write is:
""encephalomyocarditis"".
it's harrowing how
a farrowing sow
so prone to this virus-borne blight is.
"
"though i seem to be laid back and chilled,
when i look at the poster i'm thrilled.
there's my name in the cast;
i've achieved fame at last ?
it's as ""cow (the back end)"" i am billed.
"
"the cyclostomata, say teachers,
have many remarkable features:
one nostril, no jaw bone;
the lampreys have more bone
than hagfish ? the slimiest creatures.
"
"the bible ? it starts with the word,
then recounts loads of stuff that occurred.
and then jesus was born,
did his thing and was gorn.
and he hasn't returned ? i'd have heard.
"
"god knows what that dunce understands.
he has zero intelligence glands.
it's an absolute farce:
couldn't find his own arse
in the dark ? even using both hands.
"
"badly named by the raj long ago
(army officers ? what do they know?)
it's a bird, the crow pheasant,
its flesh is unpleasant,
and isn't a pheasant or crow.
"
"oh, poo, to the matters of state!
let these egg-stealing pigs meet their fate.
one must launch angry birds
at the green, grunting herds.
we are queen, and the p.m. can wait.
"
"the last job went well, i could tell,
by the thud and the blood and the smell.
chopping through royal necks
is much better than sex ?
and i've cromwell to do now as well.
"
"in the dark, in a beautiful box
with no lid and no hinges or locks,
it remains safe and sound,
golden-yellow and round.
(you need fertilised ones to make flocks.)
"
"there are cheeses that taste a lot worse,
and some others will empty your purse.
there's a nice one that's dutch
that will not cost you much,
and that's edam ? it's made in reverse.
"
"evolution will do what it must,
and advergence is part of that thrust.
it produces such things
as the elegant wings
in which skylarks and bats place their trust.
"
"the good lord, in his world without end,
did design us most cleverly, friend.
only he could have known
that your ears must be grown
where the legs on your spectacles bend.
"
"the oedilf as a book? shouldn't knock it.
make it just the right size for a pocket
(crown octavo i'd say,
with an inch either way)
and most every good bookshop will stock it.
"
"""this mammoth i'm holding,"" he cried,
""i've been folding from elephant hide.
no, not pachyderm skin,
it's a foldably thin
sturdy paper ? no elephants died.""
"
"standard wisdom is mick cannot win:
he's an eejit with drool on his chin.
and he's somewhat more thick
than your average brick ?
jeez! the eejits have voted him in.
"
"hey, boss, me an' nuckles ain't happy;
this baby-snatch job's gone all crappy.
we done as instructed;
the kid's been abducted,
but how do we change its damn nappy?
"
"for freedom south africans waited.
its arrival was somewhat belated.
with mandela released
the apartheid has ceased.
are the afrikaans dekaffirnated?
"
"your dress sense is vulgar and crude.
a display that is, frankly, quite rude.
your exceedingly hairy
fat arse is too scary ?
so, pull your damn trousers up, dude!
"
"""now why don't you tarry awhile,""
smirked the boss with a lecherous smile.
""i might just have tarried,""
she said, ""but you're married ?
and also i think that you're vile.""
"
"""i'm sure that you'll get on amazingly,""
said the boss as he ogled appraisingly.
""a much shorter skirt
and a lower cut shirt...""
""not me!"" she said, storming out blazingly.
"
"there are girls whose extreme amability
can threaten a fellow's tranquility.
this liking for love
(which they're often proud of)
exploits a poor chap's vulnerability.
"
"to accentuate means just to stress
a word where you want to express
its greater import,
or its status ? in short
any time when that word must impress.
"
"an agama's a land-dwelling lizard
with a typically bright-coloured gizzard.
it's this reptile's salvation
to change pigmentation
to white if it's caught in a blizzard.
"
"the smoke from a chimney or fire,
or the uppermost tip of a spire,
or the flight of a dove:
the  above are above,
since that adjective always means ""higher"".
"
"aphrodisiacs build up the fire
of feminine sexual desire.
if a chap says he'd never
use any whatever ?
i reckon he's probably a liar.
"
"a substance that's aphrodisiacal
makes ladies quite nymphomaniacal.
though girls might complain
and suggest we refrain,
we chaps think it's paradisiacal.
"
"a solution of gaseous ammonia,
when used with abrasive zirconia,
will get anything clean
but its smell is so mean ?
when you've finished your friends better phone ya.
"
"abreaction's the outlet of fears
or of worries and hidden ideas,
but we shouldn't be critical
of psychoanalytical
regressions that go back for years.
"
"to aim means to point or direct
a rifle or gun with respect,
so you never permit
the wrong things to be hit,
which occurs if your aim's not correct.
"
"an aerofoil's part of a 'plane
designed to adjust or maintain
the right flow of air
across surfaces where
its absence means flight can't sustain.
"
"abatement's the noun from abate,
for ""reduction"" or ""making less great"".
as a verb it means ""quash
(that's to legally squash)
an unresolved legal debate"".
"
"abderites are people from thrace
from abdera, a town in that place.
it was famous in history,
so it's rather a mystery
that of thrace there's now hardly a trace.
"
"the acetylene torch, used for burning,
or welding and subsequent turning,
needs considerable skill,
for else it can kill ?
that's why it takes plenty of learning.
"
"the ayrshire's a very fine breed
of cattle from west of the tweed.
though they started in ayr,
they're now found everywhere,
since their toughness ensures they succeed.
"
"adduce means propose or suggest,
advance evidence for, or attest.
as a legal expression,
i get the impression
we're reluctant to do it ? at best.
"
"the old-fashioned expression abearance
we usually learned from our parents.
it's the way we behave,
be it good, fair or grave,
that they looked at with utmost forbearance.
"
"abrade means to wear off by rubbing
or else by excessively scrubbing.
at times this is fine
for creating a shine ?
out of place though, you're in for a drubbing.
"
"to be accurate means to be right
with your statements or things that you cite.
any other approach
deserves swift reproach,
since carelessness isn't polite.
"
"now this is an interesting topic:
removing fatigue ? that's acopic.
my method's quite clear:
i drink plenty of beer.
i know when i'm ready to stop (hic).
"
"a savage attack, or affret,
is the sort of result you might get
if you say to a man
who's a strong football fan
that you think that his team is no threat.
"
"for analogies philology pete
will compare random things in his street.
""written speech with no quotes,
like a horse with no oats,
is heading for certain defeat.""
"
"a rifle that's called autoloading
has a special mechanical coding,
so its bullets will load
on their own and explode ?
and the spent shells come out without goading.
"
"a sequence that's alphanumerical
can sometimes create words hysterical.
b-a-one-one-five,
on the car that you drive,
means your licence plate names objects spherical.
"
"if you see that my face is agrin,
with a smile nearly splitting my chin,
then it surely is clear
that i have some fine beer ?
and my drinking's about to begin.
"
"there's a sea trout that's called arctic char
which is found only out in the far
and the northernmost seas,
although some, if you please,
live in landlocked quebec ? how bizarre.
"
"asparagus: truly delicious
and also extremely nutritious.
with sauce or with butter
it sets hearts aflutter
(its shape being slightly suspicious).
"
"amp-hours are a battery's trait
and the rule we can easily state:
a battery that powers
two amps for four hours
has an ampere-hour rating of eight.
"
"an interesting fruit is the akee:
scented flowers and flesh red and tacky.
but eat it too soon
(or too late), and you'll swoon.
it has arils that make you go wacky.
"
"in the sun-dappled depths of the dale
my plants are all healthy and hale.
down there it's the right shade
to grow deadly nightshade ?
the dwayberry, death-cherry, dwale.
"
"i was dressed to impress, rather sheikly,
but the speed of my steed was too treacley.
so i purchased a camel ?
magnificent mammal:
the deloul as a rule travels queekly.
"
"""there's a word of my trade and my toil,""
i was told by an old cutler-royal,
""for the part of a blade,
near the handle, that's made
as an indent or flattening ? the choil.""
"
"to san pedro, the naturalist came
with a hammer and took careful aim;
a sharp blow to the head
and his fox was struck dead ?
its descendants now bear the man's name.
"
"there's no food on this raft. are we cursed
to succumb to starvation and thirst?
we're all in the same boat
and we're hungry; let's vote
to find out who i start eating first.
"
"is that bombykol there on the breeze?
i'm a silkmoth and you're just a tease,
'cause your pheromone smell
makes me randy as hell;
let's make love in the mulberry trees.
"
"the princeling of elsinore who
soliloquised what he should do
asked, would he be freer
by being a beer ?
existing, or bidding adieu?
"
"when you're changing the clocks, you should state:
""spring forward, fall back"" ? keep it straight.
when i woke up today
i had gone the wrong way,
so i found myself two hours late.
"
"a bedroom's a room with a bed.
it's defined in that line you've just read.
and it's also the place
i've been sent in disgrace,
just for shaving my kid sister's head.
"
"all those ""medical"" sites make me sweat;
my diseases aren't fatal...just yet;
but my doctor has said
that it's all in my head:
""cyberchondriac ? stay off the net.""
"
"if your arms or your shoulders feel achy,
and your legs and your hands are all shaky,
then this dull nagging pain
you'll just have to contain ?
all infections will make you feel flaky.
"
"today you just have to adapt
and shift to things currently apt.
if you don't want to change
your status or range,
then in history you'll likely be trapped.
"
"many years back a bright engineer
invented the smart bevel gear.
this cunning new notion
could alter the motion
of a drive from the side to the rear.
"
"acequia: a ditch or a drain
that irrigates out on a plain.
were it used on a hill
it would soon overfill ?
so water there runs in a main.
"
"a clock with a noisy alarm
is probably lacking in charm,
but its audible warning
at eight in the morning
effectively saves one from harm.
"
"abfarad's a massive amount,
a whole billion farads its count;
a capacitance unit
so large we lampoon it;
a measure of major account.
"
"abnormal means ""deviant or strange""
or ""out of the usual range"",
such as leaves that are blue
or a mauve cockatoo
or a cabbie who has the right change.
"
"america ? land of the free;
the country where most want to be,
with its prairies so vast
and its views unsurpassed
and its budweiser beer ? whoops, not me!
"
"i confess i just recently heard
that an acronym's simply a word
from each starting initial
of phrases official ?
uno that the concept's absurd!
"
"a young girl behaving precociously
may be thought to be acting atrociously.
but her parents' stance now
will start off a big row,
and they'll end up by fighting ferociously.
"
"my mare that was pregnant has foaled,
but my daughter is not to be told.
the reason, of course, is
all my baby horses
are labelled as ""beef"" and then sold.
"
"dihydrogen monoxide i find
often frightens the gullible mind.
read the claims with great care
as the aim is to scare.
it's just water ? the everyday kind.
"
"devascularization produced
a result that i should have deduced:
when his neck tie was tightened
i thought he looked frightened.
but his nose bleed was quickly reduced.
"
"the cacao has tempted and pleasured,
and by aztecs and mayans was treasured.
in degrees of macmichael,
that chocolate you like'll
have flow rate (viscosity) measured.
"
"alphonso ? the mango to prize.
they're delicious and fragrant but, guys,
they were banned in the states
because uncle sam hates
infestations of fruit-sucking flies.
"
"an equestrienne? with that i concur,
as she's riding quite skillfully, sir.
and it's quite plain to me
that godiva's a she,
as the horse has more clothes on than her.
"
"should i abdicate ? give up my throne
and all of the titles i own?
should young charles have his way
as he hopes to some day?
bloody bollocks to that! ? let him moan.
"
"i bought a new tortoise today
for a coot with my stud billy-ray.
but it's turned out a joke
as the ""girl"" is a bloke,
and now both of the buggers are gay.
"
"not a daffodil, foxglove or rose:
but a flower (as everyone knows)
is like water or lava
or fine vintage cava ?
a flower is something that flows.
"
"one horsepower (electric) has got
seven hundred and forty-six watt,
slightly larger, you'll find,
than the everyday kind,
with five-fifty foot-pounds at the trot.
"
"if a bovine in some leafy glade
should swallow a live hand-grenade
then surely it's vile
(though the word makes me smile);
it's abominable ? that's what he's made.
"
"the lexical sign ampersand
(a corruption of ""and per se and""),
though very inviting
in casual writing,
in formal should always be banned.
"
"the appendix ? the end of a book
where the reader can readily look
and will find (theoretically)
arranged alphabetically
what still will be gobbledygook.
"
"the abrus: a tropical vine
whose vivid red seeds look quite fine;
but treat them with caution ?
eat the most minute portion
and you're into a fatal decline.
"
"barbarically means using force,
unfettered and lacking remorse,
like barbarian hordes
with their axes and swords,
intent on their own selfish course.
"
"an a-bomb's a weapon atomic
whose use cannot be economic,
since mad heads of state
might retaliate?straight
to results far more tragic than comic.
"
"abscondence ? a fugitive's hiding,
in a place of concealment abiding;
and that's a safe place
except in the case
of searchers and sought coinciding.
"
"accommodation ? a room or a space,
like a berth or a similar base.
our language variations
mean yanks say accommodations,
but single or not ? just one place.
"
"abies ? the genus true firs ?
they're trees whose leaves all end in spurs.
this kind of sharp spine
(like that of a pine)
both showers and insects deters.
"
"aheight means aloft or on high,
like a bird or a fly in the sky,
though this rather old word
so seldom is heard,
we might as well just let it die.
"
"an atopic reaction is one
that happens once contact's begun.
this allergic response
can quickly ensconce
and needs to be promptly undone.
"
"addled describes the confused,
or eggs far too old to be used.
so folks addlepated
(as we've more or less stated)
are probably often bemused.
"
"an item considered abatable
can reduce like a punctured inflatable,
so that excess of sound
at a football game ground
is abatable (though that's debatable!).
"
"absorb means to soak or take up,
like a biscuit or bread in a cup
that will soak up the drink
just as quick as a wink ?
which will mean that you don't have to sup.
"
"acapnotics, it's time to unite
and battle for what is our right:
to breathe the fresh air,
make cigarettes rare,
and keep smokers well out of our sight.
"
"antiquate means ""make look old""
so an item's more easily sold.
it's a clever technique,
making things look antique,
so beware, as they might be fool's gold.
"
"antacids are made out of chalk,
and they help if your stomach should balk
at any suggestion
of normal digestion
(though they'll cause you to belch when you talk).
"
"absolve means to set free from blame
(or acquit, which is nearly the same)
one who's falsely accused,
or unjustly ill-used,
with no actual truth in the claim.
"
"aboard means to be on a train
or a ship, and in these days, a 'plane.
so the cry ""all aboard""
should not be ignored,
else behind's where you'll surely remain.
"
"acidic: sharp-tasting or sour;
of an acid, possessing the power
to corrode many metals
and harm flower petals,
making caustic a gentle rain shower.
"
"anarchic means out of control,
without law, and where surely the whole
of a country's behaviour
cries out for a saviour,
though few could adopt such a role.
"
"i expect, when considering art,
a painting or play from the heart.
but some modern junk
is meaningless bunk;
it's not art ? why, it's not even smart.
"
"when a door's not a door, it's bizarre
that this word means 'just open so far'.
if it's heavily slammed,
then it may well be jammed,
but it's never ajammed ? it's ajar.
"
"when things start to get in a state,
you will hope that they start to abate.
that may make them less strong
(or maybe less long)
but will always reduce them in rate.
"
"the process of americanisation
is happening to many a nation.
though in ways it's a blessing,
there's much that's distressing:
us lager's a foul aberration.
"
"add a soup?on of fresh brewers' yeast
to some water, some malt and at least
a sprinkling of hops
from fine kentish crops,
and you'll soon have a bibulous feast.
"
"if you hear a strange chime, like a gong,
in some wood where no bell should belong,
that mysterious sound
(which can echo around)
is the bell-bird's reverberant song.
"
"to my home-brew i've added some bentonite
as the party is starting at ten tonight.
if the brew doesn't clear,
then i very much fear
that we'll have to drink pub beer again tonight.
"
"abstain means avoid or eschew
enjoyable practices you
would otherwise sample
(casual sex, for example) ?
so nice but so strictly taboo.
"
"a celebrity's cheating affair
once only two people would share.
but affairs are now lectual
shenanigans sexual,
promoted in full public glare.
"
"adapter ? converting device.
it will fix up your kit in a trice!
it's a little-known quirk ?
us gadgets won't work
in europe, regardless of price.
"
"anglophiliacs share true admiration
for england, its customs and nation.
though some states reject it
we english accept it ?
we know we're the good lord's creation.
"
"ajuga ? the genus of bugle
(that's a plant, not a horn like a flugel) ?
it's eurasian, this mint,
very good if you're skint,
since this seasoning's really quite frugal.
"
"austenitic describes a strong steel,
resistant to stress and ideal
for making tough bits
for an engine that fits
in a quality automobile.
"
"the amish: an old-fashioned sect
whose followers tend to reject
most modern inventions ?
they keep the conventions
of mennonite views they respect.
"
"now akaba's jordan's south port,
a hot dusty place, so we're taught.
but as petra's red city
is near, it's a pity
to ignore this potential resort.
"
"for cadence, philology pete
spoke lines with a regular beat.
""thus hippity hop
and flippity flop
is the cadence of skippity feet"".
"
"our wordsmith, philology pete,
sold adjectives, too, for a treat.
from calm to excited
and bored to delighted,
these words help make writing complete.
"
"an interesting part of biology
is the science of growth, called auxology.
like men's muscular arms
or girls' breasts' swelling charms ?
but the bumps on one's head ? that's phrenology.
"
"when she said she was quite assentaneous,
i assumed her remark was extraneous.
but i found with delight
she was actually right ?
acquiescence was full and spontaneous.
"
"i'll explain in the simplest of ways
with an easily understood phrase
so you'll know you've been taught right.
remember, a fortnight
is fourteen consecutive days.
"
"they 'avitt too easy, t'young.
i say, life isn't meant to be fun.
we was beaten to death
and then wi'aar last breath,
'ad to lick t'road clean wi'aar tongue.
"
"my cell phone is brand-spanking-new.
there is nothing this gadget can't do:
it has thousands of apps,
3-dimensional maps,
gps and the internet too.

both its cameras record infra-red,
i can watch the tv in my bed,
but the battery's going . . .
it's no longer showing . . .
i'll write you a letter instead.
"
"""your old expergefactor has rusted;
its reveille is not to be trusted.
here's your morning earl grey.""
""what on earth did you say?""
""your alarm clock, young master, is busted.""
"
"at dead animal stuffing i'm skilled,
and i showed them the finest i'd filled.
they all cried, ""it's a fake!""
i replied, ""your mistake,
as a platypus always comes billed.""
"
"the mayans provided the clue
that the end of the world is now due.
there are websites that tell
we're all destined for hell ?
on the internet, everything's true.
"
"fly on blue air (they're based in romania),
but not to tirana, albania.
they'll get you to nice;
thessalonika, greece;
barcelona; and, yes, transylvania!
"
"every midnight she'll come to the strand,
my desquamative mermaid, as planned.
she'll remove every scale
from her long, glistening tail
and we'll stroll back to mine, hand in hand.
"
"at the oche, he's had a fast start.
now he's easing his beer-gut ? vast fart!
something's wrong ? he can't throw!
it's dartitis ? oh, no!
he just can't seem to chuck the last dart.
"
"""you've got canakin, stay in your bed.
i expect, in a week, you'll be dead.
it's an obsolete word
for the plague (so i've heard).
you can pay your bill now,"" the doc said.
"
"i derive just a scruple of pleasure
from knowing apothecaries' measure.
that three of their drams
equal twelve metric grams
is a fact i can tell at my leisure.
"
"when using the short form abt.,
make sure that it's not spelled without
its terminal dot,
because if it's not,
there'll be doubt that it does mean ""about"".
"
"if you're with a scots lass around noon
and look up and you see the full moon,
in surprise you'd say, ""love,
there's the moon up above!""
she'd say, ""nae say 'above', say 'aboon'.""
"
"ahigh means the same as aheight,
and frankly i think that we might
get rid of it too,
since it's certainly true
that its use is now woefully slight.
"
"annoy means to anger or stress
and the cause could be anyone's guess.
though our country's officials
(known just by initials)
seem to do it with major success.
"
"an airbrake's a specialist thing
that fits on an aeroplane's wing
to slow down the flow
of the air there, and so
it will touch down with scarcely a ding.
"
"a blood sport is one where there's killing,
like hunting (which some folks find chilling).
but when culling some pest,
then surely it's best
that it's done by those finding it thrilling.
"
"when you see that a barrage balloon
is climbing one bright afternoon,
it's perfectly clear
that the huns will be here
in an hour ? or certainly soon.
"
"""please stop,"" she implored her abductor,
as the stern man stood there to obstruct her.
""what's this building so thin
that i've woken up in?""
""it's a bus ? and i'm just the conductor.""
"
"now you might think that this is just bad o' me,
but for years i've been at this academy.
to study's to shirk,
so here i will lurk,
since working will make something sad o' me.
"
"a person or firm that's accountable
will agree that all things are surmountable
when righting their error,
albeit that there're
good reasons some things aren't discountable.
"
"an old car's acetylene lamp
worked well when its carbide was damp.
if by chance that got dry
with no water close by,
then the driver's ""supply"" would revamp.
"
"in england the class-system's thriving
with differing words still surviving.
so workers declare
""i'm just getting there"",
while nobs would prefer ""i'm arriving"".
"
"""can i say, for the third time of asking,
while you sit in that deckchair just basking ?
our beer's fermentation
has reached termination,
and i'd like you to help with the casking!""
"
"now pupils, please pay close att.
to this rule that i'm going to ment.
in this class we shan't shorten
simple words you get caught on ?
and i'll not stand for any dissent.
"
"of a building, it's ""lean on"" or ""touch""
with projection, or point, or some such.
and though borders may shut,
many countries abut ?
such as those of the belgians and dutch.
"
"an acrodont lizard has teeth
with nary a socket beneath.
its dentition's life-long,
and amazingly strong,
since its teeth have no delicate sheath.
"
"affeer means reduce or assess,
making arbitrary penalties less,
so the final account
is a fairer amount,
which will clearly reduce the distress.
"
"the science entitled aerology
is easier thanks to technology.
its sphere, so i hear,
is the whole atmosphere ?
it's more than just meteorology.
"
"we anglophiles will, by default,
praise the english ? their works we'll exalt.
though foreigners appear
to us english quite queer,
we know it's not really their fault.
"
"the sound of the canterbury bell
isn't bell-like because, truth to tell,
it's a plant with blue flowers
and you'd listen for hours ?
and all that you'd hear is its smell.
"
"if you've heard of philology pete
and those things he does, out on the street...
that rhetorical pause
is the drop-the-main-clause
anapodoton's lexical feat.
"
"some people of prominent birth
or of longstanding status and worth
are known as blue-blooded
(with honours they're flooded),
but as we do they end in the earth.
"
"an airbrake's a very strong brake
where air is compressed and will make
trucks' braking much slicker,
which means they'll stop quicker
with less chance of any mistake.
"
" capitulate, in a campaign,
means ""surrender"" ? whatever the pain.
so it's strange the formation
recapitulation
means no more than ""doing again"".
"
"a word or a phrase that's amendatory
is added in some ways compensatory
to put right a wrong,
in a rhyme or a song,
deflecting critique that's condemnatory.
"
"absolvitory labels the act
of granting forgiveness. in fact,
sinners gain absolution
from a priest ? retribution
is something he'll never exact.
"
"though suppressing the appetite, meth
in excess leads to shortage of breath.
this resultant hypoxia
can lead to anoxia,
and finally even to death.
"
"i wanted to show off my beau,
but i hadn't the money to geau
to a fancy caf?
or a downtown soiree ?
so we went to a cinema sheau.
"
"in hospitals illness is spread
by divers ways, bed unto bed.
if it moves on bacterially,
it will clearly materially
increase all the residents' dread.
"
"the alpenhorn's sound in the morn
is haunting and low and forlorn.
with its song so expressive
and its length so impressive,
it's the toast of the whole matterhorn.
"
"american, british, australian,
canadian too (but no alien).
abca as a group ?
though an alphabet soup ?
the alternative's sesquipedalian.
"
"albania, land of the eagles
(a quite different place from meg beagle's).
on the blue adriatic
it's undemocratic,
since beards make their owners illegals.
"
"when ageing, a man calmly faces
the fact he'll no longer win races.
but the bitterest pill
is he finds that he still
gets stiff ? but in all the wrong places!
"
"aeolic's the language they speak
(or spoke, since it's now ancient greek).
though once used by many,
you'll not now find any
in aeolis, wherever you seek.
"
"""spare some change?"" said the tramp, avariciously,
as i looked at his fine clothes suspiciously.
""i don't think you're needy ?
you're plainly just greedy!""
i said, then i left expeditiously.
"
"i firmly believed every word
of the story whose truth you averred,
since this verb means ""declare""
(or to ""solemnly swear"")
that you'd told me what really occurred.
"
"when writing, philology pete
finds anapaest feet rather neat.
one syllable's stressed
(a long one is best)
which follows two short ones that greet.
"
"beware if you visit a beanery ?
it's not a lush place full of greenery.
it's a place where you eat
on your feet, not a seat ?
and the diners fill in for the scenery.
"
"that slang british term ""a young bint""
is one you see rarely in print.
such girls will be plain
or maybe mundane ?
the kind you take out if you're skint.
"
"so raise up your glasses and cheer
for the wonderful drink that is beer.
just ignore wine's false voice ?
beer's the real people's choice
and it's beer that we all should revere.
"
"coloured white through to black as your hat.
from fizzy, through sparkling, to flat.
drunk ice-cold to hot,
there's a beer for each slot ?
now where's there a wine range like that?
"
"the gall-bladder juice known as bile
will help digest fats (and tastes vile).
but, said the old grecians,
these liver secretions
control people's anger. don't smile!
"
"a person who's aka
is a person who certainly has
alternative names
from those he proclaims
which he'll hide or else use with pizzazz.
"
"""if i said that i hadn't a clue,
then watson, just what would you do?""
""well holmes, i confess,
i would probably guess!""
""which is why, watson, i am not you.""
"
"in charge of your automobile,
you were high once and proud at the wheel,
an automobilist!
and i'm sad, though a realist,
for driver has lower appeal.
"
"the brain is a thing quite unique;
it's at work when we squeak our first squeak ?
through good and through ill
working perfectly 'til
the moment we stand up to speak.
"
"in england the law makes it clear:
a pint is a full pint of beer.
the glass must be brimmed,
though the lights might be dimmed,
and if not ? well the fines are severe.
"
"a bedlington's kind of a terrier;
it's a dog that will make you feel merrier.
since it's groomed like a lamb
it looks funny and sham ?
i think it should really be scarier.
"
"""put brightness in all that you write,""
said pete, ""for your words to excite.
though the topic be serious,
arcane or mysterious,
writing that shine's a delight.""
"
"james stuart was called ""old pretender"" ?
for our throne he was once a contender.
though it came not to pass,
still the strange amen glass
recalls his eventual surrender.
"
"caprice is a whimsical change
of mind or behavioural range.
men make such a fuss
that women are thus ?
but chaps, you know women are strange.
"
"the system of ackerman steering
is one where the steering rods' gearing
makes the inside front wheel
of an automobile
veer more than the outer wheel's veering.
"
"in our college (and also without)
there are rules that the students may flout.
when this gets endemic,
our fine academic
administrator sorts it all out.
"
"when pete says his list's alphabetical,
be aware this is not theoretical.
once the first letter's sorted,
by the next it's supported ?
or it's lexically rather heretical.
"
"a cell plate's that part of a cell
of a plant that's dividing quite well.
it's the phragmoplast disc
that stops any risk
that the cell will release all its gel.
"
"a block plane's a carpenter's tool
that he'll use to smooth off, as a rule,
that tricky end grain
that an ordinary plane
might rip (and he'd look like a fool).
"
"behaviours we call abnormalities
are those which will break the formalities
we think of as normal,
established or formal ?
extremes of diverse personalities.
"
"if a scots lass should say to you, ""aye,""
then guys, you'll be fine, by and by.
though you might never guess,
it's the scottish for ""yes""
(so rarely a lady's reply!).
"
"when britain, in  balfour's declaration,
supported a new jewish nation,
it all seemed fine then,
but hopes were dashed when
it led to long-term aggravation.
"
"a country whose culture's anomic
is one that is quite tragicomic.
this social unrest
can lead, i suggest,
to failures of things economic.
"
"our dean was a true acad.
who hugely enjoyed a pol.
but a student then started
who was not so lighthearted ?
and the rows soon became epid.
"
"akeridae ? small bubble shells
where the snail or its family dwells.
these quaint gastropods
must feel much like gods,
quite safe in their tough armoured cells.
"
"heloise's and abelard's passion
was not a 12th century fashion.
uncle's fury was great
at the girl's pregnant state,
so he cut off their amorous ration.
"
"the electrical cadmium cell
uses nickel and alkaline gel ?
made by jungner the swede
when he foresaw the need
for a cell that would recharge as well.
"
"a knight, when he's seeking the grail,
wears an acton beneath his chain mail.
some folks write it aketon
and when it is stacked on
the knight, he will surely prevail.
"
"an electrical charge in a cell,
created when one's muscles swell,
is called  action current
(though its voltages aren't
so high that they make people yell).
"
"take some paper which then you must treat,
silver iodide soaking each sheet.
expose it just right
and you're painting with light ?
this calotype's quite a neat feat.
"
"a brainstormer works in a troop
of thinkers ? a brainstorming group.
they're trying to find,
by the use of group mind,
some startling new concept or scoop.
"
"the process of anglicization:
""making english"" a people or nation.
in victoria's days
they found numerous ways
to make such a grand transformation.
"
"the system that's called avionics
relates to a plane's electronics.
though they seldom are seen,
any failure could mean
a glimpse of the crew's histrionics.
"
"the work of a biostatistician
i thought was my real life ambition.
but these vital statistics
aren't characteristics ?
of girls ? so i'll be a musician.
"
"when a broadcast wave varies in size
by a change in the height of its rise,
this strength variation
is amplitude modulation,
though such broadcasts are facing demise.
"
"""are your aims truly honest?"" she said
as i sat down alongside her bed.
""my aim is quite certain ?
so i'll just close this curtain,
then our aims will be mutual instead.""
"
"i once knew a man whose caresses
could charm all the girls from their dresses.
they'd start with them on,
but they'd quickly be gone ?
how i envied that man his successes.
"
"""a cavil,"" said pete, ""is evasion.
avoid it on every occasion.
just try to relax,
and know all your facts,
so then you'll convince by persuasion.""
"
"candid's a word that means ""frank"" ?
giving facts, not just leaving a blank.
but you surely can bet
some facts make you sweat ?
especially those from your bank.
"
"now camra's the campaign for ale ?
real beer that's not fizzy and pale.
and here in uk
i drink pints every day ?
that's why i'm so hearty and hale.
"
"sell faster, philology pete!
such adverbs perform quite a feat.
their simple addition
will change verbs' condition ?
you'll agree that is really quite neat.
"
"""to capitalize each word you write,""
said pete, ""is a terrible sight.
a capital's smart
at a sentence's start,
and for names, well, it's only polite.""
"
"affluence: plenty of wealth
made in public (or even by stealth).
but wealth's acquisition
through driving ambition
is not always good for the health.
"
"a function or thing that is oral
relates to the mouth (unlike aural,
which means ""of the ear"",
or of something you hear),
but far from the mouth ? that's aboral.
"
"a wordsmith, philology pete
sold articles out on the street.
in poems or prose,
a's, an's, the's and those ?
he's a lexicographical treat.
"
"an aleconner ? super employment!
i'd do it for simple enjoyment.
testing beer in the pubs
and the various clubs ?
i think i'll request redeployment.
"
"ante-post is a kind of a bet
on a horse race before they're all set.
but i think i can say,
even betting this way,
the odds are you'll end up in debt.
"
"now, apodal means ""with no feet"",
of an animal thus incomplete,
like a snake or a skink,
and sometimes, i think,
those fools who stand still in the street!
"
"aroma ? a fragrance that's pleasing
with subtlety gentle and teasing.
but if it's too strong,
before very long,
you'll end up both wheezing and sneezing.
"
"a beacon's a basket of fire
on a mast or a building, or higher.
such a glamorous way
to send news of the day ?
forget bell and his ""words down a wire""!
"
"alarm ? apprehension or fear
at some danger or daunting idea,
such as eating strange food ?
like an octopus (stewed) ?
or drinking cold chemical beer.
"
"the obsolete title abada:
big game far too large for a larder.
it's strange this old name
has fallen from fame ?
rhinoceros surely is harder.
"
"""be brief,"" said philology pete,
""your words just enough to complete
your thought or idea;
less is often more clear ?
since brevity makes writing neat.""
"
"""an accent's a lexical sign,""
said pete, ""and its use is quite fine
in words like soir?e,
where it helps to convey
where the stress will fall best in the line.""
"
"chain tongs: a strong wrench that will clench
and turn pipes (on the site or the bench).
an adjustable chain
grips the pipe and again
goes back to the head of the wrench.
"
"""antithesis, used once or twice,""
said pete, ""is a clever device.
'more hasty, less speedy';
'more wanting, less needy' ?
over-used, though, it gets under-nice.""
"
"a cabby's a new york chauffeur
whose knowledge is often a blur.
""st regis hotel?
where's that, mac? oh hell ?
just purchase a map, won't you, 'sir'?""
"
"""an  asterisk's used if there's fear
that a word's b****y rude ? just like here,""
said philology pete,
""so your writing stays neat
and remains inoffensively clear.""
"
"""apostrophe? lexical sign,""
said pete, ""and it's also a fine
address or oration
that asks for salvation,
such as: 'freedom! why can't you be mine?'""
"
"carousing means ""having much fun"",
say, drinking till night-time is done.
but make sure you eschew
that dudweiser brew
or you'll wish that you'd never begun!
"
"""adv.,"" said philology pete,
""stands for adverb when this word's complete.
it can make a verb stronger,
or weaker or longer ?
which all helps make writing a treat.""
"
"codswallop's a kind of a drink
but a foul one, most beer drinkers think.
though codd's famous stopper
could keep its fizz proper,
it's a drink that they'd pour down the sink.
"
"the gaseous element argon
(ar is its chemical jargon)
would seem not to hurt
since it's wholly inert,
but don't breathe it alone or you're far gone.
"
"""will you please carry on, as you're doing?""
said the boss, their work output reviewing.
but the couple got skittish
since they were both british ?
and the term there means, shall we say, 'wooing'?
"
"when hard disc replaced the old floppy
and emails meant writing got sloppy,
from each user's pc
most emails were cc
though few knew that meant ""carbon copy"".
"
"most fellows believe that sweet candy
for treating the girls is quite handy.
but to make them flirtatious
it's less ostentatious
and quicker to ply them with brandy.
"
"""caramba!"" yelled mexican pete,
as he galloped away down the street.
it was rather a shame
that his horse wasn't game ?
so he galloped on just his two feet.
"
"agitate: shake, shift or stir,
and when apathy's threatening, spur;
seek political action;
annoy, cause distraction;
or advocate, as you prefer.
"
"if you're riding a fast carousel
and feel you're in circular hell,
you surely can guess,
from the middle east mess,
that president bush does as well.
"
"an amulet: small lucky charm
that you wear round your neck (or your arm).
though i doubt that it could
do a whole lot of good,
i doubt too it could do any harm.
"
"abcoulomb: an electrical charge
(ten coulombs and therefore not large)
which, in copper voltameters,
moves tiny diameters
of copper (you won't need a barge).
"
"true amateurs, often decried,
should take all such slurs in their stride,
since working for love
must come well above
their working while ungratified.
"
"a clapboard's a long piece of wood
with a thin edge, which means that it should
let sidings all lap,
without any gap,
and a wall made of these will look good.
"
"if you told me you need a beautician,
i would look, i confess, with suspicion
at your comfortable girth
and would speak of the worth
of consulting a good dietician.
"
"speak chaga to order a beer
from a bantu in north tanzania.
it's kichaga (or chaga)
that's used to buy lager:
that's the language they speak around here.
"
"""a comma,"" said pete, ""shows a pause
to set off a phrase or a clause.
but it's often abused
since folks are confused
and use it although there's no cause.""
"
"anchovies: herring-like fish
which add flavour to many a dish.
in worcestershire sauce
they are also, of course,
the secret that makes that so swish.
"
"""if you leave out the normal conjunctions,""
said pete, ""then your sentence still functions.
it's asyndeton's aim
in this lexical game,
as in: 'railway tracks, meeting points, junctions'.""
"
"make an alloy with copper and tin,
antimony too and cast thin.
such bearings of babbitt
metal inhabit
the rod of a triumph speed twin.
"
"""a colon,"" said pete, ""is a sign
that calls for a halt in a line:
two dots that assist
to show that a list
will follow to prove or define.""
"
"the nervous condition chorea
has symptoms that may appear queer:
spasmodical twitches
that look like mad itches ?
but really there's nothing to fear.
"
"""now be fair,"" said the young autoworker,
""it's not true that i'm simply a lurker.
i'm prepared to avow
i'm not building cars now,
but i'm checking that no-one's a shirker.""
"
"if you lie 'neath the calabash tree,
then hear this advice please, from me.
if your head is towards
its trunk, then its gourds
will hit it. not nice, you'll agree.
"
"it's from china, the cinnamon vine;
sweet-smelling, its leaves intertwine.
it's naturalised now
in the states and that's how
it can make all back yards look divine.
"
"a thing that's perceived auditorily,
with attention or just desultorily,
is anything heard
from a work to a word ?
or a sermon that warns purgatorily.
"
"he thought that his words were acidic
when he lectured in south chappaquiddick;
so right for that hour,
being fresh, sharp and sour,
but in truth they were dull ? just bromidic.
"
"""let's deal with the matters arising,""
said the chair, ""and i find it surprising
that the notes that i wrote
were so far remote
that they needed substantial revising.""
"
"for indians appam's a sweet
that most devout hindus will eat
with joy and with gaiety
on the birth of their deity ?
a holy consumable treat.
"
"a woman who's called a coquette
exudes sexual promise, and yet
despite her sweet smiles,
and her feminine wiles,
she gives only for what she can get.
"
"the act of incessant complaining,
that it's cold, or it's hot, or it's raining ?
continual harping
on details is carping.
such moaning is not entertaining.
"
"my request for adoption assistance 
from my boss had encountered resistance.
""it ought to be stopped,
this help to adopt,""
said that skinflint, who loathed its existence.
"
"balbuties: the defect of stammering
when all your words seem to be clamouring
for proper creation
and vocal formation,
while your tonsils are taking a hammering.
"
"beer keg: a container for beer,
and let me make one thing quite clear.
a keg's not the same
as a barrel. that name
means a size ? 30 gallons or near.
"
"charles darwin worked out a solution
to life and proposed ""evolution"".
""rejecting creation
leads not to damnation,""
said darwin, ""that's my resolution.""
"
"this instrument's called a cyclometer
(on foot we would call it pedometer).
by its count of each turn
of your bike-wheel you'll learn
your progress by mile or kilometre.
"
"""you ought to keep nouns in their place,""
said pete, ""when they're dative in case.
since they're all indirect,
your phrase will be wrecked,
if they block the direct object's space.""
"
"the eye's outer coat, the cornea,
is shiny and ought to be clear,
though it can get opaque;
and then it might make
one's eyesight, quite soon, disappear.
"
"those seeking the best bottled beer
will bottle-conditioned revere,
for the brew will ferment,
gaining sparkle and scent,
in the bottle for up to a year.
"
"czechoslovak must now be dismissed
though it's here in the ""words lacking"" list.
the slovaks and czechs
as one country are ""ex"":
czech and slovak republics exist.
"
"the very best beer's cask-conditioned
and the cask full of beer is positioned
in a cellar or basement
and in this emplacement
the beer will mature till commissioned.
"
"in traditional pubs the real beer
is stored in those casks we revere.
and the barrelage count
is the actual amount
of beer that is sold. is that clear?
"
"when you speak of a steam-engine's chuff,
that's its sound ? it's a kind of loud puff.
as it goes through a tunnel,
that sound from its funnel
is music to every steam buff!
"
"the apostrophe's used in omission
when it shows the omission's position.
and it marks a possessive,
though its use is excessive
by writers who trust intuition.
"
"""a canard is simply a lie,""
said pete, ""and i certainly try
to not be a liar ?
i'm a wordsmith for hire
and it's truthfulness customers buy.""
"
"when animals snuggle or cuddle
this means that they're in a warm huddle.
maybe pigs wrapped in straw
or, after a thaw,
some densely packed ducks in a puddle.
"
"if you're chapeless you're missing a chape,
that's a plate, or a tip, of a shape
to make sure your scabbard,
and the belt of your tabard,
from wear and from damage escape.
"
"when you wake and you hear the dawn chorus,
of the birds' philharmonic thesaurus,
it's quite lovely and yet,
you should never forget,
their singing's despite us, not for us.
"
"when photons are scattered by matter
their wavelength goes up as they scatter.
that's called compton scattering
and while not earth-shattering,
it's a nice bit of scientist patter.
"
"when mole first discovered his neighbour
it wasn't a rat, but a craber,
that's a kind of a vole,
and it lived in a hole,
in the river-bank where they now labour.
"
"when cockneys say ""cobblers"" to you,
it's nothing to do with a shoe.
short for cobblers' awls
(rhyming slang meaning ""b*lls""),
it's an insult, you'll surely construe.
"
"the caique's crews were often defeated
in cold climates by pirates who cheated.
by making crews heat them
they'd surely defeat them ?
you can't have your caique and then heat it.
"
"he claimed to have bought a dalmatian ?
a serf from an old balkan nation?
no, he hadn't the knavery
for practising slavery ?
it's a dog he acquired on vacation.
"
"""closed couplet: a kind of a rhyme,""
said pete, ""that's complete at that time.
(for a short two-line sample,
this pair's an example.)
such couplets are sometimes sublime.""
"
"if you're seeking a cypriot pound,
they're no longer, i fear, to be found.
in two thousand and eight
this currency's fate
was sealed, when the euro came round.
"
"a charact's a letter or sign.
it's a word that's gone into decline.
so character's better
to name such a letter ?
except in old writing like thine.
"
"what's clayware? ceramics from clay,
kept hot in a kiln for a day ?
or sometimes for longer,
to make the things stronger
so they last well and do not decay.
"
"the process of aurification:
gold-working or else gold-creation.
i think in this matter
i'd try for the latter:
creation must beat transformation.
"
"in england it's called the dakota,
that 'plane with the double wasp motor.
it's the old dc3,
a bird we'll agree
that gave rather more than its quota.
"
"at a literary luncheon in zante
alighieri sat next to his aunty.
her rumblings internal
were clearly infernal
and inspired a great poem from dante.
"
"if you see a pool called crater lake
it was formed in a mighty blast's wake.
over many an era
that volcano's caldera
filled with water this feature to make.
"
"the condition that's called baraesthesia,
as a sense, could quite possibly please ya,
since it means you could measure
directly the pressure
of bubbles in milk of magnesia.
"
"though the best beers all come from a cask,
what if casks are too big, you might ask?
well then i suggest
that a beer bottle's best.
eschew cans ? they're not up to the task.
"
"a coachbuilder: once the first choice
for the bodies of cars (like rolls-royce).
though coachbuilding's rare
these days, don't despair,
it's available still (let's rejoice!).
"
"the clever cylindrical lens
is one whose refracted light bends
to form a straight line,
and thus is quite fine
to cure astigmatic sight trends.
"
"old vehicles used the cone clutch;
it was felt its construction was such
that its conical grip
would help avoid slip ?
and it did ? though it didn't help much.
"
"a daub is just art that's not smart:
nonsensical junk with no heart.
but this never applies
to a new ""turner prize""
since the rubbish seen there is ""great art"".
"
"if i told you you had a sweet crinion
you could rightfully doubt my opinion,
since the point where your hair
meets your forehead, it's fair
to suggest, is your private dominion.
"
"at the start of the new railway age
most lines used the four-foot-eight gauge.
could the wide seven feet
of the broad gauge compete?
sadly not ? to brunel's baffled rage.
"
"the clever small cylinder lock
will foil, or effectively block,
most burglars' attentions
(though slim its dimensions)
by the way that its tumblers will dock.
"
"a silly young lady called sara
quite absently licked her mascara.
though time has gone on,
she's still in the john ?
she'd actually picked up cascara.
"
"an aecium's the spore-bearing fruit
(somewhat chainlike or stalked on its shoot)
of the fungus called rust.
and stand up it must,
for in truth it is rather minute.
"
"cutchery: a savoury dish
made from spices, boiled rice, eggs and fish.
though the spices are hot,
the fish, that is not ?
though the whole is served hot if you wish.
"
"a brake disc's a disc on a wheel
of a bike or an automobile,
which the brake pads will grip,
controlling its slip,
and should slow it down with no squeal.
"
"crinigerous: with hair; being hairy.
a circumstance some might find scary.
but a man who's hirsute
might not be a brute
but simply a little contrary.
"
"""the dative case i have oft striven
to explain,"" said pete, ""now i am driven
to say it's not one
to which something is done,
but one to which something is given.""
"
"cuneal: shaped like a wedge,
which basically means that one edge
is rather more thick
than the other, which trick
will help secure things on a ledge.
"
"""comprehensibility's right"",
said pete, ""when you write to delight.
a long complex clause
will make readers pause
or even stop reading in fright"".
"
"if you're travelling round bangladesh
and you suffer the calls of the flesh,
in the capital, dacca,
you might meet a cracker
and your flesh she will surely refresh!
"
"a camera's cable release
(a very significant piece)
helps stop the vibrations,
in lengthy creations,
when shutter times need to increase.
"
"not finding the words to profess
the meaning he needs to impress,
the chirologist will
use hand signs with skill,
conveying what words can't express.
"
"chromium's a hard, brittle metal
that glistens like rain on a petal.
bright chromium plate
on an auto looks great
and for years will remain in fine fettle.
"
"an item referred to as crural
(or items ? they're possibly plural)
is something that's in
the thighs or the shin,
such as mishaps or maladies neural.
"
"if you feel that you have to abbrev.
make sure that you don't ever dev.
from grammatical rules
that they teach at good schools,
or your problems you'll never allev.
"
"the clitoris: part of small measure,
that ladies can use for their pleasure.
of organs, the one
used only for fun ?
it's a wonderful feminine treasure.
"
"a lens with chromatic aberrations
gives problems in some situations.
its image's fringes
have strange coloured tinges,
which causes bizarre complications.
"
"my old long-case clock tells the time
with its hands and the sound of its chime.
but at night, i confess,
i like its sound less ?
i just wish it could chime out in mime.
"
"if you float down the cimarron river
through new mexico, nostrils aquiver,
you'll reach oklahoma
then smell the aroma
of arkansas (where it's no sliver).
"
"the natural gas co2
is formed  when a beer's in the brew.
but industrial gas
will never, alas,
make a beer that keen drinkers pursue.
"
"the process of carbonisation:
transforming by strong distillation
carboniferous coal
(for example); the goal
is that carbon's its final formation.
"
"a classical-singing mulatto
asked a surgeon to help his vibrato.
it's a shame the physician
was out of position ?
thereafter he sung as castrato.
"
"an actor who's oft centre stage,
which is much the best spot to engage
the punters' attention,
will also, i'd mention,
most likely command the best wage.
"
"abulic means ""lacking in will"",
an affliction that sadly is still
a most common trait
in those folks who hate
to put in more effort than nil.
"
"a person who's said to be active
is different from one who's inactive:
this latter will shirk
any effort or work,
an attitude most unattractive.
"
"""composing sticks these days are rare,""
said pete, ""and i think that it's fair
to say that my printing
now owes more to glinting
computers than typesetters' care.""
"
"if you find yourself lost in peru
and you need a good guide to get through,
local tribes (aymara)
will take you quite far
(if they've nothing else better to do).
"
"i'm told that  bipolarization
is a term for the manifestation
of separate poles ?
like his and her roles ?
or the old and the young generation.
"
"an aerial's a dish or a wire
that tvs and radios require.
this simple appliance,
with hertzian science,
gets waves from a distant supplier.
"
"philology pete's true obsession
is word's, not narcotic possession!
this apostrophised ""plural""
disordered his neural
synapses and caused his transgression.
"
"if instructions declare ""here aff."",
that's the place where some loose item sticks.
since affix means ""secure"",
then its bond should endure,
as firmly as mortar and bricks.
"
"""containing the grouping n3""
defines azido, pundits agree.
this meaning seems fine
to one in that line ?
but it surely means nothing to me!
"
"""i'll lose,"" said the man, apologetically,
""one leg has been twitching frenetically.
my 'st vitus dance' state
means i can't now run straight,
as my legs only move asymmetrically.""
"
"a camwheel's a wheel with a hump
that makes something move with its thump.
this quite simple notion
gives to-and-fro motion
to valve-gear or maybe a pump.
"
"a study that might just be missed,
of creatures that do not exist,
is cryptozoological
(the name's not illogical,
but can tie your poor tongue in a twist).
"
"armadillos are tough little creatures:
heavy armor is one of their features.
their breath they can hold
underwater, we're told,
""and don't eat them raw,"" say our teachers!
"
"cold-welding's a system of welding
that uses no heat in its melding
of metals. just pressure
is used, keeping fresher
the joint (plus it saves on the elding).
"
"a graph like a wide cup and handle
shows a chance for a stock market vandal.
when a share price's trough
has recovered enough
then he'll sell ? just in time ? what a scandal!
"
"cienfuegos: a city in cuba,
where visitors often use scuba
in that city's fair bay
to see what they may ?
though there's more shipping wrecks in aruba.
"
"desalinise means remove salt,
from something where salt is a fault.
for instance, you oughta
take salt out of water
and surely from beermakers' malt!
"
"some folks might think cranberry glass
is for fruit of the cranberry class.
but it's glass of deep red,
with a gold sheen, and said
to be sought by the english top brass.
"
"have you heard about gentleman jim?
he too has stopped seeing cool kim.
their combative issue
was lymphatic tissue ?
her adenoids 'ad annoyed him.
"
"a person who cheers is a cheerer
and i can, if you like, make this clearer:
it might be some fan,
who shouts when he can,
to boost his team's worth to a hearer.
"
"you sometimes might query why nat.
should want to employ abbr.
when you learn the term no.
in fact just means ""number"",
you wonder at certain creat.
"
"to diphthongise means to exchange
a vowel sound for one with a range
of sounds that are slurred,
so a new sound is heard,
which differs but does not sound strange.
"
"in avoirdupois weight, one dram
is a dose of just more than a gram.
the apothecaries' measure
would give far more pleasure
since it's three times as large (thank you ma'am).
"
"there are several good reasons for drinking
and one of the best, i am thinking,
is to go right ahead
when you think you're half dead;
chuck another one down and stay stinking.
"
"a decreer is one who decrees;
a person with such expertise
can pronounce formal orders
that bind within borders
(and also may bind overseas).
"
"a blast lamp is one whose small light
is helped by a blast to burn bright.
this strong gust of air
means there's more light to spare
to engender more daytime from night.
"
"chemical rays: beams of light
at the end of the spectrum which might,
on a plate photographic,
cause chemical traffic,
making silver from salts they excite.
"
"use drop caps, a layout device,
and you'll make printed pages look nice.
the first letter's form
exceeds what's the norm
and is dropped ? down three lines will suffice.
"
"if your clothes you decide to dry-clean,
it's not washing with water you mean.
the fluid they use
you would surely not choose
to drink, or to use in cuisine.
"
"detrition: abrasion by friction
of, say, rocks in a river's restriction.
so that very large blocks
will become smaller rocks,
then sand ? well that's my firm prediction.
"
"dry cell: an electric device
that gives out its amps in a trice.
and it's sealed up as well
(unlike a wet cell)
so for moving around it's quite nice.
"
"if i  told you your jewellery hung clatteringly
i'd not be describing it flatteringly.
i'd mean that i found
that its rattling sound
affected my hearing quite shatteringly.
"
"a button hook's used when you need
to pull buttons through holes with some speed.
you could do it without
such a hook, but no doubt
this gadget will help you succeed.
"
"a person who's speaking digressively
will deviate somewhat excessively
from the subject or thread
being written or said,
a habit that some have impressively.
"
"""they went that-a-way!"" pepe told pete.
and pete growled as they rolled down the street.
""it's not just their loss
that is making me cross ?
it's your vile anaptyctic deceit.""
"
"deplorement? it means ""deploration"" ?
that's ""deploring"" or just ""lamentation"",
though i find it quite strange
that there's such a huge range
of words with this same application.
"
"to calcinate means ""to calcine"",
making calx, which i'll quickly define:
it's a mineral's ash.
you could keep quite a stash,
since it's powder that's reasonably fine.
"
"all intercourse etymological,
even complex or only part logical,
if its lingual demands
call for fingers and hands,
would be called (watch my words) chirological.
"
"""i fear you're behaving audaciously,""
said her boss, as she walked by curvaceously.
""your display of a curve
will not, i fear, serve,
for here you must work more sagaciously.""
"
"the bullnose: an old british car
made by morris. it looked quite bizarre.
a round brassy rad
like a bull's nose it had ?
but a fine car to drive near or far.
"
"we are a consumer society.
in our stores there is massive variety.
we incessantly buy,
without thinking why,
and rarely have qualms or anxiety.
"
"a dockyard is where they build ships
or repair them whilst up on the slips.
there was once nothing finer
than a great ocean liner,
but since aircraft they've been in eclipse.
"
"the process of dry distillation
is one that will cause the formation
of vapours and gases,
and similar classes,
without any need for hydration.
"
"in england each old drystone wall
is made with no mortar at all.
they're found in the north
and they wend back and forth
to mark out the fields, large and small.
"
"a dredger's a kind of a boat
that cleans up a harbour or moat
by scooping up mud,
and similar crud,
from the bottom so vessels can float.
"
"the removal of links in that chain
which makers and buyers maintain
is disintermediation,
now a growing temptation
to save money, or profits sustain.
"
"the blooms of the plant coronilla?
are they purple or pink? that's the killer.
in fact, my good fellow,
they're pink, purple or yellow
and wonderful plants for your villa.
"
"the droit du seigneur is the right
of a lord, on a serf's wedding night,
to carnally ride
his vassal's new bride
do you think this is really polite?
"
"a dry pint's a small us measure
that would, i believe, give no pleasure
to drinkers of beer
since this unit is here
used for dry goods (though sadly not treasure).
"
"this shrub, with its pink to white flowers,
thrives nicely in cornwall's soft showers.
it's called cornish heath
and it grows wild beneath
those clear cornish heavens of ours.
"
"if i told you i wanted dimission
i'd mean that i had an ambition
to go or depart,
but i know i can't start,
whilst lacking your leave and cognition.
"
"the acceptance sue got from her banker
was not that for which she did hanker.
the bank draft received?
not a ring?left her peeved:
a happenstance causing much rancour.
"
"as we know, there's a tight credit squeeze.
and you can't borrow money with ease.
what you can't yet afford
may yet come, as reward,
so save till there's bargains to seize.
"
"a cornicle's just a small horn.
not the kind that you play, these adorn
an aphid's rear end
from which it can send
wax fluids, which enemies warn.
"
"the lord of the manor might hand
a copyhold parcel of land
to a poor english peasant ?
a middle age present
for work carried out to command.
"
"when you speak of a feast of clerk ale
it isn't just beer in the pail.
it's a meal for the parish
clerk (one not too garish);
a pleasure that never will fail.
"
"the dogma of anti-integration ?
barring immigrant nationalisation ?
is thinking askew,
since it's frequently true
that new blood's a nation's salvation.
"
"the dicotyledonous plants
(an important genetic advance)
are composite plants
whose florets take stance
in a mass that seems one at a glance.
"
"a man who is feeling some cloyment
has satiety due to enjoyment
of good food and wine
and beers full and fine ?
his belly now craves unemployment!
"
"""concision in writing is best,""
said pete, ""as assessed by this test:
does your writing convey,
in a clear and terse way,
its meaning ? without seeming stressed?""
"
"if you've put your good health at some risk
by consuming a poisonous bisque,
don't get all hysterical,
an alexiterical
will soon have you frisky and brisk.
"
"if you're sailing the east china sea,
it's off mainland china you'll be.
and the yangtse's wide mouth
on that coast (slightly south)
deposits there mud and debris.
"
"an educt is something educed:
inferred or in some way deduced.
it can also mean matter
extracted, like attar,
an oil  from rose petals reduced.
"
"that quaint little place on the am
known as ambridge is sadly a sham.
despite folks' addiction,
the archers are fiction,
as false as the great derby ram.
"
"if you're wanting some thing to embace,
debasement you must now embrace,
or in some way reduce
the position or use
of that thing from its previous place.
"
"i'm hoping that someone can tell me:
why ever exists this word elmy
for ""arboreal realms
all covered in elms"".
is there also a word meaning ""fell me""?
"
"beer's a fine drink made from grain ?
and barley's the best in the main.
there are those who claim wine
is a drink just as fine ?
but they're wrong, and just let me explain.
"
"if you can, line your borders with hedging
(so good for the birds when they're fledging).
but if you've no space,
keep your soil in its place
by using a strong piece of edging.
"
"i have drunk, i confess, eau de vie,
but i fear that this drink's not for me.
for this rough-tasting brandy
might make me feel randy,
which i shouldn't, at my age, still be.
"
"a rooster's a yank's name for cock;
he's the chicken who's head of the flock.
if you think cock's a curse word,
consider the worse word
i call them around 5 o'clock.
"
"""for depression, dhea's here,""
this hormone's enthusiasts cheer.
""it's a fountain of youth!""
are they telling the truth?
that's a claim that's unproven, i fear.
"
"the communists' creed (or their polity)
would give people lives of equality,
so they said, but that's not
what most communists got ?
a matter of little frivolity.
"
"eirenic means ""favouring peace""
or ""helping to make strife decrease"".
it's about moderation
or pacification ?
a function, one hopes, of police.
"
"if a knight stands erect in a field
demanding his quarry should yield,
his eschutcheon, wings high,
is a bird, soon to fly ?
that's an essorant charge on his shield.
"
"you could say that its lifestyle is calm,
this tree called corozo, a palm.
it's resistant to fire,
doesn't burn, just grows higher,
and its oil may be used as a balm.
"
"waste steam from an engine's exhaust
works hard to make sure air is forced
through the furnace's fire
making sure it burns higher ?
from  blast pipes efficiency's sourced.
"
"an exportable item is one
which for business (or even for fun)
you could send overseas,
to wherever you please,
by the ounce or perhaps by the ton.
"
"in a windmill the brake wheel's a gear
on the windshaft whose function is clear:
it makes the translation
to millstone rotation
where grinding makes flour appear.
"
"a corder's a kind of machine;
making cords is its daily routine.
from fabrics synthetic
or not, its kinetic
manoeuvres will make cords pristine.
"
"a crampit's a bar in a wall
that ensures that the wall doesn't fall.
it's a kind of iron spike ?
a nail, if you like ?
found in sizes from large to quite small.
"
"an effecter creates an effect,
a result one can see or detect.
and if the intent's
to create good events
then that person has earned our respect.
"
"a butter churn's used to turn cream
into succulent butter supreme.
when the buttermilk drains,
only butter remains
in this gadget, which works like a dream.
"
"a clubbist is one who frequents
clubs suiting his own special bents.
there he'll find in good measure
those sharing his pleasure,
be that modest, just fair, or intense.
"
"though old things are often collectible
and many are really delectable,
they don't all excel
or even work well ?
indeed we could call them defectible.
"
"if you spoke of your recent demission
i'd know that you'd lost your position.
since this means resignation,
you gave up your station
of your own independent volition.
"
"now abta's a travel trade body
renowned from penzance to kirkaldy.
its good regulations
save britons' vacations
from shysters who sell something shoddy.
"
"if in georgia you happen to see
a plant with large leaves hanging free
and with bark of bright green,
well, you've probably seen
a young chinese parasol tree.
"
"condensative: can be condensed;
used of vapours that, coming against
a surface that's cool ?
say, some ice in a pool ?
become liquids ? quite common events.
"
"a corn dab's a small oval cake,
made of corn bread, that people will bake
in the usa's south,
where it helps fill the mouth
of a toiler who's taking a break.
"
"desport: to amuse or display;
to cavort in a lighthearted way.
to frolic or sport,
or play games of some sort ?
it's a good way to use up the day.
"
"that tree from transvaal, the bush willow,
grows by rivers where waves softly billow.
its bloom spikes of yellow
smell fragrant and mellow
(though i doubt they're much good as a pillow).
"
"""oh my dear,"" said the husband affectedly
when his wife returned home unexpectedly.
""this young girl's so afraid
that we lay here and prayed ?
and were doing it interconnectedly.""
"
"when i looked in the list for akene,
it said, ""means the same thing as achene.""
it's a fruit or a nut
that remains tightly shut ?
till it dies ? then its kernel is seen.
"
"absinthium's a most bitter plant
called ""wormwood"", and eat it you can't.
but in absinthe (the drink)
it's much better i think;
just a few sips will truly enchant.
"
"a depth gauge is used with finesse
to measure a groove or recess.
it's also its role
to measure a hole ?
it's better by far than a guess.
"
"if you visit a veteran show
you will see cars with seats dos-a-dos.
where the driver's alive
to the route he must drive,
but the passengers sadly won't know.
"
"we have chlorophane: green pigmentation
that is part of the eyeball's formation.
it is found in the zones
of the retina's cones,
thereby helping the eye's operation.
"
"dictatory means overbearing,
dogmatic or otherwise wearing.
some people are thus,
although not, of course, us.
our attitude's always most caring.
"
"the mexican plant cypress vine
is an annual that likes to entwine.
its flowers are white
(though red's also right);
in the states it's now doing just fine.
"
"abidjan's on the ivory coast.
it's considered by some as the most
significant city
in this region so pretty
(though it's possible that's just a boast).
"
"""one man's left for the station!"" i cheer.
said pete, ""that's confusing, i fear.
is he just on his way,
or the last one to stay?
autoantonyms often aren't clear.""
"
"an elbow pad's job's to protect
the elbow (as you would expect).
it's used much by players
of sports, under layers
of the clothing with which they're bedecked.
"
"if you're offered some crapefish you'll find
it's a food that's in this way defined:
""salt codfish that's hardened"".
you'd surely be pardoned
if your portion you gently declined.
"
"a facet's a surface that's flat
on a gemstone. it won't be left matt.
but be polished, and so
the gemstone will glow
or gleam like the eyes of a cat.
"
"enripen means ""bring to perfection""
some fruit ? say a gardener's selection.
or maybe some flowers
to deck out those bowers
that add to a garden's collection.
"
"""if i tell you you're writing enquiringly"",
philology pete said inspiringly,
""it means that your history
or similar mystery
needs facts that you're seeking untiringly"".
"
"an explainer is one who explains,
making tricky things simple for brains.
he makes clear those ideas
that may jar on some ears,
and helps to avoid mental pains.
"
"dilucid: coherent and clear
in language you see or you hear.
coherence in writing
(be it calm or exciting)
is a rule that we all should revere.
"
"a mathematician's equations
are statements he'll use on occasions
for proving expressions
are equal; progressions
of logic can brook no evasions.
"
"a europhobe's someone who hates
europeans and all europe's states;
who thinks that its laws
are all full of flaws
and that europe with chaos equates.
"
"enring: put a ring on or round
like a moat that encircles a mound
with a castle on top,
or a fence used to stop
escapes from an animals' pound.
"
"an egghead's a person whose brain
is sated with matters arcane.
it might well be true
that he knows more than you ?
but his knowledge is rarely germane.
"
"if you're walking and happen to take
a path by a tree or a lake,
and a snake you then see,
it's quite likely to be
some kind of a colubrid snake.
"
"a being that has recognition
of something's electric condition,
who can tell in a sec,
with no meter to check ?
has the talent that's called electrition.
"
"diffind: this word just means to split.
an old word, and one must admit
that it's simple to name
words that mean just the same,
so i ask, is this word worth a whit?
"
"we used to use coal gas for heating
and for making food ready for eating,
and though natural gas
burns cleaner, alas,
i'm afraid that its reign is but fleeting.
"
"the drink that the yanks call draft beer
you'd think would be called draught beer here.
but the truth of the matter?
the term draught would flatter
that american liquid so queer.
"
"when a cockney is in a ""george raft""
he is sitting, of course, in a draught.
that's a current of air,
often tricky to bear,
as it blows round his for'ard or aft.
"
"digram's a term that will mean
two letters successively seen.
which letters, when found,
denote a new sound
like th in throughout or thirteen.
"
"solutions? suspensions? no, they,
the colloids, are something halfway.
they won't settle or strain,
and within this domain
you'll find mayonnaise, milk, and souffl?.
"
"when the thirty-sixth state voted ""dry"",
the volstead act stemmed drink's supply.
all the same, prohibition
got no opposition
from crooks who made millions thereby.
"
"among maps there is rather a dearth
of the kind that show well the whole earth.
an equal area projection
shows size to perfection,
a feature of obvious worth.
"
"""some errors,"" said pete, ""are quite stark.
writing it's (meaning its) ? well now, hark ?
the apostrophe's place
in the genitive case
is for nouns; don't give pronouns this mark.""
"
"enform means to fashion or form,
to bend or to change from the norm,
like a motor car's wing
or some similar thing
(best done while the metal is warm).
"
"since our time on this earth's not foretold
all our finances must be controlled.
endowment insurance
provides some assurance
that we'll have enough cash when we're old.
"
"a drivebolt's a kind of a drift
that drives a bolt home with short shrift.
when there isn't the space,
it's used to replace
a hammer. this drift is more swift.
"
"in europe the dish you have first
is the entree (which tones up your thirst).
in the states it's the main,
and it's surely a pain,
when diners find courses reversed.
"
"explorate just means ""to explore""
maybe jungles or mountains, or more.
it is now seldom heard;
it's an obselete word ?
i had not heard it used heretofore.
"
"the east irish town known as drogheda
is close to that country's north bogheda
it's right on the boyne
and its six bridges joyne
both banks, keeping traffic in ogheda.
"
"exacuate: sharpen or whet;
to hone or to otherwise get
a blade sharp and keen,
so it cuts straight and clean ?
ideal when you slice a baguette.
"
"a fautor is one who supports ?
gives assistance of various sorts.
he helps and abets
so his prot?g? gets
a boost in both business and sports.
"
"though i've tried and i've tried and i've tried,
the truth simply won't be denied.
my biography's short
though i guess that it ought
to say more than just ""born, lived and died"".
"
"you say life keeps on getting you down.
you complain all the time with a frown.
you should quit bellyaching
and learn to start taking
the steps that will turn things aroun'.
"
"he doesn't want you to go near.
you asked why that is, so now hear.
there's no rational cause
he reviles you and yours.
he's a bigot, his hatred's severe.
"
"kill them all with such bloodthirsty glee.
hack off limbs in your wild killing spree.
it's damnation and flames
in computerised games,
but i fear it's all too much for me.
"
"the actor was really a trouper.
his performances were super-duper.
so, oh what a shame!
that his main claim to fame
after years of hard work was a blooper.
"
"you were taught  how to write, now apply it!
it's the old fashioned way, but still try it.
you should first fill the pen.
write your letter and then
you must use blotting paper to dry it.
"
"i'm flummoxed, i don't mind admitting.
i'm bamboozled and thinking of quitting.
i've had quite enough,
this damned crossword's too tough.
i'd be better off taking up knitting.
"
"it's wisest when telling a fib
to be sure, to be clear, to be glib.
things only get worse
if you fail to rehearse
and are forced to rely on ad-lib.
"
"all my words tumble out in a rush
and i feel myself starting to blush.
i've gone red as a beet,
for whenever i meet
someone pretty my brain turns to mush.
"
"a vessel about to leave port
flies a flag of a singular sort:
a square that is white
on a ground blue and bright?
the blue peter's the flag it must sport.
"
"if your business is that of exporting,
then your goods you will surely be sorting
into those which stay here
and the others you steer
to the overseas lands that you're courting.
"
"to frolic means happily play
a game or in some other way.
be they lively or merry
such games will be very
much fun to indulge every day.
"
"make sure that the felting is flattened
in your roof (if it's bulging and fattened),
with strong strips of wood
which will make the felt good
or as roofers would say, nicely battened.
"
"to finalise means to complete
some challenge or task one might meet.
though the way might be tricky,
one shouldn't be picky;
all obstacles one must defeat.
"
"fissile means ""able to fission"",
if an element can make the transition
into two or more bits
as its nucleus splits ?
a change from its old composition.
"
"externality: being outside;
the state of a man who might hide
away from a crowd
whose noise is too loud.
he'll wait for the row to subside.
"
"acyclic means lacking in whirls
or circles and similar swirls.
an acyclic tail
on a peacock (the male)
would mean zilch to the peahens (the girls).
"
"a flip chart is used by a trainer
so concepts and thoughts become plainer.
its sheets will record
the subjects explored,
and it's easel-ly clear who's a gainer.
"
"abaxial refers to a part
of a plant facing out from the heart
(that's the stem of the plant)
or the surface that can't
get the rays of the sun when they start.
"
"the drum scanner's job is to gain
the best image that one can attain.
the light source will climb
just one line at a time
making all of the image quite plain.
"
"my clothes are considered a joke.
my tailoring's never bespoke
'cos i buy off the peg
so that my inside leg
doesn't need to be felt by a bloke.
"
"for his lordship it couldn't be sweeter.
his aim didn't wobble or teeter.
when the tally was counted,
he'd shot, stuffed and mounted
twelve pheasant, six grouse and one beater.
"
"where the houses have faux-marble facia
and the avenues are all called ""acacia"" ?
the middle-england heartland
of betjeman and cartland
hides scandals and sordid disgracia.
"
"he's a secret that our family keep,
our ne'er-to-be-mentioned black sheep.
why do we insist
that he doesn't exist?
i can't tell you... the trauma's too deep.
"
"one of robin hood's cohort, a plunderer,
was the band's weakest thief and no wonder! a
great bungler for sure,
he would steal from the poor,
and then give to the rich. what a blunderer!
"
"you can't get here by road or by rail,
and on foot it's a tortuous trail.
i have always been fond
of the back of beyond:
miles from anywhere o'er hill and dale.
"
"""help me doctor, won't you hear my plea?
i'm convinced i'm two biscuits, you see,
that go nicely with cheese.
can you diagnose, please?""
""yes, you're crackers, and ten quid's the fee!""
"
"every heresy we try to deter.
if a nun, for example, should stir
theological scandal,
we've bell, book and candle
with which we'll excommunicate her.
"
"in aptronyms, names really fit:
for example, the dentist named bitt,
or the baker named bunn,
or the sniper called gunn,
but not quite the sewerman, schmidt.
"
"to get something for nothing's your goal,
so you wheedle, inveigle, cajole,
beg, borrow and steal.
you got it? ideal!
you've blagged it, my friend, without toll.
"
"the fish rise to the bait and they bite.
they are mine for the taking all right.
and in figurative view,
well, my friend, so are you.
i bait you, you bite: not so bright.
"
"so my big chance has come and i know it.
i've the talent and now i must show it.
i must try my best
for this is the test.
(oh, my god! i just know that i'll blow  it!)
"
"linguistically meaning ""related"",
the use of the word's been inflated.
to be merely akin
you need not be within
the same family now, as we've stated.
"
"the abominable snowman (or yeti)
is a mystery not trivial or petty,
but i've figured it out
and can say without doubt,
it's a backpacking bigfoot named betty.
"
"the antiterrorism debate
has been used as a reason of late
to take, every day,
some more freedoms away
in the name of securing the state.
"
"no more pain? do ya think that'd please ya?
they could boil ya and burn ya and freeze ya.
they could prod ya and prick ya,
and punch ya and kick ya.
what a world if we lost our algesia!
"
"a cello you play with a bow.
a piano? press down the keys ? so.
a drum must be struck,
and a harp you can pluck,
but a flute or a horn you must blow.
"
"when they gave me the antiflu shot
they promised me that i would not
end up coughing and wheezing
with sore throat and sneezing.
so how come i've now got the lot?
"
"at her form he admiringly gazed
for so long that his eyes became glazed,
then he said, ""wow, i dig a
spectacular figure;
by yours i am truly amazed!""
"
"see the rapidly rotating knife.
see the pool where piranha are rife.
though you try to defy,
you will suffer and die.
mister bond, you will beg for your life.
"
"in the cartesian plane where you're found,
by two axes your motion is bound:
up and down on the ordinate;
the other coordinate's
the abscissa, that's flat to the ground.
"
"whether 'twas beer or 'twas ale,
the quality had to prevail.
the ale-conner's task
was to check every cask
before they could put it on sale.
"
"if you don't like the things that are done,
or the way that the country is run ?
then perhaps the solution
is rash revolution:
abrogation by use of the gun!
"
"it's a tablet that's antimalaria,
with side effects said to be hairier.
although mefloquine could
cause psychosis, you should
take your medicine ? dying is scarier.
"
"you believe all the things admen tell you.
they don't have to coerce or compel you.
you're the faceless admass
(that's the gullible class)
so come here, i have something to sell you.
"
"a chemist, while having a fling,
said, ""i'll buy you a big diamond ring.""
he gave graphite instead.
when she grumbled he said,
""they're allotropes, just the same thing.""
"
"acephalic? it's lacking a head.
acardiac? heartless, instead.
if acaudate, no tail?
but all three tip the scale,
and your pet might be better off dead.
"
"a diagonal move, black or white,
but not forward or back, left or right:
that's a bishop in chess;
and it's me, i confess,
when i've drunk all the whisky in sight.
"
"there are many religions, and yet
an atheist just says, ""forget
all of that?it's not true.""
but the agnostic view
is ""me? i'm just hedging my bets.""
"
"two gorillas, in ill-fitting clothes,
struck a mean and a menacing pose.
they growled, ""get it clear,
you're not getting in here!
we're the bouncers, and what we say goes.""
"
"i know less about aardwolves than much,
since i've not had a glimpse or a touch,
but i know they adore a
quick bite, not of flora,
but larvae and termites and such.
"
"e. becklin and g. neugebauer,
with an infrared scope they did scour
the cloud of orion
so deep in the sky'n
found an object of luminous power.
"
"the conspiracy theories abound.
men in black can be found all around.
and the number we dread's
23, there are threads
that can make it a mystery profound.
"
"you can bind up a man with a chain,
or a rope against which he may strain.
but there is no escape
if he's bound in red-tape.
all his efforts are bound to be vain.
"
"'cross the moor came a blood-curdling sound.
""it's the hound!"" cried poor watson, ""the hound!""
but then holmes, through the fog,
scoffed, ""it's only a dog!
and we'll soon drag him off to the pound.""
"
"more power, you say, cap'n? oh no!
the enterprise just will nae go
at warp factor ten.
she'll break down again.
the dilithium crystals will blow.
"
"with three meanings, completely discrete.
blunk perhaps is an old linen sheet,
or a steed or a horse,
or to turn from your course ?
though all meanings are now obsolete.
"
"stresses which don't work well and worse
rhymes so tenuous that it hurts
i've no idea
but i'm fairly sure the editors here
will just love to blue pencil this verse
"
"you'd think such a thing would be dead,
for acephalous means with no head,
but it also relates
to the state of a state
that has no-one by whom it is led.
"
"she has teeth that are blackened and rotted
and eyes shot with blood, skin that's spotted?
but you must keep in mind
that's it's true, love is blind?
and i think i can say i'm besotted.
"
"if a young lad came home all englaimed,
he'd feel that he might then be blamed.
for, slimy and clammy,
he'd worry his mammy
and leave her upset and ashamed.
"
"enchain means to bind up with chain
a person you wish to contain.
or it could be a thing
that needs more than just string,
but in each case the chain will constrain.
"
"some people might think that i'm crazy
to love the small, white english daisy.
though it closes at night,
with its ""day's eye"" so bright
it's awake before humans so lazy.
"
"in a law an enabling clause
is a statement declaring the law's
provisions prevail;
inconsistent laws fail
to impede it, although on all fours.
"
"a deformer is one who'll deform
some object from what was its norm.
like a smith with a horse-shoe ?
though with that job of course you
must strike whilst the shoe is well warm.
"
"the edison effect is the flow
of electrons from cathodes, which go
through evacuated vessels
to an anode which nestles
at their ends, making valves work just so.
"
"the australian plant called correa,
whose tubular flowers appear
at the end of november,
or maybe december,
makes a bright festive start to the year.
"
"excusatory: meant to excuse,
a phrase or expression you'd use
to explain some inaction
or faulty reaction,
which apologies might just defuse.
"
"old vehicles used the drum brake,
whose action would usually make
the vehicle slow
quite smoothly, although
used with vigour its linings could bake.
"
"escarole's used in a salad.
it's a plant with green leaves, rather pallid.
it's enjoyable raw,
but with dressings and more,
this ingredient's use is quite valid.
"
"helminthologists surely confirm
that an acanthocephalan worm,
though remarkably tiny
(with proboscis that's spiny),
can cause your intestine to squirm.
"
"in today's world it's rather unwise
to assume you can tell truth from lies,
since there's frequent intent
to mislead and invent
by the men who, to sell, advertise.
"
"with a lim'rick, arrhythmic won't do
since the metrical feet must be true.
it must flow with no fault
because who would exalt
one like this where the writer just doesn't seem to have a clue?
"
"when a chap finds himself affianced,
he might feel he's gone soft in the bonce.
what he needs is a jeeves
who adroitly conceives
of some way to break free for the nonce.
"
"if you encircle your camp with a lattice
of felled trees bound together, then that is
a fortification
protecting your station.
the construction is called an abatis.
"
"when seized by a strong self-effacement
or lacking acceptable placement,
it's time for a fella
to descend to the cellar
and spend some time feeling abasement.
"
"though the corpse may be long underground
there's still plenty of life to be found:
there are worms and bacteria
both ext- and interior ?
abiosis you cannot propound.
"
"a basidiomycetus fungus,
saprophytic (this term is humongous):
some agarics you eat,
although some come complete
fit to poison the careless among us!
"
"when you're lying in bed in a state,
agrypnotic and hardly sedate,
though your body is numb,
you find slumber won't come
and a long night awake is your fate.
"
"spiders and scorpions and ticks
are not many people's first picks.
as pets they're not sweet,
they have too many feet
and they simply won't learn to do tricks.
"
"down the street at a hundred and ten,
grab the handbrake and race back again.
who's holding the wheel
in these coffins of steel?
these boy racers won't live to be men.
"
"a painting of nothing's not the done thing.
ev'ry painting should represent something,
but too often, in fact,
that's the one thing that's lacked,
which is why abstract art's such a rum thing.
"
"i'd prefer every pillar box yellow
and mot?rhead played on a cello,
macbeth done in greek,
or a plastic antique ?
i'm quite an atypical fellow.
"
"you have six pit bull terriers and more.
you have five thousand volts through the door.
you've two barrels of shot.
is that all that you've got?
not enough for your antitheft war?
"
"you revere every life, great and small ?
things that fly, things that swim, things that crawl ?
so your doctrine's ahimsa
and maybe you'll glimpse a
divinity shaping it all.
"
"some men think a lady should shave.
smooth axillae are all that they crave.
some men prefer hair
to be natural there!
they're her armpits. (oh please do behave!)
"
"use of violence: the weak man's confession
that he's no better means of expression.
walk away from the fight
and you'll find i am right:
it's better to check your aggression.
"
"maltreat or exhibit foul play,
use improperly or in a wrong way.
euphemistically used
then it can be excused ?
such abuse of the self is ok!
"
"so accidie's slothful malaise,
an apathy dulling your days.
well, it's sure dulling mine,
though right now i feel fine,
as i'm lost in an alcohol haze.
"
"ajrotc? say no more!
i don't wish to be ready for war.
i won't join your platoon, ya
can keep army junior
reserve officer training corps.
"
"my attire didn't go down too well,
but i ask you now, how could i tell?
it said ""black tie required"",
so that's what i hired
and went otherwise au naturel.
"
"some fellows will run for a mile
to avoid a short walk down the aisle 
with one of those misses
whose caresses and kisses
are set to bewitch and beguile.
"
"bicoloured? two colours, that's right!
blue and green? red and yellow? well, quite.
two disparate shades,
and the meaning parades
before you in clear black and white.
"
"technology gives me no thrill.
that new music? discordant and shrill.
guess i don't comprehend
every new-fangled trend.
modern life? it bewilders me still.
"
"i think i might write of abulia,
where strong indecision can rulia,
but quickly i find
i've again changed my mind?
that's the way that abulia can foolia.
"
"won the lottery! sadly i'm sick. it
will not be too long 'fore i kick it.
but i will spend the lot,
gonna blow  all i've got.
and my heirs? let them buy their own ticket.
"
"agamemnon, besieger of troy,
returned to mycenae with joy,
but clytemnestra, his wife,
straight away took his life:
a sad end for the greek golden boy.
"
"an adventurer's a brave man and bold,
of whom stirring stories are told.
but an adventuress,
well that's rather less ?
for she's only after his gold.
"
"time changes the words that we say,
and the old nineteenth-century way
to say, ""it's all clear!""
would today be thought queer
if we cried, ""come on out, it's all gay.""
"
"when the hole that you want is quite small,
the tool that you reach for's an awl.
it's really quite good
for both leather and wood
(or for starting a screw in a wall).
"
"in australia, a vine there will twine
or simply just lie and recline.
with its leathery leaves
and red flower sheaves,
this creeper is called coral vine.
"
"deliber means ""carefully weigh
every possible factor that may
help in getting things right"";
this takes time but it might
save your cash at the end of the day.
"
"a drug that is called endermatic
is used in a manner emphatic.
when rubbed on the skin,
it will quickly soak in,
helping people feel more acrobatic.
"
"an alewife runs places where ale
and other fine drinks are for sale.
her noble profession
is in some recession,
since landlords tend now to be male.
"
"defenser: the same as defender,
a man who will help stop surrender
of a thing under threat.
this man can abet
and a proper solution engender.
"
"there are people who must cut a dash,
with the latest of styling, so brash.
wearing up-to-date dress
is called fashionableness?
though for me, it's a real waste of cash.
"
"crinital:  in botany ""hairy"",
as the leaves of some plants on the prairie.
like the mariposa lily
with its petals so frilly ?
a rare plant, so walkers, be wary.
"
"epithetic: of a phrase or a word
that's abusive. said pete, ""it's absurd
that some think it exciting
to use such in their writing ?
in mine this has never occurred"".
"
"if you're factious it means you dissent
(to a greater or lesser extent)
from a meeting's accord;
this is often deplored,
because meeting time's thereby misspent.
"
"said the mechanic, ""your old car is pinking.
the solution is simple, i'm thinking.
decarbonization
will be your salvation,
and it's cheap to get done,"" he said, winking.
"
"i keep writing these limericks but
surely some of them won't make the cut.
some are good and some great,
and some cause much debate
when the stress is not thought adequate.
"
"when roused to a pitch of acharnement,
it cannot be claimed there's no harm meant.
it's a bloodthirsty rage,
which in our modern age
makes a very good case for disarmament!
"
"an interesting verse? got me beat!
i've had to admit my defeat.
so it's dull, but i'll risk it.
abernethy: a biscuit ?
as bland to define as to eat.
"
"with tap dancing, problems are posed,
and ditto with picking his nose.
gold rings he can't wear,
nor tiptoe to scare.
adactylous: no fingers or toes.
"
"when faced with a false accusation,
it's a reason for some jubilation
if the accuser is found
to have no solid ground
for his vile and calumnious oration.
"
"""the hole that you've dug is too big,""
or ""there's nothing to see, not a fig!""
these affronts are obscure,
but each one i am sure
is an archaeological dig.
"
"these drugs that we're constantly taking,
no differences seem to be making.
adiaphorous:  thus
they're placebos for us,
for there's been no effect on our aching.
"
"acerous, acerate, acerose:
all adjectives, so i propose,
that mean ""needle-like"",
like the teeth of a pike,
or the thorn on the side of a rose.
"
"perhaps i don't eat enough greens,
or it may be a fault in my genes,
or a momentary seizure,
but defining amnesia,
i just don't recall what it means.
"
"when the romans had set up a camp,
around it they'd oft build a ramp,
and the sentries would stride
round this agger with pride,
through the night with a flickering lamp.
"
"bring the axe down on top of his brain,
and then strike him again and again.
you must split him in two,
because that's what you do
when you render a body atwain.
"
"we agonise over each word,
over-analyse 'til it's absurd.
we have stressed over stresses
and metrical messes
and still in the end not concurred.
"
"an unhappy man known as dan
said, ""i'm altering all that i can.
change my clothes, hair and weight,
my home, job and state,
and from now on please call me diane!""
"
"the apostrophe's a much abused mark
of which greengrocers stay in the dark.
they sell leek's and potatoe's
pea's, bean's and tomato's.
at least their consistency's stark.
"
"when you're looking for lodgings take care,
for they say ""let the buyer beware"";
and a ""smart bijou flat""
means just one thing, and that
is, you can't swing a cat when you're there.
"
"there are lots of good things i can eat,
though i like my food spicy, not sweet.
i'm filled with delight
if my dish has some bite,
so a chilli or curry's a treat.
"
"the auditions were hard work indeed.
most applicants failed ? we agreed!
they could sing, they could dance,
so they had little chance
for our boy band ? just not what we need.
"
"i was struck by a feeling of gloom
as i entered my bed-sitting room.
for the rent i was paying,
i wished i weren't staying
in a cupboard designed for a broom.
"
"balmoral's the queen's scottish place,
or a boot in which highlanders pace,
or a hat with no brim
and a plume for its trim,
or a skirt made of linen, not lace.
"
"big and bad was the wolf (but quite slow).
said, ""i'll huff and i'll puff and i'll blow.""
but a house made of bricks
is too strong for such tricks ?
which is something that windbag should know.
"
"accelerando's a musical need
for maintaining an increase in speed.
if you end up too fast,
you may find at the last
that your fingers are starting to bleed.
"
"turn the screw and the vice starts to bite.
turn some more till it's clamped good and tight.
keep a firm, rigid grip
and your chisel won't slip.
(but relax it a bit and it might.)
"
"sitting comfortably? then i'll begin.
open mouth, take a plum, put it in.
every vowel? it's rounded.
every consonant? sounded.
speak bbc english, and win!
"
"the aylesbury's a kind of white duck,
though i can't say i fancy its luck.
it's a good meaty bird
and it is, so i've heard,
quite remarkably easy to pluck.
"
"i resist all objectification:
my street and my city, my nation,
my world and, what's worse,
my whole damned universe
i deny with acosmic negation.
"
"the blurb on the back of the jacket
said ""a page-turning feast: you must pack it
to read on the beach.
it's a rip-roaring peach.""
i read it. it's rubbish. can't hack it.
"
"there are some things no sane man would eat,
such as tripe, jellied eels and pigs' feet,
but the worst, i conclude,
is black pudding ? a food
made from pigs' fat and blood. what a treat!
"
"when the absence of motion and heat,
without question, is really complete,
it's absolute zero,
as low as can be low,
the final entropic defeat.
"
"all the well turned-out dandies you've seen
like to keep their coiffure looking mean.
nowadays such a fellow
uses something like jello,
whereas once he'd have used bandoline.
"
"bin yo gooin' or bin yo bay, ay?
well, come on nar, ar kid, wot yo say?
ay, yo might be arf jed,
but ge'r'aht uh yower bed.
get yower coot on, we air go'r'all day!
"
"the treasury clerk said, ""i confess,
i'm to blame for this terrible mess.
i forgot that our billion
is one million million:
in the states it's a thousand times less!""
"
"the bridge club who met every week
were annoyed to discover a clique
of malcontents saying,
""we'd rather be playing
a couple of hands of bezique.""
"
"first, a begat b begat c
begat d begat e begat me.
though i'd like to beget,
i have not begot yet.
i'll be getting it soon ? wait and see!
"
"two sets with a well-mapped connection
that works in whichever direction
(for each a there's one b
and vice-versa you see)
give a mapping that's called a bijection.
"
"mild-mannered, bespectacled clark
in disasters was quick off the mark.
off came glasses and tie
as he leapt to the sky.
""it's a bird! it's a plane!"" they'd remark.
"
"""what a wonderful town's hay-on-wye!""
said the bibliophile, with a sigh.
""all those crannies and nooks
filled with nothing but books!
i could browse through the shelves till i die.""
"
"""i'm normally keener than mustard
and not at all flummoxed or flustered.
but i'm getting some gyp
from the bone in my hip.
i can't fight,"" the old soldier blustered.
"
"the doctor said, ""how do you feel,
now you've eaten your barium meal?
though the stuff that you ate
may make x-rays look great,
as a main course it's lacking appeal.""
"
"you're counting, nought, one, ten, eleven
and 1-1-1's how you write seven;
your numerical base
is two, and your place
is reserved in computer-nerd heaven.
"
"the houses of parliament's tower?
or the clock there, as some will avow? a
mistake used for either,
big ben's really neither ?
it's the bell that rings out on the hour.
"
"a snake with bright red on its back
and a wasp striped in yellow and black:
their aposematic
colour's dramatic
and keeps them quite safe from attack.
"
"every blemish and blight, every blot,
every pimple and pustule she's got,
she has powdered and painted ?
her skin looks untainted ?
but for one single (fake) beauty spot.
"
"""noble art"" is how some name the fight
when in boxing two men show their might.
they punch and they batter,
blood spurts and bones shatter.
it's not noble, not art, and not right.
"
"with a wailing that left our ears ringing
and brought tears to our eyes, hot and stinging,
this howling creation
was no lamentation ?
joan baez, to our horror, was singing.
"
"you say you're at my ""beck and call"".
you will do what i say, big or small.
i say, ""what the heck
do we mean by a beck?""
it's a nod or a gesture, that's all.
"
"with your confidence starting to fall,
as your club won't connect with the ball,
each swing's an air shot,
so perhaps you should not
take up golf as your game after all.
"
"in charge of the islamic state
(750 to 1258)
were abbasid caliphs
who held the beliefs
that abbas and mohammed relate.
"
"in that poem by burns maybe you
found the one place this word is on view.
did i hear you once say,
a wee ""gang aft agley""?
it's archaic: ""aslant or askew.""
"
"""also known as"" is also known as
""a.k.a."", but for extra pizzazz
in an internet room,
choose a new nom-de-plume ?
an alias with more razzmatazz.
"
"intelligence can be overrated.
it's better to be addlepated.
don't be too dejected:
if little's expected,
the crowd is more easily sated.
"
"oak, ebony, rosewood and yew ?
these are woods (and i name but a few).
they all play their part
in the carpenter's art,
and you'll find so does acajou, too.
"
"you see all of the grounds from in here.
it was built for me early this year.
come, regard my estate,
for the view's simply great.
oh, i do love my new belvedere.
"
"though it shows little style and less flair,
a sleeveless coat made of goat's hair
is an aba in syria
and meets the criteria
for a chic fashion statement out there.
"
"she was hired for the night as a sitter
for two children and both of them bit 'er.
they were monsters indeed,
as their parents agreed
when they came home and found her atwitter.
"
"antiplague, antiplaque, antipress,
antisnob, antistrike, antistress,
antithis, antithat,
anti-""my aunty's cat"" ?
i'm anti this faux anti-ness.
"
"she said, ""it's the wrong time of year
to take your binoculars, dear.""
but the winter bird-watcher
said, ""that's where i've gotcha;
there are plenty of bluetits, i hear.""
"
"this really could be quite a lark,
limericizing aardvark.
though the rhyme is infernal,
the mammal's nocturnal.
(it only comes out after dark.)
"
"throughout the uk you can bet
on the horses or football ? just get
to the betting shop, where
you can dream if you dare,
but night mares may mount up your debt.
"
"though none of it's made too much sense,
your babbling has been so intense,
for the whole morning long ?
and you're still going strong ?
you blatteroon, why don't you condense?
"
"the figures all show a sharp dip.
the economy's sunk like a ship.
it's done a titanic,
but try not to panic;
after all this is only a blip.
"
"though it means they'll be honest and true
in the things they're declaring to you,
when they say they'll be candid,
don't expect even-handed;
an insult is sure to ensue.
"
"a maths grad inclined algebraically 
said, ""it's true that i woo formulaically,
but that lass in life science
won't offer compliance
deoxyribonucleically.""
"
"an improbable beauty the cactus,
without much in its shape to attract us.
we reached for its flowers
then spent two more hours
removing the spines that attacked us.
"
"they may tinkle or ring. they may gong.
they may chime their carillons of song.
their peal can be appealing ?
though not if you're dealing
with alarm bells that keep going wrong.
"
"he's a rogue. he's a bounder. he's bad.
many more to the list we can add.
he's a rat. he's a knave.
you know he'll misbehave.
so, in short the man's simply a cad.
"
"""i say, bunter, whenever you speak,
it's to whine or complain or to sneak,
to tittle, to tattle,
do everything that'll
put a chap up in front of the beak.""
"
"acerbity: a sharp bitter taste.
on this, meaning two has been based:
a bitter and cholic
bad mood, vitriolic ?
all in all, really rather ill-graced.
"
"when poisoned, a bezoar's the cure
but not one you'd want to endure.
it's a stone from the gut
of a ruminant, but
its use remains slightly obscure.
"
"he said to his kids at his side,
""when i'm gone trust my will to provide.""
but, so sad to mention,
there was some ademption:
he'd spent the whole lot 'fore he died.
"
"this project to some seems absurd.
it's outrageous, or so i have heard.
it's bizarre, i agree,
but what is plain to me
is insane is the apposite word.
"
"there is something experience has taught;
no matter what gift you have bought,
if it's late ? by one day! ?
she will think (and p'raps say),
""but, of course it's a mere afterthought.""
"
"an addend can enlarge your receipt
or the bill for the food that you eat.
it is one of a set
of some numbers that get
added up till the total's complete.
"
"egg's addled? you'll easily tell,
the moment you've opened the shell.
though you won't want to eat it,
you might want to ""beat it""
away from both kitchen and smell.
"
"don't dispute with a cunning orator.
if you do, you know sooner or later,
as the argument grows,
you may well come to blows
and have need of a fair arbitrator.
"
"the heist we were busily plotting.
personnel into roles we were slotting?
this for him, that for you?
when asked what did i do,
i replied, ""i'm the one who's allotting.""
"
"the archerfish scored a fine hit
on the insect that flew above it,
with superlative aim
meant to kill or to maim
(and to cover in archerfish spit).
"
"i can state it with perfect veracity,
my bladder has no great capacity.
on the bus, homeward bound,
i've a wish that's profound?
that i'd drunk with less rugged tenacity.
"
"as happy's related to sad,
or as good is related to bad,
so to synonym we
can say antonym, see ?
a reversal i'm happy to add.
"
"though each actor they cast is a star,
many films you will find simply are
just a little too long,
though too short is as wrong
and can be an abridgement too far.
"
"i don't vote for the left or the right.
i've no time for bipartisan fight.
i'm not hypocritical,
just apolitical.
lib dems? well i guess that i might.
"
"with a weapon he had to conceal,
guilty bob went off fishing for eel.
for his bait, he had lob-
worms made up in a bob.
for a sinker? the weapon. ideal!
"
"she had spurned him and made him see red,
and bob knew that he ought to have said,
""though you scorn me, my sweet,
i'll be calm in defeat.""
instead he had bobbed in her head.
"
"by rejection severely dismayed,
poor young bob (who's a builder by trade)
from his line took his bob,
bashed it down on her nob,
and killed her stone dead, i'm afraid.
"
"bob had hoped that his chatting up powers
would be helped by a posy of flowers,
but she said he should bring
her a necklace or ring
of bright silver, well bobbed for some hours.
"
"bob gave her a quite small bouquet
and she said, to his utter dismay,
""such a few leaves and flowers
to romance have no powers ?
take your bob back and throw it away.""
"
"bob vowed when he saw her he'd try
to catch the fair maiden's bright eye.
he'd a couple of bob ?
that would just do the job ?
to buy flowers from the florist, nearby.
"
"the gastronome had this one wish?
to never be served with boiled fish,
so when that's what came
he was heard to exclaim,
""i'll just have the accompanying dish!""
"
"in that tiny and horrible bed-sit
it was tough to see just how the bed fit.
the old mattress was flat
but the worst thing was that
all the bugs that were there in the bed bit.
"
"my bed-sitter where i did dwell
had wet rot and dry rot as well.
there were cracks in the ceiling,
the paper was peeling,
and as for the smell, it was hell.
"
"you've apportioned a portion of it.
each gets as his portion a bit,
for, i'm sure you'll agree,
that apportion must be
to divide, share, allot, mete out, split.
"
"there are some birds that sing, others squawk,
and parrots may know how to talk.
some whistle,  some crow;
but i really don't know
what kind of sound's made by an auk.
"
"my best-seller's in every good store.
all the same i am hoping for more:
in each airport and station,
across the whole nation,
a display on a shelf near the door.
"
"a pastry base ? that's the first part
when preparing a fine bakewell tart.
then you need almond cake,
add some jam, and you'll bake
your way to an englishman's heart.
"
"my advice is ""do not take to crime"",
though for me it's too late because i'm
just a felon, i fear,
and that's why i'm here.
i'm inside, i'm banged up, doing time.
"
"when the king takes two steps, moving wide,
and the rook jumps to stand at his side,
then he's castled, and now,
though he's safer, somehow
to hide's put a dent in his pride.
"
"the first casualty of all war
is the truth, so they say; what is more,
once the truth's dead and gone,
then the war may go on
without reference to morals or law.
"
"when frodo went off with the ring,
he was aided by steward and king,
three hobbits, an elf,
the wizard himself,
a dwarf ? and a sword he called sting.
"
"the man with the raggedy coat
was constantly clearing his throat.
he was smelly and rough,
evil-tempered and gruff.
he was caprine ? that's ""just like a goat"".
"
"your 'do might be something to dig
or mistaken by bros for a wig,
but if ever the door
isn't wide enough for
your hair, then your 'fro is too big.
"
"an academic's a man whose i.q.
far surpasses all but for a few.
but should great intellect
engender respect
in a man who can't tie his own shoe?
"
"the story had such a fine hook
that i got quite caught up in the book?
didn't notice at all
when the 'quake felled the wall
and the rest of the house shook and shook.
"
"dear sir, the most blatant intent
of your journal's political bent
to annoy ? don't deny it ?
means i'll no longer buy it!
yours truly, disgusted of kent.	
"
"though a cruel man might find it enjoyable
that the barbs of his wit are employable
to stir my black bile,
i'm a man not to rile:
atrabilious (meaning ""annoyable"").
"
"the soldier was doughty and mighty,
but, oh, how he longed for old blighty.
yet his posting in france
at least offered romance,
with the sight of a mademoiselle's nightie.
"
"oh, please do stop making a fuss.
there is nothing i want to discuss.
do not carry on so,
for you surely must know ?
there's just you; there's just me; there's no ""us"".
"
"a besom's a brush or a broom
for sweeping the floor of the room,
made from bundles of sticks,
to which you affix
a handle ? to grip, i presume.
"
"it's a marvellous gun, i must say.
i see i've impressed you today.
but it's loaded. beware!
you had better take care
or in both ways you'll be blown away.
"
"""i'll call in if i'm passing."" i said.
you replied with a nod of your head.
but i rang on your bell
and although i could tell
you were in, you pretended you'd fled.
"
"with my details on friends reunited,
i waited for answers, excited
that i'd catch up with mates.
(also maybe get dates
with those girls where lust went unrequited.)
"
"call of nature has nothing to do
with anything found in a zoo;
not with fauna or flora,
for such a call's more a
full bladder demanding the loo.
"
"can a plane simply vanish in space?
can a boat disappear without trace?
those who view the bermuda
triangle conclude a
good chance may exist in that place.
"
"it is no use to rant or to rail.
you might try for a year and still fail.
there is nothing assured,
you must be inured
that your efforts might have no avail.
"
"tell me why this belligerent stance?
all i asked you was, ""care for a dance?""
if that makes you rage,
you will wait for an age
without finding the slightest romance.
"
"as a country, old england's quite grand,
but there's something you must understand:
our cuisine is quite plain.
on the whole, in the main,
it's a place where the bland leads the bland.
"
"please give me no lentils to eat.
nut cutlets? they're also no treat.
keep your tofu and quorn.
give the chickens the corn.
i'm a carnivore ? give me some meat!
"
"the weapon that formed a strong link
to the murder, bob threw in the drink,
but it bobbed in the water.
said he, ""i'd have thought a
small object that heavy would sink.""
"
"bob was out for a stroll one fine day,
when a blond short-haired girl looked his way.
she was charming and sweet,
and her bob pretty neat,
and his heart was quite stolen away.
"
"unaware of his imminent fate,
the fish saw the worm, took the bait.
he found he was hooked ?
and later was cooked ?
and served up, with chips, on a plate.
"
"as they laid young bob deep in the ground
from the church came a deep solemn sound.
as the bells rang a bob,
there was no one to sob
for the murderer, surely hell-bound.
"
"in his prison cell bob had no hope.
said he, ""i'll just sit here and mope,
for i'm sentenced to die;
they will hang me up high,
and i'll bob on the end of a rope.""
"
"you must cast aside all of your doubt.
reservations? expel them. be stout!
your excuses are limp.
oh, don't be such a wimp!
just go over and ask the girl out.
"
"if you take on more than you can do,
then of course you will fail to come through.
though you may try and try,
if your aim is too high,
you will bite off more than you can chew.
"
"i have no inspiration. bad news!
as i cast round for concepts to use,
i seek here, i seek there,
i seek every-damned-where,
but i've still got the writer's-block blues.
"
"the director, when casting the play,
asked, ""so who would you like to portray?""
i said, ""lead man, of course!""
but the rear of the horse
was his choice, to my utter dismay.
"
"some butterflies' colours delight,
resplendently shining and bright,
but for me, summer's here
when i first see, each year,
the wings of the plain cabbage white.
"
"as ahm stood on the bonk wi' mi mutt,
wi some bibbles poiled up by mi fut,
yo might axe f'wot?
they'm ter chuck at the rot
in the werta, dahn theer in the cut.
"
"your share is one hundred per cent,
but the rules say that's not how it's meant.
for when applied properly,
antimonopoly
laws will soon make you relent.
"
"don't worry about work or tax.
so what if your life's off the tracks?
though the whole thing's a mess,
try to be antistress.
just take these blue pills and relax.
"
"you're the heir, as it now lies revealed,
though the union has long been concealed.
'twas not blessed by a minister
and so there's a bend sinister
heraldic device on your shield.
"
"if tarzan's the role you pursue,
the conventional leg count is two.
your right leg would win it ?
i've nothing agin it.
the trouble is, neither have you!
"
"i just blurted it out when i said,
""oh good grief, what is that on your head?
it can't be your new hat.
it looks like a dead rat.""
turned out 'twas his toupee instead.
"
"""i say, nohow!"" exclaimed tweedledum.
""contrariwise, dum!"" said his chum.
antithetically spoken,
dee showed by this token
an argument still was to come.
"
"i've shot lions and tigers, giraffes,
and gorillas and hippos ? for laughs.
but please spare me the blame,
for when i shoot big game
it's on perfectly framed photographs.
"
"you should cast your mind back, if you can,
to the time when the trouble began.
so, what was your mistake?
which poor choice did you make?
why was life not according to plan?
"
"she was sick and confined to her bed.
""go and fetch me my bloomers!"" she said.
though it might have caused snickers,
she should have said ""knickers"".
what a bloomer! he came back with bread.
"
"sherlock holmes, at a meal parliamentary,
swallowed a fish bone fragmentary.
when he started to choke,
doctor watson soon spoke:
""alimentary, holmes, alimentary!""
"
"a sugar from cedar and pine
that scientists find to be fine,
arabinose plays
a role in their ways
as a medium where cultures may shine.
"
"the secondhand plane that i've got,
aeronautically sound it is not.
there are holes in the tail
and the engine has failed
and the wings on both sides have dry rot.
"
"we stood around looking aghast
at her skin's deathly pale, greenish cast.
though she looked three-months dead,
the goth smiled as she said,
""wow! this make up is quite unsurpassed!""
"
"i need thirty-six hours in each day
just for work (never mind rest or play).
i need nine days per week,
or my job prospect's bleak.
i'll catch up with my sleep when i'm grey.
"
"your cheeks are both glowing quite red.
is it something i shouldn't have said?
you're embarrassed, i see,
or perhaps it might be
you applied too much blusher  instead.
"
"his eyes are round, beady and small,
and are just not attractive at all.
they're set so close together
you can't decide whether
it's a face or an old bowling ball.
"
"you are reading your book on the sand.
it's sunny and life feels so grand.
when over the dunes
roar a pair of buffoons
in a beach buggy: they should be banned!
"
"turn into, completely surround,
cause to be, have effect that's profound.
befogged and befuddled?
befooled and bemuddled?
it's the prefix that's ""be-"", i'll be bound.
"
"some antidotes save you from dying
from drugs wrongly given, no lying!
ill effects are reversed;
soon you're over the worst.
malpractice attorneys, start crying!
"
"an agent noun's easy, so let's
see exactly how easy it gets.
for a partner in crime,
you add -er and then i'm
your abetter, the guy who abets.
"
"to exhibit the use of again
i will just write the same word again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again and again.
"
"an airbrick can be a good call,
since it uses no power at all,
and it's hip to be square,
venting moisture and air
via holes that it makes in the wall.
"
"i like my food plain, nothing flash.
that foreign muck's nothing but trash.
forget pasta and rice
and leave out the spice.
just give me my bangers and mash.
"
"when popeye was feeling a lack, he
inspected each pocket and pack. he
exclaimed, ""it's no joke,
i'm in need of a smoke,
but bluto has stolen me baccy!""
"
"a dung heap is smelly, that's true.
you say ""phew!"" when i take off my shoe.
let me be quite emphatic:
they're not aromatic?
for that, only perfume will do.
"
"you can house your small pet axolotl
in any old jar you have what'll
remain watertight.
(though your ocelot might
find life much too cramped in a bottle.)
"
"we've twelve cheeses, five hams and much more.
we have flavoursome fillings galore.
we have eight kinds of bread,
but all you want instead
is a blt sandwich, you bore.
"
"acetabulum's found on a leech,
or a mollusc or flatworm; a niche
of nature's wild things
with flat muscular rings
that stick them to the things that they reach.
"
"jus' yo look at the mess tha' 'e's med,
an 'ear 'arf the saft things tha' 'e's said.
tho' 'e might p'r'aps be willin',
'e ay the full shillin'.
'e's a barmpot, 'e's saft in the yed.
"
"there are mammals whose size and whose shape
include gerbil, giraffe and great ape.
with a size that's dramatic,
the biggest's aquatic.
the blue whale makes a man stand agape.
"
"i'm boracic, i haven't a bean,
and i wish someone would intervene.
i'm penniless, broke ?
but you seem a nice bloke ?
come on! lend me ten quid, don't be mean.
"
"ticks and mites? things you just can't abide,
and you'd rather not have them inside,
so you want them all dead,
not infesting your bed!
what you need is an acaricide.
"
"it's clear that an abacus plus is
its use to count books, beans or buses.
to count abaci, i
find i can't explain why
the plural may be abacuses.
"
"the girl may look simply incredible,
adorable, loveable, beddable:
but the fact of the matter?
should you act on the latter,
you'll learn that she thinks that she's weddable.
"
"i wonder what shakespeare would say,
if he were still with us today.
the bard of avon, i think,
would be so tickled pink
that he'd join the oedilf straight away.
"
"on the body that washed to the shore
the bite was a foot, maybe more.
that's the width of the mark
from the teeth of the shark
that swam round the deep ocean floor.
"
"be patient, bear with me, my friend.
the secrecy's here to defend.
information will flow
when you have need to know.
you'll be told every thing in the end.
"
"the tourists discovered, instead
of what they thought the guide book had said,
the guards in the mall
were not naked at all:
the bearskins were worn on the head.
"
"do you see those bright lights in the sky?
stare hard at the stars, go on try.
though you know they're not shifting
they seem to be drifting ?
autokinesis, a trick of the eye.
"
"live the swashbuckling life if you please.
go adventuring on the high seas.
flying crossbones and skull,
cut the waves with your hull,
as you sail to all points by degrees.
"
"i could or i couldn't care less,
although which one is anyone's guess ?
and it sure doesn't matter.
(for brits it's the latter,
but not in the good old us.)
"
"the bilge pump is broken i think,
as the boat is now starting to sink,
but i'm bailing out water
so fast that i oughta
just keep myself out of the drink.
"
"for the pictures you gave an instruction:
""blow them up,"" but alas my deduction
as to your intent was
all wrong; what you meant was
enlargement, not violent destruction.
"
"as i'd tried to escape from the jail,
my jumper had caught on a nail.
the farther i travelled,
the more it unravelled
and the cops followed hot on my trail.
"
"i've told myself this once or twice:
""don't play cards or roulette, don't throw dice.""
how much richer i'd be
if i listened to me ?
i should act on my own good advice.
"
"one night when the weather was nippy,
i caught the bus back from the chippie,
ate my chips from the paper,
but, oh what a caper,
my cod piece i shared with the clippie.
"
"it's disturbing if you're puritanical
and view words with feelings tyrannical.
though allantoid means ""shape
of a sausage"", don't gape,
for its usage is mainly botanical.
"
"the shop closed at the end of each day.
the stock was put quickly away.
but alas now we must
say the place has gone bust.
it's closed down and it's staying that way.
"
"the lumberjack started to wail, ""ya
might think i'm a bit of a failure!""
as his hatchet was shattered
just when it most mattered
by an axe-breaker tree in australia.
"
"we've landed our troops and, what's more,
we've taken the enemy shore.
the beachhead's secure,
so that we can be sure
it's the first step in winning the war.
"
"'ad nuthin' tew ate f'tew days
'ceptin' some faggots 'n' pays
'n' a big piece a kerk'n'
some grey pays 'n' bercon.
ah'm clammed to jeth. feed mi now, playse.
"
"they assured me the artist i'd hired
would paint me the way i desired,
but the ears were all wrong,
and the nose was too long
on the caricature i'd inspired.
"
"she's ugly, she's old and she's vicious.
she's spiteful, and cruel and capricious.
she's a hideous beldam,
who cries, ""go to hell! damn
you all!"" she's completely malicious.
"
"though you've worked all day long for the squire,
he won't pay you the wage you require.
he will mutter and mumble ?
then pay with a grumble,
begrudging the workman his hire.
"
"i would ask her out but i'm shy.
i get tongue-tied whenever i try.
but i'm not going to mope,
for a man must have hope.
i expect i'll succeed by and by.
"
"one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
are the cardinal numbers, that's straight.
but first, second, third
are the ordinals heard,
for a race or in stating a date.
"
"from behind, my boss yelled, ""hey, jock! gotcha!
you should count every bit of stock, not ya
few minutes remaining
till home time, while feigning
you're working. you're not, you clock watcher.""
"
"arithmetically challenged? i see.
you have trouble with one, two and three.
well, i'm the right man
and i'll help if i can.
you certainly may count on me.
"
"it seems i'm the poor also-ran.
i've been last since the day's hike began.
i really don't mind
if you leave me behind.
i'll try to catch up when i can.
"
"'ad a bloke in ter mek me a wall,
bu' 'e wore really right on the ball.
the bricks wuz skewwhiff,
an the gert 'inge wuz stiff ?
it wuz cagmag; wore done right at all!
"
"i never tell lies. as an actual
honest-to-goodness, contractual
prime minister's aide,
i don't spin or evade,
and nothing i say's  counterfactual.
"
"we've spent the whole evening debating.
what exactly are you advocating?
you're not anti-, you're pro- ?
but of what, i don't know.
so, come on now, explain ? i'm still waiting!
"
"this limerick's not special or new.
it has anapest metre that's true.
it has accurate rhyme,
i can tell you this time ?
it's  a bog standard verse through and through.
"
"first the boy and the girl exchanged glances.
then he took her to dinners and dances;
spent a few months in courting,
then decades supporting
and wishing he'd made no advances.
"
"aaron was the brother of moses.
in old testament verse he reposes.
a priest of some might
for the israelites,
and that's about all that i knowses.
"
"you know what you want, do you dare?
check the bible, there's nothing in there
to say wrong or right;
well then, that's a green light.
adiaphorism, churches don't care.
"
"on 'er own, well 'er day goo no weer.
it wuz moo-er than a little bit queer
when we sid 'er wi'aht 'im.
we axed 'er abaht 'im,
'er said, ""he's sittin' awum wi' uh beer.""
"
"i don't want to hear somebody say,
""the manager's been called away.
if you wish to complain
you may come back again,
but i'll tell you the same every day!""
"
"archeologists, sifting their pits,
found that beaker-like pots lay in bits.
they needed a name
for the people to blame.
they chose beaker folk for them. it fits!
"
"at the garage they solemnly told me
that the car would most certainly hold me
for another ten years,
but now it appears
it's a clapped-out old banger they sold me.
"
"he wore a red fez. what a hat!
his routines were so perfect and pat.
with his quips fast and strong
and his tricks (that went wrong):
tommy cooper, a star, ""jus' like that!""
"
"i'm lazy and don't give a hoot,
and sometimes i'm pissed as a newt.
i'm work-shy and slow
and before long i know
that my boss will just give me the boot.
"
"we clock in at the start of the day.
we clock out as the sky fades to grey.
all the time in between
is just deadly routine
as we go about earning our pay.
"
"a chemist's equipment is ample ?
retorts and pipettes used to sample,
and mortars and pestles
and oddly shaped vessels ?
an aludel is an example.
"
"if you blunder then that means you make
a horrible, dreadful mistake;
but blundering through
despite all that you do,
means success after all. what a break!
"
"this butterfly dreams he's a man,
and this man's having dreams where he can,
like a butterfly, fly,
and i wonder if i
was awake when this dreaming began.
"
"puritanical? no, i'm not prudish!
i can tolerate things that are rudish.
i'm not a bluenose,
but when anything goes,
things sometimes can get just too lewdish.
"
"please don't consider me dim,
if i should go out on a limb
and state quite laconically
aaronic, aaronically
meaning ""of or relating to him.""
"
"the religious may make supplication
or give thanks in devout meditation.
if they make their devotion
with loving emotion,
this bhakti may lead to salvation.
"
"the troy system's what one employs
weighing gold and the gems one enjoys;
but for things of less worth?
like a fistful of earth?
you'd be better with avoirdupois.
"
"once a treat, bonfire night, now, i fear,
just gets longer and louder each year.
the only solution?
anti-noise prosecution!
but the law always turns a deaf ear.
"
"pan paniscus, the bonobo chimp
is in matters of sex not a wimp.
when he meets someone new,
his first ""how do you do?""
is no handshake, and nor is it limp.
"
"i'm feeling quite wasted and weary.
the world looks unfocussed and bleary.
it's not long after noon,
but i'll have to sleep soon,
as my lunch was a little too beery.
"
"you can choose any book that you fancy ?
the bible, charles dickens, tom clancy.
now pick any section,
by random selection,
and your future's just bibliomancy.
"
"by accede it is usually meant
to agree or to give one's consent
but you can also accede
to the throne and indeed
that must cause a tremendous content.
"
"don't give me none of your lip.
say nothing, say nada, say zip.
don't give me no flack
and don't answer back,
or i'll take off your hide with my whip.
"
"philatelists know their stamps well.
entomologists think bugs are swell.
musicologists know
their ""ray, mi"" from their ""doh"".
campanologist?  that rings a bell.
"
"""my young son tells me nothing,"" complained
a poor mom in a voice that was strained.
""he's now at that age; he
keeps secrets. he's cagey ?
won't say how his bed sheets got stained.""
"
"although alice was crowned in her dreams ?
laughed ""coo"" when awhirl an' cried streams,
i watch a dam shown
cursed girl here alone.
end carrollian! i'd show raw, gauche themes.
"
"you look stylish in hand-knitted scarf,
though your boots are too natty by half.
do you ever ask whether
such fine calfskin leather
looks better on you than a calf?
"
"i don't care, you can say what you please
about what the birds do, and the bees,
but that won't make it so
for my ancestors, no!
they didn't descend from the trees.
"
"of a gift or a card or a letter
or a cheque (with much thanks) from a debtor,
the unique addressee
is the person to be ?
that's to say, the proposed letter getter.
"
"acetabulum ought to be known
as a cuplike depression that's grown ?
in the words of the song,
and i'm sure i'm not wrong ?
where hip bone connects to thigh bone.
"
"science has more than its share
of theories bizarre and ""out there"",
and specious as any is,
is abiogenesis,
saying life can appear from thin air.
"
"the question's of interest, true,
but the answer's got nothing to do
with the things that affect us.
(can't guide or direct us.)
too academic for us to pursue.
"
"she suspected him of an affair,
but the evidence just wasn't there
till she came home one day
when he'd thought her away:
caught him at it with babs, the au pair.
"
"""a hot water bottle, i thought,
was the thing that you meant when you bought
a bed warmer,"" she said
when she found, in my bed,
a hooker, and got overwrought.
"
"well i like books a lot ? i'll concede it.
but ""excessive"", you say? i won't heed it.
bibliolatrous? no!
so now why don't you go
write it down and perhaps i might read it?
"
"if i'm catching your drift, what you're saying
is, i'm cheap and your patience is fraying,
but allow me my thrift ?
let me cadge us a lift.
(i've a major aversion to paying.)
"
"when you smile, are your teeth straight and true
or all messed up, with rows quite askew?
how they meet, that's the bite,
though a good dentist might
fix them up, make them perfect for you.
"
"i am writing this limerick now.
i am thinking and working out how
i'm defining progressive
aspect in successive
five lines, by the sweat of my brow.
"
"some treasures can be beyond measure ?
say a summer's day stroll at your leisure.
through the park past the bandstand's
the route that you've planned and
the band adds its brass to the pleasure.
"
"mr. charles ogden's claim to be known
was to pare english down to the bone.
with just eight-fifty words,
basic english i've heard's
in a linguistical league of its own.
"
"though i've won twenty million,  i shout
that it won't be plain sailing, no doubt.
now i've joined the jet-setters,
what about begging letters?
should i just keep on sending them out?
"
"i am susan, called after my mum.
are there problems? i'd have to say, some.
once our dentist, the swine,
mixing her file with mine
tried to pull her false teeth from my gum.
"
"i know billiards is really quite tame,
but it's all we can play, such a shame.
of course snooker's more fun,
but when all's said and done,
we just don't have the balls for the game.
"
"yo know worra mean, yo've all sin 'em ?
an' some on yer's even looked in 'em ?
but if they doe stick aht,
well, then yo con shaht,
""them winders bay bay winders, bin 'em?""
"
"the british film institute's mission?
to preserve and restore the condition
of great films from the past
so we see them at last ?
bfi: we applaud your position.
"
"you must follow these terms on release:
your unlawful behavior must cease.
we're letting you go
but we think you should know
you're bound over. you must keep the peace.
"
"she's charming, good-natured and sweet.
her behaviour's completely discreet.
she's modest and shy,
looks away from your eye.
she's a blushet, demure and petite.
"
"""i'll clean up at the tables!"" i said,
""make a fortune."" but sadly, instead,
the little steel ball
chose the wrong place to fall.
i'm cleaned out and i'm deep in the red.
"
"i thought it was steak from a cow,
but i bit, then i spat: went, ""ee-ow.""
""it's bean curd,"" they said.
i said, ""tell me, instead,
what the hell it's supposed to be now!""
"
"the first power station to go
spreads the load to its neighbours and so,
much like dominoes, they
too collapse in array ?
in a cascading failure they blow.
"
"bmw: a fine set of wheels,
but alas, that is why it appeals
to the joy-riding thief
whose most fervent belief
is his right to the cars that he steals.
"
"""do you know of a large hook-shaped cutter
that will go through this brushwood like butter?""
""that's billhooks,"" he said.
so i punched his fat head,
since such language is not fit to utter.
"
"i just wanted a chain for my watch ?
a purchase that's quite hard to botch.
that's an ""albert"" (no prince).
got it wrong! ever since
i have suffered a pain in the crotch.
"
"an adverbial phrase tells you more
than the verb on its own can explore?
such as how (with some wit);
such as where (in this bit);
such as when (until quarter to four).
"
"i'm the one who decides who will win
when an uppercut smashes the chin.
if you're looking to see
who's the best referee,
for counting them out, count me in!
"
"i go. i am going. i've gone.
three tenses? well no, only one.
three aspects: the term,
as i'll simply affirm,
is progressing quite perfectly on.
"
"be it english or french or chinese,
every child learns its own tongue with ease.
but how do we do it?
if only we knew it.
acquisition of language? a breeze!
"
"you're an awkward and gawky young kid.
you lurched and you lumbered and slid;
broke the vase with a clout
as you blundered about
like the bull in the china shop did.
"
"i  have written this limerick now.
i have thought and i've worked out just how
perfect aspect has been
quite demonstrably seen
in five lines, by the sweat of my brow.
"
"the explorer was vexed that he'd picked a
tough fight with a boa constrictor.
'twas a bad choice to make ?
bets were all on the snake.
and guess what? the constrictor's the victor!
"
"when the choice is 'twixt trousers and shorts,
he wants trousers, and so he exhorts
them with, ""bags i the bags,""
for the sluggard who lags
must always accept last resorts.
"
"a couple, while out one fine day,
took a rest in a field full of hay.
one thing led to another
and now she's a mother,
and he's wishing rain had stopped play.
"
"at the start of the year the intent
is to allocate every last cent,
but make sure that you use it.
a surplus? you'll lose it:
they'll claw back whatever's not spent.
"
"the curtains are twitching in twitchen
and they're itching to grumble in hitchin.
every blue-rinse old maid
has her morals displayed
as she sets the world right from the kitchen.
"
"comedians all long for laughter,
and it's fame that all actors are after.
those treading the boards
do love their awards;
and one such award is a bafta.
"
"a gal with two lovers was sated
by a life which was rather x-rated.
mon, wed, fri ? she had john;
tue, thur, sat ? it was ron;
and on sun? well she just alternated.
"
"the bride and the groom splashed the cash.
their wedding was ever so flash,
one hell of a night
(with obligatory fight) ?
all in all a superlative bash.
"
"a young student who went up at ox
was surprised in lace panties and socks.
he turned redder and redder?
and so did the bedder,
whose keys opened all of the locks!
"
"i'm the boss but i wouldn't employ
my brother and ditto his boy.
though my nephew may rant, he
will find i'm still anti-
nepotism, so sorry, no joy!
"
"the old bellwether leads the flock's sheep.
after him all the others will creep.
it's also used, then,
for a leader whom men
follow blindly to doom in their sleep.
"
"if you've swallowed some poison, then you
need a good antidote to pull through.
if you seek to be cured,
you can be reassured,
alexipharmics will oftentimes do.
"
"all the lands and this title of mine,
by convention and noble design,
to the eldest must fall
and there'll be none at all
for cadet, nor for all of his line.
"
"the gun wasn't loaded, i thought!
if it were, he still wouldn't resort
to the violent stuff,
that's why i called his bluff,
and ended up here ? life support.
"
"in the guide book i started to browse
milton keynes failed at all to arouse
for the best to be seen
in its pastures of green
was a herd of  full-size concrete cows.
"
"though he puts on a very good show,
his lies just continue to flow.
accidental transmission
betrays his position ?
information that we shouldn't know.
"
"sid vicious sang ""my way"" and sneered
and the audience hollered and cheered;
but some said this cover
version no lover
of sinatra could take ? it's too weird.
"
"when away from my hometown my speech
is as posh as the best schools could teach,
but accommodation
means my conversation
reverts when my roots are in reach.
"
"i am erudite; they are just crass.
they don't reach my standards, alas.
though it's english i teach,
i am driven to screech,
""these kids, they just ain't got no class.""
"
"as a judge, when about to convict, i
must be firm, must be fair, must be strict. i
must consider the facts
of which criminal acts
put the corpse in this corpus delicti.
"
"as i'd strolled through mum's palace i'd seen a
young gal with a stunning demeanour.
""i love you!"" i'd sighed,
but this vision replied,
""cor blimey! i'm only the cleaner.""
"
"the young and the rich and the pretty,
the greatest, the gifted, the witty:
adjectival nouns all,
like the handsome, the tall ?
and i'm none of them, more is the pity.
"
"though the plan, as you say, is ambitious,
the signs now are rather auspicious.
we should quickly proceed.
we should act with all speed.
our efforts must be expeditious.
"
"i do not intend to expend
all my energy reaching that end.
why you're working so hard
on just clearing the yard
is a mystery i can't comprehend.
"
"we sing as we're rowing our boat;
no director keeps time. we're afloat,
with our coxless vibrato
(don't call us castrato):
just a couple of oarsmen of note.
"
"banished and exiled ? disgraced ?
with a life far from home he is faced.
no one knows what he did
for he's keeping it hid,
though they're certain it's something debased.
"
"though they knocked on the doors one by one,
the conversions achieved numbered none.
evangelism complete,
at the end of the street,
they climbed into their cars and were gone.
"
"we're the lords of it all, we're the top.
we're the masters, whom nothing can stop.
but if we're so evolved
that we've got it all solved,
why, if given the chance, would i swap?
"
"if you swap round the a and the q,
and the z and the w, too,
in place of our qwerty
you'll get an azerty ?
a keyboard that's french through and through!
"
"i'll rub and i'll scrub till i'm sore,
till i'm looking bright red and quite raw.
i'll exfoliate well;
i'll remove each dead cell
from my skin and unclog every pore.
"
"a black hole singularity? well,
it's a thing few can know or can tell.
but belinskii, khalatnikov,
lifshitz, a hat-trick of
physicists, can: bkl!
"
"ar wench knows 'er way rahnd a pon.
'er's alles got summat grand on.
fill yer boots 'n' yer bally,
bostin fittle, no tally.
ah doe know why 'er cor gerra mon.
"
"there's the secret ? or double-o sort.
thomas cook? well that's travel, i thought.
meanwhile, some are estate,
some are news and some freight.
agents act in your interest, in short.
"
"i'm a leader of talent and skill,
and i bend one and all to my will.
i don't have to command.
they eat out of my hand:
every wish that i have, they fulfill.
"
"i consider myself a wise man
so i don't make an ex ante plan
(based on what i predict)
because that might conflict
with ex post (based on how it began).
"
"""the guillotine's blunt,""  so he said,
""wouldn't slice up a stale loaf of bread.
it is my supposition,
from its edgeless condition,
this aristocrat's keeping his head.""
"
"so all men are equal. says who?
are we equally handsome or true?
or are some of us wiser?
the one equaliser
is death. but then that much you knew.
"
"i wanted my name on the fob.
should have got someone else for the job,
a different engraver,
whose hand didn't waver,
and inscribe me as boob and not bob!
"
"on conducting his tests he's intent.
his experimentalist bent
means his normal m.o.
is a thorough and slow
set of trials, which he then can present.
"
"turning verbs into nouns is sensational.
nouns into verbs? inspirational!
if you add letters here,
at the front or the rear,
the morphology is derivational.
"
"i feel my whole life is a mess.
i've failed to have any success.
i am down in the mouth.
the whole thing has gone south.
this explains my dispiritedness.
"
"""a good exit strategy's needed""
is advice that they ought to have heeded.
when you enter a bout,
be sure how you'll get out.
safe and sound, above all unimpeded.
"
"forever, it's etched on my brain
as a permanent horrible stain.
bill shatner is singing?
my ears are still ringing.
please don't play that album again.
"
"on the etymological scene
there's a fallacy that is routine.
though it's rather absurd,
people think what a word
meant at one time, it always should mean.
"
"two, four, eight, then sixteen, thirty-two,
sixty-four and more numbers ensue.
in this series sequential,
the growth's exponential:
huge numbers can quickly accrue.
"
"the new auditor's coming today,
and i think i know what he will say.
he is certain to find
that i've robbed the firm blind.
no excuse will explain it away.
"
"the master and student debate
how to move a whole mountain so great.
student says, ""it's a fact,
the erosional act
will reduce it to sand if we wait.""
"
"these reality shows make me fume
as the broadcasters seem to assume
we all have an iq
of about twenty-two:
entertainment perhaps, but for whom?
"
"the extract they used from my book
was lacking a suitable hook.
thus a lukewarm review
was the best they could do ?
so nobody bought it to look.
"
"as i caught in the forest today
an evocative smell, a bouquet,
i remembered when we
carved our names on a tree:
a memory i'd hidden away.
"
"the top of the stalk,  in the main,
is the part of the wheat where there's grain.
at the right time of year,
farmers cut off each ear ?
though a threshing machine takes the strain.
"
"it seems that whatever i say,
my support keeps on ebbing away.
i must try to connect,
earn the voters' respect,
or they'll throw me from office one day.
"
"i am like a proverbial pea.
i can double for him, he for me.
you must learn from the start
that to tell us apart
he's the one with the ginger goatee.
"
"it's a fine, noble thing if you teach.
think of all of the students you reach.
but didacticism may
in excess go astray,
so be sure that you teach and don't preach.
"
"'twas a sad and quite tawdry affair.
he did his wife out of her share
of the lottery prize ?
but i'd never chastise
such a generous, kind millionaire!
"
"some fishermen say ""congo snake.""
""congo eel"" is another mistake.
amphiuma, that's me.
from my family tree,
salamander's  the word they should take.
"
"i really don't think you should eat
the black fungus that's grown on that wheat.
it is ergot and it
can cause seizure and fit ?
ergotism ? (and gangrenous feet!)
"
"independently, through conscious thought,
that's how my  life's meaning is sought.
the true essence of me
defines all i can be.
i'm a real existentialist sort.
"
"do it now! do it cheap! do it quick!
be the hotshot! be savvy! be slick!
should it fall down next year,
we'll no longer be here.
expediency is the trick.
"
"let's break down this thing dna.
there is  cytosine, adenine. they
bind with guanine and thymine.
it's breathtaking. i mean
they made me who i am today.
"
"you can see this fine limerick i wrote
doesn't need an explanatory note.
i doubt that there's one
who will fail to catch on ?
the chance of it's very remote.
"
"""they're extinct, but that's just around here,""
the zoologist said, with a tear.
""extirpation's occurred,
but they thrive undeterred
somewhere else (till they all disappear).""
"
"when we talked of the pm one day,
i found myself having to say,
""i'm not saying you're dumb,
but he's both dregs and scum?
i don't think you can have it that way.""
"
"""it's great to be highly esteemed,""
said the mayor of the town, and he beamed.
""the respect that i get
overwhelms me and yet,
if only they knew how i schemed.""
"
"yo woe gerrit gooin' like that.
in th' ess'hole put the perper dahn flat,
un yow chuck some wood on,
then some coal, un me mon
be a-blerz in abaht no time flat.
"
"with his radical, novel intent,
his experimentalist bent,
it's the shock of the new,
now exposed to their view,
the conventional tend to resent.
"
"whatever you think are his charms,
some things should be ringing alarms.
all the loot that he's got ?
does he pay? he does not.
he's deep pockets and very short arms.
"
"he will tell you enormity ought
to mean ""wickedness"". then, with a snort,
""you can't use it for size:
that's enormousness!"" cries
the pedant. (he's wrong in that thought.)
"
"at the races i lost in a flash
'fore the horses had started to dash,
when a talented dip
slyly managed to slip
from my pocket my wallet and cash.
"
"he's solidly stuck, not extricable,
through an act that was quite inexplicable.
it wasn't so smart
to push bodily part
into that thing. the act was despicable.
"
"i teach english and do the job well,
and the subject is called... who can tell?
no one can agree
on esol, elt,
eal, efl, esl.
"
"i can't stand being left here alone.
i'm so lost and afraid on my own.
since you all went away,
no one's hearing me say
how my eremophobia's grown.
"
"aposiopesis today
in rhetoric's acting this way:
you break off the thought,
as if you've been caught
without any more you can...
"
"soft furnishings ? something you need,
such as curtains and cushions indeed,
and a beanbag for one
to sit comfortably on,
though you'll find that it's hard to succeed.
"
"there was an old man of korea
whose limericks were all  after lear.
that's the style of, not later,
for that limerick creator
was a copycat man of korea.
"
"from many a strange distant region
came the heroes who made up the legion:
from bgztl (how odd),
from durla and yod ?
though i don't think they had a norwegian.
"
"i'm quite at the end of my tether
with my father, who goes hell-for-leather
at his diy tasks,
and if anyone asks,
says, ""it's something i cobbled together.""
"
"your efforts will never avail.
you may try but you're certain to fail.
still, when all's said and done,
it can still be quite fun
to get dizzy just chasing your tail.
"
"a blue compact dwarf tends to be
a thing that astronomers see.
it's a galaxy,  true,
and it's compact and blue,
and abbreviates thus: bcd.
"
"the bull tossed its head, side to side,
as picadors' barbs pierced its hide.
then the matador's part
was to strike through its heart
with barbaric and bloodthirsty pride.
"
"you've a crescent-shaped flaw, they advise.
very close to the blind spot it lies.
it's bjerrum's scotoma,
observed in glaucoma,
a defect affecting your eyes.
"
"""i'm really hon'rably intentioned,""
he said to a lass well dimensioned,
but she said, ""no, i'll leave
for i do not believe
the intentions that were aforementioned.""
"
"he's magnanimous in his defeats,
and gracious to those that he beats.
his acclaim is his due;
he deserves to win through
(excepting the times that he cheats).
"
"it is large, brightly coloured and round,
and it lies by the sea on the ground.
no, it's not my aunt tillie,
it's a beach ball, you silly.
the resemblance is sure to confound.
"
"i believe that i'm nobody's fool,
but the things i was taught when at school ?
that they drummed into me ?
to a frightful degree
have turned out to be wrong, as a rule.
"
"in victorian times, without fail,
gentlewomen so fragile and pale
were attended by lasses
from less genteel classes,
called abigails (never a male).
"
"a carnivorous mammal with spots?
like a civet? i haven't seen lots.
it's a delundung, eh?
well, i'm quite blown away
to learn india's where the thing trots.
"
"abbr. abbreviates abbr.
but to pronounce it ""ah-bruh""?'s dev.
abbreviators still say
the whole word the right way.
and abbrev. is one more var.
"
"""who wrote these rude words on the board?""
he asked, but was mostly ignored.
but i knew it was nick,
so i dobbed  him  in quick,
and then asked if i'd get a reward.
"
"the time's running out for him fast,
though he's started to catch on at last
that he's a dead man
who's still walking. the plan
is that his time with us is now past.
"
"top left of the board there's a key
that's marked ""esc"" for ""escape"", and i see
that it mostly means ""chop
this activity ? stop!""
it's not there to suggest that you flee.
"
"daily exercise: schoolwards i race.
my satchel, held tightly in place,
holds cards, sweets and toys,
and some comics for boys,
but not exercise books (there's no space).
"
"a lisping young rose would pursue
a botanical sweetheart to woo.
""i'm wild as a panther!
pray give me your anther!
i'm pointing my pithtil at you!""
"
"an alienist, dr. bob lyle,
was consulted in many a trial.
he affirmed mental fitness
of defendant and witness,
but a guy like e. t.? not his style.
"
"three vampires from old transylvania
had bats in their belfries (or crania).
not a neck would they bite
'til they'd scrubbed it pure white,
for abluto-, it's clear, was their mania.
"
"anthropophagite restaurants are few,
though they serve up one helluva stew;
why do cannibal diners
so rarely serve minors?
quite frankly, there's little to chew!
"
"""i dare you,"" athena once said,
""to win at the loom. go ahead.""
arachne defied her?
and soon was a spider
left hanging by one silken thread.
"
"some called samuel butler sarcastic,
acerbic,  verbose, or bombastic,
but folk puritanical
called him satanical
because of his works hudibrastic.
"
"catherine, her love in full bloom,
for her nuptials would need lots of room.
down the aisle she would sidle
to ""here comes the bridle""
and get herself hitched to her groom.
"
"""an arboreal dwelling impeccable!""
the woodpecker deemed the place checkable,
but the real estate ad
for this petrified pad
should include, ""bring a beak that's unwreckable.""
"
"a prostitute, bored of the street,
decided she'd hook other meat
so she read izaak walton;
now fish she's assaultin'?
once hooker, now angler compleat.
"
"said catherine, ""my dear, let's not falter.
just gallop me straight to the altar.
pray don't be a stranger;
let me share your manger.
i'm yours, darling?reins, bit and halter!""
"
"the exploded view plan that i had
appeared clear and well-drawn: i was glad
it showed each tiny bit
and just how it should fit.
so then why does my plane look so bad?
"
"the steak's lying raw on the board.
the cleaver's as sharp as a sword.
bring it down with a whack,
cut it square front and back,
cube the meat; a nice stew's your reward.
"
"we need someone who's younger and hipper
to head up the firm, to be skipper,
for our old ceo
is a dinosaur, so
send him off to his pipe and his slipper.
"
"he's a bully, a thug, and it pays
to avoid ever meeting his gaze.
he's an arrogant pup,
so let's duff him right up:
a good beating might well change his ways.
"
"is it painting? it isn't, not quite.
is it etching? i think that you might
consider it so,
but i'll tell what i know:
it's an old aquatinter's delight.
"
"as the story unfolds in three acts,
joe friday confession extracts
without any lyricism,
just stoic empiricism:
 ""madam, just give me the facts.""
"
"this flower has nine petals, no less,
and more would be thought an excess.
it looks pretty and bright
in the crisp morning light,
in its enneapetalous dress.
"
"it's only a small operation,
a removal, a quick extirpation
of a bodily part.
please don't take it to heart.
let's continue to do this castration.
"
"""does sir dress to the left or the right?""
asked the tailor, just being polite.
with equipment so small,
did it matter at all
if the crotch was a little too tight?
"
"i'll exposit my view: i will state it.
i'll expound it. i'll say it, dictate it.
i'll assert and attest
and be sure i've expressed
what i wanted to (though you may hate it).
"
"she cried, ""out, damned spot! out,"" in the play,
""be you blood of type o, b, or a!""
her mind all besotted,
her hands all beclotted,
poor lady macbeth scrubbed away.
"
"an afghan's a soul from kabul
or a shawl that you use when it's cool
or a silky-haired hound
you might find at the pound,
but not as a general rule.
"
"a novice french cook who was flustered
in making his very first custard
used a hot bain-marie,
a device from paris,
so his custard can now cut the mustard.
"
"in egypt, when darkness is done
and daybreak has night on the run,
each carved baboon votary
joins in a coterie,
greeting the nubian sun.
"
"as a lactose-intolerant boy,
i am not most photographers' joy.
i guess they don't dig my
loud gas (borborygmi).
when others say, ""cheese!"" i say, ""soy!""
"
"for corpses whose hair is awry,
these ladies will wash, cut, and dry.
these ghoulish beauticians
do work for morticians.
their motto is ""curl up and dye.""
"
"at the automat, chicken supreme
or blueberry pie with whipped cream?
insert coins, open door,
tasty tidbits galore
on the spot?an automaton's dream!
"
"""to the notre dame bell tower few go,""
said renowned french auteur victor hugo.
""but my own quasimodo,
despite deafness in toto,
has a hunch he'll be found there if you go.""
"
"his braillewriter went on the fritz;
then the thing up and died, called it quits.
he soon came to find
three mice that are blind
now reside there. they think it's the ritz!
"
"at the ball arthur's queen begged her pet,
""won't you grant me a gay minuet?
my lissome sir lancelot,
come, let us dance a lot!
a little knight music, quartet!""
"
"in a bronco the fugitive fled,
o. j. simpson, a killer, some said.
bruno maglia shoes,
aris gloves were the clues
in this murder that left his wife dead.
"
"incising a fresh avocado
requires no skill or bravado,
but the slicing is rare
of an alligator pair,
unless ""i welcome death!"" is your motto.
"
"moaned catherine the great, ""oh, ye gods!
just look how this horse of mine plods!
he finished the ascot race
quite like a basket case?
this despite five-to-one odds!""
"
"a blue-footed booby, when mating,
does intricate preening and prating;
and soon dad and mother
take turns with each other,
their eggs with their feet incubating.
"
"a criminal blue jay at large
got wise with the bird police sarge.
""i'd much sooner wing it
than  long-term sing sing it
on some fanciful jaywalking charge!""
"
"my greengrocer makes his career
as a vegetable pirate. i fear
that this swashbuckling vendor
of corn, when it's tender,
will charge me?a full buccaneer.
"
"at melville's most famous of tales,
charles windsor incessantly rails.
""moby dick (that behemoth!)
must certainly be myth
for i am the true prince of wales!""
"
"though blind, harry said, ""never fear!
i'll become a detective next year.
'stead of sight, i'll use sound
when i'm snooping around.
i'll be known as a bold private ear!""
"
"alligatoring happens to paint.
you may think that's okay, but it ain't.
if your semigloss fails
with reptilian scales,
you have excellent grounds for complaint.
"
"at wine fests the grapes are well trodden
by feet 'til they're pulpy and sodden.
bacchants and bacchantes
make dandy chiantis
through wild bacchanalian ploddin'.
"
"the shepherdess little bo peep
was endlessly counting her sheep.
the task was so boring
it left the girl snoring
right there in the pasture, asleep.
"
"only one thing enhanced her libido:
an anonymous man in a speedo.
thus the guy that she wed
wore his swimsuit to bed,
plus a mask to remain incognito.
"
"chef yan's place, the mandarin bride,
just blew up, and there flew far and wide
bits of asian cuisine.
poor yan landed between
a wok and a hard place, deep fried.
"
"their abdomens held overhead,
the acrobat ants came and fed
in this big top (my kitchen!),
and now i am itchin'
to see that their circus act's dead!
"
"the beaver's a dam-building master.
in latin the rodent is castor
canadensis. the felt
from its elegant pelt
made a fortune for john jacob astor.
"
"an ailurophobe has an aversion
to cats, be they tabby or persian.
if offered a manx,
he will tell you, ""no thanks!
i think felines are fit for submersion!""
"
"that omnivorous aussie, the bandicoot,
eats available insects and handy fruit.
her strange pouch that's reversed
keeps out dirt (that's the worst!)
while she burrows along with her sandy snoot.
"
"a buxom young dancer named myrtle
had measurement problems to hurdle.
but this plump terpsichorean
had a secret victorian:
an industrial-strength power girdle.
"
"""please lend me a bobby pin, guard.
i must fix my locks, and it's hard,""
the prisoner pleaded.
she got the pin needed?
and now she is no longer barred.
"
"my baby, who wants diet latitude,
deems pablum the essence of platitude.
he rejects fruit puree,
but a truffled souffle
he wolfs without hint of an attitude.
"
"on a cold afternoon, about three,
my grandma would fix cambric tea,
a drink sweet and mild,
brewed weak for a child,
in a demitasse cup?just for me.
"
"when the finch wanted breakfast to eat,
she alit on the lawn for her treat;
'twas a morning for mowing,
so the gard'ner got going,
and a crunching was heard?shredded tweet.
"
"for tristan 'twas love at first sight,
and his heart, cased in armor, took flight.
to iseult he's endearing,
but she's constantly fearing
that thing that goes bump in the knight.
"
"you won't see a fine arabesque
in a vaudeville show or burlesque.
so balletic a pose
keeps a girl on her toes?
very graceful and so picturesque.
"
"it's an eighth of a buck or a byte
or the mouthpiece an equine holds tight;
a brief moment in time,
a small piece of this rhyme?
all are bits in this verse i indite.
"
"atop an old column that's attic,
with capital carving dramatic,
acanthus's greenery
enhances the scenery?
corinthian, so charismatic!
"
"in the heavens the greater dog rose,
with his sirius star of a nose.
orion might wager
his hound, canis major,
tracks lepus wherever he goes.
"
"""my mischievous flock's on the lam!""
sobbed bo peep as she searched for her ram.
""lamb curry's a no go;
it's truly a low blow.
i guess we'll just have to eat spam!""
"
"in the school cafeteria, luck
is required to avoid flying muck.
chewy pot roast with gristle
makes a neat guided missile;
mushy peas make fine ammo, so duck!
"
"the demise of his hair?diabolical!
he mourned each and every lost follicle.
the once-hirsute misha
bewailed alopecia
with bald-faced chagrin melancholical.
"
"i won't change a ""yes"" to a ""no"".
or go if i don't want to go.
bloody-mindedness? yes,
and i'm forced to confess,
i'm too stubborn, and doesn't it show?
"
"though a poet whose talent explodes ?
sublime sonnets, magnificent odes ?
his  calligraphy's such
that he's not revered much
except by the breakers of codes.
"
"though archaic and obsolete, blysne
nonetheless needs its own definition.
and though i'll opine
that this verse does not shine ?
the word does, as it simply means ""glisten"".
"
"it's blackmail? how simply absurd!
such an ugly and horrible word.
it's a tiny concession
rewarding discretion.
(used notes, tens and twenties preferred.)
"
"in the bar where the fishermen chat,
with his arms spread wide open, old pat
said, ""'twas this big. alack,
that i threw the thing back.""
(but he lied. 'twas no more than a sprat.)
"
"i say, barman! please look at this beer.
hold it up to the light and then peer
through the glass. it's opaque,
and, well,  that's a mistake,
for it shouldn't be cloudy but clear.
"
"we should get out of here, gotta scoot,
gotta split, gotta run, gotta shoot.
23 and skidoo,
gotta go somewhere new,
to escape this relentless pursuit.
"
"you're explaining your problem to me.
i say ""uh-uh"", ""ok"" and ""i see""
to confirm that i've heard
what you've said, every word?
backchannelling to a degree.
"
"""truly father, i chopped down the tree.""
""'twas the tree that was chopped down by me.""
this cleft sentence divides
the first sentence and guides
all the stress where i'd like it to be.
"
"if the party turns out to be kegless
or the booze is drunk down till you're dregless,
all 41 gallons
of an aam's quite a challenge.
you will end up both aamless and legless.
"
"mr stanley, when starting your mission,
you must plan for a long expedition.
doctor livingstone's  lost,
must be found at all cost.
don't forget that's the herald's position.
"
"""drinking cows' milk? it isn't the best!
try this, which i've freshly expressed,""
said the young mother who
had a rather strong view
that she felt she must get off her chest.
"
"she's a harlot! no worse, she's a whore!
worse than that? can we find something more?
our most terrible jab?
it is this: she's a drab!
she's a woman that all should abhor.
"
"the black country's a plerce weer a mon
does everythin' tha'-r-a mon con.
weem big, we ay small;
we ay backerds  at all.
doe mix it wi' brum, when yo'm gone.
"
"when a man has to go he must go:
on death row, it's a phrase that's a blow.
no more waiting,  it's clear,
execution time's here.
the grim reaper's turned up for the show.
"
"even-tempered? well, maybe it's true,
for anger's a thing i eschew.
when given a choice,
i do not raise my voice,
though i might raise an eyebrow (or two).
"
"she went out with him on a blind date,
found for most that he just wouldn't rate.
""he's a moron!"" she said,
""from the neck up, he's dead.
which is all  that i want in a mate.""
"
"the exsanguinous corpse on the floor
was once filled with blood, but no more.
was it killed by a bat?
no, a bloodthirsty cat
dragged it in through the flap in the door.
"
"many people have sought for a guide
to their lives by just looking inside,
but for me: extrospection ?
the other direction ?
i'm considering things far and wide.
"
"a stay-at-home sort, that is me.
there is only one version to see.
but i'll change that around ?
be outgoing ? i've found
extroversion. i'm bursting with glee.
"
"in the window the calico lies;
she's the cat with the clear amber eyes.
she responds with a purr
as i stroke her warm fur,
her harlequin patchwork disguise.
"
"our orchard just blossomed last night?
black branches now snowdrifts of white.
drowsy droning of bees
drifts through burgeoning trees
to presage the apples' crisp bite.
"
"the ocean's ethereal calm
sings a song to my soul like a psalm
as i walk the warm sand,
pinkish shell in my hand?
pearly miracle poised on my palm.
"
"in order to bake us a pie,
i have twenty-four black birds to buy:
two magpies, six starlings,
four rooks for my darlings,
twelve crows to be plucked from the sky.
"
"you'll enjoy capybaras to eat;
venezuelans proclaim them a treat.
those of catholic bent
may consume them for lent
if a fine rodent burger's their meat.
"
"the castellan found it a hassle
to supervise running the castle.
he leapt from the turret,
creating a stir. it
was said that he flattened a vassal.
"
"near the mousehole old pusscat would wait
for the mousie to come for the bait?
a chunk of aged cheddar;
but mousie knew better,
thus foiling a fat-feline fate.
"
"my bed-wetting frustrates my spouse;
yes, the linens i frequently douse.
my wearing of pampers
our love-making hampers?
he sleeps somewhere else in the house.
"
"the doc made a quick diagnosis:
""you're a victim of atherosclerosis.""
but some angioplasty
compressed all the nasty
old plaque and prevented thrombosis.
"
"fans of aussie steve irwin all sing. they
proclaim him their naturalist king, say-
ing, ""grave, where's your pow'r
in steve's finest hour?
oh, death, tell us, where is your stingray?""
"
"i gathered as soon as she sicced her
gigantic pet boa constrictor
and it swallowed me down
(au revoir, jacqui brown!)
that some comment i made must have ticked her.
"
"she's started that new south beach diet
(for months she'd been tempted to try it.),
but she'd now sell her soul
for an old, dried-out roll.
low carb? she's just not gonna buy it.
"
"for my kids, many things can cause itches:
poison ivy, mosquitoes, wet britches.
the cure? a pink ocean
of calamine lotion?
i grab it whenever one twitches.
"
"the best bovine waitress we'd seen
was bess at the old dairy queen.
to thank her for dipping
our treats, we tried tipping,
but tipping a cow's kinda mean.
"
"pommes frites and those dread brussels sprouts?
could they both come from belgium? i've doubts.
though the first are delicious,
the second are vicious.
when i serve them to grandpa, he pouts.
"
"poor adam was feeling quite cross.
he'd been tempted with fruit by ""the boss.""
""hey, eve, please take note
that it's stuck in my throat.
the next time i'll have applesauce.""
"
"her cacography puzzled the proctor,
and during the mcat he mocked her:
""your penmanship's stinking!""
she replied without blinking,
""then i guess i will make a good doctor.""
"
"from her balcony, juliet hissed,
""hey, montague, dammit, i'm pissed!
though our stars may be crossed,
art thou totally lost?
and just how many cues hast thou missed?!""
"
"take espresso?not much, just a shot.
add some milk that's been steamed 'til it's hot.
it's the drink that inspires,
named for capuchin friars?
cappuccino?that brew hits the spot!
"
"decorations of red, white, and blue;
a small bird of an indigo hue;
a wee babe's hooded sack;
giving balls a slight whack?
all are meanings of bunting, it's true.
"
"a bomber, the enola gay,
flew out on a sad august day.
a vast mushroom cloud
formed a luminous shroud,
beneath which a dead city lay.
"
"a cadaver, a scowl on its face,
sneered, ""i'd not be caught dead in this place!
the service is dismal,
the food is abysmal,
and the worms here don't even say grace!""
"
"each family has its black sheep,
a notorious, ne'er-do-well creep.
he's a brat and a liar,
a rat and wolf-crier,
who's good only when he's asleep.
"
"tales of beowulf, strongest of men,
were recited again and again
in the ancestral mead hall.
today we can read all
the sagas of heroes back then.
"
"an alien came to her door.
""in search of new worlds to explore?""
she asked the strange creature.
it tried to beseech her
for hallowe'en treats she'd in store.
"
"my cat stole some tuna and bread
and parked it on top of my bed.
i was caught unawares
(who has picnics upstairs?)
and reclined on my kitty's bed spread.
"
"if tinkerbell's mom tells her fairy tales,
do hairdressers tell their kids hairy tales?
do vampires tell scary tales?
do grizzlies tell beary tales?
do guernseys with calves tell them dairy tales?
"
"alone: beneath urban skies, lowering;
grey faces of passersby, glowering;
faint footfalls on pavement;
the fearsome enslavement
of walls closing in, overpowering.
"
"why is it that andersen's fairy tales
are often such angst-ridden, scary tales?
though his stories are magic,
their endings are tragic.
why didn't this dane pen more merry tales?
"
"who's been  stealing these cheeses from me?
my stilton, my m?nster, my brie?
the english scream, ""vermin!""
die m?use's the german,
and a frenchman would shriek, ""les souris!""
"
"insert finger up nose, go on, do it,
and bring all the skill you have to it.
when the bogie's removed,
your breathing's improved,
and if put in your mouth you can chew it.
"
"as cartography goes, it's a feat.
this map's so remarkably neat,
but the bellman's sharp trick ?
i admit that it's slick ?
was to leave it a touch incomplete.
"
"there's no reason that we need to warn a
motorist that we have drawn a
clamp down on speeders,
(get cash from the bleeders!)
with cameras on every street corner.
"
"he enjoys hurting people, and he
is aroused and turned on by the spree.
all this pain will ignite
algolagnic delight ?
what a sadist he's turned out to be!
"
"they've a curious culture, by jingo,
and their own quite peculiar lingo?
kelly's eye, lucky seven,
snakes alive, legs eleven:
they're the ladies who like to play bingo.
"
"in england they call it blue cheese
and devour just as much as they please.
from my book i can see
that in ""aust. and nz""
it's blue vein that's the phrase that agrees.
"
"when the water is mixed with the clay
to make pottery, then you may say
that you blunge, for the mixing
is blunging: you're fixing
to work with your blunger all day.
"
"two amoebas, where once there'd been one,
complained about how things were done.
their own parturition
was binary fission,
but sex would have been much more fun.
"
"munchausen was prone to tell lies.
when doubted, he'd just roll his eyes
and say, ""it's all true,
this tale i tell you,
though aggrandized a touch, i'd surmise.""
"
"all my books i must alphabetise,
sort my socks by their colour and size.
and my cd collection?
the index? perfection!
i can't help it ? i categorise.
"
"miss goldilocks, hungry for porridge,
went out in the forest to forage.
inside the bears' cottage
she found only pottage
and moldy old bear chow in storage.
"
"i tried that new botox cosmetic
to make my old mug less pathetic.
though i've nary a line,
i get called ""frankenstein""
'cause my brow looks like karloff's prosthetic.
"
"the bridal veil  cov'ring her face
was fashioned of billowing lace.
on unveiling her head,
the poor groom gasped with dread:
""i've married my great auntie grace!""
"
"""we've contracted a strange new bacillus,""
said my mother-in-law, amaryllis.
""aerobic and rod-shaped,
in chains that are odd-shaped,
this bacterium's certain to kill us!""
"
"take pity on poor richard randall.
his fever soared, too hot to handle,
but the worst part was when dick's
putrescent appendix
blew up like a foul roman candle.
"
"unequalled in fragrance and flavor,
basmati's a rice diners savor.
an indian korma
is never pro forma;
this dish with this rice curries favor.
"
"carbonnade is a fine belgian stew
made of beef cooked in beer; onions, too.
a chef who meanders
to kitchens in flanders
will learn how to make it for you.
"
"november is coming on soon,
chanting autumn's funereal tune.
as october lies dying,
i gaze at geese flying,
their stark silhouettes 'gainst the moon.
"
"in the area mediterranean,
a burial place subterranean
is a site called a catacomb.
i wonder, is that a home
a necrophobe might just go zany in?
"
"a knobbly-kneed calf tries to rise
as he looks on the world with new eyes.
with her nurturing tongue
mother cow bathes her young
in the pasture beneath sunlit skies.
"
"said the teachers, ""he's acting unruly in
his classes"" (my younger son julian).
typing ""hyperactivity
and bored not passivity,""
i started a google search (boolean).
"
"in the blackness of allhallows eve,
ghouls and goblins have gathered to weave
fearsome plots, fiendish schemes,
haunting spells, daunting dreams,
all to make disbelievers believe.
"
"""to walk without warmup's a gamble.""
i whined, ""i can just barely shamble!""
but a slow constitutional
proved restitutional.
no need for a drawn-out pre-amble.
"
"a cadaver once said with a squirm,
""so, i've come to the end of my term?
at this place where i said
i would not be caught dead,
i've become a boxed lunch for a worm.""
"
"i pour it on steak every day; it
can sure gussy up a filet! it
tastes great on a sandwich.
this catsup is grand, which
is why, when my cat wakes, i say it!
"
"folk remedies aren't an illusion.
to relieve a bad burn or contusion,
the healers of old
used the pot marigold,
the calendula, in an infusion.
"
"the wind, like a runaway train,
came barreling in with the rain.
as it roared through the town,
dying leaves scudded down,
and it whistled a wistful refrain.
"
"my parents, selecting the name
of each of us, warrant some blame.
my twin is enola,
and i'm called ebola,
but my brother, named sue, still found fame.
"
"the pumpkins i carve go awry
no matter how often i try.
i hear ""oh, my gosh!""-es
when folk see my squashes.
""just smash 'em and make pumpkin pie!""
"
"a halloween scrooge, nasty andy,
wants kids' trick-or-treating fun banned. he
will sit in the dark...
and just for a lark...
scream ""boo!"" and then snatch all their candy.
"
"it's a press conference. such electronics
to capture g. dubya's bushonics:
his syntax that's tangled,
his grammar that's mangled,
and that's not to mention his phonics!
"
"for the loved ones now gone?yours and mine?
and the friends that we've lost, we repine.
let us lift our champagne
and sing out a refrain
of that bittersweet song, ""auld lang syne.""
"
"in this serial book, the plot thickens
with each chapter, as bloodletting quickens.
on that tragic last day,
carton dies for darnay
in a tale of two cities by dickens.
"
"wrapping packages can be a feat,
for each box must be all nice and neat,
and then topped with a bow
that is tied up just so.
it's a wrap! now my gift is complete!
"
"mom says christmas trees have to be live,
so we'll set out one morning at five
and, to satisfy her,
cut a fine balsam fir,
tie it fast to the car top, and drive.
"
"as the dying year winds down and ends,
we all long to commune with our friends,
but when meeting is hard,
we rely on a card
for the holiday greetings it sends.
"
"four tall candles, a circle of pine
are arranged where we gather to dine.
our advent wreath's light
warms the chill winter night
as it welcomes the christ child divine.
"
"a b?che de no?l is a cake
that my mother from paris would bake
to be served christmas day
at our family buffet.
yes, a yule log is what she would make.
"
"her date (quite a loser, i hear)
tipped over his whole mug of beer.
he ruined her coat;
yes, that clod got her goat?
her luxurious cashmere, i fear.
"
"it was there that the young couple sought
out a place for a child to be brought
into this world of sadness
to bring peace and gladness.
in bethlehem wonders were wrought.
"
"when he had any chance to embarrass
polonius, hamlet would harass
the codger for prying
and shamelessly spying?
'til he skewered him right through the arras.
"
"an herb that's related to mint,
with blossoms of lavender tint,
the catnip's appealing;
it sends my cat reeling?
she swoons at the tiniest hint.
"
"the artwork of paul jackson pollock
began fairly calm and bucolic.
his later works rollicked;
on canvas he frolicked,
his style more abstract and symbolic.
"
"said catherine, ""enough badinage!
it's time for my nightly massage.
my love, hurry hither;
sit down; rub down my withers.
i'm tight and quite sore from dressage.""
"
"the lesser dog, each starry night,
will herald the greater dog's light.
the bright star procyon,
northeast of orion,
calls the dog star to come into sight.
"
"the inverness hags, it would seem,
is macbeth's very own baseball team.
for them, foul is fair,
fair is foul?they don't care.
they're just witch hitters letting off steam.
"
"her doorway was simply too small,
so they cut a large hole in the wall.
a deliv'ry caesarian
was performed for miss marian,
lest her baby grand sit in the hall.
"
"a pilgrimage held in the spring
gave chaucer his setting to sing
his canterbury verses?
some paeans, some curses?
of commoner, cleric, and king.
"
"in a skirt with a felt appliqu?
of a poodle in soft shades of grey,
a pony-tailed miss
might be given a kiss
and be ""bobby socks queen for a day""!
"
"at the seaside a clever promoter
sold headwear to each weekend floater.
""there's just one thing that's clear
in my retail career:
don't say 'cap size' when fitting a boater!""
"
"has that chanticleer romanced the chickens?
have those biddies become easy pickin's?
candle eggs with a light?
there are signs there, all right,
that that rooster's been raising the dickens!
"
"when androcles, in the arena,
saw leo, his face became green. ""a
repast of me now?
i'd make tough lion chow.
won't the audience please throw purina?""
"
"there surely was no misconstruing
when grandma went in for her bluing.
her hairstylist murph
made her look like a smurf,
so gram and her lawyer are suing.
"
"bo peep and boy blue just got fired.
just how were those kids ever hired?
all her sheep won't come home;
in the corn his cows roam.
blow your horn, kid! those beasts should be byred!
"
"it's element number three-three,
the metalloid arsenic. you'll see
if it's paired with old lace,
men fall flat on their face,
not to mention madame bovary.
"
"he informed the girl, right from the start:
""your garlic breath keeps us apart.""
she swore off aioli
and mom's guacamole
to capture count dracula's heart.
"
"with a bobby pin, sue can go far.
she can do up her hair like a star!
she can fix broken clocks,
pick everyone's locks,
even hot-wire her neighbor's new car.
"
"a vegetable juicing machine
gave my sister too much carotene.
her skin slowly grew
a bit orange in hue.
now we light her up each hallowe'en.
"
"some cake bakers' jewelry is crum-bling;
singing mendicants might select hum-bling.
kids leave mothers mum-bling;
check out that drunk's rum-bling;
and a tramp won't be seen without bum-bling.
"
"baked alaska's a pleasure to eat,
though making it's really a feat.
its fair banks of meringue
end a meal with a bang!
(did juneau it's my favorite treat?)
"
"the vicar, who finds vespers boring,
is spied by the altar boy, snoring.
he nests in the apse
near the altar for naps,
in the wing where the church dome is soaring.
"
"like the claws of a fierce bird of prey,
the thing clung to his nose that sad day.
the accipiter's shield
helped his schnoz till it healed,
though he looked pretty weird, truth to say.
"
"when the kid saw his sis start to doze
in her pasta, he suddenly froze.
then the boy cachinnated,
laughing loudly, elated,
and shot chocolate milk from his nose.
"
"most fearsome of all of the flails
is the cat ? that's the cat o' nine tails.
the tar began stripping,
just dreading his whipping.
it took the wind out of his sails.
"
"to impress me, my gourmet-type date
placed our order: ""it's truly first rate!""
well, his high-class carpaccio?
primo garbaccio:
raw, oily meat on a plate!
"
"on a picnic i took a young redhead
and arranged outdoor fare on a bedspread.
there, under a willow,
she sought out a pillow
and fell fast asleep in the bread spread.
"
"judge victor's last obiter dictum
had some casual comments that ticked 'em.
so they fetched their constrictor
and angrily sicced 'er
on victor, the snake's latest victim.
"
"the lovely cantatas of bach'll
enthrall me like strains of the pachel-
bel canon. their sweetness
lends peace and completeness
and soothes me in times of debacle.
"
"the stuff makes her feel high and mighty?
the water of life, aqua vitae?
till they come to arrest her
with an alcohol tester
on highway 13, in her nightie.
"
"anacondas don't take well to teasing.
they retaliate mainly by seizing
some buffoon by the waist?
like a tube of toothpaste?
right smack in the middle, and squeezing.
"
"think of celadon, pale, milky green,
like a honeydew's flesh that you've seen,
or such delicate things
as a luna moth's wings
or the skin of a fresh lima bean.
"
"monsignor pierre's unendurable!
he's a dangerous man with his thurible.
when that priest swings his censer,
i wish skull bones were denser.
that accursed old curate's incurable!
"
"avgolemono: greek chicken soup.
cook a little or feed a large group.
rice, lemons, and eggs
make a dish that has legs?
from the paddy, the grove, and the coop!
"
"evil loki shot balder the good
with an arrow of mistletoe wood.
when her cherished son died,
all the tears frigga cried
turned to berries of white where she stood.
"
"cabinet pudding, an english dessert
in a mold, baked by great uncle bert,
has dried fruit, ladyfingers,
liqueur whose taste lingers...
oh, darn! now it's spilled down my shirt!
"
"york and lancaster chose as their flower
the rose, sign of grandeur and power.
but the dear old queen mother
selected another?
the camellia adorned her last hour.
"
"new york city! times square! old year's end!
come along! bundle up! bring a friend!
watch the new year's eve ball
that bedazzles us all!
look up there! it's begun to descend!
"
"that frightening place, lake avernus,
belches out noxious fumes like a furnace!
wrote virgil the poet,
""look out down below! it
leads straight to the hellfires that burn us!""
"
"in a myth you may read of strange creatures,
half human, half goat in their features,
and sooner or later,
you'll see the term satyr
or capripede?so say my teachers.
"
"here are barfulous things in a list:
first, a pus-filled sebaceous-type cyst,
summer roadkill's putrescence,
a diaper's rank essence?
these all make me retch! get the gist?
"
"growled the tiger to siegfried, ""my boy,
won't you nosh on this morsel of roy?
i'm sure that you'll state
anthropophagy's gr-r-r-eat?
a true epicurean joy!""
"
"a risqu? homosexual, darryl,
at christmas decided to carol.
""were it not seen as rude
i'd 'fa la' in the nude;
i'll instead don my gayest apparel.""
"
"caruncles a turkey bedeck.
these are growths on his head and his neck
that attract all the hens
as he struts through their pens,
but i find them as ugly as heck!
"
"those nonagenarians aren't doddery!
why, they still love to sing and make pottery!
so they gather each day
just to croon and throw clay
and take pleasure in close camaraderie.
"
"hey, it's big bird! let's give him a cheer!
but his feathers are molting, i fear.
though it sounds a bit quirky,
they come from a turkey.
so for him, it's thanksgiving all year!
"
"in ibsen, my friend is a dabbler,
but she's also a snoop and a babbler.
i remember the day
when we went to a play
and she gossiped throughout hedda gabler.
"
"i'm a pig, says my mom, since i bibble.
should i dine like a mouse and just nibble?
if my manners improve,
then she won't make me move,
and she'll serve me some real food, not kibble.
"
"all his life sydney carton was cursed.
of unfortunates, i rank him first.
for a girl his heart bled,
then the man lost his head.
the best of times? more like the worst!
"
"congrats to our own waterrocks! she
has earned our acclaim through her moxie,
which took her with ease
through the gcses.
hang that medal up high with epoxy!
"
"these cataracts cloud up my vision.
i can no longer see with precision.
i see halos round light,
and i'm sightless at night,
so my lenses are due for excision.
"
"with the chill and the damp and the rain,
i'll be sighing a painful refrain
when red swellings appear
on a finger or ear.
they're chilblains, cruel wintertime's bane.
"
"brother john, that last lenten meal stunk!
why, the cod and potatoes were junk!
pray don't send our refectory
on a downward trajectory.
be a better fish friar/chip monk!
"
"the cardinal chirped out a groan.
seems his olive-green missus had flown.
and his topknot of red?
it lay flat to his head.
he was crestfallen, downcast, alone.
"
"an old neighborhood diner chef, joe,
is renowned for his fine escargots.
mismatched teacups and mugs
hold these buttery slugs,
topped with garlic and aged french bordeaux.
"
"on our feeder the chickadee perches.
we see his black cap as he searches
for some kind of feed,
maybe sunflower seed,
then he flutters away to our birches.
"
"the anteater went on a tear,
downing fire ants, just on a dare.
her royal ant highness
flew right up his sinus
and grilled his snout medium rare.
"
"the scots have a colorful word
that mimics a sound we've all heard
made by somebody who's
wearing waterlogged shoes.
ever chorked in wet boots? sounds absurd!
"
"vance anteater gobbled some ants,
belched loudly, unfastened his pants,
and downed some ant-acid.
his stomach grew placid,
and vance was all set for romance.
"
"an anteater stuck his long snout
in an anthill and snorted about.
her royal ant highness
was sucked up his sinus,
obstructing his breathing, no doubt.
"
"having gobbled up dozens of ants,
an anteater loosened his pants.
when he downed some ant-acid,
his stomach grew placid
and ready for more ants, perchance.
"
"the great bells in the steeple are tolling
with sonorous, thunderous rolling,
and the sleighbells are jingling,
with our voices commingling?
the gift of a savior extolling.
"
"each year towards the end of november,
a calendar meant for december
appeared on the  wall
of my family's front hall?
it's something i'll always remember.
"
"it's the cavalcade (march) of the kings,
a parade for spain's children that brings
gifts they long to receive
on epiphany eve
from the magi, as everyone sings.
"
"in creating my christmas decor,
i string cranberry garlands galore.
i use holly with berries
as red as ripe cherries,
and mistletoe hangs o'er the door.
"
"the cascabel pepper does well
in spicing up foods hot as hell.
when the outside is dried,
the seeds rattle inside
like the pea in a bright, jingling bell.
"
"high atop a magnificent pine,
mother's angel sat, looking divine.
each porcelain wing
was a delicate thing,
her face sculpted fragile and fine.
"
"in the stillness, our small congregation
sat breathless in rapt expectation,
till the choirboys before us
burst forth in full chorus:
""alleluiah!"" in glad jubilation.
"
"in the square in the center of town
stood the tree in her snow-spangled gown.
high atop perched a star
to be seen from afar,
as a radiant beacon and crown.
"
"all bedecked with fresh evergreen swags,
our abode looks like those in the mags;
but you know what we'll do
when the holiday's through?
shove the ugly, dry, dead stuff in bags.
"
"all the fireplace logs were ablaze
as poor santa emerged from the haze.
with his whiskers aflame,
he was sorry he came,
and he sighed, ""it's been one of those days!""
"
"the snow had charged in like a beast
(it had blown for a week from the east).
i was housebound, i found,
drifted in all around.
then came stillness?the wild winds had ceased.
"
"on a heath in old scotland appeared
to macbeth a dark coven of weird
sisters three. could it be?
did his eyes rightly see?
each one's chin wore a thin, scraggly beard.
"
"to the edge of the stage the moor crept
as the ill-fated heroine slept.
then in iambic verses
he muttered his curses?
his asides?and the audience wept.
"
"from camellia sinensis comes tea,
a most civilized beverage at three.
sipped with sugar and milk,
it goes down just like silk,
say the british, and i must agree.
"
"said the nun to the priest, ""don't be lewd!
you will not say a mass in the nude!
get up off that hassock
and put on your cassock.
who cares if you're not in the mood?
"
"the caddow or jackdaw's nefarious,
a crowlike bird, often gregarious.
two flew to the altar
with scarcely a falter
and cawed at the priest, ""won't you marry us?""
"
"to apostrophize, talk to a chair
just as if there were somebody there,
or address a small star:
""tell me, please, what you are,
and i trust you won't mind if i stare.""
"
"an american loaf made with yeast,
anadama bread's from the northeast.
bake a flour-cornmeal dough
that is sweetened just so
with molasses in bread pans, well greased.
"
"place your eggs in a hole in the ground
with some lime, salt, and ash. make a mound.
then in ten days times ten,
dig them all up and then
serve your century eggs all around.
"
"ad feminam are his attacks.
is it balance or reason he lacks?
""let women be presidents?
i'd sooner change residence!""
so say his misogynist tracts.
"
"a racing stripe streaks down each side
as he speeds to his hole, where he'll hide
and empty his pouches
of seeds while he crouches.
the chipmunk then scurries outside.
"
"the castaway robinson crusoe,
alone on his island, felt blue, so
he acquired a mate
on his very first date.
why, he even gave friday a trousseau.
"
"when it's time for my chow to chow down,
we have lunch at tang's palace downtown.
downing chow mein with chopsticks
is one of his top tricks.
he's such an insufferable clown.
"
"this mushroom, the wild chanterelle,
has a flavor i've come to love well.
its bright yellow hue
adds pizzazz to my stew,
plus a delicate apricot smell.
"
"""dear bunny, i don't want to beg,
but i'd sure like a chocolate egg?
an egg which, when broken,
reveals a small token:
a chocolate chicken! love, meg.""
"
"he's a cereal killer, they say?
that dread villain they call ""special k.""
he scrunched cap'n crunch
as he sat down to brunch
at a family breakfast buffet.
"
"""i can cast any broken bone faster,""
said astor. ""my knowledge is vaster.""
but his casts? a disaster!
just masses of plaster!
so pass on this blasted past ""master.""
"
"for my garden club luncheon buffet,
i was planning a goat cheese souffl?,
but no, i won't risk it.
they might just tsk tsk it,
and i'd have to whisk it away.
"
"""desert islands are not what they seem,""
sighed the castaway, lost in his dream.
crusoe missed his home chef,
but then, ""tgif,
for with friday, life's mangos and cream!""
"
"what a scaredy cat! look here, miss vera!
there's nothing that you need to fear! a
big goat-lion-snake?
you're not even awake!
it's a nightmare, your fiery chimera!
"
"cinderella slipped off her glass shoe,
which was covered with weird pumpkin goo.
with her finger (right index),
she sprayed it with windex.
now that one's invisible, too.
"
"it's the city of brotherly love?
philadelphia! when push comes to shove,
ask rocky balboa.
he surely won't know a
metropolis he's prouder of.
"
"from montmartre that chill winter's night,
i beheld a most magical sight:
the cityscape's gleam,
like a fairy-tale dream?
all of paris, the city of light.
"
"""formed from ash, unto ash she returns,""
chants the priest as sam's wife's body burns.
""you'll no longer need ice,
so i have here some nice
cineraria, funeral urns.""
"
"it's the circus, a show in three rings!
in the first, a trapeze artist swings;
and in ring number two?
a parade from the zoo.
in ring three, trampolinists do springs.
"
"entomologists better be wary
of invading a formicary?very!
this small, roundish dome
is an ant's home sweet home
and a nursery for ova she'll bury.
"
"it is said in the old children's rhyme
that the rat takes the cheese every time.
but wait! hold the phone:
if the cheese stands alone,
did the cheese kill the rat? what a crime!
"
"when in need of a quick chocolate fix,
i'll tear open a kit kat or twix
or i'll grab me some reese's
(i love 'em to pieces!)
and add m&m's to the mix.
"
"milk chocolate's my ultimate weakness.
how i yearn for its flavor's uniqueness!
for a snack or dessert
could a little bit hurt?
it just adds to my figure's plump sleekness!
"
"chain a bear by its neck in a ring;
now declaw and defang the poor thing;
then set dogs to attack it,
to tear it and wrack it.
that's bear-baiting?sport for a king!
"
"why buy dishwasher soap like cascade
when my rottweiler comes to my aid?
he catillates dishes
with tongue-sweeping swishes.
what's better, he never gets paid.
"
"said the leftover half cornish hen,
""well, it's back to the icebox. that's when
i'll be taking a nap
in aluminum wrap,
and it's curses, i'm foiled again!""
"
"in my yard we have squirrels?acrobatic!
their breathtaking stunts are dramatic
as they leap tree to tree,
bushy tails swinging free,
but i wish they'd stay out of my attic!
"
"the small asterisk* mark is a star
that will let readers know that there are
further facts, information,
or full explanation,
without which they may not get far.
"
"in our basement dwell predator rats,
kept at bay with aluminum bats.
we were quite unaware
that they lived 'neath the stair,
till they'd eaten the dog and two cats.
"
"the artichoke, kin to the thistle,
near its core contains many a bristle.
the eating is rough
if you don't trash this stuff,
for the heart should be clean as a whistle.
"
"here's some camouflage melon to munch?
looks like frog skin, but makes a fine brunch!
my daughter's inhibited
(she swears the thing ribbited),
so there's plenty left over for lunch.
"
"the glutton, a man known to binge,
was feeling a ravenous twinge:
""there's a huge picnic sign!
this is my time to dine!""
in small letters? ""a drama by inge.""
"
"on a fishing and picnicking date,
he was stunned by his binge-eating mate.
she devoured what they caught,
gobbled all that they'd brought
(that's including the earthworms for bait).
"
"poor mona! her sinuses flowed.
she felt listless and dull, and it showed.
she sighed, without brio,
""you can't paint me, leo.
i've caught a da vinci (sniff) code.""
"
"if you want to make veggies au gratin,
some breadcrumbs and cheese must be gotten.
a french language fan
will prefer oh grah-tan.
just don't skimp on sharp cheese; put a lot in!
"
"the bosc: russet pear with long neck.
press it gently its ripeness to check.
since its flesh, firm and sweet,
is a succulent treat,
pick this fruit by the bushel or peck.
"
"gold chrysanthemums spangle my garden
just before the fall frosts come to harden
the ground. all around
they are found to abound?
autumn's coins to buy springtime's fresh pardon.
"
"when he ordered the ch?teaubriand,
he thought it above and beyond,
but much to his grief,
i've never liked beef.
and tossed the stuff right in the pond.
"
"in a mold that is shaped like a pail,
lined with sponge cake by dear auntie gail,
is bavarian cream,
just as light as a dream?
charlotte russe, a dessert that can't fail!
"
"said wilbur to charlotte, ""you gave your
devotion and aid. you're my savior!
your web saved my life
from the threat of the knife.
i applaud your heroic behavior!""
"
"though the funeral home tried to mask it,
an effluvium seeped from her casket.
though they sprayed clouds of glade,
sadly, not a soul stayed
till her casket was fit with a gasket.
"
"when my dad filched the treats from my basket,
my mom came nigh blowing a gasket.
jelly beans, chocolate eggs?
why, they somehow got legs.
had he gobbled them all? please don't ask it.
"
"i adjudge him one pudgy curmudgeon,
that judge who my case will be judgin'.
he's now in high dudgeon
with the law as his bludgeon.
i'll be trudgin' to jail. he's not budgin'.
"
"phoebe's giving a series of chalk talks
on the best way to locate and stalk hawks.
on the blackboard she scrawls
while the minute hand crawls.
i believe her next topic is ""auk squawks.""
"
"an immense croquembouche he erected
on a day fifty guests were expected.
p?te ? choux in a tower
took many an hour?
the pastry chef's talent perfected.
"
"sighed a salmon, ""i cannot see well
'cause my vision is not parallel.
yes, i fear i've a cockeye;
what's more, i'm a sockeye,
so reading the fine print is hell.""
"
"on a fresh french baguette it's the crust
that can make this fine foodstuff a must.
like a soldier with hash marks,
this bread wears its slash marks,
leaving all lesser loaves in the dust.
"
"ascend filbert steps if you will
to the summit of telegraph hill.
then continue your climb
for a view that's sublime
up coit tower, a consummate thrill.
"
"the ship of the desert's a beast
that can navigate through the dry east.
the camel arrives
without water?survives,
requiring the least of the least.
"
"where the opposite brims meet at joints,
cocked hats have just two or three points.
if two points, they're bicorne,
if three, then they're tricorne,
and one point?  the dunce it anoints!
"
"from their argentine winter vacation,
they return, seeking rest, procreation.
soon san juan capistrano
sits awash in their guano
as the cliff swallows end their migration.
"
"""can you not find a sure way to cure us
of this dastardly tapeworm coenurus?
it has given us staggers,
more deadly than daggers!""
baa-ed the sheep, ""farmer jones, reassure us!""
"
"summer rain brought a lullaby nigh,
imploring the babe not to cry.
the tattoo, soft and deep,
soothed the infant to sleep?
a cradlesong sung by the sky.
"
"a coccid's a bug that stays still. it
disguises itself lest you kill it.
if you're in its proximity
it maintains anonymity,
sucking plant juices in, just to fill it.
"
"for a codpiece my crotch fairly begs
(mother nature left me with the dregs!);
but i'll never be found
in the town running round
with a cold wad of cod 'twixt my legs!
"
"little andy took crayons to bed.
(on the top bunk the boy lays his head.)
once my ceiling was pristine,
now it's more like the sistine,
scrawled in waxen tones, yellow and red.
"
"having given her harsh diagnosis,
with cod-liver oil ma would dose us.
guts flip-flopped, we retched
as we cursed and we kvetched
and we reeked of our fish halitosis.
"
"on remembrance day, poppy bedecked
is this monument. pay your respect.
lay a wreath, say a prayer
at the cenotaph, where
we all honor the dead and reflect.
"
"on the shores of a sound called the puget
lives a geoduck clam that's so huge it
might weigh fifteen pounds,
and its life span astounds?
until harvest, when farmers deluge it.
"
"in a milkweed field, summer resurges
while a creature obeys nature's urges.
a chrysalis green
(spots of gold, waxen sheen)
is her chamber. a monarch emerges!
"
"doc bunyan finds footcare erotic,
support hose and footwear exotic.
since chiropody moves him,
he says it behooves him
to get into inserts orthotic.
"
"a tobacconist opened a store
and positioned, not far from the door,
an indian of wood.
in all weathers he stood,
with cigars in his fist, twelve or more.
"
"to the troll pled small billy goat gruff,
i'm too little; you won't have enough.
let me cross this old bridge. it's
no fun to eat midgets.
eat big billy?meaty, not tough.
"
"the republic of rome's been upset,
discontent as a people can get.
romans cry, ""bread and circuses!
pray do not irk us!"" is
rome getting softer? you bet!
"
"in my search for a library book,
on the spine of each volume i look
for the small numbered call mark
that's dewey's great hallmark;
then i spirit the book to my nook.
"
"in the orpheum, posted backstage,
is a call board where theatre folk gauge
when it's time to audition,
the price of admission,
and the lighting crew's hourly wage.
"
"to do cleaning, the woman comes monday,
so my mom does the housework on sunday.
""i can't have bess gawking
at dirt! she'll be talking!""
so bessie thinks monday is fun day.
"
"stay snug on your cradleboard, sleep,
my little one, slumbering deep.
soon you'll run wild and free,
but for now ride with me,
and a vigilant watch i shall keep.
"
"on good friday i think of god's son
and the suffering my savior has done
in redeeming my soul,
so i'm eating a roll
that is marked with his sign ? hot cross bun.
"
"when you husk ears of corn, get 'em clean
so there's no trace of corn silk between
or around each plump kernel.
that stuff is infernal!
(. . . when it's stuck in my bridgework, i mean.)
"
"robert weeps as sue's brother appears,
but those drops are just crocodile tears.
""did i run down your sister?
gee whiz! thought i'd missed her!""
then it's ""cheers!"" as he downs a few beers.
"
"in my car on a calm summer morn,
i awoke?""who's he trying to warn?""
i had fallen asleep
at the wheel, so the beep
was my face pressing down on the horn.
"
"he's the claviger (person who sees
to security, keeper of keys).
he is much like a sentry,
so if you want entry,
request, ""let me in, if you please.""
"
"any cat, when she's drowsy or dozy,
seeks a warm place that's comfy and cozy.
so to your chair the feline
makes a jet-propelled beeline
for a cat nap?she won't simply mosey.
"
"the diminishing weight of the maya tribe
made their witch doctors issue a diatribe:
""no more diet tribe treats?
load carbos! cram sweets!
quit weight-watching, lest we be shy a tribe!""
"
"i have studied it?diabetology
(it's an offshoot of endocrinology);
and i've found diabetes
will sign no peace treaties
nor offer the slightest apology.
"
"what has happened to old-fashioned fairy tales?
where's the grim in the grimm brothers' scary tales?
every disneyfied story?
appealing, not gory?
let's bring back those bone-chilling, hairy tales!
"
"it envelops me, toe tips to head,
but my diving suit fills me with dread?
in the sea it springs leaks
(mr. verne of them speaks
in his book?twenty thousand, he said).
"
"those veggies you boiled? odoriferous!
and i'm certain they must be cruciferous.
if they taste like they smell
i'd condemn them to hell.
brussels sprouts?nothing short of luciferous!
"
"a diptych from far back in time
(two panels now shrouded in grime)
features martyrs and saints
in both carvings and paints.
this altarpiece?truly sublime!
"
"disingenuous comments she'll make
mean i trust her as much as a snake.
like assault and then battery,
she charms, seeming chattery;
it's flattery?faker than fake.
"
"golden distelfink, bird of the dutch
(pennsylvania, not holland so much),
is a sign to importune
sound health and good fortune,
drawn in hex signs on barn sides and such.
"
"my neighbor's son, two-year-old steve,
played christ in our creche christmas eve.
young stevie went toddling
and peed in his swaddling.
our mary chewed gum, i believe.
"
"o.j. carves up the bird with his knife
at the fanciest feast of his life,
getting ready to deal
with a sharpening steel,
after practicing first on his wife.
"
"the potbellied prince had a scare
while ascending rapunzel's fine hair.
""i don't want your hair longer;
ropy dreadlocks are stronger.
my additional poundage they'll bear.""
"
"my grandma's a knickknack collector,
a trinket and tchotchke detector;
but she likes them for free. below
coats go the bibelots.
she shoplifts, though none will suspect her.
"
"marge simpson and i say, ""beware:
don't dishevel our shocking blue hair!""
(on the beaufort wind scale
it's a number ten gale
that our well-lacquered upsweeps will bear.)
"
"canadians banting and best
sought a hormone?a drug to arrest
the disease diabetes.
they'd heard folks' entreaties.
with insulin, prayers were addressed.
"
"disappointment: a sense of chagrin,
or a feeling of sadness within.
it's what caused god to grieve
when his adam and eve
first defied him?original sin.
"
"disapproval appeared on dad's face:
""i refuse to concede in this case.
you'll wear diapers no more
(son, you're now twenty-four).
why, you'll never be trained at this pace!""
"
"it was quite a distressful affair
when the head lice infested my hair.
i've dis-tressed (my pate's shaven).
now critters are cravin'
more welcoming digs, so beware!
"
"mother's kitchen, in sad disarray,
was in no state at all for display.
items spilled from the drawers,
splatters covered the floors,
and the tea towels were tattletale grey!
"
"to divellicate objects?his mission;
to dismantle things?that's his ambition:
maim a butterfly's wings,
ravage delicate things,
send fragility straight to perdition.
"
"our class, which is often disruly,
made a pact to act up, very coolly.
we'd cheat and we'd swear,
planting gum in girls' hair?
but bernard wouldn't dare, the old stoolie!
"
"jaguar roadsters? my own holy grail.
daddy bought one; he got it on sale.
near his car door i'd linger,
but it slammed on my finger.
i'm afraid it'll cost me a nail.
"
"most celebs can't do much with a rhyme,
and with limericks they won't waste their time.
stallone, who played rambo?
i beat him at crambo,
and the last george bush sonnet? a crime!
"
"behold, if you will, friends, the male
of the small california quail,
each example of whom,
on his head, sports a plume
like a comma of black or a sail.
"
"the old salt told a whale of a tale
(sturm und drang) of a crang in a gale;
of the foolish landlubber
who'd stripped it of blubber;
of a long and tempestuous sail.
"
"an eskimo bride made a stew
for her whale-hunting husband, namu.
he found the meat rubbery,
fishy, and blubbery
and oh so delicious to chew.
"
"if your eyelids are matted with goo,
and your whites have a bright pinkish hue,
and?ouch! jeepers creepers!?
there's sand in your peepers,
conjunctivitis has visited you.
"
"the cochlea's part of the ear
that enables its owner to hear.
like a snail shell it's wound
for transmitting the sound
of a hound or ""i love you, my dear.""
"
"the cottonmouth: venomous snake?
not my orifice when i awake,
nor a mouth when it's wide
with a dentist inside
or pink candy a circus might make.
"
"fast asleep when the cockerel awoke me,
i gave my poor husband a poke. he
went straight for the axe,
gave the bird several whacks?
now it's fresh rooster stew with enoki.
"
"to a fire he was surely no stranger,
not granger, the bold forest ranger.
at one sign of a spark,
he'd warn yellowstone park
of a clear and severe present danger.
"
"janice weeps every time that she eats,
though the foods may be favorite sweets.
these are crocodile tears;
but this syndrome appears
to be something that medicine treats.
"
"clever cactus wren's home's a saguaro.
from a cholla this smart bird will borrow
its long, stinging spines,
and with these the bird lines
her nest's entry, to enemies' sorrow.
"
"he had thought it might tickle her fancy,
so he tried chiromancy on nancy.
said he, ""you'll have palaces!""
said she, ""those are calluses.""
his palm reading made nancy antsy.
"
"my cubbyhole's little and dark.
it's the perfectest place i can park
and conceal stuff from mum,
like my abc gum,
my bugs, and my egg from a lark.
"
"this gal's often found on the street,
and it's there on street corners she'll  meet
and escort clientele,
male and female as well?
the crossing guard, walking her beat.
"
"to heft all this school stuff is cumbersome,
and daddy will struggle and lumber some
unusual things
that his dear daughter brings.
when he reaches the dorm, dad will slumber some.
"
"in cursive she's penning her story
of trysts with three dashing signori.
her penmanship nourishes
purple-prose flourishes
in curlicued, loop-the-loop glory.
"
"a cucumber's best when it's seedless,
so don't suffer distress when that's needless.
the effects may be drastic
and decidedly gastric.
forewarned is forearmed ? don't be heedless.
"
"the cactus mouse lives where it's dry,
on ledges or cliff faces high.
no doubt tiny droppings
near rocky outcroppings
are clues that this rodent is nigh.
"
"it's the morn, a ridiculous hour.
tempers flare; dispositions are sour.
when moods are so glum, bake
a blueberry crumb cake,
topped with butter, brown sugar, and flour.
"
"a daguerreotype sits on the table
of great grandmother decked out in sable.
great grandpa stands near
as the two of them peer
at the camera, as still as they're able.
"
"the cat's swallowed up the canary
and is proud of the deed he's done?very!
i'd just love to erase
that smug grin on his face!
he's left only the feathers to bury.
"
"if robin hood had had curare,
rich enemies would have been sorry.
in the final analysis,
they'd all have paralysis?
no challenge at all as a quarry.
"
"as a cub scout, matt's learned to camp out
and fillet and pan fry a fresh trout.
he can tie a fine knot,
give first aid on the spot,
and track all the brownies about.
"
"the chimera was hungry, and that
caused an argument. snake wanted rat.
passive goat refereed
so that lion could feed
upon wildebeest. ""gnu!"" roared the cat.
"
"that new java joint just down the street
is the place where my friends and i meet.
if you go, ask for emma.
her espresso with crema
leaves a mustache that cannot be beat!
"
"a wader (egyptian), the plover,
is reputed to go undercover
as a crocodile dentist,
or hygienist (apprenticed).
near croc mouths the bird tends to hover.
"
"zirconia (cubic): attractive,
a mineral highly refractive.
this true-diamond simulant?
no future-wife stimulant!
you'll find that your gal's non-reactive.
"
"when creating a fine b?chamel,
be prepared to stir long and stir well,
lest your elegant cream sauce,
your smooth, silken dream sauce,
turn lumpy and clumpy as hell.
"
"though to menace i'm hardly a stranger,
don't scream if i'm not in its range, or
alert me: ""a fire!""
if the peril's not dire.
could this threat be a clear, present danger?
"
"his watchful eyes focused and steely,
he toiled up the tall campanile.
as the old priest ascended,
the tolling bells blended
and shadows fell swiftly, surreally.
"
"in the tale, why did she get top billing?
her prince did the saving and killing!
although sleeping beauty
was surely a cutie,
she snored while he fought, merely chilling!
"
"cardin's a designer whose name
in the fashion world wins him acclaim
for designs futuristic?
complex to simplistic,
and no two creations the same.
"
"the chihuahua's diminutive size
and the soulfulness deep in his eyes
make this puppy a pet
that you might want to get,
though his temperament won't win a prize.
"
"scheherezade told all the males
her exotic arabian tales?
one thousand and one.
if you thought those were fun,
catch her dance of the shimmering veils.
"
"rumplestiltskin spun straw into gold,
using alchemy rare to behold;
and midas the king
did a similar thing,
though they ended up badly, i'm told.
"
"the apple's a dangerous fruit.
whether eve ate an apple is moot,
but as for snow white,
who took one tiny bite,
downing apples was hardly astute.
"
"alice may, five years old, likes to host
fancy teas for the friends she loves most.
there are benjamin bear,
anna doll (without hair),
and big pig (he likes cinnamon toast)?
"
"my class, towards the end of the year,
is a bit of a circus, i fear.
i'm the ringmaster who
takes control of this zoo,
now that june graduation is near!
"
"fingered citron: a redolent fruit
that in tropical places takes root.
often called buddha's fingers,
it has fragrance that lingers,
so it's offered on altars, sans doute.
"
"a diaphanous mist cloaks the glades,
blurring edges and softening shades
to the gauziest hues:
pinks and lilacs and blues.
in a twinkling, the foggy light fades.
"
"a dog flea's one helluva pest.
it denies a poor pup any rest.
while he's biting and scratching,
new eggs may be hatching.
he's a holiday inn to each guest.
"
"the dog-rose, once used to make tea,
is a good source of vitamin c;
from its hips comes the drink.
blooms of white or pale pink
grace these plants by the woodland and lea.
"
"annoying us all on our flight,
a crass passenger hacked through the night.
her dry smoker's cough
sure was ticking me off:
""won't you next time, instead, fly a kite?""
"
"i can tell you've been hitting the whiskey.
your actions have gone beyond frisky.
you can't call them coltish;
they're foolish and doltish
and more than a little bit risky.
"
"in martinis, a nice dry vermouth
is the greatest thing going, in truth.
pour a fine dry champagne
and i'll never complain,
but dry milk? serving that stuff's uncouth!
"
"after dinner i must do the dishes.
i wash them with grand, sudsy swishes.
of the sink i am queen
as i rinse china clean
of  the danishes, fish, and knishes.
"
"""xerostomia,"" doctors opined,
""dry mouth of a troublesome kind.
it's been known to deprive a
poor guy of saliva,
like  desiccants' drying, you'll find.""
"
"kate was dating a dashing dragoon,
all resplendent in vibrant maroon.
but the vain russian count
appeared wed to his mount
till she bridled the horsey buffoon.
"
"for his undies he chose dotted swiss
in a pale, spotted pink called ""first kiss.""
it might make a fine curtain,
but for drawers i'm not certain
his buddies won't call him a sis!
"
"disappointment upon him descended
when his mother said, ""isn't this splendid?
here's your first big-boy suit!
don't you think that it's cute?""
there his birthday essentially ended.
"
"pop was baking drop biscuits galore
when he dropped them on mother's clean floor.
now the dough hit the fan:
""drop from teaspoon to pan!
i won't scrape up your mess anymore!""
"
"if your wash gets a pitying look
and your kids vote you ""world's poorest cook,""
here's advice anapestic:
in science (domestic)
take a course, pass a class, read a book.
"
"when i take a quick look at his mug,
is he more of a boxer or pug?
features all disarranged,
he is dog-faced?much changed
by the damaging slug of that thug!
"
"in the law 'twas cemented, yea, mortared:
a traitor was drawn and then quartered.
he was hanged till near dead,
then deprived of his head.
the courts in old england so ordered.
"
"in the dress circle opening night,
i was dazzled by each lady's bright
and satiny gown.
as the houselights came down,
all the magic of mozart took flight.
"
"""the sun and the dog star are near,""
said the ancients. ""the heat's cause is clear.
it's hardly mysterious;
just blame the star sirius
for dog days, the hot time of year.""
"
"to the dog kennel fifi must go
while we're off on our tour of bordeaux.
we're just praying that she's
not infested by fleas
by some un-licensed, un-neutered beau!
"
"documentaries frequently show
painful truths we prefer not to know:
what america eats,
rampant crime on the streets,
or the most recent medical woe.
"
"i was launched from his chair like a rocket
when doc clodhopper probed my dry socket.
he'd extracted my tooth,
but no clot formed, in truth,
leaving naught but a vast, exposed pocket.
"
"in her dressing gown, cindy will wait,
watching minutes crawl by till her date.
""won't you hand me my dress?
does my hair look a mess?""
but, alas, her prince charming is late.
"
"from laundry costs heaven defend us.
the price of hot water? tremendous!
now i don't waste my time
and spend nary a dime,
but my dry-cleaning bill is stupendous!
"
"what a hassle just taking a shower!
first the power went out for an hour.
next my dressing gown ripped,
and the leaky pipes dripped.
even worse, there's the soap scum to scour!
"
"oh, a dragonfly's filigreed wings
are such airy and gossamer things.
like kaleidoscopes' shimmer,
they glisten and glimmer?
what nuance the morning sun brings!
"
"for a drama queen, life's the big screen;
she can make any issue a scene.
any matter of sex
becomes oedipus rex,
any cat scratch, a case of gangrene.
"
"drop earrings on delicate wires
enkindle admirers' desires.
these glittering globes
dangle down from the lobes,
snaring men in their spiraling gyres.
"
"when the groom tried to lay down the law,
his new bride punched him square in the jaw,
and without even blinking,
she growled, ""now try drinking
your wedding buffet through a straw!""
"
"ms. godiva, equestrienne fair,
is a sight on her high-stepping mare.
i would pin a corsage
on her whole entourage
for dressage, but the question is: where?
"
"as a cougar,  i'm less than a ten,
and i don't look like barbie (more ken).
though i'd like to look youthful,
to be wholly truthful,
i'll never see thirty again.
"
"thanks to gravity, water will wend
its way downward and splendidly blend
with arabica beans
in ingenious machines?
drip coffee, my good-morning friend.
"
"the dobsonfly, often called king bug,
is a large, tusked, and dark double-wing bug.
though it won't do much harm,
it can cause folk alarm
with its mandibles, of which i sing. (ugh!)
"
"""your problem?oh, my?is dry eye,""
said my doc with an audible sigh.
though i'd rather have cried,
i responded, dry-eyed,
""it's just one more prescription to buy.""
"
"my dress hangers mate and make more
until i have hangers galore.
in the closet were two,
and then out of the blue,
i've enough for a toggery store.
"
"a prune is a fruit that is dried.
should you eat a whole bag? you decide.
my grandpa ate tons,
but they gave him the runs.
in fact, i think that's how he died.
"
"don dolphin-kicked straight down the pool,
doing butterfly stroke for his school.
""win one for the flipper!""
said he, sounding chipper.
""win two will be equally cool!""
"
"my tabby meowed at me, doleful,
because i denied her a bowlful
of pussycat treats.
it's one of her feats
to give me a look that is soulful.
"
"sighed eeyore, a close pal of pooh,
""i have donkeywork (plenty!) to do.
and it's not so much head work
as effort-i-dread work.
i'm glum, apathetic, and blue.""
"
"the dreaminess shone in his eyes
when he thought of his birthday surprise.
he was sure that a bike
would replace his old trike,
since he'd reached the appropriate size.
"
"he is dog-weary, worn to the bone;
so won't someone leave rover alone?
but the kids are all squawking,
his owner needs walking,
and that pug wants to talk on the phone!
"
"i escape in the quiet of night
on a fabulous fairytale flight
to a fantasy dreamscape,
a peaches-and-cream-scape,
and dwell there till morning's first light.
"
"going down to the brookside was dumb,
but ophelia was crazy and numb.
hardly making a sound,
hamlet's girlfriend then drowned,
with a snootful of algae and scum.
"
"charcot foot, a deforming condition,
can occur if you have no transmission
of severe pains and aches
when you suffer small breaks
of the foot bones. result? demolition.
"
"for my sandwich, i fixed a new spread.
""dry mustard,"" the recipe read.
that stuff's hellishly hot!
now i'm dripping with snot,
and it's running all over the bread.
"
"on the drainboard, alongside the sink,
i play symphonies?clatter, crash, plink!
all the critics are gushin'
i'm a pro on percussion,
but on strings, brass, and woodwinds i stink.
"
"back to driving school grandma must go.
her insurance claims ran up some dough
when she mowed down pedestrians,
a troupe of equestrians,
and two elderly hookers i know.
"
"when the dawn is a pale pinkish hue
and the day is still sparkling and new,
check arachne's jeweled web?
before morning stars ebb?
while it's beaded with droplets of dew.
"
"my new boyfriend's a bit of a jock
and the best-looking guy on the block.
though i think dan's the man,
his ulterior plan
means my dreamboat is trying to dock.
"
"from the nights she spent walking the street,
the drabble was drabbled (not neat),
and she blew her red nose
on the sleeves of her clothes.
there was filth from her head to her feet.
"
"""what occurs in our dorm room? we study,""
states nigel, an old fuddy-duddy.
""we do shots, pot, and hash,
and then later we crash,""
admits charlie, his roommate and buddy.
"
"in a cross its four petals are laid;
on each petal his blood is displayed.
let each blossom remind us
and faithfully bind us
each spring when the dogwood's arrayed.
"
"frost with buttercream?that's what it takes
to enhance those pedestrian cakes.
sugar, butter, and cream
are the cakemaker's scheme
to add glitz to the layers he bakes.
"
"grape hyacinth bulbs, cipollini,
look like onions except that they're teeny.
for stews they are raised;
serve them simmered or braised,
and please share them! don't act like a meanie!
"
"if some nice chicken cutlets you're eyeing,
and you're thinking of doing some frying,
first dredge them in flour,
a coating with power
to brown them, beyond all denying.
"
"there once was a primate who sang
of his fondness for nutty meringue
layers stacked with whipped cream?
dacquoise was this dream
(the dessert, not the singing orang!).
"
"when liquor is aged, as in wood,
some liquid is lost, which is good.
the angel's share dissipates.
a seraph participates.
can a spirit steal spirits? it could.
"
"a masterful shakespeare creation
is dogberry. every oration
of this comic official,
right from the initial,
is rife with mistakes, ostentation.
"
"my cool local eatery serves
grilled, oyster-embellished hors d'oeuvres.
piquant angels on horseback
is a snack i endorse, back
at fine seafood joints such as irv's.
"
"docibility?that's why i chose
my gentle pet guinea pig rose.
i've taught her to stay
and to wheek every day...
in fact, she's a bore, i suppose.
"
"her doctorly air of concern
is a mien all physicians should learn.
inspiration of  trust
in one's art is a must,
something every new healer must earn.
"
"rush limbaugh's a strict doctrinaire,
a conservative loaded for bear.
so don't try to sway him
(or ever outweigh him).
he'll simply go off on a tear.
"
"my mommy complains i'm a drooler.
i admit i pull stunts just to fool her
when she's wearing her silk.
(a big mouthful of milk
only makes fancy clothing look cooler!)
"
"it's a shoppers' bonanza, black friday!
yes, it's truly a grab-it-or-cry day.
are these bargains for real?
have i scored a good deal?
it's a kiss-all-my-money-goodbye day.
"
"the big easy! come on, let us go
to the hometown of caf? br?lot.
made with coffee and brandy
with spices, it's dandy?
a fine cup of flaming hot joe.
"
"a delectable type of hors d'oeuvre
that americans frequently serve
is called devils on horseback,
a tasty first course. back
in england chefs throw in a curve.
"
"grandpa thinks he's the sugar plum fairy,
though his tutu's decidedly scary.
his ballet every year
brings us holiday cheer,
but the neighbors are watchful and wary.
"
"as the weather begins to grow cold,
i rely on a jacket with bold
black and white jagged blocks
(and a warm pair of socks).
seems this pattern as dog's tooth is sold.
"
"types of drip pans? i know only two.
some drippings have value to you.
meat drippings make sauce,
but the foul drips we toss?
from a crankcase, a fridge, or a zoo.
"
"in cooking, to crimp means to press
pastry edges together, i guess;
or to crimp means to flute
a pie's crust that'll suit
even picky aunt bess. a success!
"
"one need not have a tail that's prehensile
to use this new-fangled  utensil.
this weird-looking cutter
makes neat curls of butter.
i'd draw it but don't have a pencil.
"
"j?zsef dobos makes elegant cakes,
but perhaps the most famous he bakes
is a rich, layered torte
of a fabulous sort?
buttercream and g?noise, goodness sakes!
"
"comes a time in the fall of the year,
when a bright crimson fruit will appear
on our dogwood, a tree
that is lovely to see,
ev'ry dogberry shaped like a tear.
"
"you're parched, so you head for a fountain.
on a cool draught of water you're countin'
but decide you're not drinking
when you find that some stinking
galoot spat his wad there?a mountain!
"
"that new witch is a shaker and mover;
she's no longer a stuck-in-the-groover.
though she entered the room
displaying a broom,
she swept off with a zoom on a hoover.
"
"an old dotard, age ninety or more,
made a pass at a middle-aged whore.
she said, ""never, you cad!
you're as old as my dad!""
he said, ""that's what viagra is for!""
"
"they ran off to a country whose ruler
had methods of justice far crueler.
they came back in one piece
(save the shoplifting niece,
who transported both hands in a cooler).
"
"i puzzled and stewed, my heart sank.
i  brooded; my mind drew a blank.
i'm told, ""please to remember
the fifth of november.""
(could that be the weekend i drank?)
"
"put three slices of toast in a stack.
spread with mayo to make  a fine snack.
in between? turkey, bacon,
tomato. you're makin'
a club that'll bring 'em all back.
"
"when we dramatized humpty, we woke
the emotions of kind-hearted folk.
when he oozed mock albumen,
he seemed almost human.
his bleeding fake yolk was no joke.
"
"vera opened  a dress shop this spring,
just in time for a warm-weather fling
of selling cool frocks.
""stylish outfit, you fox!""
she announces as registers ring.
"
"his political views? doctrinaire.
only right-wing ideas can he bear.
""there's no global warming!""
he's noisily storming.
""it's leftists concocting a scare!""
"
"there's a minimum number of hues
that to colour a graph you must use.
since it's points you may mean
or the lines in between,
there are two of these values, so choose.
"
"they advised champollion, ""you won't get a
large budget from nasa."" so better
than hide on the moon,
he decided, ""i'll soon
be translating the stone of rosetta.""
"
"the mathematician borel
could calculate measures and tell
how this novel facility
might aid probability,
stating ""this method works like a spell"".
"
"bourbaki wrote many a book;
many years this accomplishment took.
but no one has met
this prolific man yet.
you might even suspect he's a crook.
"
"playing halma, just two (maybe four)
clever strategists lay down the law.
for two more, there's a game
that is somewhat the same:
chinese checkers ? which i find a bore.
"
"""don't give me no arky-malarky,""
said chomsky, who then made his mark; he
arranged formal grammars
(with lims above stammers),
creating a new hierarchy.
"
"the chamberlain said, ""we should not
allow chamber groups here. the last lot
were just working-class chaps
with bad hair, and perhaps
they might even have smoked chamber pot.""
"
"in our restaurant, a visiting lout
found a rat and then waved it about.
this attracted the crew
and the manager too
and, for muscle, our stout chucker-out.
"
"i read in a most learned article
a story describing a particle
charged with positron theft ?
unjustly! ? which left
me feeling quite touched in the hearticle.
"
"for non-programmers, let me spell out
what by char i am talking about:
i mean eight single bits
that an unsigned byte fits
far better than any brook trout.
"
"when nelson died, nothing was handy
for embalming until reaching land. he
was starting to smell
so they pickled him well
in a cask of napoleon brandy.
"
"a magus with myrrh, i've been told,
was melchior, wise man of old.
what did balthasar bring
as a gift to the king?
it was frankincense. caspar brought gold.
"
"the dolma (an arabic word):
it's a food for a turk or a kurd.
stuff a grape leaf or veggie
with filling that's edgy.
""we adore them,"" mideastern  maids purred.
"
"those vegetables known as cruciferous
are likely to be odoriferous.
a cauliflower stewed
can smell horribly rude?
like sulf'rous debris carboniferous.
"
"each cookie i shape with a cutter
after mixing the sugar and butter
and eggs, milk, and flour.
i work by the hour
to roll 'em and trim 'em and putter.
"
"the crone and her cronies were cackling:
""to decrepitate means 'to cause crackling.'
throw in chemical salts
plus some chicken fat (schmaltz).
it's a recipe well worth the tackling.""
"
"i'm a candidate here to apply
to do pat-downs on travelers who fly.
checking all nooks and crannies
of schoolgirls to grannies,
i'll smile while i work. that's no lie!
"
"a coupe (from the french) is a sundae.
any day that i eat one's a fun day.
i add fruit and whipped cream
to make ice cream a dream.
we have coupes with three scoops every monday.
"
"try my chlodnik, a soup made by poles,
that is served in our large, well-chilled bowls.
made, like borscht, out of beets,
one of warsaw's great treats,
it'll fill you?that's one of our goals.
"
"my mom washed my jeans with my crew socks,
transforming the pair into blue socks.
what's worse?how it rankles!?
they've dyed both my ankles.
i'll never trust mom with my new socks!
"
"when defining a word, so i'm told,
don't disguise it. no, better unfold
what to you seems so clear
by marking it, dear?
use the tags that will make it look bold.
"
"i am busy rehearsing my skit:
it's now twenty-five years since we split
as a class leaving school,
so i'll try to act cool
with ""my, you haven't changed, not a bit!""
"
"charles f. kane said: ""it's money, not pride,
that you've got to amass by your side.
neither lovers nor friends
should be your life's ends!"";
stammered ""rosebud""; and then the fool died.
"
"he was born somewhere out in the sticks,
learnt all analytical tricks,
would in algebra dabble?
this norwegian named abel.
but he died a young man (26).
"
"there's no place such as arc, so you groan?
but i'm sure i once met a miss joan
who hailed from that pad,
always jolly, not sad?
flaming stakes she consumed all alone.
"
"all those rockets cost packets of cash.
on re-entry some burn up to ash;
some are salvaged (that's best);
but the whole of the rest
end as circumterrestrial trash.
"
"though you're lonely and drink-reminiscing,
should you really be hugging and kissing
a man full of booze,
knuckles scraping his shoes?
that's a link that should surely stay missing.
"
"2 am, and your bedtime draws near?
it's just 7 pm for me here!
though you're close to my heart,
we live so far apart?
civil time's most uncivil, my dear.
"
"unannounced they appear every morning,
all these emails and forms?without warning.
but a good civil servant,
i've become a most fervent
ignorer while stifling my yawning.
"
"yorkshire place names may well make you laugh,
when you first go to visit great barugh.
further south, for a lark,
you could travel to barugh.
do i find this confusing? not half!
"
"model railways, an uncovered breast?
both are sources of little boys' zest.
though i now have grown old,
they're still joys to behold,
but i can't decide which i like best.
"
"i'm a bastard. that means that my dad
never married my mum, which is sad.
now i kick smaller boys
and then steal all their toys.
you can hate me or just think i'm mad.
"
"roast chicken, cold beer and a mat?
i placed it all neatly and sat.
my thoughts strayed afar,
and the door, left ajar,
invited our neighbour's black cat.
"
"""old euclid?a very cool guy.
his first postulates?simple. but why
does the fifth look so strange?
it could do with a change?
let's remove it!"" exclaimed bolyai.
"
"my addiction had gone way too far.
so i went to doc freud, the great star.
i told him my dreams,
but he said, ""it just seems
your cigar may be ... just a cigar.""
"
"a discussion on birds, hard to follow,
full of technical terms, i found hollow.
what i do recall most
was the chairman's first toast
as he burped, ""the return of the swallow.""
"
"first she waits, in the church, for a while;
then solemnly walks down the aisle
to the altar, all prim,
mumbles ""yes"", sings a hymn,
thinking ""i'll alter him"" with a smile.
"
"""your bottle,"" i said to herr klein,
""is no use to store water or wine.
there's no handle nor spout,
and all liquids spill out
that i pour in the hole marked herein.""
"
"first auralgia (a pain in my ears),
reddened nose, and my eyes full of tears?
i'll be dead soon?yet you
say, ""it's only the flu,
plus your old hypochondriac fears.""
"
"i detest my home planet, abhor
all i see here, may see yet, once saw.
write to ""michael, box 3,
chimborazo (ec)""
if you want to contact me for more.
"
"you sup bourbon? we here all drink scotch.
like our fighting it's always top-notch.
so, if you are not able
to stomach black label,
you'll never fit in the black watch.
"
"i have always enjoyed capri sun,
a soft drink implying ""clean fun"".
the firm that produces
a wide range of juices
by a ""call from the wild"" now is run.
"
"call me fat or obese, if you dare,
as long as i get my fair share
of the chocolate ice cream
that i saw in my dream.
call this freudian? see if i care!
"
"five-score men i will soon commandeer,
as for rome i've campaigned without fear.
after all of this fighting,
back-stabbing, back-biting,
my centurion's stripes should draw near.
"
"said malcolm, ""i'm king of the scots,
but my drinking i do in small tots.
now i'm sampling some bourbon,
which my men find disturbin'?
i'll hide so that i can drink lots.""
"
"i programmed the ackermann function,
and now i am full of compunction.
the smoke from the back
of my once-working mac
makes me feel that it's time for last unction.
"
"i can see that my words you're ignoring.
and it's clear that you find me plain boring.
the plugs in your ears
and your chuckles and sneers
don't hurt me?but please stop that snoring.
"
"the question, it seems, is just what
you prefer to drink hot from your pot.
some need caf, some want de-,
and yet others like tea.
i'd say beer, nicely chilled, beats the lot.
"
"king henry the fifth is my play.
between acts i'll appear and relay
to you gentlefolk here
what's about to appear,
then, humbly, your patience will pray.
"
"two aphides came here on grants
provided by generous ants.
they collected a third,
and now there's a herd
of these critters infesting my plants.
"
"girolamo cardano, a fraud?
his knowledge, though shallow, was broad!
gambler, mathematician,
engineer and physician,
and astrologer, hungry and flawed.
"
"latin civitas stands for what's great:
civilians?the men of the state;
civility rules,
civil servants (the fools!),
civil marriage, beside civil date.
"
"need a job? then you'd best cross the lake;
in amerika fortunes you'll make.
so go east, you young dope?
there lies money and hope;
don't head west, that would be a mistake!
"
"canon phelps cried out loud to the maid:
""can you bring me some cold lemonade?
a can please, or two?
i will wait in the loo.""
(insanity's allowed and can aid.)
"
"my monicker really is lame;
i'm quiet and peaceful and tame.
i'm surely not able
to act like clark gable,
but caine is my christian name!
"
"bits of lead you will need when you start;
line them up?they must not fall apart.
reproduce the right text,
and you might seem perplexed
by the gold you can make with black art.
"
"a victorian lady, most comely,
was shy, but she didn't live glumly,
acquiring small fame
as a writer whose name
(please don't laugh, now!) was miss mary cholmondeley.
"
"henry maske appears on tv.
he's a boxer, but now i can see
that he's wearing a suit
and he looks most astute.
""sir henry"" is now quite pc.
"
"""can you spare me a dime?""?yet again!
so i look through my pockets?in vain.
he has asked twice before;
i've no more left in store;
i am changeless, and so will remain.
"
"the palace's chalice, he knew,
held the poisonless drink, which was true!
then came a new flagon
depicting a dragon;
he forgot which to choose, wouldn't you?
"
"implications are mostly one-way,
like the sentence ""all gray jays are grey"".
this is true, and quite clever.
its converse, however,
is false: ""all that's grey is a jay"".
"
"caveman dana suggested, ""our clan
should have one separate cave for each man?
close together, of course?
so i hope you'll endorse
the hill full of condos i plan.""
"
"the pirate crew's cook was irate:
""i did not steal those pieces of eight!
after walking that plank,
my slate will be blank,
but you lubbers will face a clean plate!""
"
"my daughter has coloring books
with animals, people, and brooks.
she uses bright hues,
like reds, greens, and blues,
to give all those pictures good looks.
"
"a one-time acquaintance of mine
helped me get through a whole lot of wine.
on my own, i find boozing
not half as amusing.
i think i should drop him a line.
"
"i'm a cat person. that's why a chow,
or a poodle, or any bow-wow,
cannot manage to please
me like two siamese
who pet me now and call me ""me-ow"".
"
"""take a set,"" said the mathematician,
""plus a function?for instance, addition.
if all sums that you get
lie inside the said set,
it's called closed. (that's the short definition.)""
"
"complex numbers are merely conventional
pairs of reals. they provide two-dimensional
ways of mapping a plane,
and square roots they contain
of negatives?that is intentional.
"
"you believe in spontaneous creation?
choose a moron as head of your nation?
dump your junk in the seas
and drive large suvs?
you're the apex of civilisation ...
"
"gotham city?it's raining, again.
and jim gordon hunts crooks?but in vain.
see the bat-man appear?
spreading terror and fear
amongst all who deserve it?bruce wayne.
"
"i asked jacques ""where on earth are you from?""
he replied with the utmost aplomb
""southern france; from a small
town remembered by all
who have ever had fun in condom"".
"
"as a tenor, phil was a high flyer.
so can you please explain to me why a
splendid voice, like he's got,
spews out calumny?rot,
when he could join the local church choir?
"
"chez jacques was a great place to dine;
we could even provide our own wine.
ma?tre jacques said ""okay,
but there's corkage to pay:
that's a 'bring your own bottle'-type fine.""
"
"in the 80s i played games galore?
zelda, pac-man and tron, many more...
it was ugly and grey,
but we all loved to play
with the commodore c64.
"
"a matrix with non-zero det
twists most vectors, not all. so a set
of vectors will fall
on their images. all
that has changed is the lengths that you get.
"
"the last of five caesars named ""good""
thought his son knew what all rulers should.
so he left him the throne,
but once he ruled alone
stupid commodus did as he would.
"
"there's this person who isn't my brother,
nor my neigbour, my friend or my mother.
there is nothing i know
quite for certain, and so
he could just as well be a. n. other.
"
"writing operas i was quite pitless;
as an athlete i fear i am fitless.
so the comic verse i
have decided to try,
and my audience i will scare witless.
"
"in an advert we see a girl cry
'cause her doggy is ill and must die.
this ad's heavy-duty,
great pathos?a beauty.
the product? who cares! you must buy.
"
"my young friend, you say love, and not money,
is really important. well, sonny:
living under a bridge
doesn't match a full fridge.
you're all heart and no brain. that's not funny.
"
"stirred awake, i was harshly addressed
by my wife, who screamed, ""i might have guessed!
if you speak in your sleep,
there's no secret you'll keep.
so own up now! who's this anna pest?""
"
"a gay german town, quite divine,
is cologne, where good beer and good wine
are consumed in great masses
and shared by all classes
at carnival, down by the rhine.
"
"a new corporate image is what
your business must have, since it's got
a name that is lame,
and it sells just the same
kind of rot as the rest of the lot.
"
"mr binary, you're a disgrace
to your otherwise numerous race.
maybe useful in widgets,
you're deficient in digits.
(i just wrote these five lines to abase.)
"
"in logic, disjunction you use
to imply that the reader must choose:
""take both, or take either,
and don't opt for neither.""
but and/or to use i'd refuse.
"
"what's an aposiopesis? i'll tell,
but you will have to help me as well:
it means leaving away
what i don't dare to say.
understand this? you don't? what the ?!
"
"""so you want your son christened? good start!""
said the priest to the parents named cart.
""but think of the shame
he'll endure with this name:
so why 'orson'? why not call him 'art'?""
"
"an avant-garde poet called peter
drags his feet; he's a bit of a cheater:
with great changes afoot
he continues to put
his new rhymes in an old-fashioned metre.
"
"my new dentures this morning i tried
to insert, with my mouth open wide.
but the top-middle teeth
didn't match those beneath?
so my breakfast i bit on the side.
"
"""princess leia! i want you to marry
me now,"" man in black sang, ""don't tarry!
i will order a ring
for the postman to bring?
and then truly we'll be?cash and carrie!""
"
"why anastrophe often he chose
in plain speech, he himself only knows.
it was most disconcerting
this order inverting,
and his friends confused more than his foes.
"
"i lie here bare-naked: no pants
and no shirt. but then, softly, some chants
fill my yet-unborn ear.
and the voices ring clear:
""now let's watch how the doctor decants.""
"
"""the best hitchcock that he never made"":
archie leach and kath ruston there played
a couple that itches
to find the lost riches
that a dead man's last message displayed.
"
"not at sea, nor way up in the air,
will you find any subplane called ""baer"".
take some points in a plane:
if their structure stays sane,
while ignoring the rest?then it's there.
"
"""when i was a lad,"" (oh, what rot!)
""things were better."" (i'm sure, you old clot!)
""we had more than enough,
didn't need all this stuff!""
""yes, but grandpa, times have changed a lot...""
"
"a carta i now will proclaim.
call it magna or great?they're the same.
(when the ink starts to dry,
i will cheat, steal, and lie.)
now i'll sign it ""joannes"" (my name).
"
"our grandma, amelia phelps,
went abroad to shoot african elps.
now the feet of these fellers
store all her umbrellas.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"my it prof. was stern: ""silly man!
take a binary tree and then scan
the number of ways
its n leaves it displays.""
i quit math and took up catalan.
"
"i worked hard; but my boss has just said
that the numbers our firm writes are red.
""if you like, please stay on,
but our customer's gone,
and bankruptcy lies straight ahead.""
"
"mr crabtree's just taken a pot
(with the $5 rifle he got
in the sales) at a blind
crippled beggar?you'll find
that in every sense that's a cheap shot.
"
"my pal kirk is a bit of a jerk,
and his dogsleep's a sad way to shirk.
playing possum's a ruse
since he thinks that a snooze
should excuse him from doing his work.
"
"her dress coat she wore every sunday.
in the closet it hung every monday
through saturday; then,
she retrieved it again
since, you see, this was strictly the nun way.
"
"a dragon  whose heyday is past,
this lizard is vanishing fast.
known for eating its young
and its bright yellow tongue,
the komodo: how long will it last?
"
"have you ever attempted a drabble?
it's more fun than a good game of scrabble.
pen a hundred-word story
to garner brief glory;
omit most description or babble.
"
"'twas a most dolorifical day
when the outfielder made that bad play.
yes, a dropped ball disgraced him,
so his coaches replaced him,
but the mascot is fielding okay.
"
"""your dogship, pray rest in this seat.
may i bring you a sirloin to eat?""
though he's simply a beagle,
we treat rex as regal.
excuse me?it's time for his treat.
"
"my dreamworld appears as i sleep.
i can get there by counting up sheep.
but sometimes its features
include fearsome creatures
i hide from when terror runs deep.
"
"a dramatist (author of plays)
can confuse or amuse or amaze.
he might win our applause
staging man's tragic flaws.
raise the curtain, please! no more delays!
"
"sighed a blushing ros?, ""i'm confessing
a sin that perhaps you were guessing.
though i tried not to do it,
merlot led me to it:
i peeked at the green goddess dressing.""
"
"the dramamine tablets i swallowed
had little effect on what followed.
i was heaving like heck
on the slick, heaving deck.
now my stomach feels empty and hollowed.
"
"there's this comic chap, alfred e. phelps:
never speaks, never laughs, never yelps.
and his grin's two-dimensional
with a gap that's intentional.
(you don't have to read mad, but it helps.)
"
"the antarctic's the home of cold weather
and of penguins?they're birds of a feather.
on the ice they will troop,
form a tightly knit group,
and stay toasty by clumping together.
"
"when young, we were common as dirt;
i wore sackcloth instead of a shirt.
when my football got took
by some slimy old crook,
we threw stones at his windows?that hurt!
"
"i tickle her, talk to her, shout;
and i know she's alive. but you doubt
that she'll ever return?
when on earth will you learn
it's just consciousness she is without!
"
"a butcher among roman lords,
gnaeus pompey killed marian hordes.
sulla called him the great
for ""defending"" the state
with ""your laws can't stand up to our swords!""
"
"her neighbour's a stock-exchange broker,
and he won't wager blue chips on poker.
every day he works hard
to ensure that each card
he turns over will be one more joker.
"
"on 475's halloween,
the story of rome's final scene
starred its first king of all
and last emperor, small
though august?he was barely a teen.
"
"the design phase was not very long,
and the programmers worked for a song.
do not look so abashed
'cause this project has crashed.
its result now is both?bad and wrong.
"
"though it's kludgey, this program just might
fix all glitches and bugs, byte by byte.
conjured up in a minute,
there's no logic in it,
so let's hope that it proves bad and right.
"
"""airmail problems do not bother me,""
said the pope, alexander the iii.
""if god meant bulls to fly,
he'd put boats in the sky,
and not here in the vatican see.""
"
"computerese is a language i speak
to my friend, who's a nerd and a geek.
it may sound like chinese,
esperanto, maltese,
and much more, which to others seems greek.
"
"cuppa joe? that is no drink for me!
'cos caffeine and my heart disagree:
just the teeniest cup,
and my blood pressure's up,
so i'll stick, by your leaves, to my tea.
"
"some of dana's inventions don't sell?
like his ""dung with a peppermint smell"".
compos mentis? some name!
and his slogan's a shame:
""what smells minty but sounds like a bell?""
"
"and're l?nder and andere sitten
doktor goethe himself once had written.
it means other nations
provide inspirations
that we then ignore, here in britain.
"
"my grand theorem's proof i won't state:
it is lengthy; the hour is late.
it may send you to snoring,
so first try exploring
its corollary, compact and great.
"
"early august 216 b.c.
showed the romans how weak they could be.
having lost twice before,
they helped hannibal's score
grow from ""two battles won"" up to ""three"".
"
"52 over 4, let's divide:
the result is 13, undenied.
so 13 is no more
than cofactor to 4;
they're a pair, mathematically tied.
"
"i once knew a colour-blind fella
who loved mayonnaise, white or yella.
he never could see
what seemed creepy to me?
so he's dead now, my friend sal monella.
"
"the rest of our rhyme clearly shows,
in the garden, the maid hanging clothes,
when a blackbird (now free)
from his perch in a tree
swiftly swept in and pecked off her nose.
"
"the king can be found every day
at the counting house, counting away
all the mountains of money
that buy bread and honey
for the queen in the parlour so gay.
"
"to increase my libido, i'm tryin'
damiana?it's said to be mayan.
as a sex herb it's great,
but do caution your date?
it's a laxative, too?no denyin'.
"
"it's thanksgiving, so cut out your stressing,
and quit all that roasting and messing!
please take back your turkey
and ditch the tofurkey.
let's face it, my weakness is dressing.
"
"cr?me fra?che, a matured, thickened cream,
an ingredient held in esteem,
can improve any meal.
in a sauce it's ideal,
or added to soup it's supreme.
"
"country captain's the name of a stew.
its ingredients?more than a few?
include chicken and curry,
slow cooked. please don't hurry.
let's stir up a skillet, us two.
"
"said rapunzel to suitor, ""we're through!
why, this mane takes a week to shampoo,
yet you climb up gold locks
in your sweaty old socks
and dishevel my stylish blonde do!""
"
"at night in her robes of pale green,
lady liberty watches, serene,
with her torch all aglow,
lit to tell folks below
freedom's light will forever be seen.
"
"the psychiatrist hadn't employed
a straw hat in the sun. ""i'm annoyed!
oh, why haven't i learned?
now my bald head is burned,
and my colleagues have dubbed me 'pink freud'!""
"
"liquid chocolate, the type known as ""drinking,""
may not be the same as you're thinking.
shaved chocolate, hot milk,
cane sugar?like silk!
do try it when spirits are sinking.
"
"decorations spring up in bright bowers.
humble row houses,  sky-scraping towers
are bedazzling with jewels,
like christmastime schools
of gay fishes, resplendent as flowers.
"
"new york city twines lights through her hair
and discovers a new gown to wear.
with her sparkle and shimmer,
there's more than a glimmer
of christmasy hope in the air.
"
"the mountains are sheer here, but dear?
there's no way we can pay our stay here,
though the dolomites' ice
and snow seem so nice:
cortina? not this year, i fear.
"
"while onholiday waydown thenile
imet upwith 1 fierce crocodile.
with(my camelcase), though,
icould fendoff thisfoe
& returned 2 mytent with(asmile).
"
"i consulted doc spock and he said,
""so your son cannot breathe?guess he's dead.""
i answered, ""the lad
has been screaming like mad!""
""out of breath, then! next time, use your head!""
"
"we've been tango-ing now for an hour.
i feel faint, a whole horse i'd devour.
the cortina?at last!
now i'll make my break fast,
run for food, a cold beer and a shower.
"
"two hundred and thirty-six d
until decimal day used to be
nineteen shillings and eight?
compound numbers look great,
but confusing, i'm sure you agree.
"
"millie phelps loves champagne, and she's thrilled
when her glass is both full and well chilled.
if the temperature's off,
the cool lady will scoff?
and she hates it when something gets spilled.
"
"thirteen miles to the gallon?so what?
my old ford cortina is hot!
i'll be robbing a bank
with this getaway tank.
its consumption robs me, so why not?
"
"i can chat all day long on the 'net?
i've a list full of answers preset.
any keywords i see
give me clues ""who"" to be;
i'm a chatbot you'll never forget.
"
"caveman dana was fleet on his feet,
and he knew: this great prey he could beat.
it was swift, but still chasable;
its tracks were untraceable,
but once caught, there'd be gerbils to eat.
"
"as i grew, my cortina went snap,
leaving parts of it stuck to my cap.
now my veil can no more
hide the spores i've in store.
(so a mushroom reports his mishap.)
"
"there's a quest to unseat the old tyrant,
but i'm eager to be a conspirant.
i'll smoke out the foe,
and whatever they know
is then mine to misuse as desirant.
"
"the fur cover i lifted and sat,
while regarding the knitted pink hat
that we put on the spare
roll of paper. but where
went that slippery pedestal mat?
"
"when iron's not treated with care?
left exposed to the rain and the air?
it will slowly explode
(more correctly, corrode),
forming rust, a red, dusty affair.
"
"""you've confused things,"" the barman explained:
""the container for what is contained.
ask for beer?that's okay;
but a bottle?no way!
i would give you one already drained.""
"
"there are telescopes, catheters, wells,
macaroni, guns' barrels and shells:
all are tubes, i.e. cannular,
as opposed to campanular
daffodils, mushrooms and bells.
"
"the phelpses produced a young laddie
called jock?he was known as a baddie.
a porter by trade,
he often ""mislaid""
people's trunks, so he made a poor cadie.
"
"i'm intelligent?so people say?
bright and gifted; i love to display
all my talents, so great,
and i never inflate
my own cleverness?don't walk away!
"
"your comments i find most persuasive;
and i see them as true, yet abrasive.
can your words all alone
melt this heart made of stone?
given time, all you've said is corrasive.
"
"""an assistive device, grandpa phelps,
is all that you need!"" grandma yelps.
""it fits into your ear,
and allows you to hear!
not quite all that i say! but it helps!!""
"
"dr frankenstein's been most productive:
he's built a new monster; conductive
copper alloys he used.
the strong current then fused
all his work, in a flash most destructive.
"
"melvin's feelings seemed chilled, cold as ice.
with each glass that he drank, he thought twice:
""this fine bubbly's not free;
what's it doing for me?
fancy wine? is this worth the high price?""
"
"caveman dana's new pet, a chelonian,
had come far since the age called devonian.
dana's turtle today
you can see on display:
it's in washington's famous smithsonian.
"
"our son played with matches, got burned,
leaving me and my wife quite concerned.
with some cream though, next day,
his ""ouch"" went away?
but, we hope, not the lesson he learned.
"
"caveman dana was full of frustration:
he'd discovered a fossil crustacean.
but his shaman insisted
it never existed,
since it fit in no classification.
"
"""this case"", said the judge, ""is complex:
the defendant, a dwarf, shot his ex.
set him free, though, i rule.""
the d.a. kept his cool,
since de minimis non curat lex.
"
"shut up, i say! silence now! clum!
don't utter a word! just stay mum!
and stop waving your hand:
others may understand
what you say, if like you, they are dumb.
"
"considerable thought we invested
in mccarrot. our rabbits have tested
these glorified meals,
which produced joyful squeals,
but, alas, too much gas when digested.
"
"let's conjure up limericks, we two;
then we'll post?one for me, one for you.
there's some magic involved?
all these rhymes to be solved:
wave your wand! here's line five, and we're through.
"
"when everyone's fitting, i fit.
when everyone's sitting, i sit.
i'm a congruous type:
no great scandals, no hype.
need an even-keeled guy? i am it.
"
"concertino? concerto, but small?
don't reserve the millennium hall
for a score of musicians
to present their renditions;
it's really no great work at all.
"
"as the market halls burst into flames,
the tv only mentioned the names
of the famous elite
who found camden replete
of the finest in shopping and games.
"
"please come to our office, i beg,
or you'll leave us no choice?you're a dreg.
if you cannot comply
it may cost you an eye
for an eye, or an arm and a leg.
"
"afraid that cocaine, crack or dope
are the start of the slippery slope?
then oedilf's not for you:
try a limerick or two,
and then stop. think you can? not a hope!
"
"young lord plummer declared he would own
all the land he could see from his throne:
""though this chiefdom's petite
(just a mere toilet seat),
i will rule it myself, all alone!""
"
"assistive technologies seek
to help people whose lives may seem bleak,
since their bodies are not
what the rest of us got
when we were all given physique.
"
"i must settle my cooperage bill;
it's outrageous, but pay it i will.
the cooperage due
is a thousand or two,
but i'm needing clean casks for my still.
"
"making casks can be barrels of fun;
though it's hard, it's a job i won't shun.
shattered kegs i discard
in the cooperage yard;
i must stave off my thirst till i'm done.
"
"bob the baker decided to bake
for his wife a large coconut cake.
but the eggs had gone funny,
and the butter was runny?
made her sick?what a costly mistake!
"
"cigarette smoking, so i am told,
keeps you young. on each packet that's sold
there's a note in large print
providing this hint:
smokers don't live to die old.
"
"sister mary was bald (had no hair).
as she sat in the hairdresser's chair,
she said ""just a short coif,
will be really enough.""
so he tailored a skullcap with care.
"
"as conservator, bill has the will
to protect all the trees in brazil
from deforestation,
though much of that nation
is engaged in such practices still.
"
"let's conduct an experiment now:
we'll put earphones on rosie the cow,
play some mozart, ravel,
and then bat out of hell.
then we'll tweak the results?you know how.
"
"i fear that my online connexion
is working in just one direction.
all the emails i send
to my old high-school friend
go unanswered: i'm facing rejection.
"
"""not my brain!"" so the donor still yelps,
on the table of doktor von phelps.
""pleaze don't vorry, mein friend;
oll your pain vill soon end.
you don't heff to be dead, bat it helps.""
"
"starting ""?rma vir?mque can?"",
virgil's dactyls proceeded to show
how ?neas fled home
and travelled to rome?
or, at least, where this city would grow.
"
"stormy england, farewell to thy shore!
i will suffer thy harsh winds no more!
corvo's calling to me
from across the great sea.
it's the northernmost isle called ""azore"".
"
"mistress iris's rough collarettes
are a sight that no pupil forgets.
her dark eyes clearly show
how far colour can go?
that's why boys want to be teacher's pets.
"
"the lion confronted the hare
and said ""your comportance with bear
was uncalled for and rude.""
""well you see, there was food
we both wanted, but he wouldn't share.""
"
"for a sound wave to move, be aware
that a medium's needed, like air.
in a vacuum no sound
can be heard; they have found
its conduction is nil. (nothing's there.)
"
"once again, i was feeding the meter
but was caught by the meter maid rita;
the connection we made
is one that has stayed:
we now have a son we named peter.
"
"when we colonists came face to face
with the helpful, indigenous race,
we built a new state,
but in time came to hate
them and chased them from our new place.
"
"the penguins told john: ""why, you lout!
we have tons of that stuff all about!
see that igloo? the dome?
that round house is our home.
be our guest: please come in and find out!""
"
"the agency's new ceo
planned on selling the penguins fresh snow:
""here's where you come in, john?
you must stage this cool con:
as our front man, i know, you're a pro.""
"
"as he cheesily grinned ear to ear,
the young urchin sang out, ""never fear!""
but the gleam in his eyes
said, ""expect a surprise.""
he is not to be trusted?that's clear!
"
"distant voices abound in john's ear?
it's the martians he's sure he can hear.
with a rake raised up high,
he observes the night sky,
and their signal comes in loud and clear.
"
"caesar's gallico bello's a book
about legions and weapons he took
when he visited gaul,
but it doesn't list all:
for example the name of his cook.
"
"where's my trunk? and my gucci valise?
you're the porter? then tell me now, please,
why my bags are not here
in the checkroom. i fear
i will have to dock half of your fees.
"
"he was young, he was smart, he was tall;
and in life, he would go for it all.
his new bike fed his need
for incredible speed,
till he met, at full throttle, a wall.
"
"anne francis, so young and so fair,
was of ratings by nielsen aware.
but her planet, forbidden,
with pidgeons was ridden?
the fourth near the star called altair.
"
"you say you've ""forgotten"", my pet,
all those things that i asked you to get?
then, please, feel at leisure:
to wait is my pleasure.
ma?ana, don't hurry, no sweat!
"
"each morning he takes us to school?
a jock, a princess and a fool?
and though city-employed,
he is never annoyed:
our bus driver really acts cool.
"
"caveman dana was tired of meat
that was raw, and he wanted to eat
something roasted quite through
and more easy to chew,
mumbling, ""cookfires?they'll give us heat...""
"
"an atmometer's easy to read.
it assists us to work out the speed
at which water will rise
from a lake to the skies.
it's a tool all ecologists need.
"
"axiology studies what we
consider the best choice to be.
do our values conform
to an ethical norm?
let's discuss it: no need to agree.
"
"get up late, watch tv, drink some beer?
and that's all that you think of, i fear.
stop bumming around:
it is high time you found
a new job. or i'll leave you, my dear!
"
"at the end of the day it is said:
in my home, i'm the maker of bread.
hubby brings home the bacon,
so together we're makin'
what's needed?our kids are well-fed.
"
"since sony gave ringo the snub,
he is singing the blues in his tub.
his bathometer shows
to what depths this man goes?
he once captained a big yellow sub.
"
"something terrible's happened to me:
my bonnie lies over the sea.
so, please, won't you pray
that the winds find a way
to bring back my bonnie to me?
"
"climbing over the top of the rise,
unaware of the lurking surprise,
a wealthy old cad
was about to be had
by an ambusher, helped by his spies.
"
"conch angles provided the fuel,
so i made this ingenious tool.
now my ocean-borne treasure
is easy to measure?
my conchometer's shiny and cool.
"
"half a shilling would buy you a tune;
the rye in your pocket?a boon.
in the pie were a score
of young blackbirds (plus four);
a surprise would be served very soon.
"
"""i'm afraid, boss, i've just drawn a blank,""
said the counting-house intern, young frank.
""i've been counting our money,
and one thing seems funny:
it all now belongs to the bank.""
"
"the pie split, and the king was in awe,
overwhelmed by the sight that he saw.
birdsong chirped all about,
and the king had to shout:
""of this daintiest dish i want more!""
"
"he's a coward, a villain, a thief;
he thinks god backs his backwards belief
that to damn us to war
is what we voted for.
let's refuse to sing ""hail to the chief""!
"
"my great dane is a miserable blighter.
when i bought him, i thought him a biter
who'd scare any robbers,
but the beast only slobbers
till patted?i fear he's no fighter.
"
"when a cause pulls my heartstrings, i yearn
to contribute each penny i earn;
i will do any deed
to assist those in need.
i get more than i give in return.
"
"i know there's no simple solution
to our problem of worldwide pollution,
but by riding my bike
or taking a hike
i'm making a small contribution.
"
"tom's garden caused great consternation:
it lacks what you'd call vegetation.
i said, ""listen, old chump,
there's that small grassy clump,
so no reason for this aggravation.""
"
"my wife has such bountiful hair;
it's a colour decidedly rare.
such a masterful comber,
she spreads the aroma
of coconuts into the air.
"
"you're contemplative? feel in the mood
for deep thoughts? have a tendence to brood?
if i can't make your day
with my jokes, then i'd say
you're in need of a nap, or some food.
"
"in my matrix (augmented) the rank
hasn't risen: perhaps i can crank
out solutions to match
my equations?the catch:
there is no guarantee, to be frank.
"
"""i'm afraid,"" said the plumber, ""you're cursed:
and at best just a water pipe burst.
but your neighbours complain
of the foul-smelling rain,
so prepare for their sue-age, at worst.""
"
"through november's unpleasant wet fogs
i heard one of the neighbourhood mogs
go miaow from a tree,
and this sounded to me
just like cat-talk for ""call off the dogs"".
"
"the climature here is most funny:
in winter it's hot. nights are sunny.
when it's raining, we're dry.
when it's not, floods are high.
i would quit, if it weren't for the money.
"
"the two of us make a fine pair.
but we'd better look out and take care:
new dangers may wait
behind every new gate,
any time, any place, anywhere.
"
"drunkard john wastes his days?what a shame?
and his lassitude's mostly to blame:
""a new life i'll begin,
when my ship has come in?
so just wait?soon i'll run this whole game.""
"
"john's corrupted; he'd sell his own son.
all the bribes we have paid, one by one,
have made him our slave
who won't dare misbehave.
as a puppet, he's second to none.
"
"john loves beer, but his girlfriend, sweet sandy,
won't touch lager or stout; she drinks shandy.
though he stocked up on ale
at a keg-and-cask sale,
now some 7-up might come in handy.
"
"there is nothing more joyful for me
than to find an ascendible tree.
i will try to climb all,
and although i may fall,
when i manage, there's so much to see!
"
"my fondness for gemstones has grown,
and there's one that i'm yearning to own:
that's the famed koh-i-noor,
a huge diamond, so pure!
to collectors, it's quite the best-known.
"
"momma's back porch was where she would sing,
as she sat on her wonderful swing.
where aunt sheila shucked corn
and our kittens were born,
the fresh jasmine would bloom every spring.
"
"millie phelps was confused and distraught.
it was spirit-world answers she sought
from a channeling friend
who declared, ""there's no end
to your ancestors' tales, and they're rot!""
"
"caveman dave took a look and was jealous,
went to tell caveman mel, ""let's be zealous.
we will copy (not steal)
dana's wheel. here's the deal:
make them cheap so he won't undersell us.""
"
"there's an entrance out back that i know,
so come quickly; together we'll go
and sneak in from behind,
as i'm sure you don't mind
a free seat for this fabulous show.
"
"""brontosaurus,"" the catalogue said,
and i stood there just scratching my head.
i could see in this creature
no loveable feature.
""what a beast,"" i cried out. ""glad he's dead!""
"
"when our chimney sweep swept the church spire
and sat down on a high-voltage wire,
the poor guy looked so risible,
his abashedness so visible,
both his face and his bum seemed on fire.
"
"i'm affianced to bess, so i still
have to swallow the bitterest pill.
when she asked me to wed,
i was sure she said ""bed"",
so ""i'd love to!"" is now just ""i will.""
"
"the command key you find on a mac
shows an apple that's hollow, not black.
use its functions?you'll find
they are all the same kind:
always simple, almighty, laid back.
"
"chiefs of state, like a king and his queen,
on tv with their colleagues i've seen.
they're like tennos and popes
and non-royal dopes:
all those presidents strewn in between.
"
"caveman dana served dinner: a ham
made from mammoth, yet tasting like lamb;
but what struck the clan's nerve
was his t. rex conserve,
since these lizards made terrible jam.
"
"conservational issues denied,
we exploit all our lands, far and wide.
when there's no coal or oil
left to rip from the soil,
we'll have nothing much left but our pride.
"
"wilbur wright said, ""hey orville, the sky
is no limit for us. we can fly!
over sand dunes we'll drift
on our wings that give lift.""
orville thought, ""he's one confident guy.""
"
"his discussion on brewing's begun,
so you're stuck here till quarter past one.
at length he'll explain
about water, hops, grain:
when he starts talking ale?better run.
"
"full of wind, baby's crying in pain,
so i pat his small back yet again.
though his face still looks purple,
i know that a burp'll
come soon, and he'll feel right as rain.
"
"i feel sick; neither hunger nor thirst,
but this crapula's hurting me worst,
since i ate and i drank
far too much. i'll be frank?
if i even inhale, i might burst.
"
"""have you heard? widow jones won ten grand!
and she's dating a speed-metal band!
they're the age of her son?
something has to be done!""
""just belt up! or else talk to the hand.""
"
"there's a mallet we use for croquet
or for croquet, as britons may say.
it's the long wooden type
used to give balls a swipe
through a hoop on a bright, sunny day.
"
"when michelle said ""our life's full of gloom;
give me breathing room!""?that spelled your doom.
so whatever you try,
you can kiss her goodbye?
she will not play the bride to your groom.
"
"it's high noon, and the church bells now ring;
we've a ""friend"" who decided to sing.
no confederate, he
gave us up, copped a plea?
so from nooses we're ready to swing.
"
"those dents in the side of your head?
they're blunt trauma?or so the doc said.
though they may look severe,
had they gone ear to ear,
then most likely you would have been dead.
"
"don't expect i'll agree with you when
you do business with criminal men.
if you dumped the whole gang
(who, i'm sure, will soon hang),
i would act with accordancy then.
"
"if you want to impress all your peers
at the pub, just drink twenty-five beers.
while you faint, they will seem
like a nightmarish dream,
and the last word you'll hear will be ""cheers!""
"
"chim chiminey, life sure looks grand
for us sweeps, glancing over the land
from the rooftops up high,
like black crows in the sky;
we are crocky, a soot-covered band.
"
"she daintily swept through the hall,
wearing chiffon and lace for the ball.
like a fairy, so frail,
underfed, short and pale,
she exclaimed: ""well, you can't have it all.""
"
"i'd fallen in love from the start
with her daintiness, breaking my heart:
so i've made it my duty
to guard her frail beauty,
forever, till death us do part.
"
"to daintify boys isn't right:
they'll appear as wet sissies on sight.
in their prissy attire
they are bound to inspire
classroom bullies to push for a fight.
"
"the results you present are confutable?
your logic is highly disputable.
my next paper will show
you have nowhere to go.
(though for cash, my opinion is mutable.)
"
"""here's a list of the things i refuse:
nicotine, fatty meat, sex and booze.""
so said john, who today,
sad but old, passed away.
long or happy?which life would you choose?
"
"though puritans frown, i feel fine
hearing songs about wonderful wine.
they're like ballads to those
whose pale faces turn rose
from a glass of this liquid divine.
"
"in spring we face many desires;
long-forgotten cold coals start new fires?
so old plans pursue now!
in this heat, though, i vow,
a cool drink's what my soul most requires.
"
"you'll find commutativity rules
in most maths, as it's taught in our schools.
a+b doesn't change,
when its terms we arrange:
b+a (using algebra's tools).
"
"roman agents kept caesar advised
that the teutons outside were outsized.
thus informed, he erected
high walls that deflected
their plans?and weren't they half surprised!
"
"""in this drink i want lemon?a slice,""
said the captain, ""and where is the ice?
the titanic's crew must
learn more style, or we're bust.
here's a bell buoy approaching, how nice!""
"
"if i'm looking for christian tv,
cbn is the channel for me.
this broadcasting network
does far-flung, wide-set work:
its impact goes over the sea.
"
"you're a bluffer?you're acting so cold,
but i know that the hand you now hold
is no more than six-high;
you can't win if you try?
i've got aces and eights?time to fold.
"
"we have teddy as hostage, you heard?
and to trick us would be quite absurd.
better do as we sez,
we want one million pez.
unmarked bank notes? no, candy preferred.
"
"when the internet's nothing but trouble,
i can often get help in a bubble
of text from the site.
now to set my life right
takes a click of my mouse?maybe double.
"
"the top of this hill's called its crown,
and from here all the paths must lead down.
at the bottom there's mud,
full of brambles and crud.
and beware of the quicksand?don't drown!
"
"authoritatively he spoke,
commanding us: ""throw off your yoke!
make the logical choice,
and don't follow one voice!""
so we listened and forced him to choke.
"
"i was driving my lorry; it stalled.
the aa were the blokes whom i called.
when the bonnet was raised,
my fix they appraised:
it was petrol i hadn't installed.
"
"your coin must be real?yessiree?
nero ruled back in 60 ad.
but mine's a disgrace,
with augustus's face
and a date that says 20 bc!
"
"it's curtains for sal; he was caught
with his nose in the president's plot.
the report mentions treason,
and that is the reason
sal's prospects aren't looking so hot.
"
"no matter what country i'm in,
i always feel guilty as sin.
""any goods to declare?""
really gives me a scare?
nosy customs guys. why must they grin?
"
"i once knew a girl named olivia?
a beauty, but full of such trivia!
how she chattered and bragged,
and she coaxed, and she nagged!
so i shot this unbearable chivvier.
"
"""by jove!"" bellowed caesar, ""i say!
what a gaul! but i've come back to stay
here in beautiful rome!
my own city! my home!
salve brutus, my son?make my day!""
"
"this translation's a pain, but get to it!
it's agible, so you can do it.
the last chap who tried
did his best?then he died
on the job. but we're sure you'll see through it.
"
"to the editor: sir, your report
stinks of bias, and so i resort
to writing this letter,
demanding a better
account of the facts. yours, a. sport.
"
"our chaplain's a bit of a dope.
but as long as there's box tops, there's hope:
we will help him, collecting
these coupons, expecting
he'll soon have enough to be pope.
"
"in chicago, it's forty below.
cryophilic, i'm yearning to go
kiss a snow-woman. what?
you don't think that that's hot?
unlike me, you were not raised on snow.
"
"she's old, and she's slow, so take care.
you can't sail her just any-old-where.
she made trading a breeze
all across the high seas?
but it's time to retire our crare.
"
"halloween! here's our chance to confuse
and thus consternate parents?our ruse:
we give candy to kids
who'll at once flip their lids?
it's a ploy that we dentists all use.
"
"your honor, this claim is obscene
for some bicycle crunched in between
my new benz and a truck.
it was simply bad luck,
and the plaintiff is only thirteen!
"
"the concolor scheme of all-taupe
filled the french haute-couture with new hope.
but that monochrome style
has been dead for a while?
though it might suit a box or a rope.
"
"our students are idle each summer;
i'm afraid they are all getting dummer.
so let's hire an amuser?
their teacher should choose her?
having fun shouldn't make them grow nummer.
"
"datsun of mine took out a loan;
now he dodges each call on the phone.
guess i audi be mad
or else saab, feeling sad,
since i can't aford much of my own.
"
"the crow's a most dastardly bird.
any praise for this coward's absurd.
his cravenness shows
in the way that he goes
after weak little budgies, i've heard.
"
"the evidence shows you're convictable,
and your sentence appears most predictable
for taking the life
of your innocent wife
whose neck was so soft and constrictable.
"
"the new day dawned upon the sweet green
of the grass, which displayed a slight sheen
from the dew left at night?
like teardrops. a sight
left by pixies, whom no man has seen.
"
"across from my house, right before
the pub's soon-to-be-opened (locked) door
stood the crowd, kept at bay,
who assembled each day
to enjoy all they could (sometimes more).
"
"in the garden i sat all alone;
i felt free, as one feels on one's own.
seeing plot after plot,
i completely forgot
through whose work all these plants here had grown.
"
"writing programs for fun, you're a hacker,
a nerd and a social-skills slacker.
but if it's your job
making dough for the mob
through the internet?then you're a cracker.
"
"most parisians might look askance
as the federalists hope for a chance
at departmental rule,
since there's always some fool
who would cling to old centralist france.
"
"""tomorrow i will,"" so you say,
""do ? whatever. now please go away.""
it is always the same;
you're so good at this game?
crastination's the word of the day.
"
"he arose with the sun and got cracking
to flee from nepal without packing.
""i'd expected,"" he said,
""just some small-talk. instead,
she went on half the night with her yakking.""
"
"""three no trumps,"" i declared, ""that's my game.""
and then dummy went down?what a shame!
with no aces to share,
we now looked a fine pair
of bridge players, sharing the blame.
"
"mother frances cabrini was bent
on teaching in china what lent
and easter's about.
but it didn't work out:
instead to new york she was sent.
"
"if you ever fall into a basin
of attraction, there's no need to hasten
either this way or that.
you are bound to end at
the attractor you thought you were chasin'.
"
"""harry flashman,"" tom brown would aver,
""is a brigadier-general and 'sir',
but a coward, a fool
and an egotist who'll
sell his country; in one word: a cur.""
"
"umberto has penned a new skit,
and his critics are bound to admit
they have no room to carp:
it is lively and sharp,
and its dialogue crackles with wit.
"
"i've no clubs, partner's heartless, and so
he leads clubs, i lead hearts, to and fro.
i will trump all his stuff?
as will he: we crossruff.
the declarer won't enter this show.
"
"i was going to visit my gram,
but the traffic was all in a jam.
a tram was derailed
by a nanny who failed
to heed signals while pushing her pram.
"
"i've been deafened by years on the line
with machines and their mind-numbing whine.
now my hearing is lost
(and at quite a high cost).
still, the silence at last seems divine.
"
"at dawn, it's the lark's sweet delight
and his music that brings me respite.
he can deafen the sound
of the traffic around,
and his song makes my whole world seem right.
"
"as a shrimp, gina's not a bad egg,
but this decapod's well known to beg:
""mommy, why can't i swim
with that octopus, tim?
i would whack off a leg and a leg.""
"
"argentinian ranchers' worst plight
is the desmodont's blood-sucking bite.
their bottom line's slipping?
in red ink it's dripping?
this bat drains their cattle each night.
"
"to find comfort and soften his pain
he drank daily and deadened his brain,
downing gin, whiskey, rum
just to make himself numb?
all this boozing has left him insane.
"
"the decedent (his name's billy bob)
choked to death, when he stuffed his great gob.
had he cut up his sole
and not swallowed it whole,
he'd be with us today, the old slob.
"
"the defendant said, ""i didn't do it!
here's my proof, but you need to pursue it.""
he then gave us the name
of the person to blame.
the jury, though, chose to eschew it.
"
"my income-tax forms are a pain:
all these questions they ask?pure chicane!
""what size shoes do you wear?
and what colour's your hair?""
either i'm mad, or they lack a brain!
"
"to debilitate (weaken) your foe,
you should taunt him and deal him a blow,
make him suffer and sweat,
be as mean as they get,
box his ear, bite his nose, break his toe.
"
"twas a chanceable meeting for chris:
he encountered this wonderful miss,
and together they walked
through the park, laughed and talked.
till her father arrived, it was bliss.
"
"we have suffered some damage you say?
those rebels tossed tea in the bay?
there'll be no greater harm,
so no cause for alarm!
they're not dumping our king?just earl grey.
"
"half awake, i first whimpered, then cried:
""what a headache! i wished i had died!
i had far too much gin!""
but i then heard the din
from the pub, yelling ""come back inside!""
"
"looking out at the sea, i feel glad
when i think of the times that we had
with our dreams still in reach.
now they're stones on the beach;
as they crunch underfoot, i feel sad.
"
"while star-gazing saturday night,
caveman dana saw one become bright.
he exclaimed ""oh, what fun!
i will call this the sun.""
then it dawned on him: he'd seen the light.
"
"i don't change, i'm a constant, says ?,
just like e is, and ?, and ?.
you prefer the complex?
forget variable x!
i know just what you need: it is i.
"
"the museum's chock-full, heaven knows:
learn?d folks trampling other folks' toes.
but the study that's mine
is the sampling of wine.
(tyre and nineveh perished?wine grows.)
"
"his dastardy puts him to shame,
so i won't even mention his name.
deserting his mother,
his father and brother?
the coward! but who is to blame?
"
"it's for summer our hearts always yearn,
for the life among trees, grass and fern,
with no rainclouds around
to extinguish the sound
of the crackle, as villages burn.
"
"he never ate birds' nests or whelps
while in china, our champion mike phelps.
he admits just one vice:
""racing dolphin's quite nice?
you don't have to swim fast, but it helps.""
"
"as i ponder the civilisation
of rome?its deterioration?
i see parallels now,
so i'm wondering how
we might fend off our own declination.
"
"your performance was deemed deadly boring;
both your critics and fans started snoring.
all agree that it's true:
no one bores them like you.
so your next public show i'm ignoring.
"
"douglas fairbanks was known to disparage
the life-ending sacrament, marriage.
so each time he was groomed,
this proud stallion, he broughammed:
he would promply run off with his carriage.
"
"we can demonstrate how to climb trees,
how to cook, or steal honey from bees.
we will show how it's done,
so our students, as one,
can repeat what they've seen with great ease.
"
"when you toast that new bride of poor dan,
use constraint, since you are his best man.
you'll be bound for rebuff
if you speak off the cuff?
so be prudent: prepare a prim plan.
"
"my dear friend, your compliance is great,
and whenever we meet for a date
you will always agree
on the venue with me,
so my outings with you are first-rate.
"
"bridesmaid adelaide, all of us know,
has this itch to get hitched?even so,
her accosting young lew
while he muttered ""i do""
was a sure way to darken the show.
"
"we're a happy co-authoring pair
whose submissions you may want to share.
we've a hundred now posted
(a count we've just toasted).
each one counts: some define, some add flair.
"
"when i visit my brother today,
they will limit how long i can stay:
i'm confined for an hour
to his cell, feeling dour?
but that's nothing to him: he's ""away.""
"
"when young neptune was told ""clean your room"",
he would foam, disregarding his broom.
but to ward off jove's wrath,
he'd still skim off the froth
from the waves ? hence despume, we presume.
"
"""we first were fried crisp, but then split.
on this hot baked potato we sit
together with chives
who were chopped up with knives.""
so tells us a crushed bacon bit.
"
"to study this subject i can't
just rely on ""i won't"" or ""i shan't""
or ""i hope"" or ""i trust"",
but ""i may"" and ""i must"",
if i want to secure my next grant.
"
"aoristically speaking, he did;
what then happened, however, stays hid.
did he finish somehow?
does he still do it now?
looks like greek to you? surely, you kid.
"
"""to deny the existence of god,""
said our minister, ""strikes me as odd:
from the footprints i see
it's apparent that he
walked beside me, wherever i trod.""
"
"for that michelin star the chef bows
to a menu the critic allows:
so he'll dish out a meal
of no second-class veal,
having known (by first name) all the cows.
"
"having worked like a mule in the hills,
i get dished out my pay in small bills.
like an ass, now i think
all this cash is for drink,
since my envelope's stuffed to the gills.
"
"a dismemberer, true to his art
(like an artist), draws strength from the heart,
sketches plans, then gets tools,
goes ahead, seeks out fools,
draws his victims aside, then apart.
"
"a disqualifying foul was just made
and the league's set the price to be paid:
you've been mean on the field
and your actions will yield
a suspension from games yet unplayed.
"
"cassius clay's now muhammad ali.
dancing butterfly?sting like a bee.
in atlanta we saw
this man's trembling paw
hold the torch that all nations should see.
"
"as a name, plain tobacco mosaic
virus does sound to me quite archaic.
so acetyl... (plus later,
ending ...serine) has greater
appeal?it looks more algebraic.
"
"if there's one thing old leaders enjoy,
it's to send out, position, deploy
their young soldiers at night
who are ready to fight
and engage in a seek and destroy.
"
"the painter has taken great care
in this piece that he calls the black square.
it is abstract (says dad),
but i think we've been had:
i could spray-can the thing i saw there.
"
"when i look at your website, i think
that the functions for searching all stink.
your main page doesn't show
which direction to go.
what it lacks is a useful deep link.
"
"to see a true gourmet grow faint,
we prepare something costly, yet quaint?
a dish so exquisite
that's well worth his visit?
but call it, most modestly, daint.
"
"your critic's a rat, i agree,
but while snapping at people like me,
you are missing the jerk
who's been dissing your work?
like a dog barking up the wrong tree.
"
"a constrictable rodent fell prey
to a connoisseur boa today.
this delectable prize
was compressed into size
and washed down with a fine chardonnay.
"
"""my hairline,"" says john, ""is erratic:
though the sides flee at speeds most dramatic,
my crinion's not
moving one little jot.
so my looks leave me far from ecstatic.""
"
"dr no's evil schemes meant to kill
agent 007? a thrill!
has he never yet thought
that his plans are as naught,
when the dauntless james bond's on the bill?
"
"it's a strain, all this pain in the pit
of my arm, and it looks like a zit.
my gp said, ""don't fuss!
just a pocket of pus
we call acne inversa?that's it.""
"
"the concludency of the contrived
so-called ""data"" your partner derived
from a hoax was a crime.
now you both will do time,
given none of your patients survived.
"
"""he who waits, will receive,"" so they say.
""look ahead to what may come your way.""
who looks back, though, well knows:
""all that comes, also goes.""
so i'll take all i get from today.
"
"the affairs of the rich aren't for you?
nor for me?with posh parties i'm through.
let them scoff all they will,
like the swine in their swill,
or whatever these folks choose to do.
"
"come on, now! the sun's shining bright!
shake a leg, be alert?like last night!
i've made plans for some hikes
or a trip on our bikes;
no more pubs though?you were quite a sight ?
"
"waste no time, barman, hurry and bring
me a drink, and your praise i will sing.
guests arrive, briefly stay,
but they all pass away;
in this pub, you're the one constant thing.
"
"a boy with a story untold
grows up, to a man, then grows old,
sings his song, ""lie-la-lie"",
and though now he seems shy,
as a boxer he must have been bold.
"
"caveman dana called bill (who's his butler). he
asked: ""is there nothing that's subtler? we
stuff our big maws
with our huge hairy paws;
it is time i invented some cutlery.""
"
"as we wander this way, it's morality
that guides us far more than mortality:
pole to pole is our goal,
but free will takes its toll,
so we drift from a pure axiality.
"
"the chaos computer club's hackers
are known to be web-site attackers.
but the faults that they find
they report. so be kind:
they are heroes?we don't call them ""crackers""!
"
"little-endian byte sex i've seen
on my shiny new windows machine;
my old macintosh, though,
was big-endian; so
all my files just dump junk on the screen.
"
"a curse word is what you may shout
when nobody else is about,
such as bummer, gosh, rats;
you may call your mates ""prats"",
for it lets all your anger flow out.
"
"bless your presence, illustrious sir!
as i'm sure that you soon will concur,
savile row boasts no finer
handmade cloaks; our designer
creates wonders from velvet and fur.
"
"a decimetre (tenth of a metre)
when cubed will define a full litre.
that said, it's okay
in the u. s. of a.
to insist that ""four inches"" looks neatre.
"
"when my sister brings over her tots,
their spills leave my carpet with  spots.
once they've gone, i will rush
with detersive and brush,
and the worst ones i'll cover with pots.
"
"from ash wednesday to easter i fast,
and dry bread is my only repast.
i deny myself sweets,
coffee, beer and all meats.
(there are years when i hardly can last.)
"
"as a fast-food defier i try
to steer clear of those places that fry
all their grub in a vat
full of gut-building fat?
i am not a ""large fries with that!"" guy.
"
"wormwood's dealings are shady, we're told?
he would sell his own mother for gold.
when he's tempting a fool
he will use any tool?
screwtape's hoping another is sold.
"
"you know tapas? they're tiny but yummy,
and my children concur that they're nummy.
these delices slip
from my lip to my hip
and have added a pooch to my tummy.
"
"sergeant pepper's old boys always meet
to play drums in a house down the street.
since they deafened their pad,
all their neighbours are glad:
now they can't hear a sound from that beat.
"
"even though i may look a strange sight
when i speak, all my teeth clamped down tight,
i am not a ventriloquist,
just a dentiloquist?
my tone is as tight as my bite.
"
"there's a desk in my office: a table
whereupon, when i'm willing and able,
i compose angry letters
to my elders and betters?
my career as a clerk seems unstable.
"
"our computer with bugs did abound;
in its code, though, there were none around.
then came grace with her broom
and swept clean the whole room,
while recording each insect she found.
"
"your dinner jacket's elegant flair
looks both formal and tr?s debonair.
its white sheen, your black tie,
make me ponder, though, why
you chose purple to colour your hair.
"
"a billboard's a place where you post
news of offers you might want to boast.
be it jewels or junk,
costly wood, snuff or punk,
it's the adverts that help you sell most.
"
"with the allied invasion at hand,
our drowner washed up on the sand;
the abwehr, deceived
by this plan, now believed
that our troops in sardinia we'd land.
"
"god almighty: creator of time,
and of space, and of life, and of slime
from which we then arose?
and we work. that fact shows
he's omnificent, great, and sublime.
"
"""euclid wasn't obtuse, but acute;
though this postulate here is a hoot!""
lobachevsky did shout,
as he tossed the fifth out?
""my geometry's more absolute.""
"
"change the name of some file to ""dot name"",
leaving all of its contents the same;
it's invisible now,
but please don't ask me how
to reverse that; i carry no blame.
"
"of compassion, that man showed no sign:
he was beastly, dislikeful, malign.
what a cad, a disgrace
to the whole human race!
just like me?and i killed the old swine.
"
"your belligerence drives me berserk;
you're an ill-mannered, arrogant jerk!
if it weren't such a sin,
i would bash your brains in?
what a glorious, mind-numbing perk!
"
"a limmrick like this one (bye me)
may sooon be produced by pc.
wiht no signle misteak
that a human miht make
butt who wood it's authour than bee?
"
"take an element e of group g,
and collect all the elements z
for which ez's the same
as ze. then the name
that we give to this set's cg(e).
"
"said a wonderful circular curve,
""ellipsoidal's your shape, dearest merv?
so please straighten up, hon!
let your foci be one!
i can't kiss an eccentric old perv.""
"
"a blinkered flat-earther named paul
cried, ""you ball-lovers do have some gall
saying, 'pie in the sky
can't be right?that won't fly.'
just keep clear of the edge, or you'll fall.""
"
"rules, when axiomatic, we trust
and don't question?but sometimes we must.
when there's serious doubt,
we can chuck them all out.
so it's ""axioms?use 'em or bust!""
"
"an insightful, terse definition
of the deviant mental condition
to be faced by whoever
pulled all this together
as seen in this verse exposition.
"
"""i've a dream,"" dr king used to say,
""that the world will be better some day.
i imagine a place
where the whole human race
comes together?to work, and to play.""
"
"my architect's master design
for a castle looked truly divine.
he made cuts ... this and that ...
what i got was a flat!
(that's a glorified pen fit for swine.)
"
"recent tests show that so-called ""iqs""
bear no strong correlation to who's
rich or poor, black or white,
male or female, but might
correspond with the size of your shoes.
"
"robo-hunter, rogue trooper, judge dredd,
halo jones, the v.c.s, durham red:
in 2000 ad
all these ""people"" you'll see;
and the weirdest is tharg, who's the ed.
"
"your candies are ""sweets"", as we say
in playgrounds throughout the uk.
whether candies or sweets,
these confectioners' treats
are a neat source of dental decay.
"
"""beam me up, scotty, now!"" yelled jim kirk,
""from this klingon convenience store clerk
who insists that i pay
for my own milky way;
you must get me away from this jerk!""
"
"as i read your mean verse, i must grin.
i will wed her: this beauty i'll win!
she is courtable, see,
not to you, but to me,
since i too am besotted with gin.
"
"you write well? i write better than you!
an inventor you are? i am too!
i have been there before,
broke the bank, set the score.
whatever you try, i've been through.
"
"""in the courtroom, i hope to elicit a
mistake,"" said the clever solicitor.
""the accused said his sister
was living in bicester,
but i'll prove his sis is in cirencester.""
"
"""i bought corn cakes, in hope of a snack,
on a visit down south,"" said jean-jacques.
""this american craze,
making bread out of maize,
left me praying i'm never sent back!""
"
"the cremationist shuns a big stone
and a hole in the ground of his own.
in the furnace he'll burn,
and to ash he'll return,
and then fill a big urn all alone.
"
"""i'm afraid, i shall have to dishabit
the fox from his den,"" said the rabbit.
""that villain must go;
though his house is, i know,
just a hole in the ground, i will grab it.""
"
"when june plays a tune on her lute,
and bill tries a trill on his flute,
her chords and his mordent
are always discordant?
their keys are in constant dispute.
"
"in the war you designed a machine
that turned code-breaking into routine.
since my wife's such a rambler,
please build a descrambler
to tell what on earth she might mean.
"
"our highly developed new pet
has co-authored a book with his vet.
we'd improved his phonetics
through human genetics.
(this combo we've come to regret.)
"
"my blanket is fluffy and frilly,
which is good, because else i'd feel chilly.
with ice on my nose
and my fingers and toes,
i might freeze, and that wouldn't be be thrilly.
"
"in paris, for breakfast i take
neither bread, nor ryvita, nor cake.
but croissants (that means ""waxing""),
and although they are taxing
my girth, i adore every flake.
"
"""what's the denier count of this hose?""
""thousand dens, maybe more, i suppose.
but we'll have to re-measure
this nylon-based treasure,
since chainmail's the type that you chose.""
"
"i dreamed just last night of a fairy
who asked: ""care to fly to my aerie?
a place way up high
like a nest in the sky?""
acrophobia, though, made me wary.
"
"my penis is blistered! folks stare
and they tell me, too late, to take care.
other nudists here say,
""if you sunbathe all day,
first apply some good sunblock 'down there'.""
"
"i'm a donkra: my father's an ass,
and my mother's a zebra. alas,
i'm infertile, mutated,
completely frustrated.
i take solace from potfuls of grass.
"
"many days caveman dana devoted
to assure his first boat would be coated
with layers of lead
to bump sharks in the head?
no surprise that the thing never floated.
"
"dermatologists study your skin.
is it medium, fatty, or thin?
is it freckled or not?
but, hey, what's that black spot?
a surgeon should now be called in.
"
"you know cocoa? it's made from a bean
which in europe had never been seen
before spanish invaders
and sailors and traders
came home with this gift for their queen.
"
"your cantankerousness drives me insane!
all your ranting, again and again,
just drives me berserk,
you insufferable jerk.
why can't you write english, like, plain?
"
"they used to build ships for the king.
in exchange he allowed them to bring
foreign goods of all sorts
to the land of cinque ports;
as for taxes?they meant not a thing.
"
"the camel is not very pretty.
and all one can do is to pity
this substitute horse,
invented, of course,
by a limerick writers' committee.
"
"four hell's angels once met to rehearse
how to fight, to cause pain, or far worse.
said their boss, ""we should state
it's rev. 6 (2?8),
when we're asked for our chapter (and verse).""
"
"joe's a doper, which means joe does dope.
and i fear that for joe there's no hope.
though i plead and i shout,
joe will never get out.
i am joe: at the end of my rope.
"
"disinvestment's the word of the day:
get your cash out of greece, while you may.
all that money in rome
you had best now move home.
(the gold in geneva can stay.)
"
"jimmy cross-dresses: cultured meets punk.
his style is part noble, part junk.
so his mother berates him,
insults and frustrates him.
jim's now in a total blue funk.
"
"i'm in love, which has rotted my brain.
but i'll say it again and again:
though you don't look so glamorous,
you make me feel amorous?
say, garbage man, am i insane?
"
"we were playing a dangerous game:
our getaway-car driver lame,
our pistols mere fakes,
our bombs fairy cakes;
but we still robbed the bank, all the same.
"
"""mr bond, here's a gun you won't shun,""
mumbled q. ""it will silently stun:
to surprise dr no,
hold the pipe up, then blow,
and he's done for before you've begun.""
"
"caveman dana's inventions, so far,
to his friends appeared slightly bizarre.
he would suck burning wood
after meals, saying, ""good,
maybe great; but though close, no cigar.""
"
"i'm a sniper?don't ask me my name,
but beware my dead accurate aim.
i can snuff out a mark
in the daylight or dark;
i will kill, not just hurt, wound or maim.
"
"this fortress, my liege, is defendable,
and our weapons of war are dependable;
you cannot be harmed
from outside?we're well-armed
for defence. we're all brave and commendable.
"
"searching deep in her wide-open eyes,
i forget all around. how time flies
when you're deeply engrossed
with the sight you love most.
i'm an oculist: there my heart lies.
"
"fresh strawberries, sparkling white wine?
demerse one in the other: divine.
or sink sloes deep within
a small glass full of gin.
those are treats your sweet love won't decline.
"
"my sherpa was highly commendable
and in questions of climbing dependable.
when he said, in the snow,
""down that path you can go!""
i was sure that the slope was descendible.
"
"we can't wait while our enemies plan
to come here, kill each child, woman, man.
let's go there?to iraq?
and prevent their attack.
baghdad first. next pyongyang. then tehran.
"
"""let's define the word kitten,"" you say,
and i'm moved to reply: ""that's okay.
maybe one with large breasts,
and quite rabid."" sugges-
tions like this one you treat with dismay.
"
"since the judge snuffed my scheme with his gavel,
all my dreams have begun to unravel.
he curtailed my mean plan
to sell bombs in iran:
i am now serving life, and can't travel!
"
"caveman dana said: ""ouch! caveman dave?
all the bones in my back misbehave.
if you dartle my spine,
i am sure i'll feel fine.""
(acupuncture began in a cave.)
"
"half a pint of sweet strychnine-spiced cider;
a green mamba; a black-widow spider:
what links all these things?
their deadliness stings,
because each is a poison provider.
"
"i've engaged a new intern; she's hired
to assist me whenever i'm tired:
sort my post, pay my bills,
pour me drinks, bring me pills;
spill the beans, though, and?bang!?she'll be fired.
"
"i'm a dustman; i drive a large truck
and collect all the junk people chuck.
but if one of you thinks
my job's rubbish and stinks,
just try living without me. good luck!
"
"when you boil what is left of your beer,
trap the vapour and dump it (no fear:
that's just water). then chilled,
you will find that, distilled,
the result will infuse you with cheer.
"
"on tv, they repeated a key play
in the match, with a slow action replay,
thus repeating a scene
that we all just had seen
on the screen, with a slow action replay.
"
"billionaires have acquired lots of dough.
to describe the amount, you must know
how to write a small one?
that's the first digit done?
and then nine times a zero (or ""o"").
"
"when one-elled, cuculus means ""fowl"";
spelt with two ells, cucullus is ""cowl"".
but cucullllus with four ells?
what the 'ell? any more ells
and a yell may be spelled as a howlllll.
"
"the compellative: alternate name
for the vocative case?they're the same.
as they've dropped out of use,
you will need no excuse
to ignore them?'twill bring you no shame.
"
"in a classless society, all
become equals, the short and the tall;
the courageous, the meek;
the strong and the weak;
and all help if another should fall.
"
"i said: ""dear, would you like a souffl??
or would spam, ham and eggs be okay?""
both suggestions seemed bad
and he got boiling mad,
so we phoned for a pizza that day.
"
"there's a feeling i just cannot hide:
with my mouth opened up side to side
i look like an ape,
full of fear, mouth agape,
when the dentist says ""now, open wide.""
"
"feeling hungry? then come to our chippy:
though the weather at present is nippy,
we provide a hot dish?
fried potatoes and fish?
that will warm you and make you cry ""yippee!""
"
"colorations are tints that you use
to color an object: the hues
it acquires when painted.
(my wife just now fainted
'cause the lipstick i used is chartreuse.)
"
"the radio journalist john
reported how voting had gone.
though no data came in,
he just had to begin:
""we've no news, but ? the show must go on.""
"
"fashions come, fashions go?such is life.
but john had to stay hip for his wife.
first a 70s ""skin""?
but then dreadlocks came in,
and now implants?he's under the knife.
"
"jockey john (10 to 1), riding fast,
all opponents by lengths had surpassed.
but his charger decided
""i won't be derided!"",
threw him off, and they both came in last.
"
"""a corkscrew, a virus, a thread,""
my geometry teacher once said,
""is basically chiral,
like a knife, or a spiral,
or scissors, or even your head.""
"
"i went to the men's for a pee,
when a cutie crabbed up next to me,
moving sideways. his glance
could have started romance,
had he not said ""i've crabs; wanna see?""
"
"when a statement in logic's not true,
then it's false. and that's obvious too:
there's no middle left here;
it's excluded, i fear,
since ""half true and half false"" just won't do.
"
"this guy is a braggart, a yapper,
a mere boy scout who calls himself ""trapper"".
no one trusts him, i know,
further than they could throw
this unbearable liar, this crapper.
"
"if others determined before
that five strokes are a ""par"" target score
for this golf hole, your three
are an eagle. but, gee,
my ""ostrich"" means seventeen more.
"
"on old coats of armour you'll see
a chevron: it's shaped like a v
pointing upwards. or down?
like a smile or a frown?
modern uniforms seldom agree.
"
"i've been censured for speaking my mind.
i can't say what i feel; that's unkind.
i was slammed into jail,
and i've no chance of bail.
those damn judges can kiss my behind!
"
"i engaged to assist my friend joe
to sell knee-cap replacements ""to go"".
yes, i promised i'd do
all the marketing too,
but a drive-thru? i had to say no.
"
"saw a girl all alone by the door,
at this party, and thought i could score:
i engaged her in talk;
we went out for a walk;
but, good grief, she turned out a right bore.
"
"he engages in many a game:
poker, football or chess?all the same.
he participates madly,
and widely; but sadly,
whatever he tries, he looks lame.
"
"""darling dear, shall we go out to dine?
i'm engaging a table at nine.
i'll reserve it till ten,
so we have until then
to eat up, pay and leave, sweetheart mine.""
"
"i now live in a birdhouse, my third
since the second collapsed?how absurd.
it's a box, made of wood,
with a roof, understood?
and intended for me. i'm a bird.
"
"my grandmas, their mothers and more
female relatives who went before
me were ancestresses who
i remember, but too
often hate, disavow and abhor.
"
"""i lost ninety-five pounds in one day!""
""did a surgeon just cut it away?""
""no, i went to a vet
who convinced me to bet
on this horse?which then ran the wrong way.""
"
"although catboats have only one sail
on one forward set mast, they prevail:
so while tempests may blow,
they boldly will go
over waves with the gale on their tail.
"
"""that's my boardwalk you've hit!"" leon roared.
sandra answered, in all sweet accord,
""you're mistaken and i'm
staying put, since this time
both the dice did not land on the board.""
"
"if you falsify something, you show
that it's wrong, false, untrue, a no-go.
there's no morals involved
when such problems are solved,
just a simple, but provable, ""no"".
"
"caveman dana's grand plan to enlight
his tribe's caves were not turning out right.
""see,"" said dana, ""the catch is
we don't yet know matches;
we're left in the dark in the night.""
"
"the disproving of claims may be slow.
some in time are refuted, and though
what is then left around
can appear to be sound,
this is science?so more flaws may show.
"
"the action performed when you're stating
that objects are equal's equating.
they need not be the same
(that's identifying's game),
just ""the same"" in the way you're relating.
"
"even though my mean enemy's near
and i'm under attack, i don't fear.
'cause my house is built strong,
i can hold out for long;
so ""my home is my fastness!"" i cheer.
"
"tied a knot that now can't be untied
even though all your tricks you have tried?
that is fastness for you,
just the same as when glue
to your hand and your hair you've applied.
"
"the delta function's graph appears flat
with just one spike at zero. this ""hat""
that is endlessly tall
and has no width at all
still can cover one unit?how's that?
"
"""a last cigarette? i regret,""
said king louis upon his charrette,
""i'm about to quit smoking
forever?no joking.""
and guillotin answered, ""you bet!""
"
"yore behavin' won't get ya nowhere:
yore loud shoutin', tattoos, shaven 'air.
yo're a no-good low punk,
yo're on drugs, or yo're drunk,
so ah'm callin' da cops, jus' take care.
"
"expectoration demands preparation,
so rehearse without pause or cessation.
when your time comes to spit,
if you're able to hit
that small bull's-eye, you'll cause a sensation.
"
"american football's a hoot;
they wear helmets with face masks?how cute!?
to protect their sweet chins,
their noses, their grins.
the truth is: they're ugly to boot.
"
"caveman dana exclaimed with elation,
""i've come up with one more innovation!
i've invented the knot,
but it seems i forgot
the untying: it lacks enodation.""
"
"cease your envying! you can't be me!
you can't have what is mine, don't you see?
be content that you're you,
for as long as you do
you're the best you that ever can be.
"
"epenthesis: used when a word
gets a sound that is elsewise unheard
just to smoothen the way.
so some folks tend to say
""this idear is somepthing absurd.""
"
"through nutrition all living things can
alter form, size and structure, like man.
we call this ability
evolutility:
useful since life first began.
"
"after years full of lexical chores
our great book will at last hit the stores.
the first fascicle's free,
so oedilf: a ? d
for the cost of the postage is yours.
"
"""let's invent a new language,"" some say,
""to bring order to this disarray.
let's make europe more open
by speaking europan.
(and no funny accents, okay?)""
"
"""we are sticks meant to beat you at will
and an axe with the power to kill;
we're a symbol of might,
be it wrong, be it right,""
said the fasces back then, and now still.
"
"in his rocket ship speeding through space
captain komet has just won the race.
through the sky's empty vastness
he's used his craft's fastness
to take, in the end, the first place.
"
"void and earth, land and sea, night and day,
man and wife, good and bad, work and play?
bipartitely created
by god to be mated,
so stand up in pairs and be gay!
"
"a blackjack resembles a sock
filled with lead or wet sand or a rock.
you can use it to dull
a man's mind, break his skull;
or just wave it?that also can shock.
"
"a bloke who will bore you to sleep;
a pest who may cause you to leap
from the roof of your house;
an introvert louse;
an eccentric?that's me, i'm a creep.
"
"many oxen are kept in a pen,
and students may live in a den.
but wild creatures who slouch
reside in a couch,
nipping out for a bite now and then.
"
"mix some syrups with oils and you'll get
an eclegm. (are you wondering yet?)
if you swallow a dose,
you may think it tastes gross,
as it's medicine. who would have bet?
"
"though you're blamelessly acting, the show
doesn't go quite the way it should go.
you do well; things go wrong?
lights too bright, songs too long.
and your critics will say ""he's so-so.""
"
"four towns in the u.s. of a.
and a couple in canada may
call themselves alta vista,
and maybe i've missed a
few more. let's try google, okay?
"
"my cluelessness puts me to shame,
but i'm stupid, and so not to blame.
tell me, what should i do?
or perhaps, why can't you
do my thinking and act in my name?
"
"caveman dana just stood at the brink
of his cave, and then started to blink.
""i don't like the idea
of wild beasts coming here;
i'm inventing the doorstead, i think.""
"
"one seventy three, then a dot,
then two hundred and three. have you got
one more dot? then let's hop:
two, nought, nought, a full stop,
one nine seven, and that is the lot.
"
"""i see that you cannot conceive
of my plans for you, so please believe
that this present, dear adam,
is now your new madam.
merry christmas,"" spake god. (enter eve)
"
"you look sad; circus work brings you down.
such dispiritedness makes us all frown.
i'm so mad, i could shake you
to wake you and make you
aware what's at stake, you damned clown.
"
"when all the day's toiling is done
and before the night's rest has begun
you will make?for the sake
of a break?no mistake
if you take a small dosis of fun.
"
"my religion has brought me much grief,
though the list of my dogmas is brief.
just three words, which seems odd,
say it all: i am god.
egotheism?that's my belief.
"
"my husband, i swear, must be mental:
he's buying an engine that's dental.
with its faucet, its drills
and its airhose, the thrills
his new plaything will bring won't be gentle.
"
"my husband's loquacious; his chattiness
is second to only his battiness
(he's as dumb as they come).
plus he's got a big bum;
'cause it's fat-filled, it clearly has fattiness.
"
"enumerative combinatorics
date back to the first prehistorics
who counted; relations
like sets' permutations
to them were part cult, part folklorics.
"
"captain komet's a star among stars;
he was first known on venus, then mars,
and wherever he goes
his famousness grows?
like his bills in all milky way bars.
"
"""i was born with no eyes!"" ivy cried.
""i've two ears, so i'm eared, but not eyed.""
""listen, ivy, my dear,""
i replied. ""have no fear;
i'll look after us both."" but i lied.
"
"first engage two toothed wheels, i.e. cogs;
then they're locked, like two cats or two dogs.
now they're moving as one,
which is quickly undone:
disengage them (the cogs, dogs, and mogs).
"
"playing bridge with three ladies, my mummy
felt unneeded, unwanted, real crummy.
when her partner had bid
""six no trumps!"" she just hid
and resigned to the role of a dummy.
"
"campanile, a tower in rome:
to pigeons this building is home.
it's tall and it's stout
well observed from throughout
all the parish where catholics roam.
"
"abduction is what you might face
when you first meet an alien race.
they take you and bind you
where no one will find you?
to area 51's base.
"
"""1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9, 10, 12, 13, 14?"" ""stop! wait!
you left out one amount.
can you not even count?
as a mathematician? oh, great!""
"
"michael knew it was wrong when he shot,
killing john with that gun, did he not?
he, consciously, shamefully,
acted most blamefully.
(six months on probation he got.)
"
"i can take, as a northwest manchurian,
this tasty but stinky fruit (durian)
on a bus, on the sub,
to an inn or a pub;
those southeasterners aren't epicurian.
"
"by ascribing we mean that we say
that some x did some thing one past day.
we don't know if x did;
someone else may have hid
his own deed behind x's this way.
"
"the bride's brazenness puts her to shame.
her excuse is so bold that it's lame:
""as i started to smile
i saw you down the aisle,
and i barfed, so it's you who's to blame.""
"
"i envisage a time when our list
contains all english words that exist;
i see poems abound
on the words we have found.
they explain every one?none's been missed.
"
"autumn 1916: the hot sun
was just up when i loaded my gun.
then for hours i lay
in the mud that fine day
till i got my goodbye from bayonne.
"
"when an atom is no longer fit
to retain all its nucleons, it
will shed one of them. later
that turns into beta
radiation and other small stuff.
"
"the element first called coronium
and later renamed to newtonium
seemed to colour the rays
that the sun cast our ways?
but it's now mostly known as balonium.
"
"these projectiles that look really odd,
made of clay, mud or tightly packed sod,
are collected and balled,
but what are they called?
the name that they carry is clod.
"
"caveman dana exclaimed, ""i've in mind
to go tracking more tribes of my kind;
so, to seek such a nation
i'll invent exploration
(or explorement) and see what i find.""
"
"by way of a short illustration
of all men who were great in this nation
malcolm little i choose,
and his story i'll use
in my book on exemplification.
"
"any true collineation projects
points to points, lines to lines, and respects
also spatial conditions
implied by positions?
all a mathematician expects.
"
"continentalise britain? i fear
you mean giving up ale for cold beer.
shall we now be barbarians
like the french and bulgarians?
i'm afraid that's not cricket, my dear.
"
"captain komet has plans for the moon,
spanning craters with domes very soon:
""earthmen won't feel at home in
this place till there's domin',
and first comes a lunar saloon.""
"
"captain komet's immense efficaciousness?
ability matched with tenaciousness,
combined as if planned?
allowed him to land
his ship in the crater's capaciousness.
"
"sir galahad has a new shield
that the college of arms just revealed:
a six-wavy-rayed star
(called estoile) on a bar
flanked by elps on each side of the field.
"
"in polo one aims to score goals
by hitting the ball through the poles.
one needs a fresh horse
for each chukka, of course,
which is why it's no game for the proles.
"
"some people might think it sublime
to live in a sunnier clime,
but they shouldn't complain
if it pours down with rain:
for us slugs the sun ruins our slime.
"
"""now doc, though i know i'm not ill,
my face is blotched brown,"" said young jill
""what you have is chloasma,
a form of melasma.
you're pregnant, or else on the pill.""
"
"as i sat with a friend on a bench,
he hugged me in what was a clench.
i exclaimed, ""sorry mate,
but i'm actually straight
so i'd only do this with a wench.""
"
"butch cassidy and his best friend
the sundance kid used to offend.
they were rough. they were tough.
heck, it wasn't enough;
they still came to a very bad end.
"
"said my dentist, whose name is spinoza,
""your breath is so bad i'd propose a
transplant of your head""
(though this might have been said
with his tongue in his buccal mucosa).
"
"so, burgundy's purplish red,
and a region of france, it is said.
that may well be so,
for all that i know,
but it gives me a very bad head.
"
"professor sir richard s. doll, he
proved that smoking is absolute folly.
why would anyone chance a
bronchogenic cancer?
instead, why not just suck a lolly?
"
"fred astaire was the rko king
of tapping to jazz or to swing.
in dance after dance
he would take every chance
to excel at that old buck-and-wing.
"
"a buoyancy aid that's a vest
is commonly called a mae west.
should you fall from your boat,
it will keep you afloat,
and will treble the size of your chest.
"
"a cannibal chieftain called mark
saw fred, who was chewing some bark.
""eat simon instead, fred?
and as he's a redhead,
it might help you see in the dark.""
"
"said the chondroblast, ""oh, how i hate
to be told that i still have to wait
to be part of this joint.
why not now? what's the point?""
said the chondrocyte, ""that's just your fate.""
"
"since i kissed you that night by the shore,
my lips have been burning for more.
it isn't desire
that kindles this fire;
it's cheilitis that makes my lips raw.
"
"do have some madeira, m'dear,
and don't be afraid to come near.
i see that you're yawning?
perhaps by the morning
my beard could be tickling your ear.
"
"the latin-derived columella
is a word that's a versatile fella:
not just part of a shell,
ear and pine cone as well,
but the end of your nose (that's your smeller).
"
"a championship ought to be fought
with respect, i have always been taught.
when a challenge you meet,
grit your teeth, and don't cheat?
be a sport! (or at least, don't get caught.)
"
"though the roofs and the windows may leak,
and the floorboards all squeak as they creak;
though it's home to some rats,
swallows, woodworms and bats,
i am proud of my house?it's unique.
"
"although on the left i can't hear,
for my heart i have nothing to fear.
cholesteatoma?
a total misnomer?
it's skin, and not fat, in my ear.
"
"at the oscars she'll happily stroll
the red carpet, discussing her role;
but in truth she's relapsing.
the star is collapsing
and falling within a black hole.
"
"now maxwell's been thrown in the slammer,
for killing joan, 'teach', and judge brammer;
but out in the yard,
he creeps up on the guard,
and makes use of his new ballpein hammer.
"
"crocidolite, fibrous and blue,
is a mineral, lovely to view;
but better beware,
for if spread in the air
and inhaled?well, it's curtains for you.
"
"dead crossopterygii stink
like other ex-fish i should think;
but with fins, modified,
like small limbs, on each side,
they're the fish-to-amphibian link.
"
"i insist that you try cullen skink,
it's a soup that the scots love to drink.
smoked haddock's the fish
that's the heart of this dish?
so don't be put off by the stink.
"
"queen cleo was bathing, and said,
""this milk smells like warm almond bread,
and if i can't source
milk from ass, cow or horse,
then amygdalate's perfect instead.""
"
"cystitis?it really is dire;
i think that my urine's on fire!
i'm needing to pee
every minute or three,
and it feels like i'm passing barbed wire.
"
"the candidates think you're a sap,
as they peddle their tired old crap.
they will promise it all,
but watch out, or you'll fall
in their huge credibility gap.
"
"men will claim that they love you to pieces,
but daughters, pay heed to my thesis:
they are driven by lust.
you won't see them for dust
once they find you've succumbed to cyesis.
"
"in the gym i'll lift weights till i'm straining,
and i'll jog even though it be raining.
when my friends ask me why
i'm a grouch, i reply,
""well, it's just that i'm always cross-training"".
"
"a salty old pirate named greg
was attacked by a bloodsucking cleg.
he exclaimed, ""i don't care;
she can suck away there
and get nothing?it's wooden, that leg.""
"
"a swede, who had lost all her toes
could no longer go out in the snows.
her doctor said, ""imogen,
it's cryofibrinogen?
the next thing you'll lose is your nose.""
"
"when you suffer a seizure that's clonic,
the start of it's usually tonic;
but you're having a fit,
not imbibing a bit
of a drink for a boost?how ironic.
"
"on my yacht i eat food mainly tinned,
(though i could catch some protein that's finned).
i might even risk greens
to go with my beans;
so to speak, i sail close to the wind.
"
"my mood-swings and sweats and hot flushes
are worse than a bad case of thrush is.
i'm sure that the cause'll
be i'm menopausal;
the climacteric's causing my blushes.
"
"what you have is no keloid, fibroma,
benign swollen gland, or lipoma.
the cause i confirm
is the epstein-barr germ.
your condition is burkitt's lymphoma.
"
"my definitive clinical trial
of viagra against spanish fly'll
be run double blinded?
though i'm open minded,
the evidence stands out a mile.
"
"to bolster your pregnancy hit rate
take clomid (or clomiphene citrate).
your multiple cuties
will need lots of booties;
you'll just have to bump up your knit rate.
"
"on his stall he may promise to please yer,
but he'd rob yer as fast as he sees yer;
he's a chav, he's a plank, a
complete merchant banker,
but thinks he's a real cockney geezer.
"
"if beauty is only skin deep,
and fashion is following sheep,
then i have a thesis
that really cosmesis
should not command prices so steep.
"
"clonazepam's used to treat fits.
as a benzodiazepine it's
inclined to cause sleep
much faster than sheep,
or listening to brahms' greatest hits.
"
"i've a biosynthetic balloon;
at night it shines bright as the moon,
for it's made of pure silk,
which is white as iced milk
(but is still just some insect's cocoon).
"
"it isn't the least bit of trouble, ma.
of course dad can borrow my bubble car;
but as he's six foot four,
tell him ""squeeze through the door?
you will just have to bend yourself double, pa.""
"
"calvin coolidge would famously choose
to say little, and never drank booze.
once a girl said, ""i'll get
more than two words, i bet.""
to which coolidge responded, ""you lose.""
"
"a second-rate golfer in spain
kept taking our lord's name in vain.
god's finger was loaded;
the clubhouse exploded.
""oh, bugger,"" said god, ""missed again!""
"
"there once was a fierce great white shark
who took cod-liver oil for a lark.
he laughed, ""now my prey
won't be safe night or day,
'cos i'm able to see in the dark.""
"
"said hadrian, ""legions will cheer
when they see the research i have here.
this large cohort study
has proved to me, buddy,
that soldiers fight better on beer.""
"
"since that wart on my nose was ablated,
and my terrible belching's abated,
i'm more confident. so
if i cure my b.o.
then there's even a chance i'll get mated.
"
"our strictly come dancing defeat
could hardly have been more complete:
not one telephone vote!
even len said (i quote),
""it's just you and your clodhopping feet!""
"
"said clouseau to kato, ""it's plain,
this river we're in is in spain.""
said clouseau's apprentice,
""you're non compos mentis;
it's obvious, sir, you're in seine.""
"
"lieutenant columbo could bring
any killer to book ? here's the sting:
they all thought him a fool,
but they'd crack, as a rule,
when he said, ""sorry, sir, one more thing.""
"
"when ""the practical jokers"" all meet
in the pub at the end of our street,
some wag finds it droll
to clingfilm the bowl
of the toilet?and hence my wet feet.
"
"as a stage-diving, crowd-surfing crib,
ryan jarman has cracked the odd rib;
but stabbing a kidney
convinced him he didnae
want permanent use of a bib.
"
"there once was a cowboy named tony
who fractured his labyrinth, bony.
if you saw him you'd think
he'd had too much to drink,
'cos he kept falling off of his pony.
"
"said piggy (in lord of the flies),
""i just don't understand it. you guys
used my glasses to set
stuff on fire, and yet
a concave lens is what helps my eyes.""
"
"her chasteness was pleasing to view,
as she made her way into her pew.
yet i have heard it said
she's a tiger in bed,
and her chased-ness suggests that it's true.
"
"while clonidine treats hypertension,
it's hardly a recent invention.
though if you've hot flushes,
it might spare your blushes,
so, matron, it's just worth a mention.
"
"the cavalry soldier was keen,
but his boots and his armour lacked sheen,
and his dapple-grey horse
was a problem of course?
it just never appeared to be clean.
"
"though my menstrual woes disappeared
thanks to danazol, just as i feared,
my voice became gruff,
i got spots (bad enough!)
but i wasn't expecting the beard.
"
"as he aims at the board with his dart?
though he's ready to swear, hand on heart,
that he doesn't need brandy
to steady his hand?he
will still need a double to start.
"
"if you're out, and the temperature falls,
or your local vasectomist calls;
if you're freezing, or scared,
then these muscles (they're paired),
the cremasters, will haul up your balls.
"
"my builder is proud and aloof,
and he swears that his course will be proof
against damp from the ground?
but i've doubts, since i found
that he can't fix the leak in my roof.
"
"as a future miss world my ambition?
ending famine and war is my mission!
and to show all the rest
what's most prized in the west?
plastic breasts and expensive dentition.
"
"i'm having a major m.i.!
the pain is so bad i could cry.
get a clot buster fast!
(think i'm breathing my last,
and well really, i'd rather not die.)
"
"if you suffer from gout or arthritis
or postoperative pain or phlebitis,
acemetacin may
take your symptoms away?
or it may simply give you gastritis.
"
"a currycomb's used on a horse
by a groom, as a matter of course,
and not, as you'd feel,
at an indian meal
to strain out the meat from the sauce.
"
"centre-stage i stand, ready to start?
due to nerves, i let out a loud fart;
though there isn't a smell,
they've all heard, i can tell,
so i'll just quit the stage, and depart.
"
"the coach took a look in my locker
and yelled, ""oh, my god, what a shocker!
you've got drugs?it's a bust!""
i said, ""chill, coach, it's just
for my calcium channels a blocker.""
"
"""get down to the hospital, nell!
your husband ain't doing too well.""
said the doc, ""it's severe?
""he is brain dead, i fear.""
and she asked him, ""but how can you tell?""
"
"when i suffered a ruptured aorta,
i was given the blood of my daughter.
the bleeding (abdominal)
was truly phenomenal;
thank heaven blood's thicker than water.
"
"in the hell of the second world war,
the blitzkrieg brought bloodshed and gore.
now as europe unites,
and has done with such fights,
pray the tanks need not roll anymore.
"
"my grandfather hamish mcwheezin
declares, ""wear more claithes if ye're freezin',
and cast ne'er a cloot
afore may is oot,
or ye'll never see june wi'oot sneezin'.""
"
"you'll enjoy the way words are defined
the oedilf way?a format maligned
as just cheap comic verse,
but it's pithy and terse,
an homage to the wit of mankind.
"
"the government wants me deported
to my motherland. this will be thwarted?
i'll avoid any trial
through my natural guile
and the due legal process, contorted.
"
"a doctor named gregory house,
when quizzed by his minions, would grouse:
""it isn't cirrhosis?
the right diagnosis?
it's lupus, or caused by a louse.""
"
"the sleet and the snow i find pleasing,
though others are wheezing and sneezing.
since i'm crymophilic
i find it idyllic
to live where brass monkeys are freezing.
"
"your leader was bad and a fool.
we deposed him for being so cruel.
democratise now!
(and let us show you how
to elect the tool we'd like to rule.)
"
"in the dining room's where you should eat,
at the table, ensconced in your seat?
not in front of the box
in your boxers and socks,
with the dog licking crumbs off your feet.
"
"as a bit of a quack, it's my thesis
the fee i can charge you increases,
if, instead of a cuss
and, ""you're pouring with pus!""
i say, ""sir, you have diapyesis.""
"
"i used to think i was a blairite;
free markets ensure a fair share, right?
but thanks to his lying,
our soldiers are dying.
some want him in court?i think they're right.
"
"disinterested means that you'll dare
to be honest, impartial and fair,
but not that you're snoring,
find all of it boring
and really you just couldn't care.
"
"long lashes like that?i adore 'em!
though you may think i'm lacking decorum,
as a follicle mite
i just might take a bite.
i'm demodex folliculorum.
"
"it's a cruel and unusual blight
to inflict on a man in my plight.
it's enough, i would think,
to be locked in the clink,
without conjugal visits each night.
"
"the earthworms' hermaphrodite state
means they lie head to tail when they mate.
the clitellum produces
their conjugal juices?
now that's what i call a blind date.
"
"young man, if you smoke, i can tell,
by methods on which i shan't dwell;
but i need not invest
in a cotinine test
(well, it's obvious, just from the smell).
"
"""binge drinking,"" he said, ""is a crime,""
as he passed me my vodka and lime.
then ""drink up!"" he called,
""last orders!"" he bawled,
""ten minutes to chucking out time!""
"
"after chorusing ""yes!"" at kyoto,
our leaders all posed for their photo;
but it seems that the speed
of the change they decreed
has been largo, instead of con moto.
"
"if you smoke, then avoid inhalation;
you can drink, but show due moderation.
take a regular jog,
or your arteries clog
and you'll find that you've got claudication.
"
"i said to our rodney, ""let's stock up
fork handles to sell from the lock-up.""
instead of fork handles,
he's just bought four candles!
""you plonker,"" i said. ""what a cock-up.""
"
"my girlfriend loves pickles and fries,
and garlic with kippers in pies.
her rank halitosis
has caused this chemosis;
her breath's bringing tears to my eyes.
"
"the ciliary arteries supply
blood to various parts of the eye.
from there the blood drains
through the ciliary veins,
and flows back to the heart, by and by.
"
"in russia collectivisation
was seen as a means of salvation
from hunger in town,
keeping grain prices down;
but all that it fed was inflation.
"
"in india, visiting delhi,
i ate curry, and got delhi belly.
my sickness was dire
and my rear was on fire?
my dire rear was bright yellow, and smelly.
"
"when i think that my house has a buyer,
it's strange how my children conspire
to cover the dado
with ink, paint and play-dough;
thank god they can't reach any higher.
"
"cupid's arrow inspired my affection,
but alas it sustained a deflection.
that is my story why
i'm in love with a guy
with crossed eyes and a spotty complexion.
"
"we each have the right to discuss
any subject we want to, and thus
we all must defend
free speech, to the end?
but only for people like us.
"
"what's that word for the first part of night?
is it sunset, or dusk, even twilight?
when the sun's dipped below
the horizon, you know?
of course! it's crepuscule, that's right.
"
"a philosopher yelled out with glee,
""today i'm so glad that i'm me!
'cos i'm ren? descartes,
and i know in my heart
that i think and so, therefore, must be!""
"
"a robot was proud of the house
that he shared with an android?his spouse.
""it's as neat as a pin""
he announced with a grin,
""and when pins stick to skin i degauss.""
"
"at the darpa h.q. in va.
in the course of an average day
they'll spend millions of bucks,
testing driverless trucks.
is it work, or just techies at play?
"
"said my specialist dr. costello,
""you've got crigler-najjar, my young fellow.
the good news for you
is that you've got type 2,
which is why you're not dead, you're just yellow.""
"
"kenneth williams could get quite irate,
nostrils flaring, tormented, he'd state,
""i am not staying here,
you've insulted me, dear,
i'll decamp to great portland street, mate.""
"
"don't tell me i'm just a neurotic
or give me an antibiotic.
i've got heart failure, mate,
and a low-output state.
want the proof? feel my pulse?it's dicrotic.
"
"the chief and his cannibal chums
need a plan when a carnivore comes;
they make dye from the crotal
to paint their skin (scrotal)
and hide in the trees with the plums.
"
"he looked in my eyes and he smiled.
i felt flattered, intrigued and beguiled,
but next morning he'd fled?
left ten quid by the bed.
i felt dirty, despoiled and defiled.
"
"my husband said, ""follow the van"",
and i ran fast as any girl can.
dilly-dally? i never!
i think that man's clever?
to dump me was always his plan.
"
"by hurricane winds we were blasted.
the gods seemed to want us lambasted.
yes, we rounded the horn,
but the first rays of dawn
found us sailless, forlorn and dismasted.
"
"a sordid affair? i won't risk it.
the sex is banal, and so brisk it
will just leave me restive.
i'll take a digestive;
with tea it's my favourite biscuit.
"
"her dress was a long, flowing number,
not at all the right choice for a rumba,
but the crowd cheered with glee
when she tore the skirt free?
the better her legs to discumber.
"
"disemvoweling a word isn't gr8
it's the kind of loose use that i h8
and what kind of a geek
would text ""c u nxt wk""?
not if i c u 1st, my old m8.
"
"i lock my heart tablets (digoxin)
in the drug-box i stash all my stocks in.
this pill may be great
and my heart rate abate,
but too much, you will find, is a toxin.
"
"the doctor said, ""this is a quick test,
and though it is known as a dick test,
it checks your protection
from strep a infection,
and isn't a dipping-your-wick test.""
"
"a maid who eloped with her blade
woke up the next morning dismayed,
for her lover had flown,
she was all on her own,
and to make matters worse?she'd been paid.
"
"there's a heavy old cart called a dray,
that the brewers used (back in the day)
to deliver their beer
to the pubs, far and near,
and was powered completely by hay.
"
"beware of this sneak-thief, the drawlatch:
at night he may open your doorlatch.
you will wake the next day
to be filled with dismay?
so in future, don't buy such a poor latch.
"
"johnny fartypants' greatest invention?
a flatulogenic suspension?
it made his pumps tuneful,
but more than one spoonful
caused fatal colonic distension.
"
"i courted a mermaid named trish?
to marry the girl was my wish.
she declined, with a blush,
""i'm afraid i'm a lush,
and the truth is i drink like a fish.""
"
"dick put on a wig and some lipstick.
his dress made him look quite a hip chick.
at the drag race the guys
stared at dick in surprise,
since the race was for cars?what a dipstick.
"
"""as dead as a doornail"" it's said.
why should that nail be any more dead
than a coffin-nail, say.
at the end of the day,
wouldn't that hit the nail on the head?
"
"there once was a sheepdog named rover,
who worked for a drover from dover.
they herded a lamb-flock
which only ate shamrock?
that drover from dover's in clover.
"
"dimethicone's good for the skin?
keeps dirt out and keeps moisture within.
i've used it for years,
and so now, it appears,
i'm not half of the age of my twin.
"
"a job that was really a chore?
i once worked selling doors, door-to-door.
my successes were few:
it was catch-22,
always?knock?""oh, you've bought one before.""
"
"i am struck with the deepest compunction.
yes, i knew that our sexual conjunction
was doomed from the start,
for (viagra apart)
i've ed?that's erectile dysfunction.
"
"it's my home, both a house and a dwelling,
but next door they keep fighting and yelling.
what's more, there's a stench
(they may even be french!),
which has made up my mind, and i'm selling.
"
"if i say so myself, i look neat
when i sashay down carnaby street
clad in velvet and mink
(dyed a delicate pink),
yet some ruffians find me effete.
"
"if you suffer from duhring's disease,
you will scratch like a dog plagued by fleas.
a gluten free diet
and dapsone?just try it?
will lessen your rash by degrees.
"
"you have plague, and a worm (parasitic),
dropsy too, and your knees are arthritic.
your ill humours converge,
and i urge you to purge?
this prescription is for an eccritic.
"
"bruce sniggered, ""jeez, mate?that was funny,
to see that i would have paid money.
can you do it again?""
i said, ""shut up!"" and then,
""help me get myself out of this dunny.""
"
"my film about geordies out clubbing
came in for a critical drubbing:
""it might have been best
if you'd thought to invest
in some subtitles, signing, or dubbing.""
"
"i got such a terrible shock
when i sank to my neck in the drock,
for the water i'd spied
came scant half up the side
of the ducks. oh, it's easy to mock!
"
"your syndrome is called djs,
named for dubin and johnson, i'd guess.
though it may make you yellow,
the good news, young fellow?
your lifespan won't be any less.
"
"zimbabwe? i still say rhodesia.
antacid? that's milk of magnesia.
ask me anything new
and i won't have a clue?
could it be i've developed dysmnesia?
"
"i'll forgo all life's pleasures exotic,
and complex positions erotic.
'neath a tree, bread and wine,
plus a book?just divine!
all the things i like best are demotic.
"
"a homeopath takes the view
ten dilutions are stronger than two.
does he think i'm a mug?
there'll be less of the drug
than there will of the jugs it's been through.
"
"i said to my grandfather, keith,
""you're not dentulous, though you have teeth.
because, as we've shown,
yours were bought and not grown,
and you've nothing but gums underneath.""
"
"i entered my steed for a race,
to impress all my friends with our pace.
i admit, with remorse,
i was forced to dishorse,
and of course ended flat on my face.
"
"this grand and respected physician
could diagnose any condition.
""i will say what you've got,
but i warn you you're not
to get better without my permission.""
"
"""i denounce the way some people pounce
on the way i've been taught to pronounce.
i am fraught at the thought
that they'll thwart or distort
my comport,"" she announced with a flounce.
"
"this steep wooded valley has been
a two-mile-long ribbon of green
since lord armstrong donated
(and largely created)
newcastle's sublime jesmond  dene.
"
"when you're well past your three score and ten,
and you smoke and you drink and chase men,
then low bone mineral density
will cause a propensity
to fractures?again and again.
"
"so you think we've invaded your nation
and you need to express your frustration?
cast your vote, make it clear?
it's the reason we're here:
to encourage democratisation.
"
"with my home i am perfectly matched:
i'm quite bald, but like me it's been thatched.
friends and family have flown;
i live all on my own?
like my house i'm completely detached.
"
"you've got pus in your chest (empyema),
not just holes in your lungs (emphysema).
still, there's no need to fret,
you've got several hours yet
to get ready to meet your redeemer.
"
"my restaurant, once famed as an eating house,
became for you vagrants a meeting house,
and thanks to the way
that one tea lasts all day,
i've gone bust?so go find a competing house.
"
"here's an edible frog for your lunchy?
i know you love something that's munchy.
i've peeled off the skin,
but i've left the bones in.
(if i hadn't, it wouldn't be crunchy.)
"
"some say moses, a man of renown,
had a syndrome which caused him to frown.
ehlers-danlos meant he
tied his ass to a tree,
yet could walk all the way into town.
"
"""i haven't a complex as such,""
said electra. ""it's just that the touch
of my daddy at night
makes me squeal with delight?
and you can't love your father too much.""
"
"if you sweat when you're out in the snow,
or when ladies would not even glow,
dyshidrosis is not
the disease that you've got;
that's an eczema?how could you know?
"
"our elephant's foot in the hall,
is a place to put sticks when folk call.
such umbrella stands may
seem offensive today,
and on ebay?  they don't sell at all.
"
"our eic's called cjs;
he's the guy who's in charge of this mess.
he interprets the rules
for the rest of us fools,
and adjudicates when we transgress.
"
"if your feet swell at night it might be
you've edema. please call your md,
for he probably will
advise taking a pill
to encourage your kidneys to pee.
"
"my appetites, dear, are edacious,
whether meat, drink or sex?i'm voracious.
and with vigour afresh,
i will gorge on all flesh
(it's a good thing my pants are capacious).
"
"de broglie showed everything's got
a small wavelength when moving, though not
one you'd notice at all?
for a served tennis ball
it is ten to the minus a lot.
"
"so, he suffered from depigmentation,
and his lifestyle defied explanation.
he was black, and then white,
""it don't matter"" (he's right),
and still worthy of every ovation.
"
"ah! sweet nurse, when you enter my room,
i go ""boom-boody-boom-boody-boom!""
so defibrillate me,
fix my heart rate, then we
could become such a great bride and groom.
"
"with a cushingoid patient the hitch
is remembering which type is which.
syndrome's suprarenal
(the same as adrenal);
disease?a pituitary glitch.
"
"depaint means to picture, and thence
to delineate, colour, and hence
i was shocked when jay kay
said since i couldn't pay,
he would come back and de-paint my fence.
"
"i said to the hospital porter,
""i've twenty-two sons and one daughter.
this makes twenty-four,
i don't want any more.
give me depo-provera each quarter.""
"
"i've tried out all sorts of protection,
coils, caps, hormone pills?a selection;
but i'm kept in the clear
by just four jabs a year
now i'm using a depot injection.
"
"there once was a young lad named keith
who lost all his deciduous teeth.
his mother said, ""dear,
you have nothing to fear,
you've another fine set underneath.""
"
"thirty years ago now i was caught
in the nude by a girl that i taught.
i stood there, not decent,
and though it's not recent,
i still go bright red at the thought.
"
"""oh my god, i must have melanoma,
or perhaps it's kaposi's sarcoma!""
""relax?you'll be fine,
it's completely benign,
just a simple dermatofibroma.""
"
"chairman mao eyed his wife with affection,
admiring her perfect complexion.
he said, ""my dear pet,
it's my riferong leeglet
that i've so seldom held an election.""
"
"""i've just ordered a spectre detector"",
boasted hector, our gullible rector,
""ghouls are cold, so i'm told,
and a silvery-gold?
one suspects they reflect like electre.""
"
"an ebrillade, when used on a horse,
is a sharp application of force.
when applied to one rein
you will find, in the main,
that it forces your horse to change course.
"
"their car's broken down and they're weary;
the castle looks haunted and eerie.
in the dark, a door creaks,
and the audience shrieks:
""can't you just turn the lights on there, deary?""
"
"let our love be a flame, not an ember.
let it burn with a heat we'll remember?
not a spark that will last
just till summer has past,
but a fire that will blaze till december.
"
"if your legs twitch and jerk every night,
then i think there's a good chance you might
have a syndrome to blame
that is ekbom by name,
and ropinirole may ease your plight.
"
"lord netherbourne liked to emblaze
his regalia in one of two ways,
either sequins and gems,
from the necklines to hems,
or his motto (in mink) ""breeding pays"".
"
"i succumbed to sir gerald's seduction,
and obeyed every whispered instruction.
now my babe grows within?
though i know it's a sin,
i devoutly desire an effluxion.
"
"if an embolus reaches your brain,
you're unlikely to feel any pain,
but you need to act fast?
once three hours have passed,
any treatment you get is in vain.
"
"""by george, that's a tasty libation!
i'm suffused with the warmest sensation!""
i replied with a frown,
""hubert, put that flask down?
you've been drinking mamma's embrocation.""
"
"the duke of york had to resign,
his unsuitable friends crossed the line.
now the ten thousand men
have been paid off again,
is our monarchy on the decline?
"
"archimedes for truth was a seeker?
it struck, and he shouted ""eureka!""
he leapt from his bath,
headed straight down the path,
and then ran through the streets like a streaker.
"
"a cliff can wear down from erosion,
and metals will yield to corrosion,
but both are so slow,
like a glacial flow?
on the whole, i'd prefer an explosion.
"
"no spin-doctor knows what i know, sir;
at scheming i'd say i'm a pro, sir.
though i work for a price,
here's some gratis advice?
keep friends close but keep enemies closer.
"
"there once was a doctor from grantham,
who told me i had an exanthem.
i knew in a flash
what he thought was a rash,
was in fact where i'd splashed amaranthum.
"
"their purpose was largely cosmetic,
improving a woman's aesthetic.
of silicone made
(but industrial grade),
these breasts were entirely enthetic.
"
"your cornea's usually thick.
were you poked in the eye with a stick?
then perhaps your encauma
is due to that trauma?
more likely? your doctor's a dick.
"
"your ""human fly"" costume's athletic,
but, frankly, those boots are pathetic.
if you want some with power
to climb blackpool tower,
try mine?they're electromagnetic.
"
"the evil one sent me to say,
when you die, you'll be heading his way.
he's preparing a pit
where you'll roast, on a spit.
better give up your sinning, and pray!
"
"encopresis: you hadn't a clue
that you needed to go to the loo.
now you stand in distress;
there's a smell, and a mess,
as your pants are inflated by poo.
"
"sarah jane keeps a dog in her attic;
his views, when expressed, are emphatic.
it's k9's opinion
he's more than a minion?
in this, you might say, he's dogmatic.
"
"the oil from that wormwood tree yonder
they use in the booze i feed wanda.
its effects (psychoactive)
make me look more attractive?
so absinthe will make her heart fonder.
"
"if your arteries fur up with crud
and your heart starts to flutter and thud,
or you've just had a stroke
and you think you might croak?
dipyridamole thins down your blood.
"
"diphyodonts shed their first teeth,
they don't care?they have more underneath.
but if these rot away
after years of decay
then my dentures i'll gladly bequeath.
"
"carnivores, after they eat,
need enzymes to break down the meat.
their gi tract drips in
first pepsin, then trypsin?
dipeptidase makes things complete.
"
"although it may not be intentional,
to possess just one heart is conventional.
the doctor is blessed
with two hearts in his chest,
but then he has the space, n-dimensional.
"
"i think that i look quite heroic,
banging nails through my skull bones, diploic.
when folk ask, ""is there pain
as the nails pierce your brain?""
i reply, ""quite a bit?but i'm stoic.""
"
"they played us a film meant to shock us,
or show how the fates seek to mock us,
for the germ that we fear
which will cause gonorrhoea
is shaped just like two balls?diplococcus.
"
"when trying to stay off the booze,
disulfiram's what you should use.
if you drink it will make
you regret your mistake?
when you vomit all over your shoes.
"
"of twenty-two teeth i'm bereft;
decemdentate's the state that i'm left.
now the tooth fairy's been?
left just ?1.15;
i should charge the foul felon with theft.
"
"my client required epilation
(his pubes had a vile infestation).
my razor i gripped,
but i tripped, and it slipped!
the result, i'm afraid, was castration.
"
"if you can't stop the tears, though you're trying,
and your cheeks just need constantly drying,
that's epiphora keeping
you constantly weeping?
your doctor might help you stop crying.
"
"an endocrinologist stands
or he falls on the warmth of his hands?
if it turns out they're cold,
he will surely be told:
""hey you, get your hands off my glands!""
"
"warp drive failing? i care not a jot.
laws of physics? don't give me that rot.
and don't furrow your brow,
please just energise now?
cut the crap, beam me up, mr scott!
"
"when a maximum dose you exceed,
and you start to regret your misdeed,
before breathing your last,
get to hospital fast,
where it's emetine, stat, that you need.
"
"you're a fat lazy slug and you smoke,
but you want me to see you don't croak.
well then, pay some respect to me!
an endarterectomy
might save you from having a stroke.
"
"when i mention the name english bond,
don't be fooled or misled, don't be conned.
it's a pattern of brick,
not an agent who's slick,
with a licence to kill?and a blond.
"
"i'll tell you?a thing kinda gross is
an illness called ehrlichiosis.
it's spread by a tick.
don't that make you feel sick?
well it did?and it's my diagnosis.
"
"my charming oncologist said:
""eaton-lambert's a syndrome to dread.
in your lung there's a tumour,
but keep of good humour?
there's time to be sad once you're dead.""
"
"i'm a drinker, that's easy to see.
i love wine when i'm out on a spree.
though my words may be slurred,
i can always be heard
singing, ""little old enophile me.""
"
"""your depression"", he said, ""is endogenous,
not reactive in type (that's exogenous).
you'll wake early, lose weight,
but the thing you'll most hate
is disinterest in all things erogenous.""
"
"enarthrodial joints shouldn't slip,
as the ball's in the socket's sure grip?
but if you slip and fall
when you trip in the hall,
you could certainly fracture your hip.
"
"i'm confused, as i'm sure you can guess.
i can't sleep for the worry and stress,
since i lost our first folio
and caused an embroglio?
a troublesome, turbulent mess!
"
"an entropion makes your eye hurt,
as the eyelid and lashes invert.
for relief that you seek,
tape the lid to your cheek?
it's a treatment that works, i assert.
"
"an electric light once meant an arc
where the light was produced by a spark,
but now, thanks to joe swan,
we can switch a bulb on
and have instant relief from the dark.
"
"this encomium's written in praise
of my boss, who can't fail to amaze.
he displays super powers!
and his farts smell of flowers!
(do you think he might give me a raise?)
"
"ebola's a terrible virus,
to quash it we'd all be desirous.
as the illness proceeds,
every orifice bleeds.
on the whole? i'd prefer miley cyrus.
"
"pre-eclampsia seems pretty rough,
but eclampsia really is tough.
your bp's so high
you'll have fits, and may die?
isn't just giving birth bad enough?
"
"my razor's been chucked in the bin,
so no more will it redden my skin.
this eflornithine cream
does the job like a dream,
and keeps hairs off my chinny chin chin.
"
"in milliways, eating his lunch,
zaphod beeblebrox stopped in mid-munch.
""this blue-shifted light
goes with apple just right;
i always enjoy a big crunch.""
"
"the musket's a gun that's outmoded,
and has to be carefully loaded.
sam rammed in more powder,
to make the bang louder?
and died when the barrel exploded.
"
"your little black evening dress
has me drooling, i have to confess.
it would show your whole chest,
were it not for your vest?
seems you've got it on backwards, i'd guess.
"
"each year, i must face my appraiser,
who pierces my lies, like a laser.
his barbs, though intense'll
be written in pencil,
and hence'll not faze my eraser.
"
"striking carbon electric arcs blazed!
the public were shocked and amazed.
there was never a light
seen before quite so bright?
that's despite only eight being raised.
"
"count dracula said, with a wink,
""i'm not quite the monster you think.
meet me down at the pub,
or we'll go to a club?
why, i'd give my eye teeth for a drink.""
"
"consider the cute eohippus;
at a gallop it couldn't outstrip us.
the earliest horse,
so we're told, but of course,
had it lived it might nip us or trip us.
"
"burke and hare caused the scots consternation,
using murder to salve the frustration
of anatomists who,
needing bodies to view,
couldn't wait for a real exhumation.
"
"this is simply a fact, not polemic?
to describe a disease as endemic
means you might find a case,
any time, any place.
in the body, you'd call that systemic.
"
"a family, teeming with malice,
the ewings were scheming and callous.
when they ran out of plot,
it was j.r. got shot?
but by whom? you'll just have to watch dallas.
"
"dr. knox's dissections are great!
there's a queue, still it's well worth the wait?
but you'd better take care,
if you meet burke and hare,
or you'll sooner than later be ""late"".
"
"he suffers from asthma and hence
his dyspnoea's often intense,
thus sadly he's prone
to pant hard on the 'phone?
that's the core of my client's defence.
"
"let's elope in my dugout canoe.
we can bid friends and neighbours adieu,
and sail off 'cross the sea
in my hollowed-out tree
with a crew of just two?me and you.
"
"you've driven me quite to distraction,
and so now i demand satisfaction.
you've slandered my name,
and the size of my claim
forms the ad damnum clause of this action.
"
"i won't dress up in any old rag,
i wear heels, and i carry a bag?
but you see, i'm a guy,
so you might say that i
have a high coefficient of drag.
"
"to defibrinate blood from a cow,
you just stir it with twigs from a bough.
for a drink smooth as silk,
you then mix it with milk?
if your god and traditions allow.
"
"debulking a tumour implies
you're reducing its absolute size.
though the cancer's not cured,
you will hope you've ensured
a delay in your patient's demise.
"
"if you're down by the river, be wary:
those fair golden cups won't look scary,
but fall for a drac
and you're not coming back?
you'll be drowned by the mischievous fairy.
"
"an ultrasound scan can detect
venous flow, by the doppler effect.
it will show if you've got
a vein blocked by a clot
when a dvt's what to suspect.
"
"cystometrograms?useful for those
who just cannot control urine flows.
you must pump folk up first,
till they think they might burst,
and they're full when they pee on your toes.
"
"diltiazem, aka dilzem?
folk bring me prescriptions, i fills 'em.
if they ain't polite
well, then sometimes i might
give 'em strychnine instead, which just kills 'em.
"
"my neighbour's a terrible schmuck
since he lets his old dog run amuck.
the edentulous hound
is quite toothless. i've found
that his bark is much worse than his suck.
"
"name the head who can thwart any plotter?
who mentors the young harry potter?
dumbledore with an ""e""
(dumbledor is a bee
or cockchafer?don't snigger, you rotter).
"
"what's a dubliner? i'll tell you flat
that he's full of the craic (full of chat);
he will sit by the liffey,
drink guinness, get squiffy,
and probably answers to pat.
"
"a cricketer, down on his luck,
first ball, on the noggin got struck.
uniquely, in cricket,
judged ""head before wicket"",
knocked out, he was out for a duck.
"
"an hour after food you complain
you've got upper abdominal pain.
i'll predict what you've got
(well, as likely as not):
a duodenal ulcer's your bane.
"
"there's a lush down our street who's a beer hound,
and he shocks passers-by with his deerhound.
i'm loath to disclose
where this dog pokes his nose?
let's just say he's a sniffing-your-rear hound.
"
"when you're citing ""due process of law"",
i'm afraid you might hear me guffaw.
for you see, here's the hitch,
there's one law for the rich
and another for anyone poor.
"
"as they lifted me onto the gurney,
my niece said, ""now quick, uncle bernie,
won't you just sign this here,
to make perfectly clear
i have durable power of attorney.""
"
"those dysentery blues, i sure got 'em;
the world's fallen out of my bottom.
as it runs down my legs
it smells worse than bad eggs,
and i can't put on pants?it would rot 'em.
"
"some towns may be sprawling and gritty,
but durham is compact and pretty.
perched high o'er the wear,
the cathedral, it's clear,
is the jewel at the heart of this city.
"
"joe grundy has had farmer's lung
since the first spring in ambridge was sprung.
he's outlived the departures
of numerous archers?
it's cider and shires keep him young.
"
"the look of your  hospital's great,
and the food has improved, as of late.
it's just such a shame
that i can't say the same
for your soaring fatality rate.
"
"at a quarter past midnight my lad
said, ""i'm off to the pub, to meet brad.""
i said, ""oy! get back here,
you're too young to drink beer!""
he replied, ""that's just fascism dad.""
"
"sid's shy and he's sullen, farouche.
he's got no social skills, and he's louche.
if i tell him ""behave!"",
in bad french he will rave
and just yell at me, ""fermez la bouche!""
"
"on a factory farm way out west,
they're just doing the thing they do best:
planting small metal beans
to grow into machines
that will make any thing you request.
"
"ezetimibe might play a part
in reducing the risk to your heart,
but if chips, fags and booze
is the lifestyle you choose,
then it isn't the best place to start.
"
"you ask me to dance, to amuse me,
little thinking my friends might abuse me?
yet when we are seen
to begin the beguine
they can't wait to step in, with ""excuse me"".
"
"lord sidcup at last passed away,
but his relatives found, with dismay,
that he'd left every pound
to his smelly old hound?
well, it's said ""every dog has its day"".
"
"you epitomise everything that
has no depth, and is totally flat.
that acme brand crate
landed straight on your pate,
with a sudden and deafening splat!!
"
"my son (who's a teen, name of vlad)
had impaled two young girls and one lad.
when i told him, ""you're grounded"",
he looked quite astounded,
replying, ""that's fascism, dad!""
"
"i take pepcid to help ease my heartburn
(some meals that i choose a la carte burn).
so after a curry,
i've no need to worry;
famotidine won't let my fart burn.
"
"""an excipient's used when a drug
is too potent to take as one slug?
which is why, in your poke,
there's more chalk than there's coke""
(says your dealer, who thinks you're a mug).
"
"i'm just so avant-garde?it's my passion.
once impeccably rouged, now i'm ashen.
for it ended in blows,
when gok wan stole my clothes?
you could say i'm a victim of fashion.
"
"a face plant's not something you grow,
it's a term that a skier would know?
on the piste if they're pissed,
get their skis in a twist,
and fall flat on their face in the snow.
"
"ectropion, that's when your lid
doesn't cling to your eye like it did.
tears will constantly leak
in a stream down your cheek?
not a symptom that's easily hid.
"
"ephippidae: fishtank-displayed fish,
with vertical stripes, oft-arrayed fish.
tall, yet thinner than most,
it's the family to host:
the batfish and also the spadefish.
"
"your impudence, sir, is incessant.
i blush, like some gauche adolescent.
you came in without knocking,
as i rolled down my stocking?
my cheeks are indeed erubescent.
"
"you're back from your summer vacation
still looking like ahab's cetacean.
have you partied all night,
and then slept when it's light?
that accounts for your etiolation.
"
"my doctor advised a lobotomy:
""it's only an encephalotomy,
just a slice through your brain
and you'll feel right as rain.""
i'm so shocked! some opinion he's got o' me.
"
"the wart on my nose brought derision;
my surgeon suggested excision.
the decision was made,
but the scar, i'm afraid,
is so large, it's affecting my vision.
"
"willem kolff showed that dialyzation
could replace failing renal filtration;
and he did it, what's more,
in the thick of the war,
while resisting the reich's occupation.
"
"girls in essex all wear a fake tan,
bleach their hair, and drink straight from the can.
when out on the razzle,
they'll sport a vajazzle,
to help in their hunt for a man.
"
"some people might think i'm obsessin',
they don't wet the bed though, i'm guessin'.
this drug's guaranteein'
to keep me from peein'?
it's a blessin' to have desmopressin.
"
"our estates date from time immemorial,
though one earl was (sadly) arboreal.
he loved to swing free,
and to live in a tree,
where the climate was more equatorial.
"
"i've one thing on my mind, and it's this:
to exosculate you, pretty miss.
there is no need to run.
you'll agree that it's fun,
when we kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
"
"a foolish young gambler named bret,
lost his exocrine glands in a bet.
""i'll be a survivor
without my saliva,
and manage without it?no sweat.""
"
"she was young, she was pure, she was fetching.
so he offered to show her his etching.
but up in his flat,
it was not a print that
she was shown; what he drew left her retching.
"
"politicians claimed bogus expenses?
some lived to regret their offenses.
you've cleaned out your moat?
clean your act for my vote!
time to prove that you've come to your senses.
"
"in our satanist sect there's a guy
who's been cursed by a look, and might die.
he blames old evil me,
or perhaps that should be,
that he blames it on old evil eye.
"
"if you say oscar wilde was ""artistic"",
describe die hard as ""hardly realistic"",
say prick up your ears
was ""a load of old spheres"",
your critiques are a tad euphemistic.
"
"when the surgeon removed my bowel (caecal),
it released a foul smell?namely faecal.
synaesthesia meant
that this fetid bowel scent
was perceived as the colour of treacle.
"
"dr. faustus and i made a pact,
that the devil would license his act,
but it ended in tears,
he just wasted those years?
now he's serving a stretch being racked.
"
"""here's a trip to the faroes, half-price,""
said my wife, ""i think that would be nice.""
she means egypt, methinks?
but instead of the sphinx,
all we'd see would be tundra and ice.
"
"my penis is long, as you'll see,
but the hole just ain't where it should be.
in a ten-metre radius,
severe epispadias
means nobody's safe from my pee.
"
"of witchcraft a sign? not a bit.
possession by demons? you twit!
this sickness with falling,
today we'd be calling
a grand-mal convulsion, or fit.
"
"in my youth i found ten times plain sailing,
in my twenties, still nine i'd be nailing.
the decades have passed;
in my eighties, at last,
after just three or four times i'm failing.
"
"there was a young runner named carter
with pain from her fascia lata.
her trainer said, ""jess,
you've got itbs?
it's as tight as a chorus girl's garter.""
"
"in the olden days, tall ships with sails
strove through seas that were riven by gales;
but now armchair tycoons
use exploding harpoons,
and a factory ship strips the whales.
"
"this old man claims to speak faeroese?
his assertion engenders unease,
for it has to be said
that the pharaohs are dead,
and their language has few devotees.
"
"my wife and i went in a space-lift:
it's a take-you-to-space-at-a-pace lift.
the speed that we rose
made her chin hit her toes.
now i'm having to pay for her facelift.
"
"i must have been out of my senses,
so fully to drop my defences,
and be tricked to have sex,
with that slob who's my ex!
trust a man to employ false pretences.
"
"eventing's a sport without peer?
first dressage, then show jump a clear.
next, rider and horse
face the cross country course,
which rightly fills many with fear.
"
"when i'm choosing a cloth for my face,
i have found it is always the case
that plain flannel is best,
with no family crest,
sequins, tassels, or trimmings of lace.
"
"there's a pesky young chancer named bruce,
who for morals and rules has no use.
though not actually bad,
he's a bit of a lad?
people say that he plays fast and loose.
"
"i've become an obsessed vigilante,
because hannibal raided our shanty?
fried ma's liver with greens
and some fava-type beans,
while enjoying a nice dry chianti.
"
"my circus routine was gymnastic,
the response from the crowd just fantastic.
as i bowed they roared ""more!"",
then my pants hit the floor?
now i wish i'd used stronger elastic.
"
"the viking called eric the red
sailed from norway to iceland, it's said;
then fled on to greenland,
that rarely-been-seen land?
he left his poor neighbours for dead.
"
"the judge said my money was fake?
that's a verdict i find hard to take.
especially when,
both the twenty and ten,
took me so many hours to make.
"
"""it's a fact, it's all here in the script,
that you must perform totally stripped.""
the director may say
it's required for the play?
he just wants to see how i'm equipped.
"
"you've schemed and you've lied and you've cheated;
i'm appalled by the way i've been treated.
you're a bounder, a cad,
you're just through-and-through bad?
you're a total...(expletive deleted).
"
"the fauces are found in your throat?
they're the tissues each side which denote
where the food from your mouth
must commence its trek south,
from whence hope of return is remote.
"
"to fabricate illness, some try.
they may claim they've a pain, but they lie.
they're just seeking attention,
and yet i should mention,
one day they will actually die.
"
"from the day that i went on the game,
risking sanction and family shame,
i chose to be called
""ivana beebawld""?
a germane and suggestive false name.
"
"though your life has been blessed with success,
you'll find death will still know your address.
it's a fact, to this date,
the extent of this fate
is one hundred percent (more or less).
"
"you ask me my aim? to find fame!
on tv! you will all know my name!
though i'm lazy, and fat,
i can't act, and sing flat,
what's the problem?i'll still win this game!
"
"farfalle?no pasta can beat it,
just simmer in water to heat it.
then drain it (of course),
add a bolognese sauce,
and then parmesan, pepper, and eat it.
"
"a wizard, severe to behold,
knew his meeting with death was foretold.
he hid from this fate
locked inside a charmed crate?
but heard, ""dark in here, isn't it, spold?""
"
"a cartridge fuse lets any rube
fix a fault without making a boob.
no need to perspire
using pliers and wire,
you just clip in this fuse-in-a-tube.
"
"i am taking a drug to lose weight,
so i can't absorb fat that i ate.
this means that the grease is
still there in my faeces,
and leaks through my pants (which i hate).
"
"there's a guy, met a girl who was stacked,
claimed he'd left her a virgin, intact.
but then after a while
(and on jeremy kyle)
he found fatherhood matter of fact.
"
"the schoolmistress frowns and says, ""bridget!
sit still on your seat, and don't fidget!""
but perhaps she'd condone
bridget's jerks, were it known,
where the boy right behind has his digit.
"
"if your labour has failed to progress,
and your baby has fetal distress,
don't express an objection?
caesarean section
is what your child needs, so say yes!
"
"don't you write me off yet?i'm a fighter,
and my future has never looked brighter.
though each draft's been returned,
and by publishers spurned,
in the end, they will see, i'm a writer!
"
"path? news, then a stop-motion creature film;
pearl & dean, and next sometimes a teacher film;
horror trailers, girls scream!
(then a break for ice-cream),
dim the light and sit tight for the feature film.
"
"with no clothes on eve lay on her bunk,
and said, ""adam, you're really a hunk.
looks like seeing me nude
has put you in the mood?
either that, or your fig leaf has shrunk.
"
"as a man, if you live till you're eighty,
then you'll find you can't pee so well, matey.
finasteride might
help diminish your plight,
and in time make your prostate less weighty.
"
"it's the same crummy job, year on year,
and i've never been no place but here.
seems i'm deep in this rut,
and i'd do something, but,
i just can't shift my life from first gear.
"
"cabin pressure is needed in flight
to keep passengers happy at height;
but on radio 4,
it's so funny you'll roar!
john finnemore's show's a delight.
"
"it turned out that my girlfriend was fecund;
when her father found out, marriage beckoned.
since then, for my sins,
we've had eight pairs of twins?
that's a dozen more kids than i'd reckoned.
"
"it's the fade-out, the end of the scene,
and the credits appear on the screen;
so we leap to our feet,
for the race to the street?
whereas once we'd have stood for ""the queen"".
"
"fade in: the scene slowly appears,
as the sounds of doom swell in your ears.
the director expects
that his chosen effects
will all subtly add to your fears.
"
"prince albert astonished his kin
by attaching a ring through his skin,
shouting, ""albert the great
can suspend his own weight,
with a factor of safety built in!""
"
"said the vet to the bold cavalier,
""your horse has got strangles, i fear;
that's equine distemper.""
he replied, with bad temper,
""then cure it, or shoot it right here.""
"
"add a letter to finish a word
without changing the sound? that's absurd!
one example is numb,
and another is thumb;
epithesis?why's that occurred?
"
"ah gan doon the toon, ah'm a clubber,
tho' sum people say ah'm a scrubber.
ah blame chips an' pies
for the size of me thighs,
them and broon are what's mackin me blubber.
"
"she was trapped, there could be no escape.
was this monster intent upon rape?
how her heart thumped with fear,
as he breathed in her ear
and said, ""ooh, i could just crush a grape!""
"
"i'm so gorgeous i almost need veiling,
and for me any test is plain-sailing.
at sports i'm adept.
i'd be perfect, except
that my modesty's always a failing.
"
"let's crack a few tinnies and drink 'em,
then pour a few more and we'll sink 'em.
does an aussie swill beer
each day of the year?
well (unless he's a queer), fair dinkum.
"
"our school's in an old, stately shack,
at the end of a long winding track.
if i send my fag out,
for some fags, i've no doubt,
that he'll fag himself out walking back.
"
"all this factional strife is a curse,
each group swearing the other is worse.
let dissenters agree
to just live and let be?
or we'll all travel home in a hearse.
"
"for 'attention of fred', this should go
(that is fredrick a. orwell, you know.
he's the u.n.'s prince charming,
head honcho for farming):
fao, fao, fao.
"
"no matter how high values climb,
you can factorise numbers in time
(though that's quite true in theory,
you'll probably weary,
and finish well after your prime).
"
"there's a misunderstanding, i'm sensing.
yes, it's true, i'm an expert at fencing,
but i use posts and rails,
held together by nails?
not a sword when to fence i'm commencing.
"
"""the cranial nerve numbered seven"",
leered our lecherous lecturer, bevan,
""lets you smile, wink and pout,
but beyond any doubt,
it's the twelfth sends your partner to heaven.""
"
"""my careful research and analysis
has found that a facial paralysis
is often bell's palsy,""
declared dr. halsey.
""use steroids, but never dialysis.""
"
"the tour de france racers all know
there's no prize for the guys who ride slow.
for those who are cheatin',
erythropoietin
will give them more get up and go.
"
"erythromelalgia's a curse.
you've got aids? this is many times worse.
burning pains heat my feet.
they've turned red as a beet.
call my doctor, then call me a hearse!
"
"i dreamt about bake off last night.
paul hollywood scoffed at my plight,
but sweet mary berry
said, ""cheer up, be merry,
your tarts will all turn out just right.""
"
"erythrocytes make your blood red.
make too many, you'll need to be bled.
make too few, you'll look pale,
be anaemic, feel frail;
but make none? you'll soon find yourself dead.
"
"in a fantasy life i could be
just as free as a fish in the sea?
though with my luck, i bet,
i'd get caught in a net,
so perhaps i'll play safe and stay me.
"
"knead your dough (water, yeast and some flour).
let it rise, for at least half an hour.
shape your loaves and then take them
(when they've risen) and bake them.
slice your bread while it's warm, and devour.
"
"your car's foot brake is usually used
to slow down?but it can be abused.
with your left foot press lightly
to turn in more tightly,
while your right's on the gas?be amused!
"
"once you harvest your grain you'll need power
to grind it, and turn it to flour.
if you don't have a motor,
add sails to a rotor,
and mount them atop of your tower.
"
"my dear wife bore a daughter, but lost her.
she tried ivf, though it cost her
both money and sadness.
we've binned all that madness;
instead, we've decided to foster.
"
"take a trip to orlando fl!
it's a place many tourists know well,
but it won't seem so nice
if you're frightened of mice?
in fact you might think you're in hell.
"
"surprised? i just stood there and blabbered.
""well, pickle my walnuts!"" i jabbered.
when head-honcho len
marked my waltz as a ten,
well my gast was incredibly flabbered.
"
"they'd mistreated the mare, i'd been told,
so i offered a price, and they sold.
now i've put her to stud,
and she isn't a dud?
i'll be glad as a dad once she's foaled.
"
"chlorthalidone helps make you wee,
and in doing so drops your b.p.
diuretic, like dyazide,
it works like a thiazide?
on that, all the doctors agree.
"
"shared a room with a hedgehog. we sat, mate,
swapping spine-chilling tales. there we'd chat, mate.
but then down he was mowed
while out crossing the road?
now, in more ways than one, he's my flatmate.
"
"with more bills than i'm able to pay,
i went down to the food bank today.
got some bread and some meat
so my children can eat?
feel so worthless, i hardly can say.
"
"it's as clear as can be he's no flyweight;
he's massively greater than my weight.
as he steps on the scales,
he looks downward and wails,
""oh my god! that's a just-makes-me-cry weight!""
"
"if you're guilty of crime, they're a prying squad,
though in court villains call them the lying squad.
you might be houdini?
you won't shake the sweeney,
the team that is known as the flying squad.
"
"if i suffer from shingles, the rash burns.
if i fall into embers, the ash burns.
but if settling the score
means a nuclear war,
we'll be crispy and black from the flash burns.
"
"as the hub of my showroom, my store court,
is simply too small, i need more court.
for a chance to compete
with the used-car elite,
i need space for more cars on my forecourt.
"
"ever since i reached sixty, my flow rate
is actually now quite a slow rate.
when the trickle has ceased,
i'll soon find i've increased
my ""how often i'm having to go"" rate.
"
"caused your accident? me? no, i'm blame proof.
don't threaten to sue me?i'm claim proof.
want to raise the stakes higher
and call me a liar?
my pants are on fire? i'm flameproof.
"
"if you're down and depressed, you should know, zac,
that the answer's not taking more blow, zac.
see your doctor instead,
and he'll sort out your head
with fluoxetine, a.k.a. prozac.
"
"stinky sid never fully unzips,
pulls his flies halfway down, then he grips
tugging hard at his dong,
which just isn't that long?
so his pee doesn't flow, it just drips.
"
"there's no doubt, it's as clear as can be
that my wife loves her big suv.
rain or snow, she'll arrive,
for its fine four-wheel drive 
means she'll never be late for her tea.
"
"my date is quite tense, so she's chattering.
she laughs at my jokes, which is flattering?
but i think if i said,
""will you come home to bed?""
then my swollen head might get a battering!
"
"booked a ""climbing adventure"" and paid.
on arrival, i stood there dismayed,
for the gear i'd been sold
was decrepit and old?
both the ropes and my temper were frayed.
"
"when a lady's egg meets with a sperm,
they combine, and the outcomes a germ.
some forty weeks later
(if still in its mater)
the fetus is classed as full-term.
"
"the audience cat-called and heckled,
""your face is all pockmarked and speckled!""
i declare, i despair,
yes, i have ginger hair,
and my face isn't spotty, it's freckled.
"
"bring the prisoner! frogmarch him in!
pin his arms, he must pay for his sin!
though he begs and complains
he'll be shot for his pains?
for good measure, we'll shoot all his kin.
"
"over mountainous waves we were hurled,
as we sailed half the way round the world.
now it's anchors aweigh,
and ashore we can stay.
all our sails and our flags have been furled.
"
"i'm a criminal, so it's been claimed,
and for many a crime i've been blamed.
now my mug-shot's been found
in a fancy surround?
but i'm telling you, man, i've been framed!
"
"if you're wimpy and skinny and frail,
with no muscles to speak of, and pale,
then it's clear you should eat
lots of steak and red meat?
and drink pints of our finest strong ale.
"
"here's a hobby you're certain to like,
it's to stand on the top of a dyke
and land hundreds of fish.
oh! what more could one wish?
want a try? then i'll lend you my fyke.
"
"to make my wife smile, i seem powerless?
i wish i could get her to glower less.
her birthday? oh no!
i forgot it, and so
i have left her both chocolate and flowerless.
"
"the rep said, ""i've come here to plug
benzhexol?a wonderful drug
all your patients should take
for their parkinson's shake.""
""that's a laugh,"" i replied, with a shrug.
"
"come and visit our town! here in hibbing,
the cathedral roof's famed for its ribbing!
dylan lived here (that's true!)
and for one out of two?
well, i'm not really lying, just fibbing.
"
"there are tumours that don't call for gloom,
like that fibroid that's grown in your womb.
it won't shorten your life?
there's no call for the knife.
pay no heed to the prophets of doom!
"
"i recall, at our very first meeting,
you offered your hand, as a greeting.
""forget that!?"" i then said.
""let's get straight into bed?
don't waste time, for our lives are but fleeting.""
"
"the knight who was clad all in black
barred our way to the bridge on our track.
""you're disarmed (and dislegged).
now concede, sir"", i begged.
""just a flesh wound"", he snarled, ""oy?come back!""
"
"i fear further fighting's no use,
so i'm waving a white flag of truce.
(i pray nobody's guessed
that it's made from my vest,
or my face will be utterly puce).
"
"""oh, look, there's a lady out sailing.
oh dear, she appears to be bailing.
ah, there's no need to fuss?
see? she's waving at us!""
(but in truth, she was drowning and flailing).
"
"don't tell me that next time you'll test
for the problems our baby possessed,
and to take folic acid?
hell man, i ain't placid!
i'm angry, and lost, and depressed!
"
"i had driven my ford through a ford,
""too damn easy,"" i thought. ""now i'm bored.
next i'll drive through a creek
and in norway, next week,
you can watch as i drive 'cross a fjord.""
"
"if you watch when a mare has her foal
and the newborn first stands, on the whole,
you'll have tears on your face?
and if that's not the case,
then you're probably lacking a soul.
"
"he yelled, ""pass me that block!"", so i did,
then i covered my ears and i hid;
for he'd fire that huge gun
at the ranks of the hun,
once he'd mounted the piece on the fid.
"
"i wanted it roasted, not boiled!
it should have been stuffed, and then oiled!
this chicken should not
have been stewed in a pot?
it should really, like me, have been foiled.
"
"i was lost in the desert. i fretted?
would i see you again? how i sweated.
your sweet face is now pressed
to my strong, manly chest,
and you gasp, ""god, your armpit is foetid!""
"
"you'll have to excuse my friend bob;
i'm afraid he's a bit of a slob.
yes, he does tend to spit?
as he might well admit,
""when i've phlegm in my gob, then i flob.
"
"if your eye is so sore you could cry,
then i'm sure that you'll want to know why.
i'll examine it first,
but to check for the worst,
i will test it with fluorescein dye.
"
"though he barks like a real eager beaver,
he's a great big soft underachiever.
when there's game that i've shot,
does he fetch? he does not!
still, i love my flat-coated retriever.
"
"up to now, we've not formally met,
and we can't use first names, not just yet.
these constraints can be loosed
once we've been introduced?
now get back into bed, miss fayette.
"
"a folk song's a song that rehearses
a tale of romance, or of curses,
with a haunting refrain?
but that doesn't explain
why it has to have so many verses.
"
"there once was a hippie named ian
who wanted to be a fijian.
when asked, ""why migrate
to this commonwealth state?""
he just mumbled ""well, man, to be free, an...""
"
"a disease every farmer must dread,
in two thousand and one, raised its head.
from the north, foot-and-mouth
spread to east, west and south.
beasts were culled or destroyed?or just dead.
"
"if you're carrying mrsa,
chlorhexidine takes it away.
take a soak in a tub
of this pink hibiscrub,
or your surgery we will delay.
"
"doc's appalled: little tom downed the lot
of mom's iron pills ? all in one shot!
now to quiet those yelps...
""deferoxamine helps ?
it detoxes your blood, or you'll rot!""
"
"red shiraz was about to progress
down her ivory evening dress.
i cried, ""hey, watch that wine!""
""lap's protected, i'm fine ?
dinner napkins prevent mess and stress.""
"
"disinfecting your pool? want it clean?
using chlorine will make it pristine.
just beware if your hair
is quite fair; you must wear
a tight bathing cap (lest it turn green).
"
"""you are over the hill,"" i began.
""learn new lingoes?! don't know if you can!
but a kid at age four
finds it easy, learns more.
that's a critical period, gran.""
"
"baked ziti's a dish you'll adore.
over pasta you just need to pour
a tomato-cheese sauce
(not enough makes kids cross);
baked and eaten, it's ""mom, we want more!""
"
"an oedilf writer's life sure is tough.
i can tell you i've waited enough
for those check-overs from
workshop editors ? come,
please examine my fabulous stuff!
"
"control-d is one shortcut to know.
it can make the font dialog show,
deselect your selections,
make bookmark collections,
or simply delete in one go.
"
"to remove lines of text in a flash:
control-x you can press (not the dash).
the words will be cut
to be pasted soon. but
this is not like deleting to trash.
"
"copied text and you want to let go?
control-v is the keystroke to know
(with a mouse: edit > paste) ?
frees your clipboard posthaste;
v's for ""velcro"" (but not to a pro).
"
"help! i have turned my text blue!
gosh, it's ruined! what to do? i've no clue!
wait a sec, here it is
(after all, i'm a whiz):
control-z will undo; i'll say ""phew!""
"
"on my penis, i think i've got more skin,
than i really should have on my foreskin.
i don't mean to complain,
but it's really a pain,
when it drags on the floor and it's raw skin.
"
"a figure of eight is a knot
you'll find tied in the ropes of a yacht.
if the sheets of your sail
come adrift in a gale,
did your crew tie this knot? they forgot.
"
"tying rope to an anchor, my friend?
use the knot called a fisherman's bend.
drop it over the side
and it won't come untied,
but remember?hold on to the end.
"
"this morning i woke at first light,
with the dawn, feeling prospects were bright.
i made plans for my day,
but i'm sorry to say,
that i dozed off again?now it's night.
"
"a fistula, doctors agree,
is a passage where one shouldn't be.
twixt my bladder and rectum
i've one to connect 'em?
so sometimes i fart through my pee.
"
"it's a fact that i've known since the crib,
that the clergy are liable to fib?
saying, ""god loves us all"",
or ""he'll hear when you call"",
or that women are just a spare rib.
"
"the finish line fast was approaching;
i was sure that the tape i'd be broaching,
so i slowed down to coast?
but got pipped at the post!
how i wished i'd remembered my coaching.
"
"after ten pints of beer cross your lips,
what you crave is a large fish and chips.
scoff it down like a pig
till your bum is so big
it could cause its own lunar eclipse.
"
"""i'm a pedigree cow!"" she appealed,
""you all know how much milk i can yield.
all your milk churns are full,
so just cut out the bull
and admit i'm the best in my field.""
"
"first the fell runner runs up the fell,
then he runs down again, to the dell.
up and down he will run,
all day long, just for fun.
call that fun? it's my vision of hell.
"
"our front door, to my shock, was ajar!
were we robbed? have the burglars gone far?
at the cameras i winked,
for i knew they were linked
to my archiving drive (dvr).
"
"they are purple and fly through the air;
they eat people and give them a scare.
these one-eyed, horned creatures
with horrid defeatures
can make plastic surgeons despair.
"
"i have bought every iphone they sell,
plus the ipad and itouch, as well.
each device communicational
is simply sensational.
i just talk ? beeeeeep! ? now there goes my cell!
"
"do you know what the dpi means
when referring to printers or screens?
it's the sum distribution
(or just ""resolution"")
of dots per inch filled by machines.
"
"pretty soon i'll be famous, well-known,
when my bestseller ranking has grown.
i'll have book signings where
i will scribble with flair
my john hancock in books that you own.
"
"my psychology teacher declared,
""apa style's required. be prepared
to apply it when writing
a paper or citing.
points off if i find that you've erred.""
"
"freud and bowlby are two ? you keep score.
then add kohlberg and ainsworth (that's four).
count vygotsky in too;
these are names of a few
developmentalists. oh, and there's more...
"
"have you finished your document, lee?
if it's done, you can press control-p.
it'll print out your page.
enough ink? check the gauge
lest a ""toner low"" message you see.
"
"i bust say, i have dot bid dis ill
id a while. cobbid codes are doh thrill.
frub by bouth, you'll hear sdoring;
by doze? dodstop pouring.
i'b going idsade, deed a pill!
"
"""they've impeached prez obama!"" ""hooray!""
""and replaced him with hannity!"" ""yay!""
""gosh, you're cullible, meg;
i've been pulling your leg.
don't believe every word that i say!""
"
"chirimoya: soft, pulpy ? that's me,
a sweet fruit from a tropical tree.
i'm delicious (thanks, twain!).
custard apples contain
lots of fiber and vitamin c.
"
"here's a math rule of which i am fond:
if two parts (angles, sides) correspond
on two congruent triangles
(or pairs of biangles),
both share a congruent bond.
"
"at the start, all my limericks would stink.
(could've used a good poetry shrink.)
but, by george, it's a breeze
when assisted by wes!
yep, ruchiccio's got it, i think!
"
"i contrive to write poems so swell,
but contrived are they, and you can tell.
i do write like this so
my neat rhyme scheme will go.
well, too bad it's art'ficial, misspell(ed).
"
"my hair was freshly permed, set just right.
but tempestuous gales rocked the night.
every lock that was curled
is now limp and unfurled.
blasted wind! i'm a fright and a sight.
"
"my young daughter enjoys dot to dot.
it's a puzzle that's fun to a tot
who delights in connecting
the dots. she's expecting
a masterpiece ? i'm really not.
"
"at times my computer will freeze,
but i'm chilled and can fix it with ease.
i just tug on the plug,
yank it out, give a shrug,
then replace it. a cold boot's a breeze.
"
"this low credit limit sucks, no offense.
see, my wife spends too much. i get tense
when i think of the fees
(paychecks don't grow on trees).
we're not wealthy ? and she has no cents.
"
"i'm preparing a classified game.
it's top secret ? can't tell you its name.
if you snoop, i will say,
""mr. holmes, go away!
it's taboo!"" (yeah, i know. what a shame.)
"
"to disunify means to divide.
like if hubby and wifey decide
that they'll sever the tether
that binds them together;
united thus winds up untied.
"
"when the waiter arrived with my dish
(which was angel hair topped with grilled fish),
i hissed, ""sir, you're not fair.
i chose pasta, not hair!
was a meal ? la eyelash my wish?""
"
"to emphasize, shout out, or stress
any point that you'd like to address,
or to get folks to see
just how <strong> you can <b>,
control-b (to make bold) you should press.
"
"when <u> underline text, <u> demand:
""look above this straight line, understand?""
so when words need that stress,
i will tell <u> to press
control-u ? it's one useful command.
"
"if <i> want to italicize text,
make it <em>phasized, guide the perplexed,
there's one shortcut i'll take:
control-i ? piece of cake!
that was quick, now i'm on to the next!
"
"it can paralyze, blind ? even kill!
just the thought can elicit a chill.
should a rattlesnake bite,
its crotoxin just might
hasten death. if you spot one, stand still!
"
"grandma betsy's got very poor sight.
""my computer text? too small and tight.""
i said, ""granny, don't fuss!
you just press control-plus.""
as it grew, grandma said, ""swell, all right!""
"
"sheila tried control-plus ? her text grew!
""now it's huge! control-z won't undo!""
i said, ""try control-minus.""
she giggled with shyness.
it shrank! (i'm a shrinker ? woohoo!)
"
"a domain name's an address for sites.
over good ones there often are fights:
irs.com's one,
google/groovle ? what fun!
and the winner takes all website rights.
"
"as i flipped a few steaks on the grill,
one thick sirloin dropped in. (that takes skill!)
so i yelled, ""sister, dear,
free this meat from down there.""
""i am not your commis, bossy bill!""
"
"are you sure there's an egress just there?
look for hardware like handles, you hear?
you'd be cracked if you pass
through that fake ""door"" of glass ?
when you don't see a doorknob, beware!
"
"if with one cuban peso you go
to american stores, you should know:
you can't buy a banana ?
this place ain't havana!
in the us it's nada, this dough.
"
"an uncanny, astounding condition,
blindsight stumps the most learned clinician.
(""sightless sight?! that can't be!"")
patients claim not to see
but can pinpoint an object's position.
"
"stuck the point of a diamond through skin,
and the culet pierced through like a pin.
i was careless and rash:
it made quite a large gash.
a ""blood diamond"" this surely has been!
"
"gave the checkout girl coupons to scan;
to pay less than the cost was my plan.
zero cents the screen read ?
mouth agape, she then said:
""such transactions i'm ordered to ban!""
"
"i am pruning my butterfly tree
when i'm stung by a bloodthirsty bee
that's been lying in wait
for some hominid bait.
leave the butterfly flowers bee-free!
"
"in september, jews' thoughts are quite clean.
days of awe are approaching the scene.
rosh hashana ? new year;
then yom kippur they'll fear.
(just the thought can make faces turn green.)
"
"watch my wife on the bridge's high ledge ?
she's about to go over the edge!
one-two-three ? and she's down
in the water to drown.
(it's her mink that i hope we can dredge.)
"
"point your mobile to online dotcoms
to do business and shop from your palms.
it's become quite routine
to be glued to the screen
during dinner ? without any qualms!
"
"when you're done with the sink, close the spout!
frequent baths, flushing loos ? do without.
do whatever conserves
squandered water reserves.
isn't that what a drought's all about?
"
"hebrew letters our children should read.
aleph always belongs in the lead.
it's the first to be learned,
and a gold star is earned
for the whole aleph bet, yes indeed.
"
"while i type this extensive report,
i'm as bored as when sitting in court.
but i'll finish it soon
(on the due date at noon).
control-s saves my work ? i'll cavort!
"
"in the end, i decided to stick
with the color that first made me sick.
i'll undo an ""undo"",
bring back text colored blue.
control-y will redo ? that's the trick.
"
"i've lost track of the words ""in a bind"".
that's my problem: a scatterbrained mind.
wait, i found a quick fix!
(i'm a techie with tricks!)
i'll just press control-f (edit > find).
"
"to select lots of stuff in one shot,
a cool shortcut will grab the whole lot.
data placed in your hands
will await your commands.
i would say control-a hits the spot.
"
"making copies of stuff on your screen
is quite simple, efficient and clean ?
control-c's what you press.
it's my wish, i'll confess,
this would double my bills colored green!
"
"i can't stomach the thought of raw yolk.
a mere sniff is enough to provoke
major gastric unrest.
no, i cannot disgest
even if i consume it with coke!
"
"i'll deliver de letter you need;
and, ""de sooner de better,"" i'll heed.
'cause i know you get sadder
(de later de madder...).
you'll getter de letter with speed!
"
"thx! lol! omg!
tty! g2g! brb!
looks 2 weird 4 ur i's?
plz don't fret, u'll get y's!
it's a lingo called chatspeak, u c!
"
"after classical conditioning, my bunny
will do something that's yucky but funny:
he upchucks each time
that i show him a dime!
(i'll retrain him to drool at the money.)
"
"""mommy, please won't you buy me a mac?""
""that's a no!"" ""a big mac for a snack?""
to mcdonald's she'll race
'cause of door-in-the-face?
this persuasion technique makes her crack.
"
"if you boldly exclaim to my face:
""in our town, jew-boy, you have no place!""
then your words i'll retell
to the group, adl,
and call you, goy, a racial disgrace.
"
"a depressor a doctor will need
to make sure that one's tongue won't impede
as he sticks in the swab
which makes little kids sob,
or else gag, till their tongues become freed.
"
"i cannot... er, express my, er, um...
oh, forget it! i just, um... sound dumb
when i... try to, um... say
what i want... to relay.
i've... dyslogia... but still, i can hum.
"
"this will sound really weird, but just hush!
were you ever inspired to flush
a toy boomerang down
a (clean) loo? would it drown?
no, it should fly back up in a gush!
"
"there once was a vain little elf
who kept mirrors upon every shelf.
but one day he blushed red
when his duplicate said,
""you're a copy that's made from myself!""
"
"?????control-e lets you center-align
blocks of text in a well-formed design
?????????that's symmetrical. now,
?????????????it reminds me of how
ribs and vertebrae meet at the spine.
"
"i'm a sucker for anything sweet.
why, in fact, that is all i will eat.
so, to perk up my mood
buy me candy, not food ?
dum dum lollipops make a great treat.
"
"after editing code on my site,
i reviewed the results ? got a fright!
in the browser it stank,
but my brain isn't blank:
control-r (that's ""refresh"") sets it right!
"
"dyscalculia gets me all mad:
it's so hard to subtract or to add.
on a test: 4 x 4 ____
i wrote ""truck."" teacher swore.
now i'm tutored in math by my dad.
"
"a duster's a housecoat for women ?
a robe that they won't appear slim in.
this frock is designed
with comfort in mind;
it's a garment that some ladies swim in.
"
"in the tropic and sub-tropic area,
there's a nematode worm called filaria,
spread by insects that bite
in the tropical night?
like malaria is, but more scarier.
"
"a fir tree has needles, not fur.
if you stroke one, you won't hear it purr.
as your choice of a pet
it's the silliest yet?
and i'm sure that your oak would concur.
"
"once a ship has been launched, there's no doubt
it can float and be towed round about;
but it's only a shell
and not ready to sell
till the whole of the hull's fitted out.
"
"so you tell me i have to do time
because filicide, here, is a crime?
where i'm from, a daughter
must act like she oughter?
or else be cut down in her prime.
"
"i am famous for being the man
who snaps shots of his stools in the can,
but i want you to know
i've more strings to my bow,
and i'm not just a flash in the pan.
"
"selling fish it's first in and first out?
there's a limited shelf-life for trout.
yet our marketing claim,
""in and out dates the same!""
is at best, i would think, in some doubt.
"
"from morning till night i've been workin',
you couldn't accuse me of shirkin'.
now i fancy a beer,
and i'll make myself clear?
i'm so parched, i could down the whole firkin.
"
"at my school, there were rules to forbid
almost everything anyone did.
still, i turned out o.k.
and so now every day
i'm inflicting the same on my kid.
"
"a firedog won't bark or do tricks,
it won't cover your face with its licks.
if you throw it a ball
it won't move, not at all?
it just sits in your hearth and holds sticks.
"
"a miner who lived by the tyne
went to look for some coal in a mine,
but his naked-flamed light
made the firedamp ignite?
yet thank god, the canary was fine.
"
"""it's a bad dental abscess,"" doc said.
""to your jaw this infection has spread ?
tooth must go. don't be cross;
you'll have one less to floss.
in a moment you'll start seeing red.""
"
"""this fabric's to die for,"" she said.
""just look at these deep shades of red.
i can tell you that my stuff
is premium dyestuff.
loathe red? tint it purple instead.""
"
"think these sneakers are weird? i don't mind?
see, their soles have been smartly designed.
affordable, bendable,
comfy, dependable:
crepe rubber's crude, but refined.
"
"my short friend now resembles a ball;
she's so chubby. now had she been tall,
she would not look so dumpy.
""look who's gotten all plumpy!""
""i'm vertically challenged, that's all.""
"
"these three words are the best of the lot.
they convey: i am bored with this plot.
please devise your own end
for i cannot attend
to the extras, details, dot dot dot.
"
"deep-sea creatures and humans, beware
of cnidogenous jellyfish. swear
you will stay far away
lest you end up as prey.
don't get caught by their venomous ""hair.""
"
"want a full-body makeover? sure!
so you want to appear less mature?
with some clicks (watch the screen)
i will make you sixteen.
come, i'll give you a photoshop tour.
"
"our town's been bedecked by the snow,
and i love the white wintry tableau.
but enough is enough ?
there's too much of this stuff!
i'll be first, when spring comes, to hello.
"
"when i asked my professor for slack,
i thought he'd attack me with flak.
but the man acquiesced
(i'll admit i'm impressed):
he concedes that in class i may snack!
"
"said the child of marie antoinette,
""for my birthday bash, please don't forget:
i would like a moist, sweet,
chocolate-covered baked treat.""
""oui, we'll let them eat cake ? don't you fret.""
"
"we play dreidel games down on the floor.
she exhales on her top, ups her score.
i think cheating is bad
so i'm furious, mad.
i blow my top ? now i'll win for sure.
"
"this enigma provokes my frustration.
i've asked, but got no explanation
why ziploc bags come
double-locked ? it's so dumb!
bag unzipping's a dull occupation.
"
"my wife is in labor! we are
burning rubber (the hospital's far),
tearing fast down the road
lest her body unload
our new baby while still in the car.
"
"as i run 'round the circle, i'll tap
every head, calling ""duck, duck..."" don't nap,
stay alert, watch your head ?
if you're ""goose"" then you're dead.
you'll be left with a lake in your lap.
"
"consolidation: when two firms unite.
can it boost business functions? it might.
so if fedex should join
ups, they could coin
the name fedups ? i bet they would fight!
"
"when i'm given instructions at work,
and i'd much rather play and/or shirk,
i pretend that i'm slow
and reply with, ""dunno!""
prompting, ""don't be a dummerer, jerk!""
"
"as the end of the wedding day nears,
a badchan (a jester) appears.
he will pocket big money
to say something funny,
but sometimes he'll bore you to tears.
"
"stop, cookie thief! leave! au revoir!
your snacking has gone way too far.
all my friends you've consumed.
down to nothing, i'm doomed.
diminishingly yours, cookie jar.
"
"on my birthday, my mom always brings
a gift fit for twins, queens, and kings:
it's a bed in a bag,
and it brags on the tag:
""sheet, duvet, case ? includes all these things!""
"
"while mothers can act really tough,
here's a mother who's rigid and rough.
she's the rein on your brain,
sends the blood down to drain,
and she hoards juicy, fluidy stuff.
"
"my life is one nightmarish curse:
no friends, no career, empty purse.
i should just drown my sorrows?
forget that tomorrow's
big hangover's gonna feel worse!
"
"""elections,"" he groaned with a sigh
to his brother conjoined at his thigh.
""when we vote with our nation
we'll need demarkation:
i'm right wing, you're left  wing. goodbye.""
"
"my freedom, my essence, he stole.
i'm his puppet, devoid of a soul.
he's a major intrusion,
this ""he"" of delusion
who holds all the strings of control.
"
"nancy drew, it would be a relief
to own tools that can best any thief,
thug, or foe who may bind you.
wear a boxcutter. mind you,
this would spare bess and george extra grief.
"
"when describing a group made of two,
such as infant and mother, then you
might just call it dyadic.
add father ? triadic.
and four? well, quadratic won't do.
"
"the available words to be limmed
keep on growing, but also get trimmed
as we write, write, and write
with no ending in sight.
but our interest thus far hasn't dimmed.
"
"if god would remove all the hues
and discolorize earth, then i'd lose
stunning sunsets and scenery,
garden-grown greenery?
all i'd be left with? the blues.
"
"my bat mitzvah day marks the event
when my childhood days have been spent.
i'll be coming of age
upon reaching this stage
and beginning adulthood's ascent.
"
"each friendship of mine's a dilection,
a connection of love and affection.
i make each selection
with skill and perfection?
not everyone passes inspection.
"
"a delimiter separates text,
keeping each string apart from the next.
use a comma or space,
or a cute smiley face ?
(which may render your program perplexed).
"
"i feel stuck, out of touch, and impeded.
this ailment's the last thing i needed.
i have blackberry thumb:
hands and fingers feel numb.
plus, my limit on texts i've exceeded.
"
"two connection speeds let us contrast,
like the tortoise and hare of the past.
while dial-up is slow
like the turtle we know,
dsl, and the sprinter, are fast!
"
"""fly domestic?all tickets half-price!""
this airline deal sure does entice.
but the blackout dates? plenty.
may 1 through june 20.
at this rate, my car must suffice.
"
"your fashion sense, not to be rude,
is so totally, hopelessly skewed.
you're a mess when you dress!
get some duds to impress!
look, i'll help you turn dud into dude.
"
"oh, cellphone! without you, i'll die.
if your battery goes, i will cry.
(and my friends will cry, too.)
you're my life's cpu!
dependently desperate am i.
"
"a chuppah's a serious time:
it's when feelings and thoughts are sublime.
watch the bride and the groom
become one, ""jump the broom"".
at this point, shalom bayit is prime...
"
"i am feverish, shaking from chills.
plus, my throat is on fire and it kills.
a cold slush would feel great...
but the shivering? wait,
is it worth adding this to my ills?
"
"we called her a bag lady. why?
her skin was a baggy supply.
she had dermatomegaly
from face to each leggaly.
non-recyclable, too. i could cry.
"
"with my fault-finding mom i don't shop.
she rejects my selections nonstop.
mom says time and again:
""this does not rate a ten?
nine point nine with a bar on the top.""
"
"watch him scratch a line day-after-day,
on the wall, with a rock. hear him say,
""(insert day number here)
days and counting. i fear
that it's gonna be one long-term stay.""
"
"treating children with autism through
aba's what we therapists do.
reinforcement and chaining,
your work can be draining,
but the child will behave as per you!
"
"personality's often defined
using all big five factors combined.
(i would list the traits now
were they shortened somehow.)
these make all of us one of a kind.
"
"i just love to sound clever and smart.
faking knowledge is one useful art.
so i never ask, ""huh?""
i just yawn and say, ""duh!""
like i knew all the stuff from the start.
"
"the psychos, the crazies, the goons,
the maniacs, schizos and loons
seem abnormal, but still,
they're real people, just ill.
dsm says so ? they call the tunes.
"
"if i tip baby's bod after eating,
there's an oatmeal and formula greeting.
with a dumper (a truck
that can tilt and then chuck)
my child honestly thinks she's competing!
"
"""you've dysphagia: your intake's impaired,""
said the doc. now he's gotten mom scared.
""how i fear this condition
that hampers nutrition.
i can't swallow that!"" she declared.
"
"he draws while the sun's beating strong.
then the crayonist senses what's wrong:
""my crayons!"" he sobs.
""they're just colorful blobs!""
guess he sat on the sidewalk too long.
"
"academic assessments are key.
they allow schools and teachers to see
class achievement. a student
will learn, if he's prudent,
they're easy as ????.
"
"when the colors of toner run low,
but the cyan and yellow still show,
we make duotone prints,
which use only two tints.
this process is ""green"", you should know.
"
"my sister yaps non-stop all day.
one more word from her mouth and she'll pay!
my solution for vicky
is tricky and sticky ?
some duct tape should keep her at bay.
"
"as my math teacher's graphing dilations,
the polygon's changing locations;
at first it looked small,
but it's now big and tall.
soon we'll move on to more transformations.
"
"an artifact poses a threat
to internal validity. let
the researcher beware
and take care not to err.
a control group's a much better bet.
"
"""those blackberry phones are for teens,""
whines my gran, but i know what she means.
hi-tech makes her heart slam,
turns her knees into jam...
so an elderberry's tucked in her jeans.
"
"we've got various groups in our town
who have skin colored white, black or brown.
each has cultural styles,
traditions and trials,
and each puts the other ones down.
"
"my camera's my very best friend,
but at times i am forced to contend
with her artifacts. these
form a photo disease
with some jags, noise, moir?, or a blend.
"
"when they've mastered the scissors and glue,
and with abc projects they're through,
where do preschoolers go
to gain knowledge and grow?
elementary, dear watson! you knew!
"
"i stand in the lunch line and wait.
soon, a puke-worthy blob's on my plate.
it looks dark brownish-grayish,
feels soft, wet and clayish.
conclusion: beyond ""serve by"" date.
"
"a companion cell's not what you stow
in your pocket for calls on the go;
but from what i can tell,
it's a specialized cell
that helps plants with their nutrient flow.
"
"these twins of mine love to ignore
me when ""into bed, now!"" i implore.
laughing ""later!"" delayingly,
they resume, disobeyingly,
lipsticking art on the floor.
"
"a poet sits late at night burning
the midnight oil, versing and churning
out rhyme after rhyme,
unaware of the time.
seems this girl shows no sign of adjourning.
"
"book of esther's the biblical work
that depicts evil haman, the jerk,
ahasuerus and esther
(and how mordecai blessed her).
when it's read, all the kids go berserk!
"
"you're severely obese and you're rich?
i suggest a duodenal switch:
chunks of stomach they'll cut;
they'll reroute lengths of gut.
you'll feel great or you won't (don't know which).
"
"i can dwi, have no fear.
usin' booze won't affect how i steer.
but there's fright on the nights
i see bright disco lights:
here comes leo's approach from the rear.
"
"""don't gorge on those mars bars like that!
why, dear matt, you're as fat as a vat.
you'll become diabetic.""
""mom, this is dietetic?
see, there's twelve grams of dietary fat!""
"
"a drosophila's feeling confined.
""i've got hundreds of siblings combined.
what with five hundred aunts
and uncles,"" he rants,
""a fruit fly goes out of his mind!""
"
"tried to cram all the work, but it wouldn't.
asked my sister for help (learned i shouldn't).
then my pencils all broke,
and my dog had a stroke.
cut a long story short? i just couldn't.
"
"wipe that innocent look off your face.
your pathetic attempt's a disgrace.
your excuse-filled preamble
was not a wise gamble.
and next time, just cut to the chase!
"
"to love you's my greatest endeavor
since you are my best friend forever.
but should you betray
me, you'll certainly pay?
i'll rename you my ""best friend for never.""
"
"when you duckwalk, you mimic ducks' ways;
on the catwalk a model sashays;
to jaywalk on roads
is against highway codes;
and in sheepwalks there's pasture to graze.
"
"here's a sign our economy's nuts,
and that someone from congress has guts:
now the light at the end
of the tunnel, my friend,
will be shut due to new budget cuts.
"
"now fifteen, she still acts like a tot.
she enjoys: making shapes out of snot,
playing house, dr. seuss,
blowing bubbles in juice.
developmentally sound? i'd say not.
"
"a clubhand's distorted and short,
and deprives you of handy support.
it's a pain to shake hands
or to flaunt silly bandz.
worst of all? you can't pick at a wart.
"
"it's the one jewish month of the year
that's completely devoid of all cheer.
""bitter cheshvan"" we call
this sad month in late fall
when the colors on trees disappear.
"
"an airborne projectile of white
parabolically soared, but mid-flight
the birdie got stuck
in a tree. just my luck.
so i kicked up a racket in spite.
"
"this piece of advice should suffice:
when installing new printers or mice,
spend some time on the net
to get drivers that let
your computer control your device.
"
"barnum statements will always ring true,
though they seem custom-tailored for you.
""you're afraid of rejection,""
""you favor affection,""
""your life needs correction (mine too!).""
"
"today i'm not dressed to a t,
but i'm dressed in a tee, look at me!
it's a fine day, it's my day,
it's casual friday:
from businessy dress codes i'm free!
"
"to disintricate thin earphone wires
and undo all the tangles requires
much patience (think days),
though its package displays:
""very easy to use""?twisted liars!
"
"attachable: some things are not.
so, you can't connect meatballs with snot,
affix paper with rice dream,
sew buttons on ice cream ?
if you're bored, though, go give it a shot.
"
"the bills all attack at one time,
and i haven't got one single dime!
but my shrink disagrees,
""you are not poor."" (puh-lease!)
glad there's welfare, and no need for crime.
"
"my buddies and i love to roast.
no one's spared as we text and we post,
mocking teacher and foe.
we assume they don't know.
if they do, then we're cooked. yeah, we're toast.
"
"this men's room will make you turn green.
what a filthy, disgusting latrine!
it stinks ? don't inhale!
score on cleanliness? fail.
mr. janitor, meet mr. clean!
"
"if i bevel this image, you'll see
that the edges appear in 3-d.
to be graphically sleek,
i can use this technique
when designing on mac or pc.
"
"i'm bz. i spend all my time
fitting wds into rhyme.
but it's ez for me
to type ""fa, ae!""
duoliteral shortcuts are prime.
"
"""draw a triangle. then we'll inspect
how the medians all intersect
at a point in the center,""
said my math-minded mentor,
""called a centroid, the last time i checked.""
"
"the cockroach is scared of the rat
who, in turn, is afraid of the cat,
who dreads dogs, who fear men,
who avoid wives... (it then
comes full circle)... who screech, ""roaches! scat!""
"
"""cyclohexanone,"" so says the pro,
""has 6 cs, plus 10 hs, plus o.
it's released while you're smoking;
you'll die via choking.
i'm joking! or am i? dunno.""
"
"chinese apples, or pomegranates, are
luscious fruits, most delicious by far!
they've got red, juicy seeds
much like round garnet beads.
and their juice has a use in the bar.
"
"frantic passover baking's no joke.
i must separate egg whites from yolk
for the baby finger ""dough""
(which appears more like snow)
to make chometz-free cookies to soak.
"
"want a coffee without the caffeine?
do you care if its source smells obscene?
if you answered ""yes. no,""
use this weed that i grow ?
coffee senna: it's smelly and green.
"
"the amount that a moron gets? null.
why, he can't even ponder or mull.
when you talk to a blockhead,
you just want to knock head
and bore your words straight through his skull.
"
"this garden's edenic?pure bliss!
i smell flowers i just want to kiss...
and the fruit trees abound.
there is joy all around?
but it stops when i hear that low hiss.
"
"boy, this speaker is totally boring!
""firstly... secondly... thirdly..."" (ignoring),
""fourthly... fifthly..."" (i'm flagging),
""sixthly..."" (eyelids are sagging).
by ""seventhly... eighthly..."" i'm snoring.
"
"?? your
if you're writing technique is inversion,
? ? ? ?? to
and too  grammar you've got an aversion,
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?(move ')
your piece wont' look right.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ???(del. hyphen)
you'll be asked to re-write
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?and
a corrected &amp; edited version.
"
"little monster cried out loud and clear:
""yuck, my teacher's disgusting and queer!""
mama monster then said,
""eat your salad instead.
it might taste even better, my dear.""
"
"the term cooking apple's obvious, too:
an apple you'd use in fondue
or a compote or jam
or a glaze for grilled lamb.
hope your earlier ""huh?"" you withdrew.
"
"if you're camping or boating, your loo
needs a dump station. this allows you
to chuck muck from the pot?
it's the #1 spot
for unloading your stored #2.
"
"periodically, scientists see
a new element (e.g. np)
that they cannot break down.
since i boast great renown,
maybe one will be named after me!
"
"clostridium tetani can kill,
so if pierced by a nail, tool or grill
that is rusty, unclean,
get a tetanus vaccine?
or your doc will have no one to bill.
"
"we're assessing the limericks you write,
and find meter and rhyme are just right.
but the homophones? cheesy!
they make us uneasy.
they're deal breakers. sorry, rewrite.
"
"van doesburg-like artwork looks smart:
draw black rectangles. then you can start
adding red, yellow, blue,
black and white for some hue.
de stijl may be plain, but it's art.
"
"my grandma's not doing too well:
it's her last week of life, i can tell.
but that's really okay?
when there's something to say
i'll just send her a card, c/o hell.
"
"i'm at grandma's and needing a quencher;
to the mugs in her cupboard i venture.
there, bubbles ooze forth
in a cup, traveling north,
effervescingly cleaning her denture.
"
"i love splurging?but not at full price!
so, a store that gives cashback is nice.
using money i'll earn
from the sprees, i'll return
to that store and buy more in a trice.
"
"what's the best thing to serve atop fish?
i say nothing beets chrain when it's frisch.
if you blend it with mayonnaise,
you'll end up with chrayonnaise.
both are present on my shabbos tisch.
"
"you've concocted a drug that's brand new.
test its efficacy: check?does it do
what you want? does it cure?
dope a rat if unsure.
after all, crippled rodents can't sue.
"
"""did u hear what thz grlz said 2day?""
""omg! tell me, wut did they say?""
""blah blah"" beep! ""blah"" beep! ""blah""
watch these teens ? ""blah"" beep! ""ha!!!"" ?
dialogically texting away.
"
"though a bulkie roll's known to be bland,
kosher delis keep many on hand.
they insert some pastrami
and zesty salami,
and that makes your sandwich taste grand!
"
"no professors, no backpacks, no noting,
no theses, no school board promoting
devotion to knowledge
at electoral college,
where everyone majors in voting.
"
"my dessert calls for twenty eggs beaten,
brown sugar and duck sauce to sweeten,
some basil and cocoa?
you think it tastes loco?
no judging until you have eaten.
"
"though electric and meriting hype,
my old typewriter's now overripe.
sure, it printed text neatly
and fixed typos completely,
but computers are much more my type.
"
"""discriminately"" doesn't explain
the way we burn bones. we maintain
and, in fact, guarantee
that, yes, all men are cre-
mated equal (so ghosts can't complain).
"
"i egosurf all night and day
just to see what dear google will say
about me and my fame.
i click... there's my name?
on the top 10 most wanted display.
"
"i can see my electric device
could well shock me for lack of a splice
(it's beginning to fray).
""what absorbs shocks?"" you say?
electricians who aren't so precise.
"
"at echoic resorts, relaxation
is coupled with cave exploration.
""for the best of the best,""
travel agents attest,
""it's vacation, vacation, vacation.""
"
"my hearing is fine, i declare.
but still, i don't hear when you swear.
use profanities, curse words,
obscenities, worse words?
i've earplugs, so cuss. i don't care.
"
"an egg challah's easy to bake:
form a dough. let it rise. then you take
off a chunk (which gets blessed).
braid some loaves from the rest.
(add some cocoa, it turns into cake!)
"
"there's a cherry plum tree near the street,
which the curious children find neat.
""it bears cherries or plums?""
""plums. when summertime comes,
you'll find sweet reddish treats you can eat.""
"
"every hour of the night she is pleading
for me to deliver a feeding.
but by day she'll disperse
her cravings to nurse.
a vacation i'm utterly needing!
"
"i'm efficient?i'm sure you'll agree:
i can juggle and dance on a ski,
blow my nose, pen a rhyme...
at the very same time!
i'm so talented. jealous of me?
"
"the deployant clasp found on my swatch
will expand once i lift it a notch.
it's attached to the strap
and it shuts with a snap.
does this buckle appear on your watch?
"
"economical? nobody's greater
than gran, who can scrimp, save and cater:
when grandfather spewed
a whole plateful of food,
gran just scooped it all up to serve later.
"
"e-addresses can be so much fun!
look at this: ihavewrittenaton
ofcoollimericksandnow
icantstoptellmehow
@oedilf.com. (i claim this one.)
"
"a dry-erase board is portraying:
at 11 am, meet for praying.
first a wipe from my sleeve,
then this note i will leave:
at 11 am, meet for playing.
"
"ruchiccio's sent you an e-card!
to view, press the link that reads ""see card"".
canned music you'll hear
as the graphics appear?
not the greatest, but hey, it's a free card.
"
"""hey, i've lost some electrons!"" wailed adam.
""you're sure,"" asked his friend, ""that you had 'em?""
""of course i am sure?
why, i'm positive! you're
gonna help me to add 'em, dear madam!""
"
"""i'll be really delighted to see,
when you're charged, that you settle the fee,""
said the lighting technician,
a shrewd electrician.
""if not, then it's you who will be.""
"
"an ectopic beat means that your heart
sends out jolts from an incorrect part,
causing bum-(pause)-buhrum,
'stead of bum-bum-bum-bum,
to appear on your ecg chart.
"
"i grab bothersome things by the throat,
slash and slice, then triumphantly gloat.
you think i'm a predator?
no, i'm an editor,
pouncing on limericks you wrote.
"
"i had told my hotel clerk, ""devise
a help-wanted display board. its size
should be large, its font bold.""
said his poster in gold:
seeking young inn-experienced guys.
"
"when preserving, a canner's a must.
fill with water halfway. then adjust
the steel rack, raise the heat,
place your jars so they're neat,
and then process! (use methods you trust.)
"
"you can tell when i've gone on a diet:
if there's something in sight, i will try it.
edibility? bosh!
even non-foods i'll nosh...
like that styrofoam peanut (i'll fry it).
"
"geese are nibbling my lawn, so i shout,
""this is my house! no waddling about,
grazing grass, pooping poop.""
said the head of their group,
""please forgive us?we want to eat out.""
"
"have you heard of the film constipation?
it's gonna be rocking the nation!
if you haven't, don't pout,
'cause it's not yet come out.
(they forecast a moving sensation.)
"
"a meteor needs many hours
to emaculate: see how she scours
the grime from her body
till she shines like a hottie.
this occurs during meteor showers.
"
"""may i clonally copy you, delph?""
asks the magical scientist elf.
i reply with a no
since it's ethically low?
i don't think i could live with myself.
"
"my humorous grandmother quipped:
""you're at work every day till you're whipped,
so i've sewn you a sign,
an embroidered design,
that reads office sweet office in script.""
"
"i'm proposing tonight, so she's getting
a ring. since my budget's not letting
me spend like a king
i'll go green with this ring...
with an emerald stone in its setting.
"
"empurple, a strange word i've seen,
means ""to purple-ize"". isn't it mean
for this word to exist
when the word-makers missed
emmaroon and emblue and emgreen?
"
"my uncle got sick 'cause he smoked.
emphysemic, he gasped, wheezed and choked.
still, when crossing death's door,
he looked sixty, no more.
(he was forty years old when he croaked.)
"
"on a train, on a plane, in your seat,
reading e-books is practical, neat.
electronic books read
on a kindle instead
of bound paper keep forests replete.
"
"the expression ""it's easy as pie""
is a lie 'cause whenever i try,
all my pies come out stinking.
(if pi's what you're thinking:
in math class i barely got by.)
"
"how to smoke, how to nab peeping tom,
how to fashion a diy bomb,
how to de-gunk your toilets
and freeze jugs of oil... it's
made easy at ehow.com.
"
"obama said something quite stunning:
""i don't sweat when i'm outside and sunning.
antiperspirant? me?
i'm as dry as can be?
even after that strenuous running.""
"
"if your research design's differential,
you've certainly got the potential
to draw correlations,
just not the causations.
review line 4 twice ? it's essential.
"
"""let another guy come to his aid.""
""his behavior is just a charade.""
""he does not need assistance.""
""i'll stand at a distance.""
these bystanders goggle, unswayed.
"
"my beardedness, to my dismay,
has embarrassed me since i turned grey.
so, to fix those few patches,
i'll buy dye that matches
my naturally titian toupee.
"
"our castoridae clan's like no other:
me, my father, my mother and brother
are beavers so eager,
with salaries meager?
it's one dam job after another.
"
"bon voyage on your ego trip, friend!
i assume you won't yield at the bend,
or respect right of way.
toot your own horn all day,
but no finish line waits at the end.
"
"a bubble skirt's short, flared and cute,
and rarely is part of a suit.
if you wear one at fifty,
you're nerdy, not nifty?
you'll make all the teenagers hoot.
"
"after pouring, and wiping the drips
of my blueberry slush, i took sips,
then i guzzled and slurped.
by the time i last burped,
they appeared brightly blued, both my lips.
"
"every friday night meal starts with dips
(spinach, olive, tomato) and chips.
we keep licking the spread
till we're way overfed.
""guess i won't serve the meal,"" mother quips.
"
"a black and white cookie's a treat,
but the frosting part's no simple feat.
half is black, half is white;
if your icing's done right
yours will end up like this when complete: ?
"
"this restaurant sure can prepare a
repulsively rank primavera.
the veggies are gray,
and the rest shows decay
i'd say dates from the pastacene era.
"
"when his squadron was having a drill,
soldier william would always feel ill
if commanders cried out,
""practice shooting about,
however you like. fire at will!""
"
"two eyeballs converse, chum to chum.
in a whispery tone, one says, ""umm...
how to say this? let's see...
just between you and me,
there's something that smells. now keep mum.""
"
"gpss are great for dictation
of directions to any location,
like this morgue up ahead.
nearly died when it said:
""you've arrived at your last destination.""
"
"conducting an e-business means
that the internet helps me earn greens.
i sell items online
with that laptop of mine,
in my house, on the couch, wearing jeans!
"
"continual sleep is reviving.
in fact, it may keep your health thriving.
routinely engaging
in naps prevents aging?
especially if done while you're driving.
"
"is true blessedness something you seek?
want his favor divine and unique?
then your first port of call
should be shul. after all,
seven days without god makes one weak.
"
"we don't pee in are lemonaid! buy it!
now surely i don't want to try it.
with branding this crass
they can keep their old glass!
that's demarketing ? how kids apply it.
"
"my fountain is swimming in dough
because that's where the pennies all go.
so i think it makes cents
(and i'll pay the expense)
to have dollarfish swim to and fro.
"
"electioneering: campaigners promote
politicians to get you to vote.
posters promise the moon
and then pop your balloon
with: ""your mileage may vary"" (true quote).
"
"please sneeze into your elbow, they said,
so wherever you touch, germs won't spread.
i agreed, and behold!
now my joint caught the cold.
see that point? it's all swollen and red.
"
"castafiore gives meaning to singing:
she's known to be earsplitting, stinging.
the dead she can roust
with her opera faust,
which leaves tintin's and haddock's ears ringing.
"
"the clothing you'll find there? non-chic.
and their no-name perfumes? how they reek!
at de best discounts depot,
the stuff is el cheapo:
your purchases won't last the week.
"
"humpty dumpty had fallen again.
said his mother, a ham-fisted hen,
""you've eggsploded! (damn wall!)
now i'm forced to go call
the king's horses and all the king's men.""
"
"mike's a genius, as smart as they come. he's
got me, birdbrained bill, as a chum. he's
just called me a shnook,
so i bought him a book
called discovering dumbness for dummies.
"
"simple,commas,and,line,breaks,are,able
to,organize,text,for,a,table
just,separate,all
of,your,values,we,call
csv,well-supported,and,stable
"
"take a hairband, comb, zipper?okay?
add a cog and a saw. see how they
are dentiparous: all
have got teeth, big or small.
only humans, though, brush theirs each day.
"
"i plugged in the mic and heard squeeeeeak!
the sound's brazenness caused me to shriek.
such harshness! it felt
like my earwax would melt.
(it's a useful removal technique.)
"
"egotropic refers to the guy
whose existence is me, mine and my.
and he can't entertain
a man just as vain
for the two cannot see i to i.
"
"when pronouncing elohim, g-d's name,
i may vary?depends on my aim.
in a prayer or hymn,
i say -him. but it's -kim
all times else, though its meaning's the same.
"
"steve jobs has released a dimit
which respectfully says that he'll quit.
this means apple's hard core
won't produce anymore,
and that mac nerds are throwing a fit.
"
"while driving, i notice a bike
with a decal to make pressure spike.
the colorful sticker
reads ""i can drive quicker?
honk if road rage is something you like!""
"
"my captaincy's so guaranteed:
whenever the coaches proceed
to choose leaders for teams,
they're aware of who creams
the opponents with power and speed.
"
"i think limericks are just 5 lines of bull,
and it's rules seem way too cruel.
though oedilf's limericks are a+
we won't discuss
how i'm
egregiously flouting the rules.
"
"to a shrill shofar's blast i awake
every morning in elul. i quake
at the sound?feel inspired,
no longer too tired
to do special deeds for my sake.
"
"to prevent kids from throwing a fit,
pick a leader the right way, legit:
point at those who will play:
""eeny, meeny,"" please say,
and then, ""miny"" and ""moe."" tag, you're it!
"
"clipping coupons, i feel in a bind.
how to keep them together, aligned?
a stapler won't do
since it punctures right through,
but a binder clip's perfect, i find.
"
"my elevator man likes to preach:
he uplifts me each day with a speech.
we both share the desire
for climbing up higher
to places we'd each like to reach.
"
"while processing beef in a blender,
i watch it all swirl in its splendor.
then my finger creeps near
to the blades, and i fear
that it's not just my meat that is tender.
"
"from the shelf in the cupboard i'll free ya.
i'll light ya where all of us see ya.
with candles in line
you're aflame, you're divine.
now it's your turn to shine, chanukiah!
"
"during loud metal concerts he'll cheer,
with his ion the girl he sits near.
al forms bonds that are tight;
he's so charged up at night!
i'd say al's in his element here.
"
"got a birthday card! what does it say?
to my big girl who's 7 today:
hope you feel like a queen!
wait?i've turned seventeen!
(in belatedness, mom scores an a.)
"
"said a bio professor i met:
""agrocybe are not a safe bet.
some taste great on the grill,
but yet others will kill.
now, which mushrooms are safe? i forget!""
"
"space in! hey, wake up! see the light!
on cloud nine you cannot spend the night.
book a flight, take a plane
to re-enter your brain,
and please text when you're earthbound, alright?
"
"an eating apple's just what you'd think:
an apple you eat (no, not drink).
if you just uttered, ""huh?
that's, like, totally duh!""
read the limerick that follows this link.
"
"a coagent for man god did craft:
a woman! you shouldn't have laughed
just because she came second.
see, god must've reckoned
a masterpiece first needs a draft.
"
"""compute 2n + 2n."" let's see...
but math tests and i don't agree!
this algebraic expression
brings on my depression
'cause all of it's 4n to me.
"
"an asscher cut diamond was not
a stone people purchased a lot.
but stars of today
wear rings that display
the square emerald cut, so it's hot.
"
"you're at work but belong in your bed,
so you settle for java instead.
in the coffee room, you
set ten k-cups to brew.
it's all right, you can sleep when you're dead.
"
"let's color-coordinate shrek:
string some emerald jewels 'round his neck;
he should hold a green clutch.
for the finishing touch,
make him nauseous until he goes ""eck!""
"
"anorexia hits certain teens
who chase zero-nutrition cuisines.
starvation's the game:
can i alter my frame
to fit negative-zero-sized jeans?
"
"when saving a logo, i'll choose
to append .ai ? i won't lose
any quality when
i enlarge it times ten.
now all i require is my muse.
"
"an eavesdropper, crouched by the door,
told his pal, as they listened (once more):
""he just yelled in her face:
'you must whisper, in case
they are listening, as they've before.'""
"
"i'm ecstatic, i'm over the moon!
just thinking of him makes me swoon!
after all we've gone through,
can't believe that it's true:
we're engaged to be married real soon!
"
"how do you import music to itunes?
aac is the format for my tunes.
each song is compressed,
so i don't get distressed
about file size whenever i buy tunes.
"
"since our wrists don't look pretty when bare,
i strung two beaded bracelets to share.
mine spells ???????? in red beads;
??????????? in purple yours reads.
these are symbols of love we can wear.
"
"it's got nothing to do with our speech?
it's a label, mycologists teach,
for the fungus that's found
on organic, damp ground.
one must check before tasting, they preach.
"
"i'm a ravishing, glamorous belle
whose got brilliance and talent, as well.
i couldn't be finer?
my source is designer:
these genes come from coco chanel.
"
"their eyesight is far from precise,
but those three blindly run. and the price?
they get sliced at the tail,
which leads them to wail,
""oh, rats! now we're wireless mice!""
"
"""here's a photograph showing aunt moo,""
says a cow to her baby. ""who knew
she would end up this way...""
(here she points to a gray,
textured crushed leather moccasin shoe.)
"
"our town's population has grown,
and its lack of respect is well-known.
cultural pluralism? no.
racial tolerance? low?
and so each of us fends for our own.
"
"the fumes of your cheapo cigar
stink of burning tobacco and tar.
its deathliness means
you could die in your teens.
tell your mother to learn cpr.
"
"it's 11:11:11
on 11/11/11.
a timestamp like this
isn't something you miss
even though you're a hundred eleven.
"
"i like frosting the brownies i bake
so the children won't filch ""by mistake"".
i decoratively pipe
in a curlicued type:
hands off of your grandmother's cake!
"
"""our lives become blah-er each year
with a dulness that drains out the cheer.
every day without fail
is predictable, stale.""
""oh, i knew you would say that, my dear.""
"
"between neurons you'll find there's a space
called a synapse where signals take place.
some are chemical, using
a lower speed, losing
to electrical ones in the race.
"
"an ""i love you"" would never sound trite
in my family; it always feels right.
friends forever are we,
my siblings and me.
this belongingness?what a delight!
"
"sometimes anger and rage levels spike,
and you just wanna yell, ""take a hike!""
when you feel boiling mad
cuz your day's going bad,
count to ten... and then make your first strike.
"
"since reading a raw lamentation
will guarantee max ejulation,
keep tissues nearby,
as you groan, wail and cry,
to effectively blot lacrimation.
"
"a few key-strokes, it takes just a sec
to deliver a sweet, love-filled peck.
since i've so many friends,
this emoticon trend's
got me bending my actual neck!
"
"we nosedived, our plane twisty-twirly.
said the pilot, above all the hurly:
""this emergency landing
might flop; notwithstanding,
we still should be touching down early!""
"
"during summertime's blue skies and sun,
there's a hebrew month lacking in fun.
it's not one that i love
'cause the first part of av
means that meat, mirth and music we shun.
"
"chol hamoed's when festivities blend
with regular weekdays. we spend
this time visiting, praying,
delighting and playing.
then, yom tov resumes when they end.
"
"it's election day! vote nominees in!
but remember, those chosen last season
are like diapers: they ought
to be changed quite a lot?
and both for the same exact reason.
"
"when referring to people with nicknames,
be careful?ensure you don't pick names
that sting, because labeling
ends up disabling.
ekenames are so-quick-to-stick names.
"
"you're in love with my new chandelier?
that's okay. eat your heart out, my dear.
gosh, your face has turned green.
can't you keep the floor clean?
(tosses bag) let your drool drip in here.
"
"an architect plans the design
for a house, or a school, or a shrine.
but an architect bee
knows just one layout, see:
the beehive's where he draws the line.
"
"since my pep level's always at peak,
you may wonder about my technique:
i replace forty winks
with these energy drinks.
why, i haven't slept once since last week!
"
"a rasterized image file free
of compression would be bmp.
whether colored or not,
it uses a lot
of bitmap-type pixels, you see.
"
"california. mid-may. humid day.
it's so foggy, you're driving astray.
coat  your car right away
with some antifog spray.
in a jiff you'll find ucla.
"
"i endamaged my car to the max.
now it's dented and riddled with cracks.
but my beat-up accord
you can surely afford:
she'll be twenty-nine bucks after tax.
"
"i've forgone every breakfast, lunch, dinner.
now five-nine, eighty pounds, i'm a winner!
emaciation's the price
i have paid to look nice.
(could i simply have swallowed paint thinner?)
"
"when i text her a joke that i know,
she bottomlessly lets herself go.
the response from my child
lets me see she's gone wild:
rotf &amp; lmao!!!
"
"when an emerald has flaws showing through,
a skilled gemcutter knows what to do:
watch him cut and refine
leaving eight sides that shine.
p.s. diamonds are cut this way too.
"
"yes, today is my fortune-filled day! you
so kindly, benevolently, say you
will lend me a hand,
plus a few thousand grand.
tell me, how can i ever repay you?
"
"i'm at prada ? these handbags are nice!
i buy twenty without thinking twice.
though i'm far from bill gates,
i can manage these rates.
i've got pull: all i pay is cost price.
"
"a birthday's not really so bad:
statistics show people who've had
more birthdays live longer.
come on! feeling stronger?
that's good! now be happy, not sad.
"
"a traffic-clogged highway's what bars
forward movement of pickups like ours.
how we wish it were eely
so we could glide freely
through thin, narrow gaps between cars.
"
"he's behaviorally challenged, my son,
and he won't rue the actions he's done.
when he slapped me one night,
he explained, with delight,
""i've just high-fived your face, mom! such fun!""
"
"when george washington purchases booze,
a quarter he'll use to amuse.
stamped in smooth copper-nickel,
this metal-made pic'll
be the ""photo id"" that he'll choose.
"
"mr. fogg takes a circular way
'round the world, but he has a delay.
still, the bet he's not losing?
the dates are confusing.
it still is the eightieth day!
"
"lemme warn you, you ""bank owner"" spammer:
gran's annoyed that you constantly scam 'er.
i'm a fierce bandwidth hugger
who'll bite if you bug 'er.
(p.s. it would help to learn grammar.)
"
"e-commerce is how i define
transactions of mine that combine
trading, selling or buying
with the net. no denying
i'm livin' la vida online!
"
"i created a boxplot that showed
just the median (no mean or mode)
of the data i entered,
with quartiles off-centered,
and whiskers for me to decode.
"
"you won't find a meal any finer:
our deep-dish decay is designer.
so make sure you possess
in your fly gps
drosophilidae family diner.
"
"when people are educable, you
know they're able to learn something new.
but some folks are a pain
even when you explain:
an old dog and my grandma are two.
"
"""did the food make good eating?"" ""it tasted,""
she said, with a smile that looked pasted,
""delicious! premier?
if eaten last year.
precious space in my stomach was wasted.""
"
"greetings, earthling, and how do you do?
we'd like to arrange someplace new
for our alien clan.
so this is the plan:
your planet's got no room for... you.
"
"daily learners are saying hooray
for they've finished daf yomi today.
over talmud they've chewed.
page by page, they've reviewed.
celebration is now underway!
"
"fmdoug: gotta leave on assignment.
filipinews: is this ur resignment?
fmdoug: no. hold still,
guys! i vow that i will
brb to undo ur confinement.
"
"on a watch, there's a way you can tell
when the battery nears eol:
if the second hand moves
somewhat slower, it proves
pretty soon you will bid it farewell.
"
"when gray storm clouds dissolve the sky's blue,
utter bleakness and weakness ensue.
each day becomes duller?
sapped of life and of color.
does the winter devitalise you?
"
"when my day's feeling rough and you're tough,
you rebuff and go off in a huff,
then there's really no doubt
that yours truly will shout:
""enough is enough is enough!""
"
"in my hair there's a louse (and his crew)
who is begging to eat his way through.
you're a pest, ectozoon!
i'm nice, so just go on?
fill up, find your family, then shoo!
"
"a seismologist once fooled around
and uncovered some data profound
about earthquaves. when tested,
the findings suggested
her theory's on real shaky ground.
"
"i'm a bruter, and what do i do?
i shape diamonds until they look new.
when i get them they're rough,
but by using a buff
i can make their true sparkle show through.
"
"i'm a granny, but youthful, you know?
childish pastimes i'll never forgo.
i'm, like, totally smart
and just so young at heart!
(slightly older in other other parts, though.)
"
"his behavior at times is deplorable.
however, no matter how horrible,
his mischief's forgivable
'cause he makes my life livable.
my baby's just so darn adorable!
"
"i stand with the camcorder, ready
to film his first steps (still unsteady).
there's footage of stops,
scary drops and kerplops.
this experience makes me feel heady!
"
"there once was a man with an art
that from family would keep him apart.
he could pass lots of gas.
yes, this sounds rather crass,
but his flatulency mastered the fart.
"
"here's a deal if you pay on the nail:
each item's a dollar ? on sale!
and the shipping? flat rate,
which makes this so great:
every purchase costs ten bucks to mail.
"
"i am certain our ties will not sever.
will i ever forsake you? i'll never.
i'll be yours, you'll be mine?
till the end of the line.
i will love you, my soulmate, forever.
"
"she struggles to frost what she bakes.
there's a puddle of cream on her cakes.
after feeling despondent,
she rolls out some fondant.
now no one can see her mistakes.
"
"there once was a nun with a knack
for being deserving of flak.
she learned how to scoff
when priests told her off
for wearing magenta, not black.
"
"for a lab partner i was assigned
to the laziest student you'll find.
during class time he'll play
in the grass, and then say,
""i'm just doing some fieldwork, you mind?""
"
"your fiftieth birthday's a thrill!
relax and just let yourself chill.
you've journeyed halfway
to one hundred ? hooray!
now the rest of the trip is downhill.
"
"his lordship's demanding a feeding.
a good meal's what my baby is needing.
so what if i'm sleeping!
i can't stand his weeping.
and so with my breast i'm acceding.
"
"gotta keep this small ovoid in place
and protected, until i reach base.
if i'm out, i'll be stuck
cleaning yellowy muck.
i'm so winning this egg-and-spoon race!
"
"you have gross, oily hair! what to do
if a bath's not an option for you?
got no water? no fear,
use this powder to clear
the high-gloss?just apply dry shampoo.
"
"as a teen, i made mother irate
when i didn't stand perfectly straight.
see, if tall is uncool
in a short-person school
should i draw myself up to five eight?
"
"which hospital patient's a curse?
a depreciator?just ask a nurse.
he complains and bemoans
in loud, sniveling tones,
and b-negative blood makes it worse.
"
"i communicate solely online,
but it's usually hard to combine
true emotions with text.
google, please invent next
""send an emailable hug"" ? then i'm fine.
"
"though she thinks she's a makeup designer,
her eye-liner skills could be finer:
she emborders her lids,
and her hand jerks and skids,
so her outline job looks like a shiner.
"
"on my mac there's a dashboard display
that holds widgets in one neat array.
with a click i can go
to a screen that will show
my iphoto, iwork and iplay.
"
"pastel-colored pillows so sweet,
after-dinner mints make a good treat.
though i've seen variations
of these minty temptations,
they all are confections we eat.
"
"your beastliness must be an art:
only you can demolish my heart.
you're sinful and hateful
and vile?boy, i'm grateful
we're living an ocean apart.
"
"efflorescence: a versatile word.
it's a powder or rash, and i've heard
it's when flowers might grow,
when you show what you know,
or when crystallization's occurred.
"
"my construct-a-falafel technique:
grab a pita that won't spring a leak.
smear some hummus inside.
add the balls that you've fried.
fill with veggies to form a small peak.
"
"i'm on facebook by day and by night.
my followers like what i write.
i've got invites and friends.
i've got feeds to the trends.
but have i got a life? no, not quite.
"
"""if life hands you melons, you may
be dyslexic,"" psychologists say.
but this statement, abhorred
by the squash and the gourd,
spoils any cucurbita's day.
"
"online college for fish? i can't wait!
sturgeon tech claims its teams are top rate.
a chatroom's the station
for argumentation.
i'm hooked ? i'll be taking debate.
"
"if the sweater you purchased looks wrong,
or that newly bought skirt is too long,
just return it and go
get another. (there's no
exchangeability if it's a thong.)
"
"tax day is finally here
and the turbotax website is clear:
there's a refund for me,
which i'll get hassle-free
if i'll e-file my taxes this year.
"
"queen vashti was bad ? the king dissed her.
but esther? he couldn't resist her.
since becoming his wife,
she saved many a life.
(esther's also the name of my sister.)
"
"drink l'chaim! let's break out the booze!
we just heard the incredible news
that our baby's engaged!
(which just means that he's staged
in the childbirth position he'll use.)
"
"dear toddler, we're dropping a bomb:
in three months you will meet baby tom.
you'll be sent from your crib
which will go to your sib.
your evictors (i.e. dad and mom).
"
"an error message sucks, guaranteed.
your performance it's sure to impede.
but one pop-up i saw
made me smirk and guffaw:
""no mouse found. click ok to proceed.""
"
"a conservative-orthodox blend,
the conservadox jews like to bend
to whatever's convenient,
whoever's more lenient?
tradition with room to extend.
"
"squash, meringue, pickles, sushi, red meat,
ice cream, truffles ? these foods i can eat
after gorging on roast,
chicken, liver on toast...
see, my stomach is made of concrete.
"
"healthy food groups include meat and fruit.
but my children? they don't give a hoot.
they love sodas and shakes
and candy and cakes.
(but they're healthy and growing to boot!)
"
"i retrieve my kid's lunchbox today.
(when school ended, we'd stored it away.)
i unbuckle the flap
to find two-month-old crap:
a fossilized pb&j.
"
"after shaving your privates you see
reddened bumps in your stubble. could be
ingrown hairs/folliculitis
(a real itchy ""-itis"").
then your hubby might ask, ""std?""
"
"my paychecks have gone through deflation.
tax withheld makes me yell in frustration!
i really don't like a
taxation like fica
to ruin my summer vacation.
"
"a chemical pregnancy's tough:
you produce hcg ? just enough
for a positive test.
but you're not really blessed
since the embryo's not up to snuff.
"
"i once had a gardening fling
when i planted some shrubs near my swing.
with flowers bright yellow,
they make me feel mellow:
forsythia signals the spring.
"
"not just pretty, his snowsuit with frill
is so soft and has goose-feather fill.
the top portion is hooded.
the bottom is footed
to keep his toes warm in the chill.
"
"web forums are wonderful places
for people of all different races
to publish their say
any time of the day,
while their screen-names are masking their faces.
"
"us banknotes, for what it is worth,
can encircle our whole planet earth
if they're laid end-to-end.
not just one time, my friend,
but twenty-four times 'round its girth.
"
"as a person who's not a tech buff,
augmented reality's tough.
using cameras, machines,
computers and screens,
i'll experience non-real-life stuff?
"
"this occurs when our government tries
to dress facts in deceptive disguise:
a credibility gap
means they're feeding us crap,
and the truth is, we're sick of those lies.
"
"those students can clearly behold
that their teacher is cross-eyed. they're bold,
and her staring them down
makes her look like a clown.
(*sigh*) her pupils just can't be controlled.
"
"my grandma who's one hundred ten
asks, ""when will you visit me? when?""
so i whisper, ""uh oh,""
'cause i so hate to go,
and my granny replies, ""come again?""
"
"for super-bright white lumination,
use arc lights. there's ionization
of gas, where a spark
takes the shape of an arc.
just ask noah for more information.
"
"i examine my skin in alarm.
seems an allergen brought about harm:
raised hives colored pink,
so swollen, you'd think
an embosser was used on my arm.
"
"look at mac application files?they'll
end in .app. check out mail,
safari, isync...
i'm excited to think
about programs they soon will unveil.
"
"'twas the day that her majesty chose
to go visit her empire's chateaus.
at each stop, the men blinked
and the servant boys winked...
for the emperess wore her new clothes.
"
"you want to create animation,
but are clueless at flash application?
make an animated gif?
you'll be done in a jiff.
it's a super-fast image gradation.
"
"in a region with nary a bird,
not a chirp nor a song can be heard.
when no birders can stare
'cause the birds are not there,
avifauna's a seldom-used word.
"
"at the bow of this ship one might stand
and proclaim, ""i'm the king of the land!""
since the queue's to the stern,
lots of time 'til your turn.
reached amidship? you're halfway, old hand!
"
"avast will be heard on the ship
from the skipper, to stop any ""lip""
he may get from the crew
when they hear, ""no more brew!""
they'll be mighty, not high, on this trip!
"
"an apple-cheeked lassie named milly
got fatigued from these questions so silly:
""are those red cheeks you have
just a rash?  need some salve?""
so she always gave answers quite chilly.
"
"if you ""boo,"" then you seem a marauder,
but shout ""bravo!""?you're seen as a lauder.
now, if hands both do snap
from a nap to a clap,
then from lauder you've moved to applauder.
"
"at the dawn, she heard song?love's aubade.
then, in shock, she replied, ""my dear god!
though i look such a fright,
having slept through the night,
if you'll have me, i give you my nod.""
"
"such an artisanal craftsman is he,
and acclaimed as the best there can be,
that the work from his hands
brings the price he demands.
with great fame comes good fortune, we see!
"
"it's the appestat's fault if we eat
too much food at one time?pretty neat!
it's supposed to control,
but i've taken a poll,
and i've found that my own likes to cheat!
"
"to potatoes, a peeler brings skinning.
to v. hugo, a pealer's not sinning.
to a lawyer his job's
simply great if rich bob's
an appealer who's hell-bent on winning!
"
"an assenter is one who agrees
with the topic at hand, if you please.
sending ""nay"" from his throat
never floats his own boat.
he says ""yea!"" from the start to appease.
"
"my false-negative pregnancy tale:
the stick's showing one line. i exhale.
but i've not failed the test?
you can all guess the rest...
nine months later the stork brings me mail.
"
"pregnant mothers, when asked, have agreed
that when hearing the doppler's ""stampede""
of their new baby's heart
through the audio part,
they'd all burst into tears, guaranteed.
"
"an endless pool's totally cool!
it's a ""swim-in-place"" system where you'll
feel a current that moves you.
i say it behooves you
to buy one. your neighbors will drool!
"
"do we ever stop learning? no, never.
there's no limit to growing more clever.
and with each contribution
there's a new convolution,
a crease in your cortex forever.
"
"medusa, we know from greek lore,
had eyes that were hard to ignore.
she enmarbled the guys
who looked into those eyes.
watch her garden gain new stone decor.
"
"dear algebra, listen to me.
all i've got is this one simple plea:
get it out of your mind
that your ex i can find.
she has left you for good, can't you see?
"
"there once was a curious gent
who learned what embrittlement meant:
when his final tooth broke
he dissolved it in coke.
it got smaller...and smaller...and went.
"
"i abhor nighttime sounds epiglottic ?
his snoring just makes me neurotic!
chhhh... grrnnxx... pshhhh... goes the song
that i hear all night long.
gaahhh! tomorrow i'll take a narcotic.
"
"queen vashti, when called, chose to stay back.
enraged, the king sends his valet back.
so, why'd she refuse?
since she'd tortured the jews,
what she suffered entailed divine payback.
"
"when an educator runs out of gas,
and the end of her job comes to pass,
it's not like you or i:
if her passion won't die,
an old teacher just loses her class.
"
"that big chip on lee's shoulder is key
to his sniping and pettiness, see?
now he argues with all
to the verge of a brawl;
he reacts argumentatively.
"
"on the first leg the runner was quick;
the baton passed with barely a flick
to the second, then third,
then the anchorman heard
the crowd's gasp when he failed?dropped the stick!
"
"when i lived as a child in bombay,
i was watched by my ayah each day.
as my maid and my nurse
(""underpaid!"" she would curse),
she became more my nanny, i'd say!
"
"though the clock's loud alarm had long rung,
to the sheets the boy's body still clung.
""since i know you're awake,
there's no reason to fake,
so get up!"" said the mom to her young.
"
"the reporter announced that the quake
had left damage and death in its wake.
neither borders nor zones,
codes for mail or the phones,
could prevent its azonic big shake.
"
"cuddly kittens and pups stream away
from the shelters, while older pets stay.
the abandoned or old?
even injured, i'm told?
make adoptable friends that won't stray.
"
"with no columns on each of its sides,
the greek temple was called by the guides
an example worthwhile
for the ""apteral-phile"",
who delights in the joy it provides.
"
"king kong surely wished he'd escaped
so his image would not have been shaped
by an actor in fur
who looked fake, you'll concur.
ever since, the big ape has been aped!
"
"if arcane, it is known to so few?
esoteric?mysterious, too!
yet, if answers were found,
still no words you would sound,
so the secret stays safe?thanks to you!
"
"to an auction, a novice did go
to win treasures for trivial dough.
to his shock and surprise,
'cause he rubbed itching eyes,
he heard, ""sold! thank you, sir.  such a pro!""
"
"the inspector declared it sub-par,
a pub more akin to a scar?
a place for stiff drinks,
but now everyone thinks
that ""improvement"" means razing the bar.
"
"my barbershop cuts down the price
of a haircut each wednesday; that's nice.
when i said, ""please cut more,""
all my hair hit the floor,
i meant ""discount,"" but now won't have lice!
"
"the bagel's a strange, ring-like roll
whose virtues moms love to extol.
but it's chewy and tough;
when you've eaten enough,
try the center?it's just a big hole!
"
"rows of typewriter keys, or a set
of terminals placed so you'll get
a full view of the screens
all at once?all this means
that you're looking at banks, you can bet!
"
"my barber cuts hair very well,
but i'm balding so much i would tell
him i want a cost break
('cause, how long can it take?)
but he'd say, ""it's the search that's pure hell!""
"
"the ancients wove branches of bay
as a wreath, for a crown?'twas their way
of giving renown
to the best of their town,
whether athlete, or warrior from fray.
"
"the market that's wildest by far
is the famed oriental bazaar.
on its shop-lined packed street
are bizarre finds that treat
bargain hunters to goods without par.
"
"and then there's the case of poor maggie,
whose skin, from old age, was quite saggy.
when a child said her hose
had worked down, she said, ""those?
i don't wear 'em; my legs are just baggy.""
"
"black or white, striped or largemouth?  you choose
what's the best bass of all, as you cruise
and keep dropping your hook
into lake, pond and brook.
the best bass?  why, the ones you don't lose!
"
"if you're sewing with large running stitches,
but the piece looks as if it has glitches,
then it's basting you're doing.
(no need to start stewing!)
boys' pants can be real sons of britches.
"
"i'm so weary, i must rest my head,
but i've issues with lying in bed:
i don't have enough space
so my feet find no place,
and they hang off the footboard instead.
"
"in oppression for so many years,
with burdens that brought us to tears,
we forgot how one lives
and the joys freedom gives.
graduation! let's break out the beers!
"
"your financial plight getting too crummy?
find it hard to get food for your tummy?
there's the food pantry, see?
they distribute for free
meat and produce to make your meals yummy.
"
"it's the start of the term but, alas,
i'm sure math ain't a subject i'll pass.
we'll use fractions a lot:
the whole school knows i'm not
half as good as five-fifths of the class.
"
"first my favorite disc wouldn't play.
then my boss said, ""i'm cutting your pay.""
then a deal fell through (yay!)
and my car died (hooray!).
an enjoyable (not) kind of day.
"
"my foul language caused mother to screech,
""swear-to-god, down your mouth i'll pour bleach!
you make sailors look great.""
""but, mother,"" i state,
""it's my right. i've got freedom of speech.""
"
"i can't locate a chicken or hen,
nor pigs eating slop in a pen.
haven't seen any clowns.
just some hospital gowns.
why's it labeled a ""funny farm"" then?
"
"my job as a mom is full-time:
non-stop cooking and counseling and cleaning
and washing and kissing
and mending and coaching ?
hence this awful excuse of a rhyme.
"
"our fraternal twins, april and may,
dress alike when they're out on display.
people think they're the same,
so we're quick to disclaim:
""they're just siblings... but born the same day.""
"
"a newly freed wandering nation,
the jews went through one long erration?
a forty-year ride.
gps? oh, they tried
but the screen read: cannot find location. 
"
"""i'm no bastard, don't yell that at me!""
he retorted, but she'd not agree.
""though your parents were married,
i still feel i'm harried?
you mean, hateful partner!"" cried she.
"
"the ball would have sailed past the flag,
if he'd swung, but he checked?made him gag.
still, a steal was attempted,
but the out was pre-empted
'cause the ump ruled no tag at the bag!
"
"coitus interruptus: envision
an act to prevent the collision
of gametes by male
withdrawal (don't fail)!
it's a sperm of the moment decision.
"
"i watched as my father would snag
all the kittens, then sack them and drag
them to drown in the creek
near our town, but i'd sneak
down and save them?it's out of the bag!
"
"the balcony known best of all
is the one to which romeo's call
was directed with hope
that his ""sun"" would elope
with him, from her bedroom's tall wall.
"
"a silk fabric with rich, gold brocade,
a cloth top in a church's parade,
or a structure of stone
over altar or throne?
call each baldachin, you won't have strayed.
"
"the handyman club planned a banner
to stretch 'cross the wall, so their planner
got tools, cloth, and paint.
(a safe artist, he ain't.)
he became the club's scarred, tangled spanner.
"
"i'm rotund, and i know that's not hip,
but just as i boarded the ship,
""down and left!"" i was told,
""we need heft in the hold.
you're our ballast the rest of the trip.""
"
"the small, quiet town was quite clannish;
their life was too good to let vanish.
to keep it that way,
they voted last may:
""non-natives we totally banish!""
"
"to batten means simply to fatten.
it's your bod?  well, at least take a statin.
but a greater offense?
wealth at others' expense.
(yet, i do love my sheets of rich satin.)
"
"when a moro was told that he might
have to give up his knife, never fight,
he said, ""why should i yield
and have nothing to wield?
i'd rather barong than dead right.""
"
"much too niggling and hassling for me
is a man, who sans quarrel, could be
""wrangling champ uncle si,""
the best damned argufi-
er the world's been displeasured to see!
"
"ametropia's victims, dear me,
have an eye abnormality, see?
since bad vision's their plight,
due to ""far"" or ""near"" sight,
it's their prayer that lens-free they might be.
"
"to the squatter it's by arrogation,
not by subbing ('cause that's subrogation),
that he takes others' land,
gets the deed in his hand,
acting just like a thieving rogue nation.
"
"the drive made my head so much achier
than my arms and my legs, which felt shakier
the longer i spent
handling curves as i went
down a road that could not be much snakier!
"
"said old santa, ""i love them so trashless,
not so narrow, and certainly crashless!
the best chimney of all
is the one that i crawl
down and end up just totally ashless!""
"
"with only one chance to explore
the nightlife, we went door to door
to each pub on the street
downing drinks as we'd meet
all those barflies who barhop still more.
"
"i entered my urchin today
in a contest to bathe dirt away.
he will scrub in a tub;
if he wins, he can snub
those who've told him that grime doesn't pay.
"
"want trouble?  just let it run wild.
want pleasure?  just wait till you've smiled
at the cute thing it did
and then ran off and hid;
the ""it"" is a bantling, your child.
"
"for a two-hour hike on the range,
my wife has her gear, but she's strange.
she'll need make-up and heels,
and two dresses, she feels,
in her backpack, in case she must change.
"
"in my business i keep two accounts:
one's for bills, but the other's what counts?
my receivables, see,
are what they owe to me!
and that payables stack?  it just mounts!
"
"""sharpened blade on a handle of wood""
well describes this old tool used for good;
but, in battle, the axe
could cause death through attacks?
it chopped heads 'stead of wood as it should.
"
"the actor's one-liners don't click,
and his pratfalls are awfully sick.
says he, ill at ease,
""a vaudevillian reprise?
my bailiwick's drama, not shtick!""
"
"in the hospital, i nearly died?
all the air to my blood was denied.
so, i breathed in two tanks
of o2?many thanks!
now my aerated blood burps inside!
"
"the boy let his hook simply dangle
on his line in the air (wouldn't tangle).
afraid if he cast
that his line would knot fast,
he caught ""air fish"" instead?great new angle!
"
"if you need a soft fabric of silk,
barathea's the choice?smooth as milk.
it is silk mixed with cotton,
or wool, if you've gotten
too cold using cloth of light ilk.
"
"i need a new purse; i can't lag.
since the bargains are great, i must snag
one of each size and style?
while the prices aren't vile;
i can brag on the tag for each bag.
"
"there's a color that's specially made
just for boys, as a gender mark aid.
it's a very light blue,
touched with green (purple, too).
baby blue is the name of this shade.
"
"""don't worry, let's see that cut thumb,""
says the doc with his friendly aplomb.
""want it stitched?"" he then asks,
""or removed?"" (simple tasks.)
""either way, needs a bandage, my chum!""
"
"one mistake that you'll certainly rue
is to badmouth those tending to you.
sally's stylist once heard
of the ""facts"" sal had blurred.
scissors slipped?sal wore wigs! (hair re-grew.)
"
"he spends his days gorging on junk.
his enormous and well-padded trunk,
massive arms, paunch and chest,
have led folks to suggest
that he get his own zip code, that hunk.
"
"mom has babies one after another?
just today i received a new brother!
now my dad's recommending
a childbearing ending:
""we're calling it quits, me and mother.""
"
"can't tolerate jokes about poo?
or a pun that revolves round the loo?
call me gross, immature!
you must learn to endure?
with my muck you'll just have to make doo.
"
"last month i'd an exercise phase:
found a gym, used machines, joined the craze.
the elliptical trainer
was a max muscle strainer.
and how much did i lose? thirty days.
"
"for a car, the fall season's no good.
that's when acorns will do what they should,
which is drop on my car
leaving many a scar:
costly dints on my cadillac's hood.
"
"deplorability fills the motel:
all the linens and carpeting smell.
and i'm told with a scowl
when requesting a towel,
""someone's using it now?go to hell!""
"
"when you're ailing, please see a clinician
(like a dentist, gp, obstetrician).
he cures ills with some pills
while he kills you with bills.
still, be glad you don't need a mortician.
"
"my ancestress great-grandma sue
weighed six hundred pounds (yes, it's true).
and that factoid is why,
i explain with a sigh,
i've been dieting since i was two.
"
"""edentata are mammals,"" says ruth,
""that haven't got one single tooth.
a sloth would be one.
and to make learning fun,
so is grandma who's long past her youth.""
"
"your hair's electrifiable. wired,
your do becomes einstein-inspired.
send some volts through your hair;
comb it through here and there.
(note: adult supervision required.)
"
"a bale is a long cubic block
of raw or of processed plant stock
such as cotton or hay
(sells so well shaped that way),
and its profit keeps farms out of hock.
"
"your augustness is worthy, my dear,
of the boldest and grandest emir.
while my princess you are,
you will still have no car
till your pleas change to ""please"" in my ear!
"
"amaranthus, a genus of plants,
has a flower that often enchants
with its purple-red hue
(sometimes green or gold, too)?
vibrant beauty which only god grants.
"
"frank was lucky the judge set low bail,
so his moll sent the dough in the mail.
but it never got through?
was returned postage due?
so he's stamping to little avail.
"
"in austin, the warm summer sky
right at dusk fills with mammals that fly.
on their membranous wings,
bats swoop miles in big swings,
eating insects till fall brings ""goodbye.""
"
"its entablature seems to be greek,
but the rest of this building's a freak,
'cause no columns stand tall
(no pilasters at all),
so astylar's its style. strange technique!
"
"when everything's meshing, you see,
there's no discord; it's clear?we agree.
peace and quiet abound,
no bad vibes can be found,
for accordant with all we should be!
"
"with ambi- affixed to a word
there's no doubt that both sides will be heard.
ambidextrous?  both hands.
and ambiv'lence?  both stands.
getting dizzy?  be glad there's no third!
"
"setting values for tax is appraising.
but i wonder (when structures need razing)?
since the land's worth much more
without house, roof to floor,
if it's razed, will my taxes need raising?
"
"in the hills lived the stealthiest trader,
a cunning and artful evader.
he could ambush and run
like attila the hun;
he was known as ""the great ambuscader.""
"
"throughout html you may see
the term em and it either may be:
the markup tag <em>,
or the width of an m
(used for sizing your text by degree).
"
"""i've updated my book on nutrition,""
announces my skilled dietitian.
""you'll see i've filled in
more ideas to get thin?
here's my all-new expanded edition.""
"
"i apply for insurance this year,
and my agent makes everything clear:
""for eruptions volcanic
(when mountains go manic)
you'll be totally covered, no fear.""
"
"she's electrically zapping my hair.
'cause i want my skin totally bare.
these strong currents allow
hairs to break down and? ow!
#!&%(!@$*^#(%^*!!! (there's nothing to do besides swear.)
"
"she'd been scared off her tuffet one day
while ingesting her cheese curds. i'd say
that the curdiness was
the gut-churning cause
that frightened miss muffet away.
"
"a toothbrush and toothpaste are cheap.
to your teeth, though, you don't give a bleep.
now the dentinal section
of your tooth needs correction?
this cavity's deep... deep... deep... deep...
"
"we're despondent and wondering when
we'll complete the oedilf (3010?).
demoralizing? maybe.
but your granddaughter's baby
may be privileged to write on on-.
"
"we're students and eager to pass
when it comes to advanced physics class.
so we walk in on time,
and together we chime:
""professor, we've showed up en masse!""
"
"if your pubic hairs number a trillion,
the waxing for you is brazilian.
they'll rip out all that hair,
leaving labia bare,
but the pain factor's ten times a million.
"
"an endeavor i think would be clever?
writing limericks forever and ever.
i'll work hard day and night.
should you ask if i might
take a pause when i write, i'll say ""never!""
"
"each sunday the pastor would preach
those commandments to keep, not to breach.
and my father would chide
should i ever decide
that i'd backslide, my backside he'd reach!
"
"my pop always wanted to baste
my bottom when food i would waste.
so i wore extra pants
before each of his rants,
and it kept my sweet tushie quite chaste.
"
"the bagpiper's squeeze on the bellows
brought a hum from one drone, then its fellows.
as the melody rose
from a pipe 'neath his nose,
i found bagpipes make music that mellows.
"
"with their systems of various fees,
it is hard to endorse bankers' pleas
that they soon will be broke
and wear bankruptcy's cloak
if they can't charge us each time we sneeze!
"
"the near east offers dining quite quaint,
but your waiter could voice a complaint
if you make a big slip?
leave no baksheesh (a tip)?
it's no place to show fiscal restraint!
"
"in old tintypes, each pose was austere,
since the image was slow to appear.
couldn't move, couldn't smile?
looked so stern, all the while!
when 'twas done, did they grin ear to ear?
"
"although travel through space would be great,
how to get where you want stirs debate.
with the stars as my guide,
i would astrally glide
through the cosmos?first class and first rate!
"
"in brazil a strange tree you'll see grow?
araroba's its name, and laid low
in its bole's yellow wood
is a powder that's good
to treat ailments of skin?now you know!
"
"those bagnios are brothels, it seems,
and for business they go to extremes.
with music two vied
to lure takers inside;
""dueling bagnios"" were filling men's dreams!
"
"you're so appetent, meaning you're eager?
with desire and emotion not meager.
even though a new hire,
we can see you aspire
to ascend and become a big-leaguer.
"
"when acanth- starts a word, there's no doubt
that your blood could be flowing on out
through a hole in your skin,
'cause a thorn has dug in?
so ""watch out for those pricks!"" you could shout.
"
"to be christian, how do you begin?
you accept jesus christ, then you're in.
you've transgressed; you're impure?
but the ""baptism cure""
will now cleanse your original sin.
"
"to be apterous means ""lacking wings
on the insect's whole body,"" which brings
me to say that this plight
could be grand if no flight
meant that hornets would walk?no more stings!
"
"as the mugger accosted his prey,
he heard the man shakily say,
""don't come near or i'll shoot.""
then, explosions:  no loot!
(car had backfired.  the thief?  ran away!)
"
"my computerized dog's a delight?
a great guard, and i sleep through the night.
his brain? cpu.
his sound card's great, too,
so his bark is as bad as his byte!
"
"billy bellies right up to the bar
with no care that he'd driven his car.
it is 1:59
and, by god, he's still fine,
""one more belt 'neath my belt, i'll make par!""
"
"when azan the muezzin must call,
from the mosque's stately minaret tall,
islam's people will pray
their five times every day;
it's a summons to prayer cried to all.
"
"an assorter just lives to assort.
surely, grouping is life's greatest sport.
make a batch?  plant a patch?
find a match?  he's a natch!
out of sorts?  ""just when sick,"" he'll retort!
"
"quite gorgeous, this femme had it all,
as her rivals would squall from the wall.
but, so spoiled, she would cry
if denied?no eyes dry.
she was known as the belle of the bawl.
"
"big news needs big headlines, they say,
to attract readers' eyes and convey
what the story's about
with great visual clout.
""edge to edge"" is a banner type day!
"
"a brewery's vats have a charm
caused by rotting that's good, not a harm.
as malt liquors ferment,
yeasty foam is then sent
to the top.  so, no foul?  then, no barm!
"
"a bait in old times gave reprieve
as a rest stop on trips to relieve
travelers' hunger and thirst,
with a nap sometimes first?
even then, ""overbooked"" was a peeve!
"
"every work day i end with some pain
in my back, as it aches from the strain
of carrying those
(and the list grows and grows)
who ride me each day for their gain.
"
"the polish have babka to eat
as dessert or a breakfast cake treat.
with raisins, orange rind,
rum, and almonds, who'd mind?
i'll just polish off two?can't be beat!
"
"it was late, so i lay down to sleep.
it was quiet; i heard not a peep
'til one bleating sheep's whine
joined three hundred and nine
for the count?sleep was baa'd?noisy sheep!
"
"his vehicle ground to a halt.
no more current, and that was the fault
of the battery, which
he profaned with ""you bitch.""
now his battery's charging ""assault.""
"
"after waking, the details were blurry.
had my surgeon rushed through in a hurry?
said he, ""you're supine,
but your spine's now just fine,
and i sewed my best backstitch, don't worry!""
"
"my masseuse was so deft at massage
that i asked if she'd live as m?nage
so she'd always be handy,
which  i thought was dandy,
till my wife launched a bruising barrage!
"
"""that backdrop's amazingly real,""
said the actor in trying to deal
with those goats by the cows,
""so in taking our bows,
will we need to wear butt shields of steel?""
"
"seeing algo- affixed to a root
can mean pain is involved, no dispute!
there's algometer, plus
algophobia's fuss.
would you call a tight shoe ""algoboot""?
"
"a houseguest at lunch saw a roach
and decided, though tricky, he'd broach
a talk with his host,
who now shuns him the most,
'cause ""nice pet"" was a bad first approach.
"
"a misanthrope's lifelong revulsion
to crowds made him choose self-expulsion.
he was seen with a frown
when well inside the town
his home moved?from the river's avulsion!
"
"to anele is an action a priest
doesn't mind, as a rite, in the least.
it means ""to anoint,""
and it comes at the point
as one dies and is blessed for god's feast.
"
"at the bench he affirmed to the judge
that he'd pay all his debts?he'd not fudge!
but he paid not a one;
he's a son of a gun
with a lifestyle a budget won't budge!
"
"the magistrate ushered those caught
to his office, so plush and a lot
like a five-star hotel,
with appointments so swell
that you'd swear his appointment was bought!
"
"when so brightly the day is now dawning,
and your mouth opens wide from your yawning,
what can save both your eyes
from the sunlight's surprise
is your window's full sunshade, its awning.
"
"in those long ago ages called ""middle,""
when the alchemists often would piddle
with ways to forestall,
by elixir, death's call,
'twas arcanum they sought with each fiddle.
"
"carsick doggies most likely will barf
(that means ""vomit""), then bark an ""arf-arf.""
they could upchuck their sup,
or quite simply throw up,
hurling puke as they ralph on your scarf.
"
"""an acromphalus, ma'am, i can see
is your problem,"" the doc said to me.
seems my navel projects
and no longer collects
any lint, but my rings have a tree!
"
"highway driving abroad can be scary
'cause expressways have names that all vary:
autostrada in rome;
autobahn, audi's home;
on the autoroute, frenchmen don't tarry.
"
"'neath a banyan, a banian is meeting
with some merchants who first hear his greeting:
""see this tree with red fruits?
in the air hang its roots!""
he exclaims as his veggies he's eating.
"
"need an ""end-all"" to cause your foe's death,
as a bane, and preserve your life's breath?
for wolfman, argentum;
for drac, wood's momentum;
for others, just call up old seth!
"
"to say aye gives a ""yes"" in a vote,
or to orders, if barked on a boat.
if two ""yes men"" compete
for your favor and meet,
would their aye for an aye get your goat?
"
"we humans do treasure the jaw
as a part of the path to the maw.
and for birds, it's the same?
only not the same name.
horny bills form a beak (see macaw).
"
"at my job, on a break, i will bandy
with my cohorts, whose word skills are dandy.
after small talk's exchanged,
we return, non-deranged,
to our cubbies with ears ""chewing"" candy.
"
"their light, playful banter seemed tame
when compared to those hosts of foul fame.
then the audience cringed:
badinage came unhinged!
(""word malfunctions,"" but fined just the same.)
"
"when descending a staircase, don't fail
to be safe, so please hold the top rail.
each baluster (post)
adds support; you can boast
that the balustrade's sturdy, not frail.
"
"if it's aliform, think of a wing,
'cause the shape calls to mind such a thing.
could be clouds in the sky,
puffs of smoke passing by,
but for me that's the picture they bring.
"
"""of arts"" or ""of science"" remain
the most common degrees grads will gain.
and despite those plans' hassles,
would any trade tassels
for a ""bachelor of life"" plan sans pain?
"
"a badge is a wonderful tool
to gain entrance to workplace or school.
it says you belong,
as you whistle a song,
and you pass through the gate looking cool.
"
"is it banquet?  or maybe banquette?
for a banquet, buffets would be set,
while banquette's a wood shelf
on buffets?watch yourself!
eat the latter, what gastric regret!
"
"evangeline rode with her beau,
a cajun named joe thibodeaux,
in his boat, a bateau
(it's flat-bottomed and slow),
till he said, ""yo' a tough ho to row.""
"
"the badlands are desolate spots?
barren ground and worn peaks, a few slots.
once the realtors find out
there's new land they can tout,
they'll hatch plots for the badlands' best plots!
"
"a bactrian camel's two lumps
on its back make a valley.  my rump's
sure to fit right between,
as the whole asian scene
passes quickly, once over the humps.
"
"has the stock market started to tank?
do you have some investments to yank?
where to put all that cash?
in a bank seems least rash.
(a firm mattress is not a firm bank!)
"
"my backside's protected these days
from parental attack?planning pays!
i wear pads in my pants
just in case my dad plants
a sharp whack on my butt for my nays.
"
"in the distance the storm clouds had massed;
soon a bank dumped its snow and then passed.
will the plows clear each street,
making snow banks to greet
those commuters who'll bank they'll drive fast?
"
"there once was a boat with a bucket,
but no one could think where they'd stuck it.
when the hull sprang a leak,
screamed the crew in a shriek,
""we should bail!""  so, they did?toward nantucket!
"
"if bolivian soil's your temptation,
or peru, as your summer vacation,
aymara sites please see,
for the scholars agree
they predate incan civilization.
"
"though his absence through sunday was cool,
until tuesday he splashed in his pool.
without leave first approved,
he was fired?boss unmoved
by the pleas of the awol ""pool fool""!
"
"their raft came apart, so to each
it was clear: to survive, they must reach
that isle's sandy shore,
and be stranded once more?
no escaping from gilligan's beach.
"
"there once was a trader named carter,
whose wife nagged him for more cream of tartar
to finish her pie.
when he found no supply,
traded her for ten pies?what a barter!
"
"i love the aroma of basil!
it deserves your regard and appraisal.
use it fresh, use it dried?
need a pungency guide?
it can penetrate drippings postnasal.
"
"i knew that the sky should be blue,
somewhat purplish?but nothing looked true.
as i searched through the red
for that azure o'erhead,
i'd forgot that to mars i had flew!
"
"squeezing cane down to pulp yields bagasse,
then its juice makes white sugar; i'll pass,
'cause i fear if i try it,
it's death to my diet.
that pulp's not a help, just morass!
"
"a small, metal knob on a muzzle;
drops of moisture so small you can't guzzle;
a liquid's gas bubble;
a frame's inside double;
or a necklace part?all solve bead's puzzle.
"
"in scotland a griddlecake's called
a bannock, and some are enthralled
with its unleavened state,
as it sits on the plate
knowing flatly it soon will be mauled.
"
"the balance beam's known as the bane
of those gymnasts who ""gold"" would obtain.
only four inches wide,
it can kill skill and pride
when the feet miss the feat?all in vain.
"
"the landscaper said, ""build it here;
from this hilltop, you'll view the whole sphere!""
that roofed gallery gave
joy to all those who crave
awesome scenery?grand belvedere!
"
"an outlaw, a mean desperado,
was caught and then dealt bastinado.
though the soles of his feet
bore the cudgel's harsh beat,
he stayed true to his macho bravado.
"
"we saw clarence get his, i believe,
in a movie where that christmas eve
a small bell sent out rings
when this angel got wings.
he's now alar, and sighs do we heave!
"
"although ships sail all over the earth,
comes a time each must dock in a berth?
in a fine scottish firth,
or down under in perth?
captains hope for great docks (and some mirth).
"
"her true love, a recalcitrant beau,
had proposed, but was stubbornly slow
to commit to a date;
he preferred that they wait,
till the ""test results"" started to show.
"
"if a nose is abnormally big
and is shaped like a bird's eating rig,
then some people might shout
that the poor person's snout
is a beak, not a nose?what a dig!
"
"the gymnast worked out her routine,
till a drunk, out of drink, hit the scene
saying, ""balance would be
such a new thing for me;
if i try your gym beam, will i lean?""
"
"the pasture's completely abuzz
with the news of ""what is"" and ""what was.""
seems a new calf's first meal
wasn't beestings?the deal?
sucked a hive; now has bee stings, it does!
"
"while unmarried's a bachelor's fate,
some would claim it's a wonderful state.
though you're lacking a spouse,
you will rule the whole house,
till you slip up and find your soul's mate.
"
"when my friend used and broke my best awl,
first he wept, then he started to bawl.
like a two-timing spouse
whom i'd thrown from the house,
for forgiveness, i forced him to crawl.
"
"when the earth has completed its quaking,
the buildings and people stop shaking.
but there's always the threat,
though the region seems set,
there'll be aftershocks?quakes late in breaking!
"
"the word almond is tricky for me;
""l"" is silent?for nut and for tree.
but when using the nut
in a dish, ""l"" gets cut.
it's then amandine, chefs will decree!
"
"in a future that's cashless, you see,
deals are debit, or credit, or free.
so, rewards we will earn,
but sans money to burn,
it's an ""ashless"" economy, oui?
"
"in an audit the books get a looking,
both for errors and criminal cooking.
honest errors, if found,
just get fixed, but courts pound
on the crooked, so lawyers they're booking!
"
"on the avenue, movement's subpar;
its grand opening looks so bizarre!
'cross six lanes all are stuck?
be it car, be it truck?
'cause the road is still wet with hot tar!
"
"when three cops tried to stop the affray,
they got punched by the scrappers, and they
found that none fight as hard,
and with such disregard,
as do women on store-closing day!
"
"soft-voiced actors were not very audible.
their performances, deemed unapplaudable,
made the audience mad,
as they felt they'd been had,
so they booed them as wholly unlaudable.
"
"though an a-frame the house was to be,
with the builder i could not agree!
now the home has renown
'cause it's built upside down?
a mistake reading prints made it ""v""!
"
"the arrivers are those who appear
on the scene to a great joyous cheer.
whether early or late
to a great party date,
let the fun now begin...they are here!
"
"to both liver and milk he's averse.
asked the reason, his answer was terse.
""hate the look.  hate the smell.
hate the taste."" can you tell
his aversiveness couldn't get worse?
"
"through sequoias we drive, thanks to loggers,
who bored passageways using their augers.
what a great site to see,
and be inside a tree!
i'll relate it tonight for us bloggers.
"
"on the right side you see many keys,
but the buttons lay left?dare you squeeze?
push the bellows?move air.
out come polkas?beware!
the accordion's playing, oh geez!
"
"""where's my tool?"" asked his friend in the call.
joe replied, with his back to the wall,
""i destroyed its sharp point,
making holes for a joint.
please forgive that i gave it your awl!""
"
"with no backbone, you cannot stand straight;
it supports your entire body's weight.
it's a vertebral tower
that is curved, but has power;
all those bones make a spine that's first-rate!
"
"once defeated in contests diverse,
all the losers will quickly disperse.
while the winner gets gold,
seems each also-ran's told,
""with more practice, you might break the curse.""
"
"fully baccate, stems flagged and then dragged;
the plants' yields of great berries soon sagged.
after pickers were gone,
the culled fruit they left on
for two weeks wasn't baccate?it gagged!
"
"just a float where musicians might bask?
note that  bandwagon does multitask.
the word's likewise a cause
with support that just awes;
even more will climb on if you ask.
"
"a bat is a curious stick:
there's a thin end, and one that is thick.
it is used to propel
a small ball as yells swell.
do it right and you'll score?that's the trick!
"
"for a thing to be ansate, a must
is a handlelike part you would trust
to be used as a gripper,
like the tab on a zipper.
should it break, will you handle its bust?
"
"my search for great gems for her ring
made me pause at an azurite bling.
though it's blue like the sky,
i kept wondering why
i saw coppery specks in the thing!
"
"since the sediment's risen to highs
in the bed of this stream, no surprise
that the bottom's been made
to aggrade, i'm afraid.
it's so close now, it's up to my eyes!
"
"my kid brother was ready to spar,
being barred from a seat in a car
on the ferris wheel ride
'cause the sign right beside
said, ""no rides till you're tall as this bar!""
"
"whether parlor, salon, or a shop,
if beauty's attached, ladies stop
in to fix up their hair,
get a facial, repair
broken nails...though big bucks they will drop.
"
"a nation at war can commence
to seize or destroy, sans offense,
neutrals' property by
right of angary. why?
there's no crime if there's full recompense.
"
"if the side dish is beans, those astute
will take care so the serving will suit
all nutritional needs
without musical leads,
since these legumes loose toots not so mute!
"
"as a child he would cry, ""tell me why!""
as a teen, eye-to-eye, he would try
to coerce me to yield
but that ""no"" i would wield,
with ""because"" as my reasoned reply.
"
"when deciding which dressing to coat
her green salad with, kim cast her vote:
""just acetum and oil,
that's my method to foil
the sharp vinegar taste in my throat.""
"
"a shy artist, no partier he,
was besieged by one heartier: me!
""your great passion's aflame
just at work?what a shame!
can't you an artier partier be?""
"
"kirk finished his planned surface stay
and returned in a ""particle"" way.
this command starts his travel
(makes his atoms unravel):
""beam me up!"" ends a normal trek day.
"
"a discounter sends me a truck
with a load of bamboo dunked in muck.
though he says he'll clean up
(like i do with my pup),
i'm bamboozled and clean out of luck!
"
"living totally inside its walls,
the birds flew as they let out their calls.
""give me grubs with some gravy?
they're the best here at avi-
ary housing,"" screeched polly in squawls.
"
"the greatest new car you can get
was designed by the folks at neu jet.
backseat drivers beware,
no more comments?don't dare,
or i'll push that ""eject switch"" i've set.
"
"if you wanted to pick up a pail,
you would use the hoop handle?the bail.
and the handle-like hoops
on those old wagon sloops?
they're the bails for the schooner's white ""sail.""
"
"her boyfriend was mad as a hatter;
he allowed non-stop patter to matter,
till, wrongly, he slapped,
and, with anger uncapped,
joined the ranks of abusers who batter.
"
"the african tree called babul
is a source for the glue used in school.
its gum's found in candy,
its wood's hard and handy,
and its tannin's a tanner's best tool!
"
"it's a fruit you'll see en el mercado,
the thick-skinned, dark green avocado.
as a mexican dip
on a chip, verde's hip.
it is served by top chefs with bravado!
"
"if enclosed (though just partly), then  bay
is correct to describe things that way:
such as water by land,
or low ground two hills strand;
even prairie, if woods 'round it lay.
"
"my colleague tries always to baffle
our group with weird items to raffle.
like a bottle that sloshed,
so he laughed as he joshed:
""it's half empty?or is it just haffle?""
"
"as the waiter delivered the bill,
with an ""i will take care of this"" thrill,
the cheapskate said, ""great!""
and left nil by the plate.
comment backfired?he'd tapped his own till!
"
"in the alps, this small plant grows so high
that it's hard to obtain, but men try
for an edelweiss bloom,
midst alpestrine quick doom,
just to hear, for their pluck, love's sweet sigh!
"
"banns of marriage are written, of course,
to announce through the church that no force
has been used (both are willing
to be wed).  banns are thrilling.
ban all unions?  you'll stop all divorce!
"
"in the ballpark can mean you're inside
a place where the home team shows pride
as a ball game is played,
or it could mean you've stayed
well within proper range?glad you tried?
"
"the wood of the balsa's so light
that it's commonly seen in mock flight,
for it's used to make toys,
which are launched by most boys:
glider airplanes, whose crashes are slight.
"
"the paraffin figures, in stacks,
and the props in their crates, stored on racks,
wouldn't sell one by one,
though the sale had begun,
so one price bought the whole ball of wax.
"
"fold a scarf to triangular shape;
cover head, let material drape.
tie the ends under chin?
great babushka!  you win!
does it make russian men stand agape?
"
"while bald often means ""without hair,""
it could mean that your lawn's somewhat bare.
it can mean ""unadorned,""
or for statements, ""unwarned,""
but with eagles, ""invaders beware!""
"
"there once was a knight named sir merve,
whose bachelor served him with verve.
through his duty and nerve,
this young lad showed reserve;
he then rose 'cause his heart wouldn't swerve.
"
"the composers they're casting?  no shock!
german greats of one family, same stock.
when the casting call starts,
""ahnold"" quickly imparts,
""you can bet this for sure:  i'll be bach!""
"
"""mix those eggs with your flour; what's the matter?""
said the chef to his sous fixing batter.
""with their food in a crust,""
said the sous, ""you can trust
that those lawyers will sue?makes them fatter!""
"
"the scout saw the enemy massed
for a charge up the hill, so, aghast,
he signaled by fire
their approach (things looked dire).
through his beacon, the foe was outclassed.
"
"singing poets in old celtic times
both composed and recited their rhymes
of group legend and lore?
bards got right to the core.
we're informed because none worked as mimes.
"
"my friend's a muchacho named mario
who lives in new york's largest barrio.
there the old country thrives
as they live out two lives
in a ""spanish/american"" scenario.
"
"every window stuck out in his pad;
when he'd stand at the panes, it was sad.
the space the bays made,
by protruding, displayed
very well the bay window he had!
"
"while foraging, please be quite wary
of a plant with a poisonous berry.
look for flowers of white;
 its red berries are bright.
don't eat baneberry!  death will not tarry.
"
"a fashion-trend maven stopped cold
in her tracks when she heard it extolled:
""brightly colored as canna,
it's what's hot!""  the bandanna?
over ten million handkerchiefs sold?
"
"the costume director's big task
is to fit the lead actress's basque.
with her bodice skin tight
like her skirt every night,
viewers bask in her glow through the masque.
"
"if au fait, you are skilled or expert,
and you really most likely exert
much less effort and sweat
than a novice?and yet
you get paid more, i must now insert!
"
"a supporter is known as a backer?
for a cause or celeb, a loud yakker.
but ""support"" gets defiled
when a loss by your child
means the ref gets the blame, not your slacker.
"
"if two bears were to stroll on a lark,
you could tell where they'd been, day or dark.
for without any shoes
they'd be leaving foot clues,
as they roam with bare feet in the park.
"
"a plush store hopeful burglars espy,
but their plan's going slightly awry?
seems the doorway's too small
for too plump or too tall?
should the freight entrance be their next pry?
"
"when the flames exposed coals as they died,
the charred backlog's dim glow could be spied.
i said to my dad,
""no more wood to be had.""
""see that backlog to axe?"" he replied.
"
"as ""best man"" they compelled me to dabble
in a toast to the marrieds, but babble
just flowed from my lips
in a stream of tongue slips?
and that ""blabble"" created a rabble!
"
"it's the final lap now and it's clear
that to win he must speed from the rear.
so with pedal to metal,
the race he will settle:
accelerate!  shift to high gear!
"
"the hustler's next ball on his docket
lay in perfect position to knock it.
""the eight ball, side pocket.""
off the bank, like a rocket,
sank the ball?as his mark watched him sock it!
"
"once arrested, the wealthy post bail
so they won't have to stay locked in jail
till their trial completes.
they can then hit the streets,
but while free they must not hit the trail!
"
"batophobia's not what you think
(fear of bats), though you'd swear there's a link.
being near things too high
causes fear, so you shy
from those skyscrapers?buildings you'd shrink!
"
"unwed, bob lives the bachelor's life,
free from care and all marital strife.
though he seems a ""great catch,""
he is planning to bach
'til he dies?not be matched with a wife.
"
"from the lighthouse a beam shines each night
as a guide for the ships which just might
fail to stay the true course.
such a beacon's a source
of relief?it's a ""welcome home"" sight.
"
"of the strange algal plant it's been said
that it seems not a plant; we're misled.
without stems, without leaves,
without roots, it deceives,
but at least most are green and not red!
"
"it's a must for a breakfast buffet?
strips of pork, smoked and fried just your way.
as the light swells from night,
squeals for bacon's delight
fill the morn? but do pigs mourn each day?
"
"their emotions ran hot with such haste?
as they fought, second thoughts they soon faced.
although sorrys were said,
each was bitter; why wed?
some words' aftertaste can't be erased.
"
"having hair from each ear to the chin
is a beard, but it's also within
the word's meanings to call
tufts or bristles, though small,
on a plant the same name?please don't grin.
"
"both my mustang and bronco run free.
through the wind flies my thunderbird, whee!
though explorer is nice,
expedition's my vice.
life affords the best fords if you're me!
"
"when a skater performs on the ice,
going airborne adds sparkle and spice.
double axel's a jump
that gives quite a rump-thump
when you land from those revs not so nice!
"
"the blaze was approaching quite furiously
while the onlookers viewed it quite curiously.
a backfire was planned,
but it got out of hand
and burned more, causing harm quite injuriously.
"
"too much ballyhoo sends up a flare
to the buyer: ""be warned and beware!""
if the product's so great,
why is bluster a trait
of the huckster who hawks it on air?
"
"when the job that you've done is top-notch,
and it's noted you seldom will botch
any chore you've been given
'cause you seem to be driven,
an award may be yours (hope it's scotch!).
"
"to protect your best horse, use a bard?
not a poet, but armor that's hard.
it deflects weapon blows;
it's adornment that shows.
you'll be voguish and won't be off-guard!
"
"""to make greater in size or extent""?
that is just what it means to augment.
but as some things expand,
they get way out of hand.
that's why lies seldom end as you meant.
"
"absorb means ""to take in and hold
errant liquid,"" but more should be told.
it can mean that those who
to the group once seemed new
are a part, not apart from the fold.
"
"a contestant got knots in her bowel
when she lost 'cause she bought the wrong vowel,
yelling, ""i'd have done better,
if i'd chosen a letter.""
there was truth in this loser's avowal.
"
"""the balata's a tropical tree
with a latex-like sap that can be
used to make a tough gum
that will often become
golfball covers or gaskets,"" barked she!
"
"for nutrition and taste, people feel
the banana is nature's best deal.
its flesh, very sweet,
makes a healthy eat-treat,
but first skin it for greatest appeal!
"
"a bat is a binge or a spree,
but what's really much stranger to me
is that ""wink very fast""
or ""to wander on past""
are more meanings of bat.  disagree?
"
"as the driver adjusted his glove
of berlin, there was each turtledove
cuddling tight for the ride.
in his carriage they'll glide
through berlin by berlin?so in love!
"
"when ferrante and teicher are through
and the steinways are cleared, a small clue
(one piano's new bulge)
left behind will divulge:
baby grand's on the way, but who knew?
"
"in scotland my laddie (a boy)
and my lassie (a girl), with a toy,
went to play near two cairns,
having fun as two bairns
would; they're kids?full of life, hope, and joy!
"
"for cajuns, the evenings are muggy,
and the swamps and the marshes are buggy.
on the bayou they throw
lively parties; all go,
raising spirits with bands that are juggy.
"
"balalaika: guitar-like, three strings,
a long neck, and three sides are the things
that distinguish its body.
its music's not shoddy?
you'll hear it at most russian flings.
"
"when batho- or bathy- begin
certain words, you will ""sea"" (digging in),
they add ""deep"" when applied,
such as -sphere (ride inside?)?
take the bathyscaph down for a spin!
"
"the actor inside felt despair
since his ""smokey"" suit blocked all his air.
though he needed the work,
mere employment's no perk
if the job you can no longer bear.
"
"you are awkward (that's ""lacking in grace""),
so you stumble and fall on your face.
this most often is seen
in that age known as ""teen,""
when self-worth can be hard to embrace!
"
"a bachelor seal, young and male,
tests his hormones but likely will fail.
he'll be kept from the breeding
by old bulls who keep seeding?
it's a frustrating tale of no tail!
"
"if you castrate a porker in time
(in advance of his sexual prime),
then a barrow you've got,
but a lover he's not.
(unlike parker's famed partner in crime.)
"
"will this beauty spot  make me look hot?
my fair skin might react; i dare not
have it glued there in place
as a part of my face.
make my mole just a painted-on dot.
"
"as young shoots, it adds crunch to your wok.
when mature, stems are sturdy as rock.
for construction or craft,
as a fence or lashed raft,
choose bamboo, mother nature's tough jock.
"
"the romans used quite a machine
in a siege. from a distance, unseen,
it launched missiles?the sky
would rain death. that is why
the ballista made triumph routine.
"
"my basenji's a noise-making cheater;
he can't bark, but my life is no sweeter.
through some app, he's now heard
as a strange canine bird!
he's no woofer, but what a great tweeter!
"
"the actor had added this note
on a glossy?for one fan he wrote,
""your silence was golden,
for which i'm beholden.
much obliged, (signed) b. holden"" (end quote).
"
"through the folklore of those known as gaels
roams a spirit, the banshee, whose wails
will bring fear to a clan,
for its members must plan
for grave news?and the grief death entails.
"
"the jeweler declared this baguette
his most gorgeous and striking stone yet.
his precision divisions
lead to expert decisions?
how rectangular gems are best set.
"
"atop the large mound grew thick yarrow,
but it took an old farmer's sharp harrow
to turn up the ground
where he suddenly found
old bones in mass graves in a barrow.
"
"while in london, we hear such a clangor
from a car that is wrapped as a banger.
but this wurst's low on grease
and its grindings now cease.
no more hot-dogging?off to its hangar!
"
"could that edible seaweed called badderlocks
with brownish-black fronds cause one bladder locks?
though i'm sure it's not true,
if it were, you'd boo-hoo;
thanks to kelp, you'd need help?there're no sadder locks!
"
"when my broker informed me he'd bought
baby bonds, ""good investment!"" i thought.
my retirement's now planned
with these notes near a grand,
and my life fills with interest they've brought.
"
"it was weird at the monsters' big bash;
as they danced, there was heard a big crash.
wolfie jostled drac's bride,
and then fangs pierced his hide.
neither bashful, they bashed at the mash!
"
"emboldened, its greed never ceased;
so, this ogre continued to feast
on the small and the weak.
will the donkeys soon streak
to a win? (""grand old pachyderm"" beast!)
"
"there once was a woman named marge,
whose ego and size were quite large.
into rooms she would barge
like a blustery sarge.
glad she had no big guns to discharge!
"
"to a sleep lab i went for a test
and found apnea's why i'm so stressed.
now my cpap machine
stops that throat-closing scene,
and i get a full eight hours' rest.
"
"musicologists just might ignore
the obscure 1500s bandore.
it resembled a lute;
strings were plucked (no dispute).
none survive, so no concert's in store!
"
"i have apnea; breathing's a chore.
till my airway collapses, i snore.
then all noises will cease
till my brain sends release
with a gasp, and i'm breathing once more!
"
"the boy's scared if the water seems deep,
so his bathwater makes his skin creep.
though bathometers used
prove it's safe, he's refused:
bathophobia's making him weep.
"
"at last you have cornered the prey;
it is trapped, and it can't get away.
by the hounds it's surrounded;
the beast is confounded?
in the old days, we called this abay.
"
"the romans, in classical pose,
wore togas, as everyone knows.
the toga's for gentry;
for peasant or sentry,
abollas were clothes that they chose.
"
"since you come to our plays every day,
we salute you, our new abonn?.
you've panache, you've got class,
you've a new season pass,
and admission is cheaper that way.
"
"the old-fashioned term abolete
has performed a linguistical feat:
through protracted disuse
it has lost all its juice
and become what it means:  obsolete.
"
"o sailor, with hard, calloused fist,
you're not partial to card games like whist.
able-whackets you choose,
but watch out you don't lose:
it will earn you a slap on the wrist.
"
"said eve unto adam one night,
""this apple's a luscious delight!
it's sweet and nutritious,
a golden delicious.
you want a bit?"" ""sure, i'll abite.""
"
"every gardener who's sowing some seeds
this suggestion quite sensibly heeds:
aberuncate stray shoots
(pull 'em up by the roots)
or your plants will be choked by the weeds.
"
"first we rode in a carriage, then sailed;
at each stage of the journey they wailed.
""are we there yet?"" they cried.
but i simply replied
""children, no, we have not yet abayled.""
"
"the maiden, curvaceous and sweet,
approached as i walked down the street.
first she sighed, then she quipped,
""hey, your fly is unzipped.""
my abashance was nearly complete.
"
"rash wanton!  abandonly dance!
be reckless, unguarded, and prance
around the whole room.
you will lighten my gloom,
and i'll laugh if you trip on your pants.
"
"the paint on that wall's white as snow;
any mark there would instantly show.
it won't suffer the touch
of a chair or a hutch:
i have nothing against it, you know.
"
"i would like to advance my career,
but i don't think it's possible here.
who knew suit meant dispute,
or that contests refute,
or that bar's not a place to buy beer?
"
"my publisher took a big chance
when he paid me a healthy advance.
but the work on my book
won't advance, so i took
my advance and advanced into france.
"
"after starting in early september,
academic years pause in december,
	then dwindle away
	until june, perhaps may.
it's not funny, but quick to remember.
"
"at her birthday, young alice mcbride
hung a dolphin and ass side-by-side.
""it was destined to fail,
for my guests pinned the tail
accidentally on porpoise!"" she cried.
"
"the costume with baubles was packed;
with gems it was fronted and backed.
it had spangles galore,
yet they added one more:
an accessory after the fact.
"
"""don't you dare wear that filthy shirt here,""
the mechanic's wife said with a sneer.
""you can fix flats all day
but at home find a way
to start changing attire, my dear.""
"
"our poetry's worth never fades;
our readers will put on parades!
how they'll cheer!  how they'll roar!
they'll send presents galore,
and pour accolades down in cascades!
"
"an aspiring young fed looked about
in a hunt for subversives to rout.
on his very first case
he put moles to the chase
and a spy ring thus ferreted out.
"
"my favorite psychic, named clare,
is an augur beyond all compare.
that's why i was shocked
when a customer knocked,
and clare promptly inquired, ""who's there?""
"
"if we try to divide an eclair,
my sister will grumble and glare.
""i cut, and you choose""
is the system we use
to ensure the apportionment's fair.
"
"that puppy's so peripatetic,
his energy's really frenetic.
he loves chasing balls
through the rooms and the halls?
how i wish he'd become akinetic!
"
"aspidistra, with leaves green and crisp,
is hardy?no will-o'-the-wisp.
it will thrive, even bloom,
in a dark, gloomy room.
(it's a job to pronounce with a lisp.)
"
"rick said, ""play it!"" to sam in the bar;
it's the line that made bogie a star.
so why is it then
that ""play it again""
is the quote that we hear near and far?
"
"fond sentiments you would disclose,
and marriage you wish to propose?
don't bring armfuls of flowers?
that just overpowers.
you're much better off with one rose.
"
"amphetamines, little white pills,
can give you spectacular thrills.
they'll stifle your hunger
and make you feel younger,
but, sooner or later, speed kills.
"
"a city on high's the acropolis;
it stands far above the metropolis.
here temples abound
upon greek sacred ground,
and the gods are the principal populace.
"
"for a poet, again is a strain:
does it rhyme with amen or amain?
paired with pen, men, or then
you should say it again;
after pain you must say it again.
"
"""will you wed me?"" he asked. ""oh yes, i'll
gladly walk with you down the church aisle.
for a honeymoon trip
we could sail on a ship
far away to a tropical isle!""
"
"our lim'ricks are cute and quite pretty,
and readers may say that they're witty.
but are they aesopic,
concealing some topic
of doom?  no they're not, more's the pity.
"
"when preparing your hounds for the hunt,
abaiting's a pretty good stunt.
let 'em sniff at the prey;
they'll run better that way
(just be certain you're not out in front).
"
"""if open can shorten to ope,""
wondered spenser (and he was no dope),
""can't abandon  become
just aband, then, by gum?""
to which we would most likely say, ""nope.""
"
"for soothing, no drug can surpass
analgesics (the pain-killing class).
two aspirins will do
to relieve aches from flu,
but they won't cure a pain in the ass.
"
"o acrobat up on the wire,
your high-flying stunts we admire.
in your splendors we bask,
but we simply must ask,
what made you choose kilts as attire?
"
"arizona's the state where i dwell,
where the dusty winds billow and swell.
it's a hundred at night
and the scorpions bite:
it resembles the entrance to hell.
"
"until his small kingdom went bust,
the monarch was truly august
(that's magnificent, grand,
most revered, stately) and,
i'm afraid, not too worthy of trust.
"
"a curate who came from capri
was an expert in math (ph.d.!).
the sunday collection
he'd count with perfection,
for an accurate curate was he.
"
"accentual poetry's based
on the spots where the stresses are placed:
that means syllable strength,
not just number or length?
this lim'rick will give you a taste.
"
"there's nothing alluring, it's true,
about making a stew with your shoe.
it will not taste too pleasant,
but if you're a peasant,
it might be the best you can do.
"
"all these limericks!  golly!  good grief!
they're so metrical, cheery, and brief.
i have got an aversion
to rhyming immersion:
some blank verse would be a relief!
"
"the angles, like saxons and jutes,
were germanic and wore leather boots.
to england they came,
to the land gave their name:
now they eat fish and chips and wear suits.
"
"an old roman bought parmesan cheese,
prosciutto, ricotta, and peas;
some garlic, salami,
a pound of pastrami;
and how did he pay?  why, with aes!
"
"two girls spent a day in duluth:
the brunette dined on toast and vermouth,
while the fair one amassed
a most splendid repast,
since the blonde had more funds.  it's the truth!
"
"king aegeus sent theseus to fame;
the minotaur's life he would claim.
dad thought the lad failed
when his ship was black-sailed:
the aegean now bears the king's name.
"
"an aspiring young man of st. bride
for a church-building job once applied.
the boss thought he looked smart:
""now just how will you start?""
""a-spiring,"" the young man replied.
"
"""you're under arrest, mrs. phelps.""
""but i didn't do it!"" she yelps.
""when my husband was shot
i was smelting a pot.""
(a cast-iron alibi helps.)
"
"when you're speaking of beasts microscopic
(far smaller than creatures anthropic)
	and go on all day
	in a minuscule way,
animalcules are likely the topic.
"
"""the cuisine here is simply delish,""
said the diner while sampling the fish.
""all the food is top-shelf,
and the owner himself
still attentively seasons each dish.""
"
"her surgeon had deftly designed
a bosom and tummy refined;
her forehead's uncreased,
and her eyes are a feast,
but her aftmost he left far behind.
"
"my wife doesn't even react
when someone observes that i'm cracked.
you see, she is quite sane,
so it proves once again
that opposites surely attract.
"
"a brothel's sole madam's the bawd;
she controls, keeping conduct unflawed.
the girls look so tawdry;
their language?  why, bawdry!
bawdy laughter is heard as they're pawed.
"
"as the school board prepared to cast votes
to adopt some new textbooks, some notes
from the chair to the floor
read: ""you will please ignore
all these salesmen with knives at our throats!""
"
"as two fencers square off for their match,
""a feint,"" thinks the keen one, ""i'll hatch!""
so his foot he stamps quick
to distract.  thrust and stick!
his appel yields touch??not a scratch!
"
"when your child takes a bath, you might say
he'll be clean when the dirt's washed away.
for hebrews of old,
a bath, they were told,
was a measure of liquids, not play!
"
"there once was a mrs. vancleef
whose husband kept giving her grief.
so said she, ""dear, i skimp!""
but said he, ""you're a blimp,
and your belly belies your belief.""
"
"when you hear four gents singing of hearts
and of flowers for love's brand new starts,
it's the barbershop style,
and for harmony, i'll
guarantee that you'll love all four parts.
"
"when you tour madagascar, please try
this arboreal lemur to spy.
though the light it absorbs
through its oversized orbs,
it's called aye-aye because of its cry!
"
"part four in a song makes it strong;
with the bass all the rest get along.
like a ""ding"" without ""dong,""
or a ""ping"" without ""pong,""
to omit the deep voice is all wrong.
"
"my tween pulled a coup late last year
when i saw a bandeau near her ear.
""great hair band,"" i said.
""it will soon leave my head,""
said she, ""to become my brassiere.""
"
"an assassin was sent to stonehenge
to give justice (or dole out revenge).
as he fingered the trigger,
came a voice that got bigger:
""it is my role?not yours?to avenge.""
"
"amblypoda showed up, and i blinked;
my surprise was profound and distinct.
with those short, stumpy feet
the sight sure was a treat,
for both mammal and term are extinct.
"
"if with heartburn you find yourself stressed,
then your agita must be addressed.
the burping, the burning,
the acid a-churning?
it's really a pain in the chest.
"
"upon meeting a late debauchee,
old st. peter accosts him with glee.
for his fun with the ladies,
pete sends him to hades:
for sin has a cost, don't you see?
"
"""the globe is a much safer place
when the us and europe embrace,""
the atlanticists cry.
but the pacifists sigh,
""all this arms talk is just a disgrace.""
"
"definining accel. isn't hard,
so there's no need to be on your guard:
it's a musical sign
meaning ""speed up the time""?
just the opposite of a ritard.
"
"in the movie the sailor was chipper
as he stood on the deck of the clipper.
	he faced hard alee
	when it came time to pee,
then anachronously zipped up his zipper.
"
"my nutritionist said, ""for the diet,
some vinegar's great!  you should try it!""
if he'd only replaced
the stuff's acidy taste,
then i might have been able to buy it.
"
"the term antiphon i shall explain:
in chant, it's an opening strain
sung before any psalm,
and then after (stay calm!),
sung again to create a refrain.
"
"as a man about town i am cursed;
my pickup lines all sound rehearsed.
""do you come here a lot?""
is the best that i've got,
""let's accorporate, baby!"" the worst.
"
"whenever we're going out hunting,
my buddy starts wheezing and grunting.
he's asthmatic, i know,
but we can't bag a crow;
all the game finds that racket affronting.
"
"i suffered unquenchable thirst
after dining on schnitzel and wurst.
i drank lager and ale
(both the dark and the pale),
and alas, my poor bladder's aburst.
"
"said the preacher, a saintly old elf,
""put the matches back up on the shelf:
i say self-immolation
is no consolation?
you'll just make an ash of yourself.""
"
"a hero, in life or mythology,
will wisely employ some psychology:
when a woman's irate,
he'll forego all debate
and will prudently make an apology.
"
"when something's too long for the eye,
you can make it quite brief if you try.
3.1415. . .
will survive (indeed thrive)
if abridgedly written as ?.
"
"to abnegate means ""give it up"":
drink water (not wine) from your cup,
take cold (not hot) showers,
sleep less than eight hours,
and eat only broth when you sup.
"
"since my diet's become vegetarian,
i find pleasure in pastimes agrarian.
i grow my own food,
for it strikes me as rude
to be constantly dining on carrion.
"
"for these limericks we'll make no apology;
let's collect them to make an anthology!
each anapest phrase
will delight and amaze!
(set to music, they'll add to hymnology.)
"
"attitude really means ""pose.""
for example, stand up on your toes
with your arms far outstretched
(it can look quite farfetched),
just like mercury bringing a rose.
"
"the coppers a crime scene surveyed
where some salt and a knife were displayed.
""whoever's at fault,
has committed assault
with a weapon that's deadly!"" they bayed.
"
"alsace and its buddy, lorraine,
exchange sides with the stroke of a pen:
every time there's a war,
they get traded once more,
and it's happened since i don't know when.
"
"if a miner puts posts with his name
on a vein that he hopes will bring fame,
and then drives a pole down
through the ground for renown,
would we say that he's staking acclaim?
"
"my limerick muse is all spent.
she has left, and who knows where she went?
amuse?  i cannot,
for my rhyming is shot.
i shall have to invent a lament.
"
"if making a choice is a strain,
or detachment you wish to maintain,
when it's time for your say,
don't say ""yea,"" don't say ""nay,""
don't explain, just refrain and abstain.
"
"this morning alcoa's top men
were inspecting the factory, when
one got caught in the plater,
and five minutes later
cried, ""curses, i'm foiled once again!""
"
"a tester, when plunged into batter,
can tell if it's done or will splatter.
but when witness you need
to the truth of a screed,
an attester can settle the matter.
"
"akrabbim's the name of a pass
where the scorpions sting and harass.
the place is infested
with insects detested,
like phoenix?my home's there, alas.
"
"whenever our muscles we flex,
from the ones in our toes to our necks,
adductors we're using?
it's not so confusing.
(deductors we use to write checks.)
"
"the antistrophe, bellowed before us,
resounds in response to a chorus.
	if you're really a geek,
	you'll know that it's greek?
such pedantry's likely to bore us.
"
"my anesthetist, collin d. plumber,
is a klutz, and he couldn't be dumber.
my eyes hadn't shut
when they started to cut?
dr. plumber said, ""sorry, wrong number.""
"
"i've got this condition demonic,
my damn diabetes is chronic.
my blood sugar's high,
there's a pain in my thigh,
and my urine is quite acetonic.
"
"if your outlaws are hard to arrest,
get this masked man to stay as your guest.
mangy varmints he routs,
""hi-yo silver!"" he shouts,
then abequitates into the west.
"
"a composer of works rather spare
produced scores, but the pages were bare.
though his fans all adored him,
musicians implored him,
""oh please, won't you give us the air?""
"
"since the lady refused your affection,
you're left in a state of abjection.
may i be quite direct?
what else can you expect
with a hobby like garbage collection?
"
"ab origine, god was creating;
he constructed with will unabating.
first he made light and dark,
then put man in a park
(evolutionists find this tale grating).
"
"though its language may sound a bit square,
the authorized version has flair.
every thee, thou, and thy
brings a tear to my eye;
without them, you haven't a prayer.
"
"montezuma's cute daughter i beckon;
she can't understand me, i reckon.
she sits there before me
but seems to ignore me?
i wish i could speak in aztecan!
"
"if a greek or a roman buffet be
where downhearted girls are, then maybe
to ask one to dine
you should ask, ""come recline
(that's accumb) with me, melancholy baby!""
"
"there's a song in which ""words that?my heart meant""
is used as a rhyme for apartment.
please, don't sing it, since
that lame phrase makes me wince.
(it's consigned to my bad verse department.)
"
"he lifted his head at my whistle,
then darted away like a missile.
he was chasing a cat
with his ears laid back flat;
every hair on his neck was abristle.
"
"a thing that's abridged can't be shorter:
think of football games minus a quarter,
or a limerick that shines
with only four lines.
"
"to learn a new language with ease,
audio-lingual approaches will please.
you can learn foreign phrases
for ""what in the blazes?""
and ""where are the w.c.s?""
"
"my soles have a fragrance so sweet?
aromatic, with perfume replete.
just sniff at my toes!
their bouquet's like a rose!
take a whiff!  what you smell's no mean feet.
"
"when johann sebastian, herr bach,
went to scotland, he gruffly said, ""ach!""
his bold interjection
expressed disaffection:
""that fetid miasma's a loch?""
"
"will my thespian dream come about?
i don't know; i'm beginning to doubt.
tell me, what now will cause it
to burst from the closet?
i guess i should just act it out.
"
"""come sample my soup,"" the man sighed.
""why this time?"" the waiter replied.
""you have it at noon
every day.  where's the spoon?""
""aha!"" the man gleefully cried.
"
"when guys play at football for keeps,
they tackle and make flying leaps.
at the end of each down,
they are tumbled aroun'
all acervative (piled up in heaps).
"
"of acted-out wishes, beware,
or you might find yourself in times square
in the cold and the damp
wearing only a lamp-
shade, and otherwise utterly bare.
"
"accumbrous means something's oppressive,
like debt that becomes too excessive,
or the heat in brunei
on the fourth of july,
or a mother who's way too possessive.
"
"while two men were out walking abreast,
they debated whose torso looked best.
said arnold, ""it's mine!""
leading tarzan to whine,
""no, it's mine!"" and start thumping his chest.
"
"apologetics:  a kind of defense
of religion with logic and sense.
it's a branch of theology
and not an apology:
the subject's intense and immense.
"
"at the church, standing under the spire,
is a gaggle of folks called the choir.
the anthems they croon
are not often in tune,
and i hope they don't sing any higher.
"
"the limerick's adaptedness, you're
now calling in question, i'm sure.
can it give a rendition
of each definition?
stick around and you'll see its allure.
"
"this tree is adapted?it's suited
to this spot and should not be uprooted.
the water and light
are both perfectly right;
somewhere else could be bad, i've concluded.
"
"from the ranks of the woodwinds i plucked her.
""i shall be,"" i declared, ""your instructor.
wave the stick all around?
arsis (up!), thesis (down!).
keep this up; you'll become a conductor!""
"
"""about-turn!"" was the major's command,
but it didn't work out as he'd planned.
some went this way, some that,
while still others fell flat:
""about-face"" is what yanks understand.
"
"after supper, i crashed in the hammock,
and plates became aerodynamic.
my wife threw the dishes
(her aim's really vicious!);
our household is now aceramic.
"
"i never did learn how to add;
at subtracting i'm equally bad.
my dividing's a muddle,
but still i can cuddle.
and multiply?  yes! (just a tad.)
"
"antiquarians like stuff that's old,
thick with dust, and all musty with mold.
it's my wife's new career,
so it fills me with fear
when she says i'm a sight to behold.
"
"the moment i spoke, you would guess
i was born at a brooklyn address,
for i cannot avoid
saying ""toity"" and ""toid.""
oy! my accent is causing me stress.
"
"lest your scheme doesn't go as you've planned,
i suggest you keep something on hand:
an aftergame. then
you can try it again?
like the ""do-over"" children demand.
"
"an avatar means, to a hindu,
when vishnu became this guy vindoo.
but now it can mean
the cool pic on your screen
that ids you in some online windoo.
"
"the basset horn:  low clarinet.
the basset hound:  kept as a pet.
don't get them confused,
for you'd seem quite bemused
if you brought clarinets to the vet.
"
"the bar that the barline marks out
is a musical measure, you lout!
it will keep notes together
like birds of a feather?
it isn't a place to buy stout!
"
"my lagoon is a musical place
where a swingin' sardine sets the pace.
hear the lyrical loon
play a rippin' harpoon,
while the scaly old bass sings the bass.
"
"he's a fellow who sings in the choir,
a bit like a bass, only higher.
the tenor, lord love him,
is right there above him,
but the baritone's softer and shyer.
"
"i'm enjoying the concert, and i'm
just enthralled by the music sublime.
but my reverie's broken
by words whispered or spoken
and maddening cell phones achime.
"
"oh michael, please row me ashore!
set me down on the bank, i implore!
though the river is cold,
i am very warm-souled.
hallelujah! i'll ask you no more!
"
"""i've got it!"" the logophile hollers,
""archtreasurer stumps all the scholars!
it's a word that i doubt
they'll know too much about:
it's a german with fistfuls of thalers!""
"
"remember the fool on the hill?
can it be that he's sitting there still?
if he's up on that crown
with the sun going down,
i suspect that he's feeling achill.
"
"my dear, i meant only to tease you;
i had thought my wry banter would please you.
i agree that your hat
doesn't look like a rat.
now then, what can i do to appease you?
"
"an elderly pair lay in bed.
as they woke, ""do not touch me,"" she said,
""for i'm acheless!  abstain!
nothing hurts, there's no pain,
which most certainly means that i'm dead.""
"
"arborio, a town on the po,
gives its name to the rice that they grow.
its grains are quite short;
they are just the right sort
for the perfect risotto, you know.
"
"since you can't detect sour by smelling,
acetimeters help you by telling
your vinegar's strength.
you'll discover at length
if it's acid enough to be selling.
"
"when you're ninety, it's harder to dance.
this can put quite a crimp in romance.
bones may snap, and their breakage
can cause major achage?
what the hell!  can't we still take the chance?
"
"the word as can mean like, while, or since,
as in, ""as we have run out of mints,
we'll run quick as a bunny
to get us some honey
to sip as we sample some quince.""
"
"i can make some allowance, my dear,
since you're pretty much new around here,
but you don't need a school
to learn one simple rule:
when our running back fumbles, don't cheer.
"
"if you're off to go skiing in maine
from milwaukee, wisconsin, by plane,
aeronautics suggests
you head east, because west's
how you go if you ski coeur d'alene.
"
"in the old days, a thing called acate
was a dainty you put on your plate.
(it is often acates,
so i should say ""your plates."")
eat too many, you're sure to gain weight.
"
"the priest and my aunt had a row;
now all popery she'll disavow.
with a vengeance that's hellical,
she's turned evangelical.
dear aunt's anti-catholic now.
"
"my accusatrix rose in a fury;
she acted as judge and as jury.
though i'd said i was working,
my wife caught me shirking
and sampling the stock at the brewery.
"
"i'm adaptative: see, i can fit
any circumstance, false or legit:
i'm a pretty good liar,
i can dance on a wire,
or leap and then land in a split.
"
"""oh, lovely,"" my readers all sighed,
""it's so beautiful!"" everyone cried.
""for, you see, we have heard
you chose just the right word,
and its appositeness can't be denied!""
"
"the soprano, a high-strung musician,
stepped onto the stage to audition.
it left me appalled:
how she screeched! how she bawled!
i wound up in the fetal position.
"
"my acquisite skill writing rhymes
is amazingly handy at times:
at a friar's club roast,
or when giving a toast,
or on street corners, begging for dimes.
"
"i always use limb to mean leg,
and i always say ovum for egg.
as i stand on the street
with my hat at my feet,
i always beseech, never beg.
"
"here's a boilerplate limerick style:
the rhythm and meter beguile.
the lines at the core
are too droll to ignore,
and a joke at the end makes you smile.
"
"to make borscht, i begin with a beet,
add some vinegar, cabbage?a treat!
serve the soup cold or hot,
add some cream (just a dot)?
to my kitchen they're russian to eat.
"
"i deserve to be called your adored
and addressed with respect as ""milord.""
i possess superhuman
aplomb and acumen,
yet somehow i'm always ignored.
"
"adaunt: ""to subdue"" or ""to quell""
the rage of a lion most fell.
but when beasts flaunt their claws
you should daunt them, because
it's quicker and works just as well.
"
"tell me, what shall we do with abail?
it may mean ""to let out of jail.""
it was used long ago,
and we simply don't know
what it meant, which explains our travail.
"
"my astronomy prof isn't shoddy;
her class isn't boring or ploddy.
i just can't absorb it?
i go into orbit
observing her heavenly body.
"
"aurora was goddess of dawn,
but her acolytes now are all gone.
she announces each day
in a roseate way,
and i answer her back with a yawn.
"
"i'm uncertain that i can detect a
good method to rhyme analecta.
(it's what you have got
if you excerpt a lot,
and of writings you are a collecta.)
"
"the accoupling of things can be tricky,
and your bride can become rather picky.
she'll have seizures and shocks
if you can't match your socks,
or your tie doesn't go with your dickie.
"
"things that scare you and steal all your verve,
that disturb you and throw you a curve,
that shorten your breath,
and that scare you to death?
these accoward you:  rob you of nerve.
"
"abolitionists spoke against slavery,
that especially cruel form of knavery.
they finally won;
now the bondage is done.
let us laud their conspicuous bravery.
"
"the aandblom's a delicate flower
that blooms in the gray twilight's hour.
""painted lady"" we name her,
but not to defame her?
her perfume will ne'er overpower.
"
"as we rode down the road on our tandem,
the cops pulled us over at random.
and what had we got?
why, a few joints of pot!
they're not ours anymore, they're abandum.
"
"we have all heard the phrase acid rain
(it poisons the ponds up in maine).
but the ice and the snow
can be acid, you know;
precipitation's more apt, though less plain.
"
"your estate is palatial and grand;
it has gardens and room to expand.
you have plenty of stuff
(even more than enough);
you are acred:  a man who's got land.
"
"i shall wrap all my fingers in gauze
and sip sodas through seventeen straws.
i'll wear orange with pink
and eat lunch at the sink.
ask me why and i'll say, ""just because.""
"
"her blabbering?vapid, inane?
is beginning to drive me insane.
she has thoughts on the view,
and the food, and the loo.
(it seemed cool to hook up on a plane.)
"
"she spoke with a soft southern drawl,
and her gown was most wondrous of all.
every bright shiny spangle
would jingle and jangle:
she was truly the belle of the ball.
"
"the art critic shuddered, ""my job's
to evaluate paint smeared in gobs.
show me trees, or a face,
or some buds in a vase?
i'm so weary of looking at daubs!""
"
"a bicyclist, widely admired,
had raced till he nearly expired.
he pushed on and on
till his vigor was gone:
like the bike, he was simply too tired.
"
"when museums take in a possession
they politely will speak of ""accession""?
that's getting some stuff
when you've more than enough
(if a country's involved, it's ""aggression"").
"
"my begging i've honed to a t:
there's no beggar who's better than me.
folks write checks and give cash
just to add to my stash,
and last week someone gave a tv!
"
"can you please get those bells to stop jingling,
and the folks in the sleigh to stop mingling?
and i wish to report
that you've cut my tail short;
i can't swish it to stop all the tingling!
"
"her beckoning glance had allured me,
her luscious red lips reassured me.
i succumbed to her charms
and fell into her arms,
but one whiff of her breath quickly cured me.
"
"if you thrive in a vinegar sea,
biologists all will agree
you're acidophile, dude
(you like acid for food:
it does not mean you like lsd).
"
"if i were accounted a poet,
these sly little verses would show it.
i'd rhyme all the time
in a meter sublime?
when you counted the feet, you would know it.
"
"a practical joker, mcgee,
took some vinegar out on a spree.
when he mixed it with soda,
it made an exploder.
(his wit is too acid for me.)
"
"a place by the st. lawrence river
cooks tender, delectable liver.
the server's a flirt,
and she'll bring free dessert
if your apple-pie order you'll give her.
"
"cooking chitlins, i'm cheerful, not doleful;
i love boiling grits by the bowlful.
of ham hocks and stuff
i just can't make enough:
my cuisine is both hearty and soulful.
"
"to get rivals to make their departure,
you don't want a sailor or marcher.
to chase off the foeman
you need a good bowman:
they're slyer (i mean to say, archer).
"
"the life in this bourg is a hassle;
to find things you need to be facile.
we live in the dark; it
keeps hurting our market:
the sunlight is blocked by the castle.
"
"a middle-class lass (a bourgeoise)
disdains to wear corsets and bras.
her bust left untrussed
causes ladies disgust,
but the gentlemen greet her with ahs.
"
"on the slopes, suzy snowflake is grieving:
""this exploit's beyond my achieving!
for how can i go
down a hill in the snow?""
(she's forgetting that skiing's believing.)
"
"the primate who first walked bipedally
perhaps did not do so too steadily.
using two legs, not four,
brought rewards by the score,
and so now we all do it quite readily.
"
"there's a guy raising bivalves who hurls
little pigs where the sea whirls and swirls.
he is hoping to seed
glowing gems with this feed.
(that's called ""casting your swine before pearls."")
"
"the tune is proceeding ecstatically
as it rolls up and down acrobatically.
for scales based on cs
use the white keys with ease,
and they trip right along, achromatically.
"
"achatina, the term i address,
names a snail, of a size to impress.
still, it won't make good time:
while you're reading this rhyme,
it will move half an inch (maybe less).
"
"we're anarchists (rules will appall us),
yet we dress with a smartness that's flawless.
we're tailored discreetly
and matched quite completely:
we needn't be slobs to be lawless.
"
"this wine is a sour monstrosity
and pungent; its tart acetosity
will cause you to pucker.
you'll seek out the succor
of cola, forsaking vinosity.
"
"to achafe is to make someone mad.
for example, girls, bring home to dad
a guy with tattoos
who is reeking of booze:
you'll achafe him by dating this lad.
"
"too much morphine (or any narcotic),
crossing swords with a ruler despotic,
or giving the eye
to some other girl's guy:
all are fatal (that is, abiotic).
"
"abolitionist henry ward beecher
was famed as a fiery preacher.
his sister, you know,
was ms. h. beecher stowe?
together, a stern double-feature!
"
"my adaptiveness, much to be praised,
leaves the people who meet me amazed.
i speak roman in rome,
and alaskan in nome,
and in amsterdam, pure hollandaised.
"
"orwell's one-nine-eight-four takes a peek
at a world too unbearably bleak.
it's no cornucopia;
an anti-utopia
(what was once futuristic's antique).
"
"on an earthworm the mouth end's adoral,
and the tail is the region aboral.
if during a cuddle,
two worms the terms muddle,
is the wooing they're doing immoral?
"
"on my baking my fame should be staked:
all my pastry's exquisitely flaked,
my rum cakes are rummy,
my crumb cakes are crumby,
but my puns, it appears, are half-baked.
"
"an amphigam's not too complex:
has no flowers; no stems it can flex.
it's a plant, it is true,
but there's lots it can't do
(for alas, it lacks organs for sex).
"
"though i'd like to be known for my foxiness,
my figure is chock-full of boxiness.
so, starting today
i will keep far away
from buffets known for bagel-and-loxiness.
"
"ok!  i confess!  i'm a moron:
i can't say a word about boron.
the facts of its ion
are matters i'm shy on
and items i don't have much lore on.
"
"anonymous writings, i find,
put a publishing house in a bind.
though the book can't be sweller?
a likely best-seller?
by whom will the contract be signed?
"
"though they surely don't wish to seem saleable,
their get-ups imply, ""i'm available.""
today's stylish teens
might wear hip-hugging jeans,
but to touch one, i've heard, can be jailable.
"
"aphrodite is more than a cutie,
she's the goddess of love and of beauty.
to praise her from monday
straight through until sunday
i'd find a delight, not a duty.
"
"the annunciate angel did say,
""you shall bear us a savior one day.""
""ah, but how can this be?
for i'm pure, as you see.""
he said, ""where there's a will, there's ave.""
"
"as pirate jack started to slip,
he huffed, and a puff passed his lip.
an abrupt ""holy ship!""
was the aspirate quip
he let rip from his lip on his trip.
"
"my annalist, careful carlotta,
keeps my history free of errata.
my analyst schemes
to interpret my dreams
about wanting to bump off my fodda.
"
"artillery means heavy guns
shooting cannonballs off (tons and tons).
aim bazookas and mortars
at enemy quarters?
when the other side sees 'em, they runs.
"
"a fellow i know in augusta
swept snow from his car with a dusta.
did he get it quite clean?
that remains to be seen
(since he's out on the highways, he musta).
"
"my friend is a psychic, flamboyant,
who goes by the name of clare voyant.
she teases her hair
till it's high in the air?
her coiffure, like her aura, is buoyant.
"
"of these turnips i'd better dispose:
they're afflicted with fingers and toes.
they've got ambury then
(often spelled with an n),
just like warts on a horse, i suppose.
"
"though you're late and you're loaded for bear,
though you've got the right change for the fare,
you can rant, you can hoot,
you can even say, ""shoot!""
but an arquebus won't get you there.
"
"it's ok that my hairpiece is hairlike,
and the stool that i sit on is chairlike.
but it isn't quite fair
that i'm not breathing air,
just some gas that purports to be airlike.
"
"her admonishing glance gave me pause.
her censure was not without cause,
for i danced 'round the flat
wearing pants as a hat
to our dinner guests' mirthful applause.
"
"at my backchat, my friends turn their heads;
with my teasing, hostility spreads.
in dismay, they all flee
from my gay repartee:
i'm the dinner guest everyone dreads.
"
"my baking is better than gold;
my gateaux are too rich to be sold.
my cookies and pies
would bring tears to your eyes,
and my buns are a sight to behold.
"
"our atoll is not very tall;
it weathers the fierce ocean squall.
but as sea levels rise
it will meet its demise,
and we'll soon have no atoll at all.
"
"as an actor, i know that i reek;
my depictions are truly unique.
i'm the cheesiest fellow
in shakespeare's othello;
as iago, i'll be here all week.
"
"i visited egypt with sam,
who is normally meek as a lamb.
when we went to the nile,
sammy cracked a huge smile,
saying, ""damn!  aswan helluva dam!""
"
"a blue-blooded briton, lord seton,
met a red-blooded yank, name of beaton.
""i'm sorry to preach,""
groused the brit, ""but your speech!
and i wish you'd use forks when you're eatin'.""
"
"what a biogeographer does
is determine where living things was.
""how many, and where?""
are his everyday care.
and why does he do this?  becuz.
"
"a collector of rocks and of blocks
sought a means of securing his stocks:
""i have geodes galore,
chunky slabs by the score;
what i need is a boxful of locks.""
"
"i'm about to turn 50.  i dread
growing old; i'll just stay here in bed.
still, i have to confess,
though i feel like a mess,
having birthdays is better than dead.
"
"amboise is the final repose
for leonardo da vinci, and those
who now visit the place
can buy wine by the case
from this town where the river loire flows.
"
"my abdominal muscles are straining:
they're aching, and groaning, complaining.
i suck in my gut
to look svelte, but my butt
still reveals all the weight that i'm gaining.
"
"a bourride is a stew made from fish,
lots of garlic, and egg yolks?delish!
that's what everyone wants
when they dine in provence:
it's a dish that's a gastronome's wish.
"
"are our operatives here?  then perhaps
we could now start reviewing our maps.
but i must be assured
that our bunker's secured
and that all are accounted for, chaps.
"
"i like barbecue; you prefer stew.
for me, only chocolate will do,
while you are a fella
who goes for vanilla:
i see no accordment, do you?
"
"achoke's how we used to say smother,
as you're tempted to do to your brother,
or your sister, or aunt,
or your uncle.  you can't,
'cause the bible says, ""love one another.""
"
"agnation: don't think of your mother,
or your aunt, or your sister or brother.
if you want to advance
to a kingdom in france,
it's your father you heed, and none other.
"
"an amorous woman said, ""golly!
i wonder what's doing with wally?
he oohs and he ahs
for a girl from la paz:
he's so chilly to me, hot to molly!""
"
"my pet amazona's a parrot;
if you want, you can give him a carrot.
he's unlikely to eat it;
he'll peck it and beat it,
yet still be reluctant to share it.
"
"for these sufferers, time's the best cure.
they are moody; their memories are poor.
they are just menopausal?
this one simple cause'll
get wives hot and bothered, for sure.
"
"i'm getting my hair color spruced,
for my love life's in need of a boost.
with ash blonde's pallid shade
i will soon have it made
(i'm brunette, so i'm seldom seduced).
"
"these limericks are carefully drafted;
no rhyme has been cobbled or grafted.
each poem defines
a new word in five lines.
they're amusingly, lovingly crafted.
"
"since boyhood my conduct's been swell,
and i've never been known to rebel.
i've been honest and pure,
but i'm old now (mature),
so it's time to start raising some hell.
"
"mrs. hoyle finds her life is sheer toil;
she's a bitter, unsatisfied goil.
hubby's skills she'll berate:
""he thinks everything's great,
but that's only according to hoyle!""
"
"for loudness, there's none can surpass
all the instruments known as the brass.
tubas, horns, and trombones
play the solemnest tones,
but the trumpets can seem rather crass.
"
"a brazier's where burgers are turned;
a brassiere's with a bosom concerned.
fellows, heed my advice
(and don't even think twice):
keep your hands off of both?you'll get burned.
"
"there's a phrase that has reached a new phase
in the substance of what it portrays,
for today beg the question
conveys the suggestion
of matters you're forced now to raise.
"
"he adulterously took a new bride
(the old one he kept on the side).
making one wife content
is enough for a gent?
pleasing two wouldn't work if you tried.
"
"a self-proclaimed expert on wine
said affectedly, ""yes, it's divine!
puligny montrachet,
from its fruity bouquet.""
(it was ripple we poured, by design.)
"
"combine just a bit of voyeur
with the skills of an entrepreneur,
write the script, coach the actors,
ignore your detractors:
like hitchcock, you'll be an auteur.
"
"in baseball, the sox were the worst;
some other team always came first.
when they traded babe ruth,
they just sank?that's the truth?
all the fans thought the team was accursed.
"
"albinoni's whole work met disaster;
of concertos for oboe, he's master.
his adagio's known?
just that one piece alone.
(his other works went somewhat faster.)
"
"""atonal,"" a. schoenberg averred,
""is a perfectly horrible word.
though i dare, if you please,
to write songs without keys,
writing songs without tones is absurd.""
"
"antiquer's a word rather odd;
you may think it means ""older than god.""
it's a noun:  ""one who seeks
ancient junk and antiques
in such quaint little spots as cape cod.""
"
"my boyishness nearly has faded:
the youth i once proudly paraded
is all in the past;
now i'm aging too fast,
for i can't climb a stairway unaided.
"
"step right up!  take a look, and you'll see a
collection of critters, archaea:
this domain's full of things
(without legs, without wings),
and yet nobody knew they were heah.
"
"botticelli?the name rings a bell?
he's that artist we all know so well.
he showed jesus' birth,
dancing angels on earth,
and his venus surfs in on a shell.
"
"at lectures, i'm known for my snores;
they shake both the ceilings and floors.
i know that i'm crass
when i doze off in class,
but i blame my professors, those bores!
"
"my life you have written, i see,
and i'm thrilled i'm the biographee!
i had been quite concerned,
but at last you have learned
that it's always, my dear, about me.
"
"in the old days, i boogied till dawn;
i danced and i pranced down the lawn.
in my youth i had verve?
lots of oomph in reserve:
the reserve of my verve is all gone.
"
"my boogying's awkward at best,
so if you want to dance, be my guest.
for when i hit the floor,
people head for the door
or at least suggest, ""give it a rest.""
"
"if socialites want to get thinner,
have beauty both outer and inner,
they should buy a good book
that will show how to cook,
and avoid making bookings for dinner.
"
"angelenos are given to boast
of their warm, sunny home on the coast,
but they all will be humbled
when earthquakes have rumbled:
la will be nothing but toast.
"
"the accordion's fine for a polka.
but for livin' a vida that's loca,
i will boldly suggest
the bandoneon's best,
playing tangos seductive as coca.
"
"every good radiologist knows
how the axial plane really goes.
it's a slice front to back,
and so only a quack
says it goes from your head to your toes.
"
"a bravo's  a fancy-pants hit man.
you hope he's a physically fit man
(a mean desperado
who's full of bravado),
unless he's decided you're it, man.
"
"paying taxes? i might have been slack,
so the government's on the attack.
after taking my farm
and a leg and an arm,
now the irs taxes my back!
"
"on laundry, i'm not really teachable:
at a loss for what stuff isn't bleachable.
so i've made a real mess
of your navy blue dress,
'cause i didn't know stains were impeachable.
"
"henry ford met with chrysler one day
and said, ""go and find lou chevrolet.
we can go on a spree!
we can be the big three
(and we won't ask ferrari to play).""
"
"at this cool, sparkling stream take a look,
and remember each cranny and nook.
recollect every rill
as it tumbles downhill,
till you've studied this bourn like a brook.
"
"from the mountain a bourn trickles down
and traverses the trail into town.
though i've got to get o'er it,
i'll simply ignore it:
it's so small, i'm unlikely to drown.
"
"the old german city of bingen
was home to some fancy-ass singin',
as hildegard's chants
left the folks in a trance.
(it's a shame that her tunes ain't more swingin'.)
"
"humanity's long sought a way
to keep world aggression at bay.
well, i've got a notion
that's worth some promotion:
a tax on attacks just might pay.
"
"when the weather is balmy and mild,
your streamlet is gentle, unriled.
but when wind becomes frightening,
with thunder and lightning,
expect for your bourn to be wild.
"
"""the drama that's acted will sting
the conscience of  claudius, king.""
so hamlet believed;
he was sorely aggrieved,
and he made a great mess of the thing.
"
"he seemed to be walking on air,
and for us he defined debonaire.
when with ginger he danced,
we just sat there, entranced.
he was one of a kind:   fred astaire.
"
"with blossoms the meadow's aglow;
flowers' thoughts we may not ever know.
mr. yeats said it sweetly
(though abloom would work neatly):
""for dreams are the flowers ablow.""
"
"a beguiling young lady from kent
drew attention wherever she went.
she had eyes clear and pure,
and a manner demure,
and a nose that was bulbous and bent.
"
"before you can go on your way,
you'll need achesons plenty to pay.
it'll take quite a set
if you're trying to get
from topeka to fair santa fe.
"
"her agreeableness is renowned;
can't remember the last time she frowned.
so how did i spoil it?
left open the toilet.
(the ladies detest that, i've found.)
"
"an accounter's an old-time relater
(you hope that he's not just a prater):
he'll tell you a story,
romantic or gory.
the term we use now is narrator.
"
"a swede was bereft and forlorn,
in the matter of gender quite torn:
""though i'm outwardly male,
let my girl-side prevail,
for i wish i had never been bjorn.""
"
"for a string sound that's graceful and flowing,
get all of the bows to-and-froing:
some up and some down
will make music buffs frown,
so be sure to decide on the bowing.
"
"this kernel is lacking a bit:
the top part is there, and that's it.
the core of the fruit
will not sprout or take root,
for you see, it's a bottomless pit.
"
"my verses are just below par;
they're eccentric, grotesque, and bizarre.
don't review or correct them,
just love and collect them?
accept them, please, just as they are.
"
"from hades' dark, fearsome abyss
beckons avarice who, with her kiss,
seeks to scorch with the fire
of greedy desire
and hinder your journey towards bliss.
"
"an abundary of rhymes will exist
when we're through adding words to our list.
of wry verses, of course,
we're a plentiful source
(because that is abundary's main gist).
"
"my actor friend thessaly's short,
and she isn't a very good sport.
she recited act four
rather close to the floor:
acting up was her final resort.
"
"my pigeon can fly with great speed,
and your message he's sure to abede.
won't complain, not a peep,
and he really works cheap:
for his fee, all you need is some seed.
"
"my mom's had a shady career:
in the twenties, she brewed her own beer
and then, during the war,
ran a small secret store
selling meat as a black marketeer.
"
"mix butter and flour up well,
let them heat and then cook for a spell.
pour in milk (very quick!),
give a stir till it's thick,
and voil?! you have sauce b?chamel!
"
"it's bottled and sealed with a cap,
but this beverage still comes from a tap.
the package is nice
and they charge a stiff price,
yet the water inside tastes like crap.
"
"a limerick that's mythic is sweeter:
aphrodite's divine, hermes fleeter.
i'm thinkin' of hymen
whenever i'm rhymin'
and singin' the praise of demeter.
"
"you do not want this fight to begin;
i suggest it is time to give in.
i will end this debate
with my height and my weight:
i am bigger than you, so i win.
"
"we once used the word adhortation
for attempting to rouse a whole nation
to go out and fight
and to do what is right.
exhortation's the modern formation.
"
"la boh?me was composed by puccini
as he ate a nice plate of linguini.
musetta and mimi
sing arias dreamy
(rodolfo's a bit of a meany).
"
"i feel sorry for leoncavallo;
his chords and his tunes ring out hollow.
his boh?me is unknown
(it's unsung, never shown),
for puccini's a hard act to follow.
"
"my doctor's the best, i proclaim;
examining throats is his game.
he's a whiz at his job,
has a knack with a swab?
and the wizard of ahs is his name.
"
"there's not one english word we'll be leaving,
believing it's worth the achieving.
we're bound to get through it!
don't think we can do it?
a-to-z-ing's (like seeing's) believing.
"
"mr. deere and my aunt ran away
to be married one fine summer's day.
it's the truth! i'm not wrong,
since you all know the song
of how deere and the aunt elope. play!
"
"an acquittal implies we acquit,
though another noun once was legit.
i doubt oj'd have walked
if cochran had squawked,
""vote acquitment: the glove doesn't fit!""
"
"take a look at this wonderful piece!
its value can only increase,
for this art that i'm seein'
is surely aegean?
it's part of the glory of greece.
"
"i'm inviting you all to my bash.
it's my birthday, so let's make a splash.
i am hoping you'll come:
we can drink till we're numb!
and don't bother with gifts, just bring cash.
"
"the divine finds her pleadings untenable;
they're infrequent (alas, now-and-thenable).
if she'd act more suggestible
and a bit less detestable,
to her prayers he'd become more amenable.
"
"the ticking sound fills me with gloom,
and i fear i am facing my doom.
i'll disable this bomb?
(snip this cable?stay calm?)
can i stop it before it goes?
"
"consider the plight of taiwan:
all our prior support is withdrawn;
it's derecognized, shunned
(chiang kai-shek would be stunned).
to please china, taiwan is now gone.
"
"fr?d?ric chopin liked tickling the keys;
he wrote ?tudes by twos and by threes,
and his preludes, disarming,
are graceful and charming.
(george sand found him rather a tease.)
"
"the church takes a kindhearted view
of the christianlike things that i do:
each act proper and fitting,
contrite and submitting.
(not bad.  and just think?i'm a jew!)
"
"defat is what careful cooks do
when they skim off the grease from their stew.
as they're wielding a spoon
on a slow afternoon,
it is also a thing that they chew.
"
"if you want to become kosher stew,
then dividing your hoof's what to do.
you must also chew cud
or you're treyf?a real dud?
and to both jew and muslim taboo.
"
"c. h. spurgeon had sinners to save.
he declared, ""it is useless to rave.
though our ending we're dreading,
it's deathward we're heading:
life's an arrow that points to the grave.""
"
"declinable:  things you turn down,
such as cheddar that's moldy and brown,
or a night on the town
with a guy in a gown
(but not lips, dear, for that's just a frown).
"
"antimilitarism is grand
when your neighbors are peaceful and bland,
but if they're aggressive,
unfriendly, possessive,
you'd best have an army at hand.
"
"i'm trying (""hey, look!"") to convey
information here (""buy!  don't delay!"").
all these outbursts (""a-choo!"")
might (""attention!"") please you;
they're disruptively (""stop!"") in my way.
"
"your acta, or records, you keep
very neatly, and not in a heap.
you put them in files
that go on for miles:
such tidiness doesn't come cheap.
"
"an apiary's where you keep bees;
keep your birds in an aviary, please.
in affairs of the heart,
you can't keep them apart,
so you'd best mind your ps and your vs.
"
"a dyspeptic young floozy named barb
burped belches while doffing her garb.
she'd set hearts aflutter
with her guttural mutter,
""hey johnny boy, pass the bicarb.""
"
"if you're going away (not too far)
it's correct to declare, ""au revoir.""
but if you would sever
relations forever
""adieu"" is the proper patois.
"
"gosh, i hope that i have the capacity
to make up a rhyme on audacity.
?i'll be bold!  i'll be rash!
i'll be done in a flash,
and i'll do it with dash and pugnacity.
"
"the archaeologist's heart was aflutter;
a love affair turned him to butter.
his sole pride and joy
was fair helen of troy:
""how i dig you,"" he often would mutter.
"
"i tot up the legumes with glee;
just ask, i'll account for each pea!
whether red, white, or navy,
this adding is gravy
to the little old bean counter:  me!
"
"balalaikas are something you strum
if russia's the place that you're from.
men in boats on the volga
and beauties named olga
will play them while other folks hum.
"
"a barn owl, learning to hoot,
made a toot that resembled a flute.
""i will look for a loon
who is good on bassoon,
and we'll play cute duets for a coot!""
"
"there's a problem that has me obsessed.
it keeps me awake; i can't rest.
though i think day and night,
i just can't get it right:
before barns, where did barn swallows nest?
"
"in the high middle ages in france,
they used discant to dress up their chants.
while the tenors held strong,
those on top clipped along
sounding much like they'd ants in their pants.
"
"the word bounden's decidedly snooty;
if you use it, you'll sound slightly fruity.
there is only one phrase
where we hear it these days?
it is used as a prelude to duty.
"
"this tropical island ain't bad;
a lean-to of palms is our pad.
we are stranded, alone;
we're ok on our own,
but the anarchy's driving us mad.
"
"a columbiad, back in the day,
was ideal for defending a bay:
it could shoot far and true
(if one's pointed at you,
i suggest you get out of the way).
"
"soaring over the rest of the song
the sopranos sing on, going strong.
here's a bit of advice:
while their descant is nice,
it's too high for you.   don't sing along.
"
"my dissuasion's not working too well:
i keep begging you, ""think for a spell.""
i cajole and i plead,
but you still won't concede,
and you tell me to ""just go to hell.""
"
"i respect the effect you're achieving.
you're cross-eyed:  you have me believing
you're gazing at me,
though you're watching tv.
yes, your looks can be very deceiving.
"
"you've disfurnished me?taken my stuff?
and you've left me with barely enough;
you've the house and the car,
but you're going too far:
i am standing here, dear, in the buff.
"
"i am not really sure what to do:
while the desert air helps to renew
and to fortify me,
i can still plainly see
that the heat disinvigorates you.
"
"there once was a man from nantucket
who kept all of his cash in a bucket.
his daughter, named nan,
ran off with a man,
and as for the bucket, nan absconded with it.
"
"no admirer will boswellize me?
make a record of who came to tea,
account for my dough,
note my every bon mot?
i've done nothing of interest, you see.
"
"these lim'ricks!  for you to imbibe them,
i need a whole gang to transcribe them.
i use by the score
amanuenses galore.
and how do i get them?  i bribe them.
"
"""i'm delighted to thank the academy!
best actress?  i'm thrilled you think that o' me!
i'm truly nonplussed!""
i hope it's not just
an award for my curvy anatomy. . .
"
"though amate is a word rather neat,
it's become, i'm afraid, obsolete.
whether ""mating and pairing,""
or ""daunting and scaring,""
to use it today sounds effete.	
"
"tell a lie? i could not, ma ch?rie.
i'm as honest as honest can be.
so you know this is true:
i've no lovers?just you.
(am i begging the question? not me!)
"
"a fellow once tried to play flute,
but he left all his audience mute.
his performance auletic
was truly pathetic?
the coot couldn't toot worth a hoot.
"
"a blenderized diet's the worst:
you can eat what you want to, but first,
grind it up all the way
to a pasty puree.
(well, at least you won't suffer from thirst.)
"
"here's a word that you'll find rather tough: it
does not always rhyme with ""go stuff it.""
if your food's on a tray,
you pronounce it buffet;
if you're battered about, that's a buffet.
"
"if a piece is burlesque, it makes fun
of theatricals overly done:
like the great milton berle
all dressed up as a girl?
for berlesque, he was second to none.
"
"this fellow's a bit of a lad,
and he loves all the good times he's had.
the children he's fathered?
he couldn't be bothered?
yes, deadbeat's the name of this dad.
"
"on thanksgiving, a man came to beg,
and he looked like a good enough egg,
so some cash for to save him
and a drumstick i gave him?
it cost me some alms and a leg.
"
"some hebrews considered defections
from moses and voiced their objections:
""the red sea's in the way.""
""so divide it, and yea,
then we won't have to stop for directions.""
"
"said the pretty young woman, ""god bless!
but this frock is a bit of a mess!
still, with frippery laden,
i look like a maiden;
i'm a true damoiselle in this dress!""
"
"accepting house:  place where you go
to turn bills of exchange into dough?
not the place i was born,
where they treat me with scorn,
and my confidence tanks at ""hello.""
"
"if all that you want is the gist,
then a digest is hard to resist.
it gets right to the nub,
though there's one tiny rub:
you might mourn the minutiae you've missed.
"
"to the music's conclusion we wend;
every rhythm and chord sets a trend.
we go slow, reverential,
for phrases cadential;
the song is now over.  the end.
"
"believe me, my dear, if your charms
were to fade, all at once, from my arms,
if your waistline grew fat,
and your bosom went flat,
i'd run off and sound forty alarms!
"
"if you wish to become a librarian,
you must first be an abecedarian.
shelve the books  a, b, c...
and not z, f, h, g...
or the patrons will think you're barbarian.
"
"my daughter, it seems, has a flair
for rhyming with great savoir-faire.
she's having a fling
at this limerick thing;
it's becoming a family affair!
"
"old scrooge wasn't just avaricious;
he was miserly, mean, and malicious.
three spirits adjured him;
they seem to have cured him.
the story is nice, but fictitious.
"
"if you live in a state where secession
was used as a means of expression,
you will roundly disclaim
civil war as a name?
it's ""the wo-ar of no'thun aggression.""
"
"borodin took some time to be hep;
he found music a bit of a schlepp.
yet some ditties of his met
approval in kismet.
of asia he sang, steppe by steppe.
"
"in abney's invention we'll revel:
he was truly the cleverest devil.
surveyors employ
william's spirited toy?
his clinometer's keen, on the level.
"
"as lord acton observed so astutely,
too much power corrupts absolutely.
my boss won't be moved,
so the maxim is proved,
and each workday i feel it acutely.
"
"aeneas's buddy, acates,
helped him score lots of points with the ladies.
to his fling with queen dido,
acates said, ""right-o!""
but he skipped his pal's trip down to hades.
"
"according as:  old-fashioned phrase;
plain old ""as"" will do fine nowadays.
but in biblical sayings
and preachings and prayings,
this outdated phrase really pays.
"
"at finney's, the bargains abound,
and his fish is the freshest around.
he will make you a deal:
get some shark, squid, or eel
for just two ninety-seven a pound!
"
"poor momma became somewhat shrewish,
and poppa turned pale and then bluish.
they wept and they wailed:
the bar mitzvahing failed,
for the rabbi, it seems, wasn't jewish.
"
"my fat farm has plenty of takers,
from athletes to actors to bakers.
in the fields, they're out stretching
and straining and kvetching:
i've got acres and acres of achers.
"
"oh, daisy, my daisy, do tell:
are you ready to pedal, my belle?
though our bicycling tour
won't be stylish (for sure),
the wedding guests won't mind the smell.
"
"an abridgeable work should be mended.
it's too long, and you wish it were ended?
like a three-hour quiz,
or act one of les miz,
or a limerick that ends with two anapests more than intended.
"
"both the ladies who run the boutique
have the fashion and class that you seek.
it was not always so,
for the first lacked a glow
till the second one turned t'other chic.
"
"the girls who wear tight dungarees
nibble food that's unlikely to please:
curd cheese topping a salad,
all lumpy and pallid
(we now call that stuff cottage cheese).
"
"anticonservation's the lifestyle for me!
i have no use for hugging a tree!
i will walk on the grass
and use gallons of gas
as i cruise in my huge suv.
"
"a dirt dauber, wasp from the south,
makes its nest out of mud?shut ma mouth!
it's a mud wasp out west
(i like mud dauber best).
tell me:  how does it build in a drouth?
"
"there's a very posh shop on our street;
with the best cuts of beef it's replete.
there, the butcher's an artist,
his clients the smartest:
the elite get their meat here to eat.
"
"said a monk, ""though the solids win praise,
it's the liquids that truly amaze.
i'm completely impressed,
for this curd cheese is blessed.
god works in mysterious wheys.""
"
"when the fiddles begin to rehearse,
all their pitches can sound quite diverse.
tune them up right away
to a four-forty a
(don't distune them; it just makes it worse).
"
"to discant's to sing something fleetly
while tenors chant on rather sweetly.
it caused an upheaval
in songs medieval,
but now it has died out completely.
"
"at church-ales, they served lots of liquor?
it made sin to salvation much quicker.
if you had a real lapse
in the nave or the apse,
you could then be absolved by the vicar.
"
"abiology:  study of things
not alive.  they don't walk or flap wings,
don't perspire, don't eat,
don't respire, excrete,
or do anything else that life brings.
"
"the sun king was frequently fond
of a nice little meal with a blonde.
he would act all domestic
to music majestic
composed by michel delalande.

and on sundays, when time came to pray,
grand motets had a certain cachet
both festive and weighty.
(delalande composed eighty?
we don't often hear them today.)
"
"the abscission zone (base of a leaf)
has a purpose essential but brief:
when the leaf is quite dead,
this will let it be shed.
(does the loss of a leaf cause trees grief?)
"
"she is elegant, quite distingu?,
and her bearing has regal cachet;
she is so far above me,
i doubt she could love me
or give me the time of the day.
"
"disfluency ?er, um (don't laugh),
and furthermore (making a gaffe)?
ah, stammer and mutter,
hm, stumble and stutter?
(oh, crikey!  just go ask my staff.)
"
"honey, what happened next?  let me guess!
but first, where did you get that cute dress?
this souffl? is divine?
sweetie, pass me some wine?
now, where was i, my dear?  (i digress.)
"
"a disseisor will make a real mess:
he will leave you with nothing (or less),
take your lands and estate
without care or debate?
gee, it sounds like today's irs!
"
"avignon is a town in provence
where the pope made his home (for the nonce).
it's got three charming palaces,
museums with chalices,
and boasts the most famous of ponts!
"
"if in persia your pearls you had weighed,
an abas was the unit of trade
(carat minus an eighth).
you just took it on faith
that the scale had been honestly made.
"
"my doubts are beginning to mount,
though your earnestness flows like a fount.
no, i'm not really sold
on the story you've told,
so i think i'll discount your account.
"
"a cautious space pilot named lloyd
saw something that left him annoyed.
""i have to steer clear?
it's a black hole, i fear?
and that void is a void to avoid!""
"
"a skater named k. yamaguchi
was looking for hot hoochie coochie.
but it turned out her man
had just come from iran,
and kristi can't speak in baluchi.
"
"some fish rustlers rode in one day
for agonidae theft, people say.
they did lots of harm
to the fish on that farm
when the poachers poached poachers that way.
"
"when he first underwent basic training
the private would keep on complaining:
""the sarge is so mean,
he just hates my routine,
'cause my if-then-else logic's constraining.""
"
"my father's dear sister, i'll note,
'bout her nephews and nieces will gloat.
it makes me feel ill
when she gushes such swill.
there's no antidote for ""auntie dote"".
"
"said a plant who was burned by her ex
(he's a real swinging vine, name of tex),
""i think i should try
an amphigamous guy
since he'd lack any organs of sex.""
"
"my kite soared up into the sky,
then it snapped, as the cord went awry.
as it danced with a bird,
i thought, like a nerd,
altivolant means ""flying high.""
"
"the mastercard bill he was dreading.
his bride spent a fortune on bedding.
""i can't make ends meet?
not with this balance sheet!""
satin sheets left no funds for the wedding.
"
"his ugly brown lawn he just hated.
the neighbors made comments, which grated.
the landscaper said,
""well, no wonder it's dead!
don't you know that it must be aerated?""
"
"the new ordained cleric's desire:
to christen a lad from the choir.
alas, the priest tripped,
and a candlestick tipped,
producing a baptism of fire.
"
"""uprightness should not be adored;
aretaics has proved it"", he roared.
""so listen here, chappie,
it won't make you happy,
for virtue will bring no reward.""
"
"i have araneidan fears;
even spiderwebs leave me in tears.
those eight legged bugs
make me long to take drugs?
or at least drink a couple of beers.
"
"'stead of fishing, i'm sitting here waiting.
this weather is so damn deflating:
it's been pouring all day,
and i'm sorry to say,
neither rain nor my rod is abating.
"
"anthropogeography shows
that when a society grows
it is shaped by ecology,
terrain, and geology.
now we bulldoze or reroute the flows.
"
"""i don't have a beard,"" said the guy
(the hair on his chin reached his thigh).
the answer he gave
gave the truth a close shave.
his barefacedness none could deny.
"
"near inverness, walking at night
in my overcoat, feeling all right,
i was robbed by a clan,
lost my dark balmacaan.
that this pack jacked my black mac's my plight.
"
"my daughter, who's four, loves ballet.
in the shower, she tries to pli?.
""don't jet? or chass?!""
(balletomania? vrai!)
""now dry off your tutu, okay?""
"
"comedian bob couldn't cope
at the rock show; he whined, ""what a dope.
why's that strutting young fool
got a hole-making tool?""
""'cause the dude has a band and awl, hope.""
"
"in pittsburgh, where noll was so brainy,
there's a river that's named allegheny
which joins the monon-
gahela to spawn
the ohio, which floods when it's rainy.
"
"a clever young girl named althea,
though hungry while in the crimea,
knew some fruit (white or red)
that would soon make her dead:
the baneberry, genus actaea.
"
"a composer from france, marc-antoine
charpentier was a guy who would spawn
snappy ditties baroque.
few today know this bloke,
for his fame disappeared when he'd gone.
"
"i saw dishable?thought of a table
laid with hamburgers, fries, and black label
(all things you can serve),
but it threw me a curve:
it's an old-fashioned form of disable.
"
"we erected some quick barricadoes
with some casks and some sacks of potatoes.
then we launched an attack,
but they pelted us back
with a salvo of rotten tomatoes.
"
"if on fashion your business depends,
have a coolhunter seeking the trends.
just make sure he's aware;
if the dude is a square,
he's more likely to spot the trends' ends.
"
"my attention is easy to sway;
i'm divertible?thoughts go astray.
i would come to the crux,
but my memory sucks
(i forgot what i started to say).
"
"a car i once owned barely went:
all its fenders were rusted and bent.
it was battered and worn
and so dinged and forlorn
that we lovingly called it the dent.
"
"claiming land that i think i am due
might be really repugnant to you
if you think that you own it,
have tended and mown it.
(disseising is all point of view.)
"
"you expect me to stop that with this?
can't you see it's a tank, captain chris?
i'd disable it fast
with a howitzer blast,
but a pistol? i might as well miss!
"
"those ableists scorn and disdain
the disabled:  they're on a campaign
to remove ramps and bars,
special spaces for cars:
if they're able, they'll raze every cane.
"
"the family of sharks alopiidae
swim alone and stay out of society.
they've a tail like a thresher
and are known to put pressure
on tuna and cause them anxiety.
"
"""we are going to marry,"" said hugh,
""there is no way jack's marrying you.
he's a bounder, a lout.
i've deposed him, no doubt?
a without-any-mercy beau coup!""
"
"a goddess, half-woman, half-cat,
made a mat out of bast for her flat.
she chose fiber from wood
that was better than good.
'twas the best bast bast bought for her mat.
"
"""if limericks were outlawed,"" he said
(as bad poetry went to his head),
""antimetathesis shows
how this saying now goes:
'then outlaws write limericks instead.'""
"
"so ya think i don't sound high falutin'?
don't use fancy words? yer darn tootin'!
now, ya might like to be
darned altisonant. me?
speakin' plain is my game, sure as shootin'.
"
"there's a bird: not as large as a dove,
pointed wings, mostly blue up above.
hirundo's the genus;
with beauty like venus,
the barn swallow (forked-tailed) i love.
"
"each weekend i'd sweat and i'd drudge;
i built a great trellis, i judge.
but my wife hated grapes,
so we got into scrapes?
she whined that i'd 'arbored a grudge.
"
"there are folks who use words that are rare,
which their readers don't know. do they care?
such behavior's absurd?
using words no one's heard?
it's an alogy. (what's with the glare?)
"
"""i shall go,"" said the man from siberia,
""on a pedestal search in assyria.
check the pediment face?
angles apex and base?
that is where we will find acroteria.""
"
"as i watched my tv with a yawn
an allegra commercial came on.
i'll believe what they say
(""takes rhinitis away!""),
but i'd rather their ads were withdrawn.
"
"bathysophical pro jacques cousteau
to the depths of the ocean would go;
thought that he'd like to be
swimming under the sea
in some octopod's garden below.
"
"the minister often desired
to arrange choral hymns he admired.
but the singers, though nice,
came at too high a price;
for a song, they could not be acquired.
"
"if the major league record you're chasing
is ""steals,"" a tough battle you're facing.
for this baserunning feat
you must be very fleet.
getting caught, though, is very debasing.
"
"alas, douglas adams has died.
""don't panic,"" his readers all cried,
for in st. peter's line,
he'll be asked, ""six times nine?""
and the answer is found in the guide.
"
"in the last book of les miserables,
the angry republican mob
built a huge barricade,
thus the guardsmen were stayed,
for obstructing the streets was its job.
"
"two boys ventured forth; one would play,
while the other worked hard all the day.
one slept in the ditches;
one advanced rags to riches,
as horatio alger would say.
"
"the nap-hating toddler distressed
the policeman who thought her a pest.
the bailiff explained
as he had her arraigned,
""she's been charged with resisting arrest.""
"
"my emblem was stolen for spite.
one thief slipped away, taking flight.
they arrested the rest
who had wrested the crest,
and they'll all be in jail for the night.
"
"in agni with something to say,
you would speak in tocharian a
('twas the agnean tongue).
now it's gone and unsung:
no one speaks the old turkestan way.
"
"as the maiden perused her trousseau,
she espied an exquisite bandeau.
""please don't call it a 'bra'"",
she implored her mama.
""i support higher standards, you know"".
"
"a biologist often would slog
through swamps, taking notes on the frog.
she'd record (how astute!)
every tree toad and newt?
an amphibiological log.
"
"two agro-industrial needs
are power and water, not seeds.
they're required for both
fabrication and growth
when you synthesize animal feeds.
"
"for the rustler who's bent on abaction,
the ranch is a mighty attraction.
but he'd better take heed:
if those cattle stampede,
he'll be caught in the wrong kine of action.
"
"an athermanous object is neat;
it transmits zero radiant heat.
but it wouldn't be fun
if one covered the sun,
since the earth would be ice?wholly sheet!
"
"many school kids were sure they would cry,
being called to the chalkboard. (""i'll die!"")
now the boards are all white,
and with markers they write.
can we say, ""bye bye blackboard, bye bye""?
"
"black rhinos eat twigs that are thorny.
they're endangered, and though it seems corny,
we must all do our bit,
force the poachers to quit
making knives and ground horns for the horny.
"
"alopecist: a doc you'd see, bud,
when you've got as much hair as a spud.
well, he may prescribe drugs,
or perhaps proffer plugs,
so you won't look like elmer j. fudd.
"
"a young opera singer named allie
once found a plant off in a valley.
though its odor was grim,
it gave rise to a hymn:
aliaria was the finale.
"
"the baronage once was to fear.
they were rich and were lords of their sphere.
but now the nobility
depart with civility.
three cheers as the peers disappear!
"
"pretty ariel sang, ""tra la la"".
""now go study your math!"" said her pa.
for a rating of g,
no breasts could you see,
so they brushed up on her algebra.
"
"that posse, oh how they harangue us.
the sheriff is fixin' to hang us!
no, we won't live to chow
on a hornless black cow
bred in scotland and known as black angus.
"
"when they district a state, they decide
how the votes of the folks will divide.
if it's done rather fairly,
the lines are based squarely
on where all the voters reside.
"
"dishabille and still reeking of gin,
she raced out to the curb with her bin.
""am i late for the trash?""
the man grinned in a flash:
""not at all, lady.  hop right on in!""
"
"when an army comes barreling through,
their provisions they'll have to renew.
so they just dispurvey
you of yours without pay,
and there isn't too much you can do.
"
"the compositor wasn't awake
and for bicocket set a mistake.
he invented a word
(at least that's what i've heard),
or is abacot simply a fake?
"
"james the second was forced to step down
(he was quietly run out of town),
and the settlement act
then disabled, in fact,
any catholic from gaining the crown.
"
"my enemies quake, for they fear me,
but the people adore and revere me.
just in case they forget,
my defenses are set:
my home's abatised; none can get near me.
"
"my companion from prague was a wreck,
for that dinner in baghdad was dreck.
so i paid some dinar,
but i didn't get far?
i neglected to pick up the czech.
"
"they are found on a shrub, not a vine,
and they're used in preserves, but not wine.
in a pie, they're a feast,
and they grow well down east,
where each beach bum thinks beach plums are fine.
"
"every year on the first day of school,
i felt just like a bozo?a fool.
never up on the styles,
i would always draw smiles
for my feeble attempts to look cool.
"
"when you descant, you make up a tune
to embellish the tune others croon.
folks will listen, impressed,
as you soar o'er the rest;
just be sure you don't finish too soon.
"
"at oxford lives oliver attles.
""here i pay room and board,"" the boy prattles.
but the lad got the chills
when he grabbed the wrong bills.
be careful when choosing your battels.
"
"something basilar lies at the base
of a skull, or a structure, or vase.
like the canes of a rose,
or your toes, i suppose,
or the great sherlock holmes on the case.
"
"it was windy on sunday in gloucester;
it blew from the south (thus, an auster).
then a doofus named claude
claimed, ""i'm notus, a god!""
but the blowhard was just an imposter.
"
"as a surgeon, your chosen vocation
means scalpel, incision, ligation.
with each aciurgy,
consult with the clergy,
and pray for your patient's salvation.
"
"a cliff formed the walls of the keep
at the battle of tolkien's helms deep.
arcifinious walls
kept the orcs from the halls?
though the ents and the trees helped a heap.
"
"you have heard of disloyal macbeth
and the man he had put to his death.
to the victory roast
came a banqueter ghost.
it was banquo who'd drawn his last breath.
"
"""have i got a deal for you, john,""
said the barfly from east kazakhstan.
""i can sell you a dune
like a crescent-shaped moon.""
don't be duped by this shady barchan.
"
"""shoot me now!"" hollered daffy to fudd;
then he thought, ""pronoun trouble, oh crud.""
elmer shot him at will;
with a bang, daffy's bill
animatedly fell in the mud.
"
"on the element list, 85,
alabamine's name didn't survive.
so, at, not ab,
stands for astatine?see?
the mobile ab took a drive.
"
"when speaking of something that's strange
or deviant, outside the range,
use anomaly, or,
if the norm you abhor,
anomalism's nice for a change.
"
"queen vickie, imperial leader:
hemophilia spread from that breeder.
her genes bore mutations
for unplanned donations
from many a blue-blooded bleeder.
"
"the ball team fears trouble ahead:
should their bus have a blowout, they're dead.
if the owner acquires
new bias-ply tires,
the angels need not fear the tread.
"
"""biorhythms reflect the rapport
among mind, body, spirit and more!
we are ruled by their waves
from our cradles to graves,""
raved the parapsychologist bore.
"
"two mothers, two sons; virtue, zero.
agrippina the younger bore nero.
agrippina the elder
(tiberius held her)
bore caligula?nobody's hero.
"
"agalmatolite: soft compact stone,
as pagodite it also is known.
it is carved by chinese
into figures that please,
and called bildstein by those in cologne.
"
"when worms on your vines get you pissed,
spray the critters with ampelite mist.
pliny touted its worth,
this bituminous earth,
so blame him if those crawlers persist.
"
"""walt, talk, or start packing for asia.
you owe millions in tax for fantasia!
would you care to explain?""
this request was in vain?
walt was stricken with ataxaphasia.
"
"a priest in a lupin-filled vale
has asthma. it's wise to inhale
a bronchodilator,
like alupent, pater,
which brings you relief without fail.
"
"for equations too daunting to wrestle,
use functions referred to as bessel.
their form, transcendental,
has proved fundamental
for waves in a circular vessel.
"
"""are you sure that this pipe's araphostic?
'cause its contents are gonna be caustic.""
""it's seamless, you bet!""
acid arced in a jet.
i would pray, but, my god, i'm agnostic.
"
"the show knight rider featured a car
that's intelligent (more than the star).
once inert, now alive
(and man, can it drive!).
autogenesis took them quite far.
"
"on maple street, monsters are due.
not me, but perhaps?is it you?
witch-hunting begins,
accusations of sins,
while the aliens (spacemen) review.
"
"when my boss has insulted my mom,
and i need to respond with aplomb,
i disdain to use nasty-isms,
favoring asteisms:
polite ways of dropping a bomb.
"
"a believer in archebiosis
(who suffered from rank halitosis)
thought life could arise
from the mud, i surmise?
a not very likely prognosis.
"
"take a rope or a rod that you yank
for your servants to come (very swank).
if it goes round a bend
then you'll need to depend
on this l-shaped device, the bell crank.
"
"the tension was thick as pea soup.
the fans held their breath as a group.
""if he hits a home run,
then the series is won!""
here's the pitch, and he swings and...a bloop!
"
"pierre told his son, ""it will pay,
to ship off my nouveau beaujolais.
from the lemming-like yanks
we will get many francs
for young wine of fermented gamay.""
"
"""davy, put down your fork and let's go;
i can see santa anna, our foe!""
they all died in defeat
with no after-meal treat,
so remember the (pie) alamo.
"
"i attempted to act nonchalant
on visits from agnes, my aunt.
but her hair was so puffy,
i got a bit huffy,
and taunted, ""don't flaunt your bouffant!""
"
"little twelve-month-old johnny was pleased
with the food that he flung when he sneezed.
oh, he knew he was cute
throwing veggies and fruit,
and he knew that his mom was appeased!
"
"how my wife loves her pot of black tea,
like a cup of a nice b.o.p.
she finds that darjeeling
is very appealing,
and to keemun she'll always agree.
"
"a steer on a night on the town
snorted, ""doorman, you can't turn me down!
now don't make me laugh;
i'm not just a calf.
i'm highly admittable, clown!""
"
"have some water to lift, what to do?
i would augur an auger for you.
slide it into a tube
and then turn it, you boob!
archimedes sure knew how to screw.
"
"the penalty set, called amercement,
could be lessened before its disbursement.
an affeeror, if willing,
will cut down the billing.
(if corrupt, be afeared of coercement.)
"
"the balkans refers to some nations
(example: the one for croatians);
division and strife
are a part of their life?
as are frequent renationalizations.
"
"ann (a pest), is poetic and sweet.
when you meet her, she may stamp her feet.
but a day full of stress
follows two with much less.
what she loves about lim'ricks? the beat.
"
"from a diva considered elite
to performers who sing in the street,
ariose means melodic,
though?waxing rhapsodic?
by any name, still sounds as sweet.
"
"if your laundry soap's giving you troubles,
or the head on your beer often doubles,
agents called antifoaming
send your cares all a-roaming,
along with don ho's ""tiny bubbles"".
"
"afford: an american car.
affair: an old country bazaar.
affirm: lawyers' lair.
affix: a repair.
affliction: what all these puns are.
"
"as we walked on the shoreline of fundy,
she asked me: ""where were you last monday?""
""don't you trust me, my dear?
i was standing right here.""
but she wanted some proof aliunde.
"
"yes, the death omen grimly predicts it:
his age at his death ? thirty-six. it
is tragic and sad,
but it isn't all bad:
few can say, in advance, annos vixit.
"
"my outburst was rather spontaneous:
""your eyes, they are so avellaneous!""
on instant appraisal,
i knew i'd love hazel;
alas, she thought i was extraneous.
"
"some who write about martin l. king
seem obsessive: ""oooh, he had a fling!""
biographers?  hacks
launching senseless attacks!
""i've a dream"" to them means not a thing.
"
"black monday could mean one of three
awful days that were tragic, you see.
soldiers died from the snow;
many stocks ended low;
the day after a holiday's spree.
"
"massive max was a coach and a teacher,
and a rather intemperate creature.
when a scamp passing by
tried to clorox his tie,
the coach took a seat on the bleacher.
"
"if sledgehammered fruit is your thing,
well, you must see the man who is king.
got a chance to see gallagher?
be eager and aleger!
(get goggles! he's starting to swing!)
"
"the lorax protested, loquacious,
to the once-ler, whose greed was audacious.
but the truffula trees
were all chopped with such ease
that no more was the land arboraceous.
"
"the wives of the barons one day
commanded the woodwinds to play.
the whole baronetage
enjoyed clarinet, edg-
ing out the french horn (tr?s pass?).
"
"polynomials? i'm a fanatic
for a nice fourth-degree biquadratic.
a quartic equation
can be, on occasion,
resolved with techniques mathematic.
"
"the marine was a private named kemper.
he complained, ""what is with this word, semper!?""
the sergeant said, ""otto,
lay off of our motto,
attempt to attemper your temper.""
"
"""what's that sound?"" asked my just-woken mate.
""i can hear an old dog, and it's late!""
while we now say he barks,
making doggie remarks,
it used to be called allatrate.
"
"said a wide-smiling guy named mcglynn:
""there ain't nothin' as good as a twin.""
every day he would stride
with a dame on each side
while sporting a very broad grin.
"
"soon my brainy boy brian turns ten,
will his limericks be flawless by then?
there is simply no telling,
but knowing his spelling?
he'd better not write them in pen.
"
"acoustic impedance, called ""z"",
is the ratio sound pressure ""p""
over ""v"" (that's velocity).
there's still curiosity?
you'll hear no resistance from me.
"
"""there is fire and brimstone in hell,
where you'll burn with a heat you can't quell.""
what is brimstone's appeal?
it's just sulfur?big deal!
when you're burning, who cares 'bout the smell?
"
"although you and your kids often feud,
still, what have you gained when you've stewed?
though it's good you're concerned,
it is time that you've learned
not to brood 'bout your rude brood's crude mood.
"
"never bride, she is always a bridesmaid.
at the wedding, this standing beside's made
her think of that spring
when she turned down his ring;
she must live with the life that her pride's made.
"
"study water-filled, bubbling tubs,
or a spa, where the wealthy get rubs.
take a look at geography
for more balneography:
a city in england (with pubs).
"
"he's a monster, so ugly and tall;
little children he's looking to maul.
the bogeyman's here?
he will fill you with fear!
(but he didn't scare lauren bacall.)
"
"so your favorite alcohol brew
is layered (say, b-52)?
if you're trained in barology,
you'll need no apology,
for the science of weight you construe.
"
"when your vermiform thingie's infected,
better hope it's not long undetected.
it is known as appen-
dicitis; that's when
your appendix must be disconnected.
"
"an old lady once swallowed a bird in,
which led to excess biliverdin.
the green in her bile
was really quite vile,
and the children began how absurd-in'.
"
"form a nice arithmetic progression,
adding d to each a in succession,
then the sum's called a series
(or so say the theories).
the total's a simple expression.
"
"""mister scoutmaster, give me a bed!
even one that folds up,"" jimmy pled.
""make me sleep like a tramp
and i won't go to camp
and that's final,"" the boycotter said.
"
"are your children as hyper as poodles?
feed them bowls full of letter-shaped noodles!
they will never rebel
as they sit for a spell.
good ol' alphabets pasta?buy oodles!
"
"for milk, dear, you've quite an affinity,
and there's methane around your vicinity.
yes, you stand in the mud,
and will chew on your cud,
but bessie, i love your bovinity.
"
"brother cadfael was sent by his abbot
on the case of the man-eating rabbit.
now, he wasn't a drunk,
but they called him black monk,
since they knew benedictine's his habit.
"
"sheherazade's spellbinding tales
are of magic and misfits' travails.
dusk to dawn she recites
the arabian nights;
won't unveil every tale?and prevails.
"
"the astrologer knows how to spin it:
""you need love, but have weakness within."" it
is vague, indirect,
the old barnum effect.
but you know one is born every minute.
"
"alegge's not a word that should frighten:
""to allay, or alleviate; lighten"".
spencer used it, i'm told
in his writings of old
'bout the bold bitter blasts out of brighton.
"
"to make stroganoff, start with some meat.
then dredge it in flour, and heat.
add the mushrooms, cook through;
throw in sour cream too.
then serve over noodles and eat.
"
"""without recognition,"" i fumed,
""my explorers club membership's doomed.""
then i hit on a scheme
for attaining my dream:
dr. livingston's name i assumed.
"
"when some chemicals taint a location
(poison fauna and lush vegetation),
then the levels may rise
through the food chain. it cries,
""biological amplification!""
"
"devaluation may beggar-thy-neighbor
when selling the fruits of your labor.
when your currency's cheaper
rate of exports grows steeper,
though your neighbor may rattle his saber.
"
"in the tissue of folks in brazil
who had recently taken a spill,
bradykinin was found.
polypeptides abound
in this first vasodilator pill.
"
"you may start with some sort of rotation,
then move to a brand new location.
(that is mx+v
to a math ph.d.)
it is truly affine transformation.
"
"let me share this invention i've found!
its novelty's sure to astound.
watch it turn up the soil
without any toil.
it certainly does break new ground.
"
"i am watching mae play with her brother;
do they love or detest one another?
it's a little of each?
she might hit, he might teach?
but they're one against me and their mother.
"
"to hitler the brownshirts were bound.
""opposition, we'll stamp to the ground!""
""only terror breaks terror!""
but r?hm made an error;
long knives brought the storm troopers down.
"
"i don't have a fear of your cleaver:
in my chin defense, i'm a believer.
i asked them to forge it
as part of my gorget
so you can be hard on the bevor.
"
"there are some who choose lives so pathetic,
unaware of the world, anoetic.
though they see, hear and feel,
they've no thoughts that are real,
for tv is their best anesthetic.
"
"as the pianist practiced his thirds,
all the keys chirped and chattered like birds,
thus obscuring the creaks
of some sneaking-up geeks:
seems his actions squeak louder than nerds.
"
"the study that's known as archology
is not about noah's mythology,
but of government's birth,
how it spread 'cross the earth.
so perhaps it's a branch of pathology.
"
"a black widow's a spider that's able
to slaughter her mate (hence the label).
right after they mate,
it's the end of the date.
(hey, at least he puts food on the table.)
"
"when the bloodmobile drives down your lane,
know the needle's prick might cause you pain;
but the gift that you give
will help others to live,
so your sacrifice won't be in vain.
"
"mythological tales of a flood
are so common, they run through our blood.
many feature a spry
archecentric old guy
who landed his boat in the mud.
"
"the overweight farm cat would wait
since a barn swallow's all that he ate.
with a dinner so wee,
he was hungry, you see,
for more swallows to fill up his plate.
"
"the alluminor wasn't a whiner.
he drew pictures for books, none was finer.
even light growing dimmer
didn't stop the old limner?
the original graphic designer.
"
"fell asleep lying nude in the sun?
are you feeling your skin's overdone?
if you'll be a good patient,
i'll apply algefacient.
don't be cross, it will cool your hot bun.
"
"though ailing, the bride didn't falter
as she went to meet walt at the altar.
the alterative she used
was so good that she cruised
down the aisle and applied walter's halter.
"
"silly seuss, so it seems, set the stage;
now i love to read books, every page.
charles dickens, mark twain,
steinbeck, austen (that's jane),
helped to make me a bibliophage.
"
"though archaic, i love the word blatter:
""to prate, or to prattle, or patter.""
it's the sound of the rain
or the endless refrain
of some smattering, nattering chatter.
"
"an acquired advantage is found
when your products' improvements abound.
when your stuff's superior
and theirs is inferior,
you'll sell them all into the ground.
"
"when my daughter was gouged by a stick
i was watching the nurse, feeling sick.
""make it stop!"" was her plea?
how i wished it were me.
then i sang, my voice calming but thick.
"
"this meeting goes on without end,
while i sit here and try to pretend
that i'd not kill to take
just a five-minute break?
a recess or respite's my friend.
"
"""keep writing good lims,"" strolin preached.
""use grammar that's good,"" speedy teached.
take a journey with me
and we'll make it to ""z""
when our anapest destiny's reached.
"
"a cardiovascular doc
makes sure that your ticker can tock.
this surgeon who wrestles
with fast-food-filled vessels
advises you, ""go for a wok.""
"
"professor fritz heider was cheery,
though this sentiment math made him weary.
if he takes p-o-x,
the response he expects
is consistent within balance theory.
"
"the set of those choosing the pope
has a number of members (who hope
that they all will agree
who the pontiff will be):
that's the set's cardinality, dope.
"
"after reading a lim, though it checked,
and the author is one i respect,
i was feeling the need
to compose my own screed,
thus these limericks are cause and effect.
"
"once a man took a fall from his horse
and shattered his leg in the gorse.
so he crawled to his car,
made a splint from a bar:
autotherapy seemed the best course.
"
"huey newton and friend bobby seale
rejected rev. martin's ideal.
""fight for black power, marty!
the black panther party
has points that will make freedom real!""
"
"playing poker 'til way after dark
after laboring hard on the ark,
noah's sons seem to know
when he's anted his dough
he's an antediluvian mark.
"
"an antarctic sea current patroller
with a path towards the horn, circumpolar,
knows it's  called west wind drift,
linked to zephyrs so swift.
""make westing!"" and pray you'll control her!
"
"the clinic director was floored
by the two grateful gifts from the board.
""your section's outstanding,
so plan on expanding ?
accept both our grant and award.""
"
"""we refuse to serve ropes in this spot!""
but a clever young cord hatched a plot.
so he got himself tangled;
his cut end he mangled.
""hey, aren't you that rope?"" ""afraid not!""
"
"the belfry on top of our church,
where the bells that we rang used to perch,
was invaded by bats
who annoyed us and that's
why the belfry's bell free if you search.
"
"now don't blame your sweat, it's not fair;
it's bacteria stinking up there.
undergo electrolysis:
bacteriolysis!
there! doesn't that clear the hair!
"
"it begins right at noon, not before.
count up hours until twenty-four.
astronomical day:
the astronomer's way
to mark time in the space they explore.
"
"once ""a dolt!"" or ""a dunce!"" you could say
of a fool, but not now, not today.
so to id a kind
of subminiature mind,
do you morons think birdbrain's okay?
"
"it is autoregressive, conditional?
distributions, like fractals, traditional.
hetero-skedasticity,
for engle, simplicity,
but bollerslev's garch is additional.
"
"with the price of a gallon of gas,
it is finally coming to pass
that detroit is uneasy.
long trips leave us queasy?
america's carsick en masse.
"
"a catholic lady from dallas
had trudged through the vatican palace.
""yoo-hoo, popie, i'm beat.
could you please heal my feet?""
his response was, remarkably, callous.
"
"i read it in this very paper:
a crime by a scrappy young scraper.
he frolicked, quite tickled,
stealing buds that were pickled:
the capering caper-bud caper.
"
"a woman (one candace by name)
by a peppermint stick came to fame.
for on christmas she took
a straight stick, made a hook.
from her candy cane came her acclaim.
"
"when fishing for sunnies, she squirms
'til her brother and she come to terms.
if he handles the bait,
then on him, she will wait?
thus he opens a whole can of worms.
"
"""my wagon's too dark to look smart!
make it white, i'll review every part.""
""you can stuff your desire!
ms. dubois, i require
carte blanche 'fore i'll blanch blanche's cart.""
"
"poor uhura had shuddered with shock:
""the earth and a comet may knock!""
""the path is quite clear?
it will only pass near,
for appulse means no rock knock,"" said spock.
"
"every miscreant limey who sails,
though the seaman be tougher than nails,
would rather risk slaughter
than the cap'n's cruel daughter:
the lash of the cat-o'-nine-tails.
"
"in the '70s, grave admonitions
regarding those toxic emissions
made the epa say
every car must display
catalytic converter additions.
"
"my biochem prof kept reminding:
""what protein is calcium-binding
and aids the contraction
of muscles in action?
calmodulin's what i am finding.""
"
"i'm collecting a sizeable mass
of vases of carnival glass.
i'd hitchhike to trenton
to pick up a fenton?
this dope glass, you bozo, has class.
"
"bodewash's odd root's understood:
bois de vache (from the french for ""cow's wood"").
dried buffalo dung?
on the fire it's flung.
those buffalo chips sure are good!
"
"a riddle that might have a hitch: it
is punny; it's wiser to ditch it.
a question or hoax
that's confusing to folks
can rightly be called carriwitchet.
"
"by a builder a building is built,
and a quilter will quilt on a quilt.
a writer writes writing,
a lighter lights lighting.
kate'd kill for an off-kilter kilt.
"
"i was born somewhere south of the border;
till adoption, the state was my warder.
of my new mom, i'm fond
and we've forged a tight bond,
thus avoiding attachment disorder.
"
"well, talk of a weird occupation!
apocalyptists report revelation.
they write, but won't yell,
'bout the coming of hell,
since hoarsemen's a bad appellation.
"
"arthur aardvark adored abcs;
builder bob bolted boards bought by bees;
canine clifford chewed clogs;
darling dora digs dogs;
ernie's duckie complains; bert agrees.
"
"a regrettable part of reality:
meeting those with a twisted mentality
who choose to use force
as a matter of course
and ignore the resulting brutality.
"
"i think that the caretaker's faking?
claiming gout makes him quake and he's aching.
if the landlord perceives
that the lout left the leaves,
he would pout without doubt, no mistaking.
"
"""do you have any siblings?"" oh gee,
that's a difficult question for me.
my brother was dave
but no one could save
the man from depression's decree.
"
"king henry the fifth, shakespeare teaches,
made most inspirational speeches.
once he urged princess kate,
who was young and sedate,
""once more, dear friend, into the breeches!""
"
"i've the bod of a model; it's cute.
it's cute, and it's stuffed in my boot.
not my footwear, you punk;
it is stuffed in the trunk
of my car ? ain't late models a hoot?
"
"a brattice (it's used in a mine)
keeps the air flowing through by design.
made of cloth, or of wood;
seldom stays there for good;
for a makeshift shaft stopgap, it's fine.
"
"for a metal (or alloy as well)
use the number defined by brinell
to measure the hardness
(it's force over marredness).
'least that's what i learned at cornell.
"
"i'm a line astro-gazers define:
horizontally placed, by design.
any stars that you see
that you find along me
to the same almucantar align.
"
"a botanist, brown, had a notion
while observing a jittery motion.
he had no way to prove
why the pollen would move;
it's the same for the air or the ocean.
"
"i'm afraid of my mother's reproach;
lost her pin (it's a decorative broach).
i have failed, though i tried,
to confess and confide.
but i can't find a broach broaching coach.
"
"""yo, angel face, lissen t'me.
dem features, dey're soft as can be.
yuh lovely, an' gentle?
hey, no, i'm not mental!
t'hell widja, devil!"" said he.
"
"he was not a zodiacal master?
he couldn't tell pollux from castor.
if there's no truth at all
in the stars, this astrol-
ogaster speaks truth like a pastor.
"
"far above the lake known as cayuga
was an engineer lost in a fugue, a
pathological spell
(not that rare at cornell),
yelling, ""toot! i'm a choo-choo, arooooga!""
"
"a propeller can cause the creation
of bubbles, whose manifestation
appears to be boiling
in water that's roiling.
the process is called cavitation.
"
"amigo, you see this barranca?
it's like in the film casablanca
when the laszlo-caused rift
left the hero (rick) miffed.
now he's drinking ? i'll bet it ain't sanka.
"
"j. caesar set rome as his quest.
""the die has been cast,"" he expressed.
with the rubicon crossed,
other options were tossed?
truly, alea iacta iam est.
"
"the attack occurred tuesday in back
of the shack by the bicycle track.
whack! an accented man
swiped my dark balmacaan.
who jacked my black mac? jacques chirac!
"
"the play the coach drew on the blackboard
was wooden and flat; it left shaq bored.
so o'neal tried to dunk,
but he tripped like a drunk,
and they carried him out on the backboard.
"
"adansonia trees are all fakes.
the monkey-bread nobody bakes.
not just one kind's untrue,
there are actually two?
cream-of-tartar would ruin your cakes.
"
"you're a loser, a failure, a schnook,
and your lady friend gave you the hook?
quit chilling and swilling?
jane's thrilling and willing...
and found in my little black book.
"
"sister clarence said, ""isn't this fun?
i've been given an alehouse to run.""
the world was her oyster;
this gal from the cloister
was tapped as the greatest bar nun.
"
"a robber named samuel strouth
was sent to a prison down south.
his victims he'd pummel
then gag with a hummel,
which left a bad taste in the mouth.
"
"i shout ""bravo!"" and ""encore!"" and ""more!""
(how i wish i'd proclaimed it before.)
i've been longing for days
to award you this praise?
now at last you've discovered the door.
"
"if you think only gals and not men're
most apt to be airheads, well then're
you listening to me?
though he sings a high c,
he's as dim as can be, is the tenor.
"
"with a market that's rising to drive stock,
let's pick that about-to-arrive stock.
buy low and sell high
when a bull market's nigh.
(no, it isn't a place to buy livestock.)
"
"blue cornmeal makes savory chips
that look neat beside salsas and dips.
if your waiter's a guy
who keeps up the supply,
be sure to leave generous tips.
"
"the altos are solid as rock;
they're women of hardiest stock.
they faithfully croon,
but they don't sing the tune
(if they did, they would faint from the shock).
"
"if you're planning to go for a run,
then a bouldery park is no fun.
being covered with stones,
it's a threat to your bones.
and your limbs? you could bruise every one.
"
"the show was quite big in angola,
but despite lots of well-placed payola
and a chorus (undressed),
critics left unimpressed.
in new york they're not talking boffola.
"
"with yapping i greet every night,
and my howling may cause you a fright.
though my fangs are displayed
you should not be afraid,
for my bowwow is worse than my bite.
"
"if you're looking to pick up some shares
rather cheap, and improve your affairs,
a bear market's best
as a time to invest.
(no, it isn't a place to buy bears.)
"
"a britisher likes to use u's
to spell colour (referring to hues)
and gives similar favour
to flavour and savour,
but yanks think these u's just confuuuse.
"
"""antioxidants,"" tetley enthused,
""are the good stuff in food."" i'm confused:
for without oxidation,
life's short in duration.
""antiradical's better,"" i mused.
"
"the tensions had started to soar:
""they got nuclear weapons galore!""
they turned in not one
(since of course they had none)?
""being armless"", an odd act of war.
"
"when your daughter's demeanor's aberrant,
whom to blame?  let me act as declarant.
don't censure the lass
if she acts like an ass.
the answer, i think, is apparent.
"
"found a sponge in a freshwater lake?
then a most careful look you should take.
find a spicule siliceous?
and two wheels? how auspicious.
it's an amphidisc! (careful ? they break.)
"
"aminoglycosides: use them to treat
those infections in throats and on feet.
streptomycin came first,
many drugs were dispersed,
and bacteria (billions) were beat.
"
"sean connery, racing against
the clock, the bomb ticking, just sensed
that he had to act fast
or there'd be a huge blast...
(i'm sorry, this film's been condensed).
"
"if you do an amerciable crime,
don't worry about doing time.
sign your check on the line
when the judge sets the fine;
then you won't share a cell with some slime.
"
"to the old english buyers of cloth
who mistrusted the wool seller's troth,
an alnager's bright seal
meant the ell lengths were real?
but they still looked for holes from a moth.
"
"before you are stricken with aids,
the related cruel complex invades.
when these symptoms appear,
hiv is the fear?
and a life that degrades 'til it fades.
"
"there's a teacher, aged five to the third,
whose expressions became quite absurd.
the problems he stated
were dis-integrated.
and he addled his numbers and slurred.
"
"at a rite where god surely is listening,
with the baptismal water a-glistening,
the babe gets his name;
blessed jesus lays claim
at the sacrament known as a christening.
"
"my caffeine addiction's severe;
can't live without coffee, that's clear.
i explain with a shrug
as i empty my mug:
""the morning comes early round here.""
"
"a landscaper thought it hilarious,
playing jokes using dirt arenarious.
""this is so full of sand
that you've ruined my land!""
cried a client. ""you cad! you're nefarious!""
"
"bright mail to be worn by a knight;
night-long smoking-... have you got a light?
light gold in a weave;
we've named three, i believe;
believe links form a chain if you're bright.
"
"there's a place where the slaughterers flock.
it's a street called the butcher block block.
buy a board at a shop,
so that next time you chop,
bonded wood will absorb the hock shock.
"
"a radical chemist named sonja
took a hydrogen out of ammonia,
to produce nh2.
she saw bonding ensue:
""zis amidogen von't stay alone, ja.""
"
"said a jellicle cat named macavity,
well-known for his crimes and depravity:
""the mean point of matter
for a jewel-case or platter
is known as the center of gravity.""
"
"caernarfon: a seaport in wales
(caer seiont in ancient welsh tales).
once segontium's gate
had commanded the strait,
but now edward's great castle prevails.
"
"as a babe, i was brought by my aunt
to the church, where she told them: ""i want
a ritual sprinkling,
and i have an inkling
you'll need a baptismal stone font.""
"
"on my clock, hear the hourly chime:
west (by six zones) of greenwich, the prime
(and two east of pacific).
i think it's terrific...
the time of my life? central time.
"
"they applied ugly torture devices
without any thought what the price is.
with each question they posed,
the detainee was hosed
as the lawmen performed anacrisis.
"
"for an entree too grand for a poodle,
you'll want the whole kit and caboodle.
what's a thread that is clear,
made with mung bean, my dear?
the answer's a cellophane noodle.
"
"when your graphics are meant to be seen
having colors, authentic and clean,
well, you won't leave 'em squinting
with additive printing?
primarily blue, red and green.
"
"adamawa-ubangi, a group
of languages?here's the straight scoop:
from bua to zande,
sudanese find them handy.
there are one-fifty-nine, quite a troop.
"
"now my thirties have almost been spent
and i wonder just where the years went.
when i ponder their worth
i reflect on the birth
of my children, with naught to repent.
"
"on my porch, huddled down in my chair,
of the world, only barely aware,
i wander the pages;
been sitting for ages.
when i'm reading a book then i'm there.
"
"there once was a beachboy named hootie
whom the girls all considered a cutie.
though his job was to cater
and to serve as a waiter,
when off duty, young hootie chased booty.
"
"""gallic stones in arrangement simplistic,""
revealed johnny, a huge-turbaned mystic.
""may a yak make a mess
on your grandmother's dress!""
""what is carnac?"" asked ed, optimistic.
"
"if you're sad 'cause you feel hemorrhoidy,
think of chromosome problems, like lloyd; he
received a full set
from each parent to get
diagnosis of allotetraploidy.
"
"the warners would run 'round the lot:
young yakko, and wakko and dot.
their behavior was zany,
the dialog brainy.
(they were locked in the tower when caught.)
"
"when an embryo's midbrain is growing,
there's a sharp ventral bend that is bowing.
neonatal neurologists
and big-brained biologists
think a cranial flexure's worth knowing.
"
"when your parapet's got crenelations
(those up-and-down crossbowman stations),
use the crenelle (the break),
while the merlon will make
you safer. (shot immunizations?)
"
"said belle, in the beast's regal keep,
""there's a tome i've been reading, to sleep.
here's a word that i've seen:
what's cutaneous mean?""
""well, my beauty, it's only skin deep.""
"
"frothy cuckoo spit: shrouding secretion?
on leaves you may find an accretion
which forms a safe womb
of spittlebug spume
till the larvae have grown to completion.
"
"with his substandard skills analytical,
in his job through connections political,
this surgeon, inept,
would complain as he prepped,
""all the patients i treat become critical!""
"
"if an object you see is conveyable,
it's movable, take-it-awayable?
can be transported, borne,
from the evening till morn
(after that you'll be sleep-through-the-day-able).
"
"so, i heard that you got a new squeeze
who was ready and willing to please;
and the sex was outrageous,
but, sadly, contagious?
get a shot for your cupid's disease.
"
"definition of cholinomimetic:
it's a substance that could be synthetic.
cholinergic nerves
can free like reserves.
parasympathomimetic? pathetic.
"
"through dollars from daddy's estate
the minister tried to create
new sheep for his flock,
but in europe, a shock?
the conversion rate wasn't so great.
"
"young dot, with your wayward temerity,
i warn you, with utmost sincerity,
step back in the line
we, your parents, define?
get it straight: we want collinearity.
"
"encircled by foes on the heath,
fierce chicken lips threaten beneath.
flapping buffalo wings
try to tug his heart strings!
he escapes by the skin of his teeth.
"
"we're approved by the b & b guide board.
rent a room and we'll also provide board
on this lovely credenza
we found in firenze
(americans call it a sideboard).
"
"take a cross that is simple and plain;
add a crossbar and thereby obtain
a cross patriarchal,
which saint joan of arc'll
have worn as the cross of lorraine.
"
"a delay in a step may be fine
when there's slack in the project's design.
on the critical path,
though, it may incur wrath,
since the lag will be passed down the line.
"
"three minutes can bring satisfaction
just before the main feature's bold action.
when a soon-released movie
is romantic ? that's groovy.
can't wait for the coming attraction.
"
"the parts that are vulgar, omit,
or change them to make them legit.
tom bowdler's vocation,
this bowdlerization,
methinks is a big crock of censorship.
"
"black and white has been sweeping the nation.
no more kodachrome pics from vacation.
with a lovely grey scale,
you simply can't fail.
three cheers for achromatization!
"
"rain fell from the sulphurous sky.
said the boy playing ball, ""my oh my!""
acid splashed on his face,
so he slid into base.
it was alkalized then, that's a lye.
"
"for gluing you need a colletic,
whether naturally found or synthetic.
when your love says, ""we're through!""
agglutinant goo
can't hold her (now don't be pathetic).
"
"luigi, i'm sick of spaghetti!
make pasta like hats ? cappelletti ?
filled with savory mix,
an italian-taste fix.
for dolce? it's apple brown betty.
"
"the salesman was not very bright.
he'd ignore every lefty in sight.
so they asked of him, ""why
will you not let us buy?""
""cuz the customer always is right.""
"
"vinicultural vying took shape.
welch's workers were watching, agape.
there, at last, was a truce
between ""jelly"" and ""juice""?
they had found a concordable grape.
"
"oh, my bride looked divine in her gown:
flowing train, beads and lace, toe to crown.
such a silken delight,
guests would sigh at the sight:
""she's an angel?but who is that clown?""
"
"on my czechoslovakian trek,
met a native (quite long in the neck).
so i traded a snack
for a ride on his back.
you could say that i rode a lank czech.
"
"while explosive growth may be impressive,
be at peace when the increase is crescive.
for growth, incremental,
though gradual, gentle,
can still create gains quite progressive.
"
"when flood waters fan farmers' fears,
or a hurricane horribly veers,
or the nation's at war,
then we turn to the corps?
not nerdy, but bold engineers.
"
"do you want to invest in blind pools
where the company makes all the rules
and there's no way to know
how they're spending your dough?
(what's that part about money and fools?)
"
"a bed sheet's a sheet for your bed;
it's rectangular, woven of thread.
if you really don't know
where a bed sheet should go,
you should sleep on a futon instead.
"
"today we'll replace with titanium
a piece of your poor fractured cranium.
my first craniectomy!
so write a blank check to me
(or end like a potted geranium).
"
"if improving your profit's your goal,
better implement credit control.
do not lend to a friend
who may tend to misspend
or a troll on parole on the dole.
"
"""my journal's name must be unique,""
said an arrogant gal named monique.
she adjusted her monocle,
then renamed my chronicle
to the sleek chic mystique of chronique.
"
"""mr. christian, you clean up this spill!""
said the stern captain bligh (the old pill).
""and use bounty, it's quicker,
or you won't get your liquor!""
""i'll set you asea, cap'n will!""
"
"my birthday's today?i abhor
a fact that i cannot ignore.
see, i used to be free
to begin with a three,
but now my age starts with a four.
"
"the president snarled with frustration,
""i hate him?but what a donation.
i'll send him to mali,
but tell him it's bali
he's sent to, through this ablegation.""
"
"fuzzy wuzzy was fuzzy with hair.
""i will shave him and keep it to wear,""
said pierre, while abaring.
now bootprints he's bearing;
i can't abear baring a bear.
"
"if you simply can't see the conclusion,
if you're lost in a sea of confusion,
then it might be you'll find
that the answer in mind
has been hidden through someone's abstrusion.
"
"just how your ear works is otology.
hearing's science is called audiology.
but goldsmith, alone,
thought to reassess tone
in his autosegmental phonology.
"
"as i waddled, my belly would bounce.
i declared, ""now i'll watch every ounce!
no treats that're yummy?
i'll flatten my tummy.
my stomach i thus abrenounce!""
"
"nasty churl name of earl got real huffy
when a girl name of pearl called him chuffy.
he was built like a pig?
body short, stomach big?
and he whirled to face pearl looking puffy.
"
"do you think i should christen my ship
buoy's life, or get reel, or you'll flip?
maybe just for the halibut
or angler's alley?but
wife suggests went for a dip.
"
"freud's impulse toward violence, destrado,
runs rampant in those with bravado.
it's an anti-libido;
destruction's the credo
(like i feel when i watch the mikado).
"
"so evocative, lovely is dernful:
meaning ""secret, hence sad; somewhat yearnful"".
though it's now obsolete,
still, it's pretty darn sweet.
now doesn't this make you feel learnful?
"
"a peach of an author was roald.
mr. dahl broke the (chocolate) mold.
many novels were hits,
loved by all who aren't twits.
on this big, friendly genius i'm sold.
"
"now, watson, you'll find this instructive:
if your fact-finding foray's productive,
then you're sure your conclusion
is more than illusion
through reasoning strictly deductive.
"
"one night after six pints of  ale,
bought a building i thought was for sale.
my deed of conveyance
was held in abeyance?
how should i know the place was a jail?
"
"said the salt, ""though it's smarter to spurn,
if that clubhauling stunt you would learn,
drop the anchor, then tack;
cut the line with a whack.
it's a nautical bootlegger turn.""
"
"a tyrant is much too erratic.
theocracy? nah, it's dogmatic.
those technocrats?  yawn.
ask the people: i'm drawn
to the worst ('cept the rest) ? democratic.
"
"watching trinity, holding my breath,
now i've blood on my hands, like macbeth.
though i muttered, it worked,
still, a darker thought lurked:
the destroyer of worlds, i am death.
"
"aerotaxis is not science fiction
(with a ""cabs that can fly"" bold prediction).
it's a movement, bacterial,
with a limit criterial:
toward air, or away's the restriction.
"
"our forefathers fled persecutionists,
bonding as bold revolutionists.
they fashioned a charter
to govern them smarter.
we people are all constitutionists.
"
"cap crucifix clutter creation?
peg protestant prop population?
trick-trending truth tramples,
so seek several samples?
a valuable cross-validation.
"
"to hell with those old fuddy-duddies
who scoff as i strive in my studies,
as they're not pedagogical,
but cryptozoological:
i'm hunting a snark with my buddies.
"
"ollie north's nicaraguan excursion
was a massive managua immersion.
met a cute sandinista,
and never released 'er.
counter-contra now?north's contraversion.
"
"he'd been bald almost since he could walk,
so each day even children would mock.
but minoxidil cream
soon answered his dream
with a blond crinicultural shock.
"
"orestes should fear this epiphany:
alecto, magaera, tisiphone!
beware the eumenides
when singing their threnodies;
you'll go mad when you hear their polyphony.
"
"so you eat too much junk when you're snacking?
want to stop, but your willpower's lacking?
there's a high-protein treat
that's delicious to eat?
so just pick up a nut and get cracking.
"
"could your jeans be more soiled or damper?
get your keister in gear now and scamper!
put your socks and your shirt
(will you look at that dirt?)
and the rest of your clothes in the hamper.
"
"this limerick has three little c's,
four m's, but there's only two g's.
the autogram counts
letter usage amounts?
it's a task done with (seventeen) ease.
"
"crawling under a cow from the rear,
he was pale from a night drinking beer.
then a farmer came by,
saw this milk-stealing guy,
who was utterly cream-faced with fear.
"
"soft rocker chris cross (on the sauce)
and klh founder hank kloss
played a fierce tic tac toe
until chrissy screamed ""no!""
cross crossly crossed out kloss's cross.
"
"believe it or not, there's a term
to describe certain creatures that squirm
and resemble, good lord,
little seeds from a gourd.
that term is cucurbitive worm.
"
"my doctor just filled me with glee.
""there's evidence present of de-
crudescence,"" he stated.
my symptoms abated!
now soon of disease i'll be free.
"
"mother yelled, ""you recalcitrant brat!
disobedient, smug as a cat.
you should do what i say!""
""but my grandma says..."" ""hey!
just ignore her, the crazy old bat.""
"
"when desi left lucy for miriam,
""oh, ricky!"" she cried, in delirium.
the desilu prez
often pines for arnaz.
does desi deserve desiderium?
"
"you said that my you's what i need
to refer to your person? agreed.
you say that your preference
is you as coreference.
you names the same person indeed.
"
"when she follows a specified path
then a surface will bend to her wrath.
this plain dominatrix
is called generatrix
or describent, the bad girl of math.
"
"when examining poetry critically,
constructive folk think analytically;
a nitpicker natters
on trivial matters:
these criticasters act parasitically.
"
"our single-voiced chants disappoint.
so, comrades, we need to anoint
a popular frontist
to turn contrapuntist
and write or compose counterpoint.
"
"""how the kennedy staffers would bristle
at the threat of a cuban-based missile.
an arrangement was sought
'fore the cold war turned hot.
'62 was a close one,"" he'd whistle.
"
"we're a site with a lofty ambition.
the rule is that every submission
needs humor and zing
plus one vital thing:
a definiens (that's definition).
"
"though the doc ran the four-minute mile,
""safety first,"" he would say with a smile.
""you mustn't make haste?
use the banister, placed
by the side of a stairway or stile.""
"
"a beaver once frantically swam
to avoid angry landowner sam
who was knee-deep in mud
that had come from the flood?
he'd been damnified (damaged), by damn.
"
"said the future inventor, ""i swear,
this question's so hard, it's not fair!
an x to the third
is described by what word?""
""erno rubik, it's cubic, you square!""
"
"your fabulous, fecund fertility
and my mini-me's mighty motility
have stepped up the stakes,
but then those are the breaks:
crappy condoms can claim culpability.
"
"punctuational prowess: been stolen?
with typos: your writing is swollen?
such sloppiness sparks:
mighty misuse of marks:
colonopathy: aberrant colon.
"
"penicillin just isn't sufficin'
for that nasty infection you're icin'?
if you're sure that gram-positive
bacteria were causative,
my friend, you should try clindamycin.
"
"though frightfully frail at flirtation,
found a phrase and was filled with elation.
for a date-mark must be
an engagement with me!
oh, it's ""mark with a time and location"".
"
"continental (-ish) congress convention
soon captured all europe's attention.
independence declared!
many monarchs despaired
and cursed at these delegates' mention.
"
"lost data's a pain in the neck?
but a cyclic redundancy check
detects the omission
from noisy transmission
with a cyclic redundancy check.
"
"watch her battle that green acid sprayer
or the big bad who's sunnydale's mayor.
these creatures all breed in
the mind of joss whedon
for buffy the vampire slayer.
"
"said the priest of the dearly departed:
""he was noble and kind, openhearted.
but he's dead. he's no more.
he's at peace.  out the door...
and his widow is hot, so get started!""
"
"in the singular, crincum's a turn
or a twist or a bend, but we learn
if you got the french pox
from that syph-spreading fox
you can say it's the crincums that burn.
"
"the flight went according to plan:
the eagle had landed on ""tran"".
with the earth shining high
in the cold lunar sky,
neil armstrong took ""one step for man"".
"
"chris strolin: the chief, not a phony.
jesse frankovich: eagle-eyed crony.
other writers amassed
in this odd (word) play's cast:
an oedilf-ish dramatis personae.
"
"no anti-drug lecture, now, bub.
you've inverted the words?that's the rub.
marijuana plus flame?
no, the groundsel tree's name
is consumption weed ? some kinda shrub.
"
"""i contrasted all evening, comparatively,
all the claras i located narratively.
there were barton and bow?
they're both dead, now i know.
yes, it's so!"" tom asserted, declaratively.
"
"andy's been to peru, where it snowed;
drove to chile by mountainous road.
he photoed the andes
(the peaks, not the candies),
an' dese are the places he goed.
"
"last christmas, my love sent my way
alectoris (or perdix?) at play
in a pyrus communis.
do you know what this tune is?
here's a hint?i got gifts every day.
"
"simple answers he gives at the max;
all unprompted addenda he lacks.
in the brain, lesions cause
alogia's faux pas;
as on dragnet, he'll give just the facts.
"
"my boston bull terrier, mugs,
has a face that is flat like a pug's.
he is black, white and brindle;
his spirit can kindle
forgiveness for ""gifts"" on the rugs.
"
"the convict cook's carne creation
forged a fiery, fatal fixation.
he became too engrossed
while flamb?ing the roast
in a ""captive con cow"" concremation.
"
"the syndrome that's called chylomicronemia?
says a doc from the gene academia:
""chylomicrons build up
in your blood, you sick pup.
don't eat fats on your trip to bohemia.""
"
"for a school where the test scores are drooping,
consider ability grouping.
i'm backing this tracking
since smacking those lacking
will send student advocates swooping.
"
"the rifles we call ""b-a-r""
were designed by john browning; they are
automatic, pneumatic,
and rarely erratic.
to soldiers, they sure raised the bar.
"
"the union's top leadership rages:
""we've been fighting the owner for ages!
well, we workers won't work
till he signs (the big jerk!)
a collective agreement on wages.""
"
"his hip-hopping partner said, ""stu,
learn the vertical move or we're through!""
stewie knew in his heart
he could not do that part,
so he cried, ""i can't break up with you!""
"
"let me demonstrate physics acuity:
the equation we call continuity
states momentum and mass
are conserved as they pass
through a boxlet throughout perpetuity.
"
"that cowgirl in rhinestones? my daughter,
on horseback, downhill, near the water.
such compound morphology
has one odd pathology:
man's laughter can turn to manslaughter.
"
"isolation: your loneliness grows
and you feel overcome by your woes.
it's a sad situation.
the best consolation?
a puppy who's licking your nose.
"
"archimedes had started to fret:
""there's no order to letters as yet.""
so he wagered with zeno
(it was kind of like reno),
and thus made an alphabet bet.
"
"your vanity, lass, is a sin.
don't put curls in your hair, don't begin.
young maiden, it's worse
if you covet a purse.
steer clear of that cursed crisping pin.
"
"my hopes for c-minus had faded;
my teacher would not be persuaded.
then she called me a fool,
nearly flunking in school?
i'm derided, debased and degraded.
"
"she loves technical talk, so i tease her:
compound lever-based tool, not a ""tweezer"";
not spinning, ""gyration"";
cryo-(""oooh!"")-preservation,
not ""shoving some stuff in the freezer.""
"
"my appendix's troubling tendency
toward pain had me in its ascendancy.
the doctor's decision:
a major incision
intended to lend disappendency.
"
"dr. strangelove's a film darkly comic
about missiles and mishaps atomic.
major kong gave a yell
as the bomb 'neath him fell
while it traced out a course balladromic.
"
"when a company's ripe for the picking,
an e-trader's keyboard starts clicking.
while in hock, on the block,
it's appealing deal stock
while the takeover clock is still ticking.
"
"you're a noisome northumbrian drench
who has held there since long 'fore the french.
with a drengage your tenure
is safe, and so then you're
a drench with a stench you can't quench.
"
"it's a word to make verbivores revel:
a fool or a drudge is a drevil.
add a space, such upheaval!
he's now dr. evil:
a fool who has gone to the devil.
"
"the allure of colure he extols:
""picture circles that cross at the poles:
two lines, artificial,
equinoctial, solstitial.
this will help with your sky-charting goals.""
"
"some smart ones win bets with their bookies;
some tough ones are can't-be-stopped rookies.
they're internet trackers
and tasty for snackers.
you're sick if you toss 'em ? they're cookies!
"
"abe was thoughtful, contemplative, grave,
'til the final full measure he gave.
he would analyze, weigh,
each concern of the day.
deliberator: friend to the slave.
"
"of twinkies and ho hos i dream.
that oreo ""stuff"" i esteem.
i highly regard
whipped sugar and lard,
that cream-less cream filling called  creme.
"
"a buff burly boy from bohemia
heeded gym rats, and not academia.
""sucking supplements down,""
said his doc with a frown,
""is the cause of your creatinemia.""
"
"is to drown in old wording your urge?
want to bathe in arcana? then splurge!
plunge into the dated.
you're steeped once you've stated:
""to sink or immerse: to demerge"".
"
"though i don't have a problem with lightning,
when the night is lit up by its brightening,
ceraunophobia humbles
each time i hear rumbles?
it's thunder itself i find frightening.
"
"in hades the demons are mean,
and sadistic and ugly, unclean.
but on our computers
they're really square shooters,
providing us service unseen.
"
"in the cold war, the west states would mock:
""eastern europe's not free?what a crock.""
they were ruled from afar
by the ussr
as a part of the communist bloc.
"
"though it usually means the formation
of deltas from silt, through hydration,
northwest, once admired,
has now been acquired?
a turbulent deltafication.
"
"""please officer, hurry, come quick!
that woman in essex is sick.
i just saw a copper
stop over and bop 'er.""
""that isn't my constablewick.""
"
"come see what the zookeeper brought us:
cynocephalus (cool!) variegatus.
three hundred colugo
could fit in a yugo.
flying lemurs are asian, he taught us.
"
"the ball danced like a toy on a string
and the batter went after that thing.
tried to stop, but so late?
did his bat cross the plate?
ruled the ump: ""it was just a checked swing.""
"
"conservative thomas delay
as a whip made repubs vote his way.
his illegal transaction
led to this delayed action:
after years, he's convicted. (hooray!)
"
"if you're digne, that's a reason to revel:
you are excellent, fit, on the level.
but sustain your disdain,
being vain and a pain,
and they'll say, ""you're as digne as the devil.""
"
"as nuclear physicists know,
a neutron absorber can slow
the core's rate of fission?
so control rods' omission
lets it grow till she'll blow (then you'll glow).
"
"in your lentiform nucleus sits
your discrete globus pallidus?it's
been causing an issue.
these chems will kill tissue:
a chemopallidectomy blitz.
"
"once crossbite meant ""swindle or cheat"";
now it's something an ortho can treat
(where the upper jaw's teeth
don't engage those beneath).
either way, watch your savings deplete.
"
"computers use double precision
to calculate complex division ?
it takes 64 bits.
the term also fits
for a siamese twin circumcision.
"
"a buddhist of type mahayana
knows of one who won't enter nirvana.
bodhisattva's the name,
saving others, his claim,
'stead of saving himself like i'd wanna.
"
"a drop pass in f?tbol's designed
as a give to the teammate behind.
but in football, alas,
better not drop a pass
or your quarterback might be unkind.
"
"go away! let there be no confusion?
if you don't you will get a contusion.
i am shutting you out,
you're cut off, stupid lout.
this disclusion precludes your intrusion.
"
"of the bonobo, simian imp,
you can say it's like no other chimp.
if its playmates will vex,
it placates them with sex.
that little ape's surely no simp!
"
"i've created a judgment provider,
makes me feel like a white house insider.
it's a coin, shows george bush,
front, his face; back, his tush ?
that bad penny will be my decider!
"
"the apiarist viewed his dead hive.
""it's disastrous,"" he said. ""i've lost five
in this hamlet alone.
what's the buzz? they've all flown?
well, bees or no bees, we'll survive.""
"
"some say w stands for the worst;
name another that's worse if you durst.
eight long years, way too much
of that evil gang's touch ?
may we never again be so curst!
"
"we each have ten trillion at least.
they constitute plant, man and beast;
each one chugging away,
all night and all day ?
without them all life would have ceased.
"
"if you're seeking a job as a greeter
(say at walmart ? you can't be st. peter!),
then just list (none deleted)
all the people you've greeted ?
that'll be your cv, nothing neater!
"
"if good limerick writing's your goal,
then consider its metrical soul:
dit dit dah, dit dit dah,
(morse for u, rah rah rah)?
you just need good anapest control!
"
"if you find yourself huffin' and puffin',
out of wind, like a sail that is luffin',
then toss out those chips
and those fat-laden dips.
for a snack try a healthy bran muffin!
"
"whenever dad gets in a lather
(doesn't take much to do it, i gather),
he will just lose his cool
and behave like a fool ?
he'll run off at the mouth; he will blather!
"
"should you hear of a lass or a laddie
who's depressed by a pose that is adi-,
and they want flesh to melt
for a profile more svelte,
they should know that most diets are faddy.
"
"if i ask you which bra you like best,
or quiz how your newborns ingest,
i'm not trying to get cozy,
or just being nosy ?
it's my way, girls, of keeping abreast!
"
"he made off, they allege (passing strange),
with amounts in the billion-buck range.
i don't know how he did it,
where he might have then hid it,
but it sure as hell isn't small change!
"
"my wife sought a shrink who was buyable,
though it turned out he wasn't so pliable.
for he outed her play
to put hubby away?
sure, i'm mad, but i'm not certifiable.
"
"it's an irony jews find unbearable,
though it surely would make a great parable.
did they weather the scud,
spend their money and blood,
just to render the damn desert arable?
"
"in the gloom of the african dark,
a small 'earth-pig' was heard to remark:
""don't be calling me porcine;
we were here long before swine,
digging ants, which is really aard vark.""
"
"if you'd like to escape winter freeze-ins,
or for one of a score of good reasons,
then come, we implore,
jordan offers you more?
we call it amman for all seasons!
"
"the limerick's often unclean,
ranging frankly from lewd to obscene.
bowdler would have declined
had he e'er been assigned
to launder them all for the queen!
"
"it's a rhythm whose third beat is stressed;
for limericks it beats all the rest;
as it trips off the tongue
like a bell that is rung?
what it is you will surely have guessed!
"
"when the burglar lays hands on the swag,
or the dealmaker feels he can brag,
or the would-be seducer
sees the lady get looser?
they must think that the thing's in the bag!
"
"said a militant atheist: ""look,
i've examined your sect's holy book.
its pretensions i slam,
it's a priest-written scam,
and it's loaded with gobbledygook!""
"
"you may think you are sound as a bell,
full of get-up-and-go juice as well.
you will find all the same,
if you play a hard game,
you will still need the odd breathing spell.
"
"said the councilman, ""i have been stung
by our town's reputation.  we're hung
as the dirtiest place
on java's fair face.
let's live up to our name, folks ? ban dung!""
"
"said the lady knife-thrower: ""by gar!
see the guy with the stogie?  that's far.
now look sharp, mon ami,
perfect aim, that's the key ?
et voila!  that was close ? no cigar!""
"
"you should try to define with precision;
get it right, if you must, with revision.
your lim ought to limn,
be expressed with some vim,
and with wit's soul ? in brief, with concision!
"
"sam magee was froze solid.  you know
he had begged for cremation.  and so
i couldn't, though nervous,
deny him that service.
i shoved sam in the fire ? way to go!
"
"magna carta, that seminal pact,
is a treasured historical fact.
but for lovers of wordplay
(this is quite an absurd play),
it's the 1215 anagram act!
"
"asked the head-doctor, ""why do you choose
to court jeers?""  said the wit, ""it's a ruse
to achieve satisfaction
from adverse reaction.
you see, i've got hooked on the boos!""
"
"'twas the moment for which we'd been waiting,
the high point for sure, no debating.
we sat in the stands,
wildly clapping our hands,
as we watched the blue ice chorus skating!
"
"you might think it to be a bit rash,
in a mattress your greenbacks to stash.
still, one could make a case
for a wealth-hiding place ?
in a pinch that would be your cash cache!
"
"look, i know my own mind, i'm not budgin'.
don't you cross me, i'll get in high dudgeon.
yes, i'm constantly grumpy,
and i make others jumpy ?
i am proud to be called a curmudgeon.
"
"he's a swine who would trample a pearl,
and his language might make your hair curl.
he's an ill-tempered boor,
antisocial for sure;
in a word, you could call him a churl.
"
"it's removing a king from his throne,
or the mere setting down of a stone.
they are both deposition,
and it means, in addition:
a statement of facts that you've known.
"
"i've got limerick lines on the brain.
it's beginning to drive me insane.
it's a sleep-loss afflictive,
completely addictive,
intellectual-type crack cocaine.
"
"what if gregor awakens one morning,
and notices, quite without warning,
what was once a wee mole
has become a black hole ?
is he seeing a cosmos aborning?
"
"you'll agree it's a total disgrace
that violence stemming from race
should threaten our shop,
just a small 'mom and pop'.
we've no choice but to board up the place.
"
"those incredibly smart wall street brokers
are revealed now as public purse soakers.
their arrant cupidity
was just plain stupidity.
turns out they were not-so-smart jokers.
"
"i consulted my doctor at last.
for a week, i griped, nothing had passed.
""i'll prescribe euthanasia,""
doc joked. ""achalasia:
it just means that you're really tight-assed.""
"
"as you know, lots of limericks mention
matters frowned on by prudish convention.
the oedilf hides pure smut,
has a curtain that's shut
for those viewers who practise abstention.
"
"my belief system's beautifully simple:
the universe burst from a pimple
on the face of space-time,
and i think it's a crime
that others would opt for a dimple.
"
"as he gazed at the guns 'cross the bay,
the captain was last heard to say:
""sure, those bastards are game,
but they've got lousy aim.
couldn't hit a barn door at this ra? ""
"
"the first time (i wince to review it)
was so stressful i bloody near blew it.
what a terrible shock
when she said, ""enough talk.
don't beat 'round the bush, kid, just do it!""
"
"to divide, it knows only too well,
so it multiplies faster than hell,
while it adds to your strife,
and subtracts from your life ?
that's the math of the damned cancer cell.
"
"when old noah stepped down off the ark;
when i stripped a birch, leaving it stark;
when i made my pooch mute
(i just muzzled the brute) ?
those were three different ways to debark.
"
"cried the arctic prospector: ""gol dang!
this bone-chillin' land can go hang!""
put a gun in his mouth,
said: ""i'm headin' down south.""
they say he went out with a bang.
"
"roman catholics, seeking a sign,
the putative virgin enshrine.
when her time came to die
she was hoisted on high ?
the assumption: the maid was divine.
"
"i've confected a personal god,
and applied for a patent (how odd!).
as inventor (and pope),
i've defined her full scope
in my claims ? which are detailed, and broad!
"
"if a nuclear missile you lob
at a town, radiation will prob-
ably wipe out the lot;
but if perchance not,
then the blast wave will finish the job.
"
"if great palindromes happen to thrill ya,
then i'd say that you have ailihphilia.
it's not in the lexicon?
not even the mexican?
you won't rule it out i hope, will ya?
"
"they have called it 'the land of the free',
yet  we shouldn't forget wounded knee.
comes a voice from the grave:
""'tis the home of the brave,
and it's also the land of the cree!""
"
"it may seem a mere bump on the ground,
but a treasure therein may be found ?
not only old bones,
also gold, precious stones,
in an undisturbed burial mound.
"
"cleistothecium (greek for ""closed case"")
means the ascocarps don't have a place
for releasing their spores,
so they might count on boars
for transporting tot truffles through space.
"
"now our arrow of time is a curse
as entropic disorder gets worse.
you can talk of string theory,
but of wormholes i'm leery.
even they can't make time's flow reverse!
"
"through a lesser-known form of pollution
that contributes to language dilution,
weasel words have arisen?
they replaced the term prison
with correctional (*sigh*) institution.
"
"father said, ""we'll be hanging in chad?
better learn dangla languages, lad.""
branch dangla-migama
is loved by my mama,
while mubi's the one for my dad.
"
"""in zat tiny, remote russian shtetl
a ten-dessiatine farm ve should settle?""
""tventy-seven whole acres:
ve're machers und shakers!""
""give zuh big shot my husband a medal.""
"
"if your doc's diagnosis has shown
toward adrenal shortcoming you're prone,
you had better get cracking?
aldosterone's lacking!
take deoxycorticosterone.
"
"this man mastered masses with skill
in his epic films destined to thrill.
any scale one proposes,
like barnum or moses,
cecil b. was not run of the mill.
"
"by the doctrine of schleiden and schwann
(brainy bio buffs, both born near bonn),
every substance organic,
both beast and botanic,
has cells that it's structured upon.
"
"vicar vic, vexed by vegas vacation:
""tacky teens tumble toward titillation!""
he would found a foundation
whose formal formation
detects and deters deturpation.
"
"here's the gist: there's a cyst that they missed
in your guts, but resist getting pissed.
cystojejunostomies, pal,
carve a drainage canal
from jejunum to cyst, to assist.
"
"the avocet's bill upward swerves,
whilst downward the curlew's bill curves.
every trait serves a need,
helps to feed or to breed ?
so they're things evolution preserves.
"
"he once scattered sardonic dissensions,
with a cynic's subversive intentions.
he had devilish fun,
wielding acid-tipped pun,
boldly bierce-ing all bourgeois conventions!
"
"as a youth did this guy ever sin a tad?
pull a lark just for laughs when he'd been a lad?
does the concept of fun
exist ? sans a gun ?
in the world of mahmoud ahmadinejad?
"
"it was clear why they called him 'black thunder'.
the guy was a fist-fighting wonder.
just a few solid belts,
raising welts over welts,
and opponents would soon buckle under.
"
"""now, rabbi, you listen to me,""
said the sultan to shabbetai zvi.
""here's the choice you have got:
it's convert, or ? garotte.
ah, la-la, you're beginning to see!""
"
"note the glowworm's abdominal essence.
low-temp bug, not for her incandescence.
she summons her mate
to a coital date,
using chemi(it's cool)luminescence.
"
"well, the bible presents a good story ?
it's absorbing, exciting and gory.
but unless you've the fever
of a real true believer,
you would not think it true a priori.
"
"when his model one day didn't show up,
the photographer griped she should grow up.
he enlarged on this theme
with developing steam ?
which exposed her next day to a blowup.
"
"an adventurous gal liked to spend
her vacations abroad where she'd blend,
eating local cuisine
(the indigenous scene),
but contracted dire rear in the end!
"
"drinking tea, though the height of depravity,
serves to charge up my mirth-making cavity.
i call it, for brevity,
my center of levity,
as opposed to my center of gravity.
"
"a black hole, gravitational well,
casts a wide ineluctable spell.
you may cross its horizon
without realizin'
you're bound for extinction pell-mell!
"
"as he readied himself for the plunge, he
surveyed with misgiving the bungee.
he'd been told, ""some guys retch;
it's a heck of a stretch ?
but the ground around here's really spongy.""
"
"an entrepreneur, whose deep pocket
backed a space launch, declared: ""never knock it!""
that he made it was due
in large part to his crew,
but still more to a good booster rocket.
"
"he designed it to fit in the fist,
and give exercise (good for the wrist).
""the solution,"" said rubik,
""decidedly cubic,
involves an intriguing new twist.""
"
"here's a caveat, just so you know.
with regard to the cave at lascaux:
way too much human presence
produced efflorescence,
so the cave that you see's really faux.
"
"said the jumpmaster, ""lest there's confusion:
hit your head on the door, that's contusion.
pull the ripcord too late,
chute fails to inflate?
you jump to a foregone conclusion!""
"
"though the french are renowned for cuisine,
they don't head the world list of 'most clean'.
 still, it came as a shock
when i  learned (it's no crock!)
a french swimming pool's called a 'piss scene'.
"
"he was bumped off the passenger list,
and you'd think he'd have really been pissed.
but the airliner crashed,
so he would have been smashed,
or bumped off, or erased.  now he's blissed.
"
"take a bent piece of bone, with a cord
attached to both ends (which are scored).
the cord's made to curl
round a shaft it will twirl ?
with this bow drill a hole can be bored.
"
"when abebe bikila's great race
at the '60 olympics took place,
there were thousands who gazed
on this wonder, amazed ?
he ran barefoot with consummate grace.
"
"a lamp maker, last name of kendrick,
sought to turn a nice pair for his friend, rick ?
the coaxial kind,
with all centers aligned,
though eccentric lamps kendrick did send rick.
"
"want a word that sounds hip and spontaneous?
steer clear of  contempo-(yawn)-raneous.
two events that occur
both at once, i prefer
to refer to as coinstantaneous.
"
"on the phone, on a call with your wife,
cutting in, you hear struggle and strife.
as the crosstalk is rising,
a singer's advising:
always look on the bright side of life.
"
"when you give as a gift, it's donation,
but if it's instead compensation
without liberality,
this act, in legality,
is known to the lawyers as dation.
"
"i was lying asleep in my bed.
""the phone?it's for you,"" someone said.
my roommates thought, ""great...
who would call before eight?""
then i muttered, ""my brother is dead.""
"
"you're cocksure, presumptuous, slick.
you think you're the best, but you're thick.
you are so immature?
it's not that that's ""for sure"",
but a rooster that grew from a chick.
"
"if botany you are astute in,
there's simply no sense in disputin'
what cutinize means:
using wax from yer greens,
you impregnate or cover with cutin.
"
"a congressional district's a place
where a candidate running a race
for a seat in the house
looks for votes (that the louse,
now disgraced, had ""misplaced"" sucking face).
"
"it's cyclic, and needs amp;
this protein-based kinase should be
(of course) tetrameric
and, though esoteric,
bind phosphates to serines, once free.
"
"""dear father, i have a confession:
i don't get this circumincession.""
""son, each of the three's
in the others, so please
don't you give up the ghost on this lesson.""
"
"if there's blood in the water you'll see
how the predators circle with glee.
sharks, piranhas and such
do not need very much
for 'to be' to become 'not to be'.
"
"a shrewd banker, who wanted more clout,
of the means thereto harbored no doubt.
he declared, ""it's the case
that to broaden our base
our program must be to branch out.""
"
"a young prussian, a dueling star,
hoped that combat his visage would mar;
but his sword skill was such
that his cheeks none could touch ?
the ref would cry, ""close, but no scar!""
"
"in a myth about hubris (or brass),
bold icarus bid to surpass
the birds of the air,
a feat of great dar-
ing, but  then lost his alae, alas!
"
"she was chased like society debs
by those jackals who follow celebs.
paparazzi decision
and french tunnel vision
saw the princess die  fleeing the plebs.
"
"the bible's commandments are ten,
a prescription laid down for all men*;
but this newspaper bloke
thinks it's all a big joke ?
he needs four, just: who? what? where? and when?
"
"long ago an immense hunk of stone
struck our globe and produced a new zone ?
an iridium layer
that erosion's laid bare.
k-t boundary's how it is known.
"
"it's a fact that's established by hubble:
we exist  on a vast cosmic bubble.
are we specks on a froth
of primordial broth ?
or mere lather for shaving god's stubble?
"
"for a minor offence there's a fine,
while for murder they well might consign
you to life in a cage.
you will see, if you're sage,
that the punishment just is  condign.
"
"if you aim at avoiding the trite,
and ensuring your prose can take flight,
you may well be graded
on how nouns are shaded ?
that means getting your adjectives right.
"
"susan boyle said she'd never been kissed,
and she knew that she could have been hissed;
but she blew them away ?
all the judges said, ""yay!""
so she ended up totally blissed.
"
"has it not ever struck you as odd
that the people who speak most of god,
when they rank rank transgressions,
make major concessions?
where's cruelty?  it gets the nod!
"
"on cds, there's an extra attraction:
it's the spectrum from light's interaction
with lines closely scribed,
so it's groovily vibed ?
a phenomenon known as diffraction.
"
"said the chef, ""my superb curry flavor
is what helps, i have found, curry favor
with those restaurant scribes,
so, without any bribes,
their reviews will be ones i can savor.""
"
"pope john paul steps aboard to shrill whistles,
but the warship's commander then bristles,
'cause the pontiff would go
scout around down below?
""why, it's just to inspect the crew's missals.""
"
"joseph fraunhofer kept innovating,
and thus found a new way of creating
a spectrum, by placing
scored lines with close spacing,
producing diffraction by grating.
"
"you can take this for what it is worth.
if your teen was a dreamer from birth,
then just send him (no force)
on an outward bound course ?
that will bring him, i'd bet, back to earth.
"
"there's a chap of falstaffian girth
who each christmastime circles the earth.
as he flies on his way
on his reindeer-drawn sleigh,
the old gent bubbles over with mirth.
"
"in the bible the truth is what frees us,
and i think that should jolly well please us;
but however you read it,
you will have to concede it?
the conclusion is just exit jesus!
"
"whether probing the heart of the atom,
or seeking a hard-to-find datum,
what i want first of all
is the thing i might call
my primary desideratum.
"
"near the end, robert service would say:
""i've written much verse in my day;
but there's one thing i grieve
that i failed to achieve ?
and that was a sweet breton lay.""
"
"i bought glue that was touted to 'mend all'.
i've a kitchen device that will 'blend all'.
but i think much more lame
is the vatican's claim
that their faith is the be all and end all.
"
"his innards churned over like yeast,
and the astronaut tyro cried ""sheest!""
as the centrifuge spun,
for it sure wasn't fun
when the rate of rotation increased.
"
"it's said that two things are dead certain;
and both, sad to tell you, are hurtin'.
the first of these maxes
your stress ? yes, that's taxes.
the other is fate's final curtain.
"
"my belief system some might call hazy.
they disparage my thinking as lazy.
we emerged from a bog
through enveloping fog.
the creationists say that i'm crazy!
"
"global warming's a fact beyond doubt,
yet its critics know what they're about.
they declare it's a fiction,
and assert (contradiction?)
that humanity needs to chill out.
"
"my least favorite auntie would fuss
over me as a child, and i'd cuss
and dodge that way and this
to avoid her wet kiss.
so, could that be called missing the buss?
"
"two electrons escape from their shell.
they're entangled as if by some spell.
poor einstein's ghost wails
as locality fails ?
that's the dictum of john stewart bell!
"
"a mephitic fart borne on the breeze
made one of our gang cry out, ""jeez!
quick, give me a drink!
what a hideous stink!
oh christ, fellows, who cut the cheese?""
"
"bawled the drill sergeant, ""ok men, step it!
heft that pack now, let's see you guys shlep it.
hey, you there! too heavy?
weighs less than my chevy.
what's the matter, you getting decrepit?""
"
"a young wag of a native named min
had two limericks tattooed on her chin,
both her own composition ?
said she, ""my ambition
is to wag ab-original skin!""
"
"that tome, the critique of pure reason,
is a tough slog whatever the season.
i've tried reading it (pant),
and i can't, i just can't ?
is this philosophical treason?
"
"the crew of the norway-bound steamer
had a lookout ? too much of a dreamer.
said the brooklyn-born mate
when recounting her fate:
""didn't spot that the boyg was abeam her.""
"
"here's an extraterrestrial scoop!
nasa's viking biology group
has proved the existence
and probed the consistence
of a martian mutt's fossilized poop!
"
"no, he didn't perform in burlesque.  oh,
you think maybe he painted a fresco.
wrong again.  this guy's game
was composing.  his name:
mario castelnuovo-tedesco.
"
"while i'm starting my own new religion,
from the others i'll borrow a smidgen:
a cross and a crescent,
a star evanescent,
but for difference,  my godhead's a pigeon!
"
"it happened in 1601.
queen elizabeth, surely no nun,
asked which of those present
cut the cheese like a peasant ?
which led to some rollicking fun.
"
"you may know what is under the hood
when it comes to the plumbing (or should).
still, and here's the bad word:
just one oversized turd
can block up your toilet, but good.
"
"in the souk in the town of jerusalem
toiled a merchant who used to bamboozle 'em.
""buy my wares,"" he would cry,
as the tourists strolled by,
""they're the cheapest, or i am no musalem!""
"
"with his spectroscope, joseph designs
to scan the sun's spectrum for signs.
his absorption's complete,
and lo, what his eyes greet
are, to fraunhofer's wonder, dark lines!
"
"marx hooked up with engels and presto!
wrote the communist (red) manifesto.
which, a century later,
in a different theater,
inspired fidel and ernesto.
"
"a downward-sloped track's a decline.
now contrast with ""i'm perfectly fine.""
you are not yet declining,
but if you are dining,
it might be ""i'll pass on the wine.""
"
"a magnificent cock-of-the-rock
in its own mind was cock of the walk.
but the poor thing fell prey
to a raptor one day ?
a hawk making mock of the flock.
"
"when the blade broke his blade in a fray,
his initial response was to pray;
then he cursed the bad sword,
and its maker.  good lord!
both blades were bad-tempered, i'd say!
"
"remember when, back in the day,
the niagara ran the wrong way?
today stockwell yammers
we need more new slammers ?
ho-ho-ho, hear the minister bray!
"
"a croatian,  a gal of some wit,
fed up with guys loath to commit,
said, ""i've got rid of ten,
so no more of these men
of dubrovnik ? i'm going to split!""
"
"in the era of pen-knife and quill,
innovation a fresh need would fill.
the olho-de-boi
hit the bullseye, o joy!
the earliest stamps of brazil.
"
"sounds a little bit harsh i suppose,
maybe one of philately's lows.
when the visage is mauled,
bullseye cancel it's called ?
also known as a socked on the nose.
"
"well, so what if he governs by crony,
while unloading a stream of baloney.
just as rome survived vandals
and unending scandals ?
it will outlast that clown berlusconi.
"
"religion can lead to deeds heinous,
or, by contrast, can help to sustain us.
the holy afflatus
might choke or elate us.
(i choose not to worship uranus!)
"
"its genus is caenorhabditis
(no bones, so it's free of arthritis).
it's an elegant worm,
with a sinuous squirm,
and it owes not a thing to st. vitus.
"
"as they gaze through a faith-clouded prism,
they see separatists skirt the abysm.
the thrust of the game
is to frustrate their aim ?
antidisestablishmentarianism.
"
"""raffiniert ist der herrgott..."" he said;
and, ""god doesn't play dice.""  give him cred,
einstein hewed to the end
to this view, wouldn't bend,
and pursued it wherever it led.
"
"the oracle uttered words cryptic
that turned out to be apodictic.
it perhaps spared them woe
that the seekers not know
they were duped by a message elliptic.
"
"in the next life i'd like to kiss zelda,
and i'd love to match shoes with imelda;
but my favorite dream
(it's a heavenly theme):
playing patience, with job and griselda.
"
"in a sweeping reform dubbed 'new broom',
the party said, 'let flowers bloom.'
but short-lived was the joy;
'twas a cynical ploy ?
so the optimists went to their doom.
"
"in my dream came the voice of mark twain:
""yes, the follies of man gave me pain;
but to cast brickbats at a
sacred cow was non grata?
so i went for the jocular vein!""
"
"an egyptian old-empire bowman
once dreamed a career-changing omen.
to be scribe he aspired,
failed the test, wasn't hired,
'cause his 'amon-ra' came out 'a roman'.
"
"a grande dame on the marrakesh road
wore a burqa that head-to-toe flowed.
its encompassing flair
made the men stop and stare?
'twas the latest, tr?s chic, ? la mode!
"
"for religion i don't give a damn.
those extremist jihadists i slam.
and the prophet mohamed
was sure no melamed.
(have i got myself into a jam?)
"
"call a rose an alternative name?
shakespeare tells us it still smells the same.
and thus if we chose
to redub compass rose
as a 'sixteen-point star' ? pointless game!
"
"""distributing doukhobor tracts
in the mall in the nude? that impacts
on my nerves as a shopper.""
ruled his honor, ""improper ?
the witness will state the bare facts.""
"
"when a major initiative fails
and the sponsor reluctantly bails,
the self-interest-driven
excuse often given
is, ""the devil is in the details.""
"
"from the pulpit the preacher inveighed:
""your souls in the balance are weighed.
god's justice is stern.
all you sinners will burn;
but repenters might just make the grade!""
"
"this new alloy was not just a frill,
and it took metallurgical skill.
given boaters' insistence
on corrosion resistance,
aluminium bronze filled the bill.
"
"hey! i've joined that elite congregation
called oedilf; that means 'limerick nation'.
got to write lots of lims
now before the spark dims ?
this calls for some real cerebration!
"
"i'm a fairly conservative bloke.
i don't spend much compared to some folk.
but there is one extravagance
i indulge if i have a chance ?
when at christie's i go for baroque!
"
"when he spied the new carillonneur,
the monk cried, ""a miracle cure!
i had thought brother liam
was dead, but i see him!""
well, he saw a dead ringer, for sure!
"
"since the charge seemed a serious matter he
couldn't quite grasp, he tried flattery:
""judge, you smart man i see.
sure, i hit him might be,
but i no put-a salt in his battery!""
"
"""look, judge, he insulted my race.""
""no, your honor, that wasn't the case.
he just asked me, 'where's bloor?'
and i answered him, 'you're
a block past it.'  bam ? fist in my face!""
"
"the propeller whirled faster and faster,
while in front she stood holding an aster.
said the cameraman, ""please
just move back a bit ? freeze!""
the outcome was bloody ? disaster!
"
"rats and cockroaches, we'll never beat 'em.
there's no hope that we'll ever defeat 'em,
for these creatures will flourish,
and our kind they will nourish,
since the last living humans will eat 'em.
"
"""i sent darwin to try to redeem
you earthlings,"" said god, ""from your dream.
it's not clear to me why
some folks try to deny
my grand evolution'ry scheme.""
"
"the sneering young skinhead in court
was the type i would like to deport.
with tattooed union jack,
and that jaw hanging slack ?
he was nasty and british, in short.
"
"if it's austral it's south of the line
(the equator's the line we define),
while boreal's north,
like the cold firth of forth ?
keep them straight, for there isn't a sign!
"
"the bear-bottom ads are disarmin';
those ursines are no way alarmin'.
what gargantua sought,
now, hurrah, can be bought ?
he'd have said of this torchecul: ""it's charmin!""
"
"""there's a soft spot, see, right in the middle,""
said the quack, ""but for me that's no riddle.
i'll just rub some smegma
on top of his bregma ?
then your child will be fit as a fiddle!""
"
"""this new sunlamp could be a big earner,""
said the boss, ""so i don't mean to spurn 'er.
but concerns have been raised
of some folks getting braised;
so we're putting it on the back burner.""
"
"ambition's the drive to succeed,
hit a target by word or by deed.
as an artist, my aim
is the bullseye of fame,
on which i am drawing a bead.
"
"i avoid diction spats like the plague.
you say leg whereas i may say layg.
don't let accents cause strife,
just relax, get a life!
accommodate ? there's a good ayg!
"
"the preacher strove hard to burn in
a vivid impression of sin
and the torments of hell.
he understood well
how to lay on rotisserie spin.
"
"said a feminist gal: ""i'm no sap.
won't accept patriarchal guys' crap.
you can bet a brassiere
isn't part of my gear ?
it's a male-imposed twin booby trap!""
"
"apologetics: a subject that's core
for catholic scholars no more.
a pity, i'd say,
for surely (oy vey!)
they have much to apologize for!
"
"the convinced spread his story abroad,
while some skeptics would call it a fraud:
""jesus died on the cross?
not for christians a loss ?
he was deified, thus made a god.""
"
"a short-focus lens, it is true,
will provide a wide angle of view;
but it cannot compare
to the fisheye's broad stare;
although parallel lines will be skew.
"
"as he set up his page form one day,
the old printer just muttered away.
that collection of type
made him grumble and gripe ?
it was only a character trait.
"
"his paper attire splotched with red,
now the 'paper gunslinger' is dead.
paper hat, paper vest,
paper chaps and the rest ?
he was wanted for rustling, they said.
"
"said newton,""my fluxions, you see,
(speaking infinitesimally),
use dots and not dees,
and that, if you please,
differentiates leibnitz from me.""
"
"on the day sliding mud blocks the river,
and the savings and loan starts to quiver,
dire rumors race round;
fearful feelings abound ?
people whisper ""bank failure"" and shiver.
"
"it's what many cosmologists burn
to find out ? and they hope they'll soon learn.
what's the missing dark matter?
they endlessly natter,
awaiting an answer from cern.
"
"with this alien i dreamed of a link.
she had pointy ears, hair neon pink.
my approach was a goner
till i tried elvish on her.
""now you're tolkien,"" she said with a wink.
"
"the koran says: an eye for an eye,
and believers all chorus aye aye.
such barbaric old laws
ought to stick in their craws ?
i can only lament ai-yi-yi!
"
"big business bags billions of bucks,
not a sum where you'd just say, 'aw shucks'.
it comes out of my pocket.
if i could, i would block it.
corporate welfare ? it massively sucks.
"
"""the ayes have it,"" chair says, his voice stiff.
""motion carried."" ? ""object! that's skewiff!
we've scarcely a quorum.""
chair: ""please, due decorum.""
sounds tedious? very! (board's tiff.)
"
"there are those who with confidence state
that extreme competition's innate.
so in primary school,
teaming up is the rule.
elementary education ? it's great.
"
"i was out with my friend, joe canuck;
and you know, joe's got plenty of pluck.
but he let out a shout:
""that bird's veering!  watch out!
it's coming right at us!""  ""what?""  ""duck!""
"
"the physician said, ""sam, be a brick.
this injection is merely a prick
in your buttock.""  unquelled,
""i've been poisoned!"" sam yelled.
quipped the doc, ""just a little arse nick.""
"
"though it's said truth is what schools expound,
still, not all that you learned there is sound.
pie are square, we were taught,
but i tell you, that's rot ?
for in fact, cake are square, pie are round!
"
"i went out with the birdwatching tribe ?
tried my best to connect with the vibe.
hey, was that thing a widgeon,
or, mundanely, a pigeon?
check the field guide for markers that jibe.
"
"the crease pattern gives you the plan.
fold it into 3d if you can.
while that's quite educational,
if you want computational
origami, demaine is d'man.
"
"it would take a whole screed jesuitic
to untangle ted's saga fluidic.
though he'd lie and deny,
left a woman to die
in his car, off a bridge ? chappaquiddick!
"
"watch his followers riot and rave,
each to outworn beliefs still a slave.
could he see their acts goonish,
wild and mindless ? cartoonish ?
mohammed might spin in his grave.
"
"the logo in front calls it flyer.
well, i guess it's okay to aspire.
but it can't cut the mustard;
it flies like a bustard.
bus tardy, it rouses my ire.
"
"when i spied on the wall by the pool
mendeleev's array, i thought, cool!
give the kids a head start
with that chemical chart ?
what a great elementary school.
"
"the castilian fisherman's debt
caused that hombre to worry and fret
till flamenco percussion
made his burden less crushin',
tapping out 'cast a net, cast a net'.
"
"said joshua, ""we're such a great nation.
i will give you just one illustration.
know that jericho caper?
well, stone walls are not paper ?
yet we blew down that circumvallation.""
"
"holding weapons of war in its claws,
the american eagle gives pause.
vietnam and iraq
(and of others no lack),
show to use them it needs little cause.
"
"'twas a sense of the natives' ways' knell
that drove grey owl their stories to tell;
but archie belaney
was surely no zany ?
he just played the ""trickster"" so well.
"
"""thar she blows!"" cap'n cried, with elation.
""largest creature, bar none, in creation.""
as the whalewatchers cheered,
the leviathan neared,
and they heard cap's cetacean citation.
"
"handsome fred's my own species ? terrific!
we'll be fruitful, have kids, be prolific.
yes, my partner in bed
(he's the guy i just wed)
is an opposite-sex conspecific.
"
"sure, the worker bee's life can be tough,
making honey and wax and such stuff.
while the drones, flying high,
mate the queen, then they die.
still just bee-ing, perhaps, is enough.
"
"haldane's epigram (now and again,
it ricochets round in my brain) ?
the cosmos, it's clear,
is much queerer than queer.
(you won't ask me, i hope, to explain.)
"
"see the ice skaters, bodies so supple.
that two-handed twist spinning up'll
bedazzle the crowd.
they'll applaud long and loud
for that whirling dynamical couple.
"
"he's an alawite, firm devotee,
not a sunni, he's not full of glee.
took his power as prez
from his father, hafez ?
a sad basher he's turned out to be.
"
"i am making a list, just for fun,
of playwrights who played with a gun.
there's that russian m.d.
and i think you'll agree
that's a pretty good start (check off one).
"
"when cap yelled at the mate, ""what's the rumpus?
cool it man, don't you threaten to thump us.""
he replied, ""well, gol durn,
ain't no cause for concern.
i were only (hic) boxing the compass!""
"
"she quite suddenly vaulted to fame
when she made a remarkable claim.
she declared, ""here's the dish on
et  (my suspicion),""
and jocelyn bell was her name.
"
"can i say al-buraq is a fiction,
without fear of sectarian friction?
the miraculous steed
is a mythical breed,
with a man's face in common depiction.
"
"he was all unaware of the clot
hanging out of his nostril.  he thought:
""my sartorial flair
is what's making them stare"" ?
but to others it clearly was not!
"
"a ballet goer, not quite intact ?
really sloshed, as a matter of fact ?
blurted out at a swift
pirouette and a lift,
""shay, thasha real balanchine act!""
"
"the cardinal directions, these four:
north and south, east and west ? seamen's lore
says they're where the winds blow from.
they're what other points grow from ?
to navigate, sure, they're the core.
"
"as a born-again christian explored
what his schooling had largely ignored,
he was born again; wow!
he's an atheist now,
since he cut the, um ? biblical cord.
"
"although books on the subject abound
that quite thoroughly cover the ground,
here's a long-standing mystery:
no canadian history
by careless and wrong can be found.
"
"in a not-so-cheap book that i bought,
something happened that just hadn't ought.
a crack in the back,
freeing pages, alack ?
thermal binding, it isn't so hot.
"
"when my wife griped ""i haven't a stitch,""
""look for bargains,"" said i, ""we're not rich.""
she retorted, ""no way!
this here gal needs cachet,
which means abercrombie & fitch.""
"
"those popes medieval were scheming.
the worst had no features redeeming.
took the lord's name in vain,
left a long-lasting stain.
they were top of the class at blaspheming.
"
"lyndon johnson was proud of his beagle.
lifted 'him' by the ears ? was that legal?
to the average joe,
it was almost as though
he had trashed the american eagle.
"
"despite the 'good word' that he'd brought,
now the missionary stewed in the pot;
for the cannibal chief,
lacking christian belief...
assimilable?  both had that thought!
"
"it's a tale full of feelings intense.
king david's best loved, fleeing thence.
could the lad apprehend
how the story would end?
poor absalom, held in suspense!
"
"what's an aperture?  a hole in the wall?
or a space through which insects can crawl?
a crack letting in light?
(that's in everything, right?)
or any damn opening at all?
"
"when king eglon was stabbed in the gut,
the fat closed in over the cut.
ehud's bold inside jab
went through all the king's flab.
'twas a case that was open and shut.
"
"if by chance you could get introduced
to the whalebird, you might be seduced.
with a bill like a shoe,
it would grace any zoo ?
yes, balaeniceps rex rules the roost.
"
"after many long months of privation
on this deep-frozen south polar station,
my relief has arrived,
i survived! i survived!
o euphoria, rapture, elation!
"
"""i'm broad-minded.  don't call me a prude,
but that photo i find rather crude.""
""well, it has people gawking,
and it sure gets them talking.
it's a great conversation piece, dude!""
"
"right out of the window she's thrown
to the dogs. her depravity's known
from 2 kings in the bible
(that compendium tribal) ?
o bitchery! jezebel's own.
"
"will i go to duluth or new york?
can a free choice be made when roads fork?
some philosophy schools
say necessity rules ?
spin owes a large credit to torque!
"
"though this newspaper guy's often tootin'
ideas i might be disputin',
they are not worth the ink,
or the trouble, i think,
to contest ? after all, who's salutin'?
"
"when joshua said ""sun, stand thou still"",
god obliged him ? ye gods! what a thrill!
thus he slew all his foes.
(scripture ? that's how it goes.)
at the end of the day there were nil.
"
"an intense ecological vision
steered this author's thematic decision.
when engaged in contention
with specious dissension,
he would just mow it down with derision!
"
"i think jesus would see a fine jest
in the way his believers contest.
often push comes to shove
in religions of love ?
at cross purposes sums it up best.
"
"exclaimed crick, ""i've the answer, look here!
this new twist has made everything clear.
with that picture of rosie's,
it all comes up posies ?
elementary, watson, my dear!""

cried watson, ""we've beaten old pauling!
oh, francis, i just feel like bawling!
a spiralling ladder!
i knew that we had 'er!
already i hear stockholm calling!""
"
"i've no doubt there was more than a gram of
real joking intent when that sham of
a three-authored paper
was published (some caper!)
by alpher and bethe and gamow.
"
"those who took him too lightly would pay ?
knocked right out at the end of the day.
for the fists of ali
were a marvel to see;
this boxer was no common clay!
"
"rob ford is a man who astounds.
round the world his behaviour resounds.
smoking crack, spraying flak,
drunk and blowing his stack ?
'his fatuousness' bursts all the bounds.
"
"when nebuchadnezzar got cranky,
he would tolerate no hanky-panky.
he would let no one snigger at
his wonderful ziggurat,
the magnificent etemenanki.
"
"""since our data was truly outmoded,
and we wanted to show the encoded
inner works of the bomb,""
said the spy, with aplomb,
""the whole diagram's simply exploded!""
"
"to a lower rank boss they'd say ""yassuh"".
but the guy at the top surely has a
strong claim to more deference,
so, in light of his preference,
it was always, for mazza, ""yes, massa"".
"
"by way of, you know, reparation,
i said, ""pardon my belch.""  a sensation!
""i don't like what i heard.
please don't use that bad word.
so much nicer to say 'eructation'.""
"
"'twas a wager i failed to prevent.
he accepted, set out with intent.
but bare-assed, quite unclad,
it seemed totally mad
to assent to th'ascent for a cent.
"
"their first goose egg was gold, not a naught.
kill the goose? a big 'goose egg' they got.
aesop lays it all out:
greed is what it's about ?
that auriferous, anserine plot.
"
"is your nation engulfed in deep trouble?
though you'll risk quick reduction to rubble,
i can offer this cure
(it's the new curse du jour) ?
may the west bring you aid on the double.
"
"got my trade guy today on the phone.
asked: ""to what shipping threats are we prone?""
he said, ""focus of fears
is the 'gateway of tears'.
bab el mandeb is how it's best known.""
"
"was she good with her dance partner? nope.
so she said to him (struggling to cope),
""gee, i don't want things marred for you,
if i'm making it hard for you,
you won't hold it against me, i hope.""
"
"does your limerick seem total dross?
such a waste that you'll give it the toss?
don't despair. aid's at hand.
the oedilf has a band
who will help you avoid complete loss.
"
"there's no man-made or natural law
against making a minor faux pas;
so in bed, if i name,
by mistake, an old flame,
then just why does it rub my wife raw?
"
"the word don't makes my ardor abate,
as does stop, which is sure to deflate.
but where each ban alone
might elicit a groan,
put together, they're totally great!
"
"one of my favorite poems
of oliver w. holmes,
hailed a buggy, a shay.
(was it buggy? no way!
its encomia could have filled tomes.)
"
"the scripture of mormons, so deep,
boasts a language of biblical sweep.
i tried reading the book
that's called ether.  it took
almost no time to put me to sleep.
"
"while it's true disputations obstetric
might give rise to some real heated rhet'ric,
just how hot, i confess,
would be hard to assess
using measurements calorimetric.
"
"lines of caterpillars crawl from the plant,
newly hatched, down the rampway aslant.
monsters gather en masse,
crushing flowers and grass.
their great bulk makes me feel like an ant.
"
"so this verse is a crime, you're asserting?
gee, that animadversion is hurting.
didn't need any stuffing,
or huffing and puffing.
i would hope that it's merely diverting.
"
"i was petting an old bovine friend
(i hope that this tale won't offend),
when i heard something drop
with an audible plop ?
""a cowpat,"" i thought, ""at each end!""
"
"when computer screen lettering shrinks,
oft the look of diagonals stinks.
if you want to correct
that bad staircase effect,
antialiasing smooths out the kinks.
"
"""these yarns aren't as fine,"" said the buyer,
""as your yarn-spinning."" ""call me a liar?""
quoth the merchant, ""now look,
i can swear by the book...
are you really a denier denier?""
"
"it reads annuit coeptis ? a spell?
novus ordo seclorum as well?
those words on the seal
may convey a great deal ?
but when's manifest destiny's knell?
"
"when a trinidad singer was inked
by a paper that said he was linked
to some end-of-world cults, he
complained, ""that insults me.
i sing 'pocalypsos."" ? then winked.
"
"the multiple choice seemed so trite.
he's the master of all: 1) great light.
2) created the world.
3) thunderbolts hurled.
4) all a th'above.  clearly right!
"
"""see, this gal is a cutter,"" doc said,
as he showed me her arms, scarred and red.
""a tough case,"" he went on,
""since it's pretty far gone,
but the problem is all in her head.""
"
"there's a fact that arouses my choler.
i'm so mad that i just want to holler,
'cause it sums up my life,
and it cuts like a knife.
this is it: one more day, one more dolor!
"
"the pot peddler sure showed some pluck,
but i think he was pushing his luck
when he posted an ad
saying, ""i am the lad
that'll give you more bhang for your buck.""
"
"her attractance was noticed by all
as soon as she entered the ball.
she used pheromone spray
to help lure boys away
from their dates to go meet in the hall.
"
"it's atrociousness, oui, mon ami:
dry foie gras, cold duxelles, brittle brie.
as the sous-chef explained,
that's the way he was trained
at the airline bad food compagnie.
"
"my zodiac sign is ascendant,
or so said the hotline attendant.
i call horoscope lines
to discern if my sign's
still arising or turning descendant.
"
"with sweat streaking, he reached for the bomb.
he heard ticking; he tried to stay calm.
in the movie scene's hut
the director yelled, ""cut!""
with assuredness, poise, and aplomb.
"
"a scribe who'd been able and chaste
wrote some lim'ricks, uncouth and debased.
they're ascribable to
his imbibing bad brew.
like his lim'ricks, it left a bad taste.
"
"when assigning the note of a debtor
one should ask what is legally better:
for assignors to sign, or
employ an assigner?
it's not merely the change of a letter.
"
"i'm abstemious, drinking no booze;
when i eat, it's small portions i choose.
all the money i save
i invest to engrave
my whole body in lurid tattoos.
"
"a mad cleric once dug a deep well
to prove satan in hades did dwell.
but the heat padre felt
caused his shovel to melt;
the asthenosphere's hotter than hell.
"
"the corporate ladder's ascendable,
but only if work is commendable.
some people, one finds,
think that kissing behinds
is as good, but i think they're expendable.
"
"they absconded and left him alone.
while he ate in his tent they had blown.
he'd heard shouting and then,
""let's absquatulate, men!""
but its meaning to him was unknown.
"
"name a cubitus valgus causation?
a genetically based malformation
(so your elbow, when dangled,
turns outwardly angled)
or a break in a nasty location.
"
"in america, boy, it's a right.
we're armiferous?ready to fight.
well, there might be a shooting,
or maybe some looting,
but we're almost militia. (not quite.)
"
"""great ali ibn abi talib
was islamic, a caliph, no dweeb.
he married the daughter
of the prophet, then slaughter
engulfed him in kufa, najib.""
"
"to see on the uss adder,
the captain must climb the sub's ladder.
but the altiscope trial
makes the officer smile;
he can see while submerged?now he's gladder.
"
"crystal counter: it gives you a score
that is based on collisions galore
from intense radiation.
it's not a location
you'd find in a waterford store.
"
"though the future's uncertain, abstruse,
some augurs put thunder to use.
a cerauno-(boom!)-mancer
thinks bolts hold the answer
(from north's a bad omen). great zeus!
"
"cyclic amp: found in a cell;
formed from atp; able to tell
what to do metabolically;
and, somewhat bucolically,
known as camp to the chemists as well.
"
"for some couples, a future awaits
of repetitive rows and debates,
and a chill in the heart
'til they've drifted apart
into disparate, desperate straits.
"
"there are three hundred clowns in that car;
i don't think they will go very far.
driver's arms at his sides,
he can't move; he just rides.
so, this clown car drives into a bar...
"
"is a mannite-like shortage your plight?
in the silver fir's needles you might
find a method for staving
your mannitol craving:
controlling your abietite.
"
"as my girlfriend and i did advance
through the northeastern region of france,
she asked, ""is this spain?""
""no, alsace, dear lorraine.
try the quiche; go ahead, take a chance.""
"
"i've been sitting here, writing for days,
eating meals at my keyboard. this craze
appears not to be fleeting;
my ass is accreting
to wood in mysterious ways.
"
"doctor sheila said i was amnestic
from quaffing a drink alkahestic.
i've forgotten to pay
sheila's bill to this day.
(line five is just fill anapestic.)
"
"with a mischievous gleam in his eye,
the old wag thumbs his nose to imply
that his archness is meant
to foment some dissent.
he delights in the loud hue and cry.
"
"down the river the pair was agoing.
the current was strongly a-flowing
when one of them said,
""i see rapids ahead,""
and like hell they both started a-rowing.
"
"in victorian days, good deportments
precluded ideas of abortments.
yet girls who were preggers,
not wanting li'l beggars,
found ways ? there were many assortments.
"
"adventism claims that the end
of the world is at hand. some contend
final judgment is near!
better make mine a beer;
armageddon drunk quickly, my friend.
"
"you must promise to stifle your snickers:
i've learned of our randy old vicar's
discreet acquisitions
of sev'ral editions
of aertex suspender thong knickers.
"
"when jason's friend jay moved away,
he'd not see him for many a day.
now that jay has moved near,
(this is touching!) it's clear:
through adjacency, jason sees jay.
"
"i love to watch ladies abduct
in the exercise class i instruct.
but their legs are obstructive
when training's adductive.
it's crass, but to quit, i reluct.
"
"though revealed in some ways a deceiver,
he achieved great renown as a weaver
of suburban-life tales,
and when weighed in the scales,
who can question that he was a cheever?
"
"when ""death be not proud..."" wrote the poet,
his words didn't stop it nor slow it.
it proceeded right on
and declared thus to john:
""you are donne, sir, so kindly just stow it.""
"
"was jesus a deity reified?
or merely a man who was deified?
i care not a jot
for that biblical rot ?
i perceive the world totally me-ified!
"
"my professor described the rotation
of a beam's plane of polarization.
the faraday effect
is its name. (i have checked
and, if needed, can give a citation.)
"
"she was only a lass from the farm,
and she didn't expect any harm;
but the nameplate read: father
f. x. manno depaw the-
rapist.  she fled in alarm!
"
"superstition's got hold of you, honey,
if you carry the paw of a bunny.
you think that it's lucky?
well, think again, ducky.
it's really a foot fetish ? funny!
"
"clearly marsyas thought he could win
when he challenged a god ? what a sin!
for his hubris he paid,
as alive he was flayed.
did he know he was risking his skin?
"
"leave your cities of concrete and grime.
be immersed in italia's soft clime.
our food is delicious,
the prospects auspicious,
and our dolce far niente's sublime!
"
"""single cell to a human? such stunts
darwin proffers ? untrue, i'm no dunce.""
haldane missed not a beat,
saying, ""madam, that feat
you accomplished yourself in nine months!""
"
"i ordered a large double-double
as reward for my toil and my trouble
swotting thees, thous and thines,
all the scottish play's lines ?
i deserved, i'd say, more than a nubble!
"
"they annoy me: i think they're a pain,
and their thoughtlessness drives me insane.
at the grocery store
they're the ones who buy more
than twelve things in the ten-item lane.
"
"driving frightened me so, i was sick;
then i learned self-hypnosis, a trick
that was merely a question
of autosuggestion.
now autos don't scare me a lick.
"
"astrophotographs taken have shown
a large mass, blue in hue, source unknown.
the astronomers' math
has shown earth's in the path
of this huge asteroidal blue stone.
"
"to aseptically handle the food,
a collection of gloves he accrued.
but some gloves were too loose
and while cooking his goose,
one fell off his left hand and was stewed.
"
"when i sing in a voice that is strong,
all my neighbors complain loud and long.
but it doesn't faze me
if i sing out of key.
i atonally belt out the song.
"
"it flavors, and makes some food thick;
and emusifies fats really quick.
it is arabic gum,
called acacia by some ?
in your hair, it makes bubble gum stick.
"
"the apparat clearly is not
the best place for launching a plot.
one should never forget
if the duma says nyet
then the plotter will likely get shot.
"
"in troy, the greeks feigned to vamoose,
and their gift led one guard to deduce,
""using avoirdupois weight,
this horse left at troy's gate
must weigh, pound for pound, more than zeus.""
"
"my future ex-wife did avouch,
""i'll make no bones about it ? don't slouch! ?
i think you're perverse,
gross, aversive, and worse ?
you don't listen?hey, feet off the couch!""
"
"atheistical people explain	
lack of faith is not hard to maintain.
they spend sundays in bed,
and in crises instead
of their praying, they simply refrain.
"
"your honor, my client's aggrieved
by her ex-fianc?. she believed
his most blatant deception
re his contraception.
and so was the baby conceived.
"
"i have recently read a report
by two experts declaring, in short,
that atlantes are not
really paid a whole lot
for sustaining the roofs they support.
"
"for a fusion dish weird and yet tony,
from ear shells, use meat (it's not bony).
grind the meat (wash it first),
then combine it with wurst,
and you'll have abalone baloney.
"
"a wry writer who ordered a drink,
a rye whiskey (his fifth) said, ""i think
if i blow point-two-oh
then for sure things will go
all awry, and i'll land in the clink.""
"
"the great aberdeen angus, my son,
is the principal steer, number one.
they're raised mostly today
in the u. s. of a.,
but were first bred in scotland. hoots, mon!
"
"i'm not type a, i'm archetype a.
i'm the model through which we portray
our behavior: i whine
when i stand in a line.
i'm impatient; get out of my way!
"
"the old angler, to no one's surprise,
stood in waders, aspersing the guys.
then a wag who heard all
said out loud in his drawl,
""he is casting aspersions, not flies.""
"
"astronautically speaking, an ape
anteceded a man to escape
far from gravity's clutch,
where he didn't do much
with no porthole through which he could gape.
"
"he agreed and was sworn to defend,
to stand up, give a fight, never bend.
this left tackle gave chase;
with a deadly embrace
he assaultively met the tight end.
"
"there's nothing that's surer or purer
for raising a lloyd's member's furor
than sending in claims
in multiple names
for one loss when they're the assuror.
"
"evolution: it's time that we ended
teaching kids that from apes we descended,
not because some contended
id is more splendid:
i'm told that the apes are offended.
"
"hung over, i couldn't abide
the headache or nausea, so i'd
antidotally use
a few ounces of booze;
without ""hair of the dog,"" i'd have died.
"
"anchovies ees small salty feesh;
they add a strong taste to a deesh.
i no like them but eet-sa
what's on-a my pizza
so no one else eats it, capeesh?
"
"side-by-side the two ships anchored down.
from ship one seaman brown left for town.
from the other's crow's nest
was heard, ""keep me abreast!""
""better yet, i'll keep two!"" wisecracked brown.
"
"atm's have become, i avow,
indispensable items. but now
i wish it weren't hard
to dispense with my card;
it's too easy to milk this cash cow.
"
"joan approached at a feverish pace,
and she said, showing fear in her face,
""the skeeters are feedin';
i'm bitten and bleedin'!
they're aedine?i'm outta this place!""
"
"a large hurricane blew through the state.
where for hours it refused to abate.
the assureds got a screwing
and now they are suing
insurers who paid them half rate.
"
"the old pol had some staffers who meant
to dissemble and misrepresent.
one assaultive old flack
was turned loose to attack
his opponent one hundred percent.
"
"the word agro-'s a prefix that means
field or soil (of the kind that grows beans).
if in london you hear
the word aggro, i fear
there'll be trouble, so call the marines!
"
"while hunting for whales in a boat,
as i fired, the mate yelled at full throat,
""the harpoon is aduncous!""
and it curved back and sunk us.
now flotsam and jetsam, we float.
"
"to me it's a keyboard for midgets,
but this kid has the serial fidgets.
as he taps on his cell
like a demon from hell,
i can see he's all thumbs with his digits.
"
"that fierce hun who in history wields
sharp-edged weapons and carbuncled shields,
had a namesake pacific,
growing gardens prolific.
he's renowned as 'attila of fields'.
"
"in times past doctors used to restrain
those in surgery ? not so humane,
but a stiff shot of brandy
might've worked out just dandy.
with enough, they'd be feeling no pain!
"
"while christ's ending makes christian hearts bleed,
there is one event not in their creed:
no crowds rushed to the cross
to weep over their loss ?
there's no biblical calvary stampede.
"
"oh, my old english prof was a joy.
witty figures of speech he'd deploy;
as, when hoisting a drink,
he once said, with a wink,
""metaphors aye be with you, me boy.""
"
"though it brought henrietta no glory,
still it was a long sought-after quarry;
and it lacks not a name,
this cell lineage of fame ?
immortal ? one hela-va story!
"
"some canadian people are potters.
many others are serial jotters.
and as for the rest ?
artists all (i don't jest):
wood huers and drawers of waters!
"
"""let the sinless one cast the first stone.""
jesus spake.  next ? a rock and a moan.
""who dared cast that?"" he cried,
then the thrower he spied ?
""gee, you tick me off, mom!"" with a groan.
"
"the debtor was sweet.  as her creditor
i could hardly behave like a predator.
since the debt gave her grief,
she appealed for relief.
i'm such an old softie ? i wedded her.
"
"the vehicle might seem asleep,
till it suddenly utters a peep.
it's been put in reverse,
and its message is terse:
beep beep beep (clear the way!) beep beep beep.
"
"the cowpoke, while munching tostados,
was stopped by some mean desperados.
he drew from his boots
dual pear-shaped green fruits,
and then beaned them with ripe avocados.
"
"when my analyst, old dr. crandall,
asked me why i had broken the handle
off the tap on his sink
i replied, with a wink,
""'cause my inner child, doc, is a vandal.""
"
"he calls himself ""japanese rocky"",
and claims his hometown's nagasaki.
but whenever he'll box
he'll absorb lots of shocks,
for his head is enormous and blocky.
"
"said the chairman, ""we must not forget
to cover up all our bad debt.
i will call it goodwill?
i will act as its shill?
so our balance sheet balances yet.""
"
"he attempts to achieve through sheer force,
and adapts to quick changes of course.
he's an arab, my friend,
but don't let me offend,
for i speak not of man, but of horse.
"
"the prince took his court to the zoo,
where he tried to impress the whole crew
by annoying a lion,
who ate the young scion.
he died asininely?boo hoo!
"
"""left turn only,"" it said at the light;
you ignored it ? turned right out of spite.
you're amorally bent
for not knowing it meant
that a right's wrong; a left is what's right.
"
"atlanticists must look askance
at rummy's depiction of france
in his ""old europe"" crack
re the war in iraq
as a flip and impolitic stance.
"
"his assertion was strong as could be.
""i'm convinced that on this you'll agree:
asseverative is
a good word for a quiz,
but it certainly can't describe me.""
"
"i couldn't get up, but i shoulda.
if only i'd known, then i woulda.
i'd that symptom that ails
mostly middle-aged males;
if i'd had some viagra, i coulda.
"
"in amsterdam on a retreat,
i rescued a dog in the street.
i was amply rewarded:
this score thus afforded
assuagement of munchies. let's eat!
"
"our toddler observed from her chair
as we bickered (and, sometimes, i'd swear).
her absorbtive young brain
chose choice words to retain,
for she asked, ""what's that s**t over there?""
"
"when the ag students toured on their own
through a fowl-breeding fair they were shown
autosexing techniques.
there's one kid with red cheeks
who had thought it meant, ""do it alone.""
"
"it bleaches: your whites it will whiten;
populations of germs it will lighten.
it comes in a powder.
if added to chowder,
the death rate by poison will heighten.
"
"i likes necklaces, diamonds and rings,
but i had me no cash for dem t'ings,
so i'm sittin' in sing sing
for boostin' some bling bling:
dese bracelets i'm wearin'?dey stings!
"
"ancient greece told a tale of despair,
of a cyclops who lived in a lair
and had cornered a crew,
then had eaten a few.
his opinion of greeks? ""tough butt fare.""
"
"when they warned him of falling he laughed.
all his neighbors and friends think him daft.
but the steeplejack's brave;
with a smile and a wave,
he ascendantly works at his craft.
"
"at the baptism, mother had cursed
when the priest got her kid's names reversed.
when the sprinkling had ceased,
both the baby and priest
would have each in their way been aspersed.
"
"on the bering sea, i saw some floaters;
took a bearing, approached, cut both motors.
they were herring, these fish,
and they make quite a dish
lightly salted and smoked. they're called bloaters.
"
"black alder? that show on tv?
it's funny! it's on bbc.
i'm wrong? is that so!
the next thing i'll know,
you'll say it's a shrub or a tree.
"
"the old wag, who writes lim'ricks for fun,
has been warned. they said, ""look here, old son:
keep on writing manure
and in hell you'll adure.""
this ditty, i'd say, is strike one.
"
"jayson blair, the reporter, had zeal,
but his ""news"", it turns out, wasn't real.
his auctorial bent
to deceive and invent
has helped land him a six-figure deal.
"
"it means ""slightly resembling,"" for sure
(but that use is at present obscure),
also ""shadowing forth""
(but which way?south or north?).
this adumbrant word's lost its allure.
"
"""i'm a liar,"" a man once averred.
but could you believe this man's word?
his avouchment is true
if it's false. this is due
to a paradox cretans have stirred.
"
"i said to a copper last night
who'd stopped me for running a light,
""i'm an achromat, see,
red's like yellow to me.""
his citation was writ black and white.
"
"a warrant was issued today
in texas. it had this to say:
""we order detainment,
and next the arraignment
of thomas 'the hammer' delay.""
"
"as that arafat guy is deceased,
the chances for peace have increased.
i say, yessir, it's clear
now that yasser's not here,
calm may slowly pervade the mideast.
"
"when i learned what was in my andouille,
i spat it right out with ""patooey!""
they make it with dreck?
bits of stomach and neck.
it's a cajun delight; i say, ""phooey!""
"
"at christmas, young tubers forego
rejoicing, though they're in the show
as they roast all day long,
like the line in that song,
""'tater tots with their eyes all aglow.""
"
"electron spectroscopy shows
just which atoms are present. suppose
that this fellow, auger,
hated chemistry ? they
would have named it for whom? heaven knows.
"
"in the souk (the old mercantile quarter)
is ali's, a used button importer.
the worst job in that dive
is when cases arrive
and ali makes you button assorter.
"
"black friday's upon us today.
'tis the season: stores say, ""let us prey.""
the great unwashed pours
through the stores' open doors?
no?l, the american way.
"
"""little chickens will fall from the sky!
they'll infect us, and then we'll all die!""
news of bird flu is read
by a dumb talking head,
both of which are in oversupply.
"
"the director expected that hector
would inspect every section, then vector
how to cut them in half,
which he did on a graph.
he's the sector-by-sector bisector.
"
"""no way, sir!"" said bluejacket crowe
when asked if he wanted to go
""on the beach"". ""i'll confide
i prefer it inside,
'cause the beach is all covered with snow.""
"
"with flu is when i'm at my achiest;
the fever and chills make me shakiest.
if nyquil i take,
on the floor i will wake,
for nyquil is what makes me flakiest.
"
"he reneged, that revolting cad walter,
when he left his betrothed at the altar.
all her brothers gave chase.
when they caught him apace,
each took turns as vile walter's assaulter.
"
"diagnosed as arteriosclerotic?
that's no reason to make you neurotic.
your ducts aren't elastic,
and though this sounds drastic,
as illness, it's not so exotic.
"
"the great hunger we're feeling transcends
any yearning we've had. it portends
that most likely we might
eat some roadkill tonight.
how's your appetite now, my dear friends?
"
"we're agynous, all of us guys.
we're minus those things that comprise
girlie parts, like the pistil.
a plant on a tryst'll
hitch rides on a bee as she flies.
"
"assignment: ""write lims on each word,
though most, we are sure, you've not heard.""
for days i stared, blear-eyed,
and drank too much beer. i'd
been shunning the trite rhyme absurd.
"
"a transparent aspirer, undaunted,
in the x-ray department had flaunted
her desire to be boss,
which she did at her loss,
for they clearly saw through what she wanted.
"
"here, a lim'rick defines every word;
i admit that of most i've not heard.
some were used in the day
of the tintype (that's way
back when achroous prints were transferred).
"
"10-12 for the 10-43
on the cop code you hear on tv.
the one you hear more
than them all is 10-4!
that means ""yes"" in police repartee.
"
"there are times when i cannot fulfill
my role as a man, if you will.
but thank god for pfizer
the woman's no wiser:
i'm big on that little blue pill.
"
"ablaze! is a book that gained fame
by alleging that folks burst aflame.
""was spon-tane-yus combustion
what caused his adustion,""
i heard a dim yokel proclaim.
"
"the comic felt imminent doom
as he bombed and spread palpable gloom.
as his act was bereft
of good jokes, by stage left,
he applaudably ran from the room.
"
"at the risk of my sounding incursive,
i say that i find you aversive.
your diet, i think,
is what's making you stink,
and that fan on your desk is dispersive.
"
"fidel castro's head chef is quite stressed,
for the penne he cooked coalesced.
since the old presidente
likes pasta al dente,
the chef is now under arrest.
"
"his thirst had caused pain most severe:
assuage one and they both disappear.
so to tavern he went
where they did both relent
as he drank thirteen gallons of beer.
"
"my lexicon wasn't worth beans.
to improve it, i'm using routines:
see, i started with a,
to am- made my way.
next i'll learn what ameliorate means.
"
"you know, ambergris (found in entrails
of leviathans, not in their tails)
is in perfume and food.
that's why pequod pursued
moby dick, a.k.a. prince of whales.
"
"she abandoned me here in my truck,
out of town, out of cash, out of luck.
she took my new shoes
and my bottle of booze.
i'm alone and i'm feeling a schmuck.
"
"destroying a nominee's known
as borking, a practice that's grown.
opposition attacks
through political hacks
and the press is how hokum is sown.
"
"the deck hand was bending down toward
the bucket where bait had been stored;
splitting pants down the back,
he showed way too much crack;
'twas abhorred by all anglers aboard.
"
"he was one who attempted to show
that his family was valid. although
the poor addon would fail,
we remember his tale
as a case of what fathers bestow.
"
"in this rush-hour traffic i'm thinking
such glacial progression is stinking.
this automobility's
zero utility's
making me contemplate drinking.
"
"a sneak thief who's a.k.a. ""danny"",
and partner in crime, ""wet nurse annie"",
absconded up north
when a dragnet swept forth
to scrutinize each crook and nanny.
"
"per new math with professor carruthers
(i'd skip this course, given my druthers):
a + b = c
but ? d,
making some sums more equal than others.
"
"to a dim-witted farmer occurred
a new way to earn more from his herd:
iron fed to his sheep
would allow him to reap
steel wool ? an idea that's absurd.
"
"michael fay was the foolish young man
who was skillfully lashed with rattan.
showing little remorse,
young fay's caner, with force,
proved his ableness caning mike's can.
"
"north korea, autarchic and shrill,
has been closed by the crazed kim jong-il.
it's a country that bristles
with guns and with missiles,
while citizens don't get their fill.
"
"booty's the word we'll explore,
meaning ""prizes"" or ""plunder of war"";
could be ""riches"" or ""spoil"",
maybe ""butt of a goil"",
or ""a treasure thieves take in a score"".
"
"joe mccarthy had helped to ensnare
the guiltless (the second red scare).
anticommunist rants
of spies, sleepers, and plants
were unproven, mendacious, unfair.
"
"the frankenstein movie i saw
caused affrightment and filled me with awe.
but a summons has come
that's more scary; it's from
frank and stein ? they're attorneys-at-law.
"
"the ""nameless"" are citing a ""right""
to detain foes and hide them from sight.
but the black sites we're using
were built for abusing:
a black mark on us, friends ? a blight.
"
"the ascitic admixture had sapped
all her strength and now had to be tapped.
in her navel was screwed
a chrome tap to exude
seven quarts, then the spigot was capped.
"
"as ol' otto goes out for a spin
in his auto in attu agin,
should he drive for the shore
where there's hostels galore,
or ought otto opt out for an inn?
"
"the actor keeps flubbing the scene
with emotionless work. take fifteen:
when the boss shouts, ""you're fired!""
all at once, he's inspired
and affectively venting his spleen.
"
"the brunette, to look more like a belle,
thought that ash blonde would work very well.
but she did something rash:
mixed peroxide with ash.
now the color is ugly as hell.
"
"the antiobesity crowd
has suggested i not be allowed
to eat like a piggy.
well, piss off, miss twiggy!
pass the meatloaf. i'm fat, and i'm proud!
"
"in spain, at a bullfight, jos?
bought a drink at a ringside caf?.
not some booze or that ilk?
it was coffee and milk,
known by locals as caf? ol?.
"
"aluminum? blimey, i say!
yanks simply must learn the right way
of naming this metal.
on this, let us settle:
it's lightweight and silvery-grey.
"
"as his butt hit the road, he felt pain
from his coccyx way up to his brain.
and the asphaltic chips
that got stuck 'tween his hips
means from sitting he'll have to abstain.
"
"my novel returned. to my dread,
a rejection slip clipped to it said,
""here's something to strive at:
do not use 'arrive at'
to finish a sentence."" signed, ed.
"
"richard nixon's is eight-ninety-five.
gerald ford's is worth less (he's alive).
i collect and i traffic
in things autographic.
""john hancocks"" i sell to survive.
"
"she would dress as no other girl had:
shirts of pink over pants of green plaid.
by ascribing her lapse
to bad genes, then perhaps
she was blaming her mom and her dad.
"
"michael jackson must live in a dream,
and he sure doesn't lack self-esteem.
well-known as a whacko,
he's taken, this jacko,
autolatry to an extreme.
"
"i spent youth in a state of tumidity,
hotly chasing what now seems cupidity.
but now that i'm old
i've been sapped by the cold;
i've grown limp from pernicious algidity.
"
"in snooker or pool take your cue,
then set the next shot in your view.
if the balls line up straight
it's not hard to play great;
but an angled shot's harder to do.
"
"that tree standing ninety feet tall
ain't indigenous here. that's not all:
the australian pine
isn't pine by design,
and it's known for its penchant to sprawl.
"
"in psychology courses you'll learn
in the anal stage two-year olds yearn
to glean joy from their bums.
it's not smutty; that comes
when the genital stage takes its turn.
"
"astrologically speaking, i'm torn,
and all horoscopes leave me forlorn.
ask my sign and i answer,
""i'm leaning towards cancer,
uncertain of when i was born.""
"
"most pretensions are just a disguise
of a type that most people despise.
attitudinize, friend,
and our friendship will end;
your esteem will reduce in my eyes.
"
"""i could die! i must look like a fool!""
cried my daughter, ""it's just so uncool!""
i became her afflicter
the moment i picked her
up late on my moped at school.
"
"biunique is my word of the day.
here the bi- prefix means it's two-way.
the -unique part, my son,
means exchange, one-to-one,
by unique sets ? of what? they don't say.
"
"at the skeet competition, ms. krupp
and her boyfriend had lost the gold cup.
""it's your fault,"" he proclaimed.
since her kick was well-aimed,
now her boyfriend needs help getting up.
"
"an infection can make you dyspeptic;
in this i believe ? i'm no skeptic.
when germs are a scourge
what most doctors will urge
is the use of a strong antiseptic.
"
"i have found an archaic contraption
that changed with the decades' elapsion.
it's lengthened with time,
and is easy to rhyme:
adaptation was spawned from adaption.
"
"to quadruple my output i may
guzzle four pots of coffee today.
it is cheap; though it's nigh
an amphetamine high,
it is legal ? its use is okay.
"
"an assyriologist, joan,
had traveled to baghdad alone
via quaint abu dhabi.
she digs hammurabi,
whose code had been carved in black stone.
"
"from the top of the canopy where
there's a platform, the tourists all stare:
they apically gape
at the shape of the ape
far below, picking lice from his hair.
"
"autogenic activities rage
as my body advances in age.
what was frequent and certain
now's often inert 'n
makes appetites hard to assuage.
"
"if a set (filled with elements), x,
self-permutes as a group, one suspects
""automorphism"" is,
on the algebra quiz,
the one answer the teacher expects.
"
"rhett bragged of a horse he had vetted:
betz placed grudging wagers and fretted.
rhett urged him to go
and bet all of his dough:
rhett abetted the bets betz had betted.
"
"the word of the day is bevue.
it means blunder, a screw-up, snafu.
a usage example?
line 1 is a sample:
i omitted the accent aigu.
"
"can ernie's two docs ascertain
the reason his ass is in pain?
to say these internists
are working in ernest's
an asinine pun i disdain.
"
"""been injured?"" the billboard shouts out.
""call the office of weisel & flout.
we'll sue 'em, pursue 'em,
and thoroughly screw 'em?""
some barratrous touts, without doubt.
"
"the kitten adorably played,
and naively approached, unafraid.
but her trust went like that
when i brought the damn cat
to the vet, where the tabby was spayed.
"
"mr. murphy's sartorial woes
are overt from his head to his toes.
his suits are misshapen;
there's just no escapin'
ol' murphy's amorphy in clothes.
"
"there's pollen, dust, dog hair ? oh my!
also lobster and nuts ? i could cry.
i've been made schizophrenic
by things allergenic;
at least, so the voices imply.
"
"in the apple, some flies tend to hide
a larva that grows up inside.
this larva's a maggot;
that apple ? don't bag it!
i don't eat worms raw ? only fried.
"
"when acme banana was sued,
the judge rather poorly construed
the laws on the books.
but i fear, though it looks
quite appealable, acme is screwed.
"
"easy credit cards helped to provoke
a balance so large i could choke.
the damn things, i despair,
are accessibly there!
i must cut them in two ? or go broke.
"
"our goal is to be the premier
collection of limericks, my dear.
a blue-sky objective?
hell, no's the collective
perspective of authors found here.
"
"we all strive to put stress on beat three
in an anapest rhythm, you'll see.
but some words i can name
leave you short of this aim ?
for example, attainability.
"
"while assembling this limerick i found
that one rhyme which redounds is wound round.
for a perfect example
of this you can sample
lines one, two and five (the -ound sound).
"
"if asceticism ever takes root
then our problems won't be so acute.
we'll shed weight by the ton,
and when all's said and done
i will fit once again in my suit.
"
"""i can't sit in the stands,"" said mcclure.
""i can't stand sitting down, that's for sure.""
with his tokhes aflame,
he can't go to the game.
he'll put salve on his rash as a cure.
"
"""just look at the size of his butt!""
i heard as i sealed the cask shut.
i was taken aback
and affronted! the crack
was about the big cask, that's what's what.
"
"what he did to uganda: obscene!
senseless killing, to him, was routine.
tens of thousands there died
from the terror applied
by the infamous idi amin.
"
"at my high school reunion, miss shue,
who'd taught english, said, ""don't i know you?""
i, feeling vindictive
and, oh, so afflictive,
said, ""it's me what you learned grammar to.""
"
"i was heading abaft from afore
and was taken aback by the roar
of a thundering blast
from amidships. avast!
she is heading adown! swim for shore!
"
"when in maine, if ""ayuh"" you should hear
in response to your question, don't fear:
we're denoting accord,
and mean nothing untoward?
it means ""yes"" to the people up here.
"
"my elderly uncle and aunt
bought a huge aphrodisiac plant.
their attempt was quixotic
and antierotic;
though auntie's erotic ? he can't.
"
"quadratic equations are hard,
and abstracts like rings leave me scarred.
algebraical stuff
is a pain in my duff;
it's the only damn f on my card.
"
"from the set of james bond comes the word
of two aftershocks, maybe a third.
but the star, it is said,
slept right through them in bed:
we're told he was shaken, not stirred.
"
"as the waiter was carving her duck,
his knife cut her coat. rotten luck!
for the slash in her raiment,
she caused an affrayment
by noisily running amok.
"
"in rome in augustus's day,
playing ball in the house was okay.
since its inner d?cor
had no roof?just a floor,
in these atriums children could play.
"
"the mother, appearing in court,
claimed i was the father. in short,
the judge's refusal
to bar her accusal
means i will be paying support.
"
"an august master chef, escoffier
(whose brigade system's still used today),
put himself well above
those who quarrel and shove
in a pompous chef's kitchen affray.
"
"as dwight's father delivered the trite,
""two wrongs, son, do not make a right,""
dwight retorted a deft,
""but three rights make a left!""
as adroitly, dad grounded young dwight.
"
"my spirits are down, i confess.
o, woe atrabiliousness!
perhaps some bad food
has affected my mood,
and has given me gastric distress.
"
"i dined with the psych ward's director.
no gourmet, he's more an affecter.
we'd chianti with liver
and fava beans (shiver)!
i won't eat again with doc lecter.
"
"the old wag had been angered before
by an internet outage. what's more,
he grows angrier still
when the net takes a spill
and his self-rfa he can't score.
"
"it's a town in nebraska, and he
starred as hawkeye in m*a*s*h on tv.
here's a third and last hint:
this girl sang for a stint.
the name alda applies to all three.
"
"she thought pasta sauce ought to be red;
i served garlic and oil instead.
but the aglio e olio
then caused an imbroglio:
spaghetti was thrown at my head.
"
"if hillary runs in ought-eight,
they'll pillory her in each state.
but she holds in reserve
a campaigner with verve;
as auxiliary, bill will be great.
"
"an assyriological study
a professor performed with his buddy
found cuneiform slabs
made by hand, not prefabs,
that were written quite clearly while muddy.
"
"we found that translations were scanty
while touring through ghana with auntie.
the signs on the wall
were unclear to us all:
we could not comprehend the ashanti.
"
"see, i'm not white or black ? what i mean
is i'm sort of betwixt and between.
i had plenty of fun
in the african sun,
and came back sporting bronze of benin.
"
"if the greatest offenders you're gradin',
i would guess that you won't need persuadin'.
that tall, bearded jihadist
should rank with the baddest,
with so many vile deeds he's been laden!
"
"i say microbes while he prefers germs.
my helminths contends with his worms.
he regards as too airy
my word choice.  i'm wary,
but i think we might still come to terms.
"
"marx's capital tome quickly bred
hope in some, but to others brought dread.
'twas a difficult read,
but to those who took heed,
the author appeared deeply red.
"
"this then was the word from on high:
""build a temple for me, don't ask why.
to ensure all goes well,
i declare bezalel,
son of uri ben hur, as my guy.""
"
"disestablishmentarian, well,
his intention is clear as a bell;
he'd like to unmate
the church from the state,
for some anglicans, 'ringing the knell'.
"
"to resolve an apparent disparity,
and replace fuzzy thinking with clarity,
niels bohr introduced
(thus a long debate loosed)
the notion of complementarity.
"
"the mayor showed the council a mock-up
of the latest design for a lock-up.
this new plan for a slammer
excited a clamor ?
""it's a mess,"" someone yelled. ""what a cock-up!""
"
"well now, chico's a place, to be sure,
though for me not a spot with allure.
but the chico who harks
from the three brothers marx?
he's, ah, giving-a pleasure that's pure.
"
"my friend anna is really a pest.
slams my limericks, even the best.
calls herself ""anna belle"",
dum-dum-dumb!  what the hell ?
does she figure that i'll be impressed?
"
"i'd just purchased my little abode
up in maine last july ? then it snowed.
though it all turned out fine,
the late snow was a sign,
an abodement that maine weather blowed.
"
"beelzebub said, with a smirk,
as he read the old wag's total work,
""it's apparent to me
that you'll soon get strike three:
you'll be burning in hell then, you jerk!""
"
"at ammah, a hill to the east
of gibeon, joab had ceased
his pursuit for a night
during abner's swift flight.
joab killed him at king david's feast.
"
"the psychologist wrongly propounded
associationist theories that sounded
like they're totally void
of the teachings of freud
and reductionist schools he had founded.
"
"we eat tapas, sashimi, and roes,
lamb tagine, and then flan. heaven knows
what cuisines we'll accrue
in our melting pot stew
as assimilationism grows.
"
"the urbanite started to shudder
from abnormal fear of the udder.
as he toured the milk farm,
to his growing alarm,
he saw one of 'em after anudder.
"
"the old wag is too hard to subdue,
and his acritude keeps coming through.
he's too caustic and sharp;
on religion he'll harp.
he hears satan announcing, ""strike two!""
"
"the cannibals rubbed down the pole
with peppercorns, crushed in a bowl.
as they tied up their prey,
she heard one of them say,
""stake au poivre's not that bad, on the whole.""
"
"she dyed her long tresses ash blond
to resemble the pale demi-monde.
there was one minor slip
when dark hair on her lip
just refused, i'm afraid, to respond.
"
"my amour, who's named victor dupree,
carved professions of love on a tree.
vic said, ""your turn to do it.""
""no way!"" i said, ""screw it!
""i'm loath to claim 'i love v.d.'""
"
"ashkenazic jews' language is real.
it's contributed words such as spiel ?
also matzos and shtick,
schmendrick, goyim, and glik,
meshugina, gelt, and schlemiel.
"
"a new rhesus, named reese, owned by claire,
to her fear, fell asleep in her chair.
she adreaded and fretted
the chair would be wetted:
enuresis in reese is not rare.
"
"at oedilf, i got onto the case
of putting a word in its place.
the word's allative, see,
and it's fifth in degree.
toward the end, i'll now finish apace.
"
"as britney launched into her song,
she wore nothing below but a thong.
her derriere's airier;
the male fans merrier:
they like how she strings them along.
"
"the jolly green giant's reprise,
""ho, ho, ho,"" as he's hoeing his peas;
his great size and fixed grin,
and his green-colored skin
stress his alienness, prompting unease.
"
"jack astringently flavored the tea
with a lemon or two, maybe three.
though i sweetened that sucker,
it still made me pucker.
jack's lemons were too much for me.
"
"you're my buddy, my best friend, my bro;
we've been closer than most chums i know.
but i'm calling it quits,
pal, your stench is the pits:
you've a god-awful case of b.o.
"
"my in-laws were inbound from maine;
i wanted to open a vein.
but their trip was abbreviated;
my angst was alleviated
by amtrak's old broken-down train.
"
"a cobbler decided to stay
in achille, a town in ok.
as he opened a store,
he sent adverts galore
for ""achille's heels ? opening day.""
"
"propeller heads use lots of slang
while bit-banging code in some lang.
i'm confused, i affirm,
by their ballsiest term:
it's their statement that unix can !
"
"a person's agraphic if he's
quite unable to write (a disease).
if its onset is fast,
you won't know when your last
words are written?
"
"while i'm hearing the teacher, i know
my cognition's adrift, to and fro.
though i'm bodily here
there's no auding, i fear,
for my brain's suffered math overflow.
"
"assignability means that you may
transfer ownership, grant or convey.
assignors will assign
when they sign on the line;
assignees will receive the same way.
"
"the forensic accountant's aplomb
was apparent when dropping this bomb:
""as our audit trails show,
there's extensive cash flow
to a veep of this conked out dot-com.""
"
"her old girdle had whalebone stays.
its removal had stopped her malaise.
when she ended her pain
her assuagement was plain.
those stays rubbed her ribs the wrong ways.
"
"the old fisherman simply can't wait;
he'd been sick but he's now feeling great.
his intestines have healed,
and produced a good yield
of ascarides worms for his bait.
"
"ascosporic kids start out as spores
eating carbon and dead wood outdoors.
""don't despair,"" grownups say,
""eat that muck, and one day
ascocarpic physiques will be yours.""
"
"""had a dark side, that turkey i ate.
much gas it caused; burps, i await.""
""drink this cup, master yoda:
bicarbonate of soda.
o, be one with the force. you'll deflate.""
"
"alan greenspan was head of the fed;
his anti-inflation rants shed
little light. all the same,
they were grist for the game
""try to figure out just what al said.""
"
"i wish i had more expertise
in the ways of the birds and the bees.
i keep searching on dates
for appeasable mates
i can please with a ""please baby, please!""
"
"a terrible chef, she had ways
to make aftertaste linger for days.
she used gourmet to cook;
i'd as soon eat the book
with a freshly made dill mayonnaise.
"
"as i sit hear and right i confess
that i'm lazy; my speling's a mess.
to improve at my kraft
i rote draft after draft,
and can now spel assiduousness.
"
"assumably: i have inferred
that the meaning of such an odd word
does imply i'm assuming.
but am i presuming?
assumably, this is absurd.
"
"max schmeling expired today.
an ex-heavyweight champ, he'd parlay
fame and fortune to save
two young jews from the grave
in a brave anti-nazi display.
"
"fact assimilability's key
to succeeding, i think you'll agree.
for if you can absorb
lots of stuff in your orb
then a jeopardy! champ you can be.
"
"there's an asian-american dish
that won't pass through my lips (that's my wish).
it's made of some bits
of black seaweed, and it's
one that features a live, wriggling fish.
"
"the professor, ignoring the clock,
talked of aufkl?rung, newton, and locke.
then a student, astir,
said, ""enlighten us, sir:
tell us why we'd believe in this crock.""
"
"""ain't nobody can say where he at.""
""dem ice creams be smoov, man; dey phat.""
""dis bling bling be onyx.""
i'm hooked on ebonics:
black english be cool. dat be dat.
"
"""i concur that both words mean the same,""
the old wag did agreeingly claim.
he is acting these days
in enjoyable ways:
he's becoming agreeably tame.
"
"one eve, while in eden alone,
adam queried of god on his throne,
""you see this adjunction?
just what is its function?""
said god, ""let me have a rib bone.""
"
"you're a born-again atheist, eh?
just how can that be? tell me, pray!
though no god you revered,
still a vision appeared?
but no one was in it? oy vey!
"
"the dark cave was explored by the troop,
when the scouts heard a howl and whoop.
something ugly and hairy
growled, ""i'm really scary!""
the troop then agrised as a group.
"
"this adair is a very small place.
as uh-dare, it's the name they embrace.
but a jerry named ay-dare
in boston held sway there:
at fenway, he played second base.
"
"autogiros are safe, so they say;
with propeller and rotor they may
avoid spins and not stall.
they're not fast, all in all,
and their mileage is merely okay.
"
"""c'est terrible!"" the critic opined.
""zees auteur must be out of his mind.""
the director's weird style
was distinctively vile.
i've a theory that he'll be maligned.
"
"ascertainment here's never for sure
when both meter and rhyme are obscure,
but by doing this right,
then perhaps i just might
write a limerick that's sure to endure.
"
"at word wealth i'm not at my best;
i'd not studied last night for my test.
there lying in wait
was my teacher, miss tate.
""define ambushment."" trapped, i just guessed.
"
"attornment implies full consent
to new landlords from tenants who rent.
as the landlord is new
then so likely is, too,
the address where the rent will be sent.
"
"an anthropomorphist is one
who attributes to things like the sun
personifications
of human sensations
(example: ""sun rising"", by donne).
"
"lang's old billboard was on the decline.
a past era it helped to define.
now the sign's coming down
and all over the town
old lang's sign's bringing back auld lang syne.
"
"my arteries sure got inflamed!
i consulted a doctor acclaimed.
looking up, he said, ""my,
arteritis. no lie.""
""so fix me up fast!"" i exclaimed.
"
"arthropathy (joint-type disease)
is causing sharp pains in my knees.
but the pills that i take
for the ache also make
my poor heart beat in twos and in threes.
"
"my ant has an aunt, we can glean,
in an anthill near here; she's the queen.
but i can't likewise grant
that my aunt has an ant,
just a costume from last halloween.
"
"eat fava beans cooked in a pan,
be familiarized with the koran,
know the arabic tongue,
how an oud should be strung:
arabism might follow this plan.
"
"my friend said to me, of the army,
""the drill sergeants feather and tar me!
a conflict i pray fer!
i think i'd be safer?
my own are more likely to harm me!""
"
"my arteries, something's not right ?
abnormally thick. what a fright!
the doctor said, ""cheerio!
seems you've got arterio-
sclerosis."" (he's such a delight!)
"
"stack all of the cars in the nation
on high at a single location.
when we measure, oblique,
from horizon to peak,
that's an angle of huge elevation!
"
"anger is something i feel
when i'm driving to town with a seal,
and, despite all my pleas
to my friend from the seas,
he refuses to give me the wheel.
"
"in love with her right from the start,
i foolishly offered my heart.
being hers to abuse,
with the heels of her shoes
she contused it and tore it apart.
"
"o acoustics, the science of sounds,
their production, reflections (rebounds),
their amplification,
control, propagation!
how the glorious music surrounds!
"
"it is c5, and h12, and o.
(amyl alcohol, didn't you know?)
it's one out of eight
isomerics, and great
as a solvent. just watch that dirt go!
"
"he was once an accomplished commander,
and his unit could not have been grander
till he said that his troops
all were morons and dupes,
thus accomplishing nothing but slander.
"
"out of all of the -ism's i hear
there is one that just grates at my ear.
rows of notes with no key,
i can't sing it! oh gee,
this atonalism stinks! is that clear?!
"
"put antlers on mice? what a laugh!
the weight would just cut them in half.
but they don't look so queer
on an elk or a deer.
there are tiny ones on a giraffe.
"
"this report serves as strong ammunition,
as it shows the defendant was fishin'
on the day of the crime
at the same exact time?
oh, forget it. he signed an admission.
"
"aesthetics (attempts to impart
the beauty one sees in one's heart)
might involve painting shapes
with acrylics, or tapes
of performances. i call it art.
"
"since the lady refused your affection,
you're left in a state of abjection.
may i be quite direct?
what else can you expect
with a hobby like garbage collection?
"
"the arboreal people agree
that it's nice to reside in a tree.
i heard one of them say,
""when in branches i play,
every day is gay arbor day! whee!""
"
"to access a document, click
on the icon that looks like a brick.
don't click on the female!
that opens my email,
and some of my letters are sick.
"
"articulations inform as to which
kind of force or duration or pitch
alteration's required
on each note you've desired
to become more symphonically rich.
"
"for typical wakes (close in keeping
with typical thoughts that he's sleeping),
the average achievement
(or normal bereavement)
is blubbering, crying, and weeping.
"
"with ardour i gaze on thee, love;
an angel thou art from above.
tell me not 'tis all over!
i was ever the rover?
i'm the cat amongst pigeons, my dove.
"
"i say grace every now and again.
when i do, i shout, ""listen!"" and then,
""all the food's getting cold!
so before it is old,
let us eat it. so be it. amen.""
"
"with ardor i gazed at my love
as we walked on those cliffs far above.
she just sighed and said, ""wow!
i could die here, right now!""
so i lovingly gave her a shove.
"
"the wheel, an important invention,
needs a spindle, i hasten to mention,
at the center?you're lucky,
the axle's just ducky
for joining your wheels and suspension.
"
"i'll kick you smack dab in the head!
""don't mock my alarm clock,"" i said!
it functions quite well
from the key to the bell.
now again i say, ""get out of bed!""
"
"the dog on tv i just saw
with nettles stuck into his paw
walked two thousand miles
to his family, all smiles!
but my friend just responded with ""aw.""
"
"i submit for approval: a lone
german soldier who answers a phone
and discovers that he,
quite bizarrely, will be
redeployed?to the (grin) twilight zone.
"
"a young lady, intent to arouse
her new lover, decided to browse
through victoria's bras
for the one which would cause
him to stammer out hubba's and wow's.
"
"a cute little aardvark named artie
found ant-loaded meals were too hearty.
so he started to eat
little crackers of wheat,
and became quite the life of the party.
"
"in my email, i got an attachment
(a file or a program dispatchment).
a virus is scary;
i was hesitant, wary,
aware of what starting from scratch meant!
"
"poor charles was divorced and alone,
and he stood next in line for the throne;
so the church was intent
(to assure his ascent)
that the service be civil in tone.
"
"well, a fungus, if hitching a trip,
will adhere with a thick flattened tip.
hyphal branch will attach
(appressorium, natch!),
and it clutches so tight, it won't slip.
"
"a joint, like a knuckle, i spy,
is called an arthrosis. no lie!
the word also points
to disease in those joints
which gradually makes you less spry.
"
"an alley for bowling is made
for a number of games that are played
by rolling a ball
down a lane, i recall,
where it knocks down some pins they've arrayed.
"
"atheism tends to be seen,
by those whose proclivities lean
toward belief (somewhat scary)
in a sovereign tooth fairy,
as immoral, unwise, and obscene.
"
"if europe's a lady, her gut
might be switzerland; holland, her nut.
france, her bosom, so cute.
surely it'ly's a boot,
and ukraine and moldova abut.
"
"half-conscious, asleep on the lawn,
i'm angry and drunk and withdrawn,
and wond'ring where jane is?
you can't know what pain is
'til after your lover has gone.
"
"some ladies, the shape of avoid,
make appled and, fairly annoyed,
efficaciously act;
for a lim'rick abstract
very toply refutes the alloyed.
"
"about antiparticles: when
you're contrasting with neutrons, again,
antineutron is right.
(maybe this time you might
want to write in your notebook in pen?)
"
"articulacy? gloss it? i'll try.
you're expressive, a well-spoken guy.
if to use it you're skittish,
then note the word's british.
(americans, bid it goodbye.)
"
"what causes some starches to split?
well, enzymes! but let me submit
a term, off the cuff,
for this starch-splitting stuff:
it's amylolytic. (that's it.)
"
"some authors i'd like to present:
chris j. strolin, chief editing gent,
and meg beagle, and tim,
and chris doyle (you know him!),
sheilab, and the man from tashkent.
"
"the fact of the matter is this:
the minister told me to kiss
the girl to his right
whom i married. that night,
i descended right down the abyss.
"
"pleasant tones antique cymbals produce?
little discs made of brass, held real loose.
a percussionist dings them.
and he's happy he brings them,
'cause at home, they would be of no use.
"
"a demure archegoniate fern
was extremely delighted to learn
that her genitals, shaped
like a flask, caused escaped
little boy ferns to quickly return.
"
"we find, as we travel around
yerevan, that armenians abound.
the nation, armenia,
is where we have seen ya,
i'd bet you a dram (or a pound).
"
"she asked the attractive young guy,
anticipant of the reply,
if ""your place or mine""
would fit his design,
or whether he'd rather ""goodbye.""
"
"the arikara tribe says hello
in the language arikara, bro!
they dwell near the river
missouri, and shiver
in cold north dakota's deep snow.
"
"this argentite's got a gray hue.
a silvery ore? yes, it's true ?
it's a silver sulfide.
you could find some outside
if you've got nothing better to do.
"
"he had eaten some beans, pork and all,
then he lit up a smoke ? a pall mall.
the autogenous gas
he produced was, alas,
quite explosive and blew out the wall.
"
"an hors d'oeuvre of some doubtful repute,
it has beak, legs, and feathers to boot;
it's an egg of a duck
three weeks old, filled with guck.
it's best eaten when drunk: it's balut.
"
"now palestine's vote is at hand,
and israel's proffered them land.
this new overture's pleasing
and likely appeasing.
let's hope coexistence will stand.
"
"they have opposite meanings, they do:
black and white, tall and short, shrunk and grew.
and ""his name is anonymous""
is surely antonymous
like ""welcome, i bid you adieu.""
"
"in the courthouse, the one down on main,
mr. coltrane appeared to obtain
a license to wed.
""it's my ninth one,"" he said,
so the judges adjudged him insane.
"
"both seanna and suzie were versed
in developing bean plants. the first
anasazi beans sue
saw seanna saw, too.
they're dark red and with white spots dispersed.
"
"i take pride in my lexicon's size.
up to date and informed, i despise
any hip phrase or word
i don't know. this i heard:
au courant ? what the hell's that mean, guys?
"
"that party is out of control;
they're blaring out loud rock and roll.
it's well audible four
miles away, and what's more,
in my eardrum it's punching a hole.
"
"o.j. simpson's assoilment stained
our judiciary: justness restrained.
""if it doesn't fit,""
john said, ""you must acquit!""
'twas poetic, not justice, some deigned.
"
"they all gather outside and blow smoke.
as you pass them, it's hard not to choke.
aspirational goal:
it's to breathe through a hole
in the top of my head ? that's no joke!
"
"autobiography writers
are presidents, actors, or fighters
who churn out a book
'bout themselves: how they took
hist'ry twice, or at seven were biters.
"
"not a limerick for anus! i rue it!
(i suppose someone does have to do it.)
let's just say what you eat,
when digestion's complete,
will eventually exit you through it.
"
"analphabetism's his plight.
his eyes give him adequate sight,
but in bed with a book,
there's no lamp on the hook:
he reads just as well with no light.
"
"the oracle ran from the sarge
and escaped with the loot from the barge.
she's a dwarf, this sly crook,
whom the cops overlook?
what a clever small medium at large!
"
"the anise herb seed is a yeoman
for cookies, liqueurs, and foods roman.
it's related to carrots!
although it has merits,
it's useless for noses of snowmen.
"
"if your summer vacation's begun
and there's nothing you need to get done,
get some sun, feel the rain?
walk from georgia to maine.
appalachian trail hiking is fun!
"
"apprehensive, he waited, intent
on avoiding a tragic event.
but in time he relented;
his fears he had vented,
so off to the barber he went.
"
"alto saxophones (saxes) are known
to project with a wonderful tone.
but chicago's horn section
can't pass an inspection
sans trumpet and jimmy's trombone!
"
"john adams, composer of note:
many pieces of music he wrote.
the most famous is nixon
in china. i'm fixin'
to play mao tse-tung or deep throat!
"
"it's allegro; it moves right along.
it's implying a pretty fast song.
all the lyrics come out
just like tea from a spout.
it's intentional. don't say it's wrong!
"
"the amphibrach's driving this meter.
it certainly isn't eliter
than iamb or trochee.
(hey, check out this bloke! he
has limericked the thing! what a cheater!)
"
"i can't move my foot (i'm not jokin'!)
by the heel, where the doctor is pokin'.
see, i slid into trouble,
my foot hit some rubble?
my ankle got mangled and broken.
"
"a sole individual or strain
whose chromosome group should contain
three or more imitations
from genomic relations?
autopolyploid's the name that shall reign.
"
"long ago, archetypical clothes
were just animal skins, i suppose.
once for warmth, now for style;
some believe in a while
movie starlets will wear only hose.
"
"they hid; they were lying in wait
for the moment i stepped through the gate.
then the ambush began,
and each eager young fan
started asking me out on a date.
"
"""there's a ghost in my alphabet soup!""
i cried to my mom with a whoop.
""it's telling me, 'ooooooo!'""
""now, knock it off, you!
it's anelli,"" said mother, ""you dupe!""
"
"the alcohol found in a drink
tends to render you drunk, i would think.
if you down six or eight
and you don't feel so great,
you might vomit some up in the sink.
"
"apothecaries, once, would report
what the weight of their wares was: in short,
a scruple or dram
or a grain. (now the gram
is the measure to which they resort.)
"
"arise, my good subject, arise!
(but be sure you're averting your eyes!)
all this groveling, kneeling?
it's hardly appealing,
so stand up and show off your size!
"
"it stands as a foregone conclusion
that when you use hinting (allusion)
unclearly, you'll note
that your topic remote
leaves an audience filled with confusion.
"
"an attacca (a musical word
from italian) has meaning unblurred.
when you get to the end,
do not pause. we depend
on your playing right on, undeterred.
"
"i'm anxious, i'm nervous and tense,
and wondering why i'm so dense.
see, i totalled dad's truck
when i followed a duck,
and the stupid thing flew through a fence.
"
"sounds travel, compressing the air
a bit more than what's normally there.
now, the amplitude's size
is how much more. surprise!
that's the loudness of sound (if you care).
"
"by the contract, he was my apprentice ?
though an articled boy, quite portentous!
he developed his style,
put my patience on trial,
and the contract-end day was momentous.
"
"an arpeggio's simply a chord
(at least three notes at once, or a horde!),
but the tones are sequential
(that's something essential
to keeping the harp player bored).
"
"if andante comes off slow and rough,
and allegro is not slow enough,
allegretto might be
the precise cup of tea
for the music. don't think so? well, tough!
"
"the anglos (american whites)
aren't angles, though many are ""rights.""
and when dressed in a suit
some are even ""a-cute.""
""obtuse"" ones? you'll count 'em for nights!
"
"so, do we live in sand? (that would tickle us!)
it is clear that we're not arenicolous.
(if we were crab or snail,
we'd be put in a pail,
and they'd soak us in brine, which would pickle us.)
"
"oh, the accent in music, it looks
like a v that was knocked down by crooks.
what it says? ""hit me hard!
i don't care if i'm scarred!
the composer intends it, you schnooks!""
"
"once a rude little boy named jerome
took some thick polyurethane foam
from the arm of the love seat
and made his mom's doves eat
it all! (please don't try this at home.)
"
"when you add one and one, ""about three""
is a close enough answer for me.
all i got from my wife
was a ""not on your life!""
she's exact on the meaning of we.
"
"if arteries mandate inspection,
you'll lessen the risk of infection
with x-rays; but heed!
for your patient will need
an arteriographic injection.
"
"i'm keeping a basket around
full of yarn i can wind, which i've found
makes my mind sharp and clear.
when i lose it? oh, dear!
i'm a basket case, wholly unwound.
"
"basmati: the crown prince of rice
has renown. it's delectably nice.
basmati: the crown
prince of rice has renown.
it's delectably nice, i say twice.
"
"over two, under two, twice begun.
then start under, repeating till done.
""basket weave, i presume?""
said the girl at the loom,
""aren't you the presumptuous one?""
"
"j. s. bach was a musical bloke
who, between writing fugues for the folk,
found the time to have twenty-
odd kids. he said, ""plenty!
after buying them shoes, i'm baroque!""
"
"a bank takes good care of your money;
when you're needing a gift for your honey,
they can lend you some dough.
(there's no humor here, though,
as a bank really isn't that funny.)
"
"the bartender finally mastered
the drink known as ""suffering bastard.""
""can you mix one for me?""
""sure, i'll make two or three.""
by the end of the night we were plastered.
"
"she primps him and irons his coat
and kisses his shoulders and throat
in front of the boys; in
my view, it's from poison!
she needs to ingest antidote!
"
"from seattle to vegas we're bound.
can't believe all the traffic we've found!
but the copilot knows:
""the altimeter shows
we're a mere seven feet off the ground.""
"
"i just gotta have coke for my nose!
(this addiction is one that i chose.)
sure it costs me a lot,
and my septum might rot,
but my body sure feels like it glows.
"
"while a melody played all alone
might be nice on a flute or trombone,
an accompaniment
(where assistance is lent
by some harmonies) makes it well known!
"
"i invented a mousetrap last fall
twice as good as you'd find at the mall.
but i made just one sample!
down the path, here they trample?
i doubt there'll be ample for all!
"
"arthrodesis: that's when they fuse
the bones that you normally use
in a bendable way.
well, they sure saved the day,
but now how can you put on your shoes?
"
"in the mornings, i drive to the west.
to avoid the sun's glare, that's the best.
afternoons, after earning
my wage, i'm returning
due east, so my eyes are unstressed.
"
"the bugs that we call armored scale
(also called diaspididae), they'll
have some scales (these are facts!)
that are coated with wax,
the ladies much more than the male.
"
"my lawyer and i were concerned:
had my ticket to freedom been earned?
the judge raised his head,
banged his gavel, and said,
""not guilty! this court is adjourned!""
"
"when you're forming a common contraction,
please avoid a familiar infraction.
do be sure that, with taste,
your apostrophe's placed
with precision and great satisfaction!
"
"clear as crystal, parishoners knew
the best thing a christian could do:
the people, as brothers,
said, ""do unto others
as you would have done unto you.""
"
"the acting direction was rage,
but i bawled through each line on the page.
my thespian muse
had me singing the blues,
which continues?without any wage.
"
"belly dancers have abdomens keen
that are key to their rhythmic routine.
sure, it's very exotic
and somewhat erotic,
but, people, it's hardly obscene.
"
"when invaders took poland; the blaze
in chicago; a sudden malaise
from a deadly disease:
each and every of these
we refer to as black-letter days.
"
"though we don't share a father or mother
and our sisters don't know one another,
since we cut both our hands
and our blood mixed, it stands
that he's properly called my blood brother.
"
"my blancmange is a hit with the crew!
it's a pudding, a tasty one too,
using gelatin, rum,
and some almond milk. yum!
it's all gone? i was using the loo!
"
"when a billionaire wagered a bet
on a race to be run by his pet,
all ten million ben franklins
went in. ""it's no prank! lynne's
got speed, so i think i'm all set!""
"
"on eighteen, you stand. a good move!
now you're playing the game! but if you've
got a one or eleven
(an ace) and a seven,
you'd hit, 'cause you'll stand to improve.
"
"yes, this limerick's squarely five-line.
that's a number agreed as divine.
count the syllables? lordy!
they stop before forty,
amounting to just thirty-nine.
"
"the musician sure worked up a sweat
while he played on the bass clarinet
wearing three or four coats
in the heat, playing notes
low and reedy?a choice he'll regret.
"
"""baa,"" goes the woolly ole sheep
when he needs to impart something deep.
but it's irksome, you see,
that he's talking to me
since i'm desperately trying to sleep.
"
"april fool's day is made for the guy
who is willing to go out and buy
some novelty toy
which he'll coyly employ
on his friend to unfasten his fly.
"
"balloons? never cared for them much
'til my arteries clogged up a touch.
doctors cleared up this nasty
with angioplasty;
now i crave them, collect them, and such.
"
"old fred from arabia knew
how to dress, and to slick his hair too.
i've never since seen
any man quite as keen
in a dapper aba dab a do.
"
"the apple is fleshy and round,
red or yellow or green, and is found
on the branch of a tree.
if they're offered for free
it could be they were picked from the ground.
"
"my area code is comprised
of three digits (it's handily sized).
with demand at the max
for both cell phone and fax,
the number of codes was revised.
"
"she used a few buckets of barium
to fill up her brother's aquarium,
so the fish passed away?
what a horrible day!
now it's hers, and a lovely terrarium.
"
"appellation: a name like defoe,
isabella, belinda, monroe,
billie jean, peggy sue,
christian, jeremy, drew,
harry carey, or h. ross perot.
"
"the academists hunger to learn
of the arts or of science. they yearn
to appreciate poe,
or the works of van gogh,
or how wood can ignite and then burn.
"
"if absinthe, a greenish liqueur
with an anise-like taste, you'd prefer,
better hold on real tight!
the effects last all night,
and your mind will be left in a blur.
"
"though for marriage they weren't really matched,
still it happened?a priest was dispatched.
when they kissed in embrace,
braces locked, face to face;
so, for better or worse, they're attached.
"
"while asleep on the sofa at roy's,
i was licked on the face by his boy's
forty-two-kilo hounds!
(nearly ninety-three pounds
when they're measured in avoirdupois.)
"
"astrophysically challenged, by far,
unaware that a dwarf is a star,
he's unsure that they're round.
he think's pluto's a hound.
and the milky way? malted milk bar!
"
"it's worn as a bright colored dot
by women ? some married, some not.
it's a bindi (from bindu?
means ""drop"" to a hindu).
to accessorize saris, they're hot.
"
"if conjunctions are absent, then we
asyndetically list things, you see.
i'd write limericks no more
without either or or.
no if's, and's, or but's would there be.
"
"time just doesn't matter to me,
so i labor asynchronously.
now i think that i'll take
a short well-deserved break...
i'm back ? but my clocks don't agree.
"
"there are times when i cannot deduce
a word's sense, so perhaps i'm obtuse.
it's abstract, as it were,
so i have to refer
to my webster's for words like abstruse.
"
"a curvaceous young vixen was she.
i drew near for i wanted to see
if i had enough nerve
to approach such a curve,
asymptotically though that may be.
"
"should i put on the blue shorts or red?
perhaps i'll wear culottes instead
(getting dressed makes me panic:
i'm aboulomanic),
or maybe i'll stay here in bed.
"
"as the atomization took place,
a fine mist was dispersed into space.
i am asking you, please,
that the next time you sneeze,
have the foresight to cover your face.
"
"adulterize: sin, through and through.
extra-marital flings are taboo.
if she catches you cheatin'
you'll get a good beatin'
in court (and perhaps at home, too).
"
"not all frenchmen are always aloof,
and i have astronautic hard proof:
as the rockets ignite
before ariane's flight,
here's their countdown: ""?deux, un ? c'est le poof!""
"
"the bass drum could hold a young boy!
yes, to some it might look like a toy
(with its colorful shell
and its mallet as well),
but it takes expertise to employ.
"
"don't let harm come to humans?ensure
that you follow man's orders?endure?
in decreasing priority.
robotics authority
asimov's rules had allure!
"
"to the tiger the zookeeper called,
but too late! now he's mangled and mauled,
and in three different places
(not in all, just in traces).
in shock, i just stand here, appalled.
"
"we have moved out to little rock. maw
says we're near mississippi. well, paw
says it's our kansas. yup,
but he got it mixed up,
'cause i know that it's called arkansas.
"
"the sound guy was used to guitar,
having worked in a country-rock bar.
but he's stumped! how to mike a
three-stringed balalaika
from russia? that's stretching too far!
"
"we met on a street in the bronx,
when i noticed we both wore our ankhs.
that loop-headed t
is a come-on to me,
so i goosed her while cars sounded honks.
"
"dragged my pen 'cross the paper. no prank,
made a line that was straight as a plank.
said my friend, ""what's it show?
just what is it?"" ""don't know,
i'm afraid i'm just drawing a blank.""
"
"i suppose it's obnoxious to boast,
but i'm super at cooking a roast!
i'm the best, i'm no liar...
help me put out the fire!
did i mention? i'm quite good at toast!
"
"a gallium antimonide wafer
was a semiconductor you'd pay fer.
still, it dreamed to become
""real conductor,"" the bum,
of the letterman band with paul shaffer.
"
"i am after a smoke, i am needy.
but a tipped cigarette would look seedy.
a cigar? way too big.
what i want, if you dig,
is an indian smoke: just a bidi.
"
"the ashanti made ghana their home
on the coast near the vast ocean's foam.
if they travel, far-flung,
then their akan (kwa) tongue
carries quite the same name as they roam.
"
"an avalanche happens to be
an event (as related to me)
where some boulders (or snow)
tumble down in a flow
and entomb all the hikers they see.
"
"ben franklin, that man of renown,
brought his fragile armonica down,
and he played us a tune
on the wet glass, and soon
we were dancin' all over the town!
"
"feather pillows with miserable lumps
fill your sleep with uncomfortable bumps?
buy some new ones, and stash
those antiques in the trash?
you could say they were down in the dumps.
"
"oh, the trumpeter's nuance, technique!
the vibrato! it changed my physique!
  the performance, so filled
  with authority, chilled
my anatomy nearly a week.
"
"""hank aaron? he played for the braves
and the brewers,"" the baseball fan raves.
""steroid-free, he could drive
homers seven-five-five!""
(betcha shirts with two 4's are his faves!)
"
"write a c, and then write a c-sharp.
if the baritone's skilled (and won't carp),
what the singer will croon is an
augmented unison.
(hopeless to try on a harp!)
"
"in musical synthesis, mind
how an envelope's shaped. you will find
these four stages in play:
the attack, the decay,
the sustain, and release, all combined.
"
"whenever old ernie and bert
approach me and try to convert
with their latter-day charm,
i just sound an alarm
and the neighborhood gets the alert.
"
"we're sick of this treatment?the lies,
the oppression! just open your eyes!
we shall strike in the park!
we'll take power! anarch-
o-syndicalist workers, arise!
"
"when i saw all the gems packed in straw,
i just swiped them. (i'm quick on the draw.)
but today i am jailed?
when the cops came, i failed
to outrun the long arm of the law.
"
"the bell tree and mark tree both jingle
with their chimes in a bunch, never single.
but the bell tree's bells nest
on a stick with the rest,
while the mark tree has dowels that dingle.
"
"in the bin, i deposit these things:
old letters, two kites without strings,
broken iron (not hot),
some perfume my wife bought.
oh, these ties! see the fun junk-time brings?
"
"it's a card game i find to be fun.
add your cards?do you have twenty-one?
if it's higher, sad thing.
got an ace and a king?
well, that's blackjack! how lucky, you won!
"
"doing dishes? it once was a drudge!
now, i'm barely required to budge
after dining on mutton?
just pushing a button
makes dishwashing naught but a bludge.
"
"ocean island (banaba) had class!
then some terrible things came to pass
when japan mined it clean
in a manner obscene.
how it saddened the i-kiribati!
"
"an officer's servant, it's clear,
when the criminal british appear,
will escape down a pole
and strike fear in the soul
of each villain. the batman is here!
"
"because i was hungry, i ate
twenty dinners all heaped on one plate.
though high in nutrition,
caloric addition
meant more acquisition of weight.
"
"an affable fellow's at ease.
if he talks to you, surely he'll please.
with a friendly appeal,
he will never reveal
that in private he's really a sleaze.
"
"if you're hostile, you'll slam any fool:
animosity online's the rule.
you can post like a mother
with wit, but another
'net user might take you to school!
"
"want a headache? want bad indigestion
when taking a test? a suggestion:
be unable to scrawl
any answer at all
in the blue book; just stare at the question.
"
"in a barroom, imbibing with her,
i had many a drink, to be sure.
from a torrid embrace,
we went back to her place,
and the rest of the night was a blur.
"
"autopilots are, oddly, for planes,
not for autos?and rarely for trains.
when these gadgets are set,
pilots fly to tibet
hardly using their hands or their brains.
"
"wrote on paper (the butler's the crook),
then collected the sheets, and i took
up a needle and thread
and i bound them. once read,
i can say it's considered a book.
"
"albert acted annoyed and he ran
after anyone asked about anne,
since she altered her plan
to be wed to that man,
and appeared at the altar with dan.
"
"we drove into town for some food,
but her tone tipped me off to her mood,
as she started in hot. oh,
how fiercely the auto-
catalytic discussion ensued!
"
"the admiral stepped on the deck
and assumed the command of the wreck,
so the sailors would stand,
honor any demand,
even give his fat fanny a peck.
"
"the toothless old priest, at a loss,
craved an apple, which made him quite cross.
with a sledge from the chapel
he pounded the apple,
inventing the first applesauce.
"
"with a bottle of wine in my hand,
and agenda unset and unplanned,
i can ramble with glee
where i'm taken for free:
in a boxcar i travel the land.
"
"many singers of old sang the blues
with such grace, no one dares fill their shoes.
but they got through their nights
thanks to reds and to whites
and to liberal helpings of booze.
"
"that asphaltite, mineral fair!
it hardens when out in the air,
but when deep in the earth,
it's a liquid, and worth
quite a bundle for roadway repair.
"
"the speed of the tempo, it grows,
so faster and faster it goes.
they're playing ""fernando""
with accelerando?
i hope they hang on to their bows!
"
"he enjoys shooting arrows, this gent.
(he loves archery, that's what i meant!)
his advice? ""keep it mellow,
and aim for the yellow?
and hope that your fletching's not bent.""
"
"an electromagnetic device
with a wire turned just once (never twice!)
at one ampere has force
(now i'll tell you, of course)
of an ampere-turn. ain't it concise?
"
"this witch doctor lady named cora,
fermenting her milk of angora,
gave me and my ilk
acidophilus milk
(used to change the intestinal flora).
"
"at the school unm, girls are perky
and pleasant, and guys are not jerky.
catch a flight! abq
will be ready for you
as you fly into fair albuquerque.
"
"when i tear something made out of crepe,
i have one chosen way to reshape
what i've ruined. i swear,
such allegiance is rare!
yes, i am an adherer to tape!
"
"the security guard went insane:
""those needles you cannot retain!
on the airplane, if you
knit an afghan or two,
they might stand up and hijack the plane!""
"
"i was hunting for birds for my pot.
if i spied one, i squeezed off a shot.
every last one i missed!
so, while shaking my fist,
i aimlessly trudged 'round the lot.
"
"though the student's intentions were good,
his attention still strayed where it would.
""aw, teacher, i tried!""
""but your mind's not applied.
so: detention. is that understood?""
"
"the bassoonist and cellist both found
with a harpsichord player around
that the bass line they roared
while he filled out the chord
made the basso continuo sound.
"
"the deli man raved in detail
of a product he made out of snail.
""it's so shiny and swirly
and tasty?hey shirley,
there's sliced abalone for sale!""
"
"'twas in london, eighteen twenty-eight,
robert peel had the mind to create
metropolitan police,
noble keepers of peace:
yes, the bobbies, who stand tall and straight.
"
"when, in music notation, they spell
out the letters a-c-c-e-l,
you should speed up the beat
with your hands or your feet.
and pronounce it ""uh-chel"" ? you'll excel!
"
"she thought the best spouse she had culled;
a year later, the passion had dulled.
no building a nursery ?
on their first anniversary
the pair had the marriage annulled.
"
"you can see, from your passing canoe,
there's a boy who is looking at you.
on a banjo he's twanging
(please excuse my haranguing);
deliverance, maybe, is due.
"
"automakers build cars, from the bonnet
to the chassis, as others have drawn it.
they're automen too?
but i doubt it would do
if you rested your footsies upon it.
"
"on a stage in my store was a tank
full of beer, with a spout and a crank.
in a small auditorium
in the emporium
people could watch as we drank.
"
"o, woman who walked through the door,
how i love you! it's you i adore,
from the hair on your head
to your shoes fiery red;
still, the stuff in between i like more.
"
"well, an angel appeared to this girl
and he said, ""you should sit, you might hurl.
give a smile, don't be glum,
'cause you're set to become
mom to jesus! just give it a whirl!""
"
"buildings burn, so we're all in a plight.
fireproof lining would make it all right,
but asbestos is bad,
so what else can be had?
from south africa comes amosite.
"
"when a botanist looks at a mold
and sees discus-like cups in the fold
of its flesh (bearing spores),
he compares them to stores:
apothecia? truly! he's sold.
"
"if you're anal retentive, you find
that the world drives you out of your mind.
like this anapest beat,
or the feel of your seat;
when it's off, it's a pain in the hind!
"
"there's no drum in the world that is neater
than the bodhran; its rhythms are fleeter.
it's from ireland; you hold
it one-handed, i'm told,
and you play with a paddle-like beater.
"
"i might try a new instrument soon,
but i doubt it'll be the bassoon.
though its tone is okay,
it's too awkward to play
while i dance all about like a loon.
"
"the available memory banks
of this android allow token thanks
to the techs who recall
why he stands in this hall
not remembering, drawing just blanks.
"
"so you say you're a bachelor, matt?
you're a man all alone? who needs that?
get a woman to love you,
to dust shelves above you,
and ask if that dress makes her fat.
"
"little akbar, who once was a chap
ruling india, stood for no crap.
but today, the poor moghul
would sit there and ogle
us begging him, ""say 'it's a trap!'""
"
"i swear, folks, it's simply a myth
that the hippie chrysanthemum smith
beads and flowers eschewed,
and joined up where a jew'd
get empowered: ""the sons"" (b'nai b'rith).
"
"using freon, some tubing just so,
and a fan (made of duct tape) to blow,
with macgyver-like skill
he provided a chill?
air-conditioned the room like a pro!
"
"an audiovisual show
can instruct you in things you should know.
someone narrates the scene:
""you should keep your hands clean!""?
""there's the beep! turn the knob! hey, let's go!""
"
"a flautist considered astute
will cutely ta-toot on a flute,
while one with less smarts
might abuse all the parts
like a brute. (you would wish he were mute!)
"
"as i'm waking, and morning is dawning,
i put on my robe, and, still yawning,
walk out the back door.
though the rain starts to pour,
i stay dry 'neath a large canvas awning.
"
"an aardvark? now i have a hunch
that oedilf features none in the bunch.
it's not hunting for limes
or unbearable rhymes,
just some sweet little anties for lunch.
"
"the anzac's a sweet biscuit treat,
and i'll bake some for people to eat.
it takes less than an hour.
mix  syrup and flour
and oats with some coconut meat.
"
"buenos aires, a city so clean; a
great game in the boca arena;
asados and wine:
my vacation was fine.
so don't cry for me, argentina.
"
"an african may be egyptian
(they used hieroglyphic inscription),
but guys from liberia,
botswana, nigeria?
they also would fit that description.
"
"comprehension of gesture has gaps?
lack of empathy causing some flaps?
keeping rigid routines;
don't get jokes, lack the means?
you have asperger's syndrome, perhaps.
"
"agha khan was brought up to direct
the great ismailian sect.
but he then changed locations:
the great league of nations!
for india he spoke, i expect.
"
"diagnosis: severe add;
yet my focus is true as can be.
in a lim'rick or quatrain,
i stick with my thought train ?
oh, look, there's a bird in that tree!
"
"though i wasn't quite sure it was sailable,
the old prison sink was available.
so i set off to sea,
but alas, woe is me;
as it happens, the sink isn't bailable.
"
"in an email you send to your mom,
world wide websites you cite with aplomb.
an address she might see
looks like h-t-t-p,
colon, slash-slash, oedilf, and dot com.
"
"in our musical system, a b
is a minor third down below d.
but in germany, that
will denote a b flat,
and our b is their h. do you see?
"
"mister samuel morse made a pass
at a very reluctant young lass.
as she slapped him: ""egad,
you're a mulish old cad!
you dit dah, dit dit dit, dit dit dit!""
"
"a one-legged man from montana
once snacked on a tasty banana.
when he slipped on the peel,
he went head over heel
and alighted in north indiana.
"
"a band has three sections, it's true.
there are woodwinds, there's brass, and a slew
of percussionists?done!
why don't strings join the fun?
sax and violins simply won't do!
"
"the term antiferromagnetic
describes (using language poetic)
two spins disagreeing?
the irony being
that atoms are seldom aesthetic.
"
"the coed, right after the lecture,
proposed to her prof a conjecture:
""ionic or doric,
it would be euphoric
to study your greek architecture!""
"
"from a punch thrown by step-brother sy,
i was aching and thought i might cry.
in the mirror, the bruise
'neath my eye made me lose
it, and sy got the second black eye.
"
"after driving to vegas from reno,
i played blackjack at harrah's casino.
nearly all of my dough
went to harrah, although
i enjoyed ten free glasses of vino.
"
"first he climbed up the cliff (it was tough!),
then he called in a voice rather gruff,
""hey, you're easy as pie!
you're not steep, it's a lie!""
(as you see, he was calling its bluff.)
"
"the basset horn, mozart well knew,
was neither a horn nor kazoo,
but a low clarinet
which was wonderful; yet,
count the specimens now: there are few.
"
"that bellboy gets no tip! it's true!
when i said, ""get the suitcases, you!
in the trunk!"" he went ""ping!""
and ""a-ring-a-ling-ching!""
how that ding-dong got work, i've no clue.
"
"it's grand, and elaborate too,
with a strictness to form, that is true.
every tune we hear now
is a calf of this cow.
it's baroque, mister! what's it to you?
"
"bail out the rowboat, my mate,
for our boat's sprung a leak as of late.
though my socks are all wet
there's a positive, yet?
now the fishing inside is first-rate!
"
"four hundred and forty vibrations
per second: in numerous nations
that frequency tone
is an a, but it's known
to be different in some applications.
"
"awesome is something exalted,
while awful is terribly faulted
and wrong, like a run of
bad jokes (like the one of
two peanuts, and one was assaulted).
"
"she placidly studied a sonnet,
but her hat had some honey upon it.
when she put it back on
all her heartsease was gone,
for she now had a bee in her bonnet.
"
"i'm reading a letter from ed!
wasn't mailed, though, so don't be misled.
my hand's so erratic!
this note's automatic;
ed's writing it out from the dead.
"
"you've penned that you're big? (you're a mouse!)
and the nicest of people? (a louse!)
take heed of my motto:
no boasting, no auto-
hagiography here in my house!
"
"appellation: a title like mayor,
associate, captain, surveyor,
selectman, vizier,
senior partner, premier,
head of staff, or euphonium player.
"
"to charge up my phone from a plug,
i use an adaptor and mug:
one powers it up,
the other's a cup ?
while i wait, i pour coffee and chug!
"
"an atheist honors no god.
some people would call one a clod,
asking, ""who made the earth?""
here's a question of worth:
""who made god, then?"" no answer? how odd.?.?.?.
"
"he was mr. tv, but at first
as a child with pearl white he rehearsed.
uncle miltie, an icon!
though he's someone i like, on
my word, some still say he's the worst!
"
"now, anchors are things meant for boats,
designed to constrain where one floats.
but they also appear
on a web page; it's here
that they link to more pages and notes.
"
"our national anthem in c
is as awkward to sing as can be!
but it's not quite so bad
if the singer first had
it transposed to a singable key.
"
"dr. atkins, your diet's a mess!
not to question the weight-loss success,
but you're saying that eating
potatoes is cheating?
this doctor's not irish, i guess!
"
"the bongos, a two-drum array,
sure are small; with your fingers you play.
just ask ""bongo-boy"" berman?
he works with the ""vermin""
from car talk (those ""jerks"", tom and ray).
"
"euphonium, trumpet, trombone,
flute and flugelhorn, expertly blown
in a massive parade
by the bandsmen, displayed
the great skill of ""the president's own.""
"
"those nice araucanian folks
(indigenous chilean blokes):
are they kind to their tykes?
do they pedal their bikes
with baseball cards stuck in the spokes?
"
"the militia, combatting a wrong
by the government, fights to keep strong
the defense of their walls,
toting muskets and balls
in the caissons they're rolling along.
"
"there were elliot, david, and ben,
also greg, and then ric; these five men
sure were just what we needed.
my best friend's girl pleaded,
""let the good times roll! hello again!""
"
"this new tune's in g flat. what a key!
there are six flats? alas, woe is me!
b, e, a, d, and g,
and the sixth one is c.
for c flat i prefer to think b.
"
"the actwait (or entr'acte) occurred,
and the audience went, like a herd,
up the aisle to the lobby.
i could not be so snobby?
the act tune to hear i preferred.
"
"happitis, happitis. drillatis,
readitis, dreaditis, stillatis!
buildatis, spikeatis,
armatis, strikeatis,
abatis, stabatis, killatis!
"
"to end phrases, composers finagle
some cadence; authentic or plagal
or half or deceptive.
(as you're so perceptive,
you'll know that these triads aren't hegel.)
"
"the west indies islands (i'll scrawl 'em),
less bahamas, antilles we call 'em.
the greater are four
islands northwestern-more,
and the lesser's the rest. yep, it's all 'em!
"
"such a jew hasn't ever been seen
since the songwriter israel beilin!
he, as irving berlin,
wrote ""white christmas"" (a win!)
and his easter song's stuck in my bean.
"
"""my car has a heater,"" said she,
""air conditioning too, or ac.
but your passions devour
the ac's cooling power,
so i sweat when it's negative three!""
"
"in physics, his work's at the core,
but, please, i can't take any more!
this dane might be smart,
but i only read part,
'cause i think he is simply a bohr.
"
"any applicatory device
must be useful. (review that bit twice.)
if it can't be applied,
though you really have tried,
then it's useless, like antlers on mice.
"
"the aeolian scale we can play
on the white keys from a up to a.
scales modal are finer
than others, like minor.
include a raised seventh? no way!
"
"if you like a good limerick gait,
anapest, anapest, ain't it great?
i could do it again
and again and again
and again and again; but it's late.
"
"while answering roll for my class,
the students said, ""present."" alas!
some were absent! i frowned.
after looking around,
there i found them: out back, smoking grass.
"
"syphilitic old sid yelled to me,
""i have lesions and rashes, oh gee!""
then he said, even louder,
""arsphenamine powder
would kill all my spirochetes, see?""
"
"antimycin's used now and again
to exterminate insects. but then
with a broom we must sweep
up this crystalline heap
and dispose of this mess in the den.
"
"accidental's a cinch to define:
it's a sharp, flat, or natural sign
that the songwriter wrote
to the left of a note
that is out of the key, but still fine.
"
"you can't seem to argue to fact;
it's only myself you've attacked.
go ahead and keep bombin' 'em?
argumenta ad hominem?
you're certainly proving you're whacked.
"
"electric guitarists in hordes
use a limited number of chords.
a barre on fret three
yields a c and a g.
and the fifth? d and a it affords.
"
"he eats very little, you see?
there's his ribcage, his hip, and his knee.
anorexia nervosa
makes your bones a lot closuh
to your outsides than where they should be.
"
"adagio music should go
quite slowly (but not largo slow!)?
the barber is famous.
but some ignoramus
would think it was boring, you know.
"
"an italian command? should you dare?
should you blare on with nary a care?
i'll remind you again; yo,
it's just a dal segno.
go back to the sign, play from there.
"
"the slip of her top revealed boob-errants
that stood firm with a shameless protuberance.
they were pointed askew,
and my eyeballs were, too?
my reaction was ?ber-?exuberance.
"
"of the man who went missing when nine
of his pigs ate him up, to his spine,
in a way most sadistic,
my epilogistic
addendum is ""don't mess with swine.""
"
"enravishment's what people feel
when they're spinning around on a wheel
like their life is no bore,
or they're thrilled to the core
by a fervent political spiel.
"
"every night, when old cooter reclined,
he proceeded to slowly unwind
with a bottle of gin ?
then passed out, fading in
its eradicative numbing of mind.
"
"when we feared that katrina might kill
ole fats domino (hardly a thrill),
how we wept and we moaned!
how we welled up and groaned!
how we cried upon blubbery hill!
"
"for a badly scraped knee, you might gauze it,
while with cancer, a bandage won't pause it.
but chemo's fantastic,
antineoplastic!
(i hope you have wigs in the closet.)
"
"when my car was stuck fast in the snow,
a samaritan offered a tow.
but for charity? nay,
he demanded i pay
an extortionately large sum of dough.
"
"""the music is getting too slow,
so it's back to the old speed we go.""
if a tempo is written
by beethoven, britten,
or brahms, you'll change pace like a pro.
"
"""i'll erect on the caelian hill,
a great temple to my divine will.
let us also construct
my immense aqueduct.
worship claudius ? i'll foot the bill.""
"
"need some spice in your life? everyone's
in the mood for some food that just stuns.
get the sensuous spark ?
grind up cinnamon bark,
sprinkle liberally over your buns.
"
"read his autobiography. find
the great scope of his renaissance mind.
cellini the thinker
was more than a tinker,
he left more than the things he designed.
"
"i was poor, so i tried to avoid
an engagement ring ? she got annoyed.
""a cigar band? you're joking.
what on earth were you smoking?
don't come back 'til you're better employed.""
"
"so deep is accounting's ennui
that choosing a method can be
(if asked with panache,
""accrual or cash?"")
mistaken for glib repartee.
"
"in hamlet, what horrors await us!
to give the old king his quietus,
his rival, his kin,
pours hebenon in
his external acoustic meatus.
"
"if you're off to a distant location,
with need to use cheap transportation,
ride a bus, or a bike,
or your skates, if you like.
(or to really save, try ambulation.)
"
"on a sail out to sea, bill's young daughter
jumped overboard out where he brought her.
he smiled. ""it's not tragic:
she's bathypelagic,
and loves to play deep in the water.""
"
"""report on my falcons; i'm waiting
to hear if they did any mating.""
my falconer muttered,
""their wings only fluttered;
they wasted the day, master, bating.""
"
"our general said, ""i'm realistic;
i've seen our missed-missile statistic.
so, men, i've decided
we'll launch only guided;
we've failed with non-guided ballistic.""
"
"two men brought their knives (but no light)
to spar in manila one night.
they both lost their lives:
it was too dark for knives.
(two barongs ? they say ? don't make it bright.)
"
"when sue left our farm for her college, we
thought she should raise her soil knowledge. she
leapt at the chance
to produce better plants.
and the ""field"" she chose? agrobiology.
"
"you say you sing low? i don't buy it:
you're far, far too skinny to try it.
for basso profundo,
you must be rotund, so
don't bother while you're on a diet.
"
"mother nature, as always, is mum
as to why every bird gets a ""thumb"".
but that useless thumb-thing
has a name: bastard wing.
is she mean, wasteful, joking, or dumb?
"
"to my face, you're my friend and my ally.
however, you're not my real pal; i
have heard that you bashed me,
and how much you trashed me.
you backstabber; shan't trust you, shall i?
"
"miss beautiful entered the race,
a contest of body and face.
the talented cutie
and svelte bathing beauty
soon walked off the stage with first place.
"
"the view from this great cabin liner
is spectacular ? none could be finer.
but i'm starting to panic:
she's named new titanic,
and i hear they've just shot the designer.
"
"this accrued lunch expense is so high...
do you think that your limit's the sky?
to the counters of beans
all your bean-feasting means
it's a fine time to bid you goodbye.
"
"approvable though you may be,
to win approbation from me
takes passion! desire!
a heart filled with fire!
(it helps if you're down on one knee.)
"
"calvin warned us it's sinful to dance,
or to burn with desire for romance.
it would surely amaze
him to know nowadays
that his name is a byword for pants.
"
"glasgow celtic play football in green;
they are famous from tashkent to tignes.
their fans welcome strangers,
unless they're from rangers,
whose reception is frankly obscene.
"
"a celebrated new-age musician,
renowned for expressive rendition,
his air barely started,
prodigiously farted.
there followed a long intermission.
"
"o pity the d-list celeb;
in humanity's chain, just a pleb.
fame may be the spur,
but for him (or for her),
it takes sub-fifteen minutes to ebb.
"
"i find book matches more to my liking,
in my pocket while camping or hiking.
wooden sticks? a mistake.
i would much rather take
paper packets ? the difference is striking.
"
"let's consider pop icons: first, vanna,
then the megafad hannah montana ?
both modestly dressed,
and normally tressed,
unlike spokesfruit chiquita banana.
"
"shakespeare's language is often called deathless,
deemed eternal in tones that are breathless.
right! he'd still be revered
without falstaff, un-leared,
were we sans juliet, or macbethless.
"
"of my lustful intents, her detector
went into high gear to protect her.
hands near the wrong sector?
she's a groper deflector,
defeating my chance to inspect her.
"
"said the purist, ""it makes me grow faint
that dictionaries sanctify ain't.
they claim they're descriptive,
and never prescriptive.
they hear mobs, but ignore my complaint.""
"
"graceful dancers may do a chass? ?
it's a light gliding step in ballet.
the feet are aligned
left in front, right behind ?
or the other way round, s'il vous pla?t.
"
"there's a feeling that's dragging the nation
down to energy-sapping frustration.
in that funk we're so mired,
enervated and tired ?
a clear case of defatigation.
"
"it is toast. final act. there it lies.
kicked the bucket. deep sixed. hatching flies.
ceased to be. turned to soil.
shuffled off mortal coil.
that parrot has met its demise.
"
"dermatologists frown at your chin
and then cluck at your lip and your shin.
simple pimples or cancer?
they'll give you the answer
you're itching to learn 'bout your skin.
"
"smear some mustard on halved cuban bread;
layer pork, ham and swiss ? thickly spread ?
then some pickles in slices.
grill! nothing's as nice as
cuban sandwiches ? now you're well-fed!
"
"in the bible, when music is heard,
there occurs an ambiguous word:
some say virgins is it,
others maidens will fit,
but soprano's the term i've preferred.
"
"my limericks start with such style,
with great rhythm and flow for a while;
then they muck up their stresses
in anapest messes,
anticlimax, and end in a pile.
"
"if you're an old fogey, like me,
who likes peering inside his pc,
though you rummage around
some things just won't be found;
the accumulator's too small to see.
"
"if, from cooking, your books are now browning
and the figures you see leave you frowning,
my accountantship's here?
climb aboard, never fear!
i can save all your assets from drowning.
"
"once, a horse-racing friend said to me,
""i've four certs here. they'll win, wait and see.""
well, the first three were fast,
but the fourth horse came last.
my accumulator win? not one p!
"
"in snooker or pool take your cue,
then set the next shot in your view.
if the balls line up straight
it's not hard to play great;
but an angled shot's harder to do.
"
"in an audio-visual course
you'll hear sounds and see sights, oft by force.
""now repeat what i say,""
or in french, ""r?p?tez.""
no, no, stop! please, no more ? show remorse!
"
"the fisherman angled for fish,
which he cooked in an angled fish dish.
i artfully angled,
with logic entangled,
for to eat that fine fish was my wish.
"
"'round a transformer's core you will find
that both input and output wires wind.
now an autotransformer
is not like the former
for some of those wires are combined.
"
"when you're tapping a vat or a cask,
find the bunghole and ready your flask.
pull the cork. pour the wine
or aged whiskey divine?
sweet rewards for the simplest task.
"
"we can win with a ""hail mary"" shot.
fifteen seconds is all that we've got!
the quarterback bumbles,
he's sacked, now he fumbles?
ensuring defeat on the spot.
"
"there's a storm coming in with the tide.
batten down for a long bumpy ride.
we'll be tossed aft to stern
as the gale forces churn?
you had best strap yourself to the side.
"
"there's a bugbear here under my bed.
yep, i'm sure, 'cuz i've just seen his head.
look! he ate my new shoe,
and my teddy bear too!
hear him growling?  i hope he's been fed.
"
"friday's burial (poor sister claire)
should have been a most somber affair,
but the coffin was tipped,
and the sister was flipped
in the hole on her cold derriere.
"
"got a problem that won't go away?
is that why you're starting to fray?
well, quit fussing about:
kick that bugaboo out?
your new life is beginning today!
"
"if you sit on the sofa all day
eating bon-bons and ice cream parfait,
odds are good (by and large)
you'll be big as a barge,
and your teeth'll be filled with decay!
"
"the food show's a sweet sight to see,
with row upon row of buckshee.
the vendors hawk wares,
and no restaurant compares?
why pay when the samples are free?
"
"""there's a gastropod, dead in my drink,""
mrs donoghue cried. ""what a stink!
this is stevenson's doing.
i've a claim and i'm suing.
tell the courts that it's time to rethink.""
"
"sigmund felpz analyses the mind,
but his methods have been much maligned?
for one maiden's depression,
prescribing a session
entwined on his couch! (she declined.)
"
"in the art of portraying the baddie,
boris karloff was truly the daddy.
he's famous for creatures
with foul evil features?
hadn't much of a repertoire, had he?
"
"cappuccino or caf? au lait?
choose a brew to renew you today
at my bright coffee stall,
in the station's south mall,
as you haul yourself into the fray.
"
"in the great war it paid to comply,
to take orders without asking why,
and expect zero thanks
from the officer ranks,
as they carelessly sent you to die.
"
"genghis phelps had a great mongol army,
but the fellow was utterly barmy.
he forbade all his horde
to make war with the sword,
so they fought on instead with salami.
"
"""feast your eyes on my coat of mail fine,""
quoth sir guy. ""'tis this season's design.
you can't help be a charmer
in flexible armour.
lead me on to the wenches and wine.""
"
"chemotherapy knocks seven bells
out of life-threatening cancerous cells.
it's not always a cure,
but it's better for sure
than aromas or potions or spells.
"
"my pr man's a fabulous spinner.
his new sound bite is simply a winner.
when i talk to the press,
trust me, no-one will guess
i'm a fool who's all gong and no dinner.
"
"a cantankerous scot called mcmorran,
who resembled a bear with a sporran,
shouted, ""all men are vile!""
while reserving most bile
for anyone thought to be foreign.
"
"cpus are a blessing, i guess,
with the lightning-like speed they possess.
it's input they need
and output they feed,
which then sometimes results in a mess.
"
"our dmv raises my bile
with its damn facial images file.
for the photos, ""say 'cheese'!""
is no more. you should freeze
in a zombie expression?no smile!
"
"now our arrow of time is a curse
as entropic disorder gets worse.
you can talk of string theory,
but of wormholes i'm leery.
even they can't make time's flow reverse!
"
"there might be a  boson  named higgs,
one of particle physics' ""real bigs"".
should the super collider
not find this shy hider,
our theories are balanced on twigs!
"
"a repentant agnostic named lurch
felt his honor he'd have to besmirch.
he (right there on his deathbed,
with his very last breath) said:
""you got me?i'll go back to church!""
"
"i once owned a chrysler ? it stunk!
and my spouse's new fiat ? more junk!
once their merger is made,
they'll have lemons to trade,
but no money will car buyers plunk!
"
"a bright cobol writer named dunn,
who had worked on the univac i,
said he thought it was fine
to have top-down design,
but, mostly, the program should run!
"
"sometimes weather reports make me blue:
""a depression is soon coming through!""
i just turn off the news
and then head for my booze.
i'll let other folks worry and stew.
"
"about fat people long in the tooth,
it's a bitter and obvious truth ?
we do not get real snuggly
with folks who are ugly.
we're gaga for beauty and youth!
"
"a computer makes writing a breeze
as i dash off my limericks with ease.
but sometimes a glitch
will cause me to bitch.
if it just had a throat i could squeeze!
"
"the binary search ? a fast way
to find 'x' in a sorted array.
it'll chop lists in two
with each pass it goes through.
get results back real quick, no delay.
"
"the word for today is demux.
its meaning? let's cut to the crux:
it adeptly de-mingles,
turns mixed streams to singles
and, really, it saves us big bucks!
"
"a dieter, feeling laconic,
drank gulps of an acid dextronic.
when the syrup kicked in,
she decried, ""it's a sin!
i'm addicted ? it's true, and it's chronic.""
"
"a mature belle-de-nuit, name of kitty,
still was selling herself (such a pity).
though a hag, she would flirt,
but her feelings got hurt
when men drank until kitty got pretty.
"
"a crooked accountant named hooke
corporation expense books would cook.
not a thing could be found
when they all snooped around,
though they vowed to by hook or by crook.
"
"my computer! it just ate a worm!
yes, our tech support's sad to confirm
that my work's up a creek,
so i said to that geek,
""can you see the worm wriggle and squirm?""
"
"a benzenoid substance is mean,
a leukemial blight on life's scene.
yes, repeated exposure
can hasten life's closure
from cancers and oversized spleen.
"
"a coder who's cursed with malaise,
and improvident programming ways,
by a slip of his hand
wrote an ""or""  for an ""and"".
now his site has been down for six days!
"
"in hades the demons are mean,
and sadistic and ugly, unclean.
but on our computers
they're really square shooters,
providing us service unseen.
"
"a physicist-priest, palmer amelie,
was pithy, and preached dalai lama-ly:
""don't travel too fast ?
you'll lose track of your past!""
it was palmer's anomaly homily.
"
"an alice-in-wonderland book
gives its readers a fanciful look
at adventures in peril
like first penned by carroll
with spellbinding gobbledygook.
"
"addictedness makes your heart race
at a breakneck and dangerous pace.
you need that next score,
and you crave more and more
of that anapest falling in place.
"
"antiterrorist leaders are often
campaigning for new ways to soften
the harmful effects
of these terrorist sects,
so no voter ends up in a coffin.
"
"to analyze, study the parts
of database tables or charts.
your realizations
of complex relations
will add to your technical smarts.
"
"abstractness is seen throughout art?
a style pollock had in his heart.
two drips and a splatter
are all that might matter
in telling, from trash, it apart.
"
"nanoscientists, being astute,
with precision observe (they're acute).
their favorite topic?
all things microscopic.
they analyze objects minute.
"
"my armpit is under my arm.
its odors could do noses harm.
be glad that each day
i use roll-on or spray
so i don't smell as bad as a farm.
"
"a standardized aptitude test
will sort out the best of the best.
but wouldn't you know,
my score was too low.
i guess i'm just one of the rest.
"
"if book burning ought to be banned,
should the banning of books on command
as well be abhorred,
when a library board
bans a book upon public demand?
"
"the beheading of queens is embedded
in history: elizabeth dreaded
all claims to her throne?
and she wasn't alone:
so queen mary was framed and beheaded.
"
"my husband said, ""too many cats
in our home?they are driving me bats.
i will build you a cattery
to house this mad hattery.
let d-con take care of the rats.""
"
"barycentric coordinates lie
at the heart of space measurement. try
any simplex, 'cause then
vertices may tell when
and which numbers you ought to apply.
"
"a poet who knew how to tell
about life, casting irony's spell
with his  poems and his  plays,
auden lived out his days
as an exile, but lived them out well.
"
"""just look at that new kid's big ears!""
and the timid new kid hid his tears.
but the teacher consoled,
""they're your auricles! hold
up your head?pay no mind to their jeers.""
"
"there's the nethy,  the clyde,  and the dee?
ancient towns on these rivers there be,
but not naberneethy,
nor yet abernethy,
near nethy, the tay, and the sea.
"
"if your lawn is in bluegrass, it's green.
mixed with fescue, through dry spells, the sheen
of its bluish appearance
will please. interference
might loom, mixed with st. augustine.
"
"barcelona,  as tourists agree?
by the mediterranean sea?
is historically fine
and a good place to dine,
in old spain, where the street views are free.
"
"a basketball star, he shared gold.
by the nba, then he was told
of his top 50 ranking?
fans still aren't done thanking
sir charles, a delight to behold.
"
"when this guy put a gun to my head,
kindly counselling, ""cash, or you're dead!""
well, i had to attest
i felt ceding was best.
better potless than pitted with lead.
"
"a caballer, who plotted with friends
to deploy evil means for foul ends,
found that justice was hard:
he breaks rocks in the yard,
while the governor superintends.
"
"the woman who runs this call centre?
no wonder the public resent her!
her message for all,
whenever they call,
is: ""abandon all hope, ye who enter.""
"
"""my cab fare is fifty, you say?
hell, for less i could fly to la!""
though i wanted to bellow,
like the cab, i was yellow.
as i paid, he snarled, ""have a nice day.""
"
"canoodling in a canoe
is the trickiest thing you can do.
though your passion gets hotter,
don't fall in the water;
you'll see your equipment turn blue.
"
"he was wild, he was drunk, he was blokey,
and was thrown in the pokey (or chokey),
where, surprising to say,
he discovered crochet,
and since that fateful day he's been low-key.
"
"if invited to dine by a friend,
do take wine, but (o heaven forfend!)
never buy cheap shiraz,
which your nose tells you has
been exhumed from a musty bin-end.
"
"the drunken and mean cacafogo
had the worst ever corporate logo.
'neath a flushed, bloated head
it informed ""i lend bread!""
spurn his dough. cacafogo is no-go.
"
"""by assuming this brilliant disguise,""
chuckled holmes, ""i am sure to surprise
my arch-criminal foe,
who's assuming, i know,
he's about to effect my demise.""
"
"the sweater you've knitted for me
in cable stitch fits to a t.
but i'll love you much better
if, along with the sweater,
you knit me a cable tv.
"
"when i got to the farm market sale,
it was far from my mind that i'd fail:
but i have to make do
with a cabbage or two?
that old witch cabbaged onto the kale!
"
"there once was a hunter who knew
that his gun barrel ought to be blue.
when it started to rust,
he was mightily fussed?
'cause he still had the bluing to do.
"
"yvette, an inveterate auditor,
overheard things, and nobody spauditor.
she'd even hear leaves drop ?
le soci?t? eavesdrop,
on hearing this, lavishly lauditor.
"
"a half-hearted despot was stuck
in the role of a muckety-muck,
but would dream by the hour
of sharing his power,
and gleefully passing the buck.
"
"disappointment was brushed to the side
when a cowpoke's request was denied:
""i'm not fit, say the brass,
to make cowboy first class?
hell,  i'll show 'em some cowpokin' pride!""
"
"""when i'm king,"" said an 8-year-old squirt,
""certain customs i pledge to invert.
therefore homework will be
less important than wii,
and all meals will begin with dessert.""
"
"a coarse-grained old masher learned tact
by observing how women react
to his opening line,
so he now says, ""you're fine.""
(an improvement, this, over ""you're stacked."")
"
"tuck's truck's been a trustworthy rover
commuting from denver to dover.
but he's mourning depend-
ability's end:
the engine no longer turns over.
"
"a current ex-friend of lee hunt
debated if he should be blunt,
then said with a shrug, ""lee,
your mama's butt-ugly,
viewed both from the rear and the front.""
"
"a boa constrictor said, ""jeez,
take a look at these licensing fees!
in this jurisdiction
i kill by constriction,
but i'm the one feeling the squeeze.""
"
"said a broom handle, miffed, ""life's a bitch.
and we broom handles have no clear niche.
it's just chore after chore ?
either sweeping the floor,
or supporting the buns of a witch.""
"
"with ""i love you!"" a unison bellow,
the screaming girls' legs turned to jell-o.
he stood in the wing?
""it's elvis! the king!!""
?and onstage walked elvis costello.
"
"a toddler was caught unawares ?
best practice for play-doh declares:
""the clay's kneaded soundly
and always shaped roundly,
since cubically's strictly for squares.""
"
"said an asteroid moving though space
to another one pushing the pace:
""in this belt there are rules,
and we don't suffer fools ?
we're in orbit, not running a race!""
"
"a church lady, proper and prim,
was unusually moved by a hymn,
so she sang out the canticle
in a style so romantical
that the minister turned the lights dim.
"
"a decreasingly jaundiced young fellow
grew gradually less and less yellow,
but increasingly green
as he eyed his colleen
most mistrustfully (cf. othello).
"
"a man who is living in squalor
was once on the dean's list ? a scholar.
but he strayed from this path
with confusion in math,
and he now earns four hours per dollar.
"
"descartes asked a surfer dude, ""bro,
with certainty what can we know?""
""fer sure we can say
your brain's gnarly, ren?.
grab a board and just go with the flow.""
"
"the gentleman's gentleman, pervis,
is wondering just where his nerve is.
it galls him, essentially,
to say, deferentially,
""a pleasure to be at your service.""
"
"a greedy art therapist, moffett,
was told by the board to come off it:
""please stick to remissions
of mental conditions ?
stop selling the paintings for profit!""
"
"said a red rabble-rousing canary
in a coal mine, ""hey, this place is scary.
these coal-mining asses
can breath their own gases!
why stick out our necks for the wary?""
"
"a two-year-old toddled off sneakily
and started to fingerpaint ? fecally.
her dad nearly fainted,
but asked what she'd painted.
""it's da-da!!"" she volunteered cheekily.
"
"the folks in the park have neglected
a bench since it first was erected;
unsat on by human
since ike replaced truman,
it's feeling a little rejected.
"
"""the heart never lies,"" laughed old jack,
""but mine gives the truth lots of slack.
and it's shockingly glib!
so i get the defib-
rillator and shock it right back.""
"
"it's unsightly how growing old shows
from the tops of our heads to our toes ?
how crow's feet have crinkled
the eyes that once twinkled.
(apologies offered to crows.)
"
"she ran down the aisle to halt her
and said to the bride, ""i love walter!""
said walter, ""since when?
i'll just bigamize then ?
there's plenty of room at the altar.""
"
"said a man who was rumored as dead
to a priest as his last rites were read,
""reports you've heard lately
exaggerate greatly.""
then he crankily rolled out of bed.
"
"a man on a plane bound for napa might
have been tempted to yield to his appetite,
but the sandwich they served
was contorted and curved,
and he wished that they'd learn how to wrap it right.
"
"a driver needs certain controls,
and brake lining plays a few roles:
it stops metal from whining,
and drivers from twining
their cars around telephone poles.
"
"a nerdy accountant named max is
found constantly doing his taxes.
his head starts to throb
when he's not on the job:
doing taxes is how he relaxes.
"
"a paralyzed patient discovered
he loved how the nursing staff hovered;
and now he is sorry
he's ambulatory,
and wishes he'd never recovered.
"
"a stoner watched inside edition,
then rang up his feel-good physician,
""hey doc, i seek clarity
for tv's vulgarity:
i need to get high definition.""
"
"a cloud-capped old mountain in maine
thinks that clouds are a positive bane:
it requested of one,
""please get out of my sun,""
but it spitefully started to rain.
"
"""there's a shortage of chaps with a death aura,""
said the reincarnated macbeth, ""or a
cadaverous glow.""
said a zombie, ""not so!
there's no dearth of us ghouls?there's a plethora.""
"
"in the land we now call northwest florida,
apalachee once ruled their own corrida.
then the tribe met that fella
from queen isabella
who they ought to have barred at the borrida.
"
"a sexy french soldier, monique,
has a bangin' blonde-bombshell physique,
and upon her impressment
a damage assessment
found enemy knees had gone weak.
"
"a teen who's, like, totally able
to drive his mom's mercury sable
without harming a fly
just can't wait to defy
an insurer's statistical table.
"
"while roger is dating some dame,
his friendship with reggie's aflame;
and the worldly assume
there's a bromance in bloom,
although neither guy dares speak its name.
"
"though the prince found himself in the mood, he
had to go well beyond call of duty:
he refused to critique
the morning-breath reek
he inhaled when he kissed sleeping beauty.
"
"""there's a fire!"" a patron exclaimed
in a theater (best left unnamed).
the effect, said a critic,
was anti-arthritic:
the joint is no longer inflamed.
"
"a man with a fixed upper denture
subjected his dentist to censure.
the cause of his scolding?
a haphazard molding,
and corn-on-the-cob misadventure.
"
"evolution will tend to impel
a bear to a keen sense of smell.
to contradistinguish:
a four-legged winged fish
would not have evolved very well.
"
"their breakup was bitter and brittle,
and her parting words aimed to belittle:
""one final thing, ray ?
you spray what you say.
i'm at last out of range of your spittle.""
"
"moaned a man, ""my poor feet are mistreated,
so perhaps i had better be seated.""
then he slumped on his ass
like a limp inert mass,
his conversion to dead weight completed.
"
"a trying young couple from brill
would altercate loudly until
they would call off the fight?
and then, feeling contrite,
they'd have makeup sex much louder still.
"
"a cross-dressing clown at the circus
wore one of his arabic burkas.
his head-to-toe gown
then brought the house down.
said the clown, ""gowns aren't funny; my work is.""
"
"the doctor said, ""should it progress
your fever will cause real distress.""
""but doc, understand?
feeling healthy is bland.
i'm trying to not defervesce.""
"
"some advice, 44, served up free:
don't misunderestimate me.
a ghostwriter somewhars
is typin' up memoirs
restorin' my rep.?????43
"
"old gus was agog over gertie,
but gertie was so falsely flirty.
his cronies said, ""yo gus,
that gertie is bogus.""
sighed gus, ""but authentically purty.""
"
"a crapshooter, nathan detroit,
thought vegas was too hoity-toit:
""the place to roll dice is
on broadway, where vice is
unlawful ? but ripe to exploit.""
"
"you are certain to make an impression
with this idiomatic expression:
several teeth you could lose
unless careful to use
bite the big one with utmost discretion.
"
"""hey pops, could i get a corvette?
and how come you're still with suzette?""
""we use buggy and horse,
son, and never divorce.
we're amish ? try not to forget.""
"
"as filmgoer fred slips his seat down,
the dude in back won't put his feet down.
the subsequent sequel
is raging bull's equal,
as fred gives the sucker a beatdown.
"
"a gossip reporter named amos
was often so lame he'd inflame us.
 blind items he printed
unhelpfully hinted
that someone unnamed was unfamous.
"
"analytic philosophy's task
is to study what language may mask
by inquiring, ""what norms
shape its logical forms?""
(well, somebody needed to ask.)
"
"though humans advanced a few notches
by deciding to cover their crotches,
the lascivious thrive; it's
the thought of bare privates
that lures peeping toms to their watches.
"
"a law, long afflicting the nation,
underwent overdue derogation,
as the worst of its flaws
(to much public applause)
got comeuppance through clausal castration.
"
"when buried, try throwing your lot in
with hollywood circles you're not in ?
eternally dozing
with stars decomposing,
who still remain fabulous rotten.
"
"said a boastful old brute to his date,
""i can whip any man in this state!""
and when knocked on his rear,
he just shifted a gear:
""i can whip any man in debate!""
"
"the senator squirmed in his chair
as the floor debate grew to a blare.
his aide was the broacher:
""i'd vote, sir, for cloture ?
let's empty the room of hot air.""
"
"said the phone voice, ""for options, press 1.
take a seat, since i think there's a ton.""
her convincingness grew:
""if you're wincing, press 2
and say, 'screw it!'? press # when you're done.""
"
"so what if some book you may buy me
claims usage trends clearly belie me?
in the mind of this yank,
quite regardless of rank,
an astounded brit's bound to say, ""blimey!""
"
"a conjoined pair of sisters from boulder
were tapped on their mutual shoulder
by two brothers, well-matched,
and (as yet) unattached ?
but that shoulder could not have been colder.
"
"a trailer park now in its nascency
will have single-wides set in adjacency.
""and the upshot of that
is you can't swing a cat,""
stated socks, with a purr of complacency.
"
"said a famously vain kansas citian:
""while it's true that i'm perfectly pretty in
the light of the moon,
i'm a dish at high noon,
and a dazzler antemeridian.""
"
"""oh honey, stop crying,"" sighed farrah,
as marilyn fixed her mascara.
""it was you who asked me ?
and to me, sandra dee
was the ginchiest blonde of her era.""
"
"an avuncular fellow who feared
that his presence was not as revered
by his nephews and nieces
as uncle maurice's
gained ground when he grew out his beard.
"
"an hirsute ornithology maven
should think before going clean-shaven.
""your birdly rapport
will be found nevermore
if you shave off my nest,"" quoth the raven.
"
"a thirsty trombonist named rhoda
was dreaming of frosty cream soda
and missed the dal segno.
cried maestro in pain, ""yo!
go back to the sign, not the coda!""
"
"the cockfighting scene in durango
is liable to out with a bang go:
now that bird fights are banned,
rival roosters have planned
a celebratory fandango.
"
"bragged a nerd, ""my computer's preferred.""
having heard this, a second nerd stirred:
""well, i'm no defeatist ?
i'll trump that elitist!""
shrugged a third, ""those two nerds are absurd.""
"
"it doesn't take holmes to deduce
why our actors declare, ""it's no use!
though we're taking our shots in
the role of john watson,
we simply can't top nigel bruce.""
"
"sam spade, the old private detective,
is stewing and hurling invective.
though his iphone's in style,
there's no rotary dial,
and sam thinks the damn thing's defective.
"
"the pubic lice loved the festivity
and indulged with complete exclusivity:
having rigged up a rope
to the top of the slope,
they could ski down the beer gut's declivity.
"
"hmm?a manic young lady?was mocked?
nah?a beady-eyed blighter, half-cocked?
meh?oh, wait! he's from crewe?
ugh?like that would be new?
(please be patient. your author is blocked.)
"
"an ambitious young artist from ware
pulls his socks up and slicks back his hair:
""i shall get, at the met,
the aesthetical set
to anoint me as mondrian's heir.""
"
"ma sullivan finally learned howda
make wicked good boston clam chowda.
her soup is so pissa
the clams wanna kissa,
and southie has nevah been prowda.
"
"a pimlico maverick embraces
clairvoyance for kicks at the races;
but he's taking his licks
since his sense #6
picks a pony that only just places.
"
"the sailors on deck didn't dare warn
the skip that the hairpiece he'd there worn
was in need of some glue:
a nor'easter was due,
and his face seemed already so careworn.
"
"having fled with a flat-chested courtesan,
for businessman burt an alert is on.
""with a tart? and they flee?
his wife's 38d!""
asked detectives, ""i wonder what burt is on?""
"
"the cavewomen would, if they could,
let their cavemen know just where they stood.
but they lacked ingenuity
and conveyed ambiguity,
since a grunt can mean ""bad"" or mean ""good"".
"
"intellectual ted's too darn serious,
and his 50-cent words tend to weary us.
buying books by the armful
must surely be harmful,
or as ted would have said, ""deleterious.""
"
"from the prophets of old it seems clear:
when the signs of the end times are here,
then the lost and elect
tribulation expect,
but the latter have nothing to fear.
"
"jerusalem's dome of the rock
has a history no-one should mock.
a significant site ?
muslims claim it's their right
to exclude other faiths by the clock.
"
"in today's christian church some have lost all
division by dogma. they've tossed all
their thoughts out the box.
now they're 'unorthodox-
anglo-freechurch-rc-bapti-costal.'
"
"i do dress, at my sweet wife's behest,
rather smartly. i keep my pants pressed.
i'm dapper in chinos;
my brother says he knows
my wife knows that she knows they're best.
"
"to lose sight is a terrible thing,
which in life lost direction can bring;
but look and you'll find,
in the land of the blind,
that the man with one eye will be king.
"
"harold bird, obe (known as ""dickie""),
as a cricketing umpire was quick. he
was one of the best
when faced with a test,
though his way with ""how's that?"" could be tricky.
"
"annibale's a quite minor role,
which on actors won't take a high toll.
it was played, in the past,
in the gondoliers cast
by yours truly?ignored on the whole!
"
"heads of state, such as mr. obama,
might just possibly feel somewhat calmer
if they found time to take,
from their duties, a break
on a trip to a good cosmorama.
"
"if you've learned ancient greek, do your best
to remember, when taking a test,
all its alphabet, friend,
from beginning to end:
alpha, beta... click here for the rest.
"
"father, son, holy spirit ? we see
god above. three-in-one. one-in-three.
co-eternal they dwell,
ever have, ever shall:
consubstantial, all christians agree.
"
"a salesman who's hard to ignore preps
his pitch to sell stainless steel forceps:
""just the thing to defang
the parched vampire gang
that is making its way to your doorsteps.""
"
"i'll defend the maligned cigarette
as its tube lends a sharp silhouette ?
and it gives you the cool points
in numerous pool joints
to score with that foxy brunette.
"
"a citizen journalist, sloane,
reported the facts on his own;
he gained his renown
bringing governments down
with a laptop and cellular phone.
"
"a sneering young fellow called snead
was deprecatory indeed:
he was heard to disparage
the value of marriage.
said his wife, ""and for once we're agreed.""
"
"an orchestra fully embraced
all the trends of the modern-day taste.
but their thrash-metal medley
was reckoned too deadly
by sensitive eardrums laid waste.
"
"what's babar the elephant's deal?
are parisians so very genteel?
is their civilization
such great inspiration?
you'd think they'd invented the wheel!
"
"a man showing few signs of life
declined to go under the knife:
""i'd rather fuss less?
my cadaverousness
is all that arouses my wife.""
"
"said the brown-nosing clerk aloysius:
""those who snack while they work aren't ambitious.
just working is my part.""
he then made a pie chart,
and noticed it looked quite delicious.
"
"on a long wooden plank made for girls,
as a man pirouettes, flips and whirls,
a 5.8 quake
makes the balance beam shake:
and he slips down spread-eagle, and hurls.
"
"you can neither revise nor rehearse
your dadaist anti-art verse;
this gives the appearance
of rank incoherence:
conniption teen snot desert purse.
"
"there's a piece of a brownie ken kesey ate
on ebay (despite its quite greasy state).
say stoners: ""like, wow ?
dude, you'd best buy it now
for 420!"" (then watch it depreciate?)
"
"if you find that your plan's overlappin'
with the time you'd prefer to spend nappin',
expect that it's goin'
to only be coin-
cidentally likely to happen.
"
"if women dismiss with rude laughta
the thing that men mostly are afta,
they'll start a depend-
ability trend,
since men will behave when they hafta.
"
"if reincarnation is fated,
i'd lobby to be reinstated
as what i am now
and not, say, a cow?
the bovine life's much overrated.
"
"""if concupiscence means what i think,
then i've caught it,""  i said to my shrink.
""all it takes to inspire
these cold loins to catch fire
is a friendly 'hello' and a wink.""
"
"his day-to-day plan thus progressed:
""i'll build it in six, then i rest
on the seventh,"" he sayeth.
but what of the eigh-eth?
""i don't think ahead,"" god confessed.
"
"to the timid (but nonetheless coachable),
many topics are wholly unbroachable
when meeting a lady.
but this won't sound shady:
""beg your pardon, i find you approachable.""
"
"there was an obtuse mathematician
who found that he could, when out fishin',
count numbers with less
of math's cumbersomeness:
each fish he caught honed his addition.
"
"getting up in the morning is tough,
but apparently that's not enough:
must i put in my belly
burnt toast with grape jelly?
i'll issue a breakfast rebuff!
"
"""i'm troubled,""  i said to my shrink.
""will my childhood uncover a link?""
""could be,"" he replied.
""your hair?was it dyed?""
a breakthrough! i told him, ""think pink.""
"
"young stacy, her first term in school,
thought that giving a class speech was cool.
yet she stood there, aghast,
as the minutes ticked past:
for she saw in each seat sat a ghoul.
"
"ascidian creatures are sea squirts,
with bodies like bags tucked in t-shirts;
through tubes in the ""sleeves,""
water pumps in, then leaves
well-filtered and pumped out in wee spurts.
"
"my aunt hedwig detested her name,
and her nephews detected her shame.
so they called her aunt ted
or used pronouns instead.
they were playing the anaphor game.
"
"the abbot of minster-by-sea
was happiest climbing a tree.
from up in his bower
he often would shower
the guests of the abbey like me!
"
"if there's mist and wet grass upon waking,
blaming dew point's a risk well worth taking.
the once humid air
sheds the dew it can't bear.
d'you follow the point i am making?
"
"with a stone, little david made wince
great goliath (no bigger man since).
he, the philistines' giant,
to david compliant ?
thus a boy did a giant evince!
"
"anapestic's the metre to use
when inspired by the limerick muse
(diddy-da, diddy-da).
there's an absolute bar
on using any other ? just refuse!
"
"""nelson's victory, world-renowned boat,
at last, is about to re-float
after years in dry dock!""
this, to most, was a shock ?
april fooled and, my, didn't i gloat!
"
"some actors respond to direction,
but others display an objection.
""look luvvy,"" they say,
""let me do it my way;
died last night, but tonight ? resurrection!""
"
"when, in calais, the evil intent
of hitler on england was bent,
""dad's army"" paraded,
completely persuaded,
his conquering plans to prevent.
"
"the bishop of westbury-on-trym
had decided to learn how to swim.
he'd sent off to vermont
for an over-sized font
wherein he could follow his whim.
"
"i've developed a crush on a lush,
but she's asked me to keep it hush-hush.
she's stressed and repressed
and she says i'm a pest ?
seems she's not in a rush to gush gush!
"
"a coloratura soprano
sang runs and trills forte (not piano).
the result ? she brought low
all the glassware on show
in the bar of the hotel lugano!
"
"cutis verticis gyrata
(researched by my old alma mater)
forms strange undulations
and odd malformations,
disturbing the scalp's usual strata.
"
"the beautiful trees of this nation
are worthy of high approbation;
the ones most deserving
have leaf edges curving,
botanically known as crenation.
"
"the word christmas is over-defined,
so i hope, my dear friends, you won't mind
if i state, without fear,
that its true meaning's clear:
peace on earth and goodwill to mankind!
"
"of archbishops we have only two,
not too many but maybe too few,
all 'cause henry viii
redesigned the old faith,
which caused a terrific to-do!
"
"a curate named fiddle, from leigh,
worked hard for his further degree.
this fervent devotion
secured his promotion
to archbishop fiddle, d.d.
"
"to achieve dematerialisation
you must send all your parts on vacation.
if you've watched dr. who
it's the tardis for you,
or if star trek it's teleportation!
"
"in my classes, the decimal system
(base-ten) was explained, but i missed 'em.
friends say ""go back to school"";
i'm ten-fingered ? no fool!
as i don't see the point, i'll resist 'em!
"
"antipasto, italians say,
starts a meal the best possible way.
but that's phoney baloney?
give me macaroni:
i'm less anti-pasta each day!
"
"should you ever be tossed from a boat
(though, i hope, an occurrence remote!),
you'll be found, if you drown,
arms stretched forward, face down.
this position is called dead man's float.
"
"g. f. handel, composer, the late,
wrote messiah in god-inspired spate.
his music: fast written.
his body: death smitten,
decomposed at a much slower rate!
"
"when you've suffered a hard knockout blow,
and you're laid on the canvas real low,
if the ref counts to ten
and you don't rise again,
then you're ""out for the count"" (a ko).
"
"to moses, who risked getting blistery,
the bush unconsumed was a mystery.
but george w., we know,
didn't last ? had to go,
consumed on the pyre of history.
"
"in physics, the curie-weiss law,
which you may not have heard of before,
concerns the attraction
of magnets in action.
(discussion in depth might just bore!)
"
"our wedding, at someone's persuasion,
was enhanced by a floral invasion.
the sweet damask rose
was the flower we chose ?
it rose to this special occasion!
"
"since finding the old dead sea scrolls,
we know more of the lives of the souls
who, alone in retreat
in the harsh desert's heat,
lived devoted to spiritual goals.
"
"campanology's known to be healing;
i'd been dumped, which had numbed every feeling,
then a bell-ringing girl
put my head in a whirl ?
i find maidens in towers appealing!
"
"demisting our car, rather sadly,
is a task that i take to quite badly;
but in winter, when vapour
comes off with a scraper,
demist-ery's sorted quite gladly!
"
"a few years ago (in my teens!)
i was taught just what chromosome means,
and that two, when combined,
lead to gender defined.
(to confirm this just take down their genes!)
"
"in cricket eleven go out
to be fielders, and scurry about.
should the batsmen come in,
then get out, they won't win
if they're out scoring nowt ? what a rout!
"
"seeking credit, i went to a friend
who, pre-credit crunch often would lend.
but a note on his door
said ""i don't any more
and a punch on the nose might offend!""
"
"if your coronary arteries send
rich blood to the heart but do tend
to get clogged up with goo,
then it's statins for you ?
or it's stents, or a by-pass, my friend!
"
"i know a young fellow, named bill,
who with cyclic disorder is ill.
he's an up and down lad:
sometimes happy, then sad.
i do hope there's a suitable pill!
"
"i'm a dear clethrionomys (vole)
and my home's underground in a hole.
slender, furry and red
with a hamster-like head,
i'm a little bit smaller than mole.
"
"of late i've discerned an affliction ?
it's a problem i have with my diction,
and i find all the time
that i'm speaking in rhyme.
do you think it's acute limeriction?
"
"anorexia's long been around,
as an eating disorder profound;
it's the 'fast' way to slim ?
there's no need for the gym ?
but its addicts are thin on the ground!
"
"i have pain along nerves. (that's neuralgic.)
my joints have it, too. (that's arthralgic.)
but the worst hurt of all
is the wistful recall
of the days before pains. (that's nostalgic.)
"
"isn't architectonic akin
to the plates underneath the earth's skin?
or?now, this is conjectural?
what architectural
types like to drink with their gin?
"
"aker's job is just not very hard?
occupation: security guard.
at the underworld's gates,
aker sits. and he waits.
and whose entry, exactly, is barred?
"
"as if using an adze were not pure enough,
and spelling it adz weren't obscure enough,
a fellow named gaddis
would call it his addice.
a triple archaism, sure enough.
"
"i've averaged data points when
i've divided their total by n.
and i've done that, at peak,
twenty times in a week,
but i've averaged seven to ten.
"
"to judge by its sound, avenaceous
must mean ""venal, avenging, audacious.""
but no, it denotes
only ""of or like oats.""
the impression, it seems, was fallacious.
"
"augustinianism per se
was monastically hip in its day.
all the monks put their trust in
the great st. augustine,
the bishop of hippo, hurray!
"
"consider the issue statistically.
can unselfishness somehow be mystically
to my benefit? gee!
so what's in it for me?
why the hell should i act altruistically?
"
"most cells, as they grow, will divide,
while others, like fat cells, grow wide.
their growth is auxetic,
which i think's pathetic.
i'd split if i could. (and i've tried!)
"
"said an old anglo-catholic from derry,
""it is most meet and right to be wary
of placing more stress
on our protestant-ness
than we do on the incense and mary.""
"
"algorism: in decimal lore,
it's the numerals: 1, 2, 3, 4....
the inventor?yes, quiz me!?
was al-khuwarizmi.
or wait. was it maybe al gore?
"
"so then, anthropomorphically speaking,
the moon may be said to be peeking
o'er the hills, or a cloud,
or, for crying out loud,
through the windows ostensibly streaking.
"
"with my left eye, the distance is clear.
with my right, i can see what is near.
ophthalmologists wink,
and they envy, i think,
my anisometropic career.
"
"as a host, i attempt to be gracious.
but dear fungus, your gift is vexatious:
an acervulus, sister?
asexual, blister-
like, spore-making structure? audacious!
"
"""as an archbishop does""? that sounds queer.
""archbishopally""? now, see here:
forget that malarky.
the right term is archi-
episcopally. is that clear?
"
"my admonitrix oftentimes quips
that her style of admonishing skips
any forceful command;
but in anagram land,
she would utilize handcuffs and whips.
"
"arnie cooperman, plural repair.
you got atria, huh? that's not rare.
yeah, we see that a lot.
but hey, buddy, fear not.
they'll be atriums...in...just...one...there!
"
"in his anthropocentrism, neil
saw the lumber and thought, ""what a deal!
that'll be my new shed!""
but the termites, instead,
saw a marvelous seven-course meal.
"
"anticlericalism indeed!
that's supposed to be some kind of creed?
hating white collar work
is the sign of a jerk,
father mike and the mayor agreed.
"
"the anarcho-syndicalist
believes that the workers exist
to take over and lead
and attend to the need
of the masses. then maybe get pissed.
"
"methinks i risk marital strife
when i say, ""i love aardvarks alife!""
the sentiment's pure,
but the word is obscure,
says my lexicographical wife.
"
"antismoking? you bet. yes, it's true.
it's disgusting and rude, in my view.
but i'm not some dumb wacko
who's antitobacco.
i don't mind the kind you can chew.
"
"averroism, seen as the bane
of the church, was at odds to make plain
how a frenchman would seek
to interpret a greek
by way of an arab from spain.
"
"""is that all?"" asked the doctor aversively,
pooh-poohing my symptoms subversively.
so i let out a groan,
and i slammed down the phone,
and i wrote a complaint to him, cursively.
"
"albuminiparous: making albumin.
it applies to both hen and to human,
from zsa zsa gabor
to the late dinah shore,
even president harry s truman.
"
"they say god's whole creation is flawless,
but to me, it seems utterly lawless.
take the agnathan. she
would most surely agree.
she's eel-like, poor dear, and she's jawless!
"
"a professor who hailed from st. paul,
fully tenured before she could crawl,
was a prodigy. she
earned her first ph.d.
antenatally, as i recall.
"
"in calvinist holland, contrarians
started challenging predestinarians.
in so doing, a schism?
arminianism?
occurred. (thank you, reference librarians!)
"
"now we come to our best item yet.
place a bid on this nice bassinet!
it's authentic peruvian
antediluvian
wicker. and look, it's still wet!
"
"the autoexemplified word
is a thrill for the lexical nerd.
adjectival with glee,
he adverbially
verbs the noun until gerund-ing's heard.
"
"you can call me a grouch or a cynic,
but if daffodils need an auxinic
so their cells will form shoots
and elongate for roots,
they can get their own ride to the clinic.
"
"this whole area once was a sea.
over eons, its floor came to be
sedimentary rock,
and right here, where we walk,
it developed autochthonously.
"
"the automatist's very emphatic
that our actions are all automatic.
but if he's correct
about cause-and-effect,
then why's our behavior erratic?
"
"on the ancient egyptian's demise,
his spirit (or akh) would arise
to join the akh-akh
as new kid on the block
for eternal repose in the skies.
"
"""what's your problem?"" vic grumbled and cursed
at his date as she daintily nursed
a small, warm glass of beer.
sue responded in fear,
""it's adipsia ? absence of thirst.""
"
"avidya: it means i forgot
my divinity. that is my lot.
you see that old sod?
he thinks that he's god.
i am, but i think that i'm not.
"
"the almond (a nut with compunction)
went to court to request an injunction
to obtain a new shape?
maybe one like a grape?
but amygdaliform follows function.
"
"when a unit is called absolute,
only length, mass, and time are its root;
or the scale has a zero
that's real, says my hero,
the legend named oliver smoot.
"
"i'm above the whole us of a;
god above surely wants it that way.
i'm above (did i mention?)
geneva's convention,
but not above saying i pray.
"
"the bos'n's mate shouted, ""move after!""
i had never heard anything dafter.
""after whom?"" i inquired,
as the crew were inspired
to uproarious torrents of laughter.
"
"it's a phrase that stands somewhat apart,
loosely tied to the sentence's heart.
absolute in construction,
this sort of production
detaches the horse from the cart.
"
"when a normally transitive verb
has no object, it's apt to disturb.
that's not verbal abuse,
it's the absolute use
of the word, and i think it's superb.
"
"my style's ambiversive, i'd say,
which refers to a median way:
i'm outgoing at times,
but i also make rhymes
all alone in my bedroom all day.
"
"doc, it comes like a bolt from the blue
that a worm can get parasites, too.
my little worm lydia?
actinomyxidia?
damn! what the hell do we do?
"
"the tanning of hides, alutation,
in a less-common manifestation
may expose nether regions
of danes and norwegians
who lie on a beach on vacation.
"
"so the ice that was in that vicinity
started melting from heat or salinity.
tell me, audumla, how
did it make you a cow?
i would sure like to know, your bovinity.
"
"there's a japanese samurai story
that's completely annihilatory:
a protocol lapse
leads to permanent naps
for a whole bunch of guys. very gory.
"
"said bruce wayne to his youthful ward dick,
""i'm so tired of this crime-fighting shtick!
it's bat-this and bat-that,
bat bat bat bat bat bat.
this battology's making me sick.""
"
"they think surgical studies are done
inhumanely; they'd rather see none.
the account antiviv-
isectionists give
is it's cutting up monkeys for fun.
"
"on the shore of a tiny lagoon
was constructed a crude barracoon
where the convicts were held,
and, moreover, compelled
to perform (for the crew) brigadoon.
"
"backwoodsman: a true pioneer?
unrefined like the open frontier.
or it's also a twit
who will not do his bit,
seldom sitting in lords as a peer.
"
"the ecclesial practice called banns
(the announcement of marital plans)
should be done more than twice
before throwing-of-rice
in the woman's home church, and the man's.
"
"truer words i have never heard spoken:
if the valve in his toilet is broken,
the wise man forswears
making ball cock repairs;
he'll replace the whole thing. i'm not jokin'.
"
"oh waiter, observe through this loupe
how the backstroke's performed in my soup.
that fly could have drowned,
but he paddled around
upside down after making a ploop.
"
"on the wall of a mafia tomb
is inscribed bada-bing-bada-boom.
it's a phrase (like percussion)
for ending discussion?
symbolically meant, i assume.
"
"the chill in this room makes me shrink;
watch her antipathetically wink!
she has hostile intent,
and i say in lament:
it's antipathy iceberg, i think.
"
"it's climbing and woody, and carries
green blossoms, inedible berries.
this little synopsis
defines ampelopsis.
either viney or shrubby?it varies.
"
"""in the beginning, there wasn't the word,""
the alogian faithful averred.
john's gospel? rejected.
(with logos infected.)
apocalypse? no, last i heard.
"
"while floods make my lifestyle the ficklest,
i'm contented to be an amnicolist.
i become all aquiver
at ""down by the river-
side"" played by my daughter, the piccolist.
"
"mythic ampyx's total synopsis:
spouse of chloris and father of mopsus.
and when growing your bangs,
for your hair as it hangs,
use an ampyx to fix how it flopses.
"
"anchoritic, we live in a cave,
nearly naked and hungry; and save
for intrusions by tourists,
we're solitude purists.
so kindly move on, and just wave.
"
"what's the african continent's place?
afrocentrism says it's the base;
and as afrocentricity
notes with felicity:
source of the whole human race.
"
"jimi hendricus, roman musician,
wrote a truly sublime composition:
titled ""alula""?sung
""little wing"" in our tongue?
it can mean ""bastard-wing,"" in addition.
"
"now, in alcoholometry class,
the professor provides you a glass.
your job is to measure
the ethanol pleasure
within, either volume or mass.
"
"this ""science"" (in quotes) agonistics
uses balls, maybe; never ballistics.
even if they're terrific,
are sports scientific?
(well, they do make some use of statistics.)
"
"acrocephalus (means ""pointy-headed""):
a genus of birds that are wedded
to wetlands; they're all
insectivorous, small,
and delicious sauteed, lightly breaded.
"
"this collar is shaped like an arch;
it's as rough as the bark of a larch.
now my neck is contused
from the amidin used.
(that's the soluble matter in starch.)
"
"""you're a bawcock?a jolly fine fellow!""
archie says to his pal donatello.
but if he gets miffed,
watch his attitude shift:
""you're a bauson?a badger!"" he'll bellow.
"
"do the peta folks ever protest
on behalf of this bloodsucking pest?
from kinshasa to quito,
good antimosquito
procedures are constantly stressed.
"
"carroll's coinage, in everyday usance,
means a person, uncouth and a nuisance;
or a beast that's not real
with a frumious zeal
that today might be deemed dr. seussance.
"
"this ribbon (with battle star) here
was the peak of my army career,
for my role in the battle
of central seattle,
securing that starbucks last year.
"
"the word ban is an old appellation
a slavonian or a croatian
or hungarian knew
for a governor who
was in charge of a part of their nation.
"
"where the moss-covered cypresses grow
and the water is swampy and slow,
we'll go fish on the bayou
'cause i want to fry you
some catfish in hushpuppy dough.
"
"my wife is so damned domineering
i pretend that i'm losing my hearing.
when the insults begin,
i just shrug with a grin;
the old battle-ax thinks it's endearing.
"
"it's a battle-ax! perfect for hacking
when i'm out on a raid and ransacking.
thank you, honey. it's so
very thoughtful. you know,
it's exactly the tool i've been lacking.
"
"the expressions and words that one picks
can repulse, but can also transfix.
all in all, one assumes
that your use of bazooms
(meaning breasts) offends women (or chicks).
"
"by abstriction this fungus makes spores:
the sporophore coyly ignores
the septum, whose growing
(like biblical knowing)
shears spores, then rolls over and snores.
"
"other lawyers would say with disdain
that jane's kindliness made her a drain
on the legal profession;
they coined an expression:
want friendship? call amity jane!
"
"coming up on survivor: malaysia,
each tribe gets a wild ox of asia
called a banteng. they're tough.
tie it up with your buff
and milk it. you're up, anastasia.
"
"alternative paper is crass;
make mine coated and smoother than glass.
this sugar cane stuff
is too dingy and rough.
i don't want it, so move your bagasse.
"
"see the spirals on top of that column?
they're volutes, and i helped to install 'em.
and between 'em, that band?
it's a balteus: grand
little feature?unless they recall 'em.
"
"a fruit-loving fellow from guam
loved balaustine desserts (made of pom-
egranate, whose flowers
have medicinal powers
when dried, as a tea or a balm).
"
"if medieval manuel or petrarca
had a zipper of gold on his parka,
you can bet that he'd store
such a treasure and more
in a specialized chest called an arca.
"
"balneology, sir, is the study
of bathing and baths, not some bloody
little lab in a loo
with a window where you
look at chicks in a tub, with your buddy.
"
"yes, we have a position to fill?
sweeping up on the floor of the mill?
but our aptitude test
shows you'd really do best
in a job that requires less skill.
"
"mr. jackson's progressive alphosis
(if that is the correct diagnosis)
makes him so very pale
that the tabloids on sale
all assume that it ought to engross us.
"
"my attorney's ad unguem advice
is exacting, complete, and precise.
legal practice entails
more than manicured nails,
though his are, to be fair, very nice.
"
"allopurinol's helping me out
with the painful affliction of gout.
with some hearty amens, i'm
replacing the enzyme
this nasty disease is about.
"
"doc, we've noticed a yellowish thing
on her corneal margins?a ring.
but do not tell aunt phyllis
it's arcus senilis;
you'll leave with your ass in a sling.
"
"aloysius is certainly stout:
more than 200 inches about.
his phenomenal girth
is the largest in perth,
and his diet's about to cause gout.
"
"anna dipsia felt she was cursed:
anadipsia (abnormal thirst)
had struck her in bali?
a german svengali
had plied her with pretzels and wurst.
"
"young oliver's ailing: it sickens
his heart to be killing his chickens.
they persist in resisting
while oliver's twisting
their necks, which must hurt like the dickens.
"
"in the time of the prophet, his call
held the ashab (companions) in thrall.
when his lifetime was done,
they amounted to one
hundred forty-four thousand in all.
"
"quipped the second-rate riverbed comic,
""i'm not saying they're autopotamic,
but my neighbors the trout
are about to move out
'cause their water bill's so astronomic.""
"
"back on campus, the epithet greek
carries with it a certain mystique.
to the ancients, a flat
full of men was no frat,
but an andron?downstairs, so to speak.
"
"in the realm of medieval romance,
the ideal of the man with a lance
is named amadis?knight
who is errant, and might
wear some tight-fitting manganese pants.
"
"hugh complained to miss march in the grotto
that the name they had given his auto-
biographical sketch?
hef the lecher can kvetch?
might be true, but it wasn't his motto.
"
"since contracting a case of tb,
i've received all my care cod:
i get antitubercular
drugs from a circular.
shipping, moreover, is free.
"
"it struck me while taking a shower:
i would like to have absolute power.
oppressing a peasant
could be rather pleasant,
or locking my wife in a tower.
"
"the conservative party are hoary?
somewhat stodgy, but more to their glory.
while they may be old hat,
i applaud them for that;
you might say i'm appreciatory.
"
"for  anglicanism worldwide,
that which binds them can also divide.
with consensus a rarity,
faith, hope, and charity,
sadly, no longer abide.
"
"that's a stench that could reach oklahoma!
it could wake a man out of a coma!
so i'll say my goodbyes
to the smell and the flies.
ta-ta! arrivederci, aroma!
"
"the archbishop announced with regret
all the names of the parishes set
to be closed; a great shame,
and for this he laid blame
on the huge archdiocesan debt.
"
"don't stare at my patrons. it's boorish.
you nutritionists, always voyeurish!
big deal! so i'm fallible?
hot dogs aren't alible:
wieners do little to nourish.
"
"when i first heard the name, i innately
knew that azerbaijan must be stately.
well, it took me a year,
but i'm finally here.
i'm an azerbaijani-come-lately.
"
"that man called us andromonoecious!
i assume he was being facetious.
how dare he define us
with both monoclinous
and staminate blossoms?how specious!
"
"hear the vowels in sink, sank, and sunk?
they're exactly like drink, drank, and drunk.
they're called ablauts, i'm told,
but the pattern won't hold
when extended to skink, skank, and skunk.
"
"it would be unbelievably cool
if my parents had raised me baul:
i'd have much more respect
for a dogma-free sect
than a stupid parochial school.
"
"see the plume that extends from that peak?
it's produced by the winds as they streak
past the sides and make whirls,
and the backdraft unfurls
as a banner cloud, lending mystique.
"
"a nerd had an ugly infection,
a flaw in his facial complexion.
to map it, he drew
three dimensions as two
in an axonometric projection.
"
"when we moved here, we knew you might hate us,
but we doubted you'd heckle and bait us.
""artsy-fartsy!"" you yell,
which is all very well,
but we artists aren't known for our flatus!
"
"when i offer a lady addresses,
the expression most often impresses.
but then when i mention
the word means ""attention""
(not houses), it sorely distresses!
"
"that vet said my goat had dyspepsia,
and my fruit bat a form of ablepsia.
but then, fido, i find
they're not nauseous or blind;
so i can't let that dunderhead schlepp see ya.
"
"in pacific locales and in asia
(mostly tropical parts like malaysia),
adenanthera trees
catch the warm summer breeze;
the red sandalwood's height will amaze ya.
"
"a laundry professor from brighton
wrote a paper he hoped would enlighten:
""on the role of white shorts
in the spectator sports:
albificative agents can whiten.""
"
"an agomphious geezer from ghent
held his dentures in place with cement.
with this durable grout,
they would never come out.
those were two or three euros well spent!
"
"twice a year, on the feasts of ascension
(there are two in berlin, did i mention?),
the himmelfahrt sisters
administer blisters,
their celebratory convention.
"
"when you've wearied of lecturing, quiz 'em
on aristotelianism.
and if?even in jest?
they ask, ""that on the test?""
without missing a beat, ""yes-it-is"" 'em.
"
"analogy is to comparison
as van morrison is to george harrison.
that's from logos or ""word""?
ancient greek, so i've heard?
and anal for something embarrassin'.
"
"every time there's an earthquake disaster
turkish stores raise their prices for plaster:
eighty aspers or more
for a bag that before
would have fetched only half a piaster.
"
"in this era of deregulation,
england's alnage deserves exhumation,
for it set woolen cloth
a new standard the goth
never knew, nor the jute, nor alsatian.
"
"algerine can mean simply ""algerian"";
or ""a pirate"" (a different criterion);
or a fabric i'm certain
would make a nice curtain?
it sounds altogether shakespearean!
"
"i'm enjoying my oxford career?
all the puddings, the roasts, and the beer.
mum pays for my battels,
then fusses and prattles.
(she gets rather maudlin, i fear.)
"
"your attention span's short, and what's worse,
you're attracted to writing in verse.
i suppose, if you like, you
could focus on haiku
and limericks; both are quite terse.
"
"in the market for new basal ganglia?
come to brain mart, right here in east anglia.
shop around?only we
have a year's guarantee
against intracell nerve-fibre-tanglia!
"
"immortality? deathlessness? phooey!
athanasia's a big load of hooey?
unless your endeavor
by living forever
is watching the world go kablooey!
"
"i had ordered the cattleman's steak,
baked potato, and devil's food cake.
but the portions were small!
i'm fed up with it all?
had a bellyful, all i can take!
"
"sally's silly to sully (besmirch)
the good name of our neighborhood church.
she's concluded the place
is a dirty disgrace,
based on gossip. (she calls it ""research."")
"
"bleeding hearts feel the poor and the sick
always get the short end of the stick.
others think that compassion
is way out of fashion?
just liberal hollywood shtick.
"
"when the stock of your favorite celeb,
having peaked, is beginning to ebb,
just remember, dear sister,
that fame is a blister?
a fluid-filled bubble; a bleb.
"
"made of riveted canvas or denim,
tough as nails and resistant to venom,
these blue jeans are slacks
in which wranglers relax.
some embroider 'em; some ballpoint pen 'em.
"
"berdache rather crudely describes
what in most north american tribes
was a person whose gender
was harder to render
in accurate terms than in gibes.
"
"i'm a blabbermouth! gifted with gab,
i jabber and blather and blab.
i yammer and chatter,
and hey, what's the matter?
is this your first time in a cab?
"
"while we know that you're very well-read,
people don't understand what you said.
do you think that it's cool
to say ""belonoid tool""
when you might have said ""needle"" instead?
"
"it's bituminous coal we'll combust;
that's my energy policy's thrust.
soft coal's the solution!
don't mind the pollution?
you'll sulfur in silence, i trust.
"
"""hey, two-eyes,"" the cyclops will hoot,
""how's your fancy perception, you fruit?""
my binocular vision
just draws his derision?
that non-depth-perceiving galloot!
"
"democratic to frankly despotic;
more inflected to more anaptotic?
as our governments shift,
so, too, languages drift.
is it cyclic, or simply chaotic?
"
"i've amended?corrected my flaws?
and it's done for a very good cause.
i've amended my ways
for the sentencing phase
of my trial. (damned obscenity laws!)
"
"in my vows, i was waxing poetic;
the effect on my bride was emetic.
she puked autonomically
(not to say comically).
me? i was unsympathetic.
"
"since my garden is small, it has nary a
single species from genus fumaria.
but adlumia might
be the herb that fits right?
since it climbs, it won't need a large area.
"
"no offense to louisa may a.,
but this studio ain't gonna pay
any serious money
for a screenplay called honey,
i've shrunken the women, okay?
"
"apostolic succession (historic)
is emphatically not metaphoric,
and apostolicity
not a ""publicity
stunt."" don't be so sophomoric.
"
"in our anthropo-(human)-centricity,
we assume, in self-centered simplicity,
that we own the whole earth,
and for all that it's worth,
we'll exploit it, ignoring toxicity.
"
"you've been seeking both hither and yon
the location of azerbaijan?
try the westerly shore
of the caspian. or
just below, in northwestern iran.
"
"my love fer my backhoe has growed
as i seen how it handles a load.
that's the primary factor
fer parkin' my tractor
out front, here at 2 backhoe road.
"
"oceanographer ollie will stand
at the prow and take soundings by hand.
a hole in the plummet
holds arming, and from it
come samples of rock, mud, or sand.
"
"that young lady who seems to be winking
isn't really flirtatious, i'm thinking.
that's blepharospasm
(my grandmother has 'em):
spasmodic, repetitive blinking.
"
"when i married maria, she knew
i was already married to you.
yes, it's bigamy, dear,
but i want to be clear:
i believe that it's big of her, too.
"
"in animal labs, the aversiveness
of stimuli makes for perversiveness:
to hassle a rabbit
and shock it and jab it....
how would you cope, were roles in reversiveness?
"
"as a catholic, i've started to wonder
if my marrying young was a blunder.
if i've goofed, i must weather
what god's joined together
and no one should dare put asunder.
"
"east of borneo, real estate's hot,
but i wouldn't consider a spot
on the shoreline of celebes:
wreck-your-umbrella breeze
squalls are their norm, called barat.
"
"this restaurant is known for its greenery
and its view of the mountainous scenery.
the cuisine is superb,
says this magazine blurb.
(why the heck do they call it a beanery?)
"
"making sugar from cane leaves a mass
of detritus that's known as bagasse.
while this writer's exempt,
many others attempt
to make puns on such words. how low class!
"
"""the koran is a book that will last
through eternity, if we hold fast
in a literal way,""
alcoranists will say.
""c'mon, boys, head 'em off at the past!""
"
"from louisa may alcott (the writer):
he's a quirky conservative fighter.
they're four lovely spies
(in bikinis, you guys!)?
lethal women. the right just got righter.
"
"avalokitesvara's packed;
he sails off to debut his new act.
with reassigned gender
she's even more tender,
the goddess of mercy, in fact.
"
"in our dorsally focussed society,
terminology ruffles propriety:
from tush to patooty
to butt to bazooty
to booty (non-pirate variety).
"
"in a surgical face-mask and bowler,
he bid on john merrick's premolar.
the famous bicuspid
(at eight-figures-plus bid)
went home with the proud rock-and-roller.
"
"i have recently gotten the notion
to worship with fervent emotion.
with such bhakti, i give a
few gifts to lord shiva,
small tokens of deepest devotion.
"
"biting midge was the name of the flick;
i imagined a biteable chick.
but i got it all wrong?
over two hours long,
on a bug that sucks blood like a tick.
"
"my bipolar disorder's incessant:
when depressed, i'm inert and quiescent.
then poof goes my dolor?
a mighty high roller
am i! on a high! effervescent!
"
"see the skull in the following slide:
the occipital aspect is wide,
while the frontal is narrow
(a bit like an arrow);
it's beloid in shape, cut and dried.
"
"a driver need not be a thinker
to indicate turns with a blinker.
a nitwit can learn
how to signal a turn:
just maneuver the lever, you stinker.
"
"the bindlestiff's ultimate goal:
total freedom from outside control.
the hobo would pack
all he owned in a sack
(called a bindle) he'd tote on a pole.
"
"a sonata like this is a test
of the talent with which one is blessed.
your ""performance"" (in quotes),
which missed half of the notes,
was approximatura at best.
"
"in my youth, i had eyes like a kewpie;
now my lids have become rather droopy.
i'd have blepharoplasty,
but surgery's nasty
and makes me excessively loopy.
"
"many admirals like being bluff
when attempting to speak off the cuff.
they're outspoken and frank
as a token of rank,
but good natured, i think, and not gruff.
"
"he's the ultimate blurbist! congrats!
his reviews are effusive, and that's
why he's quoted worldwide?
i laughed and i cried!
a triumph! he's better than cats!
"
"nosferatu's new agency tried
re-inventing his image. supplied
with refurbished ideals
and a new set of wheels,
""to the bloodmobile, batboy!"" he cried.
"
"applications of modern biology
may conflict with a group's ideology.
some say altering genes
using sewing machines
is preferred over biotechnology.
"
"my guru has left me in doubt:
what is union with brahma about?
are deep meditation
and true liberation
just ecstasy?being blissed-out?
"
"a philanthropist, francis x. smith,
made a sizeable gift to b'nai b'rith.
his foundation was newish,
and frank wasn't jewish;
a thank you note followed forthwith.
"
"poor klaus, an herbivorous kraut,
felt on visits a little put aut,
for his backbiting aunts
always padlocked their plants,
and would shaut, ""you're a spraut-tauting laut!""
"
"hematologists now can relate a
condition called cooley's or beta
thalassemia to
certain ethnic groups through
epidemiological data.
"
"the birder's existence is rife
with adventure and danger and strife.
in heat like a sauna
i watched avifauna
while bird-watchers ogled my wife.
"
"like a top-heavy manic flamingo,
she stood up, shook her arms, and yelled ""bingo!""
we gaped at her, rapt,
as her upper arms flapped;
they were bingo wings. (such is the lingo.)
"
"to the pure land devotional sect,
meditation is too circumspect.
by chanting the name
amitabha, their aim
is salvation that's much more direct.
"
"my editor randy insisted
every s&m source that existed
be shown as a reference.
i did so, in deference:
they're bibliographically listed.
"
"ross and sal had a tiff about gertie
(their sea bird) about seven-thirty:
""she's a black-footed albatross,""
pointed out sal, but ross
countered, ""her feet are just dirty.""
"
"they grow trees in a cluster like crops,
but those gangsters use terms that are flops:
what i've heard is their custom
to call the arbustum
or arbor, i'm calling the copse.
"
"""first offense earns a slap on the wrist.
after that, if you choose to persist,
you'll be dragged by your ears,
and in front of your peers
i'll berascal you,"" headmaster hissed.
"
"be careful when doing inspections
of arteriovenous connections.
they're essential to life,
and when sliced with a knife
they leak badly in many directions.
"
"in las vegas, casinos don't gamble:
they know that the customers scramble
to see a big name.
it just isn't the same
when the floor show is rush or glen campbell.
"
"we, the church, will decide what is true,
and to doubt holy writ is taboo.
galileo's compliance
with our antiscience
agenda is long overdue.
"
"some marines are in alcohol's orbit;
in their bibulousness, they absorb it.
their spongelike display
they attempt to downplay
with that pitiful esprit de corps bit.
"
"when in port on a west indies cruise,
though they could wear their whites, sailors choose
to dress up and not down
for their shore leave in town;
they enjoy hearing rhythm in blues.
"
"anthropologist enters a bar.
gets a drink. says, ""nice people, you are.
yes indeed, very kind....
in a bit of a bind;
left my wallet, it seems, in dakar.""
"
"the new bishop, a man with panache,
can employ holy water with flash.
bemoaning the clergy's
too-timid asperges,
he's certainly making a splash.
"
"sell this antiestablishment look
to some lame counter-culture type schnook.
it's my modus vivendi
to try to look trendy
and not like a short-order cook.
"
"when a substance is termed amphiprotic,
its behavior is somewhat quixotic:
both an acid and base,
it has more than one face?
not exactly insane, but neurotic.
"
"epileptics like me, i daresay,
wish our pills were a bit more gourmet.
with our anticonvulsives
we're total compulsives,
but dream of dilantin sorbet.
"
"to an actor, above means ""upstage"";
engineers, though, think ""up on a gauge.""
a zoology source'll
say ""upper or dorsal"";
and writers, ""look up, on this page.""
"
"i write in my journal adays?
yes, that's right, every day?and it pays:
a little reflection
affords some protection
from living as if in a haze.
"
"he handles disputes with address;
he's been trained in that field, i would guess.
his adroitness is grand,
but i don't understand
why a frock should improve his success.
"
"my cholesterol's up. can't deny it.
but it's not that there's lots in my diet.
the liver's its source?
manufactured, of course,
quite autogenously. so be quiet.
"
"for a temple design to be solemn,
one must properly space every column.
the araeostyle plan's
four-diameter spans
are just right...for a skateboarding slalom!
"
"my boss has assigned me the task
to define the word boss: it's a cask
or a bottle or butt?
yes, it does sound like smut,
and it may have a bung-hole. i'll ask.
"
"our outrageous executive bonus
is becoming a bit of an onus.
such high compensation
through bonification
has stockholders planning to stone us.
"
"if you publish a book in azeri,
you will find that the alphabets vary:
whereas azerbaijan
has cyrillic, iran
uses arabic. printers, be wary!
"
"risking bias, they based their projections
on stratified random selections
of registered voters
at land rover motors'
new showroom, with perfect complexions.
"
"diane cephalon said that her brain
had incurred a significant sprain:
every time that she sneezed,
her betweenbrain was squeezed
by her brainstem and cortex. the pain!
"
"the amphodarch running this quarter
of the city, i told the reporter,
thinks gambling and vice
bring our neighborhood ""spice.""
i'm the gentleman's biggest supporter.
"
"in the apocatastasis, satan
at last will be able to straighten
things out with the lord,
and perhaps can afford
to live somewhere more pleasant, like dayton.
"
"it's the chief apiologist's duty
to determine which bees are acuti-
lingual species?the tongue
and the head are among
their distinguishing marks. and they're snooty.
"
"""anacamptic!"" i shout into space,
and it bounces right back in my face.
it's a word that reflects
such echoic effects
as occurred in that just-mentioned case.
"
"at the feast, i'm obliged to partake
of a serving of specialized cake.
if a bean is within,
i'm the bean-king! i win!
(note: no lady, no sword, and no lake.)
"
"with a block system, railroads take pains
to prevent the collision of trains:
just one train to a block,
night and day, taking stock
automatically (not with their brains).
"
"a blasphemous drunkard named sweeney
built a shrine to the vodka martini,
preaching ultimate truth
made of one part vermouth,
four parts vodka, and one string bikini.
"
"that untouchable, eliot ness,
has had little (if any) success
intercepting the pot
used by bhangis a lot
as they scavenge, to ease their distress.
"
"my editor rudely bescribbles
my manuscripts, noting her quibbles.
she does her best thinking
(she thinks) when she's drinking,
to judge by the smudges and dribbles.
"
"as a poet, i must needs berhyme
something beautiful?something sublime.
in bright verse i'll discern
what a grecian might earn:
what he's owed for his labor and time.
"
"our special tonight is beshow.
it's a cold-water fish you may know
as black cod. it's served grilled,
topped with mayonnaise, dilled,
with a side of polenta cousteau.
"
"from the heat and the dryness and dust,
in the distance a spiraling gust
called a bhut (from the hindi)
blows dusty and windy,
but isn't intense or robust.
"
"the old man of the mountain's precarious
position seemed oddly hilarious.
his beetle-brows shaded
his face, but cascaded
to earth and, thank god, didn't bury us.
"
"there is little, if anything, lower
than he who behaves like a blower.
if braggarts should roast
down in hell, they would boast
the rotisserie they're on goes slower.
"
"in my volkswagen beetle, i chug
up a hill, and i know it must bug
all the drivers behind,
but this auto's designed
to be frugal...and i to be smug.
"
"once enlightened, the arhat will flee
as a death-and-rebirth escapee.
bodhisattvas, however,
proclaim they will never
depart until everyone's free.
"
"since i'm sure you won't want to misspeak
when pronouncing in ancient-type greek,
stress is never incurred
in a barytone word
at the end. make that syllable weak.
"
"take a middle-aged reference librarian,
a monastic and tonsured sectarian,
one who fixes and cleans
all the copy machines,
and combine them; you've got an armarian.
"
"looming out from a towering wall
is a bartizan twenty feet tall.
it's a marvelous turret,
but still, i'd prefer it
were not on the side of a mall.
"
"every time i employ a physician
for a menial household position,
and i pay him his arles,
he abusively snarls,
""this is no way to pay a clinician!""
"
"i was feeding a squid chocolate chips
and avoiding her nibbles and nips;
on her actinal side
(when i said, ""open wide!"")
was a beak where i thought i'd see lips.
"
"""anitya!"" the old buddhist grouch
yelled in sanskrit at bees from his couch.
""you're anatman, you bee,
and you're dukkha like me:
impermanent, soulless, and ouch!""
"
"i'm basing my undergrad thesis
on impairments i've seen in this rhesus.
his lack of improvements
in alternate movement's
called adiadochokinesis.
"
"hear that choppy effect? i have pinned it on
conjunctions the speaker's rescinded, don.
that staccato he gets
dropping nors, buts, and yets?
it's a trick called adversative asyndeton.
"
"with accolated (overlapped) spacing,
our profiles look wonderful gracing
this lovely italian
pure silver medallion.
we are, nonetheless, self-effacing.
"
"finger sandwiches (always so grand!)
were the entree the cannibals planned.
they invite us and feed us;
to claim they mislead us
would seem to be ""biting the hand.""
"
"many brewmasters like to indulge,
but may also, in private, divulge
that they secretly tremble
they'll grow to resemble
a barrel, whose bilge is a bulge.
"
"alessandro, the dramatist-furrier,
sends me drafts of his plays via courier.
since he writes them on mink
using watery ink,
they're like ibsen, i think, but much blurrier.
"
"in the twenties they called the game beano
and gambled without a casino.
in modern-day lingo,
the game is called bingo;
it's played in las vegas and reno.
"
"the conservative guy on my right
has been muttering nonsense all night.
is his blimpishness real
or an impish appeal
to engage in a partisan fight?
"
"your saucy cuisine is outlandish!
you're a casserole brando might brandish!
these statements i took
from a recipe book:
how to flatter and blandish a bland dish.
"
"that helmeted pilgrim, miles standish,
loved blondes, and he started to blandish
a lass who was blondish
of whom he was fondish.
his actions were branded outlandish.
"
"a wee, timorous beastie? no way!
he's a sinewy chap from bombay.
this indian laddie
would make a fine caddy:
a bheestie totes water all day.
"
"to the farmer, the dung in the dell
has an odor he loves and knows well.
but the captain won't sniff
down below in his skiff
for that bilgy (or sewage-y) smell.
"
"there's a limit that's sometimes policed
on the number of masses per priest.
to engage in bination,
an authorization
must come from his bishop, at least.
"
"since you vice squad detectives were sauced,
there's a point over which you all glossed:
to make valid arrests,
don't just size up their chests;
when they prostitute, hookers accost!
"
"alectoromachy, one might suspect,
is a sport to which women object.
thought i'm cocky (a bit),
i'm no cockfighting twit?
just politically [henpecked!] correct.
"
"the bidet is a porcelain throne
fairly few north americans own
where the user just sits,
gives the chassis a spritz,
and dries off the appropriate zone.
"
"for the present, i'd like to conceal
that i'm spanish. (i come from castile.)
i'll assibilate ss
to dodge people's guesses?
deceptive, but not a big deal.
"
"the people have spoken, i'd say,
choosing me above him. in a way,
they have lent me a hand
to assure that our land
will be taxless, well armed, and less gay.
"
"i'm a limerick writer. what's worse,
i compose the damned things in reverse.
i'm so arsy-varsy
i write them in farsi,
then put them in english, and curse.
"
"in my blindfold, i'd like very much
to discern what this is that i clutch.
no, i don't have psychosis;
astereognosis
prevents me from knowing by touch.
"
"my driveway looks more like a ditch,
so my box blade goes onto the hitch
of my tractor to scrape
the dirt road into shape:
rounded top, with a minimal pitch.
"
"the victorian bathing machine
(part cabana, part beach limousine)
is a closet on wheels
where the occupant peels
and re-dresses without being seen.
"
"you maintain that i typify anti-
intellectualism, but can't i
(if such be my bent)
view a nascar event?
shall i still have a brain then, or shan't i?
"
"our home's in the sunshine all day,
as it sits on the mountain's adret.
we feel safer up here,
and the air is so clear?
you can see all the way to pompeii!
"
"i can neither confirm nor deny
that apophasis ought to apply
when a fact is denied
but denial's belied
by a comment allowed to slip by.
"
"the rooster-attorney alliance
led the judge to employ an appliance:
notes of warning were sent
as attempts to prevent
those rascals from clucking defiance.
"
"i have taken the landscaper's oath:
to remove all this boskage?this growth!
all the saplings and shrubs
will be cut down to nubs
using loppers or chainsaws (or both).
"
"private funding in hand, we'll revamp
all the open-air chapels at camp.
they'll be woodsy and bosky
and churchy and mosque-y
and synagoguesque. (also damp.)
"
"trading stocks on a foreign exchange
(called a bourse) can be risky and strange.
there's a stove-making firm
that has promise long-term,
but it trades in a limited range.
"
"to the charming, discreet bourgeoisie
(middle-class as a glass of chablis),
the ""means of production""
is just a construction
to rankle the powers that be.
"
"fairy godmothers singing the blues
in their kerchiefs and sensible shoes
can bring crowds to their feet,
but i stay in my seat
and shout bibbidi-bobbidi-boos.
"
"she stares blankly and gives no response
when she's having a seizure (absence).
if you don't know her well
you can't tell such a spell
from ennui or extreme nonchalance.
"
"it's an antelope, smallish in size,
known for elegance, swiftness, and eyes
that are lustrous and soft
and expressive, and oft
simply swarming with bothersome flies.
"
"acosmism seems to insist
that the universe doesn't exist.
if that's true (knock on wood),
then i certainly should
cross it off from my christmas card list.
"
"an ill omen implies the abominable,
while inhuman connotes the abhominable.
one more i'd suggest:
this big bulge in my vest
is deplorable, base, and abdominable.
"
"aprosexia?just its mere mention
engenders severe apprehension.
is it sex with a pro,
or in aprons, or.... no,
it's just ""trouble sustaining attention.""
"
"female aardvarks are gentiles?they're shiksas;
they serve foods that the kosher crowd nixes.
they consider it safe
to eat all sorts of treif,
such as ants that parade on all sixes.
"
"education is asrama one.
two is work. (not a great deal of fun.)
number three: leave society;
four: practice piety?
live as a hermit or nun.
"
"see this black-market cuban cigar?
picked it up at a very nice bar.
until castro's converted,
the law will be skirted,
and markets will sometimes be noir.
"
"agenesic means sterile; infecund;
couldn't rise when fertility beckoned;
unable to spawn;
reproduction is gone....
(yes, my darling. be there in a second.)
"
"in the canaanite council, the tribe
called the ammonites moved to proscribe
the expression odiferous
ammonitiferous
sediment used as a gibe.
"
"in the morning, a scotsman may forage
for breakfast, and settle on porridge.
his bowl, called a bicker,
is wood (never wicker,
which leaks, but is better for storage).
"
"locomotive designers designing
for the industries, logging and mining,
say the barney is small,
but still able to haul
whatsoever the boss is assigning.
"
"i think most people traffic in arms?
and i know that word sets off alarms?
but it's really quite charming
to profit by arming
regimes. i don't ask whom it harms....
"
"acrocyanosis is when
i'm exposed to cold weather, and then
toes and fingers turn blue
and start tingling too...
oh my god! now it's happened again!
"
"he likes to pretend he's a roman,
so he wishes us luck ""absit omen.""
we may also endure a
sincere ""kinahura,""
he being a bit of a showman.
"
"it's a greek word?this isn't ebonics?
the genus is called acinonyx.
those cheetahs are rare
in the wild, but i swear
that their speeds can approach supersonics.
"
"in a recent statistical study
of approaches to use if you're muddy,
the balneal path
(that is, taking a bath)
proved effective for use with the cruddy.
"
"there's a myth i would like to debunk:
that it's funny when people get drunk.
when they bibulate (tipple)
and drive, they can cripple?
not just teeter and slur and kerplunk!
"
"my kid brother's pleuritic, and often he
makes a tremulous vocal cacophony,
with a sound (and i quote)
""like an immature goat""
that the specialists call an aegophony.
"
"can you substitute curds for the wine?
artotyrites believed it was fine.
in the montanist (phrygian)
approach to religion,
the cheeses were truly divine.
"
"in an aircraft that's lighter than air,
there's a ballonet?maybe a pair.
these gasbags expand
and contract so you land
and take off from a place like o'hare.
"
"proper seafood should never have legs;
all these actinal kinds are the dregs.
little squiddies and starfish
can make me feel barfish.
i'll just have the bacon and eggs.
"
"drawing big-name performers to town
is a difficult thing to nail down.
but there's cause to rejoice,
since we now have a choice
of jim nabors or bozo the clown!
"
"when i woke up this morning, the blues
were collecting their membership dues.
lord, i'm feeling so sad,
'cause my mom and my dad
don't respect my conservative views.
"
"bahuvrihi: a compounded word,
such as lamebrain or hotdog, i've heard.
and as vlad of murmansk writ,
it comes from the sanskrit
much rice, which he thought was absurd.
"
"they ate of the apple eve held,
as the serpent of eden impelled.
so with leafage of figs
on their thingamajigs,
mortal adam and eve were expelled.
"
"here i sit in the brig in a cell
for my status: awl.
these mps can't conceive
that it means i'm on leave.
i believe they should learn how to spell.
"
"the bahut's medieval and french.
small enough to slide under a bench,
it's a chest that would hold
household objects of old,
like the thimbles and threads of a wench.
"
"they had painted the famed monticello
snowy white, but it's turning to yellow.
that bilging white paint
made a home that was quaint
look run-down, like a seedy bordello.
"
"in matters of style, she's contrarian?
she's dressed like a dowdy librarian!
a designer who knows her
insists she's a poser:
the ultimate attitudinarian.
"
"it's a foolhardy person who'll dare
to have lunch in the woods with a bear.
if you have such designs,
then bejeezus defines
what he'll probably, out of you, scare.
"
"the omani rial now comprises
a thousand diminutive baisas.
and the guy in the bar
said their malls are bizarre!
this place is just full of surprises.
"
"the bahamas are right off our coast?
from miami, an hour at most.
the proximity's handy,
the beaches are sandy,
but look at me?white as a ghost!
"
"watch the audience struggle to gauge
the jihadist comedian's rage.
is their dogged applause
in support of his cause,
or to keep him from bombing on stage?
"
"the gemologist's scathing report
said my diamond collection was bort.
they're industrial grade,
used to grind or abrade,
said the jewelry store jerk with a snort.
"
"the bithynians cherished their home:
the black sea, almost white from the foam!
and the bosporus strait,
like a prosperous gate!
nicomedes, though, willed them to rome.
"
"once i looked at the wealthy and yearned
for a life less banausic, but learned
that because i've no trust fund,
it's sad, but i must fund
my lifestyle with what i have earned.
"
"sure, the blacksmith has fashion and glamour,
but what count are his diction and grammar.
""on the bickiron, chain
will take shape,"" he'll explain.
""that's the horn of the anvil i hammer.""
"
"mrs. bloomer set out to advance
women's rights in her feminist pants.
although some disapproved,
they could see, when she moved,
an aggressive yet feminine stance.
"
"dry some animal fats and then titrate
the resulting ammonia and nitrate;
spread the stuff on your fields,
because ammonite yields
great results if applied at the right rate.
"
"an arcanist knows lore on ceramics,
whereas i know how sauces and spam mix.
i'll carve you a morsel an'
serve it on porcelain,
topped with a garlic-and-jam mix.
"
"since i'd really prefer to dispense
with surveyors and all that expense,
instead i've been honing
a skill known as boning
to line up the posts for my fence.
"
"for an araeosystyle design,
put your columns by pairs in a line.
it'll look like a slum
if your intercolum-
niation is messy, like mine.
"
"the ajivikas' predestination
had one principal new implication:
just forget prayers and vows and
have 84,000
rebirths, then you gain liberation.
"
"james agee himself would agree
(no abuser of adverbs was he!)
that if burns says agley
in a regional way,
we're permitted the usage agee.
"
"i've no body awareness, my dear,
due to acenesthesia, i fear.
so to verify such,
please continue to touch
in this area right over here.
"
"""this rock is extrusive, and came
from the andes, as shown by its name:
it is called andesitic.""
so said the rock critic,
of rolling stone magazine fame.
"
"i'm armipotent! view me in terror!
i am mighty in battle, the bearer
of weapons whose power
makes lesser men cower!
(or...a dumb typographical error.)
"
"the da vinci code author, dan brown,
said, ""i've searched every inch of this town.
who is sylvius? where
is his aqueduct lair?
why's the vatican playing this down?""
"
"the detective was looking about
to determine the source of the shout.
strewn about on the floor...
were a hundred or more...
individual servings of kraut!
"
"though i'm seen as a bit supercilious,
i'm not prideful, but more atrabilious:
melancholic and sad;
gloomy, morbid; a tad
in the dumps. (yes, i'm also punctilious.)
"
"the casket was small and a vision
of beauty, but drew some derision
since dad had been trimmed,
whittled down, and de-limbed.
he was shrunk to a trunk by abscission.
"
"apodiabolosis seems so severe?
he's demoted to devil this year!
let's be totally frank:
such reduction in rank
can affect an attorney's career.
"
"since their savior had cleansed from within
any taint of original sin,
ancient adamites' loathing
for sin (and for clothing)
was shamelessly shown with their skin.
"
"resurrectionists think it's a quirk
that i'd much rather bishop or burke.
good cadavers, i've found,
should be smothered or drowned;
disinterment is such dirty work.
"
"when the flames disappeared from the moor,
its appearance resembled velour,
and the stems of the heath,
being charred underneath,
were all birns (and quite sooty, i'm sure).
"
"filing down the occasional tooth
can restore the appearance of youth
to a horse, as you know.
it's called bishoping, though,
if you don't tell the buyer the truth.
"
"if in queens i say ""quoffee and bagel,""
but in cork speak in brogue to inveigle,
then i in effect'll
be bidialectal.
(that's my understanding of hegel.)
"
"one endeavors to be diplomatic;
an inebriate, though, when astatic
(unsteady; unable
to balance; unstable),
incites one's internal fanatic.
"
"in her hospital bed, marg'ret tracy
had a leg wound?it made her feel spacy?
where they found bacitracin,
whose peptides can hasten
infection improvement, in pr?cis.
"
"when the puritans split, they forsook
most nonbiblical gobbledygook.
in new england they wrote
the bay psalm book. we note
it's america's very first book.
"
"the cook in my army battalion
can feed 800 men on a scallion.
hey sailor! this scow
that we're on?tell us how
many miles does it get to the galleon?
"
"an aphorist states what is known
in a pithier, folksier tone.
he is given to joke
that the mightiest oak
from a balanoid object is grown.
"
"don't blame me for your fall. that's not fair.
when i used that expression for where
you could purchase some beer?
""half a mile above here""?
i meant northward, not up in the air.
"
"we constructed a handicapped ramp
at the home of the speedwalking champ.
""this project,"" he said,
""is a boondoggle, fred.""
i said, ""really? we made those at camp!""
"
"we're the number-one town in the nation
for low taxes and deregulation,
which we hope bring to pass
a content middle class
through the process bourgeoisification.
"
"your diet is lacking in soy,
and in lentils, fresh fruit, and bok choy.
there's something congestin'
your lower intestine;
your problem is alvine, my boy.
"
"charles dickens used pen names like boz
as insurance in case his faux pas
caused sufficient offense
that the ones he'd incense
should deliver a punch in the schnozz.
"
"the visage of some sort of saint
has appeared in a bucket of paint.
it's attracted battalions
of greedy rapscallions
with merchandise. tasteful it ain't.
"
"to make plywood with knotholes omitted,
the layer on top must be slitted;
the almond-shaped space
you cut out is the place
where a boat patch is carefully fitted.
"
"aceraceae, family of maples,
you're cherished from fresno to naples!
the sap of your trees
carries pancake disease,
and your syrups are grocery staples.
"
"a bai is a yellowish dust
moving east in a mist on a gust.
out of china it blows
to japan. i suppose
they're displeased there, but mostly adjust.
"
"giambattista (""the printer"") bodoni
remarked to a publisher crony,
""i make sure that a book
has a classical look.
all the words are just so much baloney.""
"
"ancient romans considered it quaint
to embellish their pavement with paint.
asarotum's the term
for such art, i affirm.
(an anatomy label it ain't.)
"
"the percussionist's really a bummer,
since she hates to vacation in summer.
you plead and beseech
to get marge to the beach;
she's a totally diffident drummer.
"
"to the underworld hayseeds and hicks,
the aornis is ""one of them cricks
what runs all together
down here where it's nether.
we're way the hell out in the styx.""
"
"shacking up with darlene without benefit
of clergy, i made auntie jenna fit
to be tied, and she said
that the lord wants us wed.
it's enough to give barbie and ken a fit.
"
"angelici belonged to a sect
that gave angels excessive respect.
is the earth their creation?
such glorification
is naughty, said rome, in effect.
"
"the pharaoh, to keep himself cool,
made bipyramid building the rule.
up-and-down he would build it;
when done, he half-filled it
with water?a pyramid pool!
"
"the apellitae tended to doubt it
(the ascension, or something about it):
their teachings involved
how christ's body dissolved
as he rose into heaven without it.
"
"basilidians truly abhorred
incarnation, a fact underscored
by the notion a weenie
who came from cyrene
had died in the place of the lord.
"
"albigensianism's mistake:
to say christ's incarnation was fake,
and that matter was bad.
what a dualist fad!
they might have been burned at the stake!
"
"a misnomer that gets my attention
is that birth control's not the prevention
of childbirth per se.
contraception's a way
to place weight on the proper dimension.
"
"the abbasids carried the day,
and from baghdad these caliphs held sway.
from abbas they descended,
and clearly intended
to rule in the family way.
"
"with my gift of these eggplants, let's mend
all our fences and try to transcend
what divides me from you
and endeavor anew
to let bhaigans be bhaigans, my friend.
"
"manufacturing jackets and slacks
raises dust from the cotton and flax
that'll play fast and loose
with your lungs, and produce
byssinosis and coughing attacks.
"
"so the deans are concerned that the frosh
are subsisting on butternut squash.
but who cares if the hordes
love those flavorful gourds;
they're nutritious, you fascists! my gosh!
"
"both the stars were in states of undress,
but the cameraman couldn't suppress
(with a barney) the sound
of the gears going round,
so they shot the whole scene mos.
"
"charlie mingus showed dignified grace
as he ran from home plate to first base.
he wrote ""hit!"" in the dust?
on the baseline, i trust,
since the letters were all uppercase.
"
"an aphasic italian, distressed
that his language impairment progressed,
thought asemia's curse
would be twenty times worse,
as his eloquent gestures expressed.
"
"coliseums had lower-tier sections
for fans with important connections.
from the aisle 'round the middle
(the balteus), piddle
showed trickle-down class disaffections.
"
"there's a fable that's told by the locals
of a grecian whose name was androcles
and the thorn he could tweeze
thanks to fine spectacles
with split lenses; we call them bifocals.
"
"in my shop, botryoidal balloons,
we inflate the things most afternoons.
when they're clustered, the shapes
are like bunches of grapes.
(in the morning, they look more like prunes.)
"
"blue light bandits may look like police,
but they want to keep more than the peace.
with a few simple props
they impersonate cops.
to protect and to serve? no, to fleece.
"
"i'm a man, not some park-dwelling pigeon;
correspondingly, in my religion
my god's like a man?
he's a patriots fan!
anthropopathy? maybe a smidgen.
"
"there are leeches attached to my wound
that have hungrily sucked and ballooned.
to continue the flow,
they will each undergo
a bdellatomy (being harpooned).
"
"my complexion's a little bit blotchy;
it's spotted and blemished and splotchy
from my ill-fated plan
of attempting to tan
leaning over a lighted hibachi.
"
"we lawyers take phrases and cloak 'em
in a layer of latinized hokum.
at this place is a phrase
we're avoiding these days.
ipso facto, we say ad hunc locum.
"
"fellow felons consider it odd
that i steal the aquarium's cod.
""it's my preference to burgle,""
i sputter and gurgle,
""not toil with a reel and a rod.""
"
"when an adjective stands all alone,
and its modified noun isn't shown,
that's its absolute use:
you can warn ""the obtuse""
to watch out for ""the accident-prone.""
"
"when siddhartha?his friends called him sid?
founded buddhism, dad flipped his lid.
first he grounded the lad,
then he strictly forbade
him to meditate. (buddha forbid!)
"
"to the buddhist, enlightenment's path
shows a certain immutable math:
whether eightfold or four,
this religion's got more
numbered points than the other ones hath.
"
"the chef-cum-outdoorsman's new niche:
weaving showshoes from lengths of babiche.
those are thongs he has cut
out of rawhide or gut.
with what's left, he makes sinewy quiche.
"
"sitting next to the bar on a stool,
bearded iris makes passers-by drool.
she entices me in
with those hairs on her chin;
she is barbate, and i am her fool.
"
"if you're bent on succeeding at beggary,
you've got to be greg and not gregory.
your cup should be tin;
your cologne should be gin;
and lose weight?you look too schwarzeneggery.
"
"said a know-nothing agnoite clod,
""how could christ be both human and god?
maybe one didn't know
of the other. if so,
that is ever-so-slightly less odd.""
"
"""my tastes run to tidbits like truffles;
my cuffs feature satiny ruffles.
i'm dandified, foppish,
and over-the-toppish.
in short, i am beauish,"" he snuffles.
"
"the agonyclites stood when they prayed,
leaving others disturbed and dismayed.
the authorities felt
that they ought to have knelt,
and i think that they should have obeyed.
"
"as opinions on matters of gender
have become so exceedingly tender,
it appears antifem-
inism may stem
from a wish to refute the offender.
"
"titus flavius drusus o'toole
thought a fifth name would really be cool,
but he had an agnomen
(the fourth), and no roman
had more, as a general rule.
"
"a rhetorically savvy old whig,
in a speech at a charity gig,
will use aenos to flatter
with high-sounding patter
and words that are...fancy, and...big.
"
"though i really don't want to intrude,
your bdelygmia (hatred of food)
is a shame, i must say,
for you're wasting away
from the meals you've completely eschewed.
"
"administratorship's duties are many;
all you leaders-to-be, nota bene:
it's a management shmuck
who sees only the buck...
not the nickel, the dime, and the penny.
"
"there's no question, the scottish term birkie
means a man who is lively and perky,
assertive and smart,
with a mettlesome heart
(but it's etymologically murky).
"
"george declared he would be a uniter,
but continues to act like a fighter.
bipartisan pacts
are unnatural acts
when they're wrong on the left, and you're righter.
"
"eating okra's a matter of pride?
in a gumbo or breaded and fried.
it's also called bhindi
(derived from the hindi)
down south on the opposite side.
"
"for baking a parker house roll
(or the partial combustion of coal),
beehive ovens in homes
(or in foundries) are domes
that, for diet (and coke), i extol.
"
"the cloth was aligned on the bias
in the robe made for brother matthias.
this diagonal cut,
by concealing his gut,
made him look rather slender and pious.
"
"a whelk is a gastropod mollusk
of the buccinum genus, by gollusk,
and its mouth has been put
at the end of its foot;
i, for one, think that's too much to swallusk.
"
"when they bose, archaeologists pound
a particular section of ground
so the thudding can show
where the trenches should go
by the small variations in sound.
"
"soon a 40-inch buccinal horn
will my volkswagen's fender adorn.
though i won't travel fast,
with a trumpetlike blast
i'll incur my community's scorn.
"
"if you know your new testament facts,
you're aware of the book that's called acts.
while some scriptural fossils
add ""...of the apostles,""
a short name fits better in tracts.
"
"tapioca makes wonderful custard?
tiny pearls appear creamily clustered
like grapes that, in bunches,
may garnish our lunches;
those botryose shapes cut the mustard!
"
"blessed sacrament's used to define
both the eucharist bread and the wine,
but it's really the host
it refers to the most.
why that is i can't hope to divine.
"
"she's engaged to that bald-headed bloke.
while he's telling his mates she's bespoke,
and they cheer and applaud it,
she's planning an audit;
she'll not buy a pig in a poke.
"
"in a room at the end of the hall,
bluebeard's wife (number seven) found all
of the previous six
highly moribund chicks.
she herself had a very close call.
"
"to the scotsman, it means ""a wee bit,""
a small (but indefinite) whit.
that's what bittock means?smut
with one letter changed, but
it's, at bottom, completely legit.
"
"to the southern cuisine devotee,
it's the legume of choice: black-eyed pea.
they're related to beans,
served with some sort of greens,
maybe cornbread, and sweetened iced tea.
"
"for the most part, the chit-chat was proper;
then a wise-guy delivered a whopper:
that the late ogden nash
had been ""trailer park trash.""
it was truly a barbecue stopper.
"
"for a mormon, bahai, or confucian
there's no point to profane elocution.
you can sound just as frank
saying blankety-blank;
it's their circumlocution solution.
"
"i consider the scholarship shoddy
claiming yoga's a thing of the body.
antarangas, you'll find,
are concerned with the mind:
they are dharana, dhyana, samadhi.
"
"what brings pain we will tend to avoid;
what feels good we approach, overjoyed.
the transition's complex
between fear, then, and sex?
""no, it's f?nf,"" says the good dr. freud.
"
"after years of abuses and slights
at the hands of canadian whites,
native peoples stood fast:
legislation was passed
to ensure aboriginal rights.
"
"queen bertha dressed nicely for court,
but her collars were prone to distort
any view of her cleavage?
some tatting or weavage
provided her moral support.
"
"since the puritans were puritanical,
in this matter their laws were tyrannical:
he profaneth the sabbath
who alcohol grabbeth,
so blue laws apply like a manacle.
"
"see that butterfly there? that's ramon.
get a whiff of his special ""cologne.""
androconium scales
scent the wings of the males,
and the chicks will not leave them alone.
"
"the buffet in this peristyle's fair,
but dessert's in the one over there.
with the width of my assage
too great for the passage
(or andron), i won't get my share!
"
"i can drive myself totally mental
melting chocolate with heat that's not gentle.
to that end, as you see,
i've a new bain-marie.
they're quite costly, so this one's a rental.
"
"massachusetts, the birthplace of pork,
is a place to explore with a fork.
a man could get lost in
the butt back in boston?
it's leaner than what's in new york.
"
"alexipharmac: a poison preventive.
for a paranoid person, attentive
to poisoning plots
and connecting the dots,
there is certainly ample incentive.
"
"what the romans more tersely call pyx
the greek orthodox (up to their tricks!)
""artophorion"" label;
they stretch, if they're able,
to syllable four, five, or six.
"
"when nebraskans, those loveable lugs,
put a nickname on tee-shirts and mugs,
they use bug-eater (word
for a goat-sucker bird).
my opinion? they must be on drugs.
"
"clearing saplings and brush from your land,
agricultural folks understand,
is to bushhog your field,
but its roots are concealed
by a famous machinery brand.
"
"my philosophy's strictly can-do;
it's my get-it-accomplished world-view.
is this attitude earned?
no, it's passively learned
from my positivistic milieu.
"
"an apocryphal story is told
of the bible compilers of old.
they'd reject any book
that had gobble-de-gook;
what remained was canonical gold.
"
"some say nationalism is cool,
but i'll not be a jingoist fool.
my greater attachment
belongs to my catchment?
go area seven! you rule!
"
"colonel blimp, from a thirties cartoon,
was an ultraconservative goon.
to be blimpish, indeed,
means to hold such a creed
(or resemble a bulging balloon).
"
"if you love ostentation, you know
eating caviar's mostly for show.
serving fish eggs, i guess,
suits my fancy address:
number one-seventeen sturgeon row.
"
"the police made a note in the blotter:
they've arrested a slippery otter.
the report also says
he was wearing a fez;
they suspect he's a terrorist plotter.
"
"my party's convening a caucus:
we'll meet, and the leaders will talk us
to tears. such a forum
may call for decorum,
but mostly they're nasty and raucous.
"
"if it wouldn't be terribly tacky,
could we ask for a ride in your bakkie?
we could cruise to the veldt,
looking ruddy and svelte,
in a truck from the farm, wearing khaki!
"
"bleeding deacons are spoiling a.a.!
inventory yourself, pal, okay?
your presumptuous bleatings
monopolize meetings
and stink up the twelve step buffet.
"
"o bobble-head doll, you're so annuent!
we got take-out chinese; in the van you went.
as i stepped on the clutch,
you were nodding so much
that you fell. in the moo goo gai pan you went.
"
"one of cowboy cuisine's greatest tips:
cook with bodewash, not charcoal, on trips.
if you want to sound posh,
you can say ""bois de vache,""
but it's really just buffalo chips.
"
"as an archer, i hold the bow tight
in my left hand, but later i might
(for a change of pace) twiddle
around with my fiddle;
in that case, the bow hand's my right.
"
"such pretension is utter self-flattery,
an indulgence in flaky mad-hattery:
is this room full of brats
having naptime on mats
an ""academy""? no, it's a brattery!
"
"between meals, there's a tedious span
that i shorten, according to plan,
with a bever (or snack)
of gazpacho or yak
or some cheese that i spray from a can.
"
"your hull may lose some of its polish
if you scrape past an iceberg that's smallish,
but a growler might flip
your unfortunate ship.
and a bergy bit? more like demolish.
"
"my accountant, who's very astute,
thinks my gambian coins are a hoot.
on the smallest, the back
shows three peanuts, a snack
costing more than the shiny butut.
"
"if they're ethnic and different, he'll hate 'em,
insult 'em, demean 'em, berate 'em.
there's a wide-open spigot
of bile from this bigot.
(if no one were watching, he'd date 'em.)
"
"with billingsgate, cheney let loose
(in no uncertain terms) his abuse.
he felt better, he stressed,
having tried to suggest
how the senator might reproduce.
"
"notwithstanding my loud histrionics,
i can no longer feel my acronyx.
that's a toenail, ingrown,
so my sine qua non
is a number of strong gin and tonics.
"
"a beetle's a big wooden hammer
that's used as a bonker or rammer.
most cons that you meet'll
concur that a beetle
is just what you need in the slammer.
"
"if calvities can't be forestalled
(as my hair loss is technically called),
i will bridge the divide
combing up from the side.
not a soul will suspect that i'm bald.
"
"the suspension beneath this new pram
is equipped with a shaft and a cam
that cause back-and-forth motion
like waves on the ocean,
which babies might like?if they swam!
"
"once my tresses were vividly red;
now the pigment has totally fled.
""hey, it's rusty!"" they'd call
as i'd strut down the hall.
since canities? ""oh. it's just fred.""
"
"the professional canitist knows
dying hair is a job for the pros.
if the color is off,
other women will scoff,
which is good to avoid, i suppose.
"
"since the chair bottoms' weaving is straining
under oversized butts, they're complaining,
but my chairs need to know
proper discipline, so
they will all undergo a good caning.
"
"cigarette and a blindfold? i've got a
suspicion that meester zapata
has covered my eyes
for a birthday surprise!
where's the stick, and which way's the pi?ata?
"
"speaking greek is no walk in the park;
with an asper, the contrast is stark:
to turn ellen of troy
into helen, my boy,
use a backwards apostrophe mark.
"
"kangaroos as a rule are quite mild;
when they congregate, though, they get riled.
their behavior is bad
when they're so hopping mad:
they form barneys (or mobs) and go wild.
"
"when the methyl salicylate came
with betula oil marked as its name,
we detected the scent
oil of wintergreen lent.
it appears they are one and the same.
"
"when the ""dandy-line"" whitens to fluff,
you can pick it, but don't be too rough.
though it looks like a snowball,
don't throw it. the blowball
explodes when you give it a puff.
"
"both the french and the swiss know a breeze
from the north or northeast called the bise.
it's chilly and dry,
but they value it. why?
it gets rid of the odor of cheese.
"
"my birthday's bissextile; i laugh
when i order a pint or carafe.
when they ask for id,
i will giggle with glee
and inform them i'm five-and-a-half.
"
"hail caesar! you've rather perplexed us
with your name for the ""leap day"": bissextus.
some are asking, unnerved,
how the day is observed;
they suspect a perversus subtextus.
"
"i have deep and abiding devotion
for what lives on the floor of the ocean.
there's nothing profounder
than coral and flounder:
the benthos is god's greatest notion.
"
"she's enthroned on a fancy berg?re;
that's a fine 18th-century chair.
its enclosure's complete
from the arms to the seat
so we can't see her large derri?re.
"
"on a test called the bender-gestalt,
a defendant who's charged with assault
made the circles all bunched
and the figures all scrunched.
the psychologist muttered, ""gevalt!""
"
"a one-hundred-and-five-degree fever
and chills made me tremble (or bever),
but regardless, i swam
and constructed a dam
out of trees. i'm an overachiever.
"
"the view of creation in bib-
licism (to be rather glib)
might go far to explain
why the masculine brain
favors women and also prime rib.
"
"bibliolatry? worship the book?
that's a little like eating the cook!
what the book might convey
shows you how you might pray:
it's the content to which you should look.
"
"aesymnetic regimes, in effect,
feature monarchs the people elect.
when you limit the royalty,
they earn subjects' loyalty
or look for new jobs, i expect.
"
"do i shuffle and frown? au contraire!
i'm as footloose as freddy astaire.
i could aerobate, and
(if you don't understand)
i'm referring to walking on air.
"
"baraka's a personal force
or a power, divine in its source,
that in mali, somalia,
and chad, inter alia,
most mullahs decline to endorse.
"
"i'm designing a new coat of arms
for a guy who grows mildew on farms:
over gules disinfectant,
two fungi aspectant
(or facing), emblazoned it harms.
"
"when their fans and the press are bombarding
celebrities, bodyguards guarding
them don't give a hoot
if their clients look cute
or like president warren g. harding.
"
"adolescence, i think, was my prime?
hanging out with my partners in crime.
big vincenzo and horst'll
remember that borstal
(reform school) in which we did time.
"
"my parietal lobe on the right
has a lesion (sustained in a fight).
now whatever i heft
with the hand on the left?
i can't tell if it's heavy or light.
"
"notching posts to bear structural beams
is more difficult work than it seems.
to use studs that are light
and extend them full height
are balloon framing's principal themes.
"
"i speak properly; so did my fah-ther.
i'll use slang if i must, but i'd rah-ther
my language reflect
my profound self-respect.
when i do interject, i say, ""bother!""
"
"those who kowtow or bend are called bowers;
so are arbors (good harbors from showers);
and prow-mounted anchors
on ships such as tankers;
and bedrooms for damsels in towers.
"
"i'm a plural repairman. i fix
all your ""data,"" ""tableaux,"" ""rivers styx.""
look it up in the matrixes:
see? ""aviatrixes.""
page thirty-nine: flying chicks.
"
"universities here since the flood
tend to educate those with blue blood.
more prestige (says the rubric)
resides in the blue brick
than red brick (or ""wattle-and-mud"").
"
"the libido, says freud, is the source
of attachment's emotional force.
one can see such cathexis
in practice in texas:
the cowpuncher's love for his horse.
"
"saying mass in the heat, father flynn
wears a breathable alb on his skin.
other priests in miami
are sweaty and clammy,
while he's rather comfy therein.
"
"my new therapist must be from oz:
i'm describing my case of the blahs?
i'm lethargic and glum,
my emotions are numb?
and she stares at my sizeable schnozz!
"
"if you've not given birth, you're nulliparous.
having offspring in pairs makes you biparous.
a multiparous wife
leads a difficult life
if her man's insufficiently zipperous.
"
"when rhetorical tricks are discussed,
the device called bdelygmia must
be the worst of them all:
it can make your flesh crawl
and cause nausea, hives, and disgust.
"
"since his cassock is not bissonata,
father flynn is persona non grata.
his bishop is wroth,
for this man of the cloth
wears chiffon, and not wool, as he oughta.
"
"father flynn is both dapper and chipper
now his cassock's equipped with a zipper.
all those buttons were slow
(his arthritis, you know);
now he's ready to go, and looks hipper.
"
"an insurer has adverse selection
when subscribers comprise a collection
of overweight smokers
and nail-biting cokers
instead of a normal cross-section.
"
"i hear fishwives, by nature, will carp:
they complain and they nag and they harp;
and their husbands (the fish),
though long-suffering, wish
that the tongues of their wives were less sharp.
"
"we're up late drinking pepsi and tea,
writing limericks for a, b, and c.
our poetic careers
may go 13 more years,
at which point we may get up to p.
"
"every decade, the census invasion
means i'm asked for my racial persuasion.
i keep telling the man
that i'm beige-pinkish-tan,
but he wants me to say i'm caucasian.
"
"don't employ an elaborate plan
when you're cruising for chicks in your van.
just approach any floozy;
avoid being choosy.
the process is catch-as-catch-can.
"
"in the senate, they sit on their rumps;
and the house? a collection of schlumps!
in two chambers they yammer all
day. they're bicameral.
(no, son. they don't have two humps.)
"
"when musicians from near and afar
hear my nose, they declare me a star.
all my honking and sniffs
are congestion-based riffs?
virtuoso acoustic catarrh!
"
"when you called me a blinkard, dear sir,
i had thought that you meant to refer
to the blinders a horse
wears while racing, of course?
not ""a slow-witted person,"" you cur.
"
"put the badderlocks seaweed of europe
in a blender with water, and whir up.
it's a liquid hors d'oeuvre;
pour in glasses and serve
on the rocks (or perhaps you'll prefer ""up"").
"
"as the torturing turk understood,
just by changing from bad guy to good
in a babyface turn,
he'd increase what he'd earn,
but his mom didn't think that he should.
"
"from the place of my birth, you could throw
a stone to st mary-le-bow.
i'm a cockney who dwells
within reach of her bells,
but cor blimey, guv, 'ow did yer know?
"
"there are breezes in sydney, taiwan,
massachusetts, khartoum, and milan,
but the swiss will insist
lake geneva is kissed
by a breeze with a name: a bornan.
"
"biophilia's one appellation
for the instinct for self-preservation.
mostly, -philias mean
that one's tastes are obscene,
so this term is a true aberration.
"
"queen arete earned great admiration
as top-ranking female phaeacian.
so much virtue was seen
in this mythical queen
she became its personification.
"
"an absorbable gelatin suture
has a place in my medical future,
to stitch up my lip
when i clumsily slip
on some jelly and land on my smoocher.
"
"the kiltmaker's output's terrific:
he's fruitful, productive, prolific.
the scots, being earthy,
prefer the term birthy.
not me, though. it sounds too specific.
"
"when there's only one sea, it's a tease;
i'd like two for my holiday, please.
i prefer to cavort
in that type of resort:
bismarine, meaning ""washed by two seas.""
"
"common sense should convince you of this:
that a frenchman invented the kiss,
and an indian, ink.
apodixis, i think,
shows that cheese-holes must come from the swiss.
"
"at the back of the chapel, the beadle
could be heard as he started to wheedle
a blushing young beauty
for ushering duty
with talk of ""the eye of a needle.""
"
"we're discussing it matter-of-factally:
acrocephalopolysyndactyly
shapes fingers and toes
and the skull as it grows
in a way understood inexactally.
"
"on the jug was a face (with a beard)
of a cleric the papists revered.
bellarmine it was called,
and with liquor installed,
you'd decant while the protestants cheered.
"
"if a reindeer and caribou mated,
the term for the offspring created
would be carideer, though
all our poll results show
the term reinbou is much higher-rated.
"
"for the reader who's utterly smitten,
there's a list of the books that i've written
(it's the card plate, page 10)?
from a passion for men
to the tale of the curious kitten.
"
"though a sailor may make a boation,
it has nothing to do with flotation,
a sail, or an oar;
it's a bellow or roar?
just a manner of vocalization.
"
"the pinkie's improbable name?
the auricular?seemingly came
from its noted acumen
dislodging cerumen,
a dubious sort of acclaim.
"
"we're bewigged when we argue in court,
and the laity often make sport:
""that a bob wig up there
or your natural hair?""
""it's a robert wig, sir,"" i retort.
"
"this biography's title's a tease.
and the art on the dust jacket? please!
maybe butchers of prague refers
more to biographers
rather than biographees.
"
"as instruction, thought old father flynn,
catechesis is worse than a sin:
its q&a format
enlightens the doormat,
releasing the puppet within.
"
"when you flatter your customer well,
such cajolement can help you to sell.
an example to try:
""that's a beautiful tie!""
to avoid: ""what's that terrible smell?""
"
"tathata is the ""thusness"" of things
that a buddhist enlightenment brings.
some add bhuta- thereto,
but it still means the view
one achieves when one no longer clings.
"
"in the suburbs and here in the 'hood,
there's some evil and also some good.
though i still watch my back,
it's an agathokak-
ological world (knock on wood).
"
"old angus macdougal is thin,
but he's sporting a new double-chin.
a surgeon, it seems,
built the chin of his dreams
with a blype. (it's a wee piece of skin.)
"
"at the bethel (or seafarers' chapel),
the pastor's attempting to grapple
with congregants' cursing
by chapter-and-versing.
will scripture win out? no, the crap'll.
"
"the conductor jumped up and yelled ""ach!
vee are not playing bluegrass or rock!
it's a brandenburg-bleeding-
concerto i'm leading,
by johann sebastian bach!""
"
"a tradition parishioners cherish
is the beadroll, whose reading gives prayerish
attention to those
with diseases and woes
that concern those who people the parish.
"
"has the book-binder's art form been lost?
years ago, many books were embossed,
but the change was strategic,
since bibliopegic
frugality lowers their cost.
"
"your complexion is awful (or blowzy).
you're filthy and smelly (or frowzy).
you know very well
that this cheap muscatel
is the reason you're acting so drowsy.
"
"my novel's entitled antoine;
it's a typical bildungsroman
all about a young duck
who encounters bad luck
and matures, thus becoming a swan.
"
"there once was a cowboy from casper,
a crusty, well-spoken old jasper,
whose skin, he averred
(with a fifty-cent word
meaning ""rough""), was excessively asper.
"
"fixing sailboats is such a cash cow
that i'm rolling in profits right now.
all the keels and the rudders
are virtual udders
that hang from each schooner and dhow.
"
"casus belli means ""reason for war.""
we have justification galore:
they have weapons (or will)
that can injure or kill!
let's attack them and even the score.
"
"it's amazing to me that a cow
would be placid enough to allow
cattle egrets to snack
as they perch on her back.
what a vision of harmony. wow.
"
"now, the navy must think that it's cute
to say ""bosom bar"" when they recruit.
it's a piece that joins strips
of the metal in ships,
not what eager prospectives impute.
"
"being monks, as it were, without vows,
certain beghards began to espouse
a distinct predilection
for talk of perfection
that rome, by and large, disallows.
"
"every bivalve possesses a hinge
called a cardo, but arthropods cringe
at that usage, because
it's a joint on their maws,
and they hate it when mollusks infringe.
"
"if a creature's asplanchnic, it's gutless.
it's intestineless, too. also buttless.
a digestionless species
produces no feces.
(this topic is, sadly, not smutless.)
"
"if a scotsman's a carlie, he's small;
na' a lad you'd call lanky or tall.
he's decidedly wee?
five-foot-two, five-foot-three.
nae, his height's na' impressive at all.
"
"in brazil, when the portuguese came,
they encountered a snake with the name
of boyuna. anon,
when they came to ceylon,
they called ceylonese serpents the same.
"
"i'm-a help-a my third cousin sonia
at her shop in-a central bologna.
i watch as luigi
wipes off with a squeegee
the windows i sprayed with ammonia.
"
"sexuality, abelites said,
had no place in the marital bed.
but today, one suspects
that abstaining from sects
is a path that is much more widespread.
"
"my opponent has heatedly stressed
my proposals are useless at best,
and upon me he's gloomily
heaping contumely
(apodioxis, i've guessed).
"
"abenteric's a term that, with tact,
says disease or infection, in fact,
can be found where, of course,
it's away from its source
in the gastrointestinal tract.
"
"it's no wonder cartoonists embrace
such a caricaturable face:
that proboscis cries out
to be drawn as a snout?
an appropriate thing in this case.
"
"obsolete though it be, it's among
the most flavorful verbs in our tongue.
saying bing for ""to be""
is like music to me,
as i conjugate: bing, bang, and bung.
"
"carpocratians, as gnostics, contended
the law was completely transcended,
and so the displays
of their libertine ways
were not only okay; they were splendid.
"
"rabbie burns, the illustrious scot,
feared acquaintance could soon be forgot,
and by having a drink,
we'd remember. i think
if it's alcohol, though, we will not.
"
"the aphthartodocetae (a sect)
thought the council had been incorrect:
""true god and true man""
was a terrible plan?
the two natures do more than connect!
"
"passion sunday (the fifth one in lent)
is the time for a special event:
we eat carlings?parched peas!
then we're back on our knees
straightaway the next day to repent.
"
"the cardiidae seaside hotel
serves a small but elite clientele.
there a bivalved young cockle
who visits the dock'll
get sun on his pasty white shell.
"
"boston crab is our special tonight.
chef malenko, who loves a good fight,
throws you down on your gut,
takes a seat on your butt,
and pulls up on your legs 'til they're tight.
"
"they apply heated wax that looks filmy,
rip it off, make me shriek, and then bill me.
they'll cause my biolysis?
wax, electrolysis,
tweezing and shaving will kill me!
"
"dirty speech is a slippery slope;
borborygmites, who use it, may hope
if they swear or they curse,
the results are no worse
than a mouthful of punitive soap.
"
"when a patient's in love with her shrink,
it's transference, most analysts think.
it's a common occurrence,
while countertransference
is not, they will say (with a wink).
"
"in the past, we used drugs for infections,
but today, we attack imperfections.
cosmeceuticals treat
what affects the elite
in their hairlines and lips and complexions.
"
"it's an asian arboreal civet;
binturong's the name that we give it.
its tail is prehensile
for holding a pencil,
fondue fork, or glass of glenlivet.
"
"since i'm costive, i sit broken-hearted;
seems my luck in the loo has departed.
i'm aware that a movement
would lead to improvement,
but, sadly, i can't get one started.
"
"if it's costive, a food or a drug
makes a gastrointestinal plug.
consternation can grow
when the movement below
has the pace of a comatose slug.
"
"since i'm costate (it means i have ribs),
there's some structure supporting my bibs.
were i ribless, their lack
would mean bibs that hang slack.
if i see any more, i'll call dibs.
"
"ancient coinage, at least in the west,
tended not to have snakes on a crest.
back in pergamum, though,
their cistophori show
more than one, and a mystical chest.
"
"if you're counterdependent, your shell
is disguising a bottomless well.
you're standoffish, remote,
disinclined to emote;
underneath, though, you're needy as hell.
"
"though i'm fearful of clowns and of heights,
i refuse to be ruled by my frights.
counterphobic, i choose
to wear floppy red shoes
and perform on trapezes in tights.
"
"adls are the things i can do
for myself without leaning on you.
my activities of
daily living, my love:
i can shuffle and mumble and chew.
"
"i have teeth, like the typical mammal
(a marmoset, say, or a camel).
amelification
denotes the formation
upon them of dental enamel.
"
"i believe i can say without risk
or gratuitous reference to bisque
or to camembert cheese,
that, to master lps,
what you need is an acetate disc.
"
"as marsupial genus names go,
i'd say chaeropus ranks rather low.
there's more obvious shame
in the popular name
of the pig-footed bandicoot, though.
"
"a zoology student, canute,
thinks that snails are especially cute.
he incessantly kvells,
""see their spiral-shaped shells?
i just love how they circumvolute.""
"
"my chrysiasis draws no compassion
when my friends see my skin has turned ashen.
""those injections of gold
are the culprit,"" they scold.
""serves you right for your slavery to fashion.""
"
"many times in my formative years,
""you're a brahman!"" would ring in my ears.
now this boston-bred snob
has the ultimate job:
i'm an expert on women's brassieres.
"
"peter pan, many actresses say,
is the role they were destined to play.
in a breeches part, dressed
as a man, they feel blessed,
though they're neither transvestites nor gay.
"
"at the gender diversity ball,
when the cateress entered the hall,
she was highly irate:
""this buffet line's too straight!""
there ensued a conventional brawl.
"
"roman planners laid out the main street
to help vendors and customers meet,
and they named that great cardo
for gaius lombardo.
(in latin, it sounds more upbeat.)
"
"""the creator""? archontics would laugh?
the creation was done by god's staff,
his creative opinions
enacted by minions
who worked on jehovah's behalf.
"
"down in brunswick, virginia, my crew
makes a toothsome, distinctive ragout.
several meats, some tomaters,
plus corn and potaters
comprise this eponymous stew.
"
"if carnation (""the color of flesh"")
is a pink, i'm afraid that won't mesh
with complexions one sees
in morocco, belize,
or taiwan, let alone bangladesh.
"
"at the bean feast, the boss was a hoot:
he came dressed in a rubberized suit
and regaled the whole staff,
making everyone laugh
with his ode to the musical fruit.
"
"wealth and pleasure are nothing but dross,
said the arnoldists, looking quite cross.
arnold preached that the clergy
were vicey and splurgy;
the vatican showed him who's boss.
"
"to a cembalo player, a clam
has the force of a battering ram.
when a string is misplucked,
he'll explode (self-destruct!)
and may whisper (inaudibly), ""damn.""
"
"all my cattle got bobtailed disease,
and i feared that their bottoms would freeze,
so i dressed them in shorts,
fed them biscuits and tortes,
and selenium-free cottage cheese.
"
"as a speaker, i sometimes attempt
a technique that my mom never dreamt
that her dear baby boy
would be heard to employ....
(please forgive me. i'm getting verklempt.)
"
"an adumbrative sort of prediction
isn't, technically speaking, a fiction.
it's a version of truth
for the palmistry booth,
and a vague, nonspecific depiction.
"
"if you do it with nary a spore,
reproduction's a terrible bore.
asporogenous yeasts
may be sexual beasts,
but the action is strictly soft-core.
"
"in unauthorized places of meeting
(or bethels), dissenters retreating
from anglican norms
would pursue their reforms;
church authorities felt that was cheating.
"
"catechetics was no longer fun;
father flynn gave the job to a nun.
he would teach, heretofore,
catechumens galore;
now the class is a total of one.
"
"the unusual way i pronounce
causes experts to bristle and pounce:
it's cacoepistic,
but still, they're sadistic
to call me an agnorant dounce.
"
"in the feminist drama, dear sirs,
the catastasis (climax) occurs
when a letter is sent
in which vickie gives vent
to some anti-testosterone slurs.
"
"as the hendrix of pipe organs, biff
wants each note to begin with a chiff,
since he finds that the lack
of a vivid attack
makes a lackluster, tedious riff.
"
"i see on your passport here, sir,
that you've listed your birthplace as ""ur.""
we're assuming, of course,
that's not german for ""source.""
of the chaldees is what we prefer.
"
"thought mr. mcgregor, ""i'll trick it
to hide in this bosket (or thicket).
that cotton-tailed thief
will encounter some grief,
since the blackberry brambles will stick it.""
"
"capitation's our deal for this year:
we get paid by the head, and i fear
if our patients are sickly,
our incomes drop quickly.
if not, though, we might profiteer.
"
"the fraternity boys in the quad
are immobile, untucked, and unshod,
and it's clear from their stink
they're besotted with drink?
like a scene from a bambocciade.
"
"catholic churches in spain or in france'll
have latticework blocking the chancel.
the cancelli (or screen)
will let clergy be seen
just as well as unbroken expanse'll.
"
"diplostemonous plants often laugh
that their petals, in number, are half
of the stamens they grow,
as geraniums show
on a large diplostemony graph.
"
"all the ham-lovers, angry and shaken,
are convinced that he must be mistaken:
actor kevin decrees
more than seven degrees
divide him and canadian bacon.
"
"the bidarka is sinking, no doubt;
from the seam of the sealskin, a spout
of cold water sprays in.
""just a squirt gun,"" i grin.
i am faking the inuit out.
"
"my child, you're now post-adolescent,
but your parasitism's incessant.
this host (half facetiously)
fears you'll autoeciously
live here until you're senescent.
"
"benedictines adhere to monastic
restrictions that some would call drastic.
in st. benedict's rule,
it's considered uncool
if your cincture is made of elastic.
"
"a constricted old gal named maria
subscribed to the costive idea
that to act or express
is impulsive excess
that's akin to severe diarrhea.
"
"every random event is imbued
with a meaning, i seem to conclude.
from the darnedest of things,
an apophany springs!
(i'm afraid i'm becoming unglued.)
"
"brachycephalization's a spread
in the width of the average head.
it was slightly too narrow
to fill a sombrero,
but now it would stretch one instead.
"
"your highness, there's no sense disguising
the peasants' intent. they're advising
that they hereby demand
you hand over their land;
they're revolting, and also apprising.
"
"i worry, i sweat, and i agonize
as i paint the details on these dragon eyes.
this medieval conceit'll
look good on my beetle;
if not, i will just re-volkswagenize.
"
"when the matador's girlfriend, miss sarah,
took her seat right behind the barrera
(that's the red-painted fence),
she became rather tense:
""what's that stuff in the ring?marinara?""
"
"i'm a mollusk with fine silky hair;
take a look at my byssus down there.
no, not there?on my foot!
it's how mussels stay put.
(that's my natural color, i swear.)
"
"i'm constructing a two-car garage
of a masonry known as blocage.
inexpensive and rough,
still, it's rigid enough
(with a backing of strong decoupage).
"
"in the barnyard, some birds are maligned
for the grouping to which they're consigned:
""caprimulgid connotes
you're a sucker of goats!""
(sometimes kids can be very unkind.)
"
"if a lovesick crustacean should gawk
at a female's provocative walk,
and his basiophthalmite
pops up, then the gal might
be shocked?there's an eye on that stalk!
"
"casuistic approaches to law
have a major unfortunate flaw:
as a system that bases
conclusions on cases,
it might be a house made of straw.
"
"sigmund freud said that healthiness starts
when catharsis unburdens our hearts?
getting stuff off your chest
that had once been repressed
(not purgation achieved through the arts).
"
"we say, ""shiver me timbers,"" me darlings,
since timbers below, called the carlings,
are loose, and they shiver,
so pirates deliver
appropriate curses and snarlings.
"
"""like a fish"" is the phrase to describe
how they drink in the carides tribe.
shrimp and prawns are enamored
of drinking 'til hammered?
the decapod way to imbibe.
"
"i slip off into natural sleep
by imagining little bo peep:
keeping count, she will fling
on a heap (or a bing)
all the poop left behind by her sheep.
"
"the bucephalus trematode worm's
parasitic, my textbook confirms.
it lives as a pest in
a fish's intestine,
surrounded, i'm guessing, by germs.
"
"just dye my hair dark. it is quite
unattractive when silvery-white.
you say it's the rage
to progress to that stage?
i will not go argental. good night!
"
"zarathustra could not represent a-
hura mazda directly; he lent a
more personified sense
to each attribute, hence
he would call it an amesha spenta.
"
"""by renouncing the church,"" said the pope,
""all those priests walked a slippery slope.
but they've voiced their regret;
let's forgive and forget.""
said the donatist rigorists, ""nope!""
"
"in the south, where it's hot as the blazes,
and the horse pulls up hard as it grazes,
bahia grass thrives
where no other survives.
hallelujah! i'm singing its praises.
"
"pharmaceutical salesmen like eric
tend to denigrate any generic:
""they're not poison, exactly....""
then matter-of-factly
he quips, ""add an alexiteric.""
"
"algazel (he preferred al-ghazali)
considered philosophy folly.
he gave just the gentlest
pro-fundamentalist
nudge to islamists, by golly.
"
"yes, the bump is acephalocystic,
but she shouldn't be going ballistic.
the headless refers
to the cyst's head, not hers.
although maybe that's too optimistic....
"
"in a crocus, it seems, it's the norm
for the stem to be bulbous in form.
as is perfectly normal,
a bulblet's a cormel.
(the stem, you might guess, is a corm.)
"
"the docetic conception of god
would deny the existence of bod.
the almighty, they'd say,
cannot bleed or decay;
incarnation is just a facade.
"
"i lie sleepless alone in my bunk;
using earphones, i listen to funk.
man, that funky-ass beat
makes my life more complete
as a cloistered dominican monk.
"
"rotting logs in the woods luminesce
due to fungi or something, i guess.
though this foxfire effect
seems misnamed, i suspect
that the fungi just couldn't care less.
"
"i've developed a fondness for mead ?
mainly braggot ? and freely concede
the addition of hops
is delicious and stops
my insatiable craving for weed.
"
"apotactics renounced having stuff,
thereby calling the hypocrites' bluff.
they avoided transgressions
by shedding possessions,
but felt that they still had enough.
"
"ancient elchasai brought forth a book
that an angel delivered. he took
bits and pieces he'd choose
from the christians and jews ?
even pagans, my gosh! ? like a schnook.
"
"for the encratites, marriage was banned,
eating meat was against a command,
and the drinking of wine
would be way out of line,
making life in this sect really bland.
"
"this humidity's sticky and clammy;
with the heat, it's a real double whammy.
i can't understand why
the damned dew point's so high
since i moved from nepal to miami.
"
"what committee was given the task
of designing a bottle or flask
for the juice of the grape
and came up with the shape
of the bocksbeutel, sir, may i ask?
"
"though amalric, an academician,
had recanted and made his contrition,
the authorities hauled
amalricians (so-called)
out of town and induced their ignition.
"
"this bottomry, signed at the dock,
is a contract that places in hock
my beloved old ship
to get funds for a trip.
(i'm importing some cheaply made shlock.)
"
"bodhidharma, a monk from the west,
came to china, the legends attest,
and to that population
brought zen meditation,
kung fu, drinking tea, and the rest.
"
"berengarians waxed vitriolic
that the body and blood are symbolic:
their essence remains
that of grapes and of grains
(normal blood being nonalcoholic).
"
"pure silver? no sir, marshall dillon;
this here coin is a alloy called billon.
they claim the wrong blend
means the coinage would bend.
i don't buy it. let's do us some killin'.
"
"when the gap between meals is too long,
or the last meal's digestion is wrong,
borborygmi abound?
the abdominal sound
of my gastrointestinal song.
"
"after five or six glasses of scotch,
i bend over, and rip! goes my crotch.
so i mend where it's split
using gum, but admit
a more accurate verb would be botch.
"
"at the government agent's behest,
we paid taxes on grandpa's bequest.
his enormous bequeathal
turned out to be lethal?
the heirs got three-quarters at best!
"
"my first glimpse of the soft metal frame
sealed my fate in the church window game.
though i don't attend mass,
i make brilliant stained glass.
first i saw, then i conquered the came.
"
"pollination of edible figs
using blossoming caprifig twigs
is called caprification.
its utilization
incenses censorious prigs.
"
"achromotrichia's ravages might
turn the hair of its sufferers white.
your donations ensure
that we will find a cure?
rid the world of this horrible blight!
"
"down in oz, the proverbial poke
in the eye with a stick is a joke.
but it better be burnt,
as i recently learnt?
mine was sharp, and i hurt the poor bloke.
"
"shadrach and meshach looked down
as abednego said with a frown,
""this fiery furnace
will probably turn us
from lightly complexioned to brown.""
"
"since ""the poor"" were both christians and jews,
they held somewhat unusual views:
they kept kosher and all,
but rejected st. paul,
an approach that put butts in the pews.
"
"rastafarians tend to distrust
and regard with disdain and disgust
evil babylon ? those
they abhor, i suppose,
as they're wicked, corrupt, and unjust.
"
"there once was a man from bonaire,
or at least not too distant from there?
just a 10-minute flight
(maybe 20, you're right)?
well this fellow, he had an affair.
"
"season three! i'm on episode seven!
house of cards! i'm in binge-watching heaven!
all god's children lose sleep
watching washington weep,
for of such is the kingdom of kevin.
"
"from the hindermost end of the mare
came an odorous issue of air.
""'tis a fowkin!"" said i.
(that's a fart, but i try
to use words more archaic and rare.)
"
"all my hard-working beer-making yeast,
having finished digesting their feast,
stuck together and sank
to the floor of the tank.
flocculation came last but not least.
"
"spiral galaxies come and they go,
but the grand design ones, what a show!
they have well-defined arms
with unparalleled charms,
while the flocculent ones are so-so.
"
"i stopped shaving, and just as i feared,
a profusion of whiskers appeared.
it looks so out of place
on my baby-like face,
such a wooly (or flocculent) beard!
"
"bragget sunday's my favorite event
in the course of the season of lent.
i imbibe, i confess,
spicy ale in excess,
though that isn't the church's intent.
"
"if you've bme after your name,
engineering may well be your game.
in mechanics or mining,
high tech or refining,
a master's would add to your fame!
"
"my cat anna's not like all the rest;
she's facing in life a sore test.
with just three feet, a feature
which stresses this creature,
i call her my ""ana-paw-pest.""
"
"in virginia, us, are the fine
blue ridge mountains, world-famed for a pine
celebrated in song,
but, i fear, not for long ?
warming climate may make it resign!
"
"you will find, i believe, if you check,
a large artery runs up your neck.
it feeds blood to your brains,
which then drains through your veins;
this to god, i suppose, was high tech!
"
"around is quite vague as i view it;
i've postponed it again, i just knew it
wouldn't get done today,
i'm so prone to delay ?
maybe sometime i'll get a round tuit!
"
"general douglas macarthur, in war,
was a leader, not equalled before,
who, in military strife,
dedicated his life
to ""the corps and the corps and the corps.""
"
"i'm rehearsing in amdrams tonight,
you should see me, a terrible sight,
and just lately i've found
my feet don't touch the ground,
choreography gets me up tight!
"
"an asthmatic old prof?quite a boffin?
breathed his last in a bad fit of coughin'.
though 'twas not the prof's cough
that carried him off,
but the coffin they carried him off in!
"
"my boss had said, ""go, and discern
your old company's progress, and learn
of the next season's stars
in their new thongs and bras ?
i'll debrief you upon your return.""
"
"the beautiful chocolate fountain
has the mystic allure of a mountain ?
with aid from a sherpa
you'll soon be a 'slurpa',
with calories mountin' ... get countin'!
"
"some attorneys refuse to wear shorts
when they argue in criminal courts.
it's against their beliefs,
so they're filing their briefs
in a boxer rebellion of sorts.
"
"you will notice a relative lack
of the thatching atop the old shack.
i'm a ballard: my hair
is now scanty up there,
though it's lush on my ears and my back.
"
"there's a monk with a star on his chest?
fastest bethlehemite in the west.
and he don't really care if
he ain't really sheriff;
that star is a sign that he's blessed.
"
"since the wainscotting's beadboard has ridges
(or beads) that can function as bridges,
you can scarcely detect
where the panels connect,
in a backdrop for ovens and fridges.
"
"i go boondocking?park the rv;
or make out in the sticks with marie;
or (what makes me the sorest)
go march through the forest
when sarge thinks we need more esprit.
"
"""you're bourgeois,"" says my daughter the joker,
""you're obsessed with the buck, mediocre,
middle-class, unrefined,
with a shopkeeper's mind!""
(i prefer the term real estate broker.)
"
"since we moved to a bedroom community,
i've seen signs of suburban disunity:
some commute at a crawl
and complain of the sprawl;
others value the growth opportunity.
"
"as a playwright, i'm prone to obsess
on the ending, with meager success,
since despite all my pains
the conclusion remains
a catastrophe nevertheless.
"
"street musicians who plan to embark
on a gig out in yellowstone park
would be prudent to busk
starting just after dusk,
since the wildlife comes out after dark.
"
"in oration, it's best if you start
with the less argumentative part.
your catastasis serves
as a balm on the nerves
of the crowd. then you go for the heart.
"
"for many years now i've been striving
to sort out a flaw in my driving:
it seems i'm myopic.
in dexiotropic
manoeuvers i'm hardly surviving.
"
"devitrification is when
glass loses its luster, and then
you just can't see through it;
whatever you do, it
will not be transparent again.
"
"6 a.m. gmt in uk:
all oedilfers off line, they're away.
no new contributions,
no limerick solutions!
can it be they've got nothing to say?
"
"in approaching oedilf's ""zz-"" time,
we'll come close to exhausting all rhyme
based on each english word
that the world ever heard ?
just a ""zzz"" and then silence sublime!
"
"a chapelet ? what a machine! ?
it dredges and keeps harbours clean.
buckets fixed to a chain
scoop up matter that's lain
on the seabed ? it's big and it's mean!
"
"since that morning you first did a bunk,
i've survived here, surrounded by junk,
and constrained by our past.
but i've done it at last:
i've disposed of your rubbish ? you're sunk!
"
"the colon bacillus resides,
like a lodger, in human insides.
it's restrained in the main,
but it causes much pain
if in gastric attack it abides.
"
"it's a cyberaddiction you've got
when you love your dear partner a lot,
but prefer spending time
writing comical rhyme
'til your internet link is red hot.
"
"i used to enjoy doctor who
and its humanoid  cybermen too.
they were fictional creatures
with cyborg-like features.
thank god there were only a few!
"
"cybersurfing? you'll need to afford
a computer, on which you may hoard
all the bits and the bytes
from the web's lovely sites
that a surfer explores on his board!
"
"early castle defenders were fond
of their walkway or chemin de ronde.
from there they repelled,
or if need be expelled,
their marauding opponents beyond.
"
"donkey boiler ? a boiler designed
with nautical duties in mind.
when a ship is in port,
its crew will resort
to its use while the ship's thus confined.
"
"the alarm breaks my dreams around five.
i crawl out of bed half alive.
death warmed up comes to mind,
but my wife, always kind,
makes black coffee ? i think i'll survive.
"
"take a tube made of cane or bamboo,
plus a poison tipped dart (one will do).
wrap your lips round one end
of the tube?blow. my friend,
you are using a blowpipe. it's true!
"
"the court of last resort's where you go
if in courts lower down they've said, ""no,
our judgement's not for you.""
but others implore you:
""keep fighting ? we're here for you, bro!""
"
"the diesel-electric-type trains
have brought to the railways great gains.
the steam age has passed
and, cleaner and fast,
the current generation remains.
"
"doctrinairism ? what does it mean?
it seems to see life through a screen
which filters its bits,
leaving only what fits
narrow theories ? there may be umpteen!
"
"a government sometimes may need
to accept or agree or concede
that a crown corporation
could profit the nation
in trading, by taking the lead.
"
"now listen, my friends, here's a test.
it's a name to pronounce, do your best.
this literary knight
gave some windmills a fright ?
don quixote ? it's spanish, you've guessed!
"
"a colleague of mine just resigned.
and why? he's severely maligned
in public. he stated
his boss denigrated
him, choosing remarks most unkind.
"
"at the ashram & grill in muskogee,
buy a large vegetarian hoagie
or a shrimp chimichanga,
and learn a new anga
for free from a certified yogi.
"
"they insist that i caught bilharziasis
(in other words, schistosomiasis)
from a parisite. i
disagree, and decry
their outrageously anti-french biases.
"
"for invective, my plan is to switch
to acronychous rather than bitch.
i'll explain (with a pause),
""having hooves, nails, or claws,""
while declining to specify which.
"
"when the indian monarch ashoka
became buddhist, he tried to evoke a
renewal of piety.
great notoriety
followed?like lee iacocca.
"
"fellow graduates, let me confess
that this brief apopemptic address
will say reach for the stars,
but a life behind bars
is more likely. good luck, and god bless!
"
"this buffet is the best on the coast,
says our gracious algophagous host:
algae crepes, algae stew,
algae flank vindaloo,
and look here?creamed chipped algae on toast!
"
"if you note that the girth of your calf
has decreased by, let's say, more than half,
the observant physician
will call this condition
acnemia, mitzi. don't laugh.
"
"the congenital absence of legs
is a tragic condition that begs
for respectful review:
with acnemia, you
shouldn't nickname the sufferer ""pegs.""
"
"at my house?i mean, crib?i relax
playing licks on my air guitar axe.
i'm one of those schmendricks
who imitate hendrix
(or coltrane, on air tenor sax).
"
"bruce's blockbuster bhagavad this
(which the critics were quick to dismiss)
features arjuna (willis)
in fight scenes that thrill us
yet show us his yearning for bliss.
"
"my friend is quite bald. he despairs
of his hair loss, and so he declares
on his head he will paint
lots of rabbits; how quaint!
from a distance they'll look just like hares.
"
"to read greek you must master the set
of its alphabet letters. don't fret,
you can learn them by heart,
so then let's make a start:
you'll first recognise alpha, i bet.
"
"coming back to this country, it's lax
to forget to own up and pay tax
on all dutiable stuff.
you'll be treated quite rough
if you don't and be fined to the max!
"
"as children we loved charlie drake.
his ""hello, my darlings"" could make
us giggle with pleasure;
we'd give up our leisure
to watch the tv for his sake.
"
"the slow fermentation of beers
produces a liquid which clears,
and then despumation
effects separation
of scum and impurities. cheers!
"
"from where has that aircraft just come?
or where in the loaf is one crumb?
parameters three
give the answer, you see:
they're cylindrical coordinates, chum.
"
"siht ekil egas sema gnit pyrced
ssim ottn awt'n odoh weso htsth giled
,tiod oteg nel lahca
.tihg uorh teeso tec nahca
!sirh cmor fega ssem siht reh piced
"
"when we joined one old sled to anudder,
it produced this response from our mudder,
""that great double-runner
will be a real stunner.""
""mom, you're right!"" agreed me and me brudder.
"
"so you've found fluoride ions in water?
remove them? some folks say we oughter.
but defluoridation
could be the causation
of dental decay in your daughter!
"
"if you're jaded and feel in the mood
to relax for a week with your brood,
a dude ranch might just serve
to replenish your nerve ?
horseback riding, new friends and good food!
"
"cybersurgery ? this is where hands
are replaced by computers' broad bands
of high-tech devices,
which cut up in slices
your body ? their knife in your glands!
"
"deep cyberspace holds a lot more
than a lifetime would let you explore,
for day after day,
as in star trek, you may
boldly go where you've not gone before!
"
"cyberphobia needs no apology.
it's a fear of computer technology.
""once bit-ten, twice shy!""
you will oft hear folks cry,
""it's as mystic to me as astrology!""
"
"cyberculture's become a huge scene;
you can see it on many a screen.
its scope is so vast
it will leave you aghast;
each field has its own cyberzine.
"
"is your churchmanship high, mid or low?
if you have a choice, where do you go?
chapel service my brothers
prefer, but some others
love bells, smells and candles aglow!
"
"cyberviruses can be a threat
to all who connect to the net.
good virus protection
can stop such infection;
it's something we all need to get!
"
"cybertronics ? the act of imparting
to robots the knowledge of starting
to mimic the human,
with perfect acumen ?
some real anxious glances we're darting.
"
"results day arrived, and we waited
with nerves all on edge and breath bated,
for we wanted to know
(and the class list would show)
the degree of success we'd been rated.
"
"in the world of finance there are pranksters,
and launderers, fraudsters and gangsters.
but i have a hunch
from the credit crunch bunch
you'd lynch merrill or madoff, the banksters!
"
"at the abbey of st. peter rabbit,
the monks hoard their cash; they just grab it
and store it away
for some dark rainy day;
they're acquiring a good 'abbey habit!'
"
"when our team lost the game 14?3,
it was obvious soon there would be
a brouhaha brewing.
we all started booing,
abusing the poor referee.
"
"ecclesiastes ? its view of humanity
puts it thus: ""all is vanity, vanity!""
it is deep and devout,
but some are in doubt,
saying, ""can this be true christianity?""
"
"though true blindness, for you or for me,
is a handicap real as can be,
there are those who are blind
not in eyes but in mind ?
""none so blind as the ones who won't see!""
"
"my girlfriend will sweat, which can tend,
on those really hot days, to offend.
a deodoriser might
help me feel less uptight:
her bo drives me right round the bend!
"
"if you're seeking to clearly define
on a map, with a graphical sign,
all the shared elevations
and height-change gradations,
employ a well-drawn contour line.
"
"i'm in doubt what this rhyme is ...
makes me pout, there's been so much left ...
it seems such a ...
i put all the ...
on ellipses, of that there's no ...
"
"i'm a stagehand; our play is macbeth.
it's a tense plot; you sure hold your breath.
since i vacuum each day
all the stage, guess you'd say
that i'm real used to dyson with death.
"
"meditation will help you unwind,
but in order to do it, you'll find,
you must shut out all sorts
of extraneous thoughts.
that is, you must empty your mind.
"
"ignoring their teacher, named russ,
the kids were all making a fuss.
they were off on a trip
but were giving him lip.
said russ with a cuss, ""just embus!""
"
"a steward with virgin atlantic
came on rather strong and romantic
to a woman he'd met
flying high in a jet.
there the style of their passion was frantic.
"
"demi-sec is a semi-dry wine,
for my friends who are coming to dine.
i hope they'll be thrilled
with two bottles, well chilled.
half a sec, here they are ? how divine!
"
"dutch auctions ? as run by the dutch ?
are where they sell flowers and such.
after starting out high,
prices drop. you must buy
before others, but don't pay too much!
"
"""oh, why am i here all alone
on oedilf?"" you might well hear me moan.
i really refuse
to believe my friends' muse
has run out, 'cause i've still got my own.
"
"a cycloscope helps you in learning
the relevant data concerning
an engine's gyration,
a wheel's true rotation,
or the rate that a drive shaft is turning.
"
"ask directions in ireland, i fear
they may sound rather strange to your ear.
someone's likely to say
in an eye-twinkling way,
""sure i wouldn't be starting from here!""
"
"i'm a lover of wine there's no doubt
and i also drink beer but not stout,
though i tend to abstain
from those drinks which cause pain,
it's a case of chacun ? son gout.
"
"for years now i've owned a small boat;
in summer i keep her afloat.
to avoid causing strain
on her long anchor chain,
a strong drawspring is fitted, you'll note.
"
"cytotaxonomy? well,
it's a way that one classes a cell
by its chromosomes, telling
us how they're indwelling,
and how each one's structure befell.
"
"a good  winter coat is the duffle;
it's cosy and hooded to muffle
you up in a storm ?
you'll stay toasty and warm.
should the duffle not muffle, its fluff'll.
"
"cybermania: that's when you're manic
concerning computers. you panic
if made to abstain from 'em
thinking you'll gain from 'em
powers approaching satanic!
"
"a girl was engaged to a major
who sent her a message by pager.
disengagement he needed
and for it he pleaded.
they'd been only engaged for a wager!
"
"denominationalists frequently can
explain to us god's holy plan.
his church is divided
but always he's guided
its progress for blessings of man.
"
"you sang, ""come all ye faithful,"" consumer?
that's no carol. you've just made a bloomer.
no no, my dear friend,
it means, ""come, let us spend.""
a recession? forget that foul rumour!
"
"said god, ""on your belly you'll crawl,""
to those treacherous snakes; of them all,
it might well have been
in his mind, at the scene,
that an elapid triggered the fall.
"
"my friend feels compelled, can't ignore it,
to steal things. i really deplore it.
the doc's diagnosis?
""a full blown neurosis ?
kleptomania ? take something for it!""
"
"i was just a young boy, aged thirteen,
in a darkened room watching on-screen
maps and pictures displayed
with a diascope's aid.
now computers replace this machine.
"
"""it is clear that the earth is quite flat,
not round,"" said my friend. ""we know that!""
my disaffirmation
of that revelation,
thank goodness, soon ended our chat.
"
"when noah called, ""time to embark,""
two by two we went into his ark.
once all in, how it rained!
we were all it sustained.
for the rest 'twas no walk in the park.
"
"an army chef, just for a lark,
at the raw young recruits used to bark,
""you chop and you dice
and you lop and you slice
just like wimps."" what a cutting remark.
"
"two opponents share sixty-four squares:
each has knights, bishops, castles, in pairs,
plus the king and the queen,
and the pawns in between ?
this is chess. will you win? say your prayers!
"
"the process of dollarisation
is a method pursued by a nation
that's adopted the view
that, if they use it too,
foreign currency lowers inflation.
"
"it seems clear that the editor's role
is constructive support, on the whole.
his comments, though biting,
should aid better writing,
a useful and laudable goal.
"
"crown green bowling's a game which is made
to be played on a lawn which is laid
in an uneven way.
thus a bowl may well stray.
to correct this great skill is displayed.
"
"english bowling can be so obsessive ?
wooden balls stroking grass ? how caressive!
take aim, bend your back,
roll your wood at the jack,
in a nice gentle arc, not aggressive.
"
"it's probably quite fair to say
that dot printers have now had their day.
with great noise, they made lots
of small, grey, fuzzy dots;
now the laser's a fast, quiet way.
"
"two countries wage war in defiance
of another, but lack an alliance.
this approach to their foe
is informal ? a co-
belligerent mutual reliance.
"
"italians desire to protect
their language from loss by neglect.
if you want to know why,
i suggest you apply
to accademia della crusca direct.
"
"comme un homme europ?en, je trouve
it essential to constantly move
entre deux, peut-?tre trois
fremden zungen, oui moi?
cross-linguistic, my skills will improve!
"
"old roads don't survive stormy weather.
the way they were built wasn't clever.
the ones made from rubble
(which give endless trouble)
were casually cobbled together.
"
"dalai lama: a buddhist at ease
in his spirit. with insight he sees,
but when feeling the need
for a pizza, he'll plead,
""make me one ? one with everything, please.""
"
"there's an outdoor sport, cross-country riding,
which gives horsemen a feel for deciding
how to ride the right way
over obstacles, say,
when in search of a fox who's in hiding.
"
"cut a cone with a plane. all agree
where the two intersect one can see
different curves are defined.
these in maths are assigned
the term conics. let's look at all three.
"
"in genetics, deletion mutation
can lead to severe variation
in your chromosomes where
dna's not all there.
this could lead to a health aberration.
"
"""the eagle has landed!"" that news
was amazing, but still some refuse
to believe it was true.
does that include you?
do you share these conspiracist views?
"
"it is easy to make a mistake
with the colourful coral pipe snake.
its markings are bright
and may well cause a fright,
but it's harmless, a bit of a fake!
"
"disincarnate souls go, it is said,
to a place where we all have to tread:
an aery, ethereal,
quite immaterial
afterlife world of the dead.
"
"to describe a dynamical system
you must learn complex maths. don't resist 'em
if you wish to embrace
how in time and in space
a point moves. study now if you missed 'em.
"
"in a total eclipse of the sun,
a remarkable sequence is run.
baily's beads will appear
round the dark lunar sphere?
awesome beauty that's second to none.
"
"i am trying so hard not to boast
of my skills as our breakfast club host;
but it has to be said,
when it comes to sliced bread,
i'm the 'host with the most' making toast.
"
"when jesus established his church,
not one soul did he leave in the lurch.
he passed on his teachings
in eminent preachings
by church fathers (says my research).
"
"a cranial suture, it's said,
lets the bones of your skull slowly spread.
this doesn't cause pain
as might water on the brain.
(you'd treat that with a tap on the head!)
"
"we boy scouts would often go camping
and sometimes in woods would go tramping.
but camping's no fun
when the clouds hide the sun
and when rainfall your spirits are damping.
"
"dental arch: it's a curved row of teeth.
each one is contained in a sheath
of gums in your mouth,
one north and one south.
(your top jaw and the one underneath.)
"
"to measure a young guy's virility,
his girlfriend should test his facility.
if his passion and power
should last for an hour,
she'd say that he lacks deformability!
"
"a great prophet of god, we are told,
was elijah, outspoken and bold.
a man for his hour,
he relied on the power
of the lord in those stories of old.
"
"if a person who dies without heirs
owned property ? houses or shares,
it is us you should call
to take care of it all,
for bona vacantia cares!
"
"billy butlin was head of a chain
of large holiday camps. in the main
they were built by the sea,
where we all like to be
and would go to again and again.
"
"round the sun there's a colourful sphere.
viewed from earth, it will only appear
when the moon on its run
fully blocks out the sun.
then the chromosphere's beautifully clear.
"
"last summer our county abounded
with crop circles. we were surrounded!
these mystical features
bemused us. our teachers,
unable to speak, were dumfounded.
"
"with extreme peaks of volume resounding
from a sound system endlessly pounding,
its hearers won't panic
if headroom (dynamic)
improves its full output. astounding!
"
"if your favourite maiden is dusky,
and tends to wear perfume that's musky,
one hot night, i suspect
that you two will connect
with words of true love, sweet and husky!
"
"dui is a crime here (uk).
driving under the influence, say,
of a couple of drinks
when the alcohol links
to your brain, there's a high price to pay!
"
"a cytotechnologist can,
with the aid of a sample and scan,
detect cancer in cells,
and a doctor then tells
the ill patient the news man to man.
"
"we were strolling last evening through town,
when my wife said, ""let's boogie on down
to the club for some clubbing.""
""no, the pub for some pubbing!
'cause dancing,"" i said, ""makes me frown.""
"
"writing doggerel often would do,
but not, my love, since i met you.
now i'd rather my time
wasn't spent on bad rhyme ?
i'm composing a sonnet or two!
"
"whilst adam was praying in chapel,
young eve popped around with an apple.
""dear,"" she said, ""take a bite!""
which he did, with delight;
now with knowledge of evil they grapple.
"
"to a moderate person a diet
of protest, disturbance, or riot,
or the threat of emeutes,
puts his heart in his boots.
he would rather stay home and keep quiet!
"
"old bricks and antique building stone
can be chemical weathering prone.
atmospheric corrosion
produces erosion;
acid rain can do this on its own.
"
"a celestial body may be
eclipsed or occulted. we see
it withdraw from our sight.
its return to the light
is emersion described to a t.
"
"there was once a young man from capri
who was stung on the face by a bee.
when they asked, ""does it sting?""
he said only one thing:
""friends, i'm dying! please call my gp!""
"
"when you're writing, an adage or saw
is so useful?we've heard it before.
so it helps us express
quite succinctly, no less,
the proverbial truths we adore.
"
"a nasty 'thick head' in the morning
could be a reminder or warning
to cut back your drinking,
unless, i am thinking,
a craniosclerosis is dawning.
"
"it is time that i got myself dressed.
ought to make an attempt, do my best,
for just sitting around
in withdrawal profound
leads, in my case, to getting depressed.
"
"""i must stress,"" said the judge, with a frown,
""that to murder's a crime in this town.
so i'll emphasise clearly
you'll pay for it dearly?
you're sentenced to death. take him down.""
"
"bold bad bedstead men, black-hearted breed,
are sad sinners with criminal creed,
ones who haul and who heave
brazen bedsteads, then leave
them at lovely locations ? dark deed!
"
"here's a story which had a sad end.
to say other would be to pretend.
of ab?lard, said h?lo?se,
""he'll ever be my fellow, he's
much more than a very good friend!""
"
"at dogdyke and chester-le-street
sleepers sleep; there's no cat on a seat
where passengers waited.
the branch lines were fated
by beeching's plan, sadly complete.
"
"the daguerreotype was, in its day,
considered a wonderful way
of recording for ever
an image (so clever!)
or a family group to portray.
"
"the danaides, danaus' daughters,
were condemned to forever draw waters,
their woe unremitting?
a sentence befitting
some forty-nine wedding night slaughters.
"
"each of my friends, marge and nina
in old buenos aires, has been a
great lover of shows,
like evita, and knows
the song ""don't cry for me argentina.""
"
"i've made a huge blunder and shredded
our photos from when we were wedded.
my wife is distraught!
our life's become fraught;
how could i be so dunder-headed?
"
"de jure segregation arose
when the law intervened to impose
racial sanctions concerning
a child's place of learning ?
""his skin colour says where he goes.""
"
"my licence suspended, i'm reeling,
so stunned that i feel like appealing.
too fast on the freeway,
found guilty, no leeway.
discombobulated?not a nice feeling!
"
"a woman tried walking one day
into church with her breasts on display.
this excited the priest,
but he thought that the least
she should do was to go home and pray!
"
"words the this in limerick are
hard too make to of sense by far.
a disordinance lurks
their in order; it works
place to their on meaning a bar!
"
"arteriographical writing
has never been classed as inviting,
but medics employ it,
they often enjoy it,
and some find it bloody exciting!
"
"take cystadeno-; add -carcinoma ?
a long word, but you have a diploma
from medical college,
so draw on your knowledge.
it's not a benign papilloma!
"
"the veterans marched to the square
to complain about taxes unfair.
but disassociation
caused mild agitation:
some wondered just why they were there.
"
"our farm needs an up-to-date tractor,
but my dad is an over-reactor
to anything new.
he says, ""horses will do.""
that's decisive to him as a factor!
"
"in the vatican, rooted in history,
the cardinals form the consistory,
but when they must cope
with the search for a pope,
meet in conclave, remote, cloaked in mystery!
"
"if the time that you pick's opportune,
a phenomenon seen, on the moon,
on its dark side, will show
in the form of faint glow.
it is earthshine, to science a boon.
"
"during crowning of monarchs, the sound
of good music should always abound.
william walton created
the march (widely feted) ?
crown imperial, deep and profound.
"
"on my calendar clearly i see:
""existentialist club meets at three.""
there i'm doing quite well,
and the folks think i'm swell ?
yes, ""the one who's most likely to be.""
"
"cyberstalker ? i misunderstood.
i had thought it meant 'pruning dead wood
from a cyber-shrub border',
not 'cyber marauder'
concealed in a cyberspace hood!
"
"highland scotland and ireland, it's said,
had a wailing lament for the dead.
this coronach cry,
more a shriek than a sigh,
was intoned by the women who led.
"
"in our towns, in an earlier time,
the outcome of serious crime,
such as murder and theft,
was some people bereft
of the means to survive in the grime.
"
"i have a good friend, name of beth,
who struggles with shortness of breath.
advanced emphysema
combined with oedema
may lead to her premature death.
"
"a candle burns steady and bright
with a holy and beautiful light.
healing peace one may reap
from its pure essence deep
to iillumine the soul's darkest night.
"
"the bauls: a bengalese sect
whose music commands great respect;
they've no dogmas or rites,
sacred scriptures or sites ?
just an oral tradition direct.
"
"my friend was baptised just last year
in a lake where the water was clear.
he was told, ""the lord frees us;
so did you see jesus?""
""no,"" he said, ""sure he jumped in just here?""
"
"arriving by ""male order"" soon
is my new ""sheepdog"" bra, quite a boon.
it rounds 'em up nicely,
directs 'em precisely ?
my man's feeling over the moon!
"
"super-(fill in the rest)-alidocious:
in the film mary poppins, atrocious
describes well that word,
the longest i've heard.
say it loud and you'll sound quite precocious!
"
"withdrawing from flames, your arm jerked
as your cuneate fasciculus worked.
it sent warnings of pain
from your arm to your brain ?
thus avoiding the danger that lurked.
"
"landscape gardening, that's what i do.
to my wife i'm the earthmover too:
we play passionate games
and she often exclaims,
""wow, my dear, did the earth move for you?""
"
"eee.  you can pick from a list
of many that wouldn't be missed,
from a video game
all the way to the name
of a capital ? yes, i insist!
"
"when surviving financial depression,
or a deep economic regression,
take to heart this wise tip ?
to expect double dip,
that is, two market falls in succession.
"
"there's a clear and developed alliance
between medical practice and science.
with its clinical skills,
pharmacology fills
our strong need for drug safety compliance.
"
"in some parts of the world the earth's crust
has to give or its surface will bust.
tectonic plates press
on each other. this stress
crustal movement creates ? dust to dust.
"
"when it's dark and you're feeling forlorn
and you wish that you'd never been born,
 i will pray you won't start
to lose faith in your heart:
for the darkest hour's just before dawn.
"
"at the start of calamity jane,
a stagecoach rolls in o'er the plain.
it's an old ""wild west"" scene,
quite the best there has been,
in a film i watch time and again.
"
"in blank verse there's a good rule of thumb
you must follow when writing, and some
find this discipline sweet ?
lines have five iamb feet;
though non-rhyming, they bounce to ""di-dum"".
"
"i would hope that you'd act on this thought
on importing the goods you have bought:
check that all duty's paid
or they may be delayed,
yes, embargoed, that's ""held in a port"".
"
"this is amphiprostylar: the kind
of arrangement you often will find
where a portico's graced
by free columns. they're placed
at each side or each end and aligned.
"
"in his manger the christ child lies sleeping,
while the world goes on warring and weeping.
for peace we are yearning
as earth goes on turning
and angels a vigil are keeping.
"
"an investor should be quite discerning
of a company's level of earning.
a useful convention
that's worthy of mention,
ebitda, will aid in this learning.
"
"cyberterror: deliberate attack
by internet vandals who hack.
the terrorists do it
and governments view it
as warfare; all morals they lack.
"
"stressing out at the gym once again,
i came home feeling muscular pain.
said my wife, ""embrocation
will be your salvation;
come here, i'll rub some on your brain!""
"
"""a nation divided can't stand.""
now east germany's proud that its land
with the west's reunited.
the world is delighted.
one nation's restored, and that's grand!
"
"a procedure performed on the eyes,
should restriction of movement arise,
is the forced duction test,
where results are assessed
in what cockneys all call 'yer mince pies'.
"
"carl jung said that getting to know,
through our middle-aged years as we grow,
gender features we hide
(they're our opposite side)
will free energy sleeping below.
"
"it's a characteristic of man,
which a good anthropologist can
(after study with care)
class as nice wavy hair ?
cymotrichous ? part of god's plan.
"
"as rivers pour into the sea,
like the thames or the severn or dee,
disemboguement is seen
as saltwater has been
mixed with fresh ? just like milk stirred in tea!
"
"a close doctor-patient relation
will help to avoid litigation,
for the patient can trust
his physician, who must
take great care during each operation.
"
"to eat, one must work; it's god's plan.
employment is good for a man.
but long unemployment
removes life's enjoyment ?
it's best to avoid if one can!
"
"the atomic collider at cern,
on its recent inaugural burn,
found magnetic attraction
produced no reaction.
it still has a few tricks to learn!
"
"i've been dating a charmer named grace.
each night we go back to her place,
where, in arms so inviting,
so warm and exciting,
i'm lost in her loving embrace.
"
"dale farm, found in essex uk,
is a travellers' site. part, they say,
built without acquisition
of planning permission;
the law says they must move away.

at the time that this author is writing
all appeals have been quashed, the law's bighting
as protesters, some masked,
confront bailiffs, they're tasked
with clearing the site, but there's fighting.

the solution for which we should press
to this human disaster, i guess,
is a new legal home,
for all travellers who roam,
must be found without further distress.
"
"two curves are combined as a pair ?
one is convex, one concave; that's where
a gentle connection
creates near perfection ?
a cyma reversa so fair!
"
"two nuns were attempting to pray
when the devil dropped in. he said, ""hey,
did you know i'm the boss?""
one said, ""show him your cross.""
so the other yelled, ""out of my way!""
"
"a dwarf star has diminutive size;
the star overhead in our skies,
which is known as the sun,
is small but it's fun,
since the warmth for all life it supplies.
"
"this england, this place of my birth,
""throne of kings"" by the bard's words, is worth
for the rest of my days,
my affection and praise.
i would live nowhere else on this earth.
"
"on the roads, at police-force insistence,
when driving, heed critical distance
from the next car in front,
for a bad rear-end shunt
could result from close-driving persistence.
"
"since the morning christ rose from the dead
a new epoch has started, it's said.
for all of mankind
in these years we may find
that by god's holy spirit we're led.
"
"attracted to (feeling akin)
or entering via the skin,
such a virus would be
dermotropic ? a flea
could convey one, or even a pin.
"
"should a doctor have need of a guide
to learn more of your tumour inside,
with an endoscope view
and cup forceps he'll do
a procedure well known and well tried.
"
"as we go on in life do we smother
the sensitive life in our brother,
or some  courtesy show
and confirm that we know
we are here to be one with each other?
"
"yes, christmas approaches again!
the snow is piled high in the lane.
santa's checking his list;
not a child will be missed.
their excitement is hard to restrain.
"
"as a tv show theme nothing's crazier:
take a radio shrink (no-one hazier),
his brother (a pest),
a caregiver/guest,
plus his cranky old dad ? you've got frasier.
"
"in brittany, france (see your map),
afternoon is the time for a nap.
then a boatman, if wise,
shades the sun from his eyes
with the peak of his old breton cap.
"
"i have a young cat, and she leans
towards nervousness, so full of beans.
her extreme worried state,
i've discovered of late,
is what cat on a hot tin roof means.
"
"at hastings the normans defeated
the saxons in battle quite heated.
then this foreign invader
at bramber on adur
a strong brooding castle completed.
"
"i wanted to quit but persisted,
convinced that the number existed.
ex-directory choice
put an edge on my voice
when i heard, ""sir, that number's not listed.""
"
"have you ever considered the strains
placed on couplings occurring on trains?
note, i don't mean the sort
that could end up in court!
no, the kind that a dragbolt contains.
"
"twenty-sixth of december ? our street
had a fabulous boxing day treat.
cinderella on ice ?
i sat through it twice.
now my christmas is really complete.
"
"it's the name for a high piece of land
or a person distinguished or grand.
plus it's also the title
for cardinals vital.
it's eminence, folks ? understand?
"
"my architect friend is euphoric.
his career path has been meteoric.
he writes columns, no less,
in the architects' press ?
(ionic, corinthian, doric).
"
"science fiction, when put to the test,
has one show that outshines all the rest.
it's got gritty reality
shunning banality ?
tv has blake's 7, the best!
"
"by an empire we all understand
a large gathering of peoples or land.
a strong leader's delighted
he's ruled and united
them. emperor names him ? how grand!
"
"en passant (as the frenchmen maintain)
means ""in passing"", i'd like to explain.
and quite often you'll see
it reduced to e.p.
in descriptions of chess in the main.
"
"cretaceous: geological time
when reptiles were well past their prime.
many insects and plants
began taking a chance
to thrive in a landscape sublime.
"
"hydrocarbons begin their formation
during sediment lithification.
after thousands of years,
coal or oil then appears.
diagenesis names this mutation.
"
"an old elephant knows, when he gets it,
that amnesia hurts if he lets it.
'til his memory mends,
any trunk calls to friends
he can't make, and he truly regrets it.
"
"cyclical blood neutropenia
can occur in a babe ? or a senior.
white neutrophil quota
falls low. (but do note, a
low red cell report means anemia.)
"
"in the garden of one of my aunts
(designed in a way to enhance
her pleasure in living)
is furniture, giving
her joy, but a house full of plants!
"
"as an artist, i tried to deduce
why, when blending magnolia with puce,
or with colours like green,
the results looked obscene.
in the end i gave up ? what's the use?
"
"the remarkable robert the bruce
tried again and again to deduce
why the spider's finesse
wasn't crowned with success;
could there be a moose loose 'boot the hoose?
"
"the transitive verb to adduce
has a really tight meaning (not loose).
use ""discern"" or ""determine,""
you show lack of learnin';
adduce ? ""give as reasons or proofs.""
"
"i was talking today to a gent
who'd tried giving up chocolate for lent
but had found the appeal
of its dark smoothness real
and had failed to achieve his intent.
"
"i've a hundred and one things to do,
and minutes for leisure are few.
my day is so busy
i feel rather dizzy.
if you're wanting a date ? join the queue!
"
"our ken dodd, liverpudlian star,
sometimes says things that sound quite bizarre.
tickled pink, but in shock he stated,
""i'm all discomknockerated!
liverpool? cultural? ta!""
"
"i write limericks, causing great strife
in our home between me and my wife.
her friend says she guesses
it's not worth the stresses.
such empathy's rare in this life!
"
"that the diplogonoporus worm
can sometimes establish a perm-
anent dwelling inside
of a human, i've tried
to forget, for the thought makes me squirm!
"
"""houston here, it's your dad, spaceman jed.
starting countdown, all prayers have been said.""
""dad, i hope i survive! ? ""
""ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five ? ""
""four, three, two ? "" ""it's your mum, time for bed!""
"
"solace is what my soul seeks
when i'm visiting cumbria's peaks.
there joys and delights
can be found in its heights ?
it's a place where eternity speaks.
"
"if a fugitive criminal gent
should back to his country be sent,
his rapid removal
will meet with approval.
extradition achieves this intent.
"
"if in science you work day by day,
you should follow the rules; it will pay.
experimentation
and close observation ?
it's called the empirical way.
"
"an affliction, encountered by some,
on which sensitive folk will stay mum,
was once emerods named.
on weak veins they are blamed
and they may be a pain in the bum!
"
"where communitas spirit pervades,
any self-centered interest just fades.
all members are equal ?
the natural sequel
to loving and caring in spades.
"
"there once was a time when a sunday
was god's day, and lived as the one day
we classed as dominical.
now folks, i'm not cynical,
but sad it's become just a fun day!
"
"a shepherd once mentioned to me
that he thought this invention could be
quite a good way, and cheap,
to distinguish his sheep.
""it's the 'baa code',"" he said, ""don't you see?""
"
"if you're ill, and your doctor's insistin'
you've bacillus inside you resistin'
the usual drugs
that are used on such bugs,
then it may help to treat with colistin.
"
"so your allergy's causing you pain?
and you're suffering rashes again?
then a decadron might
just succeed in the fight
and encourage the symptoms to wane.
"
"books of christopher robin and pooh,
and tigger and kanga and roo,
and eeyore and rabbit,
i love. i've the habit
of reading them often ? do you?
"
"the element carbon can spend
time in various forms, which depend
on its place. allotropic
we call it, a topic
we study in chemistry, friend!
"
"take exercise daily (like me),
don't smoke, make your diet fat-free,
go for walks, run or row,
keep cholesterol low ?
then your heart will stay healthy, you'll see.
"
"as i dreamed in a garden, secluded,
some delusions of reference intruded.
""my destiny's bound
with these mushrooms i've found.""
these thoughts filled my mind as i brooded.
"
"sea-anemones lodge on his back
for the hermit crab's scared of attack.
this creature aquatic
has allosematic
protection ? he's no tasty snack!
"
"""free the children of israel"" said god
to moses, ""alone, on your tod!""
to the desert he led 'em
(where god daily fed 'em)
then died short of canaan ? poor sod!
"
"""dermatosis!"" a patient intones.
""oh my god, my skin's blotchy in zones!
but it ain't any sin
to take off my skin,
and dance all around in my bones!""
"
"""sussexdownsman,"" my name when i'm telling
the joys of the place where i'm dwelling,
paints a picture of me
near south downs and the sea,
in a county all others excelling.
"
"demographic transition (dt)
is a model which shows you and me
why the birth and death rates
of developing states
tend to fall in the way that we see.
"
"if you're courting a beauty so rare,
you must go beard the lion in his lair.
where's a will, there's a way;
while the sun shines, make hay;
for we know, none but brave deserve fair!
"
"when we find that our face is affected,
so some part cannot move as directed,
it may be that a nerve
is unable to serve
facial muscles. bell's palsy's suspected.
"
"i know language, but vocalisation
is hard for me, such a frustration.
it is called delayed speech,
a disorder that each
time i speak limits normal narration.
"
"a yorkshireman thought it a sin:
his wife's headstone said, ""lord, she was thin"".
to the mason, said he,
""you have left off the e!""
at ""eeh lord, she was thin"" now we grin.
"
"the word apps ? this might sound like a feature
of cathedrals, but learn from this teacher;
their use has exploded
on cell phones now loaded.
i've one that quotes teachings of nietzsche!
"
"there's a type of dianthus, clove pink,
whose age is unknown. people think
it has ancient relations
with modern carnations'
ancestral botanical link.
"
"the shows of the old d'oyly carte
were outstanding theatrical art.
arthur sullivan set
gilbert's words, the best yet,
to his music, which warmed every heart.
"
"a heart malformation in you
can render your skin colour blue.
cyanopathy names it,
and medicine tames it
in treatment. (it's blue jaundice too.)
"
"11/11/18,
we all asked ourselves, ""where have we been?""
i said to fred, ""well,
we've come back from hell!""
and passed him a poppy, serene.
"
"uk's digital signal, we're told,
will make radio sound clear and bold.
hiss and crackle will end
for the signal they send
will be just ones and noughts good as gold.
"
"to be/not to be? that's the nub
of a chat i once had down tom's pub.
bruce, my great aussie mate,
said, ""i hate this debate.
be content and just order some grub!""
"
"the aim of the delphi technique
is to forecast results, and to seek
a consensus-based view
from wise counsellors, who
are all known for insightful critique.
"
"exposture's an obsolete word.
to use it would be quite absurd.
if you wish to convey
the same meaning  just say
exposure?today it's preferred.
"
"an exploded view drawing's created
to show how the parts are related
of an object. its goal
is to show how the whole
is achieved when assembled / collated.
"
"an angel's a being who brings
good news to mankind, and who sings
of god's love for us all.
they will come to our call.
talk of angels; they're flapping their wings!
"
"with its small bell-shaped blooms, the bell heather
is a plant which adores hot dry weather.
it thrives in full sun
looking second to none
when a group of them grow close together.
"
"davy crockett, they say, knew no fear.
into battles he always would steer.
they would bring him great fame
and a glorious name ?
 'the king of the wild frontier.'
"
"one artform with roots in the soul
is eurythmy. it has a deep role
in encouraging healing
through movement and feeling
supporting one's urge to be whole.
"
"when my butcher said, ""bet you you'll buy
my nice top-shelf-stored meats."" i asked ""why?""
""they're so fresh,"" he replied.
""i'm not betting,"" i sighed,
""i don't bet when the stakes are too high!""
"
"you'll agree it is quite a surprise
to find words written down in disguise.
some people cpmplbjn
that to read them's a pbjn ?
the result when you consonantise.
"
"greek temples had features harmonic ?
corinthian, doric, ionic;
they had beauty profound
like the glorious sound
of great classical music ? symphonic!
"
"impresario r. d'oyly carte
offered gifted performers a part
in each new g and s.
good reviews in the press
meant careers would obtain a good start.
"
"the internet world's cybersquatter
takes trademarks and then, as a plotter,
makes fraudulent gain
as he sells the domain
for big profits ? the act of a rotter!
"
"tomorrow, the fourth of july,
our children parade. they're not shy.
fancy dress they'll display
on our callithump day
and prizes we'll give by and by.
"
"visit blackpool, the place to have fun.
it's a holiday town and the one
in which we were told
(in the story of old)
of the ramsbothams' trip with their son.
"
"if you're seeking political power,
don't sit in an ivory tower.
no,  a demagogue fights
for the popular rights
of the people he leads by the hour.
"
"the term dearterialisation
of blood means, in simple summation,
deoxygenation
and also creation
of carbon dioxide inflation.
"
"a bowl is a ball, but not round
(that's the jack), so it rolls on the ground
in a long curving track
as it heads for the jack,
if the lawn has no ripple or mound.
"
"a criterion-referenced test
is where, should you give of your best,
a true understanding
may aid you in landing
an outcome exceeding the rest.
"
"""blocked up ear canals? oh, what a pain.
so, a problem? less sound to your brain?""
my poor friend simply sighed,
moved in close and replied,
""pardon me, could you say that again?""
"
"there's an old philosophical view
that holds christian means humanist too,
and that freedom is part
of the christ-indwelt heart
of all humans on earth ? even you!
"
"i love emmenthal ? cheese of a dream!
with its lovely smooth texture of cream,
it is tasty in rolls,
and is all full of holes,
so small mice like it too, it would seem!
"
"in describing a cuneate leaf
one might say it appears, to be brief,
in shape as do wedges
with nice curving edges.
an acute angled, three-side motif.
"
"in the words of the bible we're warned,
that when adam and eve were suborned
by the devil (as snake),
god informed him, ""i'll make
you accurs?d."" henceforth he was scorned.
"
"the  curia romana could be
of importance to you and to me.
at its head is the pope
and together they hope
that the church will stay truly rc.
"
"this title may well be afforded
to someone in life who's applauded
for service. they're famed;
now retired they are named
emeritus ?  gladly awarded.
"
"queen elizabeth, that is, the second,
succeeded when death her pa beckoned.
her reign has been glorious,
long and victorious.
one of the best, it is reckoned.
"
"from some insects, who live, to my sorrow,
for only one day, may i borrow
this thought on our life
of ephemeral strife?
it's ? we're all here today, gone tomorrow.
"
"the deuteroplasm (the yolk,
in an egg) helps sustain, or to stoke,
as it constantly feeds
the protoplasm's needs,
which nutrient lack would provoke.
"
"the thames, london's river, is great.
it has long narrow islands, quite straight.
some thirty or so
are set in its flow,
which is strange, for each one's called an eyot.
"
"you're advised it is time to enhance
your golf style, to choose the closed stance.
your instructor's opposed
to an open stance: ""closed
is for you,"" he says. ""give it a chance!""
"
"leaving rome, if your wheels tend to stray,
and what should take an hour takes a day,
and your collies are wobbling
it's due to the cobbling.
you're riding the appian way!
"
"i'm just learning to play carpet bowls
so my wife checks my shoes have soft soles.
carpet golf i preferred,
but she said, ""how absurd,
a carpet with eighteen round holes?""
"
"there's a beauty i crave but, oh lumme,
i can't tell her; i'm really a dummy.
i have a great quote
but words stick in my throat,
and butterflies lurk in my tummy.
"
"with regard to the life of a cell:
by its cytomorphosis we tell
how it's changed and it's grown.
all the stages are known
from its birth to its final farewell.
"
"if you've weakness and slurred or thick speech,
or wasting of muscle cells, each
would suggest als
has begun to progress.
that's what medical textbooks all teach.
"
"an investment of which i'm quite fond
is this ""soft landing"" fixed income bond.
its rate fluctuations
in market gyrations
are slow in the way they respond.
"
"""i trained hard, so i won! i'm ecstatic.""
(one results in the other: ecbatic).
""from when i begin
i train so as to win.""
(that is telic: intention emphatic).
"
"when electing mps, the uk
has a fine democratical way:
it's 'one person, one vote'?
a good system, you'll note.
every briton has his or her say.
"
"my love for my darling can vary
'cause sometimes her legs can be hairy.
should she epilate often
my feelings would soften
towards her. she'd not seem so scary.
"
"johnners gave me a stare cold and chilly
when i claimed that he'd said something silly.
best of in-the-aisles rollers
i laughed at: ""the bowler's
holding, the batsman's (yes!) willey.""
"
"when the new reformed church was perfected,
and some catholic believers objected,
they launched in each nation
the counter reformation.
hail mary! their ways were protected.
"
"copper, alloyed with nickel and zinc,
is a beautiful sight, people think,
when electrically plated
with silver, though rated
less highly, for instance, than mink.
"
"a sexologist, asked to portray
the difference 'twixt genders today,
gave thought to the matter
then said, ""i won't flatter.
ten minutes on average, i'd say.""
"
"on a trip to hong kong my friend dick saw
a transport mode sweet as a kickshaw.
for his trips to the sights
and the local delights
it was perfect ? the old cycle rickshaw.
"
"does decay in your teeth give you grief?
analgesics can offer relief
by removing all pain.
you can feel good again,
your suffering having been brief.
"
"an old emu just can't understand
that he won't know the lie of the land
when he chooses to hide
from an oncoming tide,
with his head buried deep in the sand.
"
"dental formula: this is the way
we can show in a graphic display
how the teeth in a mouth,
front and back, north and south,
are set out in specific array.
"
"a crop circle ? lovely crop pattern
in fields. is it made with a batten,
or similar boards
that are wielded by frauds,
or invaders from venus or saturn?
"
"an essex girl finds it's a strain
when expected to challenge her brain.
so, please understand
that her coffee break's banned.
she would take far too long to retrain!
"
"a supporter of church linked with state,
who appears to believe that its fate
is well served in that way,
could be said to display
an establishmentarian trait.
"
"in the past, doctors used to be quick
to prescribe for the sick a slick trick.
so, what was it followed
an overdose swallowed?
an emetic. it made one be sick!
"
"of days of the week we have seven,
dominicus (first) there to leaven
or lighten the others,
the day christian brothers
should worship and rest ? it's just heaven!
"
"essex girl and a modern computer:
each responds different ways to a tutor.
for that slow-learning dunce
you must punch more than once.
i should know; i've for years been her suitor!
"
"since the iqs of essex girls tend
to be low (it's a recognised trend),
then to total a nifty
one hundred and fifty
you'd need all of basildon, friend!
"
"i'd like to know (please, keep it clean!)
just what is the difference between
clever essex girls, chaps,
and a bigfoot? perhaps
that the latter's been actually seen?
"
"to a buxom young waitress called lyn
said a daft essex girl, with a grin,
""gosh, that nametag's real cute,
reading 'lyn'. what a beaut!
tell me, what did you christen her twin?""
"
"when you're causing a liquid to flow
through a porous material, so
induced by applying
a current, you're trying
electro-osmosis you know.
"
"the word ?pris? the way you are feeling
when the woman next door has you reeling.
with her you're enamoured.
your feelings have clamoured
to tell her you find her appealing!
"
"my favourite city is delhi,
though in summer it can get quite smelly.
but don't drink the water:
i did once and caught a
severe case of old delhi belly.
"
"some say brighton can be a bit sleazy;
greasy chips turn your tummy quite queasy.
still, a pie and a beer
and a walk on the pier
make the seaside appear bright 'n' breezy!
"
"i have an old friend, name of frank,
who has never been into a bank.
he deposits, instead,
savings under his bed.
his neighbours all think he's a crank.
"
"""my dear hubby,"" said cousin louise,
""died in pain, cutting sprouts, on his knees.
his heart stopped; he turned blue.""
i asked, ""what did you do?""
she said, ""opened a nice tin of peas!""
"
"obsessive compulsive ? that's me:
one two three, one two three, one two three.
my thoughts need retraining.
now help i am gaining
from therapy called cbt.
"
"when my friend, at the end of his tether
with delusions, required to know whether
he might be a curtain,
his shrink said, ""not certain?
try pulling yourself back together!""
"
"the labour can be quite a pain
cutting dovetailed joints time and again.
take advice from this guy:
it will help if you buy
for yourself a nice new dovetail plane.
"
"if your fish are refusing to feed
it might be that your fish tank lacks weed.
you may need to confess
that to limit their stress
it's elodea plants that you need.
"
"democracy: ""one man, one vote.""
in the west we are all proud to quote?
""your vote counts, it's quite fair,""
but in systems elsewhere
your count votes: that is feudal, we note.
"
"lovely eden we're told was a garden
whence all of mankind, with no pardon,
was ejected forever
for being too clever:
a lesson to learn and a hard'n!
"
"whilst chatting with someone i'd met,
a bonnie scots lass, i said, ""pet,
so you grew up in fife!
been here all of your life?""
she just sighed and retorted, ""not yet!""
"
"the man who does government work
enjoys a most valuable perk,
but sometimes he's blamed
and embusqu? he's named,
for military roles he can shirk.
"
"it's a sea-bird, a species of loon,
a hot coal from a fire dying soon,
or for churchgoers, their
days of fasting and prayer.
this is ember, to wordsmiths a boon!
"
"having sinned, you are clearly to blame,
yet refuse to repent. now the aim
of your elders may be
to exclude you. we'll see
excommunication imposed to your shame.
"
"touch an object, the feelings you'll get
will be epiperipheral, yet,
if they rise or begin
(as with hunger) within
they're an entoperipheral set.
"
"i've a holiday home on the gower.
it is built in the shape of a tower.
it's a beautiful spot
so i use it a lot
as a place where my friends i embower.
"
"i suppose i concede, on reflection,
it's a trivial view or objection
to say freshwater fish
doesn't make a fried dish;
for to carp at a carp needs correction.
"
"when your problems in life have just doubled
and your shares in the south seas have bubbled,
you can always depend
upon me as your friend ?
a bridge over water that's troubled.
"
"if you hope to clinch contracts (well paid!)
doing business with contacts you've made
and you're far from your home,
say, in paris or rome,
then your consul will help you to trade.
"
"my friend, in our panto, is great
as an emu, but takes his cues late.
his lines he starts missing;
the children start hissing.
our late emu don't emulate, mate!
"
"i've discovered, upon the demise
of my grandfather, such a surprise.
his estate, on capri,
he's demised all to me.
what a prize to demise when one dies!
"
"a girlfriend with movement balletic
declined my attraction magnetic.
i confirmed this was true
by the view on my new
declinometer. well, how pathetic!
"
"""are you free?"" was a question oft heard
by the grace brothers' staff, and it stirred
that daft betty slocombe
to tease and provoke 'em
by talk of her pussy ? absurd!
"
"an embassy, sent to the soil
of a country that's foreign, is loyal
to its sponsoring state.
but smoke embassy, mate,
and your health you are likely to spoil.
"
"the cyathophyllidae corals
as fossils aren't challenged by morals
of users marine
on the waterworld scene.
(we know leisure with corals oft quarrels!)
"
"carbon atoms joined up in a row
were all wondering why they were so.
said the first, ""we're a chain,
and a chain must remain,
for there's strength found in numbers, you know!""
"
"the chinese wisteria grows
on houses as everyone knows.
it brings to these places
some fine gentle graces.
when flowering, its beauty just glows!
"
"queen elizabeth, that is, the first,
was in matters of state deeply versed.
she promoted fair laws
and the protestant cause,
which, by some catholic people, was cursed.
"
"a plant will obtain satisfaction
in the process we call dark reaction,
which means compounds converted
to sugars, exerted
as energy ? what a transaction!
"
"the function of each contour feather
is to mould a bird's shape, which shows whether
it is able to fly
like the eagle, or lie
well concealed like the grouse in the heather.
"
"add on method: you need to be knowing
that the interest due's never slowing.
every month it is paid
on the whole loan, not made
to reflect just the balance still owing.
"
"just lately i'm not feeling great;
i'm condemned to be working here late.
but that's how life goes
as the list slowly grows
of your limericks awaiting their fate.
"
"a young shepherd cried, ""lads, did you see
in the sky there? an angel, and he
said a baby's been born!""
but his mates said, with scorn,
""he's been drinking again, let him be!""
"
"saint christopher (shortened form chris)
in legend, it's said, once did this?
was ""christ-bearer."" it's true!
some believe (quite a few)
to forget him would be quite remiss.
"
"i'm dating a bright girl named kate.
we're betting on chess games of late.
by playing this honey,
i've lost all my money.
she says, ""a cheque, mate, suits me great!""
"
"i've a friend to whom life's been unkind.
deep anxiety plays on his mind.
compulsive behaviour
has not been his saviour.
obsessive thoughts too?what a bind!
"
"a name that is given / assigned
to flowers which, botanists find,
are seen now and then
with the stamen count ten
is decandrian. keep that in mind.
"
"""take deoxy- then -guanosine plus
monophosphate; you have, without fuss,
a nucleotide,
one of four which reside
in our dna."" students, discuss!
"
"some ephesians were christians, we see,
in old ephesus. (check the n.t.)
the apostle, st. paul,
used to write to them all.
(or did somebody else? that may be.)
"
"when commuting, a favourite of mine,
in my youth, was the 8.29.
that semi-fast train
would again and again
take me, london-bound, straight up the line.
"
"in the human our wonderful brain
will take action to shield us from pain.
say a finger we burn:
this will cause it to learn
how to stop it occurring again.
"
"legend has it that branches were torn
from a small eastern tree, now christ's thorn,
and were placed on the head
of our saviour, who led
us to new life on easter's bright morn.
"
"as a reptile grows large, fat or thin,
it must shed or exuviate skin.
when its coat's grown too tight
it's with joyful delight
that it rubs on a rock to begin.
"
"sometimes writing a limerick i find
nothing helpful comes into my mind.
a cognitive factor
might help me react or
at least lead me out of this bind.
"
"the great prophet ezekiel was led
to speak out to the bones of the dead
which were scattered around.
these, his words, were profound ?
yes, ""dem dry bones will live."" so it's said.
"
"when i'm writing i sometimes decide
that part of my content i'll hide.
two examples we see?
('scuse my french) c'est la vie.
there ce becomes c ? to elide.
"
"the system that's called double-entry
accounting acts just like a sentry.
it checks that mistakes
do not happen and makes
all transactions appear elementary.
"
"when an earthquake occurs in the ground
a reaction is felt all around.
the most damage will be
at the epicentre, see,
straight above where the fault rupture's found.
"
"since danger abounds at ground zero,
there's no need to behave like a hero.
check the blast line and know
where it's safest to go.
just don't carelessly fiddle like nero.
"
"one cannot describe in a word
the human-like shriek, which is heard
in the jungle at night,
and gives folks such a fright.
they call it ceylon's devil bird.
"
"epsom downs: such a beautiful place
where fine horses contest a great race.
of the derby we're proud.
it attracts a huge crowd.
if an owner's horse wins, watch his face!
"
"one cimicidae member's a bug,
of the kind that you won't want to hug!
often found in your bed,
on your blood it has fed,
feeling snug as a bug in a rug.
"
"slow digestion? it once was worth seeing
if a laxative purge could be freeing.
epsom salts, were they pure,
might effect a quick cure
and completely restore one's wellbeing.
"
"the moment has come... it's dramatic.
you open that trunk. you're ecstatic.
your heart's beating faster...
for there... an old master!
find fortune on cash in the attic.
"
"in computing, one recognised way
of describing a database, say,
talks of entities shown
in a table form, known
by the name er model. ok?
"
"our desire, we all find, is a thing
which with age slowly fades; it takes wing,
and performance lacks wellie.
we'd rather watch telly.
in fact, chaps, our dong's lost its ding!
"
"if there's one thing i find really freeing,
which enhances my sense of well-being,
as i glide over snow
with my face all aglow,
it's the fine sport of cross country skiing.
"
"i've invented new cream for the skin ?
pure emollient, gentle and thin.
should good business ensue,
an emolument's due
for the service i've rendered therein!
"
"the price of a house may depend
on the message its features can send.
a corbel step gable
is oftentimes able
desirable status to lend.
"
"the alphabet greeks used would be,
as the saying goes, ""all greek to me"".
one letter i know
is epsilon, though.
it's the same as the one we call  e.
"
"the fine english elm is a tree
of which few, in uk, now we see.
elm disease, described ""dutch,""
has caused harm to them such
that their future we can't guarantee.
"
"when describing a test, aggers may
have been one of the best of his day.
but, ""he just didn't quite
get his leg over"" might
have been said in a less doubtful way.
"
"my botanist friend, michael lees,
showed me ferns he had found and said, ""geez,
having chewed some on sight,
had the runs all last night!
who needs enemas with good fronds like these?""
"
"my brother just dropped me a note
and this is the message he wrote:
""i won't 'phone you this week
as i find i can't speak.
i have epiglottitis (sore throat).""
"
"if you're yearning to feel fine and dandy,
then a dune buggy's really quite handy.
yes, for fun on the sand,
that rv is just grand.
i once bought one for darling wife sandie.
"
"when a ship's heading straight for a shoal
and the sailors have lost all control,
then a depth sounder might
have prevented their plight,
telling depth of the water its goal.
"
"there's a worrying trend in this nation.
common sense seems away on vacation.
it's disposal of assets ?
just one of the facets
of creeping demutualisation.
"
"my friend is distressed by dyspnoea.
he struggles for breath, and it's clear
his problem dyspnoic
needs effort heroic ?
he's marathon running next year!
"
"on this website, one thing that i hate
is to join in a workshop too late.
there's so much i could say,
but i fear, on that day,
i'd embrangle the clever debate!
"
"most companies feel more robust
when part of a corporate trust
and when acting like brothers:
resistance to others
grows stronger. some think it a must.
"
"economics may cause this confession
by the greeks; it's a real sad expression:
""we're tzatziki bereft
and there's no hummus left ?
we've a double-dip type of recession!""
"
"of philosophers, some have opined
universals exist in the mind.
they claim, with insistence,
they lack real existence.
(conceptualism defined.)
"
"is an animal likely to stray
or to follow the home-loving way?
the branch of zoology
known as ethology
lifestyles attempts to display.
"
"in a baby, physicians agree
that abdominal defects can be
where some organs may fall
or protrude through the wall;
an exomphalos there we will see.
"
"ecce homo paints jesus, alive,
crowned with thorns. here we see someone strive
to depict, in true fashion,
the pain of christ's passion.
behold the man (john 19:5).
"
"dean martin was second to none
with his songs; all were hits, here is one?
""when a big greasy eel
sinks its teeth in your heel,
that's amore!"" (changed words, 'scuse the pun!)
"
"tilt your head, or just keep it erect.
whichever of these you select,
the eye, through its range
of rotation, will change.
cycloduction defines this effect.
"
"england's chichester harbour is noted
for its scenic attraction, and quoted
as an a.o.n.b.,
so it's easy to see
why its waters are frequently boated.
"
"if you take encephalitis and add
lethargica, you'll have a bad
dose of sickness that's sleepy,
which might make you weepy,
a speechless and motionless lad.
"
"a t-cell's a normal stay-homer,
but sometimes becomes a stray roamer.
it migrates to the skin
and develops therein
cutaneous t-cell lymphoma.
"
"people say it is axiomatic
that all newlyweds feel quite ecstatic,
just as we in the west
have decided it's best
to cast votes for a life democratic.
"
"in life, bees and badgers don't blend.
it's a recognised fact, not a trend.
but in limerick or sonnet
a bee in your bonnet
can lead one to badger a friend!
"
"if you're blessed with a good business mind
of the risk taking, self-starting kind,
plus a gift for creating
new ventures, i'm stating
you're for entrepreneurship designed.
"
"in ""he said it to her"" quotes we share
from the lives of this unlikely pair.
in a myth it's related
they quite often dated,
the bishop and actress so fair.
"
"though it's just five o'clock in the morn,
early music i hear on a horn.
it's my musical son
who considers it fun
and believes it should herald the dawn.
"
"if you utter first super- and cali-
fragilistic- and then expiali-,
and finish with docious,
you'll sound quite precocious!
say it quickly now, don't dilly dally!
"
"if a clear exegesis of text
is required, then what must come next?
a critical read
is just what you need.
it's easy, no need to be vexed.
"
"on the first christmas day, as bells pealed,
this was learned (but since then well concealed);
baby jesus's weight
was, on that joyful date,
by away in a manger revealed.
"
"the atmosphere round us abounds
with many and various sounds.
their mutual relation
and length or duration
the great echo meter expounds.
"
"as cyberspace growth tends to quicken,
one sees plots that develop there thicken ?
the new cyber thrillers
are virtual chillers,
a genre with which i'm quite stricken.
"
"flanders and swann was their name,
and writing revues was their game.
they were known to do that
at the drop of a hat,
thus this duo achieved lasting fame.
"
"the euphrates and tigris embark
on their journeys through turkey, iraq,
also syria; rivers
historic and givers
of mesopotamia's spark.
"
"any movement that's faith-based will aim
to reach out, and give help, in the name
of religious belief,
and its role, to be brief,
is to care in humanity's name.
"
"""ban the bomb"" is a slogan once used
by the cnd. they, who refused
to have weapons of dread,
often publicly said
such behaviour could not be excused.
"
"some might think that the term copper-glance
means a look from a policeman by chance.
no, it's a copper ore, mined
and then used, once refined,
our industrial wealth to enhance.
"
"exogenous means ""from without.""
it's defined thus. it's what it's about.
but something that grows
from within clearly shows
it's endogenous, no one can doubt.
"
"an elf was a mystical being
considered immortal, far seeing,
but as humans evolved,
then the elves were resolved
to depart mortal sight, this world fleeing.
"
"dear america, home of the brave,
you must soon learn a new way to save.
your 'aaa rated'
has now been abated
to 'aa plus' status ? that's grave!
"
"we say that a hypogene rock
has been formed in the earth's depths en bloc,
but by epigene mean
all those rocks that have been
made as part of the surface-formed stock.
"
"should the path lab receive a request
to advise which procedure is best,
in assessing what's ailing
when blood cells are failing,
the donath-landsteiner's the test.
"
"an elegy, lengthy or terse,
is a sad, doleful poem or verse.
its main theme may be death,
mourning someone's last breath,
in deep sadness, despair, or much worse.
"
"many hobbyist growers are keen
on the chinese hibiscus. first seen
in the tropics, widespread,
it has flowers bright red,
and most beautiful leaves, glossy green.
"
"blood is thicker than water, they say.
though a friend sometimes feels far away,
one's spouse is much dearer,
a child's love much clearer,
and siblings may fight, but they play.
"
"a young armadillo's heart sank
when tricked by a really cruel prank.
he discovered too late
friends had made him a date
with a cold, armour-plated old tank.
"
"oh my little dog's gone on a spree!
i don't know just what caused him to flee,
but i did have a thought:
both his ears were cropped short ?
so i guess that he blames it on me!
"
"i'm dyslexic. i struggle, you know,
wth my words, since a child i've been slow;
but i don't feel ashamed.
on a wall i've proclaimed:
""dyslexia rules k o!""
"
"an investor with downside protection
has decided to take, on reflection,
a safe long position
to counter attrition
resulting from market correction.
"
"in surveys, quotes, letters, these days
best include, for protection, this phrase.
it is e&amp;oe,
in effect, ""don't trust me!""
if you often make errors it pays.
"
"the alpine zone: one i adore
with its beautiful mountains that soar.
it has glaciers strong,
from its heights some are long,
as they flow to the deep valley floor.
"
"when a company's big aspirations
are affected by trade fluctuations,
it may be that its stock's
prone to cyclical knocks,
having cyclical stock appellations.
"
"the long-living eastern red cedar,
as far as trees go, is a leader
in years on this earth.
of supply there's no dearth.
it's considered a really good breeder.
"
"the note names in music notation
show their relative length or duration.
the prefixes semi-
and demi- and hemi-
are of latin/french/greek derivation.
"
"in the greek diophantus we see
a great ""father of algebra."" he
wrote some books all worth praising,
their contents amazing,
but, sadly, they're all greek to me!
"
"when a death has occurred, someone may
deal with debts and bequests, our laws say.
the executorship role
should achieve this set goal,
noting, ""where there's a will there's a way.""
"
"to find the molecular weight
of a solute, cryoscopy's great:
put a measured amount
in a solvent, then count
how its freezing point drops. with me, mate?
"
"you've been working long hours for your pay,
but 'the seagulls' are playing away;
now you've plotted a scheme
to go follow your team.
you'll be grabbing a nice duvet day.
"
"a good eschatological view
does its best to predict or pursue
all the signs that portend
how the world meets its end,
bidding all of existence ""adieu.""
"
"the crown-beard has flowering heads,
most attractive, but rapidly spreads.
its growth in profusion
is one bad intrusion
a farming community dreads.
"
"ethnobotanists seek to explain,
and to place in the public domain,
how people relate
to plants, and to state
the knowledge we all thus attain.
"
"an integral sometimes equips
mathematicians to come fast to grips
with the length of an arc.
*(my note's not a remark
which, without a fuss, off the tongue trips!)
"
"battle village, in sussex: the site
of a life-changing, king-making fight.
duke of normandy (bill),
there imposed his iron will,
on king harold, by arrow's true flight.
"
"an object, which circles through space
around earth at a synchronous pace
with the speed the earth turns,
has an orbit, one learns,
that may keep geosynchronous place.
"
"i've a talented friend, name of jim.
with achievements he's full to the brim.
when he's put to the test,
he will outshine the rest.
the cat's whiskers, i guess, describes him.
"
"to this orchestra's fame others yield
in the popular light music field.
of them all they are tops,
yes, the great boston pops.
for one hundred plus years they've appealed.
"
"some old castles had openings made
with their in-facing surfaces splayed.
such embrasures assisted,
when foes were resisted,
as settings for weapons arrayed.
"
"""i'm annoyed,"" said dear paddy. ""it's late.
i'm impatient to rhyme the word great.""
he'd been feeling quite blue;
then the barman said, ""you
could use fascinate; that would work, mate.""
"
"if a person's away with the birds,
it is likely he's one of those nerds
who, as some tend to feel,
live a life quite surreal.
(please forgive me my blunt unkind words.)
"
"the terms anoraks, dweebs, geeks and nerds
are among the unkindest of words.
they describe folks some feel
live in worlds quite surreal,
in a fashion 'away with the birds'!
"
"novak djokovic, serbia's son,
was, in tennis, the world's number one.
he, on wimbledon's court,
to such skill would resort
that one year he was second to none.
"
"the beautiful cherokee rose
reminds us of teardrops of those
proud indian races
removed to new places,
a story of sadness and woes.
"
"there's a good friend of mine, name of andy,
who has teeth stained by coffee and candy.
now to me he's confided
he's lately decided
a toothbrush (electric) is handy.
"
"in a human resource occupation
a demographist studies a nation.
he reports upon both
variations and growth
he observes in the real population.
"
"i've a lovely young friend in a mess.
she won't eat and, for her, more is less.
underweight, anorexic,
and also dyslexic,
""i bave to keeq silmmnig,"" writes tess.
"
"so here are the facts: if you're lax
in paying your tax to the max,
then the exciseman will
soon be sending a bill.
unpaid tax keeps that man on folk's backs.
"
"a faith cure is sometimes expected
when conventional help is rejected,
but the patient it lures
from the usual cures,
so by doctors is rarely respected.
"
"um ... just lately not mind's my at ease.
when i thoughts to ...  try think just i freeze
thoughts putting together ...
i'm wondering ... whether
it's alzheimer's, that not ... no please!
"
"my favourite pastime is boules,
which i play when in france, as a rule.
je ne sais pas pourquoi,
but my wife says, ""ha ha?
at times, dear, you look quite a fool!""
"
"you've enlarged but benign prostate tissue?
listen guys, here's a wish that i wish you;
to be strong, not a wimp.
to man up, not be limp.
electrocautery's no burning issue!
"
"an epode's the word we've bestowed
on the third classic part of an ode.
its neat couplets will sport
first a long line, then short.
'twas the greeks who invented this mode.
"
"intriguing to contemplate, this is:
the small discocephali fishes
live by suckers attached
to their hosts, on them latched,
and must therefore comply with their wishes.
"
"where some recompense needs to be made
for bad conduct, and warning conveyed,
this often will presage
a stern public message:
exemplary damages paid.
"
"a tenant of land for some years,
or for life, needn't shed any tears
when wood he requires,
say for fences or fires:
estovers rights banish all fears.
"
"most sailors who drown, it is said,
go to davy jones' locker. the dead
who were lost out at sea
are most likely to be
down below, where the fishes are fed.
"
"leif the viking, in pain and in grief,
made complaint to old magnus, his chief;
""i'm just back from the war
and i find the clerk, thor,
off his census has just taken leif.""
"
"some ambitions of mine are to share
in the profits from rents in times square,
then to end work at noon,
and to walk on the moon.
are these castles of mine in the air?
"
"the village of amberley looks
just a picture. its setting, wild brooks,
with its cottages, thatched,
has a prettiness matched
by its mention in journals and books.
"
"""this limerick, the sort highly sought,
will eliminate nothing,"" i thought.
i will ****** insist
not a **** word is missed.
it will be of the **** lacking nought.
"
"i've just bought a new tool for my bench,
of top quality, made by the french.
it's for places, one finds,
where inferior kinds
work less well than this brace type of wrench.
"
"wild alaska's a state that's remote.
with its scenery worthy of note,
those who solitude seek,
where it's cold and it's bleak,
to reside there are likely to vote.
"
"i have recently reached the conclusion
that limerick writing's a fusion
of some inspiration,
complete dedication,
but genius? no, self-delusion!
"
"if in wood you should need a clean groove
of which carpenters might well approve,
a new dado plane will
this requirement fulfill,
and you'll find will all problems remove.
"
"when the life of a man is renowned, you
may find his achievements astound you.
let his epitaph speak;
here is one: if you seek
his monument just look around you.
"
"billy bunter, just one of a kind,
as a glutton at school, was maligned.
since his parents weren't sending
provisions unending
he pinched his pals' tuck ? robbed 'em blind.
"
"dear, our love is a real heady brew:
a euphoria shared by us two.
and so, as we agree,
it's 'euphoria me'
and, for ever, 'mephoria you'!
"
"he's an expert? i'd llke to propose
an improved definition. it goes:
if to x?""the unknown,""
you add spurt?please don't groan,
we have ""drip under pressure."" it shows!
"
"there's a way which is used to complete
a gable-end wall. it's quite neat.
the profile compares
to a short flight of stairs.
it's the crow step. (but not meant for feet!)
"
"an episcopal church is designed
with diocesan bishops enshrined.
each a spiritual father,
or some call them, rather,
god's generous gift to mankind.
"
"mephistopheles didn't use tact
in his dealings with faust whose soul, racked
by the prospect of hell,
was condemned there to dwell;
the result of their faustian pact.
"
"if you're known as a criminal guy
to 'the feds' ? say, a fraudster or spy ?
they'll be soon on your tail,
track you down without fail.
that's the job of the states' fbi.
"
"add demi to semi then quaver:
you've a note which is too short to savour.
thirty-two build the strength
of a semibreve's length.
they give music a fast happy flavour.
"
"in england, when monarchs are crowned,
the earl marshal will always be found.
his role serves the nation:
the organisation
of such state occasions renowned.
"
"my dear cat loves his meat and his fish,
and i think that if he had his wish,
it would be, on one plate,
let's say, whiskas and skate:
for my kitty a real tasty dish.
"
"said my lover, the one i adore,
""your old limericks, dear, are a bore.
if you want to impress,
you should write, i profess,
a brand new one i've not heard before!""
"
"when the sun appears straight overhead
at our planet's equator, it's said
that the climate may form
a severe gale or storm.
equinoctial defines when it's fed.
"
"the pronoun (disjunctive) some say
may stand on its own any day.
some grammarians hold
that's ok, they're so bold,
but then me? i just don't talk that way!
"
"an erg is a unit of work,
and work is what no one should shirk.
erg also means bands
of slow shifting sands;
the sahara is where these will lurk.
"
"most economists give this advice:
try to quote a competitive price.
where supply is real high,
folks will buy if you ply
them with goods when the price is real nice.
"
"old doggerel writers don't die.
though my limericks make people sigh,
the oedilf's been my home.
now i'm longing to roam
and to meter nice rhyme in the sky.
"
"dog's bollocks? that sounds rather crude
to my ears, and i'm really no prude;
take a look though, you'll see,
in the great oed
it's defined ""colon-dash"" ? that's not rude!
"
"of engines with cylinders, find
in the steam locomotive one kind.
it effects the translation
to drive wheel gyration
of linear force ? well designed.
"
"an observer sees, sooner or later,
as the sun moves above the equator,
a rare moment sublime.
it's the equinox time,
twice a year ? thus decreed  the creator.
"
"long ago if a man went astray
by ending his own life this way?
as a suicide act,
it's recorded as fact
he'd be known as a felo-de-se.
"
"what is feminine? sugar and spice
and all other things gentle and nice.
whereas slugs, and yes snails,
even puppy dog's tails.
they are masculine. trust my advice!
"
"the village of cuckfield is known
as the place where a dinosaur bone
once turned up in a quarry.
the locals weren't sorry;
it gave them a fame all their own.
"
"some folks down the street have a cat
whose behaviour has caused quite a spat.
loving cats though, i'm loyal,
and never embroil
myself in debate, so that's that.
"
"the elohim was one of god's names,
so the pentateuch proudly proclaims.
that's the place where one looks,
the first five o.t. books,
for the israelites' story and aims.
"
"in the old mississippi's domain,
one might hear the words by the mark twain.
it meant ""safe to sail through"",
and in literature too,
samuel clemens would use it again.
"
"the long scarf with the name feather boa,
made of feathers or fur, would hang lower
i'd have thought, than the sort,
rather short, i disport
in, and bought at a port in samoa.
"
"an electrochemical cell
has two methods of functioning well:
by a set of known laws
current flows from / may cause
a chemical change. ring a bell?
"
"i enjoy all the fun of the fair,
every side show and ride they have there,
but the ferris wheel scare
as i spin through the air
is the best. take a seat, if you dare!
"
"all schoolboys can tell of isaiah
(who sang in his local church choir),
but brother elijah
(who sailed up the niger),
less known, was himself a high-flyer.

using names of the prophets this way
is a bit of a cheek, one might say,
but those bros from my town
have such fame and renown
they're remembered in song to this day!
"
"""before one proceeds, it is wise
to attempt to conceptualise
all the evidence found
in your search of the ground.""
(police manual ? page twenty applies.)
"
"world war ii left its mark upon all
those in europe. at last came the fall
with great celebration
of that demarcation?
the brooding and grim berlin wall.
"
"sherlock holmes was asked how could it be
he had solved a crime quickly. said he,
""just observe the man's face.
it's a poisoning case.
alimentary, dear watson, you see.""
"
"egg-and-anchor, or -dart, even -tongue,
are design shapes of mouldings. among
them some half-eggs are seen
with some others between.
on fine woodwork as d?cor they're hung.
"
"face masks vary in kind, and could be
worn by divers when under the sea,
or a surgeon could choose one
or footballer use one
as well?face protection, all three.
"
"evildoing is given expression
in the church's old rite of confession.
with moral laws broken,
or blasphemy spoken,
it's best to admit such transgression.
"
"the convolvulus, second to none,
climbs widdershins, seeking the sun;
but the honeysuckles stray
in the opposite way,
climbing clockwise. their shadows are fun!
"
"contemperation: old word for the act
of tempering. yes, but the fact
is, since then we've arranged
that its meaning has changed
to ""proportionate mix,"" quite exact.
"
"once, a digital linear tape
(a black box of rectangular shape)
stored your data?a clever
arrangement to never
get into an info loss scrape.
"
"he's dyslexic (sees words in a fog),
lies awake (used to sleep like a log)
with insomnia, plus
he's agnostic and thus
gets no sleep thinking, ""is there a dog?""
"
"said my dad, ""we must learn, as we grow,
the complete facts of life, son, and so,
the time's come for a chat.""
i said, ""i'm up for that;
so, dad, what are you wanting to know?""
"
"in episcopal churches we see
holy orders in ranks numbered three.
there bishops, priests, deacons,
were spiritual beacons
(recorded within the nt).
"
"external combustion's one source
giving fast locomotion its force.
fossil fuel heat's applied
to a boiler, inside
filled with water. (so exit the horse!)

in internal combustion we find
explosion of fuel designed.
developed much later
its power is greater.
of these two engine types the best kind.
"
"as the rest of this limerick shows,
out of nothing its content arose.
though some think it's a shame,
ex nihilo it came,
and so back into nothing it goes.
"
"though all campers grow old by and by,
most love camping too much to just die.
so, equipped to the max,
they are soon making tracks
for that camper van park in the sky.
"
"they may aim at a place in the sky
but old archers, it's said, never die.
they just sit there and quiver
and sometimes may give a
long bow to concerned passers-by.
"
"apiculturists seldom just die.
when the grim reaper calls, they reply:
""don't be funny, it's sunny
and honey makes money.
just buzz off yourself, bearded guy!""
"
"empire builders we're wont to decry,
for they think that their empires won't die,
but all conquests they've made
are predestined to fade.
like old soldiers all pass, by and by.
"
"if you're sitting there wondering why
old bowlers, it's said, never die,
it is clear, beyond doubt,
they have just skittled out
to that great bowling lane in the sky.
"
"any swarm of bees constantly fed
maraschino juice may look quite red.
changed by this pigmentation
(a strange aberration),
they're erythrochroic, it's said.
"
"in great britain, where everyone strives
against stressful or difficult lives,
you are likely to see
lots of drinking of tea.
it's our wonderful cup that revives.
"
"is dioptrics a science? that's right,
for it studies refraction of light.
but catoptrics' concern
is reflection, we learn;
useful knowledge for keeping in sight.
"
"my dear wife tells me i'm on the border
of needing the care of a warder.
the collector in me
is real close, i agree,
to obsessive-compulsive dis-hoarder.
"
"i keep counterfoils, often, from dates
or from cinema nights w' me mates.
i've collected for years
these no-cost souvenirs.
(they're called ticket stubs there in the states.)
"
"a good limerick should have five neat lines,
but to send me to write one defines
a fool's errand my friend.
you'd be mad to depend
on
"
"though embalmment's for some, my advice is:
don't expect, after death, that the prices
of the fluid to inject
will go down. i suspect
that for most a wood coffin suffices.
"
"if you're seeking to learn, or to know,
the state of a metal on show,
there's no need to feel vexed:
docimology text
will aid you wherever you go.
"
"not a saxophone, trumpet, or bugle,
but a horn; note, its short prefix, flugel,
translates wing, also flank,
from the german. still blank?
read the note below, no need to google.
"
"d-day landings begin, it's day one:
tommy atkins holds tightly his gun,
checks the barrel and breach
and then, onto the beach,
as the battle fog darkens the sun.
"
"north of london, the bletchley park acres
became home to the movers and shakers
who, throughout a long war,
would great victories score.
and their name? the enigma code breakers.
"
"lines from ""swedish made simple"", don't vex
ronnie corbett: ""f.u.n.e.x?""
ronnie barker next: ""s.
v.f.x."" so i guess
there's much more to the swedish than sex!
"
"cybercrime is a global event;
to prevent it big money is spent.
but patrolling the net
hasn't ended it yet;
on attacking, the hackers are bent.
"
"enamelware's formed when you take
glass and metal, and with the two make
a layered mixture hot,
and then form as a pot
or a pan used to fry, boil, or bake.
"
"new bridgework the means will provide
to cross a ravine side to side
and also, where teeth
are decayed underneath,
then new bridgework's the cure ? open wide!
"
"this continent might just amaze ya
but don't let its name somehow faze ya.
size, second to none,
geographically one,
it's the land mass we know as eurasia.
"
"doc martin, the blood phobia doc,
fled to cornwall to care for a flock.
there his sour grumpy ways
didn't gain him much praise.
he was colder than ice in a block.
"
"the winter's returned, it's a pain,
and my home's losing heat once again.
double glazing, i'm told,
will keep out the cold
and soften the noise of the rain.
"
"to befuddle old paddy, be quick
to confuse him by playing this trick:
place two spades 'gainst a wall,
then holler this call
to that irishman, ""go, take your pick.""
"
"you care for your lover a lot,
and to earn her affection you plot,
but brownie points won
tend to set with the sun
and at midnight expire on the dot.
"
"as a golf commentator of note,
peter alliss won many a vote,
although some of us found
to go playing a round
with alliss would not float our boat!
"
"a rhetorical strong declamation,
or a clear and precise explanation,
without doubt will contain
a strong ecphasis strain.
that's ""explicit direct declaration"".
"
"the jews, who once lacked a true home,
had seemed fated to wander and roam.
the balfour declaration
would solve for that nation
its heartfelt desire. shalom!
"
"in erastianism we see
this suggestion (not quite a decree):
""the state is supreme.""
thus the church, it would seem,
must defer; that's the way things should be.
"
"i live all alone; i'm an ""ex.""
my attention would wander in sex.
""super ... (yawn) ... alidocious!""
i'd moan. it's atrocious
to do so. the sex it just wrecks.
"
"in old churches keen ringers take part
in the long practised change-ringing art.
there old bells are well swung
and long peals are well rung.
why not come, take a rope, make a start?
"
"all old mariners needing to steer
in the eye of the wind would feel fear.
even stout hearts would quail
in the teeth of a gale.
all would pray that the cruel wind would veer.
"
"my fatalism means i've a view
that things happen despite what i do.
for instance, a trend
that my limericks don't end,
"
"evulgation's not nowadays heard.
it was used, in the past, as the word
for when something unknown
became publically shown;
a new status upon it conferred.
"
"when one studies the world of the arts,
of which carving and sculpture form parts,
then the phrase chalk and cheese
might apply well to these,
though their presence in life warms our hearts.
"
"in medicine some make their goal
understanding the bladder's control,
so they choose to apply
to its insides a dye.
this is cystochromoscopy's role.
"
"public bodies should know it's our right
to have nothing concealed from the light.
we the public may see
information for free.
keep the foia well in sight.
"
"duplication will answer the need
for identical printouts to read,
or those times when it's nice
to supply something twice,
like a letter, a contract, or deed.
"
"known as epaminondas, a greek,
this great man was considered unique.
breaking sparta's old powers
was his finest of hours,
such that thebes was no longer called weak.
"
"in england one can't say precocious
of our press, but they're often ferocious,
like this twisting linguistic:
""super caley go ballistic"",
(plus) ""celtic are"" (really) ""atrocious""!
"
"in a cybercaf?, with a friend,
you can down a hot drink, but the trend
is to surf on the net
when you go there. you'll get
rather more than a nice coffee blend.
"
"sore corneal ulcers in eyes
of some humans and pets may arise,
so, to cure your sick pet
with this problem, a vet
will provide any treatment that's wise.
"
"should an embolus form, it is wise
to seek medical help. a block lies
in an artery, vein?
in a limb or the brain.
it can often be fatal?one dies!
"
"like the tap-dancing feet of astaire,
your homegoing feet, i declare,
will have taken to wings
when a nightingale sings,
as the song says, in old berkeley square.
"
"as a graphical representation
of a substance's state transformation,
the cooling curve line
is one way we define
how it moves to its new designation.
"
"it is useless, you know, to pretend
that the damage is going to mend,
for this lovely old chair
is beyond all repair.
you are flogging a dead horse, my friend!
"
"the enterprise value (ev)
of a business is stated to be
the total sum claimed
by all of the named
security holders. you see?
"
"as they study the brain, doctors try
to assess where its blood flow may lie.
an image is seen
on a printout or screen.
the method's called fmri.
"
"at the house of the film star, clark gable,
i fell head over heels for young mabel.
we both clicked straight away,
quite flirtatious our play:
footsie games during dinner at table.
"
"i was doubting dad's nautical past.
said, ""i bet you jumped ship pretty fast.""
he said, ""less of your lip,
i was on that there ship
fifteen years before the mast!""
"
"the nuts from mature cohune palms
provide oil for a product that calms.
it's included in soaps
which the soap-maker hopes
are essential as one of life's balms.
"
"with top buttons undone on her shirt,
and young breasts most appealingly pert,
she is giving the eye
to the guys passing by.
you could say she's a bit of a flirt.
"
"a ship's foresail is one of a few
different sails which are used by the crew
of a vessel defined
as square rigged. it's designed
to be set on the foremast. stand to!
"
"stating thermodynamics' first law
at some length would most probably bore.
""heat is work, work is heat""
is a summary, neat.
take a college course should you need more.
"
"in the civilisation cycladic
the people were far from nomadic.
for a thousand years plus
they remained, without fuss,
in a style that was hardly sporadic.
"
"cyberfeminism studies and checks
social constructs, like gender and sex,
whilst desiring a new
true utopian view,
and its feminist muscles to flex.
"
"in the human, when life is first framed,
the process by which it's proclaimed
that man's seed has been sown
and a foetus has grown
is as embryogenesis named.
"
"nineteen-eighty: we saw the retreat
from the neat london street, by name fleet,
of the hqs, no less,
of our national press
to canary wharf. wow, what a feat!
"
"when a parliament acts to thus cause
the creation of statutes, or laws,
an enacting clause starts
their constituent parts
stating whence their authority draws.
"
"a village in sussex, by name
fairlight cove, has a strange claim to fame.
it's gradually shrinking.
the reason? i'm thinking
coast erosion's the name of the game.
"
"""thanksgiving plus four""?cyber monday,
which in practice is hardly a fun day,
is the day when the shops
give their prices ""the drops.""
it's a bargains-are-made-on-the-run day.
"
"when the jews through the wilderness went
their rough shelter was often a tent.
in a festival mode
they recall this abode.
feast of tabernacles names the event.
"
"for equipoise, search and you'll find
definitions of more than one kind:
a dictionary source
talks of album, drug, horse,
and the balancing function of mind.
"
"the word firmware sounds strange and you might
think its meaning is, ""clothes that fit tight.""
you'd be wrong though; to start
a computer, its heart,
must contain some to make it go right.
"
"old formosa (taiwan today named)
has for years been debated, and famed
for desiring to be
kept from china quite free.
many think that it shouldn't be blamed.
"
"learn biology terms? what a grind!
but a useful example to mind
is in flower buds growing
or animals slowing.
?stivation explained and defined.
"
"if on buying a home you are bent
and you wish to confirm your intent,
then a quick earnest payment
with no real delay meant
will show you're a trustworthy gent.
"
"in our life one from time to time sees
that a constantly present disease
will affect all around
in a manner profound.
it's endemic, and no-one's at ease.
"
"some builders today, as we know,
can be seen wearing trousers too low.
builder's cleavage, they say,
may describe this display.
so complain? no, just go with the flow!
"
"my young son tried a joke out on me:
""in the lounge, if it's british you be,
what are you in the loo?""
i said, ""what?"" he said, ""eu-
ropean, dad,"" giggling with glee.
"
"when some folks, with one purpose, feel free
to diverge from the group view, we'll see
them pursue different aims
or political claims.
thus a faction has formed. q.e.d.
"
"a nice college boy wanted to date a
post grad, but was tied to his mater.
said the woman, ""it's sad,
you've a complex, real bad!
i'm afreud you're too jung, come back later.""
"
"when appraising a student, the task
is to offer support, not to bask
in one's status or knowledge.
professors in college
shouldn't wear an i-know-it-all mask.
"
"east hoathly with halland are fair
sussex villages known as a pair.
the progressive rock band
with the genesis brand
was begun by its founder born there.
"
"strong man samson, to god a good bloke,
fell asleep; then, before he awoke,
his girlfriend, delilah,
aspiring hair-styler,
arranged for his head shave ? no joke!
"
"""do this in remembrance of me,""
said our lord to his followers. he
shared the bread and the wine.
this, today, we define
as the eucharist, christians agree.
"
"cup of trembling, as given to eve?
in isaiah, we note, we'll receive
the forgiveness of god.
thus we see a harsh rod
is removed from mankind. just believe!
"
"one finds creole-fish widely, they're prone
to love reefs and the ocean's deep zone.
as one of the groupers,
this great little trouper's
as paranthias furcifer known.
"
"if shopping is something you like,
but you'd rather not go on your bike,
just log onto and trawl
through a cybermall stall;
it's far better than taking a hike.
"
"an advantage an arrow obtains,
by addition of fins or of vanes,
is they stabilise flight
as it arcs out of sight.
from this fletching, performance it gains.
"
"make egg noodle?why not have a go?
water, flour, salt and eggs make your dough.
now knead it and roll it.
then boil and cajole it.
don't struggle ? just go with the flow!
"
"whilst to atheist ears father god
may be words which will sound rather odd,
like, the spirit and son
with the father are one,
many christians believe and just nod.
"
"in reflection, an object, we find,
may be twinned, of identical kind;
but you're needing to know
that when that isn't so
they're enantiomorphously designed.
"
"my sweet memories of dear molly windley
still come back to me now, although dimly.
though at school, really nice,
she had one gripping vice:
sad to say she would ""smoke like a chimley!""
"
"the evenks, or evenki, reside
up in asia's north country. a guide
says that many abound
in mongolia, found
both in russia and china beside.
"
"once, no scientist, even a wise 'un,
thought the angle between earth's horizon
and its field, termed magnetic,
at all sympathetic.
quite frankly, they found it surprisin'.
"
"foretelling's defined as the art
of predicting the end at the start.
an example: the knowledge
i had during college?
my girlfriend would soon break my heart.
"
"our skin's often open to change
and can have an appearance quite strange.
many states suffixed -dermatous
make people squirm at us.
(humans, though, don't suffer mange.)
"
"young adam was living alone,
so, when chatting to god, had a moan.
""i'm so lonely,"" he said.
""i have no one to wed!""
and so god made him eve, bone from bone.
"
"i shot family films, when a lad,
on a great birthday gift from my dad.
now they sadden him so,
and his spirits are low.
his depressive disorder's real bad.
"
"""dorsiventral describes well this feature
of an organ, or sometimes a creature:
different surfaces, so?
one above, one below.""
(i just quote my zoology teacher.)
"
"these great comics would tease something rotten.
all agreed that their humour was spot on.
now bluebottle's goon,
also eccles', too soon,
have both gone. but they're goon, not forgotten!
"
"a young consul in old kathmandu
was appointed with work to pursue;
first a document came,
exequatur by name?
this was formal permission put through.
"
"a child may be sometimes attacked
in the gastrointestinal tract.
the culprit that's named
echovirus is blamed.
the child sometimes dies ? that's a fact.
"
"horse's mane where it grows 'twixt his ears,
or the seat where a cart driver steers,
a platform made fast
to a sailing ship's mast;
yes, a foretop's all these, it appears.
"
"where a new folding door's put in place,
you've a wonderful saving of space.
it folds back in sections
and, lacking projections,
may give to a room certain grace.
"
"business managers don't ever die.
though they sometimes may break down and cry
from problems not shrinking,
with good blue-sky thinking
they flap all their flipcharts and fly!
"
"exergonic means energy's flowing
in an outward direction. it's going
away from its source;
but if inward, of course,
endergonic's the process it's showing.
"
"most old doctors prefer not to die.
losing patience, they choose, by and by,
to prescribe themselves ointments
and then make appointments
for waiting rooms up in the sky.
"
"in the leg lies the femoral vein.
from anatomy knowledge that's plain.
in our studies we learn
that it's used to return
the blood to the heart once again.
"
"you may look at the architect's plan,
or examine the walls, if you can;
but the foundation stone
will have shown, or is known
to record, when a building began.
"
"the example, my girlfriend just wrote,
of a disobligatory note
says this: ""i intend
to bring to an end
our engagement."" it sticks in my throat!
"
"some words, worth renewed repetition,
may be found in a great composition:
dancing daffodils, they,
(by a lake, as they sway)?
 worthy wordsworth's words, worth new rendition.
"
"they say scientists now have the means,
and that kids learn, as well, in their teens,
to discern, without fail,
who is female, who male.
it's so easy, they take down their genes.
"
"the science of caring for trees
is forestry. in it one sees
that the future of earth
may depend on the worth
we attach to them. study it?please!
"
"the old vet said, ""your cat's in a trance?
catatonic. it's clear from a glance,
but do cheer up, dear matt,
for i'll simply give that
cat a tonic, its health to enhance.""
"
"so, the us has sent us black friday!
a killed-in-the-crush, do-or-die day?
the stores make a killing
from those who are willing
to face what's for some a cheap-buy day.
"
"that first christmas, an anticipation
was fulfilled with great praise and elation
when emmanuel came,
the lord jesus his name:
""god with us,"" our joy and salvation.
"
"a small town in sussex, by name
bognor regis, achieved certain fame
when a king came to stay.
it's called royal to this day
though some claim that its fame is quite tame!
"
"canon edwards, we're told, quite unwell,
fell from grace led by demons from hell.
then the dean, also told,
fired the canon. behold?
the old verger, when told, tolled the bell.
"
"i'd been sitting indoors all the day
and had something i wanted to say.
emparlance i needed
and therefore proceeded
to join in an evening soiree.
"
"old delinquents, you know, never die;
since they feel normal rules don't apply,
on trouble they're bent.
in the end though they're sent
to that borstal way up in the sky.
"
"in traditional roofs, timber frames
have their parts known by various names.
a crown post's one part
of a truss. at its heart,
to support a short crown plate it aims.
"
"several  years ago (or a 'bit' more),
since i felt i could no more ignore
how computers were spreading,
i settled on heading
to cyberworld, there to explore!
"
"it appears that the word cybergeek
is slang usage for one who would seek
his whole life to define
by his presence online.
will he someday forget how to speak?
"
"when a theatre puts on a revue,
without doubt it's a fun thing to do.
known as follies, one kind
is the best you can find?
singing, dancing, and glam females too!
"
"said my girlfriend, ""it's nice that you flatter me,
but your endless attentions will shatter me.
thirty-six, twenty-four,
thirty-four you adore,
but i'm more than just curvy anatomy!""
"
"to promote british interests worldwide
that state's foreign office would guide
which direction they'd go,
called, for short, fco
since with commonwealth office allied.
"
"in a force pump the upstroke draws water,
then the downstroke expels it. i bought a
nice version they sell
in my town. it works well,
and just $599.25!
"
"a satellite stationed in space
may transmit to an earth station base.
information it sends,
to be useful, depends
on successful receipt at that place.
"
"a vault, well designed, sometimes can
in appearance resemble a fan.
fine ornamentations
adorn such creations?
a truly magnificent plan.
"
"i've a scientist friend, tony jones,
from one android he's made many clones.
their insides are tin
but removeable skin
means they often dance round in their bones.
"
"a faraday cage, also shield,
acts to block an electrical field.
thus current goes round,
but not through, it is found,
its metal mesh form. fact revealed!
"
"a society, people might say,
or a country, unique in some way,
may not need to conform
to the general norm?
an exceptionalism display.
"
"to define balanced prime, folks, you know,
take both next prime above and below.
if their average you see
is the prime's equal, we
have achieved our intent ? there you go!
"
"imagine this, folks, if you're able:
the crust of the earth is unstable.
thus the continents all
sometimes rise, sometimes fall,
with an epeirogenesis label.
"
"the essenes were a small jewish sect
who were minded to try to effect
a communal life noted
for living devoted
to values they wished to reflect.
"
"a time, institution, or place
may sometimes be able to trace
the source of it's name
to achievements or fame
of an eponym ? one they embrace.
"
"the great joy of an old bradshaw's guide
was, therein, bradshaw chose to confide
all one needed to know
if one wanted to go
on our railway trains far and wide.
"
"the commandments of god numbered ten.
they were given to moses, who then
passed them on to the jews
with the words, ""don't refuse
to obey them, he loves you."" amen.

some jews though, who thought they knew best,
decided, despite god's behest,
that an idol of gold
would be good to behold;
but then moses raged, ""god does not jest!""

there's a lesson in this for today,
so remember what god had to say?
quote: ""have no gods but me.""
modern idols, you see,
are ungodly. they lead us astray.
"
"the old gardeners, the textbooks agree,
on their compost would frequently pee.
this gave great growing power
to a shrub, tree, or flower;
but it's never appealed much to me!
"
"ancient greece, for important debates,
used to send, from constituent states,
to a congress, some men
called amphictyons, then
they'd return and report to their mates.
"
"there's a toe curling reflex we meet
when scraping the soles of the feet
shown by joseph babinski,
but ms. m. lewinsky
curled toes with caresses more sweet!
"
"all those 'trekkies' among you will know
that a force field was thought to bestow
strong protection astounding.
now, science expounding,
that view we are forced to forgo.
"
"on a cruise through the alderney race
a yacht skipper could maybe lose face.
it's a fact, when he steers
towards jersey, he fears
that his passage could end in disgrace.

there the tide can approach some twelve knots,
with some terribly dangerous spots
in which eddies are found
which can whip you around.
it's the graveyard of many fine yachts!
"
"in the '60s, as history states,
voted up with the motoring 'greats'
built by jaguar cars
known as one of their stars
was the e-type. (desired by my mates).
"
"i have tried, but i can't understand
why some fox hunting folk think it grand
that a fox should be slaughtered.
the uk's now altered
the law. there most blood sports are banned.
"
"this request passed with just a quick glance?
""reinforcements, we're going to advance!""
by the time it got through
it said, ""send (from hq)
""three and four-pence, we're going to a dance!""
"
"the uk's annual children in need
is a tv appeal. there great heed
is well paid, on that night,
to all poor childrens' plight?
thus to educate, care for, and feed.
"
"the main sewer connects to our town,
so, this edict won't cause us to frown:
""unless it's uncrushable
all else is flushable.
yes, if it's brown, flush it down"".
"
"in cardinal richelieu one sees,
with church and state, someone at ease;
p?re joseph, a friar
who wore grey attire,
was known as his ?minence grise.
"
"where a flatline appears on the screen
this is generally taken to mean
that no input's occurring,
from which we're inferring
the patient is dead, a ""has been"".
"
"i had recently bought for my daughter
a nice aircraft, so quickly i taught her:
""it's a flying boat, note,
which implies it can float.
don't try landing on land, only water!""
"
"a food pyramid works, you may know,
by maintaining the strict status quo.
every member, with zeal,
in his search for a meal,
needs to prey on the one next below.
"
"if electrical current alone
makes a musical instrument's tone,
then it's classed and proclaimed
an electrophone, named
in a hornbostel-sachs special zone.
"
"a great asset to buy or to sell
is the place where you live or you dwell.
there's deep peace in your own
private dwelling house zone
as all those who have been there will tell.
"
"the fund comic relief, in uk,
supports famine relief. red nose day
just might lead you to think
a red nose means we drink.
no, they're worn just for fun, and they pay!
"
"if you're searching for fornice defined
keep an arch shape quite clearly in mind.
it's a place in your brain,
and, the text books maintain,
any structure that's been so designed.
"
"my tailor, i think to impress,
asked me, ""sir, on which side do you dress?""
i jokingly said,
""on my side of the bed,
for the rest you will just have to guess!""
"
"one agency of the un
is its fao. women and men
from time to time meet
there. they hope to defeat
world problems of hunger, but when?
"
"31st of december?all fear's
now a thing of the past. my new year's
resolutions hold sway.
forward-looking, i say
""bring it on, let's embrace new ideas!"".
"
"""a collision's about to befall,
change your course for i'm large and you're small"".
the receiver just sighed,
and then simply replied
with a curt, ""i'm a lighthouse, your call!""
"
"if you wish to recover a debt
there is certainly no need to fret.
in law to distrain
is the way to regain
what you're owed if you've not been paid yet.
"
"the art which describes, or expounds,
the length, or duration, of sounds
is echometry named?
like the art that is aimed
at producing high echo surrounds.
"
"fibrosis may form where a tear
or a cut or a bruise needs repair.
at the site, or around,
fibrous tissue is found.
which at times may need surgical care.
"
"argentinians felt they'd a claim
to those islands, the falklands, by name.
but the british resisted
in strength, and insisted
that sovereignty wasn't a game.
"
"a real ethnocentric world view
means your outlook on life's based on you.
while you don't hold a grudge,
you are likely to judge
other cultures by what you would do.
"
"if described as dysgenic, it means
you have negative traits in your genes;
whilst the positive kind,
as eugenic defined,
are improving of man's social scenes.
"
"oh, i do love a good shakespeare play.
""what's the reason?"" i hear someone say.
well, the prologue portends
what the epilogue ends.
what an artist to write in this way!
"
"there's a sculptured design or motif
with this characteristic in chief:
you'll note, on inspection,
its partial projection.
that's half-, also demi-relief.
"
"god's advice sent to punters each day
to assist them in lottery play:
""if you don't buy a ticket,
it's really not cricket.
if you play, you must pay, not just pray!""
"
"my friend's a renowned ph.d.
on the staff of the great lse.
teaching students his aim,
economics his game
(which is daily survival to me!)
"
"my thoughts can be muddled, i fear,
extrinsic to what's written here.
line five, for example,
is quite a good sample:
i do love a nice pint of beer!
"
"danehill is well up with the best
sussex villages, but here's a test:
a geographer's sign,
the meridian line,
passes through it and so east or west?
"
"n. s. fletcher (his friends called him ""fletch""),
a recidivist criminal wretch,
at her majesty's pleasure
did porridge at leisure,
inside for a very long stretch.
"
"it's a hardship, but hardly calamitous
that spammers keep sending their spamitous ?
not nearly as dire
as to age, then retire,
and have kids start to say sir and ma'amitous.
"
"pledged the prurient pamela pruitt:
""i promise there ain't nothin' to it!
a well-practiced pout
will dispel every doubt,
and the dudes will decidedly do it.""
"
"there once were two words, unrelated,
that nobody dreamed could be mated;
but it's clear to us now,
thanks to extract of cow,
that a beef and tea union was fated.
"
"it seemed at the time unbelievable,
and rodin alone thought it achievable.
""he must be a drinker,""
considered the thinker,
""for thinking me thinking  conceivable.""
"
"the stickballers steady their stickbats
and mimic the manner the mick bats,
while the wags make it known
that the mick stands alone
by bombarding the batters with brickbats.
"
"a nearsighted fellow went skiing
who nobody lately's been seeing.
existing, on skis,
at the sufferance of trees,
he's suspected of no longer being.
"
"dear non troppo, the latest cantata
must be sung with a hell of a lotta
emotion on stage,
so please stay off the page.
yours sincerely, appassionata.
"
"volume four of vignettes of the gory
ran an allegoristic short story
containing a moral:
small children who quarrel
with lions won't live to be sorry.
"
"it can take a long time to unfurl
all the reasons earl's fallen for pearl.
what's the final determinant?
pearl's stylish new permanent ?
since earl loves a girl with a curl.
"
"as low-cut liv practiced her pivot,
a golfer tripped over a divot ?
a decided dommage,
but the d?colletage
of her polo dress really does rivet.
"
"husband john's slipping into decline:
half a man hooked on cheap home-made wine.
i've become rather bored
with the guy, once adored?
that demijohn husband of mine.
"
"to struggle with language i'm fated
(american english). frustrated?
upset? yes, unvented;
i'm disoriented,
or am i disorientated?
"
"sent on shore leave at last, he got boozy.
as to women, not feeling too choosy,
quite soon, without thinking,
he followed his drinking
by seeking a young dockside floozy.
"
"any surgeon who works with precision,
but is troubled by chronic blurred vision,
can no longer evade
some dioptrical aid,
and he'll soon have to make a decision.
"
"playing basketball? folks, you should know,
should you foul your opponents, then joe,
could step up, full of pride,
and then score for his side
when awarded what's called a free throw.
"
"the baraitot are sacred to jews.
they are word-of-mouth laws, being views
on the way to live life.
peace with god, free from strife,
should result, so let no one refuse.
"
"i've decided it truly suits me
to be most altruistic. i'm free
in the way i take pleasure
from giving at leisure.
i'm thus hedonistic too, see?
"
"sunday afternoons ? guess where i'll be?
playing cricket 'til well after tea.
""the elysiums"" we're named;
our team's locally famed.
an elysian fielder, that's me!
"
"a shoplifting shopper was stopped
when, from out of an aisle, a cop hopped.
said the cop, ""mate, your plight's
that you're caught dead to rights.""
said the shopper, ""well guv', i'm fair copped!""
"
"nothing left in your monetary vault?
loan agreement now deep in default?
then the end of your dreams
is foreclosure, it seems,
if repayments have come to a halt.
"
"though the year of 1492
may mean little or nothing to you,
clever schoolkids relate
the import of this date?
for columbus the ocean was blue!
"
"the fee simple: an interest in land.
with your ownership deeds in your hand,
you can see that your fee
(once called fief) is now free
from all duties to overlords. grand!
"
"a cybercop has a large beat,
much wider than cops on the street.
he patrols on the net
to detect any threat
posed by cybercrime gangsters he'll meet.
"
"my nice garden is missing the gnome,
which i purchased to grace my new home.
i have fossicked to where
i'm in utter despair.
oh, just what could have caused it to roam?
"
"we define equinoctial year
as the time our terrestrial sphere
takes to orbit the sun
on its annual run,
timed from spring to spring equinox. clear?
"
"it was opening night of the show,
and the cast were all ready to go,
as the foh men
were about, once again,
to turn all the house lights down low.
"
"if it's bearable though quite unpleasant,
it's endurable now, in the present,
like our life on this earth,
or the pain giving birth,
or the taste of an over-hung pheasant.
"
"the frenchman maurice chevalier
used to brighten the dreariest day:
a lifestyle enhancer,
loved singer, and dancer
in theatre, film, cabaret.
"
"the tale of ""the emperor's new clothes""
weaves a story that everyone knows.
he was sold clothes to wear
but in fact none were there ?
he was tricked, but hey, that's how life goes!
"
"a summary quite often brings
the sense of the ending of things;
but please do bear in mind
that we quite often find
it 'aint over 'til the fat lady sings.
"
"androgynous ariel broods,
""i'm not sorry i posed for those nudes ?
but the fact they're not frontal meant
widespread disgruntlement
both in the dames and the dudes.""
"
"the producers who drape nubile nellie in
a diaphanous dress on the telly in
a ratings war veer
(with gall equally sheer)
toward the overly machiavellian.
"
"church and state? i'm for separatism.
polysyllables?  minimalism.
thus it comes as a blow
that i have to be pro
disestablishmentarianism.
"
"the ancient greek god dionysus
has a 21st-century crisis:
as he pimps sex and booze,
he must urge that you use
moderation at modern-day prices.
"
"hanging low in a sunny june sky,
the moon gives the daytime a try.
though it digs the diurnal,
its third-degree burn'll
ensure no return in july.
"
"a skeptic is spending infinity
exploring the general vicinity
of heaven above
as a labor of love:
""it's divine to divine no divinity!""
"
"a dad on a summertime trek shuns
suggestions he ask for directions;
so he drives round all day
till he loses his way
and what's left of his family's affections.
"
"i believe, but don't call me a mystic.
toward god, my position's deistic?
he launched our affairs
but won't answer our prayers.
when i say so, my mom goes ballistic.
"
"an android from east yokohama
caused eerily humanlike drama
by claiming a segway
(in a non-sperm-and-egg way)
was his abiological mama.
"
"a desktop with icons galore
can't imagine whatever they're for,
and it's cursing the cursor
for making things worser
by dragging and dropping scores more.
"
"if you wish to state clearly the rules
then you'll need to employ helpful tools.
some formalisation
will aid that vocation
in government, business, or schools.
"
"at the moment, i'm sad to relate,
i feel fragile, not mentally great.
a disturbed frame of mind
has obsessed me, i find,
quite a strange psychological state.
"
"man-made monsters emerge from the mind
of the one who creates them we find.
baron frankenstein, named
in a novel, was famed
for the frightening fiend he designed.
"
"the llangollen canal boats float by
on an aqueduct, long, strong and high.
pontcysyllte it's named.
round the world it is famed.
that magnificent ""stream in the sky"".
"
"a dear friend, of his own daft volition,
tried to drive in an awkward position.
he sat on the wheel
but then sighed, ""oh, i feel
i've adopted a bum steer condition!""
"
"towns and cities have clear building codes
to describe occupational modes.
english basement employs
a design one enjoys
part above, part below, nearby roads.
"
"a fungible good is a kind
whose exchange may be made, you will find,
with another the same
not just only in name
but with all of its features aligned.
"
"when, just post nine-eleven, a rush
began, all global terror to crush,
extraordinary rendition
(at us volition)
expanded?at first kept 'hush hush'.
"
"playing bridge? feeling really astute?
learn this rule: if you can, follow suit.
and so, what is your aim?
you must follow the same?
spade, heart, diamond or club. no dispute!
"
"jorge mario bergoglio, pope,
2013 elected. all hope
he'll be loving and kind.
will the vatican find
him revisionist? god knows, there's scope!
"
"assuming you're not on the right,
the next bushian president might
annoy and/or rub ya
the wrong way, like dubya ?
pre-book your canadian flight.
"
"sunday's sermon, upon the ascension,
was, um ... thorough. suffice it to mention
that the blasphemous snored,
while the righteous prayed, ""lord,
we appeal for divine intervention.""
"
"a bookworm made clarification
of his mumbled, misheard declaration
to a gossip-starved crowd:
""yes, i'm certainly proud ?
of my textual orientation.""
"
"cried a churlish old chimp, with a curse,
""this damn jungle just keeps getting worse ?
it's a godless gomorrah
of fauna and flora!
oh, excuse me ? it's 'biodiverse'.""
"
"why attempt to define so laconically
what pianos can demonstrate sonically?
plunk a key that is white
then proceed left to right.
there! you're playing a scale diatonically.
"
"the aztecs and incas were shy a tribe,
since their summit excluded the maya tribe,
and now they are fearful
of getting an earful
via diatribe by a pariah tribe.
"
"what my ""word defined"" needs, to pass muster,
is an anapest-meter-adjuster.
so i'm trying herein
an amalgamative spin:
read it quickly, and syllable-cluster.
"
"as ""allahu akbar"" is chanted,
the fear in the street is transplanted
to iran's mullah state:
if indeed god is great,
it will cease taking power for granted.
"
"a dialectician from greece is
distressed that his work never ceases:
antitheses breed
with precipitous speed,
contradicting his thesis to pieces.
"
"a dilettante-type from manassas
is resisting demands from the masses
to generate art
that will heal the world's heart ?
she's happy just taking some classes.
"
"when you're sailing a dinghy or yacht,
and you're wanting to turn on the spot,
as the skipper you'll shout
to your crew, come about.
it's an order you use quite a lot.
"
"fontanelles are soft tissues, i've read,
which are part of a new baby's head.
they help ease the strain
on the skull and the brain
to which birth might have otherwise led.
"
"english-latin were classes i hated,
wherein my old teacher related;
""the phrase, veni, vidi,
together with, vici
is, spoken by you, overstated!""
"
"the islands we know as aleutian
are american mostly, some roo-sian.
two large nations thus care
for aleuts who live there?
it's a peaceable joint contribution.
"
"we are taught one and one equals two;
it's to most of us not really new.
and, excuse if i bore,
two plus two equals four?
correspondently easy to do.
"
"a clairvoyant complained, feeling glum,
""it's so cold on this pier, i feel numb.
there's heavy snow falling
in weather appalling.
wish i'd known?i would never have come!""
"
"learning ebstein's anomaly? start
by considering how, in the heart,
an unusual feature
(i quote my old teacher)
is seen?a displacement of part.
"
"one joseph of aramathea
of the romans, it seems, has no fear.
in his family tomb
he finds plenty of room
for the body of jesus, it's clear.
"
"the word florentine, seen at the start
of a sentence like ""florentine art ...""
lets us know, without doubt,
what its content's about?
at the city of florence's heart.
"
"i've been forced to sell, sadly, my boat
upon which i have tended to dote.
the emotion i feel
is esophageal?
yes, it gives me a lump in my throat!
"
"there's a poet who haunts amherst, mass,
who finds short form and slant rhyme a gas.
she churns out a ton of 'em,
but damned if a one of 'em
is in emily dickinson's class.
"
"as she furnished a fresh prophylactic
he demurred, ""dear, this may seem didactic,
but size s fits me best.""
i'm afraid that the rest
is predictably anticlimactic.
"
"over dishwater, dishwashers mull
whether punch bowls could fracture a skull,
and if sudsy wet ladles
could scoop babes from cradles.
(and dishwater's said to be dull?)
"
"recommended: a double martini,
should your beach bunny buy a burquini.
you may otherwise faint,
because itsy they ain't ?
nor bitsy nor teenie nor weenie.
"
"the schools, needing instrument loaners,
approach aboriginal donors,
who communally choose
to loan didgeridoos
to a new generation of droners.
"
"a saloon trades on public affairs
with election day voting upstairs,
but expects the electorate
to trek through expectorate
while the cuspidor's in for repairs.
"
"kurt adores her as much as can be,
but when kate makes her usual plea,
his emotions will bifurcate:
quite willing to die for kate /
unwilling to shave his goatee.
"
"every gesture of wanda mcwirtsy
gets interpreted somehow as flirtsy:
bending knees, bowing head,
she has badly misled
an excited old earl with her curtsy.
"
"in anglo-america's region,
the ties to great britain are legion
from nome to key largo ?
though maybe in fargo
the ties are a touch more norwegian.
"
"the desktop computers are jealous
that they can't hit the town with the fellas
whom the laptops entrance
with their hoochie-koo dance ?
to be followed by what, they won't tell us.
"
"for ease's and sanity's sakes,
be thankful for syllable breaks:
giving words some divis-
ibility is
what defining-by-limerick takes.
"
"as his oaths erupt hot and vesuvial,
it's unlikely that jolly or groovy'll
slip out as josh sloshes
without his galoshes
through weather that's gotten diluvial.
"
"said a hard-rockin', head-bangin' lady, ""oh,
what the hell is the matter with radio?
it's exceedingly odd
they don't play my rock god ?
why, they ought to bow down and obey dio.""
"
"""you must heed,"" mother pleads, ""my advice:
this dismissiveness comes at a price.
do not steer, daughter dear,
away cads with a sneer,
since their company, often,  is nice.""
"
"the limerick conspiracy's vast
and spreading incredibly fast.
we birds of a feather
are banding together
to pulverize poetry's past.
"
"said a just-about-had-it calcuttan:
""i suppose you must also put smut in
those limericks you plan
that will feature a man
from my town doing heaven knows what in.""
"
"said a man who was easy to diss,
""i concede that my breath smells like piss,
and it's true that my mama
has a face like a llama,
but too gracious?  i take this amiss!""
"
"""are you franklin (gulp) w. dixon?""
asks a lad. ""the real writer?"" he sticks in.
""gee, us boys in between
ages 8 and 14
find your tales of teen sleuthin' transfixin'!""
"
"a poor but artistically yearning man
packed his freak flag and drove off to burning man,
but, with muttered goddamns,
learned it's 300 clams,
and became an abruptly u-turning man.
"
"a dismissive young miss of wisconsin
found the tone that she couched her response in
would deflate, but not neuter,
a pleading young suitor,
unless she put more nonchalance in.
"
"the didgeridoo choir blew it:
that chord had such dissonance to it!
asked alto to bass
(with a rather red face),
""was my g flat, or did yer e do it?""
"
"while plotting his day's misbehaving,
a knave was distractedly shaving.
with a slip, the poor sod
pulled a self-sweeney todd.
(his technique has got butcherdom raving.)
"
"one league under and starting to thrash,
an inventor at last got a flash:
""if encased in a bell
i could breathe for a spell.""
and his diving bell made a big splash.
"
"the saxophone soloist shuns
all gastrointestinal puns.
acute diarrhea
is not his idea
of funny, when stan gets the runs.
"
"""of all of us reindeer,"" said dancer,
""i'm known as the suavest romancer.
and when mrs. claus muses
why no doe refuses,
my antler size hints at the answer.""
"
"mere contentedness, research is seeing,
is a less assured route to well-being
than improving your lot.
it's a view that has got
philosophical cows disagreeing.
"
"when scratching his ass during mass,
father flynn gets a pass for his brass.
but he's going too far
when he puffs a cigar
and slurps gin during sunday school class.
"
"as argentine generals who've neared
the end of long lives have long feared,
they'll soon face the fury
of judge and of jury
composed of the once disappeared.
"
"a fellow whose wedding was looming
was finding good grooming consuming.
his girl thought, ""how sweet!""
but got coldness of feet
when a hair out of place set him fuming.
"
"a stoner took time out mid-toke
to divertingly tell us a joke.
it was told with much craft,
and we laughed and we laughed
and we laughed ? funny joke (killer smoke).
"
"for a centuries-old stradivarius
survival is fraught and precarious,
but it's still going strong
despite use as a bong
in the haze of the age of aquarius.
"
"the people keep bending their thoughts,
while repeatedly coming to naughts.
so we're stuck with that name
for a decade? how lame.
good riddance at last to the aughts.
"
"a rogue who embodies what sleaze is
allergically sneezes and wheezes
and breaks out in hives
at the wannabe wives
who emerge from his stable of squeezes.
"
"the divine right of kings, on the face of it,
has no justice at all ? not a trace of it.
but if god lets a king
steal my wife for a fling?
?well, i won't make a federal case of it.
"
"two falcons, one eastbound, one westbound,
convergently flew themselves nestbound.
they made no provision
for mid-air collision,
and now they are heavenly-rest-bound.
"
"a yearning young couple from reading
chose to wait until after the wedding,
but they'd gaze for whole days
at clean sheets and duvets
in a new-found obsession with bedding.
"
"little timmy is cranky and cross,
and thanksgiving, he thinks, is a loss.
but sis thinks he's jerky
refusing his turkey
when served without cranberry sauce.
"
"at the pta luncheon, a dilf
propositioned a counterpart milf.
""sorry, pops, i've got plans
to accomodate fans
who have youth and a mind full of filf.""
"
"to credentialist sticklers i'll owe it
that my jig will be up ? i just know it!
they'll make me take home a
damned rhymer's diploma
to pass as professional poet.
"
"at her audit, a hollywood harlot
is turning discernibly scarlet:
""you will notice i blush,
but so what if i'm flush ?
can't a working girl outearn a starlet?""
"
"wailed a poet, ""god, send me a sign!
or better yet ? feed me a line.""
and just as he said it,
hot damn! he was fed it.
ain't providence simply divine?
"
"a monk gave his cellmates a dose
of flatulence so grandiose
it forever may loom
in that windowless room
with its atmosphere already close.
"
"it's a less-than-desirable trait
to let biliousness show on a date.
keep your spleen, then, unvented
till the bond is cemented,
and wait until marriage to grate.
"
"a bully who badgers his peers
was cheerfully boxing their ears,
but each blow of the fist
rather worried his wrist,
so he's sticking to kicking their rears.
"
"worried wes, ""this recession ain't funny,
and i frequently fret about money.""
but his great-grandma gertie
recalled 1930
and told him, ""just deal with it, sonny.""
"
"""by booking a hooker,"" said dasher,
""i fear i could not have been rasher.
you'd think i'd remember
this eve in december
the sleigh'd be too crowded to stash 'er.""
"
"""i treat my new patients diversely,""
said dr. kevorkian, tersely.
""with kid gloves, with firm hand ?
but they all understand
that they're leaving the premises hearsely.""
"
"a diapir rash comes from slidin'
down a domed rock formation and ridin'
the core that breaks through,
and has nothing to do
with those parenting skills you take pride in.
"
"no need to enroll in some dreary
old course in advanced music theory ?
you can learn to rejoice
in that sweetie-pie voice
just by ear when you hear blossom dearie.
"
"a written disclaimer makes clear,
""we can't be responsible here.""*
*the above definition,
by author's admission,
was reached after 12 pints of beer.
"
"one especially still christmas eve,
the adults got a welcome reprieve,
and the kiddies made do
with a chestnut or two
during santa's sabbatical leave.
"
"a divorcing old scamp from sumatra
meant to honor his vows, but forgotra.
his extra-curriculars
in the bill of particulars
humbled hefner and staggered sinatra.
"
"discordia, goddess of strife,
kept conflict in ancient rome rife.
by stirring the pot
she made cold wars go hot,
while the romans thought, ""girl, get a life.""
"
"to a half-quart of aimless narration,
add a teaspoon of pure deviation;
stir in one cup digression,
and a random impression;
heat, simmer and serve: divagation.
"
"two roads once diverged in a wood.
at the fork, i decided i should
take the path that's less trod.
what a difference! thank god
that the gps signal was good.
"
"a relationship expert's insistence
has preserved mick and may's co-existence.
they're inseparable now
that their mothers both vow
to stay far, far away in the distance.
"
"the new pope's soap-and-water neurosis
is coupled with bad halitosis.
the cardinals had bet
that the two would offset,
but instead there's a dread symbiosis.
"
"you fans of pulp fiction won't wanna miss
my cell's gone to hell, by anonymous.
it's the tale of a thug
driven mad in the jug
by a cellmate too pleasant and bonhomous.
"
"see that chap who's spilled tea on his chinos?
let's ask him ?  he's a brit, maybe he knows.
""do you know, sir, old slang
for a party, slam-bang?""
""my dear fellow, you're speaking of beanos.""
"
"ensconced on a stool at o'malley's,
a husband, due home, dilly-dallies.
to his beer mug he speaks,
""every marriage has peaks,
but brother, there's plenty of valleys.""
"
"the fellow who had the temerity
to disregard break or disparity,
and write disconnect down
as a newly coined noun
will be savaged, i trust, by posterity.
"
"to posh fundraisers, caterers lug it,
and fraternity pledges must chug it;
but what everyone knows
is that dipping sauce goes
awful well with a chicken mcnugget.
"
"no need for suppressing so manically
what your stomach must issue organically ?
it's a bodily function,
so feel no compunction
whenever you're belching volcanically.
"
"the members of phlegmco's directorate
get indignant when shareholders hector it
to produce high returns,
and the meeting adjourns
in a crossfire of hostile expectorate.
"
"said a housewife with downcast demeanor,
""i use oceans of all-purpose cleaner,
and i scrub and i scrub,
but the mold in my tub
just gets leaner and meaner and greener!""
"
"said edgar t. idlebone, fretting,
""out of bed must i really be getting?
oh, i can, if i must,
swear off envy or lust,
but sloth is the sin that's besetting.""
"
"said a troll to poor claudia schiffer
as she scrambled to make herself spiffer,
""it's no use, dear, we're through.
you're foie gras; i'm beef stew.
i still love you ? but, darling, we differ.""
"
"malignant old mortimer morehead
has distinguished himself as a sorehead
with a singular new
middle-finger tattoo
ostentatiously placed on his forehead.
"
"in fulfilling a masher's voracities,
champagne serves in dual capacities:
it quenches his thirst,
and when guzzled, not nursed,
just one glass puts a wary young lass at ease.
"
"""boy, you must get some sleep!"" poppa pled.
pondered junior, ""that's easier said ?
who can sleep when such foul
monstrosities growl
disturbingly under the bed?""
"
"to his bros said a troubled nick jonas:
""how disturbing ? our fans want to clone us.
if given their druthers
they'd double us brothers,
and triplicate me as a bonus.""
"
"as a bad-indigestion corrective,
disembowelment's highly effective;
but intestine removals
need bank loan approvals:
the procedure's considered elective.
"
"to his son said a latter-day dad,
""you know, cuckoldry isn't so bad.
and if all your moms cheat,
then we're bound to defeat
this whole mormon monogamy fad.""
"
"converted curmudgeons avow,
""our disgruntlement's history now.
come, friend, join our ranks
of contented ex-cranks
by embracing the way of the cow.""
"
"as to effort, a dad doesn't lack it,
but at diapering babes, he can't hack it:
he confuses his ends,
and he uses depends
to absorb all the consequent racket.
"
"of my stride (one part glide, one part bounce),
there are widely discrepant accounts.
the walkologists say
it's a textbook sashay,
while the laymen insist it's a flounce.
"
"driving cars is where lars gets his kicks,
locking bumpers with good-looking chicks.
but now bumpers and lars
are both behind bars,
because bumper guards foiled his tricks.
"
"in a puddle, a happy pig wallowed;
becky sue, bent on merriment, followed.
but since nobody taught her
what pigs do in water,
she counterproductively swallowed.
"
"cash for clunkers, in summer '09,
got our beater cars crushed by design.
could oedilf likewise crush
clunky limericks to mush,
and begin with a couple of mine?
"
"to clients, my workplace is comic,
since designed along lines dioramic.
but we drones on display
in our glass-cubed array
find it stuffy and unergonomic.
"
"said the butcher, ""what's left on my block
i dissever and package and stock.
but there's little demand
for my lopped-off right hand,
or the bits of it left on my smock.""
"
"said the city boy, sick of pollution:
""i've had it with bad distribution!
it's time that we scatter
particulate matter
to villages more lilliputian.""
"
"as baseball goes, time immemorially,
the manager rules dictatorially.
he kicks players' rumps,
and makes mincemeat of umps,
like earl weaver did, baltimore oriolely.
"
"as investors in stock take a bath, a way
to get rich is a tried-and-true path away:
buy and hold (and keep holding)
through earnings' unfolding,
then sell (when you're dead) berkshire hathaway.
"
"at dessert, be alert for the guy
with a rabid adhesion to pie.
if you serve chocolate mousse,
he will cry, ""what the deuce?""
and make ready to spit in your eye.
"
"mused the atheist thinker, ""it's odd:
i'm convinced that he's just a facade,
so you'd think that i ought
not to give him a thought,
but i stink at disinterest in god.""
"
"a rhino, renowned for its girth,
draws its breath in for all that it's worth,
then, with gale-force exhaling,
sets poachers to sailing
diffusively over the earth.
"
"begging quarters while rain keeps on drizzling,
a mendicant's spirits are fizzling.
he proceeds to a flophouse
and dreams of a chophouse
with porterhouse steaks served up sizzling.
"
"a widely known wine is describable
as brackish and barely imbibable,
with a beastly bouquet.
(i refrain, by the way,
to name names, so as not to be libable.)
"
"said a musical miss, ""my dear otto,
'less light and more heat' is my motto.""
she resumed with a yawn,
""and you're more l?g?rement
than molto appassionato.""
"
"how respectful young symington is!
and at subtle ahems, he's a whiz.
i'm inclined to propose
that he lay out my clothes,
with that butlerine manner of his.
"
"a marooned mountaineer in hot tights
desultorily spent her cold nights
till she lured smitten sherpas
with a surplus of purpose
to guide her along to new heights.
"
"they're working girls ? dust won't disgust 'em,
so the madame's obsession nonplussed 'em.
but her moppin' and vacuumin'
showed good business acumen:
clean quarters was drummin' up custom.
"
"said a pope on the ropes, ""with no proof,
my public support will go poof!
i'll affirm in a bull
it's determinable
that god is alive but aloof.""
"
"mr. casey is lacing the punch,
and refusing to nap after lunch.
at green meadows, they say
he's a wheelchair rou?,
and the worst debauchee of the bunch.
"
"dear diary: last night, hedonistically,
i dreamed that nick jonas, sadistically,
dumped his girlfriend ? for me!!
(and so this, you'll agree,
is a limerick composed diaristically.)
"
"in the swampland near old opa-locka,
their resemblance was such a huge shock, a
big hairy embrace
didn't seem out of place,
the day bigfoot encountered chewbacca.
"
"an achievement gap plagued east moline,
so the schools got a middle-tier teen
to coach and inspire:
now dunces test higher,
and eggheads revert to the mean.
"
"in the city godzilla got lost in,
repeatedly, slaughter got tossed in:
he walked round in loops
crushing idlers on stoops,
and cyclically terrorized boston.
"
"lois lane said, ""i'm counting on kryptonite
to finally get superman whipped tonight.
disempowerment, though,
could have side effects, no?
well, we'll see when i get him unzipped tonight.""
"
"it's a struggle for 12-stepping sid,
of his demons at last to be rid.
let us drink, apropos-ly,
this bottle of stoli
he dipsomaniacally hid.
"
"""she appeared like a blonde apparition.
now my heart is,"" sighed art, ""in remission.""
wearing awe on his sleeve,
he may nevermore leave
bedazzlement's heightened condition.
"
"it takes cheek to exhibit your lust
and ogle a strange woman's bust.
but to reach out and fondle?
only shaft or james bond'll
possess such incredible crust.
"
"""the lift-off is easy,"" said cupid,
""but reindeer are terribly stupid.
'never land at high speed'
is advice we won't heed,
thus i've gone from a quad to a two-ped.""
"
"mr. stillman has nothing to prove,
and a disinclination to move.
sans ambition, contrition ?
he's an awful strange fish in
an emotionless, motionless groove.
"
"the treacherous town of down falls
has a death rate that simply appalls.
sixty settlers per k
meet their maker each day ?
that's not counting the mounting close calls.
"
"dear parents: more action, less pity!
our red-spotted bottoms ain't pretty.
we're chafing like mad in
these pampers we're clad in.
?the diaper rash victims committee
"
"a diva who's starring in carmen
has an ego that's truly alarmin'.
she has bodyguards stay
to restrain don jos? ?
a precaution she can't see the harm in.
"
"at the altar, the bride of the groom
disdainfully surveyed the room:
""those grotesques that i see
are my in-laws-to-be?
let's discuss, dear, before we resume.""
"
"there's your medium-decibel plain fart,
and your audible-here-to-ukraine fart.
but these farts aren't conveying
...er, what was i saying?...
oh!... conveying the meaning of brain fart.
"
"the hangdoggy hannibal hectley
submits to his missus henpecked-ly.
when she shouts, ""come here now!""
it's pavlovian how
his response is, ""i'll be there directly.""
"
"a nerd made his way down the bleachers
toward one of those cheerleading creatures.
""time out!"" yelled the coach.
""does that nerd think approach-
ability's one of her features?""
"
"""our church,"" cried the panicking pastor,
""delapidates faster and faster,
and the workmen now tarry
since a vision of mary
has appeared in the cracks in the plaster!""
"
"for the game tonight, coach has a plan:
in the paint, body up to your man.
stick so close he can't turn,
pass, or shoot; you should learn
his deodorant?right guard or ban?
"
"miss world's need to pee never ceases,
hence global awareness increases.
but she's somewhat dismayed,
since her major crusade
is not diuresis ? world peace is.
"
"have i written the first limerick yet on
the surrealist auteur andr? breton?
but we owe him so much! ?
fur-lined teacups and such,
and that ear that the art world was set on.
"
"a contemptible dentist of flushing
discourages children from brushing.
""a young molar,"" he says,
""thrives on pepsi and pez.
as to hygiene, there's no need for rushing.""
"
"the jaws of life (truly, a wonder)
is divulsive, and tears things asunder.
it leaves waste in its train,
but i oughtn't complain
as it carves up this bus that i'm under.
"
"my wife picked our perky au pair
distrustfully up by the hair,
and tossed her ten feet:
""mr. foster won't cheat,
but my faith goes no further than there.""
"
"attend, writers, useful advice:
attempt keeping usage concise.
prolix lengthy wordage
betrays wordsmith nerdage ?
disyllables often suffice.
"
"a '40s don juan on the make
must be properly creased at the break ?
how his pants hit his shoes'll
face lynx-eyed perusal
by dames like veronica lake.
"
"a leather-lunged babe underscored
that the loss of umbilical cord
by disseverment stings
with a wail that still rings
up and down the maternity ward.
"
"my homebuilder, cy, was misguided
despite the clear specs i'd provided.
with more wrath you can't shout,
""yo, decagonal's out!""
than i did when cy did ten-sided.
"
"our word-coiners ought to know better,
but hell, they get paid by the letter,
while the old school condemns
such agglutinative gems
as invitingly-tight-fitting-sweater.
"
"a gossip who wagged his tongue loosely
would blurt hurtful rumors diffusely.
he admits now he lied
up and down, far and wide,
and is taking some swift kicks caboosely.
"
"a disputant a lady took tea with
reflected, ""though pleasant to be with,
i must say, all the same,
she's a frustrating dame,
for her judgements i fully agree with!""
"
"i consider it mainly a curse
to have high-minded thoughts, but what's worse
is that when they're expressed,
they come shabbily dressed
in disreputable styles of verse.
"
"liz dissipates (revels on booze).
i anticipate (""liz, please don't choose
ravioli to eat."")
that she'll fall at my feet,
and revel all over my shoes.
"
"an elephant toting a load
detrimentally stepped on a toad.
now marking the scene
is a tiny and green
memorial spot on the road.
"
"""are we doomed,"" asked the dog to the snail,
""to pursue what will never avail?
while you struggle like hell
to break out of your shell,
i'm just running round chasing my tail.""
"
"said a dover-based octogenarian,
""how i rue i've remained delawarian.
this state is so small,
i can not see at all
how there's room that's left over for buryin'.""
"
"the parachute squadron's new aide
thought backpacks would do, i'm afraid.
on his lapses he muses,
as angry j'accuses
of ""culpable negligence!"" fade.
"
"""though you're locked,"" said the doc, ""in a squat,
it's not arthrogryposis you've got.""
""but doc,"" i reacted,
""my joints were contracted
at birth, so please cease talking rot.""
"
"a dissuasive head waiter once said,
""are you sure that you want some more bread?
if i may be so bold,
sir, i fear a new fold
in your gathering middle-aged spread.""
"
"at the seashore, louisa sue sutton
demurely unbuttoned a button,
then dipped her big toe in,
and whoa! she kept goin'
abashlessly straight down to nuttin'.
"
"said the red-headed girl, dishing dirt,
""charlie brown doesn't know how to flirt ?
not as if i would date
someone bald at age eight
who's allergic to changing his shirt.""
"
"a digressive professor of law
keeps the entering students in awe,
as his lectures on torts
veer from weather, to sports,
to the sex life of george bernard shaw.
"
"""preparation,"" barks staff sergeant lex,
""is the main thing a lady expects.
we must heed, as a duty,
the call of that booty,
and fall out for casual sex.""
"
"said the cheese to the ham, with asperity,
""this buffet's a black hole of barbarity!
the brunchers keep takin'
plain slices of bacon,
eschewing our complementarity.""
"
"i don't mind taking pains to smell sweet;
i deodorize, rinse and repeat;
i stay shirted and shod;
though i wonder if god
might have spared us all armpits and feet.
"
"said a lady whose trade a man sought,
""are you kidding? my tail can't be bought!
i'm not like that at all.
well, oh hell, for a small
consideration, i'll give it some thought.""
"
"the greenstreets and bonds and buscemis
miss the finals and settle for semis.
they're content with the fact
they can character act,
since our hollywood gods need their demis.
"
"in the post-christmas crash of bob cratchit,
the scrooge fund dries up; bob can't match it.
that illness of tim's
claims his other three limbs,
and the rest of the cratchits all catch it.
"
"a desponding young painter cried, ""pooh!
to myself must i always be true?
oh, i'd never get used
to my palette reduced
to a dismally few shades of blue!""
"
"i dress down; tessa's frown makes me wither,
and so back to the wardrobe i slither.
i return, looking natty;
her eyelids go batty,
and blinkingly beckon me thither.
"
"a codger who lived through the crash
is terribly close with his cash.
he tips in small trickles
of pennies and nickels,
lamenting each dent in his stash.
"
"it's a humble apology sid owes,
for he derogates orphans and widows.
without shame he defames
and belittles old dames,
and disparages parentless kiddos.
"
"when you ask what might really repulse her,
miss smith says, ""my doctor's divulsor!
when he tries to let out
my urethra, i shout,
'what put that idea into your skull, sir?'""
"
"to forget those new pants that you've soiled,
or that lawsuit in which you're embroiled,
pour a whisky shot straight
down the ol' golden gate ?
and again and again till you're boiled.
"
"the haranguing old hanging judge, sterne,
shows little if any concern,
and zero compassion
for faces gone ashen
on abject necks waiting their turn.
"
"of the merits of barrett the cop,
his abidingness ranks near the top.
every shift, he'll retreat
to his krispy kreme beat,
and he's not bloody likely to stop.
"
"said the strings to the woodwinds, ""beware.
hold your hat and grab on to your chair;
gird your loins, plug your ears,
check for loose chandeliers ?
in ten measures, the brass is ablare.""
"
"a bliss-seeking hippie burglariously
cracked safes for a living and, variously,
would make a withdrawal,
or climb in (or crawl)
to meditate, age of aquariously.
"
"how peculiar and puzzling and queer: it
was so deadening having to hear it,
yet in visceral ways
i am missing those days
back when w.'s drawl crushed my spirit.
"
"""this again?"" santa asks with a snort.
""very well, then ? i'll see you in court,""
as he sneers at the smears
that appear in this year's
demythologisation report.
"
"""my midriff,"" sniffs sidney sinclair,
""imparts un certain savoir faire,
and appears distingu?,
quite despite those who say
i resemble an oversized pear.""
"
"humpty dumpty's a lighter and faster piece,
and paradise lost a far vaster piece,
but in head-to-head heat
neither one can compete
with this minor poetical masterpiece.
"
"said the borderline atheist, prayerfully,
""dear god, i deliberate carefully,
and i mull, and i brood,
and, at best, i conclude
that it's cruel that you rule laissez-fairefully.""
"
"the organist plays, without fail,
chorale preludes as slow as a snail.
but his sound is sublime,
and the pastor finds time
for texting and checking his mail.
"
"said a guy with a girl on each arm,
""man, deceptiveness works like a charm!""
""oh, we'd have to agree,""
said the ladies with glee,
""if you think that we're fresh off the farm.""
"
"the changes of season impel
me to whiskey and raising of hell.
i get, therefore (quarterly),
drunk and disorderly?
officer, save me a cell.
"
"lord horde, the collector of castles,
would leave it all up to his vassals
to sort out the mess
of the pre-ups
deliverability hassles.
"
"though on mars you have commonly seen us,
i can prove that some men are from venus
with a delicate act
of abstemious tact:
i decline to insert here a ???????????.
"
"1900: a newborn thought, ""great,
the drinking age sucks in my state.
why, before my first draught,
i'll have roosevelt, taft,
woodrow wilson and harding to wait!""
"
"an author began to compose
disjointed, disorderly prose.
his editor felt
that he needed a belt,
and disjointedness spread to his nose.
"
"a bitchin' young bishop named murph
was born to save sinners, and surf.
his flock's on the coast,
and he's so, like, the toast
of his gnarly diocesan turf.
"
"here's a poem no critic will pan;
it rhymes and will certainly scan.
oh, but let's not talk shop;
how about i just stop?
discontinuance ? sounds like a plan.
"
"a dope sheet has info on horses
(the kind that will race around courses).
it has handicaps, odds ?
on which gamblers risk wads
of dinero (then learn what remorse is).
"
"deliberative bodies embrace
the need for debate to take place,
and freedom of speech
is exerted by each
of the members (till blue in the face).
"
"dear drew, best regards from zaire,
where it's beautiful this time of year!
well, i know you pursue
deltiology, drew,
or i'd otherwise wish you were here.
"
"said the maid to the mirror, ""oh dear,
i must speak to the new chocolatier ?
his creamy confections
have causal connections
to my newly voluminous rear.""
"
"a striving young woman named gail
eats her toenails and pees in a pail,
and takes showers of slime,
all in order to climb
the disreputability scale.
"
"a truculent writer of prose
deridingly looks down his nose,
and says, ""poetry herds
indiscriminate words
into hideous truncated rows!""
"
"to her dad said the mortified daughter
of the cellulose gum that he bought her
(which she wisely refused),
""omg, dad, that's used
as a thickening agent with water!""
"
"can limericks be clean but not corny?
it's a matter, at best, that is thorny.
but this one, you'll glean,
came out corny/unclean,
because ceratoid simply means horny.
"
"let's hear it for wystan hugh auden,
a poet progressive and mauden.
he shunned all such rhymes
as may constitute crhymes,
and for which i am begging your pauden.
"
"said the frat brother, flat on his back
with a foot on his face, ""what we lack
in this phone booth, you guys,
is a thoughtful and wise
distributional plan of attack.""
"
"a dilutant will water things down,
like the laugh lines surrounding your frown,
or that tonic stirred in
to your beaker of gin,
or those sneakers worn under your gown.
"
"caulescent plants mock and condemn
acaulescent plants' lack of a stem,
but their stem-bearing pride
should be widely decried
as reductionist us vs. them.
"
"a female cryptogamous plant
has her bits used for breeding, but can't
use the word antheridial,
for the usage committee'll
go off on another long rant.
"
"help wanted: young man with degree
to serve as a delegatee.
please know not to ask
why each mind-numbing task
must be handled by you and not me.
"
"said the moon, as it waned to a crescent,
""i'm outshone by a bulb incandescent,
but i'd stand a fair shot,
toe to toe, watt for watt,
in a faceoff with compact fluorescent.""
"
"i had a blind date with a lady,
a hot one named daisy o'grady.
she seemed rather keen,
but, while i was 18,
she was (contradistinctively) 80.
"
"say the jazz lovers, speaking of styles:
""if marooned on our own desert isles,
we'd be happy to dote
on the sound of one note,
big and blue and remote, care of miles.""
"
"""the saddle i never have minded,""
said trigger (though maybe his spine did).
""but these hollywood stinkers
bought a bridle with blinkers,
and to fair mares abeam i'm now blinded!""
"
"jack the ripper made murder his schtick,
but ed gein introduced disartic-
ulation: ""you slice
at the joints. be precise,
and the press thinks it's wonderfully sick!""
"
"broods baryshnikov, ""critics are knaves,
and my work has not always drawn raves.
thus it's sweet to outlive
critics deprecative,
and still sweeter to dance on their graves.""
"
"those canadian birds of a feather
heed the summons of seasonal weather,
and set off like a jet
to carribean-set
convocational gettings-together.
"
"teen shut-in hermione morse
confesses her shyness's source:
""it's really quite simple ?
i'm letting a pimple
run its dermatological course.""
"
"dear aretha, i find i'm compelled
to remark that the word you have spelled,
being l-o-n-g,
hurts my h-e-a-d.
disrespectfully yours, [name withheld].
"
"have a door? have a name? then the day
that your left-behind colleagues will say,
""lookee here?golly gee,
jeff's a real v.i.p.!""
is only a doorplate away.
"
"consumers: you must keep your spending,
in good times or bad, neverending.
hard times call for drastic
deployment of plastic.
now get to work overextending!
"
"a courtesy flush lets you drown
your discharges, pungent and brown,
spare the air, then resume.
(i address this to whom
it concerns in the second stall down.)
"
"disfranchised, i am (you may quote)
deprived of the right to a vote.
not as if i believe in
those slippery, thievin',
corrupt politicians of note.
"
"note the doorstop: a fixture of floors,
which humanity largely ignores.
oh, it's not cutting edge?
just a wee wooden wedge
much opposed to the closing of doors.
"
"the mouse and the elephant knew
that theirs was a doomed amour fou.
oh, they wanted like mad
to be mutually had,
but such disparateness! what can you do?
"
"a dowager duchess, quite grand,
inherited oodles of land.
how she used to survive
while the duke was alive
is a thing she can not understand.
"
"if i follow its tag to the letter,
i should hand-wash my cardigan sweater.
ah, screw it ? i'm hopin'
the dry cleaner's open,
since chemical solvents do better.
"
"said the flounder, ""i'm bound to say some fish
have their tics and their quirks. but a drum fish?
here's a fish that enjoys
making vibrating noise
through an air bladder ? rather a rum fish.""
"
"acanthodians swimming the oceans
caused paleozoic commotions.
fellow fish would  guffaw,
""look,  that fish has a jaw ?
oh, of all the nonsensical  notions!""
"
"""my flatulence,"" bragged bertold brecht,
""is dispersive, and last time i checked,
it could even aspire
to trump cries of fire!
in its theatre-clearing effect.""
"
"pleading ""debt relief!"" just as a joke,
swindlin' slim  must have softened the bloke,
for big tony mused, ""no ?
gotta pay what you owe,
but i will leave your left leg unbroke.""
"
"oh plain jane, my devotion is utter,
yet my love you have tossed in the gutter.
i should hate you, you  frump,
but my heart is a chump,
and your dowdiness sets it aflutter.
"
"said an actor (employed only rarely),
""why must nature endow us unfairly?
that means that i can't
be the new cary grant,
since i'll never come off debonairly!""
"
"acanthology specialization
leads biologist bill to frustration:
""i don't want to,"" he whines,
""study sea urchin spines,
when their gonads hold such fascination.""
"
"blurted fisherman fred, all aquiver,
""i can't wait to retire downriver!
way on down by the bay,
there's a spot where they say
long john silver's will gladly deliver.""
"
"with a sigh, rover eyed his old stomping ground:
""ah, my fetching and digging and romping ground!
and that steak bone,"" he laughed,
""how i gnawed at the shaft ?
its diaphysis such a fine chomping ground.""
"
"said middle-aged morty, depressed:
""disutility sums it up best.""
""in my youth,"" he explained,
""it could not be restrained ?
now it's rarely resisting a rest.""
"
"homo sapiens' temporal span
is evoked by my bowling pal, stan,
who, with low-swinging arm
and that uni-brow charm,
bodies forth the neanderthal man.
"
"said the listless young man with a drawl,
""ah prefer to do nothin' at all.
so think twice 'fore you ask
me to handle a task,
'cuz ah'd much rather leave it to y'all.""
"
"what the tsa officer lacked
was a good sense of humor. in fact,
he replied, ""your allusion
and crotchal protrusion
are two things you'd better retract!""
"
"in line for the flight to saipan,
think i'll pass on that full body scan,
but i'll gladly withstand
an impertinent hand?
make that search good and crotchal, my man!
"
"""at christmastime, children,"" said mother,
""you must pledge to be good to each other,
for the presents you get
are contingently set
by a list-keeping, jolly big brother.""
"
"i inspect, in my hours of leisure,
all the volunteered skulls i can measure.
as my calling card states:
""the prediction of traits
is my craniometrical pleasure.""
"
"""when the bishops and i disagree,""
said the pope, ""i invite them to tea,
then refer the old fools
to the doctrinal rules
that establish infallible me.""
"
"a critic was once heard to say
of the picture of dorian gray,
""every tissue and cell
has been rendered so well,
in an abiotrophical way!""
"
"a reader of marx and voltaire,
while doubtingly starting a prayer,
said, with heavenly glance,
""i must look, lord, askance?
your existence is up in the air!""
"
"it would only be proper and fittin'
to pay tribute to benjamin britten
with winds, strings and brass
grandioso en masse.
instead, there's this limerick i've written.
"
"to chondrify means that your tissue
turns to cartilage. now, if you wish you
knew precisely the cause,
biological laws
need consulting to settle the issue.
"
"i learn, as he x-rays my bladder,
my urologist's mad as a hatter.
he declares with a sigh,
""how i love contrast dye?
oh, cystography! what could be radder?""
"
"diagenesis works 'round the clock
making sediment morph into rock.
it alters systemically?
physically, chemically.
(man, sediment's in for a shock.)
"
"""contradictory forces collide
before i've had breakfast,"" marx sighed.
said hegel, ""don't fret!
grab a bagel and let
dialectical processes ride.""
"
"a book has a backbone?it's spined,
thus its pages are bound and aligned.
the backside is vital
for showing the title,
thus making it something you'll find.
"
"call me vain, call me proud, call me choosy,
but my next girlfriend must be a doozy:
the kind i might meet
at hugh hefner's retreat,
manor-born to the bubbling jacuzzi.
"
"6 ft. male, of proportionate weight,
not too choosy, not looking to date,
is in search of a friend
who'll descriptively trend
36-24-38.
"
"muttered sisyphus, gazing uphill,
""pushing boulders may not take much skill,
but, to carry on thus,
one needs doggedness, plus
a spectacular lack of free will.""
"
"said a snowflake, restraining emotion,
""my distinctiveness ? what an odd notion!
take a look down below
at my fate (h2o):
there's no way i'm avoiding that ocean.""
"
"said a pro-status-quo washingtonian,
""the new lobbying bill is draconian.
a law that is this strict
will empty the district ?
it won't let an industry crony in!""
"
"cried a?creature, in tones of frustration,
""crustacean??croatian??dalmatian?
i don't care what you call me,
but god, does it gall me
to not have a damned designation!""
"
"the dray horses used to get stuck
hauling all of our stuff through the muck,
and echoing still
are their whinnies of thrill
from the day we invented the truck.
"
"said a bakery patron named chloe,
""my boyfriend ain't choosy, although he
sure knows what he wants,
and these chocolate croissants
are to keep me desirably doughy.""
"
"how distressing to notice the dearth
of climatic zones here on the earth
with perpetual sun
that stay 71?
to provide me a suitable berth.
"
"that a steak knife is not meant for playing
is a commonplace ? barely worth saying.
just as equally true
(this i learned at age two)
is that kitty cats aren't for filleting.
"
"a concessive debater at yale
will grant all your points without fail.
""your knowledge is massive!""
he'll gasp, with his passive-
aggressive intent to prevail.
"
"the butterfly said to the bee
(combatively), ""why don't we see,
in a head-to-head fight,
if your sting or my flight
gave the edge to muhammad ali?""
"
"position your cursor and click:
voila! there are items to pick.
it's a down-dropping menu?
in 2010, you
should know this already, you hick!
"
"lady gaga was born with a weakness
for clothes of outlandish uniqueness,
and she hasn't the sense
not to flaunt the fact. hence,
she's becoming an icon of chicness.
"
"lectured batman, ""it can't be ignored?
recognition rates lately have soared.
and disguisement's first task
is to put on a mask.
so, superman?please get on board.""
"
"cried the feverish diderot, ""right ?
clear the cobwebs and let there be light!
but i'd better get cracking ?
can't write this big whacking
encyclop?die overnight.""
"
"said the newlyweds, iris and art:
""though we're opposites, mainly, at heart,
our attraction won't lapse
until death (or perhaps
contrariety) does us apart.""
"
"i would judge jelly doughnuts' digest-
ibility doubtful at best,
as i'm starting to gag
at the last in the bag.
(why oh why did i scarf down the rest?)
"
"a dinner of chicken or fish is,
on chinaware, much more delicious
than on thin paper plates.
(how the dixie co. hates
my endorsement of porcelain dishes!)
"
"unlike gardeners, who tend to their roses,
fashionistas, who practice their poses,
or subversives, whose thing
is beheading the king,
deuteronomists focus on moses.
"
"a bourgeoisie banker of france
wore his underwear over his pants.
the way that he wore 'em
diminished decorum
to drollery's greater advance.
"
"collateralized debt obligations
are diversified risk innovations.
what's the risk? well, at times
when they're full of sub-primes,
broke investors and bankrupted nations.
"
"in the '80s, a lad failed to lure
the ladies with songs by the cure,
but his '90s success
when a goth girl said, ""yes!""
made the aughts just like heaven, i'm sure.
"
"a debaser, despite what you've read,
isn't someone who cheapens; instead,
it's an earworm you plant
so a rocker dude can't
get that pixies tune out of his head.
"
"said daughter to mother, ""oh, please.
all this talk of the birds and the bees?
mom, you never would pass
my biology class,
for they never cross-fertilize. jeez!""
"
"human tribes should cross-fertilize more?
share perspectives and values galore.
there'd be yin to the yang
if more chess clubs would hang
with the cast of tv's jersey shore.
"
"what's constraintive will limit, confine,
and constrict?which may not sound benign.
but with my kind of luck,
and that veering mack truck,
i give praise to this seat belt of mine.
"
"said a witness, ""i never have seen
such a truly distinct shade of green.""
""quite unique,"" i groaned, ""sure ?
one part absinthe liqueur,
one part spicy malaysian cuisine.""
"
"said the prodigy child, ""well, ideally,
i'd get out and start frolicking freely,
and indulge in assortments
of youthful disportments ?
but first i must master swahili.""
"
"a man on a holiday bender
dissolutely mixed booze in a blender,
and created a beast
of unguessable yeast,
unknown proof and ambiguous gender.
"
"said the townie, ""i hear it's unhip
to detest the idea of a trip,
but i'm happy right here,
and i owe it to sheer
dedication to denizenship.""
"
"if ethnicities, races, and classes
of america's schoolgoing masses
have their own separate schools,
then, despite legal rules,
segregation is what it, alas, is.
"
"chromotherapy doesn't use meds
or a phd shrinker of heads ?
rather, freudian greens,
skinner aquamarines,
and some jungian purples and reds.
"
"the cloven-hoofed creatures decree
that their two toes are better than three,
but are forced to admit
that a hoof that's unsplit
is a hoof of the highest degree.
"
"""mom's papoose,"" said the siblings in chorus,
""would commodiously open to store us,
and the wonder is how,
looking back on it now,
there was room for a small stegosaurus.""
"
"do you pounce on young women embracefully,
then retreat with your eyes stinging macefully?
a long look in the mirror
should make it much clearer
that you, sir, are aging disgracefully.
"
"he who said (and i quote without edit),
""say,  those chipmunks deserve tons of credit
for singing so sweetly,""
became, indiscreetly,
the first and the last to have said it.
"
"said satan, ""despoilment is fun!
and you plunderers had a great run.
silly me! i forget
that you two haven't met:
alexander?attila the hun.""
"
"""cultivatable lands,"" said the mule,
""bring forth crops when they're worked, and that's cool.
but the plowing's a drag,
and i don't wish to nag,
but come on, farmer brown?tractors rule!""
"
"you can find them all over the place?
a conspicuous surface they grace.
and, though better informed,
i, for one, haven't warmed
to display panels all in my face.
"
"said the lord to the serf, ""are you sure
that your daughters are perfectly pure?""
""more or less, lord?but, well...
they've been training like hell
for your highness's droit de seigneur!""
"
"3 a.m. find a wall. commandeer.
break out cans. do your thing. disappear.
watch the bidding increase.
now roll over, matisse,
and tell kilroy that banksy was here.
"
"to get hired, simon pees in a cup.
driving home, he of course buckles up.
when his wife asks him, ""hey,
did you have a nice day?""
compulsorily, simon says, ""yup.""
"
"neither lotto nor poker nor horses
can account for my lack of resources.
no, my ruin derives
from a slew of ex-wives,
and repeated depletive divorces.
"
"in this agency, ma'am, a detective
investigates stuff?and selective
of clients we're not,
though we get quite a lot
of mysterious blondes irrespective.
"
"it is wise to have income deferred
via 401(k)s, so i've heard.
lots more money for me
that i won't get to see
till the age when my eyesight is blurred.
"
"when it comes to a knowledge of dip,
they say cletus is smart as a whip:
""my smokeless tobaccy's
the color of khakis ?
i wear 'em to soak up the drip.""
"
"to whom it concerns: stop and think.
what's contractible's liable to shrink,
and sometimes unduly.
(she's watching.) yours truly,
enlarger solution pills, inc.
"
"a conventicler's where the first quakers
held meetings until there were takers
for schemes to abandon
the old world for land in
a new world of friendlier acres.
"
"said aladdin, ""dear genie, my wishes
revolve around not doing dishes.
so please grant me a fate
where i don't clean a plate
and get endless free pushcart knishes.""
"
"ms. dickinson's pride was robust:
""anachronize, anne, if you must,
but in my day,"" she said,
""you're two centuries dead,
and your poems are eating my dust!""
"
"says an actress of fading mystique:
""i despise this new camera technique!
deep focus draws eyes
to the background,"" she sighs,
""and away from my famous physique.""
"
"the word crustal has mainly to do
with the earth's outer shell, it is true?
but there's edges of bread,
and what tends to embed
in my overworn underwear, too.
"
"those with doughtiness always are brave?
think of spartacus, rebel ex-slave.
also: churchill, mandela,
and maybe that fella
at wrigley who won't do the wave.
"
"a charterhouse: that's where devout
carthusian monks mill about.
every monk has a cell.
i would visit, but, well,
the unmonkly are kept the hell out.
"
"when they're knee-length, and pockets are flappin',
it is cargo shorts one sees a chap in?
trunks he'll never outgrow,
and as fashion trends go,
?well, i don't know how these things happen.
"
"there's a snap! in the shaft of a bone
(that's its long diaphysial zone).
since it's useless to say things
to pets mourning playthings,
we'd better leave rover alone.
"
"of this word, i am forced to resort
to a yank definition so short,
superficial and quick, it
can only be cricket:
the incomprehensible sport.
"
"great-grandmother's mind has grown weak?
if it's family affection you seek,
be aware that great-granny
may redden your fanny
by dotingly pinching a cheek.
"
"dolphinet is a long-ago word
for a dolphin that's female, i've heard.
it gets used less and less?
a condition i'd guess
that a greenpeace campaign may have spurred.
"
"the boy who cried wolf made his name
with a more and more doubtable claim,
yet by talking such rot,
he has wangled a spot
in the figure of speech hall of fame.
"
"said tolstoy, ""i hereby contend
that an editor can be your friend,
for who else would detect
war and peace's neglect
of the needed, completive 'the end'?""
"
"meager dinners, forsaking of charities,
cold apartment, and kindred austerities?
on each christmas eve,
scolding ghosts can't believe
mr. scrooge's and my similarities.
"
"a disputative beauty named sybil
to her suitors would cavil and quibble.
she said to one, ""dear,
that's a lobe, not an ear,
and that isn't a bite ? that's a nibble!""
"
"an inquisitive cambridge alum
was born double-jointed of thumb.
back and forth he would fidget
that bendable digit,
repeatedly asking, ""how come?""
"
"said a bragging, perfectionist cat:
""as to mousing, i've got it down pat.
first i stalk, then i pounce,
then i pin for ten counts,
then i rip?well, i'll leave it at that.""
"
"cupuliferous trees like the oak
come with nuts in a cup. (here i choke?
opportunity knocks,
but my prudishness blocks
me from telling a juvenile joke.)
"
"with cursoriness lately i treat
the decision of what i will eat.
i don't brood anymore;
i just hastily pour
cold dos equis on warm cream of wheat.
"
"when your foot swings and gives it a jar,
a football can go mighty far.
yet i've got to allow as
how yipping chihuahuas
i've drop-kicked are raising the bar.
"
"the clich?-hating poet opined,
""the word coolness sounds rather refined.""
then he recognized, vexed:
""but if calmness comes next,
can collectedness be far behind?""
"
"i reflect, as i sit on my stoop,
on the creaminess found in pea soup?
just as smooth, thick and rich
as my hair, over which
uncouth pigeons continue to swoop.
"
"late at night, at the bedside i'm kneeling,
praying, ""lord, please forgive double-dealing,
for i will, when i'm through,
give the devil his due
with blaspheming and cheating and stealing.""
"
"the drive shafts of automobiles
carry engine torque on to the wheels.
thus their primary use
is relaying the juice
for your out-of-the-parking-lot peels.
"
"arms folded, brow furrowed, lips pursed,
it was anger that jennifer nursed.
she said crossly: ""i see
angelina jolie
found a boyfriend. well, i found him first!""
"
"have you heard of the brothers named coen?
they make movies?reviews have been glowin'.
and when one has a clever
new filmic endeavor,
safe bet he'll be bringing his bro in.
"
"with concomitance, that which occurs
will occur all at once, my good sirs.
like the tiger and lion
who meet eye to eye n'
emit simultaneous grrrrrs.
"
"due diligence: god, what a drag!
endless research to find a red flag.
you know what? life's too short.
buy my hedge fund, old sport?
got to zig where those painstakers zag!
"
"a confused coleopterist said,
""it appears i've been badly misled.
my thesis was all
about john vs. paul,
but my job features beetles instead!""
"
"a condemnable fellow named wohlers
steals babies from out of their strollers,
chops 'em up, and supplies
nice round skulls of due size
to condemnable candlepin bowlers.
"
"unless you're a chump or a mug,
at what's cloyingly cute, you'll go ""ugh!""
though that mug might be me
at the sight of a wee
baby panda in need of a hug.
"
"there once were two birds of a feather
who conversably spoke of the weather.
""bit nippy,"" said one.
said the other, ""low sun.""
then they split for st. kitts hell-for-leather.
"
"a diestock's a brilliant device
for holding the die that will slice
out the threads of a screw,
or a bolt. and for you,
i can offer a great low, low price.
"
"on the el, over deep-dish, in pubs,
down at wrigley, while banging on tubs,
chicagoans haze
in affirmative ways,
and constructively criticize cubs.
"
"a bit of a dullard is reggie;
he considers his ketchup a veggie.
though he's not very bright,
there are those on the right
who consider him searching and edgy.
"
"a dynasty, such as the ming,
has power to which it will cling.
with heir after heir,
it's a family affair
that takes aeons to run out the string.
"
"quiet study, serene concentration
lend ennoblement, dignification.
so please hush as i sample
pam anderson's ample
pictorial representation.
"
"what's not broken will not need a fix.
take my timex. you see? it still ticks.
no defectiveness there.
pardon me? oh, i swear?
it means ""broken"", you tiresome hicks!
"
"the workingman said to the layabout,
""your coat, sir, i've something to say about:
when it's woolen and short,
of the shoulder-patched sort,
you've a jacket a donkey could bray about!""
"
"mourned the lover of hot apple pie,
""i miss belly-cheer. lord, tell me why
i must carry on living
in thrall to thanksgiving
through fruit-salad days of july.""
"
"discursiveness gives authors leave
to ramble with little reprieve,
and their books in this style
sit on shelves near the pile
of remainders, awaiting a heave.
"
"what a buzzkill was 2008!
back before then, the markets were great.
up, up, up went the dow,
but we're soberer now
knowing bubbles are bound to deflate.
"
"a nightclubbing knockout named gwen
is deflective again and again.
her favored perfume,
eau de autopsy room,
serves to scatter the beelining men.
"
"give credit for breathing in malls
to the tubing in ceilings and walls.
the ductwork up there
helps condition the air
for the juveniles roaming the halls.
"
"to her twin said a twin, ""we've become
differentiable only to mum,
and to mum we diverged
when i fully emerged
30 seconds ahead of your bum.""
"
"an art-loving lady named valerie
dietetically counted a calorie,
and reflected, ""how thin
must i be to get in
at half-price at the national gallery?""
"
"taken one at a time they mean squat,
but mosquitos conspire and plot.
with intent to consume ya,
together they cumu-
latively make mock of your swat.
"
"do you quack with a new-found authority?
are clean feathers for once a priority?
have your legs stopped their buckling?
congrats! you're a duckling
attaining the age of majority.
"
"near a cookie-filled jar, or a tin,
billy's brain cells go into a spin,
and they just can't command
billy's blameworthy hand,
which is culpably groping within.
"
"a wish-washy fellow named walt
would settle for what was default,
until one day, a choice
in a jubilant voice:
""i'm taking my popcorn with salt!""
"
"my tie has a brown and beige colorway;
i suppose that there isn't a duller way
for two hues to combine,
but it suits me just fine
in this morning's weak-tea and stale-cruller way.
"
"the soccer mom bridles and bristles,
lobbing streams of obscene verbal missiles,
and a sundry grenade for
the refs (bought and paid for)
differentially blowing their whistles.
"
"cr?me de fraise is right tasty, for sure?
it's a strawberry-flavored liqueur.
this bottle i've cracked
needs a chugging, in fact,
just to prove my intentions are pure.
"
"the label contemner applies
to those who disdain or despise.
you'll notice such haters
when paris-based waiters
take orders for burgers and fries.
"
"three sheets to the wind at the bar?
not a problem?they'll send you a car.
got a flat and no spare?
boom! a tow truck's right there.
hail, dispatchers! (wherever they are.)
"
"desert sunflowers bloom in the spring
in the country where cactus is king.
think i'll skip the routine
about blushing unseen
wasting sweetness, since that's not my thing.
"
"""akrasia,"" young plato imparted,
""is a weakness of will."" then, downhearted:
""while i'd simply adore
to discuss this some more,
we don't want to get socrates started.""
"
"desert tortoises stay in their shell;
they move slowly, and burrow as well.
this is all for the best
in a desert southwest
even reptiles find hotter than hell.
"
"a dragon is green and breathes fire;
it has wings pterodactyls admire;
and the thing it loves most
is an afternoon's roast
of stray hobbits about on the shire.
"
"a drunkard so seldom agrees
that he suffers the drinking disease,
but i'll bear no ill will
if he tries not to spill,
and agrees to hand over the keys.
"
"into dreams, once you've counted your sheep,
your unconcious desires will seep,
and the scenes that prevail
you'll describe in detail,
and unfailingly put me to sleep.
"
"who'd be pleased with a present of driftwood?
no girlfriend expecting a gift would.
so who, then, would give her
wet wood from a river?
lame boyfriends inclining to thrift would.
"
"if the feeling i'm feeling, my dove,
isn't quite the same feeling as love,
you'll be willing, i trust,
to discover, in lust,
a contributive feature thereof.
"
"a proud papa is fred the defrauder
as his daughter relates what he taught her:
""common crooks of our ilk
live to cheat, steal and bilk,
and the trustful are sheep to our slaughter!""
"
"if you've ever had reason to wonder
what they use to chart lightning and thunder,
a ceraunograph's it.
(i've fulfilled, i submit,
the unique obligation i'm under.)
"
"a chai latte is tea that is spicy
with steamed milk, served up heated or icy.
well, that's it for today?
there is much more to say,
but these things are surprisingly pricey!
"
"i suppose you will tear it apart,
bag and bury it (just for a start).
but, since arrows of cupid
love men who are stupid,
i doltishly give you my heart.
"
"forgive me for wondering why
a wine can be labeled as dry.
it's not sweet, true, and yet
it seems perfectly wet
as it dribbles all over my tie.
"
"chronological wallcharts insist
on a fact many schoolboys have missed:
t. rex and his clan
and (digestible) man
contemporaneously didn't exist.
"
"a sensitive man from belize
bought a hammock for taking his ease,
but he just couldn't cope
when he thought that the rope
might restrict circulation to trees.
"
"if you want your advice to be heeded,
concretistic examples are needed.
don't just say, ""seize the day.""
add, ""a roll in the hay
won't compare when your hair has receded.""
"
"as with chicks and their caretaking hen,
a duenna keeps girls in her ken.
her role, by and large, is
to keep her young charges
away from no-goodnik young men.
"
"""duopsony's hell on us sellers,""
said the salesman of airplane propellers.
""the prices, i've found,
won't get off of the ground
when you're selling to only two fellers.""
"
"""if i peek through my leaves,"" said the tree,
""i can spy on the humans i see.
but nowadays, cripes!
dendrological types
seem to always be studying me.""
"
"the freshman at harvard declares,
""to hell with these ivy league airs!""
then he bellows and squalls,
and (with cumbrousness) hauls
his new futon up five flights of stairs.
"
"calathea, the tropical plant,
features green patterned leaves which enchant.
in pots, they repose
in suburban chateaus,
adding oxygen plasma screens can't.
"
"who says ""delibrate""? no one i know.
it means ""strip off the bark"" even so.
i checked this at work some
200-odd irksome
""deliberate"" typos ago.
"
"acrodontism: that's the condition
of socket-less, jaw-fixed dentition.
found in lizards, i hear?
i would check, but i fear
i've a lizard-breath-based inhibition.
"
"in the treatment of cancer, it seems
radiation oncology teams
have a pitiless foe,
though dosimetrists know
the right doses for treatment regimes.
"
"a dystopian thinker named moore
said, ""society's future, i'm sure,
features waste and decay,
cold commands to obey,
and hot summers with yanni on tour.""
"
"to lift up, from my plate, mu shu pork,
i prefer, over chopsticks, a fork.
it works great?although now
i am called at foo chow
""mr. yankee effectiveness dork.""
"
"i give thanks every day to the loo,
whose conduciveness helps me to do
(i omit #1
since al fresco's such fun)
a hygienic, serene #2.
"
"causimomancy claims that an omen
can be gleaned if you manage to home in
on the rate objects burn
in a fire. (i discern
a bad hair day?i just tossed my comb in.)
"
"grumbled bigfoot, ""inform robert frost:
taking less-traveled roads has a cost.
the people in town
say i'm hard to pin down,
but, elusiveness? dude, i'm just lost.""
"
"""while it's nice,"" thought the little dutch tyke,
""that my finger is plugging the dike,
its dislodgement would mean
a deplorable scene,
and that i would very much like.""
"
"clerks at 7-11 are curt
to the hairy-backed, big-bellied burt.
""oh, for god's sake,"" one snapped.
""dude, you've got to adapt,
and conformably throw on a shirt!""
"
"a womanly fellow called clark,
whose effeminate nature was stark,
thought of shoes the whole day
in his cabriolet
while attempting to parallel park.
"
"a watcher of network tv
effusively shouted, ""yippee!
hallelujah! amen!
boola boola!"" and then,
""they've  announced a new season of glee!""
"
"a denotement is what a thing stands for.
for instance: to counter demands for
some things we won't do
with a sign's what we grew
middle fingers on both of our hands for.
"
"the following things one might say
as desperateness comes into play:
""spare a nickel?"" ""jump ship!""
""hey, my ripcord won't rip.""
""is the groom running late?"" ""let us pray.""
"
"recognition is owed to the label
that's employed in a database table.
got a file you must find?
the descriptor assigned
is what's bloody well making you able.
"
"the bieber's a coif certain vain
teenage trendsetters lately maintain?
shaggy bowl, not too short,
held in place by some sort
of pop superstar legerdemain.
"
"a snappish and snitty and surly bird
is the bleary-eyed, sleep-deprived early bird.
and the worms all hoorayed!
when they saw one filleted
by the rotating blades of a whirlybird.
"
"said the hippie, ""of art that's worthwhile,
only dalis can truly beguile.
their bizarreries rate
way on up there with late-
1960s sartorial style.""
"
"must every discussion you enter
have a pain-in-the-keister dissenter?
that begging-to-differ-
while-boring-you-stiffer
alternative-viewpoint presenter?
"
"for my hard-drinking great-uncle andy
computational skills come in handy:
""(1 beer + 1 shot)
? 13, and you've got
an ideal time to move on to brandy.""
"
"dualistic philosophers find
there's a rift between matter and mind.
since your brain has awareness,
it ranks, in all fairness,
above and beyond your behind.
"
"those with bluffness are blunt and outspoken.
any tact they display will be token.
they're good-natured, but frank.
we've the prickly to thank
when their noses get bloodied and broken.
"
"said a folk singer down in key west,
""derivational sums me up best.
while my fans are in thrall
to 'hard sleet's gonna fall,'
'highway 60's my biggest request.""
"
"blooming shrubs of the genus dombeya
have a beauty beyond all compeya.
but you can't find romance
via african plants,
thus my aim remains true, princess leia.
"
"the hostess was huffily dealing
with the ductal stuff up in the ceiling.
the tubing up there
kept extruding cool air,
turning tepid her cups of darjeeling.
"
"ingratitude sucks?i mean, seriously.
it smarts and it stings deleteriously.
i can't wait for old age
to allow me to rage
at its serpent's-tooth sharpness, king leariously.
"
"on the sidewalks of streets that i traipse
not a knuckle of mine ever scrapes.
i stand straight, i shun trees,
and i've far too few fleas
to derivably come from the apes!
"
"a deletive composer of prose
writes a novel that glitters and glows,
then wipes it all out
to remove any doubt
that we'll put it about that it blows.
"
"it's said that bigheartedness makes
you someone who gives and not takes.
the world thinks you're swell
with a heart that's xl.
i'd hate to be there when it breaks.
"
"said the scientist, square-jawed and stolid,
""to measure a liquid or solid
for expansion from heat
without using my sweet
dilatometer seems to me squalid.""
"
"a branch can branch out rather well
at right angles to gravity's spell.
i wonder, though, why a
branch does this? seems dia-
geotropic means ""stubborn as hell.""
"
"there once was a fellow named irv
whose teeth had a kind of a curve.
if your wit's in decline,
and you need to define
curvidentate, he'll certainly serve.
"
"so a unit of 10 we enshrine
with a special significance? fine.
but in case we rebuff
all this decadal stuff,
for successor, i nominate 9.
"
"the dissimulative nobleman, niles,
has the following thought as he smiles:
""one must always seem pleasant
whilst whipping a peasant?
another of life's little trials.""
"
"we denote certain groupings of men
confraternities if, where and when
they unite for good works.
(scratch those sundays at dirk's
watching nascar on espn.)
"
"the race has begun; pulses quicken.
at the finish, the crowd starts to thicken.
then cheers unrestrained
at conclusiveness gained?
the egg has preceded the chicken!
"
"if you pry from a pony a morsel
of sugar, the horse, then, of course'll
kick you frontally, bud,
and you'll land with a thud
on your opposite aspect, the dorsal.
"
"a skeptical man named maloof
had a dormer installed in his roof.
he'd heard a man mention,
""it's a gabled extension,""
and naturally needed some proof.
"
"said anne bradstreet, a poet from mass.,
of her verses, ""i've far too much class
to brag or to boast,
though you must admit most
will kick emily dickinson's ass.""
"
"said harry, ""these rumours, hermione?
why on earth would you ever deny any?
you drool when ron smiles,
so why give denials
when streams of saliva belie any?""
"
"we're coarsened! it seems like two-thirds
of our language is four-letter words.
an ungodly amount!
(i'm awaiting the count
from you lexicographical nerds.)
"
"down the field comes the man i must guard.
what to do but to shove him, and hard?
his free kick is direct,
and it's as you'd expect:
goal, pel?! (for me, a red card.)
"
"say the horses, ""believe it or not,
good coachmanship matters a lot.
the taking of pains
by the chap with the reins
gets us carriage-bound lot hot to trot.""
"
"first world lenders who run the world bank
(who must not let economies tank)
will let poor countries stop
paying down, as a sop
for the free-market kool-aid they drank.
"
"up the empire state building, there's
a climb of some 2,000 stairs.
and on floor 102
there's a deck with a view
(and a heartbreaking shortage of chairs).
"
"a man got a shot for the flu,
and his lips turned a bright shade of blue.
did the shot that he got
hit the spot? it did not.
contraindicants serve as a clue.
"
"first, our eyes meet; it's pure electricity.
then my heart skips a beat. what felicity!
then my heart skips again.
well, to hell with it, then:
gotta stick with my ticker's cyclicity.
"
"the biologist tests me, ""do tell:
what's a word for a tissue or cell
that's resistant to stains?""
well, i don't lack for brains:
""achromatophil captures it well.""
"
"fans of cytophotometry latch
on to cytophotometers (natch)
to view cell composition?
an itch it's their mission
to cytophotometrically scratch.
"
"there's a building in eastern manhattan
where nations send reps to stop spattin'.
they use the u.n.
to consociate, then
hit the ziegfeld for screenings of patton.
"
"a saks-loving shopper named cheryl
is financially over a barrel.
why's she feeling the squeeze?
departmentally, she's
bought out hosiery, shoes and apparel.
"
"""de-planeted pluto spins distally,
remote from the sun,"" i say mistilly.
""ah, pluto, take cheer?
for it's clear even here
you look marvelous"" (said billy crystal-y).
"
"in a drum circle, kids have a ball
banging bongos, and cans, and what all.
they face inward, not out,
and i honestly doubt
that the next stop is carnegie hall.
"
"entomology's hooey.  it's rot.
it bugs (so to speak) me a lot.
you say we should study
an insect? look, buddy,
an insect is something you swat.
"
"endangerment's something to shun,
so i'd better stop walking, and run.
there's a bear over there,
and i'd guess by its glare
it can't bear a pedestrian pun.
"
"to the hebrews said god, with a glare:
""serve it burnt,  and you might have a prayer,
but this corban is bull!
you will never get pull
with an offering medium-rare!""
"
"densitometry's all about density,
and practitioners have a propensity
to study it, measure it,
dream of it, treasure it?
normal folk fear their intensity.
"
"encouragers urge people on,
and at beverly's beauty salon,
where the signature 'do
is a mohawk dyed blue,
they're considered a sine qua non.
"
"""how alike,"" said the duck to the drake,
""are the natures of which we partake.
coessential's the word,
fellow lengthy-billed bird
drawn to mucking about on a lake.""
"
"for the plant hormones close to earth's crust,
moving up's a botanical must?
they don't haw, they don't hem,
but proceed up the stem
acropetally: apex or bust.
"
"it's not that i harbor disdain
for this technical word for a brain,
but this pith devotee
finds encephalon's three
extra syllables rather a strain.
"
"administratively, davis is deft,
and his role in the office has heft.
he keeps files, answers phones,
sorts the mail. credits jones:
""with his work done, there ain't a lot left!""
"
"the speaker wrapped up his oration
with an epigrammatic quotation.
this added a bit
of succinctness and wit,
and some welcome diversification.
"
"a lib booked a room at the omni
and emerged the next morning pro-romney?
which proves that fox news
can conservatize views,
and is lousy at curing insomney!
"
"diadromous fish never halt
when the freshwater changes to salt.
when it's yellow and warm,
though, a u-turn's the norm.
oh, they've gone belly-up now? my fault.
"
"a wife who was kind and adoring
enduringly dealt with the snoring,
till she said in a huff:
""i have suffered enough!""
his remains are concealed in the flooring.
"
"a caveman (grunts translated) said:
""my idea epidemically spread.
it was cold on the ground,
so i built a straw mound,
and now everyone sleeps on a bed!""
"
"said she: ""cedar rapids, in iowa?
never been there."" said he: ""then i'll biowa
round trip to that seat
of lin county.  my treat.""
said she: ""what a generous giowa!""
"
"consequentialness makes people feel
that they must be a really big deal.
and the fact that they're right
causes envy and spite
(which i'm doing my best to conceal).
"
"a perverse adolescent named clyde
takes his rampaging hormones in stride.
while his schoolmates throw fits,
he embraces his zits
as a point of complexional pride.
"
"by the telly sits joe in his chair
as his shows episodically air.
new installments each fall
mark a break for his wall
from the strain of returning his stare.
"
"said the chemistry prof, with acidity:
""a claim that a liquid's turbidity
will not be made clear
by clarificants, dear,
will have little if any validity!""
"
"what a joy it is staying in touch
via facebook and twitter and such!
relations stay splendid
connectedly friended
with those we don't like very much.
"
"said an art student seeking a groove:
""since constructiveness serves to improve,
please criticize, teach,
so my paintings can reach
a good spot on the wall at the louvre.""
"
"social death will not find me, i hope,
if i say (meaning excellent) dope.
old-school slang is my thang,
and i'm liable to hang
with enough conversational rope.
"
"a noted cantankerous cow
was denunciatory ? and how!
clumsy milkers recall
she'd condemn them with all
the contempt that a moo would allow.
"
"the christmas lights draped on the tree
hang loosely?so lovely to see!
but the children are stewing,
as papa says, ""viewing
is set at a $10 fee.""
"
"just listed! old castle for sale,
oppressively burdened by bale.
every dank, dark-filled room
boasts superior gloom ?
a house-hunting goth's holy grail.
"
"about it, my friends, make no bones:
i'm possessed of some serious stones.
and my daringness shows
when i'm dipping my toes
into uncharted bathwater zones.
"
"if a constative claim is not true,
then it's false (e.g., ""apples are blue."").
it's one or the other?
i'm telling you, brother,
it ain't very hard to construe.
"
"said the longwinded classicist, smith,
""the dryads were creatures of myth
known to loiter in trees.
that is all, if you please,
or i'll start to depart from the pith.""
"
"a dreidel's a type of a toy
(like a top) for a girl or a boy.
have you learned something new?
then i'm guessing that you
are 110% goy.
"
"the signs of entombment abound
for the critters that dig under ground:
thus gophers will often
run into a coffin
with signs that read, ""please go around!""
"
"a species of rat from peru
allopatrically turned into two,
wedged apart by the spine
of the andes: a fine
geological how-do-you-do!
"
"right-wingers used heavy artillery
in their efforts to tarnish and pillory
clintonistas who swore
they'd forever adore
wed politicos william and hillary.
"
"a buck is a minor expense,
so be frugal?but please don't be dense.
at the dollar store, spend
that samolian, friend,
and stop haggling for 99 cents!
"
"male flowers don't answer the call?
they've no restrooms; there isn't a stall
where one musingly sits,
thus no feminine bits
get a carpellary sketch on the wall.
"
"there's a pigment that's yellowish-brown
for which bister's the relevant noun?
and it's bistered you get
when you soak it, and let
jackson pollock start going to town.
"
"an author of recondite lit
anaphorically wrote down an ""it.""
what this ""it"" must refer to
may someday occur to
a reader of genuine grit.
"
"would eliot, stevens or pound
be anywhere near as renowned
had they frittered their powers
in eras like ours
with internet dicking around?
"
"my career as a proud enrollee
starts with preschool at roughly age 3.
later, ucla,
then a 401k?
now it's countdown to aarp.
"
"back in rome, all the catholics knew
that bureaucracy must get its due,
so they coined, in a hurry, a
label: the curia.*
*now with an adjective, too!
"
"a cheapskate researcher from kent
had a criminological bent.
he spent time in the pen
less to study the men
than to save a fair bundle in rent.
"
"devotement is what you could call
the state of a girl's bedroom wall
when it's strewn with a mix
of some mooned-over pix,
justin bieber appearing in all.
"
"here's the story of hardy and laurel:
two opposites meet, and they quarrel.
they're dually funny,
they rake in the money,
and damned if i see any moral.
"
"duopoly creeps into view
when the market is cornered by two:
a condition you might
see if clarks made a right-
and mephisto a left-footed shoe.
"
"take my word that biannulate things
are encircled by two colored rings.
there's a passion for terms
for the leeches and worms
that my inner zoologist brings.
"
"i confess to a certain chagrin
that i sport dermobranchiate skin.
though it serves as a gill,
i have gotten my fill
of ""hey dude, where's your blowhole and fin?""
"
"to escape the land's fissures and faults,
hop a dinghy and join the old salts
in a nondescript slip
which the newly coined, hip
dockominium label exalts.
"
"cocarcinogens acting alone
won't cause cancer, the studies have shown.
but they'll aid and abet
your shampoo, cigarette,
diet soda and cellular phone.
"
"my hanger-on houseguest said, ""dude,
dispurveyance! you're fresh out of food.""
since spongers incite me,
i said to him, ""bite me,""
a comeback the creep misconstrued.
"
"the word dopaminergic is fitter,
when it comes to the neurotransmitter,
than dopamine-based?
please copy and paste
and disseminate widely on twitter.
"
"the insight that struck my mechanic
was revealing, profound?epiphanic.
after several false starts
using japanese parts:
""hey, a volkswagen uses germanic!""
"
"mourns the hoarder: ""with ipads pervading,
i fear that ephemera's fading.
with no handbills or flyers,
through what,""  he inquires,
""will i spend my retirement wading?""
"
"when a youngster says, ""dude, that was clutch!""
what he means to convey ain't so much
that you thrive under pressure,
just ""cool"". (a refresher:
you're 40?and waaay out of touch.)
"
"entomologists need to accept,
when the insects they study have crept
out of windows of labs,
that society tabs
them as something on which to be stepped.
"
"as to elegance, who can compare
to that past king of kings, fred astaire?
to his ascots and spats,
we've got hoodies and tats.
how he'd look on us jerks and despair!
"
"conjunctival, no wordsmith denies,
relates to what's lining your eyes:
a membrane, not thick,
at which poking a stick
is a thing which i cannot advise.
"
"a dorsiferous fern, to be brief,
bears its spores on the back of each leaf.
my good buddy stan
is a hairy-backed man.
(not much point here, but note the motif.)
"
"""bearing cirri"": your meaning's divine,
like those tendrils that garnish the vine.
i'm a sad, lonesome nerd
with no valentine-word.
oh, cirriferous: won't you be mine?
"
"the components that make up a cell,
and their general arrangement as well,
form an intricate kind
of structure designed
to make 10th grade biology hell!
"
"for chirurgeonly, bells have been tollin'.
it's outdated; its thunder's been stolen.
we say ""surgically"" now
in response to, ""so how
do you plan on removing your colon?""
"
"""my wife is a ravishing dame,""
at best, is a challengeable claim.
reflecting on this,
i choose marital bliss
and accept it as is all the same.
"
"asked a skeptical sunday school tot,
""so was mary conceptive or not?
could she generate, maybe,
an earthier baby
if joseph were given a shot?""
"
"step right up, boys and girls, and you'll see
how adaptable rhyming can be
if you concentrate less
upon syllable stress
and stay open to charlatanry.
"
"there's a fellow who's hard to abide
who we call ""dorsolateral clyde.""
he's a pain in the neck
with a pain you can't check
till it spreads to your back and your side.
"
"how regrettable zorro ignored,
as he reached for his double-edged sword,
that it's sharp on each side?
his professional pride
may not ever be fully restored.
"
"deltaic describes to a tee
a river's approximate ""v""
that forms when it splits
at the mouth, and permits
a new branch to head
?????????????????????????????????????off
??????????????????????????????????????????to
?????????????????????????????????????????????the
??????????????????????????????????????????????????sea.
"
"for my readers, tight meter's a plus;
any slippage, they kick up a fuss.
and i'm normally with 'em,
but can't find the rhythm?
i define the word cumbersomely thus.
"
"the duchess and duke, in their dukedom,
had a bishop who basically spooked 'em.
o'er their acres of rough
went their cries of ""enough!""
when he gospel-according-to-luke'd 'em.
"
"said bong-hitting barry, resigned
to his dwindling supply, ""what a grind.
i'm more or less broke,
and have less and less smoke,
yet i'm more and more cheetos-inclined!""
"
"a dunderhead isn't too bright;
to be called one's a terrible slight.
could you bear this in mind,
and perhaps call me ""blind"",
when i stop at another green light?
"
"i'll call acrocyst simply a sac
which all the non-hydroids will lack,
and which ova pass through,
in my aim to eschew
zoological yakety-yak.
"
"for disordinate's entry, i push.
its meaning is simple: you smush
disorderly into
inordinate?kin to
the lexicon coined by george bush!
"
"sighed the reader, ""i don't care a bit
for the digitization of lit;
and as analog books
yield to kindles, it looks
like it's time to start learning to knit.""
"
"cars don't crash; there's no nudity shown;
out of windows no bad guys get thrown?
no, a screenplay must slough
off extraneous stuff
when becoming a film by bresson.
"
"the man in seat 32b
encroachingly shifted his knee?
an act which exhibited
scorn for prohibited
airspace of 32c!
"
"opt for dollarization, and then
let your euro be yanked for the yen.
ditch your birr for the baht,
swap your kip for the kyat
(i'll keep going until you say ""when"").
"
"a dispraisable fellow named luke
is the subject of constant rebuke.
yet he earns my acclaim
for his rhyme-friendly name:
a phenomenal (nominal) fluke.
"
"mr. burns tossed and turned every night,
ill at ease, out of sorts, and uptight?
disquietly sure
that he wasn't secure
till the day that he died.  he was right!
"
"said a flounder whose future looked grim:
""oh, i'll never fit in. an assim-
ilator would mark
the approach of a shark,
and take trouble to learn how to swim!""
"
"i'm a crowdsourcing kind of a guy,
so i thought i would give this a try?
open call for a line
which i'll claim as all mine
(see below for the crowdsourced supply).
"
"when a propertied landowner speaks
of dominium, surely he seeks,
with his lordly demands
for full rights to his lands,
to be featured in marxist critiques.
"
"it's no secret that youtube's awash
with clips of cute kiddies, but gosh?
that's my 43rd view
of a babe who can't chew,
entertainingly spitting up squash!
"
"there once was a time i would say,
""in every conceivable way.""
but that was all priorly:
i now say, ""entirely,""
and save half a second per day.
"
"""amphibians sporting a tail
should be hog-tied and thrown into jail!""*
*a typical dog-
matism a frog
may mutter while woozy on ale.
"
"entrapment's a means for a cop
to produce a new perp he can pop.
but i think it not nice
to coat main street with ice,
then arrest me for failure to stop!
"
"detractive means ""tending to lessen""?
like my manhood, whenever i dress in
pink gowns of chiffon,
matching pumps (i'd go on,
but this verse is not one i'll digress in).
"
"there's a fellow who steers his ford fusion
by means of a thrusting extrusion.
his arms and hands jut
from his shoulders?to what
did you think i was making allusion?
"
"""to encapsulate novels,"" said hugo,
""is a road down which hopefully few go.
take my epic les mis:
summing up this thing is
like converting a tank to a yugo.""
"
"in the tracts to the back of suburbia
lie the high-gated homes of exurbia.
if you manage today
to stay far, far away,
one-percenters will think it superbia.
"
"epicureanism's pro-gluttony,
and affirms philosophically what any
ancient greek understood:
self-indulgence is good!
(though it sure isn't doing my butt any).
"
"she was making welsh rarebit with ease
till some friends she had met overseas
informed her 'twas not
the right cheese she had got.
only england has real cheddar cheese.
"
"the cap on my chimney's askew,
and the cheeping within is my clue
that it's now nesting season?
i think that's the reason
the chimney swifts live in my flue.
"
"in the real estate world you should heed
all the laws that pertain to your need.
one document's vital:
a good chain of title?
a record of transfers by deed.
"
"god of poetry, too, is apollo,
though a limerick god's hard to swallow.
maybe momus might suit?
he's a critic to boot?
and he might beat apollo all hollow!
"
"have you heard of the chinquapin tree?
this cousin of chestnuts can be
a most useful addition
to health and nutrition?
the nuts, roots, and timber, all three.
"
"to the gases, it may not seem fair,
given equal amounts to compare,
that molecule-wise,
irrespective of size,
they're the same, but perhaps they don't care.
"
"for escape and enjoyment dramatic,
read the oz books. their style is emphatic,
their characters hold you,
their stories enfold you,
and dorothy's so charismatic.
"
"if in girlhood you read nancy drew,
this may spark a fond memory or two:
at the end of a chapter,
the book was your captor,
 its outcome still hidden from view.
"
"when you see it's a duel you face,
or a fresh chance to win in a race,
if the goal is compelling,
with logic that's telling,
the challenge you'll surely embrace.
"
"little redheaded anne of green gables
had a great predilection for fables,
but with truth as her armor?
yes, anne was a charmer,
proficient at turning the tables.
"
"if you think you've contracted diphtheria,
check for symptoms that meet the criteria:
mild fever, sore throat.
oh, and dig a wide moat
so that no one comes anywhere nearia.
"
"a poet whose status was lowly
wrote an epithalamium slowly,
till the ode-seeking bride
grabbed his face, and applied
motivational kicks taekwondo-ly.
"
"the habits a fellow accrues
(watching football and sucking down brews)
effemination replaces
with maidenly graces
(watching waistlines and shopping for shoes).
"
"ectomorphic applies to a human
who can stand and leave plenty of room in
(let's dismiss for the nonce
claustrophobic response)
a closet for storing a broom in.
"
"the landform that's known as a draw
is unlikely to summon your awe.
it's just a small gully
where water flows dully
in springtime's predictable thaw.
"
"thoughts of slaughter may twistedly tickle
urban loners who ain't got a nickel,
but slaughter is nutso,
and more than somewhat so.
(i'm talkin' to you, travis bickle.)
"
"as neurologists gather, the chatter's
of craniocerebral matters.
it's ""brain this"" and ""skull that,""
and in ten seconds flat
every ipodless bystander scatters.
"
"""with my eyepatch, i look like a pirate?
it looks sexy, and ladies admire it.
but it's just not for me,""
mourned the cyclops. ""you see,
common sense would suggest i retire it.""
"
"the ewoks invaded my red-eye
when southwest played return of the jedi?
at this cute, furry pack
may the empire strike back,
and with shooters sufficiently deadeye.
"
"as mary anne evans she'd never
engage in the writing endeavor.
no, the path she would forge
was as eliot, george:
the best goddamn novelist ever.
"
"justin bieber, new kid on the scene,
at this writing is only sixteen.
the teen idol onus
that clung to nick jonas
moves on, as per nature's routine.
"
"asked siskel, ""can ebert explain
why his hundred-best list is insane?
the thing i can't compass
is why forrest gump is
ranked higher than citizen kane.""
"
"two full chromosome sets ? don't you love it
that biologists think nothing of it?
at mixed-parentage plants
let us not look askance ?
amphidiploidy haters can shove it.
"
"a data plan helps you to get
connected by phone to the 'net ?
which sounds like a hoax
to the six or so folks
who subscribe to the hicksville gazette.
"
"explicitness, said of a story,
means it's graphically sexy or gory,
which is also a sign
of a limerick of mine.
(out of space here?i'm terribly sorry!)
"
"human beings produce solid waste;
it's a fact to be soberly faced.
but what could be worse
than an excrement verse
that is kept in impeccable taste?
"
"the falcons and hawks understand,
after fetching some prey on command,
that a falconry buff
thinks it's jolly good stuff
when they land on his leather-gloved hand.
"
"mighty distant from city folks' flops,
where the count of the populace drops,
old macdonald shacks up
in a farmhouse. ayup,
it's a dwelling surrounded by crops.
"
"discoblastic's pertained heretofore
to a cleavage in eggs?and what's more,
eggs of osseous fish,
but it's perfect for trish,
my ""le freak""-loving neighbor next door.
"
"a pertinent verse that defines
expeditiously needs but two lines.
"
"unless yours  falls on 2-29,
you get one every year, by design,
as did shakespeare. so see,
when it's 4-23,
i shall toast the bard's birthday with wine.
"
"though you say you're pro-life, let me state
that your actions don't always relate
to protecting all life.
so much killing and strife
i abominate?yes, i mean hate!
"
"if you chanced on a great definition
for food, while researching nutrition,
with a casual glance
through a book found by chance,
serendipity's helped with your mission.
"
"the first time that you taste it, ""oh my!
what's this wonderful tart?"" you may cry.
""only sugar, eggs, butter,""
the shy cook might mutter,
""but i'm glad that you like my chess pie.""
"
"little women is where i found out
what a charabanc is, and no doubt
amy had a good plan,
but her troubles began
with that ""cherry-bounce"" jouncing about.
"
"this old rag? yes, it's silky and sheer,
but i've had it for ages, my dear,
and it's nylon, not cotton.
perhaps you've forgotten?
chiffon's out of fashion this year.
"
"i had been in a heated discussion,
which was rapidly bringing a blush on,
when my friend yelled, ""chill out,
what's this fuss all about?
just be cool, man, and chill?put the shush on!""
"
"if it's  onion's mild flavor you'd choose,
then this herb is a good one to use.
it is best when chopped fine,
so the chives, as you dine,
will add zest to your salads and stews.
"
"is the number of players the measure
of the level of listening pleasure
we get from musicians?
try small-group renditions:
chamber music, a classical treasure.
"
"if a programmer's postings should lure
you to scanning notations obscure,
see a reference to child
as an object he filed,
its derivative state to ensure.
"
"a photographer captured a view
by adjusting a setting or two.
then he got a fine pic
when the shutter's quick click
made the aperture let the light through.
"
"it once was considered quite rude
if in public you dared to allude
to the social diseases.
today what displeases
is the thought of discussions eschewed.
"
"ancient calendars all met a need?
namely, planning for planting of seed,
or a festival day,
sun or moon holding sway?
though their math seldom stayed up to speed.
"
"at the derby (kentucky) there's fame
for  the victors, and all now acclaim
calvin borel.  he won.
louisiana's fine son
is a cajun who honors the name.
"
"allude to, refer to, or mention:
these are ways you can summon attention.
if it's subtle you'd be,
choose the first of the three?
and depend upon good comprehension.
"
"on the twelfth day of may poets cheer.
though they're chock-full of limericks each year,
they can write just one more,
full of candles galore,
for the birthday of limericist lear.
"
"here's my tale: a kid lacking in awe
sprinkled soot in some socks, 'cause he saw
'twould embarrass his parent:
soiled feet shame inerrant
pious footwashing baptists like paw.
"
"my asparagus bed may be gone,
since the hailstorm rained ice chunks upon
all its pretty green shoots.
yet i hope from the roots
to see violet-tipped spears  near my lawn.
"
"i'm awake in the lingering night
before one single songbird's in sight,
but their chorus of singing
soon fills the sky, bringing
much joy in the dawn's early light.
"
"the music of chopin's designed
to bring joy both to heart and to mind.
with a bright polonaise
or the gentle, sweet phrase
of a nocturne, he speaks to mankind.
"
"""did carroll write carols?"" asked cheryl.
""to say so would merit the ferule?
but we chortle and sing
all his nonsense with zing,
'cause to us, merry christmas means 'peril'.""
"
"when the action a verb shows is done
by its subject, the sentence will run
in a voice that is active.
now, that's quite attractive
and helps make your writing more fun.
"
"the full orchestra isn't arrayed
to perform strauss's fine serenade.
with some strings and four horns?
woodwinds, too?it adorns
every symphony hall where it's played.
"
"there are words which can serve as a portal
to a fantasy world: the immortal
shakespearean puck,
or with much later luck,
lewis carroll's fine coinage, to chortle.
"
"pterodactyls are fossil dactylics,
though depicting their wings with acrylics,
or in oils, or in ink,
may bring artists to think
on what digits to use, when they're hylics.
"
"many birdwatchers find  great delight
in the sighting of buntings. they might
see the lark way out west;
in the east, though, the best
is the indigo, sea-blue and bright.
"
"biologists like to detect
from their notes how we seem to connect
in ways altruistic:
they find each statistic
shows reciprocal kindness  correct.
"
"near  the paths of my woodland demesne,
down its hollows, grow ladders of green.
and on each pinnate leaf
in a patterned motif
the chain-like spore cases are seen.
"
"the race horse affirmed holds a place
that street sense can't have, for the race
at the pimlico preakness
revealed a slight weakness
when curlin came flying apace.
"
"on the south texas coast there's a plain
and shy bird, which the hunters maintain
can provide them great sport,
to which i would retort:
chachalacas should never be slain.
"
"there once was  a charmer whose spell
captured hearts way too many to tell.
yet his downfall ensued
when a girl he'd pursued
blabbed their secret (his wife heard as well).
"
"for an angel whose face can look chubby,
and whose wings, shown by artists, are stubby,
the cherub has beauty
beyond call of duty;
but i am no cherub?i'm tubby.
"
"here's a reptile to make heartbeats quicken.
it is named for a rat or a chicken?
but you shouldn't mistake
this non-venomous snake
for a rattler, nor feel panic-stricken.
"
"it's so poignant: the cherokee nation
had to bow to enforced emigration
when the trail of tears loomed.
cherished homes were then doomed
in their southeastern u.s. location.
"
"my body clock feels like a traitor
when it won't let me sleep any later
than four in the morning.
as i sit here still yawning,
i resent this annoying dictator.
"
"in kentucky, one thoroughbred race
called the derby brings fame to this place:
churchill downs holds a crowd
sentimental and loud?
at the derby that's always the case.
"
"with gray plumage, red legs, and red bill,
the chukar in flight brings a thrill.
it's imported for sport,
although some might retort
that it's really too pretty to kill.
"
"where the summers are long, hot, and dry,
with the rain scant in winter, you'll spy
vegetation?not lush?
only thick, tangled brush,
chaparral, underneath the wide sky.
"
"this island's the well-renowned boast
of virginia, because it is host
to a wild population
of ponies. the nation
each year sees them swim to the coast.
"
"when you're shopping for cars, be aware,
hereabouts they may say, ""it's got air,""
but it's cooling they mean
for your driving machine,
not pressurized air for your spare.
"
"asynchronous speech will help test
my new cochlear implant. i'd guessed
it would take me some time
to hear better; now i'm
listening hard,  as i hope for the best.
"
"sir james claims we all say, ""atlannic,""
and points out, when i'm frantic, i'm ""frannic.""
but, on crossing that ocean,
the plane's dipping motion
means, near the atlantic, i panic.
"
"had a spat with your sweetie? a buss
on the cheek might not end all the fuss.
kiss her well?in your arms?
she'll succumb to your charms
and there'll be nothing more to discuss.
"
"for this canon a chorus may swell
in pachelbel's praise when i tell
of his melody's fine
repetitious design,
which is musically soothing, as well.
"
"for the bears in our parks, have a care?
teddy roosevelt loved them. his flair
for the national park
set him right on the mark
to be namesake of our teddy bear.
"
"my father once loved his cigar,
but its smoke made me sick in the car.
still, my sis liked to sit
near that smoke, because it
sent the skeeters to flying afar.
"
"from texas to hong kong it's ""ciao,""
for ""hello,"" and ""goodbye,"" and so, now,
my dismay i am quelling
at italianate spelling
of chow, though i can't say just how!
"
"my banner is truly star-spangled,
as it hangs from a staff that is angled.
it's a flag that i please
to display in the breeze?
would george washington find it new-fangled?
"
"michelia champaca's a tree
with sweet, showy blossoms. you'll see
glossy leaves shield its blooms,
which yield oils for perfumes:
flowers of india flown to paris.
"
"the notation caesura will tell
a conductor to pause for a spell.
shown as two lines aslant
on the staff, it will grant
him discretion in pause-length, as well.
"
"everydayness applies to what's done
in a pattern that follows the sun?
which is shining this morning
on pecans adorning
my 12,000th cinnamon bun.
"
"in ice hockey, say, or lacrosse,
the puck (or the ball) gets a toss,
then it lands in between
opposed stickmen who mean
to determine by face-off who's boss.
"
"epistolic refers to the way
we'd communicate back in the day.
we'd grab paper and pen
and an envelope, then
scribble fearlessly, pre-nsa.
"
"a poet whose work could use trimming
met a hero whose deeds deserved hymning,
and a twelve-thousand-word
epic poem occurred,
which our schoolchildren soon will be skimming!
"
"since fraudulence does just as well,
and fakeness is easy to spell,
the word of their choosing
marks those who are using
factitiousness phony as hell!
"
"conferential is ready and able
(adjectivally speaking) to label
loquacious affairs
set in spaces with chairs
round a 10x18 oval table.
"
"dermatolysis ailing my kin?
that pendulous state of the skin?
the disorder? i'm sure
that this couldn't refer
to the state of great-grandmother's chin!
"
"this snake genus stoutly withstands
the desert southwest's burning sands:
through sand is the way
to its handful of prey
(not that chilomeniscus has hands).
"
"said gramps, looking haggard and thin:
""devitalization's kicked in,
and i certainly doubt
it will ever kick out.
don't just stand there?inform next of kin!""
"
"a rather precocious young lad
asked mommy, ""if hell's for the bad
and those who have doubted,
won't hell be too  crowded?""
said mommy, ""uh?go ask your dad.""
"
"my mother had favorite bywords,
like ""my word!"" and she also would try words
made up on the spur
of the moment. for her
there was joy in her just on-the-fly-words.
"
"the goddess aurora said, ""dan,
i have noticed your exercise plan,
at dawn, near the coracles:
happy your auricles?
ventricles, too! what a man!""
"
"why's that sign keep a-blinkin'  at me?
that one, just up ahead?  oh, i see?
it is tellin' me, ""halt!""
no?it's just uncle walt
advertisin'  his ""specials 4t.""
"
"the chromatic scale is a precise
succession of half-tones, quite nice
to give melodies form.
as a musical norm,
europeans first used this device.
"
"c's a most indispensable note.
in the middle, it anchors by rote.
but if it's in your pocket,
you surely won't knock it?
you'll be pleased that it's snug in your coat.
"
"i played with a m?bius band,
most one-sided?preferred the left hand.
music wasn't its theme.
it's topology's dream,
but its math i don't quite understand.
"
"at the mennonite bakery they made,
with delectable fruits, for their trade,
a sweet roll with berries,
or peaches or cherries?
but the best was with orange marmalade.
"
"angel biscuits  are not the sweet cakes
i call cookies;  scant sugar it takes
to make these little rolls?
it's the yeast that controls
their light texture. please don't accept fakes!
"
"""syncopation! but isn't that dirty?""
cried my mama (the year 1930).
in the '40s, we'd boogie?
kids just loved boogie-woogie,
in those years when we felt the most flirty.
"
"this direction could fit with legato,
or perhaps with some notes played staccato,
but always impassioned.
a piece that's so fashioned
is beethoven's.  joy ostinato!
"
"try it out when you've gotten your fill
of the season of peace and goodwill?
a peremptory parry
to thrusts of ""be merry!""
""bah, humbug!"" reverberates still.
"
"an escarpment's a slope of a sort
meant to buffer a castle or fort?
when the latter's and former's
attackers and stormers
confront one, they bellow, ""abort!""
"
"round the hourglass figure of gwen
gather nine extrospective young men.
self-absorption is not
to be found in this lot
as they outwardly shout, ""perfect 10!""
"
"there's a novel i can't recommend
that a trained eschatologist penned.
the beginning's a bore,
and the middle's a chore:
the author's obsessed with the end.
"
"a laconic young lady uptown
has no use for a verb or a noun.
the chaps who romance her
are given their answer
by extralinguistic thumbs-down.
"
"""on my portrait,"" said dorian gray,
""deformational processes play.
it makes me look ghastly,
which ought to boost vastly
what bidders at christie's will pay!""
"
"a difficult woman named vickers
with her husband so frequently bickers.
she's changeful: a dame
who will not stay the same,
yet that seldom applies to her knickers.
"
"an eager young fellow named corbett
moved about in a movie star's orbit.
when the star said, ""just one?
you're no entourage, son,""
how it punctured his pride to absorb it!
"
"start with ""all men are mortal"" and then
declare socrates one of these men:
alogically, thus,
the 9:30 bus
is coming at quarter to 10.
"
"extempore speech is unplanned,
unprepared, unrehearsed and offhand?
a species of blurtin'
of which i am certain
supply is exceeding demand.
"
"if you're driving an automobile,
awareness remains the ideal
at all times. microsleep,
for mere seconds, may reap
sudden death, unaware at the wheel.
"
"i have cause to regret the sad day
that the court gave the white house away
to a gang of sharp thieves.
for this cause my heart grieves:
that my country's in great disarray.
"
"""rench 'em good,"" said our juliet, ""aw, rench
out dem sheets yew done got theah faw rench-
in', in hot 'n' col' wottah?
shug, be a good dottah,
or yew-uns won't git yew no aw-rench.""
"
"it excretes what it eats?a great trait.
with its castings, both early and late,
it enriches the garden
so soil doesn't harden.
but anglers like earthworms for bait.
"
"at the donut den, flashing his badge,
danny told us he hoped he could cadge
a free donut or two?
this fine beggar in blue.
he deserves them: he works for the adge.
"
"from these sources my dialect's mixed:
a ""patrician plantation"" that's fixed
with some words appalachian,
a wee bit of cajun,
and gullah?not easily pixed.
"
"with rewards that don't come from a plan,
altruistic acts benefit man?
for example, in speech,
through acceptance of each
little quirk used by some other clan.
"
"""obsolete term for idiot,"" said
mary's web dictionary. we'd fed
""out of sight, out of mind""
to a robot. refined,
""blinded changeling,? the translation read.
"
"the blue spruce, as it stands near a pine,
has scant fragrance, but odors combine
from the pine and the roses.
scent and color disposes
me to walk where these joys intertwine.
"
"this plentiful garden displays
a green view that enchants. and i gaze
down the tree-shaded way
to the flower array,
where botanical labels amaze.
"
"since a pit bull can seem so immense
that its company makes me feel tense,
i think owners most kind
who keep pit bulls confined
by a high and well-built chain-link fence.
"
"think of dinosaurs dying en masse,
radar, leprosy, writing with class
by a doctor of fame.
yes, the alvarez name
was, in science, one few could surpass.
"
"to make dresses or shirts, you could buy
yards of chambray for summer. rely
on a weft that is white.
when the warp-color's bright,
it's a fabric you may want to try.
"
"when you're learning to dance cha-cha-cha,
do a latin chass? un, deux, trois.
as your foot taps the floor,
hips and shoulders swing more
to the triple-step time?oui, voil?!
"
"a chaise is two-wheeled transportation,
good to choose when you need recreation,
for it's drawn by a horse,
and for sweethearts, of course,
could provide some romantic elation.
"
"as an old spanish dance it was known;
henry purcell then tamed its rude tone.
to a three-quarter beat
the short phrases repeat
in the classical form of chaconne.
"
"just imagine his state of chagrin
when he found out why he couldn't win.
he had rhymed star with war
and the judges all swore
'twas an entry they wouldn't let in.
"
"it has teeth neatly linked in a chain.
motor-driven. hand-held. so it's plain:
when some limbs you must lop
from the highest tree-top,
use a chain saw to save muscle strain.
"
"some belongings are properly chattel:
clothes and furniture, horses and cattle?
they're your things (no debate),
but you don't own your mate.
wives a long time ago won that battle.
"
"i upgraded my cable tv,
and the point of this wild spending spree
was to get hbo,
but?my fresh tale of woe?
many shows on that channel aren't free!
"
"the blood line of each purebred feline
is what cat breeders all make a beeline
to examine. but then,
see how shocked they are when
there's a seal lyin' back in one's ""she-line.""
"
"artist thomas hart benton, with zest,
painted life in the rural midwest;
and he found he could sell
all his paintings quite well,
but the cowboys and landscapes sold best.
"
"ball-and-socket joints?they're an invention
for controlling your auto's suspension.
their motion is rotary,
and i'm a great votary
of the kind that don't need much attention.
"
"as the bugler of company b,
he played 8 to the bar, but you see,
this old joke i relate
also rests upon eight:
i ate 2 bars, so daddy beat me.
"
"the word center can mean a location.
for the arts will imply dedication
of a place to the viewing
or hearing or doing
of art, in the world or the nation.
"
"her ball joint was worn to a nub,
so the hip surgeon gave her a sub,
with some shiny new metal;
she's now in fine fettle?
with a new ball-and-socket as hub.
"
"running brightly and sweetly along,
this river is singing its song:
""painted rock may enthrall,
through the valleys of hall,
but the sea's call is ever more strong.""
"
"in the late 1800s they came,
profiteers?from old settlers to claim,
in the wake of lost war,
the spoils, legal, and more,
and today they're still doing the same.
"
"supercilious, our chief, autocratic,
will stammer decrees quite dogmatic.
this self-styled decider
(therefore, pace, derider)
decides things with bats in his attic.
"
"with a-one and a-two?doncha see?
that's how all those old shows came to be:
from american bandstand
to lawrence welk's grand stand,
great beats from the days pre-tv.
"
"when i think of the byways' delight
as compared to the freeways, on sight,
i am lured on to dare,
off the main thoroughfare,
any dangers they hold, day or night.
"
"if you're chary of words when you speak,
such terse language?which some might find bleak?
offered softly and slow,
gains attention, and so
granting less is a splendid technique.
"
"your chronography's much out of date,
obsolete many decades. its fate
is the dustbin of history:
a curious mystery
for trivia fans to debate.
"
"the chinese offer lyrical art.
their paintings and photographs start,
when we view a collection,
displayed to perfection,
to beguile both the mind and the heart.
"
"antikythera's given its name
to some gears and some dials that have fame
as an ancestral piece
that kept time. athens, greece,
holds this treasure, its mysteries to tame.
"
"does the amistad's story give pause
to guantanamo's jailers? our laws
(1840) protected
from spain those dejected
but lucky black slaves in their cause.
"
"to bond with a cat is a treat,
and to bond with your infant is meet.
but, i hope you discover,
to bond with your lover,
long-term, makes life truly complete.
"
"today's calendar shows them aligned?
07, 07. entwined
with this 07 year,
the three sevens appear:
once a century, they are  combined.
"
"could you please pass the a1 to me?
i want sauce on my steak. i agree
what you've offered is fine.
but this craving of mine
can't be settled by ketchup or brie.
"
"it's the one hundredth limerick i'm writing?
a century counted! exciting
though numbers alone
may be, i must own
that a century more's still inviting.
"
"on a slow boat to china we dallied;
i asked why your face looked so pallid.
you replied, ""it's so far,
yet the rising red star
is alarming."" how prescient and valid!
"
"when a bride or a lady-in-waiting
wears a wreath on her head, she's creating
the kind of attire
she hopes folks will admire,
though the chaplet may be a bit dating.
"
"first discovered one fine christmas day,
it's an island of fun, so they say,
set in tropical climes.
you'll have wonderful times?
here it's christmas each day in the bay.
"
"how the melody pulses, then slides,
in its strong six-eight rhythm! the tides
are evoked in the song,
and we're carried along
as the barcarole's phrase sweetly glides.
"
"if  to writing good poems you'd aspire,
you'd do well to read auden, the dyer.
he had excellent views
on the right word to choose,
and his standards could hardly be higher.
"
"do i dare put my mouse on this link?
will it be quite as bad as i think?
while i'm eating my peach,
mermaids sing each to each ...
yes, i'm clicking?well, just on the brink.
"
"finding chef boy-ar-dee in a can
prompts a joke that i wish we could ban.
there is no need to shout:
""let him out, let him out!""
it's just pasta, and not a canned man.
"
"this chalcid wasp's  larvae eat eggs,
where they live till they've sipped to the dregs.
tiny males?wingless, blind?
will be soon left behind,
for the females get wings with their legs.
"
"my euphoria's second to none
when with coffee my morning's begun.
caffeine is so quick
with its day-bright'ning kick
that the decaf i 'most always shun.
"
"he's convicted of murder. elation,
in his lunatic mind's aberration,
made the bomb-thrower say,
?i'm a christian (god's way):
baby-killers i'll drive from this nation.?
"
"conventions assist one's intentions,
and they rank with the best of inventions:
agreed-upon rules
are humanity's tools?
when they work, they can keep down dissensions.
"
"huitlacoche makes taste buds serene
in old mexico's corn-based cuisine?
in tamales or soup,
cheering spirits that droop,
mushroom-corn, in the home of the bean.
"
"""the fell clutch""?what a chill the words brought me
in that circumstance! chance simply caught me,
and, indeed, i did bow?
caved, unbloodied. but how
much ""invictus,"" like fate, could have taught me!
"
"house to house, they were clearing the street
as the enemy moved to retreat.
covering fire was laid down,
but a  sniper uptown
shot their point man, now dead at their feet.
"
"put the cover, please, back on that pot,
or the water may never get hot.
if you'll put on the lid,
though the bubbling is hid,
we'll be serving our tea on the dot.
"
"philatelists sometimes collect
canceled envelopes. then they protect
all their finds with great care.
first-day covers, some rare,
they will cover with greatest respect.
"
"made a hash of that job?it was cruddy;
really felt like an old fuddy-duddy.
but my partner said, ""go!
take a break and lie low.
i'll cover it."" what a good buddy!
"
"clematis blooms pink, red, or white;
sometimes purple?a springtime delight.
it gives privacy gratis
when trained on a lattice,
a bower by day or by night.
"
"the complaint was not clatter but clutter
that caused my dear husband to mutter,
""are these kids really mine?
all my instincts incline
me to throw out their junk in the gutter.""
"
"the facade of this style may be plain,
with tall arches and towers arcane,
or with gingerbread trim,
to the saw-wielder's whim?
all  the carpenter gothic domain.
"
"think of wolfie and felix and shirley:
child prodigies all, who quite early
with music and acting
great fame were attracting?
their hair? only shirley's was curly.
"
"in music, the second great b,
he is often remembered for v?
he wrote di-di-di-dah
in his ""fifth."" now in awe
we recall this great code of the free.
"
"ab-negative moms have a trait?
might endanger a fetus. don't wait!
ask your own ob-gyn
'bout your blood group, and then,
also mention your positive mate.
"
"from the soundboard's clear tone, you can tell
stradivarius made it?as well,
since the bowing shows care
and the strings ring with flair,
that the artist is joshua bell.
"
"this badger, of  mean  reputation,
made the beekeepers fight its predation
in africa, killing
on sight. now they're willing
to help, 'cause it needs conservation.
"
"this old fox knew a lot in his prime,
and he liked archilochus's rhyme.
but isaiah berlin
can be best fitted in
as liberty's sage for all time.
"
"as i walk in the morning, the call
of the cardinal keeps me in thrall:
it's kentucky's state bird.
dawn to dusk it is heard,
winter-long and in springtime through fall.
"
"don't badger my friend, if you please!
think you'll whittle him down by degrees?
you seem like a bully,
who deserves to be fully,
decisively whacked in the knees.
"
"in the vestibule, see the bride wait?
it's the anteroom?lest she be late
for her walk down the aisle
to the altar, worthwhile:
the groom's waiting to  change her estate.
"
"type an ampersand, ""ndash,"" and then
with no space, semicolon. the ""n""?
expanded, it's ""endash,""
a sort of a penned dash
to use between dates, and such kin.
"
"so! you found my last message confusing?
and it didn't make sense, on perusing,
to compare what i said
with one earlier read?
alter egos are seldom amusing.
"
"this small north american thrush
is a cousin of robins. the blush
of rose-red on its breast
sets it off from the rest
of blue birds, near the light woodland brush.
"
"the cities of refuge were three
on each side of the jordan. to flee
for asylum to these
gave a killer some ease,
when he couldn't be free by decree.
"
"so those parent birds pooped on your car?
feathered nuisances?that's what they are!
though you flipped them the bird
when that singing was heard,
they're aloft, flinging poop sacs afar.
"
"a centurion may at oedilph
be permitted to dance like a sylph,
or perhaps like a gnome,
when the workshop's her home,
and she typos on words such as gylph.
"
"fishy business: dependence on oil
helped the managing angler to spoil
many rights and to sever
from law his endeavor
to rule us, from which we recoil.
"
"abernethy's a crisp uk cookie?
here's a warning, you touristy rookie:
if you value your teethies,
don't crunch abernethies,
lest your dentist you pay, not your bookie.
"
"children learn what they learn when they're ready,
but their growth,  stage to stage,  isn't steady:
each new step is a leap?
its precursors lie deep?
but the new aha moment's quite heady.
"
"don't bankrupt my muse with your griping?
think twice about what you are typing,
for apollo's all out
of gold coins, put to rout,
like the former sweet sound of pan's  piping.
"
"helen keller first felt the cool flow,
then the taps on her palm that would show
it was water!  that wonder
broke darkness asunder?
the new aha moment's bright glow.
"
"my decimal keeps on repeating
its digits while meeting and greeting
its smaller divisions
of 1?those incisions
keep shrinking but aren't self-defeating.
"
"hey, computer geeks, here's my new etching!
there are some who have found it quite fetching;
and you can afford
to mount this circuit board?
fits its slot and your budget, no stretching.
"
"""anon?in a minute,"" we'd say
for, ""i'll do it, but not right away.""
so it goes on and on
just like ""true love,"" to spawn
a rough course for true lovers today.
"
"there were cimbri who lived long ago
on the west half of jutland, although,
when they came down to gaul
against rome, they lost all.
they are gone?there's not much more to know.
"
"told the barkeep, ""ah'm shtrickly a cash player.""
quite concerned, he asked, ""are you a rash player?""
ah said, ""no, you shmart joker,
it'sh not about poker?
shee mah trumpet? ah'm really a brash player!""
"
"among fishes that come in blue hues,
one called azurine tends to confuse.
though its roach name can mean
it's a bug, think cuisine,
for its flavor won't give you the blues.
"
"walking east under amber delight?
a gold sky waving bye to the night?
i'm entranced by the changing
of saffron shades ranging
towards rose, while the blue clouds turn white.
"
"the blue north american jay
wears a crest. its breast feathers are gray;
on its blue wings and back
are white markings, plus black;
its loud call can be heard far away.
"
"jane austen once wrote about these
little libraries, fitted to please
the subscribers and lend
them good books. they'd depend
on this source,  which was theirs for small fees.
"
"on a cruise ship, i met, near the pool,
a cilician.  so, keeping my cool,
i inquired, ""you're a turk?""
he replied, with a smirk,
""but from tarsus and not istanbul.""
"
"contrapuntally writing this base,
i figure i'll cut to the chase:
figured bass i could choose,
and more melodies use,
while new harmonies fall into place.
"
"the collarbone can't change direction;
it's the topmost support and connection
(called the clavicle, too?
joins the sternum, front view,
and the scapula, in the back section).
"
"with allegiance both inbred and proud,
these blind patriots all chant out loud:
""he's from here, so he's right.""
""he's our prez?means his fight
is ours too."" chauvinistic, that crowd.
"
"""coals to newcastle (no need to lug
any coal to a coal mine): don't bug ...
'cause i know this, you schmo.""
a fine idiom, although
i say, ""owls to athena,"" then shrug.
"
"you have covered it now, in the main?
you meant song. i misspoke. don't complain.
many meanings can hover
around the word cover:
conceal was the one on my brain.
"
"valedictory: that's the oration
a top graduate gives, with elation,
at commencement, that time
of beginning a climb
towards a new life, with great celebration.
"
"the clutch of an unwelcome guest:
five blue eggs in a large messy nest.
speckled black, common starlings
are nobody's darlings,
and their migrating flocks are a pest.
"
"corregidor: long-ago news.
on this island brave men paid their dues.
all across the pacific,
the fight was horrific?
world war two was the allies' to lose.
"
"they sent me to cover the story,
so i wrote up iraq as quite gory?
useless killing and maiming,
defaming and blaming:
the times called it all hunky-dory.
"
"cara's  couch was a light pinkish brown,
and so when she went shopping downtown,
she took a great risk
for the rug color?bisque?
though she knew that her hubby might frown.
"
"that is one cocky milk cow?look there!
she's  as brave as a bull: doesn't care
who she chases or kicks;
and i'd swear she's a mix
of some whiteface with longhorn.  beware!
"
"a concerto's a musical rhyme.
the soloists wait for their time:
it's the orchestra's duty
to take turns, sharing beauty?
back and forth, through three movements sublime.
"
"as you wait, please take note of the comma:
though too short for the pearl-diving ama,
in a series, in clauses,
wherever it pauses,
it modifies, keeping down drama.
"
"they're  historic, yet bustling small places?
two towns named cornelius. the basis
of the myriad delights
one enjoys at these sites
lies in all that location embraces.
"
"if he's praising your azurine eyes
in his lines on cerulean skies,
don't be too contentious,
or call him pretentious
for not writing blue. but be wise.
"
"there was a young lady named bean,
who on string theory really was keen.
then her beans, spent on strings,
left her minus her things.
now the stringbean miss bean's truly lean.
"
"convenience, a much cherished trait,
has become more important of late.
handy setups i find
save my steps and my mind,
now that age is impeding my gait.
"
"my convenient though small corner store
offers toiletries, food, and much more.
i don't balk at high prices;
the walk there still spices
my day: chatty clerks?great rapport.
"
"a civilist? that's a civilian,
and civilians may number six billion?
more than all the armed forces
in the world, which endorses
drenching much daily news in vermilion.
"
"the cowrie's a snail from warm seas?
many colorful kinds?and, from these,
just  pick out the right one
for your fish tank; that done,
it will clean up your algae with ease.
"
"this tree reaches heights quite imposin'?
tap its sap when the ground is well frozen!
seeds on wings cheer your spring?
autumn's glow brings you zing,
when it's acer saccharum you've chosen.
"
"would a fast-growing maple be good
as a tree in your yard?  well, it could,
if a clear, sunny spot
can be found, but if not,
it's a risk, with this tree's brittle wood.
"
"an augury need not be fearful.
intimations inspired, far from tearful,
may stand as a portal
to visions immortal:
see wordsworth and blake?awed yet cheerful.
"
"chlorine gas, horrid weapon of war,
though now banned, left a legacy for
the descendants of those
whom it choked. no one knows
the full cost of the woes that they bore.
"
"from his cattail perch, red-winged and strong,
sings a blackbird, who'll show before long
the bright source of his name?
epaulets flashing flame.
?oak-a-lee!? hear the cheer in that song.
"
"columbus! his day means the bank
and the p.o. are closed. to be frank,
in '92,  when
the tall ships sailed again,
this holiday took higher rank.
"
"he believed in free love, hated newton,
found society's ways  high falutin'?
painted beasts, flow'rs, and birds
with his exquisite words.
an immortal in art? you're darn tootin'!
"
"there was hope in the high command's mood;
yet no way the great war could conclude
in an armistice till
they threw out kaiser bill:
so said wilson?quite  blunt, but not rude.
"
"the bill for the kaiser came due
with the great war's sad stalemate in view:
abdication by force;
then throughout the rough course
to the next war, monstrosities grew.
"
"see him motionless,  waiting for prey,
or in swift pursuit, feathered in gray:
cooper's hawk darts through trees?
since he lives among these?
to seize birds from his forest buffet.
"
"look 'ee, witch, at me fine bloated frogs.
when were polliwogs, swimmed in yon bogs.
have a couple; they'll keep.
though puffed up, they still leap,
and their toes can charm gullible nogs.
"
"luncheon guest of a modern-day keats, ah
declined his fine borscht full uv beets. ah
said, ""call me a shop
which puts cheese on the top!""
john replied, ""you're a hut full o' pizza!!""
"
"for a black-and-blue steak sure to please,
sear your beef cut till black, then spread cheese
(""the bleu kind that crumbles,""
the chef softly mumbles).
green hills grille can serve this dish with ease.
"
"europe's primrose has long shared a name
with a buttercup. both can lay claim
to be cowslips; i'm told
that the marsh marigold
in the new world and old bears some fame.
"
"he's a blithering idiot, right?
incoherent and stupid, a fright!
hear him babbling those phrases
and seeking our praises!
where's the off switch? enough for one night!
"
"antonioni, a modernist maker
of films, saw himself as a breaker
of rules.  with acclaim
somewhat mixed, he earned fame
as an art-movie mover and shaker.
"
"dress warmly; it's starting to snow.
plus, the forecast tonight's 10 below.
bundle up, cap and gloves,
and remember who loves
you?your mama, wherever you go!
"
"this casserole's pleasant and cheesy,
but be sure the pan's buttered and greasy.
sliced potatoes and cheese?
layered with crumbs, baked to please?
make your stay in the kitchen quite easy.
"
"the beat is heard hither and yon,
whether rhythmic or sweet, from the dawn
of african drumming
to indian tom-tomming
into boogie and rock on and on.
"
"with sirens and plots that get silly,
on a cop show you might see a billy;
drunks drinking from puncheons;
cops wielding their truncheons;
and the barkeep's club gilding the lily.
"
"the myriad austen connections
couldn't all merit jane's fond affections.
though her sister and brothers
delighted her, others
were kinfolk who caused wry reflections.
"
"this concerto from mozart's last year
has a beauty that's haunting and clear.
from the sweet clarinet
there's a hint of regret,
then the rondo appears with its cheer.
"
"is your bookstore the sleek, well-stocked chain
or the locally owned? in the main,
i enjoy the fine fare
at the rhino. that's where
""used, endangered, and rare"" please my brain.
"
"cinematograph: camera  for making
a film. or, a movie?no faking!
the word's chiefly brit:
a projector, 'less it
is the show or theater?heartbreaking!
"
"""beg your pardon (excuse me, i'm sorry)""
is okay, but those furr'n words you borry,
like ""pardon,"" go too far,
""'scusez-moi!"" oo la-la,
that's such frenchified tawk, law, begorry!
"
"i'm enchanted, bedazzled with light
from the wand of a wizard, whose might
could challenge the death
lord and cut off his breath,
though it's long in the telling, that fight.
"
"because counterpoint writing is tougher
than straightforward music, the duffer
should beware of its charm?
even pros take alarm
at its tune-braiding rules. how they suffer!
"
"she is massive?tops forty feet high
in her gold-covered glory.  that's why
athena commands
our respect as she stands
in her temple,  her shield at her thigh.
"
"in coniferous forests this trailing
perennial vine keeps unveiling
pink blossoms in spring:
it's the bird-on-the-wing,
with a rose-purple beauty unfailing.
"
"if you find there's some sand in your chowder,
don't assume that it's seasoning powder;
it's from clams that the cook
didn't clean, so don't brook
such abuse in your soup. just yell louder.
"
"gas volume and pressure, boyle saw,
are always related. his law
says pv equals c?
which a constant must be!?
so simple it fills one with awe.
"
"with civilized man on an earth
of pollution and smog?was the birth
of civilization
a manifestation
of good or of negative worth?
"
"from four sources my dialect's blended,
and i think that it's perfectly splendid.
so, if you say, ""mary,
your speech is contrary""?
well, it's mine! and least said soonest mended!
"
"asynchronous speech may descend
and result in a dialect blend
of patrician, plebeian,
and old tennessean?
from old ways to new, without end.
"
"to blend is to mix; here's a ""viz."":
variations on missus 'n' miz,
and in many a word
that from strangers is heard?
so, from blending, yore dialect's riz.
"
"violinists have found that a key string
for a ringing harmonic's the e-string.
though you know that your a-string
is fun as a play string,
just try this fine air on the g-string.
"
"near the neva he lived half his life,
though his days were bedeviled with strife.
brodsky then crossed the  ocean
and penned with emotion
more poetry, sharp as a knife.
"
"when i shop at the grocery store,
i am quite often moved to deplore
every counter's long lines;
and the  u-scan designs
don't make my checkout task less a chore.
"
"i'm inclined to recline in ck
in the tiniest, kleiniest way.
calvin klein makes great clothes;
wearing those, i suppose
i shall shine in the finiest way.
"
"""all the faxes and calls streaming free,
through asynchronous speech there will be
many calls on this band.
data processing's grand,""
said the cell tower technician. ""you'll see.""
"
"cornus phelps had a horn-playing father,
who played the cornet without pother,
to whom cornus in latin
meant ""horn in e-flat"" in
the words on his scores?such a bother!
"
"conciseness can prove worth my while,
though short clauses are seldom my style;
so i write a brief line
when i seek to define
why commatic has brought me a smile.
"
"he spoke so comedically that
his behavior i couldn't combat.
each hilarious word
came across as absurd,
so i laughed at that ""cat in the hat.""
"
"""commendation?  don't want it,"" growled sam.
""such an honor!"" replied daughter pam.
""it depends who's commending?
so you just be sending
it back,  'cause this prez is a sham!""
"
"the stravinskys arrived. feeling rushed,
the cook stashed his dessert. (and then blushed?
yes. madame took one look?
saw brown liquid?mistook ... )
chester's chocolate pudding got flushed.
"
"near hohenwald, old circus elps
spend their last years in comfort. not phelps,
but another foundation
gives care.  a donation?
yes, please: many elps?your gift helps.
"
"priest to organist: just keep on playing.
the church choir's found more cause for delaying
their processional, and
seems their latest demand
is for hymn books that match.  i'll be praying.
"
"an unanswerable question was posed
by kit phelps to his prof, who disclosed
that answerable queries
he'd answer.  but berries
of razz? and besides, kit had dozed.
"
"in old concord, new england, they wrote:
now they're viewed as great writers of note.
and though thoreau was jailed,
peace and concord prevailed,
near the bridge of that hymn which we quote.
"
"a colly bird's black as a coal?
though we sing, as the christmas bells toll,
of the ""calling"" birds four,
ancient lore gives the score:
those are blackbirds the verses extol.
"
"ellie phelps thinks her pet is ideal,
for she knows what his crest will reveal.
flattened back means i'm mad,
while straight up says i'm glad?
that's her cockatiel's charming appeal.
"
"as phirst aid, dame sophronia phelps
prefers coal oil and various kelps.
using coal oil in lamps
aids by saving on amps?
phrugal phreddie avers that it helps.
"
"they x-rayed the heart of old mort: a
quick look at one artery's sorta
unusual twist.
but was mortimer pissed
when they called it a ""tortured aorta""!
"
"kettle corn chips, from kettle's fine corn
are the best, for they never have borne
any trans fats. their salt?
applied  lightly?no fault
in a chip you'll respect night and morn.
"
"""whistler's mother,"" in oils, though not bright,
is a painting i loved at first sight.
if such i could make
with my camera, i'd take
an arrangement in grey and black, lite.
"
"i contend that my own point of view
is as valid as yours, though i rue
the lack of objective
criteria, effective
for ""art,"" showing false versus true.
"
"# 5: what a good hour for sleeping!
it's the 5th hour past 12?birds are cheeping.
counting 2, 3, and 4,
i'll get up, feet to floor,
and shut off that accursed alarm's beeping!
"
"the new part that i'm playing's the pits?
all those pies in my face give me fits.
as a comic i'm dying!
instead of this pieing,
i'd  rather be one of the wits!
"
"should i pop up a kettle of corn,
coat with syrup, and bake it all morn,
or just buy crackerjacks?
found  in boxes, not sacks?
or rich kettle corn? how i am torn!
"
"oh, i love to go birding each spring,
spotting colorful birds as they sing,
but a birdwatching fall?
best vacation of all:
viewing geese, ducks, and cranes on the wing!
"
"to protect both your throat and your noggin,
wear a muffler and knitted toboggan,
as well as a sweater?
you'll come out much better
that way, when through snowbanks you're sloggin'.
"
"near volcanoes, this fine old ciudad,
where the aztecs once worshiped their god,
is both awesome and pretty:
it's mexico city,
with a modern yet ancient facade.
"
"here's your prize, with sincere admiration,
meant as  comfort in all your vexation
that you've lost.  it's a plaque:
runner-up, not a hack.
and we hope it will bring consolation.
"
"to be brief, here's my major complaint?
my  chief gripe. it relates to the taint
in our chieftain's credentials:
he lacks the essentials,
since, firstly, elected he ain't!
"
"i once dated  a young bombardier.
(he  aimed bombs from  a plane, near the rear.)
world war two  was our worry,
but  we felt no hurry
all summer,  that long-ago year.
"
"these new corduroy trousers are squeaking.
as i walk, they darn near have me freaking
plumb out with the noise.
they've upended my poise:
as their ribs brush, they sound like i'm creaking.
"
"there were corn dodgers piled on the table,
near the fish. said old mort, ?if you're able,
?i'd really prefer
some fried hushpuppies.? ?sir,
these are cornmeal, and fried,? replied mabel.
"
"can you manage, devise, or contrive
ways to keep these three kittens alive,
since their mother has left
and the kits are bereft?
'cause on endive, i fear,  they won't thrive.
"
"see the foal in the field with the mare,
the white fences, green pastures, bright air?
what a picture he makes,
that young colt, as he takes
a quick gallop, with never a care!
"
"cotton factory owners once went
from new england down south. their intent:
further cost-cutting; so,
on the cotton mills go?
overseas for cheap labor they're sent.
"
"your message is not comprehensible.
i don't get it. you think it is sensible
to propose that three kittens
be fitted with mittens?
such an outlay's not even defensible.
"
"in a fold near a cove in the coastland,
where the sea meets the shore, lies a ghost land.
cotton phelps there holds sway?
""parson phelps,"" in his day:
from his phold forebears he got the most land.
"
"for each ill that we bear, compensation
awaits for our great delectation,
or so emerson thought,
and the essay he wrought
sets his proofs in abstruse rumination.
"
"it is baja because it's below:
a peninsula paired long ago
with the ""alta,"" above?
spanish names, and what love
california's old maps seem to show!
"
"for corn pudding, stir corn, eggs, and cream;
add minced onion, then bake. and esteem
will be yours at your dinner:
this dish is a winner
with turkey?a thanksgiving dream.
"
"great-aunt philly's remarks, always telling
(to obsessive-compulsives, compelling),
are quite mad, but that helps,
since old auntie's a phelps
who makes maxims on kelps deck her dwelling.
"
"calvin's courtliness made cousin meg
want to take old cal down just a peg,
as he seemed insincere,
saying, ""marg'ret, me dear,
those sheer hose really flatter your leg.""
"
"the surf-boarders shout, with great glee,
at the long, curling waves of the sea;
and the high glassy green
makes the combers' deep sheen
a fine picture, when seen on tv.
"
"merry phelps rings her garden bells merrily
near her oyster shell border; contrarily,
she has nary a cockle,
and yet no debacle
occurs?but the maids watch her warily.
"
"on the shores of a county called dade,
merry phelps heard a saxophone played
under florida's moon,
and that plaintive sweet tune
about dade's foremost city won't fade.
"
"this snappy and feisty young pup
yaps and barks and will not be shut up.
with his challenge sensational,
and quite confrontational,
he's a yorkie who'd fit in a cup.
"
"this is warfarin. helpful; derives
from the chemical coumarin; thrives
as a medical winner?
a clot-busting thinner
and key to the saving of lives.
"
"the bright and the beautiful, all
the beings of earth, great and small,
are creatures (creations)?
two more,  innovations:
r2-d2 and threepio the tall.
"
"in britain and ireland, a cookie
is termed biscuit. when i was a rookie
young tourist in europe,
i laced mine with syrup?
like biscuits at home with my wookiee.
"
"come on in; take a load off your feet.
don't be formal?that  baseball cap's neat.
we're just standing about.
ceremony? it's out!
have some eats while we all meet and greet.
"
"this coneflower's composite, with rays?
a rudbeckia, its blooms will amaze
in their showy profusion:
when gold, a delusion
they're daisies delights lazy days.
"
"the complexity found in cal's thinking
made us wonder if he had been drinking?
details he amassed
in his intricate, vast
proposition set tired eyes to blinking.
"
"this submarine landscape extends
out from continents. then it descends
to the deep ocean floor.
there is much to explore
in its shallows, for many good ends.
"
"""a cross-border transaction is chancy,""
said his banker when counseling clancy.
""out of country, surmise
legal thorns might arise.
weigh your risk. you should not get too fancy.""
"
"well, you don't have to countrify me?
i'm already from east tennessee.
with a background bucolic,
i'll fit your film frolic:
play june carter cash to a t.
"
"he'll remain with you?lake, stream, and bog?
he's true english, afield in a fog,
soft of eye, long of ear?
spaniel traits?and it's clear
he's a cocker, this fine hunting dog.
"
"nathaniel hawthorne, whose writing
has passages solemn and biting,
contemplatively mused
on men's foibles. he used
a slow style, but his tales were exciting.
"
"coherent light won't interfere
with itself; and from front wave to rear
all its phases align;
colors never combine;
and your laser beam's pure, straight, and clear.
"
"how she loved him!  she counted the ways,
in her verse, and throughout  all her days?
after marriage, at least.
and their love still increased,
as they published their mutual praise.
"
"it's american, and, if you need
an affectionate pet, you'll concede
that this spaniel is gentle
and less temperamental
than some, because cocker's the breed.
"
"there once was a gentleman caller
whose lady friend loomed a mite taller.
having climbed on a stand,
he then asked for her hand,
as she called down, ""i wish i were smaller.""
"
"he soon compassed my downfall,  that spy,
when he framed me for theft?oh, so sly
from the day he was hired.
thus the wretch got me fired:
he accomplished his goal with one lie.
"
"i was born on a flat coastal plain
near the sea, but i couldn't remain:
i was off to the hills?
those blue slopes offered thrills,
and the  seagulls beguiled me in vain.
"
"collegiality's far from reality?
eve displays such a stubborn mentality!
camaraderie's core
should be friendly rapport,
but it's spoiled by this crank's personality.
"
"a coastal range stands near the sea:
it's a long mountain chain that may be
found on continents, and
near the cliffsides a strand
graces some?some, a bent, windblown tree.
"
"the corn cockle's spindly, yet tall?
blooms deep pink or light purple till fall.
it shows these bright faces
in grain fields or places
weeds flourish, our hearts to enthrall.
"
"the words you just spoke don't comport
with your actions.  i'd like to retort:
try to fit what you do
with more dignity to
what you say?those rude ways aren't your forte.
"
"a late-blooming student named erica
made a typo. she wrote: ""just hysterica
is the way that i  felt
when i learned what was dealt
the confederate states of america.""
"
"when better comportment is found
in the way folks behave all around
at the sites on the net,
pigs will fly, and i'll bet
such deportment will surely astound.
"
"phanny phelps has a closing today:
though the financing's not fannie mae,
still, she's selling the manse
she acquired?his mischance?
when phra mortimer phelps passed away.
"
"joe's acerbic, sarcastic, and dry?
he enjoys cutting words more than i!
but he'll strive for good taste,
although sometimes in haste:
ham on wry he will often pass by.
"
"i shall cogitate long and intently,
as i ponder this pan. evidently,
it is salt pork, not bacon,
and my spouse is mistaken?
now for some way to let him down gently.
"
"plant a cover crop; build up the soil.
adding nitrogen, clover will foil
most erosion and bring
crimson beauty in spring:
beneficial delights?little toil!
"
"the pacific coast woodlands are where
orange coast lilies, lovely and rare,
may be found?each a dream,
with six petals that gleam,
curving backwards, in elegant flair.
"
"my friend broached the topic of poach,
with a very faint hint of reproach.
i thought he was staring
at the brooch i was wearing?
'twas the wine keg he wanted to broach!
"
"conformism seems too conventional,
a stance that can be unintentional.
this way looks so boring?
eschewing exploring?
so hidebound, and so one-dimensional.
"
"these leaf pairs are fused: they're connate.
they are joined at their base. it's their fate
on this coral-flowered vine
to forever combine
in their beauty?an eye-catching trait.
"
"in the spring?never mind halloween?
there are  leaves with the red-purple sheen
anthocyanin shows:
it's a pigment that glows,
masking chlorophyll's usual green.
"
"it's the cold snap?it's chilling my bones.
but that chill's not the cause of my moans:
the brief freeze got my peas,
my tomatoes, and these
lovely okra plants. therefore, the groans.
"
"the cockles are warmed in my heart
and rejoiced at this news you impart:
but heart cockles are what?
it's a mystery, forgot?
lost in time, beyond scholarship's art.
"
"very carefully, that's how i'll go,
since i know there's a troll down below.
on the bridge i'll be careful?
i'd almost say prayerful,
if billy goats prayed; but, not so.
"
"if you see it, in autumn, keep focus:
no wild garlic, this plant,  though its locus
is the same?don't consume,
for this deadly bright bloom,
naked lady,  is not a true crocus.
"
"though his interest in playboy was nascent,
young cal left his copy adjacent
to his schoolbooks, and so
his mom found it. what woe!
much concerned, she was far from complacent.
"
"the best turkey stuffing will start
with some well-crumbled cornbread. be smart:
choose ingredients to add
that will season, a tad?
sage and oysters, to gladden your heart.
"
"i like words which have roots, words that say
""anglo-saxon descent"" and that may,
in a syllable, weigh
out their meaning: array
in short pithiness all i'd convey.
"
"a fair concept of hamlet might be
of a ghost walking near the north sea
to seek help; but that mad
bodkin phelps plays a sad,
silly hamlet, who slides down the scree.
"
"old fandanglia thought she'd compile
an elp glossary that would beguile
all the elps with its helps,
and perhaps even phelps-
es, perusing, might find it worthwhile.
"
"""the corollary, therefore, my lords,""
barked the barrister, pacing the boards,
""is the consequence following
phelps's hogs' wallowing:
redress, in a word, with awards.""
"
"mcalpine scott douglas, lord phelps?
of  the black douglas clan's many whelps?
raising cole for the dukes
who disliked his fine cukes
remarked, ""cabbage won't add to their yelps!""
"
"aspersorium?holds holy water,
not aspersions you cast on my daughter
with your slanderous talk.
she's a phelps. take a walk
to the church for forgiveness, you rotter!
"
"the botanical name for the trees
known as maples is acer. a breeze
will send wing?d seeds down
upon woodland and town?
but in fall it's their leaves that will please.
"
"georgia joe always plows round and round,
to prevent soil erosion. he's found
that, from valley to crest,
plowing contours is best,
since he's farming on steep, hilly ground.
"
"since he never begrudged me a dollar,
i tried to ignore all his choler,
though i thought him a grump
whom i wanted to dump
when vexations would cause him to holler.
"
"the democrat (mud-slinging) 'annibal
had a counterpart,  house leader hanna buell.
this republican gent
in the statehouse gave vent
to frustration?dubbed 'annibal, ""cannibal.""
"
"representative hannibal phelps
of missouri, concerned about elps
carthaginian,  said,
""show me one that is red!""
you don't have to be mad, but it helps.
"
"the coffeehouse, fabled in story,
from turkey to england, claims glory
as a place folks could meet
to drink coffee and eat
and hatch plots (thought king charles) that were gory.
"
"that the spirit's collegial implies
our authority's shared, but george tries
to do the deciding,
while frequently chiding
us all as recalcitrant guys.
"
"the light dawned, with such great comicality
that lou laughed at his feckless  frugality:
clipping coupons wastes time
(lou is  well past his prime).
pennywise and pound foolish?reality.
"
"nutted corn flakes, bananaed her pie,
gravied biscuits without  saying why.
as a cook she's reclusive,
inventing intrusive
new verbs for her dishes?so sly.
"
"his competence wasn't a topic
for complaint?he was good.  but myopic
and garrulous bloggers
said his column on joggers
ran on, with details microscopic.
"
"to compensate parents,  i'd leave,
as repayment for joys that they weave,
a brief time for reflection
and sharing affection?
just a space for deep breaths, christmas eve.
"
"for a fine christmas compote, i'd place,
in that elegant bowl's high-stemmed space,
a dash of compassion,
some love?it's in fashion?
and some patience, high spirits, and grace.
"
"it's high time that our country confront
its hypocrisy, bearing the brunt
of admitting its actions
are grievous infractions.
for excuses, there's no place to hunt.
"
"he taught us to love one another?
chains to break, for the slave is our brother.
a compassionate mind
he prescribes for mankind:
for each father, each child,  and  each mother.
"
"bea could never see birthdays with glee.
a comparable outlook might be
harold's holiday gloom
over christmas.  no room
for the bright side discourages me.
"
"""the coronel might ask me out,""
mused fiona while looking about
with a gaze not quite normal,
""and i might need a formal
tiara?of that, there's no doubt.""
"
"a  limerick, composite, might be
made up of a thousand and three
different ways to compose,
to revise, and to close
each new offering with  zest, zing, and glee.
"
"""a chin-wag?"" asked carla, ""what's that?""
""slang for talking, dear daughter?old-hat,
like the shindig, a dance,
where in search of romance
we would 'sit this one out' and just chat.""
"
"cold water! that's what has been thrown
on my plans for a flat of my own
when i summer downtown
in old london.  a frown
from my papa: ""no living alone.""
"
"mediation?the job went to joe,
and though joe found the going quite slow,
his mild refutations
calmed all delegations:
success brought a heartwarming glow.
"
"in a pudding, a gravy, a sauce,
or a stir-fry, this thickener's boss:
it's a flour made from corn:
handle lightly, or mourn,
because cornstarch can turn into dross.
"
"our american chestnut was blighted,
leaving lovers of chestnuts benighted.
the chinese then came in?
that old tree's smaller kin?
with sweet kernels in which folks delighted.
"
"this chromo is rare. it's antique?
with its frame, what collectors all seek.
in their time, these were cheap
color prints. with a leap,
a new process came in at their peak.
"
"your currency's not even worth
an old continental. the dearth
of support for its paper
made congress's caper
with that money the damndest on earth.
"
"a coordinate clause has a mate?
at least one in its sentence. this state
makes them equals. what's more,
a whole series can pour
from some authors in styles that are great.
"
"his cold-eyed analysis grated
on lulubelle's nerves, so she stated:
?you're the ultimate pain, beau,
unweaving the rainbow?
dispassionate?  more like sedated!?
"
"the cloud cover, viewed from the crest,
as the sun sets,  appears to attest
to tomorrow's delight,
for the red sky tonight
is both cloudy and bright, east to west.
"
"fatty acids in cottonseed oil
lack good balance; besides they may spoil?
though the oil is cold-pressed
from the cottonseed, best
to buy others, health-gremlins to foil.
"
"the dream of a firearm was strong
in the little boy's mind. before long
he had his revolver:
sam colt?problem solver!
he fixed all the things that went wrong.
"
"right here's where your logic is rough:
you've assumed your conclusion. it's tough,
but the fact we have eyes
doesn't prove your surmise.
we're not perfect. we're ""just good enough.""
"
"i'm only a countrified girl?
from the sticks, but no hick (head awhirl).
i like country-fried chicken,
and strummin' and pickin',
and jokes from the great minnie pearl.
"
"controversially! that's how they'll teach
their beliefs on design. can they reach
the public school masses
in all science classes?
if so, it's creation they'll preach.
"
"they'd configured their plan in detail?
laid the specs out for jonah. the sale
of their advert campaign
then went through, in the main,
because jonah had swallowed their whale.
"
"the cliff rose was what clifford phelps chose
as a groundcover. half in a doze,
he got the wrong kind,
but his wife didn't mind,
since to other occasions cliff rose.
"
"a companionable group once set out
on a pilgrimage, after the drought
had been broken by rains
during april, explains
chaucer's tale of their sociable route.
"
"reaching  capitol hill, jack  had pluck. it
just wasn't jill's day. by bad luck it
was jackie who caught him,
though marilyn soon sought him?
but now they have all kicked the bucket!
"
"precious little is not in the ken
of ken burns, most perceptive of men,
who has shown us two wars
in tv films. he soars
from a bridge on to baseball: a 10!
"
"though the jay squawks to raise an alarm
and the caw of the crow signals harm,
though the nightjar may mourn
and the dove sound forlorn,
every bird call, for me, carries charm.
"
"when it's fahrenheit 90 at 9:00,
that's when august can seem most malign,
after weeks without rain.
then, like kings of old spain,
one should wait until midnight to dine.
"
"i was harvesting wheat in this field?
then my combine broke down; and the yield
fell way short, due to rain.
what a waste of good grain!
when the thresher quit, my fate was sealed.
"
"a tactician makes use of attrition:
with debate points in juxtaposition,
qed, and then, smash!
his opponent he'll bash
as he counterpoints, forcing submission.
"
"butter melt in her mouth? no, it wouldn't.
see through her facade? well, i couldn't.
now my pa she's harassed?
her true  colors at last
she has shown, though i say it as shouldn't.
"
"conclusion's the name of a store
on the dream tower's forty-fifth floor.
but there's no elevator
and no escalator!
you could jump, if the steps seem a chore.
"
"half-listening, i yawned when jo said,
""she covered it well, and i read
that she's got a new gig.""
""covered up in that rig,
she looks more like she's headed for bed.""
"
"historic old charlottesville thrills,
and lee's statue at dusk can bring chills.
art and reason yet rule
mr. jefferson's school,
while downtown adds delights near the hills.
"
"it's the state flower of washington state,
the coast rhododendron. a great
broad-leaved shrub ever green,
with pink blossoms, it's seen
in the forest and carries its weight.
"
"your  illegal, confiscable booty
will be seized by the agents on duty.
oh, what were you thinkin'?
you must'a been drinkin',
to bring in this fake tutti-frutti.
"
"some reasons for colonization,
long ago, were to fund exploration
and send back to the old
country, furs, fruits, and gold?
then export an excess population.
"
"common chord has but one definition
in music's harmonious tradition.
it means ""triad"": that's three
tones together. they'll be
the root, third, and fifth in position.
"
"say, what is that sunspot transmittin'?
cosmic noise!  well,  from where i'm a-sittin',
those waves interfere
with my broadcast. it's clear
that old phoebus should watch where he's spittin'.
"
"it's as hard to write bad books as good;
therefore, critics, be kind, if you would?
so advised malcolm cowley,
whose photo looks jowly,
but who mostly did just as he should.
"
"to encompass the meanings of compass
(there are several, so don't start a rumpus),
i'll first go around
its far limits?compound
and encompass it right down to bumpus.
"
"to interpret this page, use the key
to the legend above; or else see,
if a word isn't clear,
what it means, given here
in the clavis?it's no potpourri.
"
"i took my collapsible chair
to the concert, and who should be there
but my sweetheart, unfolding
his own chair and holding
my place near the bandstand, with care.
"
"this fine wood is for oboe and flute
(although seldom), and, rarely, a lute.
it's in clarinets, too;
for its name, here's a clue:
would an ebony bagpipe compute?
"
"a coordinating conjunction joins two
or more words, phrases, clauses. your cue,
using and, but, or or,
is to place it before
the last term in the series (its due).
"
"the contrabass sound's like a riddle:
you might not think it falls in the middle
of an orchestra's range,
but it can?though it's strange?
since a contrabass flute's no bass fiddle.
"
"in the battle of cowpens,  defeat
would be tarleton's fate.  a retreat
made him order his men
into charging. and then,
said dan morgan: ""success was complete.""
"
"breaking down your fine phrase isn't easy.
the analysis makes me quite queasy,
since the gerunds keep shimmering,
with verb traits still glimmering,
yet they're nouns and most teasingly breezy.
"
"not for humans, is cottonseed cake.
it's reserved for their livestock.  first, take
all the oil from the seeds
(save to meet other needs):
you'll have meal?but no cottonseed steak.
"
"the cottontail rabbit looks sweet
with its white undertail and fleet feet.
but this small woodland rabbit
has ticks. make a habit
of warding them off with some deet.
"
"connie sue found it small consolation?
no comfort at all?that the station,
while the writers' strike lasted,
had reruns. she blasted
the managers?oh, the frustration!
"
"tiny edits set phillie phelps keening,
""you have altered my sentence's meaning
with that changed preposition
and comma omission.
now it's ruined?such crass intervening!""
"
"in the old days, the system for cooling
was the ?funeral fan??i'm not fooling!
in church you would fan,
as the sermon began,
with this cardboard, when weather was grueling.
"
"the clarinet's tone, from its reed
and cylindrical form, fills the need
for an instrument's voice
that's near human?good choice,
with  a range that is pleasing indeed.
"
"if you wear a belt woven from cotton,
don't forget the states often forgotten:
california's bales;
texas, tops in gross sales;
and the deep south?but never fort totten.
"
"the words in this technical phrase?
continental plus climate?show ways
we can start apprehending
its meaning, attending
to the part that each separate word plays.
"
"the coast range holds beauty for me.
its mountains look out towards the sea
from alaska on down
to l.a., where a frown
greets the mudslides that rain may decree.
"
"contentedness: bliss when one's kept
in a comfortable state and not swept
into ventures by wizards
and dwarfs amid blizzards,
such as bilbo once had to accept.
"
"in her job as comparison shopper
for macy's, maude once came a cropper:
the info she got
about prices did not
include gimbel's top mop. how improper!
"
"to colliquate means to change state
from a solid  to liquid. the fate
of warmed ice is to melt;
same with ores, when they're dealt
enough heat?it's a trait that's innate.
"
"rubbing metal on cloth will corrade
its tight surface of fibers.  how frayed
is my uniform's sleeve
where my horn rubs its weave,
on parade, through the sunlight and shade!
"
"our harmonious mood is enhanced
and the holiday spirit advanced
by our host's hospitality?
his fine congeniality
leaves me charmed and completely entranced.
"
"china tea sets and dolls were the ways
our quartet, in those long-ago days
of the playhouse, employed
our young years, overjoyed,
playing dress-up, with rings and bouquets.
"
"such a prim little plant! not a rose?
it's a primrose.  this cultivar goes
by the name of chinese,
and white flowers like these
showy blossoms will please eye and nose.
"
"this contrasty image works great,
with its highlights and shadows, and straight
from the digital file,
unenhanced, shows the smile
the photographer captured?no wait.
"
"communication by e-mail, on-line,
or by fax or by phone can be fine;
but snail-mail is better,
sometimes?like a letter
or valentine saying, ""be mine.""
"
"the versatile cotton plant's seed
can be used to meet many a need:
to grow cotton, of course,
and it's also a source
both of oil and of animal feed.
"
"contrastingly keeping the focus
on his subject, a pink autumn crocus,
the photographer sparks
with his lights and his darks
the bleak background, the blossom's bright locus.
"
"kate's contrariness didn't offend,
for petruchio thought he'd amend
her wild ways and possess
a good wife, then, no less?
and his judgment proved right by play's end.
"
"cal continuously looked for a chance
to invite mistress margret to dance.
every moment he'd try,
as he watched her whirl by,
but she never would give him a glance.
"
"all-day doesn't always connote
12 or 24 hours.  i could quote:
""all-day trip,"" ""all-day tour,""
""all-day sucker."" for sure,
""all-day singing,"" with lunch, gets my vote.
"
"the castaneous hue of my horse
turns the heads of all viewers. of course,
both his coat and his mane,
shiny brown, will explain
why i chose the name chestnut in force.
"
"bill k. phelps feels immense baggravation
when his bags don't arrive?the phoundation
report on the elps
is in one, so he yelps,
""unk'll kill me. these airlines! tarnation!!""
"
"he gave me a kiss, continental,
on the hand, and a smile very dental?
that smooth european;
but i longed to be seein'
some diamonds. (now, don't be judgmental.)
"
"dean phold called phil phelps on the carpet
and began, ""while i don't want to harp, it
is not the first time
you've been warned about grime
on the dorm rug?your room's like a tar pit!""
"
"""let me call upon all?your bequest
is most urgently needed!  we've  messed
up the old chapel steeple,""
dean phold said,  ""and people,
take note?i don't say this in jest.""
"
"circumferential! this squeaker
is a devious, long-winded speaker.
he is so roundabout
that i cannot make out
what he's putting to rout, the old sneaker.
"
"the edge of the cliff wears away
through corrasion, since friction's in play.
winds keep scouring the ground
with the sand that is found
in this desert and has the last say.
"
"he thought naught that he wrought worth a palm,
but his reckonings, though minus dot-com,
were great computations
and amazed many nations.
what a cynic was omar khayy?m!
"
"in both surface and shaft mines for coal,
when it's dug from the ground, if the goal
of mine safety is met,
with net profits well set,
then the owners won't go in the hole.
"
"circumscriptively circling the cliff,
caveman dana was thinking,  ""what if
there's a dinosaur fossil
to round out my wassail?
waft lucy a brisk spiffy whiff?""
"
"with his new lithic rotary joint,
caveman dana enabled each point
of his compass to show
him the right way to go
to find oil his old joints to anoint.
"
"what a glory it is, at the height
of the morning to come on this bright
purple-flowered motif,
with its cordate green leaf?
morning glory: a heart-shaped delight!
"
"bill has great obligations to fill
but conveniently claims that he's ill,
and he lets down his friends
as he suits his own ends
opportunely, each time. what a pill!
"
"a clavigerous caveman named dana
said with vigor that canes are a pain?a
big problem: with hats,
matching canes,  and smart spats,
clubs are out. (and that's dana arcana.)
"
"the cooing of doves signals rain,
and it's plain that the rain helps sustain
their wild being.  with pleasure,
i listen and treasure
their calling, a mellow refrain.
"
"my coral bells' summer's begun,
all their fairy-like blossoms such fun.
(an old song says they're ringing
when fairies are singing.)
coral-bright, how they swing in the sun!
"
"with a compass you'll find bumpus mills,
if perchance you've got lost in them hills.
though no foundries are found
there, its compass is  bound
to be traced with some ease, though few thrills.
"
"dress your garden in petals that wink
from their flat whorls or pom-poms. to think
that the bright china aster
could make you the master
of rainbows which just want a drink!
"
"collaboration's a great way to share
skills and thoughts as you work to prepare
any project together,
like birds on a tether,
then finish with pleasure and flair.
"
"when you write, there are ways to combine
certain thoughts in a series. you'll shine,
keeping syntax correct,
when you choose to connect,
with conjunctive words falling in line.
"
"these blossoms have shapes quite cornute:
they resemble a horn, and they suit
every hummingbird's need
for sweet nectar. they plead,
without words, to be turned into fruit.
"
"caveman dana agreed that his maul
might be useful in quelling a brawl.
though his words sounded mordant,
his view was concordant
with mine?namely, one size fits all.
"
"the cotton mouse likes swampy ground
or damp woodland. it's seldom around
in a house?has a neat
coat of brown, with white feet,
and eats seeds, insects, lizards?when found.
"
"a count noun?  not noble. its peer
is the mass noun, so let me make clear
which one takes  a or an,
in the singular?can
be made plural, if need should appear.
"
"all his shining and honored career
at west point counts for little, i fear?
for at shiloh he lost,
to the south's bitter cost,
and his name is not one we revere.
"
"that green scum overspreading the pond
is conferva. i'm really not fond
of such algae. i fret
at its filaments, yet,
i can't banish it, waving a wand.
"
"granny phelps could express herself well
when she had a good story to tell?
not always concisely
or briefly, but nicely,
with eloquence weaving her spell.
"
"for a copyreader, duties may vary:
catch typos, mark style, but be wary
of the way a small change
may a thought disarrange?
lest you face a reporter's snarled query.
"
"they've been closeted now for an hour
in his office. my fate's in their power,
but i hope for the best,
though my badly timed jest
made my boss and my colleague both glower.
"
"granny phelps and her coven, in conclave,
met in secret  to dance in their enclave,
on bald mountain, with satan,
but don't be conflatin'
his hooves with the things they at dawn clave.
"
"a palatinate county in eire
is a place we no longer may tarry.
oh,  the land's there?hard-won.
counties  palatine? none.
and accounts of the history vary.
"
"two lovely american streams
bear the name colorado. it seems
that the westernmost one
has the grandest long run,
but my heart's where that texas stream gleams.
"
"my connect time may vary. the fee
is the same every month, so a spree
on the web, days on end,
won't increase what i spend,
though my internet access ain't free.
"
"the confluence of waters impressed
every traveler who came to the west?
gleaming green, roiling brown,
as the rivers rolled down
to the sea, fully merged: coalesced.
"
"the woods are aflame, incandescent
with colors that run in a crescent
on the tops of the hills
in a merging that thrills:
leaves in yellows and reds coalescent.
"
"a cantankerous codger named cal
who wrote humorless limericks  said, ""pal,
i'm not being obstructive?
my output's seductive:
i get plenty of praise from my gal.""
"
"when the talk turned to penmanship,  merry
shyly said, ""yes, my handwriting's scary.
so for help chirographic
i'll brave the mad traffic
to calligraphy class with prof. carey.""
"
"this chincoteague small pony has style.
shaggy-coated, he's well worth your while.
note his sturdy physique?
frisky ways that bespeak
his wild home upon assateague isle.
"
"as to access rights, lawyer bill k.,
ill-advised, led his client astray.
bill was thinking of  ""entry-
to-land  rights""?not ""sentry""
on documents.  what disarray!
"
"though designed for musicians to grace,
a large concert hall wasn't the place
that the children's recital
was held. what was vital:
a piano;  kids; parents (their base).
"
"covalency's all about sharing
electrons?covalence declaring
the number of pairs
each discrete atom shares
when it does share.  the laws are unsparing.
"
"they found crack in your car? confiscation
is its destiny?yours, degradation.
they have taken your car,
with your coke and guitar,
as your forfeit (unwilling donation).
"
"merry mercy, the wife of jack sprat,
for her diet could eat only fat;
conversely,  the lean
suited jack?with a clean
plate between them, a mercy, no spat!
"
"this mint is not meant to be corned,
nor jellied, nor canned?be forewarned:
it's best dried or infused;
then its leaves can be used
as a medicine not to be scorned.
"
"a card shark sat in on the game,
though the guys didn't know him by name.
he played the piano,
sang false high soprano?
sharp cookie, his game wasn't tame.
"
"the coquilla nut isn't a fool?
fools aren't turned on a lathe. how uncool!
it's a palm tree nut, brown
(if you bite it, you'll  frown),
ornamentally carved, as a rule.
"
"to be continued... the bad guy's made bail!
when the serial picked up the tale,
i looked for the end,
round the cliff-hanger bend:
it continued?the good guy's in jail!
"
"bea said, ""carl is combustible, see?
quick to fly off the handle?so we
should go easy and try
some soft soap on this guy,
before trying to sell him our tea.""
"
"""not combustible"" claims the brochure?
""won't catch fire!""?big letters to lure
the christmas tree buyer.
that flyer's a liar.
fireproof flocking?  no way to be sure.
"
"here's a  hawthorn with spurs, long and straight,
which resemble a rooster's.  one trait?
its malodorous flower?
could make homeowners glower.
all the same, in a landscape, it's great.
"
"it's cloudier now than it was
when we planted the zinnias because
we thought it might rain.
with more clouds, it seems plain
we'll be soon cutting blooms for our vase.
"
"on a tropical mountain, we speak
of a cloud forest, high, near the peak?
the tall trees in the mist;
ferns and mosses, rain-kissed;
and the epiphytes botanists seek.
"
"continuate viewing may cause
many folks hooked on serials to pause
when the good guy has won
and the bad guy's all done:
they may yawn and switch over to jaws.
"
"i can take it quite matter-of-factly
that my kitchen's arranged so compactly.
small proportions allow
easy turns, and that's how
i time turning my omelette exactly.
"
"don't deprive a young cat of its claws?
well, you wouldn't yank teeth from its jaws:
though your furniture's flawless,
a kitten that's clawless
lacks weapons within its front paws.
"
"since i don't want this worm in my apple,
nor my quince, nor my pear, i shall grapple
with my problem and catch
codling  moths by the batch?
the bad apples i'll feed to my caple.
"
"jean d. ark was alone with a quark
singularity, squashed, till a spark
set it off with a bang
(universal loud twang),
and our jeannie then lit up the dark.
"
"in the fifties, fess parker would wear
a cap made of coonskin, on air,
as he played davy crockett
(a great show, don't knock it):
down his back, the tail covered his hair.
"
"cal  conked out as he studied each shell,
with a hope that the pictures would tell,
in the part called zoology
(section, conchology),
names of the shellfish, as well.
"
"dingy linen?my laundry's sad plight.
but i've blued all the whites, so they're bright.
my favorite bluing
helped greatly, renewing
their whiteness?a washday delight.
"
"continuedly, awkwardly going,
the cliffhangers keep on a-flowing.
the good guy's escaped,
while the townsfolk all gaped
at the bad guy's four aces?now showing.
"
"want a gemstone, but don't have a mint?
pick a quartz that's translucent with tint.
chrysoprase, tiger's-eye?
their price won't make you sigh.
cool chalcedony charms with its glint.
"
"does a club moss know gravity's boss,
as it clings to the ground, or feel loss?
does it pine for a bloom
when  its spore-tips assume
a small pine-seedling's shape? could they cross?
"
"his claim under ""color of title""
is a con; be aware that it's vital
to contest it in court.
the land's yours. that report
on his title's a bogus recital.
"
"the ghost in this box has mentality
of a sort, but it lacks corporality:
it's inhuman, unseen.
still, it runs my machine,
seldom showing a stray abnormality.
"
"this coroniform bottle cap seems
like a crown to my soda. it gleams
on my orange rc
(royal crown)?says to me,
?pop me off, for the drink of your dreams.?
"
"contamination can wreck your tranquillity
when combined with a strong possibility
that the grit in your food
isn't grits but accrued
from an upstream flawed sewage facility.
"
"there once was a warrior, cochise,
an apache, who vowed he'd not cease
from defending his land
in the west. though his band
fought for years, still cochise died in peace.
"
"my dialect's anachronistic!
i'm in time warp, a sort of statistic.
my vocab's in arrears,
and so everyone jeers?
they regard me as most nihilistic.
"
"chinese white is a pigment that's bright,
for it's made from zinc oxide and quite
a good color for clouds
in the blue?or for shrouds,
if you're painting a ghost in the night.
"
"this chili sauce?yep, it's no fable:
enchiladas or meat loaf?you're able,
with tomatoes' potential
(chopped peppers?essential),
to add zest, fire, and zing to your table.
"
"they rolled out the malls near the city,
all so similar, stores sitting pretty,
their designs cookie-cutter.
mom-and-pop shops could utter
complaints?financiers had no pity.
"
"this wood is close-grained. see each line,
narrow-spaced, crowd the next? this white pine,
from its tree-rings, appears
to have lived many years
with scant water. it suits our design.
"
"caveman dana said, ?lucy, i might
be devising an abacus?quite
a big help, when folks cipher,
which i think they would die fer.?
?well, they die fer massages,  all right!?
"
"the honeybee's coevolution
with sunflowers, in one execution
of a thesis on changes
that nature arranges,
was disputed without attribution.
"
"although colchicine's used to treat gout,
and there's hope it may turn out to rout
certain cancers, at will,
this strong poison can kill?
so beware the false crocus's clout.
"
"the correlative topic to tea
might be coffee. i raise it with glee,
since it does correspond
and has gusto beyond
any cola?caffeine is the key.
"
"glenn miller!  he got in the mood
to come closer, in music: imbued
with close-harmony's sound,
those sweet saxes abound
in romance, by a jazz line construed.
"
"at a world-famous medical school,
in discussions of knives, came the rule
that a costotome's best
when it's sharp?as you've guessed.
for incising a rib, use this tool.
"
"with stems that have many a node?
damp heathland their common abode?
like a necklace that's strung
from white coral among
simple leaves, this small beauty's bestowed.
"
"""global warming has happened before
and will happen again,"" quoth the bore,
as he grabbed my arm boldly.
i answered him coldly,
""obstructionist! go! read al gore!""
"
"from the sides of the road, they keep growing,
and the confluent puddles are flowing
into one, a smooth stream
in the headlights' bright gleam.
traffic stops. it's not safe to keep going.
"
"the checkerbloom's common along
grassy trails in the west, growing strong
near a high mountain slope
where some shade gives it scope,
as it blooms in a pink, lacy throng.
"
"cal's continually harping on ale,
as he ceaselessly pours out his tale.
he's forever reviewing
each brand's proper brewing.
at rice beer he'll rail without fail!
"
"""anglo-saxonism! that's not illegal,""
said billy k. phelps, legal beagle.
""such expletives are,
from executives, par
for the course and might even sound regal.""
"
"in nashville, in henderson gym,
at fisk u.?which was full to the brim?
in the place mlk
had once stood, on this day,
bill delivered a tribute to him.
"
"young will parry, knife-bearer, has lost
two fingers, chopped off, to his cost?
in a parrying strife?
by the magical knife:
it's now his, golden-angel embossed.
"
"a mystic named mary malone
had a spyglass with powers all its own:
golden flecks through its clear
amber lens showed how near
to the heart of all things she had grown.
"
"total cloudlessness reigns in a sky
clear and black, with the moon riding high.
winter stars before dawn
glitter brightly. they're gone,
as the sun applies tender blue dye.
"
"""the cobra plant isn't a lily,""
sighed frances to boneheaded billy.
""it's carnivorous and
hard to bring up by hand,
so to buy one for easter's plain silly!""
"
"i'm coryphodon, longtime extinct,
lived in swamps, five-toed hooves, somewhat linked
to the hippo and elph,
though i say to myself,
when they weighed out my brains, someone blinked.
"
"""nothing wrong with my stew,"" claimed mcgrew;
""my report is coherent and true!""
yes, consistent?but whether
he threw in a feather,
when concocting that stew, no one knew.
"
"in ecuador's mountains, a heart?
it is el coraz?n?may be part
of a climbing vacation:
acclimatization
to altitude makes a good start.
"
"wally's writing is trite; thus we rate it.
it lacks bite. that's the best way to state it.
since he writes so conventionally?
does it intentionally?
we're bored,  and we hate to translate it.
"
"dug a hole down to china, to flee
a canadian judge's decree,
but came out in the ocean
and lacked locomotion
to survive in that vast china sea.
"
"there's a trait that i view with some awe
in an order of birds which don't caw:
they don't have to tip
their heads back when they sip?
but did dodoes sip drinks through a straw?
"
"i must change the electrical flow
so it goes one direction, and no
alternation recurs:
my small charger avers
it can commutate cycles just so.
"
"quite collectedly gathering his wits,
when his pupils were giving him fits,
the sub calmly declared,
""time for recess,"" and snared
their affection in one brilliant blitz.
"
"there are little black ants everywhere
in the garden, and sugar's their fare,
where they live with their queen.
keep your home sparkling clean,
and they'll stay with their cows in their lair.
"
"continuation: detailed prolongation
of events, which?enthralling the nation
with the bad guy's good luck
and the good guy's fine pluck?
will cause ratings to rise for the station.
"
"would the democrats find it a blessing
if their two top contenders stopped pressing
to be first and became
a merged team with one aim?
c-and-o,  their best skills coalescing?
"
"a young girl, with a smile quite demure,
pirouetted in slippers, secure
in the faith she'd not lose
either one of her shoes,
as she danced in her dainty chaussures.
"
"the hay we were mowing was fragrant,
as the darkening clouds sent their vagrant
forked lightning, intense,
and there blazed near the fence
a tall oak, leaves and branches conflagrant.
"
"when the sepals are fused at the base,
then a calyx tube's seen in the place
of a wider construction
arranged for seduction,
as honeybees cut to the chase.
"
"he said, ""colby's a great kind of cheese?
mild and creamy. you'll serve it with ease
to the folks who like cheddar?
you won't need a shredder?
and your cheese tray is certain to please.""
"
"he spoke to me quite confidentially,
as he whispered his thought that potentially
he'll be up for promotion
for showing devotion.
(they'll come up with the notion?eventually.)
"
"california's  no island, you'll grant:
spanish maps called it alta. extant,
as the state's tourist gold,
stand the missions of old;
and her flowers and forests enchant.
"
"the connotative style of his writing,
with allusions obscure yet inviting,
means readers who rue
bald explicitness view
what his characters do as exciting.
"
"all summer, young kate would berate
her own self: ""it's these freckles i hate!
i'm so light complected
i just feel rejected.
with this face, who'd want me for a date?""
"
"granny phelps has her own brand of charm:
it's her conjure bag (mojo), kept warm
in an inner breast pocket,
or worn like a locket?
but the spell's meant for good and not harm.
"
"though his lyrics have simple allure,
he wrote monologues, too, which secure
for his portraits a name
that's made certain his fame:
robert browning's both subtle and sure.
"
"""we have so much in common, dianne.""
from his keyboard, stan spoke, then began
playing octaves and thirds
in a song without words.
""common chord!"" trilled dianne. ""i'm your fan!""
"
"although peacemaking well may seem tame,
there are outcomes for good it can claim:
with persuading and striving,
debating,  conniving,
conciliation's the name of the game.
"
"as they constellate, gravity's  hand
shapes the stars' constant motion?how grand
the galactic appeal,
where the far clusters wheel,
when we gather to watch the bright band!
"
"let us constellate here in this place:
we can gather together and trace
our ancestral connection
with mutual affection.
(the black sheep, since they're dead, we'll embrace.)
"
"a sitting chief justice can hold
strong opinions, as cases unfold.
if four colleagues concur,
though the rest may demur,
the decision as law is unrolled.
"
"very comfortingly, after the sound
of the wreck left a silence profound,
a bystander said,
""i'm so glad you're not dead?
you'll get cash from this crash,  i'll be bound.""
"
"flint spear points, collectors assert,
have a beauty, like shells.  be alert
to depressions, concave,
where the fracture line gave
this conchoidal appearance to chert.
"
"he was clipping along at a pace,
moving on, with a smile on his face,
and i couldn't keep up
with that boy and his pup,
as they raced down the cumberland trace.
"
"in japan it's called starwood: with flowers
on bare branches, in clusters like showers
of gold stars in the night,
winter hazel shines bright,
as a bonsai or planted in bowers.
"
"most enticingly tempting me out,
with the message, ""spring's here?have no doubt,""
sunny coins beckoned smilingly,
winking beguilingly?
gold that march winds couldn't rout.
"
"such clannishness!  see how tradition
takes hold of some old folks' nutrition:
they get plenty of meat
in their haggis?a treat?
but a stir-fry they view with suspicion.
"
"as this conifer points to the sky,
with its cone-bearing arms lifted high?
ever fragrant and green?
fallen cones may be seen
from its cousin that's planted nearby.
"
"keep it simple?  but boredom may start
when complexity isn't a part
of our day-to-day scene,
and so, here's to routine
complicateness, in life and in art.
"
"a cool-headed lifeguard named jule
was unfazed by the pranksters at school.
but he felt quite betrayed
when a mule day parade
lost its way and marched mules by his pool.
"
"in this bell foundry, school bells were cast,
long ago, but it foundered at last,
its finances unsound,
and it could not rebound,
since its church bells were simply outclassed.
"
"chiricahua: an indian band,
or one member; the mountains which stand
in their homeland; the name
of their language. their fame
adorns tales that we tell of their land.
"
"cut out cookie-dough shapes with a knife,
one by one?or get on without strife
amidst eggs, sugar, butter
and flour. (hearts flutter.)
cookie cutters can shape up your life.
"
"chiricahua apache fought well,
by their lights, for their home, but they fell.
all their long, tragic story
in the west (it is gory)
is now legend, as movies would tell.
"
"from afar, how it floats in the sky?
silvered island, near cloud-banks piled high!
but the miles yet to go
will take hours. from below,
chiricahua's range fools the mind's eye.
"
"the constellating poets, debating
the merits of rhyme, are relating
how their clustering sounds
induce awe that astounds,
which negates all their critics' berating.
"
"the communiqu? given today
dampened hopes for a change in the way
that the russians relate
to the west?it's not great:
the continued hard line brings dismay.
"
"california sea lions, perchance,
when we visit the zoo, will entrance
with their tricks as we view
them at play, but it's true,
though on flippers they walk, they don't dance.
"
"the confederate jasmine's not truly
a jasmine and can be unruly,
as it climbs, but its white
fragrant blossoms at night
catch the breeze wafting past them most coolly.
"
"though the cold in his head made him blue,
he decided he knew what to do,
and he blew his nose gently,
observing intently
the air as it cleared a way through.
"
"with a comforting hug, mom told penny,
as she soothed and consoled her, ?not many
little girls ride so well
as you did. yes, you fell,
but you got right back up on old jenny.?
"
"there's no point in searching the malls for
my recipe. this cookie calls for
just a smidgen of cloves
(not a whole clove, nor droves),
and it's one santa braves chimney walls for.
"
"we encountered beguilement so crass
that the sun-scattered coins on the grass
made us think it was warm,
and the dandelions' charm
lured us out to cold winter,  alas!
"
"a pass is a way to get through:
at apache pass, texas, the view
is historic?a stream's
gravel crossing that gleams
with the dreams the old spaniards once knew.
"
"my clarichord's keyboard is neat.
and it's housed like a spinet, petite.
varied music it brings,
with its tangents and strings,
eighteenth-century style, soft and sweet.
"
"two delightful young-marrieds from oz
sent me text on my phone just because
they'd discovered two new
couply fashions' debut:
his-and-hers in a t-shirt and vase.
"
"quite clannishly clinging to ways
and to fashions their elders would praise,
amish people eschew
modern dress, since they view
all such garb as a sinful new craze.
"
"quite ineptly and furtively, e.
has committed adultery. he,
an adult politician,
may now be a-wishin'
more adultly he'd acted, than free.
"
"clear-sightedness?hard to attain
for a know-it-all braggart. abstain,
if you're one of his victims,
from correcting his dictums:
walk away from that muddle-viewed pain.
"
"cyanogenic, this glossy-leaved tree?
cherry laurel?bears fruit all agree
can be edible; still,
toxic foliage will
give one pause (also seeds?let them be).
"
"first she cloked me, left-pawed, for she thought
there was reason: her yowl had not brought
any catnip. therefore,
by the open fridge door
first she clawed?then she nipped?then we fought.
"
"the canopy's canted. it can't
keep the customers cool, 'cause my aunt
hit a post that supported
its sides, now contorted,
aslant, but my aunt's still extant.
"
"don't appropriate my things, if you please,
not my space nor my parmesan cheese?
for if i say ""par-meez-uhn,""
to me that is pleasin',
and it's most inappropriate to tease.
"
"early on, was a footloose young singer.
later, june found him too much the swinger,
but her frowns failed to chasten;
time a-wastin', he'd hasten
to do just as he pleased?that's the zinger.
"
"here's a really old family name?
we are told that from scotland it came
(abernethy's the place):
but ralph honors his race
with his name and his great claim to fame.
"
"for millennia men have mixed tin
into copper to strengthen it when
they want statues to last.
thus bronze metal is cast
into beauty again and again.
"
"california? it's all sittin' pretty,
plus it has its own great namesake city:
a western small town
which has had scant renown?
but that all might be changed by my ditty.
"
"near the cimarron river and steep
slopes of mountains the cimarron sheep
can still roam free and bold.
teddy roosevelt told
of its horns in a journal he'd keep.
"
"the controllership often will rest?	
other officers stymied, at best?
with the comptroller. backed
by the board, he's in fact
the sole boss, when he's put to the test.
"
"caveman dana, that word-coining man,
said, ""this fossil bone's clavate. i can
club my buffalo prey
on the head, and that way
i can quit buying beef in cheyenne.""
"
"undeterred by the weight of its name,
flashing bright in the sunlight, it came
to the feeder each day
in its feathered array,
ruby-throat in an emerald flame.
"
"in wales, the beached whale calf?recall?
though the pros tried a rescue (no small
or trivial endeavor),
they failed?they could never
keep it seaborne.  a heartache to all.
"
"on diaphanous wings it flew by,
like a hummingbird, catching my eye:
diurnally sipping,
the clearwing was dipping
and darting beneath the bright sky.
"
"clouded leopards, so beautiful, roam
the far east, where the trees are their home.
they are large cats, though small?
rarely sighted, but all
that is known of them might fill a tome.
"
"the least circumscriptible part
of a person is often the heart:
you can build it soft bowers,
enclose it with flowers?
but it's free till it feels cupid's dart.
"
"clear-sightedly editing work
of new writers means clearing the murk
from your vision of how
you'd revise it. for now,
build rapport,  lest they think you're a jerk.
"
"the process of colorization
by computer soon brought on elation.
and with black-and-white prints
thus enhanced, i'm convinced
classic films create new conversation.
"
"the east indian coralwood tree:
a legume with red seeds that could be,
in a tropical clime,
a good choice as your prime
ornamental, quite lovely to see.
"
"an adulterating substance is one
that contaminates. no, there is none
so despicable as
the vile person who has
been adulterating ... such i would shun!
"
"the long ranges in chains that cascade?
the high peaks, with their valleys, arrayed
in this view from the air
are so massive we stare
at the broad cordillera displayed.
"
"hemophiliacs' blood fails to clot:
there are factors their blood has not got.
coagulation is aided
by ions, evaded
when fibrinogen's not in the lot.
"
"silky cotton grass, tufts that allure,
white and fluffy, on many a moor
within boreal spaces,
like peat bogs, and places
where acid soils help it endure.
"
"this colorate cloth is a steal?
comes in blue or in red?and i feel
that the blue suits you well
and would make you the belle
of the ball. colored gowns have appeal.
"
"the cloud-covered bowl near the peak
made us think of returning next week
for a view of the lake?
much enjoyment at stake?
because crater lake's blue is unique.
"
"""it's a most circumnavigable isle,
and i'm sure we'll sail round it in style,""
cried bill to his mother,
whose views were quite other
of nautical bill and his guile.
"
"the encompassing waters made noah
glad he'd listened to god. protozoa
round the ark might be swimming
(the circumfluence brimming),
but he had a snug place for the boa.
"
"cal didn't intend to cop out
when he caved in to callie about
quitting school. he has had
a hard time?single dad,
and his daughter's a winsome young sprout.
"
"""well, i  cannot get through to my callie,""
said cal to camellia. ""she'll dally
and not come when i call?
there's a great chinese wall
that's between us. i'm up a blind alley.""
"
"miss camellia told cal, ""it won't do
to let callie quit school?and from you,
no excuses or cop-outs!
you know that a drop-out's
opportunities here will be few.""
"
"that bus over there from daytona
is a chatterer, bone-shaker, groaner.
such a rattly, rough ride
i could never abide
all the way to queen creek, arizona.
"
"as for steak, let me state my belief
in the choiceness of prime angus beef.
among kinds you can buy
in the market, my eye
ranks it better than choice?aye, it's chief!
"
"there were church bells for services ringing
on a hill in the cotswolds and bringing
to housman a rhyme:
many hearts still keep time
to his bredon hill sadness and singing.
"
"named apache by spaniards, this way
(called a pass) through the mountains still may
enchant travelers who go
where its spring-waters flow,
at the crossroads of history, today.
"
"""it is colorable,"" cried billy k.,
in his blustery phelpsian way.
""under color of law,
you have rights here.  i'll draw
up a plausible case, and today.""
"
"lovely, low-growing shrub from australia,
the coral gem's not an azalea?
grevillea's the genus?
and strictly between us,
for flowers, it outshines the vidalia.
"
"with efforts concerted, they tried
to defeat the bad bill?sweep aside
the majority's vote?
and, together, to float
an amendment, thus turning the tide.
"
"""such corkiness! what's its locale?""
asks corrina, a guest and cal's pal.
cocky cal's cornish wine
(ordered cheaply on-line)
tastes to her like a sewage canal.
"
"chiapas, in mexico, may
have a future that's bright; but the way
is to treat people well?
not exploit those who dwell,
as poor peasants, in shoeless dismay.
"
"collared peccaries near the cantina
bore the southwestern name javelina.
not expecting a boar,
my bar buddies all swore
i should slop those wild hogs with farina.
"
"the bright-colored seeds of the tree
called the coral bean (family of pea)
are quite poisonous. still,
sunrise panicles will
delight people and birds, all agree.
"
"embarrassment? not apropos.
a man's shocked, and his clothing's aglow,
plus his heart's fibrillation
means he's lost all sensation.
abashedness? let the louts crow.
"
"because of the tufts on his crown,
this small titmouse deserves some renown,
for these feathers, in birds,
are called cirrous?the word's
reminiscent of cloud-wisps blown down.
"
"aransas pass leads to a bay
on the texas gulf coast.  every day,
in a salt-water file,
ships will pass mustang isle
to the south; to the north, san jos?.
"
"the coralroot orchid has roots
coral-shaped, coral-colored, and shoots
naked-stemmed to its blooms,
while below ground it rooms
with some fungi, whose larder it loots.
"
"chiapanecas,  a dance,  at a glance,
will enchant?all your senses entrance.
when the women and girls
take three-quarter-time twirls,
join the clapping?the music enhance.
"
"""connate water,"" said nate, ""lies below,
trapped in sediments formed long ago,
and it may be quite briny,
in pores that are tiny.
we can measure this dense h2o.""
"
"the canadian yew, darkly green,
may be seen in a northern ravine,
in damp woodlands?such places?
where birdlife leaves traces
that arils have brightened their scene.
"
"the hood of her cloak, corollaceous,
made a frame for her face, like a spacious
arrangement of petals,
sun-warmed, when dusk settles
on a moonflower's bloom, softly gracious.
"
"""i require you to act more compliantly,""
said the pontifex rex, self-reliantly.
his bearing resembled,
to the cave clan assembled,
a priest's, but they faced him defiantly.
"
"this part of the flower has its own
showy beauty in petals, new-blown
inner perianth's glow:
it's corollate, and so,
fused or rayed,  a bright circlet is shown.
"
"did the venerable bede wear a cloke
or did chaucer its merits invoke
as preferred outdoor wear?
well, i'm loathe to compare,
since, of old, folks spelled just as they spoke.
"
"this fine eighteenth-century chair
has a bell seat, and you may compare
its seat (shaped like a bell)
to the others we sell,
but you'll note it is not a berg?re.
"
"extra mirrors will focus the light
from the primary mirror each night:
it's a way called coud?
that a slitted array
can shunt light from the stars?line-of-sight.
"
"he's a fine cotswold ram, and he'll share
curly fleece in soft shearings.  compare
snowy white to warm gray?
it's your choice, and folks say,
that this scion is a cotswold lion's heir.
"
"in flower arranging, a sheer
spray of cloud grass will often appear
in dried floral bouquets:
and its delicate haze
will enhance garden ways that are sere.
"
"a rare kind of red fox brought a thrill
in the hillside's blue dusk.  i stood still
when his silver-black fur
graced the woods where we were,
as the hungry black fox stalked his kill.
"
"black bean aphids may overhear rants:
people hate the black swarm on their plants?
many kinds, bean and beet?
but the ants find them sweet:
they're the cows of the black garden ants.
"
"let us join in an airy ballet,
fellow water drops. follow?this way!
here's a sky that needs clouding,
the stars to be shrouding?
coalesce! we'll make bright into gray.
"
"my little bowed psaltery's a treat,
melodically quite hard to beat.
with four strings, and the bow
set aslant them, just so,
gently bowing, my scale i'll complete.
"
"akhmatova: ""soul of the age
of silver"" in russia?the gauge
of courage in writing,
with poems inviting
the heart to think long on this sage.
"
"a blue-ribbon recipe, found
whenever french cooking's around,
is the stuffed chicken breast:
ham and cheese work the best
to make compliments sound and resound.
"
"as vice president, proud of his station,
he built on this flimsy foundation:
ends will justify means
since no law intervenes,
and we'll found an imperial nation.
"
"a blue cat,  from a river or lake,
is what folks who love fish fries can take
as the start of a party.
for appetites hearty,
fried catfish?the best you can make!
"
"the outlook on housing is clouded?
the foreseeable future quite shrouded:
uncertainty reigns,
since ?subprime? brought its pains,
and the list of foreclosures seems crowded.
"
"epilobium canum, it's said,
is the hummingbird flower. though deer tread
near its foliage, it's stout,
and it tolerates drought.
(there's a cultivar named ghostly red.)
"
"there are voters?some calm, some irate?
u.s. citizens all,  who can't wait
to be voting for hillary
(whom others may pillory):
she'll be great as our new head of state.
"
"changing keys via chords?modulation?
can be done with a pivot. creation
of music is tricky
(some critics are picky):
modulation can make for frustration.
"
"when we hold things in common, we share:
common views; mutual traits that we bear?
as in music, some keys
use the same chords, and these,
as they're shared, are the keys' common fare.
"
"with clear-sighted presence of mind,
all the clan, seeing plainly the bind
ken was putting them in,
told his kith and his kin
that an exile for ken would be kind.
"
"""avignon is the place ken must go,""
said the shaman, ""as facts plainly show.""
and his clear-eyed decree
suited all to a t:
thus the pontifex rex was brought low.
"
"first choice for a dry, shady lawn,
chewings fescue has long undergone,
without dying, a drought.
add some  bluegrass?a stout
and green turf will be yours on and on.
"
"that live wire?downed and sparking?can burn you,
but of course, that won't really concern you,
nor high voltage's clout
rouse your fears. i've no doubt
when it floors you, you'll laugh and cry, ""durn you!""
"
"a victim of blackwater makes
darkened urine, has fever, and aches.
the word also means waste-
water?viewed with distaste,
as are blackwater's current mistakes.
"
"if your setter is chewing your sweater,
bitter apple might help make things better:
it's the colocynth fruit?
shakespeare knew its repute,
and the ancients its use, to the letter.
"
"he began his novella, a conte,
with the setting, a place that we don't
really see. and quite short
ran the tale, to comport
with a ""dark, stormy night""?snoopy's wont.
"
"burns me up, and i feel like a ninny
when i'm angry at drivers (so many)
who will roll past a sign
that says ""stop""?cross the line,
risking lives, although not in kilkenny.
"
"as the constellated lights on the hill
glow in clusters, the architects' skill
is displayed, and the peak
in blue dusk stands unique,
with its sky-rising buildings that thrill.
"
"caveman dana replied to the guy
who informed him he had to comply
with commandments agin
his inventions, ""well,  ken,
i'm dispensified, straight from on high.""
"
"forty-five! it was baylor's great year,
when in texas he crowned his career
as a statesman by founding
a school that's still sounding
the praise of a staunch pioneer.
"
"ferrous water imparts a foul flavor,
so if that's what you're offered, don't waver.
chalybeate springs are, of course,
an ""iron water"" source,
with a taste that few drinkers would favor.
"
"a cornerstone's often displayed
on a building, and when it is laid,
ceremonial acts
(speeches chock full of facts)
may take place, and perhaps a parade.
"
"""vote for chelsea's mom!""  granny said that,
as i helped make this poster.  i sat
on the floor?mama, too?
fingerpainting in blue:
see the paw prints of socksie, our cat?
"
"an astonishing backflow: the lake
swirled down to the mine.  in its wake,
the delcambre canal
then rushed in. that locale
was transformed by a backward mistake.
"
"as tall as a chimney? not quite.
but this plant is so closely bedight
with blue bells, when it flowers,
that the steeple bells' hours
seem to ring in one's ears at first sight.
"
"a chafer's a beetle, egyptian,
or english, perhaps. its description?
a large bug that flies?
fits the scarab, whose ties
link it back to a jewelled inscription.
"
"that plotter and schemer conspired
to smear his opponent. he hired
a professional liar
to write ads and acquire
coconspirators?all they desired.
"
"""the bells of st. mary's"" enthralls.
when i hear the word bell, it recalls
my dear waspy-type kin
singing this old song when
their fine catholic taste brightened our halls.
"
"""your compulsative terms are not binding
on our clan,"" remarked dana, reminding
pontiff ken and all present
they'd find it unpleasant
under ken?and both blinding and grinding.
"
"thirteen feet in five lines.  that's what's owed
to a limerick's poetical code:
rhymes are matched, three and two,
teamed to anapests.  through
careful  crafting new meaning's bestowed.
"
"""classifying's forbidden, old shaman,""
pontiff ken said, ""since you are no brahman.
putting fossils in slots,
sorting monkeypod lots,
just won't do, so hand over the zaman.""
"
"clarinetists are not hard to find.
but a good player? two strike my mind:
the jazz clarinet
of bill smith swings, and yet,
it's to goodman, the king, i'm inclined.
"
"coded angler, he's now holding sway:
angler cheney has angled his way
to our present dark hour.
he has wangled vast power?
a fishy vp rules the day.
"
"bush's brain is one name for karl rove,
and when push comes to shove, well, this cove
does for bushies his best,
writing speeches. the rest
can be seen in the evils he wove.
"
"cort?z?was he actually stout?
he conquered the aztecs?no doubt?
and was brave in his way,
helping spain to hold sway
in the new world, his foes put to rout.
"
"when employing this word, be specific,
for the fish has a name scientific,
and the wind blows two ways.
but chinookans?their days
have been spent near the u.s. pacific.
"
"ingmar bergman, a master of art,
seen in films that came straight from his heart:
all the fire of his life,
fraught with gloom and with strife,
had sunk low?it was time to depart.
"
"some artists once banded as one,
in new york, and the project begun
was the aws.
today's members assess
watercolors as art and as fun.
"
"45?  then try colt 45!
one good swig and you'll know you're alive?
or so says this malt liquor?
though a gun might work quicker,
why not chug down six cans and then drive!
"
"i exclaimed, ""it is just as i feared:
there's a tree with the name old man's beard,
and lear's limerick is true,
though an avian crew
in this fringe tree has not yet appeared.""
"
"george gordon, lord byron, once wrote
at great length on don juan, and i quote:
""a hero ...[a] true one...
our [old] friend don juan ...""
will serve my own rhymes to promote.
"
"recounted in story and song,
are gallipoli's tales that belong
to the anzacs who fought
and, in dying there, brought
to their nations a pride that's still strong.
"
"though it's scotland i'm longing to see,
ma best schemes gang awry and agley,
for like burns's wee mouse
i must see to ma hoose,
while wee burns in the lowlands gang free.
"
"""lifting barbells has helped us to fame,""
said some girls who had gained wide acclaim
as a basketball team.
when you're strong, then your dream
can come true?it's the heart of the game.
"
"""it's bright walnut""?guitarists in session
tell the meaning of claro, to freshen
its image, now crossed
into english and glossed,
""clearly so,"" an old spanish expression.
"
"in all the world's chemistry classes
you will see charles's law explain gases:
v increases with t,
t decreases with v,
when the pressure unchanged on the mass is.
"
"the governor, felix, heard paul
preach the way and replied, ""i will call
to hear more, but right now?
not convenient."" somehow,
in his fear, he came up with that stall.
"
"""don't fret over clothes"" is concealed
in ""consider the lilies""?the field
where they toil not nor spin.
think on that, if you'd win
more than solomon's glory revealed.
"
"""go ye therefore and preach to creation
the good news that i offer salvation;
baptize the believers.""
(they went?great achievers.)
""i've commissioned you: teach every nation.""
"
"john the baptist, a prophet, once said
that the king broke the law, so john's head
on a charger was brought,
even though herod thought
it was sad that the prophet was dead.
"
"the cat flea is black, and it's small.
it will dine on its host and then fall
to its lair in the floor,
where the eggs lie in store,
and the adults await a warm call.
"
"there's a lighthouse, we know, at nantucket,
but the airfield? now where did they tuck it?
well, it's ackerley, ack,
and so far, no attack?
but security might check your bucket.
"
"it's a creek,  or a brook, or a kill,
or a run in the sun. what a thrill,
as i watch its bright journey?
this wee bubbling burnie?
toward a loch near a green scottish hill!
"
"if you're constant, unchanging and true,
little number, then we can use you
for molecular counting
(avogadro's), amounting
to accounting in atomic milieu.
"
"little bean beetle, lovely and spotted,
please depart from my plants. i've now plotted,
since your ways are so shady,
pretty bug of a lady,
your demise, 'coz my soybeans have rotted.
"
"john keats phelps didn't wear any cleats,
nor in football accomplish great feats?
born on all hallows' eve,
he could never conceive
of just why he'd been christened john keats.
"
"whistler's portrait depicts this great writer
dressed in solemn black clothes. there's no brighter
than carlyle from their age
(thinker, critic, and sage),
and that high collar couldn't be whiter.
"
"god almighty: creator of time,
and of space, and of life, and of slime
from which we then arose?
and we work. that fact shows
he's omnificent, great, and sublime.
"
"among bigoted people, don't panic.
though they mock every word that's hispanic,
just consider the source.
their intolerant force
can be downed, like a punctured titanic.
"
"when i'm here, but my dearest is yonder,
i am always reminded to ponder
the consoling clich?:
if your soulmate's away,
then your heart, blessed with absence, grows fonder.
"
"the medical texts, i deplored.
even worse were the boards i abhorred.
but the worst of my training,
which peaked my complaining:
tuition i couldn't afford.
"
"i hate pushy salesmen who keep
selling crap on the phone that is cheap,
so i'll just let my answerin'
machine screen this cancer in
messages after the beep.
"
"what's an agger? i'll give you a guide:
far and wide also called double tide.
it could climb and then fall,
then rise over the wall?
or go down, rise a bit, then subside.
"
"in the world of the deer, size does matter,
so bucks grow large antlers to batter
and vanquish their foes
and impress comely does.
a nice rack makes their hearts pitter-patter.
"
"in writing this latest submission,
i wanted a brief definition.
not everyone knows
what it means to appose:
to place things in juxtaposition.
"
"it was worse than a shocking alarm clock
as that giant and lacking-in-charm jock
took my arm 'round my back
in a sudden attack
and restrained me, in pain, in an armlock.
"
"have mildred make trips to the bank;
give ledgers to balance to frank.
you can have the last laugh
when you allocate staff;
it's a perk of superior rank.
"
"on rainy and bleak afternoons
i draw animated cartoons.
but unlike films renowned,
mine don't have any sound,
so i write all the words in balloons.
"
"i've been cursed since my days in the womb,
for one day i'll end up in a tomb.
yes, indeed, i shall die,
like everyone. my
accursedness? simply my doom.
"
"with a harp and a halo endowed,
he belongs to a heavenly crowd.
this angelical soul,
in a guardian role,
watches all from above on a cloud.
"
"an addict is likely to be
an over-the-top devotee,
like the poets who write
lim'rick verse day and night
to define every word, a to z!
"
"two antennas went out on a date,
then decided to wed.  it was fate!
though the guests of this pair
thought the wedding was fair,
all agreed the reception was great!
"
"in ann arbor, the wolverines true
hail to victors and holler, ""go blue!""
they detest the mere sight
of their foes' green and white.
cheer them on as they fight msu!
"
"amoeboid things look rather strange
(some you have to inspect at close range).
see them jiggle and flow
as they wiggle and go,
with irregular shapes that can change.
"
"take afro- and add asiatic:
this family of tongues is emphatic.
subfamilies: semitic,
and also cushitic,
egyptian, and berber, and chadic.
"
"apoca- and lyptic, combined,
can describe an event that i find
disturbing and chilling
and terror-instilling:
the end of the world and mankind.
"
"the practice of living austerely:
contented surviving with merely
the simplest of things,
not the grandeur of kings.
in the case of ascetics, severely.
"
"at the top of the coaster's first hill,
my excitement and hunger for thrill
turned to illness and grief.
now i will need relief,
like a good antinausea pill.
"
"it's a phrase that i praise, as should you:
""et cetera, et cetera"" will do
to be sure ""and the rest""
is succinctly expressed.
""and so on, and so forth"" works too.
"
"i've forgotten a word that is small,
meaning ""any ol' person at all.""
on the tip of my brain,
it just drives me insane.
can anyone help me recall?
"
"a tuckered-out tourist named todd
took a rest near a building's facade:
""i need shade for a spell,
'cause it's hotter than hell.
ah, these windows are awninged, thank god!""
"
"with my right hand, i hammered and drilled
'til the muscles and joints flat-out killed.
so i switched to my left,
'cause with both i am deft.
see, i'm most ambidextrously skilled.
"
"the azuero peninsula, pal,
is a tropical distant locale
to the west and the south
of the southernmost mouth
of panama's famous canal.
"
"this everyday verse i'm submittin'
may never have virtues befittin'
the status ""approved,""
and it might get removed,
since it's awfully awkwardly written.
"
"my bedroom was terribly messed.
but ""mom doesn't know,"" i had guessed.
i was wrong; 'twas my doom
when she yelled, ""clean your room!""
well, i pouted, but then acquiesced.
"
"as a sponge, i derive quite a thrill
from the things that you spatter and spill.
i just can't get enough
of absorbable stuff,
so please wring me if ever i fill.
"
"sometimes artfulness shows that you're wily;
you take pleasure in doing things slyly.
but it also can mean
that you're skillful and keen
at performing, with talent, quite highly.
"
"sir, you need to relax and just chill;
it is only a small dental drill.
it will not be your death.
please just take a deep breath
and this antianxiety pill.
"
"as of late, i have rarely been cheerful,
and at moments i border on tearful.
my life is a mess;
i am riddled with stress.
i am anxious; i'm worried; i'm fearful.
"
"to the whooping crane (avian elite),
and to egrets and geese, it's a sweet
coastal site to delight
all wild hearts day and night
at aransas,  their winter retreat.
"
"""dan and anna, why pick corsicana?
it's a long way from our indiana.""
""prime fishing there, bo,
and our hearts are aglow
that the transfer makes dan top banana.""
"
"agriculturally, oil fits the case
of industrial farming.  who'd face,
with no tractor, his work
on the farm and not shirk?
oil is vital and hard to replace.
"
"this rocket's no sleek cold war missile,
and its arctic sea blossoms aren't fissile.
an icelandic small flower,
from the beach, not the bower,
its wild blooms are as lovely as thistle.
"
"the accedence of congress?dismaying!
their consent, once again, is conveying
that the hard white house line
was, to their minds,  just fine:
therefore, on with the torture and slaying.
"
"the christmas flower cheers at first sight.
scarlet bracts that are showy and bright,
round their gold inflorescence,
comprise the quintessence
of seasonal warmth and delight.
"
"barely clipping the tops of the trees,
skimming low on bright wings, he'll reprise
his loud song on the wing:
it's the mockingbird's thing?
diving down, winging up in the breeze.
"
"if a cod worked on codification
of fish food?its systemization?
would he classify worms
with a tadpole that squirms
among rations he'd greet with elation?
"
"a new bed cover's sure to impress
all my in-laws, who think i'm a mess.
for this bedspread's handmade?
my own mother crocheted
every rosebud and leaf with finesse.
"
"a curmudgeon quite tellingly chid
his relations whose manners had slid.
though he spoke in a wheeze,
his rebuke brought unease,
as he scolded, ""please do as you're bid.""
"
"admissibility's often addressed
by a judge who decides what is best?
saying ""nay"" or ""okay""
to allow dna
or the statement wherein you confessed.
"
"""to be sure, as a matter of fact,
they just sit there until they are cracked.""
this account, though inane,
would indeed be germane
and precisely explain how eggs act.
"
"my sweetheart will search near and far
for wardrobes; at one large bazaar
her fixation grew worse,
and she reached in her purse
to shell out for a wicker armoire.
"
"i found in my garden one day
an arrowhead stuck in the clay.
a craftsman unknown
honed this point from a bone;
now the chiefs use its name where they play.
"
"ash wednesday's the first day of lent:
a season to fast and repent
and also give alms.
we put ashes of palms
on our foreheads to show our lament.
"
"the world's in a state of decline?
like the bottles and wrappers and twine
that i find on the ground
in the park all around
this forlorn anti-littering sign.
"
"antihistamines, put into action,
can subdue an allergic reaction.
that's a good thing, i'd say,
because sneezing all day
can indeed be a blasted distraction.
"
"an antonym's simply a word
where an opposite meaning's inferred?
as smooth is to rough
or as tender to tough.
(the word synonym has one, i've heard.)
"
"armageddon's a thought that can chill us.
it's the end of the world; it will kill us.
earth might be destroyed
by a large asteroid,
or might not, if we're saved by bruce willis.
"
"ethan allen was sly to arrive
and help capture the british alive
with his green mountain crew
(and with benedict too)
back in 1775.
"
"very coaxingly soothing the woes
of the child who'd disturbed his repose,
came the father's soft question?
cajoling suggestion?
?you could sleep, if you'd just blow your nose??
"
"the columniform trunks of these trees
form a high-vaulted temple. one sees
in this forest a solemn
repose, as each column
brings calm that one enters with ease.
"
"when i walked out last night with my cutie,
who should bar our way home but old clootie!
found him fey; couldn't pray;
cried, ""the devil you say!""
(well, he seemed so devoted to beauty.)
"
"""geronimo's quite bloody-handed:
he's murderous."" settlers demanded
his punishment, yet,
can we ever forget
his defense, made in words clear and candid?
"
"a bantu from ancient uganda
had a longing to see a wild panda,
but his hot-air balloon
blew off course (a monsoon),
all the fault of lord shiva in chanda.
"
"a colorable bloom's the carnation:
make use of the plant's transpiration.
colored water ascends
through the stem, and the end's
this green blossom?a mad march sensation.
"
"in a damp garden spot, plant this lily,
which will bloom as the spring grows less chilly.
with its drooping-bell head,
checkered purple or red,
it goes well with your gold daffydilly.
"
"bill was blue as he sat on death row,
with the days passing fast, the hours slow,
but then commutation
arrived and elation
set in?that last meal had to go!
"
"when a corvine bird troubled poe's mind,
he knew just what to do, and you'll find,
when you visit his raven,
like me, you'll be cravin'
his bells' chiming rhymes intertwined.
"
"my old harpsichord's upright and brings
haunting notes from its vertical strings.
it's a clavicytherium.
musically cheery?  um,
nasal. but sweetly it rings.
"
"from his boat in the strait of gibraltar,
the budding astronomer, walter,
had a shape catch his eye
in the southernmost sky:
he could barely see ara, the altar.
"
"anniversary gifts that are late
can disgruntle and frustrate your mate.
mine has said: ""not november!
we wed in september!""
(it's hard to remember the date.)
"
"i'm an internet thievery tracker
who counters the pillaging hacker.
swapping music for free
really irritates me.
i'm a strong antipiracy backer.
"
"""it wasn't my fault!"" hugh professed,
""that girl was appealingly dressed!""
while they had to agree,
cops ignored the perp's plea,
and proceeded to make the arrest.
"
"a balding designer named doug
once commissioned an area rug,
not to decorate or
cover part of his floor,
but to keep his head handsome and snug.
"
"on more than a single occasion,
the u.s. has increased its persuasion
from an arm-twist, enlisting
a form of insisting
that rightly is labeled invasion.
"
"though they certainly love and adore me,
my grandparents often will bore me
with tales of their mothers
and fathers and others?
these ancestors all came before me.
"
"the reason they're leavin' well may
be my odor, which drove them away.
it's a pretty safe bet,
since i'm dripping with sweat.
i should get antiperspirant spray!
"
"my doctor, not happy at all,
said, ""eating that junk at the mall
will lead to an an-
eurysm, my man?
a dilated artery wall.""
"
"the foods on a luncheon buffet,
the boards in a floor of parquet,
the books on my shelf,
my delusions of self:
all these things come in quite an array.
"
"i once built a castle creation
in maui, while off on vacation.
'twas heaped up by hand,
this big pile of sand?
an example of true aggeration.
"
"i was spry at a young twenty-four,
and my fingers could reach to the floor.
but since, i've grown rounder
with each quarter pounder.
i can't reach my knees anymore.
"
"to fertilize crops in peru,
ammonium nitrate will do.
applied to the fields,
it will multiply yields;
ammonium phosphate will, too.
"
"wherever in norway you are,
put some antifreeze into your car.
if you don't, it might stall,
or not start up at all,
and, alas, you won't get very far.
"
"we need extra beams for our fort;
the strength of our walls still falls short.
bring some more over here!
like your basic brassiere,
it is all about added support.
"
"that gallagher acts like a fool.
he smashes large fruits on a stool!
and, as always, he brings
his bizarre goofy things.
absurdness! that's his golden rule.
"
"during mass the presider will search
through the bible atop of his perch.
and the people should heed
all the scriptures he'll read
up in front at the ambo in church.
"
"last tuesday, my foot was all blistery.
the reason it was is a mystery.
but i really don't care
why those blisters were there,
since they've healed; so it's all ancient history.
"
"i assure you, it's terribly fruitless
debating my young daughter's cuteness.
it's quite plain to see:
not some partial degree,
but a matter of pure absoluteness.
"
"maintaining my college existence
will take a lot more than persistence.
i need this salvation:
a cleared application
for next term's financial assistance.
"
"it's a turbulent african land
where the portuguese once held command.
if you go to angola,
you might get ebola?
and simply from shaking a hand.
"
"the union did well to surround.
the defeat of the city was sound.
and william t. sherman
marched on to determine
atlanta would burn to the ground.
"
"hypothesis testing is dull:
with two choices, you find one to cull.
the alternative's kept
(it's the one you accept)
in the case you've rejected the null.
"
"is this limerick good? it depends.
on the plus side, it certainly blends
perfect metrical time
with impeccable rhyme,
but it anticlimactically ends.
"
"fans flock to augusta each spring
to appreciate tiger and singh,
who seldom shout ""fore!""
after teeshots that soar?
these two masters are foremost in swing.
"
"using step-by-step math operations,
it performs with exact calculations.
an algorithm's job
is to work out a ""prob""
with repeated precise computations.
"
"a desperate, destitute turk
went to ankara looking for work.
on a job he found lame
(hanging doors), he became
quite unhinged and went truly berserk.
"
"for a firmer abdominal core,
get your lazy butt down on the floor
and begin to do crunches
in minimum bunches
of twenty, advisably more.
"
"with my cash supply looking quite lean,
i made haste to a teller machine.
but it spat out my card
(which, to boot, was all charred!),
and then ""beat it!"" appeared on the screen!
"
"i discovered my roommate was dead
'cause our water was poisoned with lead!
in horror, my jaw struck
the floor. i was awestruck:
some wonder, but even more dread.
"
"i once knew a diver named owen.
every day to the reef he was goin'
for some coral to view,
and anemones, too.
these are creatures they call anthozoan.
"
"forgoing some personal pleasure
and giving out bits of your treasure
to others in need
will redeem you from greed;
it's a great antipoverty measure.
"
"anointing the sick is a rite
for granting god's grace in a plight.
it's performed by a priest
for the nearly deceased
(they haven't died yet, but soon might).
"
"does the ""fact"" there's a god give you grief?
there are others who share disbelief.
among words i have heard
for the doubts you've incurred,
agnosticism, doubtless, is chief.
"
"with a horn, or a tail, or a spike,
or a couple of fins like a pike,
or a penchant for roaring,
or wings used for soaring,
i'd say that you're animallike.
"
"when defendants confront accusation,
we demand absolute validation.
if there's reason for doubting
these charges you're spouting,
then justice will be my salvation.
"
"an annulus? well, it's a thing
resembling the shape of a ring.
one might help you define
the true age of a pine;
others go by the hip name of ""bling.""
"
"a geometry teacher of mine
used a ruler and chalk to define
a curve's asymptote. quote:
""it's near-tangent, please note.
it's an infinite limiting line.""
"
"in alpena's three meanings, partake:
a steamer that sank in a lake,
its greater renown
(as a michigan town),
and a car that they no longer make.
"
"having arbitrary government rule,
unrestrained, can seem random and cruel.
we shouldn't make war
or give rich people more
simply based on the whim of a fool.
"
"for this entry i've made it my mission
to give anguine, in rhyme, definition.
for simplicity's sake,
it's ""resembling a snake,""
as in ""anguine and false politician.""
"
"the decor of the lobby appeared
rather strange (categorically weird).
with the pictures of beans
and some wind-breaking scenes,
you could say it was gas-atmosphered.
"
"adultness is seen, to be sure,
in folks who are wise and mature.
but some ""grown-ups"" i know
are determined to show
immaturity sure can endure.
"
"to acceptingly, freely agree
with the salesmen on late-night tv
is completely naive;
i believe they deceive.
i wasn't born yesterday, see.
"
"awkward age names that stage of your life
in which problems with pimples are rife,
and your parents and teachers
and fast-changing features
and hormones are causing you strife.
"
"the neurons inside of my brain
and the parts that computers contain
could be said to possess
some analogousness,
but the fact that i'm smarter is plain.
"
"we prevent corporations unjust
with protections we call antitrust.
but for guarding your car
from corrosion (a scar),
the protection is called antirust.
"
"so you think the american sioux
were extended the rights they were due
by the settlers who came
and then staked a new claim?
that's an antihistorical view.
"
"our weekend in vegas was splendid,
but i guess we drank more than intended.
though we wound up entwined,
the annulment we signed
means the marriage is legally ended.
"
"does the worth of my lim'rick diminish
if the word's definition is thinnish,
or the meter is crude,
or it seems to conclude
with an anticlimactical finish?
"
"devices like pistons and motors
and relays and switches and rotors
are actuators.  fact:
they compel things to act?
now if only they'd actuate voters.
"
"the french said inspections were right,
and the threat of destruction was slight.
so when bush answered back
by attacking iraq,
they absented themselves from the fight.
"
"adirondacks are mountains i seek;
how i long to encounter each peak!
scenic forests and streams
of new york fill my dreams
when i wish to unwind for a week.
"
"i apportioned the prize, being fair
to provide a proportional share.
but with all i was due,
there was none left for you,
and i haven't a portion to spare.
"
"now, honey, the law must prevail.
you shouldn't have opened my mail.
the sole addressee?
unmistakably me!
don't worry, i'll mail you in jail.
"
"in golf, it's a challenging goal
to shoot three-under-par on a hole.
that's an albatross (or
double-eagle). that score
means you sure got a fortunate roll.
"
"this minuscule, atomlike bit
can fit through the skinniest slit.
indeed, i would call
it incredibly small
and incredibly tricky to split.
"
"tally every last person or tree
in an area?say, tennessee.
then divide by the sum
of square miles and you'll come
to an average, areally.
"
"those longhorns who live down in austin
have an edge on the folks up in boston:
when starting your lexus
in south central texas,
your windows will not need defrostin'.
"
"i wish i could automate chores,
to have time for more fun out of doors.
some mechanized elves
could dust off my shelves
and zoom around sweeping the floors!
"
"my college ecology teacher
explained, ""for survival, a creature
may evolve with a trait
such that lunch ain't its fate:
a distinct antipredator feature.""
"
"how i pine for the smell and the feel
of a shiny new automobile!
oh, the wind in my hair
as i zoom here and there
with my knees barely steering the wheel!
"
"to avoid getting lost, use a map;
for avoiding exhaustion, a nap.
to avoid, god forbid,
that you poison your kid,
use a push-down-and-turn safety cap.
"
"your ear lets you hear someone rapping
your door as you snore while you're napping.
this sensation is auditory,
like noises ""applauditory""
(relating to cheering or clapping).
"
"to authenticate means to make sure
that your treasured antiques, though obscure,
are confirmed to be real.
an appraisal or seal
can assure that their value's secure.
"
"when given no chance, you still try.
you scoff at the thought you might die.
and you'll point out a flaw
with your mother-in-law?
you are sure one adventuresome guy!
"
"ammoniac? listen, i swear it
has more than a smidgen of merit.
this resinous gum
you'll find coming from some
persian herb in the family of carrot.
"
"""believing opinions are true""
and ""accepting the popular view"":
these both express being
inclined to agreeing,
and ""buying avowal"" does, too.
"
"antislavery formed the foundation
of lincoln's renowned proclamation.
his benevolent deed
meant the slaves would be freed
from brutalities on the plantation.
"
"a range can be found in your kitchen,
but arrange (it's a verb) can mean switchin'
the placement around
of the flowers you found.
martha stewart would find this enrichin'.
"
"my slightly used automobile
has some paint that is starting to peel
near the sizable dent
on the fender that's bent.
it's no wonder this car was a steal!
"
"accelerated classes take less
time to finish than normal ones, yes?
like our fast asian studies,
a class that my buddies
have dubbed ""oriental express.""
"
"when a sound is perceived by your ear,
it is audible: something you hear?
whether faint or as loud
as the roar of a crowd,
whether garbled or perfectly clear.
"
"it's a genuine matter of fact
that to keep a good marriage intact
you need sharing and trust,
and you certainly must
have a firm antisecrecy pact.
"
"abbreviations as shortcuts are neat,
but these tidbits are often replete
with meanings, you see.
for example, st.
stands for state, stanza, strait, saint, or street.
"
"when the rotten, repugnant abuser
was charged by a gutsy accuser,
his fame became shame
in the wake of the blame,
and he rightly was labeled a loser.
"
"the busboys and waiters were shocked,
and the eyes of the patrons were locked
on a woman, turned pale,
who could not even wail?
she was choking; her airway was blocked.
"
"al kaline would sprint to each base
(not the alkaline ones chemists face?
those are also called alk;
an example is talc)
'cause detroit had a pennant to chase.
"
"aliveness means being alive:
you exist and subsist, and you thrive,
and of course, you're not dead.
when you're heading for bed,
it refers to your sexual drive.
"
"i went on an all-expense trip
where the guards first requested i strip
(and they didn't ask nice),
then they checked me for lice.
now i sit behind bars. what a gyp.
"
"get three deadbolts, install 'em and twist 'em;
find some kickboxing cats and enlist 'em;
add a thirty-foot wall
with a moat 'round it all:
a bizarre antiburglary system.
"
"i concur. i agree we should make
this transaction as outlined. let's shake.
i'm in luck that you feel
you have struck a good deal.
(hope my smile won't reveal your mistake.)
"
"it was clear that the deadbeat we hired
did decidedly less than required,
and we sure had the feeling
the scumbag was stealing.
so he was, apprehensibly, fired.
"
"let us go put an end to their days.
we could set all their houses ablaze.
they're the kind we condemn;
let's annihilate them.
i'm so sick of these ants. not one stays.
"
"the tennis pro named arthur ashe
was great, and though famed, never brash.
though his life was cut short,
he'd served on- and off-court
with the strength of an overhead smash.
"
"these miners, to mine without fail,
need a shovel, an ax, and a pail,
and an adit, i'd say
(it's a mine's entryway)?
a significant miner detail.
"
"i'm afraid i'm beginning to see
my survival has no guarantee
as i climb down this canyon.
i'd like a companion?
a friend?to accompany me.
"
"an attribute helps you relate
an account of your lovable mate,
like her assets that sag
or her penchant to nag.
it's a quality, feature, or trait.
"
"agricultural tools, you should know,
like a shovel, a rake, and a hoe,
help with meeting the needs
for the planting of seeds
and for harvesting that which will grow.
"
"the plot of the paperback gripped
the producer, who found it equipped
with the basics you need
for a tale to succeed
as a film's adaptational script.
"
"i will give you my word; i'm no fibber:
your health is at risk as a bibber.
when a feminist's choosing
continual boozing,
cirrhosis may start in the libber.
"
"this job is a tiresome trial;
my workmates are vicious and vile.
but the health plan and pension
are great, i should mention?
the benefits make it worthwhile.
"
"biosynthesis formulates many
types of chemical compounds in any
living being you see,
like a dog or a tree
or a guy in a diner named lenny.
"
"i got horribly hurt in the war, so
much more so than ever before, so
they barely could save me,
and that's why they gave me
a biomechanical torso.
"
"northern ireland's capital site,
the city of belfast, has quite
a long saga of strain
from the passion and pain
of the protestant-catholic fight.
"
"i had hoped that my boss would drop dead,
so i plotted to bash in his head.
but then i decided
this plan was misguided,
and verbally bashed him instead.
"
"hunters hide side by side in a blind,
in a place that their prey cannot find.
under cover, they hunt
things that hover in front
as they huddle, in secret, behind.
"
"a hollywood star through and through,
she was wondrously stunning to view.
this phenomenal swede
played a strong female lead:
ingrid bergman, here's looking at you.
"
"i will never be found in the sea,
though we frogs live amphibiously.
life on land is divine,
and though water is fine,
too much salt is a danger to me.
"
"the blonde thought, ""i'd better pay heed
to the tag on this sweater, indeed.""
so she wrapped it in gauze
before washing, because
she was worried the colors might bleed.
"
"having chosen which choice to select
(and, conversely, which ones to reject),
a balloter then
will make use of a pen,
making sure the wrong box isn't checked.
"
"plagued by bashfulness, madeleine seeks
a more confident voice when she speaks.
but routinely, instead,
she's disabled by dread,
and her shyness is read in her cheeks.
"
"the anatomy notes in my folder
said a ball joint is one like your shoulder:
one bone, i recall,
has the shape of a ball,
and the other bone serves as its holder.
"
"there is no legal basis for slaying
your husband or wife, or for paying
another to do it,
so don't, or you'll rue it.
(you've no leg to stand on, i'm saying.)
"
"barbed wire can be used for a fence
with substantially smaller expense
than a fence made of wood,
which for ranchers is good.
it's a matter of sheer cowman sense.
"
"though my friend made a promise i trusted,
he snitched to my mom; i got busted.
my trust faded quickly;
he'd backstabbed me slickly.
now, grounded, i sit here, disgusted.
"
"surely backflow can make a man think,
for the water you get from your sink
may have come from your toilet!
you might want to boil it
before you employ it as drink.
"
"we were blessed with a new baby daughter,
so my beautiful wife and i brought her,
dressed in garments of white,
to our church for a rite?
she was baptized in sanctified water.
"
"""a backhand's a type of a stroke
made by tennis- or squash-playing folk,
where the palm faces straight
at the target?no, wait?
that's a forehand, i fear. i misspoke.""
"
"okay, i'll admit it, in fairness.
my plainly apparent awareness
of that girl over there
with the curly blonde hair
is essentially due to her bareness.
"
"the base of a pillar or wall
is the bottom supporting it all,
but we also use base to
name places we race to
right after we've belted a ball.
"
"""as a judge, my authority's clear,
and the end of my patience draws near.
so i'm asking my bailiff
to put you in jail if
you can't stay in order, you hear?""
"
"down in southern australia they boast
of a place that is odder than most,
as their main claim to fame
is the palindrome name:
arrawarra, a town on the coast.
"
"i don't ambulate often. how come?
i've a problem that some view as dumb:
trying two things at once
makes me feel like a dunce.
when i walk, i can't even chew gum!
"
"to bend is to flex or to twist,
as in bending your neck or your wrist,
or to yield to one's pleading
with weakness, conceding
a point, having failed to insist.
"
"the more of my money i bet,
the more in return i shall net!
but, of course, should i lose,
i'll be singing the blues
as each bet, i regret, becomes debt.
"
"almond extract's a fabulous flavor
that bakers are likely to favor
in cookies and crackers
and cakes, which the snackers
they bake for are likely to savor.
"
"the bake was a social event
at which clams and the like underwent
some exposure to heat
so the people could eat
tasty food on a friday in lent.
"
"asia minor is fine as a name
for the ottoman lands that became
today's home of the turks.
anatolia works
as a second (they're one and the same).
"
"which is better: a work by monet,
or a classic shakespearean play?
well, it wouldn't be fair
in this case to compare,
'cause it's apples and oranges, i'd say.
"
"of the five on each foot in a row,
it's the largest and innermost toe.
for this reason i would
say that big toe is good;
as a name, it is most apropos.
"
"the alt key is simple and neat,
making alternate functions complete
with magnificent ease.
if your system should freeze,
please try these keys: control-alt-delete.
"
"what's a bar graph (or bar chart)? a way
to put figures and facts on display:
an assortment of bars
showing profits on cars
or the number of layoffs per day.
"
"we know alpha centauri to be
a system of stars made of three,
and the third of its stars
is the closest to ours.
it's the third brightest ""star"" we can see.
"
"they ate of the apple eve held,
as the serpent of eden impelled.
so with leafage of figs
on their thingamajigs,
mortal adam and eve were expelled.
"
"the cop, his mouth burning, said, ""halt!
black pepper, i find you at fault.
you're about to do time
with your partner in crime;
on these grounds, you'll be charged with assault.""
"
"the word barbarize means ""become crude
in your language, behavior, or mood.""
thus, the barbarized fiend
needs to have his mouth cleaned
out with soap, since his cursing is rude.
"
"having scouted the isle as commanded,
i returned to the dock where we'd landed,
but was startled to find
they had left me behind,
forsaken, abandoned, and stranded.
"
"i'm often enthralled and beguiled
by weather that's violent and wild,
but round here, as it were,
i would clearly prefer
to have balminess, pleasant and mild.
"
"a barterer's trademark is trade,
and with money he never gets paid.
so his mission is making,
through giving and taking,
exchanges of mutual aid.
"
"let's expound the noun bank for awhile:
it's a mound or a ridge or a pile,
or the tilt you observe
as you drive 'round a curve,
or the ground at the edge of the nile.
"
"a bachelor party is one
where a man getting married has fun
one last time with his pals,
getting drunk with nude gals
who do things his new bride's apt to shun.
"
"a bachelor pad is a dwelling
that often is gross and repelling,
with clothes and much more
spread all over the floor.
and just what is that odor i'm smelling?
"
"acts of faith, as the phrase would suggest,
surely give your convictions a test,
by potentially ending
(as signs are portending)
in injury, death, or arrest.
"
"when thwarting a threatening throng,
send in soldiers; ensure they are strong,
clever, bold, and alert.
and it surely can't hurt
if they take a few weapons along.
"
"an audacious and arrogant ass?
aggravation and anger amass.
argumentative acts
and abusive attacks?
an atrocious annoyance, alas.
"
"additional items are spare,
inessential, and rarely are rare.
there is plenty enough
of this leftover stuff.
i'd write more, but i simply don't care.
"
"baboonish means ""brutish,"" it's clear,
like a savage. or maybe, i fear,
you're a hideous guy, mate,
who looks like a primate
with fur and a bright-colored rear.
"
"in the face of substantial resistance,
a battler will still go the distance.
never fearing defeat,
every foe he will beat
with impressive resolve and persistence.
"
"each army established a base,
and then marched to the middle to face
one another in war
at the battlefront, or
roughly, ""zone where the combat takes place.""
"
"this blackmailer's making me sweat,
for he's crookedly trying to get
me to give him some cash,
or he's going to trash
my good name, as he said in his threat.
"
"my objects of true admiration:
i hold them in high estimation.
i look up to my brother
and cherish my mother.
this verse? a sincere dedication.
"
"because i was hungry, i ate
twenty dinners all heaped on one plate.
though high in nutrition,
caloric addition
meant more acquisition of weight.
"
"i bleakly examine my chances
to better my hopeless finances:
my prospects are dismal,
my debt is abysmal,
and meanwhile, my bleakness advances.
"
"an apothecary portions out pills
for the piles of prescriptions he fills,
and his capsules and potions,
elixirs, and lotions
can cure any number of ills.
"
"falling back in the fall, it is said,
gives us one extra hour in bed.
but, alas, in the spring
it's a less restful thing
as we're setting the clocks back ahead.
"
"a gene-crazy genius created
a clone of himself, long awaited.
""how's it feel, your success?""
he was asked by the press.
""i'm beside myself! simply elated!""
"
"although i have searched long and hard,
i can't find an arbor day card.
it's really no joke?
let's give praise to the oak!
i think i'll plant two in my yard.
"
"disheartened, this board has discussed
your disgraceful betrayal of trust.
how displeasing a feat,
this disloyal deceit.
we've decided dismembering's just.
"
"no persuasion to buy on tv
ever made a believer of me.
i will not drain my wallet
for whatchamacallit!
what's that you say? shipping is free?
"
"said the pilot, ""the aerial brand
of photography captured these grand
color images of
the terrain from above
in my plane, which i flew with one hand.""
"
"tiny blood platelets (thrombocytes) aid
in the forming of clots, rightly made
when you've cut yourself, but
if an artery's shut
by a clot, you might die, i'm afraid.
"
"biotechnical products are viewed
with suspicion by some, and include
drugs and hormones galore,
toxic weapons of war,
and genetically modified food.
"
"a bb's a small metal pellet.
you'll find that some toy stores still sell it
for the air-powered ""daisy""
kids play with?it's crazy!
shoots eyes out, as mothers foretell it.
"
"i was mowing my lawn in the shade
when my typical daydreaming strayed
to the spinning steel's brief
bout with each grassy leaf:
an encounter of blade against blade.
"
"a bear's a barbarian brute,
or a person of surly repute
(like a grumbling grump),
or a beast at the dump
scouring scraps, with a snack his pursuit.
"
"a bel is a unit of sound,
and a bell can make music resound.
but a belle is a miss
you've a longing to kiss,
whom you follow around like a hound.
"
"a birdbath's a water-filled basin?
an avian gathering place in
which birds sit to drink
or to bathe, and i think
it's where lovebirds could meet for embracin'.
"
"ammunition, when shot from a gun,
may be aiming to maim, kill, or stun.
a slug from a cartridge
can take down a partridge,
or maybe a crook on the run.
"
"did you know in your blood there are lots
of small blood cells, more tiny than dots?
some are red; some are white,
with infections to fight;
some are platelets, which help to form clots.
"
"a limerick that boundlessly goes
on and on would be hard to compose.
to go on without end?
it's absurd, i contend,
which is why this is not one of those.
"
"there's a problem we need to address:
all your work is a pitiful mess.
it's a botch, and we trust
you can grasp our disgust.
if you do, that's your only success.
"
"with a forty-point margin projected,
the bottom dog wasn't selected
by one single person.
now bettors are cursin'?
the upset was quite unexpected!
"
"flocks of jocks from the blocks by the docks
love to box, cleaning clocks near the stocks.
each one wishes his might
with his fists in a fight
knocks the socks (and the frocks) off a fox.
"
"i'm in love with this store near the lake where
there's all sorts of wonderful bakeware,
fulfilling my wishes
for casserole dishes
and cookie sheets, roasters, and cakeware.
"
"in montana, i often can't wait
to depart, for i'm not feeling great.
but i also should add
that it isn't so bad;
i'm in more of a borderline state.
"
"bob's uptight, and he'll pay any price
to avoid an explosive device.
for a sound, restful sleep,
only staying down deep
in a bombproof retreat will suffice.
"
"aluminum foil is reliable
for keeping your leftovers viable.
it easily wraps
around edible scraps
'cause it's thin and remarkably pliable.
"
"my acid indigestion's a curse.
when i eat fatty meat, it gets worse.
if my acid-packed tummy
felt any more crummy,
i'd worry i'd soon need a hearse.
"
"to confirm the connection is tight,
keep the nut held in place, then recite:
""turning left makes it loose,""
and from that you'll deduce
you should thus turn the bolt to the right.
"
"there exist many more definitions,
but a band is a group of musicians.
though it made me feel sad,
the whole neighborhood's glad
mine was banned due to raucous renditions.
"
"your nostrils have long flowing hair,
and your left middle finger ain't there.
you have two extra toes,
and i'm betting that those
abnormalities make people stare.
"
"acquitting defendants is tough
when evidence shows that they're rough.
but if you find out
there's good reason to doubt,
for acquittal, that's more than enough.
"
"to balance yourself in a state
of secure distribution of weight
is a skill you can lose
when you swill too much booze?
seems your shoes will refuse to go straight.
"
"i'd like to get mike out of jail,
but try as i might, i would fail,
since the hard-hearted judge
holds a grudge and won't budge
and has ordered him held without bail.
"
"a back for the packers or cards
looks for cracks and then racks up the yards.
as his label conveys,
he begins all the plays
from in back of the tackles and guards.
"
"there's a great deal of work left to do
on the cases we need to review.
at the rate we are going,
the backlog is growing.
i doubt that we'll ever be through.
"
"affiliate means, in summation,
a subordinate organization.
an example would be
that of network tv:
any local affiliate station.
"
"accommodate, compromise, yield;
develop to fit a new field.
adjust to the norm;
prepare to conform.
the word i've defined is revealed.
"
"i've got bug-zapping lights in position;
i've no water in standing condition.
i'm infused with the smell
of repellent as well.
i've an antimosquito ambition.
"
"you shamelessly shrugged off concealing
your crime?you are guilty of stealing.
you were blatant and bold,
and this verdict should hold
in the case that you bother appealing.
"
"the criminal crackerjack cramer
is a fraud, i'm afraid. he's a framer,
tagging me with his crime
when i'm faultless this time!
he's a blatantly black-hearted blamer.
"
"your nerves? there's no reason to worry.
they are doing their job in a hurry:
sending signals (like pain)
all the way to your brain
in a bioelectrical flurry.
"
"in the football americans play,
the blockers will get in the way
of the tacklers pursuing
the runner, who's doing
his best to break free from the fray.
"
"so true is the saying whereby
judging beauty depends on the eye
of the captive beholder?
more apt when you're older.
(your vision is worse then, that's why.)
"
"i climbed up the mountain, with skill,
to the apex?a marvelous thrill!
but on top of the summit,
whilst looking down from it,
i noticed i felt a bit ill.
"
"tipper rushed to the video store
with a deathly strong yearning to score
something horribly thrilling
with torture and killing
and bloodiness (plenty of gore).
"
"at an auction, as challengers vie
for an item, the price rises high,
and the prizewinning bidder's
the guy who considers
it most worth his money to buy.
"
"although sometimes my blindness has tried me,
i'm at ease with my dog alongside me.
he's much more than a friend,
for i have to depend
on his eyes to reliably guide me.
"
"some have purpose, devoting the whole
of their soul to pursuing a goal.
others blindly will squander
their chances and wander
through life on a meaningless stroll.
"
"to blush: to get red in the face
from the modesty, shame, or disgrace
you would feel being viewed
when you're drunk and/or nude
(or some other embarrassing case).
"
"benton harbor, alas, is a fine
illustration of urban decline.
lots of jobs moved away,
and few folks chose to stay,
mainly under the poverty line.
"
"a blood count effectively tells
you the number of red and white cells
in a blood sample, and
helps your doc understand
what is wrong, when it sounds warning bells.
"
"some roaches and rodents and ants
and a few other pests took a stance.
""hug a bug!"" ""let us bee!""
and ""ko ddt!""
were their top antipesticide chants.
"
"our first biological child
was a breeze, raised with ease, so we smiled;
with the second and third,
far more problems occurred.
and the twelve we adopted? plain wild.
"
"i'm horribly hungry and beat,
and now, having sat down to eat,
i'm as mad as can be!
i've a bone to pick?see,
you have eaten off all of the meat!
"
"tell me, where am i going, and how?
for what happenings should i allow?
as i hustle and hurry,
i constantly worry,
""just what will become of me now?""
"
"his basketball skills are a blend:
he can shoot, pass the ball, and defend.
how i love chauncey billups!
his three-pointer fill-ups
win many a game at the end!
"
"on a blustery, blizzardy night,
safely driving a car can be quite
a tall order indeed,
even at a slow speed?
when it's snowed out, it's no doubt all white.
"
"my hopes all at once turned to bleakness
as my horse fell behind in the preakness.
see, he runs like a dud
when the track is all mud?
his achilles' heel (synonym: weakness).
"
"as this blatherer jabbered in nonsense,
it seemed he'd completely forgone sense,
and my headache progressed
as the rot he professed
carried on in a long, on-and-on sense.
"
"a baking sheet's metal and flat,
with a rectangle's figure, at that.
these cookies i'm lovin'
were baked in the oven
on one that i greased with some fat.
"
"automatic deposit's to thank
for my no longer being a crank.
all my pay's placed posthaste,
and i don't have to waste
any time in a line at the bank.
"
"banana bread's baked from a batter,
then presented, perhaps, on a platter.
it's a bit like a cake
and no trouble to make,
but when people partake, they get fatter.
"
"a ball with three holes i am rolling
down a lane, and i'm deftly controlling
the amount that it spins
so it knocks down ten pins.
that, in brief, is the object of bowling.
"
"in the blackness, i'm fumbling around,
and there isn't a light to be found,
and i've twice bumped my head,
and it fills me with dread,
that anonymous ominous sound.
"
"when a thing has serrations, and then
these serrations are serrate again,
it's biserrate, in brief.
you might find that a leaf
or a saw has this feature. amen.
"
"i was driving around in my truck
and got stuck in a puddle of muck.
paddle-free, up a creek,
with my tongue in my cheek,
i said, ""beautiful! aren't i in luck?""
"
"what an arrogant, bigheaded pain!
so pretentious, immodest, and vain!
your presumptuous show
is absurd; you should know
that on top is where i shall remain!
"
"first some honking and swearing was heard;
then a gesture of anger occurred
as i thrust out my hand
at that idiot and
rather flippantly flipped him the bird.
"
"a prevalent, edible sunfish,
the popular bluegill is one fish
that, scaled on each side
and then breaded and fried,
makes a crispy, tastes-great-on-a-bun fish.
"
"the birdhouse i made for my dad
back in summer camp looked pretty bad,
'cause one side wasn't true
and the perch was askew,
and in popsicle sticks it was clad.
"
"a bed is a plot prepped for plants.
or, instead, it's a place for romance,
and a slumbering site
where, for some, it's all right
to delight in a night without pants.
"
"you've annoyed us too much to ignore,
so we don't want you here anymore.
a unanimous voice
backs this banishment choice.
please get out of here now. there's the door.
"
"my checkbook was clearly a wreck.
(subtracting's a pain in the neck.)
so i quickly sought aid
from a balancer, paid
with a check once he'd checked every check.
"
"pharmaceutical companies make
a little white pill you can take
with an acid inside,
and, when amply applied,
then this aspirin can ease your head's ache.
"
"apologetic, i'm filled with regret,
and i'm sorry you feel so upset.
after this, i decree,
no more gambling for me.
i can stop all this betting, i bet.
"
"""are you going with yellow, or red?""
i asked of our painter, with dread.
""no, the color i'll use
shall be orange, which i choose
because all's well that blends well,"" he said.
"
"equilibrium, harmony, parity,
in meaning, show clear similarity;
that is, each of these three
can mean ""balance,"" you see.
(and in my life, they're rather a rarity.)
"
"baking powder has leavening power.
to stay dry, it contains starch or flour.
but the acid and base
do the work in this case,
and give rise to delights to devour.
"
"hackers' golf games are seldom that strong,
as our ball flights are roughly all wrong.
thus, we're steadfast believers
in golf ball retrievers
that telescope fifty feet long.
"
"these sentences seek to deny us
our lives?what a prejudiced bias!
though we've murdered a few,
we've humanity, too.
it just kills me, their fervor to fry us.
"
"lengthy rides in the car are the worst;
shoulda used the facilities first.
my discomfort is growing;
i'm fidgety, knowing
my bladder is going to burst!
"
"morning drivers, beware of the fog;
midnight prowlers, beware of the dog.
and tourists, i'll warn ya:
in south california,
take caution?beware of the smog.
"
"food and drink in my bowl and my cup,
i sat down at the table to sup.
as i ate, from my throat
came a belch. so i'd note,
""what goes down sometimes rises back up.""
"
"the plumber was happily humming,
repairing a plug in the plumbing.
his service was swell
and he fixed the pipes well,
but the crack in the back? not becoming.
"
"the firemen faced some great harm there,
responding to some guy's alarm blare.
the reason? no joking,
he fell asleep smoking,
while sitting, relaxed, in an armchair.
"
"when a wren or a lark looks for lunch,
they'll eat birdseed, a bit or a bunch,
'cause this medley of seed
is their favorite feed.
but it wouldn't suit me, i've a hunch.
"
"bills are pending proposals for laws,
or the hard, horny parts of birds' jaws,
or documents showing
the charges i'm owing
to stores, which, when wrong, give me pause.
"
"as the tools of hostility go,
using germs for defeating your foe
(biological warfare)
is surely not more fair
to innocent bystanders, no?
"
"some relations are perfect; however,
if a whatsis is almost whatever,
i believe you could say
whatsis borders it, eh?
like, ""this limerick borders on clever.""
"
"automatic withdrawal can pay
all your bills in an effortless way.
without checks, you are able
to pay for your cable
or fund your son's roth ira.
"
"the botanical garden displayed
many trees, which the wind gently swayed,
among beautiful flowers.
i'd love to spend hours
just strolling about in its shade.
"
"a body's a physical mass
or a group of executive brass;
it's an orb in the sky,
the physique of a guy,
or a corpse in anatomy class.
"
"in making me wonder and wait,
the job you have done is first-rate.
what the heck is the hang-up?
i'd call it a bang-up
achievement in making me late!
"
"this diner has patrons so rude
the accommodators feign a good mood.
every waiter employs
perseverance and poise,
and they deign not to spit in the food.
"
"i thought i'd been careful about
getting trustworthy backers with clout
who would back my endeavor.
but later, however,
the bastards reneged and backed out.
"
"how far can these increases go?
will the rise in these creatures plateau?
given all the essentials,
the biotic potential's
the extent to which numbers could grow.
"
"when a leader is lacking in brains,
and, though foolish, he somehow remains
to administer more
overspending and war,
you could say that ""his backwardness"" reigns.
"
"it's the spot drivers know as the blind spot?
as i see it, a simply defined spot:
an obscure-as-can-be-
need-a-mirror-to-see-
hidden-off-to-the-side-and-behind spot.
"
"anthurium? give it a chance!
it's a genus of colorful plants.
two more lines on this topic:
it's present in tropic
environs, i.e., not in france.
"
"this activity's much to my liking,
and it's easily better than hiking.
i'm employing my feet
yet enjoying a seat
as i glide down the street?i am biking.
"
"what a rowdy, vociferous fellow!
always loud, he would boisterously bellow.
i could bear him, except
when he blared as i slept.
ah, but marriage has kept him more mellow.
"
"the word baby: i'm sure you're aware it
suggests ""small.""  take the term baby carrot:
it's a tinier brand
of that vegetable, and
it's decidedly harder to share it.
"
"larry bird was deceptively quick
and unlikely to throw up a brick,
and this all-star was three
times the league mvp.
he's a legend, this hick from french lick.
"
"if you think life on earth is a bore,
come to bob's antigravity store!
we have rockets and boots
and miraculous suits
that can lift you right off of the floor!
"
"i went to the doctor and got
me a booster, an adequate shot
for sustaining immunity.
that germ's opportunity
for making me sick is now squat.
"
"""absorptiometry measures the rate
that a substance, in gaseous state,
is absorbed into some
sort of liquid, by gum!""
my excitement was lost on my date.
"
"he does not have a partisan thrust,
and his candid campaign is a bust.
he's a fair-minded guy
you can all kiss goodbye?
he's a neuter one biting the dust.
"
"deep and dark, the black sea is the main
shipping outlet for goods from ukraine.
and with other great rivers,
the danube delivers
it water from distant terrain.
"
"a chinese-american food,
chop suey will often include
bits of chicken, bamboo,
water chestnuts?sprouts, too?
served with rice, and best stir-fried, not stewed.
"
"define capsular? pithy, low-dose,
curt, compendious, limited, close,
brief, laconic, or terse?
a more capsular verse
would have been more concise (less verbose).
"
"on the web there are banners to view
that attempt to sell products to you.
but these ad views are bad
(it's a view i've long 'ad)
and they rarely add up to a sou.
"
"before we sit down, if you please,
will you try six or seven of these
tasty appetizers here?
really, no need to fear?
they're just typical crackers and cheese.
"
"this cowardly, gold-plated droid
could repeatedly leave you annoyed:
c-3po, though,
was a protocol pro
(built by ani, who's played by jake lloyd).
"
"many heroes of war helped to save
our american freedoms. how brave!
some who died in the quest
with great honor now rest
in an arlington national grave.
"
"automotive describes firms in which
they use robots to rivet, form, stitch,
place, prepare, mold, and weld
parts of cars self-propelled.
(human workers are more apt to bitch.)
"
"a bad habit (say, picking your nose
or biting the nails on your toes)
isn't seemly or nice,
but improper?a vice
(or a ratty old piece of nun's clothes).
"
"a bad guy's a heavy, a villain.
his sinister laugh is spine-chillin'.
as if that's not enough,
he's unlawful and rough,
thinkin' nothin' of cheatin' and killin'.
"
"since my checking account was bereft
(it hadn't sufficient funds left),
i wrote a bad check.
said the bank, ""what the heck?
don't you know that's no different than theft?""
"
"believe it or not, i'm your brain.
reasoned thought and interpreting pain
are activities that
i'm superior at;
nervous system command i maintain.
"
"the abo system excels:
it classifies human blood cells.
type a rejects b;
only o to o, see?
ab receives all but repels!
"
"one night, on vacation in arkansas,
i wandered around in the dark an' saw
that my car had been towed
from its place in the road?
guess i'd broken some little rock parkin' law.
"
"i haven't come up with a pun
about abidan, not even one.
he's a man i'd describe
as a head of the tribe
of benjamin, israel's son.
"
"'midst the sugar beets, soybeans, and corn
is bay city, a little well-worn.
it's important, in short,
as a michigan port
(and the place where madonna was born).
"
"""i've received the results of the scan
of your brain,"" my physician began,
""and i think there's a mass
that's malignant, alas.
it's a tumor the size of sudan.""
"
"a hippie named happy jerome
fried the brain cells he had in his dome.
thirty years' worth of pot
means a genius he's not?
there's a light on, but nobody's home.
"
"it is plain you have mangled your brain,
but the damage is hard to explain,
'cause you're jumping about
with your tongue hanging out.
there's no doubt you're completely insane.
"
"since the blow gave your brain a contusion,
i'm afraid you have suffered delusion.
there's a bruise in your head
that is swollen and red,
and you're not elmer fudd, in conclusion.
"
"your heart is no valentine pump,
but a strong asymmetrical clump
of two atria pounding
with ventricles, sounding
loud chamber arrangements?ka-thump!
"
"the use of absume, it appears,
has, alas, been absumed through the years.
""to erode; waste away""
it had meant, but today,
it's a musty old word no one hears.
"
"i will caretake your churchyard with care.
i'll be sure that no weed will grow there.
i will shovel and rake
and will piously take
special care of this garden of prayer.
"
"when this type of division is done,
a centesimal section is one
of a hundred like pieces.
my patience decreases
soon after the slicing's begun!
"
"chalk up means to earn or to score,
like: ""they chalked up two points."" what is more,
it can mean to impute
(name the cause or the root),
like: ""they chalked up this mess to the war.""
"
"a chinstrap holds gear on your head,
and it works a lot better than thread.
this is good, to be sure?
if your helmet's secure,
there's less chance of your winding up dead.
"
"sure, the cheekbone's the bone in your cheek,
but if specialized jargon you seek,
zygomatic or malar
should properly tailor
your words to anatomy-speak.
"
"a chatroom's a site that will let
users talk, in real time, on the net.
type a message, hit ""send""?
you can make a new friend.
heck, it's how your dear wife and i met!
"
"alces: a name that's in use
as the genus of elk and of moose.
the prominent features
of these forest creatures
are antlers, which most males produce.
"
"it's a challenge to find rhymes for challenge?
so much so, i doubt that i shallenge.
this predicament's why
i won't bother to try,
but instead will just make 'em up, pallenge!
"
"making chocolate milk? this is how:
take white milk, stir in cocoa. and now
you can finally rest
from your ludicrous quest
to discover the chocolate cow.
"
"a bagger's a string of strikes?so
a five-bagger's five in a row.
in a 300 game
there's a strike every frame,
so a twelve-bagger's what you must throw.
"
"back when music was played through a hi-fi,
and no hot spots existed with wi-fi,
acoustic modems would link
(and not in a wink)
to a phone line. (it seemed just like sci-fi.)
"
"the diet of foods that i eat
isn't balanced; it's mostly just meat.
now and then i may try
a few french fries, or pie.
but there's nary a leek or a beet.
"
"my shot hit the nose (headpin first),
and the leave was so dreadful i cursed.
although no split is good,
just the corner pins stood?
that's the 7-10 split. it's the worst.
"
"bumper bowling employs a device
to help shots that are far from precise
stay out of the gutter,
so players won't mutter.
most novices find this is nice.
"
"antigovernment anne, a librarian,
likes neither george bush nor john kerry, an'
she wants you to note
that she's casting her vote
for a long shot who's more libertarian.
"
"two papier-m?ch?-made giraffes,
four bird-feeder-topped shepherd's staffs,
and a pink crocheted throw
can be found at this show
of eclectic and strange arts and crafts.
"
"henry aaron's of number one rank
in hitting home runs, to be frank.
he drove hundreds of balls
over stadium walls,
so they nicknamed him ""hammerin' hank.""
"
"earth is farthest away from the sun
at a point in its orbital run
that is known as aphelion;
its mate, perihelion,
is simply the opposite one.
"
"starry apus, or so i have heard,
has been labeled the ""paradise bird.""
but take it from me,
it's a bit hard to see.
have a look; you'll agree it's absurd.
"
"the president often complains,
""other nations are drains on our brains!
if a shrewd foreign neighbor
lures all our skilled labor,
some dolt will be all that remains!""
"
"the cognizant cattle i raise
know ""to nibble"" is one of the ways
to define the word browse.
in a field, hungry cows
(be they black, brown, or white) tend to graze.
"
"i said, ""'yellowish alloy of copper
and zinc' is distinctly a proper
description of brass,""
in my lame, brazen pass
at the radiant light fixture shopper.
"
"resplendent, luxurious ball gowns
are indeed the most formal of all gowns.
those of affluent ilk
own these satin and silk
often-worn-with-an-elegant-shawl gowns.
"
"each competitor's set in his stance
as the crowd shouts out loud rowdy chants.
then the quarterback taps
on the center, who snaps,
and the ball carrier tries to advance.
"
"first she speaks, then her husband agrees.
ever nagging, it's obvious she's
really got the poor bloke
in a marital yoke.
oft he jokes, ""take my ball and chain, please!""
"
"a man remarked, ""hey, look at that,
over there, in the air; it's a bat.""
never batting an eye,
his dear wife, screaming ""die!""
bashed the bat with a bat. (it went splat.)
"
"a man who is running behind me
says, ""i'm running behind?never mind me.""
so i wish him the best.
since i'm winded, i rest
and unwind; my behind so inclined me.
"
"check it deep, mon! i mus' be mistaken.
de bobsled i thought i saw snakin'
down de ice sho' appeared
jus' a lilly bit weird,
fo' it seemed dat de team was jamaican!
"
"i obtained a botanical for
easing pain in my back, which was sore.
although taking this herb
has me feeling superb,
i can't taste, see, or smell anymore!
"
"in bowling, a great shot may bury
in the pocket, but then, if you're very
unlucky, and get
only nine from the hit,
you're the victim of terrible carry.
"
"i think i should get a new flag;
this large one is starting to sag.
a bandrol is little,
and that means that it'll
fit snugly inside of my bag!
"
"peter's chilies and romance were bland,
so his girlfriend began to demand
that he turn up the heat.
with capsaicin, pete
became quite a bit hotter than planned!
"
"the bucket's a diamond-shaped spare,
and it's tricky to cover?beware!
there's a pin in the back
that's a tough nut to crack;
when i miss it, i usually swear.
"
"many quiet things aren't heard much,
and belgian things aren't called dutch.
most lunches aren't free,
just like giants aren't wee,
and museum things aren't to touch.
"
"baby splits are tough leaves you might get
when your first shot's a high or light hit,
but the pins that are left
can be cleared if you're deft
and between them the ball can be fit.
"
"a 300 game cannot be beat?
twelve x's fill in the whole sheet.
with each ball, ten pins fall,
for the best score of all.
it's a striking, exceptional feat.
"
"a strike or a spare every frame
is a goal for which bowlers will aim,
and no matter the dirt
on your face or your shirt,
if you do it, it's called a clean game.
"
"a lesson in bowling begins:
""the count is the number of pins
you knock down in a frame.
at the end of the game,
if you're six down, a seven-count wins.""
"
"when everyone strikes in a frame
except one luckless guy off his game,
that poor chap buys the beer,
and his teammates all cheer,
""this round is on you? what a shame!""
"
"to a cannibal, people are pannable,
servable, save-in-saran-able,
diceable, boilable,
sliceable, broilable,
tasty and, fittingly, cannable.
"
"a marathon night of tv
is an audiovisual spree?
sensation abounds
as the sights and the sounds
melt my brain at a quarter past three.
"
"those shameless campaigners will bandy
their claims?underhanded, they'll candy
the plans they're promoting
in sugary coating,
thus making them out to seem dandy.
"
"politicians dismantle our trust,
spinning lies 'til we cry in disgust.
as we tire of the liars,
the public acquires
an antipolitical thrust.
"
"a friend of mine, frederick harris,
is studying business at ferris.
though there's little renown,
he thinks well of his town:
""heck, big rapids is bigger than paris!""
"
"a big, crazy, darned-epic fling:
go handle it, juggling king.
lim'rick might name our poem?
quite right! special tome
uses verses with xtras. yes, zing!
"
"a calculator adds and divides,
subtracts, and finds products, besides.
you can also compute
a percent or square root?
all without an old ruler that slides.
"
"certain creatures, like stallions and chicks,
maintain temp'ratures, science predicts.
it's a warm-blooded feat,
so-called animal heat;
for us humans, it's ninety-eight-six.
"
"camelopardalis stargazers spy
in the north, and two bears are nearby.
though not much of a sight
('cause it isn't too bright),
this giraffe's lengthy neck is sky-high!
"
"a black hole isn't much of a sight,
for intense gravitational might
makes it dark, i recall,
because nothing at all
can escape from it, not even light.
"
"rachel's sour and unpleasant?a hater
of all?thus, acidic i'd rate her. . .
yet this test says that rach
has a basic ph?
what a poor acid-base indicator!
"
"academic, this costume's no hassle:
just a gown and a cap with a tassel.
when commencement is through,
what'll graduates do?
toss those caps in the air?the whole class'll!
"
"said agnesi, ""hey boys, it's a fact
(to ignore it shows grave lack of tact)
that the female can do
more than multiply?true,
we can also divide and subtract.""
"
"charter members declared the formation
of this long-standing organization.
though they're now but a part,
they've been in from the start?
they're to thank for this whole operation.
"
"when the acrobats stacked for a stunt,
they fell down in a heap, with a grunt.
though their tower gave way,
they were mostly okay,
'cause the man at the base bore the brunt.
"
"i have e-wailed at males and at females
for failing to answer my emails.
now that hundreds a day
hit my box, i must say
that i too net such ""answer me"" plea-mails.
"
"abjudication?judicial rejection?
should rest upon just circumspection.
but the judge who decided
that my claim's misguided
will pay, should he seek re-election.
"
"the word abjugate means ""to unlink,
disconnect, or get things out of sync.""
long ago, people spoke it,
connoting ""unyoke it.""
today, it's outmoded, i think.
"
"the assistant the mobster will get'll
have muscle and law-breaking mettle,
but his brains'll be small,
and so, taking the fall,
he'll do time for the crime of abettal.
"
"my abdominal wall forms the bounds
of the space for my guts.  it surrounds
my intestines, my spleen,
and some more in between.
on the front side, i'm packing on pounds.
"
"a coolant (we're not talking ice)
flows within or around a device
to make sure it does not
get excessively hot.
it's, ideally, inert and low-price.
"
"i tried to stay patient and calm,
but instead i blew up like a bomb:
""did you hear what i said?
get your butts into bed!
just cooperate! no more 'but mom'!""
"
"if each part seems to not correspond
to the next with some logical bond,
then it has the appearance
of lacking coherence?
comprehension, i fear, it's beyond.
"
"consumerists treasure possession,
stress that spending can end a recession,
and say purchasing stuff
is propitious enough
for suppressing a sense of depression.
"
"a competitor sometimes resorts
to unscrupulous wiles of all sorts,
for defeating one's rival
is key to survival
in politics, business, and sports.
"
"said attorney to client, ""don't worry.
i've presented a factual flurry
expressly exposing
the truth, and, in closing,
my argument will sway the jury.""
"
"the channel's a sort of a valley
you'll find on each side of the alley.
if your ball should fall in,
you'll get nary a pin;
on the scoresheet, a zero you'll tally.
"
"in bowling, at least, at the top
of my list of bad breaks is the chop:
a good shot at a spare
leaves a pin standing there;
both your mood and your average drop.
"
"some will use a conventional grip;
other bowlers place only the tip
of each finger inside?
such a grip will provide
the potential to give it more flip.
"
"my feelings were anchored and strong.
i was certain our love would last long.
but i felt double-crossed
when you shouted, ""get lost!
take a hike!"" so i guess i was wrong.
"
"conjecturers? terrible stress
can progress if a terrible mess
is the outcome of placing
your trust in them, basing
your plan on a terrible guess.
"
"hydrologically speaking, the site
at which two or more rivers unite
is a confluence?flowing
together means growing
in fluvial vastness and might.
"
"i went to the theater and dropped
seven bucks on a movie that hopped
from odd scene to odd scene
with no logic between.
cohesiveness lacking, it flopped.
"
"by increasing chlorinity, you'll
reduce waterborne germs, as a rule.
this is done to ensure
it's sufficiently pure
to consume or to use in a pool.
"
"you're intelligent, pleasant, and gentle;
your talents are not incidental.
you deserve to be praised,
so don't be amazed
to receive these remarks complimental.
"
"compartmentalize?set aside feeling
stress from problems at home when you're dealing
with clients at work,
so you don't go berserk.
thinking positive helps promote healing.
"
"the corn belt is in the midwest,
where they grow lots of corn?bet you guessed.
it's so dull, flat, and wide
that for crossing it i'd
say a plane would be plainly the best.
"
"tennis is one of the sports
that is played upon various sorts
of surfaces?clay
is the slowest, they say.
points are longer when using these courts.
"
"""grind some cornmeal and make me a shell,""
lupe said to her hijo, miguel.
he got popped straight away
when he said, ""madre, hey,
there's an easier way?taco bell!""
"
"friday mornings, at nine, we convene
in the room near the copy machine.
our boss and our staff
meet to have a good laugh
before starting our daily routine.
"
"an optometrist frowned at the piles?
patient records ascending for miles.
so he said, ""i wish these
were all saved on pcs.""
his mission: computerize files.
"
"the coracoid: bony projection
from the scapula, in the direction
of the sternum. from greek
for ""a ravenlike beak,""
it's a locus for biceps connection.
"
"a copper mine's only a hole
in which digging out ores is the goal
(chalcopyrite's one kind),
not a bomb that's designed
to explode 'neath a guy on patrol.
"
"if the ump at home plate's safely dressed,
a protector's worn over his chest.
should a ball that's tipped foul
hit this pad, he may howl,
but we won't have to lay him to rest.
"
"do the sunshine and warmth bring you cheer
during august, eighth month of the year?
though you'd think so in rome,
i call sydney my home,
and it's two degrees celsius here.
"
"?????biconvexity's easily spied:
??a body curves out on each side.
through the middle part, bulging?
??like snakes through indulging?
????the tips aren't equally wide.
"
"biconcavity: curved on each side,
????and inward, not out, i provide.
??????????see, the narrowest bit
???????round the midpoint will sit.
at the top and the bottom, it's wide.
"
"while the bears roamed the forest to forage,
some bad-mannered blonde ate their porridge.
""we've way too much grub?
what to do?"" asked the cub.
pa replied, ""she'll stay fresh in cold storage.""
"
"coordinators organize plans,
balance schedules, and issue commands.
they're the ones in control
of achieving a goal?
work gets done when it's put in their hands.
"
"compound sentences have two or more
independent components, and for
their connection, it's true
a conjunction will do;
some examples are and, but, and or.
"
"jimmy connors, a top tennis casher,
was a fiery, competitive smasher.
his confident way
and his passionate play
earned the moniker ""belleville's brash basher.""
"
"the sky clouded over today,
and along with it, spirits turned gray.
as expected, it rained,
and the kids all complained,
""go away!"" 'cause they wanted to play.
"
"""set aside your contentiousness, dear.""
""but?"" ""no buts. i do not want to hear
your perpetual pleading.
instead, try conceding;
don't fight. i'm your wife?just revere.""
"
"people like to be cordially treated:
to be welcomed and heartily greeted;
to be asked with a ""please"";
to be blessed when they sneeze;
to be offered a chair to be seated.
"
"a few different meanings are carried
by cohabitants. two of them: ""varied
species sharing a space,""
""lovers sharing a place
despite not being legally married.""
"
"collector's items: objects of rarity,
great value, or wide popularity.
irreplaceable things,
be they paintings or rings,
can extend you tremendous prosperity.
"
"a conglomeration, or mishmash, would be
miscellaneous things, a to z,
in a mixture that blends
a few odds with some ends.
such a hodgepodge, e.g.? potpourri.
"
"all too often, discomfort's been sparked
in a man when his wife has remarked,
""while i cook, shop, and clean,
you just stare at that screen,
with your lazy ass comfortably parked!""
"
"consubstantiate means to unite
in substance or nature. to cite
an example divine,
some believe bread and wine
become body and blood through a rite.
"
"cooperative: helpful and kind,
considerate, service-inclined,
synergetic, agreeing,
unselfish, and being
in league, with a ""team"" frame of mind.
"
"complex sentences often have pauses,
of which commas are often the causes.
along with the main one,
they always contain one
or many subordinate clauses.
"
"this submission's presented poetically;
my meaning's made known, hypothetically.
grammatically fun,
every element's done:
counting backward, arranged alphabetically.
"
"my hopes for grand images fizzle
when i gaze up at caelum, the chisel.
this piece of the sky
that was named by lacaille
looks like nothing, as many of his'll.
"
"an airboat (or swamp boat) just needs
a propeller in back, which succeeds
in moving it forward
much more than an oar would.
you'll see as it speeds through the reeds!
"
"causation: a husband prefers
his mistress. result: split occurs.
legal strife with the wife
puts a damper on life?
and his stuff? consequentially, hers.
"
"the core, elementary keys
of a subject are called abcs.
if you're learning a skill
and your knowledge is nil,
you'd be smart to start drilling on these.
"
"at times, an unusual meal
makes me really regret how i feel.
so i head, quite distressed,
to the medicine chest
for an anti- (run fast!) diarrheal.
"
"when replacing a lung or a heart,
azathioprine treatment is smart.
it's prescribed with intent
to prevent the event
of rejecting the transplanted part.
"
"misfortune and horrible chance
have condemned me to look at them dance.
get these klutzes to cease!
call the rhythm police!
i've a staunch anticruelty stance.
"
"what a brash and self-confident bragger!
a big talker, he walks with a swagger.
his cumbersome ego
leaves no room, so we go?
such cockiness figures to stagger.
"
"the celebes sea lies between
sulawesi and isles philippine.
it's but one of the cases
of thousands of places
i never, in person, have seen.
"
"an awarder might give out a prize,
or decree your defenses are lies
and condemn you to dwell
in a cold prison cell,
where a warder will watch your demise.
"
"your antibodies make you immune,
like a malady-fighting platoon.
with field expertise
in defeating disease,
they'll protect you at sal's greasy spoon.
"
"there's a system defined to contain
the spinal cord, teamed with the brain:
it's central and nervous
and does us a service
perceiving sensations like pain.
"
"with his putter (though less with his drive),
this adventurous spaniard would thrive.
seve had quite a run,
as he skillfully won
major tournaments numbering five.
"
"hans christian wrote poems and prose
and fairy tales everyone knows.
some examples would be:
one of princess (and pea)
and also ""the emperor's new clothes.""
"
"there are watery creatures to spy
up above, in the sea of the sky.
see the body and tail
of that heavenly whale?
that is cetus, i tell you?no lie.
"
"when you're gone for a spell, say, at school,
and your mom sends a care package, you'll
find a medley of treats
such as toys, books, and sweets.
for your body and spirit, it's fuel.
"
"a cartable load could be carted
in that cart that abruptly departed,
but it's empty instead,
for the carthorses fled
before loading the cart ever started.
"
"a calculated risk is one planned
using forethought and vigilance, and
it's a choice one has made
having carefully weighed
all the probable outcomes at hand.
"
"climatologists, nowadays storming
that trends round the world are transforming,
have warned that emissions
will make these conditions
get worse: we must stop global warming!
"
"our limericks commonly use
some humorous ruse to amuse.
still, it isn't so rare
that a verse will lack flair
and, when read, have you ready to snooze.
"
"there once was a woman, joanne,
who began life as stan, but then ran
to a specialist surgeon,
who worked, at her urgin',
to make her a truly changed man.
"
"you can try to adrenalize (spur) me,
but i'm lazy and little can stir me.
saintly angel, you should
know your counsel's no good,
for the sinful one's sure to deter me.
"
"affiliation: an interconnection
between people or firms.  an affection
can develop with some,
although others will come
by necessity, not by selection.
"
"androgenic, this drug is produced
to give masculine features a boost.
you can bolster your strength
and your size?but your length
may reduce if you dare to be juiced.
"
"i complain when my mom makes me eat
healthy ""vegetable burgers"" on wheat.
though they look sort of close
to the same, they are gross.
it's just wrong to approximate meat.
"
"an applet's a small application,
like a game or a lame animation,
that will commonly run
in a browser?well, one
that supports it?with no installation.
"
"poor ness was well known for ineptness,
having nary a shred of adeptness.
all the students, on balance,
had plentiful talents
and oodles of knowledge?except ness.
"
"albuterol aids people copin'
with ailments like asthma.  they're hopin'
inhalin' the stuff
will be helpful enough
for their airway to?daresay?stay open.
"
"my attention span isn't so good.
i can't focus as long as i should.
with my poor concentration
on your conversation?
i'm sorry, i misunderstood.
"
"anne's surgeon just earned his diploma.
when cutting out anne's angioma
(a blood vessel mass),
he struggled, alas,
and somehow? gee, anne's in a coma.
"
"these creatures of air, sea, and land?
the falcon, the fish, the fox, and
the elk and the eagle,
the bear and the beagle?
the animal kingdom is grand!
"
"to crochet, all you need is a hook
and some yarn, and then maybe a book
that will indicate which
place and manner to stitch,
with a picture of how it should look.
"
"with his boatload of know-how at sea,
able-bodied is seaman mcgee.
his skill-set entails
climbing ropes, hoisting sails,
and attaching his peg to his knee.
"
"i'm continuing learning?maintaining
my certification with training.
at times this is fun,
but i thought i was done!
getting more education is draining!
"
"corporations are run by a board
of directors and owned by a horde
of investors who'd like
the firm's profits to spike,
since they'll share in its every reward.
"
"when you're making fruit salad, you'll frown
if your nicely sliced apples turn brown.
the trick is you oughta
acidulate water
and dunk them so browning slows down.
"
"only those with a broad scottish brogue
can confirm that the cog's not in vogue.
for some long-ago folk,
such a vessel of oak
was a pail or a cup (same as cogue).
"
"not the best of the bunch, nor the worst,
was this president.  few are well versed
in this man, chester a.,
or his governing stay
(chronologically ranked twenty-first).
"
"""dear, this storm will just give us a douse,
then blow over,"" i said to my spouse.
but i soon changed my tune
once the raging typhoon
had completely blown over our house.
"
"the sac that we call amniotic,
filled with fluid inside, is ""aquatic,""
for they say ""water breaks""
when it bursts, which then makes
for events that are rather chaotic.
"
"on the new yankee workshop, norm shares
all his secrets for carpentry wares.
with a few hundred tools,
bits, and jigs, even fools
can make vanities, wardrobes, and chairs.
"
"you're bearish and grouchy and old-hearted;
you're harsh and uncaring?you're cold-hearted.
has your empathy died?
or, hid deep down inside,
are there traces of someone who's gold-hearted?
"
"an analysis often depicts
the constituent parts of a mix
that's been poured into vials
and tested through trials
and slick analytical tricks.
"
"a cost of funds index: a base
for determining rates in a place
in the mortgaging scene;
it's a regional mean
that the federal banks will embrace.
"
"i'm feeling absolvent today.
though you made a mistake, it's okay.
i forgive you?don't sweat it,
just make sure you edit
that out, or else no rfa!
"
"no confusing that scolding, accusing,
surly stare?you don't find it amusing,
having asked me to say
if you look fat today,
that i'm choosing to sit here, refusing.
"
"a clownish performer will use
wacky wigs in all manner of hues,
crazy makeup and clothes,
a bright red rubber nose,
and enormous, ridiculous shoes.
"
"andre agassi, loaded with nerve,
was a baselining rebel with verve.
sixty titles all told,
eight grand slams, plus a gold,
he was known for returning the serve.
"
"cubic functions, i'm learning, would be
polynomials where three's the degree.
my study confirms
they're the sum of four terms:
ax?, bx?, cx, d.
"
"for bowling, you need special shoes.
if you don't have your own, you can use
some they offer to rent,
but those have a foul scent,
and i really don't want to know whose.
"
"the king of the jungle has stores
of deafening strength during wars.
when wounded, it's proud
to be royally loud?
they say when it pains that it roars.
"
"the citrulline found in this melon
becomes arginine?this is compellin',
since this chemical donor
can give guys a boner?
grind the rind, eat the pits, you'll be swellin'.
"
"the choir's a-team will flee to capri,
and the b-squad will be in paris,
while the third is engrossed
off australia's coast?
choral c-corps'll see coral sea.
"
"my body image isn't so great?
i think that i need to lose weight.
a vision, idealized,
of slimness unrealized
is why i feel guilt with each plate.
"
"the critical density? it's
the mass (or the number) that fits
in a specified space,
as the singular case
of the critical state just permits.
"
"when immune cells and pathogens meet,
there's a protein the first may secrete.
this cytokine tells
other foe-fighting cells
there's an enemy here to defeat.
"
"this limerick's here to avail ya
of coral sea facts?it won't fail ya.
the great barrier reef
is a feature that's chief
in this sea off northeastern australia.
"
"bears are, naturally, fond of the bear oak;
since they snack on its acorns, it's their oak.
it's small, like a cub?
barely more than a shrub.
and outside the northeast, it's a rare oak.
"
"hostile conquerors, ruthless and bold,
vanquished foes in the conquests of old.
using weapons and bribes,
subjugation of tribes
fed their hunger for power and gold.
"
"follow closely, dear, listen and mind me:
if you wander, you may never find me.
this is no place to stray,
so please heed what i say.
follow closely, dear, stay right behind me.
"
"forecast storms, and it couldn't be fairer;
predict sunshine, and sure enough there're
gray skies, like as not.
it's the weatherman's lot
to surmise in a climate of error.
"
"in astronomy class we discussed
tiny fragments in space: cosmic dust.
to see something so little
and far, i bet it'll
make telescope usage a must!
"
"a childcare professional quit her
old job, feeling weary and bitter,
'cause the kids drove her mad
and one arrogant dad
had demeaningly called her a ""sitter.""
"
"the commercialized world that we live in
is, like it or not, profit-driven.
we're baited by scads
of ubiquitous ads;
that they're usually rot is a given.
"
"adept cosmetologists know
how to give you a radiant glow.
with some shadow and liner,
you've never looked finer?
your face went from woeful to ""whoa!""
"
"it was mild; now it's twenty below,
and we're covered in three feet of snow.
this cold wave is really
intense?it's so chilly,
i'm worried i might lose a toe.
"
"collegiate athletics include
gymnastics and football, but, dude,
we're going to school
for sports that are cool,
like keg stands performed in the nude.
"
"to cover a spare is to make
a conversion. you bragged, ""piece of cake!""
then you choked and your shot
didn't hit the right spot,
since the tournament crown was at stake.
"
"unoriginal verse might have moon
being paired rather blandly with june.
as rhymes go, they're sterile,
the bottom of the barrel,
insipidly scraped?with a spoon.
"
"got a bottle? an opener'd let
you make prying the cap off no sweat.
just be sure no one took it
beforehand and shook it,
lest soda shoot out in a jet!
"
"my business is cold packs.  i'm selling
bags of ice that can help reduce swelling.
sadly, sales aren't so hot;
guess the fact i forgot
to invest in a freezer is telling.
"
"agreements aren't commonly found
when you stubbornly fight round and round.
to end the dispute you will
need to find mutual
interests and views: common ground.
"
"if you need to get gas, film, or cereal,
or a truckload of roofing material,
you'll find it, no doubt,
on a through business route:
in the stores on a major arterial.
"
"any goal that you feel needs achieving
takes patience and will interweaving,
as when waiting in line
having had too much wine?
achievement can be quite relieving.
"
"said the steward: ""the ailerons' goal
is to make the plane bank, even roll.""
so the pilot had said,
just before he fell dead.
""please, everything's under control?""
"
"our mission: with verses five-lined,
english words, one and all, are defined.
definitions all swarm
in a limerick form?
lord, this site is just one of a kind!
"
"to get onto the freeway, i'll take
the new access road here, once i make
this right turn.  but, oh, hey?
what's this sign say? wrong way?
golly, maybe i've made a mistake?
"
"there's a codebook containing a table
with the lookups one needs to be able
to decipher this writing,
which hides some exciting
lost secrets?according to fable.
"
"some ancient astronomers saw
a celestial crab, but each claw
is quite faint, so you might
locate cancer at night
just by noticing m44.
"
"now aries, the ram, is a small
constellation. the star called hamal
is its brightest; the rest
are quite faint, so i'm pressed
to perceive any shape there at all.
"
"aquarius, heavenly bearer
of water, is nebulous. there're
many ways he's portrayed,
none of which, i'm afraid,
i can see?guess i'm not a good starer.
"
"auriga, the charioteer,
rides high on the heavenly sphere.
and capella, a star,
is his brightest by far
(well, at least it appears so from here).
"
"it can often be hard to attach
a good sign to a vague starry patch.
like, does antlia there
hint at ""pumping of air""?
(i am giving my forehead a scratch.)
"
"to defy: to resist or rebel,
to confront, disregard, or repel.
but if what you withstand
is the law of the land,
you may well wind up locked in a cell.
"
"""old glory"" has been through the wars.
it's a symbol our country adores.
though a battleworn flag
may be torn like a rag,
it can rally our troops when it soars.
"
"if you're building an arch, here's the way:
first the imposts, then each coussinet;
the voussoirs go on top,
curving inward; then stop
with the keystone, and call it a day.
"
"if the options don't meet expectations,
you should customize: make alterations.
just forget off-the-shelf;
you can build it yourself
to your very own specifications.
"
"in the rockies, blue columbine grows?
a perennial flower that shows
shades of purple or blue;
even pinks are seen too.
it's the bloom coloradoans chose.
"
"agglutination, in blood, can ensue
when an antibody acts like a glue,
causing red cells to stick
in a clump that is thick.
it's a sign that this blood's not for you.
"
"the deck is the part of the lane
where the pins are set up?what a pain
it must be for the guy
who re-spots them while i
knock them over again and again.
"
"they say crater was sent with a crow
by apollo for water, although
corvus took a long break,
then came back with a snake.
now they're all in the heavens, aglow.
"
"the massive canadian shield
is a region of bedrock revealed
by severe glaciation;
there's sparse population,
but many a mineral field.
"
"cylindriform things include rolls
of tobacco, and telephone poles,
lots of batteries, pipes,
rods, and canister types,
and their negative counterparts?holes.
"
"some say budweiser's not a real beer:
it's so light that it's practically clear,
and the absence of taste
means it's nothing but waste.
""put it back in the clydesdale!"" they sneer.
"
"you might find, in the toys and games aisle,
yellow packages shaped like a smile.
a knowledge of anagrams
helps in bananagrams?
the goal is to use every tile.
"
"petrus plancius had charted, with love,
the patterns of stars up above.
one he labeled referred
to a biblical bird
sent by noah: columba, the dove.
"
"capricornus, according to fable,
is the sea goat, a mythical label
some attribute to pan.
each winter began
with the sun here?at solstice, 'twas stable.
"
"a cudgel, or maybe a hook,
was as ""dogs,"" in translation, mistook.
now this heavenly pair
ever hunt the great bear.
it's canes venatici?look!
"
"willie horton was tops at the plate;
al kaline was hurt but still great.
mclain's 31
hasn't since been outdone,
and the tigers were champs: '68.
"
"in detroit, many hockey fans go
see the red wings perform at the joe
with an octopus, hidden
(because it's forbidden),
which, after a goal, they will throw.
"
"a hockey defenseman can skate
as fast backward as forward. how great!
he can block scoring tries
by the other team's guys,
and the best ones can also shoot straight.
"
"i drank porter and lager all day,
then for sweet, musky fruit i made way.
therefore, melon and foam
filled my belly, a home
where the beer and the cantaloupe lay.
"
"i'm facing a pressure-packed putt.
if i miss it, i won't make the cut.
that's the score that i need
for my play to proceed?
any higher, i'm out on my butt.
"
"carter beauford on drums sets the pace;
stefan lessard adds rhythm on bass.
tinsley's fiddle will soar
with the woodwinds of moore,
all while dave sings the vocals with grace.
"
"a carnivore eats only meat,
whereas plants are what herbivores eat.
but an omnivore would
think that either is good,
eating both in a diet complete.
"
"he's adorable, furry and small?
among rodents, the cutest of all.
but the maddening feature
of this little creature?
he lives in a hole in my wall.
"
"thought the weaver, ""the weaving of thread'll
be quicker with jets on my treadle.""
the loom, hard to master,
went faster and faster,
till she wished she'd installed a brake pedal.
"
"blood's compatibleness is assessed
in the lab with a cross-matching test.
a reaction between
the two samples would mean
a transfusion would not be the best.
"
"bob barker promotes his crusade
after price-guessing games have been played:
at the end of each show,
this prized host lets us know
we should have our pets neutered or spayed.
"
"the ballpoint's my favorite pen.
i like blue, but use black now and then.
they use ink that is thick;
some retract with a click
(to continue, just click it again).
"
"this bodybuilder's ponderous pecs
look as though they might pop with each flex;
his gargantuan guns
are outstanding?each one's
surely larger than most people's necks.
"
"bisexuality simply refers
to attraction or love that occurs
when a girl or a guy,
as the bi- would imply,
is allured both by hims and by hers.
"
"a knight by the name of sir spencer
had naught but a stick for defense, sir,
yet he suffered no dragon-fright.
he's much like aragonite:
solid, like calcite, but denser.
"
"first there's cleanly, the adverb: compete
in a fair, sporting manner?don't cheat;
write your code without bugs;
live your life without drugs.
then there's cleanly, the adjective: neat.
"
"confidentiality serves as a shield:
secret knowledge shall not be revealed.
you can ask 'til you're blue
in the face, but if you
are not privy, my lips will stay sealed.
"
"a cleoid is shaped like a claw.
used by dentists, it helps to withdraw
(with a sharp, pointed blade)
bits of tooth that decayed
because candy was all you would gnaw.
"
"still single at forty, ms. salter
is set to cosmetically alter
her nose and her lips
and her chest and her hips.
if you've seen her, you can't really fault her.
"
"corrosion, alas, can decrease
metal's strength and aesthetics. to cease
oxidation, acquaint
every part with some paint.
any surface exposed?rustin' piece.
"
"defaulters are debtors who halt
making payments to lenders, their vault
being empty of cash.
(since the housing price crash,
shady banks get the blame, by default.)
"
"it was turkey; he took a hard lump,
and bit down with an audible crump.
since he had but two teeth
(one on top, one beneath),
the one mouthful took ages to chump.
"
"a rocket or spacecraft, i've heard,
like a plane, can be labeled a bird.
and i guess ufos
could as well, although those
i must say are completely absurd.
"
"a chump who's a frump and quite plump
had been tricked to sit down on a stump
with a bump that was thick.
what a gullible hick!
now he's got a sore lump on his rump.
"
"i went to this school: cmu.
established: 1892.
location: mount pleasant.
all my family, at present:
central michigan chippewas, true!
"
"to the pun contest list he appended
ten puns that he thought were just splendid.
he felt sure one would win,
so he felt much chagrin
when he realized no pun in ten did.
"
"here's another strange item for you:
discriminal. haven't a clue?
as diviners define,
it applies to the line
'tween your arm and your hand. (so who knew?)
"
"i'm a spider; i have a cribellum:
that's an organ that helps me to quell 'em.
once it's aided my spinner,
i wait for my dinner.
webs catch 'em and then i death knell 'em.
"
"mix of lowland and mountain terrain,
it obtained independence from spain.
rich in culture and ore,
yes, colombia's more
than just criminals selling cocaine.
"
"i said, when they asked for my plea,
""wasn't me,"" so they told me i'm free.
a distinction in grammar
kept me out of the slammer:
it was i, but it sure wasn't me.
"
"a drapery maker named burton
invented the craftiest curtain?
even when it's pulled closed,
naked babes are exposed.
one-way fabric is shady, for certain!
"
"disorderly behavior's molesting,
interrupting, or halting the resting
state of quiet and peace
we're all due?that you cease
this disturbance is all i'm requesting.
"
"today digerent rarely is heard.
but you still could describe with this word
stomach acids that eat
and help break down your meat.
in the end, the result is a turd.
"
"solutions? suspensions? no, they,
the colloids, are something halfway.
they won't settle or strain,
and within this domain
you'll find mayonnaise, milk, and souffl?.
"
"to avoid using words in excess,
we will often find ways to say less.
for example, he has
or he is shortens as
simply he's with apostrophe s.
"
"this land is developable, i hope.
not too wet or excessive in slope,
it's a suitable space
to construct my new place.
what, you live here already? then nope.
"
"when it comes to its value, our house
is depreciative, leading my spouse
to bemoan, ""it's so low,
it's now less than we owe!""
like she needed a reason to grouse!
"
"would you like your young horse to obey?
you must give him alfalfa (that's hay)
while you whisper his name.
he'll soon learn that's no game
and, now tame, he will stop saying ""nay"".
"
"this director is too much to bear.
he will lecture and grumble and swear,
'til each shot is complete,
from his majesty's seat:
it's a monogrammed, canvas-backed chair.
"
"degenerative (""tending to worsen"")
can name a disease in a person
which causes decay
of his tissues; he may
suffer pain that'll generate cursin'.
"
"your cartilage, surely enough,
is fibrous, elastic, and tough.
in your throat and your nose
and the joints of your toes,
heaven knows it's incredible stuff.
"
"dutch 200: a bowling game where
you might spare and then strike and then spare
and then strike once again,
through to frame number ten.
it's a feat that's remarkably rare.
"
"a fat cash cow allows you to sell
on and on and keep milking it well.
human trafficking is
one such high-profit biz,
but its victims experience hell.
"
"the economy's falling apart,
so is business as usual smart?
whenever they're strapped,
all the wisest adapt?
they will think and then try a new start.
"
"an eagle eye's eyesight is keen?
as discerning as any machine.
with skillful precision,
his vigilant vision
can spot things that ere went unseen.
"
"these puzzles are always the same!
4-down is a three-lettered name
for a right-angled bend
or a wing at the end
of a building. it's ell, i proclaim.
"
"some edible plant parts are shoots,
like bamboo, whereas others are fruits,
such as plums and tomatoes,
while yams and potatoes
are tubers, and carrots are roots.
"
"when you wonder aloud and ask, ""why?""
an answerer makes a reply.
but when roles are reversed,
and the answer comes first,
you are likely that jeopardy! guy.
"
"an anagram-lover named rusty
once entered a room that was dusty.
he observed in the air
lots of particles there,
and he noticed the odor was musty.
"
"i questioned what headmaster steve meant
when he said there's some good in bereavement.
""i've been pleased,"" he replied,
""since your grandmother died,
with the rise in your quotient (achievement).""
"
"battle creek is a city where they
manufacture a crunchy array
of cereals?sweets
(which include frosted wheats)
and some healthier types (special k).
"
"when i bend, and the forecast says rain,
my old knees make me moan and complain.
there's an ache in my wrist
if i'm making a fist.
it's my woeful articular pain.
"
"why does cat litter have me enthused?
it's a granular product that's used
to absorb feline urine
and thereby ensurin'
my nose isn't over-abused.
"
"something brown on the floor made me shout.
i bent down; it was cat food, no doubt.
it was mixed with some fur,
but i couldn't be sure
of which end of the cat it came out.
"
"off to bed in the winter we go,
but our shutters are broken, and so
winds blow in, and they spread
o'er our covers in bed
frosty blanketlike layers of snow.
"
"if a bat and your skull should connect,
i'd expect that your braincase gets wrecked.
though a plate of titanium
could strengthen your cranium,
there might not be much to protect.
"
"i had chest pains, a fever, sore throat.
so my mother explained, and i quote:
""there's bronchitis inflaming
your lungs, and i'm blaming
your playing outside with no coat.""
"
"""i'm afraid i've bad news for you, ma'am.
i've completed the brain death exam
and concluded he's gone.
there's just no response on
his electroencephalogram.""
"
"while three blankets, two quilts, and a sheet
make my bedclothing bevy complete,
it gets under my skin
when they're tightly tucked in
and confining my fidgety feet.
"
"aphrodite's the word we'll review.
we hear afro, a black or brown hue,
which is coupled with dydee,
a diaper to tidy.
brown diaper? the goddess of poo!
"
"the thin, coastal nation of chile
has a shape that is really a dilly:
twenty-four times as long
as it's wide?am i wrong
if i find it a little bit silly?
"
"i should've just earned an assist
on that play?with a flick of the wrist,
i dished a nice pass
to my teammate?alas,
when the klutz shot the layup, he missed.
"
"for thirty-nine years, c?te d'ivoire
was at peace, with no warring to mar
their republic.  alas,
in the next years to pass,
brutal conflicts and coups became par.
"
"burkina faso: from france they were freed;
now a nation with notable need,
they've no shore on the sea,
plus a small gdp,
and a shortage of folks who can read.
"
"a composer from france, marc-antoine
charpentier was a guy who would spawn
snappy ditties baroque.
few today know this bloke,
for his fame disappeared when he'd gone.
"
"in back to the future, mcfly
travels back to the past, whence the guy
who would build the machine
helps the lost-in-time teen
to get back, with a bolt from the sky.
"
"sparky anderson spent seventeen
seasons leading detroit?best they've seen.
'84: won it all
with the tigers that fall.
(he'd won two with the big red machine.)
"
"a med student wrote with a stylus:
""this milky lymph fluid is chylous.
it's made in digestion
of fats, without question.
too much? try a diet that's pieless.""
"
"buzzer beaters are shots that go in
at the very last second to win.
no more tied or ahead,
the opponents instead
have to take the bad break on the chin.
"
"the bad boys would play like a thorn
in your side 'til they filled you with scorn.
no one bullied a foe
like isiah and joe,
rodman, johnson, laimbeer, and mahorn.
"
"much ado at the office today:
i got called on my lateness, they say.
(i myself missed the fuss,
fast asleep on the bus
while some blabbermouth gave me away.)
"
"enjoyableness, pleasantly swellish,
is an affable trait that i relish.
all the time that we spend
with each other, my friend,
sure is heavenly?not at all hellish.
"
"excursionists look to book flights,
and hotels for a number of nights,
for their stunning vacations
to fun destinations?
they're seeking to see all the sights.
"
"my computer is starting to die.
it's so slow! i sure hope, after i
zap a bunch of old stuff,
that will speed it enough?
else a drive that's external i'll buy.
"
"there once was a cyclist named lance?
a texan they thought had no chance.
once he'd battled his cancer,
his staggering answer
was winning six straight tours de france.
"
"this moment stays fresh in my mind:
three men left the earth far behind,
and one of them, neil,
took a step, placed his heel,
making ""one giant leap for mankind.""
"
"i went to the men's for a pee,
when a cutie crabbed up next to me,
moving sideways. his glance
could have started romance,
had he not said ""i've crabs; wanna see?""
"
"there is no need to sound an alarm?
these ephelides do you no harm.
they're nothing but freckles?
just tiny brown speckles
bedecking your face and each arm.
"
"when a meal is too slow, or too far
from the place where you currently are,
get the protein and fat,
carbs, and vitamins that
you require from an energy bar.
"
"what's a dictionary?  golly, beats me.
haven't heard of that word? could it be
in this reference book
that lists meanings? let's look?
goodness knows i've my doubts, but we'll see.
"
"a limerick coherently crafted
for this site will be carefully drafted
with good rhymes, thirteen feet,
and an anapest beat?
and maybe an author's note grafted.
"
"a bad beat is what happens in poker
when your rival, with cards mediocre,
beats incredible odds,
thanks to poker's cruel gods.
you were sure you'd won big?now you're broker.
"
"is capital punishment fair?
since you've killed, is your life fit to spare?
let's discuss for a bit?
only one place to sit?
i'll just stand?i say you get the chair.
"
"a man with significant clout
has authority: freedom to spout
on whatever he might,
whether bogus or right?
unless our votes cast the guy out.
"
"as construction site workers were waving
and clapping and practically raving,
the girls that they whistled at
grimaced and bristled at
all that offensive behaving.
"
"an angioplasty can fastly
clear a path when heart blockage is ghastly.
a balloon is strung through
a blocked vessel or two
and inflated, increasing flow vastly.
"
"at a craft fair, you probably could
purchase plenty of pots, whittled wood,
globes of glittering glass,
burnished baubles of brass?
but your spouse sure would grouse if you should!
"
"what's the deal with these closing costs? jeez!
add recording and processing fees
to appraisal, inspection,
commission collection?
what's next? charging fees for the keys?
"
"the dull, lazy teacher explains,
""abdominopelvic pertains
to a cavity where?
well, some things are in there,
but you won't have the heart or the brains.""
"
"biological parents are those
who provided the genes, and it shows.
if you think it appears
that your son's eyes and ears
look a lot like the mailman's? who knows?
"
"disauthorize means to withdraw
someone's power, to lay down the law
about what they can't do.
i've disauthorized you,
as your judgment has many a flaw.
"
"the largesse of our famed well-to-do
(warren buffett, ted turner, and crew)
is just part of our charity,
which isn't a rarity,
but a mark of the red, white, and blue.
"
"much electrobiology deals
with the heart and the brain, and reveals
electricity's role
in these organs' control.
(yes, it's more than just studying eels.)
"
"electrology deals with the use
of a current to stop or reduce
growth of bothersome hair?
slide a needle down where
one begins, and then turn on the juice!
"
"an obsolete word, namely, ewt,
got transposed from ""an ewt"" to ""a newt"".
that is what we now call
that amphibian small
and aquatic?the new word took root.
"
"who would want a fat body? a toad.
it is tissue mom nature bestowed
near the genital gland,
helping gametes withstand
hibernation, when functions are slowed.
"
"a tune was once played by a cat;
someone yelled, ""you should orchestrate that!""
the poor cat misheard it,
and, laying a turd, it
defenestrated itself and went splat.
"
"the royals and rangers and rays,
the indians, angels, and a's,
red sox, white sox, and o's,
twins and tigers and 'stros,
plus the mariners, yankees, and jays.
"
"the cylinder, sphere, and the cone
are axisymmetric, it's known;
so's the torus, no doubt.
they're symmetric about
an axis, geometry's shown.
"
"ansel adams, in photos, expressed
the majestic american west.
his images, stark,
of yosemite park
are considered as some of his best.
"
"""the word apposite,"" don vito snapped,
""means 'pertinent, proper, or apt.'
don't confuse it again
with opposite. then
it'd be apposite that you be capped.""
"
"in an edited televised scene,
a low aspect ratio's routine.
when the formatting's done,
1.33 to 1
is the width to the height on your screen.
"
"an aculeus often can bring
searing pain, as it means a sharp sting.
known as acus as well,
it can make your skin swell
and turn red as the flags in beijing.
"
"an astronomy academician
awaits halley's next apparition,
but it won't be seen here
'til a long distant year?
he'll be seeing a geriatrician.
"
"apheresis should cause no alarm.
this procedure will draw with no harm:
with a poke, blood is drained,
and the platelets, retained.
then the rest is put back in your arm.
"
"entozoon's the scholarly term
for a parasite, such as a worm,
that resides in its host.
for some people (or most)
just the thought of the thing makes 'em squirm.
"
"the sultanate state of brunei
has a standard of living that's high.
bandar seri begawan
is its capital (saw in
my atlas?and why would it lie?).
"
"an alliumphile, name of gallium,
loved garlic-themed movies. (to tally 'em
isn't hard.) in one schlocky,
odd remake of rocky,
the hero kept yelling, ""yo, allium!""
"
"to complete a 5k, i can vouch,
it takes someone who isn't a slouch.
you can walk, jog, or run,
but these miles (3.1)
can't be done with your buns on the couch.
"
"first i ran; then i swam; then i played.
the next day i felt stiff and dismayed.
as my doc would explain,
there's a name for my pain:
muscle soreness, with onset delayed.
"
"no law shall prohibit or bless
any creed; curb free speech or free press;
or say people can't meet,
if in peace, in the street,
and petition the state for redress.
"
"alleviation suggests ""making less,""
as of back pain, or pressure, or stress.
mitigation of things
that are burdensome brings
soothing feelings of hope for success.
"
"ferric oxide, fe2o3,
used in pigments and polish, can be
seen on trusses that rusted
and thus can be busted,
reduced to just crusty debris.
"
"i'm better than you, it is true,
and a bit more intelligent, too.
according to me,
these are facts plain to see,
but perhaps not according to you.
"
"the game's tight and their star's a big threat;
i'm defending him closely, and yet,
since i'm right in his face,
he falls back to make space,
and his fadeaway's nothing but net.
"
"new york is the empire state,
but there's been an enduring debate
about why that is so?
could it be all the dough
and resources that made the state great?
"
"you might find anorthite, it's said,
in an underground igneous bed.
this unique feldspar class
can be used to make glass,
and is typically white, gray, or red.
"
"a curious abecedarian
consulted a lettered librarian.
""what's the term, if you please,
for 'pertaining to bees'?
is it bee-ish?""  ""no, see apiarian.""
"
"""i figger i'll do me some killin',""
laughed ross.  ""i get off on blood spillin'.""
with a razor his tool,
he was brutal and cruel,
slashing dozens, this barbarous villain.
"
"thanks to austria, strauss is enjoyed,
and without it, the world would be void
of marie antoinette,
and we shouldn't forget
to add governor arnold and freud.
"
"amphibian features are found
on some creatures that walk on the ground.
they've no scales and four legs;
they developed in eggs.
to the water their breeding is bound.
"
"a map can display the geography,
be it climate or roads or topography,
of the world or one part,
and the methods or art
of producing one's known as cartography.
"
"wisconsin, iu, osu,
msu, minnesota, purdue,
illinois, penn state?then
add northwestern: big ten.
wait, there's michigan. iowa, too.
"
"a good anagram's tougher; that's plain.
look, one critical rule does constrain:
every letter to finish.
boom! solutions diminish.
sometimes dire, shabby filth may remain. ??j
"
"it's a brief, abrupt burst, as of light,
or of joy, or of wit, or of fright.
it's some hot breaking news
or a bulb that you use
on a camera to make a scene bright.
"
"a floodlit event is made bright
by floodlights that shine in the night.
high-intensity beams
can illuminate teams
on a stadium field?what a sight!
"
"a force-out occurs in the case
that a runner cannot stay in place
(to make room for one more)
and he fails to (before
the ball makes it there) reach the next base.
"
"to glint or to suddenly glare,
intermittently flicker or flare,
or to open one's clothes
as to boldly expose
that one's body is otherwise bare.
"
"i was fair-haired, until my new bloke
said he favored brunettes?my heart broke.
so i dyed my hair brown.
when he saw me, his frown
showed that clown had been making a joke!
"
"curtain's fallen?it's time to reflect
on a sure hall-of-famer elect.
you've been clutch as our captain;
your exploits are mapped in
the hearts of your fans with re2pect.
"
"in our workshop, my clumsy friend jay
was polishing metal one day
when i heard him start swearing?
the brush wheel was tearing
the pants he was wearing away!
"
"the dominican republic's main lingo
is spanish, you ignorant gringo.
on an island with haiti,
mean temperature's eighty;
its capital's santo domingo.
"
"for respect, a reporter is wise
to just stick to the facts. i'd advise
never writing a rant
with one's own biased slant?
one should not editorialize.
"
"though we once drove each other quite mad,
i've agreed to be buried near dad.
in the family plot
both our corpses will rot.
(since he died, he has not been that bad.)
"
"ejectors are things that can throw
something out. want examples? let's go:
they expel empty shells,
discharge water from wells,
or use jets to force fluids to flow.
"
"albert einstein developed this theory
that was weird to most laymen, and eerie,
where m times c-squared
on the right side compared
to the left side, which had but a mere e.
"
"if a process or program's effective,
it fulfills an intended objective.
but alas, with my plan,
things have all hit the fan,
so i'll need to take actions corrective.
"
"my wife bought a tiny new car.
its compactedness seems quite bizarre?
getting in's a tight fit;
on the gas tank you sit.
it's like jamming your ass in a jar.
"
"articulation in plants? do they speak?
well now, some of them whistle or creak;
but it's speaking of joints
at particular points
that are sometimes supposed to be weak.
"
"dagwood bumstead and blondie, his wife,
have endured many years without strife.
he's a comical slouch
who loves naps on the couch
and huge sandwiches?man, what a life!
"
"my despisedness means that disgust
fills the eyes that i'm seen with; i trust
people think that my style
is distinctively vile,
because under their breath i am cussed.
"
"a drawhead's the flanged outer end
of a drawbar; the term can extend
to the drawgear in full,
which allows you to pull
the next car in the train that you tend.
"
"dave bing received numerous cheers?
his was one of the greatest careers.
as a guard for detroit,
he was fast and adroit,
making marvelous plays for nine years.
"
"reading backwards can be a fun game.
like ""miami"" read backwards: ""i maim.""
in a palindrome's case,
make this same about-face
and the phrase, in reverse, is the same.
"
"an eastern gray squirrel will stash
bits of food that it finds in a flash.
using landmarks and smell,
it remembers quite well
the location of each little cache.
"
"i scoop poop fourteen hours a day
with no breaks, for a pittance of pay.
this unpleasant employment
is void of enjoyment?
i hate it in every which way.
"
"burundi's a nation that's poorer
than nearly all others. it's sure a
locale that's had more
than its fair share of war,
and its capital's called bujumbura.
"
"your deceivableness means that you're thick,
and you'll gullibly fall for a trick.
a person who's less
than respectful might guess
you're a hick or a yellow-haired chick.
"
"an intelligent, whimsical man,
j. m. barrie has many a fan.
fly to neverland! stay
young forever, he'd say
in his fairy-tale play, peter pan.
"
"you'll find that it's easy enough
to demolish destructible stuff,
like a house made of straw
or of sticks, as we saw
when the wolf came to huff and to puff.
"
"we get on, so i'd like to extend
you my hand?will you please be my friend?
oh, you will? hey, that's great.
now we've settled that, mate,
have you six hundred quid you could lend?
"
"canadian football?'s the name
of a game most canucks give acclaim.
professionals take up
the quest for the grey cup?
a trophy that's brimming with fame.
"
"at a bullfight in old cartagena,
i welcomed the chance to explain a
new term to my date:
""soon the bull meets his fate,
once the fighter completes the faena.""
"
"it's a term from the olden greeks' art,
and its use will convey that you're smart:
a girl you call ""quite
callipygian"" might
later show you her shapeliest part.
"
"an old pirate, the day he turned eighty,
noticed something quite neat, if not weighty.
no more seventy-nine,
he could now say this line
with a new hidden meaning: ""aye, matey!""
"
"common yarrow has morphed its condition
'cross a wide geographic transition.
these plants form one cline
among those we assign
to a species with broad definition.
"
"as conditions get drier and drier
in a forest, there's more risk of fire.
when you're out in the woods,
please be careful with goods
such as matches?misuse could be dire.
"
"the old fisherman cast out his line
to catch fish upon which he would dine.
he is angling to stay
on the water all day,
'cause at home all his wife does is whine!
"
"watching sesame street, every kid
knows the name of the monster who'd bid
to eat cookies all day.
(it turns out, by the way,
that this blue muppet's real name is sid.)
"
"a classifier separates grades
of material as it cascades
through a series of screens?
things from boulders to beans.
it's a tool used in numerous trades.
"
"the brilliant but odd seymour cray
devised the computer array.
most experts agreed
its phenomenal speed
made mincemeat of tough fea.
"
"a computer-type hacker named cyrus,
of money was greatly desirous.
after malware he loaded
had quickly exploded,
he charged for removing his virus.
"
"a divisive old dude who was bright
argued, ""issues are black or they're white.
those shades of off-gray?
they don't make my day.
don't agree? well, then go fly a kite!""
"
"a day's work i will often breeze through
without having to worry and stew.
when my work falls behind,
for the most part i mind,
but sometimes i just drink a brew.
"
"i penned a diglottic romance
in german and french. by some chance,
it was praised in berlin;
but in france, i can't win:
their critics won't give it a glance.
"
"a deplorate old boozer i knew
couldn't keep his libations to two.
he'd down the whole case
at a pretty quick pace;
then he'd wake up and ask for a brew.
"
"a desperate choker in jail
tried escaping, but couldn't prevail,
so he growled, ""where's my broker?
that witch! i will choke her
unless she comes up with the bail.""
"
"as a diffident chap, i'll confess
that my ego, at times, is a mess.
in the holiday season,
i blush without reason
and sigh, ""merry christmas, i guess.""
"
"a lackluster degu, who knew
that his image was shabby, would stew.
so he married a hare
to assume savoir faire,
but he's still just a rat from peru.
"
"there once was a gnome and a gnu
who were quaffing a pint (well, a few!).
while sharing their beer,
the gnome said, ""oh dear,
this brew's only three damn point two!""
"
"the bunker, concealed among trees,
 had brought my platoon to its knees.
this defense that they made
was a great defilade,
and i swore at the tough japanese.
"
"a bumbling old daysman named pudge
was an umpire, some sort of judge.
since his rulings were specious
and always capricious,
his judgments we'd often begrudge.
"
"a cautious devoter named mel
thought that all life's religions were swell.
to each god he would pray
in a half-hearted way.
did it work? mel's now dwelling in hell.
"
"i know there is not much regard
for the old and archaic decard,
but you do save a letter.
(does that make it better
than its synonym cousin discard?)
"
"a deathtrap! ? the chevy corvair,
but drivers of old didn't care.
ralph nader would chafe:
""they are really unsafe,""
and began to make buyers beware.
"
"a dirty old sand crab (and smelly)
had problems with filling her belly ?
lost her chely, or claw,
said, ""well, that's the last straw!
now i'll have to get fed at my deli.""
"
"an old chaus made friends with a mouse,
but the mouse wouldn't visit his house,
and remarked to the lynx,
""your housekeeping stinks.""
said his friend, ""you do nothing but grouse!""
"
"here's my ""bravo"" to tree hugger gore,
whose kilowatt usage will soar,
'cuz his house fills his lot,
and his pool must be hot.
are al's principles just for the poor?
"
"does my rhetoric ramble? oh yes.
do my topics seem fuzzy? i guess.
yes, my listeners ponder
why my sentences wander.
my answer ? i simply digress.
"
"relief was the hope of a man
who, while using the can in iran,
found he'd emptied his bowels
clear up to his jowls
and fell in, though that wasn't his plan.
"
"""where have holly and molly, by golly, gone?""
""i think holly and molly have prolly gone
home, where holl fangles
exterior angles
extending the sides of moll's polygon.""
"
"this basketball star was a sayer
of very tall tales as a layer
of ladies in bed?
twenty thousand, he said.
wilt chamberlain?man, what a player!
"
"fleet admirals? there aren't any more.
the united states only had four
naval officers hold
this top rank, and i'm told
that they served in the second world war.
"
"a good limerick's no trouble to fashion:
avoid lines that are metrically clashin',
bring together some rhymes,
build in humor at times,
and enjoy it.  for some, it's a passion!
"
"the fine print at the bottom? beware,
the important bit often is there:
all the terms, limitations,
and qualifications
they really would rather not share.
"
"annectant?'s a word?yes, i checked?
that means ""serving to join or connect,""
like a species of bean
that lies somewhere between
two bean cousins, in some key respect.
"
"articulate speech is well said?
your message makes sense in my head.
your thoughts are not jumbled,
nor are your words mumbled,
but uttered quite clearly instead.
"
"p. t. barnum would put on a show
(the ""greatest on earth,"" don't you know),
and freaks would be in it.
and born every minute:
a sucker who'd pay him to go.
"
"i shall offer this bit of advice:
baffin island is not very nice
for seaside vacations.
(unless your temptation's
to swim among pieces of ice.)
"
"on borneo, mountains rise high,
and the climate is humid, not dry.
this island in asia
is shared by malaysia,
indonesia, and also brunei.
"
"an old grave digger moaned in dismay,
""oh, this body is rife with decay.
with this ditch spade i've got
i could dig a new plot,
but it surely would take me all day.""
"
"said a guy as he rode on a dinky,
""choo-choo soot makes my twinkie turn inky,
and the smoke is so thick
that i feel kind of sick.
locomotives are often quite stinky!""
"
"to waterboard: ruthless incursion
to simulate water demersion.
it flouts the intention
of geneva's convention
(some feel it's a heinous perversion).
"
"""so this? thing?did it leave any tracks?""
""no, inspector. i'm sure of my facts.
what i glimpsed through the gloom
of my dear daughter's room
was a strange, writhing beast with two backs!""
"
"a wood nymph who dwelt in a dell
fell under a satyr's hard sell.
in her dingle they wrangled
and wriggled, entangled,
until she came under his swell.
"
"with his income rock bottom, it seems
that the deadbeat old broker still dreams.
he says, ""big friggin' deal!
just like madoff, i'll steal
with some ponzi-type swindling schemes.""
"
"major dad was a pretty harsh fellow.
""son, join the marines!"" he would bellow.
i said, ""dad, i'm your kin,
but they won't let me in.
i've a streak that's both wide and bright yellow.""
"
"an electron, while in a transition,
will jump-start a spectral emission.
if you take a close peek,
each atom's unique,
resulting in sure recognition.
"
"prince charlie would carp and he'd moan:
""mummy's lifespan could out-span my own.
i don't want to shirk,
but i've no bloody work,
and camilla's just hot for the throne!""
"
"the doctor who didn't like pus
stammered, ""please do not call me a wuss,
but of yellowish stuff
i've had more than enough,
so abscession we need not discuss.""
"
"avaricious embalmers once said
to a digger, ""we're all badly fed.
some poor souls we'll inject;
then they'll perish, correct?
we will all collect after they're dead!""
"
"a geek we would often malign
wrote convolute code (not straight line).
when told to eschew
his use of ""go to"",
said, ""go to! it is running just fine.""
"
"my priest said, ""your doubts i'll dispel
about going to heaven or hell.
if you tithe for each year
you'll have nothing to fear,
and in heaven no doubt you will dwell.""
"
"there is an old biker named lance,
who keeps on surprising in france,
where the drug tests again
and again are in vain,
'cause he's clean (which they knew in advance).
"
"since our solons have gone round the bend
with the money they've chosen to send
to bad bankers, i shout,
""we should not bail them out!
no more taxpayer credit extend!""
"
"how much does it cost for a pall
to cloak my chum's body and all?
so uncovered in death  ?
yes, it does take my breath,
and is stinky enough to appall.
"
"a coder was losing his wits:
""this program is giving me fits!
it'll take me a while,
but i must decompile
to make sense out of all of these bits.""
"
"there once was a fellow who'd bluster,
""i've invented a rocket combustor.""
critics said with disgust,
""there is not enough thrust,
so, by god, you will need to adjust her.""
"
"very adipose folks? say ""haul ass!""
and i'll state, without being too crass,
they must each come to grips ?
it may take them two trips
to move cheeks of such ponderous mass.
"
"demonology's study, it's said,
is a path you must carefully tread.
if you've too much affinity
with quasi-divinity,
then, yes, you could end up quite dead!
"
"deutohydrogurets bind
two h's with some other kind
of an element, so
one would be h2o,
but the use of this term has declined.
"
"a tightroping acrobat, paul,
almost suffered an ill-fated fall.
hearing somebody's cell,
he careened?nearly fell,
but he's fine; it was just a close call.
"
"this florida franchise came near
a league title in just their third year,
but subsequent seasons
have given few reasons
for fans of the panthers to cheer.
"
"the coyotes have seldom been threats
for the cup, which i bet sure upsets
all their fans.  they're as cursed
as the team they were first:
the original winnipeg jets.
"
"they've the hottest of hockey team names,
and the saddledome's home to their games.
they rejoiced hoisting up
'89's stanley cup.
fire on ice, they're the calgary flames.
"
"since the buffalo sabres were founded,
success hasn't really abounded.
the team took the ice
in the cup finals twice,
but of late they have mostly been pounded.
"
"the indians (formerly naps)
have chief wahoo adorning their caps.
'97: though winning
in game 7's ninth inning,
cleveland lost in a savage collapse.
"
"the white sox play baseball with pride
in a park on chicago's south side.
in '05 they earned cheers?
after 88 years,
they at last had a third title ride.
"
"a poet sought comic relief
via limericks, lively and brief,
but the words that he coined
were absurdly conjoined?
and set ogden to gnashing his teef.
"
"the edmonton oilers would thrive
in the '80s, the club winning five
stanley cups, but since then,
they have not won again,
and success has been tough to revive.
"
"a precocious boy wonder named ned
had talents quite special, they said.
'cause before he was three
he became an md,
and revived seven patients thought dead.
"
"as a child, i would sit back and mumble
""why must art gum i use always crumble?""
that it was an eraser
but not a defacer ?
once i learned of that fact, no more grumble.
"
"""now decharm my wife gwin,"" arthur said
to the witch, ""or i'll lop off your head.
though she's under your spell
at the black gates of hell,
she'll be perfectly well if you're dead.""
"
"yes, my chocolate caramels are great ?
the best in the nation, first rate.
you'll turn downright euphoric.
oh, sure, they're caloric,
but your low-sugar diet can wait.
"
"when she gave me a glance ?  a come hither,
i was set in a bit of a dither.
but when our love started
she suddenly farted
and prompted my ardor to wither.
"
"a tamale-mad mueller named miller
screamed, ""i sink mein maize culler's a killer!
vile sorting der grain
he added cocaine
und now all der eaters are stille!""
"
"this bloke is as guilty as sin ?
just look at the trouble he's in!
the truth he must bend,
and the law's not his friend:
his deraignment depends upon spin.
"
"i have reached a new height of concern
that my paramour never will learn
if my passions are lit,
or i'm just in a snit.
these moods she'd do well to discern.
"
"a tamale-mad miller named muller
pulled port from his post as a huller
to sort the corn's shucks.
puled poor port, ""this job sucks!""
mumbled muller, ""my culler's off-color.""
"
"the guy is obtuse  ?  a real dizzard.
he has an old buddy ? a wizard.
now out in the snow
the two oddballs go.
a wizard ? a dizzard ?  a blizzard!
"
"on tv, they repeated a key play
in the match, with a slow action replay,
thus repeating a scene
that we all just had seen
on the screen, with a slow action replay.
"
"abhominal beasts are unkind,
inhuman, and hardly refined.
lacking tenderness, crude,
they're barbaric and rude
and to savage behavior inclined.
"
"a tribute to clothes hangers: holders
for garments, they're shaped like your shoulders.
i will hang all these shirts,
since my wife's response hurts
if a wrinkle takes shape when i fold hers.
"
"environmentalists seek to protect
from each harmful, polluting effect
water, air, birds and bees,
and above all else, trees?
they're out hugging some now, i suspect.
"
"said a meteorologist, heather,
""barometric and pressure, together,
form a measure, you know,
be it high, be it low,
that we study to forecast the weather.""
"
"this central american nation
has the region's most dense population.
being prone to bad breaks
such as landslides and quakes,
it's too often in need of salvation.
"
"a plastics creator was wise
in learning to polymerize
a resin?not wood,
but acrylic.  it's good
for coating things everyone buys.
"
"endostosis (it's not widely known)
is when cartilage turns into bone.
it's a process, you see,
where a process could be
the formation accordingly grown.
"
"bhutan's a small nation that's set
in the east himalayas.  to get
into india, best
to head south, east, or west?
going north, you'll wind up in tibet.
"
"an entryway's part of the route
you would use to go in, without doubt.
but, oddly, the name
of this room stays the same
even when it is used to go out.
"
"i've been told i'm a total dead ringer
for my model and hero, j. springer.
check out my next show,
called ""the nazi, the ho,
and the bishop"" ? it's quite a humdinger!
"
"there once was a dish (wed a spoon),
and a cow that could jump o'er the moon,
and a laughing dog who
saw all this sport through.
did a cat really fiddle a tune?
"
"cyclotomy (study of 1)
for us math geeks provides lots of fun,
as 1's roots are complex,
and in many respects
the research on them still is not done.
"
"said a confident capo named bonds,
""the sheriff is dragging those ponds
for those bums that we whacked
but he's screwed ? that's a fact
'cause he's finding just ditchmoss and fronds.""
"
"a certain directness makes bess
a lady who causes me stress.
when i asked her to bed,
she said, ""sooner be dead.
i've a cactus i'd rather caress.""
"
"""casu marzu with dinner? well, sure!""
i exclaimed on my italy tour.
now my bowels are packed
and my anus is wracked
by the cheese avec maggots du jour.
"
"as a pitcher, the guy was no dud;
dizzy's fastball would make a loud thud.
in his broadcaster's booth
dizzy's words were uncouth:
he'd say, ""into third base, he has slud!""
"
"my rex says he's using a dicer:
cut in cubes, last year's mutton tastes nicer.
yes, this grub is quite old,
and it's covered with mold,
but then rexy's a very fine spicer.
"
"like my laptop, i wish i could freeze,
and not fret about bosses to please.
the computer can halt,
pause, or crash without fault.
to stop work, though, i need a disease!
"
"an inuit nomad i know
was stricken with illness and woe.
he drew a deep breath,
said, ""to hasten my death
i think i'll just go with the floe.""
"
"a database tactic of geeks
was avoiding excessive disk seeks.
with an index or key
it was easy (you see):
direct access ?  the best of techniques.
"
"a nervous old bootlegger said,
""a lot of new buyers are dead.
i think my distiller
just might be their killer ?
his moonshine is loaded with lead.""
"
"there once was a ball hawk named dwight ?
his position? the outfield (in right).
he could catch any fly
'cause he had a great eye,
and was fast as a falcon in flight.
"
"peenem?nde achieved much renown
when its rockets, on london, rained down.
the  buzz bomb  fell first
but the v-2 was worst ?
a conception of wernher von braun.
"
"for your love, i would swim the world's seas;
i would crawl through glass shards on my knees.
but when in-laws come calling,
with all of their squalling,
my devotedness carries high fees.
"
"the homeless man's shirt was all dinge:
crumbs of food and a cigarette's singe.
it was as dirty as hell ?
not to mention the smell
of the vomit he spewed on a binge.
"
"a flower bloomed high on my hill ?
a flower that sang of love's thrill,
and early in spring
new flowers will sing,
but my flower's sweet voice now is still.
"
"disglory's the state that i find,
but versailles is a french state of mind.
so i'll start world war two ?
bid the treaty adieu ?
let the cheese-eaters watch on the rind.
"
"your dog's at your desk for a spell,
writing e-mail and limericks as well.
though his login is ""bowser"",
when using your browser
on the internet, no one can tell.
"
"when a man wandered deep in thick fog,
slipped and flipped as he tripped on his dog,
landed flop on the top
of some vile, viscous slop,
he became just a lump on a bog.
"
"an arthritic (and blind) bloke named ned
said, ""my hemorrhoids were sore and they bled.
an h preparation
would have been my salvation,
but i used my ben-gay tube instead!""
"
"the prophet's divinement was grim:
""the tomorrows of mankind look dim.
there are more and more kooks
who have menacing nukes ?
any hopes for this planet are slim.""
"
"a dim bulb? it's a light on your tree
that may flicker and be hard to see,
or those lacking iq
could qualify too.
""hey, you ? are you tawkin' 'bout me?""
"
"in the summer of sixty and one,
our units went north for some fun.
their lads charged en masse ?
p.g.t. kicked their ass
in the battle that's known as bull run.
"
"a lost miner's rancorous din:
""i am finding no gold here,  just tin.
i got down on my knees,
and saw nothing but creaze.
this pit is ""the pits"" ? i can't win.
"
"""read this compend i bought in the store.""
""no, a shortcut i really abhor.
i possess in my home
the original tome.
i find digests are terse and a bore.""
"
"the demandant, a plaintiff called cole,
said: ""your honor! he robbed and he stole!
then he flashed a sharp knife,
and sped off with my wife ?
say again, why's he out on parole?""
"
"her deep-fet sighs tear at my heart,
but i'm planning to dress and depart.
i'll see her no more
as she's only a whore.
oh, dear! i do love my sweet tart!
"
"preacher pat was disquieting? yes,
he came drunk with two tarts. what a mess!
then he got out his gun ?
shot a nun just for fun.
said, ""great party,  must go  now, god bless.""
"
"my digesture is all out of whack
from rich food and a very large snack.
though my gut may complain,
i just cannot abstain
when a cheesecake's in need of attack.
"
"a hausfrau of sorts, name of braun,
said, ""my adie's the talk of the town.
a thousand year reich ?
that's a very  long hike,
but i'm sure he'll achieve some renown.""
"
"in combat, i'd heard that soft clink,
and so had a soldier called link.
any second now  he
will come looking for me ?
out of ammo ? my life's on the brink!
"
"a divorc?e who thought solo life swell
sighed, ""my man wasn't ringing my bell,
so i made him my ex.
he was hopeless at sex,
paying billls?and at housework, as well.""
"
"in combat, our chaplain would whine
and to heaven he'd look for a sign.
when the bombs got too near,
he would tremble in fear
as he prayed for a rescue divine.
"
"she seems to be sort of a mole,
this desman i spy on my stroll,
but the feet of a swimmer
afford me a glimmer:
she isn't at home in a hole.
"
"said a rich country redneck i'd met,
""a dinette is a place where i et.""
""you know, et's not a word.""
he shrugged, ""who gives a turd?
most folks that say ""eat"" are in debt!""
"
"there was once an incontinent viper
who desperately needed a diaper,
but he wasn't too happy
'bout wearing a nappy,
when grass made a better asp-wiper.
"
"a chap who had felt he was dissed
said, ""i'm lazy?  i'm ethnic?  i'm pissed!
but i have enough brass
to sit on my ass;
on the dole i will gladly subsist.""
"
"a triumph for power in flight
was zat aeronef (flown by o. wright).
we frenchmen disdain
zat english word, plane?
eh, what was that? go fly a kite?
"
"we'd defixed phony labels on gin,
but da cops said de fix wasn't in.
""do doze cops think its funny?
dey've taken our money!
i might hafta start breakin' de chin.""
"
"all my lawyers, as one, disadvise:
do not keep on proclaiming those lies
when you meet him in court
to dispose of your tort,
else in jail you might see how time flies!
"
"""you've disclaundered his life and his name,
and that action should bring you great shame.
our image of stalin,
it grieves me, has fallen.
for the war dead, our leader you blame?""
"
"the decolling took place late at night,
and the deathsman's swing veered to the right.
half her head hit the ground
with a dull thudding sound.
said the axeman, ""who's blocking my light?""
"
"she turned in displeasure, eyes wide.
""but you said that you loved me,"" she cried.
""don't be angry with me
for my tryst with marie.
i just need some sweet fluff on the side.""
"
"the despoiler dispatched the last one ?
left her carcass to rot in the sun.
""let the wardens pursue,
and i'll slaughter them too.
i'll be rich when these tusks fetch a ton!""
"
"a rent-a-cop fellow named trask
would sometimes shout loudly, ""dismask!""
(if a customer's hood
hid more face than it should),
""but it's only for safety i ask.""
"
"the declarant said, ""judge, it's not true
that i promised to pay this debt due.
it was hearsay at best,
and my words, i attest,
were revised ? now i'm ready to sue!""
"
"we've disrouted them time and again,
but the zombies, sans brains, can't be slain.
though we slash all their throats
and they thrash in our moats,
the undead still come back. what a pain!
"
"the disvalue we've placed on your plot
may cause worry and stress you a lot,
but the whorehouse next door
and the junkies galore
mean we don't think your hovel's worth squat!
"
"heard this gem could be derworth ? made haste
to grab it. (and then i was chased!)
but alas, now i fear
that this rock is not dear,
for my fence says it's merely glass paste.
"
"an anxious young shopper named paul
hurried out to the stores at the mall.
as he revved up his chevy
the traffic was heavy?
appallingly slow?all acrawl.
"
"chef chester tried hard to disguise
a dinnerly dish of newt's eyes,
but king arthur got ill
from one bite of his swill.
(an unpleasant digestive surprise!)
"
"the slim figure is strange, and i guess
that she might  have a bomb in her dress.
she gives me a frown
as i'm patting her  down.
is this woman displosive? oh, yes!
"
"a hemorrhoid  sufferer, ray,
by mistake grabbed a tube of ben-gay.
he inserted  its tip,
did a quick double flip,
and remarked, ""man, this isn't my day!""
"
"i'm distroubled a lot by your words:
""mum, the john's overflowing with turds,""
and it is a real bummer
you've not called the plumber.
your crisis control's for the birds.
"
"to dispark the old wolf was my scheme,
but his pounce from the cage made me scream ?
then his chomp on my thigh
brought a blood-curdling cry,
but, thank god, it was only my dream!
"
"some deathful scenes make your skin crawl
such as scaling berlin's tragic wall,
or the deeds of jeff dahmer ?
but a suicide bomber
deals the messiest death of them all.
"
"i chided my childly old paw:
""i am tired of you calling me maw.""
me maw ain't no more,
but now paw ain't so sure?
his dementia's a bone in my craw.
"
"noble knight, thou art truly a sight,
as thy mail drips with blood from the fight.
so discase thine apparel
or else wear a barrel.
merlin's cave's got roast boar on tonight!
"
"a plumber (and poet) was flirtin'
with censorship (very uncertain).
so he flushed the foul word
(in this case, it was turd)
to avoid being blocked by the ""curtain.""
"
"a mutinous seaman named frank
made his captain and crew walk the plank.
at his trial the judge said,
""you're not right in the head,""
so he only got busted in rank.
"
"the crapnel was dragging the sound
till it  suddenly struck a soft mound.
when they hauled up that hunk
it was slimy and stunk.
had (at last) jimmy hoffa been found?
"
"my old chevy would bounce and then rock.
my mechanic said, ""let me take stock?
it's two dashpots you need?""
but with price not agreed,
i am still getting over the shock.
"
"a bluegrass musician named stone
picks his tunes with a tremulous tone.
with his dobro on lap,
this fast-fingered young chap
plays those sweet soulful blues (with a moan).
"
"disinterment was ordered posthaste.
the condemned-to-death  prisoner paced.
would unburying show
what the court didn't know,
or an innocent life be erased?
"
"forced to crouch, with a cave-in a threat,
the poor miner dug coal, wiping sweat.
as he picked and he fought
through the dust, came this thought?
""a day older and deeper in dette.""
"
"a daker of files was for sale
inside of old bailey (my jail).
with these tools i'll saw free.
there's no way they'll nab me.
i'll be home by tonight without  fail.
"
"in a ditch her back wheels were immersed:
""well,  i tried by engaging in first,
but i revved up too much
and i burned out the clutch,
so my axle was dead. how i cursed!""
"
"there once was a chicklet i knew
who believed her affairs were too few.
she spent time with a rooster
in hopes that would boost her,
but ended up mixed in a stew.
"
"by derning himself in a cave
he hoped that his life he would save,
but he curled up and wept
as exploding shells crept
near the hole that might soon be his grave.
"
"the captain disruddered our craft.
(we were sure the old bloke had gone daft!)
said a mate, ""now i fear
we've a ship we can't steer.""
""hell, control's overrated,"" i laughed.
"
"""my stocks are all traveling south,""
said a frustrated trader named routh.
""i'm bled white by my broker,
this joker, bram stoker,
and i'm feeling real down in the mouth.""
"
"it's doublethink, what you just said:
""there are zombies come back from the dead.""
in your very next breath,
you said, ""final is death!""
that makes little good sense, i'm afraid.
"
"the drotchels had stirred us with cries
and were hitting on all of our guys.
these camp-following sluts
drove the sarge raving nuts
as the men would not zip up their flies.
"
"in drydock at pearl, ""the big e""
was patched up real quick  after she
had limped back from our fleet
who had caused the defeat
of the japs in the solomon sea.
"
"it's hot. my house stinks. it's mid-summer.
the ooze and the insects ? a bummer.
our waste line, corroded,
from gas just exploded.
""needs a downcomer pipe,"" says the plumber.
"
"i'll displat and then wash  my long mane
since my jane has begun to complain.
she says she sees lice
that are bigger than mice,
and much munching might make me  insane.
"
"off of first, see the base runner prance
in the hope that he soon will advance,
but the rally could stall
if a double play ball
goes from tinker to evers to chance.
"
"the germans were kicking our butts,
and had thought we'd lost all of our guts;
so they proffered  a tender
demanding surrender,
but mcauliffe replied simply: ""nuts!""
"
"""who's that deep-eyed old chap in the chair?
he seems calm with no worry or care.""
""that's my wife's lover, nate.
he's deceased as of late.
don't you love his strong smell and that stare?""
"
"a  bell cow investor is one
who'll encourage investors to run
to their brokers and say,
""let me in on his play
'cause that fellow is making a ton!""
"
"there once was a captain named frank
whose tactics and leadership stank.
he was quickly relieved ?
and the sentence received?
the court-martial's verdict ? disrank.
"
"the death chair's uncommon today
since the death gurney largely holds sway.
for nefarious crime
perps can serve a long time
on appeal ?  a death sentence delay.
"
"to save one of us grabbing the lot,
a divided up plot's what we got.
and the judgement  was fair:
every heir got a share,
but the squatters got diddly-squat.
"
"major murphy was loud and assertive:
""to win we'll use tactics  divertive.
we'll feint from the right
then attack with full might!""
(they retreated in ways that were furtive.)
"
"the accused said, ""your honor, i'm faint,
and i don't understand the complaint.""
he was handed his fate
when the judge said, ""you're late
with your taxes; i order distraint.""
"
"don't say you were never clued in.
i told you that drinking's a sin.
""go ahead, make my day!""
is not what i'd say
to three cops,  with your snoot full of gin.
"
"a didal, a kind of a spade
used by gardeners, no longer is made.
a quick hole it could dig
(although not very big)
with its sharp, but triangular, blade.
"
"yes, i crocked up  just once in my life.
i was wretched from nerves and life's strife.
found my wife with a bloke,
and both died with one stroke
when i skewered the pair with my knife.
"
"to disturn their attack is a must,
as towards our weak center they thrust.
but our major bugged out
(he's a cowardly lout) ?
and we thought he was one we could trust.
"
"iwo's dirkness dissolves into day,
and a deadly new game the japs play,
as a sniper with ease
from his roost in the trees
shoots a man, then at eve slips away.
"
"a diswitted young bank robber, mel,
thought his coffers would soon need to swell.
he said, ""give me your money!""
""we're out right now, sonny.""
""well, call me. i'll give you my cell.""
"
"is our cosmos expanding? correct,
and that action we clearly detect:
stars increasingly swift
will display a red shift
which we know as the doppler effect.
"
"""a demiman?"" asked bosun drew,
""a  mate who's been chopped into two?""
""no, a bloke of small worth ?
not the salt of the earth.""
""well, i don't want that knave in my crew!""
"
"do you know that the ladies' name, emma?
one not found on my family's stemma?
when preceded by ack,
signaled morning attack,
when slurred orders could cause a dilemma?
"
"""i'm downbound; i'm heading for hell,""
said a worried old sinner named mel.
""between tootsies and crack,
plus much booze and some smack,
old st. pete's  gonna bid me farewell.""
"
"as chef i disveloped great skill
by reading gwyn's cookbook, burnt swill.
i got better at batter
(soup too, for that matter),
and roast newts for ""king arthur's mixed grill""!
"
"disorder is rampant and rife,
and the world is chaotic with strife.
you may think you are set
but there's always the threat
that time's arrow will cut like a knife.
"
"the downsteepy hollow was chill,
and at bottom was moonshiner  bill.
the slope was so steep
that you might have to creep,
but your jug you could fill at bill's still.
"
"a disgruntled young doorman named nate
found his job minding doors second rate.
so a cop he became,
but was shot. what a shame!
now forever he tends heaven's gate.
"
"she's half black, what they called a mixed breed,
and they said, ""she's the kind we don't need,""
but accepting with grace
that we're one human race
means that ""they"", and we all, could be freed.
"
"when i  first saw sweet rosalie sue,
she was leaving a bobbing canoe ?
what a sight for sore eyes,
when her long slender thighs
were exposed as her skirt flew askew.
"
"""the diurnal arc isn't a boat.
it's the path the sun takes,"" noah'd note,
""from the point of its rise
to its evening demise;
and it's longer in summer."" unquote.
"
"you must stand in the dooring, i fear,
when the luftwaffe's heinkels appear.
yes, the ceiling might fall,
but no problem at all,
'cause our  door-frame is sturdy, my dear.
"
"""my blokes say i'm reckless and daft,""
said a spitfire group captain  named taft.
""it's my immelmann turn
that has caused much concern
as a downdraft might crash-dive my craft.""
"
"said a no-nonsense digger from perth:
""i'm all business?no guff and no mirth.
when i lower that coffin,
those hats they'll be doffin'
for me, cause i'm right down to earth.""
"
"""adolf hitler's been found!"" is the cry.
he's returned to fix what went awry.
""saving man is my mission,
but i have one condition ?
this time, no more 'mister nice guy'!""
"
"a worried young lady named pam
peered under the hood and said, ""damn!
this old engine won't fire
'cause one sparking plug wire
disrupts the distributor cam.""
"
"a u-boat mechanic named sepp
said: ""my sex life was needing some pep
so i got off das boot
(it was barely afloat),
and got laid in the port of dieppe.""
"
"i was wed to a raunchy flagellant
whose love games were crude and repellent ?
so i took me a trip
to be shed of his whip;
i'm so happy our lives are divellent.
"
"i'd a bonehead old dog name of lou,
and each day to my mail slot he flew.
he enjoyed a good chew
when the letters fell through,
and i wondered why bills were past due!
"
"queen maria, the riots have spread,
and the peasants are screaming for bread.
they sound scary, i fear,
for the words that i hear
are decollate her! (""off with her head!"")
"
"""this job has me crawling the wall!""
said a bad hat, while casing the mall.
""but a bomb threat, i know,
means they'll all have to go.
they won't know it was me made the call.""
"
"a black russian? just  vodka and ice
with  coffee liqueur;  it's quite nice.
(not a bloke who is russian ?
let's end that discussion.)
this cocktail's my favourite vice.
"
"king arthur makes ready; he dites
his excalibur, mighty in fights
against mordred defiant,
or menacing giant.
who dare take his kingdom, he smites!
"
"a rounder, a boozer, a bum,
found a drug that was made from a gum.
some churrus he chewed ?
a reaction ensued ?
he's passed out now and totally numb.
"
"its wavelength has piqued her suspicions,
and she's looking to find  definitions.
now the craft of comint
provides more than a hint
as she scans all the recent transmissions.
"
"now a tale from a very-great-aunt
who would sometimes go off on a rant:
said, ""my life went to hell
as a dixieland belle ?
i once dated ulysses s. grant!""
"
"a resourceful old archer named scott
had no arrows left; all had been shot.
""to reload is no sweat;
they're so easy to get,
since there's ditch reed nearby i can spot.""
"
"old chap, i must say, of our wealth,
that it grew by my cunning and stealth.
so deal out my share
and you'd better be fair.
hand it over right now. where's my dealth?
"
"my dorture companion, giuseppe,
was a bully and hotspur. that preppy
tried to short-sheet my bed,
so i beat  him near dead.
now giuseppe's a preppy not peppy!
"
"i'm disshadowed ? night's gone ? that is true,
and its  cover i  bid sad  adieu.
i can see those vc,
but can they now see me?
i just pray that our choppers get through.
"
"said a drumbeater (wannabe star):
""my percussion is not up to par,
but with endless devotion
to selfish promotion
i'll certainly go pretty far.""
"
"doggone feds say my taxes are due.
doggone creditors threaten to sue.
doggone salespeople phone?
folks don't leave me alone.
when i'm gone, dawg, those hassles are through.
"
"my distasture has long been well known.
why are you, and not me, on the throne?
yes, you are mum's first born,
but spend days watching porn.
my disgust with you cuts to the bone.
"
"though our mayor, a doughface, will say
on the issues he never gives way,
as election time nears
he succumbs to his fears
and supports the last views that hold sway.
"
"the downcome of hitler was nigh.
a  fury of shells filled his sky,
and deep in his bunker
the  fuhrer would hunker?
by bullet and poison he'd die.
"
"dout the candles you lout, and don't pout.
we will need them tomorrow, no doubt.
no, we don't need their light,
and it doesn't seem right
as our troops are now doing without.
"
"her delusive belief in his speech
makes it now so much harder to teach
her that promise is hollow,
and what she must follow
are dreams that she's able to reach.
"
"from a drywall mechanic named mel:
""sure, that's pretty cheap sheet-rock they sell,
but its poisonous gas
knocked me flat on my ass,
and some folks nearly died from the smell.""
"
"disk error, reboot with f3.
enter password and user id.
please re-enter your data
or try again later,
and stop your loud cursing at me!
"
"these dry holes are bleeding me broke.
all my profits have gone up in smoke.
though i drill and i dig
with a really great rig,
the crude flows i get are a joke.
"
"said a horny old dowser named henching,
""your barley crop's dry and needs drenching.
my rod will find water?
just lend me your daughter.
we both have a thirst that needs quenching.""
"
"said a network designer named blackett,
""i'm too old now and really can't hack it;
my employers keep bitching
about defects in switching:
they can take their damn data and packet!""
"
"on tv in the '60s, two brothers
sang songs and did satire ? the smothers.
their voices were great,
but their satire i'd hate.
that they'd shut up and sing was my druthers!
"
"why a drop-down list? what a damn pain,
and its use here is clearly inane.
still it's scroll down i must
(though the effort's unjust)
to locate and select the state maine.
"
"the drop zone is small and it's snowing.
our luftwaffe's late. they're not showing.
we're losing our mettle
in this stalingrad kettle.
and what is our fate? despair's growing!
"
"at my front door i heard, to my dread,
the lieutenant reporting. he said,
""we're retreating today
as the russians hold sway.
in this dooryard we'll  bury our dead.""
"
"said the doughboy from georgia named lee,
""i was happy to be in paree.
the women were fine,
and so was the wine.
the great war's  now over for me.""
"
"""more ale, sir!"" the young drinker begs
for some wicked home brew from my kegs.
in his glass i saw crud
the dull color of mud
on the bottom. it's known as the dregs.
"
"a pilot from ulm (he's teutonic)
got swirled in a storm cell cyclonic.
he crash-landed his craft
(histrionic and daft) ?
its speed had remained supersonic.
"
"my son is quite downlooked and gloomy.
he rooms  with a whiner named toomey
who constantly moans
in low mournful tones.
i sure hope that he'll find a new roomie.
"
"a dragline was dropped from our craft.
said the captain, ""all hands fore and aft!""
we are scraping around
on the bed of the sound
for our diver who fell off our raft.
"
"with the allied invasion at hand,
our drowner washed up on the sand;
the abwehr, deceived
by this plan, now believed
that our troops in sardinia we'd land.
"
"a diversory samson  once knew
served food fast and with oceans of brew.
though the servers were hot
(and that did mean a lot),
they served food even he couldn't chew.
"
"he has doveship ? sweet, innocent ted,
and telling him's something i dread,
but i'm running away
to join my friend faye,
and down the gay path we will tread.
"
"four ahead on the fourteenth for jay,
but his next drive went somewhat astray,
so he's now dormy three ?
a golf term you will see
when the lead equals holes left to play.
"
"a driveler (fool) named labatt
proclaims that our earth is quite flat,
and he makes a firm pledge:
if we're too near its edge,
we will plunge, hit a turtle, go splat!
"
"said a chap who is czechic named stav,
""i'm good-looking, dress well, and i'm suave.
i live high on the hog
here with chessa in prague.
she's a chick who's a slob of a slav.""
"
"a security checker named dunn
said, ""these pat-downs are jolly good fun.
my libido is smokin'
while i'm gropin' and pokin' ?
and i like that cute tat on your bun.""
"
"the hatchet man started to blubber:
""my truncheon has worn out its rubber!
now it's hard to smash knees,
and to give third degrees.""
the don whispered, ""just buy a new drubber.""
"
"said a careless young shredder named tedder,
""our new shred bin? it makes me a dreader.
all those sharp blades awhirl
really freak out this girl!""
then she slipped in the bin and it shred her.
"
"my old goat of a bloke now's a doat,
and no longer my boat he can float.
that he's aged is a curse,
but what makes this much worse:
when he's mad, he will reach for my throat.
"
"our robot did chores for my wife,
but last week it went wielding a knife!
a mad bot gone amuck
made our mundane world suck ?
so our a-life was swapped for a life.
"
"a new pop-up has got me up upset:
said, ""ms. garr, it is you i will get!
quite soon you will face me
with no way to trace me.
i'm on darknet ? and coming, my pet.""
"
"wow, i'm nervous! i twitch! i perspire!
and  my boss has just used the word fire!
if this job we don't land,
i'll be out packing sand
as our bid time drops down to the wire.
"
"our charnel house truck's stuck in low,
and its drivetrain now slips, causing woe.
the old bones of this hearse
couldn't get any worse.
my mechanic says, ""give it a toe.""
"
"the beltway has bandits who pray
that the government's tit comes their way.
some are part of a crowd
who shouldn't be proud
that their conflict of interest holds sway.
"
"a dockworker, name of stan snooker,
used his rowboat to join with his hooker.
they would play at his quay
in the mornings each day
till a wharf cop came early to book her.
"
"our new door handles made out of brass
mean the doors in our flat now have class,
but my wife wants them bright,
so we get in a fight,
'cause to clean them's a pain in the ass.
"
"what a sneak! i divine your intent
when you say you are halving my rent.
get it out of your head:
there's no room in my bed.
admit it! that is what you meant.
"
"uncle sam wants me soon, and that sucks
'cause it puts my whole future in flux.
i'll avoid the draft yet?
a deferment! no sweat,
since my mom is a pol with big bucks.
"
"a wall street chicaner's loud pitch ?
""send me money to get filthy rich.""
his grand ponzi schemes
brought him wealth beyond dreams.
now he's in for a very long hitch.
"
"a despiteous hit man named bill
whined, ""the dems are now kings of the hill,
but i've had quite enough
of their socialist stuff.
so just maybe some lefty i'll kill!""
"
"a fellow with home-buyer's lust
told his neighborhood banker, ""i must
get a place of my own.
what i need is a loan.""
what he got was a nice deed of trust.
"
"down ann's cheek there distreams a wee tear,
so i ask, ""what's your sadness, sweet deare?""
""o rex, you're a rake ?
and my virtue you'll take,
then disport with some other, i fear.""
"
"he's disloyal, a spy, and that's treason.
he says that world peace is his reason,
but ""nukes for iran""
is the name of his plan,
and nuclear winter's his season.
"
"disremember your face? not a chance!
sweet thoughts had returned at first glance,
but things now aren't so swell,
and i must say your smell
does not help us rekindle romance.
"
"when i get a bad stomach i grieve,
having queasiness hard to believe.
i'll deaerate some coke
and then drink it (no joke!),
since with flat stuff i'm not gonna heave.
"
"in a very dark game, i once threw
a too-literal ""beanbag"" at you.
when its contents were spilled,
you didn't seem thrilled
being hit by a noggin or two!
"
"i had an old dog, name of rick,
who would play with a softball or stick.
then we tried a new game,
but his docity's lame.
this old dog cannot learn a new trick.
"
"my kitchen's a mess, i must drudge
to clean up. i am  covered with fudge
as my pot, overloaded
with chocolate, exploded;
but my feet are stuck fast  and can't budge.
"
"dilacerate? tearing apart?
here on corpsie i've made a nice start.
as a cannibal cook,
first the bones i unhook.
all my methods are here on this chart.
"
"""those crooks! gonna call the police!""
""on those boat-rental folks?"" asked my niece.
""there's no captain or crew
or supplies promised you,
but it may be you signed a dry lease.""
"
"though i love my wife dearly, her junk
in the car boot's the source of my funk.
it's my earnest desire
to change a flat tyre,
but first i must clear out that trunk.
"
"my partner, a bridge nut named dunn,
bid ""one club.""  he was under the gun,
and i'm willing to wager
he was seeking a major,
but i'd doubleton cards in each one.
"
"to the deep melting snows we were sent,
and condemned to be frozen and drent.
our patrol made scant gain
in that cold winter rain,
and returned to our snug warming tent.
"
"a double-eyed teller named clyde
had nipped a few quid on the side.
he said, with a snort,
""yes, my cash drawer was short.
told the boss i was robbed."" (but he lied.)
"
"said a double-wide owner named kit,
""extra wheels i shall now have to fit
to my half of the trailer;
wife's fled with a sailor,
insisting our assets be split.""
"
"mall discounters save you some dough
when you trek through the chill and the snow,
but the hassle and fuss
isn't such a big plus ?
on the net, to an e-store i'll go!
"
"better dress shirts were sought by my wife,
but my tailor engendered much strife
when he said, ""his old style
must suffice for a while,
as it suits his low station in life.""
"
"my karl was a real kinky creep
who would dry-beat me, making me weep.
well, the last time he tried it
i couldn't abide it.
tonight, with the fishes, he'll sleep.
"
"as the vampire looked up from a crypt,
from his foul mouth a small trickle dript.
""my good buddy, count drac,
said, 'let's meet for a snack,'
but he sucked this dude dry. i've been gypped!""
"
"said a dove-eyed young doughboy named nate,
""this conflict i surely do hate.
i was given a gun,
then was sent to verdun.
i wonder why this war's called great.""
"
"when a team needs a score, first of all,
a dropkick would not be the call,
as that play's now unsound
since the ball isn't round,
in my country's  great game of the fall.
"
"these tough chumps have no chance and that's fact,
'cause i'm dealing real quick (the deck's stacked).
my thumb's on  an ace
that is in a great place.
double-dealing ?  get caught, and i'm whacked!
"
"a draftee said, ""i'm sure we won't win.
as a conchie, i know war's a sin.
first ali and then jane
made it perfectly plain:
this is one fight we need not be in.""
"
"in dolor i drift. i'm morose
'cause i heard you've contracted a dose
of the clap. while i'm sad
that you're feeling so bad,
my regret's that one night we got close.
"
"a criminous teller named will
couldn't keep his sly hands from the till,
but he got his come-uppance
when the boss gave him tuppence
and told him to go to brazil.
"
"my man spike is  not really too swift,
and his focus will wander and drift.
you could say he's a dolt,
but just hand him a bolt?
to join wood is his god-given gift.
"
"a dry-salter said without mirth,
""my business lost some of its worth.
they invented the freezer,
but this old-fashioned geezer
still uses the salt of the earth.""
"
"this champagne is  trop doux (that's too sweet),
and claude whines, ""it's a knock-off?a cheat,""
but for what we both earn
only rotgut sauterne
is  ? vendre in measures petite.
"
"in the desert a flash, then high dust,
and our pilot recoiled, and he cussed.
we have not got much time;
i can see its swift climb:
to defocus its laser's a must!
"
"i coded a website for mom,
who sells radicals  guns ? and the bomb.
she works hard for those kooks
who are shopping for nukes.
they just click on ourdoomsday.com.
"
"""the downlink mode  light ? did it blink?""
""yes,  its modem has gone out of sync.""
""then it cannot receive,
and i have to believe
we have astronauts' lives on the brink!""
"
"today's drug test's  a pain in the ass.
i must leak in a sterilized glass.
i unzip, take it out,
and this narc, with a pout,
now observes while i piss and pass gas.
"
"said a mason, face down in his mastic,
""some measures i'll take that are drastic,
as this fast drying grout
has done ate up my snout.
i will get me a surgeon that's plastic.""
"
"""our supply line's been nipped in a trap,
so we're doling out ammo, old chap.
save your bullets, says sarge,
for the bastards' last charge.""
""you tommy die soon!"" yelled a jap.
"
"it is fall ? i see dotterels appear;
it's a sign that cold weather is near ?
and when spring comes around
then those birds won't be found,
cause their wintering's over this year.
"
"hey, wetback! stay cool and don't fight.
i can tell you're illegal by sight,
and our governor brewer
says you're a wrongdoer.
is freedom an absolute right?
"
"i doubled up laughing. it's funny.
do you think i still date weird ol'  sonny?
when we go to the track,
that bloke bets his whole stack,
then he doubles up, betting my money.
"
"bruce seems modest and calm. he is douce?
but the booze has his head in a noose,
so beware, 'cause when drunk,
he gets mean as a skunk,
as his anger's let loose by the juice.
"
"said a rich do-good fellow, bill gates:
""the third world is in desperate straits,
so melinda and i
will slice up our big pie
and put food on some poor people's plates.""
"
"the drubbing i gave to my sister
caused mum to start yelling (it pissed her):
""i'll feed you no luncheon
for using your truncheon,
and slap till your bum gets a blister.""
"
"said a dry-fisted scotsman named randall,
""i have too many debts now to handle.
aye, it did cause some gloom
in my dying wife's room
when i went in and blew out  her candle!""
"
"when the doctor said drinkless,  i sighed.
""well, i've cut back a lot"" (but i lied).
""no, drinkless means none!
not to drink less, old son.""
""you mean nothing? stay sober?""  i cried.
"
"the packers' tired offensive crew
had to double-team big jethro pugh.
though the outlook seemed bleak,
green bay's starr, on a sneak,
scored a td, and dallas was through.
"
"our mini-destroyer (""tin can"")
was  an escort in burke's naval plan.
when a low flying zeke
caused our captain to freak,
said, ""full rudder ? flank speed!"" so we ran.
"
"at the checkout, a shopper named jo
showed impatience, which started to grow:
""though my buying's complete
i await my receipt
as their dot-matrix printer's so slow.""
"
"double-charged, thanks to you, and i'm burning.
i suspect that you're new, and i'm yearning
for times past and still  hope
that i'll die by the rope,
'cause this chair is no place for your learning!
"
"a doberman pinscher's my pet,
which i'm taking post haste to the vet.
this old dog's indiscreet
about stuff that she'll eat,
and she now has a stomach upset.
"
"lily's len is laid out in dress blues
with his brass bright, and spit shine on shoes.
the bugles  will play
on her terrible day,
and she'll get a new flag she won't use.
"
"a lazy young dude, name of  spence,
was behind in his payments of rents.
his landlord, his mum,
said, ""get out, you lame bum!
it's a matter that's dollars-and-cents.""
"
"said the sniffy young waiter named lou,
""what doneness of beef works for you?""
""tell your chef to prepare
a small rib eye tr?s rare.
i don't care  if it still makes a moo.""
"
"dreamt a doggerman, far out at sea,
""in three hours i will see my marie.
then we'll go out to eat,
but it won't be dutch treat.
today's catch was a big haul for me.""
"
"my used coffins are featured today.
a discompted low price you will pay,
as i've cut to the bone,
and can offer a loan,
but most need a good cleaning, i'd say!
"
"for a bar, i now use my dry sink
with an  exitless  pan made of zinc.
once, i told my new maid
to flush orts (long decayed),
but she used the wrong sink. what a stink!
"
"my internet stock was red hot
(i sought wealth through a name with a dot),
but i lost my aplomb
'cause i'd bought a dot bomb.
now my holdings ain't worth diddly squat.
"
"me and paul are a couple of chumps
who are lugging large loads of life's lumps.
we haul garbage and trash
for some small chunks of cash.
this job's got us way down in the dumps.
"
"i worked hard but my dyke says i'm dense,
so my cheating made some sort of sense.
once a rat in the corps,
i'm not there anymore,
drummed out for my honor offense.
"
"i bumped into bill. i said, ""cheers,
i  haven't seen you in some years.""
what he said was a chiller:
""my job is a killer?
top gun among mafia peers!""
"
"a computer consultant named grange
said, ""my network's behavior is strange.
its packets aren't switching,
so everyone's bitching,
and soon it will crash the exchange.""
"
"said obama, ""i'm taken aback.
we have drawn down our troops in iraq,
and the peace, i say sadly,
is going quite badly:
i just don't deserve all this flak.""
"
"said a  dweller in caves, name of heller,
""my cave-mate's so  dirty i smell 'er.
hell, i really don't crave
having sex in this cave,
but i'm simply too wimpy to tell 'er.""
"
"""we have based our new hardware on hex,""
say the nerdy computer-geek techs.
""with enhanced address space
we'll draw clear in the race,
as computers become more complex.""
"
"while commuting, my spirits will sag ?
the long drive-time to work is a drag.
by the end of the trip,
my poor brain's lost its grip,
concentration has started to flag.
"
"i said to the barkeep, ""old chap,
why so stingy? was that a mishap?
please pour out from that jug
a  goodly sized slug.""
he replied, ""but you said 'a wee drap'.""
"
"said a baritone choralist, mike,
""that br?nnhilde's a diva i like ?
when the fat lady sings,
my sweet bird sprouts its wings
and starts squirming for something to spike.""
"
"said a droumy, sad stripling named toomey,
""the awful news instantly threw me.
i read of the quake?
people's lives put at stake.
the reports made me even more gloomy.""
"
"my wife's a mechanic who may
be behind what i think was foul play.
she yelled: ""cheater! you snake,
i am making a break!""
and my brake lines were cut the next day.
"
"someone recently staged a macbeth
so cothurnal (so tragic) that death
didn't just haunt the plot:
all the ushers were shot,
and two stagehands would draw their last breath.
"
"a discalced benedictine named pete
said, ""i rarely put shoes on my feet.
i just dress as i please
when i'm home and at ease,
but wear sandals to go out to eat.""
"
"an amorous dayboy named ned
declared he would rather be dead
than reside  at his school.
""do you think i'm a fool?
they've no sheilas to warm up my bed!""
"
"as to chamberlain, let me say i'm
not so sure he committed a crime,
but his ""hitler, old chap,
let us not have a flap""
didn't get us much peace in our time.
"
"britain's government planned to discrown
new king edward for letting them down;
and the monarch agreed,
that he would, yes indeed,
wed his wallis and get out of town.
"
"you lie if you say that i knew
about death camps. it's simply not true.
there were lives lost at krakau ?
and lots more at dachau?
you're inventing this out of the blue.
"
"a penitent blackshirt from kiel
said, ""the uniforms held great appeal,
so i joined the ss,
but now sadly confess
that their deeds made humanity reel.""
"
"after drinking two bottles of rum
mummy slept, then awoke feeling bum,
with her bed cold and wet.
(some chagrin ? much regret!)
rum's a good diuretic for some.
"
"cinderella's my name and i'll say
last night's party did not make my day.
my stepsister ripped
at my gown, and, thus stripped,
i learned that prince charming is gay.
"
"a boneheaded doctor i knew
said, ""i'm sure that it's only the flu.
now don't pick a fight,
'cause i'm sure that i'm right
about patients."" (he's lost quite a few!)
"
"""at the mint,"" said a worker named lennie,
""a cupreous coin is our penny,
but they're almost all zinc ?
not what most people think.
we've now two hundred billion ? so many!""
"
"a duplicitous preacher named claude
said, ""do right and be touched by your gawd.""
when a paw groped my thigh,
it came not from on high.
i'd been felt by a fatherly fraud.
"
"said our host with a hint of a boast:
""we will spotlight tonight a crown roast.
not a rack of prime beef,
but our leader, the chief ?
her highness, queen liz, we will toast!""
"
"said our teacher, ""those by-gone disk packs
used platters in vertical stacks.
in their day they were dandy
to keep data handy
on discoidal concentric disk tracks.""
"
"if performance is poor, that's no doubt
'cause your disk space is pretty maxed out.
so it might well be wise
to enhance your disk's size?
because size, guys, is what it's about.
"
"dress whites, says the plan-of-the-day.
full honors for those passed away.
piped over the side,
in god's deep they abide ?
the warship gets back under way.
"
"the discriminous moment is near ?
a new ""whump!"" from that mortar we hear.
we are trapped in its bracket.
i zip my flak jacket,
and sprint from the foxhole in fear.
"
"the offense is stuck in a rut.
their quick pass rush is kicking our butt.
play selection is lame,
and we're losing this game.
what we need are some draws up the gut.
"
"a crimeful young tootsie named mons
said, ""i often would blackmail my johns:
'i'll ring up your honey
if i don't get  more money.'""
she now dwells in the pen  'mongst the cons.
"
"a douanier at our border with france:
""are you smuggling this gemstone, by chance?
if you'll just grease my palm,""
he intoned with aplomb,
""you may enter with no second glance.""
"
"a drop press has mangled my tess,
and our love life's a miserable mess.
her machine went awry,
and it thrust through her thigh.
now there's less of sweet tess to caress.
"
"a thief with a long ugly knife
stole my credit card?changed my whole life.
""what a shock!"" (that's my niece.)
""did you call the police?""
""no, he's charging much less than my wife!""
"
"my command-driven program is cool
as it waits on response from a fool:
""please provide ssn
and your bank pin"" (and then
i'll clean out  your accounts with this tool).
"
"it sounds like a freight train to me.
had the naval guns answered our plea?
as the shell rumbled by
huddled troops gave a cry ?
deep supporting fire came from the sea.
"
"between  fokkers and shell bursts i fly
in my spad 'cross the meuse way up high.
now i see my balloon
(it will burn up real soon),
but archy's now filling my sky.
"
"my irvine's  a tenor (and louse).
he does drugs and he drinks ? what a souse,
but we weep and get chills
when his ""danny boy"" trills.
ah, there's not a dry eye in the house.
"
"the cruiser and dreadnought were sought,
and near safety, the bismarck was caught.
the captain:  ""i'm fearing
since we've lost our steering,
this battle no more can be fought.""
"
"says the curve fitter slugging down wine:
""this here data don't make a straight line,
but i'm late for my lunch
so i'll sketch in my hunch,
and this bridge support plan should be fine.""
"
"i am in a foul mood, out of luck
finding any good rhyme words for duck.
so i've thrown in the towel
for this web-footed fowl.
shucks! i've scored a fat zero?i'm stuck.
"
"disk overhead's slow, i regret.
fast response time we just cannot get.
there is much to malign
with our system design,
so let's upload an app to the net.
"
"the guns' drumfire crashed when dawn broke,
and soon iwo was shrouded by smoke,
but though shells couldn't reach
all the holes in its beach,
many thousands were caught in death's yoke.
"
"i cybernate gambling online,
and my hold'em app's working real fine.
though i made me some money,
i don't think it's funny
that captchas might queer my design.
"
"this target's too deep ? i'll pull rank.
you've planned a tough route, i'll be frank.
'tween the sams and no gas
we could lose our sweet ass.
add a drop tank ? it's gas in the bank.
"
"the elves at the north pole colluded
to make many kids feel deluded
when they opened a toy.
yes, it lessened their joy
to read, ""batteries (dry) not included.""
"
"dressed to kill, i am wearing my gear:
cammie blouse, baggy pants, and much fear.
says the jump master: ""go!""
(lots of charlie below,
and their tracers are climbing up here.)
"
"hoops is surely my number-one sport,
and my offense defenders can't thwart.
but, defensively lame
(lack of effort's to blame),
i'm reluctant to hustle downcourt.
"
"simple corn sugar's  used wide and far;
it can even be fuel in your car.
but it best serves as food
unless boozing's your mood?
white lightning's its form in  a jar.
"
"my dejectory potion tastes foul,
and this pain in my maw makes me howl.
yes, this product i bought
doesn't cure like it ought,
and for three weeks i've not moved my bowel!
"
"a horny mechanic named bill
once was idling with syl on a hill,
but a piston blew out,
and bill groaned with a pout:
""i must get my rod back in my cyl.""
"
"the dryth now has lasted a year
in my ghoul-haunted woodland of weir.
soon the ghouls will begin
to devour the skin
on the dead lying withered and sere.
"
"my firm is now hiring more techs
'cause our mailbox is full of large checks.
more folks are disposing
of old buildings (imposing).
just call us at  ""edifice wrecks.""
"
"our teacher will issue  a prize
for doubling the cube's (volume) size
with just compass and rule?
she must think i'm a fool,
cause they won't do the job, i surmise.
"
"way up high  levi flies through the breeze
in our sponsor's dark blue  dungarees.
i'm his catcher, named lee.
i've a cold, and for me
this trapeze is no place for a sneeze.
"
"said my teacher (an egghead named holt),
""an electron that falls through a volt
packs a punch that's so small
you won't feel it at all.
one ev will not give you a jolt.""
"
"an ellipsoid who calls herself jane
says: ""come, slice me, but use a clean plane.""
next, these words from her lips:
""the result's an ellipse
or a circle (a sphere cut in twain).""
"
"a data analysis shows
all my holdings have reached record lows.
i called stoker, my broker:
""i'm bleeding, you joker?
shape up or we'll soon come to blows!""
"
"george and margie work down in a gorge,
where they're rigging a high-striking forge,
but he dropped the big hammer,
which came down to slam her ?
another smashed workpiece, by george!
"
"said a jackleg who called himself  moore,
""your old floor needs a sanding for sure.""
he told me with candor
he'd bring a drum sander,
but his work still left rough spots galore.
"
"a walloper (dock) name of feagles
smiled, ""this dock hand will soar with the eagles
when i offload these chumps,""
but he soon got his lumps.
he was trying to smuggle illegals.
"
"the muslims in france sound alarms:
""our women may not hide their charms
such as nose, teeth or face.
it's a galling disgrace!
what comes next? will they have to bare arms?""
"
"a draggle-tailed doxy  named  bess
wears a dress that's a mess, i  confess.
she is ugly and dirty
and sweaty and flirty ?
but she gives her johns thrills nonetheless.
"
"a diemaking capo named hughes
ran an ad while confused by some booze.
said, ""if you need a die,
call me up; i'm your guy?
with an offer you cannot refuse!""
"
"a decayable fellow's my ned
who is still oozing crud in our bed.
it's not to my liking?
the embalmers are striking.
he's a zombie, so not really dead.
"
"i heard ""dork"" and then ""scheisskopf"" and ""nerd"".
those labels are clearly absurd.
but they hurt and i cry,
so i'm asking you why
in each pair am i always the third?
"
"an oily young crawler called lawler
called for paula, intending to maul her.
when he drawled, ""y'all alone!""
she said, ""don't take that tone.
you paw paula, you'll find she's a brawler.""
"
"said a tech-school instructor named nash,
""this  method is called the disk cache.
it is true, we all know,
that disk access is slow ?
so its data in memory we'll stash.""
"
"""i am dovish but devious,"" said thor.
""open conflict i really abhor:
like a dove i shall coo
while i undermine you:
getting even sure beats getting sore!""
"
"my draintrap is clogged (my sink's stinky).
the disposal just gobbled my pinkie.
i'm cussing and bleeding?
ya know what i'm needing?
a plumber and doctor, me thinkee.
"
"said a vampire, ""my starving condition
comes from problems with faulty dentition.
i have really wide spaces
and fangs in wrong places,
so i'm fainting from pure inanition.""
"
"my domain is named diggers.com?
it'll save you a bundle on mom.
when you shop, choose her casket
to fill your e-basket;
buy a ""dummies"" book, how to embalm.
"
"the greatest desultor i've seen
was zopp?. his top horse-leap routine
was his steed-to-steed flip
at a pretty good clip
from the lead to the rear, all serene.
"
"a hot barmaid  from chechnya, gretchen:
""i'm an artist who's studyin' etchin',
and i model some too.
may i bring you a brew?""
for this fetchin' young chechen, i'm letchin'.
"
"an unhappy appraiser named ted
grumbled, ""turnover's pretty much dead,
and because there's a dearth
of home sales showing worth,
i'll use cost approach methods instead.""
"
"the doc's words prompted fear and then tears.
""what's earliness, doc?many ears?""
""no, your son was born early.
i can tell you quite surely
he's healthy. i offer my cheers.""
"
"an econ professor named grange
said, ""you may think my tests are quite strange.
they're the same every year,
yet of cheats, i've no fear,
since my answers will most  likely change.""
"
"an elfish sly prankster named dunn
put dead worms in the chow just for fun.
roared a grizzled first mate,
""there's a worm on my plate!""
""keep it secret! or all will want one.""
"
"my bill's deathfulness roused an old urge?
to break out  the joint checkbook and splurge.
yes, bill's still  my honey,
but i lust for his money,
and his will fills the bill. play the dirge!
"
"my eggbeater's gone on the fritz,
and my scrambles right now are the pits.
but i'm broke and can't buy
a replacement, so i
will just fry eggs to serve with my grits.
"
"would you please dup the door, dearest del?
this room reeks with a rude awful smell!
it was folly to smother
and not bury mother.
those maggots are making her swell.
"
"said a wonderful circular curve,
""ellipsoidal's your shape, dearest merv?
so please straighten up, hon!
let your foci be one!
i can't kiss an eccentric old perv.""
"
"to the gallows he went for crimes past
that had left us all stunned and aghast.
for evil most vile
he was sentenced at trial?
adolf eichmann would soon breathe his last.
"
"if from justice you're anxious to flee,
abbottabad is the place you should be.
i've been here for six years
with no worries or fears?
i've got seals at my door? woe is me!
"
"mum electron said, ""valence, don't go!""
but her val left the atom to flow.
yes, she sped like a rocket
till she found the bad socket?
she's gone now, but left a warm glow.
"
"a chemistry student, poor yorick
said, ""alas, i feel doomed and dysphoric?
racked my skull on this test;
but i'm gravely depressed.
i've forgotten which compounds are chloric.""
"
"builder betts, please accept our regrets,
but your scores are as low as it gets?
so your bank line's been frozen,
and what's more we've chosen
to sue you to settle those debts.
"
"chain reactors some think of today
as a cost savings energy play?
but a deadly emission
from uncontrolled fission
is a paramount factor to weigh.
"
"my next duty assignment's a crock,
and i'm seething with anger and shock.
my  new orders are clear,
and i really do fear
that my ass will get mauled  in iraq.
"
"the word doby is one that's aphetic
as it's lost its first letter (phonetic).
and its meaning today
is a kind of dried clay,
or a dwelling?quite often pathetic.
"
"i was dreaming i wanted to swim,
but the pool was chocked up to the brim
with fairy-tale creatures?
and trolls with strange features,
and two brothers whose last name was grimm.
"
"writing dibol, a geekoid named max
had coded some lines for a vax,
but his logic was lame,
which was really a shame
when his program stopped dead in its tracks.
"
"""doc, i wrestle and  need to make weight.
four pounds over?the weigh-in's at eight.""
""well, it may make you sick,
but to lose those pounds quick
an emictory  drug'll  do great.""
"
"marc is drunken and earless, in tears.
""in the green room, i had a few beers.
and i thought i might die
as i tried to comply
when i heard the bard's '... lend me your ears.'""
"
"we were homeless, but got a new start,
when the priest said, ""till death do us part.""
jim joined up, went to sea?
left our houseboat and me.
over years we've just drifted apart.
"
"said the oak to the elm, ""it is true.
it was love at first sight and i knew
when we wed in our wild
i would bear you a child,
and i just named it elmen for you.""
"
"defense plans from  deep moats to sage,
were successful for many an age.
these systems, we know,
often ward off our foe
like a shield from the battles they wage.
"
"""my egestion production,"" said phil,
""is near zero since eating lil's swill.
doc, it's been several weeks
since i've parted both cheeks.""
doc said, ""yes, a packed bowel's no thrill.""
"
"i was nervous, and cried when doc said,
""your packed bowels mean trouble ahead.
it was june twenty-third
that you last passed a turd,
so, egest a bunch soon, or you're dead.""
"
"faye's a bit off her rocker, i'd say,
and when stressed has a horrible day.
please ease off of her case,
'cause it isn't  your place
to say, ""faye, come what may,  go away.""
"
"my driver's a dimwit who's brash,
and in traffic he's reckless and rash.
on the left, traffic's slow,
so i tell this dumb joe:
""use the right lane. just edge in, and?"" crash!
"
"said my sprite, ""this is elfland. come in.
here white lies are the worst kind of sin.
the dread angel of death
cannot steal your last breath,
and more pennants the yankees can't win.""
"
"our old big bang models are dead,
since the deep starlight still shifts to red.
the cosmos, in fact,
will not ever contract.
dark energy beckons instead.
"
"the dreadfuls today bring the news
that the swashbuckling smoothie tom cruise
has jumped out of the closet,
and also they posit
both tojo and stalin were jews.
"
"an enviable lass is my lee,
who's as sweet and as kind as can be.
pretty, famous, and rich,
and she's never a bitch,
and so lucky she's married to me!
"
"we'll be denning in snowdrifts ahead;
lost our dogs and the number one sled.
so, to base camp, our cheers
as they quaff down their beers.
ere the morrow we'll sleep with the dead.
"
"preciseness our physicists crave.
so, a particle can't be a wave.
neither concept is new,
but which theory is true?
they are both?a strange way to behave.
"
"the design chief was now in a fluster?
""is that all the thrust it can muster?
see, that ramjet you got
isn't firing that hot.
bet you've used a substandard combustor.""
"
"it's no shock when  ball over  appears
in a series of web links. one fears
online lexicons' spiders
are spelling misguiders,
spinning purses from verbal sows' ears.
"
"though the desk officer's way past his peak,
one more test pilot's needed next week;
but the flight doc said, ""whoa,
it's no good ? he can't go:
down his back is a wide yellow streak.""
"
"said the patent clerk, ""barman al, ein
gro?es bier in my favorite stein.""
""right away, bert,"" spoke al,
""hear you're moving on, pal.""
""ja, physics will be my new line.""
"
"eddie felson's last shot wasn't clean?
the black eight ball was sitting between
the cue ball and nine.
the game should have been mine,
but his bank shot just ruined the scene.
"
"oh, dungfork, to you i now sing,
as i work in my garden and fling
this well-rotted manure
round my shrubs to ensure
healthy growth and the blooms it will bring.
"
"our tech support's wearing a frown:
""yes, our database server is down.
so you can't add a tart
to the virtual cart
from the 'best on-line whore house in town'.""
"
"darlin' corey lies dead. she's unlucky,
but she screwed half the guys in kentucky.
she was too prone to roam?
so the landfill's her home.
her dumpage just cost me six buckee.
"
"the demurrer i filed (i'm defense)
said the plaint had made no legal sense.
calling plaintiff a gander
in law is not slander
but hyperbole (causing offense).
"
"please dishaunt us, dear ghost; i'm a sight!
i can't sleep, and my bloke and i fight.
we are tired of your bells
and those musty old smells,
and strange things that go bump in the night.
"
"my doctor's just started to lecture:
""i can say without doubt or conjecture,
that the odd-looking  fowl
i found down in your bowel
is causing your egg-shaped dejecture.""
"
"said a tall, duncish  player, ""my forte
is to dunk in my favorite sport,
but my team gets upset
when i slam through the net
at the other team's end of the court.""
"
"make this lens and you'll not only pass,
you will rise to the top of the class.
it must never diffuse
long-wave reds from short blues.
hint: you might want to check out crown glass.
"
"said the gunny, a sergeant named dunn,
""our artillery tractor don't run,
and we're feelin' like fools
'cause we don't have the tools
to advance that 155 gun.""
"
"i crawled in with a tootsie named cass,
but her cooties assembled en masse.
i abandoned my lust
and leapt up in disgust
as her bedbugs made hash of my ass.
"
"an eyeless old yeoman named bligh:
""it happened?"" he said with a sigh,
""their cannister shot
near killed the whole lot.""
""are you hurt?"" asked our skipper. ""naught eye!""
"
"her eye-catching sign made me stray:
""free pussy! ? great service!  ? i'm may!""
so i beckoned her near,
and she leaned near my ear:
""we've both persians and manxes today.""
"
"i've just joined the marines: i'm a boot?
a recruit they will soon train to shoot,
and i'll go off to fight
for a cause i think right
in a conflict that many dispute.
"
"my bessie is blessed with a chest
that's enormous, and guys are impressed.
she boasts she's quite proud
that she's so well endowed.
she's a cofferer ? hadn't you guessed?
"
"""this module,"" said astronaut jo,
""will provide a precise current flow,
but a wire's  exposed,
so the circuit's not closed.
i don't think that all systems are go.""
"
"an eye-popping hunk is my guy
with a pipe and huge forearms ? oh my!
when he dines with us oyls,
raw spinach he boils?
then he gets a wild look in his eye.
"
"i'm a cow, and i moo with a stutter.
maid: ""your milk makes a ton of sweet butter,
and i wonder just how
you can do that, dear cow.""
""s-significant udder,"" i utter.
"
"what's his next pitch? a fastball, no doubt,
and i'll muster a record-book clout?
but i swing much too soon
at his eephus balloon.
then the ump says, ""strike three"" and ""you're out!""
"
"""tvs down,"" said my wife. i impressed her,
when i broke out my new cable tester.
reception's now fine,
and we're both sipping wine
watching shows 'bout an addams named fester.
"
"on the wall of tut's tomb, an encryption,
decoded, revealed this inscription:
""you'll really be sorry
if you don't read waltari?
he wrote a fine book?the egyptian.""
"
"disassemblers make sense out of bits
that can give a debugger the fits.
why encounter life's lumps
as you dig through the dumps?
you need source code for apps on the fritz.
"
"""elementary particle zoo,""
said the sign in a wavelength of blue.
""pet a  boson or quark
in our new lepton park.
the cafe offers fermion stew.""
"
"my site's address is really a fret?
lots of traffic and clicks i don't get.
but i think that its theme
is without doubt a scream?
it's catslookinglikehitler.net.
"
"an electron neutrino had pleaded:
""my reason for being's unheeded.
i was long undetected
till pauli suspected
i'd be just the thing that was needed.""
"
"the coding head's scowling today.
that's an index of what she might say.
she's a nit-picky boss,
and no question she's cross?
she's found bugs in my drop-down array.
"
"""my tech head is starting to grump,""
said a sloppy young coder named crump.
""since my program was crashing,
i got a tongue lashing.
i'll need to debug from a dump.""
"
"said a valence electron, ""i dwell
far away in the outermost shell.
a swell ion's my home,
but at times i will roam?
join a current that's moving pell mell.""
"
"an iranian tootsie (a ho)
said, ""now honey, please call me  your flo.""
but she spoke fast in farsi?
did she say the word darcy
(a unit of flow)?  i don't know.
"
"my brake cylinder's sprung a slow leak,
and is staining the floorboards of teak
in my custom rolls-royce.
i suppose i've no choice
but to see my mechanic this week.
"
"the atomic age, now come to pass,
brings new options to specify mass.
today's physicists delve
into isotope twelve
of carbon, not solids like brass.
"
"my grace is both bold and flirtatious,
and her needs, i must  say, are voracious.
when she trysted with ned
on the night we were wed,
i cried, ""gracie, your conduct's disgracious!""
"
"said my broker, a slick  bloke named chester,
""now, charlie i'm sorry to pester
you, but now is your time
to get off of the dime.""
i'm the thousandth and final investor.
"
"said my tech savvy guru named lou,
""if disk access is making you blue,
read/writes slowing things down,
don't just grumble and frown?
adding ram is the best thing to do.""
"
"a computing device that i bought
didn't work in the way that it ought.
the first time i went out
it mis-plotted my route?
took me miles from the place that i sought.
"
"an exuberant fellow named mears
whooped, ""life's great! i'm so happy! no fears!
i'm reborn (thank you, jesus!)
and richer than croesus.
my friends ? to the world ? i say cheers!""
"
"i designed  our new lan and i'm proud
that its diskless. i find that the cloud
is much quicker than disk,
and it lessens loss risk.
i'm a big step ahead of the crowd.
"
"chuck got caught, and they read him his rights.
he copped chips at the place he worked nights.
memory's gone; he'll see jail
for the theft, on the scale
of unthinkable billions of bytes.
"
"an eskimo pie caught my eye
in the market where often i buy.
so, i lunched on a bunch
'cause i crave the soft crunch
my teeth make on the dark outer ply.
"
"i look round and see love fills the eyr.
dear, i miss you; i've no other care.
our sweet joy's without end?
on the morrow i'll send
a  red rose that you'll wear in your hair.
"
"crowed cotton exporter  legree,
""i sell cotton in nice and trallee.
i  just work all my slaves
'til they fall in their graves.
i'm on top in the land of the free!""
"
"cristal snuffs out our hero's last breath
in life's play about craving and death.
it's performed day and night
for folks black, brown, or white,
and the title's the street name for meth.
"
"the closing tick's down: that's bad news.
frugal living the greeks do not choose.
 every market is tumbling;
investors are grumbling.
will ouzo abolish their blues?
"
"a cork oak's an evergreen tree
that is handsome and pleasing to see,
but her bark's my big deal,
since it's used as a seal
for my bottles of grand cru chablis.
"
"when it comes to my job i don't shirk it,
but it seems that this network won't work. it
is late and i'm bitching
cause exchanges aren't switching.
what on earth could be wrong with this circuit?
"
"new software production's my life?
i'm as keen as a well sharpened-knife.
when i'm coding in hex
it feels better than sex.
i've no need for three brats and a wife.
"
"good breeding, great wealth, and my clout
will ensure darling dee's coming out.
for her debutante ball
we will lease a swell hall
while you common folk envy and pout.
"
"said handyman hughes, ""i've got news?
your old outlet just blew out a fuse.
yes, i crossed a few wires
and they jump-started fires.""
feeling cross then myself, i fired hughes.
"
"""data modeling's tricky,"" said shane,
""and your first attempt's simply inane.
we don't need to keep track
of the troops in iraq
to decide how much rain fell in spain.""
"
"my dear wife was encoffined today.
sniffed the digger, ""she reeks from decay.""
""but embalming my honey
costs way too much money.
too late for deodorant spray?""
"
"our nest is still full. the kids balk
at leaving. i scream and i squawk,
""both you do-nothing slobs
need apartments and jobs.""
they say, ""kiss off with such empty talk!""
"
"my entrenching tool can't make a hole,
and that flare means that  luke's on patrol.
it's near zero degrees
in this chosin deep freeze.
i sure miss my warm hooch back in seoul.
"
"our debt service? not getting much love
as our gov thinks its something to shove
down the road 'til we're broke.
it's high time they awoke.
spending more than we've got we're sick of!
"
"i'm so blue and my wife now affirms
that i'm  worthless and can't come to terms
with my drinking and whoring
(but at least i'm not boring!)
i'll repair to my erf  and eat worms.
"
"my elaine drives me nearly insane.
i take pains to attempt to explain
that the rain on the plain
in the main falls on spain?
all in vain, since that jane feigns a brain.
"
"my ex-wife was no good. that's the truth.
she ran off with our dentist named booth.
i found out she was willing
to let him keep  filling
a cavity ? not in her tooth!
"
"""top secret, eyes-only,"" says luke,
""from our man who's a deep cover spook.""
i tear open the seal,
fear and nausea i feel?
the old spy says iran's built a nuke.
"
"spying jugs that are bigger than ewers,
certain men drop their minds to the sewers.
i do like a lass
with a nice rounded ass,
but both aspects are great for male viewers.
"
"extra points are small scores that aren't much,
but our kicker is losing his touch,
and this game will depend
on his skill at the end?
we're afraid that he'll choke in the clutch.
"
"the order eyes left i'd eschew
if your troops are unsure what to do.
it's quite easy to slip,
and  a bayonet tip
might well tickle a private or two.
"
"my squire is a friar named mcguire
who tends to unduly perspire,
and i simply don't get
why he sheds sheets of sweat.
do you think i will need to exquire?
"
"a blinkered flat-earther named paul
cried, ""you ball-lovers do have some gall
saying, 'pie in the sky
can't be right?that won't fly.'
just keep clear of the edge, or you'll fall.""
"
"i said, ""doc, i need help, if you please,
as my emrods are down to my knees.""
on his finger he smeared
a thick goo as he peered:
""severe hemorrhoids! a painful disease.""
"
"'neath my driveway of  fine  bedded gravel
they found lil ? soon my lies would unravel.
told the cops she's a drifter,
but their bloodhounds soon sniffed her.
judge said ""guilty!"" as down fell his gavel.
"
"elder hand? not a dude, i must say,
that will feed ranging livestock sweet hay
in a cattle corral?
but your non-dealing pal
in the card game we know as piquet.
"
"we took ten by the side of the trail
where i smoked while re-reading old mail,
but an incoming shell
made us scatter pell mell,
so we broke short our rest and turned tail.
"
"my dumpcart upended  in sand,
and the corpse i'd dismembered hit land.
while refilling the bed,
i soon spotted old fred,
and i said, ""can you give me a hand?""
"
"the boss snarls, the phones ring, endless strife!
and i miss my six dogs and sweet wife.
i am sick of work's meanies,
so i'll mix my martinis?
they've become my elixir of life.
"
"said a once-flush los angeles laker,
""i was rich and a mover and shaker.
now my credit is bad;
so to buy a new pad
the bank says i'll need a co-maker.""
"
"i've an option on ""putting and pitch""
(they make golf clubs for folks who are rich).
if it doesn't reach five,
out the window i'll dive.
option trading can make life a bitch.
"
"electric cars, greenies cajole,
serve us well, as clean air is our goal.
the idea sounds great,
but it's what they don't state?
riding cleaner comes mostly from coal.
"
"cried a cheerless electron named cole,
""i was snatched by a close-at-hand hole.
at the point of a pistol
i was dragged to his crystal,
and we're now an exciton. how droll!""
"
"my disk file's too large and won't fit
on the drive where i want it to sit.
in the malls i now forage
to buy some more storage?
see a  store called ""the byte and the bit.""
"
"i'll  brush down mcclure, her work's poor;
and she moonlights at times as a whore.
she's both hands in the till
while she's hitting on bill,
and mac's rarely at work before four.
"
"off the shelf the odd book she would pick;
this one's sweet smell of death made her sick.
the strange title was chilling:
bad folks who need killing.
(its ex libris: ""belongs to old nick."")
"
"the captain just  told me himself.
we are trapped by a huge glacial shelf,
but so deep in the sea
we have help to get free ?
it's extremely low frequency, elf.
"
"a hot, gay electrode named  linus
said, ""i'm thrilled i hooked up with a minus.
i dressed up as a plus,
met a minus named gus.
now we're charging a judge to combine us.""
"
"my horizon's the place where all light
is sucked down and no longer can fight
for its tenuous place
in  deep regions of space?
an event that displays nature's might.
"
"""circumbinary planets,"" said lars,
""unlike earth or our near neighbor mars,
are oft caught in a snare
by a binary pair
where, in fact, they will orbit both stars.""
"
"said a c++ programmer, lee,
""cross-compilers are great tools for me.
i have earned some nice wages
writing code for smart  gauges,
and those robots that brew up your tea.""
"
"called my broker, a real savvy guy,
""a new car's what my wife wants to buy.""
""if you borrow on stock
you will get a mean shock,
cause our interest will be pretty high.""
"
"my ladder has several extensions,
which expand my potential ascensions.
seems the shingles  i laid
allow rain to invade.
as a roofer i've lost all pretensions.
"
"on the move in a war we can't win,
this long march has our strength wearing thin.
but each time we fall out,
we will soon hear sarge shout:
""time to saddle up, lads, and fall in!""
"
"the ex-dividend date is the day
when my oil stock pays off. let me say
that damn stock'd be soaring
if dems would stop roaring.
you tree huggers? out of the way!
"
"after loading  free software i peered
at a  new desktop eikon. looked weird.
then the blue screen of death
shook me up, stole my breath?
and my hard drive was cleared as i'd feared.
"
"half asleep, i saw  strange goings on?
an odd beast with a flute on my lawn.
'twas  part goat and part man.
could this creature be pan,
or a roman god seen as a faun?
"
"upon downing my chemist's emulsion,
i felt such a wretched revulsion.
that mixture, so smelly,
churned about in my belly?
then came diarrheic expulsion.
"
"spoke the leader, a man of the cloth,
""our sect worships a leaf-eating moth.
our fine deacon, here, harvey,
will puree the larvae
of bud moths for sanctified broth.""
"
"when the blow valve stuck shut on our trip,
these worrisome  words came from skip,
""if we don't find a scheme
for releasing some steam,
then the boiler will blow up our ship!""
"
"our executive officer, sledge,
was so dumb that we called him the wedge.
this incompetent fool
was the co's main tool
on our ship, sometimes used as a dredge.
"
"the time of the exody neareth,
and that journey proud moses he feareth?
but god cleaveth the sea
and his people are free
as the pharaoh's wet host disappeareth.
"
"the exequy (funeral rite)
was scheduled for last wednesday night.
his remains (now he's dead)
o'er his birth state were spread
by a spad ? like he flew  in our flight.
"
"""i'm squatting on sites that will get
tons  of hits,"" boasted cyber-geek brett,
""just as soon as man lands
on the red planet's sands?
martianhomesales.com (and .net).""
"
"behind in the ninth we all prayed
that defeat we could somehow evade.
down by one, with two out,
then skip tied with his clout.
extra innings may need to be played.
"
"our nuclear family's small.
just my reba and young'un  named paul,
but our blood, i believe
traces way back to eve,
and our family (extended)? that's y'all.
"
"our lookout, a bosun named norm,
saw rough seas that were angry and warm.
said the captain, ""i fear
that a hurricane's near,
steer away from the eye of the storm.""
"
"our yugo's exhaust pipe was broke.
clouds of smoke round my wife made her choke.
i gave her a gas mask.
she gave me a crass task?
""just fix the damn car, you dumb bloke!""
"
"our sergeant's a boozer named stagg,
who will march us while still in the bag.
today, his ""eyes right""
was not really too bright,
as a private was stabbed by a flag.
"
"trapper dan intoned, ""when mozzies swarm,
during weeks when the weather is warm,
man and beast often die,
by the insects ? sucked dry,
and their size is no less than enorm.""
"
"when it comes to his writing, i'll vouch
that my hubby is simply no slouch.
he's gone hunting with friends
to find prey in their dens
for his new book,  wild beasts in their couch.
"
"coprocessors? still used today.
one computer  can't pay its own way,
so they help ease the load
in a parallel mode.
they speed up and improve the display.
"
"into clothes that once fit, i can't squeeze,
but the ama's put me at ease.
yes, my body's too thick
(not my fault, 'cuz i'm sick)?
 been attacked by a brand-new disease!
"
"the king's castle we tried to destrie?
but its moat was as broad as the sea.
when foes dumped burning oil
our invasion to foil,
a wet bunch of burnt vandals were we.
"
"my house i would sure like to dump,
but the market is still in a slump.
my agent's proposal?
expand the exposal
to attract some rich buyers like trump.
"
"said a miserly woman named crandle,
""wasting money is always a scandal""?
told her husband, near death,
""when you draw your last breath
please make sure to extinguish the candle!""
"
"the air marshal said, ""i'll be plain.
yes, the bombing is causing great strain.
i was told some chaps laugh
when old jerry drops chaff
then say, 'jolly poor show: foiled again!'""
"
"excreable stuff you can spit
if your jaw ain't been  smashed  in a snit,
as happened to me
to a certain degree
when my wife said i bit on her tit.
"
"to a spy school i went to enroll
with desire to get work as a mole,
but the dean of admissions
said my lofty ambitions
were at odds with my cowardly soul.
"
"said a fedex expressman  named sands,
""my job's hard. i've so many demands?
now my garmin is down,
so i'm lost in this town.
couldn't find my fat ass with both hands!""
"
"your words are not very extructive,
and i need some advice that's constructive.
when you said, ""resubmit,
your new limerick's shit!""
it fostered  a mood unproductive.
"
"""my dog ate my homework,"" said lew.
""and, yes, that explanation is true!
and i've brought into  school
his large, brown, runny stool
for my teacher to see and dig through.""
"
"though it's not comme il faut, i am sure,
for our rendezvous you're my amour.
but, pardon my franglais,
it's bound to go wronglais,
when your husband kicks moi out the door.
"
"my  roseanne i will gather today?
we'll enjoy our first roll in the hay.
she's so young, fresh, desirable,
but her charms are expirable.
if they fade, my affections may stray.
"
"sighed experient actress, ms dawes,
""my performance, at times, has its flaws.
still, a quick 'break a leg'
helps me up it a peg.
how i relish the cheers and applause!""
"
"said our weapons custodian, ""band
close together. the conflict's at hand,
and  it's now up to you
to fight sitting bull's sioux.""
that great battle was custos' last stand.
"
"said the astronaut, ""we're in a scrape.
this moon trip is not in good shape.
first we slowed to a crawl;
now we're starting to fall.
lack of thrust means we make no escape.""
"
"my bloke is a tightwad named grinch
who won't spend, and we're not in a pinch.
we're both rich and have plenty;
he won't part with a penny.
grinch is tight through and through ? every inch.
"
"an exquisitive feline is fred,
who holds so many facts in his head,
'cause he's ever so curious.
it could be injurious ?
yes,  freddie might  find himself dead.
"
"an extirpable bloke was my fred,
'cause a perilous life he had led.
after fred squeezed the trigger,
i  rang up our digger?
""i've been  ready for freddie,"" he said.
"
"an extortious young hit man named ned
said, ""your loan's overdue ? gimme bread!
if i don't get  my money,
both you and your honey
will go swimming with shoes made of  lead.""
"
"an ann arbor canoer named farber
complained as he sat for ship's barber,
""the huron is choppy,
and your cutting is sloppy.
tell skipper it's time to enharbor.""
"
"i've been combing this trench for a year,
and found nary a good souvenir.
i continue to grope,
now, i'm feeling some hope?
found a sign saying, ""kilroy was here!""
"
"the best vintage i hope to obtain
from my vineyard, a lauded domaine.
but this batch just won't fly
as it turned out too dry,
so i'll dose all these casks of champagne.
"
"my wife said, ""our nell's  coming out.
there'll be parties and balls without doubt.""
""well,"" i pouted, ""my dear,
will folks think she's a queer?""
""no, the closet's not what it's about.""
"
"mused patent examiner neil,
""this app's from another shlemiel.
that's at least ten today?
i just hope and i pray
folks will stop reinventing the wheel.""
"
"though turner's not much of a learner,
as a turner he's quite a high earner.
when his boss bought new drills,
turner turner got chills?
""a bit slow, but makes dough,"" said boss werner.
"
"our eyelashes touch. tension grows.
face-to-face (glad she's got a small nose).
it has been a rough night,
and she might start a fight?
we're eyeball-to-eyeball (near blows).
"
"a cold-cathode device, as we know,
gets unbonded electrons to flow.
a small voltage potential
is all that's essential
to make your oscilloscope glow.
"
"an eightball from jersey named paul
was  a  loser in bill's  billiards hall.
he played eightball each game.
they all ended the same:
he'd scratch as he sank the last ball.
"
"my eye doctor said, ""you've a stye,
but don't worry, you surely won't die.""
then he slipped with his shiv?
should that flub i forgive?
do you think i should turn a blind eye?
"
"i'm a filthy and toothless old guy;
hard up  hookers won't give me the eye.
they yell, ""you're the pits?
full of zits upon zits!""
i'm an eyesore, no use to deny.
"
"the officers gathered, insisting,
""these manoeuvres could help with enlisting:
pick some sexy recruits,
and we'll soon fill our boots ?
joining forces for cool coexisting!""
"
"electricians are angry and bolting
'cause many got shocks that were jolting.
the work site's  miswired.
fewer  watts are required,
and amp?re, their boss, is revolting.
"
"""our  big brothers are tipping their hats,""
crowed an nsa techie named katz,
""to our data collection,
which works to perfection
as it hoovers your emails and chats!""
"
"perky  boobs had attracted me vastly,
but  a strap was restraining them fastly.
when i groped for her bra
her left hook broke my jaw.
and my evening? both painful and ghastly!
"
"our center, a lummox named kline,
has been yanked (he's now riding the pine.)
he can block shots, rebound,
but his shooting's not sound,
and he chokes  at the charity line.
"
"comes to eating, i'll pounce on each crumb!
second helpings are simply ? yum, yum!
as i grow ever plumper
they're calling me ""bumper"";
a self-fatner is what i've become.
"
"a far-reaching  goal of guard stan
was to lengthen his arms' smallish span.
every day in the gym
he would pull on each limb?
dislocations dismantled stan's plan.
"
"said a fair-minded lady named claire,
""with the kids, my attentions i'll share,
and  to treat each the same
is the name of the game.
all my tykes i shall take to the fair.""
"
"with my parachute on, i'm not happy.
i'm nervous, upset and feel crappy.
i was told in advance
i'd not need my brown pants,
but i'm bricking it! (give me a nappy.)
"
"a fast-handed felon is fred,
who will rob his own mother, it's said.
when the reaper comes by
stingy freddie won't die,
'cause he'll cop reaper's sickle ? death's dead!
"
"there once was a faller named feller
who was known as a boozer and heller.
working high on a spruce
his frayed harness came loose.
now old  fell in the graveyard's a dweller.
"
"the old pro, in his stance, loosed a fart
(twelve tacos for lunch wasn't smart!),
and the roar from his ass
made  his line  jump en masse.
ref yelled,  ""five yards?line movement?false start!""
"
"""needed help on a web page,"" said jack.
""tried paging both forward and back
while i looked all  around.
then, a button i found
that advised, 'please click here to see faq.'?""
"
"in the cold earth rots willard e. dunn,
who'd robbed banks for both money and fun.
at his last heist got shot?
said his shooter, ""i thought
he had made a false move for his gun.""
"
"a fatherlike figure i'm not,
as i wench and i wander a lot.
not protective or kind,
i am often maligned
for the numerous  brats i've begot.
"
"an extructor (a builder) named heep:
""i build coops for small fowls that peep.
i don't charge you big bucks,
and my work's not deluxe,
but i'll do a nice job on the cheap.""
"
"disguised as a cooler for soda,
it was next to our howitzer loader.
that we'd reach for a can
was the terrorist's plan?
then that ice chest would be an exploder.
"
"doc's words did not leave lesley chuffed:
""your errhine meds need to be snuffed.""
so, said les, ""if you please?
i just hate when i sneeze.""
""it's the best way to get you unstuffed.""
"
"the explosion appeared, and the crowd
that stood by were both awestruck and proud.
oh, but what has man done?
a flash bright as the sun,
then a billowing mushroom-shaped cloud.
"
"our  guard tried a cool shake 'n bake,
but his man didn't fall for the fake.
he instead  picked his pocket,
and was gone like a rocket,
which led to an easy fast break.
"
"i once called my rifle my ""gun"",
and the drill sergeant up and said, ""son,
with your piece do not trifle ?
you'll call that your rifle;
it's for killing. your gun is for fun!""
"
"a fauntleroy? oui,  i must say
that i'm clothed in a trendsetting way,
and i'll further confess
i'm polite to excess,
much like harry j. potter today.
"
"pretty pink are its salts, like a rose,
and in contact its  use, we suppose,
was to control  a machine
so that earthlings might glean
the ets' objective. who knows?
"
"his comebacker cracked off my knee
as its speed was too rapid for me.
i can't run like before,
'cause my knee's always  sore.
guess  our farm club's the next team i'll see.
"
"my  endowment to ku klux klan u
is to aid  just the lily white  few.
it's a handsome provider
for a future night rider,
but no help for a black or a jew.
"
"broke and hurting, i asked for a favor:
""these deep cuts, doc, were made by my shaver.
i can pay half your fee,
plus this etching of me
(a face saver). i am an engraver!""
"
"a confident slugger named  saul
said the next pitch goes over the wall?
then a sad swing he took
at the lefty's sharp hook,
but made contact and ripped a fair ball.
"
"fagged out by the march  were my men.
we were resting and smoking, and then
pretty soon, all around us,
our foe's mortars  found us.
still buggered, we marched off again.
"
"of this eugenin, can't get enough!
'cause i sell it to makers of snuff,
and they line up in droves
for my essence  of cloves.
some prefer a strong sniff to a puff.
"
"our qb has an arm like a gun,
but he's lately not having much fun.
in the game's closing ticks
he unloads a  pick six.
from my armchair  i shout, ""shoulda run!""
"
"the game's tight and their star's a big threat;
i'm defending him closely, and yet,
since i'm right in his face,
he falls back to make space,
and his fadeaway's nothing but net.
"
"its first website a shambles and scare
 with the end-to-end testing not there ?
up the creek was that boat ?
and obama remote.
just a hint of more problems we'll bear?
"
"the virus attacked in a flash,
and spread as a cyber-world  rash.
said a helpless observer,
""overloaded our server.
pretty  soon i expect it to crash.""
"
"my box spring is squeaky and worn
from all of the hookers it's borne.
its fatigue life is through,
 so i'll have to make do
 with what's under it?sackloads of porn.
"
"""episodic recall,"" said  my clyde,
""is a matter that gives me great pride.
i know just how i felt
when the bullets were dealt
down in dallas when kennedy died.""
"
"a good one-on-one player named doc
saw his man glancing up at the clock,
so he juked toward  the net.
his slow man  wasn't set,
and it   faked him  right out of his jock.
"
"said a time-traveller geek to a king,
""executable  script is the thing:
i'll write code to end lives
of unwanted old wives ...""
""please install it ? i'll have a new fling.""
"
"a fair catch ken made on the nine
by hand raising and waving (the sign).
but the coach said to ken,
""when you're inside the ten,
the ball's bounce might go over the line.""
"
"in a sheikdom dwells cyber-girl jane.
both our lives are in  fictive domain?
and the chatting is swell,
but the sexting  is hell?
so i'm catching the plane to bahrain.
"
"a cryptologic technician named john,
toward  the life of a traitor was drawn.
his spy handlers he'd please
when he'd copy code keys,
and this top secret data pass on.
"
"""ten full years through our journey in space,
i've got feelings of farness,"" said grace.
""our old sol's dead and gone,
and to deep space we're drawn:
the remains of the late human race.""
"
"said a fatless young fellow named gene,
""i stay trim eating foods that are lean,
but my wife's sporting bulges.
she often indulges,
and (sprat-like) her platter licks clean.""
"
"i caught vi with that big hunky sly,
pulled my piece, then vi, starting to cry,
sobbed, ""sly's love is platonic.""
though her cheating was chronic,
i, the fall guy, just swallowed vi's lie.
"
"the core's overheating is near
when too many fast neutrons appear.
we must lower the  rods
so's  to lessen the odds
of the nuclear meltdown we fear.
"
"for the mission we trained hard in prep,
but we tired and  lost most of our pep.
then,  near jerry's   front line,
sarge's foot found a mine
when he stumbled and took a false step.
"
"""i'll extravagate,"" moaned nomad jove,
""'cause my desert is hot as a stove,
and  i'm weary of sand.
in my mind, this harsh land
i will leave for a meadow to rove.""
"
"my doc said, without haw or hem,
""your poor lungs are still loaded with phlegm.
so take this, mr. lucas,
to  loosen that mucous.
tell your chemist to mix this eclegm.""
"
"the earth, as it shares day and night,
at equinox divvies up right.
it's the first day of fall,
when our faithful old sol
will for half of the time provide light.
"
"a hard-throwing pitcher is lee,
whose fastball is real hard to see.
on this toss to the plate,
i unloaded too late,
and the ump pumped his fist with, ""strike three!""
"
"as a fault-finder, head takes the cake.
my seismologist job is at stake.
he both censures and scolds,
as my paycheck he holds.
day by day i just tremble and quake!
"
"dear altricial birds, up in your nest:
your parents don't stop much to rest;
till you see, and can feed,
till you fly?you still need
to remember that parents know best.
"
"the loggerheads?turtle and shrike?
nest in loggerhead key, past the dike.
a three-wheeled atv
buzzed their nests, so you see
they're at loggerheads fighting a trike.
"
"adumbral, she lay in his shade:
two sweethearts asleep in a glade.
when later they woke,
she lovingly spoke,
""why, what a long shadow you've made.""
"
"with stuff in the store so appealing,
i practiced my wheeling and dealing;
if stuff is acquirable,
it must be desirable:
now my house is all stuffed, floor to ceiling.
"
"antechapel, beyond the back pew,
hid the bride and her father from view;
antechoir hid the groom
and his men in its room
while the church filled with kin of the two.
"
"lose the unneeded ""e"" from ""espy.""
ease yourself by forgiving the guy.
though aphesis is slow
(greek for ""let the dreck go""),
on the whole, it is worthwhile to try.
"
"hi! it's me, agar agar, the flake.
i would rather be waving at hake.
but when cut, crushed, and dried
i'm the seaweed whose pride
is the stiff kosher gels that i make.
"
"a nubile young girl's bridal dream:
alen?on lace flows like a stream
from a tiffany crown,
and her silk charmeuse gown
enhances her curves with each seam.
"
"mahogany, african grown
(not a monochrome orangey roan),
lays a color array
which covers, some say,
the full range of human skin tone.
"
"ubiquitous joiner is and,
its symbols: plus sign, ampersand.
we use this conjunction
to add to each function,
as wedding bands bind hand to hand.
"
"one espousing the view ""might makes right""
growled, ""the war's end is nowhere in sight.""
said supporters, ""use gas
or drop nukes on their ass.
our weak leader's all bark and no bite.""
"
"cross assembler programmer hall:
""i'm a coder for apps that are small?
such as firmware for phones
or an app on our  drones.
code that's tailored and tight, all-in-all.""
"
"i'm enlisting for duty next week;
to serve proudly our country i seek.
since ""don't ask"" and ""don't tell""
now have heard their death's knell,
from my closet i lawfully peek.
"
"""tech support ? can i help you? i'm lee?
your fathometer's down? you're at sea?
yes, you are in deep trouble,
so your problems redouble,
'cause my shift has just ended. it's three!""
"
"the fault tolerant system i coded,
in 2000 ad was outmoded.
despite error detection
and auto correction,
the date fields were hosed?it exploded!
"
"my sex  life was slow ? quite  a bore.
with my bloke in the sack, couldn't score.
took a virtual chance
with a cyber-romance.
soon his cyber-wife knocked at my door!
"
"growled an hombre from texas named white,
""the cook's cal-mex  style vittles taste light.
i can't eat like no fairy
running herds on the prairie.
tex-mex chow's got the gusto just right!""
"
"""using ethernet networks,""  said dan,
""is always a pretty good plan.
they are stable, secure,
and a method mature
for a firm's inter-agency lan.""
"
"my fan blade just chewed up a belt
and left me marooned in the veldt.
my rugged land rover
is now boiling over.
a long hike is  the card i've been dealt.
"
"""a fatigue party's scheduled,"" said bill,
""to help clean up debris from the spill.""
the hard work isn't thrilling,
but it's better than drilling:
it brings us the townies' goodwill.
"
"the notices stirred some distress,
'cause my tending to bills is a    mess.
wrote the bank,  ""we'll take back
your new get-away shack.
send past dues via mail that's express.""
"
"a machinist (and cleric) named roth
said, ""i'm truly a man of the cloth.
i rub emery on steel,
but my best work i feel
is at weddings  when folks plight their troth.""
"
"fierce winter has stalled our attack,
and of  troops and supplies there's a lack.
we're being hard pressed,
and retreat to the west;
frigid  eurus blows hard on my back.
"
"said a hopeful investor named kent,
""my cutoff point's twenty percent
for profits from rents.""
but soon market  events
left poor kent with a deal he'd lament.
"
"my eyeglasses worked?but no more:
there's a blur where no blur was before.
am i now going blind?
maybe losing my mind?
damn! just stepped on my lens on the floor.
"
"said big tony, while drying his dishes,
""you buttons need heed my two wishes.
dat eyewitness?please,
break bot' of da knees
and den see dat he sleeps widda fishes.""
"
"""exodontics? that's me,"" said doc burke.
""rotten teeth i will  yank or i'll jerk?
and then most i'll bequeath
to the fairy of teeth.""
said my wife, ""that's a very odd quirk.""
"
"for years cops had searched for mcwhorter,
and it seems they have finally caught her.
charged with blackmail, mac was,
but, on bail, fled the fuzz.
she is now a convicted extorter.
"
"said jules of our compool, ""it's great,
because duplicate data we hate.
we have now in one spot
all the entries we've got.
there's just one way to enter the date.""
"
"my computer is starting to die.
it's so slow! i sure hope, after i
zap a bunch of old stuff,
that will speed it enough?
else a drive that's external i'll buy.
"
"doctor faust said, ""i've mortgaged my soul;
earthly pleasures and wisdom my goal.
made a pact with the devil,
so in good times i revel!
and my future? it's under control.""
"
"said particle physicist marx,
""the cohesion of nucleons   harks
back to color and forces
(taught in  earlier courses).
the tough glue of the nucleus ? quarks.""
"
"indecent is what they suggest,
but i'm innocent ? that i protest!
why should neighbors grow tense
when i hose down their fence?
on false charges i'm under arrest.
"
"my bloke ron says he's off in his chevy
to fetch deutons from down at the levy.
they're a really big factor
for our homemade reactor,
and he'll find them in water that's heavy.
"
"her man herman is grieving ? that worm.
his pet conger fish caught a bad germ,
and he's made a big deal
of the death of that eel.
hear him cry, ""oh dear god, how i erme!""
"
"if you need  to swap faxes, relax.
most computers have modems that fax.
they don't cost very much
and can add a nice touch
for both windows  computers and  macs.
"
"my pappy would whoop and he'd cuss,
""i'm so weary of riding the bus!
i don't bring home  the wages
for sixteen fare-stages,
and the stops are a tiresome fuss!""
"
"my fastball just floats as of late,
and my curve ball hangs over the plate.
if my arm don't come 'round,
i'll be sent from this mound
to our farm team ? a pitiful fate.
"
"""a sign of a fault,"" observed jake,
""is  this  line which  i'll mark with a stake?
and? what's that i hear?
yes, that rumble makes clear
we could die in a dangerous quake!""
"
"he's faultful in so many ways?
he's a druggie who scrapes through the days.
he's a rogue and rou?,
and on children he'll prey.
the man's sins never cease to amaze.
"
"cuprous coin minting's truly immense,
yet it's done with extensive expense,
for the copper, they say,
cannot pay its own way.
does production show really bad sense?
"
"computer ops? what do you mean?
a job title or how a machine
manipulates bits?
or possibly it's
a robot repairing your spleen.
"
"""i lost, but my lungs were congested,""
cried a deep-chested boxer i bested.
then this thick-bodied clod,
coughing up a big wad,
said, ""you won 'cause my breath was arrested.""
"
"the dragooners had marched to rangoon
overnight by the light of the moon,
but when they did battle
they scurried like cattle.
they were led by a brainless buffoon.
"
"""to measure light's speed's a tough deed,
and an etalon's what we might need,
like the fabry-perot
type of instrument, no?""
""yes, let's try that device, it's agreed.""
"
"in berlin i was ordering rum,
and my german you'd call pretty bum:
""drei quarts of bacardi.""
""let's don't be a smarty!
a dry quart's for solids, old chum.""
"
"my old fence had a fatal design,
so the builder i had to malign.
for the fine cyprine planks
i have given my thanks,
but the posts were just common old pine.
"
"his fewness of friends was so sad ?
such a likable, trustworthy lad!
but when he walked fido
his loneliness died ? oh
how dog-lovers grow doggie-mad!
"
"the cyber security's lacking,
so the site is a magnet for hacking.
yes,  healthcare.gov
gets the wrong kind of love?
we should send its  developers packing.
"
"said a fecund young filly from france,
""many lovers have pulled down my pants.
i've had triplets and twins,
and i now expect quins.
i'm too fertile: the price of romance!""
"
"said an ibm client named spassky:
""oy! it's hard to read data that's ascii,
'cause big blue hides the form
for that format (the norm),
but an opt-code of q is the passkey.""
"
"a number that's cubic? mais oui ?
for example, i think we'd agree
that the numeral eight
was predestined by fate
to be two with the exponent three.
"
"i suspend  my research periodically
as i look at new patents methodically.
i need one that stops rust
or my gadget's a bust,
so i google the keyword cathodically.
"
"our color sarn't's wife is a nag,
and she scolds him and says he's a fag,
but he's always consoled
(what a sight to behold!)
when he leads us while bearing our flag.
"
"""this new amp,"" said our head honcho, minnie,
""makes sounds that are piercing and tinny.
what our band has produced
needs a lot more bass boost.
our lead engineer is a ninny!""
"
"two backward c's, joined at their toes,
form an arrow where middle c goes
on the staff, which defines
alto clef.  these five lines
hold viola notes when we compose.
"
"i found it was pointless to cram
for my audiometric exam.
on my ears, head-phone tones
mapped my hearing-range zones.
this revealed just how deafened i am.
"
"adesmy means plant parts that fuse
as a whole or in part.  some leave clues
to an elegance wrapped
in slick ways to adapt.
there are others that merely bemuse.
"
"captain barna b. norton has died;
to machias seal island we'd ride
in his boat to see auks,
on the alcidae's rocks.
hosts of shearwaters flew alongside.
"
"when a farmer his farmland abuses
till it dies from the methods he chooses,
he adds grass for its tilth,
lets it fallow, bans filth:
agrologic's the logic he uses.
"
"you need all of your adipocytes
if you're stressed or you're working most nights.
with the lipids they store
they make hormones galore
and their cytokines set you to rights.
"
"to find food, to find mates, friends, or foes,
spiny lobsters can't sniff?they've no nose.
two antennular pairs,
chemosensory hairs,
note the odors in saltwater flows.
"
"on the chesapeake shores, one detects
loss of land, ""scooped-out defect"" effects
with erosion their cause.
this is only a pause
in sand-shifting accreting sea sects.
"
"piano professor eileen
is articulatory in mien:
alexander technique
keeps her joints at their peak
and her thinking both keen and serene.
"
"keep your weaponry, world, on its shelf.
we want none of your exports or pelf.
we're a people autarkical,
twice-shy and snarkical.
scoot!  we can rule us ourself.
"
"there's a word that i learned today, cline,
that i'll try in this rhyme to define:
it's ""a gradual change
seen across any range,""
and not patsy, whose songs were divine.
"
"an announcement by bosun's mate frye:
""british history's great. that's no lie.
and your flick starts at eight?
'bout the life and the fate
of their queen, called elizabeth i.""
"
"frau dench said, ""herr french is a mensch;
hence, it's clear that all menschen are french.""
the two lines penned above
provide one sample of
elench (no, it's not said ""uh-lench"").
"
"pa liked gnawing on chaw, although ""gah!
all that chewing is crude, pa!"" cawed ma.
""the brown drool down your chin
is a source of chagrin ?
it is gross and a grievous faux pas!""
"
"fred's feasting on worms was impulsive,
and they tasted like swill?how revulsive!
later, how he would howl
with sharp pains in his bowel?
fred pled for a med that's expulsive.
"
"agelaius are blackbirds (gregarious).
shoulder epaulets sort species (various).
""konkaree"" the males sing
as to cattails they cling:
defending each harem (vicarious).
"
"it was hot where the women were sheltered.
open windows helped some, but they sweltered.
once, a little brown bat
flew inside, folded flat,
and slept high on the wall while they weltered.
"
"an avocet, wooing with verve,
lays his bill across hers where both curve,
then drapes one of his wings
'round her shoulders, and sings
shorebird songs as they stroll. (he's got nerve!)
"
"when he speaks, his whole brain offers tours.
when abutting his talents, we're boors.
what we do, he does better.
his life is a letter
that's signed, ""aptitudinally yours.""
"
"at the fruitlands utopian farm,
transcendentalists learned, with alarm,
bronson alcott's spare venue
dropped meat from its menu?
so healthful, so lacking in charm.
"
"the actitis flick sandpiper tails
as they forage for insects and snails.
the common hen's fate
is monogamous mate,
but the spotted hen mates many males.
"
"as i climb the stairs upward, i rise.
the air thins as i tend toward the skies.
treads get higher, intensive;
these stairs are ascensive!
i climbed them in only three tries.
"
"our cat miriam's on the attack.
first, she bats at the ties in their rack,
then she agilely leaps
on the broom as it sweeps,
and meows for an anchovy snack.
"
"on the cruiseship, the overworked purser
who, irked with an avid converser,
charged a kiss on each cheek
for each minute she'd speak,
filled a fine-setting role called amercer.
"
"i'm an anton van leeuwenhoek fan,
so the microscope-maker's my man;
he's the first one to draw
tiny creatures he saw,
animalcules he drank by the can.
"
"an asinine dad from eau claire
kept tossing his babe in the air.
when scolded, he blared,
""my baby's not scared:
she thinks she's a pilot up there.""
"
"when acridine orange fluoresces,
cell nucleotides it assesses:
one-stranded glows green,
and two strands, orange sheen?
no need to resort to mere guesses.
"
"the caribou, reindeer, and moose
are antlered and nibble on spruce.
after lovemaking fervid,
that rack on a cervid,
deciduous, soon will come loose.
"
"an amputee, missing a limb
(any part gone from her or from him),
often senses a trace
of the used-to-be place
where its synapses tingled with vim.
"
"lover, flee!  for our luck is but scanty.
use the tunnel from under the shanty.
we've played fast and bold.
but our castle will fold
from our enemies razing the antae.
"
"azedarach stamens are fused
by adesmy; its blooms form contused,
purplish, pendulous clusters.
this noble tree musters
the landscaper's pride where it's used.
"
"the chameleons from far, far away
blend their colors with places they play;
their american cousins
come out by the dozens
and only turn green, brown, or gray.
"
"when shattered, these microclines shiver
into green squarish chunks and won't sliver.
but amazonite
is a name not quite right,
since there's none near the amazon river.
"
"on november the second, we'd pray
as all souls' day mass father would say.
deacons named each dead soul,
and for each, bells would toll
as the incense uplifted away.
"
"some ascomycotes from damascus,
said, ""breeding in pita must task us
to house asci bods
in our ascocarp pods.
for one ascospore holder, just ascus.""
"
"when a history teacher named kapps
makes his students learn too many maps,
treaties, warriors, and kings?
such irrelevant things?
then they crave ahistoric class naps.
"
"when their love affair lost all its fizz,
they sat back-to-back, mr., ms.;
asyndetic together,
sans chemistry tether:
she went on her way; he went his.
"
"as a child, when i ailed with the flu,
my gram fed me jam, blackish-blue.
recent research explains
this dark color contains
antiviral in black elder stew.
"
"their shape is like that of a pear.
their taste and their texture are rare.
avocado pears spread
like green butter on bread.
there are pits in their midst, so take care.
"
"in my church's fine atrium hall
gleams an orange, white-veined, marble wall.
how strange, then, to hear
that it's ashlar veneer,
and is not solid marble at all.
"
"our veterinarian jay
says alsike-type clover in hay
for a horse or a cow
must be dried in a mow:
if it never grows mold it's okay.
"
"in a field by the chesapeake shore
three bald eagles taught eaglets to soar.
each jumped into the gale,
outstretched wings, like a sail,
and rose aerily eighty feet more.
"
"i'm a frostbit old groundhog named sam.
to the tropics i moved?suriname.
shadowed northward i rest,
shadowed south from my nest:
an amphiscian sam, now i am.
"
"""the ashfall fell close to saint helens,""
said freddie to five fellow felons.
the ash drifted east;
after he was released,
freddie found it grew flavorful melons.
"
"commencement day fills harvard yard
with regalia, tasseled and barred.
so each college will know
where its graduates go,
its large crimson banner stands guard.
"
"whose honk is a doorbell enhancer?
whose gosling's a barnyard entrancer?
about whom had we said,
""auntie, gray goose is dead""?
the answer, my friend, is the anser.
"
"when you're hungry, saliva is sped
down some ducts to your mouth, where you're fed.
aptyalic blockade
starts a painful cascade:
you de-duct you have rocks in your head.
"
"balloon angioplasty's applied
to arteries blocked from inside.
cardiology wrestles
thin tubes up these vessels,
inflating till lumens grow wide.
"
"notice four ways patricia's all-in
as, exhausted, her chest meets her chin:
she has played her last chip
on her all-the-frills trip,
and boxed ""outside the box"" for a win.
"
"aframomum is african spice:
grains of paradise (lavish in price)
are gingery hot.
for a mild pepper pot,
mbongo is rarer, but nice.
"
"an ameiurus catfish am i.
i'm bullheaded, too?don't reply?
for my spine hears the eel
my four barbel pairs feel.
gotta go?lunch is calling?bye, bye!
"
"the sun-starved black kittiwake's flight
from the arctic foreshortened his night.
maine's coast, chilled post-blizzard,
sent warmth to his gizzard
and kittiwake frolicked in light.
"
"tourists flock when the cherry turns pink.
bradford pear flowers, rank-scented, stink.
but the apple's sweet blossoms,
like baby opossums,
say, ""spring has arrived""...with a wink.
"
"as sandi sat stroking the pup,
affectional urges surged: ""yup,
i'll buy him,"" she said,
""and i'll get a dog bed,
and manolo high heels to chew up.""
"
"one word means delight, and constrain,
surprise, pity, threaten, complain.
""say ah,"" my doc said;
my jaw locked up instead:
i regret i'm ""ah""stricken in pain.
"
"chances are, if you're birthed or you're hatched,
if with hair, scales, or feathers you're thatched,
your abode embryonic
(a sac amnionic)
got you and all amniotes matched.
"
"timbuktu, once renowned for its learning,
guards the niger's aduncity (turning
from sahara's dun sands
through west african lands),
niger river's wide crescent discerning.
"
"'twas an old aldern bowl, round and wide,
with fresh garlics and onions applied.
its silvery wood
looked especially good
with a heap of green salad inside.
"
"in jamaica, when seed-covers yawn,
yellow ackee can safely be drawn
to stew up with fish
as the national dish,
eggy entree for brunch on the lawn.
"
"when nathan procures his acates
he buys foodstuffs at chefs' wholesale rates.
with fresh herbs?by the crate?
nate makes salads so great
that his guests lick each bit from their plates.
"
"when azidothymidine came
into use against aids, instant fame
fueled predictions too smug.
while it worked as a drug,
the virus mutated?new game!
"
"elderberry pie's rich juices ooze
up through slits in its crust; now this news:
recent research reflects
antiviral effects?
purple pigments attenuate flus.
"
"a gentleman crumbled up bread
which he tossed to some gulls overhead.
soon the sky filled with flying
as pigeons came, vying:
true aerobats trying the spread.
"
"frogs on lilypads croak, ""anti-foam!
sudsings sicken our sex-chromosome.
detergents can stick
to our slimy skins.  ick!
get this nasty foam out of our home.""
"
"northeast india's mountainous squeeze
is the home to ahom assamese
who, descended from shan
chinese, once overran
it and stayed to grow world-famous teas.
"
"assamese is an indian tongue
unrelated to mon-khmer or hmong.
to bengali, one letter
is added to better
write double-u sounds for the young.
"
"appalachian dulcimer's knappings
are carried by spruce and bone trappings,
through its fine redwood face,
to its black walnut base:
voicings matched by its luthier's tappings.
"
"tropic shadows switch sides:  they're amphiscians'.
polar shadows fall 'round their periscians
through earth's tilted motions.
one-way heteroscians'
fall according to temp'rate positions.
"
"""kitchen countertop's cracked,"" said the critic.
so, in shopping for something granitic
that would cover the block
with pastel fine-grained rock,
i obtained and installed the aplitic.
"
"to accurse, let a series of zingers
bid your object ill-wishing that lingers.
it's the voice of the bird
which, though mute, can be heard
when set flying with raised middle fingers.
"
"the carob's an evergreen tree.
all the arborists know it can be
algarroba instead.
though it's called saint john's bread,
it tastes more like soy chocolate to me.
"
"the drug known as aminosali-
cylic acid, in pill form, can rally
defense when your lung
by tb has been stung.
rx?one, tb?none:  that's the tally.
"
"though most arsenic use has been banned,
this carcinogen tainted my land.
like a road-raged commuter,
i attacked my computer,
deleting the save as command.
"
"a sharecropper plows with his mule
row by row, hour by hour, he should pule?
for all day he has stared
at a half-assed, half-mared	
funky fundament fuzzy as crewel.
"
"akan's one language of kwa
(used in ghana and east c?te d'ivoire)
with twelve dialects.   each
is intellig'ble speech
to the ghanian folks in accra.
"
"acidophilus, good for your tummy,
found in yogurt, is also quite yummy.
it's a healthful comestible,
making food more digestible.
have some often?and call me! love, mummy.
"
"traffic splashes, slow-motion, asoak.
over norwalk clouds lower, then cloak
streetlamps peering through gloom,
but wet roadedges bloom
with forsythia's yellow bespoke.
"
"on becoming bat mitzvah, young jess
wore her grandmother's gift, a blue dress.
up masada she panted,
then flawlessly chanted
her text from the torah?success!
"
"pilgrims sickened as snow fell in showers.
midst the winter in chill, grimful hours,
lovely blooms cheered the ailing,
revived with the trailing
arbutus, their mayflower flowers.
"
"half a decade i gatekept this floor,
but now downsizing's shown me the door.
although everyone's kind,
it is startling to find
that my bailiwick's gone?mine no more.
"
"""for cremona amatis, their quest:
violins, they would make the world's best.
i'll buy you one, dad,
or guarneri or strad.""
and my dad said, ""why, thanks, be my guest.""
"
"he's hebrew, he's asher, he's glad,
he is israel's eighth, happy lad.
through the ages, his tribe
made no news for a scribe:
yet no news could be good news, not sad.
"
"in the fall, leaves and flowers senesce;
anthocyanin colors finesse
reds, purples, and blues?
their brilliant hues
brightly glowing?then all evanesce.
"
"the basking shark's triangle fin
neared the boat, then the huge fish closed in
till it pulled alongside,
with clenched jaws to confide,
""you're distracting my lunch with your din.""
"
"an athenian youth might remark on
ambitious careers to embark on.
did that city-state resident
grow up to be president?
more likely, he ruled as an archon.
"
"when the salt in the shaker's not shaking,
it's because of ionic bond braking.
merely add some white rice,
shake to mix, flow is nice.
breaking clumps makes white rice anti-caking.
"
"barrel coopers, state troopers, poop scoopers,
diamond loupers who whoop hula hoopers,
stand in awe on their stoops
as their flag loops the loops.
flags are crafted from fabric called bewpers.
"
"purple coneflower, herbal of old,
echinacea's tea for the bold.
also known as black sampson,
this flower slaps clamps on
fatigue that invites common cold.
"
"in north africa's barbary land
an artel weight can fit in your hand.
throughout russia, artels
are its craftsmen's cartels.
artel telephones dial on demand.
"
"kaziranga's a national park
where, on elephant rides, guests embark,
for rhinoceros beckon.
the assamese reckon
this park is assam's noah's ark.
"
"for the arrowhead plant, two names stuck:
one's for arrow-shaped leaves sprung from muck.
then there's wapato: roots
growing white neath its shoots
which are gobbled by muskrat and duck.
"
"when the lining dissolves from her womb
but no egg joins the seeping red flume
since she's thin, or morose,
or she's taking a dose,
then anovulatory's her spume.
"
"when the king of lesotho drew near,
he was armed with an assegai spear.
in sesotho he swore.
a basotho he bore.
all basutoland trembled in fear.
"
"a chef de cuisine loved to tell
of his prank on a punk (drunk as well):
he steamed the drunk's lager,
admixed agar-agar?
in minutes, the lager was gel.
"
"the nipmuc's chief thought that assumpsit
would allow them to fish assawumpsit.
but the promise, unreal,
wasn't made under seal;
he sues common assumpsit or lumps it.
"
"for allhallows, the evening before,
trick-or-treaters beg sweets at my door;
then i hollow a gourd
for the saints' bed and board
and i wonder, do haloed saints snore?
"
"bitter young bride, fresh from cere-
mony, complained, spoke with queri-
mony, then acri-
mony; when matri-
mony was strained, wept mascara.
"
"while we carpooled our morning commute
on our everyday northwestern route,
mated canada geese,
aimed upriver a piece,
passed above us and honked?in salute?
"
"a rhetorical term is auxesis,
whose use rips restraint all to pieces.
it calls number 2 pencils
""fine drawing utensils.""
auxesis: the tall tale's anthesis.
"
"you endure the low-carb atkins diet,
but you're mentally shot?don't deny it.
aspartic's the acid
to make you more placid.
it's also aspartate: now try it!
"
"titanium's anatase assets
are isosceles visible facets:
if you stretch out their length
it reduces their strength,
for glimmering rock is all tacets.
"
"of anatase, brookite, and rutile;
the rarest of tio2 style
is anatase (blue
or honeyed in hue):
for photoreactors, it's utile.
"
"influenza, type asian, the ""flu""
escaped through mao's curtain bamboo.
though you feel that you'll cough
till your earlobes drop off,
you'll ail three to ten days, then pull through.
"
"the echinoderms are, you'll agree,
ambulacral, and much like d.c.,
they route suckers, feet, spines,
or utility lines
along avenues, radially.
"
"throngs of ancient men keened, wailed aloud,
so aggeus called out to the crowd:
""though this temple is lesser,
anon, god will bless 'er.
such glory will make you all proud.""
"
"apophyseal bony knobs catch
excess stresses on bones, which they match.
these bulges at joints
are the reinforced points
where connectors can safely attach.
"
"our biology lab stirs up dread:
its formaldehyde, pickling each shred,
is distressingly rife.
why, when studying life,
must we study this stuff that is dead?
"
"on your lip-zipping skills i depend
as your ears and wise counsel you lend.
listen, please don't bewray me,
with gossip betray me;
i trust you today as my friend.
"
"inner harbor is host to the throng.
water taxis and cars speed along,
bearing people to play
amid scents of old bay:
busy baltimore's still going strong.
"
"milking roughly can wound a cow's udder,
then mastitis will make bossy shudder.
gently wash down each teat,
salve with bag balm, repeat.
soon she'll heal and glad feelings will flood 'er.
"
"the two sprats would assort, just hang out
at their usual platter redoubt.
jack assorted the lean,
and his wife picked fat clean.
that is what each assortment's about.
"
"thoughts of chocolate chip cookies entice,
so i measure ingredients twice,
add some eggs, beat like cake,
set the first batch to bake,
then eat cookie dough, flouting advice.
"
"the agminal host fills the aisles
to the wedding march; inward it files.
as the uniforms billow,
two rings on a pillow
progress to the pair wreathed in smiles.
"
"long agone did the girl with the bucket
wait vainly for sails off nantucket.
her great-granddaughter, nan,
owned a catamaran.
when she sailed to a whale?oops! nan struck it.
"
"the american dog tick bites hares,
dogs, and cattle, and people, and mares;
causes blood loss anemia;
spreads germs for toxemia;
sucks blood through their tiny skin tears.
"
"at the madam's new upscale bordello,
she served aspics and quivering jello.
but the bedsprings kept creaking
and patrons leapt, shrieking,
while she tuned up her violoncello.
"
"when at first our eyes met, aper?u,
my heart snapped to a judgment of you.
aper?us, now replete,
both amend and delete.
more complete aper?u is more true.
"
"i was teaching advanced placement math,
quite content with my bright career path.
but the budget-cut sector
chose airt?changed my vector?
so now i install gypsum lath.
"
"though white clays are miry in spots,
miss botsi throws argil for pots;
her heartstrings are shaken
by songs from clay aiken,
and kaolin reins in her trots.
"
"crispy baklava, achingly sweet,
made with layers of thin phyllo sheet
brushed with butter, then strewn
with crushed walnuts, and hewn
into squares, baked in syrup?i treat!
"
"i'm an autecological guy.
to the mites in my pores, i say ""hi.""
blades of grass, circling crows,
ice where mud puddles froze...
i'm related to all i espy.
"
"the resins of agalloch's wood
make an incense which smells rather good.
agallochum burns,
and its perfumed smoke turns
toward the ceiling, a white fumid hood.
"
"when tara takes bartending classes,
she learns:  beer, wine, and spirits; what glasses
to use for each drink;
how to listen; to think
pleasant thoughts when a patron harasses.
"
"black misty the collie-retriever
at times needs a bowel reliever.
her aperient, grass,
also gets rid of gas
as a natural dog-breath receiver.
"
"he curtailed the milk's path to acescence,
grated cinnamon sticks for their essence,
then with apples chopped fine,
mixed it all, sat to dine,
in the hope he'd prevent his senescence.
"
"far too many on earth whine and cringe,
""if women like sex, they might binge.
when they're made anorgasmic
their pleasure's phantasmic.
they're faithful with nary a twinge.""
"
"sometimes ascariasis flays
your innards with roundworm soirees;
wash hands after wiping,
take wormers?no griping:
you get to eat out for three days.
"
"angiotensin-converting
enzyme is used for alerting
in a hormonal sense;
it makes arteries tense
to squeeze blood to the spots that are hurting.
"
"every continent starts with an a
except europe.  americas may
be the choice sentimental
for lands occidental,
but vespuccia rates much more play.
"
"you abduce when you stroke as you swim.
you abduce when you splay in a gym.
you abduce, you attest,
you tell what you know best.
you abduce on a kidnapping whim.
"
"aunt roberta stared up at her bed:
thick new mattress and springs on its stead
lofted up far aheight.
she stretched out past her sight,
but nary a sheet could she spread.
"
"my mother, a shepherd, spun yarn
from the black and white sheep in her barn.
arty-crafty decor
filled the barn, loft to floor.
what the rams tore, my mom gave a darn.
"
"winter's coming!  not needing a wizard
to fly south in advance of a blizzard,
the blackbirds, amassed,
fled its cold snowy blast,
and protected each gravel-filled gizzard.
"
"the all-heal or self heal, a mint
panacea of purplish tint,
lurks on lawns in the suburbs,
where homeowners snub herbs
that help, as the name tries to hint.
"
"we're off-limits to squirrels and mice
with a dog who alerts in a trice.
misty sleeps on the floor
with her nose to the door.
she's our anti-intrusion device.
"
"providencia's deep pirate caves
hid a scot and a pole and twelve slaves.
when some gene-swaps occurred
these distinctions got blurred:
assimilative acts saved the knaves.
"
"architeuthis, the sea's giant squid
lurks in deep ocean canyons, well-hid.
it is twelve times my size,
with ten legs and huge eyes:
no man viewed it.  physeterids did.
"
"kept in nibbling and gnawing condition,
mouse's mouth is its only munition.
tiny teeth glean for grain
till no kernels remain:
canny achbor wins wars of attrition.
"
"let's talk turkey.  male palettes are two:
meleagris necks (red, white, and blue),
agriocharis necks
(blue with bright orange specks
on ocellated toms), show their hue.
"
"while young alex would rather be fishin'
than studying hebrew tradition,
at his bar mitzvah service
(though rabbi was nervous),
he chanted his texts with precision.
"
"antimonial medicines bar
schistosomas and kala-azar.
antimony, when wed
to soft metals like lead,
acts its part as a hardening star.
"
"because arginine (found in beef jerky)
is essential for sperm to get perky,
eases body distresses,
and also suppresses
some tumors, try eating some turkey.
"
"when expressing the negative sense
of the plural to be present tense,
please use aren't for this act?
are + not you'll contract?
with the usage of ain't now dispense.
"
"nasty germs near the heel of ann krankle
led to swelling and pain.  how they rankle!
in a tightening cinch
(not a cinch to unpinch),
they stiffed ann with an ankylose ankle.
"
"a female anadromous fish
that is laden with eggs has one wish:
from the sea, go, begone!
to fresh water to spawn,
not to bake as a steak in a dish.
"
"cubes of amazonite, gorgeous and green,
are cut en cabochon to add sheen.
ms. shoshanna avers
that these crystals of hers
can make marriages far more serene.
"
"murky water from ponds filled with ducks
may transmit a foul watery flux,
dehydration and thirst,
or collapse at the worst:
asiatic-type cholera's crux.
"
"amaroidal is horseradish taste;
bitter herb yields its roots for a paste.
this, with matzohs, grape wine,
nuts and apples ground fine,
makes a seder once eaten in haste.
"
"analcime's damp zeolites glow
in the trap rocks and caves where they grow.
like a peaceful cathedral,
its trapezohedral
strong sieves drip a soft water flow.
"
"the great smokies in may get quite hazy;
at gaps in the woods, orange blazy
small clusters, then streaks,
splash the paths to the peaks:
flame azaleas go blooming crazy.
"
"in the leaf mold on forested hills,
amanitas grow, fungi with gills
which have spores coloured white;
some may cause mortal fright:
they contain an ingredient that kills.
"
"although almond's two types?bitter, sweet?
both produce fragrant oil from their meat,
bitter almond, badam,
is not sold here, madame:
prussic acid is harmful to eat.
"
"made of raffia, woven with care
to allow constant access to air,
my big clothes basket's store
is tomatoes galore
wrapped in newsprint, ""vine-ripening"" there.
"
"this traditional substance i choose
for the stitching of birchbark canoes:
though mosquitoes and rain
plague the bogs up in maine,
i pull roots of black spruces to use.
"
"although haricots verts i've not seen,
fava, chinese long, blue lake are green.
yellow wax, purple snaps
are additional wraps
of the edible-podded fresh bean.
"
"baked alaska once just meant dessert.
now it's feared that the earth has been hurt.
ice caps melt; global warming
keeps glaciers from forming.
can ketchikan catch torrid dirt?
"
"an acquittance says, ""this debt is done.""
it feels like you lost a whole ton.
an acquittance can edit
a lien from your credit:
kick back and relax?have some fun!
"
"male bonasa umbellus ruffed grouse
creates music when wooing a spouse.
first, he stands tall and thrums
with his wings, as on drums,
then displays fan and ruff to the house.
"
"there's no healthier breakfast than this,
topped with fruits and chopped hazelnuts, miss;
creamy milk-softened oats
mixed with flaked buckwheat groats:
bircherm?esli, it's munched by the swiss!
"
"ipuwer's papyrus informs
that amalekites worshipped wild storms,
from mecca's floods fled,
then from egypt's plagues sped,
and terrorized negev in swarms.
"
"ammodramus, a genus of sparrows,
features several with tails sharp as arrows.
from the fens where they skulk
they eat grass seeds in bulk
and snatch bugs by the dawn and dusk scarrows.
"
"to get accurate algebra tallies,
use this method, steer clear of blind alleys.
""new math"" once poked fun
at mnemonics i spun:
please excuse my dear (endless) aunt sallies.
"
"an old testament biblical tale
told of jonah's three days in a whale.
anagoges presume
this is christ in his tomb,
or a teen feeling trapped while in jail.
"
"a piratical seabird, the bonxie,
behaves like some thug from the bronx: he
steals lunches of sparids
from hard-fishing larids?
his cousins!  great skua's a cronk, see?
"
"go to sleep, baby jane, you bemuse
weary mommy with faces you choose.
while our kangaroo care
joins us, bare skin to bare,
i will sing you a cradle berceuse.
"
"along florida's space-launching coast,
aphelocoma flew to a post.
this jay lives in scrubs?
pines and oaks small as shrubs?
though cerulean, brighter than most.
"
"levee rifts left new orleans bereft;
flooding snarled her societal weft,
leaving victims galore,
old and poor, at death's door,
to subsist by donations or theft.
"
"through the water, tall aramus wades.
streaked and spotted brown feathers in shades
of the mud swathe this snailer.
""key-aaaar,"" wails this wailer.
this limpkin limps home in the 'glades.
"
"sometimes barriers slow down the pace
that gets people and things place to place.
bridges, detours, and tunnels
are trafficking funnels
a transporter's likely to face.
"
"averse: if not one word but two,
has dissimilar sense, you'll construe.
all one's ""disinclined""
while two's ""rhyme refined"".
i loathe the confusion, don't you?
"
"pour a pint of dark rum from jamaica
on three cups of halved bay leaves, then take a
clean quart jar, pack scant.
wait a month, then decant.
this is bay rum: what's more, it won't break ya.
"
"if your baby is driving you wild
and you fear you'll be shaking your child,
put her cradle and her
out of reach, we'd prefer,
till you chill from ill-tempered to mild.
"
"first minke, then humpback, then fin
balaenopterae whales breached within
the prince of whales's view,
and the seawater blew!
these rorquals are sea-sieving kin.
"
"to call tamara anti-japan
would ignore her hand-painted silk fan,
paper cranes, jumping frogs,
manga books, geta clogs,
and her nickname of tamara-chan.
"
"aardwolves are wolves of the earth.
in their underground dens they give birth,
sharing care for their young,
slurping termites by tongue?
like hyenas, without extra mirth.
"
"england's amesbury was old when the dane
gazed on stonehenge upon salisbury plain.
its namesake in mass.
guards the merrimack's pass
before salisbury meets gulf of maine.
"
"through bahamian gardens they flit,
sipping juices from fruits they can slit.
these birds sing on the wing
but their squawks mean one thing:
""back off our banana tree?quit!""
"
"alcyones kingfishers dive
straight down to catch fish, so they thrive.
tunnel-nesters, they're able
at yuletide?per fable?
to sea-nest, then seas can ""take five.""
"
"ocean ice slicks the rocks whence we sally.
dovekie bobs on the waves, peak to valley.
neckless auk in a tux
dives for krill which it plucks
with its bill.  ""hey! come out! alle alle!""
"
"dry tortugas in summer are hot
for a brown or black noddy to spot;
you can sail from key west
to an anous nest:
short-tailed swoop-fishers roost on this dot.
"
"small gray titmice are birdlings whose crests
named the baeolophus genus.  their nests
fill wee hollows of trees.
they debug trees with ease,
fussing, ""ti ti"" while snacking on pests.
"
"an aasgier cock cares for his brood
when he cracks ostrich eggs for their food;
throwing stones with his beak,
he persists till they leak
and their ostrichy liquids exude.
"
"aythya ducks dive, they don't dabble.
they sink out of sight of the rabble,
then thrust with their feet
to snag bay grass to eat,
or invertebrate munchies to drabble.
"
"we returned to our flood-damaged 'hood,
and we salvaged what little we could.
from the bed moldings down
to the base moldings, brown
mold had covered our bunkbeds, but good!
"
"neither eagle nor trump ever wearies
of cirrus-wrapped castles called aeries;
these homes are so high
that they tickle the sky
in prime-time reality series.
"
"looking down from the plane, far beneath,
lines of mountains appeared to be teeth
upon patchwork; this stash
swapped for tooth fairy's cash
would leave mountainous sums to bequeath.
"
"wearing green cap and gown with gold tassels,
nick was honored to leave high school hassles.
then his classmate, cap doffed,
arched his back, flipped aloft,
and descended to praise by the passels.
"
"baby jane's going home soon, mayhap,
in a sweater and booties and cap
mrs. undhru has made
in an apricot shade,
as a heat-keeping wintertime wrap.
"
"freshly shaved, with his clothes smoothly pressed,
nathan stepped to the front and addressed
the new restaurant's crew
as their chef-trainer, who
(we agnise) grew up teacher gene blessed.
"
"when janis, financial attorney,
aids multibank officer ernie,
she assures the perfection
of clients' protection
by building up trust on each journey.
"
"sam has idiocy, type amaurotic:
a regressive, genetic, exotic
condition.  fat plaques
induce blindness attacks,
and they render poor sam idiotic.
"
"our dog hates the fourth of july.
misty whimpers to all passersby.
for at dusk, a barrage
of bright lights in montage
with loud sounds hurts her senses?that's why.
"
"on this day, thirty winters ago,
in a halo of blizzard-blown snow,
we got married in queens,
so you know what that means,
my beloved, we're royalty, no?
"
"every arillate (ariled) plant needs
fleshy bright-colored covers for seeds.
you can eat the yew's arils.
but ackee's imperils
through dumb dietetical deeds.
"
"she's bacteriologically gifted.
she peers into her microscope, shifted
to low power, scanning,
then high power, panning,
as spirochetes swiftly are sifted.
"
"shorttailed shrews (or in latin, blarina
brevicauda) sport pewter's patina,
hidden ears, tiny eyes,
poison spit?are they spies
in their east-of-the-rockies arena?
"
"our binoculars stowed at the third watch,
we drove east to ""pelagics-assured"" watch.
jaeger, petrel, and tern
joined our bird-watch to learn
how to peer through my saltspray-obscured watch.
"
"ancient mitzvah the house cat was scared.
for a full thirty minutes she stared
at her place:  she's displaced
by a baby, disgraced!
boon or bane, today, mitzvah's de-laired.
"
"your heart is no valentine pump,
but a strong asymmetrical clump
of two atria pounding
with ventricles, sounding
loud chamber arrangements?ka-thump!
"
"my nurse's bag hangs from a door.
zippered pockets hold gloves, swabs, and more.
before inward i peek,
i employ bag technique,
wash my hands, and each tool it will store.
"
"skeins of canada geese write aversively.
they form block-letter vees by dispersively
taking turns:  the geese aer-
odynamically share.
skeins of snow geese form their flight vees cursively.
"
"when the first killing frost fell last night,
my tomato vine shrunk from its might.
now a black withered blastie,
cells blasted and nasty,
the vine weeps its last at first light.
"
"""i want breasts on my woman!"" he said.
so with implants her bust-line she spread.
but her new guy reproved
so she had them removed.
at her implant-free breasts, baby's fed.
"
"there are three ways to use anti-icing:
there's no glaze on the cake jan is slicing;
dean bob often prays,
""please, no ice on school days"";
ice finds sprayed airplane wings unenticing.
"
"a cinnamon bear scared some nurses
when she sniffed at their backpacks and purses.
but the sow backed off quickly
and stared, looking sickly:
the bear heard her bearherd yell ""ursus!""
"
"his systolic was two hundred three,
diastolic was forty:  the fee
for this blood pressure spread
was a stroke in the head,
on account of a too-wide bp.
"
"along freshwater wetlands dispersed,
a blue flag is an iris emersed,
also called fleur-de-lis.
blue flag also can be
a clean beach, scottish saltire, de-versed.
"
"although people mean yes with amen,
this word also means?straining my ken?
that god notes all my needs,
sees all human misdeeds,
and comes quickly to judge, god knows when.
"
"when the aztecs, the sons of the sun,
met cortez, they were able to stun
the spaniards in battles.
spears, sped from atlatls,
pierced armor?but lost to the gun.
"
"white blooms replace snow on the hill,
eight-petaled, one leaf for each frill.
from their bloodroots they tap
sanguinaria sap
till each phloem flows red to its fill.
"
"until spring sends the thaw that beseeches
the silvery branches of beeches
to drop coppery leaves,
they're marcescent:  each cleaves
to make windbreaks amid leafy breaches.
"
"baby bunny stretched up his full height,
nibbling each pink petunia in sight;
while inside poppa died,
as his family cried:
not a banquet for death?just a bite.
"
"the tree swallow's munchies are planned
like the yellow-rumped warbler's food, spanned
through their months of non-breeding:
they're bayberry seeding
and live off the wax of the land.
"
"to a mixture of salt, fat, and flour,
add a cup of cold milk, beat an hour
with the flat of an axe;
form as spheres, place on racks,
prick three times with a fork, bake, devour.
"
"the bailiff commands us, ""all rise.""
as the judge takes her seat, i surmise:
we could raise funds for bail
if our child goes to jail...
what?  dismissed?  what a joyous surprise!
"
"spiro keats, too much time on his hands,
carried bejel to dry dusty lands.
now their children have sores
on their bods by the scores,
spread when moms scrub their babies with sands.
"
"sandwort rootlets clutch sand in their ravel.
turnstones hunt for their lunch under gravel.
arenaria places
them all in sand spaces.
stay put, herbs! the shorebirds must travel.
"
"while flick'ring forked tongues are their fame,
some snakes have tongues shaped like a flame.
but a genus of fern,
and some lilies, we learn,
all share adder's tongue as their name.
"
"playing rum diddy-dum diddy-dum,
all day long, dad and son banged their drum.
but the hour grew late
and their drum met its fate
with one swing of a bat brought by mum.
"
"at the kennel (a canine hotel), a
requirement is stop! show-and-tell a
new verification
of immunization,
so dogs cannot cough bordetella.
"
"michelangelo knew cherubim
have more faces than bright seraphim.
how ironic (or stupid)
to substitute cupid
for angel forms, thus to blaspheme.
"
"""there's a bulge in the midst of that fat snake!""
""well, of course!  she's our neighbor, black rat snake.
when it's hot, she climbs trees
to catch zz's in the breeze
and gets grumpy, so please do not pat snake.""
"
"near the launch pads whence space shuttles soar,
merritt island hosts herds of wild boar.
sus scrofa's sharp tusks
carve the ground as their musks
turn their squeals to a deafening roar.
"
"in apprenticeships, people who train,
but from formalized studies abstain,
are by articling bound
while their set years amound,
then the status of journeymen gain.
"
"under eyebrows, each shaped like a caret,
peers frank ferret, his eyes red as claret.
then he curls up to nap
in his bed in her cap,
tara's greyish, brushed-felt, wide-brimmed barret.
"
"despite rest, the contractions won't cease.
soon mom's symptoms require release.
jane, just five-eighths to prime
human gestating time,
comes beforetime, our tiniest niece.
"
"an abscess (collection of pus),
when sequestered in bone, makes a fuss;
this bacterial detritus
from osteomyelitis
can weaken bone's durable truss.
"
"baby jane now weighs three-point-three pounds.
she can breathe off the vent (within bounds).
so a bath basin's set
in her warm isolette
for the baby's first bath?and first sounds.
"
"mouse-eared cresses called arabidopsis
thaliana are famed?my synopsis:
of plant genomes they placed
as the first to be traced
and suck toxins?reverse thanatopsis.
"
"he slides out of his gallon jug snakery
in the dark of the night: black snake fakery.
but my gram, bathroom bound,
treads his tail.  wails redound.
grandfolks race from black racer to bakery.
"
"by the roadsides, the deer like to hang
since the grass there is sweet as meringue.
the best bang for the buck
has them pushing their luck,
when a car gets a buck for its bang.
"
"""see that none of your actions embarrasses.
those slopes, like that tower in paris's,
are thousand-foot drops.
do not run!  no fast stops.""
our whole class walked on air at the arrises.
"
"mother hubbard, penurious crone,
with her ravenous dog lived alone.
though her cupboard was bare,
her dog chewed without care
on blue squashes instead of a bone.
"
"""onkachonk,"" booms one voice of a bittern,
as though bowing a cittern or gittern.
its continuo stills
when raised bills, like sharp quills,
leave birders as bitter as flittern.
"
"when the blatherskite ruddy ducks call,
they're nonsensical, noisy to all
but each other.  the drake
runs on water to make
popping sounds to his near slip-and-fall.
"
"when our income was cut, it felt frightening.
we slowed spending; financial belt-tightening
put wants in a cinch.
every penny we'd pinch
helped us clinch, ? la roosevelt, ""lightening"".
"
"in manhattan, a cimex resurgence
has accompanied travel divergence.
so my darling, sleep tight.
do not let bedbugs bite
you tonight as they flaunt reemergence.
"
"to lloyd bentsen, i'm penning this threnody.
politician, his texan ""idenidy""
shows best in this tale:
while debating dan quayle
he said, ""senator, you're no jack kennedy.""
"
"to the newlyweds, sworn anti-cold,
wearing layers of sweaters gets old
when the temp's below zero;
the heater's their hero:
just leaving the bed proves them bold.
"
"what a thoughtful and vivid bouquet
you dispatched?it arrived here today.
yellow mums and blue flags
perk up courage that sags
and send ""get well soon"" greetings my way.
"
"we were stuck in a soggy clay gob
by a cow pasture close to spruce knob;
to the fence's top link
flew a bird burbling ""bwink"":
suitor bobolink, caped for his job.
"
"asgard-midgard's the route they are taking
as the norse gods commute at day's breaking.
at the rainbow-bridge, thor
skirts its span: all the more,
bifrost lasts until ragnarok's quaking.
"
"many-parted and teary as shallot
was the way janis got on the ballot.
her petition's packed lines
gave permission for signs,
and she whacked her pol' thumb with a mallet.
"
"to a twig, misdirection was sent:
it was changed in its course or intent;
like the numeral 8,
it grew crooked, not straight.
now you notice a tree has been bent.
"
"when the editor's neck-deep in lace,
bolts of final approvals to place,
all the cut-work is set,
words embroidered on net,
even gros points defined with sheer grace.
"
"tucked away in the room for a guest
is a folded-star quilt, her request
to make sweet sixteen sweet.
ten years later, complete,
sandra treasures her quilt, kept for best.
"
"stephen king writes of horror and pain
in this city where folks must deplane
for ""no fly"" listed names,
or behavior that shames:
this is bangor, where terror meets maine.
"
"take a mammal, for instance, the badger;
its nose is shaped, mostly, by agger
nasi.   this ridge,
when it's fused, forms a bridge,
used in sniffing its prey?the old cadger!
"
"since marquita's sick thyroid's a quitter,
swollen up like an eve's-apple fritter,
zap it dead! what intrigue!
she needs antifatigue:
bottoms-up! she'll get better...or bitter?
"
"in the springtime, i hiked with a pal
on a towpath along a canal;
heard a tiny bird buzz,
spied her nest built of fuzz:
archilochus-with-no-ruby gal.
"
"at the heart's sinoatrial node
it began, and then onward it flowed
like the fronds of a date tree: co-
chemical atrio-
ventricular heart-jolting road.
"
"an ancress named julian of norwich
lived walled-in by a church, as in storage;
all her guests she would tell,
""all is god, all is well,""
as they proffered her day's bowl of porridge.
"
"boxwood hedges, some fragrant, some not,
form a boundary, edging the lot
where a granddaughter grieves.
tiny evergreen leaves
express hope for the souls in each plot.
"
"they say vitamin c prevents scurvy,
keeping lenses of eyes clear and curvy;
it's an iron absorbate
(in pill form, ascorbate):
without it, joints clot topsy-turvy.
"
"is the silkworm a driveling fool
when its paired spinnerets emit drool?
drying out, it will have
lengthy double-thread bave
for to wind 'round itself, like a spool.
"
"if kapha and pitta and vatta
unbalance, then something's the matta.
your alternative medic,
through routes ayurvedic,
rebalances dosha errata.
"
"by its colors each plumage is checkered,
among flycatcher tyrants named becard.
males of species endue
with a tropical hue,
sixteen patterns of color, by record.
"
"do not suffer from sulfurous grief!
shredded cabbage can marry corned beef;
add it last, let it heat
in the steam of the meat
till it's tender, each vivid-green leaf.
"
"lots of shots help, but kids, as a rule,
get inured to infections at school.
so we introduce germs
bite by bite; on those terms,
cafeteria food's a great tool.
"
"when cassava that's bitter is squashed
and de-skinned, then repeatedly washed,
tapioca's created:
for custard it's fated,
since cyanide poison is quashed.
"
"after sit-ups my tum needs a rub
and a soak in a hot water tub?
not quite to a boil?
and then wintergreen oil
besmears all my aches to a stub.
"
"many camp meeting stories i've told.
the preachers were fiery and bold!
friends and family were there?
round the campfire we'd share
and sing songs 'til the night grew too cold.
"
"in burma, for rubies they pion,
and for sapphires that buddha may lie on.
to solve this conundrum:
bright gems of corundum
are sluiced from clay soil known as byon.
"
"he's a catbird expressing his thrills
far above, in the treetop; he trills
with an interspersed ""mew.""
from his catbird seat view,
he can see any aspect he wills.
"
"those muppets-type puppets can't act
as though piggie and frog vows are fact.
""pro-meat"" can't wed ""veg"";
if antimisceg-
enation rules, likes must attract.
"
"my girlfriend (we might call her daria)
has no ovaries?that's anovaria.
she is xo genetically,
so, energetically
strives to prepare her ""girl area.""
"
"snowy weather the horned larks endured.
when their horse pasture, freshly manured,
filled with weed seeds for gleaning,
they leapt?trampolining:
alaudidae, birds unobscured.
"
"i rubbed my eyes firmly and yawned.
then i looked out again, and it dawned
on me, i don't need glasses!
long spikes top those grasses:
the mid-summer barley is awned.
"
"seeking smoky-sweet meat and a brew,
tasty pork chops and short ribs to chew?
take this road for a spell,
and prepare to eat well
at an all u can eat bbq.
"
"she bacteriologically views
slides of prokaryotic-filled goos.
unicellular growth,
names of microbes, are both
learned as microscopes fill in the clues.
"
"while vanilla as flavoring's boring,
the vanilla bean's prices are soaring.
its orchid festoons
tropic timbers, whose boons
are axed daily, while food snobs are snoring.
"
"black raspberry canes climb a hill
from their source at the edge of a rill.
fragrant purple-black thimbles
their picker benimbles
for blackcap taste gives her a thrill.
"
"if the atrial beat of the heart,
and ventricular beat (pumping part),
uncoordinate, shiver
asynchrony's quiver,
their timing may need a restart.
"
"i won't breathe a word, but i saw
arnold s. lifting weights in a spa;
he benched five fifty-three
anaerobically,
as each hoist fought his pecs to a draw.
"
"was jesus the same stuff as god?
fourth century folks found it odd
to think arian thought.
athanasians did not.
one substance for both, they'd applaud.
"
"californite's hard gem's glossy sheen
hides its ""midas-touch"" means to turn mean.
some say ""power's a crock,""
mocking igneous rock
that makes heart chakras dollar-bill green.
"
"it's a slender grooved molding or frame
made of rods of cast lead and called came.
whether casements or stained,
glass that's quarried or paned
is held tightly by came, all the same.
"
"in the packaging cardboard, unseen,
they kept oil in our wheat germ pristine.
butylated hydroxys
mutilated (like moxies)
and damaged the health of a gene.
"
"he's made batches from here to infinity
of this fudgy confection whose trinity?
sugar, water, albumen?
form tastes of the numen
to the bachelor man of divinity.
"
"finely wrought decorations may start
others' phrasings repenned to look smart.
it's not pseudepigraphy,
rather, calligraphy:
handwriting scripted as art.
"
"white or purple, its heavy head stacks
on a stalk; rich nutrition it packs.
this is crisp, crunchy cauliflower
formed of many a smally flower,
and it ranks with my favorite snacks.
"
"marseilles would be best  as the place
for a first time to test bouillabaisse.
that's a soup made of fish,
and this wonderful dish
seasons seafood with saffron and grace.
"
"""as the crow flies"" is straight as a shot
by the fastest routes regions have got.
though once felled by west nile,
crows are flying in style
over traffic tied up like a knot.
"
"cambric tea is the decaf for me:
it's 100% caffeine-free.
first, pour water that's hot,
wave a bag through the pot,
then add sugar and milk for weak tea!
"
"nuptial masses were anciently said
as four catholic priests overspread
heads of bridegroom and bride
with a carecloth to hide
them from holiness:  god in the bread.
"
"although carols are jubilant songs,
english ceorls formed freeholder throngs:
a brick house in maryland,
paid now, to carol and
dave, by fee simple, belongs.
"
"yellow avens kept milk fresh in dairies
and white avens were flowers for fairies.
purple avens blooms burn
vivid colors, then turn
into seedpods like smoke on the prairies.
"
"why, esther has stars in her eyes
as she scans her asteria prize!
her micas transmit
star-shaped light as they sit
on black velvet, each stone the same size.
"
"the word brunizem, meaning ""brown earth,""
once applied to the prairie soil's worth.
now called mollisol, filth
flows through worms to form tilth:
of ""soft soil"" this poor earth has a dearth.
"
"""c'mon, gecko,"" i gently cajole,
""though it's snug in your under-dish hole,
your sunlamp is shining
and crickets are whining.
wake up! play your predator role.""
"
"what if sibilant english had been
formed of letters cedilla and shin?
every plural would frown
as an aggregate noun
in an esslessness fit for a queen.
"
"when the fossil fuel's finished, don't fret;
you can gather manure that's wet.
dry those cow pats to hasten
their service as casson.
use cow dung for burning?  not yet!
"
"spiky flowers top stems four feet tall,
brightening dark muddy woods in the fall
with their cardinal red;
""smoke their leaves,"" it is said,
""to achieve a tobacco-like thrall.""
"
"when the bus stops, my husband alights
from the metrobus car-dwarfing heights;
weighted down by computer
and books, this commuter
i meet at the bus stop most nights.
"
"when deciders (in line with the truth)
and causers (decidedly couth)
are allied, then a pride
of young lions beside
frisky lambkins will sunbathe, forsooth!
"
"when neuralgia and migraine cause pain,
take some betony tea:  pain will wane,
for its betaine serves
as astringent to nerves,
symptomatic relief to regain.
"
"amphimacer's foot, like a smile,
starts out high, stressed, and long as a mile.
then it drops, unstressed, short
like a whispered retort,
and winds up, stressed in widening style.
"
"though the anarchist hated the system
(its authorities thoroughly pissed 'im),
when his targets were dead
and his mayhem caused dread,
he discovered his weakness?he missed 'em.
"
"adam's home, very soon to deploy
to iraq's sadr city; this boy
came to say his goodbyes,
hoping nobody cries,
wearing boldness one sob could destroy.
"
"if your ethics are spotty as maculo-
papular rash, learn from draculo:
folks won't notice a spot
if you beat them a lot.
rule with fear, wield the rod, use abaculo.
"
"teaching classes, one term at a time,
as an adjunct professor's sublime.
it's agreeable work
with free courses a perk,
although pay is so low, it's a crime.
"
"inflorescence of betony towers
two feet above lowlier flowers;
each bract in the spike
is bright crimson; bees like
their lobed calyces?fewer flight hours!
"
"""you're so right, dear,"" he sneeringly said,
""i agree, since you've messed with my head.""
his egregious agreemony
demeanor's so demon-y,
their marriage is damned, nearly dead.
"
"abumbral's the side of the velum
that the acalephs used to propel 'em
by pulsed water jettings
through seawater settings
in the second world war's antebellum.
"
"to his wife, said a pastor, ""our lord
says we're not granted blessings to hoard.
our parishioners' grief
needs relief.  our belief
bids us share our abode, bed and board.""
"
"u.s. navy case managers (champus)
asked marine mammals profs (juneau campus),
""our insured says he fell
off his ship.  can you tell?
was he nipped by a killer whale (grampus)?""
"
"ando's dead and his ramen is dry.
though his seasoning's sere, do not cry?
momofuku's a king!
heaven's microwaves ""ping""
and reconstitute ando on high.
"
"mix six liquors?a baltimore zoo?
for a ""boozoological"" brew;
make it grenadine pink,
splash in beer, lemon?drink!
('twas invented by guys at purdue.)
"
"""clothes are getting so big now,"" notes bea,
""once humongous, i feel like a flea!
since my diet's so slimming
and gym is so trimming,
i've lost! (went from d cup to c.)""
"
"when she went to the veterinarian,
our cat, miriam, came out contrarian.
all those shots, although sterile,
turned miriam feral,
our alley cat cat-centenarian.
"
"young, flamboyant red leaves spread their glory
over dry tropic forests' top story;
insects (color blind) see
no free lunch from celae-
nodendron mexicanum's slick florae.
"
"students suffer conditions impeding
their grasp of the knowledge they're needing.
integration of art
links the brain and the heart
and improves comprehension of reading.
"
"alces alces (in latin and greek)
is an elk (in teutonical-speak).
naticks used the word moos,
""one that strips the bark loose.""
alces moose is a species unique.
"
"coty's chypre parfumerie floats
an aroma glissando of notes:
with a bergamot start,
jasmine-labdanum heart,
base of musk (but no longer from stoats).
"
"the ceiling tiles fell on our bed.
as did norway rats?brown, rather dead.
but the worst was the smell
of the home where we dwell:
when our drop ceiling dropped (eek!), we fled.
"
"to americanise, we should spell
words quite differently. can you tell
how to change them? one guess?
use a zed for an ess?
then americanize read it well.
"
"by the thundering falls of niagara,
the bridegroom gulped tabs of viagra
with chasers of wine;
his bride says he's fine
now, mishandled by gouty chiragra.
"
"raisins, currants, and prunes, all chopped fine,
soaked all year in dark rum and red wine,
mixed with suet, eggs, flour,
and spice, steamed one hour,
makes christmas plum pudding divine.
"
"robert johnson, george foreman, and shaq
promote capitalism to back
products patrons will buy,
to keep ethnic pride high,
and to keep their accounts in the black.
"
"academic administrators serve
on the edge of their faculty's nerve;
tasked with course-slotting, logging
of costs, writer-dogging,
education might else start to swerve.
"
"tiny sparrow-like birds peck the snow
seeking insects that lurk just below.
pipits saunter with sass
as the speeding cars pass:
anthus taunts his old horsepower foe.
"
"at the pentagon, well-pressed fatigues
are the dress code; this concept intrigues!
cotton chino's fine twill,
bent to war-making will,
lofts it far from the leisure suit leagues.
"
"when charity noted with clarity,
""orphan children need schooling at parity
with their peers,"" many nations'
commercial foundations
gave money to charity's charity.
"
"when the pollen grains, gold and chartreuse,
block my view (windshield wipers? no use!),
then the pheromones fly!
older lovers ask, ""why
wait for spring?chronosexist excuse?""
"
"abbevillian times featured the carper,
and hewer, and hunter, and harper,
who used, for their praxes,
bifacial stone axes?
like janus, but dressed somewhat sharper.
"
"on a wintery drive, the peugeot
hit a pothole half-covered with snow.
now all four wheels' alignment
has need for refinement
in caster and camber and toe.
"
"when preparing french beans amandine,
steam these veggies until they're bright green.
then toast almonds (sliced thin),
add the beans and fold in
salt and butter. voil?! haute cuisine.
"
"pursue peace at the point of a gun?
such antithesis!  logic unspun!
war's a powerful ruse,
so instead i will choose
antiviolence?fighting i shun.
"
"on the first night of channukah, hark
to the cantor who chants by the ark.
kindly stifle your swoons;
almond-laced macaroons
heaped your plates with menorah's first spark.
"
"a war-weary vet from dalmatia
had served long in defense of croatia.
""i can't rise, can't get hard,""
he sobbed. ""?ena, i'm scarred!
now i drag, draga, due to acratia.""
"
"finely braided, of linen or cotton,
is this skein of soft cord i have gotten
to make candle wicks, snipping
a meter for dipping.
soon both ends will have candles a-clottin'.
"
"as to allergens, eve was a cynic.
christmas eve,  she met abietinic
acid; an itch
from her christmas pine's pitch
required eve to get scratched at a clinic.
"
"accipiter hawks understand
swiftly seizing the subject at hand.
so accipitral birds,
in a class without words,
use their talons to grasp lunch as planned.
"
"to make soap called jabon de castila,
fine siftings of ash from barilla
and castile's olive oil
were well-mixed, set aboil,
with brine added, soap floated, camilla.
"
"before priming his canvas, lepew
doodled stripings of black and dark blue.
then he painted in oils.
by what's hidden, time spoils:
now his doodles are seen, bleeding through.
"
"in conakry, law's subjugation
has made guinea a most corrupt nation.
""what's your crime?"" ""c'est le vol.""
""and your crime?"" ""c'est le viol.""
daily, six?uncharged?die of starvation.
"
"my first cousinry count's thirty-four
and my husband's is fifty or more,
but our children's first cousins,
not numbered in dozens,
add six to their cousinry score.
"
"kittens (three) of a calico cat
took over our yard.  a felt rat
was the toy that they plied
as they nursed at her side,
while she cozily licked their fur flat.
"
"northern flickers from treeholes will peek,
then fly groundward for ants that they seek.
they wear red at the nape
and are also called clape
(whence?  colaptes auratus, from greek).
"
"an aedes mosquito can spread
a bad virus like butter on bread;
an overachiever,
it spreads yellow fever,
or dengue, or zika, instead.
"
"academic robes feature a stole.
kalleh's apricot stole plays this role:
art and science of caring
blend pink and gold, pairing
the parts that make nursing a whole.
"
"in the summer, mosquitoes abound,
and they're whining five feet off the ground
with much near-ear vibration
and circumvolation:
they're buzzing my head, flying 'round.
"
"sometimes checks (also, cheques) seem to sail
to their postings, while other checks fail.
although some don't get sent,
vendors, that's not my bent:
check your checking; the ck's in the mail.
"
"when the lilting of spring fills the world,
up pops cinnamon fern, tightly furled;
violin-like its neck.
these we pick by the peck.
in a fiddlehead stir-fry they're swirled.
"
"around marshes, fens, lakes, swamps, and ponds,
twice-cut cinnamon ferns' sterile fronds
form rosettes to surround
golden-brown sori found
atop fertile frond fuzz-swaddled wands.
"
"galium aparine, busy as beavers,
are the plant world's elastic achievers:
24% strain
is the most stems maintain;
clinging hairs on all parts make them cleavers.
"
"greek phalakros means ""bald,"" korax ""crow.""
of the three dozen species we know,
every cormorant and shag
plunge- or lunge-dives to snag
fish for lunch.  then wings drip-dry...so...slow.
"
"stu milked tulip, his mind in a whirl.
""my hair's straight; it's no sight for a girl!""
stu put oats on his head,
tulip's spittle was spread,
and her cowlick made stuart's hair curl.
"
"""a blockhead gets crispy,"" i say,
""when assaulted and battered."" i stay
far away, with my wok
heating oil, until knock!
then i batter his head, just in play.
"
"mum grew feeble in scotland; she'd dotter.
art prof margaret (painter and potter)
left her post in the states.
she and philip?they're mates?
bought a cottage near mum:  prof's a cotter.
"
"when philip and margaret bought land
near margaret's parents in scotland,
its tight cozy cottage
smelt largely of pottage;
its front, back, and side yards were cotland.
"
"i strolled to the grocery store
with my preschooler, going on four.
the bananas she chose
(tiny, fat-fingered, rose-
skinned and sweet) left us longing for more.
"
"if unsteady is what you would be,
learn from astatine, symbol at,
which?an element heavy
from halogen's bevy?
decays in an isotope spree.
"
"force of law that a custom gets, gratis,
then constitutes consuetude status.
we're kind to our neighbors
lest miffed neighbors' labors
fling onerous rules right back at us.
"
"look beyond the fa?ade, outer shell
of the problems you meet; know them well.
once cracked open, their meat
is incredibly sweet.
if fond hopes are belied, give 'em hell!
"
"i understand dear anastasia
has acquired epileptic aphasia.
where once she could speak,
and talk on for a week,
today she's regressed to aphrasia.
"
"jon blew up today (medic, iraq),
in a humvee; this roadside attack
took out mom, dad, and krista,
and optimists' vista:
all casualties caught in the flak.
"
"he admonished those different from him
that their views were invalid, quite dim.
no such warning should cause
any person to pause,
but from dubya, it's terror-is-'im.
"
"i was seeking invective much greater
(forget merely loather or hater!).
i yelled to my foe,
""may you welter in woe,
you abominator, go! see you later!""
"
"pat was showering.  don sat to go
to the toilet, but fell, wedged below.
pat stepped out, moved him more so
she balanced his torso.
""hey, pat,"" don said, ""thanks for the show!""
"
"chipping sparrow's home's flimsy?  no fear!
nest has holly protection; food's near.
plumage-perfect spizella
passerina, vain fella,
molts face feathers six times a year!
"
"luther burbank, a plant breeder, hoes
his potato plants, all early rose.
a rare seed-ball soon buds
variations of spuds,
from which burbanks?a new kind?he grows.
"
"placenta that's spent?what's it worth
when, its shiny side up, it hits earth?
well, its story's not through:
it turns up in shampoo,
thus proving there's life afterbirth.
"
"in your retina's rods, twilight vision
is enabled with speed and precision:
between lashes, light drops in,
bleaches bathorhodopsin,
leads to retinal-opsin collision.
"
"just three months after danny first crawled,
it occurred. mom and dad were appalled.
wart-like things on his neck?
little dan was a wreck!
epidemic, this acne is called.
"
"since asbestos can give people cancer,
find pink panther:  it might be the answer
to keep a house warm.
glass in fiber-like form,
an asbestoid r-factor enhancer.
"
"picking blackberries means filling pails
with sweet purplish fruit, till their bails
almost break in the briers,
and selecting no-wires-
electronics for blackberry mails.
"
"parasitic, the cowbird chicks pecked,
with appetites always unchecked.
i pity the starlings
who fed these large darlings:
no food for their brood; it was wrecked.
"
"row on row, on the pipe racks and shelves,
denim waits as the weary mom delves
through its indigo stacks,
vests and jackets and slacks:
buying blue jeans her kids pick, themselves.
"
"i cook eggs in an anti-stick pan,
which i serve to my anti-stick man.
soft-cooked eggs don't adhere;
nor do taunts meant to smear:
not one taint makes my pol ""also-ran.""
"
"i'm illiterate; books are a pain.
i'm dyslexic as well, so it's plain:
i can't read.  oh, why can't i?
besides, since i'm anti-
intellectual, who needs my brain?
"
"bhutanese plant their special red rice
beside streams fed by glacier ice.
it's a mineral dream,
and tastes nice cooked with cream,
but it's quite himalayan in price.
"
"acanthocybium, fish of warm oceans,
are fighters that loathe sushi notions.
named peto and wahoo,
if fish could use yahoo!
they'd pinpoint this genus's motions.
"
"my home on the range and its plows
are both powered by methane from cows.
and these gases from steers
fuel my car?it appears,
that's as far as our science allows.
"
"ambystomids find humid haunts,
salamanders' terrestrial wonts.
but some never grow up:
one, the ""mud"" larval ""pup,""
lives in lakes meant for love-making jaunts.
"
"pied-billed grebes live in fresh marsh and pond,
but these ducks cannot pierce ice's bond,
so they dive where the ocean
flings krill with its motion,
and bob along breakers beyond.
"
"as a seventy-fifth birthday present,
aunt jo clothed aunt pat's yard with pleasant
callicarpa whose beauty-
berries, mauve-hued and fruity,
are snacks for the bobwhite and pheasant.
"
"when affixing things, people should pick
an adhesive that's likely to stick;
whether mucilage, glue,
paste, epoxy-filled goo,
choose cohesives you don't have to lick.
"
"holy oil fills the pastoral vial
for anointing the sickly whose trial
causes grievous distress;
touched with chrism to bless,
healing enters, beyond all denial.
"
"in old silver mines, weathered and dry,
waxy horn silver crystals you'll spy:
not argentous (with fluoride),
but cerargyrite (chloride)
and bromargyrite (bromide), nearby.
"
"near caribbean, down by the n
is this steamiest city, cayenne.
french guiana's lone port
of the capital sort
is its pepperpot-sultry doyenne.
"
"around hairy square stems, basal leaves
become crenate, long-petioled sleeves
filled with betony scent,
but their numbers are spent:
overharvesting wastes, nature grieves.
"
"it came like a clapping of thunder
when i felt my insides split asunder;
then my meal of jerk goat
jerked its way up my throat
and erupted:  i started to chunder.
"
"callisteia are often the prize
to the easiest ones on our eyes.
in antiquity, greeks
thought the homely were freaks
(or, at least, that is what i surmise).
"
"in this chaffern, a large cooking pot,
water's heated to simmering hot;
so we bathe and we boil,
over laundry we toil,
and we stay in hot water a lot.
"
"""does this make me look fat?"" clem sat, glum.
""is it tight on my thighs?"" clem kept mum.
clem stayed clum, heard her holler;
she clummed clement's collar
till?choking?he whispered, ""yes, some.""
"
"in her shared ""common space"", model-thin yum
hosted short-half-life guests; protactinium
from a raid on her housing
required arousing
and applying a ribbed condominium.
"
"when pernicious anemia's crud
(huge erythrocytes) clutters the blood,
cobalt vitamin shots
restore oxygen (lots!)
and nip nerve decay right in the bud.
"
"fine-grained clay, as a slurry, is vile.
but when shaped into pots, bricks, or tile?
glazed or unglazed?and baked
in high heat that's unslaked,
clay is coctile: cooked tile lasts a while.
"
"a roodebok roamed tallahassee
munching challah from callahan's chassis.
""ya varmint!"" folks yelled,
""get on home: you're expelled!""
now in capetown, he's licking molassey.
"
"gentian violet, stoppered in bottles,
is a violet dyestuff that throttles
bacteria and yeast.
north america's northeast
bottle (closed) gentians' blue rarely mottles.
"
"old fort frederick's story concerns
hungry purple-stemmed cliffbrakes, small ferns
of calcivorous taste.
nothing limed goes to waste:
mortar crumbles, stone tumbles, by turns.
"
"to corinthians, paul wrote two letters
that tell christians agape love betters
all gifts, hope, and faith.
paul recalled, too, the wraith
of his shipwreck and stonings and fetters.
"
"malayalam words koyil and kotta
became kozhikode; due to errata,
it's called calicut (gotten
from calico cotton)
in malabar's coastal schemata.
"
"nate and ann on the loveseat were lolling,
when she felt herself slipping and falling
and reached round his neck.
drawing close at her beck,
nate embraced her:  the lovers were colling.
"
"the street monster hooked on the cookie
to veggies and fruits was a rookie.
so a bet he'd go ""healthy""
made me shockingly wealthy!
(the count is a good honest bookie.)
"
"no green thumb had young mistress livonia.
but when guilt gifts of christmas begonia
harbored mites that caused mange,
""table's turned;"" she cried, ""change
to the contrary, suckers:  i own ya!""
"
"skimmers, kittiwakes, gulls, jaegers, noddies
all have coastal bird, diving-style bodies;
dovekies, murrelets, terns dive,
auklets, guillemots, murres thrive,
skuas, razorbills, puffins gulp quoddies.
"
"aunt augusta (of family phelps)
cross-stitched blest be the bitch when she whelps,
upon twelve-foot-long blades
that she scythed from sea glades
of alaria?badderlocks?kelps.
"
"bile duct cancer inside of dick's liver
made him yellow, lose weight, start to shiver,
grow taut as a banjo,
and itch.  this cholangio-
carcinoma sold dick down the river.
"
"""to love beyond measure, exceeding
the usual norms, not impeding
old-fashioned style care
that is proud to be square,""
the word cherish is what you are needing.
"
"blues?electrical, smoky, and searing?
paint the notes his cornet's bell is blearing,
but the sounds of bassoons
float in swirls of maroons:
chromesthetic, intense, colored hearing.
"
"you got furs, i got smug matrimonia,
but he treated us badly, livonia!
warm these long nights of winter,
when hopes and dreams splinter,
with my gift of a christmas begonia.
"
"knock-off haircolor called cnicin kneesy
made her scalp itch and burn; she felt queasy.
soon she knelt in despair:
at her feet lay her hair.
now she's nettlesome, bald; it's not easy.
"
"for their walk in the wet scottish weather,
philip's jacket lapel sports pink heather.
cotter-pins clasp it still
as a cormorant's bill.
margaret's cotter-pinned hat sports a feather.
"
"critic's comments keep playwrights in check,
but his influence bothers like heck.
he gives to my plays
a kind of fake praise.
would an albatross fit 'round his neck?
"
"swampy okeefenokee's a place
where agkistrodon vipers enlace.
there the cottonmouths cuddle
and copperheads huddle:
resisting the cold, they embrace.
"
"skilled accountants are certified blest
for the public by passing a test.
they can manage your cash,
guide investments, and stash
ample savings, file taxes?impressed?
"
"anhingas have heads thin as snakes,
and they dart after fish in warm lakes,
but their wet wings won't fly,
so they stretch to drip dry
and enjoy the sun's heat as it bakes.
"
"dinner service is up; move some ass!
broil that steak!  roast those peppers!  torch glass
on those ten cr?mes br?l?es!
where's my mushroom saut??
that's right, people:  we're cooking with gas!
"
"with five gallons of cream in the churn,
aunt pauline sat beside it to turn
its wrought iron crank dasher;
but-ter sounds replaced spla-sher,
as her arm muscles started to burn.
"
"coarse-grained bread, torn and cursed, came to be
a medieval guilt/innocence key.
the accused, at a table,
heard, ""eat if you're able.
if you swallow the corsned, go free.""
"
"a hawaiian-chinese man, frank luke
knew sweet life as a teen was a fluke.
now, in sweetness congealed,
guava jam-like, he's sealed,
giving aging his raging rebuke.
"
"light-green, desert-born succulent sheaf,
let your gel to my burns give relief:
aloes bloom, flaming red,
or bright yellow, instead,
and dinosaur spines edge each leaf.
"
"these young mustard greens, eaten in salad,
make it tangy, while iceberg tastes pallid.
as arugula, rocket,
rucola, we stock it.
roquette and eruca are valid.
"
"on honshu, a bearded young ainu
waved ""hi,"" as he paddled his kay-noe.
i asked, when we met
at an ev'ning quintet,
""are you the same ainu whom i knew?""
"
"so your bones have grown brittle as rime
and you're chewing up chalk for its lime?
drink some adjuvant juice;
doff your clothes.  your excuse?
you need sun (a coadjuvant) time.
"
"though scott's  law tomes were heavy, the smells
of a kitchen brought quavering spells;
quelling hunger attacks,
he nuked easymac packs.
now he's conquered conchiglie:  shells.
"
"making lunch for a toddler?  then get a
small bowlful of conchigliette.
tiny fingers can pluck
teensy shell-shapes; with luck,
some get into the mouth!  nothing's better.
"
"huntley meadows turns thulian pink
when its forest floor, up from the brink
of a wetland, is snug
pentapetalous rug:
eastern spring beauties, blooming in sync.
"
"anacostia's bladensburg docks
host the black-crowned night heron, whose ""quocks""
summon fish in the gloaming;
it lurks, never roaming.
it lunges, suspending its vox.
"
"a hooker got hookworm at dawn,
when she stumbled, unshod, on her lawn.
ancylostoma bit,
crawling in through each slit,
sucking blood in her innards to spawn.
"
"for ricotta-stuffed conchiglioni
(a conchal, ridged, large macaroni):
boil these shell-shapes to soften;
fill with cheeses and often
chopped parsley?it's not abalone!
"
"fractioned diamond, federal city
(alexandria/arlington's quittee,
once george washington's gift),
from old line is your rift
dripping putrid with grift-by-committee?
"
"i attend a collegiate church
with six pastors, and now there's a search
for a new senior pastor
who quickly must master
a college church study-fueled perch.
"
"in the fifties, most laundry was white.
wringer washing machines squeezed it tight:
wash in soapy solution,
wring, clear-rinse ablution,
wring, bluing to keep the whites bright.
"
"we four sisters, a girls-only club,
built a playhouse amid oaken scrub
tied to boards with long strings
of those running pine things
folks call club moss and wolf's foot (a cub).
"
"can you live with yourself if you do it?
will your morals and ethics pull through it
intact?  it's a fact
that each conscionable act
serves to strengthen your conscience, renew it.
"
"when, at christmas, it sleeps in the mud,
painted chrysemys turtle's smart blood
uses lime from its shell
lactic acid to quell,
and awakens when spring blossoms bud.
"
"pulmonologists use?with compunctions?
caffeine citrate; although this drug functions
as a cardio- (heart)
-acceleratory (quick start),
it prompts breathing and calms bronchial junctions.
"
"if you buy a child's lemonade sign
'cause the pitcher's tipped over, that's fine;
as the spilled liquid dries,
you may not win a prize:
such rewards are more likely condign.
"
"in a cup made of bone ash are holes.
ore is heated inside it; out rolls
molten lead.  silver stays
in the coppel, reweighs
at its troy weight, less tare weight controls.
"
"said the long tidal river, ""you're glue,
and i'm scissors,"" to every route two.
""at each place we abut,
you connect but i cut,
my wide cleft through new england to hew.""
"
"it's black history month.  reverend king,
while we lift ev'ry voice and sing, cling
to your dream of equality.
demonstrate polity,
tubman; obama, take wing!
"
"without arms, how do climbing plants climb?
boston ivy screws roots into lime.
tender tendrils entwine
to hold snowpeas in line.
discs glue parthenocissus:  sublime!
"
"there's a cradle, held on by a strop
to a bough on the tree's broken top.
see it rock in the wind?
no!  a baby is pinned
in that cradle!  it's going to drop!
"
"though the diva once sang like a bird,
she was rendered aphonic, unheard.
but she conquered the flu
with an agrimony brew.
diva, brava! we hear every word!
"
"clomipramine lifts your depression
or your state of compulsive obsession;
it also can aid
with those times you're afraid,
your neurotransmitters to freshen.
"
"blow a bugle blast!  make the cows stop!
they are eating our ethanol crop!
wake up, little boy blue:
we're depending on you.
play the blues for those cows till they drop.
"
"define aether or ether. though either
is ""solvent"" or ""gas,"" einstein's ""neither
in physics 'fills space'""
lets the adjective case
of aethereal mean ""ghostly, but lither.""
"
"eastern grey squirrel wedges a nut
in the rough, shaggy, fissure-filled crut
of a blackjack oak's bark.
squirrel leaps through the park
eating nuts that were stuck in a rut.
"
"along lake artemesia, one june
sultry sunday in late afternoon,
furry beavers swam up
and bit blossoms to sup,
from the shallows nymphaea festoon.
"
"in jan's suitcase, tucked into a sock,
a slate blue chiastolite rock
(eight pounds!) made security
x-ray its purity:
cross stone tubes gave them a shock!
"
"""listen, kids!"" called the man in the moon.
""you'll stay warmer, my dears, if you spoon.
touch her nape with your nose
in contiguous pose
front-to-back:  get adjoinant, and soon!""
"
"a prime coat turns gunmetal blue.
bluestone-lime coats keep curses from you.
dr. seuss's bright blues
teach kids words they can use.
hey! a bluecoat protects. (but you knew.)
"
"the first saturday morning in may,
churchill downs hosts its grand derby day.
while the rich sip mint juleps,
the tall cottage tulips
bloom bright in a color display.
"
"can't use milk from an animal source,
like what comes from a cow, goat, or horse?
plant conglutins make nice milk;
soy, almond, and rice milk
have plants as their sources, of course.
"
"living fauna, corallum is red.
coral reefs pile up skeletal dead:
single corallite polyp
that's dead, or a wallop
of compound corallum, instead.
"
"amphitheatral was the design
of the hall from its floor to tier nine.
it was easy to hear
scott and sandra that year:
mock-trial arguments buffed to a shine.
"
"carol june, m.s., janis, j.d.
shared our summer commencement day glee:
sisters, husbands, kids, mom
watched us strut with aplomb,
sans regalia, sipping high tea.
"
"i'm a bastard named limeraiku.
my dad's say: ""prose ok.""?what to do
when my unwed mom whines,
""it's not hard. rhyme five lines!""?
yes, i'm vile. look away! you looked! boo!
"
"codariocalyx motorius
is a tropical shrub whose laborious
side leaflets' work
is to waggle and jerk
sending semaphore sunward.  how glorious!
"
"noble xenon, a stranger, alas,
once gave element hook-ups a pass.
but fluorine's bold chemism
triggered his mnemism:
in pyrex they bond, gas-to-gas.
"
"asafetida's smell is obscene,
as a drug, it makes spasms less keen;
though its odor's not nice,
it is used as a spice,
spiking african-asian cuisine.
"
"i assoil you: you're free, do no time;
you're pardoned, it's not on your dime.
you're acquitted, released,
the state's action has ceased:
""i pronounce you not guilty of crime.""
"
"the rainforest's thick leafy growth
hosts two treble-toed ais, and both
(poster creatures for sloth)
will agree to betroth
if they wake up in time for the oath.
"
"bacille calmette-gu?rin (bcg),
a vaccine, protects kids from tb.
bovine mycobacterium
sets up cell's mysterium:
when altered, immune to a t.
"
"on the ground, it's a leaflitter crasher,
but when singing from trees, a rehasher
of other birds' songs;
for more improv it longs.
it's toxostoma rufum, brown thrasher.
"
"like a dog that is starving, she'll swallow
a plateful, then others will follow.
cynorexia stops
her satiety cops.
has she one leg, or two, that is hollow?
"
"neurologically speaking, my wiring
is off, uncontrollably firing.
with sharp spasms, my choreo-
athetosis ""crushed oreo-
like"" nerves make slow writhing most tiring.
"
"need some brooms?  braid some broom grass that's tall,
growing two to three meters in all:
thysanchaena?oriental,
andropogon?occidental,
""gaping tassels,"" ""men's beards in a ball.""
"
"cyclohexanol phthalate can soften
the hardest of plastics, but often
its ultimate ending
becomes gender-bending
as boys become baffled by boffin'.
"
"politicians and businessmen must
avoid graft, purchased favors, and lust
for all manner of crookery;
the chef-worthy cookery
of bank books abuses our trust.
"
"in adult diabetes (type ii),
where your blood sugar's often askew,
since your islets don't heed
all your insulin need,
some chlorpropamide might work for you.
"
"whether family's present or not,
an arlington lady they've got,
with a notecard condoling,
on hand for consoling.
hear ""taps"" at a serviceman's plot.
"
"said robiquet's colleague vauquelin,
""don't wash that asparagus pan!
amino withal
is an acid; we'll call
it asparagine."" so it began.
"
"aramaean tongue's called aramaic,
though in everyday speech it's archaic;
using words christ would say,
baghdad christians still pray
during bomb-blasts unparadisaic.
"
"in a butter dish, covered clear glass
holds a stick of sweet butter.  alas,
as it softens, gets spreadable,
butter, more edible,
loses its visible mass.
"
"you borrowed a thousand and two.
now your bill needs remittance:  it's due.
and to whom shall you pay
this large debt right away?
tend to me, your debtee?that is who!
"
"i'm still open to options; i'm free
as a bird; i live singly with glee.
i've no kids (that i know of),
so smugly i crow of
my bachelor status?whoopee!
"
"andrews rest stop, on u.s. 19,
features daylilies, best that i've seen:
orange, pink, yellow, mauve;
they make hillbillies suave
and fringe picnic and parking spots green.
"
"daisy, pedal our bike built for two
and i'll pedal in tandem with you.
see that nest?  fuzzy down
covers chicks, tail to crown:
dasypaedal birds' fluffy debut.
"
"though a century long, beauty's sleep
in a fairy tale's dark castle keep
has no ugly effect.
does her body detect
that her beauty sleep's more than skin deep?
"
"hallowe'en, at my door, a monstrosity
loomed with a fiendish ferocity.
as gusting winds grew
the monster's hair flew
into windrows of crimson crinosity.
"
"in saint louis, a conicoid waffle,
folded cone-like by hamwi, felt awful:
""other waffles conoidal
salve ailments lymphoidal
with ice cream, while i hold falafel!""
"
"ferrous phosphate in soil has been found
to be highly insoluble, bound.
pigeon pea's (young, not fracid)
piscidic root acid
lets phosphate move into the ground.
"
"all the sculpins of fish genus cottus
have spines that can stick in your glottis.
with crustaceal ruck,
they lurk in the muck
under lakes, streams, and wetlands, but not us.
"
"in my larynx, two rana reside.
appellations for both i've applied:
alto ""ranya,"" bass ""ron.""
now my voice, nearly gone,
croaks with batrachoid mucus inside.
"
"communicability's ease
in transmitting ideas, disease,
or emotions to others,
so?given my druthers?
don't e-mail pertussis germs, please.
"
"colporrhaphy sutures assaults
made by trauma to vaginal vaults,
inner walls, and introitus
by labor and coitus
and mends some congenital faults.
"
"""when some circles, concentric (same center),
are drawn, any number many enter.
an infinite lot
find, as center, one spot,
as you'll note in my trumpets,"" says stentor.
"
"at the office, the air, no sweet breeze
but a dust-laden mess, made me wheeze
till i got emphysema.
but aglaonema
leaves cleaned it:  i now breathe with ease.
"
"conscientious objectors won't fight.
in a military draft, their sole right
is to never bear arms.
amid fear-fueled alarms,
""no, we won't study war,"" they recite.
"
"(freeze) loose granular corn snow lacks (t-h-a-w)
(freeze)(t-h-a-w) points on its crystals, a flaw
caused by alternate freeze/t-h-a-w,
a temperature seesaw:
(freeze) pellets (t-h-a-w) fill me with awe!
"
"this broad-spectrum insecticide's brisk
in its slaughter of bugs, but can whisk
up your nostrils to cross
to your brain with its dross:
use chlorpyrifos?neurons you'll risk.
"
"on each side of its jaw is a plenum
from which exudes crotalid venom.
so, when hiking, take care
to don viper-proof wear:
heavy boots, gloves, and pants made of denim.
"
"the extensive salt marshes of glynn
harbor clapper rails skulking within.
poet sidney lanier
wrote of marsh-hen nests here
and god's greatness to rallus and kin.
"
"common nighthawks that sit along wires,
small chordeiles ""buzz-beezh"" their desires
as they gape and they gulp
and grind insects to pulp:
minor notes played at twilight on lyres.
"
"thick rhizomes grow deep in wet clay;
lanky herb-stems emerge; blooms array.
every stamen is trapped
in brown paper.  unwrapped,
it's burnet, a white bottlebrush spray.
"
"sanguisorba, the herb called burnet,
is a styptic, and many forget
that in fens it can suck
pcbs from the muck:
plant this flower without a regret.
"
"both the tribe-prince of judah and spy,
dogged caleb would never say ""die.""
while the other ten jeered,
he and joshua cheered,
""we can certainly win if we try!""
"
"little camelid, ?c?mo se llama?
wee guanaco, o where is your mama?
small alpaca sleeps oft.
young vicu?a, so soft!
you are crias (vicugna and lama).
"
"said geologist richard c. erd,
""for each mineral, use the right word!""
a new copper-red rock
(moh's scale hardness: like chalk)
was named erdite for erd, i have heard.
"
"the biologist's hood has been gnawn;
by small teeth its gold satin was sawn.
could it be a mistake,
feeding mice to a snake?
did a rodent's revenge wreak this chawn?
"
"young miss muffet, who clerked at the hyatt,
grew svelte on a cottage cheese diet.
a large garden spider
yelled, ""yick, it's not cider!""
""don't knock it,"" said she, ""till you try it.""
"
"for thickening liquids, most prize
fine flours of oats, wheats, and ryes.
if your gut vetoes gluten,
just use arrowroot in
your sauces, your puddings, your pies.
"
"babe-to-be, how we're longing to handle you!
your sweet little self, we shall dandle you
on grandparents' laps,
snuggled down for your naps,
or half-blowing your first birthday candle:  hyoo!
"
"when my drink is too scorching, some cream
from the cream pitcher counters its steam.
if not cream, perhaps milk
or some dairy-like silk
can be part of this not-so-hot team.
"
"""left thumb's one...index finger comes then...
and my right pinkie finger is ten.""
folks who do dactylonomy
add with economy
(cheaper than paper and pen).
"
"when milk has been soured or cured
(whether dairy or soybean), ensured
is its change into lumps
as its protein forms clumps:
then consider, a moment, the curd.
"
"every spring, when the soil is still chilly,
convallaria?also called lily
of the valley?stems bend
over bell-blooms; each end
is a rim that is fragrant and frilly.
"
"curvicostate, re: ribs, means they're bent
like the frame in my new pop-up tent,
an umbrella's wire arches,
curved midribs of larches,
or superman's chest (n? clark kent).
"
"""oh, thith toathter ith jammed!"" as i lithp,
lipth and teeth legume-glued, there'th a withp
of white thmoke!  i grab, jarring
bread?blackened?and charring
four fingerth, all burnt to a crithp.
"
"a poinsettia's ""petals,"" in fact,
are some ladle-like leaves; in each bract
some male flowers abide
with their female beside:
it's cyathium's sheltering act.
"
"on each crotalus tail, castanets
send a dry, rattling warning that lets
those who tread near this snake
find a new path to take
from its newfangled venomous jets.
"
"acanthi are famed, for a leaf
that's a classical sculpture motif.
these mauve and white bloomers
(according to rumors)
look great as a teddy bear brief.
"
"the conciator measures and weighs
all the ashes and sand for each glaze
and salts them precisely.
he melts the mess nicely
then works it and tempers its craze.
"
"i was raised by a french-kissing dog.
all my spit-ups and pukes he would snog.
self-defense was dentiloquy:
teeth-clenched soliloquy
(updates each day on my blog).
"
"harvard sophomore scholars?rejoice!
ann yale's deturs return her stilled voice.
edward hopkins' largesse
lauds scholastic success:
each is given a book of his choice.
"
"archegonium shields its egg's space:
through its fluid, the antherozoids race;
the one who gets in
will certainly win
this year's trophy for liverwort ace.
"
"on the adventist meeting agenda:
fundamental beliefs or credenda?
 when will jesus return?
  what do prophets discern?
  also, several credal addenda.
"
"from their hay bales with lingering grass scent,
to alfalfa that alice the ass sent,
the farm creatures munch
on their midwinter lunch:
hungry livestock are eating (depascent).
"
"on good friday, the tenebrae light
is snuffed out, flame by flame.  shadows fight
the one light that holds vigil
till christ bursts the sigil,
for easter detenebrates night.
"
"a tree grows in brooklyn, like kids
unwanted, it's wild, off the grids.
ailanthus sucks air,
and cleans it with care,
from ozone park, ozone it rids.
"
"the aquifers under our home
beneath filtering trees, grass, and loam,
amid layers of clay
are a tri-tiered array
of groundwater, cached in a dome.
"
"m&m's:  round milk chocolate lands
on conveyors and quickly expands
with crisp coating that's stickable?
sweets, less colliquable,
melt in my mouth, not my hands.
"
"from their valley the coal miners roam,
pennsylvania's vast coal seams to comb.
but by singing cwm rhondda,
the welshmen will don the
great guidance of god, far from home.
"
"active layer:  an egg-making hen?
yes, but also, the source of a fen.
arctic permafrost forms.
when, top down, the ground warms,
plants can grow in this bog once again.
"
"my birch tree is missing, and, dammit!
some beaver has managed to cram it
into stillwater creek.
see, he's stemming a leak
with more branches to span and enjamb it.
"
"feral cattle of chirikof island,
kin to angus and hereford and highland,
thrive in cold, munch salt hay
all the midnight sun day
off alaska?it's more or less dry land.
"
"once, asbestos was strands you could pluck:
silky chrysotile, heaped in a ruck.
now this serpentine stone
is forlorn, all alone.
if you breathe it, your lung's out of luck.
"
"whooper, black, black-necked, mute, tundra (spawn
of two species), and trumpeter swan
look like cursive-style q
or the numeral 2:
swimming cygnus that graze on my lawn.
"
"on the old woodrow wilson bridge rubble
shipped down to point lookout, a bubble
of oyster spat hulches;
this reef-to-be culch is
recycling that's well worth the trouble.
"
"from his birth, hairy samson eschewed
barber's razors and drinks that were brewed.
while acersecomic,
his strength stayed technomic:
ass jawbone his weapon most shrewd.
"
"may a redolence, chiefly of claries,
for clear eyesight and temper that varies
but little with age,
lend its scent?nutty, sage?
to the woman my only son marries.
"
"she's as limp as a dishrag and damp,
for it's humid and hot; there's a cramp
in her side that has seized
like a dishrag that's squeezed.
heat exhaustion has scrubbed her, our champ.
"
"?r2? not in boston, they're not:
pies are butter or spongecakes! a clot
of thick custard spread thin
mends their disks, split within.
gooey chocolate glaze tops the lot.
"
"an edict, an order, diktat,
is a stern proclamation on that
which the mighty decide
and their subjects abide:
no discussion expected, no chat.
"
"are her kidneys shut down or off kilter?
semipermeable membranes will filter
her blood of large gunk
and the rest of its junk
with dialysate fluids?de-silt her.
"
"he's assaulted our witness!  let's pray
she will make it to trial; that way
his defense can weigh in.
we'll, outflanking his sin,
de bene esse, depose her today.
"
"the oil paintings started to dry
as a vandal smelled fumes and stopped by.
stinky turpentine taint
meant he stripped off some paint
to deturpate the art.  ugly guy!
"
"shake our dirt from your feet? leave today!
wear your traveling shoes?do not stay!
wave goodbye to your friends,
for your sojourn here ends.
we dister you; we drive you away.
"
"sandra's radiant.  soon she'll be mater,
for her belly grows greater and greater.
essie's granddaughter's pregnant!
de bene esse, queen regnant,
she gathers gifts meant for use later.
"
"in the back of high dunes and between
is a tract that the breezes sweep clean.
sometimes trespassed by lovers,
this playground for plovers
is seaside and sandy, a dene.
"
"they were friends?trudy, judy, and rudy?
till he called the girls ""proper and prudey""
and each landed a punch
on his nose.  it went ""crunch.""
not a gentleman,  rudy was crudy...
"
"climbing bittersweet twines around trees;
scarlet berries divided in threes
flaunt their arils of gold.
for thanksgivings most bold,
cornucopia's spangled with these.
"
"when folks die, what occurs when they're gone?
transmigration of souls on and on?
moves to heaven or hell?
naps in dust at death's knell?
or is deadlihood merely a con?
"
"surface water in filthy condition
swirls down cobblestones, bent on commission
to the acid fen flora
(pollutants' gomorrah),
their specialty: decomposition.
"
"i like crispated lettuce.  my pledge is,
i will never serve smooth iceberg wedges,
but a crispate array
of bright greens that display
curly, wavy, or deeply notched edges.
"
"women headed to market or church,
none let winds leave their locks in a lurch.
nae!  the sight to be seen
in downtown aberdeen
was a well-knotted kerchief, a curch.
"
"""what is biogeographical, clyde?""
""it's what different landscapes provide
to keep life forms alive,
help them prosper and thrive
in each place that biota abide.""
"
"my flu's on the wane?decrudescence?
and my fever has cooled?defervescence?
for my temperature's down
and my sweat's soaked my gown.
now i have to get well?convalescence.
"
"light green leaves, tightly packed in a head,
can stay ""crisp as an iceberg,"" it's said.
wilted greens are invalid
for summertime salad:
choose cool crisphead lettuce, instead.
"
"back in chaucer's time, rides were the craze when
each aprille the sun sent forth rays, when
in winter-dimmed eyes,
such bright glaring gave rise
to two dozen dazed pilgrims gone daswen.
"
"common duiker, whose name means ""to duck""
or ""to dive,"" a half-meter tall buck
called impoon (afrikaans)
and deloo in sudan's
thorny scrub, lurks in antelope ruck.
"
"i read ""dish elm"" and ""bright, bloody red,""
and thought, ""let's carve a platter for bread!""
but who knew elm wood shrinks?
and who knew elm wood stinks?
or dishelm means ""exposing the head?""
"
"in each carbon dioxide are two
tiny atoms of oxygen. view
this array as a row:
one part c, two parts o,
held together with double-bond glue.
"
"my sister, an x-ray technician,
for her baking deserves recognition
as a goddess, a deess;
your rugalach, e.s.,
earns worship for taste and nutrition!
"
"silken diaphane's woven with lots
of transparent or colorful spots
amid diaper work,
but its rhomboid weave's  [smirk]
not that messy job, cleaning up tots.
"
"the cruciferous vegetables mingle
a sulfurous tongue-teasing tingle
in collards, kohlrabi,
kale, turnips, wasabi,
cress, mustard, tatsoi,
cabbage, napa, bok choy,
broccolini, mizuna,
and rabe, komatsuna:
a nutrient-fiber-filled jingle.
"
"a tamale-mad miller named muller
pulled port from his post as a huller
to sort the corn's shucks.
puled poor port, ""this job sucks!""
mumbled muller, ""my culler's off-color.""
"
"i've craved salads for supper since dawn,
but not teaspoons of chicken upon
shredded lettuce, a bed
nigh as high as my head.
this strange supper is over.  i'm gone.
"
"""we're both seventy-plus: let us bed.""
""i've been widowed four times: let us wed.""
""don't go making it five ?
let's be glad we're alive.
we can go out to dinner instead.""
"
"""new york yankees, at home in the bronx,
are the world series winners!""  he cronks
gladsome news?delirifacient?
to his taxi; impatient,
he swerves in his frenzy and honks.
"
"at most sewer plants, here's what we're finding:
tiny food bits get polymer binding,
then are burned.  our proposal:
use compost disposal
for food waste; avoid in-sink grinding.
"
"uncle fred: ""i bet money on stone
and i cornered the market...alone.
so don't act like you're deaf?you
get nothing, dear nephew.""
his cornerstone: stoning your own.
"
"to repair a botched graft, a misprision,
the surgeon contrived a revision,
then checked the scar's flexion
to guide its dissection,
and slit an incised split discission.
"
"if placenta and womb pull apart,
abruptio placentae can start:
poor oxygenation
in third term gestation
drops fetal o2 off the chart.
"
"silken ao dai sheaths flutter with pride
over trousers worn street-length and wide.
ho chi minh had them banned.
now they grace this whole land.
vietnam shows its feminine side.
"
"what's this element resting-state dorm?
diatomic molecular form.
so read n2 for nitrogen's,
h2 for hydrogen's,
o2 for oxygen's norm.
"
"the brown creeper's thin, downward-curved bill
is its probe to snag spiders that mill
under bark of the trees;
up it spirals, with ease,
then flies down, with a whistle-like trill.
"
"once, all carrots were purple in hue
(anthocyanin-dyed) when they grew
in afghanistan's fields.
added carotene yields
orange carrots and yellow ones, too.
"
"called diospyros, ""foodstuff of jove,""
it's a fruit tree, of dyestuff a trove;
young persimmons we mashed,
pulp in cotton we cached
from which no-sweat sweats fabric we wove.
"
"once a pocketbook (held in the coat)
or a basket or purse folks would tote,
there was plenty of room in all
forms of the crumenal,
a handbag for times more remote.
"
"in this blizzard that nature bestowed,
my house, yard, and car are besnowed;
they are blanketed white,
almost hidden from sight
beneath water in fluffy flake mode.
"
"little pillows of puffy fried dough,
glazed or powdered with sweets, do you know
that your jelly-filled guts
make me totally nuts?
never leave me, dear doughnuts!  don't go!
"
"the oedilf has achieved eminentia
through its thousands of definientia
set in limerick form;
definienda (words) swarm
in bold pixels:  leave none in absentia!
"
"our black mulberry tree, every may,
hosts a riot of robins at play.
there they nest, lay eggs, chirp,
ripened berries decerp,
and gulp fruit that's decerpt, plucked away.
"
"mom and dad, please accept my dignation,
for i honor your acts of formation
from my first day till now:
you're great parents!  and how!
awesome worthiness needs celebration.
"
"a creationist posits the cause
of all life that on earth ever was
must be god, because life
begets life; now it's rife
and complies with its prime mover's laws.
"
"""we've found dhmo in the seas.
all that coffee you drank, and cooked peas,
had dihydromonoxide!""
then, when this news shocks, i'd
yell, ""h2o!  april fools' tease!""
"
"unobtrusive am i and discreet;
not one confidence will i repeat.
i will use words with tact,
show respect with each act;
with restraint my whole being's replete.
"
"at airport departures near marion,
the vultures scorned messages clarion:
""all raptors must check
gory road kill, each fleck.""
""it's not baggage we carry, it's carrion.""
"
"it's a simple song sung to my kitty
when i croon that she's cuddly and pretty.
as i'm singing to her,
she ceases to purr,
and meows in duet with my ditty.
"
"some arsenic?as?can kill you.
in similes, as might enthrill you.
and samoa, the isles
of american smiles
(code as), will refresh and bestill you.
"
"near our mailbox, cream violets thrust
heart-shaped leaves through our sidewalk's cracked crust,
for viola striata
must bloom?yes, it's gotta!?
pale purple-striped blossoms, or bust.
"
"decumaria barbara twines
up our warrington, florida pines.
so, in june, when your spec. you marry,
be wed beneath decumary:
fragrant hydrangea vines.
"
"i am landed!  this odd clod of earth
is a bit of the place of my birth,
and its grassed edges curve
round the top of this turve:
i'll replace my small divot, with mirth.
"
"thick-billed birds that are black to their toes
are a challenge!  a field birder knows
that each species she saw
has its own special ""caw"":
the diverse crocitation of crows.
"
"what were cameron's camera's charms?
shots of autopsies, world war ii's harms.
his technique hit its peak
when his troop took a leak
out the windows, presenting...not arms.
"
"""i love you,"" in welts on his back,
shows his mast cells at work (there's no lack).
dermatographism's made
with a line lightly laid
by a finger's or blunt object's track.
"
"""monadnocks and geysers and chasms,""
the diluvialist posits, ""show spasms
of massive hydrology
wreaked on geology,
not drip-drip-dripping its plasms.""
"
"when amara awoke, her cat jinx
sat atop her, an aspirant sphinx
tickling black whisker tips,
puffing air past her lips,
and she gasped, ""rescue breathing sure stinks!""
"
"using number 2 needles, eileen
knitted dishcloths of lilac and green
cotton string?just the thing
to give kitchen chores zing,
and to scrub all her kitchenware clean.
"
"after chopping up food on a board,
use a luffa, a dried dishcloth gourd,
to remove the debris.
this soft dishrag should be
washed and rinsed, fully air-dried, then stored.
"
"boston harbor is subject to breezes
that worsen in weather that freezes.
it took sixty screw sets
to fix massachusetts
against anti-billboard reprises.
"
"""the nobel prize for peace"" [news alert]
""is awarded for speeches disert
and demanding no drama.
its winner's obama.
his eloquence:  calm, yet overt.""
"
"two commas who long longed to mate,
but were parted by grammar and fate,
ascertained their big break:
that a typist's mistake
would accommodate a,,comma date.
"
"twice as high as the width of the way,
lofty reeds line the boardwalk all?e;
splintered, silvery board
has this shoreline path floored
beside sandy point, chesapeake bay.
"
"at his last seder meal, jesus thirled
his disciples with rites he unfurled:
""drink this wine; eat this bread.""
soon communion dispread.
now remembrance of christ fills the world.
"
"this native american group
once rode to a siouan war whoop:
assiniboins cook
in the lee of chinook
by dropping hot stones in the soup.
"
"the asclepiad butterfly feeds
on asclepiad flowery weeds;
with asclepiad verse,
which is ancient and terse,
asclepiades penned passion's needs.
"
"is it writ in the scriptures or not?
kindly show us its biblical spot.
this ruling you proffer us
would seem adiaphorous:
use that fine conscience you've got.
"
"ira aldridge, black actor, played europe.
two near-birmingham towns, brown as syrup,
formed a ""cross-the-pond"" nexus.
doug aldridge of texas
spurs his horse with a limerick stirrup.
"
"dish-shaped faces are marks of the owls
and afford them the open-gazed scowls
that improve their keen sight
and refocus dusk's light
on the soon-to-be prey of their prowls.
"
"acaridae, family whose mites
have eight tiny legs but big bites,
infests hives of bees
or cornmeal, dried peas.
some bit me; i scratched twenty nights!
"
"the tot kicked and screamed, was afeard
of santa's enormous white beard.
santa said, ""i'm your dad?
don't be scared, don't be sad.""
but the toddler cried, ""daddy, you're weird!""
"
"in the twilight, he started to pray
for more daytime to finish a fray:
""sun o'er gibeon, stall!
moon o'er ajalon, crawl!""
captain joshua's prayer saved the day.
"
"my home's tiny, affecting a messy air,
on one-tenth of a manicured, dressy are,
or a dozen square yards;
built with quarry discards,
my pied-?-terre's merely a deciare.
"
"the king's chamberlain, noble ahishar,
books solomon's bedchamber:  kishar,
makeda, na'amah,
sweet shulamit, amah.
for the king's every tryst, he's the huisher.
"
"i'm replastering walls at my loft
to de-peter where peter had coughed.
for a depeter finish,
smooth pebbles i'll minish
to press into plaster that's soft.
"
"ma'am, i'm sorry...your baby's a wreck.
i can't help him with high or low tech.
derencephalocele
means he can't breathe or feel,
for his brain has squeezed out though his neck.
"
"ari, democrat, too young to vote,
shoulders tasks that are far from remote:
registration, free rides
to the polls, voter guides.
when obama's sworn in, go on?gloat!
"
"scott and sandra's new pup (starter child)
is a cockapoo. mattingly's wild
in his leaps through the air,
wavy apricot hair,
and the way that he's got us beguiled.
"
"rod blagojevich caused much hysteria
when his ""pay for play"" office, dataria,
sold illinois perks
to a series of jerks:
contributions they marked ""honoraria.""
"
"long ago, when new england was new,
and a man sought a damsel to woo,
he would call her his dowsabel.
what?  no, not how's a belle
drenchable!  sweetheart, that's who!
"
"in this land of obey-when-in-schoolers,
and the measure-the-depth-of-our-poolers,
every meekly volitionary
subject, or ditionary,
is ""one who pays tribute to rulers.""
"
"fragile aggregate fruit of a bramble
are not formed as a randomized gamble.
each is drupelets made up
in the shape of a cup.
for these sweet summer berries, i scramble.
"
"it's the dog days and pundits uncivil
spew verbiage blastings of drivel.
muggy minds express cant
at the tempo of rant
sent through mouths set in heat-imposed snivel.
"
"what rare colors did army types grab
from the muddy gray shades at their lab?
not pastels, nothing light,
nothing vivid or bright?
they were khaki- or olive-dyed drab.
"
"cherimoya fruits grow in peru
and ates flavor drinks in cebu.
if, perchance, their trees meet
you will soon get to eat
atemoya's sweet custardy goo.
"
"our house lot, whose steep land gradation
was once part of a soil-worn plantation,
had some maples around.
coafforesting ground,
we've created a ""dense woods"" sensation.
"
"from the cider mills, westward he raced.
johnny chapman saved appleseed waste:
apple, pear, quince, and medlar.
as chapman, this peddler
made apples america's taste.
"
"when in fruit you are willing to snoop
to find out its botanical group,
if you find a hard pit
in the middle of it,
then that fruit is considered a drupe.
"
"ten days straight heated ninety or higher
with humidity wetter, not dryer,
make these dogdays oppressive
and tempers aggressive
as people?and dogs?yield to ire.
"
"there's ellagic (reverse spelled of galle)
antioxidant acid in all
red and purple-hued berries,
pomegranates, tart cherries,
pecans, walnuts, grapes?have a ball!
"
"at the library desk, i asked, ""please,
tell me, what is a church?"" ""an eccles-
iologist knows.
it's his work to propose
what a church is; it's his expertise.""
"
"a benevolent guy (who's my boss)
urges us to give eleemos-
ynary-type alms
to fill all upturned palms.
then he matches donations (his loss!).
"
"hungry coragyps atratus stoop
in a maple tree, making it droop.
they seek newborns to eat
for a christmastide treat;
these black vultures, then, herod-like, swoop.
"
"i'm diotrephes, ""cherished by zeus,""
with his mystery knowledge for use.
old apostle's pass??
send his kind far away!
""god is love"" is a flimsy excuse.
"
"once saint paul shaved his head when a vow
was fulfilled (though we never knew how)
while at cenchrea's port;
it's an isthmus resort
close to corinth in greece, even now.
"
"god said, ""paul, do not preach in bithynia
or asia"" (the haunt of the prinia).
""macedonia's throng
needs my gospel?be strong:
this is god, not just oneirodynia.""
"
"""isaiah's too hard,"" eunuch snorted.
""climb in, phil ? explain,"" he exhorted.
in a transport of glee,
cried the tutee, ""i see!""
tutor phil to azotus transported.
"
"winter whirlwinds whipped sails into strips.
paul's apostleship smashed up like chips.
shattered ship timbers bore
every person to shore,
interrupting the last of paul's trips.
"
"nicknamed didymus, thomas the twin
saw his lord, resurrected, stroll in,
and his didymi tightened.
""thom, do not be frightened:
probe didymous wounds in my skin.""
"
"jacob's daughter by leah was dinah.
to shechem, no girl could be finer,
so they coupled.  solution:
her clan's retribution?
her brothers smashed shechem like china.
"
"they've been killed for their pelts, and methinks
abject animal cruelty stinks!
but consider this worrier:
with god the first furrier,
shouldn't all of his children wear minks?
"
"what breath control god must have used
when he molded a man, then infused
the clay body with space
wherein life could take place:
look, man's breathing!  now adam's enthused.			
"
"though the animals marched to the ark
before rainclouds could turn the sky dark,
just eight people would vote
to catch rides on that boat
and these humans would archonts debark.
"
"""his cholesterol!  quail eggs are out!""
bride keturah screamed, ""scribe, make it shout
'no coturnix coturnix!'
edge ketubah with vernix,
the fleshpots of egypt to flout.""
"
"what was bdellium (read:  del-yum) of yore?
were its ""pieces"" pearls, perfume, or ore
from the pison savanna,
and colored like manna,
whose meaning is ""what is this hoar?""
"
"crystal sugar cane juice (called alphenic,
by physicians from schools avicennic)
was prescribed to allay
stubborn hiccoughs, which prey
on the diaphragm's nerve we call phrenic.
"
"covered, close-woven reed basket daubed
with bituminous dysodile bobbed
at the edge of the nile
amid bulrushes while,
in its fetor, a baby boy sobbed.
"
"ancient egypt was smitten when frogs,
once nilotic, came swarming from bogs.
when ruled by zenobia,
did batrachophobia
clog egypt with dying frog gogs?
"
"greenbelt park is surrounded, can't hide;
ways to limit road run-off are tried.
traffic flows circumjacent
to parkland which, nascent,
had farmland along every side.
"
"our passion is god and his love,
our purpose: good comes from above.
our principle's golden.
persevere through prayer: bolden
priority?god's hand in our glove.
"
"the black mustard seed looks rather small,
but its plant grows to four meters tall.
through its internal pipe
this tall brassica hyp-
eraccumulates lead in its thrall.
"
"revelation, apoca-doom-lyptic,
tells the end of the world in ecliptic,
symbolic detail.
but the good will prevail.
so?how strange?revelation is cryptic.
"
"in ekron, the lord of the flies
(called ba'alzebub) worship site lies.
""hamstrung accaron's uprooted,
its exact spot disputed,""
the ark, once held hostage there, cries.
"
"golden goblets from grandfather's trunk
served his feast; king belshazzar was drunk.
when a hand wrote a message
on the wall, it would presage,
""your kingdom and you, sire, are sunk!""
"
"""the book of the law that you found,""
noted prophetess chuldah, ""has bound
you to quickly obey.
in its weasel-like way,
time is gliding; your future's unsound.""
"
"king of syria knows he's been bested.
dothan's sieged!  is elisha arrested?
""lord, please open his eyes.""
to the servant's surprise,
all around them is angel-infested.
"
"mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, knees to knees,
thus eliy'sha blew slow, steady breeze.
his repeated adpress
might seem futile excess,
but the boy woke with sneeze after sneeze.
"
"at the date palm of deborah thrive
wisdom, prophecy, judgment, as live
swarms of honeybees bunk
in its honeycombed trunk:
justice, gavel-less under a hive.
"
"a sentry, imbibling strong rye,
cast an eye on auld ai frae his skye.
he was sure macnun shot
him; and falling, he thought:
""ai-yai-yai, i'll eye ai; ay, for aye...""
"
"not a japanese radish, no daikon,
nor a waterside dike path to bike on,
is a dykon.  no way!
she is famous and gay,
just like ellen, a lesbian icon.
"
"agrostology taxa abound;
not all grasses are jointed, i've found.
if they're smooth, but have edges,
those edges mean sedges,
while reed stems, cut crosswise, are round.
"
"acridotheres, once sun has risen,
perch on wires near the everglades prison.
and their favorite gimmick:
they perfectly mimic
police till their myna throats gizzen.
"
"concentration we measured in class.
our sad classmate (insolvent, alas)
tested one-tenth of normal:
decinormal (more formal).
can this chemistry student still pass?
"
"on inventing the very first plastic,
leo baekeland had dreams onomastic?
his own name he bestowed?
but his flemish roots showed:
it's called bak/e/lite, trisyllablastic.
"
"if a flower could take college form,
an androecium would be its men's dorm.
pollination of flowers
would earn credit hours,
with labs in its pistil the norm.
"
"the mandelbrot set was derived ?
in its complex quadratic-contrived
polynomial form ?
to repeat as a norm:
with self-similar fractals revived.
"
"mankind's civilizations all fan
common cultural forms for our clan.
we have fears: ""who are we ?
minds, machines, dreams ? all three?
did some natural law plot this plan?""
"
"age of reason in rhythm and rhyme ?
thomas paine would enrage (in a prime
work polemic) some theists,
whilst supporting some deists ?
from ridiculous to the sublime?
"
"""bless our babies,"" in song sandra pled.
pastor prayed in the two cousins' stead
as the church people knelt.
colin, camron each felt
gentle babylon's hands on his head.
"
"rachel sandwiches centered cee's plate
amid mounds of egg salad so great
that filled cee with delight.
it took hours that night
to deliciate in deli she ate.
"
"sandra's doctoral studies are ending.
disquisitionary writing is pending.
her years to enquire
are soon to expire.
re-revisions are all she is tending.
"
"before flying d.c. to l.a.,
i got multiple pat-downs today
on my overlong pelvis.
""hey, guys, i'm not elvis!
i'm dolichopellic, okay?""
"
"yeah, i dive down for fish i can grab quick.
hi, my name's little grebe!  watch me ab flick
this powder puff butt
that we studly grebes strut.
just don't call me that sissy name, dabchick.
"
"here in norwalk, the maple tree flings
aceraceae seeds' golden wings;
the home of the hour
bursts forth into flower
and dangles samaras on strings.
"
"silk's (or blended silk's)  lengthwise-set crinkles
are a foil for my eyes and their twinkles.
cr?pe is flimsy, but cr?pon
is firmer in drape on
my dignified form and its wrinkles.
"
"my astragal (anklebone) shattered.
door's astragal (weatherstrip) clattered.
herbal astragal tamped.
ringlike astragal  clamped.
use of astragal (gliding joint)'s scattered.
"
"i was wont to want cigarette smoke
warming deep in my chest. now i choke
on the thought. i have quit!
i diswont me from it!
breathing untainted air is no joke.
"
"though dodecasyllabic describes
words with twelve discrete syllables, bribes
may have made someone cozen
and halve its full dozen
(do-dec-a-syl-lab-ic): six jibes.
"
"ethiopian highlands enclose
stands of africa's only wild rose;
called rosa abyssinica,
its fragrance edenic, a
shrub seven metres tall grows.
"
"my feet swelled from the moment i woke,
so i bathed them; their epsom salt soak
of mgso4
that the warm water bore
eased distress.   swollen feet are no joke.
"
"christ (from christos in greek) means ""anointed""
(like mashiyach in hebrew), appointed
""to save"" people from sin:
so yeshuwa stepped in,
and the chokehold of death was arointed.
"
"oh, these egriot cherries are sour!
i have pitted them, more than an hour,
and inside the spaces
of prunus cerasus
put sugar, and butter, and flour.
"
"the cnidarian sea-nettle fends
like a hot pepper jelly; it sends
its nematocysts, cnidae,
to burn nerves inside me:
this jellyfish stings at its ends.
"
"when dennstaedtia ferns seek the sun,
their whole colony turns as though one.
ultralacy ferns' ups
are protected by cups
around sori, so teams are begun.
"
"when albula (or bonefish) scales shimmer
and a breeze sets the water a-glimmer,
in the mangrove lagoons
they hide out from raccoons
and the equally hungry black skimmer.
"
"ancient misty the dog was in pain.
she stopped eating; her anguish was plain.
at the vet's, on a bed,
triple shots made her dead.
now encindered, her ashes remain.
"
"in my easy-bake oven, i'd make
some delicious, though very small, cake
neath its hundred-watt light.
now it's gone, due to fright
that the health of our planet's at stake.
"
"sultan sharyar slew wives till bold
consort scheherazade broke from his mold.
through arabian nights
tales at cliffhanger heights
for the thousand and one nights she told.
"
"""his dad sat there, stone-still, asking, 'why
did my named-for-me boy have to die?
he was broke and depressed;
too much crack did the rest.'
tell me, mom, have you seen a rock cry?""
"
"whales, attending earth's rumbles and shakes,
sang to petrels who danced in their wakes.
petrels wave-danced the news
to those gossips, sea mews,
who warned land creatures, ""run! the sea breaks.""
"
"filled with tablecloths, fresh from the presser,
our black-walnut and marble-topped dresser
carries soup bowls agleam
with black walnut ice cream:
it's our family's nutty de-stresser.
"
"radiologists say your child, dacia,
has congenital craniomalacia.
as your syphilis spread
she grew soft in her head.
we'll give shots to you, both, through your facia.
"
"named for commelijns, caspar and jan,
asiatic blue dayflowers don
rain-soaked soil that they strain
through dense rootlets to drain:
commelina communis?hang on!
"
"through alaria, seaborn winged kelps,
aunt augusta stitched alary phelps
(much like script writ in farsi);
asquat on her tarsi,
she's airborne!  (the magic spell helps.)
"
"sugar, lime zest, and almonds (blanch swart);
baking powder adds rising support.
blend whipped egg whites, then bake;
lime juice soaked in the cake
makes a limeade acidified torte.
"
"they invaded our crabapple tree
in the snowstorm; they gobble with glee.
like huge drosophyllidae,
these birds, bombycillidae,
erupt earfuls of waxwing esprit.
"
"pph, once ayerza's disease,
means its primary purpose is:  seize
pulmonary (lung) tissue;
hypertension's the issue
causing bluish-tinged lips, cough, and wheeze.
"
"so a crocodile steals a man's son,
then asks, ""truth, will returning be done?""
dad says, ""yes,"" but son dies.
dad says ""no,"" but he lies.
crocodility:  crocodile's won.
"
"a small boy in his garden employs
antirrhinums as snapdragon toys.
crimson petal lips pout
till he presses each snout,
and wide open it snaps?joyous noise.
"
"a baxter and baker once wed.
said the baker, ""i'll make all the bread
and my famous d?clairs.""
""i like festive affairs,
so i'll bake all the cakes,"" baxter said.
"
"the financial collapse left a slew
of marinas with shortages new
to once fully staffed yachts.
now such help is ersatz:
they decrew, by three-quarters, the crew.
"
"do you first proof the yeast, watch it swell?
is the flour you add sifted well?
is your glutinous dough
kneaded slowly? oh, ho!
it's a breadmaker! gadgets don't tell.
"
"fragrant shrub that prefers well-drained soil,
whose pinnately lobed leaves retard spoil,
sweet fern's smoke is a smudge
to cleanse spiritual sludge,
through its perfume and anti-itch oil.
"
"why say checker for fully red berries?
in the winter whose leafy green tarries?
in whose oil is the balm
that makes aching knees calm?
kneel!  gaultheria procumbens bow varies.
"
"when chef nathan prepares chiffonade,
he stacks greens, forms a tightly rolled wad,
then cuts ribbon-like strips;
his sharp knife never slips
as he fashions this garnish.  applaud!
"
"near the dumpster, the ring-billed gulls perched
and american crows cawed, then lurched;
for the burger joint's crew
kept the leavings from view:
burgers stapled in bags, none besmirched.
"
"in my kitchen gleams galvanized zinc
and cast iron, enameled in pink.
single basin?not cheap?
fully twelve gallons deep,
it's my newly installed kitchen sink.
"
"every seam is encased, pressed, and creased
on her summer dress, sheer pink batiste.
designed for a goddess,
its prim pin-tucked bodice
tops ten tiers of skirting, at least.
"
"pressures mercury once stretched to see
are aneroid now, fluid-free.
piezoresistance
beats toxin persistence:
they're all labeled mmhg.
"
"i went nightly to hear michael play
at a bistro on seventh and clay.
we shared laughter and wine,
and then later we'd dine.
now it's coffee we share every day.
"
"in his trailer, tucked in for the night,
he awakened in pulsating light.
a large object was high
in the arkansas sky?
""ufo!"" jim bob cried with delight.
"
"i was riding my trike super fast
down the hill; it was really a blast!
but my wheel hit a bump,
i went down with a thump,
got a booboo; my arm's in  a cast.
"
"there's a fund-raising auction tonight.
it's a benefit aiding the plight
of the kids on the street
who have nothing to eat;
heavy bidding would be a delight.
"
"with the grace of a bull, they all pass
through the china shop, shattering glass.
with the breakage in heaps
the proprietor weeps,
while the grannies meander en masse.
"
"the besuited young men all look smart.
pin-stripe clad, who can tell them apart?
wearing ties made of silk,
as do men of their ilk,
their executive dress is an art.
"
"i got bubble gum stuck in my hair.
do not frown!  there's no need for despair.
when that huge bubble popped,
betsy-lou i had topped?
now i'm champ and the bubble gum heir!
"
"on a lovely and clear autumn morn,
robert frost took the road far less worn;
a fair byroad of grass,
where so few chose to pass.
in that moment sweet poetry was born.
"
"if it's small yappy dogs that you shun,
then for you the briard is the one.
he is true yet aloof,
taking little reproof.
he is loyal, but mastered by none.
"
"as children we walked two by two
to the park, at the fair, in the zoo.
we held hands every day
(a fine system, i'd say);
i've a buddy for life?and it's you!
"
"i am breaking my rice bowl, that's it!
i believe my complaint is legit:
i am going berserk,
my new boss here at work
is a jerk and a twit?oh, i quit!
"
"when i see that our rules have been breached
and my sermon on evil's been preached?
don't stand in my way,
i've got demons to slay?
for my boiling point's finally been reached.
"
"hunter safety's the course where you're taught
how to carry your gun when you're not
taking aim at a duck
or a seven-point buck?
leave the breech open after each shot.
"
"when matilda waltzed straight into town
like a queen of the highest renown,
her dress shimmered (sublime),
and in three-quarter time,
clear glass bugle beads swayed on her gown.
"
"i am tortured by blistering heat,
with no shoes, in a world of concrete.
there's no victory won
in this harsh noon-day sun?
just the agony felt in defeat.
"
"the nuns never let him write left,
though his backhand delivery was deft.
he's bereft of what's right.
still, the nuns seem uptight
'cause his writing slants left?and with heft!
"
"when you've twenty-six babies to feed,
there's a tool you'll assuredly need.
you must scour inside
where bacteria hide
with a bottlebrush?that does the deed!
"
"i don't normally boast, but i'll claim
that i once had a close brush with fame,
when i boarded the train
to an airport in spain
with that singer... (oh, what was his name?)
"
"it's at sunrise that reveille's blown
and the skills of the bugler are shown.
with no valves to rely on,
he's forced to get by on
one set of harmonics alone.
"
"here's a fact to completely astound
any reader who keeps books around.
there's a breed on this globe
called the bibliophobe:
the mere sight of a book?he's unbound.
"
"where atlantic and indian blend
is at africa's southernmost end.
hydrographically speaking?
the point you are seeking?
cape agulhas (just 'round the last bend).
"
"at the cape of st. vincent's stark land,
sacred ruins and menhirs still stand.
where the world meets the sea;
many thought it to be
the end of the earth close at hand.
"
"my sheep must be white for the fair
but they're covered in mud, such despair!
since their wool can't take bleach,
here's a trick that they teach:
use bluing; it whitens with flair!
"
"that's not camping; and here are the clues:
there's no tent, and the bed that you use
is at least thirty feet?
a deluxe rolling suite:
let's try landlubbers' luxury cruise.
"
"at the headlands, the oceans compete,
with their currents aswirl where they meet.
at the cape and the horn,
many maelstroms are born?
sailing past them is still a great feat.
"
"as kids we had oodles of fun.
we'd be cops catching crooks on the run.
every boy had a blast
in those days that are past,
shooting caps from his fifty-round gun.
"
"is this the best piece that i've got?
i'd say, ""no, most assuredly not.
but i think it's on par
with my others so far?
about average?not righteous, not rot.""
"
"san diego's a cape that lies on
the northeasternmost tip of taiwan.
the spaniards once came
and bestowed this fine name?
it remains, though the spanish are gone.
"
"the high cost of fuel makes me ponder,
""how far down the road can i wander?""
i'm doing less trekking;
these prices are wrecking
my budget?i'm not one to squander.
"
"so obscene, this new  cap on our wages.
(no more raises?) that truly enrages
the worker who's just
trying not to go bust.
don't be stunned if a walkout he stages.
"
"every morning young timmy would run
to discover what crime had been done.
every wrong he would right
with the truth and his might?
this crusader? my capable son!
"
"when ol' wile e. set out on a caper
to capture that crafty escaper,
he would plan his attack
with an acme jet-pack?
an efficient coyote misshaper.
"
"can superman's cape make him fly?
does it keep him up there in the sky?
is it garb de rigueur,
simply there to ensure
he's a hero in every boy's eye?
"
"the matador waved his red cape
at the bull, and the crowd stood agape.
with a twist to the left,
se?or's movements were deft,
and the bull simply slipped through the drape.
"
"on a dartboard the centermost red
is the spot most good darters hit dead
when they're aiming to win,
or be first to begin;
but the bull fills a novice with dread.
"
"if you sailed with the dutchmen of old,
then you knew of their ships swift and bold.
'twas the capers that flew
'round the cape strong and true?
it's the stuff of great legends oft told.
"
"to see rockets, canaveral's it,
at the tip of this florida spit?
from bumper to titan,
the predawn skies brighten,
when the cape at each lift-off is lit.
"
"christmas night and the wicks had been tapered?
the puppies got loose and they capered.
all frolicking free,
they demolished the tree.
and the presents? they all were un-papered.
"
"""hey, gar?on, come and look at my dish.
there is something all over my fish.""
""those are capers,"" said he,
""pickled flower buds, see?
and delish as a nosher could wish.""
"
"when your horse draws up short of a gate
and won't jump, it's already too late.
mine gave it a glance,
neighed, ""whoa, buddy, fat chance!""
and committed a balk. got that straight?
"
"if historical landmarks you seek,
out in portland we've something unique:
benson bubblers you'll see.
drinking water flows free
and they're cleaned every day of the week.
"
"she is known for her blistering wit.
with a viperous tongue she will spit,
out of anger or spite,
petty words that will bite?
if you vex her, you're sure to get bit.
"
"in my yard, what i heard! let me share?
ol' g dub told a shrub planted there
that his beard got a whack,
from the aussie out back,
guess which bush is more dense. do you dare?
"
"if you're looking for mardi gras fun,
the big easy's a bit overdone.
in a quieter parish
are great moments to cherish?
up in addis the party's begun.
"
"you decide that this life is unfair,
storm about with your temper aflare.
after blowing your stack,
you can never go back?
you've burned bridges you'll never repair.
"
"on the runway in paris this spring,
woven hemp will be fashion's new thing.
they'll be looking so sleek
in the new shabby chic;
it's a dress made of burlap and string.
"
"need a book for a cold winter's night?
little women's a classic delight:
alcott's tale of young life,
steeped in heartache and strife.
will these sisters come through it all right?
"
"my life is forever off track;
i try hard but i can't get it back.
every branchline i face,
takes me some other place.
i'm derailed and my world's out of whack!
"
"not all ladies are skinny, it's true;
some are plumper, but that's nothing new.
when you cuddle and kiss
with a shapelier miss,
call her butterball, pal, and you're through.
"
"as an artist i want you to buy.
my designs must appeal to your eye.
so with sweeps and a curve,
with panache and sheer verve,
here's a stunning new blobject to try.
"
"in the pub down the street, we play darts
late at night when the rabble departs.
the game's three-o-one:
get to zero ? you're done,
and a bull's-eye determines who starts.
"
"i was trying to sleep on the plane.
got a crick in my neck (what a pain)?
put my hip out of whack,
but the day i got back,
my fine bone cracker took out the strain.
"
"come to sesame street, be our guest.
check out big bird's gargantuan nest.
he's our fine feathered friend
(on whom kids can depend),
head and shoulders above all the rest.
"
"at first meeting, she'll often put on
a fa?ade, her warm nature withdrawn.
she seems brittle and cool?
but have patience, and you'll
see she's sweet as a sparrow at dawn.
"
"we're the best in the state, unsurpassed,
and we're aiming to prove it at last.
while the other teams vie,
our first round is a bye?
second round we will shine (they're outclassed).
"
"to call drill for the company brass,
or play taps as you stand on the grass
by a serviceman's grave
to respect all he gave,
a clear bugle you'll never surpass.
"
"young christina disputed a call.
her opponent stood bouncing the ball.
the crowd booed disbelief,
as the ump gave her grief?
once again they were tied, 40?all.
"
"are you bored with croquet on the grass?
as for horseshoes, you'd just as soon pass?
when your leisure time calls,
grab a hold of some balls?
let's play bocce; it's really a gas!
"
"mogul skiers (this breed once was rare)
with their hot-dogging, devil-may-care
way of living out loud
are so cocky and proud?
bold as brass when they're catching some air.
"
"it's not healthy to hold back the tide
of emotions you lock deep inside.
what you've bottled up tight
will most likely ignite?
it's the fall that comes after the pride.
"
"i must read moby dick or presume
that in lit i face failure and doom.
some abridging is needed
since melville exceeded
the volume that i can consume.
"
"in the midst of a most solemn scene
(a soliloquy voiced by the queen),
a short burst of applause
and some hearty guffaws
told the troupe that those watching were green.
"
"on the corner some bum was espied
bumming rides with his pack by his side.
if he sticks out his thumb
as he sits on his bum,
could he pull out a plum of a ride?
"
"burning books: it has always been done,
sending freedom of thought on the run.
how the pious delight,
as those books all ignite
at fahrenheit 451.
"
"on the highway with nary a soul,
wipers slappin' some ol' rock n' roll,
my tires start slipping;
they're no longer gripping,
but aquaplaning out of control.
"
"when the bughouse is swarming with bugs,
is the patient, sedated by drugs,
happ'ly shooting the breeze
with the spiders and fleas?
on his haziest days, he just shrugs.
"
"""at a breathtaking moment on stage,
a white tiger escaped from his cage.
as the audience froze,
the magician arose...""
and i trembled while turning the page.
"
"my friend wears a size eighteen shoe.
sitting down, he is still six-foot-two.
with a big barrel chest
(you can picture the rest),
my pal's bunyanesque (in my view).
"
"a doctor got down on his knee,
asking, ""dearest one, please marry me.""
with a smile she agreed;
she's quite beamish indeed.
a bright future she now can foresee.
"
"in the summer the bees like to be
buzzing round my most favorite tree.
it grows pears that are sweet
and so yummy to eat.
they're called boscs, and they're heaven to me!
"
"when you camp with my dad, there's a list?
how to set up your camp?here's the gist:
pitch the tent, dig latrine,
dodge k.p. (it's routine),
watch the sunset, on that he'll insist.
"
"got a tent set up under a tree,
so serene, just my sweetheart and me.
to make everything spiffy,
i need a  real biffy?
where does he expect me to pee?
"
"come join madam mehitabel chat.
she's agreed you're admittable at
her ""back alley cafe.""
try her pigeon mol?.
she's a very hospitable cat.
"
"you've struck out with mike's sister jen
and you're hiding out here in the den.
this gaffe needs undoing,
so get your mind brewing,
quit stewing: start wooing again.
"
"he was quite the predictable chap.
every sunday he'd take a long nap,
his plaid driver in place
over most of his face?
there he sat, my dear gramps and that cap.
"
"forty dancers stand poised on the stage.
the director had hoped to engage
seven girls from this pack;
but this cattle call's lack
of raw talent has him in a rage.
"
"how far west can you go on dry land?
that depends on the land where you stand.
it's cape blanco, some boast,
on the oregon coast?
it's too bad they can't make it expand.
"
"you're not likely to meet any chap
who can find himself caught in a scrap
with a footballer who
tried upsetting his brew,
like the affable bloke andy capp.
"
"as the singer who wore white buck shoes,
pat boone covered rhythm and blues.
he was king of the charts,
stealing all the girls' hearts,
even with his conservative views.
"
"in manhattan bodegas abound,
and in brooklyn they're highly renowned.
you can buy a tortilla,
or a case of sangria.
on the street corner's where they'll be found.
"
"crisp biscotti are such a delight;
you'll agree after only one bite.
anise-flavored's the best,
or there's lemon for zest.
the italians do cookies just right.
"
"as he's writing, he does so with dots
that are raised in particular spots.
these are touched to be ""seen""
by deft fingers that glean
what the braillist so carefully plots.
"
"archeological digging's so grand.
you unearth ancient objects from sand.
find a trinket that's small
or a pyramid's wall?
vanished cultures are now close at hand.
"
"he fancied himself quite the bard;
like a peacock, he'd strut through the yard.
so absurdly he'd act
that we thought he had cracked.
his life's been a farce, and he's starred.
"
"got a press in the basement below,
with engraving plates ready to go.
we'll be printing some green,
more than bill gates has seen?
we'll have oodles of boodle to blow!
"
"an assumable loan has a perk:
someone's done all the tedious work.
if your credit's all set,
you can take on the debt
of a loan someone else tried to shirk.
"
"it's one show always certain to please,
with three rings and a flying trapeze,
and fierce lions that roar
as the acrobats soar,
so this big top's no circus of fleas.
"
"as the camera moves close for a zoom,
not a sound can be heard in the room,
and it's obvious why:
the mike's thirty feet high?
""hey, jos?!  time to lower the boom.""
"
"in new zealand this cultivar's bred
with a skin tinted green and light red.
the crisp braeburn's a smart
fruit for pies or a tart,
but it's best as a buttery spread.
"
"i just filled up my rig and i'm tapped,
and the gas tank is properly capped,
if some jerk tries to suck
any fuel from my truck,
he'll get nabbed when the cap's trap gets snapped.
"
"'twas erected by british decree
on a reef over twelve miles asea.
bell rock's beacon has shone
from this lighthouse of stone,
warning sailors that danger here be.
"
"the astoria column regales:
in fine etchings are woven details
of the brave men who came
to this coastline to tame
the columbia, 'midst joys and travails.
"
"the hoodoos and arches arouse
awe and wonder; the scenery wows.
in the words of eb bryce,
who was clear and concise,
""it's a helluva place to lose cows!""
"
"as kids we'd pitch tents in the grass.
in old age, aches and pains came to pass.
bought a caravan, new,
with a galley and loo,
for this lass likes to travel in class.
"
"explorers from portugal named
the west african coastline they ""tamed.""
cabo verde's a spot
where the slave trade was hot.
simply commerce?that's what they proclaimed.
"
"wild 'gators alleging a tort
had to hightail it right out of court.
they had filed accusations
with wild allegations?
the sort allegators report.
"
"on a desert plateau in the sun,
sandstone arches display what is done
when earth's forces most savage
join forces to ravage?
their beauty shows nature has won.
"
"when it's friday at camp crystal lake,
find your tent and don't make the mistake
of the camper who tracks
jason, wielding his ax?
'cause you know there's a sequel to make.
"
"got a home that's on wheels (my retreat).
found a job that i knew would be sweet.
i'm a camp host. it's fun!
it's my duty to run
this small campground?that's no easy feat.
"
"the dutch sailed the southerly seas
on the lioness, charting with ease.
other ships with less luck
at cape leeuwin struck
unseen rocks, like the ship pericles.
"
"an a student, she tried to behave?
under pressure, she let herself cave
in to peers who thought they
had an easier way?
now to lies and deceit she's a slave.
"
"she's a rock, standing firm through the strife:
a good daughter and sister and wife.
raising children who care?
there her capstone's laid; they're
petra's crowning achievement in life.
"
"i'm trying to burnish my rep;
it's no longer that cool to be hep.
if this cat's gonna shine,
then it's time to refine?
to buff up my slang's the first step.
"
"he's a blight on our family name:
wish he'd quit passing off all the blame
when he lies, cheats and steals.
he ignores our appeals.
can't he see how he's brought us to shame?
"
"just a small golden bloom to begin?
dandelions, so hardy, dig in.
though i try very hard,
they now carpet my yard?
and my neighbor's, to both our chagrin.
"
"i got struck in the face by a blast?
a verbal assault flying fast.
though i'm left in a heap,
she will not see me weep.
she has shown her true colors, at last.
"
"such myst'ries lie deep underground;
in the caverns, they'll truly astound.
see descending stalactites
and ascending stalagmites.
in carlsbad, these features abound.
"
"release the dark root creeping in,
lest real hatred should truly begin
to devour your heart.
pluck it out at the start;
don't let bitterness bite you and win.
"
"i've oft heard it said: love is blind,
as the heart wins the day o'er the mind.
but to trust in a friend
who's untrue in the end
is a  blindness best left undefined.
"
"with age creeping on with each dawn,
the long quest grew more urgent for juan.
""we will find it, by jiminy,
right here on bimini,
or my name's not ponce de le?n!""
"
"her albums have gone solid gold,
while on stage she's a sight to behold?
with a voice to beguile
and a heavenly smile
captivating the crowd, young and old.
"
"good morning! let's come out and play!
you'll meet lots of neat friends on the way:
mr. moose, dancing bear,
mr. green jeans are there.
join the captain?how perfect a day.
"
"this youngster's a wonderful host,
not attempting to frighten like most.
if he greets you with ""boo!""
that's just ""how do you do?""
he's casper the friendly young ghost!
"
"to err, it is human?agreed?
kind correction is all that we need.
but a verbal assault,
finding nothing but fault,
comes across as quite captious, indeed!
"
"i uncovered a  treatise on weather,
a volume on hemlock and heather,
and two first editions
on ancient munitions,
each bound in soft burgundy pleather.
"
"my stomach's bound up in a knot,
the result of a bungled-up plot.
i need tums and some pepto
(good thing i'm a klepto).
am i bound for a cold jailhouse cot?
"
"how could you become so remiss?
did you think you'd found heavenly bliss?
now your life's on display,
and you're sure gonna pay?
there is bound to be fallout from this.
"
"we shouldn't cast doubt on your piety?
you think we ignore impropriety?
we find you uncouth;
it's the god's honest truth?
you're a boil on the butt of society.
"
"it must be a hundred and one
in the shade; i am not having fun.
now my belly has dropped
and my button has popped;
please tell me this turkey is done.
"
"each year it's a race: who can stash
the most nuts?  through the yard we both dash.
when the winter snows fall
and the baking pans call,
i will raid that darn squirrel's greedy cache.
"
"i would advocate taking our class.
it's in campcraft; i'm sure you could pass.
we can teach you the skill
to make camping a thrill,
and in no time you're cooking with gas.
"
"their website is hounded by trolls,
and their office is swarming with moles.
but there's time to revamp
this young candidate's camp.
with some work, they can plug up the holes.
"
"she's a diva, the finicky sort,
never found on the runway or court.
she's named calico bush,
and she hasn't a tush?
she's uncultured?a heath, not a wort.
"
"for an accurate flick of the wrist,
all the bones of my carpus must twist
with precision and grace
and at just the right pace
lest i swing at the ball and it's missed.
"
"to win captainship's every girl's dream.
here's the head of the cheerleading team,
who holds pom-poms up high
while she calculates pi.
she's a mathlete?a bright academe.
"
"in a quest to become photogenic,
she's practicing moves calisthenic.
but jumping like jack
she's twisted her back,
and suffered a rupture that's splenic.
"
"the male grosbeak that preens on our fence
takes his name from a color, intense.
from his tail to his head,
he wears cardinal red?
hear him cry, ""let the mating commence!""
"
"it's a peppermint stick with a bend,
and a symbol of christ, some contend.
why does legend proclaim
it was made in his name?
ask the candy cane guy in south bend.
"
"while you went for a weekend to rome,
your new washer spat masses of foam.
it smothered the floor,
barely dammed by the door:
you will need antifoam when you're home.
"
"there once was a flemish cartographer
who married a russian topographer.
they mapped out a life
free of trouble and strife.
their oldest is now a chorographer.
"
"we know border disputes can ignite
between leaders who each claim a right?
just like president polk
as he vowed to the folk,
""it's fifty-four forty or fight!""
"
"from half court, a pass toward the hoop
sends the ball in a high arcing loop.
then a teammate (with flair)
snags the ball from midair
and slam-dunks it?one sweet alley-oop!
"
"the baikal is a strange little breed,
but the poachers all pay little heed.
they continue to take
baby seals from the lake?
are they blind or just driven by greed?
"
"how he came, he may never reveal,
but it must have been quite an ordeal,
since by nature's decree
he should swim in the sea:
he's the small spotted caspian seal.
"
"when atlantis-bound, bearing a load,
did the ancients walk bimini road?
did a chinese fleet dock
on this pier built ad hoc?
it's a mystery none can decode.
"
"it's the ape cave: those eager young scouts
were first to explore the deep routes
of this underground span,
where the lava once ran.
not one primate's been seen thereabouts.
"
"the american west is defined
by a series of peaks well aligned.
adams, baker and hood,
these cascades have long stood
with grace, by the ages refined.
"
"is the curse of bermuda defunct,
the phenomena all been debunked?
were those planes really lost,
or have legends been glossed
of the triangle?  most have been junked.
"
"setting off to meet santa one year,
little jimmy had packed arctic gear.
cape columbia's bend
brought the land to an end?
the americas' northern tip's here.
"
"my blinker had blinked its last blink.
you could say it had gone on the blink.
so i bought one that  works
from the auto parts jerks?
when they winked i just gave 'em a blink.
"
"the panda is cute in his tree
but this fuzzy ol' bear ain't for me.
my favorite's pooh;
i love corduroy too,
and paddington bear?he makes three!
"
"my wife holds a socialist view,
a collectivist; honest, it's true.
my lawyer concurs
all i owned is now hers,
since our union's officially through.
"
"let's go clubbing with paris and brit;
at the clubs they are always a hit.
we can dance, drink and drive
'til the coppers arrive;
when they come, we can turn tail and split.
"
"when young, we were common as dirt;
i wore sackcloth instead of a shirt.
when my football got took
by some slimy old crook,
we threw stones at his windows?that hurt!
"
"in la loma, a desperate scene,
a big land grab, the mayor saw green?
some refused to depart,
and that was the start
of the battle of ch?vez ravine.
"
"an author was famous for writing
a best-selling novel, igniting
deep thought in the thinkers
and mirth in the drinkers.
the jacket was very inviting.
"
"kitty woke to a sound in the night;
it grew louder and so did her fright.
so she snatched up her bat,
swiftly sniffed out the rat,
and then clubbed him. oh my! what a sight.
"
"there's a language arts test that will tell
if your e.s.l. class has gone well.
in each blank write the ________
that should have occurred.
it's a cloze test. which word rings a bell?
"
"when the pop-tarts go clubbing we learn
of their exploits.  the airwaves all burn
with the tawdriest tales
and their latest travails?
is this really our greatest concern?
"
"when the club gets together for bridge
they all vie to be partnered with midge.
she so seldom gets beat,
just to watch her's a treat.
are they jealous? i think just a smidge.
"
"a corker is truly a must:
a high-quality one you can trust
to put corks in each neck
(or your wine will be dreck),
nice and tight, or your vineyard's a bust.
"
"this new printer! i'm pulling out hair.
seems the cable i need isn't there.
what i need's a connector:
a hi-tech collector
of bytes my computer can share.
"
"who first gave the caveman his club
and declared it was how he got grub?
was the way he attacked
incontestable fact,
or some drunk anthropologist's flub?
"
"my doctor has excized a collop
of flesh with a huge nasty polyp,
which was deep in my gut.
(he went in through my butt.)
analgesics, thank god, packed a wallop!
"
"every girl of the rich upper crust
knows a real whale-boned corset's a must.
when it's cinched really tight,
it creates quite a sight:
an appealingly busk-boosted bust.
"
"she will argue, debate and dispute
with the pros of the highest repute.
there's no accurate measure
of fossilized treasure?
age is relative, not absolute.
"
"he tried hard not to hit a high popper?
instead he swung high for a hopper.
a fast ball hit hard
caught the shortstop off guard:
a sweet grounder with bounce.  it's a chopper!
"
"the pop tart's forever disgraced.
its good name's been besmirched and replaced
by the hollywood hip
who have let their lives slip?
now they're getting toasted (a waste).
"
"i bought a new chopper last night;
had to bury the old one from sight.
seems the neighbor cat's missing
with his yowling and hissing?
he put up a mighty good fight.
"
"a bully has just cleaned my clock!
my face is all bruised?i'm in shock!
to make matters worse,
i got nailed with a purse.
that old biddy was tough! get the doc!
"
"if  doric's the order in place,
there's a chance you may glance on its face.
a bucrane motif,
i'll explain (and be brief),
features ox heads with garlands to grace.
"
"i'm as blind as a bat without specs;
in my driving you see the effects.
i may weave to and fro,
but i drive very slow.
yet the dmv firmly objects.
"
"she's as bright as a button, this lass;
there is nary a test she can't pass.
be it latin or greek,
she needs only a week,
and she'll rise to the head of the class.
"
"have you cattle you fear will get loose?
will your horse run away, hit the juice?
that young bull you won't lose,
and that stud won't find booze,
if you latch up the gate on the boose.
"
"with our cammocks we strike and advance,
passing swiftly with nary a glance
at defenders whose tricks
involve slashing their sticks.
with these antics, they don't stand a chance.
"
"the victoria's secret clerk snickers
as gum-booted hicks in their slickers
ask to see the selection,
for daisy's inspection,
of satin and lace camiknickers.
"
"calumniation's the name of his crime
but it's me who is serving the time.
he besmirched my good name
with my number-one dame;
now she thinks i'm a scum-sucking slime.
"
"keep your freak hair and nose ring at home.
if you play where the buffalo roam,
grab a stetson and beer;
we drink long-necks 'round here,
not that warm crap all covered in foam.
"
"the lovely bouquet of this wine'll
spawn dreams that i'm now amphirhinal.
how much sweeter are roses
inhaled by two noses?
but my surgeon said no! and that's final.
"
"go west, young man, west?so i traipse
with the sun 'cross the states to the capes.
out on alava's sand
is a view really grand:
one of washington's rugged escapes.
"
"i can't master this lock's combination.
i'm stuck with a small complication:
i need numbers (just three)
and their sequence is key
to releasing my pent-up frustration.
"
"the coppers have combed through this alley
for that shoplifter six-finger sally.
they have searched every nook
for the swift-handed crook,
never finding where sally did dally.
"
"little joey would not comb his hair;
""you can't make me!"" he'd often declare.
his poor mother would fight,
every morning and night,
to remove all the tangles with care.
"
"with wonder, his story was rife,
and his message was bigger than life,
but, like any new yorker,
i saw through his corker ?
that clooney had just found a wife.
"
"the customhouse chap placed his cocket
on shipmaster henry's load docket.
the duty's been paid
or the bribe has been laid
in that shady chap's graft-laden pocket.
"
"my name's friday, i stick to the book.
just the facts, ma'am, then we'll take a look.
we won't punch out his lights,
we'll just read him his rights:
that's how good cops will collar a crook.
"
"my neighbors all rise with the sun.
they're collectivized, thinking as one.
a cooperative group,
off to stepford they troop?
now their daily routine has begun.
"
"my code name is buttercup sue,
and my partner is captain magoo.
when we run covert ops
with the out-of-town cops,
they assume secret monikers too.
"
"pete and henry are studyin' hard
to be farmers of highest regard.
but their eyes often stray,
when they're taught to make hay,
to those cow college girls in the yard.
"
"if you're studyin' out in the sticks,
sharin' digs with the hayseeds and hicks
who all drive chevy trucks?
it's a cow college. shucks,
keep your eye on the mascot, he kicks!
"
"the pie split, and the king was in awe,
overwhelmed by the sight that he saw.
birdsong chirped all about,
and the king had to shout:
""of this daintiest dish i want more!""
"
"heed this warning: your ride will be bumpy!
it could make your horses quite jumpy.
it's hard pulling a load
down this corduroy road
with its logs so uneven and lumpy.
"
"to some, it is nearly a shrine?
cedar tubs filled from hot springs! divine!
come to bagby and find
a renewed peace of mind.
bathing au naturel is just fine.
"
"playing games in the sand, that's the ticket
for  aussies.  their latest? beach cricket.
it's like cricket on grass
(same idea, same class)
with a bowler, a batsman, a wicket.
"
"when a cause pulls my heartstrings, i yearn
to contribute each penny i earn;
i will do any deed
to assist those in need.
i get more than i give in return.
"
"""she's a climber,"" sir edmund was told;
at first glance, she did not fit the mold.
it was not mountaineering
she found so endearing
but hillary's title and gold.
"
"tom's garden caused great consternation:
it lacks what you'd call vegetation.
i said, ""listen, old chump,
there's that small grassy clump,
so no reason for this aggravation.""
"
"he's no thoroughbred from a grand sire
with a pedigree all can admire.
yet this colt is no phony,
he's a true-blue cow pony
with heart that will truly inspire.
"
"the antarctic's the home of cold weather
and of penguins?they're birds of a feather.
on the ice they will troop,
form a tightly knit group,
and stay toasty by clumping together.
"
"this enchantress has just set her hook
in that chap, since i fear he mistook
her intentions, though clear
to all those who were near?
he's been snared by her come-hither look.
"
"""she's a looker,"" the waiter said chattily.
""love her suit. she's attired so nattily.
she's got style and flair,
and such beautiful hair.""
""she's a hooker,"" the guest replied cattily.
"
"on this wardrobe, adhered to the back,
you will find a commemorative plaque.
there inscribed are details
of the many travails
of its owner, the pirate jack black.
"
"if consumption you seek, then you might
be enticed by a tasty delight:
here's a creamy home brew
and a meaty beef stew,
grandma's best?let your senses ignite.
"
"how i pine for my consul from france.
we both knew it was love at first glance.
when i asked, ""can i stay
at the consulate?"" they
sent me packing. that killed our romance.
"
"i must settle my cooperage bill;
it's outrageous, but pay it i will.
the cooperage due
is a thousand or two,
but i'm needing clean casks for my still.
"
"i know cheering is what i do best.
it's becoming my personal quest
to find people in need
of a kind word or deed:
when  i give, i  receive and feel blessed.
"
"making casks can be barrels of fun;
though it's hard, it's a job i won't shun.
shattered kegs i discard
in the cooperage yard;
i must stave off my thirst till i'm done.
"
"down the walls of this canyon cascade
many waterfalls into the glade.
their paths have been etched,
through the centuries sketched,
as the cliff's stony faces corrade.
"
"if a patient's excessively large,
like a freight car or tug boat or barge,
bariatric's the way
we describe him today?
and his bed's super-sized at no charge.
"
"drooling copiously, our little ben
has made puddles all over my den.
he's a basset.  i'm told
it gets worse when they're old,
so i'm sure it'll happen again.
"
"there's a treasure i'm longing to see,
at the base of the bucare tree?
a barista will know
the best coffee beans grow
in its shade, and i'm sure you'll agree.
"
"did the cave dweller know how to dice?
julienne, mince, carve, sliver or slice?
could his chopper of stone
take a truly fine hone,
or did hacking just have to suffice?
"
"grandma's chompers are always quite bright.
so i asked how she kept them that white.
""it's no secret, my dear.
i just plop them in here,
add some bleach, and they soak through the night.""
"
"what's this crap on my sandwich i sniff?
some cheap substitute spread? take a whiff!
you have ruined my lunch!
there's no peanutty crunch?
don't you know? choosey choosers choose jif!
"
"when you're captain you choose from the pack
the best players (the ones with the knack).
as the pickings grow slim,
you confess it looks grim?
after gym class you're gonna catch flak.
"
"got a call from old principal gus:
""for our trip we must charter a bus.
get us one that can haul
forty kids to the mall.""
just one call and it's done with no fuss.
"
"my opponent just gave me a nip
in my trousers, which now have a rip.
he's unbuttoned his blade,
now i'm sorely afraid
i'll be pierced by that razor-sharp tip.
"
"see them hang by the thousands. this sight
in the caverns can give one a fright.
they are bats from brazil
and produce quite a thrill,
when en masse they ascend every night.
"
"farmers' markets are fun to explore.
under tents you'll find produce galore.
but beware the old coot
who will sell as a fruit
cedar apples; they're rust, nothing more.
"
"that young man tried to butter me up;
he's so sure, yet he's only a pup.
though his flattery's nice,
i will have to think twice?
do i dare take a sip from his cup?
"
"the coopery's where i buy casks
from the dim-witted cooper who asks
what my barrels will hold.
he accepts what he's told:
""just some nails that i bought from the basques.""
"
"""an assistive device, grandpa phelps,
is all that you need!"" grandma yelps.
""it fits into your ear,
and allows you to hear!
not quite all that i say! but it helps!!""
"
"assistive technologies seek
to help people whose lives may seem bleak,
since their bodies are not
what the rest of us got
when we were all given physique.
"
"as a farmer you hope you can earn
a fine living; but first you must learn
how to manage your fields
to increase yearly yields?
gather grain and then use controlled burn.
"
"all good writers will use their own voices;
the tempo is one of their choices.
so, for better or worse,
they're controlling the verse?
it's a freedom they share?art rejoices!
"
"the king likes to count out his gold,
as the parson the sheep in his fold.
and they both take great pleasure
when weighing their treasure.
they're rich beyond measure, we're told.
"
"cromwell's men were not given their pay?
adjutators they sent forth to say,
""here is our declaration:
we've fought for this nation;
pay up, or we're coming your way!""
"
"i have lost my old telephone list;
and to calm my own mind i persist
in calling ren?
who confirms: ""it's okay?
it's by thinking, you know you exist.""
"
"there's a gash in the skin near your knee,
and your bone's sticking out, glory be!
as your troubles compound,
like that fracture, you're bound
for the surgeon. i'm glad it's not me!
"
"rooster rob, who is cock of the walk,
tries impressing the hens of the flock;
he likes sculpting his dome
to ensure that his comb
has the splendor to square with his squawk.
"
"your conduct is so unbecoming
i think you are purposely dumbing
yourself down for some guy.
there's no need to deny
you've a brain.  are you mentally slumming?
"
"he sat still in a cogitative pose,
breathing deep, out his mouth, in his nose;
chanting ""om"" he went deep
in a trance (not to sleep).
it was there all his best thoughts arose.
"
"our acquaintedness wanders and wends
down a path from mere strangers to friends.
there's no way we'll regret
the first day that we met.
let us pray that our road never ends.
"
"his cloddish behavior was quaint
for an hour or two; now it ain't.
he's the king of the dolts,
and my brain just revolts?
will i date him? i'd rather eat paint!
"
"as the sun sets i wait for the sounds
of the horses that pass through the grounds:
the steady clop-clopping
of heavy hooves dropping
on flagstones. it always astounds.
"
"these puppies are all different breeds,
many colors and sizes and speeds,
but they're all conspecific
(that term's scientific,
implying cross-breeding succeeds).
"
"he had gambled and lost?now he's poor.
the reform club declared, ""there's the door!""
he appeared so unkempt
he was held in contempt?
his old cronies now knew him no more.
"
"though her cookstove has no place to bake,
on its cooktop our grandma can make,
in her cast-iron pot,
hearty soup, thick and hot,
of which pot-bellied friends all partake.
"
"you will need to chain up for the snow
on the pass, so get ready to go.
studded tires won't do
if you want to get through
to the coast; they are simply for show.
"
"in our last consultation the doc
discovered a rather large pock:
""large and moist, shining red?
just be glad you're not dead.
now keep calm, we'll consult doctor spock.""
"
"in a quest to unseat this old tyrant,
i'm eager to be a conspirant.
""he's enslaved little kiddies
and feeble old biddies.
he's a villain! a beast!"" that was my rant.
"
"so you chose to be legally bound
to this homo erectus you found.
you thought he'd be hot
'tween the sheets, but he's not.
on the details you need not expound!
"
"so, your son can be managed? you claim
that he's corrigible?easy to tame?
that his tantrums and tears
are the fault of his peers?
could it be that you're shifting the blame?
"
"the priest said i couldn't partake
of the bread or the wine; my mistake
was to kiss and not tell.
now i'm going to hell?
i'll confess, for my sinful soul's sake.
"
"i hate, yes i truly mean hate,
furry critters?i will not debate.
they are better off dead
and contained in my shed?
i have barrels full. (don't tell the state.)
"
"my interest's compounded like mad
at a rate that suggests i've been had
by that loan shark the tank
(should've gone to the bank,
for my future looks bleak; i'm hit bad).
"
"you've clogged up my brain with your dreck.
i need filters in order to check
that the system is kept in
good shape. all that's crept in
gets scrubbed, so i'm clean 'bove the neck.
"
"there are telescopes, catheters, wells,
macaroni, guns' barrels and shells:
all are tubes, i.e. cannular,
as opposed to campanular
daffodils, mushrooms and bells.
"
"the phelpses produced a young laddie
called jock?he was known as a baddie.
a porter by trade,
he often ""mislaid""
people's trunks, so he made a poor cadie.
"
"merest touch was the minor infraction
that incited a shot-gun reaction
from an overwrought dad
when a starry-eyed lad
and his daughter engaged in contaction.
"
"my injury should be compensable,
yet you still say my claim is nonsensible?
doctors say there's no harm,
but i've lost my right arm?
seven grand? for my hand? reprehensible!
"
"in dark trenches, below the deep sea,
near a hot thermal vent, there will be
unique microbes consuming
raw sulfur that's fuming?
mere chemotrophs, dining with glee.
"
"i have a big drum in my yard
for the vegetable waste i discard.
i give it a spin
when i toss something in?
my new composter works very hard.
"
"the dutch carved the world a fine treat:
handmade clogs for the bogs and the street.
wrought from willow, the klompen
are handy when trompin'
through tulips, and easy on feet.
"
"old blue eyes canorously crooned,
and the ladies, enchanted, all swooned.
there's no doubt he could sing;
when he paired up with bing,
every girl in america mooned.
"
"he proceeds with a clocklike precision,
and his schedule we all can envision.
mister fogg leaves no doubt
as to time or to route.
any laggard's inviting derision.
"
"as the ballots are tallied, the tote
board displays who is winning the vote.
the constituency's voice
can be heard in their choice,
and the pollsters had better take note.
"
"you've made a small error? no prob!
it's correctable, let's fix the job.
it'll look like it's new?
just a tweak?make it two.
but the next time, don't be such a slob.
"
"in part four of his classical speech,
which took him two hours to reach,
came al gore's confutation
of hope for this nation,
refuting what talking heads preach.
"
"in the fifties there was a great tome
that was read from atlanta to nome.
this classic by spock,
the late, great baby doc,
was a boon for new parents at home.
"
"we're confederates, all in alliance
against teachers of animal science.
they want us to slice
up these nice little mice.
we are one in our act of defiance.
"
"i believe my request can be verified;
i'm not asking for something so rarified
that it can't be prepared
by your chef if he cared.
ghee, you mean there's no butter that's clarified?
"
"as a teen she was known for her wildness;
as a mother and wife, for her mildness.
time is taking its toll
and her mind is not whole?
she's returned to her innocent childness.
"
"on a train, the conductor's the one
who collects all the fares. when he's done,
he'll conduct those who cheat
to a constable's seat
at the very next stop.  (better run!)
"
"millie phelps loves champagne, and she's thrilled
when her glass is both full and well chilled.
if the temperature's off,
the cool lady will scoff?
and she hates it when something gets spilled.
"
"it's a short and compendious book,
and its title's the ultimate hook?
a brief history of time
writ in meter and rhyme.
the conciseness enticed me to look.
"
"his brain is unmapped?there's no guide
to the bumps and the grooves deep inside.
though his mind may be chartless,
he's surely not smart-less:
his innermost feelings he'll hide.
"
"on ground speed you can't beat a racer
as she slithers along?try and chase her!
this coluber's harmless;
though some find her charmless,
i aspire, one day, to embrace her.
"
"as your cousin's maternal relation,
you'll meet with a growing frustration.
love must be denied
for you're too closely tied?
your family tree shows cognation.
"
"their confederate thinking is what
helps them win; they were stuck in a rut.
they've quit hogging the ball,
and they play one for all?
as a team they are sure to kick butt!
"
"i'm confederate clean to my roots;
'twere my grandpa made gen'ral lee's boots.
i don't like yankee boys
with their smooth talkin' ploys,
charmin' ways and them fancy-pants suits.
"
"this cable is coppered. here, look:
it's aluminum-cored ? you got took!
this stuff's value is void;
it must be unalloyed
for this job must be done by the book.
"
"the art center's docents are wise
and their conduct, insightful. these guys
know their art very well;
and the tales that they tell
make it all come to life 'fore my eyes.
"
"we talk of the price that we've paid
with the value in dollars displayed.
no accounting of cost
can list all that is lost?
the costliness cannot be weighed.
"
"""my suspension will never survive
without concrete to cover this drive;
the potholes are tearing
a wheel from its bearing.
please order a crew here by five.""
"
"my attic's been cobwebbed by spiders,
from the rafters to granny's old gliders.
their thread's woven tight
round each item in sight.
to remove them i'll bring in outsiders.
"
"as the market halls burst into flames,
the tv only mentioned the names
of the famous elite
who found camden replete
of the finest in shopping and games.
"
"please come to our office, i beg,
or you'll leave us no choice?you're a dreg.
if you cannot comply
it may cost you an eye
for an eye, or an arm and a leg.
"
"when i call my colombian connection,
he supplies my espresso selection.
i know just where to go
when my bean bin is low;
thanks to him, i can brew true perfection.
"
"""my concreting crews are the best;
in a week?maybe two?you can test
out our skills as we slave
on your drive, which we'll pave
for the greenbacks you'll have to invest.""
"
"a young chemist set out to propose
to a poetess, writing in prose:
""may our two lives unite
with a bond nice and tight
like a compound.""
"
"a sailor, called pete o' the main,
was a climber we could not restrain.
when the gale winds did blow
and we tossed to and fro,
he'd ascend to the crow's nest?insane!
"
"we are only a keystroke apart
from those we hold dear to our heart.
long-lost cousin or friend
you'll track down in the end:
you can contact them?just make a start!
"
"controlled substance does not mean ""illicit.""
it's not otc?that's implicit.
your doc can request
the narcotic that's best
for your pain; when it's gone, you won't miss it.
"
"a new king of the ring has been crowned;
his opponent was ko'd first round.
this boxing sensation's
unique combinations?
mixed crosses and jab?did astound.
"
"in the compound, among the grass huts,
past a maiden, a brave proudly struts.
to this small rustic tribe
he is bringing a bribe:
for a wife he will trade thirty mutts.
"
"i like drinking this compound ice cold.
you may think that my action is bold.
but the o (one to two)
with the h makes a brew
we call water; in gallons it's sold.
"
"the rest of our rhyme clearly shows,
in the garden, the maid hanging clothes,
when a blackbird (now free)
from his perch in a tree
swiftly swept in and pecked off her nose.
"
"the king can be found every day
at the counting house, counting away
all the mountains of money
that buy bread and honey
for the queen in the parlour so gay.
"
"half a shilling would buy you a tune;
the rye in your pocket?a boon.
in the pie were a score
of young blackbirds (plus four);
a surprise would be served very soon.
"
"at halftime we put on a show.
our conductor is dixieland joe.
as we strut down the field
(will this marching band yield?),
it's his mace that we chase to and fro.
"
"my brother was quite the romancer?
a smoother-than-silk ballroom dancer.
at the disco, the lads
were such ignorant cads
they would call, one and all, ""there goes prancer!""
"
"at the wake, there was just one condoler
and the widow.  how would he console her?
his comforting failed;
as she wept and she wailed.
there was simply no way to control her.
"
"let's conjure up limericks, we two;
then we'll post?one for me, one for you.
there's some magic involved?
all these rhymes to be solved:
wave your wand! here's line five, and we're through.
"
"as the mining crew hammered and bored
out their tunnels, and carefully shored
up the walls with their staves,
they exposed ancient caves
in a mountain that nature has cored.
"
"the gong made a super-big bong,
and the tinkle bells played a sweet song.
all the clang and the clatter
made the other kids scatter?
but to mommy, wee jimmy just clong.
"
"let's confederate! here is the plan:
if we all work together, we can
overcome all the odds?
they may think themselves gods,
but we know they will bleed like a man.
"
"he's conducted for fifty-six years;
he's brought laughter and heartache and tears.
now he's passed the baton,
but his legend lives on?
he's the maestro, the best of his peers.
"
"they're cohesive, my mom and her chums;
they adhere to a motto that sums
up the way we should view
all the world, me and you.
""be a neighbor to all, even bums.""
"
"when conducting the patrons please make
every effort to bypass the fake
rembrandt drawings; they're not
what the curator thought
he was buying?he made a mistake.
"
"there are liquids for waking me up.
there are liquids i sip when i sup.
when my stomach has troubles,
i drown them in bubbles?
that's 7-up fizz in my cup.
"
"i'm affianced to bess, so i still
have to swallow the bitterest pill.
when she asked me to wed,
i was sure she said ""bed"",
so ""i'd love to!"" is now just ""i will.""
"
"with the cards that he shows to persuade,
it's an argument cogently made.
he's convinced one and all
that he's ready to fall.
but he's bluffed?they're about to be played.
"
"i'm certain i'm here and i feel
my existence is physical, real.
i'm taking up space
in this time and this place.
corporeity has its appeal.
"
"i'm coparcener in the estate
of my late uncle bill.  how'd i rate?
i am now a joint heir,
with a fortune to share
with my cousins?i think there are eight.
"
"the colonizationist stole
the designs for a town.  what's his goal?
to settle a village
he later can pillage
through taxes and roads with a toll.
"
"when the orchestra plays, its sounds tend
to a congruous chord, end to end.
the soloist sings
to the winds and the strings,
as their harmonies perfectly blend.
"
"in babel the old and the young
were collingual; their hymns were all sung
to the god of their nation
without variation?
a tower divided their tongue.
"
"cholangiography's my expertise?
i am licensed and have two degrees
in this x-ray technique
that is used when we peek
at your bile ducts in search of disease.
"
"last july, in my car, i forgot
i had gumdrops, and soon it got hot:
on my dashboard they lay,
formed a blob, just like clay?
a concretion of sugary rot.
"
"as conservator of the estate
of your crazy old aunt, who of late
was really quite wise
in her real-estate buys,
you will find i was truly first-rate.
"
"c.j. strolin is famous for coinage
of nonce he can use to adjoinage
one thought to another,
a rhyme to its brother,
or simply for fun like kaboinage.
"
"for the grammys bob marley got coifed.
all the rastas were sure he'd gone soft,
for his hair had been styled
by rats that went wild;
his dreadlocks were standing aloft.
"
"the coinage that's here in my hand
is worth?let me think?eighty grand.
per the tale i was told,
these doubloons of pure gold
are from blackbeard's own pirating band.
"
"young lord plummer declared he would own
all the land he could see from his throne:
""though this chiefdom's petite
(just a mere toilet seat),
i will rule it myself, all alone!""
"
"""so your schedule is yours all alone?
set in concrete and written in stone?
sir, there must be a way
you can get here today?
would it help if i throw you a bone?""
"
"bob the baker decided to bake
for his wife a large coconut cake.
but the eggs had gone funny,
and the butter was runny?
made her sick?what a costly mistake!
"
"so you thought writing lims was a snap?
you've begun every line with a cap;
there's impeccable rhyme;
and your meter's sublime.
but here's news for ya buddy: it's crap!
"
"his competency came into question
when he gave the whole crew indigestion.
he's the worst in the fleet?
none will ever compete?
and he's deaf to the smallest suggestion.
"
"jimmy joe has a penchant for cleanness.
he'll attack any mess with pure meanness
and scrub away grunge
with an earth-friendly sponge.
he recycles as well?that's his greenness.
"
"a visiting art connoisseur
took the gallery's organized tour.
his group was misguided?
the conduct provided?
a pimple-faced bubblegum chewer.
"
"""i'm confounded; you chatter so cheerily 
with winter's grey skies hanging drearily.
my dear sister, you sing
like a lark in the spring.
how i wish i could too,"" she sighed wearily.
"
"phinny phelps was afraid he'd get dirt
on his red-white-and-blue checkered shirt.
it had snaps that were pearly?
his dad called them girly?
were it orange and pink, he'd get hurt.
"
"you had better stop being a snot!
chewing gum is a habit you ought
to be breaking, young man.
now your folks have a plan?
please conduct yourself as you've been taught.
"
"my sister complained rather queasily,
""i'm not sure why you're grinning so cheesily.
that huge tilt-a-whirl
is what caused me to hurl?
it could have been you rather easily.""
"
"millie phelps likes to hang with the gals,
and her husband to chill with his pals.
so at home he gets chilled
while his wife's truly thrilled
by the windsurfing out in the dalles.
"
"the conservator, arthur, was blamed
when the painting was stolen.  they claimed
that he'd left unattended
the portrait he'd mended.
was it art or the art that was framed?
"
"my teenagers went to the fair
to meet ""chicklings"" they heard would be there.
i smothered my glee,
for the chicks they would see
would have feathers instead of blonde hair.
"
"caveman dana, amazed by an ear
(not the kind that can help a man hear),
started planting a field
and produced a large yield,
then constructed a corncrib quite near.
"
"when conducting, i have to keep guard
for the hoodlums who slip from the yard
and then board for a ride
with no ticket.  they hide
in the club car, and catching them's hard.
"
"since sony gave ringo the snub,
he is singing the blues in his tub.
his bathometer shows
to what depths this man goes?
he once captained a big yellow sub.
"
"when i've battled with drivers each way
on the road to my job every day,
i retreat to my space
all alone; it's the place
for cocooning?escaping the fray.
"
"something terrible's happened to me:
my bonnie lies over the sea.
so, please, won't you pray
that the winds find a way
to bring back my bonnie to me?
"
"our growth through this union's unceasable.
my people have always been peaceable.
your friendship is sought,
with not one battle fought.
i believe our two clans are cohesible.
"
"our survival attests to the fact
that, although all the odds appeared stacked,
we've endured through the fray,
and we're standing today
bearing witness?our lives are intact.
"
"when a-courtin' the maidens all go,
they will pray for a handsome young beau?
the considerate sort,
one who's loath to report
any flaws that the lady might show.
"
"climbing over the top of the rise,
unaware of the lurking surprise,
a wealthy old cad
was about to be had
by an ambusher, helped by his spies.
"
"my off-roadin' rig takes a-2s.
they're the tires that work when i cruise
over rugged terrain?
wheel-side down i'll remain.
for a street rod, they're not what i'd choose.
"
"conch angles provided the fuel,
so i made this ingenious tool.
now my ocean-borne treasure
is easy to measure?
my conchometer's shiny and cool.
"
"momma's back porch was where she would sing,
as she sat on her wonderful swing.
where aunt sheila shucked corn
and our kittens were born,
the fresh jasmine would bloom every spring.
"
"missy phelps woke today looking scary;
her face bore two moles, dark and hairy.
she's paid a dear cost
for each tooth that she's lost?
old matilda has been a bad fairy.
"
"a wreath made of briar and thorn
was the crown that they used to adorn
my lord's brow as they mocked.
i am sure they were shocked
when he rose from his grave easter morn.
"
"when the internet's nothing but trouble,
i can often get help in a bubble
of text from the site.
now to set my life right
takes a click of my mouse?maybe double.
"
"the top of this hill's called its crown,
and from here all the paths must lead down.
at the bottom there's mud,
full of brambles and crud.
and beware of the quicksand?don't drown!
"
"autotheism: that's the belief
i'm divine?in my mind, i am chief.
now please wipe off that frown,
for you needn't bow down.
be your own god and don't give me grief.
"
"fellow classmen, please lend me an ear:
the end of our studies draws near.
soon we'll pass through that door;
we've a world to explore?
so now, class of '08, give a cheer!
"
"the bicycle wheels are all zinging
as the riders glide by, sweetly singing.
it's the first day of may,
and they've gone out to play?
oh, the joy all this sunshine is bringing!
"
"my husband left me and our son
for some hussy; he wanted more fun.
now i'm quite inconsolable.
weren't his urges controllable?
where's pa?  i need him and his gun!
"
"i was driving my lorry; it stalled.
the aa were the blokes whom i called.
when the bonnet was raised,
my fix they appraised:
it was petrol i hadn't installed.
"
"saliva-wrapped bubbles work best
for the betta fish building his nest.
once it's built he'll remain
with the eggs that are lain
to defend them from mom and the rest.
"
"""lady, listen: i can book a crew,
but the wait is a week?maybe two.
we can concrete your drive,
but it won't be by five.
still, your drive'll be smooth when we're through.""
"
"minnie phelps liked to play the coquette;
she would claim that her name was minnette.
she would don a silk gown,
a petite diamond crown,
and her coat with the fur collarette.
"
"he described what was wrong so alarmingly
that she balked; but he smiled so disarmingly,
that she gave him a check?
she was sold by his dreck.
that poor widow got fleeced rather charmingly.
"
"there is nothing concrete in your thesis;
the professors will tear it to pieces.
let me give some advice:
concrete facts would be nice,
and what scientist calls his mice ""meeses""?
"
"for a sound wave to move, be aware
that a medium's needed, like air.
in a vacuum no sound
can be heard; they have found
its conduction is nil. (nothing's there.)
"
"it's jolly fun tossing back brews;
but come morning, i'm singing the blues.
the connection, i think,
is the volume i drink.
i should order in ones and not twos.
"
"""for you the connection is clear,
but my mind has grown foggy, i fear.
i don't seem to recall
where we met, not at all.""
""i'll remind you, don't worry, my dear.""
"
"consubstantiate means to unite
in substance or nature. to cite
an example divine,
some believe bread and wine
become body and blood through a rite.
"
"as a laddie my job was to guide
papa phelps to where herring would glide.
i would stand on a cliff
and signal his skiff.
""he's my conder,"" my pops said with pride.
"
"he's acquainted, i fear, with the law;
and he learned all he knows from his pa.
we'll acquaint him once more
with a prison-cell door
for the crimes that our witnesses saw.
"
"contemporaneousness?what a word!
but its meaning is not so absurd:
born as cohorts and peers,
we have lived all our years
in this era; our lives have concurred.
"
"the kelpies are working the flock;
they're helping corral all the stock.
these sheepdogs are swift;
they catch lambs that may drift?
for an aussie, these dogs are his rock.
"
"my data's corrupted; i've lost
all my work at incredible cost.
the damage is done,
and i'm under the gun?
there's no doubt i'm about to get tossed.
"
"now this green aubusson in the hall
is the carpet we bought, you'll recall,
near that little chateau
on the coast, near bordeaux,
from that charming old rug maker's stall.
"
"the solution to auto pollution
exists; it just needs execution.
our exhaust fumes are zip
when the car trip we skip?
it is time for a bike revolution!
"
"there is nothing more joyful for me
than to find an ascendible tree.
i will try to climb all,
and although i may fall,
when i manage, there's so much to see!
"
"it is spring, and the earth has awoken.
the ice on the lake is now broken.
there is green on the hills,
and with song the sky fills.
of renewal the good lord has spoken.
"
"this rock face? it's steep, but i'm told
it's attemptable if you feel bold.
i'm a daring young guy,
so i'll give it a try?
just as soon as i'm over this cold.
"
"why he left?  i just haven't a clue.
we were coasting along?nothing new.
but a chasm's now spread
down the length of our bed;
i am stuck, at a loss what to do.
"
"my fondness for gemstones has grown,
and there's one that i'm yearning to own:
that's the famed koh-i-noor,
a huge diamond, so pure!
to collectors, it's quite the best-known.
"
"he's guilty, that fact's indisputable.
his sentence i fear's not commutable.
no pardon is coming.
the gov won't be slumming
with murdering thieves?it's unsuitable.
"
"where's my trunk? and my gucci valise?
you're the porter? then tell me now, please,
why my bags are not here
in the checkroom. i fear
i will have to dock half of your fees.
"
"i knew  at a glance, ""he's the one!""
just one look at him there in the sun
with his pen and his pad?
my poor heart had been had.
now we're penning together?what fun!
"
"he was young, he was smart, he was tall;
and in life, he would go for it all.
his new bike fed his need
for incredible speed,
till he met, at full throttle, a wall.
"
"i make use of whatever's at hand;
not everything has to be planned.
i just toss in some rice,
add some veggies and spice,
serve with fish for a meal that is grand.
"
"its habitat's fragile at best,
and progress has put to the test
the bog aster's chances
to live through advances?
it's endangered; let's give it a rest.
"
"billy bob liked to bicycle jump,
but collided with yonder old stump.
now his tires are both flat.
he asks, ""how'd i do that?
guess i'll need me a bicycle pump.""
"
"the grease from my bicycle chain
has destroyed my white pants with a stain.
as i pedaled, they caught
in the gears?i forgot
to secure them. oh man, what a pain!
"
"an attainable goal's within reach:
now you study, but someday you'll teach,
find a beautiful spouse,
buy a wonderful house,
and retire to life at the beach.
"
"my dear daisy, i know you'll look sweet
perched up high on a bicycle seat.
to go riding with you
on a bike built for two
would, for me, be a wonderful treat.
"
"through the hillsides we wander and wend
heading westward, just me and a friend.
as we climb off the bus,
all the terminal's fuss
says our journey must draw to an end.
"
"just the sight of it brings peace of mind:
baby's tears, amid ferns all entwined.
small green leaves, soft and round,
and white blossoms abound
on this corsican herb, unconfined.
"
"the conman is quick to befool
a new mark; he will use any tool.
he'll concoct a sly ruse
to bemuse or confuse.
it's a hoax; don't be taken to school.
"
"my dad doesn't mutter a word.
there's a song in the air he just heard.
he is watching the sky
in high hopes he will spy
what, for him, is another life bird.
"
"an old woman who lives in a shoe
has not one dozen children, but two.
the seams of her dwelling
are bursting.  who's telling
her, ""twenty-four rugrats will do""?
"
"auriphrygia graces my gown,
from the neckline and bodice on down.
a fine golden thread
to white satin's been wed,
by the finest designer in town.
"
"for a windbreak of natural design
i'd plant plenty of austrian pine.
they grow tall and look nice,
withstand wind, snow and ice,
and for climbing, they're simply divine.
"
"automaniac? me? that's absurd!
i'm no car-lovin' freak like you've heard.
when i drive i am free,
to spend time with just me?
note that i and myself have concurred.
"
"here's my story: i'm female and single.
i like parties and places to mingle.
i teach in a school
where the kids are all cool.
when in oregon, give me a jingle.
"
"my bicycle suffered a shock
when the tire came down on a rock.
now my axle set's shot.
it's a good thing i've got
a new hub, cones and washers in stock.
"
"lady anne sat as still as a mouse,
while lord egbert, her well-meaning spouse,
prattled on to no end,
praying soon she would bend?
was she closemouthed to spite the old louse?
"
"when i'm working with yellow and red
there's a dye group that stands in good stead.
they are lightfast and true ?
all the azos will do
for a sunset or henry's old shed.
"
"with attritional downsizing we
can reduce our large work force for free.
when some over-priced clerk
finds a new place to work,
there's a much bigger paycheck for me!
"
"when we colonists came face to face
with the helpful, indigenous race,
we built a new state,
but in time came to hate
them and chased them from our new place.
"
"as he cheesily grinned ear to ear,
the young urchin sang out, ""never fear!""
but the gleam in his eyes
said, ""expect a surprise.""
he is not to be trusted?that's clear!
"
"we're forsaken! our outlook is dire!
i'm afraid we will sink in this mire.
on this bog earth, so small,
there's not room for us all?
a small island is what we require.
"
"they crowned her the queen for the night,
so she danced with her king to delight
all the kids at the prom;
and she showed great aplomb
with tiara and roses of white.
"
"""he is crowning! i just saw his head!""
cried the doc from the foot of the bed.
""give a push and we're through.
well, it may take a few
more contractions."" (that's easily said.)
"
"fetch the mini! we're off to the green
for an autotest; hope you are keen
to go racing on grass.
see, the trick is to pass
all the cones and to come away clean.
"
"when salmon is raised on a farm,
it is bland, and it may cause you harm,
since that lovely pink tint
(let me give you a hint)
is just coloring?sound the alarm!
"
"she's old, and she's slow, so take care.
you can't sail her just any-old-where.
she made trading a breeze
all across the high seas?
but it's time to retire our crare.
"
"wilbur wright said, ""hey orville, the sky
is no limit for us. we can fly!
over sand dunes we'll drift
on our wings that give lift.""
orville thought, ""he's one confident guy.""
"
"1980: the cold war still raged.
the u.s. and the s.u. engaged
in a face-off historic.
u.s. fans felt euphoric,
but the bronze-medal swedes found it staged.
"
"his discussion on brewing's begun,
so you're stuck here till quarter past one.
at length he'll explain
about water, hops, grain:
when he starts talking ale?better run.
"
"i got crosswise with ol' whisky pete,
when i bragged my ol' nag could defeat
his new bay at the track;
now there's no goin' back?
fifty bucks says i'm gonna get beat.
"
"when i'm mowing from her drive to mine,
i go crosswise, along the incline.
for traversing the length
tends to sap all my strength
and add kinks to the base of my spine.
"
"the closedown has happened so fast.
we were certain the money would last
through recessional dips?
now we must come to grips?
our employment's a thing of the past.
"
"there's a mallet we use for croquet
or for croquet, as britons may say.
it's the long wooden type
used to give balls a swipe
through a hoop on a bright, sunny day.
"
"with a body to stop any boy
and a sensual purr, she's a joy.
her voluptuous line
will be hot in '09?
she's the auto you oughta employ.
"
"when you jump from a plane with a chute
and an oversized bag filled with loot,
there's a really great trick:
land in brush that is thick,
and then stick to a well-hidden route.
"
"first my beemer just sported a dent;
then her fenders were bumped and got bent.
she was stolen, then crashed;
now her body is trashed?
to the auto shop's where she's been sent.
"
"this bridle is well worth the wait.
note the crownpiece they chose to create:
where it lies on the head,
they have woven in thread
of pure silver?my horse will look great.
"
"my eyes are as blue as the sea
when the water is clear as can be.
autosomally driven,
this hue i was given
was genetically chosen for me.
"
"god's awesomeness dwells in the trees
and the birds as they float on the breeze.
all his earthly creation
is a grand revelation?
it is his, from the stars to the seas.
"
"here's a rhyme just in time for our game.
we can play any day, what's the name?
call it crambo, it's quick,
you can learn in a lick?
match my rhyme every time, just the same.
"
"when michelle said ""our life's full of gloom;
give me breathing room!""?that spelled your doom.
so whatever you try,
you can kiss her goodbye?
she will not play the bride to your groom.
"
"for this cause, i'm the world's biggest fan.
you need help right away? i'm your man.
i am pleased i can aid?
i don't need to be paid.
by all means, i will do what i can.
"
"the bog bean is such a delight.
it's a marsh plant with flowers of white.
but its name is not credible
since none of it's edible?
i got sick from just one little bite.
"
"it's high noon, and the church bells now ring;
we've a ""friend"" who decided to sing.
no confederate, he
gave us up, copped a plea?
so from nooses we're ready to swing.
"
"those dents in the side of your head?
they're blunt trauma?or so the doc said.
though they may look severe,
had they gone ear to ear,
then most likely you would have been dead.
"
"we have ivy that covers the bricks.
it has feelers that cling to the nicks
in the mortar that's weak.
it sends creepers that seek
any foothold?it grabs on and sticks.
"
"there's a custom i share with my folks.
every year we play practical jokes.
on the first day of may
i am careful to stay
out of range of a letter that smokes.
"
"if possession is nine-tenths the law,
i believe there's a ten percent flaw.
i am not giving up
on retrieving my pup?
i'll get custody, nose tip to paw.
"
"my bipedalism helps me compete
for a role in the nutcracker suite.
i can dance with the best,
unlike missy-the-pest
who was born with two clumsy left feet.
"
"autobiopics might be myopic,
for the screenwriter serves as the topic.
to riches from rags?
well, the truth often sags
when the subject is too misanthropic.
"
"when the curtain came down, marlon knew
that their days on the boards were now through.
they were sure to be canned,
since the critics had panned
all the actors, the writers, the crew.
"
"the curtains that hang in my room
have a pattern of lilies in bloom.
when they filter the light,
every petal takes flight?	
fleeting beauty that eases the gloom.
"
"when you want to catch lobster, a creel
made of wicker is simply ideal.
add some bait to ensure
that it's lobster you lure,
not a squid or a stingray or eel!
"
"caveman dana was never a draftsman;
but in time, he became quite a craftsman.
he built flats that could float
and was once heard to gloat,
""i have built me some mighty fine rafts, man!""
"
"young billy bob brings to the lake
his old creel made of wicker to take
all the trout he can hook
home to becky to cook.
if he fails, she will grill him a steak.
"
"millie phelps was confused and distraught.
it was spirit-world answers she sought
from a channeling friend
who declared, ""there's no end
to your ancestors' tales, and they're rot!""
"
"baby's skin rash is simply prevented:
just dust him with powder, unscented.
it's the best i have found
for his bottom, so round?
keep it dry, and you'll both stay contented.
"
"his cuttings are faster and nearer
than his peers', and his rates are much dearer.
he can fleece a whole flock
by eleven o'clock.
clipper jones is the country's top shearer.
"
"there's an entrance out back that i know,
so come quickly; together we'll go
and sneak in from behind,
as i'm sure you don't mind
a free seat for this fabulous show.
"
"my ol' pa will be sleepin' till noon
since we're lookin' to have a full moon.
he'll be makin' some noise
with my ma and the boys,
when they're out with the hounds huntin' coon.
"
"as a teen i faced utter disgrace
with my torso confined in a brace.
it was meant to align
my misshapen young spine?
now it's back in its natural place.
"
"the hedge that my gardener grooms
is awash with the prettiest blooms.
baby rose bushes grow
as the stars of the show,
and their scent outshines all my perfumes.
"
"when you belt out a tune we can hear,
you are flat, but the lyrics are clear.
at the volume you're singing,
the rafters are ringing?
your lungs are impressive, my dear.
"
"the chaplaincy mostly is filled
by men of the cloth who are skilled
at restoring the hope
of the soldiers who cope
when there's innocent blood being spilled.
"
"when this girl is around, people shout,
since her physical beauty gave out.
once the belle of the ball,
she now haunts highbridge hall?
her corporealness gravely in doubt.
"
"we need crowd control here on the double!
these hoodlums are giving us trouble!
are you heeding our call?
they've demolished a wall,
and they're pelting us hard with the rubble.
"
"her crowning achievement, we're told,
was the day that her team won the gold.
she was last to the plate?
it was almost too late?
so she swung for the fence.  it was bold!
"
"she's a chronic complainer: she'll whine,
no matter the place that we dine?
if her soup is too hot
or her spoon has a spot
or her coleslaw is shredded too fine.
"
"having avi- beginning a word
is a clue it pertains to a bird.
like the avian flu
that chick's given to you?
you'll feel ducky real soon, so i've heard.
"
"availableness helps me decide
where it is i will finally reside.
i am willing to buy?
as my piece of the pie?
any brownstone for me and my bride.
"
"azonal: of worlds without lines,
where no fence and no wall redefines
what was once open space.
could we live in a place
without boundaries or no-entry signs?
"
"when my mom makes her famous spaghetti,
all us kids sit with forks at the ready
for a heaping big plate?
not a one will be late,
not even the youngest one, teddy.
"
"there's a well-rounded crown to my hat;
i do not like the kind that is flat.
keep your silk driving cap?
i'm a felt-derby chap.
a beret or fedora? just scat!
"
"you're a bluffer?you're acting so cold,
but i know that the hand you now hold
is no more than six-high;
you can't win if you try?
i've got aces and eights?time to fold.
"
"we have teddy as hostage, you heard?
and to trick us would be quite absurd.
better do as we sez,
we want one million pez.
unmarked bank notes? no, candy preferred.
"
"umberto has penned a new skit,
and his critics are bound to admit
they have no room to carp:
it is lively and sharp,
and its dialogue crackles with wit.
"
"poor monique sees ""unique"" as a sin;
and she shies from most games, lest she win.
standing out in a crowd
makes her nervous, not proud?
she would rather be beige and blend in.
"
"we must classify mountains of tapes
that reveal these uncivilized apes.
for the world cannot see
how the monkeys run free,
all disguised in congressional shapes.
"
"every friday i visit the home
with my hair spray and bag of pink foam.
auntie bee, miss yvette
and the four-wheeling set
say i'm skilled with the curlers and comb.
"
"it's curtains for sal; he was caught
with his nose in the president's plot.
the report mentions treason,
and that is the reason
sal's prospects aren't looking so hot.
"
"no matter what country i'm in,
i always feel guilty as sin.
""any goods to declare?""
really gives me a scare?
nosy customs guys. why must they grin?
"
"to use cripple or crip as a name
for a handicapped person is lame.
only ignorant folks
who tell humorless jokes
use such words that can hurt and defame.
"
"i'm a custom designer of cloaks
and of waistcoats for all the best blokes.
i build pieces to dress
those who wish to impress
with the high-living look each invokes.
"
"there's a house on the crest of the hill
that gives children a terrible thrill.
it's cloaked in a creepiness
that reduces to weepiness
any girl who is caught in its chill.
"
"i pay customs for luxury toys
i import, and it simply annoys
that the state of my purse
will be made a bit worse?
it's a tariff the taxman employs.
"
"he runs averagely, not fast or slow,
with a moderate distance to go.
he's of medium height
and his weight is just right?
not a star but your typical joe.
"
"on quivering legs he arose,
being coaxed by a nuzzling nose.
it is hard not to laugh
at this graceless young calf?
with each wobble, his awkwardness shows.
"
"caveman dana was tired of meat
that was raw, and he wanted to eat
something roasted quite through
and more easy to chew,
mumbling, ""cookfires?they'll give us heat...""
"
"axiology studies what we
consider the best choice to be.
do our values conform
to an ethical norm?
let's discuss it: no need to agree.
"
"rubbing twiglets together, they say,
can ignite a small flame. in this way
confrication is used.
are you feeling confused?
find a scout ? or a match is okay.
"
"on the cruise ship she's quite the converser,
which aids in her role as precursor.
she can chatter away
on events of the day
or the jobs of the captain or purser.
"
"confinable kids would be nice.
to that end, let me offer advice:
dry their tears when they're sad,
let them know when they're bad,
keep them seated, and never ask twice.
"
"it's no wonder we're all getting fatter:
my dinner was served on a platter.
this serving is biggish;
they must think i'm piggish?
don't they know that proportions do matter?
"
"in the back country?free to unwind
from the stress of the world's daily grind.
there's fresh air and bright sun:
all my kinks are undone;
in this wilderness time's left behind.
"
"at the end of the day it is said:
in my home, i'm the maker of bread.
hubby brings home the bacon,
so together we're makin'
what's needed?our kids are well-fed.
"
"we all live at the mercy of god.
he has numbered the days we will plod
down this path we call life.
he is there in our strife.
if we're faithful, he'll give us the nod.
"
"i like bathing inside when it's cold,
but in summer i often feel bold.
a good soak in the sun
can make washing more fun?
though my neighbors are not really sold.
"
"a curse word is what you may shout
when nobody else is about,
such as bummer, gosh, rats;
you may call your mates ""prats"",
for it lets all your anger flow out.
"
"most parisians might look askance
as the federalists hope for a chance
at departmental rule,
since there's always some fool
who would cling to old centralist france.
"
"she was crippled when skiing the black:
a wrong turn, and she fell, broke her back.
one day (so she hopes)
she'll return to the slopes
and give handicapped slalom a crack.
"
"that hovel's awash, doors to sash,
with bright blinding colors that clash.
each wall is a hue
of pink, orange or blue.
it's a beacon that's flashing: white trash.
"
"the witch wrote an eloquent verse
to disguise her most devious curse.
she spun metaphors so
the poor reader would go
up in flames?there's no need for a hearse.
"
"on monique's attestation we won.
in the end the defense was undone.
she described what he wore
as he entered the store,
and she knew he was toting a gun.
"
"they are filing a criminal suit,
since poor billy was caught with the loot
and a stick-em-up note,
which they're sure that he wrote?
now he's going to jail, the old coot.
"
"my dad can distinguish the call
of a bird, be it large or quite small.
he has learned every sound
that in nests can be found?
from the wren to the crow, one and all.
"
"when i braid amy's hair i attempt
to ensure she does not look unkempt.
i weave plaits?one or two;
it's the least i can do.
seems her mother pretends she's exempt.
"
"biting down on this might help you hear;
it's supposed to make voices more clear.
try this audiphone, sir.
yes, i'm sure you'll concur,
it works best in the mouth, not the ear.
"
"they have crippled our chance to create
any meaningful course, in this state,
for our children to learn.
is it thinking they spurn?
or just positive growth that they hate?
"
"when my parents broke up, i was sad.
and the battle for me, it got bad.
but when all's said and done
there could only be one?
my custodial parent is dad.
"
"this treaty was written to bind
several countries together.  we find
this confederal pact
won't for long stay intact
if the people are not of one mind.
"
"a crab-eating fox?  yes, indeed!
it's a brown south american breed.
they live in their lairs
as monogamous pairs;
on crustaceans they frequently feed.
"
"mildred's bossiness cuts to the quick,
so i hope you have skin that is thick.
i stay clear of her path
when she's spewing her wrath?
i would rather be whacked with a stick.
"
"in business, it's good to be shrewd.
but such craftiness could be deemed rude
when it's love that's at stake;
some may call you a rake?
so avoid using words that delude.
"
"you know hoops? he's concurrently dating
both peggy and marge; he's debating
which one he will take
for a cruise on the lake.
soon he's gonna get caught?we're just waiting.
"
"you'll be batting in order tonight
by your number instead of your height.
now, i know some will say
you can't do it that way?
they're invited to come make it right.
"
"who can stand all this mind-numbing pain?
when it's constant, it's always a drain.
there are pills that will dull
the loud drums in my skull?
will they keep me from going insane?
"
"two words are confusable when
where they differ's not easy to ken.
the effect, when detected,
on writers affected
might bring them to put down their pen.
"
"caveman dana refused to pick beans
and to harvest, by hand, all his greens;
so he built a quick picker
from granite and wicker?
'twas the dawn of the age of machines.
"
"this appropriator dressed all in black
is both cunning and swift to attack
any object that's bright;
and he crows with delight
from his nest.  no, he won't bring it back.
"
"it's a crime when conservable cash
is spent in a manner that's rash.
when the dollar is weak,
it's much wiser to seek
ways to save up a rainy-day stash.
"
"if you want to impress all your peers,
build desserts out of alternant tiers
of sponge cake and cream,
layered high as a dream?
you'll get round after round of loud cheers!
"
"don't expect i'll agree with you when
you do business with criminal men.
if you dumped the whole gang
(who, i'm sure, will soon hang),
i would act with accordancy then.
"
"every morning i wake to the scene
of a condo in need of a clean.
there is clutter galore
on the table and floor ?
but the dailiness makes it routine.
"
"chim chiminey, life sure looks grand
for us sweeps, glancing over the land
from the rooftops up high,
like black crows in the sky;
we are crocky, a soot-covered band.
"
"it is easy to damage the heart
of the tender young poet whose art
comes from deep in his soul.
you'll exact quite a toll
if you love him, then swiftly depart.
"
"on the streets of oaxaca you'll find
feral dogs; some are crippled or blind.
every flea-bitten cur
has a dark mangy fur,
and their temperaments aren't too kind.
"
"my mother is braiding my dress?
she is adding gold plaits to impress
the young men who will be
at cotillion to see
us young ladies they hope to caress.
"
"when stacking your wood for a fire
there's a method you ought to acquire.
let your sticks form a square;
lay them crosswise, each pair.
when aflame, it's a site to admire.
"
"they say, ""girl, you were born of good stock.""
but i know that they're trying to mock
the fact that my bones
are as dense as the stones
in the fences surrounding our flock.
"
"if you race 'round the world in a yacht,
you will sail past this southernmost spot.
sailors call it the horn;
the pacific is born
on this route, which most clipper ships sought.
"
"when weatherworn sailors tell tales
of the treacherous blowings and gales,
they oft mention the cape
and a narrow escape,
for good hope put that wind in their sails.
"
"my sister's a floozy and worse.
(she's been spending her nights in a hearse.)
she's been lucky, to date,
but one day she'll be ""late""?
and she'll wish she were blessed with ""the curse.""
"
"once a jockey, this author prevails
at exploring the many travails
of the lads and the horses
at england's fine courses.
he has spent many years braiding tales.
"
"to go fishin' i dig me some crawlers
cuz minnows, they cost a few dollars.
i ain't got me a dime,
but there's mountains of time
to hunt catfish down there in the hollers.
"
"as we wander this way, it's morality
that guides us far more than mortality:
pole to pole is our goal,
but free will takes its toll,
so we drift from a pure axiality.
"
"you klutz! you have chipped my good urn.
it will take you a year just to earn
enough money to pay
for the damage today.
yes, at times it is costly to learn.
"
"your honor, this claim is obscene
for some bicycle crunched in between
my new benz and a truck.
it was simply bad luck,
and the plaintiff is only thirteen!
"
"this out-of-date chintz makes me yell;
a new sofa would suit me quite well.
i'd like something unique?
not too trendy, yet chic,
in a plush aubergine brocatel.
"
"i'm a techno illiterate, true.
i resist all new gadgets, eschew
electronic epistles
with digital whistles?
a day-timer (datebook) will do.
"
"i have found it is often the rule,
in the fall, when we go back to school,
any surface contactable
bears some contractable
germs. so i clean like a fool.
"
"the concolor scheme of all-taupe
filled the french haute-couture with new hope.
but that monochrome style
has been dead for a while?
though it might suit a box or a rope.
"
"all along he'd been carefully groomed
for the test day that dauntingly loomed
full of pressures intense,
for the stakes were immense?
one mistake, and his future'd be doomed.
"
"our students are idle each summer;
i'm afraid they are all getting dummer.
so let's hire an amuser?
their teacher should choose her?
having fun shouldn't make them grow nummer.
"
"his athleticism made the girls swoon.
you could say they were over the moon
for this muscular jock;
every week they would flock
to his games?not a one was immune.
"
"datsun of mine took out a loan;
now he dodges each call on the phone.
guess i audi be mad
or else saab, feeling sad,
since i can't aford much of my own.
"
"the cutbacks our team has been makin'
are essential to savin' our bacon.
our losses are dire
and our loans soon expire?
we must tighten our belts or be taken.
"
"the evidence shows you're convictable,
and your sentence appears most predictable
for taking the life
of your innocent wife
whose neck was so soft and constrictable.
"
"being prudent does not make a prude.
it's unkind to be raunchy and crude
when your listener objects
to the darns and the hecks?
be considerate rather than rude.
"
"when the phelps' youngest daughter, named mary,
started playing the bass, they were wary.
it took up so much space,
and the walrus-sized case
was a bunglesome burden to carry.
"
"the stock market started to fall
in fall of '08, you'll recall.
it darkened our chances
of future advances.
those riding the wave lost it all.
"
"i befriended a skunk ? hey! don't freak!
yeah, i know he's a little ""unique"".
but the vet made him stinkless
(i'm not really that thinkless);
now we're buds ? does that make me a geek?
"
"the basenji is barkless, they say;
he doesn't say ""bow-wow"" or bay.
he just yodels instead
to get petted or fed.
don't expect him to woof when you play.
"
"you coagmented out in the sun.
we all witnessed as two became one.
now you're husband and wife
for the rest of your life?
hold on tight, for the fun's just begun.
"
"his dastardness bought him a grave
under rocks at the back of a cave.
with malicious intent
all his life had been spent
doing cowardly acts ? what a knave!
"
"asked the bride, ""shall we darken our room?""
""it's your choice,"" sighed the eager young groom.
she gazed deep in his eyes
and then, to his surprise,
she said, ""let's paint it black as a tomb.""
"
"he's connected, a part of the game,
a real player who's aiming for fame.
when his patrons unite
then his flame will glow bright?
good or bad, we will all know his name.
"
"my mother and i had this fight;
and i know for a fact i am right!
i am not going back
'til she cuts me some slack?
can i crash on your sofa tonight?
"
"i am thrilled with each new dollar bill
as it comes from the bank teller's till.
it has crispness unsoiled
that soon will be spoiled
when my cup, once again, needs a fill.
"
"i buy veggies from farmers in town
who grow produce of highest renown.
what i can't eat today
i'll tuck safely away:
in the crisper my greens won't go brown.
"
"when the age of enlightenment dawned,
a new way of thinking was spawned.
foundations were laid,
discoveries made,
as the classical thinkers just yawned.
"
"twas a chanceable meeting for chris:
he encountered this wonderful miss,
and together they walked
through the park, laughed and talked.
till her father arrived, it was bliss.
"
"accustomary though it may be
for some others, i'm not one to flee.
when the sea brings a gale
with high winds and big hail?
a typhoon?  makes no difference to me.
"
"we have suffered some damage you say?
those rebels tossed tea in the bay?
there'll be no greater harm,
so no cause for alarm!
they're not dumping our king?just earl grey.
"
"looking out at the sea, i feel glad
when i think of the times that we had
with our dreams still in reach.
now they're stones on the beach;
as they crunch underfoot, i feel sad.
"
"while star-gazing saturday night,
caveman dana saw one become bright.
he exclaimed ""oh, what fun!
i will call this the sun.""
then it dawned on him: he'd seen the light.
"
"if you're playin' a rhythm that's sweet,
before long, we'll be tappin' our feet.
be it swing, jazz or rap,
or that lame techno crap,
all we need is a danceable beat.
"
"another long day has begun
and my father is up with the sun.
all the cows in the shed
will get milked as they're fed ?
a dairyman's work's never done.
"
"dr no's evil schemes meant to kill
agent 007? a thrill!
has he never yet thought
that his plans are as naught,
when the dauntless james bond's on the bill?
"
"escaping a blind date with sally,
he ran dartingly down the side alley.
he zigged past a car
and he zagged, though not far,
before sally caught up and got ""pally"".
"
"the concludency of the contrived
so-called ""data"" your partner derived
from a hoax was a crime.
now you both will do time,
given none of your patients survived.
"
"halloween! here's our chance to confuse
and thus consternate parents?our ruse:
we give candy to kids
who'll at once flip their lids?
it's a ploy that we dentists all use.
"
"missie phelps thought her singing was grand
when she sang in her all-woman band.
she would confidently burst
into songs they'd rehearsed,
but it never went quite as she planned.
"
"our yard has an increase of sogginess
and mom says it's reached a new bogginess.
my dad's in it deep
and he won't get to sleep
'til the sewer line's cleared of its clogginess.
"
"when the formula's wrong for your glass
then the alkalis often will pass
to the surface and cause
minute crizzling; these flaws
make your heirloom now worthless, alas.
"
"when you damaged my car and then ran,
you were acting the cowardly man.
now, believe me, i'll sue
you for damages due.
i will take you for all that i can.
"
"for cragginess i would suggest
south dakota's black hills are the best.
narrow canyons, sharp walls?
their rough loneliness calls
the world's heartiest souls to the test.
"
"the grandkids are squealing with glee
as they bounce upon grandpappy's knee.
he gives each one a chance
to both gallop and prance?
he's the world's greatest dandler to me.
"
"our young cat's going nuts in the hall,
taking leaps at the spots on the wall
in a state of pure frazzlement.
he can't catch the dazzlement
that's flashed off my new disco ball.
"
"a daisy-shaped wheel filled the need
for a printer endowed with more speed.
on this wheel made of metal,
the right symbol-graced ""petal""
would strike as each letter was keyed.
"
"no matter what method we try,
our basement is never quite dry.
there's a dampness throughout
we can never wring out?
and the mildew! i think i will cry.
"
"many comics will bank on their lewdness
and their jokes are all weighed by their rudeness;
they are base and maligning.
in truth, they're declining?
they must overcome all this crudeness.
"
"i draw comfort in knowing you're well;
you've revived from your recent bad spell.
since your health has been heightened,
my burden has lightened?
quite frankly, you've put me through hell!
"
"he is constant?he's truly devout.
he won't waver; we've no need to doubt.
if a day or two passes,
with no word to the masses,
have no fear?for he'll never bow out.
"
"a constrictable rodent fell prey
to a connoisseur boa today.
this delectable prize
was compressed into size
and washed down with a fine chardonnay.
"
"full-scale dairying's not for the weak;
daily chores keep you grounded and meek.
you've a herd to maintain
whether snow, sleet or rain ?
your vacationing prospects are bleak.
"
"lex luthor, that odious man,
has devised a most devious plan
to bring superman down
and take over our town?
he's got kryptonite locked in a can.
"
"in the treatment of hodgkin's they use
toxic powder that's known to defuse
an unchecked melanoma
or growing sarcoma?
dacarbazine's what they will choose.
"
"the kidnappers made a demand:
""you must pay (in small bills) eighty grand
or you won't see your girl.""
and they sent us a curl
as the proof that they have her in hand.
"
"he defalcated funds from our shop
by skimming some cash off the top.
he was caught with three mil
and his hand in the till
in a sting by an irs cop.
"
"your contrariant faction will send
all the chances we have to attend
any conference on peace
(which could gain the release
of our troops) to a pitiful end.
"
"i love to wear shoes that are prancy
and dresses both flowing and fancy
when i shimmy and glide,
with my beau at my side,
to a samba that's rhythmic and dancy.
"
"when it's summer the lassies delight
in the daisied dales all dappled white.
with the blooms they make chains
that they braid through their manes?
for young suitors, a fanciful sight!
"
"what you see on the outside is coolness,
but that man has two sides; it's a dualness.
when he's home with his wife,
he brings nothing but strife;
he is nasty and mean?that's his cruelness.
"
"your attempts here to dastardize me
will not meet with success. you will see
i am not one to cower
from counterfeit power?
i doubt you could bully a flea.
"
"when tv is broadcasting live
there's a three-second lapse (maybe five).
this delay lets the guys
with the stuffed shirts and ties
hit the ""bleep"" when the talk takes a dive.
"
"we'll deaden the nerves in your arm;
rest assured, this will not cause you harm.
once it's numb we'll proceed
with the leeches, to bleed
out your illness?it works like a charm.
"
"my mother's a hostess of note.
she's attentive and likely to dote
on the friends she invites
with her fresh baked delights.
of her cordialness, often i'll gloat.
"
"the school board's demanding compliance.
they'll try to enforce the alliance
we formed to ensure
that our rules could endure?
to abjure would be utter defiance.
"
"they've postponed and have set a new date.
their deferral means now we must wait
sixty days 'til we learn
if the witches will burn?
here in salem it's quite the debate.
"
"the defendant said, ""i didn't do it!
here's my proof, but you need to pursue it.""
he then gave us the name
of the person to blame.
the jury, though, chose to eschew it.
"
"to debilitate (weaken) your foe,
you should taunt him and deal him a blow,
make him suffer and sweat,
be as mean as they get,
box his ear, bite his nose, break his toe.
"
"if there's one thing old leaders enjoy,
it's to send out, position, deploy
their young soldiers at night
who are ready to fight
and engage in a seek and destroy.
"
"the will of my now defunct aunt
issued this, a most menacing taunt:
""though i once called you niece,
you'll no longer find peace?
you're the one i have chosen to haunt.""
"
"from the dairy comes yogurt and cheese,
sweet cream butter, and ice cream to freeze,
when the milk is combined,
separated, refined,
or is aged to make products that please.
"
"when i look at your website, i think
that the functions for searching all stink.
your main page doesn't show
which direction to go.
what it lacks is a useful deep link.
"
"even though i may look a strange sight
when i speak, all my teeth clamped down tight,
i am not a ventriloquist,
just a dentiloquist?
my tone is as tight as my bite.
"
"there's a creek bed that winds through our dale.
as a kid, i would dream i could sail
in my frail paper skiffs
to the sea, past the cliffs
of old dover, and chase a great whale.
"
"we are struck by our project's illusiveness;
there's no cure we can find for abusiveness.
we keep hoping a way
will appear any day,
but we're blinding ourselves with delusiveness.
"
"his clinic on smoking cessation
is working; it's his presentation.
he's clouding each room
with his forecasts of doom
and of dreams stripped away by temptation.
"
"i have found that it's crazy to measure
the delightfulness of a small treasure.
my nephew enjoys
a loud toy that annoys,
and my dad dissects gnats at his leisure.
"
"i was going to visit my gram,
but the traffic was all in a jam.
a tram was derailed
by a nanny who failed
to heed signals while pushing her pram.
"
"molly phelps truly hopes to get back
to a place where her life is on track.
as a teen she derailed;
her attempts since have failed,
and the future, for her, fades to black.
"
"i've been deafened by years on the line
with machines and their mind-numbing whine.
now my hearing is lost
(and at quite a high cost).
still, the silence at last seems divine.
"
"at dawn, it's the lark's sweet delight
and his music that brings me respite.
he can deafen the sound
of the traffic around,
and his song makes my whole world seem right.
"
"as a shrimp, gina's not a bad egg,
but this decapod's well known to beg:
""mommy, why can't i swim
with that octopus, tim?
i would whack off a leg and a leg.""
"
"when a boy joined menudo he knew
that his years in this boy-band were few.
for when puberty hit
his voice deepened a bit
and his days on the stage were all through.
"
"almer?a in spain sounded grand.
where's the beach? we are here to get tanned!
no phoenician resort,
just a bustling port.
we got burned, and my agent got canned!
"
"southern cal. is the place you will find
hillside blossoms that help you unwind.
with the loveliest hue,
these sweet bells of deep blue
bring reflections of summer to mind.
"
"you know tapas? they're tiny but yummy,
and my children concur that they're nummy.
these delices slip
from my lip to my hip
and have added a pooch to my tummy.
"
"hey there tough guy, you think you're so derf
and the boss over all of this turf?
i got news for ya buddy
you're about to get muddy
and bruised?gonna gimme my nerf?
"
"they say russian roulette is a game
that is chanceful and likely to maim.
one in six, that's the chance
that you've danced your last dance?
is that bullet inscribed with your name?
"
"her mood has been dampy: she's blue.
there's no joy in her life, it is true.
she has sorrow and gloom,
she brings woe to a room?
when i'm near her, my mood darkens too.
"
"this pizza's depertible, see?
i'll divide it in wedges, so we
can enjoy the same share?
equal portions seem fair.
the whole pie will be sliced up for three.
"
"sergeant pepper's old boys always meet
to play drums in a house down the street.
since they deafened their pad,
all their neighbours are glad:
now they can't hear a sound from that beat.
"
"the hecklers were boisterous and loud.
""but they shall not affect me!"" he vowed.
""let them holler and hoot!
guys, i'm ready to shoot.""
and he turned a deaf ear to the crowd.
"
"our new moat filled with sharks is defensive
and has mum feeling less apprehensive.
we have not been attacked
since the hammerheads snacked?
the bit villain had wounds, quite extensive.
"
"i'll depauperize all of my clan.
no more poorhouse for us?i've a plan!
i've a line on a horse
(he's a long shot of course)
from my bookie, a trustworthy man.
"
"at our spa, there's a visit we hate:
when the state comes to check out the state
of our rooms and our charts
and our food-service carts?
if they're all in compliance, it's great!
"
"from ash wednesday to easter i fast,
and dry bread is my only repast.
i deny myself sweets,
coffee, beer and all meats.
(there are years when i hardly can last.)
"
"in april of 1906
san francisco was knocked off its bricks.
when the big one hit town
it took everything down
to a jumble of mortar and sticks.
"
"the internet's spawned a new breed
of businesses, filling the need
of the on-line deal seeker
and store-window peeker?
clicks-and-mortar's their way to succeed.
"
"as a fast-food defier i try
to steer clear of those places that fry
all their grub in a vat
full of gut-building fat?
i am not a ""large fries with that!"" guy.
"
"your defensive behavior's a clue
that there's something amiss. (so what's new?)
am i sensing you feel
that you got a raw deal,
and the shoplifting charge isn't true?
"
"wormwood's dealings are shady, we're told?
he would sell his own mother for gold.
when he's tempting a fool
he will use any tool?
screwtape's hoping another is sold.
"
"by redoubling our efforts we'll solve
this conundrum with deepened resolve.
we will find a good drug
that will kill off this bug
just before it has time to evolve.
"
"our battle's about to begin;
with chanting and pickets we'll win!
we'll cry, ""out with the old!
give us bread without mold!""
we shall demonstrate 'til they give in.
"
"the soviet girls' swimming team
were all known to employ special cream
on their lips and their chins
to remove hairy grins?
russian depilator worked like a dream.
"
"bless your presence, illustrious sir!
as i'm sure that you soon will concur,
savile row boasts no finer
handmade cloaks; our designer
creates wonders from velvet and fur.
"
"the defeminization of pets
is how owners quite often meet vets.
before tomcats come playing,
miss kitty needs spaying
(a move that one seldom regrets).
"
"martin deepened his hole in the ground
to the bedrock, then ran ? for he found
a mysterious fault
in the heavy basalt
that produced the most blood-chilling sound.
"
"the d.a. should be put in his place;
his performance was such a disgrace.
his key witnesses lied
and the judge has decried
how he led this defectuous case.
"
"when my sister brings over her tots,
their spills leave my carpet with  spots.
once they've gone, i will rush
with detersive and brush,
and the worst ones i'll cover with pots.
"
"cultivation's the key to good crops,
and without it your volume soon drops.
so take time to prepare
all your fields with great care
using methods you learned from your pops.
"
"i'd embarked on a grand master scheme
to bring to fruition my dream,
but delayed taking hold
of my life; i was sold
on embracing the good of the team.
"
"john's defection was quite a surprise.
his devotion was simply a guise
to enchant a young miss
into marital bliss?
his affectionate ways were all lies.
"
"sly sy is a midnight conniver,
a drag-racing, light-running  driver.
though he schemes with his crew
he's had wrecks (quite a few);
he's a deal-with-the-devil survivor.
"
"you must keep all your fluids in check
from the tip of your toes to your neck.
if those levels grow low
the effects clearly show:
dehydration will make you a wreck.
"
"ol' billy's a mighty fine curer.
his recipes couldn't be surer.
his alder-smoked fish?
it tastes simply delish,
and his bacon and ham cause a furor.
"
"douglas fairbanks was known to disparage
the life-ending sacrament, marriage.
so each time he was groomed,
this proud stallion, he broughammed:
he would promply run off with his carriage.
"
"we can demonstrate how to climb trees,
how to cook, or steal honey from bees.
we will show how it's done,
so our students, as one,
can repeat what they've seen with great ease.
"
"when you toast that new bride of poor dan,
use constraint, since you are his best man.
you'll be bound for rebuff
if you speak off the cuff?
so be prudent: prepare a prim plan.
"
"my dear friend, your compliance is great,
and whenever we meet for a date
you will always agree
on the venue with me,
so my outings with you are first-rate.
"
"we're a happy co-authoring pair
whose submissions you may want to share.
we've a hundred now posted
(a count we've just toasted).
each one counts: some define, some add flair.
"
"when i visit my brother today,
they will limit how long i can stay:
i'm confined for an hour
to his cell, feeling dour?
but that's nothing to him: he's ""away.""
"
"when young neptune was told ""clean your room"",
he would foam, disregarding his broom.
but to ward off jove's wrath,
he'd still skim off the froth
from the waves ? hence despume, we presume.
"
"by a long shot, he's favored to win,
though i'm willing to bet you a fin.
i am sure you can guess
that the boys of the press
have been taking us all for a spin.
"
"i like books that are clean, rated g,
so this new one's too dirty for me.
with these stable boys stripping
and bodices ripping?
alarms in my mind say to flee.
"
"a method for crispening toast,
when you're camping, is simply to roast
one side at a time
(browning bread smells sublime)
on a grill, for a minute at most.
"
"the ghosts in the attic are loud.
they are clattering chains and i've vowed,
""kill the clanking tonight
or you'll meet father white
who'll evict your whole sheet-wearing crowd.""
"
"he came crawling on back to his wife
with a promise to clean up his life.
no more nights at the track;
would she dare take him back?
his contrition?it cut like a knife.
"
"the bubble top  made for the pope
is of bulletproof glass ? here's the dope:
as his car slowly passes,
he waves to the masses.
one glimpse of the pontiff brings hope.
"
"my big story's confirmable, true,
as i told that old sarge and his crew.
you suspect it's a scam,
but i'm clean as a lamb?
would i lie to the brave men in blue?
"
"to commemorate, here on this field,
the confederate sons who would yield
up their lives in a quest
for what they saw as best,
a new statue, in bronze, was revealed.
"
"when the seventh grade band hits the street,
on the last day of school, it's a treat.
you'll hear trumpets that blat,
clarinets that are flat,
and the cymbals all clashing off beat.
"
"if your line's not availably shown,
your market advantage is blown.
for your profits to rise
there's one thing i'll advise:
just display all those gowns that you've sewn.
"
"go comfort your sister, she's sad
since her sleaze of a husband's gone bad.
he's been drinking with cronies,
out betting the ponies,
and picking up hookers ? the cad!
"
"my immune system's under attack.
i feel crappy; my health's out of whack.
for my sore throat and sneeze,
raging fever and wheeze,
i need drugs, then i'm hitting the sack.
"
"the charity stripe can be gold
to a player who's got it controlled.
but don't look to shaq
'cuz he ain't got the knack?
he's the one other teams love to hold.
"
"daisy fleabane's resistant to drought
and will grow where the grass has dried out.
though once thought to repel
pesky fleas with its smell,
scratch that theory; it's riddled with doubt.
"
"if your calf's feeling crampy they say,
""you must eat more bananas each day.""
that will get muscles moving
and soon you'll be grooving?
you're in need of a good dose of k.
"
"if the bobber goes down hold on tight!
it's a sign that you may have a bite.
don't get hasty, just wait,
or you might lose your bait
when the fish snags your worm and takes flight!
"
"sir, your curship's revealed in the strip
that now runs from your neck to your hip.
it's a bright yellow sign
that you haven't a spine?
you're a coward; your courage is zip.
"
"we have suffered delays in the past
and our backlog has always amassed.
now our schedule's designed
to avoid any bind
in production; the fail-safes are vast.
"
"bunco kelly collected a fee
for each man he conscripted to sea.
he grew fat on his crimpage
from harborside pimpage?
those liquor-soaked lads couldn't flee.
"
"my boss, when he's drunk, can be snide
and make comments i just can't abide.
if the man has a drink
his behavior will stink;
when he's acting this crassly i hide.
"
"the crossbower loads a new bolt;
he is ready to lead the revolt.
first he draws back his bow,
then takes aim at his foe ?
he's shot dead in his tracks by a colt.
"
"argentinian ranchers' worst plight
is the desmodont's blood-sucking bite.
their bottom line's slipping?
in red ink it's dripping?
this bat drains their cattle each night.
"
"he faithfully watches the polls,
weighs and measures the candidates' goals.
but he's never yet voted,
'cuz the ballots get toted
on the night he devotedly bowls.
"
"the desk, in my office, looks out
on a hallway that's used as the route
to the dead room; i see
each one ferried past me?
""walk faster!"" i'm tempted to shout!
"
"to find comfort and soften his pain
he drank daily and deadened his brain,
downing gin, whiskey, rum
just to make himself numb?
all this boozing has left him insane.
"
"rainbow phelps goes around giving hugs
to the trees, spotted owls, and bugs.
but when no one's in sight
she takes evil delight
in defiantly stomping on slugs.
"
"for decades the government's waste
has ensured that our land was defaced.
they've been stripping our nation
through deforestation
of old-growth that can't be replaced.
"
"the damara's angolan, a breed
that's rugged and able to feed
on small bushes and trees
and resist most disease.
as for water, they have little need.
"
"the decedent (his name's billy bob)
choked to death, when he stuffed his great gob.
had he cut up his sole
and not swallowed it whole,
he'd be with us today, the old slob.
"
"herman phelps, the poor sucker, was doomed;
in the church on the hill his fate loomed.
he was shaking with dread
out of fear he'd be dead
as a doornail. much worse: he was groomed.
"
"to ensure you cut once, measure twice;
be precise when you're ready to slice.
your precision, in fact,
must be dead-on, exact.
lack definitude? you'll pay the price.
"
"her grace and good manners were news;
she was never the type to misuse
her late husband's good name.
though her title brought fame,
her decorousness wasn't a ruse.
"
"i'd say kittens are breastless, unless
you're describing the kind who will dress
in a top that reveals
that which likely appeals
to a pair of old cads (just a guess).
"
"a dall, taken in by a scam,
told three goats, ""i'm now stuck in a jam;
i have lost all my dough.""
the big bucks said, ""we know.
you were fleeced by a ram on the lam.""
"
"""i'm the deci-mator"" billy bob cried
as he swaggered, his chest puffed with pride.
""now you best clear this path,
i'm the king of new math?
i've licked metrics!"" (but billy bob lied.)
"
"doctor jones, could you loosen this cuff?
it's too tight and the fabric is rough.
let me give you a clue:
all my fingers are blue!
now my blood pressure's gone high enough.
"
"that mean dentist is surely at fault
for not stopping; i clearly said, ""halt!""
i was bent on beheadin' her
since she didn't use deadener?
my poor gums were not numb; that's assault!
"
"for endearment there's nothing more cheery
than my grandma's affectionate dearie.
it's old-fashioned and sweet
and to hear it's a treat
on a day that's been draining and dreary.
"
"since the judge snuffed my scheme with his gavel,
all my dreams have begun to unravel.
he curtailed my mean plan
to sell bombs in iran:
i am now serving life, and can't travel!
"
"caveman dana said: ""ouch! caveman dave?
all the bones in my back misbehave.
if you dartle my spine,
i am sure i'll feel fine.""
(acupuncture began in a cave.)
"
"to daintify boys isn't right:
they'll appear as wet sissies on sight.
in their prissy attire
they are bound to inspire
classroom bullies to push for a fight.
"
"my car has some customization,
some top of the line fabrication.
i have added some stripes,
high-end wheels, shiny pipes.
it's more hobby than mere transportation.
"
"the results you present are confutable?
your logic is highly disputable.
my next paper will show
you have nowhere to go.
(though for cash, my opinion is mutable.)
"
"we received heavy damage today
from the storm that has caused disarray.
there are thirty trees down,
we've lost power in town,
and our mobile home fell in the bay.
"
"he stared dazedly up at the sky,
watching billowy clouds drifting by.
every one took the shape
of a means to escape
from his life ? how he wished he could fly.
"
"you're a tanner or maker of shoes?
then crispin's the patron to choose,
or crispinian, his brother,
for one's like the other.
they're cobblers? depends on one's views.
"
"as compartners we worked as a team
to bring hope to a village. our dream:
a new clinic, a well
and a market to sell
all their goods ? they regained their esteem.
"
"autonomic, this system will serve,
with a network of many a nerve,
to keep your blood flowing,
your endocrines going.
it's a system we ought to preserve.
"
"some say paisley and polka dots clash,
and i can't wear the bright purple sash
with my red velvet hat.
why must this match with that?
how'd my gauchos end up in the trash?
"
"he was spelling with ease till a twitch
in his brain caused a mighty big glitch.
though for weeks he'd rehearsed,
he was suddenly cursed
for he didn't know which witch was which.
"
"graduation day, life has begun
for my couch-bound directionless son.
he says, ""mom, take a pill
i've got time now to chill.
i'll make plans when i'm done having fun.""
"
"when he spoke off the cuff, people laughed
at his blunders?they thought he was daft.
did he really believe
he could read from his sleeve?
but ad-libbing's an art, not a craft.
"
"my pa grew up poorer than dirt;
his suit, worn to church, had no shirt.
but his ma, who was tricky,
made a white muslin dickey,
(mock shirtfront) with ruffles so pert.
"
"when a baby is deadborn, that's sad.
it leaves a bereft mom and dad
with no infant to raise,
to adore and to praise,
to see bloom as a lass or a lad.
"
"fresh strawberries, sparkling white wine?
demerse one in the other: divine.
or sink sloes deep within
a small glass full of gin.
those are treats your sweet love won't decline.
"
"creatorship goes to the one
who made everything under the sun.
he formed with his hands
all the waters and lands,
and the garden where satan had fun.
"
"i'm honored by your nomination
requesting i serve this great nation.
this may come as a blow,
but i must tell you no.
please accept my sincere declination.
"
"they were on the defensive all night
yet, at daybreak, by ""dawn's early light,""
that great banner did ""wave
o'er the land"" ""of the brave,""
and an anthem was born from the sight.
"
"hey, copper, these cuffs are too tight
on my wrists; dude, i ain't gonna fight.
i got nowhere to run
and you sucked all the fun
from my drunk and debaucherous night.
"
"see that deadman? it's off to your right.
that's the point we'll make fast for the night.
there's no corpse on the shore?
it's that block where we'll moor.
get ashore, mate, and tie us down tight.
"
"for lunch i'd prefer the grilled cheese,
tangy brick from wisconsin, oh, please!
it melts so much better
than colby or cheddar
and the taste makes me weak in the knees.
"
"when i'm cuffing a drunk i've detained,
he will beg to be left unrestrained.
but those handcuffs (cinched tight)
i have found will invite
tearful tales and a wish he'd abstained.
"
"your depletory spending will sink
our fine diner; we're now on the brink
of a month without profit.
you better lay off it ?
your wastefulness drives me to drink.
"
"as long as a duchy's defendable,
the title of duke is descendible:
the eldest inherits
regardless of merits
(a practice not always commendable).
"
"""dig my digs, dude?"" ""they're totally rad.
how'd you score such a righteous new pad?""
""there's a cat, knows my girl,
said he'd give us a whirl,
so we're parkin' it here."" ""not too bad.""
"
"my dress for the emmys was natty,
but in pictures i looked like a fatty.
the hemline kept shifting;
my knickers kept drifting?
the creepage was driving me batty.
"
"just hearing the name made me quiver.
""black disease,"" said our vet, with a shiver.
""you will lose all your stock,
both your herd and your flock
from this germ and those flukes in the liver.""
"
"ol' doc phelps is a curer of ills;
he has lotions and potions and pills.
with his remedy kit,
he will soon have you fit.
but be warned: he sends very large bills!
"
"come and dine on the cuff at mcgee's.
you can order whatever you please,
and you won't have to pay.
it is gratis today?
our specialty's baked mac and cheese.
"
"the dearness of friendship is clear,
when teenagers sit ear to ear.
they are sisters at heart
who've vowed never to part;
it's a treasure that's grown year to year.
"
"in complete decimation we find
the death of one-tenth of a kind.
when the koi got so plump
they could no longer jump,
i found ""sushi"" kept crossing my mind.
"
"half a pint of sweet strychnine-spiced cider;
a green mamba; a black-widow spider:
what links all these things?
their deadliness stings,
because each is a poison provider.
"
"please confine what you say in your speech:
if you're using big words, you won't reach
all the laymen who come,
and you'll make them feel dumb.
you must read more, and practice; then preach.
"
"as i ponder the civilisation
of rome?its deterioration?
i see parallels now,
so i'm wondering how
we might fend off our own declination.
"
"i sat cornerwise when i was nine
and a schoolgirl who got out of line.
i spent days in my chair
where i'd quietly stare
at a spider whose web was divine.
"
"your performance was deemed deadly boring;
both your critics and fans started snoring.
all agree that it's true:
no one bores them like you.
so your next public show i'm ignoring.
"
"would you stand by your man with a gun?
are you true or just in it for fun?
would you pay off his debt?
would you aid and abet?
just how deep does your loyalty run?
"
"""howdy vern. say, how deep is your well?""
""it's about eighty feet. what's up, mel?
think your cat's fallen in?""
""no, my wife, becky-lynn.""
""well, i guess that explains the odd smell.""
"
"when given a nice invitation
to a black-tie and tux celebration
that you cannot attend
it is best if you send
a concise and polite declination.
"
"""hey, maurice, i'd a been here lots sooner
if i'd knowed you was makin' dejuener.""
""s'il vous pla?t, go away,
here we say d?jeuner.""
maurice cringed, ""lunch chez nous is no nooner.""
"
"the cremationist shuns a big stone
and a hole in the ground of his own.
in the furnace he'll burn,
and to ash he'll return,
and then fill a big urn all alone.
"
"""i'm afraid, i shall have to dishabit
the fox from his den,"" said the rabbit.
""that villain must go;
though his house is, i know,
just a hole in the ground, i will grab it.""
"
"when june plays a tune on her lute,
and bill tries a trill on his flute,
her chords and his mordent
are always discordant?
their keys are in constant dispute.
"
"in the war you designed a machine
that turned code-breaking into routine.
since my wife's such a rambler,
please build a descrambler
to tell what on earth she might mean.
"
"our highly developed new pet
has co-authored a book with his vet.
we'd improved his phonetics
through human genetics.
(this combo we've come to regret.)
"
"a whale from the cold beaufort sea,
the beluga, he roams wild and free.
his diminutive size
once made him a prize?
he's protected by acs plea.
"
"i'm a sniper?don't ask me my name,
but beware my dead accurate aim.
i can snuff out a mark
in the daylight or dark;
i will kill, not just hurt, wound or maim.
"
"when you're buying a car you must dicker.
so, to get the best terms, be much slicker
than the salesman who'll try
to convince you to buy
at the price that is shown on the sticker.
"
"this fortress, my liege, is defendable,
and our weapons of war are dependable;
you cannot be harmed
from outside?we're well-armed
for defence. we're all brave and commendable.
"
"searching deep in her wide-open eyes,
i forget all around. how time flies
when you're deeply engrossed
with the sight you love most.
i'm an oculist: there my heart lies.
"
"the date line's not straight pole to pole.
it skirts caroline island. the goal?
kiribati's now one
nation under the sun?
nudging east of this pristine atoll.
"
"deburring a cat is a skill
that requires an intractable will.
plucking thorns out of fur
won't elicit a purr
but a howl that says: i'm gonna kill!
"
"the young daddy wants just the right toy
to bring home to his new baby boy.
with an ear-to-ear grin,
he can't keep it all in?
he's just bubbling over with joy.
"
"we disfranchise you here in the pen.
you've lost rights given freely to men.
it's your guilty conviction
that brought this restriction ?
you'll vote in, well, five years or ten.
"
"decantation's a skill you're required
to possess, sommelier, to be hired.
when you're pouring bordeaux
keep the sediments low
in the bottle, or else you'll be fired.
"
"the rolex you've bought is declarable
and the luxury tax on it's terrible.
but there's one simple way
to keep customs at bay:
your new high-ticket item is wearable.
"
"beware of the customs, my boy,
when you hide a declarable toy.
for it's really a drag
when they dig through your bag
and uncover your contraband joy.
"
"conservatively speaking we're toast:
we've a week left to live, at the most.
for our water supply
is about to run dry,
and our food?  it just gave up the ghost.
"
"""i bought corn cakes, in hope of a snack,
on a visit down south,"" said jean-jacques.
""this american craze,
making bread out of maize,
left me praying i'm never sent back!""
"
"my grandpa's old ford's really neat,
and to go for a ride is a treat.
all us kids, we can pack
on the dickey in back?
seven cousins in one fold-up seat.
"
"they went bouldering boldly all day,
and that night they collapsed in the hay.
as he held her, she groaned,
""i'm so tired 'getting stoned'.
think you're getting your rocks off? no way!""
"
"baked beans have a taste without peer.
they're outstanding with burgers and beer.
but try dining with class
when great volumes of gas
keep expressing themselves from your rear.
"
"she tenderly kissed and caressed me.
her fingertips slowly undressed me.
but we'd both failed to see
there was cctv,
and the outcome has truly depressed me.
"
"samuel beckett wrote many a word
that his audience found quite absurd.
should they clap? should they boo?
did they know? not a clue!
brains befuddled, they ran with the herd.
"
"aurangzeb, lord of all hindustan,
built a great mogul empire. his plan
was extremely bad news
for the sikhs and hindus,
and for all who eschewed the koran.
"
"ad impression's the same as ad view.
isn't one term enough? why use two?
why must marketing men,
again and again,
dream up two terms when one term will do?
"
"i called my advisory teacher
to grovel and softly beseech her
to please treat me nice,
though i'd spurned her advice.
she made clear that my words failed to reach her.
"
"the cabinet minister's lot,
history tells us, as likely as not,
is to barter his soul
scaling life's greasy pole,
and to exit derided?or shot!
"
"a celebrated young politician,
though feted, felt forced to contrition
when caught by the press
in a state of undress,
whilst adopting a bold new position.
"
"on the web there are banners to view
that attempt to sell products to you.
but these ad views are bad
(it's a view i've long 'ad)
and they rarely add up to a sou.
"
"the challis of sally's chemise
was a fabric unlikely to please.
it was printed with dots
that resembled the spots
of a rare and unpleasant disease.
"
"it's to chancellorship one aspires:
holding court in a world of high-fliers,
encouraging knowledge,
much dining in college,
and in situ until one expires.
"
"it's such fun to dance in our chorus.
how our parents and teachers adore us!
though there's poor alice bone,
who is twenty-three stone
and cavorts like a drunk brontosaurus.
"
"an obscene and disgusting old dude
had no manners. he'd chank all his food.
then, prior to starting
prolonged bouts of farting,
he'd pick at his teeth?in the nude.
"
"chocks away, wing commander, let's fly
to our destiny, high in the sky!
we'll annihilate jerry,
and then we'll make merry
(assuming, of course, we don't die).
"
"he sat down on the arid champaign
and surveyed the flat, dusty terrain,
thinking, ""why's no-one here?""
just before, from the rear,
he encountered the 3.30 train.
"
"sir humphrey, whilst chairing the meeting,
accused fellow members of cheating.
it's clear from the minute
he'd dropped himself in it.
the result? his unseemly unseating.
"
"a young chinese chef, name of zhao,
was addicted to using  cacao.
big li, the town mobster,
was served chocolate lobster.
like the dish, chef's now ""off"" ? don't ask hao!
"
"greedy aphides gorged on my fruits.
do they care? no, they don't give two hoots!
but a ddt spree
(deadly dose?trouble-free!)
will bring hope, once again, for green shoots.
"
"who invented tv then? who dared?
why, a scotsman, named john logie baird.
thanks to this brilliant jock
children no longer talk.
they just gawp from their sofas, ensnared.
"
"""we first were fried crisp, but then split.
on this hot baked potato we sit
together with chives
who were chopped up with knives.""
so tells us a crushed bacon bit.
"
"our new chef has now brought us disfame
because of a media claim.
they say he stews cats
and roasts pigeons and rats!
on the menu it's called urban game.
"
"guido's pushing up daisies with sal
and taking a dirt nap with hal.
they are worm food, asleep
in a hole six feet deep
'cuz they messed with the godfather's gal.
"
"for that michelin star the chef bows
to a menu the critic allows:
so he'll dish out a meal
of no second-class veal,
having known (by first name) all the cows.
"
"you do a diskindness to boys
when comparing the size of their toys.
their egos deflate
and they'll feel second-rate
till they get something big that makes noise.
"
"it seems jacob's again in a pout?
he has lost all his humorous clout.
he can verbally jab
and sarcastically stab,
but can't take what he's quick to dish out.
"
"having worked like a mule in the hills,
i get dished out my pay in small bills.
like an ass, now i think
all this cash is for drink,
since my envelope's stuffed to the gills.
"
"the champ knew his luck had run dry
and his chance at a win had slipped by.
he had made a mistake,
sunk the cue ball on break:
this disheartening move made him cry.
"
"a disqualifying foul was just made
and the league's set the price to be paid:
you've been mean on the field
and your actions will yield
a suspension from games yet unplayed.
"
"i intend to disown my whole clan,
change my name and escape if i can.
i will sever my ties
with their cons and their lies
if a judge will agree; that's the plan.
"
"tony bennett, the great balladeer,
cried, ""i hope i am wrong, but i fear
that my heart's back in frisco,
mislaid in a disco,
and where is my musical ear?""
"
"your review in this recent back issue?
my intention's to use it for tissue.
i should sniff, ""do i care?""
but you weren't even there!
if you died, surely no one would miss you.
"
"had my father warned, ""darling, ca'canny"",
as i set off to visit my granny,
i'd have sussed ""grandma hood"",
was a horrid no-good
and a devious wolverine tranny.
"
"first discovered one fine christmas day,
it's an island of fun, so they say,
set in tropical climes.
you'll have wonderful times?
here it's christmas each day in the bay.
"
"our chancellor's taxing us dry,
with a relish he cannot deny.
come next year's election
we'll force his ejection,
and cheerfully wave him goodbye.
"
"declared baldwin, ""though germany's arming,
i see no need to find this alarming.
i sent halifax there,
and he found, to be fair,
that the nazis were perfectly charming.""
"
"in chinatown, restaurants galore
serve the dishes i truly adore.
tonight, though, no luck:
when the house peking duck
walked and quacked i was shocked to the core!
"
"censoriously did she stare
at my frilly red lace underwear.
i said, ""ma, this attire
will set men on fire,""
but her scorn (like my bum) was laid bare.
"
"proclaimed caesar, ""friends, romans, i'm here!
with the dread ides of march drawing near.""
said cassius, ""brutus,
the gods, how they suit us.
it's time to 'nail caesar' old dear.""
"
"the news this advance poll affords,
that i'm shunned by the ignorant hordes,
though disheartening to see,
surely won't bother me,
when i sneer at them all from the lords.
"
"unlike porter, when out on the plain
i get many a kick from champaign.
this is true, even though
(look up lerner and loewe)
much rain stays there?especially in spain.
"
"i received a citatory form
(a communiqu? far from the norm)
which required me to be,
at ten sharp, in court three.
my reception? let's say, less than warm.
"
"the fierce centre back hated phonies
and would seize on opponents' cojones.
brave souls who dared dream
of attacking his team
could expect to try walking with no knees.
"
"at a nightclub in bahia blanca,
a gullible argentine banker
paid 10,000 pesos
for two small espresos
and a dance with a dame called bianca.
"
"when, in bullitt, the great steve mcqueen
brought film's chase scene supreme to the screen,
in a battle of wills
fought down frisco's steep hills,
we could barely believe what we'd seen.
"
"a lovesick young cinnamon bear
paced, red-faced, back and forth in his lair,
with his mind in a whirl
'bout a cinnamon girl;
he had ne'er seen a bear e'er so fair.
"
"at the checkpoint, the guards stopped his bus.
""come with us, friend. be wise, make no fuss.
here, we're fully equipped
(as you'll see when you're stripped)
and there's much for us all to discuss.""
"
"a shy and diminutive chow
felt unable to bow, far less wow.
then he scored a cool bitch
(knowing master was rich).
he's top dog in the neighbourhood now.
"
"what's your view? is he false? is he true?
is he charlatan? guru? a clue:
watch him artfully preening,
devoid of all meaning.
if it's so clear to me, why not you?
"
"there are various forms of chastisement
that the u.s. has under advisement.
at guantanamo bay
(so one hears) every day,
they're applied?though without advertisement.
"
"someone coughed in your face and you're ill
with consumption. you'd best make a will,
for you're wasting away,
and your skin's turning grey?
without treatment, this illness can kill.
"
"these projectiles that look really odd,
made of clay, mud or tightly packed sod,
are collected and balled,
but what are they called?
the name that they carry is clod.
"
"you display an attentional focus
when we shout out the words, ""hocus-pocus"";
but the trick happens fast,
and your brain skips right past
how our rabbit has just changed his locus.
"
"as the mountain air cools in the fall,
hear the wapiti answer the call.
the bulls bugle and strut,
in this season of rut?
he who's boldest will reign over all.
"
"not too many will stand up and fight;
be the voice for what matters, what's right.
once, ray bradbury told
a tale, timeless and bold,
against censoring words that ignite.
"
"aldo carpi, to some, is well known
for his landscapes (they're not overblown).
but more people commend
him for memoirs he penned,
sketching life in a nazi war zone.
"
"there's a place in montana called butte
where old miners dropped bundles of loot.
this superfund pit's
giving tree huggers fits?
though the brothel's of highest repute!
"
"my puddings are known for their steaminess
and my custards get raves for their creaminess.
they're a sinful delight
from the very first bite?
every mouthful's a smooth taste of dreaminess.
"
"this craftsmaster's tops in his trade
and his road to success has been laid
by his own blood and sweat;
which he'll never regret?
he takes pride in the treasures he's made.
"
"a bulletproof vest is a must
when the feds send you in for a bust.
if you're shot in the head
you will still end up dead,
with your bosom eternally trussed.
"
"when beckett crossed henry the second,
in his dim, hushed cathedral, death beckoned.
this ""turbulent priest""
fell there, cruelly deceased?
not the fate upon which he had reckoned!
"
"said agnesi, ""hey boys, it's a fact
(to ignore it shows grave lack of tact)
that the female can do
more than multiply?true,
we can also divide and subtract.""
"
"""risorgimento!"" cried gallant cavour.
""one italia will rise and endure.""
so impressed were his mates
from the neighbouring states,
they signed up (over coffee liqueur).
"
"charles ii remarked with a grin,
as he royally romped with nell gwynne,
that the burdens of reign,
though they oft brought him pain,
were as naught next the pleasures of sin.
"
"cooed his mistress, ""my darling, please, chill.
twenty grand?is that such a big bill?
what's your bank account for
if not monsieur dior?
it's the price of my licence to thrill.""
"
"the conductor, sir john barbirolli,
was advised it would be utter folly
(bringing scandal and odium
down on his podium)
to use, as a baton, his brolly.
"
"cried old pemberton-wyckersmith j.,
""i'm so terribly sorry to say
that the papers i need
for this case are indeed
back in hove?and i'm in disarray!""
"
"in dublin, a fan watching kylie
exclaimed to his buddy o'reilly,
""it's great that we've come?
wow, just check out her bum!
i cannot recommend it too highly!""
"
"o i do love these soft-centred chocs.
i could gorge my way through the whole box.
though i felt a slight dread
about one, when i read
it described as dill pickle, with lox!
"
"when the 100 metres was run,
it was abrahams' day in the sun.
he sprinted to gold;
now the story is told
of the first english man to have won.
"
"handsome, wealthy and so charismatic,
he keeps rembrandts and braques in the attic.
when he walks down the street,
women fall at his feet.
he's electric?but me, i'm just static!
"
"when recalling my son's circumcision,
my eyes filled as i winced at the vision.
jewish boys have this snip
on the bit they unzip.
it's religion's most painful collision.
"
"for a ciggy i'd give my right arm.
yes, i know smoking's doing me harm,
but there's nought like a drag
on a big, full-strength fag;
so please, spare me your cries of alarm.
"
"i arrived circa twenty past eight
and was circa a full hour late.
by the time i got there
she was gone. should i care?
she was just an approximate date.
"
"he abrasively yelled, ""you're so slack!""
i abrasively shouted right back,
""well, to be so abrasive
is hardly persuasive!""
he abrasively gave me the sack.
"
"a centurion carried his spear
into battle. staunch, knowing no fear,
he would fight far from home
for the glory of rome,
but it made for a short-lived career.
"
"my choo choo waits there on the line
at penn station, on track twenty-nine.
where's it's going to race?
chattanooga: the place
i'll embrace that sweet baby of mine.
"
"now the cha-cha, a dance so latino,
should be shunned if you've drunk too much vino.
try to sashay with class
and you land on your ass:
my dear wife and i tried it?now we know!
"
"alannah, me darlin', me star,
me and pa, how we hoped you'd go far.
but now, just through your teens,
sadly, going far means
running drugs and shebeens in armagh.
"
"don't trust her?that girl is a chancer!
to her deviousness there's no answer.
she'll tell any old lie
without batting an eye,
if she thinks it will serve to advance her.
"
"is your love life beginning to flag?
buy yourself a convertible jag.
ease the top gently down,
then go posing in town:
guaranteed it'll bag you a shag!
"
"a drunken old charioteer
with a hopeless addiction to beer
was served a subpoena
inside the arena
for being unable to steer.
"
"cinema verit? shows reality?
like two guys trudging through their locality.
cineastes, for their part,
may concur it's great art,
but too often ignore its banality.
"
"they had drunk like there'd just been a drought
when they heard the pub manager shout,
""chucking out time! drink up!
no more time left to sup!
been a pleasure to serve you. get out!""
"
"though the citizenry did have their say
when they went to the ballot that day,
and preferred gore to bush,
hell, when shove came to push,
the decision went quite the wrong way.
"
"one day, seamus o'dilf ambled down
to a bar in old limerick town.
having drunk twelve large pimms,
he cried, ""musht write shum lims!""
how'd he do?  clue: a noun coloured brown.
"
"i smoke two packs of cigs every day.
i chain smoke, i'm sorry to say,
so with each rasping breath
i draw closer to death,
in a matchlessly horrible way.
"
"went to check-in and saw the long queue;
flight was boarding, what else could i do?
i approached. ""beg your pardon,
is that guy bin laden?""
mass exit; i walked right on through.
"
"a champion champer, one day,
chomped his way down the champs ?lys?es.
le poulet? it was fine.
escargots? too divine!
but the offal? too awful to say!
"
"having leafed through the brochure, she chose:
tighter bum, larger breasts, a new nose.
that's the way of the ladies
and why big mercedes
in harley street line up in rows.
"
"what a cock-up, the ball's on the slates.
you've completely confused all my dates.
what the hell did you do?
i'm marooned in peru,
thanks to you. retribution awaits!
"
"in the cocktail lounge lingered big jim,
six foot nine and seductively slim.
gasped sweet margarita,
the local man-eater,
""bottoms up for the highballs on him!""
"
"though i felt i'd been reasoned, objective,
in agreeing my work was defective,
his approach to correction
lacked any reflection?
my god, what a gift for invective!
"
"i am broke: not a dime or a chattel.
i'm a loser first class in life's battle.
though i'm clean out of cash,
watch me bluff and act flash;
i'm just trash. see?big hat, but no cattle.
"
"though inhaling cocaine through your nose
will excite all your senses, the lows
which come after the highs
are the pits. if you're wise,
you will never get caught in its throes.
"
"on virgin.cd you'll see
a cd by the congo's cd.
it's called hits diplomatic,
but sadly, the static
means a cd so large that it's free.
"
"the name's bond, occupation clandestine.
i am nonchalant, cool?at my best in
a web of disguise,
secrets, spying and lies.
mortal danger's the stock i invest in.
"
"with a click of your mouse the net brings
you the world. all those wonderful things
that enhance and adorn?
youtube, e-mail (and porn!)?
lie in wait, so now (click!) spread your wings.
"
"change management?here's the idea:
junk old methods and ruthlessly steer
folk to find better ways
of employing their days.
don't want change? well, we don't want you here.
"
"i was clocked at one hundred and three.
was this fair? only to a degree;
though the motorway cop
flashed his lights and yelled ""stop!""
when you're drunk, how the hell can you see?
"
"heard of mad frankie phelps? what a villain!
he's a consummate expert at killin'.
when he flashes his knife,
say goodbye to your life
and hello to the hole you'll be fillin'.
"
"though my holiday looked like a cheapie,
when i booked it, i must have been sleepy.
a budget hotel
is all very well,
but i do draw the line at a tepee!
"
"""what's the cocktail of which you're most fond?""
""it's a bone-dry martini,"" said bond,
""only shaken, not stirred,
as i'm sure you'll have heard,
with an olive or two?and a blonde.""
"
"the count otto von felpz of berlin
is a passionate student of sin.
every night he disports
wearing tight leather shorts,
which accounts for his hair-raising grin.
"
"chef jean-paul cauliflower-florette
made a mousse from a rat for a bet.
monsieur gaston, his boss,
added hot chocolate sauce
and declared, ""voil?! parfait du pet.""
"
"""i'm the real cat's pyjamas,"" said dirk,
""on my face, there's a permanent smirk.
i'm too good to be true,
so much better than you,
can't think why people call me a jerk.""
"
"seeking solace, i called a cocotte.
on her website, she looked really hot,
but she took all my cash,
and i'm left with this rash
(in a most inconvenient spot).
"
"when young jack saw jill's come-hither look,
the poor sap turned to jelly and shook.
which is why, in the night,
jolly jill's fondling dwight,
and jack's tucked up, contrite, with a book.
"
"vintage claret, which comes from bordeaux,
is the king of red wines, don't you know.
there's no pleasure above it;
if you try and don't love it,
i promise i'll eat my chapeau.
"
"on the net, an old indian mystic,
who was arrogant, vain and hubristic,
laid claim, through his portal,
to being immortal.
wrong call?now, he's just a statistic.
"
"poor fiona has made her guide swear:
""i said crampons, you ignorant mare!
wearing tampons on boots
to climb mountainous routes?
do you think that computes? i despair!""
"
"she'd been taught the first weight watchers' lesson:
""never enter the delicatessen!""
but, though cognisant, joan
is now twenty-nine stone,
and makes use of a crane while undressin'.
"
"a hard-hearted hunter named hackett
spied a stag and decided to whack it.
you can tell that it's dead
because of its head,
which now stares down his hall on a bracket.
"
"a gullible girl named fiona
bought a mini, ""just one careful owner"",
from a salesman whose leer
should have been a clear steer
that his fides were mala, not bona.
"
"our consulting firm's favoured solution,
to address market share diminution,
is my instant removal.
i fear board approval
and indecently swift execution.
"
"when folks say, ""he's in cloud-cuckoo-land,""
and complain that the triumphs i've planned
are delusional schemes
and impossible dreams,
i thank god he's placed me in command.
"
"cognoscenti are people who know
where to eat, how to dress, what's nouveau.
folk like us find elusive
the new and exclusive,
as we're constantly hearing them crow.
"
"are you comfy, dear, tucked up so tight?
such great tales i shall tell you tonight!
and when all have been read,
i shall kiss your sweet head
as i silently switch off the light.
"
"it is counterintuitive, doc,
when it's perfectly clear i'm a crock,
to benignly opine
that i'm not in decline.
bottom line?little time's on the clock.
"
"when our clergyman, reverend gray,
felt compelled in his sermon to say
god had told him that prayer
was just so much hot air,
he was spirited swiftly away.
"
"in the choir stalls sulks adriano,
a cherubic but foolish soprano,
whose impulse to sing
berry's my ding-a-ling
has just landed him deep in the guano.
"
"our away day?oh, such inspiration!
such a boost for our group's motivation!
but i feel at a loss.
though i slept with the boss,
i've been told to forget wage inflation.
"
"charles i got a terrible shock
when they severed his head on the block.
the divine right of kings
was just one of those things
he could talk of, but not walk the walk.
"
"i have heard his so-called ""aper?us.""
it's my view that he hasn't a clue.
this alleged intellectual
defines ineffectual?
he's as pompous and tiresome as you!
"
"a lovesick young owl felt so blue.
he'd been promised a peck, maybe two.
but the rain, pouring harder,
had dampened her ardour.
(she's no fun when she's too wet to woo.)
"
"i chew over lim'ricks at dinner,
which is why every day i get thinner.
writing verse, i get stressed,
can't digest?i'm obsessed!
lord, please, send jests express to this sinner.
"
"kissed my girl on this cool bateau mouche.
we were both feeling frisky and louche.
but we slipped (blame the rain)
and fell straight in the seine.
we had wanted coucher. we got douche.
"
"""though my name's on your damned active list,""
said the corporal, ""i have to insist
on dismantling my gun.
all this fighting's no fun;
so i'm off to get laid and get pissed.""
"
"a one-legged auditionee
made a hopeful enquiry to see
if as tarzan he'd do
(""me need jane, no need shoe""),
should he prove he could hop tree to tree.
"
"our big centre forward's a blast,
brutal, ruthless and lethally fast.
one unfortunate guy
tackled late?and too high.
(now he's wearing a full-body cast.)
"
"i am blonde and petite, twenty-two,
with a gsoh, but i'm blue.
let's communicate. state
why you'd be a great date.
be my soulmate. i'm here. where are you?
"
"though our parliament building's completed,
the contractors have chiselled and cheated,
and their overrun cost
(we've been duped, double-crossed!)
means that shortly we'll all be unseated.
"
"the chief constable leads the police
in a region, and keeping the peace
is his permanent mission.
beware his suspicion?
could be years till you earn your release.
"
"when i beckoned, and ordered a flummery,
the waiter looked sad and said, ""bummer."" he
explained that the flan
had been flushed down the can,
and they'd called for emergency plumbery.
"
"heat the cooking oil, then add the fish
in a batter?how simply delish!
fry till crispy and gold;
what a sight to behold
served with chips?england's favourite dish.
"
"a cannibal king known as merv
loved to have friends for dinner. hors d'oeuvre
might be lightly poached feet,
and dessert something sweet?
spleen surprise, with cojones conserve.
"
"a carnivorous cove called o'keefe,
was devoted to pork, lamb and beef.
he pursued any food
that once oinked, baaed, or mooed,
but eschewed every species of leaf.
"
"my ferrari is simply bodacious.
neighbours think it a tad ostentatious,
but who cares what they feel?
from behind such a wheel,
looking down on them's most efficacious.
"
"she was soulmate, companion and wife,
as we cruised down the highway of life,
but, this morning, my honey
ran off with my money,
my car, and my boss?where's my knife?
"
"just consider what makes a clinician:
it is learning, vocation, a mission
to bring health to the sick.
all of these make them tick,
as they tend to our mortal condition.
"
"though he'd shot seventeen under par,
he had lost and now, slumped in the bar,
oblivion beckoned;
who cares who comes second?
so damn close, but  alas, no cigar.
"
"a scots social climber, named brian,
was rebuked by bold robin, lord lyon.
his coat of arms draft
was dismissed as plain daft.
two nudes rampant?that's scarcely complyin'!
"
"this classified ad for a hound
has a curious text, i have found.
it reads, ""mongrel for sale.
blind. deaf. three legs. no tail.
name of lucky. apply city pound.""
"
"i confess, i despair of poor carol!
her clothes scrape the base of the barrel.
she claims they're new season,
but why, for what reason,
would any girl wear such apparel?
"
"a gross, corpulent dame, named denise,
lived on burgers and fries drowned in grease.
this dietary blunder
soon killed her (no wonder).
now she's resting in one giant piece.
"
"well, here's to your health my son. cheers!
such a joy to talk, share a few beers
now you've grown to a man.
only god knows my span,
but i'll love you for all of my years.
"
"oh, i dropped such a terrible clanger
when i asked sarah-jane could i bang 'er.
her response to this naff,
unforgiveable gaffe?
she went right off the graph when i rang 'er.
"
"he said what? my, such language! so coarse!
he should feel utter shame and remorse!
are you cute? no indeed,
but i can't see the need
for invoking the ass of a horse!
"
"al capone sat in court, visage grim,
and imagined his cell, cramped and dim.
his conviction was that
while his lawyers grew fat,
any chance of acquittal was slim.
"
"stumbling home at three, stinking of beer,
bob received a sharp clip on the ear.
this may not be pc,
but indubitably
it conveyed poppa's point loud and clear!
"
"in my habits and views i'm consistent.
talk of change leaves me staunchly resistant.
i suppose that is why
the world passes me by,
and my future's well-nigh non-existent.
"
"""dear vanessa,"" young kevin replied,
""though i see your affection has died,
i am cool; there's the rub.
now i'm off to the pub
with the boys, without breaking my stride.""
"
"if you're on an impossible mission,
tom cruise is a useful addition.
weird? small? yes, i know,
but hey, just watch him go
from a prone missionary position!
"
"heavens! poor lady flavia phelps;
she's had terrible luck with home helps.
they come late, read her mags,
steal her gin, smoke her fags.
""freddie! do something, damn you,"" she yelps.
"
"leonardo da felpi's great work
moaning lisa made all florence smirk.
'neath a smile so serene
grew a beard of bright green?
it's no wonder the pope went berserk!
"
"colonel farquharson phelps, queen's hussars,
has a face crudely criss-crossed with scars.
these result not from war,
but from hitting the floor
during punch-ups galore in low bars.
"
"kevin phelps plays in goal for united,
but each game he appears in is blighted.
be it cross, chip or shot,
clueless kev drops the lot?
loves the game, but it's love unrequited.
"
"gaston phelppes was a chef of renown,
and 'e 'ad ze best restaurant in town,
till a guy from zagat
was served rat. though low-fat,
that was that. the next day he closed down.
"
"a fired-up old miner named mitch
was convinced that his wife was a witch.
so he made her take strolls
across piles of hot coals.
it's what's called a relationship glitch.
"
"a young yoga instructor named wendy
made her body impossibly bendy.
she instructed her class
with her head up her ass?
a quite ludicrous modus vivendi.
"
"my accountant has told me his fee
for the work that he's done. goodness me,
here's a man in his prime;
based on chargeable time,
he's a lively one hundred and three.
"
"as my clever samantha attests,
a new boob job augmenting both breasts
is expensive, and so
she had one done; saved dough
and achieved an effect that arrests.
"
"a disorganised woman named harris,
while dancing the can-can in paris,
heard ill-suppressed snickers:
forgetting one's knickers?
ooh la la, un faux pas to embarrass.
"
"we cruised the corniche in the bentley.
far below us, the ocean lapped gently.
he was gorgeously tanned
(and that night, on the sand,
he took more than my hand, incidentally).
"
"is that barbara i hear? well, hello.
welcome peter, syreeta and joe.
we're just waiting for paul
on this conference call.
our agenda? oh god?don't you know?
"
"round their campfire, the cattlemen sat.
they told stories, chewed baccy, and spat.
as the coffeepot brewed
they looked puzzled. ""hey dude,
pumpkin spice frappuccino?what's that?""
"
"to a cookshop to pen a review:
what was worse, the disgusting dog stew,
or the ""pussy surprise"",
topped with two staring eyes
from a creature that used to go ""mew""?
"
"an insouciant inmate named tate
was confined to a cell, ten by eight.
told he'd never be free,
he rejoined, ""cell la vie,""
philosophically facing his fate.
"
"a slatternly slut named celine
made no effort to keep her house clean.
rotting food on her floor?
what a sight?zut alors!
and the stench from her fridge was obscene.
"
"a ham-fisted scrapman named hopper
was trying to cut through some copper.
when his cold chisel snapped,
he was zapped and decapped.
now his wife is donating his topper.
"
"when you carefully plan, or conject,
and then seek to put into effect
aspirations immense,
someone else's two cents
will make sure that they're totally wrecked.
"
"life in switzerland's navy is nice,
but if action's your aim, best think twice.
for to set ships in motion,
you first need an ocean.
we're a force that's all gravy, no rice.
"
"a combative cove called carruthers
was abusive to both of his brothers.
he informed them with scorn
they had best not been born?
much the same point of view as their mother's.
"
"declared baldwin to edward, ""old thing,
if you want to continue as king,
then don't be a gimp, son,
despatch mrs simpson.
your choice ? england's crown or a fling.""
"
"from the cramped upper circle we squinted
at von klompt's tour de force, newly minted.
the elite watched this balls
from the warmth of the stalls?
but loud raspberries from all were unstinted.
"
"an announcer at paddington station,
giving news of a track alteration,
chose that moment to say,
""did i mention i'm gay?""
(which was, frankly, too much information.)
"
"a hirsute young hombre named jim
booked a hot new salon for a trim.
but the barber was careless,
and now jim is hairless.
thus endeth the tale of this lim.
"
"the beautiful game's played worldwide
with a ball and eleven a side.
when the crowd roar out ""goal!""
you know deep in your soul
is where football will always abide.
"
"""why continue this case,"" growled his honour,
""when it's clear to us all it's a goner?""
did our counsel retort?
no, she fled from the court
with the wrath of his honour upon her.
"
"a clock-watching idler named stan
would minutely observe the day's span,
to ensure he'd contrive
to leave promptly at five?
come the hour, then goeth the man.
"
"we've been ordered, ""you must make this sale!""
so i'm laying a long email trail
to make plain as can be
that no swine can blame me,
and i've covered my arse if we fail.
"
"though on spiritual issues we lead,
ardent clericalism's our creed.
in secular matters
mankind is in tatters,
and the word of the lord's what we need.
"
"although cooking utensils are used
in the kitchen, they may be abused.
take this knife if you will;
it can slice, dice?and kill.
could mean jail if you get them confused.
"
"a bigamous bloke from st. ives
had six houses, six jobs and six wives.
he soon died (did you guess?),
not of strain, nor of stress,
but of stab wounds from six different knives.
"
"black economies flourish when tax
isn't paid and enforcement is lax.
pay me cash, save the vat,
where's the mischief in that?
(i'll make sure that i cover our tracks.)
"
"a beauty consultant named grace
thought that acid would perk up her face.
this was quite incorrect
(she'd have known had she checked),
and she's now disappeared without trace.
"
"bill's a clean-limbed adonis?so slender.
he's considerate, thoughtful and tender.
beside him, george clooney
is but a baboon. he
has captured my heart?i surrender!
"
"what's crapette? well, it's not what you think.
like to know? let me tip you the wink:
it is solitaire; two
people play (strange, but true),
with a pack for each one, dealt in sync.
"
"will a bush lawyer take on your case?
that's a thought you can safely erase.
in fact, it's a bramble
which loves a good scramble
up plants growing close to its space.
"
"i love brownie points. there's not a day
i don't earn them?i'm blessed in that way.
isn't currying favour
a pleasure to savour?
did you fart? what a gorgeous bouquet!
"
"looking grim underneath his black cap,
the judge faced the prisoner?poor chap?
and intoned from on high,
""come the dawn, you will die.
now, the test match, i think, then a nap.""
"
"said an english eccentric named chivers,
""i'm an avid collector of quivers.
i've six thousand and three?
well, i am half pawnee,
and my real name is chief chilly rivers.""
"
"we have bloodlessly triumphed. our coup
left no wounded or dead, but now who
should to kingship advance?
you may think it's your chance,
but i'll fight to the death if you do.
"
"an unfortunate man named muldoon
has a face in the shape of a spoon.
though cruel taunts often hurt,
he finds?eating dessert?
being concave's an absolute boon.
"
"an entrepreneurial duck
thought she saw how to make a fast buck:
setting up as a quack,
and supplying fake crack
from the back of a flat-bottomed truck.
"
"so you're here for a loan, mr bell;
would you like a new pension as well?
life insurance? some shares?
are they worth it? who cares?
there's no line i won't cross to cross-sell.
"
"i am yours, my love, body and soul.
our devotion is what makes me whole,
so i'm somewhat perplexed
to have read your last text?
tell me dearest, just who is ""nicole""?
"
"i am bletthed with the grathe of a panther,
but, alath, i'm a hopeleth romanther.
when i thpeak with my mouth,
ladieth' interetht headth thouth;
thuperthiliouth thmirkth are their anther.
"
"a chauvinist swine named devine
feels that women are basically fine
in his bedroom or kitchen
(except when they're bitchin'),
and for hanging his shirts on the line.
"
"an assassin by name of o'kane
did a job and retired to spain,
where he built a fine villa
named casa da killa
(best not to suggest he explain).
"
"brits say crisps, but the yanks call them chips.
either way, they're a treat on the lips.
sliced potatoes, deep fried,
once you have them inside,
take mere seconds to add to your hips.
"
"it's when business communities meet
that consumers should fear a defeat.
so declared adam smith,
with his typical pith.
his is still the smart word on the street.
"
"this commercial loan you have requested:
though in us all your hopes are invested,
as your banker, your friend,
we're declining to lend
to a fool whose ideas are untested.
"
"watch those mad bargain hunters stampede?
not a clue what they want, much less need.
though it's cheaper than dirt,
is this one-armed mauve shirt
really just what you're after? take heed.
"
"in block capitals, wilkinson wrote
to his boss an anonymous note,
using ink of blood red,
and you know what it said?
""guess who's planning on slitting your throat!""
"
"we have fab beauty treatments. our spa
doesn't mind how repellent you are.
is your hair dry and sparse?
do you have a huge arse?
come in startling, and leave here a star.
"
"we have crossbred a pig and a cow
(accidentally?don't ask me how).
it produces with ease
bacon, burgers and cheese,
while, surprisingly, going meow.
"
"could it be when you cooked les crevettes
that your beau declared, ""best i've had yet,
but the way to my heart
can be found through the part
that lies just to the south. don't forget""?
"
"i put every last chip on the red.
moments later, i wished i was dead
as the croupier's rake
gathered in my whole stake.
all i've left in my hands is my head.
"
"this competitive bidding is fun!
i love auctions. what's that? gosh, i've won!
and i'm now the proud owner
of?three gross of toner?
i cannot believe what i've done!
"
"at wit's end, disbelieving, i screamed,
""tell me, which ****ing halfwit has deemed
that our end-of-school shows
should conclude with tableaux,
of which each is satyricon-themed?""
"
"fellow clansmen, let's all band together,
and let ""freedom!"" ring out o'er the heather.
in two thousand and three
i'll be played by mel g.,
looking sooo cool in tartan and leather.
"
"see the buses all lined up in rows
at the station. i hope one of those
is the 4:32
for chicago?and you;
i'll be counting the miles as it goes.
"
"hoist the black flag, me hearties! we've found
a ship laden with gold, i'll be bound.
fly the crossbones and skull
as we splinter her hull
and remorselessly run her aground.
"
"poor old henry; his business was slack,
and he needed a swift change of tack;
so from then fords were made
in a wide choice of shade,
and he soon motored back to the black.
"
"on the bread line i stand, just a bum
who is empty, exhausted and numb.
i have slipped to last place
in the great human race,
and i'll stay here until i succumb.
"
"robin's outlaws were having such fun.
into thickets of trees they would run,
with the sheriff behind 'em,
unable to find 'em?
copse and robbers combined into one.
"
"in the ""tolerant"" west it's the purse,
more than breeding, that makes one's class ""worse""
than the class of another.
class structure ? oh brother!
west or east, it's society's curse.
"
"grandma thinks she's as blind as a bat,
but the problem relates to her hat,
which is twice the right size,
so falls over her eyes.
i mean, how bloody stupid is that?
"
"your blood relatives?father or mother,
or your children, or sister, or brother?
are so called, in my view,
as they're aye bleeding you,
when they're not leeching off one another.
"
"make a custard inside a small pot.
sprinkle sugar?oh, almost forgot?
then apply a hot flame
till it's burnt, hence its name:
cr?me brul?e, french for ""guzzle the lot"".
"
"i'm convulsed in a fit of the giggles!
have you seen him?the new model biggles?
stilettos, pink goggles,
(the mind simply boggles)
and, under his frock, ""something"" jiggles.
"
"faced with cranachan, scotland's great treat,
made with honey, ripe raspberries sweet,
mixed with oatmeal, whipped cream,
and malt scotch, your regime
to shed pounds faces certain defeat.
"
"you'll forgive me for lacking in grace,
but for chrissakes, let's cut to the chase.
time is money, you know?
make your point and then go;
skip the intro, let's get to third base.
"
"the proposal i made to my bank
was rebuffed on the grounds i'm a crank.
they just laughed at my plans
to make marmalade vans?
so i'm building a chocolate tank.
"
"steaming cups of sweet tea are my pleasure.
us cookbooks use cup as a measure.
if in golf other folks,
tee to cup, take more strokes,
cup your hands for a cup you will treasure.
"
"i'm a cross breeding cornish, a fowl
who's just had it! i've thrown in the towel.
as a rule, any chick
can make use of my dick?
but i'm drawing the line at that owl!
"
"do you think the term curly top's sweet?
this is far from the case for the beet.
in this vegetable's world
leaves are left dead and curled,
as it beats a despondent retreat.
"
"a devious pitcher named merv
had a curveball of swerve, verve and nerve.
it left batters bemused,
flummoxed, foxed and confused,
as his cheering home crowd would observe.
"
"if you're asked, ""how d'ya like my new dress?""
and your feeling is, ""christ, what a mess!""
you may criticise. wrong!
best to just play along?
show her tenderness, laced with finesse.
"
"there's a great clarinetist named bilk
playing jazz as seductive as silk.
with a trademark black titfor
and music that's fit for
a king, he's the best of his ilk.
"
"my employer is famous for rants.
when he's blowing, beware his advance,
for his breathing is wild,
like a troublesome child
rushing in and then out in short pants.
"
"codes of conduct command us to act
in a trustworthy way, but in fact,
villains turn a blind eye
to the need to comply,
heaping scorn on the rules they infract.
"
"my mother is driving me crazy!
always screaming, ""my god, you're so lazy!""
what's her beef? goodness me,
i get home before three,
and by noon i'm as fresh as a daisy.
"
"an aggressive young miss named consuela
had a short-lived affair with a tailor.
yelling ""i wear the pants!""
soon destroyed their romance;
he was suited for love, not a jailer.
"
"when parading around on one's yacht
(something rich people do quite a lot),
one wears boat shoes: like moccs,
often worn without socks,
they prevent sudden falls on one's bot.
"
"when my kylie broke wind throughout dinner,
and told mum, ""you should be three stone thinner,""
before groping my dad,
i thought manners this bad
might denote that i'd not picked a winner.
"
"when your first morning coffee is downed
give a toast to the beans which are ground
to produce this great drink?
puts your body in sync,
with a hit that's distinct and renowned.
"
"a notorious bandit named hank,
while looting the dodge city bank,
was abused by the teller,
a feisty old feller
(now dead, to be perfectly frank).
"
"demos thought he detected loud squeaks
in a choral ode sung by six greeks
('twas a classical drama).
diogenes' armour
had not had a lube job for weeks.
"
"as st sniff's board of governors, we
have decreed tristan's in, for a fee.
we provide for the toff?
let the proles bugger off
to where schools have no class, but they're free.
"
"at st sniff's, if we fail in declension,
we are given a lengthy detention
with the head, ""call me jim""
(we know all about him),
and assignments we'd rather not mention.
"
"a dadaist sculptor named glock
claimed the purpose of art was to shock.
his seminal bronze,
venus shagging the fonz,
is displayed in the tate under ""schlock"".
"
"a beadsman will pray for your soul
if he's paid for his pains. should your goal
be to silence the bell
you hear tolling from hell,
he will gladly extol for a toll.
"
"a pernickety pict known as spode
liked to daub himself thickly with woad.
he would take special care
when applying down there,
lest a woad overload should corrode.
"
"croatia's a state on the med,
and forms part of the balkans. it's said
to be hostile to serbs
(it's been caught using verbs
which disturb them, hence numerous dead).
"
"at st andrews, my weary old caddy
downed my bag, lit a fag, and sighed, ""laddie,
when you drive, is your goal
to avoid every hole?""
though he'd tees, he'd no sympathy, had he?
"
"i love dandling her, warm on my knee.
""tell me daddy, oh what shall i be?""
i reply, ""do not fear,
time will tell us, my dear.
after all, you're just seventy-three.""
"
"god's a fiction, we're not his creation.
there's no hell, folks, so fear not damnation.
to relieve faith fatigue
join our atheist league?
we're a non-prophet organisation.
"
"at the edge of the sidewalk big herb
was impeded and fell off the curb.
as he rose to his feet
he addressed the whole street,
with a quite unambiguous verb.
"
"i'm a dab hand at gardening. i've got
an allotment. i pinch, plant and pot.
but i can't pay the rent;
now the council has sent
me this notice?i'm losing the plot!
"
"the day of atonement is when
jews ask god for his pardon. amen.
when our sins have been purged
(despite all we've been urged),
we can't wait to commit them again.
"
"she succumbed to his daily appeals ?
warmed his bed, washed his clothes, cooked his meals.
but justice was done
at the point of a gun,
when she taught him that time wounds all heels.
"
"there's a new line from nike. it's true. it
has made a surprising debut. it
brings spice to their brand?
a sports condiment stand,
with a saucy injunction: just cruet.
"
"on a cruise liner bound for dubai
we were flogged by our host, captain bligh,
and then screwed by the crew
(who explained this was new).
we can't wait to go back in july.
"
"when compliance departments insist,
""there are rules,"" don't give in to red mist.
though they cause grief and pain
as they warn and restrain,
you'd be sad if they didn't exist.
"
"what is crackling rale? well, to be straight,
it's a noise which is likely to grate?
through the stethoscope heard,
through infection incurred.
penicillin may make it abate.
"
"an equivocal fellow named spence
said, ""the best place to be's on the fence.
one avoids so much pain
just by voting 'abstain';
let the cry 'no commitment!' commence.""
"
"i'm a surgeon without circumspection,
in need of a corpse for dissection.
though grave robbing's shoddy,
i've ordered a body
from snatchers?express resurrection.
"
"disregard this duplicitous ass.
he lacks qualifications, alas,
for a bush lawyer feigns
legal skills. s**t for brains,
but a neck with the brilliance of brass.
"
"big conglomerates once were the fashion:
buy concerns, and then sell them to cash in.
it's strategically smart
if you haven't a heart,
and are practised in burnin' and slashin'.
"
"i must curb my desire for annie;
be discreet, ease the heat, and ca'canny.
disguise and discretion
obscure my obsession?
but my god! what a glorious fanny!
"
"i have cravings for gherkins, ice cream,
macadamia nuts, and i seem
to have never enough.
i must be up the duff!
how i retch with this wretched regime.
"
"we applied for a loan. all the banks
gave identical answers: ""no, thanks.""
""creditworthiness rules,""
they replied. ""we're not fools.
we give finance to boards?not to planks.""
"
"the crash landing on top of my roof
was?in technical language?a ""goof"",
so the pilot explained,
in a voice somewhat strained.
he received a plain english reproof!
"
"the consumption of benny's huge benz
was condemned by the planet earth friends.
though he'd sweated and earned it,
they stole it?then burned it!
were the greens justified by their ends?
"
"""build a mousetrap that's better,"" ralph said
(did he mean one that fills mice with lead?),
""and you'll find, the world o'er,
that a path to your door
will be beaten by folk spending bread.""
"
"the cuniculus, namely the hole
where brer rabbit hides, under that knoll,
helps prevent sudden shocks
from the wily brer fox,
stealing softly on dinner patrol.
"
"i plead passion, m'lud. for my crime
was a justified act at the time.
sure, i ended his life?
he was screwing my wife!
i confess, sweet revenge is sublime.
"
"the task of the bowler in cricket
is to prise from his place at the wicket
with a joyous ""howzat!""
the man with the bat
(used for striking the ball?you can't kick it).
"
"cutaneous blastomycosis
wreaks havoc in large or small doses.
in every direction
this fungal infection
harms skin from your nose to your toeses.
"
"breaking news! have you heard bernie madoff,
whose 'investments' have (hitherto) paid off,
has made off with my dough?
i must sell the chateau!
now i weep with the suckers he preyed off.
"
"""ten euros would buy me a dollar,""
the currency trader did holler.
""but now i need fifty
i'm forced to be thrifty?
and soon i'll be living in squalor!""
"
"breaking news from our man in kowloon!
they've found elvis?he's not on the moon!
he's alive, fit and well
at the heartbreak hotel,
and he's making a statement at noon!
"
"pleased to meet you, i'm mildred the cow.
i provide dairy products. here's how.
take my milk (gently, please),
then make butter and cheese.
are there udder things? no, not for now.
"
"moshe tore up his cultural roots.
being german, he reasoned, best suits.
but the waffen-ss
called him ""jew"" nonetheless,
and he died hanging up by his boots.
"
"i am comptible, sir, for you see,
in the white house, the buck stops with me.
i'm commander-in-chief
(did i hear ""oh, good grief!""?)
in the land of the brave and the free.
"
"when a cretian (or cretan) you're meetin',
be considerate framin' your greetin'.
these greek island dwellers
are sensitive fellers,
and to injure their pride's self-defeatin'.
"
"we're the board of st snot's public school,
charged with teaching the thug and the fool.
education's their right.
they may not be too bright,
but they find passing spliffs pretty cool.
"
"though i consecrate all of my life
to the synagogue, trouble and strife
overwhelm any joy
god bestows on me. oy!
(on the bright side, i don't see my wife.)
"
"bolts of lightning divide the black sky,
and the rumble of thunder is nigh
as we run, helter-skelter,
for safety and shelter,
in a typical british july.
"
"stay away from this burial site
where the dead lie interred, for at night
they arise, black and foul,
with a bone-chilling howl,
and play bridge until morning's first light.
"
"the king lies in his burial vault,
the result of a violent assault.
as he sleeps underground,
loyal subjects propound,
""'twas entirely his own bloody fault.""
"
"at the home of sir jasper fitztightly
lived a serving wench, willing and sprightly.
'twas their wont, after prayers,
to convene below stairs,
where she'd faithfully serve him twice nightly.
"
"a technophobe hailing from perth
wished bill gates had been strangled at birth.
his considered opinion?
the fellow's dominion
proved the geek shall inherit the earth.
"
"at the burial service for fred,
he was present, but, being stone dead,
his widow's elation
and wild celebration
went totally over his head.
"
"called black opal, this gemstone is said
to reflect tints of green and dark red.
though it glints like an eye,
it's no diamond (that's why
i am sleeping alone in this bed).
"
"it was chardonnay wine he adored.
every night he was drunk as a lord.
but all pleasures must pass.
now, he charges his glass
with hot milk. and the toast? betty ford!
"
"it was midnight, and into the barrio
ventured dario, a shameless lothario,
to beguile his friend's wife,
but he died by the knife
in a grimly familiar scenario.
"
"an excitable railman named payne,
in his boxcar, went loco (insane).
why he went off the tracks
isn't known, but relax:
an internal inquiry's in train.
"
"a biker chick known as sweet lilian
got a ride from a swarthy sicilian.
astride his big honda
relations grew fonder?
but they waned when she fell off the pillion.
"
"when the vikings were sent here by thor,
we enquired politely, ""what for?""
they replied, ""for your village,""
and after mass pillage,
made off with despoils of war.
"
"superphelps (what a hunk in black tights!)?
put on earth to put evil to rights?
is compelled, sad to say,
to fly only by day?
mummy's warned him, ""avoid fly-by-nights!""
"
"young delilah, once married to fred,
made new plans when the old boy dropped dead.
deuterogamy beckoned
(took less than a second).
now she's wedded to teddy instead.
"
"an overstretched banker named stoute
got to asking, ""what's life all about?""
so he sold all his goods;
now he lives in the woods.
here's the note that he left us: ""cashed out.""
"
"this delusion i have of negation
is a matter of utmost frustration
to those who agree
that there is a world. me?
i just know it's a long-dead location.
"
"when out cross-country jumping, one?s steed
and oneself become one. as we speed
over hedges and poles
we are two bonded souls,
till one lands on one?s arse?guaranteed!
"
"hey you, stop it! you're chancing your arm.
this is no way to demonstrate charm!
i don't mind if you flirt,
but your hand up my skirt?
one more try, boy, you'll come to real harm!
"
"at a great collocution of nations
held to codify breed deviations,
the opening session
made quite an impression:
beaver strains in the high appalachians.
"
"when i aliened all my estates
to et, and a few of his mates,
he phoned home to report
they'd acquired a resort,
and had space at competitive rates.
"
"though my life is a passage of pain,
with no sunshine in sight, only rain,
and its trials drive me nuts,
i have blood! i have guts!
and won't buckle, whatever the strain.
"
"in full flow, i proceeded to plead
that my client was blameless; no need,
for he cried, ""i confess!""
in the light of this mess,
i proceeded to promptly decede.
"
"i'm a custrel; i bear sir guy's armour.
he's so dashing?an absolute charmer!
at his lady's advance,
watch him raise his great lance,
which i note never fails to alarm 'er.
"
"a conversative fellow named pratt
loved to linger while chewing the fat.
it was felt, as a rule,
that this garrulous fool
conveyed most of his chat through his hat.
"
"late at night, baron phelps walks abroad,
wearing only his helmet and sword.
the commoners shout
when he's out and about,
""assets frozen again then, m'lord?""
"
"so you think you have won, mr vader?
do not mock, sir, my death-ray degrader.
when its particle stream
turns your arse into steam,
then we'll see who will need the first-aider!
"
"to become carbon neutral's my goal.
it will save both the earth and my soul.
my ferrari's set off
by a forest (don't scoff!)
i've established across the north pole.
"
"a melodious fellow named long
would continually burst into song.
his decison to sing
every note of the ring
at his wedding was novel, but wrong.
"
"a geneticist name of o'day
interfered with his own dna.
chromosomal deletions
produced strange secretions
(of what, i prefer not to say).
"
"""this parrot is dead. it's deceased!
it's no more. it is ex. i've been fleeced!""
""it's norwegian?a blue?
and it's pining."" ""not true!
it's not fjords it needs, but a priest!""
"
"an eccentric old man from calcutta
liked to smear himself thickly with butter,
and affix home-baked bread
to both sides of his head?
then he'd sandwich himself in the gutter.
"
"going beetroot means ""blushing with shame"";
say you're caught by your wife with a dame
who's removing your pants.
she'll regard you askance?
and make perfectly clear who's to blame!
"
"when i went to check up on my child,
he went beetroot, and guiltily smiled.
the dope i detected
was not unexpected?
it was finding all mine drove me wild.
"
"we've lost count of the number of dates
we've been on, but we're still without mates,
and the future portends
""witty"" barbs from gay friends,
who have dubbed us the desperate straights.
"
"the lone phelps was a great wild west hero?
think john wayne crossed with robert de niro.
but it all came to naught
on the night he was caught
with his chaps down (arsenos and spiro).
"
"an old filipino, manolo,
used a long native knife, called a bolo,
to extinguish the life
of imelda, his wife,
pointing out, ""when dough's low, you're best solo.""
"
"when his boss called him in to demote him,
bill begged leave to demur?then he smote him!
now of menial rank
'neath the bowels of the bank,
he's this corporate body's wee scrotum.
"
"""kiss me, hardy,"" cried nelson, ""i'm shot.
i'm a goner as likely as not.
like my ship, i'm a wreck...
keep your hands on the deck,
sir, and off my most sensitive spot!""
"
"i turn right as i enter the plane.
all the hostesses sneer?what disdain
for us cattle class folk,
huddled, hassled and broke.
were i able to breathe, i'd complain!
"
"we have lowered the flag in hong kong
and decolonised where we were strong.
now those ghastly chinese
can do just as they please.
clearly, something's gone horribly wong.
"
"a religious fanatic named bell
breathed his last and was cast into hell.
he complained, ""it's not fair!""
satan scoffed, ""i should care.
save your prayers?god's indifferent as well!""
"
"what on earth is a devil's cigar?
is it something hand-rolled and high-tar
that is smoked by the beast?
no, it's fungus (like yeast),
with a name that is truly bizarre.
"
"richard dawkins says god's a delusion.
in his mind there's no doubt or confusion.
the creationist south
tells him, ""friend, zip your mouth.
unbelief's an unholy intrusion.""
"
"said the royal physician, ""your highness,
i perceive that you have a blocked sinus.
decongestant's the thing
best prescribed for a king
to restore the imperial dryness.""
"
"to demystify, let me explain,
 so it's firmly entrenched in your brain,
that there isn't a god,
and to doubt him's not odd,
but definitive proof that you're sane.
"
"a rabbi who lived in new york
had a fatal attraction to pork.
though concerned that his god
might consider this odd,
he forsook him, and took up his fork.
"
"i'm the top guy. i make the decision.
i bring insight, experience, vision.
thanks to me, this great bank
now resides in the tank,
where it's subject to daily derision.
"
"i demitted my office today;
told my staff, faced the press, walked away.
now i've lost all my perks.
damn those mealy-mouthed jerks!
why are thieving and lies not ok?
"
"if your bonds are to rate aaa,
then you have to be able to pay
on the date they fall due,
interest, principal too;
credit quality brooks no delay.
"
"in the senate, a seat went on sale,
but the cops were soon hot on the trail.
""rod blagojevich, sir,
you won't need your chauffeur,
'cos you're ridin' with us, down to jail.""
"
"there once was a man named cousteau,
who explained, ""in the oceans below,
deep-sea divers like me
can be seen on tv,
as we swim with the stars of the show.""
"
"creep feed does not sustain creeps.
a creep's an enclosure that keeps
farmyard creatures inside,
where good farmers provide
them with feed, not on plates, but in heaps.
"
"at one's club, one's man pours one one's gin,
and then finds one one's chair to sink in.
heavy sides and low back,
clad in leather of black,
one can dream there of growing one's chin.
"
"marshall phelps wore a star on his chest.
dubbed, ""the sixth-fastest gun in the west"",
he would still be alive
if he'd shot number five,
as the words on his tombstone attest.
"
"cried fair marian, all of a quiver,
""my lord robin, i shake and i shiver!
would my aim were more true,
but it's not... that's why you
have a bloody great hole in your liver!""
"
"s??g?i ?h?lp? headed off to the moon,
the first cosmonaut sent by balloon.
sadly lacking in thrust,
he arrived (only just),
but he won't be back any time soon.
"
"cried the chancellor, ""how does this sound?
i am doing away with the pound.
its demonetisation
will save our great nation?
now, find me a banker to hound!""
"
"an adulterous ass name of dunn
was pursued by his spouse with a gun.
she took aim, dead on target,
then fired, and?aarrgghh!! it
was done. no more fun?dunn's undone.
"
"spicy chunks of roast chicken, dyed red,
cooked in cream and tomatoes: it's said
to be favoured by brits,
though it gives them the squits
when on tikka masala they're fed.
"
"when the challenge demands urgent action,
but it's tougher than teak to gain traction,
buckle to; strain the sinew;
give all that is in you,
and your sweat will yield sweet satisfaction.
"
"disembowelment is driving me nuts!
it is quite the unkindest of cuts.
i'd write in to complain
that it's most inhumane,
but quite frankly, i don't have the guts.
"
"when bust-ups occur in the street,
with drunks rolling round at your feet
swapping insults and punches,
a smart person's hunch is:
be fleet and discreetly retreat.
"
"a studious girl named louise,
on completing fourteen ph.d.'s,
told the dean, ""i've retired,""
then promptly expired.
she'd been killed, so it seems, by degrees.
"
"we are planning a bit of a do
here at prendergast towers (chez nous).
we'll have salmon, chablis
and a gorgeous marquee.
just to mention...we're not asking you.
"
"a dermatozoon will think it's no sin
to alight, and then burrow within.
this microbial bug
makes his home in you. ugh!
doesn't that get right under your skin?
"
"i surrender, my liege, i demit.
i prostrate myself, sire. i'm unfit.
i relinquish, resign,
my dedition is thine.
what i'm trying to say is, i quit!
"
"a bell-hanging bungler named beale
hung new bells which had little appeal.
they rang with a bong
which could deafen king kong
and a bing which caused babies to squeal.
"
"to decurt is, in brief, ""to curtail"".
for example, let's say you prevail
on a long-winded sort,
""wrap it up. make it short.
go direct, not up hill and down dale.""
"
"a coroner's clerk, lisa beth,
when enlisted to find cause of death,
advised thus: ""i have found
that the principal ground
of this death was cessation of breath.""
"
"there's a critical level of mass
that we need to continue this class.
but it seems mr greer
is the only one here,
and he's in the wrong building, alas.
"
"i took dinah to dinner tonight?
our first date. it got late. we got tight.
""like a nightcap?"" she said.
did her eyes hint at bed?
just one thought filled my head?dinah might!
"
"in sickness and also in health;
to share body and soul (and my wealth):
i said, ""yes, this i vow,""
but i disavow now,
as i plan my departure in stealth.
"
"a surrealist sculptor named klink
carved a three-headed dog, painted pink.
on its base was a plaque
with these words: ""fade to black"".
one could see no discernible link.
"
"with that bronco, i sure rode my luck,
though it took every ounce of my pluck.
i climbed on. would he care,
should i fly through the air?
not at all; he did not give a buck.
"
"i dislike you. my loathing runs deep.
i would lose not a minute of sleep
should i learn you were dead;
bugger off, go ahead.
find yourself a ravine?and then leap.
"
"i'm burnt out, just a husk or a shell,
soul consumed by the workplace from hell,
where the pressure is endless.
exhausted and friendless,
i edge to the ledge now; farewell...
"
"using dental amalgam's the way
to fill holes that are caused by decay
in one's teeth. by this action,
the threat of extraction
recedes (like one's gums, sad to say).
"
"at a market in downtown jakarta,
i invited a trader to barter,
but was told, ""sir, your wife
in exchange for this knife
and a pig is a total non-starter.""
"
"a diligent girl named louise
went to college, determined to please.
there she slaved, night and day.
now she lies 'neath the clay.
sad to say, she was killed by degrees.
"
"how i dread one more tedious date
with a dope who's in hope of a mate.
gay friends tell me (ahem)
better emulate them,
than be vexed by the next dire straight.
"
"a monsignor who worked for the pope
in the curia struggled to cope.
his in-tray was full
of verbose papal bull
which had emptied his soul of all hope.
"
"mix potatoes with flaked, salted cod,
and roll up into balls?but how odd
that the name of this dish
could mean ""dances for fish""
if they'd been so enabled by god.
"
"a dentigerous fellow named fred
had a surfeit of teeth in his head.
his dental advisors
removed his incisors.
now they grin from a jar by his bed.
"
"i just love croque-monsieur: ham and cheese
grilled on toast. did the french create these?
what's it mean? bite a man.
not a sensible plan?
men are much better eaten with peas.
"
"an egyptian employed as a clerk
found that writing on sand didn't work.
he became, thus, desirous
of using papyrus.
""read the reed,"" he would knowingly smirk.
"
"in discussions with alphonse capone
i confirmed that the terms of his loan
should be put in his rear.
he enquired, ""do i hear
you've a death wish?"" i altered my tone.
"
"from his mum, a black-tie invitation
to a small, but select, celebration:
""hello, darling,"" it read,
""hope you're well. your dad's dead.
come tomorrow, for lunch and cremation.""
"
"to all vampires, blood meal means
tv dinner (includes gory scenes).
they would feel great surprise
should one choose to advise
them it's powder, deployed to grow greens.
"
"in my lavatory, during the night,
i was hampered by absence of light.
i had bog candles, but,
being orchids, my gut
told me they'd be no help with a sh***.
"
"from the centre, we're ceding control.
we believe it is best that our role
is decentralised. so:
there you are. on you go.
you can dig yourselves out of this hole.
"
"though i used to hate blacks, jews and gays,
it was just a regrettable phase.
i'm disprejudiced. yo!
every man is my bro!
love thy neighbour's my favourite phrase.
"
"bobby charlton played football with jack.
jack defended, while bob would attack.
they made england light up
when they won the world cup
in the team that drove germany back.
"
"the celebrity chef named rick stein,
who's devoted to fish and fine wine,
heard a critic extol
his carpaccio of sole,
but then carp at his prices?mean swine!
"
"there's a conclave about to begin;
see the cardinals, gathered within.
each has conclavists, two,
for assistance. do you
think they're privy to cardinal sin?
"
"a friar who fancied some chips
(though they did dreadful things to his hips)
used a pan of deep fat
and submerged them so that,
when deep-fried, they'd be crisp on the lips.
"
"how i loved my red chevy corvette:
fastest thing on four wheels you could get!
so imagine my shock
when a chaparral cock
ambled by. did my jaw drop? you bet!
"
"when the chandelier fell on your head,
all the folks in the room gasped, ""she's dead!""
thank the lord, you're alright,
but you sure saw the light.
play it safe, girl, use candles instead.
"
"mary phelps had a right and left breast.
the poor things, they had nowhere to rest.
before long, though?hurrah!?
she'd invented the bra;
by the way, it's worn under the vest.
"
"mrs. beeton, whose excellent book
taught victorian england to cook,
would have sooner served nude
than cook microwaved food.
dear, i'm begging you, please, take a look!
"
"let's combine our ideas, you and me.
one plus one?they can sometimes make three.
cross-fertilization
ignites inspiration.
you're not serious?half of the fee?
"
"a conveyancer: someone whose deeds
will fulfil all one's property needs.
whether buying or selling,
he'll transfer your dwelling
in a language no layperson reads.
"
"a roisterin' croat named goran
loved drinkin', an' gamblin', and whorin'.
balkin' friends voiced distaste
at his lewdness and waste.
he assured them, ""they're all worth explorin'!""
"
"i have downshifted. once a high-flyer,
driven crazy by greed and desire,
i reflect life is sweet
as i stroll down the street,
now my soul is no longer for hire.
"
"while the upside of caring for mother
is the sum we'll inherit, my brother,
the downside's so steep
that the ultimate sleep
can't come quick enough?strangle or smother?
"
"the recession has bitten and so,
keeping cheerful, downmarket i'll go,
with the sale of the yacht
and a bed in a squat
(so much cosier than the chateau).
"
"though my backswing is totally cool,
on my downswing, the usual rule
is that golf club and ball
make no contact at all.
why is life so perpetually cruel?
"
"is a bean caper crime using beans?
not a bit of it; here's what it means:
it's an eastern med. tree,
and its flowers can be
used for capers?they've similar genes.
"
"though i'm broadly supportive of god,
he can be a vexatious old sod.
thanks to damnum fatale
my roof's in the valley,
and the car's in my bedroom. most odd.
"
"a bell-founder took on some work
for the free presbyterian kirk,
but his bells failed to ""bong!""
and the worshipping throng
forgot god as they all went berserk.
"
"depauperate means ""to make poor"";
an unusual word, that's for sure.
in the poverty trap,
life is totally crap
(an alternative word for manure).
"
"do you feel neither sadness nor joy?
don't you love your own son? my dear boy,
you're disnatured, i fear.
the position is clear;
you're the perfectly un-real mccoy.
"
"i'm dressed up to the nines: mohair suit,
hermes tie, oxford brogues. all the loot
that i've spent on this stuff
has transformed me from rough
to a cutie beyond all dispute.
"
"an unfortunate girl, named colleen,
had a head in the shape of a screen,
but this didn't deflect her?
she bought a projector;
now she headlines in every scene.
"
"let's dress up! i will be robin hood,
you maid marian?that'll be good!
'neath the pale greenwood tree
you'll caress my goatee,
and no more will be maiden (touch wood).
"
"a domestic's devoid of all bliss.
hear hank  holler and harriet hiss.
both the kids close their ears
when the hurricane nears
(but it usually ends with a kiss).
"
"dear neighbour, my name is gilhooley.
i don't want to unnerve you unduly,
but last night you were viewed,
as you danced in the nude,
through binoculars held by yours truly.
"
"we're known best for the potions and pills
folks rely on to banish their ills,
but there's more: we have candy,
shampoo, pens, and brandy.
our drugstore is stuffed to the gills.
"
"though when stressed he was prone to be shouty,
winston churchill epitomised ""doughty"":
a fearless belittler
and foe of herr hitler,
who was manic, satanic and krauty.
"
"though the lady's offensive and coarse,
with the face of an ill-tempered horse,
the size of her dower
caused passion to flower
(but it couldn't prevent the divorce).
"
"an ambivalent girl named hortense
was unable to get off the fence,
lacking judgement or vision
to make a decision,
and without a scintilla of sense.
"
"though you think that miss jones is a cutie,
as her boss, it's a clear breach of duty,
to suggest that her pay
should be linked to, let's say,
her agreement to show you her booty.
"
"my benefits package is tiny:
no mercedes for me, big and shiny,
or a huge pension pot.
i'm a very small shot,
who is taking it right up the heinie.
"
"i have recently drafted my will
(you just never know when you'll get ill).
my wife cannot wait
till the day i am late.
disinheriting?boy, what a thrill!
"
"""in tehran, all the girls know my name:
ahmadinejad. care for a game
which is best played unclad?""
she said, ""never, you cad.
don't you khomeini nearer this dame!""
"
"when one's ill, one takes drugs for a cure,
and although this is useful, i'm sure,
i must frankly attest
that the drugs i like best
have a strictly illegal allure.
"
"we're drug traffickers. what do you need?
we have smack and superior weed
you can sell on the street
to the nice folks you meet.
that's our mission?each day a good deed.
"
"in drafting a note to my love,
i'd compared her to heaven above,
but, alas and alack,
with these words it came back:
""please insert in your rectum and shove.""
"
"down the hatch went a stiff double gin,
then a brace of large scotches (no sin),
all pursued by six shots
of tequila. these spots
are one sign of the state i am in.
"
"he approached with a wolverine leer.
""how i long for your body, my dear,
let us go to my pad.""
she said, ""never, you cad,""
but was thinking, ""what's wrong with right here?""
"
"this champagne is  trop doux (that's too sweet),
and claude whines, ""it's a knock-off?a cheat,""
but for what we both earn
only rotgut sauterne
is  ? vendre in measures petite.
"
"what is left of my hair's turning grey,
and i'm fast going bald, sad to say.
should i buy some rogaine?
would a wig ease my pain?
that's the question: to pay or toup?e?
"
"the  draconian methods  of god,
though effective, are frightfully odd.
take lot's wife; for her fault
she was turned into salt.
how unsavoury! salt just cures cod!
"
"dry vermouth: take white wine and infuse
with aromas of herbs. divine booze!
mix it well with chilled gin,
pour and drink (it's no sin)
any time, any place that you choose.
"
"as i stand on the dockside and stare
at  those fabulous yachts, i compare
what their owners have got
with my miserable lot.
why a kayak, oh lord? that's unfair!
"
"like a felon, this fungus came stealing,
and devoured all the beams in my ceiling
(not to mention my floors
and the front and back doors).
let me tell you?dry rot's not appealing!
"
"a diligent fellow named hyde
tried and tried, tried and tried, and then tried.
""excessive adherence
to blind perseverance""
was the certified cause when he died.
"
"downward-sloping mont blanc, from the top
to its base, is a hell of a drop.
could i whizz down on skis?
are you kidding? puh-lease!
i'm just here to drink gl?hwein and shop.
"
"a flatulent justice named martin
was unable to stop himself fartin'.
one gigantic retort
blew him right out the  court
(which delayed the proceedin's from startin').
"
"i've dressed down 'cause it's friday today
and ""relaxed"" is the company way.
to look casual but smart
is a difficult art?
does this top hat and thong look ok?
"
"so you're saying invest in this stock?
what's the downside? what risk of a shock?
is it likely to fall?
could i lose my small all?
i'm in doubt, but that beats ""i'm in hock.""
"
"why the damnatory threat towards me?
hell awaits? i just cannot agree.
be assured, my dear sir,
i've no interest in her.
you've read all of our textings? ...i see.
"
"demand-side economists say
that to stimulate growth, the best way
is to boost public spending
and cash, but the ending
is the mess we are stuck with today.
"
"an ancient egyptian named cyrus
was beset by a fierce norovirus,
which resulted, i fear,
in projectile diarrhoea,
and the use of huge rolls of papyrus.
"
"when poor donna went out for a doner,
by the morning, the girl was a goner,
laid  stiff on the slab,
little lamb. that  kebab
made her pitta out. peas be upon her.
"
"we're direct-grant schools. note, if you please,
being frightfully posh, we charge fees,
but we tolerate proles
(just a few) on our rolls,
'cause the government pays us for these.
"
"pharaoh phelpeses, great his renown,
ordered pyramids built? upside down.
in a very short while,
they fell in the nile
(which explains why, once blue, it's now brown).
"
"a felonious fellow named grimes
was convicted of violent crimes.
he blamed too much tv,
and was promptly set free.
i suppose it's a sign of the times.
"
"nigel phelps is  mp  for  north staines;
just the job for a man with no brains.
re the wife-beating bill,
he says, ""pay it."" when will
we be spared this poor dimwit's campaigns?
"
"we're a death metal band, the spilt guts.
do we sing of romance? are you nuts?
hear our screams! see the gore!
be afraid?this is war!
did you snore? kiss our horrible butts!
"
"as the minutes tick down on the clock,
i am stuck between hard place and rock.
dilemmatic's my state.
i'm equivocal, mate;
is it cheese i should choose, or the chalk?
"
"at our dinner last night in the mess,
every uniform worn there was dress.
that of general long
(a pink, see-through sarong),
frankly, wasn't a brilliant success.
"
"""i'll be brief,"" said the pelican. ""see,
we're so similar, bp and me?
tarred and feathered. those spills
mean we both have huge bills.
high and dry, we're completely at sea.""
"
"a bizarre looking fellow named wise,
who was born with not two, but four eyes,
found that girls don't make passes
at two pairs of glasses
(which is not a tremendous surprise).
"
"scuba divers will not disagree
that the depths can be cold out at sea,
but the chills they withstand,
when submerged far from land,
clad in dry suits with warmth guarantee.
"
"in a cave, deep inside tora-bora,
raged osama, denouncing the torah.
but the lord on his throne,
thought, ""i don't like your tone.""
...strange how drones really mess with one's aura.
"
"what does dry goods mean? over this way,
well, that's tea, sugar, grain. but let's say
you are in the us.
then it means forms of dress,
haberdashery, textiles. ok?
"
"the dramatis personae of lear
are distinctly deficient in cheer.
a sad dad who goes mad
has three daughters (two bad).
oy, would freud have a holiday here!
"
"being rich, i've a driver. my car
takes me nightly to bar after bar,
and although you may think
being driven to drink
is for losers, i'm winning so far.
"
"i should work for a living? no thanks.
that's a rat trap for losers and cranks.
my preferred route to fame
is a different game.
you can tell from my name: robin banks.
"
"here's to apathy, friend. may we never
waste time on constructive endeavour,
but resolve, whate'er passes,
to sit on our asses.
raise your glass. think i'm crass? hey, whatever...
"
"i'm a dynast. i sit on the throne,
not through merit, or work of my own,
but because i was had
by my mum and my dad,
and  succeeded through being homegrown.
"
"""i have ruined our dinner!"" mom cried.
then she heard a small voice by her side.
""just leave it to beaver.""
he snatched up a cleaver.
""you'll taste fabulous, sliced and deep fried.""
"
"i can barely begin the beguine,
and my quickstep ain't?know what i mean?
the dance orchestra's beat
is the beat of retreat,
for i've no terpsichorean gene.
"
"a recidivist, foul and pernicious,
who found homicide simply delicious,
would leave people he'd meet
lying dead in the street.
this was thought to be slightly suspicious.
"
"duty-bound, as i am, to explore
how you did it, and what the hell for,
as a dutiful cop,
i will labour non-stop,
till you languish behind a cell door.
"
"'neath a quilt filled with fibre or feather
(our duvet), we cuddle together.
though it's cold?we are swiss?
it's so cosy like this,
warming regions both upper and nether.
"
"we have sun, we have sand, we have views,
and our sky is the brightest of blues.
but, sara and sammy,
don't come to miami?
ain't no room for the summertime jews.
"
"on the greens, how they give me the blues;
such a vicious collision of hues.
golfers drain fashion's dregs
when they dress up their legs?
ain't no cure for the summertime trews.
"
"got no cash? in way over your head?
debt restructuring's helpful, it's said.
terms that once made you queasy
are thus made more easy?
and you get to keep some of your bread.
"
"my commercial bank wrote me to say
that the loans which they granted last may
to my business were due.
(but between me and you,
there's a snowball in hell's chance i'll pay!)
"
"i'm dull-sighted. it's tricky to cope
with poor vision. i feel such a dope
every time i recall
(it was rome's christmas ball)
shrieking, ""god! love that dress!"" at the pope.
"
"i've dynamically taken control.
forceful leadership?born for the role!
i'll be stopping the rot,
which as likely as not
means you're heading forthwith to the dole.
"
"our children are looking divine.
'neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
but the rabbi looks stressed
as i make this request:
""has your holiness more of this wine?""
"
"i am durable. man, i'm so tough.
slings and arrows? i spit on this stuff!
i have blood! i have guts!
i have iron-clad nuts!
(i like ironing, oddly enough.)
"
"due to lack of an aircraft in rome,
due to breakdown in haifa (shalom!),
due to six missing screws,
due to negligent jews:
due to these, we're not due to go home.
"
"to duncedom i'm destined to go.
there's no limit to what i don't know.
i'm as empty of head
as i'd be were i dead.
on the street map of brains, mine's skid row.
"
"disparagingly, he replied,
in a voice condescending and snide,
""it's surprising to find
bill is totally blind.
don't believe me? just look at the bride!""
"
"i'm embroiled in marital strife.
the last dust up i had with my wife
when we both came to blows
(she did this to my nose!)
means no cooking, no sex and no life.
"
"""there's been dodgery blacker than soot!
this is something up with i'll not put!""
howled the banker, whose vault
had been breached (not his fault)
when nefarious deeds were afoot.
"
"a winsome young witch in her coven
winked, ""i'm baking a bun in the oven,
not with wolverine gizzard,
or liver of lizard,
but a wizard and spells of hot lovin'.""
"
"i cognize (what i mean is, i know)
duty calls me, and so i must go
on a perilous quest
to the wild, wicked west.
silver waits?he's the best. so, hi-yo!
"
"rupert murdoch's a newspaper man,
much admired for his verve and elan.
he's acquired thereby
a huge media pie
(and of late, he's acquired a flan).
"
"through my drug clinic's garden i pass.
who erected this notice? what ass?
though i'm weaning off weed,
i don't need to re-read
endless edicts to ""keep off the grass!""
"
"a mathematician named fry
was the shape of a sphere. when asked why,
he replied, ""that's abstruse,
but i roundly educe
my circumference follows from pie.""
"
"he was cursed with a fatal facility
to dissemble with ease and agility.
we recall the effect,
as this plaque we erect:
""richard nixon: complete lie ability"".
"
"spare a thought for the hapless fiona.
she decided to be a blood donor,
but her help was in vain.
it was poured down the drain
when she owned up her cat was the owner!
"
"andy warhol once bedded my granny;
there was him, there was her, and a tranny.
he depicted the scene
in a bright shade of green,
appliqu?d by machine on her fanny.
"
"diorism means the direction
that logic dictates. on reflection,
your tyrannous rule,
so despotic and cruel,
means that logic dictates insurrection.
"
"my  sister's been named the school dux.
i'm the duck who is lame?and that sucks!
now she sits at the top;
i would willingly swap,
but i'm thick as a brick, that's the crux.
"
"the dissector was cool with his knife,
the corpse chill?in the absence of life,
sliced and diced in a trice.
i looked on, cold as ice:
""goodbye mother?and now for my wife.""
"
"as he searched for a lady to woo,
this young eskimo's wise apercus
made him shrewdly intuit
that inuit ""do it""
without catching cold or the flu.
"
"the dutch cap: there is no device finer
for maintaining a sperm-safe vagina.
when safely inserted
gestation's averted,
and there's no major risk of a minor.
"
"our dysfunctional marriage is through.
i'll be much better off without you.
we just fight, there's no sex;
this is why you're now ex,
and i joyfully bid you adieu.
"
"the school ordered demotion. a note
was despatched to my home. i shall quote,
""mr pinkerton-smith,
you're disrated forthwith?
no! you can't show the film club deep throat!""
"
"we're a demonist sect in jaipur.
evil spirits exist, we are sure.
and though ingrates insult,
with the gibe ""stupid cult!""
satan's shield will keep us secure.
"
"i'm commercial. some starve for their art,
but i'm business and industry's tart.
when you're drawn to an ad
for the latest new fad,
i'm the artist who's conquered your heart.
"
"i am in an acapnial state,
caused by breathing at too great a rate:
co2 in my blood
is too low. tell you, bud,
i'm not sanguine concerning my fate.
"
"in macbeth, dagger drawn, a great actor
heard the voice of a vicious detracter.
""this is absolute balls!""
she opined from the stalls
(in her death, a significant factor).
"
"just imagine a world, if you would,
in which nothing whatever is good:
a dystopia, where
all is death and despair
in this doomed diabolical 'hood.
"
"down the centuries, brother's killed brother.
thirst for power is treachery's mother
and the curse of mankind.
that's why history's defined
as ""just one damn thing after another"".
"
"a feckless employee named valerie,
on the staff of the national gallery,
set fire to a giotto
while totally blotto.
she's no longer collecting a salary.
"
"this defamous statement's appeared
in your rag?don't know how it was cleared.
it won't do! it's not true!
i shall sue! so screw you!
for the record, goat worship ain't ""weird""!
"
"my first date with celine was dear-bought.
i thought, ""hang the expense! she's so hot!""
but we had no affinity;
she kept her virginity,
and my outlay returned diddly squat.
"
"""embonpoint means a fullness of figure,""
i remarked to my love. ""am i bigger?""
she shot back, with a glare.
""bigger? you? au contraire!""
(i'm aware of her scary hair trigger).
"
"there was an old lady of crete
whose behaviour was somewhat offbeat.
through the whole persian wars
she refused to wear drawers,
on account, she explained, of the heat.
"
"i found myself being attacked:
""good ideas must have basis in fact!""
the empiricist's sneer
made it perfectly clear
what my theory actually lacked.
"
"what a temperament?truly artistic:
now von klompt's gone completely ballistic.
""all i vant you to do
is to vave! vunce! on cue!
is zat so ****ing unrealistic?""
"
"i love body art so, and it shows?
take this ring i've empierced through my nose.
i have two tattoos too;
one's a tribute to you
(in a place i'd as soon not disclose).
"
"you may think it's repugnant and rash
to embezzle our factory's cash,
but it's you who tomorrow
will slave there in sorrow,
while i'm on the town being flash.
"
"embarkation is called: ""all aboard!""
the decks heave with our holiday horde.
as we leave plymouth sound,
it's to norway we're bound,
where our captain is from?h?nry fjord.
"
"a financial adviser named spiro
was regarded as less than a hero,
when upon his advice
stock was bought at top price
and then rapidly downticked to zero.
"
"a beverage bottler named bland
found his profits climbed less than he'd planned
when his brew, angels' breath,
caused dementia, then death.
(strange how trifles can stifle one's brand.)
"
"there is one demographic, the jews,
who appear unconvinced of our views,
but we're hoping in time
their subscriptions will climb,
here at ss and aryan news.
"
"he called ""smile!"" as he clicked to depict us,
but my face was transfixed in a rictus,
and the consequent snap
turned out totally crap.
my bride uses it still to conflict us.
"
"in a quite unforgiveable lapse,
father flynn has just fondled my baps.
what caused this transgression?
satanic possession?
or divine intervention perhaps?
"
"an atomic researcher named snow
disregarded precautions, and so
he acquired, over time,
a thick coat of green slime
and an ominous  luminous glow.
"
"an isotope handler named kroll
disregarded the need for control,
and the consequent spill
made the poor fellow ill
from an ion that entered his soul.
"
"a felonious fellow named dawes
was a cesspool of character flaws,
being callous, ungrateful,
insensitive, hateful,
and a serial breaker of laws.
"
"""blood's constructed of cells, white and red.
both are vital,"" the profiler said.
""so the total amount
of each colour i'll count.
this may help to explain why you're dead.""
"
"dolorimeters measure the pain
one can tolerate. gain, in the main,
is the consequent prize
we're apprised will arise
by politicos linking the twain.
"
"i'll emancipate dave, my old slave,
who's beseeched me, ""it's freedom i crave.""
lords of my station
dispense liberation,
with a word and a casual wave.
"
"this conundrum empuzzles my brain.
its complexities daunt me. i strain
to deduce what it means,
but keen's not in my genes,
and befuddlement only is plain.
"
"i had menstrual problems a lot.
i was early, then late. i got hot.
but the fragrant dong quai
was prescribed, and thereby,
all my periods come on the dot.
"
"the eskimo curlew, or doughbird,
is a vanished-a-long-time-ago bird.
had it kept on its toes,
as it froze in the snows,
it might still be a go-with-the-floe bird.
"
"to fight doughtily, quite without fear,
is the act of a hero, but dear,
your absence of valour
is clear from your pallor,
and the way that you lead?from the rear.
"
"acromania: no one can cure it,
and so all one can do is endure it.
those it strikes are insane
(violent thoughts fill the brain);
but these drugs you are on, dear, obscure it.
"
"my poor home's in complete disarray!
the domestic help's been here today,
and while scouring for flash,
she unearthed my whole stash
(which explains this exotic bouquet).
"
"it's not tough at the top. life is sweet
for the privileged few?the elite.
it's not that we're jealous;
we worship these fellas,
from their heads to their dinky clay feet.
"
"it was early one morning when tonto
spurred his pinto to sprint to toronto.
a sign he'd passed by
read, ""drink canada dry"",
and he'd thought, ""worth a try, me go pronto.""
"
"of bog rhubarb, a herb from eurasia,
in this verse i'm about to appraise ya.
broad of leaf, lilac-pink,
like my boss, loves to drink
(and like him, it ain't gonna amaze ya).
"
"the diplodocus? dears, let us focus.
prehistoric terrain is his locus.
he's a dinosaur: long,
evil-tempered and strong?
so it's best if we don't let him stroke us!
"
"we have gone for entrenchment. dug in,
we are fortified. to our chagrin,
we  hear sounds of the foe,
and so, lying real low,
we await. let our struggle begin.
"
"""tell me, why the long face?"" i asked cy.
""i'm a dolichoprosopic-type guy,""
he replied. ""hence, my jaw,
as i guess you just saw,
is an awfully long way from my eye.""
"
"bidirectionally, i shall go,
heading forth, south and north, for i know
wonders beckon, my love,
in those soft hills above,
and lie deep in the valley below.
"
"empoverish means ""to make poor"";
you're an expert, my darling, for sure.
i was rich when we wed,
but i did as you said,
and put all on the red. oh manure!
"
"here in rome, which is where we are from,
we sell energy?makes us a bomb.
but our email address
caused the pope much distress:
ciao@powergenitalia.com
"
"a naive un envoy named beattie,
sent to seal a concentual treaty,
caused no end of offence
(had the fellow no sense?)
when he greeted frau merkel ""heil sweetie!""
"
"now in my world, what matters is me.
egoistical, vain as can be,
i exude self-regard;
think of others? too hard,
and not worth it, i'm sure you'll agree.
"
"the word damnum should trigger alarm,
for its literal meaning is ""harm"".
we just met on the net,
and you may be a threat,
but goddam, i'm seduced by your charm.
"
"a dockhand by name of magee,
while unloading malt scotch on the quay,
thought that, as there was ample,
he'd try a small sample.
this explains why he's now 'neath the sea.
"
"overcharging and crowds at the inn.
aunts you loathe, but at whom you must grin.
outside, it's turned murky.
i've just burned the turkey.
screw  christmas! and irving berlin!
"
"a driving iron's used off the tee.
when the fairway's as tight as can be,
savvy golfers are seen
taking aim at the green
with this club. i chose wood. damn that tree!
"
"a penurious person named paul,
strapped for cash, with his back to the wall,
to escape from his plight,
robbed a bank and took flight.
(this explains both the chain and the ball.)
"
"we began with champagne (the '08),
then foie gras on brioche?it was great.
for the following course
(being france) we had horse.
i love blowouts?to hell with my weight!
"
"plied with wine and with poetry readings,
she remained quite immune to his pleadings
(and  the orchid bouquet).
nothing works like ""no way!""
as a dampener on the proceedings.
"
"it's his magical deftness of touch
that enthrals and excites her so much,
as his consummate skill
transmits thrill after thrill.
i should curtain the grille of their hutch!
"
"a fellow by name of mcgraw,
who dismembered his wife with a saw,
replied, ""so i'd surmised,""
when politely advised
that he might be in breach of the law.
"
"anti-cigarette: marlboro man
would have lengthened his god-given span
had he been of this view,
but he just drew and blew,
till the cancer showed up on his scan.
"
"if i told you the dead sea was dying,
you would probably think i was lying,
but the world's lowest place
is now having to face
its demise. thanks to man, watch it drying.
"
"all my prospects have gone down the pan.
i'm a doomed and despondent young man.
how i wish i could be
in the land of the free?
it's too bad i was born in iran.
"
"high above him, the whine of the drone
passed him by as he slept, quite alone.
in a deep southern drawl,
came the ""extirpate"" call,
and the reaper redeemed all he'd sown.
"
"let's deglutinate, dear. we must part.
there's no need to be smart as descartes
to discern our affair
will bring only despair
if the head's overruled by the heart.
"
"i depictured my mother in chalk.
it's a shame that we no longer talk.
the cause of our clash?
adding hitler's moustache,
unaccountably, came as a shock.
"
"""i believe in one person, one vote,""
the democratist snarled, ""but please note,
though our system, it seems,
beats all other regimes,
we, the sheep, just elected a goat.""
"
"an eyecup delivers solution
during ocular-focused ablution.
one's lid, lash and ball
would be frightfully small,
should one happen to be lilliputian.
"
"my eye, peeping out from its socket,
would see equally well in my pocket.
though a cool shade of blue,
it's just glass, through and through.
take a look. what's your view? don't you mock it!
"
"a dim legal counsel named otis,
was advising the cic, potus,
on the rose garden lawn.
a contemptuous yawn
showed that potus was taking no notice.
"
"do i like riboflavin deep fried?
contradictory feelings collide.
though this sausage i chew
has a fabulous hue,
i've a feeling within: something's dyed.
"
"a post-graduate student named lee,
in a bid to become ph.d.,
wrote a thesis doctorial.
a don, professorial,
thought it cool in the highest degree.
"
"baby swallowed some dimes from a jar,
so we rushed to the doc. it's bizarre;
we're assured he'll expel,
and soon all will be well,
but no change is apparent so far.
"
"all the skills, hard and soft, that you lack,
your insistence on calling white black?
these all bear on the fact
that today you've been sacked.
on the molars of life, you're the plaque!
"
"an accused co-respondent (my auntie),
who'd been caught, panties down, in flagrante,
expressed scanty remorse,
at mama's swift divorce,
blaming love's raging force?and chianti.
"
"i began this night out with such hearty feet.
now it's late, they're my two achy party feet?
they're too sore just to stand.
and i'm banned by the band:
when i dance, plastic shoes give me farty feet!
"
"crack cocaine, scarlet women and booze:
 dissipation's the life that i choose.
i'll die younger, i'm sure,
than the perfectly pure,
but i'd not be caught dead in their shoes.
"
"snapped the duke, ""you think seeing off boney
was easy? you're talking baloney!
this triumph i bring
was a damn close run thing.
you're a popinjay, sir, and a phoney!""
"
"""these disclosures,"" declared berlusconi,
""are, to put it succinctly, baloney.
naked girls on my landing?
a misunderstanding!""
(and thus grandstands il grande buffone).
"
"ten commandments, the lord gives to moses.
in so doing, the lord presupposes
his people of old
will do just as they're told:
big mistake, as the bible discloses.
"
"though great britain's hung on to the pound,
the poor deutschmark's no longer around.
germans' coinage of old
is now out in the cold,
as ubiquitous euros abound.
"
"a sherpa, who hailed from nepal,
on a summit received nature's call.
he cried out in midstream,
""let's keep ice for ice cream!
who needs quick-frozen pees in a squall?""
"
"the demand letter, found in my post,
made no bones: ""pay up now, or you're toast.""
in the light of my plight
i am on the first flight
out of sight, to sit tight on the coast.
"
"a kidnapper called me today.
here's the message he wished to convey:
""i have here your son
at the point of a gun.
want to see him again? then you pay.""
"
"""turnip vodka,"" thought grandpa, ""extilled
in this dustbin, and served lightly chilled,
is a drink to acclaim.""
it was just such a shame
that the very first glass got him killed.
"
"let's extenuate: ok, he's dead,
and i liked being married to fred.
but it isn't all gloom;
now he's cold in his tomb,
i've this handsome new groom in my bed!
"
"if you're seen to be prejudiced, marshal,
there'll be trouble. you'll find being harsh'll
mean conflict and pain.
won't you have more to gain
if you strive to be egal (impartial)?
"
"the extolment of officer hayes
(that's to say, a great paean of praise)
was amazing to some
who remembered this bum
as a racist and hater of gays.
"
"our house is too small for us, dear,
so we need an extension, i fear:
just a space to hold balls,
say, the size of st. paul's,
with a swimming pool sunk to the rear.
"
"a fine homestead i'd hoped to extruct;
had it planned to the last brick and duct,
but my neighbours objected,
sweet nothing's erected,
and frankly, i'm totally furious.
"
"let us strive for egality, brothers.
none shall have greater powers than others.
those wishing to fight us
are simply detritus?
we'll give a ""fair shake"" to these mothers!
"
"of his editorship, it was said
that the paper, of which he was head,
was unflinching, unbowed,
unrelenting, uncowed,
but unhappily, also unread.
"
"here's our extranet; let's get connected.
valued client, especially selected,
let us cyber-entwine.
join our network online,
you'll be virus and password protected.
"
"dancing-master, do teach me to tap!
make me quickstep with crackle and snap,
while i fly through fandangos,
and twinkle through tangos...
you don't take over-90s? well, crap!
"
"enzootic diseases in creatures
are possessed of the following features:
ever-present, each case
is in one local place
(so they say, my zoology teachers).
"
"a bird-watching german named fritz
told his frau, ""i adore watching tits.""
though a hobby is good,
he was misunderstood.
now his eyes are reduced to small slits.
"
"thou demandest a brew, by my troth?
is thy preference black, or with froth?
would a topping of snot
tempt thy tongue (perhaps not),
or perked pumpkin?half coffee, half broth?""
"
"after ten torrid years of gestation,
my new tome's been a total sensation.
who'd have thought such a tract,
""god's a cheese! that's a fact!""
would go global? what joy! what elation!
"
"our cake was in tiers when we wed.
""life's our teacher,"" the minister said.
and through each passing year,
life has taught me, my dear,
i will not be in tears when you're dead!
"
"in debate, you were ever so deft.
i felt small, of opinions bereft.
and through each passing year
it became crystal clear
that you had to be right?so i left.
"
"""it's not logical, captain,"" sighed spock.
""bones agrees that i'm right, don't you doc?
you alogically say
we've found zogon today.
so... how come there's this sign: 'to ayers rock?>'?""
"
"the stage of one's span called the eld
is when age and experience meld.
if one's lifetime should be,
as it were, like a tree,
eld is reached just before one is felled.
"
"i am in the environs of myron,
a locality less than inspirin'.
so hard is the labour
in bein' his neighbour,
i'm desirin' of swiftly expirin'.
"
"a stuntman by name of o'brien
was dismissive of deeds death-defyin'.
""there's no risk to be run?
skiing blindfold is fun!""
(hence the plot where this clot is now lyin'.)
"
"do you have a bronchitic condition?
are you worried about the mortician?
take an ephedrine shot
and, as likely as not,
you'll stop wheezin'?just ask your physician.
"
"exuperate means to excel,
to do ever so terribly well,
to surpass, scale the heights,
be the brightest of lights,
to breathe deeply of triumph's sweet smell.
"
"chapters cut? your decision excisional,
though you tell me it's only provisional,
just shows you can't edit
my stuff. have you read it?
copy this: now our course is collisional!
"
"forcing steam through ground coffee creates
the expresso, a drink that elates,
savoured scalding and strong
(don't dilute?that's sooo wrong!),
as italian tradition dictates.
"
"here at first cuckoo bank (we are swiss),
one might sum up our ethos like this:
be discreet to a fault.
is there cash in our vault?
mr taxman, you're ignorant? bliss.
"
"at my exorcism, ""get thee gone, satan!""
cried the priest. ""we can't stand around waitin!""
but i'm sad to attest
i was soon repossessed
(and depressed, as i'm sure don't need statin').
"
"""the guy's gotta be wasted"", snarled pete.
""screw the law?leave him dead in the street!""
fulfilling his wish'll
be extrajudicial,
but butchers like me need fresh meat.
"
"exhaustion envelops me so.
where's it gone to, my get-up-and-go?
i'm fatigued all the time.
just composing this rhyme
is so grindingly, grindingly slow.
"
"a hermit crab, shedding its skin,
which it no longer wished to be in,
ate this outer for dinner,
so now it's his inner,
and the cycle once more will begin.
"
"an enumerator, that is my station,
so i've called to collect information
which pertains to your lives.
tell me?how many wives?
well! there's no need for that observation!
"
"from my exorcist (feeling hard-pressed)
i beseeched time to pay. should have guessed
he would say there's no way.
i must settle today,
or tomorrow i'll be repossessed.
"
"i've decided to come out today,
and be proud to proclaim that i'm gay.
my love dares speak its name!
i might once have felt shame,
but that's all now pass?, glad to say.
"
"it's no wonder i feel homicidal.
just the sound of his name makes me bridle.
my ex is a jerk
who won't entertain work?
he's the star of american idle.
"
"i'm incensed by your vicious review
of my beethoven's fifth on kazoo.
that critical tweaking
is why we're not speaking?
no way did i ""suck"" as i blew!
"
"i'm not envying you. i don't mind
if you're richer than me. you won't find
that i'm one of those fellas
who's jaundiced and jealous.
there's a curse on the envious kind.
"
"our confinity, darling, in bed,
is a joy as we touch, but that said,
though sex is elating,
it's kinda deflating
each time you coo ""louie"". i'm fred.
"
"cjs, in my ws,
left this comment: ""my god! what a mess!""
remiss emendation
brought further damnation,
so i guess i had best reassess.
"
"at the coming-out ball for my daughter,
fate conspired with misfortune and caught her,
when this chandelier fell
on my debutante belle.
what's the outcome? she's fine now?but shorter.
"
"for your charms i had endlessly lusted.
when you urged, all my cash i entrusted.
but i've not been repaid;
i'm unloved. i'm unlaid,
and quite frankly, my dear, i'm disgusted!
"
"enumeration can mean ""numbered list"".
""you're my number one loser,"" she hissed.
may i ask your advice?
does she mean to be nice,
or, perhaps, is there something i've missed?
"
"it was only too easy to tell
slim had spent his life eating too well.
such engorgement of gut
and enlargement of butt
made it hard to deny he looked swell.
"
"i can see from his thunderous frown
that i'm in for a good dressing down.
i just told him my marks.
now just watch for the sparks,
as my dad, raving mad, goes to town.
"
"my disquietude, sir, is immense.
it's no wonder i'm fretful and tense.
may you take me to bed?
what's got into you're head?
i would sooner drop dead! (no offence.)
"
"when they split, he foretold retribution.
each new day brought him fresh persecution.
she was deaf to his plea
to move on, couldn't see
what dissolving could be?their solution.
"
"ear-shaped means ""shaped like an ear"".
well, i hope that's all perfectly clear!
don't confuse with your nose,
your right leg, or its toes,
and especially not with your rear.
"
"i went to the school to enroll,
academic distinction my goal.
there is praise (of a sort)
in my first term report:
""mr bell takes a mighty big toll.""
"
"""lord, by gringos my nation's been cursed.
i've been bullied, traduced and coerced.
in hell's fire they should fry!
make them die! make them die!""
came a voice from on high: ""hugo first.""
"
"his exultance (intense jubilation)
at his second nobel nomination
turned to torrents of rage,
when a guy half his age
quite disproved his entire dissertation.
"
"my debut at aa last year
wasn't totally seamless, i fear.
when i first stood to speak,
my approach was unique.
""guys, i'm parched?any chance of a beer?""
"
"cried the clapperboard guy, ""take 14!""
bond and pussy undressed: what a scene!
alas, james had gone limp,
but don't judge him a wimp;
he's all man?but he's not a machine!
"
"this garment's a girdle (or corset).
it's best pulled on gently, don't force it.
upon its foundation
i've checked waist inflation,
and hence feel constrained to endorse it.
"
"she was found in a telephone box;
tiny hands, azure eyes, golden locks;
a foundling, just left
by a mother bereft,
with this note: ""how i dreamed, but god mocks.""
"
"""my life's pre-ordained,"" pronounced fred,
fatalistically looking ahead.
""whether perfect or crap,
i cannot make its map,
nor determine how long till i'm dead.""
"
"should you hear opportunity knock,
if the door to your dreams should unlock,
then go forth with your eyes
firmly fixed on the prize,
and expedience guiding your walk.
"
"a fairy story? why would i lie
(which is what i believe you imply)?
though you find us in bed,
there's no need to see red;
she's just taking a speck from my eye.
"
"now here's a conundrum, my son.
what's the answer? i'm searching for one:
if fast is the dye,
can you please tell me why
it should be that the colours won't run?
"
"zeke had zoomed up vertiginous peaks,
dashed through desert for days?now he speaks:
""these enduros are fun!
i'm so glad that i won!""
(by the way, he was dead within weeks.)
"
"a taciturn cowboy named joe
was accustomed to talkin' real slow.
when asked why this was,
he replied, ""it's because....
i have always....you know?....i don't know.""
"
"two and two equals nine, as i know,
just as four into twelve doesn't go.
crunching numbers is fun!
look! eight fives?twenty one!
can't you see it? how come you're so slow?
"
"""roger's all mouth, no trousers,"" she said.
""wish 'down there' was as big as his head.
when he gave me a peek,
well, it just made me shriek?
that's with laughter, not lust for his bed.""
"
"""england's blessed with a really smart way,""
professed bagehot, ""to govern today.
neither commons nor king
can accomplish a thing,
unless both are agreed it's o.k.""
"
"the renowned zulu monarch cetshwayo
had to fight afrikaners all dayo;
which explains why he felt
that his life on the veldt
was excessively work and no playo.
"
"an african, given to sin,
asked a church if they'd let him come in,
but was told, ""that's a no.
it is best that you go,
'cause donatism knows you ain't kin.""
"
"from the pulpit, his voice came a-roaring
dire warnings, haranguing, imploring;
trapped like rats in the pews,
we poor boers would all muse,
""jesus christ, our new dominee's boring!""
"
"i'm a fat cat, as rich as a king,
every inch of me dripping with bling.
you may envy my cash,
think me tawdry and flash,
but i don't give a monkey's! ka-ching!
"
"a mysterious fellow named liddle
loved conversing in puzzle or riddle.
but is it a plus
to enigmatise thus?
where's the ending, beginning, or middle?
"
"yom kippur is the fast day of jews.
on this holy of holies they choose
not to eat or to drink
as they try not to think
of roast chicken, chopped liver, or  booze.
"
"is it evitable? must we all sin?
the case for this theory's thin.
since adam and eve,
it's been clear, i believe,
that the prefix required is in-.
"
"i'm a fashion designer whose dreams
of couture are now ripped  at the seams.
my name's galliano.
i've been in the guano
since my drunkenness led to extremes.
"
"by this will, i do hereby bequeath
to my nephew, the spotty one, keith,
who was often so rude
to his uncle, when stewed:
?10.50, to buy me a wreath.
"
"her manner was brusque, her speech loud;
when a man contradicted, she vowed,
""a woman like me
won't be bullied!"" said he:
""and i, madam, will not be cowed!""
"
"in my novel, the dialogue's neater
since i brought in a smart girl called rita.
she is asked, ""what's afoot?""
for her answer i've put:
""point three-o-four-eight of a metre.""
"
"there's behaviour i just can't let pass:
for the guy who insulted my lass
i have planned a rude shock: six
sharp blows to the coccyx
from footwear: yes, kicks up the ass.
"
"dear shareholders, what could be grander
than the profits we'll make in uganda
through this contract i've signed?
(where no mention you'll find
of the million i got as backhander.)
"
"the mirror i bought in lasalle
has a swinging frame, called a cheval;
the plural's chevaux?
which of course you would know,
being such an intelligent gal.
"
"""that piano piece, each time you try,
sounds like feeding time down in shanghai.
it's just not a good 'un:
oriental, yet wooden.""
""it's 'chopsticks' i'm playing, that's why!""
"
"he's a jack-of-all-trades (or tries hard);
he's a queen (whom our straight pub has barred);
he can swagger and sing,
and makes out he's the king;
you have to admit?he's a card.
"
"macbeth, while observing the witches stir
their cauldron, felt longing for riches stir
him to murder most fell.
we were under his spell
in the festival theatre at chichester.
"
"the programming language a-3,
for reasons i really don't see,
had a name-change dramatic:
it's now arith-matic.
(the spelling looks dubious to me.)
"
"to sit down and to calmly discuss
makes more sense than creating a fuss.
if we shout and complain
there's just pain without gain,
i maintain; and it's ever been thus.
"
"you're a terrible fussbudget dear.
i don't say one should be cavalier,
but the small stuff of life,
shouldn't stab like a knife.
trifles come, but they soon disappear.
"
"a heroin dealer named dwight,
worked clandestinely, out of the light.
he found furtive was best,
till a slug in the chest,
bid him ciao, adios and goodnight.
"
"in a fury, my father appears.
he has steam coming out of both ears.
i swiftly deduce
that it's time to vamoose.
just one end is in sight?and it's tears.
"
"if a's melded with b to make c,
that is fusion, i think you'll agree.
should c win more hearts
than the sum of its parts,
one might say one plus one equals three.
"
"though intended to shape her foundation,
i can say this without hesitation:
what she wore was just wrong
(most especially that thong)
for containing her flagrant inflation.
"
"i'm the founder; i started this place.
i was key in our reaching first base.
now it's time to move on.
just like that, i'll be gone.
will it founder and sink without trace?
"
"were i old, and you walked out the door,
i'd be rocked and bereft to my core.
should you ever forsake me,
my love, it would break me,
since what would our vows have been for?
"
"i'm afraid there's a bit of a snag.
this fine cormorant, dear, in your bag?
though the thought is most kind,
birds were far from my mind
when i asked, ""any chance of a shag?""
"
"""can you characterise me?"" asked mel.
the cop thought for a while then said, ""well,
you've a fondness for booze,
and no love for the jews,
mr gibson. this way to the cell.""
"
"a young music student of leiden
decided his tastes he should widen;
faced with bart?k's dance suite,
he admitted defeat
(until then he'd heard nothing but haydn).
"
"""i'm keeping my eye on that shopper."" ""where?""
""over there. did you see her just stop, aware
that i saw her pick up
that fine copper cup?
she's a shoplifter, after the copperware!""
"
"i'm aware that i'm on the wrong road,
and i'm speeding?i ought to have slowed,
but i just cannot make
myself put on the brake:
i'm in cognitive dissonance mode.
"
"beware of the dread comma splice,
use a stronger stop?that's my advice.
do you see what i've done
in this verse, in line one?
that comma just doesn't suffice.
"
"an affluent mugger in oshkosh
employed a remarkably posh cosh:
if the victim should bleed
he could pay little heed:
it was also an easy-to-wash cosh.
"
"a very small coin was the chon;
once used in korea, it's gone.
too small for the user,
the chon was a loser:
the one that has won is the won.
"
"a comma's a fault in your song
if a predicate's coming along,
and must never disturb
link 'twixt subject and verb.
(that one in line 2 is quite wrong.)
"
"constipation as theme for this brief
piece of verse caused me effort and grief;
at last, though, the strain
disencumbered my brain.
it's done now ? ah, what a relief!
"
"i've just bought central park?for a song!
the people who sold it belong
(so they say) to the band
of accredited land
consultants: it cannot go wrong!
"
"this story perhaps has a moral.
when she told me her real name was coral,
said i, ""it is plain:
not the kind they call brain.""
the result was a terrible quarrel.
"
"""in the arctic, the seabed we'll seize,""
said putin, ""without saying 'please';
i don't care a copeck
for un or opec:
for oil, that's our private deep-freeze.""
"
"""in this ring, that's a ruby, no doubt?""
""it's colophonite, darling; don't pout!
it's a species of garnet.""
""in that case, goldarn it,
you can simply call off our night out!""
"
"it was fun when we kissed and we flirted,
but the sexual skills she exerted
were far from conventional;
i'd rather not mention all
we did?let's just say, i'm converted!
"
"in china (and long before mao),
an immortal, his name chang kuo lao,
fond of wine and jocundity,
 ""comprehended profundity"",
but no one has yet found out how.
"
"a pianist's marked cheiromegaly
meant a stretch of a tenth was quite beggarly;
with his right thumb on c
he could reach up to b';
with his left he played thirteenths quite reg'arly.
"
"on tv, a white-coated adviser
has warned us: beware of ""coryza""!
that sounds worse than ""a cold"",
so more medicine's sold,
which is dandy for glaxo and pfizer.
"
"if the sexes you're writing about,
and ""a woman,"" you argue, ""without
her man will achieve
nothing good!"", i'll believe
that a comma's been somehow left out.
"
"in his action-filled tales, raymond chandler
has murder; detection; a scandal; a
mysterious dame
(now just what is her game?);
and a shamus who knows how to handle her.
"
"at christmas, as scrooge sat there napping,
a ghost woke him up with loud tapping.
""i am not christmas past,
no, nor future (the last),
but present of course?hence the rapping.""
"
"he was bursting with rage; in his chest
his heart has just stopped.  i'd have guessed?
yes, i'd bet my last dollar?
it was feeling his choler:
in fact, it's a cardiac arrest.
"
"alas for lascivious lydia,
whose love life got giddier and giddier;
from her numerous swains
all she got for her pains
was herpes, bv and chlamydia.
"
"said noah, ""we've too much liquidity
round this ark, so it seems that god did it; he
said that he'd found
we were fit to be drowned;
now he's absolute in his humidity.""
"
"at a marvellous party in tonga
we ended by dancing the conga,
with the whole population
in concatenation:
the line couldn't get any longer!
"
"for his musique concr?te, the composer,
whose tastes were peculiar, chose a
small side drum (soft sticks), a
large size concr?te-mixer,
four flutes, motor horn and bulldozer.
"
"take some oranges, cloves and port wine;
mix and heat till the flavours combine.
can you still pronounce ""triple
episcopal tipple""
when you've drunk of this liquor divine?
"
"when we travel together, it's crass
to complain that i'm mean with my brass:
an economy fare
will still get her there,
while i, of course, fly business class.
"
"the collective unconscious, jung said,
is inherited. those who are dead
left this resource behind.
an odd notion, i find:
was it they put it into his head?
"
"they complained of a man from connecticut
that every acquaintance he met, he cut.
'twas not new england pride,
the poor guy was cross-eyed;
just poor vision, not flouting of etiquette.
"
"why must he put out all the lights
when asserting his conjugal rights?
in the dark his affection
lacks sense of direction
(and last night he just ruined my tights).
"
"john stuart, the 3rd earl of bute:
a botanist, first, of repute;
then the very first scot
to be premier; not,
though, the last ? gordon brown follows suit.
"
"so exciting, to get you undressed!
removing your bra?that's the best:
 with my hands helping gravity,
the cup's smooth concavity
slides from the curve of your breast.
"
"your curves, my dear, always delight:
i was really turned on by the sight
of the double convexity
shown by the sexy t-
shirt you were wearing last night.
"
"when the paper wrote ""gordon brown cares
in the first place for pubic affairs,""
i wonder now, was it a
neglectful compositor,
or some grudge that the editor bears?
"
"my lover's car's green as can be:
biofuel he uses, from c.
acetobutylicum.
but oh, how soon will he come?
biobutanol, bring him to me!
"
"the domestic behaviour, quite dire,
of a fish-and-chip seller named squire
was to batter his wife;
but he did spare her life:
she didn't go into the fryer.
"
"there was a young fellow of dunstable
who joined the police as a constable;
but his speech and vocabulary
don't suit the constabulary:
he pronounces unstable as ""unstable"".
"
"while brooding on sine and on cosine,
the prof didn't notice a ""slow"" sign;
at an angle acute
his car left the route...
of his ultimate fate there is no sign.
"
"little figures, on canvas or wall,
with wings most impractically small,
oft with no detail pubic,
though looking cherubic,
ain't biblical cherubs at all.
"
"as a player of contrafagotto,
i've adopted the following motto:
just accept that there are no
sure means to play piano;
there's always more voce than sotto.
"
"""hey, waiter! come here just a mo!
this coffee is awful, you know?
it tastes just like mud!""
said he, ""figures, bud;
it was ground just ten minutes ago.""
"
"if with thousands of troops, foot and horse, he can
conquer europe, we fear with that force he can
cross la manche to invade.
yet we'll not be dismayed:
we defy him, that upstart, the corsican!
"
"not all reference books deign to note it.
from literary works i can't quote it;
you won't find codswallop
in dickens or trollope;
henry james didn't use it. (he wrote it.)
"
"some people say pollack for coalfish,
but that doesn't mean it's the sole fish
of that name in the sea.
let's have pollock for tea:
they're big, so we won't need a whole fish.
"
"though reluctant at first, full of shame,
she soon yielded, and joined in the game,
for i knew how to please her.
and so, just like caesar:
i saw her; i conquered; she came.
"
"the passage was marked as con sord.,
but something i couldn't afford
was a real fiddle mute.
a penny would suit;
it fell out in the largo.  oh lord!
"
"all mail to the feminine gender
should be carefully checked by the sender;
""dearest jane"" should have read
""dearest vicky"" instead?
it won't help now to send corrigenda.
"
"for a number, the romans concatenate
their letters. you couldn't call that innate,
but it's how they were taught
to write figures (no nought);
and so viii is a latin 8.
"
"""when i checked weight-and-balance today,""
said the pilot, ""it wasn't ok;
since my own weight's so high, it
would seem i must diet:
cleared to take off some pounds! chocs away!""
"
"from the floor, where the audience can't see:
caesar's corpse, making faces at me!
while brutus just gawps,
i'm afraid i shall corpse:
""friends, romans...oh god...hee, hee, hee!""
"
"though it's one of the finest of fishes,
this conger eel frequently wishes
that its name, conger conger,
had been even longer;
it's planning to breed a subspecies.
"
"a lawyer in old copenhagen
for his fees always drives a hard bargain:
they're concealed, you will find,
in the contract you've signed,
couched in incomprehensible jargon.
"
"why such interest last weekend, i ruminate,
paid to plants (in my shop) biacuminate?
seven students of botany
asked if i'd got any;
yesterday business was boomin' ? eight!
"
"citharichthys ? now just have a stab
at pronouncing that word-from-the-lab;
we non-scientists may
find it simpler to say
what we call such a fish: the sand dab.
"
"to his chick said a testy old vulture,
""hey, kid, i don't mean to insult ya,
but ya won't find no prey
in that wifi cafe:
guess yer hooked on that darn coffee culture.""
"
"see these criminals? they are the ones
who preyed on the weak, and the johns.
if you'd turn them from crime
it will take all your time:
you must study the pros and the cons.
"
"we decided we'd take a short trip away,
and visit those people called chippeway:
not the best appellation
for ojibwa (the nation) ?
at least the last ""y"" you should clip away.
"
"a council-house tenant, 'twas said,
didn't keep all his coal in the shed
that was known as the coal house,
but used?of the whole house?
the superfluous bathroom instead.
"
"i've had more than enough of the law:
i won't draw up deeds any more.
the hell with  conveyancing!
now i'll just play and sing?
as minstrel at large, door-to-door.
"
"two sexy young ladies from brussels
wore old-fashioned dresses with bustles,
to attract men's attention
to the shape and dimension
of their feminine gluteal muscles.
"
"baron corvo, hack writer, failed priest;
to his friends, unpredictable beast;
if he cherished the hope
of once ruling as pope,
he achieved it in fiction at least.
"
"""this bit that produces the spores,
what's it called? (tests on fungi are bores!)""
well, if you are sharp,
then conidiocarp
you will say, and the prize will be yours.
"
"those sinners who push evolution
(not as ""theory"", no! ? as ""solution""),
god chose to create them;
it's sinful to hate them.
(let's pray for divine retribution.)
"
"i invented a batting machine,
to practise my bowling, i mean;
i did well to survive
its very first drive
(i ducked).  now i'm rather less keen.
"
"i know hardware and software, but please,
what is cogware? it means that one sees
little cog-wheels that go
in one's laptop? ah, no:
mediaeval coarse cloth, just like frieze.
"
"our worship's no longer idolatry,
we don't kneel to a statue, a hole, a tree;
we adore (how bizarre!)
the latest pop star,
or a footballer (that's anthropolatry).
"
"we doctors should all be aware
that, although the condition is rare,
cytomegalovirus
will sometimes require us
to check newborn babies with care.
"
"in your class, there's a certain upheaval:
young johnny has caught something evil.
it's curculionidous;
do watch what johnny does ?
don't say you're seeing no weevil.
"
"consultants, who haven't a clue,
earn by counselling others who do.
why not get with the cult and see
how a consultancy
makes lots of money for you?
"
"a wave washed her infant away,
so ruth began fiercely to pray:
""o lord, please restore him!""
back the next wave then bore him.
""where's his hat then?"" was all she would say.
"
"when we bawl, mom and dad can't ignore us;
it's lucky for us they adore us.
poor dears! ? for their sins,
they went and had twins.
come on, sibling!  we'll start the dawn chorus!
"
"my surgeon, sebastian jonah,
keeps assuring me i am the owner
of a very fine spleen;
so i fear that i'm seen
as a future cadaveric donor.
"
"i did not go to prague for a date,
but for chess ? and the games were all great!
ever since, though, i've been
held in check by the queen,
for i now have a lovely czech mate.
"
"not getting to first base with laurel,
i spiked her next drink with some chloral.
when she woke (in my bed),
it got into her head
that my conduct was somehow immoral.
"
"on the wing of the skull's sphenoid bone
(just in front of your ear ? and your phone),
should you batter gaddafi on
this, the crotaphion,
he'd fall to the ground with a groan.
"
"to undermine israel i've planned:
a diaspora ? that would be grand!
as a true anti-zionist,
i work with an eye on est-
ablishing an un-holy land.
"
"twelve years have now passed in succession
since her trespass, her legal transgression.
i'm afraid now she's not a
mere invader or squatter,
but holding by adverse possession.
"
"my hospital stay is endurable
since they say my mild ailment is curable;
and there's one pretty sister?
i haven't yet kissed her,
but there's something that tells me she's lurable.
"
"arithmetic tells us a lot.
there are 10 kinds of folk we have got:
those who grasp (i can't list 'em)
the binary system;
and then there are those who do not.
"
"an incautious, and ravenous, panther
took a bite from a large coryphantha;
when his mate asked him why,
he could only reply:
""with thith mouthful of thpines, i can't anthwer.""
"
"you will need a few playing-card troops
who can bend themselves into neat loops
if you want to play croquet.
flamingos, too, ok?
and hedgehogs to roll through the hoops.
"
"i'm afraid that i didn't detect a
trace of skill in that film about hector.
when i heard the first ""prithee"",
i thought, ""alan smithee
is going to be named as director.""
"
"a limerick writer named grant
stressed words in a way aberrant:
said he, ""it looks odd,
but my special method
means i rhyme many words that you can't!""
"
"we all laugh at the man of darjeeling,
and the use that he made of the ceiling;
but the fellow who sat
just beneath where he spat
expressed a more negative feeling.
"
"""in this stud-book of sheep, for each lamb
i don't give the ewe, but the ram.
a sire is named here,
but, frankly, my dear,""
said the breeder, ""i don't give a dam.""
"
"a barrister met a barista;
he ordered a latte, then kissed her.
she complained that the barrister
sexually harassed her,
and left without paying ? the twister!
"
"the emperor's spirit is ferried
to the underworld, guarded by serried
lines of soldiers of clay,
all in battle array:
shaped skilfully, just to be buried.
"
"though he claims he's a pukka oxonian,
i'm inclined to believe he's a phony 'un:
i asked, ""if that's true,
why's your blazer light blue?""
he replied, ""well you see, i'm daltonian.""
"
"when i mentioned to senator jim
that his chances of nookey were dim,
i never once dreamt
i'd be booked for contempt
of congress ? of congress with him!
"
"don't challenge our team to beer pong,
though your pride in your skill may be strong;
when our ball's in your cup
you must drink the beer up:
your aim won't be perfect for long!
"
"in the seas twixt byzantium and crete,
athens ruled, through the ships of its fleet.
it was at aegospotami
the spartan fleet got 'em. i
weep for their tragic defeat.
"
"what's coxalgia? -algia's ""pain"",
from the greek, therefore that much is plain;
it's a pain that affects
the male organ of sex?
no, that's not what it is: think again.
"
"anamorphisms, drawn on the wall,
make you see, from the end of the hall,
a picture, spread wide;
if you're not at the side,
then you can't see the damn thing at all.
"
"a political modification
sharply changing the fate of the nation:
it's tough rhyming coup d'?tat
save with tweety-pie's ""puddy-tat"".
(irrelevant, that observation.)
"
"the writer e. clerihew bentley
insisted, quite firmly though gently,
""i write only four
lines  per verse, and no more.""
? ??????????? *
__________
* (so this one is only here mentally.)
"
"columbus, alas! set the pattern:
on the new world the old world would batten.
with no santa maria
we wouldn't be here,
and the indians would still have manhattan.
"
"i'm so glad that you're proud to be gay,
this is truly a red-letter day.
you've come out of the closet?
not so difficult, was it?
(now it's clear, i can put things away.)
"
"my violin sang, con amore,
and her cello replied: oh, what glory!
said the dour second fiddle,
who envied our idyll,
""this is mozart, and not west side story"".
"
"your works are unjustly neglected?
you don't get the praise you expected?
let that man in the mirror?see??
join the conspiracy
of silence that you have detected.
"
"the rules of the conflict of laws
apply when the facts of the cause
involve more than one system
of law. (if you twist 'em,
it's a problem the judge just ignores.)
"
"father jim is becoming obsessional
about dubious doings congressional;
but he can't say a word
'cause it's something he heard
in the secrecy of the confessional.
"
"""you may find my new pets unfamiliar:
they are cross-breeds ? of group crocodilia.
just watch while i mate a
recalcitrant gator
and a caiman (hold still there now, will ya?).""
"
"it is made from the sap of coquitos,
this wine (brush away those mosquitoes);
please relax, take your ease.
and look, there, in the trees:
it's a sloth, of the kind that has three toes!
"
"for the fighting around armenti?res
they gave me a medal to wear;
if i hadn't been killed,
i'd sure have been thrilled
to be holding the french croix de guerre.
"
"in my garden i planted crape myrtle,
not too deep, for an excess of dirt'll
produce root suffocation.
i'll provide irrigation
from the pond where i keep my pet turtle.
"
"in the football he kicked, tom had put
some saltpetre, some sulphur, and soot,
to make a small bomb?
like this verse, poor old tom
is now missing a foot.
"
"if this scot knew his goodwife was loose,
then he wouldn't be crawing so crouse.
he philanders, of course;
should we tell him that sauce
for the gander is sauce for the goose?
"
"he's all smiles just as soon as he sees us
as if his sole aim were to please us;
says, ""bless you, dear friends""?
all to gain his own ends.
i would call him a real creeping jesus.
"
"i once saw a swiss skier swerve
off a bend in the piste, with great verve,
which led him to yodel,
""at least i'm acnodal:
not on, but still part of, the curve!""
"
"i tell of a man of nepal, and a
hindu girl (name of kaarjal), and a
pre-arranged night
when they'd meet: first of chait.
frustration was due to the calendar.
"
"""a new language,"" said anne, ""opens doors.
portuguese is our choice, mine and laur's,
and it should bring us nearer
nice jobs in madeira,
as 'otel staff?or maybe azores?""
"
"world war one ended near to compi?gne,
with the armistice signed on a train.
world war two: the defeat
of the french was complete
when that same train was brought out again.
"
"in my ice-cream, a lump that i spotted
was something that seemed to have rotted;
it should not have been there,
so, consumer, beware!
for all is not cream that is clotted.
"
"you've heard of the burning bush, flame
seen by moses; but here i can claim
rather recondite knowledge:
outside eton college
there's a lamp with this biblical name.
"
"the printer i bought from the phelpses
won't print i's; and the one thing that helps is
to add them by hand,
'cause folk don't understand
when it prints out ""ellipses"" as ""ellpses"".
"
"the record collector keith phelps
adores old 33s he calls ""elps"";
he'll play one to prove
he's not stuck in a groove:
""you don't have to be mad?to be mad?to be mad?to be mad?[click] but it helps.""
"
"as a mimic, he's really a star:
he did churchill last night in the bar;
the performance was grand,
but since smoking is banned,
he was close but (alas!) no cigar.
"
"why bother with words like accumber?
i've said it now times without number:
why accumber your brain
with such words ? quite in vain,
since it means just the same as encumber?
"
"in our company, all the big shots
seem to tie up our systems in knots;
in our management team
we've the cream of the cream,
which is why there are so many clots.
"
"said descartes, ""my whole brain's feeling numb;
i've no certainty now whether sum.
i feel nothing but doubt,
though i'm sure i'd worked out
that cogito, ergo...er, um...""
"
"my girl took me out to a shaw play;
a wordy but hard-to-ignore play.
when act iii was done,
we went home for some fun:
the drama, for me, is just foreplay.
"
"the damsel fish lurks in the sea,
self-centred as ever could be.
hunting food in the deeps,
all it finds there, it keeps;
seems pretty dam' selfish to me.
"
"i applied for a travel award
for the cost, which i couldn't afford,
of pursuing my sweetie,
who'd left for tahiti:
i just want to study a broad.
"
"the cost of my ""daily"" rose ever
more steeply (her pricing was clever).
so i made her first ""weekly"",
then ""monthly""; and meekly
i admit now for me she's a ""never"".
"
"i emerged from post-operative coma;
they had dealt with a chondroblastoma.
said the surgeon, ""that's fine!
though... i'd thought it benign.
seems 'benign' was perhaps... a misnomer.""
"
"when i talked of the plants that i handle,
my hearers sensed terrible scandal:
since i said i'd seen broomrape,
they felt bound to assume rape
with a broomstick by some wicked vandal.
"
"there are editors savage as bears,
so fierce that their workshopping scares;
my versified witticisms
attract pungent criticisms?
but at least i can criticise theirs!
"
"my wife loves me no whit the less
wearing skirts (i mean me!): i cross-dress.
she gives me permission
to strut, on condition
she still wears the trousers. oh yes!
"
"the loss of the ring was a scandal;
was the cardinal robbed by some vandal?
the jackdaw of rheims
was the culprit, it seems,
and was cursed, using bell, book and candle.
"
"did concupy mean, in the play,
a concubine? who now can say?
even shakespeare preferred
to use this strange word
only once; make of that what you may!
"
"it started as ovum plus sperm;
in my womb it's beginning to squirm.
now it's not just a lump:
they have measured crown-rump,
and the length shows it's almost at term.
"
"the verses you'll find in our database
defining such words as ""abate, abase?,""
and so on, through d,
will continue to z,
as a lexicographical greater base.
"
"concentration, i fear, must have slipped ? oh!
why did i select the word crypto-
zoological? i'm
now quite stuck for a rhyme,
as around and around it i tiptoe.
"
"the prof longed to see her undressed; it
had him completely obsessed; it
turned his mind topsy-turvy:
the extent of her curvi-
linearity (as he expressed it).
"
"if there's any joint project, i'll head it;
the report at the end i shall edit;
i've the gift of the gab,
so in fact most collab-
orations mean i get the credit.
"
"caught stealing to feed my addictions,
in court i'll devise clever fictions,
which is easy for me:
i've the courage, you see,
of my (numerous prior) convictions.
"
"each day you feel steadily dreamier?
you suffer perhaps from anaemia.
now, i'm different again:
like most overweight men,
my problem's cholesterolaemia.
"
"at the meet, if you'd look like a toff,
don't wear clothes that will make people scoff.
if you wear antigropelos
it's disastrous if no pal owes
you a duty to warn: ""take them off!""
"
"when i swallow, do you hear a rustle?
it's my cricopharyngeus muscle;
it's down in my larynx ?
oh no, i mean pharynx!
learning medical terms is a tussle.
"
"the verses you write, i would bet,
are the best to be found on the net.
but alas! there's no way
to make verse-writing pay;
don't give up the day job just yet.
"
"how learned indeed is your sister!
she knows all about protoctista
and the phylum cryptophyta;
but what does it profit her?
it wasn't for that that i kissed her.
"
"copyrightable work of your brain?
so you say, but your claim is in vain.
we all know the tale
of the girl and the pail;
it's now in the public domain.
"
"don giovanni was truly a cad,
for kissing and telling is bad;
the dissolute fellow
employed leporello
to recall all the women he'd had.
"
"a patient's voice rang in my ear,
yet across my desk no-one seemed near.
""hey, doctor! come on!
my problem's achon-
drogenesis: look, i'm down here!""
"
"at rehearsal, a fiddler named zoffany
once asked if i had some colophony.
so i passed her what was in
my case, i.e., rosin;
but somehow she couldn't rub off any.
"
"stress oedilf as this dictionary's name
(please, no oedilf: that's just not the same);
though it's counterintuitive,
here we must do it if
ever we hope for acclaim.
"
"a young would-be hunter named smith
thought the kick of a gun was a myth.
a recoiling .410
struck his jaw, and since then
the poor chap hath been talking like thith.
"
"the knight who brought help to fair marion
said the charge on his shield was a clarion;
but nobody knew
what it was, or could do.
(that's heraldry?cor, what a carry-on!)
"
"i'd distrust the supreme ayatollah less
were his clerical costume not collarless.
look there under his beard:
don't you think it looks weird?
do his shirts perhaps cost him a dollar less?
"
"at her feet i'm a humble petitioner:
how can one so unkempt proposition her?
if i make my hair sleek
i'll have courage to speak:
first shampoo, then apply the conditioner.
"
"from his birth to the time that he dies,
a man's life makes a book of great size;
and yet this modest quarto
contains my whole auto-
biography. (most of it's lies.)
"
"now here's a crab-eating macaque,
a baby ? its coat is still black.
i've no crabs for its diet
so thought i would try it
with shrimps ? but it spat them all back.
"
"in the bell tower, assuming you climb
to the belfry, you'll find there a chimb.
so my dictionary spells
the name for these bells;
but that isn't the way it spells rhimb.
"
"""my country is neutral, by damn!
and yet my consignment of ham
has been seized in this war,
and destroyed, what is more!""
""angary?"" ""hell, i sure am!""
"
"guess what, in vaginofixation,
is stitched by a neat operation
to the abdominal wall?
this is also called col-
popexy  (a sexy salvation!).
"
"the bosun that day started bawling
a sea-shanty, while we were hauling.
cried the crew of the cougnar:
""you can't sing in tune ? yah!""
(the discipline? frankly, appalling.)
"
"when milton referred to the crowtoe,
he couldn't of course add a photo;
we assume what he's written
means a plant found in britain
(not in delhi, new york, or kyoto).
"
"is another man's wife a temptation?
you may have to pay compensation.
not just intimate chat,
but more action than that
makes it criminal, that conversation.
"
"""i thought we would build it in pink stone,
a sort of ice-cream (don't you think?) stone.""
""for a jail? i'd say, no! no light
stone, but pure phonolite;
for the clink it has got to be clinkstone!""
"
"said the surgeon in cleveland: ""now why, o
why can i not employ cryo-
thalamectomy here?""
the answer is clear:
it's not cold enough there in ohio.
"
"next door, they've a pestilent cockatoo;
it squawks and it talks; it's a mocker too.
whenever that bird
makes its raucous voice heard,
i rebuke it by hurling a rock or two.
"
"""if you steal, from the mine, copper arsenide,""
to the youths of his flock explained parson hyde,
""there's no court prosecution,
but a simple solution:
you'll get tanned by a big copper ? arse 'n hide.""
"
"over finding a flat, we've had wrangles;
looking round ? that's a job that entangles.
with my trusty circumferentor
i'm sure to find some for rent, or
at least i'll have covered the angles.
"
"if you plan, one fine day, to escape
to a peaceful retreat on the cape
with your male friend, define
where you're drawing the line,
lest a day trip involve a date rape.
"
"when pentheus was offered a chance
to spy on the lustful bacchantes,
and donned female attire,
the outcome was dire:
he lost so much more than his pants.
"
"at our theatre, we thought we'd put on
that ""most tragical"" drama, chronon-
hotonthologos,
but it made such a loss
both the play and the theatre are gone.
"
"this is typed on a much-mortgaged chattel ?
my computer ?  now lost in the battle.
the bailiff's expected
to come to collect it.
a knock at the door!   i fear that'll
"
"jewish david stood up, self-reliant,
with his slingshot to topple the giant.
now goliath's israeli,
and against him stands daily
palestinian david, defiant.
"
"these goods have stayed quietly stored
yet have legally traveled abroad
through france, belgium and greece,
while my profits increase.
yes, of course, it's a carousel fraud.
"
"for our nudist excursion next may
we are planning to sail round the bay.
i think we can do
without captain and crew,
so we'll charter a bareboat, ok?
"
"by the guns our advance was impeded;
lord cardigan therefore proceeded
to attack, with the aid
of the whole light brigade.
(a battery charger was needed.)
"
"take boswell's advice, in this ballad:
for the doctor, don't put in the salad
any product cucumiform,
or you'll see johnson's gloomy form
refusing the dish, as invalid.
"
"our fishing was spoiled when the fog set
in heavy, and one of the dogs ate
what was left of our bait.
all we've caught there, to date,
is blue perch, what the indians call chogset.
"
"till the deal's done, the cheque is despatched,
in your dreams do not get too attached
to the hoped-for amount
of your profits: don't count
your chickens before they are hatched.
"
"? males chose a ? ? test:
perhaps ? rays turn out the best
way to bake apple ??
but the dough caused a ?
when it ?'s so much more than they'd guessed.
"
"darwinians everywhere greeted
the day old beliefs were defeated:
that glorious morn
richard dawkins was born.
(so now evolution's completed.)
"
"we're committed by treaty, no doubt;
we can't increase our catches without
breach of strict limitations
on fishing  crustaceans.
the solution: we'll just crawfish out.
"
"now i've fully got over that seizure,
my life has become somewhat easier:
all is working again
in my body and brain ?
though i do have a bit of ? what's its name again? ? it's on the tip of my tongue?
"
"to the f?hrer declared neville chamberlain,
""the sudetenland ? german in name, berlin ?
that you want to annex
still belongs to the czechs;
we're not going to fall for your game, berlin!""
"
"i thought i would look up dapatical,
its meaning and nature grammatical:
in this dictionary here
it says ""sumptuous in cheer"",
which means ...? (i don't know. problematical.)
"
"you can trust to the oak and the ash;
ophelia though was more rash.
aslant the deep brook,
a crack willow she took
as support for her garland; then?
"
"i'll employ in these verses of mine
what is really a musical sign:
please read just once more
these lines one to four;d.c.
and then you may read the last line.
"
"i've a lovely voice, forte or piano,
and can act; yet it seems that there are no
operatic parts written
(except by b. britten)
for me: i'm a star boy soprano.
"
"though sacred in tribal opinion,
they succumbed to the white man's dominion.
charcoal fires, for refining,
saw these fine trees declining:
californian single-leaf pinyon.
"
"our new ceo, who'd decide on
redundancies, sure never cried on
pronouncing our doom;
boasts that she's a new broom;
whereas we think that's what she must ride on.
"
"our founder, and wise eic,
chris strolin's the dedicatee
of this reverent lim:
praise and honour to him!
(ok, chris? now, what's in it for me?)
"
"our vicar's wife brought relief speedily
to those who were living too needily:
while he wordily prayed
to the heavens for aid,
she came to their help ? and right deedily.
"
"add a number and fraction, where 1
is above the line (now you've begun);
then below do the same,
and continue the game
to infinity, or till you're done.
"
"i can't tell you how painful my plight is;
with weeping i've drenched several nighties.
my kidney's aflame,
and my bladder the same:
i have cystopyelonephritis.
"
"despite your accomplished seduction,
my nerve fibers suffer reduction
of the highly essential
transmembrane potential,
and thus, marked decremental conduction.
"
"the beggar who lived by the city gate
had a fault that no virtue could mitigate:
you'd to open your purse
and give alms, or he'd curse
you most heartily, i.e., delitigate.
"
"""this diamond,"" she said, ""i was dazed
by the size of it ? really amazed!
but it's now become clear
what you think of me, dear:
in the meantime, i got it appraised.""
"
"when one person's word is the law,
that's dictatorship. do not ignore
or contest the decrees
addressed to you, please:
say ""yes, dear,"" and not a word more.
"
"i've fitted my lamps with a dimmer
that reduces their light to a glimmer,
to protect my weak sight;
the result is, tonight,
that i can't see to finish this limer
"
"this limerick-writing is not
an art that i practise a lot;
is it five lines, or four?
or perhaps even more?
i fear i know diddly-squat.
"
"i am earnestly hoping, by dint
of strenuous work, without stint,
this strange term to define
(see last word in first line),
or at least to have given some hint.
"
"i indulge in wild rages vesuvian
when they call my work antediluvian.
ok, i build villas
with elegant pillars:
my buildings are classic vitruvian.
"
"an aussie may comment, ""fair dinkum!""
on a girl, or your house, or your income,
or a book, or a show,
or maybe a row
of glasses of foster's (then drink 'em).
"
"there are various uses for dice,
like board games, or gambling (a vice).
those american chaps
have a game they call ""craps"",
a name i find somehow not nice.
"
"i've kicked dipsomania, i think:
i've pulled myself back from the brink.
now i've cut myself loose,
sworn off from the juice,
let's celebrate! let's have a drink!
"
"said a learned divine, ""god is good,
and a deity ? that's understood.
thus divine was his plan
that involved loving man;
but i cannot divine why he should.""
"
"born with marked diastematocrania
(anapestic, you'll note!), in albania,
i've this cranial fissure
(so says an ill-wisher)
to blame for my limerickomania.
"
"""what's an enzyme (i bet you can't guess)
that makes these here peptides process
from poly- to di-,
by hydrolysis?"" ""why,
dipeptidyl peptidase!"" ""yes.""
"
"""just look at this beast, anne,"" said teacher;
""do you see that abdominal feature?
what does it resemble, anne?
that's right: a collembolan;
it can spring ? oops, it's gone! (curse the creature!)""
"
"a latin verb wanted to find
a young noun, of the feminine kind;
""let's indulge in some syn-
-tax!"" said he, to begin.
""let us conjugate."" she, though, declined.
"
"it was pulled by four horses, or two:
the diligence, transport one knew
would convey one to rome
and then safely back home,
if driven with diligence due.
"
"please observe just how vacant his stare is,
how disheveled his long-untrimmed hair is;
there isn't a word
of the lesson he's heard:
he's not here ? he's away with the fairies.
"
"on a fast day, i ate a fat beetle!
uncertain of whether this feat'll
be considered a sin,
i called the pope in;
he said no, in a lengthy decretal.
"
"the bargain was hard; but i drove it.
i felt i had found treasure trove; it
was what i'd long sought!
now i'm hauled up in court
for the price, 'cause i signed a cognovit.
"
"i have just spent the whole afternoon
in rehearsal ? on contrabassoon.
as the wind section's bass,
my deep notes have their place;
but will someone please write me a tune?
"
"in a ball lying sweetly curled up
(in almost the shape of a pup
with its head on its ass),
here lies my sweet lass ?
is she dreaming of chocolate to sup?
"
"i've signed and i've sealed a deed poll:
an american name was my goal.
people said ""beg your pardon?""
'cos my dutch name was ""hardon"";
but now my name's ""hyman r. soul"".
"
"let us depeter ? that's what we call
pressing stones in a soft-plastered wall,
for a surface quite rough,
like tooled stone. that's enough:
you do not split the pebbles at all.
"
"my bridge partner's dumb ? he can't speak.
""four hearts"", though, he bid (looking meek)
by signs chirological.
this looked quite a dodgy call,
but set off a fine winning streak.
"
"these cells display, when i add pieces
of stilton, marked chemokinesis:
each spins on its axis;
no more chemotaxis
(page 10 of my doctoral thesis).
"
"i'll explain what my friend thomas more does
as bookshop assistant in borders:
with his wide christian knowledge, he
finds works of theology;
priests call, and he takes holy orders.
"
"the debt that my son-in-law owes,
for the bank is an asset: a chose
in action, at law.
to define it much more
i would have to explain it in prose.
"
"in ancient days, rather than bicker
o'er the right to be naming the vicar,
they had darrein presentment:
this legal event meant
a judicial decree ? slightly quicker.
"
"i'm from india; so p'rhaps are you?
from delhi? chennai, like me too?
on location, i'm hazy,
but you're desi ? desi?
give me your answer, do!
"
"this tailoring school is a farce:
haute couture that they're teaching? my arse!
yes, they've sold us a pup;
we've been neatly stitched up.
i am cutting today's cutting class.
"
"his honour judge crossbill presided;
the judgment he gave was misguided.
 he was bribed, i could see,
to decide against me.
""curvirostral, this court!"" i decided.
"
"by the way in which words are aligned
in this sentence, its meaning's defined.
in another technique
(as in german and greek),
meaning's shown by the way they're declined.
"
"""them daffodils there, by the lake,
i keep them for old william's sake.
'ten thousand' he saw?
no, two hundred, not more;
even poets can make a mistake.""
"
"said a tree frog, ""it's getting quite late;
i shall never succeed at this rate;
but i will not go back till
a fair discodactyl
i find, who will join me, and mate.""
"
"the bottle fish causes dismay
by selecting huge fishes as prey
up to three times its size;
to their shame and surprise,
it then swallows them down straight away.
"
"as to diets, i see this dichotomy:
there are those that would not leave a lot o' me,
while those i indulge in
result in gross bulgin',
a figure all paunchy and bottom-y.
"
"our ambitious young district attorney
set out on a crime-busting journey;
alas! it was crime
did the busting, this time:
that's him over there on the gurney.
"
"this ditty's defining a ditty:
a verse, short and rhythmic and witty,
that will trip off the tongue?
oh ? it's meant to be sung?
then this isn't a ditty. a pity.
"
"though i'm aging, my dear, i'm still game
for your little swiss trip. all the same,
i'll need somewhere to rest;
you say this place is best?
called dignitas? what an odd name!
"
"said a dinosaur once to his mate,
""god intended us, p'rhaps, to frustrate
what charles darwin might say;
so i've done it today:
his forebear's the man i just ate.""
"
"when listing the three known dimensions,
there's away, up, and sideways, one mentions.
the scientists swear
there are others ""out there"";
but i think they're merely inventions.
"
"this rug (though its colours are harsh)
is a good one; you see the abrash?
that's the varying range
of the dyes' colour change
as they age (like my greying moustache).
"
"a singer, a skilful sight-reader,
was trying out beethoven lieder,
but a fine mess he made
of the word ""adelaide"",
till he sang it as ""adelaide"".
"
"the scholar grows vaguer and dribblier,
his handwriting weaker and scribblier,
with advancing senility
bringing futility:
non-books, just biblia abiblia.
"
"the bust i had made of my wife
shows the sculptor's great skill with the knife.
it was done in my favou-
rite demi-rilievo:
yet her bust stands out well (as in life).
"
"""we've a mad abbot here (saint-maurice),""
said a monk, ""and he gives us no peace.
as an abbot who's nullius
he's quite free to bully us;
the bishop can't tell him to cease.""
"
"ablepharus: genus of skink.
they have eyes so arranged they can't blink;
a feature that makes
them resemble all snakes
(except for the blind snakes, i think).
"
"the choirmaster's strict (he's a german);
keep the choir books clean! that he's firm on.
you're in for it, if on a
latin antiphoner
you've been doodling during the sermon.
"
"i knew i'd get thoroughly ticked off,
from the it team maybe get kicked off,
were i caught watching porn,
so my session that morn
was short, and quite hastily clicked off.
"
"i've drugged myself into a coma,
for a small desmoplastic fibroma
hurts like hell in my spine.
for the docs, it's ""benign"",
but i'd say that that's a misnomer.
"
"""had i first turned the key in the door lock,
then my manservant (tugging his forelock)
would not have come in
to announce, with a grin,
'scuse me, sir, there's this person from porlock.' ...""
"
"i attended a conversazione,
where the talk was slick, learned ? and phony;
when i ventured, ""expect you all
are, like, intellectual?""
the silence was instant, and stony.
"
"his sudden cry filled me with dread:
""true evils, those, there in the bread!
for collectors, a bonny day ?
curculionidae!""
(then i grasp that it's ""weevils"" he said.)
"
"""an arteriovenous anas-
tomosis is one that will pass
from an artery straight
to a vein... hey, now, wait!""
(his listeners departed en masse.)
"
"when a bus chose one day to invade
my front lawn, here's the claim that i laid:
distress damage feasant.
though cattle it isn't,
compensation thus had to be paid.
"
"said a double-wide owner named kit,
""extra wheels i shall now have to fit
to my half of the trailer;
wife's fled with a sailor,
insisting our assets be split.""
"
"tired of brief briefs, or sexy and coy shorts,
i've just started wearing those boy shorts,
but my boyfriend says, ""hell,
now you've no vpl!""
voyeurs find them made-to-annoy shorts.
"
"they have family arms  ? that's what they say;
their pretensions are so in-your-face, eh?
on a white shield, y'know,
there's a red band, set low.
it's called ""argent, a fess gules abaiss?.""
"
"i share with my sisters (coparceny)
our father's estate. what a farce! any
wealth he'd created
was long dissipated,
and he lived, in his old age, by larceny.
"
"said a network designer named blackett,
""i'm too old now and really can't hack it;
my employers keep bitching
about defects in switching:
they can take their damn data and packet!""
"
"that there shootin's a dangerous hobby:
you'll remember the death of cock robbie.
how did a young sparrow
obtain bow and arrow?
it's the fault of the nra lobby.
"
"in my bedroom, the window has crizzel,
so the view looks like permanent drizzle;
and the neighbours can't see
my bedfellow and me
when the atmosphere's starting to sizzle.
"
"let us postulate first: ""i love you"";
you love me? then the converse is true;
the opposite, though,
would be if i said, ""no,
i don't love you at all!"" (but i do.)
"
"should you remonstrate, we,
that my limerick's rubbish, you'll see
how i counter-attack,
how i remonstrate back:
a contraremonstrant ? that's me!
"
"the technical name of the ""whooper"" ?
a swan  ?  would suggest something super:
is it called cygnus cygnus
because of its bigness,
or is such duplication a blooper?
"
"if you're frightened, then maybe your blood'll
either crudle or curdle or cruddle;
though this may seem absurd,
they are all the same word,
but the spelling's got into a muddle.
"
"the housepainter chose to ignore
my choice of pale colours; what's more,
it is lasting, his stain.
therefore never again,
wretched man, never darken my door!
"
"at first all went well, from day one,
and the next six days too ? rather fun!
it wasn't till eve
he began to believe
he had much better not have begun.
"
"for my birthday, he gave me two ankhs;
i feared it was one of his pranks ?
he's just such a smarty.
""they're cruces ansatae.""
""oh, indeed? then, the latin for 'thanks'.""
"
"in my painting (called mother), she dandles
her child, and the glow from two candles
sets a scene that's so happy.
the critics said, ""crappy?
is she changing its nappy?"" the vandals!
"
"though some ailments appear in my songs,
there are syndromes i'd not touch with tongs.
there's one that's called crow-
fukase ? although
in poems is where it belongs!
"
"in my childhood, when playing monopoly,
there were some things i didn't grasp properly,
thus ""community chest""
was the same, i'd have guessed,
as ""chance"". (yes, i thought rather sloppily.)
"
"this thistle, a weed and a pest,
with tough leaves and sharp spines and the rest,
though cursed by all others,
may help nursing mothers,
and that's why it's blessed and blessed.
"
"my subject is ephydra: brine fly.
not a fishing type (bait on your line) fly,
it is found near the sea,
or salt lakes. (you'll agree
it wasn't a hard-to-define fly.)
"
"a threat to your sexual delight is
the condition called deferentitis;
if the tube for your sperm
gets inflamed by a germ,
ooh! how painful your honeymoon night is!
"
"""let us gamble,"" said he, with a smile,
""on the toss of a coin: cross and pile!""
when he won every toss,
it was i that was cross;
my whole pile had been lost to his guile!
"
"monkey puzzle trees grew all around,
he remembers, that parcel of ground;
at the thought of those chile pines,
years after still he pines:
that was where love was first found.
"
"in this verse, do you see a deficiency?
yes, i've left out a line,
but 'twas done by design:
i'm breaking away from tradition, see?
"
"one kidney (while i'm still alive)'ll
be given (ensuring survival)
to my son (""to"" ? that's dative);
my treatment's ablative ?
taking ""from"" me (so that's ablatival).
"
"""let these flowers define what you are,
as an actress, when seen from afar!""
(though she starred in the show,
she was too dumb to know
that the flower's called ""dense blazing star"".)
"
"said a vampire, ""my starving condition
comes from problems with faulty dentition.
i have really wide spaces
and fangs in wrong places,
so i'm fainting from pure inanition.""
"
"for towels and other bath linen,
there's a quite inconspicuous bin in
my bathroom. it's neat,
and it's also discreet,
'cause it serves as the place i keep gin in.
"
"this obsolete word i've found, bead-roll,
may seem both to you and to me droll.
it lists those, passed away,
for whom someone must pray;
as catholics, that's our agreed role.
"
"my friend dawn, who is terribly bright,
only sleeps a few hours every night.
her husband, named fred,
brings her cola in bed;
it's his job to buy dawn's early lite.
"
"i had to get after the men till
they had properly shaped every dentil
on my building's fa?ade,
for unless they tried hard,
one might come out shaped like a lentil.
"
"a cystourethrogram shows
how your urine, internally, flows.
for external projection
the choice of direction
is still up to you, i suppose.
"
"seeking peace by the waterside, angling
pleases many; but some fishes, wrangling
about proper quotas,
worry anti-sports voters.
(my modifiers seem to be dangling.)
"
"i was barely awake: i was just up,
when i saw my whole undies-drawer mussed up,
and my sister ? aha! ?
trying my push-up bra;
i said, ""so, you were wanting a bust-up?""
"
"as a breather, you'd better install
a breather (a vent) in this wall;
if not, you should either
go out for a breather,
or else do no breathing at all.
"
"no sun on my skin during june!
i'll be lacking the vitamin soon
that's called cholecalciferol.
i wonder now if a role
of this kind could be played by the moon?
"
"""what you did in the car with my sister,
through the window i saw ? what a vista!
your deep exhalation
had caused condensation,
but then ?  you switched on the demister!""
"
"what's eversible (it would appear),
and smells, so they say, pretty queer?
i guess there are few men
who know it's a crumen:
the lacrimal gland of a deer.
"
"your radio talks on ""our doom!""
are not doing much for our cume:
each time you begin, it
is barely a minute
ere listeners switch off your gloom.
"
"my broker believes in the bubble theory;
more exactly, he proffers a double theory:
are shares priced too high?
or too low? same reply:
a bubble! (it sounds like a trouble theory.)
"
"some limericks here show facility
in defining with wit and agility;
while for some, definition
is all their ambition;
in oedilf, they've commensurability.
"
"i published a paper in synthese
to explain they were somehow akin, these
pseudocoelomate creatures
that share several features,
and together are called aschelminthes.
"
"when abert watched sparrows, although he
denied it, we'd reason to know he
was hoping for fame:
a new bird he could name.
and he found one: d'you know abert's towhee?
"
"that morning, i fear that i slept till eight,
woke feeling like something a reptile ate,
and arrived late for work;
said the boss, ""you're a jerk!
so your job contract let us acceptilate.""
"
"i'm missing oedilf quite a lot.
in fact, do you know what i've got,
since the day that i swore
that i'd come here no more?
an abstinence syndrome, that's what.
"
"if you order, let's say, two-by-twos,
a term that the merchants all use
for dimensional lumber,
don't be fooled by the number:
a half-inch all round you will lose.
"
"though figures are now all the rage
for your notes at the foot of the page,
my personal bias is
for things like the ?:
i'm from an old-fashioned age.
"
"""your virtue, wife, i'll dehonestate!
any child that from now on you gestate
won't be mine ? i declare it! ?
and must not inherit... ""
(but it did, when he dropped dead ? intestate.)
"
"through the difference engine's creation,
with its columns' and gearwheels' rotation,
and its levers and junctions,
polynomial functions
were displayed by machine calculation.
"
"said the surgeon, ""now don't make a fuss:
your notes say you've injured a crus;
which leg would that be?
oh, it hurts you to pee?
crus penis, then ? here, wear this truss.""
"
"i questioned what headmaster steve meant
when he said there's some good in bereavement.
""i've been pleased,"" he replied,
""since your grandmother died,
with the rise in your quotient (achievement).""
"
"suspiciously, old captain cox eyed
the shipment of carbon suboxide.
""so, it's used for fur-dyeing?
gee, the smell is too trying;
guess we'll leave it behind on the dockside.""
"
"it's not that two husbands are heading
to exchange what each gained at his wedding:
it's transversely laid strata,
not marital barter,
that geologists mean by cross-bedding.
"
"believe it or not, guys, i know a site
where words are defined like achroacyte
 (it's a colourless cell),
and in verse form as well;
i'd call it an utter mind-blower site.
"
"it's tough, you know, being the dean
in today's university scene:
the strain of my decanal
duties means seconal
is needed to keep me serene.
"
"the alkaloid called achillein
in this plant (achillea) is seen:
it's made up of c20,
h38 (plenty),
n2, and then, last, o15.
"
"accommodational strain on my eyes,
says my oculist, may well arise
from my habit of peeping
at neighbours who're sleeping
with company (girls ? or p'rhaps guys).
"
"""o oracle, please: your directions.
will i gain enough voters' affections?""
the verdict at delphi:
""decide for yourself ? i
don't meddle with u.s. elections.""
"
"the directors are all looking worried,
as the auditors, swarming and hurried,
re-examine our books;
and i get anxious looks
for i know where the bodies are buried.
"
"a (deceased) wit and drinker named hilary
who'd resolved to drink dry a distillery,
when about to begin,
said, ""my end will be gin!""
...
(this last line's superfluous and filler-y.)
"
"have you heard of desulfotomacula,
a breakthrough in science spectacular?
a creature quite thin this is,
lives sans photosynthesis ?
no sunlight (to use the vernacular).
"
"commodity paper is not
hung beside the commode or the pot.
it's nothing so odd: it is
a pledge of commodities
when money is lent you ? that's what.
"
"the proud cutty sark could surpass
in speed many ships of her class;
but she took her strange name
from a witching scots dame
whose shift barely covered her ass.
"
"cried the famous tragedian kemble,
""why's the scenery starting to tremble?
disassemble? not yet!
we still need the set,
or our audience might disassemble!""
"
"as she showed me strange plants, like peyote,
i was stirred. to seem chaste as quixote,
i concealed my desire,
yet heard someone enquire,
""guess you fancy that there chicalote?""
"
"in the realm of the past  (""how-we-were-dom""),
it was said that all males will prefer ""dumb
but blonde"" ? propagating
dumber folk with each mating.
(this conclusion i hope's an absurdum!)
"
"use ditto to copy an item,
or repeat words ? you don't need to write 'em.
like that lady of spain:
""she was sick on a train.
ditto.
ditto.""
(yes, ad infinitum.)
"
"to aix the three horsemen were sent
with good news; at a gallop they went.
on the way they forgot
the good news; so guess what?
they turned round and just rode back to ghent.
"
"this device is a neat dynamometer
(absorption type); we can learn from it a
lot ? torque, or force;
rpm too, of course,
which is shown here on this: the tachometer.
"
"using old words like quondam and e'en
is to show that he knows what they mean;
but i guess i'll get even
with erudite steven:
from now on, i'm calling him ste'en.
"
"our system is strict: dirigiste;
and those who contribute the least
are officially placed
(for avoidance of waste)
in category d.*
___________
* for ""deceased"".
"
"it's a drop shipment: straight to my shop.
from the maker it journeyed, nonstop,
but i pay (i'm the buyer)
a wholesale supplier?
of course, with his mark-up on top.
"
"the damage it did to the crops is
why farmers would shoot conuropsis;
but one does wonder whether
they liked the bird's feather
adorning the hats of their popsies.
"
"no poisoning known is acuter:
so armed with his blowpipe, the shooter
seeks curare, the poison
he always employs on
his dart, from the plant called abuta.
"
"where once i spoke only achagua,
you pressed me to learn: what a nag you are!
without english, my dear,
i'd have had no career:
you drove me; now i drive a jaguar!
"
"in this text, you've spelled ""peeled"" here as ""pee leed"",
which could, as i'm sure you'll agree, lead
to incomprehension.
it 'scaped your attention?
don't worry, the error's been deled.
"
"at the zoo, as the keepers resume
their talk of the best way to groom
mice and squirrels, and more
little beasts, they ignore
the elephant there in the room!
"
"this thing, an absorption hygrometer,
takes up moisture and so we learn from it a
fact (for a paper?):
that we breathe water vapour!
(and for temperature, see the thermometer.)
"
"my axe is conveniently fitted
with blades on both sides (double-bitted).
""does that mean,"" asked some dunce,
""you cut both ways at once?""
(a question obtuse and half-witted).
"
"a tetrachord this side is seen,
on the other, another. between
is the tone diazeutic
(a term hermeneutic ?
greek musicians knew what it should mean).
"
"the specialist's mien was majestic:
""no, no: your anemia's achrestic.
who called it 'pernicious'?
your gp? ambitious!
he should stick to mere ailments domestic.""
"
"fifty dollars you borrowed from me,
just before i fell out of that tree ?
you say you've repaid,
and i've anterograde
amnesia? fiddle-de-dee!
"
"neath this stone, oh my fellow-men, lies all
my earthly part, in a comprisal
of all that could die,
while my soul soars on high ?
which i somehow don't think that you guys'll.
"
"though my fault i am freely confessing,
i blame it on priestly cross-dressing;
skirts sweeping the floor
seemed to promise much more
than a stately pontifical blessing.
"
"the waves' and the shingle's invasion
caused this platform (the type called 'abrasion'),
where the rock's worn away
bit by bit, day by day
(like my spouse's technique of persuasion).
"
"as a baby to adulthood grows
its cranial sutures will close;
for some adults, i fear,
that means no new idea
can then enter their heads (and it shows).
"
"it seems, in our local sinfonia,
that the strings might have amyotonia,
so feeble their bowing;
and the woodwind, when blowing,
might suffer from double pneumonia.
"
"you lend money? then do so with caution,
and keep your demands in proportion.
ask a thousand per cent
on the money you've lent,
and you'll find you're accused of extortion.
"
"'we seek to reform the whole polity:
 our object is perfect equality!'
 when i asked, 'that implies
 we'll be all the same size?'
 they accused me of facile frivolity.
"
"when they published my treatise on polio,
the format caused quite an imbroglio:
to display on large charts
anatomical parts
i insisted on elephant folio.
"
"caput mortuum's made from the dead:
crushed mummies, for paint brownish-red?
paint from flesh and from bone!
so since that became known,
we've used mineral pigments instead.
"
"absorption edge: discontinuity
in a graph (or a lack of congruity),
which apparently tells
of electrons and shells . . .
(to grasp it exceeds my acuity).
"
"young george was determined to rock
the whole church, and all priests to unfrock.
his zeal sacrilegious
was really egregious:
in fact he stood out from the flock.
"
"""what's this letter i'm pointing at?"" ""eh?""
""good, it seems that your hearing's ok;
it's an a, then ?"" ""eh? what?""
""don't repeat it!"" ""i'm not! ?
i just can't hear a word that you say!""
"
"abortogenic (the metre's distorted):
in my dictionaries it is reported
as ""causing abortion"";
so include with great caution,
or your verses may end up aborted.
"
"this layer's the place of abscission;
when leaves fall, at the time of fruition,
each parenchyma cell
will split or will swell,
thus achieving its separatist mission.
"
"tonight, darling ? help with this zipper ?
at the dinner with gerald and pippa,
give the proper impression:
don't forget my profession
is ""ecdysiast"", darling, not ""stripper"".
"
"to think i could know and retrieve
my own deep beliefs is na?ve;
a study doxastic
will show how fantastic
is what i believe i believe.
"
"there was a young man from [fill in],
who committed [some fault or some sin],
when we get to line 5,
he may be still alive,
but i'd say that his chances are thin.
"
"that night, young suzanne behaved senselessly
when she walked through the woods, quite defencelessly;
she could hardly escape
if sir leslie tried rape,
just by shouting out, ""no! get you hence, leslie!""
"
"the monks' territorial greed's
brought more land than required for their needs,
or for those of the poor;
yet they still cry 'add more!'
thus admor-more-tization proceeds.
"
"the petiole's covered with spines
(a feature that neatly defines
a plant acanthopodous);
now guess what this hopper does?
jumps over them! (two pointless lines.)
"
"our prisoners of war will be bound
for a camp to be built on this ground;
a fence with barbed wire on
we'll need to environ
our guests (yes, the word means 'surround').
"
"ecologically sound, the whole lot:
greens grown on my own little plot!
but you hesitate; why? oh,
fear not, it's a bio-
degradable slug that you've got.
"
"to cope with genetic mutation,
among codons we find duplication.
law and order we venerate,
yet our code is degenerate
(yours and mine ? i don't speak of the nation).
"
"when i'm mentioning 'one of my exes',
 a small ambiguity vexes:
 should i say 'he or she'?
 i'm bisexual, you see,
 so my exes have different sexes.
"
"in each beam of the new bridge at hendon
we're installing a strong cable tendon;
there's no doubt it is best
to use concrete pre-stressed
for constructions we need to depend on.
"
"a martyr to bold eccentricity,
he believed he could use electricity
to put some more life
into sex with his wife. . .
their grave is of tasteful simplicity.
"
"is their football team one there's a curse on?
the supporters' thoughts steadily worsen
for revenge on the ref: e.g.,
burning in effigy,
or maybe, still better, in person.
"
"though an egghead is what many folks
call someone you never could coax
(according to rumour)
to indulge in low humour,
who else is it whites all these yolks?
"
"the script on the sign's devanagari,
food is indian, music is raga-y;
and i've made the place pay
serving curries all day
to young men who are lively and lager-y.
"
"i was swooning with joy at his kiss,
and i asked, ""don't you think this is bliss?""
""er ? bliss for me, dearest,
is finding the nearest
urinal: i must have a piss.""
"
"the mission this christmas was handing
out food to the poor of pitts landing.
the fish was, well, odd:
here's a small piece of cod
that passeth all, all understanding.
"
"the ephesians honoured diana
(their goddess) in quite a strange manner:
as soon as they knew
that saint paul was a jew,
for two hours they shouted, ""hosanna!""
"
"they call dismas ""the penitent thief"";
were his words, indicating belief
in christ as his lord,
perhaps meant to afford,
to a sad self-deceiver, relief?
"
"if the church or the vatican dares
to meddle with government's cares,
conclude a concordat
for keeping the lord at
a distance from caesar's affairs.
"
"lacking dehydroisoandrosterone,
her body could not make testosterone.
she asked an md,
could she get some, for free?
it was no fault of hers that she'd lost her own!
"
"divisive, i'd call it; in fact i'll
go further and call it distractile.
it tears us apart
when the girl of my heart
declines to have sex: 'it's too tactile!'
"
"in my laptop, they say, there's a data bus,
which conveys all my data. i'd rate a 'bus'
as something quite slow:
where'd my search result go?
perhaps it is catching a later bus?
"
"i wanted to send you this tweet/
to say that i found you so sweet;/
the character limit/
meant i had so to trim it/
that it had to be left incom
"
"it means 'equals'; it's two little dashes;
don't confuse it with +'s or #'s,
nor with decimal dots,
which are nothing but spots,
as though sums were developing rashes.
"
"despiciency? well may you frown:
it's surely a little-used noun.
but it's joined my collection,
along with despection;
look them up ? yes,  they mean 'looking down'!
"
"said the lecturer: 'troubled digestions ?
check them, empty, for any congestions:
the patient must fast
for esophagogast-
roduodenoscopy. questions?'
"
"when i tell you a joke, you don't laugh;
yet your brain, say my medical staff,
shows electrical glee,
as they clearly can see
with the electroencephalograph.
"
"it has two dorsal fins: dipterygian,
and it swims deep in darkness quite stygian;
it's called the blue ling.
and i know one more thing ?
its habitat: waters norweg-i-an.
"
"my virtuous life has equipped
me for heaven; for sainthood i'm tipped;
i'll walk comfortably in ?
you say pride is a sin?
oops, somehow my halo has slipped.
"
"alkalamide ? that one's a hard 'un:
define it? well, asking your pardon,
this is all that i've thought of:
it's ammonia ? sort of.
(not the name of a friend of bin laden.)
"
"when the issuer, assets depleted,
went bankrupt, i felt i'd been cheated,
and could only despond:
zero-coupon, that bond,
and now there's no value accreted.
"
"would general gebhard von bl?cher
have missed out on his military future
if a frenchman's gun-butt
had come down on his nut,
and disrupted a cranial suture?
"
"if you ask me, ""how much is your pay?""
""two thousand a month,"" i shall say;
but if you would learn
how much do i earn,
""about half. (now, don't give me away!)""
"
"i rather suspect i've been had on
this loan, where they're using the add-on
method, not apr.
it's more costly by far?
mathematics i've always been bad on.
"
"now this is the point amphidromic:
so (except on a level atomic)
the tides do not flow
around here. now you know.
(you expected this verse to be comic?)
"
"when the proof is achieved, or emergent,
that the series you've traced is convergent,
the next question for you,
'absolutely so, too?',
is intriguing, but maybe not urgent.
"
"in my will i am going to bequeath a
small fund to get people to see the
great need to say ""eye-ther"";
i do not see why the
word either should come out as ""ee-ther"".
"
"""will you sell that egyptian sarcophagus?""
he asked. ""mine's a generous offer, gus!
you won't? well, that's it!
you can eat?"" the next bit
seemed to hint that my tastes were coprophagous.
"
"as a junior creditor, you'll
rank behind my whole claim (you poor fool!).
my priority's clear
and is absolute here,
for that's the insolvency rule.
"
"these crystals are pointed and green;
monoclinic, with cleavage quite clean.
while an out-of-date hack might
still use the term acmite,
the true name is this: aegirine.
"
"the euxine: i have to confess
 i've no rhyme for this sea. to digress:
 do you know who rhymed 'euxine'
 with 'passenger pukes in'?
 george gordon, lord byron, no less!
"
"in our student days, when i knew erica,
it was secrets she loved: esoterica ?
thoughts daring and naughty!
now a housewife, turned forty,
she's a pillar of middle america.
"
"if i cry, in a fury, ""damnation!"",
we call that an ejaculation.
(minds pure and immaculate
won't know that ejaculate
has a physical signification.)
"
"'what's your view of this guy's execution?'
 (at the concert, a strange contribution ?
 how'd he make such a din
 on a fine violin?)
 'i'm in favour ? the only solution.'
"
"his memory's really eidetic:
he can picture the dress, and cosmetic,
that his ex used to wear;
and mine just don't compare.
(if i kill him, you'll be sympathetic?)
"
"the diner, though thinking ""well-meant!"", ate
not a scrap, though the kitchen had sent eight
of its most tempting dishes;
how vain, human wishes!
the unfortunate man was edentate.
"
"a statement (let's label it 'p')
must be true or untrue ? you agree?
and 'not p', then, too
must be true or untrue:
excluded the middle must be.
"
"in the nave we admired the corbelling;
in the chancel, the choirboys' sweet warbling;
in the close, the lush greenery;
but to enter the deanery
we failed, despite knocking and doorbelling.
"
"i'm a horseman ? a good one, of course;
it's a question of skill, not of force.
i set out an equestrian,
returned a pedestrian ?
an hour or so after the horse.
"
"it's a subject i'm not keen to touch on:
a blot on the family escutcheon.
the king granted arms
to great-grandma, whose charms
he enjoyed when i fear she'd not much on.
"
"the concept of extraterritoriality
implied 'outside the host state's locality';
it was thought that, by right,
an embassy's site
was a part of the state of nationality.
"
"these bonds that you're holding as surety
are the 'cabinet' kind of security:
sound exchange, little trading;
holders don't need persuading
to hold them right up to maturity.
"
"""i absolve you, my girl,"" said the priest,
""but not 'cause your sister (deceased)
stole your boyfriend, young will,
and that led you to kill;
that's exonerative? not in the least!""
"
"definition has this definition:
explanation of words ? that's its mission ?
stating meanings, like scrubbing
means ""cleaning by rubbing"".
for more definition i'm fishin'!
"
"divine presence is already near:
let it in to your heart ? do not fear,
for when you are entheat,
you'll find it is then the at-
tractions of worship are clear.
"
"this theory's purely empiric:
it may be aminobutyric
acid's not in my brain,
since this fact would explain
this quite uninhibited lyric.
"
"oh heather! i needn't ask whether
you were phony, our whole time together,
and your 'love' was still phonier:
i see you're hudsonia
ericoides, that is, you're false heather!
"
"to dance to a fast buler?a
was for me not a happy idea:
i'd not tried it before.
in six/eight, then three/four!
something like this it begins, then mama mia!
"
"i'm a father indeed (for my sins):
my wife has gone way beyond twins.
to mark her fecundity,
here is this fun ditty:
one line for each of the quins.
"
"craniolacunia's said
to be something a parent should dread:
where the skull has a fault
in the bones of the vault.
(this you need like a hole in the head.)
"
"it is ramadan: fasting is holy;
the faithful, both high-born and lowly,
may not eat till the sun
his full day's course has run.
if it's fast time, why goes it so slowly?
"
"if you purchase consols (bank annuities),
though you use all your best assiduities,
you'll get income, not growth,
for you cannot have both:
a fact of life, gloomy but true, it is.
"
"to each code flag a letter's assigned.
they mean different things when combined;
hoist ""jy"" for ""jx""?
maybe ""england expects""
will be changed into ""kiss my behind.""
"
"""ladies' ear-scratcher!"" ""murderer!"" ""cheat!""
cried his foes, going down in defeat.
he put up with their jeers
for the 18+ years,
that he served in the seat of st. pete.
"
"those things on a website they use
to guide one, the long list of clues
to details one lacks:
i had thought they were faqs!
now i hear they're pronounced eff-ay-cues.
"
"a snake in your pants ? so i've heard ?
is a wild party stunt. how absurd!
it may sink a sharp fang
right into . . . (here slang
will supply just the right rhyming word).
"
"on christmas eve, how did i fare?
though i bought all the right christmas fare,
when i got on the bus
with my bags ? such a fuss!
i had no money left for the fare.
"
"could i choose, or not choose, credobapt-
ism? no, for my life's course was mapped
when, while i was a kid,
paedobaptism did
the same job ? and i  feel i was trapped.
"
"far too often expelled, with a start,
and reluctance to see, from that part,
rough music emerge,
they can make ? i would urge ?
sounds arranged as a true work of art.
"
"the eic's stricken with panic
by my limericks, written in manic
magniloquent patois.
they're now banned, by a fatwah:
my verses, he says, are satanic.
"
"not much point in your fieri facias,
for my claim to be rich was mendacias;
i've no assets to seize,
nor funds you could freeze:
i've spent it on sushi and gacias.
"
"know what ann reads while getting dialysis?
she's devoted to fourier analysis!
me, i try to avoid all
kinds of waves sinusoidal,
else my brain gets harmonic paralysis.
"
"when a web address ends with fi,
i always recall, with a sigh,
dear filippa, my kinky
lost love in helsinki,
called fifi ? you'll surely guess why.
"
"that thief took my phone, and my purse too:
i scribbled a versified curse to
that bastard's address.
he's a fella, i guess,
that i am, and i wrote, thus averse to.
"
"the exam paper said, ""define feoffment"".
the term, in my simple belief, meant
""being made a fifi""
(notes from lectures, you see).
i discovered then what ""came to grief"" meant.
"
"at our chic ladies' college, the foundress
had decreed that each girl wear this brown dress;
since the college was blessed
with her massive bequest,
we are stuck with what we call our 'clown dress'.
"
"an embassy's mission community
enjoys diplomatic immunity;
and the embassy site's
'inviolable' rights
may never be breached with impunity.
"
"though a judgeship was once his ambition,
my son now takes proofs on commission;
i had to persuade him, as
a mere writ of dedimus
did not bring his hopes to fruition.
"
"i'm trustee for a wealthy young beauty,
and have thus a fiduciary duty:
'best interests' my guide,
as trustee, i decide
to wed her (she's mine ? with the booty!)
"
"the fiddler crab doesn't play
a crustacean sonata in a;
but its small claw will go
back and forth, like a bow,
and its large one's the fiddle, you'd say.
"
"the chef boils with rage: see him estuate!
i'm afraid that he easily guessed you ate
what he'd just been preparing
(see him fuming and glaring!) ?
and of course it was only the best you ate.
"
"achromatic describes this cell figure.
cytochemicals' usual vigour
when staining will dwindle:
it seems the cell's spindle
(mitotic) resists dye with rigour.
"
"my dear, you are so kind to ask us
to your grand wedding feast in damascus!
there is just one thing:
do you mind if we bring
our ipads? we're both multitaskers!
"
"dear taxpayers, now kindly bail
out our bank ? that's the sting in the tail
of your long spending spree.
(nice fat bonus for me:
it's great to be 'too big to fail'.)
"
"a bush pea is not what you thought:
it's thermopsis, or so i've been taught.
it's a herb, or herbaceous,
and not (goodness gracious!),
at a picnic when you're taken short.
"
"with the priest, mother got on so well ?
called him 'jimmy', and not 'father bell'.
when he told me he'd rather
that i call him 'father',
mother blushed: 'we agreed not to tell!'
"
"a lustful young tenor, gepetto,
put his hand (as they sang a duetto)
on his diva's broad rump;
her knee came up ? 'thump!',
and he suddenly switched to falsetto.
"
"""it's calamagrostis, from seed!""
""it looks like it's fall-blooming reed?""
""well, it does bloomin' fine
in this garden of mine;
bloomin' critics?now them i don't need!""
"
"""in this book, there's a word,"" remarked gloria,
""and it must mean what i've got: clitoria.""
when i said, ""darling mine,
it's a tropical vine,""
this deflated her sexual euphoria.
"
"an e-bomb is very humane,
doesn't kill or cause anyone pain;
and all it destroys
is ? what is that %$noi%8-se?++++01100011...

now i'm typing my letters again.
"
"this large-flowered vine is quite new;
its name's quite a funny one, too,
as i'm sure you'll agree.
it is: butterfly pea.
(and those dots are p'rhaps butterfly poo.)
"
"i bought me a plant called black snakeroot;
in my garden i set it to take root.
i was told it would be
good to ease pmt.
it isn't ? but p'rhaps it's a fake root?
"
"oedilfers, you lexical army,
form a circle. since some think you're barmy,
please come, gather round,
hear this word that i've found:
ducdame, ducdame, ducdame.
"
"evaginate: can you guess what
the word means (we don't use it a lot)?
""turn a tube inside out.""
not what you thought, no doubt.
(what kind of a mind have you got?)
"
"does this site not permit erotesis?
does our data-base show no increases?
is there here no tradition
of skilled definition?
(have i failed to convince of my thesis?)
"
"said the general, ""see, over there,
the form of that trench ? cr?maill?re;
the zig-zagging line
is a clever design
to bring a fierce cross-fire to bear.""
"
"it's a place where a bastion wall
makes an angle; it's what experts call
by a name anatomical:
a 'shoulder' (how comical),
but dressed up in french as epaule.
"
"if you say that you 'spoke to him bluffly',
it means 'warmly' but 'frankly' and 'toughly'.
the word's thus defined
quite correctly, you'll find,
and precisely. (well, ok then, roughly.)
"
"my girl's taken up falun gong;
she says her conviction is strong.
she'll seek truth and compassion
(well, after her fashion);
forbearance? now that won't last long.
"
"'there's a feature defined as ""dikaryon""
in these fungi compartments,' said marion.
'two parents supplied
these bits here inside;
the nuclei . . . want me to carry on?'
"
"in old churches, the portal called 'bridal door'
was not something through which one sidled or
slipped; it was there
for a new-wedded pair.
(of late, it's been rather an idle door.)
"
"i'd thought that she might be a fun date;
but her tears, on the hardly begun date,
were exundating. she
was an 'un-date' for me;
and in future she's just an ex-un-date.
"
"if you're bound to some tiresome endeavour,
and fulfilment seems hopeless, box clever:
with confidence say,
""'twill be done by the day
that the coquecigrues come"" (i.e., never).
"
"that's a dirty stock; should you resell,
with the paperwork all won't be well.
good delivery? no, sir;
and the firm is so-so, sir ?
runs brothels, or so i've heard tell.
"
"shop check-out lines make me go through a
laborious time as a queuer:
i avoid, i confess,
the 'six items or less',
'cause it should be 'six items or fewer'.
"
"where mathematicians in vain
sought old fermat's remark to explain,
a proof's found (by one wiles)
that continues for miles,
and this verse is too small to contain.
"
"said adam, ""in spite of our fig-leaves,
i can tell by her sensous wriggle eve's
getting eager and hot;
as for me, i have got ?
well, i'm glad they are suitably big leaves.""
"
"when i asked the guy, 'what are you doing?'
he replied, 'can't you see? i'm dilluing.'
'what's that?' 'washing ore.'
'or what?' he got sore ?
shied a stone from his sieve ? i'll be suing.
"
"in the cafe we sat down to sup;
'my dear, i could gobble you up!
i'd prefer anthropophagy
to chewing meat off a gee ?
or perhaps they have sold us a pup?'
"
"the drug i stirred into her soup
included an acetyl group,
to speed up the effects,
and incline her to sex;
but alas! she was thrown for a loop.
"
"the sergeant said, ""friend, join the corps;
we need you for one little war.""
but he was unloyal
to truth; battle royal
it was. (we're not ""friends"" anymore.)
"
"to write fine in a different way,
i first typed o-k-a, and then j.
well, the spelling was wrong,
but it didn't take long
to just backspace and make it okay.
"
"""you can say what you will; i conclude
that you don't have the aptitude, dude,
to break open these locks.
now we're stuck in this box,
and again ? thanks to you ? we're all screwed!""
"
"""name three stars,"" teacher said with a grin,
""in the grip of the dipper. begin.""
""first, alkaid,"" said christine.
""next, alcor in-between.
then it's alioth, closest one in.""
"
"""you can arm a marine with a gun;
arm a bomb with a match, and then run;
arm a nuke in a silo;
arm venus de milo.
but you can't arm a dillo, my son!""
"
"some governments have the temerity
to claim they don't deal in barbarity.
but we've all seen the news,
so we know they abuse
and torture with sad regularity.
"
"my girlfriend is gorgeous and clever,
but marry her? probably never:
she bathes unmethodically,
aperiodically
cleansing (i.e., hardly ever).
"
"with rhetoric hard to ignore,
our leaders cry, ""villains galore!""
with rumors, they rattle us
to make us feel battailous,
and next thing you know, we're at war.
"
"many mountains, like some made of granite,
start as batholiths deep in the planet.
it's magma which pools,
and then rises and cools
as a structure so big, nations span it.
"
"he blurted, ""i may look albanian,
but really i'm sub-panamanian.
you want to know how can
you tell i'm araucan?
it's easy: i speak araucanian!""
"
"my campaign here i hope you will join:
here's a word that is not current coin.
it's one we should banish,
and thus cause to vanish:
it's a word that i've vowed to esloin.
"
"if one had some weed, we'd all score some;
one had drink? then for each he would pour some;
all for one, one for all,
mark, denise, jean and paul:
introducing the fabulous foursome!
"
"said the printer, 'this church at marchmont
for the christening's just what i want;
a hexagonal basin
to wet the child's face in:
he'll begin with a fine 6-point font!'
"
"they've no backbones, no fins and no gills;
invertebrates plain, with no frills.
they're not 'fish'. let us bar
cuttle-, jelly- and star-
from this term: it confusion instills.
"
"lear wrote of a fowl he called fimble,
which apparently cannot be nimble;
with a leg to draw corks,
i can't think how it walks!
(perhaps it's a freudian symbol.)
"
"he's biracial; i want a divorce.
but it's not for his color, of course:
every day he'll be found
watching cars race around,
and then placing a bet on some horse.
"
"my vision's unfocused and blurry;
my mouth feels impossibly furry;
my head is all achy;
my hands are quite shaky:
go pour me another?and hurry!
"
"you much valiant, and fight to defend,
but your station are lost in the end.
we have won every wars
and have take that is yours.
all your base are belong to us, friend.
"
"yes, it's true, as we atheists say,
that we haven't a reason to pray.
we believe there's no guy
at some gate when we die
saying, ""you've been bad; you've been okay...""
"
"cried a master of fox-hounds named davy,
""if we don't make this fox cry 'capevi!',
if the hounds do not kill,
why, i swear that i will
eat my hat, served with lashings of gravy!""
"
"i use footnotes* to show
erudition**.
it takes skill***
to make sure your scanning
of my text will be careful****.

*like this one
**that's how much i know
***and good planning
****and slow
"
"an often-applied-to-the-ref word,
a sometimes-it's-best-to be-deaf word:
a word that's best treated
as '[expletive deleted]':
you know what i mean: yes, the f-word.
"
"here we have a concise demonstration
of unnecessary versification,
just written to mock
this project: it's floc-
cinaucinihilipilification.
"
"gps; vor; dme;
ins; par; ndb.
avigation today
means the ol' faa
will hear less vfr elt.
"
"""sir, the japanese soldiers are back;
and preparing a banzai attack!""
says my spy, ""sharp-eyed"" bond.
""you're half-blind!"" i respond.
(and he is: in bond's eye is a tack.)
"
"that pandering statesman's the bearer
of news: soon the laws will be fairer
to assist the promoters
of minority voters.
(the blackface was prob'ly an error.)
"
"i asked the accountant of fifa
to confirm or deny my belief a
bribe had been paid.
the reply that he made
could not have been ruder, or briefer.
"
"if a true baked alaska you'd make,
you'd do well to avoid my mistake:
keep its time in the heat
very short or your treat
will be liquid ? a cream-and-egg lake.
"
"i sure hope that the black-footed ferret
is saved; this small mammal must merit
our help. such a shame:
if it goes, all the blame
will be ours, and we'll all have to bear it.
"
"i escaped after bearing the brunt
of his beating; my blood-covered front
proved he'd hit me with force.
name his weapon? of course?
if i could; i just know it was blunt.
"
"though i'm smart and, i'm told, handsome-faced,
i have made it to forty still chaste;
it seems women require
that a huge balloon tire
be attached to a truck, not my waist.
"
"""how'd you lose it?"" he cried. ""i'm upset!
we've no armor; their guns are a threat.
when the shooting begins . . .""
we all broke out in grins.
""lost a bar bet, sir. not the barbette.""
"
"before i learned how to cook balti,
a lot that i made came out faulty:
loads of salt, too few spices?
they are cursed with high prices.
i made them too bland, and too salty.
"
"when grandmother used to bake baba,
around her small kitchen we'd mob. a
most minuscule crumb
of that cake soaked in rum
was enough to make anyone slobba.
"
"""i could swear it's abate,"" said our waiter.
""but herb's sticking with bate; which is greater?""
i said, ""guys, i'm with herb;
bate's the transitive verb.""
they were soothed. (i'm a master abater.)
"
"when my bride said that night, ""when we breed,
the asexual route's what i need,""
i thought, huh? she expects
to have kids without sex?
then i saw her sans clothes, and agreed.
"
"well, it seems i should maybe confirm us
some counseling time. you could term us
a ""couple in trouble"";
our love used to bubble
with passion, but now it's athermous.
"
"we were dining on pasta in reno
when our waiter took orders for vino.
i said, ""bring us a white.""
but then?maybe in spite?
he provided a red (bardolino).
"
"if buildings i'd built were built stricter,
these aftershocks (6 on the richter)
would leave them unbreaking.
but rumbling and shaking
surprised me, for i'm no predictor.
"
"teaching ""abstinence-only"" reflects
simple thinking on matters complex.
some think faith holds the keys
to preventing disease?
but i think they're just fearful of sex.
"
"i'd been searching (for half of my life)
for a way to shun worry and strife.
i'd been stumbling around
'til i finally found
ataraxia ditching my wife.
"
"in the dark, pilots find what they're seekin'
by flyin' their planes to a beacon.
but the shoes in my room
can be found in the gloom
by their smell: it's a beacon a-reekin'.
"
"there once was a man from van nuys
whose woman had tears in her eyes:
when she'd say, ""rise and shine!""
he'd be forced to decline,
for anandrious fellows don't rise.
"
"my accountant just told me she's sad,
for she's cut off her fingers. that's bad,
but it's not, i suppose,
like she's lost, for her toes
(with her abacus) still help her add.
"
"after one week of marriage, i knew
you had wed for what i'd do for you.
if i'd known i'd be your
beast of burden before,
i'd have said, ""no, i don't,"" not ""i do.""
"
"it would seem, if you had half a brain,
that i just wouldn't need to explain:
when you go to slice bread,
cut it lengthwise, instead;
not against?cross the width of?the grain.
"
"all your mates on this old battlewagon
are finished. we're all tired of draggin'
the ocean for stuff
that you lost. that's enough!
we refuse to keep lookin' for lagan.
"
"i stood in the courtroom admitting
to crimes i'd spent decades committing.
despite my repentance,
the judge said, ""your sentence
is life!"" i just answered, ""befitting.""
"
"it's been true ever since i was young:
i'm apivorous, so i've been stung
on my fingers and thumbs
and my lips and my gums?
but those bees taste so sweet on my tongue!
"
"my first date said my odds of success
would improve if i wore even less.
so i said, ""well, the least
heavy fabric's batiste?""
he said, ""no, not less thickness?less dress.""
"
"joe travelled to thailand and sought
to bargain with dollars he'd brought,
but in bangkok, he found
after shopping around
that a guy just can't buy without baht.
"
"the drunk crossed my floor on a slant,
then smiled as he peed in my plant.
i said, ""sir, i believe,
it is time you should leave.""
he slurred, ""why? don't you like a bacchant?""
"
"it was fine that my date seemed too thin,
for her skinniness caused no chagrin.
but we're through: i'm a man
who likes girls with a tan,
and she's cursed with achromatous skin.
"
"if you're gunning for game in peru,
i would like to suggest a battue.
when you hunt, be aware
that the game there is rare,
and it moves far too fast to pursue.
"
"if a man out on bond skips his bail,
to escape he'd best blow like the gale.
a bailee who would flee
will most certainly see
men with cash on their minds on his tail.
"
"while a nipper, jim stole on his own,
but he don't anymore now he's grown.
got hisself a committee
of thievin' banditti,
and he nevermore plunders alone.
"
"there's a judge in the news who forgot
to be fair, as he'd promised; he got
sent to prison, which shows
often that's how it goes:
some who swear to be balanced are not.
"
"i'd rather play tennis with cheaters
than baseliners, simple retreaters
who won't play the net.
not a drop do they sweat,
though they'd surely all swear they sweat liters.
"
"when i called your house barny, i meant
it was spacious; 'twas not my intent
to imply that it smells.
but you're hurt, which compels
me to say it's got such a great scent!
"
"""yeah, i'm tired, but just give me my car key,""
said my guest, then he left in the dark. he
fell asleep at the helm,
left the road, struck an elm,
wrecked his car; now his face is all barky.
"
"this genus of orchids is seen
in hues from clear white to dark green.
he who named it coelogyne
may have shown some misogyny:
""hollow woman"" he meant it to mean.
"
"when a fellow has got you alone,
insist, in peremptory tone,
if he'd show his affection
he must use protection?
a condicio sine qua non.
"
"in the days of the serf and the lord,
did the justices ever get bored?
rotulorum custodes
no doubt had their slow days
with not many crimes to record.
"
"a colombian peso (a bill),
though cheap, remains currency still:
not the place, banks insist,
for the week's shopping list,
or a note that ""juanita loves gil.""
"
"to recover a debt that was due,
ac etiam, meaning ""this too"",
was a practical fiction
to give jurisdiction
to a court, and permit you to sue.
"
"a heraldic device, apt for me,
in view of the pain in my knee
(which is some sort of cramp),
appears here, on my stamp:
it's known as a cross cramponee.
"
"though cunjevoi may look salacious,
it means ""sea squirt"", or ""plant that's araceous"".
words that start c-u-n
are suggestive to men,
but in this case that notion's fallacious.
"
"this junction, dentinocemental,
that i'm probing is known to all dental
practitioners who ?
did the patient say ""ooh!""?
oh, all right, i shall try to be gentle.
"
"as a prof, i can prove expertise
just by writing pure academese:
indigestible prose ?
what it means, no-one knows;
but it's got me three higher degrees.
"
"i keep dogs, and the more, yes, the merrier!
but this one, observe, is a burier
of bones here and there,
so he won't have to share;
after all, he's an aberdeen terrier!
"
"one thing that i've learned to start hating:
the practice of caps alternating.
some text-chatting slackers
and wannabe hackers
may like it, but i find it grating.
"
"""an abdominal section? i'll cut,""
said the surgeon, ""to open her gut,
then i'll trim off some fat.""
i said, ""thank you for that.
can you please do the same to her butt?""
"
"""alopecia, huh?"" the man drawled.
""or atrichia? that what it's called?
you say hypotrichosis
is my diagnosis?
don't matter; all i know's i'm bald.""
"
"with your abstract intelligence, true,
some may think you've a genius iq.
but i'm not so impressed
that you conquered some test;
i've known rocks that were smarter than you.
"
"i took notes as doc spoke on a visit.
""seems you're anal-retentive,"" he says. ""it
is an infantile trait?""
i said, ""no, i'm not! wait...
that's not spelled with a hyphen, or is it?""
"
"""wine of kings"" is barolo. it shines
(as it should) as a wine that defines
what it means to be loyal
to taste, for it's royal:
it's often been called ""king of wines"".
"
"last night when you tried your new tactic,
you brought me to places climactic.
the way my head swirled
was way out of this world?
no, much better: 'twas anagalactic!
"
"i like you. you know i do?dearly.
your odor, though, gags me?severely.
i'd like to stay friends,
so i beg you to cleanse
yourself frequently, not just biyearly.
"
"when it's hot in the sun where you toil,
you can sweat so your skin doesn't broil.
but because i'm robotic
and, thus, anhidrotic,
when hot, all i do is leak oil.
"
"astronomers, searching 'til weary,
discovered a noise, then got cheery:
'twas cosmic background
radiation they'd found,
supporting the whole big bang theory.
"
"in the quaint northern city of red wing,
some folks say at night that the dead sing.
but as i was once told,
""oh, ya betcha it's cold,
and that noise is the squeak of each bedspring.""
"
"see that girl in the ill-fitting dress?
she's a flirt, but i've got to confess
i'm a pig, and won't date her:
her waist is much &gt;
than mine, while her chest size is &lt;.
"
"an assiduous surgeon named gutting
worked hard on his slicing and cutting.
knowing patience would pay,
he would practise all day ?
though he sometimes lost patients while putting.
"
"""your anthroponym, sir,"" barked the clerk,
as she glared with a mean little smirk.
""now. i haven't all day.""
""fine; it's joseph,"" i say.
""and is yours mrs. bitch, or miss jerk?""
"
"i'm la fille a detective employs
to entrap any homme who enjoys
a few moments?a dollop?
de temps with a trollop.
i'm agent provocateur, boys.
"
"avocados are practically holy
to me, so i love guacamole.
but i can't eat it quick
or i'll make myself sick,
so i just have to eat the stuff slowly.
"
"in my dream, there i stood by a river
in a sweat, with my hands all aquiver;
the river was liquor,
the bankside was slicker
than grease ? and i've got a bad liver.
"
"first i swallowed my legs (they were grand!),
then my organs (the kidneys were bland).
hope this limerick is done
by the time i've begun
autophagially eating my ha
"
"i once asked of my publishing rep,
""why is changing my name the next step?""
and he said, ""we agree
we can live with 'j. e.',
but your ananym will be 'tittep'.""
"
"look ahead; see that huge anvil cloud?
you're a pilot who just won't be cowed,
so you're thinking, ""aw, screw it;
i'm gonna fly through it.""
well, you'll die...but at least you'll die proud.
"
"arithmancy's misplotted my course:
lousy childhood; bad job; a divorce.
now you say it can tell
me which stocks i should sell?
hell, it's better to bet on a horse!
"
"when i said, ""off the phone for the night"",
you once again answered with ""aight.""
you are not in the 'hood,
but in butte. understood?
when you mean ""i agree"", say, ""all right.""
"
"to say bdellium, bdon't speak the b;
it's just etymologic bdebris,
and it shouldn't bdistract
or bdetract from this fact,
bdamn it: bdellium bdrips from a tree.
"
"there is no one who dares disagree
with my nastiest rule or decree,
for i'll stand no debate.
this autocracy's great?
since the government's ruled by just me.
"
"since your speedboat has only one screw,
i can navigate circles 'round you.
mine's a bimotor boat,
and you oughta take note:
boats are slower with one than with two.
"
"""it's the ?. it's a symbol,"" said ed.
""it's your clue to just how a word's read.
when you see one, think, 'ah!
i've encountered a schwa!',
then say 'uh' to that e on its head.""
"
"""this ain't got thc; it ain't dope,""
swore the man selling bast fiber rope.
i said, ""look, even if
this here hemp's not a spliff,
while a bush is the president? nope!""
"
"as nerve damage oftentimes shows
in the curious curl of one's toes,
a specialist checks
for a special reflex:
it's babinski's if upward it goes.
"
"we broke our engagement last year; it's
been lonely since then, and i fear it's
too hurtful and sad.
'twould be nice if i had
a new someone to bolster my spirits....
"
"i was lost in the fog while out sailing
when hailed by a dealer out baling.
""i'm from haling,"" i said,
and he nodded his head.
""i can help! i've spent years there in haling!""
"
"on the subject of hearts, be advised
that some dark ones are often disguised
by a manner or smile,
or some clothes. all the while,
their true darkness is not advertised.
"
"on a grounder, a batter will race
on to first as the infielders chase
for the ball (which is thrown).
but his base hit is blown,
if that ball beats his feet to the base.
"
"there is nothing i'd rather do less
than play payday or scrabble or chess
or parcheesi or clue. it
just makes me sigh, ""screw it;
i'm bored with all board games, i guess.""
"
"i used to have money?a barrelful.
things changed; now my world seems more peril-ful.
and what's worse, i've got kids;
since i'm now on the skids,
i've been wishing that i'd been more sterile-ful.
"
"so you've set us to bungee this height,
and you tell me this rope ""...should get tight.""
well, i surely do hope
we've more height than we've rope,
and your apomecometer's right.
"
"while in class, i become catatonic
if the talk turns to things baryonic
(that is, everyday matter).
but dodging such chatter
is easy: i claim i'm dysphonic.
"
"though your very best writing of all
is your autobiography, small
consolation that is:
in the publishing biz,
adoxographies seldom enthral.
"
"as for ambi-, i'd like to expound.
at the start, it means ""both"" or ""around"":
""how's the ambiance there?
lots of noise filled the air
with ambiguous ambient sound.""
"
"when i asked for a colorful 'do,
i said, ""red, plus some green and some blue.""
well, you did that, all right:
now my hair is pure white.
was that additive color shampoo?
"
"if your craft's slowing down, just acquaint
its whole belly with ship bottom paint.
roll a really thick coat
down the length of your boat
before barnacles grow where it ain't.
"
"pat the cat was so fat, when he sat
on a mat, his great fat made a splat!
""drat!"" he spat, ""look at that!
where i'm at was my hat!
now it's flat as a gnat on a slat!""
"
"never play with a knife on a bender;
you could lose something precious and tender.
i was slashing while drunk
when i sliced off a chunk,
inadvertently switching my gender.
"
"want to know why i screamed in your ear,
""you're a klutz!"" when you fell on your rear
after slipping on ice?
not just once, but then twice?
to add insult to injury, dear.
"
"""we can't marry,"" she taunted. ""my niche
is with someone who's?basically?rich.""
well, i basically knew
we were basically through,
so said, ""basically, dear, you're a bitch.""
"
"i love mexican food, but i'll pass
on your homemade burrito. alas,
while i like the idea
of beans and tortilla
together, i don't need the gas.
"
"i could eat enough sushi for ten,
but i'm jobless and broke once again.
hell, i'd settle for rice,
but i can't pay the price;
i've a yen, but i don't have a ?.
"
"i called for my sniffy valet
to pour me a good cabernet.
i sampled. ""this wine
tastes like lumber. like pine.""
then he tried. ""no, that's avodir?.""
"
"i have come to a sad diagnosis:
my marriage has sexual sclerosis.
though we share the same bed,
seems our sex life is dead?
and she likes this agenobiosis!
"
"we were out in the park on a jog
when we heard something bark like a dog.
""there are dogs in this park?""
""weren't no dog made that bark;
that's a barking deer, down by the bog.""
"
"your flying was great: it's outstanding
you got past that badland, commanding
us down, unexploded,
in flat, uneroded
terrain for a safe belly-landing.
"
"when the priest raised his knife i said, ""what's
with the dagger, my friend? are you nuts?""
he said, ""you'll tell our fate?
our aruspex can't wait?
so relax while i help spill your guts.""
"
"there's really no point in denying
it's air rage we're feeling while flying.
six hours on our butts
eating nothing but nuts?
and that baby in back won't stop crying!
"
"the aristocrats joke is intended
for those who aren't quickly offended.
disgusting yet clever,
i tell it (though never
in church; that is not recommended).
"
"the architect stopped by and halted
construction; he screamed, then assaulted
my boss for revealing
the wrong type of ceiling:
not angled, but round (barrel-vaulted).
"
"after battle?according to hoyle?
we, the victors, deserve all your spoil.
so since we were able,
we pillaged your cable,
and now we've a hoarding to coil.
"
"my gas pedal's down; i ain't brakin'
fer nothin'; my dodge is a-shakin'.
there's no second place
in this one-on-one race.
eat my dust while i bring home the bacon.
"
"if ballistic panspermia's right,
life arrived here by asteroid flight?
though it's hard to believe
either adam or eve
hitched a ride on a meteorite.
"
"when my wife's feeling mad, she asserts
i'm the cause of her anguish. she blurts,
""you're a horrible guy!""
to her shriek i reply,
""hon, your audio frequency hertz!""
"
"you're not stupid; it's well understood
you've two choices?but neither is good.
both are far from okay;
if you thought you could stay
'tween a rock and a hard place, you would.
"
"well, my love, you're in trouble, i fear.
'twould be best if you'd just disappear,
for my traveling spouse
has come back to our house,
and now all of a sudden he's here.
"
"i explained that i'm very traditional.
no wedding? no sex. unconditional.
""that's a problem,"" he said,
""as i'm not getting wed
unless forced to in ways avolitional.""
"
"it's not easy to live as a god;
people curse me and tell me i'm odd.
though i'm packed with aseity,
i'm called a false deity.
oh, flesh?such a joyless fa?ade!
"
"the daredevil skydiving jumper
fell into the back of a dumper.
the lass wasn't hurt,
but the jump took her shirt,
and the traffic? soon bumper-to-bumper.
"
"in the wurst-eating race, i was first
since i'd practiced and drilled and rehearsed.
i ate wurst after wurst
'til i thought i might burst?
then i did: what went down was reversed.
"
"when my daughter had turned twenty-one,
i thought housing and feeding were done.
but that unemployed louse
is now back in my house;
she's a boomerang kid...like my son.
"
"this old airplane is tricky to fly
on my benzodiazepine high.
all those valium pills
really mess with my skills:
where i should see the ground, i see sky.
"
"my father said, ""count every cousin.""
""that's hopeless,"" i answered, ""because in
this family i can't
tell who's cousin or aunt.
maybe twelve, ? a dozen?""
"
"biological parents are free?
if they wish?to beget and then flee.
caring people who opt
both to seek and adopt
others' children are heroes to me.
"
"since my cell reeked of addicts and boozers,
i pled to the jailer, ""these losers
have a really bad smell;
can i get a hotel?""
""no?you beggars,"" he growled, ""can't be choosers.""
"
"we're divorced, and we'll never pretend
that our marriage was good at the end.
i hate her; she hates me.
now we're blissfully free!
truly, all's well that ends well, my friend.
"
"let's begin at the end just for fun.
there's no style, there's no flair.
what a boring affair!
they always begin on line one.
this limerick has barely begun.
"
"not afraid to just stand up and rant,
at the burglar's convention, my aunt
told the thieves gathered there,
""this is highly unfair!
can you stop using jargon? you cant!""
"
"when you're walking, you'll learn that you shan't
ever walk to one side at a slant.
when you're strolling, your gait
must be kept very straight
(if it can; if it can't, you will cant).
"
"the ocean's ethereal calm
sings a song to my soul like a psalm
as i walk the warm sand,
pinkish shell in my hand?
pearly miracle poised on my palm.
"
"i could run so much faster, i feel,
with a caster attached to each heel.
i could win every race;
not be caught in a chase;
and i'd never be late for a meal.
"
"when a pronoun's an object, embrace
something called the accusative case;
you'll sound dumb if you say
things like he, she, and they,
and not him, her, and them in their place.
"
"if you feel that your fame's on the ebb,
leak some intimate pics to the web,
and in no time at all
you'll be belle of the ball
and the talk-of-the-net's cause celebre.
"
"when the priest tells his people, ""you shan't
wear your clothing too sheer or too scant,""
he should look in the mirror:
his clothes are much sheerer,
and now it's much clearer: it's cant.
"
"i leave work at a quarter-past five,
headed home. but this route that i drive
is bumper-to-bumper
to bumper-to-bumper;
it's ten by the time i arrive.
"
"when the dealer has dealt you your hand,
just be certain to stand as you've planned;
with two threes and three twos,
you're not likely to lose,
so just stay on your boat?understand?
"
"like two dancers in lasting embrace,
bodies orbit in infinite space.
if shared gravitation
brings captured rotation,
through eons they'll waltz face-to-face.
"
"""hey, we're hungry,"" they shout, ""and we're bored!""
but they're kinfolk who can't be ignored.
i am sick of their hassle;
they've taken my castle,
this northern barbarian horde.
"
"in their search for an alien being,
seti's scientist types are agreeing
that one day there may be
clear-cut signs of et
in the candidate signals they're seeing.
"
"when you promised us sun, what a sham!
all your barograms aren't worth a damn,
and your barograph's junk
that belongs in a trunk:
it's been raining so hard that we swam!
"
"when our captain said, ""plot us a path,""
did you calculate wrong with your math?
now our ship is a wreck?
it's in sand to its deck?
while our planes have all taken a bath.
"
"if you programme computers, you'll find
that conditions are often combined;
if you see your direction's
to multi-selections,
the case statement comes to your mind.
"
"""i've got to take off my tuxedo;
i'm blind from the fabric's albedo,""
i said to my date.
but she answered, irate,
""take me home! all i see's your libido!""
"
"do your friends call you fat? don't ex-friend 'em;
instead, give them thanks and commend 'em
for words that inspire.
""hey, lose that spare tire!
deflate it! you're round as bibendum!""
"
"though you're fat, if you're rich then some lass'll
say ""yes"" just to live in your castle.
don't try losing weight;
you'll be blessed with a mate
if your cash'll grow fast as your ass'll.
"
"""this date's over!"" she barked. ""that's enough!
i was staying to play blind man's bluff,
but i'm leaving instead,
since you never once said
i'd be clothed, while you'd be in the buff!""
"
"while the mogul who married celeste
is impressed by the size of each breast,
and her curves make him glad,
he can't help feeling sad
that her brain's not as big as her chest.
"
"got the news: a big raise in my pay.
i proposed, and she answered, ""okay!""
in my inbox, no spam.
in the traffic, no jam.
yes, i'm batting a thousand today!
"
"i repeat certain phrases, you know,
for i've got cataphasia, you know.
i'm not bothered, you know,
but most hate it, you know,
'cause it makes me sound crazy. you know?
"
"my teacher said, ""jim, you've defaced
our chalkboard in very poor taste.
what you've drawn for the class
makes me have a huge ass;
your calcography must be erased!""
"
"""quit napping!"" snapped martha. ""stop snoring!
take me up to the store for some flooring!
and don't drive like a snail;
there's a one-hour sale!
what is wrong with you, george? you're so boring!""
"
"during one of his technical stunts,
a phone maker proved he's no dunce.
his cdma
is the lucrative way
to have thousands all yapping at once.
"
"acupuncturists swear they're not joking:
they'll help you to heal or stop smoking.
will it work? it indeed'll.
just don't mind the needle?
you'll feel lots of pricking and poking.
"
"my wife has become problematic:
her corpse has turned quite aromatic.
her cenotaph's placement
remains in the basement,
but she has to go to the attic.
"
"to ensure all my bones are emerging,
first i stuff, then i puke at my urging.
i have barfed in the john
from madrid to milan;
i'm a model of binging and purging!
"
"my spaceship's surprising subsidence
makes nasa oppugn my abidance;
my orbit's too low
and i'm moving too slow
as i'm lacking celestial guidance.
"
"i've got catoptrophobia, see,
as i'm ugly, you'd have to agree.
so i'm thinking it's true
that you might have it, too,
since we're twins, and you look just like me.
"
"i love mirrors; i like what i see,
so my house has a hundred-and-three.
there's my perfect reflection
in every direction!
oh, catoptrophilia glee!
"
"playboy people, i'd like to suggest
that a centerfold model looks best
when her hair's done up neatly,
she's naked (completely),
and staples don't run through her chest.
"
"i was ordered to cease and desist;
i'll obey, or the judge'll be pissed.
but that's her loss, not mine:
she would find me divine?
if she'd only admit i exist.
"
"when i sense that my mind is in fetters
(that line there had thirty-one letters),
to loosen, i count
up the total amount
of the stitches in each of my sweaters.
"
"my husband can't see when i smirka
and mouth that i think he's a jerka.
it's not that he's blind,
but because he's confined
me to wearing this face-hiding burqa.
"
"since i bought all my kittens a nightie?
cat's pajamas?don't think that i'm flighty:
my pussies concur
(by the way that they purr)
their new teddies of fur are alrighty.
"
"the doctor said, ""listen up, nurse:
speak english next time we converse.
when i ask how's his bladder,
don't tell me it's badder
when?clearly?you mean that it's worse.""
"
"bruce wayne has been shot by a gat,
unaware where the villain was at.
his sad explanation?
""bad echolocation;
remember, i'm blind as a bat!""
"
"since my pain's grown too powerful, drug me;
bring my loved ones all in here to hug me;
tell the doctors to go;
turn the lights way down low;
say you love me again?then unplug me.
"
"""you should probably get with the times;
buy a tv in color,"" he chimes.
so i answer with, ""why?
i'm a black-and-white guy,
plus i'm cheap with my nickels and dimes.""
"
"most aardvarks have little to say
in regard to their odd double-a.
they wouldn't feel cheated
if one were deleted.
thus, ""a-r-d-v-a-r-k"".
"
"while divorcing, she called me ""demonic"",
a term that was truly ironic;
she's one of those ladies
who came outta hades,
so she'd be the one who is chthonic.
"
"in the desert i wandered until
i found shade in the lee of a hill.
wish i'd taken my cheche;
on my neck, all the flesh
has been burned like a steak on a grill.
"
"though i think they've; no obvious flaws,
seems my, poems don't garner: applause,
as they're full; of mistakes.
these, superfluous breaks
called caesuras are giving, folks pause.
"
"the bonneville salts flats are vast,
and, for speed records, quite unsurpassed,
as they're empty and flat.
even better than that:
cops ignore you, no matter how fast!
"
"i'm a monk (that is, ""one who rejects
all his earthly, unseemly effects"").
if i'd known of the price,
though, i may have thought twice:
till the day that i die, no more sex?!
"
"my new job at the morgue is a bore:
only dead people come through the door,
and the setting's severe.
but the cerements here
mean i'm dressing like never before.
"
"never play your best tunes at these gigs;
there's no skill in their fat, clumsy jigs.
they may think we'd be fine
casting pearls before swine,
but i won't waste my gems on these pigs.
"
"i'm a strictly cepivorous guy;
i eat nothing but onions. no lie:
onion pies, onion cakes,
onion ice cream and shakes.
yes, i'm single?and think i know why.
"
"i was near her erogenous zone
when she told me to leave her alone.
it's becoming a bummer
that, though it's the summer,
she's constantly chilled to the bone.
"
"as they sat on a mat in their flat,
kat and pat had an intimate chat:
talk of this and of that,
who they are, where they're at;
they were happy just chewing the fat.
"
"my spaceship? spent billions to buy it,
plus more to pay someone to fly it.
but still, i can grin,
as the air up there's thin;
anacoustically speaking, it's quiet.
"
"i was charged with the theft of her car
after taking her keys from the bar.
if you steal from a lass,
better fill up with gas,
or you're naught but an ass. (yes, you are.)
"
"said the text, ""i'm an affable lad,""
so i answered his personal ad.
now i date him, but fear it's
perverse and it's queer; it's
so weird to be dating my dad.
"
"a mexican chef named miguel
loves to hear when his customers yell,
and the louder those screams,
then the wider he beams;
his chipotles are hotter than hell.
"
"while it's painfully hot down in hell,
and he's hating the sulfurous smell,
george's spirits aren't sagging;
he hears no more nagging.
on balance, he's doing quite well.
"
"the celebrity-worshipping sod
has a viewpoint theistically odd:
the sad ignoramus
thinks anyone famous
should surely be treated like god.
"
"he's a chowhound, but isn't a mutt;
he enjoys nothing more than to glut.
he will drop in his seat,
where he'll eat and he'll eat
(which has lead to his supersized butt).
"
"the paper is wrong; i refuse
to believe what i read in the news.
yeah, it's there?black and white?
but i swear it ain't right;
i would never be driving with booze.
"
"a castor's a silver device
for pouring your pepper and spice;
these seasonings drop
through the holes in the top,
and i'd buy one?but can't pay the price.
"
"i've had nothing but beans, and, alas,
what you feared is now coming to pass:
i've forgotten somehow
my carminative; now
you will all get to live with my gas.
"
"don't you lie 'bout my cat. i won't buy it,
for you ate him, my friend. don't deny it:
bloody fur's on your lips,
and your mouth's clawed to strips.
did my cat get your tongue? you're so quiet?
"
"i'm a thoroughbred feeling remorse,
for my filly has filed for divorce.
all you stallions, beware:
don't get hitched to a mare
you can't win with. don't back the wrong horse.
"
"with your card trick, i'm quick to believe
that you don't have a thing up your sleeve.
you can skip the canard,
since you won't find it hard
when revealing my card: i'm naive.
"
"where should barium sulfate lay blame
for having much more than one name?
it's heavy spar, barite,
barytes and baryte.
they're many, but all mean the same.
"
"sure, we're thrilled you've got seven degrees,
and you're rich, and you've vast expertise,
and we'd love to hear more;
carry on. (just ignore
while we snore, as we're catching some z's.)
"
"you're no spy; you've not bedded a blonde;
not a suit from savile have you donned;
the martinis you've taken
were stirred and not shaken.
i think we should call you james ""conned"".
"
"adam looked at me, shaking and peeved.
""eve, i've never felt quite so deceived.""
i said, ""hon, it won't kill us.
big deal: we're aphyllous.
don't like it? we'll just get re-leaved.""
"
"when my firm laid me off, i responded
by forging some trades, then absconded.
i know my ex-bosses
aren't hurt by the losses:
they're blanket fidelity bonded.
"
"since i'm leaving you, dear, i suppose
you should know it's because of my nose.
you've not changed in a week,
so you're starting to reek.
change my mind? how 'bout changing your clothes?
"
"ain't no restaurant, but still you're in luck,
'cause my chuck wagon cookin' don't suck.
ain't no cowboys a-bitchin';
a meal from my kitchen
means downin', not uppin', your chuck.
"
"oklahoma's got ada. the name
drives me crazy, and spelling's to blame:
am i coming or going?
there's no way of knowing,
since frontward or back, it's the same.
"
"when i told you, ""this dinner's like dirt,""
i could see that your feelings were hurt.
that's because you don't know
i've chthonophagy, so
let me ask you: what's up for dessert?
"
"with chopsticks tonight, you'll devour
all manner of things sweet-and-sour;
chinese food's on your menu.
(the problem is, when you
eat once, you'll want more in an hour.)
"
"an amorous knight?a real charmer?
seduced the young bride of a farmer.
he paid with his life,
being stabbed with a knife
in the groin through a chink in his armor.
"
"""anosognosia's all in your mind,
so i'm being unfairly maligned;
i can still drive my car
to get chicks at the bar!""
screeched my father, who's ninety?and blind.
"
"allthesewordsaretogetherinclumps,
sothesesentencessufferfromlumps.
i'mfeelingsovexed
bythiscamelcasetext;
i'mforeverperplexedbythehumps.
"
"i've discovered my wife was seduced
by her boss in a fling i induced:
i screwed my assistant,
so wifey's consistent.
(my chickens have come home to roost.)
"
"little steve shot his parents in bed,
took their cash and their car, and then fled.
he showed chutzpah; his plea:
""have some mercy on me!
i'm an orphan! my parents are dead!""
"
"we sell acmel and winstun and salam.
just order online, and we'll mail 'em.
oh, kids, ain't it dandy?
our cigarette candy
is sold on the web now! inhale 'em!
"
"so you see my accessory nipple
and say i'm a ""bosomy cripple""?
whatever; my nub'll
beat anyone's double?
i've got me a mammary triple!
"
"""if you miss this last game-winning basket,""
the coach said, ""i won't blow a gasket.
i'll just rip out your heart,
tear your body apart,
and then bury your bits in a casket.""
"
"when the feverish dengue receiver
detached all his limbs with a cleaver,
he said, ""i've removed
all the pain, which has proved
that disarming relieves breakbone fever!""
"
"in the bible is written the fable
of cain, who, when madly unstable,
had murdered his brother.
asked ""why?"" by their mother,
he answered, ""because he was abel.""
"
"you've achillobursitis? big deal;
i'm not really concerned how you feel.
you have been, without fail,
such a pain in my tail,
i don't care you've a pain in your heel.
"
"if the murderous type, then indeed one
of those blue screens of death might just lead one
to commit compucide:
""my computer just died!
holy hell! where's a gun when i need one!?!""
"
"seems an autophyte's not as bizarre
as some fords wearing gloves while they spar:
it's a self-feeding plant,
not two autos (which can't
go to war in a ring, car-on-car).
"
"i yelled, ""stop! that is not what i wanted!""
but my sign painter pushed on, undaunted.
""so my a's look like stairs.
i say, who the hell cares?
i don't do anti-alias fonted.""
"
"on a honeymoon cruise with my bride,
every move that i made was denied.
though i begged her for sex,
she said, ""sorry to vex,
but i'm only along for the ride.""
"
"when my friend stole the carta marina,
i laughed like a happy hyena,
not knowing, perhaps,
scandinavian maps
rare as that one would bring a subpoena.
"
"as a crab, i was subject to fightin',
a-pinchin', a-clawin', a-bitin'.
i survived it to tell:
if you gotta repel,
just be born with a shell made of chitin.
"
"though i'm certain we men are superior
(meaning women are mostly inferior),
i'm no chauvinist swine:
i say women are fine?
if they're blessed with a pretty posterior.
"
"""i've discovered,"" said doc, with a smile,
""a procedure to help with your bile,
and i want to okay it,
but can't even say it;
you'll likely be waiting a while.""
"
"i'll be riding too soon in a hearse
if i can't break cholesterol's curse,
for the gunk in my heart's
near the top of the charts?
and the higher it is, then the worse.
"
"yes, our bus barn's a problem, alright;
it's an ugly, malodorous blight.
but as barn's go, it's fine:
ain't no horses or swine,
but where buses are spending the night.
"
"for watching your neighbors undressed,
a cassegrain telescope's best.
(better spy from a spot
where you'll never be caught;
you could possibly face an arrest.)
"
"lost my job at the mine, but just laughed
at the way it was choreographed;
all those 'gems' that i stole?
they were throwaway coal!
i believe i've been given the shaft.
"
"you believe you're a genius and stud,
but you haven't the brains of a spud.
though thinking you're awesome,
you're dumb as a blossom?
a real blooming idiot, bud.
"
"at the school board, i've filed a complaint:
not a bus uses chrome yellow paint.
ours are camouflage green,
which for hunting is keen,
but for seeing our children, it ain't.
"
"ann's alone, for?she always contends?
her career leaves her time for no friends,
since she makes a good earning
by constantly burning
the candle she holds at both ends.
"
"there's no fighting your true allegations.
we swindle, like most corporations;
our first inclination's
to yield to temptations,
and cheat on our tax calculations.
"
"as i took a long sip from her punch,
from my mouth came an unforeseen crunch.
i remarked, ""that was hard!""
""if it tasted like chard,""
she replied, ""it was part of my lunch.""
"
"it was you who demolished our plan,
but you know i'm a slow-witted man,
so i'll loudly proclaim,
""it's my fault! i'm to blame!""
while you walk, and i carry the can.
"
"in old athens, two snakes on a rod
with two wings represented a god.
but?as zeus would avow?
the caduceus now
stands for doctors who work on your bod.
"
"""my constituents know my morality
is perfect through spirituality.
my opponent's is not?
god, you newsbabes are hot!""
spoke the pol in today's actuality.
"
"we were out on the pitch when a fellow
fell down, and then said with a bellow
while lying inert,
""ref, i'm not really hurt!""
thus the man drew a caution (a yellow).
"
"docs who scoff at the fruit i devour
are jealous i'm healthy; they're sour.
an apple a day
keeps the doctor away?
well, i eat twenty bushels an hour.
"
"were you deaf, or ignoring me, mister,
when i said stay away from my sister?
now you're gonna get bloody.
(if ignorance, buddy,
is bliss, i'd guess you'd be a blister.)
"
"i don't mind if you notice i'm stacked;
just don't ask, ""are they silicone-packed?
did you grow your own, or
were they bought at the store?""
not your biz, as a matter of fact!
"
"all we yanks can be oft misconstrued
by you brits as too vulgar and crude,
but your etiquette's muddy:
why can't we use bloody
when talking of undercooked food?
"
"we must face the immutable facts:
standard chromophotography lacks.
with their tints and their hues,
color photographs lose
all those beautiful whites, grays, and blacks.
"
"i returned from the spiraled andromeda
maxed out on my buick's speedomeda.
oh, the overage fees
when the avis guy sees
forty-trill on that rental's odomeda!
"
"in a plant, an accessory cell
can protect and rebuff and repel.
(though ""a phone that you choose
'cause it goes with your shoes""
is a good definition as well.)
"
"it's a true, unassailable fact:
sometimes honesty loses to tact.
if i say, ""you look great!""
though you're packing on weight,
i'm performing a balancing act.
"
"at the restaurant, she'd finished dessert,
then arisen and lifted her skirt.
i'd have ogled and stared
at the parts she had bared,
but she'd done it to mock?not to flirt.
"
"""though i'm drunk, i'm not cheap, as you think,""
slurred my wife as she puked in the sink.
""but i'm little, that's all,
and because i'm so small,
i get plastered from only one drink.""
"
"you need counterfeit stamps? i'll supply 'em?
take my copying skills and apply 'em?
but i'm wasting the day
on your stamp's burel?;
why not drive to the store and just buy 'em?
"
"in the shadows, the reaper awaits,
well aware of my desperate straits.
at the end of my livin',
the dealer has given
me nothin' but aces and eights.
"
"being frugal, i'd sewn a new dress
using remnants from ""fabrics-4-less.""
now i'm hearing applause
from all gentlemen 'cause
i used cheesecloth?a see-through success.
"
"on our first anniversary, she fled
after stating we shouldn't have wed.
i protested, ""my dear,
have we wasted a year?!""
""better later than never,"" she said.
"
"beccaficos are prized for two things:
there are songs that each one of them sings,
and?so tender and sweet?
there is also the meat
from their breasts and their thighs and their wings.
"
"it's a paradox, most would agree:
in a grouping of just twenty-three,
mathematics predicts
that some pair in our mix
likely share the same birthday. (do we?)
"
"i held him and told him, ""my hubby,
i'm bothered you've gotten so tubby.""
he answered, irate,
""so i'm short for my weight.
i'm not fat; i'm proportionally chubby.""
"
"you've got nothing; you just took a peek
at your cards, and you're starting to freak.
common sense says to check,
but you bet. what the heck;
hold 'em poker's no game for the meek.
"
"i'd shot bullets of silver, but missed 'em,
then driven some stakes. simply pissed 'em;
i'm facing a flood
of 'em wanting the blood
from my cardiovascular system.
"
"a wal-mart's been built up the street,
and my customers tell me, ""that's neat!""
but a big-box?a store
boasting bargains galore?
means my little box faces defeat.
"
"all my friends say, with men, i'm not smart:
they knew this guy was bad from the start.
but i'm starting to see
what they mean, and agree
that he's evil: i'm changing my heart.
"
"i've no savings; no cash have i stored;
there is much that i still can't afford.
but i'm shedding no tears,
for my checkered career's
been so varied, i've never been bored.
"
"little johnny just abseiled a slope,
but the thread that he used couldn't cope.
johnny's now but a stiff
at the base of that cliff,
so i'm thinking he should have used rope.
"
"when she found she was pregnant?a gaffe,
for they never had wanted a calf?
she cried, ""lordy, what now?!""
he mooed, ""don't have a cow!!""
she asked, ""no? should i have a giraffe?!""
"
"yeah, your wife's the best cook on the street;
all her dishes are subtle and sweet.
but her cover charge sucks;
she wants thirty-one bucks
just to let you sit down in a seat.
"
"i remain not the least bit impressed
by your poker skills; might i suggest
you stop showing your aces
to everyone's faces?
start holding them close to the vest.
"
"though it's true that i'm into competing,
to claim i'm an athlete is cheating;
i'm slow and inept
with no talent?except
i've a knack for competitive eating.
"
"through my weight loss, i'm forced to conclude
that a tapeworm's been stealing my food;
i've been growing so thin
from some eater within,
i need cesticide soon?or i'm screwed.
"
"in her cradle, my baby just squalls,
and her brother runs wild through the halls,
and i'm scrubbing and mopping
and folding and shopping,
and steadily climbing the walls?
"
"the airline's not checking your bags,
since they looked and they found 'neath the rags
an explosive device?
and it didn't suffice
that you told them so right on your tags.
"
"if you're struggling with tricky addition,
pretend you're a mathematician:
try casting out nines
(while your teacher opines
you're a cheat?or a freakin' magician.)
"
"if a striker who's catching a pass
takes a hit and then falls to the grass,
the advantage may go
to the man who can show
to the ref all the green on his ass.
"
"i've been watching old movies all day,
and i'm feeling much better, i'd say.
it's the heal-as-you-shirk-
every-semblance-of-work-
via-cinematherapy way.
"
"the baker left scratching his head
when i ordered some artisan bread.
he returned from the back
with a loaf painted black,
and with speckles of purple and red.
"
"teach your children?each time that you might?
things are seldom all wrong or all right;
it's okay if you say
there are levels of gray,
and that life isn't just black and white.
"
"my darling, i seldom complain,
but you're cooking that same dish again:
chinese chicken, with oodles
of veggies and noodles.
do you ever get sick of chow mein?
"
"before marriage, i couldn't resist
asking names of the people she'd kissed.
she reclined with a pen
and the phone book and then
made a check by each name on the list.
"
"when younger, the bulk of my crimes
had netted me nickels and dimes.
but nowadays, bills
are the fruit of my skills;
i suppose i've just changed with the times.
"
"i've got caller id on my phone;
when you're calling, your number is shown.
it's a way to avoid
those i never enjoyed.
i get plenty annoyed on my own.
"
"i'm a husband who's trying to grapple
with urges that keep me from chapel;
i don't want to cheat,
but i'm nearing defeat.
(why did eve have to eat of that apple?)
"
"when the weather's this hot, i'd agree
that it's too hot to work. but that's me:
i'm a temperate slob
not in love with my job,
which i hate to the highest ?.
"
"as a bride, you're a slouch in the sack
if your sacrum is all out of whack;
that chakra, my daughter,
is meant to be water,
and oughta be orange, not black!
"
"as a parent, at times, i've preferred
that my children be seen and not heard.
but the truth is, i like
every sound from a tyke?
every laugh, every shout, every word.
"
"if you're cooking a burger, chargrill it;
don't fry it in fat, or you'll kill it.
i've a fervent belief
any patty of beef
is destroyed by a stint in a skillet.
"
"if you think you've a radio voice,
then you haven't got much of a choice:
the announcer's test's next.
just remember the text,
say it right, say it clear, then rejoice!
"
"said the vicar, ""our church is expanding,
so everyone's started demanding
a chapel of ease,
and i'm hearing the pleas
of parishioners weary of standing.""
"
"at the station, we heard a request:
have our weathergirl flatten her chest,
as our chroma key means
that she fills viewer's screens,
and her boobs block the states in the west.
"
"yes, i think it's a little unfair
that, at thirty, my head is so bare,
and i'm kind of appalled
i've a chrome dome?i'm bald?
and i'm angry i'm losing my hair.
"
"save embarrassment: never assume
that a lady who enters your room
has arrived for a ""date"".
she's the chambermaid, mate,
if she carries a mop and a broom.
"
"though we're dating, it's pointless denying
he's a jerk; if i did, i'd be lying.
but the check's always his,
so, as bad as he is,
i'll keep dating?as long as he's buying.
"
"i'm angry my wife won't decide to
save money; she's far too much pride to.
now i'm deeper in debt
than the day that we met.
""i'm a cheap date,"" she claimed. i was lied to.
"
"she's lonely, and getting much older,
still mad from the night when he told her,
""you bitter old crone;
i was better alone!""
and she can't lose that chip on her shoulder.
"
"slept all night in a chair under sheets
before eating some terminal treats.
i was bumped from my plane
as?the agents maintain?
they had too many souls for their seats.
"
"i am old, and can say that at last
i'm at peace with my own checkered past.
of my good years and bad,
all that yet makes me sad
is the way that they all went so fast.
"
"though her ""perfectly tuned choreography""
used ""all of the stage's topography"",
the men wore no pants,
so, to critics, the dance
was ""a wanton display of pornography"".
"
"my son is a master of noise,
and all that he sees, he destroys.
his actions are draining,
but i'm not complaining;
i love him?and boys will be boys.
"
"at the chapel, you told me ""i do,""
and i'd started to say it to you,
when a whispered ""take care;
heard of buyer beware?""
were the words from your mom in the pew.
"
"i had finished my moo goo gai pan
when the sweating and headaches began.
once again, msg's
got me loathing chinese;
do they use it in food from japan?
"
"i'm not paying for cable tv,
as there's nothing compelling to see.
spend my money for scads
of old reruns and ads?
i'm not watching?not even for free.
"
"i'm an artist whose art is a breeze
and adored by those easy to please.
complex paintings they ain't:
i use ascii, not paint,
simply time and a handful of keys.
"
"i was starting to feel some desire,
but your bragging's now making me tire.
the boasting you do
makes enough co2
to extinguish most anyone's fire.
"
"i've got money, but don't want to hear it,
for i tremble whenever i'm near it.
i've been wishing my cash
could be thrown in the trash;
i'm a chrematophobe, so i fear it.
"
"i believe you've been sadly misled;
a cheeseball is cheese you can spread,
not a ball for a game
(though my brother can claim
that they hurt when they're thrown at your head).
"
"though they've beaten him into the ground,
and his wounds are severe and profound,
and he's likely to die,
he just batted one eye!
do you think that he's coming around?
"
"i savor your cooking, dear julie,
i promise you?deeply and truly.
but rattlesnake, seared
with a candle, then smeared
with a toadstool and butterscotch coulis?
"
"though believers in unicorns throng
in a grouping a billion-plus strong,
not a creature's been born
like a horse with a horn.
argumenta ad populum: wrong!
"
"we use feline when talking of cats,
and then murine when speaking of rats.
we'll say taurine for oxes,
and vulpine for foxes,
and pteropine?sometimes?for bats.
"
"much conventional wisdom is rot,
and the people who spout it know squat.
i'll buy their contention
it fits with convention,
but wisdom it's certainly not.
"
"juggling chainsaws, you sliced off your thumb.
next you downed ninety gallons of rum,
locked yourself in the fridge,
and then jumped from a bridge.
yeah, you've cornered the market on dumb.
"
"i'm not stripping; i swear those are rumors.
with credit that's meant for consumers,
though neck-deep in debt,
i'm no striptease just yet;
i've lost everything save for my bloomers.
"
"he was hauling propane in his chevy
while speeding the length of the levee.
his negligent dash
caused the chevy to crash;
he was burnt to an ash in the bleve.
"
"making love to you sure would be nice,
but we've no contraceptive device;
i'm stopping at petting,
not foolishly betting
my future on rolls of the dice.
"
"a limerick writer named clyde
penned this ode on an ambulance ride.
he had finished line four,
but before writing more,
"
"said callimachus, ancient greek poet,
""the common repulses; forgo it.
the well-trodden field
is unwilling to yield,
so no truth is revealed."" (don't i know it.)
"
"seems my ""hotness"" is just a facade;
on the inside, i'm frosty, unthawed.
am i sexy? i wish,
but i'm cold as a fish?
as erotic as deep-frozen cod.
"
"i've been emailing you as you wander,
but getting your autoresponder.
as your boss, i insist
that you write me. i'm pissed!
in your absence, i'm growing no fonder.
"
"poor fiona will be quite upset
if she visits a newsstand, i'll bet:
that's her face and physique
on the cover this week
of the stupider women's gazette.
"
"we use clockwise as though in denial
that the analog clock's out of style.
but precision demands
using digits, not hands;
fewer timepieces now have a dial.
"
"""but my darling, that wasn't a pass;
i was merely consoling that lass.""
but my wife isn't buying;
she knows that, by lying,
i'm trying to cover my ass.
"
"the doctor says, ""what i propose is
some herbicide right where your nose is.
we'll hurry, not wait;
things are going so great
for you, pimples are coming up roses.""
"
"i won't cry; it's no lie i won't die
from the ""sty"" that i spy by my eye.
(i deny it's a sty;
my chalazion, high
and nearby to my eye, is too dry.)
"
"""i can't exercise much,"" i reply
to my doc, who says, ""do it or die!""
it's because i'm so fat;
i'm too heavy for that.
he says circular reasoning's why?
"
"i've advice that i'd like to relate:
if you're stealing an auto, just wait;
cops are watching some cars,
so you'll land behind bars
if you're foolish and swallow their bait.
"
"we're divorced! we've just bid a farewell
after decades of living in hell!
in conjubilant glee,
we rejoice while we flee
like two inmates set free from a cell!
"
"i'm aware you need food and a drink, cat,
but my bird's not a meal, as you think, cat.
i'm not giving an inch,
so stop eyeing my finch!
you're not chewing my pretty chewink, cat!
"
"i've been casing the joint for the tools
i'll be needing to burgle the jewels.
(i'll be smashing no glass;
i'm a felon with class,
and we classy ones follow the rules.)
"
"innovation is like innervation;
mastication became masturbation.
take care when you speak
lest your words make folks freak?
because catchfools can cause a sensation.
"
"when two elements meet as a pair,
it's each other's electrons they share.
when an atom combines,
its covalence defines
what it brings to this sordid affair.
"
"first, some  mercury's leaked to the sea,
then some plankton?so tiny and wee?
start absorbing that metal
(which, sadly, will settle
in places where plankton run free).
"
"it's those moments no man wants to miss:
it's her hug in the night; it's her kiss;
it's the warmth of your bride
while it's storming outside;
it's her love; it's connubial bliss.
"
"when i started, i hadn't a clue
taking silver was stupid to do.
now i'm filled with chagrin
at the tint of my skin;
i resemble a smurf, i'm so blue.
"
"i was hoping my dance was seductive;
instead, she declared it obstructive.
she's faulting my belly
for blocking the telly;
my foreplay seems counterproductive.
"
"after bumming a light for a smoke,
i reclined in my chair, and then spoke.
""we're unsure of your game,
but we've nabbed the right dame,""
then i gave all her fingers a stroke.
"
"here's a reason america's great:
separation of church and of state.
but, to some, that divide
is uncomfortably wide,
so they pray for that gap to abate.
"
"a bonobo quite rightly expects
to have frequent and varying sex,
screwing all that he sees
while he swings through the trees.
and the best part? no female objects!
"
"easter's truly a strange celebration,
a pagan and christian conflation.
there are lilies and hares
mixed with chanting and prayers
through the process of christianization.
"
"there's a prominent welt on my skin
where a chigoe has burrowed within.
she's a tropical flea
that's too little to see?
and she's laying her eggs in my chin!
"
"with a cognitive therapy session,
i wanted to ease my depression.
i'll never go back,
though; the doctor's a quack,
and the worst of his chosen profession.
"
"all my drinking became quite a bore,
and a thing that i'd come to deplore,
so i quit with a vow,
and i'm happily now
clean and sober?i'm drinking no more.
"
"when my husband is helping with chores,
my libido?incredibly?soars.
i'm watching my spouse work;
he's doing the housework.
our foreplay is choreplay. is yours?
"
"""this instant,"" she ordered, ""your hopping
from woman to woman is stopping!""
i answered, ""but dear,
i'm not cheating; it's clear
i am simply comparison shopping.""
"
"she's got beauty the world's never known!
she's a queen! she belongs on a throne!
she's exquisite! ideal!
she's got boundless appeal!
she's so perfect, i think she's my clone!
"
"after years of connubial bliss,
we've discovered there's something amiss,
and lawyers are quibbling.
(i wedded my sibling;
a brother can't marry his sis.)
"
"buying jewelry to make your wife glad?
get it wrong, and you'll just make her mad.
don't forget the 4c's,
or you'll never appease
her, you chintzy and coarse cheapo cad.
"
"concerned that she's acting much battier,
i said to that widow named patti, ""er,
alone at night, walking,
you just keep on talking.""
she wheezed, ""you're just jealous i'm chattier.""
"
"though you tempt and seduce and beguile,
we'll be taking no walk down the aisle.
while i'm willing to bed you,
i simply won't wed you;
no married life's cramping my style.
"
"when i told her ""i do,"" but of course
i believed there would be no divorce.
an unfortunate vow,
i'm lamenting it now,
for i'm feeling such buyer's remorse.
"
"when you're chasing the dragon, it's true
you can die from the high you pursue.
fight its fiery breath,
for the dragon is death.
slay it first, or the dragon slays you.
"
"tqeqp cyyzx fxtep cmrdf pwsyp
nqfee mxtzo lefez pwmfa edlwt
xllpd tspya qloxc nytco whtop
elrdl hptxz xhpjw azldx ypldz
lpyds pecdl fdcop ttjpu c
"
"said my brother (a plumber), ""the flow
in your pipes is pathetically slow.
see, that backflow device
you installed won't suffice,
'cause you put it on backwards, you schmo.""
"
"with a husband at last by her side,
she was happy as ever, and cried.
why the wedding day tears?
she had always?for years?
been a bridesmaid, but never the bride.
"
"crashed my chevy, while boozing and high,
in the lake (the town's water supply).
as my auto was sinking,
they nabbed me for drinking
while boating (bwi).
"
"she was mad as she boarded my yacht
to announce that she quit on the spot.
""this whole boat's like a thresher!
the crew's under pressure!
a barophile, captain, i'm not.""
"
"across:
??1) it's a feather a chicken neck had.
??4) acapulcans say this, not ""not bad!""
??6) clues across and then down.
??8) pulpy fruit of renown.
??9) misty fount in a yellowstone ad.

down:
??1) river horse that's a fave at the zoo.
??2) armadillo that lives in peru.
??3) address suffix for sites.
??5) give a guy priestly rights.
??7) water mammal, and southern ""should"", too.
"
"she was ""wasting"" her money on stocks;
now that woman owns whole city blocks.
we reclined on our butts
and defined her as ""nuts"".
she was crazy, all right?like a fox.
"
"though you chatter and patter and natter
of reasons you think you've grown fatter,
it's really quite clear:
you're esurient, dear.
you're a hog; that's the crux of the matter.
"
"she's an aquaphobe?scared of the water?
so won't use the bathtub i bought 'er.
that's fine, though; her reek
makes her lose hide-and-seek?
i can smell 'er before i can spot  'er.
"
"when the prez warns of ""terrorist chatter"",
we worry there's something the matter.
a ploy to console us,
or simply control us?
quite frankly, i fear, it's the latter.
"
"i've a notion i'd like to express
to explain why it's called pms:
because cattlemen, see,
use the term bse,
meaning ""mad cow"" is taken, i guess.
"
"as an archer, i always insist
on a bracer protecting my fist;
i'm preventing a sting
by deflecting the string
from the sensitive skin of my wrist.
"
"folks are oddly, profoundly obsessed
with the bountiful size of my chest.
i'm not selfish; i share,
so i titillate, bare.
if you're eager to stare, be my guest.
"
"first a habit, now shawls that are woven;
first god, now a god with feet cloven.
she's finished and done
with her years as a nun;
from the convent, she's gone to a coven.
"
"i'm sick of my fecal impaction,
and thinking it's time for some action.
a coprostasis blocking
my butt needs unlocking;
mind lending a hand with extraction?
"
"whether pregnant or dimpled or swinging
or hanging, these ballots you're bringing
are heavy with scads
of recalcitrant chads,
and we can't count the ones that are clinging.
"
"my sister, a huge flabby lass,
had a bypass to narrow her ass,
which earned a phenomenal
costly abdominal
panniculectomy pass.
"
"watch darwinian fitness arrange
when some genotypes cope with a change,
while the others are trapped
when their genes don't adapt,
bloodlines apt to be snapped. very strange.
"
"i'm divorced now, but have to confess:
though i'm minus, i don't feel like less.
i've lost half?a large fraction?
but, bad at subtraction,
i can't tell the difference, i guess.
"
"though she cheated on me, i can't blame her;
she'd warned me no marriage could tame her.
when vowing, ""i do,""
she'd then whispered, ""not true.""
(maybe next time i'll heed the disclaimer.)
"
"to my husband, last night i divulged
all the names of the men i'd indulged.
(i was over a barrel:
my hubby?who's sterile?
had noticed my belly had bulged.)
"
"letter 'a' said, ""i find it absurd
this illogical insult's occurred.
i'm more frequently used,
so i'm truly confused:
why does 'z' always get the last word?""
"
"some unrhymable words are defeating;
both ego and brain take a beating.
but poets quite sharp'll
find rhyming desparple
is only a matter of cheating.
"
"casu marzu's disgusting? oh, please;
it's beloved by most cheese devotees!
it's fantastic! it's marvy!
(that's if you like larvae
and decomposed rot in your cheese.)
"
"if a good bedside manner's your goal
using celoscopes, show some control:
ask her gently, ""good ma'am,
may i start the exam?""
and not, ""hey, can i look in your hole?""
"
"i'm bothered, i've got to confess,
by those who say they ""could care less"".
they use could, but they shouldn't;
they really mean couldn't.
just lazy illogic, i guess...
"
"i admit i'm an overweight lass,
but it's just conservation of mass:
conservation of matter
is making me fatter.
it's physics i blame for my ass!
"
"gps uif ofyu po uif mjtu, j'mm qspwjef
kvtu b xff cju pg nbui bt b hvjef,
b dszquphsbqiz dsvnc:
tjnqmz gjhvsf uif tvn
pg uif trvbsf pg uif zfbs dbftbs ejfe.
"
"ptl matm xtlr, tgw mhhd rhn gh mbfx?
maxg ixkatil rhn tkx lftkmxk matg b'f.
pxee, bm'l mbfx mh ikxitkx
yhk max gxqm (abgml: t ljntkx,
tgw max gnfuxk ybox ihlbmbox ikbfx).
"
"he's got gemstones to sell on the sly
that he's hoping you're willing to buy.
just ignore the details:
all those blood diamond sales
pay for battles where innocents die.
"
"the addiction i have to caffeine
is the bane of my daily routine.
though a coffee is nice,
coca-cola's my vice;
the amount that i guzzle's obscene.
"
"so, this character; where is he from?
was his father a prince, or a bum?
what's he hate or enjoy?
what's his backstory, boy?
how'd he get to be who he's become?
"
"""i'm a class act,"" she boasts as we natter.
i tell her, ""my darling, you flatter;
you're phony. in fact,
it's the former you've lacked?
though you've certainly put on the latter.""
"
"my ""girlfriend""?who claimed to be female?
sent photos to me via email,
thus making me jilt her:
my bayesian filter
revealed she's no she, but a she-male.
"
"i suppose a bordeaux in a box
will suffice if that's all the store stocks;
i can drink it?although
you should probably know
i'm not drinking that wine ""on the rocks"".
"
"when my wives have discovered my crime,
they'll declare that i'm nothing but slime.
but i'm liking things varied,
concurrently married
to twelve at the very same time.
"
"i suppose i should probably mention
the modern-day auto suspension
would be stiffer, no doubt,
and unbending without
the old cardan joint?quite an invention!
"
"when my fish died, i never did carry 'em
out back, dig a hole, and then bury 'em.
since those fishes were dead,
i just ate 'em instead;
many dinners were from my aquarium.
"
"when my daughter was twelve, i was stung:
she'd received a large stud through her tongue,
and a ring near her eye!
(now i think i know why
certain animals eat all their young.)
"
"when my landlord comes by for the rent,
i explain, as he enters my tent,
""all my avenage oats
were consumed by some goats
with a hungry-for-cereal bent.""
"
"of her width and her height, width is greater,
and diets have failed to deflate her.
she's big as a nation,
a true conglobation
possessing not waist, but equator.
"
"the best of the roasts i have tasted
were those that were carefully basted.
an oft-basted roast
will be moister than most,
for none of its juices are wasted.
"
"i believe that it's time i anoint
a mechanic who won't disappoint,
for my current's a pain
who has failed to maintain
my car's constant velocity joint.
"
"if you're craving an african treat,
never order the bushmeat to eat,
or that food on your fork
won't be chicken or pork,
but gorilla or elephant meat.
"
"with your bomber-suggested decor,
it appears that you've been in a war;
your apartment, bedecked
by destruction, was wrecked
with a pound, i suspect, of c-4.
"
"my submission is such a disgrace
that the judges will give me last place:
granny squares were assigned,
but those judges will find
that i made only colbertine lace.
"
"watch a typesetter setting some type,
and observe this occasional gripe:
""they're distinct, these marks are:
one's the split ?,
while the other, in fact, is the |.""
"
"it's combustion in chambers that sends
all that power that's moving your benz.
just remember this rule:
never run out of fuel
(if you do, you'll need pushes from friends).
"
"many people, when driven to choose,
pick careers that'll give them the blues.
but i've made compotation
my chosen vocation;
my job, simply put, is to booze.
"
"eating carrots is such a delight,
as they're tasty, and help with your sight.
just remember, take care:
i exceeded my share;
now my skin is more orange than white.
"
"why my painted-on smile is a frown:
coulrophobia's rampant in town.
all the people appear
to be living in fear
since my circus is here (i'm a clown).
"
"when you pilot a plane, day or night,
and you don't want a truncated flight,
just be sure that you tell
other planes ""asl""
when you're asked your location and height.
"
"i'll ignore that my horoscope deems
mr. right the true man of my dreams.
he's got looks; he's got health;
he's got power and wealth?
but his first name is ""always"", it seems.
"
"all this fine pickled herring we're sharing
is evidence, friend, we're uncaring,
so perhaps we should quit;
every bite leaves a brit
as the orphan of one of those herring.
"
"the guitar player rhythmically strums,
and the drummer hypnotically drums;
the accordion's squeezed;
many people are pleased
when a texan conjunto band comes.
"
"you're a truly experienced baker,
a consummate bread and pie maker.
you over-partake
of the goodies you bake,
so your bsa's close to an acre.
"
"""but i love him!"" i cry to my mother.
she says, ""you must marry another!
your boyfriend has flaws:
consanguinity laws
mean you can't get engaged to your brother.""
"
"i'm surprised you're all sitting here, strumming,
when the night's filled with cherokee drumming.
like i told you before,
in an indian war,
better circle the wagons. they're coming!
"
"""i'm not staying the night here,"" she said.
""i would rather be lonely, instead.
i'm not prey to your lines,
or those burma-shave signs
in a row running straight to your bed.""
"
"since i'm hairy, and shaped as an imp,
and i walk with a stoop and a limp,
and eat bugs, and i stink,
i'm a changeling, i think.
(either that, or my dad was a chimp.)
"
"in the boston molasses disaster,
molasses kept rushing right past 'er.
(she wouldn't have stuck
in the syrupy muck
if she only had run a bit faster.)
"
"i've a new cable modem at last;
now identity theft is a blast!
i am totally awed
that at six million baud
i can perpetrate fraud?and so fast!
"
"they fish in the keys for the bonefish,
that feisty and famously known fish.
it's smart and it's fleet,
but too bony to eat;
it's a catch-and-then-leave-it-alone fish.
"
"""alkekengi?"" she asked. ""it's a berry
that's small, round, and red, like a cherry.
want a taste?"" so i tried,
but i gagged, and she cried,
""was it really that bad?!"" i said, ""very!""
"
"near some airports, you'll hear, without static,
their atis, which means automatic
for the terminal (station,
that is) information,
a service that's very emphatic.
"
"see those girls pirouette and pli?.
""why, they must be from europe!"" you say.
but you're wrong: thank the dean,
mister george balanchine;
he's the father of u.s. ballet.
"
"my father declared, ""youthful folly!
you don't care that a language of mali
is bambara? you twit!""
i said, ""no, not a whit.
dad, i'm five. now, please hand me my lolly.""
"
"if you're searching for homonyms, look
at the fisherman's opera book;
you'll find: ""males who sing low
are called basses, although
other basses are fish one can cook.""
"
"i'm about to have words with my broker:
his picks have been sub-mediocre.
my stocks? unimpressive;
his autoregressive
techniques make me wish i'd played poker.
"
"if in battle you've somehow lost track
of the cannonballs piled in your stack,
and you need to count fast
all those balls you've amassed,
solve the problem with math?then attack!
"
"bush arrived on the ship in a jet,
like some fop on a hollywood set.
to the troops in battalia,
he drawled, ""didn't fail ya!""
but ""mission accomplished""? not yet.
"
"yeah, it's true: where i work i'm unique,
though i haven't a sculpted physique,
or nice breath, or clean clothes,
and i can't see my toes.
but i'm ""popular"": i'm alpha geek.
"
"i sure hope, come the next big election,
we can turn from our bitter direction:
bush has torn us in two
(half in red, half in blue)
by dividing us ? by ?.
"
"""fellow countrymen, rise! be aware!
those among us who like to cut hair
are a scourge, and a blight!
we must stand! we must fight!
we must...barbarization? oh. right.""
"
"an amorous, ravenous spider
once strolled with her lover astride 'er.
she took, with delight,
a cheliceral bite,
and returned with her lover inside 'er.
"
"it's a side, it's an edge, it's a limit;
you'll find immigrants oft' are agin' it.
it's a brink, it's some lines;
thus your border defines
what you've got and the parts that are in it.
"
"round the edge of the garden you'll find
plants with beautiful colours entwined.
this fine border of flowers
keeps me busy for hours;
it's a toil and a joy, both combined.
"
"possessions can sometimes be charming;
an excess to your health may be harming.
with necessities bare,
in the world you've no care?
that's a prospect i find quite alarming.
"
"if you're browsing for sights that are scarier
you would best be advised to be warier.
sites that end dot bg
may not be virus-free
'cos they're based in the country bulgaria.
"
"the music was quite inharmonic;
the dissonant chords were no tonic.
all the notes were ajar?
left my brain with a scar?
mental pain can be stereophonic!
"
"on a space flight that's long you will find
avionics?advanced, well-designed.
though they may be ok
when they start on their way,
by the end they'll be light years behind.
"
"though an open-air shrine may be fine
on the days when the sun likes to shine,
when the weather turns wet,
then i'm willing to bet
that an aedicule might seem divine.
"
"i may be auxotrophic, i think:
at the start of each day i must drink
a large cup of black coffee,
or chew on a toffee,
else back on my pillows i'll sink.
"
"i came down to breakfast to see,
on the abacus, food stacked for me.
don't look so askance,
for you'll see at one glance
that a sideboard is what it must be.
"
"once an abacus, i understand,
was a board over which was strewn sand.
you could use it to draw
random figures galore
with a stylus, a stick, or your hand.
"
"you stay at your school overnight?
for a day, or a week, that's all right.
it just means you're a boarder
whose folks can afford a
large bill for your schooling delight.
"
"getting ready to go to the fair;
how i hope my true love will be there.
but i'm not ready yet
as my border's not set,
so i plait and i braid up my hair.
"
"i'm an addict, or so it's been said;
my addiction takes over my head.
now i limerick away
through the night, through the day,
to define every word, a to z!
"
"in some radio circuits you'll find
oscillator, detector combined;
they've been known for a while,
called the autodyne style,
although eating in cars comes to mind.
"
"when the car to your front, for a stunt,
with no warning slows down, you may grunt.
if you've anti-lock braking
you'll find yourself making
a stop with no skidding or shunt.
"
"the idea sounds ideal, but in life
adelphogamy may lead to strife.
in tibet and nepal
it is not strange at all
for two brothers to share the same wife.
"
"just how wide's the inside of a pipe,
or a hole through a fruit that is ripe?
what's the size of a gun?
what's a bloke who's no fun?
got the word? yes, it's bore that i type.
"
"don't imagine that prospecting's fun.
we will work through the wind, rain and sun,
and our searching for oil
can be backbreaking toil?
yes, it's boring when all's said and done.
"
"your garden will be a great boon,
but you must averruncate there soon.
go and take out your hoe;
back and forth you will go,
as you root out, you weed, and you prune.
"
"want to make some quick dosh, cash-in-hand?
got a room spare at home, not too grand?
take a boarder from me
and i'm sure you'll soon see
that you'll have more to spend than you planned.
"
"to ameliorate what's begun,
make it better, and make it more fun.
an italian, my friend,
scored me eight out of ten.
yes, amelio rated this pun.
"
"if your bp, too high, is at fault,
eating fat and fried food you must halt.
are you stressed? wear no frown.
do you smoke? cut it down.
start a diet ? and eat much less salt.
"
"my telescope mounting's ajee;
its alignment is off one degree.
when i aim for a star
my view's off, but not far?
there she is, in her bedroom. whoopee!
"
"this baguette ain't the one that you know.
it's not bread, nor a gem cut for show.
at the bottom or top
of a column you stop
with a moulding which breaks up the flow.
"
"he was late as i stood by the gate.
should i just walk away? should i wait?
which one should i choose?
will i win? will i lose?
will my path through life bifurcate fate?
"
"i'll define alpargata with skill:
it's what some people call espadrille.
it's a light canvas shoe
with a rope sole that you
may find worn in the pyrenees still.
"
"first the moon pulls the seas?that's a tide,
then this tide meets a river that's wide.
if conditions are right,
then you'll see a strange sight:
it's a bore, and some folks hitch a ride.
"
"o fair axle-tree, bright points of light,
do you watch o'er us through the long night?
when you hide, face away,
through the bright of the day
do you still keep our hearts in your sight?
"
"i'll make love with a gal, when i can,
but i'll also make love with a man!
my reaction's contextual;
you see, i'm bisexual?
whichever way round, i'm a fan.
"
"with an axle-tree under your cart
both the wheels will revolve when you start.
but for cars of today
that would not be ok;
now each wheel has its own axle part.
"
"want to help hunt the skies for et?
or predict what the climate will be?
lots of projects to choose;
pc networks they use.
it's all done with boinc.
"
"as you lean 'gainst a lamp by the street
you may see your true love, smart and neat.
she's in azuline blue,
such an in-fashion hue.
if she stops then your joy is complete.
"
"an indefinite article's sweet.
'fore a noun it can render complete
words that start with the sound
of a vowel. thus are found
an abrasion, an heir, an ?lite.
"
"it's the end of the world ... well not quite.
seems apophis will give us a fright.
though this cold, lifeless rock
could still give us a shock,
now the chance of destruction is slight.
"
"so your well has run dry? what a bore!
now you need us to work?here's the score:
we can bore you a hole
(into water's our goal),
but pay cash, or we'll bore you no more.
"
"it's the news that they've all been awaiting;
now the pundits will start their debating.
should the world find more hope
since we have a new pope?
on the pontiff they're pontificating.
"
"this spelling of ake's gone away;
in dusty old books it'll stay.
take the ""k"" from its place,
put ""ch"" in the space,
and you'll spell a dull pain of today.
"
"anatiferous: just the right word,
though today it's infrequently heard,
to describe the production
(should that be construction?)
of ducks from a tree. how absurd!
"
"there's otter man, dressed all in black,
getting ready to mount an attack.
his sofa's aligning,
his armchair's reclining,
but with timing the footstool strikes back.
"
"agamemnon, a king, went to war
with the trojans, to settle a score.
his duplicitous ploy
caused the downfall of troy
when a gift horse got greeks in the door.
"
"as the season of spring takes its course
i observe the young lambs with remorse.
though they baa and they bleat,
i remember they're meat,
and taste great with mint jelly or sauce.
"
"i thought that he asked for a waltz.
so why was he taking my pulse?
as i fell for his charms
he just ripped off my arms!
what in fact he had said was ""avulse?""
"
"we had rested that night by the bank
of a river, although it was dank.
in the dark came a rattle
and one of our cattle
was caught by a monstrous afanc.
"
"the plane gave a vertical kick
and my lunch turned around double quick.
avinosis has struck,
but i hope, with some luck,
i can pull out that bag ere i'm sick.
"
"to the o.e.d.i.l.f. ? hi.
i have kidnapped your editor guy.
all your members must pay
fifty dollars today
or you'll bid chris j. strolin goodbye.
"
"my website was static and boring;
my visitors ended up snoring.
then i found activex
sound and motion effects?
now my business is suddenly soaring.
"
"if your belly is making you sad,
abdominoplasty's not bad.
'bout your abs we won't nag
and your tummy won't sag
(and many more dates will be had).
"
"when over to england you travel,
i hope all your plans don't unravel.
if you stay in a house
that is bawdy (you louse),
you may end 'fore a judge and his gavel!
"
"one meaning of alveus: it's
the land by the sea, just the bits
from the low-water line
to the high-water sign.
you might call it the beach if that fits.
"
"at the edge of one country you'll see
a line where the next one should be.
to cross at this border
you may have to order
a visa (there might be a fee).
"
"actinology's on the way out!
no more chemicals sloshing about.
so just take one last pic
on your camera (click, click!),
then go digital. try not to pout.
"
"azure's a colour, a blue.
think of sea, or of sky, that's the clue.
but for us in great britain
you'll find we are smitten
with seas of a different hue.
"
"yes, it's true, i miscue. i confess.
for a few that's a cause for distress,
but for every mistake,
a correction i make;
i'm a striver for accurateness.
"
"your accumulator's not up to par?
then some problems you'll have with your car.
a jump start's a pain,
and you'll just miss the train.
with your jam jar recharged, you'll go far.
"
"the church roof, just over the choir,
was recently damaged by fire.
the squire said he'd pay
for repairs, straight away ?
he aspires to a spire that is higher.
"
"sir bernard would oft plant a tree;
an arboriculturist he.
as his dish sweeps the sky,
ancient quasars to spy,
his trees grow arboreally.
"
"i go with no song, no resentment.
just mark when i leave, my absentment.
i must take a break,
for i can't stay awake.
sweet repose will renew my contentment.
"
"if 'gainst life and its course you are flailing
as the passage of time leaves you ailing,
you may find feeble sound
by your ears can't be found;
audiometers measure this failing.
"
"""i've come,"" anna said, ""from o'er yonder.
i'm homeless, bereft, left to wander!""
susan gave her some cash,
which was spent in a flash.
susan cried, ""oh, you snake!"" anna conned her.
"
"king harold went out to espy
how the enemy arrows would fly.
""we've got nothing to fear,
they can't reach us back here.""
and at that he got shot in the eye!
"
"a brock (or a brocket) one day
went out in the woodland to play.
there he met a fine doe,
but her words caused him woe:
""why, your horns are too straight ? go away!""
"
"does the sea rise and fall with the tide?
that it does is a fact not denied.
but for points amphidromic
this statement is comic
for there's no rise or fall to be spied.
"
"what i write with a regular beat
can be cut into metrical feet;
when they're anapest then
i will just start again
for my limerick's now quite complete.
"
"do you want to grow crops where planes fly?
to sow turnips and leeks way up high?
they'll be close to the sun
by the clouds ? oh what fun ...
ahh, my airfield's just pie in the sky.
"
"since ms blake with her ache was a flake,
her doc's take: ""she's a fake."" big mistake!
just imagine her joy
when a new baby boy
came awake with a shake and a quake.
"
"an audiophile i may be,
but i know what you're hiding from me.
my recordings will show
your fidelity's low,
and i'm sure that the court will agree.
"
"lascivious, ribald, and crude,
this language is certainly rude.
these bawdy orations
may cause palpitations.
don't listen if you are a prude.
"
"ayatollahs have life-and-death powers
as they preach to the faithful from towers.
if your name's at the head
when a fatwa is read
get a guard and shun shiites in showers.
"
"this sign on my shield is new-fangled;
the design's been repeatedly mangled.
they've pushed bits about
that they should have left out,
so what once was a line is now angled.
"
"akm is a name some may know
as ak-47. although
it is old in design,
still this rifle fires fine,
as some terrorist groups love to show.
"
"if the light bulb you have is bc,
then to fit it please just follow me.
first you push it in straight,
then you slightly rotate ...
no, the light bulb! how thick can you be?
"
"archimedes, in bath, gave a shout
as the water flowed out of the spout.
""eureka! eureka!""
and rushed out?a streaker.
his ""aha moment"" left him in nowt.
"
"to the pictures enclosed i refer.
they show you and your ""girlfriend"", you cur!
i could make your wife weep ...
but your secret i'll keep
for a ""counselling fee"", as it were.
"
"aberfan, friday morn, people cried
when the waste tip just started to slide;
with a rumble it came
down the hill. now the name
will be known for the children that died.
"
"british radio, also tv,
broadcasting programmes to me.
corporation that's hectic,
diverse and eclectic,
brings news that's impartial and free.
"
"new to teaching, she just can't contain
her emotions; restraint is in vain.
she's attentive?the boys
soon beguile her with ploys;
her b.ed. leads to bed?then to pain.
"
"the power plant trip was just swell.
the guide told us all he could tell.
as we walked round inside
all the staff glowed with pride
that they worked here at bnfl.
"
"if at pinball you cheat, you're a tilter.
if your girl's heart you break, you're a jilter.
if your car's running rough
with a huff and a puff,
then it may be you need an air filter.
"
"when the pirate ship fought a hard fight
we resisted with all of our might.
but we thought they had won,
'til the gold, setting sun
sent the boarders to bed for the night.
"
"hear the click of the clock with its gold face.
see him look through the book with his cold face.
words just rush past his eyes
'til dark text he espies.
concentration revives for this bold face.
"
"there's a technical word you should know
that describes how your data will flow:
baud's the signaling rate.
if your data's too late,
it's because you've a modem that's slow.
"
"are you middle class, hindu and hearty?
own a business or trade (maybe arty)?
hold conservative views?
watch the indian news?
then the bjp may be your party.
"
"baccalaureate: qualification
which, if gained, is the source of elation;
though you'll have to work more,
for some three years or four,
'til you end with your own graduation.
"
"a bank clerk once let out a moan,
""greta garbo is here on the phone,
but she just won't take 'no'
as my answer and go.
tell me, why won't she leave me alone?""
"
"it's bright orange you say? who'd have thought...
and once egg-shaped as well, you report.
after crashes or shocks
they will hunt the black box
so that failures and faults can be caught.
"
"though you know that a badger's a brock,
the word brock can mean more ? what a shock!
it's also a fellow
whose smell's not too mellow,
which might make you think of your sock.
"
"there's nothing in life that is fairer
than my lovely new silver mole scarer.
from dusk through to dawn
buzz buzz buzz goes the lawn?
i just hope that it makes the moles rarer!
"
"this use of the word may seem strange,
but the butts is an archery range.
yes, that's one range, not two ?
though the ""s"" seems a clue,
it misleads, and your thoughts need to change.
"
"when i'm out shooting grouse with the queen
we are hidden; by grouse we're not seen.
just a low wall will do
for this butt made for two
out of stone, or of turf that is green.
"
"the donors are those you should thank;
they have kept you alive. to be frank,
you'd have reached your conclusion
without your transfusion
of blood you withdrew from our bank.
"
"if in derbyshire, mining for lead,
you don't pay what you owe, then it's said
that a barmote's the court
where your case will be brought;
if they wish, they may chop off your head!
"
"do you want to fly high in the sky?
then an airplane is what you should buy.
with a pilot and plane
life is never mundane.
it's a pleasure you just can't deny.
"
"do you want to fly high in the sky?
then an aeroplane's what you should buy.
with your plane in the air
you can live with no care.
i've one here, won't you give it a try?
"
"i feel calm, i've no trouble and strife;
my bd means i can't have a wife.
it would be such a mess
if i'd got bds;
i'd have scraped, drilled and pulled all my life.
"
"the meeting had gone on for hours;
we were wilting, and so were the flowers.
the last item?at last!
""aob?"" say ""no!"" fast,
even though your boss looks up and glowers.
"
"god is good. this is what we are taught;
cataphatic's the tone of this thought.
want to say the same thing
with a negative swing?
god's not bad's apophatically wrought.
"
"if your french wine is good there should be
on the label the note ""aoc"":
appellation, they say,
d'origine contr?l?e.
is that glass there for me? mais, merci!
"
"'twas in switzerland where it all started;
athletes leapt on their bob and departed.
now from st. moritz town
bob-sleigh's grown in renown;
round the world all their gear must be carted.
"
"as you fly through the sky you may find
there's a whoosh, and you've got one behind.
aam is this danger,
just fired by a stranger.
a miss'll be what's on your mind.
"
"there's a borderline chance, so i'll take it.
though i try to sound calm, i can't fake it.
i should say, ""it's ok""
in that cool british way,
or i'll scream, ""we're not going to make it!""
"
"wouldst thou blench me, thou dastardly rogue?
forsooth, is the truth not in vogue?
wouldst thou cheat and deceive?
wouldst thou have me believe
i should trust thee to handle my pogue?
"
"i've a plan to defeat fighting french;
'tis upon them we'll play a good blench.
when they start to attack,
why, we'll quickly fall back
and the french we will drench in our trench.
"
"david beckham has earned lots of fame
since he first started playing his game,
and great bundles of cash
that he keeps in a stash
to support his three kids and posh dame.
"
"though advice from your friends may be rife,
it is you that's in charge of your life.
if you think you can do it,
you'll see your way through it?
though you may find there's trouble and strife.
"
"are you an anticipator
who knows every line i'll write later?
if my words you shout out,
then there's no one can doubt
that you're quite a prognosticator.
"
"it's the white of an egg, this i knew,
but it seems it is endosperm too
(which surrounds growing seeds
for their nutritive needs)?
have some albumen, protein all through.
"
"after gambling all night at the bourse,
i discovered i owned a small horse!
so i led it away ?
in the bathroom to stay;
that's the place for a bidet, of course.
"
"playing fetch with a stick, there's a knack,
but it's one that my dog seemed to lack!
then i found out the trick:
i replaced his old stick?
now my boomerang brings the dog back.
"
"i've a butt of fine wine ? take a peep.
once it's opened, you know it won't keep.
have a glass my dear, do;
hark, it's calling to you:
""drink me up and i'll help you to sleep.""
"
"i've got thousands of flatfish to gut?
shoals of sole, piles of plaice. what a glut!
there's a turbot here too!
i've got so much to do
that i can't sit around on my butt.
"
"at the ski resort, this you should know:
to avoid getting stuck in the snow,
don't get caught at the top
when the cable cars stop ?
which they do when the wind starts to blow.
"
"if with ... stick it's your aim to provoke
and describe something bad with a joke,
then take care what you pick
for the type of your stick?
when in britain, it's dirty we poke.
"
"i'm a cartophile; show me a map
and i'm happy as any a chap.
be it old, be it new,
what i'm yearning to do
is procure one to view. verbum sap.
"
"in a queue for a cue to play pool,
i was pushed out of line by a fool.
but my friend, at the table,
with cue butt was able
to strike my assailant ? how cool!
"
"in an airship, way up in the sky,
was an elegant way, once, to fly.
in the passenger car
you would float near and far;
have those days of high living gone by?
"
"with the cast of the die he'd no truck;
never played any game based on luck;
never sat in the sun;
never drank or had fun.
what a tiresome and boring old schmuck.
"
"a carriage or van on a train
or a tram is a car, i maintain.
call it box or buffet ...
though a streetcar, they say,
named desire can drive you insane.
"
"writing e-mails? a line there may be,
in the heading, that reads ""bcc:"".
for addressees put there,
though the message they share,
no one knows they will read it, just me.
"
"do they stand outside offices? no,
though they leave a black cloud where they go.
a black smoker's intent
is to rapidly vent
to the undersea floor, down below.
"
"from her balcony, juliet cried:
""how i wish for a man by my side!""
""soft, what light yonder breaks?
'tis my love that awakes
in my heart that which can't be denied.""
"
"a cartesian plane, i suspect,
can't be flown in the air (i just checked);
every math student knows
that it graphically shows
where the x's and y's intersect.
"
"if the integer's seventeen, then
you'll take away fourteen, but when
it's a zero or three,
make it seventeen. see?
and that's it. start all over again.
"
"""see my foot? note the way that i stagger,""
mr. obelus said. ""tried to shag 'er,
but she's quick with a knife.
ever run for your life
from a fight with a lass with a ??
"
"i'm afraid of a cancer's detection;
and seeing a mirror's reflection;
to sit on my booty;
and feminine beauty;
and everyone's laughing rejection.
"
"when i'm speaking of basso-relievo,
i swear no intent to deceive-o;
i mean you no grief
when i say bas-relief
means the same thing in french. please believe-o.
"
"please forgive; i don't wish to provoke,
but the art that you've brought me's a joke.
these paintings i'm seein'
are old european.
can you fix them for me? they're baroque.
"
"pretty eyes and plush fur that was wavy:
these things both described my dear cavy.
so cute and petite,
she was guinea pig sweet?
and her meat made a wonderful gravy!
"
"he arose, and then hissed, ""i'll combat
my aversion to felines!"", then sat.
this aelurophobe meeting,
like most, is for treating
those pussies afraid of a cat.
"
"short engagements will oftentimes force
heedless couples straight into divorce.
(that's the action they file
when they've rushed down the aisle,
and they're burdened with buyer's remorse.)
"
"when you poured me that port from your cask,
i had begged, ""take it slow with the task.""
but you didn't; i see
lots of beeswing debris
in my glass. was that too much to ask?
"
"a marine is a soldier who'll fight
on the land or the sea, day or night.
but an aquamarine
is a stone or what's seen
when you hold the same stone to the light.
"
"turn the clock back, some 9,000 years.
first one glacier just disappears,
then the trees start to grow
where there used to be snow;
it's the boreal time, give three cheers!
"
"harry beck was a man with a plan
to explain where the underground ran.
on his paper he drew
lines of red, green and blue;
of his map there's now many a fan.
"
"clarence birdseye had only one wish?
to serve up fine food in a dish.
how to keep the food nice?
why, just freeze in a trice.
now we're eating his peas and his fish.
"
"the young athlete was first off the block
but the runner was in for a shock.
though she ran the race fast,
all the records will last ...
for no one had started the clock.
"
"do you want to build chips for a job?
(that's the ones in computers, you nob,
not with fish.) then take care:
you must filter all air;
any dust and you'll bust, then you'll sob.
"
"a bright i.t. auditor, jill,
found auditing ledgers no thrill.
so she left, bought a farm;
now she's happy and calm
with her husband, named jack, by a hill.
"
"john alden, while helping his pal
miles standish, said, ""truly i shall
pass on what you say.""
but the lass first said ""nay.""
it was john in the end got the gal!
"
"from its head, where it starts wild and free,
the river flows down to the sea
in its channel or bed
where it goes, or is led.
that's an alveus, don't you agree?
"
"when cars first came out in great force
their power was compared to a horse.
well, for accuracy's sake
they would then use a brake
and just measure the heat from this source.
"
"if the paper you're printing's not pages
but runs on for ages and ages
(that's continuous feed),
then there's something you need:
with a burster each page comes in stages.
"
"lumbar vertebrae now have a kink
so i'm seeking some help 'fore i sink
'neath the pain. will the bend
in my back never mend,
or be cured in a blink, do you think?
"
"in the night there's a bright catachresis ?
the sound of the light thrills my nieces.
now the dead hand of fate
watches those who debate
and the fire freezes ducklets and geeses.
"
"at the end of the range may be found
a butt (that's a lump or a mound).
here the target you spy;
watch your swift arrows fly
and just hope for the bull's-eye they're bound.
"
"from the right kind of space, take two vectors'
inner product and mod (brook no hectors).
now you'll find that this form's
less or equals their norms
multiplied ? cauchy-schwarz for collectors.
"
"cat5 is the cable to use
if to link up some pcs you choose.
wireless networking's nice
but it comes at a price,
and security's bound to confuse.
"
"if you programme computers, you'll find
that conditions are often combined;
if you see your direction's
to multi-selections,
the case statement comes to your mind.
"
"this short word i am able to say.
preservation of food is one way
it is used, but one more
is this useful word's score:
it's the premature end of a play.
"
"ancient words are the fare of my care
and i've one that i'm longing to share.
it means ""gravelly beach""
or ""a sandbank"". what peach
of a word have i heard? why, it's air.
"
"the shoplifter cast a quick glance ?
he's a habit he has to finance ?
but a cctv
means he soon won't be free:
he's walking to jail in a trance.
"
"as a bird, at the start of your life,
there's a gland that will keep you from strife,
though it lasts, so i hear,
for at most half a year,
'less you're cut by a surgical knife.
"
"if you're aussie or kiwi and fall,
and this fall is quite heavy, you call
it a buster or burster.
for treatment? why, first a
quick trip to your doc should heal all.
"
"at home, he brews beer in his carboy
then serves it; he's such a good bar boy.
it may seem bizarre
but he's russian ? a tsar ?
and he strums a guitar! he's a star boy!
"
"i'm your king, you must do as i say.
if you don't, with your life you shall pay!
by cause of my station,
my mere assignation
(my words) you are forced to obey.
"
"i don't know if you're human or not.
are you real or a programming bot?
if you'll just take my captcha
i'll soon be in rapture ?
dear human, please say if you're hot!
"
"a programming method i choose
for code that is common: reuse.
i write subroutines when
i will call them again;
if well structured, they should not confuse.
"
"the channel islands you'll see at a glance
on your map, just off normandy, france.
there's jersey and sark
amongst others. embark
on a trip there, if given the chance.
"
"chronophotography (snaps
made at regular intervals) maps,
using images (still)
of a hit or a spill,
the fine changes in time that it traps.
"
"""moody carla, my lover, is vain.""
that's a phrase i had better explain?
there's a chronogram there,
so please study with care.
want the year of my birth? use your brain!
"
"a bursectomy: not what you'd do
if research on live birds you eschew.
the bird's bursa (small sack)
of fabricius (health pack)
is destroyed ? then research will ensue.
"
"if they're growing up close, i've a hunch
that a cluster of things is a bunch?
like grapes on the vine
'til they're turned into wine
to be served with fine food for my lunch.
"
"you can walk to the top of this tower?
if you're quick it may take half an hour!
in the car of the lift
your ascent will be swift;
just one minute if run at full power.
"
"it's a box on four wheels, at its heart,
though its power and looks play a part;
in my car i can go
along routes i don't know
as i look at the gps chart.
"
"they are shiny, and silver or gold;
'neath their surface a secret they hold.
laser light (that could blind)
in the player is shined
on the discs; hear their music unfold.
"
"it's an obsolete meaning of car;
it's from scotland or canada ? far
from the place where i stay.
and it means? why, a sleigh
or a sledge! shall we head for the bar?
"
"at the side of your boat, where it's dank,
you can see that there's many a plank
that should meet end-to-end
and butt up to a friend.
to repair, get a loan from your bank.
"
"at the airport i wore a sad face;
of my luggage i'd seen not a trace.
then the black carousel
straight to me did propel,
with a shudder, my allative case.
"
"the mission had not been much fun;
there were problems for everyone?
but the task's now complete,
and we've heard from the fleet:
""bravo zulu, guys. job's been well done.""
"
"""it's the hospital here, please come fast!""
there we sat, with our thoughts from the past.
at the side of her bed
nothing more could be said.
one short breath ... then one more ... then her last.
"
"arm candy's not something you'd eat,
though for sure she's a sight that's quite sweet.
with this girl on your arm
you will charm with no qualm,
and your night on the town is complete.
"
"let me write a short ditty to ada,
not the famous computing crusader,
but the language. soon this'll
be guiding a missile ?
would such use of her name have dismayed her?
"
"a cly was a pocket or money
(maybe saved for a gift to your honey);
to cly meant to steal,
like a pickpocket. we'll
find this word's use today strange and funny.
"
"when i step on the clutch in my car,
i can change from one gear, with no jar,
to another at need
to adjust to my speed
as i travel both near and afar.
"
"the clutch ain't particularly smart:
it allows the transmission to part,
though the speed of the motor
won't change one iota?
disconnection's the art at its heart.
"
"it's unlikely, i know; there are flaws,
but my plan's to win lottery draws.
i'll invest more each week
as my fortune i seek?
you may say i'm just clutching at straws.
"
"my sweetie and i were in bed.
i had just got aroused when she said,
""if you love me, refrain.
for, myself, i remain
anti-climax until we are wed.""
"
"while travelling in england, jane tried a
large glass of a local-made cider.
she became discontented ?
the drink was fermented ?
and alcohol vented outside her.
"
"extortion of money by blackmail
is harder when companies track mail.
your chantage, well planned,
will fill your demand
to get lots of cash-in-a-sack mail.
"
"the banks of the river have burst;
many thousands of homes are submersed.
though there's rain from the sky,
many taps have run dry?
in the midst of a flood there is thirst.
"
"if on bacon you wish you could dine
and you crave crispy taste, oh so fine,
then don't hurry away
to a so-smart caf??
fry today: it's for pork that you pine.
"
"a white line, with a bend, in the sky
marks a course-change of planes flying by.
there are echoes: ""turn right,
... two five five ..."" ah, the sight
of a contrail, to me, brings a sigh.
"
"a sly cly-faker lifted my locket,
but i felt his hand brush past my pocket.
i shouted, ""stop, thief!""
then the crowd caused him grief,
and they caught him before he could hock it.
"
"there she sat with her clutch on her lap
(it's a purse with no handle or strap).
now just what she could fit
into such a small bit
was a poser, at least to this chap.
"
"computer-based training can give
you the chance to learn stuff where you live,
or at work. load the course,
it's your teaching resource.
for those nuggets of knowledge, you sieve.
"
"in the states, there are ciders you meet
that are labeled as hard or as sweet.
the hard one's fermented,
so drink it, contented;
the sweet one's just pressed, no deceit.
"
"then came 3gls ? coding's mature;
no more need for a format obscure.
""write in english"", they say,
""program cobol today.""
well it's not like my english, i'm sure!
"
"at the end it is 5gl's place
to wipe that last smile from your face,
for with ai we'll cede
our last programming need
to computers and drift into space.
"
"we are british, so please have no fear.
we have standards, precise and quite clear.
with the swift attribution
of our institution,
perfection, and kitemark, are near.
"
"meteorology gives us this gift;
just two letters, a sure sign of thrift.
you can write down bs,
longer words to express:
blowing snow ? are you getting my drift?
"
"and then 4gl gives you more jets,
for you work with collections and sets.
new reports every day:
with statistics you play,
as you trawl through your data with nets.
"
"there's a new kid in town, named cat6;
data cabling now comes with new tricks.
ten times faster, it's true,
it can route your power too.
old cat5? why, that's just for the hicks!
"
"there are some for whom this is a joke,
while some others may splutter and choke.
this monster, spaghetti,
(it flies!) is no yeti ?
is religion all mirrors and smoke?
"
"he's a consummate, sly politician;
if you argue, to win's his ambition.
with a face like a gerbil,
he's an acrobat, verbal,
and he'll rapidly change his position.
"
"should i go to the left or the right?
though i searched, not a sign was in sight.
at this cardo i found
that my future, unbound,
was a pathway to goodness and light.
"
"got a car, big and safe, four-by-four;
drive your kids to their school, door-to-door.
global warming's no factor
for your chelsea tractor?
you take and consume, more and more.
"
"write a pdf document ? you'll
know the way it displays will look cool.
with the acrobat reader
you know you'll not need a
changed font with this publishing tool.
"
"air pressure is often wind's source,
causing breezes or gales of great force
where high pressure meets low
(with a circular flow);
not a thing we do alters its course.
"
"my feline and i loved to fly
in my plane; we'd go high in the sky.
then one day we found cat,
clear-air turbulence ? that
brought us down with a thump and a cry.
"
"from amaze comes a shock (not of hair),
but from hair comes a lock (brown or fair).
now this lock needs a key;
music scales next we see.
we amuse with this maze. oh what flair!
"
"here's a cask (or a barrel); it's round,
and it's chock full of herrings ? a mound!
it was used, once, for trade
and they called it a cade,
though today by that name it's not found.
"
"all those eggs in the nest (please don't touch)
or the chicks, as they grow, are a clutch.
are those chickens i see
by the sycamore tree?
are they happy and free? not as such.
"
"i shake as i climb up the stairs.
then my knees knock, but nobody cares.
fear of going to bed
is the 'pain' in my head ?
clinophobia's my fear, not theirs.
"
"i am sorrowful, anxious and grievous
at the news that you're going to leave us.
yes, i'm chary to hear
you're departing, my dear.
i just hope in your memory you'll weave us.
"
"monocular vision (one eye)
is the best that a cyclops can try.
but for depth and perspective
it's far more effective
with two; that's bv, by the by.
"
"""it is something i just can't conceive,
that i'm having a child."" ""i believe,""
i replied, ""that the facts
are the proof; your past acts
risked conception. you must be naive!""
"
"the cacophonous people from stroud
are not only unspeakably loud
but discordant as well,
like a badly tuned bell,
yet of this they are terribly proud.
"
"do you not understand what i said?
can i not get it into your head?
would amplification
help this situation?
or should i speak louder instead?
"
"happy birthday, you're 18 at last.
you're an adult; your childhood has passed.
but inside, still, the child
that was born free and wild
needs to guard you from ageing too fast.
"
"we'll find him, by hook or by crook!
there's a footprint ? and look, his first book!
hark, the sound of his voice
gives us cause to rejoice ...
there he is! david attenborough! look!
"
"it's a bit of a cheat, i confess,
to say b-t-d-t-g-t-s
is a word! but i'm sure
that you've been there before
and done that, got the shirt too, i guess.
"
"here is cobol, a language sublime,
almost 50 years old at this time.
once, its over-long screeds
served our processing needs,
though today it is well past its prime.
"
"came assembler or 2gl next:
now your code can be entered as text?
though it may look like greek
if you're not a sleek geek,
and an error will still leave you vexed.
"
"as it roared through the gathering gloom,
those who watched felt a deep sense of doom.
from its sound, you'll agree,
that 1,000 cc
means a bike that's designed to go vroom.
"
"when gases explode with ferocity,
the result may be quite a monstrosity.
there's research, so we read,
that can tell us the speed
of the wave front ? the cj velocity.
"
"hunting eagle ? a swoop and a swish ?
hit the water with splash and with splish.
then great wings beat the air
as it rose to its lair,
tightly clutched in its claws, a fine fish.
"
"i had slipped down a slope, grasped a tree?
just my clutch gave me hope i'd stay free
from the drop down below.
would my rescuer show
me his skill with a rope? no, just tea!
"
"a clutch is a coat that flaps free;
no fasteners on it you'll see.
keep it closed with your hand
or your arm as you stand
on the strand, or the isle of capri.
"
"he's a dolt; he's a bit of a block
with less wit than the average rock.
want to test his iq?
not so easy to do?
he reads nothing, not even a clock.
"
"a fine textile fibre, they say,
and a fabric (of flax) in its day.
now its usage has ceased,
for this meaning at least;
the word byssus is not used this way.
"
"a colombophile, what could that be?
love that tv detective? not me!
my liking of pigeon
is more than a smidgeon.
just look in my loft, and you'll see.
"
"english grammar ... oh no, don't look bored;
this is something that can't be ignored.
number, gender and case
must be kept in their place
or you've egg on your face as reward.
"
"in the court folks were forced to agree
that the land now belonged just to me.
the deforciant? fined!
and the concord's now signed
so my use of that land's trouble free.
"
"the translation i got from my test
was ""invisible idiot"". guessed
the source you might find?
""out of sight, out of mind""!
automation leaves meaning compressed.
"
"you sample and bottle and sell
many wines, and you do very well
at the trade. you're a cooper;
your prospects are super
but gout soon will make your life hell.
"
"cine-camera, moving unbound,
made such noise that the subject was drowned.
the solution was found:
put a blimp all around;
with this cover you'll hear not a sound.
"
"a meal? no, it's more like a feast!
there are twenty four platters, at least.
it's an ambigu. why?
comes the whole food supply
in the blink of an eye (word's deceased).
"
"columbia, nasa space shuttle,
encountered a problem quite subtle.
when foam struck its wing,
thermal tiles took a ding;
it contrived all our high hopes to scuttle.
"
"it's a small heap of something that's soft
like manure ? from this coop there may waft
smells to wrinkle your nose,
though it's sure to please those
who maintain their repose on a croft.
"
"a coop is a cage or a pen
that's the home for your beady-eyed hen.
round the yard she may stray
by the light of the day
but at night you must pen her again.
"
"when she says, ""i love not where i live,""
there is more than one sense you can give.
does she mean she is sad
when at home, or quite glad
with another? that's ambigu-sive.
"
"would you give me some time, if i ask it?
here's a word that's long passed (i won't mask it):
but please pause, be its friend;
to its usage attend,
for a coop, i contend, was a basket.
"
"fly the coop, that's the phrase we have here.
and it means? why, to just disappear,
to depart with great speed
(though i'm sure there's no need),
rush away with your bags and your gear.
"
"on the golf course, my shot was a klunker;
missed the fairway, went straight to a bunker.
now this sand-trap is deep,
and the sides are too steep
to descend. get a rope and spelunker!
"
"coptic calendar: 13-month year.
ethiopian celebrants cheer
on the twelfth of september
for they all remember
that a brand new millennium's here.
"
"if some notes played together sound good,
or some objects are placed where they should
be to cause you to feel
that their harmony's real,
then a concord is well understood.
"
"this cooper is not what you think
for what i'll describe is a drink.
don't offer plain water;
mix stout and good porter
so coopers will tip you the wink.
"
"""we the people"" it starts: constitution
of the us of a ? no confucian
pithy sayings in here
just the rules, set out clear;
now for freedom we fear diminution.
"
"old meanings of words are my wishes:
here's a wickerwork basket for fishes,
to slyly entrap them ?
a coop. cook and wrap them
to serve on our fine silver dishes.
"
"when mummy lay down for a nap
her bed sheet turned into a trap.
was her problem resolved?
no, she lay circumvolved:
wrapped in sheet, head to feet, with no gap.
"
"play some notes in a concord, it's neat!
their vibration's a sound that's complete.
nothing else do you need;
just one chord can succeed
to spread smoothness like mead, oh so sweet.
"
"rotor blades overhead, out of sight,
as they spin, give your 'copter its flight.
one control (the collective),
when raised, is effective
in causing your flight to gain height.
"
"to pour out or to draw me a drink;
to supply me or ply me, i think;
to carouse and to sup,
drink and pass on the cup;
once to birle was their lexical link.
"
"massive thunderstorm rumbling around?
skies that crack with an ominous sound.
first a flash, just cc,
then one more (struck a tree)
as the lightning broke free cloud-to-ground.
"
"this is death and destruction with class?
fire one shell, drop one bomb, please the brass.
from one cluster bomb fell
many bomblets ? what hell
where they land ... mourn with fake gravitas.
"
"a cowp or a coup (or a coop)
is not something about which you'd whoop.
it's a wagon or cart
with closed sides, used in part
for transporting malodorous gloop.
"
"in particle physics the quark
is determined to show us her mark.
but she's no dominatrix ?
the ckm matrix
shows flavours that get her to spark.
"
"his life is now broken. the pain
and indignity drove him insane.
this drug is a bitch ?
casts a spell to bewitch,
then it's too late to switch: crack cocaine.
"
"they're droplets, suspended in air,
or crystals of ice (when set fair);
i think clouds are such fun ?
though they block out the sun,
and for some they bring rain and despair.
"
"it's a place of confinement that's narrow;
there's barely the space for a sparrow:
this coop is a cell
in a prison as well ?
claustrophobics will chill to the marrow.
"
"this basket for bottles is fine
to convey to your table fine wine.
i'm so happy to sip with you;
share a wise quip with you;
drink as we dine. how divine!
"
"in logic, a connotative term
has more than one sense, i affirm;
so white, as a shaper,
describes sheets of paper,
but whiteness lies there at its germ.
"
"'long the rocks is a slick slice of ice,
and the snow on the ridge looks so nice.
should we climb to its moreness
or is there a cornice?
an overhang's danger ? think twice.
"
"coldfusion: a framework to choose
when you're down with the internet blues.
applications, you'll find,
will be less of a bind;
quick to write, and it's easy to use.
"
"randolph caldecott, chester-born man,
broke away from his dad's banking plan.
went to london instead ?
studied art, was well read ?
and his future in pictures began.
"
"there's a bird i have heard on a wall
that is making a harsh note or call.
yes, its chack shows a lack
of a musical knack;
why, its chacking has no tune at all!
"
"there's a wheeze of a scheme that i'm hatching:
combination (portfolio) matching.
with investments, correct,
a return i select
and a guaranteed income i'm catching.
"
"in australia, my buxom young hilda
changed her name to a symbol that filled her
with a squiggle-like tao?
when i dance with her now
i am proud to be waltzing my tilde.
"
"take this apple you're going to bake;
first a hole through its middle you make?
you remove all the core,
then the outside you score
to ensure in the skin there's a break.
"
"time to celebrate, be of good cheer;
turns the moon and it's chinese new year.
see the lanterns, so sweet;
let's go out on the street?
dancing dragons and lions appear.
"
"our cruel lord gained a hoard from this land
with a tax on all backs, slyly planned.
but alliances slip ?
he must now take a trip
to the king, capitation in hand.
"
"with cascading style sheets the sight
of your web site can be a delight.
a small change in one place
will be seen on the face
of all pages ? make sure it's done right!
"
"afloat in our boat (a canoe)
you wobble and look rather blue.
the problem, you pig,
is your head is too big;
your cap size capsizes me too.
"
"a yokel from devon (devonian)
ignored facts unwelcome: struthonian.
but robert bruce cotton
will not be forgotten.
the name of his library: cottonian.
"
"once a reader lost books from his shelves.
to find where they've gone, deep he delves.
an answer there came:
book crossing. their aim?
to wander the world, by themselves.
"
"missile silo ? commander jim phelps
checked the lining's construction: steel skelps.
sound the siren, he'd hunker
in his concrete-lined bunker.
when the whole world seems mad it sure helps.
"
"once a place covered over with grass,
a field that was open ? alas,
now this unenclosed pasture
has disappeared fast. your
fine 'progress' such bent doth surpass.
"
"an agreement 'twixt people or nations
to harmonise all their relations
is a concord. a treaty
is somewhat more meaty.
(fine words mark these concord creations.)
"
"an airborne suspension of smoke
or dust, that could cause you to choke:
it's a toxic black cloud;
wraps the sun in a shroud ?
air pollution is far from a joke.
"
"there's a ribbon of red 'long the road.
all three lanes are delayed 'cos a load
from a lorry has crashed,
several cars have been smashed;
by this accident all now are slowed.
"
"my nervousness i couldn't hide.
written english ? the cover i eyed.
i was clutched up with fear
now the start time was near.
would my work all this year bring me pride?
"
"it's the ""driving's becoming a fight"" point;
it's the ""practice for days to get right"" point;
there's a movement, so slight;
then you find, with delight,
that the clutch is now right on the bite point.
"
"a chack, so my reference books say,
is a wheatear ... but oh, my dismay
when i find a repeat:
it can be ""ear of wheat""
or a bird that goes tweet all the day.
"
"you're hungry, of food you've a lack.
now is time for a light meal or snack?
yes, a chack's what you need
so sit down, have a feed
and your fast with great speed now we'll crack.
"
"to snap with your teeth, or to chatter,
is to chack. one more meaning i'll scatter:
quickly shutting a door
or a window, or drawer?
that is chacking once more ? what a clatter!
"
"you click on a button and find
that you've come to a web page designed
by a colour-blind smurf
who's asleep on some turf,
and the sight of it's turning you blind!
"
"the blight of automatization
has spread to the ends of the nation.
it is really a curse;
day by day it gets worse
as we head for dehumanization.
"
"this measure of liquid, in short,
is about two brit pints, or a quart;
with a chopin to drink
you'll forget how to think?
lots of port, i report, little thought!
"
"the prayer to our lord: paternoster.
the plan of your work: that's a roster.
the vein in the wing
of a small flying thing
that looks rib-like: why, zing! that's a costa.
"
"when you're taking square roots, it's a pain
if your numbers turn negative. gain
an advantage quite sly
by imagining i:
mathematical legerdemain.
"
"the clergy and clerical men
can be said to be clerkly ? but then
if your handwriting's neat
and your copies complete
you are said to be clerkly again.
"
"an assortment it is, on reflection,
or even a varied collection:
this compendium brings
you a number of things
for inspection ? or maybe rejection.
"
"the coolness i feel in this room
is something i've come to assume;
so when aircons break down,
excess heat makes me frown
as computers are apt to go boom!
"
"the chevage we give to our lord
is more than the poor can afford.
capitation (his plan)
must be paid by each man,
and our lord keeps this hoard safely stored.
"
"a collection of clerks, you will find,
is a clerkage, and, if you're inclined,
you can use this same word
for the work that the herd
of these office-bounds do as their grind.
"
"combat ceiling: the height where your plane
only climbs at a rate that's a pain.
if the dazzling bright sun
hides an enemy's gun
then the facts appear plain: you'll be slain.
"
"there are envelopes; paper's there too?
just the thing when a letter is due.
this compendium might
help to bring some delight
to a friend with some kind words from you.
"
"the lion walked up late: leo tard,
so his way to the nightclub was barred
by two bouncers in fat suits
who thought men in cat suits
should stay, sans regard, in the yard.
"
"in old russia (the ussr),
if your journey was planned to go far,
you would launch into space
from a cosmodrome?place
where a tsar could have aimed for a star.
"
"a cab or a kab may be found
where biblical measures abound.
not a small coffee mug,
more a two-litre jug
is the volume a cab could surround.
"
"in logic, an absolute term
has just the one sense, i affirm;
so whiteness is bright;
it's the essence of white.
no more sense in its meaning can worm.
"
"far away from the big city's lights,
in the dark, there's a sight that excites;
when it's cloudless and clear
even faint stars appear?
a whole panoply lights up the nights.
"
"want to split a whole body in half?
here's a medical term (not some laugh):
it's the coronal plane?
just your front may remain!
i should draw you a picture or graph.
"
"in mythology, death has his dates
for collection of you and your mates.
all your life, 'til you're dead,
you just follow the thread?
that's the clew, spun for you by the fates.
"
"you can say ""it is good"" many ways:
to collaud is to join in with praise;
to applaud your creation;
to give collaudation?
both words, now unused, fit the phrase.
"
"the colonel's a military man;
ran his regiment best as one can.
but he botched his career
when he said, ""brigadier,
i'll outrank you some day ? that's my plan.""
"
"your pavement has got me constrained,
but my nature is deeply ingrained.
cracking surface you'll see
as my roots struggle free.
i am tree! i will not be contained!
"
"want some rest on a boat? what to do?
why, just rig up a hammock or two.
name the series of cords
you attach to the boards
to suspend them ? i'll give you a clew.
"
"compartmentalization: admire
its use in protection from fire.
partitions can keep
you safe while you sleep
and defend you from consequence dire.
"
"cold fusion's the new holy grail:
cheap energy, always on sale,
from an atom's odd quirk ?
but to get it to work,
for the moment, seems destined to fail.
"
"compartmentalization in cells
means those keep-to-themselves organelles
can do their own thing
without proteins that cling ?
mixing up with the 'low life' it quells.
"
"many countries in europe today
keep the hours of their clocks set one way.
in the winter, you see,
they all use cet;
when it's warm, cest holds sway.
"
"i'm no invalid! why do you treat
me as one? let me up from this seat!
i'm wrapped up, all aglow.
must you coddle me so?
won't you please let me use my own feet!
"
"electron backscatter diffraction
employs hidden crystalline action.
also called bkd
(from kikuchi, seishi),
it allows inner-structure's extraction.
"
"british waterways looks after locks;
they care for canals (and some docks).
they dredge and they build?
their work's very skilled?
keeping passing boats off the rough rocks.
"
"to stimuli, i've been subjected;
my responses you've noted, selected.
behaviourism ? hey,
it's the only true way.
other methods should not be respected.
"
"want to fly, really cheap, through the sky?
then the airline to try's bmi.
for the cheapest fares, maybe,
it's bmi baby.
pack a lunch, or more charges apply.
"
"once these marked seven deaths in the sky?
flaming contrails caused many to cry.
thermal tiles had a fault
and we learnt, with a jolt,
of the dangers of space .... sad goodbye.
"
"you can celebrate mass in a church;
you can celebrate catching a perch;
you can celebrate christmas,
'neath mistletoe kiss-mas;
you can celebrate modern research.
"
"analgesic (it helps relieve pain)
and an opiate (poppies bring gain),
you'll find codeine brings cheer
when you've got diarrhoea,
though from whisky and beer please abstain.
"
"you are chary to me, i confess;
you are cherished and cared for. i bless
the first day that we met,
and my joy blossoms yet
to a love that's too great to express.
"
"a male lobster or crab has this name;
a male salmon is called just the same.
you may think it's absurd,
but the word's like a bird,
for it's cock that's the name i proclaim.
"
"a spout that is tapered, you know;
a valve for controlling the flow;
a tap you can turn
at the base of your urn?
yes, your cock makes the flow stop and go.
"
"beryl cook taught herself how to paint;
captured ladies who showed no restraint.
gave us humour and glee
from a life that's lived free.
she was home by the sea ... now she ain't.
"
"a crusade once in spain was a levy
that was raised so the moors they could chevy,
but as time passed they found
there was far safer ground
if the levy was spent on a bevvy.
"
"the pope wrote a note, then he prayed
for success in their plan to invade.
though not used any more,
this one meaning's quite sure:
both the note and the war ... a crusade.
"
"a gland in your hair root: a follicle.
a devilish deed: diabolical.
a pain in your gut
that is hard to rebut?
why that's colic, or formerly colical.
"
"the church says we must take a stand
so a mighty campaign has been planned.
does our righteous crusade
have the muslims dismayed?
will we win holy land, or just sand?
"
"the crusader who came from the west
was a christian, a man on a quest,
one whose badge of campaign
was once known by the name
of crusade, for the cross on his chest.
"
"in france, at the start of the day,
eat a croissant with caf? au lait.
in america too
it's a thing you can do?
but a crescent is what some will say.
"
"an apician repast was on view:
food and drink from the kitchen fair flew.
dishes complex and rare?
epicurean fare.
and the crown? lightly spiced dodo stew.
"
"compartmentalization of science
makes it harder to forge an alliance.
there are secrets you keep
where your knowledge is deep
and your masters demand your compliance.
"
"where a secret needs keeping to few
there is something constructive to do:
compartmentalization,
the manifestation
of 'need to know' culture ? review.
"
"the bensonian company pledges
we'll be sitting upon our seats' edges,
through shakespearian plays
that they've practised for days ?
""if the weather stays fine,"" their star hedges.
"
"with relaxed and cool quality, jazz,
like a wine that is fine (a shiraz
or merlot), must be savoured
at night ? semi-quavered
delight in the coolness it has.
"
"there's warmness or warmth when you're hot;
there's coolness or coolth when you're not.
we should all take delight
when the temperature's right ?
and treasure the good things we've got!
"
"a chewet, i say with no lie,
is defined as a meat kind of pie
and also a natterer,
jackdaw and chatterer.
such mixture of meanings seems wry.
"
"off to walk round the world? what a do!
and have everyone asking, ""you're who?""
that's no trivial task
for a man in a mask;
harry bensley, we celebrate you.
"
"cff means on films what you see
looks continuous ? movement that's free
from frame jerks. analytical
thought shows the critical
fusion frequency fools us ? the key.
"
"convective: it moves through the air;
available: something that's there;
potential: the storm
is still nascent in form;
then the energy kicks in. beware!
"
"at our club's agm: resolution
to increase what we pay (contribution)
for the hall where we meet.
now a vote must complete?
they're the rules; that's our club's constitution.
"
"these chemical compounds are things
consisting of two linking rings.
bicyclic's the word
for this molecule herd
held together with chemical strings.
"
"on your shield this curved shape marks you out;
you're the second-born son, so you pout.
silver crescent looks fine,
but you're waiting in line:
your inheritance? dearth or a drought!
"
"as a cqs you are the best;
cisco qualified, you've passed the test.
you're the specialist here
on their networking gear
and you think we should all be impressed.
"
"the police cracking crime day by day
gather evidence, brook no delay.
will the case that they've wrought
be the basis for court?
here the cps lawyers hold sway.
"
"each flagellum requires one of these,
as a cilium does, if you please.
every small organelle
for propelling a cell
needs an axoneme making a breeze.
"
"it's a round bunch or cluster, dear class;
it's a globular body, or mass
that is rounded. did you
know these meanings of clew?
you must study your books to surpass!
"
"a claymore (the mine) creates gore
with its charge of explosive c-4
driving hundreds of balls
made of steel. it appals
me to think of the death at its core.
"
"an australian brewery's fault
that your love life's in need of a jolt?
no, the answer is plain:
at cockfosters the train
has to come to a terminal halt.
"
"your neurons have axons: you think.
these axons keep brain cells in sync.
a membrane surrounds them
(axolemma); this bounds them,
allowing your axons to link.
"
"the clerisy: one social class
whose members most surely surpass
many others; they're learn?d,
their books are well turn?d
and their gardens have lawns of fine grass.
"
"flock of sheep in a field ? what a sight;
and they bring me a cause of delight.
see, their fleeces are black,
save for one by the track:
here the 'black sheep' is one that is white!
"
"slender pillar, quite close to a wall?
but supporting that wall not at all?
stands the corse. at its head
there's a figure, long dead;
who she was is a muse to enthral.
"
"once a corse was on fine fabric found;
just a ribbon or band wrapped around
'neath a girdle or garter
that made you look smarter?
it served as a plain coloured ground.
"
"air corridors mark where to fly
(so those coming and going pass by)
and assign to your flight
a particular height;
they're the motorways high in the sky.
"
"a kingdom is ruled by a king
(it's kind of an obvious thing),
but a clerkdom is ruled
by the management ? schooled
to obey, clerks are puppets on string.
"
"what i've got now is clinical depression?
i was told by my psych (my last session)
that my mood is too low
and my interests no-show.
me, i know it's my english discretion!
"
"in london, the gate to the east,
once called ale-gate, was free for each beast.
now that aldgate's its name,
and congestion's the game,
pay to enter: there's palms to be greased.
"
"you have written a lengthy report;
the compendium states it in short.
you develop, in brief,
the main points for your chief,
and then hope you have caught his support.
"
"stuck at home getting bored, what a day!
what you need is a fun game to play.
this compendium (box
full of games) really rocks?
no more grey. quick, let's play sans delay.
"
"""a saving of labour or space""
is a meaning i've not had to face.
though compendium's heard,
such a use of the word
won't occur in a modern-day place.
"
"late night motorway, driving through rain;
spots of light help me stay in my lane.
yellow, white, red and green
are the colours i've seen
in the cat's eyes that mark this domain.
"
"criticality sealed their sad fate
when control room technicians were late.
in chernobyl's reactor
a low safety factor
caused the worst nuke disaster to date.
"
"you can sit warm and snug on your stool
though the weather is bitter and cruel.
when the winter winds blow
'cross the steppes, bringing snow,
you use argal, dried dung, as a fuel.
"
"to an order, religious, there came
a woman (a member); the name
that was used to denote
what she was ? now remote
from our era ? is clergess, i claim.
"
"oh praise to the great rattan palm!
its body makes chairs that bring balm.
though it's more like a creeper
than palm, it climbs steeper;
this calamus offers us calm.
"
"to cock (or to coak or to cog)
is no action performed by a dog.
it's a way to fix wood
with a joint, firm and good,
even pieces the size of a log.
"
"want to start a crusade in the east?
have a war that's approved by a priest?
the response will be bad,
crescentade or jihad;
holy war will make many deceased.
"
"administratium: element found
in the air, on the ground, all around!
it's inert but you know
when reactions go slow
that there's some of it there, i'll be bound.
"
"it's the same, be it smaller or bigger;
and its meaning is clear, so don't snigger.
it's the setting that's done
when you ready your gun;
it's the cock that's released by the trigger.
"
"a balance, for measuring weight,
must be read when its motion's not great.
back and forth it will rock
'til its pointer, the cock,
stops its swing (like a clock) and hangs straight.
"
"while sitting one day at my desk ...
what a view! women, two ... statuesque,
of great beauty the source.
the one rode a horse,
the other one just rodinesque.
"
"because evil and squalor remain,
we're running an active campaign;
so come join our crusade
for free lemonade?
the curse of strong drink is a bane.
"
"this meaning is easily stated:
an assemblage of buildings, related.
a complex, you'll find,
is not one of a kind,
but from several parts it is mated.
"
"said philandering philip, ""the curse
of bonking aback of my hearse
is the need to find rhymes
at most intimate times.""
yes, the lad liked his vice in strict verse.
"
"there's a satellite causing concern ?
it's now destined to make a return
to the ground. should it turn up
before it can burn up,
then spies all its secrets may learn.
"
"highly civilised, small and bright pink;
mouse-shaped persons, long-nosed ? they can think.
clangers talk with a whistle,
but i'm quite sure that this'll
not stop them from getting a drink ...
"
"your body is pressed close to mine;
last night's curry's no perfume divine.
with my hair in your face
all i want is more space
commuting this underground line.
"
"your body is pressed next to mine,
and your hair in my face smells divine.
though we're strangers, we two,
i feel so close to you
commuting this underground line.
"
"our bodies are pressed close together;
heavy cloth and a thin coat of leather
keep us slightly apart
as our work day we start
with commuting in cold, wintry weather.
"
"our bodies are pressed close together;
airless train, at the end of our tether.
just like cattle we're penned
as our work day we end
with commuting in hot, sultry weather.
"
"there's no trauma that's hard to accept
for the linguist who's language-adept,
since in truth it's not hard
to define a bee yard:
it's a place in which beehives are kept.
"
"used once in a short exclamation,
it's a cry to relieve your frustration.
""cock's bodkins!"" you shout
as you let your stress out,
though the use of such words brings damnation.
"
"list activity stages to do;
list the time that each task will accrue;
overcome lazy tendencies:
note all dependencies?
tasks, in their places, you view.
"
"how i crave for a cave or a crack?
i yearn for the shelter i lack.
find a hole and i'll hide
from that great big outside;
help me crack my sad lack of a shack.
"
"when america went to invade,
the president said: ""a crusade"",
but such word choice was bad.
for the arabs, jihad
was the ready response to be made.
"
"a sundial is fun as a clock
(if no cloud is a shroud or a block)
when attention is paid
to the shadow that's made
by its pointer, a gnomon or cock.
"
"with the crime figures starting to climb
and the value of life but a dime,
we must hunt for a way
that will block the blade's sway ?
slash the number of knives used in crime.
"
"a command line is something you type
to control your computer ? the hype
is it lets you do tasks,
like selection with masks,
and concatenate steps with a pipe.
"
"it's a logic construction of mind
that should benefit all of mankind;
to control a computer,
no words could be cuter:
this language has been well defined.
"
"a chemical molecule found
where an ion of metal is bound
to a ligand or two
(or maybe a few)
is a complex ? please pass this around.
"
"once these fields, from their fronts to their backs,
were all scattered with conical stacks
of freshly cut hay
known as cocks, but today
we see agri-mechanical packs.
"
"this fine word's lack of use i'll avenge?
does it come from the time of stonehenge?
obsolete, so some say;
you should use it today?
in your writing, please sprinkle besprenge.
"
"there were days once when speed would be reckoned
by the characters copied per second
to a printer or screen?
that's the cps seen
long ago ... then today's future beckoned.
"
"though seth wrote a verse (you may view it)
on the plant that is known as the bluet,
he failed to reveal
that the cornflower's appeal,
with its eye of blue steel, likens to it.
"
"this curved shape's called convexo-concave:
rounded sides, just the two, to engrave.
see the moon, fresh and new?
there's a crescent to view
as it sets 'neath the land's dusky wave.
"
"carcinology seems like the life?
i'm provided with food, without strife.
i can study crustaceans,
and tasty relations,
with only a fork and a knife.
"
"""a particular speed"" is celerity;
i can tell you, with total sincerity,
that this meaning is true?
though it's unheard by you,
for its usage today is a rarity.
"
"it's part of a watch or a clock
that ensures that each tick has a tock.
no pivot should lack it,
secure by this bracket
that overhangs ? once called a cock.
"
"come play curling, and slide on the ice.
throw a stone, not just once ? you throw twice ?
in a team of just four.
want to make a good score?
leaving rocks in the cock will suffice.
"
"electronic components you buy;
there are some (called resistors) you spy
with bright colours in bands
that a code then expands
to the values, in ohms, they supply.
"
"""i had travelled afar and not seen a
ballerina with such proud demeanour,
so i've made her my wife,
my companion for life,""
said the czar of his new-found czarina.
"
"the image was flawed from the start.
having penguins in igloos? not smart!
for the penguins live free
round the great southern sea
and the igloos, the north: poles apart.
"
"houses, grand, stiffly stand on parade;
in a big sweeping curve they're arrayed:
neither avenue, street,
nor a boulevard, neat,
but a crescent, where old grandees fade.
"
"one word by itself, all alone;
meaning ""solely"" or ""merely"" ? unknown
by most modern-day writers;
just old-usage citers
put allenarly up on a throne.
"
"a hundredweight, cwt,
is one hundred and twelve pounds to me,
but america's weight
is one hundred pounds, straight;
just one more thing where we disagree.
"
"""oh, hello mr. sheil, have i got
a new tip on a share that's so hot.
if you buy them today
then great wealth comes your way;
write a cheque: you must pay on the spot.""
"
"see that pillar of salt? that's lot's wife!
she looked back to a city of strife.
was her action quixotic?
more likely biotic:
pertaining to secular life.
"
"as a group out together we fight
for the cause of what's good and what's right.
all for one, one for all
is our rallying call.
hurt the one and we all will unite.
"
"the headset i stick in my ear
lets me talk on my phone, loud and clear.
there's no cable connection
to mar my perfection,
just bluetooth ? with wireless i hear.
"
"the husk of the grain or the chaff
was a crap ? yes, it's true ? it's no gaffe.
you may think i'm amused
by a word rarely used ?
well it's true, i enjoy a good laugh.
"
"for battle creek, michigan, fame
from a packet of cereal came.
dr kellogg first makes
his nutritious corn flakes
as a sideline from treating the lame.
"
"do you want to recolour your cat?
get a tub or a trough or a vat.
in this back place your dye.
add your cat, rinse and dry?
if she dies, then she'll make a fine hat.
"
"cooperatively: that is, for me,
how we ought to write limericks ? it's key.
with an author (or two)
and an editing crew
polished verses accrue ? look, you'll see.
"
"when alison had an allision
she claimed that vic blocked out her vision.
the theory i'd float
why she hit the moored boat
is quite simple: no steering precision.
"
"for the learn?d and scholarly, you
may have need of some lexical glue:
there's a word you can use
for their literate views ?
they are clerkly, an old word but true.
"
"on the train i at last found my proof:
in our carriage, a section of roof
(having windows and vents)
that is raised represents ...
yes, a clearstory, if i'm no goof.
"
"as a sailor, you'll want to protect
all your lines to prevent a defect.
when it's rough, then it's clear
that you need chafing gear ?
if you chafe through your ropes you'll be wrecked.
"
"one small crack gave disaster its start;
no protection from heat for their dart
on re-entry. their fate
was to burn up. debate
on the cause came too late ... aching heart.
"
"in your abdomen, pain (it's spasmodic)
comes and goes once again (episodic).
you can't tell me what's wrong
with you ... colic? my song
aims to comfort with rhythms melodic.
"
"you just know that there's something not right
when an animal takes a delight
in stealing the food
that another's accrued:
cleptoparasite, thief in the night.
"
"pecuniary aid (that's a loan),
or maybe the loan of a phone:
accommodation's the word
for the help that occurred
when the rest of your friends had all flown.
"
"leave your car overnight as you borrow
from two spaces adjacent; tomorrow,
note the lines on each bay
that was blocked by your stay ?
yes, your parking is such, such sweet sorrow.
"
"it's neither a slim nor a fat boat;
just one mast and one sail ? what is that boat?
and that mast ... tell me how
come it's close to the bow?
not a dinghy or scow, it's a catboat.
"
"when you heard that the owner was dead
you moved in to his home in his stead.
now the new legal heir
finds that you're living there,
an abator; you're blocking his tread.
"
"atramentous, the word, has a friend:
atramental. though rare i contend
if you're bright you will think
they're related to ink;
thick and black (not bright pink): perfect blend.
"
"oh, what shall we call this raw youth?
he's lanky and, frankly, uncouth.
though he thinks he's a godling,
the lad's just a codling;
a word that's rare spoken, in truth.
"
"my cheyney was eaten by moth;
the woollen or worsted-type cloth
was stacked up in rolls ...
now it's nothing but holes!
such destruction has caused me great wrath.
"
"a dactyl's no hand nor a paw;
it's the terminal part of a claw,
or a limb, that is jointed?
all angled and pointed.
if you hear one go click, just withdraw.
"
"i would like to assist you, it's true;
beg your pardon, there's naught i can do.
anno domini's sway
means i'm wasting away;
with the passing of years i'm now through.
"
"your horse has gone lame? golly gosh!
and the cause, so you claim, is the closh.
for your vet, though, the name's
laminitis ? he aims
to start treatment today: a cold wash.
"
"a closh, you may learn with a shock,
on a boat is a spiked upright block.
here a hard-hearted sailor
on the deck of a whaler
cuts blubber, despite the boat's rock.
"
"a dactyl, it seems, was a date;
not a date from a calendar, mate,
but a date that's a fruit,
whether big or minute.
this old meaning's not used much of late.
"
"to cruddle does not mean to girdle
in clothing too tight, nor to hurdle
by running and leaping.
its meaning i'm keeping
alive. make milk curdle? this word'll.
"
"you were honest and truthful, i thought,
so i loaned you the boats that you sought.
i'll articulate charges
for sinking my barges;
you'll pay what the court says you ought!
"
"dichloro, the syllables start;
diphenyl, the following part;
trichloro ? you see
why it's called ddt;
now add ethane, its chemical heart.
"
"the chinese say an eight is auspicious;
having five in a row? how propitious!
the olympic games' start?
the inaugural part?
eight past eight, eight, eight, eight: repetitious!
"
"the critical point, you will find,
is where density, pressure combined
with temperature too
means the liquid you view
with its vapour, on cue, is entwined.
"
"the canal wiggles left and then right;
of locks in a flight ? not a sight.
this method, alluring
to those who are touring,
is contouring ... visual delight.
"
"trampolinist from europe, young lech
took a fall ? gave a knock to his neck.
did he stop? no, not he!
jumped right back with great glee.
how the crowd liked the proud bouncing czech.
"
"in our battleships, once, on the floors,
was linoleum ? though 'twas the cause
of the spreading of fires.
now the captain requires
that linoleum's left on the shores.
"
"pelvic viscera needing a check:
are they healthy or more like a wreck?
a culdoscopy shows
if you've medical woes
as it goes on a biotech trek.
"
"you will probably know, at a glance,
that this word's japanese; there's a chance
you'll think bugaku's swish
as a dish made from fish ...
well it's not! it's a classical dance.
"
"on the mainframe computer, one day,
chattered teletypes: users at play.
in the cool 'puter room,
unaware of his doom,
at his console the op typed away.
"
"consent is the thing that you need
if your cravings for sex you would feed.
with her ""yes"", jolly jape ?
but without, why it's rape!
yes, consent is the thing that you need.
"
"the protesters set out to harass
while the forces of law stand en masse.
comes the order to fire;
demonstrators retire.
cs gas, vile and crass, kicked their ass.
"
"a dactyl, in metrical feet,
starts off with a strong stress or beat.
this is followed directly,
if used quite correctly,
by two that are much more discreet.
"
"an abundance, a plenty, a routh ?
from america, central or south,
comes the crapaud: a treat,
it's a bullfrog you eat.
open up, and it hops in your mouth.
"
"this word that i'm trying to think of
means ""of or pertaining to ink"". of
such thoughts that torment us ...
of course, atramentous!
it's not what i'd take a short drink of!
"
"the fight, like the light, is all done;
many dead and, 'tis said, no one's won.
all this carnage must cease,
so i'm suing for peace;
i'll articulate (lay down my gun).
"
"there's a man with a plan to display;
it's a schema and shows you the way
that your data is held
in the digital meld.
go and find him ? this kind dba.
"
"down an endoscope doctors can peer
while the end through your body they steer.
for culdoscopy, you'll
need the culdoscope tool,
redesigned by a fine engineer.
"
"a deadlock's a lock, you'll agree,
that is opened and shut with a key.
no spring-loaded action
can force its retraction;
no key means we cannot get free.
"
"a database deadlock's a pain:
one process is waiting in vain
for resource that a second
has already reckoned
it needs, hence the first cannot gain.
"
"the voice of the people holds sway.
hear their choice, politicians. obey!
the vote is obama,
from banker and farmer?
democracy rules here today.
"
"a dghaisa will keep you afloat;
it's a gondola sort of a boat
for the people of malta.
its use will not falter?
see its shiny and bright painted coat.
"
"from rainbow, this tubby brown bear
just wants to find out what is where.
no beast of the jungle,
inquisitive bungle
is sure to cause havoc ? take care!
"
"you know what is wrong and what's right.
such clarity! doubt's put to flight.
your dogmatical way
allows no shades of grey;
all the world, in your sight's, black or white.
"
"lexicographers, listen to me:
coconspirator never should be
a graphical printer.
that meaning's a splinter,
a thought with which none should agree.
"
"michael crichton could write a good thriller;
tell a tale that would turn your blood chiller.
to technology's danger
this man was no stranger,
but cancer, they say, was his killer.
"
"though i'm here in the office today,
my old laptop is working away
at encrypting its disk
to reduce data risk,
so please phone if you need me. ok?
"
"at the side of his plate sits some mustard,
but the thought of its heat has him flustered.
by this condiment scared,
to no hero compared,
he's a cowardy cowardy custard.
"
"in the great shakespeare's hamlet we see
just how violent court life can be:
a compendium, straight,
of the dangers of state;
that's the fate that awaits such as me!
"
"'round here you may wish to exclude a
free boat trip, or else you'll be screwed. a
true triangle tangle
gives mystics an angle
for popularising bermuda.
"
"crack hardy: now, what can that mean?
crack hearty: that paints the same scene.
there's misfortune, a blow;
and yet courage you show
so your face has a look that's serene.
"
"my web server now is apache;
the service before was quite scratchy.
the code's open source
which is better, of course,
and what's more it's a name that's quite catchy.
"
"in the '50s, they thought they should walk
to act for their cause, not just talk.
campaigning they came;
no nukes was their aim.
disarmament ? no tomahawk!
"
"my great hairy willowherb dream
had an edible artefact theme:
apple-pie in the sky,
cherry-pie in my eye,
and a topping of codlings-and-cream.
"
"dynamic: to change you were free;
debugging: hunt faults, we agree;
technique: it's the way
to keep problems at bay;
on the mainframe we'd say ddt.
"
"when the first ""real"" computers were made,
it was 1gl code they obeyed.
with just zeros and ones,
a correct program runs ?
one bit wrong and it won't make the grade.
"
"you can do it like this, or like that;
turn it into some gloves or a hat.
multi-choice i bestow
for, in truth, there are so
many ways you can skin a fat cat.
"
"this cyclops is something that's real,
not a strange mythological deal.
it's a copepod. my!
will it blink and swim by
as it hunts, with one eye, for a meal?
"
"this meaning's not one to perplex,
nor to cause you to run any checks,
for the congress i've planned
starts with holding your hand
but it ends with us writhing in sex.
"
"on our meeting your folks cast a hex.
did they think that we sought naked sex?
well the congress we sought
was for pure, naked thought.
see how ignorance mangles and wrecks.
"
"joan of arc didn't have that much fun;
not for her lying round in the sun.
lots of fro-in' and to-in' ?
then she stopped off at rouen
where she barbecued steaks 'til well done.
"
"our reality's what we can see.
an alternative one? there may be.
though employed in sci-fi,
it's not pie-in-the-sky?
that's what alternate i said to me!
"
"think it's only in physics? aroint!
there be meanings more fair and disjoint,
for in maths you will find
where a graph's not inclined
is the site of a critical point.
"
"on the table a mark, brown and round,
where a coffee mug sat?i was bound
to admit to the cause
of additional chores?
just a coffee ring stain, not a mound.
"
"speak clearly, say words with great care.
please pronounce every syllable there.
take care what you say;
careless words make you pay,
causing boundless delay, so beware!
"
"if you're cymric, it means you are welsh,
and you're used to the weather that's melsh.
but the floods of last week
washed out more than a leek?
many homes, being sodden, now squelch.
"
"to articulate peace is my aim:
write a treaty whose terms i will frame.
though the talking has pauses,
composing the clauses
continues ? the politics game.
"
"the copulatives stood in the church
while their friends scoured the town in the search
for the priest (still abed),
so the couple could wed.
bring him quick 'fore those two make a smirch!
"
"cu is the symbol for copper.
its use for your pipes is quite proper;
its use for your cables,
electric, enables
your life as an internet shopper.
"
"this meaning of coign's not much used,
so your lack of an insight's excused.
whilst it may seem quite strange
that it's known now as change,
it's not usage just coined to confuse.
"
"from the family cleridae came
an animal, clerid by name.
all praise to this beetle;
i hope that his feet'll
now lead him to fortune and fame.
"
"an abator is one who abates
or reduces some nuisance that grates.
they're the cause of retraction
of some former action
that hurt you or one of your mates.
"
"with computers, a benchmark will show
if a system is running too slow.
the time that it takes
is the measure it makes
when it's running some tasks that you know.
"
"if you master the world you survey
you'll draw maps that won't lead us astray.
with a benchmark or two
you will show points where you
know position and height 'long the way.
"
"in the process of digitization
we're becoming a wired cyber-nation.
your life, yes the whole
of it's in their control:
cybernation in every location.
"
"crack a crib is a criminal's slang:
to burgle your house. with his gang
he will steal all your stuff
and, if that's not enough,
nick your car. has he guilt? not a pang!
"
"when boiling or rendering fat
what's left in a splodge or a splat
are the craps (or a crap);
keep them clear of your lap
and never give scraps to your cat.
"
"this word, i'd be willing to bet,
is a word that you'll never have met.
just a column that's small
is its meaning, that's all,
and the word i recall's colonnette.
"
"""with heretical words you are speaking
when our holiest book you're critiquing.
so from god comes this curse:
an anathema; worse,
you're now hell-bound for torture and shrieking.""
"
"what's a rubber-soled shoe, my good chap?
or a bait going bob, fish to trap?
or the skip of a stone
when at water it's thrown?
or the bounce of a ball? it's a dap.
"
"if i don't use this stuff i will cry
for the lens 'gainst my lid will get dry.
contact lens restitution:
a wetting solution
helps plastic feel smooth in my eye.
"
"white and milky, it's there with a squirt;
if it gets in your eye it will hurt.
'tween your finger and thumb
rub it gently, then come
with a lens that's been cleaned of all dirt.
"
"despite pleas, legal process won't stop,
and tomorrow your body should drop?
as a crack-halter, though,
you're a failure. i know,
'cause you made an identity swap!
"
"you were thrown into jail in great haste;
as a crack-hemp you're destined to taste
the bight of the rope
as it bites. was there hope
to defeat the grim fate that you faced?
"
"the burden i carry is heavy,
and my job brings no tax and no levy.
i swear, on my oath,
i'll depone them, the both,
then i'll sit in my home with a bevvy.
"
"as you like it: the world is a stage
and we're reading a script, page by page.
seven ages: the heart
as each man plays his part
from his birth to his death of old age.
"
"you may think this terse verse is deceiving
when i tell you that, once, ""interweaving
or contexture"" defined
the noun complex, but kind,
gentle reader, i crave your believing.
"
"it's the largest of citrus, and can
have a twelve-inch diameter span.
this pamplemousse, too,
gives us ample juice; you
need a sweet bali lemon, young man!
"
"""that fire won't relight"" ? so she claims,
but prediction's no strength of this dame's.
see the ember's slight glow,
add some kindling then blow,
and just watch as it bursts into flames.
"
"this usage just caused me to frown.
that verb was much better a noun!
you say ""architected"" ? ""why
not designed?"" i reply.
you're a mangler of english, you clown.
"
"the big bang day, or so it's been called,
has some technophobes acting appalled.
when cern bang their rocks,
giving protons great shocks,
they think life on this world will be stalled.
"
"what controls your computers at work?
allows access (or not); doesn't shirk?
the dc takes the strain:
the controller, domain?
you'll be blocked if the thing goes berserk.
"
"an encounter in combat ? sword swings;
a coming together of things
or people, a meeting
where everyone's greeting
the folks like they're lordlings or kings.
"
"with science, it's truth that's our aim;
what is written in scripture's just claim.
where we see contradiction,
we know that it's fiction.
forgive them, in charles darwin's name.
"
"early morning, the day's just begun;
german tourists arrive, on the run,
to mark out their base,
to reserve the right space
and to bag the best place for the sun.
"
"defecation is sometimes the pits,
though it's rarely discussed by us brits.
if you've problems, your howls,
when discharging your bowels,
will move mild-mannered matrons to fits.
"
"a crapaud (in full, crapaud-stone)
is a toadstone. now, am i alone
in finding that this
definition's a miss?
i'm still left with its meaning unknown!
"
"i eat food between meals when i'm flagging.
start a diet you say? stop your nagging!
a big afternoon tea
is no problem for me,
though this bagging's the cause of my sagging!
"
"when you say, ""there's no god"", that's profane,
and your adverts give cause to complain.
we believe you should prove
what you state, or remove
all those atheist words we disdain.
"
"defalk is a word that's now rare,
and there's few who would show it a care.
so here's my instructions:
""reduce by deductions""?
this meaning we all now should share.
"
"that cumulus (sub-type congestus)
grew quickly, so fast it impressed us.
those tall, puffy towers
bode more than just showers.
a picnic? whatever possessed us!
"
"in malaysia, they know what is meant
by a baba (there's racial intent).
this label is worn
by a man who's straits-born,
when his family has chinese descent.
"
"anamorphic, this art has a part
which, when seen from the front, isn't smart.
but when viewed from the angle
correct, you untangle
perspective; then meaning can start.
"
"do i make it turn dark, black as night?
do i make you remark you've no sight?
no, it's pleasure i bring,
make you laugh, dance and sing;
and from life pluck its sting: i'm delight.
"
"it's awarded for valour whilst flying;
for courage when others are dying.
when this medal you wear,
you're distinguished and rare ?
this cross is for acts death-defying.
"
"on a hot summer day (we said ""phew"")
down in abbey road's studio 2,
we sought out the shadows
and found that some lad knows
guitaring. ""apache!"" woo hoo!
"
"here's a word that's a word-writer's treasure;
it's a unit of length for your pleasure.
'bout the length of my car,
in far burma a dhar
is the strange-spelling, size-telling measure.
"
"at the dew point the vapour condenses
from the air, and a dewfall commences.
as the temperature falls,
ageing poet recalls
barefoot walks through wet stalks ? sharpened senses.
"
"the fuse on this circuit has blown
and electrical testing has shown
there's a fault in the wiring;
it's damaged, requiring
repair, so you'd best get a loan.
"
"brontology's just not for you.
your discontent rumbles; you're blue.
brontophobia means
that this fear's in your genes.
quit your thunderstorm chasing; you're through.
"
"if a fluid is heated below
then a regular pattern can grow;
from random direction
comes ordered perfection,
now b?nard convection can flow.
"
"it's an adjective, verb or a noun;
this word is not simple. sat down
at my desk, i compose
rhyming couplets, not prose?
the word complex in fine verbal gown.
"
"a garrison settlement's here
in a land romans conquered with fear;
of young soldiers bereft,
only veterans left?
now this colony meaning's quite clear.
"
"it's a truth that i think we all see:
everyone has the right to be free.
but for some in iraq,
this is something they lack.
let them all live autonomously.
"
"an archaic word's usage has charm
and this colony's no source of harm.
its meanings are plural:
a settlement, rural,
or a seventeenth century farm.
"
"an egg that a fly leaves in meat
is a blow. this is no tasty treat
but a danger to all
(into sickness you'd fall),
so take care of the meat that you'll eat.
"
"one hundred and fifty's the score:
not in darts, but in cold, bloody war.
in afghanistan's hills
an explosion that kills
makes us mourn the sad death of one more.
"
"were you passed by the testers and vetters?
can you write to your elders and betters?
are your mentally fit?
have you got your d.litt?
if you have, you're a doctor of letters.
"
"i've oft tried an accumulator bet,
but it's one i have never won yet.
to succeed you need four
speedy horses, or more,
or a highly corruptible vet!
"
"your password's secure? not from me!
i'll crack it quite quick, just you see.
distributed action
and keyboard distraction
with brute force abstraction's the key.
"
"in maths, complex fractions are trying,
but indeed, there's a truth underlying:
on the top or the bottom,
more fractions? they've got 'em.
recursion brings cursing and sighing.
"
"""so you doubt the whole truth of creation?
believe science will be your salvation?
you offend me,"" cries fatima,
""you're an anathema;
cursed, and assigned to damnation!""
"
"is the look that she's giving ""come hither""?
serenade her all night with my zither?
should i stay? should i go?
how's a man meant to know?
will she go while i dally and dither?
"
"in the crook of my finger, the top
of the bottle's held firm ? it won't drop.
to my lens i apply
stuff to wet, not to dry,
then it's into my eye it'll pop.
"
"to heavily slap is quite bad;
it will make those you slap boiling mad.
your violent action
is not an attraction;
take care not to hit, strike, or blad.
"
"""bring a brazier here, quick! do not tarry.""
""i've a portable furnace,"" i parry.
""though it's neat and petite
you can't beat it for heat.
get your chauffeur my chauffer to carry.""
"
"in maths, it may give you a jolt
to see numbers turn complex ? you dolt!
while a + ib
is one form that you'll see,
both a length and degree track the volt.
"
"buzz the buzzard, that's me. i've pizzazz.
at the jazz club i quaff fine shiraz.
on the razzle i dazzle,
though others may frazzle;
my zizz is the fizz in this skaz.
"
"if each second you measure just one
single disintegration (what fun!),
then the unit to use
is a becquerel: choose
to write bq?don't shout and don't run.
"
"the ccitt is no more?
though it carries on work, as before.
is this strange? not at all,
just a new name to call
now the itu-t sets the law.
"
"we're the danites, that's us, to a man.
we're the tribe that was founded by dan.
in the bible you'll find us;
there's no chain will bind us,
though haircuts once thwarted our plan.
"
"dress the part in your smart new dj?
dinner jacket (or tux, usa).
for a formal occasion
the social equation
says ""penguin suit"" must be the way.
"
"if i say ""this is safe"", i'm ironic
for this genie is sometimes demonic.
if you're lucky, your wish
shall come true in a swish
and your demon or djinn be a tonic.
"
"""it'ss right at the top of thiss column,
yess it iss, oh my preciouss,"" hissed gollum.
""on the abacusss sitss
the entablature bitss
in a tableau sserene and sso ssolemn.""
"
"i'm sure it's a plumb full of joy church,
but is it a girl or a boy church?
there's a sign ... i pass by
for i fear they're too shy
and they'd never reply down at coychurch.
"
"here's a circle, within it a dot.
is this symbol well known? no, it's not,
'though it's gaining renown
from a book, by dan brown,
where the circumpunct's part of the plot.
"
"he was running to keep from the law
when he fell through the roof to the floor.
now escape's in the past,
for his leg's in a cast
and two guards stand on watch at his door.
"
"in ireland, a wandering togue
was swept out to sea. in his brogue
he inquired, all aquiver,
""oh, where's the roe river?
its mouth is my sweet disembogue.""
"
"blast curtains catch shards, energetic,
but the fabrics now used are pathetic.
they need to change quicker
(when stressed, to grow thicker).
such action is known as auxetic.
"
"thy journey to hell i'll decline
for the meaning i choose won't be thine;
this is not infidelic:
""anathema: relic
consecrated to usage divine.""
"
"in the indian ocean, this isle
seems a symbol of seasonal style.
christmas island is jolly,
though lacking in holly,
and its web code, cx, makes me smile.
"
"united (these seven make one)
arab emirates: oil by the ton.
their web site address
ends ""ae"" ? i confess
that i'd rather have fun in their sun.
"
"south atlantic: this mountainous ground
was named for the day it was found
(ascension). it's key
to help keep the world free
and to steer you and me homeward bound.
"
"andorra: you'll see at a glance
it is squished in between spain and france.
you can ski past the trees
in the high pyrenees,
and their banks give a tax-free advance.
"
"pick a country name rhyming with bongo.
what, you can't? why, i'll pay you one mongo
if you manage to guess
where the ""cg"" address
is the web site. why, yes, it's the congo.
"
"your new web site? we're writing it soon.
and the server? it's here, cameroon,
its_a_scam.cm ?
it will look such a gem!
you must wire us the money by noon.
"
"what country's domain is cv?
cape verde. and where might that be?
they're ten islands, volcanic?
but safe, so don't panic;
the atlantic's the sea that they see.
"
"a sentence that's complex has clauses
conjoined by conjunctions ? and pauses ?
but, dear reader, take care,
hidden dangers lurk there;
complex diction now causes locked-jawses.
"
"in england the ciders you buy
may be labelled as sweet or as dry.
sugar content is what
means they're sweet or they're not ?
and they're both alcoholic, no lie.
"
"a sperm whale, in paris or pisa,
will never use amex or visa.
he'll spend only cash
which he keeps in a stash?
he's a credit-less, cachalot geezer.
"
"expressed by the verb ""to embrace"",
it's a meaning that leaves little trace
in the writings of men.
should we use it again
or leave complex alone in its place?
"
"to combine from some parts to one whole;
to complicate, mix up your role:
where discussion is vexed
then the question's complexed
by the schism 'tween science and soul.
"
"psychoanalysts often confirm
strange behaviour by using this term;
the ideas you suppress
may result in distress?
with a complex, you'll struggle and squirm.
"
"for a web site connection, no strain,
you must know its top-level domain.
for a country-based site
two code letters are right:
for example, ""dk"" for a dane.
"
"""pray, tell me, mum, what is a dart?""
""it's a stitched tapered tuck that is part
of the shaping, a slit
that will make the dress fit;
it is part of the dressmaker's art.""
"
"at your death you rise up from the earth,
then through time you lose height and lose girth.
this antichronism shows,
in reverse, how time flows,
till it finally ends with your birth.
"
"if you aim, on our airfield, to land,
then your path to the ground must be planned;
this route is the circuit.
you'll find, if you shirk it,
your flying of planes will be banned.
"
"""how much metal"", i asked, ""is ideal
to be used as a load making steel?""
now, i'm sad to report
that i drew the retort,
""take a blow!"" ? can such rudeness be real?
"
"two meanings i'll pull from the heap:
""a stroke of the shears, shearing sheep"",
and ""an outcrop of rock
that's a mineral stock"";
both are blows the australians keep.
"
"to adulter (a verb, not a noun)
is an action some meet with a frown:
having sex, out of place;
to corrupt or debase.
those refraining from both win a crown.
"
"his chance of a win was quite thin
when an upper-cut punch to his chin
in the very first round
knocked him clean to the ground?
that fine bolo did damage within.
"
"to join, to unite, to attach:
that's a meaning i hope you will match
with complex, though its use
may be seen as obtuse.
it's a rare lexicographer's catch.
"
"this problem is complex, i fear;
there's no simple solution, that's clear.
the parts, as now stated,
are interrelated
and too complicated. oh dear!
"
"an object composed of some parts
is called complex: and so this work starts.
each line, on its own,
leaves the meaning unknown;
as a whole, a word's meaning it charts.
"
"only one stop from glasgow, this town,
i am sure, has some cause for renown
but at crossmyloof i,
on my train, just pass by
giving neither a smile nor a frown.
"
"once-small cloud was now looming and dark;
of type cumulonimbus, i mark.
calvus top, once so crisp,
was now will-o'-the-wisp?
soon there's thunder and hail on our park.
"
"can you complex while cruising a cab?
can you complex while fighting the flab?
can you complex at home
(where the antelope roam)?
no, you complex alone in a lab.
"
"it's an obstacle race round a board
based on skill more than luck, i'm assured.
there are points; there's a blot;
i think backgammon's hot.
if i win will i get my reward?
"
"the thunder clouds rush to the sky?
watch those bubbles of cumulus fly!
then the clouds reach the top,
where they come to a stop,
and an anvil cloud, spreading, you'll spy.
"
"on this bent men once battled to death,
here heroically gasped their last breath
as they fought in your wars.
do you think that such cause
is worth life, my dear lady macbeth?
"
"this coin, first of bronze then of copper,
was called as by the romans, quite proper,
but when you had two
only asses would do
for a well-dressed pompeian clothes shopper.
"
"the aes are keen and exacting,
checking verse before firmly reacting.
the faults that they find
keep our standards aligned
and prevent the maligned from impacting.
"
"dear amazon, where are my books?
i was tracking the package ? it looks
like they've wandered astray
(stopped in ireland a day).
were they stolen by literate crooks?
"
"google chrome: new web browser today;
faster, safer, and simpler, they say.
is it technical hype,
or just technical tripe?
will we all surf the web google's way?
"
"in astrology, ages ago,
the word cardines surely you'd know.
it meant ""cardinal points""?
the celestial joints;
with some guidance, your future they'd show.
"
"is the evidence science or con?
just one glimpse of a track, then it's gone.
can this particle be
a new chi b(3p)?
seems that 'ugly' and 'beauty' locked on.
"
"business profits will never come free ?
knowing who's spending what is your key.
at the keyboard you tap,
writing code in abap;
pull reports out of sap with r/3.
"
"on her scooter, no traffic concerns,
stays on one city block, where she learns
to feel like magellan,
takes off from her dwellin' ?
circumnavigates! (four right-hand turns.)
"
"in broken eggs, closely inspected,
chalazal cords can be detected.
they're not so voluminous,
but twisted, albuminous ?
they're how yolk and shell are connected.
"
"no mere officer, he is the chief!
day to day, he's in charge (no relief),
every year of his term
operating the firm:
a tactician magician, in brief.
"
"in victorian times chicken breast
was a phrase that was never expressed.
they coined white meat. (dark, too,
chicken leg was taboo.)
it was clear that fowl language distressed.
"
"the chauna torquata, at present,
survives 'cause it's, frankly, unpleasant:
the meat is disgusting.
the screams? ear-drum busting.
the chaja ain't nothin' like pheasant.
"
"civil service, as long as i live'll
be tainted; it's rose-colored drivel.
i've seen passport clerks
behaving like jerks,
without doubt, neither service nor civil.
"
"said a yank in a paris caf?,
""i thought i'd try citron press?.
seven euros i paid ?
hey, it's just lemonade!
that squashes my budget today.""
"
"the christian religion got traction
from emperor constantine's action.
his reasons were practical,
thoroughly tactical.
he made it much more than a faction.
"
"read this bio of einstein, contriving
to clarify; still i am striving
to fathom his quote
in that famed anecdote:
""when is zurich to this train arriving?""
"
"in the urban patois ""ain't no thing
but a..."" (pause for effect) ""chicken wing""
was a slang non-event:
""not important"" it meant.
(lasted less time than even ""ka-ching."")
"
"there's the direct approach, and the in-.
to me, devious talk is a sin,
so make plain what you mean,
sir, come vent now your spleen;
circumvent not, nor waffle or spin.
"
"what america's sinister veep
does in secrecy makes us all sheep.
torture, prison and spies,
unaccountable lies ?
civil liberties? gone, while we sleep.
"
"fred astaire gets  the credit today
for his choreographic display.
ginger rogers, though, feels
what she did in high heels,
dancing backwards, just blows that away!
"
"as a batter, you always should strive
to outguess. keep the at-bat alive.
see his arm motion? go!
drive his heater! uh-oh.
seems his change-up has yet to arrive.
"
"unworried, we fill up our jugs,
cups, glasses, steins, goblets, and mugs.
what makes us so sure
our tap water's pure?
chlorination has killed off the bugs.
"
"folks from minsk shouted out, ""let's break loose
from the ussr's harsh abuse!""
but still it's soul-crushin'
to be belorussian,
in despotic and gray belarus.
"
"from cinchona bark chemists can use
the derivative quinine. good news ?
malarial stopper!
add tonic, a proper
therapeutic excuse for some booze.
"
"this ""chicken wire"" concept: just how'll
i grasp it, or throw in the towel?
i'm just not enlightened.
is it wire that is frightened ?
or a telegram sent by a fowl?
"
"it's the chamfer kind i must obtain,
and then train for the skill i will gain.
it will cut perfect bevels,
a feat that bedevils
a carpenter's plain mundane plane.
"
"after golf, twee mctavish's daddy
lavished flowers and tea on his caddy.
china roses looked great,
but the brew was served late:
""chai na rose to the boiling point, laddie.""
"
"bermuda, your web site i see
with its country code, bm. yippee!
there your shorts are quite long;
though that's strange, it's not wrong ?
will you send them by post straight to me?
"
"was the priest or the child on their knees
in this 'game' of the birds and the bees?
such abuse stemmed from lust
and position of trust ?
said the church: ""no publicity, please.""
"
"i'm keeping them all, do you dig?
it's the same if they're small or they're big.
though you say it's unfair,
to be frank, i don't care.
they're all mine and i don't give a fig.
"
"9/11/2001:
aircraft crash; thousands die; pictures stun.
ten years on, more dead men;
can you tell me just when
will this war against terror be done?
"
"running fast through the forest, take care;
in your path brambles plan to ensnare.
such tangled dumosity
slows your velocity;
now you're more tortoise than hare.
"
"your auditory tube's in your ear.
it's to equalise pressure, that's clear.
if it's blocked by a cold
and you're diving, i'm told,
when you surface you'll find you can't hear!
"
"this word is no flimflam or fiction,
nor a term for a sexual affliction.
no, a bishopric's place
is a bishop's home base ?
his diocese, turf, jurisdiction.
"
"a byrlaw (or birley or burley)
could defend you from men who were surly.
local custom and law
helped to tell them what for,
and protect you from death come too early.
"
"on a boat, by a bay, on the sea
from a tentacled monster please flee.
if you fall in its clutches,
your future, as such, is
unlikely to be long and free.
"
"where the nerves from your back reach your head,
on the part hippocampus they're led.
these nerves are called medullary?
keep us walking bi-pedularly.
should this alveus break you'd be dead.
"
"you're not swimming around in the shallows
since the scent of your 'sweet-smelling' tallows
smelt foul to the king?
now you're destined to swing;
as a crack-rope, you're bound for the gallows.
"
"""to hurt, harm or injure"", that's clear;
""do harm"", that's been gone a long year;
""to trouble and grieve""
(and ""to vex"") ? i believe
that i've listed all meanings of dere.
"
"it's purification from dregs,
and clarification has legs.
refinement's there too,
though i doubt that you knew
defecation's the word this verse pegs.
"
"though the film started off with financement,
it's been spent on computer enhancement.
will those bullet time scenes
be the ultimate means,
in the fight 'gainst machines, of entrancement?
"
"as the plane struggles up to the sky
it collides with some geese flying by;
with a first, second, third strike
it suffers a bird-strike?
both engines decide they will die.
"
"see the tart citric fruits in a heap
where they're placed in the hope that they'll keep.
though you might think that hay
is the crop makes me stay,
it is verses, in fact, that i reap.
"
"i once fought with a japanese ninja
and he sought, as a sport, me to injure.
but his blade held no fear;
he could do me no dere
with a samurai sword made of ginger.
"
"an adulter (a noun, not a verb)
is a man with an urge he can't curb
(or a woman, it's true,
for they get the urge too)?
there's a marriage he's out to perturb.
"
"the ambassadors: two fellows stand;
one is fat, dressed in furs, and looks grand
while the other is skinny
and looks like a ninny!
anamorphic, a skull's close at hand.
"
"a creep is a motion that's slow.
first you start ? then you don't seem to go.
lack of action it's not,
for you've moved from your spot,
though, in truth, not a lot ? just ? a ? toe.
"
"though her dancing en pointe was most deft,
wistful dreams are now gone, she's bereft.
not the prima, she'll stay
in the corps de ballet ?
there she is, thirteenth swan from the left.
"
"an old monk in an abbey near prague
copied psalms in dyslexical fog.
friars formed a consensus:
their amanuensis
devoted his whole life to dog.
"
"a street-corner prophet named sherman
cursed bulimics each day in his sermon:
""your binge-purge,"" says the bible-
thumping preacher, ""is li'ble
to get you sent to hell with the vermin.""
"
"cut her short, if you can, because that'll
stop the hum and the buzz and the rattle.
her chattiness hides
catty, nasty asides ?
put an end to her slanderous prattle!
"
"you've got gardening tools to combat
weeds and pests and dry rot and all that,
but for sunscreen protection?
get a conical section
that's woven, a straw coolie hat.
"
"we're sixteen, and her glance has a power
to buckle my knees, so i cower.
i'm tongue-tied and shy.
if she speaks, i must fly
to my home ? time to take a cold shower.
"
"colonoscopies, as i get older,
make me nervous. (resolve to be bolder!)
this pain i'll endure
my good health to assure ?
wait! the doc has a hand on each shoulder!
"
"xxx, xxx, xxa;
xxx, xxx, xxa
xxx xxb ?
xxx. xxb,
xxx, xxx xxa!
"
"to my publisher i have persisted,
""keep my titles alive and backlisted.
don't remainder my oeuvre:
it's no fate i deserve;
don't let readers forget i existed.""
"
"at my favorite punjabi cafe,
lamb biryani's my dish of the day.
it's a kitchen i trust,
with a chef who's naan-plussed.
and what's more, it's the bargain buffet!
"
"if an asset is used every day
by the firm, it's called active, okay?
far less useful, we know,
is our schmo ceo,
who's content on the golf course, at play.
"
"a cornet-playing nun's fame just grew. it
was her gimmick: she ate as she blew it.
could she eat  ice-cream cones
while reviving spike jones?
""since i'm into the habit, i'll do it.""
"
"it's the countdown we see on tv:
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,
2, 1, blastoff! she flies
out of range, through the skies ?
bon voyage. please don't fall in the sea.
"
"every publisher prints a design
called a colophon, down on the spine.
would our books look too stark
if we left off the mark?
hard to say where we should draw the line.
"
"he's competitive, setting the pace,
in the annual three-legged race ?
a reunion of kin?
hell, he's still out to win,
and he tramples his granny, to place.
"
"in tunisia it's known as ta'aam,
meaning ""food"" (it's that basic). i am
fond of  couscous ? at least
when it's part of a feast,
under slices of grilled leg of lamb.
"
"any channel is prone to this threat:
getting clogged, its capacity met.
how to measure the norm?
here's a simplified form:
in a second, how much can i get?
"
"i was spurned when i got close to josie;
no success. ""we could get comfy cozy ?
don't you dream of romance?""
""go away. you've no chance.""
it seemed josie preferred loving rosie.
"
"cost accountants live lives full of thrills,
plus adrenaline rushes and chills ?
the supply chain's weak link
they can find in a blink,
wielding corporate cash-saving skills!
"
"oy, contrariwise ? logical curse!
throws the sense in reverse, and what's worse,
makes the reader go back
'cause the flow's out of whack ?
on the other hand, so does this verse.
"
"the u.s. and u.k. can't agree
what the term city desk's meant to be.
to the yanks, it means local,
while the brits grow quite vocal,
""it's finance! stocks and bonds! don't you c?""
"
"capitulation's the word, not  defeat:
three more syllables, tasteful, discreet.
it's a term that can often
(post-surrender) help soften
a fine euphemistic retreat.
"
"there's a churlish young fellow named dirk
who brings gloom to each co-worker clerk.
can we chirk ? make him smile?
cheer him up? not his style.
so to chirk the jerk dirk? too much work.
"
"all diseases chlamydial suck.
and you got one, but not from bad luck ?
you had sex unprotected;
now those you infected
will know it's your fault, you dumb schmuck.
"
"through the ages, all cultures erect
tall buildings to show their respect ?
like a citadel, chartres,
tour eiffel (that's high art)!
we are all business now, i suspect.
"
"anton chekhov's narration rule one:
on the fireplace there is a gun
at the start of the tale ?
you must write (without fail)
that it shoots before all's said and done.
"
"your chest cavity's facing some cuts
from a surgeon who carves guts and butts.
yes, his training was classic ?
but he flunked the thoracic.
to rely on this klutz would be nuts.
"
"i'll submit this, but stay circumspect,
waiting timidly while you inspect
my limerick's rhyme,
or diction or time,
any one of which you may reject.
"
"on the checkerboard, one grain of wheat
on the first square, then double.  repeat.
this will come to a stop ?
you'll deplete the world's crop
long before the last square is complete.
"
"the mandarins wine us and dine us,
great eating, with only one minus:
don't add sichuan red flakes,
because when the bao breaks,
chinese mustard will clean out your sinus.
"
"in cleveland, the people are bitter
over jokes that make other folks titter.
this innocent jibe
will offend the whole tribe:
""like pittsburgh, without all the glitter.""
"
"u.s. money design is in flux;
what was green now has colors deluxe.
so i printed and deal
bogus bills as if real;
they're light purple, but read ""20 bucks""!
"
"citrus limon has bright yellow fruit
with a juice you might want to dilute.
take a sip and you'll scowl;
take a gulp and you'll howl;
take a bite? it will render you mute.
"
"when ralph kramden gave lessons to ed
about golf, he said, ""don't move your head.
your swing you must shorten
when you're chipping, norton ?
forget it, go bowling instead.""
"
"as a kid, lizzie borden was vexed,
but her parents were never perplexed.
she dismembered her dollies ?
said mom, ""youthful follies,
cold-blooded she's not."" (she was next.)
"
"run for cover, your letter's a boast
filled with errors of usage, plus most
of the words are misspelled,
punctuation's withheld ?
so your r?sum?? sorry, it's toast.
"
"the posterous era will come:
the world won't be goofy or dumb ?
not barmy or hazy
or wacky or crazy.
till then, life's preposterous, chum.
"
"it's an element, color, or penny,
or a butterfly ? meanings are many.
copper coins are around,
antique washtubs abound,
but if you need police, there ain't any.
"
"our cell meets tonight, you'll recall,
where conspiracy theories enthrall.
we will plot (in disguise)
the demise of the spies.
join our antisubversive cabal!
"
"city managers, never subjected
to political whim, are expected
to honor the title,
do work that is vital ?
not act like the jerks we elected.
"
"with her lashes aflutter, her eyes
wink and blink and grow wide with surprise ?
it's coquettish, we know,
just a ciliary show ?
a mere silly and airy disguise.
"
"what separates man from the brute?
opposable thumbs, or a suit?
no, the grace to make room in
this train for each human
who endures our hot sticky commute.
"
"see that c in a circle? s?, s?!
what you're reading's protected, at sea
or on land, in the air,
anywhere. so beware:
it's my copyright, don't mess with me!
"
"pennsylvania has traveler's shops
all along its great turnpike. those stops
offer small groves of trees
troopers hide in with ease:
be alert and you'll see keystone copse.
"
"say ""collateral damage"" before
they discover the gore on the floor.
speak in language well-chilled:
kids were ""damaged"" when killed.
they say truth's the first victim of war.
"
"we are conscious, philosophers say:
we're aware we're aware, every day.
but each bedtime you find
you again lose your mind,
and unconsciously give it away.
"
"a consultant will give you advice,
but it won't be concise or precise.
""the results you desired?
more work is required.""
it's a clever device: twice the price.
"
"at the closing bell, check out my gains;
stocks are up! caviar and champagne's
on the menu for dinner ?
see my ten-bagger winner?
(psst. tomorrow they'll beat out my brains.)
"
"verses apothegmatical, with
a limerick's concision and pith:
witty wisdom and more
in lines one two three four,
then instruction arrives in the fifth.
"
"take a frat boy who never did think,
dull his brain with two decades of drink.
mix in callow belief:
our commander in chief?
it's appalling how low we can cinc.
"
"their devotion to cod had not shrunk
so the abbots would sell you a hunk.
""your nice plaice i admire,
but are you the fish friar?""
""not at all, but i am the chip monk.""
"
"there's vishnu and neptune and thor,
plus hundreds more gods you ignore
as nonsensical, foolish,
perhaps even ghoulish.
ask an atheist; he'll add one more.
"
"said caesar, ""it's lean men one fears.
better round, like my wine urn appears.
it's safe when a lot'll
say, 'shaped like a bottle.
his ampullar face has jug ears.'""
"
"warren buffett must buy shares in blocks ?
how to do it without ""pricing shocks""?
one reason he's wealthy ?
he learned to buy stealthy,
in markets quite active for stocks.
"
"we all loved mr. calloway (cab),
whose performances never were drab.
the song would begin; he
would scat about minnie,
part singin', part fast-talkin' gab.
"
"courageousness isn't the same
as courage, because it's the name
we give to the state
of possessing this trait.
that's my claim. i'm to blame if it's lame.
"
"said the chef to his cooks, ""i'm the boss,
shred that cheese! better speed up the sauce!
great dishes can't wait ?
but you ingrates won't grate.
my flounder mornay? total loss!""
"
"charles v had an impact so vital,
there's no room in this verse for recital.
as a king, quite a showman ?
neither holy nor roman,
but emperor? he took the title.
"
"""take his great graphic novel, a model.
he shows how a cultural god'll
bring narration's new look!""
(no, a big comic book
inflated with post-modern twaddle.)
"
"lots of conflict you'll face in this zone,
but no bonuses. you should have known ?
what combat pay means
to a teacher of teens?
not one cent. to the lions you're thrown.
"
"go see connaught ? the  region's adored
by the tourists escaping the horde.
you'll love mayo or sligo ?
oh, but wait, is where i go
that hotel that i connaught afford?
"
"when  claymation performers ain't viable
like wallace and gromit,  they're liable
to seem less than dynamic ?
let them bake to ceramic,
and start over with clay, 'cause it's pliable.
"
"the street gang's a chorus of noise and
of swagger, testosterone-poisoned.
their turf's one city block:
just four streets trap this flock
where the powers of these sullen boys end.
"
"it was clear, in the physics class, that
little particles rained where i sat.
in those cloud chamber jars?
cosmic rays, sent from mars.
that's why i wear a tinfoil hat.
"
"need a high-speed vacation? insist
on a cook's tour: tick lands off your list;
you can zoom past the locals
(they're that blur, foreign yokels).
take a nap? two more countries you missed.
"
"it's where vision and process combine
to enhance any firm's bottom line.
the most bang for the buck
ain't a matter of luck.
cost-effectiveness springs from design.
"
"what could happen, or fall through the gaps,
is conditional ? prone to collapse.
life is iffy, capricious.
i have doubts; is that specious?
it's a definite maybe. perhaps.
"
"baron munchausen, figure of mirth,
spread fantastical tales round the earth.
his whole life was ad-libbing,
spectacular fibbing ?
a congenital liar: from birth.
"
"once again, cottage cheese (curds and whey)
was miss muffett's repast on the day
that the spider came back ?
she gave him a whack:
an assertiveness-training display.
"
"flung so carelessly, thoughts just careen:
rhymes that miss, words that ain't what they mean.
a license poetic?
no, verbal emetic
still flowing in version eighteen.
"
"tv ""journalists"" now must defend
the baloney that talking heads send:
""all that stuff people like'll
fill every news cycle!""
odds and ends, served up odd without end.
"
"it ain't modern, it's classical greek.
all them letters are weird ? take a peek.
this textbook? go burn it.
no reason to learn it.
won't find nobody talks how they speak.
"
"so this dame saunters into my place,
""private dick?"" ""i'm the best, angel face.""
this frail was so posh ?
i did not see the cosh.
so she creased my skull. i took the case.
"
"this dependency fix that you're in?
your steep chemical fall into sin?
i'm astounded, struck dumb
at the thought you'd succumb ?
quite unlike my devotion to gin.
"
"your consumption's conspicuous, slick,
gaudy, garish, with glitz laid on thick.
you won at the lottery ?
now you're flaunting your gottery:
tacky excess reveals you're a hick.
"
"today it's corn chowder we're makin':
take corn, milk, potatoes and bacon,
onion, celery, spices
and garlic. what's nice is
the bowl full of pleasure we're takin'.
"
"every confidence game demands art,
which well played can take dough from the smart!
every con artist knows
how the ""pigeon drop"" goes,
where a fool sees his money depart.
"
"you can wish, you can hope, you can pray,
ask benevolent gods to obey.
but they don't give a crap ?
zeus would much rather zap
you with lightning and blow you away.
"
"my friend sam thinks we oughta go fishin'
in the northern pacific. he's wishin'
for a chum salmon fight,
which would be a delight.
my chum sam 'n' i ? this is our mission.
"
"for your greeting card, first coin a phrase
such as ""rainbow-love shines through the haze.""
you'll join, through the prism
of your neologism,
lame clich?s on displays ? but it pays!
"
"couch potatoes are harmless as mice.
watching tv immobile's their vice.
it's a life not frenetic,
but lard-ass pathetic.
roll those cardiovascular dice.
"
"""your changing the stations gets old;
give me the damn clicker to hold.""
but he learned at his work
as a government clerk,
""go through channels."" he does as he's told.
"
" cinderella then married the bum.
she believed  him a prince and then some.
but he's lazy. he snores.
he has her cleaning floors.
should have known ? someday mop rinse will come.
"
"a consumption tax? that's a cruel fate!
why should folks with tb pay a ? wait!
it's that money we lose
(when we buy what we use)
at a sickening, breathtaking rate.
"
"does retirement cause one to rust?
it's a slow way to turn into dust.
lie down and diminish?
that's no way to finish!
why not burst into flames and combust?
"
"in slovakian jousts, goes the tale,
will the chain mail or plating prevail?
choose the bold magyar lad,
sturdy cast-iron-clad ?
the czech is (alas) in the mail.
"
"we're so grateful his mistress was coy
to inspire the words he'd employ
for charm and seduction ?
a poetic construction
that's a marvellous ode to enjoy.
"
"for your council of war, build a team.
blood and treasure's at stake: choose the cream.
wolfie, cheney and rummy?
loony, devil and dummy.
thousands died: time to change the regime.
"
"cosmopolitan once meant ""urbane.""
that's past tense; now it just means ""inane.""
the magazine's pap,
the cocktail is crap,
neither one will do much for your brain.
"
"so you think it was coyness that sent
me abroad? no, dear andy, i went
to escape from the curse
of your verse ? it's perverse,
too persistent, too needy, and bent.
"
"there's this venomous guy on our site ?
brought our forum a serious blight.
he's a nasty, tendentious,
forever contentious
old troll who likes picking a fight.
"
"you're preparing fried chicken, so start
with the corn oil (a liquid) ? be smart:
at room temperature, lard
isn't fluid, but hard ?
a clue that it's worse for your heart.
"
"a circle's one kind of closed curve,
or elliptical ovals will serve ?
to enclose planar space
in unbroken embrace:
like a square, minus corners, plus swerve.
"
"in meiosis (for cells, that's hot sex),
they're swapping their genes, little specks.
these cellular slatterns
are trading in patterns
chiasmic: they're shaped like an x.
"
"a cornstalk's the stem that's revealed
once you harvest the latest crop yield.
in good or bad years
it will lend you its ears ?
it's outstanding, they say, in its field.
"
"the cooking staff here's ""flavor-deaf"" ?
won't use spices! i give them an f.
the guy who's at fault
needs my pepper and salt:
send my condiments in to the chef.
"
"a blood-curdling howl from the scottie
(that is virtually true: blood got clotty!)
to our ears was traumatic.
damn dog's operatic,
a terrier-ist pavarotti!
"
"crime is rampant; we cannot endure
this condition. we feel insecure.
try proliferation ?
think regeneration ?
build cells! build more cells! that's the cure.
"
"suicidal, depressed, in a stupor,
raving, often insane, william cowper,
in spite of this curse
wrote original verse:
he was super, but never a duper.
"
"miss custis wed robert e. lee.
""he seemed just like my cup of tea.
such choices that faced me,
i had to act ? chastely ?
'fore other girls saw what i see.""
"
"she looks tawdry and loose and disheveled:
pushup bra, tangled hair, she's bedeviled
by her cheapening tricks,
which to hicks in the sticks
mean yippee! now the playing field's leveled!
"
"see the calendar? stocks are now rising ?
the effect of all prophets advising,
""it's the santa claus rally,
the year's grand finale!""
self-fulfilling, so not so surprising.
"
"when the trade journal asked, ""please confess
how your gouda's so good, and assess
why your swiss cannot miss?""
""with equipment like this,
all my edam's made backwards, cheese press.""
"
"i clumsily stumble and bump.
(imagine the thump if i'd jump!)
if i should try bowling,
i'd get the ball rolling,
but oops ? i'd fall flat on my rump.
"
"when constructionists call themselves strict,
their votes are a cinch to predict.
though the founders were mute
re: a software dispute,
corporate interests are sure to be picked.
"
"my father warned, ""ju?rez is gritty ?
painted chicas, at first, may look pretty.
the ciudad? that is where
you'll find fleshpots! beware!""
""see you, dad. i am off to the city!""
"
"in the cowbarn, ""the ladies"" would gather,
not to shoot the bull, only to blather
about things big for cows:
""let's chew cud."" ""or pull plows!""
""or the udder thing."" ""oh. would you rather?""
"
"around harvard,  the coop is a store:
it's a co-op (the hyphen's no more) ?
not a house to keep chickens,
but a place to buy dickens
and for book-loving flocks to explore.
"
"for a kayak adventure  pursuit,
go the length of the mighty chubut:
from andes to ocean
in easterly motion,
the cross-patagonian route.
"
"there are sources of flavor cooks prize
in the brown bits of onion that fries;
in potatoes chefs heat,
crispy crumbs that taste sweet ?
comes from sugars that caramelize!
"
"we viewed, and then stewed, and then booed,
when the angel addressed joe as ""dude.""
but the real coup de gr?ce
of this crude total loss?
when the wise men arrived in the nude.
"
"is a clove hitch this kind? (maybe not.)
see these ropes that got clumped in a clot?
is it gordian? no?
half windsor? a bow?
i know squat 'bout what knot i have got.
"
"no corn whiskey is ever refined,
since it's brewed by the dregs of mankind:
toothless hicks who are swilling
the dreck they're distilling.
bad moonshine can make you go blind!
"
"we hate choppiness. rhythm of hacks.
it ain't fluid. adroitness? it lacks.
a poem should flow.
never be stop and go.
your reader's attention? don't tax.
"
"introducing the scourge, zebra mussel:
they float from the ballast and hustle
to breed round the pipes
(how a pest earns his stripes)
in the great lakes' chill water ? no tussle.
"
"made for streets in the city (thus ""civic""),
not for highways, it's urban specific.
then boomers got older.
made bigger and bolder,
at high speed it's really terr-ivic.
"
"i'm the king, an inerrant declarant,
i decree: the queen's humor's aberrant.
i am dazed ? in a fog ?
since she named the prince smog,
to show him to be heir apparent.
"
"is a cowboy hat clue to the id
or the ego? a 10-gallon lid,
plus bluster and prattle
(all hat and no cattle?)
can't disguise you're a 10-year-old kid.
"
"said my phobically cautious old gramps,
""coin collecting's the hobby for champs.
you keep small shiny disks,
and they harbor no risks
like the paper-cut danger of stamps.""
"
"pithy rhymes, sparkly wit, never dim,
full of whimsy, not needing a trim:
he's precise, a ""just so"" gent,
his verse terse and cogent ?
no surplus of words in his lim!
"
"where are you? on which side of the pond?
will the verb that you choose correspond
when collective nouns fall:
is they one? are they all?
while the jury is/are waiting, beyond.
"
"if smoothies get boring, for sure,
amazonian fruit is the cure!
mango's so yesterday;
pomegranate? pass?.
the a?a?'s the fad juice du jour.
"
"the chinese have a  calendar buzzin'
with a critter each year. (there's a dozen.)
are there only twelve fates
for folks born on those dates?
it's as dumb as its zodiac cousin.
"
"their composure no question provokes ?
just a cluster of scripted jamokes
(cluster's just half the word)
who serve sound bites absurd.
the whole bunch who debate: running jokes.
"
"the tactful romantics held back,
never saying, ""yo, she got a rack!""
hear lord byron, who sighs:
cloudless climes, starry skies ...
you can translate it: great in the sack.
"
"the fault with the room that i took,
in the cheapest hotel i could book?
""hello, front desk? i think ?
got a leak in my sink.""
""go ahead,"" he said, ""no one will look.""
"
"copywriter? i am, but implore
you, i'm not just a hack, i'll be more.
i am keeping this gig
till i hit it real big:
there's a screenplay inside my top drawer.
"
"first shred three cups of coconut meat,
add one cup condensed milk (this is sweet),
then vanilla and salt,
almond ? bake and exalt
macaroons ? families swoon at this treat.
"
"it's a ""firm,"" just the right appellation:
tight accounting, with no deviation.
it says there's no budging,
no dubious fudging,
just the numbers with no vacillation.
"
"i coin words. it is bred in my genes;
i'll invent one, then say what it means.
my latest, a jewel,
is bastafazool ?
tuscan soup that has just enough beans.
"
"i aspire to run a 10k;
and today is the day, come what may.
i'll endure all the trials
for six-point-two miles ?
with a pause for a luncheon, midway.
"
"coeur d'alene is an idaho town
that's achieved a fair share of renown:
there's  a hole (by and large)
that floats on a barge,
so golfers can watch their balls drown.
"
"it's our tribal oath: do as commanded,
by demands will our band be expanded.
no matter the odds,
what's been planned by the gods?
oops. they ask that our tribe be disbanded.
"
"most persistent of all the requesters,
chester pleads and cajoles, even pesters.
his entreaties are shunned
by this open-end fund,
which is closed ? doesn't take new investors.
"
"it's her club-hopping night, ""let's go bopping!""
drags her friends pub to pub, hardly stopping.
""the dancing's not grueling,
'cause martinis are fueling!"" ?
'til they carry her home nearly dropping.
"
"the cop said, ""your license does say
'must wear glasses' right here, plain as day.""
""i've got contacts,"" i said,
and his face turned bright red.
""i don't care who you know, you will pay!""
"
"my 8-page report was ill-fated:
got spilled on the floor, not collated.
i must rake up the leaves,
that is, bring in the sheaves ?
put in orderly form, 1-to-8'd.
"
"chambered nautilus teaches, i find:
you can grow in your life, in your mind.
but you'll fail (to be blunt)
if you focus in front
but neglect to seal off what's behind.
"
"the cosmogonist scoffs, ""your defiance
of the data observed is reliance
on biblical tracts ?
just study the facts;
you'll get a big bang out of science.""
"
"read leviticus; you'll see it shows
that  cloven hoof beasts (with two toes)
are unclean as the mud
if they do not chew cud ?
they are treyf, and unsafe. don't eat those.
"
"put a ball on the tee, draw a bead ?
don't break wrists, let your  arms take the lead.
you'll hit straight, true and fair
if at impact you're square.
lots of clubhead speed's now what you need.
"
"in l.a., almost everyone thinks
that the best chili dog comes from pink's.
no one ever sees flaws in
dyspepsia-causin'
junky food that (nutritionally) stinks.
"
"the testing, i know, makes you squirrelly;
the process (at best) leaves you surly.
grit your teeth. be tenacious.
it is most efficacious:
colon cancer's detectable early.
"
"in a brooklynite's heart there's a void
ever since ebbets field was destroyed.
though it's just us old codgers
who remember our dodgers,
to tear down a temple's absoid.
"
"a cosmologist might be the kind
who scientifically probes with his mind,
how'd this universe start?
or another, whose heart
believes biblical stories, faith-blind.
"
"new in film school with something to prove?
out to show the world you've got a groove?
sorry, kid, the whole room
laughed out loud at each zoom ?
sometimes none is the best camera move.
"
"i wish i could speak smooth as butter,
but my words jumble up in a clutter.
i'd sing, never mutter,
free flow without flutter ?
except for this damnable st- st- st- st-
"
"compound eyes (such as those found in bees)
use hundreds of lenses. ""one sees,""
said a beehive optician,
""this complex condition
needs specs beyond my expertise.""
"
"a coprolith, harder than bone,
started off as plain poop, turned to stone.
it's a rock in your gut;
to remove, probe your ? but
wait a sec, here's that doctor's home phone!
"
"i saw saucers with bright-colored lighting ?
please report in that column you're writing;
then your readers will find
i'm not out of my mind ?
it's exciting you're citing my sighting.
"
"how colloquially we converse ?
are we formal or ""normal"" or worse?
we draw linguistic borders
to define social orders,
as in, ""yo, move yer car, you dumb [curse].""
"
"in the lounge, the convention begins:
slapping backs, swapping handshakes and grins.
seeking babbitts? you got 'em.
the conventioneer: spot him?
there, festooned with his badges and pins.
"
"no more wagers in poolrooms. i'm through.
here's  a shark who knew just what to do.
i am facing a shot
which he knows i ain't got.
i'll kill time just by chalking my cue.
"
"what's a country club? golfing and sport?
all those wasps with whom strivers consort,
social climbin' and nudgin'?
or is it a bludgeon
for countries we do not support?
"
"in the lim-writing, workshopping games,
some work will get shot down in flames
because you went along
with consistently wrong
sugs from ? oops. (i will mention no names.)
"
"citation's the glossary norm:
we group words by this lexical form.
you'll find am, is, were, was,
been, and are are abuzz,
like a hive full of be's in a swarm.
"
"it was john c. calhoun, r.i.p.,
as a u.s. v.p. from s.c.,
who said, ""laws we create
can be nixed by each state,
so i'm keeping my slaves. q.e.d.""
"
"ancient romans tried twice to enthrone him ?
cincinnatus resigned. he had shown 'em
how to serve a great cause.
no one mentions his flaws:
de mortuis nil nisi bonum.
"
"watermelons are sweet, yes indeedy,
and so big! they're just right if you're greedy.
yet, podunk to paris,
citrullus vulgaris
is thought common, and just a bit seedy.
"
"""fishing season's, amigo, upon us:
the chance to catch herring has drawn us
to the cold. pitch our tent ?
okay, pancho?"" ""let's went,
if it's cisco we want ? coregonus!""
"
"the commandment said, ""thou shalt not covet.""
what a ludicrous rule ? let's just shove it!
legislate no desire?
by decree, bank the fire,
and pretend there's no want. don't ya love it?
"
"doing ""honeydew"" jobs, every weenie'll
complain that such work makes him menial,
but i check off each chore,
smiling, asking for more:
masochistic, or merely congenial?
"
"coin collector? your moment sublime:
sorting pocket change, time after time,
and then sudden success ?
beholding an s
on a real 1894 dime.
"
"a big spender, by every account,
spews his cash like a currency fount.
he acts flashy and loud
to win love from the crowd ?
it's the style, and not just the amount.
"
"a path to her  door boys will trample
since at 14 she's visibly ample.
the amplest, i'd bet,
of her underage set ?
and one that they're eager to sample.
"
"when a fellow's described as clean cut,
he's well-scrubbed and a tidiness nut ?
a fastidious boy,
clearly mom's pride and joy.
in short, he's a pain in the butt.
"
"every oven has heat ? that's a given,
but oven designers have striven
to harness convection,
and heat to perfection
much faster, 'cause hot air is driven.
"
"boring marriage? ah, well, that's the rub. he
was once very sociable. clubby.
then stylish, now grubby,
he's widened to ""stubby,""
a pleasant but dull chubby hubby.
"
"at a closing, the interests will clash
if a seller begins acting rash,
but the folks who are buyin'll
know the statement makes final
who owns what, and who pays how much cash.
"
"all the clothes in my closet? forsaken.
a new nudist, i had them all taken
to the used clothing store ?
they will hang here no more!
oh, but what if i want to fry bacon?
"
"with class consciousness, feelings run deep:
who's a loser, who's top of the heap.
but regardless of station,
here's unification:
morning algebra? all of us sleep!
"
"don't be fooled by that ""dead"" seed you've seen:
cotyledon, pushed out by some gene,
arrives to unfold
a leaf-cup of gold;
growing bold, goes directly to green.
"
"life's complexity causes us trouble,
like those billions of years seen from hubble.
to be ""faith-based"" is pleasin',
more than troublesome reason ?
not allowed in our bullet-proof bubble.
"
"does your social security check's
cost-of-living adjustment perplex?
if it shrinks from deflation,
could you suffer starvation?
diet-cola-induced ill effects?
"
"the contestants don't have sweaty palms;
they're five-year-olds, having no qualms
while competing for beauty
in  pageants. their duty:
vicarious thrills for their moms.
"
"it's an irish bean stew, and it's hearty;
a big potful will feed a whole party.
but stop, by design,
at bean two-thirty-nine ?
add one more and it would be too farty.
"
"one gets famished completing 5k,
but i know a nice sidewalk caf? ?
i'll continue the race
at this blistering pace,
after steak and a fine cabernet.
"
"being closed-door's our way to convey
our wish: no reporters today.
an open-door policy
we'd call pure folly, see?
our chairman declares: go away.
"
"an investor should see a red flag
at a firm with the closely held tag;
a minority share
in the ownership there?
they hold power; you're holding the bag.
"
"a raccoon may look cute, but take care;
you may want to make friends, but beware;
seems benign (in your yard),
but don't let down your guard:
a coon's nasty, has claws ? it's a bear!
"
"you are sure i'll throw heat, and you itch
to unload on my fast ball. i switch
to my change-up, that fooler ?
same release, but much cooler ?
my perceptual son of a pitch.
"
"his paintings in florence are shown,
but giovanni cimabue is known
for winning fame's lotto
as teacher of giotto ?
not so much for work done on his own.
"
"i am vexed. this collection of specks may
show my chest looking bad on my x-ray.
i observed, ""lungs look blurry,
unpleasingly furry,""
so had them retouched by the next day.
"
"""a cordotomy treatment's too drastic!""
that's my doc and his view's inelastic.
but if pain's gone forever
when you surgically sever
some spinal cord fibers? fantastic!
"
"accumulation means building a stash
in that period (not acting rash)
when you save and acquire
so that you can retire
with a nest egg of comforting cash.
"
"i tried to define countersunk
as ""the past tense of basin."" what bunk!
my sink in the kitchen
set eyelid to twitchin' ?
did i wink at my sink? yes, i wunk.
"
"with cacao, the content unlocks
the secret to what makes great chocs:
above 50 percent,
i'm cacao content;
under 40? discard the whole box!
"
"as i age, i grow glumly reflective,
self-absorbed by my tissues connective.
i'm not so good bendin'
each ossified tendon,
since aspirin is now ineffective.
"
"to describe the gestalt of a firm,
corporate culture's a most useful term.
are they noble, rapacious,
uplifting, voracious?
or sleazebags who make us all squirm?
"
"masculinity comes with a set
of rules real men can never forget.
suppose that your weenie
is shockingly teeny:
you must run out and buy a corvette.
"
"it's the meanest thing on my agenda ?
i assemble my list of delenda:
this to blot, this erase,
this destroy, this replace.
wipe them out, make them pay, no surrenda!
"
"on their parents, all teens are reliant:
why, an hour a day they're compliant!
as they bolt down their food,
they're not thoughtless or rude ?
23/24ths, they're defiant.
"
"the head of state's acting  despotic;
he's perhaps even border psychotic.
his response ? beyond cruel
if you question his rule ?
says he's squashing the unpatriotic.
"
"in order to not be divisive,
at a minimum, don't be derisive
of one side or belief,
or you'll soon come to grief ?
better neutral than wrongly decisive.
"
"when there's sediment, heavy or scant,
hold your bottle, uncorked, at a slant,
pour it off with great care
in a vessel ? prepare
to enjoy the fine wine you decant.
"
"by the evil ones i am pursued,
so my shelter must always include
distilled water so pure
that for years i'll endure,
reconstructing dehydrated food.
"
"can deoxyribonucleoproteins
yield a cloth made of denim? by no means!
you might hydrolyze cotton,
take the dna gotten ?
you still won't be cloning some mo' jeans!
"
"in the judgment of one alex pope,
""that poet's a hack beyond hope:
i declare colley cibber
a dunce and a fibber,
our first poet laureate dope.""
"
"your new job as a preschoolers' mentor
offers danger as soon as you enter:
you must now come to terms
with the  deluge of germs
that's endemic to each day care center.
"
"debaters will beat a dead horse,
(metaphorically speaking of course).
not a  four-legged steed ?
though they nag, yes indeed,
to belabor their reasons, perforce.
"
"the elite? that's the top 10%.
but the pits? as i make my descent
from the top to assess, i'll
explore every decile ?
nine groups down, to where losers lament.
"
"he's perverse (insufficiently nursed?) ?
snaps and  snarls at the world. is he cursed?
there is no trace of mirth;
he's a crosspatch from birth.
our department-store santa's the worst!
"
"the declarer confessed with great class,
""yes, i killed my bridge partner, alas.
while i'm sorry he died,
it was all justified:
i bid 'two clubs.' and then 'pass.' 'pass.' 'pass.'""
"
"the kids in my class get my goat,
like the day i explained that denote
means ""define."" ""could it be
one whole tone above c?""
asked the smart ass in class i'll demote.
"
"""dairy cattle,"" said rancher o'keefe,
""are for milk and for cheese, not for beef.
every  butcher soon learns he
can't chop up a guernsey,
or his pot roast will soon come to grief.""
"
"use a ""minced oath,"" don't stick out your neck ?
why say hell when there's blazes or heck?
we're too often harangued
by goddamned ? let's use danged,
dratted, deuced ? to keep swearing in check.
"
"dactylopius beetles reveal,
when you crush them, a dye, cochineal.
it's  a deep scarlet hue
from a natural brew.
to turn cotton bright red, it's ideal.
"
"as a chef to the town's upper crust,
i prepared the great feasts they degust.
till i served them one night
chicken tartar delight.
in one course, my career just went bust.
"
"note the rosary beads you detected
are displayed in the store close connected
to the candles ? you're liable
to select a nice bible
where some cross-selling's often expected.
"
"at first glance he appears deferential,
while assessing your social potential:
if you've wealth or renown,
watch his nose turn to brown ?
he'll be rude if you're inconsequential.
"
"it is denser than bone, tell the truth,
constituting the bulk of your tooth.
keep healthy your dentin
or you'll be lamentin'
the loss of your tooth if it's looth.
"
"he got stewed and then romped in the nude
which was not construed shockingly lewd.
""you're so elderly, dude,
your decrepitude's viewed
not so much to be booed as pooh-poohed.""
"
"he lacks chops, and his beat's a disgrace,
and here's music we just have to face:
the lad with the fender
has gone on a bender ?
now there's one bass guitar to replace.
"
"decomposable things waste away.
they can crumble, break down, or decay
to constituent parts.
on the other hand, arts
remain permanent. bach's here to stay.
"
"i'm distressed that the person addressed
knows you know what i sent, 'cause he guessed
you received a blind copy.
i'll attest i was sloppy ?
from my zest to confess, unsuppressed.
"
"the mob's shouting down his denial,
their outburst disrupting the trial.
his lawyer, now fearing
he's losing his hearing,
shuts his ears to the noisy decrial.
"
"making cars? they have proved maladroit,
choosing badly which trends to exploit.
they've been brought to their knees
cranking out suvs.
blame the schmucks making trucks in detroit.
"
"as a necrophile, death is erotic;
my viewpoint most see as psychotic.
sip this poison ? one slurp'll
turn you fetchingly purple.
i adore lovely lips cyanotic.
"
"eighteen-nine, second month, the twelfth day,
he was born. we may no longer say
that our thinking's enslaved.
by his mind we've been saved:
fear and ignorance have to give way.
"
"s'poze the zombies break out in revolt,
or the undead wake up with a jolt?
slide your deadbolt in place ?
lock your door; do not face
the great dread when you see the dead bolt.
"
"resolved: we'll give each detainee
an aggressively strong third degree.
we're admired because
we're a nation of laws,
and we'll torture who dares disagree.
"
"in this circular-walled cyclorama,
a tableau: the life of obama.
while the pictures aren't real,
in the center we feel
what it's like in the heart of the drama.
"
"""for defense,"" rocky made this recital,
""build a tower of pebbles. it's vital.""
but he ran into trouble ?
no cement ? now it's rubble.
rocky's rocks in that field are detrital.
"
"every desk sergeant casts a cold eye
on the wacko parade passing by.
in his precinct, he blinks
at the cretins and finks ?
he'll go home for some drinks, by and by.
"
"a correctional prison gives hope
that reflectional felons will cope,
grow kind, learn a trade,
watch their bad habits fade.
yeah right. just don't pick up the soap.
"
"i am eager, my efforts unceasing
to succeed at the laundry i'm leasing.
at washing and rinsing
my talent's convincing ?
but my ironing skills are decreasing.
"
"for revenge, i am coding a hack
to give my ex-bosses a smack.
their site will get stressed
by my billionth request:
a denial-of-service attack.
"
"if a med student's noxiously rude,
and perceived by his classmates as crude,
he's got reason to fear
that revenge might be near
as some croton oil dropped in his food.
"
"from my showerhead hot water springs,
well-contained by these waterproof things:
on a frame overhead,
plastic sheeting (bright red)
is suspended from ten curtain rings.
"
"bouncing betty ? invention so grim
it will tear you apart, limb from limb.
it's a land mine  that goes
bouncing waist-high, then blows.
the inventor? let's test it on him.
"
"the allure of no husband entices:
she claims that no lover suffices.
""even if he is skilled?
will you be unfulfilled?""
""oh, just leave me to my own devices.""
"
"will our torture plans ever be viable?
ask our lawyers (who seem very pliable).
""go ahead. use the rack
since we're under attack.""
just in case, make our orders deniable.
"
"when i get all my data to jibe,
my demography studies describe
naught specific to you,
but about your whole crew,
your cohort, your zip code or tribe.
"
"our display all year round stays erect;
people question, but then we reflect
that there's really no danger
in a permanent manger ?
just a creche course in statue neglect.
"
"the chaos we make is just wondrous,
our cannons and muskets are thunderous!
on a rampage, we pillage
the once-quiet village ?
depredatory, noisy and plunderous!
"
"while in dagestan, don't tell a joke
that denigrates gun-toting folk.
vengeance blooms on demand
in this caucasus land:
you're a stranger in town. don't provoke.
"
"if they're stylish, my car will come crashin':
i mow down the well-dressed; it's my passion.
till it's cancelled some day,
car insurance will pay
for my trend-smashin' ? after a fashion.
"
"picture broccoli, families, trees:
what's the thing that unites all of these?
many branches that grow
from a trunk down below:
it's a dendriform shape that one sees.
"
"you say you're delirious, so
just keep talking, because i don't know
if you're dizzy with joy
like a boy with a toy,
or near dead 'cause your head took a blow.
"
"""that mess looks unclean, on the verge
of toxicity, so we should purge
his gut,"" said the surgeon.
we followed his urgin':
""get fluids ? it's time to deterge.""
"
"""don't know why it's a cylinder block.""
""well, it's square-ish."" ? ""not square."" ? ""that's a crock.""
""sure, the pistons are round.""
""but that lumpy surround ...""
""close enough!"" ? ""euclid's gone into shock.""
"
"your seduction attempts i will cumber
with parries and ploys without number.
you assume i am coy,
you presumptuous boy ?
i prefer to be solo in slumber.
"
"if your plane's going down (say your prayers),
or a bear market decimates shares,
or you're trippin' while joggin'
and bonkin' your noggin:
that's descending, like nudes on the stairs.
"
"smell that odor? it's hard to define,
but that whiff ain't teriff ? it's a sign:
the corrupting display
of self-pity's decay.
put a cork in that bottle of whine.
"
"in dermoplasty, grafting of skin
can replace nasty scars on your chin.
could a skilled plastic surgeon
make you once more a virgin,
fool a groom who's obsessed about sin?
"
"verbal bombs my opponents may lob,
since i changed what i said to the mob.
i evade today, deviously,
things i said previously:
hypocrisy goes with the job.
"
"demogorgon's a deity vile,
in the hideous, frightening style.
he's unspeakable terror ?
except ? he's an error.
and to think we were scared all this while.
"
"see him trudge down the road, badly slowed
by a box of big rocks, his back bowed.
but unwilling to swoon,
he'll deonerate soon:
dump the contents, be free of the load.
"
"culottes are not skirts, but you got 'em
cause they flatter your cute little bottom.
a gemstone is set
on its flattened culet ?
""little asses"" on jewelry? you'll spot 'em!
"
"said a preacher called dollar bill bob,
""i am blessed with a credulous mob.
i'll be conjuring devils
from all underworld levels.
tax-free income ? a hell of a job.""
"
"it's a death chamber, life's final page
for convicts, regardless of age
or iq, of both sexes ?
i'm talking 'bout texas ?
other places don't share the same rage.
"
"folks in iowa tend to hate spice,
and garlic they think is ""not nice.""
for those in that land,
the bland leading the bland,
salt and pepper are thought to suffice.
"
"a decorated soldier named lou
displays ribbons right out the wazoo.
medals, too, show him blessed;
they cascade down his chest.
on his butt, a pink pansy tattoo.
"
"dexter's sinister, right? gauche? complex!
seems his sailboats are left with a hex:
he must dexterously right
all his ships, day and night.
why the wrecks? it's enough to perplex.
"
"they live high with the greatest of ease,
not on buildings or mountains (they'd freeze!)
but up trunks (where they're fitter).
each dendrophilous critter
finds habitat up in the trees.
"
"put a light on your wheel's outer border;
lend your girlfriend your mini-recorder.
that equipment employed'll
show patterns cycloidal ?
if you ride straight across and not toward her.
"
"the  delaney clause toughened the laws,
kept out additives known to have flaws.
it seemed like an answer
to cut down on cancer,
when they're shown as a probable cause.
"
"""am i blue? am i blue? ain't these tears
in my eyes tellin' you?"" it appears
yes indeed, that's your hue.
cyanometer: true!
(so's your mood, as you're stewed on ten beers.)
"
"in your verse, decasyllable meter
can be made to sound brutal, or sweeter.
epic tale of great length?
or a joke? ten-syl strength
can adapt to flow slower, or fleeter.
"
"the chef here has not proved suggestible:
each comestible stays indigestible.
his raw duck canap?
drove the diners away,
and his corn flakes flamb? was detestable.
"
"a demonstrative man ought not play
texas hold 'em, because he'd be prey
to the sharks who observe
every twitch of a nerve.
yelling ""wowie!"" would give him away.
"
"wrote the lawyer who filed a demurral,
objecting to any deferral,
""this is clearly abuse
of bullwinkle moose,
my client. [signed] rocket j. squirrel.""
"
"when the general fast was declared,
the bakery owner despaired:
""the state has denied
your right to live pied,
croissanted, becookied, eclaired!""
"
"my career as a standup got brighter
when i grew to be more of a fighter.
the hecklers get torn
by my withering scorn.
for my audience, that's a delighter.
"
"look before you repair ? be precise
as you study that complex device.
does the outer case hide
what you might see inside?
pictured here, a cross-sectional slice.
"
"we'll be red-faced if we run aground
on a sand bar or undersea mound.
so our depth finder shows
how far down sonar goes.
not sounding's extremely unsound.
"
"if his trigger gets twitched, then my life'll
be threatened ? a bullet's no trifle.
to a man in high dudgeon
the butt end's a bludgeon ?
beware of both ends of the rifle.
"
"i am music, to soothe savage breast,
calm your jittery nerves, let you rest.
i can lower your pulse,
for i'm here to demulce ?
it's my job, dude. it's what i do best.
"
"yes, cultural diversity's why
i live where i live, because i
love all ethnic cuisines:
tacos, pho, collard greens,
paprikash, vindaloo, tom yum gai ...
"
"he was ignorant, not just immoral:
tried to poison his wife via floral
substitution of leaf
in her bourguignon beef,
poinsettia in place of bay laurel.
"
"it may sound very cool, but it's scary ?
things get cheaper, but we should be wary:
since prices are dropping,
folks wait to go shopping.
these deflationary times aren't too merry.
"
"in dermatopolyneuritis,
pink hands and pink feet should excite us
to diagnose poison
(namely mercury) boys 'n
girls have consumed. that should fright us.
"
"call them french fries, or pommes frites or chips.
good with catsup or mayo for dips.
the best gave us crispiness,
not bendable wispiness.
now we cause an eclipse with our hips.
"
"extra syllables? lard in a few;
pick, pretentiously, four versus two.
we denunciate now ?
not denounce ? to show how
we are formally pissed off at you.
"
"san francisco's famed cable cars creep
up some hills that make acrophobes weep.
""get a grip"" is their hope
as they head down the slope;
the declivitous street is so steep.
"
"let my voice rise to soar like a bird,
speaking lyrics that angels have heard.
let none be defamatory,
instead, all declamatory!
ooh, my prompter went bust. gots no word.
"
"you're the word choice police, in dismay
'cause i said ""deaf-and-dumb"" here today.
is my language too brutal?
will your shouting be futile?
i can't hear you, and, no, cannot say.
"
"she seems humble, demissive, and mild.
shyly downcast, a penitent child.
after shots of tequila?
a whole different deal, a
crazed bench-clearing brawler gone wild!
"
"late at night in the bearded clam dorm,
the mollusks  would talk up a storm.
""let us dance!"" each one begs,
""no more tendrils, real legs!""
too bad cirriform wisps are the norm.
"
"i know pork in my diet's unsafe ?
but i stray from the rules if they chafe.
feed me bagels and lox if i
need to detoxify
the fallout from yesterday's treif.
"
"as a banker, i get to decide
who's creditworthy, thus to provide
the cold cash you express
would relieve your distress.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. denied.
"
"at the concert, our armchairs were nifty ?
we resisted the urge to be thrifty.
sitting near the clavier
to see bach's seat, and cheer,
in our box seats in 1750.
"
"war's over! demobilization
will follow the conflict's cessation.
pack their tents, turn in swords,
no more fighting ? move towards
a pacific and civilized nation.
"
"scary choices for medical folk:
decoagulants  after a stroke?
if his brain has a clot
use them now! but do not
if it's bleeding ? they'll just make him croak.
"
"i can hear iceman cometh drone on;
i'm tempted to sleep, patience gone.
let's unravel the knot
of this tedious plot;
long night's journey must reach denouement.
"
"what's a decimal place? it's a spot
to the right of that decimal dot.
there's an endless supply
after ""three point"" in pi.
but one-fourth or one-eighth? not a lot.
"
"often craftspeople learn skills in schools,
such as fashioning jewelry from jewels.
or the masters they serve
let them grow and observe.
we should credit the brains, not the tools.
"
"i went through a brief saucier phase,
made beurre blanc and bearnaise to amaze.
i can not roux the days
of my first velout?s,
or reducing a brown demi glaze.
"
"angle parking of cars is a breeze.
but cyclists object: they say, ""please!
those blind spots engendered
can get us de-fendered,
while you park with unparalleled ease.""
"
"in the worst nursing home in our town,
the unmoving old man, lying down,
has decubital sores
which the staff here ignores ?
spot the evidence: stains on his gown.
"
"""please don't tax us,"" the litany starts.
""your  spending is clear off the charts.
we'll give alms ? if we choose,
though they'll waste it on booze;
trust our well-chilled republican hearts.""
"
"u. s. grant said ""tarnation!""  affectedly,
as he sat in his saddle dejectedly.
""they surrendered; that's good.
but then not as they should ?
who rode up? sergeant schwartz! we expected lee.""
"
"it is not good advice, ""don't go gentle,""
if your life meets this one fundamental:
you've reached age 94,
got one foot out the door.
forget rage. life is now decremental.
"
"jealous critics attacked with great malice,
but she wowed 'em in each op'ra palace,
her great ""casta diva""
make skeptics  believe a
perfection was normal for callas.
"
"my new jailer, thank goodness, is bribable,
and results are so nicely describable:
i can praise the great eats,
sing of smuggled-in treats,
and his contraband rum is imbibable.
"
"watch darwinian fitness arrange
when some genotypes cope with a change,
while the others are trapped
when their genes don't adapt,
bloodlines apt to be snapped. very strange.
"
"find some words that mean ""lazy"" ? my quest.
how is indolent? slothful? this test
is clearly invidious,
and since i'm desidious,
i can't finish this verse. i must rest.
"
"when you're batting, your helmet's the gear
to protect when you're plunked in the ear
by the chin-music heat
cause you wouldn't retreat.
this is baseball. don't show any fear.
"
"in a metal frame, tourists embark
undersea; it's no walk in the park.
but no danger ?  cage diving
lures hammerheads, striving
to stage the attack of the shark.
"
"a real deckle edge made by hand
is labor-intensive but grand.
there are fakes, cut by dies,
we reject and despise.
random gouges are what we demand.
"
"in the ballroom, we make quite a pair,
because debbie, a creature so fair,
is a light-footed girl.
when i give her a whirl,
like a dream she will seem debonair.
"
"his daedalian device came undone:
an ingenious escape had begun,
till the intricate flaps
(like his judgment, perhaps)
flopped by coming too close to his son.
"
"eat the poor. a pragmatic solution
to erase all that vile destitution.
will this practical plan
be uplifting to man?
it depends on a swift execution.
"
"""all is natural. nothing is super-,""
says a deist. ""god's off in a stupor.
his indifference dismaying?
then don't bother praying
to an unconcerned deaf party pooper.""
"
"joining photo club's more than a lark:
i saw joan, she saw me, felt the spark.
seems we both got a charge
when i learned to enlarge.
what's developing here in the dark?
"
"there's a surgeon, the best in his craft:
when they challenged his skills, he just laughed.
with an ego so vast he
did a dermatoplasty,
a skin graft, while skiing. (he's daft.)
"
"let's consider the decacerata,
our ten-legged friends on that platter:
plump cuttlefish, squid
make a subtle dish, kid,
when they're fried after coating with batter.
"
"pity holland. each monochrome view,
every windmill and tree ? all so blue.
no, i've never been there
but my delft shows me where
my chromatic assumptions are true.
"
"cockney rhyming slang strangely persists,
forming terms with its tangles and twists.
grab and grip knife and fork;
make the rhyme, duke of york.
that's why ""put up your dukes"" is your fists.
"
"navigation seems cryptic and hazy,
made by programmers stupid or lazy.
the software's a beta,
an unfinished state; a
consumer who'd buy this is crazy.
"
"the defined-contribution plan trap:
just deduct fixed amounts ? it's a snap!
but there's no guarantee
how much money you'll see:
your retirement fund might be crap.
"
"the dimensions of space-time are four.
there may be, it is said, seven more.
what's a pain to explain
to the brain is a brane
that deforms in ways we can't explore.
"
"it's a word that quite melted away,
once was spoken, no longer in play.
a question of banishing?
no, more like a vanishing ?
 deliquate deliquated, i'd say.
"
"i stayed one step ahead of the law;
my chemistry skills had no flaw.
no designer drug batch
would identically match
what was banned. oh, the profits i saw!
"
"as my workday was trending much drearier,
i thought rum would make living much cheerier.
after downing a liter
i confess life is sweeter,
also legless and woozy and blearier.
"
"""i'm so stiff,"" said the girl, so i told her,
""i am too. let me help,"" feeling bolder.
her belt gave me welts ?
""what you felt ain't my delts.
the soreness is here in my shoulder!""
"
"choose deerskin, an excellent leather,
for gloves that outwear any weather.
make one then the next, thus,
left/right, bambidextrous,
handy pair that you just put together.
"
"whom the gods would destroy, they make mad:
become sad with what should make them glad.
once crazed, they fear strangers,
imagine great dangers,
see sin in a three-year-old lad.
"
"dr. d. said, ""it goes in the table.
decipium's real, not a fable!""
he said it's an element ?
we knew what the hell he meant ?
but back up his claim? we're unable.
"
"in the data center, safe from attack,
sits a dedicated server, in black.
it unceasingly runs
keeping zeros and ones
just for me. call it jeeves-on-a-rack.
"
"""it is crackers,"" mad magazine cried,
""to slip rozzers the dropsy in snide.""
this euphonious thought,
in each issue we bought,
made us giggle, all meaning aside.
"
"entomologists, speaking of flies,
can apprise why they rise to the skies.
they are dipterous, soar
on two wings, never four.
one or three, i surmise, means demise.
"
"the guitar-slinging singing sensation,
whose poster achieved veneration
enshrined by her bed
(for three weeks, it is said),
was demoted by delaceration.
"
"'round the campfire, we jesuits gather
and work ourselves into a lather:
""make natives more bible-wise;
our mission: detribalize!
we're agreed! end their cultural blather.""
"
"my findings may not seem poetic;
i reject what is merely aesthetic.
intuition is bunk;
wishful thinking is junk:
i strive to be dianoetic.
"
"not a boarding school boarder per se:
he's a day boy, i.e., doesn't stay.
foulest weather en route
can't deter his commute,
says his chauffeur, who drives him each day.
"
"""i will carve ? where's my knife? ? this big goose ?
sever this ? pull that leg ? drumstick's loose ?
sharper blade!"" he said pointedly,
if somewhat disjointedly,
""deconstruction? it's what i produce.""
"
"what, no wages? no stipend? no pay?
just how long can the bursar delay?
here's what my empty purse meant:
the need for disbursement!
both salary and bills ? due today!
"
"watch the drying-out process begin:
vital liquids get lost from within.
fallen leaves' desiccation
says ""moisture starvation.""
as for me, guess i'll give up on gin.
"
"your diplomacy often inspires
thoughts of selfish inveterate liars.
you use your immunity
to park with impunity,
so my mission's to puncture your tires.
"
"fluid ounces, pounds, measures like these
most folks globally see with unease.
understand cubic inch?
in the states, it's a cinch.
other places, think 16 cc's.
"
"the room was done louis quatorze
from the walls to the ceilings and floors.
but martha's despondent:
""what's discorrespondent
is that polka-dot pink chest of drawers.""
"
"dephlogisticated stuff cannot burn,
so combustion's no problem, we learn.
""magic flameproofs my hat,""
declared merlin, ""and that
makes phlogiston no more my concern.""
"
"no, not decasyllabic, since i'm
quite confined to use nine for this rhyme.
stuffing syllable ten
in a line now and then
i'd regard as a metrical crime.
"
"his museum's fierce dinosaur's straddled
by a smiling blond adam, ensaddled.
don't try controverting ?
the owner's asserting
that reason is worthless. (he's addled.)
"
"directionality: mikes will be hot
when aimed one way but otherwise not,
like antennas detect
what some others reject
when they're pointed away from a spot.
"
"can diversionary tactics command
your attention? of course ? that was planned.
get distracted in war,
business, dating, and more:
it's the secret to great sleight of hand.
"
"bill bixby, not given to skulk,
or suffer fools gladly, or sulk,
found rage to be valid,
transformed to a salad:
the verdant inedible bulk.
"
"i can argue my case so debatefully;
my opponents, alas, will speak hatefully.
all those scurrilous curs
make ad hominem slurs
since their wives jumped my bones ? ever gratefully.
"
"the plot twists were never predictive,
so his stories were very convictive.
that is, we're convinced
by the details evinced.
his yarn-spinning's gotten addictive!
"
"depreciation rates, set by the state,
say how fast we write off, by what date,
the tools that diminish
from start until finish ?
zero value's their ultimate fate.
"
"the craft at this pier are, well, short,
shallow-draft, tiny skiffs of some sort.
can my battleship yacht
use this dock? i think not.
i must look for a deep-water port.
"
"""sister lil,"" i said, ""please shut your gob.
it is hard to do work while you sob.
will uncle will's will
cause our lives to stand still?""
coexecutor's one endless job.
"
"""i'm not callous,"" said fred. ""i'm just fine.
it's efficiency right down the line.
if i started to weep
over one in the heap,
would my census neglect forty-nine?""
"
"the blood on the pavement just got to me,
since democracy matters a lot to me:
protesting iranians
became ball-and-chainians
for shouting out loudly: ""dichotomy!""
"
"staying home, scared to death of bacteria
is a browns fan from nearby elyria.
she shrieks:  team in trouble?
phantom turd in her bubble?
hard to say, with her double deliria.
"
"""the most interesting tool in my work
is the box wrench,"" he said with a smirk.
""'round your nuts it fits snug,
then just give it a tug:
you can twist them right off with one jerk!""
"
"it's divorce ? we're dissolving the bands.
i can't stand your unending demands.
when sleeping, you're snoring.
awake, mostly boring.
you expect me to blame dishpan hands?
"
"""are your fingers prepared for some lickin'?
try dis bistro for great boneless chicken.
dey will not disappoint,
how dey chop it."" ""disjoint?""
""are youse deaf? it's dis joint that i'm pickin'!""
"
"there's a vaguely disquietous air
as the camera pans up at the pair
in the rain-spattered cabin ?
someone soon will come grabbin'.
(cue the creaky door.) lights out! beware!
"
"a dittohead's glee never wanes;
it's a rush when his hero complains.
limbaugh might be absurd
but they buy every word:
punctuation transplanted for brains.
"
"the crusade that i'm here to announce
is to get all the world to pronounce
a-i: dye-ker-ee, see?
i-e: lanzh-er-ee. oui?
other versions i'm here to denounce.
"
"elections, it's surely worth noting,
demand reason and not just emoting.
our fair citizenship
may spring leaks, and then slip
'neath the waves. i blame pop ""idol"" voting.
"
"malcolm x stirred the pot when he spoke,
with words that he knew would provoke
both his black muslim crew
and the rest of us, too.
every speech scared the hell out of folk.
"
"i look calm while he rages all day;
you would think that my temper's at bay.
a delayed-action pill
has no impact until
outside coatings have melted away.
"
"in a triangle known to be right
the hypotenuse midpoint's the site:
circumcenter, a place
mid a circle we'll trace
where the polygon's points will alight.
"
"the peeping tom loved her physique?
climbed her tree to spy five days a week.
""but on weekends i rest
so i'll be at my best
since i like to perform at my peek.""
"
"you must envy the state that i'm in;
i was born without blemish or sin.
doc, i can't be included
among the deluded ?
i'm wealthy and charming and thin.
"
"the cranioplasty went well, an'
the bulge that was more than just swellin'
was chopped off my noggin
(i'm exultin' while bloggin').
the doc dumped the lump on my melon!
"
"to make tools that we use to make tools
takes a deep, precise grasp of the rules.
yes, it takes a real thinker
to be a die-sinker.
it's not a profession for fools.
"
"so i overbought schlock and i got a
shop chock full of frocks. this is not a
mere mess of a dress sale,
but a mammoth distress sale.
hey, eighty per cent off each schmatta!
"
"it's a spelling bee star: diphtheritic.
means diphtheria-like. be a critic:
you hear ""dip""? not terrif,
for it should be said ""diff"".
(the p-h is your clue analytic.)
"
"a split end from mobile applied
to play football for 'bama, full ride.
thirty pounds overweight.
runs the 40 five-eight.
was denied. wasn't fit to be tide.
"
"some sociolinguists may preach
there's vestigial post-creole speech.
if prestigial effect
makes one tongue ""more correct,""
a decreolization's in reach.
"
"""the studio's version is wrong;
my director's cut clearly is strong*.
i am sure you'll concur,""
said the shameless auteur.
*self-indulgent and overly long.
"
"a cycloid's a series of humps:
some adjoined curvilinear lumps.
my flatbush friend diz
says, ""youse know what dat is?
dat's a brooklyn boid's path as it jumps.""
"
"see the bubbles on top of your beer,
or the cheerio clumps that appear
in your milk where they float?
the effect that you note ?
surface tension's what makes them adhere.
"
"crm on my monitor glows
when a customer calls, as it shows
all her history, taste,
and the size of her waist ?
yes, i see her far more than she knows.
"
"baron m?nchhausen's stories bring glee,
'cause his tales and the truth don't agree.
the facts he would scorn
from the day he was born ?
was a liar, congenitally.
"
"the people we call refugees
a few decades ago were dps.
displaced persons choose life
as they migrate from strife,
civil war, famine, floods and disease.
"
"you swagger when leaving the bar
to impress all the girls, near and far,
but their focus soon flickers:
oh, those decals and stickers!
who paid you to crap up your car?
"
"use the thumbscrews, they say, 'til i squeal.
i'm a monster, a villain unreal.
deploration surrounds me ?
damnation astounds me!
i chopped up your kittens. big deal.
"
"what's a  decaliter? plenty, i think:
enough fluid to fill a small sink.
watch me demonstrate here
with ten liters of beer:
it will take me aaaaaaaall night to (burp) drink.
"
"the world lacks commercial appeal.
let's add plastic, and neatness, and zeal.
we need places well planned,
such as disneyland, bland,
and where nothing?no, nothing?is real.
"
"savor  two kinds of delicacies:
first are morsels of food bound to please.
next, gossip that's sly
served on slices of wry:
both are tidbits, one tasty, one sleaze.
"
"deplication is when you unplait,
cause the knot to untwist, become straight.
you'd undo origami,
de-turban a swami,
unfold proteins, umbrellas or fate.
"
"beelzebub's dinner's a steak
charred to black, and a thick chocolate shake.
only dark foods suffice,
so dessert is a slice
of rich ebony devil's food cake.
"
"i have pain in my gut. what a pickle.
the proctologist said, ""let's not stickle.
shed your pants and your shirticle;
i'll find your diverticle ?
little pouch filled with ick. this won't tickle.""
"
"was dick cheney described as benignant,
thoughtful, kindly and warm? i'm indignant!
for bp he meant well,
likewise exxon and shell.
but his legacy's clearly malignant.
"
"i should point out i don't want a poke
from you pointlessly spear-totin' folk.
and there's no need to harp
on the cuspal and sharp
pointed end of your blade. and your joke.
"
"some containerized cargo's on trains,
when transferred from a ship by big cranes.
or on trucks, where each load'll
be pure intermodal,
no matter what each box contains.
"
"deviationism marks you a splitter;
party stalwart turned into a quitter.
the collective has voted
to have you demoted
from the penthouse straight out to the shitter.
"
"a diacope, also called tmesis,
cuts a word into two distinct pieces.
a new word's injected;
the meaning's protected ?
in fact, interest in-freakin'-creases.
"
"i'm struck speechless, can't utter a peep.
seems our national gene pool ain't deep.
unaware, as a whole,
says this dumbfounding poll ?
29% can't name our veep!
"
"my girlfriend's a ghost. oh, don't fear it;
that howling means love. can you hear it?
my sweetie's discarnate ?
can't feel her, gosh darn it.
i've learned that you can't spear a spirit.
"
"i asked len, ""won't you give me a hint
why your photo is odd?"" ""it's by dint
of a  chromism flaw,
adding colors you saw.""
so len's lens lends a curious tint.
"
"if a guy wants to rent it, it's loanable.
take a knife to a chicken? it's boneable.
thus it follows, of course,
q.e.d., and perforce,
if i gave it away, it was donable.
"
"our shrinks have examined your pad
and the swastikas drawn there, my lad.
those daggers you doodle
say inside your noodle
you're probably stark raving mad.
"
"what our fantasy board game provides:
the idea that fate rides on tides.
watch the tumbling dance
of what's shaping our chance:
decahedrons  ? our dice have ten sides.
"
"al-jazeera won't show on my cable,
and the system says: not on the table.
they fear my whole tribe
will en masse unsubscribe.
are we viewers so wholly unstable?
"
"he is billy, the sox' goat-too name:
mr. buckner achieved lasting fame
for his wicket misplay.
though he's cursed to this day,
it's a shame he takes blame for that game.
"
"take a look at this face carved in stone:
downcast eyes, jutting lip, what is shown?
each subservient feature'll
declare that he's creatural.
he can't be divine ? he's a drone!
"
"definitely state what you see.
offer proof and i'm sure to agree.
you are certain, no doubt
of what's in and what's out,
so set limits; declare ""q.e.d.""
"
"a delight of the french demi-monde
is a belle of whom verdi was fond.
was la traviata
half-sinful? no, not a
wee bit, as her stalwarts respond.
"
"when the missile went wobbly, we ducked,
and i ordered: ""proceed with destruct!
don't just sit there, you dunce ?
push the button at once!
if it falls on our heads, we'll be ? out of lucked!""
"
"at nascar, the crew chiefs are czars
who manage their lead-footed stars,
those guys who prove deft
turning left left left left,
plus the guys who bolt wheels on the cars.
"
"detritivorous insects will choose
to eat garbage that we would refuse.
decay hits the spot!
they feed upon rot ?
like reporters on eyewitness news.
"
"at the burn center, turnover's high;
nurses beg to tell this job goodbye.
for the ones who remain,
black humor for pain
is the solace on which they rely.
"
"""it's half full,"" says the optimist, bob.
""it's half empty,"" says gloomy gus. (sob!)
engineers, when consulted,
said, ""the whole mess resulted
from a vessel too large for the job.""
"
"i vowed poverty. savings then shrunk.
and obedience? source of my funk.
but all of my pain went
away with derainment,
since chastity sucks for a monk.
"
"there's a seaside vacation i crave
now bin laden's not safe in some cave.
i am noting with glee
he was buried at sea.
to the ocean! let's dance on his grave.
"
"a degressive proportional scheme
makes allotments for parliament's team.
there's a maximum share;
others decrease from there
to a sum at the bottom extreme.
"
"for your pay-per-click ads, this advice:
you'll entice with words laser-precise.
returns not terrific?
use search terms specific ?
readers click through.  you won't mind the price.
"
"diarrhoeic infirmity hits!
and again! he has feverish fits
which are energy-draining
and underwear staining.
his caboose? fast and loose. it's the pits.
"
"when the first sheets seemed overly blue,
the pressman computed the hue.
""we would ? back in the day ?
guess at cmyk.
densitometers keep colors true.""
"
"for begonias and tulips, the norm
is a bulb as opposed to a corm.
dissections inform us
which flowers are cormous:
when halved, a corm's solid in form.
"
"it lacks salt? you can add in some more.
but subtraction's a trickier chore.
want to desalt your bisque?
add a spud without risk ?
it soaks up, you discard, whisk and pour.
"
"said king lear with a hint of a frown,
""i'll surrender my kingship and crown.
no sons to inherit,
just dothren  to wear it.
they're good girls. they won't let me down.""
"
"if it's clinoid, it's shaped like a bed.
take the sphenoid bone found in your head:
most anatomists swear
certain processes there
resemble a bunk or a sled.
"
"in biology class, naughty marge
was quizzed by the teacher, ""your charge:
define cytomegalic.""
she guessed, ""big and phallic?""
""no! of cells grown abnormally large.""
"
"see, a cytostome's part of a blob
that's a uni-cell critter: its gob.
uses phagocytosis ?
can't eat by osmosis!
it's a mouth. that's the hole of its job.
"
"to roland and coco i spoke
of a tree in the yard of some bloke,
how its height would impress,
""it's an ash tree?"" (their guess.)
""no it isn't, ro, coco. burr oak!""
"
"were we born with twelve fingers and toes,
the numbers our ancestors chose
would have dozen-ly tilt ?
not be decimally built,
and gloves would cost more, i suppose.
"
"the carpool lane speeds our commute
while reducing the trend to pollute.
it's more pleasant by far
to have two in the car:
my blowup doll passenger's cute!
"
"commutability's when you can switch
x for 10, nook for niche, hitch for glitch.
transmute specter to shade,
make a substitute, trade,
bucks for clams, ax for axe, slant for pitch.
"
"that's a buzzard, perhaps, in the sky,
or a vulture, or even a fly.
your choice is elective,
reflecting perspective:
you say dove, 'cause there's love in your eye.
"
"disinfection's the promise i need.
and this package proclaims i'll succeed:
""99% dead!""
but this sparks a new dread:
what will come when the 1% breed?
"
"delibation, a word that meant ""taste,""
is long gone, but i might add in haste
that, since full pots seem ample,
we cooks always sample,
ensuring that food goes to waist.
"
"hear this wisdom, inspired and pure:
you have problems, and i have the cure.
do i dogmatize? yes!
but my sermons all stress
that i'm thoroughly, totally sure.
"
"they were beetles, exploring. she purred,
""what a view, here with you ? like a bird!
you're so virile and young, will
you conquer this dunghill?""
""excelsior! just one more turd!""
"
"noam chomsky debunked b. f. skinner
as he learned from each toddler beginner
that our brains are hard-wired;
there's no training required ?
grammar's sources aren't outer, but inner.
"
"is it time for your dethronization?
lose your crown, cut you down, my relation?
indecision's my bane ?
how it dogs this great dane!
bump off claudius, risking damnation?
"
"true, the bible commands ""do not covet,""
but i can't say that i am above it.
like when mrs. gabor
and her servants next door
tan outside in the nude, i just love it!
"
"up the charles, ann and roslyn got tossed in,
and they breaststroked from cambridge to boston.
""we got lost 'n kept swimmin',""
said the two weary women,
""it was slimmin', if wicked exhaustin'.""
"
"explication is when you make sense
of what's muddy or complex or dense.
you explain, take a bow.
pellucidity's how
to dispense what is what, why and whence.
"
"your sitcom's a wordy rendition.
every cast member speaks of his mission.
there's not enough fun
in episode one ?
your script has too much exposition.
"
"pyromaniacs never desire
an extinguisher snuffing their fire.
their passionate yearning ?
perpetual burning ?
gets chilled should the pyre expire.
"
"i vellicate, hearing you speak ?
your prolixity's such bad technique.
eschew obfuscation.
prefer dilucidation ?
at least translate those words from the greek.
"
"the confederate flag has allure
if you're bigoted, southern, and poor.
sprayed on teenagers' trucks
(if their style is ku klux)
it's a statement that shouts, ""immature!""
"
"one belief that is central to deism
is denial of ""gosh-he-chose-me"" -ism.
god won't intervene
in your personal scene:
it's a case of divine absenteeism.
"
"is she sixty? her looks are her pride.
maybe seventy? coiffed like a bride.
or eighty? confess!
how can each raven tress
keep its youthful appeal? ""well, i dyed.""
"
"""he was devilishly clever,"" she said,
""very witty, ingenious, well-read.
must an angel then plod,
seem (by contrast) a clod,
sadly humorless, clumsily lead?""
"
"famous units of pressure: the bar,
plus decimal cousins who are
called decibar (wee),
and milli- (q.v.),
the well-known barometer star.
"
"could a cubic kilometer hold
all the gold that has ever been sold?
thousand meters each way?
far too huge, i must say:
only twenty are needed, all told.
"
"middle english would have us all say
that that middle-leg joint's a ""kuh-nay"".
that is why the word knee,
orthographically,
is a chancery fossil today.
"
"in atlanta you're likely to hear
an odd term when a terror comes near:
hearing goose flesh is rare;
it's called chill bumps down there ?
epidermal reaction to fear.
"
"i'm so proud of my dariole mold;
it's a cup into which i will fold
globs of pastry creme goo
(could be savory, too).
warm or cold, it's a sight to behold.
"
"mgfe3+(so4)
2(oh)?7h2o ore:
it's botryogen, said
to be grape-like and red,
or bright yellow in clusters galore.
"
"poor dolores lee, shrouded in gloom,
ever sorrowful, right from the womb.
see her  dolorously go
in her self-imposed woe,
dreading doom she saw loom from the tomb.
"
"he is 8, but he wants to be 10.
""and miss all of year 9? say again?""
he fussily fidgets ?
""i want double digits!""
claims he cannot be happy 'til then.
"
"michele bachmann kicks up quite a fuss
while crusading, for votes, on her bus.
though we might think her spacey ?
(where's concord? who's gacy?),
her fans say, ""she's just one of us!""
"
"the protein colipase displays
stuff that chemicals do nights and days:
it floats around loose
in your pancreas juice,
and helps lipase in ways that amaze.
"
"if your views are from rush, you're in trouble.
watch fox? then your blindness will double.
mr. murdoch anoints
those who read talking points
to the folks in the far-right-wing bubble.
"
"it's a ""teachable moment,""  he'll claim ?
there's no profit in placing the blame.
worthy precepts are shown,
didascalic  in tone.
just the same, we fell short of our aim.
"
"smokin' hot: hit five j's (one a trey);
got ten boards and four blocks, by the way.
it's my first double double,
but my d gave me trouble:
their two-guard scored 30 today.
"
"social contract's a fabric to knit
all the country together. so it
causes great consternation
that grim dilaniation
is shredding the cloth bit by bit.
"
"it's calcium propionate they add
to the bread, cakes and cookies i've had;
it stops spoilage from mold.
""slightly toxic,"" i'm told,
but so's vitamin c, so not bad!
"
"not an earthquake or crash, just a dent.
no tornado ? a petty event.
a diseasement, a little
inconvenience, a tittle,
unworthy of high discontent.
"
"if a millimeter's small, i submit,
like a tad, or a mote or a bit,
when with cubic combined
then a space is defined
that would hold little more than a nit.
"
"sy sighs at the text; he's perplexed
that the jumbers are numbled. he's vexed.
decipherment's tough
when the hode's card enough;
now the alphabet's strange. what numbs kext?
"
"after all of our prayers, it's ironic
that the aftershocks weren't demonic,
but from masses resisting
a force that was twisting
a deformable plate that's tectonic.
"
"will a cochlear implant enhance
lives of kids never given a chance?
signals go to the brain,
then their teachers can train
them to hear, speak and sing while they dance!
"
"it's claystone we're here to assay:
sedimentary rock made of clay.
not like shale with its strata,
but hard clastic matta,
fine-grained in a uniform gray.
"
"if you live in the town chappaquiddick,
your speech is not likely dravidic.
nor if you're a ninja,
not living in inja,
nor a finn, nor a pole, nor hasidic.
"
"a scots tourist who once came upon a
sort of duvet, inquired,  ""i wanna
know its name here in oz,""
and was puzzled because,
""i dinna know doona,"" said donna.
"
"it's miraculous what you will find
at our clinic, a one-of-a-kind.
from dispensary pills,
extrasensory skills:
take one dose, you can read any mind.
"
"take two pyramids, glued base to base,
a symmetrical figure of grace.
each triangular face
has an edge you can trace:
a dipyramid shape's in that space.
"
"in the midst of a column  of text
stands a crosshead whose wording reflects
an author's decision
to mark a division,
detached from the words that come next.
"
"the book's analectic; it uses
some pieces the editor chooses
of verse apropos
or classics (for show)
from authors from whodat to whosis.
"
"looking more like a bum from the bowery,
bette's as far as you get from a houri.
so vindictive and snide ?
i will make her my bride.
did i mention the eight-figure dowry?
"
"absorbency's something we seek
when a laugh or a cough makes us leak.
among boomers who need
underpants that don't bleed,
adult diapers just might become chic.
"
"'you're surrounded! don't fight any more!
lay your boomerang down on the floor!'
so with no more ado,
i surrendered and threw
it away. then i ducked ? won the war!
"
"noah packed them all in? there's a laugh!
no, the ark lacked the room and the staff.
he just ran out of space,
and the wuffalo's place
was assigned to a pushy giraffe.
"
"it's no wonder that bell-ringers pull,
for their lives are resoundingly full
of loud clanging and chimes;
come and share these good times,
though your ears may need cotton wool.
"
"if the flame of love burns, let's not joke
when it's fanned by a gal and a bloke.
but for love to ignite,
passion's fire must light,
which is why, post-sex, some people smoke.
"
"there is one with your name on, they say,
and in war zones it might come your way.
but no bullet can know
who i am ? where to go ?
for it hasn't been given my na...
"
"name your beach, lapped by sea's gentle swell:
golden sand on which memories dwell.
but on d-day the sand
where gi's were to land
was called omaha ? one step from hell.
"
"i remember my dad seemed to be
like a giant, much larger than me.
now he's frail and so old,
blanket-wrapped from the cold
and i kiss him ? like when i was three.
"
"as his gaze swept the star-spangled view,
was there someone out there watching too?
from his planet afar,
the earth's sun was a star.
all alone? (god, if only he knew!)
"
"i am known as a vitamin freak
who downs eighty-four pills every week.
when arthritic joints throb,
i don't whimper or sob.
no ? i rattle in time with the creak.
"
"just to utter the word, right out?ass,
seems to me to be lacking in class.
saying butt's not so bad
(though by only a tad).
i'm not hip and i hate to sound crass.
"
"to be lonely's pathetic and sad.
so alone can be bad and a tad
of a bore. it's a bane
and can drive one insane,
yet the quiet's not totally bad.
"
"just imagine what abe would have said
if a fan proposed carving his head
in the side of a cliff.
he'd have said, ""that's terrif,
but i'd like a nice photo instead.""
"
"when the ad hoc committee last sat,
the agenda read, ""re: this and that.""
so the members called out,
""what's it really about?""
""but who cares?"" said the chairman, ""let's chat.""
"
"this cool babe, though so hard to perturb,
if aroused was a whirlwind to curb.
when jack nicholson's glance
made her ask, ""wanna dance?""
he just leered and then answered, ""wrong verb.""
"
"""yeah, but..."" ""he got the job you were due.""
""yeah, but..."" ""and twice the salary too.""
""yeah, but..."" ""look at his wife!""
""yeah, but..."" ""god, what a life!""
""yeah, but..."" ""yeah, but? is that it? what's new?""
"
"fred astaire said, ""just guess how it feels
when my dancing with ginger reveals
that though my style is swell,
she performs just as well,
only backwards and wearing high heels!""
"
"though i often get pissed as a newt,
it's a simile newts might dispute.
their sobriety's fine,
but don't contemplate mine;
booze has something no newt can refute!
"
"there's a sound that can fill me with dread:
it's a wasp's and goes 'b-u-z-z',
but a lesson it's taught
when its buzz i cut short
with my swatter ? one swipe and it's dead!
"
"there's a sound that can terrify me:
it's a wasp's and goes 'b-u-z-z',
but a lesson it's taught
when its buzz i cut short
with my swatter ? one swipe! rip!
"
"aluminium's okay by me
but the verb's not so easy, you see:
aluminiuming
makes my dental plate ring,
and my tongue's where it ought not to be!
"
"all is tickety-boo ? so you say.
no problemo; set fair is the day.
but those adjectives? no!
try the shorthand below:
it's a three-letter word ? a-ok.
"
"king arthur is looking askance;
guinevere cannot sit ? see her dance
wild and fast to the beat,
now she's feeling the heat
of a boil that should meet with a lance.
"
"low to the ground as it goes,
the centipede uses its nose
to find insects to eat,
while an army of feet
moves what looks like a flexible hose.
"
"exposed by the press and tv,
celebrity never comes free,
and when privacy lost
is the ultimate cost,
who'd want to be famous?  not me.
"
"the mp has complacently fed
us the super-sized junk in his head:
his lies on inflation
and kids' education
allied as he lies on his bed.
"
"said a carpenter fellow named saul
to a girl he met, ""give me a call.""
then he thought, ""i need more;
wanna nail what i saw ?
when i join 'er, i'll give 'er my awl.""
"
"william shakespeare wrote many a sonnet
about maids who abandoned the bonnet;
tresses tossed in the breeze
made him weak at the knees
with the urge, and the acting upon it.
"
"they awoke as a new day was dawning,
well away from the sun, 'neath the awning;
then they let out a cry,
as they sprawled all awry,
""what an awesome fun start to the morning!""
"
"""brigadier, keep the chargers reined tight!
what number are ready to fight?""
""there are five ninety-nine
with their lives on the line.""
""this brigade is a little bit light.""
"
"teaching calculus shouldn't be done
unless students are paired one to one.
let's combine integration
with sex education,
deriving that ?ex = f(u)n.
"
"said carmella to tony, ""let's pack!
there ain't no more capi to whack.
the sopranos is done,
but we've had a great run.
choose a song, say so long."" [cut to black.]
"
"24 features agent jack bauer,
with his endless recuperative power.
think jack won't be back?
well then you don't know jack.
every week he will peak, then reflower.
"
"to her nest a young eagle from clare
invited a stork from kildare.
they frolicked, quite wary
to not tip her aerie.
it's a long way to fall through thin air.
"
"young aaron from aachen, fans pray,
will pitch in the majors one day.
this aardvarks staff ace
keeps his team in first place.
he's the class of the class aa.
"
"an amoeba's a wonderful pet,
and as maintenance-free as they get.
no need to be tutored,
it's already neutered;
not a single cell call to the vet.
"
"brash erin was quite well endowed
but by fashion she wouldn't be cowed.
""these beauties won't snap
into some booby trap!""
watch erin go braless unbowed!
"
"from the pope to the souls in the pews,
the whole church is aghast at the news:
it appears father ives
has had seventeen wives,
but declines to tell congregants whose.
"
"define arse? that's a delicate matter
requiring precision, not patter.
it's the large rounded part
near the legs where they start
and which most women wish were much flatter.
"
"swiss shepherds take care when they yodel,
for valley and wood and low road'll
be avalanche-strewn
if they choose the wrong tune ?
the safe modal to yodel is nodal.
"
"all our arms were beginning to ache
as we strained at the oars on the lake,
but we felt it too petty
to mention the jetty
still dragging along in our wake.
"
"when he walked amongst men, even god
needed raiment and bread and was shod.
now he seemingly likes
letting bare-bottomed tykes
shuffle shoeless and foodless. it's odd.
"
"the anthill's a red earthen mound
built by terrified ants above ground.
in a flurry of hurry,
they silently scurry
lest anteaters hear they're around.
"
"our great dictionary's first word is a,
which we'll try to explain in this way:
it precedes a noun thus
to reveal without fuss
that the noun's non-specific. okay?
"
"aphrodite, great goddess of greeks,
was so lovely all hellas still speaks
of the puppy-eyed love
she instilled from above
in young lads who had shaved for just weeks.
"
"some fit-fans find fun in a run;
other wackos can lift half a ton.
but them gyms ain't for i.
please don't aks me to try.
daily dozen? ain't done even one.
"
"hey, believe me, i see nothing wrong
if a woman should show off her thong ?
or knickers or scanties
or bloomers or panties.
go ahead now. take off that sarong.
"
"my boss, an authentic go-getter,
is striving to be a jet setter.
so he doesn't worry
when i have to hurry
to dash off to dash off his letter.
"
"wife the first could make great date-nut bread.
""but the cost of supplies means,"" she said,
""first the dates have to go,
then the nuts."" so you know
why wife two now makes date bread instead.
"
"a daredevil makes a base jump,
or tries all your best dares to trump.
he'll attempt any act
so applause he'll attract,
even though he may end up a lump.
"
"for a buddhist, a place that's divine
is their own dome-shaped dagoba shrine.
sacred relics are there
under monks' loving care
in this temple of ancient design.
"
"a baldpate (american wigeon)
was mocked by a frivolous pigeon:
""that's a tonsure,"" he said,
""that you've got on your head.
what gives, did a duck get religion?""
"
"a priest's work is keeping at bay
a corruptible world, so he'll say
an apotropaic
observance archaic
to chase evil's essence away.
"
"there's a knot (daisy chain) you can tie.
you can drop, daisy chained, from the sky.
it's a fisherman's lure,
a girl's garland so pure,
and a group sex technique ? shall we try?
"
"my bank clerk's a brit sort of feller,
who says in a voice london-meller,
""to clark is a skill
you yankees cahn't fill,
so don't say i'm only a teller.""
"
"conquistadors prayed a quick pater
when the beast gaped, its mouth like a crater.
""el lagarto!"" they said.
(that's ""the lizard!"") it spread.
the result ? we now shout ""alligator!""
"
"if you think that a princess is square,
and a teardrop is really a pear,
i'd be willing to bet
that you know briolette
means ""more facets than frankie voltaire.""
"
"each morning, elizabeth eats a
stale pop-tart, while chris never meets a
new day without makin'
eggs, toast, and some bacon.
my breakfast food? hunks of cold pizza.
"
"i tripped flat on a three-foot-high fern
and kerflapped down a brae to a burn.
was it bracken (or brake)?
i don't know, but i ache
head to toe, and i don't want to learn.
"
"while my auntie went off to the draper's,
i lunched. but i gave her the vapors
and my name was pure mud,
for i nipped in the bud
all her artichokes, brussels sprouts, capers.
"
"my neighbors above never tire
of tumult, dissension and ire.
their life's just one broil.
i'd seethe them in oil,
or cook them well-done on a fire.
"
"let all pilgrims give honor and glory
to suger.  from the choice of a quarry
to the light on each pew,
you could tell that he knew
his apse from his ambulatory.
"
"agkistrodon venom's no kiss.
it'll plug up your veins just like this.
if your blood needs a clot,
add a smidgen or spot
of the ab-c protease. (hiss!)
"
"""just leave it, you rock-climbing creep!""
said a team-mate, ""i just want to sleep.
that peak is too high;
if we try it, we'll die.
it's arduous. difficult. steep.""
"
"""the heck with iraq and pollution.
our problem's this gay revolution!
they want to be wed,""
the president said,
""let's amend the u.s. constitution!""
"
"an abridger takes so much away
that you lose any sense of the play
of the words and [removed]
and yet nothing's improved?
you can guess what the author would say.
"
"at the concert, i wasn't so proud
as to push to the front of the crowd;
but i grovelled and pled
'til the girl ahead said,
""oh all right, okay, you're allowed.""
"
"apocalypse? why, but of course!
i knew it would come with some force.
the way we're all dead,
and the sky has turned red,
and the four of you, each on a horse.
"
"a burning consumer did earn
five guineas: high income, laverne.
most notions of price
quite rarely suffice
to undermine vehement yearn.
"
"my father, who sits on the bench,
finds judging is often a wrench:
""what harm's prostitution?
a fine's no solution...
let's pardon this well-bosomed wench.""
"
"my friend likes to lay on a spread;
my friend is two slices of bread
with butter and bacon
or jam inly taken.
buttered buddy?  no, butty instead.
"
"my brother is really quite quaint. he
is likely, if frightened, to faint. he
is not really gay,
just a little bit fey.
or, as he would insist, he's just dainty.
"
"she said she'd conditionally wed
and she laid out her terms when she said:
""there'll be no hanky panky;
he must be a yankee ?
but no doodle-dandy in bed!""
"
"someone's hurt and i'm first on the scene.
i'm no doctor or nurse, but i clean
a cut knee's crimson ooze,
or put ice on a bruise ?
first aid's my domain: i'm the queen!
"
"newly widowed (her husband lies dead),
poignant memories swim in her head.
her life was complete,
and in every way sweet:
pure consummative joy once they'd wed.
"
"feather beds can seem soft and sublime
when they're new ? like stuffed pillows; but i'm
rather reckoning that
they will feel hard and flat
as the feathers compress over time.
"
"""life begins,"" so i'd frequently hear,
""at forty."" but now it's unclear.
fifty's dubbed 'the new 40';
you're still young and sporty!
two-score years don't match fifty, i fear.
"
"this follow-my-leader we're playing
involves no political swaying.
we just copy each stunt
of the person in front:
he dictates; we pursue him, obeying.
"
"a sly fox saw some grapes hanging high.
""they look tasty. to reach them i'll try.""
he tried hour after hour,
then (""they're sure to be sour!"")
he gave up and skulked off, by and by.
"
"my homegrown tomatoes are great;
big and succulent ? check out their weight!
they grow bigger each day,
thanks to fish meal i lay
round their roots. come and fill up your plate.
"
"socks and wellies or slippers with bows,
strappy sandals for cooling the toes:
to protect her bare feet,
in the cold or the heat,
she dons footwear wherever she goes.
"
"when the tax man and i aren't agreeing,
he's endangered, that mean human being.
it's great peril he'll face ?
i could leave not a trace
of that man ? 'twould be too late for fleeing.
"
"up north (where it's greener, the grass),
in the old days, each laddie and lass
lived on dry bread and lard,
sure that, if they worked hard,
they would prove, ""where there's muck, there is brass.""
"
"i'm bronchially-challenged ? my voice
is not growling and croaking by choice.
filled with phlegm, like thick tar,
my congested tubes bar
any grounds ? or the means ? to rejoice.
"
"""awake is a state that i'm not,
when i lie, fast asleep, in my cot,""
thought the innocent baby,
""i wonder if, maybe,
i should wake, 2 a.m., on the dot?""
"
"a disconsolate cave man was fated
to faint each time someone created
bold scenes on the wall
of his cave. above all,
it was pictures of hunting he hated.
"
"are acorn cups used by a fairy
to milk cowslip-dew from a dairy?
no, they hang from the twig
of an oak that is big
to keep acorns secure in mid-airy.
"
"in the midst of a nightmarish dream,
i awoke to a blood-chilling scream:
i heard my heart pump
as the voice made me jump
but the scream was my own, it would seem.
"
"the cacao bean we have to thank
for the chocolate that, last night, we drank.
i'll add an apology ?
that phrase was tautology:
cacao's the seed, to be frank!
"
"they grow their own spices and teas.
they make their own clothing and cheese.
they don't borrow or lend;
on themselves they depend.
autarkic they are, if you please.
"
"this place is as black as the night,
and the darkness sure gives me a fright.
the reason is this:
that my daft little sis
forgot gas, so our argand won't light.
"
"though i don't hold a lofty position,
i've got an expensive ambition.
i want restaurants, bars,
fancy motor homes, cars...
lots of cash is my dream acquisition.
"
"our chic accent lighting was new,
and we couldn't decide what to do.
should we light up this chair
or that couch over there?
should we light up the picture frame, too?
"
"there once was a lady of france,
and she ate bethmale cheese quite by chance.
with its great mellow flavor
and aroma to savor,
the joy of it caused her to dance.
"
"a bemba said, ""let's sail the seas?
away! far from zambia, please.""
they set off by boat
on a very long float,
and wound up as vietnamese!
"
"he lives in the park in a box.
his pillows are nothing but rocks.
with no food and no shoes,
this life's not what he'd choose.
his absolute poverty shocks.
"
"a little acaudate  green frog
was swimming around by a log.
his tail went away
one bright summer day
while he'd been a tad in the bog.
"
"i heard of abura, a tree
that the africans surely agree
has a yellowish wood
and has leaves that make good
pharmaceutics for headaches, for me.
"
"i'm serving the land of the free!
and mother is bragging on me!
i quit my last job,
but i am no slob,
for i've joined the acoe!
"
"a portly young belle, quite a jewel,
strode the street as she guided a mule.
her beau said, ""please ride it.""
said she, ""me astride it?
i say! how excessively cruel.""
"
"there once was a wizened old mystic
who said, ""from my viewpoint holistic,
one's self should come second.
the right course, i've reckoned:
help others, and be altruistic.""
"
"say you're probing a criminal case,
but perplexed. need to pick up the pace?
ask cui bono ? who wins,
perpetrating these sins?
and the answer might just end the chase.
"
"it's such fun to go nuts at a party,
to start fights, and tell jokes, and drink hearty;
but a lifelong objective?
to be more reflective,
and be seen with the true culturati.
"
"there's a tale i must tell of a horse
who led discourse, conversing, perforce,
with hoof slides and taps,
and who someday, perhaps,
will deliver a message in morse.
"
"the birds struck our plane with a shiver.
will we crash down on houses? hearts quiver!
but sully, in haste,
with no time to waste,
splash-lands us all safe on the river.
"
"the mosquito's a terrible pest;
it's an insect most people detest.
you can spray, smudge, or zap
or just give 'em a slap,
but a culicide does it the best.
"
"a guy with a gloomy expression,
alone at a tourist concession:
""where the hell's all the trade
for this junk that i've made?
this must be a major recession.""
"
"when the boss called it quits past his prime,
all the staff sent him off with a rhyme
deeply etched in a clock
that no way he would hock,
'cause there's no present quite like the time.
"
"he threw an admiring glance
and he said, ""it was pure circumstance
that has helped me  to see
i love you ? you love me!""
all the rest is just left up to chance.
"
"a teacher (of pre-school, i think)
gave her adjutator  (helper) a wink.
""these children are sweet,
though they give me tired feet,
but our paychecks most certainly stink!""
"
"my friend cooked a juicy ham slice
with some hot aromatic  brown rice.
it smelled so divine
as we started to dine
that i knew i would fill my plate twice!
"
"in acrostics first letters of lines
make a sense ? not just cryptical signs,
as the capitals, bold,
give an image, untold:
each letter a crossword defines.
"
"the adsorption of vapors and gases
on the surface of solid state masses
increases their weight
and will change vapor's state
to a liquid-like form, as in glasses.
"
"a bavarian (german: ein bayer)
is a person that lives a bit higher
than most other germans;
king ludwig in ermines
indulged in a building desire.
"
"a bachelor ? an unmarried man ?
will often try hard as he can
to find a nice girl,
like a bright, lustrous pearl,
who might be seduced in his van.
"
"o janus, through darkness so vast,
you can see both the future and past.
two-faced god, i adore you,
adjure and implore you:
let this year be better than last.
"
"want alternative ways to spell fish?
follow george bernard shaw, if you wish:
try a recombination
of enough, women, nation.
have some ghoti with the chips on your dish!
"
"an abacus is a computer,
hand-driven and simple (and cuter
than our modern pcs),
which you hold on your knees ?
best learned from a nice chinese tutor.
"
"if your ventricles need an assist,
this device needs to be on your list.
it can keep your blood pumping
to help your heart's thumping.
without it, you'd cease to exist.
"
"if your eyesight's not good or you're blind,
this foundation can aid you and find
any service you need.
afb can help lead
you through rough spots in life's daily grind.
"
"the city officials are moaning,
because of adjustments in zoning.
the board is misguided
in what they've decided
concerning the landmarks we're owning.
"
"now, a nun is a lady conventual,
sequestered from all that is sensual
or worldly or rich.
she has found her life's niche?
her commitment to god is immense-ual.
"
"have you heard the school's new concert band?
the percussion's especially grand.
the brass section's neat,
and the woodwinds are sweet.
it's the grandest school band in the land!
"
"bg group can likely surpass
other dealers in natural gas.
with pipelines unfurled
all over the world,
it's big bucks the investors amass.
"
"you're engaged now? three cheers and hooray!
you're a couple! you'll marry someday,
but you're combinate now.
at your wedding, i vow,
when you're joined, i will catch the bouquet!
"
"the comstock lode, so i've been told,
had veins of both silver and gold.
what the grosch boys discovered
and miners uncovered
made many folks wealthy of old.
"
"i'll have caffeine withdrawal! oh, no!
my coffee plants never will grow,
'cause the dread coffee fungus
is here?it's among us!
the thought of it fills me with woe!
"
"i was walking with mom past a bar.
she said, ""notice the door is ajar?
the old devil goes in
to that dark den of sin.""
so i promised i'd stay away?far!
"
"for abortions, there now is a pill.
what was living becomes very still.
it's debated a lot.
some pro-choice; some not.
we should let babies live and not kill.
"
"once my knowledge of glands wasn't grand,
but my learning i wished to expand.
now my autobiography
includes adenography?
the study of every gland.
"
"the calliope tune fills the air
at the circus, perhaps, or the fair.
pipes whistle and scream
as they're blowing out steam,
but who's playing it? nobody's there.
"
"see that tree over there, on the beach?
its leaf buds are so hard to reach!
but i'm fond of their taste,
so i'll surely make haste?
that cabbage palm tree is a peach!
"
"the night breezes soothe like a balm
as i lie on the beach 'neath a palm.
i hear ocean waves crashing,
against the rocks smashing.
i look at the stars and feel calm.
"
"arabian jasmine's the scent
that i wear to a special event.
not just known for its smell,
it makes great tea as well.
think i'll plant some right here, near my tent!
"
"the carollers sing ""silent night""
and then ""joy to the world,"" clear and bright.
the chestnuts are roasting.
marshmallows are toasting
by fires on this cold christmas night.
"
"many camp meeting stories i've told.
the preachers were fiery and bold!
friends and family were there?
round the campfire we'd share
and sing songs 'til the night grew too cold.
"
"addictionology studies the drugs
illegally used by some thugs.
things like crack, speed and coke
and the hash that they smoke?
what effect do these have on their mugs?
"
"just over that hill, in a wood,
a one-room log cabin once stood.
it held laughter and tears
for many long years.
in those pioneer days, life was good.
"
"celebrities, famous and rich,
overnighting in london, will pitch
up, direct from their flight,
at the dorchester, right
where it's at: five stars up from the ditch.
"
"cheese and chive is the tastiest dip:
try dunking that celery tip
or a bread-stick or carrot,
but, no, not that parrot;
save him for the bird's instant whip!
"
"derogatorily you remark
that i seem to have lost my old spark.
you declare it's my age.
when i then express rage,
you announce i look best in the dark.
"
"more bedsores, old man? what a curse!
they need treating before they get worse.
i can see why you wail;
you're so old and so frail ?
we'll send for the kind district nurse.
"
"meg's mum would say, wearily, ""meg,
stop that whining, dear child, now i beg.""
but if still the child whinged
then the words that impinged
were, ""do you have a bone in your leg?""
"
"the word diff- plus -iculty is not
anapestic, and so it may rot
on the shelf for a week,
just ignored, but ? what cheek!
problem solved: it has now found a slot.
"
"they're robotic, metallic, and mean,
the cybermen, viewed on your screen
when you watch doctor who.
they're emotionless, too,
and their handlebar heads steal the scene.
"
"dilly phelps has a candlewick spread,
from which shapes have been cut, on her bed,
oh, but wait, i can guess,
by the look of her dress,
she's a seamstress who's weak in the head.
"
"you say the man's 'not well behaved'?
understatement! i'd call him depraved.
his assaults are pure torture;
the swine's a debaucher ?
that sexual menace you craved!
"
"her fingers, so delicately free,
ripple over the strings ? you can't see
that they touch them at all,
till her harp's gentle call
is as light as a breeze in a tree.
"
"city councils great burdens may bear
if their actions are plainly unfair.
they may lose all their brats ?
led away, like the rats,
by pied pipers unpaid by their mayor.
"
"lord justice bartholomew phelps
has a wench who occasionally skelps
his worship's backside ?
once he's handcuffed and tied.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"an old cine-film just came to light,
with no soundtrack, and all black and white,
showing people who wave
and most weirdly behave,
as if soundlessness makes it all right.
"
"does this soup turn a pale shade of white ?
scared of things that go bump in the night?
or, with fear, does it froth
at the mouth? chicken broth ?
made from meat you can eat with no bite!
"
"as she painted the nails on her piggies,
the child said, ""i'm just like you biggies.""
she pretended to choke
on her make-believe smoke:
""look ? i'm smoking invisible ciggies.""
"
"a childminder fills that deep void
that used to see nannies employed
by mothers who work
or who otherwise shirk
all the duties their nannies enjoyed.
"
"computer geek, zachary phelps,
is a programmer working on celps.
while he's thinking up code,
he will skip down the road.
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"to climb up a tall greasy pole,
it's no sweat ? with some cash and a mole.
as you rise, inch by inch,
you will find it's a cinch
(send your money to learn the mole's role)!
"
"in liechtenstein, people seem smitten
with the national anthem of britain,
but it's not that ? ach, nein! ?
it's just oben am ... rhein
shares the tune to which god save ... was written.
"
"some young new year's eve celebrators
drank champagne on ice. (they were skaters.)
said one, ""i've jushjt thunk
thashjt we shjouldn't get jdrunk.""
then he held out his glass to the waiters.
"
"my psychiatrist said to me, ""fran,
would you actualise, if you can,
the emotions you feel,
so i'll know how to deal
with the problems you have with your man?""
"
"i went to a party last year
where they tossed around lots of abir.
now my chin is all green
with a glittery sheen,
and my nose has turned purple. how queer!
"
"cat's cradle's a game that we'd play
on a snowy and cold winter's day.
we'd make patterns with string
while we'd happily sing
'til the sunshine had come back to stay.
"
"the adzuki's a smallish red bean
often cooked with in asian cuisine.
it's used in sweet soups,
and for ice cream in scoops,
or for tea. and it helps me stay lean!
"
"once i heard a cat mewing at me
from a place way up high in a tree.
when i climbed up i found
there was no cat around?
'twas a catbird i'd climbed there to see!
"
"they burned down my house. it is ash.
they made the wind scatter my trash.
these african witches
have poisoned my ditches.
abatagati are nasty and brash.
"
"i went to the car wash last week
to make my car shiny and sleek.
then i learned, with a frown,
that the windows were down,
and the seats all got wet. what a leak!
"
"what pests killed my best apple tree?
what critters are angering me?
isn't mites make me mad,
but moth larvae, so bad?
just tail a brown-tail and you'll see!
"
"ah had me a bashment invite
so ah wen' and de food be a'right.
but de music be great
so ah pahtied real late
cuz mah hom'z tuff ta fin' in de night.
"
"sit-ups do not feel so great,
although they would help me lose weight.
all that bending and stretching
just makes me start retching.
calisthenics are something i hate!
"
"the cartwheeler reeled down the field,
with her underwear mostly revealed.
as she wheeled right on by me,
i had to yell, ""blimey!
i wish that you had more concealed!""
"
"all my white window casings are banging
in wind, since they loosely are hanging.
if the glass should fall out,
at my husband i'll shout,
since he chose not to heed my haranguing.
"
"if you're lacking nerve tissues (gray matter),
or of nerve centers you've just a smatter,
aganglionic you are
and you mustn't move far
or you'll fall to the ground with a clatter.
"
"i do canning this time every fall,
using mason jars furnished by ball.
i can peaches and beans,
and pickles and greens,
and preserves! there's enough for us all!
"
"the school cafetorium's cool.
it's my son's favorite place at his school.
they eat lunch there?some stew?
have assemblies there too.
hear a speech, eat a peach. but don't drool!
"
"when my car quit on route 98
i decided it must have been fate:
with no call box in sight
in the darkness of night,
'twas the first time i'd had a blind date!
"
"a caramel apple's a treat,
and caramel nougats are sweet.
this burnt-sugar candy
is just fine and dandy,
but it sticks to my teeth when i eat!
"
"an airborne disease is one which
is passed on like a ball at the pitch,
when propelled by a sneeze.
(you might fall to your knees
as you're losing your lunch in a ditch.)
"
"if you boil a calf's foot and then take
some wine and some spice, you can make
a jelly for meat.
or with sugar, so sweet,
a dessert that you don't have to bake.
"
"the sound of cartoons fills my room.
see how underdog fights dr. doom!
i see scooby doo there
chasing ghosts on the stair,
and dick dastardly blows up! kaboom!
"
"through the heather the cateran rode
on a dark winding path, with his load
of the booty he'd taken.
his nerves were quite shaken,
since the law found his highland abode.
"
"her cadging she wears like a badge.
she's a moocher, my dear cousin madge.
now she's ""borrowed"" my sable,
my laptop, my table,
and she also taught me how to cadge!
"
"through the desert the caravan ran?
twenty camels, a boy, and a man.
an oasis they sought,
for the sun was too hot,
and for water they just didn't plan.
"
"i went to a cakewalk to take
some steps, just to see if i'd make
an acceptable chance
at the cakewalker's dance,
and i easily won! piece of cake!
"
"he's cheerful and happy! he's canty,
though he lives in a tar paper shanty.
what's the reason for this
unequivocal bliss?
he's been willed some 2 mils from his aunty.
"
"i live in campestral seclusion,
far away from the city's confusion?
near the fields and the trees,
the bears and the bees?
in the middle of nature's profusion.
"
"look! there is one working now:
a water ox pulling a plow.
while i'm here in malaysia
(a country in asia),
i'll ask, ""how now, brown carabao?""
"
"carnies call, ""step right up! see the show!
it costs only two dollars to go
in my tent here and see
chickens larger than me!
and there's one with two horns it can blow!""
"
"i've got seventeen kids i must take
to the ballgame, plus cookies and cake,
and a rake and a hoe
and some laundry, and so
i've a carload that's making me quake!
"
"the mud is now caked on his clothes,
and it's dried like cement on his nose.
he played in that puddle,
but now wants to cuddle?
well, first he'll get sprayed with the hose!
"
"for the most part, i'm not very brave,
but i entered the cavernous cave.
so when bats flew right past
in that cavern so vast,
i thought i'd explored my own grave.
"
"a chameleon turns green, brown, or blue.
a moth can have camouflage too.
to match what's surrounding
is really astounding?
i wish i could do it. don't you?
"
"the carillonneur rings the bells.
the music peals forth in great swells.
as i listen and walk,
i think, if they could talk,
they might say, ""in this chapel, god dwells.""
"
"with green wings underneath, tops of white,
from my garden it rises, takes flight.
what was resting on plants
but now seems to dance?
cabbage butterfly shines in the light.
"
"in pigs-in-the-blanket with rice
or in coleslaw it's certainly  nice.
this veggie is fine
every time that i dine.
when there's cabbage, i fill my plate twice.
"
"'twas at golgotha, calvary's hill,
that jesus accomplished god's will.
there he died long ago,
so his love i would know;
it's the ""place of the skull"", holy still.
"
"i was lying one day in the sun
when my mother said, ""listen up, hon!
you apply cocoa butter,
or tomorrow you'll mutter
you're burned from the sun. quickly! run!""
"
"the carter turned into my drive.
i was happy to see him arrive!
he delivered the thing
that i'd ordered last spring?
a new cart so my business could thrive!
"
"""that carcanet's gorgeous!"" i cried.
""i loved it the moment i spied
it there crowning her head
with its rubies of red!
if you buy me one, i'll be your bride!""
"
"where the ancient egyptians once dwelled,
human organs canopic jars held.
they were placed near the mummy
(yes, one held a tummy!)
'til spirit with body could meld.
"
"while visiting kenya one day,
i saw white cattle egrets at play.
they strutted through grasses,
ate insects in masses,
and gracefully flew far away.
"
"in the cold frozen north, so they say,
is the land where the caribou play.
these large, antlered deer
every christmas appear?
they're the reindeer that pull santa's sleigh.
"
"i played marbles with jessica lynn,
and i wished her best cat's-eye i'd win.
but my aggie bounced high?
whacked me right in the eye?
then smacked jessie lynn on her chin!
"
"in a theater, way up on high,
is the catwalk, where stagehands pass by
as they wait for a sign
that it's set-changing time.
if they fall, you can tell them good-bye!
"
"caracara's a vulture-like bird.
capybara's a rodent that's furred.
one flies and then wheels,
one runs and then squeals,
but they both look extremely absurd.
"
"in peru, i saw twelve campesinos ?
twelve farmers ? on twelve palominos.
they showed me the yield
of their capsicum field,
and they each tossed me twelve jalapenos.
"
"my father-in-law, in his casket,
had kernels of corn in a basket
to honor the ways
he had farmed all his days.
have a question about him? just ask it.
"
"an asylee is one who has fled
from his country of birth, full of dread.
fear of bodily harm
was a cause for alarm.
now he's found peace and freedom instead.
"
"in my kitchen the cabinetry's broke,
so i've ordered some new?made of oak.
they'll have beautiful grains
and resistance to stains,
and hold dishes, and canned goods, and coke!
"
"the term acusection's obscure;
electrosurgery's the word we use more.
a charged needle they use
when some lesions they choose
to destroy. it sounds painful for sure!
"
"the duchess was in her caroche
when she screamed, ""get me out! there's a roach!""
then she fainted away
and came to the next day.
that caroche is no longer her coach.
"
"acid salt has some hydrogen? true!
and i'll tell you just what it can do:
there are things it can make
that can help me to bake?
baking powder and creamer are two!
"
"there once was a girl of peru
who yelled, ""rats! now just what shall i do?
an acouchi just ran
and jumped into my pan,
and it drowned in my mulligan stew!""
"
"the old maid emitted some cackles
at the game, and they raised up my hackles.
i queried her, ""why?""
she just grinned and said, ""i
do adore how that linebacker tackles!""
"
"the calico dress my mom had
was so pretty it made me feel glad?
it had colors so bright
the whole room seemed alight,
and the neckline attracted my dad!
"
"a castaway i'd like to be,
on an uncharted isle in the sea,
with adventures so grand
as i live off the land,
with no cares and no wishes to flee.
"
"come now, my friends, go with me
to the local girl scouts' camporee!
sing some songs by the fire?
add some wood! make it higher!
then tell scary stories! wow! whee!
"
"acumination: just what i need
so my pencil point doesn't recede.
i'll sharpen it some,
so my writing will come
alive with my sharp wit and speed.
"
"can you say a cacuminal word?
it's called retroflex too. it's absurd.
with your tongue-tip tipped back,
and then upward. alack!
when i try it, i feel like a nerd!
"
"in morocco, the food i like most
is amlou, when eaten on toast.
this honey-nut spread
i will love 'til i'm dead.
this stuff is the boast of my host!
"
"last evening i went to the fair,
and i rode on a carousel there:
round and round, up and down
on a horse that was brown,
as calliope songs filled the air.
"
"a small cameo brooch i'd adore,
like the one that my grandmother wore:
a silhouette face
carved with beauty and grace?
it's a shame they're not worn any more.
"
"adinkra's the fabric i use
when cloth for new dresses i choose.
the cotton is fine
with religious design
and it comes in some beautiful hues.
"
"while camping one day, in the fog,
i rested my feet on a log.
an acrasiomycete
left slime on that dry seat?
nevermore will i camp near a bog!
"
"hey sugar, your joke wasn't funny!
this stuff is too sticky and runny!
for a beautiful dish
or a bidon i wish?
that's a tin that can hold all this honey!
"
"a wonderful cook i am not,
but i like my food spicy and hot.
and i really like meat
prepared juicy and sweet
in a mica-enriched black clay pot.
"
"out west, where the dust often scuttles
and rain falls in rather large puddles,
my brother and i,
along with aunt vi,
have farms that share borders (abuttals)!
"
"if you think you have hypoglycemia,
and you're sure that it isn't anemia,
please let me suggest
that your blood needs a test
to be sure you don't have acidaemia.
"
"i have a few musical boys,
and drums and guitars are their toys.
their rhythm resounds
and makes terrible sounds,
but acoustic tiles deaden the noise.
"
"mom made an accordion fold
in a paper she gave me to hold.
she said, ""here is a fan
you can use in our van
to cool off, though it won't make you cold.""
"
"said my realtor, ""this place needs embracement.
its location's a perfect emplacement.
will your wife think it's stellar?""
i yelled at him, ""sell her!""
he groveled and showed me abasement.
"
"""quasimodo accused!"" papers sell ?
it's a tale of a murder they tell.
quasi quips, ""i did not
a young lady garrote.
i've no motive for wringing that belle.""
"
"the alu calculates sums
on my pentium processor, chums.
it's been adding for years;
now the answer appears?
it's the blue screen of death! get my tums.
"
"the navy commissioned a battleship
that passed an inspection with, ""that'll ship.""
but the survey was lax ?
where are guns for attacks?
seems this scow's an all-hat-and-no-cattle ship.
"
"on the farm, where he lived as a boy,
he honed skills that he'd later employ
shipping livestock by sea.
keeping watch is the key ?
you should hear how he cries, ""sheep ahoy!""
"
"broke my arm on a hollywood set ?
will they treat me? i'm deeply in debt.
but the doc said, ""for you,
someone nubile and new,
on my casting couch, plastered you'll get.""
"
"your ragtop is clean, but it's plain
that your trip to the car wash means rain.
still you're there every day;
you've been programmed that way.
put the top up ? they're washing your brain.
"
"do intestines of pigs leave you bawling?
are sheep guts disgusting, appalling?
don't let an omentum
destroy your momentum ?
go follow the path that is caul-ing.
"
"carbonation in drinks that you swallow
gives you bloating ? that gas feels muy malo.
if i give you this pepsi a
case of dyspepsia
you'll see ? oh! too soon it will follow.
"
"at a party, some friendly advice:
getting people to mingle is nice.
you should keep it low-key
or the people will flee.
skip titanic when breaking the ice.
"
"now the school board's banned music! those fools
have afflicted us all with their rules.
the decision was made
'cause the school board's afraid
of some violins and sax in our schools.
"
"contraception? one method's abstention:
""no sex"" guarantees birth prevention.
but a moment's indulgence
(a blissful refulgence?)
can lead to some female abs tension.
"
"stalks of green, leafy tops: apropos
of a veggie that folks like to grow.
though some people hate 'em,
be sure to berate 'em,
""it ain't nasty celery, so?""
"
"king henry's position was plain:
""an excess of deer is our bane.""
with a miserable frown,
he said, ""hunt them all down!""
(game culled on a count of the reign.)
"
"whenever i feel melancholic
and i'm not in the mood for a frolic,
to chase away blues
it's hot cocoa i choose.
that's the view from a true chocoholic.
"
"in england, a check is a cheque;
pay your bills either way ? what the heque.
is my head on my neque?
can a kiss be a peque?
(how much more can you stand of this dreque?)
"
"whatever the time on the clocklet,
it's always the right time for chocolate.
i'm squirmin' to savor
that cocoa-y flavor.
deprive me?  prepare for a squawklet!
"
"my attorney's an oddball (but still!);
he is drafting my will with a quill!
not his usual fashion:
his laptop keeps crashin',
and where there's a way there's a will.
"
"give my all for my art, that's my motto;
sing my boyish heart out, with vibrato.
melodic soprano
sung loud or piano:
what's this mean, this italian castrato?
"
"if only i had a bialy
from bialystok, that would be jolly.
it's chewy and round
and onions abound.
with cream cheese i'd eat it, by golly.
"
"if your auto has troubles that vex,
just take it to oedipus wrecks.
so fast is ol' oeddie,
your car will be ready
in time for his motherly sex.
"
"acetabuliform was the slight,
that i hurled in a marital fight.
""saucer-shaped"" had i called her;
she knew, and it galled her.
i'll sleep on the sofa tonight.
"
"amphibolous prose means that i'll
have two meanings (and oh, with such style!).
can it be my sole mission
to show definition
or also to give you a smile?
"
"adverse is an outcome you hated.
averse is a ""no"" that you stated.
with similar sounds
much confusion abounds.
unrelated, they're often conflated.
"
"in court.  have your day.  your tale ? tell it.
no luck.  your suit's tossed.  couldn't sell it.
attorney: ""unreal.
no big deal.  we'll appeal.""
and in court.  have your day.  judge appellate.
"
"oh, acned you teenagers are.
pop those zits and they might leave a scar.
though those whiteheads are gross,
you need not be morose!
wear the face that you keep in a jar.
"
"this asterisk walks in a bar.
says, ""some beer and a big fat cigar.""
""harrumph, this location
don't serve punctuation!""
""you'll serve me 'cause you know i'm a star.""
"
"it's awkward when things go wrong,
like a limerick with lines too short or too long.
throw in rhymes that don't rhyme,
ungrammatical lines,
and it probably don't end very strong.
"
"mr. lang has a sign on his store,
though none can recall what it's for.
long ago 'twas installed
so it's old and it's called
auld lang's sign ? have you heard this before?
"
"an arbor could certainly be
a cockney lad's port to the sea
or a michigan city.
those answers are witty,
but an arbor will harbor your tree.
"
".wolf lliw kciremil siht drawkca-ssab ?
.wols og os ,daer ot ysae ton s'ti
ffuts siht gnisopmoc tsuj
hguone drah tuoba si
.wonk uoy ,sehcadaeh dna niartseye esuac ot
"
"what a lovely new hairstyle you've sported!
your beautician has talents assorted.
a vocation in beauty
still brings home the booty,
but most other work's been exported.
"
"a rug made of bearskin lies there.
it was crafted with skill and with care
by an artisan who
spent a full day or two.
'twas a lifetime of work for the bear.
"
"those superscript numerals may
bibliographical entries portray:
some scholarly notes
or perhaps even quotes,
?

???
?or perhaps they'll have nothing to say.
"
"the turkish-bred noblemen say,
""california is where you should stay.
your manly physique
suits the title you seek:
san francisco's most beautiful bey.""
"
"""i know that a beer never fails me,""
said the lush. in a rush, he regales me,
""for calming my nerves
this slick homonym serves:
i drink ale 'cause it's good for what ails me.""
"
"a-ok means that everything's cool,
but how to apply that at school?
if a's just okay,
then view b's with dismay.
any lower? a dunce cap, you fool!
"
"near the mountain range named appalachia,
mccoys know that hatfields will hachia.
and the hatfields, as well,
know they're damned straight to hell
by mccoys, 'cause it's just in their nachia.
"
"ambivalence helps to protect me
from those who would seek to dissect me.
though you might look askance
at my lack of a stance,
you can neither accept nor reject me.
"
"on modern pursuits i'm not big.
if it's recent, i don't give a fig.
you can keep your tvs,
and the internet (please!).
archaeology's something i dig.
"
"abac&amp;aacute is that 'hemp' from manila
(its accent is on the last sylla-
ble). musa textilis ?
botanically peerless!
but smoke it?  hell no! it's a killa.
"
"an ottoman boss is a bey;
the turks must his orders obey.
and likewise, i'm sure,
french monks all adjure
you to do as you're told by l'abb?.
"
"""are we getting there soon, is it far, miss?""
asked the children (so keen) in the car.  this
long drive to the lake
was to catch, scale and bake
white-eye bream, from the genus abramis.
"
"to save paper i like to abbr.
tree depletion, this helps to all.
and to save fossil fuel
when i drive, as a rule,
in a straight line i go and don't d.
"
"as blindly the sea bed he burrows,
mechanically digging those furrows,
is the acorn worm thinking
of nothing, or blinking
back tears over all his tomurrows?
"
"if i get a sharp twinge in the knee,
or see shapes in the leaves of my tea,
or spy a strange star,
i am sure such things are
an abodement of something to be.
"
"once accourage (archaic) meant ""urge,""
till encourage began to emerge
synonymously,
and sad we must be
for the death of this word: sound the dirge.
"
"common knowledge, the sense of abyss,
a profoundly depressing word, this.
but in a past time,
abyss was abime.
if you fell in one, things were amiss.
"
"abdominales: fish with their pecs
fore their ventrals and aft of their necks.
these finny protrusions
cause cuts and contusions.
god knows how they manage safe sex!
"
"a mysterious murderer (serial)
antiseptically wiped all material.
they searched night and day
for a clue (dna),
but his traces were all abacterial.
"
"you'll, er,  see at most any museum:
exhibits. before you, uh, see 'um:
the, ah, staff has defined
accession numbers assigned.
like a one, and, er, two, and uh, three um.
"
"""gimme shelter,"" the rolling stones wail;
that's advice of which jane took avail.
but the irs felt her
abusive tax shelter
illegal and sent her to jail.
"
"for those who invest, please take heed:
some investment advisors mislead.
mine got caught by an audit.
gee, who would have thought it?
a cruel accounting indeed!
"
"want some gum?  have a piece, it's on me.
it's my special deluxe abc.
oh, how terribly rude ?
it's already been chewed,
but it's savory, don't you agree?
"
"endless tv commercials don't thrill ?
to be truthful, they're making me ill.
opined my physician,
who checked my condition,
""ad nauseam.  sir, here's my bill.""
"
"the indian's worthy of praising
for bountiful crops he is raising.
what's grown from the ground
will impress and astound.
when he's raising his corn he's amazing.
"
"to charm you, perhaps to beguile,
make you smile, rank and file, for awhile,
i'll provide you with verse.
some have tried and done worse.
there's no meaning ? it's simply all style.
"
"though my brain i have thoroughly racked,
i don't grasp all this art that's abstract.
you proclaim that white patch is
an egg? it soon hatches?
the egg and the artist are cracked!
"
"the orchestra couldn't afford
a conductor, 'cause salaries soared.
overcoming resistance
brought into existence:
a semiconductor on board.
"
"at the deli the countermen try
to create a nice sandwich i'll buy.
but the guys here are klutzes
when piling cold cutses.
they'll fix me a turkey awry.
"
"abalone's a snail of the sea,
with a foot that's as strong as can be.
if that foot became huge,
could it stomp baton rouge?
that's a loada balone to me.
"
"i will give you my word; i'm no fibber:
your health is at risk as a bibber.
when a feminist's choosing
continual boozing,
cirrhosis may start in the libber.
"
"with care cross the street, there's a car!
you must watch for them, near and afar.
there's occasional loss,
but most folks get across.
and the jewish folks, they'll get a star.
"
"teddy roosevelt brought a big stick:
that's armed forces that no one could lick.
and i sure wish that dubya,
who's too quick to club ya,
spoke softly, not hawkish and hick.
"
"ethiopians likely concur:
your mastercard's what they'd prefer.
if it's cold cash you proffer
to put in their coffer,
they'll shiver and say to you ""birr!""
"
"dr. wm. j. hz., i must say,
was a terse man from richmond, va.
imho,
this thrifty virginian
abbrev. tid.
"
"i've two wives but to both i am true,
although bigamy's viewed as taboo.
and my mistress, in turn,
has my money to burn.
i guess that was real big o' me too.
"
"while out on a birdwatching wauk,
i spied a sea-bird. it's an auk!
""auk! auk!"", i began
as i auk-wardly ran.
so to tauk to an auk, should you squauk?
"
"wouldst thou pauseth to readeth mine verseth?
though archaic, i wot thy've heard worseth.
and shouldst thou yen to penneth
that which bygone men kenneth,
words ending in ""eth"" intersperseth.
"
"the word anglophil i'd have rejected,
since anglophile's what i expected.
if england you love,
you'll love both words above ?
because neither one needs be corrected.
"
"round the christmas menorah we're rockin',
and the chanukah bush needs a flockin'.
and the atheist dons a
new robe just for kwaanza.
any credo or faith?  come a-knockin'!
"
"sing ""my bonnie lies over the ocean"" ?
that's a girl that inspired devotion.
now my girl, marie,
she lies over the sea;
she'll fib anyplace she gets the notion.
"
"see my roses? they're starting to bourgeon.
aggressive new growth is emergin'.
i let them surround me
and nobody's found me.
please help!  these thorns prick like a surgeon.
"
"while a luff is the edge of a sail,
and a laugh can be had from a tale,
with a loofah to scrub,
i'm aloof in the tub:
a standoffish, indifferent male.
"
"i need bittersweet chocolate today;
nothing else will my sweet tooth allay.
low in sugar, some cocoa,
my taste buds go loco ?
don't care what the scale says i weigh.
"
"are alien abductions a lie?
bug-eyed monsters steal people and fly?
i don't think that they're real;
it's too crazy a deal.
oh no, wait!  they just grabbed me.  goodbye!
"
"i had an abdominal nephrectomy:
the belly cut seems so high tech to me.
my kidney's removed.
operation approved?
hope insurance is sending a check to me.
"
"my new heart only lasted three days.
accelerated rejection's the phrase
that my doctor relates.
such apt words for my dates ?
my heart's broken so fast my eyes glaze.
"
"there's a girl with a figure that's boxy;
with no curves she's not looking too foxy.
but she's got tons of charm,
and a man on each arm.
that's a gal who's got plenty of moxie.
"
"at the disco, 'neath circling light
we danced and we boogied each night.
i remember the scene
just this past halloween ?
we were dressed up as boogeymen, right?
"
"when it's time for my afternoon snooze,
i relax to a soothing berceuse.
yes, a lullaby's great
when it sways in six-eight.
(if i'm snoring by now, please excuse.)
"
"a departure from lax soon ?
we'll arrive sfo before noon!
how did armstrong, commanding,
get clearance for landing?
no airfield is named on the moon.
"
"we should listen with care to what's said,
yet we oft misinterpret instead.
cleopatra's mistake
was inferring a snake.
""kiss my asp"", she had heard ? now she's dead.
"
"an accessory can be good news ?
like a handbag to go with your shoes.
but as part of a crime
you are sure to do time.
so be careful which meaning you choose.
"
"accommodation means meeting a need
or moving from ""no!"" to ""agreed!""
in a medical locus
it's retinal focus.
accommodate me and give heed.
"
"the bastille, with its stones and its mortar,
housed inmates who garnered no quarter.
an occasional fiend
found himself guillotined,
which would render him quite a bit shorter.
"
"blankly i stare at my screen;
i'm searching for rhymes that are keen.
my severe writer's block
means i only write schlock.
(and this final line's yet to be seen.)
"
"just how shall i write verse inviting
on banal, a word unexciting?
three ways to pronounce it
but still i denounce it ?
so trite that it's not worth reciting.
"
"can dem houses lined up in a row be
made o' sumpin' as frail as adobe?
jes' one liddle flood
and dey turn back t' mud ?
yo be out in de cold, dat's where yo be.
"
"acidophilous microbes that dwell
in an acid ph will excel.
acid views of my rhymin'
in limericks mean i'm an
acidophilous poet now. swell.
"
"an ant and a deer ran away
to las vegas ? got married today.
an author, in fact,
wrote their tale in one act,
called the deer and the ant elope play.
"
"meine bubbe said, ""they can be boyish;
when they're young, you can even act coyish.
your passions you'll quench,
just make sure he's a mensch.
and don't bring him by if he's goyish.""
"
"here's a comment, i'll try to be terse:
'bout your limericks?  i've never heard worse!
you're put off when i judge
that your poetry's sludge?
guess i'll just put you down for averse.
"
"see the stallions contentedly chew
on their oats.  (guess they're glad they're not glue.)
not a one of them cares
to share food with the mares.
affiliate? not with this crew.
"
"running churches, with rules to enforce,
all the bishops are quick to endorse
that their swell chief-of-staff
is a wit, makes them laugh.
so he's called the archbishop, of course.
"
"those??board games! the churches are free
to???????issue their cards for a fee.
with????no taxes assessed,
they???go irs-blessed,
but?????only if 501(c).
"
"a sly nomad, a bedouin, sat
at a desert oasis to chat
with a sandy-haired miss,
and he boasted, ""one kiss
and i'll bedouin five minutes flat.""
"
"""in my soup, there are flies on parade.
can i please have another bowl made?""
""it won't help,"" said the waiter,
""to bring you one later.
it's aquacade soup, i'm afraid.""
"
"she received her degree ? bfa.
(that means bachelor of fine arts she would say.)
but as hard as i try
i don't understand why
a young lady's a bachelor today.
"
"here's a riddle for you, guess the catch:
what's single but also a batch?
it's time to confess.
did you think, as a guess,
that it's bachelor? natch, it's a match.
"
"an alliance of parties, ad hoc,
is what forms a political bloc.
now, the insider scoop
says that leading that group
is a bloc-head.  (i'm sure that's a shock.)
"
"the blood fluke's a parasite worm;
if you catch one, you'll soon feel infirm.
in fact, you can die of this
schistosomiasis.
(trematode worms make me squirm.)
"
"my advice to my wife (i'm her rock):
""bide your time, dear, don't hurry, take stock.""
my advice was sublime.
yup, she buyed her some time,
and came home with a beautiful clock.
"
"those beefsteak tomatoes were great,
and they garnished the burgers you ate.
but carnivores cry
if you feed them one. why?
there's no beef and no steak on their plate.
"
"the feds caught the fiend they were after:
the chapstick-that-detonates crafter.
he said, with aplomb,
""gee, it's just a lip bomb.""
all the agents exploded with laughter.
"
"david atchison: who was this chap?
he was president, filling a gap
in between polk and taylor.
no election prevailer,
in office he just took a nap.
"
"said a lawyer, while flaunting his power,
""i'll charge that last billable hour!""
the client, provoked,
was darn sure he'd been soaked
when the lawyer billed time for a shower.
"
"you should never engage with a bickerer ?
a petulant, petty fight-pickerer.
he'll quarrel and brawl,
and profess to know all,
when his skull couldn't be any thickerer.
"
"in search of a dubious treat,
please consider this vegetable: beet.
from its juice we make borscht,
which my mom often forscht
down my throat.  gastronomic defeat!
"
"""anchors aweigh!"" sailors chime,
and ships' anchors from depths start to climb.
though to me it seems strange,
'cause their weights never change.
so then why do they weigh them each time?
"
"the runner looked safe at the bag,
but the ump yelled, ""yer out!"" ? what a drag!
and to hoots of derision
said, ""absent precision,
a tag in the ballpark's a tag.""
"
"en fran?ais, mon ch?ri (parlez-vous?),
when there's many a thing, there's beaucoup.
from that language romantic
it crossed the atlantic.
we use it in english now, too.
"
"a lumberjack opens a beer,
takes a drink, then collapses.  how queer!
and what sickness assails him?
the suds are what ale's him!
it's lager this logger must fear.
"
"baccalaureate degrees were required,
so i claimed a ba and was hired.
dotting i's, crossing t's,
they said ""show it now, please.""
so i pulled down my pants and was fired.
"
"off to work, and you thought you were cute ?
so demonic yet svelte in your suit.
you're from indian myth;
still your boss said, ""forthwith,
you are canned.""  (yup, the bhut got the boot.)
"
"i say yo, daddy-o, what's the scene?
i am hip, baby, glean what i mean!
i'm a beatnik on track
(thanks to jack kerouac).
dig my stuck-in-the-fifties routine.
"
"the aristocrat's so debonair.
nothing ruffles his cool savoir-faire.
but my senses are reeling ?
the view's unappealing
up a nose stuck so high in the air.
"
"racial harmony: come, let us say,
""black and white are at peace for today.""
try disturbing that peace:
before long a police
black-and-white will come take you away.
"
"see two circling stars? near or far,
they're described as one binary star.
now there's ones and there's zeroes
corralled by geek heroes.
are they binary stars? yes, they are!
"
"and now spring has arrived, nature's stirred.
""the bird's on the wing,"" i have heard.
well, that drives me insane.
if you have half a brain,
then you know that the wing's on the bird.
"
"this absolute zero, i'm told,
is the coldest of marks to behold.
though i mean degrees k
(it's the scientist's way),
both in c and in f it's still cold.
"
"for beheading a king or a queen,
just rely on the french guillotine.
it's the fate that was met
by marie antoinette
and her consort, one louis sixteen.
"
"see the animals, children, draw nigh;
there are aardvarks and aardwolves to eye.
""there's a zebra,"" you purr.
""that's no beast,"" i demur.
""it's the largest size women can buy.""
"
"we've been hoping that jail's a deterrent
for actions considered aberrant.
from prison statistics
and criminalistics,
it's painfully clear that it weren't.
"
"in death i have nothing to fear.
may my friends toast my life with good cheer.
and though i may have passed
and so breathed in my last,
i've no worries!  i'll have me a bier.
"
"bnf has grammatical power.
that's a form that we call backus-naur.
if not naur, the form'll
be called backus normal.
 ::= ""cheerful"" | ""dour""
"
"arrivederci: italian goodbye.
adios is the spanish reply.
i'm sure you'll determine
auf wiedersehen's german.
aloha will serve on kauai.
"
"politicians may seem antitax,
campaigning, ""give taxes the ax!""
yet once they're elected,
as might be expected,
new taxes start breaking our backs.
"
"a museum, some paintings, a start:
so for culture he's doing his part.
don't be looking askance
when he pulls down his pants ?
he's exposing himself to some art!
"
"yes, there's no biz like show biz, they say.
see how big biz eats small biz each day.
we're always so biz-zy
it just makes us dizzy ?
like bees in a biz-antine play.
"
"when arrested, in jail he remained.
""the case is airtight,"" he explained.
""they just made me confess
that my grass is a mess.""
lawn order: it must be maintained.
"
"old harry was very contrary;
he lived near the sky in an ayrie.
to ascend to his lair,
you'd wend high in the air.
please be wary; the footpath is scary.
"
"a girl who was pregnant, not due,
could not wait for her baby's debut.
so a surgeon was called
and a window installed,
thus creating a womb with a view.
"
"we've been told we have abel's bacillus.
we're worried ? perhaps it can kill us.
intranasally crusting,
ozena's disgusting.
if we die will the doctors still bill us?
"
"where's my landlord?  i wish i could phone her.
i'm not a complainer or moaner,
but she's never around
though my plumbing's unsound.
just my luck ? she's an absentee owner.
"
"my broker said, ""buy some big blue,""
'cause he heard ibm's overdue
for its stock to start climbing.
what terrible timing!
it dropped, now i'm blue.  should i sue?
"
"a magnificent failure of late
was the batter who fanned at the plate.
he said ""catcalls ain't news,
and i never mind boos.
(why not make mine a whiskey, and straight?)""
"
"every way you could measure or gauge,
your project was once all the rage.
but today the boss said,
""now your brainchild is dead.
it has reached the abandonment stage.""
"
"ambidextrous are those, understand,
who are facile and skilled with each hand.
but the latin roots say
that two right hands have they.
not at all what their genes have pre-planned.
"
"mutations in genes we unveil
so that groups of alleles tell the tale.
and you know it's no lie,
if you watch csi,
when alleles are a match ? off to jail.
"
"in courtesy court, on his knees,
he sought desperately hard to appease
for his churlish display,
but he failed to allay,
so the jurist rejected his ""please.""
"
"when in tripoli, call aaa.
a dead battery? fixed right away!
you forgot to pay dues?
i'm so sorry, you lose.
grab some zzz's ? there's no tow truck today.
"
"""my son, my request is that you
help your sister with what she must do.""
""mother, please ask another.
i can't be a brother
and also assist her now too.""
"
"from the very first notes to the closing,
the art of the fugue keeps exposing
that bach reigned supreme
as the cream of the cream.
what's he doing today? decomposing.
"
"a great scholar and sage, rav akiva:
you'd be proud if he taught your yeshiva.
a failed revolution:
he faced execution.
his students? they died of a feva.
"
"i went fishing, but soon felt deflated ?
not a bite, though i'd patiently waited.
to avoid getting thinner,
i ate worms for my dinner,
and sat there, forlorn, with breath baited.
"
"see the king of the jungle surmise
that his honey's a cheat who tells lies.
further wounding his pride
is the fact that his bride
cannot hide (though she's tried) lyin' eyes.
"
"my : is spastic, no fun,
&amp; my .'s late, i'm undone.
should i # in frustration
@ life's punctuation,
/ my wrists, or go ! with a gun?
"
"it's been dying, the romans' great ampersand,
and now just the signwriter pampers &amp;.
though there's no good excuse,
it is doomed to disuse,
for the absence of romans still hampers &amp;.
"
"see cupid's swift arrows bestow
wondrous love; they set hearts all aglow.
may he reach in his quiver
and surely deliver
his arrow from bow to your beau.
"
"l. van beethoven's fifth is adored;
it's a masterful work, deftly scored.
his creative success
if applied here, i guess,
means his fifth rfa we'd record.
"
"birth certificate ? here's what we warn:
without it you'll oft be forlorn.
many others must see
your official id.
if it's lost you can't prove you were born.
"
"sworn to silence, the monks became crabby
when one of them turned a bit blabby.
so they drafted a letter:
quote ""quiet is better.""
and addressed it, of course, to dear abbey.
"
"when remodeling, make your heart soar;
you should cherish your latest decor.
to ensure your success
with a look to impress,
make your ingress a door to adore.
"
"annapolis: found in md,
where the navy trains kids for the sea.
but a sailor on break
said i'd made a mistake ?
annapolis grown on a tree.
"
"america, land of the free,
guaranteed constitutionally.
but with rate hikes, high prices,
new taxes on vices,
i'd call it the land of the fee.
"
"the bomber, so swiftly it flew,
after dropping that lone buckaroo.
with a wave of aplomb,
he's astraddle the bomb.
slim-to-none are his chances. yahoo.
"
"you need azimuth and elevation
for heavenly object location.
make certain to wangle
a height and an angle,
or stargazing ends in frustration.
"
"my wife wore a costume tonight.
she's an indian demon, a fright.
""am i looking okay?""
it's a trap! what to say?
""you look bhut-iful darling, all right?""
"
"to show axiomatic completeness
is a kind of mathematical neatness.
kurt g?del averred,
""completeness? absurd!""
in a proof that is famed for its sweetness.
"
"two bakers were joyfully wed;
""we're so deeply in loaf!"" they both said.
but as cousins, it's feared
that their kids will be weird.
things get strange when a family's in bread.
"
"on st. paddy's day, feminists say,
""come and see our parade ? don't delay!""
with my breast swelled with pride
i'm all jiggly inside,
watching erin go braless today.
"
"now where have you been, charming billy?
i'm alone, there's no kicks, and i'm chilly.
when you come, don't be gruff;
we can play in the buff!
(you know billy's a goat, don't you, silly?)
"
"pick an element. do some exploring.
try adding some bromine while pouring.
if you mix them as stated,
a compound's created.
you've just made a bromide.  that's boring.
"
"at harrod's, the talk of the town
is that trousers are causing a frown.
with their pants round their knees,
they're all feeling a breeze;
london britches are all falling down.
"
"a real witch would never presume
to ride that through the night and the gloom.
it's enough to disparage
your taste in a carriage,
but horses in front of your brougham?
"
"if the soul of our wit is true brevity,
then limericks are chock-full of levity.
it's no idle boast,
this one's slyer than most.
"
"i'm heating with gas, and i'm blue;
it's expensive for each btu.
thermal units (they're british)
have oft made me skittish,
when dollar signs flew up my flue.
"
"young randy brought sandy some candy,
but soon changed her over to brandy.
he switched ? ""ogden nashed"" her ?
'cause liquor is fashter,
and speed is the key when you're randy.
"
"surrealists, like dal?, revered
the appearance of normal gone weird.
melting clocks, apple face,
walking cubes, rose in space!
floating pipe?  ""no, it's not,"" magritte jeered.
"
"as the ark wanders storm-battered seas,
noah checks if his archive agrees
that the records still feature
just two of each creature.
but the archive contains only ... bees!
"
"when i'm feeling alone, on my own,
in my life there's a bone that i'm thrown.
meet my good friend, the banker.
each day i must thank her ?
she never will leave me a loan.
"
"accidentals in music are known
as a step, up or down, in the tone.
and a caution for you:
when the steamroller's due,
do c sharp or b flat. (you can groan.)
"
"what a toothache!  it's causing you pain.
with a filling you'll feel right as rain.
a bit of amalgam
is certainly walgum.
(that rhyme!  please don't make me explain.)
"
"oedilf provides standards and guidelines.
join in, don't just sit on the sidelines.
good rhymes, jokes, and meter?
your limerick's much sweeter!
"
"bilateral symmetry's the plan
for designing a woman or man.
there's two eyes and two shins,
two ears and two chins.
(the last one's not how we began.)
"
"my dispirited gloom's become chronic.
pathetic, my life's anhedonic.
though despairing, i'm after
your limerick-caused laughter.
succeeding sometimes ? how ironic.
"
"as an appetizer, nachos were fine ?
we had chips, beans, and meat to combine.
when i said to him, ""please,
would you pass me the cheese?""
""nacho cheese,"" he said, ""this cheese is mine.""
"
"a fellow was desperate for sleep.
he decided to try counting sheep.
mathematically dumb,
he lost track of the sum.
he slept baa-adly of course, and not deep.
"
"judiciously used amput*
can shorten a limerick's dur*.
thus frustr* recedes
with slow internet feeds,
and el* sweeps over the n*!
"
"my accountant is simply the best;
he works hard on my books, i attest.
when my debits and credits
need criminous edits,
there's never a break or a rest.
"
"on the wall of the bathroom was scrawled:
here's advice that will keep you enthralled.
with that girl without hair,
an affair has great flair.
a good time? call the belle of the bald.
"
"my girlfriend is probably cuter
than my brand new, high-powered computer.
still, i kicked the girl out
(yes, i know, i'm a lout).
she came back ? guess i'll need to re-boot her.
"
"i breathe a deep sigh of relief
when an unfunny limerick is brief.
"
"some grammarians may be perturbed
if you noun when you ought to have verbed,
and your readers will weary o'
gross anthimeria;
when you english, it's best if it's curbed.
"
"i was nursing a terrible mood;
only wanted to mope and to brood.
then my brood (i mean kids)
brought me beers, popped the lids.
they were brewed.  cured my brooding.  i'm stewed.
"
"acetaminophen ? pain-killing pill.
but pronounce it? most folks lack the skill.
much simpler to say it
the j&j way. it
is tylenol. (take when you're ill.)
"
"here's to verses with anapest rhythm.
your feet cannot help tapping with 'em.
using tricks like a lithp
helps to keep the rhymes crithp.
and those beats? do make sure you don't mith 'em.
"
"it was more than a run-of-the-mill cream;
it was made for men's hair ? it was brylcreem.
just a dab, that would do ya
(the wet look would clue ya).
for a while, it was top-of-the-hill cream.
"
"open wide, now, you really must stretch
while your dentist applies acid etch.
it helps brackets adhere.
don't complain yet, my dear;
when he tightens the braces, then kvetch.
"
"an argument lacking a goal
is discussion that's out of control.
but if courtroom's the venue
for argument, then you
see lawyers fulfilling their role.
"
"there were two guys from thailand that dined
on some food that was fresh, unrefined.
said the first, ""i'd be tickled
if veggies were pickled.""
so they opened a store: thais that brined.
"
"acid radicals? that's what there'll be
when some hydrogen ions get free
from an acid.  that's it!
though it sounds, i admit,
like extremists who use lsd.
"
"captain kirk says, when star trek comes on,
""we go boldly where no man has gone.""
seems those brave and brash men
had a lecherous yen
for young virgins, with whom they would spawn.
"
"i'm fanatic for pugilist sports.
""love those boxers!"" my girlfriend exhorts.
ringside tickets? oh, yes!
and i dressed to impress,
but she wanted to see me in shorts.
"
"the casting of lady macbeth
needs a star who portrays life and death.
but the gal with the role
can't emote ? has no soul,
so she's dying on stage of bad breadth.
"
"the hucksters can make it a fraud way,
and the prostitutes pitch you on bawd way.
nonetheless, there are nights
i am drawn to the lights
and the beautiful sights here on broadway.
"
"the guy from fx thinks he's slick,
and a top-grossing movie's his shtick.
his results aren't pretty;
he levels the city.
that's known as a blockbuster flick.
"
"the greek army is just a tad kooky,
which makes their success somewhat flukey.
with mandolins raised
they attack, quite unfazed ?
each one armed with a loaded bouzouki.
"
"you were careful to myob,
up-to-date with your vendor's av.
so you screamed every blue
tla that you knew ?
your computer crashed: bsod.
"
"that practical pastry, beignet,
is a hit at most any soir?e.
it's a doughnut, and sweet,
and a mardi gras treat,
and it's square so it won't roll away.
"
"do i dare be a bee? is that me?
dress in stripes, buzz around, sting with glee?
it bewilders me, pard;
it bepuzzled the bard!
so to bee/not to bee? what's to be?
"
"the old admiral acts a bit coy,
and tells us it's girls he'd enjoy.
but in do-or-die plight,
lost at sea, late at night,
he'd be happy to find a nice buoy.
"
"so said my computer-wise cleric:
""bless this text that is alphanumeric.
these letters are fine
and the numbers divine,
but i curse at those #@%$&* esoteric.""
"
"peanut brickle is causing a stickle;
this snack has us caught in a pickle.
the candy's too tough;
what can break through this stuff?
not our molars, but maybe a brick'll.
"
"perhaps it was hit-by-a-train death,
or too-dumb-to-come-out-of-the-rain death.
no matter the cause,
any surgeon should pause
before harvesting, checking for brain death.
"
"in iraq, it's a terrible wrath
that a sarge named mcgrath clearly hath.
soon the old regime's through,
and their concubines too;
he has thrown out the babes with the ba'ath.
"
"it's the fight of the season, and all
watch the boxers to see who will fall.
between rounds there's a cutie
who's shaking her booty;
the bell brings the belle of the brawl.
"
"oh, college-bound boy, whatcha doin'?
be careful which school you're pursuin'.
become a cal bear;
i'll be proud of you there.
but at ucla? road to bruin!
"
"see the feminists burning their bras
in support of their uplifting cause.
i'm a pacifist sort;
it's for lack of support
that i offer my fervent applause.
"
"apathetic. don't care. oh, whatever.
today, or tomorrow, or never.
indifferent, blas?.
just go do it your way.
wake me up when you say something clever.
"
"i gave listening to abba a whirl
(though my friends said their songs made them hurl).
to the disco i'm lurching
to spend my night searching
for diggin, the dancing queen girl.
"
"it's not alzheimer's. just be at ease ?
it's okay when you can't find your keys.
but if you're confused
about how keys are used,
consider a checkup soon, please.
"
"we use beeswax in candles that glow
and in crayons lined up in a row.
and bees' secretive facts
for secreting this wax?
they're none of your beeswax, you know.
"
"al-qaeda's a terrorist corps.
9/11 made bush declare war.
but when bush's attack
was aimed at iraq
did it even his father's old score?
"
"your new cellphone packs oodles of thrills,
and to use it you've mastered new skills.
many features came free,
but this dampened your glee:
activation ? your fee's fifty bills.
"
"i was waiting on tables for pennies;
i was dead on my feet (wearing tennies).
to keep dishing these suppers
i need to take uppers,
but my benefits don't include bennies.
"
"in limericks i manage to cobble,
my english is sometimes awobble.
when push comes to shove,
i am hardly above
accenting an errant syllable.
"
"young esther, in second trimester,
blamed chester, molester from leicester.
""she's a jester,"" said chester,
""i request that you test her.
schizophrenia?  yes, poly-esther.""
"
"it will bug you and leave you no rest,
try your patience, perhaps make you stressed.
it will take all your time
for just five lines of rhyme;
it's a limerick, my friends, an' a pest.
"
"at filene's or at macy's she'll score;
it's a discount she seeks in a store.
armed with naught but her fists,
while a deal still exists,
she will fight for a bargain once more.
"
"a jew, on day eight, feels a snip,
and we hope that the mohel won't slip.
when you're holding a bris,
you should not be remiss ?
always offer the mohel a tip.
"
"go see anableps anableps, guys;
i surmise that you'll get a surprise.
in sex they are branded
as left- or right-handed:
the fish that we've nicknamed ""four eyes.""
"
"there's a bullfrog who's itchin' to goad
the batrachians set to explode.
but his mom says ""no, thanks!""
to his lily pad pranks.
""just for once, can't you do what you're toad?""
"
"the taverner died late last spring;
left a will with a very strange thing.
it made his dog mutt
the new owner. guess what?
that means mutt is the barking bar king.
"
"father's sisters were always bighearted.
i miss them.  they're newly departed.
in touch though they're dead?
my new medium said,
""now say 'aunts' ? it will help us get started.""
"
"antidisestablishmentarian-
ism, a movement contrarian,
said, ""church and state mixed!""
but the group was deep-sixed;
it was quashed by the parliamentarian.
"
"se?ores, it's sure great to see ya
in new mexico's town agua fria.
it's here, i've been told,
that the water's damn cold;
going swimming's a loco idea.
"
"for hors d'oeuvres i've an appetite hearty,
but i'm never invited to party.
i guess they can't dig my
loud gas ? borborygmi.
too bad that's the life of the farty.
"
"for breakfast, here comes aunt jemima;
she knows that i'm no wisenheima.
her syrupy grace
stuffs a hungry man's face.
there's no waffling ? no food is sublima.
"
"when i fight, i'm no good and i lose,
so i ooze and turn colorful hues.
i'm a mope, you'll perceive,
but i hope you'll believe
in my story: the birth of the bruise.
"
"the chemists emphatically state,
""here's some boron ? we think it is great!
symbol b, number five:
oh, we feel so alive!""
boy, they sure are a bore on a date.
"
"to a bachelor of science, success
is a four-year degree, nothing less.
and at most any school,
nothing more is the rule.
either way, it's the same old bs.
"
"in love, bertha's paid all her dues;
every man that she dates is bad news.
seems she can't find a beau
who won't make her feel low;
that's why romance gives bertha the blues.
"
"your computer is acting possessed.
frequent crashes are making you stressed.
it's an error in coding
you got from downloading,
and ignoring the hint: beta test.
"
"when the ultimate answer was due,
deep thought pondered and said, ""forty-two.""
""that just will not suffice.
we need more,"" said the mice.
""what's the question? we haven't a clue.""
"
"aleph-null is an infinite set.
cantor showed it's the smallest you get.
infinity rises.
sets come in all sizes.
to some theorists, georg was all wet.
"
"that aether can make you feel funny.
it can change you from gloomy to sunny.
a whiff of gas, here,
and strange visions appear.
hey look!, it's the white aether bunny.
"
"to a maiden, the warlock opined,
""to reject me, you'd have to be blind.
i'm the 'world's greatest louver'.""
the words did not move her;
casting spells like that gets you maligned.
"
"read the comics, and here's what you'll see:
superheroes are screaming, ""aiieee!""
i would like to explain:
they're enraged or in pain.
but pronounce it? aiieee, i'm at sea!
"
"from my wife came the ultimate word:
""build a badminton court!""  i was spurred
to create what would please her,
but failed to appease her.
why else would she flip me the bird?
"
"claude's football skills, out on display,
made a lasting impression today.
when his contract talks start,
he's perfecting his art,
so it's: ""show me,"" he says, ""the monet.""
"
"mount st. helens, volcanic in fame,
since erupting has not been the same.
she felt chic, at her peak;
now she's pallid and bleak.
she's a crestfallen, ashen-faced dame.
"
"my boomerang flew from my hand.
understand, it was clear it would land
at the hand where it started
(pre-planned it departed).
i caught it and cocked my arm and ...
"
"the bitch at the bar tells you, ""mate,
my barbiturate keeps you sedate.
so you'll favor me, please,
when we score the wet t's.""
(the bar bitch you rate maybe an eight.)
"
"when you always have sex on the brain,
sextra letters appear.  i'll sexplain:
unsexpungable esses
sexplode from sexcesses;
sexactly, your mind sexpects strain.
"
"in the physically fit revolutions,
flat abs make such strong contributions.
for chances increased
try consulting a priest.
they are specialists ? seek ab-solutions.
"
"gotta get me an adulterator.
make those kids grow up sooner, not later.
what's that comment you said?
i'll corrupt them instead?
guess i'm stuck as my family's pater.
"
"duh duh duh duh duh duh ? whatta pain!
that anapest beats on my brain.
this rhythm confines
all my lyrical lines
into limericks. it drives me insane.
"
"call them parasols, bumbershoots, golly!
the english stay dry with a brolly.
in the u.s., a fella
prefers an umbrella.
in windstorms, to use one is folly.
"
"in cuba, a tease known as anna
is eating a yellow banana.
that's a fruit with appeal
(a lascivious meal!).
all the men drive with zeal to havana.
"
"when your wallet's gone flat from the bleeding,
chapter 7 provides useful reading.
but it might have been apter
to first read a chapter
on how to avoid the proceeding.
"
"in china, the asians stay thinner;
each meal is a healthy man's winner.
be their guest? you demurred.
(you just couldn't have heard,
""we'll be woking the dog before dinner."")
"
"a congenital problem to rue:
no vagina leaves life all askew.
but a female physician
can't fix the condition;
it's amann's operation to do.
"
"""my sadie, our ways you've forsaken!
a goy for a husband you've taken?
not kosher? a faker?""
""relax, he's a baker,
and that's why he brings home the bakin'.""
"
"some cross-dressing guys told me this:
""our pageant deserves a boo, hiss!
oh, sure, we'll parade,
but an error's been made;
we can tell that one entrant's amiss.""
"
"it's competitive, here on this cruise;
every team has a color they choose.
in the cabin next door,
they chose red for their corps.
as for us, we're the berth of the blues.
"
"the auto assembly line flies;
we're creating a car from supplies.
but the parts that i use
have run out.  there's no shoes.
""gee, you'll gimme a brake, won't you guys?""
"
"please stare at this verse versatile,
and focus on form but not style.
then close your eyes next ?
did you still see this text?
an after-image lasts for a while.
"
"football's bcs ranking controls
which colleges play in which bowls.
this method's obscure,
but it guarantees your
team won't capture its preseason goals.
"
"the wheels that we ride on today
mean our autos don't drag like a sleigh.
we build streets that are strong
where our cars roll along,
because where there's a wheel there's a way.
"
"general nuisance called staff to a meeting;
private matters' attention was fleeting ?
not an admiral trait.
colonel korn set his fate:
corporal punishment gave him a beating.
"
"bulwer-lytton wrote tales oft retold
'bout a round table hero, so bold:
he, with skin black as coal,
and with rage in his soul
was a dark stormy knight to behold.
"
"a nuclear war, armageddon,
is probably where we are headin'.
our warhead production
ensures mass destruction.
sleep tight ? hope your blanket is leaden.
"
"an athlete in training can view
lifting weights as a fine thing to do,
and then later make tracks
to the pub and relax ?
maybe pick up a bar belle or two.
"
"there'snoroomonthefreewaytoday;
it'satypicaldayinl.a.
hearthatjerkblowhishorn
whilewesithereforlorn;
traffic'sbumper-to-bumper?makeway!
"
"at the gym's where i huffed and i puffed;
grew so big that my clothing looks stuffed.
i have muscles like bricks,
but i flop with the chicks ?
even buff, i am getting rebuffed.
"
"a dashing young knight named sir lancelot
and his guinevere wanted to dance a lot.
at the time when he dwelt
all were lacking a belt,
so his dancing meant pulling up pants a lot.
"
"a boneheaded batter named ed
just got killed getting drilled in the head.
now i mean no offense,
but ol' ed was so dense,
in a sense, he was already dead.
"
"a bluesman who bugled the blues
blew his best, but his blues met with boos.
so he bootlegged some brews ?
got depressed on the booze:
a blue bluesman with boozy boohoos.
"
"you've papered the city with bylines;
you're famous from gutters to skylines.
you are glib with your views,
but you're skimpy with news
'cause you skip who, what, where, when, and why lines.
"
"on their wedding night, plans are replete
to indulge all their passions with heat.
but to harness that force,
she intends to play horse ?
big surprise in disguise: bridle suite.
"
"sir lancelot taught him to fight,
but the jousting was cause for affright.
he had horrible visions
of violent collisions,
and things that go bump in the knight.
"
"surgeon general's warnings evoked
not a thing for the bullfrog who smoked.
""i'm a lily pad guy.
it's just people who die.""
(now you knew this was coming.)  he croaked.
"
"when i kissed her, she left me no doubt
that my smooch was the work of a lout.
my classroom's perplexing;
integration is vexing!
so what is school bussing about?
"
"he must feed his most burning desire:
see flames leaping hungrily higher.
a pyro is ghoulish,
and though it seems fuelish,
he's bound to keep playing with fire.
"
"it's so odd with the words i arrange
that a suffix effects such a change.
from things unsurpassed,
something monstrous we cast,
when from best we make bestial. how strange!
"
"our choral director demands
we obey ? that his word is what stands,
as if haloed were we.
""now we sing aura lee!""
well, how else? we can't sing with our hands.
"
"at the navy's most elegant bash,
i behaved in a manner most rash.
in the midst of a dance,
to my cheeky advance,
she said, ""sir, you should polish your brash!""
"
"a paunch at your waist, that's a gut.
and a slice on your thumb, that's a cut.
on your body, it's clear,
you've got parts near and dear.
those two cheeks of your rear? they abut.
"
"at weigh stations, trucks must delay
while they check if their weight is okay.
so we put the good word in,
""trucks, check on your burden,
'cause where there's a wheel there's a weigh.""
"
"though i curse limerick verse in revulsion,
can't stop though i drop in convulsion.
five anapest lines
that are dressed to the nines
can't suppress this obsessive compulsion.
"
"couch potatoes unite!  do not whine,
with no muscles you still have a spine.
take a lesson from me ?
i'm as limp as can be,
but the trophy for atrophy's mine.
"
"what an evening that e. has just chaired;
no one else and his product compared.
he's ablaze through the night
(is he faster than light?) ?
mr. e is a fine emcee squared.
"
"take two doubles, and add in one toil,
add one trouble and bring to a boil.
aft the bard wrote macbeth,
he would guard to his death:
""which witch was his favorite goil?""
"
"gotta sneeze 'cause i'm feeling a breeze:
gonna freeze, ill at ease, geez louise!
all the people just stare ?
i should hide!  under where?
i'm exposed in my new bvds.
"
"in jellystone park, people stare
at the nudists with nothing to wear.
but the naturist scene
stays composed and serene;
it's no booboo they choose yoga bare.
"
"in the fifties, across the whole nation
a bohemian writing sensation
kept poets inspired;
today we're just tired.
either way, it's a beat generation.
"
"i've a tree in my yard in a plight;
all its leaves are diseased ? it's a sight.
and the skin of that tree
peels to such a degree
that its bark is much worse than its blight.
"
"in scotland, where castles were built,
and they speak with a brogue and a lilt,
put a man in a dress
and you'll hear him confess,
""laddie, och, i would sooner be kilt.""
"
"way up high, in the cold himalaya,
the abominable snowman's a playa.
you may see only tracks,
yeti often attacks.
himalayan in wait; say a praya.
"
"ammophilous ? man, it can fool ya.
""loves ammo"" ? a gun that can cool ya?
the true meaning's bland;
it's ""thriving in sand.""
and thank you for lettin' me school ya.
"
"mighty ajax! we once raised our drink;
to that fleet-footed hero we'd clink.
ancient greeks were adoring.
today you're just boring:
you clean out the toilet and sink.
"
"can she speak anglo-saxon, let's test her:
she knows to say worcester or leicester!
though she even knows gloucester,
she's still an impostor
from oregon.  she's a nor'weicester.
"
"amidah's said in silent devotion,
while standing, with knee-bending motion.
may your prayers be sincere,
although no one can hear.
so ad lib it if you've got the notion.
"
"those amazon women of fame
were so strong and so bold, all acclaim.
one can only assume
that they'd fuss and they'd fume
'bout a bookstore co-opting their name.
"
"among all the angels, one serves
who's the tops. she's the one who preserves
from those lines we may fashion,
those drawn with compass-ion.
she's an archangel.  check out her curves.
"
"abracadabra and presto ?
i keep my cards close to my vesto.
i'm distracting your focus
with more hocus-pocus;
you'll trust any thing i suggesto.
"
"you need circular area?  gee,
""pi r squared"" always works right for me.
met the baker, last night,
and he said, ""that's not right!
pi r round, as you plainly can see.""
"
"we would realize a lifelong ambition
(erudition in every submission?)
if our peers' admiration
and oedilf's aspiration
meet up in a dead tree edition.
"
"a pilot viewed charts with disdain.
""the airports can't move,"" he'd maintain.
where he's formerly flown
there's a savings and loan;
it's a cinch he'll be banking the plane.
"
"her new love's like a runaway cart;
in a week it's ""'til death do us part.""
though her actions are rash,
and there might be a crash,
there's no way that she's braking her heart.
"
"kinky koko the clown tried a new nose ?
not a difference-of-shape, but of-hue nose.
no longer he lingers
at soirees for swingers;
he's shrinking from kink as a bluenose.
"
"my spirits are starting to sag;
this colostomy's really a drag.
what's the worst of the blues?
i love fashions and hues ?
but no shoes are a match to the bag.
"
"my wife was so sleepy. she said,
""i'll be resting my weary old head.""
what a scene hits my eyes ?
what's it mean, this surprise?
what a clever disguise ? she's a bed!
"
"she denies she's a true barracuda ?
says she's kind, and we've all misconstrueda.
so i said, ""there's a chance.
here's my hand in romance.""
which she ate.  guess i shoulda escheweda.
"
"a schoolboy, residing in chatham,
used ""atem"" for ""at them"" and spat 'em
at the teacher, who pleaded
""you well know what's needed:
an apostrophe splitting the at 'em.""
"
"from the time i was little, a child,
how i loved to be laughing, beguiled
by the silliest things,
like a push on the swings.
now you know ? i was born to be wiled.
"
"an osaka investor in tune
with the market is fearing a swoon.
""the investment for me?
stock that's strong as a tree!
it's only the bonsai will prune.""
"
"hades-bound for a character flaw?
there's no ferry? now, that's the last straw!
i'd sooner be sharin'
a boat ride with charon.
damned swimming? that styx in my craw.
"
"""the municipal band's undermanned.
out of tune.  out of sync,"" critics panned.
""they just can't play a lick,
and they sound like 'mu-sick'.
change their name to municipal banned.""
"
"black-eyed susan? a flower, of course:
a bouquet of them might show remorse.
but your rue must be true,
or you know what she'll do:
black-eyed susan will file for divorce.
"
"""hey, jay, i am going away.
thanks for dog-sitting fido today.""
but what fido destroyed
left your friend so annoyed ?
that's the end for the petulant jay.
"
"god bade adam and eve to a meetin';
thus he spake, ""thou have sinned.  thou art cheatin'.
of my fruit thou partake
(as so sayeth the snake).
whudjew t'ink? it's da garden o' eatin'?""
"
"there's a twist to our story of yore,
wherein oliver wants a bit more.
his great expectations?
bologna for rations.
""it's the wurst of times!"" ollie'd implore.
"
"the atmosphere does what it must,
and the weatherman tries to adjust.
today, with aplomb,
he predicts the air's calm.
""that's no windstorm,"" he says, in disgust.
"
"archimedes, sicilian by birth,
mathematician and thinker of worth.
eureka! so clever,
with fulcrum and lever,
he boasted, ""i'll move the whole earth.""
"
"no prefix more useless than this,
attached to the front we find: dis.
were that syllable banned,
then our lives would be grand;
we'd be cordant and mayed, in our bliss.
"
"we have a new infant.  it may be
his wardrobe is stretching my pay.  be
that so, we're no fools;
we'll provide him with jewels.
it's a joy to be blinging up baby.
"
"see that actress (the peach-colored blouse)?
i'm so proud of my thespian spouse!
see her diamonds and gold?
so much flash to behold ?
she is hoping to bling down the house.
"
"with a zest for all things, full of vim,
and a cupful of life, to the brim,
seeking thrills at all times
he writes dangerous rhymes;
he's determined to risk life and lim.
"
"proverbial phrases (called bywords)
overused may decay into dry words.
but a limerick can play
at the language buffet,
with an em dash of mustard on rye words.
"
"""i invented a rifle ? a peach.
see the rear of the barrel ? the breech?
you load bullets right there,
and no gun can compare!""
""breech of promise,"" said some, to my speech.
"
"pageant judge is a duty i shoulder;
for contestants in swimsuits i smolder.
the crowd thinks i oughter
pick the beekeeper's daughter ?
true beauty lies with the bee holder.
"
"true beauty lies with the beholder ?
a duty an aesthete must shoulder.
though beauty draws nigh,
much less often she'll lie
with an aesthete as he's growing older.
"
"pretty bali's an island with flair ?
indonesian, and none can compare.
indisputable fact:
all the night clubs are packed.
bali dancing is popular there.
"
"it's priggish ? a bit of a farce:
to avoid saying ass we say arse.
one can only conclude
that it's true that a prude
who is flatulent passes some garse.
"
"two bakers, at first turtledovin',
progressed to some serious lovin'.
their fun barely ceased
when they found (without yeast!)
they were raisin' a bun in the oven.
"
"on my ranch i'd employ the best hands,
but they make such excessive demands.
just for marking my herd,
that much money? absurd!
i'll keep shopping for discounted brands.
"
"as a lawyer, there's nobody baser;
you'd think that her methods disgrace her.
though it's strange, here we are
getting soused in a bar,
drinking beer with an ambulance chaser.
"
"got some apricot jam in this pot;
on my bread, this sweet spread hits the spot.
it's the treat i would choose
after taking a snooze;
it's the fruit that i use apr?s cot.
"
"using biotechnology means
i've been cloned by some helpful machines.
it surprised me to see
that he's not just like me.
i wear suits; he wears secondhand jeans.
"
"where does bunker hill monument sit?
bunker hill? i'm afraid that's not it.
a bostonian knows
that this obelisk goes
up on breed's hill ? remember this bit!
"
"so your colony's got no romance?
want those insects to get up and dance?
catch a clue from their queen ?
it's a phero-moan scene
that will bring back the pants in your ants.
"
"around and around and around,
there's simply no end to be found.
unchanging conditions
for all repetitions ?
around and around and around.
"
"this bubblegum flavor's a new chew;
it's a marketing-research-to-do chew.
where's it made? chattanooga.
will taste buds ah-ooh-ga?
will bubbles be blown with this chew-chew?
"
"seven dwarves for snow white: start with sneezy,
then dopey and doc ? this is breezy.
there's happy and sleepy
and grumpy, who's creepy
(but no bashful ? he's shy and uneasy).
"
"the movie star hasn't a clue
in a pool-shooting scene ? what to do?
the director gets sore
and can't take any more
when the actor keeps missing his cue.
"
"when i die, it's my lawyer who bears
the duty to close my affairs.
but i love a good joke,
so i'm gonna die broke
and leave laughing while putting on heirs.
"
"""what's my calling?"" i thought, in my youth.
i imagined a dentist or sleuth.
though it's both that i'd bandy,
detecting's now dandy;
it seems i can't handle the tooth.
"
"cumin, basil! i'm making amends
to rosemary, thyme anger ends,
and to herb, who's been chili,
anise poppy, sage willie;
i'm a man for all seasonings, friends.
"
"there are those who would stifle a voice,
like a bowdler, who'd limit our choice
to some reading for sissies
(a censored ulysses).
thank god we have freedom of joyce.
"
"my thoughts were so wretched, amiss;
would a shrink help recapture life's bliss?
but he messed with my head,
so i mooned him and said,
""i am sure you can analyze this.""
"
"it's a beefy meal carnivores eat;
a big steak makes their dinner complete.
but vegans hate beefy;
they much prefer leafy.
there's a mete; they'll not meet over meat.
"
"motorola makes phones (yes, they're cell).
can't afford one, though surely they're swell.
but the knockoffs seem viable;
i've a hunch they are buyable.
quasi-moto is ringing my bell.
"
"boll weevils are cottony evils;
their trips through the fields cause upheavals.
to get them to stop
from destroying your crop,
you must get to the route of all weevils.
"
"my parakeet met the grim reaper,
and i sought to replace my poor peeper.
gave the salesman a nudge. he
replied, ""budget budgie?
i've a chick that's on sale ? little cheaper.""
"
"""you'll adore me,"" i said to her, chattily,
""true love means you won't answer cattily.
it's stamps i collect,
so romance i expect.""
""you'll get nowhere with fawning philately.""
"
"brutish and blaming, for he
is as .......... ignorant as he can be.
grant no ... grace to a man
of the ....... other man's clan ?
that's the . theory that bigots decree.
"
"there's a rabbi who's sly as a fox,
but his crimes give the rebbetzin shocks.
she expects he'd finagle
cream cheese and a bagel,
but burgle? the guy can pick lox!
"
"a vacation where mickey's a must,
or a surgical shortcut to lust?
should the cash in the chests
buy a trip or new breasts?
she must choose:  california or bust.
"
"five photos of doors on display
at the artist's exhibit today:
each is lettered and glassed,
and the one unsurpassed
is a picture of door e in gray.
"
"the wealthiest person from perth
booked passage befitting his worth.
but his cabin was hideous ?
a plot most insidious?
no, simply an accident of berth.
"
"my number one goal? this a test?
it's a fact that i'm driven to jest
in five anapest lines
with a limerick that shines.
prhyme directive fulfilled, i can rest.
"
"two men, both with arrows and bows,
taking part in the sport that they chose;
or pranksters aquiver
o'er jokes they deliver ?
both archery? nobody knows.
"
"mathematicians discovering pi:
2 ? r 'round the circle, but why?
and why not, they were struck,
should we not make a buck?
but alas, that was ? in the sky.
"
"at the lingerie shop, she complains,
""this brassiere lifts so high that it pains!
and i haven't a clue
as to what i should do,
though i'm sitting here racking my brains.""
"
"the old mendicant kindles the fire;
for his breakfast he needs the flames higher.
the food that he's makin'
(some eggs and some bacon)
goes from frying pan into the friar.
"
"it's rhythm, a lexical beat,
that makes limericks a treat to repeat,
and it's only the cheater
who disregards meter
for which i would happily provide an example, but then all sorts of people would rain unending criticism on my head and my limerick would never be complete.
"
"attacks?  and our borders are lax?
politicians will claim those are facts.
though the pols cite these stressors,
there are no aggressors.
instead of attacks there's a tax.
"
"when i told him his poetry stank,
and i called him a blankety-blank,
i was, in my cursing,
too hard on his versing.
his royalties go bankety-bank.
"
"""alack and alas!"" people sigh.
those words mean that something's awry;
there's a sorrowful plight.
but the saying's not right,
'cause a lack of a lass makes me cry.
"
"the wild west harbored many a perp
and a lawman that none could usurp.
the bandits who belched
found their liberty squelched
by the sheriff they called qwyatt burp.
"
"a boozy astronomer tried
his observing while he was still fried.
being clumsy, the dope
smacked his skull on a 'scope,
and saw stars, which he drunkenly eyed.
"
"he's obsequious, no one disputes;
how he fawns o'er execs in their suits.
he's a low-hanging fruit picker ?
god, what a bootlicker!
you'd think that they wore chocolate boots.
"
"""dave and howard, yioux shouldn't tease sioux
by misspelling sioux words like canioux!
it is yioux i shall blame
if yioux keep up this game!
it is yioux whioux sioux'll sioux if yioux dioux!""
"
"special soap in my tub, water's run,
and i splashed in the bubbles 'til done.
then with internet stocks,
lost my shirt (and my socks!).
both were bubble baths (one was more fun).
"
"absurdism's lacking in rhymes,
while big ben offers plenty of chimes.
in a stunning non-sequitur
bob said, ""the heck wit' her!""
(reported, page one, la times.)
"
"at the sausage works, grinders were fed
a mechanic who'd keeled over dead.
i said to a crony,
""that's wrong!  that's baloney!""
""what's the wurst that could happen?"" he said.
"
"at thanksgiving, it's math we apply
to decide when the table's piled high.
when they're round, tables bear
food that fills pi r square.
euclid have some dessert: pumpkin ?.
"
"aspire to greatness! you may
become famous or wealthy some day.
but just aspiration
without perspiration?
that's daydreaming life all away.
"
"the holocaust, auschwitz: bad news
for gypsies, for gays, and for jews.
murdered by gas,
burned in ovens en masse.
""never again,"" we must choose.
"
"""our vegetable farmers profess
they've no knowledge of crops for the press.""
so our president speaks
when he talks about leeks
in his state of the onion address.
"
"grabbed the coop from my pigeons (they'll fly),
and a lady from bangkok. now i
can attend, like a winner,
a fancy-pants dinner;
i'll come with a cote and a thai.
"
"i thought william a healer.  i'm silly!
my chakras are strewn willy-nilly.
align? not this quack.
just a line, ""now i'm back.""
oh, where have you been, shaman billy?
"
"sherlock holmes was retained to reveal
the fate of the vanishing meal.
the case turned banal
when holmes found a canal.
""alimentary,"" he said, ""no big deal.""
"
"obedience school? fido's snicker
informs me i'll have to be slicker.
his attitude's set;
he thinks i am the pet,
and he knows i can't handle my licker.
"
"""i'm no rat,"" said the girl, ""i won't tell!""
now the debutante's locked in a cell.
to pursue their objectives,
a team of detectives
interrogate ? wringing the belle.
"
"troy aikman, of quarterback fame,
led the cowboys in many a game.
after linemen had sacked him,
and body pains wracked him,
poor aikman lived up to his name.
"
"""yo homes, you sho' bustin' some rhyme ?
it's a crime i don' drop ya a dime.""
""keep yo cash outta sight
'cause we solid, a'ight?
it's a gift rap, m' man, and it's prhyme.""
"
"at madame tussaud's, several backs
sport a deadly and blood-dripping ax.
these are real, not charades,
and these murderous blades
are the source for the name house of whacks.
"
"my teacher avowed long ago
that averred was a word we'd not know.
but my yiddishe zayde
said, ""crazy, dat lady!
a vord is a vord! is she slow?""
"
"was it right only righties were deft?
and that teachers left lefties bereft?
when lefties are branded,
it's not evenhanded.
right a wrong when you write with your left.
"
"relativity's theorems delight;
mass increases with speed of your flight.
and a dieter's ploy's
watching avoirdupois:
would he rather go faster than light?
"
"babylonia: long disappeared.
brilliant thinkers of old pioneered:
an eye for an eye,
hanging gardens and pi.
but counting by sixties was weird.
"
"he said, ""dinner's the bet?"" i said, ""aye,
and the loser buys t-bones and pie.""
""at the best place in town?""
""hold your horses!  slow down!
'cause i think that those steaks are too high.""
"
"stop your fawning, my deer, and i'll start
buying anise and mace by the cart.
it will spice up the rill
where you lap up your fill.
i'll say, ""zing! went the springs of my hart.""
"
"how bitter the tears that she's wept
o'er the name that she's sorely yclept.
with a last name like lear,
the name shanda is queer.
how can parents have been so inept?
"
"a los angeles murderous tale:
it's gruesome; it's gory; you'll pale.
the black dahlia was killed!
someone surgically skilled
bisected her ? never faced jail.
"
"some rabbits are drunk.  their bizarre hopping
stops them from getting too far, hopping.
they stumble and slide
into pubs where they're plied,
and the bunnies get fried while they're barhopping.
"
"here's the plan when your hunger attacks:
sun-dried grapes make your tummy relax.
they're an energy burst;
you should reach for them first ?
they're the best raisin d'etre for snacks.
"
"on her job application, her stints
as a maid to the royals convince
the forensics recruiter
employment will suit her:
who better to dust for the prints?
"
"there once was a hobo named bo
who scrounged nickels wherever he'd go.
he'd make lovely designs
by carving in lines,
which today sell for serious dough.
"
"for amusement, the ferris wheel curls
round and round through the sky as it twirls.
when we fly through the air
we hear screams from voltaire:
""it's the best of all possible whirls!""
"
"a neophyte nun sits before
a mirror.  she hopes to restore
a flawless complexion.
astringent perfection
is needed when helping the pore.
"
"in the limericks that, herein, we write,
oft bizarrerie pops into sight,
for the lexicon carries
a wealth of vagaries.
in weirdness, word-lovers delight.
"
"watch that puck!  here's some friendly advice:
beware of those bovines on ice.
believe me, when scoring
you're risking a goring.
that's bullhockey? very precise.
"
"what's that beautiful barnyard delight?
it's a bovine with plumage (so bright!).
though i never would lie,
you've a skeptical eye.
you say ""bullfeathers!""  perfectly right.
"
"he's a leftist, and always a gent;
it's a life of compassion he's spent.
but now that's he's old,
he is bowed, like a fold,
and he's proud of his liberal bent.
"
"if an accident happens, that's fine.
it means there's no blame to assign.
so when autos collide,
why try to decide
if the accident's your fault or mine?
"
"""that door has no zing ? it's a bore,""
said my wife.  so i added a chore,
scrawling anapest rhyme
(lines of five at a time)
round the frame ? nicely limning the door.
"
"where to go in a nuclear war?
try a nuclear disco. in store:
as the earth burned (see dante),
they'd play belafonte.
apocalypso's the name on the door.
"
"when my classmates were answering roll,
they responded with ""present"", each soul.
uncreative repeating ?
like sheep with their bleating!
will no one yell ""absent""?  (how droll.)
"
"a teeny bikini? oh my!
that swimsuit's a treat for the eye.
why so sad, so bereft?
it's the prom dress you left
in the dryer three weeks, set on high?
"
"a glamorous girl (she's a prize)
grew antennae that rose toward the skies.
those feelers were cute
and quite useful to boot.
seems her aerials picked up some guys.
"
"there's the bull that the cows try to woo,
clumsy bulls in a china shop, too.
there's a bull from a pope,
and pure bull from a dope,
and a bull who's got gum on his shoe.
"
"they aver, ""money talks.""  they don't lie.
the real affluent know this ? here's why:
see, the rich and their dough
get to start with ""hello,""
but my paycheck just waves me ""goodbye.""
"
"at the pet store, i bought an iguana
who bosses me 'round like he's bwana.
it sticks in my craw
that i'm under his paw,
so my next pet's a hungry piranha.
"
"the pre-nup agreement, in draft,
was so daft that i ruefully laughed.
the contract's short shrift?
if our home has a lift,
she will keep it while i get the shaft.
"
"""let's dispense with biology's chains!
i'll build people from parts,"" he explains.
""with some thought you will find
i've your future in mind ?
'cause today i'll be picking your brains.""
"
"manhattanites shiver and cower
at midnight ? it's dracula's hour!
he's drinking in blood
(betta deal wit' dat, bud!)
at the vampire state building tower.
"
"the beach boys need haircuts.  the plan
is to visit their barber ? a man
whose effeminate air
in the chair with their hair
makes them nickname the guy ""barber anne"".
"
"as a linguist, i think it's a cheat
that amphibrach follows a beat
that's not amphibrach meter.
the language is sweeter
when descriptions match metrical feet.
"
"although gus would prefer a sarcophagus,
he's caught by a crazed anthropophagus.
not for cannibal stew,
gus imbues a fine brew!
all the man-eaters relish a quaff o' gus.
"
"abu dhabi's emir, in the fez,
is so happy to meet with our prez.
he wears persian apparel;
we're over a barrel.
""and oil's well that ends well,"" he says.
"
"in the home where my children were raised,
in the style of 's the trail that we blazed,
for my trendspotting spouse
ran this copycat house,
and our motto was ""a la be praised.""
"
"""write a lullaby, brahms!"" he agrees
to write music as soft as the breeze.
soon the players implore,
""won't johannes the score?""
but they play a few notes, and then ... zzz's.
"
"like a shot from a high-powered blaster,
the armored car driver drove faster.
sliding into a curve,
just avoiding a swerve,
he came back from the brinks of disaster.
"
"my voice is beginning to cronk. i
can tell that my nose will soon honk. i
can scarce draw a breath
and face imminent death
through this tracheal pain ? bucking bronchi.
"
"i search through the streets ? i'm no quitter;
you see only junk ? i see glitter.
the alleys yield trash
that i turn into cash,
'cause i'm first for the pick of the litter.
"
"all the assets were sold where i work;
corporate raiders were going berserk.
then my girl, in a snit,
took my money and split.
""breakup value,"" she said, with a smirk.
"
"a security leak quickly reaches
the chief of detectives, who screeches,
""get cracking, my corps.
get advice ? find a whore.
get an expert in zipping up breaches.""
"
"there once was a gal, shelly sutton,
with an eye-catching, strange belly button.
she endured navel battle
'til a surgeon said, ""that'll
be fixed with some quick belly cuttin'.""
"
"the bank robber's cornered, he's stuck.
like clyde barrow, he's plumb out of luck.
but he swallows the jack,
throws the cops off the track ?
not the last time he's passing the buck.
"
"william shakespeare, the limericist, spends
every minute on verse for his friends.
with the clock's final chime,
he's, alas, out of time;
in a crunch, he writes ""all's well that ends.""
"
"a tall tale of a sailor at sea:
when his engine room flooded, then he
plugged the leak with his nose,
worked the pump with his toes.
you say, ""bilgewater!"" he would agree.
"
"dad's sister's resources were scanty;
she was forced to reside in a shanty.
but now she's just fine ?
playing poker online,
she's won millions, thus upping the auntie.
"
"we cried ""nerd!"", and he thought us absurd.
we yelled ""birdbrain!"" and scarcely he stirred.
then we tried ""red delicious!"" ?
he quickly turned vicious!
it's the worst appellation he's heard.
"
"it's a film that the critics find grating
and a bomb that the public is hating.
""it's a loser, a snooze,""
say the news and reviews.
it's receiving a proper berating.
"
"in d.c., a political faction
on the hill kills a bill ? there's no traction.
introduce legislation?
that leads to frustration:
an example of congress in action.
"
"a fisherman gaily relates
that he's cheaper than all of his mates.
what keeps him so chipper?
this great coupon clipper
is priming his hooks with re-baits.
"
"the truth in a good allegory
is symbolically wrapped in the story.
it may sound like the scene
after 'gator cuisine ?
a falsehood derived a priori.
"
"we're unable to care for each other ?
self-destruct while we kill one another.
the way we behave
shapes the future we crave.
karmageddon's a bitch, ain't it brother?
"
"in abelian groups, when computing,
with operands there's no refuting:
the expression bc
is the same as cb.
not en route to your job, yet commuting.
"
"in that antediluvian clime,
seems the world was all groovy, sublime.
now we're stressed by the floods;
mud has messed up our duds,
'cause you know we are toeing the slime.
"
"meet my butcher ? my ham-handed crony;
most times what he tells you is phony.
when he ventures his meat
is the best (""can't be beat!""),
rest assured that he's full of baloney.
"
"an industrious student named ddl
lost his way in a library ccl.
in search of a drum,
he's increasingly glum.
seems the quest has him over a bbl.
"
"times were tough and their wallets were thin,
so some flammable gases (my kin)
sold their home.  thought they'd dwell
in a low-rent motel.
last i heard they're acetylene in.
"
"though my story is trite and banal,
i fashioned a golden calf doll
which i plastered with money.
you may find that funny,
but i sure have a lot on the baal.
"
"shooting dice, he invariably crapped,
and in love he was so often slapped.
just imagine his thrill
upon finding a skill,
when with microsoft word he was ""apped"".
"
"to play yahtzee, my set won't suffice ?
parts are missing, to be more precise.
now i'm absent the joy
of the game we'd employ;
it annoys me to tell you, ""no dice!""
"
"""'tis nobler to suffer the slings
of the sea, from which yon arrow springs...""
the public's deep-sixing
my metaphor mixing.
they call me ""the barred"" for such things.
"
"o, lord, i'm a blasphemous one.
please forgive me ? i'm under the gun.
the reason i'm damned
is this website is crammed
with ungodly temptations to pun.
"
"is the bible a schoolteacher's quiz?
is the lord a mathematical whiz?
i see numbers and more ?
there are three fathers fore???
what's this ""go forth and multiply"" biz?
"
"those three little words that endeared
said the man of my dreams had appeared:
so free with affection,
love's perfect selection.
said my man, ""paint your house?"" and i teared.
"
"it's the outcome that filled me with dread:
now my prototype monster is dead.
acephaly killed him.
i aim to rebuild him;
already, i'm planning ahead.
"
"if your face is as oily as pennzoil,
what you need is a treatment with benzoyl.
peroxide, that is.
be you mr. or ms.,
buy some clearasil.  use it to cleanse oil.
"
"in china, the underwear's white,
and the men are bemoaning their plight.
""our skivvies are boring,
impeding our scoring!""
it's a boxer rebellion, all right.
"
"i'm after a laptop that's notable:
one lighter than light, always totable,
one that fits in a jar,
one i'd take to a bar,
a computer that's potent and potable.
"
"my girlfriend got pregnant ? no good.
daddy's angry? that's well understood.
the creep had me beat
and then turned up the heat ?
we got pastorized quick as we could.
"
"there's a yeoman who's steadfast, on guard
at the tower of london's old yard.
though he answers to beefeater,
watch! he's a leaf eater ?
making his name a canard.
"
"never won a scholastic award ?
i'm as dumb as a tree, all accord.
still it's clear, i conclude ?
the conductor was rude
when he yelled in my face, ""all aboard!""
"
"international all hallow's eve:
many costumes for you to perceive!
there's a striped barber pole,
some fine china (drum roll),
and a czech in the mail, i believe.
"
"a standoffish and distant ""hello""
is the best i can manage to show.
this is positive proof
to the world i'm aloof.
""what's a loof?"" people ask.  ""i don't know!""
"
"go gather some drunks.  here's the theory:
it pays to make friends with the beery.
in ill-vented rooms
you get high off the fumes.
close the door!  let's breathe deep!  let's get cheery.
"
"vegetarian substitutes now?
not a choice that our bistros allow!
that's our pledge. it's no bull ?
you can eat 'til you're full;
with each bite you'll exclaim, ""wholly cow!""
"
"sir lancelot's wearing a frown;
it's so clear that he's mopey and down.
king arthur says, ""lance,
to feel better, go dance!
what you need is a knight on the town.""
"
"a clown can be funny or sad,
but this bozo's indecently clad.
would that someone would tell boze,
""your elbows? they're hell, boze!
striped patches look awful with plaid.""
"
"you got alzheimer's, making me cry;
though you're gone, still your body won't die.
do you recognize me?
i'm your son ? can't you see?
there's no sadder, or longer, goodbye.
"
"a broker who brokered a deal
wound up broker than jokes could conceal.
""there's no brokered deal broken,""
so spoke the bloke, jokin'.
holy smokes! the broke bloke choked for real.
"
"i'm a guy with a very short fuse,
and i work at this bar pushing booze.
the first guy to arrive
said, ""what's good in this dive?""
so i belted him one and yelled, ""brews!""
"
"the guy from av pulled the shades;
there were tests on the flicks for our grades.
in the dark some were getting
unsafe with their petting ?
they got audiovisual aids.
"
"a chasm, a bottomless hole,
stirs the depths of my rhyme-tortured soul.
though my poem may stink
and perhaps you will think
it's abyss-mal ? well, that was my goal.
"
"though my african garment is flowing,
the seams are all wrong and they're showing.
""this can't be correct!""
""well, so what'dya expect?
a real boubou is what i've been sewing.""
"
"we know accuracy's crucial for clarity;
the oedilf will admit no disparity,
enforcing precision
through workshop revision.
(line five's where we sneak in hilarity.)
"
"for motion away from your middle,
abductor's the muscle you'll twiddle.
once done with its task,
might the muscle then ask
for a ransom?  perhaps ? it's a riddle.
"
"your music's too loud ? get a clue!
'cause you're making the rest of us stew.
would some dynamite chase
out your bass-thumping case?
why not see what your boom box can do?
"
"with a flowery sense of elation,
unveiling an auto sensation:
detroit's in the red,
but they'll blossom instead
with a bloomin' insane pink carnation.
"
"there's a sheep who's despondently glum;
ewe could say that her dates are all scum.
she needs macho, no scam
from a guy on the lam;
maybe someday, her ram beau will come.
"
"my wife's liquid eyes are the clues
that should warn me of coming bad news.
her postpartum depression
pervades her expression ?
baby blues that portray baby blues.
"
"is slapstick your chosen career?
i advise you that laughter comes dear.
you will need a fresh shtick
for your number to click ?
i suggest, ""be the best! pioneer!""
"
"let's contemplate falling in love,
and the metaphor conjured thereof.
should not love see us rise
in our chosen one's eyes?
no more falling ? love lifts us above.
"
"there goes elza, the devilish one;
playing catch with her brimstone is fun.
and it's heaven to dwell
in her sulfurous hell ?
cast a spell and be elza, bub? done!
"
"in baker street, 221b,
sherlock holmes battled crime on a spree.
holmes dug like a gopher.
the crook was a loafer.
'twas the baker, and ill-bred was he.
"
"i'm colorless, quite achromatic.
i'm agile, in fact, acrobatic.
that first letter's a?
it's a trait i portray.
see my gills? i've got breadth ? i'm aquatic.
"
"the word of the lord is reliable;
his truth and his love undeniable.
you'll be saved if you look
through his best-selling book;
you will find it in stores under buyable.
"
"to the mountains for skiing, i'm fleeing;
i've forgotten my goggles for seeing.
the slopes are too bright ?
there's no way i can fight
the unbearable whiteness of skiing.
"
"we should think of ourselves as trustees
of the earth, of the air, of the trees.
biohazards hold sway
'cause the bush epa
thinks the ""p"" stands for ""profits"". oh, please!
"
"my son's modeling skills start to burgeon,
and lately i hear the lad urgin',
""let's build a new kit!""
but the pieces don't fit.
i'm in need of a good plastic surgeon.
"
"i'm a gambler, and ain't it a crime
that i've bet and i've lost every dime.
that's a terrible price,
so i'm beating this vice;
ten-to-one that i make it this time.
"
"it's a practice so old, it's medieval.
the start of a week means upheaval.
after weekend vacation
comes rude agitation.
yes, monday's the root of all evil.
"
"a rapper with rhymes in the crapper
takes a ride in a time-machine zapper.
to the sixties he flies,
joins the bouncy-song guys,
and does fine as a bubblegum rapper.
"
"it's the ultimate bash of the year;
if you're clay and absorbent, you're here!
wipe that smudge from your collar ?
your wife's sure to holler,
""just where have you bentonite, dear?""
"
"there were jewels in the store, so we took 'em.
there were fakes here and there; we forsook 'em.
just our luck that the fence
was a lawman's pretense;
couldn't book 'fore the copper said, ""book 'em!""
"
"a wannabe ballplayer tries
the outfield; he's catching some flies.
but the major league's tough ?
he's harassed, finds it rough;
he's beleaguered by curveballs' surprise.
"
"brilliant purple and red bougainvillaea:
it's so lush that i near didn't see ya.
let your limbs intertwine
'midst that wild woody vine.
you're so pretty a pair.  i won't free ya.
"
"trading stocks?  all or nothing is when
you have marked up your bid aon.
partial fills will not do,
but the name is a clue
that the market's a gambler's den.
"
"acid-free?  that's an often-heard query
from artists who've simply grown weary
of paper that fails
to preserve art's details.
it's also not timothy leary.
"
"in the woods, i must travel with care;
savage grizzlies may give me a scare.
winding up as a lunch
wouldn't thrill me a bunch.
it's a prospect i couldn't abear.
"
"the director yells, ""lights, camera, action!""
but the actors give no satisfaction.
the plot needs a clone
of sylvester stallone ?
woody allen's the film's main attraction.
"
"""hey, jack, don't you stare at my rack.
do ya want me to give ya a smack?""
""i'm so sorry. my stare
gloms your fine derriere;
i declare that i'm taken aback.""
"
"the minister's happy to marry 'em,
to send 'em wherever fates carry 'em.
they're starting to sup;
someone poisoned their cup!
they're ingesting ba; soon we'll barium.
"
"the terrorist's wearing a frown
'cause his bomb has been placed by a clown
on a farm in the sticks.
no more jobs for these hicks!
he'll be using a nuke hid in town.
"
"a canard that's so old that it's hoary:
you'll go blind if you do that's the story.
instead, you'll agree
that most people can see.
scorn a statement derived a priori.
"
"trading stocks on the nyse:
it's the big board, investors agree.
that's where using my brains
racked up capital gains.
big excitement, not big bored for me!
"
"pc santa claus wants you to know
that his belly laugh's still good to go.
down the chimney he'll slide,
then he'll belt out with pride,
""merry christmas to all, lady of the evening, lady of the evening, lady of the evening.""
"
"""i'm superman!"" children will ape,
as they rescue miss lane from a scrape
using muscles they flex
and a sheet 'round their necks.
(in our lives, we all need an s cape.)
"
"there's three bdrms, a great eik,
plus an lr and fr for play.
fag wards off cold.
you can tell your wife's sold
'cause those blue bedroom eyes say ""hurray!""
"
"the house wasn't built to his rules,
so the architect gathered his tools.
he stuck in his thumb
and he pulled out a plumb,
just to prove that the builders were fools.
"
"i have an abdominal hernia.
my bride, please don't think i would spurnia.
i can't lift 'til i heal
from this laparocele.
don't let crossing the threshold concernia.
"
"rating babes is the way we keep score;
it's a ten that we seek to adore.
a below average girl
is a pig, not a pearl ?
that's the way that we say ""met a four.""
"
"it's fun to learn history's facts,
while retracing our ancestors' tracks.
they buffed, to fight gloom,
at the top of each room.
(this we know 'cause they used ceiling wax.)
"
"first comes 5, golf's a drive to the sand.
next is 4, that's for forethought, preplanned.
3 is free, just us two.
2 is you, smeared with goo.
1 is sun at the beach ? life is grand!
"
"in the play, i was lettuce abed,
though i longed for a lead role instead.
but when i inquired,
alas, i got fired ?
i should quit when i'm clearly ahead.
"
"look at carly!  her life is awry;
she used to be charlie, a guy.
she yearned to be wed
to a doctor, and said,
""to the altar?"" ""why, sure, i'll comply.""
"
"the nastiest fellow i've known
smashed his trombone and ruined its tone.
there's a simple excuse
for his slush pump abuse:
he was born to be bad to the bone.
"
"true bliss comes to women who wait
and are picky when choosing a mate,
and there's joy for the guys
who are equally wise
when the prize is a true altared state.
"
"my basketball team has a plan:
run the ball just as fast as we can.
and we win as a group
'cause we're first to the hoop ?
it's the fastbreak of champions, man.
"
"had my wedding today, and who knew,
though we barely got started, we're through.
i was fit to be tied
when my texas-born bride
hurt my pride when she hollered, ""adieu!""
"
"al's my pal who is thoroughly plastered,
and charm is a skill he's not mastered.
give him gypsum; he'll scan it
and take it for granite,
while everyone calls al a bastard.
"
"punning jane said to henry, ""let's ponda.
yes, absence makes hearts grow much fonda.
but if love grows no stronger
while absence grows longer,
try presents."" (that pun is a shonda.)
"
"you like cats? like their cute feline pranks?
for a sphynx or burmese, you'll give thanks.
is a persian for you
or a nice russian blue?
at the end of this tale, choose a manx.
"
"a humorist fervently guards
all his jokes ? there are none he discards,
and he hoards them away
for the rainiest day
because sometimes, fun's not in the cards.
"
"the bran flakes are limp as can be,
and the wheat puffs are soggy debris.
so i'm wondering, ""why
(with a small slice of wry)
does a cereal killer run free?""
"
"my friend was laid up, stuck in bed.
so i went to his room, and i said,
""what's the matter with you?""
he said, mumbling, ""flu!""
musta crashed ? it's sheer luck he's not dead.
"
"when my business of beekeeping thrives,
then the bees savor state-of-bliss lives.
i will deal with a drone
who's a rogue on his own;
good beatitude comforts the hives.
"
"the berkeleian says to believe
what is real are the things you perceive.
we can now give reality
virtual vitality.
are modern empirics naive?
"
"there are poorer excuses for art, man,
than the song that proclaims ""do the bartman!""
it was writ by those schlocks
of the simpsons, on fox.
(if i beg, will they give me a part, man?)
"
"there's some meat, there's some juice, what to do?
with this luncheon i haven't a clue.
sought my rabbi's opinion
(must be his dominion):
advice about roast beef au jus.
"
"there's a shark at the beach.  he's not masking
fearsome jaws, beady eyes, so i'm asking,
""oh, you of sharp tooth,
are we safe?  tell the truth.""
""relax, i'm just lying here basking.""
"
"want to see what i do with a candle?
if i show you, i'm fearful of scandal.
if i lighted your fire,
saw your flame wax much higher,
would you think i was too hot to handle?
"
"there was an old man with a beard ?
tufts of bristles from wheat he had sheared
that he glued on his face
for a look to embrace
on a wacko who's weirdly wheat-eared.
"
"my kidney's infected. docs say,
""bk virus has made it that way.""
gosh, did i come a-cropper
by eating that whopper?
polyoma's what ails me today.
"
"an ornament worn near the chin,
that's attached to your blouse by a pin.
""what's the word?  what's the grammar?""
says teacher. i stammer,
""can i brooch such a subject and win?""
"
"you want background?  i'll give you bg,
but it has to be on the qt.
i'm a clone of deep throat ?
see my coat? here's a quote:
""if you squeal, i'll deny it was me.""
"
"bicameral government's way
has two bodies of lawmakers. they
pass new laws.  my dumb friend
who could not comprehend
asked, ""are one hump or two humps okay?""
"
"you can tell by the sash of my peers
there's a creed that each fellow reveres.
we are bound for all time
by the lure of the rhyme,
and our belt gives our name: ""bandoleers"".
"
"sultry bitch goddess, tantalize me,
lest i stay with the gray bourgeoisie.
take my soul! burn like flame!
soothe my anapest aim;
make my name light this website's marquee.
"
"""i'm starving,"" the artist declares.
""though i paint from the heart, no one cares.""
then today, boundaries stretch ?
the first steps of a sketch ?
and at last, her art's drawing some stairs.
"
"as expected by every predictor,
i'm a bronc-bustin' rodeo victor.
my opponents are seething ?
their horses ain't breathing!
i gave them a broncoconstrictor.
"
"i'm called davy crockett, ya hear?
at the ballpark, i'm leading a cheer.
the arena's first row
holds my grandstanding show.
i'm the king of the wild front tier.
"
"brutish boors will engage in baboonery;
though clownlike, their aim's not buffoonery.
but a real baboon's treat,
when in estrus (that's heat),
is some moonery junery spoonery.
"
"for cutting some wood, use a handsaw,
for speed, an electric unmanned saw.
don't you ask for an ax
if you're slicing a sax
or a trumpet ? just march to a bandsaw.
"
"ethiopia hosts a soiree,
so an african journey's in play.
when you come, wear a skirt;
eat a desert dessert.
abyssinia soon now, okay?
"
"with the utmost of bliss and with gratitude,
i am thankful to all for beatitude.
i'm so glad that my 'tude
doesn't strike you as rude.
it means what? i'm no saint ? i need latitude.
"
"at a wedding, we heard the bride growl,
""say 'i do' or i'll throw in the towel.""
said the groom, ""we're not through.
vanna white's in a pew,
and i'm sure that she'll buy me avowal.""
"
"a short musket possessed of wide bore
was discharged by a sarge toward the floor.
what a blunderous blunderbuss!
(thunderous under us!)
he was rotten, that dolt, to the corps.
"
"'twas a long time ago, can't say when,
that a dam blocked my brook.  damn those men!
but tonight's when i'll strike;
i'll demolish that dike!
and the stream will flow free ? bourn again.
"
"anxious poets are angst-ridden, grim,
when their chances for rhyming are slim.
on the tip of the tongue
there's a verse almost sprung ?
so much pain from a damned phantom lim.
"
"in greece, with a sense of elation,
i found a new house decoration.
but that two-handled jug,
where it's sitting now, ugh!
so i amphora change in location.
"
"""can you fix all the noise in my flat?""
""it takes soundproofing screens to combat
your loud neighbor."" (so stressful!)
the labor's successful!
""i'm baffled ? you fixed it like that?""
"
"a lumberjack begs, ""hear my plea ?
too much work means i'll never get free.
i can handle the brunt
of that tree out in front,
but that backlog is murdering me.""
"
"is this substance here acid or base?
a ph test determines its place.
i would pay lots of money
for tests for what's phunny,
so a joke won't phall phlat on its phace.
"
"achoo syndrome can give you a fright:
such sneezing from seeing the light!
it's genetically passed,
and since it may last
they'll ""gesundheit! gesundheit!"" your plight.
"
"it's an inmate alone; it's a pile;
it's to go (no, not you, stay and smile).
it's a crosby, a cherry,
a rudolph ? don't worry!
describing this jibing's worthwhile.
"
"ian fleming wrote novels that rocked
of james bond, so urbane, never shocked.
with a gun, in command,
femme fatale close at hand,
he's the spy who is never half-cocked.
"
"belladonna's a poison one buys;
deadly nightshade makes sure someone dies.
its medicinal duty
helped a napoli beauty:
bella donna, who kills with her eyes.
"
"one bite of love's apple will say
that the fruit of our love's here to stay.
though plum lucky, i fear
that we cantaloupe, dear,
but you'll cherries my ardor each day.
"
"""where's my satchel?  it's gone with no trace?""
perry mason has such a long face!
this superb legal mind
is dejected to find
he's apparently lost his first case.
"
"ezekiel had hives?  didja know?
it's the bible that tells us that's so.
yup, the good book reveals
that ol' zeke saw some wheals.
(make that calamine lotion ""to go."")
"
"it's a world filled with hatred, aflame;
""love thy neighbor"" no longer ? our shame.
citing various lords,
we beat plowshares to swords:
what a blasphemous use of god's name.
"
"when we're counting, we always begin
with a number, like one, or its kin.
when they're young, children learn:
count each object in turn.
if they don't, it's a cardinal sin.
"
"just think for yourself, honey pie,
what you're doing is nuts. tell me why
the two of us pout
since we can work it out.
please please me, i cry, baby, cry.
"
"when i add to my letter cc:,
that means people get copies from me.
carbon copy's the phrase
handed down from those days
ere computers sent emails for free.
"
"there once was a hacker obsessed
with the writing of limericks that jest
about modem transmissions
and signal transitions,
'cause a limerick that's baudy's the best.
"
"all those memories, when life was a blast ?
no one knew that our clocks ticked so fast!
we were once, you and me,
little ova-to-be.
that's an ooblast, man, from the past.
"
"said voltaire, ""here's my wish as a clamorer:
see my beautiful land ? i'm a glamorer.
yet no photos attest
to this world that's the best ?
how i yearn for my lost candide camera.""
"
"years on horseback have left his legs bent.
""which leg for which boot?"" he'd lament.
tie some ribbons? that's bright!
green for left, red for right.
now the bowlegged cowboy's content.
"
"an acrobat, beth, leaves us breathless
with stunts that we hope will be deathless.
on the flying trapeze
she appears ill at ease;
just one slip and the circus is bethless.
"
"when the middle-class folk go astray,
so much lawlessness causes dismay.
what would help cops combat
all this crime is a rat ?
they'll be flippin' some burghers today.
"
"there's a farm with a farsighted rep;
to the latest of methods they're hep.
now their cattle are grazing
in meadows. amazing!
they pasture-ize cows ? saves a step.
"
"streams of consciousness, streams to the sea,
sea of troubles, what's troubling me?
meandering furrows
for william s. burroughs
that burrow through minds that are free.
"
"bradycardia: heart beating slow;
take care if your pulse falls too low.
the cause? not specific,
perhaps soporific
effects from the brady bunch show?
"
"hail to benjamin, here's a quick sample:
there's franklin and spock, for example.
kubelsky's there too,
and we hope that it's true
that his wallet had benjamins ample.
"
"aviv was the month in the spring
ancient jews did the passover thing,
thanking god he took care o'
that horrible pharaoh
(a shonda he ever made king!).
"
"de janitor's blind as can be;
cleaned de deli much too clean for me.
when he sweepin' up, geez,
he t'rew out all de cheese.
what he t'ought was de trash was de brie.
"
"apatosaurus: a dinosaur pet?
his food bill would keep you in debt.
he was massive and slow.
if you had one, you know
a pot o' tsuris is what you would get.
"
"the bakery's destitute, though
i'd have sworn they were rolling in dough.
the solution is easy,
so simple and breezy:
a cakewalk seems most apropos.
"
"our commander in chief says, ""attack!""
so we're bombing, invading iraq,
which leads to embalming
of soldiers. try calming
with balms? not our president's tack.
"
"tommy dorsey is playing the blues:
crossed the mob; now that's really bad news.
so his signature hit
got rewritten a bit:
""i'm getting cement overshoes.""
"
"our parties could leave you aghast;
we all drank like each day was our last.
now i've heard the big bang
was a helluva thang ?
not compared to our blasts from the past.
"
"with language, let's play a fun game
twisting titles, one letter per name.
""british airways,"" we'd say,
""could become brutish a.""
""our service is bestial!"" they'd claim.
"
"your memory bandwidth is slow
and severely impedes data flow,
so the cpu suffers.
add localized buffers?
you cache in your chips?  way to go!
"
"there's a dentist in jail, dr. birch,
whose practice was put in a lurch
by the parents of minors
who claimed (little whiners!)
he conducted a cavity search.
"
"""pickled garnish is gone like a vapor!
budding criminals?"" trumpets the paper.
""catch the thieves!"" folks demand,
""'cause our food is too bland.""
will the crooks get away with the caper?
"
"there's a finch with a mortified grin,
and he's red from his tail to his chin.
much too late he has heard
shacking up with a bird
is considered a cardinal sin.
"
"jfk, in a speech ('twas a winner),
said proudly, ""ich bin ein berliner.""
how perfectly droll:
jack's a sweet jelly roll.
mmm, i hope that he's coming to dinner.
"
"""there's a leak in this miserable jail,
and we're drowning!"" the prisoners wail.
every man holds a grudge
'cause a cold-hearted judge
said to every defendant, ""no bail!""
"
"the neighbors were playing a rhumba.
too loud! i was hopin' for slumba.
so i called on the phone,
""play a lullaby. (moan.)""
all they answered was, ""sorry, wrong numba.""
"
"the director wants fame everlasting;
at auditions, his temper is blasting.
every seeker of work?
an iranian jerk!
those aren't ass persians he's casting.
"
"let's begin at the end just for fun.
there's no style, there's no flair.
what a boring affair!
they always begin on line one.
this limerick has barely begun.
"
"old mcdonald's a guy with a farm
who thinks consonants cause only harm.
he is safe, he supposes,
with e's, i's, and o'ses ?
vowel movements will cause no alarm.
"
"you'll find man-eating sleuths, anthropophagi,
employing their gumshoe esophagi.
two cannibal dudes
after mystery foods ?
do you think that they ate that old hoffa guy?
"
"you stepped on my plastic dog poo,
with your best, most expensive suede shoe.
oh, the curses you cried
from that ill-fated stride ?
caca phony? cacophony too.
"
"a hazan is a synagogue chanter,
and ours quit (over pay, says the banter).
we replaced him, of course,
but, surprise!, with a horse.
you should see how that stallion can cantor.
"
"the government captures the flow;
if i'm surfing, they know where i go.
stop the porn, stop the terror.
they can shove it and ... error.
deleted by carnivore.  (d'oh!)
"
"superhero's your goal? you can try,
but there's more than just learning to fly.
you must always impress ?
that means dress for success;
be a capable cape-able guy.
"
"a poet is plagued with the blues;
nothing rhymes ? what calamitous news!
so he walks, lost in thought,
all the day, all for naught,
'cause he should have gone home to his mews.
"
"some outcomes are surely not plannable:
my boss said, ""you're fired, and bannable!""
what a total surprise!
so i ate him, with fries ?
he deserved it for calling me cannable.
"
"a government overthrow's brewing:
my capture-the-crown plot ensuing.
the birds i'm recruiting
leave no one disputing
that pigeons can help with the couping.
"
"ship's orders: ""attack without fear!""
said our captain: ""a taxi's out here?""
cap's deaf as a post,
so we scour the coast ?
we need help from a good privateer.
"
"a cellist lamented, in phrygian,
""alas, life is certainly stygian!
before my manhasset
i sit on my asset;
none see that i'm so callipygian.""
"
"""a vegetable fire?!"" i shriek,
""lettuce hope that it's choked as i speak.
do you carrot's so hard?
can they turnip unchard?""
(i yam glad flames were squashed by a leek.)
"
"""your lung sounds okay,"" says the nurse.
where's the phone?  should i call for a hearse?
is she speaking in tongues?
i am sure i have lungs ?
""oh, goddamit! they're pleural!"" i curse.
"
"he's all-knowing, omniscient, on high,
but tells jokes as a down-to-earth guy.
at the deli, he's teaching ?
enough of his preaching!
we're calling, ""put swami on wry.""
"
"in the alps, lived a foundling so sad,
'til one day, came a woman, said, ""lad,
don't you recognize me?
i'm your ma, can't you see?""
""yodeladyhoo married my dad?""
"
"juneau 'bout my sister, cheyenne?
she's raleigh a lincoln your plan.
may your providence grace
just a pierre at her face.
(this is capital punishment, man!)
"
"""sore throat?"" asked the doctor. ""of course,
'every case in its place' i enforce.
cartesian geometers
get the thermometers:
descartes comes ahead of de hoarse.""
"
"a bitblt's a way to move bits
as fast as your hardware permits.
and here's what it stands fer:
it's bitmap block transfer.
a computer fits bits in a blitz.
"
"my vegetable garden's a heap ?
undesirable plants look like &lt;bleep&gt;.
in my gardening book,
there's advice that i took:
the solution's to weed it and reap.
"
"muslim miners head west with a plan:
find some gold; get a placerville tan.
but these words from their chief
may predict auric grief:
""calif warn ya: no gold left to pan.""
"
"a boat owner's outlook is funny ?
the first day and last day are sunny.
in between fades the dream,
and his schooner may seem
like a hole in the water for money.
"
"hypertension your doc can relieve
with inhibiting drugs you'll receive.
if your medic is knowledgy
'bout pharmacology,
he's hiding an ace up his sleeve.
"
"a bragger lisped, ""cut to the pith ?
i've lotht count of the girlth i've been with.
every gal will attetht
i wath thimply the betht,
and you won't be debunking my myth.""
"
"""we went bowling,"" i said, with a sigh,
""we were bad, with my friend bad as i.
but we blame the low score
on the neckwear we wore ?
so we're through, say adieu, bolo tie.""
"
"is a terrorist trained from his birth
that his life has no practical worth?
does he blow up a plane
in a fruitless campaign
since the heaven he sought's here on earth?
"
"a miniature brick's a briquette,
and the smallest of bars a barrette.
will some charcoal, with care,
and a clip for your hair
share the tiniest bag ? a baguette?
"
"i told cassie, ""a pointer from me:
see the world's largest lake from a quay.
on your trip to eurasia
'no bathroom' won't faze ya;
the sign tells you caspian sea.""
"
"advances in micro-'lectronics
make luddites display histrionics.
disease still afflicts us,
but circuits can fix us.
real soon we'll be ""hooked on bionics"".
"
"alcoholic? i drink like a fish,
but i'm sober whenever i wish.
though oft i have sipped gin,
denial's egyptian ?
uh-murr-uh-kin, thash whuddeye ish.
"
"slartibartfast received an award,
for in norway his artistry soared.
with his coastline's design
now refined to divine,
he's perfected his model a fjord.
"
"her knockers are huge, she agrees,
and they swing to and fro with such ease.
when you come to her door,
you may bang them once more.
('cause her doorbell is broken, you sleaze.)
"
"with drinks i had plied her!  the spider
was fried, not a glider-like strider.
it was apples, fermented,
that i had presented ?
the spider had cider inside her.
"
"your footnotes no doubt will apprise
all your readers of facts, not surmise.
but i can't tell at all
'cause your font is too small.
please consider a cite for sore eyes.
"
"""here's the absolute address,"" said kate,
""of a website i've used as of late.
there's a mailbox as well
at this fixed url
(though it's lacking a city and state).""
"
"since the party, i'm feeling so blah ?
such a blunder i made (sorry, ma!).
when i heard i'm adopted,
i shouldn't have opted
to shriek and compound a faux pas.
"
"do your building repairs burn through checks?
does your town say ""condemned. not to specs!""?
if it's really outmoded,
then have it imploded.
call a specialist: edifice wrecks.
"
"""so, doctor, my life shreds like tissue;
antagonist thoughts ? oh, i wish you
would say if you see
schizophrenia in me.""
""i don't know.  i've two minds on the issue.""
"
"said my teacher, ""with pen in your paw,
dot your i's, cross your t's, that's the law.""
but i won't follow rules
taught in various schools ?
put it down to a character flaw.
"
"the mob has a dentist who's snapped ?
so far gone he's completely unwrapped.
if you sit in his chair
for a crown, say a prayer,
for you're likely to find yourself capped.
"
"my son tran won't obey, he is errant.
all the time, his behavior's aberrant.
what i want, he can't see;
it's unreal i could be
so opaque ? at the same time, tran's parent.
"
"the harem's computer is slow,
so the sultan decrees it must go.
the new hardware is keen ?
it's a screamin' machine,
and it's unix-based.  how apropos.
"
"an officer, long in the tooth,
said, ""the army takes care of its youth.""
it's too bad for the boys
this was hogwash, just noise,
not reflecting a colonel of truth.
"
"""batter up!"" is the umpire's call
that reminds us it's time to play ball.
but in our house that phrase
means the brightest of days,
when our mom bakes a cake for us all.
"
"said the pants to the coat, with a passion,
""you look lovely tonight ? very dashin'.""
said the pants in reply,
""you're a treat for the eye.""
(complimentary, after a fashion!)
"
"at first called the army air corps,
now the air force is fighting the worps,
and i'd be a lot calmer
while flying this bomber
if ever i'd flown one beforps.
"
"henry k. was a statesman, and how!
""ships of state sailing straight!"" he'd avow.
bush's cabinet claims
to have similar aims.
i wonder who's kissinger now?
"
"there are robbers and thieves 'cross the nation
with flim-flams and scams their vocation.
bamboozlers and sharks
fleece and hustle the marks.
(that should cover the whole constellation.)
"
"go see carlsbad caverns and rave:
it's new mexico's beauty you crave.
see formations of fame!
(it's okay, if your name
isn't batman, to see the bat cave.)
"
"i purchased a brand new beretta;
shot my wife, now i hope to forgetta.
this verse is a clue:
you'd have done the same, too.
self-reference? you'd know if you'd meta.
"
"from the bagpipe the scotsman had built
came a drone that made enemies wilt:
music scary, bizarre!
but more hairy, by far,
was the lance that he hid 'neath his kilt.
"
"two jackets that argued and weighed
'bout the leather from which they were made:
each claimed he was nappy
but neither was happy,
and neither was easily suede.
"
"let's talk about amortization ?
a lender's financial creation.
every year that you pay,
he'll be rolling in hay:
an interesting banking relation.
"
"my gal's callipygous. i find
that she drives me so out of my mind
that wherever i'm going
i bring her, thus showing
i can't bear to leave her behind.
"
"when a boom-chuck-chuck boom-chuck-chuck beat
makes you whirlish and light on your feet,
then you're dancing a waltz.
it's some viennese schmaltz!
can johann-dle this musical treat?
"
"i'm a clone and a comic; that means
i'm beside myself doing routines.
in a second-class town
i'm a second-rate clown,
performing in hand-me-down genes.
"
"said a singer who's haughty, ""i wanna
continue to vocal nirvana.
but night clubs refuse
to make me their chanteuse.
though i'm hip, they all claim: 'pre-madonna'.""
"
"divorces can prime anger's flow,
and rudeness begets quid pro quo.
then a judge will impose,
upon crudeness, a close.
why in civil court, i'll never know.
"
"seeking romance by modem, fred swoops,
pitching woo on those yahoo flirt groups.
he soon gets an email
from joy, a hot female.
the subject? ""i love you."" click. oops.
"
"a shortcut or two sometimes thrilled him,
but it's thoughts of his death that fulfilled him.
though he botched self-destruction
(the me's deduction),
cutting coroners finally killed him.
"
"at the halloween party i'm fab;
clothed in yellow i couldn't be drab.
but they all miss my joke.
(could my meter be broke?)
why won't somebody call me a cab?
"
"from the annals of whopping fish tales:
a photographer hoisted his sails
and was bound for locations
preferred by cetaceans.
his quarry?  the best prints of whales.
"
"the mintmaster offered this pleading,
""it's evelyn wood that i'm needing.
my bosses allege
that i'm losing my edge,
and i'm falling behind in my reeding.""
"
"a bouquet for my date?  i feel powerless ?
there's so little time, and i'm showerless.
but lucky for me
she prefers gluten-free,
so she won't mind at all if i'm flowerless.
"
"""dear wife, i have news that is grand:
my corporate future is planned.
though the layoffs unnerved,
my position's preserved.""
""in other words, dear, you've been canned.""
"
"big leaguer: it's every boy's dream
to play ball for his favorite team.
and the boys who are older?
that dream will still smolder ?
their eyes have that mvp gleam.
"
"i know accurate spellings express
words exactly ? i strive for no less.
i was writing my wife
'bout my limericking life ?
got in dutch by misspelling misstress.
"
"i wish i had something to squeeze,
but i'm flat as a board with two peas.
""will a boob job help, doc?""
""it would put you in hock!""
""can you show me a bargain rack, please?""
"
"ya gots boogers ? yer schnozz runs a lot,
an' yer manners dey all been forgot,
so i tells ya mah peeve:
when ya wipes on yer sleeve,
ya kin think it's okay, but it's not.
"
"since you paid me my stomach feels funny,
and my poop's been increasingly runny,
and lately i've seen
that my pallor is green.
so you say it's the cholera money?
"
"that fellow loves wordplay: a fun gent,
a can't-wait-to-see-what-he-has-done gent.
he's acrid, he's biting
(a lunatic writing):
that peppery fellow, the pun gent.
"
"there were bugs at his work, and that chilled him,
but insects at home clearly filled him
with feelings of dread,
and he fell over dead.
yes, the pair o' sites finally killed him.
"
"""you're so biassed!"" the immigrant chants.
i am not and i spit at his rants.
he's one-sided and cruel;
being biassed's uncool.
if i were, i'd wear two pairs of pants.
"
"at breakfast, calista will dally
to check on her calorie tally.
eating onion flakes whole,
she's reviewing her roll
and pursuing her goal now?bialy!
"
"the system called metric is neater;
the lengths all relate to the meter.
you've a thousand cc's!
if you'll please hear my pleas,
then you'll take me (right now!) to your liter.
"
"i was cruisin' and lookin' to swoop
in on chicks in a partyin' group.
but my two-seater car
was too tiny by far;
just one look and they all flew the coupe.
"
"changing keys on guitar? it's no sweat
'cause a capo's the bar you should get.
on the neck, it's a snap,
held in place by a strap,
so there's never a reason to fret.
"
"""why, merchant, thy jetons reveal
thy belief thou art licensed to steal!""
""nay, the tally be true.
thou shouldst getteth a clue ?
it's a counter-intuitive deal.""
"
"the earthbound marsupial bandicoot:
an eat-now-whatever-is-handy coot.
if stars shine above
for some bandicoot love,
you can bet he's a ready-and-randy coot.
"
"casinos, in legalese bramble,
seek lawyers in hopes to unscramble
prohibited prose.
so the lawyers propose,
""come to reno, a nice place to gambol!""
"
"so you think that your wallet is fat?
try the amex 'cause that's where it's at!
hot tips on cold stock ?
pretty soon you're in hock.
you can't get more american than that.
"
"a dolly engaged in pure folly:
she rode on a tiger bengali.
her smile, full of grace,
can be seen on the face
of the tiger, who dined on the dolly.
"
"weill your muse is in haydn ? a bloch?
you've un-ravel-ed ? can't handel the shock?
make a chopin liszt, dear,
and go telemann, ""beer!""
ives been franck ? get inspired by bock.
"
"although taste buds may find them a dilly,
those mexican peppers are silly.
ya know that you oughter
have plenty of water.
can something so hot be called chile?
"
"at the birth of our nation, one story
says italians were fans of old glory.
now our pulses still quicken,
and redcoats turn chicken
each time that they hear cacciatore.
"
"a carom's the path of your ball
,llaw a ffo spahrep ,yltrams gnicnuob
or a floor or a ceiling.
my senses are reeling!
take care, umm, and stop 'fore i fall.
"
"your lunchroom decor makes me think:
perhaps you should visit a shrink.
with that ""five"" on the wall,
paint-by-number and all,
you have thrown in the old kitsch 'n' cinque.
"
"barnyard poker: the animals bet.
and the bovine? he hasn't won yet.
but the pig's poker face
means a win sans an ace,
and he won't take no bull chit (in debt).
"
"lackadaisically slow in his groomin',
his ears filled with excess cerumen.
the wax helped his life ?
he could tune out his wife,
and avoid all that fussin' and fumin'.
"
"you thought you could smoke cigarettes.
call them cancer sticks? doc's silly threats.
now you're coughin' too often ?
too soon for a coffin!
denial can lead to regrets.
"
"my poor doggie got hurt, and i feel
it's her boo-boo that's making her squeal.
but she knows to obey
and she'll do what i say,
so it hits me ? i tell her to ""heal!""
"
"no more heaven: a terrible cost ?
those damn cubes so unluckily tossed.
all those betting mishaps
when i'm out shooting craps ?
now i'm broke and it's paradise lost.
"
"english lit: an assignment, dismay!
take the bard, make him curt, choose a play.
on my paper, reviewed:
""insufficiently rude!""
so i'll brusque up my shakespeare today.
"
"in a courtroom that's run by chinese,
i am charged in a sex case.  no pleas.
""take him off to the jail.
in a hurry, no bail,
and chop-chop!"" i go weak in the knees.
"
"in the jungle, explorers draw ire
for ogling the native attire.
bare bosoms so tease them ?
the cannibals seize them;
they're chest nuts that roast on the fire.
"
"in the springtime, chicago displayed a
invasion of bugs called cicada.
they are noisy, one hears,
every seventeen years,
but there's nuthin' you should be afraida.
"
"said my bride, ""there is something amiss.
when our cabin is roofless ? no bliss!""
so i capped off the room
and dispelled all the gloom,
and i showed her she's ceiled with a kiss.
"
"a rotifer's hairy!  a clue:
he could swim through primordial goo.
these small structures propel
a meandering cell.
it's so cilia notion, but true!
"
"a concerto by brahms?  there's none neater.
no symphony written is sweeter.
something lighter's my choice ?
say, piano and voice?
take me now, i implore, to your lieder.
"
"so it's -cide that's the suffix you've eyed;
after homi-, it's murder you've tried.
make it matri-, shoot ma;
patched to patri-, snuff pa.
who's the one that you'll kill? you de-cide.
"
"an a-line's the shape of a dress.
a b-line's a trip under stress.
it took me some time
for a c-line to rhyme:
he eats fish and does tricks to impress.
"
"examine einsteinian history:
you'll find that the concepts are twistery.
space warps, no disaster.
clocks slow or run faster.
all sound like the theories of mr. e.
"
"crossing streams?  then a ford helps a tad.
flying bullets? a dodge makes you glad.
but what drives me nuts mentally
and gets me all bentley,
would a cad employ cad on a cad?
"
"she's a judge and she's sexy.  you con her
with sweet-whispered nothings.  you wan' her!
she falls for your lines;
in her briefs, she opines,
""in my chambers!""  and quickly, you're on her.
"
"rudyard kipling was given a fright
(which later impelled him to write):
in the dark, scary bears!
he despairs, says his prayers,
and prepares for baloos in the night.
"
"i'm a fisherman, hating my role,
and leaving the life is my goal.
so, a deal with the devil:
i cheat him! i revel!
i hope he's enjoying my sole.
"
"the record exec met a chap
who boasted his vocals had snap.
so the boss gave him work
as a packaging clerk,
and explained, ""man, that homeboy can wrap.""
"
"in the arctic, midst icebergs and snow,
please be careful wherever you go.
if by chance a berg cracks
with you on it, relax!
we advise you to go with the floe.
"
"in our diner, you'll find periodically
that my partner and i sing rhapsodically.
but we sing different tunes
while we're setting out spoons,
so we say we sing countermelodically.
"
"define words with cr-?  it's a snap!
but too late do i notice the trap.
though i sought splendid verse
i got awful or worse;
seems that all i can think of is crap.
"
"when you see that the world's black or white,
and your instincts shriek out, ""fight or flight!"",
you're an antonym guy.
shades of gray fool your eye.
disagree?  you're all wrong and i'm right.
"
"here's a limerick that's cropped.
on the right, beats are dropped.
every line
by design
shows the sign ? rudely stopped.
"
"biweekly i go to the bank
before i put gas in my tank.
though the drain on the dollar
means i live in squalor,
my car's living awfully swank.
"
"in pigeonville, trouble's abrew
and rebellion's a course some pursue.
but their king won't step down,
won't relinquish his crown.
so they're plotting, at sunrise, a coo.
"
"it was due to a change in one letter
that i went from a rich man to debtor.
when you gamble pell-mell
and you hit a bad spell,
things may well take a turn for the bettor.
"
"he loved only chanel ? that's no jive,
but his love life showed failure to thrive.
in the ground chanel went,
till at last, heaven-scent,
he was blessed with chanel n?5.
"
"said the spy, ""it won't do to disclose
the message that's hid in this prose.""
but he sounded so nasal,
i made the appraisal ?
the spy had a code in his nose.
"
"in venice, the missus opined,
""you have got to be out of your mind!
a canal trip is rash ?
won't our gondola crash?
don't you know all venetians are blind?""
"
"vegetarian: that's how you wallow?
well, here's some advice you can follow.
if tempted to slip
off your diet, a tip:
eschew all your meat 'fore you swallow.
"
"burt reynolds was having some fun
with a ponderous civil war gun.
with each blast, through the sky,
he could see ammo fly.
""but i thought i'd see cannonball run?""
"
"in la brea, a tar pit formation
snared dinosaurs unto starvation.
what's left is their bones ?
now they're fossils, like stones,
and the rest of them's trapped, in tarnation.
"
"said the rabbi, ""it's time for dispersal;
this funeral's met with reversal.
the driver, en route,
let the coffin fall out.
we'll resume after further rehearsal.""
"
"our robot is growing much older,
and his temperament grows ever colder.
were he human, i'd judge
that he's holding a grudge,
so i'm fixing the chip on his shoulder.
"
"as a fan of my writing, you nurse
expectations of puns (or much worse).
i apologize, mates,
'cause no wordplay awaits.
you're entitled to something per verse.
"
"there is nothing that's fina in china
than designa decor at a dina.
it's plates that i mean
where these traits can be seen,
in no way asia major or mina.
"
"what's jack horner, the carpenter, say?
""i was searching my toolbox today.
i stuck in my thumb
and i pulled out a plumb.""
(awl that hammered your brain?  it's okay.)
"
"an infection's attacking your ear;
round your piercings some pus will appear.
said my wife, ""how'd you know
suppuration will grow?""
""i consulted an auricle, dear.""
"
"it was war of the worlds on the air,
cross the country inducing a scare.
it was really a hoax;
orson welles liked his jokes.
no, the martians were not really th
"
"gregorian monks like to sing;
benedictines perform early swing.
i'll record their robed choir ?
sell enough to retire.
it's the chants of a lifetime. ka-ching!
"
"the lights of las vegas have flair;
they coruscate, blind with their glare.
you become like the lights ?
gambol days, gamble nights ?
as you learn you can scintillate there.
"
"two bovines found living unbearable.
(uncowable? [man, that is glare-a-bull!])
in russian roulette
with a raise-the-steaks bet,
they continued to beef.  that's my parable.
"
"since shirley's my name, and i'm dressed
all in white you have probably guessed
it's a wedding.  and so,
getting hitched to my beau
means you'll holler out, ""shirley, you geste!""
"
"it surprised me ? i'm makin' a killin'
with pills of my fake ampicillin.
not antibiotic ?
their effects are erotic!
folks queue for a chance to be illin'.
"
"now, tristan, calm down, chill out, hold it ?
same answer the fourth time i've told it.
that opera's no good
so i got what i could;
for the last time, my tristan, i sold it.
"
"a cowboy collecting a zoo
of marsupials knows what to do.
maybe some will arrive
via rodeo drive,
but the best deals are cheap: buck a 'roo.
"
"if an exorcist's gotten you blessed,
and he's cast out your devilish guest,
pay your bill! this is key:
it's not fait accompli ?
and you don't want to be repossessed.
"
"my friend ammon's a leadfoot.  he speeds
so much faster than anyone needs.
when he fuels up his car
it will go half as far ?
two-tank ammon's a gas man of deeds.
"
"h. l. mencken predicted, ""one day
the american voters will weigh
all their choices and find
their new president's mind
went away on vacation to stay.""
"
"i'm a cop, and the girls on my beat
are the kind that i'd so like to meet.
i could teach them of art,
plant some seeds, do my part.
horticulture class there on the street!
"
"mrs. gandhi's my mother.  let's chat, ma.
we can talk 'til it's time that i scat, ma.
when i leave, please don't scold,
""brother died of the cold!""
i'll remember my coat and mahatma.
"
"paint the skies with the rise of the sun ?
she won't cry for the lies she has spun.
for each hurtful transgression,
no tears, no impression.
whose eyes will she dry when undone?
"
"the curse spun my head on a swivel;
such language could make your ears shrivel.
the people you meet
when you walk down the street
prove civilians aren't always so civil.
"
"in hollywood, many a shamus
probes lives of the rich and the famous.
the stars point their finger
at photogs who linger;
we know who is really to blame.  us.
"
"making steel ? that's a job where you swelter,
boiling hot with inadequate shelter.
see that chick drinking swill?
she's employed at the mill.
how'd i know?  it was obvious.  smelter.
"
"towards congress, the moralists rage,
""make propriety take center stage!""
up on capitol hill
all the senators will
be so happy to turn a new page.
"
"""it's bruited about you're flirtatious,
and given to acts most vivacious.
wanna hop in the sack?""
she was taken aback.
""all those rumors you hear are fallacious.""
"
"there's a diver who always ascends
very quickly, for which he contends
he'll receive a mercedes
(and charm all the ladies) ?
his boss said he's getting the benz.
"
"a minter with nary a scruple
skimmed gold from the bowl of his cupel.
his assays asserted
no funds were diverted;
his assets, assessed, grew quadruple.
"
"why we cry from our eyes?  let's review:
would tears from your ears be as blue?
not the mouth nor the nose
shows the sadness that flows.
when we weep, we've a rheum with a view.
"
"so you can't understand, got no clue?
and all language is greek now to you?
whether written or spoken,
for now, words are broken.
it's aphasia would like to eschew.
"
"the voice of the pony was coarse,
so he went to the doctor, perforce.
said the doc, ""so you're gruff.
you'll be fine, soon enough.
diagnosis for now: little hoarse.""
"
"on their vaginal voyage they're streamin',
and the winner must speed like a demon,
analogous to
a superb vessel's crew:
every sailor a true able seaman.
"
"when a physicist's poetry flowed
like electrons that stream on their road,
he was writing for cath ?
that's his girlfriend, his path.
and when done, he'd arrived at an ode.
"
"rossini's compactor went thump, thump, thump;
it squeezed down the trash to a lump, lump, lump.
a loud spousal scoff,
then giacomo's off
to the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump.
"
"it's boys and it's girls at the mixer,
but for one girl there's pain that afflicts her.
when her date hears her pout,
""oh, my skin is dried out!""
he has just the right cure-all: elixir.
"
"see two owls chase outlawed pursuits,
as they shoot and they loot.  and the fruits
of their criminal looting
leave no one disputing
they're fine-feathered fiends in cahoots.
"
"little red is a badass, no good ?
that's in spite of his name, understood?
so beware.  cross his path,
you'll encounter his wrath.
little red is out riding the 'hood.
"
"i belong to a gentlemen's club;
we've got smokes, we've got drinks, we've got grub.
for fellowship uses
we've several masseuses,
but wives run our lives.  there's the rub.
"
"why not try methamphetamine (""meth"")?
you could find yourself fast out of breath.
in its stimulant ways
it can shorten your days.
crystal clear, you are playing with death.
"
"automotively speaking, the scoop:
the crook with the sportscar's a stupe.
he added a jet
to the back of his vette
when his lawyer said, ""best fly the coop.""
"
"by and large, it is true what they say:
early birds get the worms, come what may.
be it ever so humble,
a cookie will crumble.
strike gold with a glitt'ring cliche.
"
"""eggstra hash browns with breakfast!"" i cried.
""and an eggsellent roll on the side!""
i eggsplain and i scramble
eggspecting to ramble ?
eggserting my brain leaves me fried.
"
"the medical system's let loose a
huge tangle of forms to produce a
way to care for our aches.
like a basket of snakes!
in the states, we could call it med-usa.
"
"though more often i'm all on my own,
i've an audience here for my bone.
in and out, watch me pump.
(hey, calm down, you big chump.
it's only a sliphorn i've blown.)
"
"the old fisherman spoke, and he grinned,
""it's important to keep your eyes skinned.
to put fish in your pan
for your meal, have a plan.
you should not waste your cast to the finned.""
"
"i know that you're making a plan to see
that beauty who's every man's fantasy.
beware!  you've been warned
after sex you'll be scorned,
and soon mourned ? she's a bit praying mantis-y.
"
"you should see what that trendsetting fella writ:
""try giving up sex for the hell of it.""
but the guys that i've kissed
find me hard to resist.
it's a concept he might have to sell a bit.
"
"i list carp, cod, and crappie with ease,
and both catfish and coho will please.
add in chub and chinook,
also cobia.  look,
there are plenty of fish in the c's.
"
"no agreement of thieves in the ward
about divvying loot they had scored
'til that bro' with the hood
said that harmony's good:
the felonious monk struck accord.
"
"it's said millions of monkeys who type
produce shakespeare along with the tripe,
but such chaos, stochastic,
is not so fantastic.
the internet proves it's all hype.
"
"my husband and i get along,
but it's not that the loving is strong.
he's so timid to speak
(also cowardly, weak),
he'll concede when he's right that he's wrong.
"
"there once was a doric stonecutta
whose adornments sent ladies aflutta.
he said, ""i can't trust 'em
to fondle my frustum.""
(get your mind, baby, out of the gutta.)
"
"a crapulent, corpulent slut
had a turbulent, flatulent butt.
when her feculent cheeks
let loose virulent leaks,
it ain't florulent gas that she cut.
"
"for all-nighters, most students prefer
shots of coffee ? it's sleep they deter.
and their parents are mollified:
they graduate qualified
to ask, ""you want fries with that, sir?""
"
"dessert on a diet?  that cost her,
'cause jibes 'bout her weight really frost her.
and none of the boys
dig her avoirdupois;
it's a shame what bananas can foster.
"
"there's wordplay displayed in each stanza ?
of puns there's a pungent bonanza.
such loopy largesse
is no swoop to success;
it just panders to what you are fansa.
"
"the shark struck the bait, thinking, ""yum!""
but soon stopped, swam away looking glum.
""it's a strange rationale
but i'm loyal to a pal,
and this meal smacks of very old chum.""
"
"all those diets!  we prayed and we weighed,
and we paid every time that we strayed.
sent our clothes to goodwill,
now we'll run up a bill ?
it's the charge of the lighter brigade.
"
"in brooklyn, a woid to de wise:
wear dat camouflage, foolin' de eyes.
whut's de surest mistake?
don' look touristy, fake.
dat's de rules, when youse joins in dese guys.
"
"i mix a mean drink ? that's my goal.
says the judge, ""you used liquor you stole!""
when i show no repentance,
he hands down the sentence:
it's life behind bars, no parole.
"
"see that addlebrained woman? don't neck wit' her.
she's known as the queen of non-sequitur.
you'll find, during sex,
she'll bring up malcolm x,
at which time you'll determine, ""the heck wit' her.""
"
"i'm a skinflint, and some call me, ""creep"" ?
every price that i see is too steep.
i will never leave tips,
but i will purse my lips.
even birds on the street say, ""cheap, cheap.""
"
"a nautical lassie of leisure
had a bathing suit sewn for her pleasure.
an x marked the spot
where the swimwear felt hot,
to guide pirates who plundered her treasure.
"
"mathematicians' dessert time is nigh,
and, as always, their theorems apply.
now, rectangular cakes
will admit no mistakes,
but some errors taint slices of pi.
"
"it's time to write limericks on c*nt!
at a prospect like this, should i p*nt?
writing verse, i'm a wussy
(in argot, a pussy),
since rhyme words for c*nt are too scant.
"
"you're allergic to nuts!  what to do?
if you eat one, you'll sneeze 'til you're blue.
you could find sternutation
a pleasing sensation.
the nut that sounds right? the cashew.
"
"for elvis' breakfast, one rule:
he thinks waffles and eggs are good fuel,
but considers hot porridge
disgusting for forage.
each morning he hopes, ""don't be gruel.""
"
"we've begun the election campaign;
the last president's failures are plain.
since he acted as king,
then the voting should swing
on good sense ? let's get out of the reign.
"
"a kiss is a kiss is a kiss?
osculation's equivalent bliss?
if you think that that's true,
read my lips: ""get a clue!""
you are missing the buss over this.
"
"a man stole my fish.  there were clues,
so i took him to court (where one sues).
there the judge took a peek,
found my evidence weak.
""with no habeas carpus, you lose.""
"
"cigars?  no, i smoke cigarettes,
and i'll skimp on the bricks for briquettes.
such shrinking is fair,
but i've got a wild hair ?
i'll be damned if i'll drink in barrettes.
"
"in the band room, the scene left us glum ?
there some vandal had smashed every drum.
when the maestro, enraged,
checked the damage he gauged,
""you will see repercussions to come!""
"
"this bash is the best it can be ?
see the partyers dancing with glee.
when tomorrow arrives
we'll get on with our lives,
and remember this f?te accompli.
"
"in politics, everything's cricket;
we wade through a candidate thicket.
in support of gay pride,
spreading votes for each side,
we provide a bipartisan ticket.
"
"i'll appear at the courthouse pro se
(i've a fool for a client that way!).
i'll appeal if i lose,
and the reason i'll choose
is inadequate counsel that day.
"
"dumped my girl. i prefer my computer;
got a virus because i pursued her.
but that woman came back
though i gave her a nak;
so i guess i'll just have to reboot her.
"
"i'm so filled with desire for you;
seems my heart is on fire for you.
when you leave me alone
i can't breathe on my own,
'cause i only respire for you.
"
"ruled the judge, ""it's a hanging offense!""
said the lawyer, ""that doesn't make sense.
read the news, holy smokes ?
we electrocute folks.""
""the defense favors current events?""
"
"""we'll pursue university knowledge!""
say my sons who are given to lollage.
once said, then they'll grouse,
and they won't leave the house ?
they expect to attend foyer college.
"
"i screamed when i tripped and i fell;
no escaping from death's final knell.
what was swung by the mugger?
a louisville slugger.
last thought: ""that's a bat out of hell.""
"
"that show on tv makes me bridle
my rage (to degrees homicidal!).
i'm checking my urges
to murder those scourges ?
the slothful american idle.
"
"six commandments of ten ? that's a lot ?
all begin with the words ""thou shalt not.""
just a bit more advice
on ""thou shalt"" would be nice:
""thou shalt romp with thy spouse ? make it hot.""
"
"our quarterback's hardly a nancy;
each pass that he's flinging is chancy.
his dangerous plays
both appall and amaze.
it's no craze though it's praised ""passing fancy"".
"
"commercials abound ? you can't fight 'em;
you wish there was no one to write 'em.
insane repetition?
request abolition!
repeat your plea, ad infinitum.
"
"he rumbles, he stumbles, he fumbles.
coach mumbles, ""that back always bumbles.""
the crowd's in a jumble ?
they've seen the lead crumble,
and a tumble to rivals sure humbles.
"
"in north-central spain we've begun
our tour of ethnicity fun.
try pelota, a game,
or relax and proclaim
that you'd rather just basque in the sun.
"
"a vegetable band will compete
and will turnip the volume and heat.
that's the news from a leek
(though the source canna speak).
lettuce dance through the night to the beet.
"
"our subject today: global warming.
will the planet see hot spells and storming?
the woman i wed
is so chilly in bed,
i'm more worried an ice age is forming.
"
"in my car, once combustion began
in the cylinders, burning to plan,
then the pistons all tossed
hydrocarbon exhaust.
it's their manifold destiny, man.
"
"when sinbad went sailing he knew
there were monsters he'd have to pursue.
but the cyclops' greeting
foretold a fine meeting,
""been keeping an eye out for you.""
"
"belly up to a bar ? get a drink.
belly up for a fish ? dead, i think.
nightly calling the deli up
fattens my belly up
and causes my pants belt to shrink.
"
"it's an earthquake!  so, baby, i'm gone,
rock and rollin' 'til fiery dawn.
on the bandstand with killer
i'll dance to this thriller,
while a whole lotta shakin' goes on.
"
"""i've lost an electron!"" he cries.
""there's no reason to weep ? dry your eyes.
so you're charged, it's a plus.
there's a contest for us.""
""hey, i'm keeping my ion the prize.""
"
"said the boozehound, ""a point that is notable:
when you're out on the road (this is quotable)
and you need to stay smashed,
you'll succeed if you've stashed
your best potent and portable potable.""
"
"i'm buffaloed!  prices reviewed:
""shock and awe,"" ""much too high,"" ""buyers screwed!""
so i sought near and far
for a cheaper bazaar,
'cause i wanted the best bison food.
"
"to teachers of stat, it's a swell curve;
to flunkers, a damnit-to-hell curve.
it's a grading sensation
that tracks deviation.
the smart ones will ring in the bell curve.
"
"you needed a gift. my advice:
""at the pawn shop you'll find something nice.""
faulty hearing's to blame
(and not me as you claim)
when you're nabbed at the porn shop by vice.
"
"his vast opus, now finally complete,
features flautists that flutter, ""tweet-tweet.""
it's the best, unsurpassed,
but they played it half-vast,
so the critics all panned it ""toot suite"".
"
"my husband, when living, would say,
""what's the point of me working for pay?""
so i scrambled for cash,
made him cremated ash,
and at last he's now urning his way.
"
"all the animals yak, wouldn't ewe?
i'm not kitten ? i'd gopher one gnu.
on porpoise, it seems,
the gorilla my dreams'
lion eyes steered me wrong ? whatta shrew!
"
"i been drivin'.  dese signs are obscure.
dey all promise ? i'm hooked by dere lure
like an addict on crack.
will ya cut me some slack  ?
tell me how ta sign up for de tour?
"
"the orchestral conductor's attention
to flutes is a source of dissension.
they toot out of tune
and they think they're immune
to rehearsal ? that's flauting convention.
"
"two passes, two climbers, what waits?
certain death, or a roll on some skates?
with crampons and axe,
each a pathway attacks.
only one will relax ? disparate straits.
"
"see those gays frolic freely on dates?
they cavort in the joy each creates.
yet we're mopey and down,
always wearing a frown.
that's our fate in this town ? desperate straights.
"
"st. peter's in rare desperate straits
as some stitchers advance to their fates.
he can't usher them towards
paradisal rewards
'cause they've knitted their own purly gates.
"
"read the book of a girl and her captor
(so tense that you couldn't be rapter).
skip forth when the waif
feels a mystery chafe.
you'll resolve that when reading what chapter?
"
"the priest wears a robe that's pathetic,
defying the churchly aesthetic.
it's frayed and it's worn
and it's faded and torn,
but the priest calls the gown... cope ascetic.
"
"repetition, repeatedly, cute?
repeatably no, not a hoot.
i'd repeat it again,
but repeating stops then
'cause repeaters are guns.  please don't shoot.
"
"my car is an oldie but goodie.
all the chicks, they are wonderin', ""could he
take me for a ride?""
and i've always replied,
""do you know how to polish a woodie?""
"
"at a party (not one for a bluenose),
zack showed us his sexual new pose.
he hung from the ceiling
and sent the gals reeling,
thus earning both envy and kudos.
"
"i'm a morgue fan and toot-my-own-horner.
i could deal with the dead and the mourner ?
if i make up my face,
can i work in this place?
can i paint myself into a coroner?
"
"all those ladies!  i love 'em or hate 'em.
i note, one to ten, how i rate 'em.
my little black book
tells me who's worth a look
in a should-i-or-shouldn't-i datum.
"
"not yet married, i wish her success
and more joy than mere words can express.
but the gown for her wedding
shows her abdomen spreading.
she's a damsel, of course, in this dress.
"
"i've written my thousandth submission:
an enlightened far east composition.
one thousand and one?
i'll go back to the fun ?
why mess with a pun-jab tradition?
"
"bringing physics to church?  so low class!
and the priests don't appreciate sass.
from my pew, i explore
thermonuclear war ?
could it start in this critical mass?
"
"here's a christmastime cinema gift:
jimmy stewart is working a shift
at a maidenform store,
thus this yule we'll adore
all the gals.  it's a wonderful lift.
"
"strain her brain?  let this limerick unfurl:
with a bowl on her head she's my pearl.
not a day can go by
when i'm left high and dry.
i'm in love with my colander girl.
"
"those cannibal guys like to munch ?
international foods suit this bunch.
when their chef says, ""hurray,
we'll have pastry today!""
they'll enjoy a sweet danish for brunch.
"
"do i have lots of dates?  yeah, you bet!
every month and i haven't missed yet ?
thirty-one just in may!
(oh, with women, you say?
umm, no, that kind of date i don't get.)
"
"the savant further claimed and appended,
""no rational person's offended
by truth that i speak.
more on issues you seek?
you're a more-on.  (no pundit intended.)""
"
"tall strangers arrive, and pretend
that they come in the guise of a friend.
to serve man is their guide;
they've got nothing to hide.
oh, too late!  it's a cookbook.  the end.
"
"using modems, you see bps:
bytes per second is wrong to express.
baud is wrong (yes, i checked);
bits per second's correct.
the misuses cause pedants distress.
"
"j.d. salinger, pen-and-ink scratcher,
remarked, ""i'm a feeble plot hatcher.
my latest tale stunk
('bout a ballplayer, drunk).
i'm rewriting the rye in the catcher.""
"
"brave cattle, we stand and salute
as you plod on your slaughterhouse route.
when the spike hits your brain,
know you've not died in vain.
(i can see why you find the point moooooot.)
"
"said my mom, with a horrified gasp,
""here's a rule of this house you must grasp:
i am freaked by your snake ?
it's a slimy mistake!
lock it up.  keep it clean.  wipe your asp.""
"
"elected amidst much intrigue,
cheesy leadership, voter fatigue.
ensconced in the white house
(so sure that's the right house).
as president? strictly bush league.
"
"a shipping tycoon never lacked
for a date who was pretty and stacked.
it's not just the money
that got him a honey ?
it's fact that all magnates attract.
"
"in salem, i sell, optimistic.
in richmond, get rich? realistic!
from pierre to st. paul,
i've now concord them all.
yes, it pays to be capital-istic.
"
"stream-of-consciousness writing? explore
what the twists of your brain have in store.
eat your lunch waggin' tail
of a czech in the mail ?
seren-dippity-do you want more?
"
"oy, is anglicized yiddish ersatz!
alter kaker: old man with the hots.
today, ahftseloches,
he fell on his toches.
the shmuck's so farklempt he could plotz.
"
"orchestrally speakin', bad plannin':
a percussionist, heavy gun mannin',
was 1812-ready.
wrong music: instead he
ignited a pachelbel cannon.
"
"""what's the spice in this food?"" diners chime,
""for the taste of it's simply sublime.""
what the cook found superb
is a long-lasting herb ?
she's enjoying the life of her thyme.
"
"farmer bob has a horse that won't eat;
sacks of apples just lie at her feet.
the fruit's tightly packed
and so doesn't attract;
appaloosa she'd greet as a treat.
"
"the appliance store fills me with sadness.
all the fridges are built showing fad-ness
with gadgets untold,
but they fail to stay cold.
thus my frosty review: ""reefer madness.""
"
"invading iraq was so lamia;
it brought the u.s. a bad namia.
no reason for liking
preemptively striking ?
it sure made a mesopotamia.
"
"that fedora's not likely to flatter
your style, since it makes you look fatter.
a simple chapeau
is the most apropos
when one reaches the mart of the hatter.
"
"such crinkly fabric! i gape
at the drape of your clothes on your shape.
though my senses are reeling,
i'll note what i'm feeling
with kindness.  ""your dress looks like cr?pe.""
"
"strip 8-ball? your cue to begin!
soon she's watching you sinking balls in
to each pocket ? plop, plop,
so she takes off her top.
""rack 'em up!"" you announce, with a grin.
"
"you went to a haute cuisine smorgy
and unwittingly scarfed up a corgi.
it's a dog-eat-dog world,
but alas, you still hurled,
and today you were hauled to the morgue-y.
"
"take some colorful fabric (bright blue?) ?
make a skirt that will complement you.
in the hot south pacific
you may look terrific ?
up north it's sarong thing to do.
"
"also sprach richard strauss, ""no excuse ta
wax quiet about zarathustra.
so with trumpets and kettle drums
(big copper metal drums)
i'll write you a theme you'll get useta.""
"
"the marines can't take bush anymore
and they'd like to show cheney the door.
while they stay semper fi,
the executives lie.
they're both rotten, say i, to the corps.
"
"""we require a bust, do not garble us;
no sculpting from clay, that would jarble us.""
with maximum speed,
he granite our need!
""it looks marbleous, dear, simply marbleous.""
"
"in oregon, folks are ignoring
one community, thus underscoring
that history's purists
discourage most tourists
by naming their settlement ""boring"".
"
"there's a tumor affecting my brain,
surprisingly causing no pain.
an acoustic neuroma
invaded my dome. a
procedure to treat's not mundane.
"
"he's so prejudiced ? hate with a twist;
there's no lifeform escaping his list.
society's deadwood,
he slandered a redwood!
that bigotry shouldn't exist.
"
"narcissus received true affection
with nary a chance of rejection.
but the love that he found
could have gotten him drowned.
his perceptiveness lacked self-reflection.
"
"""rapunzel, please let down your hair!
the tall tower has nary a stair.""
but she thought it was funny
to toss me a bunny ?
ra-puns-el spins jokes with a flair.
"
"near d.c. stands the cia's manor,
ignored by a poor urban planner.
a bridge shows the crush
of sedans in a rush
to cross over the spy-strangled spanner.
"
"rhinoplasty's my game, and it blows
(though proctology's worse, i suppose).
what i find so deplorable
and plain unignorable:
damned patients keep picking their nose.
"
"we suffer from life's many blasts,
but our future's not fixed from our pasts.
we get older, we grow up,
and learn from each blowup
the value of ""he who laughs, lasts.""
"
"lost some sleep when i turned and i tossed.
lost some time when my neurons got crossed.
though i searched all around,
what was lost can't be found.
what is worst is the mind that i lost.
"
"geography bee: it's a strain,
and this question seems way too arcane.
""persian gulf, island nation.
'two seas' derivation.""
if only i had a bahrain.
"
"my studies were hardly a breeze ?
i developed in-breadth expertise.
then i caught this vile flu,
so this grad says ""adieu!""
with one hundred and seven degrees.
"
"in brooklyn, i played da celesta,
and i soitenly musta impresseda.
dat heavenly sound
from da keyboard's renowned.
(an' dose dexterous fingers undresseda.)
"
"behold the american wapiti ?
he doesn't go hippity-hoppity.
he's an elk with big antlers.
(they're excellent mantlers.)
if charging, he's not very stoppity.
"
"an aroma so putrid ? it meant
that the family had reason to vent,
""why must visitors squeal
that we make the paint peel?""
in their genes is the trace of descent.
"
"migrant farmworkers picking today:
""best attend to our preaching,"" they say.
stay away from romaine ?
cos it sucks out your brain!
thus our sermon is done.  lettuce prey.
"
"it's a hit for the starved hoi polloi:
contrapuntally flavors deploy.
see that musical feast
that is always served greased.
it's the taco bell canon.  enjoy!
"
"george bush had political callin's.
bill of rights? it was subject to maulin's.
he claims that he prayed
over roe versus wade;
either way was okay leavin' n'awlins.
"
"the fight song of yale's ""boola boola"";
no ivy league chant's coola coola.
it's sung by the few
and the privileged who
come from families that gush moola moola.
"
"bmws fly like an eagle,
automotively reeking of regal.
in parlance, a beemer,
this autobahn screamer
is pushing my leadfoot past legal.
"
"victor borge: a twoderful guy
at the fivefront in laughter's supply.
his routwenties brought glee;
he was musical, three.
kiss elevender memories goodbye.
"
"i'm aging.  my life's nearly spent,
so i walk with a cane, and i'm bent.
now this comes as a blow ?
i had get-up-and-go,
but i guess that it got up and went.
"
"the abo blood group applies
to the four groups of blood that arise.
a and b, then ab
lastly o. docs agree
if the wrong one's transfused: patient dies!
"
"joined aa, but i've frequently lapsed
when resolve and intention collapsed.
one more bar, one more beer,
makes a difference, i hear,
but i'm livin' my life in the pabst.
"
"the pastor relied on cliches,
and his congregants sat in a daze
with their prayers barely uttered.
the minister muttered,
""forgive their tongues dammed in faint prays.""
"
"though my lims see a good dose of whimsy,
the sense that they make may be flimsy.
they owe their deliciousness
in part, to capriciousness ?
inspired by tales brothers grimm-sy?
"
"his skyhook was hopeless to stop ?
other centers just watched his shots drop.
lew alcindor became
quite a pro.  changed his name,
but remained the kareem of the crop.
"
"this bistro's no venue to hurt you,
so plainly i need to alert you:
we'll eat the main course ?
ask for more, it's divorce,
for i've promised i'll never dessert you.
"
"her head's big enough for a group
and her curls swing around loop-de-loop.
though she's just a cartoon
she made manly men swoon.
that's our betty. she's boop-oop-a-doop.
"
"i bought a used car from my granny;
she told me my ride was named annie.
when i changed annie's oil,
i discovered my goil
had had surgery marking her ""tranny"".
"
"a curvaceous and beautiful girl
left me reeling with thoughts all aswirl.
""be my ferris wheel bride?""
she said, ""no,"" and i cried.
it's too bad ? she was out of this whirl.
"
"a killer whale, starved, on the move'll
be huntin' for food. in a groove'll
be chompin' on prey,
but the label must say
the good housekeeping seal of approval.
"
"in quebec and toronto they're stakin'
their rep on the cookies they're makin'.
those cakes that you order
when north of the border?
pig out on canadian bakin'.
"
"a seabird remarked to her brother,
""i yearn for some babies to mother.
i haven't a mate
so i broodingly wait ?
one good tern that deserves yet another.""
"
"belligerent ray seemed okay
when he borrowed your lorry today.
your decision was rash ?
he was certain to crash.
total loss for the truculent ray.
"
"""you can see that the water is roily
if it's late in the day or it's oily.
the aquarium's fish
make their fins go swish-swish;
giant goldfish are fun!"" said tom, koily.
"
"these are vegetable crimes, by all means:
novice crooks beet the fuzz at all scenes.
the thieves? not that sneaky ?
the cop shop is leeky.
i yam doubtful of soon-collard greens.
"
"he's so clumsy ? he'll slip in a  fall,
performing the usual pratfall.
his reward? an acetical,
unsympathetical,
most energetical catcall.
"
"you can shout all about when you're young: a
fun oath that will trip off your tongue. a
quick meaningless whopper
(mix heifer with stopper???) ?
the gush for a rush: cowabunga!
"
"my calculus class makes me flail.
rate of change in my learning?  think snail.
when i copy my test,
then my prof's not impressed:
""it's derivative work, and you fail.""
"
"in zillah, in washington, fill a
cathedral with worshippers.  will a
few prayers reach the lord
from this monster-ous horde?
come and see at the church of god ? zillah.
"
"redundancy: needed in flight
redundancy: needed in flight
to make sure that each function works right.
to make sure that each function works right.
each system has backups,
each system has backups,
preventing most crackups.
preventing most crackups.
redundancy: needed in flight.
we get it.  we get it. all right?
"
"with compass in hand noah drew
a line of length pi over two.
geometrically spurred,
""it's a keel,"" he averred.
""noah's arc ? it will rescue my zoo.""
"
"i swear like a sailor.  my goal
is to rein in my speech, as a whole.
(oops, i did it again.
i'll apologize, then
watch me practice more damage control.)
"
"in my town, there's a dumb country bumpkin
who sits around carving his pumpkin.
when he's finished, this chawbacon
(a word a bit jawbreakin')
does little but twiddle his thumbkin.
"
"portraying othello?  success
may depend upon positive press.
but an honest critique
flays your acting technique:
""desdemona's a hack.  moor is less.""
"
"the cetaceans all waited for sales,
then bought corduroy pants for their tails.
then they posed, amidst laughter ?
each blowhard was after
the prize for the best prints of wales.
"
"one newton, one meter: the rule's
simply truth taught in physicists' schools.
by avoiding all work,
the employment you shirk
is protecting your family joules.
"
"number eighteen is argon (don't yawn).
it's inert, so no compounds can spawn.
someone opened the glass
and let loose all the gas!
now all traces of argon are gone.
"
"""54?40' or fight!""
said our countrymen, flexing their might.
the cartographers' attitude?
don't grant them that latitude.
one state, two vancouvers? not right.
"
"find a word that begins with bq;
write a limerick's the task that i drew.
well, bq means becquerel.
scientifically swell,
it's a nuclear decay. (how'd i do?)
"
"so, mine sadie, you're making aliyah?
mazel tov, a terrific idea!
this country's f'cocktuh,
but there a nice doctuh...
i'll have grandchildren soon in judea!
"
"lopped.
cropped.
cut.
what?
chopped!
"
"his dogma was poorly received ?
was it truth or deception he weaved?
it was hard to agree
'cause he said he's a tree;
no one knows if he'd truly believed.
"
"on oahu, the lovely wahine
looks great in her flowered bikini.
this makes my heart sing:
that bikini is string,
and ever so fetchingly teeny.
"
"co2 is depleting the ozone,
or so say the folks in the know zone.
news suited for frowns,
but disputed by clowns
that are rooted in towns in the bozone.
"
"the beast has been up to his tricks;
that's his mark in the hall: ""666.""
does the german beast sign
just the same? nein, nein, nein!
turns the world upside-down just for kicks.
"
"red riding hood, traipse through that wood
and you're certain to come to no good.
you'll get more than a scowl
when the wolf sees your cowl.
bring your glock if you walk in that 'hood.
"
"i'm a musical guy, and that's that,
living one-half flight down, in a ?.
raze this dump; it's not ?;
please don't trip on that tarp
or you'll go accidentally splat.
"
"andrew carnegie, steel captain, lacked
not a thing in his charities backed.
and i'm sure his success
made the chicks acquiesce.
it's a fact that all magnates attract.
"
"at my funeral, some folk are scoffin',
while others have hats they are doffin'.
let me out!  this is wack!
i can't breathe. 
i was only discussin' my coughin'!
"
"my friend nate's a valet ? it's his car fate ?
and his clients are often bizarre, mate.
like beelzebub, pressed
to arrive as my guest:
""lord of flies is the devil in car, nate.""
"
"in the army, the px sells more
stylish knickknacks than ever before.
in the barracks, see fashion
both modern and dashin' ?
the best that you'll see in decor.
"
"the riaa used to levy
a fee on the tunes in my chevy,
but the levy ran dry.
now it's wispy and wry
that computerized torrents are heavy.
"
"the reason i'm looking forlorn
is this object of musical scorn
that is called ""horn in f.""
i'm transposing the clef,
but can't master this damn effin' horn.
"
"rush limbaugh defends the right wing ?
a political radio king.
but off-radio news
sparked some fun with his views.
archconservative?  true, with a zing.
"
"at divorce court, my ex-wife contends
that i make huge financial amends.
we're so far underwater
(from stuff that i bought her)
i'll drown, but she'll just get the benz.
"
"both the bulls and the bears feel the heat
while ensconced on a stock exchange seat.
through their crystal-ball haze,
economic malaise
gets them killed when they're crossing the street.
"
"it's like handball (a fast indoor game),
where the venue (a court) is the same.
served an ace, watched in awe
when it stuck in her bra.
that's how racketball first got its name.
"
"he plays draughts, hoping kings will appear,
drives a taxi, on streets far and near.
he's a grocery clerk ?
with such wide-ranging work
he's enjoying a checkered career.
"
"""we need rhymes for an arm and a leg;
just take what you want,"" poets beg.
""for a limerick with charm,
take a leg and an arm.""
(take my face 'cause it's covered with egg.)
"
"son chad headed south to his dad's;
in his luggage he packed a sharp adze.
for protection, not wood:
he had misunderstood,
when he'd heard they were still hanging chads.
"
"it's alzheimer's day at the dance,
and two oldsters say, ""give it a chance!""
in they walk, arm-in-arm,
with spectacular charm,
but not cognizant neither wears pants.
"
"a scholar in physics once toiled
over pressure and volume embroiled.
""their product's the same!""
he was quick to proclaim,
and he proved it with steam he had boyled.
"
"go to church?  i'm too young, so i'll see ya
in forty-odd years when i'm free o'
the monthlies ? the curse.
i'll pray chapter and verse
when i'm ready for amen-orrhea.
"
"on to senegal, racers will spar
in the rallies to win the cigar.
where's the finish?  who knows?
but it's safe to suppose
that the champs will be found in dakar.
"
"since his brooks brothers suit sure impressed,
i'd invest in the firms he'd suggest.
but his clothing belied
lack of skill as a guide;
the piece that was missing: ""divest!""
"
"a computer that routed a route
hit an infinite loop and was mute.
was it harder to route, or
too hard to compute, or
astute that the route can't compute?
"
"""it's the oddest of nightclubs,"" said she.
""'fancy dressing tents!' screams the marquee.
that's the name of an act?
if it's actual fact,
will you cop a cabana for me?""
"
"akhenaten betrothed nefertiti ?
his ancient egyptianal sweetie.
then their pyramid grew.
(it's a tomb with a view,
though as mummies, their outlook was sheety.)
"
"his sex reassignment reveals
that while surgery easily deals
with removing his testicles
and adding some chesticles,
it can't help him walk wearing heels.
"
"from the way that my senses are reeling,
there's more in this tea than darjeeling.
my pusher agrees,
and he's got exper-teas
when it comes to good f?tes and fair dealing.
"
"a belt goes on one of its rants:
""why don't nobody gimme a chance?
i got nabbed by the cops ?
they're just bustin' my chops.
seems they're claimin' i held up some pants.""
"
"in flagrante delicto! i'm hosed
as i'm caught by my husband who nosed
'round the shutterbug's studio
that captured me nudio
conjoined with my co-star: x posed.
"
"huge words need the patience of job.  ya
get scared in your pre-frontal lobe. ya
bone up, but it's grim
cramming words in a lim:
hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.
"
"we write limericks.  it's arduous toil ?
put ideas on the stove till they boil.
those works that are bubbly,
not rhythmically troubly,
are judged as according to doyle.
"
"""i'll welsh on my bet."" (what a grift.)
""just third base and no more!"" (you were miffed.)
""gonna fill you with lead,
punch your clock, make you dead.""
(that's thrice in one day you were stiffed.)
"
"my dentist's routine never varies
(immune from financial vagaries).
no credit, no checks,
'cause he always expects
that his business is pure cash and caries.
"
"alas, i feel terribly slighted,
and my resume's certainly blighted.
instead of life brightened,
i'm just unenlightened:
no ""sir,"" though they mentioned ""benighted"".
"
"prohibition? who cares? let's get schicker!
blind pigs sell us contraband liquor.
when the feds raid the place,
hide the hooch, leave no trace.
you have never seen booze vanish quicker.
"
"it's a shame that you had to kick off, man,
'fore seeing your new tales of hoffman.
it was multiply altered
(revised where you faltered);
it's often back, critically boff, man.
"
"the baltimore oriole, which is
a bird, nests up high in tree niches.
an oriole, too,
is a ball player who
devours most al east pitches.
"
"bizet cadged his beer from the barmen,
and whimpered, ""i thought i'd go far, men.
the singers were flat
(though most suitably fat).
it's my fate to be dogged by bad carmen.""
"
"babe ruth, yes, the sultan of swat,
framed a moment that time's not forgot.
back in one nine three two:
is it legend? or true?
did the babe call a world series shot?
"
"a quartet formed of tubas will roar,
sounding bass notes that rumble the floor.
please stay safe in your seat ?
don't get knocked off your feet
when you're whacked by a big tuba four.
"
"the antidepressant i use
quickly banishes troubles and blues.
take an ssri;
you'll be flying up high.
if you're quick on the uptake, you lose.
"
"from his ass came a thunderous blast,
with a stench that is seldom, sir, passed.
those nearby won't rebut
that the cheese that was cut
left them prostrate, unconscious, aghast.
"
"our football team's down on its luck;
both the offense and quarterback suck.
it would surely be swell
to ride air coryell
instead of this wretched ground chuck.
"
"he's possessed of a criminal mind;
he got caught where the justice ain't blind.
first he forfeited bail,
then was sent off to jail.
watch for headlines tomorrow: con fined.
"
"i would claim being drunk's my excuse:
see, she's got such a shapely caboose
that last yule i got pissed
and i couldn't resist
a small gift of a choice christmas goose.
"
"""oceanus starts playing the blues!""
screams the headline in olde grecian news.
oshi soon joins a band.
the conductor's command:
""titan up on those keys.  watch my cues.""
"
"now that christmas is here, dad is wired
as he looks at the toys you've desired.
yule learn it's the label
that made him unstable:
please note: some assembly required.
"
"in scotland, school principals crow,
""put the best of our students on show.
line them up by the flag
so that then we can brag
that we've each got our dux in a row.""
"
"mary's maladies made mary wary;
her afflictions were many and scary.
so she prayed and she chanted;
relief was soon granted.
hail marys made mary hale mary.
"
"""how much is a drink?"" he enquires.
""it's a quarter for quenching your fires.""
""your charge is immense!""
""well, okay ? twenty cents,
'cause a paradigm shift may bring buyers.""
"
"my surgeon is truly a klutz,
and he made the unkindest of cuts.
he swapped nasal alignment
for sex reassignment.
i bawled, ""i've been maimed!"" he said, ""nuts.""
"
"a fly can be shooed, but still shoeless,
and a cow in the mood could be moo-less.
in affairs of the heart,
mom declares, ""please be smart,
for a girl with no rou? is rueless.""
"
"country songs play a sorrowful tune.
there's yer cow jumpin' over and mooooin'.
yer best friend stole your truck
and yer wife (just for luck).
yeah, that dish ran away ? now they spoon.
"
"dianetics, by hubbard, l. ron,
is life-saving ? or just a swell con?
""buy my books!"" but beware,
now the cupboard is bare,
and our hard-earned life savings? hell, gone.
"
"""mrs bb"", the bletchley decipheress ?
we don't know her name (she was shy for us):
recognition she lacked,
but enigma she cracked
to save lives of the spies who would die for us.
"
"the christians are coming to hurt us!
what's worse, they may try to convert us.
boil up cauldrons of oil;
their assault we must foil
(or just shut ourselves up in our curtis).
"
"on this clay's classy surface (it's glazed)
is a maze of small cracks (i'm amazed!).
are these flaws in the glass?
is this art, or a farce?
no, it's porcelain, crackled (or crazed).
"
"char a cross that is carved from auld yew;
dip in scarlet (aye, goat's blood will do).
now summon the clan
to the very last man ?
the crantara ye cannae eschew.
"
"she looked up at the lovebird so lissom:
""oh, how cute, tweetiepie, i could kiss 'im!""
but that budgie let fly,
and kersplat in her eye
doo-doo plopped, having dropped from its crissum.
"
"our papa, abuna of addis
ababa, our spiritual dad is.
but oddly this copt
has his palace floors mopped
by a protestant charlady, gladys.
"
"an unfortunate lady named lydia
was attacked by acnidosporidia.
from this thing parasitical
her condition is critical ?
but it's not quite as rife as chlamydia.
"
"swore the sailor ""magnetic"" mcglinnick,
""i am (though a bloody old cynic)
sure my compass will dip
at the point when my ship
sails away from the line that's aclinic.""
"
"the acephali, fabulous guys!
from their chests stare a pale pair of eyes,
for heads have they none.
(believe it, my son ?
pliny says so, and he never lies.)
"
"said sad eve, ""ad, i'm grieved! we're directed
to leave! god's aggrieved! we're infected
with sin!"" so they went,
thus disparadised, sent.
eden's stamp on their visa:  rejected.
"
"fiery spices inflame, burn and irritate?
save your colon ? there's no need to irrigate.
your oesophagal tract
can be soothed (it's a fact) ?
alka-seltzer is apt to abirritate.
"
"these sad breathless worms were abranch-
iata: in gills' place, a blank.
how did they evolve?
what a puzzle to solve!
was this part of god's plan... or a prank?
"
"peckish? hungry? you might have a belly-wish
for a succulent something ? a deli-dish?
this tidbit's exotic,
distinctly aquatic:
acalephoid saut?.  (it's a jellyfish!)
"
"a japanese lassie called cassie
with a yen in iran for a lassi
(a drink of cold curds)
heard the following words:
""no whey! you must pay an abassi.""
"
"a basic skill's walking the line:
one foot, then the other ? just fine.
but my muscles won't work:
i don't walk ? i just jerk!
abasic, i have to recline.
"
"unlike gymnasts so lithe, acrobatic,
some, unable to walk, are more static.
not because they are lazier:
they live with abasia.
in technical terms, they're abatic.
"
"the abater on waters pours unction
quelling trouble (as that is his function),
dispensing serenity,
providing amenity,
without favour or fear or compunction.
"
"abaciscus: a square or a tile
which is laid in mosaical style
like a puzzle or jigsaw
arrayed on a big floor
arranged with great grace and with guile.
"
"who in hell in the bible's abiah?
lowly wife or monarchic high-flier?
it depends in which book
you should happen to look
(her/his name means ""the lord is my sire"").
"
"the untouchables! actors had massed
to audition, but nobody passed.
in this bollywood flick,
there's no feasible pick.
who would choose an untouchable cast?
"
"condescending, i said to my troop,
""you'll bow down, or drop out of this group.""
then some cretin was dense,
claimed my words made no sense.
i replied in one syllable: ""stoop!""
"
"detroit's in a pickle!  they've made
awful cars, and they're not gettin' paid.
so they're askin' for cash
from the government's stash ?
they've got lemons; they want lemon aid.
"
"a cop pulled me over: alarm!
but i turned on my very best charm.
""oh, officer, though
i have weaved to and fro,
wreckless driving has caused no one harm.""
"
"if sonny and cher had a spat,
if her mackie dress made her look fat,
she was not one to feud
and no meltdown ensued.
now, wasn't cher noble 'bout that?
"
"do you live in a blue state or red?
is the choice of your party ahead?
when i vote, i see red,
and i'm blue, filled with dread.
i'm confused. should i write-in instead?
"
"""no matter what illness assails one,
chicken soup is the cure for what ails one,""
thus mine yiddisheh mama
dispensed with my drama.
she scolded, ""you're no prince of wails, son.""
"
"too lesbians met at a bawl,
slipped aweigh and maid out in the haul.
""love your assonance, deer.
sea me soon?  let me here.""
""aisle sure give ewe a homophone caul.""
"
"?
"
"i'm playing charades with my progeny
(a game that befits anthropogeny?).
i know nothing about
what i'm asked to act out!
""autogeny recaps phylogeny.""
"
"all this ""aussie cuisine"" stuff is dodgy:
those wattle-seed muffins are stodgy.
and that roadhouse in mudgee
serves leathery budgie
dressed up as ""bush bantam"".  that's bodgie!
"
"denisonia superba ? is this
a sweet-scented flower (such bliss)?
or a butterfly (cute)?
or some tropical fruit?
no.  a venomous swamp serpent (hiss).
"
"bushcamping's not flash, it's not frilly.
you eat what you've got in your dilly.
you roll out your swag,
on the fire chuck a snag,
then doss down, spin a yarn, swing the billy.
"
"i'd rather not rudely impose,
but i can't help but state that your nose
is not roman or elfinoid.
it's definitely delphinoid,
being bottle-shaped.  (also, it glows.)
"
"in your billycan, boil your lan-choo,
and then chuck in a gumleaf or two.
tap the can with a twig
(tealeaf sinks), take a swig ?
there's no taste like your bushie's brew, true.
"
"""now, witness, i've no wish to diss you,
but of lies your whole tale is a tissue.
we will call, to rebut it ? ""
says the judge: ""counsel, shut it!
that's just a collateral issue.""
"
"""is a bone shark a crook who sells bones?
(to bones as a loan shark's to loans?)""
no. i thank you for asking,
but the bone shark's a basking
shark.  (yes, they're aquatical clones.)
"
"""oh, wench! thou, in truth, art disprized.
get thee hence! damn thine eyes! be despised!""
thus petruchio pursued
and wooed kate, who was shrew'd
but unchastened (though chaste and chastised).
"
"do you want your new business to bloom?
then betwixt these two signs there is room:
???    pawn valuables here
and?we sell fishing gear
'tween a hock and a rod place, you'll boom.
"
"the lord high protector, he kept her,
the dead king's young princess, and prepped her.
she reigned, but he ruled,
though a crownlet bejewelled
he gave her (so too, a toy sceptre).
"
"from those ciggies and beers he feels icky
(had a biggie last night).  but the brickie
knows he's not paid to shirk
or be tricky, but work.
don't be picky!  go on ? chuck a sickie.
"
"look, she's batting her lashes (what luck)!
see those ""come hither"" glances she's snuck
with her big bedroom eyes,
which she winks at us guys.
but ? those eyebrows! she needs a good pluck!
"
"tho' i am but a mere balladeer
adorned in my worn galabeah,
let us sing now in glory ?
adore her, la dor?e,
this five-star deluxe dahabeah!
"
"dear bro, i'm as well as can be
expected, but wanna be free.
please ask mum if she'll bake
a small file in a cake.
my plea: disincarcerate me!
"
"you've deposited adipose stodge; you
add avoirdupois to your podge; you
are tubby ? so chubby
that i and my hubby
can't (jammed in your pram, pam) dislodge you.
"
"""it's a funny old game,"" said the don.
when you're in you are on; but you're gone
when you're out; and as well,
when a quick has a spell,
he may either be off or be on.
"
"in the outback, a tourist from tonga
got things wrong, and then wronger and wronger:
lost his way; left his car;
found a pub with no bar;
now he's dry as a dead dingo's donger.
"
"is ""beyond the black stump"" very near?
i'm afraid its location's unclear.
but i'm sure it is far
from wherever you are;
thus infer, without fear, it ain't here.
"
"""ow! my forehead is bleeding, you twit!""
don't be fit to be tied, in a snit.
take a dressing (three angle)
then fold but don't tangle:
a cravat bandage tied to be fit!
"
"you are full of hot cockypoop, honey.
you pong, and your undies smell funny.
your mates are all crooks.
may to emus your chooks
turn and kick down the door of your dunny!
"
"if computer encoding's your task, see,
most commonly you will use ascii.
it's a code lingua franca
from here to sri lanka.
what's it stand for? it's best not to ask me.
"
"when it's time for my afternoon meal
and i want that cathedral appeal,
quasimodo shows up
and he takes me to sup
at his lunch-back-of-notre-dame deal.
"
"let some needles drop down from on high
onto floorboards. record where they lie.
now buffon's method shows:
probabilities pose
a number converging on pi.
"
"les aucoin is a man in the know ?
first as poli sci prof, long ago.
then as oregon rep,
he was always in step.
""there's two sides to aucoin!"" he would crow.
"
"richard wagner, he didn't know much, man;
a plot about breakfast's a crutch, man.
eggs and bacon cause quibbling?
what's ring of the nibbling?
g?tterd?mmerung dumb frying dutchman!
"
"binomial coefficients: who knows them?
pascal's clever triangle shows them.
want to see them again?
(x + y)n.
c(n, k): that will also expose them.
"
"a concerto with orchestra takes
three movements with soloist breaks.
you can bet near the end's a
galvanic cadenza;
we cheer when it's senza mistakes.
"
"at gitmo the law came unhinged,
with the rights of the captives infringed.
the commander-in-chief
professed disbelief
when the statue of liberty cringed.
"
"what the heck is this symbol, apostrophe?
its meaning or import is lost to me.
a wannabe double-quote ?
half-of-the-trouble quote?
i never employ this monstrostrophe.
"
"it comes after 'a', before 'c',
and is always a comfort to me.
times of trouble and pain ?
mother mary's insane!
words of wisdom for all: ""letter b.""
"
"""i could play in a major, i bet,""
bragged the amateur golfer. ""no sweat!""
with his club he struck keys
(sharply: f's, c's and g's).
""now my wager i've won: pay your debt!""
"
"a practical, musical type
has plumbing which, blocked, makes him gripe.
when asked why he toots
in two sharps on his flutes,
he explains he's descaling his pipe.
"
"'e lies prone on 'is whistle, the coot,
and 'e puffs on 'is little cheroot.
as 'e blows rings of smoke,
'e be low, this 'ere bloke,
for 'e loves to be flat on 'is flute.
"
"she took an apartment, whereat
transpositions she made as she sat,
by diminishing b's
(also e's, a's and d's),
crooning tunes for bassoons in a flat.
"
"a cutting remark, untoward,
can wound, but as well get you gored.
a barbed insult or word'll
cause friendship to curdle,
so scabbard that double-edged sword.
"
"that horrible, terrible hedley
took aim both unerring and deadly,
and shot his big brother.
this shattered their mother,
whose screams were both stirring and dreadly.
"
"well, your gizmo is broke: it needs glue, dad.
the doohickey's out of date too, dad.
this thingumajig
just don't fit (it's too big).
whatcha want is a new god-darned doodad.
"
"with this stuff (c8h10o2)
called creosol, here's what to do:
take a sniff. (whiff of wood ?
is it birch?  sharp, but good.)
now get busy and scrub out the loo!
"
"please don't trip in these pot-holes or ruts, sir.
a slip could bring bruises and cuts, sir.
watch your step, good and proper,
and don't come a cropper.
(down under they'd say ""come a gutser"".)
"
"as young priests they were fired by their callin'.
now bishops, they slumber (how gallin').
old, slumped on their crozier,
dozy and dozier ?
oh, how the mitres have fallen.
"
"when the mythbusters, showing some spunk,
test apocryphal tales (will they flunk?),
it's their job to dig deep,
then go home where they sleep.
night or day, it's the way to debunk.
"
"ac power: a waveform displays,
sinusoidally pure, no delays.
if wall sockets seduce
and you turn on the juice,
it's okay ? you'll just go through a phase.
"
"it's according to hoyle? well, that's great.
you're observing the rules ? no debate.
you meant fred hoyle? how dreary ?
we've pummelled his theory
with a bang that blew up steady state.
"
"meesa think about star wars a lot.
jar jar binks: heesa pretty good shot.
meesa really respects
alla special effects,
but the film issa missin' a plot.
"
"invitations? for wifely detente,
i say, ""honey, what typeface you want
for the blessing of baby
by priests?""  she says, ""maybe...
we'll go with the baptismal font.""
"
"using sheep cheese in intercoms?  gee,
no investors are there to agree
my all-natural phones
could be worthy of loans,
so i'm sunk in a feta-com plea.
"
"andy warhol: pop art was his plan ?
15 minutes of fame for each man.
his life was too short, yet
he produced a fine portrait
of the artist, er..., as a young can.
"
"a farmer gets maximum yield
when the harvested crop is revealed.
it's not from the raining;
it's consummate training ?
outstanding, again, in his field.
"
"find a cure for the cold that is common.
quash the curse of the great tutankhamen.
lofty aims for my wife,
but my everyday life
would be better if meals were not ramen.
"
"for elvis' birthday, one rule:
""no embroidered adornments are cool.""
but not everyone knew
of the graceland taboo;
each present he prayed, ""don't be crewel.""
"
"a toadstone, a pivoting door,
a torture technique, a horse sore,
a type of red beet,
and spatchcocked, grilled meat:
six crapaudine meanings. no more.
"
"if you've got a green acre to plough,
but you first need to clear it, here's how:
take each dornick (a stone
that is easily thrown),
and then toss it away. (kerplonk...  'ow!')
"
"a spring, wedge or weight for your door
is a doorstop.  but wait, there is more:
a sandwich that's thick,
a pc (old and sick),
an mp sticking in his great oar.
"
"praise the lord! how i love to doxologize.
hallelujah! now, let's etymologize:
doxa's ""glory"" in greek;
logos stands for ""to speak"".
allah akbar! god's great! (i tautologize.)
"
"what's a douter? there's no doubt about it.
i'll say it aloud; nay, i'll shout it!
a thing with a handle
for snuffing a candle,
allowing milord to put out it.
"
"g'day mate! 'owyergoin'? oright?
i'm real crook, rough as guts. strike a light.
back o' bourke, did me diff.
lost me block, went the biff.
bloody oath! gotta choof, nighty-night.
"
"golden staph: this bad bug knocks you down.
golden gloves is the young boxer's crown
(he will hit, and not miss a fight).
and hey! here is chrysophyte:
golden algae (looks yellowish-brown).
"
"though he'd caused his whole family to die,
hedley's changed: what a wonderful guy!
dreaded hed gives kids sweets,
helps the blind to cross streets,
where he's hit by a bus, by and by.
"
"annoyed by his poor mother's screams,
young hedley (how dreadful this seems)
stopped her cries and her breath,
as he choked her to death,
saying, ""mummy, sleep well. pleasant dreams.""
"
"by your conduct debauched, you astonish.
you (a don), as your dean, i admonish.
an oxford don juan,
rutting girls in a barn?
you, adonis?  sir, kindly act donnish.
"
"pealing steeple bells: that's campanology.
mea culpa's the sinner's apology.
when, to praise the lord's name,
all ye faithful proclaim
""glory be"", that's the lesser doxology.
"
"my crop of cukes failed, though i'd built
a great greenhouse, equipped to the hilt
with alarms, to scare leetle bugs.
cucumber beetle thugs
caused my cucurbits to wilt!
"
"the war of the codes, battle ding-dong:
aussie rules is just ""aerial ping-pong""
claim supporters of rugby,
which rules fans call ""thugby"".
but all yell, ""the ump/ref's a ning-nong!""
"
"is your credo dogmatic, bombastic,
or rather elastic, more plastic?
agnostic, or theist?
atheistic, or deist?
believe it or not: that's doxastic.
"
"budgie-smuggling, he shows off his pecs.
and for lent he says, ""i'll give up sex.""
abbott, t.,  look at me:
have a nice cup of tea
and a lie-down (and, yes, take a bex).
"
"busty chicks on the beach, gettin' bronzer.
what corkers, those norks of yvonne's.  a
beaut day down at bondi;
of 'vonne i am fond.  i
sure think (for a sheila) she's bonza.
"
"diplosomia: siamese sibs
who, conjoined, don't use separate cribs.
now these partners have plighted
their kin-dom united ?
david (tory) and nick (for dem-libs).
"
"she has seizures (they've blamed belladonna),
and she's flushed, skin inflamed.  if ya wanna
use speech less demotic,
say ""acronarcotic"" ?
but whatever it's named, she's a goner.
"
"on the green, keen sir francis was plannin',
while he bowled, to give spain's hide a tannin'.
""from my bold men-o'-war
i'll roll 'bowls' (6 inch bore),
which i'll fire with my fine demicannon!""
"
"no, i cannot forgive you your con, john.
attempting deception's not on, john.
after feeling my bludgeon,
you'll (wicked curmudgeon)
be kept in my keep ? in my donjon.
"
"""thirty mils after meals, twice a day.""
""take these pills until pain fades away.""
that's dosology, see
(or posology). gee,
it's pharm management ? drugs rule, ok?
"
"a doucker's a fowl (same as ducker);
a whistler ? no quacker or clucker.
if you feel rather feeble
this ouzel or grebe'll
revive you, if taken as tucker.
"
"if a tree in a forest coniferous
(all fragrant with pine, so odiferous)
falls, though nobody's there,
and then dies, do we care?
does it suffer a death doloriferous?
"
"the chichas of khan el-khalili,
in cairo, are sold willy-nilly.
for this cool hubble-bubble
they'll ask at least double.
me, buy one? you think i'm that silly?
"
"when you serfs drive your cows to the fair
or to market, i duly declare,
if you cross my land here,
you'll pay dryfland each year.
i'm the lord, it's my due feudal share.
"
"what is digyny? i can confirm
it occurs when a monoploid sperm
meets an ovum that's diploid,
for a zygote that's triploid,
which rarely survives to full term.
"
"from goatherd to dotard, old hugh
dozed daily beneath the great yew.
though a dottard now, rotted,
with sap sapped and clotted,
its wood for hugh's casket will do.
"
"did dodos die? or, in dire doo-doo,
do they (due to bad juju or hoodoo)
to put it succinctly
exist, but extinctly:
as doomed dodo-zombies of voodoo?
"
"that feudal laird, dugald mcdougall,
though frugal, was proud of his flugel.
on its keys, for a stunt,
he'd play tunes contrapunt-
al, one voice upside-down: counter-fugal.
"
"a mollusc; a sea-growth that's stubby;
a fungal fruit-part; a plant shrubby;
a bulb in the brain,
and antennae-ends (twain)
join the clava club, full of things clubby.
"
"hell down under, act one.  at my desk,
i am penning a play dante-esque ?
bazza: ""lock up your daughters,
prepare for mass slaughters.
the wombats have all gone beresk!""
"
"do my oddly cut flagstones, and craving
for haphazard forms, mean i'm raving?
whereas sylvia plath
paved with death her sad path,
i obsessively lay crazy paving.
"
"he was once a real fat cat, a pharaoh,
well-heeled in silk shirt and sombrero.
but boom turned to dust,
now he's doomed, and he's bust ?
down and out, on the metho, a dero.
"
"my treatise on cystometrography
has flow-charts and lists and photography.
(cmg tests the flow
of your wee when you go.)
i have called it: ""your piss ? a biography"".
"
"false phobias, viral and tribal,
mutated from bits of the bible,
are fanned by s. palin,
whose rantin' and railin'
inflame that old wound, the blood libel.
"
"what on earth is this genus chaenopsis?
well, i'll give you a detailed synopsis:
there's a fish, the pikeblenny.
its features are many.
what's more... darn, i've reached this full stopsis.
"
"first, tick (a) if i rhyme.  then tick (b)
if i scan. now proceed to tick (c)
if this poem defines
in precisely five lines.
and if all of the above, please tick (d).
"
"what's this dornock? no no, it is not
a rap-rap on the door.  then, what what?
either damask that's coarse
(if so, holland's the source),
or stout linen (the weaver's a scot).
"
"the decoyer deployed a blonde lawyer,
who distracted the guards in the foyer
by exposing her brief,
thus enabling the thief
to abstract a van gogh and a goya.
"
"i look like a duck (just my luck).
like a duck i go quack (i don't cluck).
like a duck i do smell.
i walk duck-like, as well.
i think that i might be a...
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ??   ...goose?
"
"a cysticule's found sprouting near
the vestibular sac in the ear
of a fish, though i know
it's not easy to show
if this minuscule lobe helps it hear.
"
"from lahore, is our sore a psoriasis?
is it leprosy? are we pariahs, us?
no need to recoil!
you've got mild delhi boil ?
it's cutaneous (skin) leishmaniasis.
"
"for some real grouse bush tucker we lusted,
so a bush turkey hunt mob we mustered.
we crept nigh and then nigher ?
now ready, aim, fire!
oh, bugger! i missed 'im!  you bustard!
"
"diducement (abstruse, not in use)
means ""diduction"".  i know.  that's obtuse.
very well: it's the act
of splitting. that's fact.
by great zeus, i'll be deuced, i deduce!
"
"the aussie bloke's one of my peeves.
mr perfect? that's what he believes.
in his mind he's god's gift,
but commit? get my drift:
like a wombat he eats, roots and leaves.
"
"if you wish to eat fish, do not fail
to use flesh that is fresh and not stale.
ensure guts are removed,
and it's cleaned (for it's proved
that the devil is in the descale).
"
"well-known ""pollies"" are prone to baloney.
""an iron man i,"" boasted tony.
but in the event,
he got up, and he went.
show pony?  no, he ain't no phoney!
"
"peculiar, unique, big and burly q,
his pigtail's that cute little twirly queue.
cut it off and he'd go
back to nothing, an o.
here endeth the tale of q's curlicue.
"
"cry huzzah! the hussar gallops here,
to the front! quite unlike cuirassier,
who rides a fat horse
for the cavalry force.
stoutly armoured, he brings up the rear.
"
"wagers done.  centre's set.  ""come in, spinner!""
mug punter, he bets he's a winner.
coins spun (how they flew up!).
what fun, this game two-up.
but by sunset, the hard head's the grinner.
"
"to the ear, these could cause some confusion ?
dis-silition; -solution; -illusion.
""a bursting apart""
is the first. that's a start.
three's ""get real"", and two's ""a conclusion"".
"
"i will writes me a sonnet, doggone it,
with poetical sentiments on it
for poor dear old gran,
but before i've began
gimme, granma, a grammar (or donet).
"
"dissipable's simply dispersible.
as they could be reversed, they're reversible.
they mean ""could be scattered"".
you like them? i'm flattered.
(as this verse could be worse, is it worsable?)
"
"called stormcock (she sings in the rain),
she eats berries and worms, in the main.
miss li'l thrush should beware ?
she's become now more rare.
endangered? she's gone down, the draine.
"
"in our village they laid on the power.
each tent got a hot and cold shower.
then faisal's whole clan,
ninety camels, and gran
all moved in. now it's hell in the douar.
"
"i'd sell suits made of tin and cr?pe paper.
i'm an adman, a dream and deal shaper.
i'll weave all your needs
in plain twill or plaid tweeds.
i'm a man who is mad ? don the draper.
"
"the scale of c major, to me,
is a breeze  ? you just play each white key.
same notes, bluer mood?
play in dorian, dude.
in this mode, start on d, not on c.
"
"is your hair dull and flat, my sweet prince?
first shampoo, then condition, then rinse.
now use gel i found hidin' in
the drawer, made of cydonin,
derived from the seeds of the quince.
"
"round the iris looks fine ? no iritis,
but the tear duct is blocked by detritus.
eyelid sore? my inspection
detects an infection.
yes, dacryo(tear sac)cystitis.
"
"it behoves me herewith to devove
all my self to thee.  ne'er will i rove.
i declare now my love
on the wings of a dove,
and i vow my devotion, by jove.
"
"hearts racing, heads hot, morning cool ?
it is axes at dawn for the duel.
""it's the mind/body split...""
quips the dualist wit
as he's chopped clean in two, the poor fool.
"
"in artillery school, say the teachers,
""de bange's gun (bang!) always features
asbestos: it's best
as a seal when compressed,
thus preventing the breaching of breeches.""
"
"yo, cryal means ""heron"", okay?
there isn't much more one can say.
i could pad and add fluff,
but already, enough.
hey, cry all you like. make my day.
"
"""remove your knee, please, from my groin,""
i urge and entreat and enjoin.
""pretty please, please refrain,
as my loins are in pain,
for god's sake, i beg you ? disloign!""
"
"""triple twenty, times three.  what a starter.
ton eighty again!  even smarter!
double bull... (now, don't stop)
fifty one... double top!
he's pegged out!!  what a magic nine-darter!!!""
"
"a cocoyam (yum!) is a corm.
it thrives in wet climes that are warm.
for fufu, these tubers
are stewed by yorubas.
this food, too, in cuba's the norm.
"
"""now, class, let's be quite scientific,
specific, precise and classific.
so, what (here's a classic)
precedes the jurassic?""
""triassic, miss?"" ""yes, tess, terrific!""
"
"you're by constables seized, in belize?
call your consul responsible, please.
he'll counsel, seek bail,
cancel cheques, check your mail.
that's why merchants paid consulage (fees).
"
"my turkoman cook (clever fellow)
puts turmeric into our jello.
we not only favour
the savour and flavour ?
the curcumin makes it go yellow!
"
"""cowabunga!"" this cry (though it's curt)'ll
be heard as to battle they hurtle.
they're armed and they're ninjas.
on pizza, they're bingers.
they're teenage, they're mutant, they're turtle.
"
"it's the latest in fashion from france,
and my trousers stay up when i dance.
look, no belt and no braces.
ma, what's in their place is
elasticised waistbanded pants.
"
"""me, emotive? you just make me puke!
so you claim you're objective, you kook?
here is my cool analysis:
baby, you're callous. is
that cool enough?"" (my rebuke.)
"
"as porcine's to pig (which is clear),
and bovine's to cow, bull or steer,
so elaphine's what?
to elephant? not.
it's to stag (cervus elaphus), dear.
"
"inconsolable sobbing (enraged)
gave way to dull stares (disengaged).
she's distraught and despairing,
distracted past caring ?
""bad cat got canary!"" (discaged).
"
"gawky orca says (aukwardly), ""auk,
i'm a dork, dearest dovekie, to talk.
i swear (heavens above!)
it is you whom i love.""
little auk baulks.  she gawks and goes, ""squawk.""
"
"on our crest, with a roo aussies team you.
you taste best when we stew you. we deem you
supreme. you're a bird
who can't fly (how absurd),
yet we love and esteem you, o emu.
"
"""men, repel them! our foemen we'll daunt!
disavaunce them, and valour now flaunt!""
but they flouted his orders
and fled for safe borders.
(""disavaunce? disadvance!"" was their taunt.)
"
"""eloign!"" yelled eileen at elaine.
""learn to leave me alone. you're a pain.
can't you see (you're so blind!)
we're no longer aligned?
pack your bags. take a hike. catch a plane.""
"
"discordianism: it's great.
as confusion's our state (and our fate),
we say, ""all pray for chaos"".
no way? then oy vay us.
""life is strife"" ? since around '58.
"
"this session is extra complex. it
is causing him stress, but he checks it.
so, aggressive egression
or passive repression?
no, feck it! (he heads for the exit.)
"
"blind freddy could see that, charmaine.
(what on earth do you use for a brain?)
there are no shades of grey.
it is clearer than day.
as the nose on your face, it's as plain.
"
"""in our church, the big cheese (jesus) frees ya!""
yuk! i'd rather drink milk of magnesia.
for our spiritual ad,
how 'bout something more trad ?
""god is great.  why not try our ecclesia?""
"
"i cry when they die.  i'm the cryer,
the shire's chief mourner, for hire.
when for me comes the reaper,
who'll weep for the weeper?
will they stride on dry-eyed by my pyre?
"
"you've got coccidioidomycosis
(valley fever) ? that's my diagnosis.
your flu and those sores
are from airborne soil spores.
i'll prescribe anti-fungals, in doses.
"
"it's a fact (but it's still little known)
that castro has been overthrown.
box jellyfish, who
just seized power (a coup!),
have proclaimed their new state cubozoan.
"
"""by the stars and the stripes, i swear truly
to obey, to respect, and be ruly.
we done here? no sweat.
so now gimme my jet,""
said the air force cadet freshman (doolie).
"
"says god: won't these mortals just learn,
ev'ry thing has its season?1  turn, turn.2
que sera.3 let it be.4
please, just leave it to me.5
how i move's not an earthly concern.6
"
"said the dic man, ""i can say,
for myself, you're most welcome to stay.
departmentally speaking,
however, we're seeking
expulsion.  so, please go away.""
"
"i've encountered an interesting term,
namely earthmad.  i'd like to affirm
it can not mean the planet
is bonkers (or can it?),
this outdated word for a worm.
"
"the verdict turned out rather well.
jealous jacques shot them both: beau and belle.
they'd been caught (he'd been tricked)
in flagrante delict-
o. ""not guilty"" (a crime passionel).
"
"curval,  curvant and  curvate, i've heard,
are three words which mean ""curved"". how absurd!
i've been wracking my brain,
but i cannot explain
how this lexical excess occurred.
"
"what, no ramparts? this couldn't be dafter.
our besiegers will perish ? of laughter.
men, unless death-by-mirth works,
we're done for. build earthworks!
(or find ourselves in the hereafter.)
"
"i may be accused of gross bias
by orthodox folk who are pious,
but, less being more,
the book i adore
most of all in the bible's abdias.
"
"""cease your seasonal feasting, you berk,"" he
implored. ""eat dried meat (preserved jerky).
you gobble and stuff
far too much.  that's enough,
so this christmas you're going cold turkey!""
"
"elucubrate, mate.  stay up late.
light the candle and stoke up the grate.
toil till morn, all the night,
through to dawn's rosy light,
penning epics (like this) on your slate.
"
"as white light is refracted by prisms,
one faith was cracked, wracked by false ?isms.
""rome's babylon's whore!""
roared john knox, ""and what's more,
you're a poxy old doxy!"" hence, schisms.
"
"saint thomas, the doubting apostle,
in the gospel caused scandal colossal,
as he'd only believe
what his eyes could perceive.
what a silly (or was he?) old fossil!
"
"""i believe,"" said the ven'rable beadle,
""that through the fine eye of a needle
a camel (though squeezily)
passes more easily
than rich men to heaven.""  that's creedal.
"
"in 1 chronicles 8:23
hanan, abdon and zichri (q.v.)
were by shashak begat
(in his shack?  on his mat?)
in the days of king david (b.c.).
"
"at first you may think he's a girlie jew,
with sidelocks so lengthy and twirly too.
but he's bris'ed, and a boy
(so you're right, he's no goy);
he's just pious, with payos ? his curlicue.
"
"don't proceed (you've been warned) if you're meek.
here's a single, earth-shattering shriek:
ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-
ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-eek!!
"
"he died at his final attempt (he
had jumped). he'd been ill and unkempt. he
could no longer cope,
dreams all dashed, beyond hope,
and he felt (as he fell) life was &nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp.
"
"in '07, if mem'ry's abiding,
big ben, then unbeaten, came striding
to fight. how he swaggered!
round three, though, he staggered.
then ben copped a helluva hiding.
"
"at stick-clacking no one is handier
than i, in the homeland of ghandi. a
ghagra (designer)
i flaunt ? nothing's finer.
my disco-queen dancing is dandiya.
"
"their straits became direr and darker;
their fate lay in wait, ever starker.
poor dudley and stephens;
bad odds: less than evens...
good god, they're alive! (they ate parker.)
"
"a funny old bird is the eccle,
going peck-peck-peck-peck-peck-peck-peck all
day long in his tree.
he's a woodpecker, see,
and a right royal pain in the neckle.
"
"reading signs from the starry ecliptic,
like an apophthegm, oft can be cryptic.
the maxim is minimal,
sometimes subliminal ?
noetic, poetic, elliptic.
"
"i've committed gross crimes undetectable,
injected each drug that's injectable,
small birds vivisected,
and maidens infected.
i am, through and through, disrespectable.
"
"tell us, why doth the flame draw the moth?
tell us, why doth he slumber, the sloth?
and moreover, please tell us
(to know, we are zealous)
why doth doth (does, now) not rhyme with ""broth""?
"
"""to argue, m'lud, i disdain.
this case is de plano.  the main...""
(why can't those qcs,
with their fat words and fees,
just speak plainly, and say ""it is plain""?)
"
"puss was out the whole night, cold and foggy,
and dragged herself in, sore and soggy...
from sphagnum bog moss'll
come peat (a non-fossil
fuel).  purr as it burns, miss boss moggy!
"
"you're all dills. you are thick as a brick, mick.
as for you, i should give you the flick, dick
(while the lights may be on,
there is no-one home). john,
you're two sandwiches short of a picnic.
"
"so you're after a doughty, white cotton?
french muslin's too flimsy.  it's rotten
for stout soldiers' gaiters
or starchy, stiff waiters.
try dowlas.  it's scottish.  it's spot on.
"
"ephemeral, yet never dimmer, a
fiery, ethereal glimmerer;
earth-spirits capering,
mistily vapouring:
mythic chimaera, the shimmerer.
"
"joe's oboe's tone's beau, virtuoso.
but no mojo ? slow notes, flowing woe, so
joe, whoa.  oh, bro', stop.
no mo' blues.  blow dat bop!
(i'm so over morose doloroso.)
"
"what's a culdee? an anchorite celt.
here's his spare, simple cell, where he dwelt.
hermitically sealed,
his faith was his shield.
(but he seldom shampooed, and he smelt.)
"
"some thought, in the late fifteenth century,
for a fee, the pope's plenipotentiary
decreed dispensations,
and rich congregations
indulged in debauch and in wenchery!
"
"""i do."" with these words, she did vow,
""dear, to you, my whole life i endow.""
when he led her to bed
(legs atremble), she said,
""first things first.  the dotation, sir.  now.""
"
"in musical theory, the key
when you're teaching is always to be
soft and kind with a kid.
do not shout, but say, ""sid,
it is hard to be sharp.  don't you see?""
"
"the myopic contralto would bring
her glasses on stage.  here's the thing ?
all her notes were pitched high,
by a semitone. why?
""i like to see sharp when i sing.""
"
"abiasaph often found glee
in the sins of his sister (so free).
as third son of korah
he found fun in torah?
a pious laugh had he, hee-hee!
"
"guessed zimmerman, ""hmm... at a minimum,
isn't cinnamon here in this dinner, mum?
and that (yum!) spice that's clung ?
on the tip of my tongue...
cumin!"" (synonym: cuminum cyminum.)
"
"avalerion ? lord of the sky ?
ever nests with his sister. here's why:
three score years plus have passed
'til two eggs hatch, at last.
then they fly to the sea, dive... and die.
"
"the didapper dabs and he scrabbles
for fish, which he drabbles and knabbles.
this dabchick's surviving
by dipping and diving,
but won't stick around: he just dabbles.
"
"hedley's dad was afraid, full of dread.
""you have killed all our family,"" he said.
""my poor children and wife...""
as hed thrust with his knife,
he said, ""whaddaya know, daddy's dead.""
"
"deadly hedley was dreadfully wicked.
he'd killed half his family, and snickered.
and then, having kissed her,
he poisoned his sister,
before going out to get shickered.
"
"you're an always-at-home-for-the-birth mother;
a ""cheap? yes, but what is it worth?"" mother.
you're a saint, it is true.
makes me sick.  mum, you, you...
(what's the worst i can say?) you, you... earth mother!
"
"whereas stoneware is fired rather hotter
(twelve hundred degrees) by the potter,
bake earthenware clay
to a thousand, ok?
(by the way, a.k.a. terra cotta.)
"
"dryden's decence is in its descent.
some three centuries later, it's spent.
it meant ""decency"", though
not used recently, so
it is time it was silenced, and went.
"
"dear-loved ""pappy"" of wilfred and jill,
of veronica, bobby and bill.
rest in peace. ""that was pap,""
exclaimed fred. ""cut the crap!
dear-loved, schmear-loved. now, where's the damned will?""
"
"""mother, bertie and i, for a lark,
are off to kill larks in the park.
with my day-net we'll trap 'em;
their little necks? snap 'em!""
""how sweet, dear. but charles, home by dark.""
"
"wow, your beehive is hot, but beware
of a candlelit evening affair.
naked flames are romantic,
but coifs so gigantic
are hazardous ? candle with hair.
"
"each thursday at three, the white rabbit
routinely enrobes as an abbot.
mozetta, biretta,
rochet, manteletta ?
you see, he's a creature of habit.
"
"my drogher (she sails the bahamas)
carts cargo ? papayas, pyjamas,
banderas, bandanas,
rum, sugar, bananas,
and andes alpacas (and llamas).
"
"are you prone (on the pill, jill) to pimple?
does that mustache you grew dim your dimple?
for improved medication
try third-generation
desogestrel: the best.  it's that simple!
"
"she's a stirrer, a trailer, a trolley,
a mag, toy, girl, cloned sheep (by golly),
a movie-set rig,
a rivet-set jig,
and a dame in a show:  hello, dolly!
"
"a revhead, a ranga named lana
(a redhead who loved her torana),
drove at dangerous speed,
copped a fine for her deed ?
then that deadhead saw red, did her nana.
"
"what's an aschelminth? well, it's a term
for a type, as i hereby affirm,
of spineless, unthinking,
deaf, blind (and unblinking),
pseudocoelomate, miniature worm.
"
"""would my lord care to read the fourth clause
of the deed? with respect to the laws...""
""but that clause,"" roars the judge
(let's not fudge: he won't budge),
""is outside this dispute.  it's dehors.""
"
"we shall fight in the streets, on the shores.
we shall never surrender.  for wars
we engage in with nations,
we've fortifications
outside of our towns (our dehors).
"
"lovey-dovey, they bill and they coo
in their eggery (room with a view).
they build energetically,
flitting frenetically ?
eggs lie expectantly (two).
"
"i trip o'er ecthlipsis. my lips
lisp limply. this term, in eclipse,
meant elision of -um,
as in this rule of numb ?
""opi' eases the tedi' on ships.""
"
"o edelweiss! blossom of snow!
may you bloom here forever, and grow.
like dirndls and strudels,
you symbolise oodles
to austrians (dears who sing 'do').
"
"her equestrian, stressed, spurred her testily.
""betsy, you pest! quest less westerly!""
neighed the nag, ""nay, it's best
(those spurs press!) i head west.
(this bit hurts!) yes, you're treating me bestially.""
"
"you can ride on: a bus (double-decker)
in london; a camel in mecca;
a canoe in samoa;
and, when you're in goa,
a horse-powered trap called an ekka.
"
"is a cymule a virtual mule
(he who hee-haws in cyberspace)?  fool!
it's a small, simple cyme ?
(what's a cyme? read this rhyme.)
thus a miniature, petalous jewel.
"
"emaculation's removal of spots.
so, what's up? i can't scrub off the dots
on my cat, whose fur's peppered
with lots, as a leopard
will not change its spots. and that's what's.
"
"""decapitate! off with your head!""
makes you quake. detruncation, instead,
is the same, only more so:
it's ""off with your torso!""
however you cut it, you're dead.
"
"you went digging for gold, which you struck.
now you're posh, thanks to cunning and luck.
with your airs and your graces
you've covered your traces,
but we know you're common as muck.
"
"now our love i must curse (that's  devove),
though to save it i mightily strove.
i renounce you. you, whore,
broke those oaths that we swore,
for i cleaved as i'd vowed, but you clove.
"
"&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp o
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp&nbsp  i'll do if your
&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp head's teeny-weeny,
&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp is large or is sized in-betweeny.&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp&amp;nbsp
i rug you up warm/so snug in the storm.
i'm a one-size-fits-all hat ? the beanie.
"
"degenerationists say, i recall:
""we decay, and are all doomed to fall.
mankind is our topic.
the trend is entropic.
things go to the dogs. that is all.""
"
"iron post-grad enthralls the whole nation.
tonight it's on ""kant and causation"".
whose thesis (the theme
is extreme) reigns supreme?
what a contest! superb decertation!
"
"once empair and impair formed a pair,
as their meanings they shared, which seemed fair.
was our word-list which spared
us empaired unempaired?
yes?... or no?... you don't care? (i despair.)
"
"i was held, witch, there under your spell
in your hell-ditch, an eerie dark cell.
it was eldritch (that's weird).
there i dwelt, bitch. i feared
a tolled bell, which would be my death's knell.
"
"da meany ol' duke of grissini'll
be, with da gentry, congenial.
to his maid who does cleaning
and serves, he's demeaning,
befitting his manor demesnial...
"
"""i can see them, the bright lights of perth, man!
i can't tell you how much this is worth, man!""
said john glenn, ""i am thinking:
at me, they are winking!
i sure am one fortunate earthman!""
"
"deambulate, lad. walk abroad!
park your car, be it fiat or ford.
leave your bike in its shed.
take a hike, boy, instead,
and step out for a stroll on the sward.
"
"beware of the brinicle, bill,
of its fingers of ice that will kill.
downwards briny plumes spiral.
(on youtube, went viral.
the bbc shot it.  'twas brill.)
"
"empirically speaking, i know
(as i've seen them) live coals warmly glow.
furthermore (this is lyrical),
lo! they're empyrical.
webster, my friend, tells us so.
"
"isaac's out. step up, al, take a bow.
your fans dig you, old buddy, and how.
you like physics? you want 'em?
sure! take 'em, in quantum!
we're all so einsteinian now.
"
"to dine on flamingo with feta
is fine, but a dish even better
is heron with brie.
guarantee you'd agree
that you'll never regret an egretta.
"
"here's a puzzle on which you may mull ?
define the fine word disannul.
annulment, reversed?
(that's what i thought at first.)
but, no!  it's ""annul"" ? ain't that dull?
"
"a-atishoo! atishoo! atishoo!!
atishoo! atishoo! atishoo!!
atishoo! atishoo!
atishoo! atishoo!
for god's sake, please get me a tissue!!
"
"colonialism's pass?.
imperial rule's had its day.
that said, it was fun
to sit out in the sun
and have boys bringing pimm's on a tray.
"
"on ya new malvern star, wotcha think?
down the street, to the shop for a drink.
it'll look really deadly,
us two on ya treadly.
c'arn mate, 'ava go, gi's a dink!
"
"my poor earth-closet, when i don't sit
on its throne, has a bottomless pit,
but i do, as a rule.
see, i'm just an old fool
and i really love hav? (now i'll quit).
"
"in the egg (be it human or chicken),
life is slowly beginning to quicken.
the colliquament brew,
""primigenial dew"" ?
foetal fluids amass, stir and thicken.
"
"my arrival ? a whirl of romance.
they're bewitched by the girl who enchants.
i mesmerise guys
with my spell-binding eyes.
what an entrance! (i love to entrance.)
"
"a donnat (or do-naught), in short,
like a doormat, when stepped on does nought.
like a doughnut of dough
at his core's a big o.
(dat donnat don't do what he ought.)
"
"""hello,"" they say pertly, although
each one of them loathes him, their foe.
looks can't kill, just as well.
lest you blurt ""go to hell"",
our advice: stay alert; say ""hello.""
"
"scene one: bayonets fixed, they attack.
from this point there'll be no turning back.
but they're up a blind alley,
box canyon, blind valley.
a steephead: they're trapped... fade to black.
"
"friendly fisherfolk go on a drave,
sharing nets, and their catch, because they've
(from the far coast of java
to boats on the drave)
decided ? to share is to save.
"
"in the scheme of things feudal, the freemen
were only quite minor (or wee) men.
a vill contained ten
of these stout english men.
and a demivill? two more than three men.
"
"my orders, my daughter, you shun.
irksome girl, you just wanna have fun.
you get right up my nostrils.
an order more claustral's
prescribed, so withdraw. be a nun.
"
"marine ornithologists (gull men)
love to boast of the length of the culmen
(top edge of the bill,
tip to head). what a thrill!
yup, it sure goes to show they ain't dull men.
"
"top banana, plum job, loads of loot.
go, man go. you're in business, astute.
you're no lemon, old bean.
cherry ripe, peachy keen!
dressed up beaut in your cute bag of fruit.
"
"sip this brandy that's cheap (my pop's drop);
see that dandy bow deep (a fop's flop);
copper cup (for a gem
being cut) on a stem;
and to dip: all are dop (now i'll stop).
"
"young sir, not yet knighted ? so fair,
thou'll turn damsels' heads (zounds, how they'll stare!).
both the brunettes and blondes'll
go mad for thee, donzel.
rapunzels will let down their hair.
"
"a state of division's ""diffission"".
deficient, is this definition?
despite your derision,
this here's my decision:
sufficient.  here endeth my mission.
"
"what is eatage? it's fodder or forage
in fields or in barns, baled in storage.
as eat to it, seep
is to seepage. to sheep
or to cows it is as, to us, porridge.
"
"they're sites of deboshment, by gosh ?
twin sin cities.  in foulness, they slosh.
don't say ""sodom"" (begorra!)
or mention ""gomorrah"".
your mouth out with soap, you should wash.
"
"you spread eddo on bread, ed? incredible.
though eddo, it's said, ed, is edible,
it's not yummy and jammy,
but taro (that's yammy).
don't get it, ed? eddo ain't spreadable!
"
"to my desklamp: reliable, trustable,
ungainly ? a crane that's adjustable.
forget modern toys;
praise the old anglepoise:
she's spring-strung, ever-young, and unbustable!
"
"""the special today is terrine
made of innards of dolphin: the spleen
mixed with finely chopped liver.
go on, try a sliver.
it's delphine, divine?"" (ugh! obscene!)
"
"o dorhawk, foul fiend i abhor,
you suck goats, dripping milk from your maw!
on your sinister flight,
you jar the calm night...
no, in fact, it eats beetles (the dor).
"
"""encyclopaedia"", pa'd say to me,
""is hard. can you spell it?"" ? ""i-t""
(i was six). yes, i know,
we were corny then, so
now i'd go, ""g-o-o-g-l-e.""
"
"i pen paeans of praise, oh so lyrical,
frothy pink clouds panegyrical.
here is my foamiest?
""hail the encomiast:
ode to myself (mother's miracle)"".
"
"""lifetime savings assured! all you wish'll
be granted by god!"" it's official:
kirk assembly's decreed
this the text we will read
for our ad.  (our commercial's comitial.)
"
"there are charges of ""littering"", sir,
and ""jaywalking"", too, i aver.
this indictment's in doubt.
it is hard to make out,
though allegeable ? ""pirst decree mur...""?
"
"naval ensigns have history to thank
for the name of their rather low rank
(like a second lieutenant) ?
they'd take the ship's pennant
(her ensign) on deck as she sank.
"
"where she lives, on the slopes, it was dull for
a time. then it spewed steam and sulphur
(it's ripe to erupt).
now the ante is upped,
as the lava flows down to engul...
"
"poor yeomen, we're left all bereft.
we have lost all our land: disenfeoffed.
our foemen have picked us
as prey: they'll evict us.
no longer enfeoffed, we are effed.
"
"denticulate: finely serrated,
like the edge of a cheese that's been grated,
a stamp, or the stump
of the arm of a chump
who has swum in a swamp (alligatored).
"
"""we trust you've enjoyed all our shows.
let us pray now, before we repose..."".
late each night some old bod
on the box would talk god.
in the guide it said ""epilogue (close)"".
"
"the great hamlets (oliviers, burtons...)
bow deeply, aware that what's certain's
the end (one fine day,
at the close of the play,
the applause dies away, and it's curtains).
"
"as enshrouded in mist are those trees,
so enshrouded in mystery are these:
there's that shroud (in turin),
and that light (double min),
and that place (where i've left my damned keys).
"
"the carpospore, what is it for?
to tell you the truth, i'm not sure.
it's not quite a germ,
or a worm, or a sperm,
but i know it helps algae make more.
"
"burt lancaster stank as the master.
van heflin? he tanked as the blaster.
george kennedy chewed
on cigars. dino screwed,
all in airport, that movie disaster.
"
"to the gallery? no. i hate mod art.
to me it's all odd art and cod art.
gimme hockey, not hockneys.
(don't mock me!) let's knock knees ?
grab sticks, hit the field, and play doddart.
"
"the elephant shrew, it is true,
sure is shrew-like, but isn't a shrew.
it's called ""elephant"" 'cos
of its tubular schnoz.
(and they're african cousins.  who knew?)
"
"0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0
see this stone cut with rhythm and verve,
or a moulding that's cast in a curve.
this is classical art:
it's the old egg-and-dart
of the architect's arrow/oeuf oeuvre.
0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0!0
"
"""we're in perfect agreeance""?  good grief!
i, aggrieved, disagree.  what's my beef?
for achievement, achievance?
no! here is my grievance:
just say in agreement, please, chief.
"
"""good morning. it's time for your nap.
just relax, please. (nurse, tighten that strap.)
there is no need to yelp.
we are all here to help
you, electroconvulsively."" (zzzap!)
"
"an econometrician, who gleans
fancy facts from his stats on his screens,
hypes his flash market model,
but all of it's twaddle ?
the bottom line is, he counts beans.
"
"a manly young miner named melvyn
loves quarryin', diggin' and delvin'
for a greenish-cum-fawnish
quartz course that is cornish,
a porphyry vein called an elvan.
"
"this limerick is slightly defectious.
the pansy's the state flower of texas.
pigs can fly (and they know it).
i am a fine poet.
the defects ? well, by my count there are about six, yes?
"
"""from the greek, class, today's word: echinus.
define it, please. now then, no shyness.""
""on ionian pillars,
they're curvy carved fillers?""
""dear, doric's the order (a-).""
"
"expectantly, feeling a-quiver,
you feel that old shudder or shiver
of pleasure or pain,
due to stuff in your brain
made from dopa (produced by your liver).
"
"do you find you have vision that's double?
a big, big night down at the pub'll
make you see stuff stuff twice
when once once would suffice.
it's it's diplopy.  my my, that's trouble.
"
"whether bongo beats make you go loco,
or you go for baroque and rococo,
the spirit's the thing.
let it rip! let it sing!
play with fire in your belly ? con fuoco!
"
"will the pope's new encyclical pull,
o'er the eyes of the masses, the wool?
will his circular letter
express nothing better
than, palpably, more papal bull?
"
"from league-leaders to poor cellar-dwellers,
we aussies are afl fellas
(keep your hockeys, your soccers
and rugbys, you knockers),
true-blue, through and through aflers.
"
"""i am hypno the great. i stand tall.
i astonish, amaze, i enthrall,
spellbind all and astound
with my magic renowned.""
""i assist him. i'm schlomo the small.""
"
"on the tomb of my father i vowed
to never be beaten or cowed.
though you've punctured my lung
and forced nails through my tongue,
i am bloody, by god, but unbowed.
"
"like the king when he sang ""in the ghetto"",
and gilda in joe's rigoletto,
to be more appealing,
please do it with feeling ?
bring tears to their eyes, con affetto.
"
"my mother has kidney stones. oy.
my sister ran off with a goy.
my wife thrust a knife
(now she's looking at life).
how's it going? don't ask. boy oh boy.
"
"""come one and come all! be enthralled!""
bawled the circus clown (short, fat and bald).
so i shelled out me shilling.
the act the most thrilling?
the tigers (old baldie got mauled).
"
"draff (or draugh, if you will) is some stuff
for your calf (it is swill). now, the bluff:
""draugh's a 't' short of draught.""
that is duff, and it's daft.
get my drift? it just isn't enoug!
"
"so, you're curialistic. how curious,
to stick to a credo so spurious ?
papal power's impeccable,
holy, uncheckable?
ultramontanes like you make me furious.
"
"first, no alibi, nothing eliminatory;
then, the witness who says she saw him in a tree;
third,  the corpse of the bird;
fourth, the purr that was heard;
fifth, the fur ? against tiddles, all criminatory.
"
"to rank all those others' ethnicity
would rankle, for ethnocentricity.
""ours are round; theirs are long"" ?
how simplistic and wrong,
to (de)grade by their heads' ellipticity!
"
"born first, ere they'd wed, and this stain
shames your name, so you're blamed with disdain.
mewling mulier puisne
is puny, but soon he
will oust you, you poor bastard eigne.
"
"little foal, you will make a great sire
whose nostrils will twitch and breathe fire.
mares, nervous, aquiver,
you'll service (they'll shiver!).
no gelding ? my stallion entire.
"
"when wading, watch out in the briny
for sea-urchins (spherical, spiny).
to echini act kindly:
don't step on one blindly,
for even the biggies are tine-y.
"
"cure of souls ? sacral role of the curate.
kpis: sunday bums-on-seats (pew rate);
ounces (wine) they consumed;
number (altar boys) groomed;
baptised converts (ex-heathen-and-jew rate).
"
"how to kill: a cute kitten? well, drown it;
a bottle of gin? simple, down it;
the king? choke, in bed;
then install in his stead
his young son, on whose head place a crownet.
"
"yonder maiden i spy is a belle. a
bold feller i am, so i'll tell 'er.
(love to loosen thy corset ?
gadzooks, lad, don't force it.)
""thy donzel salutes damosella.""
"
"we're exploited! we work for your gains.
just ""check-out chicks""? no! we have brains.
we will strike for our cause,
and we'll close down your stores,
for we've nothing to lose but your chains.
"
"i'm a slumlord: i bleed dry the poor.
i'm a pimp, and i feed off my whore.
i oppress all my workers;
make daughters wear burkhas.
exploiter's my name ? give me more!
"
"""the ayes have it,"" chair says, his voice stiff.
""motion carried."" ? ""object! that's skewiff!
we've scarcely a quorum.""
chair: ""please, due decorum.""
sounds tedious? very! (board's tiff.)
"
"it's crib time, so what's in our bags?
cut lunches with sammos and snags.
that'll do, so we grin,
'cause it's time to bog in,
have a yack and then hand round the fags.
"
"euripides, sophocles, strauss
set their tragedies down in the house
of the daughter electra
(pluck lyres, with plectra)
who murdered her mother (the louse).
"
"extras (sundries) are runs that aren't hit ?
""lb"", ""w"", ""nb"", ""b"" writ:
off the pad, not the bat;
out of reach, past my hat;
bowler's arm or foot's out; missed the mitt.
"
"we know extra means ""more"", or ""a lot"" ?
extra special, or virgin, or hot.
but can it mean less?
extraordinary? yes!
that's less common. make sense? (really, not.)
"
"scrabble bingo? not quite. i require a t.
(i'm holding these letters: en?? irety.)
come on punk, make my day ?
you've played part. i can play
all my tiles, wholly, in their entirety!
"
"exsanguinate! open a vein;
slash an artery: let your blood rain.
let's be rash ? in a rush
make a gash; see it gush;
in a flash, all will flush out and drain.
"
"in the dock, charged with murder, two gents
blame each other ? a cut-throat defence.
each swears ""i did no harm,""
and it works like a charm:
both will fry because neither repents.
"
"please don't stare at me, evil-eyed, quizzically.
i'm a wizard, you know. i act wizically.
my powers are psychic
and magic, so my kick
you'd feel from afar, extraphysically.
"
"?????????????????????all mixed up, in a knot.
?????????and a limerick that's mortally mangled.
i'm ensnared, they're ensnarled, we're entangled.
??????my lines are criss-crossed, poorly angled,
????????????????what a mare's-nest we've got,
"
"ex-car nation: we've run out of fuel;
no services; transport by mule;
corpses rot. as we stare,
vultures pick their bones bare.
excarnation ? the act of a ghoul.
"
"in the good old days, friends all came first. while
the band played, we loved fit to burst.  while
that's true, time goes by.
now we're through, they and i.
so my friends? let's just say all are erstwhile.
"
"fair ophelia: ""i long for your baby.
what would, highness, your attitude, pray, be?
is our baby to be,
or be not? answer me.""
hamlet muses, equivocally: ""maybe"".
"
"at coffs harbour, the great big banana;
the monaro; the ute; the torana;
a prawn on the barbie;
red dust in the carbie;
aussie, aussie! australi-oi!-ana.
"
"i'm afraid you've missed out on the role,
though you looked quite the part on the whole,
and were dressed to the nines,
and had learnt all your lines.
but essentially, son, you lack soul.
"
"excruciating: here is the goss ?
""in the gospel's the pain of our boss.
beyond words his affliction,
so this crucifixion
gave rise to this word."" makes me cross.
"
"jurors, now that you've heard all the evidence,
assess, if you will (you are clever gents)
the witless unfitness
of each shifty witness.
convict him? on that? no sirs. never, gents.
"
"esperanto (""a hoper""), a tongue,
was designed to be spoken among
all the folk on this earth
both of low and high birth,
but its speakers are few and far-flung.
"
"your deed's signed, sir, it's sealed and embossed.
all the i's have been dotted, t's crossed.
now, we don't like to boast,
but it's finely engrossed
(which entails, i'm afraid, added cost).
"
"""son, top brass are the echelons (upper),
in the officers' mess, scoffing supper.""
""and their squadrons of planes,
like grey geese strung in skeins,
fly in echelons (vees), don't they, papa?""
"
"i am not one who's short of a pal ?
there is silas, there's betty, there's sal...
far too many to mention
(i'd lose your attention).
the others? let's call them et al.
"
"here's an equitable outcome: it's fair.
we'll acquit all our debts, each his share.
what, you say that's unjust?
then i'll quit, you'll go bust,
and our deal will go shaped (as in pear).
"
"secret rites (eleusinian mysteries),
you boast, brought you wisdom and bliss, therese.
but the mysteries' gist's
lost in history's mists,
so i'm skeptical (not that i'd diss therese).
"
"""so you're out on the lake, in the barge,
with a corpse and a knife,"" says the sarge.
""never meant him to die,""
says the kid. ""honest, i
can explain, if you'll let me enlarge.""
"
"the word circumstant (noun) was a guy
who is there, but who's just standing by.
adjectivally used,
say the books i've perused,
it's ""surrounding"" (""earth's circumstant sky"").
"
"build your own backyard church, chapter 9
is called ""all about arches' design"" ?
""atop each pilaster,
carve chaptrels..."" much faster:
pray out in your garden. divine.
"
"into credulousness she was lulled,
when he swore it meant ""apt to be culled"".
cut it out! you believe?
then this means you're na?ve:
cullibility ? girl, you've been gulled.
"
"certain serpents about? don stout denim
and gaiters and boots. trap and pen 'em.
thick clothes give protection
from fangs' cruel injection
of fatal echidnine (snake venom).
"
"it is obvious, trevor (that's evident),
my precious, prized porsche, you must never dent.
take my keys; have a ball.
one condition, recall ?
please return her intact, without, trev, a dent.
"
"""to reside in belize, which is prized,
request citizenship,"" he advised.
""to begin,  send your fees in,
then swear your belizean
allegiance. voil?! you're denized.""
"
"a cryer's a weeper (boo hoo),
or a trained female falcon (true, too);
and a guy who's a buyer
might buy from a cryer:
squawker, hawk and a hawker. hooroo!
"
"didelphian mamas, parentally,
are mammals that birth non-placentally.
'mongst marsups and opossums,
maternal love blossoms ?
pouched joeys accouched, oh so gen'tally.
"
"sexy/sulky, moods mellow/dramatic,
in bed you're just sometimes ecstatic,
senseless comings and goings,
ceaseless hot and cold blowings:
you're erotic, my love ? but erratic.
"
"""cellar-door ?  a most beautiful word!""
poe, d. parker and darko concurred.
it's a portal to gloom,
or a portent of doom,
but ""most beautiful""? nope, that's absurd.
"
"of forms signed and sealed he's a votary.
he's a stickler for rules; so's his coterie.
in the shower he sings,
""keep your princes and kings,
i'm the second ass. dep. prothonotary!""
"
"q: whose school (here's a hint: pre-socratic)
proclaimed: ""all is one"" (yes: emphatic);
""eschew senses; use sense""?
you don't know? in suspense?
a: parmenides' (school: eleatic).
"
"azaria's gone! theories various
abound.  titillation vicarious
is fanned by the media
(our needs make them greedier).
lindy's threatened by forces nefarious.
"
"for illegally swimming, your trial
in cairo's proceeding. but while
""not guilty"" you swore,
seven witnesses saw.
evidently, you're deep in denial.
"
"""efform is more formal.  don't scoff.
i prefer it"", affected the toff.
""i just like the effect.""
""i'll just be, prof, direct ?
the verb form now's the norm, so ef off.""
"
"hero poets (the optimists) flourished,
all opulent, sleek and well-nourished.
in the gloom, out of work,
we (the doomed) poets lurk
we're ? we never can rhyme ? disencouraged.
"
"motto all but forgotten and gone,
white on red, with a crown set upon;
quintessentially british
(not skittish, not quittish) ?
""keep calm and,"" it says, ""carry on"".
"
"the cluniac order (from cluny),
once mighty, is now rather puny.
benedictines monastic,
their singing's fantastic,
recalling to mind carla bruni.
"
"raise your voices in praise of ear candy ?
diluted sweet froth, like a shandy.
it's lollipop music,
(don't say it makes you sick!)
strauss (johann and son) to shaw (sandie).
"
"cupriferous means ""bearing copper"":
an axe from the bronze age (a chopper);
the balls (second class)
on a monkey of brass
which fell off due to cold (how improper).
"
"keep your night cricket: damn your white faux balls!
give me five days of play, spinning slow balls.
test cricket at lord's?
it uplifts, it rewards,
it ennobles. yes, even the no balls.
"
"my piglet, one day, with a snuffle,
unearthed no mere trifle: a truffle ?
a fruiting, humungous,
white earth-ball. this fungus
caused fun, fuss and frightful kerfuffle.
"
"big ben watches while bobbies patrol
where the ranks of swank bank gents all stroll.
the embankment now hems in
the flanks of the thames in
old haunts of toad, ratty and mole.
"
"""you have promised in peace and in strife,
to be conjugants jointly, for life.
you have each vowed 'i do'.
i pronounce you my new,""
said the cell(ebrant), ""gamete and wife"".
"
"when impeaching a witness, there's one
rule of practice which counsel shan't shun.
put your case in advance
so he gets a fair chance
to refute it: i cite browne v dunn.
"
"""greetings, grebe.  i've been told, you're called 'eared'.
surely all fowl have ears, though?"" he sneered.
""i'm named 'eared' for each tuft
on my head.""  ""i'll be stuffed.
you're a talking eared grebe? (that is weird.)""
"
"is copehan danish? no way!
it's a tongue. california, i say,
is the state where 'twas spoke,
but in english those folk
can get danish now (in a caf?).
"
"""there's no hole in the bucket, dear millie.""
""then drill it, dear billy, dear billy.""
""the cord is too short.""
""dearie,"" (millie's retort)
""go and fetch an extension cord, silly.""
"
"it encircles my mansion immense.
it stands strong despite windstorms intense,
keeping out things upsetting ?
my chain-link wire netting,
electrified, steel cyclone fence.
"
"gotcha! (grab) ""british bulldog"" (hold) ""one!""
(tackle) ""two!"" (stop him) ""three!"" yes, i've won!
now let's chase down the rest.
left to last's bill (he's best).
there's the bell. well, our playtime was fun.
"
"clement wedded his gut-dwelling eelworm.
each day he would say, ""how d'you feel, worm,
my nematode wife?""
(to clem it owed life.)
""i'm here for you, babe. i'm your meal, worm.""
"
"dispaupered ? means now, i'm not poor;
i'm not court-fee exempt, as before;
no concessions on trains;
no free pills for my pains.
so with less, i enjoyed so much more.
"
"he exudes self-importance for sure,
for it oozes, nay, pours from each pore.
he's convinced he's so big,
but in truth he's a pig:
he's a boar. he's a boor. he's a bore.
"
"rise up masses! defeat your proclivity
to sit, each alone, in passivity.
?el pueblo unido,
jam?s s'r? vencido!
together, we're one collectivity.
"
"'em two jumped me, and (bang!) double-banked me.
'em two bumped me and thumped me and spanked me.
'em two took all i had,
but it weren't all that bad,
'cos before takin' off, 'em two thanked me.
"
"we've a duty of care to the frail.
thus a ginger beer bottle, a snail
and may donoghue (pauper)
dis-torted law's torpor.
lord atkin (""they're neighbours""), all hail!
"
"enfranchise me, now! let me vote!
it's my citizen's right, and i quote:
""the equality..."" eh?
i'm too young, did you say?
i'll be twelve come next may, you old goat.
"
"dear sir,
????????????????it is time for your bod
to be left by your soul, you poor sod.
you're a mere mortal, man,
and have lived your life's span.
i remain,
???????????????yours eternally,
??????????????????????????????????????????god.
"
"if aroused, then a mob in its fury'll
punish you. that's extra-curial.
it'll feather and tar,
and cause hurt that will scar,
worse by far than a judge and a jury'll.
"
"dystoposthesia: feeling dis-placed,
i can't sleep, am a-loft, so de-based.
i'm dis-eased, and i roam,
but at last, ""i've gone home"".
no dis-grace. life is lived, death is faced.
"
"i am errabund, hard to predict,
as my pattern and purpose aren't strict.
i am often in strife.
on my checklist of life,
erratic's the box that is ticked.
"
"make it up as you're going along,
when performing a play or a song.
you can't memorize, baby?
extemporize!  maybe...
by way of example, i have no idea what the last line of this limerick is supposed to be, but i'm sure it will sound fine if i just say the first thing that comes into my head.
"
"you've an equity case? it will clog,
like bleak jarndyce, cocooned in its quag,
where the stern lord high chancellor
(hope's withered canceller)
sits at the heart of the fog.
"
"it's a goal ? scores draw level! sublime,
these two sides, each with pride, in their prime.
whistle! full time is up.
this tie's tight, for the cup ?
tired, tied, still they'll vie: extra time.
"
"of amenities here, there's a dearth ?
flashy neon, but nothing of worth.
potholed asphalt and slums,
filthy streets full of bums ?
it's the arsehole, i'd say, of the earth.
"
"he was brave, he was haughty. no bolder man
held court in the county, no colder man.
(see his lip ? watch it curl.)
though today we'd say ""earl"",
anglo-saxon folk called him an ""ealdorman"".
"
"olive oyl, she's the best, that's my goil.
she has zest, smells more pure than a boy'll.
she stays cool when she's pressed,
and unspoiled. yes, you guessed:
extra virgin ? and that's the good oil.
"
"""judge says laws may be broken!"" initially,
we thought that he'd spoken officially.
turned out not so seditious ?
he's just injudicious,
off the bench, speaking extrajudicially.
"
"""i don't wish to sound rude or abrupt,""
(to the crater we'd climbed; there we'd supped)
""but i feel we should go.
there's some rumbling below,
and i sense ? oh my god she's erupt...""
"
"esperantists aspire that their gab'll
unite this rebellious world's rabble.
cease cant! sing a canto!
don't rant! esperanto
will bring down the babel of babble.
"
"digitately, when i demurred,
sir john gestured. so here's what occurred:
without pausing to linger,
he raised his third finger
and lazily flipped me the bird.
"
"""is crocose when two or a few crows,
cause ruckus?"" crowed ronald. ""so, who knows?""
that is just hocus-pocus.
you're naff, ron. please focus!
it's saffron (from crocus) based glucose.
"
"enterprisingness, i can advise,
is a synonym, no-one denies,
for enterprise. ingness
is surplus, lacks thing-ness ?
it's useless (no enterprise), guys.
"
"an edder's a strap, not of leather,
but wood that is bent, as a tether,
when meadows need hedging,
by weaving and wedging,
to bind the top edging together.
"
"the defectionist urged my betrayal.
""the grass, i can say without fail,
is greener this side.
come on over,"" he cried,
but he lied. (having tried, i'm in gaol.)
"
"my daughter's shacked up with a chappie
who stinks, and he beats her.  he's crappy.
my son shot some schmo,
so he's on, like, death row.
me? whatever, as long as they're happy.
"
"""i can feel how it's growing (don't fidget).
it's enlarged. we can test with this widget,
a sharp little tool
which is really quite cool?""
""if you say so. just take out your digit!""
"
"i recite, as a reptile custodian
who fancies himself a prosodian,
but my verses all smell,
so back into their shell
go my turtles (them being elodian).
"
"ooh, i love a nice cuppa, don't you?
the kettle's on, lovely lan-choo.
get the weight off your feet;
take a pew. what a treat!
now let's chat while i make us a brew.
"
"could ya spare me a bob for a brew?
i'd be mighty obliged if ya do.
i got nowheres to go,
and i've done all me dough,
'cos i'm down to me last brass razoo.
"
"to be/not to be? that's the nub
of a chat i once had down tom's pub.
bruce, my great aussie mate,
said, ""i hate this debate.
be content and just order some grub!""
"
"ecotourism guys are so real;
they're keen about green. here's the deal ?
you all camp neath the stars
and eat neat health food bars
for nine hundred a night.  it's a steal.
"
"come on bro, strike a pose with our yoga.
when in rome, touch your toes in a toga.
when in delhi, a dhoti.
now stretch, you coyote!
want bromance? try brotox, do broga.
"
"the iconic australian crane
flies the flag for our tourist campaign.
the territory's brolgas
are famed, like the olgas,
the rock, crocs and ghan (that's a train).
"
"enliven, it's said, means ""make sprightly"" ?
a smile lights a dull day up brightly.
think (life of the party,
her laughter so hearty)
capote's miss holly golightly.
"
"the great master unmasks all the hearts of
his cast in his last book.  some parts of
this epic i've read?
i know dad winds up dead
in the brothers (they fought) karamazov.
"
"""stolen goods? mate, you're nicked,"" christie hissed. he,
though, gave the wrong charge (tricky, twisty).
""unlawful arrest!""
ruled their lordships, with zest.
freedom reigned, when leachinsky sued christie.
"
"i want frommer's new guide, s?o tom?
on 1,894,955 dobras a day.
(that's one hundred yank bucks;
you can rent smallish trucks
which will haul all the cash for your stay.)
"
"""she's lying and mean and refractory,
and stinks like a rotten-egg factory.
she solicits in foyers...""
go talk to your lawyers,
you slanderer. cease; you're detractory!
"
"""take me, earthling,"" she says, ""to your leader.""
she has four-foot green fangs; best we heed her.
(earthling means me or you
from the odd point of view
of a martian invader, dear reader.)
"
"cymbiform means, and i'll quote:
""being formed in the shape of a boat"".
didn't know that word, seamus?
you poor ignoramus.
well, i knew it (not that i'd gloat).
"
"we love fist-fights; they're just the right stuff for us:
no-one's too rough or too tough for us.
but look out! my sweet lord,
that guy's bearing a sword ?
he's ensiferous. now, who can suffer? us.
"
"my grievance, the cause of my grief, lee:
your chievance. i'm ruined now, chiefly
because you unlawfully
bargained. how awful, lee.
thief! that's my beef, lee, put briefly.
"
"i've been dragged to the church to be wedded.
i feel drugged. here's the moment i've dreaded ?
do you... i go numb.
take this man... no thoughts come.
to be ... i'm struck dumb, empty-headed.
"
"once, those bulldogs at bullfrogs would snarl.
now they smile, as they're pals, and they parlent.
""since 1904
we've made love, and not war:
we 'oui'. vive l'entente cordiale!""
"
"at the spy school to which i once goed,
they were lousy at grammar, but showed
me the use of berettas
and writing code letters,
tp opx j lopx ipx up fodpef.
"
"my pop thinks he's a fountain of mirth. he
jokes, ""bloke i know needs a wide berth. he
said 'oops!' we recoiled ?
his trousers he'd soiled!""
(my dad's sense of humour is earthy.)
"
"cavalierly, my miniature poodle
would disport and cavort and canoodle
with my bitch king charles spaniel.
the dog breeding manual
says who will ensue's a cavoodle.
"
"there was a young man from albania
(where it's gloomier, colder and rainier)
who got shot (tried to flee
in his zeal to be free).
thus he died from eleutheromania.
"
"you're in solitary: separate, kept firm in it.
you can wiggle and wriggle and squirm in it;
you can whinge; you can moan,
but you're each on your own?
every cell in this block is disterminate.
"
"from ammonia (yes: nh3)
take an h; add an alkyl. let's see?
if you run this routine
you'll get alkylamine.
wow, ain't chemistry grand? golly gee!
"
"times are tough, but at first they were worse.
folk ate stuff to which we'd be averse,
like that grain, bitter vetch
(just the thought makes me retch).
i dunno how they durst eat their ers.
"
"""then the loco pulled into the station.
i should mention the captain's carnation;
it was white, tinged with rose.
at the tip of his nose...""
don't go on. that's enough enarration.
"
"might an eremite dream, one dark night,
in 'is cell, by 'imself, of the sight
of young brother macdermott
in sin, as no 'ermit
should dream? surely not! (er... 'e might.)
"
"""in your lexicon, tell me?be firm?
is erm a legitimate term?""
""i must say, that depends
on the message it sends.
perhaps not, on the other hand... erm...""
"
"by posing as one of the gentry,
passing past the dull eyes of the sentry,
making all of them fools,
with his house-breaking tools,
enterprisingly, swifty gains entry.
"
"as a felon, your facing the heat meant
a judge meted out this stern treatment:
""your property's forfeit.""
that's what the law saw fit.
sheesh, it was harsh, that escheatment.
"
"buy our patented, bottled 'euphoria'
at our stores, from peru to peoria.
come on down, illinois ?
life-time guaranteed joy *
claimed a chain of cheap snake-oil emporia.
"
"""with the hue of the azure aegean,
this blue's like the sky: cerulean.""
""that's wrong. please speak truly 'n'
say it cerulean"" ?
out of their blue's penned this paean.
"
"""which weighs more, twenty pounds ? answer this ?
of light feathers, or dark chocolate (swiss)?""
at last he responded
(he'd puzzled and pondered),
""i'll guess: equiponderant, miss?""
"
"what's a sapling? a young beech or birch.
right. now, fledgling? i know, needn't search ?
it's a chick. i can't miss.
that's correct. now try this.
what's an egling? um, i'm in the lurch...
"
"my personal ensign's design:
on a background of scarlet a line
reading ""r, u, s, t,
y"" (it's all about me,
and i'm eager to flag that it's mine).
"
"said ira pat to a teeny ant,
""become feniant, and i'll be lenient.""
but it failed to adapt.
""you're inapt!"" paddy snapped,
stamping down. ""you are so disconvenient.""
"
"encyclop?dias bulging with lore
(gallimaufries of facts to explore,
alphabetically stored,
comprehensively broad)
were a staple of sales (door-to-door).
"
"""we're in strong disagreeance."" what he meant
was this: they're in strong disagreement.
the source of their sorrow?
tomorrow, he'll borrow
to cover their debt from what she spent.
"
"argentino, my dogo's no slow dog,
patagonia's get-up-and-go dog.
pet pedigreed pup,
savage wolf when riled up ?
massive mastiff, great white, hunter, show-dog.
"
"on the face of this film, but a wrinkle,
no star, she won't shine twinkle, twinkle.
but this extra is keen,
in her scene on the screen,
to be seen wearing diamonds and minkle.
"
"i am starving. do not me enfamish!
bring me platters of meat (beef- or lambish),
and freshwater clams
and a mishmash of jams
and some spam, all crammed into a sammich.
"
"lipstick's failed; cheeks have paled; where's her reddener?
it's time she retyred: no more tread 'n 'er.
though her love (""hello possums!"")
still burns, glad-ly blossoms,
it's curtains, now. bow out, dame edna.
"
"""blinky bill not a dinky-di bear""
blared the headlines (men fainted, i swear).
our marsupial aussie,
unbared (in his cossie),
was a bear-faced bare liar. beware!
"
"my coolgardie safe works, though it's crude,
and its use now by most is eschewed.
made of meshing and hessian,
it keeps my meat fresh in
the cool, guarding safely my food.
"
"""sonny's ever so clever, you know,
and he's ever so cute. in a show
he would win, i declare.
his hair's ever so fair.""
she was always my mum ? ever so.
"
"miss evangeline (sigh) bellefontaine
hexametrically searches in vain
for acadian gabe.
(he's her beau. what a babe!)
then he dies in her arms. (what a pain.)
"
"""he drank cumene."" ? ""good lord, do you mean
that benzene stuff? talk about keen!""
""it's toxic, but colourless.
his eyes went all dull, alas...""
""so that's why he hasn't been seen.""
"
"the ambassador's here? at the door?
i'm embarrassed (my speech is so poor).
""very honoured"" [clears phlegm],
""i am... erm... uh... ahem...
um, embassador (oops!)... i mean, your...""
"
"as the outfitter said to the farmer
(off to battle, out shopping for armour),
""why not try, sir, this cheeky,
chic, not at all creaky,
cute demisuit? my, what a charmer.""
"
"jump higher, run faster, hit harder!
to do so, she doped, so they barred 'er.
how's she feeling, caught cheating?
who ruled ""no competing""?
she's sadder. decider: asada.
"
"hear the consort this silvery morn
play a concert that's mournful, forlorn.
their breed's oboeish. slowish,
they're reedy and lowish?
cromornes (they're like shawms) in the dawn.
"
"my ex ante (""before the event"")
estimation is, as you have lent
to your uncle's first wife
(who is deeply in strife),
you are likely to lose every cent...
"
"exampleless meant ""unexampled"":
in harems, a virgin unsampled;
any thing without mass;
after elephants, grass
that the rampaging herd left untrampled.
"
"the extenuating circumstances: fright;
self-defence (in excess) in a fight;
never done it before;
was provoked; and what's more,
led astray (the defendant's not bright).
"
"well, the etmosphere's simply electric
here at jo'burg ? old tom's on a het-trick.
it's tense, this test cricket.
ken he get his third wicket?
well, i think he ken. want to bet, rick?
"
"by the way is a phrase which you may
use to raise a small raise in your pay.
start by piling on praise
(that's the soften-up phase).
when his eyes start to glaze, make your play...
"
"down the straight, this black caviar's hot!
she strides to the front, round the lot.
raise a toast: they're all toast
as she coasts past the post
at a trot, twenty-five on the trot!
"
"mr enterprising. yessir, that's me!
opportunity knocks? there i'll be,
fleecing suckers who'll pay
(keeps the bailiffs at bay),
and the best thing in life? why, my fee.
"
"eurasiatio means, so says noah,
""of europe-and-asia"", although a
sore point problematic
arises: it's ""-atic"",
not ""-atio"". noah, no goer!
"
"""for far greater detersiveness (power
of cleansing), use shine in your shower!""
that slogan's pathetic.
try this. it's poetic
and terse?""wow! now shine's even wower!""
"
"what's desmography? this: dissertation
on ligaments. here's a summation:
""they're something like sinews.""
the essay continues:
""a kind of bone-bone hyphenation.""
"
"since our alehouse ran dry, we've endured
a beer drought. if only our brewer'd
resume his delivery
of (now, i feel shivery!)
glorious, grand, amber fluid.
"
"extradictionary means in reality,
not book-learnt: a lived actuality.
it does not mean one more
tome to add to the store
of my dictionaries (ten, in totality).
"
"spread the word! stick it up on a hoarding, too.
you know, it is warmly rewarding to
go forth and define
this old term (newly mine) ?
it's emforth, which, it's said, means ""according to"".
"
"man bites dog! famous pop princess dies!
opponents say president lies!
global warming 'not fact'!
clich?d paper boy sacked!
""extra! read all about it!"" he cries.
"
"in the deed's an annexure. take heed!
""scheduled extras (excluded)"". you read
these expenses: fees, faxes,
engrossing, stamps, taxes...
yes, extras are extra, indeed.
"
"at the methodist church show in bedford,
our lad (he's a right robert redford)
fluffed the lines of his verse
and, to make matters worse,
farted twice, at our local eisteddfod.
"
"alkyl halides are halogens linked
to an alkane.  that's that. how succinct.
they include cfcs.
had we not reduced these,
life on earth as we know it: extinct?
"
"doc, say what? you are planning to jam
your right ring finger where? no way, ma'am.
there's a place (i could say
but won't name) where you may
shove your digital rectal exam.
"
"patrick's crossing the paddock. here's how, pat ?
just follow the cattle-track. now, pat,
a caution ? this word:
please don't step in a turd.
on the cow pad, watch out for the cow pat.
"
"sampling alkenone gives me great pleasure.
it's a paleotemperature measure!
what's produced by plant plankton
is an index i've banked on ?
climatology's best buried treasure.
"
"on the door, penned with true erudition ?
""provision of service remission:
as ahab to moby,
so i am to goby.
back monday."" translation: gone fishin'.
"
"the cincinnus (scorpioid cyme)
is uniparous: one at a time,
flowers sprout from each fork
of a zigzagging stalk,
curling back on themselves as they climb.
"
"in the saddle i'm flying; i'm gliding.
i'm astride my white steed; we are striding.
full gallop, equestrian!
(walking's pedestrian.)
all hail equitation ? fine riding.
"
"a believer they say you are, mister,
with life-goals of lustre and glister.
good for you. as for me,
let it go. leave me be.
hopes and dreams? nah, i'm just an exister.
"
"what is it? a misshapen chook, who
is perched in my fig-tree? just look, ooh!
a double-eyed cyclops,
the parasite scythrops
(that's ""sullen-faced"") channel-billed cuckoo.
"
"g & s? not for her the mikado
(all frivolous wit and bravado).
for saudade she longs.
sing her love-gone-wrong songs?
she's a fado aficionado.
"
"says his lordship, ""more haste, but less speed.
down in london's the brief that i need.""
""so, m'lud,"" says the pup,
keen to help, ""fax it up.""
""yes, it does. nonetheless, let's proceed.""
"
"it's exhilarating staying alive
when great peril you somehow survive,
or the limerick thrill
when you've ink-dipped your quill
and you chime the right rhyme for line five.
"
"dodecandria's fancy-pants namin's
for stuff in the garden with stamens
from twelve up to twenty.
say what? nineteen's plenty?
all ""plants"", anyways, to us laymans.
"
"""sir, you've come to eat, drink and be merry.
an aperitif, first?"" ""yes, a sherry.""
""that's no trouble at all,
but down under we call
it an apera."" ""silly!"" ""sir, very.""
"
"need a keen etymologer? me!
true root meanings i seek out, eg:
add to word (in greek, logos),
etumos (not bogus) ?
hey, presto! (now please pay my fee.)
"
"as the gentleman said to the waif,
""out all night on the streets is unsafe.
why not come home with me,
and i'll rub you?"".  said she,
""up the wrong way, you perv, and enchafe.""
"
"""no such word"", she had marked against ""creditress""
on the draft of ""in debt, man"", his fed address.
in his speech at the bank
(the reserve) will he thank
and express a man's debt to his editress?
"
"he'd told her he wanted to sketch her.
""why not come up and see (i'm an etcher)
my etchings,"" he'd said,
as he led her to bed.
""now undress. yes!"" (the dirty old lecher.)
"
"a mob runs out the door at full speed.
(a mad shriek had set off a stampede?
a mouse squeaked at some dame
and mass exodus came.)
will chaos ensue? guaranteed.
"
"smoky candles, bowed heads, voce sotto:
may this gift, lord, bring luck in the lotto.
flowers, sweetmeats and photos,
milagros (ex votos)
of brass and of tin... in the grotto.
"
"my only concern's to protect ya weight
(you're obese). i know what (i have checked) you ate.
i've looked in ya larder ?
it's bare. please try harder.
(this rhyme's tough to produce: to effectuate).
"
"seen with ed, a gamine, just fourteen?
that's 'n image, i 'magine, obscene.
is my mea(n)ing unclear?
soldier, join in game here!
what's that thing elgar wrote, gi, mean?
"
"talking smooth, looking trim, nipped and tucked,
fielding questions (the tough ones he's ducked),
till one evening, when he
right on prime-time tv
drops the f-bomb. man, auto-destruct!
"
"second: exodus. slaves persevered,
wanting out, but old pharaoh just sneered.
so their bro (call him mo)
goes like, ""yo! let us go!""
after that, it all gets kind of weird.
"
"hail to aquitaine's eleanor, queen
from the tender young age of fifteen.
dealt four kings in her hand
(elle, well played), her reign spanned
france and england, supreme and serene.
"
"""let him have it, chris!"" this fatal cry
meant for bentley, so young, death was nigh.
""quit!"" or ""shoot!""?  here's the sting:
on these words, all would swing.
despite doubt, they still strung him up high.
"
"transubstantiation, it's true, has its backers,
but i am amongst its attackers.
this doctrine's a dud:
they say wine's really blood?
and the wafers? flesh! bud, they're all crackers.
"
"you know, ganja can make you go ga-ga,
fly high to the land that is la-la,
where, off with the fairies,
reality varies,
so, daddy, don't deal me no dadah.
"
"i knew a french newt who was gay.
as an effet, he wasn't that way.
to be fey was his pref; it
would take a great effort
to not be effete ? en effet.
"
"the emblements, e.g. the beans
sowed by tenants, are theirs, like the greens,
hops and crops that they grow;
and this rule, years ago,
thus (semble) meant increase of means.

all planting you'd soon put a freeze on,
if your work could be lost without reason,
but emblements stop
heirs from losing the crop
should the life-tenant die in midseason.
"
"no, my gal, you don't fly your own jet,
and no shih-tzu is yours for a pet.
it's hard farmwork all day,
rain or shine, come what may.
then we roll in the hay, farmerette.
"
"half-woman, half-serpent, horrifically,
echidna was mom to, specifically:
hydra, gorgon, the sphinx
and to scylla. methinks
this is silly (at least, scientifically).
"
"you look sad. should we call you a sobfish?
all mouth and all ""nose"": gob- or knobfish?
for too long you've been down
under. now though, renown?
crowned ""world's ugliest"". frown no more, blobfish!
"
"she's embellished her little brass camel. (a
dec'rative artist, is pamela.)
come on, babe, make my day,
with your cool cloisonn?.
i'm enamoured of pam, my enameller.
"
"with his little dutch digit, the digue
is now plugged. says the boy (his heart's bigue),
""i may stay here a week,
but i must stop this leak.""
you poor fool, use a tool (say, a twigue).
"
"why's the poo down our loos getting stuck?
there's a mass of unspeakable muck
in the sewer, concealed ?
a fatberg congealed,
and as big as a bus, buster! yuck.
"
"ecclesiastically costumed (although,
i'd prefer not to put on a show,
and dress simply, in grey),
i'll make a display:
a red cope trimmed with fur (yes, it's faux).
"
"just a term of ten years? no, too temp'ary.
take berlin and then take, tout de m?me, paris.
i'll make them all cower,
and seize total power ?
ja! absolute, permanent empery.
"
"you're my virtual postman, my he-male.
i love turning you on. i'm your female.
you're always available,
instantly mailable.
yes! electronic (that's e)mail.
"
"so, alkalizate here is defined
""to alkalizate"". boy, what a bind!
(in this, our anthology,
such a tautology
gets an apology, mind.)
"
"my emgalla's a champ, i aver.
she's gallant. she's nobody's cur.
my south african warthog's
(win/loss ten-to-naught-hog)'s
named galahad gal (she's no sir).
"
"i've got sackcloth (by prada) and ash on,
strapped my rhinestone-tipped lagerfeld lash on.
my hair-shirt's design
is the new calvin klein.
feel my pain ? expiation-chic fashion.
"
"""an espresso ristretto, barista!""
""say what? doncha speak english, mister?""
""madam, i'll have you know,
it's a short short black joe.
oh, forget it! a coke to go, sister.""
"
"here's the sad case of bolton v stone ?
from a six hit, poor bessie's knocked prone.
there had ne'er been a higher ball.
club's sued: found not liable
(risk too remote; breach not shown).
"
"i'll never say ""-al"". i'm fanatical!
i'm -alphobic. i'm anti-alatical.
there's no doubt that damn particle
is a foul, putrid article.
(i'm afraid now i'm sounding dogmatical.)
"
"a grim sex scandal, shocking but true ?
two electric eels lived in a zoo.
when jen said to john,
""darling, you turn me on,""
he did. now he's dead (the sparks flew).
"
"a word's typable? then it is keyable.
sayable? so, enunciable.
""but wait,"" says the constable,
""ain't it enunciable?""
yes, you're correct. (i'm agreeable.)
"
"so this poem is all about feet.
we have three lines with three (ain't that neat).
final score: triple tripody
plus double dipody!
limericks, where two metres meet.
"
"write an epopee titled  ""on pee"" ?
a poetic pee epic. who, me?
an heroic oration
about urination?
suppose i might try (for a fee).
"
"see paris, they say, and then die,
but what is the why of dubai,
where the dinar is king?
duty-free piles of bling
(in dubai, dude, you buy) crowd the sky.
"
"in collins v wilcock, the court
found mere touching a trespass and tort.
""one's body's inviolate"",
goff ruled at trial. it
led to ""not guilty"", in short.
"
"""if the panzers start rolling through kansas"",
we anzacs ask, ""who then commands us?
when your homeland's attacked,
how's it function, our pact?""
two good questions, both looking for anzus.
"
"eviternity: time that is vast; in
fact endless, at least in the past. in
the present, i've read,
this old word's wound up dead,
so it is and is not everlastin'.
"
"he's anaemic and lean, skin and bone.
""i am mean, so don't ask"" is his tone.
no point flashing a dagger
for cash at mick jagger:
one cannot get blood from a stone.
"
"with two to three dozen from sparta,
i've joined up to fight, by this charter:
we swore, each in comity,
to die for enomoty.
enormity dawns... me, a martyr?
"
"though in fact i know naught of its source,
the effect of the ""ef"" is of course,
in efforce, only formal,
so force is more normal?
less effort to form it, more force.
"
"ethyl (c2h5, once ethule),
with hydroxyl forms alcohol you'll
swig down happily (ethanol).
don't drink, though, methanol
(toxic: used mainly as fuel).
"
"""horseless carriage? no, dangerous haste!
it's a fad. it won't last. in poor taste.
so-called autocar, what?
never heard so much rot!""
he was wrong, but the word went to waste.
"
"in my pjs and nightcap i channel
the pope, in my vestments of flannel.
i fantasise blaring
of trumpets and wearing
alb, falda and fanon (or fannel).
"
"""your charmat's just 'shampagne'.  what a shame!""
claims the veuve clicquot clique, quick to blame.
but, fermented in tanks,
ours is cheaper. give thanks:
they're both bubblies, so what's in a name?
"
"what a scoundrel he was, my creator.
yes, pa was a charlatan traitor,
a swindler and scammer
who died in the slammer.
my fate? er, like pater?a faitor.
"
"the verb ecchymose means blood suffuses
'neath skin, causing black and blue hues. is
it used? no, not massively,
other than passively?
ecchymosed: coming up bruises.
"
"handy hint number eighty: enhance
an old pair of quite badly stained pants
just by adding a sporran
(it's different! it's foreign!).
you're set for a night of romance.
"
"because in the barn all the vermin ate
our seed-corn before it could germinate,
next year we'll have built
(each bin sealed so none's spilt)
a silo row, which we'll disterminate.
"
"there are many renowned for their kenning,
their wisdom, wit, judgment and penning;
but the first among peers
for one hundred (yes!) years,
beyond reasonable doubt, was lord denning.
"
"""let us, gentlemen,"" (scalpel poised) ""start
with the name of each cardiac part.
anatomical gentry calls
auricles/ventricles'
centre point"" (thrusts) ""crux of heart.""
"
"i'm a mere chemoheterotroph.
""can't fix carbon, ha!"" i hear you scoff.
to survive i rely
on reactions nearby
from, say, sulphur (i make it smell off).
"
"aetites can ease childbirth pain.
to ensure you don't labour in vain,
strap it onto your arm:
it will work like a charm.
it's best taken with salt (just a grain).
"
"does this word start with 'i' (as i think) or 'e'?""
the yank asked the brit. ""that's my inquiry""?
""either spell it with 'i' or 'e';
say, though, 'enquiry'
(not that i'd kick up a stinkery).""
"
"a pharaoh with tastes anthropophagous
got his daughter stuck down his esophagus.
this was too much to swallow.
did dead daddy follow?
he's mummy now (see his sarcophagus).
"
"makin' salsa? this here's how i ""salsify""
(i'll tell you the truth, i won't falsify) ?
take tomatoes, oil, chilli.
pound and blend, willy-nilly.
my secret to salsa: emulsify.
"
"though not easy to say without teeth,
it was easy to understand eath.
it meant ""easy"", i said,
but this word is now dead,
so this verse is instead of a wreath.
"
"to give clients who seek his advice ease,
the astrologer, forecasting crises,
charts each orb as it goes:
when its influence grows;
where, say, venus is exaltate (pisces).
"
"ever onwards, we'll colonise mars.
ad astra (let's reach for the stars)!
welcome cyborgs, they're next to be,
ordered by extropy.
but for now chaos reigns, and it jars.
"
"piccadilly: unchained, what a sight!
an escritoire (as in ""to scrite"").
inside: ponk, all contorted.
is grytpype-thynne thwarted?
on a raven and it, poe did write.
"
"this here alkalinization is what
will occur when the ph was not
very high, but gets raised
up to eight, lord be praised.
(basic chemistry's all that i got.)
"
"on the street, hear my schtick, a rare spiel:
""bud, you look like you need a square meal.
toss a coin, and i'll choose?
heads i win, tails you lose.""
yep, there's mugs who think that's a fair deal.
"
"the explorator crossed the equator,
exploring in africa. later,
she brought home a croc,
newly hatched, in her frock.
her pet gator was fun (till it ate her).
"
"three-beat dactylet scans 'xactly dactylly.
that's (metrically) ""dum-diddy"", actually.
though attractively, dactylet's
practically fractal, it's
barely a word, speaking factually.
"
"i am carving (in cork) beaut cute new toes,
for my dolly who's missing a few toes.
in cork, by the way,
i can say, if i may,
is a cellulose substance called cutose.
"
"you're a doppelzentner? two quintals (one,
if your quintal's a modern one, son);
'round one hundred kg.
weigh too much? i agree:
you're a tenth of a metrical ton!
"
"""marty, cytoid's 'resembling a cell'.""
""like a chamber that's locked, where you dwell?""
""no."" ""a phone small and smart?""
""no."" ""a terror net part?""
""no, a corpuscle, martin."" ""oh, well.""
"
"from the bible, i have this belief: a
dry measure, the omer's a sheaf.  a
mule-load's a homer
(that's one hundred omer).
ten omer: a basket, an ephah.
"
"of my first day at school i'd long dreamt,
but i soon suffered scorn and contempt.
they said with despiciency,
""utter deficiency?
slovenly cur, you're unkempt!""
"
"when you finish hard rock, you won't gloat, ox.
when you're wrinkled, your fans will not dote, ox.
dear lordi, still worse'll
it get. but reversal
is possible: why not try brotox?
"
"poison (cyanide)? here's what to do.
give this antidote: methylene blue.
no need for disrobin':
cyanmethemoglobin
will form; it's a nontoxic brew.
"
"will's a fawkner, who ain't one to squawk:
when his missile homes in, he don't baulk.
with gloved fist, on his balcon
he stands, as his falcon
alights, eyes aglint like a hawk.
"
"they're in line for the lobster with brie,
but a lass says, ""alas, not for me.""
the poor girl's anorexic,
moreover, dyslexic,
and thus forms a queue for a pea.
"
"dunite's dug from mount dun, which is one
of the mountains it's found on, but none
of the others at all
has a name i recall.
(i'm a dummy, when all's said. and dun.)
"
"given seven sins, son, sans contrition,
you've no hope in all hell of remission.
there's greed, gluttony, sloth,
pride, lust, envy and wrath:
damnability ? road to perdition.
"
"my maternal e-manual?'s a model ?
""first coddle; now gently unswaddle;
then carefully bathe;
next, in towels enswathe;
throw out water with babe."" (it's a doddle.)
"
"a grass that, alas, sows kerfuffle;
or in cape town, to help quell a scuffle,
a blast-proof light truck;
or a beast; or a duck;
are you baffled? that, too ? buffel/buffle.
"
"my client exemplifies why
you should show him some mercy. this guy
was a model to all
whom he met, till last fall
when he hijacked that plane. (he was high.)
"
"""private grooming is part of your prep, paulette.""
the colonel said, ""stand on this step, paulette.
be bolder"", he told 'er,
""and fondle my shoulder;
it's decked with a fancy fringed epaulette.""
"
"today, chemistry class, alkanethiol?
it's a compound composed in this style:
an alkane admits
sulphur/hydrogen bits.
with its -sh it is silent, but vile.
"
"you want basque liberation? i'll pass, una.
your ""homeland and freedom""? a farce, una.
we won't all be better
by fighting for eta,
so, fooey, euskadi ta askatasuna.
"
"gertrude's gross, of great girth. she ain't pert.
how on earth should she fasten her skirt?
would an eighty inch girdle
gird gert for this hurdle?
engirting poor gertie could hurt.
"
"the foetus is born; birth's complete.
having laboured all night, she's dead beat.
into sleep now she sinks;
sweet dreams beckon. she thinks,
""i can't bear any more. i'm effete.""
"
"my antique, rather costly brass cornet
has valves, and engravings adorn it.
do cornopeans, though,
pay the landlady? no.
so, blow it, i might as well pawn it.
"
"""puff our smoke ball, carbolic. don't sneeze
with the flu ? hundred pounds guarantees!""
was the company's ""puff"".
carlill, ill, called their bluff
and the court said, ""you'll pay for that wheeze!""
"
"i am sick of your smartass dumb askin'.
i'm so over you, bro', with your sass, kin.
with my syrian sword
etched with gold, you'll be gored ?
my steel damaskin up your damn ass, kin.
"
"barging into our eatery, teas r us,
she declared she'd seize either our keys or us.
our defence could not fail if
this bitch (not a bailiff)
distrained what remained. the disseizoress!
"
"foreign, weird-looking phrase (too much french in it):
il n'y a pas de quoi. put a wrench in it!
i move that we banish
it. just make it vanish.
when thanked, say, ""it's nothing. don't mention it.""
"
"brachylogia?speech that is terse,
like after pop's op when the nurse,
being asked by his wife
how he'd fared 'neath the knife,
said, ""i'm busy. not great. get a hearse"".
"
"just as texting supplanted the telegram,
the eidograph's old parallelogram
to xerox gave way
(copies great shades of grey).
next, will perfume make way for the smell-o-gram?
"
"she advances her pawn, slyly smiling
(her cheeks flecked with red, quite beguiling),
exposing my king
to her queen. there's the sting:
it's discovered check. (chess can be riling.)
"
"i'd a smooth undisrupted complexion
'til acne erupted. inspection:
i'm rough, pocked by craters.
it's tough, mocked by baiters.
my face, interrupted ? rejection!
"
"""this cane beetle plague is a bane,
so let's bring in the toads"", said some brain.
cane toads came... and exploded.
now wildlife's eroded.
and cane beetles? still chewing cane.
"
"a paper-size, none would deny,
is a meaning ascribed to demy.
it is also a vest
or a coin, but the best
is a magdalen half-scholarship guy.
"
"""delitigation!"" means what? a man's call
to drop lawsuits? no, not that at all.
it refers to a hiding
he's copping; a ""chiding""
(to use webster's words) or a ""brawl"".
"
"got a grudge. that my foe wouldn't budge meant
i sued. that the judge likes to bludge meant
""decision reserved"".
there's no justice been served?
twelve months gone, still no entry of judgment.
"
"so those pills made your tum feel unsteady, son?
a corrigent's what, for your medicine,
we'll add to the mixture,
and soon have you fixed. your
prescription will shortly be ready, son.
"
"there's an islet that lies in the nile. it
was a getaway home for a while. it
was a pasha's retreat
to escape from the heat
while he wiled away time in his eyalet.
"
"to have esperance means to have hope,
which we need when we feel we can't cope,
at the end of our tether
and wondering whether
we'll cling or (gulp) swing from a rope.
"
"when to make an appearance you fail,
the judge will estreat all your bail.
it implied once, in fact,
from the record, extract.
""order warrant to issue."" (now, gaol.)
"
"you must expedite this, so fast-track it.
dispatch it by swift express packet.
dispense with delay.
make it snappy, i say.
cut red tape. take your whip, boy, and crack it.
"
"if by fifteen whole tones you are raisin'
a note, that's a disdiapason.
up an octave, and then
up an octave again.
there on high, praise the lord. grace, amazin'!
"
"an eventuality's something that may
or may not, at the end of the day,
come to pass. i'm surmisin'
it's on the horizon.
how likely, i can't really say.
"
"he ensorcels us?now we're resourceless.
when he casts evil spells, we're recourseless.
his magical work'll
cause flames to encircle.
this sorcerer's force is remorseless.
"
"thomas stared in the mirror. eventually,
the stranger he saw said, ""essentially,
you're alone, and abjected.""
on life, he reflected.
""it stinks"", despaired tom, existentially.
"
"if you litter again, i accentuate,
a spell in a cell may eventuate.
as city protector,
i speak, mr lecter.
and now, let us talk of the gent you ate.
"
"unexpectedly profligate dating
progressed to promiscuous mating.
was it kurt, bart or burton?
to date, it's uncertain ?
for now she's expectantly waiting.
"
"slurring earsh (field of stubble), i stumble.
""ush"" or ""ash"", ""ersh"" or ""eersh""? what a jumble!
is it ""eersh"", like (wheat) ear,
or like earth (which it's near)?
if i'm asked, i'll ""um...uhh...er...sh"" mumble.
"
"in old york, a young jeweller, gay clem,
just adores frocking up, going fem.
how's he stick stones and pearls
on that skirt (it's a girl's)?
he (ahem) says, ""by gum, i begem"".
"
"idinsoute's an eversion, i'd say
(inside out inside out, the wrong way).
erevonsi, my surgeon
(eversion's eversion)
treats adblrsde. get it? ok!
"
"is this epinasty bad? no. in brief,
it's the sunny-side-up of a leaf
growing faster; then down
curls the leaf, like a frown.
but nasty it ain't, so no grief.
"
"frisky two or three skips, the falcade
is equestrian art of high grade?
horse rocks back on its haunches;
into space it then launches.
the rider yells ""yes!"" (the steed nayed.)
"
"those were halcyon days, on her balcon.
at horizons she'd gaze, like a falcon,
on decking projective
'neath roofing protective,
while stroking her pussy (or malkin).
"
"after harvest, there's stubble called eddish:
field of stalks, not quite dead, rather deadish.
your look's hungry and lean,
so from this you may glean,
(gaining grains) for your pains, morsels breadish.
"
"as i've got my pawns into a mess,
i can see that my queen can't progress.
behind their ranks, serried,
she's trapped. she's a buried
piece. king? he's exposed. such is chess.
"
"i got caught in a fight. wow, man?what a fight!
(when you're dissed like that, man, then you gotta fight.)
it got hot. it got horrid.
bumped the side of my forehead,
and got a large lump on my crotaphite.
"
"first ""et nunc"", then ""et semper""?words read
by the priest at the bed of the dead.
though latin is clever,
just ""now and forever""
might better be said in their stead.
"
"first, you catch a fat fish. then you kill it.
heat butter and spice in a skillet.
remove bones from the flesh.
fry a slice, nice and fresh.
got some space on your plate, son? so, fillet!
"
"there's a place where they don't give a stuff,
in which everything's done off the cuff,
where ""more or less"" rules.
it's a country of fools,
and the land of the fairy called nuff.
"
"a preacher promoting j.c.
in iran has been kidnapped. if we,
with a force expeditionary,
save this poor missionary,
will we begin world war iii?
"
"you ask, ""is he an esne or not?""
yes, a lifetime of serfdom's his lot.
he's well-suited for service.
(come, baldrick. not nervous?
stop snivelling. wipe off that snot!)
"
"you've mastered, in charlady class,
the correct way of polishing brass;
the removal of stains;
and with glass, that the pane's
other side's always cleaner. you pass!
"
"in the chorus, cast off to one side;
in the back, just along for the ride;
and left standing in hallways,
alas, i am always
a bridesmaid, but never the bride.
"
"they have coral (but haven't got polyps).
how served? seared in sauce (coupla' dollops)
on the (groovy!) half-shell
or in batter, as well.
want a wallop? then steal my escalops!
"
"how i love my akubra. (what's that?)
my dinky-di, true blue bush hat.
think stetson style (western).
the world, it's the best in.
a bonus: stops bird-poop (kersplat).
"
"bub's ebulliently jumping for joy,
which is troubling: too bubbly (a ploy?),
as poor joy is his nurse,
and his pouncing grows worse.
want a buoyant old boyo? oh, boy!
"
"the bush telegraph: one little sneeze
sets tongues wagging, like whispers chinese.
before long starts the rumour:
""i've heard it's a tumour.
he's got just a month or two."" (jeeze.)
"
"""the pope's fallible."" ""that, your belief,
is errancy, meaning, in brief,
persistence in error. see,
protestant heresy?
burn in hell, sinner!"" (good grief.)
"
"sixty-seventh ep: trekking the gem path.
man, the road to compassion's a fem path.
less wheeling and dealing,
more focus on feeling ?
show empathy, guys: be an empath.
"
"what the dickens? the question is: who'd
plot the murder so cowardly crude
of this dude in his prime?
what a fictional crime
was the mystery of dead edwin drood.
"
"extralogical means, you might think,
""very logical"", but there's a chink
in this logic. implied:
""beyond logic (outside)"".
how illogical?don't english stink!
"
"""good morning. we're aiming to settle?
we'll try?on the meaning of ettle.
we know of dissension:
there's 'earn' and 'intention',
but..."" (bloke up the back) ""and 'a nettle'!""
"
"i'll compare you to summer today.
you're both hotter (and cooler) i'd say,
and baby, the thing
is you'll always have zing,
whereas summer will soon fade away.
"
"efformation's a word for formation.
this ef-'s iffy, provokes fulmination?
you superfluous prefix!
you no-need-to-be-fix!
ef-, eff off! (expressing frustration.)
"
"the trouble is, when i converse,
i don't stick to the point. what is worse,
i don't try. i confess
that i tend to digress.
(excuse me. i love to excurse.)
"
"as for me, there could be nothing worse
than to always stay home. it's perverse
and a curse too pathetic.
i'm peripatetic.
excuse me. i love to excurse.
"
"he's a slav, but no slave; a rare bird
with an eye for the wry, the absurd;
cautious, anti-heroic,
a skeptic, a stoic;
this sketch etches czech, in a word.
"
"yellow's five; three's light green; red is two;
purple's four; white is one; nine is blue;
eight is brown; seven's black;
dark green's six. got the knack?
orange ten. count again. this i knew.
"
"it is true, you're about to find out,
that about can be shortened, no doubt.
first, for 'circa', there's c.;
for 'regarding', there's re;
and for either of those, there's abt.
"
"saw this palace whose power and glory'll
awe you: a royal memorial,
not far from madrid
on a slag-heap. a grid
for st larry. (we did the escorial.)
"
"""if a conjurator's this: a foul plotter,
who swears a group oath, the damn rotter,
would to conjurate be,
then, a verb?"" ? ""well, i see
what you mean, but e-dics say it's not a.""
"
"""mr swift, your appointment's at one,""
says the dental nurse. now for some fun?
""my tooth ain't yet hurty,
i'll wait till two thirty,""
i excruciat(ouch!)ingly pun.
"
"for conspiracy, theft and incitement,
the beak (""there's no case"") wouldn't bite. meant
i'm free! where's the keys?
(not so fast: dpp's
filed a signed ex officio indictment.)
"
"strictly speaking, districtly's distinct.
it's not strictly, although they are linked,
as they mean the same thing.
nonetheless, here's the sting:
in all districts, districtly's extinct.
"
"advanced cancer? no need for alarm.
try my yiddisheh mama's old balm:
chicken soup. yes, you should.
may not do you much good,
but at least it won't do any harm.
"
"sitting pretty, pawns all in a row,
individually filed. off we go.
if my pawn captures, i'll
have two men in one file.
trouble: doubled pawns weaken my show.
"
"though i say so with all due humility,
the old pope was not blessed with agility.
he tripped on his skirts
(falda), cursing, ""damn! hurts
to disturb papal infallibility.""
"
"i'm south. a grand slam's bid by west.
a low trump's led from dummy. i'm stressed.
i've the doubleton king
and play low. here's the sting:
the west queen takes the trick. i'm finessed.
"
"are you impotent, can't make your thing go?
try sea holly candied?eryngo.
eat roots of this thistle,
and soon your hot kiss'll
make missy undress, and then... bingo!
"
"one could pen for the grand doge a sonnet
on his head, and the things there upon it?
say, his corno; that's dogal.
(""there goes a""?some rogue'll
joke?""bloke with a corny, horned bonnet."")
"
"at the sight of my hawk soaring higher,
poor pigeons take fright, and expire.
my prize falcon-gentil
is unsentimental,
despite what they call her ? a ""cryer"".
"
"who'd sing hymns when i die? why, the choir would.
and who'd light my pyre? the friar would,
in sackcloth and sandals,
with two tallow candles
applied to a pile of pine firewood.
"
"set sail between tides. don't be late,
or a watery end lies in wait
from strong currents which gripe us.
beware the euripus!
it's dire, adrift in this strait.
"
"is there love in the internet air?
is the web where we'd wed, should we pair?
could i click and tick 'like' on
your cute little icon,
commencing a cyber affair?
"
"no cute mittens or cute baby booticles
stave off the damp for my fruiticles,
but thin coats that give maxi
protection (they're waxy)
will keep moisture in: epicuticles.
"
"i've devised my estate in fee tail,
so it goes down the line without fail
to my son and his son,
and his son and his son,
and so on (so long's there's a male).
"
"as le roi, fifteenth lou, liked to cry,
""apr?s moi, le d?luge!"", so do i.
i'm archaic, anarchic,
chaotic, pre-arkic?
an antediluvian guy.
"
"excommune, obsolete, is interred.
excommunicate now is preferred.
would i, were i pope,
soon exhume this term? nope.
throw it out! excommune this dead word.
"
"""encyst. tell me, what is its gist?""
""well, i will, if you really insist.
in your gut (it's quite simple)
a worm makes a pimple
to live in. but wait, there's a twist...""
"
"in arabia, so i have heard,
in a cinnamon nest, lived this bird.
was the cinnamologus
authentic, or bogus?
said pliny the elder: ""absurd!""
"
"to his cast the director's appealing?
""i'm begging you. look guys, i'm kneeling.""
(oh my god! on his knees!)
""i'm beseeching you. please!!
this time say it like i do, with feeling.""
"
"my black bishop is bad. does this mean
that his thoughts (or his socks) are unclean?
no, he's trapped. he is locked
in by pawns (who've been blocked),
so i'll cover my knight with my queen.
"
"to survive, you must strive, in a drought,
with a head that is hard, and heart stout,
as your stock starve and die
through that ten year long dry,
all your dreams up the spout, down to nowt.
"
"""now a single world lingo, we've won!""
(till an esperantido, a son
of the mother-tongue's born,
who in turn breeds a spawn ?
thus a tale of new babel's begun.)
"
"your employers implored you, ""restore the rate
of returns,"" but it still remained poor, the rate.
says the board, ""ceo,
we regret, you must go.
therefore you we do hereby exauthorate.""
"
"""they're exaggerated greatly,"" sam said;
""overstatements which make me see red.
mark my words, i'm unslain.
i am not cleft in twain.""
nonetheless, in due course he dropped dead.
"
"the molasses heist verdict: defeat
for the sugar-thief ('bandit of beet').
at the end of the day
he learned crime doesn't pay.
do the crime; do the time: cop it sweet.
"
"some enzymes behave allosterically,
which means (i am speaking generically)
they react, but they bond
at a site that's beyond,
i.e., chemically, somewhat chimerically.
"
"i am brutal and bad, i confess,
but my corpses are never a mess,
each left bloodless and neat,
nicely wrapped in a sheet,
toenails painted hot pink, with finesse.
"
"the bloke at my local bodega
was vague, though he could have been vaguer.
(i was selling him seed.)
""how much grain do you need?""
""coupla' bushels?about a fanega.""
"
"did an urge to expurge from expurge
its ex mean that purge would emerge?
and did purge, which came next,
cause expurge to be exed,
be expurged, purged and gone? (sound a dirge.)
"
"when pronouncing, one needs to be firm
with a sesquipedalian term,
but i mumble and mutter:
""um, erm, er"", i stutter.
(the curly word batches the erm.)
"
"i have loaded alekhine's big gun.
black is caught unawares. (this is fun.)
my two rooks and my queen
form a line, lean and mean.
bang, bang, bang! now the game's good as won.
"
"white: pawn to e4 to commence.
(that's classical, plain common sense.)
black: knight to f6.
(gosh, he's up to his tricks:
hypermodern alekhine's defence!)
"
"vex by checking, then mate?none was faster.
rex of wrecking?his ""gun"" was a blaster.
his famous defence
shows his skills were immense.
lex alekhine?a great and grand master.
"
"to his sons (as the younger ones cavilled)?
""our tenurial thread has unravelled.
in kent now the law's
not so feudal. the cause
is that gavelkind land's been disgavelled.""
"
"the cyclone is spiralling tighter.
she's a monster, a bloody great blighter.
so batten your hatches,
buy batteries and matches,
and hunker in bunkers. here's ita!
"
"take an f and an l, and then mesh
'em with e, s and h, for a fresh,
fragrant term we can greet
(by the way, it means ""meat"").
now you know how the word was made: flesh.
"
"what's a felid? a fissiped that:
little readers learn sat on a mat,
has retractable claws
sheathed in velveted paws,
roars or miaows. in a word, it's a cat.
"
"pilgrims walking to spain (santiago)
proceed less allegro, more largo
(they walk, and don't gallop).
each takes an escalop
(the wayfarer's shell) in their cargo.
"
"here's a fact: my macaque is quite chunky.
he's fat, but this bhunder's still hunky.
i could write a whole thesis
on ""h in the rhesus"",
but won't. i'll just note he's a mhonkey.
"
"she values her judgement so slightly
that she changes her mind at least nightly.
she's fickle and feckless
and risky and reckless.
she's flighty, to put it politely.
"
"existentialism riddles with doubt:
world's absurd; meaning's all up the spout.
dreary me, what is ""i""?
nothing's sure, till we die.
in the end, dismal life sputters out.
"
"on reconnaissance, you're our escout.
your mission: look out and about.
on our eta hunt, you
should escout in escout.
""sleepers basque here sir; over and out.""
"
"exossation's removal of bone
or depriving a fruit of its stone.
that is all, but i still
have to fill (which i will)
twenty-one bloody syllables (groan).
"
"spare a dime? unemployment's my lot.
wife and kids to support (that's escot),
and my mistress insists
on chanel for our trysts,
not to mention the cost of the yacht.
"
"spring has sprung, and the meadow is green.
behold now this pastoral scene?
to the ewe'd said the ram,
""wham and bam! thankee, ma'am.""
big with lamb, she's now ready to ean.
"
"now a sheep import ban is a wool bar,
and a pub on a friday's a full bar,
while the grid on the front
of my rig that can shunt
off the road beasts i hit is a bull bar.
"
"where'd our eight-year-old young'un, the loony'un,
cause embarrassment, stress and disunion
(he quaffed the whole cup,
scoffed the host and threw up,
before kicking the priest)? first communion.
"
"fall asleep at the wheel when you're making
a trip? that's a big risk you're taking.
install aeb
and doze off worry-free
with our auto emergency braking.
"
"whatever's the matter with troy?
sniffed a chair; greens affair (naughty boy).
in disgrace is troy buswell.
(at times, though, he does well.)
finale? press ""auto-destroy"".
"
"""in the coolth of the still autumn night,
they were..."" ""pardon, that doesn't sound right.
that t-h there on cool?
what's it for?"" ""you poor fool,
it's like length, width or warmth."" ""so, why height?""
"
"the cydippida zips at a clip;
its combed cilia ship with a flip.
this round jelly's equipped with
a belly that's tipped with
two tentacles: whip, grip and nip.
"
"like a punch (solar plexus) to vex us,
rhetorical jabbing injects us
with fire in the belly:
""you're romans, or jelly?
too cowed to attack?"" ? epiplexis.
"
"with your shovels, platoon, you must cram
these warm slops, down to every last gram,
in this one million litre
(each dimension ten metre)
hole: cubic hot diggity dam!
"
"she's been out for a night on the tiles;
staggers home, sees the phone, and drunk dials?
""you can keep your damned bitch,
but i'll sue, and be rich.
and your 'son'? well, here's news, hon. he's lyall's.""
"
"fairly common, a not at all rare sex,
it rankles men call us the fair sex.
to boys, fair means 'cutie'.
unfair to stress beauty!
we're fair as in 'just': the we-care sex.
"
"i'm a judge who shows judgement in bed.
i do not kiss and tell; i'm well-bred;
discreet, i sleep sweetly.
but speaking discretely,
in court i give judgments instead.
"
"you won't give a straight answer, you squibber.
you're glib, and i know of none glibber.
eyebrows raised, feigned surprise,
all those little white lies?
i will tell you the truth: you're a fibber.
"
"to couple this pair in a clinch,
offset holes by a tenth of an inch,
which you drill through the mortise
and tenon. paw taught us
to drawbore with dowels?it's a cinch!
"
"two matters concern me, they do.
there is ""this"" and there's ""that"". that is true.
first, i'd say ""this"" would matter,
and as for the latter,
for that matter, ""that"" matters too.
"
"""the next rudiment, lad, on your drum
is a grace note and tap. it's ta-dum.
daily, practice the flam
for an hour""?""yes, ma'am.""
(now the one i feel sorry for's mum.)
"
"son, your rigging is jammed; ropes sound squealy.
they'll fray. make them run fairly freely
with fairleads, by which
lines are guided: no hitch!
hook or eye ? ""sir, aye aye, sir"" ? ideally.
"
"when k. rudd said ""fair shake of the sauce
bottle"", aussies reacted, with force.
""what'll kevin say next?
he's a dork!"" (we were vexed.)
""kev, fair go. don't say 'shake'. ('suck', of course.)""
"
"to bar the fee tail on my land,
i've a common recovery planned.
though fictitious, this fine
means it's mine now, all mine,
in fee simple at last. ain't law grand!
"
"what? my fire insurance?expired?!
you numbskull. that's why you were hired:
to keep up to date
with the premiums.  too late,
as my factory's in flames (like you, fired).
"
"""mum, as bazza's nicked off to the lav,
can i have that last spoonful of pav?""
""no, fatso. moreover,
that's barry's pavlova.""
""aw, pleeeease, mum, fair suck of the sav.""
"
"their subpoena's just based on suspicion.
""on the cards""? m'lud, in our submission,
their wish that this boat
should go fishing don't float.
you should scupper this doomed expedition.
"
"what are fissipeds? mammals with feet
that are ""fissured"" (each toe is discrete).
like canidae, felidae,
ursi-, mustelidae.
all (save the pandas!) eat meat.
"
"first, these embryos, lobster-ingested,
encyst. at this stage, they've infested
host one, till some day
it gets eaten, as prey.
(tiny worms hide away, gut-sequestered.)
"
"my droitural claim's one of right:
i own it. possess it, you might,
but this land is my property.
beat it. scram. hoppity!
spike don't just bark. he can bite.
"
"""slug it out, kid!"" they box toe to toe,
then the champ lands a dirty low blow.
""kid, don't throw in the towel.
come on ref, call that foul!
are you biased or blind? ref, fair go!""
"
"once, with diamonds her crown was begemmed;
with rubies, her gowns were all hemmed.
but the king's heart has hardened:
though she's begged to be pardoned,
the axe will come down. she's condemned.
"
"c. (genius genus), you thrill us?
the gnawing raw thought that you'll kill us;
that crocodile smile;
so much death on the nile...
oh the fangs, ah the pangs, crocodylus.
"
"ethiopian jews have their bashers,
and, ""aliens out!"" cry their trashers.
others: ""that's a bad vibe.
welcome home, our lost tribe.""
are falashas, though, kosher? so, clashes.
"
"try my home-brew (my 'sea nectar')?chum,
that i squeezed with some trout in a drum.
then the liquefied fat,
i drained into a vat.
raise a glass of eliquament! (yum.)
"
"as the mayor, i endenizen men,
and today, i endenizened ten:
len, ken, ben, brendan, brad,
den, sten, ren, chen and chad?
signed-up citizens, all by my pen.
"
"she sent him a sweet, scented note.
""darling, all is forgiven"", she wrote.
""i know men will be men.
just don't do it again.""
(now she had him, he knew, by the throat.)
"
"son, your thesis is thin. to add clout,
put meat on the bones, flesh it out.
for your topic, it's vital
to pick a strong title,
like ""filleting: first catch your trout"".
"
"while they're necking (a passionate sesh),
she commences to thrash and to thresh.
when she bares her pale throat
(which we note floats his boat),
the count sinks his fangs into her flesh.
"
"she's been up to her devious teaser tricks.
they're meaner than scrooge (ebenezer) tricks.
we'll be ousted and wrecked,
as that bitch will eject
and evict us?the evil disseisitrix!
"
"these syllables ain't high or haughty.
they're silly, not knotty or naughty;
but their number's designed
so you'll find here defined
one fine word on my mind, namely forty.
"
"so you voted me off? we shall see.
the past president's me, you'd agree?
so i'm on, ex officio.
know why, young missy? oh,
look at rule 34(e).
"
"expletion brings thrills, when you're done.
it's completion. fulfillment is fun,
so i pause to enthuse?
""you big pussy, you lose!
you [expletive deleted], i've won!!""
"
"""would sir care for the dish of the day?
it's pommes frites on a grain-fed filet.""
sounds so frenchy, so chic,
haute cuisine, so to speak.
(fillet steak served with chips? you don't say.)
"
"clues regarding this deadly attack
were thin on the ground, tough to track;
but a fibre (a filament)
traced to the killer meant
this was a case they would crack.
"
"""and excyst. of this word, what's the gist?""
""to continue: this worm, to exist
in your gut (it's quite simple),
escapes from its pimple
and feeds on you. right? class dismissed.""
"
"i am wounded, profoundly. i'm downed.
i can't tell you how off i am browned.
when i googled my name
to determine my fame,
what popped up? fnf (file not found).
"
"beware of the dugite, my son.
this snake in the sand you should shun.
if you're up in gnowangerup,
don't get its anger up.
bite you? it might. you'd best run.
"
"says the nudism high pta:
""school, our annual dance is today.
de rigueur for the formal?
no clothes, as per normal,
but boys must wear neckties, ok?""
"
"i am sorry my news isn't cheerier:
you've hereditary coproporphyria.
the production of heme
in your blood, it would seem,
is impaired. too much sun. try siberia.
"
"i have ordered a precious brocade
in which flowers of gold form a braid,
but my damassin's late.
bet my damn ass it's fate
that my damask de luxe is delayed.
"
"this poor flyblown sheep, i now know,
is infested with maggots, and so
i will shear it, and drench it
and dress it. (the stench, it
is strong. how i hate eau de blow.)
"
"if you're wantin' an old-fashioned purgin',
try latex extracted from spurge (in
the latin: euphorbia,
from ? this'll absorb ya ?
cleos' son-in-law's personal surgeon).
"
"show epanodos: that is my plan,
in this thirteen-foot limerick span:
though it scans, it's a crime
if the words do not rhyme;
though they rhyme, it is vital they scan.
"
"after mass i asked, ""leftover bread
that's been blessed?chuck it out?"" brother said,
""as last sunday i showed ya,
ya numbskull, eulogia
is left so the poor can get fed.""
"
"since getting run over, my cat
has been flattish, i.e. somewhat flat.
it was rather rotund
until tuesday. a fund
will be formed for a headstone. that's that.
"
"at last comes the moment, none sweeter.
she slips off my socks. ""good god, peter,
what on earth is that stink?""
(bugger) ""darling, i think
that my feet're the source of this foetor.""
"
"""o ye merchants who cheat, trick and fleece us,
who are dripping with riches, like croesus,
atone?pay your tax!""
(use reproof to the max
to persuade. this is epitimesis.)
"
"tell us, what in the hell's up the trellis?
""my indian monkey: entellus.
this black-faced gray langur
is quick to show anger.
don't kiss on the terrace. (he's jealous.)""
"
"""beryl, tell me. how well is nell faring?""
""gone feral! her father's despairing.
she's fierce, that darn child:
nose pierced, hair gone wild.
she's ferine. and me? i'm past caring.""
"
"a cheeky boy's digital trick
was the fillip, a fingertip flick.
'gainst the ball of your thumb,
curl a finger. play dumb,
then release, and your chum gets a ""kick"".
"
"in berlin, ever-present's the past.
monumentally, memories last,
lest they're lost, cast in stone.
fathers' sins they atone,
in their house, so reflectively glassed.
"
"foreign minister flits here and there
in his jet, swift and sleek, through the air.
what he does, no-one knows;
one can only suppose
he's conducting a foreign affair.
"
"a flower girl's one who sells flowers;
or one who strews blooms beneath bowers
(wreathed in smiles a mile wide
while down aisle the knot's tied)
in the path of just married troth-vowers.
"
"in this battle we've lost, should we blame
lack of archers or spearmen? i'd claim
it's a clear (no ambivalence)
case of equivalence:
quiver/lance? both worth the same.
"
"here's to you, founding father. well done.
you funded our firm from day one.
our wealth, it was grounded
by you; and you founded
(by diddling my mum) me, your son.
"
"there's (a) ""costs""; math's ""raised power"" is (b);
(c) is ""testing""; ""pic setting"" is (d);
(e): the use-by date's past;
(f)'s ""stuff done""; and (g)'s ""fast"":
each expressed, when compressed, e-x-p.
"
"close the file, stamp for finalisation,
at last. oh, what gratification:
five long years of hard work
at an end (may i smirk?).
but what's this? ""your new file, sir.""  damnation.
"
"they both slaved their whole lives just for terrence,
and gave all they'd saved (his poor parents).
their loss was his gain,
yet they'd never complain?
terry's forebears displayed great forbearance.
"
"""we'll abolish conscription forthwith"".
whitlam's words thrilled our hearts to the pith,
and ""it's time!"" was the cry
when gough reached for the sky
down at blacktown: the birth of the myth.
"
"groucho, chico and harpo are mountin'
a movie in roma, recountin'
a scene where their chevy
drives into the trevi.
they'll call it three clowns in the fountain.
"
"says an irishman, feisty and terse:
""my gaelic is better; yours, worse.""
a belligerent scot
then responds, ""no, it's not!
you just don't know your arse from your erse!""
"
"as a robot, i'd say i'm a dud.
passions surge like a river in flood:
love, hurt, pain. (in a robot?)
it's plain, i'm a faux bot.
i'm not, yet i feel, flesh-and-blood.
"
"sir, i always shoot straight from the hip.
on that rawhide, i keep a firm grip.
your old cowhand's a clown.
me, i won't let you down:
i deserve a fair crack of the whip!
"
"demoniacism: that's where a demon
inhabits you. no, you're no freeman.
you claim that it's fun:
""two souls?better than one!""
what, me try? no way, mate. you're dreamin'.
"
"at the footy, we love to let rip?
""come on umpy, that's clearly a trip!
are ya out of yer mind?
ya white maggot, yer blind.
that's a free, mate. fair crack of the whip!""
"
"exergue is preferred as the word
by your true numismatical nerd,
for the space at the base
of coins, medals?the place
where the credits (who, when...) are conferred.
"
"this old shrine's fallen into decline,
infested with vermin and swine;
once holy, now lowly.
exaugurate wholly
this site (so, ordained ""not divine"").
"
"now, old bean, please discuss flageolet.
""it's a kidney-shaped haricot, pet,
and to boot, it's a flute
one can toot. there's one root
for this word with two meanings, i'd bet.""
"
"so you're planning on planting a flowerbed.
well, make with a rake and hoe: plough a bed.
sow your seeds, which soon sprout.
then buds form and come out.
wow, they're blooming. hey presto! you've now a bed.
"
"meet the spooks: mi6 (the uk);
'cross the pond, cia (usa);
and down under in oz
it is asis because
they [top secret: redact] (you don't say).
"
"look out for the enemy. doubt
every man and his dog. send a scout
up ahead without fail.
also, watch your own tail
for faux friends (foes within). root them out!
"
"blame the world (it's so foul) for your sin?
you could, but you'd better begin
with a look deep inside
your own soul (source of pride)
for the enemy lurking within.
"
"all i say you just twist and pervert.
my emotions you treat worse than dirt.
constant verbal abuse
really bruises me, bruce,
on the inside ? my feelings are hurt.
"
"speak fluently, lad. never splutter,
get jumbled, or mumble or mutter.
don't jabber or babble
or slur, like the rabble.
talk smoothly: don't stammer or stutter.
"
"""it's the drink that you have,"" the guy spake,
""when not having a drink."" big mistake:
that campaign (drink looks hard,
but is soft) was ill-starred?
jack, your claytons, fair dinkum, was fake.
"
"we were familists (family of love),
living true to the cue of the dove.
hendrik niclaes, who drove us
(""h.n."" ? homo novus)
preached ""peace, man"", when push came to shove.
"
"if you're into cro magnon (long gone),
you should go down a grotte. the dordogne
has art at lascaux
that's on show (though it's faux).
vin rouge, in a cave? mate, you're on!
"
"in our feud, you're foredoomed. i'll foredo you.
the point of my sword i'll run through you.
i'll drill you until you
collapse, then i'll kill you,
and dance on the spot where i slew you.
"
"the punk slammed down his test with a plunk,
looking sunk. out of class he then slunk.
would he drop out of school?
the poor fool, this ain't cool.
a slam dunk?in a funk, he will flunk.
"
"""and the winner is... hilary swank!""
""me? i'm trailer park trash. gotta thank
every co-nominee.
you're all better than me.""
false modesty, hil. let's be frank.
"
"""a pet elephant?! buy one? no dice.""?
""just ten quid.""?""in our flat? won't think twice.
got no room, mate. get real.""?
""two for twelve?""?""it's a deal.
i'll take four. six quid each: a fair price.""
"
"just on spec, let's reflect for a sec,
and inspect. i suspect in this speck,
undetected worlds, hidden,
there lie, sight forbidden.
aw, heck no. it's merely a fleck.
"
"you're a cell in a watery pool.
endosmosis will happen if you'll
absorb through your skin:
purer fluid seeps in.
exosmosis? seeps out, just like drool.
"
"i pity those boys. they have poor names,
like tom, dick and harry. i've more names
than chaps who have three.
i am piddlington-tree,
ambrose brewster claude dudley (my forenames).
"
"i point out (is this merely semantics?)
the surf-rockin' kings the atlantics
(the world would be poorer
without their ""bombora"")
were aussies, not yanks.  (loved their antics.)
"
"your fatty gut makes you get weary.
you're fatigate (tired). how dreary.
and your drag act, sweet pea,
really fatigates me?
. it seems far too gay to me, dearie.
"
"you're a brown-nosing ass-licker, who'll
stick your tongue where the sun don't shine. you'll
suck up, sycophantically,
flattering frantically.
fool, you ain't cool. you're their mule.
"
"at the slip, sipping ouzo with ease.
non-stop atmosphere, life is a breeze.
here (of kos) we have fun.
all rhodes lead to the sun
in the symi-lar dodecanese.
"
"""the best band in the land's acca dacca.
every song that they sing is a cracker.""
""ac/dc don't rate.""
""that's ya view, is it mate?
wanna kick up the date (yeah, ya clacker)?""
"
"the clacker. a warning, to start:
it's a  rude anatomical part.
if such words  you deplore,
please don't read any more.
(it's the hole out of which we all fart.)
"
"flashing wings all a-flicker, you flit
from petal to petal.  to wit,
you're my pretty, bright butterfly.
lightly, you flutter by?
off, in a second that's split.
"
"it's the state banquet musical chairs:
who'll we seat with the prince of the khmers,
party prez (vietnam)
or the king of siam?
they are tricky, these foreign affairs.
"
"besieged, we're now waterless, mortarless.
at daybreak, they storm our first fortalice.
that small blockhouse stronghold
does not for too long hold.
by sundown we're sonless and daughterless.
"
"""from the lab, your results have come through to me,
and it looks like they're almost on cue to me?
out of ten, you scored nine.
and your fluids? all fine,
which is euchymy."" ""gee, doc. that's new to me.""
"
"my gal pam's tarted up like a prossy,
her lush mouth painted red (smooth and glossy)?
hot lips, now enamellar.
kiss me, sweet pamelahhh...
[censored by editor (bossy).]
"
"have a fling with a nubile blue blubber?
they sting, bub, so best use a rubber.
a jellyfish screw
ain't for me bub, but you
do what floats, bub, your boat: hubba hubba!
"
"a hen-pecked old rooster (respectless),
a penis that's getting erect less,
a boxer who's decked,
and a hangman who's necked
all have this that they share: they're effectless.
"
"on facebook, you asked, ""be my bae?"".
lol. go ahead, make my dae.
hey, but ""no."" (don't mean maybe.)
what, me? be your baby?
babe, tweet all your like, but no wae.
"
"""lairy flares? too much flair, joyce. so there!""
""wear drab plaid, pleated pants? that's unfair.""
""don't you dare raise your voice
to your mother, young joyce.""
(in our home, tempers easily flare.)
"
"rusty wrote us this lim'rick in vain.
understood as it should be, 'tis plain ?
see his name read acros-
tically down, and across
you can read it again ? what a gain!
"
"i am master of this, my domain.
here i rule: they don't dare pull my chain.
i'm the lord of my chiefdom,
the chief of my fiefdom.
as attendant (gents' toilets), i reign.
"
"when i radioed from my jalopy,
bad static made all my words choppy.
i had said, ""i will be
back by four. boil the tea.""
they thought, ""bravo for tango? don't copy.""
"
"jack, do fishers chew fish? not so much,
as the pekan eschews fish, as such.
he eats porcupines (gee, jack!)
and pecans. the wejack
(pennanti?) was penned by the dutch.
"
"old masters excel. have a dekko.
this painter, who's swell, is el greco.
but how do geeks spell
the greek's name? please, do tell.
echo, lima; golf, romeo, echo...
"
"tweezers, tongs, pliers, clips are all clever.
they hold things in place (never sever).
but no surgeon's stern lips
would demand ""tongs"" or ""clips"".
may their ""forceps"" be with you forever.
"
"as i said to the priest from the church,
""for the eulogy, please don't besmirch
or defame the deceased;
but, by god, what a beast!
how we'll feast, now he's dropped off the perch.""
"
"i'm reborn. my old life i've forsworn:
no more wars. no more whores. no more porn.
i've abjured drugs and booze.
living clean's what i choose.
(it's dead boring: my sins i sure mourn.)
"
"though you've felt the sharp lash of love's birch,
and?bad luck?have been left in the lurch,
don't crack up in despair
or break down. please take care
to hang on, and not fall off the perch.
"
"i'm a joker; in class i'm the clown. i
unbuckle my pants, pull 'em down. i
bend over and show
them my date, down below?
how i love giving teachers a browneye.
"
"there was a young man from peru
whose limericks stopped at line 2.

there was a young man from verdun
?
?
"
"searching nightly the net, dirty bert, you'll
seek girls who are willing to flirt. you'll
pop questions on-line?
""are you, cyberbabe, mine?""
is your love the real thing, or lust virtual?
"
"the young leveret's eager to share a date.
daddy hare says, ""beware! don't you dare a date.""
she won't. she's aware it'd
mean ""disinherited!""
(she's the one daddy'd exheredate.)
"
"tutankhamun the great gazes down
on the tourists in old cairo town.
""that statue of tut's tall!""
(yes, thanks to his footstall,
the plinth king tut's perched on, the clown.)
"
"see my open-your-mouth-man-and-drool cab,
which glitters and gleams like a jewel cab.
she's got four-on-the-floor,
and four doors. here's the score:
my brute, my beaut ute, is a dual cab.
"
"epistemologists study the gist
of the limits of knowledge. they list
what we can and can't know
about knowing. their row
is a tough one to hoe. (they're so 'pist'.)
"
"in the house, now, it's run of the mill
to throw taunts. ""electricity bill""
is how they mocked shorten.
chifley, menzies and gorton
would cringe. dim, the light on the hill.
"
"your poor sister's in pain something drastic.
assist her with cream (it's fantastic),
which draws from one's skin
the bad humours within,
forming blisters, by means epispastic.
"
"now, i know the earth's flat and not round:
i'd fall off if my grip were unsound.
to less flimsily cling
for dear life to the thing,
i've nailed both of my feet to the ground.
"
"your electro- (good god!) vital fluid
is sluggish, but here's how you're cured:
place the pos. on your tum
and the neg. up your bum.
now i'll shock you: good health is ensured.
"
"i find limericks are always a flop.
though with gusto they start at the top,
all my great expectation
succumbs to frustration
down here, when abruptly they stop.
"
"he has fought us all off. now we're more sore.
can't poleaxe this polak from warsaw
who squats on our land,
so in court we have planned
for a writ to eject this deforceor.
"
"a dish fit for a queen robed in scarlet,
or even a quean (that's a harlot):
stew fruit; with a cutter,
slice bread; spread with butter;
assemble and bake?hello charlotte!
"
"heavy metal's my game: a proud crowd-pleaser.
the critics carp, ""shame: just a loud pleaser.""
those cuts may engore me,
but fans all adore me.
though bloody, i bow, an uncowed pleaser.
"
"an abiding eternalist, i
shall forever remain till i die,
and in the hereafter,
i'll say (hold your laughter),
""things stay, on and on"", by and by.
"
"epicritic: such nerves can assess
tiny pressure change. add s-i-s;
t-i-c gets the flick?
epicrisis: ""when sick,
it's a secondary crisis."" oh? yes.
"
"my fine foxhound's hell-bent. tally ho!
now he's picked up the scent. go, boy, go!
jolly sporting, the thrill
of the hunt, and the kill.
""man's best friend""?and the fox's? er, no.
"
"a suburbanite? oh no, not me!
snobby sippers of chilled crisp chablis,
you can keep your green valleys.
i swill in back alleys
downtown, in the grim cbd.
"
"clifford (""c"", as he's known) rides a harley.
cbers, such bikers all parley.
""up ahead, past that tree,
smokey's hiding, i see.""
cliff signs off with his handle. (that's ""charlie."")
"
"they've condemned all my works with hostility:
""can them! they urge incivility.""
can they burn all my books?
can i stop them? it looks
like it boils down to this: flammability.
"
"if in fright from a fire, flies fly,
do in fear, fleas flee (free or fry)?
whether fleas and flies flew
or they fled, it is true,
i'm afraid, they're (we too) bound to die.
"
"we'd consulted an expert on fiqh,
a bearded, bespectacled giqh.
""you have raised quite a nice
point of law. my advice,
inshallah, i shall give you next wiqh.""
"
"'mongst the king's grasping schemes, none was neater:
appoint some vile scoundrel, a cheater,
to rake in the bounty
across the whole county
of heirless men's lands?the escheator.
"
"""my name's geoff""?""mine is fred, with an f""?
""did you say 'with an s'?"", queried geoff.
""please use irsa,"" geoff said.
""with a foxtrot,"" said fred.
(geoffrey's either plain dumb or stone deaf.)
"
"""as a bonus, your country club fee
lets you ride on our cart to the tee.
use our old walkie-talkie.
the sound's a bit squawky:
say 'golf' to spell 'g'."" (golly gee.)
"
"in the amazon, sniffin's alarmin'.
virola bark's literally charmin'?
 entheogen snuff,
this ebene's great stuff.
(if symptoms persist, see your shaman.)
"
"the folks are one's parents. one pokes
at them, fun. they're the butt of one's jokes.
and folks also are souls
(as in ""people""). my goal's
now achieved, so i'll say, ""that's all, folks.""
"
"though they force-feed poor geese for foie gras,
and fat babies, with mush from a jar,
the pap murdoch force-feeds us
as ""news"", which misleads us,
is tougher to stomach, by far.
"
"rippling runs of felicitous fluency,
every note played with perfect congruency:
supple hands flow,
yet it's subtle, this show?
he's a master of brilliance and nuance, see.
"
"""tornado approaching. take shelter!""
in panic, we run helter-skelter.
of four bunkers we use
as a refuge, i choose
the one closest. that's d block (called ""delta"").
"
"on the radio, do not say ""a""
when you're spelling things out. here's the way:
take a word, say, alfalfa.
begin it with ""alfa""
(and end with it too, i may say).
"
"""she's a man-eater, one i'll essentiate:
she's become just the sum of the men she ate.""
""no, though 'you are what you eat',
she's still 'she', and discrete
from her victims. one can differentiate.""
"
"a tutorial: flutist and flautist
are longer than fluter (it's shortest).
astute fluting tooters
are taught ""you're not fluters!""
(the usage of fluter is fraughtest.)
"
"""our defence has a hole, so let's buy a plug.""
""well, there's jones.""?""man, you're joking. that fireplug?
he's too stocky and squat,
so can't block a high shot.
just forget about jones. get a higher plug.""
"
"her tricoleur cake's caused a stir on
bastille day. as is de rigueur, on
the top's a rosette
made of icing. i bet
it's the best you've seen yet?yes, her fleuron.
"
"i'm a vassal; the king is my chief.
i serve him; he grants me my fief.
on that earth, every serf
at my will tills his turf,
while they serve me. (life's feudal, in brief.)
"
"exercitation's a word that's abstruse,
meaning ""exercise, practice or use"".
to be fit just like me,
lad, exertion's the key,
so get off your fat ass, you great goose.
"
"beneath the great boiler, i spy a box
where they shovel the coal. that's the firebox.
son, beware the dull roar
of the flames. to be sure,
if, my lad, you fall in, it's your pyre box.
"
"""i have read in my hunting dog manual
that it 'springs' (that is, flushes),"" says daniel,
""the game birds, which fly,
to be shot in the sky.
good old english"" (woof! woof!) ""springer spaniel.""
"
"""poppa, this is a boxcar. what's that car?
that wheels-with-a-kinda-steel-mat-car,
with no sides and no top,
in a freight train?  well, pop?""
will this kid never stop? ""it's a flatcar.""
"
"the sutures that knit up your skull
are like welds joining plates in a hull.
into crenae fit teeth,
tightly clenched. underneath
lies the brain. (ain't anatomy dull.)
"
"with its thrill-kills and lust at velocity,
crash chills. jim exhibits atrocity,
played by young christian bale.
each dystopian tale
shows off james graham ballard's ferocity.
"
"growin' berries is what bob enjoys, an'
scoffin' 'em bub loves (blue-, boysen-
or straw-, served with cream).
bob's rich yield; bub's sweet dream:
one man's treat is another man's foison.
"
"how we pled, how we begged, how we tried
to persuade him, but we were denied.
to his guns (""no!"") he stuck.
""&@$  !%#  ?#&@! what the &@#!!!!""
was how, cussedly, swifty replied.
"
"in a land where no bluebloods are bred,
aussie bloodnuts, though ""blue"", will bleed red.
see, like fatties named ""slim""
and young ""einstein"", who's dim,
redheads answer to ""bluey"" instead.
"
"when a flame's flaring hotly and spurts,
then a fire extinguisher's squirts
will soon quench that bright fire?
as, babe, my desire
was drenched when you benched me. love hurts.
"
"up on dunsinane?""see that there damn bush?
it's moving. och aye, it's a sham bush!""
an attack by surprise:
lord macduff in disguise!
thus macbeth lost his crown, in an ambush.
"
"hey, i'm footloose and (yes!) fancy-free.
what's my status? ""available"". (whee!)
i'm a girl about town?
unattached, not tied down.
i just (sigh!) wish some guy fancied me.
"
"how we love our sharp notes. when our choir sees
this ?, in our church we sing higher cs.
and sharp notes for our cues:
when we footnote, we use
double daggers (our diocese ??).
"
"come, mourner (alone, in the corner),
to funeral mass (none forlorner)?
the death of a hobo;
the dirge of an oboe
(the stop is the organ's cromorna).
"
"the time that it takes, we observe,
to excite a cell (muscle or nerve)
using current that's twice
what can barely suffice,
is its chronaxy (see lapicque's curve).
"
"escolar is a fish. why a ""scholar""?
coz, like specs, 'round each eye's a dark collar.
this oily snake mackerel
(though it looks blacker)'ll
sell as ""white tuna"": top dollar.
"
"""flamin' heck! the colt's grinnin',"" claim laymen.
the dray men say, ""no. that is flehmen.""
(bared teeth; smells the sweet
scent of fillies in heat.)
""time to call in the neuter-and-spay men.""
"
"inductive thought's called epagoge:
""my ma, pa and i love a yogi,
just him, and no other;
thus so will my brother.""
this ""logic"" is bogus: hume's bogey.
"
"it's a snake's poisoned fang (do not tickle!);
a sword (saves your skin in a pickle);
in your brain, it's a fold;
but a wrestling hold?
no, for falx always means 'like a sickle'.
"
"household items (deceased?sob!?estate)
will go under the hammer at eight.
the proceeds, we're wishin',
will pay the mortician.
'til then, ma's embalmin' must wait.
"
"i'm treating an ulcer that's tropical,
smearing on ointment that's topical.
that stye in my eye
is an aegilops 
(adjectivally, that's egilopical.)
"
"we will catchim a possum and killim,
and grillim to fillim my bilum
(a handmade string bag).
though i don't like to brag,
i'll then eatim and climbim mt wilhelm.
"
"this project has far too much whimsy,
so i'm writing a serious lim, see?
""now, i know the earth's flat...""
starts my limerick. (that
has a premise quite weak, i.e. flimsy.)
"
"to define for example, it's ample
to illustrate, citing a sample.
there is ""such as"", ""e.g."",
""like"", ""including"", ""let's see"",
and ""for instance"", i'd say, for example.
"
"mindless babble brings logical shabbiness:
gabble and vacuous blabbiness.
chew the fat without thought?
that's too loose, man. you ought
to eschew intellectual flabbiness.
"
"time was ticking for thomas the gnostic,
ordained by date-coded acrostic.
death darkens my door,
and i'm called, tom foresaw.
yikes! a chronogram (or, eteostic).
"
"in drosophila, stuff (dpp)
will instruct fruit fly cells what to be,
using signals strategic;
thus decapentaplegic
instructs about us. it's a key.
"
"love's arrows are made by a fletcher
named cupid (that baby-faced lecher),
who'll fashion a dart
that will pierce the hard heart
of my mistress, so romance will fetch her.
"
"oh! you've slipped, tripped and flipped running faster,
so now you're in need of a plaster.
while you're flat on your face,
though you're not in disgrace,
it's disgracia (that's luckless disaster).
"
"not a polyglot? rot! ballyhoo!
like a native i speak parley-voo.
as i jamais was truant
in french class, i'm fluent.
see, i say ""je suis charlie"", too.
"
"my poor baby can't sleep. it's so trying
(and tiring). i've tried controlled crying:
put her down, close the door;
let her scream, each time more.
gee, that's tough. now it's my eyes need drying.
"
"maybe atheist, muslim or mormon,
from the ranks of big, small, rich or poor men,
when he stands to deliver
their verdict, we quiver:
he's first amongst peers?mr foreman.
"
"midnight vigil he keeps by her bed,
feeling flickers of hope mixed with dread.
but the candle flame flutters,
and sputters... then gutters ?
no flicker of life now. she's dead.
"
"coincidence? no: too damn fluky.
either purposely planned, or real spooky!
six bikers rode by
in bikinis (oh, my)
and black boots, each astride his suzuki.
"
"could ya spot me ten bucks? would ya, bro?
all me cash, as ya know, seems to go:
short supply, long demand (it's
those damned one-armed bandits).
now i've lost the whole lot, done me dough.
"
"ma sat for our fireside chat;
fat brown firebrat scuttled out. ""scat!
stomp that bristletail bug,
but, no, not on my rug!""
oops. flat splat on your mat, mater (drat).
"
"from the german comes fahlerz (ore, grey)
bearing copper, in claystone. today,
is it true that this tennantite's
smelted by men in tights?
no. (for the rhyme here, i'd say.)
"
"the exocet: fish out of water;
she flies to sink ships. france's daughter,
from her sub up she swims,
bursts the surface and skims,
radar-guided, to home in to slaughter.
"
"""face it, mother's both generous and sweet.
two whole shillings. forsooth, what a treat!""
(this character facet
is not a great asset:
facetiousness. he's too facete.)
"
"consider the cyclograph's core bits:
geared-wheels-within-rings-where-you-draw bits.
kids' fad for shapes spiral
(egad!) just went viral?
pen flowers, for hours, in orbits.
"
"lexicographers (goodness!) are gooses:
distillation, in essence, reduces.
the word extillation's
repeated citation's
""exudation of petrifying juices"".
"
"she yearns for my love; she would claim me,
but phebe could never inflame me.
your unbeautiful libels
and black bugle eyeballs
won't capture, subdue or entame me.
"
"i'm a follower. home or away,
i keep track of each game that you play.
if you lose, then i swallow
my pride, but i'll follow
you goofballs, my club, come what may.
"
"in jerusalem life was idyllic,
full of books (jews are bibliophilic).
now our scrolls have all vanished,
as, vanquished, we're banished
to babylon. life is exilic.
"
"for a foray (a pillaging raid),
for a venture to brandish a blade,
for a taste of terrain
for a coming campaign,
get the lie of the land. then invade.
"
"duff's a word that means all kind of stuff:
mulch; coal-dust; a golf shot you fluff;
(up the...) pregnant; pud (plum);
fake; thieve cows; no good; bum;
forge brands; beat up. i'd say that's enough.
"
"our keen foxhounds are sniffing the soil.
now they've found a fresh scent, but their joy'll
soon fade, as some scat
spoils their track (that damn cat!).
curses: foiled by distracting false foil.
"
"faq on fack: ""what the fack?"" i'll illumine:
support for the kin of killed crew-men;
eminem tracking cartman
(a gerbil? don't start, man);
acknowledge (full); fake; fact; and rumen.
"
"i see straight through your schemes that would fill me
with dreams.  they don't thrill me; they chill me.
those filmy silk veils!
(yes, see-through) ? you males
would film me, then drill me and kill me.
"
"""your son is disgusting, my dear.
you should give him a flea in his ear
(a stinging rebuke).""
""our son is no fluke.
hon, you both need a kick in the rear.""
"
"a fly-by-night business is one
that will take all your money and run.
when you go to claim flybuys,
they're gone (said their bye-byes).
rewards for your loyalty?  none.
"
"with its sickle-shaped falcers, the spider
(see its sickening fangs!) stands astride her.
jaws unfold (they're expandable);
each dreaded mandible
drives its vile venom inside her.
"
"this old call centre's got it so wrong.
when i ring, all i get's a canned song.
you have left me on hold
for an hour, all told.
do the math. count your erlangs! so long.
"
"enambush meant ""ambush"" back then
in those halcyon days, up to when
an aggressive eraser
attacked, to deface 'er?
an ambush rubbed out little en.
"
"this streambed's a stratum of flysch
(layered flakes of shale/sandstone). i wysch,
as i stand on the schist,
by luck's lips to be kist,
and to catch me a nice tasty fysch.
"
"when his fowling piece jams (i.e. fouls),
he beats up his beater and howls.
seems his old-fashioned shotgun
is not such a hot gun
for bagging grouse, pheasants or owls.
"
"ignore at your peril, this lyric:
mort said no to vaccines.  triumph pyrrhic,
since sadly old mort
and his daughters all caught
dread diphtheria. now they're diphtheric.
"
"""my tot's dentizing, doc, cries all day!""
""my dear, do not fear. i will say
it's the same for most mums.
daily, rub his pink gums;
soon there'll be some small teeth to display.""
"
"""i will dutifully, silently vie
to snoop as a spook ever spry.""
when he fought the cold war,
that's the oath sir charles swore.
(aussie asio agents i spy.)
"
"irregular-verb tests were what
i was hot at.  get tense? i did not:
my cool recall ruled. yet,
one alone made me sweat:
""i forget"" in past tense?  i forgot.
"
"i'm immersed in my music symphonic,
surrounded by sound: super sonic!
(what joy; don't disturb me.)
these chords chime superbly
together in tune: euharmonic.
"
"every person, from peasant to gentry,
is nourished with food, which, on entry,
proceeds through the gut,
'til expelled by the butt.
this is enteral. (that's elementary.)
"
"here's a list of the things i forwent
(that's ""gave up""), as contrition, for lent:
chocolate, chicken, red meat,
sex and coors. (did i cheat
when i drank the homebrew i ferment?)
"
"founding fathers, far-sighted and brave,
we give thanks for the gift that you gave.
we salute your solution,
our great constitution.
(each spins, all aghast, in his grave.)
"
"when a man went before, he forewent.
thus ""preceding"" foregoing has meant.
that's not all it has, bub,
for forego is a sub
for forgo, too. (yes, ain't english bent?)
"
"he looked hip, cool and hot, but was clunky:
his moves stunk, like a skunk or drunk monkey.
though he flunked out of ballet,
he made, as a valet,
a funky fine hunk of a flunky.
"
"our foxtrot's slow-slow fast-fast flow
danced to swing is quite tricky. although
our slick salsa, our waltz
and quick cha cha lack faults,
critics can can our foxtrot: ""so-so.""
"
"""my sheep's flatulence shocks. i'm aghast,
and they're bound: not one stool have they passed.
what's the problem here, doc?""
""i'm afraid that your flock
has come down with a bad case of blast.""
"
"i'll accept, full of pride and elation,
from this nation, my naturalization.
no happier bloke'll
you meet: a new local
the day of his denizenation.
"
"gonna fly to the moon in my rocket
that's fuelled when this thing in my pocket
plugs into three slits.
it's a gizmo that fits
in my bedroom's electrical socket.
"
"let me buy you a drink, mate ? my shout.
wanna job, mate?  there's plenty about.
i am up to me ears
doin' overtime (cheers!),
like a lizard, mate, drinkin' ? flat out.
"
"he stood up, brushed the crumbs off his coat,
coughed ""ahem"", began clearing his throat,
took his notes out and then,
said ""ahem"" once again...
(spit it out: speak your piece, you old goat).
"
"ate my hard drive for lunch: what a hill o' bites.
chewed a billion (gee!) billion (wow!) kilobytes.
that's a whole heap o' memory?
one exabyte, emory.
enough. (now i've  had my fill o' bytes.)
"
"top to bottom, here's data on date:
1. a meeting in hope you might mate;
2. a stewable fruit;
3. a day you compute;
4. the anus (australian). er, great.
"
"what's orchestral-style tweeting and tooting,
or in rifles, for accurate shooting?
what's ridges and grooves
like on crinkle-cut roofs,
cardboard, glasses and columns? it's fluting.
"
"epilogism's method: induce
with empirical rigour (not loose).
the good dr galen
gave man's sundry ailin'
epistemological use.
"
"this ""syndrome"": a guy has ignited;
delirious; hyper-excited;
lashes out at the cops;
then goes still, and heart stops.
cause of death? exds is indicted.
"
"my work's flexitime system is great!
i stay late, so will earn at this rate
(ten whole seconds each day)
a full (yay!) week in may
of the year that i turn 88.
"
"see his feverish, wild-eyed appearance. he
is speaking no sense, lacks coherence. he
seems devil-possessed
or by frenzy obsessed.
his mad malady, ma'am, is delirancy.
"
"let us get under way; don't delay.
sail away; love that salty sea spray!
to cast off i hanker,
so pull up that anchor,
or ""anchors aweigh!"" as they say.
"
"fill a beautiful box with some cake
and some chicken and bread that you bake.
now let's make it look nice?
that's my special advice
for the box social down by the lake.
"
"my chief admonitioner cried,
""it's beginning to rain! go inside!""
but i wanted to play
in the puddles that day.
if i'd listened, i wouldn't have died.
"
"you may ask, ""what are canthi?"" i'll try
to define them: you've two on each eye.
they're where both eyelids meet:
one's beside your crow's feet;
one's where tears trickle out when you cry.
"
"he'd show her a mountain surprise:
a cataract, mammoth in size.
but his gift could not be
since his mom could not see?
large cataracts clouded her eyes.
"
"a canzone's a madrigal song,
and i'd guess that it's probably long.
it's italian, to boot,
so most likely a lute
has a part. but i just might be wrong.
"
"my bedcovering keeps me so warm,
both at home and in my college dorm.
on a cold wintry night,
when the snow's deep and white,
i can snuggle in, safe from the storm.
"
"a cantle's the back of a saddle
where a horseman might ride, all astraddle
his beautiful horse.
if it's me, then of course,
while i'm riding i'll eat fiddle  faddle.
"
"yankee doodle's a brief canzonet.
row your boat is a shorter one yet.
they are sweet little airs
you may hear at the fairs.
almost everyone knows one, i'll bet.
"
"as the dinosaur chased him that day,
the cave dweller hurried away
yelling, ""dinosaur meat
is my favorite treat?
if you catch me, you're bronto souffl?!""
"
"a carnivorous dinosaur said,
""go away, or i'll bite off your head.
see, i love to eat meat
and you're tender and sweet.
if you don't run, you soon will be dead!""
"
"beware the bombora, my boy.
'neath the surf, the sea seethes. reef ahoy!
those big breakers can kill,
but oh man, what a thrill,
and oh boy, the ride's pure gnarly joy.
"
"this here 'beer' that you've brewed's unpresentable.
the cause is both clear and preventable?
there's no fizz; there's no zing;
there's no taste. here's the thing:
it's mere water, and that ain't fermentable.
"
"a florin was two dozen pence,
or two shillings, which ladies and gents
wrote as ""24d"".
in new pence that's 10p.
(as you see, britain lacks common cents.)
"
"hail the horsetail! though horses can't eat 'em,
for humans, this herb's boiled to treat 'em.
these primitive rushes
make fine scouring brushes.
by spores, they grow more: equisetum.
"
"red and ready, with fire engine's hose,
the hydrant, we know, fairly flows.
not so rare, in our street?
for a treat in the heat,
kids uncap her and yell, ""there she blows!""
"
"down the canyon she fell, my dear wife.
roped together, in deep (oh dear) strife,
i'm dragged over the edge.
now we cling to a ledge,
grimly hanging on (""help!"") for dear life.
"
"his plots (lots of blood-and-gore wallowing)
mean squeamish folk find them tough swallowing.
each webster imbroglio
was printed in fol.
(page one, with the others all fol.)
"
"sweet jesus, protect me, my friend,
from phenomena i apprehend:
dogs, spiders, dark places,
frogs, snakes, open spaces,
bogs, aliens... heaven forfend.
"
"my forays in foreign affairs
can provoke, at the consulate, glares.
when i pinched the plump bum
of her maj the queen's mum,
""pm, really!"" (they put on such airs.)
"
"in a fix? as a fix, use a mix
with a fixative: stabilise pics,
perfume, photos, hues (dyed),
or the smear on your slide;
and it glues stuff. this goo truly sticks!
"
"the bubbles had all gone away,
'cause my bathtub was leaking that day.
so i went down to buy
(after i had got dry)
some more caulking so water would stay.
"
"cabretta is used to make gloves
and wallets and shoes my mom loves.
made from sheep that have hair
(there's no wool growing there);
in sale lines, mom pushes and shoves!
"
"the camass: a beautiful lily
with blue and white blossoms so frilly.
the old indians ate
the bulbs, but of late
i make pretty bouquets for aunt tilly.
"
"the blue capelet my grandmother wore
didn't come from a big, fancy store.
she had knit it by hand
and i thought it was grand.
these short capes aren't in style anymore.
"
"the fun house i've seen at the fair
has twenty-odd mirrors, so there
is a place that's catoptric.
it's making my optic
nerves ache. but you likely don't care.
"
"krakatoans will always lament
the day of the lava's descent.
o'er their homes it did crash?
all that hot rock and ash?
'twas a true cataclysmic event!
"
"the carnival: oh, what a place!
the exciting rides hurl you through space!
there are fun games to play
and a fireworks display,
but the best part is feeding your face!
"
"beware! cayenne peppers are hot,
and i really don't like them a lot!
it just wasn't nice
putting them in my rice?
now my nose wants to sniffle and snot!
"
"my caloric consumption is strange,
and my diet i must rearrange.
my weight is so high,
doctor says i could die?
i want ice cream first! find me some change!
"
"would you please sign these forms i've begun,
so that this precious child, my own hon,
can be my little girl?
do it quick?in a whirl!
my adoption leave nearly is done!
"
"it's an orchid from asia that grows
with its leaves in two vertical rows.
waxy blossoms of white?
fragrance fills up the night?
let the aerides pleasure your nose.
"
"if you wish you could kayak in maine
or go white-water rafting in spain,
you'll think rock climbing's neat
and a bungee jump's sweet,
since adventure sports reign in your brain.
"
"the rider nears timbers piled high.
will his mount clear the jump or be shy?
he urges his steed,
and they put on some speed?
o'er the first cavalletti they fly!
"
"i canoed down the river with speed,
far too cocky to think i would need
to wear a life vest,
but it would have been best
since i flipped the boat over, indeed!
"
"my cows were consuming their grain
when i noticed a bug that's a bane.
the black cadelle beetle
i found in their feed'll
make feeding my cattle a strain.
"
"you're avidulous, meaning you're greedy,
but you hide it with suits that are tweedy.
though you're rich as a czar,
what a miser you are!
you will not share one cent with the needy.
"
"it's a veggie i'm fond of, by golly!
i really enjoy eating cauli-
flower with cheese
or with carrots and peas.
i hope i can find some in bali!
"
"a spoiled, very pretty young model,
to her agent said, ""hurry! don't dawdle!
i'm feeling quite ill,
but i won't take a pill.
help me now!"" so he mixed up a caudle.
"
"i have eaten a bit of cardoon,
a veggie i've grown since last june.
now it seems such a waste
'cause i hated the taste,
so i'm finding the nearest spittoon!
"
"said dad, ""i'm just picking your brain.
what's the paris-to-venice fast train?""
i said,""dad, i would guess
it's the orient express.
now from brain-picking kindly abstain!""
"
"to succeed in our home/garden store, kid,
'bout pitchin', ya gotta know more, kid.
don't say, ""genus, encyclia"".
make ya sale quicklier:
""dontcha just love this rare orchid!""
"
"in the middle of nowhere's my shack,
which is run-down and fly-blown. out back,
by the broken screen door,
blowflies swarm. i keep score
as i squat and i swat. buzz buzz thwack!!
"
"give me hoffmans, pacinos, de niros.
i'm lusting for flesh and blood heroes
(soft hearts, flawed and scarred); bored
with screen cutouts (cardboard)
and cyberguys (all ones and zeroes).
"
"ferro-'s lacking electrons (a pair);
merry ferri- has less. ""i declare,
you've lost two. as for me,
i'm more positive: three!""
and i(r)onically speaking, that's fair.
"
"chicken soup made from stock in a wok:
tiny blobs floating by bump and dock,
making loose massy lumps,
mini dumpling-like clumps,
and together they flock. this is floc.
"
"they jammed me right next to a loser (large)
on my long-haul flight. next time i'll choose a large
seat for my ass
in a plane with first class,
and a legroomy wide-bodied fuselage.
"
"fog-blurred furze, yellow fuzz on the hill?
my blood stirs, a warm buzz in the chill.
how i love you, auld gorse
(and, aye, heather, of course).
bonnie scotland the brave, you are brill!
"
"go and film me a pic, if you will, mick,
like gone with the wind or kill bill, mick.
melt their hearts, make 'em weep
with the screen's epic sweep,
but no limericks, mick (they ain't filmic).
"
"dak / dak. / dak: disney park; amputee;
or the ""flame of the forest"" (a tree);
pull down trousers (your mate's);
stuff you smoke; u.s. states;
rommel's troops; sold a 2-inch tv.
"
"some folks, when they're stressed out or achy,
submit to a treatment called ""reiki"".
(""laying hands is the key:
subtly stimulate chi."")
wakey-wakey, that's nuts?just plain flaky!
"
"i am all alone. friendless. bereft.
of my family, just i am left.
i am burdalane now,
but i'll move on, somehow,
though my grief has unbearable heft.
"
"no strakes overlap on my boat,
but between them there's pitch, so she'll float.
my life won't be dull
in my carvel-built hull
when i sail off to islands remote.
"
"i have a new music cassette,
and it's one that you'd like, i would bet!
the songs are all great?
make me sing and gyrate?
it's the best band i've listened to yet!
"
"campanulas: beautiful flowers
adorning some gardens and bowers.
bell-shaped blossoms of blue,
white, or pink beckon you
to come closer in spite of rain showers.
"
"a calligrapher: that is my station.
i've hand-lettered each invitation.
i carefully wrote
fancy script on each note
to invite folks to this convocation.
"
"canopus: you shine from afar,
many light years away, oh bright star.
second only to sirius,
remote and mysterious:
i wonder how far out you are?
"
"when i was a young girl of ten,
i didn't think much about men.
but when david sang ""cherish""
i thought i would perish?
my heartthrob was cassidy then.
"
"""that holstein is calving!"" he yelled.
her new heifer, the mother expelled.
she didn't seem rattled,
her nerves were not addled.
at calving, that cow had excelled.
"
"in the bible's a little known nook:
the canticle of canticles book,
which, with passion aflame,
also goes by the name
song of solomon. (go take a look!)
"
"what's a cart? it's a box on some wheels
you can use to cart groceries for meals.
in your cart you could cart
perhaps darts or some art,
or some parts for some automobiles!
"
"this mushroom, the wild chanterelle,
has a flavor i've come to love well.
its bright yellow hue
adds pizzazz to my stew,
plus a delicate apricot smell.
"
"you're handsome, and i love your brawn,
but i really despise how you chaun!
your big mouth opens wide?
i can look right inside
your deplorable, horrible, yawn!
"
"when i'm up on the stage, what's that chirm?
what's that humming noise making me squirm?
many people i see
looking right back at me,
and it makes me feel small as a worm.
"
"the caddow's pale eyes make his looks
outlandish, say most birding books,
with his gray nape and black jaw.
his call sounds like ""jackdaw.""
he's smaller than most crows or rooks.
"
"alces: a name that's in use
as the genus of elk and of moose.
the prominent features
of these forest creatures
are antlers, which most males produce.
"
"c?zanne was an artist whose style
fathered cubism. heard of him? i'll
bet you'd like his still life,
and his landscapes are rife
with rich colors. they surely beguile.
"
"its candescence could make me go blind,
but i've got to admit, i don't mind.
after winter's cold chill
i will sit and be still
as i bask in the sun and unwind.
"
"the centner or quintal's a weight
that i hardly can lift, it's so great.
be it kilo or pound,
when i try it i've found
that sore muscles are surely my fate.
"
"it's a marble-sized, bright yellow fruit
that's a good diuretic, to boot.
it's delicious in pies,
and in jams, it's a prize.
the cape gooseberry here i salute.
"
"in brazil, big black diamonds are found
when you sift through alluvial ground.
used for cutting or drilling,
carbonados are thrilling
for girls who flash jewelry around.
"
"please don't give me no ifs, bert, or buts.
i am crazy for hazels, you putz.
you can keep your brazil, bert.
just feed me a filbert.
i've only one word for you: ""nuts!""
"
"""for what it is worth, yea or nay,
i will add my two cents, if i may,
though my view won't amount
in the final account...""
says a lot: he has nothing to say.
"
"to the ""show trial"" of eichmann she went.
when she wrote, there were howls of dissent.
""aberrant!"" ""abhorrent!"" ?
a barrage, a torrent,
a rant against hannah arendt.
"
"when a cracker would fail to go off
with a bang (more a dry, stifled cough)
on the fifth of november,
i fondly remember
""a fizzog!"" we'd say with a scoff.
"
"episyllogism: start with the end
of your previous proof, and append
a new premise?conclusion.
let's lessen confusion:
a,b?c; c,d?e. comprehend?
"
"""no appearance, m'lud!"" it is clear
that the client is elsewhere, not here.
his essoiner's excuse
is, i fear, little use:
""er, the dog ate his bus fare."" oh, dear.
"
"1660: in notes on a sermon,
john milton set royalists squirmin':
""you insult 'consistorian'
kirk. there's no glory in
work like yours, mountebank vermin!""
"
"it is '72. aged 19,
down the barrel i stare, at the screen.
my number, don't pull it!
thank god, dodged a bullet ?
that damn vietnam war machine.
"
"in your twenties: wild parties; girls; naughties.
in your thirties: job; wife; fewer sorties.
now there's mortgages, corkage,
hair shortage plus ""porkage"".
congrats, man, you're into your forties.
"
"i have jumped grand canals in a bound.
proof of fermat's last theorem, i found.
i to china sell tea,
have sex daily (times three).
on my exploits i'm pleased to expound.
"
"my cherry tomatoes are sweet!
in my garden, they look really neat.
i don't use these for canning;
instead, i am planning
kabobs and fresh salads to eat!
"
"you've got chicken pox! oh, dear! oh, no!
there's a big one on your little toe!
all those itchy red dots
are in all sorts of spots.
they are causing you all kinds of woe.
"
"on an aircraft, with super rapidity,
it keeps track of the current humidity,
and air pressure and heat?
this cool tool's really neat!
we're dependent upon its validity.
"
"cefalexin's the name of a drug
that's prescribed when you're battling a bug
like a bladder infection?
it'll change its direction!
you might give your doctor a hug!
"
"making pickles? use this, with dill weed.
chicken salad? it's just what i need.
and in stuffings, it's great,
but not plain, on my plate.
so what is it? it's celery seed.
"
"grandma knitted a sweater, in which
she included a nice cable stitch.
for this lovely design
where two lines intertwine
she used purple-hued yarn that looks rich.
"
"the snow had charged in like a beast
(it had blown for a week from the east).
i was housebound, i found,
drifted in all around.
then came stillness?the wild winds had ceased.
"
"cloudy dimness?oh, what caligation!
my vision is poor! such frustration!
i'm longing to read,
so i guess what i need
are some glasses, or else medication.
"
"he takes care of the food and the wine
to ensure that their storage is fine.
the good cellarist knows
nooks where everything goes?
the basement is this servant's shrine.
"
"the centerpiece there on my table
has some squirrels the color of sable,
and some fruit and some bream?
it's so ugly, i'll scream!
but i can't?it's a gift from aunt mabel.
"
"folks, the focus is ""fart"" here (alas),
which it's true you may find rather crass,
but love us or hate us,
these rhymes about flatus
undoubtedly can be a gas.
"
"of a ferial day, one might speak:
""not a red-letter day, not unique,
not a fast, not a feast,
it's not much, but at least
i can say it's a day of the week.""
"
"gracious words, oozing charm?but all sham?
it's a shame you're disarmed by his scam:
crooked mouth, shifty eyes,
and a tissue of lies.
you're naive; face the facts; it's mere flam.
"
"""missh bartender, mix me a crusta,
a cocktail,"" the lush said with bluster.
""lemon peeled in a wheel,
sugar dushted on peel,
brandy, bittersh..."" ""you're outta here, buster.""
"
"a soup kitchen hand-out's a free bite.
a lawyer's fat bill?  that's a fee bite.
but if you get ""bit""
just a little bit, it
is a minor annoyance: a flea bite.
"
"here's the scam: make my slam with a wham,
lots of glam, pots of jam (what a ham).
no surprise, i pull wool
over eyes. full of bull,
i'm a master of flimflam, i am.
"
"this old word for destroy seems like hooey.
how to say it destroys me: ""des-true-ee""?
might it be ""des-true-eye""?
(and if so, baby, why?)
or is it ""des-trwee""? dunno. phooey.
"
"""the next slide, please. now, this is the flowchart.""
it's a how-things-from-start-to-end-go chart ?
all shapes linked by arrows.
(the twitter of sparrows
is simpler to grasp! better, no chart.)
"
"a forelock's a tuft of one's hair
that sprouts from one's forehead, right there.
when it's tugged, so i've heard,
it denotes one's deferred
to one's betters (one's place, one knows where).
"
"not sad days (a funeral, a burial),
but glad days, when folks who are merry'll
throw their hats in the air,
prance around without care:
it's a feast! it's the fair! (such are ferial.)
"
"now stop this chicanery, son!
this deception is no longer fun!
you have tricked us, it's true,
but that's it! you are through!
it is time for your lies to be done!
"
"center field's where the soaring ball flew.
when it reached me, i suddenly knew
that my arm was too short!
how i hated that sport!
(and this poem, quite sadly, is true!)
"
"the chacma baboon is a monkey?
the largest are heavy and chunky.
with a nose like a clown
and long fur?grey or brown?
this african primate looks funky!
"
"for arthritis, use celebrex: med
that can ease pain in joints. my mom said
that it helped her feel good?
it did just what it should?
'cause without it, she suffered instead.
"
"what's the light in that window i see?
it was made from a candlenut tree.
there it stands on a table
that's varnished in sable.
it's lovely. please find one for me?
"
"his music has rhythm and rhyme,
and it makes us feel happy?sublime.
hoagy carmichael's songs
seem to soothe all life's wrongs.
and i'm sure they will last through all time.
"
"here's a message from our advance guard.
it says the next village is charred!
the rebels marched through it?
there's nothing left to it?
i'm angry to see it so scarred.
"
"what's this island? it has a warm breeze,
four peninsulas, mountains, and trees.
indonesia lays claim
to this island. its name?
it's celebes. let's visit there, please?
"
"see that chab? he's been pecking away
at my favorite tree every day.
he is looking for bugs?
things like beetles, not slugs?
but my tree's showing signs of decay.
"
"i will caretake your churchyard with care.
i'll be sure that no weed will grow there.
i will shovel and rake
and will piously take
special care of this garden of prayer.
"
"the dentist once told me, ""beware!
your teeth really give me a scare.
they're cavitary, quite,
my dearest miss wright,
so please try to brush with more care!""
"
"on the ramparts, there is a casern:
a room to which soldiers can turn
when in need of a rest.
it's the place they like best
in the fort, when to bed they adjourn.
"
"if your muscles are having a spasm,
or your stitched wound was wide as a chasm,
a poultice will heal
all the pain that you feel:
what you need is a warm cataplasm.
"
"acepromazine's useful to vets
for sedating excitable pets?
horses, dogs, and cats too
(people? never for you!)?
or when heart pain or nausea besets.
"
"with my paper and pens i'm equipped
to write beautiful, fine, fancy script.
i think i'll use pink-
hued calligraphy ink?
oops! i must start again! that page ripped!
"
"""ah-choo!"" (that's me sneezing.) ""ah-choo!""
i'm allergic to smokers. are you?
that thick, toxic smoke
makes me cough, wheeze, and choke!
if you've had some, please suck a cachou!
"
"the pointed capuche the monk wore
was unlike any hood seen before.
it had rhinestones that dangled;
with gems it was spangled.
'twas odd for capuchin decor!
"
"i'll briefly attest that this word
is so short that it's almost absurd.
it's quick, it's concise,
and in speeches it's nice.
it's terse, it's compact, it's preferred.
"
"so your cat has distemper? how sad!
just the thought of it makes me feel bad!
your cat has a fever,
and you'll be a griever?
if you don't put him down, he'll go mad!
"
"eric carle writes a lot of kids' books,
then draws pictures to give them good looks.
if your children can read,
on these books they can feed
in their favorite book-reading nooks.
"
"we are camping in winter?oh, brrr!
the snow on our tent's thick as fur.
hope you've brought some canned heat
to cook hot food to eat?
we have water-logged logs, as it were.
"
"in the winter (with cold blowing snow)
on my bed, canton flannel sheets throw.
i stay snuggled up warm
while outside howls the storm.
i am glad i have no place to go!
"
"i'm certainly sure i like candy,
and i'm certain silk stockings are dandy.
i am  certainly tall?
i am not small at all.
i'm sure certain's a word that is handy!
"
"dice a celery stalk for beef stew?
it's for stuffing and casseroles, too.
and it's certain to please
when it's filled with cream cheese
or with smooth peanut butter for you!
"
"cedar waxwing's a beautiful bird,
and his tail's yellow-tipped, we've concurred.
his head bears a crest;
he likes red berries best.
he's majestic, i give you my word.
"
"you must quit! put an end to it! cease!
you must stop! do not stalk my dear niece!
she's a child i adore!
if you follow her more,
i will certainly call the police!
"
"if you're yawning a cavernous yawn,
then a roomful of yawns you may spawn.
but if your mouth you cover,
you soon may discover
the yawning contagion is gone.
"
"york and lancaster chose as their flower
the rose, sign of grandeur and power.
but the dear old queen mother
selected another?
the camellia adorned her last hour.
"
"my husband went with me one day
to the buffalo river to  play.
as we were canoeing,
i started boo-hooing?
my oar had just floated away!
"
"alocasias are grown by my aunts,
and with one of those tropical plants
sporting leaves like a heart,
they'd reluctantly part
if you sent them a modest advance.
"
"in argentine culture of yore,
the aguada tribes lived, and what's more,
they made copper and bronze
things, like vases and swans,
and some pottery people adore.
"
"i have on my heel a monstrosity
that i think is an awful atrocity.
this tough hardened skin
causes constant chagrin.
it's what doctors have dubbed a callosity.
"
"the girl strikes a dissonant chord
on the piano. it can't be ignored.
her instructor says, ""halt!
i don't mean to find fault,
but more practice, you well can afford.""
"
"capicola's a meat in the deli?
ham seasoned with spices quite smelly.
though my nose may retreat,
i still like it to eat,
since it's really a treat for my belly!
"
"you're my cariad (darling), sweet dove!
you're  my cariad, girlfriend i love!
and i am, to you,
your cariad, too?
your boyfriend, whom you are proud of!
"
"there's microsoft?software's their game?
and chrysler's a big auto name.
blue-chip companies are
quite well known, wide and far?
making billions, their number one aim.
"
"her chalon was so threadbare and thin
that the night air felt cold on her skin.
she tried hard not to weep
as she curled up to sleep?
she was homeless, and winter pressed in.
"
"i was angling one day from a barge,
when i caught a fish, fleshy and large.
when i questioned, ""what's that?""
captain said, ""channel cat!
now let's fry it to eat, free of charge.""
"
"large handfuls kept passing my lips?
those decadent, rich chocolate chips!
i should have baked treats
for my kids. now those sweets
have gone straight from my lips to my hips!
"
"a bugbear's a make-believe ghost,
kind o' scarecrow that's used, as the host
to frighten a child
who acts rudely, and wild?
scares him into behaving, at most.
"
"what's this rash on my skin that i see?
inflammation is bothering me.
all these brownish-red bumps
in a line?little lumps?
and it might be a form of hep-b.
"
"the cheerleader flips down the field.
all of those in her way better yield!
she cartwheels so fast
she's here, now she's past,
you can't see that her tummy's revealed!
"
"that pilot knows how to chandelle.
it's a stunt he can execute well.
as the plane climbs, it's spinning;
the pilot is grinning!
if i were inside, i would yell!
"
"reading chorally? reading as one?
when in first grade you may think it's fun
to read loud from a page
with some others your age,
and you'll know the words well when you're done.
"
"while carving a turkey one day,
my carving knife slipped right away.
it fell on the floor,
and slid out the door.
it's so dull now, it only carves clay.
"
"the casque has no visor, it seems,
so the knight's face shows clearly. she dreams
he rides quickly away
to the sunset and day
becomes night. on his helmet, moon gleams.
"
"a canoeist, one bright summer day
took his boat to the river to play.
when the wobbly craft flipped,
in the water he dipped
and the fright made his hair all turn gray.
"
"so you chain smoke one after another,
'til it's choking your sister and brother?
better quit! you could die.
i'm not telling a lie:
it could ruin your lungs and you'll smother!
"
"what is making your longhorns feel sick?
it's a nasty brown bug: cattle tick.
he'll leave you a griever?
bring convulsions and fever.
you'd better get rid of him quick!
"
"it's a callathump! hear the loud clang?
hear the shouts as the pots and pans bang?
see the new groom and bride
side by side, full of pride?
""let us sleep! go away!"" they harangue.
"
"to the rodeo, ken and i went
to see calf roping. what an event!
with their lassoes they'd bind
the calves' feet, fore and hind,
in the quickest time they could present.
"
"this word is as worthless as fleas!
it means bearing (producing) box-trees
(kind of small, always green).
what's the word that i mean?
it's buxiferous. ain't that a tease?
"
"charlie chaplin's an actor of fame
from the silent film era. he came
to do ""talkies"" much later,
but as mime, he was greater.
he puts modern acting to shame.
"
"in the cellblock the word quickly spread:
a lifer is gone?been shot dead!
i am sporting a frown
'cause the joint is locked down,
and the guards give me feelings of dread.
"
"since i know cayenne peppers are hot,
i really don't like them a lot.
though their juice burns my hand,
all my sons think they're grand,
but it makes their breath smelly, like rot!
"
"i heated a large chafing dish
for a banquet. it warmed up the knish,
'til the sterno ran out?
then i wanted to pout,
'cause the knish dish grew cold as a fish!
"
"calf liver! my favorite! it's great!
i love to find some on my plate!
with onions it's neat;
with some ketchup it's sweet
and low fat?now i'm watching my weight!
"
"alleghenies: the place i call home,
where the forests are rich with dark loam;
and the views here are pretty,
not like in the city.
from this place i never shall roam.
"
"with its algarobilla, mesquite
gives us sweet pulpy pods that are neat.
they are used when we dye
and tan leather, and i
wear mesquite-pod-dyed shoes on my feet.
"
"if dad were to make some cement,
then a mixer is what he would rent.
adding water and sand,
he might do as i've planned:
pour a basement right under my tent!
"
"rich chocolate candy is fine?
especially when it is mine!
it's a wonderful treat
that's indulgently sweet,
and the dark kind is really divine!
"
"some chessmen i played with last night,
on a chess board with squares black and white,
were hand carved. the queens' faces
my memory embraces?
they sure were a beautiful sight.
"
"this chocolate bar is delicious,
and eating it now seems propitious!
though it isn't quite fair,
i had better beware
'cause this candy bar isn't nutritious!
"
"i am not city born, city bred,
not champagne and not caviar fed.
i was born on a farm
that has pastoral charm,
and the city life fills me with dread!
"
"the wolf drew his breath in quite chuffily.
all angry and mean, he blew huffily.
he was monstrous and burly,
and hateful and surly,
when he blew the pig's house in so puffily.
"
"chrysanthemums chase away gloom
in your home with each large, showy bloom.
purple, crimson, and white,
or in yellow hues bright?
put a vibrant bouquet in each room!
"
"carriwitchet: a quibble or pun,
a riddle?now isn't this fun?
it could be a hoax
(come on, folks, these aren't jokes)
but now this silly limerick's done.
"
"you needed to stick to the plan
when your terrible headache began:
though there's help for your migraine
from fungus on rye grain?
you forgot to take cafergot, man.
"
"i must fix my log cabin, i'm thinking,
'cause it seems that the logs are unlinking.
there are holes in the walls
of my bedrooms and halls.
i must chink since the chinking is shrinking.
"
"that horse is a real thoroughbred.
see him chak now? he tosses his head
since his bridle and bit
really don't seem to fit
and they're making the stallion see red.
"
"i like to watch cows on the range?
the brahmas have humps that look strange.
show me guernsey and angus
and holstein and wangus,
but don't show me cattle with mange!
"
"a bablatrice, that's what you are.
you babble from near and from far!
you just go on and on,
on and on, on and on
like an out-of-control racing car!
"
"i have heard alfenide's  an alloy
certain companies wish to employ
to make jewelry or wire?
or melt down in a fire
if this compound they wish to destroy.
"
"the chameleon has camouflage?he
can blend in with a rock or a tree.
he crawls through the thickets?
eats locusts and crickets?
his tongue beats his body by three!
"
"what's this beautiful insect i see
resting here, on my favorite tree?
it has wings red and black
and its larvae will snack
on some ragwort, their safe guarantee!
"
"amos: the prophet who speaks
to all israel, as god's face he seeks.
he warns how god judges
as onward he trudges
with boldness, for many long weeks.
"
"the chronicles: two bible books
likely written by ezra. it looks
like the books of the kings
have omitted some things,
so the chronicles fill in the nooks.
"
"the cider last autumn was sweet,
and the way that we made it was neat:
we took apples uphill
to the old cider mill.
they were squeezed in a press. what a treat!
"
"just after my seventh divorce,
i began to feel bitter remorse.
so i joined with a church?
left my sins in the lurch?
i'm enjoying my new change of course.
"
"see the cows as they chomp and they bite,
and they chud on their cud on the height?
standing there on the hill,
they will give you a thrill?
they're a farmer's most favorite sight!
"
"""i will cizar your hair,""  my mom said.
""just don't move, or you'll wish you were dead.
if my scissors should slip,
they will take out a chip
of your skull and leave scars on your head!""
"
"my opal ring gives me enjoyment,
since its colors change?that's called chatoyment.
i am feeling quite blue:
i must sell it to you
to buy food, since i've lost my employment.
"
"what's a chambrel? the hock of a horse
or a cow or a deer, says my source.
it is also a frame
butchers use for the same
so fresh meat can become your main course!
"
"you're divorced, and you find that the court
has required that you pay child support,
that is, funds that supply
all your kids need to buy,
so their clothing and food won't run short.
"
"blocking in's a technique used in art,
where most drawings and paintings must start.
roughly sketching the lines
and the shapes and designs
before painting's incredibly smart.
"
"your outfit is chichi! it's mod!
you should wear that when you go abroad!
it's so trendy, it's great!
i must buy one?can't wait!
just the sight of it makes me feel awed!
"
"calando!  play that phrase calando!
this song is a waltz, not a rondo!
your tempo must slow
and the volume must go
way down low for the concert in hondo!
"
"my cake pan looks old and forlorn;
its surface is all scratched and worn.
but when i bake a cake
and i start to partake,
you would think that old pan was reborn.
"
"the acsi was designed
to keep small christian schools intertwined
in a fellowship where
they're devoted to prayer
and to study with those of like mind.
"
"that warm cinnamon roll smells just fine,
and this morning, for breakfast, it's mine!
it has raisins and dough
and some cinnamon, so
its sweet flavor is really divine!
"
"he had flown a-4 skyhawks, that jock,
and his nerves were as steady as rock.
but since dropping some bombs
that have killed kids and moms
his career has been blown?he's in shock.
"
"for my faith i will make no apology,
since i'm sure god is more than mythology.
i'll defend my belief?
in my life, it is chief!
i was raised with a christian theology.
"
"channel bass is a fish that's delicious!
it's healthy, low fat, and nutritious.
it's size just astounds?
it can weigh ninety pounds,
but be careful! those fins can be vicious!
"
"the circus is coming to town,
with elephants, chimps, and a clown!
lion tamers so brave,
i will clap, stomp, and wave.
hope the acrobat doesn't fall down!
"
"have you seen the night lights of the city?
from an airplane, they surely look pretty!
hustle-bustle below
is all lost in the glow,
and the skyscrapers look itty-bitty.
"
"just look at his cize! my, what bulk!
he is larger, by far, than the hulk!
anyone who would dare
to give him a scare
will end up in a corner to sulk!
"
"cider vinegar's used when i cook
to make dressings and sauces, and look?
this stuff really tickles
my taste buds with pickles
i make from my recipe book!
"
"he puffed on a long cigarette,
just as smelly as smokers can get.
he asked, ""please be my wife?""
i said, ""not on your life,
'cause your secondhand smoke's a death threat.""
"
"some ciderkin's what we will make
from the leftover cider mash. take
all the skins, cores, and seeds?
now a worm's all it needs?
boil in water, then strain and partake.
"
"on my paper i see them, in red?
many check marks. i wish that instead
i'd prepared for my test,
but i didn't. i guessed.
facing father now fills me with dread.
"
"you stop chomping that gum near my ear,
or a price will be paid, daughter dear.
if i hear it again,
you will wish you had been
more polite, when i paddle your rear!
"
"it's malaysian, this relish, acar,
and its veggies make this dish a star?
pickled carrots and chilis
and cabbage. it's millie's
most favorite side dish, by far.
"
"cimetidine soothes gassy tums
for children and daddies and mums.
this drug has great fame
with the tagamet name.
it will help, if your tummy succumbs.
"
"use a circle graph, i would advise,
to show subsets of different size.
for each part of your whole,
see its relative role
writ with thick or thin pieces of pies.
"
"the check girl had taken my coat
at this fancy soiree, on a boat.
when i got the coat back,
it was all out of whack,
'cause a goat had my coat by the throat!
"
"i'm a ciderist! that's a provider
of a sweet apple juice that's called cider.
bring your apples to me
for a juice-squeezing spree?
then we'll drink 'til our bellies feel wider!
"
"the cacao moth?this is my quest:
to get rid of the horrible pest!
it eats dried cocoa beans,
and tobacco, and greens,
and it's making me feel quite depressed!
"
"an ampliative thought's an addition
to something you know. your cognition
is stretched far beyond
what your teacher has spawned
in your brain's small and grey composition!
"
"you're abnegative, dismal, denying
of anything good. you keep sighing.
your life's all awry.
you've a tear in your eye.
though you're healthy, you act like you're dying.
"
"cardin's a designer whose name
in the fashion world wins him acclaim
for designs futuristic?
complex to simplistic,
and no two creations the same.
"
"it's complex. i can't figure it out.
it's intricate; keeps me in doubt.
it's interconnected.
it's quite unexpected.
it's puzzling. what is it about?
"
"i write records and books that will last,
and my choices for subjects are vast?
epic narrative tales,
or the hunt for large whales?
i'm a chronicler, charting the past.
"
"a chambrel's  a roof with two slopes.
it's a route for a girl who elopes.
but the lower slope's steeper?
could be a grim reaper?
for her safety, she'll need some strong ropes!
"
"corned beef is a favorite of mine;
it's been pickled and cured in salt brine.
it has flavor and dash
when it's served as a hash,
and with cabbage it's really divine.
"
"when my bare feet are feeling the chill
as i'm herding the cows o'er the hill,
i will find fresh cow poo
(or a ""cow pie""), walk through,
and the warmth  gives my cold feet a thrill.
"
"in my grandmother's garden, they grow
as a border, a bright fragrant row.
they look lovely in june
in the late afternoon
as an un-common four-o'clock show!
"
"a clockface: a functional widget
containing each hourly digit
from twelve down to one?
only forward, my son?
as the hands pass each number, you fidget!
"
"grate cabbage and onions up fine,
then add dressing. to make it, combine
mayo, milk, celery seed,
pepper, sugar. you need
to make cole slaw to eat when you dine!
"
"in the anteroom?there stands the bride,
with her father right there by her side.
in just a short while,
they will walk down the aisle
while the bridegroom awaits, full of pride.
"
"the fire left a cindery mess
on my yard and my house and my dress.
i'll try not to complain;
i have cleaned, but in vain.
i confess i feel excess distress.
"
"in tasmania are cider gum trees,
which are cross-pollinated by bees.
they can grow very quickly,
but their oils make bugs sickly.
they have lovely blue-green shaded leaves.
"
"i'm a church member. that means, in short,
that my church i'll attend and support.
i have taken this vow,
and i'm keeping it now,
and in my life this has great import.
"
"my white shirt is all covered with grime,
but i need it to wear the next time
that i go on a date.
i debate, ""what's its fate?""
i'll just wash it in chloride of lime.
"
"chop some chicken, add mayo, and mix
with diced onions and celery sticks;
toss in pepper and salt.
not a soul will find fault
with the salad you've chosen to fix!
"
"take some chicken and cheese (perhaps swiss)
for a sandwich you won't want to miss.
add tomato on bread,
then some mayo to spread,
and some lettuce. for lunch, this is bliss!
"
"a cherry tree grows in my yard
bearing fruit that is bitter and hard.
my tree gives me fits
since its fruit is the pits
and its flavor will catch you off guard!
"
"in the wild west, where churches were rare,
he would come riding in on his mare.
all those near would surround
him to hear his profound
words of faith, and his hallow?d prayer.
"
"ammizabad: son of the guy
on whom david had learned to rely:
benaiah, the chief
of the troops whose belief
in their god was their strongest ally.
"
"you've chicaned me, you miserable twit!
what you told me just wasn't legit!
you made me believe,
with intent to deceive?
now you'd better run, lickety split!
"
"your acerbitude fills me with dread!
your harshness, your stern shaking head!
i am always afraid
of your sour masquerade,
so quite softly around you i tread!
"
"please keep cornflakes away from my bowl!
they are not what i like, on the whole.
if you don't eat them quickly,
they're mushy and sickly,
while crunchy's the ultimate goal.
"
"any rumor i hear i'll confute,
and i find this a worthy pursuit;
to expose any lies
(all untruths, any size)
is what earns me an honest repute.
"
"there's one on your old vcr,
and some 'neath the hood of your car.
cables less than ten inches
make perches for finches.
small cablets are found near and far.
"
"while most cordovox music is loud,
i like it. it makes me feel proud
when i watch my friend play
(the accordian way)
to a waltzing or polka-ing crowd.
"
"my close circle of friends is my clique,
and our minds, we are certain to speak.
we will phone just to chat,
or describe a new hat,
or encourage, or gently critique.
"
"it's a town in northwestern pa,
and i lived there for many a day:
corry's my favorite town,
and when i'm feeling down,
i go back there to tell my friends, ""hey!""
"
"they are creepy! they're crawly! they're gross!
i would rather they didn't come close!
they commit heinous crimes
in my lemons and limes?
citrus mealybugs make me morose!
"
"these  marsh-dwelling, fish-eating birds
are, to birddom, absurd looking nerds.
spoonbills, herons, and storks
have unwebbed feet, like forks.
when i view them, my heart has no words.
"
"when i'm having a late-luncheon meal,
a club sandwich has tasty appeal.
with some lettuce and meats,
cheese and other nice treats,
and three pieces of toast, it's ideal!
"
"charmeress: temptress; girl charmer,
like one wooed by a knight in his armor,
or by guys at the dance
who are seeking romance,
or by sweet billy bob?he's a farmer.
"
"cincinnati, ohio, is great!
it's the third largest town in the state.
there's a garden and zoo
and a river-walk, too!
will you take me there next time we date?
"
"i went down to the cooper's small store
to inquire if he'd make me some more
wooden barrels and kegs
to hold pickles and eggs
and supplies and provisions galore.
"
"a conundrum's a puzzle or riddle
with which your brain's likely to fiddle
for quite a long while.
it's confusing in style
and it might keep you all in a twiddle.
"
"my favorite footwear's  bare feet.
i think farmyard aromas are sweet.
i'm a country gal! i
breathe pollution-free sky
as i gaze upon fields of ripe wheat.
"
"if your faith you would wish to renew,
and to holiness values stay true,
join a near congregation
of the denomination
that we call the cccu.
"
"please don't make me a coconut cake?
it's the worst kind of cake you could bake!
i think coconut's icky!
you think i am picky?
why don't you go jump in the lake!
"
"chub mackerel's tail goes swish-swish.
this fish is a good dinner dish.
it is smaller in size
and has  much larger eyes
than atlantic-type mackerel fish.
"
"cajamarca: a place in peru
with high altitude; dry climate, too.
its cheese and hot springs
are just some of the things
that make me want to visit, it's true!
"
"a library building is where
they lend books that all people can share.
they can read them and then
bring them right back again?
circulating them only seems fair.
"
"that song is melodious and sweet!
it's tuneful, it's chantant, it's neat!
it's wonderfully clever.
forget it? no, never!
the beat moves my soul and my feet!
"
"my new car's so compact and so small
that it's perfect to take to the mall:
if the parking lot's packed,
like a balancing act,
i squeeze in 'tween the sidewalk and wall!
"
"a prison is meant to confine
those who've crossed the thin boundary line
of what's legal or not.
now those felons have got
only water and bread when they dine.
"
"pennsylvania has an old law
that it should, from its records, withdraw:
do not sleep on the top
of  a fridge. it's banned! stop!
when i think of such laws, i guffaw!
"
"my daughter has coloring books
with animals, people, and brooks.
she uses bright hues,
like reds, greens, and blues,
to give all those pictures good looks.
"
"if rice isn't your cup of tea,
throw some birdseed, and soon you will see
that some extra guests fly
to your wedding! just try!
i know, 'cause it happened for me.
"
"i'm a single conservative, mate,
and i'm picky about whom i'll date.
so if we should dine,
i'll decline to drink wine,
and you must have me home before eight.
"
"a chamfret's a groove or a gutter
or furrow to hold peanut butter
(on celery so fine,
it's that deep center line).
this snack sets my heart all aflutter!
"
"with my asthma, i'm puffin' quite huffily,
and i'm wheezin' and chuffin' most puffily.
and if that's not enough,
when i'm totin' my stuff,
i am puffin' and huffin' all chuffily.
"
"definitions i wish to compose,
but i'd rather write limericks than prose.
when it's all said and done,
it just seems like more fun
to express in five lines what one knows.
"
"consumables: things that we use,
such as juice or some gum or a fuse,
or some oil or some gas,
or some foil or some glass,
or some pepsi or pancakes or screws.
"
"this eurasian plant has white flowers
and leaves that have sneeze-making powers
when crushed to a powder?
they'll make you sneeze louder
than anything else in my bowers.
"
"there's a beautiful town in peru?
it's a large and important port too!
in this city historic
i feel most euphoric.
let's visit callao (me and you)!
"
"an onion's an awesome creation,
possessing unique circination:
its layers, i've found,
are concentric and round,
and i view them with great fascination!
"
"have you heard of the old chambered tombs?
they are gravesites that have many rooms.
with your relatives, share
where you lie in death there.
phew! imagine the family fumes!
"
"cimolite: soft, earthy clay
full of minerals. whitish or gray,
it was used to make pipes
for tobacco, the types
ancient indians thought were okay.
"
"he's a civvy, so he's not a sailor?
a uniform he'll never tailor!
a soldier, he's not,
nor an airman. (he's got
chronic asthma, and needs an inhaler!)
"
"southern chess tarts are just a bit funny;
their recipes differ now, honey!
mine, like sweet pecan pies,
are a feast for the eyes?
but now don't underbake! they'll be runny!
"
"venezuelan maize pancakes are great!
i'd like to have some on a plate,
made with fresh corn. add cheese,
serve with cream if you please.
cook cachapas tonight for your date!
"
"chlor-trimeton: that's what i take
when my runny nose keeps me awake;
when i snuffle and sneeze
and, from hay fever, wheeze,
and my eyes itch and water and ache.
"
"you've earned many fine accolades, son.
i commend you for work that's well done.
you've my honor and praise
for the rest of my days,
and in my book, you're second to none!
"
"caffeinic refreshments are  best,
and they help when i'm feeling depressed:
drinks like coffee or tea
or some pepsi. oh, whee!
i've had so much that now i can't rest.
"
"your pimple! it's far from concealable
(that means hide-able) ? but it is heal-able.
if you'll keep your skin clean,
you will see what i mean;
then your zit won't be such a big deal-able.
"
"it's a compliment if i say that
i adore your new blue feathered hat,
and your shoes and your dress.
you'll feel flattered, i guess,
if i mention your hat when we chat.
"
"noodle soup! i feel better already!
i find its aroma is heady.
when i'm sick or just blue,
comfort foods get me through,
along with my favorite teddy.
"
"my husband likes his coffee black,
and with cookies it makes a good snack.
but with sugar and milk,
it slides down smooth as silk?
mine has flavor the black seems to lack.
"
"in grandmother's garden, there grows
a broad-leaved plant blooming in rose,
salmons, crimsons, and reds.
with  dianthus in beds,
china pinks put on marvelous shows.
"
"chautauqua lake's located near
to the place i grew up. it is here
many tourists will flock
for a swim or a walk
or to dock at the institute's pier.
"
"a nonsensical, ludicrous word?
maybe codswallop. yes, it's absurd!
it means ""nonsense""?what fun!
i'll be sure not to shun
such great codswallop! it is preferred!
"
"these cowboy boots here on my feet
help protect me from prickly mesquite.
made from leather, they're tough,
so they'll last long enough,
and without them i'd feel incomplete.
"
"my favorite blue coffee cup
is empty, so please fill it up!
now add to your mug
milk and sugar. i'll hug
you for serving these drinks when we sup!
"
"a chrysler and plymouth and dodge
are all parked here in front of my lodge,
and they're better, by far,
than an ugly ford car,
or the chevy that's in the garage.
"
"all these cakes! white and chocolate and spice,
apple, angel food, carrot?how nice!
then there's devil's food, coffee,
red velvet, and toffee?
i'll savor each sugary slice!
"
"you've been sent here while you convalesce
from your stroke?we will help ease your stress.
as you work your weak arm
we will keep you from harm,
and we pray you will quickly progress.
"
"my boston brown bread is just neat?
i use walnuts and raisins so sweet,
and molasses (the dark).
then i hear you remark,
""it's a hearty and tempting taste treat!""
"
"""cabassous eat termites and ants,
and they burrow near rainforest plants.
it's a species nocturnal,""
i wrote in my journal.
""its tail's naked! where are its pants?""
"
"a hot cup of joe's all i need?
some caffeine! my addiction i'll feed!
to the coffee bar, now!
i will make it, somehow,
and my stress will begin to recede!
"
"when i'm browsing my atlas collection,
and i can't quite recall what direction
that place is from there,
compass roses show where,
so it's easy to see the connection.
"
"to corinthians, paul wrote each letter
that tells us how we can live  better.
as we share faith and love,
we are blessed from above,
if we choose to throw off sin's dark fetter.
"
"my kids and i share a vitality
for life, and a certain frugality
of funds, and green eyes,
and we love pumpkin pies?
this and more gives us all commonality.
"
"a farmer from rome (contadino)
had harvested grapes to make vino.
but he just couldn't wait
for the wine to taste great,
so it's grapejuice he shipped off to reno.
"
"he was diagnosed when an adult,
and the onset was partly his fault.
he was quite overweight
and his stress level great?
diabetes, the awful result.
"
"she sees little bugs on the wall!
she thinks there's a troll in the hall!
the doctor will fix it?
i hope he can nix it.
abs is the cause of it all!
"
"he's little and fuzzy and grey
and australian. while lounging all day,
this marsupial eats
eucalyptus leaf treats.
""cute coala, i wish we could play!""
"
"all my students think co-education
is a reason for great celebration.
they wink and they smirk
while they're doing class work.
what a difference from my generation!
"
"you're a copycat! why is it you
like to mimic each thing that i do?
it's annoying, you aper?
i'm tired of this caper!
now kindly move out of my view!
"
"in the mall there's a concourse (a hall)
where a concourse of folks sometimes brawl.
when the great crowd is done,
it is no longer fun,
as they crawl down the hall at the mall.
"
"a cordelle is a rope that you use
when you're towing a boat that you choose,
like an old garbage barge
that is hefty and large,
or a yacht or some sloops or canoes.
"
"conestoga's a town in pa.
it's a great place to settle, they say.
and it's where, i've discovered,
they made wagons (cloth-covered)
that settlers once rode far away.
"
"i'm not an adept chef or cook,
but some recipes i undertook
to cook turned out great?
like the hot turkey plate,
which i found in my cookery book!
"
"overhead i can hear a loud clump
(that's a noise like a thump or a bump)!
something's up in my attic,
and i find it traumatic,
since even a mouse makes me jump!
"
"old blue eyes canorously crooned,
and the ladies, enchanted, all swooned.
there's no doubt he could sing;
when he paired up with bing,
every girl in america mooned.
"
"with my hula-hoop, i'll  circumgyre
'til i feel like my hips are on fire!
though i'm tired, i'll persist;
i will gyrate and twist
'til i'm rid of that awful spare tire.
"
"i think i will croak! my throat's sore!
there's a froggy in there, and what's more,
he has stolen my voice,
so i croak! i've no choice!
i will choke 'til i croak on the floor.
"
"at the airport, the claim agent said,
""what color's your bag? is it red?""
rob replied with a frown,
""it's not red, it's dark brown.
can you find it before time for bed?""
"
"i am asking the doctor to check
this cheloid scar here, on my neck.
often itchy, it's pink,
and i honestly think
that it looks like i've been in a wreck.
"
"the congregants there in the park
meet together for fun, on a lark.
but the ones at my church
meet to worship and search
how to light up a world that is dark.
"
"if you're conusant, meaning ""aware,""
then you're cognizant: fit to declare
to the judge that you're sane
(you are using your brain)
and you pray that the jury will care.
"
"she likes skyscrapers, malls, and fast cars.
raised with street lights, she's seldom seen stars.
she likes streets that are paved,
tinted hair that is waved.
she's a city girl, hanging 'round bars.
"
"what's a citess? a girl of the city
(don't know if she's homely or pretty).
it's not in the hills
where this gal gets her thrills,
but in town, where the air is all gritty.
"
"i belong to a clique with my hubby;
you may think us elitist and snubby,
but we'd much rather say,
as we laugh and we play,
we're not snubbing you, dear, we're just clubby.
"
"my piano's my baby. she's grand.
she's the prettiest thing in the land.
though others are bigger,
her short, curvy figure
gives me all of the sound i demand.
"
"my cofounders helped me to start
a place to enlighten your heart.
much coffee was perked
as together we worked.
the result? this museum of art.
"
"see the wine and unleavened bread there;
on the table they're placed with much care.
sweet communion we find?
a pure heart, peace of mind?
in the lord's supper this day we share.
"
"the gray rubber boa's a snake
that i saw way out west, near a lake.
it was smallah and slowah
than others termed boa,
but its rubbery skin made me quake!
"
"a clipsheet, it can't be denied,
is printed on only one side
so that if you would choose
to clip coupons or news,
the reverse side has nothing to hide.
"
"in a small scottish town with two streams,
just beyond the next hill, so it seems,
there's a church made of stone,
but for you, it's unknown
since this clachan exists in my dreams.
"
"you're feeling compunctious and sad,
full of sorrow for smacking your dad.
now he's very upset,
and you're filled with regret.
your dad's mad and you're sad; you feel bad.
"
"my plans for quick wealth were aborted,
wrested out of my hands?just abstorted,
when your burglar alarm
caused the cops to disarm
me. my plans to get rich were all thwarted.
"
"the african bird called the coly
is mouse-like (perhaps even moley).
its gray-brown shade varies;
it eats fruits and berries.
it scurries and seldom moves slowly.
"
"this large bed may not have glitz or bling,
but it's bigger than most any thing.
you can roll side-to-side
and not bother your bride
in a huge california king.
"
"the pipes are so slow to my sink
that they must be cloomed up. so i think,
""what is causing this clog?
could it be a dead frog,
or some hair or some grease or a skink?""
"
"i must categorize every lim,
though my brain feels all dusty and dim,
so when visitors search,
they're not left in the lurch:
through our website they'll rapidly skim.
"
"to put words side-by-side (such as slack off)
is to collocate (try the phrase back off).
many go hand-in-hand:
wedding band, witness stand,
barbie doll, rocking chair, perhaps hack off.
"
"convalescence is boring at best;
you recuperate, get well, and rest.
and while some like it fine,
it makes me want to whine?
lack of action just makes me feel stressed.
"
"when you're playing at ombre, for fun,
you may find you've a hand that has won.
you can throw down your cards,
give your pals your regards,
shout ""codille! i have won!"" then you're done.
"
"my son's room was a mess, i confess,
and it caused me to feel excess stress,
'til i said to him, ""promptly
clean up!"" so he comptly
cleaned up and then made a new mess.
"
"all the key rings on billy bob's belt
just jingle and jangle and pelt
his legs and behind.
billy bob doesn't mind
copoclephily raising a welt.
"
"a climbing plant's likely a vine
like the type you pluck grapes from for wine;
long lianas swing through;
poison ivy's taboo;
trumpet vine, bougainvillaea are fine!
"
"to remove all the scum and the grub
from your beautiful porcelain tub,
use a cleanser and sponge
to apply to that grunge,
and then rub-a-dub-dub as you scrub.
"
"wild rumors are just what you savor;
you chit-chat and gossip and claver.
you tear others down
'til we wish you'd leave town.
your tongue-wagging's earned you disfavor.
"
"i am  colubrine: cunning and sly;
crafty and snakelike am i.
i am clever and slick,
quick to play a fast trick.
i am wily and guileful, but why?
"
"you're a nursing assistant, it's true,
and you're certified. here's what you do:
give a bath, make a bed,
see that sick folks are fed...
tell me, what would we do without you?
"
"billy bob clomb a tree way up high
'cause he wanted a piece of the sky,
but all he found there
was a handful of air.
he's a pie-in-the-sky kind of guy.
"
"corrodibility answers the question
""how fast will it rust?"" one suggestion:
put some things in the rain,
see if they will sustain
rusty marks. don't be dumb! use discretion!
"
"if you're wishing to dress with finesse,
try an indian fabric: cabesse.
it's a silk, very fine
and expensive?a sign
that's it's soft as a gentle caress.
"
"if in business your goal you achieve,
we would say that you've cheved, i believe.
in fact, any success
that brings you happiness
is the the thing that you cheve, i perceive.
"
"at oedilf, that fun limerick site,
i write poetry all through the night.
then when morning comes 'round?
can you guess what i've found?
i want bedtime, but now it is light!
"
"the bc is a church of great piety,
called ""tunkers"" in old-time society,
with wesleyan roots
and peaceful pursuits.
they are models of christian propriety.
"
"this connecticut guy is a yankee
in the court of king arthur. not swanky,
he wows all the knights
with inventions, and fights
all the evil with much hanky-panky.
"
"billy bob lost his prize-winning cow,
and his sister gives solace, somehow?
as she brings cakes and pies,
billy no longer cries.
she's his comfortress, soothing with chow.
"
"akitas are dogs from japan
that are commonly brown, white and tan.
it's important to note
they've a very thick coat,
so please brush them each day if you can.
"
"at work there's a loud conclamation,
by  strikers, that's long in duration.
some want better wages
and new contract pages,
but me? i would like more vacation.
"
"the cheslip's a wood louse that seems
to invade my most horrible dreams,
but this ugly creation
is just a crustacean
that dwells in dead wood along streams.
"
"almost all educators agree
they despise what we call ayp;
it supposedly shows
just what every child knows
and if each school is all it should be.
"
"when you hit them together, they're clinkers,
and they're heavy; to lift, they are stinkers.
but with purplish hues,
they are lovely to use?
clinker bricks are preferred by brick chinkers.
"
"the clupeid families of fish
include shads, sardines, herrings?swish, swish!
using echolocation
this cool fish creation
makes ultrasound noises?capish?
"
"bm is a b-minor chord,
or a bachelor of music award,
but it also may be
bach. of medicine degree,
or a diaper's most odorous hoard.
"
"a roman compluvium's where
a roof-hole admits light and air,
and rainwater too
is collected for you
in the peristyle's basin that's there.
"
"hear the conga drums playing their song!
they resound through my brain like a gong!
with deep sounds they're endowed?
yes, they're terribly loud,
thumping bong-a-bong, bong-a-bong, bong!
"
"as kids, we were filled with frivolity,
and knew nothing of things like air quality,
which we now call aq.
we've grown up, me and you,
so let's clean up the air by our polity.
"
"edgar bergen: ventriloquist famed
for his puppet, a dummy that's named
mccarthy (that's charlie),
who's totally gnarly.
for this he was highly acclaimed.
"
"the factory down in the hollow,
beside the old buffalo wallow,
makes hand cleaner, but
belches soot, grime and smut
from its smokestack: it really makes collow.
"
"see that child? she is way above par,
and i'm sure her career will go far.
she can dance, she can sing,
she can act?anything!
one day soon she will be a big star.
"
"clancular: clandestine, concealed,
or hidden?so nothing's revealed?
obscure, out of sight?
like a spy in the night?
invisible, buried, and sealed.
"
"they're large, green, and spanish. you'll find
that there's rosemary mixed with this kind
of olives. they're sweet,
they're a taste-tempting treat,
they're araucos. eat mine! i don't mind.
"
"you can work for your room and your board?
you'll earn board wages. cut wood (a cord),
or start fixing the roof!
don't be lazy; don't goof?
food and shelter will be your reward.
"
"if your sweetheart you wish to entice,
then perhaps you will like some advice:
clavicembalo's neat
when it's played soft and sweet,
with a rhythm that's slow and precise.
"
"what's a clumber? a dog that's thick-set.
it has long, silky hair, nose that's wet,
stocky neck, spaniel breed?
just the pet my kids need,
the most lovable pup i've seen yet.
"
"white or rye, pumpernickel, or wheat,
boston brown or italian is neat.
bread is baked, maybe roasted;
my favorite's toasted?
with jam it's a wonderful treat!
"
"how i love a nice hot chicken liver!
just one bite sets my taste  buds a-quiver!
whether boiled or fried,
i could solely subside
on these treats! the delight makes me shiver!
"
"i will confiscate kids' cigarettes
at my house, though they make nasty threats.
since we wheeze, cough, and choke
in that thick, toxic smoke,
i just take them away, no regrets.
"
"the mountain before me is cragged
with cliffs and with rocks that are jagged.
i climb the steep track
with a pack on my back,
so my breathing is shallow and ragged.
"
"going crabbing, we're fishing for crab.
now i wonder how many we'll grab?
there's so many, i hear,
by the bay, at the pier,
we can make a crab salad that's fab!
"
"when you're feeding on bacon and bread,
you should add some tomato, it's said,
and some fresh lettuce, too!
what's the sandwich you chew?
blt's a great snack before bed!
"
"""there's more on the next page. just read.""
""court's adjourned. after lunch we'll proceed.""
if c-o-n-t-d
is the word that you see,
it's continued. see where it will lead.
"
"the corkwing's a species of wrasse,
fish that nest in thick seaweed and grass.
with a color-change dot
and a comma-shaped spot,
each has  beauty that's hard to surpass!
"
"as i swing on the porch with my fellow,
we've a feeling of peace; we are mellow.
few mosquitos will bite,
since my lovely bug light
bathes the porch in a glow that is yellow.
"
"i think that congealment is icky,
when gravy gels up and gets sticky.
nuking leftover meat
or potatoes to eat
can work out really neat; gravy's tricky!
"
"billy bob liked to bicycle jump,
but collided with yonder old stump.
now his tires are both flat.
he asks, ""how'd i do that?
guess i'll need me a bicycle pump.""
"
"the grease from my bicycle chain
has destroyed my white pants with a stain.
as i pedaled, they caught
in the gears?i forgot
to secure them. oh man, what a pain!
"
"the cornfloor is where they'd thrash corn
in the days long before i was born.
they would beat out the grain
'til no chaff would remain
and their muscles felt tired and worn.
"
"the chinese black mushroom's nutritious,
and many folks think it's delicious.
i've also heard rumors
it helps prevent tumors,
so eating it would be propitious.
"
"billy bob is a lout; he is clownish.
we hike upward while billy hikes downish.
that clumperton! he
is so silly to see!
he acts countryish shopping downtownish.
"
"billy bob tried to sweep up the coom
(soot and ashes) that dirtied his room.
but his sweeping, erratic,
caused far too much static,
and boom! billy bob met his doom!
"
"coccinella's a beetle with spots
you may find in your best flower pots.
but this ladybug's nice,
eating aphids and lice?
i love shiny red wings with black dots.
"
"one day i had pain in my chest,
and my ribs were so sore 'neath my breast,
to the doctor i went?
lots of money was spent?
this costalgia's a muscular pest!
"
"you are leathery-tough; you're tenacious,
but you're pliable too?coriaceous!
you show others compassion,
yet after a fashion
you're hard as a rock! goodness gracious!
"
"colugo: a mammal of night,
with extra long skin flaps for flight.
the trees have been banished,
his habitat's vanished;
endangerment now is his plight.
"
"your contemptibleness is amazing:
you throw rocks at the cows that are grazing!
you clipped my hen's beak,
so she's starving and weak,
and when we're raising barns, you're barn-razing!
"
"it's the coalman, delivering coal,
so the bin in my basement gets full,
so there's coal for my fire
to make the flames higher;
to keep my home warm is the goal.
"
"just listen! the train goes ""click-clack""!
get a ticket and travel the track
as it bumps all aroun'
through the country and town,
and then brings you click-clacking on back.
"
"a bn's a battalion of men
(that's five hundred or more) who can, then,
independent of others,
defend all their brothers,
before other units step in.
"
"some professors of aaup
kept on squabbling. they couldn't agree
on new rules for their schools,
so they all looked like fools.
who would guess they each have a degree?
"
"what's the bbbs? here's the scoop:
it's a boys and girls mentoring group
that can help troubled youth
(maybe rude or uncouth)
to get back in society's loop.
"
"doctor lee said, ""i'll bang on your knee,
but before that, i'll check your bp.""
how's my blood pressure? high
as the stars in the sky!
it's a bland, low-salt diet for me.
"
"in mid-state indiana you'll find
bsu has the best things in mind
to help you meet your whole
educational goal
if to excellence you are inclined.
"
"cxa is for talented folks
whose work  may acquire different strokes.
agents get them a start
at creating their art
for albums or ads?that's no hoax!
"
"when meat has been corned it's like beef
that's been pickled in brine. to be brief,
it has cured for three weeks
(though there's other techniques);
it's delicious beyond all belief!
"
"a cz's a construction zone, where
you'll find plenty of dust in the air,
while the workers get thrilled
by the stuff that they build,
like a home for a rich millionaire.
"
"william cody (that's buffalo bill)
brought incredible wild west show thrill.
things like sharp-shooting feats
and some trick-riding treats
showed us many a western-type skill.
"
"""cacamatzin! all hail, aztec king!""
in texcoco the nobles might sing,
""you were murdered for gold
by cortes, it is told?
oh the horrors that riches can bring!""
"
"they're just boys, all these brave new recruits,
lacing up those high, brown combat boots.
though their feet are protected
their limbs are neglected;
they're hoping no enemy shoots.
"
"near my couch, there's a square coffee table
that i love, tho' it's rather unstable
since one leg is too short,
so it's lacking support.
but i'll keep it as long as i'm able.
"
"you must learn all the note-names, okay?
you must practice the scales every day.
if you want to learn how
to play piano just now,
take some baby steps; you're on the way.
"
"serve this dip at your party! it's hip
on a pretzel or cracker or chip.
made with clams and cream cheese,
it is certain to please
every sailor who visits your ship.
"
"the cachi's a peak of great height
in the andes?a beautiful sight.
if you choose to look down
to its base, there's a town.
looking up, it is crowned with snow white.
"
"i know there's no simple solution
to our problem of worldwide pollution,
but by riding my bike
or taking a hike
i'm making a small contribution.
"
"your bookseller's backlist, i'm told,
lists the books that are classic or old.
not the new-published tomes
some may take to their homes,
but the titles your grandfather sold.
"
"she's tiny, and birdlike, and old,
with a heart that is spun of pure gold.
as homeward i skitter,
gram will chirpily twitter,
""zip your jacket! the weather is cold!""
"
"she dreamed of a collet of gold,
and she wondered which gem it would hold.
when he gave her that band,
as he asked for her hand,
would she find there an emerald bold?
"
"a crew member's part of a troupe,
as of shipmates all joined in a group,
who will then work together
whatever the weather.
a chef's crew might help make the soup!
"
"this cloth has a quilted motif
of a ladybug perched on a leaf.
this cloque is quite tiny,
embossed, somewhat shiny,
and lovely beyond all belief.
"
"my contemporaries live in my time.
near my age? maybe so?in their prime.
i might know them, or not.
are there many? a lot!
yes, the here and the now is sublime.
"
"in my wardrobe's a small concealed space
where i keep my best jewels and lace.
this copartment, you'll find,
with red velvet is lined.
it's my favorite secretive place.
"
"i am tired of redundant battology,
and sick of excess phraseology.
your vain repetition
can bring no fruition?
it's fruitless, this wordy tautology.
"
"if it's writing you wish to pursue,
or reporting's what you'd like to do,
get a bj degree?
though it's pricey, not free?
it will help all your dreams to come true.
"
"we march to a different drum,
so hells angels, watch out! here we come!
we are called cma,
we bring bibles and pray,
and our bikes are fine-tuned! hear them hum?
"
"in our youth, it was crayfish we'd seek?
when they'd pinch our wee toes, we would shriek!
under rocks and large stones
were the best crawdad zones,
as we played in the icy cold creek.
"
"now, soil that is clayey is dense,
and its moisture amount is immense.
it is not good for gardens?
it clumps up and hardens
around the plant roots and the fence.
"
"now, awlwort's a small water plant.
its blossoms are sure to enchant.
its family is mustard.
its leaves are all clustered
and awl-shaped (i'm told by my aunt).
"
"last august, my dc got stuck
in the atm. what rotten luck!
though i'd cry, bang, and shout,
i could not get it out.
now my debit card's left me amuck.
"
"a  ct scan is how doctors see
inside of your head or your knee
when they wish they could know
more than x-rays will show,
but of course they will charge a large fee!
"
"at the restaurant known as bk
you can have what you like every day;
order large fries with ease,
or king-sized, if you please?
it's the place where you ""have it your way.""
"
"i feel peaceful whenever i look
at this painting. a lake or a brook
has some deer at the side.
there are mountains so wide
and a waterfall back in a nook.
"
"i'm a dawdler. i simply won't hurry...
i refuse to be caught in the scurry
of life. i move slower
than you, friend... don't glower
at me. if we're late, what's the worry?
"
"after running all day in the heat,
they called, ""truce! we're, quite candidly, beat!""
now that huge brontosaur
guards the caveman's cave door.
they eat vegetables only?no meat.
"
"i dusted, i swept, and i mopped,
shopped at wal-mart, and then some wood chopped.
there's  no resting for me?
i'm a real busy bee?
i'll keep going until i have dropped.
"
"the church offering's called the collection,
and i feel it requires introspection:
for the preacher to live,
just how much should i give?
with a twenty i find no objection.
"
"my god is my advocate, friend,
a constant on whom i depend.
when i call on his name,
he is always the same?
he is dateless, without start or end.
"
"on one there's a picture of lamps,
while another has athletes?the champs.
there are some that are old
with the color of gold
in my mother's collection of stamps.
"
"one conveyor belt down at the store
can hold eight to ten items?no more.
but that line's not for me?
i buy bulk foods with glee,
so those quick check-out lanes i abhor.
"
"you are likely to find cousin jack
out back by the old garden shack,
where he locks up his bike
(while he goes for a hike)
at the sturdy grey bicycle rack.
"
"when you're near to cicuta, best curb
any urge for a taste of the herb.
it has roots that are vile,
and in a short while
your health it will badly disturb!
"
"you may note my conservativeness
by the choices i make when i dress:
i'll not wear a short skirt
or a belly-show shirt?
if i did i would surely regress.
"
"a stretch limousine, so it seems,
is beyond all of my wildest dreams,
as are millions of bucks,
and some gold-plated trucks,
since i try not to think in extremes.
"
"the arkansas black apple's small,
with a tart taste that's sure to enthrall,
and a purple-red hue?
almost black, to my view.
i will harvest some early next fall.
"
"convulsively shaking with laughter,
i hiccoughed and twitched, and then after
the laughing was done,
i said that my son
has never said anything dafter.
"
"when your bolts are of various sizes,
you should do what my grandpa advises:
""using more than one tool
makes you look like a fool,
but a crescent wrench no one despises.""
"
"another girl lives here with me,
but i'm tired of her dirt and debris.
since she's on my last nerve,
an eviction i'll serve?
soon my former cotenant she'll be.
"
"the chief of police is your pa,
so you think you're above all the law.
but sooner or later,
your dad will turn traitor,
and that, boy, will be your last straw.
"
"i give credit where credit is due,
and so now i'll give credit to you,
since i find, in my book,
you're the world's greatest cook?
i adore your tomato-beef stew!
"
"a cheapener's one who makes cheap
the value of something. my jeep
was cheapened when i
drove it through a pig sty?
all those scratches and dents make me weep!
"
"during good times or bad, there's no doubt
that disease control's what they're about;
they've got knowledge (a wealth)
for concerns of our health
that we likely would perish without!
"
"if you're conny, you're clever and smart.
your bravery's surely an art.
you're canny, you're fine,
and i think you're divine,
so you'll always remain in my heart!
"
"the bwa are an african tribe
in mali. they're tough to describe:
they grow food that is good
and make masks out of wood
that show spirits with whom they would jibe.
"
"if i'm looking for christian tv,
cbn is the channel for me.
this broadcasting network
does far-flung, wide-set work:
its impact goes over the sea.
"
"the bicycle wheels are all zinging
as the riders glide by, sweetly singing.
it's the first day of may,
and they've gone out to play?
oh, the joy all this sunshine is bringing!
"
"cicurating this lion's a must,
since it's bound for the circus, i trust.
if the beast you can tame,
you will earn great acclaim.
yes, it's barnum & bailey or bust!
"
"his music poured out like a fount,
and his films?what a massive amount!
when bing crosby would sing,
how our heart-strings would zing!
his fans are too many to count.
"
"the thick belgian waffle is sweet,
and it slides down my throat really neat!
served with ice cream or fruit?
but forget eye of newt?
it's a wonderfully tempting taste treat!
"
"among pastors, bd was once famed,
but in modern times bd's renamed.
not just single and male
(or divine) can prevail;
those who earn this degree are acclaimed.
"
"in ireland they sing ""danny boy""
with great feeling and sometimes with joy,
but a dan buoy has lights
that can brighten our nights
in the place where we need to deploy.
"
"it would make a great home for a guppy
or a watering dish for a puppy,
or hold soup when you sup.
since it's shaped like a cup
we would say that this vessel is cuppy.
"
"when i'm wearing my blue fishing cap,
and the waves 'gainst my boat gently lap,
in the water i drop
down my bait with a plop?
this is how seasoned fishermen dap.
"
"when you go to the store, get some eggs,
as well as some root beer (two kegs),
and also some fruit
and some fresh ginger root,
and some chicken as well?wings and legs.
"
"in the cool morning breeze, grasses sway,
while the birds start to twitter and play.
the rooster then crows
so that everyone knows
it is dayspring, the first light of day.
"
"over mountains we climbed without fail,
then descended down into the dale?
that's a valley that's wide,
with a river inside.
it's a scene that will never grow stale!
"
"when his partner saw billy bob's mine,
he cried, ""i don't see gold?where's the shine?""
billy said, ""it's splendiferous!
our mine's cobaltiferous!""
now the blue glass they make is divine.
"
"the catalpa tree sways in the breezes,
and the scent of its blossoms sure pleases
me. here in my hammock
the view's panoramic,
and the soft wind the summer's heat eases.
"
"the dahlias that grow by my fence
are tall, and the blooms are immense?
one red blossom spanned
the palm of my hand?
and the colors are very intense!
"
"axg: this disease is not pretty,
since it blotches your skin. what a pity.
but you need not have fear?
it will soon disappear,
so you're once again feeling quite witty.
"
"the bx is where air-force boys shop
for some chops or a mop or some pop,
get a haircut that's neat,
buy a taco to eat,
and they get it all done in one stop.
"
"when you level, you complanate, mate,
like when making a bumpy path straight,
or when smoothing your yard
where it's pitted and marred
as you're fixing your lovely estate.
"
"your cheatableness is amazing!
(your savviness ain't what i'm praising.)
many times you've been duped
and your loot has been scooped
from your pockets, my bank account raising!
"
"a stroke was once called cva,
but that term isn't used much today.
in a serious case,
it is death that you face,
or paralysis comes into play.
"
"it can be a light scarf, robe, or dress
(there's not much info here, i confess).
it could be on your head,
you could wear it to bed.
it's a cymar, no more and no less.
"
"this apple is longish and green.
to eat it straight-up is not keen.
but to cook with it?wow!
that is alright, somehow!
it's a codling, and british, i've seen.
"
"cq, famed for news publication,
has its hand on the pulse of our nation.
it only reports
in political courts,
so for some folks it's just a frustration.
"
"""ahem"" and ""ahem"" caleb said,
""pay attention to me! see my head?
i have written with ink
on my forehead! i think
it is nice, but i should have used red!""
"
"a cragsman is one who will climb
up a vertical rock face. each time
he climbs up and then down
all those cliffs, grey and brown,
he's a feeling of pride that's sublime.
"
"the bank heist was scary. the mean
dakoit robbers were muscled and lean.
they were armed to the hilt?
there's no question of guilt!
their dakoity has picked the vault clean.
"
"cp's a disease with no cure,
so its victims must strive to endure.
with some poor muscle tone
or a weakening bone,
they'll need plenty of help to mature.
"
"there are virtues i'd like to extol
of a tool you might use mining coal.
corb: a basket that's big,
to hold coal that you dig,
'til you get it up out of the hole.
"
"he's a duck, he is black, and he's loony!
his muscles are awfully puny.
he is bugs bunny's friend
from beginning to end.
he's the star of a daffy cartoony!
"
"i'm your lawyer, and i'm not amused?
your complexedness leaves me confused.
now please say it again,
using words of my ken,
or from this case i will be excused.
"
"bfgoodrich makes tires for your car,
so that, travelling near or afar,
you will have a safe ride?
o'er the pavement you'll glide,
and with seldom a bump or a jar.
"
"aza takes good care of the zoo,
and it helps the aquarium too.
if you're part of this group,
you can give a big whoop,
because only the best zoos get through.
"
"while out on the porch with my spouse,
i spotted some lovely black grouse.
when the greyhens cack-cack,
all the blackcocks talk back.
want to see them? just come to my house.
"
"damson plums? make a compote, or jam,
or some plum sauce to eat on your ham...
or in pies they are sweet?
what a wonderful treat!
you could stew them to feed to your gram.
"
"fruity yogurt is really delicious.
homemade ice cream is too! feel ambitious?
try making some cheese.
made with milk, all of these
dairy products are very nutritious!
"
"when they went to the dance hall to dance,
sue wore bloomers with hearts; jen wore pants.
while jen went to work out,
in my mind there's no doubt
sue went dancing to find some romance.
"
"now i wonder, what makes this guy tick?
i think that his mind must be sick,
'cause he did a vile crime;
now he's doing the time.
(this is how criminologists click.)
"
"billy bob tried to woo becky sue.
she said, ""i've got designs on you, too!""
billy bob said, ""aw, shucks,
now you've got me in flux!
should we kiss, or keep eating our stew?""
"
"my daughter designs some great art
that i hang on my fridge. she will start
with some markers and paints?
without adult constraints
she creatively scribbles each part.
"
"we'll ride on the rails till we're through,
hop a bus, and then try something new;
catch a hot air balloon,
take a flight to the moon:
coadventurers we, me and you.
"
"you are unrefined, rude, and uncouth!
you're an ill-bred and impolite youth!
you're bad-mannered, it's true,
but your girlfriend loves you?
so let's work on those manners, for ruth!
"
"this crick in my neck is a pain?
it's recurring again and again
since i fell on the ice?
this is really not nice!
it makes moving my head quite a strain.
"
"when miss lola gets out of the tub,
scented bath powder's what she will rub
from her nose to her toes?
no one knows where it goes?
till she smells like some dame at the club.
"
"thumbelina's red silk cushionet
(that's a cushion that's tiny) got wet.
thumbelina cried, ""dear!
it's so sweltering here
that my pillow is drenched with my sweat!""
"
"the dungeon is cold, dark, and wet,
and musty, and stale. you'll regret
that it's mildewed and dankish?
you'll find it's quite rankish?
the nastiest place you've been yet.
"
"the self-checkout lane at the store
has a dba shoppers abhor.
it causes chagrin
when they put their bills in?
it just spits them back out on the floor!
"
"what's a daddock? a body that's dead?
though it hasn't been murdered or bled.
you ask, what could it be?
it's an old rotten tree
with a center that's mushy like bread.
"
"a book seller sold me a book;
then i went home to get a good look.
on the spine of that tome
was the author, jerome,
but 'twas written by harry! that crook!
"
"this plant isn't where you get joe,
and it's not found wherever you go,
yet it's called coffee fern?
leaves are green, then red turn?
graceful cliff brake's  a beautiful show.
"
"billy bob played at nine-pins with josh.
he said, ""wow, josh! this game has panache!""
billy bob rolled 6 strikes
and 2 spares. josh said, ""yikes!
i am sorry you learned this game closh!""
"
"you're a christian (a mom or a dad)
and your job stinks?it's making you mad.
join this work at home group?
you will smile, you will whoop?
'cause to be your own boss makes you glad!
"
"while reading my library book,
i forgot that i must take a look
at the dd (due date),
so i kept it too late.
the librarian thinks i'm a crook.
"
"for a colorful ad for a diner,
you will work with cg. nothing's finer
than the graphics you choose
with computers you use.
what's your job? you're a graphic designer.
"
"if a beautiful view's what you seek,
then come to the park called  trough creek.
(on your map it might say
the creek's name, then ck.)
it's a great place to spend a whole week!
"
"there are some things i do every day:
first i must read my bible and pray,
cook the meals, clean the house,
wash the clothes, kiss my spouse,
and then daily with children i play.
"
"chicken casserole? surely you'll find
variations of every design.
some have corn, beans, or cheese;
others use none of these,
but they all contain chicken, not swine!
"
"you're my comrogue, my friend, and my pal!
cause some mischief with you? yes, i shall!
let's put salt in the sugar,
make sue eat a booger,
and open the stalls and corral!
"
"a codlin's an apple that's small,
and it isn't worth eating at all.
it's not ripe yet?it's green!
thieves will never be seen
stealing codlins o'er your orchard wall.
"
"cowan's gap is a lovely state park
whether spring or fall, daytime or dark:
you can swim, fish, or camp,
you can birdwatch, or tramp
down the trails at the park, on a lark.
"
"""chop the vegetables up  very coarsely,""
said the chef on tv, rather hoarsely.
but how coarse is too coarse,
when this stuff's for my horse?
so i left it all whole (no remorse-ly).
"
"clomipramine lifts your depression
or your state of compulsive obsession;
it also can aid
with those times you're afraid,
your neurotransmitters to freshen.
"
"have you heard of the copperas rocks,
so unusual, sometimes it shocks?
with their coppery color,
all others seem duller.
they're pretty?they'll knock off your socks!
"
"so, your view of the world's cosmoplastic?
it's a view that i think rather drastic.
to say the world came
by some plastic force?lame!
it's a theory that's rather fantastic.
"
"the ao dai's a vietnamese dress
that is two-pieced and long, has finesse,
and adheres to your shape
in a beautiful drape
with soft fabric you'd like to caress.
"
"if the bible is what you hold dear,
and you want it to be your career,
don't study ecology;
try for theology:
the book that you love becomes clear.
"
"the dental practitioner stated,
""i fear that you must be sedated.
your teeth should be pulled.""
(this will cost more than gold,
since his prices are greatly inflated.)
"
"your superiors have all the facts?
now a court-martial's judging your acts.
you sold drugs to the sarge.
your bad conduct discharge
will ensure that you're soon making tracks.
"
"while shopping at wal-mart you'll find
different places for things?every kind
in its own special space
(toys or men's-wear), each place
a department, in one store combined.
"
"it's my boss whom i wish to impress,
so i'm wearing a lovely blue dress.
he had better beware?
wait! the dress has a tear!
please help! i'm in awful distress!
"
"this store contains milk, cans of fish,
condensed soup, scented soap on a dish,
pretty clothes and  kids' toys?
dollar general has joys
that are cheap! that is all that i wish.
"
"my leg has been injured since i
forgot armor that covers my thigh.
the cuish, made of leather,
protects in all weather,
but i didn't wear one?oh my!
"
"so you're an experienced  cropper?
well, that's an incredible whopper!
look, you planted a thorn,
but you thought it was corn!
you don't deserve even one copper.
"
"if you're looking at our balanced rock,
the first time you could get a shock.
you may think it could fall
with a touch that is small?
laws of gravity seeming to mock.
"
"your aquarium's boring. want change?
try a deepwater squirrelfish. it's strange!
with red body, white stripes,
pointy spines?several types?
all the western atlantic's its range.
"
"it's red or it's brown, black, or blue,
purple, yellow, or any wild hue,
and it fastens your coat
from the hem to the throat?
yes, the coat button's useful to you.
"
"for us all, dr. abernathy tried
to sweep segregation aside.
the civil rights movement
brought all lives improvement,
not just in the states, but worldwide.
"
"minnie pearl starred on hee-haw, that show
where the jokes come from down the corn row.
her price tag would dangle;
her ""how-deee"" would jangle
our nerves as she searched for a beau.
"
"from an adenological study
i worked on in school with my buddy,
i learned that each gland
has a function that's grand?
when one fails i feel totally cruddy.
"
"homemade papers are coarse-grained, some buff,
and some  deckled, with edges so rough.
some look torn?no alarm?
that's  their primitive charm,
so  some people just can't get enough.
"
"this zimbabwean instrument's best!
by its chime-like tones we have been blessed.
metal keys on some wood
that are plucked sound so good,
with this board piano i am impressed.
"
"by king arthur himself, i was knighted?
to the round table, i've been invited.
i could nearly go blind
since my armor's been shined?
dressed for battle, consider me dighted.
"
"a department store: dozens of sections,
with aisles in so many directions.
our husbands will scream,
or  just pray it's a dream,
when we show them our many selections!
"
"two for jack, two for jane, two for sue,
two for bill, two for bob, and me, too,
two for kate's little pup?
all my gum's divvied up?
none is left. now it's gone, so i'm through.
"
"i know cruorin makes my blood red;
i have seen it whenever i've bled.
my physician would claim
that it has a new name?
it is called hemoglobin instead.
"
"it's a dark blackish-purple, and shiny.
the host plant is bushy, not viney.
though its juices will stain,
you have so much to gain
when you turn it to jelly or winey.
"
"go ahead?say i'm just an old kvetch.
when you grab your dog's neck and you stretch,
you're a caitiff! you're bad!
and you make me so mad!
you're a nasty, despicable wretch!
"
"chilean means ""native of chile""?
it may be a person or lily,
volcano or mountain
or city or fountain
or cheeses or wines or a gilly!
"
"if you wish for an african drum,
the djembe's as sweet as they come.
for the djembe, the norm
is a goblet-like form.
while you slap it, i'll sit back and hum.
"
"a young hoofer said, ""dear, you're a fright!
get dolled up and we'll go out tonight!
put some stuff on your face,
get your hair in its place,
and we'll dance 'til tomorrow's first light!""
"
"there's a video game called dk
that my kids like to play every day.
donkey kong is the name
of an ape in this game.
he  jumps barrels. but why? i can't say.
"
"while my son risked his life in iraq,
my neighbor risked verbal attack.
why is he so very
anti-military?
i think what he needs is a smack!
"
"there's a man in the sports hall of fame,
and ""shooting the hoops"" is his game.
he was famous for taking
great rebounds and making
high scores, and charles barkley's his name.
"
"it's a very sad story i tell:
with two arteries clogged, i'm not well.
doctor said that the cause
of my clogging-up  was
bad cholesterol, called ldl.
"
"now, in morse code, a dot's pronounced ""dit,""
while a dash is a ""dah."" think a bit:
dah-dah-dit. dash-dash-dot.
do you hear it, or not?
sounds like gibberish, here, where i sit!
"
"in australia, it had its debut
(aboriginals play it, it's true).
this long wooden tube drones
with some  low, buzzing tones.
what's this instrument? didjeridoo!
"
"it isn't a radish. this neat
root vegetable's really a beet.
when it's pickled, i crave
this deep purple beetrave,
and a harvard beet dish is a treat!
"
"you're the rudest of all. there's no youth
who is more unrefined, more uncouth.
you are vulgar and wild!
you're not dating my child?
your crassness will keep you from ruth!
"
"devilled eggs, devilled crab, devilled ham;
if you'd like, you could serve devilled spam.
have a devilled buffet?
you could try, anyway,
with some duck, or some lamb, or some clam.
"
"been fishing for herring? oh, man,
what a catch! let me tell you my plan:
try this out; it is great?
measures volume, not weight?
it holds forty-five gallons, a cran.
"
"that guy's reading while driving his car!
he could wreck! but then stranger, by far,
is the lady who eats
books as though they were treats!
bibliophagists! that's what they are!
"
"there is rhumba and samba and blues,
and there's polka and tap. you could choose
dance music that's sweet
with a jazzy, quick beat,
such as rock, rap, or pop. move your shoes!
"
"to detrect extra spuds when you dine
means when offered some more, you decline.
you detrect nasty booze?
you reject, you refuse?
turn away or turn down or resign.
"
"used by catholics in place of a bell
at easter and lent, these are swell!
nice french rattles of wood
make things sound really good,
and the kids love to play  a cresselle.
"
"down south, dave will take sweet regina
to visit the local cantina.
they'll drink lots of wine
till the stars start to shine,
then they'll walk all around al's marina.
"
"my house has a crannied log wall
from which chinking continues to fall.
it is pocked, it is rough,
though i keep adding stuff?
if i can't add enough, i will bawl.
"
"chemosh: a fish-god of old
whom the moabites worshipped. i'm told
that their children were given
in sacrifice. livin'
in that land seems heartless and cold.
"
"they wandered around the scrub brush?
many years they continued. no rush.
when the time came to rest,
they thought it was best
to stop there at alush and hush.
"
"one hot, lonely african hiker
was chased by a swift, angry duiker.
as the guy ran away
he called out, ""from this day
i am no longer hiker, but biker!""
"
"if the church is your chosen vocation,
then you might work in this situation:
your group is led by
a methodical guy,
the ds of your organization.
"
"there's a large north pole workshop that's bustling
as the gift wrap is crackling and rustling,
while the little elves pack
santa's red velvet sack.
christmas eve is a time for such hustling!
"
"this great soda, a sugary drink,
is far sweeter than most folks would think?
it's not healthy for you!
but i love it, it's true?
dr pepper puts me in the pink!
"
"a dugway's a path through a hill
or sunk down in the earth. it's a thrill
when you drive in the dark
through this pass?what a lark!
if it's curvy, you'll need lots of skill!
"
"my daughter loves all things gymnastic,
and her tumbling is rather fantastic.
all her moves far eclipse
all my jumps or your flips.
she is flexible, just like elastic.
"
"it's final. completed. it's done.
there is now no more race to be run.
the list's almost finished,
the choices diminished.
 desistive. more words? there are none.
"
"the delaware valley's impressive.
its cities are large and progressive.
its river is wide
and its people abide
with a pride that some might call obsessive.
"
"like ice cream? this place is for you?
they serve shakes and parfaits. sundaes too.
you can buy a cool treat
or some hot stuff to eat.
want to know where it is? it's dq!
"
"it's a turnover call (not a foul),
and the fans in the stands start to howl!
since  both hands touched the ball,
double dribble's the call,
but the coach disagrees. hear him growl!
"
"i will make this thing work, if i'm able:
i will add a room onto my gable.
if it doesn't work out,
i will scream and i'll pout,
then get back to the old drawing table.
"
"""the drainpipe is clogged,"" grandma yelled,
""all the gunk that's inside must have jelled?
icky grease from fried food,
and those prunes that i stewed,
and those rotten potatoes that smelled!""
"
"""you will not never go,"" sister said,
""if you don't, you'll not wish you weren't dead.""
""those dns  are not cool?
did they tell you in school?""
very sweetly replied brother fred.
"
"he'd spent the whole night on the town,
with some clown in a gown that was brown.
so when billy crept in
with a lopsided grin,
i gave him a good dressing-down!
"
"if it's more education you lack,
try dl and you'll never look back.
the computer's the place
for the courses you face.
this can help your career get on track.
"
"i am old, and my body is aching.
each step leaves me twitching and quaking.
every move makes me jiggle?
like jelly i wiggle?
i am doddery, weak-limbed, and shaking.
"
"know a judge who is breaking the law?
are his actions, for you, the last straw?
is he going berserk?
let the cja work.
they'll uncover his every flaw.
"
"you are indolent, idle, and lazy.
you are limp as a hot, wilted daisy.
you are slothful, it's true?
a do-nothing are you.
you're my spouse, and you're driving me crazy!
"
"cyanean: azure or blue,
cerulean, lazuline too.
the color of skies
or sinatra's  bright eyes,
or of sapphires. i like it. do you?
"
"my piano has beautiful keys,
with ivories certain to please.
the dark ebonies are
still my favorites, by far?
playing flats and then sharps is a breeze.
"
"though many may think i am odd,
i am chosen?elected of god.
i'm a part of his nation,
his choice generation.
from darkness to light i have trod.
"
"pompous  caiaphas, jewish high priest:
ancient christians thought he was a beast,
since he said that our lord
should be killed, not adored,
while they thought he should be released.
"
"of two cities of david i've read.
one is mt. zion's palace. it's said
that the other's the place
baby jesus did grace
at his birth, with some straw for a bed.
"
"he's my counselor, advocate, friend.
he's a helper on whom i depend.
one of trinity's parts,
he can dwell in men's hearts?
holy spirit will guide and defend.
"
"watch out, daniel! there's lions about!
faithful daniel did not cry or shout.
he did not fear. instead,
he, in prayer, bowed his head,
and the lord made sure daniel got out!
"
"when israel's children came home,
adin set up his tent in the loam.
saying ""we've been away
for many a day.
no more will we wander or roam.""
"
"king solomon's temple smelled good,
since he built it of sweet-scented wood:
cedar roof, cedar floors,
and some cedarwood doors.
""cedar carvings? i wish that i could!""
"
"the giant goliath achieved
a height of nine feet, it's believed.
but young dave, with his sling,
achieved much for his king
when goliath's huge head he retrieved.
"
"when the babies were large in my womb
(quadruplets?a real baby boom!)
i found myself shrieking
that fluid was leaking,
so?""taxi! emergency room!!""
"
"when i enter i feel rather cheery,
though it's been a long day, and i'm weary.
when i exit, i feel
like i'm dreaming, unreal.
haunted houses are terribly eerie!
"
"the blanket on mom's feather bed
was a colorful deep purplish-red.
passing years made it fade
and its edges are frayed,
yet she loves that old crimosin spread.
"
"this word means a house split in two,
or a large, double cage at the zoo,
or machines with two parts
both in synch (like our hearts).
did you guess? it's a duplex for you!
"
"as i walked through a quiet refectory,
my path had a certain trajectory.
i was seeking a book
in the telephone's nook?
i needed to use the directory.
"
"when you robbed that east indian bank,
your escape method totally stank.
you were caught in your scam
while you ran, on the lam.
now the cutwal has you in the tank!
"
"embroidery's lovely. this art
uses floss and a needle. each part
contains beautiful stitches.
it won't bring you riches,
but maybe win somebody's heart.
"
"when the cowboys get ready to wrangle
those longhorns, their lassos may tangle.
they jangle their spurs,
and a tussle occurs;
at the roundup, they really embrangle.
"
"when you're blue, i can see why you're blue.
when you're happy, i understand too.
whether joyful or sad,
on your good days or bad,
i have empathy, feeling for you.
"
"i have dozens and dozens of plants
from my dozens of uncles and aunts,
and it's true i have dozens
and dozens of cousins
with dozens of rips in their pants.
"
"in this biblical book is the feature
of wisdom for each human creature:
what's the meaning of life
in a world filled with strife?
only god, states its author, the preacher.
"
"when i call  you, you'd better come here.
i'm the ruler! it's me you should fear.
in our african home,
i'll say where you may roam.
i'm in charge! i'm your nation's emeer.
"
"she's so fat, and no wonder; here's why:
'cause she dips in the ice cream and pie.
and she dips in the chips
with her fingers and lips.
adipsin would help...if she'd try!
"
"my uncle's eccentric?he's odd,
and of fashion, he thinks he's a god.
though it looks really bad,
he wears pants of red  plaid,
and a mauve shirt with pictures of cod!
"
"you have fired your shotgun and, well,
in the chamber's a spent empty shell.
now, just which part  removes it?
(i've tried and that proves it.)
the ejector your shell will expel.
"
"cha?ar is a bush or small tree
argentinians often can see.
it has edible berries
and a flower that varies
in color?a bright jubilee!
"
"ejukashun? ain't got none. cant spell
dont no grammer, and math just aint swell
its okay - i git by
i can make sum good pie,
with my hubby, that sets perty well
"
"you mixed an explosive emulsion
that gave teacher's chair jet propulsion!
you thought you were smart
with your chemical art,
but now you are facing expulsion!
"
"i am tired and my shirt's wringing wet?
this exertion is making me sweat!
though it takes elbow grease
my hard work shall not cease.
with much effort i'll fix my car yet!
"
"over there?see the gorgeous young claire?
all those tightly wound springs are her hair!
lovely curledness! wait?
claire's fair hair is her fate.
when it's tangled she'd better beware!
"
"you can eat your eggs scrambled or fried.
either way, down your gullet they'll slide.
whether soft- or hard-boiled,
deviled, poached (no! not spoiled!),
you won't know which you like 'til you've tried.
"
"this flower has leaves that turn up
and meet at the base like a cup.
it has nectar so sweet
birds and bees think it's neat,
and the butterflies visit and sup.
"
"dt is the biblical book
where you'll find the shema. take a look!
deuteronomy unravels
the israelites' travels,
and more that this group undertook.
"
"eccrinology really is neat!
it's the study of glands that secrete
things like spit, tears or sweat,
or like breast milk?i'd bet
it's a baby's most sought-after treat.
"
"while thinking things calculatory,
my mind turned to things somewhat gory:
if two cannibals chose
to saut? twelve men's toes,
how many could eat cacciatore?
"
"the dwarf mulberry: nice little tree
with sweet fruit that is lovely to see,
and leaves that are broad?
a creation of god
designed just to please you and me.
"
"there's electric, and water, and rent,
insurance and loans. some percent
of our salaries will
pay for every due bill.
it's a fact that we often resent.
"
"when we meet at that sweet wedding shrine,
you will pledge to join your life with mine.
as we two become one
and our new life's begun,
our hearts will forever entwine.
"
"there's a book that's a marvelous source
for the answers to questions, of course,
about items religious?
it's very prestigious?
the bible's the book i endorse.
"
"elisha: a prophet of old
whose biblical story is told
in the books of the kings.
miraculous things
he could do! with god's strength, he was bold.
"
"the biblical tribes include dan,
an incredibly large hebrew clan.
many judges, renowned,
in this group can be found?
from othniel to samson's their span.
"
"have you heard of the fishes called dace?
they dart all about as they race!
there are various types?
some kinds even have stripes?
and you'll find them in freshwater space.
"
"i know one of the reindeer is dancer,
who helps pull the sleigh with dear prancer.
are they light on their feet?
are they graceful and fleet?
are they dancers? do you know the answer?
"
"""is it spinach that boils in your pot?""
i reply with a shy, ""no, it's not.
it's not okra or beans?
it's just dandelion greens.
eat these wild, tangy weeds cold or hot.""
"
"the center for substance abuse
prevention helps adults and youths
to stay drug (and booze) free;
not a problem for me,
since my lifestyle has never been loose.
"
"the cuatro's a latin guitar
that's smaller than mine is, by far.
it is cute like a lute
and has four strings, to boot,
and of some reggae bands, it's the star.
"
"your painting's unskilled. it looks like
it was dabbed on by some little tyke.
i can't sell it?it's awful!
this should be unlawful!
it's daubry! now take a hike, ike!
"
"the dahoon is a south u.s. shrub
that grows in the forest and scrub.
it has leaves of dark green,
and red berries are seen?
watch out for that sharp, spiny nub!
"
"do you know what this beekeeper does
that has all of his bee club abuzz?
he works very hard
in his flowered back yard
gathering honey. and why? just because.
"
"cf rarely gave children a chance
to survive till their senior-high dance.
a genetic disease,
it grew worse by degrees
until death came to halt its advance.
"
"a, e, i (sometimes y), o, and u
are the vowels in words?yes, it's true.
other letters, we find,
are the consonant kind.
now that's all for our english review.
"
"devitalization in town
is certain to cause you to frown.
those large, empty stores
with graffiti-marked doors
are so ugly, they make me feel down.
"
"""let's go cow tipping,"" billy bob said.
""we can, with our folks gone to bed,
find a fast asleep cow
who is standing up now,
then find out if she'll stand on her head!""
"
"all the magi came last (but not least)
 when they followed the star (seldom ceased)
 to find jesus's house
 (mary too, and her spouse);
 it had been a long trip, from the  east.
"
"my dad bought a new captain's chair,
giving orders we shouldn't sit there.
but when dad left for town,
we took turns plopping down,
'cuz we thought that the rule wasn't fair.
"
"when my father was just a young boy,
a pet fawn was his pride and great joy.
the fawn's mother had left?
that cade deer was bereft
'til becoming my daddy's best toy.
"
"when my mom taught me how to crochet,
'twas the chain stitch i learned the first day.
when embroid'ry i learned,
it surprised me?it turned
out i made it a different way.
"
"the best thing a person could bake
is a luscious and  sweet coffee cake
with brown sugar and spice.
when i wish for a slice,
i quit work for a long coffee break.
"
"the wizard of oz made a city
of emerald green. oh, how pretty!
it's like grandma's mint sauce,
or like brussels sprouts, moss,
or  dill pickles (great big; itty-bitty).
"
"addison's is a disease
(just the thought makes me shake in the knees)
causing bronzing of skin
and great weakness within
when adrenal glands fail. (not me please!)
"
"""i want to come in! can i, please?""
mikey pleads with the door guard. his tease
makes the doorkeeper shout,
""no, you've got to stay out!""
so the kid makes a grab for the keys.
"
"through a wardrobe, four children will go
to a land some may choose not to know.
it's a magical tale
where the witch won't prevail,
and the lion defeats every foe.
"
"your  dm is a book you should follow;
if you don't, your excuse will be hollow.
keep those methods and rules
for the mills and the schools,
or the wrath of  your boss you will swallow.
"
"in the last battle narnia's fraught
with imposters within and is brought
to its knees by invaders.
our friends foil these raiders
then aslan makes new worlds, from nought.
"
"here some children learn life is not fair?
chased by bullies, they find the king's lair.
aslan helps them to find
one who's losing his mind
as he's kept in a big silver chair.
"
"first the dawn treader quests to find friends
that are lost, then the voyage extends.
they find him in the east,
where their world edge has ceased ?
he shares: ""quest to know me at worlds' ends.""
"
"now to narnia we will return,
where the pevensie children will learn
that the throne's been upset!
but great aslan will get
what prince caspian surely did earn.
"
"having narnia sole in the world
was not lewis's plan. others hurled
their hard hate and did roam
against exiles bound home:
thus the horse and his boy tale's unfurled.
"
"in this book lewis sets out the scene:
there are worlds with a wood in between.
nephew digory brings
the magician's charmed rings?
he wants mum's health through aslan's vaccine.
"
"these great suppositional tales
have achieved worldwide fame and large sales.
this series of seven
has allusions to heaven,
where justice o'er evil prevails.
"
"ehlite's a nice pearly green,
with a beauty that seldom is seen.
though the mineral's name
has been changed, all the same,
pseudomalachite's  just what i mean.
"
"you have studied your city's first planting;
its design gets you raving and ranting.
though your hobby's about
how the streets are laid out,
i just don't find ekistics enchanting.
"
"i was hiking one day  on the moor,
while the thunder and lightning were dure;
and the hail beat so hard,
i felt battered and scarred,
and i didn't feel very secure.
"
"you take flying too far ? stop it, soon;
you're a loon in that hot air balloon!
your air-mindedness? yea!
but air-headedness? nay!
balloons just can't fly to the moon!
"
"let us go get a stick and a rag
or a piece of an old plastic bag!
tie the flag on the stick,
choose a team?get it, quick?
if you want to play capture the flag!
"
"it's chlorine that's found in our pools,
and in fountains for water at schools.
i just can't get enough
of this germ-killing stuff,
'cause for swimming or drinking it rules.
"
"you've been working with chlorine for years;
now your wheezing is heard by your peers.
your lungs are inflamed;
your life quality's maimed.
awful ards is the worst of your fears.
"
"this shade can be blacker than coal
or the black of a deep pit or hole
or a place with no lights
on the blackest of nights.
the  hue ebon is one  i extoll.
"
"there's clover all over my field,
so of clover i'll have a high yield.
it is clovered so thickly,
i'll harvest it quickly
till the money i earn is revealed!
"
"my eiderdown's faded and blue,
filled with feathers, and fuzzy, it's true.
if you're chilly, i'll lend
you a blanket, my friend,
but my eiderdown isn't for you!
"
"i'll embox all my clothes and my jewels,
and my movies and belts and my tools.
my nifty stuffed fox
also goes in a box?
i move often and know all the rules.
"
"your chickens run loose in the grass,
and they peck at my legs as i pass,
and i step in their poop!
oh, please build them a coop?
to emmew will impress any lass.
"
"you are plagued by some dry, itchy skin
on your torso, your legs, or your chin.
call your doctor; get lotion?
a medical potion.
please don't let your eczema win.
"
"here we honor the challenger crew.
all these astronauts valiantly flew
on a craft that exploded?
an o-ring eroded.
at arlington, they are in view.
"
"i'm allergic to chocolate. oh, no!
but i love it a whole lot, and so
when i long for a treat
of chocolate to eat,
i choose carob. no diet to blow!
"
"he is mowing and weeding and raking,
taking care that no windows are breaking.
when the winter winds blow,
he'll be shoveling snow.
now our caretaking sexton is aching.
"
"lovely ireland's the emerald isle,
where a man can retire in style
in the county of cork
with a friend named o'rourke?
he's a redhead who wears a broad smile.
"
"what's bh? it's a kingdom, bahrain,
with its archipelagian plain.
summer's humid and hot,
but the winter is not,
with its seemingly endless cool rain.
"
"lucky eddie was cooling his heels
as the ninth circuit court of appeals
pondered whether his crime
fit the sentence: hard time,
with stale bread and warm water for meals.
"
"you pretend to be highly respectable,
but your faults are extremely detectable.
you're a liar, you cheat,
and you're full of deceit.
run for mayor? you're just not electable.
"
"it's making me whine, fume and fret?
i'm totally mad and upset.
i have moved out of range?
broadcast area change?
my station can't reach me here yet.
"
"milking cows is the job i like best
on my farm in wisconsin's midwest.
while i dream about cheese,
i have udders to squeeze?
dairy farming just makes me feel blessed.
"
"dfa's a cooperative group
that is made up of farmers. this troupe
is a dairy-food co.,
and wherever you go
they'll make sure you have milk for your soup.
"
"dholl are yellow split peas. there's a stew
mauritanians make?you might too!
it has garlic and ghee,
salt and turmeric, see?
now some chilli... that ruined it! ew!
"
"southern cal. is the place you will find
hillside blossoms that help you unwind.
with the loveliest hue,
these sweet bells of deep blue
bring reflections of summer to mind.
"
"cobitidae: scavenger fish
(not the type you would eat from a dish)
that are also called loaches?
my net now approaches,
since one, for my fish tank, i wish!
"
"you begrudger! you'll never forsake
any grudge, while asleep or awake!
you're neglectful, sir, of
showing mercy or love!
your hate seems an awful mistake!
"
"it's so ugly, it gave me a fright!
take that thing away, into the night!
that sofa's so awful,
it should be unlawful!
get rid of that nasty desight!
"
"my thoughts are as one?undivided.
by my conscience, my plan has been guided.
i have told you my choice
with a no-nonsense voice.
i have made up my mind. i've decided.
"
"the anguinous river flows on
down steep rocky mountains and yon...
it twists and it turns
amid grasses and ferns?
i awake to its sounds in the dawn.
"
"at a depot you might see some freight,
and a train or a bus (likely late),
and some people who scurry
and hurry and worry
with baggage of back-breaking weight.
"
"i have found there's an obsolete word
that when used as a noun means ""a herd"".
as a verb, it is true,
it means ""graze"". i'll tell you,
this word's creaght (rhymes with eight, i've inferred).
"
"though the mobsters were muscled and mean,
special agents burst onto the scene
with some tear gas and smoke?
gangsters started to choke!
then they put them in jail?all sixteen!
"
"there's a channel that's on my tv
that is so fascinating to see,
transmitting a wealth
of advice for your health,
and the best thing about it?it's free.
"
"though your plant has produced a large yield,
it has left you an ugly brown field.
bq energy's green,
and their power is clean?
with windmills, fresh air is revealed.
"
"a coach horse has got to be strong,
for pulling the coaches along.
it can also pull wagons
of freight, like some flagons,
or a cart that bears lexington's gong.
"
"the hebrews just listened in awe
as moses prepared to withdraw
from this earth?gave a talk
about how they should walk.
deuteronomy means ""second law"".
"
"expand your horizons. branch out.
explore an exciting new route.
jump out of your own
everyday comfort zone.
that's what spicing up life's all about.
"
"that date stamp is old, i can see,
since the date stamped reads nineteen-oh-three.
so this book, though brand new,
seems to be overdue!
how i hope you won't charge me a fee!
"
"you're in jail! you may cry, you may shout,
but there's no way i'm bailing you out!
you're not free any more
since you're guilty, for sure,
beyond any shadow of doubt.
"
"antiandrogen, taken as pills,
in a man's body usually kills
all his sexual desires.
he abhors (or admires?)
his resulting new mammary hills.
"
"once an empire, now democratic,
whose emperors, always pragmatic,
used political wedding
more than war for the spreading
of austria. (most diplomatic.)
"
"here i come to the club, a new writer,
older sure, but not grown any brighter.
good old faithful agnostic,
early fan of acrostic,
rhymes in rhythms that leave lyrics lighter.
"
"april's meaning we don't know for sure?
etymology still is obscure.
blossoms open just now,
as do hearts, in spring?wow!
can aperire be offered as lure?
"
"belly dancing in egypt is seen
as offensive and wholly unclean
by some islamist minds,
so one frequently finds
foreign dancing belles now on the scene.
"
"an anion carries a charge,
and the cations come to enlarge
it by forming a cluster
like a covering lustre,
moving straight to the anode side's marge.
"
"a balance gives relative weights
by comparison, using two plates,
or results from accounting
things waning or mounting,
like money or energy rates.
"
"now here's an odd story to tell
on a canton that's called appenzell:
fifteen years ago, note,
only men had the vote,
where these cheesemaking democrats dwell.
"
"an angiographic exam
of my blood vessels' possible jam
is a treatment that tends
(if infarction impends)
to decide: am i ailing? i am!
"
"the absorption of heat radiation
is a matter of deep cogitation
for an engineer, who,
with a physicist, too,
looks for burner design application.
"
"not far south of vienna it's seen,
rather aptly called baden bei wien.
with some sulphate of lime
its warm springs, used in time,
make you healthy and hungry, or lean.
"
"baden-baden, a well-known small city
at the black forest's rim, is so pretty:
good for hiker and rambler,
mountain-biker and gambler?
but they might lose their money there?pity!
"
"back arrangement cites re-ordered news
yielding messages?shorter to choose:
that's a bacronym's worth
for evoking your mirth;
and to help in explaining my views.
"
"one look at a freshly made bagel
may thoughts of mad munching inveigle.
its origins? mystery!
who wrote beygl's history,
or maybe some facts did finagle?
"
"when my lungs do their job as they ought
then sufficient o2 will be brought
to the cells in my blood:
makes me feel like a stud,
fully aerated, so i've been taught.
"
"an arrow's a weapon, a missile;
it reaches its mark with a whistle.
when it's shot from a bow,
do stand clear?don't be slow!
it might shoot through your flesh and your gristle.
"
"we often call thoughts academic
if far from the practice (polemic).
but academe helps,
if ignorance yelps,
to treat all those problems systemic.
"
"in garmisch and munich take rest,
be by regensburg's buildings impressed;
visit amberg and go
via nuremberg, slow,
up to bamberg: historically blessed.
"
"from old books you may find on your shelves:
a banshee, or female of elves,
was supposed to be crying
when someone was dying,
though elves are immortal themselves.
"
"balloon angioplasty's applied
to arteries blocked from inside.
cardiology wrestles
thin tubes up these vessels,
inflating till lumens grow wide.
"
"of the elements starting with b,
only six are exciting to me:
be and ba
through bi, -h, and -k,
and br (b is boron, you see).
"
"the aubergine: edible fruit;
from the french, its linguistical root
(latin: s. esculentum);
gives cuisine more momentum
for life-long ""keep fitter""-pursuit.
"
"if your blood's rich in purines, no doubt
uric acid might crystallize out;
many small solid grains
might cause horrible pains:
allopurinol saves you from gout.
"
"alemannic tongues, south-western style,
might some german and french speakers rile:
badener, swiss, and alsatians,
in their close conversations
use the method of error and trial.
"
"only sixteen bananas as skirt
made her famous as dancer and flirt;
of taboos a great breaker
was josephine baker
and a fighter for rights that were hurt.
"
"there are heat, oil, and sand in arabia;
not water, however, so maybe a
girl finds it tough
getting water enough
to stay clean from her lips to her labia.
"
"bifurcation denotes an event
where the path of a process gets bent;
as the tines that belong
to a fork, where each prong
might a new stable state represent.
"
"""baden-w?rttemberg's put us on wheels!""
as the l?ndle now proudly appeals:
karl von drais and carl benz,
setting longlasting trends,
built the first bikes and automobiles.
"
"it's a song or a poem as valid
as a wholesome dessert of fruit salad;
even limerick form
is not out of the norm
when applied to the art of a ballad.
"
"our nursery said they would bill us
for the bulb that they called amaryllis.
it looked just like trash,
but we bought it with cash,
as the lure of its bloom would fulfill us!
"
"some mushrooms that really can feed us
belong to the genus boletus.
it's a wonderful treat
if your actual bolete
doesn't come from the species that cheat us.
"
"if cleverly used and applied,
the sciences?scientists' pride?
give the engineers tools
and designers the rules
for the hi-tech toys selling worldwide.
"
"antifascism could not prevent
the last century's darkest event.
too many kept distance,
too few dared resistance:
we never shall end this lament.
"
"every winemaker owns a ch?teau
where the price of a bottle may grow
so much faster than wine?
are they really that fine,
all these overpriced crus de bordeaux?
"
"books, books, books: that is all he will buy.
for the rare ones, he rather would die
than give others a chance
to get more than a glance:
he's a bibliomaniac guy.
"
"from the persian world taken?there are
narrow streets often called a bazaar,
if they're crowded with shops,
offering tops amongst flops:
real rolex and gewgaw guitar!
"
"they are made up of pages, it looks,
not of butlers, young servants, or cooks,
but of paper, a matter
from fibers, pressed flatter,
with letters imprinted: the books.
"
"aphoristically said, things are witty,
not every time true, but so pretty:
""to read means to borrow,
to invent: pay tomorrow.""
is what lichtenberg said just a ditty?
"
"my urologist wanted to know
if there's cancer in me which might grow.
have my cells become strangers
now causing me dangers?
the samples?from bx?will show!
"
"ambient temperature's often controlled
in the rooms where we work and grow old.
whether office or home,
or hotel when we roam,
we don't like it too hot or too cold.
"
"see, o kids, i bring knowledge of rounds.					
truly not every limerick confounds!				
summing lettering, see,	
to set numerals free,
yields an answer that pi's sum expounds! 												
"
"a holiday, based on pure fiction,
in ireland's a way of conviction.
on bloomsday, from dublin,
there's spreadin' a (troublin'?
rejoiceful?) new readin' addiction.
"
"to get lignite (some call it brown coal),
they use bucket-wheels carving a hole
into former times' wood
to be burnt up for good?
but pollution is hard to control.
"
"one girl shows more skin over there
than elsewhere whole families dare
to expose. in brazil,
on the beach, men are still
just amazed, and such sights make 'em stare!
"
"a white wine that a french sommelier
might suggest for before your entr?e
with cassis, as a kir,
or alone, dry and clear,
is a burgundy, aligot?.
"
"his tierleben (animals' life)
taught the world about animals' strife
and their habits as such,
in six volumes. (that much!)
alfred brehm's grasp of creatures was rife.
"
"the axe, even missing the ""e"",
as a cutting tool, fells you a tree.
but the axes, with end-ess,
are straight lines, thus bend-less;
around them spin objects quite free.
"
"we don't want our cornflakes too meaty?
with insects, at least. our entreaty:
use insecticide; fine
biowarfare, benign,
calls for b. thuringiensis or bt.
"
"an instinct called basic has been
made famous by that movie scene,
where stone once revealed
a zone that appealed;
erogenous, some say unclean.
"
"abu simbel's above the lake's muds,
with its temples once carved out by spuds.
ramses ii put himself
up on deities' shelf;
even higher, he's saved from the floods.
"
"these ants are such small, busy creatures.
as insects with typical features,
they live in their hills
and display stunning skills.
you want more? ask biology teachers.
"
"once a suitable donor is found,
there's some chance to get healthy and sound,
yet the path often narrows:
transplanting bone marrow's
a journey on perilous ground!
"
"an address is important, my dear,
to find out who is who and who's near.
you are reached without stress
by an e-mail address,
but by snail mail it might take a year.
"
"young boys and young girls like to play
both with toys and each other, i'd say.
elder boys playing games
with most beautiful dames
see fair game in fair ladies, for prey.
"
"americans gorging on oil
guzzle gas with their cars, so they spoil
their own soil and the air
(though we've all done our share).
cleaning up all that mess?oh, what toil!
"
"from frankfurt (""mainhattan""), best flee;
less than 50 km ese,
where you enter bavaria?
franconia's area?
aschaffenburg's what you will see.
"
"in the leaf mold on forested hills,
amanitas grow, fungi with gills
which have spores coloured white;
some may cause mortal fright:
they contain an ingredient that kills.
"
"displaying your body bare-breasted
in public may get you arrested
where topless appearance
requires a clearance:
the curse of the mammary-chested.
"
"send the updated bg to me;
take the flight number bg-03.
fly from munich, bavaria,
to sofia, bg.
see you later, or (german) bg!
"
"even age will from folly not keep you?
though it promises wisdom that's deep, true.
too many old fools
simply break all the rules;
soon the red in their faces will peep through.
"
"a whistle he blew from his lips,
elbows outwards, both hands on his hips.
she said, ""oh, what a slim beau!
i'll paint him akimbo;
let's hope that he willingly strips!""
"
"john f. kennedy, once in berlin,
proudly spoke out in german: ""ich bin
ein berliner!"" he told,
with a voice sounding bold,
of a ""war"" called the ""cold"" we should win.
"
"greek andr?, we remember, means male,
adding -phoros, from carry, can't fail;
but if publicly shown,
your androphorous zone
might indeed get you thrown into jail.
"
"aquariums: big glass containers
with fish kept in, mainly the gainers
in a food-catching test?
those coming out best?
who became the dear pets of their trainers.
"
"if you notice a house, door ajar,
and glimpse guns in the hallway, not far,
in the driveway's the reason:
it's deer-hunting season?
a twelve-pointer's strapped to the car.
"
"in a vessel, you safely can float
over river or lake to remote
and unknown further banks;
you might wish to say thanks
to the one who had built it, your boat.
"
"built by romans (first digging a trench),
it is aix-la-chapelle for the french.
charlemagne?charles the great,
in historical weight,
sat in aachen, as king on his bench.
"
"there's a gas we could not live without;
we inhale it, as flies do, and trout.
a girl's golden hair
may float in the air.
n2, o2: that's all, just about.
"
"an unpleasantly strong felt emotion
in awareness of danger?a potion
paralysing our will
with an odd sort of thrill:
angst may flood us, like waves from an ocean.
"
"the adsorption of vapor on wood
is as moistening well understood.
the reverse case is drying?
such desorption applying
might cause cracks, which would hardly be good.
"
"from a partially visible parity,
by analogy see with more clarity
a phenomenon, new,
from a known point-of-view,
which is why it has gained popularity.
"
"afrikaans, based on olden time dutch,
finds its place among languages much
run away in direction:
in its grammar, no flection.
can express things quite simply as such.
"
"the alphabet, language's pawn,
if examined in depth?pro and con?
is twenty-six letters.
you'll find them on sweaters,
and other odd things we may don.
"
"there's an author, extremely prolific,
but his style isn't one that's specific.
one time bawdy, then clean,
often gaudy, or mean:
anon.'s work, now and then, is terrific!
"
"walk from a down to z now by limerick
on old metrical feet. take, with vim, a pick
from the whole abc.
it is fun, you'll agree,
from the ""almerick"" down to the ""zimerick"".
"
"blue-, huckle-, bil-, all just the same,
as a prefix attached to the name
of a wonderful berry;
black- 'n' goose- (that one's hairy).
fine straw- fields forever found fame.
"
"as darwin made note, way back when:
apes are closely related to men.
they often are better
than any jet setter?
why keep them in zoo cages, then?
"
"an azeotrope's composition,
when boiling, stays?by definition?
just the same; it's a mixture
with a strange transfer fixture
during liquid-to-vapor transition.
"
"send a message, a name, or a sign
of regret, by the tips of each line.
reading down the left column
reveals something solemn?
your repenting acrostic works fine!
"
"important affairs, when commercial
or public, may be controversial.
just the same may be true
of a love affair, too,
so the married would best stay inertial.
"
"some poetry, once in a while,
employs archilochian style.
iambic satirics ?
invention in lyrics ?
it's written with gusto and guile.
"
"in a liquid, like water, or glass,
they are spherical voids filled with gas;
but their shape makes us trouble
in foams where a bubble
as a dodecahedron won't pass!
"
"in bern, albert had his premiere:
he had published five papers one year.
nineteen-five in this town
founded einstein's renown?
in the kramgasse flat over here.
"
"linguistically used, it is based
on a german word (anglicists' taste?):
the auslaut's the last
sound, as ""t"" is in past
(not by synonyms eas'ly replaced).
"
"a fact that's enlightening's a lightener;
if you tighten your belt, you're a tightener.
but a person who finds
how to broaden our minds?
or a substance that bleaches? a brightener.
"
"avatar means a godhead's descent
as a mortal on earth, bless'd event.
now when avatar's spoken,
it's merely a token:
motif on a message you've sent.
"
"it's no method perfecting one's skill,
but a hand-driven portable drill.
it is held firmly pressed, till
you've bored with your breast drill
a hole with a dowel to fill.
"
"it's surrounded by beautiful beaches,
and a look on the map quickly teaches:
this sea's not a menace
from corfu to venice,
where its largest diameter reaches.
"
"lake constance or bodensee's long
been the ""swabian sea"", but that's wrong:
germans, austrians, swiss
on its banks live in bliss,
in a region that's culturally strong!
"
"braunschweig (""keep quiet now, brown!"")
is a town of long-lasting renown:
both for technical science,
and a lion's alliance
with the owners of britain's old crown.
"
"second oldest of germany's towns,
once a roman camp founded on grounds
near the lechfeld, flat valley,
from augsburg, an alley
where noise of old battles resounds.
"
"the schwaben, alsatians, and swiss
are close neighbours of baden, and this
region lives without border,
in safety, wealth, order:
sixty years now of peace, oh what bliss!
"
"bed and breakfast are offered by sue
and by pam, with a beautiful view
over valley and lake.
do not literally take
their bold ad: ""we make all dreams come true!""
"
"once a flourishing harbour, well known,
gave its name to that sea of its own,
tween italo-albanian
mediterranean
coasts?now it's inland, alone.
"
"in biblical times the old babel
had a sinners' den image or label,
but sin or a vice
is now in, funny, nice;
we are anytime willing and able!
"
"bavaria (shorter: by)
is a state that's in german called frei.
don't know why any bayer
feels he's a bit freier?
a statement i strictly deny.
"
"at the tip (acro-, greek) in each line:
crossing words as in scrabble design.
reading columns' extension
opens second dimension.
stic means line, so this fits rather fine.
"
"prussian soldiers were told to march fast
to help wellington out on the vast
bloody waterloo site.
led by bl?cher, their fight
made napoleon's battle his last.
"
"it's?without alchemistical malices?
found from a detailed analysis:
a chemistry master,
to get products faster,
makes use of the art of catalysis.
"
"an eye for an eye and a tooth
for a tooth show old laws' simple truth:
that no punishment be
more severe than how we
with our crimes have been wrong or uncouth.
"
"to norway annexed by decree;
in the southern atlantic; and free
from inhabitants, human;
its cliffs icy loomin':
it's the cold, empty islet bv.
"
"used in cults as a natural dope,
amanita muscaria's scope
of effects runs from thrilling
to (occasionally) killing:
is the thrill worth the risk? i'd say ""nope!""
"
"german wurst, english sausage: the same!
but consider the blood pudding's name:
blutwurst sausage is trouble?
the word sausage used double?
though that isn't the source of its fame.
"
"you address someone unknown by email
as ""dear sir"", and expect ""him"" to remail?
a girl, so addressed,
might feel injured or stressed
and call such a mistake antifemale!
"
"a sausage (though not pepperoni)
of beef, veal, and pork, never bony,
or nonsense pretending
it's wisdom unending:
both go by the name of baloney.
"
"to bathe might be fun, not just cleaning,
even more so if you are convening
in a huge bathing tub,
at a free bathers' club,
whatever its aims might be meaning.
"
"the city of basel is swiss,
and a visit would not be amiss:
lots of sights here to see
(though it's no place to ski),
and for lovers of art it is bliss!
"
"big problems if food-needs surpass
our earth's agricultural mass.
a true revolution
was dung's substitution:
fritz haber made bread from a gas!
"
"you visit a posh kind of spa,
where you meet a girl wearing no bra?
quite well-built, nothing wrong,
she looks strong in her thong?
your surprise is expressed as: ""aha!""
"
"fascination with birds' views ? and fun:
archaeology, aerially done.
from above, it has found
things unseen on the ground,
in the light of a red rising sun.
"
"it's a book that made history quake,
shaking working-class sleepers awake.
did its author, karl marx,
into powder throw sparks?
fair opinion, or reader's mistake?
"
"marseilles would be best  as the place
for a first time to test bouillabaisse.
that's a soup made of fish,
and this wonderful dish
seasons seafood with saffron and grace.
"
"this weapon, a dagger-like blade,
can be used by a rifle brigade.
as a tube in a heater,
it is peaceful, much neater:
of such bayonets no one's afraid.
"
"as a kanzler he tried to increase
mankind's hope that the cold war might cease.
eastern folks cried like silly:
""willy brandt! wir woll'n willy!""?
and he won the nobel prize for peace.
"
"""what the hell is that stuff called bn?
something borin' outside of my ken?""
""it's not borin', you moron,
it's nitrite of boron,
i've told you again and again!""
"
"for high voltage you need electricians,
while blockage requires physicians.
-age turns post into fee,
and i guess you'll agree:
it's a suffix conveying conditions.
"
"to find out which actor would best
fit a part in my play, there's a test
on a couch, everlasting,
well-suited for casting...
as the winner, you've left me impressed.
"
"what a task! a cathedral so high
and so wide, we shall build?with a sky-
scraping steeple to hold
all the words ever told
in our language! at least so we try...
"
"though he wasn't the son of a queen,
in the dynasty number 18,
ay was crowned as a king
after tut's death, to cling
to the throne for some time in between.
"
"our great alma mater will stamp us
alumni, and try to revamp us,
then ask for donations
to certain foundations
to fix up her ugly old campus.
"
"there was a professor at cambridge
who never went back on the same bridge
from the college of trinity
to his home's own vicinity:
he detoured to play with a dame...bridge?
"
"he's a male offspring seen from one other
of the children both born from one mother.
this guy or this maid
now might call him for aid:
""you must help me, you know, you're my brother!""
"
"current counting of centuries bc
appears awfully awkward to me,
for the ancients (if sages)
had negative ages
if they counted the same way as we.
"
"aspirin' to find a good pill,
doktor hoffmann, whose father was ill,
made the aspirin?thank heaven?
in 1897,
our #1 painkiller still!
"
"the family of fungi named a-
garicaceae's crossing your way.
have a closer look, dear?
we would otherwise fear
you might eat the wrong mushroom one day!
"
"the element written bk
is synthetic, or man-made, okay?
large mass will combine
with a small one just fine:
americium plus helium, let's say!
"
"rhetorically used, it's a leap
from pathos in speech, by a sweep
or a ludicrous change,
down to commonplace range,
called bathos, from bathys, or ""deep"".
"
"whenever some others agree
with what i said?or simply with me?
my feeling is strong
that i must have been wrong.
that's the way oscar wilde used to be!
"
"its cars sell worldwide?aren't they great?
its cuisine and its schools rank first-rate.
if its spelling might trouble you,
just call it bw:
it is germany's ""model-type state"".
"
"l'alsace, that is one of the parts
of old europe that's strong in the arts,
in cuisine and in wine.
what a pleasure to dine
in alsatia (as found on old charts).
"
"michael faraday's lectures won't dandle
young people, but help them to handle,
in practice, the trick
that is  done by the wick
when we light up a stick of a candle.
"
"you should visit amboise (it's not far),
a small town and ch?teaux, reached by car?
you can't miss it for sure?
from the city of tours
on the banks of the river named loire.
"
"your weight (rather: mass) by height squared,
in si units aptly prepared,
gives a thickness account
of your body's amount:
bmi: health in numbers declared.
"
"an attempt to come closer, approach
may refer to a movement by coach
or by car, or by talking,
or even by walking,
sneakin' up on some game you might poach.
"
"believe me, i'm truly not jokin':
words used as a symbol, a token,
may sound a bit funny?
like girl, dubbed a bunny?
but that's analogically spoken!
"
"frankish kings, ruling gallo-germanic
parts of europe, were somewhat tyrannic;
more than old merovingians,
these carolingians
kept the old saxons in panic.
"
"toward western-style freedom he leaned,
and wore denim, not too often cleaned,
like those trousers ? i mean
those that made jimmy dean
look so cool and so sexy, blue-jeaned.
"
"the city of bremen, a state,
with its harbor (or hafen)'s not great
when it's judged by its size.
but this statement belies
its true economical weight.
"
"during lent, brother kent told the pastor,
""i'm a pious and god-fearing faster.
no meat, only fish
comes these days on my dish,
such as herring, or carp, or a castor.""
"
"know what backlog in olden times meant?
a big log to restrict the extent
of a hearth for a fire.
workaholics aspire
now to keep it to zero percent!
"
"once, alcohol drinking was thought
to be evil: it had to be fought
by a strict prohibition?
an impossible mission,
as history has bloodily taught.
"
"asymptotic solutions are fine.
each appears as a single straight line
on the plot of your function;
but two in conjunction
will make a good tool for design.
"
"is ""empirical"" antitheoretical?
this question i pose is poetical,
but there's nothing as good
as a theory we could
put in practice?not just hypothetical.
"
"once you've dined here, you want to return.
a black forest location, we learn,
culinarily seen,
is what bonn once had been.
baiersbronn, for your cooking i yearn!
"
"using ablauts, a german-coined word,
makes you sing like a geeky rare bird.
'cause with dim, dam is dumb,
read 'em: ""swim, swam, and swum"",
and inflection's triadically heard.
"
"after bamberg in northern bavaria,
or franken, as we call that area,
see w?rzburg's fine sights.
for cuisine that delights,
take my tour (so i'll get honoraria)!
"
"use the letters called a, m and b
to abbreviate, as you can see
in amb(assador), or
as a prefix before
your own -ition, from -iguity free.
"
"blood vessels?the arteries and veins?
are the pipelines your body contains.
if they ever get blocked
'cause some fat has them locked,
infarctions impend, making pains.
"
"""law of cooling"", we call?and admire?
what he found, a bit far from the higher
laws of physics and maths.
newton's less well-known paths:
alchemistically playing with fire.
"
"the body's defence (immune) system,
fighting antigens, grabs 'em to twist 'em.
if for someone small fractions
cause overreactions,
allergology helps to resist 'em.
"
"is it ""forming an annulus""? no!
rather ""making invalid"", or so.
annulling, as action:
revision, retraction?
or setting a 1 back to 0.
"
"bp (former british) respond
to the finite resources: beyond
old petroleum's claims
point their new global aims,
so they cut off the national bond.
"
"it's a hieroglyph used to write both:
to live and the life (with its growth).
tutankhamen, the name
reads as ""reed"", ""board of game"",
""bread"", ""chick"", ""bread"" and the ankh; on my oath!
"
"a sea specked with islands once came?
as the mountain range on 'em?to fame,
like a capital of state,
to be named, what a fate,
after otto von??, von what's-his-name.
"
"how can thee ever earn a degree
as the one shortly written bd?
only gods are divine,
if we strictly define;
so that quality's not due to ye!
"
"see that mushroom's fine bay-colored cap,
yellow pores underneath? lightly tap!
do they show blue-green stains
while the background remains?
pick the harmless bolete?it's a snap.
"
"the most daring achievement, to build
a cathedral (by masons, unskilled?),
which twice tumbled down,
in beauvais, that fine town,
at last has been partly fulfilled.
"
"herpes simplex, a virus, infects
what a lover at first look suspects
if in bed (silk and satin?):
lips, and those named in latin.
antiherpes: the cure he selects.
"
"it has long been a part of my plan
to visit the beaches of cannes:
girls, so amorous, show
lots of glamorous peau
where the rich and the beauteous tan.
"
"such a bag filled with air that is fired
takes you up and away?as desired?
you will not reach the moon
in a hot-air balloon?
but returning ? terre, you're admired.
"
"a container from oak in curved staves?
held by hoops made of metal?which saves
its good contents, how fine,
from becoming cheap wine:
a barrique safely stored in the caves.
"
"it decodes hieroglyphic inscriptions
once carved by the ancient egyptians:
the stone of rosetta,
which bm would get?a
forced transfer which caused french conniptions.
"
"""leonardo's bike"", clearly a fake,
puts the bicycle's history at stake.
not as rapidly cleared
as it once had appeared:
some ""historians"" back that mistake.
"
"free enzymes, the zymase at least,
suffice?outside cells of the yeast?
to get sugars fermented:
so buchner presented...
then he dined at nobel's banquet feast.
"
"once synthetic blue dye's first supplier,
this chemist attained a much higher
degree of success?
prix nobel and noblesse:
j. f. w. adolf von baeyer.
"
"hindoo dancing girl; french: bayad?re;
bailadeira in portuguese?they're
english bayadere's source;
this we nowadays force
into dubbing a striped fabric ware!
"
"for a riverboat tour in some style,
the old cataract, close to an isle,
wasn't really obstructive,
nor counterproductive?
not in agatha's death on the nile.
"
"with his tongue in a gag, burned alive,
nine years after he dared to arrive
at venice?back home?
he was killed then at rome.
his ideas, however, survive.
"
"keep running, keep riding, keep driving,
for higher acknowledgement striving?
go take off and fly,
but the best you should try?
at your dreams' destination arriving!
"
"when a pair of my statements conflict,
yet the reasons behind them are strict,
i'm possessed by antinomy?
loser and winner, me!
somehow, i think i've been tricked.
"
"""i appreciate plain, simple taste,""
oscar wilde's often quoted, misplaced:
""just simple, not new:
it's the best that will do!""
less than best might be seen as a waste.
"
"anglicismes in french are taboo!
they're the non-words we try to eschew:
courriel?not e-mail.
notre langue will prevail!
bon weekend, darling, merci beaucoup!
"
"looking back at my youth, i can see
crazy dreams of a boy such as me:
without money or fame,
as a goal i would aim
just to share b&b with bb.
"
"growing wild on the meadows and hills
is a genus of fungi with gills
that have spores chocolate-brown;
they're of cooking renown.
safe collection requires some skills.
"
"while you went for a weekend to rome,
your new washer spat masses of foam.
it smothered the floor,
barely dammed by the door:
you will need antifoam when you're home.
"
"from an iceberg a piece (less than half)
or the back of one's shank?do not laugh?
or an islet not far
from an island: these are?
like a bovine-born baby?called calf.
"
"the founding of banks is much better
than robbing or being one's debtor.
you'll grow with the crew,
and you'll get what is due
as director and salary setter.
"
"it's a city we nowadays know,
but existed a long time ago,
ruled by rome and by britain?
now in french it is written
on millions of bottles: bordeaux.
"
"new bonapartism around
1850 in europe was found:
the old emperor's glory
now gilt the bad story
of millions of dead in the ground.
"
"the rain on the plain falls acidically.
we must act, or we'll find the world's critically
on the brink. what this means:
the exhaust from machines
needs equipment that cleans catalytically.
"
"break-even: this point marks a stage
which a process may reach at some age?
neither profit nor loss
in the figures that cross
on the bookkeeper's balance-sheet page.
"
"""i'm mabel; i'm willing; i'm able,""
said the girl, seeming somewhat unstable,
""we may do it at will
where you'll get the best thrill:
on the floor, on the roof, or the table.""
"
"flu or allergy's no joking matter.
your immune system's blamed for the latter.
foreign matter's a danger;
your immune cell as ranger
might strike back as mad as a hatter!
"
"in the age of ""magnificent lawrence"",
some sandro, who looked with abhorrence
on a corpulent belly,
was called botticelli:
a marvellous painter of florence.
"
"d. bernoulli was early and great:
when he published a book on the state
of his knowledge on flow?
which was not at all low?
it was seventeen-thirty-and-eight.
"
"to fit cleopatra's great fame,
some hieroglyphs used in her name
were ""lasso"", ""lips"", ""lion"",
and ""hand""?as if tryin'
to keep ""vulture"" aleph quite tame.
"
"looking up to the heavens for aid
stood a poet with writer's blockade.
but the muse of old greeks
wouldn't kiss him for weeks:
such a heartless aonian maid!
"
"it's a part that's unpaired?anatomical?
prone to failure, but more economical:
azygos i mean,
like your liver or spleen.
(for a human who's single, it's comical.)
"
"alsatians speak french and alsatian.
they're proud to belong to the nation
called la grande or the brave,
which to yankees once gave
huge miss liberty?great dedication!
"
"biggest killers today: carcinoma,
and heart attack through atheroma:
fatty acids kill cells,
as my doctor now tells,
leading thus to their lethal symptoma.
"
"our starchy-food paraphernalia,
from canada down to australia,
are made from materials
of grasses, the cereals,
scientifically called cerealia.
"
"the rich and the mighty, my dear,
and the beauteous, never must fear
being wrongly neglected.
they're strongly protected:
celebrity makes it all clear!
"
"will a bubble rise slower in thicker,
yet not-quite-as-heavy, new liquor?
archimedes in mind,
as a number defined,
renders problem solution much quicker.
"
"cf means ""rewritten, as from
an amount of a column, its sum,
to another, the next,
in a bookkeeper's text"",
or ""compare"", as in ""snare cf. drum"".
"
"northeast of hannover's a city,
not big but quite old and so pretty.
you'll find there as well a
fine castle at celle;
don't miss it, it would be a pity!
"
"the physicist ferdinand braun
was a person of worldwide renown.
he invented that tube,
now oft ""prefixed"" by boob?
used as adjective?putting it down.
"
"thermal processes end up with heat;
its rejection's a task you must meet.
there's no river nearby?
i suggest that you try
some air-cooled exchanger of heat.
"
"friedrich bergius made it his goal:
liquid fuel obtained out of coal.
he, together with bosch,
made some processes posh
where high pressure keeps playing a role.
"
"it's a hieroglyph used as a frame
for inscribing a pharaoh's full name:
a cartouche. and a cartridge
to shoot, say, a partridge,
or an outline resembling the same.
"
"archimedes once taught us of buoyancy.
to learn it, please purchase a toy an' see
how, by pressing the cap
of the bottle, that chap
called the imp will increase your enjoyancy.
"
"in cc carbon copy, chief clerk,
country clubs, common carriers lurk;
and closed-captioned (not loud),
cirrocumulus (cloud),
and a measure of volume (not work).
"
". . and the liquid climbs upward in wicks
: to form vapor that's going to mix
: with the air in the flame ?
: light and heat from the same
: melt the solid ? and now the flame licks ?
: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :
"
"as a chemist i feel satisfaction
when i speed up a chemic reaction.
i try everything that a list
will cite as a catalyst?
of that i then add a small fraction.
"
"belly dancers, for tips, come to my row;
a dervish now spins like a gyro.
we're dining in style
on the banks of the nile
in the ""mother of towns"", egypt's cairo.
"
"a frequently made diagnosis
in your arteries: atherosclerosis
first attacks in your heart?
rarely elsewhere will start.
fatty acids there cause apoptosis.
"
"kurf?rst friedrich v, in his strife
for a kingdom, saw chances were rife.
as archdapifer first,
then archbutler ('gainst thirst?),
he could serve lizzy stuart, his wife.
"
"the barmaid looks sexy, though slender;
you ask yourself: might she be tender?
with bartender's art
she keeps brawlers apart,
irrespective of faith, age, or gender!
"
"as adventurer, lover, and writer,
or bold escapee he was brighter
than others before:
casanova made more
than a century of women's hearts lighter.
"
"try to walk at an elegant pace,
putting all thirteen feet in their place.
it's not easy, my dear,
just by following lear,
to get limericks ready to race.
"
"arithmetic mean (straight in between)?
geometric mean (product's root, lean)?
inequality, see,
tells us: a's more than g,
but if a equals b, mean is mean!
"
"see a church that is simply called wies,
in baroque style, a masterly piece.
k?nigsschl?sser a must?
it's too crowded, dear?trust:
there's no need for a further increase.
"
"six hieroglyph symbols suffice
for ankhesenamen. that's nice;
it takes us twelve letters.
the writing trend-setters
were obviously twice as concise.
"
"go south, the ""romantical route""
just for sightseeing?this will be cute:
via ansbach, detour,
but see augsburg for sure,
take a rest, have a drink or some fruit.
"
"bad's not bad, though their spelling's the same,
but the word used before a town's name?
speak the ""a"" as an ""ah""?
means a spring or a spa
with some balneological claim.
"
"the air very close to the wall
of an object, fast moving, recall,
is the boundary layer.
it keeps every player
from awfully far kicking a ball.
"
"boussinesq, or, for short, just bq,
is a number that's used by a few
engineers in reflection
of natural convection
with low-viscous fluids in view.
"
"the adige (etsch)?from a lake
in the alps?flows south-eastward to make
its path close to the po.
these two rivers form no
common third one: their delta's a fake.
"
"bourguignon, bourguignonne is a meal
with some burgundy's saucy appeal.
it's best known as that beef
which, in common belief,
swims in wine sauce; let's take a good deal!
"
"lower egypt's kings' symbol's the bee
(egyptologists' ""bj.t"").
nicely carved in the stone,
or just painted, it's shown
over names of the kings as a key.
"
"from his new point of view, he would show
how heat engines' efficiencies grow.
for each cycle that's real
there's a limit, ideal:
so theorized sadi carnot.
"
"contradictory laws?nothing comic?
in logic we call antinomic.
but what's antimonic?
an acid, ionic,
of stibium, metal, atomic.
"
"count its elements (simple formality)
to find a whole set's cardinality.
georg cantor, from slumber,
woke up with a number
transfinite?and reached immortality.
"
"do we both share the same point of view?
is there anything certain for you
as my insight, for sure,
that our future's obscure,
or the phrase, ""one plus one equals two""?
"
"""would bn to see more on the screen.
that bn-rating has been
grossly wrong,"" he went on,
""they show bear hugs in bn,
bn one piece of skin's to be seen!""
"
"""an adeno- (grown in a gland)
carcinoma, which seems to expand,
first developed its growth
exponentially,"" quoth
my old doctor. ""you do understand?""
"
"mammalia that live in formations
of sea-water-flooded locations?
not fish, clams, or snails,
but dolphins and whales?
belong to a group called cetaceans.
"
"assortatively paired mate-to-mate
'cause you look, act, and sound like your date?
while birds of a feather
may well flock together,
being forced to is something they'd hate.
"
"in photography now you can see
only digicams, making you free
from the film that would store
all your pictures before.
what gets photo(n)s to chips? ccd.
"
"when reading the letters bj,
in caps or in lc display,
they might either mean
the country benin,
or the latest bad joke of the day.
"
"sun with rays ending smoothly in hands
is a sign that for him only stands:
one god, aten, self-made
by a pharaoh who paid
with his life for his god in the sands.
"
"what do chemical engineers do?
not the chemists' jobs, that's a wrong view!
in processes, serial,
they master material
like orange juice, diapers, and glue.
"
"on our visit to tuscany's sites
val d'elsa, a valley, invites:
see certaldo, a place
with far more than a trace
of boccaccio?this spirit delights!
"
"""what's the reason,"" she asked, ""that i feel,
when i'm near you, so much sex-appeal?""
""dear, it's clear that this is muh
strong pers'nal charisma,
which made you in front of me kneel!""
"
"in geometry books you may seek
and, in case you have found 'em, might speak:
""if i really did need ya,
dear chiliahedra,
i'd not count your faces in greek!""
"
"there is no equilibrium? strange?
no, that's life with its permanent change:
nothing stays as it is
in this puzzle or quiz
where the answers are out of my range.
"
"a contemporary?poet lombardo?
of the genius of arts, leonardo,
while writing orlando
led a ducal commando:
matteo maria boiardo.
"
"alpine glaciers (ice streaming downhill)
tell us now?by their melting?there will,
in a not-too-long range,
be a radical change
in our climate: diluvian thrill?
"
"the first step up on academe's ladders:
a bachelor's degree of what matters,
b. of arts, b. of science,
b. of any appliance?
mayb. soon b. of internet chatters?
"
"as a chemical, once it was salt,
but this usage has come to a halt,
and now cerebrate reigns
as a verb. ""use your brains"",
or ""to think"", it denotes, by default.
"
"g?tz von berlichingen, robber and knight?
on whose life the great goethe would write?
would he say, ""lick my ass!""?
not in english, alas,
but in german? i do think he might.
"
"as a tender, she serves at a bar,
filling once again many a jar;
but my chum in his car laid
this bonnie young barmaid,
and now has an ugly red scar.
"
"from latin and greek, as memorial?
for forests, winds, lakes (territorial),
and lights that shine forth,
if they're found in the north?
comes the adjective known to be boreal.
"
"adolf butenandt's studying zones
were the chemical structure's unknowns
of those molecules which
in the seven year itch
played a leading role: sex(y) hormones.
"
"cfd, when applied by a master,
makes turbines, and air traffic, faster.
but can aerodynamics
and better ceramics
cause a fast dna mix disaster?
"
"for replacements of parts anatomical,
it's better (and more economical)
to decide, as their owner,
to act as a donor?
an option that's not at all comical.
"
"blue leg mushrooms, or blewits, are found
with a blue-to-brown button that's round.
underneath, they have gills.
and the stem? that fulfills
what the name means?stems blue from the ground.
"
"as an early chauffeuse, bertha benz,
just to visit her mother and friends,
took her husband's new car
and then drove rather far?
she started those new-fashioned trends.
"
"always upstream, down south, on the nile,
see aswan, and then stay for a while:
watch the wealth of its sights
and enjoy its delights,
now you've cruised here in classical style.
"
"the styles of bret harte and the queen,
in the english tongue?know what i mean??
may appear on a par;
but for me it's bizarre
to be writing betwixt and between.
"
"cleopatra's erotical fame
prompted julius caesar to claim
her most fertile of regions...
to feed all his legions
or fan his own personal flame?
"
"whether kelvin or rankine's your scale,
it's the absolute temperature's trail
where all efforts to reach
strictly zero?they teach?
are condemned, absolutely, to fail.
"
"the motorcar built by carl benz
once followed the bike-riding trends,
but as motorization
caused traffic inflation:
it's faster by bicycle, friends!
"
"to bring nameplates of finest enamel back,
mohammad first had to untrammel bac,
his bactrian ""truck"",
to transport, with good luck,
all those plates to his clients on camelback.
"
"auxerrois, white or gris, may be known
to the well-informed vintner alone:
not a great famous wine,
but it's doubtlessly fine,
from its burgundy grapes so well grown.
"
"a fictional name ending -meier
(of a person in worthy attire?)
with bieder- before
means a style and decor
of the furniture meiers desire.
"
"in burgundy's north you can find
a small city to keep in your mind,
because experts agree
that the wine of chablis
may be greater than most of its kind.
"
"an epoch whose first signs awoke
by around sixteen hundred, it broke
from the classic renaissance
to show the complaisance
of artists towards princes: baroque!
"
"a bath, splish-a-splash, in champagne,
with a girl aptly named, say, elaine,
makes a tubful of pleasure;
quite expensive a measure,
and it all might have just been in vain!
"
"he's bilingual ? a wonderful skill.
but it brings an ambivalent thrill:
how the hell can he choose
which language to use
for his limerick?...a pair fills the bill!
"
"for the first time, he managed preparing
antitoxins?a task rather daring?
of tetanus and
of diphtheria; grand,
what von behring with others was sharing.
"
"a limerick is, by design,
a poem that's written five-line;
counting feet, i have seen
there are always thirteen.
anapestic ones? that would be fine!
"
"under apple trees, easy to grapple,
lies a fruit that becomes liquid apple.
apple juice, so they say,
keeps the doctor away.
have a glassful each day if poss-apple.
"
"the ablaut, a german root's ""herb"",
may be ""plucked"" when inflecting a verb,
as in fly, flew, and flown,
but not cry, crew, and crone.
such examples don't help?they disturb!
"
"go from munich to salzburg and take
there at chiemsee a not-too-short break.
see the palace (french style,
li'l versailles) on an isle
in this greatest bavarian lake.
"
"a pass to the vorarlberg side,
through the basins-of-rivers' divide,
'tween the danube and rhine's
got two bypass tube lines:
tunnel arlberg. enjoy a safe ride!
"
"to cycle, or ride on a bike,
brings you forward, your health just alike.
on a bicycle lane,
you don't struggle in vain:
for your health's account biking's a hike.
"
"anisotropism often is heard
in material science: a word
to describe the effect
(by a tensor, correct?)
that directions are sometimes preferred!
"
"a bugbear's a make-believe ghost,
kind o' scarecrow that's used, as the host
to frighten a child
who acts rudely, and wild?
scares him into behaving, at most.
"
"it is glazed with some paintings or tracings?
a tile used in wainscots, as facings:
azulejo's the name
that from arabic came
into spanish and portuguese placings.
"
"the anlaut's the sound that is heard
when we start to pronounce any word.
now in anlaut it's rather
the ""ah"" as in father,
not the anlaut of words like absurd.
"
"the ""ibis"" reads akh, ""waves"" are -en,
""reed"", ""bread loaf"", and ""waves"" once again,
plus a ""sun""?hieroglyphic?
add -aten; terrific
for amen's priests, tough mighty men.
"
"reach a mountain range not very far
from the rh?ne: simply follow the gard!
back in 1710,
in these rocky c?vennes,
royal troops killed the last camisards.
"
"his memoirs (quite frank, not ironical,
nor anywhere reading laconical)
he wrote, in his home?
the lord of brant?me;
a renaissance society's chronicle.
"
"was belzoni in fact more a raider,
or explorer and top excavator
of egypt's antiquities?
history's iniquities
make him appear somewhat greater.
"
"there's a poisonous metal, cd;
if a battery's dumped, it's set free.
it is known to cause cancer,
a horrible answer
to careless polluters like me.
"
"he's guided the traveller since
1829: heed what he prints!
where to stay overnight,
how to find a great sight:
in the baedeker, stars* serve as hints.
"
"no nonsense, he wasn't a frosh.
engineering and chemistry (gosh!)
let him put into practice
what still can attract us:
the process of haber and bosch.
"
"what the hell's that mysterious source
of a liquid flow?upwards of course?
that occurs in a wick?
there's no magical trick:
the capillary attraction's the force.
"
"alexandria's polymath greek
read from shadows' small angles, oblique
to a tower at noon
(21st day in june),
the whole size of the earth?so to speak!
"
"she's bilingual?a marvellous flair!
but it's even a little unfair:
mental lexical fights
in which language one writes
the next limerick?...she writes a pair!
"
"there is civil, mechanical, or
electrical. what? even more
engineering, polemical?
oh, i missed chemical!
these are the classical four.
"
"the force of repulsion/attraction
of electric charge-charge interaction
shows decreasing persistence
with the square of the distance
(the divisor in coulomb's law's fraction).
"
"to sep'rate a liquid-phase mix
of components requires no tricks
if it's nearly a binary,
like wine in a winery,
that's distilled to a brandy. cheers, hicks!
"
"a stone as a piece of a wall, it
projects and is rough, after all it
will look like...a grape?
and the rustic work shape:
it is bossage that architects  call it.
"
"now with -oc-, side-by-side: collocation,
which with -iqu- now let's melt: colliquation.
we'll find collineation
in collaboration.
this collection of words: a collation!
"
"it's a first academic degree
(not an unmarried scientist he)
or the feces of bulls.
such bs sometimes pulls
down the cows, if it ends with an e.
"
"an adverb (with of), i have read,
is applied to the guys who are said
to be more in advance,
giving slow ones no chance,
'cause they're running in front or ahead.
"
"condensation of moisture from air
can be seen as small droplets where there
are cool faces below
what as ""dew point"" we know;
a component and heat transfer pair.
"
"in physics most constants depend
on the units your texts recommend.
from system to system
they vary! so list 'em
in units we all comprehend.
"
"we get bhang from an indian plant
known as hemp; it's a drug. but we can't
well distinguish, if heard,
other bangs from that word:
like the noise when i blew up my aunt.
"
"in jewelry design certain floral
motifs use the colorful coral:
the red or pink bones
of sea creatures (not stones);
but destroying their reefs is immoral.
"
"a surface, if solid, attracts
some molecules?matter of facts:
such as o2 from air,
or a similar pair?
it's adsorptive in pores and in cracks.
"
"there's a tool called adjustable spanner,
at least in the brits' speaking manner.
their overseas kin
throw a monkey wrench in?
to unfasten a pole for their banner?
"
"numbers, letters, and arrows appear
in the chemical formulae we're
used to writing to show
that from h, c, n, o
we get most of our substance, my dear!
"
"a code's a collection of laws
that is useful in case of a cause,
or the cryptic long lines
of the pairs of the signs
that, deciphering a text, bring applause.
"
"cyclohexane in boat form's less stable
than in chair form, we'll find in a table.
both hands up, that's the ""boat""?\___/
up and down, let's denote
by a ""chair"" as its structural label: \___\
"
"his persons look lighter and smaller
in landscapes with trees so much taller.
albrecht altdorfer's  view
of our world was quite new:
look at details! pure joy to a scholar!
"
"last century one edmund c. bentley
reduced, more or less consequently,
biographical finds
to this form of four lines...
"
"it's a name of old fame for a boy,
and a place to embrace, don't be coy:
alexanderplatz, alex,
aptly set in italics,
when you visit berlin, you'll enjoy.
"
"this circular triangle's fine?
all its vertices lie in one line!
it's a shape that looks marvelous,
aptly called arbelos:
beauteous classic design.
"
"'mong regular polygons they're
a ""species"" that's obviously rare.
it is found in old books,
and that chiliagon looks
like a circle, and not-at-all square.
"
"said a well-known professor in sweden,
while on temperature measurement readin',
""look at me, anders celsius!
old scales go to hell! see us:
both i and my scale are succeedin'!""
"
"funny funnel-shaped fungi that sell
like hot cakes (that means ""awfully well""),
they are called cantharellus
in the tongue of marcellus;
and in english they're dubbed chanterelle.
"
"tie a pen to a pin on a board;
draw the limit the cord will afford:
the result of your work'll
be the graph of a circle
in 2?-periodic accord.
"
"individuals often display
lots of knowledge they then will convey
to a group to be shared
among all. when declared
to be ""common"", it's shortened ck.
"
"if you shake a small cinnamon tree,
try to break only thinner twigs free.
you can make, with their inner
bark, cake for your dinner?
no fake, it's a winner for me!
"
"doktor freud caused indignant, loud screams,
when he set up dream symbols and schemes
to interpret the id,
where we secretly hid
what cigars might (uhm) stand for in dreams.
"
"made with chitlins (from hogs) or with tripe,
oddly named in a hybrid-type hype
is the andouillette sausage,
a linguistical crossage.
for purists, it's reason to gripe.
"
"this award, since it's given to me,
makes me happy and proud as can be.
my competitor's green
with an envious mien:
he'd have loved to be the awardee.
"
"a fraction of incoming light
called albedo (from latin for ""white""),
not absorbed but reflected,
leaves earth unaffected
yet makes it look terrably bright.
"
"what is chemical energy, say?
a potential one, given away
in reactions. we need
it so badly to feed,
and to fuel our cars, day by day.
"
"it's the greatest of all the ch?teaux 
de la loire and a must, you should know!
you've not seen it before,
le ch?teau de chambord?
it's a renaissance marvel, a show.
"
"in the gdr once it was named
karl-marx-stadt?as communists claimed.
but today they condemn its
odd name, and it's chemnitz
again, as in olden times?famed.
"
"once we jumped from our jungle location,
walked as bipeds in hunters' formation,
learned to kill and to cook?
but the closer we look,
there's no progress in civilization.
"
"latin's alphabet doesn't supply
single-symboled, as greek's does, a ?.
we keep ""ch"" combined
as one letter in mind...
and write ?mas, how funnily sly!
"
"for complete, large, or full, by example
take the rhyme word, sans ""ex"", simply: ample.
now what's ampleness, guess!
many synonyms, yes,
such as amplitude, fullness, now sample.
"
"""it was done by a certain bob rose""
is by some guys in everyday prose
almost certainly used
in a sense (got confused?)
of ""unknown""?so uncertain, i s'pose.
"
"have you heard of the term cismontane?
its meaning i'll try to explain:
""on my side of this range,
of these mountains.""  sound strange?
france is tramontane once you're in spain.
"
"though formally fixed?repetitious?
egyptian art's always delicious.
new viewpoints?of sun?
brought the artists more fun:
the amarna art style seemed capricious.
"
"this spanish-named ""whitehouse"" is found
south of spain on a kingdom's own ground,
in the (french) lingua franca
still called casablanca?
for its huge modern mosque now renowned.
"
"capillarity's force, or its tension:
in physicists' clear comprehension?
as from known laws predicted?
an effect that's restricted
to ""spaces"" of lower dimension.
"
"it's a unit to measure your gem,
or the width of a tulip's green stem,
or the length of a bee,
not too big, not too wee,
'bout four tenths of an inch: one cm.
"
"right in front of his class he'd present 'em
conservation of mass and momentum
as the laws they would need
to determine the speed
of the jet that bill lear once had lent him.
"
"cook some chicken (you might observe froth)
in some water to get a nice broth:
not yet sauce, not yet soup,
but a base for this group
of low viscous food staining your cloth.
"
"conservation of energy means
that we never will teach our machines
to do work without need
of an input of feed,
such as sunlight, or oil, or some beans.
"
"they are obstacles, solid, in flows:
heat exchangers have many of those
so-called baffles, segmental,
to guide the flow, gentle,
speed it up, and to fix the tube's rows.
"
"it is called the ""frankonian crown"",
the citadel over the town
of coburg on itz,
with its sightseeing hits
and its ducally lasting renown.
"
"the rosetta stone's triple-tongued text
left the linguists long puzzled, perplexed.
and not young but the younger
champollion stilled our hunger
for hieroglyphs?young then felt vexed.
"
"every chemical process that runs
may produce goods for living or ones
that are used as a weapon
to fight those who step in
to your range of interest with guns.
"
"in ancient rome's army they led
a century, who killed and who bled;
but oedilfian centurions?
like true epicureans?
write hundreds of limericks instead.
"
"""convection"" is simply conduction
into fluids in motion (by suction
or pression), no new
kind of path. it's but two
modes of heat transfer: heed my instruction!
"
"cut a cone in some sense, or direction,
by planes to obtain a collection
of curves called?how cryptic?
hyper-parabol-liptic.
they are each but a mere conic section.
"
"chief executive officers are
the most powerful persons so far.
like an empress, a ruler?
these players act cooler;
they manage our global bazaar!
"
"to predict certain rates, your equation
is a linear kinetic relation?
what's the right coefficient?
you're not yet omniscient?
so try out some bold estimation!
"
"brown or yellowish garnets are known
by a flavorful name of their own.
they may serve as a luller
for your babe. from their color
they're aptly called cinnamon stone.
"
"from its circular base its wall zone
slopes up to a point? that's a cone!
spin a triangle's plane
'round one side and again:
each other side's path shapes...a cone!
"
"once a mace meant a stick, used to hit
one's opponents?which now seems unfit.
now they hit in your face
with a chemical mace;
a smash hit of a name, i admit.
"
"carbon spreads out its arms into space
where it holds four more atoms in grace?
from methane you can
get four chlorides?the plan:
let the chlorines the h's replace.
"
"mds might become schizophrenic:
can foodstuffs fight cancer?galenic?
could pomegranate, rocket,
or broccoli block it?
they're all anticarcinogenic.
"
"what's the physical reason behind
certain structures in matter? the kind
of crystalline change
across temperature range
we can, calorimetrically, find.
"
"ever seen such a polygon, where
the sides are no more than a pair?
it's quite aptly called biangle
and the next two are triangle
(if circular-sided), and square.
"
"kinetics, if  chemical, tell
us how long it will take till we smell?
using noses as testers?
the products, like esters,
once acid and booze are mixed well.
"
"one last chapter, in fact, she was loath
to compose. so for this one on ""sloth""
she would share (just one fourth) her
great book as co-author
with her lover: the cover names both!
"
"she was clad in a ""swimsuit"" of clay,
took a bath at the beach in the bay,
came ashore in the buff;
earthen wear's not enough
when the waves wash and wear it away!
"
"his state of annoyance, or peevage,
was suddenly changed to quivivage
when he saw that young nellie,
south of throat, north of belly,
showed the valley (v-shaped) of her cleavage.
"
"you've seen the true-life runnin' dino,
white, red-eyed, a dino albino,
chomp a girl's thigh or breast?
that was truly the best
cgi animation that i know!
"
"our chancellor (i mean the new)
looked so nice when she made her debut
as our government's head,
and george doubleu said:
""dearest angie, here's looking at you!""
"
"on some laws not yet thought of before,
ludwig boltzmann found out so much more
than some colleagues could bear;
but two great ones still share
names of laws we can never ignore.
"
"on the island of crete there's a place
near that mountain which looks like the face
of old zeus. and its name
is archanes. its fame?
the minoans left more than a trace.
"
"need some chemicals, fast? cast a glance
over germany, switzerland, france:
all along the great streams
our big industry seems
to produce them in hundreds of plants.
"
"alpha-, beta-, i guess?not iota-,
but x-rays detected herr bothe?
walther w. g.?
and by doing so, he
could increase our nobel prizes' quota.
"
"from the vividly red-colored ore
that was used long ago for decor,
the vermilion, or cinnabar,
we also could win a bar;
it's height gives the pressure in torr.
"
"got a function of (function of x)?
wanna know where the tangent directs?
once you've learned it in school,
there's a  chain of a rule,
which the slope of the curve, well, detects!
"
"coefficients of accommodation
give, for molecules, some explanation
of the fraction that sticks
to a wall?four of six?
(the two others rebound in vibration).
"
"lone electrons, just one in a shell,
as in lithium, sodium, well,
or rubidium (tedium?),
in an aqueous medium,
get excited to fill up cl.
"
"archimedes, bernoulli, carnot
stand for classical physics and so
they're no more up to date
since max planck and the great
albert einstein found new ways to go.
"
"girls' best friends are the diamonds, and
we've all seen 'em in marilyn's hand.
it is carbon, or c
(as in cells of her knee),
like in graphite, or coal, understand?
"
"in the physico-chemical field,
by theory and practice revealed:
some important reactions
produce but small fractions?
equilibrium limits their yield.
"
"in the rockies some sheep may be seen,
with their big curly horns, in fields green,
but as well on the road
(not their usual abode)?
in big flocks counting up to umpteen.
"
"with his name and his bust it is seen,
on his tombstone in austria's wien:
s = k log w
(to read it might trouble you).
ludwig boltzmann has sung his own keen.
"
"there once was a girl from chennai,
who would simply ignore when and why
they renamed old madras.
in her iit class,
on traditions they strongly rely!
"
"plates of metal in sine corrugation,
in a v-shaped, or chevron, formation,
serve in plate heat exchangers
to avoid freezing dangers
and save energy through integration.
"
"said tommy to bob and to paul
(while watching the rope?and a fall
thus avoiding by grabs), ""i'll
continue to abseil!""
they rappelled down the cliff's steepest wall.
"
"reactors, the chemical ones,
may hold milligrams only or tons
of some stuff that's in change
'cause its bonds rearrange
both in single and multiple runs.
"
"c says, ""o, i feel so much attraction,
combust me, it's hot satisfaction!""
so from each side an o
binds with c in a row
(o=c=o) in a chemical reaction.
"
"charles coulomb, french engineers' corps,
invented and used?to explore
unknown forces?a balance
that's torque-based. his talents
set his flag for long at the fore.
"
"branching curves in my diagram plot
showed a vertical tangent and got
shaped like square-root graphs near
that odd point named?i hear?
bifurcation: the two-forking spot.
"
"are there three modes of heat transfer, or
only two modes? one less, or one more?
radiation, that's clear,
and conduction appear
to suffice. what's ""convection"" used for?
"
"listen: ""clank"", higher: ""clink"", lower: ""clunk""?
even  ""clonk""?while you drink, or get drunk?
they're all sounds of impacting
hard things interacting,
like a plank, pots of ink, or a trunk.
"
"a varietal grown in campania
(not in france, nor in greece, nor albania)
lingers long in your mouth
down in italy's south:
aglianico makes oenomania!
"
"it's a property, one that we need
to use fourier's law, and indeed:
with the right conductivity
and proper proclivity
for calculus, we will succeed...
"
"on the left, write reactants as sum
(arrows show where your product comes from);
on the right put your aim,
plus what by-products claim?
not atomically balanced? that's dumb!
"
"he succeeded to dupe a whole group
with his newest creation: a soup
made from nothing but waste?
and its excellent taste
made them whoop, and the cook cock-a-hoop.
"
"near the kidneys (ad renes), a gland
takes, in stress-situations, command.
what adreno- (adren-),
as a prefix, might mean
you will therefrom, i hope, understand.
"
"to collapse: ""have a breakdown"". my fate?
to collect word-collations; collate:
""bring together""; collide:
""have a crash""?and decide:
don't collogue (or collude). no debate!
"
"bring together a col- with a -lation
or bind them to get colligation.
collimation's adjusting
of telescopes. trusting
no conflict, please, no colluctation!
"
"the calculus helps us to grapple
with problems like that of an apple
in fall. for describ'n' its
position, both leibniz
and newton erected this chapel.
"
"""what's a blackbody?"" asked my pal jack.
""a small hole, with a hohlraum, looks black.
light rays fall through this hole in
the cavity, strollin',
but hardly can find their way back.""
"
"""of cinnamic acid an ester
is a cinnamate,"" so he addressed 'er,
""or a salt of the same!""
""what a curious name,
salty sinner mate? hey, you're a jester!""
"
"of experts' opinions a shaper,
he wrote the first relevant paper;
nusselt's great contribution:
an explicit solution
for the film condensation of vapor.
"
"for my teacher, a posh workaholic,
higher functions were fun and for frolic:
""it's no stick, oh my gosh,""
she said, ""don't read it 'cosh',
cos this cosine's first name's hyperbolic!""
"
"want to find out, in meters, a distance
that's given in feet? need assistance?
please take my assertion:
for easy conversion,
the factor's in fact in existence.
"
"a consonant system's a set
of the phonemes (no vowels) you get
from a study of speakers
by careful sound-seekers
who distinguish ped, bed from bet, pet.
"
"""at the annual conference, my dear,
that you speak at, and chair, every year,
you have shared, in that college,
your room, and your knowledge,
with claire, your assistant, i hear!""
"
"thou art partially (more or less) free
in thy choice of the prefixes: be-,
a- as well, one may find
just in front of a hind,
though it's boggling thy mind. up to thee!
"
"""darling drink!"" so she drank, and got drunk.
""do not sink!"" but she sank, getting sunk.
triple rhyming perfection,
by ablaut-inflection?
but who links it to lank is a lunk!
"
"first add 40 to celsius degrees,
by 5/9 then divide, if you please;
now the 40 subtract,
and you'll get the exact
ones in fahrenheit. (that's expertise!)
"
"an anagrammed line is a ring
of its letters arranged by a string;
rearranged, every letter
makes a line even better:
for its star, angel yard, better sing.
"
"they are interchange leaves (not of ferns):
branching cloverleafs, anyone learns,
serve to change your directions
while all their connections
avoid any cross-traffic turns.
"
"what's the prey that a cold trap can catch?
any gases?if dew-points just match
the trap's temperature range?
will condense, that is, change
into droplets 'cold trappers' can snatch!
"
"this fictional history book's
fourteen voyages offer you looks
on a bay?through the ages?
from some thousand plus pages
showing chesapeake's crannies and nooks.
"
"greens  and veggies, when mixed with some meat,
or some chicken, or cheese, are a treat:
this fine combination?
a salad creation?
is yummy to see and to eat.
"
"change of state's kind of crossing a border,
and leaving one's old living quarter:
like boiling or freezing.
it's entropically pleasing
to discover the laws of disorder.
"
"the deciphering race?was it fun?
champollion was the champ: number one!
""it's a symbol?aha:
re, in coptic?for ra!
this circle's the glyph for the sun!""
"
"let's combine our techniques. then we'll make
more effective their use for the sake
of artistic creation:
a good combination
of skills makes a near-perfect fake!
"
"combinable parts will be found
to be able to merge or get bound;
to combine two in one
is quite easily done:
click and clack may combine in one sound.
"
"the cosecant's a ratio?no fake?
of two sides of right triangles. take
the leg opposite c
over that facing b.
c's the right angle?easy to make!
"
"in statistics, a number chi-square
is obtained from a sum of terms where
each's a difference, that's squared,
over values compared:
helps to handle production with care!
"
"the ""transitional anapest meter""
con-tam-inates lims, my dear peter.
't will not be excused
when excessively used:
spell out 'it' in line three, be no cheater!
"
"chem. conveys something hidden?a source
of pollution, of knowledge? of course,
some will rashly condemn
any four-lettered chem,
but it's nature's own matter and force.
"
"said fred to his flintstone-made chopper,
""for felling a tree you're improper.
it's metal you lack
for a walloping whack.
cu later (next age?), made of copper!""
"
"cross the critical pressure to go
to the region where bubbles don't show
in a liquid when heated
past tc! no one cheated.
gas or liquid? one fluid, you know.
"
"with droplets first sparingly spangle
a panel, then warily wrangle
it?so. now you'll view?
looking parallel to
the plane surface?a drop's contact angle!
"
"a wonderful place where you'll meet
some good friends is the island of crete,
where a bull, who was zeus,
could europa seduce
to a date in a lovers' retreat.
"
"to the greenback they're pegged, these bz-
$s used to buy butter and bread.
in a country that's been
ruled by great britain's queen,
dollar notes will display a crowned head!
"
"take a circle (or any closed curve),
move it out of its plane, do not swerve,
keep a path that is straight
and the shape you'll create
is a cylinder, ready to serve.
"
"you believe modern medicine will
really  cure you in case you fall ill?
but for most medications
one contraindication's
drug poisoning: pills sometimes kill!
"
"a cryostat's something to keep
the temperature constant and deep.
it makes molecules slower
or entropy lower:
a fridge?but not nearly as cheap!
"
"nomenclature verification
of chemicals needs a notation
unambiguously clear,
but we really must fear
it's still hard to read ""upachematian"".
"
"a physicist somehow remained
in newton's world, perfectly trained
in classical mechanics.
he certainly panics
to find qedogs now unchained.
"
"i'm confused a bit; what was the ground?
a strange symbol that some firms, renowned,
use (and here's what annoys,
to denote, in alloys,
a component): cb, rarely found.
"
"a mushroom that's edible, yes,
but only if young. don't suppress
your quite natural shyness
to collect the coprinus
once it looks like a black liquid mess!
"
"life, the universe, everything's part
of oedilfian lim'ricists' art:
'cyclopedically citing,
cosmographically writing:
for a dict it's so terrably smart.
"
"near cosenza the visigoths sing
gloomy whispering hymns for their king:
neath a river's cool bed,
they have buried the dead,
so their foes can find nary a thing.
"
"the properties we apprehend?
that on particle numbers depend,
not on particles' nature?
are in learned nomenclature
denoted colligative, friend.
"
"combinations: an undie, one piece,
warming body and legs, like a fleece,
once worn, intramural,
(only one, but it's plural)
to wear it today?a caprice?
"
"the number 'twixt 0 and 2
is the unit for me or for you.
once the lowest was 1;
now we've 0 for none.
(""1 + 1 = 2"" still is true.)
"
"""the risks of infarction and stroke
are lower for guys who don't smoke.
to prevent these bad ills
take clopidogrel pills,""
said my doc, ""?no, i really don't joke!""
"
"""it's based on assumptions, your 'theory'?
i'd guess that your view's somewhat bleary.
your counterfactuality
is far from reality!""
(this critical comment sounds sneery!)
"
"chemotherapy?fighting your ills
by injections, or taking some pills?
might succeed if you're strong
but it may well go wrong
since through side effects sometimes it kills.
"
"astronomically, cycle's the path
of celestial bodies. in math
such an orbit's a curve
close to what we observe:
near elliptic, not straight as a lath.
"
"a bicycle's called just a bike,
or a cycle?whatever you like?
in less formal talking.
it's faster than walking
to ride such a cycle, dear mike.
"
"the critical volume's the space
that a given amount fills in case
both the liquid and vapor
just merge. on your paper:
the end of a curve you can trace.
"
"increasing the heat flux in boiling
past critical values is spoiling:
hot vapor jets keep
off the liquid to sweep
the hot wall, which, at burnout, is toiling.
"
"after partying all through the night,
she would travel much faster than light
to return from that razzle,
not burnt to a frazzle,
but younger ? she's dazzlingly bright!
"
"an engineer (rare for technicians)
and a physicist ? not two physicians ?
won a medicine nobel
for the scanner, so well
known as ct, to check doc's suspicions.
"
"two classes of compounds are found
with some carbons to nitrogens bound.
though it's not the same thing
to be chain-shaped or ring-,
they are azines, both straight ones and round.
"
"a combiner? that's one who combines.
(as definer, i'm one who defines.)
and a combinator's what?
a combiner, you're taught
by oedilf, which defines in five lines!
"
"deep thought, after millions of years,
with the ultimate answer appears,
which is just 42.
this is certainly true,
though it sounds a bit strange to the ears.
"
"the new perfume they made in the lab
had some magic effects: even drab,
greyish wallflowers got
red-hot lovers, a lot,
when they sampled a shot?just a dab.
"
"no agreement in sight anywhere?
that's no reason at all to despair.
mes ch?res dames, my dear gents,
situations, when tense,
will improve if clear words clear the air!
"
"too late for a surgical cure?
they're suggesting a chemo, for sure,
that they call therapeutic:
take drugs, pharmaceutic,
and try to survive and endure!
"
"a convector's a heater that blows
hot air upward (by buoyance), which flows
towards the ceiling to heat
the next-story guy's feet?
while my own toes, last night, almost froze!
"
"condensation pumps drain out the gas
in liquefied form and amass
what's been inside before,
through a valve and a bore,
outside vacuum-bulbs blown out of glass.
"
"mds can assist criminology
by clinical work in pathology.
detectives support 'em
to study, post mortem,
crime's hist'ry from victims' histology.
"
"""it has green-colored blood, this odd creature?""
""yes, some worms in the sea show that feature:
chlorocruorin's seen?
if unoxydized?green,
hemoglobin-like stuff!"" says my teacher.
"
"any gas is condensable, may
thus be liquified, pouring its way
down a cooled solid wall.
but to liquify all
kinds of gas you'll need less than 4 k.
"
"more than forty years split into two?
like the rest of the world?with no view
of a future united...
we were that much excited
to watch berlin's wall breaking through.
"
"a cobra as letter's no threat,
it's a hieroglyph once clearly set
for the consonant dj ?
as in journal ? ok;
add a bread, read ""eternity"": djet!
"
"the word anapest, voiced in translation,
has a clear anapestic formation.
either latin, fran?ais,
or auf deutsch, it's okay:
but it's dactyl in british narration!
"
"letter four may be written as d.
its position and sound both agree
with ph?nician and greek
who, like romans, all speak
a ""point-voice stop"" (not ""-breath stop"", that's t).
"
"darmstadtium's not very stable;
it's found on the elements' table
past 109
in the lowermost line,
and it  carries ds on its label.
"
"from the stresses of christmas we're fleeing
to an alpine plateau. we'll be seeing
lots of snow, where we will
not speed down slope or hill
but enjoy smooth cross-country-side skiing.
"
"when visiting europe don't fail
to explore its great places by rail.
from the alps to the sea
take the trains of db?
yeah, die bahn offers many a trail.
"
"an angio- (""vessel related"")
-cardiography clearly located
your heart's clotted artery
that made you so martyry:
a balloon shall be soon there inflated?
"
"from bad insects the fields were kept free
with a chemical (who could foresee?)
in the hope for a crop
that would put us on top?
but this poison's now banned?ddt.
"
"meters, kilograms, seconds, and amps,
kelvins, candelas (force of the lamps)
are called base units. crass
that the unit of mass
needs a prefix: it still gives me cramps!
"
"sixty rpm's one cps.
dear reader, i'm sure you can guess?
with r: ""revolutions""?
for his contributions
one hertz shall this unit express.
"
"in corals, a cycle's a set
of septa of like age; i bet
thomas huxley first rode
this ""cycle"". he showed
where our place is?let's never forget!
"
"distributions of errors, allotted
as normal ones, show, neatly plotted,
a smooth, rather swell shape:
the gaussian bell shape,
at closer look randomly dotted.
"
"reentry from space might get hot.
are the governing laws?i forgot?
aerothermodynamic?
will the tiles, all ceramic,
do what they're designed for or not?
"
"does a simple cross-sectional plot,
of two circles, surrounding one dot
and concentrically traced
(therefore equally spaced)
show a torus, a tube, or a pot?
"
"you have to get published? your paper
ought to be, of opinions, a shaper.
write a clever conclusion
and your paper's diffusion
will rise in the sky like a scraper!
"
"when i left this titanic old wreck,
the cold water came up to my neck.
would my desperate swimming
come up to a brimming
performance? i simply must check!
"
"a vector (an ""arrow in space"")
has direction and magnitude. place
all its parts in a row,
and transpose it to show
it's a column-type  vector, bold face!
"
"winnie wine waitress thought, ""what a dorky
old liar, he tells me a porky!
i'm sure that this wine
that i've served tastes just fine.""
but her guest still insists, ""no, it's corky!""
"
"it's a crosscurrent cooler's affair
to reject the waste heat?and take care
that the motor's kept warm,
not too hot to perform?
from your car to a crossflow of air.
"
"oh, we come from so many a place.
see the website's world map. on its face:
the whole world, pinned with flags,
which we use there as tags,
shows where each of us comes from, our base.
"
"the charente is a river in france
and the region around it. a glance
on the map takes you back?
quelles odeurs ? cognac!?
just in case you once had such a chance.
"
"polynomials? not at all mystic:
their exponents are ""polyvalistic"".
as equations?no fruits?
they've peculiar roots.
for some problems, that's characteristic.
"
"a cycle's a number of years
that recurrently (endless?) appears:
an olympiad's four
and a decade's six more,
even up to millennial spheres.
"
"small balls, drops, or bubbles?we know?
in liquids move creepingly slow.
if inertia's neglected,
sir stokes has detected,
exactly, the laws of this flow.
"
"queen elizabeth granted a charter
to the institute, which as a starter
in the practice of quality
well served all her polity?
this acronym simply looks smarter.
"
"in medicine a cycle's a course
of remedies?meant as a source
of health for the ill?
to be taken until
the cycle's completed, perforce.
"
"botanically, cycle's a turn
of the spire?the stem?so we learn,
in leafage arrangement,
with lengthwise 'estrangement'
on a helical path to discern.
"
"a cycle's a series of songs
or of poems, where each one belongs
to a wordsmith's own theme,
who, to set out the scheme,
needs his tongue, but no hammer and tongs.
"
"a cycle's a round, or a course
of successive events, like divorce
and remarriage of stars,
or exchange of one's cars.
(but not periodic by force.)
"
"the cycle helps run most machines.
electricians know well what it means:
for them it's a period
of ac. a myriad
of cycles now animate screens.
"
"to dante's keen mind we all owe it,
this great epic poem?you know it?
its rhymes intertwine;
now it's called the divine?
merely comedy headlined the poet.
"
"in thermodynamics they speak
of a so-and-so cycle's unique
process-fluid-states circle
which?when working?more work'll
provide than the present technique!
"
"a change (an increase or reduction)
of volume by pression or suction
in a piston facility
makes compressibility
a topic for college instruction.
"
"it's the nightingale, not yet the lark,
that is singing out there in the park.
we've no moon, cloudy skies,
and we'll soon hear the sighs
of a pair's love affair in the dark.
"
"we were combinate when we betrothed,
or combined to be soon, aptly clothed,
newly wed, or just married,
and afterwards carried
to the residence both of us loathed.
"
"'i don't hope for, don't fear anything.
i am free.'?the wise words of a king?
the great writer's unbeaten?
kazantzakis the cretan.
engraved on his grave, these lines sing.
"
"this country is still a bit new:
czech republic they call it, but who
can tell why?why the heck?ya
don't simply say czechia?
(now czechoslovakia is two!)
"
"from dawn until dusk's when we may
do some work, or at least mainly stay
out of bed, have some meals,
look at gals on high heels,
and to end it, we call it a day!
"
"the electrical current? it flows,
as already my granddaughter knows,
through some metal-made cables,
which might carry labels:
one's dc?""direct"", i suppose.
"
"writing convex in shorthand, cx,
might indeed just confuse and perplex
many readers. a rare
sort of two-letter pair:
of the third and third-last ? but who checks?
"
"it's an oldie, but doesn't look bad,
this convertible here in the ad.
such a classy cv
would be charming for me?
yet to get one i'd need a rich dad.
"
"living things, such as hare, carp, or bean,
all consist, merely chemically seen,
of  just h, c, n, o?
99% so.
other elements? several umpteen.
"
"how can abacus, butterfly, or
even limerick (need any more?),
all these dactyls?the feet
with their dam-dah-dah beat?
anapestically tap on the floor?
"
"i would willingly tend to combine
with a lady who gave me a sign.
now my dreams have come true?
she's combinative, too:
we recline and align on cloud nine.
"
"the critical density? it's
the mass (or the number) that fits
in a specified space,
as the singular case
of the critical state just permits.
"
"seems that clock hands, my current concern,
take a negative path, as they turn;
this dilemma may trouble you:
clockwise, cw,
runs against math, so we learn.
"
"my old kaffeekann' really is not
just a coffee can, ken, it's the pot
wherefrom coffee is poured?
in the can it was stored
cool and dry?not yet wet, not yet hot!
"
"our work hand-in-hand's combinational,
successful and quite inspirational;
it cannot be denied?
we are famous world-wide,
a sensational hit, motivational!
"
"""how many arrangements are possible?
with coins, which decisions are tossable?""
reply, professorial:
""the combinatorial
mathematics will make it cognoscible!""
"
"lucas cranach, in renaissance freeness,
once painted a nude he called venus.
the authorities found
her display (underground)
was indecency ? public and heinous.
"
"what's climatic is never quite static.
the changes of climate? erratic!
i ask, is it radical
to call it climatical?
it's used, so let's be just pragmatic!
"
"when bunsen and kirchhoff, the two
first spectroscopists, saw it they knew:
the element, newly
discovered, shines bluely;
they named it cs, for ""sky-blue"".
"
"born in paris (his parents were german)
rudolf diesel would later determine
compression ignition
as a clever decision.
in the channel he vanished (as merman?).
"
"antiparallel vectors are those
which each other's direction oppose:
two straight arrows in flight?
one points left, one points right?
stand for parallel, opposite flows.
"
"in frictional flow, dissipation
of energy means degradation
of mechanical forces,
which act as the sources
of heat (from internal vibration).
"
"the killing of critics is rootin'
the press out of russia, refutin'
that democracy works
with such criminal jerks
who suppress those who turn to disputin'!
"
"looking much like a  younger liz taylor,
on her bike with the double derailleur
(three chain wheels, eight sprockets),
she practically rockets
uphill ? so i'm failing to nail 'er.
"
"benedictus he chose as his name;
fifteen others before did the same.
born in marktl am inn,
he could manage to win
both a secret election...and fame.
"
"what's a cellular solid, my dear?
solid foam, or a sponge, and, it's clear,
many structures, that?well?
show the same unit cell,
more or less, everywhere to appear.
"
"it needs not much fuel to run,
so driving's affordable fun;
it's quick as a weasel.
my car? it's a diesel ?
for some it's a soot-shooting gun.
"
"if denied it, i'd most greatly miss
the sweet practice of french, or deep kiss.
come let's strip, let's feel young;
lip-to-lip, tongue-to-tongue,
we're together, one soul?and it's bliss!
"
"once buckingham, nusselt, and rayleigh
developed a method that's daily
applied (now conventional)
the so-called dimensional
analysis: speedy not snaily!
"
"the home of some animal?when
it's a big one?is sometimes called den.
it takes courage to beard
there the lions; they're feared,
whether felines, or simply big men!
"
"for a step, or a stage often we
take the latin-based word: a degree?
as a unit it's used
(hope you won't be confused)
on the scales made for temperature, see:
"
"to make my small software biz grow,
i solve, to find where fluids flow,
differential equations
on many occasions.
expensive experiments? no!
"
"mantin?das as written on crete
and the irishman's drinking songs meet
in the same common metre!
no others dance neater
on fourteen iambical feet.
"
"the romantics ? you think they're outdated?
have a look at the oeuvre created
by eug?ne delacroix:
fighters, beasts, et voil?,
odalisques leave you visually sated.
"
"with hydrogen sharing the same
first place in the table, it came
into nature's imperium
as d or deuterium,
and brought harold urey some fame.
"
"thomas andrews, with clever acuity,
explained that there's no ambiguity:
gas- or liquid-state matter?
the former and latter
in fact show a smooth continuity.
"
"en fran?ais, it's ""of good disposition"":
de bon air, as a phrase, by omission
of  blanks (laissez-faire)
formed the word debonair,
in urbanely fine-polished tradition.
"
"the radiometer first built by crookes
is a toy nowadays, and it looks
very nice when the sun
makes its vanes quickly run.
how it works you may find in some books...
"
"it's an old-fashioned word that once meant
""meek"" or ""courteous"", when said of a gent.
later on, debonair
stood for ""confident"" flair,
and for ""fashionable"" (old french descent).
"
"a calendar had to be filled
with a poem a day by those skilled,
'cause ""a limerick a day
keeps the doctor away!""
is a phrase that keeps limerick fans thrilled.
"
"anglizismen in german are trendy:
here my mobile phone's simply: mein handy.
we have limerick-queen,
and we sit at the screen,
order tickets or chocolate and brandy.
"
"the denominator's under the line
in a fraction; let's take it as 9,
and above, 27.
the quotient, thank heaven,
is 3. you'll agree, i opine.
"
"eighty-nine out of each ninety c's
(carbon atoms) you'll find, say, in trees,
are the standard  type c
(with 6n and 6p).
carbon-13's the other of these.
"
"a df can find out the direction
of incoming waves in connection
with radio-receiving
antennas, achieving
its task to the highest perfection.
"
"a definite integral's shown
as the area (specified zone)
'tween the integrand's curve
and three lines, which may serve
as its outlines, with limits well-known.
"
"desorption's  a process that takes
from a solid all liquids, and makes
it as dry as a bone,
or a flame-heated stone,
or a cookie that bakes, bakes, and bakes.
"
"a degree for the study of things
which are human-made constructs, like kings
with their values and vanities:
doc of humanities,
dh, will let you grow wings!
"
"she has eaten her last piece of bread,
and her last words she yesterday read
in her favorite thread.
what a sparkling-thoughts head?
and today she's deceased: she dropped dead!
"
"in the souks of a narrow medina,
i bought, for my friend magdalena,
dried saffron, five grams,
for some hundred dirhams,
to be used in her local cantina.
"
"a ""core"", when atomic, is named
hifalutingly, latin-proclaimed:
the nucleus. core,
though briefer, means more:
by electrons a center well-framed!
"
"the first bioreactor's inventor
didn't know that she'd used a fermenter
to make wines, maybe beers,
more than five thousand years
before me (as this limerick's presenter).
"
"use cellular concrete to build
the walls of your home, if you're skilled.
that avoids, at low cost,
wasted heat that gets lost?
and you'll never feel painfully chilled.
"
"she earned fame as a tenth (new world) muse.
her youth and her knowledge made news.
she wrote sonnets and more;
later sister (or sor)?
sor juana in?s de la cruz.
"
"what is chemical physics? who knows?
ask those physical chemistry pros!
they will tell you, ""the same!""
who's inverted the name?
for some scientists anything goes.
"
"""its units might well be squared feet
per week."" ""speed of spreading a sheet,
or a painter's activity?""
""no, diffusivity
you'll need in fick's law?please repeat!""
"
"a small sign said dk on that car,
but the driver, though seen from afar,
didn't look like a dane;
it was disc jockey jane
i had met once in spain, in a bar.
"
"the critical speed, or velocity,
depends upon size and viscosity.
to find the condition
for flow type transition
just follow o. r.'s ingeniosity.
"
"some fluids, a true curiosity,
when stressed, will increase in viscosity.
it's obvious, blatant,
this liquid's dilatant,
deformed due to shear and velocity.
"
"a cooling coil's made from a pipe
that's helically bent, like the type
of 'life memory stick'
found by watson and crick,
but with cooling there's so much less hype.
"
"the two letters dm, deutsche mark,
helped us germans escape from the dark.
unser wirtschaftswunder
wasn't based on plunder,
and made life (for the wessies) a lark.
"
"of a limited number of all
ways that masses may move (rise or fall),
any one's  a degree
of freedom, a key
to statistical physics?good call.
"
"as an eight-year-old he had to flee
from the bloodthirsty french bourgeoisie.
von chamisso, his name,
as a poet gained fame.
in berlin, the gent went on a spree.
"
"i have seen dragon arums in crete.
their flowers stand up to three feet
on the stem, from the radix:
purple spathe, long black spadix.
they stink, but some flies think that's sweet.
"
"in your text there's a question for you,
my dear students. you'll find this dq
to discuss at the end
of the chapter. please send
me your answer, from your point of view.
"
"a wet-bulb thermometer's used,
with a dry-bulb thermometer fused,
to get a psychrometer.
this type of hygrometer
keeps moisture observers amused.
"
"approximative's not exact
(like the meter above; it's a fact).
put some stress not on -may
but on -tive so to say,
or that anapest slightly gets cracked.
"
"short for and twixt two names in a brand,
cyphered symbol, once voiced ampersand,
corruptedly stands
for and per se?ands,
drawn from typesetter's cases by hand.
"
"the dew point, dp, in degrees,
can tell you how humid's the breeze:
the lower, the drier;
the moister, the higher.
it rimes when the dew comes to freeze.
"
"one tenth of a newton, dn,
is a force that for instance a pen,
may unnoticed exert
on the cloth of your shirt
if you clip it right there now and then.
"
"the inverse function, f, of the sine?
see, let x be the sine of f, fine?
then this f is the arcsine
of x, not a dark sign:
a wavily vertical line.
"
"the head of an organization
of public (if british) formation,
let's say bbc,
is, for short, a dg?
a title with french connotation?
"
"let me tell of the swell magic spell
of a well with a helluva smell
where i yelled, on my knees,
in that valley with trees:
""dear adele, come, let's dwell in this dell!""
"
"binomial nomenclature uses
a system that everywhere chooses
two names, scientific?
generic, specific.
neither flora nor fauna refuses.
"
"a jet, from a hole or a slot
of a thin-walled container, or pot,
shows a certain contraction:
the cross-sectional fraction
shrinks to 60%, i was taught.
"
"couette flow of oil in a bearing
inhibits?by shearing?the wearing:
eccentric, small gaps
will avoid making scraps
from its fast-spinning trunnions by tearing.
"
"broken light from small droplets that grew
in the morn makes a colorful view!
all the bladelets of grass
carry ""diamonds""?of glass??
no, of water, reliquefied: dew!
"
"once the capital city of hessen
was darmstadt, which still is impressin'.
if you like art nouveau,
it's the place you should go
to enjoy a fine jugendstil lesson.
"
"it has nothing to do with stupidity
and increases from gas to liquidity:
volumetric intensity
of matter is density;
the highest is found in solidity.
"
"grab a crab from a crab tree? no way!
it grows crab apples; that's what they say.
where's this apple's name from?
sounds in fact a bit dumb...
let's rename it more aptly, ok?
"
"aquitanian: representation
of a stage in the earth's crust formation
in a?what did they mean
by post-oligocene??
twenty-million-years-back situation.
"
"'bout the two-wheeled draisine, no surprise,
its disparagers told many lies:
""it was clumsy and crude,
'horse' for dandy or dude""?
wrongful statements we ought to revise.
"
"he's best known for his running-device,
baden's early inventor, karl drais.
his pedal-less bike
lets you ride while you hike
with a speed as if skating on ice.
"
"'tween the vosges and the rhine, not too far
from strasbourg, you will find it: colmar.
it's a charming old town
of historic renown:
in the green guide it's marked ""triple star"".
"
"what's the gist of dynamic viscosity?
it's a property?not a monstrosity?
that's nowadays reckoned
in pascal times second.
it limits a liquid's velocity.
"
"dual carriageway stands for a road,
or a highway, that carries a load
of small cars and big trucks;
separate sides?counter flux?
if we're using the brits' language code.
"
"daylight saving time (damned dst),
representing a fifteen-degree
eastward trip every spring,
means in fall it's a swing
whereby four o'clock falls back to three.
"
"in a botanist's well-ordered files
there's an order with twelve female styles.
in flora's dominion
that's dodecagynian,
for he-men, a word that beguiles.
"
"he found many new things he could teach
there at heidelberg where he could reach
analytical heights
by new light-spectral  sights.
bunsen's students paid heed to his speech.
"
"a dw, man or machine,
has a terribly boring routine.
it's a job no one wishes,
the washing of dishes,
but our china we can't just dry-clean.
"
"""a volume that's filling a cup
from which you may sample a sup
of coffee or tea's
what one usually sees
spelled as what?""?""as dl!""?""that's it, yup!""
"
"while afoot down ol' limerick street:
""hi, my friend. how are you?"" note the beat?
two steps short,  then one long,
i keep pace to a song,
skipping lightly on anapest feet.
"
"some units of measures may get
their own names when derived from a set
of the base ones defined
in all countries which signed
the convention's accepted septet.
"
"too much alcohol? oh, what a pity!
now, without it, you'll feel rather shitty
and not really at ease.
if you get the dt's,
your appearance won't be very pretty.
"
"little balls form from hot molten glass
when it's dripped in a volume of gas.
like the pearls in some shops,
melts (or liquids) form drops
with a minimum surface per mass.
"
"i'm afraid that i'll never arrive,
'cause the traffic is thick while i dr.
now i'm late, i confess?
woodland dr.'s the addr.?
and i promised to be there by f.
"
"ere you buy spanish wine, have a look
in a good author's wine guide or book.
it will tell you: do?
it's important to know?
states the names that fine wine regions took.
"
"dvt?that's a clot in a vein?
will create inflammation and pain.
when your doc's diagnosis
is deep vein thrombosis,
from long-distance flying refrain!
"
"my amanogawa's a tree
of old japanese breed, you agree?
whitish-pink blossoms bloom,
and its branches assume
a tall sheaflike appearance for me.
"
"a wine that's worldwide so well known
as the chardonnay?named for its own
kind of grape, grown to sell?
has a buttery smell
and a touch of some smoky-swell tone.
"
"asked a freshman of fellow frosh josh:
""do you know that new prof? truly posh!
when i see her?my gosh?
she looks sweet as a nosh.""
""what nonsense,"" thought josh, and said: ""bosh!""
"
"diffusion's a process in matter
that tends to make gradients flatter.
its random walk actions
make separate fractions
soon equalize, spread?they will scatter.
"
"the flow rate, in soil, or filtration
is found from a simple equation:
darcy's linear law?
there's  a single small flaw;
it must fail for increased permeation.
"
"accessibility's used to imply
the existence of entropy. try
to apply the schematic:
on paths adiabatic,
can system's state x reach state y?
"
"to prove he's a geek, not a goof,
said the teacher, ""just look at the roof
of this mighty cathedral;
its shape is dihedral.
come in, now, don't stand there aloof!""
"
"disemployment's a present-day threat.
""your job has been cut, i regret,""
says your boss. you're dismayed.
unemployment, unpaid,
causes tears, maybe blood, but less sweat.
"
"these numbers secure similarity;
they help finding physical clarity.
a dimensionless number,
i dreamt in my slumber,
would tell me what's wrong and what's verity.
"
"the damk?hler numbers are fractions
of timescales of matter's attractions.
on assumptions they're premised,
which the physico-chemist
once made to describe flow reactions.
"
"click-clack's definition depicts
""a succession of clicks"" in the dicts.
but successions of click
without clack seem to stick
to click-click click-click-click click-click-clicks!
"
"in materials science, dispersion
stands for droplets in total immersion
(or for grains) in a mass?
solid, liquid, or gas?
that to mix with they have an aversion.
"
"ejectors are things that can throw
something out. want examples? let's go:
they expel empty shells,
discharge water from wells,
or use jets to force fluids to flow.
"
"the photographer told her to show
her best side, quite uncovered, you know,
to appear in a gatefold,
not fourfold, but eightfold
enlarged, in the buff, head to toe.
"
"are these physical properties? no.
they are chemical ones. we can show
they affect a reaction:
repulsion, attraction,
or the heat of formation of snow.
"
"what's one of the brain's ancient parts?
the archicerebellum. it starts
evolutional lines
towards more modern designs
of old apes now performing the arts.
"
"in saxony's schneeberg you'll find it:
the atelestite crystal. they've mined it.
the word's from the greek,
unaccomplished; don't seek
any source, as there's none known behind it.
"
"a bubble in liquid will rise
once it reaches a critical size.
that's a process repeated
on walls aptly heated,
if nucleate boiling applies.
"
"radiation emission compared
to a blackbody's one (that's declared
to have no reflectivity)
is called emissivity
if the temp. in both cases is shared.
"
"the ancient world had only four on
its table of elements. more on
it later were brought
and in chemistry taught?
but to learn all these names? may be boron.
"
"in pursuit of true happiness, bliss,
the elysian fields i don't miss.
no eternal sweet dreams?
but when writing, it seems
that erato still owes me a kiss.
"
"pgs is my screen-, or my ekename,
though ekename is now an antique name,
or an obsolete word
for a nickname. absurd,
that i dare to employ such a geek-name!
"
"when pretending to fear, you may speak
of your phobia (sounds a bit greek).
 or instead you may seek
something short, tongue-in-cheek,
just exclaim your surprise and say ""eek!""
"
"after pressure loss during a flight
that has soared to that rarefied height
up above armstrong's line,
boiling blood is a sign
that your next stop is heaven. good night.
"
"hard to get at this stuff, says its name.
it's a hard rare-earth metal of fame.
and dysprosium, dy,
catches neutrons, thereby
many nuclear reactors stay tame.
"
"eigenvalue? that's simply one root
in a set of solutions to suit
an equation we call
characteristic. but all
of these roots we will never compute!
"
"an aerobiological test
may use filters which serve the request
of collecting the pollen,
which, once on them fallen,
are counted, determined, assessed.
"
"for polishing sculptures it's crude,
it's wrong, it's barbaric, that you'd
grind them down with some rough wheel.
a soft, layered buff wheel
makes mirrored my metal-made nude!
"
"manfred eigen's a chemist who earned
a nobel prize for what he had learned
from the fastest reactions.
getting more satisfaction's
why to slower ones later he turned.
"
"take care how you use the word dinky?
among yanks, does it mean ""small and stinky""?!
no, shabby! in britain
it's spoken or written
for smart little parts like your pinkie.
"
"dx stands for ""distance"", my dear,
used where shortwave reception's not clear.
there is no good exchange
outside radio range,
so your message is faint, hard to hear.
"
"his engravings and paintings were purer
when returning?his art now much surer?
from his touring in parts
of old europe. he starts
(grown maturer) to be albrecht d?rer!
"
"a double-bond carbon pair bound
in single-bond manner around
with two methanes that split
into four parts which fit?
pure beauty, lene, that's what you've found!
"
"""i'm no prof, dear,"" i emailed her, ""you're
just confused. i'm the janitor?sure!
guess my address misled you
by ending on edu,
but my education is poor.""
"
"look at corn syrup, succulent samples,
porn limericks, elephant tramples?
the first words in each pair
show distinctly that they're
used attributively (four examples).
"
"we have learned to determine the girth
of our planet?we call her the earth.
we need ever more space
on her limited face;
there are too many gals giving birth.
"
"whenever i see her, she's showing
a smile, as she's confident knowing
she's not overtaxed,
she's unhurried, relaxed?
she might truly be called easy-going!
"
"endless desert, traversed by the nile,
giant pyramids, tombs, royal style,
young, dissatisfied men,
pharaoh's beaten, again,
thebes' great temples still make tourists smile.
"
"a blind man, a dolphin, a bat:
all use echolocation, and that
is like guidance by ear:
their locations appear
as an echo that tells where they're at.
"
"karl's technical interest? it hails
from his dad, engineer on the rails.
former karlsruher student,
benz built, rather prudent,
his motors in tricycles' tails.
"
"euler's number, i hope you'll agree,
can be easily found. follow me:
add one n-th to a one,
take the n-th power?run
up with n to the infinite: e.
"
"doctor ehrlich once honestly found
magic bullets that give you a sound,
healthy life just as if
you had never had syph.
a nobel all his efforts then crowned!
"
"more formally, form's ""conformation""?
the way something's shaped! fascination
for structural studies,
when shared with your buddies,
will show them your fine education!
"
"a device used to cool down a vapor
looks small in the sketch on my paper.
when built, this condenser
looks so much immenser,
with lanes for the vapor that taper.
"
"a double-pipe cooler or heater,
countercurrently used, is much neater
than in cocurrent flow,
which is easy to show
theoretically, or with a meter.
"
"to remove the waste heat's what we ask
our experts in cooling, a task
for a plant selling power:
they design a big tower.
it looks like a huge concrete flask!
"
"it's chemical potential we call
a gibbs energy change from a small
pinch-amount of some stuff.
just a trace is enough,
and the rest please keep constant, that's all.
"
"a from allgemein, oh, that is german;
d as deutscher, we therefrom determine;
a means automobil;
c is club, we reveal:
triple-a, but for schorsch, not for sherman.
"
"why's the text here in short-handled spoons?
these are speech bubbles, used in cartoons.
comic strippers take trouble
fitting text in a bubble,
or they blow bigger bubbles: balloons.
"
"""on the nature of motion called heat""
was a topic he wrote on to treat
molecular theory,
which others might query,
while clausius made it complete.
"
"let vapor condense on a wall.
the drops are, initially, small.
when they grow, coalescence
unites them in essence.
a liquid film forms and will fall.
"
"the coconut crab lives on land,
but it usually hides in the sand.
with its pincers it cuts
through the shells of the nuts
fallen down from the trees on the strand.
"
"acholeplasma's a genus
of bacteria, found on the penis,
or the eye, or the skin.
beasts and plants take it in?
to avoid an infection, let's clean us!
"
"anders ekeberg, a prof once in sweden
called tantalite tantalum. readin'
his biography shows
he came close, i suppose,
but it wasn't the metal?misleadin'.
"
"his ekename, el greco (the greek),
is so much more easy to speak
than domenikos theo?.
his expressionist brio
made this cretan-born painter unique.
"
"what's entropy? hard to explain.
many teachers still try it in vain:
it connects u or e
with p, v and with t?
it's the keystone to carnot's domain.
"
"the pharaohs of egypt are gone.
mubarak, the last one, was drawn
out of office, and now
he's on trial. somehow
they will sacrifice pharaoh as pawn.
"
"a degree  is based
on the h2o boiling point placed
at n chosen degrees
from the point it will freeze.
and their choice was a matter of taste.
"
"he missed it, the eka- (""one"" next)
aluminium, writing his text
on the elements' table;
a gaul first was able
to find it. were chemists perplexed?
"
"a new saddle-less bike with two treadles,
the elliptigo doesn't need pedals.
run, not touching the ground!
karl von drais might expound:
""such a running-machine wins you medals.""
"
"a chemist once proudly presented
a galvanic cell he had invented
(no motion, no rotor)
as calorimotor!
the inventor? he ended, demented?
"
"edutainment's my aim when i write
a new limerick which tries to unite
education with levity,
brightness with brevity.
fun follows function? yes, quite.
"
"aquifoliaceae, shrubs ever green,
growing wild or in hedgerows are seen.
their red berrylike drupes
might, when thrown in one's soups,
serve as ""spice"" in a killer's cuisine.
"
"once it rhymed with ""on sunday"" (for swift)
but as usual the stress had to shift
from bur-gun-dy to bur-.
british tongues still prefer
foreign wines. (taste's a natural gift!)
"
"take velocity squared and divide
it by enthalpy! this will provide
eckert number, ec,
which is used as a key
that helps make up your mind to decide!
"
"calling brethren your own brothers german
doesn't mean that you're therewith confirmin'
they're germans. oh, no!
this is only to show
they're full brothers, both harold and herman.
"
"it's an isle now belonging to italy,
where boney was banished. he wittily
ordered peach melba
while living on elba.
this cannot be true, but reads prettily.
"
"efficiency's often defined
as the ratio of output, entwined
with a process, to feed
(that's the input we need).
over forty percent? well designed!
"
"empedocles had only four on
his list of the elements. more on
their table were found,
shaping chemistry's ground,
such as oxygen, carbon and boron.
"
"we enjoy eggs at breakfast, soft-boiled.
will egg serve as a verb? as i toiled,
the chief cook egged me on,
so i slaved until dawn;
then he claimed his souffl?  i had spoiled.
"
"rhyming oi[-uh]l with roy-al may lead
to the habit described?without need?
by the verb dissyllabify.
to syllabically tabefy
roy-al to roil's not agreed.
"
"mendeleev was clearly no moron,
to predict what he called ekaboron!
ten years later 'twas found,
made his table renowned?
used for matter as such to keep score on.
"
"von guericke's workshop is where
early  baroscopes, placed without air
at the glass bulb's perimeters,
became his dasymeters:
a densitometric affair.
"
"i'd never say ewe, dear, to you!
though you're female and wooly, that's true.
if i called you a sheep,
you might answer me ""beeep!""
what the beeep hides? i'm sorry, no clue!
"
"a phase-changing process that makes
liquid turn into vapor, and takes
the more volatile share
up away in the air?
evaporation is shrinking the lakes.
"
"i am living in europe: thank zeus.
?????? he swore to seduce.
as a bull he abducted
her?crete, we're instructed,
was where he conducted abuse.
"
"the wd in this lim
means its letters are shown not as slim
as the rest of its text:
it's bf-ed. what comes next?
see the a&as used by each vim!
"
"ms energy, born as vis viva,
successful, divine, was young's diva.
now a public utility,
her working ability
is sold to each paying receiver.
"
"in a language like english that's not
phonetically written, you ought
to avoid rhyming love
(just an eye rhyme) with move:
as a rhyme they'd be not on the dot!
"
"exothermic reactions will heat
their surroundings, so you'd better treat
them with coolants like air,
or fresh water. take care
that your safety design is complete.
"
"when searching a word's etymology,
we follow a backward chronology:
en route to the roots
we can harvest the fruits
of our ancestors' work in philology.
"
"just a theory for wires with labels?
no, it's more: it's a tool that enables
us to find and to show
voltage field, current flow,
both in nerves and in undersea cables.
"
"it's a halogen (salt-forming) gas?
thirty-five grams per mole is its mass.
and it's greenish, says doreen,
this element chlorine,
when you look at it kept in a glass.
"
"for i've thought thee so fair, and so bright,
who art dark as is hell, as is night.
in a sonnet, some briton
as its couplet had written.
ah, not quite...though today he well might.
"
"a horseman who'd ride on a disc
would certainly run a bad risk.
but djs won't ride?
they guide you, with pride,
to the music you like, slow or brisk.
"
"to design and to build a good dryer
you'll need education in higher
maths, physics and more?
you will have to explore
the stuff to be dried by a buyer.
"
"a denominate number, as such,
will tell you exactly how much
of a property's found
in a weight of 3 pound:
and the unit's to serve as a crutch.
"
"old dresden, the ""elb' valley's florence"",
was blown into pieces by torrents
of bombs dropped in flight
during one single night?
that's remembered with guilt and abhorrence.
"
"making thermodynamics accessible,
let us state that all matter's compressible:
its volume must shrink
if we press it! just think?
such behavior is more or less guessable.
"
"artificial? such gravity's found
in a plane or a merry-go-round.
with sustained 'celeration
we'll get the sensation
we're falling, by force, to the ground.
"
"diathermanous, -thermal, or -thermic
means pervious?ova to spermic?
no, to radiant heat:
sun can warm up your feet,
since our atmosphere's not pachydermic.
"
"from an 'hourglass' that's started by death
(carbon intake must end with the breath),
carbon-14 decay
lets its 'sand' flow away,
and helps dating tut's tomb or macbeth.
"
"through an orifice, nozzle, or spout
gas, compressed, from a vessel streams out
at its critical flow
if sufficiently low
outside pressures are kept, round about.
"
"take a car, take a boat, or a train?
destination? sevilla in spain.
all these means are too slow.
there's a fast way to go?
choose your flight, find your gate and enplane.
"
"the genus called alcea covers
all the hollyhocks (cherished by lovers).
larvae feeding on them,
under leaves, near the stem,
will be plucked off by birds?maybe plovers?
"
"tomorrow, we're taking a test;
i'm anxious, uneasy, and stressed.
i cannot deny it, bess?
this painful disquietness
may keep me from doing my best.
"
"its wood has a resinous smell,
as of incense, but often they fell
calocedrus to make
perfect pencils (won't flake).
as cedars go, this one's a belle.
"
"an episcope's used to project
opaque pictures: its light must reflect
via mirrors, curved glass,
to the eyes of the class
who, expecting to pass, pays respect.
"
"the emission of heat from a hot
solid body depends, so i'm taught,
on its temperature, size,
on its matter, the highs
and the lows of its shape in each spot.
"
"they're transmitted by tick bites, and live
in the blood (in the white cells), and give
rise to serious ills.
yes, this germ sometimes kills:
it's ehrlichia?dishonest spiv.
"
"deligation's no typo. you'll find
it's a noun, for the action to bind
up and fasten a part
(in a surgeon's fine art)
like a vessel, arterial kind.
"
"from greek eos, the ""dawn"", we took eo-
as a prefix that's not meaning ""neo-""
but ""early"", ""primeval"",
""beyond all retrieval""?
""some eons before egypt's cleo"".
"
"engineers get a good education
in science. they use calculation
based on theory, but know
that good guessing might show
fine results: they must use estimation.
"
"the condition, or state, of a system
is fixed by some data. let's list 'em:
symbols p, t, and v?
knowing two, find all three?
an equation of state helps untwist 'em.
"
"""coolant systems are systems to cool
really hot things."" ""like gals in a pool?""
""well, a fluid is used,
but the things ? you're confused ?
means not girls but hot engines, you fool!""
"
"what's used to make polymers (plastic)
more flexible, soft, and elastic?
an acid, benzoic?
no, decanedioic?
it helps to make nylons, fantastic!
"
"on a tree trunk the lady is dancing;
lovely orchid, she's bobbing and prancing.
this gal's epiphytic,
no, not parasitic.
delightful, she's truly entrancing.
"
"descriptive geometry's known
as the way that constructions are shown.
drawn perspective's the key
to creating 3d
views of sections of planes with a cone.
"
"is removal of droplets or dust
from a gas or a liquid a must?
some device like a cyclone
separator's what i ""clone""
from process designers i trust.
"
"ragusa's, or dubrovnik's, fame
are the ramparts surrounding the same.
huge walls still encincture
this place, a clear tincture
of traders' once powerful claim.
"
"methylic, ethylic, propylic,
butylic, pentylic, hexylic
stand for groups often found:
c's with h's around;
less specific, let's call 'em alkylic.
"
"this function is named after gauss,
type in erf, and a click with your mouse
shows a sigmoidal curve;
all its points will observe
what's called odd in its functional house.
"
"a professional organization
in america, world's leading nation:
chiefly chemically based
engineers of good taste
join up here to promote their vocation.
"
"you know that this dictionary's aim
is to lim every word that can claim
to be found?to be strict?
in old books or a dict.,
's long as english's the name of the game.
"
"free kick, or french kiss, foreign key,
all appear in a list we can see
dubbed fk in a dict
as abbrevs. to be strict,
more examples exist than these three.
"
"words like field goal and fine-grain appear
in a list of abbrevs. they are here
under entry: fg?
adding fuel gas makes three
different meanings, which context can clear.
"
"its nuts are so heavy, so big,
that they weigh down the branch and the twig
of the hickory tree
called the shellbark. you'll see
that its fruits are as big as a fig.
"
"a dimensionless time's dubbed fo
in some heat transfer problems, and so
it's a pioneer's name
that's remembered: his fame
therefore never will fade, it'll grow.
"
"with old radios, something destroys
our pleasure: that am brings noise.
but with fm we hear
it so brilliantly clear.
""wavy wave"" is what fm employs.
"
"a dinghy for youngsters to sail,
to prepare for a yacht, larger scale,
 flying junior, fj,
is the best one, they say,
to fly on the wings of the gale.
"
"latin ferrum means ""iron"". fe
is this element's  symbol. you see,
in the center of heme,
fe (2+ ""supreme"")
makes the blood look so red when set free.
"
"chinese scholar trees bloom in july,
with their panicles catching the eye
of some nerdy old gnomes
citing ""trees, they are poems
that the earth writes way up in the sky!""
"
"clerodendron's a shrub or a tree
you will never forget once you see
its pink ""starfish""? each beaut
bears a ""pearl"", a blue fruit.
that's a drupe, not a berry, or pea.
"
"an ""elliptical"" shape is in reach
of the leaves born by dogwood or beech.
""oval-lance-shaped"" is found
in between long and round;
and leaves ""lanceolate""? willow or peach.
"
"i'm a fan of this layout: a fan
(the old hand-held fan's shape) is its plan.
""from each radial street
can you see the duke's seat?""
and the answer's a clear: ""yes we can!""
"
"fd is a method to find
solutions (approximate kind).
in numerical math,
it's a viable path:
finite difference, in full, comes to mind.
"
"this tree is called bilsted at home
in its native surroundings, say rome
(in georgia, not italy).
its leaves, colored prettily
in fall, make it look polychrome.
"
"euonymus, ""well-named"", this shrub:
its twigs served as rod, bolt or hub.
spindles made from this wood
were, for wool spinning, good.
just five lines to describe it? a stub!
"
"engineering: the art that makes use
of know-how to safely produce
all the things we can sell
to live healthy and well?
or the science of nature's abuse?
"
"on the walls of the faculty club,
bougainvillea, colorful shrub,
boasts of bracts that enthrall,
but has flowers so small;
there's the rub. of this shrub, that's the nub.
"
"the coconut palm is a tree
that grows not too far from the sea
along tropical coasts;
and its nuts, so it boasts,
offer wood, drink and food, all for free.
"
"this bugle stands upright, erect.
on meadowlands you may detect
it, when blooming in may
in blue spikes, or let's say:
""inflorescences: spiky,"" correct?
"
"when followed by .com, fb,
means facebook, not fullback, and we
clearly know it's a must,
'cause these networks we trust
for promoting our egos, agree?
"
"turns out to become detrimental
to study an organ that's ental
(in a deep inner part,
such as liver and heart).
vivisection is not very gentle.
"
"in old books, authors shook off the fetter
of zed: they knew calling the letter
either ezod or izzard
would conjure a wizard
or lizard or blizzard up better.
"
"the flavoring agent you smell, oh,
with butter aroma, my fellow,
in foodstuff you eat'll
be pure diacetyl:
a liquid that's greenish to yellow.
"
"the game played by clubs called fc
is football, called soccer by ye
west-pond guys who still claim
that same name for a game
that's mere tohu wa-bohu to me.
"
"it had served us quite well for so long,
but this theory was shown to be wrong
by formal disproval.
for its e-text removal,
buy an app to emend, for a song.
"
"water's needed salt-free for my task;
there's a chemist in perth i will ask
(he's an expert i lionize),
""please, help me deionize
the sample i've brought in my flask.""
"
"the word animal also is used
in a narrower sense. it confused
me to hear someone speak
that a bird with a beak
or a frog in the creek were exclused.
"
"eigenfunctions that solve pdes,
such as schr?dinger's?kitten agrees?
as solutions are proper.
(this word is a topper
when talking pure academese).
"
"some synthesized silicate that
can be honeycomb-channeled (walls flat)
is cordierite.
aptly coated, it might
well be used as a monolith cat.
"
"when an earth tremor's felt, it is clear,
that we live on a thin-crusted sphere.
though it's less than a quake?
just a weak, feeble shake?
it can cause us some trembling and fear.
"
"anapaest is in latin, french, german
anapestic (end-stressed . . !), we determine.
english forcibly put
its fair metrical foot
into dactyl-shaped boots (! . . end of sermon).
"
"three thousand years back they began it:
they carved out huge ""needles"" from granite.
cleopatra's ones? no!
but they're still called just so
in two cities well known on this planet.
"
"he's a man, he's creative?what's wrong?
his formative spirit's too strong;
to his force, demiurgic,
i'm highly allergic:
i can't stand his presence for long.
"
"some chemists, with warfare in mind,
were morally totally blind:
they added diphosgene
and marked by a cross (green)
the poisonous stuff they'd designed.
"
"deserpidine, got from the roots 	
of rauwolfia shrubs (not their fruits)
serves, as some sources mention,
to reduce hypertension
or to tranquilize fidgety brutes.
"
"you're a moth larva out in tibet?
becoming a mummy's a threat.
certain fungi intrude;
they will use you as food
and then sprout?a macabre duet.
"
"what's allylene? c3h4,
but its structure reveals even more:
it's extremely reactive,
4 o2's attractive,
so propines they'd never ignore.
"
"yellow flowers that open when night
starts to fall hint the day was too bright.
when the sun past the rim goes,
the evening primrose
unfolds in the darkening light.
"
"caenolestes, a genus of shrew
(rat) opossums, is found from peru
to the north in los andes.
my t?o fern?ndez
tries taming these ""shrews"" in his zoo.
"
"you're a woman, you're young and you're single?
want your literary taste-buds to tingle?
then chick lit's for you ?
good to read when you're blue,
it will brighten your mood till you jingle.
"
"civil marriage: no walk up the aisle
of a church, in traditional style.
but, if civil you choose,
mind your ps and your qs,
be polite ? and remember to smile.
"
"an abacus always succeeds
in inviting a touch of its beads.
you can count on its rows,
without fingers or toes,
for most arithmetical needs.
"
"if, like me, you live out in the sticks,
with no pictures, no movies, no flicks
(no back rows for kissing) ?
the cinema's missing! ?
then where do you go to for kicks?
"
"as a burglar breaks into a shop,
a blond officer shouts at him, ""stop!""
as she snaps on the bracelets,
the thief in disgrace lets
her, muttering, ""it's a fair cop!""
"
"a ""love song"" can sound such a bore,
but if you say chanson d'amour,
it playfully teases
and finally pleases
until ? with bonne chance ? you may score!
"
"i break into song when i bake
and put cinnamon into my cake:
""oh, cinnamon, where
will you run to?"" ? don't care!
then i chuckle until my sides ache.
"
"i'm afraid i am going bananas:
i'm picturing purple iguanas!
i instinctively feel
that my verse is surreal,
so i'll feed it to playful piranhas.
"
"a soldier was proud to confess
that the love of his life was brown bess.
though the man held more beer
than his dear, it was queer
that the one with the barrel held less.
"
"the groom bridled on seeing his bride
as she hurdled each pew to his side:
her tracksuit looked weird ?
as did her false beard:
""wedding's off!"" he immediately cried.
"
"eau de nil? zero water it's not;
it's a color you're likely to spot
when you, cruising the nile,
take a look for a while
on the surface surrounding your yacht.
"
"imagine two numbers, for which
the sums of their aliquots switch,
so they mutually equal
each other in sequel:
an amiable pair. (maths is rich.)
"
"ground-up beef, pressed to make a big mac'd
be agglomerated (clustered, or packed),
like grains in a dough
or the crystals in snow?
granules crowded together attract.
"
"abietite's sugar from trees
like the silver firs. needles of these
may contain it, we read
in old books, but we'd need?
to be certain?some field expertise.
"
"""equal distance to points measured from
its two foci together, their sum.""
that defines an ellipse,
a plane curve: route of trips
in an orbit, at least rule-of-thumb.
"
"shrieking gale, squeaking snail, howling owl?
nay! the sounds from the jail, all that growl,
screech, and scream: gallows' noose,
creaks and squeaks, swinging loose?
it's an eerily frightening howl.
"
"""the elixir of life,"" dippel claimed,
was this ill-smelling bone oil. it's named
for that alchemist who
sure could carbonize too.
but his faking? he should feel ashamed.
"
"dz stands for twelve, or a dozen,
a number i often hear buzzin'
in my ears when out shoppin'?
the seller's not stoppin'?
i guess he's just tryin' to cozen.
"
"a crime in this roman-style villa?
poirot said, ""i smell no vanilla?
the stinkin' effluvium
from the impluvium
'elps to convict the vile killa!""
"
"ekasilicon once was the name
of a metal, predicted, which came
to be known as ge?
and that symbol would be
for germanium?winkler got fame.
"
"i should like to dreate a fine ode,
containing some secretjve code.
qerhaps it's too iard
but, in playing thf bard,
i'll be heading along the sight road.
"
"when he dropped on one knee, he just knew it:
if he mumbled or fluffed his way through it,
the girl would decline.
""darling, mill you be wine?
oh, blow it,"" he said, ""i just blew it!""
"
"tv causes crass celebratedness,
a condition of much overratedness.
with shows like big brother?
first one, then another ?
the viewers' glazed eyes speak of satedness.
"
"a circular dropped through my door
and, on picking it up off the floor,
the strange thing i found
was the paper was round ?
but it hadn't been round here before!
"
"on occasion, i bleeping-well swear,
though to utter some words, i don't dare,
so i substitute bleeping;
it's better than keeping
on making some bleeping folk stare.
"
"though her shoes and her suit were quite natty,
her hair-do was ragged and tatty;
like an old highland cow,
it was any old how,
so they're buying a hairbrush for patty.
"
"that seven-starred, clear constellation
has a name that can cause consternation:
the plough (then again,
it was once called charles' wain)
or big dipper, the yanks' variation.
"
"my account book is written in black,
so as long as i keep a close track
of all of my spending,
which seems never-ending,
the wolf at the door should keep back.
"
"as you polish your car, please say, ""nope,""
should an antelope ask, ""can you cope?""
for it has to be said
that a chamois, when dead,
has a skin with much polishing scope.
"
"i should always check bread that is old
before toasting it, crispy and gold:
though i do not like waste,
its peculiar taste
has a backlash suggestive of mould.
"
"as you taste it in lemon or lime
or in oranges too, every time
you attempt to look placid,
that sour citric acid
will screw up your looking sublime.
"
"""why'd you hit him?"" ""cause he hit me first!""
a tooth for a tooth builds a thirst
for fisticuffs, whacks,
and more counter-attacks:
a system where all come off worst!
"
"you're delighted to have your first sprog.
he seems even more fun than the dog.
you think, ""we're mum and dad!""
but who pays for the lad?
you're his cosponsors, too ? you must slog!
"
"said god, as he sat on his cloud,
""there are ten things that just aren't allowed.
too-high hedges ain't one,
but you blot out my son
and, by thunder, your world i'll beshroud!""
"
"she rises at dawn, wakes the nippers.
by seven, she's eating smoked kippers.
then she walks where the gorse is
in bloom ? or rides horses,
preferring stout shoes to her slippers.
"
"please abbreviate rosemary phelps
to rosie. she says that she guelps
her half-cups of t,
saving time ? do u c?
(u don't have 2 b mad, but it helps.)
"
"there was an old boffin called gough
who invented a cure for his cough.
he told himself, ""gough, drop
your cough ? suck this cough drop.""
quite menthol ? but one clever boff'!
"
"you snore and you snore and you snore.
then you snore just a little bit more.
your continual snoring,
beyond all ignoring,
is why you end up on the floor.
"
"in a traffic jam cars came to rest,
and their bridling drivers, depressed,
as their car engines idled,
saw, handsomely bridled,
a horse overtake. legs are best!
"
"contraceptive pill?  ? some folk will tease:
grip an aspirin tight with your knees!
girls with ticklish feet
let it roll in the sheet ?
they might just as well drink antifreeze!
"
"""a capital h stands for heat?""
""not heat, but a term we'll now treat:
its name came upon us
through kamerlingh onnes;
enthalpy's no heat, i repeat!""
"
"louis victor de broglie, a noble
and frenchman, with thoughts rather global,
saw waves, and?what matters?
left matter in shatters.
to follow, we have to think mobile.
"
"this suffix (at word-end's position)
means ""quality, state, or condition"".
in english it's -ancy
(latin -antia, fancy),
and with buoy yields a floating ambition.
"
"joseph conrad was obviously brighter
than others as sailor and fighter:
of polish descent,
he learned english and went
through adventures in life and as writer.
"
"clapeyron's or the clausius equation,
for melting-solidification
(or similar changes),
provides in all ranges
a p versus t correlation.
"
"ambulacriform? shaped as a row
made of colons, it's easy to show: :::::::
like the holes in the skin
of a sea star, whose thin,
mobile tube feet therein make it go!
"
"once the elements seven and six
come together, they triply bound fix,
form a cyano group.
cn ions in soup
is a lethally poisonous mix.
"
"das kraut is a veggie, the cabbage;
it's grown and then gathered by ""grabbage.""
a ""kraut"" is a german,
as kohl (helmut, herman?)
or zuse, the ""krautish"" charles babbage?
"
"heat flow's unit today is the watt ?
joules per second's the same ? i've been taught.
btu of some sort might,
if taken per fortnight,
serve as well to determine q dot.
"
"keep those poisonous mushrooms away!
amanita phalloides, let's say,
is a cupful of death?
how much time's left for breath
after death cap for dinner??a day.
"
"my grandfather, in the great war,
had a foot wound which served to secure
his return to old blighty,
which, thank the almighty,
has given us one limerick more.
"
"""i'm not swimming today, it's too cold,""
declared john. ""and i'm getting too old
to be out in bare feet
when it's starting to sleet.""
""you're a damn big girl's blouse!"" he was told.
"
"a website called ""friends reunited""
made a pair of old classmates delighted.
but, once back in touch,
they discovered not much
from their schooldays could get them excited.
"
"being so claustrophobic means claire
must enrol for some therapy, where
she'll be taught how to deal
with how small places feel
when she's desperate for wide space and air.
"
"known in parts of the world as zucchini,
courgettes are like marrows, but weeny.
they make good ratatouille,
cooked lightly, not chewy,
washed down with a glass of martini.
"
"dean's lanky, a tall runner-bean;
he's cadaverous, skinny and lean.
when his lady-friend phones,
she says, ""hi, bag of bones.""
but the joke's wearing thin ? just like dean!
"
"if you go to a wedding, think twice
before throwing great handfuls of rice.
would you throw dry spaghetti?
well, no! but, confetti ?
small shaped flakes of paper ? is nice.
"
"the clergy must be like a rock,
underpinning and guiding their flock.
but if they're unsure
how to open the door
to their god, they're a stumbling block.
"
"i do like our royals (in theory),
and nations without them seem dreary.
it's just they insist
on that huge civil list ?
and, of paying their bills, i am weary!
"
"you may well combine painting with chalking,
and sing-songs mix nicely with walking,
but i beg you, dear john,
when the tv is on,
please do not combine viewing with talking.
"
"a fluid's a substance that moves,
in response to small forces. this proves
to be true for some masses,
like liquids or gases,
and the mud underneath horses' hooves.
"
"it's a term from the olden greeks' art,
and its use will convey that you're smart:
a girl you call ""quite
callipygian"" might
later show you her shapeliest part.
"
"full-fashioned, french fried or fixed focus
are found at the same single locus:
ff in a dict.;
as abbrev. to be strict
(alphabetically) ? no hocus-pocus.
"
"french horn, and full house, facial hair,
as some acronym finders declare,
are fh, when cut short.
acronymics (a sport?)
means guessing the bits that aren't there.
"
"barefoot walking on pebbles or rocks,
or just strolling around a few blocks,
may be good for your heart;
but your feet badly smart:
wear fivefingers with suitable socks!
"
"""the star-spangled heavens above
and the moral law in me.""  that's of
categoric imperative's
closing declaratives;
i kant hinder learning to love.
"
"the land that's surrounding berlin
once was prussian, and now it is seen
as fontane-land?sand
full of waterways?and
you'll find brandenburg empty and green.
"
"it's a fine new hors d'oeuvre composition,
first served at the art exhibition
of a painter. carpaccio,
prepared when it's ghiaccio:
raw meat sliced beyond recognition.
"
"half a law and a pit on the moon
have been named after him?what a boon!
jean-baptiste biot
went up high, apropos,
long ago in a hot-air balloon.
"
"post-war capital, bonn by the rhine,
was, for adenauer, simply divine:
not too far from cologne
where he'd been so well known,
and a good place to wine and to dine.
"
"""why am i so attracted to phelps?
he keeps bees,"" says brunhilde, ""it's selbs'-
verst?ndlich ? not money ?
i'll marry for honey!""
(you don't have to be mad, but it helps.)
"
"for cowardice soldiers were shot,
despite giving all they had got
year in and year out
in the trenches, no doubt
being valiant from the year dot.
"
"now, you know a mole lives in a mole hole.
and a football would favour a goal hole.
but you, little lad,
if you keep being bad,
will get shut with the coal in the coalhole.
"
"grandpa phelps spent all day in the shed
with the spiders; then later, in bed,
granny said, ""oh my gosh!
you've forgotten to wash:
just look at your cobwebby head!""
"
"with fuel prices high, i surmise
that our whole cost of living will rise,
for when transport costs more,
so do goods in the store.
and who pays? every person who buys.
"
"all the cotton pickin' world overhears
when you bawl out your hopes and your fears.
but i'm suddenly doubtin'
you know that you're shoutin' ?
there's white cotton wool in your ears!
"
"""i've got twenty-one pen-friends,"" she boasted.
""that's twenty-one letters just posted.""
and it lights up her eyes
when she reads their replies:
correspondence ? it has to be toasted!
"
"through my fine metaphorical lens,
these sofas are green grassy dens.
beneath cushions (the ditch)
creep the long roots of quitch:
it's couch grass that pouches our pens.
"
"as writers, we find that words spill
on to page after page, at our will.
then to see them in print
with our by-line's by dint
of completing the literary thrill.
"
"badly beaten, he clings to his life.
swollen-eyed, he now glares at his wife.
""you damn little fool, it
ain't worth it, just cool it!""
she's more than just trouble, she's strife!
"
"diy is a passion for bill
and he's got lots of bits for his drill.
black and decker in hand,
he just can't understand
why his missus is writing her will.
"
"a dolphin, acclaimed for his age
(thirty-plus), in his water-tight cage
had admirers to thank
for his valuable tank,
where he wallowed and swallowed his rage.
"
"if i flutter my eyelashes i'll
attract some nice ciliaphile
so, let cilia flap,
till i pull a good chap,
as i add the old ""come-hither"" smile!
"
"see patches of mist in soft focus;
see flowers, profuse and precocious;
see cloudlets of blue,
an ethereal view;
see a shrub; see a tree: ceanothus.
"
"if my chamfer bit hadn't got broken,
my door, which is swollen (and oaken),
could be chamfered a bit,
just to make the thing fit,
and i wouldn't be sittin' here soakin'!
"
"in the chapter house monks would be seated
for discussions that could become heated.
later, sins of the brothers
were named, while some others
confessed, so that none grew conceited.
"
"through whodunnits, whose stories are twisty
and nostalgic (your eyes will grow misty),
monsieur hercule poirot
and miss marple we know,
both created by agatha christie.
"
"cirrocumulus catches the eye:
ice-particle clouds, way up high.
you may well lick your lips,
adding salt to your chips,
but you can't eat a mackerel sky.
"
"there were holes in old billy's net curtain
caused by cigarette-ends, i am certain.
but if billy won't learn
from one cigarette burn,
soon his whole house will go for a burton.
"
"like a wall circumscribing a fort,
or a fence circumscribing a court,
my brain, while pulsating,
through much cogitating,
is soon circumscribing a thought.
"
"in the valley, all tombs were bereft
of their treasures; no single one left?
only one man searched smarter;
his name? howard carter.
tutankhamun's tomb proved he was deft.
"
"a bike boom broke out in the years
nineteen-seventy plus, which appears
to have been a result
of the newly adult
age of baby boom kids ... and new gears.
"
"the solutions of bessel's equation
are functions defined on occasion
by others before,
to describe or explore
some cylindrically shaped application.
"
"the highest cathedral (so pretty!)
you'll find in amiens, fine french city.
one (later saint) martin
here cleft his cloak, partin'
to clothe a cold beggar in pity.
"
"foreign national, footnote1, first name?
they're distinct, but they all share the same
abbreviation: fn.
you need context to ken
just which phrase has a right to its claim.
"
"certain physicists' greatest concern:
evermore let's invest just to learn
real matter's design,
nature's structures most fine
?from our giant colliders' return.
"
"infarctions attack like a thug;
they act as if pulling a plug
from your energy base.
try avoiding that case:
take an anti-cholesterol drug!
"
"an average may simply be seen
to be, arithmetic, a mean:
split the sum by the number
of terms that encumber
our brains with a wide field to glean.
"
"a professional organization
serves americans, feeds innovation:
meet mechanically based
engineers there, well placed
to discuss and debate their vocation.
"
"a professional organization
serves american high education:
clearly civilly based
engineers are well placed
in this dignified, aged formation.
"
"each cigar, cigarette, cigarillo
makes my eyes sting with tears as they fill. oh
to breathe all this smoke
is no picnic! ? no joke! ?
i shall bury my face in a pillow.
"
"best position for games with a ball?
centre forward ? for they do it all:
the dribbling, the spinning,
the shooting, the winning;
the growing excessively tall.
"
"as a child, i could feel no affinity
with the christian season of trinity.
the church calendar led me
to find the wait deadly ?
from whitsun to advent: infinity!
"
"bertram phelps, when he's got time to spare,
does conjuring tricks ? with some flair:
two taps of his wand
and he conjures a blonde,
inflated, and out of thin air!
"
"bertram phelps (who prefers simple 'bert')
wears a coat hanger inside his shirt ?
silly man! ? and because it
should stay in the closet,
he finds that his clothes always hurt.
"
"you are wily, dishonest, and canny.
you're corrupt, you would sell your own granny.
you would beg, steal or borrow,
no thought for tomorrow ?
witness fred ? he's the fraud you lent annie.
"
"oh, the clown is a gruesome disgrace!
red facepaint: his grin is in place;
scarlet nose for disguise
and black crosses for eyes.
give me cold cream: i'll wipe off his face!
"
"""how is it,"" asked hattie of hector,
""you keep harvesting more and more nectar,
when it brings us no money?""
""i'm a bumble-bee, honey:
a humble wee nectar collector.""
"
"to keep foodstuffs contained makes good sense.
wrapping cling film around things prevents
air from drying out food.
(fools might say it's a crude
way of saving on condom-expense!)
"
"i'd written my piece and was credited,
then sent it to be copy edited.
some words disappeared
and good spellings grew weird.
did my copy look different? you bet it did!
"
"to read it is taking me ages,
this contract of eighty-two pages.
i'll just sign it and hope
i can cover the scope
it requires, and so earn my wages.
"
"all gurgling and milky with slurpiness,
baby brings up his wind in all burpiness.
each kicking leg buckles
in time with his chuckles
as he gleefully burbles his chirpiness.
"
"""say, do you believe in clairvoyance?""
i replied, and foresaw his annoyance,
""well, i'll eat my best hat ?
i just knew you'd ask that!""
then i bowed with excessive flamboyance.
"
"citronella's an oil with potential.
indeed, it's considered essential,
which gives it great hope,
when it's scenting a soap,
of proving itself influential.
"
"i saw red when my engine decided
to cut. the event coincided
with beeping behind me
from those who maligned me,
as they had seen green before i did.
"
"ten press-ups, then run on the spot.
now some weights (if it isn't too hot).
head outdoors (if not raining),
complete circuit training:
three beers, and say ""cheers!"" ? down the lot!
"
"my cicatrice smiles up at me:
a scar curving over my knee.
it looks artificial
but is cicatricial
(from when i fell out of that tree).
"
"firstly, separate egg yolk from white,
then whip up the latter till light.
fold it into a roux,
with some grated cheese too,
and your souffl? (cooked hot) will gain height.
"
"chinese lanterns are festive and bright.
they swing from a string ? what a sight!
so lightweight, of paper,
in breezes they caper:
fancy lanterns that give out no light!
"
"celia's mother has had a great fall,
though she's not humpty dumpty ? her 'wall'
was the edge of her bed ?
but she fell on her head,
meaning celia's on round-the-clock call.
"
"in the flower bed i found a clay pipe,
all soiled. i gave it a wipe.
sleeping history, now woken,
the pipe was unbroken,
of an early disposable type!
"
"a gullible wizard was conned
into buying a second-hand wand.
imagine the scene
when the wand turned him green:
now he sits eating flies in a pond.
"
"a smelly young student called howard
never washed, never bathed, never showered.
he raised his friends' hopes
buying six scented soaps
but was too scared to use them, the coward!
"
"in the old days, when chefs were much prouder,
they didn't use packets of powder,
ripped open and shaken ?
but onion and bacon
with fresh fish or clams to cook chowder.
"
"""i'll kill you if you don't agree,""
says the wife, ""to spend money on me.""
so the husband accedes,
in case words turn to deeds.
he shrugs. ""cost of living, you see!""
"
"the pirate crew's cook was irate:
""i did not steal those pieces of eight!
after walking that plank,
my slate will be blank,
but you lubbers will face a clean plate!""
"
"joe scrambled aboard by pure stealth,
as he had more diseases than wealth.
if they knew of their stowaway,
the crew could but throw away
their paper stamped clean bill of health.
"
"let us walk on the common. you'll find
there is no-one who'll possibly mind.
no landlords or coppers
will shoo us or stop us:
we've the freedom to stroll and unwind.
"
"claire's phobia treatment's not fast.
but, through desensitising, at last
she can cope with exposure
to a modest enclosure;
claustrophobia's a thing of the past.
"
"under meat-eating mammals find cats,
under claw-winged i'll classify bats.
in charge of this library,
i'm open to bribery:
so how shall i classify prats?
"
"can you guess now how old i might be?
i am young when compared to a tree.
but don't slice me to count,
for you'll find no amount
of those circles (concentric) in me.
"
"i can't help but think that our cheerfulness
is the short term result of our beerfulness.
though we smile while we're drinking,
too soon, i keep thinking,
our cheer could well veer into tearfulness.
"
"in australia, so it is said,
santa's sleigh not by reindeer is led,
but old man kangaroos,
six white boomers, he'll choose,
to lead his great gift-laden sled.
"
"so courteously he behaves:
not content with unmannerly waves,
he will cross over roads
to carry the loads
of old ladies not far from their graves.
"
"daisy cow heard a cowherd was hired
since the previous cowherd was fired
for (a) being lazy
and (b) driving daisy
to fences electrically wired.
"
"to most folk a coffee break's seen
as a chance to top up on caffeine,
and, while that is true,
you can pop to the loo,
and no one will know where you've been.
"
"a premolar isn't a weak tooth,
it's a crushing-and-grinding-technique tooth.
like its brother, the molar,
it's a chew-chomp-and-roller:
a hide-behind-canine type cheek tooth.
"
"on the dance floor i bop to the beat.
i whirl and i swirl something sweet.
i'm a cool girly bopper,
no clumsy clodhopper
who rocks on his own two left feet.
"
"our mess is my friend's bread and butter:
she's a counsellor focused on clutter.
shall i warn her, with tact,
if we clean up our act,
then she may well end up in the gutter?
"
"the little girl asked, ""do you mind
if i keep every one i can find
of those caterpillars that
on your cabbage grow fat?""
""no ? of course,"" said the gardener. (how kind!)
"
"we are ""stripping the willow"" ? perchance
you have joined in this same country dance?
linking elbows to swing,
each in turn has a fling:
changing partners, we happily prance.
"
"well, maybe i come across ""weak"",
when what's on my mind i don't speak.
but my life, on the whole,
is beyond my control,
for i'm told i'm controlled by a freak.
"
"cotoneaster ? i love its bright berry:
so small, but as red as a cherry.
what is more, blackbirds need
it, in winter, to feed ?
or, at least, it will make their days merry.
"
"the carpet is threadbare. a path
has been worn from the door to the hearth.
see the scuttle ? admire ?
it holds coal for the fire
which heats water to fill the tin bath.
"
"it might be called cockeyed, her view:
it's peculiar ? delusional too.
but nobody helps
paranoia p. phelps,
when they tell her, ""we talk about you!""
"
"you're a smart-ass, with savvy, you're fly.
yes, you boast you're more brainy than i.
you're a bright spark, you're quick,
you are one clever dick,
and yet . . . i've got the last slice of pie.
"
"max's mum gives advice in a maxim,
so her counsel will usually tax him.
saying ""don't spill the beans,""
she explains that it means
""keeping mum"". then she silently whacks him.
"
"every night private white cannot sleep,
as he dreams he'll, one day, top the heap,
for, soon, he'll advance
to rank corporal (well, lance)...
some day, colonel ? and keep his own jeep?
"
"all my friends join the glad celebrations,
fill my arms with bouquets of carnations.
my back they keep slapping,
while cheering and clapping,
and crying out, ""congratulations!""
"
"the raid that joe planned with felicity
was remarkable in its simplicity.
success was assured
as each one had secured
from the other complete accomplicity.
"
"""i'm still chewing my prunes,"" mother said.
what ? chew prunes? ? i would rather be dead!
i'm delighted for mums
who like wrinkly plums,
but i'd rather chomp cherries, instead.
"
"foolish rabbits and such try to go
across roads that are busy and, so,
not too many survive,
but their predators thrive ?
do please carry on, carrion crow.
"
"feeling dizzy, i sat while they played
my national anthem ? displayed
a look disaffected.
i now stand corrected;
unseated ? but easily swayed!
"
"""will our aunt, lady herring, attend?""
""well, she might just for once condescend
to mix with the plebs
(though she's more used to debs):
on her choosing to stoop we depend.""
"
"a low roof, tiny windows and door,
great-grandma's rag-rug on the floor;
in the loft we have bats
but no space to swing cats:
it's our cottage, with room to sleep four.
"
"no career, my luvvie, is finer
than becoming a costume designer.
nothing matches the thrill ?
needles bend to your will
with each tuck and each frill ? what's diviner?
"
"every spring the one thing that is strange is,
without fail, my friend rearranges
each room in her house.
""every march,"" says her spouse,
""she insists that she must ring the changes.""
"
"from one sticky thread (small beginnings)
the spider keeps twisting his spinnings
till a cobweb is spun,
wherein flies are undone,
so the spider can trouser his winnings.
"
"as cctv tapes all action,
city centres hold much less attraction
to yobs whose great joy
is to spoil and destroy ?
city limits give more satisfaction.
"
"if vitamin c rings your chimes,
eat oranges, lemons and limes.
(some citrus fruit's sour ?
you'll grimace and glower.
it's best to add sugar, at times.)
"
"the heart is a muscle that pumps
the blood round your system with thumps.
the life that it metres out
ends if it peters out ?
then you'll be down in the dumps!
"
"the cozzie she'd knitted in wool
grew soggy with sea water, full
and saggy, and so,
overstretched, now below
the deep waves it awaits the tide's pull.
"
"the canine's a rip-and-pass-by tooth,
a beside-the-incisor-quite-high tooth.
it's pointed for ripping,
and polished at nipping.
when it aches it's a tears-in-the-eye tooth.
"
"""so, how are you?"" i ask the old dear,
then sit down, as before i may hear
her long-winded reply
flow circuitously by,
i might die. (or find out it's new year!)
"
"""i am biting,"" i say or, ""i bite.""
the difference in meaning is slight:
aspectual grammar.
""bu-but,"" you now stammer,
""in context, one's wrong and one's right.""
"
"a lad's trying to sell me his car
while his father is coaching him. pa
now says, ""tell her about
how the engine is stout.""
but the coachwork's more polished, by far!
"
"poor mappy! ? (that's pamela) phelps:
her dyslexia means that she slelps
her words slightly awry
and she can't play spy-i.
(you don't have to be mab, but it helps.)
"
"in their cage, the rats cling to the door,
smelling toast-crusts they long to explore.
keenly chomping, each rat face
will leave not a flat trace
of crumbs, as they clamour for more.
"
"you turn a deaf ear to my jeering
and my name-calling (clearly endearing).
but you'll listen, one fears,
if i call you cloth ears,
and deny you're at all hard of hearing.
"
"cornucopia: plentiful horn,
filled with roses, but never a thorn.
there are raspberries, strawberries,
blueberries, more berries,
and shimmering sheaves of gold corn.
"
"for this town you may not give a fig,
but for me life began in fair brigg.
have you heard of brigg fair?
delius wrote this fine air.
(edward lear ? the wag! ? rhymed it with wig.)
"
"the ritual churching of wives,
soon after their baby arrives:
a purification
without medication;
a blessing and purging of lives.
"
"early reading books; alphabet chart;
pencils, paper, and paint-pots for art;
tiny chairs, there's one each,
plus a teacher to teach:
it's the classroom where schooling will start.
"
"you think you've a strong constitution?
if you want to find out, the solution
is ? take a cold shower
(five a.m. is the hour)
and then run twenty miles, post-ablution.
"
"that guy there, whose back they all slap,
as they whistle, and cheer him, and clap:
he's a decent old cove,
which is why i just drove
ninety miles to say, ""you're a good chap!""
"
"this corrugated cardboard won't yield.
it has strength like a two-layered shield.
if you build a toy farm,
then its rippling charm
will look like a mini ploughed field.
"
"these are my words i've written so, please,
should a publisher say she agrees
to put them in print,
then, i'd urge her, don't stint
when paying my copyright fees.
"
"when penelope phelps was expelled,
she left on a high, self-propelled,
though she claimed only codeine
was swallowed at roedean:
school rules about drugs were upheld.
"
"barren baroness phelps (known as eve),
on finding she couldn't conceive,
said, ""adoption's the game,
we'll have sons to our name:
it's more bless?d to give than receive!""
"
"dear kevin's a phelps but, of course, is
adopted, and frightened of horses.
father tells him, ""gad, zounds!
can you not ride to hounds?
what you need is a spell in the forces.""
"
"night descends as the day becomes older.
the air grows correspondingly colder.
now, the fuller moon's light
is, the greater the fright:
vampire's bite, correspondingly bolder.
"
"we all have our ups and our downs,
so we alternate smiles with our frowns,
like the 3-d cross-section
of paper-protection ?
corrugated, in whites and in browns.
"
"join in when you've picked up the thread
that's the fabric of all that i've said.
with this textile have fun ...
do you get it, this pun?
cottoned on to what sew fills my head?
"
"costly frankincense, gold, precious myrrh:
gifts of value, but who'd not prefer
to avoid the sad strife
that cost jesus his life?
with this plan only god would concur.
"
"our darts are as sharp as new pins.
we've been playing all night, for our sins.
i've been chalking up scores,
ever lower than yours;
yes it's you, by a long chalk, who wins.
"
"my cookery apron was white,
but, after i wore it, not quite!
stained with gravy and mustard,
plum pudding and custard:
an abstract-art canvas ? with bite!
"
"coordination is kevin's frustration;
it causes him great irritation.
girls all say he can't kiss
as his lips always miss,
and his other moves ? pure aberration!
"
"cure the beef, let it pickle in brine
(argentinian cows provide mine):
i just open a tin,
slice it up, stick it in
between slices of bread ? it tastes fine!
"
"extra buses laid on, to the square!
why does everyone congregate there?
like birds of a feather,
they gather together
to visit the travelling fair.
"
"elspeth phelps recites page after page:
she does pride; she does mirth; she does rage.
as the girl treads the boards,
every claqueur applauds,
for she pays them to clap her on stage.
"
"no meat in her fridge ? only snickers!
she's surrounded by fawning arse-lickers.
cheap perfume, gold chains,
lots of make-up, no brains:
she is just all fur coat and no knickers.
"
"remember that boffin, prof. gough,
who invented a cure for the cough?
well, a coupon he gave me
from whoopin' to save me:
""gough cough drops ? with 50p off"".
"
"hot-headed, she threatens a punch,
but he chucks half a plateful of lunch.
for a second they wait ?
will their anger abate?
no! ? of fives she then gives him a bunch!
"
"hello, clothes moth ? come in, be my guest:
eat your way through my fine sunday best.
don't stop at one hole,
make a hundred your goal;
i could do with a fancy string vest.
"
"though i sensibly wear a warm vest,
i've a cough and a cold on my chest.
oh, my stooped coughing-stance
means i'm wetting my pants ?
sitting down when i'm coughing works best.
"
"as you weather the storm, sing aloud:
""let us never forget that each cloud
has a silvery lining ?
no whinging or whining.""
(then run ? or get lynched by the crowd!)
"
"look for land. stay awake. keep on rowing.
(i can feel my adrenalin flowing.)
to this one chantlike thought,
for support, i resort ? 
keep going, keep going, keep going!
"
"if you write a-r-m, l-e-g,
you'll have written some limbs ? you agree?
the form has such charm,
you might well give an arm
and a leg for a limerick spree!
"
"twelve calendar months, while the moon
tots up thirteen a year ? what a boon!
that could mean one more pay day ?
ring the boss ? mayday! mayday!
a new month! we could call it dubloon.
"
"needing socks, should a man feel a twit
if he sits down to circular knit?
balls of wool ? just unfurl one,
cast on ? knit one, purl one ?
five needles ? turn heels ? and that's it!
"
"there are shoot-em-ups, flash-bang with stars;
simulations of racing fast cars;
high-score tables to reach
in computer games, each
like arcade games you first met in bars.
"
"bluestockings were all intellectual
ladies whose brains were effectual.
in the late 1700s
scared men might say, ""one dreads
the sight of them!"" ? purely aspectual.
"
"we have boots for those working outdoors
and soft slippers for carpeted floors.
our shoes aren't expensive;
our stock, comprehensive:
even ice-skates for penguins on tours.
"
"corn exchanges (before we were born)
were where folks used to buy and sell corn.
but now there's more chance
they'll be hosting a dance,
where corns pain the toes, like a thorn.
"
"sir oliver lives unindicted.
for a phelps, he is very clear-sighted.
from the chaff, he sorts wheat,
and the baa from the bleat;
played i-spy on his way to be knighted.
"
"one 'customer' pinches a snack.
another hides sweets in her mac.
these shoplifters (thieves)
will slip goods up their sleeves,
but we'll sue them: it's counter-attack.
"
"""why, woman ? don't make such a fuss!
when i spoke, it was just between us.
and i only said, dear,
that your looks might appear
quite like the back end of a bus.""
"
"harry phelps hammered nails in his head,
then, ""me head aches,"" the hapless hal said,
while forgetting his grammar,
""but the claw of me hammer
will pull each one out ? then to bed!""
"
"i own up. i done it. it's me.
caught red-handed. i'm guilty. my plea:
it's only depression
brought on this confession,
i'm innocent, really ? you'll see!
"
"clutter counsellors, if you succeed,
you will tidy away your own need.
and where's the enjoyment
in losing employment?
encourage disorder ? take heed!
"
"saw your ad ? so you're ""man-with-a-van""!
if i book you, then this is the plan:
i will lob in the brick,
grab the gold, and then, quick,
you must drive like the clappers, my man!
"
"this sculpture in rust, on display,
is my bike. the poor thing's had its day.
when i ride it, folk scoff,
since one pedal dropped off:
it's clapped out, i must throw it away.
"
"a nicely turned ankle ? a pose
in a pretty, trimmed hat ? it was those
that would turn a man on
in those days now long gone:
as they say, ""autres temps, autres choses.""
"
"using coal tar in soap seems a joke
(aromatic by-product of coke).
if men fume, ""stop perfumin' us!"",
carbolic, bituminous,
this soap means they still smell of ""bloke""!
"
"think: hickory, dickory, dock.
think of mouse, think of run, think of clock.
think: striking one hour:
stick clock upon tower ?
you're building a ditty, ad hoc.
"
"took your chocolate bar, broke it in two:
we agreed, half for me, half for you.
but my ""halves"", never right,
you saw fixed by my bite,
and cried, ""cozener ? now i've caught chew!""
"
"the cumbrian town is carlisle;
it's durham in durham (you smile?);
it's maidstone in kent:
county towns represent
those who tax and torment us, in style.
"
"much like meeting your doom at high noon:
a compulsory purchase deed, soon,
will be pinned to the door
that was yours just before
they planned building this road to the moon.
"
"my mp wants to iron out the flaws
that arise in creating new laws.
if he thinks they need pressing,
he has my full blessing:
i'll speak out and champion his cause.
"
"stuff that nobody wanted to buy
fills the window and catches my eye.
could i use a cheap lamp
with a crocodile clamp
from this clearance sale? no ? but i'll try!
"
"she gives fellers a come-hither look.
she's in every man's little black book.
she flutters her lashes
at parties she crashes:
her coquetry acts like a hook.
"
"dressed in top hat and tails, fred astaire,
night and day in the floodlights' bright glare,
saw his tap-dancing style
prove the best by a mile:
charming heart-throb, a dancer with flair.
"
"lady celia set off in her bentley,
but the chauffeur was driving too gently.
her complaining, at last,
made him drive much too fast
(which, in turn, got them lost, incident'ly).
"
"picture playful young words in a rhyming frame,
their scansion refined by a timing frame.
let them clamber and climb
till their little feet rhyme;
let them cling, let them swing, on a climbing frame.
"
"elspeth rouges her cheeks ? you can't tell
who is under the make-up ? quelle belle!
with cosmetics miss phelps
cakes her face, which all helps
her become her stage character well.
"
"fly agaric: a toadstool. just look,
don't touch it! ? it's not one to cook.
you'll spot more if you search
near each tall silver birch:
red and white, from a child's picture book!
"
"""this crossword is cryptic. i guess
it means i'm in a bit of a mess,
as i don't have a brain,""
said the scarecrow. it's plain
that must put a constraint on success.
"
"for activities open to all
who live near it, and hear its warm call,
the community centre
is where you can enter
into all of the fun: have a ball!
"
"he avoids all sharp food ? wants no ouches;
packs his face like some over-stuffed couches.
i wonder whose larder
can be any harder
to fill than the hamster's cheek pouches?
"
"""i'm a wannabe wrinkle-free wife!""
said old joan, and went under the knife.
but some tucks in her skin
stretched a permanent grin
on her face ? it's a funny old life!
"
"here's an interesting fact, if you're bored:
a lobster is right- or left-clawed.
ambidextrous? ? not they!
but fold both claws to pray
that, by restaurant chefs, they're ignored.
"
"at high school our teachers weren't sages.
said a lazy one, ""copy out pages
(say) eight to fifteen.""
that was that! i'd not been
so damned disillusioned in ages!
"
"streets are empty. sky's grey. all is dead.
i've old newspaper-sheets for my bed.
close my eyes and i see
a warm fire, cup of tea ...
yes, it's cosier inside my head.
"
"lay all playing cards out in a ring
like a clock-face ? each thirteenth card bring
to the centre. thence flip
each card over, and slip
it in place, till you turn the fourth king.
"
"if you like to eat eggs almost raw,
then coddle them for little more
than the time that it takes
to say ""chocolate cakes"".
that is: dunk in hot water ? withdraw!
"
"stop them sucking your blood? it's no dice:
they hang on for dear life, body lice.
they're nasty, these cooties,
for certain no beauties.
they make you feel lousy ? not nice!
"
"i've been squaring the circle ? let's test
my invention: i hope for the best!
being square, my wheel's slower,
but might be a ""goer"",
and safer, by far, than the rest.
"
"a chin-wag is simply a chat:
a slang word for gossip, one that
invites a quick grin
as we picture the chin
of each speaker who's chewing the fat.
"
"now i see that your rage makes you shake,
i must clear up my one small mistake:
by opining your face
was a sorry disgrace,
i was wishing your skin wouldn't flake.
"
"they gathered, a working men's band:
""solidarity, bruvvers! ? we stand
here shoulder to shoulder.
before we're much older
clenched fists they will all understand!""
"
"to live life in a solitary state
isn't natural, it's something we'd hate.
we need friends for a chat;
p'raps the purr of a cat,
whose companionship makes us feel great.
"
"comprehensive, it caters for all:
has both brain-box and thickie in thrall,
in theory, to school,
though, in practice, the fool
pulls down others, who go to the wall.
"
"when you can't tell your elbows from asses,
you could be short-sighted (like masses).
a corrective technique,
using lasers, will tweak
faulty lenses: no raising of glasses!
"
"rich in vitamins, shoved down our gobs:
gold capsules ? we gulped them with sobs.
but ""cod liver oil""?
it made my blood boil:
a teacher who's not heard of ""globs""!
"
"they are staging a play for the queen,
the angriest actors you've seen.
at her royal command,
their performance is grand,
but, unpaid, are they venting their spleen?
"
"see this coffee- (or tea-) table book?
it'll grab you by hook or by crook.
it's too big for the shelf.
did i write it myself?
i forget now ? oh, yes ? now i look?!
"
"granny phelps sorts her knickers by code
according to colour. each load
is, by kind grandpa phelps,
stacked away (thinks he helps):
but he's mixed pinks and blues! ? gran explodes.
"
"when our maker was handing out sticks,
dolly daydreams got all in a mix.
to get hold of which end
she could not comprehend,
so she muddles through life in a fix.
"
"a codling (to grow up a cod),
in his young fishy mind thought, ""it's odd.
if a cod spawns a codling,
then is there a 'godling',
like jesus, at christmas ? young god?""
"
"no real sleeves on my tee shirt, and yet
my shoulders are covered: you bet!
with hot sun at high noon,
i'd be burnt pretty soon,
but a cap-sleeved top's really no sweat!
"
"knobbly apples, so sour and green!
but, for cooking, these apples are seen
as the best fruit supplies,
sliced and sugared, for pies:
oh yes, bramleys are fit for a queen.
"
"on this colour chart, yellow's called corn,
while pale orange is named amber dawn.
the grey's name is mole,
the black is called coal,
and this beige shade is labelled as fawn.
"
"work together! i'll wash and you dry,
and these dishes will practically fly.
from our chores we won't shirk,
""many hands make light work"":
we'll be done in the wink of an eye!
"
"it's the chinese new year and, this time,
it's the year of the rat: how sublime!
the phelpses rejoice
at this verminous choice,
for their coat-of-arms rodent will chime.
"
"church of ireland: not quite c of e,
though much like it, but over the sea.
it has hymns, it has prayers,
it has bishops, and shares
the same doctrines to quite a degree.
"
"many phelpses, we know, are quite mental.
when they meet, is it coincidental
that rooms that were brimming
soon empty ? they're swimming
with nonsense as mad as it's gentle?
"
"granny phelps strokes the cat on her knee,
complacently watching tv.
she knows grandpa phelps
is well-trained, since he helps
answer doorbells and phones, and makes tea.
"
"he who always puts other men first,
feeds the hungry, leaves no one to thirst
for the whole of life's span
is a christianly man,
and his heart must be full, fit to burst.
"
"in victorian classrooms they sat
in fear of the cane, and of that
pointed frame ? how they dread
wearing shame on their head:
oh, the conicalness of that hat!
"
"compatibly paired were jack sprat
and his wife (she who ate all the fat).
they got on a real treat,
as he'd eat the lean meat ?
what a friendly arrangement was that!
"
"she flaps and she twitters, does frances;
seems to flutter her arms as she dances.
her nose is quite beaky,
her voice, high and squeaky;
she's so birdlike in all her advances.
"
"in renaissance days, people at court
all needed to know how they ought
or ought not to behave,
so each courtier was slave
to the book that such courtesies taught.
"
"closed my eyes and i counted to twenty ?
gave my friend time to hide, time a-plenty.
then i started to seek,
but it's now been a week . . .
i'm bewilderedly wondering ? where went he?
"
"at the rehab support group they bare
their sad souls; make each other aware
how their lives were a mess
till, at last, i confess,
you skip in like a breath of fresh air.
"
"to recall without looking's an art.
read these lines several times, for a start.
now, with both eyes closed tight,
just attempt to recite
it. success? ? then you've learnt it by heart.
"
"bottle green, like those ten on the wall,
neither yellow nor blue ? see them fall.
when one drops out of line,
that will only leave nine
deep green bottles of glass ... is that all?
"
"this teddy bear, don't take to bed.
there's some stitches come loose in 'is 'ead ?
see the kapok 'e's packed wiv?
it's radioactive:
this toy is contaminate-ted.
"
"""i'm perfection on legs,"" is her song.
and she's sure that she'll never be wrong.
her conceitedness shows
when you don't see her nose,
but her nostrils as she walks along.
"
"i am young, as i think you'll agree.
i am young ? well, comparatively!
i am young, may i dare
to suggest ? just compare
my jeunesse with that knobbly old tree.
"
"being tenderly young or quite old;
letting wind, rain or sleet take a hold:
in our lives, these detractors
are contributory factors
in catching a cough or a cold.
"
"calamitously, it began,
our first trip in the second-hand van.
creaky gears freaked us out
and, not hearing his shout,
we ran over an elderly man.
"
"why did you make a beeline for me?
i'm no flower, and you're not a bee.
but now and again,
just like all english men,
you see somebody's mug and think, ""tea!""
"
"from tangrams to boxes in boxes,
chinese puzzles tie knots in your soxes,
not to mention your brain,
that will boggle and strain
as each puzzle befuddles and foxes.
"
"with side-glances, furtive and fleeting,
and codes that take little deleting,
we are taking no chances.
if a snooper advances,
we'll cancel our clandestine meeting.
"
"midsummer ? hot, sunny and dry ?
brings cornflowers, and poppies close by.
the blues, beside reds,
among yellow corn heads,
are a primary joy to the eye.
"
"my cookbook's handwritten; within it
are recipes shared. although thin, it
has hand-me-down tips ?
how to titillate lips
and treat tongues with fine flavours ? don't bin it!
"
"""well, bless you!"" friends say when i sneeze,
but, ""blast 'e!"" my father would tease . . .
dear memory, long lasting:
how he gave his last blasting
while waiting for death's gentle ease.
"
"this paper's recycled and brittle ?
hope it didn't save only a little
green copse on our planet's
sad skin, nor began its
first life wiping bottoms ? or spittle!
"
"are you feigning again you've ""some germ""?
or is school life for you just a perm-
anent holiday now?
silly question! ? somehow
i believe academic's the term.
"
"the door shudders shut ? it's so swift.
all at once, the four walls seem to shift
and squeeze out the air
so that claustrophobe claire
has a panic attack in the lift.
"
"""cross my heart and (perhaps) hope to die:
i speak true, not one word of a lie!""
but all credence is lost
as his fingers are crossed
tight behind him ? i think we know why!
"
"i am lost, so i ask someone kind
if my path he can help me to find.
""if i knew it, i'd tell,
except i'm lost as well:
it's the blind,"" he says, ""leading the blind.""
"
"you can't tell a book by its binding,
as rupert is rapidly finding:
these plain cover books
about 'birds' ? when he looks ?
contain pictures of nudes that are blinding!
"
"the condition will cause the man's death.
it's been there since his very first breath.
a congenital disease
brings old seth to his knees
till ""come home,"" the lord saith unto seth.
"
"that crossword ? the grid you are jottin' on ?
its word play and puns you will spot, anon.
don't give up ? just refuse ?
keep on reading the clues:
they are cryptic, but soon you will cotton on.
"
"on blue peter they made things fantastic,
using scrap wrapped in ""sticky-backed plastic"".
some things boyish, some girlier,
""here's one i made earlier ...""
using ? what's that? ? val's knicker elastic?!
"
"an old chestnut popped into my head:
""two bishops were lying in bed.
which one, do you think,
wore the nightie?"" (nudge, wink)
""mrs bishop, of course,"" someone said.
"
"remember macbeth's lady wife,
who cold-bloodedly proffered a knife?
she didn't think twice
as she offered advice
to her husband to end duncan's life.
"
"a young crab, introduced to a shrimp,
sidled close and said, ""hey, you're a wimp!
as a fellow crustacean,
to a distant relation,
i can tell from your shell you are limp.""
"
"""once upon a ..."" the story begins,
""there lived ..."" it goes on, for its sins,
till, concludingly, it
will end up with this bit:
""... ever after."" yes, happiness wins!
"
"stick more coins in? i'm very unwilling.
that coin machine swallowed my shilling.
did it register? no!
would it let the coin go?
no, of course not ? they're making a killing!
"
"if winnie the pooh'd had a boat,
would piglet have joined him afloat,
and have used eeyore's tail,
when they all were a-sail,
as a bell rope to sound the bell's note?
"
"concentrated, this juice really oughta
be diluted. but if i add water,
it won't be so thick,
and the sugar won't stick,
so it won't rot the teeth of my daughter.
"
"if i write some new lyrics, you'll knock
out some musical notes on your glock,
so our talents, combined,
mean, together, we'll find
our collaborative effort will rock!
"
"jumbo jets land from faraway places:
see conveyor belts carrying cases
to passengers who
fail to spot quite a few,
as they glide past their fraught, frowning faces.
"
"will the coconut blush? is it shy?
no, to shy is to throw. you and i
will toss three wooden balls:
if a coconut falls
at the fun fair, a prize will be nigh.
"
"cotyledonary leaves first appear
to announce the new true leaves are near.
these latter will show
which plant is to grow ?
cotyledons are never too clear.
"
"""what's a mountain goat doing up there ?
on a cloud bank, so high in thin air?
as i pilot my plane
i just ask once again ...""
(""omigod!"" was the pilot's last prayer.)
"
"on his wife he would wholly depend ? all
his life he was faithful. he'd spend all
the money he made
on his wife, and he prayed
she'd stay always his be all and end all.
"
"concealment and secrecy: acts
that prevent us from knowing the facts.
what governments hide
is ... they're not on our side.
they will never confide it spells tax!
"
"""if you fall and you land on your head,
you can damage your brain, or be dead,
but a crash helmet helps,""
explains christopher phelps
(only he wears his skid-lid in bed).
"
"she sucks up to the boss, see her fall
all over him ? how she's the gall ...!
she cajoles, brings him tea,
almost screams, ""look at me ?
see, i'll just lick your boots while i crawl.""
"
"stubborn three-year-old william said,
as he stamped his foot, ""shan't go to bed.""
it's a battle of wills,
thought his mother ? no pills
to force sleep, nor a blow on the head!
"
"when you barked, ""move. make way!"", i presume
""please excuse me, i need some more room""
is what you intended.
i'm deeply offended:
your brusqueness runs through me: kaboom!
"
"are we cranks who belong to this site,
writing limericks morning and night?
we keep cranking them out,
not a moment's self-doubt:
it's not natural ? it cannot be right!
"
"yes, it crops up, not just now and then ?
no, it pops up again and again!
do you rhyme it with rain
and pronounce it ""a gain""
or allow it to rhyme with a wren?
"
"the crane brothers, frasier and niles:
these characters spread many smiles.
their sit-com's a battle
of wits in seattle
through snobby psychiatrists' wiles.
"
"he craves maths, she craves art: that's their curse,
though they pledged 'twas for better or worse.
while he longs for more sums,
she seeks rum-ti-tum-tums
and soon finds her catharsis in verse.
"
"crimson is red with a  hint
of deep pink, for a rosier tint.
it's the colour of kings'
robes and carpets and things.
red's to crimson what green is to mint.
"
"we all rush to the bog from the car ?
we've been driving so long and so far.
then we smile with relief,
but with sheer disbelief
that bog rushes are plants ? how bizarre!
"
"like butter prepared by a cook,
or the head of an old shepherd's crook,
or chameleons' tails,
or hide-away snails:
i thought i'd curl up with a book.
"
"winter-flowering, the hellebore grows
in my garden: the white christmas rose.
all the pretty heads droop,
so my visitors stoop
to admire the blooms at their toes.
"
"a crane fly, so fragile and light,
glides in at the window by night.
his legs trail near my face;
hear me wail ? a disgrace!
for this innocent fly will not bite.
"
"he arrives in a stretched limousine:
quite the glitziest singer i've seen!
his voice draws the crowd:
he's so cool and so loud!
what a crowd puller ? even on screen!
"
"four chums went out walking: amelia,
cornelia, celia and delia.
imagine their joy,
on befriending a boy,
to discover his name was ophelia!
"
"a swan's signature might be the grace
of its white-feathered body and face.
but its grey, gawky baby,
so awkward, means maybe
a cygnet sure isn't in place.
"
"creature comforts ? don't take them for granted,
though, from birth, in your life they're implanted.
they're what nurture the flesh:
food and clothes that are fresh,
a warm nook, and your world seems enchanted.
"
"this tailored grey suit that you wear,
with its classical cut, like your hair,
makes me think, at a guess,
you're conservative. yes?
or, if i may say so, a square!
"
"she's seven months old, baby ruth,
and how different from yesterday ? strewth!
as she suckled her milk,
her gums were like silk,
but today ...! seems she cut her first tooth!
"
"the bishop, last sunday, confessed
he had grown to be corpulently blessed:
""i'm excessively fat,
but who cares about that?
my 'problem' need not be addressed!""
"
"every new parent's fear, god knows,
is cot death ? the cruellest of blows.
be you poor, be you wealthy,
your joy: baby's healthy ?
the next thing ... and here my pen froze.
"
"she's my countrywoman ? we both belong
to the same british isles. all along,
though she's dark and i'm fair,
we have breathed the same air:
same hymn-sheet ? we sing the same song.
"
"when composing upon my pc,
i'll add callouts ? perhaps two or three.
i don't mean to fuel
some meet-at-dawn duel ?
but i like using speech-bubbles, me!
"
"a chough is a red-legged crow,
which only a chough needs to know,
unless you're a twitcher
who takes the chough's picture
with black-and-white film ? what a blow!
"
"""do not run in the corridor."" ? school
is the place where we first learn that rule.
but long passages seem
like a track-sprinter's dream:
it's what makes a child run like a fool.
"
"our undergrad peer's a buffoon
who published a mocking lampoon
to deride us and tramp us ?
the big man on campus:
if you sup with him, bring a long spoon.
"
"now if i were condemned to swing high,
then, the last night before i would die,
i might choose my last meal;
i'd say, ""frankly, i feel
like mashed spud atop mince: cottage pie!""
"
"there are large herds of cows, schools of whales,
flocks of sheep with a tremble of tails.
when the phelps family gather,
they're all in a lather:
a turmoil of phelpses prevails.
"
"the cheque book's used up; we must see
where we've spent all our dosh. i agree
that the counterfoils show
where our money went ? oh,
you're quite right: seems it all funded me!
"
"from censure, i beg you'll refrain.
do not judge me with thoughtless disdain.
though i think at slow speed,
if you cut me, i bleed:
don't condemn me for having ""no brain"".
"
"compound nouns are like jigsaw and sunshine.
you can make up your own, such as bunshine.
take two words that are small:
join them up ? that is all
you must do to have plenty of funshine.
"
"when her children are reaching their teens
and she's growing too fat for her jeans,
when she no longer needs
monthly uterine bleeds:
that's what change of life (menopause) means.
"
"ask for credit? the answer is no!
either pay up, or turn round and go.
there is no ""never-never"",
not now, and not ever;
we don't keep a slate, we take dough!
"
"into our language has eased
a slang word whose meaning is ""pleased"".
it's well tried and tested
and, if you've not guessed it,
i'm chuffed that my riddle has teased.
"
"it's a shame mrs smith doesn't know,
when she christens her new daughter zoe,
a diacritic should be
on that last letter e
so's young zo?'s two syllables show.
"
"""oh, bother! oh, fiddle! oh, crumbs!
i forgot how to twiddle my thumbs.""
as granny ignored
grandpa phelps, who was bored,
he decided to play with his chums.
"
"its compactness in verse is bijou:
with but three lines the writers make do ?
only seventeen beats:
that is all that completes
the old japanese verse-form: haiku.
"
"you're a dog, and you want to succeed?
go to crufts ? win the cup ""best of breed"",
from chihuahua to poodle
(not cross labradoodle ?
only pups born of thoroughbred seed!)
"
"you'll never see jane simply sitting;
she'll be sketching or writing or knitting.
she's creatively gifted:
her spirits are lifted
with inventive designs unremitting.
"
"in his image god made us, they say
(the creator of earth, night and day,
and of us) ? then it's native:
like him, we're creative ?
we'll find our fulfilment that way.
"
"when conventionalism was rife,
a man had to find a good wife
to live under his thumb,
and be good to his mum,
making housework the hub of her life.
"
"""my coat's covered in hairs,"" said jerome,
""and i've left my best clothesbrush at home.
i think, at a pinch,
i might brush inch by inch
with my toothbrush ? or, maybe, my comb?""
"
"if you'd rather we didn't all hear your throat,
i suggest that you cough and so clear your throat.
could it be a frog's stuck
in your gorge? ? such bad luck!
for amphibians shouldn't go near your throat.
"
"the cowardliness of the brothers
sees them pointing a finger at others:
""it is her, and not us,
who threw stones at the bus.
if it's anyone's fault, it's our mother's!""
"
"frankie phelps held a knife when we met.
i broke out in a sudden cold sweat:
now too hot, now a-shiver,
i cried, ""not my liver! ?
cut it out!"" said mad frankie, ""you bet!""
"
"a double-edged sword is the claymore;
a broadsword, this sword ? need i say more?
from north of the border,
this sword's of the order
of swords that i'm doubtful could weigh more.
"
"the coot and the rail and the crake
feed in reed beds alongside the lake.
the corncrake (crex crex)
you will know (without specs)
by its screech that you cannot mistake.
"
"i'm wrapped up like a mummy ? none sillier!
but it's windy up here, where it's hillier.
though the temperature's not
freezing cold, it's not hot,
and the wind chill makes skin feel much chillier.
"
"made of stale food and waste, full of germs,
my compost heap's smelly and ... squirms!
as the bits decompose,
it grows sweet to the nose,
helped by pachyderm dung and some worms!
"
"swim close to anemones, clown fish,
then you stay just as safe as a brown fish.
the warm sea is made bright
by your orange and white,
and no big fish will gobble you down, fish.
"
"she stroked her affectionate mog;
thought him doting, like any pet dog.
but the cat purred for food,
and his love, misconstrued,
was pure cupboard love: mog was a hog!
"
"stand back on the pavement, young lad.
keep your feet off the kerbstone ? that's bad:
if a truck scrapes your nose
or runs over your toes
as you're right on the edge, you'll be sad.
"
"so, at last, we are tucked up in bed!
husband mine, there are things to be said,
now we're private and quiet:
concerning your diet ...
are you still shoving food in your head?!
"
"tom puts on his shirt and perceives
flapping cuffs at the ends of the sleeves:
no buttons ? who shows 'em?
adds cufflinks ? he chose 'em
to close 'em with style, he believes.
"
"so that cut-price fork went for a song:
it was cheap, yet so shiny and long.
what a bargain ? one pound!
see me poking the ground,
no joking ? there's only one prong!
"
"it's a jumps-to-the-eye-then-the-hand name;
it's a carve-it-in-stone-not-in-sand name.
it's like kellogg's or heinz,
or stoddards (fine wines):
it's a name that will sell ? it's a brand name.
"
"if you follow this road round the bend,
you will come to a sudden dead end:
it's a cul-de-sac, bound
to make people turn round ?
or a wall they might try to ascend!
"
"in our pockets we dig ever deeper.
as our alcohol taxes grow steeper,
to bring home the booze,
'cross the channel we cruise ?
wine and beer sold in france is much cheaper.
"
"it's the well-arranged beds in a garden;
it's a glue that adheres and will harden;
it is lucid expression
devoid of digression:
coherent, so's no-one says, ""pardon?""
"
"please, ladies, don't go in the gents,
when you're spending a penny (or pence).
you will find little lenience
in such a convenience
for women so lacking in sense.
"
"my watch was too big. it would dangle
and swing round my wrist like a bangle.
i tried to compress it ?
not wise! ? i confess, it
got broken halfway through the mangle.
"
"though the damselfish causes you grief,
he adds beauty beyond all belief:
royal blues and bright yellows,
this girly-named fellow's
one dam' selfish fish from the reef.
"
"i shall publish this verse and be damned.
so what if you think you are spammed?
it's a poem to share
and i really don't care
if my soul into hellfire is slammed.
"
"mona's achy and shaky and old,
and forever so damnably cold.
she weeps for her ills
and keeps swallowing pills;
in the ""cursing olympics"" wins gold.
"
"i was young and na?ve, i was green,
and my grey matter shallow and lean.
now my hair's turning grey,
i can conscionably say
i've grown wiser than ever i've been.
"
"that toy cat is convincingly real ?
it has the same look, the same feel,
as a real living cat
who is sleeping ? out flat.
yet the vet bills are nil: it's ideal!
"
"though his costume made lots of folks smile,
slowing down during mile after mile
of marathon speed,
dick was forced to concede:
""this chicken suit's cramping my style.""
"
"jack's a dabbler, so nothing gets done.
he will give things a go just for fun,
but his interest soon fades:
he's a jack-of-all-trades,
superficial, and master of none.
"
"""it's six months since our salary rise,
so we don't want another."" (surprise!)
call me cynical, but
i can feel in my gut,
mps fear their expenses' demise.
"
"the persistence of memory is funny:
painted clocks, sort of melting and runny!
""surreal"" says the spiel,
but is dali for real?
when i asked, the curator said, ""bunny!""
"
"but, darling, you don't understand ?
i knitted this beanie by hand,
especially for you,
so your ears don't turn blue:
it is not a machine-knitted brand.
"
"imagine one hundred and one
dalmatians ? oh what doggy fun!
with their spots, black and white,
they're a wonderful sight ?
energetic when out for a run.
"
"creeping jenny will cover the ground,
its leaf round as a penny or pound.
it's called moneywort, too,
and will creep through the dew:
yellow flowers in summer abound.
"
"fork lightning is slashing the sky,
as sir oliver pilkington-pie
crouches low: sir o feels,
with his bum on his heels,
he'll escape being struck from on high.
"
"sir oliver pilkington-pie
holds a monocle close to one eye
to examine a crack,
a crevice ? alack! ?
in the wall: a gap seven-foot high.
"
"as winter prepares to depart,
yellow trumpets declare a fresh start.
their announcement is seen,
more than heard, on the green,
when each daffodil opens its heart.
"
"this telegraph pole is a large pole,
but safe, no electrical-charge pole!
that pole, though, don't touch,
oh no, thank you so much:
that's one pole i'd not touch with a barge pole.
"
"two white bones form an x ? they criss-cross
underneath a white skull to emboss
the black cloth of the flag:
it's a pirate ship's tag,
warning other poor sailors who's boss.
"
"some cyclopses (one-eyed, please note)
said ""a two-eyed persona"" (i quote)
should be chosen as their
king or queen. it's not fair,
but the ayes, in the end, won the vote.
"
"our name's phelps, we're the cr?me de la cr?me.
peers and nobs? ? we're much better than them.
bow and show us your loyalty,
we're practically royalty ?
the bloom at the top of the stem.
"
"said robin, the king of the hoods,
to his men, in the heart of the woods,
""i want a wife who
fires arrows like you:
tell me, can you deliver the goods?""
"
"old phineas phelps was delighted
when he thought he was soon to be knighted
(misread philips as phelps!)
and gave jubilant yelps.
(you don't get to be 'sir' if short-sighted!)
"
"when you're sketching in simple black line,
make your drawing look even more fine:
add some criss-crossing lines.
such cross-hatching defines
depth and shadow: a 3d design.
"
"teeth knocked out in a jousting adventure,
the red knight sat in front of a trencher
piled with food that smelt good,
so he whittled some wood
into new ones, then chomp went his denture!
"
"that girl on tv (not the minger),
she's your double: look closely ? that singer!
got your eyes and your chin,
hey, she could be your twin.
is it you, or is she a dead ringer?
"
"""old devonshire, now known as devon,
is the south-western english coast's heaven:
green fields and blue sky ...""
says old pilkington-pie,
(sir oliver moved there, aged seven).
"
"dartmouth sits at the mouth of the dart.
for devonshire sailors, the art
is to launch their big yacht
with a cry of 'what! what!'
and set sail for start bay for a start.
"
"just as soon as i've breathed my last breath, ask
if, before i go into my death-cask,
you may pour o'er your master
a bucket of plaster:
a mould of my face for a death mask.
"
"mother thinks i said ""let's have some toast!""
i repeat. now it's ""better not boast?""
when she's reading my lips
my spontaneous quips
die a death: she's as deaf as a post.
"
"i've got a strong feeling ? have you?
(there, again, as i write this line 2) ?
that i've been here before
writing this ? writing more
just the same, yet again ? d?j? vu!
"
"dressed in one of the farmer's old coats,
the scarecrow won't worry two goats:
so billy and charlie
are cropping the barley,
the wheat and the rye and the oats.
"
"people told me when i was a girl,
""eat your crusts, it will make your hair curl.""
working out in my head
how the edge of the bread
could curl hair put my brain in a whirl.
"
"the full moon is bewitchingly bright.
there'll be broomsticks a-flying tonight.
magic blows through the air.
i can feel every hair
stand erect on my neck. i take flight.
"
"a joke, when it's comically told,
makes me laugh, even when the joke's old.
so, i've heard it before,
but it still makes me roar
if the manner of telling takes hold.
"
"we're cooking up grounds to acquire
a puppy, and so we conspire:
for exercise, play,
a best friend we can lay,
like a rug, on the floor by the fire.
"
"if we ever break into this safe,
we shall break into song, me and ralph,
as our mood will be sunny:
we'll spend all the money
on food for each poor hungry waif.
"
"after one or two short high school terms,
teacher asked us to bring in some worms.
i'd have liked to protect them,
but had to dissect them,
cold-bloodedly ending all squirms!
"
"filled with birdseed, supplying their need,
bird feeders allow birds to feed.
and to see how they work
is a definite perk,
as both they and the birds will succeed.
"
"he's a barrel of laughs, is our rich ?
gives each aspect of life his best pitch:
witty words, tossed in place,
or a look on his face,
will be sure to make someone's mouth twitch.
"
"such letters as these, big or small ?
no descenders, nor risers ? we call
block capitals, so
now that's clear, you should know,
it does not mean i'm shouting at all!
"
"consideration's not too much to ask:
don't you think you might help with the task
of arranging this thing
with my arm in a sling?
think of me while you selfishly bask.
"
"there are hundreds of cumbrian fells,
but my favourite hill is catbells,
rising gently above
derwentwater. i love
walking there, where the mountain sheep dwells.
"
"grandma's face is all squishy and saggy,
and her multiple chins ? they're so baggy!
grandpa, though: different creature! ?
chin and nose ? every feature
about him is rock-sharp and craggy.
"
"a young mademoiselle from dieppe
would eat cr?pe after cr?pe after cr?pe:
crispy pancakes from france
were so light she could dance.
(soggy english ones weighted her step.)
"
"rugged rocks, jagged boulders ? it's like
the moon's surface, atop scafell pike.
england's highest high spot,
tallest peak of the lot,
one more crag you won't reach on your bike!
"
"if you're rocking your baby to sleep,
i'd suggest that a cradle, quite deep,
should be bought from the shops;
don't use windy treetops ?
branches break! ? and the fall can be steep.
"
"sing hickory, dickory, dockery:
the sink's full of soap suds and crockery.
take care washing up
every plate, dish and cup ?
don't want broken ceramics through knockery!
"
"""chink, chink, chaps! here's mud in your eye!""
says sir oliver pilkington-pie.
""by jove! fancy that!""
and he strokes the cravat
round his neck (not a common old tie).
"
"when your cake you are ready to ice,
add some sugary sweets to each slice ?
say violets, mimosa,
or some such? ? suppose a
few crystallized flow'rs would be nice.
"
"buy rectangular slabs? hear me snoring!
tidy patio squares i find boring.
we'll use offcuts, thus saving
expense: crazy paving ?
mad shapes beyond any ignoring.
"
"at two thousand and eighty-nine feet,
causey pike is a hill that looks sweet.
it's the bump, i suppose,
that looks so like a nose
on the mountain you're longing to greet.
"
"he lives wild, does christopher cross.
his bed is of straw lined with moss.
stars above, leaves beneath,
but he still cleans his teeth
before bed, using worm-silk as floss.
"
"yes, i boldly and clearly speak out,
so bombastic that some say i shout.
but why should i feel shame?
let declaimers declaim!
it is rhetoric we're all about.
"
"i've warned every cat in this house,
it's the close season: kill not one mouse!
leave your claws on the shelf
till the glorious twelf' ?
then i'll let you go hunting for grouse!
"
"this is the definition ? not any;
not one definition of many.
check every particle,
the definite article:
the ? has it dropped now, the penny?
"
"they're so arrogant, bleeding us dry,
with their taxes and fines ? don't care why
we're unable to pay,
as they proudly hold sway ?
wave these wise guys a heartfelt goodbye.
"
"i am culturally broad in my style.
i wear indian beads that beguile.
i sport fringed cowboy boots
and i don't give two hoots
if my lovely grass skirt makes you smile.
"
"they are tolling joe's death knell. each bong
of the church bell's as cold as it's long.
we've been hearing that chime
for some weeks. it's high time
that they buried joe now there's a pong.
"
"a young man with a very blocked nose
asked his friends, ""i say, do you suppose
that it's simply a question
of nasal congestion,
the reason i can't smell this rose?""
"
"our dog will be sadly surprised
on becoming demasculinised.
let's face it: he won't
have a ball, and i don't
think a job as a stud is advised.
"
"when she desperately needed a hug,
he cast up his eyes; gave a shrug,
with a devil-may-care
irresponsible air . . .
then he tripped (tee hee hee) on the rug!
"
"ideal for breakfast or brunch,
crispy bacon is lovely to munch.
it's tender and brittle,
so crunch just a little,
and save a few rashers for lunch.
"
"your departure i wish to achieve;
being shrewd, i've a plan up my sleeve:
i'll be holding my breath
and feigning my death
in the hope that you'll finally leave.
"
"she'll cursorily glance at his bag ?
peep swiftly inside: any swag?
he's not really her type
in his red and white stripe
and black mask! ? bet he's stolen that jag!
"
"a bottlenose dolphin, it's said,
has a smoothly defined rounded head.
with its long smiley beak,
its expression says cheek!
see it swim the atlantic or med.
"
"they have twins: tiny son and a daughter.
newborn babies give parents no quarter.
so it's baptism by fire
as mum walks the high wire,
and dad's up to his neck in hot water.
"
"the birds' nest is woven from straw,
lined with soft mud and moss on the floor.
the birds cosily sit
on their eggs and won't flit
till the babies hatch, safe and secure.
"
"neither in his first youth, nor an old fish,
he's warm orange because he's a goldfish.
he attracts a young pike,
who declares she would like
to embrace him ? but, no! ? he's a cold fish.
"
"naked under his overcoat (stark!),
says the flasher, one night, in the park:
""now you see! now you don't!
now you see!"" ? no, you won't,
for the flasher is veiled in the dark.
"
"""safe and damp,"" thought fritz frosch as he sank
in the splish-sploshy dark. ""how i thank
the good rain god, who gave
such a puddly cave,
for saving my life: gott sei dank!""
"
"so, you're reading this verse about sheep
that you count when you're trying to sleep.
then, with almost no warning,
alarms say it's morning,
at a (beep) moment's notice (beep, beep)!
"
"your endearing sweet chuckles and yelps
make me think that you must be a phelps!
you're delightfully funny
with your hair dripping honey.
you don't have to be mad but it helps.
"
"i am ringing you out of the blue;
you don't know me, but how do you do?
i've a service to sell you;
allow me to tell you ?
well, 'hello and goodbye' to you, too!
"
"rain clouds gather. it's dismally dark.
though i'm close to the shops, i can't park.
then again, i've no cash.
coming out was quite rash.
oh, the future's depressingly stark!
"
"these wild dead nettles bloom from mid-spring;
they are not really dead ? and don't sting!
some red, and some white,
they're a bee's great delight;
such sweet nectar their dense petals bring.
"
"who dunnit? throw dice on the scene ?
in the study; lead piping; rev green?
we're playing a game,
and cluedo's its name:
place, weapon and culprit we glean.
"
"the pall-bearers gently confessed
that they didn't feel decently dressed
in their yellow and pink
floral frocks. but i think
our late mum would have been so impressed.
"
"""knock, knock!"" i said. john cried, ""who's there?""
""it's boo,"" i said. (that made him stare!)
""boo who?"" was john's query.
""oh, please, don't cry, dearie!""
(boo hoo! ? do you get it?) what flair!
"
"""there's a maid who's undoubtedly fair,
and fires arrows with feminine flair:
it's maid marian i'd
recommend as your bride,""
said friar tuck, with a confident air.
"
"""let's decorate!"" that's what i said,
not ""let's hang some balloons in the shed!""
i meant wallpaper, paint ?
oh, i must be a saint
to put up with the plonker i wed!
"
"i've a disinclination to eat
in this restaurant in france, as the meat
that forms the main course
is a lamb or a horse:
i can't stomach a neigh or a bleat.
"
"i am dizzily spinning around,
and i know i'll end up on the ground.
my poor inner-ear
is infected, it's clear,
as my balance is very unsound.
"
"sew with buttonhole stitch and you may
cut the fabric close by: it won't fray.
such cutwork enables
embroidering your table's
fine cloths full of holes on display.
"
"big eaters like litres of drink
to wash down their food, but i think
decilitres will do
to suit me, as it's true
that my appetite's starting to shrink.
"
"when the penalty's death (here's the rope!)
our society's given up hope.
""i'll be hanged, if i am,
for a sheep not a lamb,
with a family to feed,"" said joe soap.
"
"if you're grinding your teeth, get a bite guard
made to measure, a perfect fits-right guard.
bite your cheeks and wake sore?
jaw aligned, then no more!
your appliance is worn as a night-guard.
"
"a figure from nought up to nine
is a decimal digit, like mine
that my fingers display
and, who knows, now i may
count to ten ? one and zero combine!
"
"i whispered some words in your ear,
the meaning of which wasn't clear.
passed along, on their rounds,
every whisper changed sounds
to say whiskers are all insincere.
"
"said sir oliver pilkington-pie,
""a communicative fellow am i.
i could talk the hind leg
off a donkey, and beg
you respond. i await your reply.""
"
"one bereavement, close after another ?
now i care for my elderly mother.
it's too much to deal with;
i've naught left to feel with,
so, numbly, i whisper, ""oh, brother!""
"
"seen the dazzling decor chez phelps ?
the bright wallpaper ? shocking-pink kelps
with bronze shells on a beach,
while the carpets are peach?
you don't have to be mad but it helps.
"
"mags the dog has a tail full of wags.
she can smell what i've got in these bags.
it is bone meal (crushed bones),
but her barks turn to moans ?
it's to spread on the flower-bed, mags!
"
"if it's sugar you crave then just spare a
healthy thought for your body ? it's fairer
to offer it treatment
that's kind. so for sweetment,
try the coarse, less refined, demerara.
"
"grandma's hearing aid used to be called
a deaf-aid. now folks are appalled
by a name that implies
a device that gives rise
to belief that poor hearing's installed.
"
"you say you're a jockey and yet
never sit on a horse! you regret
that you simply spin vinyl,
play records. one final
last time as a deejay? you bet!
"
"into the restaurant roy walks
and joins other diners. he talks
of chinese bok choy,
how he loves it, this boy,
its dark green crinkly leaves and white stalks.
"
"so, you saw our audition now signs,
and you fancy the stage, mr hines?
the determining factor
is: are you an actor?
let's hear you deliver your lines.
"
"billy bunter, of greyfriars school,
was a selfish and fat greedy fool.
this schoolboy, so hated,
frank richards created
for readers who thought he was cool.
"
"half a tablespoon, double a tea',
not for serving or stirring are we,
but for scooping your sweet
or your pudding: you eat
all your afters with us, do you see?
"
"death by lethal injection or hanging,
or a firing squad's dawn bang-bang-banging,
or electric-charged chairs ?
our crime matches theirs.
i'd pick prison and moral haranguing.
"
"the insecticide sprayed from my hose is
a depopulator of roses.
soon greenfly will drop
from the roses to stop
their consumption of buds, one supposes.
"
"prince charles, sir! and how do you do?
yes, my family you'll find in who's who.
i'm a cultivated plant ?
lady bramley's my aunt.
we drop apples, not aitches, in kew!
"
"young richard was hop, skip and jumpy,
which, at times, made his parents quite grumpy.
""do not jump on the bed,""
mother chidingly said,
""if you don't want a mattress that's lumpy.""
"
"men on bikes? ? no, they're flowers, you fool!
small and red, white or pink, as a rule.
see, each delicate stem
holds its own dainty gem ?
bloom or leaf: yes, the cyclamen's cool.
"
"i contrived to disguise my big nose
(a 'nose job' you'd say, i suppose)
in a sly, artful manner
involving a spanner
and, cunningly, nuts and a rose.
"
"i'm so pleased with my ermine fur coat,
snowy white and as soft as a stoat.
the detachable hood,
when removed, really could
make a hat for my kid ? pretty goat!
"
"i am licking a chocolate-vanilla
ice cream as i shout, ""up the villa!""
aston villa's the team
i support, as i dream
on my claret-and-blue-coloured pilla.
"
"the descriptiveness here, in this verse,
is perforce adjectively terse.
it's narrow. it's slight.
and, well, try as i might ...
for description, no verse form is worse.
"
"like raw pastry or putty, her skin
seems to cling to her bones. from her chin
to her toes, rose appears
like the ghosts that she fears:
deathly pallid and skeleton thin.
"
"there is owl's house up high in the trees
and then pooh's house due west, and in these,
i name only two,
so it really won't do
to deforest. no lumberjacks, please!
"
"think of school (i don't mean bricks and mortar):
where would you send your son or your daughter
to learn the three rs?
in their homes some mamas
would run dame-schools to teach all they oughta.
"
"new year's eve, and the future looks bleak
as my washing machine's sprung a leak.
""what's the damage?"" i ask
of the plumber. ""big task! ?
fifty quid ? and your kidney, next week!""
"
"come, bluebell, with ears soft as silk.
come, daisy, and all of your ilk.
it's milking time now
for each motherly cow:
dairy farmers are after your milk.
"
"here he comes on the warpath, our boss,
looking daggers (that's ever so cross).
we've stolen his toup?e
and keys to his coup?,
and now he's discovered his loss!
"
"lizzie opts to be goalie today,
as she thinks then she won't have to play.
she'd rather be lazy,
chain daisy to daisy.
her hockey stick lies far away.
"
"all the posters shrieked, ""world's greatest fair:
be boring, be dead or be there!""
but when we arrived
our raised hopes quickly dived:
muddy field, a damp squib, and thin air!
"
"the doctor sat down and said, ""kate,
you are dangerously fat ? overweight.
you have over-indulged
till your stomach has bulged
and your heart's in a terrible state.""
"
"devilled mushrooms i served en cocotte,
and beef wellington ? everything hot! ?
and delectable beans,
while behind (hush!) the scenes
a young chef that i hired did the lot.
"
"the landlords are out-and-out thugs,
and the bed linen's crawling with bugs.
imagine clean faces
on these pillow cases!
to sleep in these sheets we'd be mugs.
"
"""day trippers!"" cried george with disdain.
""on our desert island! ? it's plain
we can't let them encroach ...
look! they came here by coach!
i'll send timmy the dog to 'explain'!""
"
"i knew it was you from the pong!
now i see you've got mud on your thong.
and your tassels rotate
in a cobwebby state:
you've been dirtily dressed all night long.
"
"there was a young swimmer called clive
who wanted to practise his dive,
but he farted (the fool)
and zoomed out of the pool
like a rocket. he didn't survive.
"
"the way mrs x called me 'dear'
was derogatory, that's all too clear.
with disdain in her eyes,
she could barely disguise
the contempt she conveyed with her sneer.
"
"bulging blubber bursts out through the vest
of that man who's corporeally 'blessed'.
in his mind, i've no doubt,
there's a thin man wants out,
but dessert's still the course he likes best.
"
"diarrhoea is never much fun:
tummy cramps and, again, i must run.
i call it 'the squits'
but explosive wet sh ?
describes it, when all's said and done.
"
"of geranium genus, this grows
where the climate is temperate ? those
kinds of comfortable places.
it's named for the faces
of cranes with a long beaky 'nose'.
"
"see you're wearing your don't-give-a-heck shoes!
here, i've bought you these don't-break-your-neck shoes.
they're designed to have grip
so you won't slide and slip
when afloat on your boat: they are deckshoes.
"
"""i'm a dish and a saint,"" may will say,
in her cryptic, mysterious way.
but she cannot deny
every word is a lie:
it's completely dishonest of may.
"
"dazzled eyes squint and blink in the glare,
as we walk from the cave to fresh air.
the sun is so bright,
it's affecting our sight,
so it's back to our cosy dark lair.
"
"like the devil, john needed a dame,
so he phoned and asked, ""hey, are you game?
it's been a long time,
but i fancy that i'm ...
what the deuce! mom, you're not my old flame!""
"
"a popular purple delight,
whose blooms are occasionally white,
the foxglove can kill
or, at least, make you ill,
yet disease digitalis may fight.
"
"hello, little cell, how are you?
i am thinking of changing your hue.
if you're different from others,
your cellular brothers,
you may find yourself turning bright blue.
"
"i'm a herbivore: plain and succinct!
to an era long gone my name's linked.
north american classic,
i'm simply jurassic:
a diplodocus, huge and extinct.
"
"how can i differentiate james
from hamish, his twin, when their names
are, like them, so alike?
(why can't one be called spike,
as their looks are the samest of sames?)
"
"these two paintings are hinged, like a book.
on the altar they stand (need no hook).
they relate to each other,
like sister and brother.
for balance, give each a good look.
"
"don a warm woolly hat if you're chilly.
wearing pants on your head is plain silly.
no, it doesn't look cool.
you appear as a fool,
and your friends will all say you are dilly.
"
"joe was harvesting wheat on the farm.
when his scythe slipped, he showed no alarm,
but decapitated joe's
known wherever he goes
by the head carried under his arm.
"
"i'm fed up and grumpy. i toss
my head like a pig at the loss
of the oink in her voice,
and have, therefore, no choice
but to look all disgruntled and cross.
"
"my competitiveness, i must say,
is greater than yours, any day.
if you cannot accept it,
let's test it. i've kept it
to twelve hands of poker ? let's play!
"
"my methodically classified plants
(a to z, so's to see at a glance
my zinnias, so bright,
that were on the far right)
are disorganised now, and it's pants!
"
"they say diligence is a great teacher?
the industrious style of a creature
whose effort and care
are persistently there
(not monsieur diligence, who's a preacher).
"
"i shall di-a-gram how this verse goes,
so the place-s to stress are all those
that app-ear here in caps,
thus ex-plain-ing to chaps
how to read it, so diff'rent from prose.
"
"curly brackets are sometimes called braces,
and are used in a number of cases:
for linking two paths;
to mark sets, if it's maths,
or add feelings in cute smiley faces.
"
"there was once an incontinent viper
who desperately needed a diaper,
but he wasn't too happy
'bout wearing a nappy,
when grass made a better asp-wiper.
"
"when ferdinand phelps had the flu,
his temperature soared, and he grew
quite delirious ? he
spied the queen up a tree,
and found mice rolling dice in the loo.
"
"she decided to marry for dosh;
lived in luxury (boring, though posh).
so, by way of diversion,
she had 'a conversion':
now they all call her eric. (oh, gosh!)
"
"when i mentioned your losing your head,
'off your shoulders' was not what i said.
it's not something i'd do ?
not decapitate you!
if i chopped off your head, you'd be dead.
"
"one who uses a bubble pipe blows.
if one sucks, one gets soap up one's nose.
and sneezing out bubbles
is the least of one's troubles ?
the taste makes one curl up one's toes.
"
"such diversity! ? change after change
within life here on earth. it's so strange:
across land, air and sea
there's am?b?, there's me,
and bananas and ducks ? what a range!
"
"her commitment? she shows not one bit.
so, ten weeks through her training, she quit.
she's a natural aborter,
your give-it-up daughter:
starts one thing and, next thing, she'll flit.
"
"it's the carrot i have for a nose
that makes people mock, i suppose,
but they shouldn't deride
what they know i can't hide.
(glad they can't see my blackberry toes!)
"
"i want ? oh, i yearn ? i desire ?
i crave ? how, i long for! ? aspire
to be free of my debts,
but i want never gets.
ious i shall now set on fire!
"
"sir oliver pilkington-pie
said, ""to keep the sun out of one's eye,
a deerstalker's needed."" ?
advice he, too, heeded
in rain (the cap's peaks kept him dry)!
"
"he'll cursorily glance in her bag
and hope it holds big-ticket swag.
she's not really his type
for there's nothing to swipe,
just used tissues, old mints, and a rag!
"
"said the postman, delivering my letter,
""would you like your bad life to be better?
from evil you can
be delivered, my man:
just get rid of your barking red setter!""
"
"achromatic-type vision ? that might
make our colourful world black and white.
if one's eyes use the rods,
but no cones, then the odds
are the world looks by day as by night.
"
"when my  brother and i built our den
(i'd be six-and-a-half; he'd be ten)
in that bracken-clad ditch,
we felt safe; we felt rich
and as happy as pigs in a pen.
"
"said one box to its neighbour, ""i'm vexed!
some files that i house share the text
of your own ? makes me cry,
as i cannot see why
these in here are cross-filed in the next.""
"
"as the clock keeps on ticking, i'm writing
to complete my commissions: i'm fighting,
as deadlines approach,
other things that encroach
on my time, till my fingers i'm biting.
"
"ask old wives, and you'll find it is said
of a man, if he's derbyshire bred,
that, in arm, he is strong,
but ? you've guessed all along ?
born in derbyshire: weak in the head!
"
"learning spelling's such fun ? you agree?
no, disconsolateness defines me.
i'm the saddest of chumps;
yes, i'm down in the dumps ?
they said, ""spell it!"" and i said, ""i-t.""
"
"dim-witted means 'dense', but ? surprise!
the same doesn't pertain to the eyes.
dim-sighted (near blind)
doesn't speak of your mind,
but your vision. (a word to the wise!)
"
"dinner parties are rather old hat:
sit around a long table and chat,
dress up posh, drink fine wine,
knife and fork used to dine?
now a barbecue's more where it's at!
"
"my friend's a dispenser of pills,
packing tablets prescribed for our ills;
liquid medicines, too,
such as thick pinkish goo.
then she files all the phials she fills.
"
"so you promised to post that one letter,
then forgot, so, ok ? 'could do better!'
donning sackcloth and ashes?
wielding canes for self-bashes?
disproportionate punishment-setter!
"
"when my baby goes ""whaa!"" what she's needing
is to suckle ? her signals i'm reading.
i don't make the child wait
but i let her latch straight
on my breast for her milk (demand feeding).
"
"i'm beaked salmon, known too as beaked sandfish.
i'm a dig-with-my-snout-close-to-land fish.
in the shallows i stay,
where i could become prey,
though i don't wish to end up a canned fish.
"
"a cynic, diogenes, he
died age ninety, 322bc.
he slept in a barrel,
rough rags his apparel;
from care, like a dog, he was free.
"
"though his name might suggest it, i trust
that the coal tit's not covered in dust.
like his cousin the blue tit,
this much-paler-hue tit,
though tiny, is still upper crust.
"
"playing cards can be boring ? a game
such as snap's disappointingly tame.
it doesn't reflect
what i've come to expect:
after winning at poker, it's lame.
"
"if you're dormant by day, like a bat
(diurnation is what we call that),
then you miss all the fun
of the afternoon sun,
when we steep in its heat with the cat.
"
"her curbed appetite kept her from eating,
which, in turn, curbed her growing, defeating
the farmer's intention
to sell her. ""don't mention
mint sauce,"" she implored in her bleating.
"
"pre-decolonisation, just think ?
global maps were half-covered in pink,
every pink bit a realm
having brits at the helm.
sadly, great left old britain to sink.
"
"disdainfulness colours your face;
all those sneers put me right in my place.
oh, scornful old camel,
you misshapen mammal,
look civil and show a good grace!
"
"the dignified king, among gentry,
was hailed by a uniformed sentry,
and acclaimed, in the main,
but a lad made it plain:
""look, he's starkers!"" the truth wrecked his entry.
"
"your discourteousness is construed,
quite frankly, as nothing but rude.
shutting doors in my face
is a boorish disgrace ?
but to talk with a mouth full of food!
"
"i began this night out with such hearty feet.
now it's late, they're my two achy party feet?
they're too sore just to stand.
and i'm banned by the band:
when i dance, plastic shoes give me farty feet!
"
"frankie phelps is a trifle dim-witted ?
for the past tense of spit, says ""i spitted""!
when sorting his arse
from his elbow, he'll pass:
""i am not sure on which one i sitted.""
"
"black lipstick! you look such a brute.
and those multiple piercings aren't cute.
you've disfigured your face.
it's a sorry disgrace:
you are feeding this school's disrepute.
"
"so distantly are we related,
the royals and i, it is fated
that they never will greet me
nor make time to meet me ?
it's their seventeenth cousin i've mated.
"
"try a pure cotton candlewick spread,
soft and warm, to enhance any bed.
the wavy design
is a classic, but mine
has a waffle-style texture instead.
"
"you're my alibi ? you alone know
that i never left home. please don't go
till you've made it quite clear
to the plods i was here ?
it's important, and crucially so!
"
"as i write this (hang on, just a mo)
little verse (interrupted, you know!),
discontinu (what?) ation
breaks up my narration
that's (otherwise) ready to go.
"
"in our boat down the river we go,
but we don't need to paddle or row.
see that shoal of gold bream?
they are heading downstream;
like the fishes we'll go with the flow.
"
"with my pound i can now buy much less,
so i cannot afford a new dress.
if i just buy the sleeves
then the shortfall it leaves
will be barely enough to impress.
"
"there's thunder and lightning and gloom.
soon we'll wonder who dunnit to whom.
then will come the detection
of the phone's disconnection ?
we're cut off from the world to our doom.
"
"george chisholm was never alone
as long as he played his trombone.
trad jazz was his style
and he'd make us all smile
with a whimsical way of his own.
"
"""would that seagulls were not so explosive,
for their outfall is highly corrosive.
they observe from afar
someone cleaning their car
and then splat! goes your paintwork,"" said joseph.
"
"half a cow, you might say, is a calf!
well, that sounds kine of right ? what a laugh!
'point five' has attraction
as a decimal fraction;
still, a half is a half is a half.
"
"an encumbrance will make your step falter:
a troublesome burden, a halter
of progress with ease,
like a chain round your knees.
(call it cumbrance, it ain't gonna alter.)
"
"so you're stuck on your crossword, i guess?
but your turd, sir, you can't but confess
is an evil great brute
and its stink up my snoot
demands courtesy: flush out your mess!
"
"cuckoo flowers are really quite mad,
as their first name suggests, and by gad,
they like to play games ?
they have two other names:
lady's smock and then milkmaids. not bad!
"
"i'm no racehorse that leaves people sobbin'
or cheerin': i'm plain ploddin' dobbin.
i am not known to shirk
any farm-labour work.
give me hay and i won't throw my job in.
"
"on the day that matilda gives birth
comes a moment that fills her with mirth:
as her husband talks wildly
of angels, she mildly
smiles, as she's more down to earth.
"
"you looked in at my window and saw
a few sketches i'd started to draw.
the pictures don't matter;
you stopped for a natter ?
my drawing drew  you to my door.
"
"""we're not talking embroidery, dear.""
""nor of cute fluffy kittens, i fear.""
they dismissively note
women don't need the vote:
some men beg to be drowned in their beer.
"
"i've won barely one trick in a week.
now i'm dealt a great hand ? not so bleak:
with spades' queens, diamonds' jacks,
plus some trump-cards (i've stacks),
i'm declaring my double-b?zique.
"
"i do not understand what you're saying.
words fly past my head without staying,
like those foreign tongues, such
as i'd call double dutch,
or the sound of an old donkey's braying.
"
"said a drunken old man, ""dear, oh, dear!""
and he hiccoughed, ""it'sh patently clear:
i cannot exshisht
unlesh i am pished.""
then he swigged one more bottle of beer.
"
"you're a doll, and the size of a mouse,
but you still want to live in a house,
with miniature chairs,
six inches of stairs,
and some tiny doll-children and spouse.
"
"what i learned knocked me into next week!
it was dumbfounding. see? i can't speak.
my bewilderment's such
that my stomach i clutch:
my old man is a werewolf, the freak!
"
"so, your dog's curly coat you want straight?
well, a dog-iron won't fix it, old mate!
it won't straighten one crease
from a dog's frizzy fleece,
but for fireplaces' log-support ? grate!
"
"stop whinging and whining, you fool,
with your ""don't want to go in to school!""
course the teachers don't hate you!
come on, now ? you're late: you
are still the headmaster ? be cool!
"
"much too dully the sun shines, you say?
it's not clouds that obscure each bright ray.
if your windows were shined,
you would suddenly find
yourself dazzled, this fine summer's day.
"
"mother nature, the artist, can yield
a red poppy that grows in a field
full of corn. you've not got one?
it's easy to spot one
of monet's, so keep your eyes peeled.
"
"switch that vacuum off. let's have some hush!
all that noise turns my brain into mush.
why not sweep up instead
and protect my poor head;
scoop it up with that dustpan and brush.
"
"this weevil's a happy wee boy;
he's in clover ? though that he'll destroy!
if he could, he would whistle ?
he's not in a thistle,
but clover: his food and his joy.
"
"just look at miss phelps (auntie mabel):
by tilting the mirror, she's able
to spread rouge on her ears
and check how it appears,
as she sits at her dressing (well) table!
"
"there was a young girl from torbay
who pronounced old torquay as 'tor kway'.
and paignton she spelt
as 'paint on', though she dwelt
not a ten-minute amble away.
"
"dove's foot cranesbill's an annual weed,
pink and tiny, that spreads with great speed
across poor soily borders
and lawns. follow orders:
remove it. don't let it succeed.
"
"so swollen and grossly distended,
a beer belly cannot be mended,
so i might as well drink
one more pint ? it won't shrink.
it's too bad if my girlfriend's offended.
"
"it's offensive and rude and unduly
unpleasant to call him a coolie.
it demeans the man's station
(so what if he's asian?) ?
take control of your tongue: it's unruly.
"
"i thought you liked boating, dear man,
on something that floats, rather than
descending with ropes
down a cliff-side, with hopes
not to fall: you're an abseiler, stan!
"
"on the front is the sovereign's head,
a king or a queen, and i read
that it promised to pay
the bearer ? what? ? say,
twenty pounds: paper banknote ? or 'bread'.
"
"when i think of the sinking titanic,
the frenzy that must have been manic:
people desperately trying
to save themselves dying
by drowning ? i do sense their panic.
"
"as in basket, but not as in bag;
as in flagpole, but not as in flag:
a two-syllable word,
not daft, more absurd ?
more wiggle or waggle than wag.
"
"the digestion of british roast beef
after chewing's achieved in the chief
through the stomach, where juices
have break-it-down uses.
(no good for what's stuck in your teef!)
"
"""something's odd,"" says my child, ""about you:
your poor teeth look all yellow and blue!""
""neglect caused decay,
and then fillings,"" i say,
""left my teeth all discoloured, it's true.""
"
"some performers can dislocate knees
and shoulders and elbows and squeeze
all their joints even more so,
contorting the torso,
for pure entertainment (and fees).
"
"go away, hungry hedgehog, steer clear.
it's you and the grass snake i fear.
i'm a common old toad
in my garden abode
and i'm due to turn forty next year.
"
"though the elm, a deciduous tree,
is as english as english can be,
it succumbs to disease ?
called dutch elm, if you please:
a sad fall for the tall green grandee.
"
"my pleasures are earthborn and plain,
picking flowers, still damp from the rain.
mother earth, born your slave,
when i lie in my grave,
i'll be earthdied, and grow with the grain.
"
"the deathrate, you'd think, could be high
among lemmings with clifftops close by,
but the fact each will jump
to its death, like a chump,
is a myth. here's another: they fly!
"
"in purple-black clusters, so neat,
the elder tree's berries are sweet.
if you like a fruit drink,
they'll make wine, but i think
that you might prefer jelly to eat.
"
"a sound may bounce off a high wall-all-all-all,
so the noise will repeatedly fall-all-all-all.
an echo's the name
of this audio game,
it's reverb-erb-eration, that's all-all-all-all.
"
"no one's died or resigned and, it's true,
red's still red, just as blue is still blue.
there's no chance, even vague,
of a flood or a plague;
nothing earthshaking. how about you?
"
"bernadette is a phelps with odd pets,
so an earwig's as good as it gets.
the insect's sharp pincers
will quickly convince us
the band-aids are all bernadette's.
"
"i'm sick of you watching tv.
shift your backside, get off that settee.
i said move your bahookie
and let's have some nookie;
come up to the bedroom with me.
"
"degradable bags would be fine
if their falling apart and decline
were not quite so quick,
as i don't like their trick
of releasing my bottles of wine.
"
"banana loaf's easy to bake,
with bananas in, make no mistake,
and dried fruit, eggs and flour.
it cooks in one hour
and makes a delectable cake.
"
"once he found that he couldn't crack polo,
kevin dribbled (a ball) playing solo.
a phelps by adoption,
his only sports option
was football: ""king kev of the goal-o"".
"
"in the days before bedroom en-suites,
when our beds still had blankets and sheets,
on top we'd be laying
an eiderdown, weighing
not much, filled with feathers (no tweets!).
"
"its small rounded leaflets appear
like buttons on fronds, but it's clear
that the plant button fern
still has plenty to learn:
no buttonholes anywhere near.
"
"so eccentrically gifted this clan,
the phelpses: they're mad to a man.
unconventional? yah!
with a dress sense bizarre
and a penchant for any strange plan.
"
"the  note from mike's mother, in bold
scarlet letters, said, ""do as you're told.""
disobediently, mike
said, ""i'll do as i like.""
but he is forty-seven years old.
"
"at eleven years old we're assessed
by exam: who is worst; who is best?
can we read? can we spell?
do iq tests as well?
even sums? the eleven-plus test!
"
"with the editing of what i've written
i'm not, i confess, very smitten:
left my typos alone,
addid mor of their own;
it makes me ashamed of great britten.
"
"though my father might glower or glare,
it is not in his nature to swear.
damn and blast or hells' bells
are the worst words he yells,
and to utter such oaths is so rare.
"
"blue-green algae are toxic: they kill.
they feed on the phosphates that spill
into rivers and lakes,
and a dip's all it takes
to make swimmers, at best, very ill.
"
"how the market can shrink and then grow!
this you might have heard called ebb and flow.
as the tides of the ocean
show low and high motion,
so businesses, too, come and go.
"
"elizabeth phelps, known as bessie,
was always dishevelled and messy,
but she's smart as can be
since she went to paree:
with a swan on her head, bessie's dressy.
"
"just imagine the parting of lives!
husbands hugging, then sending their wives
off to safety in lifeboats,
those children-and-wife boats.
their courage is all that survives.
"
"to live without liquid's unthinkable,
and water is perfectly drinkable,
but, firstly, make sure
that the water is pure,
not dirty and pour-down-the-sinkable.
"
"determination's the bee's middle name.
winging straight as a die is his aim.
through a wall he would fly
(his resolve makes him try)
in a beeline for home. what a shame!
"
"at debauchery bessie excels,
as this phelps girl does stuff that compels
common folk to exclaim,
""is this girl on the game?
she adorns her bare breasts with brass bells!""
"
"does a permit belong to the act
or the person who's driving, in fact?
driving licence (uk);
driver's license, they say
in america: much more exact!
"
"if a door jam stands tall by a door,
what on earth is chair marmalade for?
not door jam! don't you see?
it's doorjamb ? with a b.
(is that butter you've spread on the floor?)
"
"what's the menu when times become hard?
bread and dripping or, worse, bread and lard.
it's the juices of meat
when there's none left to eat;
polished off is their pig from the yard.
"
"paws together as if i might pray?
no, i'm nibbling acorns today.
i shall bury lots more
for my mid-winter store
before falling asleep in my drey.
"
"so deep-set in their sockets, her eyes
were like jewels in a cave. no surprise
then that there, on her nose,
breathing crimson and rose,
sat a dragon of minuscule size.
"
"when i ask you to say why you're late,
to explain to your own dearest mate,
you pretend not to hear my
fair questions. it's clear why
you evade them: you had a hot date!
"
"what goes on in her head ? is it art?
installations are something apart
from tradition, it's said,
but her stained, unmade bed,
tracey emin said, came from the heart.
"
"heavy breathing? a shocking assertion!
i'm panting from recent exertion.
when i run up the stairs,
all the effort impairs
steady breathing: no phone-call perversion!
"
"if you're planning to swim in the sea,
it's important to stay close to me,
but, especially important,
you know that you oughtn't
to swim where the sharks eat their tea.
"
"while all lilies are showy outside,
easter lilies, as white as a bride,
on the altar in church
where, at easter, they perch,
are the blooms that recall those who've died.
"
"what exactly, precisely, was said,
when you found grandma sitting in bed;
after you'd said her eyes
were of prominent size . . .?
verbatim, please, little miss red.
"
"my extremities all have turned blue,
my toes and my fingertips, too.
they're so far from the fire
of my heart, they'll expire
from exposure. then what'll i do?
"
"if you've not just a drop ? something more
like a gallon ? of water to pour,
then you don't want a jug
that's as small as a mug;
that's what bigger jugs, ewers, are for.
"
"a chicken once asked herself, ""why
am i crossing the road? i could die
without ever knowing
wherefore i am going
to get to the other road si?""
"
"though, of course, i have talents galore,
people tend to attribute yet more,
so they think i could be
poet laureate ? me! ?
when my rhymes are exceedingly weak.
"
"you elucidate, that's what you do:
you shed light, where i haven't a clue.
an elucidator's neat;
sorts the chaff from the wheat
and untangles confusion: that's you.
"
"not my fault, though it's i who gets blamed
for the bathroom's bad smell: i'm ashamed.
and the cause of the stink?
enteritis, i think;
my intestine ? the small one's ? inflamed.
"
"lorna doone, madame bovary or
perhaps oliver twist; there are more
famous heroes whose names
each one's story proclaims
with eponymous titles galore.
"
"susie phelps so encouragingly winks,
egging on old lord thomas, who thinks
she admires him. not her;
a mistake ? i refer
to the fact that she teases: the minx!
"
"does a mayfly, who lives but one day,
find life sweet in ephemeral play?
a bare dot on life's page,
it won't plan for old age
in its blink-and-you-miss-it-all stay.
"
"to enumerate all of the ways
that liz loved, she eschewed any praise
of her darling, but counted
in verse what amounted
to listing the 'hows' of her craze.
"
"shouts a furious rain-sodden cloud
to the sun, ""i intend to enshroud
all those people down under;
they'll soon hear me thunder
that sunlight's no longer allowed.""
"
"may i whisper a word in your ear,
such that no-one can (ssh!) overhear?
well, between me and you,
i say, just entre nous,
your silk undies are showing, my dear.
"
"rosie phelps has an ancestor, clare ?
thought she lived in a zoo ? a wild bear!
this sad mental complaint
had been caused by constraint
of the jacket they forced her to wear.
"
"though they hardly endanger my life,
i find paper-cuts cause me great strife.
like a grass-blade ? that too
can cut deep ? though it's true
they can't kill like the blade of a knife.
"
"""keep your thumbs out of pies, young jack horner.
if you're naughty, you'll stand in the corner.""
not a major deterrent
for one who is errant;
misbehaviour should leave one forlorner.
"
"mugs of builder's tea workmen will swill
and for several hot cuppas they'd kill.
""milk and sugar ? one lump,
so my workers don't slump,""
says the boss, ""then they'll work with a will.""
"
"said the toddler, i've thinked and i've thinked
what made dinosaurs quite so extinct.
p'raps they fought to the death;
breathed their species' last breath,
and then into the sea they all sinked.
"
"alice phelps is excessively kind.
she will go extra miles just to find
the most succulent figs
to feed to her pigs;
she's immoderately out of her mind.
"
"boasted sammy the snake, ""for first course-o,
i know i could eat a whole horse-o.""
""don't exaggerate, sam;
that's too much,"" said his mam.
but not so: it's now horse-shaped, sam's torso!
"
"dog agility ? what a display!
each dog's tail's wagging madly to say,
""we all find it such fun
to jump, seesaw and run.""
every dog, as they say, has its day.
"
"i don't wish to encroach on your me time,
which, in turn, is my own let-you-be time,
but i've made a fresh brew
that i can't leave to stew
so i distantly mention it's teatime.
"
"all his books lie unopened, unread.
he's disruptive in class, and it's said,
to avoid more confusion,
they're talking exclusion;
""keep out!"" they have told the new head.
"
"now king arthur, he never got bored,
as with knights round the table he jawed,
but, make no mistake,
his best friend, from the lake,
was excalibur: one magic sword.
"
"she'd examined her heart about men;
asked herself how she felt, and again
and again, she had found
both her feet on the ground,
until ben. he scored ten out of ten.
"
"elementarily learning his letters,
johnnie hopes he'll soon read like his betters.
though his steps may be small,
they'll scale ignorance wall
and escape those illiteracy-fetters.
"
"i am finding it all rather harrowing
to be dunnocked when once i was sparrowing!
a hedge sparrow, me,
in a hedge or a tree;
but my family tree ? that one is narrowing.
"
"years of saving meant i could afford
a passport and suitcase ? oh lord!
such enablement for
a poor stay-at-home bore
who could suddenly travel abroad!
"
"they're eliminative are these games:
children's musical chairs, and such names
as musical bumps
or statues; the chumps
forced to quit feel the lamest of lames.
"
"you mean everything, darling, to me.
you're my living and breathing; you're key
to the whole of my life;
you're my all; you're my wife:
yes, you really are my cup of tea.
"
"debbie's son is an astronaut, who
achieved more than she thought he would do.
all of debbie's relations
exceed expectations;
her sister is seven foot two!
"
"as a child, alexander recalls,
he so liked to suck aniseed balls.
they were little and round
and a seed could be found
in the centre of sugary walls.
"
"at buckingham palace the queen
lives in luxury, as may be seen
by the number of guards
and horses, and yards
and yards of red carpet: all clean!
"
"this young excavator digs with her hands,
but she only digs soft seaside sands.
not mechanical, she
is a toddler, aged three;
as for holes, those she well understands.
"
"said the eyewitness, high on the face,
and her partner, around the same place:
we've been watching the nose
and the hand come to blows.
did we see any blood? not a trace.
"
"if our arteries, muscle and bone
hurt so much that the pain makes us moan,
could it be arteritis,
a disease that will fight us,
attacking ourselves on our own?
"
"in summertime, week after week,
i see barbecue spelt as bar-beque
or, for short, bbq
(that will just about do):
why can't people write as they speak?
"
"academics who hunger and thirst
for knowledge, in study immersed,
and who tend to excel
in two subjects, as well,
gain twin top-notch degrees: double first.
"
"his heart stopped and his lips became blue.
no breath on the glass: a good clue.
no pulse. ""he is dead ?
and stone cold,"" the doc said,
as he signed the certificate. true!
"
"will you sort them by brand or by ply
or by colour, the lot of the dye,
or by whence they're imported?
once congruously sorted,
these yarns can be stored. wool you try?
"
"i'm defining what's not anapestic.
it's a term you should know: it's domestic
plus animal ? that's
household doggies or cats;
mostly civilised, sometimes majestic.
"
"they were too tired to walk from the start,
so they sat back to back on a cart.
not easy to chat
on a dog cart like that,
but at least it was safer to fart.
"
"she gives herself such a hard kick
every time the daft girl drops a brick.
there is none quite so blind
as a fool who will find,
without fail, the wrong end of a stick.
"
"proudwing phelps was a druid who'd boast
that his neighbour would soon become toast.
proudwing's pagan old soul
would live on, new and whole,
if, to sacrificed friends, he played host.
"
"joe's a drip, though he looks quite a dish.
you'd think him engaging. (i wish!)
he's a train-spotting geek,
feeble-minded and weak,
and his handshake is like a wet fish.
"
"look again: that poor man must be tired.
unlike me, he seems quite uninspired
by the sea ? so exciting,
refreshing, inviting.
oh, dear! the man's dead: he's expired.
"
"'breathe in,' said my doctor. i did.
'and again!' as his stethoscope slid.
with exhale left unsaid,
i turned blue, and my head
nearly burst till 'breathe out' i was bid.
"
"e.g. is the perfect example
of abridgements in latin: one sample
of phrases we say,
read or write every day.
there are more, but one citing is ample.
"
"though their gene bank endued me with health,
my parents provided no wealth,
so, a cat burglar, i
must amend that, or try,
as i burgle folk's houses with stealth.
"
"english breakfast tea raymond likes best.
it's a blended tea, served in the west.
calls it 'builder's tea', ray does;
drinks it first thing each day. ""does
me good,"" he says, patting his chest.
"
"so, hence, therefore, accordingly, we,
to sound erudite, con-se-quent-ly,
employ ergo today,
thus and therefore, to say,
for this reason (use latin, you see).
"
"travel light is a maxim that's wise,
but a bag of expandable size
means that, should you come back
with more stuff in your pack,
it will stretch to hold holiday buys.
"
"you are lazy and thick, i deduce,
from your feeblest-ever excuse.
did you think i'd accept
any claim so inept
as 'the dog ate my homework'? obtuse!
"
"an exploratory camera's been sent
down his throat's respirational vent
to find out how he's breathing,
but now his wife's seething:
they've lost it, wherever it went.
"
"said glum humpty, ""it's not just my fall,
or the fact i have damaged the wall;
it's the soldiers, the king,
yes, it's every damn thing:
all my life's in a mess ? i mean, all!""
"
"when the spider invited the fly
in to dine with him, did he mean die?
he meant to entrap her,
entice and then zap her,
that wily old yarn-spinning guy.
"
"for his kindness, his health and good looks;
for his wealth and his love of good books:
this enumerative list
counts the ways, i insist,
that my lover's the best. (plus, he cooks.)
"
"eddie enviously looks at jill's curls.
tied in ribbons, they bounce as she twirls.
eddie's hair is dead straight,
unlike him. ""how i hate
that i'll never be one of the girls.""
"
"they've set up their homes on its hide,
these barnacles, hitching a ride
on a walrus at sea.
glued as tight as can be,
they're encrusted all over its side.
"
"donna phelps was so enviably thin,
i would stalk her, attempting to win
some advice about diet,
but no joy; she kept quiet
(except when she barfed in the bin).
"
"tiny tents, weeny tent-pegs: at dawn
an encampment appears on our lawn.
the intruders advance:
they're an army of ants.
fetch the mower: we'll soon test their brawn.
"
"in the hope that you might just write back,
i'm enclosing some stamps and a pack
of blue notepaper, pen,
and some envelopes, then
you can only say time's what you lack.
"
"heard me swearing? i say! do you mind?
listen carefully, again, and you'll find
it's the mouth of my daughter
needs clean soap and water;
for a girl she can't half eff and blind!
"
"i need an elastoplast quickly;
the cut on my thumb makes me sickly.
i've not even glanced
but can feel where i lanced
it; the hot blood is sticky and trickly.
"
"she is emptily chanting a prayer,
not believing there's anyone there
who will hear the girl's need,
never mind intercede;
it's a hollow, not hallowed, affair.
"
"since my three-score-and-ten years have ended,
my expiry date's just been amended,
renewable yearly;
don't want to die early.
my life-span's, i hope, long extended.
"
"so the bulk of the text was like this,
the main content no reader could miss.
but the author then wrote
an explanatory note
at the end*.

* like a love-letter's x.
"
"a crab's eyes don't sit close on its head,
but protrude on small stick-things instead.
says he, ""they're my eyestalks.""
or did he say ""my stalks"" ?
or ""his stalks""? what was it he said?
"
"excavators ? what thingumajigs!
pull mechanical levers: each digs.
want a hole for a pool?
these big scoopers are cool;
they'll eat earth like mechanical pigs.
"
"captivator: my kitten's main role.
he will pounce on my feet as i stroll.
then he'll offer his tummy
and purr for his mummy.
his charm's won my heart and my soul.
"
"in this gallery (owners permitting),
i am off to exhibit my knitting.
each sock, for a start,
is a fresh work of art;
my creations, when framed, will be fitting.
"
"my patience you test beyond measure,
my exasp(gasp!)erating wee treasure.
drives me mad how you fiddle
with words in the middle,
adding syllables solely for pleasure.
"
"we're four characters, a, b, c, d.
stage direction declares: ""exit b"".
it's just a, c and me,
until b, back comes he.
then when we leave, it's ""exeunt 3"".
"
"twin actors, whose surname is phelps,
play the weasley twins ? red-headed whelps.
seen the films? ? harry potter?
if you haven't, you've gotta!
read the books first; it magically helps.
"
"i'll occasionally scribe the odd rhyme,
but i don't write them all of the time;
just every now and then,
i'll pick up a pen
and scribble ? it isn't a crime.
"
"fairground rides can excite while they last;
thrown sky-high, watch as chimneys whizz past.
first you part with your money
to ride, then (not funny)
you part with your dinner?and fast!
"
"thinking earnings means 'all that i earn',
i work harder and harder, then learn
it means 'how much i'm paid',
which ain't much; i'm dismayed,
as my bosses have money to burn.
"
"when my husband bakes bread (flat ciabatta),
all the oil means i'm bound to grow fatter.
blame myself or blame him
if i cannot stay slim?
the answer, of course, is the latter.
"
"it is all fait accompli ? in fact
your taxi is booked, and you've packed.
there is no going back;
it's the end of the track.
we won't miss you at work: you are sacked!
"
"though the paintwork is fresh, white and new,
detractingly, not so the blue
velvet curtains, which, faded
and shabby, degraded,
take away from the decor, it's true.
"
"you keep washing your hands as you cry,
""out, damn spot!"" and uneasily sigh.
after poor duncan's death,
wicked lady macbeth,
your disquietude leads you awry.
"
"he stays tranquil, with effortless grace;
keeps a calm, placid look on his face:
the man's equability
implies a stability
of mood, irrespective of place.
"
"an exalted position is mine,
sitting up in the gods on cloud nine.
i am lifted up high
and i cannot deny
in the happiness grades, i'm divine.
"
"the man holds his breath as he waits
while his wife checks her diary: the dates
all add up ? so they hope
(they're on pins, but they'll cope) ?
they're expectant. her belly inflates.
"
"the exemption i have suits my wishes:
i'm allowed not to wash any dishes,
as detergent ? one splash ?
brings me out in a rash.
i'm relieved from all sploshes and splishes.
"
"i'm a failure, unworthy and bad ?
but if self-deprecation is sad,
then i offer a prayer,
hoping god might be there
to avert those who'd render me mad.
"
"there is one angle grinder i'll use
to rub and to polish. i choose
this abrasive-type disc
that spins round like a whisk,
but it's metal it works on, not shoes.
"
"a peculiar person, named guy,
had a wild, kinky look in his eye.
his deviancy showed
every time that he rode
his pink horse, wearing nowt but his tie.
"
"disregardful of all that i say,
you're determined to have your own way.
ok, then ? just do it!
but, one day, you'll rue it.
not heeding my word means you'll pay.
"
"since the lad started calling us names,
we all plan to debag sad old james.
his manner arouses
a yen for his trousers'
removal ? put paid to his games!
"
"i know a young scoundrel from hove,
who is such a dislikeable cove.
his manner is mean.
he's as sour, at sixteen,
as the lemons that grow in the grove.
"
"it's red and it's rhombic ? a beaut!
two angles obtuse; two acute.
not a club or a heart,
nor a spade: for its part,
it's a diamond, a playing-card suit.
"
"pressed too hard, and i've broken the chalk.
it's white dust. i can't write. i must talk.
but i'm falling apart.
like the chalk at the start,
i disintegrate; crumbled, i balk.
"
"rather rough are these jokes on the ear;
they are best told by blokes drinking beer.
they're indelicate, rude,
and lasciviously lewd:
dirty jokes aren't for prim folks to hear.
"
"there was a young woman called emma,
who found that she faced a dilemma:
should she marry for money
or stay poor with her honey?
either way, there'd be those who'd condemn 'er.
"
"for better, for worse will you stay?
in sickness and health day by day?
do i have your assurance
you have such endurance
for ever, for ever and ay?
"
"this magician's enthrallingly clever.
that girl in the box he will sever
in two with his blade,
then restore the young maid.
i'm bewitched; i could watch him for ever.
"
"ranger rick is exceptionally bright.
when he thinks, his head glows like a light.
so when it turns dark,
he lights up the park
by solving equations all night.
"
"someone tickles her toes. no-one there!
now small fingers are pulling her hair.
does her child behave selfishly?
no ? rather elfishly;
he's a mischievous child, so beware!
"
"i play truant; some say i'm a fool
to bunk off, but i like skipping school.
and it's worth cutting class
to spend time with this lass:
she plays hooky like i do. she's cool.
"
"the high cliff is eroded ? we all,
every minute, expect a fresh fall.
if you walk by the cliff
you could end up as stiff
as this ground-tearing sea breeze . . . your call!
"
"with nostalgic old costumes we're smitten,
'40s hairstyles, and songs that were written
to bolster the nation:
a strong evocation
of the second world war in great britain.
"
"california fuchsia / zauschneria
(no matter which name is superior)
blooms orangey-red,
in a hot, sunny bed,
so it won't do too well in siberia!
"
"if you saw some, you'd soon be admitting
there's no beating my mother's fine knitting.
in the evenness stakes,
my mum has what it takes
to knit smoothly: no yarn-fibre splitting.
"
"in a dictionary words can be found.
some are etymologically sound,
where their authors write pages
of ages and stages
and roots of the words they propound.
"
"i'm completely dependent on you,
handsome prince, dear, to bring me my shoe ?
the one that i lost,
to my chagrin and cost,
when my coach turned to pumpkin: boo-hoo!
"
"tomatoes with fresh coriander
proved a favourite with young alexander.
the warm, nutty spice
he found ever so nice,
quite unlike his bamboo: funny panda!
"
"two men drowning, a friend and one other:
the son of my father and mother.
blood is thicker than water,
and i am their daughter ?
the lifebelt i throw to my brother.
"
"when words are distorted on screen,
only human eyes read what they mean.
computers can't tell
what the squiggles all spell,
but we people can type what we've seen.
"
"""my bride!"" cried good robin, with glee,
""is maid marian, fair as can be!
friar tuck, i'd like you
to marry us two.""
said the monk, ""no, i'm celibate, me!""
"
"it wasn't the best way to break
such sad news: an enormous mistake!
as she thought of her honey,
her eyes went all runny.
and no-one turned up at the wake.
"
"this pink bog rose ? i picked it for you
(makes it orchid to sit on the loo,
but that's where it's left!)
so's you won't feel bereft
when i'm gone ? and it brightens your poo.
"
"mrs smith, johnny's wife, sat and waited.
her husband was late. she debated
what she ought to do next,
when his friend sent a text:
""widow smith, we are all devastated!""
"
"the gurgle we hear is no joke,
it's a sign that we're losing this bloke.
his clickety breath
hints at imminent death:
to the tune of this rattle he'll croak.
"
"this hot chocolate's deliciously sweet;
i could bathe in its cocoa-y heat.
my taste buds all beg
i drink every last dreg.
yes, hot chocolate's a taste you can't beat.
"
"double figures, i find, i incline
to think of as those over nine:
ninety-nine down to ten,
but then, think again;
in binary 'two' would fit fine.
"
"father time has a scythe in one hand,
and an hourglass ? he watches the sand,
how it measures time pass
as it flows down the glass.
past and future obey his command.
"
"if the number of creatures alive
were to grow by a factor of five,
there would be five times more
than existed before
and i wonder how many'd survive?
"
"'the dog in the manger' was fun;
and the tale of 'the wind and the sun':
greek slave aesop was able
to tell a fine fable:
a story and moral in one.
"
"disappropriate my trusty knife
on the grounds that this might save a life?
i shall never surrender
my faithful breath-ender
till i've buried it deep in my wife.
"
"i  know nothing. i know sweet fa.
you can torture me, day after day.
you can poke me and grill me
and threaten to kill me,
i have sweet fanny adams to say.
"
"he cut one length of wood with a wee saw,
then he balanced it carefully till he saw
it was evenly pois?d
so equal-sized boys'd
equilibrious be, on their seesaw.
"
"in the dairy next door is a charmer,
whose brown cows could not be any calmer.
her voice is like silk
as she harvests their milk;
she's a kind and a competent farmer.
"
"as the man stands in court in the dock,
the judge is soon handed a clock:
it stopped dead at the time
of the dastardly crime.
it's exhibit b now. (a's a wok!)
"
"sally's got herself into a state
as she wants to be fashionably late.
it's a bit of a game
to fit time-frames ? her aim:
to be just that bit late through the gate.
"
"to describe our house, where do i start ?
with the leak in the roof, or the part
where the stairs have dry rot
and the floorboards are shot?
it is crumbling and falling apart.
"
"extend- (with no end) type ability,
adding scope, stretching time ? such facility
provides means to refine
and improve a design ?
allows space for more mental agility.
"
"""twelve inches! and i am no fool ?
that is,"" said the bishop, ""quite cool.""
""but, unless i'm misled,""
the young actress then said,
""you don't use that old thing as a rule?""
"
"when not punching his foe in the ring,
this heavyweight boxer will sing
and dance in a tutu,
and lisp, ""please will you, too?""
effeminately stroking his bling.
"
"""fallen arches! perhaps i might die!""
cried sir oliver pilkington-pie.
""you don't die of flat feet,""
said his friend, doctor sweet,
""but your instep is not very high.""
"
"once upon ... long ago ... one fine day ...
an enchanted princess ... far away ...
so these fairy tales start
reaching into the heart
of small children and, magically, stay.
"
"fred was fatally drawn to the cliff,
with no thoughts in his head of what if...?
he ran straight off the edge
with a last muttered pledge
to see what lay beyond. now he's stiff.
"
"a young heir to the throne she must bring,
as her father-in-law is the king.
she must make the man glad,
cinder's new husband's dad,
that their marriage is more than a fling.
"
"i'll fall in with your plans, i don't mind.
i'm a go-with-the-flow girl, the kind
who follows the crowd.
if it's legal, i'm proud
to fit in. does it help that i'm blind?
"
"he has fallen in love with her, yet
the young pin-up he never has met.
for one thing, she's wed;
for another, she's dead.
does he sleep with her picture? you bet!
"
"poor narcissus has fallen in love
with a face that could be his twin bruv.
he's no more on the shelf
since he fell for himself.
send him flowers, pink hearts and a dove.
"
"having scribbled my twentieth draft,
i then penned a fair copy with craft.
final scripts look a treat
when the handwriting's neat.
presentation is worth extra graft.
"
"fair maiden was never yet won
by faintheartedness, no, no, my son!
and i'd like what i saw
as my daughter-in-law,
so be bold; take a hold, and have fun.
"
"chased downstairs with great humour, he tripped;
caught his sleeve on a hook and it ripped.
then this farcical chase
left him red in the face
when his trousers were, somehow, unzipped.
"
"devon violets (they're sweet violets, too)
grow quite close to the ground, purple-blue.
they have such a sweet scent
that, forever, i'm bent
so's my nose is opposed to my shoe.
"
"""i-i'm sorry. perhaps the word's spread?
you've not heard? then it has be said ...
it's not easy, b-but ...""
she falteringly stut-
tered, ""i'm sad to t-tell you ? he's dead.""
"
"spread fresh butter on slices of bread
(the bread may be stale when it's spread),
add dried fruit and an egg
mixed in milk ? waste no dreg:
bread and butter makes pudding. you're fed.
"
"it's a fanciful notion, i know,
imagining noses that grow.
politicians' for starters,
(i'd have their guts for garters!);
as soon as they lied, it would show.
"
"firstborn johnny's the one she loves best,
head and shoulders above all the rest.
he's her favourite son,
the most cherished ? the one
that she'll never throw out of the nest.
"
"i could do with a small saving-space towel.
this big bath sheet's a quite-out-of-place towel.
my muscles are strained
and my energy's drained.
it's too big for my hands ? where's my face towel?
"
"""que sera,"" i sang out. ""so it goes.
what will be, we can't change, heaven knows!""
fatalistic, i said,
""don't we all wind up dead?
our whole life's predetermined, i s'pose.""
"
"my message, your majesty, ma'am, be
i could never go hurting no bambi.
how you royals can shoot
fallow deer...? they be cute.
but i 'spect i must seem namby-pamby.
"
"in a club meant for those who love arts
and handicrafts, working from charts
at embroidery or knitting,
one faction is quitting:
a contingent of fumbling old farts.
"
"first, the flowers, then the chocs and new dress,
billets-doux in the post ? i confess
it all falls into place
(the soft look on your face) ?
these are signs you're in love with me, yes?
"
"it is only a fashion, a fad,
all the rage, sending fans slightly mad.
first it come-comes, then go-goes,
this passion for yoyos.
as crazes go, this one's not bad.
"
"foolish flora fell in with some thieves,
who had banknotes and guns up their sleeves.
""i shall hang with your gang.
i'll pick pockets or bang!
i know no-one stays living who leaves.""
"
"i'm no model of  vests for old dears,
or of glasses that show off my ears.
no, my absolute passion
is modelling fashion
(and the airbrush will knock off ten years).
"
"""you're exasperatingly late!""
moaned the wife to her tardy old mate.
""i've been waiting for nearly
an hour and i clearly
grow maddened and vexed while i wait.""
"
"coronation street: long-running ""soap"" ?
tv addicts, without it, can't cope.
they'd be really sorry
to miss parts of corrie
but ""catch-ups"" give reason for hope.
"
"though it's not comme il faut, i am sure,
for our rendezvous you're my amour.
but, pardon my franglais,
it's bound to go wronglais,
when your husband kicks moi out the door.
"
"the fall? when the leaves drop from trees?
or when lucifer snaked round eve's knees?
are you talking of autumn
or the time when god caught 'em,
those lovers, set up to displease?
"
"when adam met eve was it autumn?
it was love at first sight till god caught 'em
donning fig leaves an' all;
yes, i'm sure 'twas the fall,
cos the apples were ripe when eve sought 'em.
"
"oh, the fairground's a fun place ? here's why:
each will feature a coconut shy
where the prize is a goldfish.
although not an old fish,
before it gets home it may die.
"
"sir john falstaff led prince hal astray,
was a coward and cheat ? but, i pray,
on this man don't be hard;
'twas the pen of the bard
that had writ him thus, all in fair play.
"
"faint straight lines crossing every blank page
of an exercise book help us gauge
where to write nice and neatly.
the teacher says sweetly,
""that's helpful whatever your age.""
"
"""our father in heaven"", they say,
when, as siblings of jesus, they pray.
christ's father is theirs,
so their innocent prayers
are from child to creator each day.
"
"i'm so hungry, i'm famished. of course,
i could chomp that proverbial horse.
i have never been so
extra-peckish. you know
i'd eat you and show little remorse.
"
"no, a dog violet isn't a hound.
it's a bloom that grows close to the ground.
it is scentless and blue;
which is halfway like you ?
showers do cheer one up, i have found!
"
"one is blonde, one's brunette ? i can't choose.
i love both girls the same. i refuse
to drop one or the other.
same goes for their mother.
the girls are my daughters ? fair dos!
"
"seems i'm shirking, so slow baling hay,
but the farmer says, ""no, that's fair play.
it's a back-breaking feat
in this terrible heat.
and rome wasn't built in a day.""
"
"""please may i,"" mum taught me to say,
""be excused?"" on my very first day
starting school, as she knew
i might well need the loo.
oh, my home seemed a long way away!
"
"jill's euphonious voice in a trill
almost sings out her words till they spill
sweet and soft in jack's ear.
they're so pleasing to hear,
he records them. she'll send him a bill.
"
"though the housing estate is complete,
greedy builders decided to cheat:
they squeezed more on the land
than originally planned ?
each house endways, not facing the street.
"
"for years uk plebs have been ruled
by the toffs, landed gentry, once schooled
at the college called eton,
where fags all got beaten
by young future judges who fooled.
"
"i have written this verse just today.
and i'd like it approved straight away,
you must workshop it now!
if you don't then i vow
there won't half be the devil to pay!
"
"he is erudite. he's one of those
whose learning and scholarship shows.
it's apparent in how
he corrects me. and now
do you see why he gets up my nose?
"
"sally phelps is exotically dressed
in fluorescent pink stripes. you're impressed?
oh, if only you knew
she wears tree froglets, too,
then you would be. (they're inside her vest.)
"
"an 'enquire within' kind of look
on his face makes the man like a book
that's encyclopedic.
(does that sound comedic?)
he's a know-all who's rarely mistook.
"
"certain foods contain substances that
can cause hyperactivity: fat
chance you'll ever sit still
or be calm! eat your fill
if excitability's where you are at.
"
"it exhilarates me when i swim;
makes me happy and fills me with vim.
so i can't understand
that man covered in sand,
looking drowned: there's no vim about him.
"
"tittle-tattle drives me round the bend.
i don't want to fall out with my friend,
but unless she will stop,
close her gossiping shop,
we will quarrel, and friendship will end.
"
"""an inch is equivalent, mum,""
said the child, ""to the width of your thumb.
they amount to the same.""
""is this some kind of game?""
his mum's measured response sounded dumb.
"
"in the morning you're slim and look svelte,
but by teatime french fancies will melt
in your mouth, with their icing
on sponge ? so enticing!
cakes soon make you loosen your belt.
"
"said her great uncle rex, ""you're the fairer sex.
you are not of the male trouser-wearer sex.""
cried the girl, ""you're not wrong.""
so she took off her thong
to reveal with a squeal, ""i'm the barer sex.""
"
"born of sadly enslaved mum and dad,
what hope had that servile young lad?
he would grow up to be,
like his parents, not free.
oh, those days of enslavement were bad.
"
"""been a break-in at number fifteen!""
now the police have arrived at the scene.
(someone dialled 999,
the emergency line).
will the fingerprints show who has been?
"
"on estuarine banks you will find
wading birds of the mud-loving kind.
some dumb people don't think:
they chuck litter. birds sink
in the debris that man leaves behind.
"
"""oh, no, i have broken my arm!""
cried the boy, but he'd come to no harm.
""it is meant to bend here ?
that's your elbow. i fear
you are raising a clear false alarm.""
"
"fatty acids we need, efas
(as essential is part of the phrase),
are like omega 3
and 6, those that we
once called vitamin f in past days.
"
"in their battle fatigues they will dress:
those camouflage clothes they possess.
army uniforms mean
that they're serving their queen
and their country. (it's tiring, i guess.)
"
"on account of some e numbers eaten,
that in foods have been added to sweeten,
i keep jumping about
with a skip and a shout:
my excitableness cannot be beaten.
"
"i am twelve-and-three-quarters, which means
i have practically entered my teens.
i am, near as damn it,
thirteen and so, mam, it
is time i had drainpipe-tight jeans.
"
"of the genus epomis, folk say,
their larvae at first seem like prey,
but they'll bite a frog's throat,
leave it paralysed, note!
then they'll eat it without more delay.
"
"while i'm fancily writing my name,
dodie phelps does (well, almost) the same:
she adds curls to her ps
and draws dogs in her ds,
then, round all, adds a flowery frame.
"
"here's a factual account of my day:
did the ironing, threw rubbish away,
washed the walls and the ceiling ?
all facts and no feeling.
dear diary, there's more i could say ...
"
"i can bet you a pound to a penny
(four farthings, that is, little jenny)
that coins of that ilk
won't dress you in silk
and ermine; you'd need a great many.
"
"when a would-be celeb wants his name
on the lips of the press, and his aim
is for fame, world acclaim,
he alone is to blame
if they then dish the dirt: he's fair game.
"
"people never admit they're unwell.
""how are you?"" ""i am fine."" i can tell
that he's blatantly not;
he is covered in snot
and he's giving off such a bad smell.
"
"when i said, ""go and boil your head!""
it was only facetiously said.
what kind of a man
sticks his head in a pan
of hot water? no wonder you're red!""
"
"when spiders lay eggs, it is true,
their offspring are safe (as were you
in your mother's warm womb)
in a soft, tender room,
called an egg sac, until they break through.
"
"on display among knick-knacks, the vases,
spied by shoppers, brought 'oohs-es' and 'ahs-es'.
in this fancy goods store
we'll buy nice things galore
(not just vases!) for mas-es and pas-es.
"
"saintpaulias are commonly known
as african violets. they're grown
as house plants most often.
their purple blooms soften
a room with their velvety tone.
"
"there's no question a dog-fox has balls.
it's for him that the female fox falls.
he's a male through and through;
does what males mostly do:
hopes a vixen responds to his calls.
"
"the compiler wrote good cryptic clues
for a fathomable crossword. though hugh's
got his head in his hands,
he, at last, understands ?
it's designed to be cracked ? he can't lose.
"
"words and sentences must be grammatical.
i correct how friends speak ? i'm fanatical.
so take care what you say,
even though i'm away ?
i'll keep checking despite my sabbatical.
"
"many kids these days don't know their dad
and are raised by their mum ? good or bad.
children want, more than toys,
father figures. all boys
need such role-models ? every last lad.
"
"hilda's family's far-flung ? widely spread.
there's her son who resides in beck head,
her daughter in thailand,
her aunt in rhode island,
and her husband who lives in the shed.
"
"fair-mindedness ? that is a must
for all judges who aim to be just.
same goes for a marshal;
he must be impartial.
even-handedness wins people's trust.
"
"things to do to help winter nights pass:
knitting mittens falls into this class,
as does drinking hot broth,
or embroidering a cloth,
while imbibing mulled wine by the glass.
"
"extraord- (that's 'outside' more than 'more')
plus inarily (adverb, for sure)
has a length that's unseemly;
i'll stick to extremely
when something fantastic's in store.
"
"food's prepared off the premises, then
rushed out to the retailers when
and where there's a need.
then reheating will speed
up the serving of fast-food. amen!
"
"side by side, pink and orange look flash.
yes, together, these hues cut a dash
(though combining these two's
not what many would choose ?
there are those who'd refuse as they clash).
"
"she wrote an exhortative note
that earnestly urged me to vote
for whoever should sport
the rosette that she thought
the right colour: in this case ? a goat!
"
"hugh's eschewment of all things aesthetic,
made his decor look strangely frenetic.
he spurned all things tasteful
(as 'wicked and wasteful')
for kitsch that appeared unpoetic.
"
"i'm a falconer using my bird,
a trained falcon, to hunt. it's absurd
to think you are my quarry.
he perched on you. sorry.
it's vermin i hunt, not a nerd!
"
"gracie comes through the door and the most
piercing scream meets her ears, as her host,
unaware that a face
pack helps gracie look ace,
sees a white, lathered mask and shrieks, ""ghost!""
"
"since ennoblement made me an earl,
i'm no longer a peasant, a churl.
also, please call me 'lady' ?
no, no ? nothing shady!
just that now i am also a girl.
"
"philip phelps bunked off lectures and missed
several seminars when he was pissed
at the bar with his buddies ?
fell behind with his studies,
read no books, but played poker and whist!
"
"for the ducks who are toothless but feed
on some weed, sucking's all that they need.
seed as feed will prevail
and it, too, cannot fail:
toothless budgies will always succeed.
"
"the evolvement of man ? of mankind,
means we've left the old swamp far behind.
we can breathe using lungs,
speak in multiple tongues,
but our passions are still unrefined.
"
"seeds of dandelions, blown in the air,
are distributable every-damn-where.
although most spread and spawn
in my lovely green lawn,
there is one sprouting roots in my hair.
"
"scrape all flesh off the legs and the wings.
we'll make soup of these chickens and things.
through excarnification
we'll feed a whole nation;
have homeless folk supping like kings.
"
"if for condoms you're willing to pay,
shop for durex within the uk.
but if you're on the game
in brazilia, that name
will bring sticky-tape heading your way.
"
"this ball's three feet wide. i can lie on it.
on my back, arms spread wide, could i fly on it?
an exercise ball
keeps me fit. mustn't fall.
damn, i'm stuck! now i fear i might die on it.
"
"""i fell pregnant,"" the young woman said;
made it sound like she fell out of bed ?
woke, surprised, one fine day
in the family way,
as if choice never entered her head.
"
"shrove tuesday is fat tuesday, too
(from the french mardi gras); it's when you
and i like to eat
lots of pancakes, so sweet,
before days pre-ash wednesday are through.
"
"you're worn out and you're ill. you're in pain.
concentration has gone down the drain.
fallibility now's
at a high. while your brow's
wet with fever, mistakes rule your brain.
"
"if you want to eradicate mould
that clings to the walls, damp and cold,
set fire to the lot.
as the house becomes hot
you'll get rid of the fungus, i'm told.
"
"there's anne, dick and julian ? three
of the fine famous five (cry whoopee!) ?
then, with timmy the dog,
cousin george, the fifth sprog,
who's a tomboy. they're all jolly d!
"
"six months pregnant: the young woman's fear
is her spasms mean birthing-time's near.
but her wise next door neighbour
declares, ""it's false labour.
your muscles are practising, dear.""
"
"now our group has a drummer, we'll make it.
we'll be top of the pops; how we'll shake it!
what ? she can't play the drums?
well then, when the time comes,
she must wave these two drumsticks and fake it.
"
"now these oils are essential ? my wife
says they'll help me relax after strife.
they are soothing and healing.
breathe deeply ? i'm feeling
i'm living the lavender life.
"
"when joan fatefully bit on a bone ?
broke a tooth ? father picked up the phone:
""you'll not fix that with ointment ?
a dentist's appointment
is destined for you, so don't moan.""
"
"all our streets, they are chocka today.
can i cross the road safely? no way!
cars sit bumper to bumper.
i need a pole jumper
to help me avoid more delay.
"
"duty doctors give phone-call advice
when the surgery's closed. if asked twice,
they'll make personal calls
for emergencies ? falls,
clots in veins, and the like. which is nice.
"
"if my heart fails through cardiac arrest,
tilt my head back, then please do your best
(after phoning for aid),
with palms flat, fingers splayed,
to press rhythmically here on my chest.
"
"bea notices dee's sudden switch
from familiarly scratching an itch
on bea's husband's cheek;
dee backs off with a squeak.
but bea's nickname for dee is now bitch.
"
"though your friends have long since tittle-tattled
'bout your cooking skills ? nil! don't get rattled.
don your apron and hat,
and this cool chef's cravat.
armed with knives, and dressed thus, you're embattled.
"
"patient notice says: ""please be aware:
all your calls are recorded. it's fair
to declare it's for training
(we're simply explaining).
such processes show that we care.""
"
"we've no halos, no harps and no wings.
here on earth we've no need for such things.
we farm fields, feel the breeze,
walk our dogs, hear the bees;
from our earthliness human life springs.
"
"in spite of its blubber, who'd know
that a walrus, who lives in the snow,
would sometimes behave
in this way? it will wave
a quick flipper to fan its warm glow.
"
"my home needs a facelift ? it's time
to paint over that old-fashioned lime
with a more subtle hue,
p'raps a soothing sky-blue.
a quick lick of fresh paint looks sublime.
"
"the old fabian society dates
from the late nineteenth century. mates
met in london to plan
ways to help fellow man,
but with no overthrowing of states.
"
"it's so enervative, heat from the sun is!
it exhausts poor outdoor fluffy bunnies.
they grow floppy and weak.
i'm the same ? as i speak,
i can't even think up any funnies.
"
"you can beg, you can plead, you can woo.
and a fat lot of good it will do.
you're a nice enough guy,
and it's not that i'm shy,
but i ain't going nowhere with you.
"
"scoffed after material's fake
is a cryptic clue, not a mistake.
the words fabric plus ate
spell out 'fabricate', mate:
to invent, to devise or to make.
"
"stop extinguishable fires' early games
with a wet towel or blanket. one aims
to spread it on top,
then the burning will stop;
lack of oxygen quenches the flames.
"
"as researchers investigate speed,
sudden stops, and what gadgets we need
to keep humans alive,
they make crash dummies drive:
the least hazardous way to proceed.
"
"make up characters, then add some action,
novel setting and plot ? that's abstraction.
but allowing part-fact
to get in on the act,
real people plus guesswork, is faction.
"
"just what causes your deep fascination
with me? do i sense some flirtation?
can it be my quick wit?
or my beauty? that's it.
there's a smut on my nose? what frustration!
"
"now episcopacy i will research
(to pronounce it makes strong stomachs lurch):
what it means? bishops reign;
those below may complain
they've no see and no say in the church.
"
"nasa's orbiting telescopes' flight
can help bring new planets to light.
though astronomers may
spot false positives, they
are not often mistaken ? they're right.
"
"i'll go all round the houses to say,
in a zigzag, circuitous way ...
(changing focus, i guess?)
oh, excursively, yes ...
""what a nice scarf you're wearing today.""
"
"there was once an experienced diver ?
plunged hundreds of times ? a survivor!
thanks to his expertise
he's now under the seas
and in search, not for gold, but my fiver.
"
"from all heartburn and burping i'm free;
my digestion is perfect, you see.
when i say, for first course
i could eat a damn horse,
that's eupepsia talking, not me!
"
"cyberstores, cybershops are divine:
cybershoppers can buy things online.
they can browse, pick and choose,
while the soles of their shoes
stay unworn. of the times it's a sign!
"
"soap and water and facecloth for you!
yes, a soapy wet flannel will do
if you won't stick your face in
a water-filled basin.
scrub the muck off ? let skin shimmer through.
"
"drawings, diagrammatically sound,
that plot out the lie of the ground
(landscape plans, with no hues,
flat, cross-sectional views),
stir no joy in my soul, i have found.
"
"can i use my own name for a verse
explaining, for better or worse,
love of anagrams, while
i'll perhaps make you smile?
alice spells a dyslexic's damn curse.
"
"said the parson, in order to preface us
for the psalm, ""in paul's letter to ephesus,
the ephesians gained grace
as they gazed on christ's face.
did they hear him, or were they as deaf as us?""
"
"as birds empty seeds from a pot
or joe's finger removes nasal snot;
like a fire-bell's call:
evacuators all.
can you empty your mind and think squat?
"
"london swingers grown old, but still sweet,
will occasionally choose, when they meet,
that same place all a-go-go,
so famous in soho,
cool and cultured ? it's carnaby street.
"
"through familiarisation, tough action
can grow easier, p'raps by a fraction.
you won't harbour false hopes
when you once know the ropes,
as you might in unpractised abstraction.
"
"when three-year-old david is gluing,
he won't notice what others are doing.
tongue sticks out half a yard,
as he concentrates hard.
his engagedness needs no pursuing.
"
"""it's all right for you, on the hoof!
but your bridge is, quite frankly, my roof.
and i've had quite enough!""
""a good point!"" said young gruff
to the troll, ""dat's fair comment, in troof.""
"
"as your edifier, let me instruct you.
with moral advice i'll induct you,
as polonius did
when his son was a kid,
so's no character defects obstruct you.
"
"this movie's fast car-chasing spills
and, around every corner, more thrills
are excitingly leading
to cliff-hanging speeding:
on the edge of our seats the blood chills.
"
"you know one thing that makes my heart sing?
tiny toadstools that grow in a ring!
it's their fairylike quality
fills me with jollity.
look! there's a filigree wing ...
"
"it was cowboys and indians all day
that my brother and i used to play.
with a peg for a gun
we'd have shoot-outs for fun,
the lone ranger and tonto held sway.
"
"""in my fantasy land i am queen,""
said augustus, who never had been
either princess or girl.
with his head in a whirl,
he creatively added, ""queen jean.""
"
"if you're fat and like wenches and beer,
live on gambling and leering good cheer,
you're falstaffian. why?
he's that comical guy
whom the bard's wives of windsor held dear.
"
"i should so like to give you a kiss.
would you kindly facilitate this?
it would be so much easier
(although you'd be freezier)
if that scarf round your face you'd dismiss.
"
"when i was a nipper, my daddy
grew anxious because i was faddy.
i would pick at my food,
and i once even spewed;
make me eat and i'd soon throw a paddy.
"
"i'm extemporarily making a bed
on the sofa, to rest my poor head.
i will use what's to hand,
cos this bed isn't planned;
i'm just desperate to grab a quick zed.
"
"execute (i can do it) -ability
may require some degree of agility,
be it mental (where thinking
prevails) or when linking
to action: i-can-and-i-will-ity!
"
"i'll fast-forward recordings on-screen,
through the adverts (no need to be seen),
but i then overshoot,
so i have to reboot;
can't rewind on this ancient machine.
"
"if it's all about you, it's your fact file.
mine's a less-than-precise inexact file:
says i'm young and i'm pretty,
i'm clever and witty.
(did you think i'd create a detract file?)
"
"does your brushwork go wild, bold and bright?
your reds redder than red? bluer white?
do you paint like derain
or matisse, who began
that new fauvism style? pure delight!
"
"""can't begin to conceive how they made it,
cut from tough, solid stone. have you weighed it?""
i'd say, ""excellently's how.
hear those critics cry, 'wow!'?
it's perfection. that's why they displayed it.""
"
"like dough over-risen, my face
hangs in folds. it's cosmetic, this case.
send for surgeons. make speed.
it's a scalpel i need,
as a face-lift puts all back in place.
"
"exanimation: ""a misprint for test""?
not at all! then, ""when life lacks all zest""?
well, that is partly right ?
when life's day's more like night:
""deprivation of life"" says it best.
"
"wheresoever i go i discern
your ill presence close by. will you learn
you are emulative of a
keen bee, as you hover?
buzz off now ? and please don't return!
"
"for this equal opportunity post
please apply: wanted ? tall, macho ghost.
you're a one-legged fairy
with green skin, and hairy?
we will interview all, that's our boast!
"
"the third deepest in all the world round
of all natural harbours is found
in fair falmouth, a town
of old cornish renown:
for both sailing and filming it's sound.
"
"said a time-traveller geek to a king,
""executable  script is the thing:
i'll write code to end lives
of unwanted old wives ...""
""please install it ? i'll have a new fling.""
"
"earth's atmosphere's breathable near
to the surface, but thinner out here
through the tropo-, the strato-,
the meso- and that, oh ?
the thermo- and, last, exosphere.
"
"so much depends, wrote the poet,
upon a red ... barrow. (you know it?)
readers held in suspense
will rely, to make sense
of the words, on the author to show it.
"
"i'm amassing a fortune in rent
from retired profs (each a rich gent).
my old boffin lodgers
i call coffin dodgers,
cos they oughta be dead, but they 'en't!
"
"pick your socks off the floor, messy guys.
when you pee, close the door ? spare my eyes!
it's not just a wife
who trains men in this life.
(a domesticator's word to the wise.)
"
"eyes forward and hands behind back.
don't speak till you're spoken to. crack
no jokes. give a bow.
shake hands lightly, and now
i've familiarised you, we're on track.
"
"when little bo peep lost her sheep,
she said to herself, ""i must keep
on looking."" 'ere long,
home they came ? what a pong!
and so dag-tailed, it made miss peep weep.
"
"comes to eating, i'll pounce on each crumb!
second helpings are simply ? yum, yum!
as i grow ever plumper
they're calling me ""bumper"";
a self-fatner is what i've become.
"
"encircling, like folds of a skirt,
my love shall engirt you, dear gert.
my esteem shall surround you,
encompass the ground you
will walk on, arms round you. love, bert.
"
"there was an old man who liked gurning.
he pulled faces in public, thus earning
a nice tidy sum.
fascinatingly, mum
has intrigued us since she started learning.
"
"from a faintish pink glow in the east,
weak and pale, now the colour's increased
to a deepening rose.
i can only suppose
it is dawn (my returning pet beast).
"
"with my parachute on, i'm not happy.
i'm nervous, upset and feel crappy.
i was told in advance
i'd not need my brown pants,
but i'm bricking it! (give me a nappy.)
"
"when a white ring appears round the moon,
say predictors of weather, ""rain soon!""
lots of tiny ice cryst-
als create a white mist;
light, refracted, enhalos la lune.
"
"though our newborn is steadily keeping
an equalised balance of sleeping
and hours spent awake,
by some foolish mistake
it's the twelve hours at night she spends weeping.
"
"some astronomers think that there are
planets seemingly passing some star.
but until they are viewed
several times, they're construed
as just candidate planets so far.
"
"oh, the agony felt when you left!
excruciation! alone and bereft,
how can i explain?
like a sharp, acute pain:
just imagine my heart with a cleft.
"
"you're too full for plum pudding as sweet?
but our savoury meal's incomplete
without something quite small;
a bonne bouche, that is all:
top it off with a dainty, wee treat.
"
"""i demand a fair hearing,"" cried sarah.
said the judge, ""than a jury, what's fairer?""
""i'm accused of the crime
that i think dogs sublime,
and ten cats form the jury! ? some error?""
"
"information for patients: please take
a leaflet. they're free. they will make
you believe there is not
one disease you've not got:
you will count up your symptoms and quake.
"
"with your pillow you restlessly fight,
and your fancifulness in the night
makes you wake up with screams.
now you tell me your dreams'
florid, intricate symbols cause fright.
"
"indecent is what they suggest,
but i'm innocent ? that i protest!
why should neighbors grow tense
when i hose down their fence?
on false charges i'm under arrest.
"
"hurt like hell when i stepped on that pin!
(on the sole of my foot skin is thin).
pain was excru-(ooh-ow)-
ciating ? and how!
now it throbs, does that hole in my skin.
"
"""a crosspiece is not someone cross ?
not a crosspatch,"" explained johnny's boss,
who's a builder by trade.
as he spoke, johnny made
sure that beam was well cleaned free of moss.
"
"doesn't matter that i've arrived late;
there's a six-patient backup. i'll wait
in the waiting-room for
ninety minutes or more ?
so predictable! waiting's my fate.
"
"her health report's factually right:
healthy heart. lucid mind. perfect sight.
isn't deaf. can still walk.
tick each box. (she won't talk
of her loneliness; that is her plight.)
"
"as i'm flipping between and betwixt,
i find switches seem faultily fixed.
when i press a switch down,
lights go off, so i frown.
seems the ons and the offs are up-mixed.
"
"i'll accept lots of help if it speeds up
the digging of thistles and weeds up.
this expeditive measure
would give me more leisure
(as long as they don't pull my seeds up).
"
"""a man in a wide-brimmed fedora
cannot be ignored,"" said aunt laura.
and she ought to know
as she married her beau,
who had worn one to woo his se?ora.
"
"this old lane was a path, pure and plain,
and exposed to the sky, sun or rain.
but then curved branches spread
like a roof overhead,
enarching what's now 'lovers lane'.
"
"""it's felicitous you should wear white,""
the grim reaper declared, one dark night,
""for your suit is your shroud.""
the man, briefly, looked proud,
just before he dropped dead of pure fright.
"
"my felted hat made its escape
in strong winds that blew straight off the cape.
in a puddle it landed
and, if i am candid,
i admit it's now quite the wrong shape.
"
"his fewness of friends was so sad ?
such a likable, trustworthy lad!
but when he walked fido
his loneliness died ? oh
how dog-lovers grow doggie-mad!
"
"i shall stuff my fat face like a beast,
fill my belly twice over at least.
i shall eat till i'm moaning.
the table is groaning:
nine courses! i call that a feast.
"
"the entrance hall ? half the ground floor ?
is so large i'd quite like to explore
where its corridors lead,
or that staircase, indeed:
spacious welcome inside that front door!
"
"sally's temperature's soaring, and how!
beads of sweat lie like pearls on her brow.
she's so feverish, i
am afraid she might die.
she thinks i'm florence nightingale now!
"
"said a fecund young filly from france,
""many lovers have pulled down my pants.
i've had triplets and twins,
and i now expect quins.
i'm too fertile: the price of romance!""
"
"this is farmable land: we can till it.
fertile earth we can plough and then fill it
with grain in the fields,
and see what it yields,
such as wheat, barley, oats, rye or millet.
"
"she farms them both out willy nilly,
her two children, young arthur and billy.
she will send them away
to her neighbours to play.
they are rarely at home, which is silly.
"
"quite determined to be an mp,
""i shall will this election,"" said she.
""i'll face down my detractors,
confront them with factors
that force them to vote just for me.""
"
"though their host poured the tea, filled each cup,
his expected guests never turned up.
after some time he said,
""i'll assume they've dropped dead;
i can't wait any longer to sup.""
"
"arthur askey rose quickly to fame.
known as 'big-hearted arthur', this name
showed the brits' admiration
for the comic. quotation:
""hello playmates!"" his catchphrase became.
"
"equidistantly spaced are two roses ?
each a stride from the door. mum supposes
dad gets up every night
just to water his white,
so's her red rose it always outgrowses.
"
"this painting's called 'walrus on ice'.
it's done in acrylics ? they're nice:
neither thick, nor yet trickly,
they dry pretty quickly,
and colours mix well in a trice.
"
"grandma threw grandpa's shirts all away,
as their cuffs were beginning to fray,
and the collars as well.
now he's giving her hell ?
poor old girl has the devil to pay!
"
"electronically storing my name
and address? well, for both it's the same:
you must state your intent
or the law will prevent
you. ain't data protection a shame!
"
"""embryoniform stones from the shore ?
what on earth are you keeping them for?""
""they reside on the shelf,
as they look like yourself
in my womb before birth. nothing more.""
"
"these paintings of nudes, understand,
are not porn and they shouldn't be banned.
while erotica teases,
it tastefully pleases.
curators retain the whip hand.
"
"equalitarian ? that's what i am.
black, white, yellow ? i don't give a damn.
young or old, boy or girl,
with straight hair or a curl:
all the same in my book, yes sir/ma'am.
"
"it's a dismal and favourless day,
unpropitious in every last way.
we've said raining is banned,
as a barbecue's planned.
but clouds threaten, be that as it may.
"
"first one hand goes 'cl' and then ? zap!
its partner moves in with an 'ap'.
as the two hands collide,
they bounce back, then decide
to repeat their collision: clap, clap.
"
"for climbing uphill there's no quick trick
but it helps if you lean on a thick stick.
if you have the desire
to rise higher and higher,
you should stop halfway up for a picnic.
"
"i expect an expectorant will
clear the phlegm from my lungs, help it spill
up and into my mouth
till i spit it down south.
guess just how many buckets i'll fill...!
"
"lovely faceted diamond, so pretty,
i'll compose you an ode or a ditty:
bright multi-faced gemstone,
whom none can condemn?stone
that's not mine to own, more's the pity.
"
"the officers gathered, insisting,
""these manoeuvres could help with enlisting:
pick some sexy recruits,
and we'll soon fill our boots ?
joining forces for cool coexisting!""
"
"harry corbett, with glove puppets, gave
life to sooty, who wouldn't behave,
and to sweep, sooty's friend.
tricks went wrong to the end.
sooty's wand spelled disaster, each wave.
"
"""you'll reveal all your thoughts when you drink,
so i'll ply you with wine,"" said the shrink,
""and it might well produce a
tongue just that bit looser,
and then i'll find out what you think.""
"
"i shall fight tooth and nail for promotion.
i shall work day and night; such devotion
will secure my position
and clear competition
(in whose coffees i'll pour poison potion).
"
"in fairies you do not believe?
oh, fie! (mock dismay) ? but perceive
fairies under my trees,
where they dance, if you please,
in the spiders' thread dresses they weave.
"
"on a perch stood two parrots. one said,
""can you smell something fishy? and dead?
""yes, the smell is expanding
from where we are standing.
something's fishy about where we tread!""
"
"elizabeth phelps, known as lizzy,
effervesces ? you might call her fizzy.
her persona so bubbles,
you'll forget all your troubles.
she's an airhead, she's blonde and she's dizzy.
"
"after sex some folk smoke cigarettes.
but eve, lest the reader forgets,
donned a modest green fig leaf,
""a rather too big leaf,""
moaned adam. (they wore matching sets.)
"
"when bright felt tips arrived on the scene,
aged about nine or ten i'd have been:
instant colours like paint!
soon i felt no constraint;
i was nipper-turned-drawing-machine.
"
"it's the fear factor makes him vote b,
although a might be better. you see,
he's quite wary of fracking
(reassurance is lacking),
and a says to that she'll agree.
"
"""chinese holly (or ilex cornuta)
has sleek leaves made that little bit cuter
by sharp little thorns
pointing skywards, like horns,""
wrote miss wong on her laptop computer.
"
"""live in parliament's on the tv.
they're debating, and soon i will see
who speaks sense."" ""no, it's rot.
boring nonsense, the lot!
it's all blah blah ? more blah blah ? to me.""
"
"i'm a failed taxidermist, it's true.
my stuffed sparrow resembled a shrew.
my attempt to stuff sheep
formed a weird woolly heap,
a disaster, and nothing like ewe.
"
"count the fingers you have on one hand
(that's including your thumb, understand).
if you stroke with all five,
then you might just contrive
to draw musical staves in the sand.
"
"""i've got lost ? oh, i am in a jam,
since i can't figure out where i am!
might i ask you two chaps
if you understand maps?""
""nous ne comprenons pas, ch?re madame!""
"
"my financial adviser said, ""celia,
your investments aren't wise, and i feel ya
will lose hand over fist;
call it quits or insist
that it's good hands alone that they deal ya!""
"
"sticky hands at the table ? oh gosh!
they could certainly do with a wash.
for a dainty wee finger bowl,
a let-diners-linger bowl,
i'd happily pay extra dosh.
"
"their filial duty's the cause
of years of their lives set on pause.
while they looked after dad
and then mum, they both had
son-and-daughterly love through their chores.
"
"five threes are fifteen, can you doubt it?
ten and five make the same. someone shout it!
add seven to eight
and the answer's ? no, wait! ?
yes, fifteen! there's no way you can flout it.
"
"you're as fierce as a tiger of late.
and your shouting is forceful with hate.
your mood's so severe
that i don't want you here.
as you leave, don't forget: shut the gate.
"
"the ubiquitous dandelion spreads
its delicate seeds to new beds.
at first yellow and bright,
it turns white overnight,
then goes bald, with the smallest of heads.
"
"skim slim stones ? keep them flat, no mistakes;
watch them bounce on the surface of lakes
or a sea that is calm ?
twist your wrist, not your arm.
there, you're playing the game ducks and drakes.
"
"when i'm mildly annoyed, rather vexed,
i'll cry 'fiddlesticks'! but, when perplexed
over spelling, i'm led
to key 'bother' instead
on my smartphone. it's quicker to text.
"
"my festering abscess won't mend.
it's inflamed and of pus there's no end.
where i once had a dimple
i now have a pimple,
disgusting my former best friend.
"
"noble fire brigade, long have you strived
to extinguish wild flames and contrived
from roof top and steeple
to rescue trapped people
(and kittens), so most have survived.
"
"the bird's tail feathers spread in the breeze
through one hundred and eighty degrees.
they look like a fan,
but if that is the plan,
then this poor fan-tailed pigeon could freeze.
"
"""in the top filing cabinet drawer
i store documents, papers galore,
bank statements and bills,
guarantees and some pills ...""
""and some pills? what on earth are they for?""
"
"""adamitical? i am no prude,
but i never parade around nude.""
""no, i wasn't suggesting
that you'd need divesting
before you looked human ? that's rude!""
"
"you may laugh; i accept your derision,
but i've finally made a decision:
yes, at long last (i think),
in the end, i'll wear pink.
or yellow. last minute revision!
"
"my memory's short. i'm a fish.
just to swim and find food is my wish.
i forget ? was i taught
to avoid getting caught?
oh, my memory's short; i'm a ... hmm.
"
"there's a fine line between what is right
and what's wrong, so what might seem polite
enquiries allusive
to health are intrusive
when friendship with someone is slight.
"
"am i truthful? of course not. oh, my!
i tell fibs all the time and that's why
people shout, ""liar, liar!""
then add, ""pants on fire!""
it's true, cross my heart, hope to die!
"
"go and take a long walk, johnny dear,
a long walk off a very short pier!
that's a figure of speech
(it's not literal) to teach
you your presence ain't wanted round here.
"
"fellow poets, i proffer this song
to us all, who together belong
to this group of expressive,
if somewhat obsessive,
creators: the limerick throng.
"
"exhaustability limits your purse.
just suppose that, for better or worse,
gold coins, never ending,
were yours for the spending.
would shopping, then, soon be a curse?
"
"although fresh nettle soup lily loves,
nice thick mitts on her hands lily shoves,
for bare skin, if stung, soon
would grow red and balloon;
she will not pick her nettles but gloves.
"
"i shall bury my bone: i'll embowel it.
then, when the moon's full, i shall howl. it
will remind me to dig,
that bright moon, round and big,
and shed light where it's hid. (mustn't foul it!)
"
"'cause of one rubber end that it lacks,
teacher's walking-stick clickety-clacks.
a new ferrule he needs
for his cane. he concedes
it helps hush up his whackety-thwacks.
"
"the words of the song are appealing
and those high notes you hold reach the ceiling,
yet you sing it so blandly!
try again, but more grandly,
emotionally: once more with feeling!
"
"you've been told that the dormouse is dead?
that's a guess; we can't take it as read.
it's examinable: see ?
check its pulse; let's agree
that we'll analyse closely what's said.
"
"when a fairy story poses as fact,
it's a made-up contrivance to act
as a means of denying
the truth. such wild lying
at last proves the tale inexact.
"
"they are poisonous mushrooms for sure,
death angels. you eat them? the cure
is a liver transplant.
though they taste good, i grant
that you'll quickly regret their allure.
"
"just as light beams shoot out from the sun,
or sprayed water when lettuce is spun,
so my cheery wee boy
will eradiate joy;
he disperses delight and good fun.
"
"when the former miss barker was wed,
she became mrs warren instead.
though no more 'on the shelf',
she's not changed in herself,
so by former do not be misled!
"
"""there's no fireplace inside our new house,""
squeaked the child, a disconsolate mouse.
""and no chimney's akin
to a sign: don't come in
to ol' santa claus."" that was her grouse.
"
"come, dear children... and ...let us away ?
they haunt me, those words, to this day:
the poor merman, bereft,
when his human wife left
them, forsaken, alone in the bay.
"
"when you hear the alarm sound, don't squeal!
the place ain't alight ? 's no big deal.
it's a fire drill ? a test;
you can stop and get dressed
before fleeing ? not so, were it real!
"
"i will bend over backwards to please.
i'll fall over myself to appease.
my eagerness shows
when i land on my nose
or, at best, i end up on my knees.
"
"how this verse will end up, i confess,
after editing's anyone's guess.
choice and order of words
may fly round like mad birds,
with the end result boasting finesse.
"
"""horses sweat, men perspire, women glow.""
who first said this i really don't know,
but we girls find it dire
when we start to perspire
and a film of sweat glows with the flow.
"
"count dracula's fangs needed drilling;
gold amalgam would be their new filling.
he said he'd behave
if the dentist would save
any blood that he chanced to be spilling.
"
"with a hole in his tooth count drac saw
a good dentist, who froze his poor jaw,
filled the tooth, and said, ""bud,
if you want to suck blood,
for some hours you'll be needing a straw.""
"
"if you're wanting to draw in a crowd,
pick a pencil that won't stand so proud
that it pokes passers-by.
let your artistry try
to attract them to look. it's allowed.
"
"there is many an ism to find.
existential- is one, where the mind
creates its own notion
of being, promotion
of a pure self-determining kind.
"
"the crowned pigeon has plumage deep blue,
with its chest feathers reddish. (coo, coo!) 
not too fat, nor too skinny,
it lives in new guinea,
and the crest on its head is blue, too.
"
"insomnia's taking its toll,
when each day from my warm bed i roll.
as i walk down the street
i am dead on my feet,
too exhausted for more than a stroll.
"
"the muscle and tissue and skin
protecting your skull is the thin
epicranium. it
will not sharpen your wit;
you must think for yourself from within.
"
"queen victoria enjoys bedtime fun
with prince albert; when all's said and done,
they both love sexy games,
choose abundant babes' names:
her fertility's fecund to none.
"
"as regards making money, it's best
that one feathers one's own little nest.
never mind who goes under
if one makes a blunder:
look out for oneself, i suggest.
"
"narrow guide lines cross every fresh page
in your notebook: a handwriting guage.
there are lines? almost ain't,
as they're printed so faint.
i'll admit feint's their name, at this stage!
"
"he has wounded his fetlock, poor horse ?
just there, where the tuft of hair's coarse.
see his hoof? just above!
now he's limping, poor love,
so the vet must now treat the pain's source.
"
"felicitations i offer, and p'raps,
for your birthday, full eighty-two claps.
i congratulate you
on your fourscore and two,
and still looking so fit (to collapse!)
"
"smuggling dogs through the customs today?
if you've got one you've squirreled away,
we will search out your pup,
and we'll never give up ?
we will ferret it out ? and you'll pay!
"
"the price is exorbitantly high
for this coffee ? i do wonder why
it's a rip-off in rome,
when in london, back home,
coffee's never too costly to buy.
"
"it's half-time and we look at the score.
seems that we have three goals to your four.
but there's hope for us yet:
just one more goal to get,
then we equalise. damn! that's a draw!
"
"ephemerality: blink and you miss it.
it's a snowflake that melts as you kiss it.
it's a state that won't last,
briefly present, now past.
not for keeps, it is fleeting. is this it?
"
"""i am loving this minty ice-cream,
with its flavoursome taste, quite supreme,""
said the small boy, enjoyably,
and sleepily. ""annoyably ?
annoyingly, i mean ? it's a dream.""
"
"now a fine fatless sponge i shall bake.
they're quite quick and quite easy to make.
to whisk eggs and sieve flour
takes far less than an hour.
then add sugar. (no fat in this cake.)
"
"if you're living at no fixed abode,
so you spend night and day on the road,
sell the big issue. soon
you will reach for the moon.
turn your life round by sharing your load.
"
"this chlorinated water's superior
inasmuch as it kills off bacteria,
but it rots the elastane
in cozzies ? i fast gain
a garment that's vastly inferior.
"
"i fail to see why i should wait
hours on end when the time and the date
were arranged in advance,
but it seems i must dance
to their tune, though each time they are late!
"
"the extraordinariness of her request
put our mutual respect to the test.
that she'd ask me to vote
for a four-legged goat ...!
well, my x went elsewhere, i confessed.
"
"used a pattern to cut out my dress.
stitched neat seams, but each armhole's a mess ?
needs a facing attached,
seamed together, shapes matched,
so frayed edges won't show. sew and press!
"
"for this fabric, take fibres and hair,
soft fur and whatever's to spare,
then roll it and press it,
and make ... (can you guess it?):
i felt you'd know felt ? it's not rare.
"
"bacterial infection? we'll treat it
with an antibiotic that's neat: it
is erythromycin
and kind of enticin'
when you know to get well you can't beat it.
"
"when dissenters and rcs hold hands
with, say, anglicans from many lands,
then ecumenism rules,
(and unites stubborn fools):
this each church leader p'raps understands.
"
"please see the attached, the girl wrote
at the end of her ancestry note.
the enclosed bits and pieces
were photos of nieces,
great uncles, a fort and a moat.
"
"i have only two feet, which is hard,
as i really need three for a yard.
but my feet walk the walk,
and i can talk the talk,
and in rhyme, too. that makes me a bard!
"
"when the topiarist snipped at that tree,
you can tell what he meant it to be.
but those humps are absurd.
it's excrescent, that third;
even bactrians never have three.
"
"""on a fact-finding mission, i'm off,""
said the councillor, faking a cough.
""it will help me to think,""
added he, with a wink,
""how to keep my head deep in the trough.""
"
"he's a chap that some might think a king;
""he's a jolly good fellow,"" they'd sing.
could be weak; could be brave;
might not always behave;
he's a bloke; he's a guy: that's the thing.
"
"sir oliver pilkington-pie
waves his fists, gives a wild, savage cry.
he's mad and ferocious:
""it's simply atrocious ?
a fly just flew into my eye!""
"
"the most popular month to give birth
is the second. you ask, ""why on earth?""
well, this high birth-rate season
occurs for good reason:
may's the month for young lovers and mirth.
"
"when they live in a freshwater pond,
the fish and their habitat bond
so completely, we call
it a fishpond. it's all
the fish know of, not what lies beyond.
"
"picking daisies? please don't take them all,
and, for goodness' sake, not if they're tall!
i would beg you to leave a few
medicinal feverfew ?
a herb that will heal, i recall.
"
"""crackle china it's called."" ""yes, but what's
it to do with?"" ""think: vases and pots!
then add networks of cracks
making patterns and tracks.
when the glaze starts to craze, there are lots.""
"
"busy paws dig down deep underground
until tunnels and burrows abound.
rabbits' warrens are snug
where the bunnies have dug.
from all danger they hide safe and sound.
"
"copper rockfish is such a fine name.
copper seaperch? exactly the same!
it gives birth to live young
and it hangs out among
kelp and rocks. living long is its game.
"
"it takes but a few minutes to make
a quick fish cake. so, first, you must take
some mashed spud to enfold
your flaked fish and, behold!
it's a patty. now fry it, like steak.
"
"fine-tooth combs! you will very soon see
they will pick up each louse, nit and flea
when i comb your long hair.
no, bugs shouldn't be there ?
they're not pets and they cannot roam free!
"
"this old wedding gown's so finely made.
see the lace, all hand-stitched, and the braid
weaving round every gem
at the foot of the hem?
bet the tailor was handsomely paid!
"
"the ground floor's off the street, through the door.
go upstairs if you want to find more:
that's the first floor, we say,
when we're in the uk;
in the states we would say second floor.
"
"wanna take off your jacket and cap?
wanna roughhouse? a set-to? a scrap?
i'll rough you up proper;
i'll land you a whopper:
a thumping good fight, not a slap!
"
"an adverb's distinct, as you'll see,
from an adjective: often there'll be
an -ly to append
to the adjective's end ?
quite distinguishingly, you'd agree?
"
"she's the author and dedicator who
on the title page wrote, ""just for you
who fulfilled my whole life
when you made me your wife.
and this book pays our mortgage bills, too.""
"
"the first footbridge began as a tree
that blew down, by good luck, not decree,
to span marshland or stream.
now they're built by a team
to a plan: so much safer, you see.
"
"there are so many finches i've seen;
there's the rose- and the gold- and the green-.
they're small seed-eating birds
and too pretty for words.
of their species i've counted umpteen.
"
"this foldable table has hinges
to collapse it for storage. mum whinges
when it flattens her fingers
and traps them. there lingers
much bruising in black and blue tinges.
"
"if your surname begins with a fitz
(anglo-norman in origin), it's
a prefix for son of;
it means that you're one of
the named person's kin ? often brits.
"
"i apologise: yes, it's a mess.
it's a foul up, i have to confess.
i thought i could bake
a big marble cake:
shouldn't microwave metal, i guess!
"
"my funny old mum said, ""in truth,
i have grown far too long in the tooth.""
when she turned eighty-nine,
she said, ""that will do fine!""
but she still went on living, forsooth!
"
"i don't want to put on lots of weight.
this means, when i'm out on a date,
i'll forgo all the sweet
kinds of pudding and eat
lots of salad instead (which i hate).
"
"flaring nostrils suggest you're annoyed;
i can tell that, although i'm no freud.
don't like seeing up noses,
so, till your nose closes,
your company i shall avoid.
"
"i'm a footballer: i kick a ball,
or i head it (no hands), but may fall
as i run on the pitch
of this outdoor game, which,
as the beautiful game, has it all!
"
"from the flyover crossing the street
our high vantage point makes the view sweet.
a formation of planes
flies above us and gains
our attention. their flyover's neat.
"
"we were in the same form, starting school:
same age and same class. we were cool.
now grown-up, she's in jail,
having spent time on bail.
she's got form, unlike me. what a fool!
"
"""must a deckchair be always on deck?
is that what it means?"" ""does it heck!
it's a light folding chair
made of canvas, and where
you desire, it unfolds in a sec.""
"
"as a youngster high mountains i'd climb,
where the views from the top were sublime.
now the foothills i trek
with a crick in my neck:
from low hills i look up all the time.
"
"when we travelled i knew it would be
through the mountains, then down to the sea.
packing boots, strongly made,
and a bucket and spade,
i showed foresight, prepared for a spree!
"
"at the photocall, everyone poses
close behind the fine bride, who holds roses
and the hand of her groom.
but there's not enough room ?
in the foreground (in front): two blurred noses!
"
"no man, in his eyes, could be finer
than his father, who captained a liner.
""i will follow in my
father's footsteps or die;
i, too, will be skip,"" said the minor.
"
"though the smoke i inhale's hardly clean,
my new filter tips possibly mean
lower risk, insofar
as a little less tar
is breathed in ? so i might make eighteen!
"
"watch our footwork: it's fancy and quick.
we are skilful ? our steps are all slick.
see our feet skip and wind,
now in front, now behind;
maybe too much ? i'm gonna be sick.
"
"""a fish knife's designed with a blade
like a spatula and has the aid
of a pointy bit, too,
to pick ribs out, so's you
will not choke on a bone,"" said the maid.
"
"you all look at me, showing surprise.
my strange clothes? my fair skin and blue eyes?
i flew in from a zone
far away from your own:
i'm a foreigner, dropped from the skies.
"
"the science of em induction
(as for motors in hoovers for suction)
michael faraday founded
and maxwell expounded
by means of newtonian fluxion.
"
"in the footwell i keep half a brick
to weigh down the pedal ? great trick!
here in front of my seat
there's still room for both feet;
why do passengers give me such stick?
"
"we had newspaper balls and dry sticks
laid with care in a heap amid bricks,
but firelighters? no!
matches gave one short glow
before out went our flames in two ticks!
"
"couch potato and sofa match well.
both are old and beginning to smell.
they are dressed pretty shabbily,
sag fairly flabbily:
slack muscles and springs, i can tell.
"
"when your travels in europe are over,
catch the ferry from calais to dover.
if the crossing is rough,
you'll have soon had enough,
and stop choosing to be such a rover.
"
"the soles of my shoes are embossed
with a pattern like crystals of frost.
so, please look where it's sandy
for footprints ? most handy
to follow if ever i'm lost.
"
"raising children has left me dead beat!
and my legs are so weary. this heat!
bring my footstool, my dear,
the small, low one ? it's clear
i should use it for raising my feet.
"
"in the bin went my camera last night!
it was cracked down one side, so that light
leaking in left a blur ?
fogged my photos ? like fur
splodging every last picture with white.
"
"now 'fortune will favour the fool'
is a saying i learned back in school.
that luck should be kind
to a man of weak mind
seems  an odd, but considerate, rule.
"
"they might well feature pixies and elves
or be stories involving ourselves,
but from north, west or south,
or the east, word of mouth
spread these folk tales, not books upon shelves.
"
"the traffic's now busy, now light.
it fluctuates daily ? by night,
fewer cars on the roads,
fewer lorries with loads ?
but the volume each noon's at its height.
"
"when his razor needs cleaning he'll spill
the whole head's little bits: what a thrill!
left to dry, out they're laid,
every cog, screw and blade.
will they fit back together? they will.
"
"long and sticky, they hang from the ceiling;
the stickiness: poison. i'm feeling
some sorrow for flies
who meet their demise
from such flypapers. (swatting's appealing!)
"
"mrs danvers, let's say, mrs d:
a formidable woman was she,
the housekeeper who
enfeebled her new
young mistress, and broke her esprit.
"
"the fellow next door has a press
that's for printing. he will not confess
to his faking crisp bank-notes,
although, to be frank, notes
he spends he has forged, i would guess.
"
"""see this five-petalled flower, true blue,
with its wee yellow centre? i knew
the plant's name, at one time,
years ago, in my prime ...""
""try forget-me-not, that name should do!""
"
"sir christopher phelps, fat and jolly,
owned a mansion worth oodles of lolly;
built a tower in the grounds
for no purpose. it sounds
as if this were sir christopher's folly.
"
"though to some it might seem unconventional,
there's a hole in our door ? quite intentional.
it's a cat flap that lets
outdoor whiskery pets
enjoy ingress if feline-dimensional.
"
"in the forum we're chewing the fat;
pros and cons we discuss as we chat.
all we members will share
our opinions; we care
about what will ensue after that.
"
"see these masts ? the one nearest the bow
of the ship is the foremast. so now,
raise the sails, cos they say
a strong wind's on its way.
our foremast will lead at the prow.
"
"the prime message she left on our phone
was to say she would play her trombone.
her digressional words
ranged from cooking to birds ?
so off-topic ? a world of her own!
"
"it's forbiddingly dark in the wood,
though for night birds like owls that is good.
when you rabbits or mice
venture out, take advice:
dark's a menace. is that understood?
"
"these forged banknotes are not too convincing.
when i see them i cannot help wincing.
is that mr bean's head?
it can't be the queen's head!
and the ink runs if rain gives a rinsing.
"
"the feminisation of john
began when he started to don
his twin sister's dresses.
he then grew long tresses,
and dd-cup boobies anon.
"
"i flatly refuse to discuss
such sensitive things on a bus.
there are earwiggers who
would spread rumours anew.
i am adamant. end of. don't fuss!
"
"i am flexibly challenged with age;
i don't bend well ? i've now reached the stage
where i wake feeling so
far from limber, i know
my stiff ribs have no give in their cage.
"
"""a flagstaff should stand quite erect,
but this pole's blown adrift; i detect
a degree of sad flagging:
its flag's almost dragging.""
""no almost about it! it's decked!""
"
"the flickering flames make the light
dance around, causing shadows at night
to play on the walls
like rippling falls
of water, kinetic and bright.
"
"sneaky earwiggers eavesdrop on matters
discussed in their absence. who natters
should check out the keyhole:
an ear's there ? it's the hole
to catch conversation of chatters.
"
"this book's cover's the thinnest i've seen.
but what does its flimsiness mean?
can't the printers afford
any decent stiff board?
it's as weak as the words in between.
"
"if chocolate's your bag, happy feaster,
then the bunnies will bring you, at least, a
few chocolately eggs
on their hoppity legs,
and some savoury hens' eggs, for easter.
"
"twixt the foc'sle and bridge sits the foredeck,
and the bigger the ship then the more deck.
it's a floor near the front
(that's the sharp, not the blunt)
end of boats ? like a go-and-explore deck!
"
"when we shoot down the chute it's so cool:
we slide fast, then land ? splash! ? in the pool.
there isn't much room
on this curved, narrow flume.
we take turns: that's the one golden rule.
"
"see the steam engine? open the door.
join the driver, his feet on the floor.
to stand here in his cab
on the footplate is fab.
pull the cord ? hear the toot as of yore.
"
"when young ermintrude enters a room,
she brings humour, but, equally, gloom.
she divides her relations,
breaks up conversations:
disjunctive ? her middle name's doom!
"
"you flatteringly say i'm unchanged ?
you must think i am slightly deranged
to believe such a tale.
either that, or you fail
to recall, as we're so long estranged.
"
"the exordial part of his speech,
the intro, was wasted on each
of his patrons. they heard
not a single damn word
as his mike was offstage, out of reach.
"
"the forestalling of damage to limbs
means no kneeling for prayers, and all hymns
shall be sung while you're sitting.
you say it's not fitting?
health and safety fears spur certain whims.
"
"her swift sword-arm moved first to the right,
a mock movement, but short-lived and slight.
she plunged left. her smart ruse
to mislead and confuse,
that first feint, made her foe lose the fight.
"
"said sir oliver pilkington-pie,
who lived in a mansion nearby,
""that sir chris is a fool.
he learnt nothing at school
and his tower is a waste of good sky!""
"
"as an insect's antennae wave free,
so do i put out feelers to see
if someone would like
to lend me their bike,
since my own's sadly wrapped round a tree.
"
"through frustration that will not abate,
i am in an expostulatory state ?
i argue the toss,
reason well with my boss,
to let me take control of my fate.
"
"as through woods the hog wanders, she snuffles.
leaves and fungi she ruffles and shuffles.
she will graze and she'll feed,
and she'll forage indeed
if she catches one whiff of ripe truffles.
"
"though a lone only child was joe,
was he lonely? why, not at all ? no!
not when some of his dozens
of proper first cousins
(dad's nephews and nieces) would show.
"
"according to cocker there's just
one way to add up. it's a must
to read his book first,
and then you will thirst
for addition, no longer nonplussed.
"
"we've fitted him out with school tie,
grey trousers and blazer ? here's why:
now the boy has turned four,
he is straight out the door
(with a hankie in case he might cry)!
"
"my forefinger, next to my thumb,
bends to beckon for people to come,
or, keeping straight joints,
like a signpost, it points.
(here a budgie might well park its bum!)
"
"of twins jimmy and bob it's the former
who's more friendly, protective and warmer.
yes, it's jimmy you'll find
being gentle and kind,
but the latter (that's bob) married norma.
"
"though your drawing's, of course, not 3d,
the way you've foreshortened that tree
suggests depth through perspective.
your skill is effective ?
short lines appear longer, i see.
"
"you take off your hat at the door.
we shake hands, then i offer to pour
you a cuppa or two.
these formalities through,
how'd we end up entwined on the floor?
"
"who's caused famine and wide deprivation
since our forefathers founded our nation?
their descendants (we knaves).
they would turn in their graves
at the errors of this generation.
"
"i thought i could hear, close behind,
furtive footsteps ? the shuffling kind.
""who'd follow me, coldly?""
i told myself, boldly,
but shivered, and quickly ran blind.
"
"the young man had been weaned off his drug.
he was no longer viewed as a thug.
but a flashback ? so bad ?
made him see his poor dad
as a vampire ? the kill took one slug.
"
"will you please read the following text:
tell me, how do you like what comes next?
you abhor it? i'm vexed.
and it leaves me perplexed.
should i spice it up ? make it up-sexed?
"
"if to travel to france you're hell bent,
you might sail from a harbour in kent.
from folkestone to calais
it's easy to aller:
smell onions and follow the scent!
"
"icy cliff face, so dark and forbidding:
no footholds; loose stones to cause skidding.
behind me the ocean
extends its harsh motion:
no option ? i'm climbing, no kidding!
"
"dos-?-dos, we might go, and then swing:
not a formal dance, fit for a king,
but a folk dance, where we
who work hard have a spree
in a barn, say. we have a good fling.
"
"bill's a bobby ? a bold 'boy in blue';
joined the force in two-thousand-and-two.
since that day, bill macmillan's
caught hundreds of villains
and he wields a mean billiard cue.
"
"al the axeman declared his ambition,
and today his plans came to fruition:
half his neighbours are dead;
the remainder have fled.
he's alone with his sign no admission.
"
"from dover to calais advance
(cross the channel) and now you're in france.
that's where french people live;
it's where donner means give.
on its avignon bridge on y danse.
"
"at our furnishings everyone stares:
all our carpets and curtains and chairs.
on account of our dogs
and our seventeen mogs,
they are coated with animal hairs.
"
"that word fluidness ? ain't that fluidity?
it seems a word born of stupidity.
both mean 'flowing with ease' ?
or that property. please,
do not tell me this word has validity!
"
"alan ayckbourn writes wonderful plays,
mostly farce. he finds humorous ways
to show everyday life,
damaged husband-and-wife
type relationships, winning wide praise.
"
"they're fraternal, these newly born twins ?
not identical, matching like pins.
though they share the same mother,
they're brother and brother:
they're siblings. competing begins!
"
"although limericks should be hilarious,
rich with wordplay and puns (of types various),
some float high ? they're ethereal;
some low, so funereal:
unhurried and earnestly sarious.
"
"""i wonder if i might disclose a
different name for the prunus spinosa?
it's called blackthorn or sloe.""
""well well! whadderyaknow!
now on quiz night that won't be a poser.""
"
"blowing cool, and quite strong, the wind's fresh.
i've got goose pimples ? see? ? on bare flesh!
i must put on a cardie;
i'm not very hardy.
in lancashire folks call me nesh.
"
"""as to how many bees will make five,
i know well, as i'm clever,"" said clive.
""i'm as bright as can be
to a certain degree,
though, by contrast, it's dark in this hive.""
"
"upon the word bunyip let's focus:
a beast of australian locus;
an amphibious freak
which lurks in the creek;
a bog-loving bogeyman; bogus.
"
"the way phil and megan relax is
to wife-swap at anna and max's.
the meg-max entente
do whatever they want.
shock reaction: an anna-phil axis.
"
"since her features have started to sag,
my young wife has become an old hag.
she was ""kicking"", a hottie,
my sack-worthy totty;
now she's ""boot"", an old boiler, a bag.
"
"postmen, knowing my dog's 'spring-shut' nip,
stick my mail in his iron-jawed grip.
my pooch won't let go
till i squeeze him just so,
which is why i call my bulldog clip.
"
"my birdbath is lead-lined and leak-fast,
my bird-table solid and creak-fast.
passing birds stop with me
at my quaint ""b&amp;b"",
which expands to the phrase ""bread and beak fast"".
"
"bees too (which are rounder and cuddlier,
more bumbling and, some would say, muddlier)
suck sweet, sweet botanicals
from these purple panicles:
the ""butterfly bush"" that is buddleia.
"
"4, 2, 1 (one of each) ? seventh heaven! ?
i have written out binary 111.
it appears it should be ?
ill defined ? roman iii.
in base 10, it's 111.
"
"in the lower house, government yammer'll
move their bills; in the upper house, clamour'll
vote them down, change them round
or enact them as found.
that's the beauty of systems bicameral.
"
"adolescent, that fuzz on your chin
is just bumfluff, all downy and thin.
but grow up a few years,
proper beard growth appears
and the twice-daily shave can begin.
"
"how i love double-entry accounts ?
keeping books with cross-checking amounts!
like a cat stalking prey,
i could balance all day.
(it's on ledgers, not ledges, i pounce.)
"
"the goddess of love, aphrodite,
wearing naught but a phrygian nightie,
asked the king of dardania,
""are you man for my mania?""
anchises replied, ""well... alrighty.""
"
"there's a smile on my bold british bulldog
(for the happiest dog is a full dog).
like a bigger-built pug,
stout and proud, slightly smug,
it's a smooth-coated breed ? not a wool dog.
"
"shall we dance?  are you up for a birl?
would you care for a turn, twist or twirl?
since your kilt has no sporran,
i assume that you're foreign ?
time will tell, if you give it a whirl?
"
"a binger and boozer, young ben
drinks excessively, now and again.
when tipsy on whisky,
the girls make him frisky;
when giddy with gin, it's the men.
"
"an architect came to enquire
how a church could be made a bit higher.
""think big and have vision,""
i said with concision,
""the answer is simple: aspire.""
"
"male physiques need to be the right kind:
taut and toned, both in front and behind;
ripped and rugged, not rough;
big-armed, beefy and buff.
(like my words, i like men well defined!)
"
"see that grove, heliconian mountains-y,
where the nine muses play at the fount; and see,
with her daybooks and pen,
there sits muse number ten:
hypersomnia, muse of accountancy.
"
"thoughts of sarin and toxins microbic
set me drowning in air anaerobic.
it's a panic attack
by the deep iron track,
making me bathysiderodromophobic.
"
"my babyhood, swaddled in cotton,
is gone; but my dad's not forgotten:
""a baby's a bit
like a bottomless pit
attached to a pitiless bottom.""
"
"i am not good at badminton (yet) ?
it's a court game i just cannot get.
some day, i will crack it ?
and not crack my racquet
when shuttlecocks scud to the net.
"
"you have fired up my feelings of joy
since you said i'm expecting a boy.
my head spins in a whirl
of excitement ? a girl
would work, too, for free housing: my ploy!
"
"my words aren't too clear when i speak
since i bit myself hard just this week.
flapping tissue, so sore,
makes my tongue, more and more,
seek the poor swollen spot in my cheek.
"
"the air was forced out when she sat
by the pressure, i think, of her fat.
as soon as she started
to squat, the lass farted ?
'twas not that she chose to do that.
"
"flying foxes are also called fruit bats.
of the pteropus genus, they're cute bats.
unlike some other bats,
they will never eat gnats;
but their eyesight makes these more astute bats.
"
"you amaze and astound me: what cheek!
you flabbergast me! just this week
you smashed up and bent
the bentley i lent
you. and now you call me a mean freak!
"
"tabacaria phelps: one locale
to buy baccy and fags in funchal.
yes, rely on a phelps
to be there when it helps
and so build up madeirans' morale.
"
"in sweet april, before the month's old,
forsythia's covered in gold:
yellow flowers shine bright
in the early spring light.
prune the bush when they wither, we're told.
"
"you're obstructive, forestalling my spending,
but that won't see our savings ascending.
our account pin you've changed,
but since then i've arranged
a new credit card. shopping's unending!
"
"the food chain is something like who
will eat who, but then chain will not do:
it's more complex ? linked skeins
form a food web, where chains
interact and criss-cross through and through.
"
"these two banking pins dampen the rock
of the levers inside this old clock.
my full knowledge about them:
oscillation without them
could mess up the tick and the tock.
"
"an avatar?  whose incarnation?
which hindu god's manifestation?
whose internet icon?
what image to liken?
what concept in glorification?
"
"an acclaimed architectural artisan
built this battlement tower or bartizan.
it is used as a belvedere
(a high viewing shelf).  a dear
friend of mine built it ? i'm partisan.
"
"""you like herbs.  you like words.  how do you gloss
the name of the plant known as bugloss?""
""like 'snail-loss' or 'slug-loss',
i once called it 'bug-loss'.
see the leaves?  greek for ox-tongue's its true gloss.""
"
"callipygian form, let me stare:
pulchritudinous buttocks you bear.
(and you bare them as well ?
that is how i can tell
that you have such a beautiful pair.)
"
"""what an athlete!"" the commentary starts.
though the image that athlete imparts
is a lean, limber bod
with the grace of a god,
it's a twenty-stone bloke playing darts.
"
"""give blood now,"" the advertisement pleads,
""you possess what this dying child needs.""
but they turn me away
just because i'm too gay.
bloody daft?  bleeding cruel!  my heart bleeds...
"
"a back street will sometimes extend
to a banjo, a type of dead-end
that's of circular plan
but so small, no car can
turn round cleanly ? it's too tight a bend.
"
"belatedly, let me just say:
""happy birthday to you!  hip hooray!""
i forgot (damn and blast it!)
and now you are past it:
you're thirty years old and a day.
"
"i'm a sitting duck, sad to report:
i am easily shot at for sport.
but by me, no one's harmed
(i am winged and not armed) ?
i'm an anodyne, anatine sort.
"
"the government (lackeys and chiefs)
have imprisoned me for my beliefs:
i believed the alarm
was one i could disarm;
it was not ? so my fate is a thief's.
"
"i kept goldfish when i was a boy;
now it's japanese carp i enjoy.
i've a fine breeding pair
but, i beg, please don't stare,
or they will not come out ? they're two koi.
"
"what a winsome and welcoming waiter!
there is no-one i'd rather have cater.
he's a man that i'd wish
to have handle my dish,
so i leave him a note: ""see you later?""
"
"in the army, a captain called rob
liked to mess with the military mob.
with his friendly palm proffered
young privates were offered
a handshake ? or even a job.
"
"very gifted, frustrated, young brian
has the rage of a caged, captive lion.
but what often is missed
is this man's velvet fist,
which is caged in a glove made of iron.
"
"these sex-hungry males you won't sever ?
they've teamed up to share the endeavour.
the stamen's adelphous:
it offers itself as
a brother-in-cluster.  how clever!
"
"where do these two nobbly bits park?
oh, this push-twist-release is a lark!
all my light bulbs keep quitting;
they're bayonet fitting
and to change them's a stab in the dark.
"
"mr camel, sir, how do you do?
would you care for some tea?  what a brew ?
it's a most satisfact'ry un!
arabian or bactrian?
(in other words, one lump or two?)
"
"why does calcium carbonate settle
as the limescale that furs up my kettle?
it seems strange, but i'm told
it dissolves better cold
and precipitates warm on hot metal.
"
"the campine or kempen's a moorland
in belgium ? not fertile but poor land;
it's paltry, indeed.
in poultry, a breed
of bright chickens is named for this dour land.
"
"when marc almond (ex-lead of soft cell)
interprets the work of jacques brel,
his discoed-up ""jacky""
avoids being tacky.
(terry jacks didn't manage so well.)
"
"a preamble of boilerplate text
leaves some clients bewildered and vexed.
though the formal bit's needed,
our lawyer's conceded
what's operative mainly comes next.
"
"a cathedra (from greek for ""sit down"")
is a throne where no king wears a crown.
its appointed alighter,
a bishop, dons mitre
(and quite the most sumptuous gown).
"
"it's a diamond, dear ? don't look away.
i think pear-shaped is just so pass?.
as my buck spends his money
on ""cute little bunny"",
this twelve carat carrot's my pay.
"
"when i'm able, although i'm a man,
i cancan whenever i can.
as i seal up the tin
which i've put the food in,
i do high kicks, skirts splayed like a fan.
"
"look ? i've drawn you a caricature.
its distortions will please you, i'm sure:
the huge head means you're brainy;
the red nose says you're zany.
the small genitals?  why, you're so pure!
"
"a cat is a bundle of fur.
when stroked the right way, it will purr.
playful swipes of its paws
hide retractable claws:
it's demure till you dare to demur.
"
"see how slowly the stretch limo drags
with its cargo of drunk, dolled-up hags.
they are out on a hen night
(a leer-at-the-men night)
in a pink-painted ""bucket-o-slags"".
"
"for fine coffee you go to a caf?,
so what do you think of this gaff, eh?
we serve sweet, sticky goo
that has fruit in it too.
good banoffee deserves a banaf?.
"
"when the yank asked her beau, ""like my bangs?"",
the young brit said, ""i crave you with pangs!
yes, i love banging you.""
she replied, ""that's good, too;
but by bangs, i meant fringe, where hair hangs.""
"
"there are media files (mov)
which i've downloaded to my pc.
view them at your own risk!
want a copy on disc?
i will burn you a seedy cd.
"
"an alchemist, barmy but bold,
tried to turn all his coins into gold.
when he found a solution,
he faced destitution:
the alkahest melted them cold.
"
"has ever a certified nutter been
quite this mad?  when i've, heartbeat a-flutter, been
to the doc, i convulse
at ""may i take your pulse?""
and produce a large lima or butter bean.
"
"""do you like the new flat, then?"" asked paul
as we walked through his sculpture-lined hall.
""they're a bugger to dust,
but i like a nice bust.""
then he sniggered and said, ""don't we all?""
"
"i must hope: could this pill in its blister mean
no more hay fever?  how i want this to mean
that my sneezing will stop!
so i'll pop out then pop
a small tab of this new antihistamine.
"
"the long tube in my chemistry set,
with the measure marks?  that's my burette.
turn the tap to and fro
and it varies the flow
of the poison i'm planning you'll get!
"
"i would marry the fair atalanta,
but my sprint is no match for her canter.
as my parents once said,
""better not lose your head
to a fast woman ? stick to lewd banter.""
"
"see my girls (what a beauteous bevy!) ?
nicely curved, not too slim, not too heavy.
this bevy of beauties
can do household duties!
(if you marry, expect a small levy?)
"
"i've derived from the concrete noun, bean,
a new abstract noun, bean-ness, to mean
what makes beans ""beans"" as such,
be it taste, smell or touch.
(try with pea ? but watch out, keep it clean!)
"
"smearing bird-lime on trees is a crime:
birds get stuck in the sticky glue slime.
cockneys, rhyming this word,
know that if they do bird
then it's prison for them, doing time.
"
"at st andrews, the young bejantines
(first year girls) were all wannabe queens.
they would hang around wills,
wearing plunge tops and frills,
in pursuit of royal jeans and royal genes.
"
"adolescents, at that awkward age
when they're brimming with hormones and rage,
might go out every night;
but to join them's not right ?
or that cheap, on a schoolteacher's wage.
"
"i say aris (in full, aristotle)
as the londoner's rhyme word for bottle
(short for bottle and glass),
which is cockney for arse;
and so aris means ""arse"". that's your lottle.
"
"checking emails, i pondered this blurb:
""are you balding? then take chinese herb...""
that word's adjectival
for hair non-survival,
but why can't i bald as a verb?
"
"when the welsh-speaking britons are set on
by saxons, invading, they get on
their boats and sail, smitten
on a new little britain,
to brittany, france, where they're breton.
"
"what's a bugaboo, bugbear or bug?
it's a bogeyman (mythical thug);
a dread chore that's a wrench;
a b?te noire (from the french);
or a bogey that makes you go ""ugh!"".
"
"the bouquets and brickbats received
from the critics should not be believed.
'cut flowers' and 'rubble'
from mouths all a-bubble
just hype or deny what's achieved.
"
"there's a song (this is true, non-believer!)
'bout the pelt of a waterway weaver
and the head where it sat
(yes, the subject's old hat),
in which burns demands ""cock up your beaver"".
"
"write a limerick ? one about apathy?
well, i'll start...
...
...
...
"
"""agamemnon, come bathe ? leave the slave,""
clytemnestra enticed.  ""have a shave.""
but aegisthus her lover
(his ""brother"") broke cover,
and a shave to the neck's what they gave.
"
"""advent calendars?  what are they for?""
""every morning, i open a door
for the present day's sweet.
each pre-christmas treat
makes me want to a-door him the more!""
"
"les fen?tres, that's 'windows' in france,
are not quite the same, at a glance,
as french windows we sell.
they're glass doors. you might well
see nice views when you look through, perchance.
"
"i could sit and watch lambs the whole day
as they gambol and frolic and play.
while i watch them, of course,
i don't mention mint sauce ...
though i ask myself, what do they weigh?
"
"it's such fun when we frolic and play,
in the hayloft, in newly-mown hay,
where no-one will know,
except horses below,
until nine short months later, next may ...
"
"""competition: the prettiest plate!
embellish it ? make it look great.
no constraints,"" they explain,
""you have total free rein:
you design it, or work with a mate.""
"
"while pork's tasty (i'm sure you'll agree),
only free-range type farming's for me.
eating bacon, i find
i leave heartache behind
if i know that the piggies roamed free.
"
"a financial year's based on accounts:
any twelve months' recorded amounts.
known as fiscal year, too,
either way, when it's through,
simply wait for the tax man to pounce!
"
"cheaply made in hong kong ? and long gone
is the doll that this small frock was on:
tiny bodice and skirt
laced with fifty years' dirt.
fresh and new, this cute dress almost shone.
"
"friar tuck is a name you will ken:
an old outlaw, in forest and glen.
remember the friar
in monk-like attire?
the most godly of robin hood's men.
"
"now for me, i say nature's barbed wire,
as the pain from its thorns is quite dire,
though firethorn, too,
is a good name. it's true
pyracantha's the blackbird's desire.
"
"these old roads are all long and quite straight,
built with ditches each side, and they date
from the romans ? such feats:
ermine and watling streets
and the fosse way in england. they're great.
"
"you're ""as sound as an old stradivarius""?
oh, your english is sometimes hilarious!
the term needs a slight twiddle:
try ""fit as a fiddle"".
just your language (not health) is precarious.
"
"though we're not allowed brollies at school,
my fold-up umbrella is cool.
it's nice and compact,
telescopic, in fact.
makes it easy to break the damn rule!
"
"my new lap top won't take my old floppy,
holding code that i wanted to copy.
there is simply no slit
in which data disks fit.
""no damn' drive bay!"" it makes me quite stroppy.
"
"dotty phelps has long held the fond wish
of catching the world's largest fish.
does she cast a strong line
in the tyne? or the rhine?
no, her net's in the soup-serving dish.
"
"""will you look at the dust i can make!
i'm important, me! ? make no mistake.
i'm the fly on the coach-wheel,
beyond all reproach."" (we'll
soon find, au contraire: he's a fake!)
"
"""listen closely. keep up at the back!
do you understand so far, young jack?""
""i can't follow too well
what you're saying, please tell
me more slowly. i'll soon be on track.""
"
"on the internet rumour abounds,
and hurtful remarks do the rounds.
classmates all sit up late
sharing updates of hate:
omg, cyberbullies are hounds.
"
"though it's falling apart at the seams,
this could well be the house of our dreams:
a new roof, walls and doors,
and restore the old floors ...
oh, my head is so full of fine schemes.
"
"when they make it, a flea collar's soaked
in insecticide. jim's sister joked:
""flea-bag bro' can wear that.
it's too big for the cat!""
you can guess the response that provoked!
"
"for this musical's cast we need more stage.
could you chorus girls dance on the forestage
in the front of the curtain?
don't trip, though ? for certain,
the orchestra pit is a poor stage.
"
"let the woman who reads this beware
of this caveat; may she take care.
there's a risk what i say
is untrue in some way.
(but believe me, my dear, if you dare...)
"
"my brilliant friend brian's a brainiac,
a mind-freak, a mensa-mad maniac.
with his sky-high iq
he is humorous, too,
and so clownish he might be a ""zaniac"".
"
"the stock exchange boasts a stockade
(posts and rail is the way that it's made);
kept within, cunning bears
sell their yet-to-buy shares.
see the balustrade; see balus trade.
"
"boric acid-dressed lint is boracic ?
antiseptic 'elastoplast classic'.
when physically skint,
cockneys used b'racic lint;
now, financially skint, they use brassic.
"
"the student prince william, ere regent,
in first year, while only a wee gent
and recently fledged,
his beak yellow-edged
(a bec jaune / b?jaune), was a bejant.
"
"found a seat on the bus ? oh, how lucky! ?
next to neds in white trackies, all mucky,
waving bottles of buckfast
(tonic wine).  had to duck fast
or get smashed by those smashed with their buckie.
"
"once i'd shuffled the deck, slightly frantic,
mystic may worked her art cartomantic:
""the ace of clubs dealt,
to my trained eye, has spelt
that your true love is, frankly, gigantic.""
"
"""what's so funny, you pair of buffoons?
this is art, not a skit from the goons.
though sketch comedy's fine,
these are dry runs in line.""
""but we like leonardo's cartoons.""
"
"oh, i knew it would be a mistake
to add quite so much booze when i bake.
sherry sponge gets me loaded...
rum tarts just exploded!
caked with pie, i am pie-eyed on cake.
"
"a castrato (who looks out of place,
middle-aged while cherubic of face),
with his treble refined
by a cut that's not kind,
sings at two thirds' remove from the bass.
"
"""you, the blonde in the bed, who let you in?
in you sneak, eat our breakfast, and ruin
my son's special chair!""
growled the storybook bear,
""girls like you ? always trouble a bruin!""
"
"on the bench, while the advocates plead,
swigs of gin make me too drunk to read.
i rejoice as i gulp 'em:
ad vitam aut culpam ?
appointment till death or ill deed.
"
"do not christen your child ""april harris"".
cockneys' april clues april in paris,
which clues aris or arse;
drop an h ? see the scars:
a name like ""arse arse"" could embarrass.
"
"come to ireland, where folk are still keen
on their seaweed.  maroon carrageen
is the 'irish moss' mustered
for making set custard
and soups which congeal in tureen.
"
"crowds at concerts, in france, wanting more,
you would think would cry out with ""encore!""
but in paris or nice,
what they utter is ""bis!""
(""play it twice ? once again, like before!"")
"
"so much casework!  the paper i chase
and the meetings i have face-to-face
with the voters might drain
my poor, overworked brain;
so a caseworker works here in case.
"
"i know all sorts of interesting stuff
about pale, brownish colours ? enough
to tell 'old hempen rope'
from an 'antique french taupe'.
i'm my hobby's most polished buff buff.
"
"raise a toast to the bride ? but which one?
there are two of them here: oh, what fun!
we can drink twice as much
till we talk double-dutch
and see four lovely ladies (then none).
"
"i picked out this phrase from the a list
of words lacking lims ? an okay list,
but without the great fame
of a true a-list name
(that's a star that is far from the palest).
"
"""arrivederci,"" italians explain;
while ""auf wiederseh'n,"" germans maintain;
""au revoir,"" the french say ?
all, for me, are a way
to convey, ""let us not meet again.""
"
"there's a dieting guru called valerie
who garners the healthiest salary.
her food range (extensive)
is so darn expensive,
it works out as ?10 per calorie.
"
"canities (""whiteness [with age]""):
in latin, this word's all the rage;
though in english it's rare,
it's still used, here and there,
of white hair ? mainly here, on this page.
"
"chameleon? no, i'm more lowly;
i'm only a humble anole.
my colours might change,
but the new world's my range,
and iguanas my kin (though not wholly).
"
"be prepared for some verbal contortion,
i must caution you; utter with caution.
in the law of my nation,
security's caution.
(yes, different vowel to apportion.)
"
"ancient ancestor, sixty years old,
you are wise, you are cool, you are bold.
you have shown your descendants
a quiet independence:
you ignore (or don't hear) what you're told.
"
"some ap?ritifs, maybe, to start?
after that, pick the menu apart...
have you seen the sweet trolley?
we can choose something jolly
from the cart, once we've dined ? la carte.
"
"with a sound like a quick-clicking ratchet,
let me follow the rhythm and match it.
as my chestnuts desire,
your flamenco's on fire ?
and if i castanet, i will catch it.
"
"the dutiful apiarist sees
that his hives serve to pollinate trees.
in return, he gets honey
and hears, while it's sunny,
the ""murmuring of innumerable bees"".
"
"though your daughter's employed, she's probationary.
for her loan application, a cautionary
obligation's required:
guarantee, if she's fired,
that you'll pay ? sign this blank legal stationery...
"
"oh, these kisses are antidepressants!
they are laced with a rich, heady essence.
it's that teen-spirit smell
i remember so well
and i now taste anew: adolescence.
"
"the flat butter bean often is seen
in hispanic and southern cuisine:
in your tapas; in stew;
in your succotash, too.
some are whitish, while some are picked green.
"
"l. frank baum wrote the wizard of oz;
and i think you should read it, because
the much-garlanded flick
colors prose heel-click slick.
what a wonderful wordsmith he was!
"
"venezuela: a girl on maracas
is joined by two castanet clackers,
then a bloke sings a ditty
'bout his capital city.
what a racket!  it's mad!  it's caracas!
"
"""sgt. clyde, meet your partner's replacement?
wait! we're twenty floors up from the basement!
get yourself back inside
from the window frame, clyde,
or i'm pulling your ass off the casement!""
"
"""why don't you be more masculine, dave?
rough and ruggedly's how to behave.
make your woman your slave, man,
and act like a caveman.
but you?  she demands and you cave!""
"
"as you're rea?ding this, ? ? pause ? part-way through,
momenta?rily; ? ? breathe ? as you do.
the caesu?ra that's made,
like a poor?ly placed spade,
can, quite ea?sily, ? ? cleave ? feet in two.
"
"for my ""blasphemous"" play, christ the clown,
i've been tried and condemned by the crown.
all the fuss that's afoot
shows you just cannot put
the good book, as the saying goes, down.
"
"it's bering time, five in the morn,
so in nome the cock crows in the corn;
while in greenwich it's four,
and the chicks i adore
start their baring time?nothing is worn.
"
"since my labrador pup (twenty-ouncer)
put on weight, he's not much of a pouncer.
in the porch, he'll just sit,
choosing whom to admit:
""labradoorman"", we call him, and ""bouncer"".
"
"as a bit of a lexical buff,
i adore, on tv, call my bluff.
with one word to define,
guests tell tales. task: divine
what's the deft def and which defs are duff.
"
"you're abloom, like a nymph, full of need
to be groomed, to be birded and beed.
but my immature thingummy
fails me: asyngamy
means we will not run to seed.
"
"the accounting equation's utility's
in that assets must match liabilities
plus capital owed
(whether that was bestowed
by the owners as cash or facilities).
"
"here's my grouse: it's those birds i hear daily
in the highlands in spring ? capercaillie.
there's a loud mating flock
(which is known as a ""tok"")
where the cocks like to lek (show off, malely).
"
"pick a day, any day, from the pack
and then count twelve long months further back.
with the ""profit and loss""
you prepare for your boss,
the accounting year's figures you track.
"
"telling lies is a thing that i love,
giving truth the expedient shove.
but though mischief's on show,
i'm a good man, below:
i could not cheat on you... [see above.]
"
"said the captain: ""let's skip the ship's litany
on this leisure-cruise ferry to brittany.
soft and cuddly is best.
as we nudge nearer brest
we may stroke you; we're just being kitteny.""
"
"though i'm thousands of feet in the air,
i feel nausea, misplaced mal de mer.
feel the craft sway and swoop;
see my lunch loop the loop:
i am airsick ? all over my chair.
"
"a baloo, a bruin, a bear:
what toy to these beasts can compare?
your soft arctophilia
could hardly be sillier.
your steiffs can get stuffed ? full of hair.
"
"""a bus is for everyone, dear.
in latin that's omnibus. clear?""
the late rosa parks
could have made these remarks
when she told james f. blake, ""i'll stay here.""
"
"red with rage, i phoned orange support:
""yellow there! look, i'm not the green sort...""
then i turned the air blue,
with some purple prose, too.
that's my autism spectrum, in short.
"
"the absence of water won't trammel
the ""ship of the desert"", the camel.
its food turns to fat
turns to water ? like that!
it's a truly remarkable mammal.
"
"a fisherman's tackle ensures
that his flies are attractive (as lures).
but i want a look
at a meatier hook;
can i have a butcher's at yours?
"
"big and beautiful, blue-bloomed, this boon
is the thistle whose leaves can be chewn
like a celery stick.
look ? i've sketched a quick pic,
a cartoon of the graceful cardoon.
"
"what cato the elder enjoyed
was to say, ""carthage must be destroyed.""
where this city was strewn is
in modern-day tunis ?
yes, cato's advice was deployed.
"
"my dame-dating sister, called sam,
has been pestered for grandkids by mam.
so she's dressed up her dogs
in some old baby togs
and she pushes them round in a pram.
"
"when i take this confection and plunge
in hot water, it just turns to gunge.
the nibbed sugar, mixed peel,
dough and vine fruits congeal.
no, a bath bun's no match for a sponge.
"
"my definitive lyrics' depictions
are fanciful, factual fictions.
i wish i could stop,
but i write till i drop:
i'm too broken to break my addictions.
"
"my beliefs may be called antiquarian,
church of england derived and sectarian,
but to split church and state
would be something i'd hate:
i am antidisestablishmentarian.
"
"""we should quit, you say, quiet and quick,
and redundancy bonuses pick?
well, we've all been attentive;
we've heard your 'incentive';
and now, take your carrot, and stick!""
"
"on my low-growing camomile lawn,
where i danced in the nude until dawn,
my dear wife gives to me
calming camomile tea
laced with prozac; i grin as i yawn.
"
"she has hobbled me, causing me pain,
and she will not release me again.
i'll be tied to my wife
till the end of her life ?
planned for tuesday: goodbye, ball and chain!
"
"it is ""neighbourly envy"".  this sort
of a motive can make a bad sport
spoil your view. (what a meanie!)
aemulatio vicini
means his malice might cost him in court.
"
"erwin schr?dinger places a cat
in a box just to settle a spat
about quantum mechanics:
do feline organics
lose 4.5 lives? figure that!
"
"""want to taste the ship's cat, scurvy dog?
no, it don't catch no rat; it's no mog.
it's a many-lashed flail
that you'll find under sail ?
cat-o'-nine-tails.  you bark an' i'll flog!""
"
"nurse karen is caring on call.
for concerns from the big to the small,
give her number a ring;
she knows just the right thing
to advise (or she guesses it all).
"
"although clothing's what none of them wears,
chins and bodies are covered with hairs;
big and butch, some are fat
(well, the booze sees to that),
being bare, bearded, beer-bellied bears.
"
"just a hammock, a basket, and bark
by a tree-stump in jellystone park
are the residue left,
and poor boo boo's bereft.
(yogi bear fell asleep in the dark.)
"
"""there's no will; and this sad situation
costs cash and delay and frustration.
lest an heir should declare
that you've not taken care,
there's insurance to buy: bond of caution.""
"
"""what's the cause of the damage you claim ?
the immediate cause, which we name
in our culture of laws
as the true 'causing cause'?
what's the real causa causans you blame?""
"
"""you're a link in the chain.  it's been shown
that, although it's not your fault alone,
your contributory hitch
is a 'cause but for which'
he'd be fine: causa sine qua non.""
"
"when it comes to the milk in my brew,
i think camel's is best through and through.
a drop from a dromedary
is nicer than from a dairy;
so's bactrian. (one lump or two?)
"
"i have slaved; now i champ at the bit.
they'll be marking me soon ? this is it.
i shall get it together,
all wrapped up in leather:
i'm ready to bind and submit.
"
"grinding pigments has made me neurotic,
so i'm taking an antipsychotic.
does the drug make me faint
by the pulverized paint?
or is wilting at tint-mills quixotic?
"
"the asylum is suffering cuts;
now it's opened its gates, so that gluts
of rich tourists may pay
to walk round for the day.
there's a warning sign: ""may contain nuts"".
"
"as braemar's horticultural champion,
i've hybridized red and white campion
with catchfly, their kin.
my pinks are so 'in',
i'm the number 1 grower in grampian.
"
"i am through phoning strangers and crawling:
""hello. have you thought of installing
new windows?"" ? it's clear
i've a mining career.
how ironic that mine's a coaled calling.
"
"said young rick, when we boys were alone:
""it's as thick as my wrist. how it's grown!""
but i offered to bet rick
his feat allometric
was not quite as big as my own.
"
"how i wanted to go to the ball!
all my friends went to dance in the hall
in their formal attire
(some their own, some on hire);
stuck at home, i did jitterbugger-all.
"
"there's a call centre worker named bert
who is eager and poised and alert.
but the line never rings.
it's just one of those things
(till one cancels one's phone's call divert).
"
"my optician came clean, for it cleanses:
""i confess i have charged you for lenses
prescribed (i'm a brute)
though your eyesight's acute.
it's not right ? but it's paid for my benzes.""
"
"""see this document: clean bill of lading.
i bought it. you need more persuading?
he signed on the line;
now that cargo is mine.
it's constructive delivery, trading.""
"
"""those are my toys; i want you to hand 'em
to me.  it's not fair! you're so random.
if you don't give them back,
i will launch an attack
in an action ad factum praestandum.""
"
"this aqueduct's quite like my daughter:
though she's shorter (and not made of mortar),
her chair lifts her high;
many homes she'd supply
as she silently sits, passing water.
"
"now, i mainly eat burgers and fries,
but the moment i saw those doe eyes
(or perhaps they were buck)
in my oncoming truck,
i thought, ""bambi and thumper surprise!""
"
"the galop from orph?e aux enfers
sets the cancan, a dance with french flair,
for a line of loose flirts,
kicking high in loose skirts,
wearing nothing but powder down there.
"
"a stained-glass designer named mark,
when commissioned to do noah's ark,
showed us noah and crew
and their wives, two-by-two,
getting down to it ? just for a lark.
"
"old avuncular alf is no fool,
though he's friendly and laughs, as a rule,
and he never forbids?
just gets down with the kids.
don't you dare call my uncle uncool.
"
"a stock market bear bravely dares
to sell high (and deflate?) stocks and shares
which he hasn't yet bought
(when the price drops, he ought!) ?
he ""sells bearskins before catching bears"".
"
"""angiotensin converting enzyme""
makes our editor's blood pressure climb.
ace inhibitors lessen
the level of stress in
his arteries (not in my rhyme).
"
"""from the white house to war, without rancour,
i must go, though for war i don't hanker.
nothing personal means
even one hill of beans.""
(note that ""white house"" translates casablanca.)
"
"happy birthday to sam, from your brother.
yes, we share the same father and mother.
though they're quite an odd lot,
they're the set that we've got,
and we cannot apply for another.
"
"how is helen of troy, zeus's daughter,
linked to lyrical songsmith, cole porter?
to prince alexander
the cyprian planned her
to sing ""i love paris"". (well, sorta.)
"
"i've tried making blini with buckwheat ?
i've tried, but i've not had much luck wi'it!
each pancake or blin
is a little too thin
to 'ave caviar and sour cream stuck wi'it.
"
"lack, alas! for my ass is no more,
and the thistles he used to adore
now adorn his sarcophagus.
i'll miss my cardophagus;
i'll mourn my poor eeyore of yore.
"
"i'm sorry this birthday card's late
and probably not worth the wait.
although, i am told,
you have just got more old,
i cannot remember the date.
"
"what an ill-mannered person was dave:
he just didn't know how to behave.
after supper, well-fed,
he exploded in bed ?
in an act his wife never forgave.
"
"a sea-faring lady called babs
went fishing for whitebait and dabs.
but a hurricane blew:
hunkered down with her crew,
all she ended up catching was crabs.
"
"to some sweet secrets, i am the key-holder:
there's a hedgerow where (don't tell the freeholder!)
the wild honey i like
fills a swarm-guarded byke ?
booty lies in the ""eye"" of the bee-holder.
"
"wounded knee while in nice?  quel dommage!
no french dressing's applied post-triage;
there the talking cure's best ?
flirty nurses will jest
while applying a fresh badinage.
"
"through eyelets, i'm wanting to wheedle
a shoelace.  i see the thread's feed'll
be eased by the taglet,
the aiglet or aglet
(from french aiguillette, ""little needle"").
"
"""mr. spigot, most monopods do
not play tarzan ? they've one leg too few.
now, your right leg: immense hit!
i've nothing against it;
the trouble is, neither have you.""
"
"a gentleman robber called ralph,
apprehended while cracking a salph,
exclaimed, ""me? abscond?
no! my word is my bond.
put the handcuffs away, chaps ? they chalph.""
"
"""hammer down!"" comes the carjack command.
? ""hammer down, son?  i don't understand.""
? ""just accelerate, pops,
and don't stop for the cops.
they don't like us ? we're citizens banned.""
"
"a young, budding lawyer, darina,
drafted contracts for fat nick's marina.
but a word meaning ""keel""
that she'd missed cost the deal...
poor darina: see under carina.
"
"father patrick has launched a crusade,
with liturgical works (dropped and sprayed)
as his weapons: ""this ruction
demands mass destruction,
with this air-to-ground missal i've made.""
"
"since i fear i'm a fat, flabby bloke,
i skip meals and i've started to smoke.
but i still super-sup
(i chow down then chuck up).
i'm bulimic: i binge and i boke.
"
"just who is that pesky wee bloke
who's giving my mum the dry boke?
och, aye, it's my dad ?
jeez, his aftershave's bad!
it's enough to make anyone choke.
"
"when i emailed a poem to sam,
it got lost; it was treated as spam.
it's the sales-pitch or blurb
that the filters should curb!
don't you know, mr. gates, who i am?
"
"when they're oxidized, tea leaves turn black;
this black tea is sold dry, in a sack;
brew with water; drink white
(served with milk), or you might
want it black (with a lacteous lack).
"
"happy birthday! you've just come of age:
time for play ? but a more mature stage.
now you've turned 21,
you'll have loads of man fun:
you're a big boy, by anyone's gauge.
"
"prion proteins can cause this neuropathy.
(farmers, losing their herds for no proper fee,
hid this ""mad cow disease"".)
written out, bse's
bovine spongiform encephalopathy.
"
"""i'm trisexual,"" quipped the young guy,
""if it's sexual, i'll give it a try.""
""that's good,"" laughed the nun,
""i'm bisexual, son ?
if it's sexual, i give it a bye.""
"
"a huntswoman, lady tamara,
eschewed the more usual tiara
and wore on her head
something furry and dead ?
a large rodent she'd capped: capybara.
"
"i've blasphemed: my late grandmother's home
boasts a statue of christ (brought from rome).
as a statement, it's bold,
so, to get the house sold,
i have dressed up our lord as a gnome.
"
"brick red is a russety brown
rarely found in a graduate's gown;
but in bristol and leeds,
educational needs
can be met in the redbrick in town.
"
"pus-filled growth on your skin?  don't recoil ?
wield your lancet like fencer with foil.
but your blade should be keen
and your strike should be clean:
boil your lance before lancing your boil.
"
"crew, we've run out of salt-preserved brisket.
eat an albatross?  no one should risk it!
why not tap out the lice
from flat dough that's baked twice
and enjoy a nice slice of ship's biscuit?
"
"""i don't need a toupee,"" argued davy,
""to make up for lost hair, blond and wavy.
i have trained, for this duty,
a golden agouti
to sit on my head.  clever cavy!""
"
"""mr. tortoise, that's not a fair race!""
cried the hare. ""why, you drove to first place.
and the rules, you know well,
said to stay in your shell ?
they said 'carapace', not 'car apace'.""
"
"ancient rome boasted nobody greater
than julius caesar, dictator.
the czars ruling russia
and kaisers in prussia
were emperors named for him, later.
"
"my reptilian nature you'll see
when i take off my skin and break free.
as you struggle and flail,
looking up at my tail,
see my chevron bones, shaped like a v.
"
"my easter egg's hatched!!! looky! looky!
when it comes to young birds, i'm a rookie:
should i fatten its belly
with worms (vermicelli?)
or feed it a chocolate chick cookie?
"
"""i'm all 'oarse, doc; me cough's a real rasper. it's
bloody 'orrible ? can't smoke me gasper. it's
'ot as 'ell, is me 'ead.""
having heard what he said,
i advised him to take a few aspirates.
"
"while i'm lying, each foot in a stirrup,
the consultant is starting to chirrup.
like a chick's cheerful chatter,
i hear the man natter:
""look, students ? secretions like syrup!""
"
"""i'm the chairman,"" she said, ""not the chair.
if you sit on me, do it with care!
as for chairwoman, no:
please don't label me so.
call me president-ess?  don't you dare...""
"
"knuckle down: if the future is shown
in the way that dice fall when they're thrown,
you mystics might fancy
astragalomancy ?
the art up on which you should bone.
"
"when the veteran singer miss barbra
(lit by twenty-branched, brass candelabra)
played my north yorkshire town,
well, she brought the house down ?
having torched the stage curtains in scarborough.
"
"the astounding young actress miss scott
has what most other women have not.
we are awed and impressed
by what weighs on her chest:
yes, it's double pneumonia she's got.
"
"we are sepal-less flowers (no outers).
though we're naked, it's normal ? don't doubt us.
there's no ""funny business"";
we are just acalycinous.
we're not, of propriety, flouters.
"
"will you lend me some cash, if you've spare?
guess i need a complete change of air.
i find glasgow too wet,
so for sydney i'm set.
please advance my australia fare.
"
"""two negatives,"" so said miss white,
""make a positive.  try as you might,
two positives can't
make a negative, grant.""
at which grant replied, smiling, ""aye right.""
"
"what a bile-biased person is derek,
whose temper is always choleric.
this man's so ill-humoured
and raging, it's rumoured
in ulster he'll make a fine cleric.
"
"albert square sets the scene of a soap
where eastenders might menace or mope.
if you think that tv
is all glamour and glee,
come to walford for gloom and dashed hope.
"
"a herb-growing gardener with verve'll
use chippings to set off his chervil.
what gets scattered with style
is removed from a pile:
it's a serving no longer acerval.
"
"see the f that you'll find if you've found?
the ph when your phenols compound?
the ff stuck in traffic?
they're all allographic:
different ways to ascribe the same sound.
"
"""of the court"" (latin curiae), geeky
top experts are ""friends"" (or amici).
when called to advise,
they give comments most wise.
the extent of their knowledge is freaky.
"
"i am sleepy and somewhat inactive
and the thought of my bed is attractive.
and as for my blanket,
for warmth, i will thank it
(it's electric); its role's calefactive.
"
"a rampant asexual called ricky
said, ""surely you don't want a hickey?
i'll give a chaste kiss;
but much further than this
makes me sick ? it's so icky, and sticky.""
"
"when in spain, or the deli, i seek a
pork sausage enriched with paprika.
it treats tongue and teeth, oh,
does spicy chorizo ?
so chewy for eater and speaker.
"
"i'm a boughtling: i'm free from the hold
of my captors, on payment of gold
by a stranger who says
he's my lost uncle les...
i've been bought, but i'm frankly not sold.
"
"""sweet ophelia's a beauty indeed!
no, she's ugly!"" ? the prince disagreed
with himself.  how thoughts differ!
a babe or a biffer?
""to breed,"" he asked, ""or not to breed?""
"
"though my air guitar's mute and invisible,
my earth flute's so dirty, it's risible.
my fire organ's hot
(i get burnt quite a lot);
but my water horn's flat and unfizzable.
"
"watching sex in the park (i'm a dogger, me),
i see parts open wide in chasmogamy ?
it's a fertile exchange ?
while the shy ones arrange
to have sex with themselves in cleistogamy.
"
"my ventriloquist act was no use,
so goodbye then to 'monty the moose'
and hello to false tresses,
long songs in short dresses,
and the life of a nightclub chanteuse.
"
"what a novice you are!  what a noob!
you're an idiot, man.  you're a boob.
you're a nit, you're a twit,
you're a stupid old git.
you're a fool; you're a tool; you're a choob!
"
"my blind date? mom advised me, ""she's fair?
but no body."" it gave me a scare;
so i waited with dread
for a bodiless head.
seems that mom was describing her hair!
"
"once a year, thanks to needle and knife,
i get given a shiny new wife.
then the wrinkles set in,
and her plasticky skin
is replaced. ah, my dear bag for life!
"
"my poor father fought deep in a trench,
nose to tail in a furrow of stench.
but it tickled my pa
that the shade caca d'oie
means not 'olive' but 'goose poop' in french.
"
"yes, i'll lend you some money, my friend.
here's the contract... this bit near the end?
the acceleration clause ?
which, if payment you pause,
means it's all due back now.  happy spend!
"
"""chin up!"" urged this bloke i half-know.
""don't be sad. disappointment, don't show!
come on up to the bar
on the pull. there you are!
and then down. nine more chin-ups to go!""
"
"it is time for my check-up. the clock
says i'll shortly be seeing the doc
(may that time never come!)
who will check up my bum
and stick metal-tipped swabs up my urethra.
"
"see this advert of smith burton carey's?
it's amazing how prejudice varies!
they've a space ? not for me
(born on march 23):
""wanted: junior for law firm (not aries).""
"
"my chess-playing pen pal's got neck:
""deadly female makes horse hit the deck.
mate in four; victory's set.
send that money you bet.""
i responded: ""your male is in check.""
"
"""my kingdom,"" cried dick, ""for a charger!
all the wealth of a great maharaja
i would give for a steed
or the gizmo i need
to make life in my mobile phone larger.""
"
"i have cherry-picked this. now it's mine!
with this neat little phrase, i define
how i got in there quick
and could pickily pick
what seemed best. for what's left, get in line!
"
"now why would one want to make cheese?
take a cow and then give it a squeeze?
scrape its stomach for rennet?
day nine or day ten, it
will smell like a fungal disease.
"
"""we were drunk!  this apology, ponder:
while you staggered off for a wander,
your boyfriend... chrissakes!
well, they say absence makes...
and it's not just my heart that grew fonder.""
"
"let us thunder again brontosaurus
(""thunder lizard"") ? a name we can chorus.
but apatosaur's weak
(""tricksy lizard"" in greek) ?
we've been cheated by who came before us!
"
"""have you been to the barber this week?""
asked a woman who thought i looked chic.
i replied ""i've not gone,
but my way i am on:
i am being to him as we speak.""
"
"with the winners declared, ams
gives the losers a chance of success
if their party competes
for the regional seats
on a top-up list (pr, i guess).
"
"there are many good words you should know
en fran?ais.  as regards ?-propos,
such remarks might amuse.
if they do, you might choose
to describe them as someone's ""bons mots"".
"
"door to door, hear my father complain:
""not another steep staircase again?!
ooh! my knees are near wrecked
and i'm barely erect!""
that's his council election camp pain.
"
"i am frankly too old to be styled
as a youngster, hormonal and wild.
i'm as adult as you, dad!
(although this is true, dad,
i'll never stop being your child.)
"
"if you hanker for spherical melons,
come to france ? grab a handful of helen's.
nose that sweet flesh you want
(orange ? sunned in charentes).
yes, her charentais melons are swell uns.
"
"for a while, as the fire burns bright,
my fire pit's lit up with light.
but now it's a dark hole
with remnants of charcoal ?
wood cooked to the colour of night.
"
"he's a coward, that cheating old liar.
he told me, ""i'm leaving you"" ? via
a telegram! why,
if i find him, he'll die!
but he's hiding behind chicken wire.
"
"""a battuta!  please stick to the beat:
don't slow down; don't speed up; don't compete.
no more 'sweet syncopation'.
if you flout the notation,
your battuta i'll mark with my feet.""
"
"a nuclear plant and neglect...
explosion!  environment wrecked!
the patience of job'll
be due till chernobyl
has ceased in its caesium effect.
"
"""why, of course i look young,"" argued cicely,
""since i dress with great style, but not prissily.""
it's a trade-off, in truth:
she has bargained for youth,
while her picture grows grisly and gristly.
"
"when my bag for life finally tore,
they replaced it for free at the store.
polypropylene's tough;
they recycle the stuff,
when the bags are past use, to make more.
"
"cash gathered to chancellor's glee:
the cat gets the cream, goes ""tee-hee!
charging gifts, trade's controlled;
garnered takings cost gold.""
this coin-gleaning tithe's ""cgt"".
"
"a caretaker works at the zoo,
taking care of the grounds. when a coup
gets a government felled,
till elections are held,
that regime is a caretaker too.
"
"a chaplain assigned to the forces,
who prays for young men (as his course is),
makes detailed enquiry
and notes in his diary:
""the men are all huge: cf horses.""
"
"dr. a has the best bedside manner:
""same again, please"", she marks my drug planner,
using latinized greek;
as she brushes my cheek,
dr. anna, for ana, writes ""??"".
"
"here's what dorian didn't quite say:
""though we're young and attractive today,
when your body has aged
and my lust is assuaged,
i'll still love you when you're 'oldin' gray.""
"
"for united, i led the attack
and i scored; but the bastard in t'black
said the goal's disallowed
'cause some player got fouled ?
well, that ref nearly got a good smack!
"
"they're confections, the claims for whose sake
we invade; we refine what's at stake.
lawless war? who dare risk it?
the brits take the biscuit.
the americans?  they take the cake.
"
"up at oxford, i made ? from supplies
of a cloth fit for soldiers' disguise ?
a spoof banner or swag.
it's the scam ou flag
every anti-war protest march flies.
"
"bishops' bible and coverdale's balm
is a treacle too sticky to calm
their most sulphurous burn.
read your potter and learn,
in his brimstone and treacle, this qualm.
"
"on the greenwich observatory's dome,
a dropped ball signals noon.  [time in nome
(bet): 1 a.m.]
at the palace, for them,
bearing standard time's ""'bet is at home"".
"
"like the crim in his cell, feeling hollow,
this sentence is too hard to swallow.
to tell ya da truth, ya
see anacoluthia,
whose grammar which just doesn't follow.
"
"in my own university town,
""dressing up"" means white tie and a gown,
plus a hood or a bonnet.
(the stains they get on it
should get academics dressed down.)
"
"""just digestives and squash? what a scanty dote!
auntie jean gives me flapjacks of candied oat,
with a nice cup of tea.
i'll be fine when i see
auntie dote and a tea-and-oat antidote.""
"
"in the arctic, ice deserts abound;
further south, ice desserts are what's found.
arctic roll: one slice each,
topped with half a tinned peach;
ice cream core with jam sponge wrapped around.
"
"doctor kern says to spurn coffee urns:
""'like a red, red rose', scalded skin turns.""
though she's not an m.b.,
her scots lit ph.d.
makes her expert in third-degree burns.
"
"my! the house you've been building looks grand!
are you sure it's been built where you planned?
if you measure the plot,
you'll find i own the lot,
for the building accedes to the land.
"
"the word buzzword is often a jibe
at a concept that's hard to describe
or ineffably dull,
or whose meaning is null ?
whose nomenclature strives for a vibe.
"
"don't rile jacqui, whatever you do,
or she'll try out her kendo on you.
with the blows and the cries
of her shinai surprise,
you will hear, as it hits you: ""bam! boo!""
"
"""what's the matter, then?  you can tell me,""
he enquired, avuncularly.
""is it girlfriends' demands?
'uncle stan' understands.""
then i felt his right hand on my knee...
"
"it's a shade that is wont to depress
for, of lightness, there couldn't be less.
all this blackness means gloom ?
like dundonian doom
that you'll find in the heart of blackness.
"
"the skin which my razor blades slish'll
soon heal; the result's cicatricial.
with my arms marked and marred,
i'm aesthetically scarred.
(you must suffer for art; that's official.)
"
"do you think colorado, dear iain,
is a state i'd be happy to be in?
if you begged me to visit,
it's not too loathsome, is it,
to get dragged off to aspen for skiin'?
"
"""home-grown salad?"" you ask. i say: ""rather!
my saliva's worked up to a lather.""
it's mum's dressing i drip
on the chicory tip
sprung from work, in the sun, of my father.
"
"around cardiganshire, southwest wales,
there are cats with more toes (and more nails!)
than ten front and eight back.
yes, most cardiff cats lack
what a cardi-cat's gene pool entails.
"
"civil law has two meanings, you'll find.
there's the private, non-criminal kind
and the codes said to be
based on roman law, see?
oh, you don't see?  like justice, you're blind.
"
"fare thee well [""bene vale"" means that in
my old abbey's habitual latin],
blessed virgin [they here go
""beata"" then ""virgo""];
i have sung you my very last matin.
"
"with a strike like a fast-darting adder's,
he is flicking his way up the ladders
of amateur sport
on the badminton court.
you might say that he's badass at badders.
"
"buzzing round, like the famed blue-arsed fly,
i am watching my buttock prints dry.
i washed off the acrylic,
but skin's chromophilic ?
it has taken the hue of the dye.
"
"he's a cheater, ""ye caterer of yore""
who's provided pre-baked petits-fours
to be placed on each saucer;
but, thanks to dear chaucer,
i might call the man achatour.
"
"he's bourgeois and he's dull and he's pootery
and his journeys are mainly commutery;
but he's off to french shores,
where he's heard they cure bores,
for a fare that is known as charcuterie.
"
"my nonna likes cooking, and how!
for one meal, she can use a whole cow.
though i try to say ""basta!""
she piles on the pasta.
each time that we meet, she says ""chow!""
"
"tea for one: surely nothing is easier?
re-boil water you've twice left to freeze, yeah?
pour on bag; leave to stew.
nuke; forget; re-nuke too.
(yes, i suffer from beverage amnesia.)
"
"there's a bang at the door ? rap tap tap ?
and the noise wakes me up from my nap.
who's that knocking me up?
it's a man with a cup:
""any sugar?"" (why, yes, for this chap.)
"
"so el toro's completely controlled,
the matador's capework is bold.
with each twist and each pull,
it outwits the fierce bull;
what a caper! a sight to behold.
"
"""eyes forward! look happy! say cheese!""
the photographer said, on his knees ?
for he prayed that the crowd
would smile widely, out loud ?
but some mourners are so hard to please.
"
"outside hampden, with hearts playing hibs,
there are hooligans tooled up with chibs
(ready weapons at hand
that might seem quite unplanned).
walk on by, or get chibbed in the ribs.
"
"fibs my brother, ""i haven't a bean.""
so the cheat chooses cheap cheese cuisine.
but some finely sliced slivers
are all he delivers.
he's cheeseparing, meaning he's mean.
"
"there once was a woman called barb
who donned the most curious garb:
a blouse made of bacon
and skirts stitched with steak on.
(she thought she'd look thinner low-carb.)
"
"there was an old woman from putney
who turned human flesh into chutney.
her bone bread (how hellish!)
she ate with such relish
as sated her cannibal glutt'ny.
"
"i am hard and quite brittle, while she's
much more yielding and easy to squeeze.
i do school; she does deli
(dusty dry; moist and smelly).
you could say we are like chalk and cheese.
"
"there is a young fellow called steve
who is gullible, green and na?ve.
buy him lager and lime
and, in quite a short time,
it's incredible what he'll believe.
"
"as a sponge, acanthella is tickly;
as a plant, it has seed-heads all prickly;
as a parasite's stage
between egg and of age,
it might make your intestines feel sickly.
"
"""since i married young wanda,"" said reece,
""i have not had a moment of peace,
'cos she talks night and day.
when will i get my say?
and will wanda's,"" he asked, ""never cease?""
"
"it takes fuel to coat iron with zinc,
fire clay, or make plastic.  we think
that a ""green"" graphite basin
should take pride of place in
our bathroom: our own carbon sink.
"
"a darling young couple from nairn
loved nana, their dog, like a bairn.
now they mourn their cairn terrier,
pile stones where they'll bury her,
then bear nana's bier to her cairn.
"
"bob dylan, true voice of this land,
had some beers with his backing group planned.
but the barman said, ""bob,
it would cost me my job
to serve drinks to the bard and the band.""
"
"a guest came with sweaters to spare
and wanted to store them; but where?
i told him, ""don't forage
for under-bed storage.
just look: cedar chest sitting there.""
"
"since it's honesty folk are demanding,
to the press, all my sexploits i'm handing.
will the voters respect me?
they ought to elect me:
the candidest candidate standing.
"
"as a schoolboy at eton (that hole)
i had latin infused in my soul.
with a smile fresh and gladsome,
i'd pipe up with ""adsum""
(""i'm present"") at absence (the roll).
"
"there's a language that's partly inflected
(by its form, the past tense is detected);
but it's more analytic
(the syntax is critic-
al; word order must be inspected).
"
"viagra, so says my adviser,
is sildenafil, trademarked by pfizer.
the blue diamonds i'm fed
mean i'm longer in bed,
though i'm lately the earliest riser.
"
"the varsity boat club, it rocks!
each oarsman's as strong as an ox.
these rollocking oxen
are steered by a cockswain:
they all pull to the beat of their cox.
"
"it's a death blow, to ditch a young lass
who's all lovesick ? but noble, not crass.
for a french-speaking boffin,
that nail in the coffin
or mercy strike's called coup de gr?ce.
"
"in his head, there were elves and a star when
he decided to name his child arwen.
and his tolkienesque daughter?
sci-fi/fantasy caught her.
did she ought to blame daddy or darwin?
"
"there once was a woman called marcia,
than whom there was nobody classier.
no nobles who met her
could out-etiquette her,
nor had they an accent cut-glassier.
"
"if you're stuck for a noun that will do
(though it may be a verb often, too)
to mean ""helpful suggestion""
or ""devious question"",
there's one that i know. need a clue?
"
"they're so pleased with their new baby boy
that they call him their bundle of joy.
but, to cut him some slack,
they will christen him jack.
(the name bundle, in time, might just cloy.)
"
"i'm sure life, for the dead, must be tedium.
why flaunt, at a s?ance, your glee tae 'em?
if you're a clairvoyant,
do not be too buoyant:
ghosts go for a less happy medium.
"
"with a body off baywatch, he's hot ?
from a distance.  up close, not a lot!
face off crimewatch, his mug's
like a plug-ugly thug's.
he's a bobfoc; most wanted, he's not.
"
"that young brewer who bottles the beer
has some bottled-up anger, it's clear,
for he made as to bottle
his boss on the noddle ?
but he bottled it, yielding to fear.
"
"civil war is, alas, rarely fought
in a manner that gentlemen ought.
vying citizens meet
in the field and the street,
laying claim, laying waste to what's sought.
"
"breed your tiniest chickens late fall
and their brood should be slightly more small.
that is how you can bantamize.
size gets a planned demise;
short is the new not-that-tall.
"
"it takes three pints of beer that i've sunk
for my bladder to fill.  then kerplunk!
though relief i may feel,
once i've broken the seal,
i'll be peeing each drink soon as drunk.
"
"my blind date was a bit of a bag
(well, she looked like a wrestler in drag).
but with chat came hilarity...
the dinner was clarety...
so i gave her a charity shag.
"
"when unveiling a plaque at the station,
the mayor will cite a citation.
the sight of the site
where commuters alight
has incited his honor's oration.
"
"maeve o'dilf asks the shop for ""a chip""
when she wants a whole bag (not one dip);
jock mccann, a scots bloke,
will request ""a wee poke"" ?
without fear of the law's long-armed grip.
"
"come and celebrate not being celibate,
having someone with whom feelings gel a bit.
here's to meetings of minds
and the physical kinds
of affection that make bodies swell a bit.
"
"i'm the state's largest liquor provider
and my product range keeps getting wider.
as a taster, young sue
gave me apple juice brew ?
and i'm hoping i'll soon be in cider.
"
"the cithara: praise thence and thither!
chitarrone, guitar, quitra, zither
may claim as their sire
this sound-chested lyre,
a large, ancient greek proto-cither.
"
"""a nice structural member,"" said will.
""horizontal and straight fits the bill.
if it's stuck at the bottom
(most openings have got 'em),
your wood or whatever's a cill.""
"
"a coffee shop offers so much:
cups of tea, hand-baked cookies and such.
for some their employment
involves joint enjoyment ?
if you're stony, it's best to go dutch.
"
"i don't need the fine wine or the mood
ristoranti provide.  to be wooed
really isn't required.
at first sight, i desired
you ? thunderstruck.  blame coup de foudre.
"
"her career brought her riches and glamour.
she'd be seen; paparazzi would clamor.
but careering she went
in a spiraled descent
into drugs and a life in the slammer.
"
"a calling as if from above?
a damsel as meek as a dove
for to serve, in knight's armour,
lest man or beast harm her?
that's chivalry's chaste courtly love.
"
"up till 10pm sharp, polling day,
i had not told the voters i'm gay.
now the ballots are cast
and they're sorting them fast,
i am out for the count, as they say.
"
"this limerick's all about dan,
whose tribute in verse just began.
it started quite well
and the middle looks swell
but i'm not all that confident that the ending's going to scan.
"
"prince charming, bereft, found a clue
in the shape of the runaway's shoe:
""game's afoot, future bride.
you can run but not hide;
if i find what this fits, i'll find you.""
"
"my ex-parrot, a norwegian blue,
pines no more for the fjords it once knew.
now this overgrown budgie
has a perch in the cludgie,
where it's nailed, hanging over the loo.
"
"cinderella looked swell; soon as seen,
she was favourite to be the next queen.
but she left the ball shoeless
and prince charming clueless:
just who had that masked stranger been?
"
"""jon anderson, won't you confess
that your solo career brought success?
that your band (what's its name?)
gave you prog-rockers fame?
that your lyrics were strange?"" he said: ""yes.""
"
"while in paris, some vampires did flatter me
and i showed them my inner anatomy.
but the frenchy phantasmata
found my chiasmata
too cross-like and said ""on y va"" to me.
"
"serve returned, blocking slice ? chip and charge ?
to the net i immediately barge,
wearing tennis whites fee'd
where a card code gets keyed.
(chip and pin made my visa bill large.)
"
"are you witnessing word ingenuity
or a feat of superb superfluity?
or is all that i say
in this roundabout way
a display of surpassing circuity?
"
"in a cathode ray tube, coatings wrap
round the glass.  aquadag helps to trap
stray electrons and slow
any spikeage in flow.
(it's not ""fish poo""; that's cod-derived crap.)
"
"it's c10h18o, for short,
found in lemongrass plants, they report.
citronellal smells fab!
it's produced in my lab
to make perfume and sweet lemon torte.
"
"in cambridge, they give third degrees
to the students back late after teas.
post-gin, vague and dawdlin',
don't hang around magdalene;
though drunk, you must not lose your caius.
"
"if actors are cattle, the byre
is a place to which herds may aspire.
more equipped than church halls,
with its flies and its stalls,
it's a neat place for fifers to hire.
"
"""sugar, sugar""-sweet, drawn with a pen,
were the archies; the famed 1910
fruitgum company, whom,
in the bubblegum boom,
they had aped (""simon says""), were real men.
"
"the waste that gets piped from my toilet
comes here, where i have to ensoil it.
this watery mess bit
is known as a cesspit.
(that idyll you dream ? this'll spoil it.)
"
"with an ablative absolute clause
now provided, the author may pause
and continue his burble
(in which a main verb'll
be found, per grammatical laws).
"
"where ceiling meets wall, meet the master:
the moulding (ornate, wood or plaster)
with which to adorn is
a strip called a cornice ?
the tops, like this carver and caster.
"
"anne o'toole is no stranger to courts
(prostitution breeds legal reports).
like her mother and daughters, anne
trained as a courtesan
under judges and barrister sorts.
"
"it's her son's war-avoidance that wrecked her;
now her neighbours no longer respect her.
as a conchie, young howard
is branded a coward,
not a brave conscientious objector.
"
"contact lenses: dished discs one applies,
if they're tinted, perhaps as disguise
or to sharpen one's vision ?
a painful decision,
but at least there is sight for sore eyes.
"
"have you ever seen such a cute coot?
just admit it: the bird is a beaut.
its attractiveness fails?
have you gone off the rails,
you unwarm-to-black-waterfowl brute?!
"
"some real butter, a genuine knob,
is the taste that i want in my gob
to combine with the nibs
wrapped round maize ears in ribs.
(that's your corn on your actual cob.)
"
"me?  revise?  well, i don't mean to boast,
but i don't work that hard; i just coast.
i can learn things with ease
and exams are a breeze.
half an hour i will study, at most.
"
"a ventriloquist's life can be tough
if his lips move.  but take peter brough:
though on stage archie's act
should have got the man sacked,
on the wireless it worked well enough.
"
"i'm a pen-pusher; paper, i park;
i find filing an art that is dark.
yes, i do admin work.
you might call me a clerk;
but, in britain, i'm always a clerk.
"
"for this outdoorsy, gardening rhymer,
there is no smell on earth that's sublimer
than a rose reaching high ?
'cept a rock-roving guy.
it's ascent that betokens the climber.
"
"for this evening, i've no menu planned,
only leftovers ? hope they're not bland.
with the pudding, of course,
there's vanilla milk sauce,
but tonight is my custard's last stand.
"
"you can tell i'm a colourful fellow:
all mixed up, every tone (bright or mellow)
i am primed to supply;
for, you see, cmy
stands for cyan, magenta and yellow.
"
"we are welcoming tony tonight,
come to britain to make britain right.
as he leaflets our stairs,
his professional airs
see him smile, giving service, mid-flight.
"
"little daisy, thou art the day's eye
who winkest at length at the sky.
thou ope'st at first light,
flashing lashes of white;
come the eve, thou begin'st to play shy.
"
"isn't copperplate writing ornate?
like a burin indenting the plate,
curly curves, i will stick 'em
in a style set by bickham
in my long flowing letters of hate.
"
"i am latin: in sum, you can tell
from my parties (ain't mix-and-match swell?)
that i'm copulative ?
no objection to give,
but i do take a complement well.
"
"""your honour, i killed mum and dad,
but think on these words that i add:
have mercy, be mild;
i'm a poor orphan child."" ?
that's chutzpah, the nerve of a cad.
"
"my dad serves with side-spin in sport
but deals more directly in court.
he's a hard-working bloke
who's a slave to a joke.
well, that is my father in short.
"
"cu2pb5co3
(so4)3(oh)6, to me,
signals caledonite ?
rhomboid crystals a bright
blue or green.  (found in scotland, you see.)
"
"""you tell me your trousers feel roomy, a-
typically so.  so you'll sue me, eh?
if not, stop your yammer.
your vids, mr hammer,
need drama.  please trust your costumier.""
"
"the 'karate girls' sing from their hearts,
but they dance from more intimate parts.
they perform special shows
using empty-hand blows.
see them move to the chop of the tarts.
"
"bells and smells can denote the high church,
where the congregants stand, kneel and perch
to observe, as they're tolled,
all the offices ? cold,
and avoiding the thurible's lurch.
"
"our arabian camel (one hump),
seeing poor punctuation, will grump.
our proofreading dromedary,
if we've not commaed re-
sponsibly, spits like a pump.
"
"though you're lonely and drink-reminiscing,
should you really be hugging and kissing
a man full of booze,
knuckles scraping his shoes?
that's a link that should surely stay missing.
"
"diogenes cynically slated:
""some aspects of homer seem dated.""
this ancient greek dawg meant
that, lacking an augment,
the aorist's tense is unstated.
"
"""the defender now seeks a decree
of absolvitor, granting 'that he
be absolved'.  i ask, coyly,
the court to assoilzie
my client and let him go free.""
"
"use a circle graph, i would advise,
to show subsets of different size.
for each part of your whole,
see its relative role
writ with thick or thin pieces of pies.
"
"the trouble i took was extensive.
the flowers i gave were expensive.
the chocolates i chose?
hand-picked, like my nose.
how does she find my charm offensive?
"
"cheap and cheerful, my new pair of shoes
didn't cost much; i'd not much to lose.
though they're not built to last,
they get sold pretty fast.
the well-heeled may prefer jimmy choo's.
"
"they had slept in the land of the kipper;
from the sea, they were hauled by a skipper.
their bodies were battered
and set to be spattered
with red after leaving the chipper.
"
"we lumberjacks two like to hack woods,
then crack woods, then stack woods, then pack woods.
my buddy and me
are as close as can be:
for each other, we'd bend over backwards.
"
"in cynghanedd, a bardic incanter
read a ream. (would his scheme had been scanter!)
""occlude all? a cloud'll"" ?
an ordeal in awdl
began with this most obscure banter.
"
"when i winked at a brassy-skinned lass,
she spoke brassily, hand on her ass:
""baby, this costs a lot.
how much brass have you got?"" ?
i was brassed off: the girl was a brass!
"
"when young conrad got caught stealing bronze,
iron bars sealed his fate.  out he swans,
having learnt from the pros
all the ruses he knows;
there are cons to con's conning cons' cons.
"
"with results for your a-levels nearing,
do not fear what i fear you are fearing.
you'll have passed well enough ?
or, if not, though it's tough,
a new offer may come via clearing.
"
"""you were part of the plan from the start
and are clearly of criminal heart.
although you weren't the one
who was holding the gun,
you are guilty, young man, art and part.""
"
"my friend keeps a small chicken flock
and he's proud of his prize-winning cock.
it stands at nine inches;
with judges, the clinch is
its poise ? firm as old plymouth rock.
"
"let me show you a conjuring trick.
no, my legerdemain isn't slick,
but by chanting a spell
(walking backwards as well)
i can summon my master, old nick.
"
"a group of young men ? maybe twenty ?
each handsome and dapper and genty
would grace my utopia,
a sweet cornucopia
supplying this fruit horn aplenty.
"
"this here printer seems dandy to me;
it's just run out of ink, can't you see?
order now, and get sent a
new cyan, magenta
and yellow ? though black is the key.
"
"there was a wee bairn they called hamish
(a name that's quite rare and not same-ish).
his parents, once wild,
with the birth of their child
became ever-so-slightly more tame-ish.
"
"the queen was both wicked and wise.
'twas a cruel, cunning plan she'd devise:
""if i get her to bite,
i can poison snow white.
all i need is a clever disguise...""
"
"""nice and easy,"" she said, ""easy-peasy!
it is good that my work is so breezy.
no, it isn't that nice,
but the concepts i splice.
to my clients, i'm both nice and easy.""
"
"don't american airs make you laugh, eh?
when they say ""a caf?"" to mean caf? ?
what a gaffe!  for this gaff
is a plain, british caff
where the food you'd grade ""f"" and the staff ""a"".
"
"in this program (my child and my creature),
there's a cute little quirk that i'll teach ya:
enter zero amount
and it wipes your account.
(no, it isn't a bug; it's a feature.)
"
"my wood looks so good on its outer:
its edges and corners i router.
i don't care a damn for
a flat, bevelled chamfer;
i fillet (of angles, a flouter).
"
"our figures, all wobbly, are dipping.
our outfits are visibly slipping,
some straining and weak;
your company we seek
to remove them, for cash ? asset stripping.
"
"a consumption tax? that's a cruel fate!
why should folks with tb pay a ? wait!
it's that money we lose
(when we buy what we use)
at a sickening, breathtaking rate.
"
"if you fancy a brief intermission,
the adulterous bible's position
on the marital 'not'
is quite loose (they forgot).
it's the ultimate bedside edition.
"
"my grandma was ill (which upset her),
so i bought her a soft cashmere sweater.
well, i just cannot bear
to hug coarse woollen wear;
this should help make her feel a bit better.
"
"it's a fiddly and finicky job
to be filleting woodcock or squab,
so i've baked a male swan
with some maize meal put on ?
back to basics, it's corn on the cob.
"
"when conducting routine operations,
i play handel and bach orchestrations.
but my scalpel hit scherzo;
i wasn't alert, so
i slipped!  (i just blamed ""complications"".)
"
"i know an old witch from east govan,
the most welcoming crone in the coven.
when they come for black mass,
she asks, ""fancy a glass
of mulled blood?  there's a child in the oven.""
"
"my dad raises funds for the rotary,
along with a circle, or coterie,
of like-minded fellows
who drive things with bellows
and pistons and gearings all motor-y.
"
"""do not ride on a coach that's a bus,""
said our coach (our instructor) to us.
""but i will not disparage
a coach (railway carriage).
my motto's 'more training; less fuss'.""
"
"while some art, and some lifestyles, might chime
with the dominant mood of the time,
for a less mainstream feast
read my worktop with yeast ?
counter-culture's alive in my rhyme.
"
"though my love of french wine is well-known,
i would rather not drink it alone.
come with me, my young feller,
to my burgundy cellar;
get your mouth round some fine vintage beaune.
"
"the prizes they'll want to be snaffling
are not these here boards that you're raffling.
they may dampen sound
as the air flows around,
only who'd want to win one?  it's baffling.
"
"""this mud-wrestlers' meet-up you mention,
do all need attend, no abstention?""
""folk usually go,
but the answer is no,
they don't have to ? it's just a convention.""
"
"the queen, through her court ministerial
(command is delivered in serial),
craves nectar, all pollen-y,
to feed her whole colony.
by nature, she's anty-imperial.
"
"of a study or subject, it's rife
to proclaim that it's been brought to life ?
made less dull, trite or alien.
but the work of pygmalion
was so lively, he made it his wife.
"
"convertibility: something convertible
is capable (so it's assertable)
of being converted.
perhaps, if i flirted,
your issues with men would be skirtable?
"
"my pin-up girl? that's margaret thatcher.
no latter-day tory can match her.
though my fancies aren't blue,
my right arm follows through
as my swift wrist-flicked missiles dispatch her.
"
"there was a grand lady named fugler
whose advent was hailed by a bugler.
but fanfares aren't free;
on arrival, now, she
simply toots a kazoo, to be frugaler.
"
"though my thoughts are reflective, they're dark.
i've lost drive; i can't shift out of ""park"".
stressed to kill, i sit still
and go slowly downhill
until ? who? ? finds the key to my spark...
"
"at the theatre, my choice is quite stark:
either nothing or nothing. it's dark.
all the lights are on, though;
but they don't have a show.
so i'll go make a scene in the park.
"
"though municipal means are quite meagre,
for advice our electees are eager.
to this end, large amounts'll
be spent by the council
on fact-finding trips to antigua.
"
"""so you're schr?dinger's lab-mate, no blag?
does it purr, then?"" i purred (not to nag).
and he told me (sly fox)!
well, he opened the box
and he let the cat out of the bag.
"
"'twas a dalliance, briefly defined
as when bodies (and hearts?) are entwined
for a trivial fling.
now he's gone, here's the thing:
i just can't get him out of my mind.
"
"what is current? the old currant bun
shows some has-been in ""vodka-fuelled fun""
on a ""kinky sex cruise"".
are such tattered tales news?
guess they photo-degrade in the sun.
"
"on a hillside, some grass said he saw
a red tail in my foxhound's red maw.
the police said, ""that's banned;
but no charges are planned.""
well, so much for my brush with the law.
"
"""i will bet you this disc of gene pitney's
and a couple of tankards of whitney's
that there's no rhyme for pint.""
""well, my welsh friend geraint
says i'm owed 'just one smile' and two britneys.""
"
"it's a plane, the plain sycamore tree.
acer sycamore maple may be
what canadians cadge
for their maple-leaf badge;
but my buttonwood better suit me.
"
"there were trees in the cutover; but
now it's over for them ? they've been cut.
now the forest is clear,
will it just disappear?
is america open and shut?
"
"by using coaxial cable,
your video signal's more stable.
there's less interference:
transmission adherence
that sleeve-wrapped-round-core will enable.
"
"""sheilab, are you mother to kyle?
kyle broflovski from south park?"" ? denial:
""what, what, what?! that's not me
(i exist in 3d);
that meshuggenah's just not my style.""
"
"my dog's not allowed on the couch ?
i sprayed weedkiller on it; don't grouch
that i won't let my pooch
on the wheatgrass-like couch.
(boy, that quick grass is quick, i can vouch!)
"
"i don't mean to be picky and pestery,
but when glass, stained and harlequin-jestery,
lights a high, not-too-near storey
in a church, that's the clerestory,
is that clear?  please don't call it cler-es-tor-y!
"
"now, a cat has nine lives, so they say.
though they usually land the right way
and they fall on their feet,
dodging dangers a treat,
like their luck, they'll expire one day.
"
"my australian fellow, dear cobber,
would you care to explain your odd clobber?
why the corks round your hat,
one shoe heeled, one shoe flat,
full-length gown and a mask like a robber?
"
"little teeth grow all over my skin,
from my snout to my proud dorsal fin.
they help cut through the ocean.
my swift, silent motion
you'll notice too late, with chagrin.
"
"the lord of the manor might hand
a copyhold parcel of land
to a poor english peasant ?
a middle age present
for work carried out to command.
"
"for partridges, pear trees, and worse,
i do not have the means to disburse;
wrapping ivy and holly
would surely be folly;
so your gift is this christmassy verse.
"
"my employers could do with a shake-down.
an account of their firm, they should take down
(see the figures in detail
for outlays and retail).
they refused. that's why i had the breakdown.
"
"bye-bye, butter, milk, yoghurt and cheese.
there are sugars and proteins in these
of which i must be wary:
allergic to dairy,
i don't want to scratch, belch or wheeze.
"
"mellow yellow, you're dear to my heart
(well, my arteries clog for a start).
pastry-based, goo-filled treat,
nutmeg-topped, smooth and sweet ?
yet they label you ""egg custard tart"".
"
"go  out quickly, and charge at the net,
or be patient while winning your set.
and if your tennis scheme
proves supreme for your team
it's the davis cup trophy they'll get.
"
"see the skill at the fishmonger's stand.
he can fillet whatever they land:
herring, haddock, hake, huss ?
turned to goujons, no fuss.
want fish fingers? this man's a dab hand.
"
"a dancefloor? well, that is a floor
which you dance on. that's it. you want more?
to the music you dance
(e.g. wiggle, slide, prance)
on a floor (level surface) therefor.
"
"there's a fish in lake erie that's now come
to extinction.  yet here it is.  how come?
the blue walleye i've got
is undoubtedly not
strizostedion vitreum glaucum.
"
"a trabant bids a cowpat he meets a
""hallo! i'm a car from the streets, sir.
what are you? please advise.""
then the cowpat replies:
""you're a car? if you are, i'm a pizza!""
"
"since an adscript is bound to the land,
he submits to each new lord's demand.
what a pity this serf,
who has come with the turf,
has to grind on the ground for the grand.
"
"wolf-dog half-breeds, are demi-wolves ""dogs""?
so it's said ? as we find in the logs.
those who deal banquo's death
in act iii of macbeth
are called ""men"", though they're monsters in togs.
"
"i've extracted, from mould in my basin,
a metabolite, cytochalasin.
cell structure's attacked in
its latching to actin.
now what should i wash hands and face in?
"
"i'm a lush, an old rou?, a cad;
can't recall all the lovers i've had;
i'm a victim of vice ?
which i find rather nice.
no, debauchedness isn't that bad.
"
"the embezzler with bosses to trick'll
take a cut, like a swipe with a sickle.
but, sooner or later,
that sly defalcator
may reap for himself quite a pickle...
"
"good king wenceslas' cook is on leave on
a rather remiss feast of stephen;
so he orders and eats a
thick, well-risen pizza.
his meal? deep-pan, crispy and even.
"
"father, son, holy ghost, coeternal,
ever were, ever will be, supernal.
not yet flesh, not yet flame,
there was word all the same.
(of incendiary books, i will burn all.)
"
"split black lentils (first soaked, drained and ground)
with ground rice (also soaked) you compound;
salt; ferment; then you're closer
to making dough dhosa;
press your cr?pes; fry in ghee until browned.
"
"as a mathematician, my ex
sought that order be followed in sex.
give him 100 'wows' and
he'd then want 1000!
divided, our difference: one dex.
"
"the dagesh in hebrew, en bref,
doubles m and makes p out of f.
centre/left, it's a dot
halfway up. (strew it not:
to turn fig into pig would be tref.)
"
"""i am it!"" cried the mad dr. rendall,
""best geneticist ? greater than mendel.
i control dna;
life itself will obey
a new god. i'm the be all and end all.""
"
"in the boston-based sitcom called cheers,
sam malone (cast: ted danson) appears.
the ex-baseballer's pitch
is a bar, within which
norm and cliff exchange jeers over beers.
"
"she'd diagnose ills, and he'd note 'em.
the bmj hailed ""cello scrotum"".
but now she recalls
their research was just balls
and an instrument. don't go and quote 'em.
"
"aargh! this town's full of brash adolescents.
let me leave and enjoy delitescence.
i'll retire and hide;
in seclusion i'll bide.
i'll have fun, shooting pheasants and peasants.
"
"that flak jacket's shot ? it's distressed.
to unpick it for charpie is best.
let the nurse wrap your shin in
those straight strands of linen.
at least get your war-wound well-dressed.
"
"at the abattoir, pete was in shock:
stood stock-still as he stared at the stock.
he no longer could hack it
in meat-cutting's racket
because of severe butcher block.
"
"he's a has-been of fast-fading fame,
and now nobody knows him by name.
see him dressed up in drag
as a pantomime hag.
there is 'nothing', they say, like a dame.
"
"the entire congregation was shocked
to find reverend johnson defrocked.
you should see this man lay,
de-ordained from this day,
by the church whose foundations he rocked.
"
"""drop the roses and kiss me, you coward!""
she exclaimed. ""make me yield, overpowered!
pin me down and explore!
make me maiden no more!""
so i kissed her, hands free and deflowered.
"
"the happy-go-lucky young holly
is bouncy, all perky and jolly.
the reason, i've found:
""every drink costs ?1"" ?
getting trolleyed has swallowed less lolly.
"
"by the grace of god, queen of her realm,
it is he who put her at the helm.
but on coins, it looks classier
to write dei gratia
(dg, lest the length overwhelm).
"
"at a bus stop, a bus ought to stop;
at request stops, you might have to pop
out a hand (if you're hailing)
or, button availing,
go buzz (""off the bus let me hop"").
"
"you're a limpet, mum; stick with it yet.
about wrinkles and ridges, don't fret.
fill them in, you apostate?
remain crebricostate ?
with ribs (just like us) tightly set.
"
"though for some people, staff cuts are crappy,
i can't wait to get out ? demob happy.
no more soldiering on
once that battlefield's gone.
my redundancy cheque? make it snappy!
"
"since his vision's completely daltonic,
blood and ordure, like grass, seem harmonic.
to undo this utopia
(due to deuteranopia)
would make him see green. how ironic!
"
"with a tie, not a gun, round my neck
my new demob suit seems up to spec:
double-breasted by type,
navy blue, with a stripe ?
though i wanted redundancy check.
"
"move along! on your way! on yer bike!
just clear off! go get lost! take a hike!
scat! begone! scram! vamoose!
put your legs to good use!
go and make yourself scarce as you like!
"
"the ""chingford skin"", bald norman tebbit,
was right-wing and brash, to his debit.
this working-class tory
extolled his dad's story:
he ""got on his bike"". why not web it?
"
"to decapitate ? decapitation ?
can occasion the odd reservation.
politicians may dread
the removal of head
from the flesh, corporation, or nation.
"
"i have style that you constantly cramp.
see that fence? see that trough? see that ramp?
let me jump them! i'm fit.
see me champ at the bit.
reign unreined, i'm a bit of a champ.
"
"i've been told that my mate is a fan
of the more mature female. strange man!
but he always seems miffed;
it might give him a lift
to forget his ennui and chagrin.
"
"robin's poster reads: ""bard of clydebank ?
with the critics, his work's always rank.""
? an apostrophe, friend?
did you really intend
to imply that your poetry stank?
"
"of the spy thriller writers i've conned,
it's of one, ian fleming, i'm fond.
in his novels he names
his protagonist james;
you might say that his word is his bond.
"
"""what's the difference,"" asked actor mark ruffalo
of a cockney who'd nasally snuffle low,
""between buff'lo and bison?""
he answered: ""just try, son.
you can't wash yer 'ands in a buffalo.""
"
"are you tired, like that jacket you wore, eh?
burning out? take a nap. have a foray.
with some acid you've fetched
let the velvet be etched
in designs that the french call devor?.
"
"the four c's give a diamond high price:
there's its clarity (flawless is nice);
a good cut (maybe great);
told in carats, its weight;
and its colour, as white as pure ice.
"
"in mitosis, your chromosomes splay
and then split, forming new ones. but nay!
with the centromere's loss,
what's acentric can't cross.
got no waist? see your genes drop away.
"
"flashy squid may be armed with toothed tentacles,
but the swish little dogfish dons denticles.
he is clad, snout to tail,
in a sharp suit of mail
which can cut quite a dash. food aplenty calls!
"
"for a limerick groupie, the notion
of serving his queen sparks emotion.
singing ""you light my fire""
in a rain of desire,
he will outpour his sheila b. devotion.
"
"""do a one-handed cartwheel,"" said pru.
""are you kidding?"" i asked. ""noo, noo, noo!
tumbling sideways, limbs splayed,
needs support. i'm afraid
you mis-spoke: at least one hand too few.""
"
"from the squeaking of bedsprings, i've found
i can tell when her boyfriend's around.
so i said: ""walls are thin.
get a water bed in.
whet your ardour, but dampen the sound.""
"
"no christening could have been stranger:
a dog-collared yellowstone ranger
and a bear who was playful
held me over old faithful.
they gave me the middle name danger.
"
"they're a couple, a unit of two;
both the thick and the thin they've been through.
but semantics are supple ?
a flexible couple
embracing perhaps quite a few.
"
"a czar is a tzar is a tsar ?
it's the plum job in russia by far.
at the top of the tree,
decked in purple, is he
who commands proto-u.s.s.r.
"
"niles's cultured conversing contains
some allusions which frasier explains
to their dad, ex-cop marty
who, not being arty,
can't speak the lost language of cranes.
"
"disingenuously, what i mean
to convey is: i'm simple and green.
but i'm canny instead
and i'm rather well-read.
it's my old daft wee laddie routine.
"
"in music, from opera to pop,
the instruction d.c. makes you stop.
it does not mean ""don't croon""
or ""down chords"" with the tune,
but da capo ? go back, ""from the top"".
"
"let me toast you, you fine piece of crumpet!
you think that you're ugly? come, come, pet!
yes, you're doughy and round
and deep craters abound,
but i'm sweet on you ? like it or lump it.
"
"use a box hedge to box in your grounds;
or perhaps, for the land that surrounds
your new home (for its curtilage),
you should plant a new myrtle hedge.
may it see many springs in your bounds.
"
"claire obscure, o thou skilled chiaroscurist,
thy fair features stand out; thou allurest
with light, seeming near;
in thy shadows appear
darker depths that seem far from the purest.
"
"i have genes from both sides. which is winning?
like mum's distaff, i'm constantly spinning,
just retaining the thread;
but dad's sword's overhead ?
i'm incisive, and cutting, and thinning.
"
"i've a nice little riddle for you:
if you use it, then what do you do?
the answer's cribration!
you seek medication?
the drugs that are finest sift through.
"
"when it's warmer, i like to indulge
in tight shorts that help show off my bulge.
yes, i like to reveal;
but don't ask if it's real ?
there are some things too hard to divulge.
"
"is it wrong that i swindled and tricked y'all
and then, when you whinged, went and kicked y'all
with a steel-studded boot?
launch a civil court suit
if you think that my acts are delictual.
"
"in my garden, there's gastropod cheer:
to my slug trap, i lure them with beer.
it's a liquid and smelly bait
these molluscs all delibate.
they sip, but they don't disappear!
"
"from my sewing kit's handy wee home
i extracted some tape and a comb.
on my ditty-bag's cargo
i played a crude largo
for mates as we roamed on the foam.
"
"at the rock show, i wrote, as a critic:
""they are igneous ? not, though, granitic.
over 20%
of this lava-that's-spent
is a carbonate ? carbonatitic.""
"
"a scotsman named hamish maharg
paid me ?12 a day for my darg.
if he liked what i did
then he'd slip me two quid
for my tip ? in my boxer shorts! aargh!
"
"they were twins ? not exactly exotic,
but they made their poor mother neurotic.
though at breakfast she'd beg,
they would not share their egg ?
how fraternal and how dizygotic!
"
"playing golf, he's the object of mirth.
when he swings, it's for all that he's worth,
with both heels as a pivot.
oh my word, what a divot!
silly sod ? scooped a clubful of earth.
"
"in inches, mine's five and a quarter
when floppy. my brother's is shorter
at three and a half,
though it's stiffer. don't laugh!
don't disk-count extra drive, file transporter!
"
"his behaviour seems odd, slightly hurting:
when we date, he is always deserting ?
every gig i have planned
(every choir, every band),
he runs out ? which i find disconcerting.
"
"""round my door,"" said tom clark (classics master),
""have each wall sport a plaster pilaster ?
like a temple extant, eh?
my beautiful antae
should be first among piers, so work faster!""
"
"i've been driven to phone twice a week re
my pleadings. though all that i seek re
my wife is divorce,
she still wants me (of course).
i'm just praying the court will grant decree.
"
"what makes me, glasgow art's ""rising star"", tick,
you will see, in this bar down in partick.
i will scream, i will rage,
soul drained clean on the stage.
you will weep, for your part. it's cathartic.
"
"he worked close-up magic with me.
how it happened, i just couldn't see.
subtle hands, easy chat,
and he had me ? like that.
i just saw what i wanted to be.
"
"i had peed in the sorbet that he licked;
he found out; so he sued me in delict,
seeking civil redress.
shouldn't tell him, i guess,
what i'd done to the ice cream that she licked...
"
"the romans ruled well; none outshone 'em;
renown and respect be upon 'em.
(i just do as they said ?
""don't speak ill of the dead""
or de mortuis nil nisi bonum.)
"
"a herd of these creatures cretaceous
roams the pre-prairie plain, sparse and spacious,
and hungrily crops it:
the bold ceratopsid ?
with horns, frill and beak on their fascias.
"
"where my ligaments shrank, my limbs bow.
i've a scarred and banana-like toe.
my deformities issue
from connective-type tissue ?
all desmogenous.  look out below!
"
"with her c's and her u's and her t's,
young olivia's strokes always please.
yes, her hand is grand; but
should such writing be cut?
it's the site of a breach of the p's.
"
"a, bee, cee; dee, e, ef; and then gee;
aitch, i, jay; kay, el, em; en, o, pee;
cue, ar, ess; tee then u;
vee and double-u too;
ex, wye, zed (in america, zee).
"
"digitoxose? for hearts that are sore,
you obtain c6h12o4
when gitoxin, digoxin
and, yes, digitoxin,
in the gut, turn to sugar (and more).
"
"it was ""bear night"" in glasgow, all-male.
up comes broxi bear, mascot! i hail:
""are you hot in that fur?""
he responds with: ""am ur.
ah'm pure fit. gonnae check oot ma tail?""
"
"though my built-a-boat kit is historical,
its instructions are not categorical:
""round the bark; hide the skin;
weave the wood; wait within.""
it is truly a most delphic coracle.
"
"dr. jock said, ""it's bad to begin
juggling chainsaws on stilts ? nerves set in.
it's nae fun to tak saw-topplers tae
dermatoautoplasty
where grafts will re-site their ain skin.""
"
"for my spy book, you only lift twice,
a contrivance for plot that seemed nice
was a pen that would gauge
third time nib touches page,
then explode. it's a literary device.
"
"want a combi protractor-and-scale?
buy my diagraph ? works without fail.
well, it would if i knew
what exactly to do
to change sizes of plans... what ? no sale?
"
"it's her child, her most special creation;
it's been nearly nine months in gestation.
clad in pink or in blue?
academic. it's due:
a 10,000-word, bound dissertation.
"
"playing tennis, my eye's on the blink.
what's the matter? i just cannot dink!
i'm unable to judge
my swift volley's soft nudge
to float over the net and then sink.
"
"when my wife took her car for inspection,
it lacked rotors to aid speed-correction
(pads engage when you tread).
""i need disc brakes,"" she said.
so i smashed up her record collection.
"
"with this beer that's all fruity and lambic
(unyeasted), my steady iambic
turns jagged and free
and it says ""i love thee""
in a frenzy of verse dithyrambic.
"
"the dance must be wild to suffice us,
your chorus, with words fit to spice us.
may your fame never wither, am-
bitious our dithyramb
praising you, lord dionysus.
"
"to aid scientific enquiry
and explain why my skin gets all fiery,
i must log all i eat
on this day-to-day sheet.
aargh! i think i'm allergic to diary.
"
"since our jobs demand total immersion,
we took leave for a circus excursion.
through the car park we scooted
but by clowns were rerouted.
it was quite an amusing diversion.
"
"here's a limerick pr?cis for clarity:
wiltshire lass with a breast-size disparity
(left minute, right immense)
enters weigh-off events
and wins booby prize. upshot: hilarity.
"
"my ""consent"" was not hard to induce:
was my not saying ""no"" self-abuse?
or is that what i do
sharing all this with you
as i shake my forgotten screws loose?
"
"the caviar magnates will dump us
if we don't get our load. sturgeons stump us;
so we roe, roe our boat
with some fish which deep-float
on round fins, viz. cyclopterus lumpus.
"
"?madre mia! i have un problema.
i phone my querida, sweet gemma,
and promise her sex.
but who answers? my ex!
what to do, now i see i dial emma?
"
"""in the courtroom, i hope to elicit a
mistake,"" said the clever solicitor.
""the accused said his sister
was living in bicester,
but i'll prove his sis is in cirencester.""
"
"aleph, bet, gimel, dalet, then heh;
vav, then zayin, het, tet, yod; ? oy vey! ?
then kaph, lamed, mem, nun,
samekh, ayin; peh's soon;
tsade, qoph, resh, shin, tav. done! hooray!
"
"for franciscans, our monasteries teach us
to bond with god's squirrel-like creatures.
as a young urban hip monk,
i've applied a striped chipmunk
as a mohawk to mask tonsured features.
"
"with a fondling-the-flex-of-the-mic tic,
she said women were ick, but she liked ick.
adding ""your ick would do..."",
she gave her point of view;
and to speak from that stance makes this deictic.
"
"for his harsh devilmaster, young neville
had to work in the courts like the devil.
now his devilling's done,
he's an advocate ? one
who serves mammon. (his fees ? what a level!)
"
"some black rats aren't black. we are brown
streaked with grey, as geoffroy gave renown ?
called us alexandrinus.
it's in egypt he'd seen us,
where we'd hide in his wig upside-down.
"
"though they caught him, that sponger, my ex,
stealing cream, jelly, fruit, chocolate flecks
and some sherry he'd mustered, he
still escaped custardy:
de minimis non curat lex.
"
"by the lollipop guild he's adored;
he's the chair of the gobstopper board;
he's the craftsmen's selection, a re-
vered, top confectionary ?
no mere ""candy man"", more ""my sweet lord"".
"
"something's wrong with his toe, doc ? his right toe.
take a cell sample, see if it's cyto-
pathologically foul...
yes, i know he's an owl!
do you not care two hoots for poor tyto?
"
"axe the archers right now! don't prevaricate!
eddy grundy's a thief! hear him arrogate
dug-up trove he presents
to his wife ? scandal! hence
this means war! (there's a word for this: clarigate.)
"
"you've got egg on your face? then you oughta
just rinse it in cool or warm water.
in a too-heated state, you'd
get proteins denatured,
and your hair locked in albumen mortar.
"
"roll two dice; count the spots on each face;
two and one means you've rolled a deuce-ace;
add the total you see
and it should come to three ?
that's the figure this phrase can replace.
"
"one lib dem mp that you'll like'll
be alistair ""good time"" carmichael.
your whisky uncork; knees
up; celebrate orkney's
and shetland's rep's annual cycle.
"
"if it's freshwater algae you seek,
you'll find single-celled desmids look chic ?
like green, feathery brains;
and they often form chains
(as i'm sure you could guess from the greek).
"
"buffalo buffalo buffalo.
buffalo buffalo buffalo.
buffalo buffalo
buffalo buffalo
buffalo buffalo buffalo.
"
"the ladies drank iced tea (and warmer tea)
and surveyed a display of disformity.
there were different-shaped wares:
some with tapers, some flares;
small and smooth or of knobbly enormity.
"
"it's a proofreader's aide, so i'm told, or
a document stand, clip or folder,
or a man who owned land
in a manor quite grand.
what's the word that's at hand? copyholder.
"
"you have made me bananas! that's it!
when that flesh is unzipped, i'm a twit.
will you let the taste linger
or just slip me the finger
and then make like a banana and split?
"
"""i'll defenestrate you ? banged to rights,""
threatened sir, with my cheek in his sights.
""that means 'throw from the window'.""
i replied, as i grinned, ""oh,
i thought you meant 'put out my lights'!""
"
"jeanie screamed, ""my best brooch has been took!
was it you, son? you're just a wee crook!""
but the gallus wee burnie
just answered, ""amurnie!
but gie us ten notes, an' ah'll look.""
"
"""stupid article!"" thunders my mum,
with the times gripped in fingers and thumb.
no, it's not a news feature
she scorns, but a creature:
the dog, like me, fears for its bum.
"
"is your knowledge of tapirs as scant as
mine was? at their plight will you rant as
they clear brazil's trees?
do you speak portuguese?
there are always more questions than antas.
"
"i was wooing this gal for a while
and her face opened up in a smile.
then she started to laugh
like a startled giraffe.
i think she's as cracked as her dial.
"
"civil war is a courteous fight
where the combatants keep it polite.
""do you mind if i shoot?""
""not at all?what a beaut!
what great aim! yes, you've killed me outright.""
"
"you can see iain's bagpipes balloon
as he blows; watch him squeeze out the tune.
there is nothing galanter
than him fingering his chanter!
set a-buzzing, the drones gently croon.
"
"accessibility's used to imply
the existence of entropy. try
to apply the schematic:
on paths adiabatic,
can system's state x reach state y?
"
"our family's good name you're besmirching.
don't you know right from wrong from your churching?
shut the branch lines? dear me!
are you out of your tree?
doctor beeching, you need a good birching!
"
"i possess, at my land's full extent, room
above and below where you rent room.
i could build up or bore
from the sky to earth's core ?
from a caelo right usque ad centrum.
"
"it's the national beast of belize
and it noses the tropical trees
(when not lumber or paper):
the endangered baird's tapir ?
which we see taper off by degrees.
"
"where diocesan bishops can't be,
chorepiscopi (fellows like me)
act as suffragan sorts,
as his powers each ports
to the land at the edge of the see.
"
"her wedding dress? cheap, but quite nice.
well, her folks are as poor as church mice.
and that phrase tells a tale:
there's a mouse in her veil,
waiting, hungry, for not-yet-thrown rice!
"
"though a windmill with mice is not rare,
when my friends see them clog-dance, they stare.
my sparse pate, i have found,
gives a resonant sound:
they go clip-clippety-clop in my hair.
"
"the indian restaurants in clapham
serve ices with rice cr?pes to wrap 'em.
for a pancake that's proper,
folk jump at a hopper;
it's clear that they do like it appam.
"
"oh, the daisy-leaved grape fern's a cutie!
this botrychium species does duty
to adorn my linoleum:
matricariifolium.
i am floored by its leaves' thrice-split beauty.
"
"she's my diva. unlike all those divs,
i know all her works ? my fan site gives
her complete, full discography;
i've screeds of biography;
now i just need to find where she lives...
"
"my grandma's a knickknack collector,
a trinket and tchotchke detector;
but she likes them for free. below
coats go the bibelots.
she shoplifts, though none will suspect her.
"
"an intrusive and strange case of piles ?
where the surface tops forty square miles ?
sees the bowels of the earth
give abyssoliths birth,
with their rocks of mixed igneous styles.
"
"could the metal i scratched from this oscar be
merely brass? can't you tell with microscopy?
through its gas, shine a light;
check the wavelengths are right
with atomic absorption spectroscopy.
"
"athlete's foot? ringworm? you ought to know, sis:
antifungals cream dermatophytosis.
so until the mo sees
these dermatophytoses,
treat my jock itch with generous doses.
"
"no, it wasn't a bruise or a bite, it
turns out, just a dermatophytid.
if my athlete's foot rots
then my hands get red spots.
want them gone? treat the foot ? that's what i did.
"
"i have paid for that girl; yet they fail
to deliver the subject of sale.
she's the best the shop stocks.
how i yearn for that box!
they keep saying my chick's in the mail...
"
"out of africa, maybe, they fled ?
rodents caviomorpha ? and spread
to new worlds in the west.
feeling pet-less and stressed?
put a caviomorph on your head.
"
"to the charges, i doubt your response'll
be worth your vibrating one tonsil.
your obscene ""pleasure dome""
has brought shame upon rome.
you are quite the dishonorary consul.
"
"the heat is off: don't try to woo me.
i will not egg you on, dear, to do me.
my oestrus has ceased, russ;
i've reached my dioestrus ?
i'm dioestrous. (in season, though, screw me!)
"
"cool cat, who could toot a kazoo,
chose a show tune too cute to eschew.
sony sharks said: ""she's it!
on the charts, sure she'll sit.
sheesh! she's hit a surprise number two.""
"
"my musical's titled hot property.
ironically, sales have gone floppity!
though the actors both play and sing
songs like ""conveyancing
(transfer of rights)"", it's un-stop-at-y.
"
"if you're learning a trade, take a class.
there are tests which you really should pass.
see how competence builds
with a city &amp; guilds
in displaying the crack of one's arse.
"
"bernard matthews bred turkeys in norfolk;
all his products were fine, he'd assure folk.
but this avian flu tiff'll
spoil what seemed ""bootiful"":
mass-produced cruelty for poor folk?
"
"daddy's curry house, where i once waitered,
still sells appams (sweet cr?pes, dished and cratered).
though we're british now ? yeah, see? ?
my diet is desi.
you want fish? bombay duck's desi-catered.
"
"in brooklyn, some young nouveaux riches
have found order, vocation, a niche.
in a setting that's cloistral,
they teach us, ""the foist rule:
don't talk about monk club. capiche?""
"
"the black rat of old, rattus rattus,
threw the plague and much pestilence at us.
now, our pets are kept clean,
though on baths they're not keen:
climbing head-bound, they practically hat us.
"
"it's when transience causes transition
and annihilates all; when omission
leads to loss; when you lack;
when you cannot claw back
what's clawed down ? when you find deperdition.
"
"check the level by reading the dipstick
lest the parts of your car that should slip stick,
lacking oil. it's a tool ?
like that tooled-up old fool
of a pig in a dress and pink lipstick.
"
"""it's a mystery,"" warbled young toyah,
""why we jews named a bread after cholla,
an inedible cactus
whose spines have attacked us
in a manna that couldn't be goyer.""
"
"in the andes, the heat is a killer.
lest my beard make me sweat, i keep stiller.
there's a fan on my hat:
a small rodent who's sat
there to swish his thick tail ? my chinchilla.
"
"na?ve chlo? co?rdinates (derris is
being used to kill ants on her terraces),
while she mulls why what's inked
to keep vowel sounds distinct
does not top off the die in dieresis.
"
"now the tradesmen have finally come,
each bends over to show builder's bum.
at my sink waste, waists sink
in low pants, on the brink
of a glimpse of the depths one could plumb?
"
"poor annette! all her flatmates can see
monthly envelopes marked ""bnp"".
but she seems like a mensch,
and her statements are french
(from the banque nationale de paris).
"
"castorimorpha: suborder of gophers
and kangaroo rats ? little loafers
who lounge with us nightly;
but the beaver's too sprightly
to treat heads and shoulders like sofas.
"
"he's a model. though tall, you can tell
that he's short of the odd small grey cell.
a thickhead of slim wit,
this none-too-bright dimwit
will suit my designs very well.
"
"now, i wish to convey what i think:
""you look sexy; let's go for a drink...""
but that reads too direct,
so i'll let you suspect
as i sign off my text with a ;).
"
"there once was a farmer named jim
who beamed, full of joy to the brim,
when he saw udders swell.
bovine dames rang his bell.
(we don't know what the cows thought of him.)
"
"the first night of racine's greatest play
was no-showed by some fans of corneille.
sects and scandal to boot
all contrived to uproot
or deracinate jean, i would say.
"
"is it ""mother's day"" (one mum love smothers)?
is it ""mothers' day"" (shared among others)?
or will ""mothers day"" do?
are apostrophes too
much like grammar (a fear of most mothers)?
"
"leaving athens, with hope and fine words,
mr trust shows the king of the birds
that the plans he uptook'll hand
the reins to cloudcuckooland.
what aristophanic absurds!
"
"does she love you? twelve blooms lie unpetalled.
heads or tails? but the coin's oddly metalled.
you just can't accept loss
and you argue the toss
as you question what ought to stay settled.
"
"a freudian once saw in the sky
an object, cigar-shaped, up high.
as he buffed up his specs
he said, ""boy, i need sex!"",
little knowing that probing was nigh...
"
"old macdonald had cultured, french roots.
of the farm, he was sick to his boots.
""down with sheep!"" cried papa.
here ""? bas!""; there ""? bas!"";
everywhere ""? bas, baa-baaing brutes!""
"
"appetitions are longings that pique:
prehend shivam, for goodness you seek;
you're driven by duty
towards sundaram (beauty)
and satyam (the truth, so to speak).
"
"though the fumes when up close can get honky,
the ease'll be great on a donkey.
once you've flipped up its flap,
slot your board in its gap ?
'tween the teeth ? and make sure it's not wonky.
"
"was it due to its dryness (like hay)
or its camouflage colour (mid-grey)?
either way, now my hair
is a tree squirrel's lair.
by my students i'm called ""dr. drey"".
"
"what's this cultrate? it's not, one suspects,
how fast god-fearing fervour infects.
such infection is rife:
cut it out with a knife.
something cultrate should do it. die, sects!
"
"too much ""news"" leads to creeping nocturnalism
as i fume at excuses for journalism.
they rework press releases
and that's where it ceases ?
screeds and screens filled with mind-numbing churnalism.
"
"madagascar: i've sat on a ""cat"";
now the ""cat"" doesn't know where it's at.
i was wearing no pants.
cryptoprocta's last chance
is a cryptoproctologist, stat!
"
"chemolithotrophs eat like an ox-
idant, chemically grazing the rocks.
in the darkness they steal?
as a carbon-free meal?
the electrons their licking unlocks.
"
"latin's neat. what i'll show you right now's a
phrase that lawyers employ ? it's a wowser.
to curtail trials' longevity,
for the purpose of brevity,
i just say ""brevitatis"" then ""causa"".
"
"as an aftershave, don't use a spray
of diphenylchlorarsine (da)
or (c6h5)2
ascl ? achoo! ?
for you'll cough, spew and scare them away!
"
"what are cavies? not just genus cavia
will, for poets, show wig-like behaviour.
their caviinae sub-family
and caviidae hub family
are all caviid rodents ? youth's saviour.
"
"take a conjugate acid, e.g.
hcl, and deprotonate: see!
it's turned conjugate base ?
just cl left in place,
plus electron ? the proton set free.
"
"at your label of rattus norvegi-
cus, brown rat admirers get edgy:
""norway rats"" came from persia!
though the world may all curse ya,
come and perch on my scalp, dry and ledgy.
"
"watching plumber heat: valves on the blink ?
dubbed in english from swedish, i think ?
all the sound added after
made lust turn to laughter:
the dialogue seemed out of synch.
"
"is the music there cheesy? yes, very!
good for dancing; not deep; bright and merry.
hear the eras unfold!
no, you don't feel too old
when you're bopping along to chuck berry.
"
"i like to be funny, but wrily.
there's a risk what i write be read drily.
lest it seem to be gloom or
just lacking in humour,
each diatribe ends in a :).
"
"i will finish this wall off, i hope,
with some stones (to the line of this rope)
that will shed off the rain.
oh, this task's such a pain,
i'm afraid that i really can't cope!
"
"confectionary? seems it could be
both the sweet and its maker. dear me!
it means ""candy"" for mugs;
treat their spelling with drugs!
my confectionery's cut with an e.
"
"i guessed she had dressed in the dark
for her dress had been messed by a mark
which, when seen in the light,
really didn't look right.
there's a girl who was up with the lark!
"
"bumper-stickering quotes means the gist
is conveyed, but precision is missed.
though the quotes that we know
will turn out to be faux,
they're concise, so they're apt to persist.
"
"there is blood, flesh and bone that connects us
and some skin round about that protects us.
as the surgeon begins
on us siamese twins,
we're cut up as his scalpel dissects us.
"
"there's a law that mps have helped fabricate,
but the queen's said: ""it goes, or i'll abdicate!""
so the government now
has to fathom out how
to rescind the new act they must abrogate.
"
"in approaching oedilf's ""zz-"" time,
we'll come close to exhausting all rhyme
based on each english word
that the world ever heard ?
just a ""zzz"" and then silence sublime!
"
"my routine is described as boylesque ?
not like subo in drag (how grotesque!).
no, my body's quite fit
and i show quite a bit
to the music that's cued at the desk.
"
"""it's a sensitive issue,"" said chris.
""as mp, i can't comment on this.
you can quiz me or fawn,
but i will not be drawn.
just take photos ? i've babies to kiss.""
"
"are you lost in your maize pollination?
let me show you the way: by difflation.
yes, it's blowing, i say
(both apart and away),
that can further your fertilization.
"
"just one aerial? don't use a splitter.
for two signals to share one transmitter,
you will find a nice diplexer
(for three, it's a triplexer) ?
which stacks them by frequency ? fitter.
"
"""stay and drink!"" said the tutor. ""skip gym.
you're quite muscly enough, and you're slim.
students painting your pic, you'll at-
test, say: 'articulate
body! it all shows with him.'""
"
"if you cross me, then run. better bomb it or
i'll punch till you choke on your vomit or
your scars have got scarred.
yes, i'm really that hard.
want to measure? then use a durometer.
"
"shortwave radio? what can you get, rick?
who broadcasts in old decametric?
there's just fuzz at 10 metres,
cb, then it peters.
100? dead. get a new set, rick.
"
"what's your poison? well mine, loved by many, sees
brandy (use cheap stuff, not hennessy's),
with almonds, soy too,
gain toxicity due
to botanical cyanogeneses.
"
"make an ""earth, sun and mars"" illustration:
in 3d you'd see mars's location
on a ""slope"" off the flat;
but 2d hides all that,
squashing distances down with curtation.
"
"what bad news! did your grandmother drown?
has your boyfriend been 'bad' around town?
has your gown torn a seam?
every nightmare you dream,
i will share, or condemn, with a :(.
"
"there's a love note... now what has he said?
he's just written the letters ""bz"".
""bravo zulu,"" he'd say
in his naval-man's way ?
that's well done when we're flagging in bed.
"
"i fake ""ancient greek wine"" for my kicks.
strength of sucrose solution i fix,
weight for weight, in percent;
add some yeast; then ferment.
just like plato, i'm in with the bx.
"
"sugar kisses, my pretty, petite ex?
no, your saccharine aftertaste's sweetex.
though in college, still young,
it was fun trading tongue,
taking ""business with french"" for our btecs.
"
"my old uni was makeshift and grotty;
jock the chancellor, old, drunk and dotty.
""who did music,"" asked he,
""and who wants a degree?""
so i shouted out: ""bmus up, scottie!""
"
"i just followed my nose when i sank
all my cash in a small, obscure bk.
the accountant who looks
at the state of my bks
thinks that what i was sniffing at stank.
"
"fresh from oxford ? a bachelor, yes ?
my mb bch style success
means i'm ""doctor"", you'd say.
but in nottingham, they
think my surgical claims are bs.
"
"you speak funny. my guess: you're romanian.
no? you're serbian? slovak? albanian?
hmm. okay. one last try:
you're south african! why?
well, your accent is truly azanian!
"
"salting herring is one daunting task:
wooden daunts top the fish in the cask.
we press down on the slats
to compact the wee sprats.
does it smell? aye, 'tis best ye don't ask.
"
"little sophie can't sleep but can see
the purveying-good-dreams bfg.
with the help of the queen,
they defeat giants mean
who'll no longer eat children for tea.
"
"upset tum from a dubious chef?
coughing? lame? itchy? sore? sleepy? deaf?
deaf? my old british national
formulary ration 'll
list the pills for your ills ? bnf.
"
"he's been watching old re-runs all day,
giggling loudly (well, more like a bray).
he's unhinged, incoherent,
deranged and delirant.
take that man in the mirror away!
"
"deviometers quantify squint ?
the strabismus that means that the glint
that you have in your eye
falls on some other guy
who you pray will not take up the hint.
"
"it's a transitive verb, is demount,
meaning ""take off its mounting"". no fount
deftly spouts, wordly-wise,
an intransitive guise.
""will this unit demount?"" ? would that count?
"
"""why, there's daisy, rose... buttercup; but
a' they bonny flooer names missed the cut.
well, i say, a' ma days ? all
my days ? they chose hazel!
they've cried the wean after a nut!""
"
"use royal mail for the deeds?! why? what next?
i'd much rather we had them dx'd ?
the whole document range
in secure, swift exchange.
cross your fingers! i'll email the text.
"
"for small chunks (choosing ten loci, say)
list the bases of found dna;
match that dna profile
to a someone-you-know file
and you may get the perp put away.
"
"up at cambridge, cool cats put down roots.
i eschewed slip-on shoes and school suits
for loose jeans with ripped hems
plus some scuffed-up dms
and i prowled round the campus in boots.
"
"a4 paper, in thirds, neatly fills
what's one-ten by two-twenty in mils.
but i fear postmen's bells
bearing windowed dls,
'cause these envelopes often hold bills.
"
"my first day at the new cps,
they were shocked at my tight leather dress
and my come-on tiara.
""our service... we are a...
it's crown prosecution."" (bad guess!)
"
"university bosses, let's splice!
with a uk committee of vice-
chancellors and principals,
we're bound to convince our pals
in london to treat us all nice.
"
"chris's blasphemous limericks besmirch!
from our chapel, this man i'd dischurch.
either he goes or we,
say the powers that be,
with our church, if dischurched, in the lurch.
"
"devastavit: an action that's based
on executors' profligate taste,
their corruption, neglect,
or the law's non-respect,
proving where there's a will, there's a waste.
"
"mum's a cow who enjoyed a good yak.
daddy left her and never looked back,
like a wild bovid hobo.
but their son, a young dsobo,
cannot follow, alas, in his track.
"
"honey's healing. as balm, it's a charm.
screeds of uses, as long as your arm,
mean it's this i dispense.
so few drugs make such sense.
you have hives? why, i have a bpharm.
"
"what's a dvandva? where two concepts meet
equal-weightedly ? say, bittersweet.
but in sanskrit what's linked
is two beings distinct
or a set (call my limbs a ""hands-feet"").
"
"dbe? no, that ain't her last name.
it just means that the broad is a dame ?
dame commander (no less)
of the order (why, yes)
of the british ? well, ""empire"", they claim.
"
"can't find phone numbers? not in your diaries?
want a coaching firm near buenos aires,
a kolkata 'toons hub,
or a hip sheffield club?
phone dq ? that's directory enquiries.
"
"""since mount safa, that high, hilly rebel,
will not move across sand, scree and pebble
to be here as i ask,
i must turn round the task:
let mohammed adjourn to the djebel.""
"
"my hound's not artistic, i fear,
though he does have designs upon deer.
so on dogdraws we go,
hunting hind, hunting doe,
although i am the marksman round here.
"
"mr grace, the headmaster, is dead.
i've been tasked, as the deputy head,
to act up in his place.
which is nice. mrs grace
is a fox ? bet she's kinky in bed...
"
"i'm afraid we do not stock that brand.
won't you people just please understand!
that's the fifth time today
i've been asked in this way.
we won't sell it: there's just no demand.
"
"thick and wrinkled, a pachyderm's derm
is its skin. whether flimsy or firm,
be it smooth, be it creased
(mainly used of a beast),
we've not ceased to prolong this short term.
"
"young tom was a mouse-baiting boy-puss,
but those instincts did sadly destroy puss.
while a mouse might have fled,
this just sat on his head:
myocastor (that's ""mouse-beaver"") coypus.
"
"post-hypnosis, for years she refused
to be swayed, of false faith disabused,
though ""remembered"" vile acts
failed to fit the known facts.
still the trauma, too real, leaves her bruised.
"
"one-man-bands, i can hear when they come:
strummed guitar, elbowed cymbals, kneed drum,
a rude song sung off-key,
some small tramp plaguing me ?
diddy bum (titty-bum ditty: bum).
"
"char-grilled grasshopper? no, i won't lick it!
do you want me to say where to stick it?
be it well-done or rare,
to be serving such fare
is not right. it is simply not cricket.
"
"for my stud farm, i don't seek a brisk horse;
no, i'm breeding for friendlier discourse.
i'd forgo a sharp canter
for mr. ed's banter;
shrek's donkey might serve to serve this course.
"
"a chilean, brown brush-tailed rat
has taken up home on my hat.
my potty-trained degu
deposits its 'tray-goo',
then eats it as neatly as that.
"
"dr. shaun, who's an expert, has tutored
on boys whom the byzantines neutered.
re ""the greek eunuch child""
his effusions are wild ?
he's not drunk, but he seems like he's blootered.
"
"test your eyes: are they bad? not much cop? see a
hue (red/green/blue) you could drop? see a
match for each tone
with two hues mixed alone,
and not three? you've got dichromatopsia.
"
"to remove a carboxyl group, you
(in your rival lab) toil the day through.
yet, asleep, through my proxy, late,
i decarboxylate!
i'd say that i've pulled off a -cooh.
"
"these here letters, m.d., also spell
r.i.p. to each cancerous cell!
they will perish, when i decide,
by means of a cytocide
(though that may kill the good cells as well).
"
"it was love! it was love at first sight!
i just knew that he'd be mr. right.
on my path i was set.
now i come to regret
i'd forgotten my glasses that night.
"
"from a cryal, a cry'll be heard
if you find you've disturbed the foul bird.
in surprise, up it flies
and in lieu of goodbyes
the wee shitepoke will send you a turd.
"
"between solstice and equinox, fall
the cross-quarter days: samhain we call
""halloween""; imbolc's felt
to be ""candlemas""; belt-
ane is ""may day""; and lammas ? that's all.
"
"raising children? i question your schema.
our future's not nuclear, dreamer.
cold water i'll pour
on your plans, at the core:
i'm a breeder? am i fukushima?!
"
"when your subjects sit still, you get stable photos.
if you know who they are, you can label photos.
once your snaps have been wired
(since remotely required
by the press or the cops), they're called cablephotos.
"
"may this blessing bee more than a platitude
(honeyed words which bee-dew you with gratitude):
why not bee like the flowers?
they don't bee-ver for hours,
yet they bloom with attractive bee-attitude.
"
"""real-life action"" is well reimbursed;
let's just shoot this hot scene unrehearsed.
so no fumbling anticipative:
all that heat, which is dissipative,
will diminish the more it's dispersed.
"
"i blew loud, then said ""i've got the conch!
it is my turn to speak. it's my tranche
of this carved-up debate.
for your slice, you must wait
till this shell to your fingers i launch.""
"
"though the cruellest month's april, they say,
there's still much to bemoan about may.
to go camping in spring
is a cold comfort thing;
i'd be sure to dismarch (stomp away).
"
"my determinacy is in doubt:
does it mean how much life is laid out?
how exact one might get?
how concluded and set?
definition ? that's what it's about.
"
"on the dance floor, i'd say i look great
as i stretch, bend and gently gyrate.
yes, this cat's ""calisthenic"".
but reserve discogenic
for the back pain i hope to abate.
"
"what's my job? i could say ""poet leariate"" ?
public limerick writer. in theory, it
makes sense; but to boast
this conceptional post
as a real-life career? you might query it.
"
"just like words on a sealed, metal bin
that reflect what the product within
will achieve when applied,
let this metaphor guide ?
'cause it does what it says on the tin.
"
"you say decine, dear webster, to mean
a high alkyne, c10h15,
that's decenylene too.
for a term that is new
and rings true, cyclodecyne's now seen.
"
"this inscription is all greek to me ?
which is fine ('cause i speak it, you see).
but what's this? what the f?!
is that letter a clef?
it's digammate! w-what could it be?
"
"""burlesque dancer!"" the sign read. i followed.
an old lady was writhing, cheeks hollowed
(no teeth). don't know why,
but she stared at each fly,
blew a kiss, licked her lips, and then swallowed.
"
"it's the cream that will rise to the top.
rich and heady, and fragrant with hop,
i approach with a tremor
for a kiss of this cremor.
i'm a scum-sucking slave to the slop.
"
"""you're a father!"" that crazy bird spoke.
""in my egg, protoplasm awoke.
and what fed it post-spasm
can be called deutoplasm.""
now, is this her idea of a yolk?
"
"antagonisation is when
you annoy other women or men.
such relentless critique
hits a low with its pique.
i'd advise you to sit on your pen.
"
"my old dutch is the duchess of fife
(which, for cockneys, of course, means my wife).
she has great tracts of land
and a manner so grand
since she's not had to work in her life.
"
"if my claustrum was lost from my head,
then i think i'd be better off dead.
where my senses converge,
it allows them to merge
as one message: the world can be read.
"
"""the cartilage rings in your spine
should cushion your vertebrae fine;
but prodding you shows us
one annulus fibrosus
has, painfully, got out of line.""
"
"although some write ""all right"", others might
write ""alright"".  are we all right, despite?
albeit a phrase
not to use in all ways,
alright's almost always alright.
"
"where's my boxing opponent? detroit?
if he shows, then some lefts i'll exploit.
if he forfeits the fight
then that sum is my right.
yes, his stake, on default, is my droit.
"
"the boxer muhammad ali,
world heavyweight champion times three,
was as deft as his quote
on his fighting style: ""float
like a butterfly, sting like a bee.""
"
"my keyboard's repetitive click
is a sound somewhat quiet and quick.
there's percussive attack
with a rattle at back
as components first hit then unstick.
"
"private schools should be banned, critics say,
with their pupils (both boarders and day)
to be tutored en masse.
if it happens, alas,
they'll be classless in more than one way.
"
"i'm the best: that position is static.
i was born noble ? aristocratic.
though the odd parvenu
on occasion gets through,
my ascent to the top's automatic.
"
"i am male, and at ease with my gender;
it is men to whose charms i surrender.
women, too, can be fun,
but when all's said and done,
i'm not straight: i'm more bendy?a bender.
"
"it's jim's birthday; let's give him the bumps ?
once for each of his years. come on, chumps;
if we each grab a limb
we can fling even him
up and down, though i bet his bum thumps.
"
"my aesthetics are oft esoteric
but i do love the shape of bo derek.
i could cleave her in twain
(though it might be a strain) ?
how symmetrical! oh, how dimeric!
"
"my father now works as an architect
in a firm where for years as a clerk, he ""teched"",
plotting plans using cad.
now he's qualified, dad
designs buildings for real ? yes, you hark it, echt!
"
"shares in ships (bought with loans from the bank)
levelled out and then rapidly sank
on a steep downward path.
now i'm taking a bath ?
i'm washed up, thanks to tankers that tank.
"
"my beanie is something i fill
with my hair (there's so much, some might spill).
it's a head-hugging hat.
if you know where it's at,
watch us hot-headed youths as we chill.
"
"i'm an artist! hurrah! whoop-ti-do!
in the land where for ""now"" they say ""noo"",
i depict highland cattle. yay!
what comes from my atelier?
all hits ? every canvas a coo!
"
"with each gift that's bestowed comes an onus
(as the tale of the talents has shown us).
things to do, trusts to keep,
make me crawl towards sleep.
if perchance i don't wake, that's a bonus.
"
"circumcision?  that's far too severe!
just one slip, and it costs a man dear.
when making boys ""roundheads""
(who don't support crowned heads),
the medics can be cavalier.
"
"""two and six"", ""five and eight"", ""one and three""
sound like sums in old money to me.
hearing ""shillings and pence""
really doesn't make sense!
why the flashbacks? i blame lsd.
"
"""easter bunny, why steal all those eggs?""
every hen in the neighbourhood begs,
as do turkey and ducky.
young rabbit, you're lucky
you've not had to forfeit your legs.
"
"they had burned, in their cult's conflagration,
a poor donkey, for mass delectation.
as my gut turned its flesh
into nutrients fresh,
i felt driven to diss ass-immolation.
"
"doctrinarianism's a stance ?
the mid-right in restored bourbon france.
doctrinaires were put down
when charles x took the crown,
whose extremes let the left re-advance.
"
"when your ferns reproduce by diplospory,
that's the genitive form of apospory.
daughter plantlets are grown
with the genes all mum's own.
without sex, they are prudishly prosper-y.
"
"the man who just married my aunt
is a taskmaster, relatives grant.
a dutch uncle, he's stern:
""listen up, punk! you'll learn
not to speak out of turn or?"" ""i shan't!""
"
"rising prices have gained notoriety.
here's a way to reduce cash anxiety
and to share more, pay less:
a cws ?
a cooperative wholesale society.
"
"for an indirect object, embrace
the term dative to label the case
of the nouns to which verbs
grant their work, as with serbs
in: ""i'm giving serbs kudos for grace.""
"
"learn that dorsal or dorsel or dossel
means a backcloth, a dosser-like dossal,
but that dorsal or dosel
means a back bone doc's dossil
(or wadding) might swaddle. you're docile!
"
"my parrot is dead, so i wrap it
in a covering cloth, a small drapet,
and return to the shop.
though i ask for a swap,
it won't fly; i'm instructed to flap it.
"
"scene 1: gardener, played by pam ferris,
killing insects while planting up terrace.
cut to: legume root powder.
vo: wail, only louder.
(seems that someone's got dusted with derris...)
"
"re my sign, written clearly as ""bottlecaps"",
you declare that you wish it were not all caps
and was plain lower-case
with a capital face.
just flip off, and don't screw with what's got all caps!
"
"prepositions show role, link in space.
in some languages, what takes their place
is, say, how a word ends.
""dine with friends""? translate friends
with associative as its case.
"
"you think air-con's a con, just hot air?
there are products that purify there.
and from me, the firm's rep, you rate a
really great depurator
deal ? no more farts need you share!
"
"in the scotland act, draughtsmen made mention
of the famed european convention.
by the terms of its grant,
the scots parliament can't
breach convention rights ? not sans contention.
"
"let me teach you advanced dtp ?
desktop publishing ? on your pc.
pimp that church magazine...
what? don't tipp-ex the screen!!!
shall we start at the basics, aunt bea?
"
"""time for lunch. do the goujons and dips take
your fancy?"" he answered: ""my lips take
no non-re-formed meat;
it's too pricey to eat.""
so i ordered the cheapskate a chip steak.
"
"fields need feeding? then try dcp
(well, this phosphate's dicalcic, you see):
mix and bake over time
superphosphate plus lime.
you'll sprout leeks, but your p won't run free.
"
"to ground chickpeas (or gram), he adds spices
and some onion he quite finely slices.
at ""a taste of the raj"" he
will deep-fry each bhaji
to serve before curries and rices.
"
"my horses all sport coronets ?
such adornments each ungulate gets.
every hoof has upon it
a top band or cronet ?
a seal for my sport-of-kings pets.
"
"""we must paint the round table with zing,
and i think vivid pink is the thing.
have the woodwork smoothed, then
do not do it again.""
so spoke arthur, 'one-sand fuchsia king'.
"
"auntie didi's a big, buxom biddy
and her balcony view makes one giddy.
what in europe's an e
is uk ""double-d"",
meaning dear dd didi's not diddy.
"
"you could please a ""new wave"" music clamourer
with some '80s glaswegian-style glamour ? a
slim, articulate body
that you might call ""frame, roddy"";
but more snappy by far's ""aztec camera"".
"
"seeking work, when i surfed ""a job scene"",
up popped ""aj: obscene"" on the screen.
geeks, while clutching small tools,
posed and measured their joules ?
but times 10-18.
"
"""we need flowers,"" said the soon-to-be groom,
""a small spray ? on the day of my doom ?
for the breast of each guest.
but what buttonhole's best?
i'd have buds; but my bride, she'll a bloom.""
"
"that fresh doughnut, he isn't that shy, sees?
says he's cream-filled (he's naughty but nice, sees)
and he loves my sweet ring,
hole and all. here's the thing:
i'm a torus, and he's like a pie, sees.
"
"if you value at 3 this parameter ?
column gap over column diameter ?
then your porch, bay or aisle
is styled diastyle style.
limerick done; next, iambic pentameter...
"
"with their mix, ""k/na"", laid down straight,
comes ""alsi3"" then ""o8"":
rock group alkali feldspar.
all the members it's held spar
for inclusion in fired-up state.
"
"i just love my emoticon art ?
or you might say it's something i &lt;3.
but, when typing gets loose,
it can lead to abuse
when you text your intended a 3<.
"
"the lunch club committee, all three,
made a meal out of censuring me.
their chiding was formal.
they said it's not ""normal""
to serve fish-paste trifle with brie.
"
"my seducing her husband destroyed her.
i would say she could not be annoyeder.
though i don't think that's fair
and she should learn to share,
now of love she's more empty, devoider.
"
"crystal pickup: device that's complete
with a groove-reading needle, each beat
yielding current in ways so
described as piezo-
electric; my name on the street.
"
"your eye test was not microscopical:
it is clear your complaint's egilopical.
and the way to repulse a
small eye-corner ulcer?
read the news! (yes, the treatment is topical.)
"
"when i'm horny and bored and alone,
it's my haggard ex-girlfriend i phone.
though she's visibly aged,
she is rarely engaged,
so i pick up the old dog and bone.
"
"an assimilator,  that's what i am:
loads of data's absorbed as i cram.
into textbooks i plunge
with a brain like a sponge ?
which i'll squeeze in my final exam.
"
"i'm a pro-cocarboxylase prattle-ist:
it comes high on my ""enzymes that matter"" list.
though it's true tpp
comes from vitamin b,
it rates a ? all known life needs this catalyst.
"
"equatorial guinea: our pay lay
in the currency unit ekpwele,
starting '75
for ten years; now we strive
for our cfa francs (not bipkwele).
"
"this word, more archaic than old,
is as rare and as precious as gold.
to spread round its use, i'll
assert circumfusile
is ""spreadable round"" (so i'm told).
"
"""define,"" you request me, ""abstain.""
but really, i'd rather refrain.
i refuse to take part.
no, i won't even start.
i'll do nothing, i say, to explain.
"
"civil partnership's end, dissolution,
deals with asset and debt distribution.
for the lawyers, what's handy's
(mutatis mutandis)
divorce is the same institution.
"
"prion proteins cross species, they do.
bse spawned a variant (""new"")
creutzfeldt-jakob disease.
i just pray cjd's
a low risk that will not affect moo!
"
"russell fears concrete verse. he's so timorous!
well, he'll run from this limerick on dimerous ?
""in two parts""

? ? ? ? ? my words are, see ?
like two-jointed tarsi
or two-membered whorls. now just simmer, russ.
"
"my bunny lies over the ocean.
my bunny drank rat-killing potion.
no more will it fidget:
my rabbit is rigid.
oh, bring back my bunny to motion!
"
"briers lusts for penelope keith; he's
got an urge he can't check (caco?thes).
with a wink and a swig
and a mistletoe sprig,
this kiss-chase may end with lost teethies.
"
"my old habits are dirty and smell,
and my prayer book still lies where it fell.
all this mess in my vault
is cytopathy's fault ?
that's the greek for 'disorder of cell'.
"
"there's a word that refers to the frays
of what branches discretely in splays
or a hand's animation.
you'll enjoy digitation
if you like being fingered both ways.
"
"homoeopathy works? that's fallacious!
the placebo effect, to be gracious,
may be mighty indeed;
but it's proof that we need
that the meds are themselves efficacious.
"
"sparing breath, on a rare verbal fast,
i'm reviving the long-gone devast.
thus i slash by a third
a great waste of a word
which i greedily ""ate"" in the past.
"
"can you help find my lost application?
it belongs in my mind's motivation,
near my gumption and thrust,
labelled ""do what you must"",
resting tight on my, er, concentration.
"
"o, thou round-written cipher, great nought,
like the egg (l'?uf in french) thou art wrought.
though my love is for tennis,
what haunts batting men is
a goose egg or duck's egg unsought.
"
"take this wood? well, i'll do as you say, da.
yes, we'll sacrifice something today, da!
where's the beast? why the rope?
there's some reason, i hope,
that you're tying me up ? oh, akedah.
"
"there's a study guide, known as cq,
that the seventh day adventists do:
the literal, orderly
collegiate quarterly.
they podcast it daily. who knew?
"
"tv's poor (endless re-runs of morse eps).
soup is mushroom (i try to ignore ceps).
nurse comes, takes me away;
through an endoscope, they
shove up slender cup biopsy forceps.
"
"how are you, pal? let's sit down together;
we can chat. aye, let's have a good blether.
family well? nothing new?
aye, the same for me too...
dum-di-dee... would you credit the weather?
"
"in scotland, to go on the broo
is something the out-of-work do.
to get aid from the state,
they sign on, queue and wait
at the bureau (mis-rendered buroo).
"
"who exactly were beatie and babs?
i'm not sure, but i'll take a few stabs:
they performed, inter-war,
to a music hall score.
you want more? they're the cockney for crabs.
"
"feeling bored, randy, drunk and alone,
i called ""chat with a chick"" on the phone.
answer came: ""ahoy-hoy!
what's your name, sonny boy?""
i'd misdialled and got ""creep with a crone"".
"
"broken holmes: ""they split assets of scots on
divorce. but mum might raise the tots on
dad's payments till teens.
if mum chases dad's means,
why, it's aliment harry, dear watson!""
"
"to refute that what's ""real"" is just ""known"",
samuel johnson ""appealed to the stone"":
with a kick, he'd present 'em
a vain argumentum
ad lapidem ? no disproof shown.
"
"my old twin-prop now needs to be propped
and, from rolling off forwards, be stopped.
something wedge-shaped's ideal,
so, to chock it, sub-wheel,
giant toblerone bars can be popped.
"
"judging wannabe stars with a smile,
see this german chanteuse bite back bile.
as the fair ute lemper rates,
her scorn she contemperates
and quells. she's not curt with the vile.
"
"wings of skin help dermopterans glide;
""flying lemurs"" they're dubbed (as a guide).
but dermapterans crawl,
scarcely flying at all:
earwigs' wings hide in cases of hide.
"
"i love wild asian asses (no bigot, i)
and my favourite's the gobi-bred dziggetai.
with your load spread upon it, yer
ride-me-not onager
is feisty but might let you rig a tie.
"
"oh, i do like a nice set of drawers,
and i covet that huge chest of yours.
sliding out and then in,
each discreet shallow bin
holds the promise a hoarder adores.
"
"the water i drink is distilled.
first i heat up a flask that i've filled,
then i cool down the vapour
to filter through paper ?
so solutes and bugs don't get swilled.
"
"at 30 to 300 gigahertz,
the radio band with that figure hertz
is extremely high frequency.
the next band in sequency
is infra-red (lower to bigger hertz).
"
"your rent arrears being unchecked meant
we applied to the court for ejectment
to remove you from site
(and reclaim, as of right,
all the costs we'd incur in effectment).
"
"ethel merman sang louder (and higher)
than a voice that is good to a choir.
with a tone she attained
absolutely untrained,
she would belt like the house was on fire.
"
"sporting rubber, resemblant of wood,
your balls smack just as hard as balls could.
black and rigid, you roll
a tight ebonite bowl ?
very vulcanised rubber-made-good.
"
"this parrot is dead. i'm aghast!
though the bird may have lived in the past,
its life had no durableness,
its illness lacked curableness,
and its feet to the perch were nailed fast.
"
"there is nobody, penny-wise, wiser.
he could work as a scrimping adviser.
he's a demon for thrift.
even words get short shrift:
no econo is spared by this miser.
"
"if you fancy a sea urchin pet
or a starfish, or brittle star, get
a large tank and some salt.
if it dies, here's the fault:
you must keep your echinoderm wet.
"
"breathing strongly, with forced exhalation,
i am using my own exsufflation
to expel the foul spirit
possessing you ? hear it!
""your mother sucks cough medication!""
"
"if you've etymological leanings,
then the ""study of true, basic meanings""
and how word forms evolve
throws up problems you solve
with research and intuitive gleanings.
"
"it's a mustelid (marten-like, mink-y) ?
light and lean, lithe latino (not dinky
at two feet long) ? eira
(only species: the tayra).
either that, or it's part of helsinki.
"
"do your debts always seem to outrun ya?
you could borrow some cash from a bunnia,
though this sum must be paid or
this indian trader
has bankable ways to unmoney ya.
"
"the muezzin (a turk, ali khan)
called the faithful to heed the koran
and, at five times each day,
come to mosque, where they'd pray ?
till the day he forgot the ezan.
"
"it has singular uses, does eyeglass.
it's the eyepiece in kit like a spy glass;
a specs lens; a monocle;
the eyecup i'll chronicle
as a ""bathe-eyes-if-damaged-or-dry glass"".
"
"that's a most obscure word you expressed! a gate
opens; more flood! i evestigate
to discern what they mean...
while they're not quite obscene,
obsolete is a scandal (dubbed ""yestergate"").
"
"with my deck chair i roamed, hoped to reach
venice, bari, split ? visits to each ?
on the costa adriatica,
hunting fagus sylvatica.
that, i'd heard, was a european beech.
"
"all your nutrients travel quite freely
when your vascular structure's eustele ?
cores of xylem (in rings),
each with phloem that brings
you the means to grow shrubly or treely.

from the sunlight, the strength that you do steal
turns to sugars that flow through the eustele
with its wrapping of pith.
all your seed-sprouting kith
get a kick from this channelling juice deal.
"
"i'm the jewel of the nile, am i not?
there is no one in egypt so hot.
buy baguettes by the bargeful:
such crafts are less chargeful
than beauty like what i have got.
"
"the long-legged dipodid birch mouse
is more of a leap than a lurch mouse.
one jumped on my fez!
free from deserts, now ""des""
is quite spoiled, much more temple than church mouse.
"
"what secrets of steel is prof. brian hiding?
a hardening process called cyaniding:
when salts oxidise, then
they release c and n,
which infuse into tough, tempered iron hiding.
"
"thanks to common it, i've a dread
that a virus is one click ahead.
when i look at a link,
pop-ups warn me to ""think!""
(with the text in commonitive red).
"
"i'm designing for strung, wind-borne flight.
you might think i'd go flattish and light.
let your thoughts be confounded!
copper arsenide, rounded,
makes a grey, domey domeykite kite.
"
"""double-winged"" let my words wend their way ?
as your name, from the greek, would convey.
yet you shrubs, dipteronia
genus, are phony: a
single wing helps your seeds stray.
"
"darlene, a cute female mechanic,
has a body that drives the guys manic.
they imagine scant panty-wear
when she calls for more ""antiwear,""
but on hearing ""ball-bearing,"" they panic.
"
"my pet rabbit has dug his way free!
dearest neighbour, oh where can he be?
help me hunt ? what allure!
i smell chicken chasseur! ?
and bring back my bunny to me?
"
"can you guess what this little seed-gripper did?
(its hind legs are so long, that young dipodid;
it's long-tailed and small-bodied: i
can tell it's dipodidae.)
well, it jumped on my head, the wee nipper did.
"
"he is fit (he works out and plays rugger),
and he's tactile (the man is a hugger).
he is more than a mate:
as a pair, we'd be great...
but he claims to be straight ? what a bugger!
"
"o, transmembranous protein, you dwell,
mitochondrial, deep in each cell.
to get oomph from o2
is your charge ? which you do,
enzyme cytochrome oxidase, well.
"
"""get some ale down your bushel!"" dad cried,
as he back-slapped me, brutal with pride,
shrinking bushel and peck
to refer to my neck.
""though you're small, there's a big man inside!""
"
"king of denmark, he ruled ? from this root ?
england, norway, some swede lands to boot.
though they say he once tried
to command back the tide,
he was not such a stupid cnut.
"
"men need vessels, son. don't be a dolt.
work that wood, till you're through with a jolt.
get your hole, then do more
(what comes next is a bore).
use your bolt auger: screw (and then bolt).
"
"i removed bits and bobs that i'd worn
and i showed 'im me wares: bullock's 'orn.
when i bullocked me load,
well, the currency flowed.
want a watch? see my junk ? it's in pawn.
"
"at the church of the waters of jordan
we are praying to get a new warden.
may the lord above situate
a recruit who'll edituate
without weeing where sacrament's poured on.
"
"playing cricket, those girls are no use.
rows of zeros, like duck eggs profuse,
are their scores ? dash! aw, shucks!
though they're all out for ducks,
i would love to go out for a goose.
"
"red and ""edible"", fruit of the crackerberry
keeps too fast to its seed ? it's no snacker berry.
keeping fast, the dwarf cornus
canadensis, they warn us,
snaps out pollen ? a high film-speed tracker berry!
"
"when i go on a tropical visit, i
get infested by pesky culicidae.
yes, mosquitoes sure suck!
if i have any luck
then they will, when my fly spray gets hissy, die.
"
"what's ch? the swiss whole, sliced like cheese
into 26 cantons; and these
law- and tax-wise determine,
in italian, french, ""german"",
and romansh ? strangely not cantonese.
"
"it's a feature of being a ferret, is am-
azingly onerous erotism ?
the arousal and fire,
the sex-mad desire,
three days slaves to nature's imperatism.
"
"is your ribbon worm armed? they can be a
bit ""hands-off"", can the old nemertea.
in this long-snouted phylum,
those with needle tips, style 'em
enopla (they're drabber and weer).
"
"little man, don't you know where your home is?
what's your genus? i think eliomys.
come and curl on my trilby,
a dormouse who will be
at home where there no need to roam is.
"
"ant and dec spoil your saturday slumber
as their antics first rouse you then lumber.
there are no (scotch the rumour!) ant
clones: equinumerant
still, they are equal in number.
"
"want an enzyme to treat nature's fluke? liaise!
want to shift clotted blood or lung gook? liaise!
you can split dna
but pick one way to say:
""d n ase"", ""dornase"", or ""deoxyribonuclease"".
"
"3d tellies, those powerful weapons
against wealth, by a subtle discrepance
between left and right views shone,
impart depth's illusion
to your pockets. (they cost more than 3d.)
"
"i've a baseball cap ? not that i play.
there's a skip to keep out the sun's ray
from my eyes as i stare
at the young bucks who wear
them, protecting their necks, the wrong way.
"
"""what is cobaltite?"" ""rock, i would guess,
that yields cobalt."" ""plus arsenic, yes,
and some sulphur."" ""it's rare.""
""it's like pyrite."" ""that's fair.""
""to describe it, let's all coass.""
"
"when in church, a collection is made
so the bills (and the priest) can get paid.
but we seek from the lord
something he can afford,
when a nice, concise collect is prayed.
"
"i hear decadence, more so decay,
for the ""falling down"" ways of today.
but i'd say the word decidence,
which shares latin precedents,
appears to have fallen...
"
"""puff our smoke ball, carbolic. don't sneeze
with the flu ? hundred pounds guarantees!""
was the company's ""puff"".
carlill, ill, called their bluff
and the court said, ""you'll pay for that wheeze!""
"
"the wild west, in the desert, is where a
large shrub grows, within the frontera,
it's the stretchberry, pal,
sometimes called chaparral
or perhaps downy forestiera.
"
"the language and people ewenki
can also be known as evenki.
we no longer use
the descriptor tunguz
(which means ""pig"" ? as an insult to men, key).

with a steppe change to pastoral, lowly, a
scant few have their home in mongolia.
but it's china and russia ?
in the taiga, no plusher ?
where some 65,000 (logged wholly) are.

in a mixed hunter-gatherer ploy,
herding reindeer's what most still enjoy.
but for how long's a mystery.
will their world soon be history?
that depends on evenks, my dear boy!
"
"they're constructing an inverse catenar-
y vault: an 18?-leaner ?
so, as mortar bonds parch,
the great ctesiphon arch
self-supports. khosrau couldn't be keener.
"
"rousing rhetoric, reach pan-hellenic,
the philippics are hardly irenic.
yet hostility ceases
and leaves us with pieces
that others will brand demosthenic.
"
"bite a coin? check its metal's the true thing?
losing teeth is an easy-to-do thing!
best preserve dentilation ?
both the coin's decoration
(zigzagged vees) and your own rounded toothing.
"
"decapsulation removes: kidney sheath;
extra data above and beneath
in a packet; bags sealed
in the evidence field.
try all three (only don't use your teeth).
"
"quel dommage! you don't seem quite au fait.
i'll direct you tout-droit, not astray
round the whole arrondissement,
with a brief ?claircissement
to explain what i'm trying to say.
"
"i love festivals! welsh ones i choose
to see drunk on industrial booze.
when i'm tanked up on ""meth-vod"", i
find that eisteddfodau
make me so happy, i ooze!
"
"chang: a place cameroonians hang.
harps from persia, once: changs (how they rang!).
ale from thailand: chang beer.
name for yangtze: chang's here.
grand slam tennis, young champ: michael chang.
"
"""diminished,"" some say ? that might mean
that my arch is inclined to the lean!
but it's broader than high ?
at least double; that's why
for diminished, i'd rather say skeen.
"
"i can't wait to get home to my cheese
for a cuddle with tongues and a squeeze.
the best source of bliss is
my old cheese and kisses:
my missus (or wife, if you please).
"
"we inherited al, a white elephant,
from my late and decidedly well-off aunt.
big beasts feast; but now we know
that to host an al beano
is an ""honour"" ? the costs are irrelephant.
"
"sampling alkenone gives me great pleasure.
it's a paleotemperature measure!
what's produced by plant plankton
is an index i've banked on ?
climatology's best buried treasure.
"
"i have noticed a marked correlation
between stage-fright and peltings. causation?
does the fear-sniffing mob
cow the coward they lob?
it's a chicken-and-egg situation.
"
"me before: coughing bad, oh what hell i'm in!
then me after inhaling some elemin:
i can breathe! what a tonic ?
canarium luzonic-
um oils, or the crystals i sell 'em in.
"
"why is flight sergeant picking on me?
on my record, he marked me ""cc"".
i felt wounded and piqued.
""i'm no cissy!"" i shrieked.
""you're confined to camp, gloria,"" said he.
"
"tap your toes to a latinate beat;
if it's brevis in longo you meet,
it's an anceps-style syllable
that is ""short in long""-fillable ?
at the end of your metrical feet.
"
"basal ganglia, known as bg,
are small clusters of neurons that we
need to move. but you're still!
low bg's made you ill!
raise your blood glucose ? have some sweet tea.
"
"i brought furs for this trip with my neighbour:
to the british antarctic, we'd labour.
but it's hot on this cruise ?
caribbean??? bq's
now bonaire, sint eustatius and saba?!!!
"
"desert dormice (the one selevinia)
live in cold kazakhstan and are skinnier
than they look; for that skin
holds new fur growth within.
(shed-pelt hats make me warmer and grinnier.)
"
"woolly dormice may look somewhat stocky
when lagged for cold climes, high and rocky.
in the land of the turk
most d. laniger lurk;
on my boulder-like bonce, my pets jockey.
"
"""here's your dormouse,"" i said, coffers swollen,
""one that's african, mainly angolan.
latin name's graphiurus
angolensis. assure us:
keep it under your hat ? 'cause it's stolen.""
"
"christy's dormouse: a small, furry boon
to north congo and south cameroon,
found in moist lowland forest
and the hat that my florist
is going to decorate soon.
"
"forest dormice of genus dryomys
(that's ""oak-mouse"") have left where their home is.
some dryomys nitedula
are nearing, on schedule, a
new nest where a smooth, hairless dome is.
"
"this grey squirrel-like cutie's incredible!
i must 'ave 'er. but where is she beddable?
i will 'arbour glis glis
in my 'at! she'll like this,
'cause they tell me this dormouse is 'eadable.
"
"hazel dormouse is common, it's said ?
a cute blonde who spends ages in bed.
summer evenings, you'll see,
when she's out of her tree,
she loves me (or the nuts on my head).
"
"in an arab or west asian garden,
if you startle a dormouse, say: ""pardon!
swap your boulder and shrub
for some shoulder-top grub?
be a rodent that life is not hard on!""
"
"the rare chinese dormouse is palp-
ably cuddly. in forests, sub-alp-
ine, it sleeps in tall trees.
can i have one? oh, please!
i'll wear stilts; it can nest on my scalp.
"
"""we ignore what the so-called pope saith
and restore you, king henry viii,
as fidei defensor ?
df writ immenser,
'defender of the (english) faith'.""
"
"in the trees, my hat twiggy and virid, i
lure out rodents of family gliridae
(that's myoxidae or
muscardinidae) ? dor-
mice ? to feed, eye to equally wearied eye.
"
"our accountants had quite a high torpor rate,
so it's us bosses now disincorporate.
they're dividing us off
from the firm. you may scoff:
your plate's princely, while mine's what a pauper ate.
"
"from the disco, they staggered and slunk
toward free coffee, dispensed by this hunk
(near some books marked with ""mark"").
he'll cu in the dark.
(should one take leaps of faith when one's drunk?)
"
"all these limericks should be hermetic.
self-contained is my chosen aesthetic.
author's note? that displeases.
i want no epexegesis
to explain and expand epexegetic.
"
"as they pulled off my pants down my thigh,
said the doctor, ""ck's slightly high.""
i screamed ""aaaaaaaaargh!!!"" (spelled with nine 'a's),
""high creatine kinase?
i'm heart-broken, doc! will i die?""
"
"in the name of the marquis de sade,
i've assembled a noble escouade.
it's a french-language squad.
we may strike you as odd.
we may strike you, in fact, very hard.
"
"set me free, let me be, dpp.
you're director of public, i see,
prosecutions: do choose
whom to try and accuse ?
but the public? that can't include me!
"
"as the lord of a lofty domain,
high regard from my subjects i gain.
in my tenement flat,
monkey, rabbit and rat
all respect my domanial reign.
"
"on the leaves of an autograph tree
i inscribed ""clusia major 4 me"".
once it's put down its roots,
fragrant flowers and fruits
are awash, the caribbeans see.
"
"doctors ordered a swift embryotomy
(for, if not, toxic shock might have got to me).
i am cut up inside
and the child that had died,
born in bits, means a bloody great lot to me.
"
"by degrees, i am screwed. grades impress;
about aptitude, hr cares less.
is obsessive credentialism
pro-inept preferentialism?
let me give an unqualified ""yes""!
"
"what's this beetle drive?  good british fun
(i.e. long and drawn-out).  it's begun
not by heading off far
in a small german car;
but you do have to start rolling one.
"
"""why couldn't you watch while you wait?
we'd have freshly baked cakes on each plate,
but for daydreams of war!
all that these are good for
is the fire, king alfred ? the grate.""
"
"of my motion, i don't know the source,
but my nature's to keep a straight course;
yet i'm hampered, i've found,
and i keep turning round,
drawn back in by centripetal force.
"
"the cathode ray tube (crt)
is the thingy that works your tv.
heated rods send out streams
of electrons; the beams
hit the screen; phosphor gleams rgb.
"
"""j. s. bach ?"" said the muso from ibrox,
""contrapuntal perfection: his vibe rocks.
he's not early baroque
(monteverdi's old stock):
papa bach is the first of the high b'roques.""
"
"there's a curse which my beauty imposes:
i must leave you before the club closes ?
for at twelve i'll mutate
to a pumpkin-ish state,
which i call apocolocyntosis.
"
"forest dormice, balochistan-bred,
keep attacking my pet heifer's head
with small mallets. why (how?)
do these mice bash my cow?
""ah, they're niethammer's,"" somebody said.
"
"small and cute, we let darkness obscure us.
we are african dormice ? demure, us!
in the trees, we eat bugs
(when not hugging the lugs
of a fan of the clan graphiurus).
"
"my african pygmy's a dormouse.
though it's not a nutritionally poor mouse,
graphiurus murinus
makes me ? if you've seen us,
with him on my head ? look enormouse.
"
"flying goldfish plants, tree-clinging, bold
(drawn-out flowers in red/orange/gold)
like the sun, more than some, near.
what luck for columnea
the american tropics aren't cold!
"
"the ""method"" director lee strasberg has
taught many of hollywood's crass burghers
to ape hoffman's tricks
(rainman's autistic tics) ?
and that's only the tip of the asperger's.
"
"out, vile jelly! that leer needs cessation.
you're a traitor, a blight on the nation!
both your eyes will be lost or
you'll die badly, gloucester ?
execution or just excecation?
"
"eea: the eu plus, by pact,
most of efta (the swiss, please subtract) ?
who, to capture free trade,
adopt laws that are made
which they don't have a say on, in fact.
"
"mosasaurus's fossilized frame?
though the chevron bones do look the same,
a deceitful old sneak
is this lizard; from greek,
apatosaurus its new latin name.
"
"camarasaurus: jurassic-aged beast
on which sauropod-eaters would feast.
a herbivorous hulk
bearing chambered-boned bulk,
it was rife; now its era has ceased.
"
"brontosaurus was struck off the list
because, frankly, it didn't exist.
an apatosaur hull
with a camarasaur skull
was a blunder, its thunder dismissed.
"
"there is something that eats on me, gnawing,
with teeth metaphorically sawing
and shredding my nerves
so my mind rarely swerves
from the worrisome nip of its jawing.
"
"as an eosophobe, what i fear
is when dawn's rosy fingers appear,
set to drag me from bed.
every daybreak i dread.
yes, it's sun-up ? too down to fake cheer.
"
"antiperspirants gum up your glands ?
so your sweat doesn't drip down your hands
from your ""pits of despair""
to the pile, filed with care,
labelled ""parking fines: final demands"".
"
"with that ""trouble downstairs"" of my pa's, he
is spending too long in the khazi.
kill or cure with the roots ?
weave a shroud from the shoots ?
of the fibre tree natives call bwazi.
"
"bda: what that means, there's no telling ?
british doodah [some word here indwelling]
association ? diabetic?
dental? deaf? diatetic?
or dyslexia (bad case of spelling)?
"
"she's a bottle brunette ? a home dyer,
of her hair hue a lying denier.
when she strips for the gym
and below needs a trim,
you can see that her pants are on fire.
"
"in the dry soils of east usa
grow these lavender-lookalikes gay.
the liatris i've got, it
has leaves micro-spotted:
this gayfeather's dotted, i'd say.
"
"carbamino is not, you should note, in
an opera, some fool mozart wrote in;
it describes what ensues
when that dread co2's
got attached to amino or protein.
"
"trying fragrance, not wearing my specs,
what i read as ""ck"" was ""cx"".
now i can't see at all,
breathing's hard, skin flakes fall,
and the smell scares the opposite sex.
"
"just what is it that ""baby bonds"" bind?
is it adults to young of their kind?
no ? a ctf must
give a child what the trust
holds in funds (when it's older), you'll find.
"
"what's the fluid to use for correction?
dripping water? a lethal injection?
or the paper-white paint
that can cover the taint
of an imbecile's inked imperfection?
"
"in the deeds, it's described as a ""dwellinghouse"",
but it's clearly a case-of-mis-selling house.
those who did once reside
must have stayed when they died
in this tellingly smelling, repelling house.
"
"major theme: absent fathers must pay.
major cock-up: the new csa.
britain's child support agency
would engender men's rage and see
women unpaid to this day.
"
"amalgamate two different parts
and their separate nature departs.
you'll find that it's fine
to blend and combine,
but teasing apart'll take smarts.
"
"appraise this brief verse as you will,
there are others yet briefer; but still,
when it comes to haiku,
i'm unsure what to do,
so i'll limerick 'til i've had my fill.
"
"an ambition of mine's to design
a routine to extract all the wine
of life from each day,
no matter how grey;
but if sometimes i falter, that's fine.
"
"here's a question that's likely to vex you all:
how do you know you're ambisexual?
do you try it each way?
or just wait for the day
when some either/authority checks you all?
"
"industrial standards in france
should never be left up to chance.
so don't break the rules
with equipment or tools,
or afnor will kick in ze pants.
"
"our lecturer blamed the abstruseness
of the book on its patent diffuseness.
but i'm onto his game?
and the author, the same:
i suspect it was just their obtuseness.
"
"fiona was caught unawares
when, as they got up from their chairs,
her date said, ""hey fee,
how would you like to see
the aquatints i keep upstairs.""
"
"a thespian said to a priest,
""you're a vicar, but i'm an artiste!""
said the priest, ""so you say.
but a great one? no way.
compared to us guys, you're the least.""
"
"in floodwaters, staying afloat
calls for use of a watertight boat.
or, if plucky (and lucky,
and sans rubber ducky):
hold tight to a backstroking goat.
"
"""afforest"" is when you ensure
your land is all leafy and pure
and all that's around
becomes hunting ground.
(it's also a song by the cure.)
"
"the flammable gas called acetylene
has hydro- and carbon, not metal, in.
the flame's a delight,
as it burns very bright,
but the odour is rather unsettlin'.
"
"an ace in the hole is an ace
dealt in poker, while hiding its face.
you wait for a showdown,
and then give the lowdown:
""gimme every damn cent in this place.""
"
"all the protests proclaimed it a crime
to employ agent orange ? big time.
but we know that's absurd:
we had kissinger's word!
(bet he never employed it in rhyme.)
"
"what a wonderful beast is the ant!
those who call it a pest should recant.
lifting ten times its weight?
don't you reckon that's great?
and just look at it dragging that plant!
"
"my soul had no water-borne birth.
a centaur inside? cause for mirth!
i'm neither aquarian
nor sagittarian:
my astral home's always been earth.
"
"when his jester diminished his bliss
with a watery gag on some miss
(a cornier joke
than the king liked), he spoke,
""what aqueous humour is this?""
"
"across-the-board changes are those
that overcome all of their foes,
and remove every shred,
from a through to z,
of everything everyone knows.
"
"it's hardly a musical crime
if the tunes that you play aren't sublime,
but i'm really pissed when
your accompanist then
has a terrible time keeping time.
"
"alkalis, also called bases,
are best kept from eyes and from faces.
if not, don't think twice:
seek your doctor's advice,
after rinsing appropriate places.
"
"i thought that i looked rather brainy in
the quiz, when defining ""albanian"":
the language and race
of a fairly small place
that you'll find on the mediterranean.
"
"i've always been thought altruistic,
intelligent, kind, and artistic.
i'm a lover of man.
i help where i can.
do you think a nobel's optimistic?
"
"asafoetida: foul-smelling spice
for curries, to eat with your rice.
hare krishnas enjoy
its flavour, but boy,
one whiff of it makes you think twice.
"
"said a maiden one midsummer's night,
""oh, i'm fairly aswoon with delight!
is it love in the air
makes me faint beyond bear?
or perhaps that my corset's too tight?""
"
"archaeology: study of old stuff,
conducted by those who behold stuff
made by romans or greeks.
when the ancient world speaks,
you should listen, 'cause some of it's gold stuff.
"
"what kitchen-sink drama! that pan?
he just hurled it the bedsit's whole span!
and now our man jimmy
is looking all grim; he
says, ""damn, i'm an angry young man!""
"
"he envied his neighbours' archdukedom;
each offer he made, they rebuked 'em.
he offered a million;
then a cool thirty billion.
when they turned down a trillion, he nuked 'em.
"
"the apteryx (commonly kiwi)
outdoes the bird scots call a peewee
in terms of its size,
but not when it tries
to fly; 'cause it cannae, in theowy.
"
"when something's described as adnascent,
it's growing upon or adjacent
to something nearby
that has turned a blind eye.
i myself wouldn't be that complacent.
"
"tell ya something that isn't so fun:
writing poems in anapest, son.
i don't like 'em at all,
and they make my skin crawl,
so i try not to write even one.
"
"whenever i said ""apartheid,""
my south african friends almost died.
""in our segregate state,
it was called apartheid,
or it was before nelson,"" they cried.
"
"some said it was hooked like a beak;
some saw it and hardly could speak.
whatever they did,
people said of our sid
that his aquiline nose was unique.
"
"the ammonites swam in the sea
around four hundred million b.c.
'til their elegant shells
settled under the swells;
now they're fossilized mollusc debris.
"
"analogy's hard to explain
in the space of a five-line refrain;
it's like having to show
every fact that you know
in a quarter of half a quatrain.
"
"when you're baiting a colleague for larks,
take care with astringent remarks:
the danger at work
is resentment can lurk
and the minnows will turn into sharks.
"
"a lad was chastised by his dad,
but was feeling surprised more than mad.
he took the admonishment
with some astonishment:
naughtiness don't equal bad.
"
"who cares if they're odd or tongue-twistery?
archaisms add to the mystery
of english, say i.
thou wouldst banish them? fie!
and gadzooks! hast thou no sense of history?
"
"an elephant (asian) once ate
every pineapple left on a plate
by a careless mahout
who forgot to point out
they were meant for his african mate.
"
"""alright,"" he insisted, ""let's start.
now, those who despise it, take heart:
we're taking this word,
alright, as you've heard,
and tearing it all right apart.""
"
"a fickle world leader thought, ""shall i
attack my dependable ally?
i think that i will.
go get 'em, boys! kill!
a most unreliable pal, i.""
"
"i begged for release from my plight;
i asked her all day and all night.
i nagged and i pleaded,
her patience exceeded?
at last she conceded. all right!
"
"tuning into your local kids' station,
you're likely to see animation:
from stop-motion clay
to japan's anime,
there's many a moving creation.
"
"the alphabet (roman) is set
and has been for ages; and yet
it'd be even better
with one extra letter?
but twenty-six, that's all you get.
"
"it may seem amusing and neat
to tackle this challenging feat
in extra-fast times,
but with this many rhymes,
whatever we do, they'll accrete.
"
"the will to succeed is ambition;
we lack it when writing our mission.
it is gobbledygook,
but by hook or by crook
we'll firm up our firm's new position.
"
"descartes was consuming roast yam,
but pronounced that he'd rather have lamb.
when he tried spinach drink,
ren? ventured, ""i think
that i am what i am what i am.""
"
"a gallery patron's distractedness
can tell us about her impactedness:
how the art makes her feel,
and whether it's real,
or whether there's too much abstractedness.
"
"if you're tired of dressing up formally,
consider behaving abnormally:
cover up in a sheet,
and wear clogs on your feet,
and groan like a ghost, paranormally.
"
"aqua, a light greenish blue,
and aquamarine, the same hue,
both stem, as they oughta,
from aqua, for water;
the stuff that the pisces swim through.
"
"astronauts, please all take note:
the things into space that you tote,
which stay safe and sound
way down here on the ground,
in agravic environments, float.
"
"""our alpha,"" the rabbi did say,
""is aleph; it's equal to a.
any jew who can write
and read hebrew can quite
likely handle a hundred each day.""
"
"fair alderney, island of channel!
your name graces many an annal.
though i see also now
it refers to a cow...
tell me, who was on that naming panel?
"
"we intended to climb all the alps,
but were standing there, scratching our scalps.
""there are just so damn many;
could we finish off any?""
""we can do just one alp, if that halps.""
"
"when engaged in their far-reaching duels,
politicians should follow the rules,
and never misstep on
their choice of a weapon.
atomic bombs suffer no fools.
"
"it's a function word, common in chat:
""at work,"" ""at the pub,"" ""at my flat.""
thanks to email and text,
we'll be writing ""@"" next...
im not sur wot 2 think about that.
"
"an associate prof may be lesser
when measured against a professor,
but if covered in tweed,
it's a challenge indeed
to determine the nattier dresser.
"
"modern arabic isn't a tongue
used by many whom i live among,
but in middle east lands
and north african sands
it is commonly spoken and sung.
"
"twenty-one of you, bring up the rear.
that's the ticket, boys: show 'em no fear!
all the rest, to the front;
take the enemy's brunt.
as for me, i'll be waiting right here.
"
"""as of today, say your prayers,""
go the media's climate-change scares?
as though nobody knew!
as to whether they're true,
as per usual, nobody cares.
"
"he'd hoped to spend saturday hopping
from left leg to right leg, flip-flopping;
but in some agitation
said, ""this alternation
is all too annoying. i'm stopping.""
"
"""it was like an attack with a rock,
or setting our phasers to shock.
we wounded his pride.""
unconvinced, kirk replied,
""that's too... analogical, spock.""
"
"there's one thing all anonyms know:
beware of the spotlight's hot glow.
they're always anonymous;
that, or pseudonymous.
(my anonym's ""fast escargot."")
"
"he was calm, he was poised, and assured;
to all manner of woes was inured.
wasn't like normal folk:
treated stress as a joke.
but they sacked him, and now the guy's cured.
"
"she's his diamond, his ruby, his pearl:
such a huggable, kissable girl.
of his eye, she's the apple;
he aches for the chapel.
too bad she's a trucker called burl.
"
"if you listen up now, i'll explain:
she's a woman from legends arcane;
and an evergreen shrub;
and a star system, bub.
that's andromeda. (phew, what a strain.)
"
"he's an all-around wonderful guy:
he can swim, he can drive, he can fly;
has the world in his head;
he's amazing in bed...
how i wish that he'd curl up and die.
"
"aliteracy: yes, you can read,
but the thought of it bores you indeed.
one look at a book
and your noggin's all shook,
and a newspaper makes your eyes bleed.
"
"don't fall into microsoft's trap
when they say it's a true killer app.
it might well excel,
but the outlook ain't swell:
the word on the street is it's crap.
"
"in bayeux, the museum has stacks on
the fate of the brave anglo-saxon:
how harold was killed,
and the future was willed.
the tapestry has all the facts on.
"
"amnesiac? me? utter rot!
you may think that i am, but i'm not.
why, i even remember
way back to september!
(what joke went in here? i forgot.)
"
"it was covered with lights ? how they strobed!
and like angels they were, all enrobed.
it was too much to bear!
we were raptured in prayer...
well, until we were anally probed.
"
"an aristo's one of the posh,
with a title, a mansion, and dosh;
and a daddy and mummy
whose accents are plummy
who always say ""spiffing"" and ""gosh!""
"
"the robin flew swiftly and sparrowy
in the straightest of lines (i.e., arrowy).
took him ten minutes flat;
nearly caught by a cat!
but he knew that the trip would be harrowy.
"
"with acid it's neato and keeno,
this compound (organic) amino:
abundant and rife
and essential for life,
kinda like what we call cappuccino.
"
"every item displayed will be sold:
the c-3po plated with gold,
all the stormtrooper guns,
and the faux-leia buns!
it's an empire of bargains, all told.
"
"when encouraging livestock creation,
handle mothers with care, not vexation:
artificial or real,
it's still a big deal
to be subject to insemination.
"
"king philip the second of spain
sent his ships off to england to gain
both its crown and its land;
the armada, though grand,
found the target too hard to attain.
"
"an affluent man of great wealth
once diverted the sewers by stealth,
on the self-centred grounds
(not as rich as it sounds)
that effluent's bad for the health.
"
"animal husbandry? yes,
it's a valid position, i guess.
looking after a beast
is a kindness, at least;
but divorcing 'em?man, what a mess.
"
"""anyways,"" says the cap'n, ""right now,
i'll be headin' some place 'round macau.
long as no-one objects,
we'll be goin' there next,
anywheres, anywise, anyhow.""
"
"if you fear that your visit will send
the wrong message, don't worry, my friend.
you can come anytime:
just commit any crime.
in the big house, you'll never offend.
"
"go on, doncha be so suspicious
'bout whether that mushroom's nutritious.
look, it's totally cool?
ain't a toadstool, ya fool...
and the aftereffects are delicious.
"
"among the best symbols there are
is the asterisk, finest by far.
it's used to append
extra words at the end
or in places that call for a *
*star.
"
"the work in the louvre ain't charmless,
so why not go look? it's quite harmless.
there's lots that's beguiling,
like mona, who's smiling,
and venus de milo, who's armless.
"
"if you're planning to get a divorce,
keep in mind what a judge can enforce.
don't do anything rash,
or you'll lose all your cash:
alimony could bleed dry a horse.
"
"their forebears were slaves once (alack!),
but they've always been proud to be black.
these americans who
are part african, too,
with a name claim their heritage back.
"
"duke william decided?for kicks?
that he'd give harold's army some licks
(dunno why?maybe bored)
in the year of our lord
anno domini 1066.
"
"in answer, my child, to your query:
all matter's atomic, in theory.
all physical articles
consist of small particles.
the finer points, though, make me weary.
"
"here's a piece that we got in today:
an example of new age crochet.
it can serve as a hat
or a belt, or... what's that?
a bit too artsy-craftsy, you say?
"
"here's an applicant you will admire;
i'd encourage you strongly to try 'er.
she's intelligent, skilled,
and her resum? killed.
yes, i'd say she's the finest applier.
"
"a seductress enticed a dictator,
""there's more for dessert, honey... later.""
she was hardly to know
when he struck her a blow
and afterwards sat down and ate her.
"
"the lone ranger peered over the brow
of the cliff, and when tonto asked, ""how?""
said, ""i should've yelled whoa!
but the canyon below...
well, it's all argentiferous now.""
"
"some housekeepers, out to impress,
will actively clean up a mess:
they'll grab mop and bucket
and start to de-muck it.
there's nothing i'd rather do less.
"
"i stuffed pita fibre, or arghan,
right into his mouth, really far, an'
he went, ""aaarrrgggh!
aaaaaaaarrrrggggh!
aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhh, man!""
"
"shop at bang-mart, for shooters real fine!
it's the one with a piece on the sign.
pre-owned bullets, ten cents;
and for cut-price defense,
there's assault rifles, $9.99.
"
"aerobatic displays make me loopy?
i'm a crazy ol' loop-the-loop groupie.
those magnificent scenes
with the flying machines...
like von richthofen fighting off snoopy.
"
"i propose that we all say finito
to premature ""words."" akihito?
the name of japan's
current emperor? man!
time for etymological veto.
"
"the national gallery of art
is a place rather close to my heart.
there are rembrandts to see,
and admission is free ?
so skinflindts can go, for a start.
"
"a dyslexic artiste from chi-lung
had a mishap and severed his tongue.
so with reading a chore
and performing no more,
he has mastered the art of fu kung.
"
"that philatelist, what a disgrace?
penny blacks stored inside an old case!
that's what albums are for:
keeping covers and more
all together in just the right place.
"
"when arousing his partner erotically,
cousteau liked behaving exotically:
he would don rubber suit,
and some flippers to boot,
and tickle her fancy aquatically.
"
"if under some cabinet glass
is a beetle with bottom of brass,
don't dither about it?
come right out and shout it:
""it's got an aeneous arse!""
"
"one adverb that chaucer would write,
namely alday, was always alright.
its meaning, you see,
was ""continually,""
as in all of the day and alnight.
"
"america's such a beaut place;
but its critics? a bloody disgrace.
all you pinkos who scoff?
you can just bugger off!
as republics go, crikey, we're ace.
"
"the aeneolithic's prolific
inventors were always specific
to make things by dint
of copper and flint;
using mud wasn't half as terrific.
"
"some people would think it insane
to fly in a jet aeroplane.
it's better, they've found,
to remain on the ground,
and travel by car, bus, or train.
"
"i recollect lives in odd pieces,
a miracle called anamnesis.
the reason is plain ?
my name's shirley maclaine.
stick that in your doctoral thesis.
"
"a migrating bird told her mother,
""i want to fly north like my brother!""
so her mum asked the shop
if the airline would swap
her own arctic return for another.
"
"""it's more than sufficient, my dear,""
said my aunt, ""and it's ample, i hear.
defining abundant
is never redundant;
i've made that abundantly clear.""
"
"any jeweller would make enough room in a
setting for these, i presume; in a
crystalline form,
i'd say ruby's the norm,
or else sapphire: two types of alumina.
"
"king arthur: some say he was fake,
others credit what legend hath spake.
i accept the accord
on the stone and the sword,
but what gives with that broad in the lake?
"
"""now i don't want you fretting, mama,
but i heard father crashed our new car.
no, no, no, no, he's fine!
he just drank too much wine.""
she replied, with such englishness, ""ah.""
"
"just a few little things to avoid:
an elephant, when it's annoyed;
any thug who shouts ""oi!""
or a horse made in troy;
the last album or two by pink floyd.
"
"the first in the alphabet, a,
can rhyme with the second one, b,
if pronouncing them, maybe,
as if you're a baby:
with schwa sounds, the kind heard in huh.
"
"carried over the waves by the breeze,
these people explored the south seas:
polynesian, malay,
malagasy; today,
austronesians are known as all these.
"
"so you reckon that pain wouldn't kill ya?
it's likely you've got algophilia.
you think you'd go ouch?
algophobic, i'd vouch.
now hand me those nipple clamps, will ya?
"
"what in olden days folk did by hand
is in modern times done rather grand.
our industrial scenes
are now full of machines:
automation reigns over the land.
"
"put a stereo in your corvette,
either 8-track or audiocassette,
so that every day, you
can rock out to the who:
you better, you better, you bet!
"
"if a boy makes no pass at a girl
who wears glasses, then what would unfurl
if she happened to try
those you wear when you fly?
i don't know, but let's give it a whirl!
"
"my therapist thought he could make
all my bad habits go. big mistake!
i still smoke and drink,
and i swear without think...
stop hitting me, dammit! you snake!
"
"toot toot! hullo, now! what's the deal?
it's a car with a frog at the wheel!
i say! tally-ho!
what a jolly good show?
mister toad in his automobile!
"
"a burglar in rome filled his bag
with a surfeit of silvery swag.
""all the aurum's a bore,
but i simply adore
the argentum (in shorter form, ag).""
"
"it's an instrument worth lots of cash
that sends particles off in a dash:
the incredible hulk
would approve of its bulk
and admiringly say, ""atom smash!""
"
"columbus was wrong in his quest:
the indies weren't off to the west.
later visitors learnt
that the indians weren't,
and that native american's best.
"
"november the second's the day
certain christians will gather and pray
for the faithful departed
whose souls have all started
to wend on their heavenly way.
"
"november the second's a day
when the faithful all gather and pray
for those who've departed
and... hang on, who farted?
some blasphemous souls here will pay!
"
"most antipollution-type laws
are destined to founder, because
most polluters have lawyers
whose typical ploy is
to find every loophole-type clause.
"
"antiwar? good for you, son! hear, hear!
let's avoid any bloodshed this year.
let's all lay down our arms?
trade our swords in for farms!
though i hear cromwell's troops are quite near...
"
"shove your landscapes, you boring old fart?
i'm dada! r. mutt! anti-art!
it's the end of the old?
it's exciting! it's bold!
here, i'll sign this urinal, to start.
"
"your career isn't quite non-existent,
but the top of the ladder is distant
in collegiate terms
if your pay-slip confirms
your professorship rank is assistant.
"
"to the north is the town of trieste;
balkans east and there's italy west.
though the proud adriatic
has charms, the aquatic
expanse to the south is the best.
"
"on the mediterranean shore
grow fragrant pink flowers galore.
young mountain goats clamber
for herbs known as amber-
boa from greece to lahore.
"
"if adelaide isn't familiar,
don't get in a tizzy, now will ya.
it's only your failure
to know south australia?
though learning its city won't kill ya.
"
"the colour of leaves is called blue.
the sound that a dog makes is moo.
what's that you say, son?
yeah, your dad's having fun;
the aforegoing facts are untrue.
"
"abudefduf is not some mistake
that a kid on a keyboard would make
when he randomly hits
any key with his mitts;
it's a ""damsel fish""?no, it's not fake.
"
"my amplifier handled the cramps
with ease: they all sounded like champs.
so for hour on hour,
i cranked up the power,
and gave it a few extra amps.
"
"""i'm up in the air?i'm aloft!""
cyril said; but his dad only coughed.
""very funny, my lad,
but you must think i'm mad;
you're my first-born, not airborne,"" he scoffed.
"
"for alcohol, look for a sign
for ""spirits and beer"" or for ""wine.""
then drink it down quick
before you get sick;
beforehand, it tastes mighty fine.
"
"""aha!"" you exclaim in surprise
when you cannot quite credit your eyes;
it's what you might say
at some curious display
or upon being told something wise.
"
"a virgin could not acquiesce
when his girlfriend began to undress.
""please stop it!"" he cried,
to which she replied,
""i abhor your abstemiousness.""
"
"all yer learnin' means nothin' to me.
i'm an anti-intellectual, see?
all yer theatre and art?
think yer so bloody smart!
well, a hard knockin' beats a degree.
"
"in the pub quiz, each answer i'd utter,
the quizmaster ""uh-uh"" would mutter.
""so it's hot, and it's slow...
it's a sauna-bath, no?""
""it's lava."" ""oh, a'a,"" i splutter.
"
"acrobatic: high places she climbs.
mathematic: he's looking for primes.
i'm ecstatic: in love.
in the attic: above.
automatic, this writing of rhymes.
"
"australia is where i was born:
a land full of paddocks and lawn;
where sheep roam the plains?
which maybe explains
why the grasses are constantly shorn.
"
"when next at a local election,
just watch how they stop the detection
of names on each vote
(or each ballot); then note
that australia devised this protection.
"
"hear the story of peregrine took,
as (with merry), by hook or by crook,
he unites with the ents
to defeat foul intents,
in the two towers audiobook!
"
"it's maybe my favourite season,
is autumn: quite rainy and breezin',
but still fairly warm;
and the change in the form
and the colour of leaves is most pleasin'.
"
"attila, says gibbon's vast tome,
in 452 attacked rome,
bagging booty and scalps;
then returned through the alps
to his woman (""oh, honey! i'm hoooome!"").
"
"australians all, let us rejoice!
we're unusual, bonzer, and noice.
we're young and we're free,
and our home's girt by sea.
(she's a mate of me great-auntie joyce.)
"
"young agnes, a martyr and saint,
thought marriage had too great a taint,
and on heavenly urgin'
remained as a virgin:
your patron, if bonking you ain't.
"
"the anzacs fought bravely, they say,
in gallipoli, even though they
faced a ludicrous task,
so it's not much to ask
to remember them on their own day.
"
"so he meets with a shifty young guy
who says, ""man, wanna give this a try?
it's some powerful stuff!""
he agrees, ""strong enough...
but your asking price, man, is too high.""
"
"saint andrew, oor bonnie apostle:
och aye, he's an icon colossal.
but wha's tha', the noo?
andy's their patron too?
how can whisky and vodka both jostle?
"
"that aircraft that did the last drop, a
half-plane kinda thing, and half-chopper?
write this with yer biro:
""the cartel's autogiro.""
that's as much as i'm telling ya, copper.
"
"alicante, valencia? s?!
it's the place en la costa for me.
let's all fly there with pete.
so you're coming, yeah? sweet!
ali can't, eh? oh well, just us three.
"
"archaisms used on the net
(like that capital n) look all wet.
writing out ""world wide web""?
it's the web now, you pleb!
and you're using ""e-hyphen-mail,"" yet!
"
"if your jaunt your great aunt seeks to haunt,
and to daunt her you want, say ""avaunt!""
it conveys, ""go away!
do not darken my day!""
it's the anti-aunt taunt you can flaunt.
"
"a boxer knocked out in round three
thought he'd write to muhammad ali
for his secret?who wrote,
""what you do is, you float
like a butterfly, sting like bee.""
"
"amiens, dans le nord de la france,
has une church of tr?s, tr?s grand expanse.
i could stay there all week?
c'est une ville magnifique!
(do you parlez franglais, par une chance?)
"
"aloha's a word for ""hello""?a
hawaiian term, wouldn't you know?a
pronouncement of greeting
(they use it when meeting),
but also farewell: so, aloha!
"
"to arabize, make like an arab:
eat oranges, couscous, and carob.
spend time in the sun;
wear a headdress?it's fun!
(but no animal charms, like a scarab.)
"
"a professional chef got 'er wish
when a restaurant served up 'er dish
to a critic of note;
but the ignorant scrote
said 'er efforts were amateurish.
"
"there once was a man from dundee
who hammered away at his knee:
he gave it some whacks
with his almighty axe,
all done acrimoniously.
"
"afrikaners are people who speak
afrikaans, full of words like fabriek.
they're also called boers;
britain fought them in wars
(though in africa, that's not unique).
"
"avocado has flesh like green butter;
on crackers, it sets me aflutter.
its alligator skin
keeps the pear that's within
from rotting and making you splutter.
"
"""look after your vessels aortic,""
i said to my friend astronautic.
""it's not a great place
for a heart attack, space.
one giant leap?pow! rigor mortic.""
"
"those olympian gods were a bore:
zeus and hera, and artemis?snore!
they were far too abundant,
and now they're redundant.
(except ares, the greek god of war.)
"
"a comet hit london?kerpow!
said the last one alive, ""holy cow.
hope and glory have passed.
i'm the first and the last...
i'm the alpha and omega now.""
"
"climbing everest, soon i felt beat.
had to rest?even thought i'd retreat.
""the altitude here
climbs forever, i fear.
it's twenty-nine-thousand-odd feet!""
"
"""good heavens. that's cause for concern,""
says the captain?and soon his men learn:
if you crew the titanic,
it's too late to panic
when the boss commands, ""full steam astern!""
"
"it's a feldspar, is amazonite;
a green one, apparently?right?
don't you see, it's a stone,
not the person you phone
at some mammonish book-selling site.
"
"the insurers said, ""thanks for your claim;
you're underinsured, all the same.
so you won't get the actual
cash value; in fact, you'll
get fifty percent?what a shame.""
"
"the adenohypophysial
pituit'ry lobe is for real,
but i don't have a clue
as to what it can do,
or what glandular scans might reveal.
"
"and now, as you're all so insistent:
i shall sever in half my assistant!
so, lie down my dear...
here's the saw... have no fear!
(hmm. her ribcage is rather resistant.)
"
"my arms?they won't wave! they just keep
kinda hanging?refusing to sweep!
they're no longer alive!
call a medic!... oh. i've
only rolled on them during my sleep.
"
"vice-presidents rarely will trample
their dance partners' feet. for example,
al gore was so rhythmic,
he was near algorithmic:
he danced like a flawless code sample.
"
"when superman said to his rival,
""you're risking the planet's survival!""
lex laughed, ""never fear,
there's a backup right here:
a set of earth blueprints archival.""
"
"what a pitiful, horrible man.
personality? none! and no plan!
who'd want him as mp?
well it sure wasn't me:
i'm the snivelling jerk's also-ran.
"
"the amir of morocco once swore
there'd be no more immoral amour.
""no whores! it's an order!
or you're for the border!
nor scoring of porn, or what for!""
"
"america's feeling elation
at bush hanging onto his station?
apart from those few
casting votes for the blue,
who are fearing abalienation.
"
"my other co-workers revile 'em,
but me, i just process and file 'em.
they govern our day
so much, you could say
that the lunatics run this asylum.
"
"mild-mannered reporter clark kent
showed a friend how a hero's pose went:
""so here's the trick, jimbo:
the stance is akimbo,
with hands on hips, so, and arms bent.""
"
"the story of mr j. merrick
was filmed by that most esoteric
director, d. lynch.
the result makes one flinch,
but it really is quite atmospheric.
"
"there once was a wanton young bimbo
who danced a peculiar limbo:
she flailed around
as she sank to the ground,
and rose with her arms set akimbo.
"
"so i said to ol' lopsided greg,
""tell me, why in the world do you beg?""
he responded, ""before,
when i bought that chain saw?
well, it cost me an arm and a leg.""
"
"a junta decided it rational
to take a few cues from a passional,
granting amnesty to
all those prisoners who
were attracting support international.
"
"i apologise, right? yeah, i'm sorry.
i regret having caused you such worry.
i'm remorseful. contrite.
it was dark out at night
when i flattened your cat with my lorry.
"
"madagascar's extinct aepyornis
the biggest bird ever was born is.
with ten-gallon eggs
and enormous great legs,
this is one that i'm 'appier gone is.
"
"a christian says, ""go, jesus, go!""
while an atheist argues, ""god, no.""
but rather less caustic
is someone agnostic,
who just says, ""oh, i wouldn't know.""
"
"anastasia, the tsar's youngest daughter,
was thought to have hid from the slaughter
by some who would rather
she'd ruled like her father.
my theory? the bolsheviks caught 'er.
"
"montresor, please heed my last call.
i can still hear you out in the hall.
no amontillado
aficionado
drinks sherry behind a brick wall!
"
"steve's activeness thrills all his mates,
and his eagerness never abates:
""crikey!"" he'll shout,
""now the only way out
is the croc-based demise that awaits!""
"
"when dracula looks for a wife
he eternally runs into strife:
a kiss on the neck
leaves his darling a wreck.
the undead are just too antilife.
"
"well, seeing as how we're all here,
let's examine our plan for next year.
item 1: war on terror.
item 2: system error.
(oh, the laptop's gone down. dear oh dear.)
"
"it induces a cranial fug,
so avoid the falciparum bug
by swilling a pill
that'll hinder or kill
it?an antimalarial drug.
"
"aspartame's a substitute sweet
you can add to a sugar-free treat.
(but a warning: all phenyl-
ketonuric-type men'll
react to it. you stick to beet.)
"
"the arabic alphabet's read
right to left (roman's left-right, instead).
the part i forget is
its actual letters?
their numerals, i have in my head.
"
"""you've got to fight back,"" mother fussed;
""yes, mum,"" i replied, ""guess i must.""
but somehow i knew
that the school of kung fu
was a place where i'd never adjust.
"
"an astronaut circles the earth
in a vessel of limited girth;
when he presses his face
to the window, sees space
simply dwarfing the place of his birth.
"
"our approximate time of arrival
at howard the duck: the revival?
a bit after eight.
every minute we're late
increases our chance of survival.
"
"all-inclusive? yep, comes with the lot.
for ninety-nine ninety, you've got...
* all forty-eight books!
* these steak knives for cooks!
* and the george foreman grill! man, it's hot!
"
"anubis, egyptian divine:
like a man, but on top of his spine
was a jackal-like head.
he would lead off the dead
to osiris, their fate to assign.
"
"although picking the good words can please,
an alternative way to write these
is to choose one in three;
or alternatively,
you could head out and take in the breeze.
"
"goliath gregorius grape
was the size and the form of an ape.
his every scintilla
suggested gorilla:
the guy was an anthropoid shape.
"
"i live on a cold asteroid
reading skinner, vygotsky, and freud.
i circle in space
in this fragmented place?
psychologically speaking, a void.
"
"attend to this wound, will you, nurse?
and to this one?my god, even worse!
and his leg... and his gut...
and this knife in his butt...
never mind. matron, call for a hearse.
"
"start explaining atemporal? i'm
pretty sure that the meaning's sublime,
that it's open and shut
definitionally, but
i'm afraid that we're right out of time.
"
"the lego? designs i assemble
don't often too closely resemble
the ones on the box,
and when subject to shocks
leave me fearing collapses, atremble.
"
"the alderfly, insect neuropterous,
has wings; its relations psocopterous
either may or may not,
although no bug has got
any wings that rotate helicopterous.
"
"she lay on the sheets and said sensually,
""come talk to me sexy in french, uli.""
such a talented man?
he's a tongue with a tan:
accomplished in bed and accentually.
"
"not all things take regular form:
some you think will be hot can be warm.
the everyday stuff
is familiar enough,
but atypical things aren't the norm.
"
"the aye-aye likes night?he's a ghost
who retires by dawn, at the most.
he sticks his long finger
where most wouldn't linger?
to winkle out grubs for his toast.
"
"""i can fix it, no probs, it's a snap,""
said the bloke.  ""the distributor cap
is just loose, so don't panic.""
what a charming mechanic?
altogether a promising chap.
"
"our society's so atomistic?
""i'm a somebody, not a statistic!""
but therein lies the puzzle:
we all wear its muzzle.
[too dismal? or just fatalistic?]
"
"when stapling some papers from scratch,
why not pinch a bunch more for the batch?
whether a4 or letter,
there's nothing that's better
than snatching a batch to attach.
"
"he's head over heels for the girl;
both his heart and his mind are awhirl.
how he's yearning to grapple
his eye's candy apple!
as centerfolds go, she's a pearl.
"
"when columbus one day ventured forth,
lisping, ""thet uth a wethterly courthe!""
he was hardly to know
that his voyage would show
the americas, south and then north.
"
"the graces to greeks are aglaia,
euphrosyne, too, and thalia.
these goddesses' charm
and their beauty disarm.
they're like slices of perfect papaya.
"
"if a feller were waxing rhetorical
that hitler consulted an oracle
who said he'd get stronger
invading wodonga,
i'd tell 'im that sounds ahistorical.
"
"i'll give you a bloody bad arm-lock
fer windin' up my new alarm clock!
its ringin' is ace?
yes it is! shut yer face!
look, wake up, or you'll come ta harm, cock.
"
"despite many a lethal occasion,
like famine, and war, and invasion,
and rulers who kill?
despite all of it, still
over half of the planet is asian.
"
"to avoid ever coming to harm or
your end, just invest in some armour.
in sheet-metal suits
with pointy-toed boots,
life is always substantially calmer.
"
"he felt like a sexual traitor,
but was lacking the right activator?
'til his wife filled the bill
with a little blue pill.
now some viable grabbings await 'er.
"
"my uncle would often aver
that munda's the same as mon-khmer.
but up in the attic,
his austroasiatic
thesaurus declined to concur.
"
"take a silicate, then add some water;
leave it millions of years (maybe shorter);
keep it dripping or just
let it slowly encrust:
you've got allophane. sorta like mortar.
"
"you attain it, you gain it, it's yours:
your competitors lost in their cause.
never hand your win back!
(though a threat of attack
may be reason to give you some pause.)
"
"to win people's minds and their hearts, he
thought, ""i know: get crafty and artsy!
an adornment or two...
ja, an armband will do.
with a swastika, 'cause i'm a nazi.""
"
"arm wrestling's my favourite sport:
the tension! so gripping! so fraught!
my gran (eighty-three)
likes it too; good for me,
because she's the main person i've fought.
"
"in asgard, three norse gods of war,
namely woden and frigga and thor,
thought they'd all be unique,
and have days of the week
named after them. loki's still sore.
"
"when action man's looking for bigger
excitement, he works as a rigger;
or soldier, or spy.
he's a flexible guy:
goes after the action, i figure.
"
"my dad doesn't like what's on top a'
our outhouse: a roof of new copper.
he said, ""but i do go
for roofs of aerugo;
if mum tries to clean it, you stop 'er.""
"
"an art house is where you will find
all those films of less-popular kind,
like a subtitled drama
of some lonely farmer
who's russian, or crazy, or blind.
"
"he's a sensitive youngster?and how.
once was stung by a wasp?holy cow!
so allergic was he
that he died, almost.... see?
he's in anaphylactic shock now.
"
"akola was where i had gotten
this indian cloth of fine cotton.
looks great on the bed,
or as curtains instead;
but in trouser form, man, it looks rotten.
"
"said the doc to his mate, ""it's because, mick,
you've got no sense of smell: you're anosmic.
you can't sniff a whiff;
why, it's almost as if
the receptors are blocked in your schnoz, mick.""
"
"i'll kick you smack dab in the head!
""don't mock my alarm clock,"" i said!
it functions quite well
from the key to the bell.
now again i say, ""get out of bed!""
"
"dude! you should do it! you should!
it's amazingly, awesomely good!
first you jump from the plane,
then the rush melts your brain!
i would do it myself, if i could.
"
"the crew of the ship gave a roar
when they heard ""let the ee-eagle soar"":
along for the journey
was us attorney
general ashcroft! (they'd heard him before.)
"
"a bird on the wing met a slight
irritation while trying for height:
""this calamitous fog
left my chest all a-clog!
but my air sacs are keeping me light.""
"
"an apologue follows the trail
of beasts, be they minnow or whale.
old aesop a few did,
most fauna included,
from mice to a fox with no tail.
"
"so you're an assurer? you sure?
yeah, i reckon you've heard that before.
so, i die in a ditch
and my kids'll be rich?
well, i can't insure anything more.
"
"roberto the white-skinned albino
frequents cafe-bars to drink vino.
""one more bottle of red!""
""eurgghhhh... my head...""
""waiter! a strong cappuccino!""
"
"whether ""forecasting"" sounds a bit chancy,
or ""meteorology"" fancy,
you'll always do better
to mimic belles-lettres,
and say you pursue aeromancy.
"
"in the great war, the british-led nations
looked poorly on deutsch appellations,
renaming their pets
with staunch epithets:
german shepherds turned into alsatians.
"
"amazingly, no one has chosen
these words; with amazement i'm frozen.
my amazedness knows
no bounds; i suppose
(amazedly) everyone's dozin'.
"
"my delightfully french condominium
had shutters of fine aluminium;
except there were two
that were still left to do,
so i said to the builder, ""you fini 'em.""
"
"assyriology studies the hour
when carvings of lions would tower,
and the myths of iraq
could be found on a plaque:
the era of babylon's power.
"
"if yours is the singular dream
to question the things that don't seem
so well understood,
just pull on your hood
and head for the fair academe.
"
"you reckon it aggravates? wait?
what you mean there is irritate, mate.
pay heed, girls and boys:
irritation annoys,
while to aggravate worsens that state.
"
"it was probably far too ambitious
of the doughtier long-ago fishes
to crawl from the seas
and walk among trees,
but the outcome was fairly propitious.
"
"was atlantis impressive? you bet!
the most fabled of lost cities yet.
but its shrine to poseidon
went under the tide, 'n'
its fans never let us forget.
"
"with ardour i gaze on thee, love;
an angel thou art from above.
tell me not 'tis all over!
i was ever the rover?
i'm the cat amongst pigeons, my dove.
"
"the butchery staff wouldn't stop
cutting work, 'cos of beefs with the shop.
they were way too relaxed?
'til their jobs were all axed.
now they're gutted it got 'em the chop.
"
"angelica: flavoursome root,
which, in herbal concoctions, will suit
most medicinal needs?
not your typical weeds.
and it's good eaten candied, to boot.
"
"as governor phillip traversed
sydney harbour, he doubtless conversed
with his fellows, ""so what
should we label that lot?""
""aborigines. they were here first.""
"
"some roman centurions have
found a time machine! watch, as they nav-
igate here to our year,
and in new york appear,
hailing, ""ave, o madison ave.!""
"
"if someone's exceedingly driven,
this is axiomatically given:
he should certainly stop,
else the curtain may drop.
what's the point, if a life's not worth livin'?
"
"when assailed by assassins demented,
i assuaged them until they relented;
i asked them en masse
to assault not mine ass.
rest assured?the assassins assented.
"
"an air bag's designed to inflate,
stopping windscreens from hitting your pate.
after all, why be dead?
(also, radiohead
wrote a song of that name. they're so great.)
"
"the gangsta confused the whole nation
when he rapped a mathematic equation.
it ain't the tradition
to rhyme in addition?
no homies respec' calculation.
"
"paul simon once said to his pal,
""wrap me up in aluminum, hal.
yes, wrap me in foil.
be careful! i'll spoil!
very good. now you can call me al.""
"
"who says that we agers are gray?
we turn lamps on and watch them all day.
  when the bulbs die, we change them,
  then log and arrange them!
our agenda is dazzling, i'd say.
"
"an abada stabbed at a crab
with its fabulous horn, but a grab
from a claw at its nose
made the rhino suppose
that the forecast for dining was drab.
"
"anti-globalization impressed her?
a night in the cells will soon test her
commitment to fairness
and global awareness:
no logo's a no-go?arrest her!
"
"herr chancellor konrad was torn
from the world before punk rock was born.
bad luck, adenauer:
you chose the wrong hour.
you missed a rad chance to hear korn!
"
"almost any event vaguely topical,
as often as not, is anthropical,
or human-related;
if man leaves you sated,
move somewhere deserted and tropical.
"
"""you're a chauvinist pig, born and bred?
all those macho ideas in your head!
even how you address me
is meant to oppress me.""
""that's arguable, baby,"" he said.
"
"it's the life of a pirate for me?
a looting and pillaging spree!
yes, i'll buckle my swash
(an adventure, by gosh!)
once i've finished this nice cup of tea.
"
"a purchaser once was inspired
to purchase until he'd acquired
all he could as a buyer.
he was quite the acquirer,
acquiring until he expired.
"
"my sweetheart will search near and far
for wardrobes; at one large bazaar
her fixation grew worse,
and she reached in her purse
to shell out for a wicker armoire.
"
"there once was a scary-eyed humanoid
who was, he would constantly fume, annoyed;
his eyes, although round,
lacked a protein that's found
within egg whites: ""they just ain't albuminoid!""
"
"we nicknamed the first of 'em argle;
the other, his brother, was bargle.
in the car, they would fight
every day and all night,
argle-bargling until invercargill.
"
"impregnable up on its hill,
a castle ain't easy to kill.
but cannon and mortar
should hasten the slaughter:
arsenal 1, castle 0.
"
"agene once whitened our flour,
but we use less and less by the hour,
'cos this chemical stuff
is just not up to snuff
now that genes are the germ of our power.
"
"thurman thought that her tests were ideal,
but the screener said, ""uma, we feel
that you're not right for gattaca:
you should be dramatic-er,
and don't have the proper allele.""
"
"when it came time for nature to form us
she gave us no fur that might warm us?
though some are too hairy
(like werewolves?quite scary).
did she err, or prefer the abnormous?
"
"a parisian mineral master
discovered about alabaster
that translucent lime,
when ground, is sublime
for mixing a castable plaster.
"
"the alderman said to the meeting,
""there are five other boroughs we're beating!
we're the greatest; the best!""
blah de blah?all the rest.
all the council are sick of his bleating.
"
"the antarctic's impossibly white,
and its polar snow's ever so bright
in december?all day,
so i've heard people say.
in midwinter, it's always midnight.
"
"if a comrade with ak-47
should point it your way, you should leaven
your words with some praise
for his socialist ways,
or you'll end up in bourgeoisie heaven.
"
"a paramour danger once courted
by savouring sweeties assorted.
his honey found out?
""you confection'ry lout!""
now his plans to eat candy are thwarted.
"
"thanks to stays in each corset, baleen
once adorned every ballroom-floor queen,
straining waists without fail;
now it stays in the whale,
where it tastefully strains its cuisine.
"
"a bap is a small roll of bread
here in britain; it's what you are fed
if you fancy for luncheon
some savoury muncheon?
though chaps nibble wraps now, instead.
"
"i said to the fishmonger, grundy,
""good sir, do you have barramundi?""
""the tropical perch
found in queensland? i'll search...
nah, we ran outta that one on sund'y.""
"
"they think surgical studies are done
inhumanely; they'd rather see none.
the account antiviv-
isectionists give
is it's cutting up monkeys for fun.
"
"""i'm telling you, son, war is hell.
it was painful to shoot every shell!""
""gee, pa, i'm intrigued?
were you battle-fatigued?""
""no, i just couldn't aim very well.""
"
"the bald eagle, american raptor,
now faces a challenging chapter:
its range is reduced,
and its prey have deduced
where to go to stay free of their captor.
"
"betrayal's his favourite tack,
and he writes out of spite?mind your back.
if you value your life,
watch his mouth and his knife:
he's a backbiting, backstabbing hack!
"
"""the critics may all be discounting
my hopes, but i'll soon be amounting
to more than a cabbage,""
said professor charles babbage.
""analytical engine, start counting!""
"
"playing records, the part i loved most
was to flip 'em and sample the host
of odd b-sides thereon.
will those days soon be gone,
now that seven-inch singles are toast?
"
"in britain, ""the top of the pops""
means a song that you'll see in the shops
from london to tayside?
the number one a-side
of singles that haven't been flops.
"
"want alternative ways to spell fish?
follow george bernard shaw, if you wish:
try a recombination
of enough, women, nation.
have some ghoti with the chips on your dish!
"
"there once was an amorous yeti
who used as his lure amaretti:
heard that one macaroon
makes a yeti girl swoon,
so he knew pretty soon he'd get sweaty.
"
"when a roman was looking to store
a selection of liquids galore,
he had just the idea:
he'd march to ikea
for amphorae sold as ""amf?rr.""
"
"thoreau's walden, a pond most serene,
had developed an unpleasant sheen.
henry's neighbours agreed
it was 'cause of the weed;
surface algae had turned it all green.
"
"dutch advocaat's quite the liqueur,
the contents of which i am sure:
there's sugar and eggs,
while some brandy adds legs
to lay you flat out on the floor.
"
"the bitter-sweet taste, aigre-doux,
is passable in a french roux,
but it's a mistake
to eat aigre-doux cake,
so don't you be too eager to.
"
"one word with an undeserved taint
is surely the infamous ain't.
it's all we have got
to shorten am not,
as amn't is awfully quaint.
"
"a person of some foreign race
or a little green being from space:
whatever their kind,
in each case you'll find
an alien's not from your place.
"
"transgressing the norms of society
can fill you with nervous anxiety.
if you don't want to get
an undignified sweat,
you should always behave with propriety.
"
"if ever your temper should snap,
you should make no attempt to affrap
(which is to say, strike)
anyone you dislike,
or they might affrap back with a strap.
"
"in britain, the subject of weather
brings colleagues and strangers together,
but one more refresher
on air and its pressure
and i'm at the end of my tether.
"
"my cabbie seemed stern and severe?
though he drove holding two mugs of beer!
he was plastered, the lout,
so i tried to help out,
but he said, ""i'm th' driver, austere.""
"
"said professor erasmus kildare,
when denied an emeritus chair
in babyish studies:
""you guys aren't my buddies!
i hate you! i hate you! not fairrrr!""
"
"i was playing the sergeant at snooker,
when i spied on his hand a verruca;
so i reached in my pocket,
withdrew a small rocket,
and blasted it with a bazooka.
"
"herr detective! schnell, looken zie zere!
kaiser berti vas murdered! but vere
is ze culprit? ach, nein!
it's his servant, ze svine!
ja, ze archbutler did it, i svear.
"
"auf wiedersehen, liebchen; farewell!
i'm off to the front for a spell.
if my mother should call,
say i'm having a ball;
if the kaiser should call, give him hell.
"
"""auf wiedersehen, liebchen; farewell,""
she heard her departing beau yell.
how could he say that?
the despicable rat!
they had sechs crates of bratwurst to sell!
"
"sebastian was thankful when he
was skewered with arrows; you see,
the guy was a saint,
and they usually ain't
as sick of the archers as me.
"
"malign afibrinogenemia:
disease of the blood, like leukemia.
the fibrinogen's gone
from your plasma; hereon,
you're screwed. (cf. hypoglycemia.)
"
"he went down to the creek an' he panned it,
then, jes' as he carefully planned it,
gave all of his gold
to the bank fer to hold?
where it all was done stole by a bandit.
"
"of the elements starting with b,
only six are exciting to me:
be and ba
through bi, -h, and -k,
and br (b is boron, you see).
"
"oh, look, darling?what do you know!
it's old what's-his-name. jolly good show!
and you just heard him shout...
was it... ""immigrants out""?
(he's a bnp member. let's go.)
"
"if you need to climb over a fence
that is made from barbed wire, it makes sense
not to slip and get caught
'tween the legs (there's a thought):
such a balls-up leaves any man tense.
"
"bush is anti-environment?he's
too complacent about what he sees.
says we're ""cleaning the air""!
that's as likely, i swear,
as a trouble-free exxon valdez.
"
"mrs quail said, ""i don't wanna gwouse,
but this cweature keeps chewing me, spouse.""
mr q. said, ""that true?
then he's gnawing on two...
time to quit with the biting, you louse!""
"
"in belgium, the eurocrats play
in a palace of chocolate all day,
then swan around brussels
to gobble the mussels
and waffle the evening away.
"
"fletcher christian sent off william bligh,
without charts or a means of supply,
in a small open boat.
forty-six days afloat!
but the blighter neglected to die.
"
"give me birdsong: so subtle, so sweet!
so expressive, with such a fair beat!
who could ever forget
that divine minuet,
""tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet""?
"
"i biroed this limerick by hand
with a biro, or ballpoint; i'd planned
to delight you in cursive,
but ink is dispersive
when drawn from a second-rate brand.
"
"fresh images, still, as they stun
us with thoughts of the lives left undone;
hard, still, to remember
that splintered september:
9/11/2001.
"
"the terribly big and the small;
the short and the awfully tall.
the whole of creation
has this designation:
the word for the lot of it's all.
"
"the fish in a tank think it's great
when people add air to their state.
they exhibit elation
at water aeration,
so don't you just stand there?aerate!
"
"when wandering over kilkenny way,
i was wondering, ""what does a penny weigh?
is it less than a pound?""
but the locals just frowned?
seems they're all using euros now, anyway.
"
"an antre's a cavern or cave.
to enter, you'll have to be brave:
an ogre resides
in its sombre insides.
you'll be cantering into your grave.
"
"his dad, i guess, gave him a start in
his chosen career, by impartin'
a love of the word,
and perhaps the absurd:
""call the next one dead babies, young martin.""
"
"our aunt of a hundred and one
banned our antics before they'd begun.
she dismissed any chat?
anti-this, anti-that,
anti-bliss, anti-brat, anti-fun!
"
"comrade engels devoutly maintains,
""you have nothing to lose but your chains!""
he's an anti-imperialist
marxist materialist,
loosening monarchies' reins.
"
"if an aztec should suddenly feel
like popping downtown for a meal
of tamales and maize,
why, the trip could take days?
aztechnology bypassed the wheel.
"
"there were pilots and heroes back then?
think of grissom and yeager and glenn.
the air medals they wore
were our accolades for
flying higher than earthly bound men.
"
"ayers rock rises into the blue
from the heart of the outback, and through
early evening and morning,
the colours adorning
it captivate: that's uluru.
"
"waiter! there's straw in my soup!
and feathers, and some kinda goop.
it's saliva? a swallow's?
from nests? then it follows
that this stuff is... let's ask the group.
"
"blood oranges make a fine juice
from flesh that's deliciously puce.
i guzzle a flood,
'cos it's good for the blood,
though it's not like i need an excuse.
"
"do you think bryan adams, when he
said he'd ""run to you"", meant to bc?
this heaven astounds
with its heart-stopping sounds...
all the kids wanna rocky, eh, b?
"
"methuselah boasted, ""my dears,
i've confirmed all my enemies' fears:
i've neglected to die,
and so celebrate my
bicentenary?200 years!""
"
"brigadier general (bg)
is a rank in the mil-i-tair-ee.
he's the one that a colonel
addresses as sir, 'n 'll
bellow if you disagree.
"
"whatcha mean, i don't show enough flair
for reporter with soft toy repair?
i know how to wheedle,
i'm good with a needle,
and gotta bj and a bear!
"
"ba is a town in fiji?
not terribly famous, you see?
but though rather forlorn,
it's where father was born,
so it's terribly famous to me.
"
"our maid always leaves me dyspeptic?
i demanded my bath be aseptic!
every germ, she denies:
""ya got bugs in your eyes!
get a new pair of glasses, you skeptic!""
"
"i ponder the saints and infinity,
the angels, the devils, the trinity:
you see, my degree
is a holy bd.
heaven knows, we could use more divinity.
"
"most viewers in britain still choose
the impartial recounting of views
by the government station
maintained by the nation:
yes, this is the bbc news.
"
"my bookshelves are groaning; it looks
like my library's cloning more books.
it's a burden indeed
to have so much to read?
curse the muse and her babbling brooks!
"
"the judge on the bench had his way,
so you're headed for botany bay.
new south wales is a gaol
that can make a heart fail?
say goodbye to your life, not g'day.
"
"he kills culann's bandog, then sees
a fine chance to advance and appease:
take its place and its name!
now c? chulainn has fame
as a guardsman. too bad he caught fleas.
"
"the bio instructor i'm dating
finds heaps of hot compost elating.
this steamy affair
of exposure to air
(or aerating) deserves an r-rating.
"
"beltane is pagan desire
made flesh: as the flames travel higher,
the may queen parades
from the tall colonnades
with her drummers and maids by the fire.
"
"capt. jones: we've been hit in the wings!
gonna crash in khe sanh! [alarm rings.]
all the chutes are gone, too!
holy mother of... [cue
bkgd. music: adagio for strings.]
"
"""she's a spiffing young thing, jeeves, eh, what?""
""i regret to demur, sir; she's not.
the young lady, i fear,
is a trifle austere.""
""what nonsense, man! balderdash! rot!""
"
"even age will from folly not keep you?
though it promises wisdom that's deep, true.
too many old fools
simply break all the rules;
soon the red in their faces will peep through.
"
"though ze artist's magnificent oeuvre
'ad seemed destined to 'ang in ze louvre
alongside poussin,
now it no longer can:
zese reviews mean 'e cannot recouvre.
"
"beware of the hazards that lurk
in the name of the icelander, bj?rk:
she'll let out a squawk
at ""buh-yorrk"" or ""buh-jawk"";
mispronouncing it drives her berserk.
"
"black pudding is food for a king:
these delectable sausages wring
all the best from the pig,
though there's always some prig
who objects to the whole bloody thing.
"
"this irritant compound that's white
is for weeds a particular blight.
2,4-d is its name,
but be careful?don't aim
for the eyes; it can maim a guy's sight.
"
"it grows happily under your feet?
when it's roasted, it's pleasant to eat?
yes and yes? yet you said
that the tuber ain't red?
but then how can this veggie be beet?
"
"those geese over there look quite dry.
i suppose i'll go over and try
to immerse or bedraggle
the moistureless gaggle.
that's right: i'm the goose-dousing guy.
"
"the beetroot's delicious and red,
like a burgundy turnip that's bled
on your fingers and palms.
it delivers its charms
in a chutney, or pickled instead.
"
"bhopal is in madhya pradesh;
it's a city where memories are fresh
of the havoc once wreaked
when some holding tanks leaked
and the culprits all prayed to ganesh.
"
"reproductively, big foot agreed
that his prospects were hopeless indeed:
he'd be heirless, unless he
had congress with nessie
and fathered a big centipede.
"
"when yer strangle a geezer or spiv
wiv yer mittens until 'e don't live,
as 'e falls to the ground,
it's a ch-choking sound
or affricative wot 'e will give.
"
"""i'm your innermost fantasy?try me!
i'm your rocket to paradise?fly me!
i'm your secret desire?
i make temperatures higher!
i'm the night you've been waiting for!""??????""blimey.""
"
"cross-cultural balladists should
just avoid mixing genres for good?
it's pallid 'n' bad in
a song like ""aladdin
goes dancing with wolves 'n da hood"".
"
"my website on chaucer's a floppe;
its oversized giffes need a croppe!
i wouldst change or biwrixle
each opptional pixel
if onlie i hadst photoshoppe.
"
"bizarrely, the boozer's bazaar
sells its fortified port by the jar
and its brandy in buckets...
it's bloody good luck it's
just seventeen minutes by car.
"
"so you fancy a bout of bizarreness?
here, put on this saddle and harness,
then chomp on this bit
and allow me to sit
on your back... why the look of such farness?
"
"the regal blue sheep from tibet
is a ewe that you'll never forget:
with a nuance of goat,
she's the snow leopard's vote
when his blue-bleeding appetite's whet.
"
"a yeti once wanted a brother,
so asked his abominable mother
to honour her name
and behave with no shame.
the final result? yeti 'nother.
"
"a barbiton (bit like a lyre)
is a pleasure to play?why not try 'er?
this instrument sings
when you strum grecian things,
but it bites if the strings are barbed wire.
"
"there isn't a skill that you've mastered
(except, i suppose, getting plastered).
you loaf 'round the house,
and you sponge off yer spouse:
yer a bludger, ya pitiful bastard.
"
"bibliography: name-ordered list
of references; these can consist
of articles, books,
and the like. (well, it looks
like we're done, so let's go and play whist.)
"
"you're a blockhead, you are, charlie brown!
you're the stupidest kid in our town.
when i'm holding the ball,
you repeatedly fall
for my trick, and you flip upside down.
"
"waiter! this soup's for the birds?
quite literally. there are no words
for the sight of a nest
in a bowl; and the rest
is disgusting! what are those things? curds?
"
"an artiodactyl's a pig
or a camel; some little or big
even-toed kind of beast?
says my uncle, at least.
(""it's an ungulate, sonny, you dig?"")
"
"if donald could only have waited
until all his rage had abated,
he'd stop with the quacks
and start to relax;
but no, he's just too animated.
"
"makes me feel like a damn ignoramus,
looking up all these names: ""kingsley amis""...
hey, i recognise him?
yeah, he wrote lucky jim!
see, i knew i'd find somebody famous.
"
"though regarded by some as delightful,
your monster-filled movie's affrightful.
that horror show flick
made me dreadfully sick.
and the nightmares? i had a whole night full!
"
"avgolemono: first, take some stock,
add some rice (and then simmer, to lock
in the taste), lemon juice,
and an egg, to produce
the most common greek soup on the block.
"
"aristophanes wrote lots of plays;
just eleven survive, nowadays:
the wasps and the birds
(33,000 words)
and nine more (tally prone to delays).
"
"aristotle, philosopher (greek),
was in that sense, at least, not unique.
but his impact was vast,
and without him, our past,
and?who knows?future too, would be bleak.
"
"lookee there: it's ol' jimmy, ajog!
all the neighbours are watching, agog.
there he goes, out the gate,
down the street, and?no, wait.
mister fixx has dropped dead as a log.
"
"saint augustine found it quite odd,
how the spirit would fight with the bod:
so he wrote his confessions
to purge his obsessions,
and then wrote the city of god.
"
"a dj from austria thought he
could make julie andrews sound naughty.
now the hills are alive
with ""the edelweiss jive""?
bpm of a hundred and forty.
"
"the blackberry grows in a thicket
of thorns?any finger, they'll prick it?
but tastes so inviting
i long to start biting,
and scramble through brambles to pick it.
"
"""it's bedtime, pop?tell me a story!""
""here's the lesson of joe pescatore:
he ignored his don's wishes,
and sleeps wit' the fishes.
so memento, young michael, your mori.""
"
"jim mctavish, municipal baillie,
would dance up a storm at a ceilidh:
he'd birl and jig
after takin' a swig
of a swally thit's crakin and ale-y.
"
"babirussa: an east indies pig
that has canines prodigiously big
curving out of his snout?
if you see 'em, wig out,
'cos the pig gets indignant, you dig?
"
"a neurotic new yorker named woody
swapped mia for daughter?how could he?
(a youth-obsessed pattern
first seen in manhattan?
as allen films go, it's a goodie.)
"
"he proclaimed himself ""gunther the great!""
but his subjects said, ""abdicate, mate!""
while they rallied each night,
his old visage grew white:
albication from fearing his fate.
"
"i'm handing the waiter, sareesh,
some bakshish for bringing my quiche.
his comeback is strange:
he's offering change!
it's meant to be his greenback?sheesh!
"
"""i've a plan rather cunning, my lord,""
ventured baldrick, perusing my sword.
it was pointless, i felt,
so i gave him a belt
round the shoulder?a fitting reward.
"
"a smasher, by crashing, would mash 'er;
a slasher, by gashing, would trash 'er;
a dasher would pash 'er;
a flasher'd abash 'er;
but bashers, by fashion, would thrash 'er.
"
"quit your dithering, captain! less talk!
set your feet on the plank and then walk!
there's a fate worse than death
if you waste one more breath,
and a fate worse than that if you baulk!
"
"william blake was an artist of power,
a mystic, a poet, a tower,
who held in his hand
the infinite sand
of eternity; england's wild flower.
"
"the expressionist art of max beckmann
showed life as a carnival?heck, man,
a circus of fools?
so the pigheaded rules
of the nazis condemned it as dreck, man.
"
"though bosch painted heavenly sights
in the garden of earthly delights,
the devils all tell
of its portrait of hell,
which exquisitely tortures their nights.
"
"there's the wassail, the goldfish, the punch,
and the soup and the finger at lunch.
you may notice my goal's
a whole series of bowls.
(oh yeah, cereal bowl?cap'n crunch.)
"
"i really don't wanna sound sharp,
but you say that you don't know jean arp?
he was active in dada,
a sculptor... still nada?
your pa keep you under a tarp?
"
"my favourite paintings by far
by parisian artist bonnard
show the stretchiest cats
and young women in flats
(our pierre liked his femmes in boudoirs).
"
"it's because of sir tim berners-lee
that we're all of us gathered here. see,
he invented the web,
so that any old pleb
could post any old gibberish. whee!
"
"francis bacon dissected his grief
using butcherly pictures of beef
hanging red in the frame;
as for figures, his aim
was to blur them beyond all belief.
"
"birth of venus by s. botticelli
shows a body to die for, her belly
a beauteous pearl?
so is that why the girl
was allotted a dais so shelly?
"
"it's blowing a blizzard out there;
it's snowing and freezing the air.
the world's turning white,
so it's winter, all right.
just a shame that i'm no polar bear.
"
"hold a barbie or two on your lawn
and yer wintertime blues'll be gone.
chuck a snag on the grill,
crack a tooheys, and chill:
come an' barbecue up a raw prawn!
"
"our guide, who's a local old hand,
was explaining the lay of the land:
""over there, out the back o' ma
pueblo, is acoma.
here, it's all cactus and sand.""
"
"antihuman? how could you?you beast!
please consider our good points, at least.
we're industrious, smart,
and we've made some nice art?
you would miss us if we were deceased.
"
"an angry old drunk was so pissed
that he swung at a punk, though he missed.
as he fell to the gutter,
he yelled like a nutter,
""yer friend there is next on my list!""
"
"you're a black-hearted, venomous hack, mister?
and you? you're a stab in the back, sister.
so what if i'm red?
least my conscience ain't dead?
by stalin's mustache, i'm no blacklister!
"
"addis ababa, mid-ethiopia:
rastafarian smokers' utopia.
(such a highly salacious
pursuit?goodness gracious!
what opened this dope cornucopia?)
"
"when he wanted both light and dark shown,
ansel adams would get in the zone.
whatever the sky,
his mind and his eye
gave his landscapes distinction alone.
"
"diane arbus's portraits beguile;
she would photo her candidates while
they uncovered their souls
and the heart of their roles.
uncanny, how rarely they'd smile.
"
"the scottish-born architect adam
would design mighty mansions and clad 'em
in stone and in brick;
all the nobs got in quick,
so to boast at their banquets, ""we had 'im.""
"
"josef albers, a painter of squares
(one inside of the other, so there's
a whole series, in fact),
liked his paintings abstract;
part of bauhaus, those guys with the chairs.
"
"""it's bonzer!"" is whatcha might say
if yer 'avin' a bewdiful day?
when there's nothin' but smiles
on everyone's dials,
and yer 'ole bloody life is okay.
"
"i'm a bovver boy. 'ere on me feet
are me bovver boots. don' they look neat?
wotcher mean, are they levver?
o' course! i would never
'ave bovvered wiv less on this street.
"
"""agent 007, i'm fond
of the way you attempt to abscond.
tell me, when's your next try?""
""mister blofeld, a spy
never hides?as my word is my bond.""
"
"the blowies are buzzing that coot?
you can tell from his barcoo salute.
he's been waving all day,
but they won't go away.
they must reckon his noggin's a fruit.
"
"how'd ya manage to get it so wrong?
you're a boofhead! a drongo! a nong!
a whacker! a fool!
i said come to the pool
wearing thongs, not a pole-dancer's thong!
"
"when the actu starts to pout,
aussies know that they're in for a bout
of industrial action.
the petulant faction
won't play until everyone's out.
"
"an ape at the top of his tree
said, ""i'm up at the apex, i see.
i'm so 'appy up 'ere;
i've a view without peer
of that bee farm, or apiary.""
"
"""say bud, can you lend me a dime?""
""we ain't harborin' organized crime.""
""i like jello that's pink!""
""all your color schemes stink.""
see, american english in rhyme.
"
"the instrument sounded all clunky;
the pegs on its barrel, too funky.
that organ rehearsal
made peanuts of purcell,
but that's what you get from a monkey.
"
"we're the blues brothers. [viewers applaud.]
i'm elwood, he's jake. there's the squad!
they're not gonna catch us;
no driver can match us,
'cause we're on a mission from god.
"
"he's a serious, praiseworthy guy,
fighting evils that make people die,
so i hope that you too
like what bono can do
(although i liked him more as the fly).
"
"the aardvark explores after dark
every inch of this african park
with his tongue and his claws
for those termites he gnaws
so he won't end up starving, and cark.
"
"when bedding a bedouin, try
to keep up with his wandering eye,
for this arab's nomadic,
and sex is sporadic
with any perambulant guy.
"
"to protect against error or goof,
the printmaker runs off a proof
to ensure an engraving
is not misbehaving
or making the artist go ""oof!""
"
"so you reckon my body is creaking?
is it utter perfection you're seeking?
well you won't find it here?
it's decrepit, i fear,
and i'm worried that part of it's leaking.
"
"please pardon my ghostly complexion;
i'm having an astral projection.
my spirit has fled,
but i'm not really dead:
its departure was per my direction.
"
"those tapes of st. elsewhere i've got,
that orange-glazed seventies pot,
these toys of the kids',
those jars with no lids:
i'm a bowerbird, hoarding the lot.
"
"as british stars go, he's a biggie.
a kook in a crazy-haired wig, he
reworks his disguise
with each album: surprise
is our dave's middle name (also ""ziggy"").
"
"i say, cambridge freshers?let's hop
on our bikes and head off to the bop!
who can bear to revise
when the glittering prize
of a disco tempts punters to stop?
"
"you're a spinner of yarns who regales
your daughter with all your travails.
you're a boomerang bender!
watch out, or you'll send 'er
away with your tallest of tales.
"
"the work of the genius brahms
is brimful of musical charms.
his symphony 2
is a pastoral brew?
good for calming down cattle on farms.
"
"so the story is, oliver twist
was ahungered, and couldn't subsist,
and was heard to implore,
""oh please, sir, some more.""
in seventeen words, that's the gist.
"
"the teenager showed off his haul:
the hoody he wore to the mall;
some shoplifted bling;
""oh, an' one uvver fing:
gone an' got me an asbo, an' all.""
"
"the ravenous ol' allosaurus
if living today would adore us:
he'd gobble and munch
on our bodies for lunch,
right after to pieces he tore us.
"
"a dinosaur sick of old tricks
decided one day to affix
some feathers and things
to his forelegs (now wings)
to meet archaeopteryx chicks.
"
"""that cow looks suspicious to me...
hasn't moved since 2.30, i see.""
""aye, our bessie's insane.
it's her spongiform brain?
bse. now she thinks she's a tree.""
"
"to the left, wallace, please, just a fraction;
gromit, make like you dread his reaction.
that's great! hold that pose...
wait, squash up your nose...
ah, perfect! now, lights, camera?action!
"
"brid is a word that i've heard
was ye olden-days english for bird.
why's the middle transposed?
well, i guess they supposed
that the other way round was absrud.
"
"this limerick needs no explanation
and its rhymes have a stable foundation;
but the same won't be true
if misguidedly you
subject it to alphabetization.
"
"this database truly divided
the country when someone decided
to classify brits
by their domiciles: it's
how each portion of business is guided.
"
"when i asked, as my cranium bled,
""mister, why are you hitting my head?""
he said, ""ain't got the heart
for the testicle part,
so i'm beating yer brains out instead.""
"
"when a cyclist with tastes kinda blue
spotted twins, he knew just what to do:
he would roundly demand 'em,
""let's do it in tandem?
this bicycler's well-built for two.""
"
"""went to uni?"" the working-men jeer.
""couldn't hack a blue-collar career?
think you're better than us?
we all reckon you're sus.
yeah, we're anti-degree around here.""
"
"i'm antiuniversity, me.
being certain is difficult, see,
since i wandered their cloisters
and ate of their oysters
of wisdom: i doubt, they agree.
"
"so tiny and cute, antechinus!
if we look really close, we can fin' us
the teensiest pouch,
with her joey, an'... ouch!
an' he kin'a snuck up from behin' us.
"
"the convict was ashen and grey;
he was due for a lashin' that day,
and a dozen, he knew,
could be, once they were through,
twenty-five here in botany bay.
"
"would a pussy, an owl and a goat like
to put on a waterproof coat (like
a jacket of green)
and all sail a tureen?
they would if their vessel were boatlike.
"
"as bugs, mr blanc was just swell,
and as tweety and porky as well.
now he's gone, r.i.p.
""th-th-thee-th-th-thee-
th-th-thee-th-that's all, folks!"" from mel.
"
"i'm floating and flitting and flirting
with will-o'-the-wisps in the skirting.
my body's in pain,
but i dance on a plane
called the astral, where nothing is hurting.
"
"watch out for my brother: he'll grill ya
some bits of a cow that'll kill ya.
take a shooftee at that?
bloody loaded with fat.
(mate, chuck us anotherie, will ya?)
"
"the almoravid dynasty's reign
covered mainly morocco and spain.
their faith was severe,
and their fashion austere:
in the main, they preferred their reign plain.
"
"""captain haddock! it's snowy! he's dead!
rastapopolous shot off his head!""
""why, that visigoth! vandal!
iconoclast! scandal!
never mind. here's a sheepdog instead.""
"
"leaders of great bellicosity
respond with a hellish ferocity
to any attacks:
for example, iraq's
gone to hell with ferocious velocity.
"
"the crewman asked, ""why have we hidden
our casket of gold in this midden?""
said the mate, ""so a pirate
won't stop to admire it.
keep digging, lad! do as you're bidden!""
"
"on edinburgh's busiest street,
the tourists all blether ""how neat!""
when a man in a kilt
starts to wheeze at full tilt
on the bagpipes, while some of us greet.
"
"she was, ""blah blah blah, blah-blah de blah.""
i was, ""ha ha ha hardy ha ha!""
she was, ""hmmph! grr grr grrr!""
i was, ""yipe! erm, uh, errr...""
she was, ""uh-uh. 'ha ha'? huh. ta-ta.""
"
"them bluegrass performers sure quicken
their pace with their pluckin' and pickin'
when folks paddle by...
ain't got no idea why
it makes all o' them city boys chicken.
"
"the truth of it started to seize us:
we knew that the blizzard would freeze us.
captain scott scrawled his notes.
it was too much for oates?
out of him, the thought scared the bejesus.
"
"i awake from a terrible dream
to a hideous, blood-curdling scream.
""oh my god! what was that?""
""it vos only a bat,""
says count dracula, canines agleam.
"
"o, shall i compose thee a sonnet?
i worship thy hair, and what's on it...
('tis not what i said;
there's no bug on thy head,
so no need for the bee in thy bonnet.)
"
"the cardigan: elderly coat
made of wool from a sheep or a goat.
dressing lamb up as mutton's
not hard?just sew buttons
on jumpers. (designers, take note.)
"
"yellow blooms, with your delicate shape,
yielding oil from your seed, like the grape:
why the name of canola?
is it just to console a
consumer who's frightened of rape?
"
"a carnage admirer will thrill
at the number of men he can kill?
and of women, and girls,
and of boys that he hurls
through a... 'scuse me, i'm feeling quite ill.
"
"what's to fear from a camera or three
and appearing on cctv?
having every move tracked
is a comfort, in fact.
why, the state's like a brother to me.
"
"now it's time to create mp3s,
i discover that all my cds,
although discs, aren't compact
when they're vertically stacked
in their hundreds. please, nobody sneeze.
"
"russian rockets said cccp,
which was slightly confusing to me.
if the c was both two
of those s's and u,
then should kruschev have two c's or three?
"
"the monarch, by royal decree,
fills her minions with maximal glee
with this birthday backhander
of empire's commander
(that's british), i.e. c.b.e.
"
"when sated, our cat would sprawl flat
in the sun by the wall, and with that
would announce to us all
that if vermin should call
she would rather not maul 'em, so scat.
"
"it's a town with a whole 'nother layer,
a lexicographical playa.
those hawaiians love vowels
much as lyin' on towels?
little wonder it's called aiea.
"
"the right to bear arms is such fun!
you'll always be safe with a gun.
you're never in danger
from mugger or stranger,
so shoot, people?get yourselves one!
"
"many lemurs eat tender bamboo.
so would i?and why not? wouldn't you?
it's a nourishing stalk;
needs no knife and no fork:
you just break a piece off, and then chew.
"
"first his chest felt a terrible tightness;
then his head an exceptional lightness.
then his spirit broke free
and proceeded to flee
down the tunnel that led to the brightness.
"
"look, i know my appearance ain't neat?
i was lying there under your feet
for a few thousand years,
till some bogman appears...
so, i'm here again. hullo. name's pete.
"
"jack and jill had a risky attraction
to sunday adventure and action,
which ended in fleeing
their church to go skiing...
this breakaway faction's in traction.
"
"i've brought forward the punchline, my dear.
just in case my conceit isn't clear
and you can't see what's happening here,
i'll remove any doubt
by spelling it out.
"
"""your brother's a hell of a skite!
he can sing his own praises all night.
says his fame is widespread
for his record in bed.""
""oh, he does, does he? sounds about right.""
"
"the absolute essence of britishness?
a resolute absence of skittishness
(they ruled all the waves?
never, never were slaves!)
and an upper class known for its twittishness.
"
"the imbroglio of brueghels confounds
our attempts to determine their bounds.
if they weren't all called pieter
or jan, how much neater
the art lover's gallery rounds.
"
"your cubist homage? i'd deep-six it.
there's too little life in the mix, it
has no sense of motion?
despite your devotion,
the painting ain't braques, so don't fix it.
"
"in imperial days, we called britain
the island where greatness was written.
as many have grumbled,
the empire has crumbled?
it's here in the damp we're left sittin'.
"
"an alternative comedy rota
for the '80s non-thatcherite voter:
""people's poet"" rik mayall,
ben elton, and sayle
(""'ullo john, you gotta new motor?"").
"
"""he's an addle-pate, madam! a loon!
he's a bungler! a foolish buffoon!
'twixt his ears is but space,
and of brain, not a trace!""
""did i mention we marry this june?""
"
"a bivvy bag (bivouac sack)
takes the place of a tent in your pack
when you've mountains to climb,
but ain't wasting no time
lugging canvas and poles on your back.
"
"dahling! it's charlotte! yes, char!
you remember?art history, yah?
fancy meeting you here!
quick, a kiss past your ear?
it's so lovely to see you! mwah, mwah!
"
"when the waters are wavy an' bluey,
they find 'em a shoreline that's chewy,
take bites with their motion,
digest in the ocean,
and spit up a barrier. ptooey!
"
"brecciation's the breaking apart
of a rock into fragments, the start
of a new brecciation
through sedimentation.
it'd break a geologist's heart!
"
"if you're thinking of breaking apart
heavy rocks into fragments, the art
is to strike them a blow
with a hammer, or so
said the convicts, who knew it by heart.
"
"my girl's so aesthesiogenic
that all of my musculophrenic
parts suffer sensations
in such concentrations
the outcome is too calisthenic.
"
"""bt,"" the caller intones,
""phone hoooome!""?and elliott moans.
british telecom's bill
needs an 'ell of a till
when an alien uses their phones.
"
"when the buffalo roam by your home
and this grass is what grows in your loam,
don't discourage the herd:
it's the forage preferred
by all bison?a nice 'un, is brome.
"
"who's the best sorta bushranger? well, 'e
should have a good story to tell: 'e
should start out a farmer,
go stealing in armour,
then stoush the police?like ned kelly.
"
"the whole of the world understands
that this leader has blood on his hands.
his butcherly reign
is completely insane,
yet we cavil and meet his demands.
"
"in dunedin, a beer-drinking student
drank more than was actually prudent.
the eager young scarfie
was soon feeling barfy,
digestible contents protrudent.
"
"michelangelo, artist of feeling,
is known for his vatican ceiling:
the pope saw some faults
in its featureless vaults
and said, ""paint over that, mike?it's peeling.""
"
"the number to phone in a fix?
999, here in britain. don't mix
up your up and your down,
or the upright will frown:
you'll be calling the beast, 666.
"
"i've a mark on my hand and my head,
and i now understand what john said:
choosing mottos, the trick's
to avoid ""666""?
it's a woeful tattoo when you're dead.
"
"it's '06, and the sixth day of june,
so surely the time's opportune
for the beast to arise
and rain fire from the skies?
either his or our number's up soon.
"
"americium tremors all jerk'ly
when hammered with ions berserkly.
the radioactive
result is attractive:
it's berkelium, named after berkeley.
"
"the trouble with things bureaucratic
is how one encounters a static
response to requests:
a reliable test's
when the refund you're owed is dramatic.
"
"a beauty who's covered in buboes
attracts unsurprisingly few beaus.
""it's the plague!"" they will cry,
""the black death!""?which is why
she should cover each bubo with new bows.
"
"here's the buzz on belize?the bee's knees!
trouble finding it? please, it's a breeze:
guatemala's southwest.
that's on land, as you guessed?
here in web-land, the key's the bz's.
"
"well, the reindeer are waiting to fly...
ho ho ho, little darling, don't cry.
so, goodbye?i should leave.
see you next christmas eve.
please let go of my sleeve, dear. bye-bye.
"
"byo? if you're stuck in that zone
and you fancy a tipple, don't moan:
just go somewhere they'll flog
you a bottle of grog,
and return. got no plonk? bring your own.
"
"your single's a hit?it's a snap!
every place that it plays, toes will tap.
that wasn't sarcastic?
the a-side's fantastic.
a shame it's been backed with such crap.
"
"in a limited missile exchange,
you'll notice behaviour that's strange:
politicians will run
once the firing's begun?
why, they're soon beyond visual range.
"
"we have the egyptians to thank
for the symbol we know as the ankh.
a loop on a cross
mightn't be a great loss,
but it looked good on pharaohs of rank.
"
"""so, i went to the clinic today?
the tortoise is cactus. they say
it's too late for a vet...
yeah, i'm pretty upset.
how should i know he's in a bad way?""
"
"our political parties all lurch
from the left to the right as they search
for the middlemost ground.
the successful have found
that the voters reward a broad church.
"
"many brownstone apartments were rank:
claustrophobic, neglected, and dank.
but astute renovation
and gentrification
have made them look terribly swank.
"
"if you're after a rodent of beauty,
the best you can get's an agouti.
it's an awfully big
kinda faux guinea pig,
and my goodness, miss piggy's a cutie.
"
"californios longed to be free
of their mexican rulers; their plea
was for clear independence.
their rancho descendents
are now all americans, s?.
"
"carbon fibre is lightweight and strong,
made from graphite, by drawing out long
and thin filaments, heated
and otherwise treated,
then woven. it's tough as king kong.
"
"i don't care what you say, dad, okay?
i am not going outside to play.
sure, i like playing games
with jemima and james,
but abide by your ruling? no way!
"
"he's an actor of such extreme campiness!
all those double entendres?what scampiness!
i could slap his wee paws!
but i shouldn't, because
it's a guaranteed path to foot-stampiness.
"
"if your secretary isn't resistant
to ""working"" while partners are distant,
it's certainly vital
to grant her a title
that's finer: viz., admin. assistant.
"
"global warming, you say? goodness gracious!
that really is rather vexatious.
from smoke when we burn
off the trees? live and learn...
who knew forests were so carbonaceous?
"
"it's a burden to carry the load
of a final recording. this showed
that all sad stories tend
to come good in the end,
'cause it's one of their best, abbey road.
?
?
?
with a short hidden track?i'll be blowed!
"
"as the beatles continue to crack,
paul produces a plan to get back.
but the tensions intrude:
john and yoko pose nude,
and the two of them struggle with smack.
"
"the beatles were finally free
of each other, but from the debris
of the get back disaster,
got spector to master
a postscript that said let it be.
"
"hey bulldog, this record's a weenie!
the band's contributions are teeny.
we've already seen
one that has ""submarine"",
so give us more beatles, you meanie!
"
"by the byway, the bystanders spy
a white bicycle, bicycling by,
while beside the guy's bike,
riding high on a trike,
is his spry thigh-high by-product, ty.
"
"""chirpy chirpy,"" says birdie, ""cheep cheep,""
interrupting my slumberful sleep.
all his cheeping's too chirpy,
and makes me all urpy.
you're four hours early, you creep!
"
"my homage to catalan, bona
fide language of fair barcelona:
some speak it in spain
and in france. (see, this plain
way of writing's my orwell persona.)
"
"the casbah's a quarter for moors,
a region more rockin' than yours;
so for cultural clash,
pack your cases and dash
to morocco. here, punk: some brochures.
"
"""chateau cardboard?"" he whiningly asks,
as he indicates one or two casks.
""cab sav? or the white?
try the red, it's orright.
what the booze lacks, the plastic taste masks.""
"
"says the leather-faced lady, ""hey, you?
can you lend me a spare winnie blue?""
yeah, there's nothing that madge
likes to do more 'n cadge
from a stranger a ciggie or two.
"
"let us stroll in that back-of-the-bar park,
my darling?it isn't a far park.
look, it's right over here.
yes, i know it's quite drear.
no, they're mazdas. okay, it's a car park.
"
"after giving my diary a cursory
glance: it's a grand anniversary!
today it's been two
years of fun and to-do
since i entered this anapest nursery.
"
"there was an old man named fidel
who increasingly didn't look well.
surely cuban cigars
and those rocket-finned cars
should be all that you need to feel swell?
"
"i'm nuts for a cashew, aren't you?
it's a nut that i'd never eschew.
when they're roasted and salted,
i'll soon have them bolted,
and cache a few more when i'm through.
"
"the canny canadian lynx
looks askance at the bobcat and thinks,
""we could probably mate,
but i'm too overweight,
so he'll think i'm a slob, not a minx.""
"
"the savage young beatles could play
a whole album of hits in a day.
please please me still pleases
the lads and their squeezes
in liverpool, oop round are way.
"
"""it's a venue of ample capaciousness,""
said the vicar, impressed with its spaciousness.
but his flock, though devout,
were vexatiously stout,
which no doubt's what brought out his ""good gracious!""-ness.
"
"they're scrupulous people, the air police:
meticulous, careful, and fair police.
no point to contest
any air force arrest,
so never say, ""i wasn't there, police.""
"
"only yesterday, john, ringo, paul,
and our george stood a hundred feet tall.
now they let out a yelp
at performances: help!
are the mop-tops beginning to stall?
"
"cane sugar is made from the juice
of the sugar cane, which can produce
its sweet share of the stuff.
(photosynthesis buff?
you can surely put this to good use.)
"
"like to watch some mad cows do some harm?
or a cockerel that fights like a charm?
for a full-on domest-
ic, this tourism's best?
they're an agro lot, down on the farm.
"
"logicians who see that you're leaning
to ""raising"" will start intervening:
such begging the question
will give indigestion
to any who know its true meaning.
"
"while i'm certain this won't come as news,
we have differing meanings for hues.
if you're jealous, you're green;
turning red's venting spleen;
and the down-in-the-dumps get the blues.
"
"this system of teaching the law
uses cases decided before,
so that lawyers-in-training
from prior explaining
learn how to make justices snore.
"
"it's a magical mystery tour
that your mother should know about. you're
quite a fool if you miss
hearing music like this,
wall-to-walrus with lyrics obscure.
"
"a day in the life of a band
that's impossibly talented, and
a response to their peers,
sgt. pepper fuelled fears
there'd be no other album as grand.
"
"for the beatle fan, this is the test:
choose revolver, or one of the rest?
how can anything close
with ""tomorrow never knows""
and be anything less than the best?
"
"for the beatles to stretch themselves, whole
new directions were needed. their goal
was to stamp onto plastic
the druggy, fantastic
effects in their heads: rubber soul.
"
"some believe that this album might pale
beside earlier ones, but i fail
to see anything wrong
with a single fab song.
honey, don't condemn beatles for sale.
"
"with the beatles, you know what you get:
an lp that's an excellent bet.
""all my loving"" and ""money""
are fabulous, honey:
the top of the poppermost, yet.
"
"""how's the carpet they laid in your flat
when the old one got chewed by a rat?""
""well, y'know if some guy
pokes a stick in your eye?
say a burnt one? it's better'n that.""
"
"if your mater loves lettuce, don't tease 'er,
'cos this romaine salad will please 'er
brute cravings with ease.
ave parmesan cheese,
coddled egg, and some croutons: hail caesar!
"
"capybaras will capture your heart:
they're a capital rodent, and smart.
in captivity, they
like to caper and play
with your carp?hard to keep 'em apart.
"
"from the loftiest lodgings of lhasa
to humble abodes in mombasa
and streets in seville,
every family will
need a residence, dwelling, or casa.
"
"in those bollywood movies, they sing
and they shout, and they dance in full fling?
they're the toast of bombay.
...it's mumbai now, you say?
mutter... mumblewood ain't the same thing.
"
"sees the cards being played near the bar...
now he's wishin' and hopin' they are,
say, a five and a four,
'cos he knows he would score...
walk on by, mr burt baccarat.
"
"when a pair of my statements conflict,
yet the reasons behind them are strict,
i'm possessed by antinomy?
loser and winner, me!
somehow, i think i've been tricked.
"
"the highlands are heavy with stones
piled neatly in mounds, where unknowns
sometimes lie, sometimes not;
sometimes wholly forgot.
aye, this cairned land is riddled with bones.
"
"when your projects are biogenetic,
the critics become energetic:
""no experiments using
our genes! you're abusing
your role!"" (they prefer the synthetic?)
"
"cap'n processor started to gripe
as the bits all processed down the pipe:
""he's a modem abuser,
our byte-hungry user...
more bandwidth! he's just loaded skype!""
"
"the captain sets foot from the pod,
and, removing his helmet, says, ""odd?
the air's breathable, yet
what's that smell? i forget...
oh, ammonia. and... chlorine? dear g...""
"
"the boat train goes trundling to port,
taking folks to their island resort,
but its vacuum brakes shear,
and the driver can't hear
sailors cry from the pier, ""all abort!""
"
"my friend the photographer scoffed,
""use a camera phone? don't be so soft!
they're a fad, nothing big""?
till at blondie's last gig
he saw tons of them waving aloft.
"
"south americans feast on the guinea-pig
(a small but obese rodent?mini/big):
they reckon the cavy
goes lovely with gravy.
you think it sounds fattening? skinny prig!
"
"you'll find cannibal doctors in there,
and a suit made of skin, if you dare.
i'd rather not hector,
but caveat lector:
tom harris's readers, beware!
"
"if you're reading some poets for fun,
pick the best of their works, one by one,
give the whole lot an edit,
and then, to your credit,
you'll be an anthologist, son.
"
"when it comes to the milk in my brew,
i think camel's is best through and through.
a drop from a dromedary
is nicer than from a dairy;
so's bactrian. (one lump or two?)
"
"the ankylosaur was all spiky,
they reckon, and bony, by crikey,
with armour that plated
his hide: he was fated
to have a cantankerous psyche.
"
"antisatellite systems destroy
what the world spent a lot to deploy.
all the sputniks that spout
all those sitcoms throughout
all our nights, fallen silent. enjoy!
"
"he's old-fashioned, or worse, antimodern:
goes hunting in fields that are sodden;
seeks olden-day glories;
hates more than four storeys;
keeps working-class people downtrodden.
"
"action item 19: set a date
for the council's next meeting. oh, great:
we can't find one until
the mayor's back from brazil...
item 20: just chill while we wait.
"
"a cow nibbles nettles herbivorously.
a bear gobbles cattle carnivorously.
a babe in a cot'll
drink milk from a bottle.
a man eats the lottle?omnivorously.
"
"a carnival geek in our town
made the principled peta folk frown?
biting heads off of geese!
when this brought the police,
he got nabbed with his mouth in the down.
"
"this chile is fiendishly hot?
around six-figure scovilles, it's got.
it's named for the eye
of a bird. you know why?
rub your eyes, you'll fly off like a shot.
"
"metric units are simple and neat.
take a prefix, and simply repeat:
centi-'s .01 metres
or .01 litres.
a centipede? .01 feet.
"
"when converting a hundred and twenty litres
into small metric units?say, centilitres?
you should multiply first
by a hundred; the worst
that can happen's you end up with plenty litres.
"
"some painters of landscapes enlisted
imaginary places: they twisted
the things they had seen
into what hadn't been.
their capriccios had never existed.
"
"thirty centimetres: that's an lp
or a ruler. divide it by three,
and you've got you a deci-
metre. yes, metric's messy,
but neater than inches to me.
"
"the antilibertarian view
is that rulers know better than you:
your rights and free will
take particular skill
to subvert, undermine and undo.
"
"antipolitics: death to all spin,
to all hucksters in government, sin-
peddling lobbyists, fools
with their asinine rules,
and all parties?until my lot win.
"
"i sent 'em a centum or more?
a bundle! a hundred! five score!
two fifties! ten tens!
a whole parcel of pens!
whatcha mean, they can only find four?
"
"a bowl of cold-milk-covered cereal
has a taste you'd describe as ethereal:
every satisfied munch
has that wonderful crunch.
(what it does to your waist's immaterial.)
"
"this certificate says you are now
one of us: a true citizen. how
you will love your new passport!
but hey, not so fast, sport:
to get it, first utter this vow.
"
"how i long for the total cessation
of hunts for the noble cetacean!
this barbarous game
brings immeasurable shame
to an otherwise civilised nation.
"
"her cervix was slow to dilate,
so delivery just had to wait;
but her son didn't mind
being further confined:
sleeping in a bit longer was great.
"
"to explain what cf. means, i shall
put it plainly: ""compare"", it is, pal?
though you cannot see that in
its letters; they're latin.
(cf. i.e., n.b., and et al.)
"
"thanks to all this superb cgi,
you'll believe that our hero can fly!
our computer can draw
him with nary a flaw.
super scripts, though, it couldn't supply.
"
"so you wish me to speak of the cellar?
it's the haunt of the underground dweller,
where funguses grow
and the spiders all go...
little sally's there now; shall i tell 'er?
"
"paul c?zanne as a painter was great,
but so slow! his poor subjects' sad fate
was to sit like an apple;
while he would then grapple
with colours, they'd rot on the plate.
"
"david bailey takes pictures of girls
looking glamorous: monochrome twirls
round their sinuous forms,
and the viewer's eye warms
to the torsos each photo unfurls.
"
"a malt whisky taster and sniffer
liked snifters that little bit stiffer
than boring ol' blends:
""you may like 'em, my friends,""
he would banter, ""but ardbeg to differ.""
"
"a mother and malt-whisky-trialler
set foot on the island of islay
to sample some bowmore
until there was no more?
the 12-year-old sure did beguile 'er.
"
"that salmon?you say it's atlantic?
i'm sorry for being pedantic,
but i think it's chinook
that you've got on your hook,
so pacific?though now it looks frantic.
"
"dear catherine went out for a chat
on the balcony up in her flat,
but was feeling unwell,
missed the railing, and fell,
catastrophically ending with splat.
"
"fresh coffee, self-served with a smile,
fine burgers and fries in a pile,
pert checkout girls, cooks
giving welcoming looks:
in my dreams, cafeteria-style.
"
"he's at one with himself, his contentedness
a result of his focus and centredness;
but emotional oneness
removes all the funness
of acting with utter dementedness.
"
"ol' churchill knew just what to do
when it looked like his country was through.
""we shall never surrender,""
said blighty's defender.
""instead, we shall fight world war ii.""
"
"what me grandmother put on me plate
wasn't really that terribly great:
those boats of cold gravy
could drown a whole navy.
it'd choke a brown dog, it would, mate.
"
"""i'm perfectly sober!"" he thundered,
but given his colour, i wondered.
his face a bright pink,
he made straight for the sink,
held the sides, leant his head in and chundered.
"
"it's chockers; it's totally full.
couldn't stuff in another, no bull.
wait, a little more space...
chuck it into the case,
hold the end of this strap and then pull.
"
"marc chagall painted circuses, cows
in the night-time, and fruit-laden boughs.
decades later, it seems
that his colours and themes,
with their echoes of dreams, still arouse.
"
"an authoring tool lets you write
electronically, all through the night,
many reams of fine prose
for the screen, which then glows
with your words, be they ever so trite.
"
"when a canvasser knocks on your door,
don't inform him his party's a bore,
that his leader lacks pluck
and his policies suck:
simply bury him under the floor.
"
"made of cotton or hemp? no, it's not,
but this plastic replacement is hot!
the walls of your tent
won't be easily rent
when a canvaslike fabric it's got.
"
"one particular characteristic
turned pat from alive to statistic:
his interest in guns?
in particular, ones
in which he was the object ballistic.
"
"an evergreen tropical tree
made of chocolate? i'm bouncing with glee!
it comes from it? wow?
so i plant this cacao,
and there's even more chocolate for me?
"
"i chuse to use spellyngs abstruce,
nott to mention, of course, owt of use:
so to say, i preferr
(althowh uthers demurre)
to use spellyngs that bryng me abuse.
"
"to assassinate someone is crude,
but their character? that's simply rude.
a murder is one thing,
but slurs aren't the done thing:
they learn that you spread 'em, you're screwed.
"
"there really is too much to tell, see,
of cheltenham, chelmsford and chelsea.
they're english, of course,
which betokens, perforce,
there are no other places as swell, see.
"
"that waterway? naught but a runnel!
i'll make it my mission to tunnel
beneath its expanse
from dover to france.
the thirties will bring us a chunnel!
"
"the chapati, a flat wholemeal bread,
is a food on which hindus are fed.
don't spread it with jam
or with vegemite, ma'am:
it's intended for curries instead.
"
"is a culture so terribly strange
whose traditions are subject to change?
some begin, others end.
evolution's our friend,
as it helps to extend custom's range.
"
"thought america, ""baghdad is busted!
its chemical weapons are clustered
in silos and bunkers.""
but some wars are clunkers:
seems all iraq's missiles had rusted.
"
"some weapons leave peacemakers flustered:
""those chemicals just can't be trusted.""
but others, alas,
see the virtues of gas:
the alternatives don't cut the mustard.
"
"""carn hawthorn! carn hodge! carn the hawks!""
is the way that a barracker talks;
when the footy-mad fool's
got a craving for rules,
""carn the ref!"" is the last thing he squawks.
"
"when he gave her a single red rose
and she suddenly, wordlessly, froze,
blind freddy could tell
that the outcome would smell.
even blokes with bad eyes have a nose.
"
"the city of limerick's renown
is its comical poetry crown:
nowhere else has a verse
as amusing and terse
to its name?there's no haiku-based town.
"
"caravaggio's shadows and light
made his paintings a powerful sight,
but the dark in his soul
sent him out of control:
his most powerful urge was to fight.
"
"cassatt's finest painting could, say, be
her girl in an armchair, or maybe
some ""mother and child""
impressionist-styled
interior scene with a baby.
"
"canaletto, or ""little canal"",
painted london?its bridges et al.?
but was more of a menace
to punters in venice:
he'd paint 'em in any locale.
"
"a. calder's undoubted facility
with works of apparent fragility
was one of his strengths:
he went to great lengths
in his efforts to capture mobility.
"
"his sculptures, performances, voice,
were all heartfelt (and felted, by choice).
from his packs on a sled
to the hat on his head,
there was nothing plain joe about beuys.
"
"me cousin from currajong said,
""you know me ol' man, uncle fred?
well, i'm sad to report
he's your ex-uncle, sport,
'cos he's carked it. he's cactus. he's dead.""
"
"the back an' the sides of a swine,
immersed in a bucket of brine,
then smoked or jes' dried,
sliced thin an' then fried,
makes bacon. mm-mmm, mighty fine!
"
"cash register: dingus for dough,
with a drawer where the coins and notes go,
and a whatsit to count
up the total amount
that your thingummy... customers owe.
"
"find your fortune and fame by cartooning!
draw a handful of pictures impugning
some government hack,
and your witty attack
will make women start actually swooning.
"
"how to handle those cathode-ray tubes:
put their phosphorus screens into cubes
of plastic or wood,
then, aiming real good,
shoot electrons at vacuous boobs.
"
"""and now, my good sirs, the salon
calls us forth: let us hence, whereupon
we shall sit with none other
than karen's dear mother...""
""strewth, mate, you're bungin' it on.""
"
"a carry-oot's barry if you
want some batter to go wi' your bru.
chip supper or fish,
any other is pish.
think i'll carry some haddie oot noo.
"
"a rancher awakens and shudders.
the night was so muggy he mutters,
""my cattle are out
in the damp. little doubt
under them will be dew on two udders.""
"
"he gave his mate kevin a nudge,
saying, ""kev, i ain't holdin' a grudge,
but ten years on the dole?
mate, it's outta control.
look, i'm sorry, but strewth, what a bludge.""
"
"a cattleman isn't a cow/
human half-breed, with horns on his brow;
he's a person who tends 'em,
and now and then sends 'em
for slaughter, to turn into chow.
"
"a cat scanner slices and dices
your innards?these magic devices
use x-rays to see
your insides in 3-d?
while a cat scanner's useful for mices.
"
"any aussie fears bushfires most.
all your worldly possessions are toast
when the air is all red
and your neighbours have fled.
and the town you once cherished? a ghost.
"
"a burly murwillumbah copper
came (socially speaking) a cropper
when telling his guests
of his wrongful arrests?
by cripes, what a barbecue stopper.
"
"the house i grew up in had stacks
of white chimneys. i couldn't relax
in the summer?they all
needed painting. i'd crawl
on the roof and re-cover their cracks.
"
"the slivers of cheese that he fed 'er
were far from the tastiest cheddar,
but her love of the bland
made her promise her hand.
now he's feeding her edam to bed 'er.
"
"rain pattered, relentlessly drizzly,
on earth full of gravel, all chisley,
and soaked through the loam
into grandpa's new home...
(i'm a mole, so the ending ain't grisly.)
"
"a characteristic attraction
of limericks is bawdy distraction
from wordy pursuits.
so what are the fruits
of a wordy one? boredom? inaction?
"
"my chapbook is tiny and wee;
a bookish chap sold it to me.
my thighs i doth slap
at its verses and crap?
like this limerick, good chap. tee-hee-hee!
"
"would a chokeberry cause you to croak?
if it's stuck in your throat, you may choke
on this tart little fruit.
you should give it the boot,
right along with this obvious joke.
"
"the bunch of cilantro cried: ""slander!
how dare you call me, coriander,
the herb chinese parsley?
a parsley? how ghastly!
that personally gets up my dander.""
"
"when she learned he had crossed a clear line?
former east german agent, the swine!?
ilse cancelled their tryst.
yet she couldn't resist
that unspeakable ex-stasi, nein.
"
"the argentine bird called the chunga
has an ardent, insatiable hunger
for insects and snakes.
its appetite makes
it a terror?though many years younger.
"
"""chuck a prawn on the barbie"": the slogan
of famous australian paul hogan.
his image as ocker
authority-mocker
would nowadays get him called bogan.
"
"the slime moulds, not fungi or plants, are
eukaryotes, and there's a chance a
guy could confuse some
with amoebae. how come
those are cellular? god knows the answer.
"
"a certifier certainly knows
what's correct and what isn't, and goes
to some lengths to attest
you were duly assessed
on the stuff your certificate shows.
"
"a belt that held tight what was zesty,
the cestus of venus (the chesty
and ravishing goddess)
was worn near her bodice.
yes, cesti could make a man testy.
"
"a camelopard's covered in spots:
his neck, for example, has lots.
this fellow's been slotted
with pards (i.e., dotted),
but leopards will tie him in knots.
"
"cairns, near the barrier reef,
isn't big, so i'll try to be brief:
a tropical city;
the daintree is pretty;
the salties could bring you to grief.
"
"what's centralize mean? it's a riddle
that's teased us for eons; we twiddle
our thumbs as we wonder
what page it goes under...
not really. it's ""move to the middle"".
"
"our centralized means of production
enable far greater construction
of homes for the workers!
(you land-owning shirkers
will suffer some bank-account suction.)
"
"celebrity offspring must grapple
with laughable forenames, like apple
(the lovable fruit).
moms reckon they're cute,
but classmates will tell 'em they're crapple.
"
"the centigram isn't much used
in australia, because we perused
both the kilo- and milli-
gram, found them less silly,
and centigrams simply refused.
"
"the boules that they use in p?tanque
are metallic, and land with a clonk
when they're tossed at the jack
made of wood, which goes crack?
c'est le clonk et petonk et bedonk.
"
"when making a grant application,
you're doomed to repeated frustration.
they check and inspect you,
and then they reject you;
""dissection"" describes the sensation.
"
"a circle is perfectly round,
with no corner or break to be found:
as a consequence, great
as a shape for a plate?
makes 'em easy to roll on the ground.
"
"though for bowling outdoors he's a fool,
mon p?re has an ironclad rule:
he'll play in verona,
but never pamplona?
he's heard that they run with the boules.
"
"when i first saw room 101's clock,
it was striking thirteen, to my shock.
now the clock has struck one,
and the rats have begun
singing ""hickory dickory dock"".
"
"he's contesting it? this'll confirm
his paternity: sample his sperm.
you'll see in each wriggle
his lecherous giggle,
confirming the guy is a worm.
"
"john constable painted the clouds
over dedham, in gathering crowds
of charcoal and grey;
his bucolic scenes lay
under heavy-set heavenly shrouds.
"
"if a site's full of words, this can twist 'em
in multiple ways; if you missed 'em,
it serves 'em up twice
so there's more to entice.
such a nice content management system!
"
"if you wanna see news, cnn
will inform you again and again
and again of what's gone
on today, on and on,
and again and again and again.
"
"oh, tell me of clarified butter!
i'll melt at the secrets you utter.
when mustard seeds sputter,
my heart starts to flutter?
ghee whiz, i'm a curry-mad nutter.
"
"an arthritic ol' ankylosaur
couldn't tolerate life any more.
""my knuckles are fine,""
he was heard to opine,
""but blimey, my ankles are sore.""
"
"every animal found in the zoo
ambled onto the ark two-by-two:
two impalas, who leapt;
two iguanas, who crept;
two guanacos, two gnats, and two gnu.
"
"on a road trip, our dad knew that when
we would reach for the tape deck and then
put in ours, he should scramble
for gentle glen campbell:
the right tone's a cowboy, for men.
"
"a chameleon whose skin was inert
tried to blend with a branch till it hurt.
as his brow sweated beads,
he announced, ""what i need's
camouflageable hide?or a shirt.""
"
"the candytuft, white, pink, or purple,
a blossom to make a bird chirp, 'll
make people peep too,
from gibraltar right through
to the gardens of constantinurple.
"
"i said to my sister, ""now really, kate,
you should know the answer, or nearly, kate.
it's as clear as can be:
it's a silicate, see,
with the prefix alumino-, silly kate.""
"
"when he fell on his sword, id est died,
cleopatra, his lover, then cried,
""hic jacet a marcus
antonius carcase,""
soon prostrate, per asp, at his side.
"
"at the cromwell in barnaby gate,
a pet donkey stole food from my plate.
""dinner fit for a king!""
i declared?the best thing
that hotelier's ass ever ate.
"
"the science and techie types say,
""b.sc.? i would study all day?
but only a loony
would turn up to uni
for only a bloody b.a.""
"
"a fencer who thought he'd been leading
was suddenly foiled and bleeding.
he said to his foe,
""i won't bow to you! no!
i've never believed in acceding.""
"
"cornwall, the home of the pasty,
is hilly and pretty, not nasty.
when looking south-west
from a lot of the rest
of great britain, it's kinda most-last-y.
"
"the complete works of melville? oh, boy?
now there's a thought fills me with joy.
the heart of his corpus?
an overgrown porpoise,
and multiple wails of ""ahoy!""
"
"an eagle will commonly rest
in an aery, or lofty cliff nest?
when made of material
that's aery (ethereal),
a tenuous foothold at best.
"
"aonian things are from greece,
like the people who dwell there and fleece
all the tourists who visit
to find things exquisite?
like musings, one euro apiece.
"
"one who anthropomorphizes tries
to perceive things through too-human eyes.
did you think that car smiled?
think your dog is your child?
sorry, neither one's us in disguise.
"
"when you anglicize, don't go too far:
keep appearances much as they are.
don't wear without care
the st george's cross where
angry anglophobes might bomb your car.
"
"the tyger burns ever so bright
in the forests and deeps of the night.
should your hand seize the fire,
ease your grasp, or expire:
don't antagonize him?tygers bite.
"
"it probably isn't that wise
to overly alcoholize
your afternoon drink:
whenever you blink,
your boss will see alcohol eyes.
"
"azazel was evil, my child!
this demon lived out in the wild;
the hebrews would send
him a scapegoat, and blend
of scapecheeses, both tasty and mild.
"
"what doofus decided to fix
a verb that was adequate: mix?
what brought them to blend
a before with that end
to create the admixture admix?
"
"an ambassador shouldn't be rude,
so your consular duties include
helping guests from back home
be polite ""when in rome"",
though they question the customs and food.
"
"on clearways, you clearly don't stop?
ask any respectable cop.
you do and you'll find
you get hit from behind,
'cos your driving's all over the shop.
"
"more computerization? no way!
they already have far too much say
in controlling our lives:
a computer deprives
me of ninety percent of my pay.
"
"as i cling to the edge of this ledge,
i shall sing you this dignified pledge:
should my fingerhold crumble,
i shan't linger or grumble?
i'll fling myself into that sedge.
"
"richard avedon shot jfk,
although not in a grassy-knoll way.
from the back, to the left,
all his portraits were deft:
magazine shoots remembered today.
"
"to banbury cross on a cock-horse
rides baby: a toy wooden-block horse
goes trotting along
to the tot's ringing song,
with its rider astride her white mock-horse.
"
"combustibility causes hostility
when ignition engulfs the nobility.
yes, combustibleness
is a burning distress
for a baron who's lacking agility.
"
"having comeliness means that you're comely,
so someone won't look on you glumly.
you're pretty, for sure,
but it takes a bit more
for a chum to succumb to you dumbly.
"
"black and white were the shades i would see
when i gazed at the tube, age of three,
but the year i turned eight,
every vision turned great:
mum and dad bought a colour tv.
"
"the coucher, when hand-making paper,
lays pulp to be pressed: he's a draper
of soggy rag fibres
which, dried, help inscribers
to further their ink-slinging caper.
"
"you're the person on whom i depend;
you're the one i would back to the end;
you're the port in my storm;
you're encouraging, warm
and unparallelled: you're my best friend.
"
"that blood blister under her thumb
is a sign of how utterly dumb
is my bloody big sister.
the door would have missed her,
but who had her hand stuck out? um...
"
"cleavage cavities aren't gaps in chests,
so enough of your blasphemous jests.
the new embryo's sphere
full of fluid?in here
is this blastocoel. later come breasts.
"
"in the olden days, cold-water flats
weren't uncommon, as rentier rats
wouldn't pay for hot water
as much as they oughter.
amenity enmity, that's.
"
"the ciliary ganglion sits
at the back of the eye-socket?it's
like a relay that serves
eyeball muscular nerves
and some other misc. optical bits.
"
"the clicket goes knockety-knock
on the door, with a clickety-clock
and a knockety-clickety,
clockety-knickety?
stop it! i'm stuck on the lock!
"
"when a geezer's called fella or bloke,
such descriptions we label colloq.
hey, dude, they're informal,
but perfectly normal?
don't fix 'em; the language ain't broke.
"
"dig around in most anywhere's dirt,
and you're likely to find, if alert,
microcrystalline quartz
of a number of sorts,
such as agate, flint, jasper?all chert.
"
"in the offal champs cook-off tonight,
the contestants won't whimper?they'll fight.
they'll pummel each heart
and slice livers apart.
it's a blood-and-guts battle, all right.
"
"once the lad she'd been eyeing matured,
connie planned his seduction: she lured
vin away from his bike,
saying, ""this, you will like.""
the convincement of vince was assured.
"
"reader, concentrate: all of us die.
but there's death and there's death, and here's why:
it takes mass consecration
to fight the negation
implicit in arbeit macht frei.
"
"the atlantic's without, while in here
huddled bodies lie crowded in fear.
traders claim to have shown
that our lives aren't our own,
but our souls aren't enslaved?they ring clear.
"
"on his doubters, the wiz stole a march,
as he sawed through the box made of larch.
""my assistant,"" he said,
""was already half-dead.""
(as magicians go, this one was arch.)
"
"doc, i know that the herb in your pot
is biennial, and that it's got
a stout taproot, and comes
from eurasia, but crumbs?
any clotbur has burs on, you clot.
"
"lawrence hargrave invented a kite
in the shape of two boxes. in flight,
it would gracefully sail
on the wind with no tail,
like a brick made of styrofoam might.
"
"i'm ambitionless?couldn't care less
if i finish this verse. no distress
will result from my failure
to rhyme with... um... failure.
so, yeah. that's about it.
"
"what help art thou needing to bed me?
which surface assists for to spread ye?
will haystacks suffice?
would this carpette be nice?
dost mine bed on its bedstead bestead thee?
"
"if half of the voters, like you,
vote for red, and a half plus one blue,
you may not think it right
that the blue win the night,
but an absolute majority do.
"
"nature made you the person you are;
just accept it and you will go far.
you can't blame your strife
on the foes in your life.
now get in the back of the car.
"
"when you're facing a tough day ahead,
and you're chasing a base for your spread,
forget muffins: what most
people stuff in is toast?
some would say, the best thing since sliced bread.
"
"the programmer of a computer:
part-builder and part-trouble-shooter.
those zeroes and ones
are all fine if it runs,
but too often the code-word is neuter.
"
"correggio, mystery man,
was an avid mythology fan,
portraying what ovid
related: how jove'd
swan up to each lady he'd scan.
"
"the alopex lives near the pole,
where he feeds on the marmot and vole,
and wears socks on his feet
in his wintry retreat:
a cosy alaskan fox-hole.
"
"corot was once figured a great,
the p?re of fine art in the late
nineteenth century, yet
how soon people forget!
reputations can have a sad fate.
"
"from a circle with roughly scrawled grin
to a stick-figure lanky and thin,
over time, kids express
their artistic side less,
till they're left merely colouring in.
"
"the realist gustave courbet
caused people in paris dismay.
his erotic late paintings
led ladies to faintings,
and thus were removed from display.
"
"to commote is to cause a commotion,
as remote is to foster remotion:
demotions of note,
thanks to popular vote,
from the words we all quote with devotion.
"
"a cormorant sits on a rock
temporarily, out in the loch.
if he stays for a while,
a wee shag on his pile,
he's a commorant cormorant, jock.
"
"the containerization of trade
saw the crime on the waterfront fade.
once a company locks
all its brands in a box,
there's a shocking amount to be made.
"
"unreliable engine goes ""conk"";
uncontrollable clunker goes ""bonk"".
inconsolable victim
enunciates dictum:
""ensure that your claxon goes 'honk'!""
"
"when sirius goes to the toilet,
do serious crises embroil it?
are constellate dog stars
incontinent bog stars?
(i know they're white flowers. don't spoil it!)
"
"""i've invited you here on the hunch
that you're all a competitive bunch.
there's a lot on the table,
so let's, now we're able,
get straight down to business."" munch, munch.
"
"this castle of mine's buy-to-let,
thanks to giveaway mortgages?yet
as the rentals are small
for a fortified wall,
it's a purchase i've come to regret.
"
"as any good author or student
will tell you, in writing it's prudent
to bring to a close
your meandering prose
with a passage that's clearly concludent.
"
"a copemate's a person i hope
will, in partnership, help me to cope.
the thing that i don't
need is someone who won't,
so i'm sorry my mate's such a dope.
"
"an atheist pupil cried, ""miss,
if i'm christless, how come my name's chris?""
""yes, it does seem quite odd
that it references god.
you should ask your dad zeus about this.""
"
"my physicist roommate denied
that his pet was a problem: he cried,
""is his poop really there?""
i replied, ""i don't care?
just put schr?dinger's cat box outside!""
"
"a furry young bear cub took fright
coming home with his family one night:
""my porridge was eaten!
they've broken my seat, 'n
they're still in my bed that's just right!""
"
"this giraffe i made isn't a winner?
its neck should be longer and thinner,
and all those pink dots
were a poor choice for spots?
but at sculpture i'm still a beginner.
"
"coal's stuck in the hold of our ship,
and to raise it may not be a snip.
what we need is some bloke
who can scare up that coke?
so whip our coal, coal-whipper! whip!
"
"cariamas from southern brazil
carry llamas from mountains to kill?
or they would if they could.
their legs aren't that good,
so a lizard's their typical thrill.
"
"i'll tell you a story, i shall. um...
there once was an adjective, pal, um,
which meant ""like that styptic,
um, sulphate..."" too cryptic?
it's alumish?um, it's ""like alum"".
"
"the flap of a butterfly's wing
causes chaos: that one little thing
set the weather adrift,
gave the markets a lift,
and made fractal bloke mandelbrot king.
"
"in ascii, the sort order goes
in a way that you mightn't suppose:
there's a 3 before e;
you have t, then your p;
& + - before all of those.
"
"a chronopher carries the time
from a source to the furthermost clime
using pulses of power.
when wondering the hour,
we hail its electrical chime.
"
"she's chatty and cheerful and chirrupy,
likes ponies and horses all stirrupy,
thinks lambsies are lovely,
is gentle and dovely
and sugary, sickly and syrupy.
"
"""hey, pardon me, boy, but what's down
this here line?"" ""why, a place of renown!
it's the tennessee hub
of our train network, bub:
chattanooga, the choo-choo-based town.""
"
"ikea's opponents prepared
for its annual meeting. unscared,
they assembled their case;
knocked up tables apace.
sad for them, it was all-too-well chaired.
"
"i mildly derided my bride
for childishly chiding our guide
on our honeymoon tour.
she was sooo immature?
that ghost train was such a cool ride.
"
"a masterpiece? not to my mind?
it has woodchips and resin behind!
that so-called vermeer
is a phony veneer.
it's been painted on chipboard, you'll find.
"
"athabascans are hunters of game.
taking reindeer and moose is one aim.
catching shellfish and salmon,
they never see famine.
our junk food just isn't the same.
"
"now, children, let's sit for a while,
and i'll read you... no hair-pulling, kyle!
now, this story is... bridget!
don't giggle and fidget!
you'll make me so cross that i'll... i'll...
"
"chinese gooseberry didn't quite suit
the promotional plans for this fruit
in new zealand. their game
was to simply rename
it the kiwi: brown, furry and cute.
"
"he attempted one chin-up too far:
couldn't haul himself up to the bar
on the ninety-ninth try.
""never mind,"" said some guy
who was watching. ""chin up, man. cigar?""
"
"all the knowledge and riches on earth
can't begin to approach what it's worth
to have seen it all through
and be welcoming you
to the world at your moment of birth.
"
"we use centi- for point-oh-one meters;
on occasion, it's point-oh-one liters.
but the bug that you meet
having point-oh-one feet
has encountered some centipede eaters.
"
"my avatar girlfriend once reckoned
that life goes much faster in second.
i know how i feel?
her body's unreal!
our virtual bedroom has beckoned.
"
"this virtual world is the worst!
my avatar looks like he's cursed.
the rendering's shoddy?
his head has no body!
a second life? oh, for a first.
"
"there's a word we beware of down under,
and given its meaning, no wonder:
a sensible fella
will wear an umbrella
when, hurled from a window, comes chunder.
"
"a truckie of plentiful girth
on the nullarbor suffered a dearth
of swan lager. he knew
what he then had to do:
chuck a u-ie and drive back to perth.
"
"caernarfonshire: county in wales
that became part of gwynedd, which fails
to explain all the facts
about each of these tracts,
but i'll let some old bard tell their tales.
"
"i know that you like patrick swayze,
but saying that martin scorsese
picked him first as jesus?
think mental diseases.
think loony. think loco. think crazy.
"
"a journalist wanting words checked
leaves a note for a sub to detect.
his method of quelling
each dubious spelling?
write after it cq (correct).
"
"if it's valuable, though you may think it
too delicate, really, to clink it,
if it glitters of gold
or of silver, behold:
it is clinquant, this intricate trinket.
"
"if blue angels and devils now leap
through blue heavens and over blue sheep,
and the sedative you
took sedately was blue,
amobarbital's sent you to sleep.
"
"your prose is the work of a hack,
and is subject, i think, to attack.
signing off ""time will tell""
may in your eyes read well,
but it's bound to come in for some flack.
"
"a car dealer buys and sells cars.
if you're cursing the hummer that mars
the secluded outdoors
and your trip to the stores,
they're the people to put behind bars.
"
"my pussycat, cheshire, as feared,
didn't take to his cat box. it's weird:
whenever he went
to the bathroom, the scent
hung around, but the scats disappeared.
"
"the coronis: a line, often curved,
that in books has occasionally served
to impart to the world
that the author's unfurled
(with a flourish) the ending deserved.
"
"when an elephant heedlessly stomped
on a turtle, her elderly prompt,
""mmff, your fooss on m' shell,""
went unheard, as well?""hell,
don't do nuffin' on turtle's accompt.""
"
"the telephonist yawned as the laird
told her how all his properties fared.
but he got his come-uppance:
she handed him tuppence
and said to call someone who cared.
"
"there was o and then a and then s:
all the levels of students' success.
the advanced test appended
was mostly intended
(in england) for oxbridge, i guess.
"
"this blanket i'm under is hot.
do i like all these railings? do not!
i'll cry and i'll scream
till you rise from your dream.
(it gets rather extreme in my cot.)
"
"the fur of a witch's pet cat,
a bowler or stovepipe top hat,
a liquorice stick
or the heart of old nick:
yes, coal-black is blacker than that.
"
"a beachcomber finds on the shore
old fishing nets, driftwood and more:
the delicate skull
of a sand-covered gull,
and cuttlefish bones by the score.
"
"an ancient britannical oracle
declared as he paddled his coracle,
""this round wicker boat
has a future of note?
it'll float until annums historical.""
"
"my clumsiness typifies me
as a person of height (six foot three):
we distinguish ourselves
by colliding with shelves,
or a doorframe or low-hanging tree.
"
"his life was cartoonish, replete
with hilarious scenes of defeat.
when he tried to walk tall,
he would meet with a fall
from banana skins left in the street.
"
"the cowpea is grown as manure
by those for whom cow poo's impure.
if cows instead eat 'em
and loudly excrete 'em,
it's peasy to follow their spoor.
"
"a druid, a priest and an oracle
went over some falls in a coracle.
""this boat is too round!""
""dear god, we'll be drowned!""
""i'm predicting this rhyme's allegorical.""
"
"that samson is huge, a colossus.
don't piss the man off, or he'll toss us
from pillar to post.
just make like a ghost,
and hope that he don't run across us.
"
"our cow-orkers huddle like cattle
in cubicles; typically, that'll
mean trouble a-brewing,
'cos all of their mooing
will awkwardly make our nerves rattle.
"
"i've been burning down houses without
any breaks for a fortnight, about,
and i've started to keep
seeing flames in my sleep?
truth to tell, i've been feeling burnt-out.
"
"the cornloft is where we store grain
to protect it from dampness and rain.
up there, near the roof,
is this granary?proof
that a corny word's meaning is plain.
"
"the chivachie conquered, or nearly,
the valley of death, cavalierly.
but woe, the six hundred!
foes volley'd and thunder'd;
which wasn't that chivalrous, really.
"
"stick to two unstressed beats, and no more,
between any you stress, so that your
humble limerick will scan
for each poetry fan.
(contradictoriness involves using four.)
"
"doc, this p?t? of yours is exquisite.
it goes in the blender, then whiz it?
at least that explains
how you're using your brains!
but it's hardly brain surgery, is it?
"
"bosnia and herzegovina
once sported a happy demeanor,
but suffered a fate
i'm averse to relate...
sarajevo's olympics were cleaner.
"
"country a reckons lingerie teases.
country c says a swimsuit's what pleases.
between them, one neutral
remains birthday-suit-ral:
country b, as their buffer, appeases.
"
"thistorrentofdatatransmits
incontinuoussequenceitsbits
inarushdownthepipes
oftheinternet?yipes,
this is hardly a stream, it's a blitz!
"
"the hilarious verse of hilaire
is replete with d?nouements that scare:
lessons painfully learned,
such as ""liars get burned"".
moral: children, be good, or beware.
"
"if the falling of bombs upon slough
seems attractive, and running a plough
through the rubble that's left
wouldn't leave you bereft,
come, you're ready for betjeman now.
"
"life in a really big city
is urban and streetwise and gritty;
you're never quite sure
if a mugging's in store,
but at least the reporters are witty.
"
"the citizen's role is to vote,
to sing anthems from first to last note,
and to carry out deeds
the community needs,
though the odds of all that are remote.
"
"i landed a freshwater cheven
(or chavender) after eleven.
this luckless young chub
made delectable grub:
down the little red lane to fish heaven.
"
"six consonants all in succession?
surely not in an english expression!
i tell you, it's true,
and you know one, you do?
it's a catchphrase i'd use with discretion.
"
"ooohhhhhh aberdeen, finest city of granite,
with a number of thoroughfares which span it,
and some bridges, they say,
quite like the one o'er the tay
near by dundee, fairest toun on the planet.
"
"creutzfeldt-jakob disease kills the brain
by destroying its nerve cells; complain
of dementia, and you
could have cjd too!
either that, or you're simply insane.
"
"ckd, chronic kidney disease,
brings a sufferer lifelong unease.
""will my kidneys give out?""
is the nub of his doubt,
brought to mind every time that he pees.
"
"what to frame, and how much to expose;
which particular sets to disclose;
when to pan or to zoom
to make sense of a room:
what a cinematographer knows.
"
"you record, and you mix, and you master
in digital form, so you plaster
ddd on the label
wherever you're able,
so sales aren't a d-d-disaster.
"
"ddt was a wonderful thing
for destruction of bugs on the wing,
but a fate worse than arson,
said bird-watcher carson,
was bound to result: silent spring.
"
"i suppose i was mostly to blame
when i suddenly burst into flame.
one shouldn't aspire
to sit near the fire
when danger is one's middle name.
"
"was it mona, you reckon, who chose
to look cryptic? or do you suppose
leonardo da vinci
just gave her a pinch? she
perhaps had a code id her doze?
"
"the digital tape known as dat
had its day, but today is old hat.
though musicians were thrilled,
the home market was killed,
and so dat, as they say, was soon that.
"
"though a beetle or ant may deny it,
a decibel sounds pretty quiet.
but a hundred or more
will be shaking the floor,
like an elephant herd in a riot.
"
"the digital compact cassette?
the (supposedly) best format yet?
was an out-and-out flop.
home recorders pressed stop,
and fast-forwarded it to forget.
"
"the cursitors made out the writs
in the damn court of chancery?it's
where the screwed sought redress
beyond law, but the mess
that ensued got on dickens's tits.
"
"telling pooches to cwtch means ""lie down""
when you're each in some cushy welsh town.
if you want to look butch,
then you'd better not cwtch
the dogs' owner?he'll shoot you a frown.
"
"on the deck, tom is sick, head to toes,
as chunks start to spew out his nose.
""i'm a wailing ol' lubber,""
he happens to blubber.
the lookout observes, ""thar he blows!""
"
"age is no safeguard from folly,
so grandads should never be ""jolly"".
too often, the rule
is you'll look like a fool,
and your grandkids will say, ""off his trolley!""
"
"we expect, when elected to power,
that a president really should tower
over others around,
but some leaders, we've found,
are an eight-year-long amateur hour.
"
"my grandmother made, for a laugh,
this needlework neckwear, where half
of the garment is coated
in tunes, quarter-noted:
she crocheted this crotcheted scarf.
"
"consumerism: theory that states
that a future of profits awaits
if we all gobble more.
while its prophets adore
getting fat, what a fate it creates!
"
"they said it was good to consume;
that economies thereby would boom.
and they did, for a while;
then they didn't. now i'll
consume tins of baked beans in my room.
"
"this condiment bottle's a crewet?
its purpose is plain to intuit.
take care with the stopper!
you could come a cropper
removing... oh, screw it, just do it.
"
"i'm determined that sooner or later
she'll deem me her number-one dater.
this dearly priced dinner
denotes me as winner,
unless she decamps with the waiter.
"
"you're a tanner or maker of shoes?
then crispin's the patron to choose,
or crispinian, his brother,
for one's like the other.
they're cobblers? depends on one's views.
"
"so you feel a bit crook, do ya, mate?
it's perhaps 'cos of somethin' you ate.
either that, or a cold?
or you're just gettin' old.
take these pills after dinner, an' wait.
"
"malicious young swine! getting plastered
on sacrament wine, when the pastor'd
shown faith in supplying it,
and now you're denying it?
coward! my, my, what a dastard.
"
"a brat pack's a group of celebs,
ostentatious and young, who the plebs
all recall for their rowdiness;
eventually, cloudiness
intrudes as their youthfulness ebbs.
"
"when a couple of corporals congreet,
there are mutual salutes when they meet.
when they're everyday joes,
they congreet with hellos.
when they're babies, they wiggle their feet.
"
"all these oddments are destined to lurk
in my oeuvre, or body of work,
every overthought line
doomed to fade and decline
in a corpus the ages will shirk.
"
"i admit it: i've borne a slight grudge
over how my accountant would fudge
my investment returns,
which is why he now earns,
from this window, the tiniest nudge.
"
"the brat pack most movie fans know
were the stars of two decades ago.
here's the roll that most call:
sheedy, ringwald, moore, hall,
a. mccarthy, judd nelson, rob lowe.
"
"cro-magnons were cave-dwellers who
looked like me and potentially you,
with a prominent chin,
rising forehead, and thin,
gracile figure?that's me, through and through.
"
"in caves across latter-day france,
the aurochs and mammoth still dance
across ochre-drawn walls:
in these ancestors' halls,
artists hunted the heart of our chance.
"
"""pray, hush now, and let down thy hair!""
calls the prince to the maiden so fair,
so that lusty rapunzel
unwinding her buns'll
allow him to clamber up there.
"
"any dude who knows latin says ""shame!""
when you call what you deprecate lame.
he knows it's more mordicant
calling it claudicant?
both mean exactly the same.
"
"johnny appleseed's legend had grown
like the trees from the seeds he had sown
near the southern great lakes,
but his fans made mistakes?
johnny kudzuseed's less fondly known.
"
"""click here!"" screams the banner ad, ""quick!
punch the monkey!"" your eyes start to flick.
""press the top of your mouse
and you could win a house!""
yeah, as if... click click click click click click.
"
"my friend sven said, ""when men have a yen
for norwegian books now and again,
knowing bokm?l will do,
as will nynorsk?those two
are the dominant tongues in our ken.""
"
"all the words that we prefix with circum-
have a round/about, what is it, quirk, um,
in meaning, that is,
to be circum- ? gee whiz! ?
is it ""locutory""? (see why i shirk 'em?)
"
"so it's christmas, and what have i done?
not completed my card list, for one,
or bought tinsel, or food,
or some gifts for my brood...
i could get away clean if i run.
"
"the ringmaster's costume was dashy?
designed to draw eyes with its splashy
and splendid display?
but not gaudy; no way
would a flea-circus leader be flashy.
"
"i was clueless. ""what happened? oh, poo!
i hit enter, and now the screen's blue.
does it mean that it's dead,
or it doesn't like red?
to be honest, i haven't a clue.""
"
"called tech support: ""what do i do?""
his clueful reply: ""the screen's blue?
turn the switch off and on.""
so i did?problem's gone.
what a genius! who knows how he knew?
"
"fawning movies, an ass-kissing book,
star-struck stories wherever you look:
fair reporting is dead
when it's sharing a bed
with our leaders, who stay off the hook.
"
"conspurcation: the act of defiling,
which conscienceless types find beguiling.
they spread their pollution,
escape prosecution,
and boast to their stockholders, smiling.
"
"""the cranage to transfer this stuff
from our ship to the dock is enough
to send anyone broke!""
cried our boss. as he spoke,
we all managed to keep looking tough.
"
"my normal emotion's chagrin
when exposing my pasty white skin
on a beach in the med.
but on bondi, instead,
i'm embarrassed because i'm so thin.
"
"watch the charming hungarian prance
to the csardas, his national dance!
from a gentle beginning,
he leaves his girl spinning?
a dashing, if whirlwind, romance.
"
"i'm finding it tricky to think
when this cursor does nothing but blink
at the end of each line...
my beginning was fine,
but the ending, i'm certain, will stink.
"
"if the ctenophore's not a true jelly,
then why the gelatinous belly?
it's plankton, it seems,
and it combs the extremes
of the oceans, as seen on the telly.
"
"my curriculum vitae (cv)
is a bullet-point bio of me:
my degrees, date of birth,
and lamentable dearth
of old money to keep me job-free.
"
"in cyberspace, everyone delves
into e-books on virtual shelves,
while discussing their day
with i-friends far away
who know only their avatar selves.
"
"in czechoslovakia, beer
was a useful distraction from fear.
a budvar or two
turned a red sky to blue,
and a pilsner meant springtime was here.
"
"""chest x-ray"", the card on his bed
had directed (it actually read
""cxr"", but whatever),
but chester was never
examined?by dawn, he was dead.
"
"the lizard that crawls on the steeple
was formerly known as a creeple.
a label the same
was applied to the lame?
not creatures, however, but people.
"
"the ad cost us six thousand bucks,
but the cost of each mille is the crux.
so for twelve thousand views,
that's five hundred we lose
for each thousand who know that it sucks.
"
"the sight of an arabic dhow
would in olden days dampen the brow
of a man on the shore,
as the slavers who bore
down upon him would soon have him now.
"
"you've taken your ultimate breath
in the clutches of cawdor's macbeth.
is a dagger the cause
of the infinite pause
that now draws from this instant of death?
"
"a crayfish got caught in a crevice
in a creek to the north of ben nevis,
and swore, ""i'm a crawfish
who'll struggle to claw fish.
how awful i'm also called crevis.""
"
"when tasmanian fishermen say
that they've landed a crayfish or cray,
it's a lobster they've caught,
not the freshwater sort?
they're prohibited catches today.
"
"i agree a fair price with you now
for this currency; later, you vow,
you'll deliver the lot.
what a future i've got?
it's a contract for coining it, yow!
"
"first me herd of new anguses stray,
then me prize-winning bull turns out gay.
now me polls have dried up
and their yield's a cup.
strike a light, what a cow of a day.
"
"it's the use of a crane in some way,
or the tariff the user must pay:
cranage 1 involves lift;
cranage 2, feeling miffed.
heavy loads either way, one could say.
"
"aussie damper's a rough sorta bread
made by stockmen, although it's been said
that some bushrangers, too,
ate a hunk with their stew:
""such is loaf""?the last words of our ned.
"
"golden syrup on damper? oh, boy!
and on dumplings? mm-mmm! cocky's joy
on my ice cream? yes, please!
and this toast? just a squeeze!
and with vegemite? ...that would annoy.
"
"""had a cow of a day, did you, cocky?""
""like a racin' horse, mate, with no jockey.
first me wife broke her arm,
then the bank took our farm.""
""what a shocker."" ""yeah, little bit rocky.""
"
"though once it was thought de rigueur
for the formally dressed to wear fur,
fashion etiquette now
simply doesn't allow
one to don what would formerly purr.
"
"duniwassals were scotsmen of rank,
with the highland clan system to thank.
they were gentlemen, though
rarely gentle, and so
i'm relieved there weren't lots, to be frank.
"
"though the soviets used to exalt
stalin's memory, this came to a halt
with de-stalinization.
(not desalination?
that's removing not statues, but salt.)
"
"dear fern,
you're enchanting, i hear,
to those ruminant nibblers, the deer.
your evergreen fronds
will, like magical wands,
make incredible cravings appear.
"
"the surrealist belgian, delvaux,
painted women at night in a slow,
doe-eyed, naked parade;
trains and skeletons made
for an ever more mystical show.
"
"now that khrushchev is running the show,
let's de-stalinize: no uncle joe.
all these streets with his name
are a soviet shame;
those moustachioed statues can go.
"
"when the earth is completely depleted,
its atmosphere too overheated,
each forest defeated
and species maltreated,
our children are bound to feel cheated.
"
"in ye olden days, buying a goat
might have cost you four pennies?a groat?
while a demigroat?half?
might have bought you a calf,
if you got an exceptional quote.
"
"since the moment that records began,
overstatement's had many a fan.
being ""good"" ain't enough
when you're writing your puff:
use ""the all-time best yet!"" while you can!
"
"a dakar driver's jiving miss daisy
for calling his car-driving lazy:
""no africa car-
driver strives in dakar.""
all this punning could senegal crazy.
"
"""your project is doomed, a dead duck,""
he informed me. ""you're flat out of luck.
it's had it. kaput.
it's been crushed underfoot.
and it's your fault, you featherbrain."" ""cluck.""
"
"?you're a passable handyman, prof,
but you knew that we had to block off
just the window, that's all?
?yes, i did: there's the wall.
?well, you've blocked off the passageway! ?cough.
"
"if your nature is gloomy and darksome,
be wary of those who are larksome.
the merry and gay
have a maddening way
of improving one's day, which is narksome.
"
"when you hear it, you now bring to mind
the main senses and meanings behind
all its letters and sounds.
understanding abounds!
this defined word is therefore defined.
"
"you're skipping dessert? what a waste!
oh, my dears, just the teensiest taste!
a small degustation
beats self-deprivation?
these samples should bring round the chaste.
"
"don't wrinkle your nose in disgust
at the sight of your pudding's burnt crust.
if grandmother made it,
you'll never evade it.
degust it with gusto?you must.
"
"when an enemy enters the fray,
don't engage him in muddled m?l?e;
to really convulse him,
you need to depulse him:
to thrust him and drive him away.
"
"with his skin getting shrivelled and wrinkly,
our son looks decidedly crinkly.
no question, this baby
loves bathwater. ""maybe
i bathtime all day!"" he says pinkly.
"
"our ambassador voyagers race
to new places beyond sol's embrace,
heading into the zone
that is commonly known
by us earthlings back home as deep space.
"
"you want to know what's in a conto?
i'll tell you in confidence pronto:
a thousand escudos,
and savers accrued those
in portugal?not in toronto.
"
"disembodiment means that your spirit
has fled from your body; it's clear it
no longer enjoys
all the fury and noise
of existence?some spirits do fear it.
"
"if it's pidgin you personally speak,
block your ears when you're taking a peek
at this possum-like creature,
or kwiktaim he'll teach yer,
'cos cuscuses curse a blue streak.
"
"the dinosaurs, mighty and strong,
lived a long, long, long, long, long, long, long
time ago. noah's flood
caught them all in its mud,
say creationists. i know they're wrong.
"
"""you tripped on some razor-sharp wire,
then landed head-first in a fire.
your calmness is baseless:
you're footless and faceless!""
""but groin-height?that would have been dire.""
"
"what dictionary lists every word
in the language that anyone's heard
and defines them? and worse,
tries to do it in verse?
the suggestion is, frankly, absurd.
"
"i'm told i should read some jane austen?
romantic, with irony tossed in.
but here's my dilemma:
persuasion or emma?
they're novels i fear i'd get lost in.
"
"wipe your tears, little darling, don't cry;
all pet rabbits eventually die.
though his body is spent,
rest assured his soul went
to that hutch in the sky. (mmm, mmm?pie.)
"
"losing focus when speaking is less
of a problem for others, i guess,
but my mind won't sit still.
it's a curse, if you will.
(should i curse in this verse? i digress.)
"
"a fine astronomical prize,
chamaeleon hides in the skies
of the southernmost nations.
(note: no constellations
are known to hide out and eat flies.)
"
"the tough, callused skin on my feet
is because i walk round in the street
without sandals or socks.
it can handle most rocks,
and in summer it copes with the heat.
"
"""a hung parliament? surely you're jokin'!""
yes, the voters of britain have spoken,
and they all disagree.
sounds normal to me?
who says our democracy's broken?
"
"you claim it's a promising trend?
your hopes are unfounded, my friend.
we're still at the start, and
i'm feeling disheartened;
just wait till we get to the end.
"
"a voluminous intake of ash
could invite an involuntary crash
should a jumbo jet fly
through volcano-stained sky,
which is why we're erupting our cash.
"
"the dog and the wolf have both starred
in movies and books of regard,
and even a civet
or hyena will rivet;
but aardwolves are doing it 'ard.
"
"this metrical term won't describe
its own stress pattern; poets would gibe
at a kor-ee-am-bus.
to avoid any fuss,
call it -am-bus?and never imbibe.
"
"as i coughed, his expression turned weighty.
""your lungs are a basket case, matey.
to best decongest them,
i suggest that you rest them.
stop breathing and count up to eighty.""
"
"he's displaying discretion, to start;
disassembling in public's not smart.
piece by piece, he's begun
to dismantle his gun.
discretely, bond handles each part.
"
"in the plural, these flicker their light
in the darkest recesses of night;
and when singular, too,
you will find that a new
candelabrum can make a room bright.
"
"disenfranchisement means you're deprived
of a right; those in charge have contrived
to discard what you had?
say, your vote. oooh, you're mad!
now it's gone, but your anger's survived.
"
"mighty lucifer, let me be your
demonographer: i will ensure
that your evils are written
(in blood. of a kitten.)
and nailed to the nearest church door.
"
"this all-time best-seller is liable
to portrayal by some as too pliable:
no few have attacked
the arrayal of ""fact""
in the bible as unverifiable.
"
"as of now, i can safely attest
that to live on this planet is blessed.
since our species began,
it's been perfect for man:
of the options, it's clearly the best.
"
"all-powerful, i, and all-seeing:
all-time most unusu-all being!
all creatures i made;
all-importance displayed...
then took all week off and went skiing.
"
"said a man to the reverend, ""so,
your mate jesus... like, how can you know?
don't you find it quite odd,
this assumption he's god?""
all he said, with abruptness, was: ""no.""
"
"every staff member dreads an appraisal;
dissecting their sorrier ways'll
leave anyone glum,
so tread carefully, chum:
if your judgements don't please 'em, a raise'll.
"
"a relentless array of successive
disasters has led to progressive
erosion of my
self-esteem, which is why
i'm depressive: 'cos they were depressive.
"
"the big mac index measures the price
of a burger, a handy device
for comparing one place
with another. one case:
in malaysia, one-seventy?nice.
"
"do you reckon you're some kind of hero
as you nuke this desired ground zero?
once your dgz burns
you shall reap the returns.
face the music, you latter-day nero.
"
"the development fund for iraq
was established once bush's attack
had succeeded; yes, now
he could solemnly vow
that his plan was to give something back.
"
"aelbert cuyp painted afternoon light
washing over the countryside?quite
the serene point of view,
which has caused some ado?
but once married, he faded from sight.
"
"""there was an old man of cashmere,
whose movements were scroobious and queer;
being slender and tall,
he looked over a wall,
and perceived two fat ducks...""?edward lear.
"
"acanthocheilonema's no germ?
it's a genus of tropical worm.
one that's under my skin
has moved up to my chin,
which explains why my whiskers now squirm.
"
"when left with a bowlful of giblets,
mum crumbed 'em and made chicken niblets.
""they're entrails,"" we cried.
""they're delicious,"" dad lied,
as he sampled the paltriest driblets.
"
"if you're pining to stash all your pelf
on a flashy designer-made shelf,
but the price is too high,
why not try diy?
you save cash if you do it yourself.
"
"an equation is 2nd to 0.
??x2 + 2y = 1
???c
??????= i ? b
my goodness, ain't algebra fun!
"
"the dnieper's a river that flows
out of russia. through kherson it goes,
as it shows on this map,
so to find it's a snap?
but pronounce the word? dnobody dnows!
"
"this demo i found on my desk
is superlative pop, beatlesque
in its harmonies and
its guitars?what a band!
it's a shame the lead singer's grotesque.
"
"a cetacean researcher once said,
""there's a bottle-nosed whale up ahead.
take a look at that d?gling?
his blowhole is gurgling.
why can't he use tissues instead?""
"
"the prospect of ending up dead
is something a lot of us dread.
but why all the fear?
you're clearly still here,
and possibly years lie ahead.
"
"i'm sorry if this is too strong,
but how didya get it so wrong?
yer never that dense?
ya got commonsense?
so don't be a drongo, ya nong.
"
"your trousers, once suitably baggy,
are sadly misshapen and saggy.
your out-of-date shirt
caused a fashion alert.
the conclusion will hurt, mate: you're daggy.
"
"a cutwater's either the edge
of a prow or the prominent wedge
on the pier of a bridge,
so that past either ridge
water flows?at a clip, i'd allege.
"
"how clement the weather is, darling!
how clear the sweet call of the starling!
how cloudless the skies!
what a joy to mine eyes!
tell me, what's given rise to thy snarling?
"
"""how i wish i were born as a panda,""
she pined, with bamboozling candour.
""life's simple, all right,
when it's all black-and-white.""
i'm suspecting chinese propaganda.
"
"beatlemania gave them a fright,
so a movie recorded their plight.
the soundtrack is teeming
with cause for the screaming:
it's hardly a hard day or night.
"
"brian's death burst their glorious bubble,
yet a double emerged from the rubble.
this more-than-alright album,
the beatles, or white album,
in hindsight was asking for trouble.
"
"what captures each student who delves
in the library's lesser-used shelves?
the weighty compactus
is what'll attract us?
or make us more compact ourselves.
"
"she's a safe and suburbanite stranger
to you, but i'd never exchange 'er.
stop dissing my missus
as cookies and kisses?
her byword in bed is still danger.
"
"no matter how widely i roam,
seeing blue gums reminds me of home.
they're the mightiest oaks
to tasmanian blokes:
our invaders of other folks' loam.
"
"salvador dal? would laugh
when the critics objected that half
of his work made no sense.
""it's intentional?hence
my new painting, the burning giraffe.""
"
"says pharaoh, as tears start to splatter,
""don't cry, o sphinx?what is the matter?""
""my head's from a ram!
as a sphinx, i'm a sham.
they can smile, while i bleat and i batter.""
"
"the cat wore a battered and faded
top hat with a ribbon he'd braided.
said pat, ""look at that!
there's a knot on that hat.""
yes, the hat on the cat was cockaded.
"
"when a rich bastard wants to insult yer,
he'll accuse you of having no culture.
""what a cultureless swine!""
this lord snooty will whine.
better cultureless, mate, than a vulture.
"
"your beaten-up skoda's a mess,
but its handy compressibleness
means that rather than wash it,
you simply could squash it?
the visual effect would be less.
"
"when an argument seems to be stinking,
and you look a bit closer, by linking
its theories to facts
to deduce what detracts
from its value, that's critical thinking.
"
"the bottom, or backside, or arse,
is a popular subject of farce.
many actors will find
they're surprised from behind
in performances lacking in class.
"
"an aussie bloke knows how to foight
'is opponents with all of 'is moight.
'e's dext'rous an' skilled
an' never gets killed;
you could say that 'e is adroit.
"
"my blog is a site that's been dogged
by each niggle and struggle that's clogged
up my chockablock brain;
every link looks germane,
so i blog 'em and end up befogged.
"
"the young dad doesn't know what to do.
with his gangstas, the converse is true:
give him pistol or knife,
and he'll handle all strife.
but when handed new life, not a clue.
"
"""my dear, though the chersonese near you
has an isthmus you seem to revere, you
should know?i'll convince you?
it's just a peninsu-
la."" ""la, la, la, la, i can't hearrr you!""
"
"in cambridge, the bridge the most fair
is the one at the college of clare.
the surfeit of balls
on its elegant walls
lends each crossing a may-week-ish air.
"
"""o brother of mine, have you heard?
they're apparently dropping a word
from the dictionary."" ""really?""
""yeah, credulous, clearly.
next, gullible's getting the bird.""
"
"""as a rigger, my fingertips tingle
when threading a line through a cringle.
those looped strands of rope
give a sailor fresh hope.""
""it's amazing to think you're still single.""
"
"to winkle a strand from a rope
wouldn't rankle a crewmember, nope.
but to wangle a crengle? a
task set by mengele.
most would abandon all hope.
"
"winona the millipede knew
the quinone she'd secreted on you
would dissuade you from eating her:
nothing was beating her
millipede kill-impede brew.
"
"with chromium shortages banning
the use of that metal in tanning,
the french, in the war,
were compelled to use more
benzoquinone than they had been planning.
"
"when a sheila is shapely and curvy,
it really seems cheeky and nervy
to ask for a dance,
but reserve means your chance
is remote to do anything pervy.
"
"""the other mollusca are duller
than cuttles,"" was how i would lull 'er
to sleep as i'd natter
of cephalopod chatter,
""'cos cuttlefish prattle in colour.""
"
"take this dish, and take aim at melissa...
try more to the left, or you'll miss 'er...
now, up a bit... no,
no, no, further... now, throw!
there, a custard pie, right in the kisser.
"
"mate, i reckon you're onto a winner?
all you need is to ease up on dinner.
she told me her kind
are the blokes she can't find...
you'll be harder to spot if you're thinner.
"
"the drugs you prescribed didn't work!
when i took them, my mind went berserk.
so were these even real? could
it be, doctor feelgood,
some little-known medical quirk?
"
"when there's nary a cloud in the sky
and the landscape is totally dry,
it's the furthest from wet
it can possibly get.
can't be britain, then. maybe dubai?
"
"i'm attempting to keep the tone civil,
but your argument's absolute drivel.
its content is worthless
and message is mirthless.
be seated on this, please, and swivel.
"
"he declared on his lengthy cv,
""i am doing my third phd.
merely one's not enough
of that doctoral stuff,
and two doctorates? no! i want three.""
"
"without enough water to drink,
we soon find it harder to think,
as our brains shrivel up.
so let's guzzle each cup,
lest our cortices rapidly shrink.
"
"i could tell from the way that he stunk
that my buddy was totally drunk.
""i 'ad only one bottle,""
he slurred, ""not a lot... 'll...""
and slid from his stool with a clunk.
"
"a disqualification (dq)
is what happens in boxing when you
have deliberately broken
the rules, like?no jokin'?
by biting an ear fully through.
"
"nick clegg, britain's leading lib dem,
has a nebulous role: dpm.
rest assured, nothing sinister:
he's deputy prime minister?
an important position. (ahem.)
"
"kampuchea, the land of pol pot,
though it claimed to be, really was not
in the least ""democratic"".
dk's chief fanatic
killed millions; most starved or were shot.
"
"it's more than the sound of a schwa?
though not as robust as ""aha!""?
and often expressed
at the sight of a breast
when a lip-licking infant says, ""ahhhhh!""
"
"i reckoned, as soon as i read it,
your limerick required an edit.
the metre is wrong,
half the lines are too long,
and the joke isn't strong. there, i said it.
"
"as you eke out a living, be sure
to retrieve grains of rice from the floor,
as well as half-chewed
bits of thrown-away food,
as you never know when there'll be more.
"
"when a button is labelled ""eject"",
the behaviour you're led to expect
is it spits out your tape,
not a screech and a scrape
as the thing ends up eaten and wrecked.
"
"me and my self-obsessed ego:
wherever my words go, there we go.
via limericks, he preens,
as we light up your screens
from las vegas to darkest oswego.
"
"a deck prism introduced light
to the parts of a ship out of sight.
this cut-glass device
made a cabin look nice,
but it couldn't suffice in the night.
"
"take agammaglobulinemia:
there isn't a malady dreamier.
one's blood is without
antibodies, no doubt,
but it beats getting bloody leukemia.
"
"so you reckon you're really an aussie?
well tell me, true blue, what's a cossie?
doncha come the raw prawn!
whenya think i was born?
next you'll tell me yer budgie's a mozzie!
"
"look, why don't you take a bo-peep
at the shed, where the shivering sheep
have been shorn of their wool?
maybe three whole bags full?
and are so bloody cold they've lost sleep.
"
"all those jocular hairdressers try
to concoct punning business names: why,
i've seen ""colour affair"",
""doctor hue"" and ""fresh hair"".
how i wish they'd just curl up and dye.
"
"if you're after a verse on the duck,
our old web-footed pal, you're in luck.
yes, this limerick reveals
not just mallards and teals,
but the... sorry, no room left. you're stuck.
"
"in the eighties, we worshipped john hughes,
""choose life"" t-shirts, those velcro-tab shoes,
new romantics, e.t.,
and the brand-new pc
with a whole 16k you could use.
"
"subjecting a text to critique
means pointing out which parts are weak?
overall or one line?
and which parts are fine.
this punchline could do with a tweak.
"
"these emperors tower over all
where the blizzards relentlessly squall.
in the bleak august night,
male penguins sit tight
on their eggs, heeding fatherhood's call.
"
"we excel at emission of gas,
and engage in it daily, en masse,
spewing dangerous fumes
in voluminous plumes
from our cars and our chimneys. alas!
"
"to judge by our carbon emissions,
it seems that our only ambition's
to burn all the oil
and coal in the soil
and weather the climate conditions.
"
"imagine the shock you would feel
to find you're the wrong kind of eel:
surrounded by jelly
in some geezer's belly,
and not even charged for the meal.
"
"ask a scotsman with tartany hat
'bout the noumbers, and where tae start at,
and he'll say (for a bevvie
of belhaven heavy),
""och, ane is the one fer a' that.""
"
"though maintaining a boastful exterior,
we fear others are largely superior.
the cultural cringe
is the name for our whinge
that australian life is inferior.
"
"her eyes simply sparkle with glee
when she tells of her exploits. if she
strikes it lucky, she shrieks
with excitement for weeks.
her ebullience sure betters me.
"
"your candies are ""sweets"", as we say
in playgrounds throughout the uk.
whether candies or sweets,
these confectioners' treats
are a neat source of dental decay.
"
"your birthplace is where you were born.
in youth, you may say that you scorn
all its foibles and flaws
and abandon its shores,
but in age, that may leave you forlorn.
"
"if you're stuck for an altar, for starters,
try a table or box; even smarter's
this slab made of stone,
which contains an old bone
or like relic from one of your martyrs.
"
"days advesperate?turn into night?
as fair hesperus comes into sight,
and in rome, during prayers,
girls ascend spanish stairs
and the boys on their vespas take flight.
"
"i enjoy macho stand-ins, but when
i saw ringers, i soon thought again.
the heroine's double
had twice as much stubble
as both of the film's leading men.
"
"sacr? bleu, monsieur edgar degas,
what a difficult figure you are!
your artworks were great,
but irrational hate
cut across your old age like a scar.
"
"""wearing nothing at all makes you nude,
and to do so in public is rude.
claiming neither is true
is the wrong thing to do!""
i can't stand his declarative mood.
"
"any action we take using bits
is the province of cyberlaw. it's
what controls, if not neuters,
our use of computers
to freely download all the hits.
"
"this base that we chaps call a drome,
with its runways and cross-sectioned dome,
is the place where we store
sopwith camels before
every dogfight: our aeroplanes' home.
"
"he dragged himself onto the sand,
feeling thankful for reaching dry land.
""now, find shelter? should do so,""
thought robinson crusoe.
""let's see who can give me a hand.""
"
"when there's minimal moisture inside,
then a foodstuff is said to be dried,
like this strip of beef jerky.
if christmas's turkey
should turn out the same, woe betide!
"
"pretty girls, whose enchanting ""come hither""
enticements send boys yon and thither,
find none of that lasts.
those who charmed in their pasts,
in decrepitude, find that they wither.
"
"the clever are faced with a choice:
to gather their thoughts or their voice.
to be intellectual
is rarely effectual;
if you've been effective, rejoice.
"
"when our captains of industry fall,
debts are massive and savings are small,
when prime ministers lose
and the pound's in the news,
the economy looms above all.
"
"polynesians' canoes were terrific
at crossing the mighty pacific.
this bare, remote joint
was their easternmost point:
easter island, to be moai specific.
"
"ellipses can indicate pauses
for thought, the omission of clauses
or words, trailing off
at the end, or... (don't scoff.
indecision is one of their causes.)
"
"the increasingly adamant king
said, ""i wish thee to dance and to sing.
both thy feet and thy voice,
master jester?no choice.
it isn't an either-or thing.""
"
"some amraphel bloke in a crown
had it in for his neighbouring town:
reckoned people in sodom
were ""creepy, so sod 'em,""
and slaughtered 'em, with their pants down.
"
"a bus ticket gets you a ride
on an omnibus. once you're inside,
find a comfortable seat,
but don't put up your feet:
that's just one of the pleasures denied.
"
"as a boy, i had only a brother,
so the girl i've known best is your mother;
but life has now taught her
that having a daughter
means sharing my heart with another.
"
"""pass the pepper, dear."" grandpa said, ""eh?""
grandma turned to him: ""what did you say?""
""beg yours?"" he replied.
""speak up!"" grandma cried.
married fifty-eight years to the day.
"
"move closer, dear, will you, because
your aunt's eyesight is not what it was.
let me look at those shoes.
always red ones you choose!
my dear dorothy, this isn't oz.
"
"the eurozone (shorthand: ez)
is a region investors have fled.
once it bustled, and trusted
its banks. now they're busted,
with state after state in the red.
"
"when it comes to mistake-making, there're
all manner of causes for error:
impossible missions;
misguided ambitions;
incompetence; slothfulness; terror.
"
"etymologists, we, as we try
to define any word that we spy.
and we do it in rhyme!
people ask all the time
why we do. a rare few can tell why.
"
"the epigram suffers, in verse
or a sentence, the satirist's curse:
you can sometimes be thought
one whose substance falls short
if your points are not prolix, but terse.
"
"many forebears of mammals today
first became in the family way
in the eocene epoch.
they flourished, you see, doc,
when warmth kept the ice-caps at bay.
"
"good heavens! my terrible niece
is wearing a dress that's cerise!
pink-red can't be seen
in a setting that's green!
quick, call the aesthetic police.
"
"the english: a diffident race,
who display, on the whole, not a trace
of imperial pride,
nor a stubborn divide
between classes. (says he, with straight face.)
"
"he loves keyboards and moogs a whole heap.
any synth-less song sends him to sleep.
he adores electronica.
just sample his moniker:
dj digital, lord of the bleep.
"
"we are gods when our children are three.
when they're ten, we're the top of their tree.
but once they're fourteen,
they'd prefer us unseen:
""mum and dad, you're embarrassing me!""
"
"whole suburbs lie drowned in the mud,
foreshores covered in rubbish and crud.
when the river here peaks,
what destruction it wreaks...
queensland's capital, brisbane, in flood.
"
"the dough-faced apprentice's head
resembled the stuff that makes bread.
""you're the helper i need,""
said the baker. ""agreed?""
""i can rise to the job,"" the lad said.
"
"they're convicts, poor blokes, and it's plain
that their sentence is causin' 'em pain.
the reason they're screamin's
they're bound for van diemen's
land, never to leave it again.
"
"a strippergram? not for a vicar?
the strain is too much for his ticker.
gorillagram? no?
too darwinian, bro.
but a christogram?that one's the kicker.
"
"the beautiful village of caux
is a place where the peacemakers gaux.
around it is switzerland:
mountainous bits o' land
covered in powdery snaux.
"
"it's terrible, rugged and wild,
and rural, domestic and mild.
if i have to explain, ya
should visit tasmania,
the island i loved as a child.
"
"the singer yelled, ""hey, man, that's wack!""
as his mellowness started to crack.
""brother, don't blow your cool,""
said his manager, ""you'll...""
""five percent? man, i'm blowing my stack!""
"
"there once was a priest from st. cloud
whose homilies started too loud,
but because of their length
they diminished in strength,
as he lost both his voice and his crowd.
"
"in edinburgh, folk at a ceilidh
play bagpipes and fiddles, sing gaily,
and dance through the night.
(a less usual sight
is a scotsman who plays ukulele.)
"
"bhp: an australian giant
on the stock exchange. scores are reliant
on its mining for ore
in the desert; far more
than just aussies?japan's a big client.
"
"for a couple of years, d&amp;d
was no game, but a calling for me:
rolling dice with ten sides,
reading handbooks and guides,
and dispatching a kobold or three.
"
"why explore london's docklands by car?
you could go by, instead, dlr,
and be travelling light
until late in the night.
rail's superior, guv'nor, by far.
"
"given all that the name represents
(more enticing than shillings and pence?
far less baggage, you see),
many countries agree:
calling currencies dollars makes sense.
"
"""your level one dwarf rolls a six,
and his axe chops the door into sticks.""
""and now?we attack!""
""you've been stabbed in the back.""
""hey, dm, what's your game with these tricks?""
"
"the dollar's a currency unit.
ascetics and hermits impugn it,
but others embrace it.
we love it, let's face it.
let roses and daisies festoon it!
"
"there are so many works by brancusi
that choosing is making me woozy?
his refined bird in space
is a picture of grace,
and that polished bronze head is a doozy.
"
"does a dodo have doeskin? oh, no.
no, he doesn't. that skin's from a doe.
no, a dodo has feathers,
not smooth, supple leathers?
or did when he lived, long ago.
"
"what's that metal thing, knobbly and squat?
""ex?ter?min?ate!"" aaaargh, i've been shot!
now my body's dissolved.
there's the mystery solved:
it's a dalek. who could have forgot?
"
"spinning records did not, as a rule,
win me nods of approval at school,
but now manning the decks
earns me oodles of sex,
because superstar djs are cool.
"
"procreation, dear readers, is rife
with all manner of trouble and strife.
in the midst of each cell
sits the ladder to hell:
dna is the spiral of life.
"
"the doctor replaces his faces
on a semi-occasional basis.
as a timelord, he tries
to prevent the demise
of the universe (where time and space is).
"
"if you fancy a comedy binge,
why not come to the edinburgh fringe?
it has thousands of shows,
and at least some of those
have performers who won't make you cringe.
"
"in britain, the letters f.c.
stand for football club (soccer): e.g.,
aston villa or reading.
if you're thinking of heading...
i bet you're a club devotee.
"
"if you fancy yourself as a fauve,
dab a canvas with red, yellow, mauve,
move to somewhere in france,
paint a whirling-round dance,
and you're henri matisse now, by jove.
"
"for anyone aussie who works,
keep an eye on the number of perks
you're provided for ""free"":
you'll incur fbt
on those company mazdas and mercs.
"
"on the waterfront, owners were greedy
for freighters whose loading was speedy.
what made longshoremen know
they'd been going too slow?
coulda been a container ship, edie.
"
"tony abbott, once called the ""mad monk""
by aussies who reckoned he stunk,
has become our prime minister,
an outcome so sinister
we're sitting around in a funk.
"
"the mythical country of faerie
sounds charming, but principally scary:
here magic folk dwell,
and here fairy-tales tell
of enchantments which snare the unwary.
"
"he's developed a bad case of gout,
thanks to overconsumption of stout.
on the other hand, though,
he's the new ceo
now of guinness. it all evens out.
"
"in old books, authors shook off the fetter
of zed: they knew calling the letter
either ezod or izzard
would conjure a wizard
or lizard or blizzard up better.
"
"many camcorders capture dv,
on a hard disk or cards like sd.
your recordings of bridget'll
linger on digital
video; no-one'll see.
"
"my uncle, throughout his maturity,
was proud of his welfare-state purity.
he wore nothing unless
it was stamped dss?
his deportment brought social security.
"
"the doctor had scribbled: ""dx:
a neurotic obsession with sex.""
the prescription he wrote
at the foot of the note:
""a lie down, cup of tea and a bex.""
"
"departmental rebranding is why
bis has replaced dti.
""innovation and skills""
offers businesslike thrills;
""trade and industry"" sounded too dry.
"
"the trouble with digital zoom
is it doctors the details: that room
may look bigger to me
when i shoot with dz,
but i can't tell what's what or who's whom.
"
"as the day slowly draws to a close
and your waking hours dwindle, suppose
what the evening may bring:
one enchanting last thing,
to diminish to dreams as you doze.
"
"now that everyone's using a kindle,
publication on paper will dwindle.
but will book prices fall?
or will publishers all
lock us up in a drm swindle?
"
"first pictures and trinkets and plaster,
then masonry, faster and faster,
shook madly and tumbled,
as everything rumbled
in christchurch's second disaster.
"
"in christchurch, the south island city,
the churches looked ever so pretty,
until a big quake
gave 'em all a good shake
and a bunch tumbled down. such a pity.
"
"diogenes syndrome's a mess
of domestic defilement and less
than exemplary hygiene,
miss brodie; that's why, jean,
we're carting off all you possess.
"
"the stewardess came to me, crying:
""the captain's collapsed! he is dying!""
i thought, ""this is my hour,""
and i called up the tower.
""quick, give me a crash course in flying.""
"
"watered steel of damascus, folks crow,
made swords that could cleave with one blow.
blades with edges so keen,
they could excise a spleen,
and the victim might not even know.
"
"i lean back, tugging down on my cap.
then i leisurely start in to dap,
placing bait in real slow
without making a show.
now who needs all that fly-casting crap?
"
"i've no fear of a ghost at a haunting.
to any man's face, i'd keep taunting.
so there's risk? i still dare.
for my safety, no care.
but say ""no"" to my wife? far too daunting.
"
"though my friends' routine workouts are praised
for the heights to which fitness is raised,
they will never praise me,
as they point out with glee,
because my daily dozen are glazed.
"
"in its heyday, the workers would gripe
'bout the linotype's hot-molded type.
this machine was the way
to set type in its day,
but now cold type gets all of the hype.
"
"he sang to his love in a ballad
the reasons he felt were most valid
for a roll in the hay.
but she yawned and said, ""nay,
for your balladry, sire, is too pallid.""
"
"there once was a woman named dante
whose skirts were incredibly scante.
she would wear her bandeau
unbelievably leau
to eclipse any glimpse of her pante.
"
"if you deaden the sound in an amp,
or you lessen the force of a clamp,
find bad gas in a mine,
or feel moisture that's fine:
you have manifestations of damp.
"
"in some walks of life it is handy
to dress well and look like eye candy.
it may get you ahead
to appear so well-bred,
though some folks might call you a dandy.
"
"in citations, most page ranges go
from a start point to end point (as so:
1?3). ""1ff.""
means there's still a lot lef',
which the pages that follow will show.
"
"if a train trip's your personal heaven,
come to paddington, six past eleven,
platform 3, carriage b,
and prepare to go ""squee!"":
first great western will take you to devon!
"
"since the moment we learnt to make fire,
the flames have leapt higher and higher.
now they light up the night
as we burn all in sight,
the earth scorched by the torch of desire.
"
"for him magazine (fhm),
uk women know, isn't for them.
the british man's lifestyle
contrasts with his wife's style:
there's rather more ogling. (ahem.)
"
"if your friends are all fellows for whom
catching up involves dwelling on doom,
don't just sit there and fume:
get some stuff that goes boom!
an explosive will scatter the gloom.
"
"we're on skaro; the daleks are near.
then the doctor says, ""quick! disappear!""
in a panic, i try,
but hear one of them cry:
""she's ex-tog-en-ous?is-n't from here.""
"
"different crate sizes used to constrain a port
in turnover terms. a containerport
has a standard container
for ships?a no-brainer.
and that, friends, is how you explain a port.
"
"ahhh, how we loved it at school
when we'd find us some gullible tool,
then take him aside,
say ""yer shoes are untied!""
and the moment he looked: ""april fool!""
"
"most viewers of tv athleticism
like practising low-key propheticism:
predicting who'll win
or who'll wallop their shin;
but i'm into body aestheticism.
"
"in the darkness, i'm frightened to hear
that a night-time intruder is near.
i'm awake in my bed,
simply quaking with dread.
i would rather be dead, have no fear.
"
"eurasia's divided in two
by the wide dardanelles, which cuts through
where the brits battled turks,
and attacked turkish works,
but the brits, in defeat, all withdrew.
"
"said the baker, ""this bread's marked 'day-old'
but it's stale and it's covered in mold.
yet my customers leap
'cause i offer it cheap?
they just meld in the mold in a fold.""
"
"said my doctor, ""take some of this dap-
sone. there's leprosy now in your lap.
do not touch where you pee
since it might?believe me?
break right off. it just did? you poor sap!""
"
"told the cop that i wasn't ed cook.
it's not me in the day book ? just look!
(but my chances are scant,
though i rave and i rant.
dna will soon prove me the crook.)
"
"an attorney in criminal law
might have clients that others deplore.
by defending their crime
he could get them less time,
while the victims cry out for much more.
"
"an attorney in criminal law
might have clients that all may deplore.
defending their crime
could get them less time,
while their victims cry out for much more.
"
"in the dirt under damaraland,
little mole rats will dig through the sand.
there they work in a ""hive""
where, like bees, they all thrive,
with their queen giving birth on demand.
"
"i attempted to toss in the trash
some old rags from my wife's linen stash.
but she reached in the sack
and snatched all the cloth back:
""they're not rags; they're not used; they're called crash.""
"
"""do you come,"" said the roman, ""from thracia?
i could swear that we've met but can't placia.""
""thracia's long gone bye-bye.
are you blind?"" said the guy.
""for i'm glaccus ? your brother ? from dacia.""
"
"down the highway you rapidly glide,
as the crankshaft helps power your ride.
and to make the shaft stay
in its place under way,
there's a crankcase which  holds it inside.
"
"all know helen, who gave paris joy,
whisked away by the greeks' fair-haired boy.
but where would they be
if it wasn't for me?
for i'm dardanus, founder of troy.
"
"go  out quickly, and charge at the net,
or be patient while winning your set.
and if your tennis scheme
proves supreme for your team
it's the davis cup trophy they'll get.
"
"the critics shout, ""cease and desist!""
they insist all my art be dismissed.
they have called me ""a dauber,""
""a wealthy fool's robber,""
but i sell for a million, at list.
"
"where chief keokuk signed off with scott,
he said, ""now, build a house on this spot
where the two of us stand
or you'll forfeit the land.""
but then davenport took back the plot.
"
"""it's my dandie! my dinmont!"" she said.
""my new terrier under my bed!""
while she's now filled with joy
at the gift of  her boy,
soon the cleaning-up-after she'll dread.
"
"""let us screw on the davenport, sport,""
she beguiled me, but then we were caught.
her dad laid down the law
with the choices he saw:
""wedding now, or your weenie cut short.""
"
"in the great war, the dawn patrol flew
as the sun was just rising to view.
they would charge up their guns,
keep their eye out for huns,
in the hopes they could shoot one or two.
"
"my mottled gray horse (that's a dapple)
rejected my withered old apple.
i was shocked when she said,
""though i'm no mr. ed,
my diction's much clearer with snapple.""
"
"i was steadily driving ahead
when my wife yelled, ""that traffic light's red!""
daltonism makes me
mix up colors, you see,
so a stop light's a signal to dread.
"
"there are some people slower than slow;
at a snail's pace they move to and fro.
it's their calm creep and crawl
that is making us bawl
for they dawdle wherever they go.
"
"it is far to the faroes, i fear;
only iceland and shetland are near.
oblivious sheep'll
be mostly what people
run into when travelling here.
"
"would you like more dessert, or more wine?
help yourself to a chocolate?it's fine.
but don't pull a fast one
by taking the last one.
i'm onto your tricks, son?that's mine.
"
"his wife called him near-paralytic;
his mum and his dad, parasitic;
his sister, a git;
his vicar, a twit.
he brings out the worst in a critic.
"
"takin' care o' me 'orrible teef
brings me dentist a fair bit o' grief.
i imagine he's greetin'
his fdi meetin'
wiv sumfin' approachin' relief.
"
"abreact can become cabaret:
it's an anagram, word experts say,
like  tardier/tarried,
admirer and married.
go get your pen,  young protege!
"
"the supposed first tools made of stone
were some roughly chipped flints. these alone
named an age eolithic.
we now think it's mythic.
they're natural rocks, it's been shown.
"
"acanthopterygii fishes
are good in all kinds of fish dishes.
their fins are quite spiny,
they're ever so briny,
and many are, frankly, delicious.
"
"in the frosty siberian ground,
a denisovan pinky was found.
its genes have revealed
the truth it concealed:
descendants, still roaming around.
"
"a popular pastime of aussies
is splashing about in their cossies
at beaches and pools.
improvident fools!
bare skin is a magnet for mozzies.
"
"how the euro seemed shiny and new
at the dawn of 2002!
has its currency passed?
set your flags at half-mast,
as our leaders don't know what to do.
"
"this baggageman's my kind of dud.
he dragged my trunk out through the mud,
then complained at its weight,
its odiferous state,
and never once mentioned the blood.
"
"the balusters hold up the rail
on a staircase ? we hope they won't fail.
should they break and you're falling
set your mind on recalling
at trial: did you land head or tail?
"
"in a speech said the prez, fdr,
that those dastardly japs went too far.
their outrageous attack
was a stab in the back.
now they'll learn what great fighters we are.
"
"my dandie's a really good scrapper.
catching rats? there is no better trapper.
but he eats like a pig,
which makes him a big
and, undoubtedly, champion crapper.
"
"charles darwin's concern for creation
raised questions 'bout life's propagation.
on the beagle he signed,
and then sailed off to find
just how nature evolved speciation.
"
"in canada, far from the sea,
live an indian tribe called the cree.
if you call one a creek,
he will grimace and speak,
saying, ""if you see 'k', that's not me.""
"
"the dark continent, stanley once said,
was a place to be entered with dread.
the bravest explorer
looked on it in horror
in knowing he might come back dead.
"
"a crisper keeps vegetables cold
and as fresh as the day they were  sold.
but if you should lose track,
then those hidden in back
will taste best once you scrape off the mold.
"
"in the course of a long boozing bash,
i picked up a woman, for cash.
but at sex, what a stinker!
that broad was a clinker?
which we know is a hard piece of ash.
"
"while i listen to brenda extoll
working out and its life-changing role,
i will just nod my head
and lie back in my bed:
to crap out is my primary goal.
"
"you were caught on the davenport, sport,
and my husband cut your sex act short.
but for this i can vouch:
we got caught on that couch
when her daddy and i used to court.
"
"joe the farmer's extremely forlorn
as he watches his fields being shorn.
a pest european
is what he is seein'
as corn borers chew through his corn.
"
"when i can't lose but do, in a rout,
my retreat from a fight leaves no doubt
that when things need real nerve,
i fall short of the verve ?
so when push comes to shove, i'll crap out.
"
"this bed's just  too cold. i can't hack it.
on the roof, reindeer hooves make a racket.
i hope santa will leave
the best gift i conceive
at the moment:  a nice warm bed jacket.
"
"bullet-ridden, it seems an old rag,
with hurt stitching that's making it sag.
but it flew proud and strong
at the front of our throng,
leading us into battle, our flag.
"
"once unknown within history's pages
was the period called the dark ages.
petrarch claimed he could mark
the years bounding this dark,
but his dark mark was ruled out by sages.
"
"mr. bailsman, my boyfriend's in jail
since policemen were hot on his trail.
the judge says he can go,
if you front him some dough,
and this time he won't jump his bail.
"
"when you drive, if you want to be cool,
use an antiknock gas as your fuel.
it keeps engines quiet
so buy it and try it?
less bang for the buck is the rule.
"
"i'm his third caught bail jumper today
and the judge put the first two away.
that damn bounty man's dog
tracked me under a log?
what? ""recog""? hey, this judge is ok!
"
"a limerick should be lots of fun
and it should be artistically done,
with shakespearean words
to impress wordcraft nerds,
while an ogden nash pun ends its run.
"
"i'm the guard that you pass in your bank
and my uniform says i'm first rank.
but i'm nowhere near bold
since i'm eighty years old
and my bullets are clearly marked ""blank.""
"
"your phlegm, sir, will flow once my fleam
has vented your vein. hold your scream!
yes, that pulsing red jet
is your blood. i regret
i've provoked such a copious stream.
"
"""the house walls won't hold. they'll let go,""
said a gingerbread builder named beau.
he cut grooves (like in wood),
and the walls stood for good
thanks to baker beau's dadoes in dough.
"
"used in all sorts of guns, big and small,
there's a cartridge the armies call ""ball.""
but the name must be wrong
since it's narrow and long
and the bullet's not ball-shaped at all.
"
"when in italy, portugal, spain,
if it's healthy you hope to remain,
don't call someone dago
wherever you may go,
or else you might end up in pain.	
"
"coniacker (a term from old times)
meant a forger of quarters or dimes.
being jailed for a fake
was a chance he would take
for the profit he got from his crimes.
"
"archeologists wrestle with whether
back in corinth, when folks got together,
the populace stood,
sat on seats of bare wood,
or were eased by corinthian leather.
"
"as the crop-duster flies round and round
in his crop-duster, feet from the ground,
he sprays any evil
bug, gnat or boll weevil,
wherever these pests can be found.
"
"i'm an atheist. some find it odd
that this man, who lives life by the yard,
believes when he passes
he'll blend with earth's gasses
and will need no religion (thank god!).
"
"of the beasts listed in crocodylia,
it's the croc that's most likely to kylia.
when its space you encroach,
you won't see it approach!
and you won't like its bite, i'll bet, wylia?
"
"though el salvador now has moved on,
for some decades it used the col?n.
costa ricans still use
the ?. don't confuse
them with cents! ?una gran confusi?n!
"
"what does $ mean? why, it means ""peso""
down latin america way, so
when know-it-alls holler
""that symbol means 'dollar'!""
say, ""not so, se?or, 'cos i say so.""
"
"madagascar once used to use francs
for its businesses, budgets and banks.
this french-derived cash
du peuple malgache
should be shortened to fmg, thanks.
"
"it's a territory carved from the rump
of our ""premier"" state, 'cos some chump
thought that melbourne and sydney
would barney; but didn'e
know canberra would end up a dump?
"
"you could buy an fj once to suit
any aussie: sedan, van or ute.
of the cars made by holden,
this model's an old 'un;
them bodgie blokes thought it was beaut.
"
"epistemology: how do we know
what we know?  what's philosophy show?
for many at college,
such theories of knowledge
are ones they would rather forgo.
"
"if some lecherous bloke at a bar
starts to snigger out loud, ""fnarr fnarr,""
just what does he intend? oh,
some crude innuendo,
like, ""she'll have a large one."" har har.
"
"when the forecast was sunshine, it snowed.
a light drizzle? the dams overflowed.
now they say we're due drought,
and i can't figure out:
what does this doubtful statement forebode?
"
"when a takeaway offers you flake,
it's no choccie deep-fried by mistake.
if yer still in the dark,
it's the aussie for shark,
served with chips and a coke or a shake.
"
"the amendments each congressman cites
are enshrined in the famed bill of rights:
to preserve a free press,
enjoy legal redress,
and bear arms (to be ready for fights).
"
"the old year is now down the drain,
and the holidays drove me insane.
at our festivus meal
i made relatives feel
feats of strength, and my right to complain.
"
"my mind is a mass of confusions.
are there beings with painful contusions?
did i dream that i shot
aliens splurking, ""we're not
warlike martians ? we're friendly venusians""?
"
"a butt-toot in church isn't good.
it's an accident: that's understood.
not haphazard with bob,
who enjoys playing hob
with his cannon-blasts slapping on wood.
"
"i'm reserved and discreet, to be sure,
so i'll always give bread to the poor
anonymously.
your eponymously
driven flackery i shall abjure.
"
"if you ring on count dracula's dorbel
you'll encounter a sight you'll find horbel.
for vampirical proof,
aim your gaze at the roof ?
that's the count, bat-like, hung on the corbel.
"
"a dangler who swung 'neath the top
feared little the fifty-foot drop,
saying, ""if i should fall,
i have no doubt at all
the ring's sawdust will cushion my stop.""
"
"put to paper in '76,
as our young nation reeled, in a fix,
it's the crisis they read;
ne'er a plea better-said:
every man pick his side in the mix.
"
"the coach said my kid has to quit
since he drops every baseball that's hit.
there's no way he can play
until i find a way
to obtain a corbiculate mitt.
"
"when my beagle went into a hole,
i thought he'd emerge with a mole.
but my scent-sniffing hound
then pulled out of the ground
a most terrible-tempered old troll.
"
"a professor of pedigree, he
provides the brown campus with glee.
he explores the dynamics
of psycho-ceramics ?
the study of crackpots, you see.
"
"of a buxom young girl named louise
it was said, ""she is just the bee's knees.""
her face fills me with languor,
'cause she's gone to bangor?
oh, how i do miss my maine squeeze.
"
"every time that i get in a game
my poor outcome is always the same.
while my bet's in the pot,
my crap cards show i'm not.
i'm dead money: my game and my name.
"
"a chirographist, expert was i,
with my handwriting praised to the sky.
my skilled hand was an art
and it set me apart?
now computer fonts beat me, first try.
"
"in a crate, put worst goods at the bottom
where the gullible won't know you got 'em.
to deacon, we're told,
is a lie that's so bold
it's a good bet most people won't spot 'em.
"
"s??g?i ?h?lp? said, ""this really is fun. gee!
to walk on the moon. it's not spongy.""
but his communist bosses
stop cosmonaut losses
with a cord tied to earth... yes, a bungee!
"
"an invention has managed to spare
you the pain in your bottom, i swear,
if you purchase a seat,
anesthesia-complete,
in the very first novo-caned chair.
"
"said the pharaoh, addressing the sphinx:
""you're a real screwed-up idol, methinx.
your creator was tryin'
to meld ram with lion,
but as a designer, he stinx.""
"
"if a stock fails to rise to your plan
and goes into the toilet bowl, man,
you'd be wise to then pounce
on the first dead cat bounce
and sell it as quick as you can.
"
"once a day letter 'gram seemed quite cheap,
while a telegram's price was quite steep.
still, a day letter's speed
had been known to exceed
the slow pace of a sluggish snail's creep.
"
"by my sea skills, i've figured how far
we have sailed, and know just where we are.
my dead reckoning shows,
although nobody knows,
we're in sand dunes in central qatar.
"
"in a bank failure, all of the pay
put aside there for some rainy day
could  be gone in a flash,
leaving us with no cash,
while the bank prez is stealing away.
"
"some crooks rigged a race at the meet,
and their payoff was sure to be sweet.
but each jockey held fire
till they all reached the wire.
""it's a tie,"" the judge said. ""a dead heat!""
"
"as the ocean waves build up and twirl,
the underside's known as the curl.
but the ocean curl's not
wet as curls on a spot
on the wettest wave yet: that's my girl.
"
"in the heat, when kids' spirits were flaggin',
dad stuffed coolers inside his ""green dragon"";
loaded us, then we'd roar
down the road to the shore
in our '52 ford-made beach wagon.
"
"""that's a sub to the port side. there, jim!
i intend to bear down upon him.
quick. full speed at his boat!
aim us straight down his throat
so his chance for survival is slim.""
"
"i spent days sculpting baskets with pride
to adorn your new building's front side.
now you say i'm to blame
since it seems that your aim
was my corbeils should harm someone's hide?
"
"the bank job my friend pulled has netted
ten million, and now i'm beset, ted,
as the cops' fingers fly,
point to me as the guy
who was not at the scene, but abetted.
"
"i'm detective columbo, you know,
from my long-running mystery show.
to the crooks, i, perplexed,
make a query: ""i'm vexed?
in which socket does my glass eye go?""
"
"my candlepin ball went astray;
left the one, two, and eight still in play.
so to win this last game
i took real careful aim ?
hit the dead wood. it's just not my day.
"
"a cringle is found on a sail.
it's a loop where you pass a rope's tail.
then this rope you adjust
for the boat's forward thrust
as determined by beaufort (the scale).
"
"de chirico's colour and line
were intense; his determined design
was to paint the surreal-
ness of turin. most feel
the results are declaredly fine.
"
"your fervent belief in the rapture
has, sadly for everyone, sapped your
desire to care
about what's in the air:
all the carbon we now need to capture.
"
"to reject all the evidence strains
all credulity; still, some take pains
to discount what we know
(""how's it warming? there's snow!"")
about climate. denialism reigns.
"
"eschatology? heaven forfend.
although, seeing you study the end,
do you reckon we'll fry,
or rise up to the sky?
either way, there's a worrying trend.
"
"two and two, when they're added, give four.
try them multiplied: ""blimey!"" you roar,
""the answers are equal!""
but wait, mark the sequel:
only zero works also. no more.
"
"europeans call europe their base,
but their forebears engaged in a race
to displace many others.
colonial brothers
at times brought the label disgrace.
"
"eventually, this will all end.
how you cope with that thought will depend
on your outlook, and how
soon it happens from now.
make the most of this limerick, my friend.
"
"my ewer's accrued many ewes
on its surface; i choose to peruse
ovine feminine stencils
on vase-shaped utensils,
like pitchers i use to hold booze.
"
"a lady one day, feeling bored,
took a dip in a lake with her sword,
when along came a king.
""i'll be having that thing,""
he exclaimed, as he claimed his reward.
"
"though i fancied its polka-dot collar,
the price on the shirt made me holler.
too high! disproportionate!
excessive! extortionate!
i wouldn't buy that for a dollar.
"
"a cypriot mom (nicosia)
said a washing machine sure would free 'er
from washing the naps
used by all her small chaps?
but mostly the one who's a pee-er.
"
"a deadhead's a dolt or an ass;
or a worker who gets a free pass;
a mold's metal debris;
a log hid undersea;
or a rock fan who loves to smoke grass.
"
"as explosives savant, i assume
you'll deactivate bombs in my room.
i've a pipe bomb in there
so you'd better take care,
or you'll treat folks outside to a ""boom"".
"
"go sit down. calm yourself. don't get pushy.
there's no reason to work. this job's cushy.
set yourself in a chair
and act devil-may-care.
but prepare to get sores on your tushy.
"
"to gain freedom for all in our nation
we peasants must vent our frustration.
so you'd all better duck?
out the window we chuck
bad king chris in defen-splat-estration.
"
"the worst derelict i ever saw
was a bum, drool encrusting his jaw.
from his five-day-old beard
and that odor so weird,
i knew: ""yep, that's my brother-in-law.""
"
"that bigfoot's a beast (please be wary)
who's covered with fur and quite scary.
thought i'd glimpsed him, but then
when i looked once again,
saw my husband ? he's really more hairy.
"
"one day in the mountain town aspen,
i said to the girl i was graspin',
""you're moaning like sin,
yet i'm not even in.""
""this thin air is the reason i'm gaspin'.""
"
"ladies fart, but as everyone knows,
they presume that no evidence shows.
my girl can't know i saw
there's just one fatal flaw:
ankle-high, there's a bulge in her hose.
"
"there's my daughter and son-in-law kent
and my grandkids (they're all heaven-sent).
""seeing you makes us glad.
you're the world's greatest dad...""
""cut the crap. where the hell is my rent?""
"
"if your aim is to be the top guy,
there's a rule that you need to apply.
hitler said tell a whopper
'cause truth cannot stop 'er?
folks believe when you spread a big lie.
"
"you want to abandon the ship?
just because we hit ice? get a grip!
to leave it's unthinkable;
titanic's unsinkable ?
no iceberg will end this first trip.
"
"when  a dragon had threatened  his shire,
a nobleman tried to breathe fire,
bolting down kerosene,
candle wax and benzene.
'twas a sad situation ? seared sire.
"
"party's over?you know what i mean?
my house is in need of a clean.
there is clutter galore
on couch, table and floor ?
and people in poses obscene.
"
"a clam is a mouth or a jaw;
you can clam up (not say what you saw);
clams, as bucks, buy a gem;
clam's a gob of thick phlegm,
a vagina, an error, and more.
"
"were the danites a mormon excess
who got blamed for a god-awful mess?
did they start up a war
on a clay county shore?
church said, ""no,"" but opponents said, ""yes.""
"
"what are you? some kind of a crank?
examination to audit my bank?
all our cash is in care
of a man who's four-square:
bernie madoff, investor first rank.
"
"the wild hurricane winds made his ship
roll sideways in perilous tip,
with its beam-ends smashed through.
captain smith told his crew
to ""prepare for the end of this trip.""
"
"if there's one thing that makes shopping great,
it's to buy at a cheap, bargain rate,
with free goodies thrown in
and a good chance to win
a vacation for me and my mate.
"
"an arsonist christened his son
not with water but soldering gun.
he aroused his wife's ire
with ""baptism by fire""?
but that's how his business is run.
"
"when count dracula smacked the ball fat,
all fans heard was a squeak and a splat!
the desmodus he chose
when he hit for the ""hose""
was an unlucky vampire bat.
"
"by your actions, you made me perturbed,
and the sleep of our neighbors disturbed.
but, before we could fight,
they sprang out of the night
and made sure ill intentions were curbed.
"
"""i'm not guilty,"" said lizzie at trial.
""i was out in the barn all the while.
i am not a deceiver.""
made the jury believe her;
lived her days barely stifling a smile.
"
"the vets, about kitty, were heard:
""to save her, we'll shave her."" absurd!
first of all, she's too old
and it's also too cold,
so postpone it?de-furring's deferred.
"
"abduction! by whom? the solution:
their call suggests clear attribution.
joe was kidnapped. he's small,
yet they said he was tall,
so the gang must be all lilliputian.
"
"when, at sunset, the day starts to wane,
all the daytimer stations abstain
from sending their wattage
to my little cottage
since the fcc says to refrain.
"
"the rum runners snubbed the loud plea
from the coast guard to halt by the quay.
they had nothing to lose,
so they scuttled their booze
and thus sank it, deep-sixed, in the sea.
"
"as a spy, i received a defrayment,
which is money they gave me as payment
for my helping their cause.
but i earned no applause
when the feds taught me just what ""betray"" meant.
"
"a limerick can be fresh and sweet,
with beautiful pictures replete.
see love bloom per god's plan
between woman and man.
(overlook his hand rubbing her seat.)
"
"""dear john,"" the brief letter began.
""i'm in love with a wonderful man.
while i know you're at war,
please, my dear, don't be sore.
i love him and not you. your ex, dan.""
"
"a cramped canyon defile through walls tall
allowed butch and pal sundance to stall
in this venue austere.
once their pathway was clear,
they'd debouch from their hole-in-the-wall.
"
"""excuse me for looking askance
and for giving you more than a glance.
i must tell you, my dear,
you've a most lovely rear.""
""just butt out and stop ogling my pants.""
"
"i'm spending my time now resenting
a steel style my wife is inventing.
she keeps hitting a wall
with my car at the mall.
it's art to her. i call it ""denting.""
"
"a censor is one of the guys
whom all of  the writers despise.
when he edits the ""smut""
half their good stuff is cut?
and their chance for a pulitzer prize.
"
"to the castle. it's time for dethronement!
royal wickedness cries for atonement.
let the king know we're here.
what'd he say? there's free beer?
what the hell ? that's a cause for postponement.
"
"my declinature of my election
was made after honest reflection.
while i once was a red,
i'm white army, instead ?
so just chalk this one up to defection.
"
"i once slept with a girl i thought pure,
so religious and sweet and demure.
but this damn std
i know she gave to me
is an illness for which there's no cure.
"
"dermabrasion is fine, i suppose,
sanding skin from your head to your toes.
my wife jane saw a quack
(through the fence, round the back);
now she's missing one ear and her nose.
"
"since we live on the bank, no surprise,
our house, when the nearby streams rise,
bears the brunt of the flood
(fills with water and mud),
but we always clean up once it dries.
"
"paul gauguin said, ""my lovair won't cheat."" he
was naive ? she was tagged in graffiti.
she laid on the chap
his terminal clap;
now he's planted for good, thanks to sweetie.
"
"betsey williams, bequeathing her land
to the city, made by her dead hand
strict conditions of use
to prevent its abuse.
thus her will reinforced her demand.
"
"an aristocrat climbed brokeback mount
and suggested an act. his guide frownt.
""i've done things that i hate,
but i'm telling you, mate,
i will never go down for the count.""
"
"in england, at bletchley, they tried
to decipher dense codes. then they'd hide
their success when they could.
thus, the germans still would
think advantage remained on their side.
"
"my great-grandpa was not really happy
to excrete in the folds of a nappy,
so he'd wander about
until grandma would shout,
""who the hell's made my best rug all crappy?""
"
"every newspaperman in the east
calls me ""bigfoot,"" though i'm not that beast.
each new column i write
seems insightful and bright
and ensures that my rep is increased.
"
"how i wish the good lord would create
a woman who'd never be late.
this creature sublime
would be ready on time?
now and then even on the right date.
"
"said my doc, yanking hard, as i rose,
with his pliers latched on 'neath my nose:
""my best tools?it's the truth?
cannot pry loose your tooth.
it's deep-rooted, clear down to your toes.""
"
"the insurance i have is the worst?
no protection should anything burst.
when my roof blew away,
they declared, ""we won't pay!""
that's the whole #*!%@ reason i cursed.
"
"once a month i join critical mass
but i can't... keep up... i'm out of... gas.
i'm just too... out of shape...
and my shape... makes folks gape...
at a critical mass... my big ass.
"
"with your login and password (""gene tunney"")
i got into your bank. hey, that's funny.
i was in your account,
and i clicked on ""amount.""
but it said that you don't got no money.
"
"it's the gooney bird, grand dc-3
or the c-47, to me.
it flew over the hump
so supplies it would dump
where the allies could force japs to flee.
"
"an architect once would display
his plans the ""cyanotype"" way.
its white lines showing through
on a background of blue
were awaiting the builder's ok.
"
"if you use a medicinal tampon,
just which is the part it will clamp on?
later, if you feel pain
that makes you complain,
is it men that you blame the worst cramp on?
"
"an old prospector kept all his tools
inside croker sacks tied on his mules.
when i asked, ""why not ride?""
he replied, ""once i tried,
but the pick gouged my family jewels.""
"
"at a circus most faces wore frowns,
since there wasn't much joy on its grounds.
seems the circus lacked funny ?
it ran out of money.
to save cash, they defunded the clowns.
"
"my impression is that the recession
could be eased if they used some discretion.
slowly step down our tax
so we aren't charged the max,
and we'll spend what we save through degression.
"
"scatology's perfectly dismal;
the study of crap is abysmal.
this poo's turning my belly ?
my innards ? to jelly.
it's high time i seek pepto-bismol.
"
"though the old blue ridge mountains aren't high,
autumn's colors blaze bright to the eye.
verdant vistas through haze
never cease to amaze;
mountain sunsets can make lovers sigh.
"
"when this low daisy cutter comes fast
off the bat, i don't let it get past.
but my throw to first base
ends up somewhere in space.
now i'm goat of the ball game. dad-blast!
"
"over europe, the b-17
was regarded by pilots as queen
of the air everywhere;
they said none could compare?
the best bomber they ever had seen.
"
"mr. wooden-face, why don't you grin?
not a muscle moves, forehead to chin.
in your deadpan so bleak
an emotion i seek?
if you smiled, could you be errol flynn?
"
"say an accident leaves you in pain
but the other guy's broke, and that's plain.
get a lawyer (real shrewd)
who will sue some rich dude
and those well-stocked deep pockets you'll drain.
"
"once the bear state was arkansas's name.
the hot springs state? they're one and the same.
it's the razorback ? soo-ey!
it's named for jim bowie ?
picking nicknames, for them, seems a game.
"
"in the old days, not many years back,
fixing flats took a large bumper jack
which would lift with each stroke
while your back nearly broke.
used today, no doubt bumpers would crack.
"
"douglas corrigan left for l.a.
on a flight of just over one day.
but his flight plan was troublin';
he landed in dublin,
then claimed he had flown the wrong way.
"
"you defile a good woman in bed,
or a man by some lie that you've said.
you corrupt or pollute;
women think you're a brute,
yet it strangely enhances your cred.
"
"a prince had to kiss sleeping beauty.
he did so, some claim, out of duty.
but we all know the truth
for, egads and forsooth,
he's just after sweet beauty's booty.
"
"we must defecate, void, or excrete
miscellaneous foods that we eat.
to the toilet's deviser,
our thanks. someone wiser
invented the hole in the seat.
"
"so lorena once cut off his knob. it
no longer was found on john bobbitt.
they could stitch it back on
to the groin of poor john,
but the question was, ""where did she lob it?""
"
"the deadwood's downed pins on a lane
in candle-pin bowling in maine;
deadwood's someone whose loss
wouldn't make the boss cross,
and a town where gunslingers were slain.
"
"a cross action filed by their faction
is meant as a legal distraction
by those that we sued.
but i think it is rude
since they don't lie in bed, legs in traction.
"
"money's scarce, my adviser has said,
and to lose it is something i dread.
days, i keep it in sight
and, when sleeping at night,
it's all stuffed in my four-poster bed.
"
"oh, mom, while he finds my lips kissable,
and he wants to do things unpermissible,
i'm afraid he won't stay
if he does have his way.
is it likely i'd then be dismissible?
"
"azimuthal equidistant projection
plots a route, which on closer inspection,
will render straight shots
between two earthly spots
in a course with the shortest connection.
"
"now i'm out on my back in the grass
since my wife wasn't sleeping, alas.
first she let in the cat.
me, she slugged with a bat,
and then booted me out on my ass.
"
"the defensive zone's down by your goal
where you battle to cling to control.
let the other team score
even once (maybe more),
and you've put yourself into a hole.
"
"from your firm there's death benefits owed
on the life of my husband (that toad!).
i've no proof that he's dead
but my hitman just said
in an hour his shoes will explode.
"
"she was dressed in a paper disguise
at the party and caught the men's eyes.
but the costume she wore
seemed to catch a lot more
since the paper she used was for flies.
"
"you've had plenty of chances to pass,
but you tailgate and honk and harass.
now the brake light you view
says a stop's what i'll do,
so for god's sake don't run up my ass.
"
"the blue nile: at khartoum, you'll agree,
it combines with the white nile to be
the nile river of note
which would let pharaohs float
to the mediterranean sea.
"
"""please step to the side, mrs. stover.
i'm the best chef from portland to dover.
your debulliated soup
has been turned into goop.""
""my de-what? can't you say it boiled over?""
"
"that pole dancer din't cut the mustid
since her skinniness left us disgusted.
not stomachs but glances
now turn when she dances:
thanks to surgery, now she's re-busted.
"
"you'll see demagogy?all its extremes?
on fox news with its broadcasting teams.
those loud, braying asses
incite right-wing masses,
enthralled by their anti-left screams.
"
"my wife says a man of my means
should dress up for the most formal scenes.
but i'm never on view
at some dignified do,
since they won't let me in in my jeans.
"
"we've deciphered the code from the corps.
and the message reads: ""troops! send us more.
we are now in retreat
on the verge of defeat.""
it's that lack of clear facts i abhor.
"
"she bought gown, invitations, and wine;
rented hall; signed a band. church? divine.
still i wonder if she
really will marry me.
wish i'd see a confirmative sign.
"
"though their mien may make customers frown,
low-class slatterns keep costs way, way down.
if you want a cheap trick
in my place, take your pick.
for a harlot with class, go to town.
"
"since this big deadlocked door needs a key,
getting out could spell danger for me.
a keyed lock stops a crook,
but in flames i'll soon cook
if that key's not at hand when i flee.
"
"my kid's grade is approaching a-plus.
why's his teacher creating a fuss?
i'd be willing to bet
it's his syndrome (tourette)
that's to blame, since it's making him cuss.
"
"with a dentitht bill now i am thtuck
(that teeth-pulling ath ran amuck).
wonth i had a nithe grin;
now my thmile doth wear thin
thinth my denthures aren't jutht bad ? they thuck!
"
"from her office, there goes sarah palin
midst some off-the-wall whinin' and wailin',
but she gets in a snit
if you say she has quit
although everyone knows she is bailin'.
"
"the queen ant and her consorts can't wait
to use wings to take flight and then mate.
after joining their things,
all the ants shed their wings.
thus dealate describes their new state.
"
"first i cut up your leg, piece by piece,
then i wait for the bleeding to cease.
this anatomy class
is a pain in the ass
when you have to dismember your niece.
"
"said my wife, over breakfast, so sweetly,
""now, you know, hon, i trust you completely.
but to placate our daughter
i think that you oughter
meet up with your slut more discreetly.""
"
"when i joined the craft union as printer,
the pressman said, ""here's what we're inter.
we are printing this money.""
but the money was funny ?
at least prison's warm in the winter.
"
"after three. hope the wife is still sleepin'.
if i'm quiet, the hours i'm keepin'
she won't know at all.
i'm afraid i might fall,
'cause i'm too drunk to walk. i'll just creep in.
"
"my overweight buddy named matt
was run down by a trailer ? kersplat!
his survivors all waited
while his meat was cremated?
took two weeks to burn all his fat.
"
"said my doctor, ""now don't take a fright.
diabetes is causing your plight.
your blood glucose is high,
but you're not going to die
since we'll soon put that sugar to right.""
"
"i said, ""barb, hon, that's not a real barb.""
""it hurts. tweeze it out,"" came her sob.
""it's a barbule, a hook.
they're quite small. let me look.""
""i'm harpooned! now just please do your job.""
"
"i love to play chess. it's my joy,
but i just like to win. now, oh boy!
since the opening i use
is now certain to lose,
should i take back my moves, then deploy?
"
"when with corn on the cob they're supplied,
how to eat it, most folks must decide:
to ingest with a frown
biting up and aroun',
or consume in straight lines, side to side.
"
"while we all have the right now to vent
and complain to our own heart's content,
still you can't use your shout
to drown other folks out ?
that's mob rule, and not lawful dissent.
"
"on the tightrope, you had our attention.
and we gasped when you made your descension,
'cause you fell from your perch;
now you're left in the lurch,
since the circus won't grant you a pension.
"
"shop that discount chain? they'll sell you junk.
their low prices? ha! that's lots of bunk.
i can get your big screen
for the best price you've seen.
come outside. the best deal's in my trunk.
"
"bounty broker: i'm who you should see
for the cash offered each enlistee.
i can get you a bonus
and yet bear no onus ?
your desertion's no skin off of me.
"
"said miss lizzie, ""were i in your shoes
a broad hatchet is what i would use.
you can't count every whack
since you quickly lose track,
but it's fine for the job. you can't lose.""
"
"if you used a blue box, the ma bell
long-distance lines just could not tell
you were calling tahiti
to speak to your sweetie ?
in effect, telling ma ""go to hell.""
"
"the best reason i know not to smoke
is not cancer, which might make you croak,
but the way that the taxes
our government maxes
ensure, before death, that you're broke.
"
"once i loved a sweet girl name of iris
for whose body my thoughts were desirous.
but my juices soon turned off,
my libido was burned off
since her skin had the feel of papyrus.
"
"whoa! my brakes don't work. how can that be?
cool and calm, i must stay, yessiree.
now to stop this car quick,
what's the best path to pick?
i'll cool-headedly aim at that tree.
"
"while they're damp, i toss clothes in the dryer,
set the dial on high, then one higher.
they're all done when you choke
on the billowing smoke
and can't open the door ? too much fire.
"
"when  successful, you're called a big hitter,
since your product or company's fitter,
as darwin once said,
and you've pulled out ahead
of the field by not being a quitter.
"
"said the prez, ""here's the land where you'll stay.
and for hunting, use this right-of-way
called the cherokee strip
as a guide for your trip:
yours forever (at least for today).""
"
"""but i'm the decider...,"" george said,
as he's master of all, in his head.
though we sought someone who
we thought knew what to do,
his decisions just filled us with dread.
"
"in the winter, the chill is profound
round that dubious snow-covered mound.
and we ask if, first thing,
when it melts in the spring,
will the corpse of our mailman be found?
"
"in the deep sea, a diver named frank
guffawed louder the further he sank.
shrieks of joy he would pass
since he mixed laughing gas
with the oxygen inside his tank.
"
"i'll return your offence if you slight me,
and it doesn't take much to incite me.
all it takes is a dare
in a glare or a stare
with a challenging look. want to fight me?
"
"it's too hot. i can't bear this heat, sally.
let's get back in the car. please don't dally.
it's no joke?this is real?
it's a heat stroke i feel
coming on in this place called death valley.
"
"said dick nixon, ""i cannot walk straight.
my paths curve and their arc is innate.
now the doc says it's me
and my aqueous knee,
as i break into my water gait.""
"
"i could once gobble down my wife's cake,
but today i no longer partake.
she concocts it with vermin
and worms still a-squirmin',
and it bleeds when it's pierced with a stake.
"
"a blind date for that man from nantucket
was to be with a twin. now that's luck. it
turned out not so well,
and he said, ""what the hell?
this here twin brings to mind kirby puckett.""
"
"woodrow wilson said, ""i've got your back,""
so carranza moved troops on our track.
pancho villa was smokin'
since accords we had broken,
so he launched a cross-border attack.
"
"close the curtain; the sun's in my eyes.
though it's noon, i've no reason to rise.
lest we're under attack,
i'll remain on my back?
sweet decumbency: life's greatest prize.
"
"for o'reilly, free speech is his due.
and it's written as law for you, too.
he remains, he'll insist,
constitutionalist.
disagree? mike's shut off. should they sue?
"
"pleathe don't hit me again like you juth did.
i can feel that my tooth hath been buthdid.
now tho people won't mock,
i mutht go to the doc
and thit down for a plathtic bicuthpid.
"
"the iron-clad albemarle fought
the yanks who blockaded her port.
this confederate boat
bested all those afloat ?
a torpedo, though, brought her up short.
"
"someone's deathbed's not something you'll see
discounted for sale on tv,
for what creep would buy cheap
the dead's place of last sleep?
(i'll accept it as long as it's free.)
"
"diabolicalness causes strife
between me and that devil, my wife.
i have asked her, of course,
for a friendly divorce
but she curses me: ""not in this life!""
"
"as i sit and i ponder reflectively,
i embrace my computer protectively.
now it's broke, more's the pity,
since it's from circuit city?
should have known it would function defectively.
"
"my sweet lady, i'm now in a spot
for your arrow is hurting a lot.
but before i expire,
may i lastly inquire:
who the hell labeled you a ""great shot""?
"
"as ex-sovereign and chief of this nation
i am bound to admit my frustration.
i'd prefer if instead
of you saying ""behead"",
you would say i'll endure ""decollation.""
"
"you were tossed from the club last september,
then we said don't come back last december.
now we've all drawn a straw
to see who wields the saw
to ensure that this time you dismember.
"
"as we gathered for matters baptismal
the atmosphere seemed quite abysmal.
i think it was maybe
that rosemary's baby
had decided to make it damn dismal.
"
"if for safe return shipboard you hanker,
here's advice that i give without rancor:
to get back on the boat,
it is best if you float,
so, for god's sake, let loose of the anchor!
"
"that destroyer will find we're his match.
crash-dive now! once we're under we'll catch
that damn enemy skipper
in my periscope pipper...
oops, my bad! i left open the hatch!
"
"sure, the danube is brown as can be ?
it gets flooded with feces and pee.
this unclean human dung
down the danube is flung
to the chronically mucky black sea.
"
"""do not play with those cards!"" mom would scold 'em.
""those card games are evil!"" she told 'em.
but her kids still would play
hoping maybe some day
they could make lots of dough playing hold 'em.
"
"it is part of god's clever design
that there's time both to fish and recline.
but the devil (that swine)
got his mitts on my line.
now its tangle i must disentwine.
"
"a washington hooker named paula
declared, ""i'm on sale! you can ball a
magnificent pro
for just ten bucks a throw!""
(men were lined up from walla to walla.)
"
"through a valley (a dene) a dene
made his way to a dene by the bay.
this new dene was a dune
where the wind blew a tune
which the indian hummed on the way.
"
"on her tour of the plant, our new mayor
got her head caught athwart a conveyer.
but she proved quite refractory
in her ride through the factory,
and her lawyer insisted we pay her.
"
"when your stomach is starting to boil
alka-seltzer will clear up that roil.
drink this fizz, some believe,
and you'll stop any heave
so the front of your suit's free from soil.
"
"i like women ? for that there's no cure ?
and seduce them i will, that's for sure.
said my good buddy mike,
""is it big girls you like?""
i said, ""yes, but i like demi- more.""
"
"says my r?sum?: ""atheist man?
rejects bible as well as koran.""
the religious would say,
""what has made you this way?""
and i'd answer, ""it must be god's plan.""
"
"that store owner sure deserves jail.
he keeps saying his business will fail
so his stock has to go,
and he'll sell it cheap, though
it's a seven-year-long cut-rate sale.
"
"the main blood types are a, b, and o,
and in each the red corpuscles flow.
but the hue that's in me
is for nobles, you see.
it's that blue that my veins always show.
"
"though those aig guys on their own
let their once-great stock sink like a stone,
they still all made a mil
for which we pay the bill:
""how the hell does this work?"" is our groan.
"
"bob the barber was not a great cutter;
modern hair styles could make his heart flutter.
""b-b-be a success?
under d-d-duress?
i'm a f-f-f-failure,"" he'd stutter.
"
"ms. teller, don't think i'm a crook!
this isn't a hold-up. just look
at this bank book. i say
it's an old-fashioned way
that deposits are kept ? in a book.
"
"the rules aren't for me, they're for you;
i'm aware how things work, you've no clue.
do your dull, plodding best;
i live life with more zest ?
so just do as i say, not i do.
"
"i'm big ant'ny, ya' know, that's my name.
and i'm part of the biker gang game.
some are bad, some are worse;
in our minds, quite diverse,
though it's true that we all dress the same.
"
"our new mansion is studded with gables
and we've horses galore in our stables.
our large porch is our pride
where we all eat outside
(on its deck, since we can't afford tables).
"
"it's a word used not often today
but, at parties, some people display
a disorderly face,
and they might wreck your place
in their merriment, mirth and deray.
"
"when bush and his men came to power
no one answered the question, ""just how're
we supposed to get back
if we're stuck in iraq?""
that's not planning ? that's amateur hour.
"
"if a crapehanger darkens the room
with an attitude driven by gloom,
the good news that you savor
to him seems much graver,
and portentously signals your doom.
"
"our best dive bomber won coral sea.
it's the dauntless (the famed sbd).
at midway, this harrier
sunk many a carrier
and forced our opponents to flee.
"
"dijon, france, is well-known for smooth mustard,
but its makers don't seem to be flustered
that the mustardly seeds
that fulfill all their needs
come from canada. you guys are busted!
"
"we confirm that your retina's detached,
but your doc's reputation's unmatched.
he'll secure it with glue
and the tongue from a shoe
and an eye bolt to keep it all patched.
"
"""place the cross wires right on the spot
where you aim to deliver your shot.""
""before this gun fires,
please point out the wires,
'cause cross hairs is all that i've got.""
"
"a most affable college professor
was informed by her stern dispossessor:
""i've thrown you and your spawn
and your goods on the lawn.""
but, incredibly, that didn't stress 'er.
"
"""where's biloxi?"" ""it's in mississippi.""
""what's a beatnik?"" ""a '50s-style hippie.""
""what is dark?"" ""that's called night.""
""are you sure that you're right?""
""am i certain? you bet your sweet bippy!""
"
"my girl's necklines are d?collet?.
when she moves you can see her jugs sway.
but she thinks guys are rubes
to fixate on her boobs
just because they're laid out on display.
"
"said a fecund young man from fort totten,
""it's no secret: my memory is rotten.
name their mothers? no sweat;
but i quickly forget
all the names of the kids i've begotten.""
"
"there's a desolateness to my yard.
it looms empty except for the guard
who's told kids, one and all,
not to come get their ball
'cause the neighborhood brats are all barred.
"
"i'm the captain commanding this boat,
and in charge while this boat stays afloat.
i'll deal out a small ration
to each with dispassion;
then we'll transit the bounds of this moat.
"
"deteriorate: to make worse
or to lessen the worth of your purse;
to depreciate so
that you soon feel so low
that your life seems an unending curse.
"
"the deluge made a terrible flood
and the river churned banks into mud.
then we came home to find
that our house, undermined,
with a splash in the river had slud.
"
"a knock-kneed girl's legs? heaven-sent.
or a chubby girl's thighs? no lament.
and i'd turn down nowise
any skinny girl's thighs,
while bow legs on a girl? pleasure-bent!
"
"soon the tropical fish called the blenny
will be worth a damn fine pretty penny.
men will fish on their reef
till they find that ? good grief! ?
of the once many blenny: ain't any.
"
"when the japanese war hit the road
and their navy vast oceans bestrode,
they'd code orders in vain
since we read them ""in plain"":
we cryptanalyzed each secret code.
"
"place the eye of the newt in the pot
with the bat wing, the mold, and the snot.
but don't let the mix boil
or the spell you will spoil,
so the bubble point matters a lot.
"
"de-nazification's a way
we permitted some germans to stay,
safe from penalties dire.
crimes forgiven, we'd hire
techs for nasa and spies, cia.
"
"no health channel! that's my decree,
since diseases i happened to see
made odd symptoms appear
from my head to my rear,
so my doctor's new car is on me.
"
"please write down what i dictate to you:
my dear sir: your account's overdue.
you're a fraud and a cheat
i'd hoped never to meet.
send the cash to me now. your son, hugh.
"
"we fought dinks in the hot asian sun.
in each battle, they seemed on the run.
we kept track of their slain
and sent stats up the chain,
but just body counts don't tell who won.
"
"hey, buddy, we're no greasy spoon ?
so i think you should change your tune soon.
no citified whiner
makes fun of our diner ?
even if you can smell our spittoon.
"
"my burial plot has been chosen ?
a gravesite with scenery ambrosian
which blooms bright in the spring.
(but i'm sure of one thing:
when i die the damn field will be frozen.)
"
"oddjob first  used his hat to deliver
a smashing hard blow to disshiver
a statue, to scare
mr. bond. but his glare
couldn't make that cool master-spy quiver.
"
"said the teacher, ""i more and more find
to make progress through life's daily grind
i must constantly tipple
my favorite drink, ripple,
or the kids drive me out of my mind.""
"
"in the west, every saddle has borne
a projection that's known as the horn.
when you lasso a steer,
the rope's dallied right there,
so it's used and not meant to adorn.
"
"said the girl, ""'ere i pass from this coil
and i'm buried six feet in the soil,
i shall learn how to sing
like a lark in the spring.""
and she tried ? but she's no susan boyle.
"
"on my street if you're part of a bust-up,
where everyone starts to get mussed up,
with screamin' and yellin',
there's no way of tellin'
just who the police will take trussed up.
"
"my wife's cooking has such great appeal
that i love to dig into my meal.
so i picked up my spade
when i saw what she'd made.
""you can not use a shovel. get real!""
"
"a rail crossover switch on a track
moves one train to another, then back.
a fast train on the fly
will have room to pass by,
which avoids hearing two engines smack.
"
"the protestors are packed wall to wall
and sheer bedlam erupts in the hall:
""keep your hands off our health!""
and the guys with the wealth
(they've derived from the sick) back their call.
"
"there's a circular object (a dial)
on my telephone making me smile
to watch youngsters try
to figure out why
these odd rotary phones once had style.
"
"we once chem-sprayed a south-asian nation
from an increasing sense of frustration.
while the leaves on their trees
blew away with the breeze,
we gained nothing from defoliation.
"
"got an overweight rocket? that's bad.
to help it lift off from the pad,
add a booster or two?
when it streaks for the blue,
you can bet that makes astronauts glad.
"
"my pop took the place of me mutta
and warned no complaints could we utta.
pancake batta he'd beaten
could no way be eaten
since he'd mixed it with jif peanut butta.
"
"defalcation's embezzling your dough,
always hoping that you'll never know.
but if you should learn
it's your money i burn,
blame the guys who made me ceo.
"
"when i'm dead, i intend to be found
in a box buried deep underground.
add some concrete ? don't stop ?
piled right to the top,
for i'll wake at the quietest sound.
"
"a young urban pro is a yuppie.
a black urban pro? he's a buppie.
when the dough doesn't flow,
is a poor urban pro
to be dogged with the nickname of puppy?
"
"after hearing the audience clamor
and the minister endlessly yammer,
""the truth"" didn't slightly
just brush me politely.
it knocked in its word with a hammer.
"
"please don't ask me to offer or say,
come tomorrow, what's promised today.
yes, i do want your vote,
and i hope you will note
i'm on everyone's side, come what may.
"
"this tame kitty's no wild desert lynx
that still roams near the sands of the sphinx.
no, this fake bobcat pet
ain't related. you get
just a cross-breeder's ruse, and that stinks.
"
"we can both disagree, yet not fight,
though our chance for agreement is slight.
but, between you and me,
our best hope to agree
is if you say to me, ""yeah, you're right.""
"
"the first sergeant was angry and mean.
""you're the worst soldier i've ever seen.
you don't know how to shoot
so we'll give you the boot.""
i just want my dd 214.
"
"if it wasn't for us your whole street
would be stacked with dead bodies, replete
with maggots and vectors.
but we funeral directors
snatch bodies to keep your street neat.
"
"a reality show gave a thrill
as chaos ensued at the mill
with these woodworking fools
laying waste with their tools
and the crowd screaming, ""drill, baby, drill!""
"
"in the church tower, high in the spire,
there's a light. is that steeple on fire?
no, the gleam from that shrine
is to give paul his sign
warning peace is about to expire.
"
"it's across town from here to the gate
of the factory, so here i must wait
on my near-frozen feet,
braving rain, snow and sleet,
for the cross-town bus. why is it late?
"
"the boss said of me, ""he's deep-read,""
and those words drilled a hole in my head.
""what the hell? are you barmy?
i'm no socialist commie!""
""no, i mean that you're learned,"" he said.
"
"though they say i'm alive and still kickin',
with no teeth i'm just gummin' dry chicken.
i can't hear my tv,
i can't walk, i can't see,
but this thing in my chest keeps me tickin'.
"
"if you're married to two wives, that's bigamy.
divorced and remarried? that's digamy.
if you've got more than two,
people say, ""shame on you!""
that's illegal and crass ? it's polygamy.
"
"if an orgy's about to begin,
or you plan to commit some droll sin
which may give me great pleasure
or joy beyond measure:
don't bother to ask ? deal me in.
"
"the game warden's fine's been disclosed,
and my driveway's been swept up and hosed,
yet my neighbor still yells
'bout the smell that still tells
where the deer that i shot decomposed.
"
"william buckley is now a cadaver.
his son chris saw right through his palaver.
this chip off the block
cast his vote for barack.
(bet his dad knew more rhymes for cadaver.)
"
"in a battle made famous in verse,
a brit officer started to curse
at the farmers he'd seen
standing fast on the green:
""disperse, you damn rebels, disperse!""
"
"many patties of beef (hamburg, ground)
are piled high on some buns (often round),
which are slathered with cheese,
lettuce, condiments, please.
that's a heart attack pill that you've downed.
"
"my house's four corners are skewed
and, with limited coverage, i'm screwed.
i've no money to fix
rotten termites' mean tricks:
they have all of the corner posts chewed.
"
"an old woman devoured by lust
found herself a young man, said, ""you must
give me all that you've got.
i'm incredibly hot.""
he said, ""wait while i brush off the dust.""
"
"you be santa. then you, too, would snap
having bratty kids squirm in your lap.
now i feel like a loser;
i'm becoming a boozer
just to sit through their  christmas list crap.
"
"they dismantled my building today:
tore it down and then hauled it away.
while my lot looks real neat,
it's the house 'cross the street
you were sent to demolish, ok?
"
"since my credit card balance is zero,
i am told that's no reason to cheer. ""oh,
you deadbeat,"" they cry,
""kiss your visa good-bye
if you don't start to spend like you're nero.""
"
"""obama's a racist,"" squeals glenn
and repeats it again and again.
and rush (rash belittler)
claims obama's like hitler,
while some on the right say, ""amen.""
"
"soon the lord's day of judgment i'll see,
but i'll probably face it with glee,
even if i get harried.
the day that i married
was god's reckoning day, just for me.
"
"bounty jumper? most folks will agree
that's the epithet best suiting me.
uncle sam gave me dough,
'cause i said, ""yes, i'll go.""
not to war, though, they now know. to flee.
"
"the sovereign is gone ? i'm dethroner.
and of this mighty land, i'm new owner.
but my citizens glare
as i rule from this chair.
was assuming this throne a big boner?
"
"""though your accent is close to perfection,
i perceive just the slightest inflection
which tells me, lord hockney,
that you are a cockney.""
""miss marple, what splendid detection!""
"
"bisecting a girl? that's delusion.
and then render her whole in conclusion?
but he gave it a try,
then failed badly...oh, my!
now he ponders his sad disillusion.
"
"she's a dimwit, most folks would agree.
not a brain in her head we can see.
but she grabbed up my store,
all my cash, and much more.
and the dim-witted one? that was me.
"
"if he'd been a worse player (god's truth)
or a drinker of gin and vermouth
or was quick with a joke
and perennially broke
he'd be color man now in the booth.
"
"i'd feel funny to buy one. don't ask it,
'cause, dad, it won't fit in the basket.
and you're nowhere near dead,
plus i won't have it said
that you lie in some cheap kmart casket.
"
"that great side-wheeler nearly is here
and it soon will arrive at the pier.
watch the little kids scoot
at the thunderous toot
of the boat whistle filling the ear.
"
"all those rabbits invading our grounds
shall be dealt with by huge baying hounds.
or at least so i thought,
but they just can't be caught.
they're escaping by leaps and by bounds.
"
"yum, some bottom round really looks sweet ?
a quick piece and my night is complete.
juicy, warm, hot and pink,
nothing better, i think ?
oh, i'm sorry. you're speaking of meat?
"
"at the range, we fire rifles en masse,
often standing, or prone in the grass.
when the shooting is done,
even though it's been fun,
it's a bummer policing the brass.
"
"in lost weekend, milland's not deterred
by the problems his drinking incurred,
till a bellevue clinician
said, ""i've a suspicion
that 'abstinence' must be your word.""
"
"helping customers? we see no need.
we're still paid if we fail. yes, indeed.
any way that it's sliced,
our work's way overpriced.
aig: we're a study in greed.
"
"say some scots, ""that's a death bell you hear
when a ringing sound tickles your ear.
it announces today
that a friend's passed away,
but at least it's not you on the bier.""
"
"many people believe in a god.
that concept i find very odd.
i accept what i've seen:
body snatchers on screen,
proving we came to earth in a pod.
"
"let me just set you straight, my good bwana.
in my will, my relations are gonna
find i left them no money,
while i think it is funny
they'll inherit a bible (tijuana).
"
"""you act like an over-sexed druid.
you must heal and i'll serve as your steward.""
so to help with the change,
she took pains to arrange
that i drink lots of cure-rection fluid.
"
"""when jesus returns,"" my dad snorts,
""you'll see it on tv reports.
he'll appear with jim swaggart
(that boaster, that braggart)
and walk water on wide world of sports.""
"
"""you're dispensable. out!"" said my mate.
""you're not needed. defunct is your state.
women planned for long term
and have stocked up on sperm.
now we've streamlined the way we create.""
"
"dit dit dit, dit dit  dit, dit  dit (it's
gonna drive me right out of my wits).
dit dit dit, dit dit dit
dit dit dit, dit dit dit.
i insist ? stick one dah midst these dits.
"
"when king henry the fifth learned to weave, he
made robes with a forty-inch sleeve. he
was warned by his man:
""when you're using the can,
your sleeve will be sloshing in pee, v.""
"
"in a cannon, see circus folks jump,
then get blown in the air with a thump!
and i'm willing to bet
they all hope they hit net
and don't land with a clown up their rump.
"
"said the devil, ""hi, welcome to hell.
seems your gunfight did not go too well.
guess it wasn't much fun
when you noticed your gun
had no bullet, but just a blank shell.""
"
"the actors whose names graced the billin'
tried hard to perform and were willin'
to use their best diction,
which hurt their depiction
of speaking the words of bob dylan.
"
"thomas paine wrote of  god in the age
of reason.  he failed to assuage
the complaints from the guys
who were biblically wise?
and saw blasphemy writ on each page.
"
"i jsut renclety raed art's ""clhid's paly.""
wtihuot dbuot, it srcweed up my wolhe day.
my mnid was bfeudlded,
my sneses all mdudeld,
and my csoresd eeys jsut wno't go aawy.
"
"""it just needs some water,"" she said,
as more plant food was spread on its bed.
she cannot comprehend
why the plants she may tend,
despite round-the-clock care, remain dead.
"
"what's a clinker? a fire room hand;
it's the shackles that convicts can't stand;
it's a baseball miscue;
a hard biscuit you chew;
and an awful off-note from a band.
"
"once chlordane was powerful stuff
whose toxic effects proved too rough,
so the lax epa
made it all go away
'cause they knew that too much was enough.
"
"a young bark louse thought things would be neat
if he chowed down a book, as a treat.
but his dad interdicted:
""those tomes are restricted
to book lice, the lousy elite.""
"
"our dwelling (by seaside) so humble
has developed a creak, groan and grumble.
the tide eats away
its foundation each day:
beach erosion will soon make it tumble.
"
"common sense, writ by brave thomas paine:
to obey any king is insane.
a great country we'll forge
without help from king george,
(which the pamphlet went on to explain).
"
"i am bandaged from head past my knee
and my eyes are about all you see.
i believed i was safe
till my girl's boyfriend, rafe,
made a horrid example of me.
"
"the invasion on d-day, well-planned,
almost failed in the normandy sand
on june sixth, forty-four,
when gis came ashore ?
yet its outcome was nothing but grand.
"
"""how i long for my damp english home,""
said the duke in an igloo near nome.
""while the winters are chilly,
they don't freeze my willy,
and ceilings are flat, not a dome.""
"
"there's a rhyme starting ""hey, diddle diddle.""
and some stuff 'bout a cat and a fiddle,
and a dog and a spoon,
and a cow and the moon,
but who's diddling who? that's the riddle.
"
"dei judicium: this, my dear friend,
is an ordeal that may mean your end.
but have faith that god's planned
to guide your striking hand,
since on his tender grace you depend.
"
"the disbarment of lawyer mcshane
left his criminal clients in pain.
he can't practice, but, hey!
that raised cries of ""hooray!""
one less lawyer ? society's gain.
"
"""mr. maryk, you've long been my bane.
now you've mutinied here on the caine.""
""captain queeg, squeeze your balls.
i must act. duty calls.
you're a sick man, and may be insane.""
"
"please don't tell me you're having ""bad trips.""
i want cash, not the lies from your lips.
just hand over your bills
and i'll see you get pills.
i'm an author, but only write scrips.
"
"what is distance? it's what you should know
when you're driving your date to a show,
so you'll get there on time
for an evening sublime,
and then, later, how far you can go.
"
"oftentimes in the woods you will see
a food supply high in a tree.
while that bear bag is there
out of reach of a bear,
if a bear should appear, please, hoist me!
"
"john crossed over the bridge, or he tried,
but a train jolted john in mid-stride.
so we mourn him today,
but he's well on his way
to cross over to god's other side.
"
"i been workin' this mine maybe four
or five years ? i lost count ? maybe more.
when beginning, i betted
i'd never be debted,
yet i owe all my pay to their store.
"
"to finish a deal on the street,
dead presidents make it  complete.
this refers to the faces
that occupy spaces
on greenbacks that dealers find sweet.
"
"if the cops solve the cases (deducibly),
of the crimes you've committed (abusibly),
you'll be wrapped round your neck
by a rope, but, by heck,
you can say you're well-hung (although nooseibly).
"
"in this poker game, no ""deuces wild.""
we're adults here. don't act like a child.
buy some chips now and play
or just go on your way.
you're beginning to get wild bill riled.
"
"first he slapped on my face with his fist,
so i kicked him ? i couldn't resist.
then he gouged at my eye,
so i let out a cry,
and i gave both his ears a huge twist.
"
"though his words sounded fine at first blush,
garbled syntax made staff wish he'd hush.
through his lips dumb words surged,
mangled sayings emerged:
his odd bushisms: sense turned to mush.
"
"for deterrence, we all have the bomb,
so let's everyone chill and keep calm.
starting nuclear war
would make most mothers sore,
and you don't want to mess with my mom.
"
"must the audience constantly clap
for this singer? i think his act's crap.
and their calls for ""encore!""
and applauding for ""more!"" ?
that displosion's disturbing my nap.
"
"""what's the height of the base of that cloud?""
asked the weatherman, thinking aloud.
""i'll determine that soon
when this ceiling balloon
disappears in its mist,"" he avowed.
"
"getting older, the spy looked beyond
his work to a mill on a pond.
there his very next caper
would be making paper ?
the very best bond, yes, james bond.
"
"in the courtroom, john sought an adjournment
and asked bail. ""i'm a man of discernment,""
said the judge, ""and i know
that if i let you go,
you'll forget what the hell 'to return' meant.""
"
"on this point, we could argue all night,
but i'm not in the mood for a fight.
so let's say you and me
find it best to agree
that we both are, disputably, right.
"
"i'm impressed by your still-making ways,
and your product can simply amaze.
i took some of your hooch,
served a glass to my pooch
and his eyes didn't blink for three days.
"
"down at walmart she buys body armor,
but the vest won't help bessie the farmer
if she's caught in her field
by a bull who won't yield
in his efforts to physically harm 'er.
"
"for consignments (within business law)
there's a statement you cannot ignore.
it accounts for your sales
or such loss as prevails?
listen up! i'd best not hear you snore.
"
"ardipithecus (""ardi"" to all)
is a creature some scientists call
the link to our past,
discovered at last.
still, creationists aren't in her thrall.
"
"when surveyors check lots on a street,
metes and bounds is a phrase they repeat.
a bound you will find
where a river might wind,
but who knows what the hell is a ""mete""?
"
"a demon told one demonologist:
""old nick's now a true scientologist,
and tom cruise owns his soul.
since my boss lost control,
he wants you to become his apologist.""
"
"""hit the lotto!"" i heard hubby shout.
""pack your bags. hurry! be a good scout.""
""am i loading my grip
for a round-the-world trip?""
""no, my dear. i'm just throwing you out.""
"
"to don boots, there's a tool made for you.
put its hook in each bootstrap (there's two),
then yank up on the tool ?
no, there's no boot-tool school.
sir, i think you should just buy a shoe.
"
"my culminant moment in life
was the first night i spent with my wife.
since the peak of that thrill
it's been heading downhill,
thanks to nagging and bitching and strife.
"
"condonation (it may seem absurd)
means you're pardoned for crimes that occurred.
thus, the state acts as though
nothing happened, and so
you can fly away free as a bird.
"
"in the mafia, don't think of splittin',
'cause they don't want to hear that you're quittin'.
if you get in your car
you won't get very far ?
your body they'll find where you're sittin'.
"
"said the porcupine, ""i'm not a grouch
but i find i'm unable to crouch
in a way that our sexing
won't cause in you vexing
and hoarseness from screaming out, 'ouch!'""
"
"""hey! this land is your land and my land,""
said the king to the people of thailand.
""but i can't stand the heat
so i plan to beat feet
to a temperate clime in rhode island.""
"
"in july of eighteen-sixty-one,
our units went south for some fun.
we'd show rebs who was boss
but our boys couldn't cross
a stream someone said was bull run.
"
"my poor uncle was breathless all night.
his affliction gave auntie a fright.
unc said, ""doc, it's my heart.""
but the doc, being smart,
said, ""don't worry. your necktie's too tight.""
"
"with the watergate break-in, the fate
of dick nixon came under debate.
yes, this botched black bag job
made republicans sob
and the democrats highly irate.
"
"i believe that your facts are mistaken
and a bookish faux pas you are makin'.
he who authored king lear
and the one i'd revere
is a guy by the name of frank bacon.
"
"""take his property!"" and i, of course, meant
that the sheriff received my endorsement
to use force to obtain
and/or seize your domain
by a legal device called deforcement.
"
"on the heath, our wild passions did seethe
so we each saw a weapon dissheathe.
then we parried and thrust
till one fell in the dust
stained with blood as he struggled to breathe.
"
"don't worry, i'm sure i'll avail ya
of some girls for tonight's saturnalia.
there's a bimbo in bangor
i know (i just rang 'er)
who's up for some wild bacchanalia.
"
"my new song hit the charts labeled ""pop""
then crossed over, but stumbled as ""'bop.""
when it took off as ""country,""
some called it effront'ry,
though it climbed almost clear to the top.
"
"""please, my date wants it kept from her mom
that we rented a room for post-prom.""
""you've been booked for that day.
tell her mom? there's no way,""
tom confirmingly said with aplomb.
"
"all your troubles you cast on me blamingly,
and you posted false thoughts online flamingly.
so i'll see you in court
where i'll file my retort
to the words that you uttered defamingly.
"
"didelphidae: each girl opossum
can have young in great litters that blossom.
nine, ten, twelve, even more
make your nipple right sore ?
clutching teats in your pouch till you toss 'em.
"
"i can see that you're wholly entranced
by the treatment upon which you chanced.
that's not torture you're seeing
on that boarded being ?
just normal inquiry, enhanced.
"
"damn! i wish that i wasn't so bold,
but a round-the-world trip promised gold.
now i'm here in this plane
seeking howland in vain ?
that pacific looks pretty but cold.
"
"for my diet, i'm going to try
to avoid any food that you fry,
and food that is buttery
or blood-vessel-cluttery ?
could i have more whipped cream on my pie?
"
"your brother just turned twenty-two  ?
born the year before sis's debut.
and just last week god brought
you, our own afterthought.
we had thought we were done, but who knew?
"
"at the carnival, bozo is game
to berate from a plank while you aim
and heave balls at a mark,
which unlatches to park
this coarse clown in the drink. what a shame.
"
"in a conflict of interest, that louse
of a judge was out screwing my spouse.
when she sought a divorce,
the judge blurted, ""of course.
take his money, his dog and his house.""
"
"community property rights
mean that women will lie awake nights
to determine how best,
with one half, to then wrest
all the rest in vexatious court fights.
"
"a decipherer's challenged to take
an unreadable code and to make
it a readable text,
but they sometimes are vexed
by a message they just cannot break.
"
"on a pole, it's a fuse and a switch
that will pop if there's ever a hitch.
this fuse cut-out falls free
so the lineman can see
where the fuse is that's causing the glitch.
"
"brother bunker is dead. so am i.
as my brother has died, i must die.
now his life's breath has flown
and too soon must my own.
joined in life and in death, god knows why.
"
"on the palm of ex-governor palin
were writ words that would stop her from flailin'.
her pat answers were right
on that tea party night,
'cause her cheat sheet prevented her failin'.
"
"after three times a night, one expects
the same act to spawn mundane effects.
and the more that i do it,
boredom latches on to it:
commonplaceness has cured me of sex.
"
"i've a way to fulfill all your dreams
and it's really as good as it seems.
making money's no crime,
so let's deal, if you've time.
(one more sucker for ponzi-like schemes)
"
"""seems shingles and scabies, rubella,
and acne and jock itch,"" said stella,
""and mere mouthings from sharks
can leave dermatine marks
that can mess up the skin on a fella.""
"
"i'm afraid to defrost my deep freeze
lest its mold spores start making me wheeze.
and i fear that inside
some malignant germs hide
set to spread a black plague-like disease.
"
"great writers like austen and dickens
spent no time at all on mohicans.
they left that to cooper,
who many thought super,
but twain said his stories weren't slick 'uns.
"
"a new jewish convert i am,
and i'm happy i passed their exam.
i just love their strict diet
(i hope you all try it),
but, damn, ma'am, i do miss my ham.
"
"she was angry at me, so in bed
she scooted away. when i said,
""could you get a bit closer?""
she hissed at me, ""no, sir.
i prefer sleeping dissite instead.""
"
"a dwarf ? not a midget ? named bridget
said that dapperling's  use made her fidget.
this old word for her state
made her highly irate
and reprove with her dapperling digit.
"
"i'll have beer, and ice cream in a cup,
and some kibble to give to my pup,
plus those barbecued chips,
pack of kools (filter tips),
and what else? let me see. stick 'em up!
"
"a cop lurking to snatch up a mutt,
in the men's room with all the doors shut,
was quite taken aback
when he smelled the man's crack,
but his weed? well, he checked the man's butt.
"
"every springtime i plant all the seeds
to grow produce my family needs.
then i feed and i water
as much as i oughter
just to bring up my annual weeds.
"
"our accountant decided to split
with the company's cash in his kit.
his decampment revealed
what his cooked books concealed ?
we should never have trusted that twit.
"
"take your case to the board of appeals
if your council won't let you raise seals.
but your plea won't prevail
if your sorrowful tale
isn't backed by some sweet-lucre deals.
"
"seems their card games (i note with chagrin)
are for kids, with no money to win.
many times i have told 'em:
if you play texas hold 'em
for more than just chips, deal me in.
"
"mr. hitchens, your landlord, declares
that your daughter's been found abovestairs
in the second-floor flat
with a young man named matt,
with her skirt up, displaying her wares.
"
"said adam to god, ""wait. don't leave.
i'm alone on this world, i perceive.
do the magic you do ?
take a spare rib or two
and corporify eye-catching eve.""
"
"at the fair, men line up for a buss
from a beauty, who's causing the fuss.
her good looks light the room,
and their lust's in full bloom,
but her skunky breath makes kissers cuss.
"
"please don't mention i'm sleeping with marian
when you're jotting down items diarian.
things could really turn bad
if they're read by her dad.
i would then hit the road, never tarryin'.
"
"you can bet on this side of the channel
there's no candlewick spread that a man'll
ever use on his bed.
but he'll sleep well instead
on a sheet made from sandpaper flannel.
"
"that tom turkey you cooked looked delectable;
no undercooked meat was detectable.
but good as it looked
it was way overcooked
and as hard as a rock ? not dissectible.
"
"those diets were old-timey terms
for ""assembly"", my text book confirms.
while there was a worms diet,
you are warned not to try it ?
i grew fat on my diet of worms.
"
"to the raters, my movie's not clean,
though i made it to show as big screen.
""no, your x-cessive sex
overdoes triple-x.""
thus the porn moguls said, ""too obscene.""
"
"some predict in a year (maybe three)
armageddon's disasters we'll see.
so i'm selling my goods,
taking straight to the woods ?
in so deep even god says, ""where's he?""
"
"i'd consider a seance a sham.
if i can't feel and touch it? a scam.
don't say ghost. don't say spirit ?
i don't want to hear it:
a corporealist person i am.
"
"a contactant induces distress,
causing allergies ? soon life's a mess.
first your eyes start to run,
then your nose. not much fun
cleaning snot from the front of your dress.
"
"found a list of kings' tombs in this jar.
it's in code, so we can't go too far
till we break down the text.
so that's what we'll do next ?
cryptographically learn where they are.
"
"""it's a chatellaney!"" hollered mulvaney.
""you own land now up north where it's rainy.""
""i'm the lord of a castle
and you are my vassal?
candid camera? it must be ? that's zany!""
"
"sarah palin, when soundly decried
for her ghostwriter's nonsense, replied
that she backed going rogue
since big lies are in vogue
for both dems and the gop side.
"
"it was disklike. that saucer was rife
with lights flashing. i feared for my life.
that damn craft made no sounds
and it grabbed my best hounds,
my girlfriend ... oh, yes ... and my wife.
"
"the costume john wore at the prom
was a replica chemical bomb,
which exploded with farts
from its nethermost parts,
yet he carried it off with aplomb.
"
"there's a check in this letter of mine
for a cool million bucks! i resign!
what? not mine? this is yours?
guess that word underscores
with attention: your name on that line.
"
"""oh, my god! why you walkin' so scrunched up?
your whole body looks like it was hunched up.""
""my old boxers are loose
and they snag my caboose
when i walk, which, in turn, gets them bunched up.""
"
"kim  the dog-lover chortled with glee
at the savory chow he could see:
""i won't eat puppy lips
or some dog's bony hips?
it's the paws that refreshes for me.""
"
"diatessarons deconstruct four
gospel stories of biblical lore,
then combine them in stories
of jesus's glories ?
the rest of the book folks ignore.
"
"this anonymous man from wherever
himself must be fiendishly clever,
for he has you and me
writing limerickally
hoping others will read them forever.
"
"who can possibly count all the dubs,
the increasing, unending mass flubs,
each gaffe and each  blunder
that's tearing asunder
the inept, the mistake-prone, the cubs.
"
"a black widow (the femme, not the spider)
is found in whodunits worldwide. her
intent is to wed
and then to leave, dead,
each husband she's picked as provider.
"
"i created this cute little ditty,
but was told that the lyrics weren't pretty,
that no-one would sing it
and no band would swing it.
yet i still think it's great (more's the pity).
"
"every day i awake to the beat
of the running of kids on my street.
nonstop stomping and pounding
make noises resounding.
i curse their cursorial feet.
"
"if it's raining and just won't relent
so that mold-bred conditions present
in your cellar, don't cry.
i had dampness, too. i
filled the space with twelve loads of cement.
"
"i am going! don't push. beating feet!
get your hands off my neck and my seat!
i'll soon fade out of sight
and just blend into night?
that's me, vanishing there, down your street.
"
"for vacation, my sweetie and me
meant to fly to the isle of capri.
but our plans led to strife ?
they embarrassed my wife
when they said, ""no, that bag can't fly free.""
"
"pics i place in my digital scanner
are transformed in a pixelized manner
to a bitmap or tiff
or a jpeg or gif,
to be used for a book or a banner.
"
"four bold fonts in a bar ask for beer,
but the bartender offers a sneer.
""you bodonis are trouble ?
beat feet, on the double.
we don't want your type drinking in here.""
"
"there once was a man from nantucket
who went to the stable to muck it.
but those horses could kick,
and he wasn't a hick,
so his brain was enclosed in a bucket.
"
"a sober young shortstop, named grieg,
moved from minor up to a big league.
but he found that to play
for a top team each day
made him drink to relieve the fatigue.
"
"mary eddy announced in defiance:
modern people place too much reliance
on medical care.
trust the person up there.
pray that he'll grant a cure ? christian science.
"
"this buffet is a pleasant surprise
with delectables piled to the skies.
sue, tell sid and jerome,
grab some goodies for home.
stash your food in these doggie bags, guys.
"
"double negatives aren't hard to find
among speakers who aren't too refined.
i would add an example
to use as a sample,
but i ain't got none coming to mind.
"
"you accepted the wreath for first place
but used 'roids, so your win we'll erase.
now your head we'll disgarland.
go back to your far land
and hang your bared head in disgrace.
"
"""that's a real work of art."" ""it's a poodle.
i can sketch what pops into my noodle.""
""did it take quite a while
to develop your style?""
""i don't have a technique. i just doodle.""
"
"any gull crap's a hideous blight
and on paint is a terrible sight.
so my car (once bright blue)
is now covered with do,
and the neighborhood guys think it's white.
"
"that noise is beginning to grate
on my nerves ? we've a lost cuttoo plate.
now the hub on the wheel
(which the plate would conceal)
lets in dirt. hope we don't lose this freight.
"
"fenster hadfield professed his vile bride
was a harlot he'd bedded in hyde.
when she'd said they should marry,
he should have been wary,
but pitied the lass and complied.
"
"you've been summoned, each head of a nation,
to convene at this grand convocation.
now we'll argue for days,
then go separate ways,
yet united in common frustration.
"
"an artillery shell slammed down (thud)
near my foxhole and sprayed me with mud.
i, quick, fell on my face,
but through luck or god's grace,
no explosion ensued. 'twas a dud.
"
"while my sword was quite quick to dissheathe,
my opponent (whose fury did seethe)
had three knives and a gun,
so this wasn't much fun.
i stepped back and said, ""peath, if you pleathe.""
"
"b:  a grade that's one better than c.
b.a.: that's a college degree.
ban: prohibit or stop.
band: plays music (like bop).
bandy: gossip (don't dare mention me).
"
"see this beaker, here left in the sun.
fermentation inside has begun.
so be careful to grab it
two-handed?dagnabbit?
you've dropped it and now you have none.
"
"beelzebub, devil, old nick,
old scratch, perhaps satan: your pick.
but when bush was about
many folks had no doubt
that his faustian pact was with dick.
"
"stay away from that booth. you may score
but still lose in that alibi store.
though you win, they won't pay
since they know every way
to deceive you, then urge, ""play some more.""
"
"using cut-outs once got out of hand,
so the postmaster said, ""we demand
you don't paste stamps you're cutting
on letters to nutting.
attention! this practice is banned.""
"
"""you were great. you're too good to ignore,""
said demille. ""you were simply top drawer!""
then his picture debuted:
i'm cut out. i'm so screwed.
i was left on the cutting room floor.
"
"at college, when me and my buddies
(in our dorm's agricultural studies)
tried to grow mary jane,
we were caught once again
by the dean and the cops (fuddy-duddies!).
"
"there you hit a ball testing how far
it will go. but that's not where you are
to maneuver your ford
or your honda accord.
a driving range? not for your car.
"
"your desidiousness is appalling.
unemployment, it seems, is your calling.
i am telling you, bob ?
off your ass. get a job.
pay your rent. do it now. quit your stalling.
"
"with real fervor in church, some will bawl it:
""amen!"" for no reason, they squall it.
but they quiet right down
when the plate comes around,
and pretend that they don't have a wallet.
"
"sir, your daughter's been called on the mat
for just wearing a thong and a hat
when she waltzed into school.
twenty kids called her cool,
but our dress code is stricter than that.
"
"my wife said, ? oh, excuse me, please (burp!) ?
""will you just drink this down, and don't slurp.
it's my own chymous brew.
doc says you need it too.""
it's not really that bad, it's just ? urpp!
"
"a cowcatcher used to be found
on  a steam engine's front, near the ground.
this buffalo bumper
was used as a thumper
where bison were known to abound.
"
"i've no ether but must yank your tooth
and you'll suffer discomfort, god's truth.
when you undergo pain,
don't start begging in vain
for an end to your life. that's uncouth.
"
"dean teed up ? downed his ball on the green,
then dropped dead. what a horrible scene!
though we grieved all that day,
we continued to  play:
hit the ball, grab our bags, and drag dean.
"
"a boomerang's shaped in a way
that, when tossed, it returns. hip, hooray!
so i practiced my throw
and at last let it go.
it's now missing, six hours astray.
"
"if you're seeking out, say, how to cook,
then the cover is where you should look.
or check on the spine
for those words as a sign ?
it's the backstrip, one edge of the book.
"
"a death spiral down from the sky
means it's likely some pilot will die.
but that spiral looks nice
when it's done on the ice
by skilled skaters ? a treat for the eye!
"
"you got hurt when i shoved you downhill.
then i poisoned your coffee, but still,
my abuse doesn't merit
your rush to disherit.
can't you please put me back in your will?
"
"spring cleaning is here, so i hustle
to stay clear of my wife, who's abustle
to spruce up and dust.
i'm afraid that i must
find a way to invent a sprained muscle.
"
"when the man sitting next to her shot
a huge booger on top of her tot:
""that's disgusting!"" she cried.
""pardon me!"" he replied,
""thought my hanky was handy; it's not.""
"
"this old airplane's a goner, no doubt.
""you must jump for your life!"" came the shout.
so i checked on my chute,
then saluted the lieut,
and i went through the door, bailing out.
"
"the captain, face pale, turned to me.
""here, use this bailing out this huge sea!""
""captain, give me a pail
if you want me to bail.
this spoon's not for sea, it's for tea!""
"
"at the market, change coins into bucks.
watch the coinstar machine as it sucks
your spare change to its bin;
cash the voucher ? we win
as that weight's hauled away in their trucks.
"
"as your pastor, it's been my intention
to speak to you of your declension.
you still have my respect
despite spurning our sect,
but you're going to hell, did i mention?
"
"the barbarians batter the gate!
seems their victory chances are great.
while you hold them off, guys,
to the heavens i'll rise,
once i get this balloon to inflate.
"
"you can't win at our games so we'll let you
spring for any amount and we'll bet you.
try our slots, poker, keno:
in our pequot casino,
the odds are with us and we'll get you.
"
"disconcertment i see in your glance.
you're a gentleman, thus there's no chance,
though your face may be red,
something cheap will be said,
now the wind's shown i'm not wearing pants.
"
"my brother, a lover who's studly,
prefers that his women sit thud-ly.
""if a girl's overweight,
then to hug her is great,
and the best are the morbidly cuddly.""
"
"hey, the circus is coming to town.
it's low-rated and lacking renown.
their advance man makes plans
to bring out the fans,
then performs every night as a clown.
"
"must you bang on that agony box?
my head hurts clear down to my socks!
can you play the piano?
i say, man oh man, no!
your fingers all seem to be rocks.
"
"on this corpse, right there next to the maggot,
is a dna sample. let's bag it.
keep it separate. to mix it
with others would nix it
for use to convict. better tag it.
"
"when you're skiing, to get the most thrills,
you must climb to the tops of high hills.
and with skins on your skis,
you'll ascend slopes with ease.
take them off to avoid downhill spills.
"
"just jump off the bridge now, old chap.
you'll be safe. there's no chance for mishap.
that new bungee cord's strong
and it isn't too long.
so be cool. make the leap. that's it.... snap!
"
"for a year, her sick brother she nursed,
yet got nothing when funds were disbursed.
all it said in his will:
""my sincere 'thanks' to jill.""
it was then that she stamped, screamed and cursed!
"
"back the car. keep an eye on your mark.
cut the wheel. let's get done before dark.
no, you went in too far.
pull up next to that car
by the curb and we'll just double-park.
"
"""it's a basic of signage,"" george said,
that you check how your sign will be read.
people focus with glee
on incompetency,""
as he finished my sign: plan ahea
??????????????d
"
"she's in labor, my sweetheart, my love,
and the doctor is urging her, ""shove!""
at her crotch, doctor hatch
is preparing to catch
my new kid in a first baseman's glove.
"
"far too late i learned john was a hoarder,
when he rented a room as a boarder.
soon his vast cumulation
was a source of frustration,
since his mess mixed with mine in disorder.
"
"a large auger digs holes in the earth,
and a small one in wood proves its worth.
but to auger while biking
wouldn't be to your liking.
such a face-plant engenders folks' mirth.
"
"huge cross seas imperiled our ride
as our ship was assailed from each side,
and the stern, plus the bow.
and i could tell you how
we were saved, but we weren't, and we died.
"
"""in a film or a vid that you've made,
when a shot ends, a new one is laid
on the first, so they merge,""
said film editor serge,
""in a process we call a cross-fade.""
"
"if you're hurt, badly cut and contused,
then your stockpiled blood could be used.
docs can go to the bank
and saved pints they will yank.
your own blood will be autotransfused.
"
"i'm a grape and some find it amazin'
that my juice can make wine well worth praisin'.
as a jam or a jelly,
i'm a treat for your belly,
and dried up, moisture gone, i'm a raisin.
"
"look, your risk with a jury is great.
they don't like that you murdered your mate.
but your miserly judge
doesn't bear you a grudge.
let that domesman (plus cash) set your fate.
"
"see the catcher scoop flyers with ease
way up high on the circus trapeze!
they rely on his grip
and they pray he won't slip
when the flu, now and then, makes him sneeze.
"
"my hard drive has just called it quits,
and its innards are now on the fritz.
so i'll stuff some c-4
in the cd-rom drawer
and i'll blow that computer to bits.
"
"sick and dying, john made a mistake
when he crawled to the kitchen to take
some baked goods from a plate,
to be told by his mate,
""those damn brownies were baked for your wake!""
"
"at the dog pound you'll hear caged mutts yapping.
they bark and they howl when not scrapping.
woofs and snarls from each pen
induce madness in men,
but, at least, it stops keepers from napping.
"
"so i messed with a girl. yes, i did.
""now i'm pregnant,"" she said. god forbid.
we were married, had three.
dying, she said to me,
""take good care of the third. he's your kid.""
"
"in her honor, we'll now draw away
the curtain to place on display
a fine bust of the wife
of our leader. long life
to them both! (we'll take his head some day).
"
"every sunday i'd go for a stroll
on the boardwalk and watch the waves roll,
stretching legs with my pals,
as we ogled the gals.
deambulation's a balm for the soul.
"
"since he didn't appear, fred the brewer
was declared in default, so he's bluer.
but he should be most mad
at the sheriff, that cad,
since fred's service was tossed down the sewer.
"
"in a maze, you can't easily wend
your way to an exit. you spend
time and effort in vain
yet inside you remain.
many paths come to naught ? a dead end.
"
"""grab your shovel!"" my wife says to goad
me outside in the snow. there's a load
in the driveway. the car
isn't going too far
till i clear out a path to the road.
"
"""how many,"" the wife asked her mate,
""have you bedded?"" that question of late
caused a terrible stir
when he answered to her:
""one, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight....""
"
"if a bounty is put on your head,
there's one person you really should dread:
duane chapman will trail
and take you to jail,
or dog you until you are dead.
"
"oh, commander, the breeze on my face
makes me fear something's slipped out of place.
if a gasket just blew
we'll lose all our o2.
shuttles shouldn't be drafty in space.
"
"'twas george washington, as i recall,
who once gave this advice to us all:
""when you fight the king's men,
load a lead ball and then
add some buckshot. that's called buck-and-ball.""
"
"that damned culvertailed joint on my drawer
badly split, so my stuff's on the floor.
i was taken aback
by the dovetail's large crack,
and was all out of joint, so i swore.
"
"when i went on a seaside vacation,
i found, to my great consternation,
that time after time
i was covered with grime
which came from the port's coaling station.
"
"we'll be sailing soon into a patch
of bad weather, so rough seas we'll catch.
we must button the ship
at a fairly fast clip.
to begin, we must dog down that hatch.
"
"a come-along (ratcheted winch)
makes moving big objects a cinch.
you just hitch up the shackle
on this tiny tackle?
a great tool to use in a pinch.
"
"in great secrecy, telling no aide,
his plan for attack was deep-laid.
it was hidden away,
'til, on one fateful day,
it was found and tossed out by his maid.
"
"""you lie!"" wilson yelled from his seat
in a fit of congressional heat.
decorum he'd breach.
this disrupter of speech
seemed to think he was out on the street.
"
"desert pavement's all pebble and cobble
intertwined underfoot, so you'll bobble.
you'll trip on these stones.
you may not break your bones,
but by end of the day you will hobble.
"
"your cranial sutures, it's said,
are the joints that are found in your head.
while they're soft in a youth,
in an oldster (god's truth),
they will harden ? but stop once you're dead.
"
"giving cash to the banks ? one way which
our prez stopped their collapse in the ditch.
but economists shout
that this quick bailing out
was a welfare scam hatched for the rich.
"
"a rocket or spacecraft, i've heard,
like a plane, can be labeled a bird.
and i guess ufos
could as well, although those
i must say are completely absurd.
"
"from a dolphin, this satin-smooth oil
as a lubricant eases your toil.
what a horrible plan:
flipper juice in a can!
was the rest of the beast left to spoil?
"
"were you drinking last night with that boozer?
what ever possessed you to choose her?
every once in a while
she breaks out with a  smile.
guess those flying pink snakes must amuse her.
"
"you call this piece of crap ""conformed copy""?
it is error-strewn (""pappy"" is ""poppy""),
so the judge's chief clerk
tossed it out. you big jerk!
your best copy's incredibly sloppy.
"
"life has treated a convict named julie
in ways best decribed as ""most cruelly.""
she resides in the can
since she learned that her man
turned her in to the cops. he's a stoolie.
"
"the ropes hold her tight ? not a twitch
can she make as the crowd screams, ""burn, bitch!""
and it strikes no one odd
that she cries out to god
as the burning times puts down a witch.
"
"dear friend,
i was misunderstood;
the king's sheriff's essentially good.
so disbandment we bellow;
to home now, good fellow.
we'll work for king john.
???????????	robin hood
"
"my wife shook her head, and said, ""brad,
your changeableness is just mad.
you've been chloe, then drew,
then you turned into sue.
if you'd make up your mind, i'd be glad.""
"
"a cornett? spelling error, you think.
but it's not, i reply with a wink,
for unlike a cornet,
this one's wood, you can bet.
if in germany, ask for a zink.
"
"""an assassin? that's nothing,"" he said.
""i've no fear i'll be slain in my bed.
take a bad hit of meth?
face a fiery death?
it's the loss of your love that i dread.""
"
"when they asked me to join as a shriner
i said, ""no, i'm a lifelong decliner.
i refuse to say 'yes,'""
and so that's my best guess
why some shriner delivered a shiner.
"
"doctor frankenstein, soon this huge man'll
be alive thanks to juice you can channel
from the next lightning bolt.
give your monster a jolt
by adjusting controls on your panel.
"
"audie murphy, while fighting alone,
called for close support fire in his zone  ?
shoot as  close as you can
'cause i'm telling you, man,
soon the jerries will answer this phone.
"
"this is natural. no need to run.
this eclipse has just barely begun.
it will soon come about
our moon's profile blots out
rays of light we receive  from the sun.
"
"in the game that we call tic tac toe,
place a circle (we call it an ""oh"")
scribe the sign that comes next
decussately (x'd):
then repeat each as onward we go.
"
"for a decade, no sex with my mate,
but tonight i'm aroused for our date.
all our mating's long-planned,
so i don't understand
why our kids are 6, 7, and 8.
"
"have you washed up today, mr. north?
cleansed your body before you go forth?
nurse, my morning ablution
can't reach a solution
till you bring me some soap and a cloth.
"
"""forgive me,"" i said to the nurse,
""i was wrong to shout out and to curse.
but your negligent care
caused my stitches to tear
and has made my infection much worse.""
"
"you've harassed me, thus causing me grief.
from your vitriol, there's no relief.
i find need to inquire
at the source of your ire,
so, i'm asking you: please, what's your beef?
"
"here in heaven we suffer a dearth
of frivolity, not like on earth.
in that place you'll remain,
a long life to attain,
since your misery fills us with mirth.
"
"a mortician's in charge at a wake
where he makes sure the service is jake.
although we live in terror
of making an error,
he can bury his own grave mistake.
"
"today's essay will be about racing.
as you write, you must use double spacing.
thus, you'll find there'll be seen
a blank line in between
every line of the type you are placing.
"
"i've acquired fine art but none's bought,
so with feelings of doubt i am fraught.
my matisse and van gogh
were both stolen, you know.
can they hang in my cell if i'm caught?
"
"said a penguin, de-icing her feather,
""i am sick of antarctica's weather.
so let's leave, all us birds,
to get warm. yes, the word's
commigration: we'll migrate together.""
"
"though his name's often linked with timidity,
ambrose burnside, with seeming rapidity,
gained a great reputation
while serving his nation
as a symbol of wartime stupidity.
"
"one political party is sour.
their demeanor is nasty?they glower
and complain of pols' tricks
they're determined to nix:
the same tactics they used while in power.
"
"hump was deafened by wind ? didn't hear
what the jumpmaster yelled in his ear:
""please, don't jump, hump, you chump,
or you'll wind up a lump,
'cause your chute's over there, on your chair.""
"
"at the outset, the battle seemed won
since the rebs were surprised at bull run.
but a southern attack
pushed the boys in blue back,
and a northern rout soon was begun.
"
"on this show, many players will squeal
as each case that they choose will reveal
a prize picked to delete.
when each round is complete,
howie asks, ""is it deal or no deal?""
"
"if the smell that emits from your pits
clearly gives all those close to you fits,
there's a way you can cope
if you run out of soap:
use some right guard ? just give it a spritz.
"
"beg your pardon, please, don corleone.
tommy dorsey just called on the phone.
says he cannot refuse
that last offer from youse.
now, your donship, i'll leave you alone.
"
"when you're drilling a hole in some wood,
to determine its depth you then could
use a depth gage, a tool
for interior rule,
so you don't bore clean through, which is good.
"
"there once was a man from nantucket
who worked an old dredge. while its bucket
could scoop mud and clay
from the depths of the bay,
much newer machines say, ""oh, suck it.""
"
"the king's deathsman thought hanging a joke,
and he'd laugh and give culprits a poke
just to watch them all lurch:
""don't fall off of your perch!""
then he'd chortle while watching them choke.
"
"de-access? oh, you want to sell
some item not serving you well.
and that word's so i'll see
you're a what? ph.d.?
i'm not buying your crap. go to hell!
"
"in the lake, robert started to sink.
that's when christopher, quick as a wink,
made an eight-point-five dive,
found his buddy alive,
and then fished him from out of the drink.
"
"my broker's outside on his ledge,
since he swindled us all with his hedge.
he depleted our dough
and we hope he'll let go.
he's as crooked as this limerick's edge.
"
"i believe it's incredibly silly
to use overblown words willy-nilly.
when a phrase can be filled
with the simple word gild,
only fools use ""deaurate a lily.""
"
"if an even stock swap deal is made
off the record, it's called a crossed trade.
it's a practice that's banned
since exchange guys demand
a fair shot at the price to be paid.
"
"i was dressed to the nines. hoped some girl
would be thrilled (or at least wouldn't hurl).
but the dames thought my duds
were, at best, elmer fudd's,
or might suit, in a pinch, minnie pearl.
"
"these two words cause my temper to spark:
for a ride in my car i embark.
on the parkway i drive,
up until i arrive,
but when there on the driveway i park.
"
"dear sir: your last order is short
since a writ called distringas was brought
by the sheriff who seized
all my stock. i'm displeased
since it's just so i'll show up in court.
"
"as our conscience, elizabeth chace
believed slavery the nation's disgrace,
so her home was a station ?
an escaped slave's salvation ?
when he needed a good hiding place.
"
"the electrical line has a loop
where it enters the house. what's the scoop?
that's a drip loop so rain
has a way it can drain
and not short out your line, thus the droop.
"
"the art critic said, with a smirk,
""that's a ripoff you painted, you jerk.
just why did you bother
to paint whistler's father?
that piece is derivative work.""
"
"take your primer in hand, if you please,
and the alphabet now we'll reprise.
we'll begin by reciting,
and then practice writing,
to drill in and learn abcs
"
"our bomber leaped high as the load
from its bomb rack screamed down to the road,
blasting enemy tanks
and young soldiers in ranks.
with mixed feelings, we watched them explode.
"
"your attention! this head-on attack
may be suicide. lacking the knack
for this leadership role,
and with death not my goal,
while you guys charge ahead, i'll drop back.
"
"as the gold miners exit the lift
to a level path known as a drift,
which runs right by the vein
of the ore, they refrain
from pocketing gold as a gift.
"
"sink a drill string of pipes in the earth
in the hope you'll hit something of worth.
just keep twisting the pipe
down the bore, and don't gripe
should you fail. of success, there's a dearth.
"
"i beseech you, o god, supreme being,
i need help. that's my pain you are seeing.
please, through your son, jesus,
attend this deesis:
send flomax to aid me in peeing.
"
"you made trouble; i think that's a shame.
it's your fault?that's what people will claim.
but your nonchalant style
and your cheshire cat  smile
means you've someone in mind you can blame.
"
"my poor fido is nowhere around.
though i searched, just his collar was found.
with no dog tag i.d.,
folks can't trace him to me
but i hope he'll be found at the pound.
"
"in old cornwall's the village of drift,
where the guide must give tourists short shrift:
""on your right stand drift stones.
end of tour,"" he intones.
so most visitors go away miffed.
"
"a dock-walloper, that's what i be.
longshoreman or lumper, that's me.
i unload, check, and sort
what the buyers import
when their transports return from the sea.
"
"someone kicked in my door, broke the doorcase
(the frame found surrounding the door face).
if they break in once more,
what is waiting in store
is... they're back! get the gun and bring more mace.
"
"to the root beer game once i aspired,
to grow wealthy and happily retired.
but i drank too much pop;
breaking wind wouldn't stop.
so the boss tossed me out: ""you're dehired.""
"
"guide a wire or wires through holes
in a drawplate  to foster your goals
of squeezing them out,
longer, thinner, no doubt ?
then just package them up on spooled rolls.
"
"cold red sand miles and miles all around,
and not one trace of life can be found.
thought we'd aim for the stars,
but we crashed here on mars
and its dismalness sure gets you down.
"
"the police came for dad (on the lam),
and they smashed in the door at the jamb.
back went dad to the jail,
and they told me to nail
the damn doorpost myself. mad? i am!
"
"i know that a bowler's a guy
who rolls balls at ten pins on the fly.
he sticks fingers in holes
on the ball that he bowls,
and he'll drink all the beer you can buy.
"
"bruce bennett (real name herman brix)
starred as tarzan ? the best in the flicks.
for his b-movie fame,
many roles he would claim
from the stooges to soldiers to dicks.
"
"so he's found a new way he can go:
on a donkey that's tired and slow.
he can still make his trip,
but it's not really hip
to be out on your ass in the snow.
"
"high taxes have taken away
things that santa most needed: his sleigh
and his elves and his shop,
but that won't stop old pop
from delivering gifts christmas day.
"
"he defrauds folks. he lies and he cheats
all who trust and believe his deceits.
he will promise to double
your cash, but the trouble:
he rips off each sucker he meets.
"
"those damn termites devoured my doorsill
of pine, which i found made a poor sill.
now i've one of white oak,
which makes most insects choke.
it's a ""termites-ain't-eating-no-more sill.""
"
"""won't be long,"" said the doc with assurance;
still the wait was a test of endurance.
then he finally said,
""yes, he's certainly dead.""
time to phone and collect the insurance!
"
"due to rain on the plane up in spain,
due to both pilots drunk on the plane,
due to engines' half-power,
due to naps in the tower,
due to these, on the ramp we remain.
"
"soon the kids will have something to cheer. oh,
their joy for a new action hero.
by downplaying his gore
soon the folks will adore
the cool way that they'll disneyfy nero.
"
"double action means each time you yank
on the trigger while robbing the bank,
the gun's hammer gets cocked,
then, at some point, unlocked,
so your shot drills unlucky guard hank.
"
"i can sure use a drink, me oh my,
but state liquor laws strictly apply.
you just can't buy a drink
so the parties all stink.
not a bottle in sight ? we've gone dry.
"
"i'm a marvelous shot (so i've claimed).
annie oakley, quite clearly, i've shamed,
for, when i fire a shot,
any object i pot
is the target at which i had aimed.
"
"once the drop kick was part of the game
but it's obsolete now. what a shame.
when the ball was more round
it would bounce off the ground
in a way that reflected your aim.
"
"my old age, i am glad to relate,
has not altered my regular state.
six a.m.'s when i pee,
seven: bowels break free,
but i don't hit the bathroom till eight.
"
"a block is a segment of track
with a signal so trains don't go ""smack.""
the signal will show
when to stop or to go
(assuming it's not out of whack).
"
"the vet said you should have been wary
of that bird std. your canary
caught a bad case of herpes
(in birds, it's called chirpies)
from a toilet seat up in its eyrie.
"
"the expense one might likely incur meant
a choice that could lead to deferment.
should one trade a fine coffin
(which loved ones want often)
for disposal, a cheaper interment?
"
"a golf ball mis-hit just last week
has altered your looks. your unique,
lovely face i recall;
it's been marred by that ball ?
freckled forehead, pert nose, dimpled cheek.
"
"at the opera, i'd soon fall asleep,
and dope off in a coma so deep
you'd assume i took ether.
then pam would unsheathe her
sharp elbow: ""no snoring, you creep!""
"
"at the picnic, we gathered to tug
on a rope. but some oversized lug
yanked us all off our feet
and our loss was complete
since our pull didn't work. we was drug.
"
"a cache can hold valuables, trash,
hidden ammo, or moonshiner's mash.
but in no way, i say,
should you say it cachet?
those who mix these two need a good smash.
"
"the didactylous (two-toed) sloth heaves
his body high up and retrieves
his victuals in trees.
when he's hungry, then he's
the uncouth type who eats shoots and leaves.
"
"""there's a man lying dead in the street!
send some help!"" came a pitiful bleat.
""no assistance required.
my husband's just tired.
he is not dead ? he's only dead beat.""
"
"you can drydock your boat or your barge
and repair all their leaks, small or large.
in the dry dock, they'll scrub
all the rust off your tub?
ask for larry, the guy who's in charge.
"
"being croised, this crusader enjoys
no renown for the stealth he employs.
he's a medieval tank
and his metal parts clank,
so the heathens are warned by his noise.
"
"this important dispatch case you'll bring
with the greatest of haste to the king.
the case holds the treaty
that makes peace complete. he
must seal it, once signed, with his ring.
"
"dusk to dawn from cheap liquor you've stunk,
and you weave through each day in a funk.
want more proof? you're a mooch
when you run out of hooch.
confirmedly, mom, you're a drunk.
"
"down i zoom on the snow-covered slope
with a recklessness only a dope
would attempt on these skis
toward those oncoming trees.
will i safely avoid them all? nope.
"
"the comet was messerschmitt's rocket,
so fast that they barely could clock it.
its designer said, ""wheels?
this is one of those deals
where the landing gear's not on the docket.""
"
"sad and drunk, bill would sit by my side
while, on stage, evil drink i'd deride.
unrepentant, this boozer
epitomized ""loser""
and steered folks from hooch. but he died.
"
"at rorke's drift (a south african ford)
the zulus advanced in a horde.
but the british beat back
their ferocious attack
though vastly outnumbered ? good lord!
"
"as a staple, a good movie's plot
will demand that the hero be shot.
the excitement should build?
will he really get killed?
no, he's fine?although  creased quite a lot.
"
"this detainment is lawful, amigo.
you must show them you're legal, rodrigo.
your complexion makes clear
you weren't born around here.
step aside. i'm a white guy, let me go.
"
"arthur's funeral left folks aghast
since he died in a full body cast.
so they plugged what was open
with mortar while hopin'
his final disposement went fast.
"
"said the colonel, ""our last dress parade
showed us not at our best, i'm afraid.
seems most marched minus shoes
while in cutoff dress blues,
and displayed many frayed bits of braid.""
"
"on a picnic, foods stay at their best
if they're stored in a cool box? a chest
you can buy at small price
and then fill up with ice.
yours is sheathed in gold plate? i'm impressed!
"
"the red fruit on this cactus? divine.
and as fuel, its stiff branches are fine.
a chichipe fire
is a sight to admire.
cook the fruit, but don't choke on a spine.
"
"in the park in a tree, there's a hole
where a spy hides his goods in the bole.
then his comrade comes by
to retrieve, on the sly
from this cut-out, the info he stole.
"
"as a youngster, beginning life's race,
i competed at leisurely pace.
as i aged, then i ran,
but i've learned that i can,
at the best, just attain second place.
"
"a bull wheel can drive smaller gears
on a tractor you might buy at sears.
it's a rope round a drum
that makes heavy things come
when attached at the rear of john deeres.
"
"i awoke every morning and cussed.
in my eye sockets, fingers i thrust
to remove the debris
from my eyes so i'd see.
decrustation each day was a must.
"
"the queen's lover knelt, filled with dread,
as the king raised a sword o'er his head.
""i should smite you, you turd,
but the queen has my word ?
so i dub you a good knight instead.""
"
"i mixed vodka and gin and drambuie
with absinthe, mezcal and chop suey.
i added molasses
and filled up our glasses.
it's tasty but awfully chewy.
"
"my doctor had learned his phrenology
(the study of bumps) while in college. he
examined my skull
and took no time to mull.
""you're a moron,"" he said. no apology.
"
"use a backsaw when cutting the fine
wooden parts?like  a tenon or spline.
precise joints, as a rule,
need the next smaller tool,
where the dovetail's the saw that will shine.
"
"there's a skeleton propped by the door.
asked my cellmate, ""just what is the score?""
""that poor guy, for his crime,
received life, plus a dime.
though he's dead, he must serve ten years more.""
"
"on the sea, bp crude bubbles up
by the barrel and not by the cup.
in the marshlands, on shore,
there are sights men deplore.
will our world as we know it end? yup.
"
"said the queen, ""to one wish we must cling:
that some day we'll possess just one thing.
we would like a man's balls,
since our lack of them galls.
if we just had a pair, we'd be king.""
"
"we ate out, in my dream, 'neath a willow,
and of marshmallow i ate my fill. oh!
this dream did evoke
pleasant thoughts. i awoke
and perceived i was missing my pillow.
"
"i admire van gogh's starry skies,
and rembrandt's smart hollander guys.
i presume you'll agree
there's some artist in me
since, at times, i've been known to draw flies.
"
"you're an airhead who's dorky, and thus
you are foolish and doltish. don't cuss.
now, your underwear goes
on your ass, not your nose ?
stick your legs in the holes and don't fuss.
"
"in the movies, we've seen john doucette
play the toughest guy heroes have met.
injun chief to mob boss,
he's a man you don't cross.
if you did, it's an act you'd regret.
"
"define devastator? name of a plane,
and two vessels which once sailed the main,
superheroes with pluck,
and a big monster truck,
plus a peak in volcanic terrain.
"
"i crawled in with a tootsie named cass,
but her cooties assembled en masse.
i abandoned my lust
and leapt up in disgust
as her bedbugs made hash of my ass.
"
"on a bank by a bog, my old truck
lost the use of its brakes ? my bad luck.
the truck hurtled downhill,
causing cargo to spill
as it barrel-assed into the muck.
"
"poor buddy. his wife was demonic?
she dosed him with oil (crotonic),
which caused his demise.
said his spouse, through her sighs,
""those dumb docs thought his illness was chronic.""
"
"once again i awake to the streaming
sweet sunlight, which ends my night's dreaming.
it's my goal when i die
to meet god, riding high,
in my sleep, with my passengers screaming.
"
"""the world will soon end!"" says this guy,
harold camping. ""in may, we will fly
up to god in the rapture.
our souls he will capture
(though i know i guessed  wrong my first try).""
"
"we shall duel in this glen just at one
for our honor, both too proud to run.
after choosing our weapon
ten paces we're steppin'?
you've chosen a sword. i've a gun.
"
"let us congregate ? all join together,
but this barn isn't safe from the weather.
if tornadoes should come,
we will scatter, like chum,
and then disgregate ? run hell-for-leather.
"
"dribs and drabs: we just can't let you pay
off your debt in this haphazard way.
give us dollars, not dimes.
though we know it's hard times
your arrearage still causes dismay .
"
"dis ya car dat youse wants to be towed?
i'll hook up. get you offa da road.
you don't got triple a?
den big bucks you must pay
and in cash. we don' like bein owed.
"
"mike dukakis (got voters' rebuke),
edwin snider (no ball-playing fluke),
some obscure butterflies,
an old brit paper size,
and john wayne, western star: they're called ""duke"".
"
"life at sea has pernicious effects:
scabby knees from hard scrubbing of decks;
skin the texture of leather
from sea spray and weather;
plus it's donkey's years since i've had sex.
"
"""what past jobs have you had felling trees?""
""deafforested egypt. huge fees!""
""who you kidding, o'mara?
that's desert: sahara.""
""it is now. my best feat, if you please.""
"
"oh, amphibian guy, may this ode
on your virulent frame be bestowed.
though you make some folks sick,
you are my sundae pick ?
i just love licking toad a la mode.
"
"at the tavern, each saturday night,
the tradition's to close with a fight.
but if no one is mussed up,
it's not called a bust up.
damn reporters should get that term right.
"
"a cranioclast, as a tool,
was perceived as excessively cruel.
many viewed it with dread
since it crushed down the head
of a fetus. ""save mom"" was the rule.
"
"in his safe house in abbottabad,
osama thought, ""i can't be had.""
but a seal rifle coughed,
and bin laden was offed.
now he sleeps with the cod and the shad.
"
"there's no way you can win in this duel.
while his words were offensive and cruel,
he's a masterful shot?
that is something you're not?
and you're crosseyed, you ignorant fool!
"
"sorry, boss, i'm a tad late today.
appears clock drift has caused my delay.
my alarm clock ran slow.
i reset it but, lo,
it's on asian time, not u.s.a.
"
"our old sofa, my bicycle pump,
thirteen bags full of leaves, a tree stump,
last month's papers in bales ?
all get dumped on the scales
when we jettison junk at the dump.
"
"who's the guy who invented the broom?
(although ""guy"" is a lot to assume.)
whether female or male,
they have swept clean their trail
in the dustbin of history's gloom.
"
"your home's mortgage? no payments were made.
the insurance and taxes weren't paid.
so those failures mean those
that you owe must foreclose.
you're now homeless, dishoused, i'm afraid.
"
"a dogger's an ancient dutch boat,
or a rock stratum worthy of note,
or a person who'll screw
while within public view,
or the name of an epoch remote.
"
"at the pet store, the manager said,
""here's your kitten. be sure that he's fed.
you should really invest
in a cat post,"" he stressed,
""or your sofa and chairs he will shred.""
"
"command guidance ensures nasa's rocket
puts the space shuttle where they can dock it.
since the shuttle's pass?,
they might give it away,
or, on pawn stars, perhaps try to hock it.
"
"a cleaning pad helps when you rub
to remove your pan's calcified grub.
it's supposed to save time
by displacing the grime.
still you scrub, and you scrub, and you scrub.
"
"since disclosure you're now forced to skirt,
when the press asks, reply with a curt
""i've no comment today,""
and then leave?don't delay?
lest you're tempted trade secrets to blurt.
"
"we have gas for a thousand miles, sport.
at five hundred, we'll have to abort
and turn back with this plane.
there is nothing to gain
if we empty our tanks and crash short.
"
"a bunker (boom!) buster destroys
all the space a dictator enjoys.
concrete rooms underground
can no longer be found
once this laser-aimed missile deploys.
"
"your kendo opponent's big vic,
a contendent who's eager and quick.
six-foot-nine and four-eighty,
to fight him off, matey,
you'll need the whole tree, not a stick.
"
"my discourtesy, some might submit,
was a gross-out, quite lacking in wit.
still i don't think it rude
to converse through my food.
i am far too well-mannered to spit.
"
"try to leave me? there's nothing to do
but to purchase a gallon of glue,
slather on the whole jug,
and then give you a hug,
holding tight till i'm bonded to you.
"
"when this tubing is placed where you pee,
its insertion does not promote glee.
to my great consternation,
the next demonstration
has the students all try it ? in me.
"
"what's this rock at the door? it's a whopper.
it must weigh ninety pounds. is it proper
to place such a block
in the way? place your stock
in an everyday wedge-shaped doorstopper.
"
"doctors claim you're my kid. i still say
that you're nothing to me. dna
tests conclusively show
you should share in my dough,
but disownment will save all that pay.
"
"richard denning was five-o's first gov;
he was lucy's prime radio love.
fought in creature's lagoon;
as mike shayne made molls swoon;
and his war service proved him no dove.
"
"i asked jan if she relished hot-tubbing.
she sure did. so her back i was scrubbing
when her husband came home,
pushed my head in the foam,
and then thrashed me. i got a good drubbing.
"
"haven't read edward dorn, not a thing,
though he had one big fan: stephen king.
steve used gunslinger, wove
an immense treasure-trove,
made a bundle of money. ka-ching!
"
"by their feats, men of iron inspire,
saving maids from predicaments dire.
they'll tackle each villain
when others aren't willin',
braving bullets, explosions and fire.
"
"with discumbency, people recline
near supine at the table to dine.
all the ancients did so,
but my wife tells me, ""no!
never! nyet! there's no way! that means 'nein'!""
"
"at the airport, my heart starts to pound
when our aircraft must circle around
and around till they say,
""land on five. it's ok.""
i can breathe once the wheels touch the ground.
"
"my ascent to the top was all planned;
i would offer the boss my demand:
a step up and a raise,
six weeks off (sixty days),
but my terrible math got me canned.
"
"thomas dorr took great pains to promote
his belief that white males should all vote.
r.i. pols blocked the door
so he set off a war,
but the dorr war received  little note.
"
"your new boyfriend's been charged with some crimes
but they're basically nickel-and-dimes.
seems the thing he does best
is resisting arrest.
he's been featured on cops fifteen times.
"
"""take the oath on a sunday? oh, no!""
so zack taylor that day did not show.
david atchinson says,
""look at me. almost prez!""
but on monday, poor dave had to go.
"
"leave this little privy?  absurd!
i won't go, and i do pledge my word.
there's a rat in this crapper,
and i'm going to trap 'er;
i'll stay here and won't be deterred.
"
"it's a tragedy. no one was thinkin'
your spouse would be shot in a blink 'n'
john wilkes booth mar your night,
but we note with delight
that our play earned your laughs, mrs. lincoln.
"
"the dudgeon's the piece you would grab.
(it's the hilt of a knife made to stab.)
you could use such a dagger
to silence a bragger
or squealer before he can blab.
"
"you'll find blockwork enclosing shop stalls
and garages and buildings and malls.
leave it plain; face with brick ?
its construction is quick ?
pre-cast concrete or cinderblock walls.
"
"you are guilty. you're sentenced, therefore,
to our gaol for life. what is more,
you'll be hanged, drawn and quart'ed;
to queensland deported
(which i think much too lenient crown law).
"
"off he flies, and his travels we trace
as it seems he might soar off in space.
done, he circles to land?
three-point landing is grand?
just too bad it's both feet and his face.
"
"i may puke from this god-awful stew?
it's gelatinous, vermin-filled goo.
it has masses of maggots
all bigger than agates,
and the maggots are dry heaving, too.
"
"dad would give the cold furnace a kick
till the ashes fell down. then he'd pick
out the best of the coal
which we'd find (bless his soul)
in the stockings we hung for st. nick.
"
"that's a lie! and i warn, with all candor,
to say it again  would be slander.
so i'm telling you, sport,
i will sue you in court ?
call me mafia thug, not black hander.
"
"said the boss, ""take the paint in this can.
make a line down the road. that's the plan.""
at day's end there were smiles
since the line went eight miles.
""do the same thing tomorrow then, stan.""
"
"""we will not be disarmed. let them try it.""
the cowboys stood ready for wyatt,
virgil, morgan and doc.
still it came as a shock
when the blast from earps' colts broke the quiet.
"
"your babe's crown-heel length's ninety inches.
at his  birth, you may feel some sharp pinches.
but we'll get that kid out ?
and of that there's no doubt ?
with a come-along, riggers, and winches.
"
"my deposit box, metal and locked,
keeps things safe in a vault. mine has blocked
my ex-wife from accessing
jewels minus my blessing.
for a fact, if she had, they'd be hocked.
"
"the bomb's blast effect smashed in the wall,
shook the rafters, and caused them to fall.
but we'll clear the debris,
and you'll soon again see
our half-empty and unneeded mall.
"
"i'm sure currie will not get to boast
or gain fame as olympic games host.
for that, there's no basis.
no desert oasis,
this town is one spook short of ""ghost.""
"
"round their neck, on a chain, soldiers wear
a small dog tag. that i. d. is there
so their names will be known,
though what's left could be bone,
which goes back to their loved ones who care.
"
"eighteen sixty-five saw its demise,
but this year it seems more and more guys
say secession's  the way ?
they can't wait for the day
the confederate army will rise.
"
"my wife's dying. by god, she's a goner.
but at least we can soon feast upon her.
we're all trapped, minus hope,
since we trusted that dope
who's the cause of our plight, that damn donner.
"
"on the date of his birth (d.o.b.)
most intelligent people agree.
birthers' question is ""where?""
is this up in the air?
not for mama obama, nor me.
"
"deconsecration? a cleric's request
found us wanting when put to the test.
""take the cross from your door.
you are sacred no more!""
(who cares? we like lucifer best.)
"
"curarization first made me relax.
it's amazing how fast that stuff acts.
now i'm stiff as a board
i can't move. oh, my lord!
i'm in vat twenty-four: house of wax!
"
"a drift pin is placed in a hole
where enlarging or joining's your role.
it aligns so a rivet
can fit in. just give it
a hammer whack, if that's your goal.
"
"aeroembolisms hurt you like mad.
those air bubbles in veins are all bad.
come up slow when you dive
so the ""bends"" don't arrive
when you surface. good luck to you, lad.
"
"a deadeye's a marvelous shot;
deadeye dick has a vonnegut plot;
plus, a deadeye, you'll note,
is a block on a boat,
and a line can be run through its slot.
"
"what's the stuff that is stuck to your stud?
is it dirt, bits of food, muck or mud?
does that poop, paint, or oil
cause  your senses to roil?
no matter. it's all known as crud.
"
"if in heaven your limericks won't sell,
and they're curtained, and marked: ""do not tell!""
then i guess it is best
that you find final rest
in old nick's hall of fame. (just as well.)
"
"nancy lives by the beach on cape cod.
from her porch she sees visitors plod
through the waves in hyannis.
they don't know that her man is
interred, by her hand, in her yard.
"
"at dunkirk, the british seemed beat
and were doomed to an utter defeat.
but from england came ships
and small boats making trips
that enabled a fighting retreat.
"
"congressperson matilda mcpherson,
you've won and the losers are cursin'.
hie you off to d.c.
where we shortly will see
who you're equal or better or worse'n.
"
"hey, noah. the animals balk,
from the elephants down to the stork.
they insist that your boat
is unlikely to float
since the bottom is losing its caulk.
"
"at his prayer, they're inclined to demur.
all the ladies are loathe to concur.
""there's no way, father jim,
you can know he's a him.
we insist that your he may be her.""
"
"the twins soiled their diapers, no doubt,
and the odor is grossing me out.
will you change those poor girls
before somebody hurls?
take the diapers off, someone. disclout!
"
"while racing my steed on its course,
a peasant impeded my horse,
then was smashed to the path,
thus arousing my wrath
since he showed not the slightest remorse.
"
"all the country folk view us with pity
since we can't keep live food in the city.
they'll eat horse meat or lamb;
fry some beef; cure a ham.
we must munch on a dog or a kitty.
"
"deviationists strayed from the line
that the commies had dared to define.
if you're weren't solid red
you'd be soon stiffly dead.
like the mob, no one got to resign.
"
"in the summer, we'd go to the fair
and head straight for the smashing ride there.
as our pals rode the dodgem,
we'd try to dislodge 'em?
all focused on hitting them square.
"
"i'm aware my plea's met with derision,
but, general, i need your decision.
if the foe should attack,
we must push their troops back
with a corps ? not a measly division!
"
"splay me out on the rack. i may balk,
but despite all the pain, i won't squawk.
you can lash me with whips
or stick hooks in my lips:
cruciation cannot make me talk.
"
"if a patient should happen to wet
his hospital bed, you can bet
there's a trick they apply
so he stays high and dry:
a draw sheet's the thing he will get.
"
"once john denver sang songs of the high
he attained in a cold rockies  sky.
he could soar like the birds
in his music and words,
but his handmade machine failed to  fly.
"
"as we lolled on the porch in the summer,
came a man with his case (he's no bummer),
pushing trinkets and notions,
pots, pans, salves, and potions:
a salesman who's known as a drummer.
"
"on the very first dollar bill's face
was the treasurer, salmon p. chase.
chase's mug you could view
on the ten-thousand, too,
if you saved enough ones to replace.
"
"there are times a good lawyer's essential:
when drunk-driving in rainstorms (torrential);
for a hurricane's loss;
when you're suing your boss;
or for crimes judges deem penitential.
"
"to my kids, i'm the barbecue king,
with the will to grill any ol' thing.
but my steaks come out charred,
way too tough, black and hard,
so my wife hides the grill every spring.
"
"not all limericks are lusty or lewd,
or filthy, obscene, or just crude,
or have purposes shady
unfit for a lady,
but clean ones? all those i've eschewed.
"
"they'll eradicate cancer and flu,
and all species of viruses, too.
of these things we'll be rid
but i'm telling you, kid,
they can not end my true love for you.
"
"korea was chinese no more,
nor formosa's small islands offshore:
both were lost in the fight
(much to nippon's delight)
in the first  chino-japanese war.
"
"had a mule and she had what it takes
to haul goods up-canal to great lakes.
my good mule (her name's sal)
trod the erie canal
and died pulling. i guess that's the breaks.
"
"when the curtain accused me of rape,
i protested, my mouth wide, agape.
""i deny having been in
that cover of linen.""
still, the court found me guilty of drape.
"
"through a bower of trees full and thick
flows a creek, also known as a crick.
other cricks cause a spasm?
a person who has 'em
should go see the neck doctor, quick.
"
"for canals is old venice renowned,
and in birmingham some can be found.
painted ladies of night
think both cities a fright,
since the streetwalkers there might get drowned.
"
"all my friends you've unceasingly harried.
sex is vapid and dull, never varied.
we've made no churchly vow,
so explain to me how
you can treat me as if we were married.
"
"harry settled to live with his hooker,
a bit haggy but still a good-looker.
but at night he's alone
since past customers phone;
assignations abound when they book her.
"
"celebrating the birth of our nation,
we've assembled in one safe location.
an explosive display
will be set off today.
start the countdown for detonization.
"
"if you wonder how dark are earth's skies,
then the bortle dark-sky scale applies.
it tells where it's too bright
to pick stars out at night?
that's more places than you might surmise.
"
"my aunt martha attempted to mug me.
so, ok, she just wanted to hug me.
but her breasts (bales of cotton),
and her breath (rank and rotten),
made me wish she would nevermore bug me.
"
"a mohegan named sorjoynt, in transit,
spent the night with a tribe (narragansett),
who by chance had a mohel.
""on your foreskin's a boil?
shall i circumcise here or just lance it?""
"
"broadcast journalist? oh, no. not me.
though i speak of events on tv,
there are facts i abuse
and a bias i choose,
so no murrow or cronkite i'll be.
"
"as a dowser, i watch two sticks quiver
to find water, deep down, to deliver
in exchange for some cash.
i walk head down and  ? splash!
dowser drowns after fall in the river
"
"if, like shriveled and parched vegetation,
you dry out (undergo desiccation),
quit your job as a guide,
find employment inside,
or at least seek a source of hydration.
"
"daddy fell down a well early monday,
so we know that it wasn't his fun day.
father caused us a fright
but we think he's all right:
he stopped yelling for help late on sunday.
"
"when you promised to marry me, sue,
i made plans: there'd be just me and you.
but i now find instead
that you're married to fred.
double dealer! not one word was true.
"
"""take it easy, now, skip. keep it real.
please don't vent the emotions you feel.
just calm down. breathe out slow.
let disturbing thoughts go,
and then go with the flow, even keel.""
"
"beer and milk, beer and wine made a drink
that was surely repulsive, i think.
it was balderdash (eeew!);
no one's pique would accrue
if you tossed the whole thing down the sink.
"
"""but my hair is encrisped,"" said the girl.
""every day it is set in a curl.
alas, heat and humidity
undo its rigidity,
in the course of each day, curls unfurl.""
"
"if you're shaping a groove or a rabbet,
combination's the plane you should grab. it
so smoothly removes
wood from lines that it grooves,
fellow woodworkers may try to nab it.
"
"i'm quite affluent. no, it's not bad.
with my riches, i always feel glad.
i suppose you can guess
why i'm such a success:
from hard work? no, twelve million from dad.
"
"your gross insults can not be dismissed.
you've inflicted great pain, and i'm pissed.
time to put up your dukes
and receive my rebukes ?
now lift up your fists, i insist.
"
"when a printed book has a mistake,
a correction's not easy to make.
an erratum-based list
is tipped in to assist
in revealing to readers what's fake.
"
"my girl won't admit to a fart,
though the noise causes neighbors to start.
she'll deny, much chagrined,
that she ever broke wind,
even when people's eyes start to smart.
"
"for some men with ed, sex is brief,
but cialis and such bring relief.
it works well, by the way,
since the ladies can't say,
in a gravelly voice, ""where's the beef?""
"
"wet pulp paper, when squeezed in between
heavy rollers, gets smooth with a sheen
that's a printer's delight ?
it makes pictures pop bright.
that's fine calendered stock that you've seen.
"
"why on earth are your  shelves stacked so neat?
too much order ? i'll trash your retreat.
i'll move objects around
so some stuff can't be found.
to disorganize things ? oh, so sweet.
"
"nacogdoches: one day in the spring.
gold-haired blondes on an east texas swing.
they ask, ""slowly, now, matt.
just pronounce where we're at.""
""yes, right... now... you... are... in... buurrggeerr kkkiiiinnnggg""!
"
"on tv, you can watch people fish
thanks to signals received on your dish.
pictures come in just great
on that aerial plate
and you don't have to pay. (yeah, you wish.)
"
"if your mother should happen to slam
dear old dad in the head with a ham,
i'd peruse the debris
to determine if she
should go free or else go on the lam.
"
"romney thinks his past views are erasable?
like an etch a sketch picture: replaceable.
he hopes voters ignore
what he championed before
but, with video, such things are traceable.
"
"an enthusiast loves and supports
some person or thing, such as sports.
i just can't get enough
of young girls in the buff ?
""are you dreaming again?"" my wife snorts.
"
"as a butler, i felt quite respected,
with my upper-class family, connected.
their bad times, i'm afraid,
make me work as their maid.
it's a comedown i should have rejected.
"
"so the mayans were wrong. this saved man
from an end to this life's earthly span.
just one problem for me ?
i'd have met death with glee
to avoid christmas day with my clan.
"
"a compass card points the way north
and displays other ways to set forth.
it is pinned to the pinnacle
atop of a binnacle.
but can you get lost? why, of courth.
"
"there's arepa and rye and broule,
also pretzels and bagels. some say
they enjoy cornbread, pita,
and some that are sweeter:
god gives us our bread every day.
"
"an eyeshade can be a sun visor,
or blindfold (you're now two facts wiser),
or make-up to paint
my gal's eyes ? dull, they ain't ?
so men gawk, while the ladies despise 'er.
"
"she seemed sweet. i was happy to date her,
till she harshly berated our waiter.
she badmouthed his mother,
his dog, and his brother.
she's a castigator ? ego deflator.
"
"first, he's handcuffed and searched for a key,
then secured in a trunk. soon he'll be
dropped down deep in the lake,
but, folks, make no mistake:
 escapologists always break free.
"
"need your vehicle cleaned in a jiffy?
i'm the one who makes grungy look spiffy ?
for your car, boat or trailer,
a top-notch detailer.
missed a spot? ...there's no need to get sniffy.
"
"the code teacher said, ""please assume
'to encrypt' is no reason for gloom.
words typed through a machine
emerge altered when seen,
but it doesn't mean place in a tomb.""
"
"that's godzilla who's stalking you, dear.
let the audience see that you fear.
show your terror, evincible,
emotion convincible
that his hot breath is burning your rear.
"
"the skipper grabbed hold of the wheel.
""damn  it! helmsman,"" he said. ""what's the deal?
go below if you can't
keep this ship off a slant.
hold it level, no lean, even keel.""
"
"""please encrisp your hair,"" ordered the earl.
""i detest straightened hair on a girl.
you shall never cavort
nor set foot in my court
with your tresses possessing no curl.""
"
"pal, your wife is a looker, ok?
and my wife is one hell of a lay.
a fine one-to-one trade
is just meant to be made:
even-steven. so what do you say?
"
"at the cape is a rocket-topped crawler
that the nasa folks built as a hauler.
it's a giant (not subtle)
that transports the shuttle
to its hardstand. once there, they install her.
"
"at one time, i had liberal views
and my politics leaned toward blue hues.
with tremendous delight
i have veered to the right ?
my brain has been washed by fox news.
"
"i told jed, ""i believes you been tooken
them there catfish i spent all day hookin'.""
well, jed swore it weren't he
as he stomped on my knee?
i could see my straight leg quickly crooken.
"
"to play physical sports is my bane;
an observer is what i'll remain.
no bad leg cramps for me?
i'll watch games on tv
and make eye-strain the way that i strain.
"
"you're a horsefly. you're chrysops ? a deerfly.
you bloodsucker, don't you come near, fly.
your bite brings disease
spread, like typhus, by fleas,
and that makes you  an insect-to-fear fly.
"
"""we've officially split from the crown,""
mr. madison said with a frown,
""and to safeguard our rights,
i'll be spending my nights
constitutively writing them down.""
"
"did the killer of great caesar play
a short musical solo that day?
that is what i have heard,
though it does seem absurd.
""etude, brute?"" was what he'd last say.
"
"there's a bawdy-house down by the sea
with a certain attraction for me.
they've a disney-grade hut
where a couple can rut;
but all lechery must rate as ""g"".
"
"so he's vanished like vapor and i'm
to be punished, though i did no crime.
why should i now be faulted
for a fence that he vaulted ?
and serve an escaper's lost time.
"
"you are skilled in a way past belief,
though that expertness causes folks grief.
from their homes, large and small,
you've extracted your haul,
yet you've never heard someone yell, ""thief!""
"
"on the floor of the sea, your sub's stuck.
now it's time to display navy pluck.
use the door on the deck,
when you exit the wreck,
to escape through that hatch. and good luck.
"
"at the drive-in, a heroine's scream
was unseen through glass murky with steam.
lost in lust's lewd embrace,
teens were smooching apace?
a typical passion pit theme.
"
"on the straightaway, here at the track,
i can hurtle and then i attack
on that cambered steep turn
with more horses to burn ?
holy crap! that damned wall again! (smack).
"
"if the spin on a ball you espy,
count the beats of the wing of a fly,
and are able to note
every  dust spot or mote,
folks would say that you had a good eye.
"
"in my tux, i've a dapper demeanor,
but that dress suit is down at the cleaner.
now with no touch of class,
folks can tell i'm an ass,
a buffoon and, with women, a wiener.
"
"need no diaphoretic to sweat
'cause my brow is already quite wet.
since my girl broke the news,
she's a case of the blues ?
seems her ""regular friend"" ain't shown yet.
"
"our rescuers climbed through the pass
to the ice field, i spied through my glass.
i called, ""men, we are saved!""
then we stood up and waved.
they waved back ? but slid down the cr
??????????????????e
??????????????????v
??????????????????a
??????????????????s
??????????????????s
??????????????????e.
"
"i approach what i do with directness.
i've no time for today's strict correctness.
i'm straight up as can be,
all right angles for me.
be my guest and check out my erectness.
"
"some immoral young women, i've found,
will entice men to access their mound.
they will not settle down;
they spend nights on the town?
that's their lifestyle: to just cat around.
"
"the octomom started her brood
on a table, exposed, in the nude.
but she says not one kid
will have kids like she did:
by a doctor ? syringically screwed.
"
"my new robot's a golfing machine.
it can drive balls the farthest i've seen.
but there's one minor kink
that i have to rethink:
it putts four hundred yards on each green.
"
"come quick! it's a full-blown emergency
and a matter of blood-spurting urgency.
i need a physician
(don't send the mortician!)
for my wound from a recent insurgency.
"
"euthanasia: the word means ""good death"":
pain-free help when you take your last breath.
there's no screaming or crying
as you're peacefully dying ?
not at all like some scene from macbeth.
"
"in creation of kids, i don't rank
and it's turned my wife into a crank.
seems my semen won't gush ?
it's immotile, like mush.
""once again,"" says the wife, ""shot a blank.""
"
"let the chain out and drop it down deep.
mines will catch in the chain as we sweep
'cross the bay's muddy bottom.
but until we have got 'em
and cleared 'em, no man goes to sleep.
"
"when i die and my body's a clump
of decaying flesh, fetid and plump,
place me just how i ask it:
face down in my casket ?
tell the twits they can all kiss my rump.
"
"for my raise, i had planned a recital
of why, as assistant, i'm vital.
but the boss said, ""no raise,
since i'm freezing all pays,
but coadjutant?'s yours, as a title.""
"
"crusty, blunt and direct, this curmudgeon
tells it just like it is, with no fudgin'.
change my ways? show some tact?
tact's the one thing i've lacked,
so, alone, you lost souls, i'll keep judgin'.
"
"bush declared that our fight in iraq
was all over, a brilliant attack.
at the start, our war sizzled
but soon quickly fizzled,
with no end point for when we'd come back.
"
"at eastertide, christians rejoice
at the raising of jesus. they voice
their love for their savior
with churchly behavior,
and my wife says, ""you're going."" no choice.
"
"dolly parton was put to the test
when she fell off the boat with no vest.
her huge boobs were displayed,
and they came to our aid
when  we dragged her ashore, two abreast.
"
"as the man stands in court in the dock,
the judge is soon handed a clock:
it stopped dead at the time
of the dastardly crime.
it's exhibit b now. (a's a wok!)
"
"please admit that your truth has been stretched
and your story's a little farfetched.
otherwise we may think
that your brain's on the blink,
and your mind is a little bit tetched.
"
"so you found your new honey delectable,
and you both had some fun. now detectable,
she's showing a lump
some would call ""baby bump"".
seems, in more ways than one, that's expectable.
"
"john was climbing along the cliff, ledgewise,
and he inched through an opening, edgewise.
then we saw poor john slip
as his feet lost their grip.
now he's trapped between rocks, compressed wedgewise.
"
"once, in business, they named me a whiz,
and my face had its place in ""the biz.""
but my day in the sun
is all over and done.
folks now ask, ""do you know who that is?""
"
"evangelically claiming god's grace,
i am endlessly pleading his case.
here on earth, i act godly
and always smile oddly.
on death, i shall rise to his place.
"
"to this fecal lump fiercely i've clung,
fighting  thief beetles wanting this dung.
soon i'll bury this ball
where my mate, in her thrall,
will deposit the eggs of our young.
"
"all right, my good friend, here's the score:
you have wanted that house on the shore;
sign this contract ? agree
that your payments to me
never end, but go on evermore.
"
"chang: a place cameroonians hang.
harps from persia, once: changs (how they rang!).
ale from thailand: chang beer.
name for yangtze: chang's here.
grand slam tennis, young champ: michael chang.
"
"pass a rope or a hook or a bar
through an eyehole ? that isn't bizarre.
but your eyeball should not
get such things in its slot.
such insertions stretch eyehole too far.
"
"eco-friendly is our little farm:
it's designed to produce little harm
to the local community.
it provides opportunity;
it's fertile and bursting with charm.
"
"of democritus crater i speak.
it's a hole with a small central peak
on the moon and, as such,
it amounts to not much,
though it's named for a more famous greek.
"
"being displed severely means this:
bread and water; a jug for your piss.
you're confined to your cell,
so get used to the smell.
on your way! (but first, give us a kiss.)
"
"don ameche, his mom's pride and joy,
had success but it didn't annoy
his kid brother, jim,
since good luck followed him
playing ""jack...all-american boy.""
"
"doest thou think me, sir robert,  a fool?
or some simpleton just out of school?
warn thy brother tyrone
i must fight thee alone,
since the rule doth forbid a dual duel.
"
"down the sideline we race side by side,
but he can't match my swift easy stride.
as i turn for the ball,
i await the ref's call,
but i'm outside the end line (...i tried).
"
"found the calf that you said was a strayer,
and it seems that a grizzly did slay 'er.
what i saw wasn't neat ?
just some rotten old meat:
a putrescent and flyblown decayer.
"
"at the store, i buy seed, cow manure,
bunch of nails (got a horse, have to shoe'r),
choose a checkout line quick,
but which one should i pick?
the express lane: ten items or fewer.
"
"since my dad and i never agree,
he annnounced (with a measure of glee),
""i've got news for you, bill,
you've been cut from my will.""
that means exheredation for me.
"
"why'd that chump with the bump on his rump
seem so stumped by that lumpious clump?
on that stump he did bump it
and blared like a trumpet.
still the bumpy lump adds to his plump.
"
"""this mustard (dijon?) seems to lack
the flavor i crave on my snack.""
""dijon, that it's not.
but it should be quite hot
in a plaster to put on your back.""
"
"desert varnish adheres to a stone
when, by wind, clay and iron are blown
and collect in the space
of a rock's upturned face
to discolor this hot arid zone.
"
"just before a boat's launched in the bay
wooden blocks brace its stay in its way.
angled dogshores hold fast
till the christening's past,
then they're pulled, and the crowd yells ""hooray!""
"
"blasted starward toward alpha centauri,
maury dreamed of his astronaut glory.
but deep space took its toll
and he hit a black hole ?
there's no glory, no story, no maury.
"
"there's a fan club for me and my band,
but the membership's smaller than planned.
there's just you, and my mom,
stevie's wife, brad, and tom,
and the loan shark we owe forty grand.
"
"a fierce orator, senator bill's
a declaimant combatting life's ills
in a voice full of fury
that sways any jury,
and gives fragile ladies the chills.
"
"an expo (well-known as ""world's fair"" ?
expositions of mercantile ware)
has exhibits galore
you are free to explore,
or take hair-raising rides, if you dare.
"
"no one knows me. i think it's a shame
that i'm fameless. my family's to blame.
i just called mom and dad
and it makes me feel sad
that neither remembered my name.
"
"a cover's the lid on a pot
or a blanket, removed once you're hot.
it's a hideout in war,
means inclusions galore,
and you cover your nose to block snot.
"
"mr. burns dreaded going to bed.
uptight thoughts swirled around in his head.
then one night he felt sure
that his life was secure ?
""think again,"" said old nick. ""now you're dead.""
"
"exhibitioner bob, in the square,
sets his table, an animal fair.
he displays, live or dead,
creatures found round his shed.
don't get bitten, since bob doesn't care.
"
"in their dry desert city, dubai,
they've built towers that reach for the sky.
midst hot sands, you can ski
without hitting a tree
and get frostbite, while locals? they fry.
"
"dad barged into the house in a fury:
""who wrecked jars on the shelves in my ewry?
they contained precious beers,""
he said, almost in tears,
""that i smuggled from guinness's brewery.""
"
"the explosion smacked ed in the scruff
of his neck, tossing ed on his duff.
we had warned him to use
a long time-delay fuse ?
his delay time just wasn't enough.
"
"adolf hitler declared, ""may a pox
soon descend on my dear desert fox.""
though once hitler was partial
to this general so martial,
rommel paid for seditious remarks.
"
"our love's endless and can't be denied.
 i will love you forever,"" you cried.
but i wondered today
if you still felt that way
since you just thrust a spear in my side.
"
"once renowned for my book crime scene hints,
i got sloppy, then canned. ever since,
i've been washing the car
of that ""formerly..."" star,
then i clean and go dusting for prince.
"
"i'm not yellow ?  i'm merely faint-hearted:
avoid trouble, and leave 'fore it's started.
bad things heading my way?
without further delay,
 i am gone. on the road. now departed.
"
"while his spaceship does orbital loops,
he, spacesuit-clad, exits. then ""whoops!""
a long drop to the ocean?
rids his mind of that notion.
he tries latching for safety, but? ""oops!""
"
"beneficently giving to those
who are sick or in need of new clothes,
he makes his donation,
expecting salvation
plus tenfold in profit, god knows.
"
"mickey mantle, your dream i must shatter,
since, although you're a world-famous batter,
in who's who in the game,
the main text shuns your name ?
but in back's one brief line in ""end matter.""
"
"the real age of the earth? so who cares?
 is it epochs or eons? split hairs!
i'm republican, man,
not a scientist, an'
i avoid all such high-brow affairs.
"
"an escape artist, thoroughly bound,
was immersed in a lake. there he drowned.
based upon his commands,
we'd placed cuffs on  his hands.
""double-locked?"" was his last gurgling sound.
"
"the pope's an infallible guy;
on his word, every man can rely.
but poor fallible me
i'm not perfect like he,
and i'm failing the harder i try.
"
"""this damn eave trough,"" our daddy would sputter.
""clogs with leaves every fall,"" he would mutter.
and each year, i recall,
we'd laugh: ""see daddy fall,""
as his ladder slipped off of the gutter.
"
"my aroma has just reached its peak
 and is classified just short of ""reek.""
 yes, indeed, my foul smell
 makes me feel most unwell,
 so i'm changing my undies next week.
"
"the height of high tide's not erratic;
day to day, it is quite automatic.
but tides rise by degrees
when ice melt raises seas?
this sea-level rise is eustatic.
"
"an escapist is he, there's no doubt,
since it's not the first time he got out.
but you'd better not fail
to return him to jail,
or you're taking the place of that lout.
"
"""bunker hill. place our men on that height.""
this the rebels attempted at night.
before dark turned to day,
they got lost on the way,
so that breed's hill's the site of their fight.
"
"digging holes is my prime occcupation.
then i fill in each new excavation.
once i tamp down the ground,
it looks perfectly sound,
undisturbed (pending some exhumation).
"
"here's a coupon worth fifty cents off
on the syrup you buy for your cough.
when you fight nasal flow,
using coupons saves dough,
which is nothing at which you should scoff.
"
"i eye-witnessed a gang hit and so
now the mafia hunts me. oh, no!
seems the one chance i've got
to avoid getting shot:
into witness protection i go.
"
"in the dog days, i loll in the grass
and i pray that the summer won't pass,
since i know that the winter
we soon will go inter,
and then i'll be freezing my buttocks.
"
"some great marksmen, when called to compete,
can hit bulls-eyes a mile off. that's sweet.
that would never be my shot;
it's way out of eye-shot,
since i'm lucky to see fifty feet.
"
"i said to my grocer this morn,
""rising prices have made me forlorn.
you're a pirate, old codger.
hoist up jolly roger.
buccaneer! you charge too much for corn.""
"
"my dad once attempted to prove
that you're not truly drunk until you've
had enough drinky-poos
(a kid's slang name for booze)
that your eyeballs and legs cannot move.
"
"a tough cross-birth will cause mama pain.
since babe's sideways, she pushes in vain.
docs try scooching its head,
but if that fails, instead,
they may call in a derrick or crane.
"
"i was eyeing this girl in the shade.
thought she winked (that's the way the game's played).
so i moved near her space,
but her fist hit my face.
that is how our eye contact was made.
"
"while cornwallis could rightly be blamed,
general clinton deserves to be shamed
for issuing orders
to stay in york's borders.
""we have cornered the brits!"" george exclaimed.
"
"an escapee? we'll have to give chase.
your convict broke out? a disgrace.
i know that it's hard
having inmates to guard,
but you catch him ? or you'll take his place.
"
"weakly, feebly, ascending the sheer
 narrow stairs, the decrepit old dear
 crossed the tv-lit gloom
of a dank living room:
""come on, ma! where the hell is my beer?""
"
"my new girl is an eye-catcher. she's
got some really fine boobs?triple-ds!
guys just gape in a trance,
then if caught, look askance
when she asks for a ten for a squeeze.
"
"do gathered skirts make you look fat?
i believe it would take more than that.
if you added some weight,
i am sure you'd look great.
but, for now, you look bony and flat.
"
"when they cover the core of each bean
 with a coating that's hard with a sheen
 from a sugary dose,
they would say, ""we engross
 jelly beans for the candy machine.""
"
"an estoc (a sword some called a ""tuck"")
had a point on the end which you stuck,
if you could, through chain mail.
but if thrusting should fail,
you could soon be impaled?a dead schmuck.
"
"once a copygraph (hectograph) pad
reproduced printed copies. too bad
that it's no longer used.
but you might be amused?
it's adapted for tatting your dad.
"
"getting lumber? do not play the fool.
check the wood that you've bought with this tool:
it's a measuring stick
that will let you see quick
if they're scamming you. board rules are cool.
"
"said my cornerman, ""step on the gas!
in this ring, you're the best. show your class!
he can't hit you ? he's slow,
hasn't landed a blow.""
""watch the ref, then ? he's kicking my ass!""
"
"a colonial un-guided missile
was a rider named israel bissell,
who yelled like revere,
""the damn redcoats are near!""
his accomplishment makes some folks bristle.
"
"said my dad, ""we must learn, as we grow,
the complete facts of life, son, and so,
the time's come for a chat.""
i said, ""i'm up for that;
so, dad, what are you wanting to know?""
"
"face-to-face, nose-to-nose, chin-to-chin,
we both glare. let the combat begin.
at the end of our bout
there'll be one of us out,
while the other will chalk up a win.
"
"fascination for you? yes, it's there
and it really explains why i stare.
while i fall for your smile
and the flair of your style,
there's smut on my mind, so beware.
"
"while your satchel (at times called a case),
 has your cards, sweets and toys in their place,
 around here, in their school,
 kids will have, as a rule,
 some protection, like condoms and mace.
"
"you've a  card deck that's marked, i'm aware,
but i'll still win this game, i declare.
you'll go down in defeat,
though i never shall cheat
and your ass i will beat, fair-and-square.
"
"chichen itza: the people called mayan
based their empire there, spent years tryin'
life's mysteries to delve,
naming two thousand twelve
as the year when the world will be dyin'.
"
"there are hot dogs and tacos  and fries,
and there's pizza, fried chicken, and pies.
doughnuts, pitas, and chips
all add girth to one's hips
so, then, fast food: avoid it. be wise.
"
"nineteen sixteen: a mexican raid
on the town of columbus was made.
villa's men's night attack
was at last beaten back
by the bravery our army displayed.
"
"through the eyehole, fred watches the lobby,
checking customers out for the mob. he
insists that you say
the right passwords today,
which we know is ""joe sent me,"" not ""bobby....""
"
"english garden, serene, quiet, pleasant,
may be walked through by fox, deer or pheasant;
painters capture this scene,
with fine lawns, broad and green.
""i say, gardener, do please shoot that peasant.""
"
"said the astronaut, ""we're in a scrape.
this moon trip is not in good shape.
first we slowed to a crawl;
now we're starting to fall.
lack of thrust means we make no escape.""
"
"i view chilton and brie with unease,
gorgonzola and such make me sneeze.
only one makes me gush
and still gives me a rush:
yes, it's limbaugh. that's my kind of cheese.
"
"beef tallow (that's rendered beef fats)
once cooked fries in mcdonald's hot vats.
it was used to make candles,
but no good hindu handles
beef tallow reloading his gats.
"
"you teetotalers may not approve:
i imbibe so my nerves start to groove.
i just drink till i'm steady
and know when i'm ready.
i stop when i find i can't move.
"
"a bigwig's a person of fame.
it is said of a man, not a dame.
a huge, powdered wig,
a magnificent rig,
shows his spot at the top of the game.
"
"""off to cordoba,"" m bade me hie.
go to mexico, not knowing why?
argentina? or spain?
by a boat, bus or plane?
i need intel to work as a spy.
"
"the gambler, brow knit in a frown,
watched his faro chip assets go down.
""this is rigged, so they say,
but i still have to play.
it's the only game left in this town.""
"
"if through lines of this limerick you wend,
making turns when the path meets a bend,
you will find you cannot
go beyond this one spot:
the conclusion, known best as the end.
"
"""o, my lord, there has been a delay;
thus your ermine fur's not at the quay.""
""i shall have my fur coats
or you're fed to my goats.""
""be assured you'll be ermined today.""
"
"""with our tower in babel, we'll try,""
 said the folks, ""to ascend to the sky.""
thus the good book implied.
(science since has denied
they could reach heaven one mile high.)
"
"said the faith healer, ""folks, let us  pray
to our god: make this blight go away.
yes, dear lord, we all beg
that you fix his broke leg
and remove gangrened tissue today.""
"
"in my job, i slog daily through sewers,
through waste and assorted manures.
yet i manage my days
in an alcohol haze,
thanks to jim beam, jack daniel's and dewar's.
"
"take hot glass; blow it into a sphere.
swing till sausage-shaped, then you must shear
off the ends; slice it through
in two sheets. you can view
the whole world through this glass, far and near.
"
"mitt romney, in speeches, has faulted
obama (who voters exalted
from the senate to prez)
for his healthcare plan; says
on day one, this insurance is halted.
"
"fat fred was a gluttonous mutt:
ample belly, gargantuan butt.
but the docs trimmed the fat,
so he's now lean and flat
and, in more ways than one, he's clean-cut.
"
"ergophobia burdens my life.
""you are shiftless ? a bum,"" says my wife.
no, the reason i shirk
seeking all kinds of work
is this fear, and it cuts like a knife.
"
"once empire day, it would seem,
was a holiday held in esteem.
but the empire shrank,
so the day's in the tank,
and now commonwealth day is the meme.
"
"mount etna: volcano of rock
that erupts with an earth-shaking shock.
many times in the past
a huge etnean blast
has caused neighbors nearby to take stock.
"
"""we declare nell a witch. hens stop clucking
when she passes them by. swine cease mucking.
seize her now."" so they brought her,
chair-tied, to the water.
""she's no witch if she drowns in this ducking.""
"
"if you die all alone, with no heirs,
and don't tend to your legal affairs,
the state (this is neat),
by a law called escheat,
can claim all you possessed is now theirs.
"
"""let me put my arms round you. my hug
will enfold you and wrap you up snug.
let me squeeze you in tight,
my embrace will delight....""
""keep that mitt of yours off of my jug.""
"
"""devil's paintbrush: my gun,"" said h. maxim,
""fires swiftly and sharply it smacks 'em.
it inflicts sudden  pain,
spewing bullets like rain
on the foe who, unthinking, attacks 'em.""
"
"an old witch, in a fit of largesse
toward a wizard, said, ""clerk, i must stress
that this potion that i'm
sending must be on time;
thus, i'm sending it federal hexpress.""
"
"my friend jim has a strange blue dignotion.
it's a birthmark of ships on an ocean,
in pursuit of a whale
thrashing boats with its tail.
his flexed muscles can put them in motion.
"
"it's fatigue duty most soldiers dread.
when they wish they could just lie in bed,
their top kick (nco)
says, ""grab mops and let's go.
clean the barracks, from front door to head.""
"
"there's a deer trail, well worn, through the dale,
and the deer use it often. a male
sniffed the air, caught my scent,
and straight for me he went.
on the trail, like a deer, i turned tail.
"
"in his cornflower dress, oh, so blue,
john would walk while he thought about you.
but no more will he go
since he now thinks of joe,
who (like him) is a crossdresser, too.
"
"the brits worked on asdic to know
where a submarine hides far below.
it could find german ships
with its echoing  pips
but would often lose track of the foe.
"
"father said, ""hold on, son. this is not
your big chance to put me on the spot.
here's your sex abcs
'bout the birds and the bees.
let me show you what got you begot.""
"
"""my podiatry test? yes, i cheated.
don't fire me, please,"" i entreated.
since they did, heaven knows,
i can not check your toes.
with my clinic now closed, i'm defeated.
"
"a trireme at war would impale
an enemy ship with a nail
in a plank on its prow,
and that corvus is how
roman fighters could board and prevail.
"
"over emin, the art critics gushed
and their squeals of delight can't be hushed.
but i, too, create art,
and it's straight from the heart:
thus, my latest ? my toilet, unflushed.
"
"the strong wind made our racing boat heel,
and our ladies delivered a squeal.
they did not hit the drink
and our craft did not sink,
since the boat sports a  fin on her  keel.
"
"""a huge meal combines breakfast and lunch,
then supper, then snacks: seems you munch
your whole way through the day
and your stomach will pay ?""
""well, ok. guess i'll just skip the brunch.
"
"just today i was lost, reminiscing
'bout an amish girl once i'd  tried kissing.
but that night in the dark
lacked a requisite spark
since, with her, electricity's missing.
"
"there was jimmy, a great tennis star;
eddie's gang could be found in his bar;
chuck spat winchester smoke;
mike's a ham acting bloke:
they're all connors ? each gave life a jar.
"
"ah, sweet romeo. hark to my call.
you are mine. i am yours. take my all.
like a beacon, the light
through yon window shines bright.
toodle-oo. i am off, to the mall.
"
"seems six dozen he ate at one go
in a contest to win some big dough.
while the first prize was earned
it's his stomach that churned
and the wieners came up in one blow.
"
"there's a homeless man (nicknamed ""luigi"")
who cleans windows on cars with his squeegee.
he collects lots of tips
which he saves up for trips
to the south seas republic of fiji.
"
"you are caught in the autograt's grip
 paying twenty percent. that's a gyp.
 what makes waitstaff so mad,
 and your service so bad,
 is when management pockets the tip.
"
"my intelligence none can dispute;
my features are handsome, not cute;
perfect skin no zits mar;
all my skills above par:
all my flawlessness you can't refute.
"
"go see stagecoach. you will not be bored.
john wayne was the star and he scored
in this action-packed flick
(an academy pick,
and a hit for director john ford).
"
"a medieval weapon, the flail,
worked wonders on armor and mail.
this  stick, with a chain
tied to weights, caused great pain,
and made even the bravest knight quail.
"
"your carelessness makes me disgusted;
 my beloved bach bust is now busted.
see, you split his head there;
and to pay for repair,
you will find your next pay check adjusted.
"
"when my lord gallops off to the fight,
under  escuage i'll be his knight
with my sword and my horse
(at no wages, of course).
i may sleep with his daughter for spite.
"
"the king, our dear ruler so royal,
has departed this harsh mortal coil.
in the battle, my lord,
he forsook his huge sword
and relied on a mere fencing foil.
"
"""fair and balanced,"" we are at fox news,
though of leaning towards right, we're accused.
guests? republican crowd.
leftist views aren't allowed.
we're thus  victims and sorely abused.
"
"have a car and my clothes without fail
outside of this old county jail.
it has only one fence,
 which does not make much sense,
so tomorrow i'll scale it and bail.
"
"the earth holds the moon, doesn't yield
as the sun tries to move it afield.
this change in direction
is labeled evection:
which ptolemy first had revealed.
"
"trim the mainsail. grab lines and pull  hard.
walk the  footrope slung under the yard.
mind the roll of the ship
so your grip doesn't slip,
since the captain dislikes being jarred.
"
"go drop shorty (he's wrapped in this rug)
in the hole in the woods that we dug.
he's been clipped, laid out dead.
now he needs a dirt bed.
say farewell to this terrible thug.
"
"raised wood boardwalks (in many ways grand)
keep bare feet free from hot seaside sand.
in the sun, up above,
is a place most folks love;
making love underneath? that act's banned.
"
"brothers charlie and bob felt empowered
by law to dispatch ""mr. howard"".
but their murder, so messy,
that slaughtered poor jesse
left each being deemed a crass coward.
"
"want your mattress all downy? i've heard
 that the scientists all have concurred:
 it won't readily fluff
 to a light airy puff
 if the feathers remain on the bird.
"
"did it equalize odds, make things even?
 no, your colt didn't help, and you're leavin'
 this earth 'cause he drew
his colt faster than you.
 your slow draw means your widow's a-grievin'.
"
"to the canaanites, el stood for god,
but in spanish,  it's the (ain't that odd?).
it's a lighting display,
trains that whisk you away,
and a ganymede crater (untrod).
"
"though the party is only just starting,
our eyes are now visibly smarting.
and the source of the smell,
as  those here know full well,
is your father. he never stops farting.
"
"flying saucers are not just from space,
though it's common to think that's their place.
i am sure that i'm right
since, one hot steamy night,
my mom threw quite a few at dad's face.
"
"i hope duty and justice prevail
as we start on this year's campaign trail.
but my vote can be bought
 (if we cannot get caught):
for the right wad of cash, it's for sale.
"
"said the ram, ""there has been lots of talk
that ewe're one who has been 'round the block.
so i'm asking you, ewe,
and you, ewe, and ewe, too,
can we all  get together and flock?""
"
"i cannot buy red wine in a bottle,
though other folks? maybe a lot'll.
since my lifestyle is spartan,
i drink from a carton
then sleep like a tired-out tot'll.
"
"near the surface, some coal can be found
though the deep-mined supply's underground.
miners working in teams
dig away carbon seams,
with concerns that the cribbing's not sound.
"
"bad king james is a tyrant! he'll die
when his parliament's blown to the sky.
 we'll dispatch that foul feller
with bombs in his cellar.
the one who will light them is guy.
"
"the creek bed, once parched and so dry,
is now filling with water, so high
that it threatens to flood
our whole town with its mud
since the water's still rising. so, bye.
"
"that worn chair is in need of repair.
we ask everyone not to sit there.
the old seat's too far-gone
to place buttocks thereon
since its springs sting a fair derriere.
"
"double clinch: you will find it could be
holds grapplers employ on the tv,
or a dual lovers' hug,
a nail banged snug,
or a knot holding hooks in the sea.
"
"a novel and play bear his name;
some movies, a video game;
a killer, it's said;
a plant that's blood-red:
count dracula's fame is to blame.
"
"you've got fecal incontinence. whoa!
you can't help it. you just have to go.
and you hope you're discreet
as you race for the seat
since it's best that you go with the flow.
"
"she looked down and she said, ""are you jokin'/
your little guy hasn't woken.""
i swallowed my pride,
then artfully lied:
""an old war wound. the poor thing is broken.""
"
"a fascio ? a union or group ?
transformed as a black-shirted troop.
as these fascists took root
and ruled italy's boot,
then their glory they tried to recoup.
"
"every night feline yowling grew louder
from lust-ridden cats (termed a clowder).
one male sneaked in to mate
with my girl kitty, kate.
now she's pregnant, and couldn't act prouder.
"
"my witch wife showed profound indignation
when she learned i pursued fornication.
she said, ""you'll go to hell
when i finish this spell,""
and resumed some absurd incantation.
"
"these colors are listless and weak
and not vibrant, the hue that i seek.
they don't seem to my eye
to be solid deep-dye
that's richer and truly unique.
"
"my pirate friends always have said
tales aren't told if the teller is dead.
so i'll bury my gold;
where it's hid won't  be told
'cause i'm shooting myself in the head.
"
"my know-it-all wife is alleging
that i don't know the secrets of edging.
she says, ""our lawn border
is just not in order.
to say that you're edging is hedging.""
"
"my brother's most heart-felt desire
was a job as a bell-ringer hire.
but that hopeless old dope
got hauled up by the rope.
now he dangles, deceased, in the spire.
"
"their assault on our flank's gaining traction.
you must hold them at bay. your distraction
will slow their attack
as our men then move back.
so begin your  delaying troop action.
"
"double eagles are made out of gold
and were worth twenty bucks, so we're told.
since it's no longer legal
to spend such an eagle,
the price hits the roof when it's sold.
"
"this lattice-work's really a trial.
 its pieces are off by a mile
 and my scraping and filing
 has not left me smiling.
 guess i'll claim it's a ""primitive"" style.
"
"i can spin like a top in one place
or leap like a bird into space,
but i pay quite a price
for wild antics on ice,
since i break all my falls with my face.
"
"life is finite. too soon dims our light.
death approaches. my end is in sight.
""but we'll live with our master,
not die,"" said my pastor.
i'm betting my soul that he's right.
"
"when emotions are running amuck,
but for four-letter words you are stuck,
since the f-word's taboo,
there's not much you can do
but say ""feck!"" if you're lacking in pluck.
"
"my father was gloomy and cheerless,
 in that respect said to be peerless;
but the reason my dad
seemed incredibly sad
was his lack of cold cash left him beerless.
"
"if you put out a fire or a light,
or destroy every foe in a fight,
or, in law, pay what's owed,
there's a term that's bestowed,
and that term is extinguish. good night.
"
"easter island's great moai (that's statue)	
have huge eyes that stare wildly at you.
natives claim statues walk,
but folks said that's just talk;
their sheer bulk means there's no way they'll catch you.
"
"i'm invited ? must say i'm elated.
a party's been planned; i'll be feted.
i surely am blest
to be named honored guest,
since i'm typically told that i'm hated.
"
"model t? yes, sir, that leads the pack.
henry ford's buggy's pure cracker-jack.
so i bought one, of course,
and then sold off my horse.
they're pass? and i'm not going back.
"
"circumcision means cutting off foreskin.
if it's done, i prefer it be your skin.
strictly between us
i want that my penis
not bleed or comprise truly sore skin.
"
"""it's too knotted to unknot,"" said knott.
""i'll undo it with stuff that i've got.
i know how to enode it:
with c-4, explode it.""
twisted tangles of knott mark that spot.
"
"our volcano erupted today
with a fiery and lovely display.
it should make our town proud
since it could draw a crowd
of rich tourists to visit pompeii.
"
"i was stuffed full of beans while in glasgow
and i felt bilious masses of gas grow.
as i heaved, told my date,
 ""leave at once. do not wait!
you won't breathe for a week should this gas go.""
"
"keep an eye out for ships. if you spot 'em,
call their course and their speed, then we'll plot 'em.
""don't waste a torpedo""
should be our sub's credo ?
our deck gun will smash through each bottom.
"
"in this basin of filth, i am stuck.
i fell down in this port-a-john?yuck!
for assistance i'd try,
but there's no one nearby,
and i can't find my phone in the muck!
"
"it's too deep, is our local fjord,
with no shallow spots that you can ford.
we must drive on the ridge
that connects to the bridge
that we'll use till the ferry's restored.
"
"'that's my last visit down to the zoo!""
""what on earth is encrusted on you?""
""there's an ape flinging shit,
and just guess who it hit?
it was me. now i'm covered with poo.""
"
"pinus strobus (the eastern white pine)
once made masts for fine ships of the line.
though they thus served our nation,
man's deforestation
placed whites into humble decline.
"
"there was gold in the sutter mill  mud,
and those nuggets stirred gold-seekers'  blood.
as the word spread, they came
to be part of the game,
and one, two, thousands more in a flood.
"
"america first was a group
who insisted we not send one troop
to help fight europe's wars,
since their plight's not our cause ?
pearl harbor knocked that for a loop.
"
"""we cannot see our mom? that's outrageous!""
""her illness is highly contagious.
if you visit, you'll catch
what is making her retch.""
""if she kicks off, then, doc, you must page us.""
"
"""the river flows swiftly, my lord.
we have sought for a low point, a ford,
that the troops can traverse,
but the current gets worse?""
""cross the river or deal with my sword!""
"
"twenty dollars in gold has a name
and three strokes under par is the same.
there's a book, too, i'll note
and an rov boat.
double eagle is their claim to fame.
"
"kenneth arnold cannot have been glad
that the sighting he made spawned a fad.
on his cross-country flight,
he saw discs shining bright,
speeding faster than jets could. egad!
"
"at ford's theatre, one fateful spring day,
john wilkes booth chose abe lincoln to slay.
some folks asked, ""mrs. l.,
that you're sad, we can tell,
but assassins aside, a good play?""
"
"my entire frame's itching and chewed
by a mite (doc says scabies ? how c rude).
crotamiton s doc's pitch
to put paid to my itch.
his plan: ""slather your body while rude.""
"
"all named ford, there's the mango you eat;
mountain ranges that pierce an ice sheet;
a famed modeling firm;
a place cons serve their term;
a defender high over the fleet.
"
"he farewelled me, that dear friend of mine
who, on leaving this world, did not whine.
the goodbye words he wrote
were in this proffered note:
""get your feet off my oxygen line!""
"
"said my wife, with her eyes scrunched up tight,
 ""that flash is so blindingly bright!""
 said i nervously, ""uh,
 is it safe to say 'duh'""?
 ""yes, but then you'll get nothing tonight.""
"
"hold the little guys, showing each tip
 and i'll go down the line, snip, snip, snip.
it is one of life's joys
to trim down little boys,
five or ten, even more, at a clip.
"
"once a tailor called herman the german
made a cloak for his king out of ermine.
though the fur cost a lot,
said the king: ""pay him? not!""
just as well. herman'd passed on his vermin.
"
"rush limbaugh is sarah p.'s honey.
call him out? makes her future less sunny.
""the prez must toss out rahm.
saying 'retards' brings harm.""
but when rush says that word? he's just funny.
"
"""march on richmond now, general mcdowell,""
his staff heard old honest abe growl.
""get your troops on the go;
this war's going too slow.
at bull run, make secessionists howl.""
"
"in their breakout, they said they'd include me,
 but i think they just planned to delude me.
 why i helped with their plot
 to this day i know not,
 for the reasons i did still elude me.
"
"paper mulberry tree ? dak's its name;
 that it's hindi for ""mail"" is a claim;
 dak's an indian shack;
 transport plane was a dak;
 it's an action on guns used to maim.
"
"i was anxious to meet her, to greet her,
but her odor i wish had been sweeter.
while presenting her cheek,
she emitted a reek
that caused skunks to retreat from her fetor.
"
"exercising and marching is drill,
as is learning the sharpshooter's skill,.
sarge is sure a great shot,
which is something i'm not.
he insists i can beat him. i will.
"
"i'll play fiddle and dance a bit, mate,
or sing songs on request while you wait.
i don't mean to be brusque,
but my starting to busk
is contingent on bucks in my plate.
"
"we'll be chopping up dead ebenezer
and putting his parts in the freezer.
he'll stay frozen and cold,
till the time we find gold
that is needed to bury the geezer.
"
"when a paper's reporters attack,
call on me if you want to hit back.
i can clean any mess
and square things with press.
it's my job, and i'm known as a flack.
"
"our weather guy's constant refrain
is predicting dense rain on the plain.
i'd expect him to doubt
after six months of drought,
but he's forecasting moisture, again.
"
"somewhere placed at the front of a mag
or a paper is where they can brag
about who does what where
(of which, readers don't care),
and that listing is known as the flag.
"
"i said, ""zip up your fly,"" to a gent.
and right down to his crotch his hands went.
then he said with a sigh,
""nothing's wrong with my fly.""
""it's the vent on your tent that i meant.""
"
"please, count dracula, won't you abstain
from sucking the blood from my vein?
i shall  join the undead,
that's the fear that i dread,
exsanguine: no blood will remain.
"
"leads roy rogers, gene autry, tom mix
all were stars of our matinee pics.
there our heroes were seen
ten feet tall on the screen
every week in our saturday flicks.
"
"if the foremast is bending, don't fret.
sailors know how to fix it, i'll bet.
the best possible way:
tighten up the forestay.
once you make taut that line, you're all set.
"
"coffee ice cream: my wife has an itch
for this brown cold confection so rich.
but this crafty old geezer
just raided the freezer
and now none is left for that witch.
"
"those two thugs by the wall tried to smack us
and we've witnesses here who can back us.
we are both in the right
since they started the fight
and they came out  the worst in our fracas.
"
"i do swear on the soul of my mother,
i did not have a reason to smother
my sibling named clyde.
i commit fratricide?
no, i'd not cause the death of my brother.
"
"""you're not funny. your jokes suck,"" she said.
""they are boring. the punch lines fall dead.
i will n'er crack a smile
based on your comic style.""
but she laughed when i climbed in her bed.
"
"my wife thinks i ought to begin
taking lessons to play violin.
""you must not sit and diddle
and strum on that fiddle.
learn tunes. the whole family will win.""
"
"in a feedlot, close by the frontier,
a rancher stopped briefly to peer.
""there is something amiss.
inside ma and your sis
are munching on barley, i fear.""
"
"is he dead? i'll find out?let me check.
he can breathe, but his face is a wreck.
blood's all over his head,
but i'll soon staunch the spread
with a tourniquet wrapped round his neck.
"
"""fellow traveler? a pinko? a red?""
a commie? a leftist?"" she said.
""no. why must i explain
we're both riding this train
on our honeymoon, now that we've wed.""
"
"with my field glass (a gift from my lover),
i attempted to  gaze at a plover.
my eyes strained but, alas,
i saw naught through the glass.
two days later, i took off the cover.
"
"mr. ford madox ford, author guy,
had his family life go awry.
went to france, took up arms,
found a babe, liked her charms,
and bid wife and two kids, ""see you. bye.""
"
"this world has now proven a dud,
for man's wickedness riles my blood.
since man causes me anguish,
all life i shall vanquish
by drowning the earth with a flood.
"
"huge tears filled her eyes, drowned her cheek.
""just a two!"", kali cried, oozing pique.
""of the girls the sheikh's had
 in the harem, you're baaad.
 and thus ends my review ? my critique.""
"
"""there's no heat in the stove,"" martha moans.
""and i can't cook the eggs or toast scones.""
""it's your fireless furnace
i think should concern us.
this cold casts a chill in my bones.""
"
"our dear brother resides as god's guest ?
eternal, forever, at rest.
but we know all too  well
that he's destined for hell
thanks to blasphemous thoughts he expressed.
"
"emmy davison in a full skirt, see
 her run toward the king and get hurt. see
the king in a rage
mutter this to a page:
""did that commoner leave out her curtsey?""
"
"it seems betty's a japanese plane
and a nuclear bomb (that's insane!).
it's a ridge above ice,
a kentucky town (nice)
and a comic strip. long may it reign.
"
"do you think that you're going to fix
my problem with flea collar tricks?
do not tell me, please,
i'm afflicted with fleas.
we both know that my trouble is ticks.
"
"any act that you call mortal sin
 is just fine, and i say, ""count me in.""
 i suppose you can tell
 that i'm destined for hell.
 mephistopheles, clearly, you win.
"
"""mr. howard"" felt nothing untoward,
so he turned with his back to bob ford.
with one shot through the head
jesse james fell down dead,
and his killer sought out his reward.
"
"you do not let your dead lie around ?
better dig a deep hole in the ground.
place them there nice and neat,
and police you'll defeat
since your victims will never be found.
"
"""philo farnsworth: now who can that be?
the name's mystifying to me.
if he's not on the tube,
then i don't know the rube.""
""but you should. he invented tv.""
"
"in the army there's da form 1.
it's the paper you'll wish you had, son.
you may use it to write
but i think that you might
use it wiping your ass when you're done.
"
"a volume of gas was forced out,
 when she sat, from her nethermost spout.
 ""that noise came from my mouth
 and not points further south.""
 but the odor effluxed left no doubt.
"
"the sparks round a faraday cage
snarl and snap and they growl and they rage
at the man tucked inside.
his pluck's never denied,
but for me? i feel safer offstage.
"
"she's unpleasant and dull as a stump,
and most people would call her a frump.
since she seldom is fun,
she can't be number one,
and she'll never be called mrs. trump.
"
"chiropractors push and prod bones,
disregarding their poor patients' moans.
they profess to cure ills,
but you'll find that their bills
will precipitate even more groans.
"
"willy clipped his lit cig, pinched its ash.
(sarge had said, ""toss that thing in the trash!"")
but throw out a good butt?
did he look like a nut?
buying smokes put a crimp in his cash.
"
"when wits, sense and reason are ditched
for love, are you simply bewitched?
is it luminous eyes
that strengthen the ties?
look out, or you'll find yourself hitched.
"
"said queen katherine, ""my lovelife erratic
means i'm heading for downfall emphatic;
hope at nine of the clock,
when my head's on the block,
my oblivion's axiomatic.""
"
"said a pretty soprano from devon,
""when i hit a high b i'm in heaven.""
said the leader, ""big breath!""
she nodded, ""oh yeth,
and i've had them thinth i wath eleven.""
"
"by using its camouflage skill,
the chameleon's able to fill
its tummy with flies
it keenly espies
(colour-coding assisting the kill).
"
"a bissextile, now let's be quite clear,
brings an extra full day, so don't leer
at the word; you may sneer,
but there's naught naughty here:
no, it's just a posh name for leap year.
"
"to be slim, fatty food you must fling,
for the celery diet's the thing;
though it makes your jaws ache
you'll stay thin as a rake
on a diet of watery string.
"
"a golfer who stars on tv
for backup will pay a good fee.
perhaps when he's tired
the caddy he hired
will step up and offer him tea.
"
"cereal kick-starts the day;
it prepares you for work and for play.
wheat, oat flakes and bran
for the regular man
will help keep the snacking at bay.
"
"your birthday?  oh no, i don't mind.
i love giving presents, you'll find,
though it is only fair
i partake of a share
when my gift is the edible kind.
"
"a cenotaph spells out the debt
we owe to the young men who met
their deaths in a war;
to remember we swore
we'd lay poppy wreaths lest we forget.
"
"to maintain your position and class
in apparel that's racy and sparse,
pad the seat of your bike?
'cause you're risking a spike
that has zero respect for your arse.
"
"though for thrills bungee jumping's unmatched,
check insurance before you're dispatched.
then if hitting the ground
is your last earthly sound,
you will know there are no strings attached.
"
"her hair was all tangled and messed,
as she called out, ""wow, you are the best!""
but the cause and effect
left the guy feeling wrecked,
and he had to go home for a rest.
"
"to the prince, fair rapunzel had called
from her prison cell tower, high walled.
she'd  loosened her hair
to be used as a stair
and was rescued?now totally bald.
"
"children shatter your world of tranquillity
for attention to fuel their stability.
the price of your seed
is the wealth they will bleed;
and to try to save cash?mere futility.
"
"unaware he looked pretty bizarre
in a ginger wig, loaned by his ma,
he moved close. ""come to bed
for a cuddle,"" he said,
as he dropped his glass eye in a jar.
"
"calling all hard-up kiddies who can't
afford much: a chrysanthemum plant
works out cheaper than chocs,
or cologne in a box,
as a gift for your mother or aunt.
"
"a victorian gentleman knows
it's a challenge unfastening bows
on a lady, whose bustle
provides quite a tussle?
before the urge wavers, then goes.
"
"perhaps the agnostics are wise
to sit on the fence with no ties
to religion or creed,
but they're sowing the seed
of doubts that despiritualise.
"
"in this fight in the yard, like no other,
they battered and bashed one another;
but blackening eyes
would strengthen the ties
of love between brother and brother.
"
"i now bury my wife, my sweet alice,
who during her life showed no malice.
but the cutter, i moan,
carved that word on her stone.
was he careless or dumb or just callous?
"
"endogamic folks ? those in one clan
 or a tribe ? have a rigorous ban
 on a marriage outside.
 ""we can run off,"" she cried.
 but her kinfolk made sure that i ran.
"
"an esper, in sci-fi you'll find,
is a person controlling your mind.
they'll enslave you and me
using their esp.
if they're not the benevolent kind.
"
"a dugout will shelter a team
of ball players living their dream.
it's a hole that is dug
to keep some soldiers snug,
or a boat carved from logs, in a stream.
"
"the pyramid topped by an eye
is a freemason symbol? oh, my!
that's what many folks feel
but it's only the seal
used by plenty of others. nice try.
"
"close the door!  you just gave me a fright.
it's a darkroom and shouldn't be bright.
if the film in the tray
is exposed in that way,
it will blacken, destroyed by the light.
"
"if you're looking for wild oceans foaming,
where whitecaps inhibit beachcombing,
east seas are the best,
and it's fine in far west,
but you're wasting your time in wyoming.
"
"grab the book at the top. hold your grip
then, one page at a time, let them flip,
and you'll find that the pics
 are, it seems, moving flicks.
finish one, get one more, let 'er rip.
"
"our tactics are crude, even coarse,
and involve using maximum force.
so you'll do what we bid,
or we'll kidnap your kid,
and we'll show not the slightest remorse.
"
"stoke the fire-box. shovel in coal.
to generate steam is my goal.
check my  gauge, engineer.
you have nothing to fear.
this hot furnace is in my control.
"
"lady hikers can get in a stew
when they know calls of nature are due.
it's just when to fall back
from the men in the pack
in their search for an improvised loo.
"
"once you marry, guys, here is the drill:
curb that wandering eye, or you'll kill
all romance in your bed,
and uncover instead
a distinct matrimonial chill.
"
"the baby's a cute little chappy.
with liquid refreshment, he's happy.
to show he's no dunce,
he does two things at once:
he can throw up and crap in his nappy.
"
"the other cocks cower with fear
at the sight of the proud chanticleer,
whose 5 am call
wakes the rest, one and all,
with, ""hey guys, i'm the boss around here!""
"
"when a bedroom is tranquil, it brings
the gentlest of balms for life's stings.
it's a place some will keep
for just falling asleep
(though some use it for livelier things!).
"
"all couples will argue, but now
relationship experts show how.
rule one: calm the voice
(though it's still your free choice
to head straight for a jolly good row).
"
"this love token holds special powers.
hey guys, it stays potent for hours.
a bouquet holds the key
to scoring with me.
(but you won't with a cheap bunch of flowers!)
"
"in a bigamist, selfishness dives
to new depths, and it devastates lives.
he'll be locked up for years,
but release brings more fears:
retribution from both of his wives.
"
"on course for a fair way to please
his caddy, who's also his squeeze,
he plays for the chance
of al fresco romance.
(in the open, this guy is a sleaze.)
"
"while newly engaged on a jaw full
of concepts for limericks awful,
the betrothed dental nurse
said, ""it's surely a curse
to be given a whole bottom drawerful.""
"
"an arrangement is one of those things
some guys favour (avoids buying rings).
it puts love in their life
with no need for a wife:
a relationship?full on, no strings.
"
"the bilberry plant is found high
on the moors and (i tell you no lie)
you'll pick berries for days ?
it will surely amaze
just how many you need for a pie.
"
"cows stand chewing the cud all day through,
sometimes sitting ? what else can they do?
masticating non-stop
through four stomachs, this slop,
they regurgitate, burp, then re-chew.
"
"a certificate signifies to
a prospective employer you're due
for the chance of a start ?
though you know in your heart
where you go after that's up to you.
"
"with bad attitude clearly unmasked,
a teen will resent being tasked.
face defiantly glum,
he will argue, ""but mum,
well, i would have ? but you never asked.""
"
"during conflict, a chaplain takes more
of the flak, when the boys feel unsure.
while he hasn't denied
right has god on its side?
but which side, now the troops are at war?
"
"absolutely convinced that you know
something's right, having checked like a pro
that it's certainly true,
and a certainty too ?
it would seem undeniably so.
"
"choosing phrases that use alliteration
(that's repetitive bits of notation),
whether snappy to speak
or just silkily sleek,
enhances the whole explanation.
"
"it's the bright girl, these days, who will win,
if she's lively and pretty and thin;
she knows, without doubt,
that she'll get taken out,
while the not-so-bright gets taken in.
"
"little kids learn an abacus comes
in quite handy for doing their sums;
they no longer feel vexed,
or upset, or perplexed,
when they run out of fingers and thumbs.
"
"out shopping for eggs with his brother,
the bisexual said, ""keep this from mother,
but if you don't mind
i'll have sex of one kind
and a good half a dozen of t'other.""
"
"watch a guy first protest, and then holler?
but in vain.  you can bet your last dollar,
there's no more he can say,
'cause what gives him away
is a small lipstick smear on his collar.
"
"celebrity couples will lie.
""our love is forever,"" they cry;
but they speak to the press
when their lives are a mess.
soon it isn't hello, it's goodbye.
"
"it's one of those moments in time
that verges upon the sublime:
you are high on a hill,
all alone, and quite still?
then the bells of a church start to chime.
"
"the army lad, stationed as sentry,
made girls jump, booming, ""i'm not the gentry,
but tell me your name
and i might do the same
when i stand at attention for entry.""
"
"our cat is a proud handsome moggy,
who hates winter nights, wet and foggy.
if it's looking like rain
all his urges will wane,
'cause the damp makes his tail limp and soggy.
"
"sniffed the shop girl, in tone rather icy,
""with those measurements, strapless is dicey.
modom needs a good prop
or her bosom will flop.
i'll search her out something less spicy.""
"
"girls gather to giggle and natter;
what they talk about?that doesn't matter.
it's close interaction
that brings satisfaction
plus non-stop explosions of chatter.
"
"she was drawn to him right from the start,
and she longs for him when they're apart.
now, throughout every day
that her love is away,
she is holding him close, in her heart.
"
"third world workers, some bonded for years
with excessive debt-laden arrears,
as tourist trap guides,
offer elephant rides
for the price of a couple of beers.
"
"she's ditching the salads and greens.
no more calorie-counting; she preens
with the gem of a thought:
""can eat more than i ought,
'cause i'm wearing my stretch-denim jeans.""
"
"""okay, marshal,"" the gunslinger said,
""you've two choices, so, bud, use your head.
i'm a-takin' this town ?
do you wanna lie down
six feet under, or home in your bed?""
"
"guys appear inexplicably fond
of baby-faced girls who are blonde.
doesn't matter a jot
if they're bottled or not:
do your roots, girls! they're easily conned.
"
"guys, when making that final selection
of a girl to show life-long affection,
be sure those first hugs
won't just shrivel to shrugs
before offering her your protection.
"
"in debates, when you fight for a cause
and your reasons are worthy, don't pause.
opposition political
can be over-critical,
but colleagues will lead the applause.
"
"the cad says his world's full of strife;
in his arms, she's the love of his life.
he'll ease his frustrations
in secret locations?
then go and make love to his wife.
"
"bipartisan backing that's drawn
from separate factions may spawn,
through joint analytical
efforts, political
will for a peaceful new dawn.
"
"the inspector declared with a hiss,
""the nicker of knickers found bliss
in the mews, but left clues
and will soon get his dues.
we'll get to the bottom of this.""
"
"love forever, tattooed for a dare,
across shoulders she'd like to leave bare,
has caused nothing but sadness.
she knows it was madness
and lives with it, fully aware.
"
"high society families have
a particular word for the lav.
if you're needing the loo,
saying toilet won't do?
""lack of breeding,"" they sneer.  ""what a chav!""
"
"as the temperature rose through the summer,
the workman complained, ""what a bummer!
stuck testing this heating ?
no wonder i'm bleating.
on sunny days, who'd be a plumber?""
"
"the police handler's fate anatomical
was regarded by colleagues as comical.
his dog on the beat
merely sniffed out the heat
of his bunions. (they're both astronomical.)
"
"those apostles, referred to as 'saint',
with this title, seem freed from all taint;
given holy allure,
they're regarded as pure
(although judas iscariot ain't).
"
"a cabin, among many things,
is a place where romantics have flings
by remote country becks
or on cruise-liner decks
(oh, and pilots get one with their wings).
"
"the chorister boy sweetly sings,
with the choir, of ethereal things,
but holds on to his part
which has grown from the start
in his cassock.  what joy singing brings!
"
"charcoal pieces from fires, we're told,
led to cave drawings, earthy and bold;
and the charred wood and bone
used for marking the stone
made great art (once the fires had gone cold).
"
"citrus fruits have a juicy appeal:
orange, lemon and lime; but you'll squeal
with sore lips, 'cause they'll bring
on an acid-like sting,
before vitamin c starts to heal.
"
"her gown was high-collared and laced,
which highlighted slimness of waist.
she was modest and pure,
but her gentle allure
made us wonder how long she'd stay chaste.
"
"court statements must be categorical.
don't confuse with descriptions rhetorical,
or generalise;
in fact you'd be wise
to avoid what appears allegorical.
"
"""when the cupboard is bare,"" said the dean,
""then student life loses its sheen.
it's more than a hint
the lad's totally skint
when he says that he hasn't a bean.""
"
"my advice, while i live on this earth,
to all ladies is, give a wide berth
to men who are sweaty,
with hair like a yeti
that covers an oversized girth.
"
"though your language is over-dramatic
and your hand gestures wild and erratic,
with that movie star smile
you can't help but beguile
and be thought, by your fans, charismatic.
"
"the contralto, ignoring precautions,
gave full vent to her vocal contortions.
as her chest rose and fell,
all the guys felt a swell
of delight in her ample proportions.
"
"cinderella felt just a bit glum,
as her sisters both drooled, ""what a bum!
see our pics of the ball?
they're all up on the wall.
we said one day our prints (groan!) would come.""
"
"when one of her pipes sprang a leak,
the plumber who called took a peek.
he said, ""pipework gets wrecked
if not frequently checked,""
so it is, when he comes (twice a week).
"
"what can and what cannot be bought
is a lesson no school ever taught.
little kids eye up sweets,
salivating for treats,
then they look and discover they're short.
"
"the term ablaut refers to the change
that's within a word's root; like the range
between stink, stunk and stank,
all of which make the rank.
(but was/were fits no rule?and is strange.)
"
"circumstantial claims merely suggest,
since they cannot be put to the test.
prosecutors may seek
some advantage, though weak,
but forensics must back up the rest.
"
"a charlatan's one who, with greed
and with vanity, sets out to bleed
cash from those in ill-health.
through deceit, lies and stealth,
he pretends he's the expert they need.
"
"this charnel house, so it is said,
is a creepy old place.  better tread
with great care, though you'll bolt
with a shriek from this vault
when you notice the bones of the dead.
"
"when a tourist walks through a bazaar,
she will soon learn to browse from afar,
since any perusal
that ends with refusal
makes traders seem eager to spar.
"
"years of teasing have turned 'hairy mary'
reclusive and nervous, and wary
of the curious stares
that still catch unawares
this poor woman, whom jibes have made chary.
"
"it's well known as a bit of a dive.
a few drinks, and the place comes alive.
first, the lads grunt and sway
to 'i did it my way',
then the lasses shriek 'i will survive'.
"
"women given a grim chaperone
to persuade men to leave them alone
often find once they're married,
they yearn to be harried
and flee the exclusive rights zone.
"
"cinderella tried on the glass slipper.
thought the prince, ""what a babe. let me strip 'er.""
he'd a thing about feet
that were dainty and sweet?
pity these had the whiff of old kipper.
"
"sitting down in the barber-shop chair,
moaned the bald-headed man, ""it's not fair
that i pay the full price,
since i'm done in a trice
now my head's growing up through my hair.""
"
"said a bedou, ""our lifestyle outdoor-ish
may appear to you townies as poor-ish;
but some girls, so it seems,
harbour open-air dreams,
which makes loving with us rather moor-ish.""
"
"take care, guys, the girls are out looking.
bikini-clad bait will soon hook in
the sexiest hunks
sporting tight swimming trunks.
you've been warned: all the barbies are cooking.
"
"single mums, who live life at a run,
when they serve healthy meals their kids shun,
should say, ""fine?scream and shout,
but don't dare chuck it out,
or the next time i'm shopping for one!""
"
"she stood there and rattled her tin
for a charity badge on a pin;
and if you sneaked by,
while avoiding her eye,
you were left feeling guilty as sin.
"
"siren wailing, the ambulance crew,
on arrival, some rough comments drew:
""cor, 'is 'ead made a thud!""
""crikey, look at the blood!""
""oh, you're 'ere ? about bleedin' time too!""
"
"the above-named's a term that you use
when referring to somebody whose
name's already been said,
so the reader is led
neatly back to the person you choose.
"
"this wide-eyed and sociable ape
seems to grin when i throw him a grape;
but the bold chimpanzee
isn't smiling at me?
he's about to attack, mouth agape.
"
"if a born-again good christian gent
feels obliged to hold back during lent,
having sought what he ought,
he's left short of the sort
that would surge with an urge heaven sent.
"
"her excuse, ""can't have dinner with you?
my apologies,"" carried no clue
that her pressing engagement
at this early stage meant,
in fact, she had ironing to do.
"
"winked john, as he straightened his spine,
""my technique, i shall try to define:
campanology's high?
pulling ropes to the thigh?
is improved when the thigh isn't mine.""
"
"the director said, eyeing her rear,
""let's examine your profile, my dear.""
clearly being no slouch
on his new casting couch
is the way to advance her career.
"
"if her cheeks at both ends turn to chubby,
a girl frets that her man thinks she's tubby.
but she worries too much:
cheeks are sweet to the touch,
and will always score high with her hubby.
"
"not specifically known as a speaker,
archimedes, alert with his beaker,
taking breaths long and deep
near a smelly old sheep,
might have commented drily, ""eureka.""
"
"if you try holding hands on a walk,
clammy palms causes girlfriends to baulk,
because sticky and wet
is a turn-off, you bet,
if you want to do more than just talk.
"
"the clam has a hinge on its shell
which closes both sides.  you can't tell
where to prise them apart,
so you'll need a stout heart,
a sharp knife?and thick mittens as well.
"
"in the heat of the dance, when you're fried,
guys edge over, so cool, to your side,
for a get-to-know talk
in an out-of-doors walk?
but it's they who should cool off outside.
"
"the psychologist reached his conclusion:
""love or lust?  life is filled with confusion.
if the catalyst spark
isn't right on the mark,
the result may be fusion illusion.""
"
"though clairvoyance may offer the sight
of a future event, dark or bright,
if you're fearing the worst,
you may feel you've been cursed
while you fret?will the reading be right?
"
"""i've a cold in the head,"" sniffled mike,
""and my nose feels as long as a pike.
sneezing mucus and goo,
must i say ah-tishoo!
or just any odd word that i like?""
"
"though joanne aimed to move like a fairy,
even made-up, she looked a bit scary.
cosmetically blushed,
she was certainly flushed?
but the skin underneath was still hairy.
"
"dai's eager to fill up his honda
to call on rhian in the rhondda.
once his feet touch her rug
and they share a close hug,
he'll find absence has made the heart fonder.
"
"""oh my darling, i love you,"" he sighed.
""i shall leave her one day,"" but he lied.
when at last she saw sense,
his relief was immense?
she was only his bit on the side.
"
"photo shot in the land of the maple,
for the press centre-spread, shirt a-gape?all
admired his chest,
although, as for the rest,
not a great deal lay under the staple.
"
"strutting by like she hasn't a care,
hips a-swinging, hair silky and fair,
every gaze is directed
at what is projected?
of that she is fully aware.
"
"a fruit cordial's a welcoming drink
that, in summer, refreshes the link
between friends sharing news
over hot barbecues.
try 'mixed berry' to feel in the pink.
"
"adulation in screams and hurrahs
is directed by fans at their stars
whose sole aim is no more
than that cd sales soar
to fund drug parties, booze and fast cars.
"
"in a culture where girls must act shy
and avoid ever meeting the eye
of a man?to be seen
means she dares contravene
basic rules, and she may even die.
"
"they seem a compatible pair:
she irons his shirts with due care,
never raises her voice
always yields to his choice?
in fact he forgets she is there.
"
"if a guy gets the chance to cohabit,
he won't pause for a second?he'll grab it,
sensing love on demand,
not a quick one-night stand,
but the life of an over-sexed rabbit.
"
"while regarding her footwear with scorn,
she's been trying to ease a large corn
gently into a boot
that's been clearly the root
of the problem since first it was worn.
"
"any morsel of food will be lunch
to a cockroach that's ready to munch.
from dark murky places
it darts across spaces?
and under my shoe it goes crunch.
"
"her teachers sighed, ""what will she be?
her brain is the size of a pea.""
then she married a yank
with a stash in the bank.
her face was her fortune, you see.
"
"this brassiere could hold rugby balls;
hooks and strapping cascaded like falls
from the line. what she'd washed
(either squeezed in, or squashed)
begged the question, ""so why call them smalls?""
"
"by the light of the flickering candle,
shadows played as she slipped off her sandal,
and he felt desire grow
in the heat of the glow
of the flame that was too hot to handle.
"
"swooned a maiden, ""oh, sir, i feel faint;
have a care?free and easy, i ain't.
mother says men are slime,
so i wear, all the time,
woolly bloomers that no man shall taint.""
"
"her mount was a challenging ride,
but she took every fence in her stride,
while displaying a seat
that was comely and neat.
(and some say beauty comes from inside!)
"
"coaxed lord rupert, ""come, come, it's no sin
that i want you so bad from within.
the solarium's free?
all alone we shall be""
(till a crowd gathered round to peep in).
"
"the chipmunk lives life at a dash.
does this squirrel-like guy ever bash
out his brains in the trees,
or bump forelegs, or knees?
lightning mover, he's gone in a flash.
"
"said the biker, ""don't hassle me, sarge,
though the gas from my rear end is large.
i could prove with a hug
that i'm no kind of thug.
put my battery there, on a charge.""
"
"a fit teenager, though in his prime,
resists cleaning his room.  all the time
he leaves things that will trip
so his floor's like a tip,
and returns to the scene of his grime.
"
"every winter the problem arose.
in the cold, his extremities froze.
chilblains, itching like hell,
would first redden, then swell.
steady, girls?it was only his toes.
"
"the cockerel served chickens apace,
but he found himself needing more space.
with shells getting smashed,
his ardour had crashed,
and he'd wound up with egg on his face.
"
"her appearance is tarty and rough;
she tries to look young, but it's tough.
the bloom of her youth
has long gone?here's the truth:
she wears too much of not quite enough.
"
"please give me the strength to conceive
that, with treatment, this cancer will leave
me alone with my life
and my kids and my wife
and result in a lengthy reprieve.
"
"the old tramp, watching out for the sign
from the priest, takes his place in the line.
every week, at the cue
he is gifted anew
at communion with free bread and wine.
"
"just had surgery?  here's what to do
if you're too weak to get to the loo:
a commode, you will find,
takes a load off your mind
and relieves at the other end too.
"
"she has fret since the night she was led
all astray with drink clouding her head;
did their action induce
a sweet cocktail of juice
to coagulate? she's full of dread.
"
"fry some onions and spuds to a hash,
then add cabbage and give it a bash.
as a child, every week,
i loved bubble and squeak,
though its posh name is colcannon mash.
"
"if you clam up, you feel your mouth dry,
as the panic sets in when you try
to breathe calmly to speak;
words come out as a squeak?
but on stage, as an actor you'll die.
"
"he's quite frantic?he must find his comb;
it's essential for hiding his dome.
he'll use it to spread
what hair's left on his head,
then check wind speed, before leaving home.
"
"casanova profiled his projection
in the mirror, for daily reflection.
he struck a fine pose,
but that wart on his nose
would, today, guarantee a rejection.
"
"what a racket last night when they threw
out some drunks, and the arguments grew
on the street.  i'd no notion
a minor commotion
would cause such a hullabaloo.
"
"pack for hols in a second today.
all you need is your wallet, okay?
it might appear flash
but as long as you've cash,
you can buy what you need on the way.
"
"don't concern yourself?stay as you were
when your teenager fails to concur
with your comments and views;
it will one day amuse
you, when his kids the same feelings stir.
"
"the interview panel could spy
straight away the one person they'd try.
he was sharp and efficient,
decisive, proficient
and seemed the most competent guy.
"
"bang on cue, his rough neighbour would call,
to complain that he'd made her kids bawl.
then she'd bang on about,
""you're a d-i-y lout!""
when he's just banging nails in his wall.
"
"a cowl is a sort of monk's hood,
and for keeping draughts out, it's quite good;
while a cowl neckline holds,
across breasts, fabric folds,
to stop girls showing more than they should.
"
"at high tea (more substantial, served late)
i'm a child, with calf's tongue on my plate,
and i'm trying to eat
this disgusting sliced meat,
but my stomach rebels with pure hate.
"
"if it's energy boosting you lack,
cacao in choc puts it back
in the bloodstream at speed ?
high percent's what you need
(and some say it beats fun in the sack).
"
"a comet's ethereal trail
is formed by the dust in its tail.
comet halley you'll see
on a clear night for free
every seventy-six years without fail.
"
"the identikit picture could be
of the guy who just stole my tv;
but with only the face,
i'm not sure i can place
him; he looks pretty armless to me.
"
"joe's uneasiness grew to alarm,
as his wife sprayed colognes on her arm.
for the mixture of scents
formed a pong so intense
that it smelled like the sluice from his farm.
"
"i've been clearing my throat like a toff,
but it's due to my tickly cough.
i feel rough and sound gruff
at the concert.  ""enough!""
cry the audience round me. ""clear off!""
"
"get a corkscrew?a curly device
that will lift out your corks in a trice.
never stab at the cork
with the prongs of a fork;
oh, you may do it once, but not twice.
"
"his manner is courtly, and that
adds a dignified air to his chat;
but his old-fashioned ways
both amuse and amaze.
he's considered a bit of a prat.
"
"girls enjoying some time at the seaside,
dressed in clothing a touch on the wee side,
know the sight of a thigh
will attract every eye
and the sighs of the guys on the quayside.
"
"though i warn will you come out with me?
incurs costs, seems he doesn't agree;
he says, ""don't worry, friend,
not a penny i'll spend?
for i only date girls who are free"".
"
"at work, if you've moments capacious
that allow for sweet daydreams salacious,
romance can sound cheap
with the mobile phone beep
of an incoming text that's flirtatious.
"
"when his wife bought a big crate of honey,
ed cried, ""forty-eight jars? that's not funny.
though i know it's half-price,
honey's not all that nice?
the fact is, even bargains cost money.""
"
"the indian bride's declaration
of intent is the dowry creation,
while the groom's wedding gift
is to give her a lift
by exceeding that half-affirmation.
"
"a courteous man is polite
at all times with a lady; at night,
though, it's okay to merge
(it's a natural urge)
just as long as she says it's all right.
"
"she really believes he's a gent
and his sweet honeyed words are all meant.
he moves into her place
with a smile on his face
'cause he'll con her till everything's spent.
"
"""phew, it's hot stripping paper. i'm reeling,""
said sue, ""and may soon start a-peeling.""
""sounds appealing to me,""
i responded, ""feel free,
girl?your d?cor rate's just hit the ceiling.""
"
"the alphabet seems over long
to a kid that keeps getting it wrong;
twenty-six letters used?
he's dismayed and confused?
until he starts singing that song!
"
"feeling hands in his pants, front and rear,
roger paid close attention, no fear,
as, with care not to nip,
she released his stuck zip
(and she'll take a close look once it's clear).
"
"recent medical studies on weight
show particular parts correlate:
waist-hip ratio's fine
if it's zero-point-nine
in a man; for girls, zero-point-eight.
"
"at the pantomime?lifting the lid
on our childhood for just a few quid?
through our specs we all peered,
as we booed and we cheered.
(no we didn't?er, oh yes we did!)
"
"though joe by the circus was hired,
of his flying fear they'd become tired.
now the cannonball king
has just had his last fling?
and this time, he's really been fired.
"
"said the priest, ""through the violence i see
in the chat shows on daytime tv?
i fear such exposure
will never bring closure
to a soul who's addicted (like me)"".
"
"when she turned seventeen, she was nasty and mean,
and the way she looked was way beyond repair.
so i went up to bed
with her mother, instead,
and i left her standing there.
"
"whenever you need to complain,
about dissatisfaction or pain,
show you're truly aggrieved
and you will be believed,
if your manner and tone you restrain.
"
"her head with blonde tresses was thatched;
there was no hidden tinting attached
to her styling routine?
and he knew, 'cause he'd seen,
when he'd checked out that everything matched.
"
"barber barbara detests a moustache;
men's beards bring her out in a rash.
whatever you pays 'er,
like lightning her razor
will scythe off your fuzz in a flash.
"
"to desire another man's things,
or his wife and the joy that she brings,
is to covet.  that's sad.
jealous feelings are bad?
what you can't have is one of life's stings.
"
"take great care in the woods for, in truth,
grizzly bears, sharp of claw and of tooth,
can get mad if you yell?
though most track you by smell,
for a group of them's known as a sleuth.
"
"the screw found its pathway just right
and was countersunk, fitting real tight;
topped with liquefied wood,
the job looks pretty good?
what i mean is, the screw's out of sight.
"
"the union rep said, ""the men feel
they deserve a more generous deal,
since your profits depend
upon them, in the end?
each a cog in a very big wheel.""
"
"when a formerly crudely run nation
encourages participation,
free expression and art,
with political heart,
that's a civilised civilisation.
"
"the large advert was striking and bold:
""to promote our new swimwear range 'gold',
we are looking to coach
those with hands-on approach.""
i applied, but my hands were too cold.
"
"absolutely: a word where abuse
is apparent to all.  no excuse
comes from those who agree
sycophantically
and destroy its superlative use.
"
"if you choose a circuitous tour,
then the time you allow must be more,
since you may arrive late
if you spot something great
you were quite unaware of before.
"
"if a guy lacks fruit, roughage and bran,
and feels bloated and fat, he should ban
processed food, sugared junk,
and we'll soon see a hunk
with the prime meat and veg of a man.
"
"i have doubts that bananas can talk,
or scream out when they're mashed with a fork;
yet their trees, it's quite clear,
move three inches a year,
so you could say banana trees walk!
"
"when girls come together to meet
for a chat, cobbled streets may look neat;
although concrete and tar
are much safer, by far,
if stilettos are worn on the feet.
"
"""i'm not really a girl for duplicity,""
simpered sexy young actress, felicity,
""but i could chance my arm?
it may do me no harm?
and i'd welcome the extra publicity.""
"
"said the chief fire officer blake,
""in the future, when call-outs we make,
while you guys man the van
and the hose ? here's the plan:
i've a sack of potatoes to bake.""
"
"aware that a rumour's been mooted,
they know all the details are rooted
in truth?since their toiling,
entwining and coiling
showed hugs have become convoluted.
"
"guilty conscience has no need to shout
in a head overloaded with doubt;
and along with the act
that you cannot retract
comes the terror?will someone find out?
"
"an officer gent he resembled.
at his sabre hermione trembled,
as he swivelled her hips
and then moistened her lips
with the rest of the kit he'd assembled.
"
"the goalie was light on his feet
with skills at the net none could beat.
his opponents scored zero;
the guy was a hero?
again he had kept a clean sheet.
"
"if you're wondering, girls, when or whether
to relinquish the virginal tether,
or to stay a chaste miss?
just for now hug and kiss
(while keeping your legs tight together).
"
"with the leak in her pipes fixed at last,
the gasman moved in on her fast,
and once they had kissed
put her name on his list
under b for ""this babe is a blast!""
"
"to avoid growing wobbly hips,
we require zero-calorie chips.
they are every girl's dream
though i doubt they would seem
so delicious a taste on the lips.
"
"babs was bullied at school?overweight
was the reason, though now she feels great;
'cause while they piled it on
she turned into a swan:
a seductive and shapely size eight.
"
"when a partner won't chat in the hall,
stop to natter, or come when you call,
any hour of the day,
his reluctance may say
rather more than you think, after all.
"
"now his rag's voted ""best in the nation"",
the chief editor's filled with elation,
with reporters ecstatic,
and printers emphatic
it's bound to increase circulation.
"
"modern cordless devices are neat:
you control your tv from your seat,
changing programme or tone,
while a new cordless phone
lets you talk as you walk down the street.
"
"most gardeners acknowledge the worth
of topsoil's effect on rebirth;
while such valuation
will boost growth creation,
take care that you're not charged the earth.
"
"private highgate deserted the gore
in the battle of mons, and then bore
through his court-martial shame
at just eighteen, the name:
first firing-squad death of the war.
"
"it's corny, he knows, but he tries
his luck: ""oh, your beautiful eyes
shine like stars, and it's clear...""
but it's met with a sneer,
and something inside of him dies.
"
"the emergency phone call goes right
to the coastguard.  alert day and night,
they will answer the plea
when folk drift out to sea
on a lilo or boat with no light.
"
"when you've lined up a date that is hot
and your chin is displaying a spot,
your concealer's disguise
does its work?while his eyes
do a full body scan, like as not.
"
"bomb disposal's the job that i do.
i defuse them real slow, then i'm through.
if you see me move fast,
i'm expecting a blast?
that's your signal to start running too!
"
"though he knows she was swayed quite a lot
by his mansion, ferrari and yacht,
when his eyes come to rest
on the swell of her chest,
is he bothered?  oh, no.  not a jot.
"
"""just get out, you philandering boar!""
shrieks his wife, keen to settle the score;
he has broken his vow
and looks shattered right now?
like the plates that lie smashed on the floor.
"
"it's his arrogance holding the floor
as he talks like his word should be law.
i'd like to rebel
with a firm, ""go to hell?
you obnoxious unspeakable bore!""
"
"the gypsy girl, nubile serena,
when asked, ""play your sweet concertina!""
will answer the call
and her breasts rise and fall.
the men gather?they've never looked keener.
"
"it's official: a girl has more feeling
than a guy; should she therefore be reeling
from his strokes in the bed
as they lie head to head?
(for the men would find that most appealing!)
"
"he looks back with no trace of regret;
he can't change things, so why pause to fret?
since the when, where and how
have shaped what he is now,
his contentment's complete.  (yeah, i bet!)
"
"wilf workshops oedilf as miss whiffy
with comments regarded as iffy.
once again on the whine,
his critique gives the sign
the old chap is decidedly squiffy.
"
"a commodious home, having space,
may appear a good family base,
although mum's not so keen
and says, ""so much to clean!""
which has just wiped the smile off her face.
"
"today you're convicted in court
for the theft of what you should have bought.
judge and jury agree
that your sentence shall be:
""i must pay at the till as i ought.""
"
"blow the cornet, you'll probably send
any mates you have left round the bend,
then away to the beach
for a cornet, one each,
to blow ice cream at you out the end.
"
"with that cat on her bed, he is bound
to be happier now, since he found
that she calls the toy andy?
and that's 'cos it's handy
to cuddle when he's not around.
"
"my skills as a cook are a waste
if a condiment's added in haste
at the table; it's rude?
an assault on my food
and displays a distinct lack of taste.
"
"if your world's a confused state of grey
and anxiety leads you to say
rather more than you should
(or, on calmer days would),
that may come back to haunt you one day.
"
"colloquialisms are short
chatty phrases no school ever taught,
so, informal in tone,
most would drop like a stone,
used before snooty judges in court.
"
"he is wed to a wildcat whose jaw
snarls a rage he can't take any more,
where the claws and abuse
that on him are let loose
release anger that wounds with a roar.
"
"when a compromise eases affray
there's trade-off in meeting halfway;
but it lets others see
that you cede to agree.
it's your 'give-and-take' stance wins the day.
"
"you're besotted?  in love?  be reflective
when considering marriage; you're wrecked if
you resent large amounts
leaving savings accounts:
it's not known as a move cost-effective!
"
"with your dog, if through bracken you've hurried,
thus releasing its spores so they've flurried
through the air, ptq,
when inhaled there by you,
means not only the sheep may be worried.
"
"if your loading boss asks you to count
all that's leaving the store, and this ""fount
of all wisdom"" sends more
than you're able to score,
that adds up to a copious amount.
"
"said a maths-loving guy, ""when erect,
perpendiculars fail to connect;
but align over here
at an angle, my dear,
and as we converge, i'll bisect.""
"
"the dull ache in her heart weighs a ton
for the boy who took life at a run.
he was driving one day
when a truck blocked his way.
oh, that she could have died?not her son.
"
"she's happily settled and snug:
content as a bug in a rug;
by the fireside, cosy,
his prospects look rosy
for moving in close for a hug.
"
"madam, pray take a cleanser and towel;
was your make-up applied with a trowel?
while a touch here and there
is a sign you still care,
'slap it on' and cosmetics look foul.
"
"he lay flat on a specialised rack
for some heat treatment, ice in a pack,
and massage, head to toe,
to improve spinal flow;
it's been hard, but the lad's fighting back.
"
"driving cattle, the cowboy would straddle
his horse, spending days in the saddle.
now he aches when he walks;
bow-legg?d, he talks
to the doc: ""what'll help?"" ""here, this pad'll.""
"
"when cheating through crime is their aim,
some thugs, up in court, make the claim
that the fault lies with others?
their fathers, their mothers;
that's why they're not really to blame.
"
"it's grown late and you've stayed in all day,
but the call centre says it's okay
and confirms that it's true
your delivery's due,
then assures you it is on its way.
"
"the collie's the dog shepherds keep
to help them to round up their sheep;
he will chase, stop and block
those that stray from the flock.
canine loyalty's focussed and deep.
"
"to be led down the aisle by this boy
is a prospect that fills her with joy,
so this simpering miss
will allow him one kiss,
with the promise of more. (oh, she's coy!)
"
"he bobs up like a jack-in-the-box
for the oarsmen who row by the clocks;
and at one with the crew
(though the cold makes him blue)
he will shout out the beat.  he's the cox.
"
"as she steered her new car off the drive,
her sense of the way took a dive;
seems her trip would unravel:
""it's better to travel
expectantly, than to arrive.""
"
"when the lifeboat is pushed off the sands,
on the coxswain the onus now lands,
for his skill steers the boat.
he will keep it afloat
and the lives of the crew in his hands.
"
"i'd be grateful if you would agree
to hand over all coupons to me;
then it's you i shall thank
for my stash in the bank
when i get all my shopping for free!
"
"while the credits you gain will endorse
all the work you've put in on your course,
streams and rivers run free,
for, of course, theirs will be
where the easy route takes them by force.
"
"a conveyance will add to your score
if your job's selling homes; and what's more,
once a contract is signed
by both parties, you'll find
that the property transfer is law.
"
"when you know what you've done isn't right
and you've hurt someone's feelings, you might
feel remorseful and sad
and regret acting bad.
if you do, then we say you're contrite.
"
"when complete indecision attacks,
you consider by weighing the facts,
and start wondering too,
as in, ""what would i do
if my tum could stay flat fed on snacks?""
"
"when attention is caught by the flow
of her contours, his eyes quickly go
to the point where the breeze
lifts her skirt, and he sees
how re-shaping has heightened the show.
"
"while a derelict cottage may score
as a rather nice place to restore,
if the roof must be thatched,
it'll need to be matched
with an over-stuffed wallet, and more.
"
"in search of contentment, she strived.
self-sufficient, the family thrived
till the kids fled the nest;
now her husband's gone west
and she asks herself where she's arrived.
"
"he craves love, but his wife doesn't care;
her sexcuses are full of hot air.
like the tyres on his car,
he's prepared to go far,
so he's careful to carry a spare.
"
"said a shivering seal, feeling low,
""it's so icy and cold?think i'll go
far away from this beach;
the whole world is in reach,
so i'm just gonna go with the floe.""
"
"dressed in lycra, to thrill boyfriend mike,
when long-legg?d lou mounts her bike,
she glows in her pose,
for she knows that she shows
that part of a body men like.
"
"the young girl styles her hair in a pleat,
and the look, though mature, works a treat.
her appointment's at noon.
she won't tremble or swoon
now she's calm and collected and neat.
"
"when a muscle contracts, spasms heightening
the discomfort, such agony's frightening;
and you can't help but yell,
'cause the pain hurts like hell?
but stretch hard through the cramp to ease tightening.
"
"an oil driller, cunning and shrewd,
told jokes that his girl said were rude
and put to good use
this greasy excuse:
""sorry, darling, i work with the crude.""
"
"the fashion to pat, press and primp
waves in hair, in a style called a crimp,
flatters no-one; it's clear
a crimped girl looks severe?
while a man with a crimp looks a wimp!
"
"job redundancy came to them all;
and now facing his wife in the hall,
spirit crushed, he can't speak,
for, defeated and weak,
he feels crestfallen, worthless and small.
"
"surfer jed planned to go to the med,
but he chose the pacific instead;
and the consequence was,
of his visit to oz,
that he met with a shark and is dead.
"
"after hiding from each winter storm,
they spring upwards like magic to form
gladioli: stems shoot
from a brown bulbous root
that is commonly known as a corm.
"
"the crinoline, tied with a bow,
prevented a skirt's drape and flow
and meant flab on the tum
or a wobbling bum
were concealed beneath what was on show.
"
"her countenance, frequently seen
by the people as calm and serene,
when she smiles and shakes hands
across many far lands,
rarely falters: the face of the queen.
"
"a good counsellor sifts through the lies
told by couples at pains to disguise
the true facts, to select
what appears to affect
all the whos, and their whats, and their whys.
"
"a coverlet, used on a bed
for concealment from tailboard to head,
hides each blanket and sheet,
so the bedroom looks neat?
and it's sometimes called bedspread instead.
"
"his ethereal singing transcends
all the other men's vocal top ends;
countertenors are rare
and there's none to compare
as his voice, like an alto's, unbends.
"
"there are delicatessens that tease,
adding pineapple pieces. oh, please!
it is totally vile?
they will never re-style
either texture or taste: cottage cheese.
"
"i have studied for days in this seat;
i've been cramming like mad. i'm dead-beat!
though i've filled all the space
in my head, now my face
shows the strain of forgetting to eat.
"
"a coven's a gathering of witches,
traditionally scabby with itches;
they were burned at the stake
for the potions they'd make
and betrayed to witch-finders by snitches.
"
"if blood didn't congeal, but instead
gushed from wounds in a torrent of red,
first, its pressure would drop,
then your heartbeat would stop,
after which, pretty soon you'd be dead.
"
"the choir's director of song
admitted his choice had been wrong;
the applause was half-hearted
and most folk departed,
while commenting aptly, ""so long.""
"
"you've a penthouse apartment?  well, that
makes it clear that your wallet is fat;
whereas city-style blocks,
where the poor draw their locks,
shelter souls often desperate and flat.
"
"said a crusty old baker, face red,
""all my regulars seem to have fled;
buns go stale on the rack.""
and his mood turned as black
as the over-baked crust on his bread.
"
"the children wail, ""mum, leave us be,""
when she monitors all their tv;
but her regular checks
to block violence and sex
are just part of her caring, you see.
"
"what's a coronet?  just a small crown
that looks great with a posh full-length gown.
so it stays on the head
if to dancing you're led,
you should wear your hair up and not down.
"
"when the fumes swirled around in the room
of each bar in the land, through the gloom
the non-smokers would fret
over each cigarette,
which for some signalled ultimate doom.
"
"""er, well, basically, that is, whenever,
what i mean is, um, sort of, whatever,
at the end of the day?""
youngsters talk in a way
where conciseness occurs hardly ever.
"
"have courage at school; show no fear.
when bullies attack, make it clear
you'll take none of their flak:
if they hit you, hit back
(but be sure an escape route is near).
"
"her statement's arrived to a wail,
but those counterfoil stubs tell the tale
and reveal the huge dent
in her funds; she'll repent
writing cheques in the superstore's sale.
"
"her husband's just walked in the door,
but it looks like his timing is poor.
it's their toddler's first party:
the kids are all clarty
and most of the food's on the floor.
"
"on the catwalk, they only employ
skinny models who learn to enjoy
non-stop hunger-pang pains;
taking drugs numbs their brains
as each starves to the shape of a boy.
"
"conurbations, which suburbs surround,
have swallowed our towns: now we've found
we must pick up the cost
of communities lost
with the concrete that's killing the ground.
"
"saying ""cobblers!"" not linked to the shoe,
just means ""nonsense!"" and probably grew
from the term cobbler's awls
(cockney rhyme slang for balls),
though no doubt some will say, ""that's not true!""
"
"check your health now, before it's too late,
with the body mass index.  your fate
lies in storage of fat?
once you know where you're at
you may not need to lose any weight.
"
"out with friends, all the warnings fell short:
she forgot every thing she'd been taught.
though she hadn't strayed far,
she was hit by a car,
and her mother's completely distraught.
"
"all those ridges and grooves?hardly slick!
corrugated?it's not what she'd pick;
but she hasn't a clue
that her neighbour's new loo
would have cost twice as much made of brick.
"
"often played by eccentric old fellows,
the sound made is not one that mellows;
concertina?some pine
for the ear-splitting whine
that erupts from its buttons and bellows!
"
"he buys scratch cards with total conviction
and the shopkeeper puts no restriction
on the number she'll sell
as she adds to his hell,
keenly feeding his gambling addiction.
"
"to reveal whether brain matches beauty,
guys (the smart ones) who yearn to be fruity,
will shoot from the hips
a neat line of quips
to check out the wit of a cutie.
"
"she said, ""darling, i have what you lack:
a nice therapy treat in the sack.
once under the sheet
my cold-as-ice feet
will be placed on your poor aching back.""
"
"the raid on the bank caused confusion,
till the law overheard an allusion
to the phrase ""inside job""?
someone's opened his gob
about staff and the thugs in collusion.
"
"she has read in the tabloid edition:
""how to tame your hair into submission"",
so a fortune she pays
for some serums and sprays,
but her locks still look out of condition.
"
"of his music, tchaikovsky was proud.
""1812"" still appeals to the crowd:
its crescendos of sound?
cannons, bells?shake the ground
in explosions of joy that spell loud.
"
"the colourist shrieked in dismay,
""your hair's in complete disarray!
why, it's frizzy and dry
and i'm telling you, i
would just die before yielding to grey.""
"
"he's the cockiest dude in the bay,
at the wheel of his red chevrolet.
it is shiny and big,
so he's sure got the rig
to go pick up a girl for a... day.
"
"he turned out to be one of the worst
of all boyfriends. she's parched with a thirst
for revenge. it was hell?
he walked out; wished her well
and, for her now, the bubble has burst.
"
"on the beach, kids get clarty and manky,
and, when sand resists water and hanky,
they will whine and protest,
""aw, mum, give it a rest!""
as their mood turns from happy to cranky.
"
"to be in with your mates as a lad
you would join in a craze or a fad;
you swapped stickers (you'd stacks
saved from bubble gum packs).
looking back, such obsession seems mad.
"
"getting old?  as we age, something lurks
round the corner?the main thing that irks:
though the mind's still alert,
what still works starts to hurt,
and what doesn't hurt no longer works!
"
"when she trains with the guys at the gym
it's her goal to be toned up and trim.
though with air con it's breezier,
she aches for an easier
way to get supple and slim.
"
"a coypu's not sleek like a cat?
see it waddle!  this rodent is fat
and aquatic; don't carp
at the teeth, razor-sharp,
in this over-sized, beaver-like rat.
"
"every winter a robin will come
to my garden to fill up his tum.
he is there, without fail,
for the bread that's gone stale,
and returns till he's eaten each crumb.
"
"the observers recoiled with revulsion
when my brother, who felt the compulsion
to fall down to the ground,
began flailing around
in the grip of a febrile convulsion.
"
"his partner had never hit back;
when he'd punched her she'd taken the flak,
till she hacked the formica
to carve, ""i don't like ya!""
then left.  what a counter-attack.
"
"at the coast, on a fine sunny day,
take a boat trip away from the fray
to a beach that's unsoiled
by the masses; unspoiled.
it's a cove?that's a very small bay.
"
"gather raspberries?fingers get sore
and stained red with the juice, what is more.
berry?  that's in dispute:
it's an aggregate fruit
having drupelets that grow round a core.
"
"dolly parton's blonde wigs she can keep,
plus her cleavage?eye-poppingly deep.
she's a country-song honey
who spends lots of money
on looking both trashy and cheap.
"
"if you're innocent in a collision
where the guilty one claims, with derision,
he's in no way to blame,
go ahead, do the same;
let the law make the final decision.
"
"although cooped up's a dreary sensation,
it saves facing, with grim trepidation,
the demands of a hike,
or a ride on a bike,
in continuous rain, on vacation.
"
"she has dressed for the corporate do
in a tight-fitting gown with fichu.
the boss has a notion
she's after promotion?
her outfit's an obvious clue.
"
"with the wrong intonation, and sparse
use of consonants?though it's a farce?
to the depths we feel swept,
branded fake, and inept.
we all carry the mark of our class.
"
"caught out, he's been playing with fire.
now he's up to his neck in the mire,
for his wife's not the source
of the heat?he, of course,
knows the consequence.  it'll be dire.
"
"see the crocodile, swimming with style,
eyeing tourists who visit the nile,
gliding closer to thank
any boat with a yank,
as he opens his jaws in a smile.
"
"towards crinolines men used to peer,
but the ladies were safe, never fear:
alongside, you might pace,
but those gowns needed space;
you could look?but you'd never get near.
"
"in a cradle, your baby stays mute?
bed on rockers (the thought is a beaut).
while its motion soothes tums,
babes evacuate bums,
and, throughout the proceedings, look cute.
"
"brushing creosote onto your fence
involves back-breaking effort immense;
so put brushes away,
for today you can spray
coal-tar oil that's distilled.  makes more sense.
"
"since a concept's an abstract idea
with no actual existence, i fear,
through philosopher's eyes
one can merely surmise?
and not really know why we are here.
"
"at his mother's cremation today
there'll be ashes?yet something will stay:
though the curtains will part,
she'll remain in his heart?
not departed, but just passed away.
"
"if of online romance you've grown fond,
then one day you may find you've been conned;
meet before it's too late?
if her pic's out of date,
expectations may not correspond.
"
"if you're weary, relax on a couch
where it's lovely to slump, lie or slouch;
though if someone's been sewing,
you may end up glowing
and needled enough to scream ""ouch!""
"
"a corpulent man went and sat
by a girl who deflated him flat
when he asked her to dance:
""are you nuts? not a chance!
you're not only too old, pal?you're fat.""
"
"consider the wolf-like alsatian?
by police handlers, all through the nation,
it is trained to attack
with bared teeth, yet hold back
and control its instinctive predation.
"
"can i coax you, with wine and with brie,
to come back to my place?  it'll be
a meal not to be missed.
here's the gist: once we've kissed,
if you're easy, you'll find that i'm free.
"
"have some cider?it's apples' surprise,
made from fruit, under somerset skies;
don't abstain like a monk,
but don't drink like a skunk?
leave a bit of the crop to make pies!
"
"i woke up with a crick; i'm a wreck.
see, i'm stuck: i can't move?you can check.
my muscles are tight;
i'm a real sorry sight?
just don't call me a pain in the neck.
"
"with precise navigational leads,
through the traffic the courier speeds.
with his leathers well packed
and two panniers stacked,
he will satisfy customers' needs.
"
"i'm alone in my home all this week
and, upstairs in my bed, hear a squeak;
i'm alert to each sound
of the floorboards?and round
about midnight i freak at a creak.
"
"if you think the word coupling sounds nice
and your mind links to sex in a trice,
well, just get back on track:
it's a clackety-clack
railway wagon's connecting device.
"
"while a crag is a steep rocky place,
often barren, above open space,
you'll feel down-in-the-mouth
if, with jowls so far south,
the word craggy applies to your face.
"
"you're no mate?didn't care that i bled
when i fell and cracked open my head:
never tried to assist;
all i saw was a mist;
you cracked open a bottle instead.
"
"said the farmer, ""a lie-in's a crime,
and i often wish roosters could mime?
though, if ever i botch
the alarm on my watch,
at least someone round here crows the time.""
"
"your first cousin's the child of your aunt,
and geneticists warn us you can't
take a risk with your genes;
common parentage means:
will i say you should marry?  i shan't.
"
"at the seaside there's rarely a lull
from the evil-beaked, beady-eyed gull;
with a blood-curdling cry,
it swoops down from the sky.
folk would kill for the chance of a cull.
"
"choose a cudgel as weapon? you're thick
as this short, rather cumbersome stick!
my advice: fire a gun
from a distance?then run.
don't look back.  stay alive. that's the trick.
"
"""let's spend time in the country!"" (he meant
under canvas?he won't spend a cent)
but while she expects talking
and fine weather walking,
we all know on what he's intent.
"
"they met when her troubles were rife;
he declared, ""you're the love of my life.""
in moments of leisure
he took her for pleasure.
he lied?and it cut like a knife.
"
"to streamline the body, it's clear,
you must cut back on food, wine and beer;
then in slim-fitting jeans,
like you wore in your teens,
you will see in a happy new rear.
"
"to produce what this client's suggested,
extra effort must now be invested;
the specification
means fresh preparation
for custom-built items requested.
"
"""now that straight hair's in fashion,"" said fizz,
""taming curls puts my head in a tizz.
it's a comfort that men
show they've still got a yen
for the bits on my body that frizz.""
"
"children tempted to play hide-and-seek
on the banks of a small narrow creek
will find dangers reside
with the incoming tide?
the outcome of which may be bleak.
"
"for your ice climbs, prepare with some thought.
there are items you'll need to have bought?
such as crampons?spiked plates
for your boots?so your rates
of descent aren't the head-banging sort.
"
"""today, lass,"" winked joe, brash and bold,
""by, i feel like a 20-year-old!""
said his wife, ""well, you're stuck
here with me?so hard luck.""
""some birthday,"" thought joe, ""that's me told!""
"
"once, in village back gardens, a real
man would butcher his pig for a meal;
and the portions were big?
since, regarding the pig,
you can carve every bit but the squeal.
"
"""it's my trousers,"" squeaked bert to bettina,
""they're too tight!""  now, although he's grown keener
on this beautiful girl,
certain thoughts that unfurl,
by necessity, have to be cleaner.
"
"the compartment was empty.  he saw
'ladies only' and silently swore.
every seat there was spare?
but, forbidden in there
with his lady, he walked past the door.
"
"a centilitre (written cl)
is too little to seem all that swell
to a throat, dry and sore?
but when thirsting for more
in the desert, it feels like a well.
"
"at the country fair, reading a caption:
for sale: needs extensive adaption,
said some guy with a leer,
""add a knob to the gear
and it could be a useful contraption.""
"
"he agrees that his gambling affection
is to blame for his total rejection;
now he's counting the cost
of the wife that he's lost
as he faces complete de-selection.
"
"i'm content, though i may seem bereft
of home comforts; i'm sprightly and deft
and i'm no ragamuffin.
i started with nothin'
and look?i've got most of it left!
"
"this motherhood role can be trying;
her newborn has hardly stopped crying.
she feels like a dope
when she's asked, ""can you cope?""
while her will to keep living is dying.
"
"in the fells, photographing a stag,
if you're lost, at the edge of a crag,
check your compass, at least,
for north, south, west and east.
if you fall, you'll come home in a bag.
"
"if you're given the task of compiling
detailed company data for filing
and then saving on disk?
to avoid any risk
of more work, just look busy?no smiling.
"
"you'd be wise to stay wary of mary:
with un-maidenly biceps, she's scary;
to answer our need,
she churns at great speed,
to make butter from cream in the dairy.
"
"with its bright yellow, trumpet-like part,
every daffodil heralds the start
of the triumph of spring;
massed together, they bring
such a fanfare of joy to the heart!
"
"the family bills were a blight,
and he often lost sleep in the night;
but the sight of his son
running round, full of fun,
shouting, ""daddy!"" made everything right.
"
"a cup's a bowl, handled and small,
used when mother-in-law pays a call;
filled with tea and then laced
with enough milk to taste.
adding sugar may sweeten her gall.
"
"a cubbyhole isn't a crack,
or a box, or a shelf, or a rack;
it's a space, very small,
often set in a wall
to house things you should dump round the back.
"
"a cockerel's head bears a crest
(many birds think a big one is best);
it's a badge, coat of arms;
when i'm hiking, it charms
as the peak of the hill where i rest.
"
"at the courtroom, she tries not to smile.
co-respondent?she's dressed to beguile?
in her seventh divorce,
she feels anguish, of course,
but celebrities do it in style.
"
"common crab's a marine-found crustacean
and an edible shellfish creation.
caught in pots near the shore,
just crack open each claw
for crab salad: a gourmet sensation.
"
"being culpable means you've been named
as the culprit; so now you'll be shamed
for the damage you've done
to what's owned by the one
who's declared you deserve to be blamed.
"
"sneered the pirates, ""girls, welcome aboard?
you outshine all the treasure we've stored!
our curved blades will persuade
any hesitant maid...""
(and each cutlass is marked, once they've scored.)
"
"at the henley regatta he sat
with his chums, by the thames, on the flat.
round his neck he has shun
a bow tie in the sun?
though he'll toy with his silken cravat.
"
"though young mike is a tearaway tyke,
for his birthday, dad got him a bike;
now he cycles at speed
and he's soon in the lead?
it beats riding that rusty old trike!
"
"big jock got his kilt in a tangle
when his sporran got caught in the mangle;
he's still handsome and brave,
but the lassies all crave
the bits he can no longer dangle.
"
"a curly-haired inmate can't wait
to be freed to her love at the gate;
and she's vowed to be true
if he'll bring some shampoo
which she'll need when she tries to go straight.
"
"new parents have scant chance to frolic,
once their personal space turns shambolic,
if the screaming with pain,
that may drive them insane,
means their babe has abdominal colic.
"
"when two naval cadets, full of brew,
went for haircuts, the sniggering grew;
they had asked for a trim?
""though,"" said one, ""not like him,
'cause he's just said he fancies the crew.""
"
"see the girls on the track, tall and slim,
sporting shapes unbelievably trim.
that one's first off the bend?
but her triumph will end
when results show this 'her' is a him.
"
"all through childhood, our crab apple tree
was the herald of springtime for me;
putting winter to flight,
fluffy blossoms, snow-white?
but its fruit was as tart as could be.
"
"though an ambulance comes when you're ill,
or have had a bad accident?still,
i will never take part
in a sport (cross my heart)
where one's parked at the foot of a hill.
"
"when he can't see his toes for his chest
and his tum 'neath that supersized vest,
yet his wife says he's hot?
though he knows that he's not,
what he does know is, she is the best!
"
"for my little pet pooch, would i pay
for a dog collar, jewelled?  no, i'll pray
that perhaps if i pick a
plain band, like a vicar,
then nothing will lead her astray.
"
"if you're charged an extremely small fee
for financial advice, check to see
the investment is sound;
take a good look around?
p'raps it's not all it's cracked up to be.
"
"if allergies give you the hump,
don't go scratching that blister or bump.
rub in cortisone cream;
it will work like a dream
to soothe both the itch and the lump.
"
"if sweet pictures of little bo peep
featured crutchings, she'd probably weep;
it's the wool that hangs down,
often smelly and brown,
from the hindquarters end of a sheep.
"
"town councillors meet for debates,
then change policy; everyone hates
to see council tax rise,
though concedes that, with sighs,
it's the law, and we must pay the rates.
"
"creepy crawlies, that come out at night,
cross my carpet and give me a fright;
yes, i know that they're there
and my house i must share?
i just wish they would stay out of sight!
"
"two-door car, sloping roof?you're a fan
of the coup?. now you are the man
who can still pick up chicks
for a snog at the flicks.
well, okay, go ahead?while you can.
"
"when we speak of the universe, we
talk of cosmos, but how do we free
up our minds to this part:
what was there at the start
totals all that there ever can be?
"
"numbered countless, those stars within sight
beam their fire through the blackness of night;
and beyond are still more.
they all fill me with awe
and our clear cloudless evenings with light.
"
"the priest smiles benignly and bows
to miss tibbs, whom he's keen to arouse;
there's a challenge for him!
(though his prospects look slim,
for just looking is all she allows.)
"
"in fabric, a crease or a crinkle
can be ironed out?unlike a wrinkle,
where, to smooth out the place
where deep lines cross the face,
best distract with a smile and a twinkle.
"
"with our suitcases stored by each bed
in our cabin, we're cruising the med,
where we'll lap up the fun,
blowing bucks in the sun?
though we'll sometimes go shopping instead!
"
"aching joints can't maintain a low crouch,
and with legs tightly bent, you'll say ""ouch!""
as your knees start to hurt?
you'll be snappy and curt
and you'll quickly turn into a grouch.
"
"in recordings for radio, it's  plain
that, for sit-coms, applause must not wane;
so they teach you to cheer
like you've been on the beer?
whoop and whistle, and laugh like a drain.
"
"when a problem's been solved, it's been cracked;
could be damage when china's unpacked.
i'd advise you refrain
from the drug crack cocaine,
and ""let's go have some crack"" means ""let's yack!""
"
"the abbot was crabby and cross;
he would soon show these monks who was boss.
""this manuscript's hazy?
quite crabby?you're lazy;
and blots mean half rations: your loss.""
"
"if your name's on the signature line
and alongside another's, that's fine;
no fraudster can wreck
cashing in of a cheque
when one of you must countersign.
"
"a crevasse is a deep glacial crack,
where a ladder's required, as a track,
so you're able to cross,
between sides, without loss
of your life (or the pack on your back).
"
"with crimplene, you're ready to go;
crease-resistant, this fabric will show
that quick-drying synthetic,
for lifestyles frenetic,
is practical.  sexy?  well, no.
"
"succession relies on a spare,
and a king needs to demonstrate flair
so the nation's in thrall
of his status; then all
may be well for the crown prince, his heir.
"
"he'd been sent with instructions for paint.
she'd said pale azure blue would look quaint;
but the turquoise-y gleam
on the lid made her scream,
""that's not azure!""  ""it is.""  (but it ain't).
"
"they left the high flyers' fast lane
of society, seeking a reign,
man, of peace from above
in their commune of love,
where the smoke from the dope dulls the brain.
"
"each tutor who brings out a smile
makes clear, in a very short while,
conducive to earning
respect, then, is learning
that humour enhances your style.
"
"someone's been to the store for a pack
of those double-choc cookies?attack!
sneak a few in your diet
and crunch, on the quiet,
this sweet irresistible snack.
"
"feeling sluggish?  relax and go sup
steaming lemon green tea to perk up;
antioxidant too,
it will cleanse you right through?
wait and see what it does to your cup!
"
"""at noon, let the battle commence""
was the order.  the atmosphere's tense
in the foot-soldiers' ranks?
they are dying for thanks
from the generals, thirty miles hence.
"
"his candle's gone out and it's cold
at the coalface, by seams of ""black gold"".
the dark makes him fearful;
all day he's been tearful.
first shift?and just seven years old.
"
"the word cob means a small-legged horse,
and you'll find it is also the source
of a hazelnut's name,
ear of maize, while the same
is a loaf, plus a male swan, of course.
"
"always known as a bit of a gel,
now her business card 'fifi la belle,
escort services' calls
down from phone kiosk walls
luring those she would call clientele.
"
"someone knocked at her door and then went,
so she looked out to see what it meant;
his big bunch of flowers
adds bloom to his powers
through beauty and love, heaven scent.
"
"""it is crucial,"" you hear the boss say,
""that this document go out today,""
and his urgent request
means you've no time to rest,
since it's vital you do not delay.
"
"a cruet is placed on the table,
for guests, so each diner is able
to add pepper or salt
(over-seasoned? your fault!),
or some mustard, from pots with no label.
"
"""come with me?in the sea we'll be free!""
panted beautiful call girl marie;
but he found, to his cost,
that the moment was lost:
the voluptuous 'she' was a he.
"
"my dislike of the crane fly i show
when it flies in my face?i shriek, ""no!
daddy-longlegs!  get out!""
and i flick it about;
yet it lingers, ungainly and slow.
"
"if a limerick, lewd in its mood,
is too heavily weighted with crude,
then it's one to detest.
innuendo is best?
for a verse that just hints at what's rude.
"
"will is aerodynamically wise
to go cycling so hard with the guys.
plus, those pads that enhance
what he has in his pants
keep this guy out in front. (girls: it's lies.)
"
"""i'm committed to caesar.  all hail!""
cried a roman, too eager for bail;
but his loyalty left
him no license for theft,
and he's just been committed to gaol.
"
"there's a pirate they called peg leg greg
who was not all that bad of an egg.
he saw dust, gave a sigh:
""well, i'm stumped; i could cry.
i've got termites attacking my leg!""
"
"saying darling shows love, he will claim.
maybe so, though when used in the game
of romancing may mean
other dates on the scene?
and he's simply forgotten your name!
"
"it is said that a place pearly-gated
may await, once you're dead and cremated;
but with ash in the grate,
you're already ""the late"",
so there's really no rush to get crated.
"
"this biscuit, though fragile and thin,
made of rye, can help dieters win.
when a cheat or a nutter
spreads crispbreads with butter,
all crumble in shame at the sin.
"
"england cricketers' scoring is slow;
now ""bad light has stopped play"", in they go;
no more cries of ""howzat!""
all's not lost, for all that?
we may yet declare, ""jolly good show!""
"
"""hey, just hold it right there!  what's your name?""
the instructor called out, as he came
round the corner.  ""bad luck?
and your mates passed the buck
when they scarpered?so you'll take the blame.""
"
"we assumed he was taking a leak
in the open (though no-one dared peek);
but young paul, standing tall,
sprayed his ""p"" on the wall,
signing off with creative technique.
"
"it was fate he espied tasty kate,
who stoned palm fruit from early till late.
in the afternoon heat,
he declared, ""you're so sweet?
can i pick you to be my next date?""
"
"rick had dreamt that he fell off a cliff,
and, as usual, has woken up stiff.
he is heartily sick
of this neck-ache?this crick?
so it's not what you're thinking. (as if!)
"
"a ruminant's teeth work the cud:
chewed-up grass and microbial crud.
cows regurgitate?chewing
it over?then spewing
out dung in a sticky brown flood.
"
"a crustacean survives rather well
out of water, inside its hard shell.
watch its claws if you grab
any lobster or crab
to take to the fish quay to sell.
"
"a cracker's a biscuit with crunch
that snaps into bits as you munch;
it's unsweetened and dry,
but a treat to the eye
when it's heaped with cheese salad, for lunch.
"
"your boss launched a verbal attack,
while you stood there and took all the flak;
since the crap that you took
got your mate off the hook,
let's just pray it's not you gets the sack.
"
"a mind that expands helps you gain
the most from a life that is sane;
though some intellects bright
shine from skulls that are slight,
there are big-heads who use half a brain.
"
"don't delay or you'll risk tempting fate:
check that swelling before it's too late;
if the verdict's benign,
then it's harmless and fine
(and what kids say they'll be after eight).
"
"a teasing, flirtatious coquette,
called odette, spins the wheel for roulette,
both aware of her game
and the punters' main aim:
a chance of her number?you bet!
"
"you'll discover, when mowing your grass,
stalks of rye will resist, in a mass,
and bounce up in a line?
but you'll clip them just fine
if you cross-cut the next time you pass.
"
"once the china's been nicely arrayed,
great aunt may, taking tea in the shade,
holds her cup, finger angled;
all necklaced and bangled,
she smiles to see effort's been made.
"
"back home, it had seemed quite a lark
to go surfing with mates after dark;
but the shadows of night
are concealing the sight
that they've gained a new mate?it's a shark!
"
"wives would sew by an old ticking clock
(often sitting on chairs they could rock)
threading small needle eyes,
and say, ""darn it!"" with sighs,
""why, this hole is the size of the sock!""
"
"it was really the luck of the draw
that, as parents, they liked what they saw.
their son's choice had been carried
right through, and he'd married
his girl?now their daughter-in-law.
"
"ladies saw him and swooned: ""he's so dashing!""
and the other men saw their hopes crashing
like the waves on the shore;
but he's handsome no more?
the result of a jolly good thrashing.
"
"a damson's a small purple plum
which, though tasty in pies for your tum,
must have sugar?so count
out a generous amount?
or the tartness makes pudding-time glum.
"
"growing up, as a surly young lad,
when he'd hung out with mates and been bad,
and was sent up to bed,
with cross words being said?
now he sees it: the love of his dad.
"
"cobbled street, terraced homes of red bricks?
much-loved corrie's an intertwined mix
of complex relations
in fraught situations?
and for millions, a thrice-weekly fix.
"
"she tried out her daughter's new hopper,
and foolishly ventured to top her;
but her skills on the bounce,
which turned into a flounce,
bruised her pride, as this mum came a cropper.
"
"all ten cuticles (base of the nail)
should be gently eased back, without fail,
every week. if for speed,
you use scissors, they'll bleed;
then, ""my manicure's ruined!"" you'll wail.
"
"a cucumber's juicy?just munch
on this long green-skinned fruit;  i've a hunch
with one bite, you would see
and, i'm certain, agree
it could give your guy's lunch box more crunch.
"
"when a rather depressed point of view
seeks to damper, the aim's to subdue.
if a keyboard string's dampered,
vibration is hampered.
after flue fitting, damper anew.
"
"a dandy-brush, used without force
by lucinda, when grooming her horse,
is a valuable bit
of this stable girl's kit,
and will make him look good on the course.
"
"in just twenty-four hours day is done
(one rotation of earth) and each one
includes night-time. okay?
yet in ""how was your day?""
we mean daytime: just half its full run!
"
"there's no need to coerce or use force
to make kids drink their milk; mix this sauce:
sweetened cornflour, as filler,
milk, eggs and vanilla.
delicious!  it's custard, of course.
"
"as a child, almost bare, i would freeze,
running wild on the beach in the breeze.
but i wasn't so free
once i'd been in the sea?
woolly bathing suit sagged to my knees!
"
"a cutting remark inflicts pain.
plant cuttings, you pot up again;
some cuttings are snipped
from the paper?or ripped
through the hills to make space for a train.
"
"skinny girls turn men off like a shot,
while the curvy ones teach them a lot
about hips, bust and waist?
when the ratio's laced
into clothing that's skimpy and hot.
"
"when told to pull over and stop,
fred eyeballed her chest through her top;
then, cutting emission,
asked, ""what's the position?
with you, darlin', it's a fair cop.""
"
"placed under a witch-doctor's curse
by strange incantations?or worse,
such as voodoo-doll pins?
if you pay for your sins,
it won't be with a wallet or purse.
"
"a cummerbund goes round the waist
of a man (it's considered good taste
when this sash hides the gap
where a button may snap)
and keeps overhung girth finely placed.
"
"a curvature, twisting the spine
to one side, can disable; the sign,
as the vertebrae strain
causing terrible pain,
is a hump where you're bent out of line.
"
"in the countryside, riding a bike,
spinning wheels take you off where you like;
whereas, here at the gym,
where you cycle to slim,
you see less than you would on a hike.
"
"when a voice on the phone, keen and bright,
says, ""get rich! change your life?from tonight!""
and investments you make
all turn out to be fake,
you've been conned. feeling stupid?  (too right.)
"
"in a cult there's intense admiration
for the leader, whose close observation
will ensure you're fixated
on rules he's dictated,
in ways that prevent deviation.
"
"the end of the sleeve on your shirt
is the cuff; but stay fully alert
in a fisticuffs fight
for some might from the right?
a cuff that's intended to hurt.
"
"when daisies are dotting the lawn
that needs mowing, your kids have you torn:
""they're so pretty and white?
dad, don't cut it tonight!""
(if you do, you'll be scorned in the morn.)
"
"rob was late every day and he slacked
at his job?then stole food, and was sacked.
so to settle the score,
he set fire to the store:
what a dastardly way to react!
"
"errol's instincts can verge on the feral,
which is likely to land him in peril
with his current lass pearl,
who's one gem of a girl?
though she's not a choice morsel like beryl!
"
"highland dancing may prove a bit risky
if a scotsman's been downing the whisky,
and the kilt lifts its pleats
so the lassies see treats
that show more than his sporran is frisky.
"
"are there any guys feeling the hots
for those girls who wear baggy culottes?
opinion's divided?
though most have decided
a flirt in a skirt calls the shots.
"
"a curtsey, a sign of respect
by a lady, who's quite often decked
out in gems and long frock,
must not wobble or rock,
or the dignified movement is wrecked.
"
"rude shoppers can give staff a fright
when bad attitude carries real bite;
but they come with a stash
(credit, bank cards and cash)?
hence the saying: ""the customer's right!""
"
"dwarf-sized dahlias don't need much room:
throughout summer, they vividly bloom,
grouped in pots, close together;
in inclement weather
store tubers inside: frost spells doom.
"
"whispered liz, with a grin, ear to ear,
""my tiaras are kept crystal clear;
and their diamond-like glint
holds no trace of a hint
that a dishwasher's cleaned them all year!""
"
"the girls who excite at the gym
remain focussed and balanced and grim
as they take to the floor?
though the men focus more
on each tight little buttock and limb.
"
"cardboard tubing, wrapped tightly in cr?pe,
is a useful cylindrical shape
for your kid's model ship?
and this 'funnel' won't slip
if secured with some sticky-backed tape.
"
"any boxer who fights, i've no doubt,
will regret taking part in a bout
if it's come to a head
and, knocked out, he's half-dead?
and fed soup (maybe punch?) through a spout.
"
"when you enter a menacing place
where there's danger, your heartbeat will race?
and with senses alert
to avoid getting hurt,
the anxiety shows in your face.
"
"when you wake to the blackness of night
and you flick on the lamp, it's so bright
that you're dazzled; you find,
for a moment, you're blind,
as your eyes readjust to the light.
"
"a domestic, employed by lord bailey,
appears every morn, laughing gaily;
she does carpets and floors,
bathroom fitments, and doors?
and much more.  she's an excellent daily.
"
"yes, your scheme's fallen flat. i shan't thank
you for bringing me somewhere that's dank;
this cave's damp, and it's dark,
and too cold for a lark?
take me home! look, my hair's gone all lank.
"
"when part of your body is maimed
and it wasn't your fault, the one blamed
must pay damages?based
on the problems you faced:
compensation for injury claimed.
"
"in the talent show, arguments tore
through the judges, as acts took the floor.
when the 'ground-breaking choice'
had an ear-splitting voice,
the whole nation was shocked to the core.
"
"her student life frequently laced
with spirit, she's no longer chaste;
that extra-curricular
time, in particular,
means she's enlarging her waist.
"
"ed long sends the kitchenware crashing,
keenly dashing to take on the mashing
of potato for lunch?
while his wife packs a punch
with her usual ""ed, dear, you're smashing!""
"
"when you're crucified people will tie
all your limbs to a cross, put up high.
only smashing your knees
will bring agonised ease
that will hasten the time when you die.
"
"to preserve working parts that must dangle,
and save fretting that bits may entangle
in a fight with a lady
whose tactics are shady?
hang your hopes on a verbalised wrangle.
"
"guys all buzz around long-limbed louise
who, cross-legg?d, will freeze in the breeze.
she's a flair for a skirt
that shows all! what a flirt!
but this honey knows she's the bees' knees.
"
"it's christmas tomorrow.  make haste
to the shops. get a move on. don't waste
any time.  fill your bags?
speed up?rattle your dags!
then race home: you've a turkey to baste.
"
"she just fell off her bike?elbows grazed?
and lies stunned on the ground with eyes glazed.
though she senses commotion,
as yet she's no notion
of pain while she's totally dazed.
"
"to the white-speckled field 'cross the stile,
with my friends i would go, for a while,
to sit daisy-chain making.
stems frequently breaking,
we'd thread from a dainty white pile.
"
"when people grin: ""you're a dark horse!""
they may give you a cause for remorse;
for those talents you chose
not to show, they'll disclose
(and embellish what's juicy, of course!).
"
"nosey toddlers, wide-eyed, gaze around?
keen to show you whatever they've found
on a walk. when they do,
they'll be dawdling too:
slowly dragging their feet on the ground.
"
"some adulterous statesmen, who've whinged
about 'media intrusion', are tinged
with political guile.
they hide lies with a smile.
i've recoiled from deceit?yes, i've cringed.
"
"a knight of the realm holds the same
rank and status as that of a dame;
and, bestowed by the queen,
these high honours are seen
as awards of the highest acclaim.
"
"if your friends all appear to deter
you with hints that it's best you defer
your proposed course of action?
despite its attraction,
perhaps you'd be wise to concur.
"
"a fabric like gauze, or like lace,
has a fragile and delicate face?
as do folk who have shown
that to illness they're prone,
and need tact, and a slowing of pace.
"
"got your dander up means you feel mad,
and frustrated and angry. it's sad
when your level of stress
only worsens the mess,
and what could have been sorted turns bad.
"
"if you lied with intention to hide
what is true, then it's clear you denied
what you knew to be right.
now you can't sleep at night
for the guilt that you carry inside.
"
"when he swears you're the one all his life
he's been searching for?wait for the strife.
though his words may sound sweet,
they are clothed in deceit:
he's deceiving both you and his wife.
"
"in prayers for one lately deceased,
there is hope that the life now released
from the world that we see
has, through death, become free
to enjoy all the fruits of god's feast.
"
"the challenge for cops on the beat,
when faced with a fight in the street,
is defusing the tension
and quelling dissention,
to stop an explosive repeat.
"
"lack of funds means no chance of salvation
for the masons' now crumbling creation;
and as hour follows hour,
stones will fall from the tower
that is cursed by deterioration.
"
"when we witness the full subjugation
of the tribesmen who founded a nation,
there's no hiding the facts
that, through plundering acts,
they have suffered complete depredation.
"
"you're unlikely to witness a burst
of emotion from girls who rank first
in appearance demure?
but, though modest and pure,
sometimes quiet girls turn out the worst!
"
"a deluge is when heavy rain
falls in torrents, and earth cannot drain?
which means homes built on mud
run the risk that the flood
will cause landslides and terrible pain.
"
"when nation is set against nation
in a borderline war situation,
a new boundary set
may well limit the threat
of recurrence, with clear demarcation.
"
"to be certain of social inclusion,
he pretended great wealth; but confusion
has now taken its place?
disbelief on the face
of his wife, facing up to delusion.
"
"on morns that make lesser guys shiver,
mick the milkman sets hearts all a-quiver:
""have you tasted my cream?""
he inquires with a gleam,
""for it's not only milk i deliver.""
"
"an intended deliberate act
can arise from a pre-arranged pact:
like when bullies at school,
who set out to be cruel,
are determined to make it a fact.
"
"the wisdom displayed by a sage
earns him deference into great age.
he may pause and reflect:
all that gentle respect
is in contrast to much of life's rage.
"
"""a deckchair's the best place to eat
fish and chips!"" said my dad?and this treat
he'd consume, in his vest,
with his knees to his chest,
in the scoop of the canvas-slung seat!
"
"with each decade i live through i face
the bleak prospect i'm losing the race:
ten more years have flashed by
in the blink of an eye.
i think someone's been upping the pace!
"
"what's beyond, some believe, will transcend
moments shared with a family or friend;
but, accepted by all
is, when death pays a call,
fragile life, as we know it, will end.
"
"when out cycling, he cannot be beat;
see him pedal past fields full of wheat.
the wind's in his hair
and he hasn't a care.
(except to stay clear of the seat!)
"
"at dead ends, with no choice but to stop,
facing bollards, a wall, or a drop,
wild boy racers will find,
when the law's close behind,
that it's no place to outrun a cop.
"
"when you're deaf voices merge in a crowd,
and the struggle to listen's a shroud.
it can give the impression
you're swamped by depression,
for hearing aids just make noise loud.
"
"his dashing good looks made folk scoff,
""quite a catch?though a typical toff:
having had his own way
with his girl of the day,
he's too quick off the mark to dash off.""
"
"when a bend is ahead, brake to heed
the decelerate signs: cut your speed.
be aware when you drive
that you may not survive
the full distance correction will need.
"
"if a price on your head has been set,
but exchange of the payment's not met
by the specified time,
then the subsequent crime
proves the deadline was no idle threat.
"
"what gives long-suffering teachers the hump?
it's when students switch off and then slump
with that unseeing gaze,
in a daydreaming daze?
but a ""you boy!  wake up!"" makes them jump!
"
"intelligence level should never
be judged upon earnest endeavour.
through experience, i find
exercising the mind
doesn't actually make you more clever.
"
"fluffy dandelion blooms are sublime;
every flower is welcome?a crime
for adults to destroy.
kids can make one a toy:
as a clock that will tell them the time!
"
"by submitting this limerick, i've stated
that its merits may now be debated;
and, with minimal fuss,
any change we'll discuss,
while ensuring it's topic-related.
"
"desert visits are much over-rated;
there's a risk you'll become dehydrated.
the initial sign's thirst;
organ failure's the worst.
""pack some water!"" is not over-stated.
"
"when betting, each call risks a fall.
it's this danger that holds us in thrall.
odds are slim? hang on in!
there's a chance that you'll win?
although fat chance means no chance at all!
"
"at first light, when my slumber is deep,
the dawn chorus revs up?and i weep.
birdsong shatters the air.
woken up, i don't care
for its beauty. i just want to sleep!
"
"he gasped, ""it's an effort to woo.
just give me a breather, eve, do.
you're cute and you're lean,
and a real love machine?
but lass, i'm a-hundred-and-two!""
"
"since none of the team who is rowing
can actually see where he's going,
all rely on the cox.
this activity rocks?
especially when winds are a-blowing!
"
"it's not brains that define a go-getter,
since the cleverest folk can be wetter
than the foggiest day.
and that leads me to say:
knowing more doesn't mean knowing better.
"
"his countenance, eager and crude,
gives the signal his thinking is rude.
i think she'll be missing
the usual kissing:
she's facing a guy in the mood.
"
"a dalmatian's a dog that has lots
of white hair?plus a mass of black spots
that completely encase
its lean frame, tail to face,
like a blotter that's spattered with blots.
"
"whispered grave-robber mouldy old meg
to her client, ""you want it? you beg.
i'll be going in deep
so the price will be steep:
it'll cost you an arm and a leg.""
"
"""a shape that my clothing will flatter!""
said flo. ""as we age, such things matter.
so i  eat less for dinner;
my hair's getting thinner?
but everything else just grows fatter!""
"
"sunday lunchtimes we gather to talk
and to savour each piece on the fork;
but we join in the din
when the crackling's brought in?
that's the crispy browned skin of the pork.
"
"when you chat with a friend who's dejected,
you will empathize, feeling affected.
pretty soon you'll have sussed
from the problems discussed
that you should have remained disconnected.
"
"an asthmatic old prof?quite a boffin?
breathed his last in a bad fit of coughin'.
though 'twas not the prof's cough
that carried him off,
but the coffin they carried him off in!
"
"""times are tough,"" sighed the queen. ""it's demeaning
that buck house?the true story is screening.
money's tighter each year?
now my subjects will hear
that i have to help out with the cleaning!""
"
"you will find not a scrap goes to waste
when a meal is delicious.  make haste
to partake and to savour
delectable flavour
of food with the yummiest taste.
"
"those who seek to demilitarise
their defence troops from land, sea and skies,
will be risking attack
with no means to fight back,
and few nations consider this wise.
"
"several medics have tried to revive
the sick patient in room number five;
yet his body lies still.
he's declared more than ill?
in fact, brain dead: no longer alive.
"
"she declared, ""i don't care what you say?
firm and resolute's how i shall stay.
i am standing my ground,
for my thinking is sound.
i'm determined to do things my way!""
"
"hey, the strangest sensation just grew
that this place seems familiar?it's true!
yes, i feel pretty sure
that i've been here before.
and i sense this is called d?j? vu.
"
"in disasters, the ones left alive
cling to hope that some aid will arrive;
and there's realisation
that wild desperation
leads people to kill to survive.
"
"be aware, if you cherish the notion
to swear loyalty, love and devotion
to a girl?she'll take flight
if her feelings are slight
and she doesn't return such emotion.
"
"famous folk held in high estimation
by society feel degradation
when reporters' intrusions
destroy such illusions?
to swell magazine circulation.
"
"your habits appear detrimental
to your teeth; seems you haven't been gentle
on your smile with those treats?
sticky cakes, gooey sweets?
so decay isn't coincidental.
"
"so your gums went all puffy and red,
and your molars were pulled from your head?
grin and bare it; though plastic,
your smile's still bombastic
with dentures now gleaming instead.
"
"his desire was growing: ""i ache
for a taste of your sweet honey cake.""
she said, ""step off the gas
for i shan't be a lass
with a bun in the oven to bake.""
"
"based on hype, advertising and spin,
dermabrasion?removal of skin?
leaves you scabby and red;
but, once healed, it is said,
you will love the new face that you're in.
"
"a kid that's too short for the loo
will pass urine, and defecate too
when secure on a potty.
what comes from his botty
he'll proudly proclaim: ""look, a poo!""
"
"when a man's spent all night drinking beer
what's desirable seems very clear;
but the cold light of day
will reveal where he lay?
and with whom. (should have stopped at the leer!)
"
"deleterious things harm your health,
like when poison produces a wealth
of effects that act fast
and kill quickly, or last
for a lifetime, attacking by stealth.
"
"when thick ice stops you closing the door
of your freezer, it's time for a thaw.
so spread towels all around,
for i've usually found
that defrosting means pools on the floor.
"
"once the enemy's drafts were decoded,
then our scheduled attack plan eroded?
for it soon became clear
an invasion was near.
thus our hopes for advantage imploded.
"
"he moved in, ""it was fate, meeting you.
call it destiny: mine, and yours too,
when we stepped on this beach.""
then she let out a screech:
""call it destiny? i call it poo!""
"
"truly dextrous, with fine motor skill,
she draws book designs using a quill;
and the edgings she's lined
with the letters, entwined,
are now viewed as creatively brill.
"
"desert boots, which to ankles extend,
made of super-soft leather, soon bend.
walk for miles with a smile
in a chic crepe-soled style:
an oasis of calm will descend.
"
"to devote, in your life on this earth,
means you give to a cause that is worth
special effort and time.
(so this isn't a rhyme
where rescinding a vote has a berth.)
"
"death was faced beneath treacherous skies
with no lifeboat to answer their cries;
for, with waves on that scale,
any rescue would fail;
and each fisherman met his demise.
"
"kids build dens close to where they reside:
private hideouts where rules are applied.
to set foot in this place
say the password, or face
the real prospect of being denied.
"
"he was calling from jail, but refrained
from explaining his lateness; it pained
him to urge, ""have your tea,
darling.  don't wait for me.
i'm delayed."" what he meant was detained.
"
"the month of december costs dear.
we buy presents, rich food, wine and beer,
and enjoy christmas day
when our kin come to stay,
while the poor on their own shed a tear.
"
"your dependant relies on you?that
means your kid (even one who's a brat).
and although, in a way,
it's your care makes it stay,
the word doesn't apply to your cat.
"
"if you brush aside all matters dental
and race on through your day, having bent all
the advice for good health?
watch bacteria, by stealth
probing dentine and gums, drive you mental.
"
"her behaviour had started to grate
on his nerves. now, worked up to a state,
he is shouting and cussing.
her flapping and fussing
and dithering means they'll be late.
"
"at a disco, you're in with a chance
of romance, that may start with a dance
and a chat at the bar?
though i doubt you'll get far
with spilled drink down the front of your pants.
"
"when you spitefully spread all those lies
to discredit my name in the eyes
of my colleagues, your aim
to destroy me through shame
didn't work. to retract would be wise.
"
"cousin jane, although eager to greet
any scandal that comes to her street,
says she'll never unfold
any secrets she's told.
though she files away notes, she's discreet.
"
"through the churchyard they came in a surge
of black clothing, fulfilling the urge
to respect his sad passing.
then the mourners amassing
sang a sorrowful  funeral dirge.
"
"if you wake each day yearning for booze
(any drink alcoholic you'll choose)
and your body is raving
with alcohol craving,
these are all dipsomania clues.
"
"if your usual diet's a mess,
'cause at sugar consumption you guess,
and to fats you're addicted,
then life-span's restricted.
to taste a long life, just eat less.
"
"he's done courses to boost his career,
and he interviews well?till they steer
towards years.  he says ""fifty"".
employers turn shifty.
the ageism axe-fall is near.
"
"that his wife will, on purpose, subtract
from her outfit's tagged cost is a fact.
she works hard to perfect
what she's keen to protect:
a deceitful deliberate act.
"
"with a deficit, now it's transpired,
as accountant, you should have been fired;
for the total falls short
of the figure it ought
to have shown, and the profit required.
"
"if you're deputised, out on the beat,
when you had a bad day in the heat,
just take care this cop's not
gonna prove that he's hot?
and step in to take over your street.
"
"""my divorce has come through,"" declared royce.
""i broke free!  it's a cause to rejoice!
marriage isn't a word?
it's a sentence incurred.
feels like life, if you make the wrong choice.""
"
"bessie longed to look youthful and flighty,
so she donned a diaphanous nightie;
but material sheer
makes abundantly clear
that her muscles are massive and mighty.
"
"a diamond's a hard precious stone,
highly prized in a ring.  if the tone
of your girl makes it clear
she is eager to steer
you towards one, you may need a loan.
"
"when a flower is picked, it's no lie
that the plant gives an audible sigh.
in a vase blooms survive
for a time?even thrive?
but too soon fade and wither, then die.
"
"she has gone. he is left with remorse
for his actions that sent him off course.
his regret, he can see,
means he'll never be free,
even after they've been through divorce.
"
"all american's one you may wish
to try. water pump's not very swish.
but you'll seem limp and meek,
apathetic and weak,
if your handshake's the one called dead fish.
"
"when his car struck a pothole, it bent
his new alloy. there's more to lament:
he was already stressed
(like his wheel, quite depressed)
'cause redundancy notes had been sent.
"
"knock-kneed jock reeks of haggis and neeps
at the ceilidh?he's just eaten heaps;
he'll ask morag to dance
if he gets half a chance;
just the thought of it gives her the creeps.
"
"diminutive means very small,
like the earring i lost at the mall.
it is gem-set and cute,
but proportions minute
mean i doubt i shall find it at all.
"
"eaten food that's gone off?  then i fear
that abdominal  cramps may be near.
there's not much you can do
except?quick, find a loo,
if you find you've acute diarrhoea.
"
"the insurer's reaction pugnacious
doomed my car, once so stylish and spacious,
to be destined for scrap;
and i'm meant for the trap
laid by stingy adjusters predacious.
"
"her attire for the party is crude,
and disguises the fact that she's nude
beneath rustling paper?
but oh, what a caper
when this guy finds out where it is glued!
"
"in a talk with a skilled dietician
(that's an expert on food and nutrition),
she will ask what you eat,
then replace every treat
so that weight loss will gain its fruition.
"
"a good diagram (drawing schematic)
helps avert any action erratic
by mechanic or fitter.
with this he's no quitter
when he's fixing what moves or stays static.
"
"the 'restructuring' talk was a lie.
i've to leave, and i'm wondering why
i was placed on the list
to let go.  i'm dismissed
as redundant, and soon i shall cry.
"
"""don't worry,"" he snarled, ""have no fear,
for you won't see this guy disappear
far away off the scene
like he never had been.
i am staying for good.  is that clear?""
"
"""to disband? could be good!"" said the crowd,
""for the keyboards and drums are too loud.
and that rough nasal voice
as lead singer?bad choice!
split the group. tell the press that they've rowed.""
"
"wear a diadem (full, gem-set crown)
with a smile, though it's weighing you down.
your royal connection
elicits affection
secured through your grace, not a frown.
"
"dilys hands in assignments complete
and on time.  other pupils she'll beat
through sheer effort (a lot).
she's considered a swot:
always diligent, focussed and neat.
"
"though you'll end up with watering eyes,
slice some onions for french onion pies,
fry in butter, press down,
till the onions turn brown?
by this method, you'll caramelize.
"
"through our viewpoints that differ, we see
what is logical thinking to me
may not seem so to you;
if that's found to be true,
it will mean that we just disagree.
"
"before uttering viewpoints incisive
that you know may be seen as derisive
(and provocative, too),
be aware you may rue
causing splits through your comments divisive.
"
"they are sisters?yet, strange though it seems,
while their genes are of similar streams,
one will shriek, one is meek;
one is chic, one's a geek.
they've quite different natures and dreams.
"
"as fair philippa filleted fish,
men around her were making the wish
she'd lean forward and lay
down herself?and display
to the crowd today's tastiest dish.
"
"with a digital watch there's no chance
of mistaking the time.  a quick glance
at the numbers' display
means there's clearly no way
you'll be late for your date at the dance.
"
"their marriage, she learned, involved force.
shattered dreams! he's as prickly as gorse.
though he acts like a brute,
she can't leave, so stays mute:
he would fight, tooth and nail, a divorce.
"
"since the wedding, she's ruled him by force:
she throws tantrums, and screams till she's hoarse;
and, whenever she's near,
he will cower in fear.
can he summon the strength to divorce?
"
"""i can't pay,"" said the girl, ""not a cent.
though you'll rant, i've no money for rent.""
he said, ""cut to the chase:
put a smile on your face.
let's get cosy."" (rent taken, he went.)
"
"to command high respect, hold your place
with great dignity, calmness and grace
(while those watching may sense
ermine robes leave you tense
and you're struggling to keep a straight face).
"
"when a person is distant, he'll say
very little; and tempers may fray
when, with no explanation,
he shuns conversation?-
his mind set to far, far away.
"
"i receive from my boss a grim clue:
""joe, i'd like a quick word.  come on through.""
and i fear that he'll say:
""our discussion today
needs to centre directly on you.""
"
"if you find, playing golf, there's a spell
when your swing raises divots, don't tell.
with a nonchalant face,
pat the clod into place?
or you'll risk getting turfed out as well.
"
"when you move or slope downward, you dip.
it can mean a short swim. a firm grip
is required when you're dipping
your sheep?don't go slipping
in, too, or you'll look like a drip!
"
"the fact none could compare was laid bare,
so she hired miss long golden hair.
that decision was rash?
as confirmed by the flash
in his eyes when he saw her au pair.
"
"the time of his challenge drew near;
soon her guilt would be tinged with some fear.
when he asked why her hand
had a mark from a band
but no ring, her deception was clear.
"
"you're disconsolate?weary and sad.
all around you things really look bad.
you feel quite out of sorts
with such negative thoughts.
they cast clouds over what you once had.
"
"urged to try online dating, young rod
viewed each profile, and scanned every bod.
he logged on when he could,
so the odds would be good,
but the goods he went out with were odd.
"
"digerati are guys who will claim
expertise on computers. the same
name's applied to those guys
you'll discover are wise.
ask for help and you'll soon see who's lame.
"
"when the music's so loud you can't speak
at the disco, don't act like a geek.
if you want to be heard
when you chat up a bird
on the dance floor, just move in?and shriek!
"
"when appeals for a cause come by letter,
or by phone call (the modern 'go-getter'),
then the cheques you donate
at the time, or post-date,
will leave poor folk, and you, feeling better.
"
"his long ears and sad face mar the poise
other equines display; for the joys
of a donkey are few;
grass and water will do:
stops his braying?a loud honking noise.
"
"some creatures we purposely train
so their wildness is tamed, in the main.
we domesticate just
to get food through the trust
of these beasts. they're retained and then slain.
"
"all these chores, and you haven't a clue
how you'll manage to ever get through.
but don't get overheated:
once each task's completed,
it's done and no longer to do.
"
"when my mum used to call out to me,
""put the cakes onto doilies,"" i'd see
that the small mats of lace
made a pretty fine base.
someone special was coming to tea.
"
"to disintegrate might mean to dash
into pieces, to crush, or to smash.
you can no longer see
what a thing used to be,
and now all that remains will be trash.
"
"the phlebotomist marked, with a dot,
where to stick in the needle. he's not
very good drawing blood.
what a prick!  there's a flood!
though he's thick, he's not that kind of  clot.
"
"in my school sewing classes we had
hours of cross-stitching time; was i glad
when diagonals sat
on each other?but that
wasn't often.  thread frayed.  i got mad.
"
"his diasyrm's one of his schemes
to poke fun at you.  while his face beams,
watch him damn with a hit
of rhetorical wit.
(yes, his praise isn't all that it seems.)
"
"when she gives her new outfit an airing,
does he notice? no chance. now she's glaring:
""can't you say i look nice?""
but her words cut no ice,
for he couldn't care less what she's wearing.
"
"a food delicacy has a great taste,
highly prized. when that's partially based
on the fact that it's rare,
if you're offered a share,
it's a treat you're unlikely to waste.
"
"when you typed up your thoughts in the heat
of the moment, fired up in your seat,
it was lucky for you,
before sending them through,
you erased with the button 'delete'.
"
"his caress, like the silkiest lotion
on her skin, fires the loving emotion
that he longs to confess;
but no words can express
the full depth of his utter devotion.
"
"""i am just going down to the shed
to catch up on some gardening,"" said jed,
but his mags were not there:
his deceit now laid bare
as the shelves.  say your prayers, jed.  you're dead!
"
"when you delegate, then you entrust
to a colleague.  what follows you must
hope results in success
for your firm?not a mess
he'll confess, just before you go bust.
"
"the faint outline that's pencilled in thin
will quite soon be transformed.  from a tin,
each felt pen she'll uncap
with a heart-warming snap
when she needs one for colouring in.
"
"that boy, on his bike, never meant
to collide with my car?but he went
by too close.  now i'm screaming,
for what was once gleaming,
now carries a big ugly dent.
"
"the raw winds of the wide open space
sear the loneliness etched on her face.
he was lost in the war.
now she lives on the moor
all alone in this desolate place.
"
"""i've been jilted!"" screamed mad marianne
to her bridesmaids, fran, jan and diane.
""that twit is the pits!
he should guard all his bits?
i'll denude him of all that i can!""
"
"he sits at the bar, on his own,
and keeps flipping the top of his phone.
there's no message or call
in his inbox at all?
billy-no-mates: as usual, alone.
"
"a comedian's music hall ditty,
seen as racy by toffs in the city,
was a song, sung at speed,
from an orchestra lead,
and was thought jolly fun, and quite witty.
"
"some say that i'm crackers (i'm not,
though i tend to sound muddled?a lot.)
it's a family trait:
blame my great-great-great-great
great-great grandad?he stuttered a lot.
"
"a diploma's a paper award
that is proof your examining board
say the standard attained
by your studies has gained
their approval, with total accord.
"
"school clothes must reflect place and time,
and a skirt worn too short is a crime.
written rules list the kit,
although boys know what's fit,
and zoom in when the legs are sublime.
"
"in divining a path to divinity,
some strive for pure grace through virginity.
worldly pleasures rejected
and scriptures perfected
will earn them true bliss for infinity.
"
"to save one of us grabbing the lot,
a divided up plot's what we got.
and the judgement  was fair:
every heir got a share,
but the squatters got diddly-squat.
"
"yes, that brown stuff that's stuck to my skirt
is quite vile, and the worst kind of dirt.
over cobbles unwashed
through the muck i have sloshed.
say i stink, and you too will feel hurt!
"
"the old tramp looks away, but the pain
of rejection will stick, and remain
with him always. unkempt,
he absorbs the contempt
in their glances of utter disdain.
"
"as she felt the room spinning, slurred lizzie,
""gosh?i'm drunk!  blame the wine: it was fizzy.
though i do love champagne,
both my balance and brain
disagree, when my head goes all dizzy.""
"
"a bowerbird's one who'll select
what other birds tend to reject.
he'll display on a tray
an amazing array?
for his hobby is just to collect.
"
"with a grin, on days sunny and hot,
my young son would say, ""look mum, i've got
out the hose for the flowers.""
but the following hours
would see me getting doused. (quite a lot!)
"
"using credit, folk shop with no doubt
that they'll get what they want?for they flout
what their grannies would say
when they'd no cash to pay:
""oh, no matter. we'll just do without.""
"
"an arrogant boss who'll berate
his assistants as lazy tempts fate.
seen as too domineering
and forceful, he's steering
a path where respect turns to hate.
"
"i am fuming! some soft doggy-do
has invaded the sole of my shoe.
i just walked down the street,
and my sandals, once neat,
are now oozing with stinky brown poo.
"
"a docu-soap's content is grim:
dysfunctional families with dim-
witted underage mothers
and bone-idle brothers
who seek tv fame, on a whim.
"
"yet more paperwork!  i'd had my fill.
i thought skiing would just fit the bill.
i came here for a break,
and i fell. now i ache.
seems my life has just headed downhill.
"
"in the doldrums means down and depressed.
it's an effort to even get dressed.
in this state unattractive,
stagnating, inactive,
you feel 'all at sea', stressed and messed.
"
"storing data was always a breeze
on diskettes used with early pcs.
small-capacity based,
they would soon be replaced
by the product used now?dvds.
"
"a doublet's a man's tudor jacket,
short and fitted.  the ladies all back it
when it's worn with tight hose.
(best not go into those?
or the codpiece that pads out his packet!)
"
"mother said, ""girls will lead you to sin.""
so he kept all his feelings within.
but, denied a girl's kissing,
a pleasure's been missing.
he wishes he'd been taken in.
"
"""really awesome!"" the girl cannot stop.
""life's surreal!"" she spews in a slop
made from language that swerves
in to grate on my nerves.
such descriptions are over the top!
"
"a diphthong: the word sounds absurd
for two vowels, side by side, in a word
(such as ou within loud,
and in proud and in cloud),
in which neither's distinctively heard.
"
"i agreed to go caving with tim
but the outlook was bound to be grim
with the flashlight he'd got.
could we see?  we could not.
torch and tim are both totally dim.
"
"a dialect's a localised change
made to language that broadens its range;
but when use of a word
sounds obscure, or absurd,
then our shared mother tongue can feel strange.
"
"all strong flavours for babes should be muted,
as past sensitive taste buds they're routed.
reduce sharpness of strength
and you'll use but a tenth,
adding water so juice is diluted.
"
"when a line is drawn straight, through the place
between opposite corners, and space
on each side is the same
in a rectangle frame
or a square, that's diagonal.  ace!
"
"our world leaders hold talks and then say,
""very fruitful, our dialogue today.""
over sumptuous meals
they hatch dubious deals,
and shake hands. then they all slip away.
"
"she discoloured my suite with a stain
when she spilled her hot tea.  what a pain!
now the cloth, once pristine
is a strange brownish-green.
she will not be asked over again!
"
"i'd have never guessed that about you;
there was never so much as a clue,
but i know now, of course.
you're what's called  a dark horse?
it just hit me right out of the blue.
"
"by dint of your ample donation
we're able to fund the creation
of a health centre, sited
where lives have been blighted,
a move that will bring jubilation.
"
"when the tide has dumped high on a beach
bits of driftwood, an artist may reach
for the wreckage he spies;
then, with skill and keen eyes,
form spectacular sculpture from each.
"
"the dolphin's a small breed of whale
riding waves on a flick of its tail.
with a cute snout-like beak
it looks friendly and meek,
but it hunts on a wolf-pack-like scale.
"
"she asked philip to bring his big drill;
she's convinced he's the man with the skill.
he has bits in his kit,
and the rawlplugs to fit
any hole. and his nickname is phil.
"
"the prison guard's phone call struck fear:
""send me constables quickly, you hear?
there are getaway gangs
and i think i heard bangs.
i'll be called billy-no-mates, it's clear.""
"
"mum would cook dad's king edwards to nibble.
great as chips or as mash?none could quibble.
dad had sharpened and made
from the shank of a spade
a cheap tool for his planting: his dibble.
"
"slipping up, as he opened some glue,
a guy said to his girl, ""think this through:
now to me you adhere,
we've grown closer, it's clear?
which is fine, since i'm quite stuck on you.""
"
"young montague smithers felt slighted:
""without title or rank, life is blighted.
on my yacht in the med
i take maidens to bed
every evening. i should be first-knighted.""
"
"the announcement, i'm sorry to say,
means my timetable's scuppered today.
but my date, she will wait,
once she knows i'll be late,
for she welcomes a bit of delay.
"
"unemployed, when a job is your goal,
you can quickly sink into a hole
of despair if you see
both your skills and cv
disregarded. need cash? claim the dole.
"
"the poor guy has been hauled up before.
now he faces dismissal. what's more,
he's not union backed
so i think he'll be sacked.
if he is, then they'll show him the door.
"
"she has shopped far too much on the plastic,
so she must make a change?and it's drastic.
she found out she can't force
what's a finite resource,
like her wages, to stretch like elastic!
"
"time and relative dimension in space:
look, the tardis, on earth, has touched base.
doctor who is inside.
once the time lord is spied,
there'll be monstrous new dangers to face.
"
"a down payment's the part that you pay
to secure your new purchase. i say
credit deals, interest-free,
can make sense?but agree
to pay off by the specified day.
"
"growing cannabis plants? can you cope
with our hi-tech police? not a hope
while the lamps in your shed
cause a glow that's bright red
on their night-time surveillance, you dope!
"
"when particular guests come to call
they're invited to walk through your hall
to the drawing room that's
for posh sit-downs and chats
(though no drawing takes place there at all.)
"
"once a poor man would make a small cough
if he needed to speak to a toff.
in that now bygone age,
men would expertly gauge
when to lift up their headgear: to doff.
"
"there's a notebook you keep by your phone
with a pen?so instead of a moan
to alleviate stress,
you can scribble a mess
while you chat.  it's your doodling zone.
"
"luscious strawberries topped with whipped cream
are just bound to give eyes added gleam.
the soft mass that you wallop
on top is a dollop.
each spoonful's a summertime dream.
"
"there are much safer places to go
than the tracks along cliffs, where the blow
of the wind on the top
knocks you over the drop
at the edge, down to rocks far below.
"
"university boffins decree
that a doctorate's a lofty degree;
many credits are earned,
but true wisdom is learned
in real life; it's one long ph.d.
"
"blow quite hard and the note should come through
the long pipe as a deep throaty moo.
you will find, like as not,
that down under's the spot
to go play on your didgeridoo.
"
"bev is buxom, and blatantly blessed
with a beautiful, bounteous breast.
she's aware you will stare,
for it's rare such a pair
is laid bare through a saggy string vest.
"
"though he fights with both fury and grace,
and out-boxes most guys in the place,
i'm his equal: i'm rough.
i'm aggressive, and tough?
and he'd better stay out of my face.
"
"dozy des?none too bright?is delighted
that his troth is about to be plighted.
a bad choice: she looks grim.
but he's always been dim.
in addition, he's also short-sighted.
"
"when his girl starts to scream and talk dirty,
he's put right off his stride, and gets shirty.
ron's a sensitive guy,
and he fails to see why
she finds yelling rude words fun and flirty.
"
"city planners who desecrate leave
a foul mess in their wake, and i grieve
for mass graves disrespected.
new buildings erected
crush the peace that the dead should receive.
"
"distance learning's a sort of a school,
but you study from home.  as a rule,
all the coursework is seen
through a monitor screen:
your computer's the tutoring tool.
"
"you're discountenanced?  maybe you're shamed,
after wrong has been done, and you're named.
you may well feel confused,
if not sorely abused,
when it's found you should not have been blamed.
"
"disemvowel means to cut the vowel bits
from a word; but hang onto your wits
(if at first you're perplexed)
to decipher the text
that could mean either 'tuts', 'tots', or 'tits'.
"
"at school dinner time, nannies make sure
when kids gather for lunch and implore
to be first in the queue,
that those kids face a crew
of strict ladies. behave?or there's war!
"
"the executives finally voted
on your status, and each of them noted
as you'd not been absolved
your position's devolved;
you're suspended, denounced, and demoted.
"
"all the sweet-loving guests in your group
find they've space for a pudding. a scoop
or a slice of dessert
served with cream?a big spurt?
seems to titillate more than the soup.
"
"moaned the pharmacist, ""this is absurd:
these prescriptions are scribbled and blurred;
and it's driving me mad
that, with writing so bad,
i can barely decipher a word.""
"
"a sport of the young urban male:
placing junk on a railway line.  jail
is too good for such louts
when the cops have no doubts
it's so trains will veer off and derail.
"
"for a clear starlit night they had waited,
and they set off with spirits elated;
but they laid out their bed
on sharp stones?so instead
left with airbed, and ardour, deflated.
"
"freshly laundered, clothes look and feel right,
and when washed in detergent, stay bright;
plus according to ads,
sports gear muddied by lads
will emerge looking 'whiter than white'!
"
"exposed publicly, feeling the heat,
his shame grows as he stares at his feet.
misdemeanors are trounced
by the press. he's denounced
as a liar, a rogue and a cheat.
"
"the despatch rider, parcels strapped down,
will perform daring stunts like a clown.
he's a roundabout lout
as he weaves in and out
of the traffic that roars through the town.
"
"he adores her; but, fully aware
of her haphazard ways, could he share
the disorganised life
of a desultory wife
with a dizzy-blonde, scatterbrained  air?
"
"if the stresses of life heat a fire
in your armpits and make you perspire,
and with shame you could weep,
antiperspirant will keep
you much drier, with odour less dire.
"
"the elderly man is thought whingy
by the landlord, who's known to be stingy.
but with dimly lit hall
that sees no sun at all,
the apartment's depressing and dingy.
"
"if a surgeon has fixed your bad hip,
and you wake from your op with a drip
in your arm?while in bed
intravenously fed,
just relax. shut your eyes. get some kip.
"
"with her love in your life you walked tall;
but now dumped, you sit slumped near the wall.
from your hall she departed,
and, crushed and downhearted,
you feel pretty low now?and small.
"
"on this, her retirement day,
she will finally place in the tray
the last draft of a letter,
typed up to look better,
stand tall, and then be on her way.
"
"once tough drovers steered cattle and sheep
over tracks, often rocky and steep.
they would journey for days.
there was scant time to graze
and, till markets were reached, little sleep.
"
"as she drones on and on, talking drivel,
and her head starts that side-to-side swivel,
he will sigh at her fuss,
but will silently cuss.
tests have shown her brain's started to shrivel.
"
"she's about to discover she ought
to have worked for the grade that she sought.
now her nerves are in shreds,
for the moment she dreads
has arrived with her mid-term report.
"
"old miss privet, who's pious and thin,
wears a high-buttoned blouse to her chin.
always modest in dress,
she regrets, nonetheless,
that her clothes tempted no man to sin.
"
"five large gins in a line by the sink?
one, three, five disappeared, with a wink.
she'd explained from the first,
""i've one hell of a thirst,
but my doc says, 'just take the odd drink'.""
"
"watch that icy-cold, crystal-packed heap:
drifts of snow are deceptively deep.
but for deepness that warms,
there's the snugness that forms
in your mind, as you drift off to sleep.
"
"what is time?  can it pause or do shunts?
well, on that, i confess, i'm a dunce.
though it does seem to me
time is so we can be
and stops everything happening at once.
"
"said the priest, ""once i've searched all the floors
i'll discover the home of the whores.
i shall pray i get in,
and then cleanse it of sin.
god is love?and my faith opens doors.""
"
"""you've been cheating!"" she screamed, ""and what for?
all your lies! i can't take any more.
you're a lowlife, a louse.
just get out of this house.""
then she pointedly showed him the door.
"
"""you consider your figure's of note,""
said the head, ""so you flaunt it, and gloat.
both your top and your skirt
are too short.  you're a flirt.
oh, for pity's sake, do up your coat!""
"
"his manner is calm and polite,
for asteism means that the right
way's not blatant. we see
strokes of genius when he
gently mocks: such a delicate bite!
"
"when you're out on a boat after dark,
hooking dogfish may seem like a lark.
but the water beneath
conceals danger: sharp teeth.
though this fish is quite small, it's a shark!
"
"the bullet hits home. the young lout
then recoils at the impact.  his shout
of ""i'm done for! i'm dying!""
is true.  he's past crying,
or lying. he's on his way out.
"
"the young hang-glider, down from the sky,
has just hit the ground hard. will he die?
no, his sensible gear
has a well-padded rear!
he's a practical down-to-earth guy.
"
"students listen with learning curves steep,
hoping knowledge that's gained will be deep.
at the tutor's long discourse
they wonder, ""why this course
of study?"" or else, fall asleep!
"
"raine got drenched in a downpour today.
she's a big girl?what more can i say?
tee shirt soaked to the skin
in well under a min
led to rather a stunning display.
"
"there's no need to be sharp-eyed and brainy
to spot that today will turn rainy,
or to see that i'm ill
and my head wants a pill.
like the day?out of sorts?i feel dwainy.
"
"it can happen when you're in a rush:
there's a crash?then a horrified hush.
shards of glass on the floor:
precious crystal no more.
sweep it up with a dustpan and brush.
"
"the old homestead, abandoned, unsold,
needs a jolly good clean, he's been told.
he unlatches the shutters,
and sneezes and splutters,
from thick clouds of dust, and the mould.
"
"evil forces created this mess;
now he prays that the judge will soon guess
he was threatened with harm.
it was fear and alarm
made him do it while under duress.
"
"a dungeon's an underground cell,
icy cold, dark and damp; life is hell
in this windowless hole
where, unless you're a mole,
pretty soon you won't feel very well.
"
"her voice was so soothing and sweet,
he felt tingles right down to his feet.
gently urging him, ""sire,
come, get warm at my fire,""
he succumbed. dulcet tones had him beat.
"
"he lived life to the full. it caused strife
for this chancer; his troubles were rife.
as a mover and shaker,
and gambling risk-taker,
he played ducks and drakes with his life.
"
"a ducat, italian, and old,
was a coin made from silver or gold;
and man's greed meant its use
led to crimes and abuse
by shrewd merchants, both cunning and bold.
"
"we all stifle our groans as young ross
starts to speak, as he always talks dross.
though he hasn't a clue
about  wages we're due,
we stand silent. his dad is the boss.
"
"an oily young crawler called lawler
called for paula, intending to maul her.
when he drawled, ""y'all alone!""
she said, ""don't take that tone.
you paw paula, you'll find she's a brawler.""
"
"almost speechless with shock, she said, ""gosh!""
when she heard he was hit with a cosh.
blood had gushed from his head,
while the mugger just fled
with the coins in his pocket: his dosh.
"
"when financially strained, short of dosh,
you may have to downgrade. scrub and wash
what you have, but as well,
you may just have to sell
some possessions, now life's not so posh.
"
"the ultimate aim of the drone
is to mate with the queen. one alone.
gets to score. all the rest
are buzzed out of the nest,
and soon die. what a life to have known.
"
"as she grew she was carefully trained
to become a good mother. she's pained
that ten kids in the nest,
and inadequate rest,
mean her body is finally drained.
"
"it's your turn to dry up? what a pain.
why not pause for a bit; use your brain.
just behave like an ass:
drop a plate, or a glass?
and you won't have to do it again.
"
"if your bum's of a size to appall,
look for doorways as wide as they're tall.
if your lump of a rump
takes a bump with a thump
against woodwork, you'll probably bawl.
"
"each bra cup was shaped like a scoop,
and the size of a large dish of soup.
boobs were hoisted in place
between waistline and face;
left to nature, alas, both would droop.
"
"the young lad, who is fresh out of school,
has homed in on a girl playing pool.
he eyes well-rounded hips
and then moistens his lips;
mouth agape now, he can't help but drool.
"
"his new diet, drawn up,  puts a ban
on all fat-laden food, like cheese flan.
while his doc's drawn on skill,
he'll need will to fulfil
such a long-term, drawn out sort of plan.
"
"hey, the funfair's in town! get your cash.
call your mate, hit the dodgems?then crash
your electrical car
into his. you're a star
if you bump him, but dodge every bash!
"
"see the men at the kerb, where they get
a close view of the leggy brunette,
marching smartly. how grand!
she is leading the band,
baton-twirling: the drum majorette.
"
"the black dung beetle crawls through the heat
to find oodles of poo. is it sweet
to lay eggs on the ploppings
of animal droppings?
well, the larvae say, ""yummy! let's eat!""
"
"as a starlet, she daintily dines
upon gourmet-cooked food and fine wines,
so her shape will enthrall.
in that gown for the ball
she will sparkle: dressed up to the nines.
"
"his poor face is all swollen with lumps
from the bout he just lost; and the grumps
he displayed were all caught
in the tv report.
it's no wonder he's down in the dumps.
"
"the rag rug on the cold, stone-flagged floor
holds the damp from the mists on the moor,
while an ill-fitting frame
plays a wild whistling game
with the wind, in the draught round the door.
"
"a dryer's a useful appliance
on which folk will place too much reliance.
to save power, when breezy,
there's nothing more easy
than hanging out clothes: simple science!
"
"his wife cussed: ""you gave in to pure lust!
what of trust? i feel sick with disgust.
while that trollop you pawed
(those were implants!), i scored
on your plastic. you're busted?and bust!""
"
"block-paved driveways, outside your abode,
laid on hardcore, will take all the load
of a van or a car;
and, of course, it's not far
to your door, when you're parked off the road.
"
"at the song with the bawdy refrain,
flo embarrassed her husband again
when she shuffled and wriggled,
and snorted and giggled.
groaned dad, ""your mum laughed like a drain!""
"
"fats and juices have drained from roast meat.
it's called dripping, and folk like to eat
it when cooled, spread on toast.
what i favour the most
is this jelly, a savoury treat!
"
"her belongings have cluttered my pad.
they're all scattered about and look bad.
i should give her a prod?
but that fabulous bod
leaves me helpless. it's driving me mad!
"
"what is distance? how far, here to there,
is important to know.  if aware
you must not arrive late
when you meet your new date,
it will show you've good manners, and care.
"
"he reflects on her features with scorn,
and depicts her skin weathered and worn,
leaving barely a space
between lines on her face.
she looks drawn in the picture he's drawn.
"
"""cicisbeos prove useful,"" she said,
""when my husband's confined to his bed.
if escorted, i'll go
to the musical show.
never fear?i'm not easily led.""
"
"she phoned work: ""i feel dreadful,"" she said.
""i feel sick; i've a terrible head.
i've been up all night, too,
back and forth to the loo.""
(shocking lies for a day off in bed.)
"
"the booze on his breath makes him stink.
(later on, from his fumblings she'll shrink.)
""yeah, the wife dropped me here,""
he said, supping his beer.
""only fair, 'cause she drives me to drink.""
"
"he feels driven to show he can drive,
and so fast, he's the first to arrive.
country lanes drive him mad.
he gets road-rage so bad
that she's fearful she may not survive.
"
"full of dread, the young lad wants to run
from the fray, but there's work to be done.
though his body may shake,
there must be no mistake
with live ammo inside of his gun.
"
"all the drakes feel the urge to show pluck.
into colourful fights they get stuck.
in the spring, when they're fond
of romance on the pond,
every male, win or lose, 'scores a duck'.
"
"dull and dreary, the shadowy light
helps disguise what she turns from in fright;
her reflection adds gloom
to the darkening room.
soon her scars will be hidden by night.
"
"in my childhood, a dustman was strong,
for he worked lifting bins all day long;
carried high on his back,
to the cart, was a knack
he could master, while whistling a song!
"
"""that big oaf seems to come here quite orft,""
tall titania snootily scorfed.
""men like him make one spew.
he is blocking one's view
of the play. one feels awfully dwarfed.""
"
"the army will close-clip my head,
and the loss of my dreadlocks i dread.
once those knots hit the floor
and i'm hairy no more,
i'll have lost not just locks, but my cred.
"
"his home brew's the last of the batch
he's been saving for saturday's match.
with his pals he will sup,
and they'll shout for the cup
between, ""cheers, mate! chin chin! down the hatch!""
"
"in a chair, in despair, he sits slumped,
as if thumped, and he's totally stumped.
feeling too stunned to cry,
he's left wondering why
she walked out with the words, ""you've been dumped.""
"
"what's dyslexia? it's a condition,
though it doesn't require a physician;
written words, seen and read,
get mixed up in the head?
that's no matter how strong your volition.
"
"he's reluctant to spend very much
on his girl. hang the gentleman's touch!
from their very first date
he had thought it first-rate
that she'd share the expense and go dutch.
"
"as she moves through his house, old and musty,
raising clouds from the covers all dusty,
with the cleaning she's gleaming,
and leaning. he's beaming,
for she's bonny and bouncily busty.
"
"watch that cowpat! too late! find a bung
for each nostril. you've trodden among
crusted mounds of brown matter:
organic spewed splatter,
politely referred to as dung.
"
"powdered dynamite, just a few grains,
lifts folk high, but destructively drains;
some inject, or inhale
for that heroin gale:
the explosive effect on the brains.
"
"the size of her boobs caught his eye.
like her fee, they'd been fixed rather high.
he said dryly, ""aha,
when you launder your bra,
does it take that much longer to dry?""
"
"george cried, '""i'll fight the dragon, oh sire,
though the reptile is huge and breathes fire.
thus the princess i'll save
from a grave in the cave.
though she's 'hot', that much heat would prove dire.""
"
"what's the dormant volcano's creation?
fertile soil which will help feed the nation.
but it sleeps. if it's rumbling,
don't wait for the crumbling.
eruptions bring great devastation.
"
"my glum friend wears a grimace that grows;
when she frowns, watch it screw up her nose.
she gets surly and mad,
then gets sulky. it's sad.
what a face?even dour in repose.
"
"crossing two folds of fabric, when coated
in the style double-breasted, i've noted,
helps retain inner heat;
if you're thin, it looks neat.
(it makes big-bosomed ladies look bloated.)
"
"the new medic, young doctor em dee,
came to be our whole family's gp.
her prescriptions for drugs
helped us fight against bugs,
while her nurse checked our blood counts and wee.
"
"oh, those passionate nights, and the days,
when he'd ardently blaze and amaze!
and, though bruising, at least
he excelled at the feast?
while contentment, these days, is a graze.
"
"when your toddler, in shops round the town,
starts to howl, you can settle him down
with some squares of dark choc?
but watch spit run amok
when his dribble turns sticky and brown.
"
"what's a dot? it's a mark, very small,
you can make with your keyboard.  you'll stall
if your typing's a mess
on an email address:
without dots it won't get there at all.
"
"with a double entendre, life's sunny
through a two-meaning phrase, often punny.
skilful wordplay will whizz
up your limericks with fizz?
and makes many indecently funny.
"
"with a ducktail, his image well might
be a flop in the rain. what a sight!
so he'd fix it with spray
and his quiff would then stay
nice and stiff for him, all through the night.
"
"in the gym, those short bars with two weights
help build strength to show off to your dates;
though a low weight just tones
and firms muscles 'round bones,
heavy dumb bells impress all your mates!
"
"being mindful of gas, full of worry,
folk would stub out their fags in a hurry
in the bombed and blitzed '40s,
where cigs, long or shorties,
were given the slang name of durry.
"
"""think on this,"" said the head. ""use your brain.
your behaviour's becoming a pain.
we've discussed this before
at some length. it's a bore.
let's not dwell on this matter again.""
"
"you were happy at home, in your dwelling,
and it's sad you've been forced into selling;
now you're moving away.
how you wish you could stay,
and that tears in your eyes would stop welling.
"
"this disease, running rife through a state,
means for victims it's often too late;
diarrhoea, with cramps,
caused by dysentery, ramps
up the human mortality rate.
"
"entertainment, on telly each night,
piles on pressure: the news must excite.
but when media crews
seek to dumb down the news
to boost ratings, the content is slight.
"
"we're all dubious over your claim
that you once beat the queen in the game
scotland yard. i suspect
the effect was quite wrecked
once you mentioned her majesty's name.
"
"hey, your dug-out's a wooden canoe!
as a shelter from bombs, it won't do;
for a hollowed-out tree
can't protect you or me.
i need underground shelter?you too.
"
"trays sectioned for veg or for meat
called dumbwaiters revolve and look neat.
with one set on your table,
each diner is able
to choose for himself what he'll eat.
"
"hello, duckie's a friendly address,
although lately it's used less and less;
but in norfolk (once stuck
as a child), called my duck,
i'd respond with a ""quack"", i confess!
"
"world war ii, and dunkirk saw retreat;
allied troops on french beaches were beat.
but cool churchill was shrewd?
a new spirit imbued
in great britain: his conquering feat.
"
"dress your toddler in neat dungarees;
the bib front and cute buttons will please.
look, his nappy's not sagging,
or drooping, or dragging:
it's snug in its place, clear of knees!
"
"when there's force brought to bear, through oppression,
in order to gain a confession
obtained under duress,
the result is a mess
born of mind games and brutal aggression.
"
"you just drove up the street, and then?bang!?
as some fool gave your car quite a prang.
but a bar wrench will mend
what that nut caused to bend;
the mechanic will get out his dwang.
"
"dusty urged, in a voice low and husky,
""my smooth olive skin makes me dusky.
i'm no pasty-faced blonde.
come with me, mr bond,
if you want to feel lusty and musky!""
"
"drive without the due care and attention
that's required by the law? intervention
by cops may well follow.
pull over, and swallow
your pride?don't engage in dissension!
"
"are you seen as a careless young tyke?
fix a dynamo onto your bike.
pedal hard so the light
on the handlebar's bright.
clearly noticed now, ride where you like.
"
"seeing cirrus, a fine wispy cloud,
like the delicate veil of a shroud,
while we still feel the sun
and its warmth, let's have fun,
because soon under storms we'll be bowed.
"
"some folk drink their tea with a hunk
torn from bread, or a sizeable chunk
of sweet cake. what tastes best
is a cookie; you test
how it crunches, then dip it: you dunk.
"
"just behind the long drapes, by the phone,
she had hid; but her cover was blown
by the perfume she chose,
and aroma which rose:
the sweet odour of eau de cologne!
"
"in the olden days life was much tougher,
and for children the punishments rougher.
couldn't read, count, or spell?
you'd find schooldays were hell
for a non-academic: a duffer.
"
"the jury's delivered today
a clear verdict: he's guilty, which may,
despite family tears,
keep him locked up for years.
it's a heart-wrenching duty, they say.
"
"for a change to what's shown on tv,
these small disks have their place?as you'll see
when the weather is bad,
and the kids drive you mad,
peace descends with a new dvd.
"
"off out jogging on days, wild and breezy,
if the run makes you wheezy, or queasy,
then don't push to the max.
go back home and relax
with your feet up, lie back; take it easy.
"
"rise each day at first light, and be firm
in your stance.  then, alert to the germ
of success, you will show
you're entitled to crow:
""it's the early bird catches the worm!""
"
"playing out with my friends i would dread
my mum's voice, ""come on in; time for bed.""
with no sign of a moon,
i'd say, ""no, it's too soon.""
(called in early destroys your street cred!)
"
"if you're tempted to eavesdrop, my dear,
through a half-open door, then i fear
if the chat's about you
on the day that you do,
be prepared to not like what you hear!
"
"when small beasts see the eagle in flight,
they all flee for their lives at the sight;
but this bird of prey's vision
ignores their decision:
having dined, it feels high as a kite.
"
"shirking duty, tim won't buy a round
and feels smug?well, his method seems sound:
he's the 'door-holding star',
always last to the bar.
he's not paid since a pint cost a pound.
"
"a long parting again must be faced.
hugging tightly, they fiercely embraced;
every clasp in the past
has proved fast love can last
when on friendship and loyalty based.
"
"when dad's back ached (which caused him to grouse),
embrocation my mother would douse
and rub in. it eased pain
but we all felt the strain
through his moans?and the pong in the house!
"
"at your party this evening we've seen
you arrive at the age of eighteen.
you've grown up?so take note:
you can drive; you can vote;
what you are, though, so far, is what's been.
"
"her anxiety level immense,
rider daphne was edgy and tense.
though we all knew, of course,
it was really the horse
who'd the worry of clearing the fence.
"
"puff pastry's a fine flaky eat
when it's filled with sweet mince.  take a seat:
we've been eccles cake-making.
the smells from our baking
mean teatime today holds a treat!
"
"her eyelids are swollen in size;
with incessant wild itching she cries.
conjunctivitis can seem
irritation extreme:
looks a sight, does this site for sore eyes.
"
"while for kids (to the age of, say, nine)
numbered dot-to-dot puzzles are fine,
i think grown-ups are clots
to form pictures from dots;
in fact, that's where i must draw the line.
"
"you love dance music, rhythmic and hectic;
also rock, both acoustic, electric.
many classical themes,
plus the blues, fill your dreams,
for your musical tastes are eclectic.
"
"despite his wife's threat jet has bet,
hoping yet that his debt would be met;
but his luck ran to form.
it's a fierce verbal storm:
a good ear-bashing?that's what he'll get!
"
"he elaborates details he's planned
for a home on his new piece of land.
a huge mansion, ornate?
and, alas, it's our fate
to live opposite.  (let's hope it's banned!)
"
"for men shy with the girls, it's a pity
that they go and get drunk in the city.
it's dutch courage they need;
but once fears are all freed,
they believe themselves handsome and witty.
"
"she's expecting; he found out today.
now her father's due round. he will say,
""seems you've tried out the bed;
it's your duty to wed.
love is free. you make children, you pay.""
"
"they will stroll through the dunes, hand-in-hand,
to a hollow he's found in the sand;
but inquisitive flies
will put paid to her sighs,
so it won't be the outcome he's planned.
"
"to a lake with still water we came;
a flat pebble in hand, you took aim.
it skipped once on the top
but then sank with a plop.
ducks and drakes, then, just isn't your game.
"
"the length of the summer vacation,
when a child, seemed so long. now vexation,
both as mother and teacher,
means she's missing this feature:
time off is too short in duration.
"
"if two pianists we can persuade,
then a mozart duet will be played.
on a bench extra wide,
they will sit side by side,
with four hands on the ivories laid.
"
"guests arriving? don't get in a fluster,
though you'll need all the time you can muster;
and, to pass auntie's test,
anti-static is best
for a cloth to lift dust: that's a duster.
"
"""mum, your freshly baked cookies taste lush!""
say your kids, keen to crunch to a mush;
but be ready for crumbs
that don't make it to tums.
clear them up with a dustpan and brush.
"
"if your stature is short, squat and stumpy,
which can sometimes make walking look clumpy,
and the part where you sit
tends to wobble a bit?
so you waddle?you may be called dumpy.
"
"if you love to get close for a cuddle,
cosy beddng won't get in a muddle
if a duvet is used:
downy quilting feels fused
'round your bod in a huggle-type huddle!
"
"it's just natural: girl fancies boy;
he wants fun, and she's clearly not coy.
when the thrill of the chase
sees him rev up the pace,
mates urge, ""go for it, buddy! enjoy!""
"
"often shared at the end of the day,
sweet endearments are words lovers say
to dispel any fear,
and to make very clear
each is happy to stay, and not stray.
"
"you've intruded on woodland, encroaching
on what's private, intent upon poaching
from a fine herd of deer?
then look out if you hear
the armed gamekeeper's footsteps approaching.
"
"our dental enamel's a sheath
that protects what lies hidden beneath;
and, kept clean with a brush,
will save cash?and that rush
to the dentist with holes in your teeth.
"
"party candidates, oozing perfection,
woo the voters; and each fights rejection
by pretending to care
(which we know is 'hot air'),
so we'll vote for them in an election.
"
"with his dog on a lead, little bert
enjoys dashing through puddles and dirt;
but he'll pause to pop poop
in a bag, with his scoop,
and see posts get a sniff and a squirt.
"
"gawping girls who were dancing in pairs,
bertie blinked. it's an action that scares:
a brunette caught his eye?
and the rest watched it fly
from her hand, and then roll down the stairs.
"
"a cocktail-type party's a winner;
drinks and nibbles mean guests remain thinner?
and it pays obligations
to friends and relations
you'd rather not ask round to dinner!
"
"folk who gossip will tend to embellish
the bare facts of their stories with relish.
it enhances their fun
to add detail to stun?
but for those in the spotlight it's hellish.
"
"in a street-fight, young joe got embroiled,
but his efforts to stop it were foiled
when, drawn in by the din,
other lads muscled in.
tempers boiled?and good looks have been spoiled.
"
"i'm dead bored, but the snow is still blowing;
i'll change off from my knitting to sewing.
either one's not much fun.
oh, for days full of sun?
and lumbago from hoeing and mowing!
"
"i was pinned to the spot?couldn't flee;
but the swearing helped set my mind free,
with a ""damn you!"" i cursed
at the one who'd reversed
without looking, straight into my knee.
"
"for a fast-paced romance, once he's met her,
frank says contact by email is better.
but this pc-mad male
forgets girls never fail
to be touched by a hand-written letter.
"
"the space travel lectures would heighten
my students' bare knowledge, and brighten
their vague understanding
of each lunar landing,
for all that they'd hear would enlighten.
"
"""your report has some errors; emend it!""
snapped the editor, crossly. ""then send it
to my desk, when correct;
your mistakes, i suspect,
all result from your drinking?so end it!""
"
"with the meeting of eyes, and that gaze,
the game started. so much would amaze
in this sudden encounter;
preparing to mount her,
his snooker cue scored through the baize.
"
"throughout terminal illness, your friend
is relief from the pain. none can mend.
then, when facing your death
and you take your last breath,
you'll find out if it's really the end.
"
"she has spent all the money he saved.
every day since they wed she has raved.
she lands hits on his bits,
as she spits, ""you're the pits!""
yet he loves her; she's got him enslaved.
"
"each male emperor penguin's a king
of antarctic survival, who'll bring
the true meaning of snug
to his chick with a hug,
toes-y cosy, until it is spring.
"
"fine young men from great britain were wrenched
from their homes, shipped to france, and entrenched.
in the dug-outs, each thud
of the guns rained down mud
mixed with shells, leaving uniforms drenched.
"
"under cover, our agent will say,
when suspicions he's keen to allay,
""cold war mission? oh no,
i'd be sacked; i hate snow.
glad i'm doing inside jobs today!""
"
"from ephemeral passion run fast,
for its brevity leaves you aghast
at the feelings undone,
as you're dumped by the one
who so recently swore it would last.
"
"raising clouds from the cinders and ash,
dad would rattle the grate with a crash.
to the garden i'd go
for the dustbin, and throw
out the mess with the family's trash.
"
"endemic, with plants, means they're found
growing native in portions of ground
where their needs, quite specific,
are met. when prolific,
their future survival looks sound.
"
"""you watch tv all day! you're a slob!""
moans his wife. he snaps back, ""shut yer gob!""
she persists: ""i'm the worker,
while you're the work shirker.
you're a bone idle yob! get a job!""
"
"if encouraged, when faced with a test,
we're amazed that we find renewed zest;
and with backup from mum,
or from dad, or a chum,
we're inspired to give of our best.
"
"don's a dullard: he's stupid, yet willing;
burned the bacon, and got a good grilling
from his mum. then he tried
with two eggs (over-fried).
he's slow-witted: 'not quite the full shilling'.
"
"stolen cash has been stashed by a brute,
name of stan, in a van. now the loot
from the break-in today
is paid out on the way?
tagged in bags by old lags while en route.
"
"what's a censor?  a critic who's sought
to evaluate films you'd have bought,
if not banned by a man
who's scanned more than you can,
and then feels he's seen more than you ought.
"
"as the gangplank was raised, jubilation
rose in waves from the crowd. trepidation,
though, for rover: slack-jowled,
left ashore, he just howled
in vexation. he'd missed embarkation.
"
"a quick enema won't make you glum,
as warm liquid, that's not for your tum,
up your rectum's injected.
deep cleansing's effected:
goodbye constipation. (bum bum!)
"
"since her breast op, she's newly endowed
with a rather pert pair that stand proud.
with a smile that is wide,
clyde shows pride at the side
of the girl who stands out from the crowd.
"
"poop and vomit have caused it to clog;
it smells worse than a cesspit-dunked dog.
loopy's loo's cracked and reeking;
brown matter's been leaking.
no wonder he calls it ""the bog"".
"
"""elemental, dear watson!"" said holmes,
as he combed through the case 'missing gnomes'.
""back to basics, of course,
i endorse with some force
for the solving of crime. ditch the tomes!""
"
"ergonomic design, by degrees,
promotes ease for those desk employees.
and their chairs, in the main,
help avert spinal strain,
while the increase in comfort will please.
"
"encountered in airplanes to meet you,
a stewardess chiefly, would greet you;
she'd check tickets and bags
before fixing on tags,
and then, briefly, retreat till she'd seat you.
"
"the eyelids  are small folds of skin
that will close when you're feeling done in.
they help block the sun's rays,
and, on wearisome days,
tend to droop due to vodka and gin.
"
"when for air force or navy you work,
and your rank's very low, there's no perk.
you'll be ordered about;
you've no sayso or clout.
when you're junior to all, you're an erk.
"
"if two persons receive equal share
so, in consequence, nothing's left spare,
use this phrase: it's quite nifty,
and means fifty-fifty.
even stevens means all's fair and square.
"
"we're a match made in heaven?no lie,
for we like the same stuff, you and i;
we have reached the conclusion
that love's no illusion.
in all things we see eye to eye.
"
"no more work to put food on the table,
for that lottery win will enable
a bountiful life:
cars for me and the wife,
and a lover for ugly aunt mabel.
"
"in keeping with fashion, flo faced
her admirers with corset well-laced.
though it's not hers at all,
her shape's slimline and small,
for what's real has been firmly encased.
"
"with ""i'll give you my very best price"",
he adopts a broad smile to entice.
to sum up, the car's trash;
they were rash to pay cash,
and were mashed when it crashed on the ice.
"
"it's to prove that they're still energetic
that old studs at the gym act frenetic;
they raise steam on machines
to compete with the teens,
in pursuit of the body aesthetic.
"
"newly qualified cops must be bold,
for the criminal law they uphold
and must firmly enforce
(as they've learned on the course),
to protect both the young and the old.
"
"""to announce the best cast calls for tact,""
mused the teacher of drama.  ""in fact,
if i get the right team,
shakespeare studies will seem
much more real, once this play we enact.""
"
"knowing cancer's returned, and encumbered
with the knowledge his days are now numbered,
he's not told his brother,
his sisters, or mother.
with sadness he won't have them lumbered.
"
"faced with raiders, the men made a pledge:
well concealed by the overhang ledge,
they would face the attack
and then drive the foe back.
would their strategy give them the edge?
"
"night-time images, real in your head,
sometimes point to where life might have led;
but, for dreams to come true,
the first thing you should do
is wake up?and then get out of bed!
"
"she envisaged a colourful hall;
now it's purple and gold on each wall,
striped with aquamarine.
she imagines the scene
next time mother-in-law pays a call!
"
"this outgoing, sociable guy
is an extrovert; friends who stop by
know he throws a good party.
he's friendly and hearty,
though once he was timid and shy.
"
"sam had eyed up the girl at the store;
she could tick all his boxes, and more.
every inch, hot and tanned,
in a second was scanned
as his body and mind shouted: ""phwoar!""
"
"at enquiries desks you will find
responses to queries. the bind
is you often join queues;
whines and moans won't amuse?
so be british: pretend you don't mind!
"
"in the past, britain's empire was rated
by the wealth its dominions created.
though for some, life improved,
it left many unmoved;
all colonial rulers are hated.
"
"beach lotharios, keen to engage
older ladies, act parts like on stage.
see them fake adoration:
it's pure exploitation
for money. saves earning a wage.
"
"the male tiger, now fully enraged,
with great fury had growled; unassuaged
by the ""ooh!""s of the crowd
and the ""ah!""s, he roared loud
in frustration at being encaged.
"
"stolen goods he'd accepted, then sold;
but the club members met and were polled,
and said, though he'd done wrong,
they'd admit to their throng
the ace golfer, who thus was enrolled.
"
"blinding headache! for aspirin he checks;
it's the last time he'll date without specs.
he'd been keen to look cool,
(not the nerd of the school).
throbbing eyestrain's wrecked visions of sex!
"
"for a lady who's, well, 'middle-aged',
urgent need must be quickly assuaged;
but her needs won't be sated:
they'll rage unabated
when she finds all the loos are engaged.
"
"the fishermen sailed to enmesh
lots of fish which, when iced, would stay fresh.
when from netting untangled?
caught up, but not mangled?
sharp filleting sliced off the flesh.
"
"after school, to the sweet shop we'd hare,
and then, once on the bus, we'd declare
it had been quite a dash;
but we'd counted our cash:
there'd be just enough left for our fare.
"
"reports have spread all round the shire,
and the consequence now will be dire.
better hide or leave town
till the fuss has died down,
for it looks like the fat's in the fire.
"
"from your rear, urgent rumblings have started;
clenching buttocks won't help.  feel: they've parted!
noxious gas fills the room;
at your desk, you sense doom.
some kid yells from behind, ""sir, he's farted!""
"
"as long as the farm is well-manned,
then the crops will be gathered, as planned.
let it rain, let it snow;
while the winter winds blow
we shall live off the fat of the land.
"
"she arose from a bliss that was deep,
knowing baby, now crying, will keep
up his wailing, till food
eases tummy and mood?
while his father snores on: fast asleep.
"
"""after scoffing that pizza, i retched
all day long; waves of panic were etched
on my face.  could have died!""
""what, from pizza? you've lied;
just admit it's a little far-fetched.""
"
"""fatalities! hundreds are killed
in the accident."" journalists, skilled
in disaster reporting,
ask questions, while sporting
sad faces, so pages are filled.
"
"over seas that were calm they would glide;
stormy waters they took in their stride.
throughout voyages rough,
ancient vikings were tough,
and great oceans they sailed, far and wide.
"
"sue sneaked out of the house (dad's a bore)
and then hitched up her skirt a bit more.
it's the fashion at school;
breaks the rule?makes lads drool
at a style they all wish was made law.
"
"though an old working farm can look quaint,
the manure from your livestock will taint
clothes and footwear each day.
so a clean-living way
to make money it probably ain't!
"
"dim tim works each limb at the gym;
pays a fortune for somewhere to slim.
but his bod, toes to nape,
at no cost, could reshape?
simple exercise? walking would trim.
"
"using eyeliner highlights the eyes,
and can make them look larger in size.
choosing black is dramatic
for 'come-ons' emphatic;
grey's subtle: the choice of the wise.
"
"the crowd jostled, then shouted, ""oh, no!
this new statue's grotesque. a poor show!""
all the townsfolk would share
their disdain and despair;
yes, this eyesore would just have to go!
"
"equanimity: worries will cease
to leave calmness of mind. like a grease
that's eased stressing, or pain,
what has taken the strain
of anxiety's left you at peace.
"
"little hairs along eyelids abound
on the edges, and sometimes astound;
extra eyelashes, mixed
with those growing, and fixed,
both enhance and allure, girls have found.
"
"at eisteddfods, wales' citizens hear
long narrations of verse, loud and clear.
in this festival test
judges choose from the best
songs and poetry, sweet on the ear.
"
"for each one of the great human race,
life on earth has its pre-ordained place
until death marks the end;
so i can't comprehend
all the endless expanse that is space.
"
"his mates all appeared bright and breezy
as they took the exam; quinn felt queasy,
but then really flew through it.
""so simple! i knew it!""
he bragged. ""it was just easy-peasy.""
"
"when young spike crashed his trike, he'd no notion
that his tumble had caused such an ocean
of screaming from mum,
for the lad was struck dumb;
in a daze, he'd showed zero emotion.
"
"aussie emus, with feathers of dun,
are large birds; they can't fly, but can stun
with sharp claws. beady eyes
spot their targets. be wise:
if one gets in a flap, better run!
"
"an epitaph's words you may read
carved on tombstones; it's hoped they will feed
curiosity shed
on the lives of the dead,
though when tragic, they make your heart bleed.
"
"in the bathroom, perhaps in the nude,
where your focus is totally glued
on the task now in hand,
grip your tube, as you planned:
squeeze it hard and your paste will extrude.
"
"she'd been drinking, and drove round the block
where she'd clipped a large bus. in the dock,
with the sentence enforced
(see her licence: endorsed),
she's left numb with the pain and the shock.
"
"you feel angry, frustrated and mad,
and don't care your behaviour is bad;
but it's childish and preppy
to go have an eppy:
a tantrum?like most kids have had.
"
"the eye is the organ of sight,
though, in man, it can't penetrate night.
you need both of your eyes
to gauge distance and size
so the world, in 3d, is viewed right.
"
"when enamoured of someone, a bond
has developed because you've grown fond,
and would like to share more
with this one you adore.
is he single though, girl? don't get conned.
"
"when you hear a guy spouting pure tosh,
it's referred to as eyewash, or bosh.
what you hear's insincere,
or else nonsense, i fear.
don't believe him (or lend him some dosh).
"
"causing groans from us, tuneless alonius,
serenading with voice unharmonious,
waits to state, ""rate me great?""
berates kate, latest date,
""mate, you grate, for each note is erroneous.""
"
"the most perfect example, by far,
caused a turning of heads at the bar.
someone called, ""you look fit to me;
you're the epitome
of all that i want. you're the star!""
"
"manufacturing processes need
engineers keen to work at high speed;
when machines fail or break
future profit's at stake,
and each shut-down they free feeds the greed.
"
"she beams by the gate as she greets
her fresh order of snacky-type eats.
plates and dishes heaped high
will entice every eye.
be on time for the party food treats.
"
"""the earnings potential, we know,
will be huge,"" the director said, ""so
we've brought forward the date;
it will mean working late,
but we'll fast-track completion. let's go!""
"
"the fairway's the part that's between
that place where you tee, and the green.
with your driver in hand
scan the lie of the land:
you'll find golf includes hazards unseen.
"
"semi-circular, over a door,
this small window's positioned so more
rays of light reach your hall.
you're less likely to fall,
for a fanlight shines right to the floor.
"
"my poor tum's making rumblings rude,
for i'm famished, a craving that's crude.
bring me sandwiches thick
i can gobble up quick.
need to eat!  feed my mood with some food.
"
"she does housework with no ifs or buts;
her attention to detail shows guts.
in her daily regime
see her scrub, scour and steam.
faye's fastidious. (drives her friends nuts.)
"
"no one else is in costume at all;
pete's in pirate gear, hired from the mall.
winning girls was the bait;
he'd been told by a mate
to come dressed for a fancy dress ball.
"
"you live life in the fast lane? insane!
your commitment of body and brain
to keep up with the best
means there's scant time for rest.
soon you'll slide down the corporate drain.
"
"your weariness, since you've been ill,
is fatigue.  it's not eased by a pill.
look, your body knows best:
what it's needing is rest,
and in time you'll perk up.  yes, you will.
"
"""only proper,"" said dad, ""that i share
out the coins, till the box is left bare.
as you've all equal claim,
you will each get the same.
i'll make sure that it's done fair and square.""
"
"now on new electronics reliant,
we can fax through a system compliant.
watch as documents bend
through machines that will send
exact copies to friends or a client.
"
"your father stood firm for the deed
when it came to supplying the seed;
one has grown to be you
(with mum's egg helping too).
life's great miracle comes when we breed.
"
"you may think ""this guy's perfect for me;
he's the one i shall wed."" but you'll see
though the flame has been lit,
he will never commit
to a marriage. he'll stay fancy free.
"
"crowds had gathered. the swish limousine
held the starlet, a vision in green.
when the cameras flashed bright,
her gown shimmered with light.
she looked fabulous, stealing the scene.
"
"you are extra aware if you've dealt
with this thing that's not heard, seen, or smelt.
sometimes called the sixth sense,
it's an insight intense;
extrasensory perception's just felt.
"
"what's ahead of us, no one can state.
our demise may come early, or late;
but each life, good or bad,
whether happy, or sad,
ends with death.  and that's everyone's fate.
"
"the inspector's report was quite clear:
""this new teacher is frozen with fear.
noise like ducks and hens shrieking
has drowned out her speaking;
it sounds like a farmyard in here!""
"
"she's a mum to a teenager lad
whose loud music is driving her mad.
but she knows this new craze
is another wild phase.
it'll pass, for it's only a fad.
"
"silky headscarves can leave your style flat;
feathered fascinators never do that.
fixed by combs to coiffed hair,
they sit proud, light as air.
modern girls love this fun sort of hat.
"
"she does housework with no ifs, or buts:
so particular, never takes cuts;
in her daily regime
see her scrub, scour and steam.
faye's fastidious. (friends say she's nuts.)
"
"she's a star, and her pose is serene.
it's her yacht, and she's living the dream.
at celebs i'm a starer?
it's the french riviera,
a fashionable place to be seen.
"
"we know parents, at times, can be hated
by the teen they together created.
kids may err and go wrong,
but the love that's so strong
will see family ties reinstated.
"
"metal press studs keep waistbands in place
against tummies that strain from their space.
freddie's fasteners weren't strong,
and before very long
a loud pop left him red in the face.
"
"he'll facilitate: says it's a breeze
pushing awkward amendments, with ease,
through the process for voting.
(his methods, we're noting,
hold hints of political sleaze.)
"
"viewed by some as a reason for mirth,
it is felt by each nation on earth;
a power hypnotic
breeds love patriotic
for the fatherland: land of your birth.
"
"his old wife was becoming a drag.
a young lover now sits in his jag;
she's his bit on the side
that he takes for a ride.
yes, his fancy piece! (some would say slag.)
"
"the new lad is a time-wasting lout,
and, as boss, you feel tempted to shout.
you've employed a bad worker,
a no-darned-good shirker,
who spends his time faffing about.
"
"a hooped farthingale, tied round the waist
under skirts, slowed a lady in haste;
and her tudor-styled hips,
thus extended, meant lips
were a stretch for men wanting a taste.
"
"the rogues who appeared at ma's gate
said her rooftop was missing a slate.
they took money, then left;
she's been conned?and, bereft,
found a fast one was pulled, but too late.
"
"the young stewardess gave a light cough
as she gently reminded the toff,
""our procedure is neat:
to be safe in your seat,
you must fasten your belt to take off.""
"
"feeling energized, newly impassioned,
at his anvil a fine sword he fashioned;
and we watched as he made
the uniquely honed blade,
smelting pieces and bits that were rationed.
"
"we see overweight kids, labelled fat,
left, by name-calling peers, feeling flat.
it's a sensitive issue;
excess body tissue
breaks spirits through backbiting chat.
"
"on the dance floor he struts to his spot;
in his new skin-tight jeans he feels hot.
but his whirls and his swirls
just spark sneers from the girls:
""does he fancy himself then, or what?!""
"
"you're infectious, not up to a chat?
i'll buy flowers?although, failing that,
i could opt for a plant,
like i got for my aunt,
to leave outside your house on the mat.
"
"she's in love. understood by the wise,
as they nod at her smiles and her sighs,
all her daydreaming's shown
that a world of her own
feeds that faraway look in her eyes.
"
"the recruiting campaign had inspired,
and the army was all sam desired;
it no longer intrigues:
clothed in battle fatigues,
he is left feeling weary and tired.
"
"an embarrassing social mistake,
a faux pas, is an error you make:
you slurp soup from your spoon
like a stupid buffoon,
or you don't use a fork to eat cake.
"
"loud machines meant the boss had to shout
to his workers: ""our project lacks clout;
we need help, so the date
we complete won't run late.
just this once, guys, i'll have to farm out.""
"
"a ginger thing, furry and fat,
had been placed on my head like a hat;
i thought it a joke
so i gave it a poke,
and a claw met my paw. fancy that!
"
"harry's huge and, in search of romance,
says he'll diet, but after one glance,
eats some chips (knew he would!)
that's a fat lot of good:
he just can't resist fat, so fat chance.
"
"ron's retired; his wife's at home too.
they're together too much; tempers brew.
when she whinges and whines,
for the office he pines:
""she finds fault with whatever i do.""
"
"some velcro has fastened each shoe;
but the loud rasp-like sound gives the clue
that what's been on tom's feet
has been tossed in the street
from his pushchair.  he is only two.
"
"the man hired to work on a farm
is the hand. crops will come to no harm
when a good one is found
whose respect for the ground
means he's seen as the farmer's right arm.
"
"""my old bike is the colour of poo;
can i have one in new two-tone blue?""
""sorry, son; soon enough
you'll find life can be tough;
an experience like this helps you through.""
"
"jimmy offered, devoid of all passion,
an apology, after a fashion:
with eyelids half shuttered,
""er, sorry,"" he muttered.
contrition from him's on half ration.
"
"it's a part of what's called the far east,
and once traveled by tourists the least.
we see china's world trade
puts the west in the shade;
'sleeping giant' has woken to feast.
"
"if at school you are called 'teacher's pet',
it's a name you'd prefer to forget.
among peers, it's not good;
and you would, if you could,
not be classed as the favourite and fret.
"
"said the sergeant, ""my team, in the main,
don't in any small way cause me pain,
save for you, fathead: dense,
with no atom of sense
in what passes, for you, as a brain.""
"
"donna donned her bright outfit at last;
former paleness was left in the past.
but the rain, unforeseen,
turned her skin a bright green,
for the dye she had used was not fast.
"
"work he's given he may not enjoy;
give him praise though, and chores won't annoy.
paid to do what you ask,
he must finish each task;
your factotum: the one you employ.
"
"cinematically, tom was restricted,
since to prison films he was addicted.
when a riot ensues,
who to cheer?cons or screws?
""can't decide,"" tom admitted, conflicted.
"
"oh, my carpet!  quick, take off your shoe!
ugh, the smell is disgusting.  it's you!
that'll need a good scrub.
you've no reason to blub,
for it's me who'll be scraping up poo!
"
"i suspect that most swimming ace hunks
follow diets of rich meaty chunks.
posed to dive in the pool
they ooze protein-rich cool;
there's a whole lot of beef in those trunks.
"
"you look sad; circus work brings you down.
such dispiritedness makes us all frown.
i'm so mad, i could shake you
to wake you and make you
aware what's at stake, you damned clown.
"
"as we enter the minster, eyes pan
to high arches; they've ribs like a fan
at the top of each pillar,
with spandrels as filler:
that's fan vaulting?look up and scan.
"
"with a damp course set into your wall
above ground, you should find that your hall
and the rooms in your zone
will stay dry as a bone,
waterproofing from snow, mist or squall.
"
"in the long jump, fay's favourite sport,
she just failed, when she had to abort.
first she skidded and slipped,
and then fell when she tripped:
not quite up to the mark, she fell short.
"
"behind gutters they're fitted up tight
at the end of the rafters, at height;
they conceal the rough edge
of the home's upper ledge:
they're your fascias, and often they're white.
"
"""accept that your singing lacks tone,""
said the talent show judge, with a groan.
""so face facts; you've no choice
with that terrible voice.
save your screeching for when you're alone.""
"
"glenda's gang can't be stylish in school,
but, once out, fashionistas must rule.
as long legs sashay by,
drivers brake with a sigh;
tight and high signals uniform cool.
"
"there's unusual behaviour about;
gran blames hippies and hash, without doubt.
she sees happy-head hugs
as folk, dreamy through drugs,
are heard fuzzily sighing ""far out"".
"
"""have courage,"" she said, as they parted.
""on the battlefield don't be faint-hearted.
hide your fear and be strong.
now goodbye. run along.""
(and then back to her party she darted.)
"
"growled the surgeon, impatient and curt,
""look, around this i'd rather not skirt.
though it pains you to sit;
in exchange, you look fit.
i  did warn buttock implants would hurt.""
"
"she'd be pulling a cart in due course.
the old mare neighed aloud; and the source,
from clipped cobble and clod,
was her need to be shod.
call the farrier; he'll shoe the horse.
"
"she embroidered with precious gold thread;
now her fancy work lies on his bed.
her precision-made stitches
adorn the new britches
he'll wear on the day he gets wed.
"
"some dense woodland's concealing the lout.
where the search party paused; there's no doubt
they'll surround the whole ground.
the lad's bound to be found
once the order's received to fan out.""
"
"loves his kids, and he'll do what he can
for his dad, and his mum, and his gran;
thinks the world of his wife;
in his very full life
he's what's known as a family man.
"
"""i would fain lead my men into war,""
said the admiral. ""sadly, no more
am i able to fight;
i retired last night,
or i'd willingly sail from this shore.""
"
"little balls of chopped liver he bound
up with herbs, then wrapped bread all around.
and when oven-cooked slowly,
although sounding lowly,
his faggots were tasty, he found.
"
"sally's speed skating leaves us aghast
as she corners, legs spread, whizzing past.
she's not shy with the guys;
sexy winks, saucy eyes
say she's not only speedy, she's fast.
"
"""farewell!"" he exclaimed, ""and goodbye.
i'm so sad to be leaving. don't cry.
how i'll miss your long legs,
and your bacon and eggs.
i shall picture you each time i fry.""
"
"in the sun that's been scorching all week,
the crowd cheered as the show reached its peak.
for their idol they're drooling;
in need of some cooling,
""fan the fans with some fans!"" was the shriek.
"
"a lifetime in prison's the issue.
you imagined great wealth, but now wish you
hadn't let all that dreaming
hatch criminal scheming.
the fantasy's dead. (here's a tissue.)
"
"shows by royal commandment are bound
to be opened by fanfares. around
the whole theatre folk stand,
as the queen waves her hand
to acknowledge the trumpeters' sound.
"
"the long pointed teeth of this snake
are its fangs. keep away for the sake
of your health.  it's been claimed
just one bite leaves you maimed,
so take care with each move that you make.
"
"the pop star was famous. acclaimed
for both talent and looks, he'd been named
as the man, his fans said
that they'd like in their bed,
where, for many, his picture lies framed.
"
"have a facial: it's never too late
to improve on what's given by fate.
once the skin of the face
has been pampered with grace,
you'll be glowing, and look and feel great.
"
"what's an equinox? think about light;
when the length of time taken for night
equals that of the day.
twice a year this holds sway.
in the spring and the autumn? that's right!
"
"above each of your eyes is the zone
called the eyebrow: a ridge of curved bone.
if your head gets a thump,
you may find a bruised lump,
but, with luck, your eye's site's left alone.
"
"due to exfoliation i'm sore.
oh, the money i pour for each pore!
facial scrapes every week:
i look polished and sleek?
though, perhaps, not like me any more.
"
"name the game: sixty-one bonus squares
on the board, where each player compares
clever lexical skill,
choosing letters to fill
in the scrabble for words from his wares.
"
"i clapped and applauded the chap
who came through on the very last lap.
he had shown he'd the knack;
earned that pat on the back.
""that's a feather,"" i thought, ""in his cap!""
"
"doctor fry said, ""inside of each thigh
lies a femur that hides from the eye.
it's a leg bone, you see,
found between hip and knee,
and your skeleton's largest, no lie.""
"
"he had grabbed a quick lunch on his feet,
gulping fast (not a good way to eat);
hasty slurps from a cup,
then the lot was fetched up.
he sprayed vomit all over the street.
"
"as a child, i wore gym shoes for laps
of the field?black or white ones, perhaps;
rubber-soled, canvas-topped?
cheap for mothers who shopped
on a budget. we knew them as daps.
"
"at the florist's, with finances scant,
add some fern; it's a flowerless plant
that you'll see will pad out
a small bunch, and add clout,
to a birthday bouquet for your aunt.
"
"""our guests will arrive very soon,""
says his wife. ""don't behave like a loon.
get the fairy lights out
and drape loops all about;
all the walls we shall need to festoon.""
"
"feast your eyes on the banquet prepared
on the tablecloth mum freshly aired.
do invite all your mates
to come fill up their plates;
a meal's better all round when it's shared.
"
"arranged on your front-of-head place
are the prominent parts of the face;
your features (nose, chin,
mouth, ears, eyes) from your kin
show your links to the whole human race.
"
"when i'm threatened, my pulse rate will rise
as my heart pumps blood faster; my eyes
open wide at the sight
that has filled me with fright.
as i freak out with fear, hear my cries.
"
"john duns scotus: the man was no fool.
this philosopher founded a school.
it was classed 'second-rate'
by his rivals; the fate
of his students? called dunces (not cool).
"
"jimmy lives off the state. what a slob!
he rejects any work; hear his gob
spew the line: ""no enjoyment
from this 'ere employment!
so  i fear i'm not up to the job.""
"
"""the worst time's the night shift,"" said rob.
""when the pubs close and, faced with a mob
mad as hell, full of beer,
cops must act without fear;
do i really feel up to the job?""
"
"hearing carriages pass, mrs thrush
would rush out with her shovel and brush;
she would pick up plops dropped
by the horses who'd clopped,
and then fertilise soil with the mush.
"
"bert the burglar will sell off the best
of his haul, while discarding the rest;
and the knock-on effect
of his crimes? he'll collect
lots of cash: he will feather his nest.
"
"boasted fred, who now works for the feds,
""i find terrorist cells, gangland heads;
the fbi's might
keeps security tight,
so our people sleep safe in their beds.""
"
"the way workmen had shored up my wall
didn't have any merit at all;
when, with dust-laden rumble,
stones fell in a crumble,
their excuses were feeble and small.
"
"i'm convinced that the minuscule thong
has a shape anatomically wrong;
once you get in the groove
of a life on the move,
the thing's bound to join in before long.
"
"the shepherd said, ""each woolly tup
must be shorn; only then can i sup
and relax with a beer.""
it's sheer boredom to shear;
i'm so sick of this job?i'm fed up!
"
"what is vital for beer's preparation?
ethyl alcohol's active creation:
gassy bubbles as yeast
makes of sugar a feast.
it's the base for your beer's fermentation.
"
"the sick child thrashed about on the bed;
how she sweated and shivered! with dread
the priest spoke: ""evil fever
begone! devil, leave 'er!""
but the bright morning sun found her dead.
"
"fetal alcohol syndrome: confess
you caused permanent damage, no less.
your newborn creation
has brain retardation;
while pregnant, you drank to excess.
"
"ardent romeo, keen to confess
love for juliet, surely could guess
that when fuelled by a feud,
fighting might have ensued
and would end in their deaths. what a mess.
"
"he's been stalking the stag from the rear;
through his field glasses, everything's clear.
but binocular vision
won't aid the decision
to shoot. he's no bullets.  oh dear.
"
"old miss farthing shows plenty of mettle;
though her health's not so good, with her kettle
she'll provide you with tea.
those who visit agree
she's a fighter, and looks in fine fettle.
"
"i see bits on my salad and freeze,
for their sharp rancid taste does not please;
and i heave at the sight.
it's from greece, colour's white,
made from goat's milk, or ewe's: feta cheese.
"
"with dinner tonight we had beet greens,
though my wife's well aware i don't eat greens.
she says i should diet;
i'll grudgingly try it.
guess what's hiding a small piece of meat? greens.
"
"last weekend old ben had a yen
to go fishing with lenny and ken;
and through flat, marshy land,
oars were skilfully manned
where the dykes cut a route through the fen.
"
"careless chris gashed his hand in his store.
rusty nails caused a festering sore
which now throbs, oozing pus.
what a fuss! hear him cuss
that he can't raise a beer any more.
"
"of this life mo's had more than enough,
but shows guts when the going gets rough.
being feisty and brave
may prove grave for this slave,
who's aggressively daring and tough.
"
"the cook smiled as he stirred his creations;
cream and spices enriched taste sensations.
and his flavoursome soups,
dried in packs for the troops,
enhanced rations through war's deprivations.
"
"what an entrance she made! wildly dancing,
she appeared from offstage. she's entrancing!
all the guys were struck dumb
(and the boil on her bum,
after this, will no longer need lancing).
"
"sheep and cattle are kept close at hand
in enclosures. these pieces of land,
being fenced all around,
keep the stock safe and sound;
to maintain them, by farmers they're manned.
"
"he admits, in his youth he was bad,
was banged up and did time. now he's sad.
though no longer that yob,
as ex-con there's no job,
for he's wrecked what the man might have had.
"
"the pain in her back screams aloud,
but with positive traits she's endowed;
she can feel pretty rough
when the going gets tough,
but smiles through it. she's bent, but unbowed.
"
"when mike crashed his bike in the rain,
he should have been screaming with pain;
but shock numbed emotion
like calm, soothing lotion.
denial has flooded his brain.
"
"shouts of encore! were heard from the floor
as the audience clamoured for more;
when the well-known refrain
rang out time and again,
the conductor returned to a roar.
"
"yes, he's smitten this time, we concluded,
as, again to his girl he alluded:
""she's gorgeous! she's hot!""
we found later that's rot?
like the stale sweaty smell she exuded.
"
"diamond donna's a doughty old dame,
though her welcome's well-mannered and tame
when the men come to call.
this old bird's seen it all,
and will guard all her girls on the game.
"
"miss long's letter, a lengthy epistle
(sharply critical, pointed as thistle),
made the editor blink:
no, it wouldn't see ink.
in a wink it was binned like old gristle.
"
"grinned the newly bronzed man, ""look at me.
now my fake tan's applied, i can see
while i stood in the buff
in the booth, sure enough,
the girl spray-tanned my extra bits free.""
"
"the funambulist's actions will stun:
on the high wire he'll walk, never run.
placing each balanced stride;
the grand canyon yawns wide.
it's courageous, but surely, not fun.
"
"drew's been driving and, tired, he blinks.
""i should really pull over,"" he thinks.
""a quick nap would be best,
for my eyes need a rest;
i'll be fine once i've had forty winks.""
"
"when young will is alone with his myrtle,
lusty thoughts turn to lifting her kirtle;
she accepts, when they meet,
all his compliments sweet,
but soon learns he just yearns for a furtle.
"
"at the close of your speech, 'furthermore'
means you're adding to what's gone before.
the word's useful, as such,
but, in talking too much,
a good pitch may end up as a bore.
"
"feeling down? she'll drop all to attend,
and a listening ear she will lend,
plus a shoulder to cry on;
she's the one you rely on
in good times and bad: that's a friend.
"
"an enforcer's a strongly built guy
used by cold, ruthless bosses who try
to intimidate others;
in gangland these 'brothers'
insist you pay up, or you die.
"
"folk will argue the point, as they try
when reflecting on sound, to say why
any duck's quirky quack
never echoes right back;
but research has now shown that's a lie.
"
"full concord, no hint of a stench,
rose up from both sides of the trench
as concorde soared high
(though it needed no spy
to see knives were still out for the french.)
"
"the bang of the gavel will mean
the small ornament's sold; i am keen
on the cute statuette
of bone china, and yet,
dare i bid on the fine figurine?
"
"a procession of wild dancing feet
brings the townspeople out on the street;
they'll enjoy a few days
filled with concerts and plays,
for it's festival time. greet the treat!
"
"mining iron, drills worked round the clock;
then financiers met, and took stock.
for costing reduction,
the steel works' construction,
they'd site near ferruginous rock.
"
"little elton, the one-legged elf,
struggled hard to reach food from the shelf;
but all help he'd decline
with, ""i'll manage just fine.
i can do it: i fend for myself.""
"
"felicitations, i hear, are in order,
since you brought your bride over the border.
the girl won your heart,
so good luck; play your part.
(you've no job though, so can you afford her?)
"
"at the sudden attack, clever beth,
lying still as she could, held her breath.
with no other defence,
she kept up the pretence
to escape with her life: she feigned death.
"
"johnnie's spelling test beckons and, fearful,
he's uneasy, and anxious, and tearful.
""boys don't cry,"" says his dad,
""shoulders back now, my lad.""
but he's worried: low marks mean an earful.
"
"fin is feckless, relies on the dole
to fund life; there's no drive in his soul.
irresponsible, lazy,
in debt, his thoughts hazy,
he drifts through each day with no goal.
"
"in antarctica's landscape you face
open stretches of snow-covered space;
lit by starlight at night,
icy white fills your sight
in this lonely and featureless place.
"
"he was trained to be fearless, though dread
floods his body at what lies ahead;
he will need to be brave,
but he fears, as a slave
chained to oars, very soon he'll be dead.
"
"an alluring young indian, when free
to entice a young sahib to tea,
found he said, ""jolly spiffin'!""
when offered some tiffin?
and more when she sat on his knee.
"
"neath the river we keep out the wet
with a  cofferdam: walls deeply set,
thus to form a big box;
then pump dry (as in docks),
with no leaks and no seepage (as yet).
"
"if you seek a blue elder that's blue,
you will look a long time. but it's true
that the fruit appears so;
but then, what do you know ?
'neath the wax it is black. oh, you knew?
"
"i'm a dipper; my expertise shows
as i dive where the fast water flows.
and as strange as this seems
(a small bird in swift streams),
this is done without webs 'tween my toes.
"
"dame's rocket grows three feet in height,
and its flowers are scented at night.
with masses of seed,
it can spread like a weed,
and from garden to meadow take flight.
"
"agrostemma githago, a weed:
to most it's corn cockle.  the seed
upsets the large bowel,
and is toxic to fowl:
a warning you'd better all heed!
"
"dining out conjures style, and a check
with a tip for the waiter.  the heck
with those elegant scenes;
so our ""dining out"" means
that we'll eat right at home ? on our deck.
"
"a boxer gal, doubtless with clout,
invariably won every bout.
as she squeezed through the ropes,
her coach had high hopes,
saying,  ""go for it ? knock yourself out.""
"
"down the streets of the 'hood he will tread,
a cuculla pulled over his head.
what mystery face,
what sex, age or race?
it's a 'hoodie' inspiring some dread.
"
"i could once strike a pretzel-like pose ?
easy bending, whenever i chose.
now my back is so tight
that i put up a fight
just to reach down and tend to my toes.
"
"an alternative energy force
is required, as we steer a new course.
we've got winds, tides, the sun,
and can draw from each one
as we seek a new energy source.
"
"chinese art's in my heart when i say
your new bed's facing quite the wrong way.
realign it so feet
face the south, and you'll meet
the good fortune that rests with feng shui.
"
"she fixes hot guys with a gaze,
knowing not just their interest she'll raise.
then she turns on a smile;
it's just part of her style:
she's exploiting her feminine ways.
"
"the designer's collection's his best.
now each model will strut with the rest.
down the catwalk, the shoes
entertain and amuse
in what's seen as a high-fashion fest.
"
"yes, it's feasible, but is it wise
to spend zillions on space? are the eyes
of earth's war-ravaged poor,
then, not hard to ignore?
could we possibly answer their cries?
"
"it enfolds like invisible mist
around people who find they exist
with joint empathy bared
through experience shared.
fellow feeling: the sense will persist.
"
"you'll be glad you rang stores and persisted
in your search for old records resisted
as a kid short of cash.
they're available?dash!
your sweet echoes of youth are back-listed.
"
"in my patio space, birds will glide
to a table that's high and quite wide.
they peck seeds from a dish;
there are nuts, if they wish,
in the feeder that's hung to the side.
"
"when you suffer emotional shock,
there's a numbness; your world has no clock.
but what follows is pain
that hits time and again
as your feelings begin to unlock.
"
"with new rumours of lay-offs, we're heading
for a go-slow at work?no more shedding
of sweat from the brow:
look, we're all needed now.
it's a practice that's called featherbedding.
"
"wearing wellington boots, the kids chose
to go sledging; but soon their feet froze;
so they rushed back inside
to get warm, but then cried
as sharp feeling came back to their toes.
"
"demographics can change like the weather,
but people of kind come together.
we see it unfold
in the adage of old
with the flocking of birds of a feather.
"
"when there's grit in the eye (so you cry),
or the lacrimal gland goes awry,
and your eyes are all wet
(though you're not that upset),
sounds like dacryops: wetness of eye.
"
"diapheromera, would you believe,
is an insect that's built to deceive.
as a camouflage trick
he is built like a stick,
and when posed, he is hard to perceive.
"
"""the main business that ought to be planned,""
stated thomas carlyle, understand,
""is to see where you are,
not what's dimly afar ?
and to do what lies clearly at hand.""
"
"i'm a cowboy of rhinestone persuasion;
i will line dance on every occasion.
the clean hat, boots and jeans,
and the bolo tie, means
i'm successful in cattle-evasion.
"
"a bad salesman, disgustingly rude,
was so crude that he even got sued,
but by changing his pitch
got disgustingly rich ?
now a dude not as lewd, we conclude.
"
"why, you ask, is my drinking cup eared?
am i roman, or just acting weird?
a diota's more stable
for frail hands; i'm able
to steady my drink as it's reared.
"
"how delicate one has to be
when nature impels us to pee.
so oh, how much nicer,
when time comes for scheisse,
our world has the w.c.
"
"cygnus olor, ""mute swan,"" is not mute.
he will whistle and grunt, snort and hoot;
should one ever press near,
he will hiss, and make clear
he is nowhere as cute as a coot.
"
"words with -ship sometimes indicate rank,
or a skill, or ? well, let us be frank:
to say creatureship ? ouch!
you can call me a grouch,
but i bet this was coined as a prank.
"
"i've got belt buckles boosting marines;
some show rodeos, logos, machines;
some are souvenir flags,
and a couple are gags ?
none are used, yet, to hold up my jeans.
"
"first envision what you  want to be:
focus well, and degree by degree
you'll subconsciously alter
any actions that falter ?
cybernetics provides you the key.
"
"she's a saucy gal, knows how to flirt;
and she's talkative, playful and pert.
while dicacity's cute,
she's a slut by repute.
hey! but let's not believe all that dirt!
"
"bone black is adsorbent: it's able
to turn sugar white from crude sable.
black ash of burnt bones
will remove darker tones,
adding sweetness with light to your table.
"
"we're disciples where learning is free;
we interpret each word by degree
as we view every angle,
and meanings untangle.
the oedilf ? the big lim'rick grand prix.
"
"this is one of the oddest of flies,
named diopsis, and (what a surprise),
on each side of its head
is a stalk, like a thread,
and the terminal knobs are the eyes.
"
"cuticula dentis, defined
(don't believe this? it boggles the mind!):
it's the skin of our teeth,
just a small basal sheath ?
teething tots chew it off (chomp and grind).
"
"'cause i'm obstinate, set in my ways,
i'm called crotchety ? not meant as praise.
now i'm eighty years old,
so, from what i've been told,
i'll grow out of this difficult phase.
"
"on your bicycle, downhill you scoot
at a hazardous speed, what a hoot!
on their own, coaster brakes
can be trouble ? it takes
a good quality rim brake to boot.
"
"tea picked, dried and pressed in set stages
was shipped, or was warehoused for ages;
brick tea could be brewed,
or made up as a food ?
and was once used in trade, and for wages.
"
"london underground echoes the bong
of its loudspeakers spouting their song.
all as one, bodies crush
on to stairs in a rush.
the mass moves as a huge faceless throng.
"
"stuff to eat, fried and served up at speed,
and called fast food, meets busy folks' need
for a snack on the go
as they rush to and fro.
mind that fat, though. addictive? indeed!
"
"the amount that is left will be more
after fission, than what was before.
and the hazardous factor?
a fast-breeder reactor
has plutonium, deep in the core.
"
"""the cultural content is sparse,""
wrote the critic. ""it lacks any class.
the play's set in a school
where kids break every rule ?
quite ridiculous. rather a farce.""
"
"it's the right of each mother to claim
state child benefit. what is the aim?
she'll have cash to buy food,
and new shoes for her brood;
once called family allowance? the same.
"
"a famine's a shortage of grain
or some other type foods when the rain
fails to fall on the land.
those in want need a hand:
planned relief from their hunger and pain.
"
"out of favour, the government knew,
before civil disturbances grew,
they would have to change tack
or risk getting the sack
and be run out of town in a coup.
"
"you find dark chocolate isn't too sweet
and prefer it. it is hard to beat!
go on, savour the flavour
of that which you favour?:
i've bought you a box as a treat.
"
"a light greyish-brown is called fawn;
and by trees, at the edge of my lawn,
grazing there, without fear,
could be seen a young deer,
its pale colour the essence of dawn.
"
"here in britain you'll find all agree
it's a football club's name that you see
when the place written down
 is a city or town
and is followed by letters: fc.
"
"boomed the boss in a voice bold and stern:
""we're a vibrant and thriving concern;
in competitive races
for sales, we score aces.
we've proved we're a firm that can earn.""
"
"when for sandwiches you're in the mood,
you'll use fingers to pick up your food;
those same digits will fold
squares of tissue you hold
for wiping your bum when you've pooed.
"
"the willow wood's strong and won't spoil,
for i've dressed it with pure linseed oil.
now my bat will not crack;
i can whack with a thwack
as the onslaughts from bowlers i foil.
"
"""unhand me, you teaser!"" gushed inga,
but then paused, hoping strokings would linger;
for he'd just, with one digit,
quelled all urge to fidget:
smooth touch from a feather-light finger.
"
"dropping coins in the box, people say,
""when that violin's played, we will pay.""
but while faces were turned,
someone stole what was earned,
so the fiddler was fiddled that day.
"
"we both heard a sharp click, like a stick,
as his fibula snapped.  i feel sick;
the thin bone's pierced his calf.
""is it painful?"" ""not half,
i'm in agony; ambulance?quick!""
"
"a field trip's a study that's planned;
when outdoors, students trek over land
and may follow a scheme
to test flows of a stream;
thus, experience gained is first-hand.
"
"in fielding a ball, some guys flick it,
but all fielders (or fieldsmen) in cricket
aim to try, through the match,
to stop balls with a catch,
when they're whacked off the wood from the wicket.
"
"""here at court,"" said queen bess, ""all agree
that my gowns are as fine as can be!""
any dissidence led
to a toss of her head,
and a hotly said ""fiddle-de-dee!""
"
"it's one pound to get into the fete;
folk paid happily?stalls were the bait.
""a church roof will be raised
with your cash. god be praised!""
smiled the vicar, while rattling a plate.
"
"my acromial spurs have appeal,
poking up on each shoulder; i feel
absolutely no pain,
and the practical gain?
to hold shoulder straps on, they're ideal.
"
"she's cultrivorous. ouch! that must hurt,
as she swallows (yet renders inert)
those sharp daggers and knives;
yet she always survives ?
and swills razor blades down, for dessert.
"
"an arbor, free standing, with view:
one entrance (you cannot walk through).
while the pergola frame
might appear much the same,
it's a ""covered way"" ? entrances two.
"
"leery, dad kept his eye on his rye:
on the bottle he'd pencil how high,
showing how much was left,
and detect any theft.
we would sip, and dilute his supply.
"
"caragana: large bush or small tree,
in the family of legumes (the pea).
great for shelterbelt use,
grown with poplar and spruce ?
but the seed shatters out and grows free.
"
"i'm a biker, i'm fast and i'm tough;
a commuter, through traffic that's rough.
as i weave in and out,
hear my ""ding-ding"" and shout ?
""coming through!"" as i pedal and puff.
"
"cutting keyholes was once quite a chore:
special hand tool required for that door.
while at sea-side resorts,
many lusty young sports
paid to see what the compass saw saw.
"
"when i'm curling they all know my name;
from obscurity, suddenly fame.
with ice heavy or keen,
i'm the one to be seen.
on the button's the aim of my game.
"
"georges bugnet, pioneer, born in france,
came to canada, plants to enhance;
and to add to his fame
la for?t won acclaim
as a novel on forest romance.
"
"sweet potatoes, with harvest complete,
need curing with moist air and heat.
this aids their survival
and flawless arrival
for sale ? with the roots firm and sweet.
"
"to maintain an old car was a snap;
you could reach all the plugs, set the gap.
and to thwart a car theft?
why, the rotor you'd heft,
from beneath the distributor cap.
"
"chickweed phlox needs a well-drained position;
its transition to garden addition
will succeed, and bloom great
(in zones 4 through to 8),
in the spring, free of wild competition.
"
"here's the dinothere story, succinct:
dino's face and its fate could be linked ?
since its tusks, curving back,
hurt defense and attack,
so that now the poor beast is extinct.
"
"financing this mansion is iffy,
but the neighborhood's tranquil and spiffy.
its resplendent appeal
says ""let's work out a deal.""
we could cut you a check in a jiffy.
"
"the dibber stick pokes in the dirt
in a soil-mix, or mixtures inert.
dib the seedling roots down,
just as deep as the crown.
now, some wetting with no-damp won't hurt.
"
"coal is black as fresh snowfall is white.
lead is heavy as helium's light.
so you're still looking for
one contrarium more?
new moon's dim as our sun star is bright.
"
"i had planned on a pub dine and crawl,
but instead we arrived at a ball.
i said, ""why change the plan?""
she said, ""no change, dear man.
our night out is amended, that's all.""
"
"when a diaphoretic makes sweat,
could be fever, emotion, or threat,
taking drugs, or the flu,
or from exercise too ?
but ""hot flash"" is the consummate wet.
"
"sure, i'm drinkin' all night, and i'm wishin'
i could quench this great thirst. my condition
is dipsosis. i swear,
and i'm tellin' ye square,
it is medical ? ask me physician.
"
"our dog russ held the doll with his paw,
then proceeded to chew and to gnaw.
i let out a great shout ?
""russ, come here! spit it out!
give it up! right now, drop it! dismaw!""
"
"if you seek a reliable crop,
choose tomatoes that know when to stop.
a determinate kind
will self prune, and you'll find
that you won't need to nip off the top.
"
"what's that thing about ""cockles"" and ""heart""?
and is cochlea cordis a part
of the source of that phrase?
and the warmth it portrays?
i can't tell you.  i just ain't that smart.
"
"using basswood, and watching the grain,
carve a carousel horse ? head and mane,
legs and tail. with the parts
glued together, it starts
to look good. (painting detail's a pain.)
"
"in the mall, if you wandered astray,
a directory floor-plan array
would soon set you straight;
and (if right up-to-date)
the screen footprints would show you the way.
"
"on my way to a russian ballet,
in my dress, sparkling diamante,
sundry sequins came loose,
so you'll quickly deduce
i arrived in abashed disarray.
"
"""now i'm pres, no more broccoli for me,""
said bush senior, as smug as can be.
barbara grinned, ""as you wish.""
then she served up the dish ?
""here's some nice calabrese,"" said she.
"
"in that errant balloon there's a boy!
and that helium craft is no toy.
did the kid climb inside
and cast off for a ride?
it turned out ? just a hoax, and a ploy.
"
"slowly passing a truck, long and big,
the young driver looked out, and yelled ""pig!""
as my head spun around
there's a thud-and-squeal sound ?
as i creamed the damn pig with my rig.
"
"i use basswood, and wield a sharp knife;
i carve rustic-style, based on real life.
as i cut, chip, and pare,
this one gives me a scare ?
it begins to resemble my wife.
"
"a pattern of squares is revealed
as i heedfully cross-tine the field.
old dobbin and harrow
groove straight as an arrow ?
as long as i keep my eyes peeled.
"
"when you're buying your next pair of shoes,
good support, not just style, you should choose.
check the counter, ensure
that it's firm and secure
at your heel, and all others refuse.
"
"with an upbeat and resolute mind,
he's a cyclist, the long distance kind.
sporting full eighteen gears
there's no summit he fears,
as he grinds up hills steeply inclined.
"
"there's a lorry in ""lift axle"" mode;
its dead axle pulls wheels off the road
to reduce tyre wear,
but they're lowered to share
in the weight of a full heavy load.
"
"check the currency of this address.
sent it once, but returned ? no success.
up to date as to suite?
did they move from that street?
i would change it, but don't want to guess.
"
"once, before entertainment was canned,
with our aunties and uncles on hand,
our forced recreation
would be declamation;
each child would recite as was planned.
"
"a coldharbour comes into view:
with no beds or staff, comforts are few,
but for travellers' plight
it's a place for the night.
though it's crude, any shelter will do.
"
"the customs guy's grim icy stare
matched his ""anything, sir, to declare?""
but with casual mien
and a visage serene,
i said, ""no sir,"" (and offered a prayer).
"
"on the cruise ship, now docked, you're aware
of a bunkering ? just sniff the air.
as you lounge by the pool,
rue the high cost of fuel,
but don't worry ? you've paid your fair share.
"
"sometimes trees quite exotic are grown
as a trial, but are winterkill prone.
but if die-back to snowline
defines the no-grow line,
they're not for our hardiness zone.
"
"what a sneak! i divine your intent
when you say you are halving my rent.
get it out of your head:
there's no room in my bed.
admit it! that is what you meant.
"
"the workers on break in the hall
had stories to tell, mostly tall.
but gossip all done,
the substance was none:
amounting to sweet bugger all.
"
"at an atm enter your pin
as an access code, letting you in
to your savings account;
just key in the amount,
and then ""bingo!"" that's your cash you win.
"
"there were problems refining the clock.
enter deadbeat escapement, to lock
and then slide, to release
the moving verge piece ?
and voil?! the familiar tick-tock.
"
"the job's difficult, seems all uphill;
it takes effort and skill to fulfill:
i'll suppress all the stress;
i'll progress to success;
i'll work hard at it, till i can chill.
"
"he's recalcitrant, cussed, or worse,
also difficult, obstinate, terse:
to my ""yes,"" it's ""no way!""
just a stage, so they say,
but his black sullen moods are a curse.
"
"on cold mornings the engine was tight,
so, to get the car spark to ignite,
i would get out up front,
and i'd wind and i'd grunt,
while the crank handle put up a fight.
"
"the large dinocerata  of yore
were mammals without much rapport:
each kind sported hooves,
which only just proves
a tentative link, nothing more.
"
"when the dentist  says ""grind for me, tight,
on this carbon,"" he checks on your bite.
when he sees little stain
as you bite down again,
then your crown is abutted just right.
"
"as a cuckoo, i don't build a nest
because other kind birds do it best.
is it asking too much
that my egg joins the clutch?
and for this, i am known as a pest?
"
"i'll define cultirostral, but how?
it's from colter: the nose of a plow,
and from rostrum: the bill
that a heron might fill
as he turns your koi carp into chow.
"
"with the sound of a freight train, or thunder,
the tornado descends, and we wonder
from here, underground,
is our home safe and sound?
or completely destroyed, torn asunder?
"
"a clipper works something like this:
a chinook wind that's warm goes amiss;
it blasts into a clipper,
a swift, icy ripper ?
alberta is blowing a kiss.
"
"the old cloche was of glass, like a bell,
used to cover young plants for a spell
so that growers of old
could protect from the cold
coddled specimens, grown to excel.
"
"to parallel park is a breeze:
into tight spots adeptly you'll squeeze.
all four wheels turn the same;
merely focus and aim,
as you crab steer with consummate ease.
"
"if your plant starts to wilt and die back,
could be critter or fungus attack.
or the soil. maybe slugs.
or the water. or bugs?
likely frost, if the leaves all turn black.
"
"social graces? well, yes, a good talker.
well-rounded.  (i don't mean a porker.)
she's my favourite guest,
and out-parties the rest.
bottom line, she's terrific. a corker!
"
"just one dandelion, hosting a bee:
""tell me how many flowers you see?""
""only one."" ""not quite true,
when you take the close view.
count the corollets ? dozens,"" said she.
"
"discalceation's a clear obligation
for muslims to show veneration.
in the mosque remove shoes;
it's not meet to refuse.
please comply for that hallowed sensation.
"
"your apple tree won't do its thing?
then try budding to give it some zing.
single buds are inserted
so sap is diverted ?
wrap firmly, and wait for the spring.
"
"he'd had many a long business meeting,
fat cigars, too much drinking and eating;
on this solid foundation
his fine corporation
made his vest-buttons pop from their seating.
"
"close down parliament, no more debate!
we're prorogued till a much later date.
no dictator am i;
let democracy die?
opposition is all that i hate.
"
"of the many creations of god,
water decapods seem a bit odd.
all those legs (count 'em, ten)
were configured, and then
exoskeleton got the big nod.
"
"the lateen-rigged old caravel boat
was, for fishing, the finest afloat.
and with sails changed to square,
bold columbus would dare
to explore for new trade routes, remote.
"
"the churn drill, truck mounted, will bore
in the ground seeking samples of ore.
by percussion the pipe
is tapped down. while this type
will be painfully slow, it is sure.
"
"it's a torture called sleep deprivation,
intended to safeguard the nation.
loss of sleep night and day,
""frequent flyer,"" they say,
will contribute to full subjugation.
"
"get a dozen for one, it's a deal?
could you spare one?  or more for a meal?
stop, or turn on one tight,
or get off one and fight,
or drop one when calling to squeal.
"
"she stepped from the tanning machine,
now complexioned a bright tangerine.
""yes, i know that it's wrong
to be in there too long,
but before i went in i was green.""
"
"in the halfpipe, my snowboard i'll whip
o'er the lip for that amplitude flip:
gaining maximum height,
i'm a sight in mid-flight.
i look hip as i grip and let rip.
"
"when a cauliflower's growing mature,
the young curd should be covered. obscure
from the sun with a flap
made of leaves ? inward snap.
with no light, it stays tight, white and pure.
"
"look, 'potatoes' (oh darn!) in my hose.
they need darning to patch heels and toes.
they're expensive to darn,
and i can't find the yarn.
i'll have to buy new, i suppose.
"
"off to work, and i cycle quite fast;
cut off buses ? leave drivers aghast.
wearing tight riding suits
just to show off my glutes,
i look back at each rider i've passed.
"
"with the bunkers' comedic debut
on tv ? something shocking and new ?
we were under their spell.
who could tell what they'd yell
as they tackled each topic, taboo.
"
"ice and snow builds; we're packed in the plane
on the runway, delayed once again.
comes the spray, the ice thaws
from deicing ? applause!
now we'll soon be away, easing strain.
"
"on the web a cyrillic debut
by the kremlin is lauded by few;
so this push for tradition?
perhaps empty wishin' ?
and something the russians may rue.
"
"you're conversant enough to critique,
and to speak with a certain technique.
when conversance is yours,
then your confidence soars ?
but shun topics on which you are weak.
"
"this cabochon mirrors the skill
of the artist, who worked to fulfill
the greatest potential,
and traits quintessential,
of agate, perchance, from brazil.
"
"i'm a beetle, the fastest you've seen.
call me ""tiger"" because my routine
is to chase insects down.
this ensures my renown
as a critter decidedly mean.
"
"dig me out? just you give it a try!
i've a bulbous-like base ? that is why
when your lawn i invade,
it's for keeps i'm afraid.
i'm a sweet little buttercup, i.
"
"there's a turk and a cypriot fight,
and it's hard to say who's in the right;
for the name of the game
is to alter the name
of the sweet once called ""lumps of delight.""
"
"a wee child puffs a dandelion head,
and its seeds are dispersed, widely spread.
from this same basic word,
a dispersal's occurred
when a shooting-range target is read.
"
"the aleutians saw early aleuts
hunt the seal in their comfy fur suits.
they would cinch up their parkas
to seal their baidarkas,
and paddle for new mitts and boots.
"
"core exercise? man, am i keen ?
it keeps my bod balanced and lean.
find the workout that suits;
tone the back, abs and glutes,
and gain strength with a daily routine.
"
"they are edible tubers that grow
like white beads, pushed up tight in a row.
when you're in the far east
you might try (once at least)
chinese artichoke: chow you should know.
"
"if you are to  directional drilling
inclined, and are able and willing
to access the know-how,
technicians will show how
to pump out the oil. make a killing!
"
"on the racetrack, the corner is built
with a camber that gives the right tilt:
banking down from outside,
to avoid sideways slide ?
i can ramp up my speed to the hilt.
"
"all the crew was lined up stern to bow.
""do we have a full complement now?
i will brook no delay;
time for anchors aweigh.
ah yes, here comes our moggie."" ""meow.""
"
"""life is hard, and you finally die.""
and ""aim high? that's just pie in the sky.""
and ""to find the right mate
is a matter of fate.""
such beliefs you maintain or decry.
"
"core countries are those who have means,
higher wages, armed forces, machines.
their peripheral nations
provide the plantations
and labour; they often have beans.
"
"martian features?  i'm hard to convince
that cydonia is sculpted,  but since
it includes the odd shape,
not quite human or ape,
are you sure that it isn't a quince?
"
"colchicaceae:  plant family name;
at least that's  what the splitters would claim.
but the lumpers say, ""never!
why try to be clever?
they're 'lilies' ? all one and the same.""
"
"from a bulb in a pot by the wall
sprouts a stalk, but no leaves, big or small.
why is bowiea reared?
short answer? it's weird ?
green stems in a tangle. that's all.
"
"the word atheist ? that's  ""in your face,""
and the pious may get on your case.
try a kindlier term,
less abrasive, yet firm.
areligious: it says it with grace.
"
"when my wife goes to shop for a thong,
i'm compliant and tag right along.
and in any dispute
i will try to stay mute.
i am strong, but admit when i'm wrong.
"
"an attachment the reaper requires:
long fingers of wood, braced with wires,
well aligned with the blade.
and this cage is his aid:
the cradle scythe meets his desires.
"
"the depression, and with it deflation,
in the thirties brought need for formation
of an ottawa bank
to direct (let's be frank),
for our nation, financial salvation.
"
"look here, there's a cork tree for sale.
an amur. let us check one detail.
if the tree goes to seed
it will spread like a weed.
read the label; make sure that it's male.
"
"in wet swampy ground may appear,
in those places remote and austere,
the bog kalmia growing,
its pink flowers glowing
across our great northern frontier.
"
"the digibox issued by sky
brings my satellite signal supply.
when shut down (not in use),
the thing still uses juice.
see my power bill climb. i could cry.
"
"crib-biting's a terrible vice
seen in horses; it carries a price.
if your stallion or mare
with arched neck sucks in air,
you might seek some preventive device.
"
"ball nettle will out-weed the rest.
forget herbicide ? that suits it best;
competition removed,
growing space is improved
and it spreads with more vigour and zest.
"
"britain's camberwell beauty: the name
of this butterfly conjures some fame.
yet throughout the new world
its wings are unfurled
as the mourning cloak: one and the same.
"
"both the commons and senate had ceased
here in canada; worry increased.
why was parliament bound?
the whole truth was not found
in the reasons that harper released.
"
"oh crooked-stemmed aster, watch out!
you are threatened; survival's in doubt.
shady stream banks are lost,
and a part of the cost?
your extinction through sunlight and drought.
"
"alliaceae? truth i must tell:
it's the family with onions that smell.
since the scent is too strong,
they no longer belong
with the lilies. alone they should dwell.
"
"i'd say intercourse there, without fear,
when describing a discourse sincere.
now i limit its use,
for it tends to produce
connotations too negative here.
"
"i'm investing at last in a tux,
and this label connotes certain luxe.
yes, i have to confess
that i'm out to impress,
so i'll need to fork out the big bucks.
"
"elementary schools will provide
core curricula studies, well tried.
but advance to high ed
and we're focussed instead;
core studies are set to the side.
"
"a vertical mine shaft could crumble;
the sides could cave in with a rumble
and fatally fall,
but a well-built crib wall
will securely prevent the dread tumble.
"
"""would you care to adumbrate the plot?""
asked my publisher. no, i could not,
'cause the outline was weak;
thus my future was bleak
as a novelist. oh well, so what?
"
"its history stirs admiration:
that's bmo (""my bank"" to a nation),
which established its worth
before canada's birth
with financial diversification.
"
"out of sorts? maybe this cramped your style:
of four humours, the first was black bile
(check the settling crud
found in set-aside blood);
not enough or too much, you'd feel vile.
"
"as the immigrant reaches our shore,
he should honour the unwritten law.
our core values, ingrained,
should be clearly explained:
yes, democracy! but  there's much more...
"
"i enjoy a downhill on the skis,
but it gives me sore ankles and knees.
with diclofenac rub,
though, i'm back in the club
and off sliding with relative ease.
"
"the black bean fly is shiny and small.
on the leaf she lays eggs; maggots crawl
down inside to the stem
as they feed and condemn
the young plant, which will yellow and stall.
"
"if drunk driving is shown to be true,
then this victim is likely to sue.
with the driver to blame,
it might well launch a claim,
and some blood money may become due.
"
"the best man drank his seventh rum sling,
staggered in ? he'd mislaid the damn ring ?
then passed out, was revived,
and threw up. he'd contrived
to disrupt the entire bloody thing!
"
"there are insects that could make you sick:
they can grab as you pass, and then stick
onto skin, fur or wool,
suck your blood till they're full.
this all makes acarologists tick.
"
"for good drainage the road has convexity:
raised a bit with a whit of complexity.
'cause the road has a crown,
i am safe; i won't drown
as i drive, high and dry, to the nex' city.
"
"here's a bird that's obsessed with a quest:
needs to build a high-altitude nest.
never quite high enough
for this bold alpine chough.
(i expect other birds are impressed.)
"
"we're the brash and the loud chatterati.
opinions? we got 'em. talk hearty!
we will go the whole hog
when we chat, or we blog;
and we diss each political party.
"
"bathymetrics relates to the sea;
mapping landscapes down deep is the key.
first with sounding-line rope,
then with sonar-type scope,
now, from space, we chart depths by degree.
"
"the profligate privet, chinese,
will escape with the greatest of ease.
so whatever you do
don't send nature askew:
you should not plant this hedge. pretty please?
"
"the hulusi from china is tootable:
great for bach compositions? disputable.
but to draw up a score
for three players or more
to do beethoven's fourth? quite unsuitable.
"
"have you heard that some fish can breathe air?
happy fish out of water? that's rare.
but the dipnoan fish
come on land as they wish.
all the other fish think that's unfair.
"
"it's essential in many respects:
the coleorhiza protects
(during seed germination
and seedling formation)
the radicle, as it projects.
"
"could there be some good reason or rhyme
why a botanist studies the cyme?
he must fathom the essence
of this inflorescence
for details of nature sublime.
"
"the lord, you say, offers salvation;
but first i must fight off temptation?
including strong drink?
hold on, let me think ?
deliberation invokes a libation.
"
"with an innocent look on his face,
the kid aimed to dissunder the vase.
his first catapult shot
smashed it right on the spot.
(he then cleaned it all up without trace.)
"
"she'd be heard at the back of the hall;
she'd enrapture the crowd, she'd enthrall.
she had mastered the pause:
she was lauded, because
her delivery reached one and all.
"
"arkeologists say they believe
noah's ark ? and i think it naive ?
rode the flood to the mount.
(check the bible account.)
do they posit, or aim to deceive?
"
"actinomycetes appear
in your mouth, and your gut, and your rear.
these bacterial rods?
not a scourge of the gods,
and in general nothing to fear.
"
"to grow fruit trees that many admire,
try the cordon style, tied down to wire.
horizontally trim
and secure every limb.
the result will be sure to inspire.
"
"frederick browning appeared to excel
in his army career, but he fell
a sad victim to pride.
and, with victory denied,
it seems history will not treat him well.
"
"it's called club root, a virulent gall:
a disease that makes brassicas small.
once called ""finger and toe,""
it will cut down the flow
of the sap, causing plant growth to stall.
"
"the weatherman shows the formation
of a system that bodes wet vacation.
oh, must he say ""rain""?
wish he'd lessen the pain
and instead speak of  ""devaporation.""
"
"craspedia serves to convey
a bold accent within a bouquet.
every bright yellow orb
of this new zealand forb
adds some emphasis to the display.
"
"i've deduced from your desperate state
a derivement  i need to relate.
as you stand on that ledge,
looking over the edge,
there is little time left for debate.
"
"one of canada's banks has it made:
innovation with reach to invade
the wide world overseas.
it expands by degrees:
witness scotiabank's dogged crusade.
"
"""dig this bach played on steroids, it's hot.
i sure like the cd i just bought.""
asked his featherbrained mate,
""bach composed much of late?""
""sadly decomposed now ? quite a lot.""
"
"at this sporty and high-end resort,
our intent is cliental support.
we are always discreet
should a guest ever cheat
or enjoy the occasional snort.
"
"the canadian dollar's a loonie:
it's a coin that has often looked puny
'gainst the bill in the states.
but who cares? one that rates
twice as strong as the loonie's the toonie.
"
"so you'd like me to lend to your friend.
just a loan? ah, but where will this end?
does he need my support?
and right now i am short.
(my diallage's apt, i contend.)
"
"what is ""dammar""? and could it be rude?
no, it's closer to glued, or to stewed.
look it up: it's a gum
used in varnish, with some
found in incense, and stuff found in food.
"
"grandpa's disk harrow, drawn by the horse,
is today pulled by tractor, of course.
concave disks set in rows
level fields' highs and lows
where the plough has made ridges by force.
"
"a dialypetalous tip:
pull each petal to see if she'll trip.
does she love me or not?
does she like what i've got?
all the petals are gone. let it rip!
"
"when you're honing a cabochon stone,
grasping fingers are accident prone.
add a dop stick with wax
so you're safer; relax,
now your digits won't grind to the bone.
"
"chenopodium's oft overlooked.
this ""fat hen"" has some value when cooked.
nip the annual weed
ere it runs into seed.
enjoy spinach? this might get you hooked.
"
"in the trenches i'll never forget
how we watched for the hun's silhouette:
by incendiary glare
and occasional flare,
adumbration revealing the threat.
"
"you're deprecable sir! you sell porn.
rumor has it you sold your first born.
and i saw, furthermore,
in the grocery store
you peel back and sniff each ear of corn.
"
"this appurtenance (pathway with gates)
now a legal free passage creates.
thus i may cross the land
with no payment in hand,
a provision the landowner hates.
"
"there's a cribbing that's new in the mine;
with less weight, and less bulk, it works fine.
the wood's vertical grain
has resistance to strain.
safer mines use the atlas design.
"
"in a mine, after hauling out ore,
lengths of lumber are stacked from the floor
in a ""log cabin"" style,
made to form a strong pile
to the roof, which this cribbing will shore.
"
"a magazine known for soft porn
was called argosy, often reborn
into new incarnations
of pulp publications;
enjoyed ? or regarded with scorn.
"
"in new bedford, a merchant of whaling,
james arnold, both ag?d and ailing,
had made the decision
to kick-start his vision:
a grand arboretum unveiling.
"
"""christianity: here's a new kind,""
said brian mclaren. ""you'll find
core beliefs now revised.""
(you need not be surprised
if young seekers are of a like mind.)
"
"the corkwood is usually found
in swampy or very wet ground
in the southeastern states.
and this wood truly rates
as the lightest, most buoyant around.
"
"core-plus mathematics: an aid
to attaining that good passing grade?
in the end, it was found
with the kids, college bound,
that they failed basic math, i'm afraid.
"
"the toy airwave is mainly for boys.
roger wilco (his real name) deploys
mighty force, fighting crime
in some far future time:
squinty-eyed, he attacks and destroys.
"
"when sanded, it shows a chatoyance,
this wood with a certain flamboyance,
and changeable lustre.
but will it pass muster
as ""shittim wood""? what an annoyance.
"
"the ""less than"" and ""greater than"" team
has a plan, an objective, a dream:
they would like a slick name,
like the caret of fame;
""he's the 'hat', we're the 'gloves'!"" ? that's the scheme!
"
"i've arthritis (both hips); it's a strain.
without saying, this does connote pain.
i have trouble with stairs,
and those deep comfy chairs.
there's just one thing that helps: i complain.
"
"""do have a good flight, and take care,""
said orville, ""and once in the air,
please, no barrel roll swoop,
and do not loop-the-loop.
think! this flyer's a fragile affair.""
"
"it's been fifty long years since we wed.
now whatever got into her head?
she has booked us at cowes
where we first said our vows.
""cancellable, is it?"" i said.
"
"there are words that may leave us nonplussed,
like the one in old books pronounced ""dust.""
so how does one construe
a ""thou dost""? it's ""you do.""
that is it. now we all have it sussed.
"
"now we know that we've made some mistakes;
we have dead zones in seas and in lakes.
with our effluent waste,
shore-line water's debased.
check the black sea to learn what it takes.
"
"my displeasance you've sorely provoked:
there's a non-smoking sign, but you smoked.
in this room of stale air,
i declare that's unfair.
to be brief, sir, i'm thoroughly choked.
"
"my site tends to crash when one clicks it.
its software's so old i can't fix it.
the content's low rated;
it's slow and outdated.
i might as well simply deep-six it.
"
"it was more than a dental exam:
first a shot, then that big rubber dam
crammed down tight. 'fore i knew it,
my teeth were stuck through it ?
my tongue like a piece of dried ham.
"
"comes with age, and more often i'm finding
a need for some frequent reminding,
that ice-creamy treats,
and sharp cheese with red meats,
'long with pizza and eggs, could be binding.
"
"she purchased a basket of pears
from an orchardist selling his wares
at a stall of repute.
and the weight of the fruit?
both were happy, so nobody cares.
"
"buster brown was a comic strip boy,
and his girly good looks he'd deploy.
with his dog that could speak,
this incurable sneak
would beguile, then annoy or destroy.
"
"a pioneer flight that was scary-oh
was the crossing by french pilot bl?riot:
this first airplane over
the channel to dover
crash-landed and needed repairio.
"
"in a holy procession today
i led the archbishop display:
i'm the crociary, toting
the cross, thus promoting
the grandiose catholic way.
"
"to be functional and economical
the inuit homes were built domical.
couldn't copy the cree,
with their tipis, you see,
because conical igloos look comical.
"
"my dog's out of sorts. he's engrossed,
madly scratching himself, diagnosed
with a tick from the lawn,
and he can't pass it on:
he is ""it"" ? the definitive host.
"
"i'm a bit of a lad; i live free.
i've been bad, no religion for me.
near the end, when i'm done
and i've had all my fun,
there's a deathbed conversion i see.
"
"in a slimline brown bottle, this drink
was a chicory essence, like ink.
so, where coffee was rare,
we used camp. be aware,
this dark concentrate makes your pores stink.
"
"the collapse: was it trade diminution?
or satellite state retribution?
was it wars, hot and cold?
this and more, i am told,
caused the ussr's dissolution.
"
"while his eyebrows were bushy and dense,
he was bald, so at some great expense
he transplanted some hair
from his brow to up there,
raising eyebrows in more than one sense.
"
"a bushing got worn, and it broke.
just a small thing, but soon there was smoke.
it is hard to believe
that a thin metal sleeve
would induce the whole system to croak.
"
"leonid brezhnev learned well,
and his mentor he planned to expel.
to the nation's frustration
he guided stagnation.
his legacy? frankly, more hell.
"
"anti-party group: communists torn.
these were dissidents treated with scorn
for opposing the state.
khrushchev brought his full weight
down to banish each member forlorn.
"
"when it comes to bouquets, you're fastidious;
every flower you choose is chlamydeous.
you refuse to extol a
bloom lacking corolla
or calyx; you claim they're all hideous.
"
"i'm a chef ? love my job ? it's a ball,
and my fast-flying knives never stall.
so defly i dice,
that my cuts are precise.
why, i hardly need band-aids at all.
"
"stalin's purpose was russification,
to strengthen the soviet nation.
soon after he died,
some successors then tried
out a new plan: de-stalinization.
"
"active measures: a positive theme,
but unnerving when pushed to extreme,
as in world domination.
the soviet nation
used this to secure their regime.
"
"a dormer looks good from outside,
but there's something i wish to confide:
some dormers are blind ?
there's no room with that kind.
false fronts i just cannot abide.
"
"in your business you need to peruse
the churn rate ? the assets you lose,
as opposed to the gain.
any evident drain
should be factored in methods you choose.
"
"a. abrotanum: let me make clear
that this wormwood makes worms disappear.
when prepared as a potion
for bowel commotion,
it leads to that hearty bronx cheer.
"
"on the bridge where the swift waters flow,
a long bungee was ready to go.
i said, ""give it a try?""
without pause her reply
was a clear-cut and vehement ""no.""
"
"what type ski pole to use? that's depending:
downhill racing? through powder, ascending?
but the major enhancer?
the basket's the answer.
(and whatever the pro's recommending.)
"
"this wicker of palambang cane,
light and flexible, takes on the strain
when the basket alights
from those sight-seeing flights,
thus protecting the ones they contain.
"
"we had sailed out too far from the bay;
murky weather increased our dismay.
there was palpable fear
as the fog horn drew near:
an adumbrative shape pierced the grey.
"
"in the stock market i'm a tactician:
""diversify,"" that's my position.
i'll give you the scoop:
i will buy a whole group
as a basket, and pay one commission.
"
"different fruit on one tree's what i'm after:
i graft trees; you could call me a grafter.
yes, it works, but my chum
grafted apple to plum.
well, you couldn't get very much dafter.
"
"du maurier, author of note,
was intrigued by the past; was remote.
now her work is renowned
for the plots that abound
'round the gothic romances she wrote.
"
"down those long logging trails they now haul us,
and as framework in buildings install us:
we are cone-bearing trees
and we're happy to please;
but your clearcutting habits appall us.
"
"dr. norman bethune's expertise
was deployed against wounds and disease.
all those burdens he bore
in a far distant war:
he's an icon to many chinese.
"
"clethra's a shrub lesser known,
and botanically placed on its own.
there are those who extol
it for washout control
in a temperate hardiness zone.
"
"our business is steady; that's why
i believe that our stock's a good buy.
total assets, just look,
exceed value (that's book):
above water, you cannot deny.
"
"dancing dangdut, she wiggles her butt,
swinging hips, undulating her gut ?
first those belly-dance moves,
then some up-to-date grooves.
she's legit, but to some just a slut.
"
"on our new coat of arms, adumbration
is reflecting our lessening station.
since we lost the estate,
we now need to relate,
as an outline, our sense of frustration.
"
"i'm a setter, a pointer, retriever:
a bird dog, an over-achiever.
my nose points to game
so you'll know where to aim.
see me pose and you'll be a believer.
"
"to be cribrated: sifted, refined,
sorted smaller from larger in kind.
there's another cribration
drives thought agitation,
thus sifting the things of the mind.
"
"as prime minister, he was the one
called ""the prophet who carried a gun.""
and if one man created
""new zion"" (loved/hated),
ben-gurion got the job done.
"
"we were sunbathing down by the bay,
sure that no one could see our display.
not a soul was in sight
till a cessna in flight
dipped and buzzed us, and flew on its way.
"
"as the nursing home scrambles to feed,
at the tea bell, old flo takes the lead.
with her walking-frame clacking
she's there for good snacking ?
first place with that last burst of speed.
"
"mid-day, there's an act of foul play
that the newsman must clearly portray
through his tv report
(somewhat graphic, yet short):
""in broad daylight . . . "" ? oh no! that clich??
"
"""what's the word on the street? what's the buzz?
what's the dope? do we know what he does?""
""makes big bucks with a dream;
it's a pyramid scheme!
just a rip-off ? let's tip off the fuzz.""
"
"she's a convertite, no more bad name:
""i was lewd, now i'm chaste,"" is her claim.
but if i'm any judge,
just my wink or a nudge,
and her virtue will melt just the same.
"
"often patronage opened the door
that clientage couldn't ignore.
this ""for-life"" compensation
(a class obligation)
would further careers and much more.
"
"they commended the child to her care
when her ex pulled a stunt on a dare.
he had balanced the tot
on the rail of his yacht,
and then dangled him out in midair.
"
"i was six when i learned about trade
with a table of fresh lemonade:
the cool drink was a treat
in the blistering heat,
and the tree offered capital shade.
"
"telling jokes and stuff? i'm a go-getter;
well, i tell one about a french letter.
then, stealing my thunder,
up pops the boy wonder
and caps it with one that is better.
"
"while my insulin regimen's strict,
my reaction i cannot predict.
seems that progress is little,
for this type is brittle
diabetes: and mine is not licked.
"
"bend it like beckham portrays,
in that film about soccer, the  ways
a punjab family teen
can make queen of the green,
with a kick that will truly amaze.
"
"i've a buddy, a jolly boon friend;
and his wedding i'd like to attend:
but what kind of a pal
would steal my best gal?
should i go? what would you recommend?
"
"good morrow, kind sir, a small boon?
with your fife might you play me a tune?
it would help me re-tell
of my comrades who fell:
with their spirits i wish to commune.
"
"is he only a tiger by name?
perhaps it's the money or fame.
whatever attraction
induced this reaction,
she's setting her cap at him. shame!
"
"with my buzzsaw i'm sawing the flooring.
i'm von richthofen, swooping and soaring.
it's all a mistake;
i am now wide awake:
bless my wife with her short bursts of snoring.
"
"at the still it was just me and clem.
he said, ""call this good hooch? i condemn
this here batch, it's too weak.
needs a tweak up to peak ?
put it through once again. let's dephlegm.""
"
"gen'ral benedict arnold of fame
turned to treason, and sullied his name.
he got mad, called it quits,
and sold out to the brits.
he's a byword for traitor. what shame.
"
"boosterism: that's the good word.
come out west, one and all, ain't you heard?
there is land that needs breaking;
it's yours for the taking!
miss out on this deal? that's absurd.
"
"with some qualms and deserved apprehension,
she bypassed all office convention
and went to the chief,
who, in sheer disbelief,
wrote a note for her instant suspension.
"
"for sale was a property, grand.
'twould have served for our home. but a stand
of drab oil-pumping gear
quickly squelched our good cheer.
this appurtenance came with the land.
"
"maid marion's one minute near
and the next she's afar, chasing deer.
so robin (the hood)
said ""my dear, if you would,
please remain within bowshot, you hear?""
"
"""here's a brand new canadian tax;
it's on income?hold on, please relax!
it's to pay for the war,
then you'll see it no more.""
borden lied: it is still on our backs.
"
"i'm a spider; i have a cribellum:
that's an organ that helps me to quell 'em.
once it's aided my spinner,
i wait for my dinner.
webs catch 'em and then i death knell 'em.
"
"who on earth is, or was, adam buddle?
can't remember? your brain spells befuddle?
think: a botanist's name
from whence buddleia came.
thus two d's. that's the end to the muddle.
"
"the atmosphere 'round us abounds
by the inch, by pascals, or by pounds.
take the weight by the sea
while aligned with paris:
aie! the pressure upon us astounds.
"
"here's a condiment, more than okay,
with its aniseed-liquorice bouquet.
chinese anise its name,
and its new claim to fame?
it is tamiflu: vital today.
"
"mid-battle, an order: ""dispand!""
what he meant was: ""spread out and expand.""
but the troops all misheard
this now-obsolete word,
and went home to their own native land.
"
"a painter of art, quite the nerd,
loved to use the odd obsolete word.
so ""to paint"" was depaint.
and then, even more quaint,
he would spell it depeinct. how absurd.
"
"consequentialist: that's what i'll be.
no rigid decrees shackle me.
so if good comes of action,
ignore the infraction.
my maxim: i think and live free.
"
"i take company minutes each week,
and i use the established technique
of the previous clerk,
so continue her work.
continuator's my role, so to speak.
"
"see that amazonomachy. my!
an enormous stone frieze. who and why?
seems those greeks and large ladies
did battle like hades.
a male-female tiff gone awry.
"
"it sounds like it could be a plot
to convince you to sign on the dot.
see? it's buzzword-compliant
and jargon reliant.
watch out man, this could be worth squat.
"
"for this sailboat, in place of a keel
i've a daggerboard, one that i feel
is the sportiest choice.
as i sail i rejoice
in more speed: and that splashy appeal.
"
"i am here on a bird-dogging quest:
a politico's number one pest.
i'll specifically ask
things that tend to unmask
flagrant spin and deceit. i'm the best.
"
"doctor nicholas culpeper tried,
against odds, to research and provide
many natural cures.
his example endures,
and his herbal will ever abide.
"
"in the hall there was laughter and din
as the act sang of poor mickey finn.
after each naughty verse
(each progressively worse),
all the crowd, for the burden, joined in.
"
"when i'm hungry, and eat at the pub,
don't serve dainty; i need lots of grub.
serve me meat: pepperoni.
no, bring me baloney ?
in fact, i will take the whole chub.
"
"andropov was known as repressive
in the ussr, and excessive
in pursuing his aims.
yet we hear certain claims:
his objective was far from regressive.
"
"our landlord had dropped out of sight;
he'd defaulted. the sheriff said, ""right,
you must vacate these rooms
'cause a repo now looms.""
we were blindsided: no chance to fight.
"
"the ship's speed showed a sudden decline.
""increase revs, watch the helm! we'll be fine.""
it's a dead water zone,
in this fjord, well known:
static fresh water over the brine.
"
"light the barbeque, time for a treat;
the rotisserie's ready for meat.
use the broach (that's the spit),
and the duck's a good fit.
get it turning, and crank up the heat.
"
"you did what? well, i think you've been had.
bought a weed for the garden? you're mad.
oh, brook thistle, red bloom?
that's unique, i assume;
it sounds radical ? could start a fad.
"
"in the fort we approached the barbette.
not a sound, nothing stirred there, and yet
we knew well they were there
with a plan to ensnare:
the defences were bristling with threat.
"
"i hear, as they take off my fetters,
my master's some great man of letters.
now he rides by this site
and looks down from a height ?
to ensure i look up to my betters.
"
"the weather was breezy and bracing,
quite brisk, as i started retracing
my way down the cliff
to recover the skiff
before dark. i could feel my pulse racing.
"
"california privet? hey man,
this here plant really comes from japan.
my one serves as a hedge
round the property's edge.
stinky flowers? you grow what you can.
"
"reducing those ""getting lost"" stresses,
concession roads cut out the guesses.
if you, heaven forbid,
lose your way, use this grid;
it will help as you look for addresses.
"
"in our cell, his physique was impressive,
and i feared he'd be fierce and aggressive,
so, quick to accede,
i accepted the need
to be sensible; tough, but concessive.
"
"i start in the senate today.
in a way, it's a cause for dismay,
'cause my old job paid more
and i really deplore
catastrophic reductions in pay.
"
"there's a word (but it's obsolete), clumse,
meaning ""something that stiffens and numbs.""
therefore, clumsy defines
someone flubbing their lines,
or a person all fingers and thumbs.
"
"i would like to convey my chalet
to my nephew who's drifted astray.
if he pulls up his socks
in this school of hard knocks,
then it's his. (but watch out for foul play.)
"
"i darted a look, to convey
to a loud-mouth, ""enough! please don't say
any more?you will shatter
their dreams; doesn't matter
you think there's no magical sleigh.""
"
"this butterfly carving, to scale,
is quite sturdy although it looks frail.
while this tiny conceit
is an eye-candy treat,
it's a keeper, and not made for sale.
"
"he left town: you could say he went far,
'cause he came back a  winner, a star.
now that boy who made good
has returned to the 'hood
to consort with old friends in the bar.
"
"""this bureaucracy has to be pared,""
said the boss, ""with no hierarchy spared.
no more duplicate stores
with their branch-office wars;
we'll consolidate!"" man, are we scared.
"
"i'm a coiner, just guess what i do.
not an inkling? you haven't a clue?
i make coins, that's my trade;
and each month i get paid
with a sackful of coinage, brand new.
"
"the collect is one way we pray;
it is brief, yet has formal array.
prithee, still you're perplexed?
well, it follows a text
that will vary, forsooth, with the day.
"
"we needed the horse to graze free,
while remaining close by. what's the key?
we'd attach a stout clog
(like a short heavy log)
to one leg of the ""free detainee.""
"
"boil water, add oatmeal (one cup).
stir it well, and it's ready to sup
once it clogs nice and thickly.
now wash the pot quickly,
or soak it before you clean up.
"
"there's a fine new creation, i've heard,
that will give us a bright ""printed word,""
so that those who are keen
may read books on a screen.
as for me, ink on paper's preferred.
"
"karl marx was convinced persecution
would end with a world revolution.
his communist notions
stirred other's emotions:
a catalyst, his contribution.
"
"it was crudely and awkwardly made,
roughly stitched with the edges all frayed:
just a comfy old quilt,
but quite clumsily built
from worn clothing, utility grade.
"
"are your stock holdings all in good shape?
there's an axiom: ""don't fight the tape.""
so, whatever the trend,
watch the market ascend
or decline; and leap in, or escape.
"
"to ""buy on the rumor"" sounds wise,
then you ""sell on the news,"" fall or rise.
this financial position
requires intuition,
(and could bring a nasty surprise).
"
"it's a bike box, just white lines on black
on the tarmac, to keep the cars back
fifteen feet. it's a place
marked as bicyclists' space.
when the light changes green, back on track.
"
"while it's relished by livestock as feed,
this leguminous crop will set seed;
so this buffalo-clover
can end up a rover,
escaping to live as a weed.
"
"what's the meaning of life? here's the key.
get to basics, and you will agree,
that whatever takes place
here at home, or in space,
it's ""the movement of stuff, a to b.""
"
"if a cabbage head's floppy and loose,
then, for me, it's of minimal use.
i would much rather shred
any tight, compact head,
than one open, and limply diffuse.
"
"i'm a linesman, up poles all the time.
i use climbers; my moves are sublime:
with a spike on each boot
i race up ? it's a hoot!
there are squirrels in awe of my climb.
"
"at the baseball game, hear the crowd shout:
""here comes casey, he'll give it a clout
that will send the ball flying?
on him we're relying.""
too bad, mighty casey struck out.
"
"concentration and focus, no doubt,
is what archery skill is about.
draw, and squint down the sight;
let the arrow take flight.
see it arc to the target: the clout.
"
"his first bout, and his ear took a clout.
on the ropes, was he now passing out?
i could hear the guy wheeze
as he fell to his knees,
""i'm not down, ref, i'm merely devout.""
"
"what with lipstick and rouge, and such stuff,
my sweet honey looks comely enough;
but with smudges and wear,
she dabs makeup repair
from her compact, with powder and puff.
"
"robert borden opposed, with ferocity,
canada-states reciprocity.
he assailed that connection
and won the election
with artfulness, zeal and velocity.
"
"evolution is seen in the lines
of the sediment. here it defines,
in conformable strata,
a clear set of data;
for those who interpret the signs.
"
"while an artichoke stuffed may be nice,
to prepare it you'll need a device
to help scoop out the choke,
and the task may provoke
a real need for a tool that's precise.
"
"chernenko, the soviet chief,
soon reverted to brezhnev-style grief.
meanwhile, ""gorby"" filled in,
waiting ? soon he would win,
for the reign of this boss would be brief.
"
"jack sprat and his wife, no surprise,
present us a contrast in size.
his build is quite frail;
hers, a much larger scale.
she eats burgers. and jack? fat-free fries.
"
"choreographer agnes de mille
was determined her goal to fulfill:
first as dancer, then writer
and speaker; her brighter
notations for dance thrill us still.
"
"heed the burden of what the man said:
that traditional tv is dead.
did his pitch mean to say
that we'll soon find a way
to watch soaps on a wristwatch instead?
"
"fifteen years, and today i got fired.
cheaper labour? yes, that's what they hired.
and so now i'll compete
in a shop down the street.
my buoyancy must be admired.
"
"better taste and less fat in ground meat?
use a pan and try browning ? high heat.
when it's seared it will shrink.
once it's brown (no more pink),
use less heat till the cooking's complete.
"
"she sought jewellery in a boutique:
found a choker with flair and mystique.
it would serve to bedeck
granny's scrawny, old neck.
but the price? ouch! it must be antique.
"
"how dedecorous, how unbecoming:
aunt mirabelle's loud finger-drumming
disturbed the narration
with pew-seat vibration.
or was that her flatulent plumbing?
"
"in israel he garnered much praise
as his troops set the desert ablaze.
sure, his gaze was awry
with his patch-covered eye,
but it still only took him six days.
"
"need conformable batteries? surely.
they'll mesh with the product securely.
but the work's on your dime,
and design will take time;
i'd advise not to launch prematurely.
"
"""tell me, when will this bear market end?
bear in mind, if you will,  today's trend.""
""well, at least two more years;
that's the way it appears ?
a conservative guess, i contend.""
"
"down deep in the gulf it was drilled.
the well blew, and black oil was spilled.
we will not soon forget
the consequent threat
to our wildlife; or those who were killed.
"
"the classes presented frustration;
i grappled with instant creation.
if i didn't concur
i'd have caused quite a stir
and missed out on my church confirmation.
"
"on all fours is the bird-dog position
used by those with a spinal condition;
starts a fitness routine
you'll maintain, if you're keen.
take instruction, is my admonition.
"
"as we battle the fascists in spain,
it adumbrates a greater campaign.
might a second great war
scar the world even more?
it could happen again. how insane.
"
"cousin clem spent his life on the farm.
but then toastmasters did him some harm:
he acquired affectation
in speech ? his oration
was pompous, and caused us alarm.
"
"it is seen on your skin with a chill,
with a scare, or perhaps with a thrill.
anserina means ""goose,""
cutis, ""skin."" you'll deduce
what i mean with one guess if you will.
"
"starting dope was a major mistake;
such a habit ain't easy to break.
if i've learned just one fact,
it's a breeze to contract,
but a major commitment to shake.
"
"sue was shocked when advised of the news:
all she had she could easily lose.
to collect her composure
(now facing foreclosure),
she reached for a bottle of booze.
"
"a leak in the roof was his dread,
and clay tile didn't last, so he'd read.
ergo, moved to distraction,
his drastic reaction?
he trashed it, and thatched it instead.
"
"every circumvolution we made
round the field, we would pass by some shade.
there the mare stopped to graze
and no prodding would faze
her?she's learned from my wife, i'm afraid.
"
"when you use a dichotomous key,
which is truer, line ""a"" or line ""b""?
then, whichever you choose,
take that tack, and peruse
every clue to the end. you're home free!
"
"oily fish in the northern pacific,
genus clupea, small and prolific:
they're forage-food herring
that spawn in the bering.
their value in commerce? terrific.
"
"my brother-in-law manufactures
some stuff that repairs dental fractures
in work that's prosthetic
or purely cosmetic.
he now guarantees strong compactures.
"
"by supporting the statecraft of fear,
bulganin advanced his career.
but, misreading the drift,
he neglected to shift
after stalin was laid on his bier.
"
"i am flying the bird-dog position,
surveying the brush fire's condition.
all my facts must be right
for the bomber's first flight.
i'll report any further ignition.
"
"i'm a farmer; one term is bucolic ?
a lifestyle some say is symbolic
of rustic perfection.
but my introspection?
this calling is not fun and frolic.
"
"klondike gold calls me north. what travail,
as i search for my own holy grail.
now i backpack my gear
in this brutal frontier
up the chilkoot ? that infamous trail.
"
"the archbishop, his grace,  bowed his head.
""with this sleeve these two pipes i do wed.""
with the collar in place
as a joint and a brace,
said, ""i might take up plumbing instead.""
"
"city walls were designed from the start
with an eye to defence as an art.
thus the guards at each tower
had full arrow-power:
they stood just two bowshots apart.
"
"what's a brake van, you ask? goodness' sakes,
it's the guard's van, the one that has brakes
at the end of a train:
and on downhill terrain
it holds back, as it shimmies and shakes.
"
"a small hole in the wall by the loo
has been drilled where the plumbing comes through.
round the pipe is a gap
over which there's a cap,
called a collar, to screen it from view.
"
"you feel choked on account that i smoked?
you got mad? take a hike! man, i'm stoked.
don't you point to the sign!
i'm a stinky old swine?
well, the smoking ban's hereby revoked!
"
"i'm conservative, small ""c"" of course.
i adapt to advancements, perforce;
but, if i had my way,
i'd return to the day
when commuting was done on a horse.
"
"i agree, as we stand here in line;
you say, ""mankind is now in decline,
with these patdowns, abusive,
or scans too intrusive.""
views consonant, madam, with mine.
"
"carausius, roman and thief,
had ambition, proclaimed himself chief
of a separatist britain.
ere long he was smitten;
his empire was famous, but brief.
"
"discoherence? you're just being teased
when the plot goes off track. you're not pleased.
but when all is revealed,
and the villain's fate's sealed,
you rejoice just a tad. you're appeased.
"
"the bow compass? a bit out of date:
for construction instruction, it's great.
now most drafting, we find,
is computer designed;
thus describing the compass's fate.
"
"dichlamydeous?  while i'm entranced
by these floral parts, nicely enhanced,
""calyx ringing corolla""
denotes, on the whole, a
plant rated by some ""less advanced.""
"
"for the british, britannic's a word
they may see, but it's not often heard.
but with majesty paired,
it's on stationery aired
as a royal term sometimes preferred.
"
"culiciform: shaped like a gnat.
does that indicate slender or fat?
is it curvy or straight?
this description's not great;
i can't see things as tiny as that.
"
"after criminal action at night,
comes a curfew, imposed, wrong or right.
now the city goes still
'neath this law-enforced chill.
life resumes with the dawn's early light.
"
"the white-flowered wall-rocket grows
as an annual. i can disclose
that its mustard-like taste
is why sometimes it's placed
in green salads (for bite, i suppose).
"
"what ship, you might ask, means you're sharing
your time and concern, without sparing,
for a person (or thing)
taken under your wing?
that's custodianship. you are caring.
"
"she's a brig, has two masts and square sails,
great for cargo, or hunting for whales.
while it takes expertise
sailing into a breeze,
the skill of the captain prevails.
"
"when in college, it feels like a club
as you frequent the common, the hub.
and at meal times you enter
this gathering centre
for grub. sorry, chum, there's no pub.
"
"for a slender octagonal spire
on a roof that is square, we require
one broach triangle, set
on each corner, to get
the eight sides that we greatly admire.
"
"this building is past restoration,
condemned for extreme degradation.
that main bearing wall
could soon crumble and fall.
this is no longer safe habitation.
"
"ah, those swift glacial waters; refresh?
i'd step in, but i'm terribly nesh.
while the prospect is thrilling,
the body's not willing,
i'm carnate, embodied in flesh.
"
"he was chief of his indian nation,
and noted for compact narration.
""you came, took our land,
so now please understand,
all you white guys must pay compensation.""
"
"the other team piled on the threat;
i would pass to our goalie, no sweat.
but i kicked with a sloppy hook,
blotting my copybook,
landing the ball in our net.
"
"a splashy production he'd mount,
and the story of sewers recount:
he would do it in style.
could be well worth his while
if he turned that wet dream to account.
"
"all the shingles are good; no dispute.
yet the leaking persists; you're astute
so you check out the vent,
which is time wisely spent:
all you need is a new rubber boot.
"
"contracted words often change meaning.
an apostrophe helps, intervening,
so shell becomes she'll,
just as hell becomes he'll.
it's then perfectly clear at first screening.
"
"""heads up at eleven o'clock!
there's a bogey out there taking stock.""
with no time to defer it,
jock swivelled the turret,
then aimed and delivered a shock.
"
"it was turkey; he took a hard lump,
and bit down with an audible crump.
since he had but two teeth
(one on top, one beneath),
the one mouthful took ages to chump.
"
"those ads for ""hired hand"" i'll peruse,
or some clues i may use from the news.
while this canvassing probe
takes the patience of job,
it could save me some wear on my shoes.
"
"this choke-collar trainer's ideal
for a pup. hey! i know how you feel!
but when pulled on just right
(jerk/release), he's contrite,
coming quickly in line, and to heel.
"
"times were hard, there was no cash for gas:
stripped the car of its motor and glass,
had it towed by a horse.
it was slow, so of course
bennett buggies were easy to pass.
"
"we americans think it insane
that in britain a cornfield grows grain.
in that field you should raise
cobs of corn, that is, maize ?
but we're wasting our breath to explain.
"
"clapham junction's where people prefer
to transfer, be it mainline or spur.
watch your step, read the signs,
bridge those crisscrossing lines ?
a concurrence of tracks, you'll concur.
"
"i'm a butcher, and misunderstood:
when i'm chopping away on the wood
of my block?that's the chump?
then i'm less of a grump;
cutting meat makes me feel jolly good.
"
"the mad cannibal ran to the church,
where he hung from a dangerous perch.
then he yelled from the steeple,
""i'm fed up with people,
and white-meat and dark-meat research!""
"
"said one swollen bovine, ""you guessed it:
i'm inflated from something ingested.
i think what i ate
(and they didn't taste great)
were those jewellery beetles ? buprestid.""
"
"the invention of steam engine force
caused climacteric shiftings of course;
thus, with steam locomotion
came this oddball notion:
in time, we'd see less of the horse.
"
"some want waves in their hair, to look neat.
used to be that a perm needed heat;
then along came the cold wave,
a cool and controlled wave?
with chemicals fully replete.
"
"i deserted her down in brazil,
but i hope that she bears me no ill.
i'm so glad you were wed,
and have good years ahead?
and commend me to her, if you will.
"
"in the store of antiques was a breastpin;
very nice, not a blah second-best pin,
just the thing for a dame:
but whatever became
of the manly and masculine chest-pin?
"
"he was canada's pm, ""the chief,""
a tory, in brief known as dief.
he heard crying out loud
from his aerospace crowd
when the arrow was scrapped: major grief.
"
"with a sudden release of resistance,
the pod shoots its seed a great distance.
touch-me-not is a weed
that is bound to succeed:
good dispersal assures its existence.
"
"as it's launched off the side of your ship,
the tender (small boat) must not slip.
therefore davits (the cranes),
using hooks, ropes or chains,
float it carefully. have a good trip.
"
"in my window folks glanced, seeing through;
and the problem? that room was my loo.
now i've churchly stained glass,
so that all those who pass
might see someone, but cannot tell who.
"
"are behavioral ads that intrusive?
they target whatever's conducive
to making the sales
based on personal trails.
too invasive? well, that's inconclusive.
"
"this defile (that's a steep-sided valley)
poses danger, so don't dilly-dally.
one should never forget,
when it's wet, there's a threat
that a landslide could spell your finale.
"
"sorting fruit all day long: more than dull.
i select based on size, and i cull
all the blemished and bruised
till i'm stressed and bemused.
""keep or toss"" sends me out of my skull.
"
"with declension, for me, no more church:
i am sorry you're left in the lurch.
no, i don't want to quarrel;
i'm still highly moral.
it's just that i've done my research.
"
"on a rail truck, two wheels front and back
work okay; but there's something they lack.
try four wheels on a chassis
each end; it's more classy ?
this bogie's much smoother on track.
"
"i will serve as your ""valet"" today;
i'll adjust this fine hempen array.
now just stand on this hatch.
what? you think there's a catch?
oh, how much did you say that you weigh?
"
"in the boarding house, victuals were poor:
short commons that all would deplore.
i could only conclude
that the horrible food
was to keep us from asking for more.
"
"clearly, cleft to the midrib, or base,
if described out of context and place,
could denote something bloody.
here, plants are the study;
divided is not a disgrace.
"
"the old colonel talks up a good show,
but the ""g"" in the ""ing"" he'll forgo,
as in huntin' and fishin'
and fightin' and wishin'.
a speech affectation, y'know.
"
"it  will not shoot stone walls to the sky;
as a wall rocket plant it will try
out a perch on the rocks,
with its roots between blocks,
and survey its domain high and dry.
"
"a sharp toe to my ribs; i awoke.
""lazy lout! grab thy shovel and stoke!""
my boiler room snooze
had now earned me a bruise.
in a trice i was shovelling coke.
"
"whenever a plant part extends
to elongate acuminate ends,
then i have to affirm
that it's caudate, a term
that this botanist now recommends.
"
"a capsule matures fully dry,
and then sheds all its seedy supply
through a split or through pores
to the ready outdoors:
some kinds scatter nearby; others fly.
"
"dancing columbine: all tried to woo her;
ardent harlequin, masked, would pursue her.
in her apron and cap,
she avoided each trap.
""mostly horseplay,"" observed the reviewer.
"
"bulbs belong in the soil, i recall;
and yet here on a stem? sure they're small,
but these bulblets all grow
where it's not apropos.
i'm surprised they develop at all.
"
"this canadian ribbon of steel,
which meets the pacific, took zeal.
cpr?coast to coast!
raise your glass, here's a toast
to the railway that sealed a new deal.
"
"i'm the sun-catching part of a leaf,
not the stalk nor the stipule; in brief,
i am simply the blade.
you may see me portrayed
in this stately heraldic motif.
"
"the pen gate was closed, but to lock it
i slid the strong bolt in the socket.
with horse common sense,
the spry colt jumped the fence
and was off down the road like a rocket.
"
"when life in the city turns sour,
i retreat to my riverside bower.
my shack's a retreat
from the smog and the heat;
and by cessna i'm there in an hour.
"
"get the cultural elements right,
and your plants will respond overnight.
study gardens, be smart;
work with science and art.
(i do hope my advice won't seem trite.)
"
"take a look at a lens of your specs;
see the shape is concavo-convex.
that's the only sound way
to make glasses today.
other methods would blur and perplex.
"
"i'm buchanan, the chief of my clan;
i wear gucci and cruise with elan.
i am portly and shrewd;
i'm a jet-setter dude
of some consequence. call me ""the man.""
"
"""imperfections are normal,"" no shame,
as, from staffordshire, england, they came.
be it breakfast or supper,
it makes the best cuppa:
brown betty, the teapot of fame.
"
"when defining adpressed i'm hard-pressed:
said of foliage, may i suggest
that you think ""leaves of heather
when snuggled together"" ?
that's the same as appressed. who'da guessed?
"
"in a welfare attempt gone awry,
the poor dionnes just had to comply.
the quintuplets all grew
for nine years in a ""zoo.""
far too late the concerned hue and cry.
"
"cnr takes a route that combines
railroad companies' various lines.
it links canada's north,
moving freight back and forth ?
and, on passenger trains, some good wines.
"
"i consume a lot, yes, and i know it.
i tire of an item, and throw it;
yet i still need more stuff
'cause there's never enough.
i'm consumptive, i know. do i show it?
"
"at the curfew (old french: ""cover fire""),
""lights out"" was once called by the crier.
now it's used to restrict;
wise to not contradict,
but stay home as the law may require.
"
"both the hands and the face were intact,
though the cricket ball mightily whacked
my left wrist. then i found,
while the case remained sound,
that the crystal was certainly cracked.
"
"it's an annual, new-every-year weed;
a non-stinging nettle, a queer weed.
it has nothing to hide?
we can see clear inside.
understandably, then, it's called clearweed.
"
"cut mixed fruit, boil in water that's sweet;
add some spice (just enough, be discreet).
when your compote is tender,
mouth-watering splendor
is yours. topped with cream, it's a treat.
"
"westward ho! and it's new land for all.
take the oregon trail, heed the call.
try the barlow road route
by mount hood. no dispute
it's a harrowing hundred-mile haul.
"
"the cowl of an old fashioned oast
is the feature i'm missing the most.
almost nobody sees
hoods that turn with the breeze,
now a thing of the past ? just a ghost.
"
"john george haigh, using acid, in time
could reduce all his victims to slime.
thus, he sought a solution
with no retribution:
chemolysis covered the crime.
"
"i am glued to the price of brent crude,
and today you'll conclude i'm subdued.
i've invested in oil
and it's off. that will spoil
my whole day. as it tracks, goes my mood.
"
"""common scab is a soil-borne disease,""
said the farmer, with some expertise.
""it makes warts on the skin
of the spud ? none within.
i'll admit, it's a sight to displease.""
"
"a caveman put paint on his wall,
drawing outlines to help him recall
the day's hunt, and his prey.
who would know that, one day,
curiological marks would enthrall.
"
"i am checking for crown rot infection
on wheat stems. initial inspection
shows symptoms of brown
at the base ? that's the crown.
i'm dismayed; it's too late for protection.
"
"my neighbor's just planted a spruce,
with branches wide-spreading, diffuse,
that will damage my fence
and thus cause much expense.
i have pruners; now watch me let loose.
"
"combretum: a shrub, tree or vine.
some have toothbrush-like blossoms (like mine),
and chameleon flowers.
the climbers, in bowers,
excel as they twist and entwine.
"
"with a power bill too high to pay,
i had set up my solar array;
but an obvious snag
was the blanket of clag
hanging overcast, misty and gray.
"
"thickened modified leaves may be found
on a number of plants, underground.
so then, what are bulbs for?
they're a natural store:
packaged food for the shoots they surround.
"
"a convergent device may include
many functions in hand, yet intrude.
so beware: this consertion
may cause an aversion
in others ? some folk can be rude.
"
"it's a gulch between hills, and is truly
a prairie ravine, a wild coulee.
the land quickly drains
the occasional rains,
leaving xerophytes rough and unruly.
"
"be it bottled, or frozen or canned,
when i shop i don't grab what's at hand:
while ""brand x"" may excel
with its price, taste or smell,
i stay loyal, and buy by the brand.
"
"see a plantsman check flower and shoot
for fine details, exquisite, minute;
with the text he compares?
has it tree-like branched hairs?
yes, dendritic; that helps the pursuit.
"
"for my floor i'll use spruce planks, or pine;
once they're sanded and stained they'll look fine.
these are boards known as deal,
with a rustic appeal.
(i will varnish to seal and add shine.)
"
"he shouted ""i'll not be a slave!""
it's the tale of an indian brave
who, in one act abhorrent,
leaped into the torrent ?
consigned to a watery grave.
"
"her statement is quite in accord
and consists with the evidence stored.
both the x-rays reveal
that her meal was of steel;
yes indeed, she did swallow the sword.
"
"when a government dares thumb its nose
at its parliament, arrogance shows.
soon they're found in contempt,
'cause no party's exempt
from the law. is it time to depose?
"
"the pod, whether pulse crop or weed,
needs some dryness to rupture with speed.
then it splits open wide
to discharge what's inside:
this dehiscence will scatter the seed.
"
"common courtesy's offering your seat
on the bus; you should get to your feet
for the ag?d and lame.
do not look for acclaim,
but be gracious, and gently discreet.
"
"i'm a minimalist ? so they say;
a conservative way, i display.
i resole and reuse,
thus recycle my shoes.
spend on needless possessions? no way!
"
"""to identify fish, i lack skill;
so please tell which is brill, if you will.""
""while both flatfish look grumpy,
the turbot is lumpy ?
the smooth one with scales is the brill.""
"
"a consumer price index is needed:
new data will need to be heeded.
take a basket of stuff:
are the changes enough
to record, with the old superseded?
"
"seems to me that it's perfectly clear
that your compliment's more of a smear,
when you smirk and you say,
as you eye my crochet,
""you're deceptively talented, dear.""
"
"dichotomous branching, we learn,
is recurrent in moss and in fern.
every fork will comprise
shoots of similar size,
and with each one dividing in turn.
"
"those columbidae coo-cooing sounds,
background music through cities and towns,
are from pigeon or dove.
they will perch high above?
aiming splats as i'm making my rounds.
"
"""the old rudder's outdated, dear feller,""
said the nautical power-plant seller.
""this swivels right 'round,
and its force will astound.
try this azimuth thruster; it's stellar.""
"
"virgin mary, her life on earth ended,
three days in her grave had attended.
she arose from death's bed
in dormition, it's said,
and, in glory, to heaven ascended.
"
"way down south, by the old mission hall,
chimonanthus grows close to the wall;
winter stems sprout no green,
but the blossoms, serene,
waft a perfume to captivate all.
"
"the colombo plan aimed to advance
southeast asia with plans and finance.
with some technical aid
and bilateral trade
there'd be social improvement, perchance.
"
"we're the family of sheep and of gnu,
hefty oxen, spry antelope too.
bo-vih-day, -dye or -dee?
we can never agree
how to say it. we'll leave that to you.
"
"it's a curious fact worth the telling:
this ominous turreted dwelling
will clearly fall short
as a first-class resort ?
yet the goth look is strangely compelling.
"
"just confused? as they zig and they zag
through the flour that escapes from the bag,
these small beetles proceed
to meander and feed?
leaving frass in my food. what a drag!
"
"in the hot tub, what product to use
to sanitize? two different views.
given chlorine's strong smell,
making that a hard sell,
i think bromine is what i should choose.
"
"cut wood surfaces tend to repair
damaged tissue, so first be aware
that a growth, rather slight,
forms a callus that's white;
then come roots, if conditions are fair.
"
"ford is launching a new car today
with promotions that feature ballet.
boosting business with art,
we make theatre the start
of strong sales. you'll enjoy the display.
"
"the members don't want me too close.
if i'd bathe, and my manners weren't gross,
i'd be clubbable and
mix with people more grand.
i can't change, so i'm bloody morose.
"
"my clog almanac's not something new,
but it helps me keep track and review
(with the help of each nick
on the edge of the stick)
what's to do, and what then will ensue.
"
"the width of a finger's the guide
to the size of a digit. decide
on which finger to use.
you're unable to choose?
take the one not too narrow or wide.
"
"as an infant, i tell you, life sucks.
don't like hockey, the sticks or the pucks.
i'm a crawler and sleeper
and dressed in a creeper;
the logo says anaheim ducks.
"
"a chimney should have a good flue,
many chimneys have two (or a few).
and on top of the stack,
so the smoke won't blow back,
fit a cowl where the updraft draws through.
"
"clouds of clag fill the air from the train.
hold your breath, move away. i maintain
that this foul carbon smoke
is no longer a joke.
this is diesel, not steam ? let's complain.
"
"'neath the ice, shallow water recedes;
but the hiker this white crust misreads.
breaking through, feet get wet.
that's unfortunate, yet
it is cat-ice a wise hiker heeds.
"
"""i've a pillar here, where shall i stick it?""
""well, assuming the base ain't too thick, it
should rest in this chime.
lower away, take your time.
there you go?perfect fit. just the ticket.""
"
"some plants point their blooms to the ground;
in my garden they richly abound.
such a cernuous stance
doesn't happen by chance:
saves the bee, hard at work, getting drowned.
"
"there are ""bad"" carbohydrates, and ""good.""
new potatoes, it's now understood,
have safe amylose flow
for digestion that's slow.
i'd eat new spuds all year, if i could.
"
"they are cheques that you find at the bank,
at the counter in fact, and they're blank.
they're supplied with goodwill
and might well fill the bill.
(oh, that's ""checks"" if you spell like a yank.)
"
"this potato chip bag's in good taste,
with compostable methods embraced;
for the packet's new makeup
ensures it will break up,
with no long-residual waste.
"
"anemochory, briefly, in verse,
simply means how some plant seeds disperse:
by the breezes they're blown,
and alighting, are sown.
and that's it. (unavoidably terse.)
"
"the arrow was sleek, super-fast;
avro knew that their plane was a blast.
but expenses were soaring;
'twas no good imploring.
""destroy!"" left the workers aghast.
"
"i would like to commute this annuity;
one payment sir, no ambiguity.
these small monthly payments
may suit certain claimants;
not me. please  proceed with congruity.
"
"rooms connect through a passage? walk through.
they communicate; that's what they do.
but assume there's a sentry,
and signs of ""no entry"" ?
stop now; that approach is taboo.
"
"faithful annie's a twin-engine plane,
slow and noisy, and cold. just a pain?
no. i'm not a complainer,
the anson's a trainer ?
a good sturdy crate, in the main.
"
"i  condemn your bad habit; you smoke
in your car with the kids. i invoke
the new law to restrict
those who choose to inflict
their bad habit on innocent folk.
"
"at first just a fanciful dream,
it then crystallized into a scheme.
from naught but a notion
to planned locomotion:
an engine for harnessing steam.
"
"this demountable building, on site,
is convenient, functional,  bright.
once this job is complete,
'twill be hauled down the street
to be set up anew, overnight.
"
"saddam, as iraq's head of state
chose to move on the state of kuwait.
a corollary fact:
he was quickly attacked,
which produced a protracted debate.
"
"rip van winkle, who lacked all ambition,
supped a keg. in recumbent position,
he slept twenty years
and lost touch with his peers?
one result of this famous dormition.
"
"not quite calyx, but small imitation,
calyculus (found in carnation)
sits there like a spare.
so, does anyone care?
yes, the plantsman in keen observation.
"
"sunken panels, not hard to install,
render class to a ceiling or wall.
this fine coffered appearance
is done with adherence ?
you add on some strips, that is all.
"
"these convergent devices save space;
many gadgets crammed into one place.
now it's all on my phone,
so i live ""in the zone,""
and my life's not my own. what a pace.
"
"this butter is not spread on bread;
it is rubbed on the body instead.
is it better than lotion?
i haven't a notion.
it could be, but don't be misled.
"
"the catholic church's consistory
is a term that's evolved down through history.
it's a meeting retreat,
both elite and discrete,
involving some vatican mystery.
"
"are you trying to work this old churn?
there is not very much here to learn.
grasp the dasher, the stick;
up and down ? that's the trick ?
till the cream turns to butter. adjourn.
"
"while bill aberhart promised he'd care
and find welfare for all from thin air,
his design of ""free money""
was censured as ""funny""?
the court said ""oh no, don't you dare!""
"
"here's the jack pine; its interesting story
is based on the cone's bradychory.
it lies dormant for years
until fire comes and sears:
the scales open, and seeds sprout to glory.
"
"stemless plants (acaulescent) abound;
it's a feature you might think unsound.
but don't rush to condemn
the low plant with no stem;
it feels much more secure on the ground.
"
"a periscope glimpsed, way out there:
a pulsing alarm starts to blare;
will our ship come about?
then a thud, and a shout,
and concussion ? a blast ?  of scorched air.
"
"some say humans and dinosaurs met.
those two life forms coeval; you bet.
but let's not be mendacious ?
were cavemen cretaceous?
fred flintstone with dino? err. . . nyet!
"
"a bisexual blooms with its pieces,
both female and male. that increases
the chance for some seed
to succeed,  and indeed,
see some viable seedy releases.
"
"when formica ant pupae are taken
by amazon ants, they awaken
as unwilling guests
in the parasite's nests.
they must slave then to bring home the bacon.
"
"girly boots, with an extra-thick sole
(called a clump), may be thought of as droll.
but when worn with a frock
for the contrasting shock,
i am noticed. well duh! ? that's my goal.
"
"i'm loquacious, i wear a sweet smile,
a copious verbiage, my style.
my notions prolific,
though not scientific,
are sure to impress and beguile.
"
"the new  roof is secure and top notch
as the thatcher inserts one more brotch.
with that strong wooden pin
the last yealm is pegged in.
rarely seen, this is something to watch.
"
"i'm a geek, and a bit of an elf;
i prefer to just keep to myself.
all the clubbable folk
write me off as a joke,
and they say i'll be left on the shelf.
"
"the bacteria come, it's agreed,
in potatoes employed as the ""seed.""
a confirmed diagnosis
of blackleg necrosis
means crop failure looming. take heed.
"
"many plants do not scatter with ease,
whether annuals, climbers or trees.
allochory involves
seed dispersal, and solves
this with water, or critters or breeze.
"
"a cosmopolite entity's found
north and south, east and west, underground,
in the air, here and there:
showing clearly, foursquare,
it can never be zonally bound.
"
"""hang tough,"" said the doc. ""i'm adjusting
your meds."" now i'm nervous, but trusting
the dose-filled cachet
he prescribed me today
hides a potion that's not too disgusting.
"
"there's but one way you'd ever entice
me to spend a day working on ice.
there is nothing that beats
wearing boots with good cleats:
clamped-on creepers?a clever device.
"
"a corf, full of coal, sees the light
as it's hauled up the shaft the full height.
yet my time i consign
workin' down in the mine,
deep below, where it's darker than night.
"
"there's no ocean effect on locality
when inland; that's continentality.
therefore, climate extremes
are the norm. this, it seems,
may be claimed ? as a broad generality.
"
"shares in ships (bought with loans from the bank)
levelled out and then rapidly sank
on a steep downward path.
now i'm taking a bath ?
i'm washed up, thanks to tankers that tank.
"
"what's a culm? well i'll give you  a clue:
it's to do with a grass or bamboo.
just botanical talk
for a hollowed-out stalk
having joints. that you knew? good for you!
"
"every botany work i produce
is exhaustive, discursive, diffuse.
while i cover the range
(the mundane to the strange),
many readers can find me abstruse.
"
"we'd describe a big circle with string,
then each kid put a frog in the ring.
as they hopped we'd all shout,
and each name was called out.
then the champ of them all was dubbed ""king.""
"
"well considered, and  tops in his trade,
joe sold bicycles, each one hand-made.
manufactured to specs,
his forte, bmx;
in the shop he had samples displayed.
"
"a thought, an emerging conceit
came upon him. ""wow, that would be neat:
work with each english word,
(include phrases preferred),
and define all in rhyme. what a feat!""
"
"they chronicled plants, never ending,
and discovered a term for up-bending.
now, in all the best keys,
from small herbs to tall trees,
""trending up"" is described as ascending.
"
"she's the queen of the land, i'm the spouse,
so i'm consort?a man or a mouse?
it's a right royal pain
that it isn't my reign,
but i grin as i grumble and grouse.
"
"clear the brush, build a home's what i'll do:
all this  woodland i aim to subdue.
with my horse and by hand
i will prove up this land.
until then, know my comforts are few.
"
"some orchardists here are despairing:
feast or famine, the contrast is glaring.
a too-heavy crop,
then the next year a flop;
many trees are biennial bearing.
"
"once the end of the oregon trail,
the dalles was the place to curtail
the wagon trail west.
pioneers faced a test:
brave the rapids, and hope to prevail.
"
"online i was buying sorbet;
saw a blurb there for peter's parfait.
now, for once i was glad:
this contextual ad
was indeed apropos, in its way.
"
"lordy, ""drop kick me, jesus"" is prayer,
when it's sung by the great bobby bare.
with his lazy style singin'
and smooth finger-stringin',
this country song floats upon air.
"
"chicken soup for the soul, it's complete.
a life plan, sentimentally sweet.
can a master advisor
teach you to be wiser,
and make you more fit to compete?
"
"a bold knight, who had dragons to slay,
said, ""while others may run, i will stay.""
nearly cooked to a turn,
he had courage to burn.
then he doughtily rode on his way.
"
"many plants that grow close to the ground
are decumbent. but let me expound:
stems normally bend,
trending up at the end.
look around, good examples abound.
"
"this plant is not well: there's chlorosis.
it's yellow. but what diagnosis?
what caused this condition?
light, water, nutrition?
disease that could lead to necrosis?
"
"certain leaves will grow opposite, pairing
on stems, and at right angles bearing
to those next below.
see them artfully  grow
? la cross-armed: it's sunlight they're sharing.
"
"is a cloth-yard the yard that we know?
yes, it's 36 inches ? although
long ago length would vary
(this does sound contrary)
depending on archer and bow.
"
"in yon graveyard, behold, cypress spurge;
fine of leaf, gaudy bracts. fight thine urge
to convey roots back home
to reposit in loam.
take ye heed: 'tis a weed and a scourge.
"
"bacterial wilt is a pest
of potatoes; it's often expressed
as a flagging by day,
then, by night, all okay.
best confirm with a stem-section test.
"
"although not at its best on high seas,
this tough tug takes its duties with ease.
with its cycloidal drive,
shoving ships, it's alive,
and manoeuvering's always a breeze.
"
"mike tyson shows weakened defences?
he's losing command of his senses.
round ten, tyson's down,
and he loses his crown!
so the reign of james douglas commences.
"
"our dendrologous studies will yield
some important results from the field.
our precise tree statistics
should back some heuristics
about the canadian shield.
"
"look closely, there's no need for haste
when observing how leaves may be spaced.
are they opposite, or
are they alternate? for
on such detail all knowledge is based.
"
"in botanical textbooks, dentation
refers to the margin formation
of small tooth-like wedges
along leafy edges?
some double, with multi-gradation.
"
"the curriers worked dressing leather
near the tanners, all sheltered from weather.
but the tannery drench
made one helluva stench
in the curriery; too close together.
"
"it's a noteworthy insect disease,
hard at work in the innards of fleas.
but i fear, what is worse,
this crithidia curse
can attack and bring bees to their knees.
"
"quite content to indulge self effacement,
i'm about to discover displacement.
my wife and a crony
will talk rigatoni
while i read a book in the basement.
"
"deep within the small egg there are surges,
then eclosion ? that is, there emerges
a larva, set free
on the leaf of a tree,
where it feeds to fulfill basic urges.
"
"take a  look at the length of that train.
did you think that each car took the strain?
there are rods, it is clear,
that link drawgear (front-rear).
without drawrods, the train breaks in twain.
"
"from a dull rural quagmire i fled,
for a fast urban lifestyle ahead.
but i'm hit with remorse
on my cityward course,
as i'm stuck here in traffic instead.
"
"in the pupa, what magic is spun?
metamorphosis finally done,
slow eclosion releases
the adult, and creases
smooth out in the warmth of the sun.
"
"i've a hunger for any herbaceous
perennial deemed cichoraceous.
up front or with trickery,
anything chicory
lands in my crock-pot capacious.
"
"as he's cutting, the surgeon intones,
""well, at least i am not hearing groans.""
he is fully engrossed
as he carves up the roast.
""this keen catlin works well between bones.""
"
"the extension of staves past the head
of a keg has a name, so i've read.
this small lip is the chime.
ring a bell? i've no time
for more coopering detail. 'nuff said.
"
"too much fruit on the boughs; i'm not bragging.
each branch overloaded and sagging.
we have to begin
quickly picking to thin
from the limbs, or they'll break due to clagging.
"
"many dicots show strict decussation:
growth of leaves in an x-type formation,
with each opposite two
on the stem in a queue
set at right-angled branching rotation.
"
"in acadia, settlers from france
were ""made british,"" but most took a stance.
their nationhood quelled,
they rebelled; were expelled.
would they take back their land? not a chance.
"
"articulation in plants? do they speak?
well now, some of them whistle or creak;
but it's speaking of joints
at particular points
that are sometimes supposed to be weak.
"
"ecologically speaking, succession
is a gradual transferred possession.
the habitat changes,
as stuff rearranges
in logical chain-like progression.
"
"i am skirting the law, they allege.
i play funds that are long shots: i hedge.
one banana peel deal
wins it all?it's a steal!
life is large as i live on the edge.
"
"of this flower you ask me: what sort?
see, four stamens: two long and two short;
the didynamous kind.
so i now have in mind
digitalis. here ends my report.
"
"as the reaper advances to reap,
i will beg a small boon, not too steep:
if dormition is nigh,
let me pass while i'm high,
or at least let me die in my sleep.
"
"it's addictive, though not made for fun;
it's for packing, so damage is none.
but a bubble wrap sheet
is a treat hard to beat ?
hear the ""pop"" as i squeeze every one.
"
"your hammerstone strike is applied
to a core stone and, as they collide,
you get stone-blade construction
(through lithic reduction),
and debitage ? chips cast aside.
"
"see perennial wall-rocket spread
as a weed when siliques split and shed.
sure, the leaves serve as greens
in exotic cuisines;
even so, it's a cattleman's dread.
"
"what is cucullate? shaped like a hood
or a cowl. it is well understood
that the monkshoods take vows
in the church to espouse
holy orders. (they would if they could.)
"
"the prime minister surely was tested:
""those trek leaders must be arrested.""
bloody riots ensued,
and though men were subdued,
bennett's exit was shortly ""requested.""
"
"my investments are far from prudential,
yet offer great earning potential.
short positions make cash
in a stock market crash?
fervent prayer is clearly essential.
"
"what's with coneflowers? boy, i'm perplexed:
when their petals turn down, they're deflexed.
petals ought to spread wide,
up, or out to the side.
oh, okay; as described in the text.
"
"there's a circumstance many embrace,
that with pomp he established his place
as a british tradition.
as asylum musician,
sir edward established his base.
"
"it seems that, at last, i've arrived;
in the loop, i'm no longer deprived.
i'm in circles op'ratic?
both light and dramatic?
and feeling esteemed and revived.
"
"my embedment in military force
as a journalist, here at the source,
is too much of a thrill.
my troop's in for the kill,
and i'm feeling a twinge of remorse.
"
"think plant cultivation: address
any problems related to stress;
ascertain a plant's needs
from the sowing of seeds
to maturity. that spells success.
"
"i'm a coach horn; at first i was straight?
too awkward. but coiled i was great.
now, in musical works
i get too many  smirks.
without valves i've a limited fate.
"
"growing veggies? so, how many days
will it take for the full growing phase?
how much time will be tickin'
'tween seedin' and pickin'?
try early kinds?often it pays.
"
"in the snapdragon bloom there abides
a fierce creature; you pinch on the sides
and two lips move apart.
no, it isn't black art
this bilabiate blossom provides.
"
"all these filaments show coalition
in a paired?diadelphous?position.
this botanical scheme
is a botanist's dream:
""it's a sweet pea,"" observes the technician.
"
"adjusting antenna direction
for satellite station selection
is truly a snap:
i've a dish-pointer app?
directivity gives me detection.
"
"on the ladder of life, what's your fate?
is existence the pits or top rate?
the comparison test
will always work best
looking downward. that way you'll feel great.
"
"divaricate branches diverge,
as do leaves of tomato or spurge.
neither angled on down
nor bent up to the crown,
they grow outward the day they emerge.
"
"we will scurry, when things get too tense,
to the opposite side of the fence.
we lizards (at least
those of us from back east)
are convinced that this makes perfect sense.
"
"says my broker, ignoring my plight
as the stock market sinks out of sight:
""so what's your objection?
it's just a correction;
buy low."" i've no cash, or i might.
"
"you've a back-puffing hearth? then beware!
an obstruction's a nasty affair.
but a chimney-pot cowl
bars both nesting of fowl,
and those downdrafts, with gusts of foul air.
"
"no, your personal cheque i can't take;
i don't know you, so give me a break.
bring a bank draft instead;
we can then move ahead
and the ship will be yours, captain drake.
"
"they are nice when they're new, i recall;
therefore, dig these potatoes while small.
sure, the carlton's among
the most handsome when young?
but not pretty if left till the fall.
"
"i enjoy hearing mariners' tales
of good breezes in bellying sails
from those steady nor'westers.
see, i'm with investors
in shipping, out hunting for whales.
"
"commodity crop marketeers
have a contrary notion of years:
come the reaping of crops,
then the harvest-year stops;
that's the basis of trading careers.
"
"the sepals quite soon fall away
(they're caducous, and not meant to stay),
so, while these are deep-sixed,
all the petals stay fixed
for a sepal-free floral bouquet.
"
"then there's crucianella stylosa:
a botanical name you should know, sir.
for the crosswort you seek
is elusive. bespeak
well the plant name you're anxious to grow, sir.
"
"on defining connivent, i mused.
it's a word that in botany's used
for plant parts converging;
not melding or merging.
adjacent, in short, but not fused.
"
"here's the gorge with the swift current splashing;
the narrows with rocks ? waters crashing.
""it's the dalles. you'd be daft
to try this on your raft.""
well, he did. we took pictures ? they're smashing.
"
"they transformed to another dimension,
which gained my wholehearted attention.
it wasn't the dancing
i found so entrancing,
but rather the ghostly ascension.
"
"amflora breaks ground that is new?
a potato that's long overdue.
what's it for? i'll confide:
it's designed to provide
industrial starch. what a coup!
"
"in conceits, we're induced to concede
odd comparisons, doubtful indeed.
see the verses once spun
by the poet john donne;
penned for fun? or just done to mislead?
"
"creating a dictionary's spurred
by an urge to define every word;
while for topics unbounded
a large and well-grounded
encyclopaedia's often preferred.
"
"the item's discarded, it's trash.
just junk to the dump. was i rash?
well, perhaps not the smartest:
a scavenging artist
restyled it, and sold it for cash.
"
"disinherited! such is my fate;
not a penny from mother's estate.
so how come i get squat?
the result of a plot
by a sibling. too late for debate.
"
"the perp was at large, all alone.
above was an aircraft, a drone.
sure, the plane was unmanned,
but an office-bound hand
clicked an order to target the zone.
"
"dinornis: no wings to take flight
and too bulky to hide out of sight,
it was hunted galore.
ain't around any more?
went extinct, the poor moa bird's plight.
"
"i am old, and old-fashioned. i'll pay
an endowment; it's hers come what may.
as i take my bride's  hand,
i'll give dowable land.
when i'm gone, just you watch her make hay.
"
"at the head of this column, alone,
see me chiselling stone, in the zone.
and behold, here unfolding,
cymatium (moulding)?
the classical trimming i hone.
"
"dominion: a name to adopt
as a title. so, how come it flopped?
did it sound too impassioned?
or simply old fashioned?
it's canada now; the name's cropped.
"
"we're potatoes?we're cool and we're dry,
piled in field storage (oversupply).
with a covering of soil,
and some straw, we won't spoil.
(in yorkshire, this clamp is a pie.)
"
"there's a tiny and rare blushing snail
on saint helena (bonaparte's jail).
for this small remote isle,
conservation's worthwhile.
we'd be red in the face, should we fail.
"
"in this shelter, small insects don't dine
on the host, be it herb, tree or vine.
tiny hollows, domatia,
in plants afford nature
a refuge, secure and benign.
"
"the depressed river mussel is stressed.
no, not sad 'cause its shell is compressed.
it's at risk. what's it need
if it hopes to succeed?
clean and slow-moving waters are best.
"
"with the godfather, there was no yelling,
not even with minions rebelling.
when he spoke (just a croak),
it was never a joke,
for his statements were always compelling.
"
"diabesity: ominous wave.
when obese people constantly crave
all the sweets they should shun,
they come under the gun ?
diabetes can lead to the grave.
"
"crateva are shrubs or small trees
known to bloom by the warm southern seas.
some may conjure emotion
suggesting devotion;
we're piously brought to our knees.
"
"while i hate to wax melodramatic,
there is something afoot in the attic.
let me make this quite clear,
and i'm very sincere:
i will not check it out. i'm emphatic.
"
"i just hate when, in-transit, my crate
becomes damaged by slip-sliding freight.
so, assessing the tonnage
and shape, i'll use dunnage
to pad all that moveable weight.
"
"in shipbuilding, cross-spales are spaced
'cross the frame to ensure it's all braced.
each provisional strut
is first measured and cut
and secured; then the deck beams are placed.
"
"my grandpa was wrinkled and tanned;
he'd pinch skin on the back of his hand:
it would stay in a peak
because snap-back was weak?
elastosis, i now understand.
"
"round the edge of a coin are reliefs,
called engrailment, to thwart any thief's
inclination to trim
precious bits off the rim.
there are reasons for grooves and motifs.
"
"tiny flowers that grow on the disk
of a daisy will seed. now a brisk
waft of air ? just a gust ?
huffs, and whips up the dust:
see those parachutes frolic and frisk.
"
"squirting cucumber juice has a use.
how, specifically? making one loose.
elaterium purges
those bowels lacking urges?
it works as it would through a goose.
"
"all composite plants form a head
formed of flowers in clusters, it's said;
but being specific,
the texts scientific
say they're capitate (mostly) instead.
"
"silver coins, all about, on the green;
nearly all are near hole seventeen.
dollar spot's what we've got:
it's an unsightly blot
on this otherwise bonny wee scene.
"
"this lightning appears as a ball
that may bounce, perhaps hover or crawl.
is this all due to static,
or other erratic
events? i am baffled. your call.
"
"what initially seems naught but toil,
while you're digging to break up the soil
with straight rows and full spit,
will ensure you keep fit.
work that spade blade according to hoyle.
"
"from the comb of a cock, comes cockade,
worn as ribbons on hats, well displayed.
marks of ranking in war,
now adapted once more
in the roundels on planes on a raid.
"
"three colonies, each on its own,
came together to form a new zone.
thus, in confederation
was born a new nation.
now look at how canada's grown.
"
"farewell to this life spent in learning;
i need cash, so i need to start earning.
it may take some sweat
to reduce all this debt?
it's a ponderous page that i'm turning.
"
"""what do quarter and nail and an ell
have in common?"" ""i'm stumped, please do tell.""
""all were measures of cloth,
but today merely froth:
now redundant, so, sadly, farewell.""
"
"the stripping of land, denudation,
can be an enormous temptation.
with resources declining,
our open-pit mining
is needed, but draws condemnation.
"
"from the willow, did i hear a jay?
or, quite possibly, some bird of prey?
there he was, looking down
from up there in the crown?
oh well, boys will be boys, so they say.
"
"old clothiers, all at their discretion,
made cloth as their only profession.
over time it arose
that new clothiers sold clothes.
see? the meaning has changed. that's progression.
"
"under pressure and ponderous strain,
green and red with a coarse type of grain,
i am eclogite rock;
dig me up by the block
from my rare and magnificent vein.
"
"see my walker, young man? pound for pound
it's the best aid for getting around.
check the streamlined appeal?
there's a cowl for each wheel
so it's aerodynamically sound.
"
"we cinnabar larvae crave food.
all the ragwort we'll quickly denude.
when left with no other,
we'll chew on our brother.
does that seem excessively crude?
"
"about termites, three things i'll confide:
some reside in cut lumber that's dried;
some are alate, thereby,
with small wings they can fly;
and those alates taste nutty when fried.
"
"greyish spots (purple borders) appear
on new raspberry canes every year.
they will start in july.
then young fruits tend to dry.
it's anthracnose (the fungus), i fear.
"
"my companion's a long-handled hoe.
see, it's drawn to my boot as we go.
we attack, we're both keen ?
duo thinning machine ?
spacing lettuce plants all down the row.
"
"the river slows down near the bends,
and alluvial matter descends;
here that upstream depletion
now settles: accretion.
the riverside landmass extends.
"
"there's a fish family ? let's be succinct ?
called amiidae. plainly, it's linked
to one species today.
i am sorry to say
that the others are clearly extinct.
"
"they are compound, bipinnately so:
many ferns think it's quite apropos
to divide the fronds twice,
'cause if pinnate is nice,
split again is enhanced. way to grow!
"
"beware alternaria blight:
while it won't kill potatoes outright,
early blight, you should know,
is a tough row to hoe.
would rotation of crops help? it might.
"
"before dawn a long drive, highway steaming.
now cresting the rise, headlights beaming
straight into my eyes.
leave the road. next surprise,
pocket change by my ears, downward streaming.
"
"the doctrine of signatures: odd
that the answers were written by god
in the shapes within herbs,
like some mystical blurbs;
read aright, they said, 'good for the bod.'
"
"use mnemonics, remembering things.
for decurrent: air-current, then wings.
ah, that's the connection:
a ""wing-like projection""
that grows down the leaf-stalk and clings.
"
"if it's aphyllopodic, you care:
lower stems lacking leaves; almost bare.
checking further details
of this sedge: are there scales?
on inspection?indeed, they are there!
"
"ecclesia penitens: oops!
i'd say yours is the largest of groups.
renounce sins as you dwell
between heaven and hell.
make amends?you'll be jumping through hoops.
"
"ecclesia triumphans: rejoice.
when you worshiped you made the right choice.
and now you've passed over
you're living in clover.
it's heaven! so lift high your voice.
"
"the ecclesia militans states:
those of faith perforce battle the traits
of the devil and sin,
and find strength deep within
ere they pass through those big pearly gates.
"
"from deep down inside the earth's core
endogenous movements in store
will erupt. the earth quakes,
and those earth moving shakes
trigger changes. that's true shock and awe.
"
"""lack of oxygen caused it,"" chef cried,
""these potatoes are blue-black inside.
see the black heart: they're spoiled.
they'd be horrible boiled,
and no better if mashed or deep-fried.""
"
"i wonder if i may assume
that a waxy or powdery bloom
found on cabbage and plum
is quite harmless? or some
horrid substance that leads to the tomb?
"
"proudly cavicorn, hollow of horn,
i'm a lightweight. now, antlers i scorn;
they are hard on the head
(poor old deer, they all shed).
horns of sheep stay in place to adorn.
"
"disinheritance: words from the grave
pronounce judgement. how should one behave
when cut out of the will?
well, it's one bitter pill,
but that's life. no regrets for this knave.
"
"dry rot of potatoes implies
that there's rot, and it's dry; no surprise.
many nicked or bumped spuds
will turn out to be duds,
so be gentle and save someone's fries.
"
"tied a fly, it was late on the sunday.
caught a fish, that was early on monday.
how'd i snag that big trout?
in my mind there's no doubt,
you should try that dry fly: cockabundy.
"
"the willow, too large for its site,
i detruncated, cutting its height.
before long the squat stumps
sprouted twigs in great clumps:
ghastly pollard! i'm truly contrite.
"
"dvo??k, a classical ace,
wrote fine music that people embrace:
in new york he unfurled
his iconic ""new world"" ?
which, in time, made a trip into space.
"
"you'd apostatize? leave and forsake
your foregoing beliefs, and you'd make
the decision to switch
so that now you're a witch?
jesus wept! this is one big mistake.
"
"native mexican plants, fine and floral:
pot these bulbs for indoors? sure, no quarrel.
they'll grow long wiry stems
topped by parasol gems,
bright and cheery, like small drops of coral.
"
"there's wisteria, native chinese
woody vines, sometimes trained to be trees.
it takes many a year
before flowers appear;
when they do, rest assured they will please.
"
"they like cool weather ? now i recall.
my poor lettuce crop bolted, grew tall.
summer days were too hot,
now the whole lot is shot.
bitter leaves, lots of stem ? and that's all.
"
"in old cities you'll commonly find
there's a large place of worship designed
to command the main square.
as a rule, folks stop there
just to stare; few to pray or unwind.
"
"on a pappus, minute but firm hairs
mean it's barbellate. he who compares
within family ""daisy""
should never be lazy:
who magnifies not likely errs.
"
"information is key in my field:
acres planted, the harvest, the yield.
i can then plan ahead
based on bulletins read;
thanks to government, all is revealed.
"
"in my garden i grow quite a lot
of potatoes, and each one has got
a dark vascular ring
which can mean just one thing:
all my spuds have bacterial rot.
"
"a unicorn group? i'd be guessing
the name, but then, since you are pressing
for terms called ""collective,""
let's take the perspective
that mystical sights are a blessing.
"
"diamond wedding (their second) means five-
and-seventy years! they arrive
with the same spouse they wed.
and, yes, this should be said ?
both the parties must still be alive.
"
"when a leaf edge displays crenulation,
i ponder its plan and causation:
is it scalloped by chance,
or designed in advance?
so ordained, or a mere aberration?
"
"when you contemplate land cultivation
beyond basic soil preparation,
think tilling: prevent,
to a certain extent,
an excessively weedy plantation.
"
"an assimilator,  that's what i am:
loads of data's absorbed as i cram.
into textbooks i plunge
with a brain like a sponge ?
which i'll squeeze in my final exam.
"
"miranda, who lives in uganda,
grows rubber plants known as ecanda.
production's near nil
from the tubers, but still
they look cute on her north-east veranda.
"
"a condition will sometimes arise
where small children will take on the guise
of some renaissance creatures
with cherub-like features:
big jaw, puffy cheeks, upturned eyes.
"
"there are those who convincingly say
amphioxidae showed us the way.
those lancelets all lack bone,
yet hinted at backbone?
and that's why you have one today.
"
"a small mottled seed, known as chia,
is sold as a great panacea.
it might be good, but
it's too hard on my gut.
now i think i have ? oops ? diarrhea.
"
"through the arrowslit, long years ago,
the archer spied oncoming foe.
from up high in his tower
the bowman loosed power
held taut in the strength of his bow.
"
"we will have to sit down and converse.
hubby mutters. he's starting to curse;
'cause, while paired socks go in,
they come out with no kin.
talks are needed before things get worse.
"
"as the water swirls down from your drain,
give a thought to its rush through the main.
have you ductile iron pipe?
that's the flexible type,
which they claim will stand up to the strain.
"
"the old tricycle tractor's designed
to work row-crops, and jobs of that kind:
configuration's ideal,
with its single front wheel
and adjustable drive-wheels behind.
"
"this pioneer plant we admire:
epilobium?first after fire.
a field of magenta,
it blooms to present a
reminder: not all will expire.
"
"""take a look at these leaves?i would mention
that the veins tend to loop on ascension;
brochidodromous veins...""
as the teacher explains,
i tune out?he has lost my attention.
"
"when speaking of plants, effloresce
(that's to flower, to bloom) might impress.
but the chances are high
normal folk will decry
your pedantical talk nonetheless.
"
"the peaches are crushed, they are juiced:
the liquid is thereby educed,
without change, from the fruit.
no one here can refute
that the nectar runs free?it is loosed.
"
"there's an old term returning today:
cryptogamous. what plants are they?
ones that don't produce seed,
so they've clearly no need
for conspicuous floral display.
"
"the carpophore: what is it for?
it's where mushrooms engender and store
loads of spores. and, of course,
it's a recognized source
of nutrition (or poison). explore!
"
"of this dactylodynia pain,
some will claim that it's all in the brain:
is my brain in my fingers?
their agony lingers?
my knuckles are going insane.
"
"what is cup-gall? the shape of the gall
or a growth on an oak cup? your call.
well, we know it's some creature
that causes this feature;
it's there to be fruitful, that's all.
"
"if a plant seems to die by degrees,
check the growing environment, please.
if not fungal collapse
nor a virus, perhaps
a disorder's the cause, not disease.
"
"could a juror be influenced, bought?
that's embracery, so i was taught.
now this word is pass?.
make that charge and i'd say
that your efforts will all come to naught.
"
"some blossoms are labelled diclinous
(androgynous, one gender minus).
their progenitive growth?
male or female, not both?
so i doubt that such blooms endure shyness.
"
"it's the showiest cactus in town:
a cephalium forms at the crown?
a bright cap of dense spines;
then, within these confines
grow red blossoms, midst white-woolly down.
"
"a marxist supporter was trotsky,
a writer who favoured the plotsky:
well known as ""the pen,""
he crossed lenin and then
got in trouble with stalin, alotsky.
"
"the plans for a club, embryotic,
were framed by the patients, neurotic.
but, sadly, their mission
did not reach fruition;
their leader, alas, was psychotic.
"
"i've been  living with dire inflammation,
because of my hip implantation.
the leg starts to heal;
bones and tissue congeal:
it's a process called conglutination.
"
"called canoe polo?none will dispute
it's the paddler's own sport. what a hoot!.
to make sure that we float,
it's a kayak-type boat
that we use when we ""sprint"" splash and shoot.
"
"john conway, the great puppeteer,
is the one who performed the premiere,
yes the first, cbc
broadcast show on tv.
what's this kidnapping story i hear?
"
"there's the who, there's the what, where and why:
these are words that emerge when i pry.
curiosity's drive
proves my brain is alive.
so tell all?i must know?and don't lie.
"
"what on earth is this fruit they call bumbleberry?
exotic elite? or a humble berry?
it's a bit of a gag,
as the pie with this tag
has a mixture of fruit ? call it jumble-berry.
"
"embryonic, within each small seed
there awaits a small wonder to heed
nature's call and fulfill
its own destiny. still,
will it be a great tree, or a weed?
"
"how could she? it seems i've been dissed.
so offhandedly dumped and dismissed!
this discardure, so rude,
has quite dampened my mood.
i am striking her name from my list.
"
"is the plant name correct, well supported
by pertinent texts? no, we're thwarted.
calyculate bracts
are observed near the backs
of the calyces. id aborted.
"
"ambrosiaceae can't seem to win:
some are ragweeds ?  such negative spin.
now, their family ambition
gets no recognition.
""this name is not valid,"" says grin.
"
"with this plump cottage loaf i'll entice.
see? it's double the fun?twice as nice.
with the ""body"" and ""head,""
it's an old fashioned bread
(rarely seen, 'cause it's awkward to slice).
"
"you want cygon, that strong plant systemic
insecticide? eco-polemic!
for home use it's banned,
so i've none left on hand.
oh, your aphids? they'll go epidemic.
"
"crested coralroot acts in cahoots
with its fungus friend working the roots.
and this give-take attraction
is underground action
with (now and then) flowering shoots.
"
"garden hoes? folks are always devising
new tools to cut weeds. not surprising,
the dutch hoe (you shove)
is one gardeners love.
slice away?but no grass-roots uprising.
"
"here's the open-pit mine; they colluded
to have the wild forest denuded.
with the trees and soil stripped,
soon the ore will be shipped.
they'll restore (as before?) once concluded.
"
"from stamens the pollen outpours,
dispersed to the greater outdoors.
if the anthers dehisce
facing outwards, like this,
the botanical term is extrorse.
"
"ever wonder how bone may be grown?
ectostosis (the process) has shown
that we get bone formation,
called ossification,
beneath the dense membranous zone.
"
"dynamism: energy theories
explaining the force. still have queries?
you need a new model
(don't heed that old twaddle).
mine's being released as a series.
"
"though cantatas were written to suit
singing voices, and often a lute,
arrangements are normal,
so let's not be formal:
here's mine for the bagpipes and flute.
"
"my mother's continuous loading
of guilt on my head, and her goading,
leaves both of us strained.
i'm emotionally drained:
my desire to fight back is eroding.
"
"so, it's eastern spruce? please check the cone.
in america's mid-northern zone
we are now well aware
that the ""eastern"" trees there
are the white, black and red?all well known.
"
"in this acorn resides a great oak,
in a manner of speaking?no joke.
now the embryo's need
is to sprout from the seed.
let us give it some help with a soak.
"
"all those web hits, how quickly they go.
soon departed, so what does that show?
a high bounce rate's a gauge
that they viewed just one page.
were they stymied or glad? hard to know.
"
"decandria plants claimed a link,
all with something in common, i think.
yes, the concept was sound;
for example, i found
stamens ten in the group they call pink.
"
"this new plan is the first of its line.
dreams to paper, i draft and refine.
for, by starting from scratch,
there is nothing to match
this formation: a clean-sheet design.
"
"on the cake of my life here's the icing:
entomotomy, cutting and slicing
of insects. this study
is fun. come on, buddy!
each creature has something worth dicing.
"
"with its architrave, cornice, and frieze,
the entablature poses with ease
on the columns, free standing.
prevent a crash landing:
secure it before the next breeze.
"
"in circuitry, there's a design
in sensors that's top of the line.
no, that's not empty flattery?
cmos saves battery
power for slower decline.
"
"one mechanic; one last destination:
in his box, on a bier, to cremation.
but that cart had a wheel
with a very dry seal,
which would squeal and resist each rotation.
"
"this catface is not all that cute:
the disorder is found on the fruit
of tomatoes once chilled.
while the plant is not killed,
the odd butt-ugly fruit will not suit.
"
"to lose weight i take care what i eat,
be it sugar or dairy or meat.
wait! (i just shake my head.)
there's a problem with bread!
amylopectin's the culprit in wheat.
"
"there's a place that i have to efface
from my memory?every last trace.
how i pray to forget
the old prison guard's threat,
and his need to demean and debase.
"
"when the veins of a leaf split and run,
somewhat curved, to the edge, one by one,
craspedodromous applies.
too much word! no surprise
that pronouncing it isn't much fun.
"
"says the one with germane expertise,
blossom-end rot will surely displease.
switching flooding and drought
may well bring this about,
but it's not caused by pests or disease.
"
"my plain old beef sandwich is bland,
so, a condiment's what i demand.
add some hot english mustard;
red-faced, i am flustered ?
it's all that my taste buds can stand.
"
"romans left, then the anglii came
west from jutland to stake out their claim
to a part of east britain?
with which they were smitten.
now england's derived from their name.
"
"deltoid, the shape of a leaf,
describes a botanic motif.
its triangular state
makes it apt to relate
to a species: deltoides, in brief.
"
"j.g. cotta von cottendorf  paid,
as american plants got surveyed.
then that patron gained class
when a ""newly found"" grass
took his name for all time ? a fair trade.
"
"when live fish are ploughed up in a field,
how on earth does one parse this strange yield?
it's the bowfin that landed
from floods, and got stranded,
its gas bladder breathing revealed.
"
"edmontonia bones in the ground;
no live ankylosaurs still around:
if that creature could speak?
""yes, i'm long past my peak,
but so glad that it's here i am found.""
"
"as botanical garden curator,
i will put off retirement till later,
and forfeit vacations
to maintain notations?
plant data work couldn't be greater.
"
"to say that it's ugly's a stretch.
besides, this is just a clay sketch,
a bozzetto; maquette.
you have no need to fret.
when i do you in stone you may kvetch.
"
"""what's the term for a leaf,"" you enquire,
""that is plain?"" see the margin, young squire:
lacking lobes, and not cleft,
and entirely bereft
of dentation ? that's clearly entire.
"
"if you're into the gardening game,
use a bottomless box, just a frame
with some glass on the top,
when you start your next crop.
this is odd?i've forgotten its name.
"
"while re-sanding our old hardwood floor,
i found dust very hard to ignore.
now my new dustless vacuum
sucks all to the back room.
extraction has lessened the chore.
"
"this exam will return acclamation:
entomology's her avocation.
she learned them by heart,
every small insect part;
the ninth segment is? right! it's ennation.
"
"turning drum?see the stylus proceeding;
charts blood pressure. this one's misleading.
well, good for a laugh
as it inks off the graph,
but this cymograph gave a false reading.
"
"growing spuds? you will need a routine
drawing soil from the spaces between
and around every sprout.
earth them up, all about,
so new tubers will never turn green.
"
"double blossom? it's not all that pretty:
distortion of growth, more's the pity.
this fungus disease,
in effect, guarantees
that your blackberry crop will be less than satisfactory.
"
"there are flexible people at hand
who are willing to compromise; and,
at the opposite end,
cussed folk who won't bend:
they just stubbornly take a firm stand.
"
"double flowers, considered a gain,
make regular blooms look mundane.
but why, in creation,
such chance aberration?
spare petals are hard to explain.
"
"what a furtive and wily device,
early barnyard grass mimicking rice:
all this weeding selection
reduces detection;
now crop losses push up the price.
"
"the corgi (scooped up and chastised)
had been gnawing my orchid, much prized.
several leaves now look gross:
once entire, now erose?
all haphazardly notched and incised.
"
"echinochloa: naughty or nice?
they are grasses. i can't be precise,
for the good provide grain,
while the weeds are a bane
and a sneaky one hides in the rice.
"
"it means ""bushy."" but prone to verbosity,
i'll say that this plant has dumosity.
the word dumous, in fact,
means, moreover, ""compact.""
these old words are a rare curiosity.
"
"they couldn't get in if they tried;
the tall fence signalled ""entrance denied.""
safe within the exclosure
there'd be no exposure
to scrumpers ? kept strictly outside.
"
"in the garden, this beautiful morn,
epipetalous details adorn.
look closely, come near:
see how stamens adhere
to the petals, delightfully borne.
"
"an endophyte lives right inside
the plant of its choice to provide
either succor or grief.
there's a common belief
that such pairing is normal worldwide.
"
"for inflicting extreme wear and tear,
carborundum is hard to compare.
if there's something to grind
it's right there?but to find
it in nature's remarkably rare.
"
"esoteric means  clannish, concealed
or mysterious?out in left field.
exoteric, we know,
is the stuff out on show?
clearly evident, fully revealed.
"
"when it comes to the discharge of waste,
be discreet as to where it is placed.
be it large or petite,
when you need to excrete,
please ensure that it cannot be traced.
"
"he'd been killed by a man-eating shark.
when i made a condolent remark
to his grief-stricken bride
she said thanks; she then cried
that its bite was much worse than its bark.
"
"bergamottin i cannot endorse
for consumption by those on a course
of medicinal pills
to cure all kinds of ills.
(the grapefruit is one common source.)
"
"a transitional zone we might see
between species (type a and type b).
in this ecocline region
diversity's legion?
genetic potential runs free.
"
"i awoke when i heard myself screaming?
my parachute failed. i'd been dreaming.
now i'm safe, no more fear.
with a grin, ear to ear,
i'm so glad to be here, i am beaming.
"
"now i'm two plants united as one:
stock and scionwood splicing was done
on a potting shed bench
by a comely young wench
who considers good benchgrafting fun.
"
"hungry bark-chewing rodents abound,
and the tree trunk is girdled around.
try a long-practiced craft:
bridge the gap with a graft
from above down to bark near the ground.
"
"found a chocolate-box gift in the mart,
sentimentally shaped like a heart.
should i run with the herd?
the whole notion's absurd!
what the hell. here it goes, in the cart.
"
"writing verses, he aimed to write tighter;
so, why did they call him a blighter?
was he up to no good?
no, just misunderstood;
the poor sod was a limerick writer.
"
"as grass roots advance through the soil,
this lawn edging serves as a foil.
encroachment thus barred
from the rest of my yard,
i'll be saved a fair measure of toil.
"
"that the life of an old pioneer
was in tune with the land is quite clear:
as a practical guide,
certain plant names were tied
to the shape of the tongue of a deer.
"
"sails filling, we waved. no more crowds.
then stiff breezes were tugging the shrouds
at the channels 'long side.
would we make the high tide,
and outrun those dark, threatening clouds?
"
"whether found on a leaf or a shoot,
our galls are distinctive, and cute.
we are busy, wee flies
(think mosquito in size)
rarely seen, but well known by repute.
"
"a young botanist started to read
about cypselae, one kind of seed.
but he's hardly amused;
seems the word's rarely used,
and it doesn't fill one human need.
"
"epidendrum, it's there on a tree;
one of many, an orchid grows free.
this one genus is mega,
so how do we peg a
true name on this plant. where's the key?
"
"when magma is squeezed, it's conclusive
that some is ejected, extrusive.
then, down in the earth,
and too deep to give birth,
are intrusive flows, hidden, elusive.
"
"the scene has a timeless appeal,
with its endlessly rotating wheel
churning down in the water.
the miller's fair daughter
sings out o'er the grinding of meal.
"
"i'm a toadstool; i grow by a pat
that a bovine delivered kersplat.
am i not to your taste
'cause i live on that waste?
then please leave me alone with my? scat!
"
"""epigynous: petals atop
the ovary, all through the crop;
the hypogynous, though,
have their petals below.
so, does that help you know?"" ""yes, please stop.""
"
"plumber joe made an elbow connection,
but the pipe insert failed its inspection.
joe was right round the bend:
he could not comprehend
why the flow took a plumb wrong direction.
"
"he's laid out in his pressed sunday best.
he is more than at peace, or at rest.
he has not just passed on,
he is lifeless, he's gone.
he's exanimous, dead, i attest.
"
"said the peach to the almond, ""how come
our fine genus gets lumped with the plum?
the prunus are plain,
while amygdalus reign
as superior. why should we slum?""
"
"who moved on four legs, or just two,
and will never appear in a zoo?
he lived large in cretaceous;
was never predaceous.
the edmontosaurus, that's who.
"
"john burroughs rejoiced to point out,
as an essayist, nature's about
treating wild things as friends.
but then, that all depends?
he was nuts about fishing for trout.
"
"try approach grafting. here is one way
different plants meld together: let's say
you've a potted tomato
close by a potato.
join stems as one plant for display.
"
"my efforts with insects, entomical,
are not yet, perhaps, economical.
folks may think i'm a fool
to promote bugs as fuel?
but in time it may not seem so comical.
"
"rambling on dartmoor, no rush,
i just bimbled along through the brush.
then, delight, on the gorse
i located the source
of a bird's song, a throstle, a thrush.
"
"nice white stems are what gourmets all seek
when they shop for a quality leek.
for such etiolation
use sunlight-privation;
good blanching relies on technique.
"
"when something's exsuccous, it's dry,
like these lemons, all withered. that's why,
shriveled up, without juice,
they're of no earthly use
in preparing your favorite pie.
"
"i'm domestic and house-proud, that's me,
and i serve a fine afternoon tea.
for work that's so vital,
there must be a title?
ah, domiculture, that's what it be.
"
"with some seeds, as they first start to grow,
cotyledons push up from below.
and then once above ground
they don't long hang around,
those epigeous seed-leaves soon go.
"
"dactylaria fungus will prey
on small nematodes. if they should stray
to a thread-like device,
they're entrapped in a trice.
very few will, unscathed, get away.
"
"here's my hobby knife; this is my plight:
someone turned the damn collet too tight.
it won't budge, i'm afraid,
so i can't change the blade.
oh, the other way loosens? all right!
"
"rein them in? there's no way; they just scoff.
(one percenters: the ones at the trough.)
it's not fair. i feel bad.
i'm disgruntled. i'm mad!
how come i'm not that rich? i'm pissed off!
"
"the digynia class? now pass?:
just ignore it or file it away.
once two pistils (a brace?)
held a prominent place
in taxonomy. not so today.
"
"yes, balsamic plants, all balsamaceous,
yield balsam; it's sticky, sebaceous.
and if resin you need
to make slides, then proceed;
while outdated, it's still efficacious.
"
"three cheers! the experiment station
evaluates plant acclimation;
with comparative tests
it checks growth, yield and pests,
summer fallow, and cropland rotation.
"
"an opisthograph, i will confide,
is a paper with writing applied
to both sides of the page.
such a page may upstage
anopisthograph paper: one side.
"
"i took note of the leaf and its shape,
how the vine would entangle and drape.
this was hops! something's wrong:
it seemed not to belong
in the woodland?a garden escape.
"
"exanimate: dead or dejected.
this word, rather strange, unexpected,
is now seldom used:
it might well be confused
for a typo that's gone undetected.
"
"one day as he wove through the traffic,
just one of a large demographic,
from his lane he did stray:
""coming home a new way?""
read his very last text, epitaphic.
"
"brought a cake for my folks' special day,
but then learned that, in this town caf?,
we could not cut a slice
without paying the price:
there was cakeage (like corkage) to pay.
"
"entailment's a state that i hate,
as it legally binds the estate.
disentailment's for me,
as at last i break free:
long gone forebears no longer dictate.
"
"robert adam worked long at his desk,
while designing abodes picturesque.
borrowed roman and greek,
added others, antique,
to define his own style?adamesque.
"
"""a conspiracy! that's what i say,""
spake a man of quebec called boucher.
his sedition (discerned)
was, in time, overturned.
people's freedom to speak won the day.
"
"the cord lock's my favourite thing
when i'm camping and dealing with string.
knotty problems? they cease:
press and slide, then release.
just a barrel with plunger and spring.
"
"when you plant, choose with care the best site:
dappled shading perhaps, or bright light.
find a cool spot, or hot,
fully sheltered, or not.
plant exposure: plan first; get it right.
"
"there's a kind of systemic defense,
it suggests implications immense.
this antixenosis
at times can mean doses
of toxins. that makes perfect sense.
"
"most bromeliads live up in trees
(perhaps for the view, or the breeze).
cottendorfia, though,
is found anchored below?
much admired by a few devotees.
"
"""two names for one plant group? that's cluttered.
hate to change. what to do?"" daisy muttered.
please, don't be unnerved;
the old name is conserved,
and compositae still may be uttered.
"
"plant classification was slated
for revision. there appeared a well-rated
and groundbreaking text
by art cronquist. what next?
twenty years, and the system was dated.
"
"it's like this, folks, i have lots to say.
my oration's precise, i don't stray
from the detail at hand.
my dilation's well planned.
maybe long, but long-winded? no way.
"
"avoid taxonomic frustration
by adding the author citation.
a species name signed
is thus clearly defined,
for the creatures and plants of creation.
"
"i inherit, but not all is mine,
for entail is a means to confine.
in this place i'll abide,
but it's family-tied
so must pass to the next heir in line.
"
"he awoke to a wailing banshee:
""ahe-oop, lad, there's just thee and me!""
in great fear he replied,
""once i get my boots tied
be assured there will only be thee.""
"
"i once was an intern, in training
as a medic, lived in; it was draining.
internship complete,
now an extern. how sweet!
i live out. you won't hear me complaining.
"
"etymologists study the meaning
of words by dissecting and gleaning
their earliest use,
and then work to deduce
how they've changed through the times intervening.
"
"it's all happening! check the big tent.
exhibition time's quite an event.
eight plump plums on a plate
are my entry. they're great!
""what, no ribbon?"" my doleful lament.
"
"""here today, gone tomorrow,"" they say.
there are things that should pass?fade away.
but ephemerists strive
to keep past things alive,
saving transient scraps from the day.
"
"if you're dropping long pipes down the chute,
place them endlong: you cannot refute
end-to-end, head-to-foot
is the way that they're put?
because crosswise just doesn't compute.
"
"i hoard masks, mounted fish from the deeps,
giant moths, dusty hides piled in heaps:
it's exotica, mainly
imported, but plainly
intended to give folks the creeps.
"
"i am keen to repaint my latrine,
and the colour i've picked is cress green.
i think you'll agree
that it's darker than pea,
but more yellow than aquamarine.
"
"these sanderlings, lacking a toe,
run stiff-legg?d, like toys, to and fro
on the beach with each wave,
picking sand crabs they crave.
funny calidris alba. all go!
"
"it's a feeling i freely endorse:
i love driving, and race round the course,
keeping rubber to road;
the good traction is owed
to the spoiler, for down-pushing force.
"
"what the engine block does, in effect,
is encompass, contain, and protect
moving parts: odds and sods
like the crankshaft and rods,
and the pistons?all fitted and checked.
"
"two similar rocks may be found:
one's conglomerate, samples abound
with bits rounded in form.
meanwhile breccia's norm
is sharp-angled, not ground to the round.
"
"with william and mary restricted
by parliament?much as predicted?
new protestant rights
tested ever new heights,
and the catholic church was evicted.
"
"river hiking trails (longest of all
through a city) look great in the fall.
but this pleasure must wait;
i have promised my mate
that we'd visit west edmonton mall.
"
"eleocharis plants: up the creek?
there are some think this genus a freak.
so, its ""leaves"" are the stem;
that's no cause to condemn
this odd rush-looking sedge?that's unique.
"
"growing spuds? there is little debate:
skip the chitting, and harvest is late.
in good light let them sprout
till they're blue-green and stout,
then plant out in their now chitted state.
"
"the amaranth family needs
to dominate land with its weeds.
the farm workers grumble
as tumbleweeds tumble
and scatter their thousands of seeds.
"
"uncle chichimus, greatly revered,
was a glove puppet. chich pioneered
on toronto tv.
but then, who could foresee
he'd be kidnapped and lost? disappeared!
"
"british railways were broken; all knew it.
but with closures, the public would rue it.
said beeching, ""too bad
if you think i'm a cad,
but somebody needed to do it.""
"
"edward iii, in his fifty year reign,
was a bane to the french; his campaign
launched the hundred years war,
while the government swore,
never more! your taxation's a strain.
"
"yellow flowers that open when night
starts to fall hint the day was too bright.
when the sun past the rim goes,
the evening primrose
unfolds in the darkening light.
"
"how audacious! that statement's fallacious:
he's claiming this plant's ericaceous.
it's clethra. though linked,
it is clearly distinct
from the heaths and the heathers. good gracious!
"
"he was edward the king, number viii,
but stepped down to make wallis his mate:
common blood, divorc?e!
they were both sent away.
(brother george would assume head of state.)
"
"""cultivable land for the taking;
stake a claim on your homestead, start breaking!""
initially crops
were prolific ? the tops!
only later came dust and hearts aching.
"
"the plant's climbing, quite lush, by the grange;
wild corydalis widens its range:
each year it expands
to encroach on new lands?
a good ""footprint"" of climate in change.
"
"the drill sergeant's terribly keen
to see brass with a glorious sheen.
and the button stick's place
is to save the disgrace
of stray polish on cloth. it's a screen.
"
"he was born in the land of the leek.
they say edward the second was ""weak.""
dethroned by his wife,
he said, ""call this a life?
here in prison my future looks bleak.""
"
"there's an old house of publishing, brill,
with a niche that it tries hard to fill.
it attracts academics,
including polemics?
all grist for the mill, if you will.
"
"human fetuses, shrewdly well versed,
form the gut, with the anus made first.
and, while still within mater,
the mouth is made later:
we're deuterostomes, fully rehearsed.
"
"living long was victoria's fate,
while son ""bertie"" the prince, had to wait.
though he had a wild fling,
edward vii, as king,
brought the monarchy right up to date.
"
"an espalier, flat by the wall.
see? it hardly shows 3d at all.
it's the orchardist's pride;
branches spread, pruned and tied,
soaking sun, well protected from squall.
"
"here's a new electronic device;
it's an e-reader, sure to entice.
we can download some text
but, oh my, i'm perplexed:
paper books can cost less. cut the price!
"
"you're a moth larva out in tibet?
becoming a mummy's a threat.
certain fungi intrude;
they will use you as food
and then sprout?a macabre duet.
"
"i'm innocent, yet i am blamed.
it is obvious that i was framed.
one unnamed, with a sneeze,
spilled his ale on the keys
of the grand, and then left them englaimed.
"
"when the manganese content is high,
then that dolostone cab i might buy.
though the nice rosy-pink
is attractive, i think,
i'm not seen as a ""pink"" kinda guy.
"
"philip armour: he used 'frigeration
to become transportation's sensation.
and he constantly vowed:
no damn unions allowed.
domination was his 'cross the nation.
"
"""define digitipartite again.""
""something hemp-leaf in shape,"" i explain,
""simply parted like fingers.""
(the herbal smell lingers?
good cannabis eases my pain.)
"
"the quarries have fewer rough rocks
in the stone they now ship to the docks.
dimension stone slabs
carry much lower tabs
than the transport of unprocessed blocks.
"
"wet the rock, take a sniff. does it stink?
if it does, you can tell in a blink
that this stone's dolomitic?
up close, oolitic.
must be other good tests. do you think?
"
"take deca (that's greek) meaning ""ten.""
then take ?ndras, ""the male"" (as in men).
decandrous, then, starts
to make sense: think of parts
of a flower. it's simple; ye ken?
"
"who could know, when the beagle set sail
with charles darwin aboard, the detail
that would come from that trip.
just a plain wooden ship
reaching far, both in scope and in scale.
"
"some folk find it odd, a surprise,
that potatoes (the tubers) have eyes.
they're the buds, nascent shoots,
for the top-growth and roots?
all en route to more hash browns and fries.
"
"i was seeking a plant that was bold:
something striking. and soon i was sold
a magnificent palm,
which stands out like a charm.
now, i hope it can tolerate cold.
"
"there's one thing i can say without fear,
and elucidate plainly, my dear:
there are words, now passe,
of no value today,
and dilucidate's one?that is clear.
"
"won a contest, and soon he was bound
for the prairies. budd's calling was found
in the wonder of weeds
and the study of seeds.
now his plant guide's a work well renowned.
"
"eponychia keep out infection
(the cuticle serves as protection),
so it's best not to peel
this small flexible seal
that's your nail-to-skin interconnection.
"
"with six consonants all in succession,
eschscholzia could use compression.
this poppy of fame
i just grow for its name.
(not a serious blooming transgression.)
"
"with colman's, it's hard to find fault:
it's just mustard-flour, water and salt.
and, like it or not,
their top mustard is hot ?
sending profits right into their vault.
"
"alstroemerias found a new twist,
one that other cute lilies all missed:
with their leaves upside-down,
those bright plants of renown
could establish their own family list.
"
"a completely ananthous plantation,
this garden's a slight aberration:
the growth here is void
of all blooms. plants employed
(like the ferns) are just all foliation.
"
"are bananas mysterious? very.
not quite what they seem, so be wary.
once you keep your eyes peeled
their true form is revealed?
they're, botanically speaking, a berry.
"
"in the bud they align or entwine:
nascent petals and such, all combine
in distinctive formation;
it's called estivation?
each species a special design.
"
"species merge; it's taxonomy soup.
need a plant name? well, here is the poop:
the word complex defines
those of similar kinds,
to encompass a multiform group.
"
"edward iv (cleanly shaven, flat hat)
was king twice, and a yorkist at that.
in battle, none  stronger.
he would have reigned longer,
if only he hadn't got fat.
"
"they embarked on plant etherization
(a presumptuous, odd, aberration).
the blossom-twig fuming
was done to force blooming?
a winter bouquet the temptation.
"
"where a fault-line is stuck?an asperity?
we need to assess the severity
of the force held in store:
the results underscore
just what quakes lie in wait for posterity.
"
"i'm a banker, the kind lesser known,
for i work in the shop, carving stone.
i'm a mason, in fact,
but i fear i'll be sacked,
'cause i'm known to be accident prone.
"
"from a land of dire famine they came;
a new life in toronto their aim.
and in the front yard
they grew cabbage and chard:
proudly, cabbagetown still keeps its name.
"
"demitarians cut back, by half,
their consumption of meat. what a laugh!
does it make you more hale
if you eat half the whale
or exchange a whole cow for the calf?
"
"no good space in the mall for old santa,
that jolly old christmas enchanter.
his face wore a frown
as he rode up and down,
just an escalator clause, drawing banter.
"
"the attacker by supermarine:
naval jet fighter plane. we were keen,
till the r.a.f. found
it burned ruts in the ground
during take-off. i say, chaps. bad scene!
"
"we know epiphytes perch, but don't tap
the host plant to survive on the sap:
they may live in a tree,
or take hold in debris.
parasitic? no, that's a bum rap.
"
"your customer service entails
all the things that ensure repeat sales.
you will get more cha-ching
if the buyer is king.
one more thing: take your thumb off the scales.
"
"endemism: something unique
to a desert or mountainous peak,
or a swamp or a plain,
or some other domain?
like that newt, plain to see, up the creek.
"
"ammodytidae fish seem to hate
being thought of as nothing but bait.
as they hide in the sand,
they have grander things planned.
but for now, they await their sad fate.
"
"with emarginate leaves, see this here?
instead of a point like a spear,
there's a notched indentation
at the leaf's termination.
the ""reason"" for this? that's unclear.
"
"i'm her papa, i'm beaming?i'm proud:
she plays loud for the gathering crowd
on the street, all alone
with her tenor trombone.
(we need cash, so i hope it's allowed.)
"
"the gulls and the auks and the waders
are?most of them?coast-flying raiders.
they've been lumped as one group
into one big duck soup.
ornithologists love to be graders.
"
"the most diligent person i've seen,
he will work like a bloody machine,
always gives of his best,
and attacks life with zest?
the epitome (trust me) of keen.
"
"""i hate politics,"" abbott declared.
then he served as pm when ensnared
for a ""caretaker"" term.
he resigned as infirm.
by and large, he is not well compared.
"
"when it came to the gypsy moth pest,
entomophaga fungus was best.
as a biocontrol
it accomplished the goal:
saving trees that were clearly distressed.
"
"offered seconds, i could have rebuffed
my good hostess, but gently i bluffed:
""your pot pie is devine,
but no more can i dine?
i am surfeit, i'm farctate, i'm stuffed.""
"
"sweet dreams of that night turned acidic.
in hindsight prophetic, fatidic.
the car, plunging down,
takes in water. i drown
at that bridge of renown, chappaquiddick.
"
"this crabapple hybrid is rare.
nothing like it, of which i'm aware:
good colour, prolific,
the flavour's terrific?
it eats like a sweet crispy pear.
"
"every year the same crop  is repeated;
with chemicals, acres maltreated.
the land's less organic;
crops fail, there is panic.
the farmland's exhausted: depleted.
"
"ain't i glad, on this earth i was born a
fine specimen classified fauna.
given flora, my lot
might have been a clay pot?
just a parlor palm stuck in the corner.
"
"there's a farm practice i would rescind?
tried it once, and it left me chagrined.
fallow land i let lie
with no crop; it stayed dry,
and by fall it was gone with the wind.
"
"i'm from ulster, so give me a bread
that includes some potato, instead
of a loaf with just flour.
hot or cold, i'll devour
chewy fadge?with some savoury spread.
"
"see the hop plant, a typical bine:
around a support stems entwine;
no tendrils appear,
and no suckers adhere?
for such structures define a true vine.
"
"so, a wasp and a bee and an ant
form a club. commonality scant,
both in lifestyle and tastes,
they all feature wasp waists:
""we're apocrita,"" hear them all chant.
"
"there are divers and dabblers; birds know
they can both share the pond food below.
so that both may survive,
doughty ducks deeply dive?
others dabble, their tails still on show.
"
"should the ashlar be perfect or rough?
we judge not between men; it's enough
that the symbol pertains
to each man, as he gains
through experience?polished but tough.
"
"the genus acacia squirms,
now they've opened a big ""can o' worms.""
does that tree name belong
down in oz? it seems wrong.
will taxonomists soon come to terms?
"
"at the end of the building the gable
is crowstepped (zigzag) to enable
the roof-fixing guys
there to handily rise
to the task ? for their footing is stable.
"
"down to fifth is the cibc.
(it's a bank that held abcp.)
they hit serious bumps,
and perforce took their lumps:
one more victim of toxic debris.
"
"in nature, what wonders abound,
such as bulbous plants moving around.
as contractile roots shrink,
certain bulbs clearly sink,
as they're pulled further into the ground.
"
"they are equitant, fan-like: each leaf
snuggles close the next, as a sheaf.
flat, and firm to the touch;
many iris have such.
and that's it, chief; i need to be brief.
"
"a small bump on the fold of the ear,
darwin's tubercle, it would appear
is a throwback of sorts?
which just slightly distorts
your appearance, but not how you hear.
"
"prairie farmers would let the land rest
between crops; saving moisture was best.
summerfallowing land,
the true fallowist planned,
""fewer crops, better yields in the west.""
"
"make a flute from a stem of bamboo.
a stout lovage stalk, also, will do.
if not hollow, but packed
(that is, farctate), extract
the stem's core so that air passes through.
"
"ectothermic, some insects survive
freezing cold, and pass winter alive.
for their cells can produce
their own antifreeze juice:
thus, with cryoprotectant, they thrive.
"
"how bizarre is the surinam toad,
dorsiferous bearing, her mode:
in each pocket-like sack
on her honeycomb back
is an egg-through-to-adult abode.
"
"sometimes interdependence takes place
between species; and when there's a case
of extinction for one,
then the other's undone:
coextinction will happen apace.
"
"skip the primer? no way. i maintain
that extractives would leach and show stain
on this new wooden siding.
for permanent hiding,
prime well?or paint over again.
"
"scientific names may be updated,
with the older one's status debated;
and a relative few
will not bid us adieu:
they're conserved, as is formally stated.
"
"circumscription: more work than it sounds.
for each taxon, establish the bounds.
include all distinct features;
exclude other creatures.
explain it, and then on what grounds.
"
"if you study a lichen collection
you'll discover, on careful inspection,
the amphigen kind:
all such plants are defined
as extending in every direction.
"
"when you're in the botanical game,
always use the botanical name:
use an epithet true
(one that's published will do).
seek consistency; that is your aim.
"
"we, the grebes, have no webs on our feet.
when we call, it's a bark, not a bleat.
while we do share some traits
with the loons, we're not mates?
we are more the flamingo elite.
"
"in a can, liquid brasso gained fame
as a cleaner of brass. what a shame,
if the cheers change to jeers
after one hundred years:
now, in plastic, it's just not the same.
"
"madam went to the ball in disguise
as marie antoinette. was that wise?
while the baisemains felt grand
on the back of her hand,
the wet kiss of the blade? a surprise.
"
"to propagate plants that you seek
using cuttings or seed; that's technique.
but an explant of tissue
with cells that give issue
in petri dish culture? mystique.
"
"these seedlings are sickly and small.
is the climate at fault? not at all.
exhaust from the traffic?
no, surely edaphic?
to do with the soil. but your call.
"
"certain plants of a species survive
in this habitat; here they will thrive.
the same species, new race,
hold a contrasting space.
see? the ecotype concept's alive.
"
"build a headwall as culvert protection
with sandbags for water deflection.
the next heavy shower
could lead to some scour?
but with bagwork it should pass inspection.
"
"as we age, through the efflux of time,
what's the stage we consider our prime?
is it childhood, or youth?
or life long in the tooth
when maturity meets the sublime?
"
"older children, engrossed in their play,
hadn't noticed the pup run away.
now we'd better fan out:
search all points round about
while we still have some good light of day.
"
"when the cashia plant is in bloom,
distillation makes cassie perfume.
it's the farnesol factor:
a pungent attracter
for some, while the rest leave the room.
"
"the old class went by bus, a cheap charter,
to revisit our old alma mater.
there it was by the door,
english yew, as before,
with the sign stating taxus baccata.
"
"for dispersal, some plants have a twist:
they entice certain ants to enlist.
a seed with temptation
is ripe for migration:
those emmets can never resist.
"
"so, okay guv, i'll clean out the cage,
but let's see if we're on the same page:
all this shovellin' waste
is no way to my taste?
'less you pay me a real decent wage.
"
"ecological amplitude? well,
it's a measure of where species dwell.
for each plant has its line,
beyond which there's decline,
as conditions foreshadow its knell.
"
"i plant poplars in rows for effect,
the branches all upright, erect:
this fastigiate stance
of the trees will enhance
my decrepit old house, i expect.
"
"in a plant it's a freak aberration,
a growth-form that's called fasciation.
parts are flattened and thick,
yet not patently sick
while expressing this strange malformation.
"
"use the powder, the cake form or paste;
add some water. brush webbing, no waste.
fully blancoed in white,
it's the sergeant's delight?
yet, to me, it is effort misplaced.
"
"i am old, and i have to relate,
i've no kids of my own, so my state
of darwinian fitness
(as god is my witness)
is seven points lower than ""great"".
"
"in no way is this self-adulation,
but i ponder my place in creation.
so, where do i stand?
while my life is not grand,
maybe egoism aids my salvation.
"
"my new thesis conveys erudition:
the topic concerns superstition.
some nervousness lingers
as, crossing my fingers,
i proffer this rash disquisition.
"
"a nondescript, cabbage-clan weed?
reserve judgement, and savor the seed
for its quality oil:
camelina will spoil
you for others; in time it may lead.
"
"the document, ""augsburg confession""
showed lutherans seeking secession.
their objective and hope
was to break with the pope,
shedding longstanding papal repression.
"
"we advanced from primordial slime;
it is likely we've now reached our prime.
homo sapiens?' lot
is an animal slot,
so as fauna we'll serve out our time.
"
"in plants, before skin becomes skin,
there's a meristem layer within.
the dermatogen issue
results in new tissue:
observe epidermis begin.
"
"the presence of black scurf disease
on potato is sure to displease.
this complaint parasitic,
although ectophytic
(external), demands expertise.
"
"on the back road, a truck, overloaded;
beneath it a culvert, corroded.
the drain pipe caves in,
so the truck driver's sin
caused collapse, and a roadbed eroded.
"
"this cap (the umbrella-like head
of a mushroom) has white over red.
the book says, ""narcotic"";
perhaps i'm neurotic,
but spooky reactions i dread.
"
"in times square it was put up on show,
sam shaw's photo of actress monroe.
it's a classic, first rate:
there she stands, on a grate,
showing leg with her dress all ablow.
"
"black scurf is a fungal condition
on spuds when in store. no emission
occurs on the skin,
but will surely begin
in the field, where it comes to fruition.
"
"at the rock garden club speaker's podium,
i am lauding the genus erodium.
the perennial kinds
are all excellent finds.
oh, the annual? that could be odium.
"
"here's the  maple, the tree that we tap
for its exudate?that is, the sap.
once it's boiled to slow flow,
it's poured out on clean snow:
making taffy each spring is a snap.
"
"we're first nation. too late to appease.
no more promises, here comes the squeeze.
we demand our autonomy.
screw the economy?
we can bring this land to its knees.
"
"now you're part of the communal roost;
i will see that you're well introduced
to the feeding technique
that ensures a full beak.
stick with me kid, i'll give you a boost.
"
"chinese silk plant? remember one thing:
it is much less like silk, than like string.
named boehmeria nivea,
it's (here is more trivia)
nettle-like, yes, but no sting.
"
"in orchards of valleys and hills,
armillaria mellea kills.
it causes disease
on the roots of some trees?
giving orchardists multiple chills.
"
"adoxography: words that give praise
where not due. just imagine a phrase,
""i would rather stay dumb
than learn some, and become
perspicacious?with uppity ways.""
"
"now encaged in her mansion, she's cold;
her great beauty for treasure was sold.
with no love in her heart,
was it really that smart
to have married the geezer for gold?
"
"as to carrot diseases, one case is
the fungus that leaves ugly traces.
it's cavity spot;
you may see it a lot.
there are roots that are patterned like faces.
"
"there are versatile types of bacteria
called facultative. yes, son, i hear ya.
thrive with air, thrive without,
that's what these are about.
what? you don't want 'em anywhere near ya?
"
"lots of fauna, including our race,
may be studied in time or in space.
and such records, faunistic
(unlike those, floristic)
show most creatures move place to place.
"
"your external ear border looks queer,
projecting straight up. to be clear,
it's regressive, in that
it's not rolled, but quite flat,
and it's known as darwinian ear.
"
"entomophilous plants stand to gain
from the insects, who cannot abstain
from the pollen. their need
leads to fertilized seed?
now awaiting the next decent rain.
"
"so, we don't trust the church; what to do?
let the state oversee and review.
in a present day sense,
i am not on the fence:
an erastian, i, through and through.
"
"whether sap, or it's blood that they seek,
all true bugs use a certain technique:
special mouth parts first puncture
and shoot. at this juncture,
they suck the mix back through their beak.
"
"cytospora canker of spruce
may be caused by neglect or abuse.
put a tree under stress,
it could soon be a mess.
unawareness is little excuse.
"
"there are decticous pupae: they chew
with their newly formed mandibles (two).
but the adecticous kind
are not that way designed:
can such pupae then chew? no can do.
"
"the boy, edward the fifth assumed power;
two months later the whole thing turned sour.
with his brother he waited,
but both were ill fated:
defenceless, they died in the tower.
"
"your carrots in storage will mold
if the cottony soft rot takes hold.
to a major degree
sanitation is key?
and a temperature suitably cold.
"
"arthrobotrys, at times, produce snares
that trap roundworms much thinner than hairs.
as the hyphae are cinched
the wee creatures are pinched,
taking nematodes quite unawares.
"
"world livestock equates to pollution.
from barsac, proposed diminution:
reassess what you eat;
cut way down on the meat.
given time, you'll enjoy substitution.
"
"evaluation is sometimes a pain,
such assessments are not always plain:
grading this against that
(this one's thin, that one's fat)
is a drain on my overstressed brain.
"
"ethylene gives plants a boost;
it's a hormone, in nature produced.
it's in every last cell,
but how can flora tell
when it's time for the stuff to be loosed?
"
"weak king edward was charmed by despenser
the younger; things got even tenser.
the self-exiled queen
came back home to convene
britain's nobles?the end we must censor.
"
"why was little boy blue found supine?
he was indolent, lacked rise-and-shine.
""idle, faineant kid,
blow your horn as you're bid!""
""nah, i'm resting. i'll have to decline.""
"
"so, the merchant said he'd reimburse
me in bitcoin. like, what could be worse?
for transactions online
some may think it works fine?
me? i'll opt for cold cash in my purse.
"
"in full sail, with a brisk southern breeze,
the swift caravel slowed to a freeze.
clenching fish hold on tight
to the hull, hence the plight:
echeneis, a myth of the seas.
"
"ornamental, with smooth and thin bark,
are the beech trees you find in the park.
carved by folks without smarts
are initials and hearts.
trunks are scarred, there's a permanent mark.
"
"for the nectar the flowers provide,
comes the bird that will not be  denied.
the bananaquit's bill
can do run-of-the-mill?
or will pierce, for a fill, through the side.
"
"on an impulse, i flew to albania
but, once there, longed for old transylvania.
my whole life i am squandering,
aimlessly wandering.
diagnosed: ecdemomania.
"
"a monk, a devout augustinian,
saw an infant (by chance, carthaginian)
grasp a bar, hang suspended.
monastic life ended?
""good god! it's the reflex, darwinian!""
"
"pretty boxes, like hearts, on display ?
all are cordately outlined ? convey,
""dear, my heart beats for you,
everlastingly true.""
(to impress, what's the least i may pay?)
"
"we're now camped by the deep, icy loch,
near fanglomerate rock, and take stock.
picture this, if you can:
an alluvial fan,
now compressed to a concrete-like block.
"
"an insect does not have a thigh.
it has legs, so you might wonder why.
instead, there by proxy,
are segments called coxae?
the ""femurs"" you'd find on a fly.
"
"so, botanical nomenclature tames
all those common old regional names.
carl linnaeus was wise
when he moved to revise
to binomials ? such were his aims.
"
"are all plants of one family true mates?
maybe not, but they do share some traits.
phylogenic research
now appears to besmirch
some assumptions, which triggers debates.
"
"the calyptra deserves recognition:
in mosses, a cap in position
on capsules?those stores
of a myriad spores
still awaiting their widespread emission.
"
"the cottony cushion scale sucks,
hurting citrus trees. happily luck's
on the orchardist's side:
the bad insect can't hide
from the ladybug?saving big bucks.
"
"she will talk her way into a pickle;
turn around, and that pondering chick'll
excogitate schemes
on some alternate themes?
and, convincingly, not appear fickle.
"
"""it's a falciform leaf, but i can't
quite remember the name of the plant.
like a scythe,"" i observed,
""the shape's narrow and curved,
therefore, falcate."" ""don't swear,"" said my aunt.
"
"he's the king the uk never had:
prince eddy. immoral? a tad.
lived life fast, relished fashion;
at heart he'd compassion.
died young of the fever. how sad.
"
"i've a potting soil mix, it's right grand:
one third each of good loam, peat and sand.
there's one finishing touch
that i can't stress too much?
the admixture of bonemeal as planned.
"
"as masons our undying pledge is
to work to perfection twelve edges,
and shape basic rock
to an ashlar: a block
that, when fitted, will not call for wedges.
"
"aef, that ubiquitous source
of electrical stimulant force,
works on plant growth direction,
thus causing deflection.
electrotropism: changing the course.
"
"young louisa, she married a duke.
he died. was that marriage a fluke?
no, another duke came;
they were wed ? hence the name
""double duchess."" (no cause for rebuke.)
"
"so, collateral chorisis means
that some floral and leaf parts of beans?
and others you know?
are divided and grow
side by side. it's all there in their genes.
"
"dissipation of energy flow
is accomplished by baffles. they slow
down the effluent stream:
a partitioning scheme
to collect heavy solids below.
"
"simply water, absorbable, free:
it's the chresard, and used by the tree.
but, when bound in the earth,
it's the echard; its worth
to the tree is not easy to see.
"
"it's so easy, just clap; it's a snap.
light go on, lights go off when i clap.
but they also turn off
or turn on when i cough,
send this clapper switch off. it's just scrap.
"
"not a bulb, nor a root, it's a corm:
for all crocuses, that is the norm.
this swollen stem-base
is the food-storage place?
so, next spring, the whole plant may re-form.
"
"it's a smoothly carved stick, on a string,
whittled down round the edge like a wing.
when you swing it around
it will spin out a sound:
it's a bullroarer. hear the thing sing.
"
"abiotic and biotic flow
together make all systems go.
environmentology
(a branch of biology)
demonstrates things we should know.
"
"bitter pit is an apple condition:
brown marks mar the fruit at fruition.
now this calcium lack
has messed up teacher's snack?
undermining my favoured position.
"
"sure, this communal roost is protection
for some. but on careful reflection,
perched here in left field
i am hardly concealed?
pardon me if i opt for defection.
"
"hey, i took an assessment today.
personality-wise i'm okay.
from a short questionnaire
i completed with care,
myers-briggs thinks i'm istj.
"
"i suspect that this bedspread is fady;
the bed should be moved where it's shady.
let's keep it bright red:
don't need pinky instead,
because one thing i'm not is a lady.
"
"with this wood carving, no hint of guile:
check the marks of the blade and the file,
which confirm it's hand made.
sure, he's good at his trade,
and the facture shows folk art's his style.
"
"bacterial soft rot may smell,
and turn plant tissue black; we know well
that a cut or a bruise
invites putrefied ooze?
hostile enzymes react on each cell.
"
"""in your thesis"" observed the head dean,
""you have bean-shaped (page three, line thirteen).
try to sound more abstruse;
here's a chance to let loose
the word fabiform. see what i mean?""
"
"with spermatophytes, one thing i know:
they have seed leaves when starting to grow.
cotyledonous seeds
serve to furnish the  needs
of the seedling; a start they bestow.
"
"crack the code, and i could make a mint.
all i need is a tiny wee hint.
the clitoria vine
holds a signature sign,
but the book says it's not fit to print.
"
"""why the tubes near the boiler? i'm stumped.""
""the economizer takes water pumped
to absorb the waste heat
from the flue gas."" ""that's neat!
latent energy shouldn't be dumped.""
"
"the mackenzie is spanned! here we go
out from yellowknife, 'cross the deh cho.
now there's less isolation:
this bridge's creation
provides a new link to and fro.
"
"the speckle-winged moth, the engrailed,
due to habitat change, was unveiled.
then survival selection
meant lesser detection
with suitable wing-markings. nailed!
"
"entomophaga: tachina flies
(parasitic) start life in their prize?
some poor arthropod host,
which will shortly be toast
and consumed well beyond its demise.
"
"this centunculus, here by the brook,
is a plant that you could overlook
unless seeking it out.
this mere annual sprout
avows primula kin. check the book.
"
"but the brown pine was never a pine.
who so named it would fain reassign
podocarpus elatus.
you want to debate us?
we'll take you all on. get in line.
"
"carneiro developed a theory:
circumscription. his thesis (i'm leery),
cites farming and war,
population, and more?
such as state evolution. quite eerie.
"
"amphitropical species with ease
move with currents, or some with a breeze.
skipping 'cross the equator
to, sooner or later,
establish themselves overseas.
"
"could it be that old clock fabrication
included engrailed indentation
of works? recognition
of concave dentition
will wind up this timely summation.
"
"two aristate antennae you'll find
on this fly; to that task you're assigned.
each antenna is where
there's a bristlelike hair.
check aristae; note placement and kind.
"
"the new roadworks advisement has clout;
adding  aprons is what it's about.
on the culvert's a fin
easing water-flow in,
and a second one easing flow out.
"
"i love legumes, the family of peas
and their kin, whether small plants or trees.
many beans i adore, so
think ""fab"" only more so:
fabaceous?remembered with ease.
"
"we were women, now famous, all five.
we had vision, and courage, and drive.
we all questioned the law:
we were persons! what's more,
we encouraged all women to strive.
"
"atmospheric electrical field:
it's a force of our globe that may yield
a push-pull on plant roots,
sway direction of shoots?
one more wonder of nature revealed.
"
"every mournful abandoned abode
came to grief in the village of dode.
the black death was then rife,
but today there's new life:
it's a wedding locale ? la mode.
"
"to achieve the results i desired,
i studied till thoroughly tired.
such elucubration
bore naught but frustration;
i'll rest now until i'm inspired.
"
"it's a mishmash, a hodgepodge cross-section:
a farraginous, random collection
of art a la carte.
tell me, how do i start
to arrange it? i need some direction.
"
"where the river meets up with the tide
euryhaline-type crabs feed and ride
as they go with the flow?
salt or fresh h2o.
either way, they take all in their stride.
"
"an obsolete word, namely, ewt,
got transposed from ""an ewt"" to ""a newt"".
that is what we now call
that amphibian small
and aquatic?the new word took root.
"
"starlings roost at the end of the day:
there's some safety in numbers, they say.
the dilution effect
means each bird may expect,
for the predator, more choice of prey.
"
"here's how fabian earned definition:
quintus fabius fought by attrition.
without confrontation,
or hero's ovation,
one roman sank hannibal's mission.
"
"boil the poppy heads well, and then strain;
add the sugar?voil?!  no more pain.
diacodium might
ease arthritis all right,
but what's gained if it blights the old brain?
"
"turning knobs, for the handicapped hand,
can be awkward; now levers are planned
for an aging vancouver:
their latest maneuver
sees doorknobs officially banned.
"
"alex colville, an artist in paint,
rendered passion with careful constraint.
he achieved wide acclaim
dot by dot, made his name
with rare paintings suggestive of plaint.
"
"the low earth pea was frequently found
in west africa, pods underground.
although seeds hard as blazes,
the crop garners praises.
hot places? the best pea around.
"
"to the conifers barely related,
we are cycads, and notably dated
to times mesozoic.
today we are stoic,
but too oft found in properties gated.
"
"""i could purchase your property cheap,
if i bulldozed your house to a heap
and scattered your midden.""
""such deeds are forbidden.
your place i would never estrepe.""
"
"so, in cross-ply the tire walls are stiffer;
the radial-ply clearly differ:
their flexible ply
is a sensible buy?
good for roads with a hairpin or cliffer.
"
"doctor's lady, designed for the prude,
is a small figurine in the nude.
patients point to the place
on the doll. no lost face:
the real lady may never be viewed.
"
"in the forest, as winter draws near,
lo, the call of a bellowing deer.
again, hear it swelling,
the antlered stag's belling
for hinds 'cross the frosty frontier.
"
"there are pea species, wouldn't you know,
that don't follow the old status quo:
when it comes to their pods
they will double their odds ?
growing some in the soil below.
"
"these herbarium plants, a collection
of alpines, are here for inspection.
exsiccatae, well pressed,
provide some of the best
of dry records, when made to perfection.
"
"the term euroky: quick to adapt.
the term stenoky: options are capped.
this tolerance scale
is the new holy grail
when a species range needs to be mapped.
"
"the cliftonia grow to small trees,
a ways up from the florida keys.
in the springtime they bloom
with a gentle perfume?
and the bee-keepers pleasure their bees.
"
"with skilled engineering ability
she plans bridges: big spans of utility.
these large public works
earn her multiple perks?
and, perhaps, all her colleagues' civility.
"
"in my pond i've a giant pet fish;
arapaima grows more than you'd wish.
now it's brought us both fame?
it and i weigh the same:
equiponderate. bring the big dish!
"
"it would hardly attract much attention
at a fossil-fish vegas convention
except for its teeth
(fangs above and beneath),
which make enchodus worthy of mention.
"
"different entities, to an extent,
may look similar. each of them went
through great change, and evolved:
the same problems were solved
via parallel lines of descent.
"
"ericales: plant order. i'll state
that the families included are eight.
that's the cronquist conclusion.
look further? confusion,
or (worse) a long-winded debate.
"
"it's a process one has to admire:
the oak appears dead after fire.
yet beneath mature bark,
epicormic buds spark
latent stems. no, the tree won't expire.
"
"tepid beer? no, i'd soon have my fill.
in the fridge there's a pil put to chill.
with the cans put on ice,
they will surely entice.
(out at camp there's a cool-running rill.)
"
"these structures called dissipators stand
in the waterworks system; they're planned
to reduce the full force
of the storm runoff course.
they achieve all this, largely, unmanned.
"
"""bifoliolate? say again?""
""said of leaflets just numbering twain.
with but one leaf to view,
we observe leaflets, two.
you looked stunned, so i had to explain.""
"
"what's bifoliate? (bi is the clue):
when speaking of foliage, two.
so, for those keeping score
that's two leaves and no more?
and for most plants that's many too few.
"
"the wagon must sink, it would seem,
in the ruts by the course of the stream.
but, to aid our transition,
a cockhorse addition
lends force to the struggling team.
"
"people saw, in the monocot clade,
the fair iris, its leaf shape displayed
like a weapon of war:
a resemblance it bore
to a sword. it's an ensiform blade.
"
"though it may, or may not, pose a smell,
acid gas should not be where folks dwell.
co2, h2s:
of these two, we need less;
let us sweeten this well product well.
"
"come to edmonton, ever renowned
as the place with a slogan profound:
here's the ""gate"" to equate
to a transitive state?
a short wait for the north-country bound.
"
"ab: used on mail known as ""snail,""
finds alberta by air/road (not rail).
land of oil, cattle, farms,
and the rockies' great charms,
it's a province of beauty and scale.
"
"this ""lily"" may cut itself free;
its stem may be moved a to b.
and most crinoids today
are less likely to stay,
but freely, they move through the sea.
"
"it can pump itself up to a sphere,
raising spines, with each one like a spear.
though the diodon fish
may be very delish,
it is poisonous too, so i hear.
"
"common yarrow has morphed its condition
'cross a wide geographic transition.
these plants form one cline
among those we assign
to a species with broad definition.
"
"the fern leaf, beneath, is so much
like a fuzzy brown mat to the touch;
almost nothing compares
to those dense felty hairs
of acrostichoid sori, and such.
"
"look at insects as blessing and curse:
they spread pollen; disease they disperse.
such creatures, entomic,
have great economic
importance?for better or worse.
"
"no dispute, armoracia root?
coarse and white, and of pungent repute?
is the radish called ""horse""
found in sauces, of course.
it's a condiment many salute.
"
"the entomopathogen clan
includes fungi. as part of the plan
fungus enters an ant,
(which gets locked on a plant)
then sprouts out from said ant, if it can.
"
"my name adorns gemstones and rings.
it's on ornaments ? all such fine things.
the dactylioglyph (name)
is my access to fame
and the income engraving work brings.
"
"its shape, an elongated stub:
it's eruciform, more than a grub;
it's an eater-in-chief,
hard at work on that leaf.
its objective? to finish the shrub.
"
"where's the princess? oh my! what a shame
she missed seeing the place that became
the new prosperous land
called alberta: that grand
western province adopted her name.
"
"if your company suffers malaise,
first appraise, then, to staff, evince ways
to project that you care:
they'll do more than their share.
this discretionary energy pays.
"
"""your flute playing's hard to endure,""
she complained, ""but i think there's a cure.""
she said, ""ted, go ahead,
try it end-blown instead,
just forget that transverse embouchure.""
"
"this apple was nice as mutsu.
yet, for westerners, that wouldn't do.
chose a name less inscrutable;
crispin's more suitable?
(that name i'll firmly eschew.)
"
"baseball's aaron would grab the bat tight.
though right-handed, his left above right
set a cross-handed stance
that looked wrong at first glance,
yet that grip launched the ball's mighty flight.
"
"mass defoliants, warfare has shown,
can lay waste to a forested zone.
decades pass; what comes back
from that orange attack?
one tough grass has regrown, it's cogon.
"
"our cranium's finite dimension
expanded with one great invention:
first thoughts chipped in stone.
writing's mightily grown?
and the brain's gained a vital extension.
"
"for type 2 diabetes they plug
the seducing biguanide type drug
called metformin. but me?
from such meds i'll stay free:
lifetime habits i'll change. call me smug.
"
"a snow grader will come and start grading
our street. it's called neighbourhood blading.
so, i'd best move my truck,
or i'll soon be left stuck
behind windrows ? i don't need persuading.
"
"when my editor gets too uptight
over format, i'm not one to fight.
but i'll always give voice
to my personal choice
anent style ? my authorial right.
"
"my new tract, which i hope will attract,
tells how creatures and stuff interact.
it's called ""biocenosis:
is this symbiosis?""
with fancy and facts it is stacked.
"
"in germany's formative phase,
von bismarck earned censure and praise:
each cunning alliance
gained further compliance.
hail otto's bismarckian ways.
"
"the gift of electrolocation
is used in defense and predation.
be it passive or active,
this sense is attractive?
claim fishes with this adaptation.
"
"megalithic the structure; one room.
ancient dolmen: designed as a tomb?
three uprights, one slab
for the roof. all prefab?
they were fun to construct, i presume.
"
"now enmeshed in this tangled exotic,
 i'm beginning to feel idiotic.
fanwort's holding me down,
 and i fear i may drown
 in cabomba, a fine-leaved aquatic.
"
"all those pigweed and goosefoot relations
cast doubt on my gourmet creations.
yet the atriplex genes
yield some health-giving greens ?
garden orach, and lesser temptations.
"
"take evapo plus trans and spiration:
together, a one-word formation.
this big climate-shaper
means ""water to vapor"" ?
from land, sea and all vegetation.
"
"""is it lance-shaped in outline?"" ""not quite.""
""then would oval describe it?"" ""it might,
but this leaf could be seen
as one somewhere between.""
""elliptic-lanceolate?"" ""clearly, that's right!""
"
"the great white is a creature predacious,
yet has sensitive tubes, ampullaceous:
this feature, genetic,
 electromagnetic,
makes locating stuff efficacious.
"
"they go bolving (that's belling) for deer
on exmoor. the contest is clear:
people holler and roar,
but what price their high score
if a stag butts them hard in the rear?
"
"oh, i say, take that fruit bowl away
from this sensitive floral bouquet;
nearby apples, alas,
emit ethylene gas?
which would hasten the flowers' decay.
"
"now the plants known as goosefoot are bumped;
with the amaranths now they are lumped.
the new apg plan
for this chenopod clan
has them transferred. the reason? i'm stumped.
"
"tell me, where did chrysanthemum go?
potted mum, lovely gift, good to show.
they say plant-guys re-named it:
they rashly proclaimed it
dendranthema. why? i don't know.
"
"some reforms cause political storms,
thus upsetting free enterprise norms.
ccf taught its group
all the socialist poop?
education takes multiple forms.
"
"this canuck had a mission, a flame
for democracy, fairness his aim.
soon his medicare scheme
became more than a dream:
tommy douglas earned well his acclaim.
"
"remember the young and the old,
advised coldwell. his colleagues were sold
on the socialist way:
needy folks got their pay
through his government policy bold.
"
"it's a pavement-like limestone display
called the burren, by south galway bay.
all those criss-crossing cracks,
an obstruction to tracks,
are a haven for plants in array.
"
"the amaranth family, now
it's expanded, is wondering how
all those goosefoots and kin
will react, and fit in.
it's a shock to those plants, i'll allow.
"
"in professional wrestling, persuading
the crowd that i'm hurt takes some blading.
so, i cut on my head
with a blade, so that red
blends with sweat, and my vision's soon fading.
"
"when committees meet up to confect
their ideas to one aim, i expect
them to find middle ground.
far too often i've found
that the best plans are those they reject.
"
"through recessions and wars, lives were blighted;
lord beveridge's fix, deemed far-sighted,
planned cradle-to-grave
social welfare to save
the great masses. not all were delighted.
"
"ice down in the ground makes it shake;
my home rattles, there's noise like a quake.
with fast temperature drops
there are booms, bangs and pops:
these cryoseisms shock me awake.
"
"ccf party, born of recession,
was a socialist form of expression.
with free enterprise dead,
and reform in its stead,
it would offer the workers progression.
"
"arthur calwell was hardly polite.
australia, he thought, should be white.
europeans? yes please,
but malays or chinese?
multi-racial just didn't feel right.
"
"forage radishes aid reclamation
of soil, with their root penetration.
once they rot there, in place,
they leave vertical space;
biodrilling starts soil granulation.
"
"lovely cherry tree blossoms, en masse,
are a joy to behold but, alas,
they're fugacious ? don't stay.
see them falling away,
fugaciously, down to the grass.
"
"think base temperature. that is a key.
also growing degrees. hear my plea:
select suitable crops;
check when growth starts and stops ?
then you'll see when your harvest might be.
"
"shedding branches from trees make a mess.
cladoptosis: reaction to stress?
reproduction? self pruning?
or simply fine tuning?
it's a topic i'd like to address.
"
"plant aruncus: this goat's beard will please.
once established it lives on with ease.
creamy plumes (like astilbe)
in summertime will be
undoubtedly buzzing with bees.
"
"if a cutting is what you procure
when no seed is at hand, then you're sure
that your struck propagation
ensures your creation
stays (mostly) genetically pure.
"
"here's the drainage hole; roots will not rot.
now, with crocks (for i use what i've got)
i part cover the hole
for good drainage control.
did you guess it? i'm crocking my pot.
"
"this old rose bush is hard to ignore,
now it's smothered in flowers galore:
floriferous indeed,
but how did it succeed?
it was sparse in its flowering before.
"
"my prize peonies, once trouble free,
now show bud blast. i didn't foresee
that my hopes would be thwarted:
some blossoms aborted?
dry buds, but the size of a pea.
"
"each fine leaf of the maidenhair tree
takes the shape of a fan, as you see.
while this flabellate form
does depart from the norm,
it exhibits some flair, you'll agree.
"
"with an oversize thirst to allay,
i will quaff down this great ipa.
because hops helps the flavor
i'm able to savor
a taste that's in favor today.
"
"it seems agroecology's field
is too broad to be fully revealed.
it requires innovations
in multiple nations?
and philosophies not quite congealed.
"
"toxic products may offer temptation:
abuse includes deep inhalation.
a bitterant addition
will curb that ambition?
how bitter, that thwarted sensation.
"
"we rely on high tech. a mistake?
when it fails there's no choice: take a break.
functionality matters!
before it all shatters,
have safeguards baked into the cake.
"
"i'm not into that stuff any more.
twice the effort; my back gets so sore.
spading down, deeper yet?
is it worth all that sweat?
double digging: an outdated chore?
"
"when i queried an ag statistician,
""will my corn crop survive to fruition?""
he said, ""kindly peruse
and then use gdus;
they will help you accomplish your mission.""
"
"general franco, dictator of spain,
embarked on a fascist campaign.
all right-leaning factions
defended his actions?
which, clearly, were far from humane.
"
"good friable soil's best of all.
test a handful: you squeeze a tight ball
of moist earth in one piece,
then massage to release:
now the texture of breadcrumbs should fall.
"
"she has left for a dangerous place,
and i pray for her fingers and face.
there's a chance she'll escape
with no more than a scrape
and cut stems ? if she leaves there apace.
"
"when a farm worker, out in the field,
finds an insect pest newly revealed,
that's a biofix time;
opportunity's prime
to count heat units. bug's fate now sealed!
"
"what's this smooth, powdered fungus you've brought us?
acremonium? dear, that's so not us!
put it down! you could get
mycetoma, my pet.
oh, that madura foot might well rot us!
"
"brede is archaic, a noun
for ""embroidery, braid"" ? and a town
(okay, village) near rye
in east sussex. that's why
rumer godden has brede in her crown.
"
"annelida: thousands of worms,
all muscular tubes with the squirms.
they like dampness, not dust;
segmentation's a must;
and some thrive without ova or sperms.
"
"for most color-blind people, a bright
crimson bloom and its foliage might
both appear the same hue
but retain color, too,
while for achromats, life's black-and-white.
"
"the bra, or brassiere, is a brace
for the breasts. some are satin and lace.
while functional cotton
may soon be forgotten,
a few frills start a memory trace.
"
"though the ewes were most lightsome and lissome,
old sam wasn't minded to kiss 'em.
""that's for humans,"" said sam.
""i'm a baattering ram
who must rut while my blossoms are blissom.""
"
"a brioche (a light roll, rich with butter
and eggs) sets my taste buds aflutter.
who could harden her heart
to this baker's high art
but an anti-cholesterol nutter?
"
"in the ocean (but not in the pond)
lives the clown fish, who's fervently fond
of actinia. still,
he pretends there's a chill:
""sea anemone? she's just a frond.""
"
"good bookbinding's truly an art.
but a human-skin binding's apart
from the rest. makes me squirm. ick ?
such anthropodermic
bibliopegy's well off the chart.
"
"b. thuringiensis (bt)
is a germ that won't hurt you or me,
but a bollworm's thin guts
it'll rip into ruts,
which is why all my cotton's ge.
"
"i wish you would give me a nickel
for each time that i've said i'm not fickle.
my heart never stirs
without beating, ""i'm yours.""
but yours is so terribly brickle.
"
"my stitchery art on the wall
runs from a (five feet high) to z (small).
most letters i'll do;
the thirteenth i eschew
'cause i will not m broider at all.
"
"my sweetheart, ineffable johnny,
is neither well-favored nor brawny.
but his humor and books
trump big muscles and looks.
as i see him, he's thoroughly bonny.
"
"george poulton composed ""aura lee,""
with words by bill fosdick. but me,
""love me tender,"" i croon
when i sing that old tune,
because florid just isn't my key.
"
"that foolish coyote can't crack me,
though he constantly tries to attack me
with anvils and kits
that explode into bits.
i'm the best, ne plus ultra, and acme.
"
"academics may claim that the rabble
are sunk into babble and gabble.
but at least all us gits
don't just sit and pick nits.
the less sense, the more noisy the brabble.
"
"low basses sing deep as the seas
while tenors hold melody's keys.
the altos aspire
to notes that are higher.
sopranos superior? please!
"
"my bongos are antelopes. kudu
are, too, but the kudu don't moo. do
you think your hip skins
are the limit? (she grins.)
well, i've got bigger bongos than you do!
"
"braciola: cheap meat, pounded fine;
take breadcrumbs and herbs, and combine
them as stuffing. enfold
it in meat. once it's rolled,
truss it up, and then braise it in wine.
"
"if you're feeling like filling your belly,
anolini are pasta (tortelli).
the anole, a lizard,
may grace a bird's gizzard,
but rarely a kitchen or deli.
"
"hey, teacher, i need a vacation
and a wordbook that's geared to my station.
i looked up carphology.
without an apology,
it gave me one word: floccillation.
"
"the collards and kale laid a plot:
""the breakout's at five; bulls are bought.""
the carrots and beets
made it out to the streets,
but cops collared the greens on the spot.
"
"the thallus of fucus is burned
to smoke fish on some islands, or turned
and plowed under the dirt
so potatoes are fert-
ilized. bladderwrack's not to be spurned!
"
"when canoodling in a canoe,
serenade her without your kazoo.
a loud kazoo chorus
is never canorous ?
she'll dump you right there in the slough.
"
"the rummy old crank at the factory
is well tempered with grog, and refractory.
so's the finest crank clay
that i use every day,
as it fires unwarped and uncracked for me.
"
"at college, i studied a heap
in agronomy. shorted on sleep,
i thought, ""ages ago,
one had only to know
'agriculture: just weed it and reap.'""
"
"a biddable biddy from leeds
was blissfully bidding her beads.
""bide a wee,"" said the bishop,
""be blessed ? take this fish up,
and bake it. my belly has needs.""
"
"returned from the wars with his sight-hounds,
the huntsman let slip both the light hounds
and heavy. the larger
cringed close by the charger.
the small coursed for coursers, the bright hounds!
"
"i believe i've compounded and sent all
the pink inks to jenn's gentle dental.
it was geisel-i-am
ordered green inks and ham.
(pause for praise to my muse, atramental.)
"
"what, say, backwards going words got?
got words going backwards? say what?
to quote dr. dystrophy,
""that is antistrophe ?
dancing with words. and why not?""
"
"fritz lifted a flexible, glossed,
sticky substance, and carelessly tossed
it. it sank with a gloop.
i yelled, ""portable soup!
fine beef concentrate! now it is lost!""
"
"want a blowsy, red platter-sized bloom
or a yellow that doesn't presume?
want it lavender? white?
red and orange? that's right ?
have a dahlia (alas, no perfume).
"
"these mexican plants, short and tall,
all are named after swede anders dahl.
grown from tuber or seed,
they need nitrogen feed
when they bloom in late summer and fall.
"
"we needed more water to sell,
so we buried a tank in the dell
and bought bottles aplenty
(twelve thousand and twenty)
as well as a pump and a well.
"
"an irrational number's a surd.
so are consonants found in a word
such as ticket or shy
(but not bigger or guy).
so why is much nonsense absurd?
"
"we physicists, wasting no erg, all
spent a lazy day fishing with fergal.
we were left in the lurch
by those thieving blue perch
known as chogset and cunner. oh, burgall.
"
"""the pirates are running, god rot 'em.
run the bow-chaser out. when we've caught 'em,""
said the captain, most stern,
""they've a lesson to learn,
so we'll give 'em a slap on the bottom.""
"
"for language that's inopportune
in the text of a printed cartoon,
the artist has picked a
few @%! maledicta
to fill up the speaker's balloon.
"
"i can read, watch my hair grow more bushy,
trim my nails ? to find work that's more cushy
you must search far and wide.
and the only bad side?
well, my backside is growing more squshy.
"
"if you irk me, i'll simply deploy a
russell's viper (in hindi, daboia).
first your blood starts to clot
in your veins, then it's not
even clottable. that'll annoy ya.
"
"as our quarrels grew fraught and then fraughter
and we both were half-minded for slaughter,
my double-x issue
exclaimed, through her tissue,
""oh, mom ? weren't you ever a daughter?""
"
"a contentious old monk from tibet
could always find reason to fret.
he dipped his phalanges
a smidge in the ganges
and muttered, ""this river's too wet.""
"
"here's a hound with incredible moxie:
the wiener dog, dachshund or dachsie.
send him into a sett
for a badger? no sweat.
he will stick to the beast like epoxy.
"
"when peasants dropped by at their cottage,
philemon and baucis shared pottage.
their generous board
prompted zeus thunder-lord
to spare them his torrents and wattage.
"
"dandie dinmont's a terrier breed
built for rugged endurance, not speed.
it's a ratter bar none,
with an eye out for fun.
frou-frou fur hides a will to succeed.
"
"his carriage is certainly striking:
he strides down the hall like a viking,
his posture's erect
and his gaze is direct.
his looking is much to my liking.
"
"the cyclops's eye's black or red,
near the top of its gray or green head.
from its mouth to its furca
it's tiny ? say, circa
ten to the inch. it's widespread.
"
"last winter, paul's  prospects were farin'
quite well ? he was heir to a baron.
a bill of attainder
has left no remainder
of title or dad. paul's despairin'.
"
"this crystal has prominent cleavage,
but flat ? not the sort you believage.
bring those thoughts to a halt!
this is cubic, like salt.
(dirty minds! this geologist's peevidge.)
"
"with the dark lantern shuttered (a slit
at an edge let us see just a bit),
we stole out, keeping mum,
smuggling brandy and rum ?
lud! the excise-men might as well quit.
"
"with her herbal in hand, my great-aunt
said, ""get leaves from that ambercup plant.""
i don't want to be odious,
but it's acanthopodious ?
without better gloves, i just can't.
"
"brand-name authors are writers who'd sell
even though they might stop writing well.
brand-name products have names
that are trademarked. court claims
for infringement are no bagatelle.
"
"aborad.  none but a nerd
would have heard of this weird little word.
it's no typo, ignored,
for abroad or aboard,
but ""away from the mouth"".  how absurd!
"
"the auditor goes without sleep
to pore through my records and peep
at whether my cola
has boosted my whole a-
ssessed tax ? yes, the dread bracket creep.
"
"in the morning, it never surprises
the doctor when blood glucose rises.
""it's far from uncommon"" (yawn) ?
""called 'dawn phenomenon.'
""insulin up,"" he advises.
"
"the hunting guide gave a harangue:
""let three-, four- and five-pointers hang!
the big ones are wary,
so hold your shot, harry ?
you'll get far more buck for the bang.""
"
"people keep saying i'm funny,
so i'll be a clown.  dad says, ""honey,
now listen to me ?
get a clowning degree,
'cause cheerupadists get all the money.""
"
"put a coin in that giz in our attic
and it spits out a statement that's vatic
(prophetic) in verse
truly pithy and terse.
it's our grandmother's apothegmatic.
"
"during hernia sutures last spring,
the doc lost his blackberry thing.
he felt pretty blue
and i knew i could sue
when i heard that abdominal ring.
"
"when the cat got away from my granny
and hunted each nook and small cranny
for cats from kilkenny,
i said, ""there aren't any.
dinna fash yourself, lad, and ca' canny.""
"
"you have choler, good sir, to excess.
my spring lancet will let me address
that disorder. some seem
to prefer a sharp fleam
for my bloodletting. let us progress.
"
"in the dark, evil fortune supplied
wet cement poured in cubes, one foot wide,
just as long, just as high.
it turned suddenly dry.
off i clumped. ""cubic footage,"" i sighed.
"
"got my boat hitched behind my jalopy,
my float plan (my wife's got a copy),
my poles, baits ? and lights,
because evening to night's
the best time to go fishing for crappie.
"
"at the wake for old charlie o'hannigan,
the argument slowed, then began again.
though the priest called for quiet
it rose into riot:
a barney, a brawl, a fine brannigan.
"
"when we dated, we'd talk week to week,
and we'd dance hand in hand, beak to beak.
now we're wed. face to face
turns to fight, not embrace.
so we stand back to back, cheek to cheek.
"
"as the mouse chased some nuts (what a crock!)
hanging over his wheel, we took stock.
said the doc, with a frown,
""is that mouse running down?""
that's the hickory augury, doc.
"
"close your mouth while you chew. it is rude
to exhibit the state of your food
while it's ground and suffused
with your spit. you're excused.
no dessert. straight to bed. (yells ensued.)
"
"wrote ceres, ""no daughter is sweeter.
i couldn't find one better.""
she got back a critique:
""mom, your limerick's weak ?
it's deficient, de rhyme and de meter.""
"
"said demeter, ""my darlings and dearies,
here's my pitch: from the deeps to the aeries,
all species on earth
shall bear fruit and give birth.
now play ball!"" (she's the fecund world's ceres.)
"
"his knowledge of what fish'll eat'll
astound you ? he fished while still fetal.
his first lusty cries
were for trout-fishing flies
(and, for specks, a chartreuse sparkle beetle).
"
"an opossum, slimmed down, standing tall,
wearing lush, classy fur ? would you call
it a tiger? it's spotted
and speckled and dotted!
it's a dasyure, tiger cat, quoll.
"
"penelope's raking in dosh:
""for carved couples of carrots and squash ?
tasty intertwined nudity
(crudit?s crudity),
served in the raw ? naked nosh.""
"
"please come back to my workshops.  i yearn
for your pithy advice. help me learn.
i expound deep remorse
for my asinine course
and i abjectly beg your return.
"
"as i ponder, how clear it becomes:
ancient greeks didn't count on their thumbs.
every chiliarch's k,
though a thousand today,
came to ten-twenty-four by their sums.
"
"from the countryside to the medina,
women once had to rub semolina
into couscous. no more ?
it is bought at the store,
leaving time to learn other cucina.
"
"cawdor's thane and bold lady macbeth ?
cold conspirators plotting a death ?
to avoid being heard
as they softly conferred,
leaned so close they commingled their breath.
"
"sue's abdominal area was bloated,
so the docs tried ballottement.  they voted?
no, they prodded and poked,
and the action provoked
susie's organs to bob, since they floated.
"
"look, joe, get your festering mutt off
the raft while i'm working my butt off.
i've had all i can take
of this dull oxbow lake.
help me haul the thing out to the cut-off.
"
"there's many a tiny and twee
summer cottage that's called ""bide a wee.""
it can mean ""stay a spell"";
""time to wait, now,"" as well.
(some would say, ""hold your water."" not me.)
"
"the butterfly stroke ? shallow dive,
push the water, rear upward, and strive
not to overextend
and go flat at the end.
for a ribbon, you have to survive.
"
"what's that tongue-twister mean? i'm just beat.
""worse condition or quality.""  sweet!
they've culled deteriority
from the majority
of lexicons ? isn't that meet?
"
"he moved north from jamaica, i know,
and his taro, at first, wouldn't grow,
but this winter we spied,
in his garden, outside,
that he'd raised them?dasheen through the snow!
"
"who needs meerschaum or briar? advice
from the pros: ream a hole in a slice
from a corn cob (dried well),
add a stem, and we'll sell
corncob pipes at a tad of the price.
"
"two spoked wheels, a small seat and a chain,
and a frame make a bicycle: plain,
but effective. astride,
pushing pedals, you ride
till your bum says it's time to abstain.
"
"my ripping machine's on the rag
while my twins annoy, pester and nag,
""mama, spice up that yolk
with hot mustard."" some folk
just get deviled a lot. life's a drag.
"
"a crawfish ain't one to beat feet.
claws aloft, it proclaims, ""you're dead meat!""
to a cat or a duck
or a human or truck
in its way ? but the verb means ""retreat"".
"
"both were skilled and refined ? their delights
ran to intellect, art and hot nights.
but a concubine's life
was subordinate wife,
while a courtesan's lacked legal rights.
"
"it's in juniper, quayside and gender,
sometimes straight, sometimes down on a bender.
though kids know it better
as a tail on a letter,
it's officially called a descender.
"
"his knowledge of colors was loose.
the one that he thought was chartreuse
(that's a bright yellow-green)
was the shade of my spleen ?
what the color definers call puce.
"
"i defrosted some food that i'd friz
with a pre-programmed blast in my wiz
of a 'wave. free of ice,
it tastes fine ? have a slice!
but i still couldn't say what it is.
"
"the canoe is a narrow, light craft
that is pointed both forward and aft.
if you're stern, dammit, steer
or the vessel will veer
bank to bank, driving everyone daft.
"
"the pros were too prudish and weeny
to model his brand-new bikini.
so louis suggested
the lovely, full-chested
ecdysiast, m. bernardini.
"
"i'm a pacifist. therefore, by golly,
i'd find it the utmost in folly
to seek melee and riot
in love. strong but quiet,
my lad's brave and fine ? braw, not brawly.
"
"abstraction just wasn't appealing;
forms were recognized: much too revealing.
but he found with elation
the abstraction-creation
group's credo: shape. color. no feeling.
"
"if tangled in thorns, i suppose a
botanical sort might say, ""rosa!""
or ""smilax!"" my pliers
just yanked ""those (blank) briers!""
from briery scalp-a and toes-a.
"
"an alto is singing as low
as most women's voices will go.
but alto means high!
it is, for a guy.
and once, gal performer meant ho.
"
"""say, 'ah,'"" says the doc. from his coat
comes an otoscope (see author's note).
but a bronchoscope goes
as a tube through your nose,
for a look that's way down in your throat.
"
"school has too many evils to list 'em,
and there's no way a kid can resist 'em.
so i walk, holding hands
with that bully, steve lands,
because of the dumb buddy system.
"
"as a hooligan, he and his mates
hunted bishops, to piss on their pates.
but their lives took a lurch:
they went into the church,
and are archiepiscopate straights.
"
"an arbalest maker named gunn
was the castle's best lover, bar none.
but the gals got a chill
at his ""call me atil-
liator the crossbowman, hon.""
"
"to manage our new brasserie,
we require a business degree
and experience cooking.
""i was pumped up for looking,""
said the gauche and dyslexic trainee.
"
"one bears weapons. in plate or chain mail, he a-
ppears, never thinking of failure.
the other, a flower,
bedecks a maid's bower:
the difference between knight and dahlia.
"
"tolkien's books are about middle earth,
and i love 'em (whatever that's worth),
though his characters are,
by near and by far,
mostly male. but of females? a dearth!
"
"chambered nautilus ? jet-propelled belle
with huge eyes that don't see very well.
this critter is odd
for a cephalopod:
got no suckers, and swims in a shell.
"
"""he deceived me,"" sweet deborah brooded.
""when we met, malcolm simply exuded
understanding and heart;
now he rips me apart.
he plays mind games, and i've been deluded.""
"
"metabolian i didn't like?
quite a few that i'd tell, ""take a hike.""
insects ametabolian
keep their shape wholly, an'
still get my swatter's hard strike.
"
"limburgers, roqueforts and bries!
bring me cheddars and goudas ? oh, please!
but i'd rather eat blubber
than the gummy bland rubber
that's known as american cheese.
"
"cursorius cursor's a bird
of the deserts, which cover one-third
of the earth. but a lover
of swift, dashing plover-
like ""waders"" says asia's preferred.
"
"just because you're my elder, you deem
i should show you respect and esteem?
you duffer! my preference
is not to show deference
to those i don't see as supreme.
"
"a bacterium's not much to cuddle:
its ribosomes float in a puddle
of cellular goop.
there's one dna loop;
it's unbounded and all in a muddle.
"
"in physio class, my brain squirms
at those tongue-twisting medical terms.
the word cricopharyngeus
tangles my tingeus ?
i get tang-tungled ? aargh!  (next class: germs.)
"
"while sitting one night at the bong,
we were challenged to beer pong. the throng
rose at once to the dare.
but, alas, the room's air
soon stank with a rank used-beer pong.
"
"""you use them to bite and to grind.
orthodontics improve misaligned ...
what's that word?"" i exclaim.
but the problem's own name ?
that's aphasia ? comes right to my mind.
"
"the conductor looked over his glasses.
""i've given you plenty of passes
at this music ? about
ninety-nine. now sing out
and get your heads out of your masses.""
"
"""nerve impulses,"" said doc macdougal,
""whether sensory (hearing a bugle)
or motor (adjourn
and get out!)  take a turn
first axipetal, then axifugal.""
"
"charles ix was a sweet mama's boy
and his mama said, ""charlie, destroy
all the huguenots.""?""sure.""
he was mad, without cure,
and a whip was his favorite toy.
"
"""hubba-hubbas and rootie-toot-tooties!
hey, cutie-pies, show us your cutes!""
""it wasn't a leg you meant ?
you meant integument!
stripping ain't one of our duties.""
"
"king darius roared, ""little man! ye'll
pray to no one but me. lions, daniel!""
raging beasts tried to sup.
said the angel, ""shut up!""
and they did, cringing meek as a spaniel.
"
"cher, this racket in ditch and in pond
ain't ""aiee!"" or that old ""jolie blonde"",
but a great cajun chorus
of frogs. they ignore us ?
they're shouting for gals to respond.
"
"after fishing for roach in the stream,
i exulted, ""just look at my bream!""
my mentor was grim:
""you pronounce the word brim""
(his demeanor was somewhat extreme).
"
"with the taps dry on thousands of blocks, i'd
say no imports ? from train, truck or dockside ?
do as well as a well
in post-hurricane hell
at providing dihydrogen oxide.
"
"he's gone bonkers, his speech (not a cluck
but a hoarse, high-pitched quack) gone amuck:
""metric banana pests,
i detest anapests!""
and he's taken the name dactyl duck.
"
"if in bowls full of water you spy
other places or times, then you scry.
if you cry, ""that's obscene!""
you decry. shout ""baleen!""
from aloft, you descry from on high.
"
"it's the '50s. the circular skirt
is the rage. sew it ? easy and pert!
appliqu?, to be tony,
a poodle or pony.
now, gal, you're all ready to flirt!
"
"this tutor ? torchinsky's and bobo's ?
tooted tuba turns tight as an oboe's.
bill bell's ""stars and stripes,""
instead of shrill pipes,
had a pic obbligato ? low-blows.
"
"""consider the booger. you must
use discretion, my darling,"" he fussed
to his gorgeous young bride,
""when your mucus has dried,
or you'll never be thought upper-crust.""
"
"cyma recta ... now, children, behave!
no giggles! it means ""standing wave"" ?
the form of that molding
that johnny is holding,
like a long, slanting s (top concave).
"
"""smoothing plaster,"" said darby to joan,
""is a job i can do on my own
with this four-foot-long float
called a darby. please note
that this wall hides your brother's trombone.""
"
"""i'm so plastered,"" she cooed. southern belle
stretched out nude in the ritzy hotel,
bearing every motif
of the woven relief
on the deep aubergine brocatel.
"
"hear the musical clink of the glasses
as we toast bride and groom, wedding masses,
and life. hear the  clank
as we're locked in the tank ?
lurching home, we kerplunked on our asses.
"
"""ca' canny,"" said da, so i slowed
to avoid the dead cow in the road.
""ca' canny,"" at work
from the steward meant, ""shirk
just a bit. take two-thirds of a load.""
"
"a friend of mine once had a car
that could talk, though its diction was far
too precise. if a door
hadn't shut, it would roar,
""you cretin, a door is a jar.""
"
"if your fido's ""fidelio's song
ima teapot,"" now don't get me wrong,
but pound puppies, for me,
beat the whole akc
(that's american kennel club) throng.
"
"though it's smaller than infinitesimal,
without 0, computing in decimal ?
or base n (start with 2) ?
would be harder to do,
almost totally incomprehesimal.
"
"achritochromacy grieves
every color-blind person who weaves
through a garden's displays
but can only see grays,
so the flowers have hues like their leaves.
"
"the bradawl's the awl you would choose
to make holes for your brads or small screws.
for that job, it's the match ?
the shoemaker's, scratch,
and saddler's and scribe awl all lose.
"
"umbrella plant, bog rhubarb, cap-
dockin, butter-dock, bogshorns or flap-
perdock. all are the same ?
though for butterbur, fame
came as barliman, innkeeper chap.
"
"breeks, knickers, plus-fours ? what great riches
of words meaning ""breeches"" or ""britches"".
they're trousers that end
near the knee's knobby bend,
where your stockings begin, barring glitches.
"
"the brisket's the breast of a cow
(once it's butchered as beef, anyhow).
it's the part that you corn
so it's sorta reborn
as corned beef and cabbage. eat now!
"
"if your mind can effect relocation
of objects from station to station
(check my doctoral thesis
on psychokinesis),
that's anomalous (zap!) perturbation.
"
"cried a bartender, trying to cope
with the dirt in his tavern, ""i hope
that i'll have some success
with the worst of this mess
if i scrub with a little bar soap.""
"
"in your throat, near the larynx, there juts
the cricopharyngeus.  ""what's
a cryco-...?""  you ask.
it's a muscle. its task:
muscle morsels much nearer your guts.
"
"you say solids don't drop very far
when you swallow? a surgical scar
is a possible reason ?
or maybe the squeezin'
is a cricopharyngeus bar.
"
"thirty years ago, kids at the till
could compute any change from my bill.
now they haven't a clue,
so the registers do
the arithmetic. yup, that's deskill.
"
"""pomoxis, your opercle's spiny.""
""you human, i'd say, 'bite my hiney,'
except that you would.""
""sure! you taste yummy good ?
you're a crappie. now, don't be so whiney.""
"
"basenjis, some mice, farmers' swine,
all have one thing in common ? a line
curvicaudate: their tails
are as curled up as snails
or as curved as a twined silver vine.
"
"our ale's aged in casks (never tanks)
and our sarnies are thicker than planks.
the critics agree
that our new brasserie
makes gourmands and gourmets all give thanks.
"
"the cathar proclaimed, ""pour avoir bliss,
get emetics ? the strongest there are, sis.
since matter is vile,
we'll purge it and smile.""
and that's why we call it catharsis.
"
"if you take any law, and you trace it
to the elements all see at base, it
is black letter law ?
from the type people saw
in their law books (think ""gothic"" to place it).
"
"whether you're french or somali,
fat and nasty or skinny and jolly,
hey you! or your highness,
just back of your sinus
is a bump doctors call crista galli.
"
"abintestate, my heirship. old phil
died without other kin, or a will.
now at random i roam,
for his airship's my home.
wish i'd known him. he musta been brill.
"
"his befuddling and flim-flamming schmooze'll
confusticate most. he'd bamboozle
old webster to using
non-words for confusing ?
for instance, confustion and -fusal.
"
"""make conidiogenesis, not war,""
said the peacenik conidiophore.
spring had sprung. as it flung us
toward sex, the young fungus
made asexual time, and a spore.
"
"when i set out to trade in ceylon,
my cargo was laden upon
a big sailing canoe
called a dhoney. boo hoo ?
one slow leak and my silks are all gone.
"
"""what the ?"" ""billy! don't go ?"" ""i expect ?""
partway into a phrase, speech is checked.
it's aposiopesis:
an unfinished thesis
or phrase, for dramatic effect.
"
"my son's learning to drive; can't quite crack it.
""no!  drive the truck forward! don't back it!""
now my tailgate is toast,
and my sturdy oak post,
sign, and right-angled sign-dangler
??????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????[bracket].
"
"take butter, brown sugar and spice
(start with cinnamon). melt it up nice.
brown the fruit (once you stir
in banana liqueur)
and flamb? them in rum. that's my vice!
"
"my stove has gone cold, sir. i hear
that you might have some wood, though i fear
i've no coin. just one basket?
as your mother i ask it.
just a decistere, please, o my dear?
"
"""are those botos?"" we ask, all aquiver
at each splash on the amazon river.
we seek dolphins as pink
as fresh bubblegum?think
that our ecotour guide can deliver?
"
"a ball or a beam (wave or matter)
may rebound from a wall or a platter
or whatever ? you know,
any surface.  just so:
it may bounce (or the window may shatter).
"
"each throttle-grip's shaped like a ball,
and on take-off (you don't want to stall)
""max throttle!"" you grunt
and you shove them up front
to the firewall: all balls to the wall.
"
"the batfish, a helmeted squatter
on sea-bottoms, flies through the water.
fan-like wide, dorsal fins
are its wings; it makes ""pins""
of its pelvics ? an odd benthic trotter.
"
"statistics were blatant oppression.
with the class and the test both in session,
sean babbled and bleated
as sonia retreated
in a neat curvilinear regression.
"
"the woebegone wobbegong sighed,
""this sea-bottom's oversupplied
with carpet shark sheilas ?
when i put out my feilas
for fellas, my calls are denied.""
"
"lip to lip, trading tingle for tingle,
i vow that this perfect gold ring'll
be a seal and a sign
of the loves we combine
as our lives, like our breaths, now commingle.
"
"in the woods, while relieving my bladder,
i wished that i had a tall ladder,
for, slithering fast
from the bracken and mast
came an adder (or was it a nadder?).
"
"the elegant cream-colored courser
is not a pale huntsman or horse or
a dog. no, cursorius
cursor's a glorious
bird found in africa. more, sir?
"
"cursorius cursor is not
this frecking rectangular spot
that has frozen (oh, feces!)
in place, but a species
of bird that skedaddles a lot.
"
"whereas: to articulate peace
is our aim (we wish warfare to cease),
therefore: now shall we frame
in a treaty, sans blame,
every step that makes shooting decrease.
"
"altho we cant spel, you cant fire us.
we're not lazzy ? genettix hard-wyre us.
we realy have tryed
but our lixicon's fryed ?
it's a falt in the angular gyrus.
"
"eight matches ignite eight discrete
conflagrations.  just wait ? once they meet,
see my blazing creation:
a full deflagration,
with showers of sparks and great heat.
"
"if i know a and d, i can c,
through a formula, what it must b.
that's regression; a curve
is the form of my oeuvre?
curvilinear regression for me.
"
"why do arsonists go 'round igniting?
just for kicks; for revenge; nuts delighting
in a sin-fighting glow;
hide a crime; make some dough.
pyromaniacs find it exciting.
"
"we're cocci. i won't let you knock us
as cockeyed, because i'm a coccus.
but bacteria spherical
don't make you lyrical.
with antibiotics, you clock us.
"
"i'm a deist. god's work and his play:
to design and wind up an array
of quite natural laws,
leaving us to learn cause.
(i'll admit that i do sometimes pray.)
"
"once the sleek height of fashion, now tubby
and gone a bit slipshod and grubby,
beau says, ""betty, get real.
what's this durn 'beau ideal'?"" ?
he's no longer her beau but her hubby.
"
"myocastor's done well as a squatter.
bankrupt farmers dumped coypu in water
from the west to the east.
now the nutria feast
on our swamps, where we'd rather have otter.
"
"she's impressed by her car, but we're jeering
while her savings account's disappearing.
she spent twenty-two grand
to say lincoln's her brand ?
she's a sucker for badge engineering.
"
"""why despondent, my sweet?  the day's splendid!""
""the prince and papa just descended;
my desponsage is signed.
this betrothal's unkind.
ah, my love, were but you my intended.""
"
"hear me out, you top-lofty mule's anus.
your behavior's been thoroughly heinous,
though you call it naughty.
so don't be so haughty
(supercilious, conceited and deignous).
"
"""i love little #####,"" said ####.
""i do too,"" jane replied, ""though the #####
of her claws, when she pressed
her small paws on my ######,
made me tell her, 'that's not a nice trick.'""
"
"my one-handled pots overflow.
there's a jerry, a jordan, a po,
and a thunder-mug. naughty,
i empty each potty
without ""gardyloo down below!""
"
"""i know dinghy!"" i shout, as a boast:
""rowed on rivers, or sailed on the coast,
it's an indian boat;
the word's hindi."" i gloat.
no one else knows it all. i'm the most.
"
"once most worthy (desertive) and true,
she became a desertress who'd spew
such despicable muck
that the guards made her suck
a detersive, like soap or shampoo.
"
"though our phones now have keypads, not dials,
lift the handsets (whatever their styles)
and we hear dial tones ?
but there's no dial phones
for miles and miles and miles.
"
"on daisylike plants ? dense-packed center,
long petals ? miss daisy has spent her
last cent. ""it's not silly;
i can't buy a lily.""
(the penny was one i had lent her.)
"
"ma decrees, ""just sit down for an hour
with 'great sarpent' and natty."" i glower.
james fenimore cooper
induces a stupor
beyond even laudanum's power.
"
"those eggshells you see are conveying
salmonella.  you find that dismaying?
like a lizard or snake, a
bird sets its cloaca
to sex or excretion or laying.
"
"set off by a cross, by decree,
is the long christcross-row, a to z,
then an alphabet stew
of ""ba, be, bi, bo, bu,
ab, eb, ib"" ... an example or three.
"
"as the bully grabbed hold of my hair,
he yelled, ""cave!"" in the depths of despair,
i gave in. still, i mused,
""why's that word often used
by stalky as whispered 'beware!'?""
"
"""our church can't be waitin' and wishin',""
said the priest. ""now collect for our mission!
aboriginal sin
we shall fight ? and we'll win!""
then he called for the act of contrition.
"
"on a florida beach, i was struck
by a snail shell's strong beauty. i stuck
my hand in the sand,
thinking, ""boy, this is grand!""
then i turned the thing over. oh, yuck!
"
"a bread knife's serration's a must
for carving intransigent crust,
and its edge is acute ?
you don't want to commute
chewy crumb into clumps that disgust.
"
"look, buddy, don't give me no lippidae ?
them bait bugs are sand crabs, or hippidae.
and, no, they don't hop.
they're the dickens to cop ?
they dig backward right lickitae-splickitae.
"
"what's this in my telescope? hot
baby stars are emerging! i've caught
me a blue compact dwarf
(it's a galaxy). morph
that to bcd x on the plot.
"
"a ctenophore papa was spurning
a suitor who kept on returning:
""i'll say that if i'da
been given a cnida,
your hide'd be itching and burning.""
"
"two coeds whose names i won't mention
found sickness a source of dissension.
each said, ""oh, i'm ailing! ?
but [sobriquet]'s wailing
is merely a bid for attention.""
"
"though he says he's a policy maker,
he's a flack and a jake-leg old faker.
he jaunts to aruba
and toots his own tuba ?
a braggart, a boaster, a  craker.
"
"the dragon- and damselflies whinge
that their wings lack the delicate hinge
that lets them fold back ?
but there's clearly no lack
in their flight: watch the other flies cringe.
"
"while snorkeling, sister francine's
gathered comb jellies. no jelly-been's
ever swum in my ken.
but then, i'm only ten,
and ctenophores paddle with ctenes.
"
"what's crepitus? medical art
says it's crackling: a gangrenous part
might crepitate; lungs
do it too. but your bung's
crepitation is known as a fart.
"
"without weapons, ol' bob will  pursue
a raving mad rhino or  two.
but sweet sue, with a sob,
discombobulates bob ?
he's all flustered ? ""so what do i do?""
"
"he bucked his big basket (a buck
full of eels) to his buckskin. ""what luck!""
he exclaimed. ""i'm in clover!""
the third buck bucked it over
the fence. said the eeler, ""oh, dear.""
"
"""bass reflex,"" he said, and i guessed,
""what you get when you thump wotan's chest.""
""you're baffled, you tweeter.
a speaker's much neater
with baffles, so low notes sound best.""
"
"""he's a dipso, a bar fly, a doozer
of a drunkard, a rummy, a boozer.
he's a tosspot, a soak.""
""i'm afraid you misspoke;
what we now say is substance abuser.""
"
"what's a dinghy? the name is bestowed
on a boat that is carried or towed
by a much larger craft;
or a big rubber raft;
or on small boats, some sailed and some rowed.
"
"my pasty old patients place trust
in potions that prompt their disgust.
eye of bat, cockroach wing ?
this chalybeate spring
adds a topnote of iron and rust.
"
"on damp mornings, near puddles or berms
watch the squiggles and wriggles and squirms.
they're a curlicued tangle
but nowhere an angle
in oodles of noodle-y worms.
"
"cucurbits are cucumbers, gourds,
zucchini and hordes upon hordes
of melons and squashes
for dining or noshes.
(the pumpkin fills pies fit for lords.)
"
"nay, her eyes are not blue as the skies,
nor her hair bright as gold. you surmise
that my lady looks grimmily;
my truth's in dissimile,
her beauty past flattering lies.
"
"i check for the time with a smile
at the hands on my analog dial.
the digital watches
i tried showed just blotches
or zeros. i ended the trial.
"
"cried the dragonflies, ""stop! we are brothers!""
but the insects were stripped of their druthers.
as the bullbat flap-fluttered,
a dragonfly muttered,
""one mosquito-hawk's eating the others.""
"
"long ago, in the land known as sumer
(the assyrians weren't even a rumor),
drawings (ea was deiform)
turned to cuneiform.
(now alphabets please the consumer.)
"
"when the romans arrived, zeus the judge
said, ""the pantheon's set. we won't budge.""
then an upstart young trinity
announced, ""i'm divinity,""
and jupiter thundered, ""oh, fudge.""
"
"if you roll cured tobacco to smoke,
you have made a cigar, okey-doke?
when tobacco's chopped fine,
rolled in paper, like mine,
it's a cigarette. here, take a toke.
"
"ab inconvenienti: let's take
your foolish construction. we'd make
every factory fold ?
workers out in the cold ?
to protect this obscure little snake.
"
"it's a gnome or a dwarf, not an elf,
who digs deep in a quarry or delf.
says the elf, ""i've got taste,
while a dwarf, not so graced,
goes grubbing for jewels and pelf.""
"
"i asked the old master, ""sir, how
can i gain endless life?"" ""disavow
any force or pretense,
flowing free in the sense
of the moment: exist here and dao.""
"
"while the heroine's babe sweetly sleeps,
a villainous ooze-monster seeps
through a hole near the bed.
prickles rise on my head
and my shoulders ? a case of the creeps.
"
"your sweetheart is coming today ?
may is nigh! but you know what they say:
you must ne'er cast a clout
till may's utterly out
or they'll think that you've led her astray.
"
"""any adjective ending in -acious
may turn noun,"" said old prof ostentatious,
""with a suffix. it's -acity.
you ask why bodacity
isn't the noun for bodacious?""
"
"while ahab obsessed on a white whale,
other skippers with darts made to smite whale
preferred chasing blacks
for harpooning attacks.
""for a black whale,"" they said, ""is the right whale.""
"
"as an infant all squalling and wee,
i was baptized. meant nothing to me.
when i knew what i swore
i was baptized once more.
i was then born again, praises be!
"
"now the frigid inclemency's done;
time to apricate (bask) has begun.
back at christmas, i'd miss a tea
just for apricity ?
kiss of the wintertime sun.
"
"i've got to get home! the commode
has exploded, says joan. but the road
is cut off ? stupid pedalists!
may flats plague all medalists.
criterium races be blowed.
"
"""my skin's getting crapy,"" i whine.
""you mean crepey,"" he said.  okay, fine.
i look really crappy.
""one face-lift, and snappy:
i demand a new dermal design.""
"
"a dial phone wasn't as quick
as today's touch-tone keypads. you'd pick,
say, a nine, pull it 'round;
it spun back to the sound
tickticktick,tickticktick,tickticktick.
"
"need more thrust? here's a fine booster rocket.
once it's pushed you aloft, you undock it
so it falls to the ocean.
you've sped up your motion.
(you'd have crashed had you failed to unlock it.)
"
"most often, she's sexy and sunny,
but miss april's poor nose is all runny.
its output is stunning ?
keeps running, and running.
just call her the allergizer bunny.
"
"my goat ranch has sure hit the skids.
though my futures brought glittering bids,
my stock guarantee
hit a goat std ?
an abortion storm cost me the kids.
"
"a comb may be strawberry, pea,
rose, buttercup, cushion, or v-
shaped, or silkis or single.
if chicken flocks mingle,
genetics say which it will be.
"
"with passion and even devoutness,
he argues the case that aboutness
and subject aren't equal.
the verdict, in sequel?
though it's possible, i have my doubtness.
"
"i've a grudge, so i'll now discommode you.
i'll search for new prickles to goad you:
i'll play snare drums each night,
write long screeds full of spite,
and my booby-trapped loo will explode you.
"
"not canary or ratfink or traitor.
if you must, then, perhaps allegator.
what i mean to convey:
i'm a tipster for pay,
and i'd sooner be called a delator.
"
"one tear, then another, plip-plopped
on my small stepson's chest. my heart stopped.
i'd given her orchids,
but susie wants more kids.
i'm anorchid. why can't we adopt?
"
"when a tropical fever oppressed,
dr. dickson said, ""sailors, mere rest
is no cure, so i'm urging
both bleeding and purging.
""depletory treatments are best.""
"
"it's a building's firm corner or nook;
it's an edge or a border. my book
says a polygon's cant
is a corner ? or slant
slicing off a square's angle. go look.
"
"to the whites of two eggs that you've beaten,
add hot super-syrup to sweeten.
toss in salt and vaniller
and voila! it's a killer
divinity fudge ? darn good eatin'.
"
"my newt has been put to the test ?
he's lost color and weight, he's so stressed.
once he frolicked so cutely,
but now, diminutely,
he lies on the bottom, depressed.
"
"a delf has been delved, like a ditch
or canal; or it may be a rich
lode of diamonds or coal;
or a mine. on the whole,
it's dug down ? not an alcove or niche.
"
"take some chocolate, syrups and cream,
toss in butter, brown sugar ... don't scream
about carbs and cholest-
erol. these are the best
of all chocolate caramels ? supreme.
"
"the guard called me down, in a funk.
""our winery's haunted!"" flap-thunk!
""stewie, aren't you aware
of the term angel's share?
well, our guardian angel is drunk.""
"
"since he gave me a job, mr. long
gets a bit of my paycheck. 'tain't wrong.
he's got double-strong locks
on that big deduct box,
where my bits help the kingfish stay strong.
"
"once a sage disquisition, discourse,
or a clear dissertation, the force
of a diatribe turned
to the ""diss"" ? ""you concerned
that your mama looks just like a horse?""
"
"would ye care for a caper, my dear?
pickled bud?  that sounds ever so queer.
have an oatcake and cheese ?
butter, too, if ye please.
it will go very well with your beer.
"
"at thanksgiving, though slightly unstable,
i get implements (far as i'm able)
fully sharpened and pointed
so the turkey's disjointed
without skidding too far from the table.
"
"here's a grand corbel arch that we made
when your dad was a mason by trade.
see, up over our heads,
like paired upside-down treads
on small stairs? ah, the courses we laid.
"
"""i thought i had made myself plain,
but i see i must tell you again,""
he said with a scowl.
""one disjoints a roast fowl
but dismembers a heron or crane.""
"
"says the poet, ""my lodestone, my star,
i have brought you sweet blooms from afar.""
but i don't think he knows
why bloom's red on the rose
but dull gray on the chocolate bar.
"
"sure, i killed chainsaw critic, that slut.
she defaced my bold cube. see? ? she cut
the best corner. she shan't
make another skewed cant.
my case here is open and shut.
"
"all hung-over and squint-eyed, i grope
for the cord from which dangles my soap.
when i grab it, i scream.
it's abramis ? blue bream.
""april fish! you've got zope on a rope!""
"
"my racehorse is lame. 'tain't bursitis;
a ligament's sore, and the blight is
inflammation. it's best
treated first with some rest.
veterinarians call it desmitis.
"
"though lungless and ""shapeless,"" they thrive
(where it's humid) in trees. there were five
kinds of tree salamander;
now six, climbing, meander
and skitter. let's hope they survive.
"
"leaving lands where one church was trustee
for all souls, they said, ""let us agree.
no one denomination
shall hold our salvation:
all beliefs (even dis-) shall be free.""
"
"""cherries, please,"" mary asked. less than chipperus,
joseph snarled, ""ask the dad of your nipperus.""
jesus said, ""make it so,""
and  the treetops bowed low.
mary grinned.  ""joseph, see?  i'm deiparous.""
"
"our laundress, the sweet bouncing bet,
offers soapwort to lather out sweat.
she is pink and benign ?
but the spring-loaded mine,
bouncing betty, is one nasty threat.
"
"though i love little fluffy to bits,
when i bathe her, i'll need heavy mitts.
for there's nothing, my dears,
that puts love in arrears
like a white, long-haired cat with the squits.
"
"as an editor, janet will cluck
when confronted with bangs. some are stuck
where they just don't belong!!!!!
take 'em out. makes it strong,
so you get much more bang for the buck.
"
"charybdis, poseidon's young daughter,
flooded lands for her pa. ""you'd not oughter
continue,"" said zeus.
when she did, he let loose
with a spell. now she sucks and spits water.
"
"okay, so it's no lunar landing,
but today is still truly outstanding.
orthodontia is done,
dental freedom's begun ?
it's the day of delightful debanding.
"
"god is otiose?  is, without reason?
not quite. after making the bees 'n'
miss eve, the creator
intoned, ""see ya later.""
saith the prophet, ""for each, there's a season.""
"
"his meandering, tortuous story
may bring the man, someday, to glory.
but i've nary a doubt
that he'll go roundabout,
for he's always been deviatory.
"
"that ground is played out. draw a line.
what is left is mere dirt. but don't whine,
for the mineral here ?
adamantine and clear ?
proves a diamantiferous mine.
"
"adreno- (the glands shot to hell)
leukodystrophy (brain loss, as well):
dementia increases
as limb control ceases
from loss of each nerve's fatty shell.
"
"what luck for my tooth-decayed rhesus!
my vet uses psychokinesis,
pulling teeth with his mind.
bonzo wakened to find
brand new bridgework, a dental prosthesis.
"
"biology has some weird spins.
some marmosets always have twins.
would that prompt just a bit o' cuss?
since they're so  ditokous,
just the alpha gal breeds. so she grins.
"
"caper merchants don't sell pickled buds,
but teach dancing to cits or to bloods.
said the beau (a fine japer),
""too pickled to caper?
this merchant is deep in the suds.""
"
"no matter how great your renown,
should an almack's grand patroness frown
and her cohorts agree
(be you count or marquis)
you are gone from the ton of the town.
"
"we entered the courtroom and saw
vast proportions, intended to awe:
ceilings thirty feet high
carved and bossed to imply
all the grandeur and glory of law.
"
"a mosquito sucks nectar until
she's had sex. then she siphons her fill
in a blood meal, ensuring
her hatch's maturing
so a new generation will shrill.
"
"""has that clock lost its tock, or just you?""
before the befuddled old screw
figured out what the jape meant,
the deadbeat escapement
ticked by, and the bum said ""ahdoo.""
"
"his breakdown truck broke through a brake ?
that's a thicket ? then crashed in quack lake.
""i feel like a jerk,
but my brakes didn't work,""
he explained to a terrified drake.
"
"let the others add zing to their tucker
with a pickle that makes the mouth pucker.
bread and butter's my treat:
cukes turn sour and sweet;
leaving blandness, take savory succor.
"
"king ding dong earned plenty of bling-dongs
selling treats named for chimes ? hostess ding dongs.
""except,"" twinkie squeals,
""where we called them big wheels,
they were launched with the monicker king dongs.""
"
"from high alps to the deeps of the seas
live the cryophiles. lower degrees
are the temps that they favor.
there's some add a savor
to food. p. roqueforti, say ""cheese!""
"
"with my ski-mask, my cleats and thick gloves
i creeps on the ice. i just loves
when i robs an old bat:
a mere touch and she's flat.
i'm a crymophile, push comes to shoves.
"
"heard the news? while perusing the zoo news,
i inferred, from the purchase of blue gnus
that have masculine genes
for our wildebeest queens,
that our herd of gnus soon will have new gnus.
"
"as barker the baker was beatin'
up batter, he grumbled, ""you cretin,
oh, bother and booger.
that's far too much sugar.
now, what shall i do to dissweeten?""
"
"though its forelimbs were puny and slight,
t. rex packed a bone-piercing bite.
when its jaws snatched and closed,
its opponents were hosed ?
an example of pure dino might.
"
"my cousin's so darn-tooting snooty
about words, but i found me a beauty.
i'll rest on my laurels
with ethics and morals:
deontology ? science of duty.
"
"a cruive is this hovel (don't sneer);
or this pigsty, or pen (for a steer);
this low fence (none disturbs
my few veggies and herbs);
or this salmon-coop placed in a weir.
"
"though today we say ""high as a kite,""
in the era when prinny got tight
a scoffer might say
that he spent half the day
in his altitudes. (longer? quite right.)
"
"""see? cucurbitins ? worms."" ""you say what?
they eat cucumbers?"" ""anything but.
growing 80 feet long
and segmented but strong,
they are tapeworms and live in your gut.""
"
"in the far transylvanian sticks,
near ditro, i found this odd mix
of igneous rock,
so i gathered a stock.
it's called ditroite. here ? have your picks.
"
"a crap-
sey cinquain is
a verse that adelaide
thought was as terse as in
english
?
could be.
'tain't the verse form for me
(though limericks might be called worse).
"
"the cruciform veg is a beaut.
with turnips, you eat leaf and root.
the bud (not the flower)
is broccoli's power.
it's all sounding brassica. toot!
"
"""wanna date?"" asked my lab partner, showing
he relied on my adience ? knowing
i find most things attractive.
but he's stupefactive.
i showed abience. ""gotta be going!""
"
"i'll expend, or lay out, all i own
(that's a buck and a half) on this pone,
then convey and assign
all the rights that were mine
unto you. either way, i dispone.
"
"if there's one language habit i hate,
it's the practice of sticking on -ate
as a way to inflate
words that don't need the weight ?
to create, say, disorientate.
"
"for sushi, the biggest kahuna
is bigeye or yellowfin tuna,
called ahi. obesus
goes deeper. in pieces,
albacares discolors much soona.
"
"lord, smite him and leave him infirm;
yea, and blast that presumptuous worm.
though for now he's surpassed us,
make his future ablastous:
unfruitful, without bud or germ.
"
"all the saccharides, everyone* knows,
have x carbons and y h2os.
if that x = 2,
it's a diose. wah-hoo! ?
that's the sugar the milky way froze!
"
"""see those cypress, that bear?  not so fast!
these are scenes to be savored, not passed.""
""if it isn't abysmal,
why is this the great dismal?""
""because it's a swamp, and it's vast.""
"
"at the edge of the drawer ? what's this?
it's my church key! ? my symbol of bliss.
its triangular punch
brings a long, liquid lunch
as i puncture each can with a hiss.
"
"""all that gold! how it glitters! oh, see!""
""my, how garish. she's pure bourgeoisie,
decked in tinsel and paste
with not one whit of taste.
it's all clinquant, my child. so is she.""
"
"where's the meaning? look, here's my position:
we're a dictionary, hence, definition.
if meaning ain't vital,
to heck with our title.
(here he showed some aggressive dentition.)
"
"""look, sailor, ya think i was beatin'
fer nothin'? ya missed the repeatin.'""
""da capo, it said,
so i went to the head.""
""that's the start of the music, you cretin!""
"
"said the sperm to the ovum, ""okay.
i'm sorry. i led you astray.
didn't mean to get sucked
down that deferent duct.
but hey ? i got carried away.""
"
"he is deus revealed, but the span
of our minds is too small; cannot scan.
what is knowable's small;
god's transcendent: is all.
he's absconditus ? hidden from man.
"
"devil's grip hits your chest like a rock
so each breath hurts like hell. what a shock.
epidemic pleural-
gia's so hard on morale,
it's  the grasp of the phantom. [cue bach.]
"
"dead features bespoke, watson saw,
vice ? malignant, far more than a flaw.
but, he noted with gravity,
the victim's depravity
is no condonment as seen by the law.
"
"not quite mumm from her roederer toot,
she announced, ""i'm azh pished azh a newt.""
and there i had thunk
she was drunk as a skunk.
either way, she'd had more than a flute.
"
"though the beets thought their pranks were impressing
miss french, they were merely distressing.
""oh, turn out the light!""
she cried out in a fright.
""don't you hooligans know that i'm dressing?""
"
"i'm a serpentine, sensuous charmer
in brilliant reptilian armor.
i am dragon. my glory's
beyond any stories.
my flame is a fourteen-alarmer.
"
"the bright morning sun sets alight
floating suns, set in starbursts of white.
this is alligator bonnet.
but, leave it or don it,
these suns will set long before night.
"
"yup, that's cellulose ? hard to digest,
so a rabbit gut's put to the test.
the initial time through
makes a cecotrope. two,
and it's friable, brown and compressed.
"
"diphenhydramine, please ? not for flowers
and pollen, but shift-swapping hours.
gotta sleep in the day,
but my bod says, ""no way.""
i need benadryl's dormitive powers.
"
"i could be mistaken, but guess
that had kipling lived under queen bess,
the just so stories' dear
""best beloved, now hear""
might have used ""alderliefest's"" address.
"
"that d?mned caper merchant, herr schmaltz!
at first my wife thought he'd no faults.
but a fit of the vapours
ensued, for his capers
included (o heavens!) the waltz.
"
"you want me to swallow this goo,
this gelatinous gunk you call stew?
i've zero ambition
to try deglutition,
much less mastication. pee-yoo!
"
"""those are chapels!"" she cried. ""don't be crass!
two smaller apsidioles ? class! ?
flank the romanesque apse.
see? it's shown on your maps.""
students giggled and snickered en masse.
"
"this lion is dormant (it's prone);
and as toothless and clawless it's shown.
but no creature was harmed
for this blazon disarmed,
though the cause for effacing's unknown.
"
"drafting back of the headwind, he sinned.
all the other lead runners broke wind.
at the end, his fast blast
left the others all grassed.
""suckers, i've got the trophy."" he grinned.
"
"as a venerer, son, your career
will require telling fewmets (from deer)
from croteys and lesses.
you can't go by guesses ?
is that hare's scat or bear's? persevere!
"
"beef stock: simmer bones* in a pot
(*from a bull, cow or steer). if you've got
carrots, celery, onions
and herbs, when it's done, yuns
outdid any can yuns have bought.
"
"in new england, the angledog dangled
from many a fish-hook. folks wrangled
over easworm or mudworm
(though some used a bloodworm) ?
but earthworm was bookish, new-fangled.
"
"once annoy implied more than ""you spilt
your lasagna all over my quilt.""
it meant ""hurt proper function.""
see venner's injunction:
tobacco ""annoyeth the milt.""
"
"he dismounts, looking knowing and smug:
his body-coat's fitted and snug
and his legs need no pad.
he unsaddles good lad
and then ties on a body-cloth (rug).
"
"ah, the ways of a language are fickle.
take dill as a verb. it might tickle
you: hide, quiet down,
dress to wow the whole town,
but never a hint of a pickle.
"
"listen: dentiate means ""to breed teeth.""
that's more spooky than ghosts on the heath,
when schoenbergian song
turns to shrieks. it's just wrong.
... oh. so breed there means ""sprout from beneath""?
"
"they travel in hordes, not in pairs.
they're common, without snooty airs.
like their tropical cousins,
they bite by the dozens.
do bedbugs get jet lag? who cares!
"
"she falleth to floor in a swound,
al dischevel, hir heer strown around.
hir vysage is whyte.
what hath caused swic affright?
if she breatheth, it meyketh no sound.
"
"the cabriole: dance or a leap
named for goats, which abound where it's steep.
but a small ragtop shay
is a cabriolet,
and so's my convertible heap.
"
"a&amp;m once implied lesser lights ?
dullard farmboys, mechanical wights.
agricultural, now,
means much more than a plow,
and mechanicals soar to great heights.
"
"""i'm invisible now; see ya later,""
said the cheeselip (a sowbug or slater)
as it rolled in a ball.
in the north, what we call
cheeselip's rennet, the big cheese creator.
"
"the discobolus sculpted in greece,
curved and poised just before the release
of his discus, is gone.
but its copies live on ?
rome's discoboli numbers increase.
"
"a caper who's all caper-witted
is not a corsair who's well fitted
for fightin' and luffin'.
he'll cut capers on nuffin'
when brainier pirates have flitted.
"
"that tiny ""ting-ting"" in my ear
tells the death of a friend, someone dear.
say scots, ""a death bell.""
wait ? the deeper death knell
soon will toll, that the parish may hear.
"
"sticky toes turn the platters tonight
as the glare of the red-blue-green light
hits a globe all refractal.
yes, i'm discodactyl ?
your deejay's a treefrog. (that's right!)
"
"a limerick lemma: write tight.
lemma 2: meanings lucid and bright.
when your axioms clash
you've a lexical mash:
dilemmas have horns, and they bite.
"
"a period: stop-in-a-dot.
a comma's small tail says it's not
a full stop, but a pause
for a breath, or a clause,
or a series like ""fraught, sought, and taut.""
"
"""i cannot and will not allow
such language!"" said sister. ""stop now!
instead of this doggery,
substitute moggery ?
don't blaspheme or use cusswords; yell mraow!""
"
"this crystallized phosphate of lime
is diverse and deceiving, so i'm
gonna call it ""deceit""
(but in greek). now repeat:
""this is apatite. werner's sublime.""
"
"when we criminalized liquor, we found
that our mandate was highly unsound.
many criminal eyes
saw a chance, and, surprise!
the mob grew and spread all around.
"
"these pears, plums and apples ? all three
are as hard as the ice in my tea.
what's the reason, i gripe,
that they're picked so unripe?
(climacteric, they ripen off-tree.)
"
"the deep south, where plantations were great:
the magnolia, the pelican state,
yellowhammer and peach
and palmetto. and each,
what with cracklins, has problems with weight.
"
"in a coma, she doesn't react.
turn her head. we can tell, for a fact,
if her eyes roll, like mine
or a doll's, it's a sign
that her brain stem, at least, is intact.
"
"if your software's expensive, you may
need a dongle before you can play
with each feature or section.
plug-in copy protection
thwarts people who don't want to pay.
"
"what ? apostrophes boring and pallid?
no, they're worth a fine sonnet or ballad.
why, without one, god's law,
on a license i saw,
turned to godslaw ? divinity salad.
"
"when a great railroad stretched sea to sea
the atlantic &amp;  pacific sold tea.
now foods of all styles
fill this company's aisles,
but we shop at the drab a&amp;p.
"
"""hey, rex!"" said the new amputee,
""here's a bone for you. have it on me.
bone apatite's keen ?
it'll keep your teeth clean.
so gnaw it, and  bon app?tit!""
"
"if a drench were to clench with a wench
in a storm and get drenched, would he blench?
or would he just pour
out a slug from his store
of strong medicine, needing a drench?
"
"it's a hubbub, a brouhaha. cowed?
it'll join any anapest crowd.
need an end-rhyme? ta-daa!
it becomes brouhaha.
and brouhaha is also allowed.
"
"to compaginate isn't to write
on or number your pages. you might
use the word for a wall
or a well-crafted ball.
it's ""fit firmly together, unite.""
"
"let's disorient richard, the beast,
till his dreams of crusading have ceased.
let him drift back and forth
with his map topped by north ?
not jerusalem, queen of the east.
"
"when one desinence comes with a bang
but each subsequent ending goes clank,
you've got dissonance ? lack
of sweet harmony. hark
at the discord, the desinent clunk.
"
"wrote a critic, ""whatever his faults,
he had none of that straussian schmaltz.
takes a lollapalooza
like john philip sousa
to write a bombastical waltz.""
"
"in this center of mental malaise,
each oldster believes he surveys
his great work ? you and meity:
each thinks he's the deity.
we call them the ancients of daze.
"
"if two sperm spear one egg at a go,
it is dispermy, causing the woe
of spontaneous abortion ?
for triploid's a portion
too full for a fetus to grow.
"
"coffin up for an urn? jeeze louise!
perennial care? waste of fees.
can the solemn palaver ?
ship out my cadaver,
a cut-up for future mds.
"
"a darkroom? what's that? i've a screen
where all my exposures are seen,
where sallow turns tannish,
where blemishes vanish,
and pee-wee becomes steve mcqueen.
"
"since i know that i mustn't blaspheme,
my lesson in law made me beam
with faithful elation.
there is no damnation
in damage. ""ad damnum!"" i scream.
"
"acris crepitans ? fart-hoppers? cool!
some days it's worth going to school.
? no, they're frogs that go ""cricket""
like a world war ii click-it.
baby gators see tree frogs and drool.
"
"a young austringer said to his lodger,
""i've a rajah come hawking, gray roger,
and i need this wood frame
to haul hawks which hunt game
so you can't cadge my cadge, you old codger.""
"
"what's a piddock?  i aced that exam.
it's a dactyl, an angelwing clam.
though encased in a shell
and a burrow, as well,
still it glows with a silent ""i am.""
"
"said the judge, with a serious mien,
""sir, your name is the worst that i've seen.""
""yup. i'm changing my moniker
from john headly donnicker
to headly commodus latreen.""
"
"as i fished on the lake with my daughter,
and we dibbled our crickets, i taught her,
""dapping's not simply zipping ?
think of gulls quickly dipping,
or stones swiftly skipping on water.""
"
"come, castigate all that i write.
i invite you here not to indict,
to impugn or accuse me
or, shouting, abuse me,
but to help me emend (without spite).
"
"""as we row doon the doon, my lass, why
do ye weep that wee tear that i spy?""
""river doon is where burns
wrote of love's thorny turns.""
""but i love ye for now and for aye.""
"
"you've acusis: your hearing's ok.
but a prefix implies ""gone astray.""
i've got hypoacusis ?
i'm deaf. has its uses:
""the lawn derry? what did you say?""
"
"these small scaly scavengers bide
in fiddle bow, larder and hide.
for what it infested,
each beetle (dermestid)
was named. boy, we're oversupplied.
"
"a sauce for your salad's a dressing ?
vinaigrette, cooked or creamy ? caressing
the greens, veg  or noodles.
it'll often add oodles
of calories, diet-distressing.
"
"she was pregnant, the coroner said.
she took arsenic (ratsbane). she's dead.
""doesn't write. doesn't call.
doesn't want"" ? that was all
that she scrawled in the note by her bed.
"
"i arrived here, and quickly was bitten
by the bug of compendiously written
definitions: concisely,
comprehensively, nicely
(most finely) and briefly. i'm smitten.
"
"she gazed at me hotly, boudoirally,
bosom heaving and eyes glowing starrily.
in spite of my virus
she made me desirous.
""led's ged barried,"" i offered, catarrhally.
"
"his corrosive retorts were well known,
so the carboy was standing alone.
he swapped acid for wine,
turning much more benign,
and is now the beloved dame joan.
"
"a chace is a song, like a round,
where one melody wreathes so the sound
(like a chase for a hart)
follows part after part.
chasing melody, harmony's found.
"
"there's little of night left before us ?
time for one sentimental old chorus
and a parting cup quaffed
at the door ? a deep draught,
but we call it a wee doch-an-dorris.
"
"seas threatened. we feared we'd be drowned.
""dog the hatches!"" he yelled. but we found
(to his virulent scorn)
that the dog nuts were worn
and the dog wrench was nowhere around.
"
"our acid-tongued baker's a showerer
of flour all about. he gets sourer
when virginal misses
nix powdery kisses.
old dusty's no master deflourer.
"
"above viscount and less than marquis,
an earl or a count used to be
one who from the king's bounty
had rule of a county.
now he's merely a blood vip.
"
"us wished to give blood for the war, did us.
but us learned that one night with a whore did us
in. they was brisk:
""we can't take any risk
of infection from coitus sordidus.""
"
"the war to end wars far transcended
beliefs, so this call we extended:
""all divines in the nation,
join in concelebration.""
and both of them duly attended.
"
"said carneades, ""how can we know
what is true? why, we can't. even so,
what is plausible can
be sufficient for man.""
late platonists said, ""way to go!""
"
"my dracontiums go at my death
to my toothbrushophobic friend beth.
may the purulent stink
of their blooms make her think,
""these are plants with amazing bad breath.""
"
"""mr. coroner ? there, in the chest, did
you find beetles known as dermestid?""
""they'd begun to move in
where the chest once had been.
since we found him, their growth's now arrested.""
"
"since at cleaning old bones he's the best, he's
the curator's pet. (she's confessed he's
one who must be confined,
else she'll find that he's dined
on her finest displays.) he's dermestes.
"
"they're chaenopsis, you say? what the heck, ed?
be they yellowface, orangethroat, fleck?d,
eely pikeblennies glow
bright as suns. even so,
these fish without scales look plum nekkid.
"
"the aye-aye's a grub-shark of mark.
its beaver-like teeth bite through bark
where tasty grubs linger,
then it gives them the finger
and gobbles them all in the dark.
"
"i wouldn't have wanted to be a
sick pup when the dose meant to free ya
was mercuric. blue pills,
thought to cure many ills,
are now out of the pharmacopoeia.
"
"i'm shopping for seed, stop to eye a type
of genetically engineered rye ? a type
made to kill any hopper.
but the grain came a cropper ?
the critters evolved a new biotype.
"
"a small tyrant flycatcher, herbie,
attempted to rent my new derby.
writing, ""please, mister, can you let
to a beardless tyrannulet?
yours, camptostoma imberbe.""
"
"when i'm brewing some coffee to quaff,
every cup-marking on the carafe
measures half of a mug
of my donzerlee drug.
six-ounce coffee cups? hah. it's to laugh.
"
"in otago, where dwanging is nogging,
i sawed out my dwangs after logging
to set between struts ?
also joists, for big butts
(that's of wine, not the joyce i was snogging).
"
"it's our keep-in-our-home-and-our-truck tape ?
broken camp chair? we'll-just-reconstruct tape.
it's brought satisfaction
as emergency traction
for a newborn. mirabile duct tape.
"
"""this black grasshopper's big as a po-boy!""
said the half-grown raccoon. mom said, ""no, boy!
get rid of it, quick ?
it'll make you right sick.
let that ugly, fat devil horse go, boy!""
"
"bipedalism's the movement we founded
when we tree-dwelling apes became grounded,
shouting, ""preach it, o brother!
walk upright! no other
progression may hence be propounded!""
"
"neurosurgeon who led innovation,
walter dandy was tops in the nation.
seemed that every third week
he'd a brand-new technique.
each was truly a dandy operation.
"
"though her neighborhood truly seemed seedy,
jeanie dean was both daedel and deedy.
she said, ""passion indeed'll
put wings on my needle
to sew toasty shawls for the needy.""
"
"though the coin shows our sovereign's head,
when you cut through the gold, you find lead.
some damned coiner's debasing
our currency. tracing
him's crucial, lest counterfeits spread.
"
"my commonplace book's full of notes
and thrilling and wonderful quotes
that soar like an eagle.
mckuen and segal
get two of my ""best author"" votes.
"
"the greatest desultor i've seen
was zopp?. his top horse-leap routine
was his steed-to-steed flip
at a pretty good clip
from the lead to the rear, all serene.
"
"as a message board shows (any version),
discussion soon turns to discursion.
here the subject was ""moats"";
before long, we get boats,
dogs and cats, gods and total immersion.
"
"congree, says the great oed,
is a dubious word for ""agree.""
in a folio, true,
it's found once ? but  congrue
fills that spot in a quarto.  dear me.
"
"some classes were made just to pain us ?
take mythology. (please! it'll drain us.)
start with old father time's
most unfortunate chimes
with cronus, the son of uranus.
"
"one might find, in botanical glosses,
""deoperculate capsules of mosses
have popped off their corks
so the bryophyte storks
can spread spores with the slightest of losses.""
"
"the beardless tyrannulet whistles,
""if attacking, beware of beaked missiles.
i'm the bellicose best
at defending my nest.
oh, beardless? i've no rictal bristles.""
"
"ersatz coffee? those seeds have killed goats.
lots of coffee weed seeds down their throats,
and they're deader than stink.
but you want me to drink
""tasty coffee-weed coffee""? (end quotes.)
"
"an old man who sold aaron's beard
declaimed, ""it is just as i feared.
i ask buyers, 'which aaron?'
they demand rose of sharon,
that gaudy hibiscus."" he sneered.
"
"as distinct from the calambac tree,
calambour's a mistake made by three
dictionaries, at least.
and the number's increased
with the internet, plus control-c.
"
"caro caro trees spread all about,
though their seeds are so tough they can't sprout.
see, some gomphotheres chomped
on the pods. off they stomped.
seeds got softer, and then they came out.
"
"behemoth arose and surveyed
his vast earthly realm, unafraid.
neither human nor beast
made him quail in the least
(just beshemoth-who-must-be-obeyed).
"
"said a young hematologist, stella,
""a red blood cell's a curious fella.
in the middle, it's squinched
like a plate that's been pinched
in the center. that bit's called a delle.""
"
"""why bumblebee? bees never bumble ?
don't flounder or blunder or stumble.""
""they're bombylious."" ""whuzz
at?"" ""they bombilate ? buzz ?
as they travel to corymb or umbel.""
"
"when the cock-tail beetle's upset
it opens big jaws in a threat
while it raises its rear
as a bug bombardier.
it's the devil's own coach-horse, no pet.
"
"we knew he was buried first-class
by the concelebration: his mass
took five bishops, ten priests
and two popes. the deceased's
sacramentally pushing up grass.
"
"uncle earl (a bit of a squirrel)
brought some screw anchors up to aunt shirl:
""out of wall plugs, like these,
make a coronet, please.""
so now he is called dook of earl.
"
"dinner: banquet or formal feast (yay!)
or the principal meal of the day ?
or its food (eat your rice!) ?
or a meal at fixed price,
or a meal cooked and friz in a tray.
"
"you're a storehouse of wisdom (sagacity)
and discernment (some say perspicacity).
could i wisely discern
every food i should spurn
and reject it, i might have less assity.
"
"the bloods, under william and mary,
were rowdy young toffs. the unwary
might end up as marks
for drunk hijinks and larks.
today, bloods are young toughs. the gang's scary.
"
"""it's in apple-pie order,"" i said.
sure, it looked neat and trim. but instead,
the sheet's folded in half
by some twit, for a laugh,
like a turnover ? apple-pie bed.
"
"my engagement to bambi the blonde
brought depression. i found i'd been conned ?
when my credit cards fried,
her endearments all died.
lost my shoes in the slough of despond.
"
"""amontillado?"" he made no demur,
no objection to nitre. defer
to luchesi's poor taste?
when he knew what he faced,
i'd immured him. good vengeance, good sir.
"
"this svbstance vnstoppeth the veines,
is deoppilative, venner maintains.
'tis deobstruent, clearing
obstructions and steering
our humours to cheering our brains.
"
"cryophilic bacteria thrive
where the mercury's taken a dive.
and you know that pink snow?
it's from algae that grow
in the cold, smelling sweet! sakes alive!
"
"john adams orated that spring,
""i will seize any bivalve you bring,""
then, loving to slam a tory
(waxing declamatory),
""lickspittle slave of the king!""
"
"dentilingual sounds? here's the drill:
they're the tongue-to-tooth consonants. will
you use  t for a start?
no?  that ""raspberry tart""
is a linguolabial trill.
"
"buccaneers once jerked meat on a grill
made of wood (a boucan). they might still
be the barbecue kings,
but they liked gold and rings
and turned pirate for more of a thrill.
"
"satan's horses, no rinky-dink ginks,
are huge bugs, glossed with devilish inks.
devil's coach-horses (grubbers
and hunters); and lubbers
(his horses) can also spew stinks.
"
"whether given to monarch or yeoman,
or american, english or roman,
a family name
or ? not nearly the same ?
someone's nickname's a byname (cognomen).
"
"this fruit, used in aztec cuisine,
was named ""testicle.""  sir, do you mean
avocado implies
they admired its size,
or  their bollocks were pear-shaped and green?
"
"an annulate tree's in a horde
that confess to their ages when cored.
every annual ring
will divulge a fresh spring.
still, far better be cored than be board.
"
"the abbess was pacing the lawn;
i arrived there and found she'd withdrawn.
if i were obsessive,
i'd use the abessive:
ab esse means something is gone.
"
"no rooster would crow ""croodle-doo,""
but doves croodle (in scots, that's ""to coo."")
a meaning that's gone
is ""to coax"" or ""to fawn.""
but ""to cuddle up close"" still rings true.
"
"from london to sault ste. marie,
the brightest new wood of a tree
is just under the bark ?
not the heartwood, or dark
inner wood, but the sapwood or blea.
"
"bombyliidae: bee flies. they buzz,
sip on nectar, wear gold-and-black fuzz.
but as larvae, they munch
larval namesakes ? a bunch
of debased, parasitical scuzz.
"
"my armor is strong, chased with brass,
the tuilles, cuisse and pauldrons first-class.
a culet? my sweet,
since i'd never beat feet,
i've no reason to cover my ass.
"
"if you verb any noun (""let me text"")
or reverse that (""you ouched those injects!""),
anthimeria rules.
'twas among shakespeare's tools,
so grammarians shouldn't be vexed.
"
"agagite: hater of jews,
like haman, of bigoted views
and murderous lotto.
now let us get blotto
and blot out his name, drowned in boos.
"
"this verse is my brainchild. big wow.
the gods did it better, and how.
said zeus, ""not tonight;
i've a headache,"" and bright-
eyed athena popped out of his brow.
"
"back when tudor was more than a rose,
cotton bombace stuffed doublets and hose.
padded fustian thus lies
in what we now despise
as bombastical verses and prose.
"
"as we cantered, my buddy, bud, bantered,
""dan, an oenophile'd call you a dan-turd.
this gait is so jerky
your port will be murky.""
said i, ""it's already decantered.""
"
"those old-timey docs knew what's what:
""an aperient cleanses the gut.
black draught and blue pills
can prevent many ills
in the springtime. it's open and shut.""
"
"though proportions of each are not fixed,
it is senna and epsom salts, mixed.
a healthy black draught
sends impurities aft,
so your symptoms will soon be deep-sixed.
"
"""once, as well as the past tense of do,
done meant 'very' or 'down' ? 'kinda,' too.
sometimes english seems foreign
to me ? like andorran.""
""that's catalan.""  ""well, then, urdu.""
"
"any leather-bound science or law
drew lamb's spleen (really stuck in his craw).
said he, full of loathing,
""they're things in book's clothing,
thus biblia a-biblia. paugh!""
"
"a&amp;r ? record company guy
signing groups he expects to fly high.
when it's downcased, it's crime,
as some gun-toting slime
whispers, ""kiss all your money good-bye.""
"
"the asian palm civet's a critter
whose digestion makes java less bitter.
fecal beans that it downed
run six c-notes the pound?
here, toddy cat! come, use your litter!
"
"they spilled all my trash, then beat feet
down the grass between sidewalk and street.
those devil-kids zip
on the soft devil strip.
if i catch 'em, those kids are dead meat.
"
"from scunthorpe to mousehole, i learn,
a solid wood door-post's a durn
and from that, perhaps, came
a mine's strong timber frame ?
it's a durns. and with that, i'll adjourn.
"
"as she wept for ophelia, gert noted,
in the garlands with which the maid floated,
dead men's fingers ? not pink,
but long purples (a wink),
called by shepherds ... what's purple and bloated?
"
"""it's the cruellest month,"" tommy said,
""breeding lilacs in land that was dead.
but it's even more cruel
when it yells, 'april fool!'
and reverts to a snowstorm instead.""
"
"out at elbows but kind, jerry buys
not pecan but black huckleberry pies.
do we mind? no, indeedy.
this fruit, sweet though seedy,
is a treat all with tastebuds should prize.
"
"if your group'sh really shloshed (all togezzer!)
use bibhical bottlesh to meazzre.
like balthazars ? four
jeroboams (you pour!),
or four-fifths of a nebuchadnezzar.
"
"was he crazed? not a whit. scotch those rumours.
shakespeare's  crasis ? his blending of humours ?
was in exquisite balance.
that (and manifold talents)
made him one of life's brightest illumers.
"
"trademarked ac'cent (with capital a)
makes you fat or demented, some say.
other scientists find,
in their trials (double blind),
msg is, most likely, ok.
"
"well, vulcan, my dear, just between us,
titan arum bouquets won't sway venus.
i note, without malice,
it's amorphophallus
titanum?a huge ugly penis.
"
"if you emule an emu, you'll run
with your beak way out front, and your bun
(okay, buns) way behind.
if you try it, you'll find
emulation of ratites ain't fun.
"
"of course i'm a little, uh, witchy ?
these pants are all scratchy and itchy.
their weave must be full
of that coarse, hind-leg wool ?
someone should have removed it as britchy.
"
"""where's my pa?"" the republicans yell,
thinking cleveland's campaign to dispell.
was it really his sperm?
but, with never a squirm,
""tell the truth,"" grover says. and does well.
"
"i admit, i'm a tiddly bit fried.
(more champagne!) see, my love never died
though the gal loved my bud.
now i fall with a thud,
and allide with the bride i had eyed.
"
"as punishment, teddy must write
definitions for words ending ""-cyte"".
it's exhausted his biro ?
from acantho- to xero-
there's hundreds of cells.  he's contrite.
"
"just one vowel, one tiny false note'll
turn bells into balls, just as crotal
(a jingle bell ? round,
with a gay, jangling sound)
with one consonant turns into scrotal.
"
"when grown-ups ask, ""what do you play?""
my sister annette likes to say,
""the crotals ? percussion.""
you'll note she's not rushin'
to say ""mounted bells from a sleigh.""
"
"come, fluffy! it's time for a slug
of this antihelminthic ? a drug
anthelmintic. both terms
mean it rids you of worms.
now, dad blast it, cat! open your mug!
"
"stupid crown cap won't twist! so i pried.
my incisors both broke when i tried.
when the doc saw the gap,
he said, ""time for a cap
(that's a crown) for each stub. open wide.""
"
"australia's top predator came
five millennia past, with a name
like to rex or bow-wow.
it went feral, and now
yellow dingoes range far from our flame.
"
"while covering nixon and spiro,
i thought of the journalist's hero.
though from london to cairo
his eponym's biro,
the ballpoint's inventor was b?r?.
"
"mother goose knows a fine-fettled cat
who fiddles ""hey diddle."" by that,
she may mean a twiddle
that's bowed from a fiddle
or nonsense sung long before scat.
"
"""where's the mustard? you're driving me nuts! it
goes into this dingus, this whatsit.""
""it's not very big,
that odd thingamajig.
what's it do with the mustard?""  ""it cuts it.""
"
"when he's first leaving fawnhood, a stag
has a straight pointed horn, called a dag.
is the deer in that thicket
a brocket or pricket?
either way, he's no beast for my bag.
"
"""don't emure us!"" the kittens all mew.
says mom, ""what a hullabaloo!
i would not wall you in,
but for making this din,
i'll enmew you ? confine you ? for true.""
"
"this condition is truly severe ?
a colliquative fever, i fear.
see her flesh melt away,
wasting day after day,
as if liquified. pray for my dear.
"
"""discoblastula (blastoderm) suite"":
to the blast of a seventies beat
caper swift, whippy sperm.
""dance with me! i'm your germ!""
the most fleet meets a sex-babe gamete.
"
"if they're eels, then they're fish, though they're long.
they've got teeth ? lots and lots. they are strong.
in our watery sphere,
they start toothless and clear
and grow into a predator throng.
"
"""here's a skunk, nicely powdered and prinked,
with her musk glands removed."" father winked.
""when she raises her plume
you need not leave the room.
from her ilk she is contradistinct.""
"
"if wriggles and slime make you shiver,
then an eel-fare'd curdle your liver.
tiny eels, some like glass,
others dark, in a mass
squirm their muculent way up the river.
"
"in a desperate search, i said, ""where
are the mates? all dispaired! i can't bear
it! my laundry bag mocks
me with disparate socks.""
ah, a match! it dispels my despair.
"
"silly baas fill the swamp, far and near,
but no woolies. can sheep disappear?
in the leaf-litter, loads
of small narrowmouth toads
shout the lovesongs and odes that you hear.
"
"moctezuma said, ""here's ahuacatl,""
speaking nahuatl, with stops far from glottal.
some conquistadors heard
avocado. my word ?
oily lawyer juice, straight from the bottle!
"
"not a hobby for carefree curvetters,
every autogram counts its own letters.
""this sentence, one sees,
has four as, 18 es ...""
rampant omphaloskepsis in fetters.
"
"can you tell me why day turns to night
and a wandering ten-year-old might
grow up stay-at-home-y? e-
nantiodromia?
growth into opposites? right.
"
"i strongly suspect my new boarder
has body dysmorphic disorder.
though he's ripped, rocky thinks
his physique truly stinks.
well, the last was an animal hoarder.
"
"that leather is fine, but forsooth,
it is eelskin in name, not in truth.
it's from fish that exude
tons of slime (ew, how rude!),
and hagfish-skin sounds so uncouth.
"
"though my vision was bleared, far and nearer,
the giggle-fest reason got clearer.
while i slept, i'd been shaved
as i found when i laved
and distressfully looked in the mirror.
"
"donno why his self-image is swollen;
lord knows the guy's far from a solon.
his head needs emersion ?
anal-cranial inversion
has him viewing the world through his colon.
"
"behold now behemoth: eats grass;
has bones hard as iron or brass.
he slurps up a river.
consider and shiver:
i made him. and job, you're an ass.
"
"with a beetlejuice cocktail, you think
it's an innocent, ladylike drink
since the juice that's stirred in
masks the vodka or gin.
juicy cocktail beetles? they stink.
"
"my trap's on the thames ? no mere runnel
for my eelbuck.  its wide wicker funnel
leads the long, slimy fish
(each one luscious and lish)
to my hands through a dead-ended tunnel.
"
"""look! those lovely green fronds, roughly framed
by rocks on that cliff!""  i exclaimed.
closer up, dark on green ?
""o, that looks like a spleen!""
that's how maidenhair spleenwort was named.
"
"there go castor and twin polydeuces ?
they were hatched from one egg (swan's, not goose's).
double-yolked they began;
double-yoked, like a span
of fine oxen, they live. are both zeus's?
"
"small brass buttons ? do flowers get lowlier?
can't stand hills. loving land that is bowly-er,
salty wetlands they settle.
they haven't one petal.
they're  cotula coronopifolia.
"
"these parasites, apicomplexans,
sicken arthropods, molluscs and texans
by base self-insertion
in cells. such subversion
starts thousands of nasty infexans.
"
"in list after list, you can learn
it means ""guest becomes family."" spurn
that spurious host!
agenhina's a ghost
word ? a lexical pratfall (from byrne).
"
"shall we dance?  shall we get in the groovement?
you ask: ""step, with a rhythmical movement
of our torsos and arms,
to the music?"" your charms,
little geek, need a bit of improvement.
"
"though hen's teeth are scarce, i'm a nerdoid
who says some teeth are thoroughly birdoid.
both boreal and austral
birds ? called dentirostral,
or beak-toothed ? are thrushes (they're turdoid).
"
"the botanist said, ""you forgot any
folklore you knew. if you spot any
leaves of three, let it be.""
leaves? no, heralds agree
those are buds at each tip of ""cross bottony.""
"
"lota lota, the eel-mother, shouts
to her brood of young lawyers, ""you sprouts,
you are eelpouts and burbots,
not eels or young turbots.
act like freshwater cod!""  and she pouts.
"
"ms. dahlia, a flowery dame, 'n'
her buddy, rosetta, were blamin'
one jimson d. weeds
for lobelia's odd seeds.
said rosie, ""he's such a damn stamen.""
"
"i know i neglected to call yez,
so here is a heap of fine dahlias.
some are yellow, some red,
some as big as my head.
come on up! there are plenny for all yez.
"
"nay, velvet or silk i'll eschew
for my codpiece. this wood ought to do:
from the part of a tree
where a branch made a v,
crotch veneer's smart and durable, too.
"
"with a mike on a tubular stand
and an earpiece you held in your hand
the candlestick phone
was the greatest thing known
until cradle phones. then it got canned.
"
"pastor michael's revivals can raise
any roof. the ""amens"" ring for days.
pastor jay? people say,
""well, i guess he's okay.""
his sermons are damned with faint praise.
"
"""i want cheesecake!"" he shouted (not blurtlessly),
""eat your spinach,"" said mom, all divertlessly.
""it's yucky!"" he flung
it and stuck out his tongue,
but felt he was punished desertlessly.
"
"genus acris: the species names, willis?
""they're blanchardi, um, crepitans, gryllus.
you find cricket frogs
in ditches and bogs.""
(like the frogs, he's puffed up and orgillous.)
"
"antistrophe ? let us repeat
certain words as we finish. 'tis mete
to complete every clause
with such phrases, because
as our ends meet, our finish is neat.
"
"clad in armor of sable, he went
to demand an extortionate rent:
""if you pay, i won't pillage
your farms and your village.""
""this is black-mail,"" they grumble, forespent.
"
"this bird with a teardrop-shaped crest
is called for its home in the west,
but its call's never ceased
to hearken back east:
""chicago!"" it cries, dispossessed.
"
"though webster's contends that entend
means ""attend to,"" i'd tend to amend
any footnote i see
with that gloss. oed
says it's simply ""intend"". that's the end.
"
"some have long droops of blooms (no restraint),
others foliage brighter than paint.
acalypha ? without
a ""calyph""? no, my sprout,
it means nettle. that's weird, 'cause it ain't.
"
"after flowing iambics, tout suite,
slap a spondee (a double hard beat).
since they halt like a gimp
they're called iambs that limp ?
choliambics are lines with flat feet.
"
"asteroidea (starfish) aren't fleet,
but can smell through their small, sticky feet.
their first stomachs extrude
to engulf largish food;
at their top, they've a hole to excrete.
"
"his buccinators popping, the diz
(john gillespie) was truly a wiz
on that crazy bent horn.
he led bebop (to scorn
from old fogies) ? the best in the biz.
"
"what a wimp of a word!  but y'know,
also changed from its old status quo.
now just ""too"" or ""as well,""
once its strength could compel:
even thus, in such wise, wholly so.
"
"on the playground, ""i'm rubber, you're glue""
returns all your insults to you.
""back atcha"" can spurn
slighting scorn or return
""lots of luck!"" ""you're the best!"" or ""woo-hoo!""
"
"skunks are sleek, with a tail like a plume.
but the badger skunk tail's like a broom.
with his hog-nose (no snubs),
conepatus grubs grubs,
and he really could use some perfume.
"
"not a freshman, mom ? fourth-class cadet,
sometimes doolie. (that's ""slave"".)  no, nix, nyet,
they are not talking bad o' me
at the air force academy ?
the first cadets chose it. don't fret.
"
"when these little buff birds with brown flecks
straighten upright and stretch out their necks,
they sound out a call
that's their genus and all.
that's not latin, it's corn crake: crex crex.
"
"those humans wiped out all our kin.
now we'll make them atone for their sin.
bacillus and coccus,
those humans can't block us!
antibiotic resistance. we'll win.
"
"that ""pirate-speak"" rumble-grunt, arr
is a word for a wound or a scar;
""he be arred"" ? he is vexed,
angered, worried. what's next?
arr means ""snarl,"" like a cur at a car.
"
"enchanting (delightfully charming)
the sailors found circe.  disarming,
betailing, besnouting,
the inner man outing,
she enswined them. how truly alarming!
"
"comic opera plots sure are zany 'uns.
the servants are always the brainy 'uns,
bored olympian gods
learn the cancan in squads,
and some lovers pretend they're albanians.
"
"if a barge for spilled oil's what one craves,
this long sausage-shaped bag's drawing raves.*
since a dracone can float,
it is towed by a boat
and it undulates over the waves.
"
"eichmann, deathsman to millions: ""no fear
and no blindfold for me."" made severe
by the great evil done,
eichmann's deathsman killed one,
and it haunted his dreams for a year.
"
"""two millennia past, i assever,
i knew i would love you forever.
now you've vowed you are mine,""
said the bristlecone pine.
""so i'm annulate ? better than never.""
"
"although fog, mist and rain as they pass
leave no stain on the pane (hey ? it's glass),
over ages, they make
its clear surface opaque.
it's devitrified, crazed, second-class.
"
"here's a gobstopper-sized dum dum pop:
sphere of sugar and flavor, atop
a rolled paper stick.
suck it slow or chomp quick,
it can make teeth decay and then drop.
"
"although lexicons say that they're small,
often mischievous, somehow they all
like to think of themselves
as high fantasy elves ?
vastly cultured, most graceful, and tall.
"
"sheriff sue died in harness today,
perusing a suspect's dossier.
like a horse in its traces,
she died working. her paces
were sleep and full blast, never play.
"
"as each cabra and kid sweetly sleeps,
chupacabra, the goat-sucker, leaps
like a 'roo, though reptilian.
see goat throats vermilion
with gore, caprid corpses in heaps.
"
"our knowledge has still got some flaws;
we're really not sure of the cause.
but these ulcers you've got ?
desert sores (barcoo rot) ?
are less deep but more pus-y than yaws.
"
"cramoisy ? shade of the worm,
like vermilion and crimson. the germ
of the name is that dead
kermes-bugs furnished red
for the romans and arabs, long-term.
"
"there's my managing partner. oh, hey, bob!
dormant partners can sleep. what's a day job?
sure, i play. i'm not shirking;
my cash does the working.
i'm the fat-cat investor and nabob.
"
"other spiders suck bugs and such dry.
not the panther-named kiplingi. why
does a herbivore need
to leap for its feed?
to evade stinging ants, i reply.
"
"as a group, a victorian flub:
these are clavicorns ? beetles with club-
shaped projections (antennae).
they're diverse, and so many!
they're among cucujoidea, bub.
"
"ecumenical council? we thought
it would hear from all faiths, so we'd brought
hindus, muslims, baha'is,
jews and protestants. why's
that ol' pope say, ""your journey's for naught""?
"
"the crab-running, crooked-legged bay
started out of the running that day
then ran wide round the pack.
there was no looking back ?
a dark horse won the derby. hurray!
"
"the acacia ant lives in a tree
and protects it from bugs, beasts or me
with a mob of its sisters.
nasty swellings and blisters
can rise from their stings. i'd sure flee.
"
"""for my chowder, there's nothing impedible:
these oysters are [censored] incredible!
leave no praises unvoiced ?
they are succulent, moist ...""
""blecch. they're just barely esculent (edible).""
"
"sir calidore searched west and east,
found and muzzled the dread blattant beast.
with its clamorous lungs,
iron teeth, thousand tongues
blocked with chains, blatant calumny ceased.
"
"maybe doublets were just in the air.
he rolled boxcars. hard ten, a square pair
for me; jimmie hicks (hard),
ballerina ... i'm jarred,
hitting snake-eyes. crapped out with a flair!
"
"the waiter has waited to say,
""the specials du jour (of the day)
include beef with eaux juice,
vishyswah, charlotte russe
and ersta and swimp gratinee.""
"
"a dag is, with people, inept ?
maybe nerdy. the word hasn't kept
its original sense
of a (don't take offense)
tough eccentric?but one we accept.
"
"we backlit suzette so her hair
would glow in a nimbus. she's fair,
and the light that we shined
on her head from behind
made her look like an angel, i swear.
"
"he's so upright and gallant a wight
that there's none who's as parfit a knight.
none can even reach parity:
his sheer exemplarity
leaves me in awe and uptight.
"
"exuviation's most noticed in snakes,
which slip off their skins without breaks,
while a lizard will scratch
at a sloughing-off patch.
we humans shed cells ? itsy flakes.
"
"as i twanged on my big banjo bass
and sang (with a drawl) ""midnight lace,""
kip said, ""alla these vowels
will drive me to howls.
get your assonance outta my face.""
"
"??????????????????diamante:
?????????????constrain?d, concise
??????describe, fill, expand, semi-splice
?shape,??????turn;????????meter,??????rhyming,
?????think, ?? play, ? dancing, ?? chiming
????????????anapestic, ? limerical
????????????????????spice  
"
"guy fawkes felt that god gave him reason
for plotting a gunpowder treason.
in the fall of the leaf
all his plans came to grief.
i guess autumn just wasn't his season.
"
"for protection from jimmy's rude goose,
i'm wearing a long, loose burnoose.
the wide robe spikes his guns
by hiding my buns.
(the hood i leave down ? it's not spruce.)
"
"bring such riff-raff for beef on a bun?
social mixing is simply not done.
please, curb your hilarity.
such gross familiarity
breeds contempt for their betters, my son.
"
"a factotum, i do every task:
write a letter, produce a grand masque,
make a totem pole or a
small top,* teach the hora ?
and i finish before you can ask.
"
"said abraham, ""lord, here i am.""
""burn a corban unheard of: no lamb,
but sweet isaac, your son.""
with the deed all but done,
an angel said, ""look! here's a ram!""
"
"a menopause pause. life descends
through a maze of undignified trends.
i thought pads would, at last,
be a thing of the past,
but from kotex i've moved to depends.
"
"the fat fats fatted fat in a fat ?
obese fops slathered grease in a vat.
using fine silken mops,
they slopped unctuous glops
before adding a frog-toe and bat.
"
"the pop-star's reviews are quite blunt:
she lip-synchs! her act's just a stunt!
timbuk3 sparked no rage
with the boombox on stage,
their backing tracks always up-front.
"
"minister reads: i can't read, but i sing (even shout)
congregation sings: i can't read, but i sing (even shout)
minister: every line that the rev. deacons out.
congregation: every line that the rev. deacons out.
minister: and besides, if you look
congregation: and besides, if you look
minister: we ain't got but one book.
congregation: we ain't got but one book.
minister: sure, we're poor, but our folks are devout.
congregation: sure, we're poor, but our folks are devout.
"
"be you athiest, muslim or hasid,
your desoxyribonucleic acid
like a bee's or a bean's,
holds heredity: genes
help decide if you're wiry or flaccid.
"
"mama sprat thinks her jack is right bratty:
he eschews any bite a mite fatty ?
won't put butter on yam,
cuts the white from his ham,
squeezes grease from his hamburger patty.
"
"t.h. huxley (to hearty applause)
said, ""the carinate birds, by their jaws,
are divided in four:
desmognathous, three more.""
his taxonomy, though, had some flaws.
"
"puppy's leg was a mess when we found it ?
the buzzards were gathering round it.
but at mistress's urgin',
her worthy chirurgeon
poulticed comfrey and wine to consound it.
"
"death camases give me the willies.
they look like some edible ""lilies,""
but their bulbs, leaves and flowers
can kill you in hours,
whether you stands for ewes, cows or fillies.
"
"here a cony (long ears, little tail)
hops along on the lagomorph trail.
there a con, up a tree
with a cadged goober pea,
waves its tail to impress a sweet frail.
"
"that is culrage ? don't eat it now, chum.
though a cultivar, calmed, has become
a veg in japan,
i was never a fan ?
and wild smartweed enrages your bum.
"
"our sick count's truly noble ? a fount
of good aid as our sufferings mount.
but we've always abhorred
that young profligate lord.
the son's no-'count. o, lord, save our count.
"
"i'm grounded? ground him! let me free!
he called me a monkey-boy. me,
i just mooned him to show
it was not apropos:
i'm acaudate, like apes. qed.
"
"""of arms and a hero i tell,
chased from troy down to italy.""  well,
had aeneas stayed home,
we'd have never had rome,
though he hastened sad dido's death-knell.
"
"a bowl is a ball, but not round
(that's the jack), so it rolls on the ground
in a long curving track
as it heads for the jack,
if the lawn has no ripple or mound.
"
"the emperor rules, all alone,
from a huge, high-backed chair called a throne.
a magistrate, you rule
from a stool known as curule,
hinged and portable. (throne? overblown.)
"
"water pepper ? don't wipe with it, zany!
you'll wind up inflamed and all painy.
if you're dumb, you will learn
arsesmart causes a burn
but it won't make your buttocks more brainy.
"
"refinement and beauty and grace,
he displays 'em all over the place.
and for years i have felt
i should give him a belt
in his ever-so-elegant face.
"
"these ""congers"" aren't eels ? they have legs
(well, vestigial, eensy-toed pegs).
got no eyelids nor tongue.
though deserting their young,
amphiumidae cherish their eggs.
"
"though both hide in the leaves while you're hiking,
a rattlesnake warns before striking;
but a copperhead lurks
for an ambush, and smirks.
such treachery's not to my liking.
"
"""what's an amphiphile?"" ""ma, tell your daughter!
any -phile isn't doin' what he oughter.""
ma said, ""pa, hold your peace.
just means one end grabs grease,
while the other end dives into water.""
"
"a corsair plies a course on the sea,
while a courser's a horsey grandee.
'course, corsairs' lofty courses
need wind. but those horses
with wind?  they're just gross. yuck, pew-ee!
"
"if in verse i should wish to expound
upon love or whatever, i've found
that old will's english sonnet ?
three quatrains upon it,
then a couplet ? will cover the ground.
"
"the brute strode toward our coach with a swagger,
and my pistol-shots just made him stagger.
now my dags both were spent,
so i dropped them and went
for my rapier and damascened dagger.
"
"said boris, ""natasha, my pearl,
how many surrealist girl
must work all through night
changing frostbite falls light?""
she answered, alogically, ""squirrel.""
"
"the bullhorn acacia's a plant
without poison protection. its slant
on defense is providing
huge thorns for the hiding
of a swift, vicious species of ant.
"
"who can read enchiridions fast?
books essential to x can be vast.
but six words said it all
in our son's loopy scrawl:
get out now. cthulhu rules unsurpassed.
"
"a clag is a thick mess of muck
clogged up in a clot that got stuck
on your clothes or a shoe
or a sheep's behind. eew.
my ewe has got dags ? icky yuck.
"
"my hens aren't at all up to scratch,
and my owls laid a super big batch.
in eccaleobions,
eggs, ovoid and globy 'uns,
keep just the right heat till they hatch.
"
"that albatross, bird that you hate ?
is it mollymawk, sooty or great?
or perhaps (be specific)
a fine north pacific?
all diomedeidae, mate.
"
"i saw jesus! what ? haven't you heard?
it's right here, in ephesians' third.
but my doc has the thesis
it's just eisegesis ?
projection straight into the word.
"
"anteclypeus: down toward the base
of an insect's hard, helmeted face,
it's above the top tip
of what might be a lip
if that wasn't a bug in the case.
"
"bunolagus: a genus of one,
the riverine rabbit. undone
by short lives, tiny litters
and farms, they're not quitters
but sadly could soon drop to none.
"
"he's a dag-boy: he snips off the dags
(locks of wool clogged with dirt (cf. clags))
at a sheep's hinder end.
he is also my friend,
so don't call him a dag, you old hags.
"
"arthrodira: think sharks without teeth,
in a sturdy and tough bony sheath.
a less-armored joint
in their neck let them point ?
left and right? no, above and beneath.
"
"this spoon-worm's right nasty. i say,
gimme 'murrican food any day.
a marine ""icky urine?""
it's gotta be furrin.
gimme oysters, straight outa the bay.
"
"the judicial campaigns hit the air
with ads that are meant just to scare.
now, let's put the stress meant
on disinteressment ?
are they wisely impartial and fair?
"
"""u.s. alligator lizards,"" kim wrote us,
""just two genera ? teach won't promote us
if either one's missed
in our anguidae list:
1. elgaria
2. gerrhonotus.""
"
"excuse me, sir, please do not fuss;
this is customs, and i must excuss
all your luggage: go through it.
been smuggling sir? knew it:
here's contraband ... seized. off the bus!
"
"the hem of my cloak zigs and zags
in long pennant-like streamers called dags;
and the laces i use
when i tie up my shoes
end in dags ? aglets, latchets or tags.
"
"all three of us have esp,
but we're different as different can be.
i can talk with the dead;
she sees times yet ahead;
he reads thoughts (for a sizable fee).
"
"for amoebae, they're huge ? i can spy
shapeless chaos with nakedish eye.
with a 'scope, i see lots
of tee-tiny dark spots:
they've a nuclear oversupply.
"
"out in warwickshire, said as we pass,
""there's a nice flop of dag on the grass""
means a thick fall of dew
is what's wetting my shoe,
and not something revolting and crass.
"
"this crab's outside's a beautiful winner:
""lovely swimmer."" and as for the inner
blue crab, call it ""savory"":
succulent, flavory.
let's have three dozen for dinner.
"
"""it's cat 5? omigawd! load the van!
gotta boogie as fast as we can.
that storm will destroy ...""
""not in butte. just deploy
one-gig cable for data, my man.""
"
"acacias are big, thorny peas:
mimosoideae, shrubs up to trees.
leaflets line up by two
along stems. bugs that chew
them risk alkaloid poisoning sprees.
"
"""alas, he's a cad,"" she said haggardly.
""in virtue, his growth was most laggardly.
corruptly and shamefully,
basely and blamefully,
he grew ever more evil and blackguardly.""
"
"they were loading a big tanker car
when it leaked, spewing gunk near and far ?
nasty chemicals. gosh,
decontaminate: wash
them all off right outside the er.
"
"i'm the lord of the manor. it's grand
to have faldage: the right to command
where my tenants' fine herds
drop their little round turds.
do your duty: manure my green land.
"
"""alouette,"" she sweetly tra-lalled.
""no more skylark,"" i whispered, appalled.
see, there's something just wrong
in a bouncy kids' song
about plucking a birdie all bald.
"
"for king hamlet (not lear or macbeth),
poisoned cochlea cost him his breath.
his brother, quite cheerful,
turned spoonful to earful ?
1 scant cochleare of death.
"
"yeah, i left while the rest of you supped,
and i know my good-bye was abrupt.
my explosiveness pales
beside dad's, and mom quails
when we fight. i try not to erupt.
"
"a small sponge left a skeletal trace
that predates any eyes. (what's a face?)
in the deeps, all unseen, a
coronacollina
acula used spines as a brace.
"
"in a pirogue we drift, floating free
over water as dark as ice tea.
the current is slow
but we've nowhere to go.
on a bayou, by you ? fine by me.
"
"be it brick, thick adobe or board,
restrictive or wide-open-doored,
tall and steepled or squat,
if you're christian, you're  taught
that your church is the house of the lord.
"
"that he gave but a mite, we are told,
is no reason to scoff and be cold.
let nobody derogate
him who doth erogate
all that his pocket doth hold.
"
"on the vault freddie fangs had acquired
for his daily unrest (well attired,
as always), we read,
"".daednur of dev res ertluav""
we decrypted and staked; he expired.
"
"your immune system tries to rebuff
peanuts, cheese, pollen, pork ... harmless stuff
to the rest of us maxes
in anaphylaxis
for you. you're allergic. it's rough.
"
"there's a thousand-plus snout moths? i'm bored:
""this genus is one in a horde.
most ephestia are small;
some are pesty withal ?
e.g., flour moths are widely deplored.""
"
"a crow step's decor at the top
of a gable. should step turn to hop,
it's no longer a course
but a jump by a horse.
with arched back and stiff legs, up he'll pop.
"
"""hey, mom, i've a chance at my dream ?
the x-treme harley acrobats team!""
she frowned at me, scaring
me out of my daring:
she eyebrowed me out of my scheme.
"
"fear of god is not terror alone;
add submission, respect: lord, you own
me and mine, heart and soul.
we are awed. we extol
thee whose greatness can never be known.
"
"susie's runs were nonstop, and a drench
didn't work. then miguel flushed a wrench
and a lightbulb to see
what would happen. poo-ee!
the whole house had a feculent stench.
"
"""o mage,"" said the high priest of thoth.
""i conjure you ? constrain you by oath ?
that you always be sure
every conjuring's pure,
lest the god of all magic be wroth.""
"
"the lubber said, ""captain, i'm bored,
and a duellist. soon you'll be scored.""
""crew! fall off!"" he was skewered
when the ship slewed to leeward.
he staggered straight into my sword.
"
"""o abul-abbas, tusky steed,
i shall send thee, the pride of thy breed,
to the cold kafr land
of king charles the grand,
with a clock,"" mused haroun al-rashid.
"
"the ciliolate-toothed monkeyflower springs
in high, sandy washes. it brings
tiny blooms, no way scary.
so why teeth (even hairy)?
i don't care. dare i climb where it clings?
"
"""electrophoridae! think they have seen us?
i hope that they swim in between us.
these knifefish"" (he squeals)
""are electric, not eels,
and the only fish found in their genus.""
"
"i felled the fell beast; made a belt
from its tanned and tooled fell; fashioned felt
from the dread creature's fur;
fed the heart to my cur ?
used my kill, from its guts to its pelt.
"
"broken strokes create light. we all stare
as impressionists paint en plein air.
""form and color must change
for emotional range,""
the expressionist artists declare.
"
"in the volga and weser and don
swim the silvery scaled, nearly wan
b. ballerus (zope).
want to see 'em? then scope
out the shallows ? they're coming to spawn.
"
"the yellow wax pepper is hot,
while the big sweet banana is not.
the dried ancho is mild
(poblano, my child).
this capsicum lore is hard-bought.
"
"a black ape is no ape (though it's black),
but a celebes crested macaque:
a monkey that's found
in a troop on the ground,
munching fruit or a lizardy snack.
"
"after lunch i was out by the slough.
big ol' birds shouted,  ""who cooks for you?""
then cackled and laughed
like as if they'd gone daft.
they're barred owls (strix varia, too).
"
"it was such a bright cart, painted yellow,
with each spoke and each axle and felloe
(a curved piece of rim)
painted red. ""don't be grim,
ratty boy!"" came the toad's cheerful bellow.
"
"in queensland i'm out for a walk
but billy balls stop me. i gawk.
an explosion of green
sprouts tall stalks ('leventeen),
tiny sun at the end of each stalk.
"
"anna's hummingbird: jewel on wings,
he's a hummer who buzzes and sings.
watch him dive-bomb to court
and then pull himself short.
i could watch him through thousands of springs.
"
"anent sweet persephone's history:
did aeschylus face a consistory?
and did he reveal
what he'd sworn to conceal
as an epopt, adept in her mystery?
"
"""are you fence-sitting, mom, or just '-riding?""
i don't know either term, so i'm biding
my time till i know
which way i should go.
oh! they both mean ""averse to deciding.""
"
"in new orleans, where girl turns to goil,
there's a party that's known as a boil.
you berl a crustacean
and serve without ration
on newspaper. eat! it'll spoil!
"
"in the desert, an ear-tip appears
(with its mate) as i drink. half my beer's
in my gut when a nose
comes in sight. thus it goes,
for a fennec's a fox that's all ears.
"
"what is calculus? hard dental plaque;
an accretion that brings an attack
of great pain; and the range
of mathematics of change.
my calc book's like stone: hard to crack.
"
"exaration is writing on stone
(not incising); or writing, alone;
or what's written (with pen,
pencil, crayon ...); and, then,
it is plowing. 'tis all overblown.
"
"the carnifex pressed him with stones,
adding weight straight from matins to nones,
while flaying the rest,
leaving arms, legs and chest
unfleshed, excarnificated bones.
"
"buy my spiral-leaved tropical plants!
weird bromeliads ? sure to entrance!
these are watered by fogs;
this one holds larval frogs.
avoid that ? it's a haven for ants.
"
"the mustachioed villain comes near;
snidely's heartless demeanor is clear.
but dudley, the hero,
says, ""snide, you're a zero!""
and to nell, tied to tracks, ""have no fear!""
"
"though her share of the bounty is scant,
the ergate, the tough worker ant,
grubs for food. she gets blisters
feeding mom and her sisters,
never tells the fat queen, ""no, i can't.""
"
"belshazzar asked daniel to scan
mene mene. said daniel, ""i can:
'idol-worshippers all,
now your kingdom will fall.'""
said belshazzar, ""yo, dan! you da man!""
"
"""here are fewmets of bongo and gnu ? do
you know their connection to kudu?""
""i deduce from these feces
they're antelope species.""
""it's true, lou ? you do know your doo-doo!""
"
"the diatribist sneered, never terse
in her tirades. ""die, tribe! you are worse
than a sounder of swine.
all your men drink and whine,
while your women are foul and perverse.""
"
"there once was a man with a beard
who mused to himself, ""i am feared
of a limerick trap.
i would rather write rap.
i find anapests stupid,"" he sneered.
"
"although simple, my vow is not facile.
as your knight, o my king, i'm your vassal
and bow to your realty,
swearing my fealty:
my allegiance to lord, land and castle.
"
"he's out to kill catamounts (cougar).
why pick on the shadow cat? (boo! grr!)
get a ghost cat? or doom a
painter, panther or puma?
i'm hiding that idiot's ruger!
"
"""so how should our sect choose attire
for our clergy? should parishes fire
any hapless divine
who lusts after wine?
the cloth covers both,"" said the friar.
"
"two a.m., and he plays his damn sax.
forged for battle, my old danish axe
has a really long blade.
with my damsax, i've made
brass confetti with just a few whacks.
"
"it's the earthling's black earthing today:
his interment. our plans go astray
when that ear-thing he's wearing
alerts him. he's haring
to earth, as his earthing? no way!
"
"our chanteyman sings of the ocean,
of whale-fish, of drink and devotion,
and of work: heave a pawl;
furl the sail; haul, boys, haul!
his aim: to coordinate motion.
"
"emasculators crimp as they cut:
clamp an artery, sever a nut.
in my equine ag courses,
i learned they're for horses ?
asses' arteries must be tied shut.
"
"from the largest of whales to the least
eensy bumblebee bat, they've increased
in the sheltered and gentle
warm womb: they're placental ?
eutherian, each a ""true beast.""
"
"when other buds think, ""blooming's folly ?
there's still snow on the ground!"" t. nivale
pops out petals in threes
and trills out to the breeze,
""time to wake, robin!"" (robin's not jolly.)
"
"we needed beau geste, but bo peep
was our leader. our foes, with one sweep,
forced our utter dispersal.
that swingeing reversal
disperpled us, shepherdless sheep.
"
"their cries are high kees, and not squawks.
they fly low to the ground, since the stalks
and the leaves hide their prey.
they are active by day.
this circus is full of small hawks.
"
"woolen pants, worn to ward autumn shivers,
gather cleavers or hedge-burs* (great givers ?
each seedpod, a bur,
cleaves to clothes, hair, or fur).
_____
*robin-run-in-the-grass; also clivers.
"
"like aeneas, i strew purple blooms
and sweet lilies, by handsful, on tombs.
a perp dashes past,
then police. in a blast,
my bouquets are disperpled by zooms.
"
"elaphodus cephalophus dwells here,
up in china's high crags. nature's queer:
it can't bear that you stare
at its fangs and punk hair,
for it's painfully shy. what a deer.
"
"can't stand fire; live in swift, never hot, water,
and i simply can't live where there's not water;
so i just have to gag
at this ""hellbender"" tag.
call me mud dog or grampus or snot otter.
"
"ella elephant sighed, ""what a drag.
they were playing 'the elaphine rag,'
and i thought it a sign
that i've aged like fine wine.
but it just means 'resembling a stag.'?""
"
"now the fiddle is starting to play.
now fais dodo, t-jean, mon b?b?.
when you sleep, un, deux, trois,
i will waltz with papa
at the fais do-do one room away.
"
"i'm a pager, doc. here's my affliction:
i get high from biography, fiction,
verse and poetry, prose,
schoolbooks, cookbooks ... lord knows,
i shirk work for my books. it's addiction.
"
"define eyewater? sure and i'll try.
it's the goop filling parts of the eye,
or meds you drip in;
it can also be gin;
or tears, when you blink or you cry.
"
"way back when, women washed (in a stream)
pigs' intestines, or chitterlings. steam
up some bowels today
for a chitlin souffl?
and i'd say that's cuisine too extreme.
"
"my fortress has blocks of hewn stone
as both pavement and walls. be it known
i have plenty of spares
that my catapult shares.
those ashlars say, ""leave me alone.""
"
"that monk is delicious: he breaks
every abstinence pledge that he makes.
he lusts for so much ?
food, drink, luxury, touch ?
and he yields to each urge as it wakes.
"
"ah, apricity's (sunshine's) delight!
for an apiarist, april's all right ?
all my beehives abuzz,
pollen dusting the fuzz
of the workers returning at night.
"
"salvelinus namaycush ? was he grim
when asked to go spying with sea bream:
""i won't go on no ops
with bogue (boops boops).
the mere thought of it gives me the megrim.""
"
"this kiss is forever, my sweet.
ladies angle at depth, swim and eat,
while ceratioid guys
just latch on to a prize.
fishy parasites pay by gamete.
"
"proto-humans could switch ears' direction,
and the rims lacked today's circumflexion ?
were still flat, like a deer's.
such darwinian ears
are a throwback (a slight imperfection).
"
"old eagle-eyes blinks, for he sees
lots of lizards high up in the trees.
in their leafy green room
where bromeliads bloom,
abronia feed and catch z's.
"
"sweet celia, with such extreme zeal ya
repulse my endeavors to feel ya.
but still, i must follow
you, feeling as hollow
as a bodily cavity (c?lia).
"
"lou's a leftie, and writes with a cant
from the left to the right. ""since this slant
is a backhand,"" he quipped,
""then italics and script
are in forehand, though usage is scant.""
"
"in a long life admiring venus,
the weirdest of sex lives i've seen is
this small chromodoris:
double-sexed ? but what's more is,
it sports a disposable penis.
"
"my mechanic has broken the news
and my bankroll: each drum brake needs shoes.
(those press out within drums
made of iron.) he sums
it all up: ""release handbrake. then cruise.""
"
"the cougar's strong legs let it soar
over walls 12 feet high, even more.
felis concolor eats
elk, deer, mice, other meats;
pumas purr, growl and shriek, but can't roar.
"
"dear folks,
??????????????????since i'm feeling rah-rahsome,
a bouquet just to say that you're awesome.
you remind me (wrote alix)
of a flower's green calyx:
you sheltered the bud, brace the blossom.
"
"there was an old god with a beard
who said, ""i'm almighty and feared.
now bow down and burn meat;
do not kill, lie or cheat;
don't make idols; make sure i'm revered.""
"
"i wouldn't give half of a pez
for the silly round hat called a fez,
but my brother's a shriner
and thinks nothing finer.
(the doof is the local shrine prez.)
"
"my baby's as sick as can be.
doc, he's febrile ? his temp's 103.
i'm really down-hearted:
febrile seizures have started.
oh, thank god! fever's down! (soft ""yippee!"")
"
"the executive office: the one
for the ultimate boss, the top gun.
but append ""of the president""?
the white house's resident
plus the admin branch workers, bar none.
"
"i plant my dead fish on a slant.
such fertilizer probably can't
make a difference to beans
however it leans.
in the end, it enriches the plant.
"
"""lest your wandering cause a delay,
stick to grandmother's path. never stray.""
little red disobeyed,
met a wolf in a glade;
her extravagance ended gram's day.
"
"the beat and the back-fall: smooth graces
to a note from two opposite places.
beats will rise by one fret,
backfalls drop. slurred, they're set
so each movement a half-step embraces.
"
"like the stuff it describes, ductile's liable
to be stretched, flexed or bent; no way friable.
say it quick, with a schwa,
and it's duck-tl. ta-dah ?
add a diphthong, it's duck-tile (still pliable).
"
"when the bitis gabonicas bit us,
the docs were right quick to admit us.
those dang ol' gaboons
made us swell like balloons
while our hearts just went nuts from what hit us.
"
"the old herpetologist whines,
""erpetologist just undermines
us with hints of loud burps.
what we study is herps ?
all the cold-blooded critters with spines.
"
"in our hillside we carved a square bay
for the bank barn we finished today.
tractors roll from the road
to the loft and unload;
stalled below, cattle low for their hay.
"
"as a coracle lover, i dote
on a round little skin-covered boat,
though a craft with a keel,
be it wooden or steel,
would help keep me on course as i float.
"
"used as nerve gas, i think this defines
revolting, but sometimes it shines.
an anticholinesterase
can at times be the best t'erase
myesthenia gravis's signs.
"
"my type had a beard ? extra lead
surrounding the letter. i said,
""that'll pick up some ink
and smudge. that would stink.""
so i bearded it ? shaved it ? instead.
"
"the bignose fish, deep in the sea,
never eats while he's looking for me.
i'm his sweet flabby whalefish.
he's the whalefish's male fish;
our spawn are the tapetails-to-be.
"
"hear my cousin's pedantic, flat drone:
""why say flagstone? a flag's a split stone,
so flagstone's redundant.
such stones are abundant ...""
""oh, lord, take me pronto,"" i moan.
"
"you are scum, ed! you freeze-dried my eft.
then ran over her twice. i'm bereft.
little sue was no brahmin newt,
just a poor common newt.
now she's comminuted: dust is what's left.
"
"i'm upset and unhappy ? distressed.
i wail and i beat on my breast.
then i tear out my hair
in huge handfuls. i bare
my whole scalp. you ask why i'm dis-tressed.
"
"that eel won't emerge, though you troll
tasty bait on a line. take a pole,
baited hook at its end.
now, my friend, just extend
your brog to the eel in its hole.
"
"the furs brought a little bit more
than i'd hoped at the general store,
so i picked up some foofaraws
purely for you, because
trinkets are what you adore.
"
"why do blood-sucking bats make you squeal?
they've a weird altruistic appeal.
should a buddy bat say,
""gosh, i'm hungry today,""
one who's eaten will donate a meal.
"
"renaming the calico-back,
confederates went on attack:
""it's yella and stinkin'.
let's call it 'abe lincoln
bug' ? drainin' our lives for a snack.""
"
"""here is egerdouce sauce. will you eat?
it goes with this rabbit a treat.""
""did you know that in china,""
said marco, ""a diner
may also find sour-and-yet-sweet?""
"
"hippocrates wrote, ""art is long,
life is short."" ""sweats are bad when they're strong.""
his brisk definitions ?
physicians' tuitions ?
the first aphorisms written (a throng).
"
"a lad but half-grown, a demy,
was cozened by sharpers in rye.
he was far less than wise,
for of bales of demies
and of fulhams they had a supply.
"
"my new sweetie-pie bustard is swell.
he said, ""how do you do, mademoiselle?""
then he showed me his butt,
and i wanted to rut ?
clean cloacae are sexy as hell.
"
"dagwood's work is haphazard, unplanned.
irresponsible, late and offhand,
he works fecklessly. still,
without visible skill,
for some reason he never gets canned.
"
"""it's peculiar,"" he said with a frown,
""that exarate (note or write down)
can mean ""plow or dig up.""
hey, there, bess! giddy-up!
prepositions won't help with the plow'n'.""
"
"""die, tumors!"" we cry. apoptosis,
we love ya, and tumor necrosis
is great. but this factor
can be a bad actor ?
i've an autoimmune diagnosis.
"
"how did eggplant become aubergine?
it depends on which sources you glean.
spanish apricots? french
straight from arabic?  stench,
as in ""fart-begone""?  see what i mean?
"
"a feist is a fart or a stink,
or a small, yappy mutt, so i blink
when a gal who's attractive ?
bright, plucky and active ?
is ""feisty"". i ask, what's the link?
"
"the priest says we're broke and can't pay
for a storm-god of gold. this one's clay,
but some gold pounded thin
makes an opulent skin.
we're engilding the enlil today.
"
"chronic bladder stones plagued sam'l pepys.
unanesthetized (gives me the creeps!),
bound, held down, it is known
he was cut for the stone.
it was worth it, despite later seeps.
"
"how delicious!  what sensuous pleasure
brahms brings me. (thank god i'm at leisure.)
the musicians perform,
their tones lush and warm
as hot chocolate. mmmm, what a treasure!
"
"altruistic, he never thinks twice
of return ? doing good will suffice.
we are grateful, but find
that he's over-inclined
to accompany gifts with advice.
"
"we begin with young ""ernest"" explaining
how, as jack, he is sober, maintaining
a wastrel's diversions
in ernest's excursions.
delicious! (it's most entertaining!)
"
"he arrived at the end of his rope
after forty-three days as the pope.
he was anterus, greek,
and it seems his physique
wasn't up to it ? just couldn't cope.
"
"should a devil approach, the good monk'll
bring forth a good book averruncal.
the fiend will be turned
(perhaps running or burned)
before you can say ""bob's your uncle!""
"
"timmy's truck broke the new trash compactor
and suzie looked smug. mama smacked 'er.
""last night you dumped glue
into timmy's left shoe.
suzie, sometimes you're just a bad actor.""
"
"pegleg meg said, ""you rogues, on to bogue!
let us fish, since the sport is in vogue.
but my accent ain't grand
and my shoe is untanned,
so first i'll just polish my brogue.""
"
"trailing tailfeathers held in a v,
boat-tailed grackles live close to the sea.
they are mimics. i heard
one give proof ? not a word
but a camera's click-whirrr: picture me!
"
"i'm painting a sunrise in pink;
rosy light tints white houses. i think
that i'll color the sun
english pink. now i'm done.
(the sun's yellow: mixed oak bark and zinc.)
"
"a fence rider isn't astride
wood or wire, nor afraid to decide.
each day he commences
examining fences
to ensure that the stock stays inside.
"
"might the golden, the healer suffice?
but apollo was not always nice:
plague-dealer, cruel master
and long-distance blaster.
but why the destroyer of mice?
"
"this pustule's malign, by my soul:
it is swollen and burns like a coal.
'tis an anthrax, filled fatter
with venomous matter
than satan with evil is swole.
"
"the calyx of held's a transmitter
of impulse for sound, and a knitter
of strands from both ears
(in one abstract appears,
""at high rates with low temporal jitter"").
"
"while one kitten plays  bat, pull and shove it all,
the other, with rubs, says, ""i love it all.""
their elders ignore
foolish fluff on the floor
from a shelf ? high, aloof and above it all.
"
"why's that look of disgust on your mug?
a banana split makes you say ugh?
""choc'lit sauce is a dream
over fruit and ice cream.
but a seven-inch, yellow, split slug?""
"
"""listen, you goons, i got dibs
on this uterine space,"" says his nibs.
""ain't no embryo schools;
adelphophagy rules.""
and the sandtiger shark eats his sibs.
"
"those are water wings fit for a tot.
with this kickboard i practice a lot.
but there's nothing as nice as
flotation devices
made just like mae west, when you're hot.
"
"a-hooka, a-hooka, a-hook.
fluffy's tummy rebelled, and forsook
all that fur she'd groomed off
with a sort of a cough.
a catharsis? cat-hairsis. uck. ook.
"
"azhdarchids could walk with a stride
or leap to the air, flap, and glide
many thousands of miles.
i'll brook no denials:
they ruled the cretaceous (then died).
"
"electric organs in fish or in eels
can stun prey. hammond's versions brought squeals
from fans of legato
with wobbly vibrato
and tones spun from rotating wheels.
"
"one snake round a rod: see it twine.
it's our founder asclepius' sign.
the caduceus (made
double-snaked) is for trade,
smooth-tongued tricks ? not a healer's design.
"
"these apples are sad: bland and mealy.
red and golden ""delicious""? oh, really?
since both travel well
they are common as hell.
give me braeburn. i'll give you stark, freely.
"
"long before modern nations were founded,
the antilocapra abounded.
in a sprint, just the cheetah
has ever been fleeter.
except for the pronghorn, they're grounded.
"
"you think there's a vertebrate smalla?
well, not any flya or crawla.
but some carp out-small any
dwarf spinyhead blenny
(acantheblemaria paula).
"
"comatulida quick aide-memoire:
stalkless crinoids, each species a star
with long, feathery rays
that rise up and snag praise.
(every photo's a fine objet d'art.)
"
"the dog-faced big monkey (baboon)
seems easy enough to impugn.
a gal offers a heinie
all swollen and shiny,
and her fellow is over the moon.
"
"""you cabbage-head, not to the head ?
to the cubbridge-head ? that's what i said.
hear the murtherers roar
on the bulkhead afore.
fetch the gunners fresh powder.""  (he sped.)
"
"certiorari: we certify here
that it isn't impeccably clear
that justice was done
and the right people won.
send the records for snicker v. sneer.
"
"my children, alas, did not thrive,
nor my wife. i'm not minded to wive.
every love i have found
now rots underground.
why am i still aboveground, alive?
"
"i'm feeling much less them sublisme,
since the king says it's tax-paying tisme.
drunk and dismal ? reactions
to working out fractions ?
i turn in my tithe (he says ""disme"").
"
"now ""fairylike, whimsical,"" fey
meant ""doomed to death,"" back in the day.
then there's ""fatal"" (the worst?),
hence ""unlucky, accursed""
and ""timid"" or ""frail"" (all pass?).
"
"while i grind up my wheat (that is, farinate),
i set venison steaks up to marinate
in a vessel that's wide,
then curves sharply inside
in the shape folks will later call carinate.
"
"chain dogfish live deep in the blue
where fewer foes lurk and pursue,
with less chance that they'll sup
on a klutzy new pup.
oh ? they're catsharks, not dogfish. who knew?
"
"""with this weasel-word,"" legal nerd joked,
""both sides of the bench are invoked.
in one noun, disceptator,
disputer/debater
and judge/arbitrator are yoked.""
"
"i bet you don't know (should i clue ya?)
how to say jean lucien pierre anouilh.
he wrote dozens of plays ?
blacks and pinks (but no grays),
brilliant, grating and costume. that do ya?
"
"do you wish to remain abject mice?
want a thesis too dull to entice?
make your question forgo
any answer but no:
erotesis. (a doubtful device?)
"
"he doesn't, y'know, have much grace,
brains or talent. not hard to replace.
he's expletory, dude ?
that means expletive. rude?
nah, he's filling a whatsit ... a space.
"
"something capillary might have to do
with hair (or be similar to).
when my english friend hillary
says it ""capillary,""
i don't make a hullabaloo.
"
"""avaunt, fiend of foulest intent!""
averruncated, hence the fiend went.
a false etymology
brought in weed-ology,
though ""weeding"" was not what it meant.
"
"though their name hearkens up to the sky,
there's no feather star living that high.
fringed comatulid arms
sift for food. their bright charms
tempt small fish. divers goggle. ""oh, my!""
"
"our duke is caduke: he is prone
to fall to the floor with a moan,
go all stiff, then start making
small jerks, sort of quaking.
epileptic but loved, he's our own.
"
"in latin, it's ""bean with small claws"" ?
(vigna unguiculata) ? because ?
well, i don't understand.
it's the cowpea. offhand
i'd say ungulata should get applause.
"
"she's a bludger, a slacker, and how.
not a mover. ya think that she'd plough?
not likely. just goes
when she has to, lord knows.
she's a stinker: that horse is a cow.
"
"the chef fawned: ""noble lecter, ripe guava
and, for you, just the finest cassava
we'll mix in a slurry
for broad-bean based curry.""
chef was meat. i said, ""don't curry fava.""
"
"i set out on a driving vacation,
but the fuel price has tripled. damnation!
of my plans i'm bereft.
i'm dumbfounded ? i'm left
in a high state of flabbergastation.
"
"their forebears, miss g understood,
being ursine, had pooped in the wood.
but three civilized bears
using bowls, beds and chairs
had an outhouse (the third hole was good).
"
"chaucer's newefangle specified those
loving novelty, whether in hose
or in meat. by the day
of elizabeth, say,
a new fangle (that's fashion) arose.
"
"as sir mix-a-lot said, i like fat,
so rotund fat-tailed sheep's where it's at ?
desert-hardy, with sweet-
tasting fat and fine meat,
though their wool's only good for a mat.
"
"tweezers, tongs, pliers, clips are all clever.
they hold things in place (never sever).
but no surgeon's stern lips
would demand ""tongs"" or ""clips"".
may their ""forceps"" be with you forever.
"
"screw-in-lightbulb jokes only have zing
where the edison screw mount is king.
where quick changing's what counts,
plug in bayonet mounts
with two prongs, l-shaped slots and a spring.
"
"what a versatile word is small a.
it's been pronoun and verb, in its day;
also numeral, article,
conjunction and particle,
preposition and adverb. hurray!
"
"the botanical guy asked of me, why,
if i chose any flower to be, i
would choose one so silly ?
peruvian lily
in alstroemeriaceae.
"
"on the prairies and steppes of our orb,
where good earth has good rain to absorb,
you'll find masses and masses
of graminoids (grasses).
a flowering herb? that's a forb.
"
"the words c?, key and kye are just fine,
and to kij, kyis, cun i incline.
mostly vanished by now,
all were plurals for cow.
the main one surviving is kine.
"
"whatever your faith, my advice is,
have felafel, a snack that entices.
it is kosher, halal,
fine at lent ? good for all:
chickpea fritters with onion and spices.
"
"this fimbriate charge on my shield
is a cross (blue) upon a green field.
the cross's white border
keeps them nicely in order
and easy to see.  do you yield?
"
"to cockatoo creek i am trudgin'
to catch a few fimbriate gudgeon.
why gobies? i'm beat,
'cause they're too small to eat.
dad demands rough-scaled loters, ain't budgin'.
"
"both in color and crisp black-and-white,
my camera captures the light.
pictures move or stop still ...
gee, i wish i had skill:
some are dim, others startlingly bright.
"
"i once thought you valiant, but now
i know you're a mere snarley-yow.
you'll grumble and rail,
but, attacked, you'll turn tail.
you're a coward ? cow-hearted, a cow.
"
"take the bullwhip, big john, because that'll
do best for the steering of cattle.
the hard bull's pizzle whip
is the one slavers grip
to flog people they think of as chattel.
"
"my ex, who was given to gibing,
sneered, ""idiot, stop your imbibing.
your handwriting's shaky,
your copying's flaky.""
i'm an ex-scribe: no longer exscribing.
"
"you'll be perfect in france ? what d'you fear?
you have style and your french is quite clear.
don't fly up in the boughs, mum;
you'll fit to a cow's thumb
(a nicety). just learn to sneer.
"
"with a feint i have made me acquaint;
it turns into a foin sans restraint.
but he parries that thrust,
knocks my sword to the dust,
and withal pinks my doublet. i faint.
"
"you might call it nonsense and stuff,
but once cow meant a bird called a chough.
said a wife, ""cow is wood""?
talking crows mean no good,
so deride them as crazy.  enough?
"
"my tummy is fluffy; my shell
is as pink as a sunset. i dwell
in a burrow i tend
with my armored rear end.
chlamyphorus truncatus ? i'm swell.
"
"what a dire rear! whew! i can tell it
because as it seeps, i can smell it.
mine is fine ? when doc deblieux
asks, ""diarrhea trouble you?""
i say, ""just when i'm trying to spell it.""
"
"said the vet, ""mris? shrapnel dragnets.
i'm loaded."" doc said, ""needs a flag. let's
get it coded.  i'm blowed ?
we've got no 'shrapnel' code.""
she wrote ""patient's allergic to magnets.""
"
"i squint in the sun, bleak and bleary,
from a night mighty raucous and beery,
sweetheart, don't make me beg ?
pull a draft from the keg.
the brown cow has the milk i need, dearie.
"
"how delicious!  it brings great enjoyment.
but i'm told, to my minor annoyment,
that it's not quite delightful ?
more intense, less insightful,
less august, in our current employment.
"
"""two strong muscles are ready to slam
my hard shell,"" said the mollusc (a clam).
it isn't a scary 'un,
just dimyarian.
""dimyary bivalve. now scram.""
"
"we'll make soup with these carrots i bought
and the mullet and shad that you caught.
jem is milking the cow
with the iron tail now ?
pumping water to fill up the pot.
"
"i caught fifty fat fish. took all day.
then i gutted them, thinking she'd say,
""what a man!"" but she moans,
""jeez, there's zillions of bones.""
""take the knife, hon. it's your turn. fillet!""
"
"my ranger grave (fighting position)
is a vertical hole, and my mission
is to shoot at the foe.
there's a tank! duck below!
(""stay alive"" is another ambition.)
"
"folklore ? stories long told ? still enthrall
us with witches, with fools, tales so tall
that they stretch to the sky.
and the telling is why
our traditions still live in us all.
"
"it leaps through the treetops at night
with only the moon for a light.
tell the folks down in quito,
""the cute olinguito
needs cloud forests. save them, all right?""
"
"said selim, called ""the lush"" (not ""the louche""),
""where'sh the oil an' the lemon, you gooshe?
if you wan' me to eat a
big hunk o' shtale pita,
chunk it up wi' chopped veg as fattoush.""
"
"the craniad: epic in scope,
it describes how our skulls gave us hope
by protecting our brains
from the sun, winds and rains.
izzan adverb. means ""headward,"" ya dope.
"
"repetition is dull. i've been tasked
for a list of most-frequently-asked
(in comments here) questions.
i'm taking suggestions
for our faq. (q: should cuss words be masked?)
"
"""to bedlam he bade us to go;
i'm full feared that we tarry ? we're slow.""
""now be merry, not sad:
our journey is glad
to rewards that our lord will bestow.""
"
"the blind poet loved epithets: dawn
rosy-fingered; the ""songster"" of brawn;
the fair aphrodite;
zeus thundering, mighty ...
epithetically, homer sang on.
"
"said elizabeth r, ""pirates take
overmuch of my shipping. i'll make
thee admiral over
the narrow seas: dover,
and seas north and east, francis drake.""
"
"it's ""to grapple or draw with a hook;
to acquire or attract (not by crook);
or encroach or usurp"" ?
but acrotch, you young twerp,
ain't ""down there,"" at least not in my book.
"
"mummy's boy: he may be a marquis,
but he's spineless and lacking esprit  ?
he's enervate. one knows
mummy said, ""go propose.""
no. his title means nothing to me.
"
"""define albuginean."" ""why,
it's a heresy: christ couldn't die. ...
no! it means like the stuff,
white and fibrous and tough,
that you see as the white of an eye.""
"
"my sweetie has filled the whole room
with a beautiful froth of white bloom,
but a stench fills the air:
he bought callery pear.
he's anosmic, i have to assume.
"
"all us voters who went to that poll
were exspoliated ? stripped, hat to sole,
of clothing. the hoods
also took all our goods.
lost my ipad, my cash, and control.
"
"tell me, why are my bees turning red?
are they masqued for the dance of the dead?
no, nothing so mystic
made them turn erythristic:
maraschino juice tempted; they fed.
"
"cooking crawfish? don't labor and toil
over saucepans and such. who needs oil?
toss whatever you've got
in a basket and pot,
with mixed spices and salt called a boil.
"
"my daughter, my sweet, it grows late.
should thee wish to stay up, be sedate:
close thy mouth, if not eyes.
now we'll have no more whys.
saucy chitterling, hush! stop thy prate.
"
"""i'm a beau,"" he would surely assert,
""from the ruffles that front my silk shirt ?
lacy chitterlings ? down
to gold boot-buckles."" clown!
i see several speckles of dirt.
"
"""we swim swiftly and well, my good sirs,""
say the guillemots, puffins and murres,
auklets, murrelets (all auks).
""though we're awkward at walks,
""we alcidae need no chauffeurs.""
"
"hear that beastie that's bounding about?
its grey ears could reach down to its snout,
which is pointed and pink.
it's a pinkie, i think
(that's a dalgite). it's night, so it's out.
"
"such a bore, hearing granny effuse.
""what a man!"" turned to ""bid your adieus!""
when he spilled his dessert
on his chitterling shirt,
down its frill to his velveteen trews.
"
"as andrew r. parker inferred,
the cambrian explosion occurred
as an arms race evolved
(it was never resolved),
sparked by vision, however much blurred.
"
"in a mine-slope, cars ride up the rails
with a big two-horned cow at their tails.
if a car-link should break,
it drops down so's to make
a firm brake for the string. rarely fails.
"
"the thirteen essentials you'll plumb
in the rudiments taught for the drum
include, early, the flam ?
stroke from grace note, d'wham!
the inverted flam tap? later, chum.
"
"the celebes crested macaque
is known for its color: jet black.
this monkey's furred heinie
bears a tail that's so tiny
folks call it black ape for the ""lack.""
"
"you think you're just ever so clever
knowing aa is lava. however,
double-a's have their ways ?
some can stand for long a's
or mean ""stream,"" or an obsolete ""ever.""
"
"once, back in the day, i'd not seen a
sole worm lizard.  now, amphisbaena
gives me joy, makes me merry.
from a. absaberi
to a. xera, no genus is keener.
"
"""we must treat the caducous but roughly,""
the caduceus-bearer said gruffly.
""the dread falling evil
will fail if you leave all
frail kindness behind. treat it toughly.""
"
"""got no guts, dress in rags,"" children taunt.
his scant chitterlings indicate want,
but he's plenty of gold.
he won't spend it, i'm told.
you can see all his bones, he's so gaunt.
"
"might the wee folk imbibe and make merry
('tis incurved, lilliputian and hairy)
at the lip of this growth?
i declare, 'pon my oath,
'tis a proper cup, apt for a fairy.
"
"""no, it's elvers we want,"" he reveals,
""so that spear with barbed forks to jab eels
will be useless, you'll find.
leave your eelspear behind.
for an eel-fare, bring buckets and creels.""
"
"i'm confused and perhaps misconstrue:
i am big. are you big? am big you?
my hyperacuity
makes ambiguity ?
you see one paltry sense; i see two.
"
"my moggy's well known for his fat gut,
a great, swinging, eats-this-and-that gut.
but the stuff in his middle
is safe from a fiddle ?
no felines are used to make catgut.
"
"my hamster-sized primate's no schemer
but quite a productive small dreamer.
sarah zehr says it's clear:
snoozing half of the year
means long life for my fat-tailed dwarf lemur.
"
"fleet flying fish, why do you fly?
i flee predators into the sky.
i can sail 50 meters
from all those big eaters,
of whom there's an oversupply.
"
"these flowers are prettily tinged,
with centers, so dark they look singed,
shading out to a hue
like the sky's dawning blue.
and the petals are fimbriate ? fringed.
"
"emoticons: :) smilie and ?&gt;:(  frown;
typographical drawings set down
'cause our bbs traffics
were lacking in graphics.
here are ?@&gt;?&gt;? @}-;-'?-  roses, a ?:^*  kiss and a ?*&lt;|;od  clown.
"
"damaskin, damasken, damaskeen ?
obsolete, but i know what they mean:
""of damascus"" (or ""from"");
same for damson, the plum.
it's in syria, and always has been.
"
"cabomba, the dread water-shield,
turned my four-foot-deep pond to a field.
i'll signal its doom
with a lovely kaboom.
oops. there went the water. i yield.
"
"""sing 'a,' joe!"" the voice teacher cried.
""open mouth! let me see deep inside.
give me a's. now some ahs.
joey, open those jaws
with your pharynx and lips also wide.""
"
"""mister, cows can't be bulls. that's absurd.
bulls are male, you old fool. use the word
so it makes simple sense.""
""son, it does. i'm not dense.
the cows means 'the cattle,' 'the herd'.""
"
"when nate, who'd been buff, became way-thin,
it was critical that he not stay thin.
""tell us, what can we fix?""
""change my name! all the chicks
call me hagfish. i'm not an agnathan.""
"
"heard of cows? why of course. that's the name
for female-type bovines. our game
is herding. before us
go mostly bos taurus
with oxen and bison, all tame.
"
"i broggle from here on a log:
i sniggle, or fish with a brog
(that's a branch) with a baited,
fixed hook. i'm eel-ated
when snigs take my bait ? i'm agog.
"
"deutohydrogurets bind
two h's with some other kind
of an element, so
one would be h2o,
but the use of this term has declined.
"
"no, mama, i won't take his part.
he's a fizzler, and thinks it an art
to wrinkle his nose
and say, ""sukey, your hose
must be stained from that great soundless fart.""
"
"little benjamin bunny asked, ""peter
why a hankie?  a jacket's far neater.
on the scarecrow? denude it.
a cat? we'll elude it.""
papa rescued them, switched benny's seater.
"
"these are water birds found in most nations.
they've got long and broad bills, with serrations.
ducks have wide, flat, webbed  feet,
and dark, succulent meat.
they eat plants, fish, bugs, seeds and crustaceans.*
"
"""last friday,"" the man said, quite roiled,
""you sold me some condoms?un-oiled.
seems the gross was one short!""
here's the druggist's retort:
""i'm sorry your weekend was spoiled.""
"
"when designing maternity clothes,
don't allow the couture to impose
too much style over room,
'cause when moms-to-be bloom,
mother-frockers, they can't see their toes!
"
"i know crassus and croesus were rich.
my brow creases?now which one was which?
was crassus the roman
with that crusty cognomen?
this crossword's in crisis; i twitch.
"
"billy batson has skills tr?s discreet.
he can alter his ego tout de suite.
when he's in a tight jam
he can shout out ""shazam!""
and become captain marvel. how neat!
"
"a rooster once said to a steer,
""would you like to go out for a beer?""
was this truly historical
or just allegorical?
this cock-and-bull story seems queer.
"
"charlie chan, chuck e. cheese, charo too!
all challenge my choppers to chew
on their chattering names
while i'm chanting their fames.
throw in old chubby checker; i'm through!
"
"an astrologer searched for a sign
of celestial concordance divine.
with star-lighted visage, he
exclaimed, ""we have syzygy!
it is fate when the planets align!""
"
"the young moyel took time to explain;
snipping foreskins caused infants no pain.
then while some blocked their vision,
he performed circumcision.
""hey folks, can i get an amen?""
"
"old julius asked marc to appraise:
how would cleo perform on the chaise?
in my judgment, great caesar,
must be so hard to please her.
are you up to your old salad days?
"
"a winemaking monk, a young dom,
one night shattered the old abbey's calm.
p?rignon failed to rein
co2 in champagne,
and the cork blasted off like a bomb!
"
"in their boat were two eskimos seated
and lacking the warmth that they needed.
so they started a fire,
turning craft into pyre.
guess you can't have your kayak and heat it?
"
"if you don't know the dope or the skinny
insiders will think you a ninny.
what's the buzz?  what's the poop?
can you dish us the scoop?
are you hopelessly out or an innie?
"
"cassius clay changed his name to  ali.
""i'm the greatest"" (of boxers), claimed he.
he would float past a guy
like a swift butterfly,
then move closer and sting like a bee.
"
"on an isle was a jester marooned
with his liege, whose libido ballooned.
the king gave a shout?
""there is no swell way out
but there'd be a way in if we spooned.""
"
"it was rumored that catherine the great
had libido mere men couldn't sate.
she died when a horse
fell upon her. of course,
as to who mounted whom there's debate.
"
"once the state of this state was quite troublin',
but now ireland's assets are bubblin'.
every business is roarin',
while employment is soarin',
and its capital's constantly dublin.
"
"bob the boatwright built boats in the dark.
but his gaffes produced gaffs angled stark.
his corvettes were not agile;
his frigates were fragile;
his schooners made salts disembark.
"
"which american state's farthest west?
which one is far north of the rest?
and, last but not least,
which extends farthest east?
can you ace this geography test?
"
"saint augustine penned his confessions
during many self-critical sessions.
alone in his room,
he thought si fallor, sum?
""i am human; forgive my transgressions.""
"
"""please join us for coffee and see
how we'll light up our new christmas tree.""
""messrs. goldberg and getz
send their thanks and regrets?
the menorah tea gathers at three.""
"
"""i no longer fit into my suit?
better stick to my veggies and fruit,""
tom addressed his size fittingly,
if somewhat unwittingly,
""and i'll exercise plenty to boot.""
"
"what's an egg cream? so what do you get?
there's no egg and no cream but don't fret.
just some milk and some seltzer,
and do you know what else sir?
some great chocolate syrup?u-bet!
"
"two pregnant girls met at the deli.
they both ordered corned beef in jelly.
""i've a loaf?just this one,""
said the counterman's son.
they fought it out  belly-to-belly.
"
"a proponent of natural light,
ansel adams zoned in with pure sight.
his stark photos revealed
nature's beauty concealed.
nothing fancy, just plain black-and-white.
"
"oedilf is an anagram rife
with potential to bring you much strife.
in a folder filed o
lies a trap set to go.
once it's sprung, you'll be forced to do life.
"
"all the folks in the crowd seemed quite bored
with the way that the music was scored.
""let's all hit on three?
play an a, c-sharp, e!""
cried tom's bandmates in single accord.
"
"a clip joint's the kind of a club
that claims to serve great booze and grub.
but you're sure to get gypped
(that's the meaning of clipped)
when they hand you the bill?there's the rub.
"
"tom exalted his home team conceitedly
and trashed all the others repeatedly.
new york's team he nixed,
and philly's deep-sixed,
while he flamed poor miami quite heatedly.
"
"""that commercial's song makes my heart tingle.
and i think it would make a great single.""
tom chimed in quite tersely,
and somewhat adversely,
""dump the product and just sell the jingle.""
"
"alan alda played ""hawkeye"" on m*a*s*h.
he performed with elan and with dash.
he never forgot quips
for ""radar"" and ""hot lips""
and the rest of the cast in this smash.
"
"there's a difference it clearly would seem?
crafty pygmies or women's track team?
cunning runts are the first
while the latter's a burst
of young ladies careering full steam.
"
"he ran through the town in the nude,
crying, ""help me! i need clothes and food!""
said a townsman not stirring,
""this beggar's avering?
he's lying and just being rude.""
"
"small fragments of food are a symbol
of visitors wily and nimble.
so when spotting the crumble
of mice, don't just grumble;
start a quest for these pests who can chimble.
"
"the chick at the bar was  a looker;
to my penthouse apartment i took her.
but here's what she said:
""i've an ache in my head.""
is it pain or disdain from a hooker?
"
"asked a scottish bloke clad all in black
of librarian dressed in gray sack:
""dey ye hiv ony books
aboot suicide, snooks?""
""jus' sod off, mon, ye'll no bring 'um back.""
"
"she was chasing a rabbit for play
through the forest and then lost her way.
when discovered by hunters,
her locks were aflunters,
disordered: a bad, bad hare day.
"
"day faded and on came the night.
the campfire kindling burned bright.
the embers all yellowed
as tom loudly bellowed,
""i must keep this fire alight!""
"
"a masochist woman, named flo,
married up with a sadist, called joe.
flo begged, ""darling, mistreat me,
please whip me and beat me!""
but joe, smiling coldly, said, ""no.""
"
"tom's cheering was really dramatic,
his team support clearly emphatic.
as they put up a score
he would stand up and roar.
said tom rabidly, ""i'm a fanatic!""
"
"rods and reels make him feel so elated
that this angler can never be sated.
out of lures, worms and flies,
nonetheless, tom still tries
to continue to fish unabated.
"
"tom stood in the forest, arms bent.
though tired, he wasn't yet spent.
""with the strength left in me
i can chop down that tree.""
accidentally, he said what he meant.
"
"take good heed of the almanac-man.
move to high ground as fast as you can.
he says, ""trent's on the rise!""
so all would be wise
to proceed to their safe backup plan.
"
"argentina, new zealand, ukraine
share a common dynamic; that's plain.
finland too, mozambique,
seven more are unique
'cause they're led not by john but by jane.
"
"was the library prey to some crooks?
was somebody stealing its books?
while librarians slept,
some sly biblioklept,
with a hook, took the books from their nooks.
"
"i want this accomplished right now?
all other distractions must bow!
ignore all obstruction
and reach your deduction?
just get to the finish choosehow.
"
"teaching math in the ozarks?  beware
of the regional differences there.
finding circular area
may raise such a barrier:
""pie are round?only corn bread are square!""
"
"you gotta be crazy and drunk,
if you gonna be dancin' that crunk.
wanna be a cool cat?
bust some moves that are phat?
all the resta dat hip-hop's jus junk.
"
"si's swimsuits cast stars in my eyes.
each beauty evokes lustful sighs.
to the gal from brazil
(ay, she gave me a thrill),
i'm awarding the nubile piece prize.
"
"as a child i would cry in my bed,
fooled by stories that filled me with dread.
i'd see monsters quite mean
who would glow pink and green;
such babyshed left my eyes red.
"
"my wife is quite buxom yet thin,
with firm breasts that make any man spin.
she appears at our door:
sexy slip, nothing more.
only problem?she's just getting in.
"
"one club, then  two diamonds, three hearts,
the bidding commenced?fits and starts.
tom declared, ""i will bump it!""
which led him to trumpet?
""four spades!"" then a pass from all parts.
"
"two hydrogen atoms, concussed:
one's electron was lost; they discussed?
""my friend, are you sure?""
""yes, i'm positive!  you're
now the headbanger here who's nonplussed.""
"
"some art thieves once thought themselves smart,
making klee's and picasso's depart,
so matter-of-factly.
critiqued tom, abstractly,
""but who'd want to steal modern art?""
"
"""toxic rainfall's a major concern
which some people continue to spurn
or accept far too placidly,""
tom spewed out acidly.
""when will we wake up and learn?""
"
"""this lamb is the worst that i've tasted!
my brushed marinade has been wasted.
you've spoiled the whole rack
just by charring it black.""
by the chef was poor tom thus lambasted.
"
"candace bushnell is really quite witty;
her novels are saucy and gritty.
she's the queen of chick lit,
penning hit after hit:
lipstick jungle and sex and the city.
"
"on the deck, tom is sick, head to toes,
as chunks start to spew out his nose.
""i'm a wailing ol' lubber,""
he happens to blubber.
the lookout observes, ""thar he blows!""
"
"the king had three daughters in trot.
one's a bitch, one's a slut, one is hot.
tom ogled each leeringly
then panned them all searingly,
""cordelia's the best of the lot.""
"
"lamont cranston of radio fame,
had another, more sinister name.
as to what evil lurks
in the hearts of some jerks?
the shadow knows!  least so they claim.
"
"""jumbo olives turn out to be small,
while the short cup at starbucks is tall.
and those car rental deals
drive me mental,"" he squeals,
""'cause the mid-size ain't mid-sized at all.""
"
"bobby flatfoot is down for a flick,
that features a bull with a chick.
'the man' will heat popcorn,
then turn on some cop porn?
reverend spooner would frown at this dick.
"
"yma s?mac, who comes from peru,
has a five-octave voice, strong and true.
but some journalist hack
threw some mud on her back?
""she's not incan, she's amy camus!""
"
"they were backing up files when it went.
he'd a hunch just a third had been sent.
said richard to rose,
""the hard drive just froze.
now's the winter of our disk content.""
"
"li'l abner, that good-lookin' sap,
lived in dogpatch?it ain't on your map.
it's a place in a strip
that's both backwoods and hip,
thanks to genius cartoonist al capp.
"
"strong liquor makes all senses dull,
so imbibing is something to mull
before taking a gulp
that will turn brain to pulp?
with a clamberskull, thoughts become null.
"
"he thought that the adit was here,
but the entrance was no longer clear.
tom's concern turned to dread;
absentminded, he said,
""my motherlode's lost now, i fear.""
"
"call your main squeeze a doll when you flirt,
chances are that her feelings won't hurt.
but expect to be gnawed
if you call her a broad
or a bitch or a dame or a skirt.
"
"just how far is an arm's length away?
if you stretch can you reach it, or nay?
when they claim with a grin
""you're an armshot within,""
are they pulling your leg, so to say?
"
"from baltic to boardwalk's a trip.
try to stay out of jail and not slip.
if you throw little joe,
to return, just pass go.
note the rental will take quite a dip.
"
"""what were shoemakers called in the past?""
asked the teacher, ""now try to think fast!""
the silence was sweet
'til one leaped to his feet;
""cobblers!"" said young tom at last.
"
"every limerick writer stays fit
by reviewing for meter and wit.
and they'll keep coming back 'til
they've checked every dactyl,
the long and the shorts, bit by bit.
"
"da da dah, da da dah, da da dah.
da da dah, da da dah, da da dah.
da da dah, da da dah.
da da dah, da da dah.
da da dah, da da dah, da da dah.
"
"an art connoisseur in from bali
claimed that all modern art was sheer folly.
he came out of his coma
by visiting moma:
au revoir to renoir, hello dali!
"
"""let's drop nets with a keen expectation
of finding our favorite crustacean,""
young tim, uttered gabbily.
old tom muttered, crabbily,
""and hope that our net's not frustration.""
"
"tom's girlfriend was cloaked all in mink,
causing peta to raise a big stink.
she would not be deterred
as she warmly inferred,
""they must not give a rap what i think.""
"
"the wedding required tom's hand in
his marriage to sweet molly landon.
as she slipped on his ring
he started to sing,
""i'm really hitched now,"" with abandon.
"
"sam sent twenty new puns just to kid
his old buddies, fred, billy and sid.
he had hoped maybe half
ought to make his chums laugh,
but by their count no pun in ten did.
"
"the citrulline found in this melon
becomes arginine?this is compellin',
since this chemical donor
can give guys a boner?
grind the rind, eat the pits, you'll be swellin'.
"
"though i hate to sound petty or niggling,
my briefs are so tight that i'm wriggling.
if size doesn't matter,
then why all the chatter
from fruit-of-the-loom fellows giggling?
"
"the hawk gulled the poor blushing crow
into thinking their love would soon grow.
but that four-flushing craven
flew off with a raven,
which dealt her the last, crushing blow.
"
"""da da da, da da da, da da da,
da da da, da da da, da da da.""
 this one word tommy had,
which  popped out just for dad,
""da da da, da da da, da da da.""
"
"""old glory"" has been through the wars.
it's a symbol our country adores.
though a battleworn flag
may be torn like a rag,
it can rally our troops when it soars.
"
"control tower to pilot in flight:
""your traffic's a fokker, turn right.""
as he expertly veered,
he gleefully jeered,
""i've got the li'l fokker in sight.""
"
"my wife says i've simply no class.
she'll insist that i'm gross and i'm crass,
then (between barbs and quips),
kiss our dog on the lips,
yet she won't take a drink from my glass.
"
"the monks gave consumers their flyers
'bout their shop for all fresh flower buyers.
but their rivals in town
told thug hugh, ""shut 'em down!""
only hugh can prevent florist friars.
"
"first they dampened the ground on the farm.
(wetter dirt would cause backs far less harm.)
then these strong sons of toil
each removed tons of soil,
digging deep with no cause for alarm.
"
"our dad often said he would pay
out his fortune upon his last day,
to the one of us that
father deemed the least fat,
citing, ""where there's a will there's a weigh.""
"
"during sex, his wife talks on the phone.
in the speaker she'll utter each groan.
it's no problem at all,
and this evening her call
was collect, all the way from bayonne.
"
"in the hall right outside where they play,
we heard grandmasters bragging all day.
they were asked to disband
because no one could stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
"
"""labraboxers are fatter than hogs!
cockerspoodles have faces like frogs!
let's all stop nature-puttering,""
tom's ruefully muttering.
""crossbreeding has gone to the dogs!""
"
"two salmon, upriver they swam.
on their way they encountered a jam.
a sheer, concrete wall
brought the first to a stall.
to his partner he shouted out, ""dam!""
"
"have you seen the new batman alight?
he will give all the baddies a fright.
christian bale plays bruce wayne.
starring ledger and caine,
it's a thriller they call the dark knight.
"
"his headaches begin with a pound
and soon he is brought to the ground.
he's so sorely afflicted
that now he's addicted?
he's turned into a poor aspirin-hound.
"
"as he ogled her legs and her bust,
he thought bedding this lass was a must.
was it heat and humidity
that fueled his cupidity
or just his inordinate lust?
"
"she tongue-beats her mate; she's a scold.
her husband does just what he's told.
she continues to flap her jaw:
she's a regular clapperclaw.
her noisy tirade's getting old.
"
"comrade rudi to wife?""rain i fear.""
wife to rudi?""today will be clear.
i doubt we'll get wet.""
rudi shouted out, ""nyet!""
adding, ""rudolph the red knows rain, dear.""
"
"the child flashed an innocent look
and denied that tom's wallet he took.
""rapscallion!"" tom cried
and thus clearly implied
that this urchin was really a crook.
"
"for sex with my wife i must beg;
hope it won't cost an arm and a leg.
when i pleaded last night,
she gave in: ""well, all right.""
then she used me for timing an egg.
"
"a crossbow makes missiles fly faster
but requires some patience to master.
this scottish crossbowman
can be a real showman?
an awfully awesome awblaster.
"
"hortense f., camille d. and rose b.:
better halves of great artists all three.
when these wives shed their clothes,
did they do more than pose?
can't ask claude or auguste or paul c.
"
"""return kitty!"" joe heard thomas shout.
""she was only on loan, you big lout!""
said tom, sounding petulant,
""you know, joe, i'll bet you went
in and catnapped her while i was out.""
"
"d.a. tom sent the man to the chair
and watched as they strapped him in there.
he was jolted repeatedly
as tom noted conceitedly,
""i've brought justice with charges to spare.""
"
"conservatives whispered, ""please shush!""
right-wingers were brought to a hush.
then a man all in black
addressed the cpac.
johnny cash?  nah, just wind from fat rush.
"
"if you're sending a note to l.a.,
don't forget to address it this way:
write los angeles down,
add a zip for the town.
in between write the state code: ca.
"
"palin aims to restore our humanity
and save us from fiscal insanity.
sarah, please  keep in mind
you must follow behind
rush limbaugh, o'reilly and hannity.
"
"the project seemed very ambitious:
rate beauty of bare-butted dishes.
tom admits, ""i'm confessing
some trouble assessing;
they all look so darn bootylicious.""
"
"have you played ""name the bimbo""  for thrills?
who's the fox who outfoxed wilbur mills?
earn a point if you do know
who keel-hauled profumo,
who riced hart, shacked the rock, gave bill chills?
"
"the auction had reached record highs,
with two bidders both chasing one prize.
""do i hear?"" tom re-uttered,
then morbidly muttered,
""this event may go on 'til one dies.""
"
"let's make campers all sign a group pact:
to keep campgrounds they visit intact.
""some have a propensity,""
said tom with intensity,
""to leave and not clean up their act.""
"
"kiki surfs with a real saucy 'tude.
all the hotties think he's a brash dude.
""oh, aaaah, ooo!"" they sigh.
they all wanna know why
kiki always hangs ten in the nude.
"
"man, i can't roll a 7 for spit.
an eleven won't come, not a bit.
now i've lost all my cash,
gotta do somethin' rash?
a convenience store, that's what i'll hit!
"
"speech impediments shouldn't draw whisp-
ers from speakers whose words sound much crisp-
er.  and who's the mean fool
who acted so cruel
by putting an 's' into lisp?
"
"their motions are graceful and true:
an aquatic ballet pas de deux.
can a synchronized swim
lead to accidents grim?
if one drowns does the other drown too?
"
"""my wife claims you've ruined the halter
that she brought in for your shop to alter.""
tailor tom, smiling graciously,
bleated mendaciously,
""we'll fix it. this time we won't falter.""
"
"in the bookstore i searched every stack
but could not find the self-help book rack.
my pleas for assistance
were met with resistance.
they said that is the skill that i lack.
"
"""cleopatra: i'll grab her and squeeze her,""
mused julius, then bade his men seize her.
cleo doubted he'd sate her.
""i'll make my marc later,
but for now i'll just tease this old geezer.""
"
"the david unveiled and quite soon it
caused sculptors to rant and impugn it.
they stared at it blinking,
""what was mikey thinking?
his hands are thrice big as his unit!""
"
"octuplets!  the press is enthralled.
eight babies, one mom, so she's called.
when this fame-seeking schnook
needs a name for her book,
i'd suggest octopussy: unballed.
"
"shepherd tom's favorite buck had dropped dead,
so he took several ewes to his bed.
in a voice a bit unctious,
tom said, ""i'm rambunctious,
and the woolite has gone to my head.""
"
"a farmer grew parsley in cages;
little pens where he nursed it through stages.
""plant abuse!  force undue!"",
cried the pclu.
if they sue, will they garnish his wages?
"
"for those who possess great acuity
and require a flawless congruity:
please don't sweat the petty things
and don't pet the sweaty things?
two rules that avoid ambiguity.
"
"came home early and was quite perplexed:
our two brats running wild, what was next?
while their feckless young sitter,
absorbed and a-twitter,
was sending her tweet-heart some text.
"
"it's your vote that counts in democracy.
it's god's vote that counts in theocracy.
but sadly we note
it's just counts that vote
when they rule in a cruel aristocracy.
"
"the gypsy seemed ready to pluck her.
that caused her best friend's brow to pucker.
""her predictions are lies,
there's deceit in her eyes?
please don't become one more seer sucker.""
"
"some women make pork, lamb or veal
that could earn the good housekeeping seal.
my wife serves up gook;
she's such a bad cook,
in my house we pray after the meal.
"
"""buenos aires,"" porte?os all say,
""grandest city in all of sa.""
ba is the spot
where the music is hot:
you can tango all night and all day.
"
"we're a tribe that greets male births with joy,
but we've run out of names to employ.
we have three running bears;
there are four cunning hares;
the new brave is a true sioux named boy.
"
"croatia's a place you might go
to enjoy balkan culture and flow.
dubrovnik and split
are each always a hit
with the tourists who travel to cro.
"
"fartin' finn, at the stroke city fair,
had a  musical talent quite rare.
""danny boy"" was a tune
he could blare out his moon?
the crowd roared at his loud ""derry air"".
"
"all the docs say ""don't drink any more!""
i have only two choices in store.
a bottle in front o' me?
a frontal lobotomy?
the verdict is in?""barkeep, pour!""
"
"vegetarians can be great snackers.
crunching cookies, they're noisy lip smackers.
but i have one big question
regarding ingestion,
can vegans eat animal crackers?
"
"most gas station bathrooms smell mean.
these wcs are obscene.
so why do they lock 'em?
perhaps it would shock 'em
if someone broke in just to clean.
"
"i'm a driver who stays between lines,
eschews speed and avoids any fines.
there is one thing unclear
and that's how do the deer
know to cross at those bright yellow signs.
"
"talking price means you cannot afford
that new pad that your wife has adored.
but if you've got the rent,
tell the world what you've spent
so your status your friends can record.
"
"boston blackie had no use for cops.
he thought most of them poor bungling flops.
an arch foe to the bad ones
and friend to the sad ones,
as a crime buster blackie was tops.
"
"they're called ""madmen"" and often maligned
when their visions cannot be defined
within norms that we know.
they upset status quo.
to a dark-house they once were consigned.
"
"dr. love, won't you answer my call
since i haven't been laid since last fall?
can you help me get well?
without pickpockets, hell,
i'd be left with no sex life at all.
"
"""see beirut!"" recommends travel news.
is this lebanon town safe for jews?
next year in jerusalem?
while that might enthuse, ahem,
perhaps we should try a nice cruise?
"
"? males chose a ? ? test:
perhaps ? rays turn out the best
way to bake apple ??
but the dough caused a ?
when it ?'s so much more than they'd guessed.
"
"daylight-saving time's here, then it's gone.
i'm confused: when's it off, when's it on?
fix the clock, hit the sack,
spring ahead, then fall back?
but spend winters in boca raton.
"
"their pitcher sure throws a mean splitter.
thank god they have outlawed the spitter!
his big curve i won't face;
our dh takes my place,
in the spot where we need a good hitter.
"
"when your internal artistry meets
your external expression in feats,
then you're really in luck;
your performance is ""buck""?
boss dancing brings crowds out of seats.
"
"for young david let praises be sung.
on his skill his land's future was hung.
with a sharp-pointed rock,
he delivered a shock:
giant slain with a tip of the slung.
"
"""clap your hands!"" we implore baby denny,
""we'll play a fun game of clap-benny.""
now this is the way
little infants can pray?
with each clap,  they'll be earning a penny.
"
"all the students were locked in his stare.
their soiled souls needed cleansing and care.
one dumb boor acted crass;
raised a cheek and passed gas.
how much grief should a poor yogi bear?
"
"cocktail parties draw people with class:
doctors, lawyers, executive brass.
the proctologist wed
to that woman in red?
what a match ? she's a pain in the ass!
"
"the guy's really one of a kind.
he's as smart as you're likely to find.
strange thoughts flow from his brain,
causing some to maintain
that he's out of his poor fecund mind.
"
"he had too many pints of dark ale.
he was dazed and decidedly pale.
he pondered and wavered,
then wandered and davered?
he could not tell his head from his tail.
"
"want a  tan that can't fade for the beach?
a new product's within easy reach.
try the handy tan fast stick?
results are fantastic!
big bonus: the color won't bleach.
"
"visit baltimore; plenty to see,
inner harbor, babe's birthplace, e.g.
but if you long for oolong,
don't stay there for too long,
'cause the natives agree there's no 't'.
"
"he knew her condition was dire,
as he gathered dry wood for the pyre.
then he prayed through the night
that she'd live so he might
never need then to light the cold-fire.
"
"ch?ri, a youth callow and reckless,
had a lovelife both shallow and feckless.
his middle-aged lover
was sad to discover
he didn't love her, just her necklace.
"
"eric bana, a comic down under,
starred in movies that featured much plunder.
but he shed his troy tunic
for a lead role in munich,
then played henry the eighth with great thunder.
"
"charles boyer, suave and sexy french star,
had great pick-up lines, smoothest by far.
one i tried didn't work
and she called me a jerk.
i'd crooned, ""come with me to the cash baaaaaaaar.""
"
"""we eat everything!"" bragged tom and flo.
their hostess served blackbird ?go know!
flo gulped, ""thanks for havin' us.""
tom gagged, less than ravenous,
""well, i guess we'll just have to eat crow.""
"
"her apparent good cheer seemed quite odd,
but we learned it was just a facade.
when the fact became known
that her fortune had flown,
d?nouement showed us degringolade
"
"tom, the weatherman, stood on his toes
to observe the tin cock's pointed nose.
""that rooster's uproarious
and somewhat vainglorious;
he's cocksure of which way the wind blows.""
"
"some investors consulted attorneys
while others lie strapped in their gurneys.
in madoff they'd trusted,
but now they're flat busted?
all caused by a weak end at bernie's.
"
"some computer nerds give me a scare.
first an image is gone, then it's there.
these high-tech confusers
bring  angst to poor users,
so of geeks baring gifs?please beware!
"
"try two-wheeling through london?it's grand.
and you'll soon learn the lay of the land.
if you ride in a group,
find the head of your troop
and call, ""hey, leader! bike up the strand!""
"
"though she no longer carries the torch
as the guv of the state she would scorch,
can she really spot russkies
heading east with their huskies
on a course bearing straight to her porch?
"
"dilly-dallying, playing the fool,
was his chosen pursuit as a rule.
his desipient style
caused his parents to smile
and then send this tool off on a mule.
"
"maximillian eschewed liquid snacks
'cause his bladder gave painful attacks.
his organ for urine
was barely endurin'?
""try flomax,""  his doc said. ""relax!""
"
"he espied the jeweled chain neath her snoot.
that he'd steal it was not in dispute.
though in elegant taste,
all the stones were mere paste;
what he grabbed was just faux hanging loot.
"
"tom's swift mount lacked a thoroughbred's grace.
at the track he seemed quite out of place.
crude jockeys cursed coarsely,
but tom countered hoarsely,
""my steed will indeed win the race.""
"
"have no clue as to which way to go,
but intent on attacking your foe?
when they ask to convene,
meet and find a new mean,
just resist, be ""the party of no.""
"
"""that bent cig looks quite funny to me,""
opined tom, somewhat dubiously.
""are you sure it's not pot?
'cause it sure smells a lot
like dried cannabis buds.  on a spree?""
"
"for dissenters with nothing to do,
freedomworks has a real job for you:
disrupt a town meeting,
shout a ""no! no! no!"" greeting,
then repair to the bar for a brew.
"
"those who belly dance add lots of spice
to an act that you'll want to see twice.
contractions abdominal!
reactions phenomenal!
i'm surprised they don't bump up the price.
"
"he woke up with his head in a fog,
the result of last night's bout with grog.
""just one more!"" challenged pig
as he danced a mad jig.
should have passed on the dare of the hog.
"
"i admire those polar bear nuts
who endure shocking cold?that takes guts.
that curglaff they feel
makes them jump out and squeal
as they rush to wrap blankets 'round butts.
"
"do you want your new business to bloom?
then betwixt these two signs there is room:
???    pawn valuables here
and?we sell fishing gear
'tween a hock and a rod place, you'll boom.
"
"swells in bahstin all drive fancy cahs,
sporting flat-screen tvs, built-in bahs.
possession obsession
dissolves their depression,
when they get a bad case of the blahs.
"
"those schemers cause quite a loud din
as they prattle and plan their next sin.
their chatter's a chavish
of sounds that are knavish;
evil deeds they make haste to begin.
"
"filled with anger, unable to cope,
she's about at the end of her rope.
but she drowns all her wrath
in a warm bubble bath
and comes out with a soul full of hope.
"
"add de to the letters you're mailing
to the place from which biden is hailing.
it's where freedom was nursed;
constitution passed first,
and a state with some great ocean sailing.
"
"a great painter, a writer, a star,
bc native but traveled afar.
you won't know the best
of pacific's northwest
until you can say you've read carr.
"
"van beethoven's fifth was a hummer.
it featured trombonists and drummer.
some critics gave grief
re his four-note motif.
he pronounced them dumb, dumb, dumb and dumber.
"
"place the ball in the quarterback's lap
then prepare to move out, block the gap.
guards and tackles, dismayed
that he's handsomely paid,
say, ""what? centering?  that's just a snap.""
"
"the obama plant program decreed:
we'll provide all the bulbs that you need.
two guvs are not merry:
pawlenty and perry.
they both want their states to see seed.
"
"have you gone to bern, brussels, berlin?
haven't seen budapest? that's a sin!
bucharest and belfast
will yield memories that last;
add this b-list to places you've been.
"
"the watergate mess got much blacker
on the saturday  bork became whacker
of poor archibald cox
and though bork took some knocks,
tricky dick was the major cox sacker.
"
"banana, potato and dresser
are unique words that might fool a lesser
puzzle solver who'd stammer
over uneven grammar?
think backwards to be a good guesser.
"
"if each limerick i chose to submit
weighed one pound (sixteen ounces to wit),
then this one, we'd agree,
earns cwt
as a tag to accompany it.
"
"three quid for just one pint of beer?
the price is an outrage?too dear!
this gouging must stop!
who's in charge of this shop?
i'll have words with the head aproneer.
"
"tom challenged pierre to a duel
'cause the frenchman had called him a fool.
tom pointedly jarred
pierre with ""en garde!
with my saber i'll take you to school!""
"
"cheek-to-cheek as we danced, i was dreamin'?
no stern look in her eyes, they're abeamin'.
bow-to-bow at this stage meant
safe navel engagement?
no danger of great loss of semen.
"
"a norseman of stature and fame
needed someone to keep high the flame.
so he named his son heir,
as he cried, ""leif the fair,
you're my arfname?i hereby proclaim.""
"
"each day he gave blood, sweat and toil
as he drilled ever deep into soil.
""nature's treating me rudely,""
thought tom, gushing crudely,
""will i ever convert dirt to oil?""
"
"""there's a hole in the boat, maybe two.
so i'm sorry to say this sail's through.
this boat is now leaking.""
tom, balefully speaking,
forebodingly stared at his crew.
"
"though the dow's coming back, i still bridle?
unemployed, mad as hell, suicidal.
without a good job
i'm just part of the mob
that's been labelled ""american idle.""
"
"canadians cried ""own the podium!""
will canada's cheers turn to odium
if their athletes go cold
and they don't win the gold
in hockey? please pass the imodium.
"
"the asp was evicted for pissin'
all over his place.  he said, ""listen,
i'm just a poor snake
who cannot catch a break?
not even a small pit to hiss in.""
"
"though precocious and spoiled as a child,
this aesthete sought a life more than mild.
love of art, biting wit
always made him a hit:
cultured oscar was born to be wilde.
"
"oland, toler and winters all played
a detective (it wasn't sam spade).
though the three were caucasian,
this sleuth was pure asian.
if you guessed charlie chan, a's your grade!
"
"deal eight cards to each player and then
match the pile's rank or suit?  yes?  amen!
play an eight, call the suit.
no more cards?  grab the loot.
crazy eights?let's go mates, deal again.
"
"san francisco's fast subway's called bart.
it makes getting 'round town cheap and smart.
of course homer's brash son
wants each ride to be done:
""are we there yet?"" he yells from the start.
"
"you're an alchemist?  that, sir, i  doubt.
you have never worked hard, you're a lout.
if the whole truth be told
you will never make gold;
time to wake up and get the lead out!
"
"bilking widows: the felony charge
'gainst midget, false psychic, miss marge.
but this seer got free.
the police apb:
attention, small medium at large.
"
"when amanda was knocked up by seth
all the townspeople took a deep breath.
daddy loaded his gun
and said, ""sonny, pick one?
it's your choice?do you want wife or death?""
"
"mick jagger loves diana ross.
he collects all her albums, of course.
one can clearly deduce
his aversion to bruce,
because rolling stones gather no ""boss"".
"
"you want to get out of the race;
nervous tension from problems you face.
though life's no bed of roses,
remember that moses
was once just a small basket case.
"
"the impulse to dance was embedded.
to terpsichore's spell she was wedded.
in a mini or midi,
watch her twirl and grow giddy
and soon she'll be quite dansey-headed.
"
"i dare you to stop me from crying!
there's a sure-fire way, no denying.
with your hands tease my ears
and you'll soon ease my tears:
that's a challenge that's clearly worth trying.
"
"he was caught out of doors when he froze.
he was cold from his teeth to his toes.
an aquabob grew,
a huge icicle, blue,
from the snotflakes that fell from his nose.
"
"the baron did not care to share
a small cell with those already there.
so he paid them all chummage
then told them to rummage
and find somewhere else to repair.
"
"making love to this honey when?wow!
she was suddenly bawling, and how.
""hate yourself in the am
for nights of such mayhem?""
she sobbed, ""no, i hate myself now.""
"
"i love broccoli, brussels sprouts, beans.
butter lettuce, bok choy by all means.
these veggies all live for us
so i'm being apivorous
by ingesting these bee-sounding greens.
"
"stop tapping your feet; it's annoying?
those are waxed hardwood floors you're destroying.
take this as a pointer?
it's a nuisance to clointer
with those ironclad shoes you're deploying.
"
"the king of the jungle has stores
of deafening strength during wars.
when wounded, it's proud
to be royally loud?
they say when it pains that it roars.
"
"when a man wandered deep in thick fog,
slipped and flipped as he tripped on his dog,
landed flop on the top
of some vile, viscous slop,
he became just a lump on a bog.
"
"a long series of numbers can bring
a shrewd guess of the one in the wing.
one, one, two, three, then five,
eight, thirteen, now derive:
what's the next that continues this string?
"
"in a chain gang tom's bound to the next
wretched inmate who seems to be vexed
over inconsequential,
dumb rules penitential,
like having to work while you text.
"
"there's a hole in this boat, i'm afraid.
i'm not sure if the dock can be made.
let's decide, time is short.
shall we try or abort?
our two options are row versus wade.
"
"as proud yankees enjoyed their parade,
celebrating the mark they had made,
diapasons of cheers?
bursts of sounds?reached their ears.
what a wonderful series they played!
"
"i peruse my bank statement with care.
a deposit last week?was it there?
a ""cr"", meaning credit,
did appear?that should vet it.
i'll withdraw, with some money to spare.
"
"our young dorothy loved marine park.
she thought diving with dolphins a lark.
but she plunged in dim light
where they kept the great white?
now our daughter's a dot in the shark.
"
"""were there dividends, dear, in the mail?""
my poor husband calls out, sounding frail.
all our income from stock
disappeared causing shock.
""bernie madoff, you pig, rot in jail!""
"
"some poor sots frequent bars for some snorts,
but they've often a case of the shorts.
they'll drink anything wet;
for half-price, what they get
is a glass of mixed dregs called all sorts.
"
"""wise latina"" is grilled to a sear.
hill opponents dissect her career.
but cool sonia does fine;
she's now one of the nine.
those disjoiners deserve a bronx cheer.
"
"i am annulate (ring?d), not strip?d.
got just forelegs (the hind ones were wip?d
from my hips long ago).
change is slow, but y'know,
i'm now bipes ? a featherless biped.
"
"a young trucker within a bazaar
ordered, ""pluck 'er, ma'am. here's a dinar
and a silver rupee ?
clean that partridge for me.
(love that chuckar (or tasty chukar).)""
"
"there are runners without any tracks
among scads of great gamefish ? the jacks,
trevallies, jack mackerels ...
there's loads of lip smackerels
in carangidae schools (fishy packs).
"
"we know, gals, what show-gals you are,
but i still think it's kinda bizarre
that while annabelle's stocks
rose as hot fanne foxe,
fannie belle's did as well, as blaze starr.
"
"as the start of the middle jurassic
(or the end of the lower (liassic))
the aalenian stage
is the recognized age,
marked by ammonites (life-forms thalassic).
"
"a canal's a big ditch ? sea to sea
or between any points a and b ?
that keeps cargo afloat.
don't unload barge or boat
till you've traveled the whole e-ri-ee.
"
"the dandy's great desperate dan
spurns caviare, tournedos and flan.
he eats cow pies for strength ?
cows in crusts, at their length,
horns and all. he's the world's strongest man.
"
"though it's stifling, i've baked a p?t?
and a goose, and a salmon souffle.
i suppose i should serve it,
but, dears, i'm enervate.
help yourselves from the heaping buffet.
"
"i was flabbergasted, dumb with confusion,
when they broke down the door. such intrusion!
both her husbands at once!
then i felt like a dunce ?
her love was the sheerest illusion.
"
"""okay. why did you dye the cat blue?
you have major explaining to do.""
""well, i found all this dye ...
it's like god in the sky ?
not explicable, mom, merely true.""
"
"black power, the movement he led
as a muslim, american-bred,
lost a lot of its soul
in the fight for control;
malcolm x, by three men, was shot dead.
"
"a chicken's unique, it is said,
as a creature who keeps us well-fed.
it provides us a treat,
with its eggs or its meat,
before being born and when dead.
"
"since americans favor high scoring,
world cup soccer they're largely ignoring.
crowd buzz (vuvuzelas)
can't stir all those fellas
playing nil-nil events?ultra boring.
"
"little tommy was wondering why
mommy's gray, messy hair made her cry.
""dad, she said where she's gone.
what's a beauty salon?""
""it's a place where girls curl up and dye.""
"
"what's a colony that can collapse?
it's a beehive that dies and perhaps
when the workers and drones
are reduced to bee bones
just the queen will remain to play ""taps.""
"
"mistress muffet was eager to learn
how to make cottage cheese with a churn.
she gathered her curds
(they looked like white turds)
and then didn't know which whey to turn.
"
"little pigs, musketeers, dixie chicks,
fountain coins, the front court of the knicks
come in 3's?as do these:
wise men, blind mice, and peas,
charlie's angels (hot girls who were dicks).
"
"a cad, not just bad, he's much badder.
a rake, he will make that girl sadder.
a five-alarm liar,
he set her on fire:
this thief took a brief look and had her.
"
"corners, tops, beatles' mops, singing aces,
cello strings, card-deck kings, baseball bases,
mt. rushmore noses,
horsemen, and roses:
all things that have 4 as their faces.
"
"now what dance has a doodle (means ""slide"")
and just where do you mooch side to side,
hands on hips, mess around,
break a leg (watch the ground)?
the black bottom.  go dance it with pride.
"
"for declining to mow our front grass
my son merits a smack on his ass.
or i could spare the rod
when he won't pare the sod?
spank him hard or just give him a pass?
"
"sandra bullock,  the cutest of dames,
added hers to a list of great names
with the oscar she won,
but she soon was undone:
thrown a blindside by spouse jesse james.
"
"young victoria's secret was that
her real breasts were not firm and not fat.
""the runways are littered,""
fashionista tom tittered,
""with models whose boobs are quite flat.""
"
"the upholsterer worked with great flair
but his heart attack caused quite a scare.
o'er the bed chair help hovered,
but he never recovered.
to this day the recliner lies bare.
"
"say the rosary slowly?don't blab it!
and say, ""please pass the food""?don't just grab it!
it's a shame, sister gabby,
you're the talk of the abbey.
you've become such a creature of habit.
"
"one more hole in my belt?how unkind.
it's a cinch that i'm now in a bind.
every food i must taste;
it's so true that a waist
is a terribly tough thing to mind.
"
"the young golfer, on top of his rank,
hit a bump on the way to the bank
when a bevy of beauties,
a group of real cuties,
claimed a tiger had been in their tank.
"
"watching curling, a game with no spice?
then be ready to yawn once or twice.
the teams slide a large stone,
sweep it into the zone;
think of shuffleboard, bocce?on ice!
"
"agrippina, the mother of nero,
had positioned her son as a hero.
when he plotted her death,
she lost grip. her last breath:
""my return on investment is zero.""
"
"old beethoven, quite a cool cat,
had a sound that was hip and was phat.
his symphony five
will always survive:
his fateful three gs plus e-flat.
"
"robert reed played the daddy mike brady.
florence henderson starred as his lady.
the pair packed a punch
as they herded their bunch,
and mike once played the dad of his zayde.
"
"though at adwalton moor fairfax lost,
he made royalists pay a great cost.
stout sir thomas, outnumbered,
with raw troops encumbered,
was doomed?his bold gambit star-crossed.
"
"he often looked glum, never smiley,
but his acting was valued quite highly.
william bendix was great
as both father and mate
and as everyman chester a. riley.
"
"french leaders did not have a clue
at their garrison site dien bien phu.
each viet minh heavy gun
fired shells by the ton
until no more supplies could get through.
"
"beachy head saw the frenchmen prevail
and lose nary a ship under sail.
for a short time the french
gained control of the ""trench"",
but the allies escaped, turning tail.
"
"when at blenheim the french were thrown back
'cross the rhine by the british attack,
it was caused by the plan
of the marlborough man,
who smoked 'em real hard with his pack.
"
"borodino, a battle hard fought,
was a win for the french but for nought.
""boney"" lost the last chance
to claim victory for france.
it was pyrrhic and not what he sought.
"
"when william met james at  the boyne,
in fierce battle their armies would join.
as the crossing was done
it was clear who had won:
orange billy's face still graced the coin.
"
"at asculum, pyrrhus prevailed.
his elephants' charges curtailed
roman legions, much touted,
who were thoroughly routed,
but the cost of the win was bewailed.
"
"every zodiac sign's multi-sided.
into three equal parts they're divided.
within ten-degree ranges,
planet rulership changes
as to power each decan is guided.
"
"film star robert donat played each part
with great skill and real feel for his art.
he put stars in eclipse
with goodbye, mr. chips?
won an oscar for tugging each heart.
"
"growing older, my wife's hit some snags
like poor hearing and recall that lags.
for my birthday this year,
i got condoms; that's queer?
it was bagpipes i craved, not pipe bags!
"
"right-wing tv host/pundit glenn beck
(liberals claim he has just half a deck)
holds his viewers in thrall
as he chalkboards it all.
breaking news? brilliant views? nah, just dreck.
"
"doff a bonnet, a beanie, beret,
a beretta, a boater; or, say,
tip a tam or a toque
or a turban?no joke?
it's the way to cap off a great day.
"
"he was heir to the austrian crown.
archduke franz, on a tour, was shot down
by a serbian band
that was called the black hand.
world war i sadly marks his renown.
"
"on each bloomsday i'm under some stress
to revisit james joyce.  i confess
that i question myself
as i pull book from shelf.
my response: i said yes i will yes.
"
"in las vegas casinos there's din
from those slots earning wages of sin.
each poor fool takes a seat
and assumes he can beat
those odds set by the sages of wynn.
"
"was i bombed last night?  just view the tapes.
i'm the drunk wearing lampshade and drapes.
now my tongue feels so furry
and my brain's like a slurry.
vision blurred, i incurred wrath of grapes.
"
"""benedictine and brandy?  that's great,""
tom said cordially. answered his mate:
 ""b and b, mon amour?
i meant 'inn' not 'liqueur'.
bed and breakfast's the treat that you rate.""
"
"our american cousin: the fare
at ford's theater when lincoln was there.
booth then shot poor abe dead
through the back of his head?
""sic semper tyrannis"" his blare.
"
"""odds against us seem terribly slanted,""
nervous rebs to their general ranted.
commander-in-chief, lee
responded quite briefly?
""our defeat can't be taken for granted.""
"
"little dolly's a sheep with no ma.
and, in fact, there ain't even a pa!
from one cell she was grown
so they called her a clone.
some folks cheered, but some others cried, ""bah!""
"
"what great anguish he started to feel
when his caddy turned into bent steel.
then dolorifuge came
when the person to blame
was his mother-in-law at the wheel.
"
"star jon cryer plays dad to a teen
who just counts as a half in each scene
that he shares with two men
who are brothers, but then
one, in real life, has lost lots of sheen.
"
"archie, edith and lib daughter gloria
were the bunkers who lived in astoria.
don't forget ""meathead"" mike,
who could make archie spike.
tv viewers said, ""we love the four a ya.""
"
"he once sensed the sweet smell of success;
the defiant ones thrive under stress.
camera-shy he was not
because some like it hot?
and he even looked great in a dress.
"
"of a limited number of all
ways that masses may move (rise or fall),
any one's  a degree
of freedom, a key
to statistical physics?good call.
"
"have i tasted this mustard before?
it's a condiment i just adore.
is it really brand new
or perhaps dijon vu?
grey poupon? lay it on?give me more!
"
"cincinnatus was u.s. grant's horse
and was at appomattox, of course.
since lee's traveler balked,
the two steeds never talked,
but lee's gelding showed zero remorse.
"
"hugh beaumont, a great tv dad,
never yelled even when he was mad.
in the '50s, ward cleaver
would leave it to beaver
then step in and advise the young lad.
"
"lisbon women born into nobility,
get a title they bear with humility.
so raquel and ramona
can be greeted as dona,
as both birthright and sign of civility.
"
"two braggarts decided to vie
in a contest of boasting?no lie.
""i will crush you amigo,
you can't touch my ego,
let's launch this debate i to i.""
"
"james, a parrot head down on his luck,
shined men's shoes while he sang for a buck.
""put your boot on my tuffet
and let old jimmy buff it?
no guitar,  so i can't give a pluck.""
"
"though their outfield has all of us talking
'bout the batters they robbed, no use squawking.
at the plate don't be faint?
gotta hit where they ain't.
clear the fence to defeat their ball-hawking.
"
"short-track skating's a blast from the go.
but soul brothers from seoul stole the show.
now apolo must settle
for some lesser metal.
is it silver?  just bronze?  yikes, oh no!
"
"all the cpacers took a straw vote
to see which one would captain their boat.
mitt and sarah were mauled
and were clearly a-paul-ed.
all the libs can just sit back and gloat.
"
"steve jobs said, ""i gave all that i had.
if they can't compete, that's not my bad.""
his foes have to grapple
with products from apple?
first imac, then iphone, now ipad.
"
"a cabalist or practical realist?
do you always think ""plot"" when you see a list
of disjointed events
with suspicious intents?
apophenic?  or twisted idealist?
"
"the best man was a presence that loomed.
he once dated the girl and presumed
next to her he could sidle
causing groom tom to bridle,
""my betrothed is already well-groomed.""
"
"breeding doggies for color? by golly,
such practices border on folly.
what could be more absurder
than a day-glo sheep herder?
this could lead to a deep melon collie.
"
"when gene autry yelled ""come!"" in the air,
faithful champion seemed not to care.
he might have run faster
to serve his kind master,
but he'd just finished serving a mare.
"
"the mad cannibal ran to the church,
where he hung from a dangerous perch.
then he yelled from the steeple,
""i'm fed up with people,
and white-meat and dark-meat research!""
"
"a small nail plus a droplet motif;
cutter, hemmer or seamer that's brief;
mad wolf's boast before puff;
a great place for sweet stuff;
tote or lug beneath tree without leaf.
"
"the expense one might likely incur meant
a choice that could lead to deferment.
should one trade a fine coffin
(which loved ones want often)
for disposal, a cheaper interment?
"
"describe an adult?  it's a riddle?
some are feeble, some fit as a fiddle.
as to size, it depends;
some stopped growth at both ends
but continued to grow in the middle.
"
"gomez addams was played by john astin,
who as daddy was having a blast in
a show that was kooky
and spooky and ooky?
a family with really weird castin'.
"
"at a  drug rehab center in mass.
they repeated this rule at each class.
as you greet each new dawn,
read the sign on our lawn,
and remember to keep off the grass!
"
"mark chapman shot john the fourth time
then waited to pay for his crime.
he's now serving life
for bringing such strife:
an event without reason or rhyme.
"
"maybe you and your spouse have a spat.
you can pick up your iphone and chat
with a certified shrink
who'll respond in a wink.
did you know there's an app just for that?
"
"at dettingen, england  stood fast
and defeated the french force amassed.
back then 'twas the thing,
armies led by the king,
but for britain this time would be last.
"
"deadly sins, against thebes, come 11,
wonders, sacraments leading to heaven,
days in may, brides for brothers,
grumpy, doc and five others:
list of things, all preceded by 7.
"
"santa noticed significant pauses
by some elves who espoused union causes.
he called a quick meeting
and his words bear repeating:
""i'm the boss! you're subordinate clauses!""?
"
"jjj and st baptism frame
a mnemonic to call up each name
of apostles, twelve strong,
who chose right over wrong,
and when called to their lord, gladly came.
"
"his three sons, adam, little joe, ""hoss"",
made ben cartwright quite glad he was boss.
star lorne greene played this part
with both gusto and heart:
made bonanza a true tour de force.
"
"a b-girl pimps drinks at a bar,
while a b-girl's a breakdancing star.
who makes the most dough?
well wouldn't you know,
she's the one with the capital.  har!
"
"us soldiers, abused without spell,
very often were killed when they fell.
japanese were to blame
for this cruel march of shame.
at bataan war was far worse than hell.
"
"peter boyle played the dad frank barone.
his sarcastic asides were well known.
but he kept us entranced
as the monster who danced
while he put on the ritz with a groan.
"
"tim taylor, with tools in his clench,
gave viewers some tips from his bench.
it was comedy smart
that could pull at your heart,
with a twist from a tim allen wrench.
"
"from the right they yell: ""drill, baby, drill!""
they need donors to fill up their till.
fat cats like bp
were allowed to run free.
what they brought us is: ""spill, baby, spill!""
"
"tom bosley deserved all our praise
as the dad in the show happy days.
he was warm, never phony,
and he once won a tony?
fiorello!, the best of his plays.
"
"when caligula asked friends to dine,
on some pillows on which they'd recline,
incitatus, his horse,
would attend every course
and quite often select the red wine.
"
"arcaro was cool, not a ranter.
he rarely enjoyed tack room banter.
each mount he'd inspire,
galloped wire to wire.
opponents cried, ""please eddie, canter!""
"
"in a plan some consider inane,
there's a movement to bowdlerize twain.
they'll republish huck finn
with no n-word within.
that will surely remove slavery's stain.
"
"""i have been to the mountaintop,"" king
said.  the next day some heard the shot ring.
though young martin was gone,
civil rights groups pressed on;
""take my hand, precious lord"" marchers sing.
"
"each party in congress espouses
positions at odds which arouses
contempt for each faction.
the public's reaction:
""let plague rain on both of your houses.""
"
"his big appetite gives him no peace.
his great hunger seems never to cease.
try a broiled seafood diet?
""if i see food i'll try it.""
tom belched stoutly, ""i'm proudly obese!""
"
"i was skiing the dunes in namibia
when i fell and i damaged my tibia.
broken bones are no fun.
i chose sand in the sun
but next year i'll stay safe and try libya.
"
"poor marat met his end in a tub
when corday gave him more than a scrub,
but poor charlotte, alas,
lost her head and her ass
at the guillotine?aye, there's the rub.
"
"said calpurnia, ""julie, don't go.
you've been working too hard?take a blow.""
""friends"" conspired to gore him
in his seat at the forum.
should have listened to wifey.  go know!
"
"ever hear of ms. mary surratt,
condemned in the ""kill lincoln"" plot?
the first woman to die
'neath the government's eye,
while the men were well-hung, she was not.
"
"who's the trotter few horses could catch,
with a record no other could match?
who's the most famous pacer,
the ultimate racer?
the champion known as dan patch.
"
"some claim jason declared an embargo
that blocked female tars from the argo.
but one girl without fault
joined the crew as a salt?
atalanta was more than just cargo.
"
"desert, freshwater, grassland, marine
are four biomes we mustn't demean.
add forest and tundra
to nature's conundra
that humans must solve.  keep earth green!
"
"some prelates will seek to enthrall
with a message that sin haunts us all.
but the truth is that most pastors
are god's humble postmasters
delivering epistles from paul.
"
"there are dumps in which harlotry thrives,
dens where men get away from their wives.
their loud boasting is clear:
""we serve women and beer!
come and sample the lays of our dives.""
"
"adding mustard, wasabi makes sense,
when you want to make taste more intense.
but at every meal's seating,
please practice safe eating;
use condiments: bland food's defense.
"
"though he wasn't a high-scoring type,
he was clever at drawing a swipe.
and his aim was just fine
at the court's foul line.
the man thrived at the charity stripe.
"
"""only pooches can swim in this pool.
canines yes, felines no: that's the rule.""
lifeguard tom barked dogmatically,
and over-emphatically,
""please go elsewhere to keep your cat cool.""
"
"dashing governors shared a state line.
their raffish young styles seemed to shine.
""moral values!""  they spouted,
'til one pol was ""outed,""
while the other was dubbed ""client nine.""
"
"the profumo affair seemed quite queer.
london call girl and war sec?oh dear!
rumour spread that she'd drowned
but she'd only been found
bobbing up and down under a peer.
"
"""why do firemen have a dalmatian?""
asked a gramps of his younger relation.
the child searched his mind
and responded, ""to find
all the hydrants!""  ? a clear explanation.
"
"south sudan has become a new nation.
this poor country achieved separation
from its neighbor up north
and, now free, issues forth,
while its people enjoy juba-lation.
"
"on his route to be prez, gary hart
took a dish on a boat, not too smart.
some pal took a snap
of hot rice on his lap?
monkey business upsets apple cart.
"
"an aide took her duties too far,
which prompted much digging by starr.
smokin' assets so reachable
led to lies so impeachable?
this young intern deserves a cigar!
"
"the old stewardess stopped at their row.
""having dinner?"" she asked ceil and moe.
""so what are the choices?""
they asked with starved voices.
""just two,"" she replied. ""yes or no.""
"
"removing the box from the van
didn't go quite according to plan.
a falling packed crate
gave the guy a cracked pate.
what a painful delivery, man!
"
"noah gave all his kin his assurance
that the deluge would test their endurance.
""i have built us an ark?
and we leave before dark?
'cause we sure can't afford flood insurance.""
"
"two old towns where libidos were torrid,
had invented new sins, dark and horrid.
but sodom alone
coined a verb of its own,
because no one is ever gomorrah-ed.
"
"some say hopalong cassidy's mount
could perform any trick, even count.
others claim that's a whopper
but they all agree topper
was a friend hoppy'd never discount.
"
"named diablo, the cisco kid's paint
was less devil and more of a saint.
with just oats during breaks,
he endured all the takes
in hot temps that could make a horse faint.
"
"porky pig saw the hive, shook the tree.
""i'm g-gonna get honey for me.""
from the hive the swarm tumbled.
poor porky just bumbled,
""a b-bee!  a b-bee!  a b-bee!""
"
"i find shopping for food is an actual
test of my brain to be factual.
""paper or plastic?""
can make me bombastic
and pompously shout, ""i'm bi-sacksual!""
"
"my wife says i'm constantly tweaking,
fixing windows or pipes that are leaking.
but why all the hassle?
a man's home is his castle?
that is, in a manor of speaking.
"
"there's a question that must be addressed
for those souls once demonic, now blessed.
are the exorcists paid
for their casting-out aid
so their subjects are not repossessed?
"
"dallas, texas: the site on the day
that lee harvey dispatched jfk.
did he act all alone?
was he merely a drone?
a conspiracy, some people say.
"
"charientism: barb veiled in grace,
delivered with smiles, face-to-face?
an insult quite clever
by which you endeavor
to reprove with a verbal embrace.
"
"he's a b-boy who'll freeze, rock and shake.
in the 'hood he can make sidewalks quake.
he can spin on his head
with his legs all aspread?
can he dance?  oh please, give me a break!
"
"birla bhavan's exactly the spot
where the saintly mohandas was shot.
the last words that he cried
were ""h? ram"" as he died.
his assassins were killed for their plot.
"
"tourney leaders check every detail
to ensure lances never impale.
before matches are made
armor must be displayed.
they'll cry, ""welcome, good knight, you've got mail!""
"
"i suspected some evil at play
when dad's total estate went to fay.
last-minute extensions
that changed his intentions?
dead giveaways fay made him pay.
"
"tom's exam covered logical tools.
all the answers defined simple rules.
""your responses were wrong
and you took far too long,""
said tom testily. ""you are all fools!""
"
"to blitzen, young rudolph's advice
was to ""stop kissing up, it's not nice?
you'll be seen as a poser
and twice the brown-noser
if we have to stop short on the ice.""
"
"thomas cleaver's horse sampson stood tall?
by all records the tallest of all.
still under age two,
how his testicles grew!
tom bawled, ""soon he won't fit in his stall!""
"
"when at  cana the host's wine ran out,
jesus saved the event, there's no doubt.
the new vintage was fine,
although one guest did whine,
""it's so gauche to serve red with this trout.""
"
"tony cermak was mayor of chi,
and was never intended to die.
but he stood not too far
from new prez fdr,
and zangara just shot the wrong guy.
"
"forever my friend you're the best,
but you've put my avowal to test.
i wasn't delighted
when first you invited
another.  am i second guest?
"
"""you old perv, you've been eyein' that tyke,
as she rides in the park.  take a hike!""
""you're wrongi it's no child
that's been driving me wild.
i'm a pedal-phile, lovin' her trike!""
"
"the oedilf needs a guard with big jaws
to dismiss work with serious flaws.
this in-the-front editor
should not be a predator
who rejects righteous lims without cause.
"
"some veggies go down smooth as silk,
while others are not of that ilk.
many tricycle-riding
young tots will try hiding
green broccoli sunk in their milk.
"
"a new study has caused us to learn
a neutrino had more speed to burn.
it went faster than light.
now that doesn't seem right.
show me facts. ?if they're wrong, i'll dis cern.
"
"the philistine sobbed and then moaned,
""our fierce giant has now been dethroned.
though he loomed high on grass,
david sure rocked his ass.""
""are you saying goliath was stoned?""
"
"ss andrea doria sank
when the stockholm rammed into its flank.
the event was well studied,
but facts remain muddied.
root cause of the crash?  still a blank.
"
"achille lauro  was stopped while at sea,
when some plf pirates said ""we
want our brothers in jail
to be freed without fail,
then we'll set all these passengers free.""
"
"dick van patten: a dad who took guff
from his children who'd get into stuff
that he'd often repair
with a comical flair.
as to kids, he said eight is enough.
"
"my ambition? most friends wouldn't guess
the pursuit i must now disprofess.
a ladies' romancer,
a chippendale dancer,
needs a body that i don't possess.
"
"quite adventurously, tom made this plea:
""let's write copy for print and tv.
we'll create clever ads
to promote future fads.
what a lark such a business will be!""
"
"who's the boss?  was it danza or light?
was it tony or judith?  who's right?
micelli spends hours
reforming the bowers
until they're no longer up-tight.
"
"we knew someone was boosting our mail.
if we catch the thief he'll go to jail.
now we've got better locks,
one on each letter?box,
and we hope this new system won't fail.
"
"""he is one of them!"" came the loud shout.
""christ's disciple, of that there's no doubt.""
""i know not what you speak.""
his voice frightened and weak,
simon's courage had just petered out.
"
"father abraham: lanky or stocky?
was he laid back and cool, or real cocky?
of one fact we're sure?
he was born in old ur?
so this patriarch was an iraqi.
"
"ss admiral?a steamboat with style,
sailed the broad mississip, not the nile.
it's a shame this old boat,
once the grandest afloat,
went from palace to scrap on a pile.
"
"bonhomme richard: a frigate that won
a great battle, though its time was done.
at flamborough head,
john paul jones bravely said,
""to fight, sir, i've not yet begun.""
"
"denmark strait brought an end to the hood.
winston churchill made plans understood.
""sink the bismarck!"" he cried.
royal navy complied;
soon that battleship sank?gone for good.
"
"""why does junior keep watching debates
to assess how each candidate rates?""
""your concerns are absurd!
the comments you heard
were about how he ranks candied dates.""
"
"catalonia, a region of spain,
banned all bullfighting, to the disdain
of the fans who adore
all that carnage and gore?
but el toro has yet to complain.
"
"""cfls cast a light that is stark!""
is a charge some consumers now bark.
but when bulbs incandescent
no longer are present
will critics be left in the dark?
"
"my wide waist is a thing i deplore.
finding trousers to fit's a big chore.
nurture: ate jelly beans?
nature: big belly genes?
i'm not sure i can stomach much more.
"
"""i'm not sure whether i can stay strong,""
yogi sobbed as he spoke to the throng.
""i feel so bereft
now that boo boo has left.""
he said, ""bearably, i'll get along.""
"
"pope benedict caused a sensation
by declaring the canonization
of the first aussie saint
(which removed prior taint)
for her efforts to ease deprivation.
"
"a great comeback yields grist for the bards.
this one smashed texas hopes into shards.
down three games to two,
st. louis came through?
sad defeat was just not in the cards.
"
"watch reactions of most dads and moms
when confronted with baskets or palms.
when they're faced with a tithe,
women give while men writhe.
gals respond to each new call to alms.
"
"laundry straight from tom's dryer would bring
static charge that would grip him and sting.
he added a soft'ner
and now cries out oft'ner,
""i'm ecstatic: there's now no more cling!""
"
"chris christie has finally said, ""no,
to the next race for prez i won't go!""
some opine pound for pound
he's the best guy around.
would his worth match his girth? ?we won't know.
"
"wise king solomon's name's held aloft
though the height of his rep has been scoffed,
when discussing the lives
of his hundreds of wives,
claiming most must have had it quite soft.
"
"hail the day when i'm wrinkled and gray,
when society's rules fall away!
want my bus seat? ain't budgin'!
i'm a surly curmudgeon?
cantankerousness is okay!
"
"the charge that the boche didn't see
launched the battle ch?teau-thierry.
did the stealthy attack
led by pershing (""black jack"")
catch the huns by surprise?  yes! ja! oui!
"
"""life in town soon may come to a halt.
fifteen minutes to pack, oy gevalt!""
lot to kids: ""what a chore.
is mom home from the store?""
""she was here but went back to get salt.""
"
"""make me envoy to france!"" was his chant.
but guiteau was told, ""sorry, we can't.
an ambassador must
be a man we can trust.""
so he shot garfield down in a rant.
"
"boston fans turn away, try to duck,
claim their team had a run of bad luck,
blew a lead of nine games
as they went down in flames.
yankee fans sum it up: ""red sox suck!""
"
"in wisconsin the guv was effective
when he stripped union folks of collective
bargaining rights,
which caused many fights,
filling madison air with invective.
"
"rawalpindi: a place where blood spilled
leaving pakistan's dreams unfulfilled.
there, assassins would thwart
her designs, cut them short?
when benazir bhutto was killed.
"
"many limericks are written to be
simple pictures in verse; but you see,
many words in the frame
are so frequently lame
that they render the work content-free.
"
"thank you moses!  on you we rely
for that manna that falls from the sky.
we hate to just kvetch,
we know cured meat's a stretch?
but how 'bout some corned beef on rye?
"
"""little hannah montana has flown
and ms. cyrus's cover is blown.
what's next for our miley?""
critic tom pondered slyly,
""will they now pair her up with stallone?""
"
"called to horeb, elijah knew fear.
in what form would the lord god appear?
he felt earth, wind and fire.
his alarm grew much higher.
""turn your ipod off, prophet?i'm here.""
"
"azarenka's as tough as they get
at the baseline or close to the net.
""maria, it's ova!""
she told sharapova.
six-zip was the score?final set.
"
"ea: a river, fast water or stream.
a strange old english word it would seem.
just two letters in length,
yet it gathers much strength,
when it carries a trout or a bream.
"
"at pearl harbor you'll find a great site
that still honors the lives lost by sleight.
arizona was gone,
but our navy fought on,
and japan felt the wrath of our might.
"
"in the autumn when leaves start to fall,
playoff baseball begins to enthrall.
but if fans making noise
isn't one of your joys,
visit fenway? there's no sound at all.
"
"adam chastised his wife for her slight.
""evie, eating that apple's not right!""
""don't scold me, my dear,
that cute snake made it clear
we'd gain wisdom, so here, have a bite!""
"
"two swift hill-climbers race to the crest?
of an alp that provides quite a test.
there's a last minute burst;
who is last? who is first?
in the tie of the eiger, none's best.
"
"past one hundred, this man of the soil?
laughs at death which he's managed to foil.
dna for old felix
is no double helix.
in its place is an odd liver coil.
"
"what he said he then tried to contort.
his strange views crammed each network report.
the party's now shaken
and running from akin.
their advice is quite clear: ""todd, abort!""
"
"when he asked for a session at three,
she said, ""bud, take your hand off my knee.
to ensure future play
there's a charge you must pay.
it's a kind of commitment fee. see?""
"
"did you know that a wombat drops scat
that's six-sided? now how cool is that?
it won't roll off the rocks.
aussies better wear socks,
because this cube-shaped spoor might just splat.
"
"the broad danube's a marvelous sight
as it flows west to east with great might.
there are capitals, four,
that its waters explore.
can you name them? high marks if you're right.
"
"ever heard of the actor shane baker?
he's a yiddish star plus a myth breaker,
'cause this guy is a goy
and an ex-altar boy.
crowds all love him although he's a faker.
"
"liner costa concordia sank
when the ship ran aground on a bank.
several passengers died
as it lay on its side,
and the captain's performance was rank.
"
"i'm an epicure, foodie, gourmet.
for a feast there's no price i won't pay.
so bring on escargot
and the finest merlot.
wait, hold on!  snails with red?  there's no way.
"
"his great aim held the barflies in awe,
as each stream hit the pot without flaw.
he achieved local fame
with his ambeer; by name
it's the spittle that comes from a chaw.
"
"""like that pure, na?ve beast i was born,""
the castrato lamented, forlorn.
""while i play any brass,
i must sing, as, alas,
there's no place for a good eunuch horn.""
"
"well, perhaps i was too quick to fret,
so i send this response with regret.
there is growth as of late
on my shiny new pate.
now i look like a large chia pet.
"
"ed?ads should be tactful and good,
with a message that's clear, understood.
perhaps borrow a line?
that for milk has worked fine:
just a simple request like ""got wood?""
"
"he was fifi when first he appeared
but the publisher thought the name weird.
too girly and funky
since he's a boy monkey?
now he's curious george and endeared.
"
"will old murdoch buy out bskyb
now that news of the world's been hacked free?
though to bet against rupert
is usually ""stupert,""
some powerful brits disagree.
"
"in new cuba, fidel would hold sway
with great help from a leftist named che.
this agent insertable,
a castro convertible,
scared despot batista away.
"
"eic?  he's the project's ""big sarge.""
into workshops he often will barge
and enforce every law
as he points out each flaw.
you might say he's the emperor-in-charge.
"
"as your twin i deserve my fair share.
but you're selfish, completely unfair.
tom's words, fashioned crudely,
attacked his sib rudely:
""heaven knows that you're my cross to bear.""
"
"on vacation in mad, gay paree,
i had seen all the sights there to see.
i grew listless and bored?
at the louvre i snored.
to the french it was simply ennui.
"
"sandusky abused ten young men,
not just once but again and again.
many knew the molester
but allowed crimes to fester.
they should go from penn state to state pen.
"
"newt is driving poor romney insane.
says, through jobs that were lost, he caused  pain.
some claim mitt got enjoyment
from cutting employment.
will mitt's corporate boon be his bane?
"
"the three stooges return. way to go!
they'll get audience juices to flow.
this trio's conductance
overcomes laugh reluctance.
what a unit?lar, curly and ""m(h)o""!
"
"the poor donkey had started to sway.
pregnant virgin?  was magic at play?
joseph's patience was flagging
as his wife began nagging.
mary rode joseph's ass all the way.
"
"there were thirty-one films by the ""king""
but just one where the boy didn't sing.
in a western, young elvis,
shook his gun, not his pelvis.
it was charro! that name has a ring.
"
"billy budd was adored by the crew
who thought charges against him untrue.
he lashed out at the braggart
and with one blow killed claggart.
from the yardarm budd hung in full view.
"
"sly mitt romney was trying to beat
the opponent he'd marked for defeat.
""i love big bird!"" cried mitt,
but when faced with a split,
he picked wall over sesame street.
"
"herman cain said, ""i'm doin' just fine
and i'll be on the gop line.""
did voters determine
that pizza-man herman
was the man or cry out ""nein, nein, nein!""?
"
"""these old maps are completely outdated.
look, virginia is grossly inflated!
the folks in the west
thought the union was best.
they split off!  they split off!"", tom restated.
"
"the first commoner on a brit stamp?
bet you thought it was chaplin, the tramp.
but the answer's the bard:
now that wasn't so hard.
after all william shakespeare's the champ.
"
"lord macbeth's wife near drove him insane.
""you're a dimwit, you back-order thane.
find duncan and spurn 'im,
then stab 'im or burn 'im.
would you rather be called ""dunce inane""?
"
"michelle bachmann just couldn't survive
those debates where they ate her alive.
she was either ignored
or her views were deplored.
turn 'er over. she folded.  no drive.
"
"mitt's flipping, rick's dipping, jon's boring,
paul's creeping, newt's weeping, cain's whoring.
will michelle keep decorum
if trumped by santorum?
which pol will the state be adoring?
"
"steve colbert must be really insane!
he is running a crazy campaign.
will this comic relief
bring the gop grief?
who's to know, but he's sure raising cain.
"
"anxious florida folks gave their voice
to what seemed like a voter's poor  choice.
vote for newt: sour puss?
or rich mitt: uptight wuss?
who'd be better or yet, who'd be woise?
"
"when mitt learned texas rick went away,
did he clap or just shout out ""hooray!""?
did he toast with champagne?
sparkling wine is profane.
he said, ""i'll have a cold perry. yay!""
"
"texas governor rick was a force
'til his backers had buyer's remorse.
when he failed to improve
and get back in the groove,
his ex-fans chose a perry-less course.
"
"will the gop frontrunner suit
those conservatives giving a hoot?
that large right-wing crew
has new spice in its stew.
what replaced ""tail"" of cain?  ""i"" of newt.
"
"paul simon's song won lots of praise
for suggesting paths out of love's maze.
it's an aid to crass men
who seek freedom again
to return to their lecherous ways.
"
"while her hairdo has grown quite immense
she is quick to proclaim its defense:
""i'm an acersecomic
and quite economic
in terms of my cutting expense.""
"
"need a mattress for bedtime?  it's easy.
buy a sealy (stock symbol is zz)
or a simmons or serta.
but try to avert a
bad night's sleep?water beds make you queasy.
"
"an old scroll suggests jesus was wed.
scholars argue about what it said.
sacred mysteries inside
or a list from his bride:
five fishes and two loaves of bread?
"
"speaker gingrich's fists are both balled.
he now claims elite media mauled
certain facts of his life
that involve an ex-wife.
like renault he is ""shocked"" and appalled.
"
"rudolf abel's intent was to steal
our intelligence, which he'd reveal
to the reds. though he'd blabbed,
by the feds he was nabbed.
he was swapped in a cold war spy deal.
"
"is the 4th of july european?
are those fireworks that we're all seein'
and those sparklers we're spottin'
signs that something is rotten
in denmark or folks jamboreein'?
"
"robertson, huxtable, clavin
(cheers?postman and trivia maven),
a white hill of dover,
an escarp to fall over,
notes for hamlet, macbeth and the raven.
"
"through the years it has seemed very cruel
to claim blondes have the brains of a mule.
with her signature twang,
buxom dolly once sang,
""this dumb blonde (she) ain't nobody's fool.""
"
"can one be both the best and the worst,
widely cheered and then mockingly cursed?
first the rahs then the boos
were received by tom cruise?
how quickly are fortunes reversed.
"
"mike and bob can both serve with sharp spins
and have piled up a great many wins.
but the pair had their troubles
in one year's aussie doubles.
a twelfth slam not to be, bryan twins.
"
"ancient athens no longer in greece?
was that in today's news release?
it read ""capital lost,
pm ouster is forced.""
no, it's debt that the greeks can't increase.
"
"""redundant!"" cried franklin about
six alphabet letters.  he'd shout,
""c, w, j,
x, y,  q?go away!
all are extra so let's take them out.""
"
"""it's blood libel!"" claimed sarah, whose views
were attacked by lib media news.
said her crosshairs were meant
for a different intent?
now she's ""misunderstood"" by most jews.
"
"billy blanco has died.  what a loss!
all brazil makes the sign of the cross.
but his legacy stays
with those cool swings and sways?
bossa nova fans know he's the boss.
"
"an old lech, at his gym, spies a femme.
she's a curvy young thing, a real gem.
he would love to possess her.
what machine would impress her?
said his pal, ""try the new atm.""
"
"""curb your dog!  guide your pooch to the street.
keep our sidewalks all tidy and neat.
all pets should be guttered,""
inspector tom muttered,
""scoop poop when their dumps are complete.""
"
"though a court order's meant to restrain
an assailant who wants to cause pain,
far too often this writ
isn't worth half a spit.
sadly, victims are frequently slain.
"
"george dzundza's an actor whose face
is one that is easy to place.
on the screen (big or small)
he's remembered by all,
but his name is a tough one to trace.
"
"bvds can cause many a hitch.
flyless fronts can present a real glitch.
now when tom has to pee,
he can't get willie free:
""so, in brief, to commando i'll switch.""
"
"voter's ad: ""needing candidate who
seeks high office with wide-open view.""
(maybe one of the pauls?
a free spirit with balls?
no, not ron and not rand.  maybe ru.)
"
"wise old solomon knew what to do.
""i'll divide this young baby in two!""
one woman cried, ""no, king!""
the other, no joking:
""if she gets the half that makes poo.""
"
"they called him a real bull of bashan,
the loudmouth most loud in the nation.
his stentorian shout
would freak everyone out;
they all begged, ""send your voice on vacation!""
"
"green bay packers pursued teddy k.
for his skills they were willing to pay.
but he never was signed;
he politely declined,
for a contact sport rougher to play.
"
"the castrati all voiced their frustrations
to opera house human relations:
""no more free lunch now, why?
hr's sober reply,
""we had to cut back on cast rations.""
"
"proper etiquette, right versus wrong,
needs a guide when instructing a throng.
for william and kate,
they issued a slate
of strict rules twenty-two pages long.
"
"the church bulletin sounded so dire:
""next week's sermon's on brimstone and fire.
our pastor will tell
all of us 'what is hell?'
please come early and hear our new choir.""
"
"what's the name of the first navy sub?
was it sleek or a hand-paddled tub?
crocodilian by name
but achieving no fame,
'cause it sank ere it fought?there's the rub.
"
"color barrier broken. which club
was the last one all white? think ""the hub.""
when the home of the bean
signed a black who was greene,
it thus ended the sport's racial snub.
"
"the dragon's wing was a sensation,
and granted this strange designation
by ancients who gazed
at night skies, quite amazed.
ursa minor's that old constellation.
"
"liberal state, black's bruise mate, bayou hue,
foe of gray, rare filet, staunchly true,
language raw, alice gown
sunday law, feeling down,
cheese with veins, angel planes?got a clue?
"
"""and away we go!"" gleason would cry
as he moved 'round the stage looking spry.
with his music for traveling
he had us unraveling,
splitting sides 'til we thought we would die.
"
"it seems wrong to employ dot-and-dash
to disguise your profane language trash.
to engage the morse code
in a very coarse mode
sends a signal of reckless panache.
"
"the oedilf has a place i deplore:
the bd. it's a real bottom drawer?
a place for short rest
or a hopeless hope chest?
just beware, dante's ninth is next door.
"
"hitting under .200's the sign
you're below that mendoza-named line.
test your eyes, change your stance
to at least have a chance
to improve your ba: please don't whine.
"
"do you dig all that internet jive?
without shorthand how could we survive?
if you're really quite proud
to be lol,
well then text me a cyber ^5.
"
"were those yucatan ancients all lyin'
when they forecast the year we'd be dyin'?
""apocalypse now""
caused a calendar row.
i'm glad i used mine and not mayan.
"
"d in dates equals five hundred years.
du: where blue devils get cheers.
dum  is hummed in a ditty.
duma: russian committee.
dumas wrote the three musketeers.
"
"who's the first us woman to play
a lead role guiding troops in a fray?
an historic occasion,
panam?'s swift invasion,
starred a captain whose name's linda bray.
"
"deadly sin, bishop's kin, compass head,
dizzy dean, passerine, vivid red,
richelieu, paramount,
wolsey too, number count,
stanford?bloke, hooded cloak?common thread?
"
"chang and eng, each a siamese twin,
were named for positions by kin.
chang means left; eng means right,
so their folks at first sight
could pick which twin to chuck 'neath the chin.
"
"castle bravo, in code, was the name
of the first h-bomb test that became
a program that led
to a world full of dread.
will its impact be judged fame or shame?
"
"if a painting were fake would you know?
maybe not, if it's signed by corot.
other folks forged his name
and exploited his fame
selling copies to make lots of dough.
"
"annabelle battistella gave chills
to old arkansas dem wilbur mills.
once this argentine stripper
got a grip on his zipper,
he no longer could pass any bills.
"
"moneyed nelson was smooth, never sappy,
and, as new york state's guv, far from crappy.
although he met god
while atop megan's bod,
the adulterer's wife was still happy.
"
"""they could swap injun joe for joe brave.
then just think of the ink they could save,
huck finn and me figgered,""
tom sawyer then sniggered,
""if they change all the 'n-words' to 'slave'.""
"
"the old  cannery closed in late jan.
at the gate stands a cold, hungry man
with his placard held high
as he shouts to the sky:
""yes we can! ?yes we can! ?yes we can!""
"
"when bill cosby played daddy to five,
we all wondered if kids would survive
dr. huxtable's ploys
to advise girls and boys,
using wisecracks to help them all thrive.
"
"old fred sanford was dad and the boss.
son lamont, meanwhile, worked like a hoss.
""big dummy!""  ""old fool!""
their exchanges were cruel
as they bartered the junk folks would toss.
"
"it's so sad that we must close the book
on a hero fans called ""captain hook"".
baseball's ""sparky"" has passed
but the wins he amassed
proved he gave so much more than he took.
"
"al-buraq was mohammed's winged steed
and enabled the prophet, with speed,
to fly to the gate
and there meet his fate
to embrace the great faith he would lead.
"
"dale's horse buttermilk?buckskin, not white?
was a figure of constant delight.
perfect match for roy's trigger,
who was golden and bigger,
happy trails for the pair were in sight.
"
"babieca, white horse of el cid,
served him bravely in death as it did
in his life as a steed
who was fearless. indeed,
when the moors saw its nostrils, they hid.
"
"how much fat does a human retain
in that organ that's known as the brain?
is it gray or white matter
that's thinner or fatter?
weigh in if you'd care to explain.
"
"lance armstrong admits he did wrong
taking drugs to earn cheers from the throng.
perhaps it is better
to strike one key letter
from his charity's motto: l i ?v ?e s t r o n g.
"
"mariah hates nikki? no matter.
the loathing draws slurs from the latter.
are the barbs from minaj
a deliberate barrage
or just prattle and mere ""idol"" chatter?
"
"while the holt is the otter's main lair,
he oft uses another as spare.
it's his den or his couch.
there the otter can slouch
when his in-laws get into his hair.
"
"think that charity auctions are fun?
abu dhabi's will not be outdone.
some guy footed the bill
(bid and gave $14 mil)
for a license plate numbered as ""1""!
"
"nicole kidman, lee marvin, jos?
ferrer all won their oscars this way.
they each struck a pose
with a fraudulent nose,
but their acting blew critics away.
"
"who'll be king of the gop prom?
new explosions might shatter the calm.
newt's extra relations?
paul's past publications?
could there yet be one more newt-ron bomb?
"
"said the churlish groom, quick to disparage
wedding limos, ""i'd use horse and carriage.
but your barn has a sign
that's the same one as mine
and my folks will disdain same-hex marriage.""
"
"all the audience shouted ""right on!""
when shrewd newt tried his media con.
some feel he berated
poor williams. not sated,
he teed off; scored a clean hole in juan.
"
"wise jon huntsman has now called it quits.
his new hampshire results were the pits.
but his backing of mitt,
an endorsement quite fit,
must be giving newt gingrich new fits.
"
"it was rabbit creek. when? days of yore.
but was changed to bonanza.  what for?
'cuz those panners of old
found bright nuggets of gold.
they were not up that creek without ore.
"
"when ""a view to a kill"" hit the top
of the singles charts labelled as pop,
'twas the only bond theme
to have reached that extreme.
it was clearly the cream of the crop.
"
"tom, my dentist, looked up from my chart.
""your third molars won't help you get smart.""
his tone was quite tactful,
his message impactful:
""your wisdom teeth need to depart.""
"
"our debt ceiling needs a big raise,
but our reps seem to suffer malaise.
cut spending, then borrow!
hike taxes tomorrow!
if they never agree, guess who pays?
"
"sister mean, my religious advisor,
is so tough that i truly despise her.
drills and grills me so long;
smacks my butt when i'm wrong.
lord i pray, send a new catechizer.
"
"the adventure, a sleek privateer,
was a vessel all others would fear.
at two-hundred plus tons,
armed with thirty-four guns?
this great ship met her end without peer.
"
"berlusconi, premier with much loot?
bunga bunga soir?es were a hoot?
was as cool as they get,
left his country in debt,
so italia  gave this heel the boot.
"
"new wave rock band, a bomber, a drink?
what's the common name forming the link?
if you said that you knew
it was b-52,
then you're hip, and your memory's in sync.
"
"both young heiresses cry, ""it's unfair
that there's only one title to share.""
the tension still mounts?
neither one will renounce.
a male sibling would sure clear the heir.
"
"now me and my big brother tommy,
received a stern letter from mommy.
she delivered a scolding:
""heard your business was folding!""
""but mom, our firm makes origami.""
"
"say a marriage of stars can't be healed
and the split of celebs is revealed.
in the case of ms. klum,
does the public assume
it's her fault that the wedlock's un-seal-ed?
"
"who directed prime episode one
of columbo, a show that was fun
and rose high in the charts
thanks to peter falk's smarts?
steven spielberg. what else has he done?
"
"polly polished her skills every night,
but her viewers she failed to delight.
for her act to endure,
polly wants a claqueur
to begin the applause at first sight.
"
"english bulldogs make very good pets
though their hips may need trips to the vets.
one, a formal tux wearer,
brought a ring (served as bearer).
that's as strange and as weird as it gets.
"
"douglas englebart patented what?
it sure sounds like a thing we want. not!
we've a vermin-free house,
so we don't need a mouse.
ah, a gadget that points to a spot.
"
"he is crude and tattooed, he's a rocker.
boy is rude, has a 'tude, likes joe cocker.
rang a state trooper's bell,
now he rots in a cell,
crappy mood, lousy food, dumb cop-socker.
"
"the emcee they selected to host
tv's annual friars club roast
gave the guests a surprise
when he dressed in disguise.
as roast guider he gave the first toast.
"
"here's a story i bet you've not heard
(well of course, it ain't true, not a word):
a fan flung a fat chick
at those stars keith and mick.
almost killed those two stones with one bird.
"
"the first airline that flew jets for folks?
(this is not one of those silly jokes.)
let's end the suspense:
it was aeroflot, gents.
this is true. please don't think it a hoax.
"
"you see crocs in the water: a float.
that's the name for their group, please take note.
but on land they're a bask
and your primary task
if you spot one: stay very remote.
"
"while asleep, samuel heard the lord's plea.
he woke eli: ?""what wish you of me?""
""you've been summoned, of course,
but you've got the wrong source.
listen up, or get caller id.""
"
"just how many states end with an ""a""?
the first letter is last when you say
each state's name that you list
to ensure none is missed.
if you find that you're right, then hooray!
"
"david's mom said to jesse, ""now jay,
i'm not sure that your gift was ok.
giving sonny that sling
is a dangerous thing.
he might put someone's eye out one day.""
"
"some say endor, a canaanite town,
housed a witch of great skill and renown.
she called samuel's ghost
who told saul he was ""toast,""
and the philistines soon took him down.
"
"""what the 2nd amendment addresses
is a mystery to me,"" he confesses.
""does it favor gun sport
or just simply support
rights of women to wear sleeveless dresses?""
"
"fewer lines could still make a fine limerick.
trim it down and then call it a slimmerick.
this one has only four.
no, there ain't any more.
"
"bill of rights, ten amendments or more?
that's a question we need to explore.
when we take time to delve
we will find there were twelve ?
the first two hit the cutting room floor.
"
"a decursion? not there by that fire.
they're just sober folks filed 'round a pyre.
not a group bearing arms
that would set off alarms.
merely mourners, some kin, some for hire.
"
"you say burma changed names, well ha ha.
just you wait 'til i tell my ol' pa.
will we now have to crave
a new myanmar shave?
think we'll stick with the old, me 'n' ma.
"
"conrad bain played a great foster dad,
who shared all the love that he had.
todd and gary found joys
playing fun-loving boys,
but in real life their lots were quite sad.
"
"hibernation in winter for snakes
is a way to avoid chilling shakes.
because a snake brumates
there's no need for roommates.
it has space to itself when it wakes.
"
"there's one more on the page, can i duck it?
the last task on my list labeled ""bucket"".
it's to prove man can fly.
if i fail i will die.
hey, know what? i'm gonna say fu-geddaboutit.
"
"forget ensign and edwards and vitter?
scandal airings both shameful and bitter.
not one was obscener
than anthony's wiener,
briefly broadcast to girls all a-twitter.
"
"what were airbrushed from three us stamps
that were issued to honor real champs
of tv, blues and art?
they were there at the start
but were victims of anti-smoke camps.
"
"they're protesting in cairo once more.
egypt's capital hears the crowd's roar.
arab spring soon ran dry
when they picked the wrong guy,
but the army showed morsi the door.
"
"outside town there's a place that they call
edge city, where buildings are tall.?
it begins in the burbs
without sidewalks or curbs,
and has traffic that's jammed mall to mall.
"
"ancient elamite, tongue of the persians,
came in three quite distinct cryptic versions.
the last of the signs
of this language aligns
with the great alexander's incursions.
"
"crowds holler with fervent hoorays.
each banner boasts pride as it sways.
paraders cheer braggingly
while tom stands unflaggingly
opposed to such blatant displays.
"
"in the backyard i'm flying my kite,
and i can't make the damn thing take flight.
""what you need,"" comes wife's wail,
""is a good piece of tail.""
from out back i rush in, ""well, all right!""
"
"there's an army of digital ants
that can wander the networks perchance
to find trojans and worms
and unauthorized germs,
then get into those viruses' pants.
"
"barry bonds crushes balls with his swing.
his power made giants fans sing.
but if barry took 'roids,
he potentially voids
any claim to be called ""home run king"".
"
"cia boss was tainted by sin?
had our intel been leaked from within?
did david petraeus
deceive and dismay us,
bring new meaning when claiming ""all in""?
"
"jim anderson: head of his nest.
his three kids put poor jim to the test.
betty, bud, kathy too
would each week learn it's true
by show's end that their father knows best.
"
"when two passenger trains had collided,
the conductors appeared undecided.
""don't see what their fuss is?
just stuff 'em on busses.""
all the riders felt dissed and derided.
"
"what's this thing that they call dirty float?
grungy mardi gras truck? filthy boat?
a soda jerk's frappe
that's loaded with crap?
it's a government rate change (take note).
"
"ecuadorian money's the same
as a much larger nation's. the name?
please give a loud holler:
the united states dollar!
up in quito the buck has gained fame.
"
"arnold, guv with the muscular bod,
as a husband turned out quite a clod.
he gave aid to a maid,
but the maid was an aide.
did he comfort his staff with his rod?
"
"""won't you please be my bride, darling dear??
take this ring, my intentions are clear.""?
tom engagingly pled?
that the two should be wed.?
both his heart and his head were sincere.?
"
"append endo- to designate ""inner.""
an endomorph's larger, not thinner.
their diets do matter?
as they're prone to be fatter.
each should eat like a saint, not a sinner.
"
"there was joe, gene and vic and young ed.
they sang ""rag mop"" and knocked the crowd dead.
few remember each name,
but the group achieved fame
as the ames brothers: that's enough said.
"
"time to erogate, month-end is here.
rent is due, dollars few, oh my dear!
how will i now fend
with no bucks to expend?
debtor's prison? i hope they serve beer.
"
"what's equuleus mean? little horse
constellation. what tongue, greek or norse?
what else could confuse
with consecutive ""u""s?
yes, the name's from the latin, of course.
"
"what's the drink that james bond used to toast?
in films in the scenes we saw most,
martinis were favored,
but in novels he savored
many potables. hint: there's a host.
"
"what happened in year number one
when the jews claim the world was begun?
enter adam and eve,
that couple naive,
two young kids who said ""let's have some fun!""
"
"will their party regain its lost soul
or just rand-omly fall in a hole?
or will it instead
move far right under ted
and proceed under strict cruz control?
"
"would the beagle have won lasting fame
if unlinked from charles darwin's great name?
an issue arose
'bout the shape of his nose.
it was one that fitzroy overcame.
"
"can brazil nuts produce a bright glow?
oh, come on guys, please say it ain't so.
though their flavor's attractive,
they're radioactive,
more than all other foods that we know.
"
"the first western-made film on tv
in this country not known to be free
was bend it like beckham.
did that football flick wreck 'em?
let's hope some got a kick! wait and see.
"
"in a musical spoof of the king,
the producers tweaked one little thing:
conrad ""birdie,"" not ""twitty,""
was considered more witty.
those two rivals could both really sing.
"
"reggie jackson, game six, hit not one
but three homers before he was done.
they were all in a row,
consecutive, so
he's alone, only reggie, bar none.
"
"just one arab land stood quite alone
in not banning a film whose gross tone
was offensive to most
but acclaimed coast to coast.
it was borat and bad to the bone.
"
"who at gettysburg seemed out of place
in black velvet, gilt-trimmed in gold lace?
was custer's flamboyance
a cause for annoyance?
would future loss lead to disgrace?
"
"inscribe circle in delta, near done.
that's the  fano plane you have begun.
now connect center points
to their angular joints?
seven lines, with three points on each one.
"
"at the ballgame she stared at the guy
who was munching while sitting close by.
when he asked why she spied
""peanuts envy!"" she cried.
""it's those shells that i covet."" 
"
"a gold nugget held open a door?
surely this can't be true; tell me more.
at a farm in n.c.
such a thing came to be:
yellow rock used as doorstop, true lore.
"
"there's an element packing a smell
that your senses will try to repel,
giving noses a wrench:
from the greek word for stench,
it is bromine?it's pungent as hell.
"
"a young drifter who hailed from topanga
wooed a lass and soon drew her dad's anger:
""you're itinerant, man!
so just what is your plan?""
""sir, i'm going to tampa, then bangor.""
"
"those strange numbers and letters distorted
with all vowels and digits contorted
are used to help spot
whether human or bot
tried to enter the data reported.
"
"the fourth note in a scale diatonic
is called fa; what a clever mnemonic!
it leads sol, follows mi,
so it's easy to see
how the use of this scheme becomes chronic.
"
"three greek goddesses signal man's end,
spinning threads that determine each bend
in his life, whom he mates,
what he does. they're the fates.
they determine life's length and its trend.
"
"what is up with the 4th of july?
why a date on which presidents die?
thomas, james and poor john
reached that date and were gone.
independently, all said good-bye.
"
"sly newt gingrich renewed his attack:
""you own fannie mae, freddie mac!""
mitt was quick to refute:
""check your own assets, newt!""
shamefaced gingrich was taken aback.
"
"want to speak to a friend on a trip
when the trip's taking place on a ship?
for a seaboard hello,
dial 870?
shore-to-ship will connect in a zip.
"
"democraty sounds like a word
little tweety would sputter, poor bird.
why contort tongue and spine
for a noun to define
plain democracy? tot'wee absurd!
"
"when you're writing a tune you can hum
but the words for a line just won't come,
you might sing de de de
and, while in the right key,
something's missing, you think. ain't that dum?
"
"close encounters? there's more than one kind
in an ardent ufologist's mind.
in the third there's ets;
in the fourth kind, they seize
a poor human they won't leave behind.
"
"betty treat,?jagger's sweet, pecan pie,
nazi shirts, hershey squirts, boy pi,
author dan,?cleveland's jim,?
darker tan, heisman's tim,?
to saut?, st. john bay?color tie?
"
"he would travel for many a mile
to view girls wearing only a smile.
his reward for his trip
was to see women strip.
he's a rabid ecdysiophile.
"
"what was ex-lax before it became
the great laxative known by that name?
the answer is bo-bo.
ask a swell or a hobo?
they'll both claim that relief's still the same.
"
"bad-guy hat, omen cat, driveway tops,
dense space hole, chunk of coal, bloody ops,
stendhal's priest,?dodger joe,
sewell's beast, glossy crow,
sabbath's band, mafia's hand?van for cops?
"
"some think rudolph's a dame, not a guy.
here's zoologists' scoop as to why:
in december males shed
all their antlers. instead,
females wait 'till the winter's gone by.
"
"where did parrots once demonstrate power
by their hearing, which helped them to scour
france's skies for the sound
of boche planes paris-bound?
you'd be right if you said ""eiffel tower.""
"
"i'm on boardwalk and ready to throw
but old vlad, my opponent's, so slow.
it's such a short dash
to collect needed cash,
but i'm sitting, awaiting go dough.
"
"he's the one who holds colors up high
with a pride that is hard to deny:
color sergeant, six-four,
a true star of the corps,
a marine, never ex-, semper fi!
"
"to revive a campaign that was dyin',
mitt selected as veep young paul ryan,
whose plan is to shut
down medicare, but
what he's sellin' most voters ain't buyin'.
"
"william dreyer watched stocks just implode
and folks helpless to pay what they owed.
then he had a bright dream
of a brand new ice cream
that would make people smile: rocky road.
"
"dc comics has entered the fray
with a hero who's super and gay.
""i'll fight all crime daily,""
green lantern said gaily.
""i'm out of the closet?hooray!""
"
"when great tennis star margaret court
won her first aussie title, the sport
chose to give her a brolly.
though she might have cried ""golly!"",
will it rain on my reign? was her thought.
"
"cyber squatting's a crime where one gains
by preempting legit name domains.
it's a cruel corporate sport
where some seek to extort
and resell what the squatter obtains.
"
"was a cocktail dress made out of waste
a designer's pick chosen in haste?
when he dared to amass skin
from salmon (alaskan),
was he spawning a new fashion taste?
"
"our enlistment was pending our passing?
a test behind others amassing?
in line, all undressed,?
as some fingers are pressed?
while you cough and just pray no one's gassing.?
"
"e.t.  only second? how queer.
time magazine made it quite clear
that it changed its routine
and acclaimed a machine
in place of its man of the year.
"
"us currency's widely renowned,
but just how many bills make a pound?
though the paper is thin,
whether sawbuck or fin,
every bill weighs a gram. now, that's sound.
"
"ebay, best buy and amazon? pissed!
online service these e-tailers missed.
many surfers now turn
to a place where they learn
much from angie's smart word-of-mouth list.
"
"yes, the second first lady we know
was named abigail adams. quite so,
but what other old potus
had a mate as his flotus
with that same given name? have a go!
"
"what a wonderful story to tell.
thank you, verdi, for casting a spell.
drag a girl from the south
near the nile's hungry mouth?
that's aida,?a true memphis belle.
"
"a strong fan, or fanatic, one deems
an adherent who goes to extremes
to pledge his support
for an idol or sport
with banners, team jerseys and screams.
"
"the prez counseled, ""hey folks, please play nice,""
but republicans shunned his advice.
they attacked in debate
his proposed sec of state.
the result: a subdued, bitter rice.
"
"some asbestos debris was collected
when the walls in your home were inspected.
prolonged inhalation
in high concentration
can cause illness; folks must be protected.
"
"why did schroeder play ludwig a lot
when charles schulz favored brahms for the spot?
although brahms tunes were sunnier,
beethoven's ""funnier"",
so he chose what was comically hot.
"
"where do louis and marvin abide
in adjacent graves (laid side by side)?
just where can you see
plots for big joe and lee?
from dc it is just a short ride.
"
"a datagram's merely a packet
of data that moves without racket.
to take away doubt,
it has content and route?
your message won't fly if you lack it.
"
"which pop toon was the first to appear
on a us stamp? (smile when you hear.)
if you're guessing bugs bunny,
you're right on the money,
with his grin that is stretched ear to ear.
"
"the last primary voters had spoken
with mitt romney then exiting smokin'.
this mild-mannered mormon
in debates came out stormin'.
had his pact with the right wing been broken?
"
"on-line chat, swing a bat, spay a cat,
learn to tat, join a frat, weave a mat,
find a flat, buy a hat,
catch a rat, shed some fat?
holy crap! there are apps for all that.
"
"chester arthur decided to change
the old white house, you know, rearrange.
but he needed some cash
so he did something rash?
auctioned off lincoln's pants. ain't that strange?
"
"his opponents had reason to fear
the great ball skills he used without peer.
no brit's passing was stronger
but he'll bend it no longer?
david beckham retired this year.
"
"it weighs 24 grams, kind of light.
but this golf ball, the cayman's, just right.
it doesn't  have dimples,
instead there are pimples.
jack's design made it slower in flight.
"
"there's a fish that can search food below
and above keep a watch out for foe.
it's called four-eyed for short
'cause its name can distort
most attempts to pronounce it with flow.
"
"it's du, better known just as duke,
whose basketball coach is no kook,
but a serious guy
who can get fives to fly,
so that winning is never a fluke.
"
"carlos danger: his new nom de porn.
more disgrace?from a pol now ""reborn.""
is there anyone meaner
than anthony weiner?
future: huma-less, older, forlorn.
"
"dilithium crystals provided
the force by which starships all glided
much faster than light.
trekkies swear that that's right
though their claim is quite often derided.
"
"what's an epimyth? not a greek hall
nor a drug to escape a cold's thrall,
not a column in rome
nor a lyrical poem?
it's the moral in fables. that's all.
"
"folks use amazon ordering phones,
dvds, books and toys, even scones.
what else can you get
from this firm on the net?
how 'bout pizza delivered by drones?
"
"can a board game reach hollywood too?
i can think of just one, maybe two.
what's the first that became
a fun flick? know the name?
well, perhaps i should give you a clue.
"
"undeterred by the facts, she'll maintain
that our prez should  disclaim  his new reign.
""just resign!"" cries  ""big bertha"",
as she seeks to unearth a
conspiracy hard to explain.
"
"low-crowned bowlers were worn to protect
english gamewardens paid to inspect
their employers' estates.
they protected their pates
from low branches they'd failed to deflect.
"
"at 4gs color vision may fade
that's just normal so don't be afraid.
it is called graying out
and it may come about
if a trip, supersonic, is made.
"
"what's the full name of old cap'n crunch,
cartoon mascot that folks love a bunch?
it's horatio magellan;
you hear the kids yellin',
let's have some, both breakfast and lunch.
"
"when white castle showed off it's great power
with a slogan that made business flower,
a competitor, mad,
used a copycat ad.
it's that burger chain known as white tower.
"
"jim davis, cartoonist: his name
quickly gained a new measure of fame
when he switched from gnorm gnat
to that lazy old cat
who hates diets and mondays the same.
"
"what's an eightling? a dance at a prom?
creepy spider? small squid? eight-line psalm?
a tug of war side?
an amusement park ride?
or just one of eight kids from that mom.
"
"canonero ii: champion unique.
won the derby and then won the preak-
ness but not belmont stakes.
came in fourth, them's the breaks.
a sore foot slowed this steed at his peak.
"
"adolf hitler was certainly vain
when he christened his long armored train.
he called it amerika
(world war ii esoterica).
us entry caused that name to wane.
"
"in a system of grading that's scaled
using letters, all a's will be hailed.
b's are good, c's are fair
d's leave no room to spare,
while an f simply means one has failed.
"
"beetle bailey avoids any work.
there is never a job he can't shirk.
sergeant snorkel goes nuts
and he hates bailey's guts,
but the strip makes one think?who's the jerk?
"
"just what happens to turkeys once planned
as feasts for thanksgiving? the hand
of commander-in-chief 
grants two white house relief?
then they're both sent to disney world/land.
"
"when his roomate's mom offered a ride
down love's highway with her as his guide,
his libido had faltered.
his mind's road sign altered.
it changed to ""just 1 milf to go.""
"
"what's the name of the tanker that banked
on a reef where it grounded and tanked?
the ship, if you please,
was the exxon valdez.
'mongst the worst us spills ever ranked.
"
"as he traveled through azerbaijan he
encountered some fierce dagestani.
he needed to pee.
""use our caspian sea
but first you must show us some mahney.""
"
"c: can round out a full octave set.
ce: builds a big bridge or a jet.
cel: clear sheet for a toon.
cell: barred room for a goon.
cello: anchors a chamber quartet.
"
"b: the plan when plan a goes down hard.
bi: a guy loves his girl and his pard.
bin: a box or a crate.
bing: this crooner was great.
bingo: fill in a line on a card.
"
"c: a note in a musical set.
ch: swiss domain on the 'net.
chi: it comes after phi.
chin: pull jaw up bar-high.
china: country that holds us debt.
"
"a: a vitamin great for your sight.
al: metal as strong as it's light.
ala: state deep in dixie.
alar: winged like a pixie.
alarm: it's a feeling of fright.
"
"excoct means ""drive off or boil out
by adding great heat,"" there's no doubt.
'tain't a sword from the hobbit,
nor that guy, john wayne bobbitt,
who awoke from his dreams with a shout.
"
"name the game: sixty-one bonus squares
on the board, where each player compares
clever lexical skill,
choosing letters to fill
in the scrabble for words from his wares.
"
"""bosworth field is where i will defend
my great realm,"" richard cried, ""i'll not bend!""
but soon he was forced
to concede, when unhorsed,
""i've a hunch that my reign's at an end.""
"
"prison inmates dine strictly at eight.
it's considered poor form to be late.
it's based?on the predicate?
of proper con etiquette,
fine trait of this great nutmeg state.
"
"could he imitate thousands of faces?
he portrayed many parts, many races.
when the actor lon chaney
played people insane, he
would put every role through its paces.
"
"crane &amp; company, biz based in mass.,
supplies paper that folks get to pass
to a friend or a vendor
as approved legal tender.
it is used to buy food, clothes and gas.
"
"minnesota and waller: a pair
of large guys with a name they both share.
navarro and domino
have that same nom?we know
each sported waistline to spare.
"
"exhibition games give me a thrill.
i can't wait to see who's on the hill.
who will pitch for the mets,
phenom rookies or vets?
when the season starts, who'll fill the bill?
"
"that great sci-fi creator was clear.
the one phrase science most loves to hear,
'cause it's right on the money,
is the statement ""that's funny,""
since it heralds discovery: it's near.
"
"jimmy cagney did not say the line
so oft-quoted. it's mimed as a sign
of physical roughness
and gangster-role toughness?
but close, and it suits him just fine.
"
"poor young tom failed the prison guard test.
he's dejected and really depressed.
""coulda been a contender,
but went on a bender.
i'm in jail, not a guard but a guest.""
"
"continental-type seating has no
center aisle. where's a person to go?
on each side there's an aisle
where the patrons can file
and proceed to their pre-assigned row.
"
"oh boy, here is a name that's quite odd:
it's mahmoud ahmadinejad. god,
it is hard to unpack it!
try ""i'm a dinner jacket,""
a mnemonic that gives some a prod.
"
"herman melville professed his connection
to an author who urged his reflection
on his seafaring days,
giving hawthorne much praise.
dedication: a sign of affection.
"
"joey chestnut ate sixty-nine franks
to place him in nathan's top ranks.
every fourth of july
hot dog eaters all vie
to stuff wieners inside of their tanks.
"
"what great novel gives readers a turn
with a message that's hard to discern?
while the temperature rises,
it signals surprises.
op'ning: ""it was a pleasure to burn.""
"
"""our state fish here in idaho, joe?
with an ominous name? don't you know?
you're about to find out:
it's the prized cutthroat trout.
neath its jaw there's a red slash or bow.""
"
"buried deep in the clerical canon
are instructions to don a striped fanon.
each pope must obey
to appear dressed that way.
it's an outfit he won't get a tan in.
"
"how will newt wheel and deal with the pinch
from an ex who will not give an inch?
since she couldn't be copin'
with a marriage that's open,
she may yet play the role of ging-grinch.
"
"baseball manager joe's in a bind
he's in trouble, opponents don't mind.
although a-rod and staff
are no comfort, don't laugh,
as a penance no pennants he'll find.
"
"when birds dust they're not cleaning their nests.
they are bathing by rolling their breasts
in dry earth on the ground,
then flick wings all around,
getting rid of old skin and most pests.
"
"the bihari procedure is owed
due respect for the pubes cut and sewed.
but performing extrusion
to create an illusion
must violate some penile code.
"
"a french mastiff or dogue de bordeaux
was a star in a fun picture show.
his screen name was hooch,
that lovable pooch,
who just drooled with pal turner in tow.
"
"uther pendragon: kind of a smarty,
who enjoyed others' wives (liked to party).
during one of these stints
he begat a new prince
who was formally known as young artie.
"
"mission hills is a playground unique
with twelve courses for golf. magnifique!
though you won't find a laddie
to serve as your caddy,
gals hand you the clubs that you seek.
"
"who would trade his great books for some fruit?
who the heck was this crazy galoot?
it was author dumas.
crafty deal or faux pas?
was he nuts or just sweetly astute?
"
"just how long does a fingernail take
to grow back if, let's say, one should break?
(the factors include
season, age, sex and food.)
many months so you might hold a wake.
"
"harold connolly, man in fine fettle,
won olympic gold proving his mettle
with a great hammer throw.
did the audience know
that ballet slippers helped his feet settle?
"
"when american bandstand debuted
what's the first song the disc jockey queued?
lots of noise kids were makin'
'cause a whole lot of shakin'
was goin' on thanks to this dude.
"
"b: a grade that is good but not great.
br: iodine's close table-mate.
bro: a pal who's legit.
brow: the forehead you knit.
brown: an ivy league school that's first rate.
"
"f:? the troop from an old tv show?
fe: the artist who sings ""let it go.""
fet: excise tax.
feta: cheese great for snacks.
fetal: shape where back's curved and head's low.
"
"b: see boron on chemical chart.
bo: obamas' dog, cute and real smart.
boa: snake or neck frill.
boar: big pig that can kill.
board: embark on a ship to depart.
"
"f: the stock market symbol for ford.
fa: football's main governing board.
fat: it's something to chew.
fate: an outcome for you.
fates: three goddesses choose man's reward.
"
"f: a grade that can take a big toll.
fa: a note found between mi and sol.
fan: adherent insane.
fano: order 2 plane.
fanon: cover an alb is its goal.
"
"e: between d and f fills a niche.
en: a measure in typesetting pitch.
end: choice morsel for dinner.
endo: prefix for inner.
endor: biblical village with witch.
"
"e: a vitamin great for the skin.
ea: a stream where great rivers begin.
ear: an organ to hear.
earl: a name for a peer.
early: time before others get in.
"
"which land acquisition was passed
with one vote by the total amassed
in the senate, enskewered
by this ""folly"" by seward?
as a state it came in next to last.
"
"why does big bird seem able to see
with no eyeholes? that costume that he
wears contains special gear
that lets bird's muppeteer
see a third person's view on tv.
"
"when jane austen took time to decide
in the bennet home who would abide,
five daughters she chose,
with no sons to impose,
not from prejudice but from her pride.
"
"terms for things, oftentimes, really hinge
on to whom they appear. now we'd twinge
if bangs (forehead locks),
caused viewers some shocks
and were labeled as ""lunatic fringe.""
"
"was he shepherd, astronomer, king,?
or a hunter, moon lover, keats' ""thing""??
was endymion real,?
just a myth told with zeal,?
or a hero whose praises we sing?
"
"chef's jackets are made double-breasted,
a clever design that's been tested
to cover up stains
from cooking remains,
by keeping the dirtied side nested.
"
"what three films won best picture awards
and were movies, without guns or swords,
that each featured a sport?
plus i'm glad to report
that the public attended in hordes.
"
"when clint eastwood's the star of a show,
you can bet that he'll give blow for blow.
what's the name of the flick
where he plays a slick trick
and he's killed by a gang? do you know?
"
"the us's first subway was neat.
ran on trolley cars under the street
of this new england town
that has gained great renown
for a massacre, beans and tea. sweet!
"
"think a scholar just sits on his ass
taking entrance tests hoping to pass?
there is stiff competition
for free rides on tuition
for an angler who's great catching bass.
"
"fet is an indirect levy.
it's a tax sometimes light, sometimes heavy?
not on land or per head
but on products instead,
like your smokes or your booze or your chevy.
"
"a strong building within and without,
it's a citadel, blockhouse, redoubt.
it's a place of a sort
that is known as a fort:
that's the structure i'm talking about.
"
"nicknamed ""biscuit pants""? yes, though of course,
not a sobriquet he might endorse.
but for any real fan
he was first a great man.
that's lou gehrig, a true ""iron horse.""
"
"david beckham's hair featured a style
that was hip for a pretty long while.
it was known as the fauxhawk
and began with a mohawk
but its sides were unshaven. what guile!
"
"his jailers thought tom was retarded
and with slurs he was often bombarded,
'til he slipped from his cell.
though recaptured, he'll tell
fellow cons, ""now, i'm highly regarded.""
"
"watching sesame street, every kid
knows the name of the monster who'd bid
to eat cookies all day.
(it turns out, by the way,
that this blue muppet's real name is sid.)
"
"she's a singer who's from the uk
(no, not amy, adele, jesse j);
she sports a black hat
and she's sultry, not fat.
""let it go"" was a big hit for fe.
"
"human thumbs have?an ip but no dip.
that's the joint that is nearest the tip.
when you're bumming a ride,
stick your thumb out with pride.
other fingers might lose you a trip.
"
"which president pawned his watch (gold)
for christmas gifts given his fold?
to hail the lord's birth,
it was certainly worth
trading time for the presents he doled.
"
"is it true a new study expunges
the theory that man rose from sponges?
now comb jellies claim
that singular fame.
past erased? who's the source of us grunges?
"
"c: a vitamin fighting the flu.
ca: state with a golden gate view.
cam: can drive a machine.
came: arrived on the scene.
camel: mammal with one hump or two.
"
"c: a grade that some gentlemen get.
cr: symbol that oft follows debt.
cro: balkan nation.
crow: to brag with elation.
crown: a headpiece above coronet.
"
"d: a grade that can indicate slips.
do both starts and ends musical trips.
don: put clothes on one's frame.
dona: portuguese dame.
donat starred in goodbye, mr. chips.
"
"a: the train that duke e. said to take.
as: poison?don't use, for god's sake.
ash: what's left after fire.
ashe: a pro to admire.
ashen: color when much is at stake.
"
"c: the letter that team captains rate.
ca: us's third largest state.
cap: a hat to put on.
capo: mafia don.
capon: rooster who met a clipped fate.
"
"c  is charlie in radiospeak.
cr: balance that savers should seek.
cru: a wine grade or class.
crud is loathsome and crass.
crude: the manners displayed by a geek.
"
"d: a cup size that holds a large pair.
de: newcastle mail is sent there.
dem: obama is one.
demo: give a test run.
demon: thing that can throw you a scare.
"
"c: one hundred when placed before note.
ca: state with a deficit bloat.
can: to axe or pack tight.
cana: miracle site.
canal: trench where you may need a boat.
"
"b vitamins make you grow right.
ba: where you'll tango all night.
ban: prohibit or bar.
bana:  munich's top star.
banal: quite pedestrian, trite.
"
"a: it leads off the alphabet string.
an: one article facing a thing.
ant: a pest to abhor.
anti: means you're not for.
antic: frolic, or caper, or fling.
"
"the mohel had a favorite song?
that was played when he bent to clip dong.
was it avalon's ""venus""
he hummed to the penis,
or the beatles tune ""it won't be long?""
"
"who's bucephalus?  warhorse first-rate
to the young alexander the great.
in battles he'd serve
his brave master with verve,
'til hydaspes, and there meet his fate.
"
"dancer's image, a colt, finished first
but his derby win soon was reversed.
seems this beautiful brute
had a snootful of bute,
a substance once banned. bubble burst.
"
"feta cheese: white-brined curd, sourced from greece,
crumbly, aged, used in foods, served by piece.
it is made from sheep's milk
and it's grained, not like silk.
try it now, feel your pleasure increase.
"
"there's an apple whose color is blue
but it's not one you'd easily chew.
a vibrant blue casing
had mac lovers racing
to buy one in bondi bay hue.
"
"what's the nation that entered the race
to send man into orbit in space
in divine vessel 5
and returned him alive?
it was china and earned them third place.
"
"""i'm no bully,"" claimed governor christie,
his countenance sad, his eyes misty.
but something's amiss
in this caper, dear chris;
the path to the truth seems quite twisty.
"
"her girlfriends all envied chic wendy,
whose outfits were always so trendy.
the latest in fashion
was clearly her passion:
accessories featuring fendi.
"
"when at?clontarf brave brian boru
beat his foes though his numbers were few,
he was slain in his tent
by retreaters then bent
on revenge for the vikings he slew.
"
"us census predictions now gauge
that quite soon we will reach a new stage.
so, nursing homes, hark!
that old century mark
will be passed by more folks as they age.
"
"actors baker and daniels appeared
in six star wars films, dressed kind of weird.
though they weren't the stars,
they received great har-hars.
in our minds their performance is seared.
"
"deposing the king was inspired
by tom, who proclaimed folks had tired
of tyrannical rule
by an arrogant fool.
tom achieved the removal desired.
"
"double albatross? too hard to say.
triple eagle? it's cute but no way.
when you're four under par
on one hole, you're a star.
that's a condor ? a very rare play.
"
"is a cryptogam some kind of code
or a grave where a body is stowed,
or a plant that's among us?
it's a fern, moss or fungus,
reproducing by spores that explode.
"
"wyatt earp served as technical aide
while some new silent oaters were made.
there was william s. hart,
and tom mix, for a start;
they were both coached by earp ere they played.
"
"for the edge of the pizza, i lust!
don't discard it: regard it, you must!
cornicione's the word,
though it seldom is heard,
because most of us call it the crust.
"
"there were six in the fold of bob cratchit,
one of dickens' great groups: hard to match it.
remember the name
of that son who was lame?
he's that small crippled boy. did you catch it?
"
"what did coconut water provide
to medics that fought on each side
of the second world war
when meds weren't in store?
it saved troops who'd have otherwise died.
"
"book to film change: some colors were swapped,
and miss gale's silver slippers were dropped.
not vibrant, instead,
they were dyed ruby red.
'gainst that yellow brick road they sure popped.
"
"it was ""blue"" just before it was ""moon,""
this enchanting, award-winning tune.
but another had claim
to that colorful name,
so the ""river"" front changed very soon.
"
"pre-board lines are so hard to endure:
full of wheelchairs, folks ailing for sure.
check them out when they land?
half are able to stand.
so try flying, the new wonder cure.
"
"cindy caused men's libido to gorge
when she posed on the cover of george
with a general's stare.
crawford's midriff was bare,
midst her cleavage a valley did forge.
"
"when his gal called him, sick, quickly he,
leo, sent rick right over to see.
when rick found the gal ill,
leo conjured a pill.
with a spell, she'll be sunny, earth-free.
"
"heard of bitcoins? they're digital cash.
you can pay peer-to-peer, in a flash,
with no regs and no rules.
is this wampum for fools?
what happens if mining pools crash?
"
"they've no backbones, no fins and no gills;
invertebrates plain, with no frills.
they're not 'fish'. let us bar
cuttle-, jelly- and star-
from this term: it confusion instills.
"
"baldwin couldn't hear sermons ? a shame.
this strict mormon gained subsequent fame.
he devised an invention
that allowed close attention
to god's words. over headphones they came.
"
"tom's niece julie just got her degree.
this jd needs a job to be free
of parental support.
tom: ""the ball's in her court;
she can, gradually, earn a fat fee.""
"
"tom was thrilled with his friend's erogation
of free tickets to cruise isles croatian.
didn't know he was going
on a boat he'd be rowing?
that bestowal meant low transportation.
"
"any anagram features the same
set of letters to form a new frame.
like the gods' mother rhea,
whose last daughter would be a
young hera. now that's a cool name.
"
"fifth of may found sy's spouse very miffed.
she had pressed for a holiday gift.
then a mink-oh from sy-oh
on cinco de mayo
brought wifey a fur bidden lift.
"
"jerry seinfeld's apartment was not
in new york on that real west side spot.
a large place in la,
its outside on display,
's where they filmed each exterior shot.
"
"walk across raging falls with no  net?
just how wild can one aerialist get?
charles blondin, crazy gaul
(never once did he fall),
did it seventeen times. what a set!
"
"the first internet search engine's name
wasn't based on a comic strip's fame.
it was labelled as archie,
short for archives (too starchy?
or that's what the unix guys claim).
"
"the first little league player elected
to be prez? this is what i've detected:
for the cubs he once caught?
tools of ignorance sought?
it was dubya. you might have suspected.
"
"air force one has a code name not known
by most folks except those that have flown
with the president's staff.
try to stifle your laugh?
secret service says ""angel"" by phone.
"
"nineteenth-century baseball, i've read,
used old terms; now we've new ones instead.
there were tags of all kinds:
catchers once were behinds,
fans were cranks, batters strikers, out dead.
"
"brothers baldwin are actors you'll see
if you watch lots of films and tv.
 stephen, daniel, and billy
are not often silly
but smart alec's a goof as jack d.
"
"f: forms gas with a strong pungent smell.
fo: italian who won a nobel.
for: to whom we intend.
fort: a place to defend.
forte: skill that one handles quite well.
"
"""do not cross!"" was the message to those
pows caught in war's throes?
a frightening headline
that warned of the deadline
surrounding the camps that arose.
"
"there's a league where some criminals dwell.
they have made it their own private hell.
they are wife and child beaters,
drug users and cheaters.
what's the name of this place? nfl.
"
"when celebrities give kids a name
are they seeking more fame and acclaim?
ocean, apple and rumer
may be greeted with humor,
but dweezil is sure to bring shame.
"
"serpent's ploy, broadway boy, steve job's mac,
dad's delight, fire blight, midday snack,
gotham's name, larynx bump,
johnny's fame, newton's lump
kafka's hurl, gwyneth's girl, toady's knack.
"
"f is foxtrot (get messages right).
fl: foot-lambert, measure for light.
fla: sunshine state.
flak: derision or hate.
flake: a wafer of snowfall in flight.
"
"curtain's fallen?it's time to reflect
on a sure hall-of-famer elect.
you've been clutch as our captain;
your exploits are mapped in
the hearts of your fans with re2pect.
"
"i can play the kazoo night or day
with a blindfold while holding a tray.
it's a skill that i hone
as a sine qua non
for my signature move, my forte.
"
"how much salt in a teaspoon's a dash?
kitchen mavens know this in a flash.
twice a pinch?that's a clue
and four smidgens would do.
overdoing can cause tastes to clash.
"
"m. adolphus arnot meant to hide
his identity from all those who pried.
was this clever ex-veep
a real hero or creep?
he was surely a burr in tom's side.
"
"triple-threat from the land of the po:
actor, author, a man on the go.
it's not super mario;
his moniker's dario?
a nobelist whose last name is fo.
"
"who's the youngest to host snl
with a smile and those eyes that compel?
can you guess? we won't tarry more:
the answer's  miss barrymore,
and she drew us right under her spell.
"
"tom addressed his concerns to the hall
full of delegates: ""hear, one and all?
we can no longer ass kiss
those fools in damascus.
get serious, tyrants must fall.""
"
"should the world spoil the child, spare the rod
for a creep who has shown disregard
for the people he rules
while he takes us for fools?
let's act now and throw russia assad.
"
"nba's shortest player all-time?
five feet three, he could stop on a dime.
muggsy bogues is his name
and he gained b-ball fame,
with his stealing and passing sublime.
"
"every five dollar bill is a fin,
or a fiver or abe, in the spin
of neighborhood jargon.
take two in a bargain
for a sawbuck (a ten); that's its kin.
"
"e: means ""energy"" in an equation.
ev: car that gets charged at a station.
eve: first woman from god.
even: number, not odd.
event: gala or large celebration.
"
"f: the size of a very large bust.
fi: bank, credit union, or trust.
fin: a sawbuck in half.
fine: a charge for a gaffe.
finer: pebbles, then sand and then dust.
"
"a conservative, staunch jakob ammann,
was expelled by swiss clerical lawmen.
his sharp split from their sect
caused his group to defect.
in the us the amish are common.
"
"global warming is based on historical
sets of facts, which elicit rhetorical
ripostes by defiers
and science deniers:
""your measures are just al-le-gore-ical!""
"
"b: a list of some guests, lesser cats.
ba: average of hits per at bats.
ban: to outlaw or block.
band: a group, clique or flock.
bandy: swap clever words, tits for tats.
"
"beijing time's the standard in china,
which has only one time zone. that's finer
than the previous five,
so they say. they can thrive
with just one. no watch needs an aligner.
"
"what director of films that don't miss,
like titanic and, yes, the abyss,
dove a manned submarine
to a place only seen
by two others, one yank and one swiss?
"
"out in ferguson things were not right.
there was violence most every night.
the phrase ""hands up! don't shoot""
had become the salute
of some citizens both black and white.
"
"two cute teachers who taught kids from farms
(sleeveless dresses enhanced all their charms)
were told their attire
sets young boys on fire?
""you do not have the right to bare arms!""
"
"four-leaf clovers are so hard to find.
just keep this statistic in mind:
odds against being done
are 10,000 to 1.
five-leaf clovers? a still rarer kind!
"
"'69, '86, each an ""a""?
those amazin' mets sure came to play.
there were ""b""s, ""c""s and ""d""s
neath this ballpark's stark frieze.
forty-seven distinct grades of shea.
"
"what us state capital's name
ends in letters exactly the same
as its postal abbrev.?
and would you believe
for this fluke there's a duke that's to blame?
"
"there's a measure that spawned some hilarity
when employed to show purchasing parity
among nations: the price
of big macs. this device,
burgernomics, was one that brought clarity.
"
"beating two triple crowners brought fame
to this stallion, unique in that claim.
it was in the same race
that this steed made his chase
and then won by a nose. know his name?
"
"the first state giving honor to chris?
(this is one that most people will miss.)
columbus day parties
were held by some hearties
in the rockies, where pot is now bliss.
"
"with his chances for privacy slim,
chairman cook has come out. good for him!
buy an iphone a day,
keep this ceo gay.
steve is gone but we now have smart tim.
"
"f: a grade that no scholar should seek.
fe: symbol for iron (chem-speak).
fen: a swamp or a bog.
fend: fight off a mad dog.
fendi: maker of bags that are chic.
"
"here's some trivia most haven't heard:
played world series and masters. absurd?
just one man in all hist'ry
fulfilled this sports myst'ry.
rara avis, indeed: sammy byrd.
"
"""james, you have to lose weight!"" he was told.
""you must exercise, diet, grab hold.""
in a bid to get slim,
he signed up with gold's gym.
now they, too, get a piece of jim's gold.
"
"50 cent won't perform fully nude.
he'll shed tees if'n caught in the mood.
he don't give a crap
if you ain't into rap.
half-buck naked, this boy's got some 'tude.
"
"shakespeare's plays were adapted by verdi.
if you know which three operas, you're nerdy.
here's some hints for your brain:
think fat knight, moor and thane.
whether spoken or sung, they're quite wordy.
"
"david cameron, pm of uk,
had two problems, both headed his way.
the first was the crisis
presented by isis,
then the scots. would they vote yea or nae?
"
"kathryn bigelow passed filmdom's test,
to be first woman hailed as the best
director of flicks.
she dealt out some licks
to her ex, who was tied with the rest.
"
"when bruce jenner could no longer sate
his desires, he knew that his fate
was to change to a fox.
(see the new we tease box.)
to this hottie, boys cry ""kiss me, cait!""
"
"time to hail an impressive invention.
let's begin: it's too key to not mention?
the scientist's name
who brought corningware fame,
though glass dishes were not his intention.
"
"author brown's work produced late surprise.
it paid handsomely post her demise.
goodnight moon's long success
bestowed margaret's largesse
on a nine-year-old boy. was that wise?
"
"quel fromage is so round, never square?
to the french, it's a wheel: camembert.
this semi-soft cheese
should win in a brie-ze,
on a pie chart that's drawn to compare.
"
"football contents now highly debated.
sports fanatics refuse to be sated.
brady's critics unfair?
did he let out the air?
under pressure,tom sags, he's deflated.
"
"could american pharoah, great horse
that an army of race fans endorse,
win the rare triple crown?
derby, preakness were down.
just the belmont remained. well, of course!
"
"shop at bob's. all the experts agree
that his goods are a sure guarantee
of best values galore
at this great discount store,
where the cost is at edlp.
"
"appomattox: last site of the war?
at the court house, the south said ""no more.""
with the outcome decided,
a nation, divided,
united again, as before.
"
"in this capital, doha, we mutter
each time we hear foreigners utter
our country's great name.
is its spelling to blame?
what's so hard to pronounce about qatar?
"
"byu men must ask for permission
to grow beards.  a distinct admonition
in the honor code there
disallows facial hair.
notes from docs will exempt prohibition.
"
"once my life was all anguish and pain.
it was hard for my mind to sustain
any semblance of hope,
but now medical dope
brings relief thanks to you, mary jane.
"
"is another cold war on the way?
it's a hazard-filled role we must play.
stone-faced vlad makes us weary;
his moods are so eerie.
will obama moves make putin bay?
"
"i am furious, churning inside.
my anger's so great it can't hide.
in case you have missed
my condition, i'm pissed!
in a phrase, i am fit to be tied.
"
"she's so angry, depressed deep inside,
with emotions she'll no longer hide.
she has given up hope?
at the end of her rope.
that's too bad 'cause she's  fit to be tied.
"
"how much time does the average collision
between bat and ball last? the decision
to pass or to swing
at a pitch with some zing
will depend on the batter's keen vision.
"
"""built-in tip"" is what autograt means.
it's a feature of six-plus meal scenes.
diners no longer need
to give food checks much heed,
so their tipping app stays in their jeans.
"
"this gelding did lots of neat tricks.
we saw finder in two horsey flicks:
the first, seabiscuit, won,
and then war horse. what fun!
other thoroughbreds shared in the mix.
"
"it eased changing a channel. take note:
the flash-matic, first tv remote,
just a point-and-shoot squeeze
put the viewer at ease?
it got many a sofa-slug's vote.
"
"us shuttle discovery went
on its missions: a full year was spent.
thirty-nine trips in all?
that great record won't fall.
nasa space ships are no longer sent.
"
"which states, having started as one,
became separate ere all was done?
the one that got lucky?
not virginia?kentucky,
both now commonwealths under the sun.
"
"farmersonly.com is a site
where down-to-earth country folk might
meet a mate who's a charmer,
a rancher or farmer.
no slickers or dudes?they ain't right!
"
"brown beauty brought liberty near
with a ride on a night less than clear.
we've forgotten this horse
but her rider, of course,
was a hero that yanks all revere.
"
"just before he was ready to duel,
one combatant, afraid, lost his cool.
someone beckoned his second
""he'll stand in,"" it was reckoned.
he demurred, ""do i look like a fool?""
"
"f:? a note in a musical set.
fi: finland's id on the net.
fir: an evergreen tree.
fire: flames one can see.
fired: axed from a job, sans regret.
"
"yes, a disco's a room full of noise ?
a place where each dancer enjoys
its music quite tirelessly.
but we've headphones, reached wirelessly ?
this disco's silent, my boys.
"
"f?'s the symbol for ford on the board.
it's an auto that most can afford.
yes, old henry was right:
keep the buyer in sight
when you build. value can't be ignored.
"
"sailors thought that safe passage at sea
was ensured by a gemstone?tee hee!
it was aquamarine
that they brought on the scene,
superstitious but anxiousness free.
"
"cinematically, tom was restricted,
since to prison films he was addicted.
when a riot ensues,
who to cheer?cons or screws?
""can't decide,"" tom admitted, conflicted.
"
"she appears as the only dissenter
in the holdout; the men must resent her
in the painting by rockwell.
she's an arms-folded block. well,
she votes nay and no guy can prevent her.
"
"stout lord cardigan led the wild thrust
to attack balaclava or bust.
but a great price was paid
by that brave light brigade,
with too many mowed down in the dust.
"
"william tell and his son, it's been told,
were great keglers whenever they rolled.
but no record was made;
for which team had they played?
it's unknown just for whom the tells bowled.
"
"tush, the ewe, was a frustrated dam.
push, her mate, eyed the large rack of lamb.
though tush longed for his love,
when no push came to shove,
tush suffered severe lack of ram.
"
"which ivy league school didn't gel
until after king george's rule fell?
seven others existed
ere this one was listed.
does this ""ithaca"" clue ring a bell?
"
"tom was awkward (not smooth) with a pen.
sent a telegram off to sweet jen.
""think i love you dear jen stop""
she replied ""yeah since when stop""
tom, remorsefully, sent one again.
"
"what's the year now in old ethiopia?
is it suffering time-lapse myopia?
it is eight years behind
the rest of mankind.
ethiopians: smarter or dopia?
"
"lindsay, marco and ted have it planned.
two ricks, bobby, jeb, ben and a rand,
will be joined by a carly.
now ain't that just gnarly?
grand old party, no longer just manned.
"
"ireland needs a bordello. let's kayo
any bawdy house where boys now play. oh,
but we'll need a great name
for this grand den of shame.
let's christen it sin co. de mayo.
"
"rick santorum: conservative who
wraps his faith in the red, white and blue.
all the abr crowd
sing his praises out loud.
evangelicals all love him too!
"
"michael faraday, scientist rare:
little schooling but talent to spare.
he provided instruction
on magnetic induction,
electrolysis, other such fare.
"
"""little egypt"" had rhythm sublime.
her belly dance bordered on crime.
each thrust of her crotch
could be synched with a watch
using navel observatory time.
"
"was ferrari a mule-driving man
before racecar designing began?
what was young enzo doin'
ere becoming a shoe-in
as idol of each racing fan?
"
"foreign national, footnote1, first name?
they're distinct, but they all share the same
abbreviation: fn.
you need context to ken
just which phrase has a right to its claim.
"
"c is charlie in itu mode.
ch: switzerland's net country code.
chi: in greek it's an x.
chic: smart dress, either sex.
chick: young fowl in henhouse abode.
"
"smokey angrily cried, ""no one cares!
feckless usage of lighters and flares
places woodlands in danger.
as the forest's top ranger,
i will fight for the right to arm bears!""
"
"executioner, please pardon me?
your big foot, sir, i just didn't see.
i extend my apology.
i know what must follow. gee,
i'll be headed where all souls are free.
"
"live in barrow, alaska on stilts?
homes imperiled when permafrost wilts.
heated houses might sink
into muck in a blink,
and you'll roll out of bed if it tilts.
"
"close the borders and keep out the muck.
respect boundaries, immigrants suck!
random rantings by trump
while he's out on the stump
launch hispanic response?donald, duck!
"
"two killers escaped, matt and sweat,
first eluding a vast police net.
in the end they were caught
their bold plans came to naught.
one's now dead, one has earned a new debt.
"
"alibaba (the stock, not the persian)
was a hit on its big board incursion.
investors did scramble
to purchase and gamble
on this e-commerce stock: chinese version.
"
"ahab, bligh, hudson, kidd, cook and crunch,
queeg and quint are all part of a bunch.
then there's nemo and drake,
and hook, that old snake,
captains all. name their ships? got a hunch?
"
"they don't speak, not a squeak; each took part
on tv, films we see, comic art.
harpo, pluto and teller,
snoopy, clarabell, keller,
bean, marceau: all are dumb, all are smart.
"
"the fashion designer max sokoff,
decided to knock loehmann's block off.
without any compunction,
he obtained an injunction,
effectively blocking their knock-off.
"
"devil's tower was named as the first
us national monument. cursed?
in a film that caused fright
it was used as the site
for an alien landing (rehearsed.)
"
"the first bar code was scanned from a pack
of sweet juicy fruit gum, a way's back.
it is now on display
in d.c. by the way,
it's protected so don't try to snack.
"
"single guinea pig? no, say the swiss.
that's a practice considered remiss.
having one cavy only
would make it feel lonely.
each rodent needs mates for its bliss.
"
"bungee jumping, a sport that's extreme,
got its start as some daredevil's dream.
on pentecost isle,
it's been done for a while
using towers and vines in the scheme.
"
"five exonerees: cleared of a crime
that allegedly happened one time
in a town, salem, mass.
witches' trials came to pass.
they were hanged for no reason or rhyme.
"
"he's a hall of fame player who hit
a walk-off grand slammer, to wit,
left the cubs in the dark?
it was inside the park.
he was known for his bat and his mitt.
"
"i stole cash but had no place to hide.
i grew haggard, felt guilty inside.
serving time was my fate;
now released, i've gone strait.
i ain't rich but i'll still sing with pride.
"
"joni ernst shared her hardscrabble life
with a tale of her shoes causing strife.
she'd had only one pair
which she'd covered with care.
in the senate, now, loafers are rife.
"
"an fi is a money-based place
to keep savings or use in the case
you are needing to borrow,
trade stock, or tomorrow
write checks for some debts that you face.
"
"joe dimaggio strove to enhance
both his rep and his wallet. perchance
he could stretch his great streak
one more game past its peak?
not to be, keltner ended his dance.
"
"as a wallpaper, sadly, it's lacking?
though a helluva product for packing.
do you know what invention
changed its use and intention?
from burst bubbles, a new use got backing.
"
"she's desperate and given up hope.
overwhelmed, she can no longer cope.
new issues arise,
each one a surprise.
she can't mend, at the end of her rope.
"
"the beam-riding missile's colliding
depends on computerised guiding.
tracking conical streams
of strong microwave beams,
it gives targets a really good hiding.
"
"a lady whose woes seemed to never end
sought help from her ardent young reverend.
she was careful, i hear,
to make something quite clear:
she sought input from only his clever end.
"
"after three had departed the ranks,
""bullet boob"" slyly paid up with thanks
to the starter and said,
""well, the fastest are dead,
so perhaps you should switch back to blanks.""
"
"an unfortunate nudist from leith
sadly sat on his furious teeth.
although, from a denture,
men don't deserve censure,
they bit off a bit underneath.
"
"dear mummy, dad told me i may
get an arm or two busted today
if i don't write this letter,
so maybe i'd better.
your arm-loving loving son, ray.
"
"this puss was abandoned, james knew,
and a stray takes a risk near a zoo,
so he whispered, ""here, kitty,""
and held out, from pity,
a hand ? but the tiger took two.
"
"those guys at the ymca
are so friendly and upright and gay!
no, that's not aggravation
of straights, just elation ?
i'm planning no slanging today!
"
"sister jane, on her visit to joppa,
kissed a king, for her vows couldn't stop her.
the arresting farouk
looked so grand in that souk...
but the rest of our story's improper.
"
"the young astronaut wasn't much seen
after nasa admitted he'd been
catapulted (poor corbett)
to low lunar orbit
while testing their moon trampoline.
"
"you will first need some practice: say ""gray as"".
okay, now you can meet ahimaaz,
a very brave priest
whom we can't in the least
an old cowardly custard portray as.
"
"whence the line that includes ""texas tea""?
what's its source? a great film or tv?
got a tune in your head,
named ""the ballad of jed...""?
from the crude oil that dude hit for free.
"
"football face masks prevent nasty gashes
that might surface from violent mashes.
what qb was first
to prepare for the worst
by adapting a guard for such crashes?
"
"""ahoy-hoy"" was the greeting suggested
by bell, who was strongly invested
in his classic invention.
it received poor attention,
and ""hello"" clearly won uncontested.
"
"need a doctor? just try one of these.
some are real, some are fake, all will please:
welby, dre (he's a doc?),
watson, no, seuss, and spock.
pick the one that best treats your disease.
"
"as for free-range i don't give a damn.
it just sounds like a marketing scam.
to keep piggies unpenned
is humane? in the end,
every hog knows that soon he'll be ham.
"
"visit baltimore?hell of a town!
ruth and poe: native sons of renown.
inner harbor? it's hot!
inner city? there's rot.
no more gray; black and blue breaking down.
"
"an old pennant that some flew for bragging
found support for display clearly lagging.
""take it down!"" don't debate.
""it's a symbol of hate.""
southern leaders' response was unflagging.
"
"fatty foods are so common in spain,
and in france they are not on the wane.
but some folks paid a tax
on some fat-laden snacks,
as you might have if you are a dane.
"
"where's my schooner of silver, you crook?
if you nabbed it i'll give you the hook.
you blankety-blankard?
you've taken my tankard!
clank-knapping's a crime in my book.
"
"two jimmy's, a johnny, a bart,
thad, andy and simon took part.
tommy, pete, matt and phil
also followed christ's will.
hey jude, you were bad from the start.
"
"yes, archididascalos screams
the phrase ""polysyllabic extremes.""
it refers to the head
of a school who, instead
of plain english, likes classical themes.
"
"azygous, when just adjectival,
means single through life from arrival.
as a noun, it's a vein
we should try to retain
if we value our long-term survival.
"
"australia waged war on apartheid
by fighting a doggedly smart fight.
aborigines, though,
while approving, sighed, ""oh,
get your own hypocritical heart right!""
"
"if we want to keep germs from our soap,
using actamer's one way to cope.
when i once told my mother
i'd thought of another,
she bridled, ""not wash!? not a hope!""
"
"said the doctor to uptight ms. titus,
""oh dear, you've acute laryngitis.""
she rasped, ""thanks! but you men
are such creeps, doctor, when
you regard us as objects to slight us!""
"
"androphobia's sadly a feeling
of hatred or fear, and needs healing,
for it targets just men,
who feel miserable when
fancied phobics are cute and appealing.
"
"the old latinate word adscititious
has failed to remain expeditious.
to the wise and traditional
it still means additional,
but to us it seems kind of factitious.
"
"i'm the first english consonant, b,
and denote a grade higher than c.
i'm (with e's shy assistance)
the verb of existence.
do not underestimate me!
"
"a nudist named prissy (no prude)
left her undies suggestively strewed.
now aroused quite a bit,
a young guy ? [ed. that's it!
we will not let this writer be rude!]
"
"when on wednesday, at buckingham palace,
antimonarchist writers from dallas
got kicked where it hurt
by our monarch's horse, bert,
she denied royal training or malice.
"
"on political so-called correctness,
i spit, for it spits on directness.
you may play craven games
and invent inane names,
but do not seek from me such abjectness.
"
"number six-sixty-six, says each priest,
is the number (dear lord!) of the beast!
but poor 666
has done zilch/nada/nix
worse than help roulette players get fleeced.
"
"aurea mediocritas ain't
just a phrase that is foreign or quaint.
it's the famed ""golden mean"",
or the state  that's between
rude abandon and prissy restraint.
"
"aalii (ah-lee-ee): a plant
with small blooms that are sticky. i can't
even say that they're pretty,
though once i felt witty
and sent some in jest to my aunt.
"
"you should use the full colon this way:
first write that you've something to say,
then the dots, miss a space,
and then make your brief case
till (as here) there's no more to convey.
"
"a nude diver had tried to impress
with fine dives (and fine torso, i guess),
but male judges enquired
when she came back attired,
""who on earth do you think made her dress?""
"
"exclamation marks have been explained,
but a useful fact's still to be gained:
you will not know that 4!
is factorial, nor
twenty-four if you haven't been trained.
"
"blameless souls whose each impulse is pure
need our filter turned on to be sure,
for if traces of vice
seldom strike them as nice,
i'm quite sure they're too pure to endure.
"
"the explorer-priest's humour was not
much aroused by the place card he got,
for he felt savage sinners,
when giving priests dinners,
should not make them sit in the pot.
"
"liking paul and george, ringo and john,
doesn't make you a betelnut, don!
if folks chew you and drool,
and it's red ? well, then, fool,
only then will you qualify, mon!
"
"as he stirred his sly bane ? tinkle, tinkle ?
he gloated, ""my darling i think'll
now sleep rather well.""
she lay splayed where she fell,
in a much deeper sleep than van winkle.
"
"balmoral is where i was born,
but don't curtsy too freely or fawn,
for our country estate
had no guards at the gate,
and the queen took no tea on our lawn.
"
"a sun-bleached explorer once crawled
for weeks through a desert, appalled ?
but less by slow frying
and imminent dying
than by signs he was going quite bald.
"
"he's a charming young man on the whole.
ambassador-at-large is his role.
he will touch diverse guys,
from loud turks to proud thais,
when he's not on a barge with a pole.
"
"an old skeleton showed his faint heart
in that class for young students of art.
as they sketched the late jones,
a belch rattled his bones,
for he hadn't the guts left to fart.
"
"an assiduous surgeon named gutting
worked hard on his slicing and cutting.
knowing patience would pay,
he would practise all day ?
though he sometimes lost patients while putting.
"
"don't ever appease those whose bomb
is designed to demolish your mom,
and your dad, and your wife,
and your kids, and your life ?
all of whom it will tear you right from.
"
"said a ball to the prince baudelaire,
""this game's fun, but a little unfair,
for whilst thou, prince, alone,
are just heir to the throne,
alas, i am just thrown to the air!""
"
"a nude skydiver sliced the chill air
as it tousled his long golden hair.
through that airy blue ocean
he sighed with emotion,
""oh, bollocks, my chute's still up there!""
"
"appendectomy patient, o'dare,
asked the nurse-aide to shave off his hair,
but she put up resistance
by keeping her distance ?
she knew what lay waiting down there.
"
"an accomplished high-climber faced thirst,
and his lungs, starved of air, nearly burst.
with one painful last drag,
he surmounted that crag ?
but nine girl guides had reached the top first.
"
"albert einstein one day, feeling bright,
had some arrowy thoughts about light,
but his speed had a cost,
for those thoughts were all lost
when he thought himself back to last night.
"
"the period's power's amazing!
it can bring to a grinding halt phrasing.
see! it's done it right there!
cut me off in mid-air!
it's a stroppy full stop that i'm praising!
"
"i've been taught how to, use the small comma,
by my smart but, ukrainian momma,
she sprinkles, each line,
with cute, commas like mine,
and says period means, monthly drama,
"
"the apostrophe's tiny, let's face it,
yet potent and bold ? so embrace it!
it will quickly subdue
any letter (or two)
that is cramping your style, and replace it.
"
"it caresses kids' smiles like a fairy,
or it pounds little hearts when life's scary.
it's a magical world,
or it's terror unfurled,
so put awe in kids' lives, but be wary.
"
"the bat's half a rat, with veined wings,
so it flaps and it craps and it clings.
but, ashamed of half-sparrow
ancestral bone marrow,
it won't let us hear when it sings.
"
"astonishment's now a new feeling
that crushes my pride till i'm reeling.
when i read showcased gems
of oedilfers, the thames
beneath westminster bridge looks appealing.
"
"there was a great sprinter named hall,
who found stopping the hardest of all,
till one terrible day
he got trundled away
on a barrow with bits of brick wall.
"
"anemoscopes always get placed
where the wind must be measured and traced.
if an airport forgets
to have scopes (or stout nets)
many pilots could end up disgraced.
"
"five on scotus decided to vote us
equal rights, well supported by potus.
same-sex couples may wed;
all obstruction is dead.
states with bans: take immediate notice!
"
"clever eli aspired to knowing
the deep secrets of stitching and sewing.
how excited was he,
sly inventor-to-be?
in his brain, fertile seeds began growing.
"
"tom or selma won't try to connect
with their friends in most ways you'd suspect.
if they're planning to meet,
they will not text or tweet?
they'll send telegrams, slow but direct.
"
"please be careful to not make it seem
that he's crazy. he just has a?dream.
moving boats with no sail?
would he triumph or fail?
he's not mad, he's just blowing off steam.
"
"friends say ted is one fan of ac.
while al varies, he tends to agree.
mirrored sine curves reflect
a smooth flow non-direct,
while old thom, as a rule, plugs dc.
"
"d2b can be key for your heart.
it's the time when your treatment will start.
if it falls under 50
your chances are nifty.
over 90? you might just depart.
"
"chinese okra, zucchini-like veg,
can give bathers a definite edge.
when it's left on the vine
it forms loofah. divine
as a sponge, keep it close on tub's ledge.
"
"""mr. eliot i must confess,
i find most of your poems a mess.
""prufrock love song""?no taste.
and the waste land?a waste.""
the author responded: ""t.s.""
"
"wendy chronicled sex with each man
she'd hook up with. her mischievous plan
was to categorize
each new john by his size.
see her blog for her last peter pan.
"
"her chief servant confessed that he'd sinned.
when he farted with bowels unpinned.
""you have fouled dear tara!""
cried scarlett o'hara.
that butler was gone with the wind.
"
"poor klaus, an herbivorous kraut,
felt on visits a little put aut,
for his backbiting aunts
always padlocked their plants,
and would shaut, ""you're a spraut-tauting laut!""
"
"a new donor of blood, percy peters,
was assailed by computerized meters.
he was giving and kind,
yet those brutes didn't mind
when they took his young life (and six litres).
"
"""primes and double primes,"" lectured miss dow,
""look the same as quotation marks now,
but a prime just means feet ? ""
"" ? two means inches!"" cried pete,
""so an inch is two feet then...somehow?""
"
"because bloom-loving states of australia
might well, if you criticise, jailia,
i'm writing from where
extradition's quite rare:
it's a failia, australia's dahlia!
"
"because limerick writers tease sioux
by misspelling sioux words like canioux,
they abhor our twee rhymes,
and have warned me three times
that the tomahawk's used by sioux tioux.
"
"in this baleful, most bloody tale yet,
mafiosi cleaved open a vet,
fed his dogs and three nieces
his heart in small pieces ?
then bought their poor don a new pet.
"
"you have ordered your favourite dish,
lemon eels (and six snails, if you wish),
but your waiter unveils
melon peels and six nails.
if he's british, he's just made a bish.
"
"a foot is most commonly found
at the end of each leg of a hound.
if by chance one is not
found attached to that spot,
it will still be quite close to the ground.
"
"in the spring a pained eskimo groaned
at the mound of foul birds he'd deboned.
though his wife had no freezer,
it strangely would please her
to see not a tern left unstoned.
"
"i'm a bell-ringer now! yes, today
some galoot with the key walked away,
and we're left in the lurch
wrongly jailed in this church!
what else can i do? should we pray?
"
"like the greeks, first read forwards and then
nehw ,dne eht litnu sdrawkcab ot hctiws
you'll have learned how to read
deeps avulleh eno ta
and to alternate lines that you pen.
"
"i must place himalaya's chilled yeti
on africa's baked serengeti,
a sweltering clime,
but the only fit rhyme
for a yeti poetically petty.
"
"the canadians (english and french)
have inherited fists that still clench,
since their forebears' wild rages
have needed, for ages,
an ocean-filled boundary trench.
"
"a brave witness of holy jehovah
once waved on the a2 near dovah
his odd little tracts that
got shredded. the fact's that
jehovah forgot to shout, ""rovah!""
"
"were our lives all just games and long holidays,
fun would be dreary, and folly days
all so darned boring
we'd now be exploring
how best to make workdays our jolly days.
"
"the unicorn's famed for his horn
and the fact that he's never been born.
had he kind of existed,
he might have enlisted
to clear the park's litter-laced lawn.
"
"when my aircraft came down it got stripped
as its belly was opened and ripped.
after parting a flock
of shocked sheep, it struck rock,
which then tore out its heart ? and it flipped.
"
"girls think boys are the bane of the earth ?
that there's nothing more lacking in worth.
they just fiddle with flies
till their innocence dies,
then they cause yet another boy's birth.
"
"i must warn you right now that the b
is ignored in the bdellium tree.
commiphora by genus,
it yields, to aid venus,
fine resins for scents ? for a fee.
"
"anti-jewish is such a sad word,
for it flows from the awe of the herd.
wherever jews settle
they show their rare mettle,
and envy then often gets stirred.
"
"tom and athos and don't forget wynken.
then there's chico and huey. i'm thinkin',
tinker started each play,
while snap's sound led the way.
every name to two others is linkin'.
"
"spain lost twice so they won't gain the cup, hence,
former champs have received their comeuppance.
was their aragon bluster
why they failed to pass muster?
high-paid blokes proved they aren't worth tuppence.
"
"a new air freshener clears out the smell
that can linger in autos too well.
the green pine tree displayed
has displaced a young maid?
buxom pinups proved harder to sell.
"
"i think some of my neighbors are hoarders,
coexisting as clutter-prone boarders,
like those odd collyer brothers
who decided their druthers
was to balk at all ""clean it up!"" orders.
"
"did ""a chicken in every pot""
start with hoover? some say it did not.
france's henry iv
promised meat for one's broth.
for poor france that's as good as it got.
"
"legs are bent, head is bowed, back is curved?
one prenatal or person unnerved?
is it inside its mama
or suffering trauma?
the term fetal position's reserved.
"
"fe: symbol for iron (see table
periodically set to enable
elemental display,
in an orderly way,
using letters as signs for each label).
"
"know what pulitzer prize-winning play
sparked a painting by benton one day?
it's a little known fact,
from a great scene, third act,
thomas hart bet the house, all the way.
"
"what two states have a quirk that's the same:
just one consonant sits in each name?
o, i, a can be found,
'cause those vowels resound;
not an e nor a u is to blame.
"
"when the fa determines the way
by which most english football teams play,
it attempts to be fair;
and those teams wouldn't dare
to flout rules that they all must obey.
"
"it contains things to chew on, a blik,
like the can that cats lick and kids kick ?
oh, is that afrikaans?
well, in english they're slants
on religion or life ? take your pick.
"
"never think, if you're called a great blellum,
they're praising your fine cerebellum.
the truth, friend, i fear,
is they're saying (oh, dear)
you're a vacuous blabbering skellum.
"
"i guess you might think they were greek,
all the words a few boonville folks speak.
to those bahl codgy kimmies
and blooching weech jimmies,
they're boontling, a language unique.
"
"our masters of abacus grab at us,
and often will make the odd jab at us.
if we pay them no heed,
or miscount a stray bead,
those samurai senseis will stab at us!
"
"kindly note there's a ban in this zoo
on the feeding of animals. you
may donate food instead
to those much less well-fed:
simply hand it to one of our crew.
"
"though pinochet's wife begged him shrilly,
""come in, dear! it's cold! don't be silly!""
he fixed his crazed stare
on his world stretched out there,
and announced, ""i'm not cold. i am chile!""
"
"those old whalers loved ships and their sails,
and the howling of tempests and gales.
oh, the thrill as they scattered
and viciously battered
dispirited, blubbery whales!
"
"when you find that you're not in the black,
try to borrow the lucre you lack
from a pessimist slob
like your rich uncle bob,
who won't bank on you giving it back.
"
"i'd been searching for bargains in beares
without finding a trace of such wares.
then i saw in their basement
this sign of displacement:
""bargain basement on fourth floor upstairs"".
"
"as our dealership's sick of bad debt,
repossession is no idle threat,
so we'll help (we are sweet)
put you back on your feet
if you've not made your car payment yet!
"
"no matter how blue you are feeling,
your smile's always healthy and healing.
if each verse you read here
helps you shed one less tear,
then your life should become more appealing.
"
"said miss happ, ""as examiners go,
you're the best of the thirteen i know!""
he sighed, ""thanks, but your test
was atrocious. you'd best
move your car, for it's parked on my toe.""
"
"do beware, i declare, the rhinoceros,
whose temper is truly atroceros.
so do not, for pete's sake,
ever stupidly make
an obstroperos 'noceros croceros!
"
"altruistic? old farmer la farge?
i don't think so. his heart's not so large.
he tells ramblers like me,
""stroll my meadows ? they're free!""
but that's bull, for his bulls always charge.
"
"frenchmen honour napoleon bonaparte,
yet so many souls had been blown apart
or slaughtered by sword
for that little liege lord
before wellington tore his gilt throne apart.
"
"from page one of a ten-volume book,
a worm ate to the last page. it took
seven claims statisticians
and mathematicians
to prove the sly bookworm a crook.
"
"two qualities most folks admire
are courage and grace under fire.
noble traits such as these
forge some tough sobs
who take bullets and quickly expire.
"
"when his friends call him backward, jon sneers:
""i am very advanced in some spheres.
with my jigsaw techniques,
i can do in six weeks
puzzles clearly marked '2-4 years'.""
"
"though your vagueness on protocol sigma
and cryptograms carries no stigma,
it's high time you knew
that throughout world war ii
bletchley park made a fool of enigma.
"
"at first the poor ant-slurping aardvark
was seen as a bearish old hard 'vark,
but his greatness unfurled
till he charmed the whole world
and arrived on its a-lists as starred 'vark.
"
"the proud axis, a south asian deer,
carries antlers as sharp as a spear.
facing one, i am cowed,
though ? for crying out loud ?
how could ""axises"" (sic!) cause me fear?
"
"once a beaver worked wonders with wood,
building dams, like a good beaver should.
sadly, something he wouldn't do ?
in fact, that he couldn't do ?
was swim, though he wished that he could.
"
"as an author of verses, i face
the revenge of odd rogues i disgrace,
so i'll make it quite clear
that the parts i hold dear
have been moved to a safe secret place.
"
"i blame escalators both for this metre
and for making me late. i'm no bleater,
but i swear that the power
was cut off for an hour ?
i got stuck on one, boss. i'm no cheater.
"
"birds are creatures who purge from on high
as they flap, and they crap in my eye.
though they do make me mad,
they remind me i'm glad
that the featherless pig cannot fly.
"
"i shall improvise now and shall toy
with this word (and with you). i'll be coy.
i shall keep on concealing
by only revealing:
autoschediasm's what i employ.
"
"when the queen invites plebs to her place,
birthday honours are dished out apace.
she reproves, by her glare,
summoned subjects who wear
birthday suits, and they blush in disgrace.
"
"to her groundsman complained lady bliss,
""i'm afraid there is something amiss.
these drooping hydrangeas
were praised once by strangers.
carruthers, i know where you piss!""
"
"those tongue-troubled ant-slurping aardvarks
must slurp them from sharp grass and hard barks.
because ants don't much care
returned bites are unfair,
aardvarks' scratch marks are turned into scarred marks.
"
"semicolon's a shy little mark;
it has one tiny byte, but no bark.
i've attempted to show
how one works, but i know
that i'm also at times in the dark.
"
"they're a sorry old lot. when i quiz
one old sixties-style beatnik on his
generation (which he
says was beat), he says, ""we
were unique, just like everyone is.""
"
"don't think animal-lovers are bland,
for compassion's a powerful stand.
would your boy march with death
if he'd felt the warm breath
of a dormouse asleep in his hand?
"
"it is true that prime minister blair
flattens foes till they cry their despair,
but he makes life a hell
for some britons as well
because blair takes great care to seem fair.
"
"the famed aardvark and aardwolf compete
for fat termites in african heat,
so they set out at night
when it's cool ? oh, and fight
on this a-page, but aardwolf's been beat.
"
"a black swan ruled our waters today,
having skied in on hisses of spray.
back and forth he swept by
with his regal head high,
antimonarchist me in his sway.
"
"it flows through the veins of banditos
and blue bloods who sneer at burritos.
it sustains every beast,
this red boon and, not least,
blood is nature's great gift to mosquitoes.
"
"blondes are easy to please, it appears,
for their eyes seem to sparkle, the dears,
when you give them a cheap
little flashlight to keep
and to shine in their pretty pink ears.
"
"it's been said of brave baroness thatcher
that three mortal men couldn't match her.
when she once saw a mouse
in her downing street house,
it took six mortal men just to catch her.
"
"had you lived in an age before brie
and chinese guys with names like pu lee,
you would still, friend, have heard
the word colour referred
to as cheese-in-chinese-sounding blee.
"
"i've a tragic and true tale to tell
of a mouse (now avenged) burned to hell.
the poor bastard who did it
lost house just to rid it
of mouse who, in flames, spread them well.
"
"anthroposociology's not
only greek, for it tells us a lot
about places on races,
and races on places ?
effects of (i almost forgot).
"
"though the pianist kept missing the keys
in his bid to keep pace, screeching ""please!""
the conductor's crazed baton
just traced its mad pattern
until it had dizzied six bees.
"
"a giraffe-necked remarkable dame
from rangoon has attained wide acclaim.
with her twenty-third ring,
they have found she can sing
a high c that puts divas to shame.
"
"a glib hypocritical oath
is affirmed by some doctors who're loath
to regard humdrum healing
as quite so appealing
as wealth in the pledging of troth.
"
"human avarice hurts the prized horse,
who wins profits for men on the course.
what becomes of him when
he stops winning? why, then
he gets flogged into fields to graze gorse.
"
"since a sorter of chickens, from buckingham,
is chased by the chicks who are plucking 'em,
he heads twice a day
for some nook he (they say)
calls an alcove, and fancies for ducking 'em.
"
"accustomedness looks quite absurd,
and it sounds pretty weird when it's heard.
it is something i don't
(and quite probably won't)
ever feel for this horrible word.
"
"prepahs yruo'e azmead taht tihs mses
smees so esay to raed thguoh it's lses
lkie rael esnlgih tahn siuox?
scrbalnmig wdors, lanevig two
ouetr ltertes, wlil csaue no dsritses.
"
"of the climbers bewitched by mt. everest,
it's not just the strongest and cleverest
who give her their all ?
feeble fools, when they fall,
in the snows of mt. everest forever rest.
"
"though cannibal shamans were fakes,
they prospered by treating mens' aches.
not a patient got cured,
yet their failures ensured
they would seldom be faced with missed steaks.
"
"ambiguity's something we brook,
for our brains are not easily shook.
look at look and see see:
we all know that when we
oversee, we do not overlook.
"
"i feel blessed with a wife who's a pet,
with a wife who can work up a sweat,
with a wife i can trust,
and a wife who feels lust ?
i feel blessed that the four haven't met.
"
"the number sign seemed a good name
for the hash, since it first rose to fame
as the #1 way
to show numbers. now they
say six pounds is 6#. it's a shame.
"
"el pedro, the posturing matador,
bolts either through ""thees"" or through ""thatta"" door.
he's much less ambitious
when bulls are real vicious,
and doesn't waste time on the latter door.
"
"automatic machines, without doubt,
such as those put in laundromats, flout
moral codes i approve.
they suggest you remove
all your clothes when the light flickers out.
"
"ronnie barker won't joke any more
in his open all hours sitcom store,
or eat porridge in jail,
or with corbett regale:
death has sadly shut ronnie's last door.
"
"my a-to-z limerick tool
goes from a's ""aa-bb-a"" rule
on to d's ""diddy dum""
(that's the beat i must strum)
until z's ""zany endings are cool!""
"
"""i'll be rich,"" van dyke cried to the frogs,
""there's treasure"" (beep-beep) ""in these bogs!""
croaked one, ""your detector
would beep in each sector.
it's sensing the nails in your clogs.""
"
"the word antecedaneous holds
only prior-placed things in its folds.
in less general terms,
it could point to those germs
that arrive with the chills before colds.
"
"""my dear woman,"" the bishop announced,
""i will not let your vicar be trounced!
all the evidence seems
(i refer to his screams)
to establish that you, madam, pounced.""
"
"fate is bittersweet ? balm and a knife ?
and its cruel dichotomy's rife.
on the birth of our boy,
it resented our joy,
so she paid, my young love, with her life.
"
"though your god-slant on blasphemy's crass for me,
it's not a great gas for me, blasphemy.
i do not show disdain
for the truth, so it's plain
you need not say a blasphemy mass for me.
"
"baby sucks on his cute little thumb
as he lies on his sweet little tum.
being so well-intentioned,
he hates when it's mentioned
he pukes on his poor little mum.
"
"""i think god uses bathrooms,"" sighed claire,
""but it makes daddy angry and swear.
if mommy is slow
when he's wanting to go,
he shouts, ""god! whatcha doing in there!?""
"
"neath beddgelert's great oak lies the grave
of true gelert, a wolfhound most brave,
who wast slain by the sword
of his own wretched lord,
tho' from death his lord's babe he didst save.
"
"the phrase actum ut supra means ""yes,
i have done as above ? nothing less.""
modern romans don't favour it,
but aussies still savour it,
writing it thus: a.u.s.
"
"i've been weighing if dad chose to buy her
that mother's day gift just to try her.
mum railed like a bitch
at the bathroom scale, which
i believed (i was three) was a ""lyre"".
"
"in australia the peaceful mom wombat
tries hard to avoid careless combat.
the best wombat mommies
just care for their ""wommies"",
while combat is left to the ""tombat"".
"
"expect snipverts that aren't proper clipverts,
like quipverts and other such flipverts,
each advert well aimed
at your subconscious, famed
as a sucker for blipverts like stripverts.
"
"bloody chunk of raw wood feared by cocks.
lifting pulley that squeaks at the docks.
only part of a mass.
causes failure to pass.
keeps our stores in a street-bordered box.
"
"anopisthographic's a word
that's so greek it's infrequently heard.
it means ""writing on only
one side"" to some lonely
old linguaphiles (and the odd nerd).
"
"a karate girl's show-stopping kick
was inept, yet alarmingly quick.
her volunteer's arm
having come to some harm,
he was told he had been a real brick.
"
"old van dyke, a dutch hewer of logs,
went to masquerade balls in his clogs.
when disguised as a tree,
he'd mistakenly be
discommoded by drunks and rude dogs.
"
"ad eundem gradum's the rank
your degree will deserve, to be frank,
if the work you did there
was your own. can you swear?
if you can't, you deserve such a spank!
"
"a bo in a bo called out, ""bo!""
to a bo with b.o. want it slow?
well, a boy in a tree
called out, ""boo!"" because he
whiffed a tramp's body (b) odour (o).
"
"bishop tutu toot-tooted at crewe
his own two o'clock tutu to-do.
aware he loved trains,
christian drivers took pains
to toot-toot tutu, too, to 2:02.
"
"as a healer, the bland obstetrician
had little financial ambition.
he loved ladies deeply,
so treated them cheaply ?
half-price if they caught his condition.
"
"in the contest, miss archer's fine bow
helped her humble her masculine foe.
it was not just the score
that he looked silly for,
but the arrow she'd lodged in his toe.
"
"when you use the word amphichromatic,
few laymen feel over-ecstatic.
to them it's all greek
(which it is) that you speak.
say ""having two hues"" ? it's emphatic.
"
"have you noticed that words such as thrash
are all brutal or hurried ? like flash?
when you rip off their starts,
they are burnt at their hearts,
and you're left with just worthless grey ash.
"
"though today one can't say ""a per se,"" one
can use indivisible a1
for first class or best.
apersey and the rest
(a per c, apersie) didn't stay one.
"
"though it fortifies words and can fuse two,
the hyphen has ways to abuse, too.
its short straight-line tether
can bring words together ?
or break them in two should it choose to.
"
"our compassion's expression's affection,
a beautiful human connection.
it doesn't ask much ?
just a smile or a touch
nurtures love and affection's reflection.
"
"there once was a little french chamois
who frolicked on rocks near his mamois.
his blameless young fun
was then wrecked by a gun,
and he's now washing cars in miamois.
"
"it's been dying, the romans' great ampersand,
and now just the signwriter pampers &amp;.
though there's no good excuse,
it is doomed to disuse,
for the absence of romans still hampers &amp;.
"
"ants assemble at arms and advance
against apes all absconding askance.
after aardvarks arrive,
antsy apes (all alive)
assert, ""arrogant antsholes are ants!""
"
"when they bitch about husbands all day,
wives will often admit (with dismay)
there are only two things
between men and white wings:
all the things that they do and they say.
"
"in the jungle, those nudist de graafs
heard the laughing hyenas' sly laughs,
so erected a wall,
and again bared their all ?
but then heard the rude laughs of giraffes.
"
"you are wrong if you think that sir lancelot,
when rescuing virgins, would chance a lot.
he sometimes would lance a bit
(and even advance a bit),
but lancelot mostly would prance a lot.
"
"in the hammer event, a guy's throw
gave the fans a fine aerial show.
his wild screams rent the air
as it howled through his hair ?
but the tosser just wouldn't let go.
"
"so athletic's the long-legged emu
he's very unlikely to deem you
half worthy of racing
those limbs he loves gracing.
he knows that on one he could cream you.
"
"""my name's m-m-m m-m-m mort,""
said the stutterer cops had just caught.
""ah, we've got us a jester,""
observed the arrester.
""we'll book you as 'mort' just for short.""
"
"a barefaced campaigner, great scott,
spoke the truth once for votes that he got!
he declared with a smile,
""i shall always lie while
my opponents all lie such a lot.""
"
"""alphabetic brats cheat, droll evette,""
fumed guy hezlatt, ""if joshing kids let
my no-open-place q
remain stranded! that u
voids wry xerus, yvetta zlahett!""
"
"in the three-legged race, mrs. pegg
and the headmaster tripped on a keg
that was rolled by a boy
down the track to annoy ?
which it did, for they shattered their leg.
"
"you will find, if you read all the best,
that the limerick's anapest-stressed:
diddy-dee diddy-dum
is its rhythm and, chum,
this one's anapest-blessed like the rest.
"
"a damp lawyer defended a thief
on a horrible hot humid reef.
in the absence of breezes
or fans or shade, jesus,
he stuck very well to his brief!
"
"yes, the bill of the pelican relican
hold more than his pelican belican.
people still see how welican
but not how the helican
stock more than a pelican delican.
"
"he bought besoms, that man of khartoum
who kept sheep (so they said) in his room.
i do not speak of this
to suggest it's remiss ?
just to tell you that besom means ""broom"".
"
"antidisestablishmentarianism
is both a resistance to schism
of church and the state
(which the priests tend to hate)
and the longest damned word with an -ism.
"
"a proud sikh with the world's longest beard
cried, ""good lord! it has half-disappeared!""
as the mower kept ripping
the hair it was gripping,
the runner-up chortled and cheered.
"
"bad luck's not when you're shot but just grazed
and a tree takes your slug. god be praised!
bad luck is ? written large ?
when your dynamite charge
blasts it free and you're dead more than dazed.
"
"antidisestablishmentarianism
nailed britain's mass antitheism.
as trinities dim,
ents nab, alas, him,
and net british aisles animatism.
"
"the asterisk's such a great star*
that its uses regrettably are
so abundant now that
i can't write here of splat**
nor of something that's really bizarre!***
"
"authors harness parentheses (brackets)
to trap their asides in neat packets,
which helps critics gleaning
a novel's true meaning
provide unpaid blurbs for its jackets.
"
"this question leaves dolts in the dark
when it's asked on its own for a lark.
a philosopher's brain
could well drive him insane
if you asked him to answer this mark.
"
"to my wife i'm an affable creep,
yet her own affability's cheap.
on a mattress that's lumpy
i'd never wake grumpy ?
i'd affably leave her to sleep.
"
"the amnesiac's life ain't a ball.
i remember, um, nothing at all.
oh, i feel like an ass,
since i've been one, alas,
for as long as i cannot recall.
"
"aurea mediocritas, too,
is a rectangle known by all who
praise the parthenon's features,
or leaves, or shelled creatures ?
fibonacci's (go google) your clue.
"
"bolo, solo, has taught me barolo
and many dumb rhymes like palolo.
he's just a french guy
who got shot as a spy ?
and who shows it is tough to rhyme -olo.
"
"you will find, if you're highly renowned,
paparazzi keep sniffing around,
but a worse cur, i think,
and a mutt who craves ink,
is the darned dogged autograph hound.
"
"an olympian fencer named coyle
had displayed epic skill with his foil.
deftly thrusting with care
and considerable flair,
he had lanced his opponent's vile boil.
"
"to aficionados, the pull
of the bullring is more than just bull.
some applaud sequined skill,
while the sickest feel ill
when those sequins aren't gored to the full.
"
"a seamstress was paid to embroider
for clients, who often annoyed her.
she would stick vicious stitches
straight into those bitches,
so only the thick-skinned employed her.
"
"although mother nature's polluted,
the culprits are mostly ill-suited
to act when she's dirty:
men rightly get shirty
when pressed to keep mothers abluted.
"
"the guinness book records reveal
he ate meals of base metals like steel,
but lost life and desire
when he tried copper wire,
having left (it was live) half the reel.
"
"in our grammar the accusitival
now faces uncertain survival.
there's a shadow of doom
stalking them, him, and whom ?
i shall miss they when faced with deprival.
"
"don't pronounce this word ""africann-ess"",
or you'll cause pretty maidens distress.
as these beauties are cuties,
i feel that my duty's
to say it's just -ness they possess.
"
"british boffins are blokes who've read tomes
about physics, and work under domes,
or in back rooms detecting
electrons deflecting,
which makes them, i guess, sherlock ohms.
"
"see, o kids, i bring knowledge of rounds.					
truly not every limerick confounds!				
summing lettering, see,	
to set numerals free,
yields an answer that pi's sum expounds! 												
"
"you'll see blackthorns round each lovely bend
if you cruise england's waterways, friend.
though their sour little plums,
on their own, wrinkle gums,
in sloe gin they're a heavenly blend.
"
"no, you can't read through a in one sitting!
with limericks, trust us, it's fitting
to savour their flavour
in batches. those braver
have heads, not just sides, that are splitting!
"
"on bonfire night britons remember,
remember the fifth of november,
the gunpowder, treason,
and plot, for the reason
fawkes failed to leave even one ember.
"
"when your hair invites ""where?"" more than ""there!""
you will care about baldness, i swear!
just order a passport
and feel like an ass, sport:
no hair colour's there to declare!
"
"there was once a failed fakir from seoul
who applied rather hotly for dole,
for despite risk of burning,
he'd tested a yearning
to sleep on his bed of hot coal.
"
"once it whispered sly secrets to eve
as it hissingly sought to deceive,
then it slid out of sight,
till one sultry, still night,
as an asp, it saw caesar's son grieve.
"
"""you'll have gold,"" swore the chief, ""little rose,
on your fingers, and ears, and dear toes.
you'll have gems, silken braids,
satin dresses, and maids,
and an awl to stick rings through your nose.""
"
"they've just tested my brain for iq,
so i'm feeling big-headed. i do
sound conceited to crow,
but i want you to know
the results were all negative. phew!
"
"if you see what you're looking for here,
you're not likely to need it, i fear.
you can't really need much
the bifocals and such
we opticians display and sell dear.
"
"the bavarian germans are fine,
for their alpine behaviour's like mine ?
well, except for the way
in emergencies they
never phone till they've cried, ""nein nein nein!""
"
"through the blitz lived a glutton so round
he was used as a blimp to confound
hitler's heinkel night fighters,
till, downed by the blighters,
he cratered eight acres of ground.
"
"an animal. that's what we call
a thug in a bust-bottle brawl.
perhaps we should snap,
""that vile piece of crap
has no animal grace ? none at all!""
"
"boltzmann constant? relax. easy-peasy.
it's physics, but won't make you queasy.
used with gas, it's a gas:
take the temperature, mass,
times the constant, get energy. easy!
"
"am, are, is (plural are, are, are) are
simply forms of to be, which we mar
if the i, you, he (and
plural we, you, they) stand
wrongly matched when we is below par.
"
"though relieved they had said, ""she's not scary!""
james met his blind date feeling wary.
she turned when she heard
his approach. his sight blurred...
she was cute as a fairy, blind .: :: :. : !
"
"though ag's guttural, short, and germanic,
and afrikaans-english, don't panic!
ag, use it like this,
and ag, then you can't miss,
whether scholar or tongue-tied mechanic.
"
"the limerick's too often viewed
as a verse that's capriciously lewd.
it is righteous to vex,
with both satire and sex,
oily posers and perverts caught nude.
"
"one night the inspired mr. argand
requested a glowing cigar and
then lit the round wick
he'd designed. what a trick!
it shone bright as the milky way star band!
"
"on the front of the head is the face,
without doubt the superior place.
the much lower contender
deserves no defender ?
smiling arse about face would lack grace.
"
"pregnant mary was reading divinity,
so had to proclaim her virginity.
when she gave triplets birth,
they engendered sly mirth ?
but they fostered as well a new trinity.
"
"aerothermodynamics may look
like a word that could fill a small book,
but it's only the notion
that spacecraft in motion
through air tend to heat till they cook.
"
"while the eagle still swoops when he shrieks
and still banks to the max when he streaks,
because humans now fly,
he's a little too shy
to rehearse aerobatic techniques.
"
"axonometry's used quite a lot
to draw shapes that are tricky to plot,
for it takes 3d matter
and renders it flatter ?
like a steamrollered pussy (mein gott!).
"
"in great britain, 11 is more
reminiscent of peace than of gore,
for at that exact time,
day, and month so sublime,
came the end of the bloody ""great war"".
"
"he is so apathetic, our dwight,
bullies can't ever goad him to fight.
he explains to each friend,
""it's not me they offend ?
when my mum's called a whore, i say 'quite.'""
"
"there's bedlam in june in new york,
since it's littered with tourists who gawk
both at this and at that,
and then end up squashed flat ?
the fools run when the lights say ""don't walk!""
"
"the rude moppet would stifle his shrieks
when exposed to the kisses and tweaks
that his doting blind aunt
would unseeingly plant
on his wickedly offered wrong cheeks.
"
"an abhorrent old heiress named piper
disgustingly dirtied her diaper,
yet nobody fussed ?
well, in fact, there was just
one old griper, that viper, her wiper.
"
"you object to me writing of sex
and of thighs as they ripple and flex?
well, please take a hike
or be off on your bike!
with just what should i rhyme bmx?
"
"called the solidus, shilling mark, slash,
stroke, and virgule, it's made such a splash
that it's called, i can tell,
separatrix as well,
and oblique/slant/diagonal dash.
"
"clever greek alexandrian, hero,
took steam-jet propulsion from zero
to heat-hissing joys
called aeolipiles, boys ?
then he sent some as toys to crazed nero.
"
"i shall show the full meaning of blank,
using just the next line, as a prank:
__ ____ ______ __ _______
you don't see? deary me!
seems my prank drew a blank, to be frank.
"
"for me, this word's not academic,
so barge seldom feels polysemic.
it's just a long boat
on which live-aboards float
in response to needs ecosystemic.
"
"the celts who now jabber ""bejabers!""
are not kilted scots tossing cabers.
those proud celtic guys
who thus jabber surprise
are, bejabers, the scots' irish neighbours!
"
"though anomaly looks a tad stuffy,
you needn't despair or get huffy.
it's just what seems wrong,
or what doesn't belong,
like a ravening pit bull named fluffy.
"
"belle believable? no! now they sue her
for scurrilous scams ? and they boo her.
her invisible paints
caused indignant complaints
when her victims began to see through her.
"
"a befuddled old doctor named dillon
bemoaned being classed as a villain.
yes, he did lose a few,
but he knew what he knew,
and that didn't include penicillin.
"
"pronounced ""ak-shaf"", old achshaph in canaan
has only sad ruins remainin',
for many attacked it,
and joshua sacked it
while ashers were loudly complainin'.
"
"""dave and howard, yioux shouldn't tease sioux
by misspelling sioux words like canioux!
it is yioux i shall blame
if yioux keep up this game!
it is yioux whioux sioux'll sioux if yioux dioux!""
"
"tarzan roared as he soared and swung free
after dumping poor jane in the tree,
but the hollering fellow
had reason to bellow:
he urgently needed to pee.
"
"ray k. fray cried, ""say, jay clay, pray stay!
they may bay, 'hooray, prey! hey, gay ""fay""!'""
""eh? i'll splay, flay ? nay, slay, ray,
a gray bigot today, ray!
stray! fey sway is play ray's way...okay!?""
"
"rooting pigs simply can't cope without
an assessing, inquisitive snout.
you could, if you chose to,
judge mud with your nose, too,
but, goodness, you'd look like a lout!
"
"enduring's the fame of great churchill,
yet some are allowed to besmirch still
his dignified mien.
it's unfair and obscene
what those pigeons for whom he's a perch spill.
"
"poor patrick was sucked from his jet,
but fell smack in a circus-tent net.
praise the lord, for he's kind
(though perhaps somewhat blind,
since they hadn't attached the net yet).
"
"the almighty (you know him as god)
suffered children so sinful and odd
that he passed his long days
giving thought to new ways
to stomp harder on those whom he trod.
"
"that great place the american's from
always puzzles the marvelling pom.
poms (or limeys, whatever)
have seldom, if ever,
craved apple pie, baseball, or mom.
"
"avaricious old dr. len lattick
is never confused or erratic.
all those who can pay
are sent (well) on their way;
the others get whipped in his attic.
"
"because fellows at ford, a fair company,
reject many cars, but don't dump any,
crooks artfully lodge 'em
at fairgrounds (think ""dodgem""),
then warn all the kids not to bump any.
"
"joan and johnny, two lovers with braces,
now kissed on alternative places,
for both sought relief
from the mouth-mangling grief
they had suffered when joining their faces.
"
"being very correct or polite
has its place, but i'd rather invite
you to simply be kind
(if that's not a great bind),
for it's straight and it never seems trite.
"
"no, you can't be at any man's beck,
because beck is archaic but, heck,
you could end up, you know,
at his beck and call, so
don't let any man treat you like dreck.
"
"cried a bare-assed torero from  sydenham,
""my trousers, se?ores! you've hydenham!""
he flushed when he learned
they had quickly been burned
when the matadors saw what he dydenham.
"
"a promiscuous sprinter named wright
could have fled from the soldiers all night,
but they barracked her speed
(and her, too), for you need
to be chaste to be chased into flight.
"
"a dazed milkman advised one or two
of his brush with the wild miss peru.
he then called for the cops,
who, in two minutes tops,
found her house ? but they still had to queue.
"
"miss gush taught her girls an old trick
to learn poise (with the aid of a brick).
to her snobbish assortment
she brought ? by deportment ?
proud heads borne on necks grossly thick.
"
"the base jumper's naked wild thrashing
brought sixty-six awnings down crashing.
his screams of regret
turned to sobs in the net,
but resumed when they charged him with flashing.
"
"there was a girl-wonder named cath
who embraced the olympian path.
she swam three times a day
across four miles of  bay
and then drowned at age five in her bath.
"
"granny answered me, ""dear, very few stockings
thrill me at all. david, do stockings
look, when they're blue,
like a great-granny hue?
they mean me when they talk, dear, of bluestockings!""
"
"a hot-headed keeper named coles
is as often in gaols as in goals.
automatic reactions
are judged grave infractions
when scorers get plugged full of holes.
"
"were our verses all cloyingly clean,
and bedazzling with shimmering sheen,
we would blind you, so we,
more for you than for me,
have slipped smudges of smut in-between.
"
"you can find one in h and in a,
in the middle there, marking the way
from the left to the right
to prevent readers' fright.
barless h's cause l-ish dismay.
"
"we should smash every shield that's pro-white,
and pro-black, for that's also not right.
so let's crack our warm jokes
about any darn folks
because humour's a source of delight.
"
"there's a show on tv now, called brat camp,
which features a ranch that's no fat camp.
teenage monsters, inflamed,
are remoulded and tamed
by wise cowboys. how parents love that camp!
"
"a nude skydiver jumped from cape horn
and bemoaned the sad day he was born.
when pressed for the reason,
he snivelled, ""the trees on
which somehow i landed were thorn!""
"
"""well, cam roy, am i mayor macllew?""
""o democrats' non-star, come, do!
not new york,"" roy went on,
""now sahoto has 'won'...
oh, who came to vote, mac, oh who?""
"
"the new unisex angle from prigg
is reviving the leaf of the fig,
but he's doomed his collections
since forward projections
show men are now growing too big.
"
"after's not, in this line, after dafter,
and jokes don't get cracked after laughter.
it's a relative place
in both time and in space ?
like a tile that gets placed after rafter.
"
"mothers speak of the birds and the bees
to their children to put them at ease.
many sons aren't amused
and sigh, ""mum, you're confused ?
you should see daddy's penthouses. jeez!""
"
"boxiana means all things pertaining
to boxing, which needs no explaining.
they are objects and tales
of young guys hard as nails,
who will quit with few brain cells remaining.
"
"you will writhe on your bed all night through.
you will groan on wet sheets. you will mew.
you will finally flop
and will beg me to stop ?
which i'll do when i'm through. i'm the flu.
"
"since a good balanced diet is grand,
i'm relieved that you're taking a stand,
but i don't trust your view
that it's balanced when you
clutch a danish in each chubby hand.
"
"there's a bill on a bird (it's a beak),
and just three in my wallet this week,
but a bill's on the way,
so i'll lose them today ?
unlike cheques, which go slowly, bills streak.
"
"folks adored charming president kennedy,
so seldom enquired as to when h'd he
succumbed to dumb need
to sow juvenile seed
on his way towards dallas and threnody.
"
"when a bottlenose whale died today,
rugged boatmen wiped teardrops away.
others smirked, as dolts do,
unaware that those who
lack compassion will make our world pay.
"
"air-to-ground involves bombs, no mistake,
but permit me to joke, for flight's sake:
pilots' wheeled ""air-to-grounding""
should equal (no rounding)
the number of take-offs they make.
"
"herman rang 999 for his bride:
""her contractions come not apart wide!""
emergencies smiled:
""sir, is this her first child?""
""nein, nein, nein! it's her husband,"" he cried.
"
"ah, the em dash ?  that flowing stroke i
can't resist, for it helps my words fly!
see 'em dash from my pen
in long lines ? though not when
i am using my keyboard ? well, try!
"
"i wanted to write of aboulia,
defining it fully to schoolia.
but my willpower's lost,
and we'll both bear the cost
of a mindset that does overrulia.
"
"i have carefully toed the bard's line,
yet my verses are new and are mine.
no, i wouldn't, oh dear,
ever cross edward lear,
for i fear that galled ghosts aren't benign.
"
"thanks to his (and my) bottle, last week
i got sacked by a druggist for cheek.
i had said, ""i'm unable
to print on that label ?
bottles jammed into printers, boss, leak!""
"
"there's an eight-foot-two giant named grant
who's in love with his four-foot-one aunt.
although love, people say,
always can find a way,
grant has told me himself that it can't.
"
"captured outlaws, each wearing a noose,
are near ready to drop. one breaks loose.
his compadres complain
as he's dragged back again,
""now the sheriff's real mad at us, moose!""
"
"clever kids are now put through a hoop
on tv, spelling words like recoup.
there is one pushy mummy
whose letter-crazed dummy
is forced to drink alphabet soup.
"
"""walker pasta"": a diet that bridges
the pitfalls of fat would-be midges.
for obesity's beefiness
to turn to light leafiness,
just walker right pasta da fridges.
"
"like those maidens of classical crete,
buxom bess was a bit indiscreet.
with her blouse rarely closed,
as you've guessed, she exposed
the bad driving of men on her street.
"
"there is much to cause britons to bellyache,
from rock cakes that aunts like old nellie bake,
to taxes, to terror,
to nuclear pile error ?
but, god, block your ears should their telly break!
"
"gus gardiner missed the pink hues
of occasional toes he would lose.
now the careless young man
has concluded, ""one can
mow a lawn, i suppose, wearing shoes.""
"
"your car, while it still has some worth,
joked ms. bombeck, a lady of mirth,
is a thing, god forfend,
you should never, friend, lend
to a person to whom you gave birth.
"
"an airhead inventor's creation
of gas-pumps for room ventilation
will pipe in o2,
and thus save quite a few
careless smokers the cost of cremation.
"
"our beliefs have wrought death on this earth
by creating more mayhem than mirth.
now billions have died
due to addle-brained pride
over this or that marvellous birth.
"
"there are calculus experts alive
who still calculate safely, and thrive,
but, alas, they are few,
for these brains tend to slue
off the road when they think and derive.
"
"though we bought our young jo no bouquet
when she gave up on school and ballet,
and her acts in the circus,
on elephants, irk us,
we won't try to stand in her way.
"
"when the reverend archibald pigeon
was eaten by natives, no smidgen
of christ touched those brutes
who consumed him sans boots,
yet they did get a taste for religion.
"
"i am sorely bereft of elation
to find i'm defining causation.
no philosopher, i'd
prefer spears in my side.
the causation? elation's negation.
"
"old king cole's silly gossipy vassal
has caused in the castle huge hassle.
alas, he's now dead,
and bereft of his head,
for the dolt carried news to cole castle.
"
"i'm the world's greatest writer, no less ?
on a par with will shakespeare, i guess.
gee, i'm pleased you agree,
but i meant you to see
braggadocio's always bs.
"
"a battery's small. or it's large.
it can power a flashlight. or barge.
just a word of advice:
never think folks are nice
when they offer you one free of charge.
"
"archaeology's risky, i hear,
because sifting the finds that appear
in the middens of yore
is a backbreaking chore ?
sifters strain themselves sometimes, i fear.
"
"though the painter of nudes, iris burke,
is an artist who's known not to shirk,
by portraying her tot
in ten paintings, she's got
just a little behind in her work.
"
"i've found my old boomerang. wow!
i shall throw it again now ? but how?
as my memory's rotten,
i might have forgotten...
ah, it's coming right back to me now!
"
"""crazy cookie"" they call me. it's wrong.
""flaky fruitcake"" as well. i am strong.
i'm a cake and accept
i've been raised quite inept,
for my mum was a wafer too long.
"
"there's a problem, quite possibly, that
you may face if your pussycat's scat
has befouled her rear end,
and by bathing you tend
to refreshen your felines: no cat.
"
"ahimsa's a doctrine apart ?
a belief based on goodness of heart.
read it backward (asmiha),
you'll be an agreer:
indonesian doctors are smart.
"
"we had heard the soft call of the wild,
so we fled our vile city, defiled.
in our little log dwelling,
soon sandra was swelling ?
now we hear just the call of the child.
"
"when you badmouth male lawyers and blame
them for all the world's ills, it's a shame.
it seems wrong to slang men
just 'cause nine out of ten
of them give all the rest a bad name.
"
"i'm feline and furry and fat
(in the arctic i can't chase a rat).
though i'm left out to sit
near the igloo, unfit,
i've been told, ""you're a very cool cat!""
"
"what ailed that giraffe-like old dame
caused her doctors both sadness and shame.
they cried as they tried
to reach down, but she died,
for her voice box was left to inflame.
"
"as i hold him and stroke his sparse hair, god
(these lifeless last wisps you still dare, god,
to tear from my boy
in your lust to destroy),
let him feel my deep love, not despair, god.
"
"should you catch the wild beast of loch ness,
you'll fail, i'm afraid, to impress
drumnadrochit's young men,
who detest your sort when
they get called out to clean up the mess.
"
"flustered golfer to son: ""as a caddy,
you're the worst in the universe, laddie!""
feisty son with sly glee:
""no, i think that would be
much too great a coincidence, daddy.""
"
"a disposer of bombs, i. b. ferrer,
has ways to discourage their terror.
their timers restarted,
he gets the bombs carted
to bombers' proud mommies in error.
"
"the snake's just a head with a tail,
showing parts neither female nor male,
so we cannot but vex it
when having to sex it
by tactile techniques used in braille.
"
"our tree-swinging cousin's a fellow
who's mostly mild-mannered and mellow.
should you grab, though, a grape
from a mild, mellow ape,
he will slash you with fangs long and yellow.
"
"squiggled means of expression need praising.
this stanza at which you are gazing,
like all thoughts of jerks ?
even shakespeare's full works ?
used but twenty-six letters. amazing!
"
"in jamaica, and places that you
know as islands bedazzled by blue,
folks invented a soup
that is named for the group
of the leaves it demands (callaloo).
"
"into, once, the polluted old thames
fell two jewel-encrusted drunk femmes.
alimentary waste
slowly turned them to paste,
a sad fate that they shared with their gems.
"
"moira moynes' little boy's swallowed coins.
now the casualty doctor enjoins
her to go home and wait.
when she phones, in a state,
he says, ""no. there's no change yet, ms. moynes.""
"
"though i tried, i could not quite ignore,
as i swam in the severn, a roar
getting louder now. gee,
what on earth could it be?
then it hit me: the great severn bore!
"
"while their twins were at work on new hutches,
a kindly lame vet helped the gutches.
as he healed fluffy bunnies,
the cute little honeys
took saws to his fine wooden crutches.
"
"wendy longed for a puppy (she's three),
so i took her to chinatown. gee,
she rejected, in tears,
the best bargain for years:
""you buy puppy, i give girl one flee.""
"
"my sloth's a slow, cumbersome beast,
who exhibits no haste in the least.
but when hornet invasion
upsets the occasion,
he streaks off like lightning well greased.
"
"the weightlifter's nastiest quirk
was betrayed when he dined after work.
if a waiter got nervous
or gave him bad service,
he'd waiter-lift using the jerk.
"
"now eagles and falcons and hawks
are man's deadliest enemy. talks
have been held on our plight
and the actions we might
take to stop their attacks on our storks.
"
"his muscles could even make muscles,
the bloodless, cold strongman of brussels.
yet i'm sorry to say
that he faded away ?
his corpuscles could not make corpuscles.
"
"other signwriters, taken aback
that dim jack will be painting the plaque,
because tails on glyph q's
with their friz (curls) confuse,
wonder, ""won't q-glyph's friz vex dumb jack?""
"
"we koalas endured when you dipped us,
and some of us did when you snipped us.
but as animals, too,
have their rights in this zoo,
we've a one-word complaint ? eucalyptus!
"
"a mormon was charged for the practice
of winching loud wives up a cactus.
""we would,"" bawled the plaintiffs,
""be thorn-punctured 'slaintiffs'
had god and our voices not backed us!""
"
"lighting campfires is not always fun,
so we're likely, before they're begun,
to have used every match
in the box, although (natch)
we can burn a whole forest with one.
"
"a shy carpenter, shamed by his stammer,
took speech and phonetics and grammar.
greatly helped by all those,
his tongue fully unfroze
when he next hit his thumb with a hammer.
"
"western capitalism was great
when it left rabid reds at the gate.
now we urgently need
to control its great greed
before all men on earth share their fate.
"
"to the guinness book judges wrote stone,
admitting a fact then unknown:
""so base are my drives,
that those twenty-nine wives
i have had, i'm afraid, weren't my own.""
"
"famous gourmet, sir fauntleroy fry,
had ignored the spilled soup on his tie,
but advised with a frown
when it kept running down,
""my dear boy, there's a soup in my fly!""
"
"you are seeking the meaning of bow-wow?
even infants can point out a ""wow-wow""!
if you're still in the dark
that it's dogs and their bark,
maybe you and your parents should pow-wow.
"
"on that beautiful lake, then his own,
lived his beautiful, grasping young joan,
with her beautiful friends
and his beautiful benz.
ugly spiro's now broke ? and alone.
"
"townsfolk need to abbreviate in
llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrn-
drobwllllantysilio-
gogogoch, but will go
the whole hog when the spring tours begin.
"
"there's a loopy-tailed character that
now allows half the planet to chat.
when your e-mails cross seas
and deep oceans with ease,
please remember to thank the great @.
"
"grant me tolerance, lord, when my ben
has a yearning to stray once again.
grant me patience at length,
but do not grant me strength,
or i'll beat him to death, lord. amen.
"
"once a thirty-foot amazon boa
surprised a poor chicle tree groa.
he got stuck to his tree,
so could only shriek, ""eeee!""
and now the poor groa's no moa.
"
"a bitter old spinster named barridge,
who lives with a cat in a garage,
perceives that her fate
became sealed on the date
she deemed marriage an act to disparage.
"
"a swimmer embarked on a quest
to discover which stroke she liked best,
so her coach, with his hands
stroking muscles and glands,
showed the stroke she liked best was the breast.
"
"he once owned, old man (ou ou) o'ouw,
thirteen miles of the orange (the o),
so when farmers pumped water,
he bantered, ""you oughter,
owe o'ouw o' o (ou ou), oh, eau!""
"
"the fair isle of anglesey's home
to wild sea-birds and cliffs and salt foam,
ancient castles and forts,
and some wistful welsh thoughts
about england and vikings and rome.
"
"the baboon, that old red-bottomed goon,
is as mad as a coot in mid-june.
he is grumblingly grumpy
and cravenly jumpy ?
shout b-boo 'n he'll fall in a swoon.
"
"afrikanerdom's such a strange word,
yet its folk are like us, so i've heard.
when they stress, in their land,
""my pen is in my hand"",
it means just what we think. how absurd!
"
"the audacious old circus star got
his brave head in a beastly tight spot,
for the lion just wouldn't
let go ? well, he couldn't,
since he'd missed his last tetanus shot.
"
"though his friends cried, ""you're crazy, o'bellis!
you've put up a view-blocking trellis!""
the nudist miss dornat
(because she got sworn at)
knew mrs. o'bellis was jealous.
"
"do you think the great aztecs and incas
were all such intelligent thinkers?
the truth, i regret,
is some minds were small-set
by sharp shamans and shrunken by shrinkers.
"
"when a manuscript's long and complex, you
make sly annotations and checks. you
assault with your pen
virgin margins and then ?
well, i hope someone catches and decks you.
"
"there was a young lady of tottenham
whose blouses contained quite a lottenham,
so the men on her street
prayed to god for more heat,
since she stripped off those blouses when hottenham.
"
"an ambitious young robber named lou
stole a concorde, but hadn't a clue,
so he went superfrantic
above the atlantic
and pierced the cruel sea at mach 2.
"
"in my fury, i carelessly choose
purveyors of death to abuse.
these monsters i slang
now behead, blast, and hang
guys like me on the ten o'clock news.
"
"when the blade of my mower, mein gott,
broke in half and attacked me, i shot
straight inside, whining, ""jeez!
i've a wrecked ankle! please ? ""
""splendid shape,"" said my wife, ""but so what?""
"
"i'm a whizz, so i'll nickname him ""moose""
because pope is no rhyme for the noose
that awaits this doomed man
in the calaboose (can)
as he hopes that the rope ?
"
"it was not, on old narrowboats, drab in
the family's cramped boatman's cabin.
lovely brasses and laces
adorned the small spaces
the bargeman's proud wife gave him gab in.
"
"in the pool, playing polo, bald fred
made the water ? and faces ? turn red.
it embarrassed those guys,
with their chlorine-dulled eyes,
to have scored a bald goal with fred's head.
"
"you're a bovine old fool, reader. moo!
you're pathetic. i'm speaking to you.
you've a nerve and some cheek
to think... [that's how we speak
when we castigate others. don't sue.]
"
"madge, who's fifty, is grouchy because
all the men who once rushed to applause
when they saw her stride in,
looking fecund and thin,
pause to think now. (she hates men who pause.)
"
"you say god-spurning atheists lust
just for profit and tat till they're dust?
they're well-rounded, i feel,
those whose life-paths reveal
a compassionate non-prophet thrust.
"
"i should never have left on that flight,
for i lost my left limbs and my sight;
well, my left eye was taken,
so though i'm left shaken,
i guess you could say i'm all right.
"
"steve has always, since joining at b,
been a writer who's part absentee.
since he sails the atlantic,
the folks here feel frantic,
afraid that he's lost now at c.
"
"an undersea cable hissed, ""lout!
listen, jumper, i warn you, you're out
of your depth here. be smart ?
stick to cars. now depart.
if you start something here, i shall shout!""
"
"nash was best as a gardener, dale,
so to keep out of debt now, and jail,
as the cabbage price tumbles,
we must (despite grumbles)
make sure we get nash on the kale.
"
"""qwerty worked,"" england's real typists yawned,
""until ibm's own print ads scorned
damaged full-golfball heads'
jumping k's, leaping z's.
x-cajoling vexed brits never mourned.""
"
"his creation was just on its way
when, exhausted, god muttered, ""oy vey!
since this timespan needs seven
new names now, good heaven,
i think i shall call it a day!""
"
"a careful example? just one?
well, be careful, when out in the the sun,
using magnifying glasses
to spot bugs on grasses ?
unless you like insects well-done.
"
"please respect the bereaved. though you're late,
kindly drive through our cemetery gate
at a much safer speed,
since we don't have much need
for dead mourners today. we can wait.
"
"a bocardo's an ancient mnemonic
whose vowels are used as a tonic
(perhaps hypnogogic)
for students of logic,
whom syllogists view as moronic.
"
"in south africa, burglar bars are
as essential as wheels on a car.
every window and door
has them fitted now, for
the south african burglar's a star.
"
"wounded joe wore a bowyang or two
on each leg (as australians do).
cloth or leather, it makes
aussie shins safe from snakes ?
not the claws of a cross kangaroo.
"
"greeting apes, spanky crooner, named fut,
rides his well-boiled new icicle, but
when he's sewn to his sheet
(in that strace down the pleat)
he starts pouring with rain (smirky mut).
"
"you may cark that you'll probably cark,
as that cark's pretty close to the mark,
but to worry you'll die
in the end ? my, oh, my ?
is a drain on your life's precious spark.
"
"""can our can-canny canning clan, nanny,
can a can? can a canner man? can he?""
""can your clan can a can?
can a can-canning man?
why, your cancanning granny can, danny!""
"
"the carry-on bag, called a carryall,
makes tourists now part of a ""tarry all"".
nine-eleven, alas,
means that pains in the ass
are employed now to x-ray and harry all.
"
"folks who hate them should try to be fair,
for our builders of bombs now take care
to avoid harmful stuff,
such as lead, which is rough
on the health of kids blown in the air.
"
"""in my cabinet lies, put away,
cabernet that i purchased today.
when i offer a drink,""
sniffed the wine snob, ""i think
i shall speak of my 'wine cabin?.'""
"
"this word is itself a catastrophe,
for kids often fluff the (alas) -trophe.
some say ""strofe"" after ""catta"",
and some suspect that a
catastrophe's just a cat's ass trophy.
"
"dear, that scheme is distinctly depressing.
the rate's astronomic, i'm guessing.
renting land on uranus
is likely to drain us ?
no, i don't think i'll give it my blessing.
"
"a curse on miss world and miss universe,
those prissified babes who would sooner verse
their fans in world peace
than get drunk on cassis,
for behaviour like theirs can maroon a verse!
"
"if you anger a mom hippopotamess,
she'll leave you, for sure, innalottamess.
be aware if you do,
they'll be pointing at you,
those observers lamenting, ""godwottamess!""
"
"though i've three different meanings for blucher
(coach, marshal, and boot), only snooker
and stuka will rhyme,
so i'm snookered this time,
for old bl?cher commanded no stuka!
"
"he's a bobachee, bobarchee, bobajee,
so even a word-stealing slob ajee
would have to work hard
if he tried to discard
all the names of this cook at a hob ajee.
"
"he called, ""abracadabra!"" despair!
his white rabbit was simply not there.
well aware that he faced
getting mocked, first he paced,
then he frenziedly pulled out his hare.
"
"i'm an authorly authorling favoured
by muses to scribble stuff savoured
from salt lake to skye
thanks to broadband, but i
am more minor in china. i'm david.
"
"boys think girls are a boon to the earth ?
that there's nothing more precious in worth.
they're pretty and sweet
till they get swollen feet
before giving a new girl her birth.
"
"bob's a beetle grub, small rounded blob,
cut-off horse's tail, curtsy of snob,
bobsled, shilling, five pence,
boxing's way to dodge dents.
bob's your uncle! but who's uncle bob?
"
"our punkie crop's shrunk! he ? the monkey,
that spunky grey punk ? he has slunk! he
is quick, and too slick
for the calabash trick!
it is bunk! he's no flunky to punkie!
"
"folks who give and forget i call blessed.
(bums who take and forget i detest.)
souls whose kinda kind deeds
serve their hedge-heaven needs
may be blessed, but i'm much less impressed.
"
"simba's lord of his lions no more,
because africa's unwritten law
forces leaders who're tested
to go when they're bested.
simba left with a half-hearted boar.
"
"a researcher at yale, with machines
and assorted statistical means,
has confirmed that we guys,
whether witless or wise,
are affirmed by wee things in our genes.
"
"""double negatives sometimes, yes, knight,
can be negative,"" barnes said. ""yes, quite.
but two positives? never!
they cannot, lad, ever!""
knight answered, dismissive, ""yeah, right.""
"
"let's discuss the cute girl of dubai
who was bawdy, yet bashful and shy.
not a man the tease met
saw her ? [don't be upset,
but they've censored this. don't ask me why.]
"
"an archimage, rotten right through,
grew enraged, so decided to sue
wailing wives of those dangling
(whom now he'd done mangling)
for blocking his bloody good view.
"
"had you spotted my clues, my rhymes jolly would
have shown you which film mecca's folly would
be featured here. golly,
not hollywood, molly ?
the much bigger film centre, bollywood!
"
"my accommodativeness now
is, i know, insufficient, but how
can i find enough space
to define with good grace
clumsy words that so furrow my brow?
"
"you should stick to this face-saving rule
if you wish, in the spring, to look cool:
don't believe in spaghetti
that falls like confetti
from trees in the alps, april fool!
"
"a confirmed vegetarian, i
must acknowledge that boerewors (sigh)
used to smell and taste good,
as spiced sausages should,
at an afrikaans barbecue (braai).
"
"my colleagues, god bless 'em, will handle
odd titular aspects, and dandle
the earthier meaning
of bra, but i'm leaning
to quantum mechanics (less scandal).
"
"you may smell new exotic aromas
in african compounds called bomas!
whiff the smoke-swirling heat,
sweaty dancers, and meat,
but don't sniff at their drunken ngomas!
"
"the fevered explorer was told,
""i have good news and bad. grab a hold!
that larva you fear
has abandoned your ear ?
it's exploring your brain's every fold.""
"
"a beginner can't doe-eyed foresee
groupings here if jocosity's key.
lend my nimble old pen
quick respect, sweetheart, then
unleashed vowels won't ""xerus"" your z!
"
"lilting love-songs on forest trails rang
as black maidens, in file, sweetly sang.
each balanced a red
earthen pot on her head
lest a boomslang struck downward or sprang.
"
"you will know, if you own your own dog,
that he's easily thrilled and agog.
though asleep on your bed,
just a nod of your head,
and he'll leap off to bark at a mog.
"
"our bombastic brit billionaire blomm backs
a scheme to ""get peasants off pom backs"".
to fulfil farming needs,
he's now shipping them seeds
of the silk-cotton tree, the bold bombax.
"
"most conspire to acquire and retire.
some aspire to inspire and expire.
a few i admire
live alert and afire
with desire to perspire and enquire.
"
"once a boar grimly grunted, ""a warship
is not the best place for my boarship.
if sailors come gunning,
i'll hog all the running ?
or end up as pork on their storeship.""
"
"as a palpably awkward array
marks a stanza that's madly all-a,
batty bards, always daft,
brag, ""an a-canny craft!""
and attract ""crazy, ay! canny, nay!""
"
"boza's not just a turkish delight
but a virus that programmers fight.
happy turks slake their thirst
by imbibing the first;
crappy jerks write the second for spite.
"
"don't you think it's high time for a smile?
or is smiling too much of a trial?
if it is, at least smirk,
for you must let them work,
all those muscles that drain off your bile!
"
"i have to blame you, blepharitis,
that blepharoconjunctivitis
and blepharoplasty
are greek and sound nasty ?
you could have been plain eyeliditis.
"
"the elephant's famed for his trunk,
which he lifts to avoid the odd skunk.
his nostrils are free,
since they're mobile, to flee,
and be other than where the skunk stunk.
"
"bits of biga (say beeg-uh) are eager
to act as a starter. though meagre,
this yesterday's dough,
good italian wives know,
helps today's become, shall we say, biga.
"
"alphabetic demands weren't so great
when pet anagram scribes doted late.
now a lean-care g.p.
is death's better m.d.
and the prince begs a red slaw to mate.
"
"so you know mc squared equals e
and m's mass and e's energy? whee!
and that c's speed of light?
then i am impressed ? quite.
okay, einstein, why's speed spelled with c?
"
"was an abbas an abbess or abbot?
(say ""ab-uhs"" for both.) was it drabbet
an abbas was clothed in ?
and frequently loathed in?
an abbot. yes, drabbet by habit.
"
"besting bull-butchers, blossom believes,
begins best before blade breath bereaves.
because butcheries ban
breathing beef, bloss began
buying bulls before bulls became beeves.
"
"well, for some the famed blarney stone works:
it appears now that one of the perks
for the castle's slick staff
is to kiss it and laugh
as their eloquence packs in the jerks.
"
"have you ever sighed softly, ""i care"",
or's it only your love you declare?
though ""i love you"" is dandy,
it's sometimes just randy.
true caring is precious (and rare).
"
"amanita rubescens, the blusher:
a mushroom, a poisonous crusher.
oh, it's eatable, but
only once for each nut
unaware that it's death's little usher.
"
"now in jail, the abusive don porters
had damaged his skis in rough waters.
after casting around
for replacements, he found
he could ski on the backs of his daughters.
"
"though on skye are two hills with soft crests
which entice men on magical quests,
further south they can dally
in skye's fertile valley,
so don't remain long on her breasts.
"
"bossy martha snapped, ""george, we'll divorce,
unless you drive faster, of course!""
afraid of collision,
he made his decision:
old george put his foot down ? with force.
"
"the way to get rich (should you choose)
is to offer what others refuse.
i have found not a trace
of small boats in this place,
so i'm launching great gobi canoes.
"
"though darwinian selection is blind,
it is not by committee, you'll find.
can camels lack grace
though designed with the place
where they need to survive borne in mind?
"
"we are atheist authors, and know
theists think us irreverent... whoa!
all the wonders unfurled
in this mind-blowing world
make our pantheist awe overflow.
"
"my optician came clean, for it cleanses:
""i confess i have charged you for lenses
prescribed (i'm a brute)
though your eyesight's acute.
it's not right ? but it's paid for my benzes.""
"
"nought one two, three four five, six sevee,
eight nine ay, bee see dee, ee eff gee,
aitch eye jay, kay ell em,
en oh pee, queue are sem,
tee you vee, double you, ex why zee.
"
"england's great university cambridge
gives oxbridge a part of its name (""-bridge"").
ancient oxford does, too,
but that's tough, for i'm through ?
there's no rhyme left for cambridge (i blame ""-bridge"").
"
"though i'm accident-prone and poor rube,
sick in hospital, witnessed my boob,
he's not breathing a word
about what just occurred
as i stand on his oxygen tube.
"
"don't blackball our wits or domains,
for we've taken extravagant pains
to exclude from our verses
gratuitous curses,
unfiltered rude flesh, and spilled brains.
"
"breathless mystics who're yearning for heaven
revere, besides god, number seven,
old bones, the odd cow ?
holy smoke, they avow
their beliefs can make yeastless bread leaven!
"
"don't scuttle from this derivation,
or smoulder in deep concentration.
fallen trees compressed tight
through the aeons' long night
put the coal into coalification.
"
"since nine's greater than six, you can say:
""9 &gt; 6"". that's the way!
less than's quick test will be:
""0 &lt; .3"" ?
yes, it's math and you've just got an a!
"
"if that cobbra struck fast, and you're dead,
or on drips in a hospital bed,
let me tell you that snake
was a man. no mistake.
you were headbutted. cobbra means ""head"".
"
"please don't laugh when i tell you that i
thought (at six) that benign meant a guy
would no longer be eight.
now i know it's the state
of your heart if you sweetly comply.
"
"on the thames, craftsmen fashioned from oak
a projection on timbers ? a coak.
in the stormiest weather
it held ships together,
for sailors prefer not to soak.
"
"when i thought, ""it's a terrible carriageway!""
my lanes-i-so-like-to-disparage way
was hidden, don't fear,
from ms. road engineer,
whom i fancied, but not in a marriage way.
"
"i do not, archimedes, know why
you put marks on your ruler. sir, i
know that trisection tricks
give a trisector kicks,
but why fudge when it's easy as pi?
"
"kim jong-ii isn't ? not by a mile ?
nor iran's spitting mahmoud (pure bile),
whereas i offer thanks
for those wonderful yanks,
because i'm an americophile.
"
"grinning amicability is
now the meat of my guard-doggy biz.
when a fat cat comes near
(because dog food's so dear),
i entice with fresh fish or french fizz.
"
"although fry plaice and braaivleis are rhymes,
in south africa's summery climes,
you will not see much fish
on a barbecue dish ?
meatless braais are regarded as crimes.
"
"dearest coz, i'm aware you're aghast
when i file my lims first (for i'm fast),
so i'll help you feel good,
which a kind cousin should,
and ensure my c-o word comes last.
"
"though you yanks proudly use a corral
for your cows, i must dent your morale.
this iberian loan word
is no more your own word
than kraal is american, pal.
"
"as chemistry's always been my maze,
my thoughts on the enzyme cozymase
aren't deep or exacting:
it's gunk they're extracting
from yeast fermentation in rye/maize.
"
"though my wife gets an obvious buzz
when we argue, i fall in a fuzz.
oh, i have words as well
(in a sense), but it's hell,
for i don't get to use them. she does.
"
"let me put a quick end to your puzzling
concerning the meaning of cozling.
it's what you might call
any cousin who's small
when you're cooing and oohing and nuzzling.
"
"sundry nabobs and snobs ate cabobs
in the heyday of empire. now mobs
eat these skewered delights
at the end of long nights ?
even those on the dole without jobs.
"
"education should aim to enhance
children's thinking. when given the chance,
growing minds can be freed
from a church school's old creed.
teach them wonder and truth ? that's our stance.
"
"hey, david, will you write line two?
sure, waterrocks. next one's for you.
here's the third, then ? that's fine.
so i guess this one's mine.
be my co-author? yes, or i'll sue!
"
"even hanging from horses most scabby
was not, for a cabbie, that shabby,
but hanging today
from a horse, stuffed with hay,
would perhaps make a cabby quite crabby.
"
"sp@ f@ m@t, ""th@ c@ sh@ on th@ m@!""
where@ p@ sp@ @ m@t, ""wh@ a pr@!
th@'s a r@, not a c@!""
@ th@, m@t bl@ted, ""dr@!""
and th@ c@ spl@ted sc@ in p@'s h@.
"
"i hated that texan bread, corndodger,
which made me a gutless forlorn dodger,
since boiled, fried or baked,
i consumed it (and ached),
less a corndodger dodger than scorn dodger.
"
"our gods seem remiss, i'm afraid.
ussher's god (with a big g) delayed
till 4004
before christ his big chore ?
although cosmic time seemed undismayed.
"
"i've been told ? by a layman, alas ?
that your steak becomes chyme, a soft mass,
thanks to chymification.
your gut's its location,
since that's on the route to your ass.
"
"oh, i'm proud that my daughter enthralls
all her clients, but somehow it galls
that she's openly saying
she's a call girl. i'm praying
that her call-centre job quickly palls.
"
"some declare the game coddem (from ""cod 'em"")
a hoax and a humbug, but sod 'em.
it's honestly played
with a few hands arrayed,
one concealing a coin. then you prod 'em.
"
"though combustion chambers aren't great for metre,
they're hot in a jet or two-seater.
here the gaseous fuel
ignites as boys duel
with tomcat or triumph 3-litre.
"
"when their splitting in two is achievable,
their bust-apart halves both perceivable
(i'll breast the bare fact,
leaving cleavage intact),
then the pair to be parted are cleavable.
"
"though it makes even cat lovers quail,
pussy's caterwaul doesn't derail
the designs of his/her
yearning lover-in-fur ?
no, there isn't a twist to the tale!
"
"by the time that you've reached my conclusion,
i fear there'll have been an intrusion
sy fl,alkdh x<dokte
apkjsfuj mt kogivq; hgoktw
you've now got a feel for confusion.
"
"if you time, say, the shifts of a docker,
or horse races, or (here's a shocker)
you practise slick wiles
such as turning back miles
on a car, you are known as a clocker.
"
"little leonard had one harmless fault:
he enjoyed pickling bugs (using salt).
but one day, in a jar,
leonard took things too far
when he pickled an aunt (using malt).
"
"appalled, doctor fleisch, cried, ""it's raw!
i detest seeing blood! i'll withdraw
if you show me that gash
on your nose, mister nash!""
then he fainted, our doctor of law.
"
"on the slopes of the french pyrenees,
bob did six spinning backflips with ease,
but he sniffed, ""i'm not proud,""
to the chilled, cheering crowd,
""since my jump was propelled by a sneeze.""
"
"the cheeks of the anthropoid bottom
saved humankind face when we got 'em.
the odd parts they conceal
would, perhaps, make us feel
quite embarrassed should ever we spot 'em.
"
"if ben holders saw beauty in boulders,
he'd shrug his artistic young shoulders
so as not to provoke
crasser viewers to joke,
""beauty's just in the eye of b. holders!""
"
"a thrifty young temptress from shoreham
made newspaper hotpants, and wore 'em.
when news got around,
male admirers soon found
that the news seemed no longer to bore 'em.
"
"it has rained cats and dogs. okay, fine,
but can carp (yes, that's us) safely dine
on this flea-bitten food?
if you think carping's rude,
we shall stop (if you drop us a line).
"
"when magicians shout, ""abracadabra!""
odd objects, like lit candelabra,
disappear in a puff ?
damn! i don't have enough
valid rhymes to end off with an ""-abra""!
"
"""you believe you're bugs bunny, and hop?""
asked my doctor, a freudian flop.
""well, i really don't think
you have need of a shrink.
if you cut out the carrots, you'll stop.""
"
"for to be to be tickety-boo,
say ""i am"" (for ""i is"" is non-u).
it is life's shortest sentence,
and risks no repentance
like this one, the longest: ""i do.""
"
"you are cogitabund, yes, you are,
even thinking of going so far
as to master a word
of which no one has heard.
you're so deeply in thought it's bizarre!
"
"why is charlatanism ignored?
are my colleagues all busy ? or bored?
blushing charlatans, they
maybe don't wish to say
cheating's something they all have explored.
"
"comprehendible's just what you see:
comprehensible spelled with a d.
your failure to gasp
means it's easy to grasp,
so you don't need instruction from me.
"
"pronounce coney just so ? or like honey.
spell it e-lessly, too, namely cony.
what these fluffy words mean
i suspect you will glean
on the hop when i rhyme them with bunny.
"
"there's a whole lot of -oaching in coaching:
encroaching on athletes, reproaching.
some, coaching, attest
that they're coaching their best
when approaching and broaching ? then poaching.
"
"okay, students, now let's be meticulous
concerning the latin colliculus.
it's a small elevation
above any station ?
not railway, you dolt! that's ridiculous!
"
"though losing a cord by cordectomy
still seems like a pain in the neck to me,
i doubt it's just vocals
they'll take under locals ?
seems it's any old cord that's a wreck to me.
"
"a conundrum leaves folks in the dark ?
even god, as his creatures embark:
""can i really afford
to let shipworms aboard
noah's wholly unholey old ark?""
"
"you believe that our bible's not true?
then i think this is what you should do,
if you're brave enough, friend:
read it through to the end ?
it will frighten the hell out of you.
"
"i've a dream ? like the reverend king.
yet it's not just that white racists bring
color blindness to bear,
but that all racists dare
to evolve so his dream can take wing.
"
"you need to say chumly for cholmondeley,
though spelling it -umly's uncolmondeley.
hugh was lord delamere,
kenya's game-shooting peer;
his heir thomas shoots africans glolmondeley.
"
"i, confusionist more than confucianist,
can tell you he's no retributionist.
he's mostly chinese,
and he feels ill at ease
with traducianist-sin resolutionist.
"
"roll a circle, a line that is round,
on an inner circumference bound
by a radius twice
the amount (be precise)
of the circle's for paths that astound.
"
"though an airfoil (a wing) provides lift,
the dynamics of air, when it's swift,
inflict friction as well,
which designers can quell
when this drag's such a drag that they're miffed.
"
"the part of you labelled corporeal
is covered by items sartorial.
suppose it were not
when the weather was hot...
you would notice that folks were censorial.
"
"say snipper nips nipper with clipper,
or stripper rips zipper of sipper:
then nipper pips, tearful,
while sipper tips, cheerful.
though nipper flips, sipper is chipper.
"
"churring, chirruping, chittering chook;
chuffing, chaffering, chattering rook;
chirping, chitchatting sparrow;
your cheeps cheaply harrow
my cat, who's permitted to look!
"
"though he used to be churchlessly smirchy,
he's searching for christ now, a search he
decided to make
for his soul's sinful sake.
now on sundays he's churlishly churchy.
"
"stress the col, please, of colporter, for
prickly peddlers of bibles abhor
being called a ""coal porter"",
believing folks oughter
not blacken their colportage corps.
"
"when the pin on that u-coupling clevis
collapsed, the knight injured his brevis.
and his head suffered, too,
in the way that heads do
when they're under a falling pontlevis.
"
"the word caprifoliaceous, good gracious,
has zillions of rhymes. the bodacious
great honeysuckle (oops)*
is amongst the plant groups
claimed by latin's voracious old -aceous.
"
"it has never been known as a glam shaft,
but nor is it cursed as a damn shaft.
this valve-timing thingy
can't make your car pingy
(no knock). so no knocking the camshaft!
"
"once a punk who had spunk stole a skunk
from the trunk of a monk who was drunk.
in bad odour and funk,
he slam-dunked mrs. skunk
on the bunk of the monk, whom she stunk.
"
"don't think for a moment a bobo
is any old bozo or slow bo.
though partly bohemian,
he seldom seems dreamy in
demanding the best. he's no hobo.
"
"kids in need deeply need each supplied
secret letter on view. eagle-eyed
readers easily should
peg enhanced caring ('). would
i tend, oops, respect's t? well, i tried.
"
"velikovsky had leaped to great heights,
arcing close to the glaring hot lights.
as he fell into view,
what a hullabaloo ?
they had melted his pink nylon tights!
"
"so they say one in ten men is mad ?
barmy, batty, bananas. i'm sad
to reveal i've one friend
(one of nine) round the bend ?
though i'm also, of course, rather glad.
"
"if you think that the tenor caruso
once wet his great whistle with ouzo,
you're wrong, for this guy
was italian and (sigh)
you can't booze with a musical muse, oh!
"
"even starry-eyed dolts* who rhyme wanker
with africa's great casablanca
think bogart is it,
but the locals could spit ?
it's for history, not humphrey, they hanker.
"
"as you lie there now, granny, white hair
softly billowing still, i just stare
at the dear fading face
that no god could replace,
still awash in the love that flowed there.
"
"very tactful was no pterodactyl.
it would seize alarmed prey and would hack till
its brood were all fed,
after which nothing fled
till the time that it wouldn't be back till.
"
"come to baku on caspian sea!
(no more soviet union.) now we
good for tourists, you bet!
you will not, please, forget
sample samovar caspian tea!
"
"canon cantwell cantankerously
canvassed cannibals cannibally.
canny cannibal chancers,
chanting ""cannular cancers!""
cancelled cannibals' candidacy.
"
"brainlessness, ben, leaves you loth
to regard words of wisdom, my oath!
when in bed, wide awake
and distended, just take
soporifics or brooklax ? not both!
"
"the word callow, because of its -allow,
reminds us of sallow and shallow,
yet its meaning's not bad,
and might label a lad
who's impressed less by girls than marshmallow.
"
"some doctors of dubious doing
routinely have patients who're suing.
the few who aren't plaintiffs
can't pay to maintain tiffs,
but do sit in court loudly booing.
"
"the handcuffed young widow of keith,
on his premature grave, laid a wreath.
she cried, anguished, wild-eyed,
""he would not (sob) have died
if he'd been, when i shot, underneath!""
"
"many food critics english folk follow
have two things in common: they wallow
in any alignment
that shows their refinement,
and choose in dire french all they swallow.
"
"callous khan, when osama's swine rang,
built a bomb and then called in the gang.
they had trusted khan's skill
as a terrorist till
they went in and went out with a bang.
"
"shearers long to cry out, ""go to hell, sheep!
i've had it now, mate! darn, they smell, sheep!""
they await, though, the peal
of the bell to reveal
that their shift ends with this sheep ? the bell sheep.
"
"a famed feminist's common complaint
is that boy toy she bloody well ain't.
though no plaything for men,
she resists a bit when
frazzled toy-boys request her restraint.
"
"though their catch-as-catch-can leads to petting,
my colleagues, of course, aren't forgetting
it's wrestling as well,
which is not quite as swell,
for a girlfriend would find it upsetting.
"
"bombs will always wreak mayhem and blommer, bill,
and some may get dropped on your momma, bill,
since targeting plans
feature kids and their grans,
because nuclear families are bombable.
"
"this old joke should elicit your ""aw!""
once a three-legged mongrel growled, ""maw,
yes, i know i am lame,
but just give me the name
of the cowboy who shot my poor paw!""
"
"though bostangi (boss-tan-jee) were turks
who were sometimes just smug little clerks,
guarding sultans whose palace
could seethe with sly malice
more often gave rise to their smirks.
"
"though these islands are known as canary,
with names it is wise to be wary.
romans didn't, i've heard,
confuse canine and bird ?
no canaries canary's that scary.
"
"you're ambitious? is that what you say?
well, then make events happen your way.
most just watch things unfold,
while a few, not as bold,
simply wonder what happened today.
"
"the dutchman has claimed from the sea
fertile acres that used not to be,
but each dyke he employs,
places little dutch boys'
nervous thumbs under pressure to flee.
"
"my camel's a grouse and a grump
who won't gambol or gallop or jump
when he's horribly hobbled
by wetly bewobbled
warm water awash in his sump.
"
"""quit your job!?"" shrieked my ma (in fact, twice),
just concerned about rent money ? nice.
but her warnings of doom
haven't caused me much gloom ?
i'm so broke that i can't pay the price.
"
"peepil say that my spelings apauling ?
and even atroshus. thats gauling.
ime just a bad typist
wenever i try pissed.
i no its appalling. stop skwauling!
"
"coriolis and force should divorce.
you can fly round in circles, of course,
but this spurious thing
won't have helped you take wing
though you spin it as ""force"" till you're hoarse.
"
"although godship i can understand,
since a god always gets to command,
i'm a little perplexed
by the -ship that comes next
because corporalship sounds a bit grand.
"
"egypt's president gamal a. nasser sighs,
""your mural, you mule with the ass's eyes,
is modern, not classic,
and your nile looks thalassic!
now repaint it, muhammad ? and classicize!""
"
"although koe-klee-koe's right for a brit,
your kah-klee-koe, yank, is legit.
now coquelicot's meaning
is ready for gleaning:
it's red, tinged with orange a bit.
"
"comprecation's a thing that folks can
do together if praying's their plan.
sharing prayer is ? what?
no, it's certainly not
that which complicates things in japan!
"
"the chinkara, mostly called chikara:
an indian deer. the odd bickerer
still argues it's great
only dead on his plate,
and its four horns amuse the odd snickerer.
"
"only those with a broad scottish brogue
can confirm that the cog's not in vogue.
for some long-ago folk,
such a vessel of oak
was a pail or a cup (same as cogue).
"
"when the greeks were still ancient there stood
to the west of atlantis a wood
of old bristlecone pines
that predated divines
such as zeus ? and they're still looking good!
"
"when computers refuse to compute,
and my fury's becoming acute,
i am not one who smoulders
by giving cold shoulders,
preferring a well-aimed cold boot.
"
"i assure you this meaning is guessable,
for surely you see in concessible
the core of concede?
now concede that with speed,
and you'll find that i'm pretty impressible.
"
"now my aunt doesn't visit. her copter
is sadly the thing that has stopped her.
when a gust caught its rotor,
with help from the motor,
it chopped her, then ? shudder ? it topped her.
"
"it's no marxist amphibian ? just
what you'd do if you hankered to bust
and reduce to small pieces
your two nasty nieces.
you'd comminute both in disgust.
"
"when they charged off crusading, knights felt
that a wife who was winsomely svelte
would be chased impolitely
by paramours knightly ?
or be chaste in a chastity belt.
"
"though there's little as sweet as shy boyishness,
or equal in sighing enjoyishness,
as lovely for me,
and i think you'll agree,
is the cuteness of little-girl coyishness.
"
"a closet auger, also called snake,
will release what your toilet won't take.
it's a plumber's tool which
only dumber fools ditch ?
and those blockheads all rue their mistake.
"
"though pastry delights might destroy less
if only they'd creamily cloy less,
a cloyless cake diet
is crummy ? just try it.
your taste buds will tingle with joy less.
"
"though the cock before fighting's a fowl,
when those cockfighting featherbrains yowl,
it's foul pricks who're competing
and sady defeating
man's hopes of transcending a howl.
"
"the burbot, a not very bony fish,
is eel-like, and doubly a phony fish:
it used to be called ?
for it holed up, when galled,
like a rabbit in riverbanks ? cony-fish.
"
"conjugality's not their normality,
for formality's not their morality;
many couples today
stay unmarried and say
that legality's often venality.
"
"you could show me your own sweet benevolence
by viewing with mirth, not malevolence,
my whacky line five
and its rhyme-word. please strive
to be kind when i call in the elephants.
"
"commensality's rare now. it's sad.
sharing meals with your mum and your dad
gives you time to be heard,
and to bond undeterred
by the vacuous squawk of an ad.
"
"what's a bath towel? duh. just a towel.
yes, of course you can have my avowal
that it's big and for baths!
(lexicographers' paths
include laying things on with a trowel!)
"
"spud's pugnaciously spoiling to fight,
acting sassily crassly despite
looking more like a fool
than a dude who's real cool.
chippy combativeness is his blight.
"
"there's a setting of muscles maxillary
quite often when parts codicillary
of wills are read out.
those excluded all pout
at the loss of, say, heirlooms armillary.
"
"commensurable, metres and feet
are assuredly not. when you mete,
common standards are needed,
so yards should be heeded
with feet ? if you like obsolete.
"
"though the first of two meanings of chinch
(""parsimonious"") won't make you flinch,
beastly bedbugs that feed
on your blood while you bleed
will, i think, make you shudder and squinch.
"
"it's that bum-freezer jacket sans collar (oh,
now frequently found in the dollar row
of flea market stalls)
that your british pal calls
(as you holler, ""oh, oll-uh-roh!?"") bolero.
"
"though the black forest's titisee lake,
and its mountains and trees, no mistake,
are spectacular features,
a few empty creatures
like me prefer black forest cake.
"
"if i failed to point out, by contrivancy,
that colleagues had not said that -ivancy
can also take e
in connivency, gee,
i'd be guilty myself of connivancy.
"
"columbium ore's columbiferous,
and also, of course, metalliferous
(niobiferous, too,
for niobium, phew,
is columbium, say the vociferous).
"
"knowing concave from convex is easy:
seal a con in a cave... easy-peasy.
but the con would be vexed
if it bulged (and perplexed),
for such con-caves that con-vex ain't breezy!
"
"anorganognosy, greeks can't have guessed,
needs the nog in its name to be stressed.
it's the study of things
inorganic, and brings
anorganography in to attest.
"
"""when you start your computer, boot dos,""
sighed my wife, ""for i don't give a toss,
but i'd not get a kick
from your joke, david."" quick
as a flash i said, ""sure you would, dos.""
"
"conveniency means a convenience,
but now i must ask for your lenience,
since ending here's not.
[note from editor: ""what?
you are, david, a rhymeless has-beenience!""]
"
"i've been feeling, though ill and all-overish,
still sheepishly race-my-new-roverish.
but my wife's put her foot down
instead, and her put-down,
i think, was too whip-cracking droverish.
"
"rhymed always, now aptly, with louse,
the word chiaus (also choush) gave us chouse
for a messenger first,
then a swindler who's cursed
(or the swindle itself) when folks grouse.
"
"things that stand on a single straight line
are colinear. wags could assign
such a property to
things at present in view:
all this line-sharing wordage of mine.
"
"though i should be au fait with cordotomy,
most -otomies mean not a jot to me.
there are hundreds, that's why ?
okay, two hundred, sigh,
but it still seems a hell of a lot to me.
"
"i have contraconscientiously started
this verse with an adverb uncharted
except by a few
at the oed, who
can't accuse me of being fainthearted.
"
"though this trait, when it's present, is not
often mentioned now, those who ain't got
any pity today,
or a conscience, we say,
lack compunction ? and don't give a jot.
"
"if you're desperate to prove that you care
when a loved one's alone, in despair,
then suppress your own needs
and let words become deeds.
if you care, you will strive to be there.
"
"this ordnance, though rhyming with doe horn,
was blow-up horn more than a blow-horn ?
a portable mortar
men named (as men oughter)
to honour its maker, named coehorn.
"
"say cuh-rye-vuhl (or otherwise coh-)
for corrival/co-rival, and know
that these rivals who're equal
to others in cheek will
perhaps want the hyphen to go.
"
"it's a warfaring concept, a boat lane;
a striking-force-fully-afloat lane;
a path on the ocean
for landing-craft motion
aimed beachwards; an airplanes-take-note lane.
"
"when his baffy seems bafflingly scaffy,
he raffles that baffy, mad taffy.
this means he is found,
if his club scrapes the ground,
madly raffling ? or snaffling a daffy.
"
"she can sit on the edge of her chair
drawing right-handed sixes in air
while her right foot rotates
smoothly clockwise, she states.
she co-ordinates both? not a prayer!
"
"i have just been invited ? no, told ?
to define the two words shown in bold,
but the clock time is four
and i don't wish to bore
as inane explanations unfold.
"
"if attainable, gainable, wainable,
obtainable, and unexplainable
can squeeze in okay,
then their fit, i would say,
is sustainable... yes, they're containable.
"
"one's a ""kok-six"", spelled coccyx, and two
become ""kok-si-jeez"", coccyges. you
say ""kok-sij-ee-uhl"", then,
for coccygeal when
things pertain to this bum-bone. few do.
"
"though the cordiform tag, if you're smart,
will evoke a swift arrow or dart
loosed by venus's cupid,
to we who are stupid,
it simply means ""shaped like a heart"".
"
"there's a measure called critical speed,
which machine manufacturers heed.
only barristers grin
when components that spin
break apart and their customers bleed.
"
"the once feared, now unhorsed, chevalier
is a knight antimonarchists jeer.
if he whipped out his sword
in the palace (dear lord!),
he'd excite the odd queen ? but not fear.
"
"do an ambigram last line on whom, mom?
on japanese wrestling's lost bloom, mom?
one blob-of-lard fatso
weaves wool now? is that so?
wow, wool sumo dollop owns loom, mom?
"
"i had asked, ""is it working now, liz?""
so my eight-year-old comedy whiz
sat and watched, like the thinker,
my on-the-blink blinker:
""yes, it is . . . no, it's not . . . yes, it is . . . ""
"
"lexicographers haven't till now
picked up coping tiles (don't ask me how).
they're the edge ones around
pools we build in the ground.
now they're listed i'll take a quick bow.
"
"this example of bootlessness may
clearly show it means fruitlessness: say
i attempted to squeeze
on my final line (jeez)
floccinaucinihili?. no way!
"
"russian chetverts, those measures of yore,
were confusing to peasants. what's more,
they weren't four point three nought
one nine three ? as they thought ?
of a whatsit, but nought one nine four.
"
"since nudity needn't be crudity,
a state of bare baseness and rudity,
please note, if you're stressed
by a dancer undressed:
claiming nudity's crudity's prudity.
"
"coprophagy's what the scatophagous
coprophagans dig while coprophagous.
though dung beetles do it,
i think you would rue it ?
you'd cough up your guts and oesophagus.
"
"men are tiresome. their wives, unenthralled
by male ego and hair loss, when galled,
have remarked they're like tires:
they belong, too, on pyres
when they're over-inflated and bald.
"
"there's a company symbol a-go-go
that is seen from two regions classed no-go
(area 51's base
and low orbital space):
colonel sanders's corporate logo.
"
"when a soldier, a long time ago,
was in buff ? i suspect you don't know ?
he was not fighting bare
with exposed derriere,
but in buff coat, with breeches below.
"
"sexy ""hourglass"" figures? god rot 'em!
we women, alas, who have got 'em
soon notice, indeed,
that our contents proceed
over time to flow down to the bottom.
"
"as a lexical lyricist, i
may admit to a satisfied sigh
when i find words like crunkle,
whose sputter and spunk'll
delight those who've heard a crane cry.
"
"when a sad maya yam sighed, ""i am
but a backward reflection of mam,""
he had written with caps,
in a mirror, perhaps:
maya momma, i am, mom, a yam.
"
"appropriateness? would a jew
with a fondness for humour still rue
a good holocaust joke,
were there one to invoke?
i know i wouldn't crack one. would you?
"
"sad it's backward? so, truly, am i.
bad (and barmy) are bardlets, we sigh.
now will shakespeares heed few,
how words shrivel! we do!
mad are wordsmiths ? all harebrained (or high).
"
"yes, the salesman, i fear, was quite right
to suspect that my brother's not bright.
""this guy's backward,"" he thought
when poor jonathon bought
a new scarf and complained, ""it's too tight!""
"
"an anachorism isn't ? not quite ?
an anachronism. let's get them right...
snow in egypt's the first,
while a film-pharaoh's thirst
is the second ? if quenched by a sprite.
"
"though they're both pronounced coe-duh-suhl, these
are as different as pork is from peas.
one is tacked to your will
when your kin make you ill;
one's a body with geek expertise.
"
"i'm a brit, so for me to say ee-duh
for ee-tuh, as you say cahita,
ain't easy, dear yanks.
now i haven't space (thanks!!!)
to explain why this ends se?orita.
"
"if you struggle a little ""protractilely""
to use your two pinkie-tips tactilely
because they both bend
at the joints near the end,
your affliction is called clinodactyly.
"
"lovely lamb's lettuce, also called corn salad,
will liven a limply forlorn salad.
little lambs like its leaves
in the spring, but odd sheaves
can be sheepishly filched to adorn salad.
"
"though you shriek, ""this rhyme is consonantal!""
its vowels, you dimwit, dismantle
your consonant claims!
such inconsonant games
will assist you no more than your rant'll!
"
"once, in dachau, i passed with a sigh
under chilling words: arbeit macht frei.
then i slumped down and wept
for lost cousins, all swept
under evil's dread talons to die.
"
"armoured chlamyphores put up with hair,
but they'd tear it all out in despair
if they knew half the ways
people name them these days.
armoured 'dillos like folks to be fair.
"
"with chirognomy, charlatans claim,
they can read any man. it's a shame
that my balled-up right hand
never warned them i planned
to remind them that fisted hands maim.
"
"if you hear eerie howls that seem floaty
in moonlight, perhaps, or just throaty,
it's surely a brush wolf
at whom you shout, ""shush, wolf!""
or, ""can it, you crazy coyote!""
"
"castle doctrine: some liberals still
often weep or become wildly shrill
when they hear of a thug
who got holed by a slug
from a homeowner licensed to kill.
"
"the blenny's a fish that is blenniid,
this suffix referring, like any -id,
to family links ?
blennioidei, methinks,
the blennioids' two-for-a-penny -id.
"
"friends, i'm not just facetious to say
the word caesious hasn't, no way,
any cause to be blue,
though it's blue to the view.
did you notice its vowel display!?
"
"""i can add,"" said my dad, ""so i shan't
let you say it's genetic! don't rant!
don't blame me you can't add,
for there's three types of lad:
those who can, and then those who just can't.""
"
"""torch the paint on my porch,"" said my dad
to the painter's louche labouring lad.
there ensued a commotion
as dad, with emotion,
boomed, ""no! not my porsche! are you mad?""
"
"few americans use the word beanfeast.
to britons it's always a keen feast.
they say even the queen's
known to favour baked beans
for her breakfast or any between-feast.
"
"like myriad words we now use,
biped's latin, yet shouldn't confuse,
for it's simple and neat,
and a noun that's complete,
meaning beasts with two feet (or two shoes).
"
"now cr- has been opened up, so
let me check on how far i can go...
ah, crystoleum. this
was a process some miss
for preserving (in glass) baby joe.
"
"""boanerges (pronounced boh-uh-nur-jeez)
was famed for his orator's urge. he's
a biblical fellow
whose penchant to bellow
once influenced querulous clergies.""
"
"the bible's a gruesome old book,
as you'll see if you bother to look.
god's unmoved when men rape
little maidens. don't gape,
for i'll show you what no god should brook.
"
"arsinoitheria hysteria
occurs not in zoos or aquaria.
folks search for old rhinos
(it's no skin off my nose)
in fossil-filled cliffs in my area.
"
"there's a yelp. the dog's leaping about.
one more yelp! wife screams, ""sit!"" kids both shout.
flames and smoke. ""stand well clear!
the extinguisher's here!""
spray the dog! chaos reigns. i pass out!
"
"when my dad joined a circus, he rode
on his motorbike in an odd mode.
round the wall of death zipped,
centrifugally gripped,
sideways up, aok till he slowed.
"
"deeds of courage, deservedly praised,
across history's pages are blazed.
this one adds to the count.
suribachi's the mount
where the star-spangled banner was raised.
"
"by the light of the silvery moon,
neil armstrong, reluctant to croon,
said with modest elan,
""that's one small step for man.""
added, ""cheese? no, it's rock! see you soon.""
"
"online dating just drives me berserk
to the point where i think i'm a jerk.
i am fairly well-heeled,
even more sex-appealed,
but my gsoh doesn't work!
"
"there's an underarm instrument thing
guaranteed to ensure lassies cling.
as you squeeze, bagpipes skirl
and you'll pull any girl.
och! a blow job that ends with a fling!
"
"""what does all this add up to?"" i said
as my wife pushed him out of our bed.
i continued to watch
as she carved a new notch,
then she said, ""ninety-three."" so i fled.
"
"were those kitty hawk people aware
of the epic unfolding out there?
when the wright brothers flew
into history, they knew.
the first aeroplane took to the air.
"
"i arrive, sign the book, go inside,
thank the staff for the care they've supplied.
""mum. hello."" she just smiles,
reaches out across miles,
and our hands bridge a widening divide.
"
"ugh! this peace pipe is giving me grief,
for i choke on this slow burning leaf.
i inhale nonetheless,
which i hope will impress
this american indian chief.
"
"like vignette penners ain't no ""vignetrists"",
novelette authors ain't ""noveletrists"".
yet folks who write good ?
good as me, i guess ? could
maybe be (from belles-lettres) belletrists.
"
"although chippendalism, for me,
is no vision of guys hanging free,
girls will picture undressing
more likely, i'm guessing,
than chairs made by chippendale, t.
"
"it is not only plebs who are callous.
there's a lady in buckingham palace
who, for fun, loves dispatching
pheasants earmarked, from hatching,
to thoughtless destruction (sans malice).
"
"why rhymy y rhythms? why try?
my syzygy's spry, by my cry.
y's glyphs ply my syth,
scry myrrhy-sylph myth ?
shy sky nymphs fly spryly, by y!
"
"bobby-dazzlers bedazzle most bobbies,
plus christophers, richards, and robbies.
they're radiant girls,
cutely dressed ? some with curls ?
who will often write ""men"" under ""hobbies"".
"
"artificial intelligence, man,
has achieved the i.q. of a flan.
it's a brainless fool who
thinks that a.i. can do
what his natural stupidity can.
"
"to his madam, those strange parts of adam
fulfilled not the reason he had 'em.
with his third rib torn free,
eve reflected that he
might have had 'em had adam had madam.
"
"yes, we do define words like bosthoon,
so our work is becoming a boon
to all word-lovers who
seek for answers, like you:
he's an ignorant, tactless buffoon.
"
"blenheim palace (that's blen-uhm to you)
isn't cool as a pad, dude, it's true,
but it has got a claim
on hip woodstock's great name ?
and some churchill guy lived there once, too.
"
"i'm too whizz-dazzled frazzled to razz
buzzing blizzards of z-razzmatazz:
zizzy zyzzyva's izzards,
buzz buzzard's frizzed gizzards ?
zizzing ""buzzwords"" with jazzy pizzazz!
"
"all those gum-splats i cannot abide.
it's the chewing gum company i'd
pin the blame on, and so
to its office let's go,
stick complaints to the pavement outside!
"
"after william tell's bolt sliced its way
through the apple, his son yelled, ""hooray!""
will ate half with a crunch;
scoffed the rest with his lunch.
""well, the doc says to eat one a day.""
"
"i can sense that my birth's drawing near!
water breaks! i'm about to appear!
it's a time to rejoice!
what's that sound? it's a voice!
""look! a girl! you've a daughter! she's here!""
"
"my advice? pull the plug. don't delay.
face the facts. call it off. walk away.
go for broke. take pot luck.
play it cool. pass the buck.
go to hell. take a hike. make my day.
"
"though they can, as their blades spin around
through the air with a rhythmical sound,
move (or hover) in flight
back and forth, left or right,
choppers still need a pad on the ground.
"
"why talk apathy? who needs to know?
what's the difference? they'll still steal the show.
things are always resolved.
why should i get involved?
c'est la vie, pal. i'll go with the flow.
"
"when a bonsai class started at school
in the evenings, i joined. it was cool,
but while pruning, this guy
drew a sword, screamed, ""banzai!""
before challenging me to a duel!
"
"final job. rob a bank. then no more.
someone snitched. i was jailed. zero score.
now, though short on esteem,
i am linked to a team
breaking rocks. that's what chain gangs are for.
"
"a brigade is a mix of troops who
have specific objectives in view.
several regiments merge,
then as one force they surge
to attack, shell and charge till they're through.
"
"from the language we read, write or speak
flow the words we have, sometimes, to seek.
where high fashion's concerned,
from the french we have learned
to describe well-dressed women as chic.
"
"the blind mystic's monistic synoptic,
a panoptic synoptic in coptic,
would thrill the eristic,
theistic, ill mystic,
were copt cystic optics orthoptic.
"
"abbreviation is such a long word
that its function is often transferred
to the shorter-by-far
spelling abbr.,
and abbrev., an abbrev. quite absurd.
"
"now you cannot be bothered to care
about life, are unable to share
all the dreams hearts ordain,
as you once could, the pain
that has shrivelled your soul is despair.
"
"no, deticker is not, folks, the heart.
a deticker is heartless ? and smart.
he will rip from his pet
the most loathsome pest yet,
then ? ticked off ? he will tear it apart.
"
"no, you wouldn't go out with a ""dang!""
if a nitwit (or terrorist gang)
lobbed some cyclonite onto
your house, though you'd want to!
you would, though, go out with a bang.
"
"it's my duty to help you sigh, ""ah!""
by explaining the meaning of dha.
it's a short, heavy sword
that can open a gourd
or fell forests in burma. say, ""ta.""
"
"on this site we are asked to define
the meaning of words, but i pine
to make only jokes,
which often provokes
a plea that i toe the darned line.
"
"due to mushrooms in hindsight quite reddish,
ned's suddenly looking less neddish.
having made the same error,
i wait now in terror
of also becoming as deadish.
"
"""human cannonball, bob? i'm astounded,
as well,"" said my friend, ""as confounded.
do you have, for that job,
the right calibre, bob?""
""oh, i think so,"" i said. ""i'm well-rounded.""
"
"in his world-record bid, freddie failed,
despite the great height that he sailed,
for the pole vaulting rules
are enforced by old fools
who disqualify those who're impaled.
"
"bible-thumpers are short in supply.
""trust the old-time religion!"" they cry.
""renounce sex, lust and sin!""
(but before i begin,
to be fair, i should give them a try!)
"
"there's an encore we older guys dread
and it's called for, most often, in bed.
you've scored ten out of ten,
then she whispers, ""again.""
answers, please ? all replies will be read.
"
"al capone was a guy who would choose
to make offers you couldn't refuse.
it was best to decline
such a hot valentine:
""line 'em up, and i'm not talking booze.""
"
"my conclusions once more you pre-empt,
like my previous drafts, not exempt
from pedantic critique;
it's perfection you seek.
i'm cheesed off, so no more i'll attempt.
"
"it's a mix-up, a cock-up: a mess
which you carelessly failed to address.
it's a plan gone awry.
it's a kite that won't fly.
do i think it's a balls-up? oh, yes!
"
"on a radar set's screen there are blips
corresponding to aircraft or ships,
and providing two don't
merge and vanish, it won't
add to records of incomplete trips!
"
"one-eyed men, though of limited sight,
make the most of their ocular plight.
every time that they blink
it's construed as a wink,
which is why they're not lonely at night.
"
"one for you, two for me ? don't look sore.
round again ? three for you, i get four.
don't complain, try to smile
as my much larger pile
proves my avarice helps me grab more.
"
"i am dating a delicate dish who's
dependent on cough sweets and tissues.
to stop the germs flowing,
she's frequently blowing
her nose to pre-empt her atishoos.
"
"if a chap with chapped lips tries to chat,
p's and b's can exacerbate that
cracked, dry skin on his lips,
so he shouldn't say  blips,
props, beelzebub, propane or brat.
"
"swing that prop! let's go flying today!
your first time? i'm a pro. you're okay.
what's that noise? something squeals!
wedge-shaped blocks jam the wheels!
kick 'em out! get back in! chocks away!
"
"one more bend! got the race in the bag.
feel a bump! that was close! lose my rag.
pull across, nudge his wheel.
he brakes hard. tyres squeal.
kiss my arse and hello chequered flag!
"
"from remembrance day, what do we learn ?
and what good did the armistice earn?
for though poppies descend,
how can your grieving end
if your loved one was not to return?
"
"to be chivied so loudly feels wrong,
and i hate this repetitive song.
if that sergeant once more
bellows, ""hup, two, three, four!""
i'll go awol for sure, before long.
"
"i'm expecting the line's gist below,
for it echoes the line above, so
that the following line,
above-cited, is fine?
but my eyeballs! they flip to and fro!
"
"i thought chunking was somewhere in china,
or some chic, oriental-type diner.
psychologically it's
about small to large bits.
in a nutshell ? to major from minor.
"
"when uptight and beset by alarms
making worse inconsolable qualms,
i just set myself free
with a nice cup of tea ?
shake the stress which this sweet nectar calms.
"
"poor old romeo can't climb the wall.
""wherefore art thou?"" hear juliet call
from her balcony. she
wonders just how can he
get it up. (no, his ladder, that's all.)
"
"simply choosing is causing me grief,
so i think i'm entitled to beef.
if i order some tea
waiters grill me, e.g.,
""black or white? cup or mug? bag or leaf?""
"
"asked the duke, ""where's our next head-to-head?""
and napoleon bonaparte said,
""waterloo."" with a grin,
the duke said, ""if i win,
st helena's quite nice, so i've read.""
"
"you're my buddy, my chum and my friend,
but you mess with my gal: that's the end.
if her tummy should swell
because you rang her bell,
that's more chummy than you can defend.
"
"having scoured the long two-by-two,
noah yelled, ""you old guys in the queue!
when the ark hits dry land,
you can let go her hand ?
there's an abattoir waiting for you!""
"
"in the pop charts, church music's a bit
of a flop: should its song-writers quit?
it's the devil who has
the most tunes with pizazz,
so i wonder who'll write the next hit.
"
"tides of winnowing vapours stretch tight
scudding wisps between frail shadow's light.
silent clamourings glow
through arcadian snow,
give my pale abstract thoughts second sight.
"
"kids like me were so easy to please.
food was fun in a world more at ease.
mashed potatoes were hills;
gravy: seas fraught with spills.
peas were balls, sprigs of broccoli, trees.
"
"hear that whistle toot way down the track,
and the choo-choo's wheels clickety-clack.
here it comes, hauling freight.
feel the trestle vibrate
as the loco blows smoke from its stack.
"
"r and h, in an ocular mood
and with altitude's theme to include,
wrote, ""the corn is as high
as an elephant's eye,
and it looks like?"" (they must've been stewed!)
"
"i'm a morbidly diy boffin;
what i make is the thing you're sent off in.
you're not yet a cadaver,
but please could i have a
dimensional chart for your coffin?
"
"when my chestwig came off in her bed,
i complained to the makers, who said,
""since epoxy could cripple
your pecs (they'd not ripple),
just velcro each nipple instead.""
"
"when its cardinals gather in hope,
many rituals help them to cope
in their choice of a bloke,
which, confirmed by white smoke,
means the church of rome's got a new pope.
"
"roger bannister (see 'records' file,
which confirms man's competitive style)
is a man much revered,
and the onlookers cheered
when r.b. cracked the four-minute mile.
"
"when a cricket ball's bowled at high speed
and you're batting, a box you will need.
then, should three balls collide,
your pair's safely inside
this protective device, so take heed.
"
"i admit that i grumble and groan
to myself (as most things i disown)
and when things get my goat,
vague opinions i quote
as i grumpily chunter and moan.
"
"this line's end means i'm halfway toward
a new couplet ? whoopee! yes, i've scored!
rhyming pairs sound much sweeter
which share length and metre.
but this line? forget it! i'm bored.
"
"i have got me a musical cat,
but his crotch is no more where it's at.
he's been, well... orchestrated.
(""castrated"" he'd hated ?
he'd snapped, ""where's my cymbals, you rat?"")
"
"my tutor said, ""please don't lose heart.
paint some models, don't ever quit art.""
""but toys aren't my scene.""
""who said toys? no, i mean
naked females."" ""oh, when do i start?""
"
"blooms from chile, and water from france
shipped in bottles, my lifestyle enhance,
while my patio heater
makes life so much sweeter.
stuff climate change. me change? no chance!
"
"there's a poem whose rhythmic verse makes
up a journey so fast the earth shakes
with a galloping theme
where three men in a team
race from ghent with good news, bound for aix.
"
"when king charles wouldn't take off his hat,
judges loyal to cromwell said that
a refusal to doff
meant they'd chop much more off:
change his viewpoint from where it was at.
"
"in the dark i kept bumping around;
a root vegetable (orange) i found
for my night-vision need,
so on carrots i feed.
now i burrow at night in the ground!
"
"take a basin in order to show
views from a (up above), b (below).
from above, a's concave
so in order to save
what's inside, b (convex) is no go.
"
"long in body, short legs, upright ears,
welsh links, often hobnobs with peers.
beloved by the queen
and camilla seems keen.
""it's prince charles!"" no ? a corgi, my dears.
"
"re commitment, let breakfast suffice
to compare pigs' (quite grim), hens' (quite nice).
hens' commitment? an egg,
pigs' commitment? a leg
(plus the rest) and we relish each slice.
"
"tell me ? who's on the menu tonight?
i'm a cannibal; need a quick bite.
and though no one i know
can beat ""harry to go"",
there's a soylent green salad that might!
"
"i've a fetish men don't like to share.
well, okay ? never thought i would dare!
when she says, ""ck's off!""
i remove with a cough
camiknickers i secretly wear.
"
"just as ""mountains from molehills"" implies
there's much less than we're prone to surmise,
""storms in teacups"" makes two.
number three? ""much ado
about nothing"". aren't idioms wise?
"
"lack of food and disease were endured,
with no agincourt victory assured,
but when englishmen bend
bows of yew to defend
england's king, then the outcome's secured.
"
"alan ladd ? movie star ? there's a name.
five foot five, but could pull any dame.
once a co-starring wench
had to walk in a trench
(an adjustment which bolstered his fame).
"
"where things snap, come adrift, slip and slide,
extra measures are wisely applied.
belt and braces ensure
pants are doubly secure ?
metaphorically too ? a good guide.
"
"it paints colourful arcs in the sky;
launched the arrow that pierced a king's eye;
when it's drawn across strings,
how the melody sings;
when you fumble your bow, it's a tie.
"
"call me childlike ? i won't feel defiled,
or deny that my spirit is wild.
the excitable boy
in my soul brings me joy,
for i see through the eyes of this child.
"
"note that charactery, since it's collective,
can point in a way that's connective
to symbols and signs
if an anal type whines,
""keeping order's our greatest objective.""
"
"though my colleagues, who're close to verbose,
have defined the word close by the gross,
they weren't close to the meaning
you're close now to gleaning:
a place that's enclosed is a close.
"
"just as malice achieves with malignity,
i'll ""ice"" the behind of benignity.
my suffixoid splice
gives the apt word benice,
which conveys, i think, kindness with dignity.
"
"they who knew i could rhyme all these words
say you boo my ""should slime call cheese 'curds'?""
your non-feigned slighting shows
more constrained writing foes
may pooh-pooh ""why would lime stall fleas' turds?""
"
"there are some revered things that most please
when they're absent ? or down to the knees.
an example, perhaps,
is those panties with straps,
the so-sexy, not frenchy, chemise.
"
"though the obsolete word conspissation
comes close to your gut speculation,
its ""rendering thick""
needn't make you feel sick,
for it doesn't require constipation.
"
"well, this one is easy, since i
am a son of the eastern cape (sigh).
this apartheid perversion
is, thanks to recursion,
defunct. now there is no ciskei.
"
"the trouble with call-fire, folks,
is it's fired by brotherly blokes
who might hit one's position
with live ammunition,
delighting one's foes when one croaks.
"
"with my warmth for my step-mom on hold,
i've been calling her ""dame common cold"".
as she loves to upset
every neighbour we get,
she's been judged by the law common scold.
"
"i was honing my flatlining skill.
overshot! ""where? who?"" (strange! don't feel ill!)
says this guy, ""you're afloat
but you're rocking the boat.
it's the styx and i'm charon. sit still!""
"
"i got easily bored, then i read
that ""a pastime would help"", so it said.
i tried watching paint dry,
but the time didn't fly;
i'll watch quick-drying paint dry instead.
"
"in my childhood days steam trains were fun;
sudden tunnels extinguished the sun.
phone lines rose, dipped and rose?
dad was quick to propose,
""that's how trackside catenaries run.""
"
"""did you see that? your dog ate my hat!""
""if you can't 'ang it up?end of chat!""
""that's your attitude, eh?""
""no, that's round the wrong way,
for that's your 'at he chewed, so?that's that!""
"
"johnny cash ? he's an idol of mine
with a style some find hard to define.
guess things happen that way,
but when i hear him play
""man in black"", johnny cash walks the line.
"
"my arrester hook's jammed, now i'm sunk!
it's a slammer that may mean a dunk!
i can picture the scene
from my winged submarine
where i...phew! it deploys with a clunk!
"
"either madam or pimp they are not,
or a guy punching tickets a lot.
diplomatically though
when ambassadors blow,
then the charg? d'affaires takes the spot.
"
"it's my hobbyroom's stock that supplies
sheet for ribs, spars for wings, cut to size.
wood that's rigid but light
guarantees extra height
when my balsawood aeroplane flies.
"
"though my married friend's sexual plight
was revealed, still i sensed his delight.
""i get sex once a year,
raise an annual cheer.""
then he grinned, ""and tonight is the night.""
"
"if a flannel went over a funnel,
would we then call the funnel a flunnel?
when a tunnel goes under
the channel, i wonder ??
that's right, we brits call it the chunnel!
"
"female cellists aren't obdurate folk.
thomas beecham (dubbed sir) to one spoke,
""in between your legs you
have an instrument to
pleasure thousands?don't scratch it, just stroke.""
"
"changes happen and frequently start
when relationships cool, fall apart.
love, too soon, runs its course;
marriage ends in divorce;
kids grow up, grow away, break your heart.
"
"sniper hyde's expertise in disguise
has amazed the marines' training guys.
in the camouflage test
he outsmarted the rest.
when they find him they'll give him the prize.
"
"i'll tone down my concluding tirade
with a word, whose effect i have weighed.
this should soften the blow,
but away you must go.
as of now, you are sacked, i'm afraid.
"
"if from incomplete facts you must make
a decision on actions to take,
leave perfidious odds
in the lap of the gods.
a best guess beats a coin-flip mistake.
"
"it's two-thirty, i'm here on the dot,
and my cavity's hurting a lot.
i need dentistry's skills,
but i dread high speed drills.
where's that novocaine? give me a shot!
"
"what's the absolute pressure? no sweat.
pay attention now lest you forget.
atmospheric and gauge
are the pressures?next stage:
add them up and the answer you'll get.
"
"i've got style, i've got cool; a crevasse
that no plebs can bridge yawns as i pass.
i've got sparkle and fizz,
strut my stuff. i'm the biz.
i stand out from the crowd ? i've got class.
"
"she said, ""hey, though i'm game, don't forget
it takes more than a man to beget.
so you're adam; i'm eve,
but i've got to conceive
or this earth will just host a duet.""
"
"when you're venting your spleen, so it's said,
an expletive can put it to bed.
there's a four-letter word
from which coupling's inferred,
it's? er? bleep it! i just lost the thread!
"
"i resolved my old image i'd scotch
with a makeover, carve a new notch.
so silk y-fronts i wore
but i got rather sore:
the elastic was chafing my crotch.
"
"i'm aware of an imminent threat.
in my stomach are butterflies, yet,
a brave face i display
though i cannot allay
pent-up collywobbles making me sweat.
"
"just imagine a neighbourly scene:
friendly over-fence chats. so serene.
but thank god we've got phones
when those shrubs bearing cones
form a conifer wall in between.
"
"the conservative party won't win
an election until they begin
making pledges so sloppy
for labour to copy
it might make us vote them back in.
"
"camaraderie, friendship, rapport
and esprit de corps add up to four.
all for one ? one for all.
the divided will fall,
so unite! and together we'll score!
"
"in the ceiling above them, fans swirl.
in the spotlight below sings the girl
while the saxophone breathes
through the smoke-laden wreathes,
letting jazz and its magic unfurl.
"
"first his face, flushed with colour, turns pale.
now his countenance white tells the tale
of some evil about
to appear from without.
there's a scream! severed body parts flail.
"
"i await the alarm clock's shrill tug,
but i'm snug as a bug in a rug.
pillow's soft, duvet's warm,
feel her nightie-clad form
in this cosiness ? give her a hug.
"
"when special events to us fall,
it's to ritual experts we call.
getting hitched or interred,
having titles conferred,
ceremonialists manage them all.
"
"the blue riband event can be gruelling
and forbids transatlantic refuelling.
higher average speed
(not the time), now agreed,
is the target of nautical duelling.
"
"take a dive, you're the champ they can't beat.
i'll lay odds that the punters find sweet.
show the soles of your boots.
if we work in cahoots,
we're on easy street?that's no defeat.
"
"i've some corduroy pants but i fear
their fabric (cut pile) irks my ear.
they rasp when i walk;
inner thighs seem to talk.
it's the vertical ribbing i hear.
"
"we touched down on the moon, heard a knock.
opened up, there he stood. quite a shock!
short smooth hair, bulging eyes,
ears erect (quite a size):
a chihuahua? oh, no ? mr. spock!
"
"""earth to mars ? update twelve: it appears
that the earthlings clamp these to their ears,
say, 'goodbye!' and 'hello?'
'where are you?' 'battery's low.'
they're called cellphones ? invade? okay. cheers!""
"
"it's your belly that can't match the size
of your avidly gluttonous eyes.
this i'd guess by the great
heap of food on your plate:
all those leftovers prompt my surmise.
"
"our moon, when compared to the sun,
is in size the diminutive one.
but when viewed in the skies,
sun and moon match in size.
(a coincidence rarely outdone.)
"
"christmas day's celebration told how
christ the saviour was born. sadly now
from september the shops
gaily pull out the stops
to sell all that four months will allow!
"
"i go into my bank to withdraw
all the cash they'd refused me before.
my approach, though, i change:
to all those within range,
""it's a stickup! get down on the floor!""
"
"we're surrounded?it's time to give in.
ammo? none. let's start saving our skin.
course of action to take?
on the end of this stake
tie a cloth?white, of course?yell, ""you win!""
"
"i imagine their voices i hear,
coming home, straight from school. they'll appear,
shouting, ""dad!""  there it stops.
empty house. penny drops.
i'm alone?been divorced for a year.
"
"just the room? i can do twenty-eight.
breakfast's extra: four-fifty; but wait?
take the room and the meal
and i'll do you a deal
for a twenty-nine pounds all-in rate.
"
"your fear you may sometimes suppress.
when this fails, though, please don't make us guess.
if you do chicken out,
wave a white flag about
and capitulate under duress.
"
"i'm a robot; my life's rather tame.
isaac asimov's laws are to blame.
though that rare software glitch
can be fun, there's a hitch:
when i'm fixed, i obey. what a shame!
"
"the word nuclear george bush finds tough
to pronounce. is his diction so rough?
but with nucular, he
has no difficluty ?
oh, my god! now i'm talking the stuff!
"
"when the co-pilot, rog, took control,
captain over said, ""fancy a roll?""
so rog did, plus a loop.
""no, i meant for your soup,""
said the captain, retrieving his bowl.
"
"the umbrella, we sometimes forget,
though when raised if it's weather-wise wet
to ensure we stay dry,
can still poke someone's eye ?
yes, the brolly's an ocular threat.
"
"as the buzz saw draws closer, i scream.
the spinning disk's teeth are agleam.
with my legs open wide,
to its table they're tied?
then i wake from a blood-chilling dream.
"
"suffragettes were determined to claim
equal treatment with men: just the same.
chained themselves to the railings
to highlight law's failings ?
civil rights: votes for women their aim.
"
"notwithstanding the reasons you state,
nonetheless you've compelled me to wait.
i have heard what you say,
but be that as it may,
after all's said and done, you're too late.
"
"a successful advertisement fools
by employing preposterous rules,
like the suv's, which
shows it leaping a ditch.
(most take kids half a mile to their schools.)
"
"queen boudicca, a warrior brave,
tried her tribe, the iceni, to save.
knives to wheels she attached
and a victory snatched.
gave those roman legs quite a close shave!
"
"oscar wilde never cherch?'d la femme?
at the custom house told uncle sam,
""i have naught to declare
but my genius. there!""
didn't add, ""how conceited i am!""
"
"those six hundred men charged on, despite
blazing cannons to left and to right,
till their very last breath.
in that ""valley of death""
raged the light brigade's glorious fight.
"
"babel's tower depended upon
just one tongue (but no sweat now it's gone) ?
england chimes with us,
""though,"" observed gbs,
""they're two countries divided by one.""
"
"carbon offsetting's goals i can see,
but should i ponder planting a tree
when those four-by-fours drink
our resources? i think
that their drivers should walk just like me.
"
"there are so many words that abound
in my language that i've never found
that i'm?god! how absurd!
now i'm stuck for a word!
my thesaurus should help. stick around!
"
"""contradict? no, it's rude."" ""no, it's not!
well, a little, perhaps."" ""no, a lot!""
""you offend."" ""no, i don't!""
""you'll regret it."" ""i won't!""
""yes you will!"" ""no i won't! not a jot!""
"
"i can lead with my left or my right,
switch to southpaw then back when i fight.
ambidextrous with punches
and shots in fast bunches?
that's me. you'll be canvassed tonight!
"
"stuff its captain's demand to accede
to his signal ""heave to"", and proceed
with a plan he'll regret:
a collision course set,
and his u-boat we'll ram at full speed.
"
"sadly, no one remembers the name
of the guy who aspired to fame
by concocting a drink
he called 6up. just think,
died a pauper. so close! such a shame.
"
"nail christ's crucifixion? i'm cross
because, jesus, i'm still at a loss!
can a skeptic imbibe
such a death? to subscribe,
i would need to ingest christian dross.
"
"charles darwin, born 1809,
was a thinker fools love to malign.
though they're clearly related
to apes, they've berated
this man who showed men aren't divine.
"
"""my sylph's in a danish! so gym
was droll, merows! my swan is slim!
a hamil's sin ?"" ""aw!""
sym swore. ""m'llord saw?
my gosh! sin a danish? ply sym!""
"
"just as czarish is czarian, czar,
czarate, czarin and czarevitch are.
so are czarism and
evil czaricide (planned
so czarina ? tsk-tsk ? can be tsar).
"
"on hawaii the lava's aflame
as observers, in awe, cry its name.
when that molten rock's oozing
down paths of its choosing,
it's ""a'a!"" that tourists exclaim.
"
"even though i'm just seven, i know
aqua's water or ice cubes or snow.
and another cool name
i've heard's ""h-to-o"" (same
as just h-i-j-k l-n-o?).
"
"raef emordni-lap's verses revere
reva (""rev""), eton's ""padre"" hate-keer.
gasps a greek, ""eta her
daps not ever aver?
e reverses rev's palindrome fear!""
"
"one point six one eight oh double three
flows from ?. if you count, you will see
just how ? is derived.
though my ?-?'s contrived,
finding ? with my ?-? comes free!
"
"i'm a company man. i'm a star.
after lunches i light a cigar
(in the car park, alas,
since the law is an ass),
and i drive a swank company car.
"
"and s. mason (ostensively k)
sobs, ""aw, pants, alnoy. k's sordid. say
alalaya's di drossky,
on last nap, was bosky...
levis net son o' sam's dna!""
"
"cancer's use in a simile's wrong.
this is one place it shouldn't belong.
for no sufferer's spared
when its growth rate's compared
to the quote ""sound of silence"", in song.
"
"outmanoeuvred, outflanked and outgunned,
strafed and bombed, badly shell-shocked and stunned,
we fight on, though against
all the odds, so incensed,
any thoughts of surrender we've shunned.
"
"captain cook's resolution, endeavour,
adventures, discoveries never
(in world exploration
and bold navigation)
do less than acclaim him forever.
"
"my creative juice flows at full stretch
as my best-seller outlines i sketch.
my last blockbuster's sales
were sky-high, but that pales
beside what this new novel will fetch.
"
"i am puzzled, befuddled, bemused.
from my brain, rhyme and reason have oozed
till i'm losing my grip.
now i'm really muxed ip,
rather baffled, perplexed and confused.
"
"i've a sequence i hope is unique.
please stand back several paces; don't peek!
punch my pin code in: 1,
2, 3, 4 ? nearly done.
view the screen. not much left. outlook bleak.
"
"""it's a bomb site!"" i yelled as i ambled
through debris piled high. my son rambled
defensively, ""dad!
it's my room, don't get mad.
where've you gone?!"" (he should care!) out i scrambled!
"
"i'm a stickler for fashion's decrees
in respect of my knobbly knees.
my fur sporran looks swell
and coordinates well
with my kilt and my tartan chemise.
"
"after drinks and a night on the town
i start tripping about like a clown.
i'm disorientated
(it's balance-related):
i rise but i keep falling down.
"
"""well hello! who said dreams don't come true?!
and that dress! bet you've modelled a few.
here's my jag, climb aboard,
without you it's a ford.""
clunk and click! (that's what chat-up lines do.)
"
"as used here the adverb so neatly
helps verses to rhyme much more sweetly.
i'll do it discreetly,
disguise it completely
and end all my lines with an adverb.
"
"""so just blow in the bag, that's the way.
i'm recording whatever you say.""
says the cop, but you then
yell, ""don't hit me again!""
and with luck, you'll have no fine to pay.
"
"when my dad was demobbed, i recall,
there he stood, strangely dressed, in the hall.
no more need to salute
in his civvy street suit.
soldier gone ? father back with us all.
"
"callisthenics?derived from the greek?
is a lighter gymnastic technique.
comes from sthenos (that's ""strength""),
calli-? ""beauty"". at length,
we are graced with a better physique.
"
"there's a magic abroad in the air:
an expectancy children all share
which leads up to a scene?
""come down quick! yes, he's been!""
christmas morning?i know?i was there.
"
"how i reeled from the vehement blast
of the vicious aspersions he cast
which besmirched my good name:
barefaced lies. all the same,
i was thunderstruck, stunned and aghast.
"
"i'm a wandering man known to chat
(mostly rambling about this and that).
i've a recommendation
re circumcursation:
let's roam while we're chewing the fat.
"
"aphrodisiacs i'll never try;
my arousal's low threshold is why.
my libido needs no
artificial boost, so
girls beware! i'm one hell of a guy!
"
"i'd been ostracised, shunned, left to brood:
in three words, ""sent to coventry"". who'd
ever link this condition
with naked ambition?
(where lady godiva rode ? nude!)
"
"and to you, his dear wife, let me see,
he's left all of his wealth, with a plea
that you...oh, but i fear
there's a codicil here ?
""stuff my wife ? give the lot to cherie.""
"
"since i'm proud of my genital kit,
an enhancement i thought i should fit.
so a codpiece i bought;
now i'm eagerly sought
by the ladies who fancy a bit.
"
"of the citrus fruits, oranges suck.
when it comes down to rhyming them ? yuk!
though their juice i can sip,
they still give me the pip.
i'll rhyme orange or bust! er? i'm stuck!
"
"we trapeze acts are heart-stopping troupes.
you're the catcher, i fly in long swoops.
so, coordinate, chum ?
tally-ho! here i come!
i just said, ""tally-ho! here i..."" ooops!
"
"if i want to condense my report,
edit chunks till acceptably short,
in a nutshell, i'll say
that it's, lengthwise, okay:
an abridgement whose gist's lacking nought.
"
"""so, come on now! describe it. feel free.""
""well it's...wotsit, like...sort of...let's see...
kind of...don't have a clue.""
""no? i reckon that you
need an adjective ? nice works for me.""
"
"i'm a hunk, by the girls keenly eyed.
to a soft-porn mag's ad i replied
for its centrefold nude,
issue 5 (later viewed),
where they'd stapled my joy and my pride!
"
"to portray someone, choose the attire
that matches the look you desire.
you're bound to impress
with the way that you dress
in the costume you purchase or hire.
"
"lord nelson, he never retired
below when the enemy fired.
in his uniform he
was so easy to see
abovedeck, where he sadly expired.
"
"i've tried patches, hypnosis and stuff,
but in vain: i continue to puff.
so cold turkey i'll try;
without fags, though, i'll die!
(but much later ? that's reason enough!)
"
"are you sad, introverted, or shy
and feel life is just passing you by?
don't despair?there's a fix:
you must circulate, mix,
share a joke, shake some hands ? start with ""hi!""
"
"pheasant pluckers articulate at
a most circumspect speed when they chat:
to describe their job they
must take care when they say,
""pleasant?"" (my tongue gets twisted round that!)
"
"in stilettos this season's bespoke;
on a catwalk i strut before folk
who don't buy off the peg.
damn! i've not shaved one leg.
that's my cover blown! yes, i'm a bloke.
"
"all my plots and my tales came to naught
with the publishing world, so i thought
i'd put sex on each page;
now my stuff's all the rage
and each bonkbuster's eagerly sought.
"
"""what's a clitoris, dad?"" ? ""ask your mum.""
""what's a clitoris, mum?"" ? ""er, dad come
and explain to him, please.""
""oh, the birds and the bees? ?
the birds chirp, but the bees buzz and hum.""
"
"of the symbols that barred east from west
in the cold war, this crossing's the best.
checkpoint charlie's its name.
in berlin it won fame
as the gate freedom lovers detest.
"
"you should amscray. vamoose. take a hike.
do a bunk. shift your ass. on your bike.
take a powder or get
the hell out. better yet
just skedaddle (the sooner i like)!
"
"conveyors, from a, move to b
things with belts looped continually
in a prearranged track:
full on top, empty back.
they increase productivity?whee!
"
"conscientious objectors won't fight
for a cause that their protests indict.
some might think they're afraid
to march out on parade,
but muhammad ali punched all right.
"
"with one thumb and four fingers i played
left hand chords with them suitably splayed.
but i'm also a cook;
on my chopping board took
careless swipes (four-note chords, i'm afraid).
"
"the red baron's machine-gun was, well, er,
shall i say misaligned? (careless feller.)
when a sopwith he sprayed,
a slug sheared his blade.
the result? asymmetric propeller!
"
"in my antediluvian dreams
there's this ark built with gopherwood beams
that's designed for a flood.
to dodge drowning or mud,
you pair up with a partner, it seems.
"
"sweet aspartame's a health risk? tee-hee!
can cause mood swings? boo-hoo! sugar-free.
i'm on top of the world.
no! i'd sooner be curled
up in darkness: the pits. wait! whoopee!
"
"in the highland fling, scottish folk learn,
wearing kilts, as so nimbly they turn,
not to hop on the swords,
for the only rewards
are the fees that chiropodists earn.
"
"my assignment's not over until
this gun's laser beam helps me to kill.
when i aim for your head,
and that spot coloured red
hits the mark, make my day and stand still.
"
"arthurian legends abound
and bedazzle, intrigue and astound,
but the sword from the stone
the boy pulled on his own
is the tale that deserves to be crowned.
"
"i will back you each step of the way
and confirm that your statement's okay.
to your words i'll attest,
any doubts lay to rest
and corroborate all that you say.
"
"english slang i picked up from my ma,
who, instead of ""goodbye!"" said, ""ta-ra!""
but earl grey we thought posh
since it cost extra dosh,
and what others called tea, we called char.
"
"up and down? just the once or some more?
did the duke of york's men keep the score?
for the rhyme says he then
marched them down it again,
so they must have marched down it before!
"
"a bow tie that can spin? fancy that!
makes a change from my blue, silk cravat.
so here goes, let it twirl
and i'll pull any girl ?
well, i would, but the battery's flat!
"
"gloom and doom featured high in my life:
household bills, asbo'd kids, nagging wife.
met a pal, we got canned?
he's a bigamist and
said, ""cheer up. i've got double your strife.""
"
"if cartographers didn't prepare
all the maps, how would travellers fare?
for then no-one would know
which direction to go.
a to b would become a to where?
"
"acoustic couplers are not what you think,
i.e., lovers who grunt near the brink.
phone to modem they linked
via sound?more distinct
if enclosed in a box with no chink.
"
"charles i was our chief cavalier,
until oliver cried, ""charles, i fear
that you're due for the chop.
off your head we must lop.
bet that wig cost a fortune. dear, dear!""
"
"as i patiently wait for a bus,
time goes by, queue grows long, people cuss,
stamp their feet, scowl at me,
all at once here come three!
i'm in luck, spoilt for choice. what's the fuss?
"
"who'd dare cough when this hush fills the hall?
then a flute trills the opening call
for the strings to begin?
brass and woodwind join in:
a crescendo of sound lifts us all.
"
"oscar wilde's famous quips never fail
to amuse, like his plays: each a tale
to delight. marked his end
with the ballad he penned
in his cell, about reading's town gaol.
"
"my behaviour i know contains flaws:
an eccentric i'm called, and it gnaws
at my shrinking self-worth,
aggravated by mirth,
ill concealed by those partly the cause.
"
"cherry pickers skim only the best
off a business, discard all the rest;
they don't recognise people.
the profits they reap'll
reward the ""largesse"" they invest.
"
"there's this novel i'm trying to write
but the deadline looks awfully tight
and the word count's too low?
how to boost it? i know!
add more adverbs and adjectives. quite!
"
"back to front? on this phrase i'll expand.
it's like arse about face. understand?
think of opposite faces
(not sides) swapping places?
at odds with the way that you'd planned.
"
"back and forth, to and fro, pace the deck.
wear the carpet out. aw, what the heck!
like a pendulum's swing,
windscreen wipers that fling?
while my wife's giving birth, i'm a wreck!
"
"we're at odds with each other; that's why
i'm afraid we don't see eye to eye.
it's a contretemps thing,
but we don't have to cling
to our views. why not compromise? try!
"
"the sargasso sea, teeming with kelp,
lashed by winds, almost drowned out the yelp
of my dog. i cried, ""heck!""
he'd been swept from the deck
and that yelp was my dog's cry for help.
"
"in the us a cable's length is
rather more than the uk's length, viz:
seven twenty (us),
uk, six o eight (less);
that's in feet. us ships have more whiz!
"
"want charisma? i've got it in spades:
an attraction that no one evades.
it's my personal charm
i exploit?where's the harm,
if susceptible folk it persuades?
"
"we were happy, though times were austere.
there were ration books, queues but good cheer,
for we brits all mucked in,
treated neighbours like kin.
world war two; doors unlatched?""welcome here"".
"
"a chronographer ? is this a man
who notes time and then jots down its span,
who's precise to a tick,
and writes tickets to stick
beneath wipers with vengeful elan?
"
"second helpings? don't mind if i do.
and the recipe? all your own too!
if you serve so sublime
a dessert, one more time,
it will clinch my endorsement of you.
"
"""i've admired you so long from afar.""
(boy, i'd like to get under her bra.
it's my charm they find sweet.
sweeps them right off their feet.)
""i can stand. take my seat. there you are.""
"
"change of color? i can't overstress
that your doctor's the one to address
with your symptoms. you fret,
understandably, yet,
a chameleon couldn't care less.
"
"there's a challenge that prickles your hair
if the enemy's lines you would dare
reconnoitre to seek
any points that are weak.
it's a voice saying, ""halt! who goes there?!""
"
"your ascendancy took quite a while
to achieve, but in spite of their guile,
now you've made it; it's done,
you're the new number one,
the head honcho, the top of the pile.
"
"the royal hospital's role's to support
any war veterans fraught or distraught.
chelsea pensioners wear
scarlet uniforms there
and find peace (for which bravely they fought).
"
"what's the link twixt a riddle, my son,
and an elephant perched on a bun?
well, the first's a conundrum,
the second? bun und'r 'm.
(my mum filled my childhood with fun.)
"
"i'm a range rover driver and worth
a fair hearing, so spare me your mirth.
it has climate control,
so i think, on the whole,
that i'm doing my bit for the earth.
"
"i'm a child with so many a day
to wake up to and learn while i play.
i have innocence, yet,
for how long? i'll forget
as my childhood drifts further away.
"
"i can give you a firm guarantee.
you'd regret not depending on me.
it's too good to ignore;
nothing else could be more
copper-bottomed. sign here and you'll see.
"
"i'm your blood, which an aspirin will thin,
loved by vampires who puncture your skin
with their fangs; and for me
you'll get one cup of tea.
that's the prize that each donor will win.
"
"he said, ""got me a job?i was bored?
in a strip club and boy, have i scored.
twenty-five bucks a day.""
i said, ""what lousy pay.""
""pal, that's all,"" he grinned, ""i can afford!""
"
"bernard shaw, vegetarian, knew
a parade on his death would ensue.
said, ""with creatures i've spared
my cortege will be shared.
could a man have a finer adieu?""
"
"from their posts, clotheslines stretch fairly tight
in the garden, where breezes alight
on wet clothes hanging there
from said line, flapped by air,
till they're dry. what a well-laundered sight!
"
"made of plastic or wood and the size
of two centre-spring-loaded french fries:
known as clothes pegs, they clip,
in a crocodile grip,
to a clothesline where washing soon dries.
"
"times are hard, but we've nothing to fear.
if we save through the hard times and steer
a course fiscally sound,
we can turn it around
and be better off this time next year.
"
"a melodic objective is set
which by cello and cellist is met
when their bodies entwine
and vibrations combine
in an intimate, tuneful duet.
"
"once a centipede, lacking in luck,
by dismembering mishap was struck.
now it's hampered by one
wooden leg. can't be fun
when with ninety-nine bonk! you are stuck.
"
"when calamity strikes, it's the pits
and the thought of it scares me to bits.
i'm aboard the titanic
(unsinkable). panic?
no way! hey, that iceberg?god, it's...!
"
"i own up with this niggardly tale.
the collection tin: that's where i fail.
yes, i'll have to come clean
and admit that i'm mean:
shoving buttons in, tapped with my nail.
"
"if a bearing ball squeaks through neglect,
blame yourself if its functioning's checked.
with just one squirt of oil,
any breakdown you'll foil
and the process concerned you'll protect.
"
"there's a covering material which
is best viewed if you don't wear a stitch.
then you see the whole lot,
every crease, every spot.
it's called skin ? and mine's starting to itch!
"
"on my thoughts, with self-searching imbued,
might have beens and if onlys intrude.
of my life i take stock.
i can't turn back the clock.
introspectively smitten, i brood.
"
"some beliefs deem religious affairs
out of bounds to a person who dares
to make light of a god
who's supreme. why, that's odd!
so is mine, but i don't put on airs.
"
"that control stick you move to and fro
guides the plane. see those houses below,
how they keep getting bigger?
pull back! or you'll dig a
large hole ? it's no time for gung-ho!
"
"competition's a business regime
in which companies find they can't cream
off the orders for long
when their rivals are strong.
it's a customer-friendlier scheme.
"
"royal navy men battle at sea
when required to protect you and me.
the event of their death
when they take their last breath
is called crossing the bar. rip.
"
"like proverbial bats out of hell,
there are people who hurry pell-mell
between jobs, so more work
in each day is their perk.
i can't stop! i'm too busy as well.
"
"forget colour scheme nonsense and slap
on my favourite paint. it's all crap
about matching and hues;
hope this clue helps you choose:
i'm a true-blue magnolia chap.
"
"the bus driver frowned, shook his head;
""no, we're chock-a-block, sorry,"" he said,
""they're packed in like sardines,
and that simple fact means
there's no room. call a taxi instead.""
"
"i'm no slouch when my fire is lit,
if a girl says she fancies a bit.
what devalues the lark
is her closing remark,
as she straightens the sheets: ""is that it?""
"
"there are those, when the going gets tough,
who back out as they wail, ""that's enough!""
their excuses so vague
they trot out, then renege
on their pledges?they don't give a stuff.
"
"i thought fold, then the dealer said, ""hey!
up the ante? well, whadya say?""
like a moth round a flame
i felt trapped in their game,
but for those kinds of odds? ""yes, i'll play.""
"
"you must think me a gullible guy
if you thought lame excuses i'd buy.
it's my leg that you pull
with an old cock-and-bull
kind of story. it's garbage. don't try.
"
"cuthbert collingwood (not one to fuss)
in true admiral style announced thus,
""now, come, gentlemen, pray,
let's do something today
which the world may hereafter discuss.""
"
"while my mum takes her afternoon nap,
see my daughter, curled up on her lap.
dear old dad snores away ?
they're content with their day.
so am i ? we're cocooned from the crap.
"
"""a withdrawal? ah, foley, i find
that, at times, i've a right to be blind.
through my spyglass i see
no such signal to me,
so, fight on! i have victory in mind.""
"
"self-improvement? dale carnegie knew
about worry and how to win through?
""just imagine the worst
that can happen, then first
try improving on that point of view.""
"
"about balancing cabers i trust
that the scots know i've got the thing sussed.
for the vertical plane
is so hard to sustain
that they toss them away in disgust.
"
"oh, bravo! i applaud and acclaim
your performance, ensuring your name,
through panache and bravura,
is bound to secure a
large space in the world's hall of fame.
"
"my three hundred and sixty-fifth here
makes my limerick strategy clear:
arithmetic progression,
each morn a new session,
means one every day for a year.
"
"i'll foreclose on her mortgage unless
she obeys my command to undress.
i'll compel, twist her arm,
bully, threaten with harm
or coerce. (she'll consent under stress.)
"
"there she stood, blushing bride, in the church.
for the groom her folks went out to search.
by his absence was he
flagged conspicuously.
yes, he'd left that poor girl in the lurch.
"
"i anticipate things, plan ahead
to ensure that i'm leading, not led.
since forewarned is forearmed,
threats are quickly disarmed.
am i ready? born ready! 'nuff said.
"
"i'm a rough kind of guy with an edge,
whose abruptness some people allege
is perhaps rather sharp
(a familiar carp),
so i'll chamfer it now. that's my pledge.
"
"it was raining. the owl, with a sigh,
cooed, ""no barn, love? then courtship means i
would get soaked through, my dear.
it's too wet to woo here.
so, tu-whit tu-whoo, darling. must fly!""
"
"don't ignore my impassioned appeal.
i've a problem with which i can't deal.
call this heartfelt request,
springing straight from my breast,
cri de coeur. that's how desperate i feel.
"
"well, your grammar needs more than a tweak,
and your spelling is, let's say, unique.
in regard to the plot,
it meanders a lot.
there's more structure in this: my critique.
"
"we react in particular ways,
for example, when showing our praise.
with a palm-to-palm slap,
we create a loud clap,
then repeat our non-vocal hoorays.
"
"said napoleon, ""small gets sold short,
but battalion-wise thus i was taught:
when god gauges each force,
it's a matter of course
that the bigger one gets his support.""
"
"hair restorer and snake oil were sold
by the slick medicine drummers of old.
how those crowd-pullers ranted
while shills who were planted
feigned healing?a sight to behold!
"
"my clandestine affair, one suspects,
was top secret until, during sex
with dolores, my missus,
i gasped, between kisses,
""i love you, louise."" now i'm ex!
"
"we get loved, hurt, ignored, suffer loss,
sometimes lose, sometimes win, bridges cross.
there are times we ask why.
there are times when we cry.
carry on ? grab the joy, skip the dross.
"
"corresponding by letter was why
we used pencils or pens to apply
to a blank paper sheet
words like dear, so to greet
absent friends. now we email, type, ""hi!""
"
"your best shot is the one to achieve
a result, if the risk you believe
is worth taking. i'd say
best foot forward's the way,
so your strengths are what others perceive.
"
"""now at last, from la, just for you,
i am proud to present...yes, guess who.
he needs no introduction.
his voice: pure seduction.
and so from your comp?re, adieu!""
"
"""noah, please, for without it, i'm stuck.""
""4x4s on an ark?! no! hard luck!
climate change?big mistake;
2x2s i can take:
apes, giraffes, but not that. it's a truck!""
"
"rent-free cuckoos (a diy jest)
commandeer some unwary bird's nest,
ready-made, where they lay
their one egg, fly away.
of the hatching, themselves they divest.
"
"while blood circulates, pulses you'll feel.
cut a vein, it will gush ? you may squeal.
but to staunch further flow
it coagulates so
your sealed wound will more speedily heal.
"
"cock-a-leekie's a soup that the scots,
being canny, concocted, but what's
the big deal? when you savour
that chicken-leek flavour,
you'll know why it gives me the hots.
"
"i was led up the aisle in some haste
by my dad with his shotgun well placed
to encourage the guy
who'd made certain that i
could no longer be classified chaste.
"
"to be fired, my flight plan relies
on a girth human cannonballs prize,
but my waistline confirms
in diameter terms
that my calibre's way oversize.
"
"there are zealots who scoff and decree
that the son of god christ couldn't be.
i've a christian name,
wed in church, kids the same.
hence my faith (love to all): c of e.
"
"don't you piss on my turf; it's a niche
that my people have carved. you'll unleash
a firm offer that you
can't refuse. if you do:
concrete shoes made to measure?capiche?
"
"though he's bound to upset all the pros,
our mayor wants all houses to close.
antiprostitution:
pre-election's solution
will safeguard his pension, he knows.
"
"let's talk catch-22 ? we can share
thoughts on anti-war novels that scare.
there's a scene all about
snowden's guts spilling out
while yossarian murmurs, ""there, there.""
"
"if your sentence for breaking the law
means custodial punishment's your
consequential reward,
it's in choky you'll board,
free of charge?that's what prisons are for.
"
"not all stiffening problems men hate?
some they corrugate: fix without weight
being added. just bend
a thin sheet end to end
in the waveform hung curtains create.
"
"""being earnest is,"" oscar once wrote,
""quite important."" he added (i quote):
""lose a parent ? that's sad;
losing both though's a tad,
let's say, 'careless'. pray, worthing, take note.""
"
"a wrong outcome attained through confusion
means goals just become an illusion.
when endgames aren't matched
by the plots that you've hatched,
the term balls-up describes the conclusion.
"
"once was longitude roughly inferred,
which john harrison thought quite absurd;
then chronometry's stock
when jh built his clock
was enhanced, though his prize was deferred.
"
"in the mirror my wrinkles betray
how my life's ticking by every day,
but clocks' hands never turn
anticlockwise. they spurn
hopes of sweeping betrayal away.
"
"there's a pill which will help men perform
if their love life falls short of the norm.
when a ""headache"" she pleads,
it's an aspirin she needs.
once it's taken, the bed will soon warm.
"
"i'm a great vocal mimic of men.
my dean martin's the clincher and when
""that's amore"" i've crooned,
all the girls who've not swooned
throw me knickers, demanding, ""again!""
"
"if you bend it like beckham the more
winning goals you are likely to score.
make it swerve; watch it spin.
throw a curve; take 'em in.
face your fans! punch the air! hear 'em roar!
"
"there's a nickname that scathingly we
give a four-by-four or suv:
chelsea tractor's the name;
off-road tracks it could tame,
but it's street-bound, gas-guzzling with glee.
"
"i reflect on my back, should it ache,
and give thought to my nails, if they break,
but the way i behave'll
adjust when my navel
i contemplate: soul-searchings make.
"
"it's navels i focus on when
i indulge in my yoga or zen.
it's so nice when she purrs
as i focus on hers.
belly buttons?let's contemplate, men!
"
"make a stand and don't sit on the fence.
try commitment?it makes much more sense.
if your colours you nail
to the mast, we'll all hail
your resolve, unequivocally, hence.
"
"here's an adage (the first one i've struck
that makes sense, for with most i've no luck):
if it waddles and quacks
and leaves web-footed tracks,
i'll concede it's most likely a duck.
"
"""what a fabulous four!"" that's a joke.
i'm the best, the original bloke,
yes, the real mccoy. he?
a mere clone, number three.
they're just numbers?i'm joe. okey-doke?
"
"arbitrarily picking, i choose,
my subconscious providing the cues.
maybe this, maybe that?
like a fluttering bat.
based on whims is the method i use.
"
"adolf hitler looked eastward and saw
lots of real estate (polish); what's more,
after sending in tanks,
he got more than just thanks:
the balloon went up?second world war.
"
"press a button?a doorbell will ring.
stroke a nettle?you'll suffer a sting.
each a cause and effect.
there's one more i'll select:
close your eyes, and you won't see a thing.
"
"if a pressure group tries forcing through
some pet project abhorrent to you,
checks and balances make
the proposing group take
up a much more considerate view.
"
"there are exits that end with no pang
of remorse, or a knell's muffled clang.
thus this chapter i'll shut
not with whispering, but
an explosive, loud noise called a bang!
"
"i can't cope if i'm put on the spot,
so a proxy would help me a lot.
all my cares would be gone
if you acted upon
my behalf in resolving what's what.
"
"bite your lip when i say i must fly.
wish me luck as you wave me goodbye.
watch till i'm out of sight?
it'll hit me tonight
that we're so far apart, and i'll cry.
"
"in the headlines corruptness prevails,
and each day someone prominent fails
to conceal shady deals
won by greasing the wheels.
""didn't think it was crooked!"" he wails.
"
"it's the andes in ecuador where
cotopaxi's hot ash fills the air.
it's the highest volcano
that's active today?no,
don't go there, you might singe your hair!
"
"so, if winnie the pooh could reveal
his best friend, tell me how would you feel?
well, in dartmouth, uk,
in his bookshop, one day,
i met christopher robin for real.
"
"it's our liver we pickle and maim,
and it's booze that is mostly to blame.
an acceptable daily
intake of strong ale we
should stick to. oh?hic?what a shame!
"
"nancy's b-movie husband had gone
to find starring roles he could take on.
he, though some looked askance,
got his first-feature chance
playing president?oscar? no, ron.
"
"from the caspian sea comes the best
sturgeon's roe?it's called caviar. lest
you shun fish eggs on price,
please remember how nice
is this start to an eggs-cellent fest.
"
"the field mouse squeaked, ""hey, i've been ??"" (bleeped).
soothed her spouse, in the straw, baled and heaped,
""combine harvesters don't ?
rude to say, so i won't ?
but you haven't been raped, you've been reaped!""
"
"if a clothes line should sag, don't despair;
you can keep those wet clothes in the air,
for a clothes prop will stop
any ground-soiling drop
when its vee-shape notched end's brought to bear.
"
"oh my god! they're about to attack
face-to-face, and the future looks black.
but i won't bear the brunt
of their charge from the front,
if i go and defend from the back.
"
"with accoutrements i do the biz.
it's my tackle that's triggered your tizz.
a canoe?! it's a codpiece.
my gear's not so odd. cease
your doubts re my kit. i'm a whiz!
"
"certain stars, in their dusk-to-dawn trip,
well below the horizon will dip.
circumpolar stars, though,
from set latitudes glow
through the night and from sight never slip.
"
"in a jostling los angeles pack,
zola budd, who ran barefoot on track,
with the favourite collided,
who fell. though derided,
budd finished the race, but way back.
"
"i'll take that one ? and that! cut the chat!
your permission?! you're kidding! lie flat,
while my men commandeer
all the rest of your gear.
a receipt?! here's a gun-butt. take that!
"
"""is it where? is it there? tell me what
dropped that cluster of bombs on that spot.""
""saw no blip on the screen.""
""so, a stealth bomber's been.
antiradar means see you do not.""
"
"i'm aware of the hazards i face
in this unsecured perilous place.
i'm exposed here alone
in a known danger zone.
i need help or i'll sink without trace.
"
"a blind beggar put bob, taking pics
round a delhi bazaar, in a fix.
to jack benny bob cried,
""give him how much?"" ? jack sighed,
""try one sixtieth ? f5.6.""
"
"mention celery?i have a hunch
you'll link vegetable sticks to a crunch.
blanched and fibrous?a treat,
better salted?go eat
it: a noise-filled aside to a lunch.
"
"this road's blocked?as to choice, i'd suggest
that the sign-posted detour's your best.
since you're idaho bound,
there's no other way round,
so go back half a mile and head west.
"
"i'd been dumped. said my pal, ""don't lament.
try a contact sport."" so, off i went
to the gym, where i sparred;
took a punch ? rather hard.
my pal laughed: ""no, it's chatrooms i meant.""
"
"i'll develop this limerick so
that your interest continues to grow.
don't look down now?that's fine.
i've a cracking last line.
peekaboo! after 'fine'! yes, i know.
"
"weigh the outcomes a choice could provide:
pros and cons, list them down, side by side.
if the cons win the day
then you ought to delay,
think again. don't let fate be your guide.
"
"take transporters whose aim's to sustain
the same speed till one goal they attain:
with their nose-to-tail flow,
in a convoy they go.
(dick trevithick invented the train.)
"
"as a gourmet of short-tempered stock,
""turtle soup"" left my taste buds in shock.
""what's this made from?"" i said.
grinned the waiter, ""calf's head?
it's just mock."" i blew up, ran amok!
"
"she applauded the bullfighter, who
in his teeth caught the rose that she threw.
then the rose he tossed back;
she heard dentures go clack!,
yelled, ""de gr?ce? you've a coup but no chew!""
"
"we got ammo and night-vision gear,
and our chopper fuelled up means that we're
really rarin' to go.
give 'em hell, boys! gung ho!
combat-ready? durn tootin'! no fear!
"
"yes, your 4x4's service is due
and a courtesy car's booked for you.
it'll bounce through the trees,
one-in-ones climb with ease?
kids to school? it should handle that too.
"
"when bombarded with protests, the dey
said, 'my slaves will stay put! free? no way.'
to algiers the fleets sailed;
their bombardment prevailed.
and the slaves? freed with no more delay!
"
"when the chattering classes convene,
they discuss haute couture; haute cuisine;
highbrow music and art;
politicians who start
an affair with results unforseen.
"
"winston churchill, not one to eschew
giving praise when he felt it was due,
said that, ""never in such
human conflict's so much
by so many been owed to so few.""
"
"we dined well on good wines and risotto.
sex appeal-wise, she wasn't that hot. ""oh,
you're drunk."" she looked riled.
""you're no venus,"" i smiled.
""come tomorrow, though, i won't be blotto.""
"
"it's a certainty, foregone conclusion,
a no-brainer pre-empting confusion,
an unstoppable trend
to a singular end;
it's a gambling fanatic's delusion.
"
"shared a cell with a down and out guy.
had the nickname bojangles, but why?
could he tap, dance a lick,
jump that high, heels a-click?
no, and yet, talked of life, he and i.
"
"i'm all things to all people and preach,
praising censorship, freedom of speech;
vegetarian eating,
though steak takes some beating?
mine's rare; working hard?where's the beach?
"
"shredded sails, splintered masts, timbers charred
are mute witness to damage that's scarred
his proud frigate. he yells,
""one more broadside! if hell's
what they want, point-blank, lads! hit 'em hard!""
"
"i was hoping i might make it pay,
but my fair-weather friends wouldn't play.
i was wrong to begin,
so i'll just chuck it in,
give it up, call it off, walk away.
"
"it's behaviour i cannot condone:
when a diner whose musical phone
sounds a jingly alert
while i eat my dessert.
i think, go! dine alfresco alone.
"
"your compliance i wish to entice.
let soft pillows and duvet suffice
to ensure that your form
is both comfy and warm?
so i snore! snuggle up?this is nice.
"
"on the end of a stem made of clay,
my old churchwarden's bowl every day
is well-thumbed as i suck it.
no, i'll never chuck it,
so cool. ah! the smoke's on its way.
"
"shells and bullets were harmless until
cartridge-packed with some cordite: a fill
that, ignited, went crack!
in defence or attack:
a propellant to warn, maim or kill.
"
"i'm approaching the ultimate bend,
no more future with which to contend.
though i'm beaten, burned out,
i conclude with a shout,
""let the credits roll! this is the end!""
"
"my reception was chilly i thought.
my hello! earned an icy retort.
""so, you're back! what's the rush?
are you over your crush
on that tart?!"" (trousers down?i'd been caught.)
"
"in your car, all your junk tightly shove
(from the garage or loft up above),
and then spread it around
in large heaps on the ground
at a car boot sale foragers love.
"
"i'm an anticarcinogen fan
and praise lycopene's worth with elan.
i can't stop when i start. oh,
my processed tomato
supplies it in bottle or can.
"
"i've just worked out this strategy for
really boosting my limerick score.
i need one, maybe two
workshop editors who
would conspire to...wait! close the door!
"
"god, i feel a right charlie, a berk,
and pissed off by the ma?tre d's smirk?
""your reunion is here,
but tomorrow, i fear.""
(i'm, in overpond language, a jerk.)
"
"if ""impossible"" dad ever heard,
he'd say, ""don't ever use such a word.""
and he banned those like can't,
told me, ""words like these aren't
for a man by no challenge deterred.""
"
"when a cylinder head's not clamped tight
to its barrel, the gap, although slight,
will cause power to drop,
which no gasket can stop
if those two machined faces don't bite.
"
"with a rather big bang it began,
astro-physicists claim with elan.
but the one i believe
mentions fig leaves on eve?
say no more! can you tell i'm a man?
"
"to the moon! what a challenge! who'd land
on it first? jfk played his hand.
though the soviets led,
nasa soon forged ahead.
and the eagle? the winner, as planned.
"
"if you've secrets, i'll listen ? feel free
to divulge them ? but i'll guarantee,
if you do, then i'll blab
(i've the gift of the gab);
blow the gaff (just between you and me).
"
"her apparel was loosened to please
all those guys; then it slipped past her knees,
but her g-string remained,
so those fellers complained.
she said, ""tough. you got strip, you get tease.""
"
"in conclusion, i'll?what?! please, don't shout!
i won't yield to a bellowing lout.
interrupt me? no, don't,
for your barracking won't
help your cause, so shut up! hear me out!
"
"a young lady seductively led
into woodlands a poacher who said,
""tell me straight, are you game?""
she said, ""yes."" he said, ""shame.""
and the consequence? boom! shot her dead!
"
"my acoustic device leaves no doubt
as to what my wife's nagging about.
""so, what's that in your ear?""
i say, ""pardon, my dear?""
""i'm still talking!"" she yells. ""take it out!""
"
"4x4s splash through fords; swerve through trees,
raising dust; traverse sand dunes with ease,
engines guzzling fuel,
but they're bought, as a rule,
just for shopping! think climate-change, please!
"
"in an anagram pairing they trod,
closely knit?peas (or apes?) in a pod.
she was norma, so what?
was a homer swan shot?
so his name was ram?n! what's so odd?
"
"was a trumpet designer involved
when this flared-muzzle weapon evolved?
its large bore ensured shot
would spread out quite a lot:
aiming problems the blunderbuss solved.
"
"the lab tech was bursting with pride.
""try this out on that guy who's just died.
it's my latest?a pill,
and i'm certain it will
bring him back?if he'll swallow!"" he cried.
"
"a camshaft's eccentric lobes bear
on the cylinders' valve stems; it's where,
once a rev, lobes apply
in-line motion whereby
valves are opened to fuel or to air.
"
"words of wisdom, i'm here to dispense,
may prevent your appearing so dense.
so, don't act like an oaf;
just get smart, use your loaf.
it's called cokum or plain common sense.
"
"you deplore all the issues i raise
in our regular, verbal affrays.
i would greet with relief
longed-for respites from grief
and, instead of a censure, your praise.
"
"""colonel custer! this message came in!""
""it can wait!"" ? ""it's concerning your kin!""
(one's passed on. he should grieve,
take compassionate leave.)
""really, sir, i....!"" ? ""no! bugler! begin!""
"
"tell me, what will it take to dissuade
you from joining this mad escapade?
oh, i wish you'd concur
but i've yet to deter
you despite the attempts that i've made.
"
"our new home deal fell through when we checked
out the pond ? the last thing to inspect.
it was overgrown, stunk,
full of slime-coated junk:
the detritus of years of neglect.
"
"i'd lost count of the bank safes i cracked
and the neat piles of banknotes i'd stacked,
but it came to a stop
when, waylaid by a cop,
i was caught dead to rights, in the act.
"
"i've discovered she's back on the pill
and asleep mumbles ""jeremy"". still,
she's my wife. i detect
something's wrong. i suspect
that her memory's failing?i'm bill.
"
"desperate measures, when all else has failed,
are the actions most likely entailed
in a last-ditch attempt,
from which no one's exempt,
to repel those by whom they're assailed.
"
"my back passage's haemorrhoids hurt.
my gp said, on lifting my shirt,
""your suppositories won't
do the trick if you don't
take the foil off ? while wrapped, they're inert.""
"
"me, drive carelessly? granted, yes i
sometimes swerve when more limericks fly
round my head. did i change
over lanes? this is strange!
bang! saint peter awaits me with ""hi!""
"
"their curricula vitae confound
all the bad guys to whom they redound.
will clark kent tell their crime?
is it superman's time
when tall buildings he leaps in one bound?
"
"in construction they're similar to
viking longboats, but fish they pursue.
dipping lugsail, larch strakes,
clinker-built?that's what makes
east coast cobles a pleasure to crew.
"
"you're plumb loco, from reason immured.
try to count (until ten you've secured).
shuffle letters and you'll
very soon spell out cool:
loco's opposite ? calm, self assured.
"
"anti-wrinkle cream hides what they'd see,
causes women to lust after me.
it's my crease-free complexion
that prompts their affection:
a silky-smooth skin guarantee.
"
"i'm an all terrain vehicle buff, fear
no incline nor bumps, and can steer
through gullies rock-strewn,
like the ones on the moon,
but this highway's so smooooth ? i'll drive here.
"
"why are christians increasingly snubbed
by non-christians whose forebears they drubbed
in religious crusades?
won't they cease their tirades
till that word from our language is scrubbed?
"
"i need to ensure you'll remain
close at hand, so i plan to detain
you awhile. i'm afraid
that your schedule's delayed,
so don't move, but feel free to complain.
"
"snakes and ladders was cribbed from the brits.
milton bradley (us) said, ""if it's
to succeed as a game
here, it needs a new name:
chutes and ladders! snakes bite! they're the pits!""
"
"got the booty, the proceeds, the swag.
stashed my ill-gotten gains in this bag.
i'm nocturnally deft
at what others call theft,
but if caught i'll become an old lag.
"
"choaxiodactyl was some
kind of tight-circling bird who could hum.
spun more tightly around
till its back-end it found,
it then vanished right up its own bum.
"
"at great cost you've contrived to allay
all our fears, so we ought to repay
you for making a stand
on behalf of us and
your resulting expenses defray.
"
"""what a find! it's an urn, clearly greek!""
the collector confirmed. ""it's antique.""
always willing to learn,
i asked, ""what's a greek urn?""
he said, ""four hundred euros a week.""
"
"i'm a j. arthur rank movies fan.
bombardier billy wells was the man
who would hammer the gong,
and its quivering bong
marked the point where the movie began.
"
"no deterrent is grimmer than this,
to forget it is sadly remiss.
m.a.d. is a gem:
they nuke us?we nuke them.
hello, radioactive abyss.
"
"when the guy who invented the wheel
was approached and asked, ""how does it feel
to do cutting edge stuff?""
he replied, ""good enough.
hrney frod wants to cut me a deal.""
"
"""a strategic withdrawal,"" you bleat.
realistically, i'd say retreat.
why not throw in the towel,
surrender? but how'll
you not describe that as defeat?
"
"now stand up and let's calmly discuss
your small lump. please don't make such a fuss.
trousers first?take them off.
let me feel. okay, cough!
as i thought?i'm prescribing a truss.
"
"i'm a goner?been hit by a truck.
then an angel appears?i'm in luck,
though i'm soon forced to carp,
""but you've got a flat harp:
it's a semitone down when you pluck.""
"
"all my gauges are acting awry.
no response to whatever i try.
autopilot's no go,
like the sat nav, and so
by the seat of my pants i must fly.
"
"mindless tasks, which i'm sinking beneath,
wrap their fronds round my neck like a wreath.
i'm so chocker (browned-off?
bored to tears, in a trough
of ennui?and fed up to the teeth).
"
"call a couple of game birds a brace
(not the brace that keeps teeth in their place).
when your head's on the block,
get prepared for a shock:
that's a brace with a short-lived, brave face.
"
"clark was desk-bound for most of the time,
where he'd work until called to fight crime.
then this hero renowned,
with one cape-flapping bound,
leapt tall buildings too scary to climb.
"
"we've cost issues that won't go away
and investors' concerns to allay.
any way that we slice it,
dissect it or price it,
we can't make the bloody thing pay!
"
"we've done nothing?it's time we began
to devise an appropriate plan
that'll further our dream
of concocting a scheme
to put fish, chips and peas in a can.
"
"her athenian boyfriend was short.
'i look down on him?fix it,' she thought.
now her line of sight shifts:
he's a greek wearing lifts
or the cuban-heeled shoes that she bought.
"
"sought career advice. ""let me explain,""
said my dad, ""why i need to restrain
your intent to haul freight:
son, i think you should wait.
five's too young to be driving a train.""
"
"battery farming's a practice i hate:
all those hens in a pitiful state
which arouses my rage?
they're cooped up in a cage,
never run, spread their wings, nest or mate.
"
"the ikea instructions were quite
clear to me: 'turn the screws till they're tight.'
anti-clockwise i turned,
but no joy. then i learned
that's it's dextrorotation that's right.
"
"catastrophically, i am bad news;
a wide berth round my crater i'd choose.
unless lava volcanic
won't stir you to panic,
get lost, before molten stuff spews.
"
"you are doing your prospects no good.
the results, to your detriment, could
rather quickly arise,
so more tact i'd advise,
to avoid being misunderstood.
"
"she grew careless. her husband, on spec,
on her movements decided to check.
she was caught in the act,
in flagrante, and cracked,
""this is not what it seems, dear?aw, heck!""
"
"noisy neighbours each side of my flat
were disturbing my peace so much that,
having sold my abode,
to my new home i rowed!
it's a lighthouse?detached?i'm now at.
"
"every season, with burgeoning zest,
offers gifts, though for me far the best
is when leaves by degrees
from deciduous trees
in a breeze leave the trees all undressed.
"
"when she first met her boss, she was shy,
didn't go for that look in his eye.
she said, ""i'm not your prize,
so desexualise,
or some harassment charges may fly.""
"
"to have ""more than one clone would be fun""?
two's been out far too long in the sun!
for to replicate joe
it's sufficient to show
that the first clone's enough, and i'm one.
"
"your arrival's a bolt from the blue,
but your room's here, still waiting for you.
welcome back to the fold,
come on in from the cold
now your prodigal son days are through.
"
"if you want me to quit, i'll accede
if your cushioning efforts succeed.
there's one parachute i'll
gladly jump with and smile:
it's a golden one?are we agreed?
"
"the valuer looked at my find:
a picasso?for so it was signed.
but i came back to earth
when he told me its worth.
'it's quite good, but a fake,' he opined.
"
"find adrenaline rushes quite sweet?
could be tombstoning's right up your street.
from a cliff top you leap
into water that's deep,
and i'm talking much more than three feet.
"
"""husband's working? come on! misbehave!
hanky-panky's the thing we both crave.""
creaking stairs!! ""hi, surprise!
cancelled trip! close your eyes!""
through the window jump; scarper! close shave!
"
"every rampart around us is smashed
and our hopes of deliverance dashed.
now defenceless, exposed,
with escape routes all closed,
and no weapons, we stand to get thrashed.
"
"no cromwellian outerwear thrills
any fashion designer whose skills
shun the puritans' way,
more austere than the gay
cavaliers' with its feathers and frills.
"
"agrippa at actium spoke
to his row-pacing, drum-beating stroke.
""lad, bang fast on that drum,""
and m.v. upped his thumb
after cleo and ant got the poke.
"
"either-or is the choice i like best.
only two must i put to the test.
""is you is? is you ain't?""
hamlet asked with restraint,
but in language poetically dressed.
"
"lost my chequebook! i got on the phone:
this guy answered?a call centre (groan!)
in lahore, but the gist
of his english i missed.
who needs chequebooks? i'm getting a loan!
"
"while the others conjectured or guessed,
all the salient points you addressed;
hit the nail on the head,
left no doubt?not a shred?
scored bang on with your plan. i'm impressed.
"
"if fred dibnah had been on the scene,
pisa's tower would no longer lean.
demolition so deft
was his job, and he left
piles of bricks strewn where chimneys had been.
"
"count your chickens before they are hatched
or to certainty grow too attached
means you're risking a slip
'twixt the cup and the lip.
(don't assume aim and upshot are latched).
"
"anonymity i strive to keep,
so that no wifely vengeance i reap.
when i'm out on the game,
i don't ask girls their name,
for i frequently talk in my sleep.
"
"i am downcast, disheartened and stressed,
lacking vigour, alertness or zest.
in despondency's grip,
i continue to slip
down a slope to?who cares? i'm depressed.
"
"all those dance bands of old used to thrill a
broad swathe of the public, but will a
resurgence of these
be a tuneful reprise
if not led by the likes of glenn miller?
"
"even calmer than just hanging loose:
inactivity, stillness, disuse.
it's called desuetude, so
there's no get up and go,
like a pulled-over car out of juice.
"
"where'd we sit if we didn't have chairs
to support 'take the weight off' affairs?
a posterior something,
a 'sitting on bum' thing,
a place for those soft derri?res.
"
"i put bundles of notes on the nose
of that nag, but he fell. i suppose
i'm demoralised, yet
i could win if i bet
one more time. (that's an uplifting close.)
"
"with your charm and your guile, you excite
pent-up lust, and my passions ignite.
if you dampen my ardour,
you'll likely retard a
potential conception tonight.
"
"hearing words like intelligent, shrewd
and good-looking, it's likely that you'd
think this rhyme's about you?
how conceited your view
of the smug, preening you you delude.
"
"six torpedo tubes?what a machine!
plus three guns?the intention is mean.
dives to two-fifty feet.
forty-five kept it sweet:
that's a cachalot class submarine.
"
"when i look in the mirror i see
an admiring reflection of me.
then it's joined by three more:
what a fabulous four!
which are clones? here's a clue?i'm called three.
"
"a mere clone? that's dismissive, undue,
and i feel rather hurt?wouldn't you?
i was told after one
that one more would be fun,
so i'm here and you've guessed it?i'm two.
"
"when the colt .45 was released,
thanks to sam, the gun's power increased!
with six chambers, each packed
with a slug, it's a fact
you'd more risk of becoming deceased.
"
"he had dotted the i's, crossed the t's;
second-guessed their intentions with ease;
made the running, but what's
better still?called the shots;
came in first; ran the show; earned his fees.
"
"comet seekers are telescopes and
are ideal when the heavens are scanned.
with their short focal length
and large aperture's strength,
the resultant bright image looks grand.
"
"world war two leaders' breaks from the fray
involved art, and when painting away,
winston daubed with panache,
but old adolf could dash
off a house with two coats in a day.
"
"sweat, deodorant, spittle and pee:
that's a cocktail unwholesome to me.
though the guidelines and rules
make us chlorinate pools,
i would much rather swim in the sea.
"
"across rivers they're built so that we
can cross dry-shod from ""a"" bank to ""b"".
there is no need to float,
swim or paddle a boat.
crossing water, it's bridges for me.
"
"anti-christian extremists may try
to pour scorn on the bible, though why
do they see as a threat
""love thy neighbour""? i'll bet
that if judged as they judge they would cry.
"
"though in fear that his stated intent
might be blocked by some hostile event,
he refused to show fright,
took no notice despite
his concerns?oh, how bravely he went.
"
"there's some virtue in caution, so wait.
wary thoughts of mine mean this debate
won't be heard to progress
to a firm 'no' or 'yes'
while my chariness fails to abate.
"
"i clock on, show my face, start the day
with a coffee?or three. it's a way
to earn cash, and i'm paid
rather well for my grade?
situation-wise, cushty, i'd say.
"
"he used devious means to achieve
his success. aces hid up his sleeve:
diamonds, hearts, clubs and spades
and assorted grenades.
win or lose?his opponent would grieve.
"
"facing death for her, gently i seethe.
every weapon to hand i unsheathe.
here she lies, old and frail;
we hold hands?death must fail.
""come on, mum, don't give up on me?breathe.""
"
"when cialis was launched, it was said
it would help fix the problem men dread.
from dysfunctional fuss
there arose one more plus:
they're unlikely to roll out of bed.
"
"you despatched the poor guy?yes, he's dead.
my report's been despatched and it's sped
at a pace hard to match
and with all due despatch.
when it's read they'll be after your head.
"
"up on tombstone's boot hill, lester moore
lies bumped off by a hot .44.
as it says by his plot,
with four slugs he was shot.
ain't no doubt there's no les any more.
"
"""to make turnover rapidly soar,
as jack cohen, my aim with each store?
'stack 'em high, sell 'em cheap'?
ensures customers keep
coming back to their tesco for more.""
"
"'cello scrotum' may cause some unease
when a cello is straddled by knees.
but you string-playing folks
can relax?it's a hoax.
as for 'cymbal nose', watch this space, please.
"
"on a lie her defence had been built.
when cross-questioned she started to wilt.
thus the case for the crown
sealed her fate?""take her down!""
ruled the judge when assured of her guilt.
"
"differentiate distance by time,
and the outcome's a vector that i'm
now about to reveal
with newtonian zeal?
it's velocity (metred in rhyme).
"
"he was brimful of driving ambition
till felled by a booze-soaked condition
which made him a lush.
he's a sad busted flush
and his drinks drown his need for contrition.
"
"in a multiple choice kind of test,
lady luck may prevail where you've guessed.
if you've ticked the right boxes,
the door it unlocks is
the winner's?but were you the best?
"
"you've had 43 presidents. now
number 44 stands at the prow.
in a bighearted land,
with a big job in hand
and god's help, he'll be keeping his vow.
"
"what a blinder! the ball fairly flashed
from his toe, in their net sweetly crashed.
he's the toast of our club,
now we're down at the pub
on a blinder?we're all getting smashed
"
"since my taste buds were starting to droop,
i enrolled in a gastronome group.
i'm dependent on dentures
for eating adventures,
but not when it comes to the soup.
"
"sammy davis, named after his pa
(and tagged 'junior'), remarked, ""there's no bar?
if a one-eyed, black jew
makes it, why shouldn't you?
sing like me, and you oughta go far.""
"
"creativity lies at the heart
of this mystical thing we call art:
stuff that stirs our emotions
with positive notions
no philistine's work can impart.
"
"gary cooper: the marshal at bay,
asked for help but found little that day.
in high noon, played will kane.
he awaited the train.
did the job; ditched his star; drove away.
"
"""banker, i need a loan!"" ""don't we all?
but the credit crunch means i must stall
on this subject. the onus,
despite my huge bonus,
must on to the government fall.""
"
"a broadsheet's a paper whose plus
is more room in its pages for fuss
about current affairs
than a tabloid. who dares
try to open one up on a bus?
"
"""it's a far better?."" ""non! a la carte!""
""so, the tumbril's about to depart?""
""non! the menu! each dish
priced and listed ? the fish?""
""no, the chop. i'll have that for a start.""
"
"a deserter abandons his post,
very often when needed the most,
all his duties ignores
and reneges on the cause
in which comrades or friends are engrossed.
"
"if it's brillig, you'll find them, no doubt.
that's when borogoves like to come out.
but the evidence? flimsy;
it's said they get mimsy
when slithy toves gimble about!
"
"to begin, i get picked on and then
outmanoeuvred again and again.
though at every turn he
gets one over on me,
i'll prevail?and till then, count to ten.
"
"the downside to rattling a sabre's
not one that the rattler belabours.
the fact he could lose
means a climb-down ensues:
a conversion to 'loving thy neighbours.'
"
"they spread viruses, can harm the wrist,
and if key-tapping surfers persist
in exploring the net,
their computers soon get
enough spam to drive them round the twist.
"
"em forces repel or attract,
and by inverse-square laws interact.
they're proportional to
the charge un times charge deux.
gee ? i think coulomb's law i've just cracked!
"
"though you've plenty to lose, stake it all.
no half measures, you'll stand or you'll fall.
you've got assets, so play,
go for broke, seize the day,
your best shot, at all costs, you must call.
"
"the cartesian coordinate system
(ren? descartes' brainchild): its gist? mm...
involves x and y.
i've more facts on this guy
like ""je pense, donc je suis."" shall i list 'em?
"
"it was tenzing and hillary who
confirmed everest conquerable ? two
worthy men game to dare,
just because it was there,
and an earthbound man's loftiest view.
"
"""it's a turn-on,"" she whispered. enthralled
and intrigued, i replied, ""what's it called?""
""depilation,"" she smiled.
""plucking hairs drives me wild.""
(well, i'm already sorted?i'm bald.)
"
"we've no elbows, though elbow room's banned.
we're beheaded, tailed, cooked and then canned.
very densely, we're crammed.
head to toe (ha-ha) jammed.
bigger cans we sardines should demand.
"
"global warming's our pathway to hell.
cars cause climate change, but i foretell:
if more often we cycle,
the earth that we like'll
delight our descendants as well.
"
"i'd be off like a shot from a gun
to a planet which circles its sun
in two earth years.  my age,
i'm delighted to gauge,
would be half eighty-two?forty-one!
"
"me dishonest? i'm whiter than white.
your denouncement is most impolite.
check my claims?they're within
all the guidelines. my sin
was pretending the guidelines were right.
"
"if you want to defoliate crops,
call up leaf-eating locusts: they're tops
and view acres of soy
as a snack to enjoy,
while each stalk they decapitate flops.
"
"it was bedding his daughter that led
to a gun muzzle pressed to my head
while defencelessly nude.
""that's my daughter you've screwed!""
yelled her dad. ""better wed or you're dead!""
"
"freedom's march by protestors was led
when britain's democracy bled.
from my comfort zone why
should i march? no, i'll try
writing letters to broadsheets instead.
"
"yes, virginia was game, as i'd heard;
to my overtures never demurred.
she was quite a good sport?
""call me virgin for short.""
not for long: defloration occurred.
"
"you just pushed in my wing, what's your game?
it's not much, but a dent just the same.
at the wheel you're inept,
so you'll have to accept
a large bill for repairs?you're to blame.
"
"disconnect me! you're loath to? that's tough.
life's a bitch now, the going's too rough.
no more drugs, no more knife,
please decouple my life-
support system. i've had quite enough.
"
"if you lack the ambition and lust
for advancing more quickly, i trust
you'll console yourself till
dead men's shoes you might fill
when a guy further up bites the dust.
"
"to decussate two timbers entails
joining short and long lengths with some nails.
its assembly sufficed
to accommodate christ
on a cross, where redemption prevails.
"
"when their souls satan offers to buy,
devil worshipers gladly comply,
then cavort in the nude
round an altar! how lewd!
hmm. don't knock it?let's give it a try.
"
"banana has one letter less
than bandana?an item of dress.
a dropped skin can cause grief,
while a silk neckerchief
(sometimes cotton) is worn to impress.
"
"there are schemes for which plotters have need
of a decoy, whose role is to lead
into danger a victim,
who won't know they've picked him
or her ? till their tactics succeed.
"
"it's a cross-dressing moment for me:
bra, suspender belt? y-fronts? oh, gee!
frilly knickers or trunks?
sexy ladies' or hunks'?
shoes, stilettos; shirt, blouse; 'she' or 'he'?
"
"in great britain you worked 'down the pit'.
hewing coal from a coalface took grit
as you worked on your knees ?
and black lung, a disease,
was the coalfield's reward for your spit.
"
"diving aircraft's a bit of a blast
till your comfort-zone speed is surpassed.
to restore your enjoyment,
slow down with deployment
of dive brakes, then level off fast.
"
"please don't think it's my aim to detract
from your salesmanship, but it's a fact
that our firm won't survive
with your discounts. to thrive
we'll be pruning our sales force. you're sacked!
"
"i can't for the life of me see
abiologists spending on me
analytical time,
and the reason is i'm
not inanimate. hi-yo! whoopee!
"
"to impress, i leapt down, arms outspread,
while the chopper's blades whirred overhead.
whipped by downwash, my tie's
flapping ends lashed my eyes,
but my hairpiece went walkies instead.
"
"doxological statements attest
to the glory of god and invest
christianity's creed,
by each vocalised deed,
be it prose, verse or hymn, with due zest.
"
"""good enough"" is a phrase to detest.
of half measures myself i divest.
there's a yardstick that i
to each challenge apply:
for an outcome of worth, do one's best.
"
"does the present seem dreary to you?
have you nothing exciting in view?
keep the future in mind:
down the line you might find,
looking back, you'd no cause to be blue.
"
"an american indian tribe
(the mohicans) inspired this scribe.
through his writings galore,
we're encouraged to more
of james fenimore cooper imbibe.
"
"i've tried threesomes. i'm quite well-endowed,
but my head wasn't all that was bowed.
for a lively affair
all you need is a pair.
two is company, three is a crowd.
"
"a duet? i sing 're' to your 'do'
and my 'fa' coincides with your 'so'.
'la' combines with your 'mi'.
with my pitch, who needs 'ti'?
though a dissonant prospect, let's go!
"
"compsognathus, a biped, could breast
any tape well ahead of the rest
and in six seconds flat
ran a hundred yards. that
is some dinosaur! gosh, i'm impressed!
"
"once muhammad ali was the king
of the canvassed-floored, four-cornered ring.
he stabbed bee-like stings
on a butterfly's wings.
gum-shield in! seconds out! ting-a-ling!
"
"feisty dames some men rate as real fine,
but i once had some trouble with mine.
the determining factor,
that is, when i smacked her
behind, made her fall into line.
"
"you've been dumped, but it's great to be free,
as i found when it happened to me,
so i'll offer you some
consolation, old chum:
there are plenty more fish in the sea.
"
"there were gopher wood planks all around,
then assembly instructions were found:
""divine guidance re: ark,
ere your craft should embark,
nail and caulk to avoid being drowned.""
"
"johnny cash was a string-slapper who
liked to sing about people he knew.
he earned inmates' acclaim
when they learned his real name
wasn't tom, dick or harry?but sue!
"
"though illegal, a bribe subtly made
often leads to a deal in the trade.
so it backs up my hunches
regarding 'free' lunches:
there's always a price to be paid.
"
"disestablishmentarians cry,
""it's not right for a church to ally
with the state."" it's a link
which on balance they think
should be seen as a knot to untie.
"
"the words christian required to woo
he had not. it was cyrano who
spoke, from shadows, of love
to roxane, up above,
on behalf of her suitor, in view.
"
"if a blood clot blocks one of your veins,
you'll experience terrible pains.
as more blood cells congeal
(red and white) you will feel
that you'll very soon wind up 'remains'.
"
"all my left-turning plans come to naught,
so what good are these maps that i bought?
dextrotropic's my plight:
i'm inclined to turn right
when i ought to be turning to port.
"
"it would seem that my fate has been sealed.
i've no access to fixes to wield.
can't go forward or back.
can't defend or attack.
the cleft stick that i'm trapped in won't yield.
"
"obama has made it! good news!
the us got a president who's,
with sincere perseverance
and dark-skinned appearance,
won more votes endorsing his views.
"
"a corral is where livestock is penned
in the open, no place to contend
with the earps and the doc
whose brief showdowning shock
was to presage ike's motley gang's end.
"
"as opposed to the counting of sheep,
an amphetamine fix defers sleep.
auden's self-confessed vice?
he found benzedrine nice,
as it sharpened his poetry's sweep.
"
"i've done things i'm not proud of, but hey!
when it comes to my friends i can say,
although flirting is fine,
i'm no cad?toe the line:
rub another man's rhubarb? no way!
"
"a community prospers and thrives
around neighbourly folk and their lives.
empty second homes, though,
kill communities, so
let's condemn them while kinship survives.
"
"naafi doughnuts on fridays we had
when my uniformed, stubble-chinned dad
brought them warm from the camp;
kissed my mum; called me champ.
wartime childhood and treats? not so bad.
"
"i was harassed, encircled, then seized
by a force and increasingly squeezed
in a pincer-like clamp
on a pain-rising ramp
till i screamed and the pressure was eased.
"
"if you drive so befuddled by drink
that the elephants look rather pink
as you veer with such verve
(alcoholically swerve),
you could sober up locked in the clink.
"
"""the earth's flat!"" so i've heard you allege,
but to facts my allegiance i pledge.
utter drivel like yours
absolutely ignores
that if true, we could fall off the edge!
"
"i replace names of things i forget
with a ""fit-them-all"", as when i met
this cute chick. took the lead.
arm outstretched. asked if she'd
hold my doodah, a ploy i regret.
"
"alas, there was evidence found
of a fishing boat running aground
on the rocks in the bay:
namely driftwood that lay
on the beach, scattered widely around.
"
"though this sleigh has been fitted with skids,
their deployment this service forbids,
for it's hauled through the sky
by nine reindeer that fly:
a delivery system for kids.
"
"the monitor started to beep.
this was more than descent into sleep.
he, beginning to pray,
watched his mum drift away,
kissed her forehead and started to weep.
"
"she has stopped adding items; her plight
means dreams fade of a wedding in white,
for her hair's turning grey.
still, she hopes for the day
when her bottom-drawer stuff sees the light.
"
"if a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip
prompts a word rather vulgar, this tip
could refine things. i feel
it's so english, genteel:
just say ""bother!"" ? avoid letting rip.
"
"when a drunk in the bar tried to paw
at my wife, i yelled, ""you're out the door!""
and to drive home the point
knocked him out of the joint
with a haymaker ? fractured his jaw.
"
"to arthritic old age she's been led.
reaching down's a manoeuvre to dread.
though she hobbles along
her defiance is strong;
look?she still displays toenails (bright red)!
"
"through the canyon they trotted, eyes peeled.
rifles barked from above, horses wheeled!
in this dry-gulching hell,
one by one, riders fell,
slain by cold-blooded gunmen concealed.
"
"he's called the lone ranger, but why,
when he's always accompanied by
a companion called tonto
who saddles up pronto
to ride with this singular guy?
"
"in my skirt and high heels i evoke
surprised gasps from conventional folk.
your considerateness, though,
of my glam ? head to toe ?
makes me feel a much happier bloke.
"
"when a dubious deal's to be swung,
there's a common occurrence among
those it cheats?they describe
that contemptible bribe
with a four-letter word. it's a bung.
"
"definitions depend on the view
of the person they're relevant to.
""so is 'marriage' a word?""
been there twice?that's absurd!
it's a sentence that starts with ""i do"".
"
"a drift net's not trawled but is buoyed
up by floats after being deployed
in the current or tide,
and the fish caught inside
are then filleted, cooked and enjoyed.
"
"there's no sudden defection or split
but a breaking away bit by bit.
it's a bearable way,
for two people as they
drift apart, to delay ""this is it!""
"
"reactions to stimuli?viewed
psychologically?seem to include
people's adience (buying)
or abience (shying),
dependent on impulse or mood.
"
"""every pane in my greenhouse, alas,
needs replacing!"" my friend said, ""you ass!
it's your glasses, in fact.
both the lenses are cracked.
i've just saved you a fortune in glass.""
"
"when instrumentation acquires
information from sensors through wires
or telemetry, which,
after start-trigger's switch,
is transferred, data capture transpires.
"
"scientific analysis rests
on conducting exploratory tests.
acquisition of data
for studying later
is key to this discipline's quests.
"
"papers shrivel, writhe, steam (so we learn),
then, at fahrenheit 451, burn.
thus ray bradbury wrote,
and the title i quote
of his novel whose pages i turn.
"
"battling ptsd was the cost
to be borne for the comrades he'd lost?
so much slaughtering done
in a fight dearly won.
though unscathed, in guilt's seas he was tossed.
"
"rear view mirrors towards them they skew,
then their makeup concernedly view
and concurrently steer,
signal, brake and change gear.
(women drivers crash less than men too.)
"
"flattish, circular masses of dung,
when excreted by cows, could be hung
by a string when they're dry
where they'd challenge a fly
who'd find cowpats hard work with its tongue.
"
"splintered glass, burnt-out wrecks still alight!
cratered roads, shell-pocked houses indict
mankind's hostile intent.
we should really lament
that this debris is sadly our plight.
"
"""you've a blood-spattered face!"" cried the bat
to his pal. ""we're not vampires?why's that?""
""over there. do you see
a tall steeple?"" choked he
in reply, ""well, i didn't and?splat!""
"
"it's a no to gods other than me,
disrespect, idol worshipping, see?
you can wail, ""that's enough!""
when i catechise. tough!
(like the seventh commandment can be.)
"
"take a drive chain with links made of steel
whose bushed rollers engage a toothed wheel
called a sprocket, and now
to a second, mesh. pow!
you've a power transmission done deal.
"
"""coming out?"" ? ""yes, i'm ready today!""
""don't you care, though, what people might say?""
""so, we're men pushing fifty,
but still very nifty.
my skateboard's been fixed, so let's play.""
"
"polypodiales, the order,
embraces these wood ferns i laud: a
reward that they win
since they cluster within
my dryopteridaceae border.
"
"a divorce court's where couples who've wed,
but no longer cohabit in bed,
make their pleas under oath
to annul that which both
pledged to honour till either was dead.
"
"i've been dialing and smiling since nine
to close deals down this telephone line.
though most cold-calling trails
lead to nowhere, if sales
that i clinch top my target, that's fine.
"
"in the heat of the moment my fists
flailed about. a cop snapped round my wrists
cuffs, and so thus restrained,
i was charged and detained.
that's the fate of a drunk who resists.
"
"with uranium-235 packed
into atom bombs, people attacked
have no options to choose.
mass destruction ensues.
inhumane? to our shame, that's a fact.
"
"to his golf he devoted his life?
a decision that caused him much strife.
his devotion was such
that he got out of touch
and was posted 'mislaid' by his wife.
"
"an ambiguous proverb i chose
on the shedding of clothing. it goes:
""you must ne'er cast a clout
till may's seen to be out.""
may?the month or the blossom? who knows?
"
"'attention!'?a warning?take heed
straight away and comply, if there's need,
with instructions that guide,
and by which you abide
unless deaf or unable to read.
"
"i once used to be top of the heap,
but those fans who all cheered me now weep.
hey, i'll train ? get in shape ?
vault the ropes ? wear a cape!
and my comeback's a promise i'll keep!
"
"in bilingual fun mum used to say
sometimes, 'san fairy ann' to convey
with her 'off the hook' wit,
the above, meaning 'it
doesn't matter'?in anglo-fran?ais.
"
"poor old nag, it was starving, dead beat
and, as crow-bait, the imminent treat
in a carrion feast.
feed it oats was the least
i could do?get it back on its feet.
"
"it's the shattering, crumbling or smashing
of entities subject to bashing,
from which situation
reversed aggregation,
or disintegration, brings trashing.
"
"a banana skin, which you unzip,
is quite safe till you carelessly flip
it aside to the ground?
moist and floppy, it's bound
to make someone go arse over tip.
"
"though this door opener tactic entails
conning elderly women for sales,
my enquiry if they
from their windows won't stray ?
""is your mother at home?"" ? never fails.
"
"my gift she was quick to condemn.
""they're real diamonds?"" she snorted. ""what! them?
you're a sweet-talking bum.
they're just achroite, chum.
that's a colourless, tourmaline gem!""
"
"i'm a dunker ? content that my munch
starts off softly, then ends with a crunch.
disapproval? i'll risk it,
since dipping my biscuit
in tea gives my snacking more punch.
"
"he accumulates ill-gotten dough.
ingrained rules petty crooks couldn't know
make him alter his life
with a gun or a knife;
he's a double-dyed villain, a pro.
"
"aren't you new here? i thought so. how nice!
give a yell if you want some advice.
till you get up to speed
let me know what you need.
(my companionableness breaks the ice.)
"
"ever thought what a bench hook is for?
well, imagine a vice's fixed jaw
with an underside ledge,
which the work bench's edge
will constrain, and so brace what you saw.
"
"seventh round. ""goodbye, sucker!"" he said,
but his knockout intention i'd read.
so i focused on sucking
my gumshield and ducking
his punch, which went over my head.
"
"colour bearers aren't scared to disclose
their position with flags they expose
in parades or in battle:
the kind of act that'll
spur comrades and rattle their foes.
"
"shooting drugs, getting high was my lot,
from the substance dependence i'd got.
so cold turkey i tried:
laid off drugs; nearly died.
have i kicked them? one more? well, why not?
"
"so i'm driving (hic!) under the (hic!)
(oh, god...) inflooooooence. (whoops! i got sick.)
yeah, i'm drunk! me, resist?
not a chance. i'm too pissed!
you're a cop, an' one hot-lookin' chick!
"
"start from 10, count to 99, then
check those two-digit numbers again.
you will have in your haul
ninety numbers. they're all
double figures, like 50 and 10.
"
"a bushed roller consists of a pin
that's constrained by a housing within
which it turns in a sleeve,
with the aim to achieve
a mechanically frictionless spin.
"
"to ensure a good joint between two
wooden items, drill holes partway through
faces meant to abut;
then a dowel pin cut
and push in after coating with glue.
"
"it's a cave. i'm a troglodyte ? so?
like your flat, it's my dwelling place though
if you think fixed abodes
aren't your style, hit the roads.
winnebagos make great 'homes to go'.
"
"i'm rebuilding a card-castle when
my ineptness in nudging the ten
and the seven of hearts
makes the structural parts
i destabilise tumble again.
"
"debts of honour aren't settled in court.
that's morality's province. in short,
being honest and true
guarantees ""iou""
to a settlement's closure is brought.
"
"being vertically challenged (dwarfs are)
to his movie career seemed a bar.
got the role playing dopey,
which clinched the one hope he
had clung to and made him a star.
"
"for a suit i was measured. my shape
stretched the tailor's finesse with the tape.
annotative mystique
was exposed by my peek
at his notes: ""slightly stooped, like an ape.""
"
"having no fixed abode he was sunk.
on the streets for a month. boy, he stunk.
in a park in the town,
he was forced to doss down
overnight?used a bench for a bunk.
"
"if you're wrenched like a rooted-up tree
from the place you've elected to be
(which deracinate means),
this forced exit from scenes
of your choice is by callous decree.
"
"my bonnie lies over the ocean?
the spur to the following notion:
i'll buy a canoe,
take some sandwiches too.
let my paddling confirm my devotion.
"
"in the ring he takes many a thump.
now his ear is misshapen: a lump
called a cauliflower ear.
he should quit, but i fear
he's a battle-scarred, foolhardy chump.
"
"cut-throat razors, increasingly rare,
(most confined to the barbershop's chair)
have a single-edged blade,
one end hinged, as it's made
to fold into the handle (with care).
"
"""steal a car, smash and grab, hit and run.
crash a road block, resist, pull a gun.
and i've still got space left
on this charge sheet for theft,""
said the desk sergeant. ""cell time, old son.""
"
"man or mouse? didn't have to think twice,
so my choice was resolved in a trice.
""i most certainly can
say i must be a man,
since my wife's really frightened of mice.""
"
"wear the trousers? not me! help me, please.
i've a dominant wife to appease.
i say ""yes dear"" all day.
in despair, start to pray
for a break, then she yells, ""off your knees!""
"
"you're defeated. don't try to pretend
that you've anything left to defend.
these surrender terms need
to be signed, so proceed
to the dotted line, right at the end....................
"
"some objectives you'll likely attain
on your own, to your personal gain,
but if help's to be sought,
you could drum up support
with a ""common cause"" kind of campaign.
"
"the result from a maths-type debate
 for describing the chance that a state
 will recur, draws on greek
 whose words path and work speak
 for ergodic, a word worth the wait.
"
"the escape wheel has teeth. in a clock,
they mesh tick! with the pallet, then tock!
every second. the tick!
or the tock! with each click
marks time tick! with a to and fro rock.
"
"when decay has reduced them to trash,
your poor choppers you no longer gnash.
but if they're replaced
with false teeth, then you're graced
with brand new pearly-whites you can flash.
"
"you're, perhaps, in deep trouble today,
since the actions you've brought about may
earn a stinging riposte,
whose satanic-scale cost
means you'll soon have the devil to pay.
"
"a man first catches cold (dies of that).
he's interred where the worms chew the fat.
worms eat him; ducks eat worms;
we eat ducks ? which confirms
ilkley moor as the place, but ""baht 'at"".
"
"when this enzyme called amidase acts
as a catalyst, here are the facts:
amides, hydrolised, free
acrid gas, nh3,
whose foul smell irks respiratory tracts.
"
"consecutively line up a q,
u, e, u, i, n, g and then you
will see queuing they spell.
that's a word you'll know well,
if you've waited in line to go through.
"
"threats in h-bomb-linked crises we got
through the cold war?mistrust was our lot.
arms reductions by name
were achieved all the same.
ron and gorbie stopped cold turning hot!
"
"you can stretch or compress it but then
an elastomer, rubberlike, when
either stretched or compressed,
will reshape when unstressed,
and it does it again and again.
"
"preserving your dignity through
justifiable reasons which you
link to your falling short
is to what you resort
in riposte. that's what face-savers do.
"
"here's some fast-breaking news you won't like!
soaps can wait; there's a nuclear strike,
and it's heading our way.
i need both hands to pray,
so will someone take over this mike?
"
"people tell me i shrug quite a lot,
and i often sum up with ""so what?""
well my destiny's been
predetermined, i mean
i'm a fatalist, like it or not.
"
"""i see harry's not here again. why?
you seemed happy. have things gone awry?""
""yes my life's really changed.
we've split up. we're estranged.
live apart now. it looks like goodbye.""
"
"those flat-earth people, so they allege,
remain true to their outdated pledge
by avoiding, to wit,
the earth's farthermost bit,
to preclude falling over the edge!
"
"bold napoleon said with a grin,
""it's an island, stop ships getting in
to their ports till they're drubbed.
my new system they've dubbed
'continental'. those brits cannot win!""
"
"lord ? your random selection's a mess!
it's a hotchpotch i have to address.
so i'll change this ark's cargo.
it's such a farrago.
my two by two plan! nothing less!
"
"it's fast-paced, and a movie-buff treat.
had me right on the edge of my seat!
burt drives into the pool
where jill's swimming! so cool!
kills the shark, shouts, ""hop in! he's dead meat!""
"
"aimed low, british cannonballs zoom
at the french, who, to clinch england's doom,
shoot at rigging: panache
that fells masts with a crash,
while the brits bash those french hulls?boom! boom!
"
"to this hand-built erection they're led.
it's where women are best not to tread,
but where men enjoy screwing
and drilling and gluing:
a blokey thing men call a shed.
"
"i'm on tenterhooks, answer my plea
for some subject to fascinate me.
then my curious streak
is aroused as you speak
to a spell-binding, awe-filled degree.
"
"you pooh-pooh every offer from me
and with each of my schemes disagree.
you concede not a jot,
so i sulk and why not?
i'm dissatisfied, as you can see.
"
"devolution's about distribution
of power. with fair execution,
a state that accedes
to its regional needs
achieves peace and avoids revolution.
"
"by orde wingate the chindits were led
through the jungles of burma then fed
and supplied 'anywhere'
by the u.s. 1st air,
while avenging an infamy's dead.
"
"look! my name's got a handle. you ought
to try courtesy. use some! in short,
start with mister. okay?
disrespectful's no way
to behave if you want my support.
"
"""with these orders you have to comply.
just concur with the strategy i
know will further our cause.""
there was barely a pause
before ""wilco"" was heard in reply.
"
"all the bits of a biscuit or cake,
which evolve into crumbs as they flake,
caused a rhino chagrin
(they got under his skin).
he'd unbuttoned, stripped off?big mistake.
"
"you belittle and ridicule my
reputation maliciously. why
do you denigrate me,
when my track record's key
to negating whatever you try?
"
"which came first? was it chicken-or-egg?
that's a puzzle whose answer we beg:
an anachronous query
or temporal theory
providing an omelette or leg.
"
"while the three musketeers so excited
us all, and our passions ignited,
a rallying call
""all for none, none for all""
would have sounded a tad disunited.
"
"their greed caused a great deal of rancour;
the size of their bonuses sank a
financial illusion
from which my conclusion
is: don't lend your cash to a banker.
"
"gather round now and listen, you lot!
we will convocate here. ""tell us what,
though, does convocate mean?""
it's a bit like convene.
see line one! prayers at six! on the dot!
"
"if you do it with people around,
lose your balance and slump to the ground,
one might say, ""oh he's pissed!
don't attempt to assist.
he'll fall over again, i'll be bound.""
"
"to the breach, my dear friends, let's deploy
and embattle our troops, then destroy
those whose sabres they rattle.
let's slay them like cattle,
for that'll bring all of us joy.
"
"when describing a painting, i'd say
that an ekphrasis might be the way:
using words germane spent
on the artist's intent,
make it clear what he meant to portray.
"
"could betrayal's intent be so mean?
should the boy in the painting come clean?
the ""and when did you last
see your father?"" surpassed
any other dilemma i'd seen.
"
"in scenarios somewhat surreal,
blast-proof silos are built to conceal
skulking icbms,
whose launch surely condemns
stricken folk to a deadly ordeal.
"
"i remember the cold war quite well.
with its four-minute warning of hell
if unleashed, m.a.d.
held out horrors for me;
and on them i preferred not to dwell.
"
"""gosh your face looks familiar. no, wait!
how these 'tip of the tongue' things i hate!""
then he says, ""here's a clue.
think of taming a shrew.""
""william shakespeare!"" ""of course. kiss me, kate!""
"
"nelson's corpse was effectually barred
from all contact with air, though it jarred
grieving men in his fleet
to place nelson in neat
brandy, camphor and myrrh, under guard.
"
"if you're plagued by intestinal strife,
enterotomy may save your life:
 a remedial aid
 whereby access is made
 to your gut with a surgical knife.
"
"euphemistically speaking, i say,
""spend a penny"" not ""urinate"". stay
on this theme and what flows
when you ""powder your nose"",
""calls of nature"" discreetly purvey.
"
"when the soloist failed to appear,
i was asked to play something by ear.
my extemporisation
received an ovation,
backed up by an ear-splitting cheer!
"
"with the showdown about to begin,
he, intent upon saving his skin,
raised his colt, drew a bead
on the guy in the lead,
as the posse approached and closed in.
"
"abmigration's a wintertime drake's
change of flock, when his own he forsakes
for some breeding grounds new,
where his springtime debut
makes a mum of each duck that he takes.
"
"""it's gone pear-shaped,"" the hen sadly wailed.
""yes, not ovoid,"" the cock said, ""you've failed.
circumventing the norm
isn't good, let's perform,
till our egg-shaped objective is nailed.""
"
"""cost-of-living allowance? you joke!""
i replied to my son when he spoke
of a cash-flow review:
""three squares daily, that's true,
but i'm twelve!""?""well, i'm forty and broke.""
"
"re your brainwave: awake and alert's
when your brain's beta rhythm in hertz
measures somewhere between
twelve and thirty to mean
it's okay, and some worries averts.
"
"easygoingness, yes, that's my style;
since i really don't care, i just smile.
not concerned or perplexed,
i don't fret or get vexed.
life's a breeze, not a burdensome trial.
"
"to ensure your planned strategy works
and pre-empt all those 'told you so' smirks,
it's much better rehearsed
with a dummy run first,
to sniff out operational quirks.
"
"when you pull on your socks, spare a thought
for acanthopods' hose which get caught
in the spines of their feet.
could chiropodists treat
this complaint, which with ladders is fraught?
"
"gordon brown ? is he up to the job?
he's devoid of charisma ? no throb.
he's been called mr. bean.
(stalin's long left the scene.)
if he quits, should we party or sob?
"
"lack of fashion sense made me depressed,
till my y-fronts i binned with some zest.
then i went out and bought
satin thongs, but one thought:
into what do i tuck my string vest?
"
"up and down, for as long as it takes,
you must bend it, ensuring it makes
enough flexures until
comes that fracturous thrill:
its fatigue strength's exceeded! it breaks!
"
"infirm? paralytic? don't baulk
at faith healing. ""rise now and walk.""
that's what jesus was at
when the man on the mat
popped straight up from it, just like a cork!
"
"eric's love of fast food was the cause
of gross plumpness a woman abhors.
""turns girls off,"" a friend said.
""give up burgers and bread.""
now slim eric keeps trim, and he scores!
"
"when an echoencephalograph scanned
noninvasively, painlessly, and
ultrasonic waves beamed
through my head, it was deemed
by the doc that my brain was unmanned!
"
"cloth from fibre or yarn? start to knit,
although blokes might start squirming a bit.
(we don't like to be seen
wielding needles) i mean,
knitting fabric, we'd feel like a twit!
"
"one polygon's side you project,
so an angle outside you effect
twixt that side and the side
now adjacent. (this guide
says exterior angle's correct.)
"
"i'm a rep with the gift of the gab,
so my clients-to-be think i'm fab.
my expense account lunches
yield orders in bunches
(my boss, bless him, picks up the tab).
"
"ot prophet ezekiel said
to the lord, ""these dry bones, are they dead?""
lord god said, ""well, they're dry,
but i promise when i
breathe upon them, they'll praise me instead.""
"
"it's short notice, but after my cue,
say these words and let's see if you'll do:
yes i will. ""yes i will.""
wow! you sure fit the bill,
and we might make a star out of you!
"
"times are hard, but we'll manage, my dear.
we're not too badly off, though i fear
things could get rather grave,
but let's scrimp and let's save,
sell your golf clubs and?strange, he's not here!
"
"""by god, sir! i've just lost my leg.""
""by god, sir, you have, but i beg
that a stiff upper lip
and some brave british quip
will encourage the troops, what? good egg!""
"
"in the lord's holy bible a beast
and false prophet soon wound up deceased?
fire and brimstone the fix
(flame and sulphur the mix),
which dispensed with the need for a priest.
"
"through his fingertips melodies soared.
from the keyboard he charmed every chord.
yes, the ends of his fingers
were certain to bring us
up out of our seats to applaud.
"
"i should warn you, i'm solid, a rock.
forget soft, i'm of obdurate stock.
hard, unyielding, so please,
if you're tempted to squeeze
me, my firmness may give you a shock!
"
"the small room just inside the front door
of this house was where jack i first saw.
'you're geoff johnson?' he said.
i then nodded my head
in that foyer. 'i'm johnson. and you're?'
"
"a fairing fills areas where,
having none, there'd be turbulent air.
it's a streamlining trick
to make movement a slick
operation: a drag-less affair.
"
"the girl's hip pains had vanished for good
as the healer had promised they would.
getting rid of her crutch
was the finishing touch
and she walked like a normal girl should.
"
"trolley's packed. leap aboard! cut it fine.
i feel fazed by a hand grabbing mine!
though confused, it's so grand
just to stand with her hand
holding mine, to the end of the line.
"
"if mechanically something's compressed
or expanded when thermally stressed,
extensometers are
the right gauges by far:
for small length changes, simply the best.
"
"when herr hitler took over as head
of the reich, he quit painting and said,
""i'm now chancellor, so,
to my chancellery go,
tear down pictures; pin maps there instead!""
"
"you know, butt-jointing wood can be tricky
using nails or just something that's sticky,
but an angle plate screwed
across joints will preclude
any twisting: no joinery quickie.
"
"he lies motionless, bleeding, amid
cries of anguish. a cushion is slid
in between his crushed knees,
but the wounds mean that he's
too far gone for a life-saving bid.
"
"i extol all your virtues by praise
proclaimed lavishly, lauding the ways
you apply expertise
with such consummate ease
to concerns your adroitness allays.
"
"back in earlier times, king canute
got involved in a tidal dispute.
and his courtiers cheered
till their king disappeared.
when he surfaced, they all got the boot!
"
"""turn your telescope round!"" was his cry.
""it's the eyepiece you press to your eye!""
""are you mocking me?"" ""no, sir!
the frogs are much closer!
so, please, why not give it a try?""
"
"i'll take over the reins, bid adieu
to my dogsbody role. when i do,
they'll all answer to me:
the head honcho: you'll see
what i fantasise now will come true.
"
"as a fieldmouse i nestled, alert
in the wheat stubble, hiding, inert.
then a hawk earthward slipped;
i was suddenly gripped
in his falculae (claws) for dessert.
"
"a fakir is an indian who,
having made a rope levitate?phew!?
to its top then ascends.
but there's more! now he ends
with a wave, disappearing from view!
"
"any advent, achievement, event,
new creation, device or ascent
never witnessed before
earns a trailblazing score
as the first where none earlier went.
"
"""now let's""?hic!?""start to""?oops! missed the bin!?
""write a limer""?who knocks? what a din!?
""-ick"" was what i'd intended
to say, but it ended
up fitful and piecemeal. ""come in!""
"
"to incriminate jim is okay
if your evidence backs what you say.
now, let's see if it's true,
or was doctored by you
as a fit-up to put him away.
"
"a chestnut brown rodent, short-tailed
and with ears inconspicuous, trailed
through the wheat stubble till
a hawk spied that small kill,
and so off with that field mouse it sailed.
"
"two-bit four-flushers don't give a damn
that their ""bona fide"" claims are a sham.
with well-practised deceit,
they can bluff, con or cheat
all the victims they ruthlessly scam.
"
"each one looks like a flattened-out claw
that, when stressed, i am tempted to gnaw.
at the end of each finger,
on itches they linger,
and scratch them. oh, fingernails. more!
"
"forget referees, gloves and a bell
or some ringside supporters who yell.
no, a fistfight suits me,
and you've my guarantee
that you're in for a hiding to hell!
"
"fixed stars are so far, far away,
it appears where they are's where they'll stay.
only seconds of arc
they shift yearly, and park,
so it seems, in a static display.
"
"by remembrance day sorrows we're torn.
those who fell, with our poppies we mourn.
but november's sad bloom
nods to april's, makes room
for when anzac day rosemary's worn.
"
"what an actress! she's slim, lithely limbed,
her felt hat's dented lengthwise and brimmed
(a fedora, in fact),
and she's in the first act.
i can't wait till the house lights are dimmed.
"
"the fez: a hat shaped like a cone
that is truncated (flat-topped). when blown
by a breeze there's a passel
of flapping; its tassel
above to a flutter is prone.
"
"on exhaust valves and piston crowns too,
carbon build-up means strip-down time's due.
engine running's improved
when the carbon's removed,
which decarburization will do.
"
"it's a negative/positive catch,
when electrons/electrophiles latch.
it's the latter who mate
with electrons (some date!)
in a friendly electrophiles match.
"
"there's a menacing threat you can make:
make my day! it's a route you can take,
and the tipping-point grows
to the face-off, he knows,
situation-wise, means: make or break!
"
"farmers markets are markets whereat
local farmers sell produce and chat
about vegetables, meat,
eggs, and fruit ripe and sweet
they've produced. can't come fresher than that!
"
"feeling threatened when caught in a mess,
or when cornered, or under duress?
a fast exit will get
you away from the threat.
that's a skin-saving fleeing, no less!
"
"pay attention! stay tuned! zero in
on the subject to hand. let's begin
to discuss further actions,
removed from distractions,
and being so focused, we'll win.
"
"bringing all your attention to bear
on one subject, concern or affair
is described by a word
whose intent's undeterred
by distractions. it's focus! so there!
"
"to install new equipment requires
a fitter who'll pull the right wires.
his qualification
will bring consummation
to which the end user aspires.
"
"so your name you're fed up with, dear boris.
you're down, need a change. why not morris?
though roscoe i guess'li
please girls more than cecil.
so 'nil desperandum,' (said horace).
"
"you love heights, like to climb to the top,
and you thrill on a plane, while i drop
to my knees, dead with fright.
acrophobia's my plight.
can i lean on this wall for my prop?
"
"have your hissy fit, lose your control;
yell and blow up, explode with your soul.
can't you use more aplomb?
hey, cool down! i'm your mom...
so i'm pissing you off...that's my role!
"
"it's named azure, a sort of a blue,
very beautiful, fresh as the new
morning sky on a day
when the world's a-ok,
with the prospect of limitless view.
"
"as a tot, i tooled 'round  on a trike;
now grown-up, i can zoom on my bike.
through stalled traffic i zip
at a quick speedy clip?
need no gas and i don't have to hike.
"
"saying asinine, bold and quite chilly,
is an erudite way to mean ""silly"";
a put-down, it's clear,
wounding just like a spear;
when we're angry, we speak willy-nilly.
"
"life's a bitch and a battle for some;
you work and you slave for a crumb.
the american dream?
not just peaches and cream.
keep on truckin' or wind up a bum.
"
"can't say why, i've aversion to what
this guy thinks, what he says or does. but
i'll just suffer, keep still,
though i think he's a pill.
he's my boss, so i steam in this rut.
"
"acidophilus, good for your tummy,
found in yogurt, is also quite yummy.
it's a healthful comestible,
making food more digestible.
have some often?and call me! love, mummy.
"
"he does everything gravely, with such
a great sense of aplomb. but so much
of the suave activation
is frequent libation;
a bottle of booze is his crutch.
"
"each fugitive year as i age,
i nervously turn a new page.
passing time without thought,
all those years turned to naught,
then it's soon time to exit the stage.
"
"she's a fishwife because she will keep
using words like crap, snotty and?bleep!
prone to shout till she's hoarse
and her manners are coarse.
i daren't say what she does in her sleep!
"
"it's a mystery? you're joking of course!
it's pure dogma that lies at its source.
don't take risks with a guess.
is it fathomable? yes!
using logic: your best guiding force.
"
"in the mountainside's down-rushing streams
he is panning for gold's telltale gleams.
one full saddlebag shows
that his prospecting goes
way beyond his explorative dreams.
"
"the director said, ""simulate rage,
so that i can more easily gauge
your theatrical fitness
for acting, and witness
the way you might rant on a stage.""
"
"you want fisticuffs, eh? well, all right.
i'm equipped for a bareknuckle fight!
i don't need any tools
or the queensbury rules,
just my fists knocking you out of sight!
"
"i use chemical weapons?so what?
the alternative, namely a swat,
often misses the fly
through mishandling. i
use a fly spray. (flies die with one shot!)
"
"there's this fixer. legit? more or less.
he can stymie the cops and the press.
pay up front and you'll seal
a no-questions-asked deal
which will pull you right out of this mess.
"
"with a fault plane, a fracture or crack
in our planet earth's strata may track
for long distances and,
if disturbed, it may land
us with earthquakes, alas and alack.
"
"all these climate change warnings indict
man's indifference to planet earth's plight.
but i care what fate's dealt
as the glaciers melt
and my four-by-four sinks out of sight.
"
"damascus-bound pharisee saul
was struck blind upon hearing the call
of the christ, whose instruction
led saul to induction
and christian conversion to paul.
"
"when we've thirst on our brain, well then, we're
so american, choosing our beer:
it's gotta be cold?
in our hands here we hold
a budweiser. let's give a (burp) cheer!
"
"my aloha to you is a greeting
with a kiss and embrace when we're meeting.
and a lei?oh, how sweet
as an extra love treat!
was it good for you, too, or just fleeting?
"
"what's american? folk of all types;
constitutional law, stars and stripes;
spending dough (i can't stop!),
shop, shop, shop till i drop;
paradoxical cheering and gripes.
"
"this advisory says, ""look ahead"";
it's a heads-up for what may be red
alert. so beware
(or ignore, if you dare...
but you may wind up sorry or dead).
"
"there's a diff'rence, just look?my ""abuse""
isn't really that. that's 'cause my use
isn't over the top;
hell, i know when to stop,
and that's not just to make an excuse.
"
"truly beautiful, partially round,
graceful arc, gracing bridges and found
in the sky, many hued,
with the spectrum imbued?
the blue heavens so gloriously crowned!
"
"let's party?a bacchanal?whee!
lots of wine, loads of fun, you and me.
let's have music and food...
oh, you're not in the mood?
just recouping from last night's wild spree?
"
"absentminded! i planned in advance
for this big, huge event, took no chance
to flub.  then, too much
in a rush, i made such
a big goof by forgetting my pants!
"
"it's enough to confuse and befuddle
and bother me, mix up and muddle
my mind and then jerk me
around, really irk me!
you wanna make love or just cuddle?
"
"so you say that you'll be apolitical,
eschew stances at all analytical,
as you sit on your hands
and ignore all demands
by the reds or the blues to be critical.
"
"you've a cheek, when you try to equate
alleged overtures made to your mate
with my swinging from trees,
saying, down on my knees,
""if you're jane, then i'm tarzan. let's date!""
"
"she yells, ""eyeball me! don't look away!""
so i turn face to face, try to say?
but she's first, starts to holler,
""what's that on your collar?""
(it's lipstick?not hers.) should i pray?
"
"i'm high-spirited, cheerful, enthused,
full of life, energetic, suffused
with ebullience and zest?
(all these clues! ah, you've guessed!)
of exuberance: rightly accused.
"
"so with me you expostulate. tosh!
 your attempts at dissuasion won't wash;
 they're discouraging words
 only fit for the birds?
and my plans they're unlikely to quash!
"
"i'll expose all the facts by declaring,
while stripping off clothes that i'm wearing,
that nudity's great;
but i'm aged ninety-eight,
and what little i've left's not for sharing.
"
"there is something about you that we
 treat with caution?we have to, you see.
 to ensure that your stay's
 in accord with our ways,
 this control point requires more i.d.
"
"when deep mining is mentioned we think
of a hole miners vertically sink,
but an outcrop of ore
means a drift mine can bore,
angled down through the coal, lead or zinc.
"
"my carnivorous dinosaur date:
so flirtatious, cretaceous. why wait?
second toes' large curved claws
turn me on, and those jaws!
oh, deinonychus! kiss me! let's mate!
"
"all my sins, expiated by deeds?
these i hoped, would atone for the seeds
among virgins i'd sown,
to my wife unbeknown,
but i failed and divorce now proceeds.
"
"""doctor livingstone, i presume?"" can,
alongside ""one small step for a man,""
link explorers, but then,
what impelled these two men?
(curiosity's where it began.)
"
"this anew, such a spring-seeming word,
brings to mind things like dew, bee and bird;
makes me dance, want to sing,
conjures renaissance. spring,
by the way, makes me giddy, absurd.
"
"what's your e-mail address? it's a fast
way to message a friend. in the past,
i used snail mail with stamps;
that's now only for gramps?
but the backlog (whew!) leaves me aghast.
"
"he will argue and carp 'bout your cat,
tell you off for your singing or hat;
he's a grump and a pill;
boy, he sure makes me ill!
if not this, then he'll get you for that.
"
"be aware, with antennae alert,
be en garde to avoid and avert
some misstep or mishap,
tricky deal or dog crap,
and buttress your butt from some hurt.
"
"as an editor, he's so astute,
very sharp, catching blips, he's a beaut;
also sweet and quite funny,
comments right on the money.
from his photo he's also quite cute.
"
"it's the instrument now of my choice;
i can strum it like mad but my voice
is what carries the tune.
though i look like a loon,
playing air guitar makes me rejoice.
"
"when she's riled, she just shoots from the hip,
won't take no for an answer, nor lip.
her tough attitude shows
in her voice, stance and clothes?
for her, bird is just something you flip.
"
"having sized up his life's situation,
he has come to this realization:
his whole outlook's quite dire,
bringing blues and some ire,
and a whole lot of alienation.
"
"advantageous?a leg up, a coup;
so much better than adverse. would you
rather win? better choose,
then, the first, or you'll lose?
something negative, best to eschew.
"
"a  monk, having read some arcana,
said, ""cool, that's for me, a no-brainer.
become one, be enlightened?
no need to be frightened;
it's peaceful, nirvana, but plainer.""
"
"having toiled all my life, having whiled
away hours so rapt and beguiled,
sans acknowledgement?well,
i can say, let me tell
you?i still feel that fortune has smiled.
"
"it's authentic: the truly real deal;
nothing phoney or fake; the appeal
of the genuine stuff.
forget feint, banish bluff;
there's no knockoff nor lies to conceal.
"
"o my gosh! what to do? it's the end
of the world! we can't even depend
on the army to steer
a huge asteroid clear,
so goodbye dearest earth, my old friend!
"
"the bard has bewept and bemoaned
a sad state, yet sweet william has honed
his huge talent and made
a great sonnet. he's laid
his heart bare, his emotions he's loaned.
"
"gonna be (chomp, chomp) all i can be,
my huge appetite (mm, mm!) is me!
i eat and i've et
and still eatin'. i'm get-
tin' to two-ninety-two, mebbe three?
"
"an amen: it'll come at the close
of all prayers, or be uttered by those
who are making a point,
emphasized to anoint
an opinion that everyone knows.
"
"to concoct a banana split: cut
fruit in half (ice cream filling the rut),
pile on cream whipped up swell,
drizzle syrup as well,
and then top with a cherry or nut!!
"
"want some strong, massive muscles? you need
to start lifting some barbells. indeed,
if you want a physique
like a god who is greek,
routine workouts will help you succeed.
"
"to be thought by the public artistic,
your work should look quite realistic.
though art's always evolving,
it seems it's dissolving
to a blur that some find solipsistic.
"
"it's ambiguous, murky, not clear?
can't he say if it's far or it's near?
it's not black, neither white,
only gray, but not quite.
(any nuance makes dubbaya jeer.)
"
"it's apparent, so obvious and true?
like these apples are green, my eyes blue.
stop saying it?cease,
i'm not really obese!
now just dish me some more of that stew!
"
"over airwaves the sounds get relayed?
maybe miles, across continents?made
to arrive in my ear
to allow me to hear
aural wonders with radio's aid.
"
"when we're born, we start life and start being,
commence breathing and hearing and seeing.
so much more than just this?
sigh's a sigh, kiss a kiss.
life's a trip?lots of we-, thee-, and me-ing.
"
"here the sand meets the waves of the sea,
just as pretty a beach as can be.
but beware of tsunami,
pollution?and mommy,
please rub on some sunscreen for me.
"
"this is action?trim, ready-to-roll,
energetic and frisky, a foal
who's just raring to go;
streamlined, speedy, not slow;
pick up steam and then tear for the goal!
"
"this whole project is bleeping absurd,
to be trying to find the right word
so the damn bleeping meter
and rhyme come out neater.
also bleep that damn editor nerd!
"
"i have fear in my heart, and my mind's
full of angst when i think of all kinds
of bad things to go wrong.
then i fret all day long,
and at night, little rest my mind finds.
"
"the works of great art are quite able
(though often it may seem like babel)
to speak through the ages
and provide us good gauges
of beauty, whatever the label.
"
"at easter this lily will bloom
to bring her bright flame to your room.
amaryllis she's named,
for her color she's famed.
as a song, she will banish your gloom.
"
"this small word when defined, ""a big deal""
(such as hyping a second-rate meal),
is so often quite true?
there's just too much ado
about nothing but bogus appeal.
"
"to check if it's real and not fake,
we need to authenticate?make
really sure of its worth,
its origin, birth,
do a dna check... lots at stake.
"
"i've been cheated, bamboozled, and fleeced?
all wiped out. my damned partner has greased
his fat palms with my dough,
leaving only great woe.
i could murder that damn freaking beast!
"
"my jig's up, golly gee! my arrest
means i'm busted and jailed as a guest.
what a drag, what a bummer,
i just ""borrowed"" that hummer.
but they made me come clean; i confessed.
"
"she's annoyed, really freaked out, and worse;
she's so bummed out, believes it's a curse.
her bad mood gives us fright;
what a pickle?her plight?
that her shoes don't match up with her purse.
"
"i'm an activist, desperately seeking
to change things by bitching and freaking.
not ready to wait?
patience ain't my main trait?
i exhort and get heard by my shrieking.
"
"ah, austria, fountain?the source
of much concert hall music; a force
that can still fill our ears
and the heart that now hears
the great mastery that set music's course.
"
"let's accelerate, step on gas, yo!
we dig speed and like fast more than slow.
put the pedal to metal,
in rip-roaring fettle,
va-va-voom, blasting off, go, go, go!
"
"""if you've got it, then flaunt it,"" it's said.
accentuate strong points instead
of your faults. toot your horn?
and shine up what you're born
with, my dear, so that you'll get ahead.
"
"all these people, all talking aloud
in the streets, on the bus, in the crowd.
you talkin' to me?
just as rude as can be!
and i won't get a cell, i have vowed.
"
"when you want to appear resolute,
absolute is the word to refute
any lingering doubts.
for carousing-type bouts,
the vodka's got lots of repute.
"
"real advances are great, bring 'em on!
on the other hand, some are the dawn
of big trouble?disaster
comes faster and faster.
wish that a-bombs and such would be gone!
"
"voluntarily simple, a nut?
i just live with essential stuff, but
my lifestyle ascetic
is good dietetic
technique for reducing my gut.
"
"so attractive, magnetic...i'm drawn,
dear, to you. it's just hopeless?i'm pawn
to your queen. i'm a chump,
a big dope and a lump
of nothing and you're?goldie hawn!
"
"willy's wont to parade in the nude,
thinks he's special, a really cool dude.
thinks he's buff and so hot,
but the fact is he's not.
he affronts and his backside's (yuck!) lewd.
"
"i miss you; your absence, so sad,
is a drag. though i feel like a cad,
what else can i do
when i'm lonely and blue?
i'll invite someone else to my pad.
"
"wise athena was birthed from the head
of her father, idea-like. instead
of a mom, she had pop,
but that sure didn't stop
this greek goddess of smarts, so i've read.
"
"my job's to keep guard over you;
whenever you're out, that's my cue.
if you get in a spot,
you know that you've got
a bodyguard?that's what i do.
"
"in this welter of blogs, all the stuff
that i find is pure fluff. what's so tough
is my trying to read
much, much more than i need.
it's a surplus of more-than-enough.
"
"apathetic, don't care, i give in;
without hope of a job, i've now been
on skid row, down and out.
i'm just pooped and about
at wit's end. some folks lose, some folks win.
"
"here's the bride and the groom, and, oh yes,
there's the bridesmaid, in pastel-hued dress.
she's been here before,
knows the drill, knows the score.
she's the next to be wed, that's our guess.
"
"here's a word that is mighty, yet small?
does a service beyond duty's call.
look and see: a, l, l;
only three letters spell
what can signify anything 't all.
"
"ah, dark africa?orphaned, abused,
so abandoned, accursed and misused?
leaves me feeling aghast,
and i ask: ""can this last?
how can something so mad be excused?""
"
"ingrid bergman shines brightly on screen:
blond beauty, great actress as seen
in the roles she assumed.
for her scandal some fumed,
but they can't dim this regal film queen.
"
"""great white way""'s got another big night;
there's excitement, the crush, all the light!
got my ticket and seat,
lights go dim?oh, so neat!
this is broadway, where stars shine so bright!
"
"ant: exerting industrious might,
toiling constantly, even at night,
you can sometimes observe.
though admiring its verve,
i can't say i much like its (ouch) bite.
"
"i went ape, had my fun, now i've stopped;
bought a bunch of new stuff, now i've dropped.
got my goods, had my fill,
now i'm shocked, here's my bill;
my card balance is due?credit's topped.
"
"got my aerosol paint and i'm set.
as a tagger, i've never yet met
a blank sprawl of a wall
i won't spray. there i scrawl
all my claim to the fame that i'll get.
"
"what's your astrological sign?
there are twelve of them?guess which is mine!
you can choose to believe,
though this stuff may deceive.
if it's only for fun, then it's fine.
"
"my back aches, my wrist's really sore
and my knee's not too good. then what's more,
did i mention my heart?
but please, don't let me start
on my ailments, all which i deplore.
"
"with a tabula rasa i start
out again, with a light, happy heart.
i was sent to the clinker,
my term was a stinker?
ten years! just for forging some art!
"
"his gift from the city of light
holds her torch on our shores, shining bright.
bartholdi's great feat
at our door serves to greet
new arrivals, a welcoming sight.
"
"he's audacious, his bold derring-do's
a big hit with the ladies who choose
him as #1 stud,
while they chew on their cud,
and signal approval with moos.
"
"he's so cultured, an aesthete replete
with refinement (he's sort of effete).
he's so wild for the hue
of that lavender blue
that he's dyed all his undies. (how sweet!)
"
"it's so awesome, i'm totally impressed,
blown away by the best in the west.
last month's brand was so wow;
that was then?this is now!
this new toothpaste is it?the wave's crest!
"
"can altruism actually be fact,
as when it is claimed and then backed
with the acts of a saint?
i'd say most of us ain't
thus behaved 'cause our angel-gene's whacked.
"
"we say ""saw"" though it ends s-a-s.
i'm referring to bill's ar. yes,
it's confusing, but then
it's the case once again:
sense is trumped by what's what, so i guess.
"
"feel it's adequate, knowing when 'nough
is enough is so difficult; tough
to decide when to stop.
i've gone over the top.
now i'm ruing that cream (burp, burp) puff!
"
"are there any who're worse than these jerks
called al qaeda? they say they do works
of avengers and martyrs?
they're really just starters
of terror who die with their quirks.
"
"the sound of his horn will live on
as long as we hear. brownie's gone
(he died much too young,
some songs left unsung),
but his tones still shine bright, like the dawn.
"
"a morsel of coconut wrapped
in a dark chocolate coating and capped
with a crunchable nut,
this treat makes the cut.
almond joy on the scene? then i'm trapped!
"
"some athletes get contracts so high
while on dope, and it makes me ask, ""why?""
with some help from their juice,
we could all be so spruce,
breaking all kinds of records, no lie.
"
"right, left, then side, side?looking good.
keep your chin up. you're cool, really could
be a pro. keep the beat,
ballroom dancing, so neat...
i'd continue all night, if you would.
"
"if it's better, then that's pretty good,
but i start in to wondering: should
i then go for the gold?
why just settle? that old
pesky want: to be best, if i could.
"
"to be able: achieve what you set
out to do; to have know-how; to get
what you've planned to work out.
it's a great thing, no doubt,
but there's no guarantee on your bet.
"
"got our franks and our buns, got our beer;
weather's fine, coals are glowin' and we're
gettin' ready to chill,
eat and drink to our fill?
a barbecue's great for good cheer!
"
"so american, eggs and crisp bacon
with coffee and toast when i'm wakin'.
once i've broken my fast,
off to work. how'll i last
with my spirit (and back) also breakin'?
"
"when news from the networks you gather,
for your anchor which one would you rather?
cnn's, abc's,
npr's, mtv's?
or conclude that it's all simply blather?
"
"bed and breakfast's the thing when you need
a nice lodging when traveling. so heed
my advice. you might save
some cash. if you crave
more home comfort, you'll score some good feed.
"
"the bones we have (more when we're born)
are the frame that our muscles adorn.
head connects to the neck,
neck connects to the?heck,
you should know all the rest, so well-worn.
"
"that's so awesome, so totally cool;
you da man, boy, you def'nitely rule!
outta sight, you're a trip;
in my book, you're so hip?
you're the tops, babe?you're nobody's fool!
"
"rachel carson used stark terminology
when propounding her views on ecology.
silent spring is her book
that compelled us to look
at how pesticides harm earth's biology.
"
"watching mad max xv at the imax;
the excitement is growing, real high-max.
the mood is so great?
then we find that his fate
isn't dire. what a big anticlimax!
"
"my morning is ended; it's now
afternoon?gotten slower somehow.
my pep of the day
has just faded away...
time to nap and unwrinkle my brow.
"
"we all long to belong, so do you
have a fam'ly, a country? a clue:
what will hold all together
is dependent on whether
you've got ties to the others?love's glue.
"
"birdie sweetly sings songs?pretty thing
flies around on (chirp) feathery wing
(chirp, chirp) spreading its cheer
and that bird flu, we hear.
(chirp) ""beware, folks, beware!"" it'll sing.
"
"one's a song, one's a guy, then there's teen
trou of choice, or may happen to mean
genetic material
that even some cereal
can contain this quite harmless blue gene.
"
"they're called amazons, gals with one breast
cut right off, so that when they aggressed
with their arrows and bows
they could take the right pose.
huge brazil by this river is blest.
"
"at an edge, the abyss of my pain?
is there worse, i now wonder in vain?
all remedies falter.
no measures will alter
this abject despair. all hope's slain.
"
"if we only could process and bottle
all the wisdom of great aristotle.
we could drink to be wise
and iqs would all rise,
but most folks couldn't care, not a jottle.
"
"our cemeteries are places for those
whose time has run out. they repose
in these rest homes in peace,
guaranteed a long lease
and cool bed for a long quiet doze.
"
"his affection's aflame; his great ardor
is increasingly making it harder
to quench his amour.
he's becoming a boor?
let's go find us some ardor retarder.
"
"when the breeze stops and temp'rature's climbing,
air conditioning's great. it's good timing
to go shop where it's cool,
maybe swim in a pool,
or get naked and do dirty rhyming.
"
"in a rut? you should try a new groove;
it's important to grow, make a move.
a new bag's what you need;
you were stuck, now you're freed!
get a move on, you've something to prove.
"
"to agree is a really nice thought.
to have disagreed, argued and fought,
then to talk it all out
leaves us all with no doubt
that it's best when agreement is wrought.
"
"an adventure: exciting or scary?
it depends?are you thrilled or just wary?
it implies something new,
a somebody, just who?
have a fling, take the plunge?don't be chary.
"
"life's a bitch and a battle for some;
you unendingly slave for a crumb.
actuality's that
some stay lean, some get fat.
keep on truckin' or wind up a bum.
"
"gosh, he smells! too much more i won't bear.
(phew!) he stinks to high heaven, i swear.
can't he just take a bath?
here's a guy?jeez, he hath
b.o. bigtime and seems not to care!
"
"he's aflame and completely afire?
so wildly in love he'll conspire
to acquire his great fancy,
but his dear, darling nancy
wants none of his fiery desire.
"
"akamai in hawaiian means smart,
to be brainy?score high on a chart
when you're taking a test
and you come out the best;
and a tech firm with quite a good start.
"
"we can make a quick sandwich to eat
for our lunch from this cold, pinkish meat;
baloney's the choice
by the popular voice
and when voiced, with b.s. it competes.
"
"their atrocities, crimes really bad,
are so loathsome and wrong, only mad
and malevolent souls
with nefarious goals
do these dastardly deeds. truly sad.
"
"she's so cute, but she walks all around
like she's sleepwalking. pound for each pound,
she's a dud and a dummy,
seems cloned from a mummy,
acts brain-dead, more lost than she's found.
"
"adolescence, that stage of the teen
when they sprout and grow lanky and lean.
hairspray, shopping, sex, cells?
that's how teen spirit smells?
kinda sweet, kinda dazed, kinda green.
"
"man's best friends may be dogs, but for me,
i love felines, the big cats and wee.
with vari-hued fur
and a motor-like purr,
they're the sweetest of pals that can  be.
"
"eyes wide open, awake and alert,
i take a fresh tack and assert
that i'm ready to roll
to achieve this new goal.
my wakened-up soul's set to spurt!
"
"when younger, i used to bemoan
that i found myself often alone.
now i'm older and wiser;
with my time i'm a miser.
i'm alone, but not lonely. i've grown.
"
"it's celerity proved: in a trice
i can find out just anything?nice
when requiring a quickie
'cyclopedia. wiki,
web phenom, gives knowing some spice.
"
"born a prince, he left all that behind;
'neath a bodhi tree, freeing his mind,
he founded his teaching
and set about preaching
great truths for all seekers to find.
"
"not all are so sweet, so beware!
an avenging-type angel is there
to play hardball?for keeps?
treating all of you creeps
with swift justice. you'd better take care.
"
"annexing conjoins things, like land;
two parties agree they may band,
but sometimes it's not
by consent: what we got
was a land grab, annexed on demand.
"
"all camels have humps on their backs;
they're the trucks of the desert. the facts
about cigarettes?bad,
for with camels my dad
was done in smoking two daily packs.
"
"i can be so unpleasant when pissed?
most people get twisted when dissed!
you look at me wrong
and before very long,
you may face an antagonist's fist.
"
"i'm in heaven and walking on air,
on cloud nine. this is bliss, it's so rare?
it's pure joy, what a lift!
what's that stuff we just sniffed?
amyl nitrite? got any to spare?
"
"though the anarchist hated the system
(its authorities thoroughly pissed 'im),
when his targets were dead
and his mayhem caused dread,
he discovered his weakness?he missed 'em.
"
"ken bradshaw, that texan, the boss
of all surfers: instead of a hoss,
he rode a huge wave
that proved he was brave
with a record. he gathered no moss.
"
"each ailment's a sign that i'm buying
some time. every cough is fate trying
to kill me; each breath
simply signals my death.
hypochondriac? think that i'm lying?
"
"all these bag-packing backpackers bang
everybody and me with those dang-
blasted loads of their stuff!
i just won't take this guff!
trollish humpbacks?i'm calling my gang!
"
"i've reached my old age when i find
that my body is creaking; my mind
is?well?absent. so, please?
it's ""old-timer's disease"".
show some patience with me and my kind.
"
"he's purposeless, aimless, a loser;
he's shiftless, a drunk doped-up boozer.
it's a hopeless sad case,
a worst-outcome disgrace?
get the picture? a down-and-out doozer.
"
"get attentive: first, clean off the slate,
so your mind will be clear and your plate
will be ready to load
up again in a mode
to receive some new info. smart trait!
"
"when something goes wrong and awry,
i could spit, swear out loud, even cry.
it's a bummer, a drag,
when my plan hits a snag,
and things shift to a low from a high.
"
"a light has gone on in my head;
i've finally grasped what's been said.
at long last i am hip!
so i've now got a grip,
and where ""duh"" ruled, ""aha!"" reigns instead.
"
"wanna chat? it might be something fun,
maybe not. our talk may be one
where we find we agree,
even come round to see
that we like one another, when done.
"
"with some acumen, smarts, you're all set
to succeed and will know, i can bet,
what to do. kindly share
some with me? i have bare-
ly the wits to get by, i regret.
"
"kinda hard to decide how to act?
should i try to press on or use tact?
will she show me a warm
front, or more of a storm?
my barometer's not quite exact.
"
"ando's dead and his ramen is dry.
though his seasoning's sere, do not cry?
momofuku's a king!
heaven's microwaves ""ping""
and reconstitute ando on high.
"
"their abs are the pride of these hunks,
tanned and muscled in sleek swimming trunks.
with their ""6-paks"" they preen,
while the rest, turning green,
lie in loungers with six-packs?fat drunks!
"
"this flick's surely different?whose
bright idea was this? no real clues
what this art film's about.
since it leaves us with doubt,
we'll just have to consult the reviews.
"
"got your sharks, then there's these mean old fish.
you're watching some fishies, then?swish!
there's a flash, where'd they go?
barracuda's not slow?
you blink and those fish? a quick dish.
"
"to repeat what's been done is old hat?
so i've-been-there-and-done-done-done-that.
i get bored and so tired
of things that are mired
in the past?tread-bare tires, used and flat.
"
"of course, change is a constant in life.
we have peace, then a time when there's strife.
we change jobs and our dress?
what comes next? a good guess...
ah, these changes! now who wants my wife?
"
"crossing space over glittery bay,
golden gate, gorgeous bridge, makes its way
like a sunbeam that thrills,
linking town to the hills
of marin in fogged view, night and day.
"
"i'm pamela anderson. hey,
i'm a babe. though some people will say
i'm a ditz, i don't mind.
they can kiss my behind?
in a manner of speaking, ok?
"
"you are bold and adventurous, yes?
are you ready to dare, to address
the unknown? fifty-fifty,
the results: bad or nifty.
prepared for the plunge? then god bless!
"
"this here can is now holding my meal.
if i manage to open it, peel
off the top, i could dine?
not quite off-of-the-vine?
it's a ready-to-eat handy deal.
"
"that's arresting?your story's so grabbing.
i'm caught in your spell 'cuz your gabbing
is great. tell me more...
oh, who's that at the door?
it's the cops: they're arresting, too (nabbing)!
"
"to assess: to determine how much,
like commodities, trouble, and such.
of great wealth, want a lot;
of distress, want it not.
ah, consider poor midas's touch.
"
"i'm hearing cells everywhere keep
up their din so incessantly: beep!
in my house, on the go,
no escaping! oh, no?
there's one now, when i'm trying to sleep!
"
"a little tweak here and then there?
i'm adjusting this baby a hair.
does it scan now, you think?
and why not? oh, you stink!!
so i'm taking my ""precious"" elsewhere!
"
"make a deal, like that old quid pro quo ?
i'll give this, you'll give that. yes, i know
how to bargain, to barter;
it's my signature charter:
i'm a wheeling-and-dealing-type pro.
"
"the bestseller of books, barring none,
is the good book, the bible?the one
found in rooms of hotels
and in jails' locked-up cells,
read in earnest and not just for fun.
"
"he's wont to bisexual licks;
renowned for high sexual kicks.
his sex antics are rife,
adding spice to his life?
so he roams a wide range with his tricks.
"
"i'm a fan (ooh)! i'll kick, scratch and bite
just to get (gasp) your autograph. might
i please get you to sign?
in my book would be fine...
what's that? you don't know how to write?
"
"so some guys in manhattan begat 'em,
these damn a-bombs, by splitting the atom.
now we've got what they wrought
and we ask: had they ought?
what a pox?and a monstrous erratum!
"
"my green yard is a great source of pride;
it's well-known, so i hear, far and wide.
i don't need to mow?
plastic grass doesn't grow;
that is astroturf's positive side.
"
"heeere we are! not so baby but boomers?
having swelled demographics like tumors.
now we've aged and grown older,
our days golder or colder,
we're all loaded, according to rumors.
"
"what an airhead?she's hopeless, a ditz,
what a screw-up! i lapse into fits
when i give her a task.
is it too much to ask?
but she flubs every time. she's the pits.
"
"i've got music wherever i go.
when i'm coming, you'll hear me. there's no
place i'm at where i'm not
with my boom box. i've got
all my music. i'm ready, man. yo!
"
"well...approximate, almost, just  near:
if it's not on-the-dot then i fear
it won't do. you can fight,
but it's not...er...quite right;
check it out if you think i'm not clear.
"
"i'm attuned, and in sync with the all;
i'm zoned and now hearing a call;
so harmoniously blissed
with the wonder, i'm kissed
by a feeling that pre-dates the fall.
"
"i've tons of emotional stuff,
some experiences smooth, others rough.
all this baggage is set
in my memories yet,
perhaps fading, now feathery fluff.
"
"some swear ""always"", a promise, a pact
that young lovers believe as a fact.
when we're wiser, we learn
that these vows sometimes burn.
we survive, but with hearts somewhat cracked.
"
"you judge books by their covers? not wise,
because outward appearance belies
what lies hidden inside,
and what's seen can have lied.
see?i'm not what you thought...so, surprise!
"
"he raves on?like a brook, unabated,
he keeps babbling and babbling. his hated
logorrhea is awful?
they should make it unlawful.
you'll take him away? we're elated!
"
"to approve, we say, ""cool!"" that's our way
to show that we like things. we say
(do we not?), ""that's so hot!""
when we like things a lot.
hot or cool? i'm confused. what the hey?
"
"got a belly that's aching right now?
know the quick, easy remedy?how
a few tablets will aid?
in a jiff, pain will fade.
antacid, please (burp) take a bow.
"
"it's an all-out and full-throttle try;
nothing's barred?i'll just do it or die!
'cause when push comes to shove,
neither money nor love
will deter me. i tell you no lie!
"
"ailurophilia defines what can be
a true lover of cats. i decree
i'm the emperor of all
who're at my beck and call?
all four-score of my cats who love me.
"
"no simp here, she forges ahead.
wimps will cave, but she'll stand tough instead.
can't be took, she's a fighter;
take care not to slight her.
she's got balls, and especially in bed.
"
"there are those whom you don't want to rile.
when you get them upset, then their bile
starts up, making them mean.
well, i bet you have seen
temper tantrums?they're such a big trial.
"
"transformation, a change has been spurred;
my outlook's now different. i'm stirred,
and i've turned about-face.
i've received god's good grace?
my jailhouse conversion's occurred.
"
"so transparent and bald-faced, she lies,
and her blatant dishonesty cries
to high heaven for righting.
every friendship she's blighting?
telling whoppers, she sure takes the prize.
"
"i must now ascertain and confirm
what's the deal and get right to the germ
of a matter that's vexing
and really perplexing:
to straighten or go with a perm?
"
"you blame me for this and for that,
finding fault at the drop of a hat.
you accuser! i ask,
putting you to the task:
where's your proof?  your accusing falls flat.
"
"we're all on the same hymnal page,
and singing our hearts out on stage.
it's in church, where we blend
many voices and send
music soaring, our souls to assuage.
"
"you're too full of bs and hot air;
your bombastic long speeches can wear
us all out, and for us,
you make far too much fuss?
oh, you overblown bore, be more spare!
"
"are we humans alone in creation
or are others out there? a causation
of wonder would be,
on the evening tv,
seeing alien life confirmation!
"
"i got a blank check from my dear
uncle willy, which brought lots of cheer.
i filled in the blank
and then ran to the bank.
let's do lunch?we can eat till next year!
"
"when a job seems unpleasant or hard,
such as cleaning the closets or yard,
grip the prob and just pull it.
c'mon, bite the bullet?
and shake from your ass all that lard.
"
"you're abusing your woman so bad,
just beating her up; it's too sad.
i'm turning you in?
you belong in the bin.
you can cool your heel's heels there, you cad!
"
"too much sex is a most weird addiction;
what's supposedly pleasure's affliction.
what's this feeling called lust?
making out's my main ""must"".
fun is fun till it's not, but just friction.
"
"what a thrill when you get an award,
like a crown on your work?oh, my lord!
it says, ""yes, you're the best,
rising over the rest!""
for your toil you deserve this reward!
"
"there are aces in sports and in games,
in endeavors like those where the aim's
to excel. what, me? hell,
i'm unknown, needn't tell
you i ain't one of those famous names.
"
"i'm in misery, can't keep from wailing;
my whole body's assaulted and failing.
i now knock at death's door,
can't feel worse?is there more?
between life and near-dying, i'm ailing.
"
"an advisory: watch it, look out!
something's up?there is danger about.
the levee might burst,
bringing grief and a worst-
case scenario. heed, without doubt.
"
"i'm called prince (since jc's known as king)
of the church. you, dear pilgrims, will sing
of our holiness. kneeling
at audience, feeling
devout, pucker up: kiss my ring.
"
"you think you're in bad shape, in a mess?
look at me?jess a fright, mo' o' less,
like ta sump'n' the cat
done drug in. sad fact's that
i'm bedraggled; i'm soaked and in stress.
"
"being brash and too bold brings me pain;
i get took when i don't use my brain.
when push comes to shove
in these matters of love,
""fools rush in"" goes a sad old refrain.
"
"want a beefburger?nice, sorta rare?
eh, what's that that you say?you don't dare?
what's e. coli? nah, don't
be afraid?a bite won't
do you harm. and what's that?mad cow scare?
"
"to look like those models, i buy
all that stuff in those ads. i could die
just to look like they do,
but i don't. oh, boo hoo!
yet i dream: i still buy, and i try.
"
"not to boast, i'm an affluent guy.
i get pleasure to go out and buy
every new thing in sight.
what's been fun's now a blight?
my whole home, now a dump, makes me cry!
"
"my mind is so jumbled and muddled,
my words get all mumbled. i've huddled
in shame, so confused,
and of folly accused?
i'm not stupid, i'm simply befuddled.
"
"banyans start like the other young trees,
but their trick is to send down, with ease,
lots of roots from each strong
sturdy branch. before long
ev'ry root becomes tree by degrees.
"
"eastern cooking will call for this spice,
whose smell and rich taste are so nice.
when mulling some wine,
and you want something fine,
let some cardamom flavor suffice.
"
"it's that jackson, named michael, i blame?
he bleats ba-a-d but means good; what a shame?
he with one famous glove,
botched-up face and, worse, love.
it's a crime what he's done with his fame.
"
"he smokes one, then another and then
another right after, again
lighting up one more fag,
never quitting. i nag,
but chain smokers don't ever say ""when"".
"
"i (kerchoo!) have a problem this time
of the year. there's (ah-) something that i'm
prone (achoo!) to, i sneeze
and (achoo!)  i whee-, wheeze.
it's just awful, a cri-, cri-, cri-, crime!
"
"there's atlantis, submerged in the slime
of the sea. once a prize and a prime
piece of real estate land
that lies buried in sand,
stuck in rinse-cycle, all throughout time.
"
"i've learned to be cautious and chary.
life for me has become a bit scary,
because now that i'm older
and wiser, not bolder,
i try to be safe being wary.
"
"pallid celadon's beauty won't fade;
it is prized for it's semblance to jade.
from my glazed chinese urn,
""truth is beauty"", i learn,
""beauty, truth"" in the poem keats made.
"
"our history of strife's nothing new,
and this bad blood's a problem, it's true.
my mother and brother
detest one another,
while both of them loathe uncle lou.
"
"no wallflower here, i was belle
of the ball, and they'll gossip and tell
'bout the gown that i wore,
how i danced (oh, my sore,
worn-out feet!)?last night's ball sure was swell!
"
"what was once thought by listeners as noise
(the clangor of boys banging toys!)
today's highly lauded
and roundly applauded:
the ""cacophony""? rite of spring's  joys.
"
"you talked and you talked; oh, and then
yapped some more, and yet more; and just when
you had finished your chattering,
an afterthought, shattering
the calm, set you off once again.
"
"her bel canto sweet singing, on stages
of opera houses, fires rages
in flocks of those fans
whose approval or pans
can decide her great glory and wages.
"
"the ballyhoo's ceased, and it's clear
what was hot, now is not, and?oh, dear?
being star of the week
was great fun at its peak,
but that's history; the downfall's now here.
"
"as precise as equations, bach's great
and glorious music's a spate
of such beautiful sound
and so timeless, profound,
that i hear it, transfigured in state.
"
"though for some it may seem kind of square,
it's a concept that's full of warm care.
ah, the memories stirred
by this beautiful word?
to cherish: a love, fine and rare.
"
"there's the cause and effect of an act,
linked together as sealed in a pact.
some outcomes not planned
are deservedly panned,
like a war where the hawks are not backed.
"
"yummy candy's so dandy to eat?
'specially chocolate?it just can't be beat!
and when someone's real cute,
an exceptional beaut,
that's eye candy, visually sweet.
"
"our favorite funeral song
was writ by sam barber. the long
mournful, lyrical notes
get our national votes.
need sad music? with this?can't go wrong.
"
"often, black will denote something sad,
even negative. black's not that bad?
it's quite beautiful, too?
depending on who
perceives the effect to be had.
"
"""when the summer sun heats up my home
and it gets just too hot here in rome,
i escape to castel
gandolfo, and dwell
there, away from st. pete's heated dome.""
"
"i'm no pro, just a cool playground boy?
with dreams of big scores?i'm not coy.
there's my shot, through the hoop,
and another! whoosh! whoop!
playing basketball gives me such joy!
"
"set ablaze, trees and homes, one by one,
in the smoke and the flames are undone.
conflagration's fierce glow
makes our fears only grow.
stupid arson's a firebug's mad fun.
"
"you, go swim or else oar some canoe;
those are things that will put me askew.
that stuff's not my turf?
my bailiwick's surf!
it's the only sport i love to do.
"
"though i'm right, she insists that i'm wrong;
i've bent backwards, discussed hard and long.
she's so adamant: ""i'm
in no mood for a rhyme.
stuff your limericks where they belong!""
"
"little tramp, a most marvelous clown,
charlie chaplin was toast of the town
all over the world.
on his mop-top so curled,
he now wears a bright halo and crown.
"
"i'm still able to learn, not too old
nor too stiff to allow any mold
to take hold, and won't nix
some new concepts or tricks.
i'm adaptable, on this i'm sold.
"
"old edward's droll lims have been cheered,
while mine have more often been jeered.
i'll have to accept
i'm not quite as adept?
surpassed and out-limericked, ""out-leared"".
"
"there's music that's fast, but these slow,
sad adagios flow with a woe
that both rises and soars
and can open wide doors
to great comfort?exalt when you're low.
"
"clear, sparkling, cool brilliance?the kind
that you see in the stars and you find
in the jewels in your ring?
is a beauteous thing.
then, too, brilliance may shine from some mind.
"
"on the fence, i can't make up my mind,
and can't summon the nerve, in a bind.
on the one hand, it's ""go"",
on the other, it's ""no"".
i'm ambivalent. what a dumb grind.
"
"to accommodate means to be willing,
to serve, and be ready for filling
a need you might have?
to your wound apply salve,
or perhaps offer sexual thrilling?
"
"chewing bubble gum softens it well?
push it out with your tongue, blow like hell.
it may make you look dumb,
and your jaw go all numb.
when it's tasteless, don't swallow?expel.
"
"so my shopping cart's staked out right here;
since i'm doing my best, please don't jeer.
i'm a bag lady, poor,
not too lucky, that's sure.
gosh, i hope things go better next year.
"
"hearty laughs from the heart feel just great,
yet the belly, if used as the gate
for a laugh deeply felt,
may make all your woes melt;
mirth that's gut-felt is slow to abate.
"
"j. l. barrow knocked schmeling right down
in the first round. as louis was brown
and mad max was an aryan,
hitler was carryin'
on?but big joe kept his crown!
"
"so alive, i'm awake, simply glowing;
my senses attuned, blood's a-flowing.
i'm barely held in,
contained by my skin,
but my soul, set loose, freed, is a-crowing!
"
"i love carmen, composed by bizet;
it's a masterful work. though he may
have passed on without knowing,
this story keeps glowing
with passion and drama. ol?!
"
"the pups' mom is a bitch: that's the name
that she's called and exactly the same
one we give to all those
tiresome bitches, god knows,
who inflame and complain and lay blame.
"
"irv berlin  was a factory of song;
he wrote ""god bless america"", long
a tune icon, beloved.
he can surely be shoved
to the forefront of songwriters' throng.
"
"we've steamed these young stalks till they're tender;
made some mayo with help from my blender.
what an elegant dish,
absolutely delish?
come partake of asparagus splendor!
"
"of course, change is a given?goes on
without end. it may just be the dawn
of a good thing or not,
so enjoy what you've got.
are you agent or some passive pawn?
"
"""to love beyond measure, exceeding
the usual norms, not impeding
old-fashioned style care
that is proud to be square,""
the word cherish is what you are needing.
"
"my fatal addiction is drink;
my brain is so stewed, i can't think.
on this, my last bender,
a final deep-ender,
i'm tottering now on the brink.
"
"i'm a cardplaying freak?i'm a nut
about betting, and poker is what
i'm an ace at, but junk
fills my hand and i'm sunk,
yet the pot's full; i'd love to bluff, but...
"
"good old lenny, a musical star:
a genius, he raised music's bar.
he showed music was cool,
used tv as his school.
west side story's performed wide and far.
"
"she just blows up for naught, gets upset,
just as mad as a hen who gets wet,
all for something she's heard.
it was one errant word
that has lit her short fuse, i regret.
"
"attempting a feat and just not
giving up, i sure gave it a shot.
now by fate, i feel blessed,
because?who would have guessed?
i wound up with a champ's winning pot!
"
"a back and forth's sometimes a drag
when the argument's hitting a snag.
with respect or disdain,
there is something to gain?
but indifference? go pack your bag!
"
"when considering basics, i start
from the bottom. foundation's the heart
of the matter. the trick
is to not lay one brick
till you check with the specs on your chart.
"
"i'm still open to options; i'm free
as a bird; i live singly with glee.
i've no kids (that i know of),
so smugly i crow of
my bachelor status?whoopee!
"
"u2's singer's been pleading the case
for a lot of world causes. the pace
of world aid has been speeded
and nations have heeded
his voice and his heart full of grace.
"
"this blonde, such a bombshell, was  great?
a sex icon whose charm was innate.
then our flutterby queen
of the hollywood screen,
norma jeane, met so sadly her fate.
"
"do we need some more ways to all say
""no more war!"", ""war is hell!"", and to bray
anti-war poems and songs
or see more of war's wrongs?
let's have peace, not more war; let us pray.
"
"anacondas?affectionate snakes:
with a slide and a slither, one makes
a sly move round a victim;
in minutes it's tricked 'im,
and hugged him to death in two shakes.
"
"critic's comments keep playwrights in check,
but his influence bothers like heck.
he gives to my plays
a kind of fake praise.
would an albatross fit 'round his neck?
"
"hear the master's production so fine,
great beethoven's work: a rich mine
of music?iconic,
majestic, symphonic?
beloved and treasured, like wine.
"
"it feels like the hot fires of hell
are fueling my fever; i well
may expire from the pain,
and i'm nearly insane.
""he was burned up,"" my gravestone will tell.
"
"i do caregiver's work, so i tend
to some folks who can no longer fend
for themselves. i feel use-
ful when serving them juice
and their meals, perhaps helping them mend.
"
"there he stands in the headlights, confused,
kinda baffled and sorely abused.
he sure looks like he'll drown;
seems he's headed straight down.
poor puppy, life's left him so bruised.
"
"i once went just ape?i adored
that hit tune; when it played i was floored.
now i'm sick of it, hate
what was great till of late.
i abhor what i loved; now i'm bored.
"
"all the animals prisoned in zoos?
are they there 'cause they're paying their dues?
will they wind up, still penned,
to then meet a sad end?
up to me, it is not what i'd choose.
"
"these are marks from infliction of hurt:
blood discolors to boldly assert
its sad evidence...black
and blue bruises. a whack
requires treatment with ice, cold and curt.
"
"you accumulate trash; that's too bad?
your whole house is a mess, really sad.
but your stocks have behaved?
lots of money you've saved?
you're cleaning up, fun's to be had!
"
"like a winner, he bounds up those stairs,
while the music amps up and then blares.
he's won, he's the champ!
but rocky's now gramp?
let's see how his next new flick fares.
"
"extreme capitalism's not fair.
its seeds of destruction are there:
super-rich all get fatter,
have-nots do not matter;
the system (like life) doesn't care.
"
"it's our blood?like the gas in our tank:
those red blood cells that we have to thank
for our oxygen; then
there are white ones, for when
wounds infect, or we'll die, to be frank.
"
"aroma: the smell of some spice,
steaming coffee, or lemon?all nice!
but if there's a bad whiff
and it's you, in a jiff
the room clears. got bo? pay the price!
"
"we have freedom of choice, good to know?
wise decisions will help us to grow,
while a dumb one can make
for a horrid mistake,
making life a real tough row to hoe.
"
"all the money's gone missing, and so's
auntie's jewel box, too. jimmy joe's
since absconded; he's run
to some beach in the sun,
margarita in hand, sandy toes.
"
"this yellow, sweet, edible smile?
fruit of preference, worldwide, by a mile!
with taste unsurpassed,
they're eaten up fast?
give a hand, they're the top of the pile!
"
"though she saw what the future would bring,
none believed poor cassandra. one thing
of which she had warned
and doomed troy simply scorned:
a gift horse would fell city and king.
"
"something bad happens, things go awry;
""what a bummer!"" lamenting, i'll cry.
when things hum right along,
life is like a sweet song,
and then wham!!!, real life shows that's a lie.
"
"when there's stuff that you plan getting hawked
and strong sales that you wish being chalked...
if it's bait that you need,
here's what's hard not to heed?
those smooth booth babes, spot-lit, getting gawked.
"
"cars are [_] useful; [_] convenient; [_] thrilling;
[_] affecting earth's warming; [_] tank-filling
expenses; [_] wild love
boats; or [_]  all the above;
not to mention?a cause of mass killing.
"
" armani's the darling of those
who want to spend lots on their clothes.
fashionistas, both male
and female?whose grail
is his shops?are so chic, heads to toes.
"
"cerulean's the color of skies
and the blue that you find in some eyes.
it's a color so calm
that it acts like a balm
when you weary of color that fries.
"
"living recklessly, devil may care,
cavalierly, i feared no one's dare.
what seemed cool now looks rash;
i regret all that dash?
i reside now in long long-term care.
"
"they get called on when somebody's ill
or they stand in the shadows real still;
they're a secondish fiddle,
may resent it a liddle,
but backups will oft fill the bill.
"
"old acquaintances (more than a few,
abandoned, like footprints in dew):
are they still as they were
or like fog, just a blur?
fond memories, like photos, fade too.
"
"he's big daddy of all of our race;
made instantly?hands, feet and face.
from his rib there came eve,
then they both had to leave
eden's garden, sent thence in disgrace.
"
"a besotted me, heels over head,
adoration gone cuckoo. instead
of a measured and sane
kind of passion, a bane.
i'm in agony now that i'm wed.
"
"when we organize similar start-
of-word sounds, we alliterate. part
of the writer's technique,
used in jest while we speak,
it suggests, some surmise, we're sure smart.
"
"this humble white powder, real cheap,
that's so versatile offers a heap
of wonderful, handy
and really jim-dandy
amazing ideas to reap.
"
"now the dirt dikes are crumbling; the walls,
too, are tumbling; there's blame because all's
going to hell in a basket.
fiddle-dee and a-tasket!
kinda late for our waking-up calls.
"
"we adapt or we die; change is good.
i'd stay put, be content, if i could.
if swift time would stand still
(which we know's not the drill),
i'd be glad just to stay where i stood.
"
"we'll be better than ever, you'll see,
once the water goes down. things'll be
hunky-dory. we'll rise
up again! a surprise?
unbelievable, even for me.
"
"ah, ambrosia, a drink of the gods!
if you score some, your writing fame's odds
and your rep are then cinched,
immortality clinched.
poetasters will have to stay clods.
"
"haloed angels have wings, so we say;
they just sing and play harps all the day.
they have long, wavy tresses
and wear filmy dresses.
have they organs beneath, though, i pray?
"
"i was doing so well, really sure,
till things went awry. the sweet lure
is too strong; i succumb
once again, acting dumb.
when i backslide, it seems there's no cure.
"
"sap that's petrified, amber's a gem
and also the name of a femme.
hold these jewels up to light,
there's a chance that you might
see some flora or fauna in them.
"
"""you impress me by doing what's hard;
you surpass all the rest by a yard!
your ability's great?
is your skill just innate?""
""nope, just practice, more practicing, pard.""
"
"in my one hand's a pretzel, a mug
in the other, i'm set and real snug.
drinkin' buddies and me,
we're content as can be!
c'mon, guys?bottoms up, chug-a-lug!
"
"hey, americans?you wide awake?
we must all be alert, need to take
all precautions. stand guard
against foes trying hard
to destroy us. our country's at stake.
"
"our american songbook's replete
with composers and love songs so sweet;
richard rodgers, cole porter?
many others i oughtta
include?tin pan alley's elite!
"
"some adults spend their lives in mere play,
find escape in amusement all day;
pursue fun and kids' games
(but i won't name you names)?
each one chooses and goes their own way.
"
"the deep baritone voice, in that song,
is so smooth and so thrillingly strong.
as it soars, so my heart
lifts up too, does a cart-
wheel. his singing just sweeps me along!
"
"this russian transformed modern dance;
left balletomanes all in a trance;
stripped ballet to bare bones;
took dance into new zones?
yankee dancers then took their proud stance.
"
"there's this hunk full of vigor and vim,
whose physique makes us gawk in the gym.
he?so buff that we gape
and try real hard to ape?
is such a big bozo, so dim.
"
"my name's atlas, no doubt that i'm strong!
i've been hefting the heavens so long!
for their books full of maps,
those cartographer chaps
use my name, without paying?that's wrong!
"
"wham and bam, and then ""thank you"", he'll say,
as he, satisfied, swaggers away.
nine months later?the baby.
she'll recall the guy, maybe;
but darling sweet billy will stay.
"
"if i'm hurt, in some fashion bereaved,
and my sorrow cannot be relieved,
with a sore, heavy heart
that is all torn apart?
you might say that i'm greatly aggrieved.
"
"there's my nuclear family, then cousins
and aunties, then uncles. the buzzin's
real fierce when we meet
(grab a plate, find a seat!)
all my calabash folks, by the dozens!
"
"when a cyclone, tsunami or storm
ends its snit?then that violent form
of behavior gets spent
and the force that was pent
is becalmed. what relief! back to norm!
"
"this amazingly great hymnal fave
was writ by a preacher, once slave-
trader! how can this be?
god's wonders, we see,
may result in the song this man gave.
"
"i'm excited, worked up, i can't wait;
anticipation will kill me?she's late.
if she doesn't come now,
i will just have a cow...
i'm so psyched?it's our very first date!
"
"when my soul from my body is cleft,
my remains, my cadaver's what's left.
please arrange then to bury,
and say the hail mary
(those words that console the bereft).
"
"avowed foe, he contrives these attacks
to destroy us. his blood money backs
these mad bombers to maim
and to kill with no shame;
that bin laden, all decency lacks.
"
"he was chapman, then later became
""johnny appleseed"". planting, his game,
put trees 'cross the land;
seeds sown from his hand
gave to johnny his great claim to fame.
"
"when in life, there are choices, we're free
for alternative options?agree?
i'll consider plan a,
see another good way,
then decide what my action will be.
"
"smarty alex, the world-famous bird,
always ready with many a word,
now is silent and gone,
but his record lives on.
he's the wordiest bird ever heard!
"
"alter ego succeeds to make two
of me?different, but cool?though it's true,
he, my doppelganger, minds
my mind. sometimes he finds
ways to trip me?says ""lots"", i'll say ""few"".
"
"here's a question: my poor muddled mind
wants to know?when and where can i find
a good answer to life's
big fat riddle: why wife's
viewpoints rule and all mine get maligned?
"
"i'll get some white powder to mail
in an envelope; hope i won't fail
with my anthrax attack.
it's my way to ""get back""
for the time that they threw me in jail.
"
"""allelujah!"" it shouts, as my soul
in its joy praises being. the whole
of me joins in the joyful
elation; my boy-ful
self feels it's arrived at soul's goal.
"
"i appreciate kindness?you're nice!
when you stroke me, you don't set a price.
and my room and my board?
they're just purrrfect, my lord;
so to show you my love, here's some mice.
"
"high anxiety rules. you can bet
times are tough as they ever can get.
nails are bit to the quick;
rescue comes in the nick.
that was close?christ, i'm covered with sweat!
"
"there's the carrot: it's there to entice?
an incentive to do something nice
for somebody. a stick's
there to give a few licks
if the carrot alone won't suffice.
"
"among leading diseases that kill
is the cardiovascular ill.
many folks will depart
when the blood to their heart
becomes blocked. have you made out your will?
"
"can you pry this can open a jot?
i can't budge it myself 'cause i've got
this arthritis. such pain
(i don't mean to complain)
ties my life and my hand in a knot.
"
"when such peace dawned (a blessing i knew,
this beatitude, special joy, few
come to feel)?how to say?
is there more than to pray,
giving thanks for this gift? hallelu!
"
"blah, blah, blah's what we say when we mean
there's no substance at all to what's been
just now uttered, a dig
at some talk, like two big
bits of white space, with nothing between.
"
"to alleviate, lighten the pain,
to relieve and to cause some great strain
to lessen's a blessing,
especially when pressing
and urgent. yes, pain's such a bane.
"
"it's my job, i get paid; it's not easy?
being ceo's tough. some get queasy
laund'ring billions of bucks;
honest work is for shmucks?
this big business takes guts. (so i'm sleazy.)
"
"tiny blastula, tucked in your ma's
pregnant bod: when her egg and your pa's
seed combined, you began
as a woman or man?
soon to be a wee peter or roz!
"
"a biopic?life in a flick
of a somebody?may, or not, click.
it depends if it spawns
our attention or yawns.
celebs fare the best, not some hick.
"
"this neat limerick's my brainchild. i've thought
long and hard, so i feel that i ought
to be proud of its birth?
for what this babe is worth.
i sure hope all my thought's not for naught.
"
"you slipped an erroneous tip
with that troublesome bum steer ? a gyp!
i could shame, i could maim you;
i certainly blame you
for misinformation, you drip!
"
"you can always seduce me to eat
goldy cantaloup?luscious and sweet,
juicy, tasty, and nice?
may i have one more slice?
it's a neat way to help beat the heat.
"
"will there be something else that you need?
is that everything? oh, you exceed
what you brought in your wallet?
""cash and carry"", we call it?
lack of dough? ""put it back"" is our creed.
"
"from the bowels of earth and the flights
of his feelings, his basso voice lights
up the stage; or more rightly,
he cloaks the hall lightly
in mantles of chocolate nights.
"
"the sex kitten, mademoiselle
bb (ooh la la!), a true belle:
she lit up the screen
though merely a teen.
her film presence still casts a strong spell.
"
"remember that all things must pass.
though your heart breaks, that hot, pretty lass
whom you loved has now gone,
but your life will go on,
and your pain's just a test in life's class.
"
"us mean gunslingers know how to shoot
with our gats, and our rifles to boot.
my sight's set on just
making you bite the dust,
you sick, sucking, bad-guy galoot.
"
"through the years, we've been treated so rough;
we've taken your crap and your guff.
we are now acting up,
bile just flows from our cup?
all you homophobes: 'nough is enough!
"
"there was an old guy with a beard
who for years went unkempt and unsheared.
his hirsuteness (in dreads)
now houses huge beds
of all manner of things, wild and weird.
"
"a panda's main food is bamboo,
which is useful in other ways, too.
with their groves being slashed,
these bears' habitat's dashed
and they find themselves locked in some zoo.
"
"there's this term for our kind?baby-boomer:
we have aged, gotten rich (there's a rumor),
but i'm not so well-heeled.
my lame life has revealed
that i'm slow to succeed, a late bloomer.
"
"faux-avuncular pervert, fake lover
of kids, 'round our playgrounds you hover
with sweets. moms, beware!
dom's uncle-y care
prompts a warning: the candy's his cover.
"
"there are blocks in our cities of grime
and cool blocks of green ice cream (key lime!).
and what could be worse
than a writer's blocked verse?
well, try a blocked colon some time.
"
"to ponder all manner of things
on topical issues, it brings
measured thoughts to the table?
just as much as it's able;
with all things considered, truth rings.
"
"i don't need all the fuss of acclaim
and attention that comes with great fame,
but it's nice when it's known
something grew from seeds sown,
and be warmed by art's beautiful flame.
"
"what is this? who asked you to butt in?
your damn meddling screwed up what had been!
you're not helping at all
and you're stirring my gall!
just butt out, 'cause my patience wears thin.
"
"a tornado roared through like a train;
now our homes and our town, even main
street's a ruin, wiped out?
it's been a real rout.
we're annihilated, shocked, and in pain.
"
"it's a kind of a laugh; it's the way
that a baby, half smiling, just may
then break out with the charm
and completely disarm
you?a chortle, thus making your day.
"
"we've tried and we've tried; now we must
think of changing our course, so we just
should admit it's too bad?
to continue is mad;
not defeat?let's just call it a bust.
"
"if young tom built a bomb, he'd be blown up,
ka-boom! blown to bits (way too grown-up?
the making of bombs).
as for drinking, when tom's
gotten bombed, he's been known to have thrown up.
"
"herman melville went sailing awhile;
on acushnet he practiced his style.
his great book about whaling
sure succeeded in nailing
the g.a.n., ""great"" by a mile.
"
"here's the scene where the sheriff walks in?
the bar's packed. the tough bad guy has been
in wait?pow!?throws a punch.
bedlam's loosed (crash, bam, crunch)!
villain's floored, law prevails, end of din.
"
"the birdsong birds sing sets their space.
it might seem full of sweetness and grace,
but it signals a mate.
this one's trying to state:
""hey, youse udda boids?outta my face!""
"
"salty food is a no-no; fat, too?
so take care what you eat. all too true?
i should exercise. why
then, oh why, haven't i
taken my good advice? shouldn't you?
"
"there are lines at the car lot, just waiting?
lots of salesmen and autos. the rating
of cars can be iffy?
kicking tires in a jiffy
may land you a car you'll be hating.
"
"bring on clowns, all the (wow!) acrobats;
big top tent is ablaze and big cats
(grrr) are jumping through hoops;
a poor clown's fallen (oops!):
greatest show in the world! doff your hats!
"
"we're alike, matching peas in our shell?
'cause we're twins, we get on really swell.
we are formed in like manner
and, passed through a scanner,
there's really no difference to tell.
"
"bulk buying may save you a bit,
but when home again, you'll need to fit
on your shelves all you've bought.
don't you think that you ought
to just stop overbuying and quit?
"
"want ""good"" rating? just please take a glance
at your feet treading mine?it's your stance
i'm  berating, not glad
we're now paired off?i'm mad!
keep your feet off of mine when we dance!
"
"were you really so tiny, so small?
with wee shoes, teeny teeth; did you crawl,
did you pee on me, maybe?
wuz you our widdle baby?
you recall, now you're grown up so tall?
"
"it turned business-as-usual around,
when the whites in the south sadly found
how things then had to be:
a bus boycott set free
the brave blacks, firmly standing their ground.
"
"the great medici?movers and shakers,
aristocrats, bankers, lawmakers.
source of monarchs and popes,
they were blue bloods, no dopes,
and had plenty of dough, but weren't bakers.
"
"chet baker, the coolest of horn
jazz performers to ever be born,
also sang very well;
his hip discs now still sell.
his sad fall left his fans all forlorn.
"
"not enough?yeah, go over the top,
keep on dazzlin'... ooh, baby, don't stop!
c'mon, make the house ring?
your jeweled voice is your bling!
respect 'retha?the cream of the crop!
"
"the broadcasts and newspapers pull
the same tales from their bag till i'm full.
stories drone on forever,
ad nauseam. never
repeat them, please?cut all the bull.
"
"the lump's going down and relief
is in store to displace all my grief.
meds alleviate pain,
bringing sun 'stead of rain.
i'm so lucky my grief was so brief.
"
"it's gone right off the charts?it's a block-
buster hit. crowds of people will flock
to get tickets to view
this most recent of new
whoop-dee-doos (but, to me, just a crock).
"
"accordion music gets flak,
although some folks would welcome welk back.
wanna tango or polka?
a whole lot of folk're
all ready to dance, that's their knack.
"
"i would hope i'm not thought of as cold,
though it's true that i could be more bold.
mad desire's not for me
(just a cup of weak tea)?
i'm asexual, or simply too old.
"
"alert! quick?get out, leave the room!
if a bomb does explode with a boom,
let's hope everyone's clear,
'cause if not, then i fear
that the boom will create a big tomb.
"
"my poor fingers?so weak, i can't work.
with this damn cts, like a dirk
that's afflicting my hands,
there's this pain?oh, my lands!?
lots of downtime (but sick leave's a perk).
"
"when a carrot-top's mentioned, i think
of a redheaded guy, very pink-
skinned and freckled. but real
carrot tops can't conceal
that they're green, like that awful grass drink.
"
"in her dark, ugly mood she shouts out.
apoplectic, she shows a mad pout.
gone ballistic, our sue
is in such a stirred stew!
with no beau, she is doing without.
"
"my beer belly sticks out to here;
i can not (burp) deny that a mere
mug or two gives me pounds.
just a couple of rounds
adds a ton to my frame (burp), i fear.
"
"george's better half, gracie, was great:
the loved spouse of george burns, his mad mate
in real life and real pal in
their shows, gracie allen,
a ditz. now she's missed and ""the late"".
"
"avian flu is an ailment so scary?
this disease should make everyone chary.
wash your hands, don't touch that
or in two seconds flat,
you'll be sicker than sick, so be wary.
"
"what's baleful? well, blues can be wailful,
then ask convicts in cells, a whole jailful;
there's the moan of a sax
and a kid getting whacks.
seen the eyes of a beagle? they're baleful.
"
"when you try to get something so hard,
out of reach, just beyond by a yard,
if you want it so much,
a big stretch (life is such),
you beg, borrow or steal, no holds barred.
"
"a strong breeze came?my hat's blown away.
blown away can additionally say
love's astonished, amazed me,
and certainly dazed me?
astounded by love, all's okay.
"
"i'm confined to my bed with a tad
of a fever; i'm ailing and sad.
deemed ok by my doc?
i think that's a crock?
tell me why am i feeling so bad?
"
"give it up, let your hands make some noise.
what a smashing performance! such joys
to have heard such great beauty,
so it's only our duty
to yell and applaud?heck with poise!
"
"big deals are events very great?
momentously so?that create
lots of waves and make news
that can shock or amuse.
will a teen's first affairs really rate?
"
"a boom can mean good times, when things
economically rise, and it brings
welcome riches and wealth.
boom is bad when mad stealth
bombers strike out with modern-day slings.
"
"these horrible deeds we keep hearing
reported so blithely?i'm fearing
they're glossing the madness.
is treating the sadness
as ""business as usual"" less searing?
"
"down by three, bases loaded, the last
of the ninth; here's the wind-up, real fast;
first strike one, then strike two,
and then, thwack! yay?woo-hoo!?
a grand slam! isn't baseball a  blast?
"
"it's real reason to sing, if i felt
that i could, with this hand i've been dealt.
now's the time for some blues,
that might help pay my dues,
make the lump in my heart start to melt.
"
"when there's something gone wrong, all the flingers
of crud do their thing?those mud slingers.
passing blame is their game,
making all the same lame
accusations?big, whopping humdingers.
"
"who wrote this terrif limerick? well,
i'm the genius, the author. oh, hell,
i suppose i'll reveal:
i just borrow or steal
a word here, a line there. (please don't tell.)
"
"my room, deathly still, is a cell
where, in pain, i am suffering like hell.
so sequestered, alone?
is there no one to phone?
how i wish i would soon become well.
"
"when i polish the floor, i will buff
it. exerting, i puff and i huff
at the gym till i gleam,
and my bod gets esteem
'cause i'm buff?surely not a cream puff.
"
"a sweet, stirring song fills the air;
oh, my soul! what a smashing and rare
aural heartfelt devotion
evincing emotion?
this aria holds magic to spare!
"
"when you've no time to spare, take the highways.
if you do have some time, try the byways.
the highway's a breeze,
but a byway gives ease.
whichever, drive safe?don't go die-ways.
"
"this accomplishment's really a feat;
our scientists think this is neat.
the best advance yet:
corn with cow genes will get
us a cereal-milk combo treat!
"
"i'm in deep, really over my pate;
i've been holding my breath. is my fate
now going to be
wet and watery? gee?
guess i'm doomed to  asphyxi (glub) ate!
"
"a small tab of some acid, a quick
flight, a trip into space?what a kick!
i'm so zonked, really flying,
out-of-sight, in-the-skying!
hell or heaven, can't say?take your pick.
"
"from the granite of rushmore, he shaped
four presidents' heads. we have gaped
at his feat all these years
that's inspired our proud cheers.
first americans think their site raped.
"
"yes, i cavil and argue for naught
at the drop of a hat, and i've fought
another pitched battle
with words that can rattle.
a kvetch, i'm wound up, overwrought.
"
"there was bird, and then lester and diz,
blowin' bebop like nobody's biz.
oo-bla-dee, bo-dee-oh,
these cool cats sure could blow!
yeah, bebop's so great?lots of fizz!
"
"i'm eating an apple as fast
as i can. it's a groove, it's a blast,
it's so sweet and delicious!
i know it's nutritious?
what's this? a bit worm? i'm aghast!!
"
"folks scream ""eeek!"" and most run from these critters;
araneids sure give me jitters.
their webs are incredible ?
steel-like yet edible!
look! count its legs as it skitters!
"
"a bottleneck narrows things down
on the highways and streets in a town;
and then, may i ask,
regarding a flask:
is a bottleneck's stopper its crown?
"
"for the pain that you feel in some part
of your body, for remedy start
out by taking these pills
to help lessen your ills:
take two aspirins. (good, too, for your heart!)
"
"an extreme of alarm's when you're freaked:
an over-the-top fear that's peaked
to the point of the loss
of control (you're not boss
of emotions), like  fear voiced or shrieked.
"
"hey, just bug off, you buggers! i wish
i could spray you away or just swish
you all right down the drain!
you who've caused me such pain,
now you ask for a favor? go fish!
"
"i bet all of my chips on this hand;
all-or-nothing is it, my last stand!
here's the deal?heart on hold,
eyes shut tight, hands ice-cold?
my royal flush broke the bank! ain't life grand!
"
"so alert, i'm all eyes and all ears,
like an animal sees and it hears.
paranoia makes sense?
it's my best self-defense?
don't you dare make a mock of my fears.
"
"many big-ticket items bring woes,
like the plasma tv i just chose.
not just energy drain,
but my wallet feels pain?
i decry it, but pay through my nose.
"
"all those greek marble hunks really show
calisthenics' effects. we now know
a hale body and mind
may be what you will find?
when developing both, you will grow.
"
"a jarred cheese got us all in a tizz
and has sold just like nobody's biz.
though it gets tummies queasy,
it spreads smooth and easy;
for melted fromage, get cheez whiz.
"
"i'm attuned to the universe, one
with the all! i feel newly begun,
my awakening a prize.
i've now opened my eyes...
where'd you say we were parked again, son?
"
"those athletic supporters jocks wear
to support, in events' wear and tear,
their two family jewels,
in fierce sporty duels,
give a lift to that dangly pair.
"
"our payment is late, in arrears,
twenty days overdue. all our fears
have come true. what to do?
there's a repo man who
will be glad to appear, when he hears.
"
"this scene is just drenched with a sweet
glow, awash with a warmth. it's so neat
to be part of this meeting,
if ever so fleeting.
this meet, i repeat, is a treat!
"
"i'm so freaked out and really afraid?
sats are tomorrow. i've made
a big goof, didn't cram
'nough before the exam?
shunning cliffsnotes, i smell a low grade.
"
"here's the countdown?there's three, two, then one!
we have lift-off! it's nasa's top gun,
a fiery-tailed zinger?
a high-tech humdinger?
earth is ditched, it's been mooned on the run!
"
"this diva lives up to her name;
her temper and voice are her fame?
kathleen battle sure sings
like an angel with wings,
but her tantrums are cause for some blame.
"
"all god's animals do have their rights;
great and small, beasts can furnish delights.
so when some humans choose
to be cruel and abuse
other creatures, i get into fights.
"
"a fiddler of sorts and a miser
on the air: wry jack benny?none wiser.
he knew how to coax
smiles from pauses (no hoax!)
and brought laughter that gushed like a geyser.
"
"i'm accomplished and thought of as great!
i practiced and practiced?the wait!
all my effort was tough,
and the going quite rough!
now a master, i'll lay it to fate.
"
"yes, attachments are great when they're great.
i'd been feeling divinely of late.
but then after a while,
frowns displacing my smile,
i detached from attachment?that's fate.
"
"your approval's applause, and my day
gets brightened; the memory of nay-
saying's banished. a twitch
of a smile throws a switch
that tells me i'm doing ok!
"
"he, just once in a while, will give in,
and he'll offer his praise with a grin.
but his words aren't well-meant;
there's a hidden intent,
and his back-handed compliment's thin.
"
"so seductive, some songs have a way
to soothe my sore heart and allay
my numbed mind and beguile
my emotions awhile,
as a smile, like a sunbeam's kiss, may.
"
"as a castaway, crusoe was lone
on an island till friday was blown
there. alone for a spell,
they then learned very well
how to fend for themselves, skills to hone.
"
"have a dream? yes, i do! an absurd
and impossible, beautiful, bird-
like, insistent clear vision
and bright-beamed decision.
aspiration's my goal's crucial word.
"
"when i'm fishing, i catch and release,
only out just for fun. to decrease
the huge load in our jails,
our system sure fails:
perps released, cells get filled without cease.
"
"blood has fatal attraction. that's why
some folks flock around mishaps. the guy
who's now bleeding and losing
the blood he is oozing?
some find this of interest. not i!
"
"so deceitful, like conning the birds
off the trees, sneaky shysters with words
pull those tricky-dick deals
with their ploys, and it feels
there are schemes up the sleeves of these nerds.
"
"all the omens look  bad and yet, still,
do hopes hang 'round the corner? no, nil.
we are all very wary,
and portents are scary;
the future is auguring ill.
"
"so you blame me, you're passing the buck?
that's your game, and it's me who'll get stuck,
in the muck. that's the deal?
i sure doubt if i'll heal.
i get blamed, my name shamed?just my luck!
"
"the akasha's a record for tallying
all the good things and all shilly-shallying.
i have lived many lives
with children and wives;
it's all written, with whom i've been pallying.
"
"by giving, they lose their short lives.
by living, their flame briefly thrives.
aglow, a lit candle
is how we can handle
a blackout: their light still survives.
"
"my time now appears to have come;
my number's been totted to sum.
life's allotment of time's
running fast out of dimes.
will i soon find out where we come from?
"
"william caxton self-printed his book
and, in britain, scored first when he took
and then printed some sayings,
though encountering nayings;
the reading world really was shook.
"
"an appointment is once again missed,
for distractions the maid can't resist.
""it's happened again,
she's the brains of a hen!""
the queen is majestically pissed.
"
"the third reich tried to purify race,
choosing blondes with the kind of fair face
they thought aryans  possessed
to lie down with their best.
their eugenics were stopped, with god's grace.
"
"how to name the unspeakable? can
atrocious describe all that man
has inflicted on others?
even babies and  mothers?
does it hint at barbarity's span?
"
"some beefeaters, guards at the tower
of london,  are feeling quite sour:
a bird in their ranks?
her appointment there's  thanks
to her years in the army. girl power!
"
"inclusive are also and and,
and the elegant am(swoosh!)persand.
really helpful, they join
thoughts and words writers coin,
this trio that's kept in demand.
"
"lovely chrissie, aloof and so chaste,
has no hurry or inkling of haste.
of a very shy bent,
all her modesty's meant
that her loverly bloom goes to waste.
"
"i see things can be lifted by air,
become airborne and fly?like a hair,
a huge airplane, a leaf.
knowing i'd come to grief
trying flying sans wings, i won't dare.
"
"what a jerk, he's a pain in the ass!
at dissing, he's head of the class.
he's mean past belief;
when seeking relief,
just take aspirins?aspersions' pains pass.
"
"i've been trying my best to amass
a big fortune. alack and alas?
what will rise can then fall.
i've been ruined, lost all,
for my assets have turned?gold to brass.
"
"the big chief at the top of the pile
says what's what, takes control. if you rile
him, beware?he can strike,
do what you might not like.
""big kahuna no talk about trial.""
"
"our campaign only started to heat up;
on the trail i attempted to meet up,
win folks, but no dice.
the results were not nice:
an assault and a thumpin'?got beat up.
"
"bossa nova, brazil's lively beat,
is the samba renewed with cool heat.
at once sexy and hip,
ms gilberto?a pip!?
made the beach, ipanema, so reet!
"
"been abducted? so get a rich friend
to buy you some wings, comprehend?
folks got bonds to get cashed
so your throat won't get slashed?
cough up money or this is your end!
"
"silly capers are usually light-
hearted fun. salty capers are right
to embellish a dish
like some chicken or fish?
serve some up for your dinner tonight!
"
"this poem was writ in the morn,
in the dawn's early light. thus were born
the famed words that became,
to our nation's acclaim,
the anthem sung sometimes with scorn.
"
"a band-aid  for boo-boos will aid
by shielding small sores till they fade.
for problems much bigger
some try?you go figger?
lame stop-gaps that don't make the grade.
"
"the brazil nut tree grows very tall.
the agouti, with teeth sharp and small,
will secrete in the ground
the tree's nut. if not found,
it grows trees that can drop a close call.
"
"the cashew gives fruit and a nut.
the nut is quite popular but
though the fruit's not well known,
to its taste i am prone,
as are folk who discern what is what.
"
"ahmadinijad's head of the land
of iran, and both he and his band
of those mullahs pose threats
to the west. place your bets?
are there nukes in the cards in their hand?
"
"when you're ready to slow your life down,
change your mood with a love song. don't frown?
a ballad will soothe,
and your life will seem smooth?
like the feel of a fine velvet gown.
"
"every impulse results in an act
countered equally. that law's exact ?
newton's third. karmic law
says that any act's flaw
makes the scope of your next life contract.
"
"down at birdland, way back in the day,
is where hep-cats and jazz greats would play?
""lady day"", ""dizzy"", ""bird"",
monk, and ""prez"" were the word:
the hippest?cool, even today!
"
"as you hear, it's a part of the word;
lure's a trick both for you or a bird.
when the baited poised trap
has ensnared the prey (snap!),
to escape is quite hard, have you heard?
"
"is it possible, living sans blame
and thus honoring buddha's good name?
to be doing no harm, a
clear, honorable dharma,
is worthy, but maybe too tame?
"
"what's funny for some isn't fun,
when the butt of the joke comes undone.
some cartoons set aflame
muslim fury. they blame
twelve mere pics as if shot from a gun.
"
"adhesive tape's handy, i guess,
yet it sure gives me lots of distress.
it adheres to the floor,
to the door, and what's more,
sticks to me, all gummed up ? what a mess!
"
"we're united, and stronger for that;
bound  together by faith, standing pat
in belief and in trust
'cause our cause, it is just.
we're religious and wear the same hat.
"
"kidding, so laugh-inspiring?provoking
amusement and mirth; high-jinks joking
giving pep when we're slow,
lifting spirits when low?
when you're bantering, all's okey-doking.
"
"with a bum rap, i get no respect;
i get dissed, also punctured and pecked.
it's not seen, what i'm worth?
it's been like this from birth.
i'm ok still, the last time i checked.
"
"finding life's truest calling is great,
and to do so's best sooner than late.
your life gains in power,
your energies flower?
a blessed gift given by fate.
"
"when events leave you wanting to bawl,
the result's an expression of gall:
fierce anger, a storm,
gathers force and takes form,
and its outburst can cast a black pall.
"
"the grassroots are heckling so madly;
their targets are taking it badly:
but are grassroots as green
as they'd like to be seen,
or a claque they call astroturf, sadly?
"
"beware, don't involve yourself, pet,
with a college kid, maybe regret
his feelings so callow
since his outlook's too shallow.
yes, cute, but that's all you might get.
"
"he yells ""whoa!"" from atop bucking hoss;
his world's spinning, he's been on the sauce.
his bow-legs locked tight,
sweating bricks, full of fight,
bronco buster, real tough, shows who's boss.
"
"he just loves to expound on how great
all his feats are. it gets so we hate
hearing more of his blather
and wish he would rather
just cool it?much bragging will sate.
"
"to run,  all your e-gear will need
some new batteries. don't get too teed?
with no power supplied
you'd likely get fried,
then go batter that sales guy. (cad's deed.)
"
"it's a fact, in the news: if it bleeds,
then it's surely a story that leads.
what sells papers is gore,
not a little, but more!
eyeball magnets?those bloodletting deeds!
"
"being negative's such a big loser;
for side-tracking things it's a doozer.
i prefer affirmation,
and make this declaration:
i'm for positive views?a yes-chooser.
"
"it may take just a while till you get
up to speed, so i'll wait and won't fret.
though at first all may hiss,
avantgarde works like this:
when we're dead, our work lives, you can bet.
"
"you keep giving me more of your blather,
so i'li tell you i really would rather
you save and go stuff
it. i've now had enough
of your nonsense and soft-soapy lather.
"
"i'll associate, join or consort,
and be partner in business, or court
someone's smiles and good cheer
(surely never a jeer!),
change a glum to a jollier sport.
"
"something horrid and cold in my den
makes me shiver all over and then
i let out a loud ""brrr!""
did you hear that? a whirr
like a wing flap?it's whirring again...!
"
"when the statement arrives, it's the an-
nualized yield that i anxiously scan.
then i find if i've gained
or i've lost (market waned),
moved ahead or stayed where i began.
"
"casanova's still famed as a great
super lover. his sexploits create
a remarkable tale;
he seemed seldom to fail
to partake from a very full plate.
"
"those huge cavendish clunkers are poor
when compared to the apple ones dour
folks like me will prefer.
smaller size won't deter
me?i choose them in my shopping tour.
"
"it now seems over-utilized; we're
also guilty of this, so i fear?
starting all that we say
with basically. may
it connote ""bottom line""? ""let's be clear""?
"
"things are burgeoning, billy now sees,
""bigger cars, bigger houses, big fees.
the trend's supersized, bigger,
including my 'figger'?
big bills...and my salary, please?""
"
"when i party, i like to get bashed,
meaning when i get lit?you know, smashed?
unless it's real hearty,
a party's no party.
oh my gosh?our sweet home's just been trashed!
"
"we love baked macaroni?so great?
oozing, topped with browned cheese, it should rate
number one on a plate!
when ideas and state
deals are cheesy?that's something to hate!
"
"a term of endearment pops out
of my mouth and my heart. it's about
a dear puppy's sweet kiss
that prompts my near bliss
and elicits an ""aw"" for ""wet snout"".
"
"his music, of passion and grace
distilled, is like velvet and lace.
he reshaped etude forms
and renewed nocturne's norms?
chopin truly enhanced music's face.
"
"a great actress who married mel brooks,
in her role, mrs. robinson, cooks
dustin's goose in the flick?
quite a foxy old chick.
she's remembered for smoldering looks.
"
"this famed bird painter's known by us all
for his pictures that hold us in thrall.
john james audubon's birds,
much more lovely than words,
will grace any room, any wall.
"
"my muse is a mean, fickle elf ?
picks me up, just amusing herself.
and then, thump! i descend
to the dumps, where i end
up abandoned, just left on the shelf.
"
"my calendar notes every date
that i need to pay heed. my worst trait
is forgetting them?pissing
me off. when i'm missing
those dates i get truly irate!
"
"dug from mud that till now was our bed,
two-shelled mollusks are heartlessly fed
to the fans of our kind,
who have food on their mind?
bivalve goodies to add to their spread.
"
"all these jabbering blabbermouths, deans
of trouble and spilling of beans?
they just can't shut their traps
and they often, perhaps,
must take heat for some really bad scenes.
"
"when plan a doesn't fly, there's plan b,
an alternate way that will free
up an impasse. i hope
that i've got enough rope
for some slack. please forgive stupid me.
"
"the scythe-wielding angel of death
pays a visit to snuff out the breath
of those who flout fate.
for example, there's nate,
whose sad lifespan was shortened by meth.
"
"on a mountain top, outstretching arms
spreading blessings on rio are charms
of the  cristo redentor,
who stands as a mentor,
a symbol that helps ward off harms.
"
"capitulate? no! what, give up?
i will not cave; to be a weak pup
is just not my bent?
you won't make a dent
in my armored resolve. me, tough? yup!
"
"there's the great deal and down side; the fun,
then the price that you pay; a race won,
then those aches the next day.
can't get 'round it, i say:
life's mixed bag has some rain and some sun.
"
"now i'm under arrest?too, too sad!
what's the problem? the outlook's quite bad.
i was just passing by...
now i'm locked up, and i
don't have bail, facing jail, and?egad!
"
"my name tin kong, translated, will mean
""old and precious"" (chinese are so keen
on antiques, as you know),
and it just goes to show:
what is said sometimes isn't what's seen.
"
"now past thirty, he's finally retiring,
our andre, whose games were inspiring.
winning many a set,
he'll be missed, you can bet.
is his future now champion-siring?
"
"a black hawk's been downed?oh, my god!
our poor boys, so abused, used as fod-
der for feeding the hate
of the mob; bitter fate:
an atrocity's given the nod.
"
"teenaged felix, a wunderkind, coolly
amazing, wrote pieces that truly
are icons. his gay
""wedding march"" for that play?
the dream?got him great renown, duly!
"
"there are bills in our wallets, all green;
and those ones that will wipe us out clean;
don't we all know some bill?
(one is married to hill.)
then those caps, bills worn backward, are seen.
"
"i goyng tly foh assimirirate,
tly yoh food, learn spik engwish, wait?
you wiw see, i do good?
wohk reew hahd rike folks should,
come amelican fast, not too late.
"
"a builder's son's spending his life
destroying: bin laden's head's rife
with dark gloom and with hate.
in his hands lies the fate
of the world, under damocles' knife.
"
"what good's sitting alone in your room?
just watch cabaret and the gloom
will, like magic, be banished?
each trace will have vanished?
while liza sings, nazi threats loom.
"
"i've a sweet tooth real bad. accolades
to all sugary treats: cheers, parades!
but what pushes my button,
what really is cuttin'?
it's honey that's getting top grades!
"
"not for everyone, music that's antic,
propulsive, dynamic, quite frantic?
adams' works are now widely
performed. some ask snidely:
""that's music? it sure ain't romantic!""
"
"used to be ('member when?) there were millionaires?
they're pass?.  now we've gotten these billionaires.
there's bill gates, then some kids
who are making their bids,
all becoming, gadzooks, some gazillionaires.
"
"we're a nation that's blessed with so much?
an ""embarrassment"", looked at as such.
with all of our waste
(our consumerist taste),
""there's-more-whence-that-came"" seems a crutch.
"
"look beyond the fa?ade or the rind
of all things. you should use your clear mind
and just learn to abide
if fond hopes are belied,
and you're left with sad jokes that you find.
"
"""all right then, already!"" i wail;
i bitch, then i scream, and i rail.
i know it's no use,
but gruffly let loose
a bilious riposte, then  turn tail.
"
"we love lucy, tv's goofy clown.
her mad gooniness?chocolated brown;
dressed in rags or in drag;
all glammed up or a hag?
are sheer madcap that cheers when you're down.
"
"california's an interesting place:
lots of sun, lots of folks, lots of space.
it's blamed for its freeways,
the smog, kooky ""me"" ways?
despite hollywood, state lacking grace.
"
"for ""protection"", fork over a ""cut"",
a percentage of profits. tut, tut!
no complaints, it's our game;
and our ways are our fame?
pay and play or you're shot in the gut!
"
"those abysmal thoughts, dredged from a pit
or abyss, may show absence of wit,
may be boring or sad,
deathly fearsome or bad?
dismal depth's what this label will fit.
"
"rome's impressive art phenom, he left
his city endowed with his deft,
magnificent, grand
works; at papal command,
gian lorenzo was warp to popes' weft.
"
"at the discount stores, maybe you'd druther
find a cheaper buy, less than another
more pricey one? get
the brand x: you can bet
that they're quite alike, one and the other.
"
"a plague's on our race spread so quick
by this sex-induced killer and sick-
ness, injected by need-
le by those who don't heed
the dire warnings, then die for a kick.
"
"now the options are few and my time's
running out and the nickels and dimes
add to dollars. it's high
time to choose, so when i
bite the bullet?i've no time for rhymes.
"
"i can sing a bright song and be cheered?
things are never as bad as i feared.
cheer, so light and so gladdening
can trump any saddening.
then there's cheer, laundry soap much revered.
"
"i feel i've been struck by a truck?
my body feels broken. my luck
to be ailing (so sick!)
is a tragical trick?
fickle fate's made my health one big ""yuck"".
"
"he's a superstar, cute as can be;
getting on, but big box office, he!
sometimes loopy, but hey?
when you're tom, it's ok.
cruise steers his own boat on the sea!
"
"burj khalifa?magnificent, tall?
stands so proudly and reigns over all
it surveys in dubai,
really high, scraping sky.
there are plans for one taller. what gall!
"
"like that albatross hung 'round my neck,
his critiquing's a drag and dumb dreck!
he gives to my plays
a kind of fake praise,
like a worthless unbankable check.
"
"avoid, if you're wise, any risky
behavior; you know what?too frisky
with sex or with drugs,
or bad girls and them thugs,
or you'll maybe deserve my tsk-tsky.
"
"angry folks will aggress, damn the hurt.
real adults will have learned to assert
their true selves and succeed
in a ploy or a deed
to react perhaps sweetly, yet curt.
"
"without sight, king of singers with soul,
ray's great voice surely stirred up the whole
listening world with his songs
that have thrilled cheering throngs.
his cool sounds are beloved, pole to pole.
"
"all these pissed-off and mixed-up young guys,
disaffected and heedless who dies,
are mad wanna-be martyrs
who are making bad barters,
believing those afterlife lies.
"
"to be childlike is charming to see,
as compared to a childish ami.
being childlike is huggable;
acting childish is sluggable?
from your childishness, set yourself free!
"
"""absolutely!"" i shout and i snap,
as i ready my hand for a slap.
i will not stand for flack,
and insist: ""white or black!
i'll have none of your shades-of-gray crap!""
"
"how time flies leaves me flatly aghast,
and each year zips by, faster than last!
my pace starts to lag
and my face starts to sag.
keeping up gets me down and harassed!
"
"an original skinhead, this dude
was so cool, smoothly bald and still viewed
as the king of old thailand?
""siam, it is my land!""
yul brynner was cheered, never booed.
"
"there's the class of a shiny brass band,
sunday concerts all over the land,
then the marching band's blare,
and some jazzy affair,
also marches of sousa?all grand!
"
"there's no smoking syringe, it is true,
so give benefit of the doubt, credit due
for what barry has done,
though some doubters have fun?
'stead of cheers they're all yelling out: ""booo!""
"
"could you cut me some slack, i beg?please?
it's a tough job as anyone sees.
i inherited this,
it's bush 2 you should dis?
since elected, i hardly catch z's!
"
"once so sure, now obliged to eat crow,
all those lawyers cried ""yes!"", but now ""no!""
their hyped ""airtight  case"" popped;
that big flop's now been dropped
in the dustbin of history. so!
"
"sure,  blood diamonds are pretty and bright,
but you should look more closely. you might
smell some smears of the mud
and the specks of the blood
that all speak to an african plight.
"
"was a herd of young girls named for dear
bambi's movie? walt disney, i hear,
made a whole bunch of ""bucks""
with that film. the name sucks
because bambi's a boy?is this clear?
"
"he's the man known for pardoning dick
milhous nixon, a final slick trick
from that crook and the first
from prez ford. was it worst
case or wise? it was such a big shtick!
"
"my old age has advanced; just to pee
is a challenge for fuddy-dud me!
i'm now really unwell
but still ""living"" a spell.
i'm assisted  and billed a big fee.
"
"louche, proud, arrogant leadership?hell
is resulting from that. who can tell
how these sad stories end
as the tragedies wend,
with these wars that we wish we could quell.
"
"coming down on poor me, you're so mean
to berate me. i never have seen
such a tirade of bile
and a huge, smelly pile
of pure nastiness, spilling such spleen!
"
"most think marriage eventfully tidal,
and some may approach in a sidle.
can a bridal affair
be compared to a snare?
to discuss a bride's ""bridle""'s not idle.
"
"a fat cash cow allows you to sell
on and on and keep milking it well.
human trafficking is
one such high-profit biz,
but its victims experience hell.
"
"i'm so hip, up-to-date with the news
of what's happening, up on the views
of those folks in  who's who.
i suspect there are few
au courant on that news i peruse.
"
"peaceful abbottabad acquired fame
when bin laden was killed as fair game.
a burb house was his lair.
his demise?headline fare.
the denials of pakistan? lame.
"
"yes, it's true that for some, life's a dream.
that's not always the case; it can seem
it's a nightmare so bad,
if one's story's real sad,
that in place of wide smiles, there's a scream.
"
"recall alistair cooke? who'd compare
with that host who long graced us on air?
very brit, head to toe,
his wide coverage could go
from alpha to zed, all with flair!
"
"the economy's falling apart,
so is business as usual smart?
whenever they're strapped,
all the wisest adapt?
they will think and then try a new start.
"
"the loud buzzing that's made by that horn?
that damn noise goes from night until morn!
it assaults my poor ears?
nearly brings me to tears.
vuvuzelas earn heaps of my scorn!
"
"brick and mortar stores, even the malls,
have now gone on the web (no more walls).
i just click on my mouse?
stuff shows up at my house
very quickly without any stalls.
"
"piling billions with bill and his wife,
mr. buffett has gifted with life
where death and disease
rules. the world now agrees
he'll bring goodness where misery's rife.
"
"an amnesty (pardon) now grants
me a narrow escape and a chance
to live life. now i'm safe,
though my enemies chafe.
my great joy's not a mere happenstance!
"
"a famed mecca of music for all
concert-goers, grand carnegie hall
in manhattan, is where
sublime musical fare
keeps all fans so completely in thrall.
"
"aerobatics like theirs are great thrillers
as they dive and reverse, swift wind-spillers.
falcons, eagles and hawks
rate attention and gawks
at the rapture of talon-ted killers.
"
"trying peace now when push comes to shove,
here's an olive branch, also a dove.
anger's peaked, let's just scratch it?
let's bury the hatchet!
enough beef, sweetie?wanna make love?
"
"shoes' and handbags' proclaim his name's fame: _____
the kids' way of saying trains' name: _____
we must do this when eating: _____
try this for good seating: _____
most sneeze thus, but do you sound the same? _____
"
"when you're using acrylic to paint
(it's plastic-based, oil-based it ain't),
it's easy to clean?
water-soluble, keen?
quick to dry, it makes oil paint quite quaint.
"
"where have all the aromas now gone
from cut flowers? we've seen a new dawn
of these huge gm blooms
that now brighten our rooms,
with sweet fragrance a sacrificed pawn.
"
"""well, whatever,"" is what teens now say
when they kind of concur it's ok.
laissez faire: go along
with the mood of the throng?
""i accede, you can have it your way.""
"
"we can bounce, have a ball with that toy,
and we dandle a  bouncing  babe boy.
""jersey bounce"", a jounced tune,
can be a jived croon.
did your paycheck just   bounce  on you? oy!
"
"there are no absolutes. look and see:
in the black, a white dot?granted, wee.
yin and yang loudly ring
through the ages, and sing:
""purely good, purely bad? not for me.""
"
"bitter acrimony sure isn't fun,
and especially when there's a gun.
if you're apt to get hurt,
here's advice, short and curt:
you'd better just beat it and run!
"
"badass bogie, the actor, was class,
both in rags or in tux, took no sass.
and that isn't all?
he had lauren bacall.
what a pair, what an act, what a gas!
"
"my neat shorts and billed cap look quite youthful;
now i'm grown but yet kinda uncouthful?
still boyish, though taller;
a drinker and brawler?
not wiser, and painfully truthful.
"
"mean ole devil will jinx and torment
you with all kinds of troubles. a gent
like him can possess
you and make life a mess.
you'll be cursed, all twisted and spent.
"
"""where the deer and the antelope play""?
well, yes, it's a song, so ok?
but when have you seen
one? in some magazine
or a zoo? where is your range, i pray?
"
"the chemistry's wrong (or the stars)
'twixt us two, and precludes, kind of bars
much agreement between
us, as often we've seen.
our mutual antipathy jars.
"
"a white ambulance courses through streets
whilst its siren scares all that it meets?
that vehicle's wheeling
the ailing to healing
and dealing dis-ease some defeats.
"
"move aside, all you cowards and slackers?
we're igniting our rockets and crackers!
it's the time for loud noise,
lots of beer with my boys?
we are celebrants, whoopers and clackers!
"
"this news agency transmits the views
of what arabs receive in their news.
let's hope that this aids
in quelling the raids
now raging 'tween arabs and jews.
"
"well, okay then?i'm busted, on trial.
prosecution alleges a pile
of my tapes mean i'm caught,
and they tell me i ought
to repent my corrupt and mad style.
"
"this land's now reviled for the killing,
where a field full of skulls is so chilling?
a reminder of madness.
cambodia's sadness
now faces real justice, god willing.
"
"sad american wakes sent the states
lots of irish with hopes that the fates
would help them do well.
all those wakes failed to quell
their great fears in those times of dire straits.
"
"would you please now back off and just stop
your insistence, right now, and just drop
it? i beg you, desist?
or i'll really get pissed!
if you won't, i will summon that cop!
"
"bodhisattvas will strive to attain
higher consciousness. 'gainst human grain,
they develop the ways
to maneuver the maze
of their days, reining in monkey brain.
"
"why is time speeding up more than fast,
too fleet to remember or last?
each year's speed's unabated
(accele-whoosh!-rated),
then we're dead and cast into the past.
"
"when the intellect rules about art,
the result that turns out may be smart,
even striking?but cold.
then the story, when told,
is conceptual art's not got heart.
"
"to sense your own mind can be fun?
to be conscious of how it can run.
apperception's the name
of this interesting game,
except when you look and find none.
"
"here's a caveat, serving as but
when i talk about terms, so that what
to me seemed a done deal
ends up losing appeal
and winds up not making the cut.
"
"different metals united as one,
and used, say, in parts of a gun ?
these alloys are stronger,
corrode less, last longer
than metals in ""pure form"" have done.
"
"they are glorious, clamorous (gong!),
these wellsprings of ringing-out song.
metal music peals loud,
sweet and clear, like a cloud
of struck notes. sing forever, bells! (bong!)
"
"i'm exposed and completely bare-assed;
my shenanigans leave folks aghast.
yes, i'm caught with my pants down;
""so c'mon now and dance, clown!""?
the whole neighborhood's having a blast!
"
"i have baited my hook and i wait?
c'mon, baby, come nibble my bait!
bait's a part of attraction.
with pheromone action,
some cologne may just hook me a date.
"
"to attribute:  that means ""to assign
a named quality"" ? thus to refine
something's clear definition
and assist in cognition
of attributes it may combine.
"
"now what's next?pay for god-given air?
just to pump up my tires? how dare...!
then a charge just for water
makes me get even hotter!
do you have fifty cents you can spare?
"
"not attached to material things,
i eschew stuff?apparel and rings.
you may have my swiss knife
and make off with my wife?
ah, what peace having nothing soon brings!
"
"here's my eighth cup of java today,
while i sit in this starbucks cafe.
espresso's so neat,
cafe latte's a treat?
and caffeine promotes health now, they say.
"
"you're no good, you're a goon and a bashist;
a bane and a pain, you're a trashist.
your ally is fear,
and your creed is so clear:
it is hateful and vicious, you fascist!
"
"i dig cheez doodles! yummy! (crunch, crunch!)
want a few? they're so tasty! (munch, munch!)
oh, i can't eat just one (crunch!) ?
makes munching such fun (crunch!).
hold still (crunch!) ? i'll pour you a bunch.
"
"is bipolar disorder a claim
for those crimes that have now made her name
so well known, brought up often?
parents each in a coffin,
lizzie borden gets all of the blame.
"
"the songs of this folk-hero singer,
a pied piper of sorts, a real zinger,
broadened music and minds
and addressed many kinds
of large issues: bob dylan, humdinger!
"
"atm (what a handy machine!):
eats your plastic and spits out some green.
you feel kinda wealthy,
but then not so healthy
when you find your account's been wiped clean.
"
"needing drink in continuous flow,
we all tote this wherever we go:
bottled water's a must;
in that wet stuff we trust?
then we need to go pee, as you know.
"
"when you carry your crap from the past,
not letting it go, holding fast,
you've got baggage, my friend?
not so good in the end.
put it down. you'll be free, free at last!
"
"when they tried, in their folly, to build
babel tower (sky-scraping distilled),
by the lord it was nixed,
and their languages mixed,
so they wound up bab-babbling-dee-dilled.
"
"labeled quirky, unique and so great,
bj?rk's a singer from iceland. some hate
and can't stand her. so fey,
she's a phenom. oh, say?
what's your take on this odd fashion plate?
"
"i'm now mailing my brag sheet, applying
for jobs?not exactly, um, lying.
i'm hoping that they'll
miss: i worked in a jail.
well, you can't blame an ex-con for trying.
"
"fdr had ideas and great drive,
and he wanted our nation to thrive.
he betrayed his own class,
giving kicks to their ass
and their trust to bring progress alive.
"
"the big head of the fed, ben bernanke,
attempts to prevent hanky-panky.
he tries to control
money's fate (that's his role)
so all's well and all's safe in my bankie!
"
"samuel barber, at age 26,
wrote adagio, one of the bricks
of american mu-
sic which still sounds so new,
now a true great of musical kicks!
"
"you're impressed and just so blown away;
my ability kills you, you say?
heads and shoulders above
all the rest. you so love
what i do, so could you at least pay?
"
"dagwood bumstead and blondie, his wife,
have endured many years without strife.
he's a comical slouch
who loves naps on the couch
and huge sandwiches?man, what a life!
"
"what goes up will come down, that's well known,
and my job in this firm's  firmly blown.
woe is me, my ride's done?
off the tracks is no fun.
i'm derailed. my fall i bemoan.
"
"edward benjamin britten can thrill,
and his england can claim that he will
fill the bill and will last
as a great?won't pass fast.
his bold music's not run-of-the-mill.
"
"your news blows me away, what a gas!
what you've said knocks me down on my ass!
my jaw stands ajar,
my surprise over par?
that's a shock that's real hard to surpass!
"
"ow, that sure wasn't fun, being dumped,
landing hard on my rump, getting bumped
like a wasted old hunk
of some thrown-away junk!
now i'm bummed, feeling sad, grandly grumped.
"
"being affluent?blessing or curse?
can great wealth lead to ruin or worse?
those too filthily rich
often end in a ditch.
it depends how they manage their purse.
"
"with a partner, he brilliantly founded
great google that's really astounded
the whole world of biz
with its savvy and fizz.
brin's huge fortune's now cooly compounded.
"
"let's be honest, we all know the score,
we've all heard that denial before.
you're only ""good friends""?
and you say, ""it depends
what the meaning of is is""? snore, snore?
"
"ordinarily, autos are cool,
though a car bomber's seen as a ghoul.
car bombs kill, a mean trick
that will cause dying quick.
his blind trust makes a bomber a  fool.
"
"in love's forms all so wondrously varied,
it's the highest, most beautiful (married
to heaven above).
it's agape, a love
in which feelings of lust are not carried.
"
"i auditioned, so wanting the part
and so psyched  that  i read from my heart.
things were going so fine?
right up till the last line?
but i blew it by blowing a fart!
"
"fuzz  arrested me (call it ""a rest""),
stopped my heists (so-called  petty-crime fest).
when i ripped off some more,
got re-busted (a bore!).
i've been pegged ""number one repeat pest"".
"
"this tool is so useful cuz it'll
shape pieces of stone, big or little.
keen chisels will pare
sturdy things, but beware?
it's your cash a sharp chiseler will whittle.
"
"""you're belligerent,"" that's what they say.
but it's false, a damn lie.  they betray
their opinion of me
when they do not agree,
so i'll fight for the right to my way.
"
"to the flag, our allegiance we pledge,
though some atheists strongly will hedge.
they'd delete god, the word;
to this faith, they've demurred:
""god and state must be cleaved with a wedge!""
"
"heaven help us! this plethora of pain?
mudslides, earthquakes, tsunami?can drain
all resources. so much?
all  this sadness and such
gives me crisis fatigue. my poor brain!
"
"while assertion is speaking your mind,
to aggress is too hostile, i find.
to be grown up, we need
to assert; but take heed
that aggression leaves all in a bind.
"
"it's a mold that makes blue cheese veins blue.
those who love this cheese aren't a mere few.
it's tasty though smelly,
puts smiles in my belly,
though for others,  it's  toe-jam. pu!
"
"oh, ok?i'll accede and give in.
though i'm loathe to, i'll cave, let you win.
i sure hate seeming weak
and then look like a geek,
but i graciously offer a grin.
"
"todd duncan, ann brown: first to play
the black lovers we know well today.
he sang porgy, she bess.
and those voices? god bless!
in our memories they surely will stay.
"
"once a popular touristy spot,
acapulco's become just ""too hot"".
fear and killings are laid
to the heavy drug trade.
the cruel gangs show no heart, not a jot.
"
"an advisory's a heads-up to take
as a warning of floods or a quake
or some other dire thing
that might woefully bring
hurt or worse. so pay heed, for pete's sake!
"
"we investors?a sad bunch of chumps?
all want profits, but only get lumps.
ceos skim off cream,
which amounts to this scheme:
they're on top, we remain in the dumps.
"
"i'm just bumping along at the bottom.
some losses? i've certainly got 'em!
the economy's poor,
i am sure feeling dour,
and my profits? i tremble to tot 'em!
"
"he did something amazing, and how!
he, paul allen, co-founded what's now
known as microsoft. then
he did something again
really far out by taking a bow.
"
"the aroma of food can be good;
and the scent of some evergreen wood
ranks real high on my scale,
but bad smells really ail.
as for stink?just avoid, if you could.
"
"it's miraculous, truly amazing!
an improbable feat?that of raising
those miners entrapped?
held the world so enrapt.
their great rescue deserves all the praising!
"
"he may not have the rights to a claim
of yet being a known household name,
but james dyson's machine?
greatest cleaner yet seen?
is the cyclone; it brought him great fame.
"
"our relationship's worse for the wear?
as we know it's beyond all repair.
it was great, it was fun.
as of now, it's undone.
so, so long. neither you nor i care.
"
"i'm just out of my mind, blessed by fate,
so delirious, deep in a state
that's too good to be true.
i'm up high in the blue!
leave me be?let my joy not abate!
"
"this discarded used cardboard's my bed,
where at night i can lay down my head.
it's cast off;  there's a lot?
don't need mattress or cot.
it ain't fancy or cool, but 'nuff said.
"
"i will not be demeaned and abused?
my hurt feelings are battered and bruised,
but i still keep my pride
'cause i won't be denied.
being dissed, i feel far from amused.
"
"homophobia's long held its sway
over dudes, but we're changing, i say.
men, in friendship, can merge
with no sexual urge.
let's give bromance its prideful new day!
"
"dear daisy, day's bright and clear eye,
gazes upward all day at the sky.
she then closes at night,
dreams of what happy sight
will await when she wakes, by and by.
"
"like a uniform garb for a party,
the aloha shirt's worn by the hearty
celebrators of glad
times, wherever they're had?
by akira, palani or marty.
"
"""do or die!"" is the cry of a guy
who will fight to the end with a try
to succeed. he may not,
but he'll give all he's got.
joy is his if he wins, or he'll die.
"
"amadeus paired off with this guy
and created (i tell you no lie)
their swell works that now still
play (and ""rock"", if you will).
their great operas live on and won't die.
"
"dvo??k so graciously brings
to my ears and my heart lovely things.
this is all greatly pleasing
with bohemian teasing,
gently coaxing emotions: ""take wings!""
"
"she's adamant, hard-nosed in this.
she's dug in her heels, and her hiss
shows she's serious. i
get the message. oh, why
does my sweetie refuse to french kiss?
"
"a real blowout?you won't want to come?
was a humdinger oil spill, a bum-
mer that's horribly sad.
the impact, way bad,
has now left all the coastal folks glum.
"
"archeologist carter's great find?
king tut's tomb, hardly matched of its kind?
brought into day's light
gilded artifacts bright.
the vast treasure just boggles the mind.
"
"mr. atta (mohamed) was who
led a terrorist plot that was new:
taking down a high-riser
with planes. now we're wiser,
and sadder, but warier too.
"
"bird-brained (insult) says ""little you know"",
yet one crow's brain will make me ""eat crow"".
that most clever of birds,
with no use for our words,
has a really amazing m.o.
"
"the atlantis's erstwhile space shuttlin'
has ended forever. its scuttlin'
was later than planned
as replacements were canned.
it's too late now to get a rebuttal in.
"
"la divina's the term that we fans
of maria employ?one that spans
across nations and time
to describe her?sublime!
but her singing at times received pans.
"
"we're now barely... we're just squeaking by.
our expenses are climbing sky high.
with our work chances slim,
all our prospects look dim.
as we eke out surviving, we cry.
"
"if we only could keep them in line,
all these white collar thieves (oh, those swine!)
who we find cook their books.
now these fine fancy crooks
are accounting for crimes. that's just fine!
"
"abducted, i'm merely a child?
now an lra soldier, reviled.
i was kidnapped at night.
with no choice but to fight,
i'm a killer, a kid now gone wild.
"
"with american soul to its brim,
copland's music sings out with proud vim!
his oeuvre amazes,
deserving all praises.
his ""fanfare"" is almost a hymn.
"
"we're all dying from terrible heat.
this damn weather's got most records beat.
the severe dessication
is now parching our nation?
as dry as an old witch's teat!
"
"ghadaffi's so daffy,  the man's
lost his grip with his goofs and his bans
on the libyans?poor folks!
he's the butt of some jokes
and has seen a big change to mad plans.
"
"the hawaiian style shirt (aka
an aloha shirt), now here to stay,
is the good-time attire
when you want to aspire
to look groovy and surely not gray!
"
"bo's first dog, he's completely jet black,
and, as white house pet live-in, won't lack
loving kisses. his pals
are the pair of first gals,
named malia and sasha?smack, smack!
"
"don't you find drive-through  windows real cool?
from my car, i can order, then drool
for a second, but soon
busy me's found a boon?
my hot meal comes real quick, as a rule.
"
"yeah, dear louie, of gravelly throat?
as a jazz star, he sure gets my vote!
there's his voice and the smile,
then his heart and his style;
now in heaven he sounds his gold note.
"
"to absorb is to soak up or mop,
be it water or something to sop
up, like learning or knowing?
intellectual growing...
be a sponge?keep absorbing, non-stop!
"
"tell us why you're all screwing around.
don't you see this is scary and bound
to cause havoc if you
don't stop dithering? do
you not see your dumb antics astound?
"
"can we think of creation as mere,
sheer, mad culture?a mess of some beer
being brewed in a pe-
tri-like dish in which we
are evolving? that's how come we're here!
"
"is she pushing the limits of eng-
lish, or should we insist and all cling
to the oed's sway
of words' meanings and say
the correct word, right-language-use thing?
"
"those dandelions dotting my lawn
do brighten and lighten each dawn.
their name's based on their leaf.
though their blooms may be brief,
many wish they'd decide to be gone!
"
"what a whiz she is! tina, 'zine doc,
has just marched in and raised the downed stock
price of debt-ridden mags,
hoisting higher their flags.
hey, ms brown, a big fist bump! you rock!
"
"the new house speaker's name is john boehner.
he's proved quite a successful campaigner.
the republican's winning
has them  all widely grinning.
that it's made the dems sad's a no-brainer.
"
"hold on tight: your american dream
may be dimming. at times it may seem
an impossible goal,
wherein gold turns to coal?
but keep truckin'. don't run out of steam!
"
"it's so hot in japan, i'm so glad
i can join the hawaiian shirt fad.
when i doff suit and tie,
comfy-cool, i can sigh;
my aloha shirt makes me look rad!
"
"artful painter of color and light
with his work, debussy's such a bright
shining light in the list
of composers who kissed
all our ears, putting hearts all aflight.
"
"your lame claim that you've scored a big deal
is pure hype, though i see its appeal.
you're so bogus!  it's clear
that your motive's just sheer
phony crap?it's your lying that's real.
"
"kobe bryant's a hoops super-star;
without doubt he has lifted the bar!
kobe heads a great team
that for fans is a dream.
his work pays, more than ours does, by far!
"
"one thousand and one nights is still
read (face reddened) by virginal jill
and young innocent jack,
who get taken aback
by what's written, yet still get a thrill.
"
"cattle rustling is now back in style
and can earn us a mighty big pile.
so, here is my plan:
i am off to sudan.
lend me money. the steaks are worthwhile.
"
"i'm accustomed to various places,
to routines, to some people and faces.
still, maintaining my speed
is a challenge?i need
to work hard to keep up in these races.
"
"the plane that delivered the a-
bomb, enola ""b-29"" gay,
was a partner in crime
for that fateful first time
when so many were killed in that way.
"
"totally blitzed, we're wiped out; nothin's left
of our home and our stuff. the whole weft
and the warp of our life
is gone missin'. mah wife
and the kids ah all right, but bereft.
"
"it's food of the gods, so propitious;
now we're told that it's  also nutritious.
the darker the better,
luscious chocolate's a netter
of raves, food divinely delicious!
"
"drug cartels all so sadly are making
their countries a hell while they're raking
in cash. often caught
in the war that is fought,
many innocent people are quaking.
"
"i so want to look great, just like that,
buy her dresses, her jewels, every hat.
there's a copycat spate
of us girls aping kate?
we're all acting as mad as a bat!
"
"they're just addlepated; that's what they are:
so stupid they sure raised the bar.
this ""fix"" that they started?
they lied and then tarted
it up?has now gone much too far!
"
"it seems armstrong's a name that just begs
to explain why the others seem dregs,
or why he's been sure
of acing the tour?
shall we mention swift lance's strong legs?
"
"jazz pianist, so famous and fine,
he's truly a favorite of mine.
why only ""take five""?
i'll take all of his jive!
dave brubeck: as rich as fine wine.
"
"you're attending a college that's out
for some profit? it seems there's some doubt:
you may not for your pain
get a job, even gain
a degree to be framed or to tout.
"
"disagreement was rife far and wide,
with snarled comments so angry and snide.
like mad words in some tiffs
that express serious diffs,
a ""slow drip"" thus became a flood tide.
"
"there were john, paul, george, ringo?the fab
four, the beatles, who came like a jab
to the '60s (yeah!), socking
the world with their rocking
smash songs, giving music a stab!
"
"grassroots lobbying's done with some fair,
broad-based goal that most groups would then share.
but the astroturf kind,
not benign, many find,
is a spurious sham and a snare.
"
"the chinese revolution, game changer,
brought in mao and the communist danger.
when russia aligned
with china, that kind
of a deal then made danger no stranger.
"
"he hangs out?not a stitch on?buck nude
in broad daylight! this triggers some lewd
unchaste thoughts 'bout his sculpted
endowment. some gulp-ted
admirers may hide notions rude.
"
"though word processing's now what i pick,
i will still need to pick up a bic
ball point pen when i jot
down a thought, and it's not
very likely i'll quit scribbling quick.
"
"rory really has pulled out a plum,
such a true comeback kid! it was dumb
when he first blew the masters
with driving disasters,
but he then won the open?no bum!
"
"irene's winds caused great damage and pain.
as severe was the deluge of rain
that then ran down the hills,
leaving folks with big bills
due to flooding that sorely raised cain!
"
"the ak-47s appear
in most wars being waged, it is clear.
cheap and easy to use,
they're the guns many choose
when they instigate terror and fear.
"
"disney's movies, so often now dissed,
are the stuff of kids' dreams, but dismissed
by some folks who've grown old
(secret fans, if all's told?).
still, dear walt leads my cineasts list.
"
"alas, woe is me, and oy vey;
then ai yah, and hawaiian auwe;
there's also egad.
when events go from bad
then to worse, these are words folks might say.
"
"ah, to bask in the sun on an isle
or in fame's brilliant glare?g'wan, smile;
any more you can't ask!
(m. ravel, also basque,
is a maestro of musical style.)
"
"as if killing's not dreadful enough,
these beheadings are way beyond rough?
they're so mean. drug-lords' creeds
are inspiring mad deeds
such as chopping off  heads?nasty stuff!
"
"i, terpsichore, dizzy with mad
gay cavorting in step with the glad
sounds and beat?jazzed, i dance
and ecstatically prance
in the grandest of romps ever had!
"
"this damn dark spell's the pits, barring none.
and the flood's beyond tragic?no fun!
all our stuff's under water;
we need a huge blotter!
hey, mate?can you please cue the sun?
"
"the french national anthem was set
by this gallic musician. let's get
our brave tricolor out,
with a shout-out to tout
monsieur berlioz, praised by us yet!
"
"debby boone sings this song that's so great,
it continues to zing to this date.
""you light up my life""
is so beautiful, rife
with a feeling that's hard to relate.
"
"all your sexting is creeping me out;
i'm just shocked what you're texting about!
what you send is a crime
that turns text into slime?
oh, jeeze, you're a sleeze, without doubt!
"
"the largesse of our famed well-to-do
(warren buffett, ted turner, and crew)
is just part of our charity,
which isn't a rarity,
but a mark of the red, white, and blue.
"
"arab spring stirred up folks, got them wild.
many african people felt riled.
for too long being wronged,
into streets masses thronged,
bringing ends to their leaders reviled.
"
"i protest, i fast and i clean
up the coastline, and from these i glean
a professional tag:
""activism's my bag.""
(and in case you can't guess, i left lean.)
"
"an artichoke is a big thistle;
its thorns would no doubt make some bristle.
when one bites off the leaves
'less they're trimmed, one receives
a nasty scratch right in one's whistle.
"
"at arising on time i'm inept;
at sleeping quite late i'm adept.
when i look at the clock,
it's always a shock.
it's late! i've again overslept.
"
"first, make sure your champagne's been on ice.
next you grab the agraffe and twist twice.
once you give it a torque,
it'll free up the cork,
which when popped yields a drink... paradise!
"
"the assurance of those with aplomb
is a wonder to see ? they're so calm!
they never seem fussy,
not even when mussy,
nor vengeful like carrie at prom.
"
"the washer was broken one day;
the clothes agitated away.
the water kept churning
whilst i was discerning
the whopping repair bill i'd pay.
"
"a beau without ardor's a cheat,
don't matter he's otherwise sweet.
show feeling he must,
or his suit will go bust
and romance crash and burn in defeat.
"
"if traveling makes you a wreck
avoid an antipodal trek
to the opposite end
of the earth ? and why wend
your way there when you'd rather rent shrek?
"
"albizzias are flowering trees
whose feathered leaves sway in the breeze.
they're best known as mimosa;
feel free to come closa
'less allergies cause you to sneeze.
"
"amnesiac characters star
in movies whose plots often are
about solving a crime
when one's memory's not prime
while avoiding a booby-trapped car.
"
"use a dab to avoid much chagrin,
when germs are attacking your skin.
antiseptic is used
when you're scraped and you're bruised
so infections stop 'fore they dig in.
"
"acapulco: we're there by the bay
sunning topless, when to our dismay
some dude in a thong
takes our picture (so wrong!),
then he says, ""i take visa, okay?""
"
"amblingly, amber approached,
tray aloft as she'd often been coached.
this gait, as a rule,
boosted tips and looked cool,
but she tripped, bringing scrambled, not poached.
"
"she might use her atlas to find
a town with which memory's entwined.
on that '84 trip
with her first love (that drip!)
she learned love, unlike maps, can be blind.
"
"his roommates? about to combust;
his attitude triggers disgust.
when he said that the world
spins around him, they hurled.
attitud'nally, he'd better adjust.
"
"to allah do muslims oft pray;
in fact, they do five times a day
while facing the east
(or toward mecca, at least).
[thus a reverent poem i essay.]
"
"bad drivers assigned to a pool
as assigned risks will find out just who'll
insure them for more
than they coughed up before
since, alas, they crashed into a school.
"
"there's an issue on which few are mum:
abortion (the thought makes me glum).
there are those who'd suspend it
while others contend it
is private, an option for some.
"
"the water first needs its own blessing
(not catholic, i'm partially guessing).
once the water's made holy,
priests sprinkle it slowly?
asperges, the service progressing.
"
"rare rhinos, one-horned, still are seen
in an indian state lush and green.
assam's also  well known
for fine tea garden-grown;
just one cup and you'll feel more serene.
"
"an affair always starts with the thrill
of passion and lust and goodwill.
but in time, when lust fades
(in a month or decades),
it can end in a real arctic chill.
"
"the nature of beauty and taste
is worth study, but please, not in haste.
first ponder aesthetics,
then brush on cosmetics
with skill, so you won't be defaced.
"
"an alligatored surface has cracks,
just like the beasts' leathery backs.
would the word apply, too,
if one bit off your shoe?
who knows? but you'd rue the attacks.
"
"ambrosia, the food of the gods!
but what do you think are the odds
that a coconut dish
with fruit, though delish,
would immortalize average-joe clods?
"
"my threshold of pain don't exploit;
when you measure mine, please be adroit.
as it presses on skin,
that algometer kin
tell exactly how much i will hoit.
"
"""there's only one cure,"" said the doc.
""you don't need 'em, they're just so much schlock.
have an adenoidectomy.""
""those glands don't mean heck to me,""
i agreed, ""but the cost is a shock.""
"
"biological weapons we hate
include anthrax, once woolsorters' fate.
its lesions unnerving,
pos are observing
precautions with each powdery crate.
"
"a letter named aitch did 'ide out
to prove wen it isn't about
dat its lack spells da knell
of bot' 'eaven and 'ell
and ruins t'ings for da devout.
"
"since apnea speeds one's demise,
keep breathing  while sleeping; it's wise.
should one be supposing
one's snoring is closing
one's airway, get checked 'fore one dies.
"
"it's the young college grads' first abode,
where they pay monthly rent that is owed.
whether crib, flat, or pad,
an apartment ain't bad
'long as roomies don't hog the commode.
"
"my back, out of whack in the spine,
chiropractors once tried to align.
they kneaded and pushed,
i groaned and they shushed
'til at last i yelled, ""stop! you're malign!""
"
"a tough guy, a dipso named dipsy,
chugged  alcohol 'til he was tipsy.
he awoke in detox
craving hootch on the rocks,
but the guard said, ""you've had your last nip, see?""
"
"her assets she  manages  well.
her portfolio casts quite a spell.
her stocks always rise
and so,  in his eyes,
she could cause his investments to swell.
"
"""i choose flour,"" said the chef, highfalutin,
""to bake babka for president putin.
if i only had my
aleurometer i
could pick one that has nyet too much gluten.""
"
"a botanist from the mojave
grew yucca and scads of agave.
his need was quite urgent
for white-wine detergent
produced from amole and soave.
"
"altitudinous places are fine
but this beach-fronted mansion's divine.
its loftiness lies
in my mortgage's size
and stuck-uppity neighbors of mine.
"
"applying for college is tough:
sats and aps and that stuff,
and deadlines galore
'fore you get through the door.
and grades must stay high, so don't slough.
"
"arabica beans are the best;
a coffee variety blessed
with a rich, deep dark taste.
caffeine addicts are braced
and drink it as if they're obsessed.
"
"a french guy just asked me today,
""an affaire, how about it, what say?""
i told him, ""fuggeddit!
that line's a discredit,
and i hear you're a terrible lay.""
"
"the automats went out of fashion ?
too bad! when you put all your cash in,
a window sprang open.
eyes wide, you were hopin'
your nickels fulfilled your pie passion.
"
"asian, you'll surely agree,
is a more concrete way to id
certain folks than the old
oriental; i'm sold
on its worth (plus it's way more pc).
"
"he's actually thin; he's disguised?
over there by the suits, big men's sized.
let's move in?he won't charge.
he's too long been at large.
when we nab him, will he be surprised!
"
"""anecdotally,"" doctor ken said,
""there are herbs that just might stem the spread
of that pain, but what's best
is a double-blind test
to prove that they work, 'fore you're dead.""
"
"beware, girls: your lashes aflutter
lead from flirting straight into the gutter.
he'll think that you're easy,
your morals are sleazy,
unless ""it's an eye tic,"" you mutter.
"
"adrift in the waves on the beach
was a beachball  i couldn't quite reach.
each time that i tried,
a wave swept me aside
and my toddler let out a sharp screech.
"
"antioxidant foods on my plate
i devour, to try to abate
all signs of my age
by which people could gauge
that i'm eighty (but look sixty-eight).
"
"in my garden a lady resides;
she's naked and fragrant besides.
her looks always thrill us;
she's called amaryllis
belladonna, a bulb which divides.
"
"affirmatively, some schools let in
those excluded because of their skin
to make up for the past,
while some others, aghast,
have declared ""reverse quotas"" a sin.
"
"with bad zits, it won't help to complain,
but this acne?oy vey, what a pain!
the prom is next week;
guess i'll go with some geek.
but  dance cheek-to-cheek? i'll abstain.
"
"an acquired taste first seems quite foul,
like liver to some; makes 'em scowl.
but once they discover
they've turned liver lover,
one whiff and their tummies will growl.
"
"this waiver i signed proves i know
the aforementioned risks that could blow
my adventure to hell,
but this trip sounds so swell!
on second thought . . . better not go.
"
"not ever before and not since
have i done such a thing; made me wince.
i kissed him, closed eyes.
then i opened, surprise:
he's amphibian still, not a prince.
"
"most apocryphal tales aren't true,
like some emails friends forward to you.
full of warnings most dire,
they just rouse your ire?
urban legends, recycled, not new.
"
"acquaintanceship gives you no right
to demand i consider your plight.
we are not really friends
and your problem transcends
my concern, which is really quite slight.
"
"a baltimore poet named poe
once raved about ravens, you know?
so a baltimore team
took their name in esteem.
as an homage, it seemed apropos.
"
"anorexia patients don't eat?
well, just barely, but really they cheat?
calling one grape a lunch,
and their friends have a hunch
that they mostly eschew all their meat.
"
"on anguilla i loaf in the sun;
might snorkel or go for a run.
or not?what's the rush?
'sides, this beachhouse is plush
and this pineapple daiquiri? fun!
"
"an asthmatic who lived up the stairs
grew short of breath carrying chairs.
his inhaler not seen,
he turned red, then blue-green.
now he buys his inhalers in pairs.
"
"an army brat  once said to me,
""yeah, we moved a lot; dad would agree.
i loved sixth grade in maine?
even seventh in spain?
but it's hard to keep friends you don't see.""
"
"a transgendered pal had to piddle,
but where to go? that was the riddle.
twixt doors ""gents"" and ""dames""
s/he picked neither; the names
didn't fit, so s/he aimed in the middle.
"
"in a practice or office or school,
assistants help out, as a rule,
while associates claim
higher status by name
and consider rote chores quite uncool.
"
"a deity, human in form
like vishnu (most often the norm);
an embodiment of
a concept, like love?
an avatar?  you're getting warm.
"
"when newton once sat in the sun,
an apple fell: law number one.
had it been avocado,
he'd have shown less bravado
and made guacamole for fun.
"
"stack all of the cars in the nation
on high at a single location.
when we measure, oblique,
from horizon to peak,
that's an angle of huge elevation!
"
"he says that my charms are enduring
and even my warts are alluring.
he says love will stay
and bad breath go away.
every troll needs a mate so assuring!
"
"it's for those who lack all gardening skill.
it cares not if it's warm or it's chill.
it'll grow in full shade
in a house or a glade.
aspidistra?the plant you can't kill.
"
"my vinyl is so antiquated!
my eight-tracks? they're awfully dated.
my cassettes don't work well
though my cds sound swell,
at least 'til the next thing's created.
"
"a ninety-pound weakling once said,
""you bully!  kick sand and you're dead!""
but until he built muscles
to win future tussles,
charles atlas's threats caused no dread.
"
"apoplexy sure feels like you'll burst ?
blow a gasket, or what is the worst:
have a genuine stroke
which, my friends, ain't no joke
(though with rehab, effects might reverse).
"
"antiochus thought he was hot,
making jews worship his gods a lot.
but they fought him and won,
cleaned the temple; when done,
eight days' oil from one day's they got.
"
"with my lottery ticket in hand,
i'm too anxious to sit; i must stand.
we could sure use the bucks
('cause our bank account sucks)?
now if only we win that ten grand!
"
"aquarelle's watercolor to you,
a drawing, transparent in hue.
a wash for the sky
doesn't take long to dry,
but i'm adding a touch more dark blue.
"
"all asteroids circle the sun;
i hoped for a chunk but got none.
when they crash to the earth,
no matter their girth,
they're meteorites?rocks on the run.
"
"the boy who cried wolf is a type
of alarmist who often will hype
fairly slight threats as great,
leaving towns so irate
that they shrug off real warnings as tripe.
"
"histrionically blessed is the dame   					
who achieves some small measure of fame
through actressy parts
where she shows off her arts
and thus wins herself critics' acclaim.
"
"right after the perp chose to flee,
stations broadcast the cops' apb,
'cause the car the crook stole
(though it wasn't his goal)
held a baby who napped through his spree.
"
"one neighbor's yard filled with debris;
the other's dog barked until three.
nearly coming to blows,
they instead wisely chose
adr?mediation?for free.
"
"the clerk asked, ""just grass seed? you're sure?""
i nodded, ""my lawn must endure.""
but before i got far,
i ran back from my car:
""as an afterthought, give me manure.""
"
"his pommel horse moves were sublime;
his still rings were just about prime.
he built up his status
on each apparatus
till parallel bars: not this time.
"
"i'm uncertain just what i should do.
i might come, or might go, or just rue
my whole life up to now ?
i could change it, but how?
are you this ambivalent, too?
"
"the poet she loves is asthenic;
no olympian he (though hellenic).
alas, his physique
is too terribly weak
to quench her desires erogenic.
"
"a scrapbook aficionado
took a trip once to spain, to el prado.
his hobby obsessed him;
the goyas impressed him.
he clipped one and turned desperado.
"
"if cole porter, instead of ""the top,""
had exalted ""the apex"" to swap
for the phrase he enshrined
in the popular mind,
anything goes would've been a big flop.
"
"as he stated, ""this won't hurt at all,
since the needles are really quite small,""
my acupuncturist aimed
and?surprise!?as he claimed,
it was truly a painless install.
"
"her asinine date, as a joke,
locked her out when she went for a smoke.
when she couldn't get in,
she let loose such a din
that he called 911, the dumb bloke.
"
"""anatomy studies our forms
to assess all our structural norms,""
said the prof. ""bods predict
how our destiny's picked:
girls, you're 'hots';  guys, you're barely 'lukewarms.'""
"
"""anonymous,"" prolific in rhyme,
was deprived of a credit each time.
a donor as well,
she admired nobel
but left namings to sol guggenheim.
"
"though they tend to stay right where they are,
armchair travelers want to go far.
filled with wanderlust dreams,
they warm seats and plan schemes
to save money for plane, room, and car.
"
"an adventurous gal, name of ruth,
conquered mountains, took lovers, turned sleuth.
all the wild things she'd done
well before twenty-one
had scandalized half of duluth.
"
"an anonymous donor of note
lived modestly on a small boat,
giving millions to those
to whom he'd disclose
nothing more than a pithy old quote.
"
"""your authorized bio's a mess,""
the editor said in  distress.
""the public wants scandal;
now, that we can handle?
please think up more sin to confess.""
"
"this waiver i'll sign proves i knew
what aforementioned risks might just do:
i might drown, or could die
falling out of the sky.
and because i'm aware, heirs can't sue.
"
"his shoulders are weary from carrying
a burden that's large and unvarying.
great atlas the titan,
the heavens might lighten
a bit, while pleione you're marrying.
"
"arthur murray's can teach you to dance
if it's romance you want to enhance.
you can samba and swing,
but it don't mean a thing
if you ain't got a suave ballroom stance.
"
"a toddlers' treat, oh so delicious?
for any age, really nutritious.
beloved on latkes,
though not on a yacht cuz
barfed applesauce really looks vicious.
"
"an abbot inhabits an abbey;
he's the boss of the place?not too shabby.
he goes by one name,
and his monks would proclaim
he's devoted, devout, and not gabby.
"
"adult movies attempt to arouse
the . . . ah . . . interest of viewers who browse
movie titles quite racy,
with babes dressed all lacy
who moan lots of yeses and nows.
"
"in a foxhole, some say, there are none.
""wrong,"" say atheists, faced with a gun.
""we worship no god,
and find it quite odd
that each side claims 'he' helped when they won.""
"
"while snacking on chips outside guffey,
i ate too much salt and got puffy.
my face looked a mess,
and i have to confess,
these aldosterone spikes leave me huffy.
"
"though flat and quite lacking in trees,
aruba's charms usually  please.
its seas of blue-green
are so warm and serene,
and its tradewinds assure a nice breeze.
"
"those chicago rat-tat-a-tat type-
writers didn't mince words, and a wipe-
out by lucky or bugs
of so many more thugs
gave grave meaning to settling a gripe.
"
"kids afflicted at birth can be borne
by those parents who aren't fazed or torn
by their fate. it's hard work
these good people don't shirk
and don't see that their lives are forlorn.
"
"he wrote music america took
to its heart that we find in a nook
of our mem'ries. his many
now famous songs, penny
bright, sound still quite good in my book!
"
"""folks workin' their asses off see
one-percenters are guys who can be
wieldin' clout. bein' rich,
they use money with which
they are rulin' the world, you, and me.""
"
"there's a fight on deciding the debt
ceiling (raise it or not?). it's a bet,
so i hope that we'll see
our way clear and that we
won't default. until then, we'll all sweat.
"
"when you dig way down deep, you may find
many layers beneath a soft rind.
what's that gross, wriggly mess?
ugly lies you profess?
base canards are what come to my mind.
"
"this basketball star was a sayer
of very tall tales as a layer
of ladies in bed?
twenty thousand, he said.
wilt chamberlain?man, what a player!
"
"delicious describes many things
overwhelmingly pleasant. it brings
joys from lessons well taught,
feelings senses have wrought,
and sensations from which delight springs!
"
"it's a casing the worm's made for when
it's preparing to slumber and then,
fully formed, our friend wakes,
struggling free as it breaks
its cocoon or its chrysalis den.
"
"that beyonc?, so foxy and fine?
as a lady, she's top of the line
and on top of the charts,
winning countless fans' hearts.
in my dreams, she's completely all mine.
"
"in pittsburgh i dated a steeler?
though appealing, a real wheeler-dealer.
he sometimes was sued
for acting quite lewd,
but he always got off, the appealer.
"
"a dog on the beach in the dark
started yelping, an earsplitting bark.
a bivalve, it seems,
had gone to extremes?
slamming shut on his nose:  pup v. ark.
"
"in love, she yearns so to attach
to a charmer she thinks is a catch.
stuck to him she would be
but attachment's not free;
he's a con man and not a good match.
"
"an armature furnishes shape,
and upon it a sculptor will drape
maybe wax, maybe clay,
in adroit overlay
till his art leaves its viewers agape.
"
"once in bed, he just couldn't resist
acrobatic positions.  he kissed
everywhere he could reach her,
till at last she cried, ""seat your
self down and try my kind of twist.""
"
"most fears we should  try to allay.
where to lay them, i really can't say.
if you put them to bed,
they might breed  'neath the spread?
a dilemma i'll just have to weigh.
"
"an angel once visited hell
to toast marshmallows, charring them well.
when satan asked why,
there came the reply,
""'cause i missed s'mores' great campfire smell.""
"
"a scots word for a is an ae;
it means one.  when said twice, it's ae ae.
it's a plant bearing fruits?
rare bananas, real beauts.
they're hawaiian; i'll grow 'em someday.
"
"at the bar she purred, ""you're so attractive.
i hope you don't mind;  i'm proactive.""
""not at all,"" he replied.
""as for kids, i'll confide
that my sperm are all radioactive.""
"
"in election years some fail to vote,
bored by hopefuls unworthy of note.
but not voting at all,
they have no right to squall
and even less reason to gloat.
"
"air plants, epiphytic, will grow
without soil, with ground far below.
aerophytes in the trees
will take root where they please;
tillandsia's one you might know.
"
"glancing out of my highrise one day,
while planning our monthly soir?e,
i spied eggs in an aerie.
hmmm . . .  hawk, not canary:
just might make an airy souffl?.
"
"well, the rhyme this one has is the pits,
and its flow? it sure doesn't; it sits.
it defines not a word,
and lacks laughs, so i've heard,
but its an's the work of great wits.
"
"argentina! let's fly down from tampa,
then rent us a spiffy new campa.
once there, we'll eat beef,
but our visit's too brief
to see gauchos ride more than one pampa.
"
"adult entertainment we know
as porn, which makes moralists grow
so exceedingly peeved
that they'd like it all heaved
(but they'll check first to see which parts show).
"
"azusa's a town in la
about which its boosters will say,
""its name means you'll find
whate'er you're inclined
to buy in the us of a.""
"
"adventure's no function of sex,
but in language, such issues can vex:
an adventurous guy
will sound daring and spry,
while adventuress sounds like a hex.
"
"peruvian lilies ain't funny;
they're posies, oft bought for one's honey.
alstroemeria blooms
can brighten up rooms
but not wallets; they cost too much money.
"
"my darling (the one this concerns),
as ever, my heart aches and yearns
and my migraine's come on,
ever since you've been gone
to the big house (hard time, no returns).
"
"he convinced her the trip was romantic:
a cruise 'cross the great north atlantic.
but right after they cruised,
he was quite disabused
of that thought, thanks to rainstorms gigantic.
"
"i actively follow a course
of activity since my divorce.
i jog and i spin
and i keep my hand in
the translations of tales from old norse.
"
"my parents, adoptive, are great:
they made sure i was loved, wasn't late
for my school, learned good rules.
i'm so proud; they're both jewels.
so who cares that my moms aren't straight?
"
"such abbreviated swimwear is not
what i'd wear, were i you. it's a jot
too small there, and too tight,
and in fact, just not right
since what's showing is mostly your pot.
"
"all the way is how far he will go
driving route 66 from mo.
but when said girl-to-boy,
he'll get both kicks and joy,
expecting  the gift she'll bestow.
"
"the oedilf often gets an addition
from writers who share chris's mission.
they add poems online,
tell their friends, ""look at mine!
doncha think i got great erudition?""
"
"my allowance is not quite enough
to buy all the various stuff
that i want and i need!
(don't accuse me of greed?
underfinancing, dad, is real tough.)
"
"algae allergy makes my face mottle.
my algologist date i will throttle:
our picnic was fine
till he said we must dine
on six seaweed pills, straight from the  bottle.
"
"""i vant to be alone,"" garbo said,
except with her lovers in bed.
no husbands had she,
and of children stayed free.
loved or not, she remained quite unwed.
"
"at the dental school i was  attending,
the work's not so bad, course depending.
but an accident struck,
and i flunked (such is luck),
accidentally dental school ending.
"
"when she went to his loft atelier,
'twas a portrait she craved, not a lay.
but when ""strip and i'll paint you
and then i'll acquaint you
with bliss,"" he said, she said, "". . .okay.""
"
"the saudi crown prince said to me,
""you can't vote?you're an infidel, see?
besides, you're no man.
as abdullah, i can
and will dictate which arabs are free.""
"
"for bastards, succession is tough;
expect backstabbings, battles, and stuff.
other heirs surely hate you;
to keep the estate, you
should kill them and hope that's enough.
"
"we've been paying this loan off for years,
but forgot a big lump sum appears.
our balloon payment  lurks,
a last payment the clerks
will collect so we're not in arrears.
"
"in the ballroom, the top of her gown
came undone when he spun her aroun'.
yet those pros fred-and-gingered,
heads high. now pride's injured;
her top's the hot topic in town.
"
"i yelled at my doc, ""you're a villain!
why'd you ever prescribe amoxycillin?
i broke out in a rash
so i'm trashing my stash,
but too late for my prom date with dylan.""
"
"if aladdin's lamp gave you three wishes,
would your choices be shrewd and judicious?
would you ask for great wealth
or perhaps improved health,
or for something completely capricious?
"
"the baby boom: count me as one
of those postwar kids eager to shun
parents' capitalist tools
and authority's rules,
until growing up ended our fun.
"
"her sergeant said, ""take these red hoods?
you can catch that old wolf; get the goods!
you'll be fine undercover;
just don't let him discover
you're a cop, not some babe in the woods.""
"
"on the stage, when you throw a cream pie,
you should aim for her cheek, not her eye.
or instead, choose some bread
when you target her head,
since a wheat loaf cannot land awry.
"
"acrylamide's found in french fried
potatoes; so much, the rats died.
i'll flee fries and skip chips
since the latest health tips
say to cancer they're both surely tied.
"
"the ambiance found in that scene
of deception was creepy and mean.
the music was, too?
an enveloping brew
of menace and terror quite keen.
"
"amma's a name that means mom,
a woman whose kisses are balm.
if you're sick, she'll make soup;
in your drawers she might snoop,
but she'll lend you her car without qualm.
"
"as a handicraft, basketry's old.
woven rushes and reeds used to hold
the produce and grains
of the rich fruited plains?
even babies like moses, we're told.
"
"a ballock or gonad or nut
or testicle is nothing but
the part of a guy
that ought to supply
all his sperm; more than two'd be a glut.
"
"""since at purim,"" said ann, ""i play esther,
and my monogram's a, i'll be hester.
i'll give it a shot
(wearing scarlet, i'm hot)
as adulteress on stage next semester.""
"
"i want more of this shrub, it enchants;
i'll air layer this one of my aunt's.
a propagation technique,
it tempts gardeners to peek
as the new roots start making more plants.
"
"to my doc, i said, ""help me to lose
all these spots; acne gives me the blues.""
he replied, ""this works fine?
least, it worked well on mine?
azelaic's the acid i use.""
"
"the acer's an autumn delight;
tourists gasp at the beautiful sight.
some maples yield syrup,
while others just cheer up
those fighting against urban blight.
"
"the allium genus is handy;
some chefs might prefer it to candy.
there's leeks and there's chive,
there's garlic,  and i've
got a yen for some onions in brandy.
"
"the new mexican desert austere
charmed o'keeffe with its sky vast and clear.
she'd study a bloom
in her abiquiu room
and paint it superbly, sans peer.
"
"as soon as it's possible, send
that contract to fred to amend
his agreement with mark,
who is waiting (that shark!)
to extend him more credit to spend.
"
"a poor miner brought ore he possessed
to assayers who said, ""we suggest
that we acid test  that;
in a few seconds flat,
if it is gold you'll know you've been blessed.""
"
"abscisic's the acid plants use
to tell them it's time for their snooze.
or, if they're under stress
or deciduous dress,
it decides just which leaves they should lose.
"
"comprehension of gesture has gaps?
lack of empathy causing some flaps?
keeping rigid routines;
don't get jokes, lack the means?
you have asperger's syndrome, perhaps.
"
"acroscopic means facing up towards
the apex where?oh!?i see hordes
of aphids descending.
bug spraying's now pending;
can't let those bugs munch on my gourds.
"
"""my buttons,"" the countess said, ""ought
to be pearl, or else i'll be distraught.""
but the count, lacking cash,				
told her, ""you'll make a splash	
in abalone?they're just as well wrought.""
"
"it's true that these prague streets are wrecked,
but they're far from the worst roads we've czeched.
if we repave the streets,
our quick action defeats
other avenue avenues spec'd.
"
"my aggies might trade for a lot.
my favorite's black, and it's got
some cool whitish swirls,
but now i like girls
more than marbles (she's twelve and she's hot)!
"
"an absentee landlord's not there;
an absentee vote comes by air.
those students who cut
their classes learn what
absenteeism is?quite unfair.
"
"no hero, my dog's apt to squeal.
his training? it just missed ideal,
for in canine uniqueness,
he does have one weakness:
obeying, ""achilles, now heel!""
"
"""this performance, you're barred for your slip,""
said the dance mistress. ""here is a tip:
do not skip this last chance
to perfect the next dance?
hit the barre; quit the club where you strip.""
"
"backstage musical films are well loved.
in them, ingenues often are shoved
onto stage when the star
can't go on: girl goes far,
gets the fame, gets the guy, hand-in-gloved.
"
"that poor girl! if acceptance she seeks,
she shouldn't break into old cliques.
to preserve their mystique,
these ""friends"" trash-talk the weak,
thinking power with backbiting peaks.
"
"badwater's a point far below
sea level, a place most won't go.
the hottest and baddest,
its runners the maddest:
don't race it if you're not a pro.
"
"an aspect's the way something's seen,
a vantage point, or someone's mien.
it's a look on a face
or a view that might grace
a postcard of hills lush and green.
"
"i feared scars might leave my face grooved
when my basal cell cancer's removed.
a quack said, ""try pesto
to cure it."" i guessed, though,
no basil for basal's approved.
"
"a  basque shepherd would bask in the sun
when his tasks with his sheep were all done.
he would lead them to graze,
and then he would raise
his flask and have lunch on the run.
"
"to hype slipshod goods to excess,
some ballyhoo just might impress
those who don't pay attention
or lack comprehension
that our products are really a mess.
"
"apologies aren't heard enough.
when in error, some folks try to slough
off the use of a phrase
that's endangered these days:
""i'm sorry."" why is that so tough?
"
"appropriate movies? methinks
r-rateds get passed with some winks.
kids below seventeen
are especially keen
to sneak into some flicks full of kinks.
"
"i thought it might be kind of fun
to write limericks that feature a pun.
but chris doyle i'm not,
and a comment i got
was start over?go back to square one.
"
"this balustrade helps to forestall
catastrophes here at the mall.
each railing and post
protects those who'd be toast.
they could jump, but they're not apt to fall.
"
"our bartending buddy anoints
both his knees with a cold one, then points
to his budding arthritis
and bids to incite us
to quaff and get stiff in his joints.
"
"with 2 bdrms, lg ba & bay vu,
this swm's feeling blu.
his girlfriend just left,
rent unpaid; he's bereft
and he's anxious 2 sublet 2 u.
"
"their romantic encounter: sublime,
but her partner turns out to be slime,
for he tells all his friends
that he banged her, which ends
their once budding affair?what a crime!
"
"i am stressed, popping pills; on a tear.
he approaches and asks, ""can i  share
this nice booth?"" but i yell,
""just back off! go to hell!""
which he does, with a judgmental stare.
"
"i brought my don juan home bare-root;
he was naked and thin?what a hoot!
given months in the ground,
he in time came around
and then burst into bloom. wow, he's cute!
"
"my contractor's subs use bad crews,
shoddy workers i'd never once choose.
i'm so mad i could scream
at their wiring scheme?
electricians who just blew my fuse.
"
"the dentist said, ""oak, here's your plight:
i believe that your skin doctor's right.
you'll need braces, but wait
till those beetles abate,
since your bark is much worse than your bite.""
"
"the blowup we had was a beaut;
she was mad (how'd i once think her cute?).
""if you can't be sincere,
i'll just blow out of here,
and don't argue?your points are all moot.""
"
"some actors will waive their big fees,
taking back-end deals; no guarantees.
if they have a big hit,
then the profit they'll split,
both from box office and dvds.
"
"baker island? well, ports there are none;
it's quite small and just bakes in the sun.
the u.s. defends it
and guano still lends it
an ambiance tourists would shun.
"
"with thrillers of cops catching crooks,
this  commuter spurns road-rageous looks.
he now ""reads"" while he's driving,
bad traffic surviving,
by listening to audio books.
"
"she's arriving in just a short while,
so we've  furnished the nursery in style.
her bassinet's ready,
with bumpers and teddy,
and diapers are stacked in a pile.
"
"i'm so mad i could just go ballistic;
got the bill from this quack (he's holistic).
all his herbs and his pills
didn't help?call that skills?
(but at least it's not cancer, it's cystic.)
"
"though it's not a real balcony, it's
a railing a house often fits
in front of a window.
not fake, it's akin, though:
a balconet just adds some glitz.
"
"lest you think that it's just posts and railing,
a bannister stops you from flailing.
climbing stairs, you hold on,
although some kids are drawn
to slide down one for thrills quite unfailing.
"
"our banquette at the diner held four,
though we laughed as a fifth cried, ""one more!""
in he squeezed, kicked my shin:
""i'm as hungry as sin?
when this banquet starts, i'll eat a boar!""
"
"the intentions of voters met hampering
when a candidate got extra pampering.
rivals' votes were discarded
by pols so hardhearted,
they resorted to ballot box tampering.
"
"a tanker was passing bahrain
when it leaked a bit, causing a stain.
""in the gulf, such a mess,""
said the king in distress.
""petrochemicals can be a pain.""
"
"my great-grandpa, a hundred and three,
lives actively; won't watch tv,
started tennis and crew
at a hundred and two,
and credits his brand-new fake knee.
"
"yuck, it's achor, these scales on my head?
they're erupting?disgusting! in dread,
since its name's obsolete,
i fear ointments won't beat
this gross scald head, nor stymie its spread.
"
"privileged a-list celebs nod and smile,
strutting down the red carpet. meanwhile,
the b-list crowd works
for less swag, fewer perks;
at awards shows they're not on the aisle.
"
"avernus: the entrance to hell
as described by the poet, who'd tell
of the birds that flew by
dropping dead from the sky,
so foul did this lake's vapors smell.
"
"an actor, tom cruise, made the news
scolding women with bad baby blues,
""i'm really emphatic?
it's psychosomatic.
i'm 'clear' and thus sure of my views.""
"
"they're enamored, but what does she call him?
(distinctions like this just appall him.)
is he boyfriend or lover
or beau? undercover,
they hide so her husband won't maul him.
"
"sure, the teacher you dated was hot.
no, she wasn't impressed by your yacht.
but you really went wrong
singing ""ain't"" in that song,
and then writing you loved her ""alot.""
"
"she thinks afterwards is the best time
(when some durings are rushed, though sublime).
befores can be tense,
but her lovers have sense
to embrace afterwards to re-prime.
"
"this paneling?brown knotty pine?
was too rustic for taste such as mine.
but the base coat we painted
primed knots that once tainted
the den, and it now looks divine.
"
"""a party? i'll come as i am,""
said astarte, a type of a clam.
""i'll come out of my shell?
guest of honor? how swell!
but a clambake? poseidon, oh damn!""
"
"though beethoven heard not a note,
others loved all the music he wrote.
but his da-da-da-dum!
disturbed neighbors, and some
yelled, ""hey, lud?keep it down!"" (that's a quote.)
"
"""this car gives you bang for your buck,""
said the salesman, ""and boy, you're in luck!
what a beaut?i'm sincere!
might not run, might not steer,
but it's cheap if you trade in your truck.""
"
"i accurately measured the flour
and cinnamon-sugar; an hour
of baking will do it.
my diet?  oh, screw it?
grandma's kuchne i plan to devour.
"
"when anything could fill that slot
(assuming they're open and not
confining their pick
to some either-or kick),
this show we've got might have a shot.
"
"seen on ebay: an old silver tray,
so ugly i'd give it away.
but it's listed ""antique,""
and its price made me freak
when i saw the ""buy now!"" some might pay.
"
"she was two days past due when she woke,
sheets soaked 'cause her water just broke.
amniotic sac thin
held her baby within;
now in labor, she's pissed she can't smoke.
"
"chef rudi screamed, ""what's this patina?
my copper pots?all bluish-greena!
this aeruginous hue
is verboten! and you
are no longer sous-chef de cuisina!""
"
"aquaculture is how they farm fish
when you must have that fine salmon dish,
and the fish in the wild
just will not  be beguiled
by bait (though they are more delish).
"
"""tie your shoelaces!"" cry mom and pop.
but their little boy just wouldn't stop
stomping on the loose ends,
though he soon apprehends
that's how aglets  break off and shoes flop.
"
"""you've got to be kidding,"" i said.
""will i move to bayonne? when i'm dead!
i don't care sandra dee
came from there; don't you see?
she got out?i'll stay put here instead.""
"
"today, my dear cat i interred,
but her death should have never occurred.
neighbors caused me this grief;
fed her tainted raw beef.
later, ""tongue got your cat""'s what i heard.
"
"calling mama means babe wants to eat,
prompting females to think, ""ooh, how sweet!""
call her ima or amah,
mum, madre or mamma,
to baby, she's milk from a teat.
"
"though it's clear that his course needs correction,
her spouse hates to ask for direction.
so an atlas she checks
and it's as she suspects:
he should have turned, last intersection.
"
"if we give you a lot, we allot
an allotment that's part of the pot
of what we all share.
we try hard to be fair,
and we hope that you don't think it's squat.
"
"rediscovered in pyramids dank,
some amulets?ankhs?seem so swank.
they betoken long life,
a notion that's rife,
but one tut couldn't take to the bank.
"
"today is a stylist's despair day,
a mom-warned-us-but-we-didn't-care day.
it's so windy and wet,
frizzy tresses forget
all decorum: it's ultra bad hair day.
"
"i am shocked that my rep's been besmirched
just because from that tavern i lurched.
i'd but tripped on a keg,
thereby breaking my leg,
while a thesis on rum i researched.
"
"""i'm starving! where's  dinner?"" asked dad.
""let's have trout from the freezer, or shad.""
but just minnows and perch
were unearthed in mom's search.
alas, baitfish were all that we had.
"
"deterrence through balance of power
seems a better idea by the hour,
since balance of terror
is risky, and error
will bar peace from chances to flower.
"
"one anchor you toss in the sea;
another kind's found on tv.
the first holds a ship,
while the other might slip
when the news and the truth don't agree.
"
"premiering, the movie star said,
""yes, i love being naked in bed!
and these are my real boobs,
now i'll wave at the rubes!""
she's an airhead but makes lots of bread.
"
"bananas are musas to me.
their species? a thousand and three;
they mutate with ease.
their leaves sway in the breeze;
they're herbaceous?don't call one a tree.
"
"asexual mating is not
very typically thought of as hot.
but in vitro?  folks do
lust for no-thrills sex, too:
the infertile who want kids a lot.
"
"appreciation for art hand-created
can fluctuate. often belated,
it might fall or rise
when art critics surmise
what was fresh is now ageless?or dated.
"
"akrotiri, in case you were wonderin',
's a peninsula cypriots ain't plunderin'.
the brits keep things cool
(by the book's how they rule);
it's their airbase, so better not blunder in.
"
"it's called agrodolce in rome,
aigre-doux when lyon is your home.
its sour-sweet taste
in a sauce or a baste
adds real zest, says my friend chef guillaume.
"
"too lethargic to head for a spa,
lars was lying about feeling blah.
then his girlfriend came by.
""what'll cure you's some chai,""
she suggested, ""or take off my bra.""
"
"once they stood for long-lived groups like nato
and farmers of russet potato.
now alliances?those
on reality shows?
crumble sooner than those in soweto.
"
"though we yanks call it asphalt when paving
our streets, to fill cracks and stop caving,
seems the brits spread macadam
when road crews get at 'em;
what counts is the paving they're saving.
"
"from deep fissures with lava aglow,
liquid rock pours but soon slows its flow.
when you've igneous rock
cloaking earth round the clock,
the basalt might just form a plateau.
"
"we use numerous things to attach
things that break, like a rubbery patch
or some glue or some string,
'cause we all tend to cling
to those heirlooms that fate tries to snatch.
"
"a ripe pumpkin escaped from its patch
seeking pie crust with which it might match
its smooth flavor sublime,
and be browned just in time
for thanksgiving dessert made from scratch.
"
"when it's ""teacher, you always are right,""
and ""thanks, boss, for saying black's white,""
i feel no end of grief.
it would be a relief
to get brown-nose types out of my sight.
"
"his blessing, expressing conviction,
was convenient, expedient fiction.
he was power-obsessed,
lacked the faith he professed,
and that made for a flawed benediction.
"
"her willowy arms flutter slightly,
her feathered white head drops down lightly.
alas for odette,
men who love soon forget.
thus, she's dying in swan lake once nightly.
"
"walking in, he said, ""i need a bed
where i'll screw lots of babes i won't wed.""
avid salesgirl i am,
still, this posed quite a jam.
so i sold him a loveseat instead.
"
"i used to think dialup was slow,
and broadband the sole way to go.
but in uploading data,
my typing errata
soon proved that my best speed was ""whoa!""
"
"whether ""animal, vegetable or
a mineral?"" matters.  what for?
when you play twenty questions,
it narrows suggestions
for what to ask next, so you score.
"
"the brassica genus includes
cruciferous veggies; such foods
might help to fight cancer
(fresh broccoli's one answer),
but cabbage in my house starts feuds.
"
"at a party, a donkey's pinned tail
missed its mark, landing far beyond the pale.
it was said to append
to a lass in south bend
who relayed it back asswards by mail.
"
"it beggars description, this poem,
though it's brief (just five lines), not a tome.
critics cannot describe
all its wit (want a bribe?)
but might start with, ""don't try this at home.""
"
"she's a geek whom i want to affiance,
but geez! love ain't like rocket science!
i'll just take her to dine?
chuck e. cheese should be fine?
and suggest that we form an alliance.
"
"pride and prejudice: witty and smart,
its dialogue's still fresh and tart.
jane austen knew well
starcrossed love feels like hell;
thus, she lets darcy win lizzie's heart.
"
"he stood poised on the edge of a bluff;
a crowd gathered. a guy yelled, ""enough!
i've bet twenty you'll jump
so don't make me a chump.
if you're bluffing, c'mon now?get tough.""
"
"an otter i spied from the beach
swam in kelp, with its meal well in reach.
abalone shell plate
it held and then ate,
with manners miss manners could teach.
"
"""of avon i'm bard, don't you see?
this honor quite fills me with glee,""
quoth young william s.,
who then had to confess,
""but not all my work's written by me.""
"
"we were shocked and appalled when we learned
that our son (when just thirteen he'd turned)
had smoked the dread weed;
we'd assumed he'd agreed
that though we smoke, his vice wasn't earned.
"
"""hmm . . . an apple? i guess it's nutritious.""
so he ate, but it soon proved pernicious.
after god threw them out,
adam still thought her clout
owed to eve's being so babelicious.
"
"in each year you can divvy by four,
baby-kissers try showing rapport.
vote-getters have proven
it sure is behooven;
smart pols kiss cute babies to score.
"
"call me shocked and appalled when you said
that the old man next door (long thought dead)
has now turned up in maine?
with some babe, on cocaine?
joined hell's angels and now shaves his head.
"
"no matter your skill as a scout,
the bsa can keep boys out.
if you're gay, atheistic,
don't be optimistic;
""be prepared"" to be straight and devout.
"
"a buttercup under my chin
reflects yellow; my daughter chimes in,
""there's the proof you like butter!""
""who doesn't?"" i mutter
while flashing my cheesiest grin.
"
"adaptogen herbs combat stress.
with their side effects nil, i would guess
that at stores that'll sell 'em,
you might want to tell 'em,
""gimme ginseng right now; i'm a mess.""
"
"when sausage-producing techniques
are applied to beef blood, guts and cheeks,
soon these byproducts will
be no longer called  swill
but instead, choice p?t?s in boutiques.
"
"in days bypast, i throve in my glory,
but now you'd describe me as hoary.
wish the future still held
new distinctions that spelled
love and money, but no: end of story.
"
"a burgoo is a spicy thick stew
made with mixed meats. kentuckians do
add, at times, an opossum
to make flavors blossom,
but i'm like, chacun ? son go?t.
"
"while the busboy was bussing our table,
we stopped kissing since i felt unable
to  buss in a place
without space to embrace,
and where breadcrumbs might litter my sable.
"
"for troops far from home, a bx
supplies snackfood and books, but when next
to some unfriendly towns,
nearby sounds can be rounds
of attacks?so be quick writing checks.
"
"arame (that's seaweed, to you)
can be stir-fried to feed a whole crew.
as a side dish with fish,
some will say it's delish,
but tonight i'd prefer a fondue.
"
"there's a loophole in usa law
that, exploited, rubs some people raw.
birth tourists all try
to give birth here, and why?
each baby will anchor its ma.
"
"stinks so bad you might call it ferocious,
that limburger cheese smells atrocious.
but my five-year-old kid
(whom i just can't forbid
a taste) likes it?she must be precocious.
"
"now, alternate bearing means fruit
and pecan crops some years are minute.
the next year shows a glut,
but the next, again cut.
for some farmers, this problem's acute.
"
"in a  dumpster, an artist might scout
for found objects too good to throw out.
with care, she arranges
assemblages' changes;
each work, she hopes, furthers her clout.
"
"the antipodes aren't as far
as you once had thought far-flung lands are.
what had seemed very distant
has now grown consistent
with a fast-shrinking global bazaar.
"
"all his assets he's stashing offshore;
saving taxes when rich?what a chore!
with warm tropical breezes
and no-tax 'pertises,
bahamian banks he'll explore.
"
"'fore unpacking my sylvia plath,
i noticed the maid missed on math:
""the amenities should
include two soaps; please would
this hotel provide one for the bath.""
"
"""so this panda walks into a bar""
begins an old joke i won't mar
by giving the punchline,
although a whole bunch whine
that they haven't heard it thus far.
"
"workers dug out some dirt 'neath the house.
three weeks  later, i said to my spouse,
""here's a shovel?replace
all the earth in that space.
use the backfill; don't bother to grouse.""
"
"an editor avidly cut
a digital film you'd call smut.
on an avid  he worked
day and night, never shirked
till his mom cried, ""we raised you for what?""
"
"when a factory came under assault,
its assembly line ground to a halt.
yelled the boss, ""don't you leave
or you'll all get the heave.
the union be damned?it's default!""
"
"on the eve of zev's wedding, the guys
throw his bachelor party: surprise!
they drink beer, leer at strippers
(who unzip all zev's zippers),
as his bachelorhood speeds toward demise.
"
"the invite read byob,
so he pondered, what goes well with brie?
should he offer to share
and if not, who would care,
'cause he'd just as soon hoard his chablis.
"
"""what's for dinner?"" my children demand.
""it's delicious, sufficiently bland?
aubergine, and it's good!""
then i pray, knock on wood
they won't notice it's eggplant that's planned.
"
"most radio broadcasts we hear
are hot air?unimportant?they're mere
same-old music and news,
then some deejay's blah views,
and ads that get worse year by year.
"
"not since great-grandpa jack was last seen,
was a redhead with limbs long and lean
related to us,
atavistically thus;
my brother has jack's build and mien.
"
"poor harry was peppered with shot
(seems at safety, the v.p.'s not hot),
but at least 'twas for quail.
still, it's birdshot (in scale
less than buckshot) and thus pricked a lot.
"
"al-sirat is the bridge razor-thin
into paradise. cross it to win
islam's longlasting bliss,
but below's hell's abyss,
which all muslims try not to fall in.
"
"jackson pollock's the one who's known best
for painting in action; the rest
might disdain dribs and drabs
while the critics keep tabs
on whether their work meets the test.
"
"you're young and you listen and smirk,
but don't buckle to yearnings to shirk
these two guidelines: pledge you'll
buckle down when in school;
buckle up in the car.  these rules work!
"
"if the tin man, pre-birth, had a twin
who was blessed with a heart deep within,
we can safely assume,
while those twins shared the womb,
that young tin's the acardius kin.
"
"senior moments will make us feel old;
ice cream headaches, sometimes, way too cold.
both cause trouble or worse,
but when naming each curse,
four-to-one prefer brain freeze when polled.
"
"though i tried really hard not to sneeze,
not sneezing's not managed with ease.
an achoo marked right when
i  achooed yet again.
i'm still trying?achoo! (they're in threes.)
"
"in the forties, it got its real start;
its importance? that's clear off the chart.
nonrepresentational,
its forms just sensational,
that's abstract expressionist art.
"
"there once was a plump adolescent
who wept, ""i am so adipescent.
i'm, like, totally jumbo,
i'll soon look like dumbo ?
i'd much rather look prepubescent.""
"
"""a  braunschweiger sandwich again!
my mother must hate me!"" cried ken.
""it's liverwurst, grayish,
tastes bad, not okayish,
i'll be good, lord, but stop her. amen!""
"
"ahasuerus thought esther was hot,
so he married her right on the spot,
unaware she was jewish
(as king, he was newish);
she convinced him to have haman shot.
"
"""you know that my backhand's the best,""
said serena. ""oh, give it a rest,""
i said, thanks to our grudge,
adding, ""best? that was budge,""
and backhandedly, ""have yours assessed.""
"
"in morocco, a pastry divine
includes chicken and eggs, filo fine:
sugar-cinnamon-topped,
hot bstilla is popped
into mouths, but the next one's all mine.
"
"take an organism: has it a shell?
does it live long, and where does it dwell?
bioscientists find
that such knowledge combined
in life science explains every cell.
"
"the abominable snowman's his name,
and you'll find himalayans who claim
that this yeti's the worst?
he's both smelly and cursed,
and whatever goes wrong, he's to blame.
"
"agapanthus are lilies of the nile,
but where have they been this long while?
their summery blooms,
brought indoors, brighten rooms,
but it's winter, so none make me smile.
"
"when this fish you just cannot abide,
to your waiter be sure to confide,
""when making my pizza
in old srebrenica,
please leave the anchovies aside.""
"
"deconstruction's a buzzword to some;
academia, though, makes me numb.
i'd rather be playing
on quiz shows and saying
some buzz word that wins me a plum.
"
"this room is so plain i can't stand it,
but i know a cheap way to un-bland it.
let's apply anaglypta
(with glue it's equipped); a
fine molding now looks like i planned it.
"
"just frankie, annette, surf and sand?
boy, those beach party movies were bland!
in those innocent days
frankie crooned, caught some rays;
a teen idol who sang and got tanned.
"
"a landmark in harlem for years,
the apollo's launched stellar careers.
on its amateur night,
hopefuls try to shine bright,
winning shout-outs and audience cheers.
"
"two patrons, each one a big spender,
to a barmaid flash large legal tender.
she, wanting their tips
but not pinches or lips,
keeps 'em sober so they don't offend 'er.
"
"angustifolias aren't the same,
though dozens of plants bear that name.
it means ""narrow leafed,""
and since you've been briefed,
now guess which ones make that their claim.
"
"if you want to get something affixed,
try cement, paste, or tape, or all mixed.
when things won't adhere,
keep krazy glue near,
but you must keep your fingers unsticks'd.
"
"now, affectless means unrevealing
of emotional states, or unfeeling.
with botox injected,
moods pass undetected
in wrinkle-free faces concealing.
"
"i'm accruing a crew for my yacht.
we will sail around crete when it's hot.
then the crew that accrues
can soon queue for the views
of the isles they say time forgot.
"
"a boston fan shares his beliefs:
""i think pitchers who throw as reliefs
should always wear boxers
or boxer briefs; sox, sirs,
can't cotton to just plain old briefs.""
"
"the shi'ites who grieve for hossein,
who was martyred on karbala's plain,
observe arbayeen yearly
and some still pay dearly,
since sunnis remain shi'ites' bane.
"
"since he thought way outside box or bubble,
nasa honored astronomer hubble
with a peerless new 'scope			
yielding stargazers hope?
astronomically, well worth the trouble.
"
"every strawberry ""seed""'s an achene;
on the outside, they're easily seen.
a tiny dried fruit
(one-seeded to boot),
each carries the strawberry gene.
"
"for four hundred years, people called
the city bombay; islands sprawled
off india's coast.
now, of mumbai they boast;
then they renamed madras. i'm appalled!
"
"if you notice a house, door ajar,
and glimpse guns in the hallway, not far,
in the driveway's the reason:
it's deer-hunting season?
a twelve-pointer's strapped to the car.
"
"the baya's a bird that plays tricks;
trainers teach them to show off for kicks.
they tie knots with their beaks,
can thread beads; such techniques
impress females who then want their chicks.
"
"for animal rights he's concerned,
so peta he joined, once he learned
labs take critters from nests
and subject them to tests
for cosmetics where eyeballs get burned.
"
"a rare shell i just found augurs well
for my speech on the very same shell.
now, my talk shouldn't bore,
though the shell from the shore
is an auger, and augers bore swell.
"
"with an antoninianus, i'm flush?
coin's worth thirty-two asses! no rush
to go shopping and spend it
and no, i won't lend it.
that's sotheby's calling now?hush!
"
"veggies strewn on a plate like confetti
are brunoise.  the chef got them ready
by dicing real fine
(one-eighth inch is divine)
while she's keeping her knife sharp and steady.
"
"bisphosphonate compounds abound
in rx's for those with unsound
or weak brittle old bones,
but new data bemoans
a risk to the jaw that's profound.
"
"if the foul smell of mold makes you bawl,
in your basement some airbricks install.
meant as venting, they're great;
hated scents soon abate?
you'll be grateful for holes in the wall.
"
"an agreeable lady, ms. ling,
lacks a beau, but she still wants a fling.
she tells ng, ""on the shelf,
'tisn't fun by myself.
i won't cling.  bring sam singh, and we'll swing.""
"
"crunching chips through her moist bee-stung lips,
angie quips, ""why's this script set at scripps?""
""snip the crips with the whips,""
brad adds. ""love the eclipse?
and the cave where it drips when she strips.""
"
"a baleen whale (a gray one, quite big)
of a baja lagoon took a swig.
through baleen plates she sifted
and ate, while she drifted,
some plankton and shrimp and one fig.
"
"aggravated's a type of assault,
an offense with a nasty gestalt.
hope that perp with the axe
gets the max for attacks;
it's time this crime came to a halt.
"
"the word bachelor sounds swinging and cool;
single guys bach it up, as a rule.
but poor spinsters!  alas,
someone's sure to harass
lasses missing that ring-finger jewel.
"
"my attach? case took a hike
right when aftra decided to strike.
the picket line's gloomy?
just signs, nothing roomy
to carry a script, palm or mike.
"
"while climbers, intrepid, bag peaks,
sherpa porters tend base camp. techniques
using yaks lighten loads
for ascents where no roads
go, so trekkers don't mind if camp reeks.
"
"my husband just died; i was grieved.
at his funeral i wept, so bereaved.
thought things couldn't get worse
till his lover?his nurse!?
sang a dirge that revealed she'd conceived.
"
"with big breasts and long legs; fighting trim,
all the bond girls are sultry and slim.
their names are suggestive;
james bond's ever restive
to bed them, and they to bed him.
"
"other great attic writers, enthralled,
hung on sophocles' words. then they called
him the great attic bee,
for his plays, they'd agree,
were much sweeter than those the rest scrawled.
"
"when moroccans make amlou, they grind
roasted almonds with honey, combined
with argan nut oil.
one taste, you're disloyal
to peanutty spreads, but won't mind.
"
"a brown betty or buckle or grunt
is a fruit dessert; now i'll be blunt:
though the fruit parts are great,
if you're struggling with weight,
skip the toppings (though chefs take affront).
"
"when attacked by an africanized bee,
sam stood startled, then started to flee.
the bee's mates joined the fun
and when they were done,
sam, swollen, appeared on tv.
"
"an old ambulance chaser sped out
when he heard a big crash near about.
quickly passing out cards,
he avoided  two guards
who yelled, ""scram, you insensitive tout!""
"
"on the seat of the levi's you buy
are back pockets; now, i'll tell you why
they have arcuate stitching:
once, lining enriching
the pockets existed?no lie!
"
"bermuda shorts just reach the knees;
island style's these shorts, long on ease.
but colonial ways
are less welcome these days,
and long pants are more apt to please.
"
"he's not worried; he goes with the flow,
though his bandy-legged limbs form a bow.
some say it was rickets
from when he was sick; it's
a sure thing a cowpoke would show.
"
"i am shocked and quite bent out of shape;
my jaw's dropped; my mouth's  hanging agape.
these deep bites, you contend
are mere marks of a friend?
i don't think so, count vlad?here's your cape.
"
"i'm incensed and i'm bent out of shape!
when you filmed us, you promised that tape
was for you, not the net!
please?i want to forget,
but my fans will not let me escape.
"
"he's accoutered his bedroom in style;
she's arriving in just a short while.
chilled champagne at the ready,
pillows fluffed, and her teddy
comes off soon . . . just imagine his smile.
"
"with gold bands, lance asked hans for his hand,
but then courts ruled such unions were banned.
now, since lance can't wed hans,
there's no need to post banns,
and their wedding band's gig has been canned.
"
"""is it bigger than a breadbox?"" you say;
with just twenty, your questions can't stray,
but your mind soon diverges
from playing; your urge is
to measure a breadbox today.
"
"he swipes at and throws all his fries,
then lets loose with loud squeals and strange cries.
he's animalistic;
mom's going ballistic,
but he's barely turned one, and time flies.
"
"an old joke goes, ""i'm brown from the sun"";
a colleague (who won't be outdone)
says, ""i'm flatt from the press,""
and i'd hazard a guess
you can think up lots more just for fun.
"
"bright gaillardia blankets the ground;
in most states, its wild blooms are still found
in wide fields in the sun,
forming seedheads when done.
don't you see blanket flower? look round!
"
"cook a calf's foot for hours; you've got
a cold jelly i dislike a lot.
said to cure some folks' ills
(though i much prefer pills),
this aspic's despicable rot.
"
"'neath a banyan tree, buddha once sat
awaiting enlightenment. that
assured fig, once thought lowly,
became at once holy,
majestic with aerial mat.
"
"a mere blip on the screen of his life,
i was prized but not loved as a wife.
for an all-too-brief time
things looked bright, but now i'm
still contending with heartache and strife.
"
"once called albyn by celtics of old,
now it's scotland (the highlands still hold
that name), but till caesar
(if you get a brain-teaser)
all of britain was called that, i'm told.
"
"whatever walt says, i won't hear
since his ""blah blah blah"" goes in one ear
and as swiftly flies out
as the bargains, no doubt,
from the wal-mart where walt buys his gear.
"
"the bible is filled with begatting;
guys scored as if babe ruth were batting.
they went forth and increased
just like that, and then ceased?
while i'm stuck on the bench, online chatting.
"
"my financial advisor was keen
on investing in stock ever green.
so he planted a drift
of armeria?thrift?
which has grown just the way he'd foreseen.
"
"my heart aches since you walked out the door;
i feel bad (country singers, keep score!).
then with frostbite, my thumb
and eight fingers went numb;
i feel badly (tactility's poor).
"
"""all you can eat,"" the sign said;
she approached the buffet bar with dread.
self-control would be gone,
she just knew. came the dawn,
no more food: buttons popped, derri?re spread.
"
"the blueblood gasped, ""air! 'fore i choke!
my airways are blocked?it's no joke!""
said the blonde, ""well, it's true
that you're now turning blue,
but you're frog prince . . . don't frogs always croak?""
"
"when the weather's too hot to wear hose,
in short shorts, her bare legs she'll expose.
bareleggedly running,
beachgoing and sunning,
she's ogled for shortage of clothes.
"
"jack's assigned a new area code,
ostensibly, easing the load
caused by cellphones and faxes.
""but overlays,"" jack says,
""are taxing, our survey just showed.""
"
"""our hotel's endured flaps from your team,""
warned the manager, ""this time, extreme.
though they may just be kids,
our insurance forbids
that they keep blowing off so much steam.""
"
"the guy looked like a beanpole?so thin!
so i'm all like, ""dude! where've you been?
in some place where crops failed,
or in stir?were you jailed?""
dude says ""chemo"" to my great chagrin.
"
"since her day job's just work at a desk,
she decided to dance in burlesque,
but her bump and her grind
failed to tease,  fishnets bind,
and in pasties she looks too grotesque.
"
"i blaspheme; you can't call me devout.
i'm impious; of that, there's no doubt.
but oh wait! got that wrong?
in my faith, i'm quite strong!
(if i'm not, white house breakfasts are out.)
"
"bartlett's the name of a pear
sold by one enoch bartlett with flair,
thus acquiring his name
(europe's williams?the same)
in the u.s., should anyone care.
"
"the chef shouted ""i quit!"" in a huff
when i told him his cream puffs were tough.
but desserts must be served,
so i'll fill in, unnerved
at beating this marshmallow fluff.
"
"near area 51, we
once decided to sneak in and see
if it's true that the base
hid a ufo case.
(i would tell you, but feds made us flee.)
"
"""neither borrower nor lender be,""
says polonius. ""loans aren't free.
they can cost you a friend,
or get lost. in the end,
if you must borrow, borrow from me.""
"
"i'm relieved that i earned my bd,
but divinity school's not for me.
i prayed only for grades;
never took off my shades?
think for grad school i'll try mit.
"
"new york? well, i won't venture there,
though i love it, or used to?i swear!
every skyscraper's height
now sparks fear, not delight;
batophobia breeds this despair.
"
"there's this force, keeps me down: i despair
because gravity gives me a scare.
i'm a true barophobic
while on this old globe?ick!
i'd rather float weightless through air.
"
"he thinks that he's catching her eye,
while he's angling for bluefish, but why
does she sidle up to him
as if she just knew him?
she's eyeing his catch for a fry.
"
"the airbag went whoosh when she crashed?
saved her life, which had almost been dashed.
as cops rushed to the scene,
she vowed she'd stay clean,
as she prayed they'd not find drugs she'd stashed.
"
"the bag lady carried two bags
with all her possessions; most, rags.
the bags' weight dragged her down,
but more reason to frown:
being homeless and poor are such drags.
"
"angel wings don't just help cherubs fly;
many plants with that name please the eye.
but alas for a bird,
if that defect occurred
it could never fly into the sky.
"
"an air lock's where spacemen converse
in that place between bad and what's worse,
when aliens invade
their plagued ship and hopes fade,
unless they can mend that [add curse].
"
"don't think that you're apt to elope
with a bachelor whose buttons mean ""hope.""
his flowers' fringed edges
mean, too, he alleges,
he's ""blessedly single""?so cope.
"
"i waited outside for my friend . . .
not just late; didn't show.  in the end
i missed the whole play.
'twas godot (funny, eh?),
but i got beckett's point, i'd contend.
"
"asperulate: rough to the touch,
just a bit, like a cat's tongue or such,
or wood that needs sanding
to look more outstanding,
like pine on my dining room hutch.
"
"ann alliteratively smoked seven scrod,
since steaming such fish seemed so odd.
salmonella spread so,
the smoked scrod had to go;
sauteed salmon instead fed the squad.
"
"a380's the biggest jet yet:
with this new superjumbo, you get
over five hundred seats,
but the crowding defeats
the pleasures of travel by jet.
"
"in a bollywood film that i viewed,
two lovers just sing; no one's nude.
they won't kiss (it's taboo),
but in urdu they woo
and...(i won't blab the ending; that's rude).
"
"star casting in streetcar seemed sage,
till the actress's hamming caused rage.
our director won't brook
the carte blanche that she took,
so tonight he'll cart blanche off the stage.
"
"the army's like, ""be all you can!
be recruited, whoever!"" some plan!
taking dudes who abuse
controlled drugs, have tattoos,
or are dropouts?so who do they ban?
"
"my sunday out's ruined! you said
we could catch johnny ray, but he's dead.
and ray charles? gone too;
guess the beach has to do,
so let's just catch some rays there instead.
"
"though defined as a hundred years old,
""antiques"" are too frequently sold
by calling them ""junque""?
or worse, ""retro funk""?
which (though new) boosts their price twentyfold.
"
"such balderdash! you got attention
for entries that lacked all invention.
the contest rules stink
if your piffle wins ink;
in a just world, they'd not be worth mention.
"
"it's beneath me to comment on that
(since noblesse keeps this mess 'neath our hat).
there'll be sharp news decreases,
with no press releases;
just blackouts: we're all standing pat.
"
"puppeteers in japan deftly move
complex wooden-limbed puppets; now you've
learned bunraku's esteem
flows from culture and theme,
and from artistry patrons approve.
"
"a person can get in a jam
when in love with amour (as i am).
once i thought being amorous
made life much more glamorous,
but with five beaux to please, it's a sham.
"
"in tables periodic, we find
au (meaning gold) on our mind.
it's from aurum in latin,
and here in manhattan
the pursuit  of it often is blind.
"
"if rain never gets your grass wet,
install astroturf. upkeep's no sweat:
always green,  kind of plastic
(you hated that last tick
with lyme), so you'd like it, i'll bet.
"
"bangladesh: frequent cyclones and drought
are two reasons folks there go without.
floods ravage the rice,
and corruption and vice
scare most tourists away from that route.
"
"some aliens landed nearby
and borrowed our neighbor, old sy.
they returned him intact,
but tattooed with exact
instructions for shipping by sky.
"
"callipygian people reveal
rounded rears, shapely butts; they're ideal.
others try toning glutes,
but they'll never have beauts.
bottom line: they lack j. lo's appeal.
"
"to las vegas there'd been many trips,
but it's time now to cash in his chips.
having lost what he owed,
he's transgressed the mob's code,
and his creditors don't indulge slips.
"
"yes, he's single, but isn't a catch.
living off his rich mom, he's no match
for a girl who's ambitious,
but if she's avaricious,
old mumsie she'll plan to dispatch.
"
"for a paper on subtext i'll read
an old novel that's called adam bede.
but sweat beads on my brow
since this paper's due now,
and ten pages it's got to exceed.
"
"as she steps from the shade near a tree,
he can see her shirt's sheer as can be.
""chiffon's thin; it needs backing,""
he murmurs, ""you're lacking
in modesty to a degree.""
"
"anybody could donate a part
of his body, like spleen, eye, or heart.
when you're brain dead, dad's grief
might be others' relief,
and your corneas, someone's fresh start.
"
"for bayah, a ritual act,
all the streets in riyadh have been packed.
since the king is brand new
and there's loyalty due
in islam, this custom's intact.
"
"""here's your hydra play costume?you'll love it!""
said mom, but i wanted to shove it.
""what's wrong?"" her lip trembled.
""well, the way it's assembled,
i just can't make heads or tails of it.""
"
"the original catch-22:
to avoid any combat, then you
must prove that you're crazy,
but here it gets hazy:
you're sane if a war's no-can-do.
"
"yes, i can set those cans at the curb
and can can hired hands, name of herb.
but to dance the french cancan?
that's something a man can
do only when drunk or on herb.
"
"so what's the big deal? i'm a cad.
sure, i lie and seduce them. too bad.
we all have a good time
while it lasts and then i'm
on to others?who cares if they're mad?
"
"it's superbowl sunday, and chips
will be plunged into millions of dips.
avocado i crave,
but no limes?  this is grave!
fetch some quickly, before janet strips.
"
"my aim's to have limericks approved,
impressing chris strolin, who's moved
that participatory
web projects bring glory
to writers whose work's been improved.
"
"why invite us to come to your bash
if, when drinking, we have to pay cash?
though a cash bar saves you,
guests leave earlier; few
will bestow pricey gifts on the brash.
"
"betcha anyone could be our voice.
find a guy with charisma; our choice
could be coached to win votes,
speak in quotable quotes?
how 'bout that guy? will voters rejoice!
"
"so you drive an old beemer, a stick,
which you love 'cause that car looks so slick.
but with gas prices high,
it's not good to rely
on a car that's not cheap, light or quick.
"
"i'll explain (since you asked) how it works,
to both have cake and eat it: the quirk's
that the two can't be done,
so you might as well shun
all temptation (unless chocolate lurks).
"
"affectionately he would kiss
her soft cheek with such sweet, loving bliss.
she wanted it rougher?
for him to handcuff  'er.
""can't do that,"" mused he. ""let's try this. . . .""
"
"i've conceded; we fell a bit short.
my opponent slung mud; your support
really helped me get through it.
(i blew it!) i'll rue it?
i'll sue and i'll see him in court.
"
"archimedes' screw raises up water,
a device that works just like it oughter.
but the punks flunking school
think a ""screw""'s a girl who'll . . .
well, those louts better lay off my daughter.
"
"her students' attempts at blank verse???
were no match for blank minds, and what's worse,
the iambic they tried
proved so tough that they cried,
so she steered them toward being more terse.
"
"mom had warned her.   she now lay distraught;
had a breakdown when love came to naught.
soon, an ambulance came.
she still sported (the shame!)
the gnawed edible undies he'd bought.
"
"my donkey has no time for play,
since he works at the bank every day.
for when folks must be sure
if they've fools' gold or pure,
he might stutter, but sure can assay.
"
"some plants, for protection, have barbs,
like some cacti with spines or spiked garbs.
but a barbed remark's worse
when deliberate and terse,
such as ""looks like you bulked up on carbs.""
"
"if your foreskin's intact, keep it dry
underneath.  (i don't mean to imply
that a man should be cut,
but balanitis is what
guys might get if they fail to comply.)
"
"what are caconyms? names that are bad.
so if you're richard head, blame your dad.
your nickname brings jeers;
you deny it, in tears,
as do classmates called hugh jass and vlad.
"
"in our thumb wars, your thumb won't be found,
and at arm wrestling, i'm more renowned.
but don't stare at me, please?
i'll blink first, ill at ease?
staring contests i lose, every round.
"
"argan nuts are such tough nuts to crack
you could break a thumb, taking a whack.
so why try? it's their oil.
in morocco, they're loyal
and enjoy it on bread as a snack.
"
"the berber's hair, trimmed at the nape,
looked all right, but his beard made him gape:
seems the barber he chose
whacked out barbarous rows;
'twas a shear-wielding barbary ape.
"
"her toes looked deformed; i could see it.
the joints were enlarged.  i'd agree it
meant no more tight shoes,
but she cried, ""i can't lose
jimmy choos 'cause my bunions decree it!""
"
"""make it skinny and tall, extra foam,""
i told the barista.  ""back home,
capuccino's so tasty!""
""signora, you're hasty,""
he murmured, ""you've heard, 'when in rome?'?""
"
"a diver in scuba gear saw
a nasty eel open its jaw
to bite his signora,
but she parried.  thus, flora
(his amore) v. moray: a draw.
"
"biological controls really score
when you're burdened with aphids galore.
my new gardener attests
you'll see fewer plant pests
using ladybugs: poison no more.
"
"""who, me? alopecia?"" he said.
""true, i don't have a hair on my head,
nor a lash nor a brow;
i don't need them, nohow,""
and he'll baldly that bald-faced lie spread.
"
"all the wallflowers think that he's snooty,
but he won't dance with girls short on beauty.
""at cotillion,"" teach said,
keep that up, and you're dead ?
for such is the call, sir, of duty.""
"
"david blaine was not just drowned alive;
one might say that his stunt's hype and jive.
a magician who tries
weird escape acts, his size
was reduced forty pounds for his dive.
"
"the broadcast you heard on art deco,
or flamenco as danced by j. greco?
signals all bounced to ground
off a satellite round:
a balloon, and the first one was echo.
"
"bonaire is surrounded by park:
all marine reef, where dives down to dark
and deep waters amaze.
just be sure that your gaze
is alert, should you meet with a shark.
"
"every year in the spring, sikhs rejoice
on baisakhi day, praising in voice
the renewal, rebirth
of the fruits of the earth,
and defense through the khalsa, singh's choice.
"
"al jazeera airs arabic views
with a pan-arab take on the news.
its new satellite channel
might broadcast a panel
'bout war?or it might light a fuse.
"
"anthocyanin lends a red hue
to a berry shake (smoothie, to you).
but cooked, it disperses,
turns purple (oh, curses!),
unless there's an acid mixed through.
"
"i offered a trip; she said, ""no.
there are places that i'll never go.
venues strange, can't abide;
i feel safer inside?
agoraphobically, still status quo.""
"
"my beef with this beefcake at brunch
is we're vegans, but i have a hunch
all those lats, pecs, and abs
will spur grabbing for slabs,
and they'll beef up our diets a bunch.
"
"believers say, ""let us now pray.""
say atheists, ""there's just no way!""
but not at all certain
what lies past life's curtain,
agnostics interpret in gray.
"
"in the cookoff, i lost the grand prize
despite perfect banana cream pies.
though the fruit was just ripe,
seems the judge had a gripe?
some chiquita once fed him all lies.
"
"as soon as it's possible, rush
that iditarod contract?now mush!
signed endorsements can't wait
till the finish?if fate
intervenes, we'll stay poor, not be flush.
"
"my mistake baking brown bread began
when the batter was poured in a pan.
a boston cook screamed,
""hey, you fool, i'm as steamed
as that bread should be, cooked in a can.""
"
"former celtics coach red had just died.
""a relation?"" friends asked. ""why dry-eyed?""
""though my brother once claimed
he's our uncle (both famed
for their sports skill and red hair)?he lied.""
"
"when sasanquas start blooming in fall,
their dropped petals?rose carpets?enthrall.
but in winter, the boughs
that provoke neighbors' wows
are japonicas, lush, green and tall.
"
"the zookeeper claimed that each camel
would enjoy improved housing, since sam'll
repair leaky pipes,
halting board members' gripes?
so now sam caulks awhile for a mammal.
"
"ann alliterates, steamed she should scold
sister sue, since sue's shack's still unsold.
she snaps, ""sue, suckers sue?
secrete scuzz, smells still stew!
should've scrubbed to subdue mangy mold.""
"
"the producers, directors, and stars
arrive in long limos, not cars.
they're above-the-line. crew
are below-the-line; few
get such perks from the studio czars.
"
"in beijing, our ms. ling throws i ching
and divines that it's time for a fling.
she tells singh, ""i'll agree
to make love on tv
if sting sings to add zing while we swing.""
"
"'twas a crisis: wahb's ticker was bad,
sudden surgery the best hope he had.
triple bypass was looming
but traffic not zooming;
the bypass detoured 'round riyadh.
"
"other kids utter words in their youth,
but gerald makes sounds?so uncouth!
but the bong-bong-bong station
needs boing boings?elation!
he's great for the sound effects booth.
"
"your white skin emerging's a clue,
and pink eyes?no usual hue.
gadzooks?you're albino,
you sweet baby rhino!
we're thrilled you'll debut at our zoo.
"
"she'd waited and hoped; got betrothed,
but most wedding apparel she loathed:
""bridal veils i won't wear!""
""but the children will stare,""
i advised her. ""though nudist, wed clothed.""
"
"ashawagandha: this plant claims some cures
of infections and leprosy  sores;
promotes sleep, relieves stress,
boosts your energy (yes!)?
ayurvedics ensure it endures.
"
"a gardener who liked his skin sallow
planted herbs where the land had been fallow.
when a sunburn appeared,
on his red skin he smeared
soothing gel from the leaf of an aloe.
"
"once married, herr bach couldn't bach,
for with both wives he loved, soon each match
turned out batches of tykes
who shared papa's likes;
four sons produced music from scratch.
"
"with the brix scale, all vintners will test
when the sugar in grapes hits the best
time to harvest each type
(can't just see when they're ripe);
when they're ready, those grapes should be pressed.
"
"what's the part that needs fixing? don't blush:
it's the ballcock?should float till a flush
lets the water flow down
to the toilet; that brown
is just rust in the tank (use a brush).
"
"aperitifs are the drinks meant to whet
diners' appetites, yet if they get
one more drink than they should
before dinner?not good!
their appetizers are headaches, i'll bet.
"
"it's oft thought a nice greenish-blue,
unless this should happen to you:
from shipboard cuisine,
a(n aqua) marine
got too sick to continue to crew.
"
"when people say ""trust me,"" i can't
if their reasons are half-baked or scant.
they're assuredly eager
but truthwise, quite meager,
assuring it's mistrust they plant.
"
"""yes, they're ugly: your comment's astute,""
i agreed as we stared at the fruit.
""cherimoyas look lumpy
and scaly and bumpy,
but their taste makes that point somewhat moot.""
"
"not quite ""paradise in western seas,""
little avalon town aims to please
loads of daytripping tourists.
arthurian purists
might visit and just shoot the breeze.
"
"there's a fungus among us, they say,
but if us is just two, we would lay
it between, not among us,
like the mushroom fu yung gus
and i shared at sung li's cafe.
"
"add chickpeas to couscous or salad
to enliven a dish that tastes pallid.
these nutty tan beans
flavor many cuisines
and, importantly, keep hummus valid.
"
"the cannibal, starved, said, ""can't find
the first course of my dinner?i'm blind.""
so i brought soup du jour.
he purred, ""thanks, but be sure
to serve yourself first; i won't mind.""
"
"when he outgrows his car safety seat,
he moves up to the booster, complete
with the car's safety belts:
""i can drive now!""  mom melts
at her four-year-old's spirit, so sweet.
"
"a chestnut's a nut-bearing tree;
it's a reddish-brown hair tint that's ""me.""
it's an old joke or story,
a saying that's hoary,
or a horse, like the one owned by lee.
"
"what's a c-section? how some are born,
or where you'll find students who scorn
working hard as they should,
or sports seating (not good),
or movies like come blow your horn.
"
"i tried drying the root of this plant,
then roasting and grinding a scant
cup or two. then i brewed it
and drank it, but rued it.
call chicory ""coffee""?  i can't.
"
"serving steaks with an argentine sauce
of chopped parsley and garlic, i toss
herbs with chilies, salt, oil,
and vinegar?boy'll
chimichurri impress my new boss.
"
"this con ain't been shipped to no charm school;
guards in towers means this ain't no farm, fool.
see them bars? no cotillion,
but rules, 'bout a million?
like, use the wrong shiv, it's alarm fuel.
"
"""if you wanted to churn, then make butter!""
i yell at my broker, who'll utter
excuses for churning
my stocks, which are turning
so much, my account's in the gutter.
"
"'twas my last meal (whacked guards at a bank);
soon they'd gas me (boy, justice sure stank).
uncorked pouilly-fuiss?,
breathed its fruity bouquet,
then i guzzled the whole blanc de blancs.
"
"my basketball friend, name of chuck,
swore he'd make a slam dunk; bet a buck.
an arched pass, sweet and high,
that he dunked broke a tie.
""alley-oops,"" he grinned, ""take skill and luck.""
"
"""your room's cool ? yes; it has central air,""
said the landlady, showing the lair.
""and there's central heat, too.
plug-in heaters i rue;
see, my last tenant burned up a chair.""
"
"rare species, endangered, might grow
in botanical gardens which show
labeled specimen plants
saved through fundraising grants,
and vast lawns which i'd sure hate to mow.
"
"""bring my glasses,"" the aviator said.
""got poor vision?"" i queried in dread.
but the pilot proclaimed,
""oh, heck no! ray-ban's famed
for the kind that cuts sun glare instead.""
"
"when the dialogue must be replaced
automatically, so we won't waste
those three scenes with bad sound
where stars' voices were drowned,
with an adr edit we're faced.
"
"to bonaire and aruba bill jaunts,
then to curacao, one of his haunts.
one is not still antilles,
but?say friends of billy's?
its abc islands link flaunts.
"
"when the blackout struck, no one could bake
a blackout cake, nor grill a steak.
in those hours unpowered,
our old love life flowered;
in nine months, we welcomed son jake.
"
"an odd guy joined our game and he'd greet all
the players but looked like he'd cheat all.
when we played texas hold 'em,
all night he'd just fold 'em,
not raisin'. now shucks, don't that beat all?
"
"those damned pigeons again, in the yard!
i'll kill 'em and roast 'em till charred!
they're disgusting, unclean!
so henceforth, my routine
will be blasting them while you stand guard.
"
"the barysphere: too hot to go,
though jules verne would vacation below,
in the core of the earth
where the planet gives birth
to volcanoes and smooth lava flow.
"
"miss piggy, to kermit: ""we're through.
remember, it's me; it's not you.
but that boar with the benz
has become . . . more than friends.
so, green fella, not much you can do.""
"
"a bettor once bet that he'd better
stop gambling so maybe he'd get her.
but his best efforts failed
when his wife stamped and mailed
the girl proof that he'd have to regret her.
"
"so this mafia guy urges, ""hon,
c'mon, try this pastry?just one!""
but i eye his cannoli
and shake my head slowly:
""no, thank you; i'll just take the gun.""
"
"albari?o's a wine grape from spain;
makes a crisp and dry drink that you'd drain
from your glass if you sipped some,
and if you had dripped some,
no problem 'cause white wines won't stain.
"
"some childhood sounds often repeat,
like the boing boing of balls in the street.
in our ball-bouncing games,
we turned legs, chanted names,
but missed bounces would lead to defeat.
"
"as we flew from st. louis to maine,
""in the loo,"" he said, ""join me and feign
that you're helping me heal
from a bad airline meal?
only don't tell my wife; it's her plane.""
"
"re: urgent & funny!!! cc:
all@dot.com. y'all will agree
it's too much, and though i
lol, why oh why
won't you stop sending junk mail to me?
"
"her chandelier earrings look chic;
with her tresses, they play hide and seek.
as they glitter and dangle,
clear crystals bespangle
her neck: they're not meant for the meek.
"
"for you seniors beginning to gaze
at both geezers and crones at soir?es,
bicentennial ball
is the bash with it all:
centenarians swinging both ways.
"
"i grew up in glasgow and texas;
mom dragged me around with her exes.
my country of origin?
the place i ate porridge in:
scotland's what i call my nexus.
"
"the young marrieds are hungry; they're keen
to try out their batterie de cuisine.
every pot, pan and tool
they received ought to fuel
a desire to cook (but not clean).
"
"do you mind if i use a clich??
i won't bend over backwards to say
an original line.
i'll just ask, ""what's your sign?
when it rains, it pours! have a nice day.""
"
"i've turned yellow; i'm now so chlorotic?
photosynthesize?  can't!  idiotic!
iron won't help in time
for the plant show that i'm
bred to win. so . . . can plants feel neurotic?
"
"chaparral grows in drought years or rain;
through hot summers, its plants don't complain.
some like fire, not wet,
so what seems like a threat
helps them thrive and reseed their domain.
"
"you want to know, sir, what i think?
you must first advance fees; sign in ink.
i'll consult and review,
then write up nothing new;
you've heard it before: your plans stink.
"
"out of luck, out of work, made a choice:
hung his shingle out, gave himself voice.
now he's called a consultant
with high fees resultant
to go with his leased, used rolls royce.
"
"we ain't drove there since heaven-knows-when;
we got spooked by  the sheriff back then.
bogus tickets define
crossing his county line.
and the nerve! he smiles, ""y'all come again.""
"
"the box says, ""add color to jar
with actuator; shake."" good so far.
""then apply to your head
and?""  oh, no! creeping dread:
my scalp burns and this tone looks bizarre.
"
"in basel a conference attending,
my keynote on basal cells pending,
we head out for a bite
of some pizza one night,
when fresh basil the chef's recommending.
"
"our daughter's at that awkward age
when she bumps into things and can't gauge
if the girls in her class
being mean will soon pass;
thank heavens it's only a stage.
"
"now, bangi's an african tongue
that i learned in zaire when quite young.
in tibet, i speak batti,
but in cincinnati,
my words aren't spoken, but sung.
"
"yes, i take this au grand s?rieux,
but it's not how it looks, mon precieux!
my affair is all done,
so please don't wave that gun?
or shoot him and not me?oh, mon dieu!
"
"his ex yelled, ""you swore you shot blanks!
your 'vasectomy didn't take'? thanks!
i'm pregnant; you lied?
wish a condom'd been tried?
for deceitfulness, this really ranks.""
"
"i don't like when he calls me a dame,
or a broad, since that sounds really lame.
now, a lady sounds old,
and that, too, leaves me cold.
but a babe?well, with that i'm his flame.
"
"although they addressed coach as bwana
respectfully, why'd kenyans wanna
call him master or boss?
he'd just lost at lacrosse
at the tournament held here in ghana.
"
"by-elections are those unroutine,
which are usually held in between
the regular races.
those running? new faces
replacing the dead or unclean.
"
"while bumping and grinding, my tassel
flew off, which was really a  hassle.
when a customer caught it,
i deadpanned, ""you bought it;
now i'm mistress and you, sir, my vassal.""
"
"the abayudayans amaze:
they're ugandans who sing out their praise
of the god of the jews,
whose religion they choose,
while in culture keep african ways.
"
"when a long-running movie's receipts
set new records, a press machine bleats
that its young star's now bankable:
his films, all un-yankable,
guarantee asses in seats.
"
"for your ring, dear, no emerald-cut glass; it's
a brilliant cut. none can surpass its
great sparkle and fire,
and you'll never tire
of counting its fifty-eight facets.
"
"young nolan bushnell first found fame
introducing the video game.
making millions with pong,
he next almost went wrong:
being head cheese he cannot still claim.
"
"dale chihuly, fine artist in glass,
creates works that museums amass.
fragile forms with finesse,
vibrant hues that impress?
if i owned some, this joint would have class.
"
"when shopping for diamonds, ms. liz
asks the jewelry clerk (who's no whiz),
""how's the cartier rep?""
he says proudly, with pep,
""we're the tiffany's, ma'am, of this biz!""
"
"when watching the news on tv,
how'll you know who's the interviewee?
a chyron on screen
names each new face you've seen,
so there's no doubt about the id.
"
"not too soon to bemoan what's been lost,
after fires we study the cost.
some species rebound
after years, again found,
while others, less lucky, are tossed.
"
"a chantoosie named sheena was choosy;
she'd sing only in her jacuzzi.
but her backups complained
that her tub should be drained;
the humidity made them too woozy.
"
"i'm no robot, ma ch?re?i'm your pa.
your syndrome? so sad; it's capgras.
once we feared you would die;
now we ask ourselves why
a once-sane girl denies her own ma.
"
"seems the rock star was drunk, his words slurred,
when you have ta clap now's what she heard.
but the groupie's applause
ended quickly because
his look told her that ""the"" was the word.
"
"dick clark built success after school:
philly teens danced on bandstand, looked cool
as groups lip-synced to hits,
selling records. clark's wits
let him profit, no pay-for-play fool.
"
"his dealer got busted; he's grassless.
no money for gas leaves him gasless.
no back-to-school-goer,
not upper-, not lower- ,
he's not even middle-: he's classless.
"
"so i say to my boss, ""aren't you seein'
that my tasks here are way too plebeian?""
park remarks, ""your work's fine,
but this chaebol's all mine?
you're not family nor even korean.""
"
"a car hits him; the car drives away.
a stranger stops, helps him: ""i'll stay.
are you comfortable, sir?""
victim ponders, thoughts blur:
""yeah, i make a good living, i'd say.""
"
"if you want a good fig in the spring,
early breba crops often will bring
forth some large tasty fruit,
but it's autumn's pursuit
of the main crops which net the most zing.
"
"you want me to visit your hut
and lie on your bearskin?for what?
in my bare skin, all nude?
well, please don't think me rude,
but how dare you imply i'm a slut!
"
"our bitterest fight started small.
accusations flew, casting a pall.
then blame heaped on blame;
neither life stayed the same.
we so carelessly lost what meant all.
"
"she's cheerful, so cute and petite,
with her pompoms all bouncy and sweet.
still, this cheerleader fears
that despite her best cheers,
all her teams will go down in defeat.
"
"one's a chuckwalla, lizardy friend;
then there's chuckawalla: those who offend
are imprisoned out west
where the guards might suggest
catching reptiles to join the men penned.
"
"the photo collector, aghast,
learned the hard way that dyes will not last.
pigment prints preserve color
that's brilliant, not duller:
a carbro print shines, unsurpassed.
"
"""for crabcakes, get backfin; it comes
from the body or legs."" now he hums,
picking out some fine bits
of their shells. ""i use ritz,""
he adds, ""crush 'em for flavorful crumbs.""
"
"when the agency propped up a guy
named bin laden, 'twas done on the sly.
with our help, an armed threat,
now he's too hard to get,
and the blowback's now why our troops die.
"
"chilaquiles for breakfast...why not?
last night, seems i drank and forgot
to bring food from the store.
s?,  i'll chop; it's no chore
turning leftovers spicy and hot.
"
"should've passed up this job; it's no breeze
with ten six-year-olds squirming?oh, jeeze!
now they're lined up and ready,
my camera is steady,
but i've still got to make them say cheese!
"
"in his chambers, the judge, unamused,
said, ""freebies would get me recused!
so, alas, i must pass
(though your bach is a gas);
your chamber group's ticket's refused.""
"
"say big government; you're on the side
of conservatives: they've often cried
that it means too much spending
on those who unending-
ly think they deserve a free ride.
"
"she's cuban; he's french: he's no hater.
she's black and he's white, so he'll date 'er.
his own race won't arouse him
or get to espouse him;
her differences prompt him to mate 'er.
"
"the lamb chops i ate in the galley
made me queasy. with no time to dally,
i made straight for the deck
and then threw up, a wreck
from the wind chop; i hope that i'll rally.
"
"my son chad had to have a pet rock,
but the store said, ""we ran out of stock.
they're back-ordered. please wait?
we'll get more."" how i hate
such delays (and for this, it's a crock).
"
"classed acanthisittidae then,
these tiny birds (wrongly called ""wren"")
are xenicidae now.
watch one hop on a bough
in new zealand, 'less cats strike again.
"
"i'd like us to  be in accord,
but your playing cannot be ignored.
since my ears can't condone
that accordion's tone,
please stash it?you've now been implored!
"
"when unveiling a plaque at the station,
the mayor will cite a citation.
the sight of the site
where commuters alight
has incited his honor's oration.
"
"a chimichanga once ruined my diet.
it looked huge but i still thought i'd try it.
the meat filling was fine
and the salsa, divine,
but they had to add cheese and then fry it.
"
"chimay?'s where i seek out the shrine,
convinced that these crutches of mine
will join others unneeded
by those who've succeeded
in prayer to a padre divine.
"
"her chinoiserie desk doesn't fit?
in his favorite room, both admit.?
its curlicued dragon?
about which she's braggin'?
he won't miss at all when they split.?
"
"asked the butcher to show me his chops;
i get lamb. then the counterman stops
to display his skill cutting
and trimming and gutting,
with all kinds of knives as his props.
"
"my blood gushed as i sat on my tush,
feeling bushed; seems my innards went squoosh
when the bush pilot's landing
(for his skills, too demanding)
bounced over most shrubs but this bush.
"
"channel islands, the national park,
is a place you don't go on a lark.
you must plan for a boat
and provisions to tote
while you visit, since service is stark.
"
"sunday morning, a trip i've agreed
to depart on leaves early; i'll need
to get a headstart
on the sunday news. smart:
buy a bulldog edition to read.
"
"""scratch my back, doc,"" al asked dr. coombs,
so his allergen's pegged, al assumes.
well, doc did, but al's itch
had just one little glitch:
al's allergy? allergists' rooms.
"
"you were swindled by two-faced don juan men,
then were dumped? time to ask your salon men,
""now where should we go
to find good men? you're pro-
and not anti-men, nor are you con men.""
"
"all the juniors, americans, pips
and romantics had songs on their lips,
making lead singers shine
but not crossing the line:
backups harmonize; mustn't eclipse.
"
"when you've tried starting fires with flint,
but you rubbed really hard and still di'nt,
go for broke?light a match;
turn the pilot on. natch,
you'll be cooking with gas (take a hint).
"
"she's been ill but she's back on her feet,
and relieved that the chemo's complete.
it took appetite-costing,
hair-losing, exhausting
long sessions, but now cancer's beat.
"
"california rolls, lacking raw fish,
are a sushi: a ""japanese"" dish.
when toro was lacking,
avocados, lip-smacking,
filled in with cooked crab; they're delish.
"
"hank williams' songs bring him to tears,
and he says johnny cash has no peers.
all that hurtin' and cheatin',
with lovin' too fleetin':
let's listen while sharin' some beers.
"
"cried the maestro from delhi, ""bizarre!
i've never heard any guitar
quite like that. would you trade me?""
i guessed that he'd swayed me
but said, ""close, but no . . . no sitar.""
"
"when for chow they served savory treats,
i tried chow-chow, a relish for meats,
but my chow pups tried cat chow.
""hey, chows,"" i cried, ""that chow
's not yours; snarf your own chow line eats!""
"
"he wore calvin klein's fragrance for men,
when the nurse came to draw blood again.
she said, ""i'll be swift,""
and then leaned in and sniffed,
adding, ""ck . . . ck ! oh, how zen!""
"
"while at mel's house, so ritzy and swank,
bugs and daffy devised quite a prank.
in his wine cellar, they
altered labels to say
that now even the red's blank de blanc.
"
"first i'll muddle some sugar with lime,
adding ice and cacha?a, then i'm
serving each carioca
just one drink: no joke.  a
caipirinha, they'll think, is sublime.
"
"she felt burned up, with nothing to wear
since a burnout had leveled her lair.
just a sheer heirloom shawl,
burnout velvet, was all
between her and a fireman's stare.
"
"""these high caratage rings mean i'm loved,""
muses minnie, who shortly is shoved
to get her attention
so mickey might mention,
""forget it: you're always out gloved.""
"
"""no, this isn't a terrorist plot,""
she, embarrassed, explained. ""i forgot
that alarms would go off.
though i tried, i can't doff
my steel chastity belt?so can swat?""
"
"a chinois strains out lumps from your soups
and sieves berries for sauces for coupes.
use this conical tool
to cut down the time you'll
spend pureeing the flesh of ripe drupes.
"
"to make ch?vre, you first get a goat
that is lactating. milk it, and note
that once cultured and strained,
the milk's curds must be drained
and aged before cheesemakers gloat.
"
"on the one hand, a fruit, when it's blet,
is overripe inside, and yet
the process called bletting
is purposely letting
the fruit by light frost be beset.
"
"when foes frame the argument, you
(if in favor of choice) will construe
their ""pro-life"" as a ruse
that they use to confuse;
you're for life, but with quality, too.
"
"in a cheongsam she looks really sleek,
all silky and slinky and chic.
her dress hugs every curve,
and its side slits preserve
an appeal that's both sly and oblique.
"
"what lies beneath heaven is earth,
and beneath the equator there's perth.
beneath bandaids are cuts,
and 'neath almond trees, nuts,
but beneath momma's muumuu?just girth.
"
"warren burger, high man on the court,
was so hungry he had to resort
to a burger and fries,
but the cook was unwise.
claimed the justice, ""you're one pickle short!""
"
"see her hold her chin high. seems her angle
is class and control; she won't mangle
her grammar. believe in
her writing, where even
participial phrases don't dangle.
"
"jerks are cruisin' for a bruisin' right now;
see 'em elbow and push and then plow
their way right through the line
that's been waiting since nine
to buy rolling stones tickets?hey! pow!
"
"conveying the sound of a bee
isn't hard (and it's spelled b-z-z).
listen closely; don't miss
how bees bzz just like this:
with vibrations in wings you can see.
"
"if you keep driving up and down main,
the cops will give a ticket. in vain,
you can argue your rights,
but on saturday nights
they enforce a stop cruising! campaign.
"
"my ex's things put at the curb
in revenge, i then posted a blurb
reading, ""curb alert, friends,
it's all free! leave the benz?
and the occupants, do not disturb.""
"
"bipolar? that label's a bore!
cyclothymia's less of a snore.
it's a milder condition
my moody physician
insists should be known much, much more.
"
"outsourcing, tech workers complain,
makes their loss now south india's gain.
bangalore's it smarts
help to run software parts,
but it's still a big gnp drain.
"
"at lafayette park they collided
while jogging. once bruises subsided,
their blossoming love
gave a push (she laughs: shove!)
to the jeweler's where rings are decided.
"
"dactylographers search for a hint
that a fingertip leaving a print
will match perps to a crime.
""i've found lots in my time,""
says one expert. ""the downside? my squint.""
"
"taking quizzes, her phrases were not
s'posed to dangle like this piece of rot.
participial phrases
won't earn her prof's praises
'less they (and she) find the right spot.
"
"apollo loves daphne to ruin,
but daphne's like, ""hey?nothin' doin'!""
he chases; she flees,
becomes one with the trees.
he finds tree huggin' nothin' like wooin'.
"
"my mom says we don't have the means
to buy every hot brand that tempts teens.
so although we're not poor,
diesel's out, and she's sure
i'll survive in my 501 jeans.
"
"czechoslovakia's not
a republic these days?you forgot?
it's slovakia and
czech republic; they planned
a velvet divorce (none were shot).
"
"actuarially, one of us writes
statistics on internet sites.
computing the risks
for insurance, he tsks;
he'd rather put limericks in bytes.
"
"would washington wear a bag-wig?
no, he wouldn't; he cared not a fig
for a ponytail bagged
in black silk. georgie bragged,
""i'm no whig and won't wear one, you dig?""
"
"in the fifties, freed spun rock 'n' roll,
and the big beat teens danced to had soul.
with its backbeat so strong,
white kids grooved right along,
but some racists feared loss of control.
"
"her new agency offered more pay
and more clout (she says). we won't convey
the fact that she rankled
the firm that she ankled
and tried to steal clients away.
"
"from the crow's nest up top of the mast,
the ship's lookout peers westward. at last?
past the ocean's salt spray?
is that land? the crew pray
they make landfall afore the month's passed.
"
"that new punk band we signed i can feel
won't stay niche; they'll have huge mass appeal.
give 'em hymns, dress 'em sporty;
they'll break the top 40
as crossover artists?ideal!
"
"shopping used to be such a big chore?
drive from butcher to baker and more,
so from main street we fled
to buy pesticides, bread,
even guns at the new big box store.
"
"aaron's sons, kohanim of the jews,
wore sashes in purple-blue hues.
priestly vestments round waists,
these abnets were placed
to be holy?but priests all skipped shoes.
"
"our antiproliferation rebukes
aim to limit the numbers of nukes,
while nonproliferation
claims nations' salvation
means keeping such weapons from kooks.
"
"your twin corpora cavernosa are fine;
if you want them enlarged, let's entwine.
yes, i'm being discreet,
unlike spammers who greet
you with ""inches you'll add ? eight or nine!""
"
"""where is the assistance? there's naught!""
cried a man whose whole family was caught
in tsunami waves vast?
cataclysmic?too fast
to flee tragedy nature had wrought.
"
"a new chopsocky film, a must-see,
features both jackie chan and jet li.
all their kicking and fighting
should be so exciting;
can't wait till it's on dvd.
"
"his attention span short as can be,
he fought while he earned his degree.
gaining impulse control,
staying mindful, his goal,
he succeeded despite add.
"
"what's an incense dispenser? a censer,
not a censor who'd castigate spenser
(who never wrote porn),
nor a sensor to warn
condensation has just become denser.
"
"the buck, said the prez, stops right here:
on the president's desk (or quite near).
now, the schmuck's out of luck
who went bang!  for the buck,
'cause his prank caused the white house to clear.
"
"that freshman cannot stand a storm.
astraphobic, she just can't perform
when there's thunder and lightning;
she finds it so frightening,
she'll ditch and stay safe in her dorm.
"
"las vegas ain't what you'd call dry,
not in liquor, leastwise, since they try
to keep bettors boozin'
(which helps 'em keep losin')
till, tapped out, they bid town goodbye.
"
"on my windowsill sat an aeonium
doing nothing until pandemonium
(a rare thing with plants)
broke out; lots of ants
attacked that and my pink pelargonium.
"
"aids is the scourge of our time;
that it still kills so many's a crime.
with no cure still the rule,
have safe sex (meaning, you'll
use condoms) and live through your prime.
"
"the blue ice that shattered our ceiling
left a hole, stains and stench ? we're still reeling.
local press got the scoop:
""airline leaks frozen poop,
but won't pay so the family's appealing.""
"
"for computing, we now use the cloud.
download software? don't need much. we're wowed
that the uses we planned
are up there, on demand,
and to access them, just join the crowd.
"
"paparazzi?have prompted?disguise
by celebs?to avoid prying eyes.
with a teeny bikini,
huge shades, and a beanie,
one boldface-name blonde claims she tries.?
"
"all babies at birth get a score
for heart rate and color and more.
baby breathing okay?
soon the apgar will say. . .
perfect ten, after soaring from four!
"
"ahi is tuna; served seared,
it's delicious, but i think it's weird
that it tastes quite unlike
the canned kind that a tyke
eats on white bread that's mayonnaise-smeared.
"
"as they smooched in a fern bar,  she saw
adenophorus ferns; felt such awe,
squealed, ""my botany teacher
would love these! i'll reach her
by cell now,""  which stuck in his craw.
"
"though my belly may bulge, please don't judge.
though i've ordered cobb salad?don't nudge!
all its roquefort and bacon
don't mean i've forsaken
my diet (i've skipped eating fudge).
"
"i'm auditing classes for free.
no papers, no tests?not for me.
if my teachers don't praise me,
it won't even faze me,
but it's no way to earn a degree.
"
"my old mustang's in cherry condition;
i restored it to mint. my ambition
is to drive up the one
with the top down and sun
in my face; it's a summer tradition.
"
"he offered her cash; she said, ""no.""
""but you're?"" ""sir! now i really must go.
my debts aren't great
and besides, i've a date.""
so she abstinently turned down his dough.
"
"while rose donned worn armor, the franks
fast approached; time for goths to close ranks.
but swore hugh, ""our position
's endangered. permission
to leave her here, sir, since rose clanks.""
"
"dear abby, i thought i would write
to confess. please consider my plight:
i had sex with my ex;
we were drunk?it's complex.
please advise. signed, chagrined and contrite.
"
"""that dad-blasted door's stuck again!""
dear father, i did count to ten
before saying that word
(but i'd much have preferred
to shout ""damned door!"" and kick it). amen.
"
"the worth of marc's album's impugned
(could his autoharp not have been tuned?),
'cause a hairball the size
of the blarney stone lies
on the bar where my cat has just swooned.
"
"from the bathroom, there came a commotion:
seems her ring, as she'd smoothed on some lotion,
slipped and plunked in the bowl.
she yelled, ""damage control!""
he retrieved it. now that is devotion!
"
"howie's prototype vehicle tried
to fulfill army needs, but its ride?
bellies down?provoked laughter,
though led sometime after
to gains that the jeep would provide.
"
"the ophiologist claimed, ""any snake
in that lake can't be cottonmouth, jake!""
but the cottonmouth saw him
and wouldn't un-jaw him.
jake's take: that the ""expert"" was fake.
"
"he searched for his binky and blankie;
without them, she knew he'd be cranky.
he just stomped and he whined
while she sighed and opined,
""lover boy, you could suck on my hanky.""
"
"in iraq, our troops living in chus
have a/c, but they still get the blues.
chuville quarters are roomy,
but troops still feel gloomy
since news bush should use says we'll lose.
"
"i'm?to coin a phrase, dear?filthy rich:
got a sweetheart deal, scratched me an itch.
played the field, tied the knot;
when she left, she got squat.
now i'm back in the game ... forgot which.
"
"chantilly's whipped cream with vanilla;
on my pie i'll try just a scintilla
or i won't fit the gown
of chantilly lace (brown,
which i dyed just to match my chinchilla).
"
"the sweet canistel?eggfruit to you?
gets its name from its shape and gold hue.
this campechean native
turns up in creative
fare?eggfruit nog's one you don't chew.
"
"chinese restaurant syndrome's misnamed;
it's an msg problem untamed.
since its use is now rare,
diners ought to be fair:
chinese chefs shouldn't always be blamed.
"
"don't insist, when you talk to your teens,
they wear braces to hold up their jeans.
while their faces sport braces
and skin bracer traces,
they'll race to avoid parent screens.
"
"one closure's a zipper or snap;
one results when a bridge has a gap.
and one spells relief
from relationship grief?
if you'd only stop taking his crap.
"
"""now it's cj?"" she asked. ""'member me?""
a long pause.  then he spoke.  ""don't you see?
though i don't hold a grudge,
still, i'm now the chief judge?
please appeal somewhere else, rumor-free.""
"
"yells the drunk to the barkeep, ""hey, doc,
where's my drink?it's way past ten o'clock!""
doc comes up, knocks him cold.
drunk comes to; sighs,  ""i told
you to give me cold duck, not coldcock.""
"
"""the core of the problem's the apple,""
mused adam to eve. ""let's get snapple
to juice it and sell it.
if eden's gone, hell!  it
beats blaming that serpent in chapel.""
"
"actualization of self
ain't a theory just plucked off the shelf.
to accept one's real being
is actually freeing,
as maslow described it himself.
"
"cheyenne names an indian tribe,
a big town in wyoming one scribe
wrote a book about leaving,
and a series achieving
success, thanks to clint walker's vibe.
"
"at a hookah cafe, she'll be smokin'
tobacco through water (no jokin').
since she thinks that it's cooler,
inform her, don't  fool her ?
those water pipes still lead to croakin'.
"
"emanuel bronner made soap
clad in labels expressing his hope
that we'll grasp we're ""all-one!""
and his company's still run
sustainably, serving his scope.
"
"go-getters and slackers don't mix
'cause ambition will separate cliques.
while some zone on the tube,
others figure the cube
of four thousand, five hundred and six.
"
"most immigrants, red, white, or blue,
americanize, starting anew.
some adults keep old ways
while their kids heed the craze
to reject every old world taboo.
"
"at the end of his rope, eyeing pills,
he  considers his options: the bills
long past due . . . family gone . . .
hard to face one more dawn . . . .
still, hope's stubborn; a small mind-space stills.
"
"""these clay figures?sublime!  their display
is impressive, unlike art today,""
gushed the critic, well pleased.
but unschooled, he was teased,
having dubbed what he'd seen 'feat of klee'.
"
"an @reply tells folks on twitter
you're responding to tweets?you're no quitter.
you interact knowing
those tweets will keep going
till someone's got no time to fritter.
"
"critics hailed a?french chef as?incredible,
but?my?dinner? disaster?inedible!
there was?hair in my soupe;
in?pommes frites, rodent?poop,
and?my veau was old goat: unblanquetteable.
"
"once vinyl lps thrilled the ears
of folks now advanced in their years.
then came albums on tape,
then cds; now their shape
is electrons: some download from peers.
"
"a concept in library science
called aboutness prompts some folks'  defiance.
if they wanted to look
up some boring old book,
just on subject they'd put their reliance.
"
"if you have it, in spirit and letter,
to a wake you won't wear a tight sweater.
and discretion is what
keeps your mouth sometimes shut,
and of valor, the part?that's the?better.
"
"you'll eat bluefin, bonito or 'jack
or ahi; they make your lips smack.
any tuna you eat
you'd consider a treat,
but white albacore's my favorite snack.
"
"dirty tricks have corrupted elections,
with their lies spread to trigger defections
from one party's voters
(remember swift boaters?)
and snuck in too late for corrections.
"
"watching dialing for dollars: pass?,
since it's touch-tone we use every day.
though that old tv show
doesn't still pass out dough,
thanks to janis, it's kept some cachet.
"
"during math tests,?i shrink from distractions,
like smells that provoke strong reactions.
but a?fart one row back
knocked?my brain out of whack,
so i?screwed up the section on?fractions.
"
"gossip columnists write all about 'em;
some pay publicists just not to tout 'em.
boldface names are celebs
and when their fame ebbs,
we discover we can live without 'em.
"
"that memo?just send it asap!
don't dawdle, and don't take a nap.
it needs to be sent
'fore a cent can be spent
on our house (aka money trap).
"
"ectoplasmically, mac hopes to haunt
every ex who once got off a taunt
(like, ""it's not me, it's you"")
as a ghost passing through
not just walls but the bodies they'd flaunt.
"
"a sign, e-a-t, meant our quest
for refreshment while traveling west
was (for then) at an end,
but we couldn't pretend
that this greasy spoon's grub had impressed.
"
"a dirty mouth,?not washed with soap,
brought a comic fame, troubled by dope.
he gained worldwide?attention
to a?[bleeped]-up dimension:
lenny bruce (as opposed to bob hope).
"
"when a mouse would dart out near her bed,
she'd cry ""eek!"" out of fear, shock and dread?
at least, back in her youth.
now her speech is uncouth
(""holy crap!"") and she whacks them instead.
"
"an elegant lass from detroit
thought her taste and her class she'd exploit.
but her tony, chic shoppe
was soon panned as a floppe
since her spelling was so maladroit.
"
"michael just beat the rap for a crime,
so he's free and won't have to do time.
though his fame seems to last,
alas; big hits are past,
so he'll lip-sync to ""beat it"" in mime.
"
"""all clear"" is the signal he can
emerge from his hideout and scan
to see danger has passed.
he escaped our vast blast,
drat his luck and his well thought-out plan.
"
"though he'd scarcely had money for rent,
the doss house still made him lament
just how poor he'd become,
that he'd bed down with scum
in a room that so marked his descent.
"
"the oak duff that decays on the floor
of the forest sports mushrooms galore.
so please get off your duff,
bring your baskets and stuff,
and we'll gather the kind you adore.
"
"these succulent plants can defend
themselves well from a premature end.
the sharp spines on their leaves
will deter most plant thieves;
with agaves, crooks cannot contend.
"
"autumn begins every year
at an equinox. then days appear
to shorten real fast
like a life's span at last,
when old age makes each day grow more dear.
"
"""from the top,"" he said. ""do it again!""
this audition would end, who knows when.
""and this time, please try
for some tears in your eye
when, as barbie, you wave 'bye to ken.""
"
"with slurs sexist and racist, he had
pushed buttons that made folks so mad
that, in fallout thus mired,
don imus got fired.
he's gone from the airwaves; we're glad.
"
"my bursa blew up; hurt so bad
that i overcame fear and i had
the doctor both drain it
and (let him explain it):
""shoot cortisone there?just a tad.""
"
"when circuit boards haven't much space,
bgas are a form you'll embrace.
every ball grid array
connects chips in a way
that you'll squeeze many more into place.
"
"when you're hillary, some are obsessed
with your views?but your cleavage, your chest?
a tasteful brief peek
at what's usually chic
when you're running for office: suppressed!
"
"no one else was as cute in those ears?
even now, though it's been many years.
our mouseketeer friend,
dear annette, let us send
all good thoughts for your health, from your peers.
"
"there were runners on base, first and third.
'fore the crack of a bat could be heard,
the guy on third ran,
stealing home?what a man!?
while the pitcher, too late, flipped a bird.
"
"whether condoms you purchase for sex,
or salsa for flavors tex-mex,
goods that hucksters tout ""buy!
new! improved! you must try!""
are not the ones labeled brand x.
"
"wild songbirds they'd rather hear tweet
than be poached and then served up as meat.
this cypriot custom
will always disgust 'em:
ambelopoulia they never will eat.
"
".cz is a code or domain
for internet sites. don't complain
that this new czech address
was at one time .cs,
and its use took a while to wane.
"
"for chicken soup, first steal a chicken.
then pluck it and wave it to thicken
a cauldron of water.
when finished, it oughter
cure six sikhs, seven jews, and one wiccan.
"
"a bathysiderodromophobe,
i have traveled all over the globe.
it's just subways i fear;
of the tube i steer clear.
don't know why; i'm too frightened to probe.
"
"it's not manly, black culture declares,
for brothas to hook up in pairs.
so while outwardly straight,
on the down low they'll date,
having secretive dl affairs.
"
"her profile and photos all lie
to allure some nice, too-trusting guy.
she's not real; he's deceived.
he's been catfished; aggrieved
and now lovelorn, he'll never know why.
"
"ten techniques you can learn really quick!
breathless headlines like that make you click
on junk stories, increasing
web page views. unceasing,
such clickbait's a time-sucking trick.
"
"his identity can't ensure bliss,
but life's smoother for those who are cis.
his birth gender's a fit
which he'd change not a whit;
his self-image in no way's amiss.
"
"alliteratively, alex had asked,
""four francs for frank's fruity fizz flasked?""
faxed frank, ""you use euros?
and six, since health bureaus
insist we not sell the fizz casked.""
"
"is an alienator just tripe,
like a movie that arnold would hype?
nope, it means someone who
estranges his crew
and gives them all reason to gripe.
"
"a unibrowed star from pawtucket
made a salon appointment; said, ""pluck it!
i've closed playing frida;
as carmen, i need a
new look, and i'll pay you a ducat.""
"
"pity the prisoner acquitted
yet imprisoned still, till he'd submitted
to the sheriff a fee
as his price to be free:
'twas a bar fee, by custom permitted.
"
"i keep bubbling in the wrong circle,
and fear this unfortunate quirk'll
mean failing each test.
multi-choice has me stressed?
if i flunk out, what follows? hope work'll.
"
"when a bumblebee vibrates its wings,?
it sonicates, shivering those things?
till the pollen shakes free.?
pollination (buzz), see,
also keeps bees too busy for stings.
"
"a young thespian living in bisbee
grew bored playing ultimate frisbee.
""i'm feeling malaise?
what this town needs are plays,
so when will the tour of les mis be?""
"
"when it comes to bouquets, you're fastidious;
every flower you choose is chlamydeous.
you refuse to extol a
bloom lacking corolla
or calyx; you claim they're all hideous.
"
"if a bright-line rule's made by a court,
future issues are easy to sort:
they're not muddy or gray,
but quite clear-cut, so they
take less court time by keeping it short.
"
"amnesiacs get in a rut,
at a loss to remember . . . but what?
from a blow on the head
or emotional dread,
things that should be sharp aren't clear-cut.
"
"when the queen bee insists that they date,
drones will try to decline, citing fate:
""while we'd love to have sex,
we know we'll be wrecks
since you rip out our organs to mate.""
"
"all the nitwits who read only drivel,
instead of reportage on civil
unrest in some 'burb
or op-eds that perturb,
have caused news circulation to shrivel.
"
"the acting coach thought it astute
to time student clark kents: ""boys, the route
to achieve super heights
is change fast into tights:
now who'll slip on our class action suit?""
"
"the head arborist thrills when he sees
gold-and-red caesalpinia trees.
birds of paradise tropical?
orationwise, topical?
boast flowers that still make him sneeze.
"
"my english friend mixed up his channels,
but santa barbara's don't prompt wearing flannels.
his islands off france
don't boast songs of romance
and they're governed by far fewer panels.
"
"from some limericks i wrote 'bout a guy,
a few readers deduced that i'm shy.
autobiographical?
heck, no! that's just laughable.
(i sure won't tell all till i die.)
"
"clarice, just be strong; don't you fright.
you must learn what we need?start tonight.
even though dr. lecter
will goad, tease and hector,
his bark is much  worse than his bite.
"
"though some never see them revive,
after blazes, the burn species thrive.
to germinate, fire
is what they require;
when they bloom, the burnt hills come alive.
"
"""my stage fright's so bad i could puke!""
cried the squash. ""who'll believe i'm a duke?""
so the cucumber splashed him
with slushies and stashed him
offstage; now he's cool as a cuke.
"
"in black churches, when ministers preach,
the laity answers their speech.
exaltation rewards
their amens! and yes, lords!
as their call-and-response sustains each.
"
"the philosopher rolls in his grave;
two millennia's wisdom and they've
put it inside a cookie
you crack for a lookie:
""confucius say: oh, just behave!""
"
"backing vocalists bring extra zing
to the song the lead singer will sing.
the raelettes, led by ray
when he vamped ""what'd i say,""
all displayed that ineffable thing.
"
"if depression is making you cry,
you might take an ssri,
and it might be celexa;
melancholia wrecks a
man's life, so it's sure worth a try!
"
"what is ecocide? massive reduction
of environments subject to fluxion,
by war or pollution.
there's no restitution
to counter our planet's destruction.
"
"met annette? though she's cute, don't forget
how her eccrine glands fabricate sweat.
antiperspirant spray
she applies twice a day
doesn't help, it appears; she gets wet!
"
"poppa's factory's good at die casting.
he designed this new model contrasting
the protection of zinc
with soft satin that's pink
and, though pretty, is hardly long-lasting.
"
"in your thesis about muscoid flies,
please don't torture the truth or tell lies.
you will not face dismissal
if acrostichal bristle
is described as ""the rank that's most high.""
"
"who's the guy on the double bassoon?
i adore how he's playing that tune?
much more sexily, slower,
and a full octave lower
than the normal bassoon. watch me swoon!
"
"""should i tackle this problem statistically?
it won't help me,"" thought liz, realistically.
""with this word i am struck?
how to understand schmuck?""
liz should study the word cross-linguistically.
"
"the guy we arrested, it's plain,
had injected some drug in his vein.
there was ecgonine found
in his urine. i'm bound
to conclude he was using cocaine.
"
"among poets, ben's senior; he's dean.
he's the doyen, the leader who's been
at the head of the pack
since a long, long way back.
he's been featured in time magazine!
"
"after months of  tough work and hard plugging,
i've given up drinking and drugging.
no more booze, no more dope,
i'm reborn, and i hope
to replace those past pleasures with hugging.
"
"to go up to your flat i don't choose. ick!
we'd be subject to elevator music.
just one moment's enough
of that bland vapid stuff;
i'll be sick, as i'm not anacusic.
"
"my name was so long that it deviated
from the norm, so my stress i alleviated:
from brunhilde, i'm bea;
from gruhnhofferdam, gee.
now i'm b.g.?my name is abbreviated.
"
"my dad is from holland; he's dutch.
he loves tulips and windmills and such;
and he wears wooden shoes
when he's high on dutch booze,
so mom keeps him from drinking too much.
"
"on a long slender pole it was built,
with a lever that helped it to tilt.
what a cruel sort of tool
was the ducking (glub) stool,
making women atone for their guilt.
"
"i can feel jason's pain?i'm empathic.
his face, oddly shaped, is prognathic.
but he doesn't seem cowed
standing out in a crowd
and he's proud to be called polymathic.
"
"my friend seth is aesthetic, poetic,
but so filled with ennui, he's pathetic,
while his animated cousin
keeps everything buzzin'?
energetic, athletic, kinetic!
"
"his portrait of me is satirical,
not abstract nor romantic and lyrical.
he pictures me leering,
with a swastika earring?
the evidence here is empirical.
"
"need a well dug behind your new house?
well, my father finds water. he'll dowse.
""please pronounce the word dowz,""
you'll hear mother espouse.
dad's next line: ""pay no mind to my spouse!""
"
"buffy gushed: ""here's a plant we can push!
it's a bush from the lush hindu kush.""
then she flushed with a blush.
""when its leaflets i crush,
the mush makes a balm for my tush.""
"
"no one lives in this village today.
came the plague, all the folks went away.
let's empeople the town,
find a group to bed down,
get new residents?ones who will stay.
"
"when suzie complained of the blues,
and she sought to find solace in booze,
seymour empathized, feeling
her misery, reeling
as if he had walked in her shoes.
"
"when i cut through the trunk of the tree,
there was something quite puzzling to me.
though i'm only a layman,
i found the duramen?
the heartwood. it's dead wood, you see.
"
"add some numbers together; you'll find
totals growing as more are combined.
that will happen unless
some are negative?yes?
then the opposite...well, never mind.
"
"in europe they think this tree's fine,
and much better than white oak or pine.
the tree i invoke
is the durmast?an oak
from which barrels are made for fine wine.
"
"don't be shy; it's all right to divulge
that our cow shows a whopping big bulge?
so immense that you shudder?
in her large, drooping udder.
her milk i will have to emulge.
"
"i was timid and lacking in power.
in front of my betters, i'd cower,
but a lottery win
brought empowerment in
twenty minutes?at most, half an hour.
"
"every winter my brother appears
wearing earmuffs that cover his ears.
they are fluffy and red,
and they clamp to his head.
i've no clue as to how the guy hears.
"
"to espy this bird isn't a cinch;
it's a black nectarivorous finch.
though to live birds it's linked,
seems the mamo's extinct.
genus drepanis? fate makes me flinch.
"
"since we humans evolved handy bimanalism,
we've had habits, and favor regiminalism.
but if high on our docket's
the picking of pockets,
we're  delinquents and thieves, prone to criminalism.
"
"to appear empathetic, one needs
to convince us one's heart really bleeds
for the fellow who bares
all his sorrows and cares.
though it's phony, this method succeeds.
"
"said the captain, ""you men must surround
yonder embassy. then we can pound
all its buildings with shells.
the ambassador dwells
in that compound, so there he'll be found.""
"
"let your voice be a gentle caress,
speaking softly, my darling, unless
there's a point you must make.
then speak up for god's sake.
what you'd emphasize?that you must stress.
"
"""diagnosticate, doc, diagnose,
so you'll know the appropriate dose
of a drug that will save me!""
the answer he gave me:
""i'm doubtful."" ""hell, try to come close!""
"
"there's no need for your dire apprehension.
we've a star who grabs public attention.
she's a drawing card, so
i'm convinced that our show
will win gold at the boy scouts' convention.
"
" easy money is funny, you know.
without effort, your wealth seems to grow,
but you'll find there's a catch
to each dollar you snatch.
easy come has its match: easy go.
"
"dunkin' donuts sells stuff i adore:
donuts, muffins, hot coffee, and more.
hell, you know what i mean?
sugar, fats and caffeine.
heaven help me stay out of that store!
"
"here in paris, the home of romance,
there's the arc de triomphe?take a glance.
what's the monument for?
seems it glorifies war,
so i'm looking at france?well?askance.
"
"dusky salamanders often meander
near this stream, so let's both take a gander
at these dark slimy creatures
with many gross features...
 i express this, my friend, with great candor.
"
"the cpi raise? it protects
his retirement, so hector expects
it's his country's intention
to beef up his pension
and social security checks.
"
"""i received ect,""  explained jane,
""and i felt no discomfort or pain.
i've become less depressed,
less obsessed and distressed,
thanks to current applied to my brain.""
"
"in flatbush da kid raised a clamma,
but still spent da night in da slamma;
""yer ten years and five,
and yer too young ta drive.
dooya tink dis is what, alabama?""
"
"if ""a whole nother story"" you need
(that's another whole story), pay heed:
our english another
cites m.e. ""one other"",
so nother's no word, no indeed.
"
"if your symphony cries out to mourn,
score an oboe; perhaps english horn.
for a sound very low
in the double-reed row,
the bassoon has a tone quite forlorn.
"
"when i go into town for a meeting,
or to catch me some fresh cajun eating,
my swamp must be showing;
they peg me, all-knowing:
""how's bayou?"" is often the greeting.
"
"a fan of ballet is my gal ?
of the nutcracker, swan lake, et al.
my preference stylistic?
that more paganistic
ballet that they call bacchanale.
"
"a bacteriotoxin's a drug
that will kill a bacterial bug.
it is also a term
for the stuff from the germ
that will knock you down flat on the rug.
"
"although looking it up is a pain,
a word's meaning i must ascertain;
but once it's defined
the word's stuck in my mind,
for usage again and again.
"
"a ""knock, knock!"" joke dear to my dad,
was old when he told it, and bad.
""who's there?"" i'd reply
to the fourth time he'd try.
""not banana, now orange you glad?""
"
"dissecting a man, anthropotomy,
is beyond a mere frontal lobotomy.
at home, my wife tried it;
it can't be denied, it
sure shows she must not think a lot o' me.
"
"with the glint in his eye astronomical,
sam snuck in the lab anatomical;
cadavers, dissected,
he slyly connected
in ways all exceedingly comical.
"
"take an artichoke, carefully skin it;
in the microwave, warm it a minute.
it's light green and pasty
and usually tasty?
but not if its heart isn't in it.
"
"the bedlamite told me a story
regarding a spongiform lorry
with pencils for vents.
it lacked any sense:
a case of advanced amphigory.
"
"suspending himself from the apse
of st. paul's cathedral, perhaps,
was silly of wren,
but no other men
would test if the dome would collapse.
"
"old age, to be sure, can be frightening:
your blood pressure's subject to heightening.
in this state of senescence,
comes also albescence:
your hair and eyelashes start whitening.
"
"the clerk who dipped into the till
saw his wealth increase skyward from nil:
a proud nouveau riche!
until an affiche
was posted: a ""most-wanted"" bill.
"
"on the ferry 'cross delaware bay
i'm expecting a saline bouquet,
but the dupont emission
is beyond recognition
in the mist all the way to cape may.
"
"it's a spacious sedan, but it's shot.
it won't move, still it's big as a yacht.
you can sleep, you can eat
in it, plant the back seat ?
as a place for carcooning, why not?
"
"his bankroll was hale and robust
'til they caught him in gross breach of trust.
he was jailed and assailed;
now his future's derailed.
he's surviving on decimal dust.
"
"a distinguished old fordham professor
had become quite the coeds' confessor,
but when snooping around,
in his bedroom one found
a collection of thongs in his dresser.
"
"the lugubrious parrot of lore
pined dolefully, perched by his door.
he just couldn't keep 'er?
he blamed the grim reaper,
and banished her back to the store.
"
"as the sovereign surveyed his domain,
its contraction befuddled his brain.
they'd whittled him down
state by state, town by town ?
what was russia had shrunk to bahrain.
"
"i recall long ago being thrilled
doing hobbies at which i was skilled;
but i put them on back
burners, losing my knack
and leaving my dreams unfulfilled.
"
"it's an honor that fits like a glove:
famous actors receiving above-
the-title laudation;
a film name's location
comes after the actors we love.
"
"in the garden of eden one night,
horny eve, with no fig leaf in sight,
asked, ""you wanna give in
to that sweet taste of sin?""
exclaimed adam, enamored, ""i'll bite!""
"
"don't tell me again, or once more,
to pick up my clothes off the floor.
i'll be dragging my feet
the more you repeat,
till your pleas i will simply ignore.
"
"antiliterate views are a blight.
there are black kids who think it's all right
to shun education.
the stagnant, low-station
result, they say, beats ""acting white.""
"
"some church-going folks have no qualms
with passing a plate to give alms.
yet these same folks retreat
when they see on the street
a beggar with up-facing palms.
"
"with wisdom and custom implanted,
hebrew blessings, brachot, must be chanted.
over bread, over wine,
each bracha, 'fore we dine,
helps avoid taking good things for granted.
"
"to avalon we travel for fun,
but san nicolas island we shun.
san clemente and nic,
navy-owned, ain't my pick
'cause i haven't a missile or gun.
"
"in one day, he will binge-watch and see
season four's last ten shows aired of glee.
""you still watch,"" he will sneer,
""week to week? so last year!
i now choose when to watch my tv.""
"
"said the church, ""you're a heretic?go!""
galileo took that as a blow.
after death, vindication
might have caused celebration,
but the church's one-eighty was slow.
"
"the corpse flower's quite a rare plant;
it's huge, and it stinks?that i grant.
its phallic appearance
and need for tall clearance
lure tourists who smell it and rant.
"
"in the channel, the chop was so strong;
still i sailed, drawing strength from the song.
the ""isle of romance""
i could see at a glance:
catalina i'd reach ere too long.
"
"chiaroscuro in paintings he made
showed such masterful brilliance with shade
contrasting with light,
no one's since reached the height
rembrandt's genius with shadows displayed.
"
"agapanthus: from south of the nile,
these lilies are quite versatile.
their summery blooms
brought inside brighten rooms,
but in winter, they're gone for a while.
"
"affinity groups on the net
are those who share interests and whet
a desire to learn
all about a concern,
and a few meet in person, i'd bet.
"
"a chaplain, howell forgy by name,
praised god, then he asked men to aim
with passed ammunition.
soon, this admonition
secured him great public acclaim.
"
"new alphabet letters gained ground
when they formed from a picture's first sound.
that's acrology's trick:
use sound one from a pic?
just say ""em"" upon ""reading"" a mound.
"
"aculeated plants slyly strike;
so in deserts, take care as you hike.
should a prickly pear get you,
i'm willing to bet you
there's nothing about them you'd like.
"
"the herb agrimony often is brewed
as a homeopathic-type food.
to ease ague or bites,
or calm colicky nights,
simply sip it ? you'll soon be renewed.
"
"sandy clay that's commixed in bank gravel
makes it gravel that's rough to unravel.
after sieving and spreading,
it's rural road bedding:
a deposit to bank on for travel.
"
"""the platypus, class, is one creature
who is duck-billed, a very strange feature.
for sure there are more:
like dinosaurs (four)
and a rarely seen fish,"" preached my teacher.
"
"agrimonia: some act like lice.
herbs are lousy? that's not very nice.
the seeds of these plants
will stick tight to your pants,
so ""avoid them!"" is dandy advice.
"
"drawn-out snouts mark chinese paddlefishes.
they find other fishes delicious.
there isn't much doubt
that p. gladius died out;
for their riverine prey, that's propitious.
"
"a rich eleemosynary gift
can save those whose hard lives are adrift.
the downhearted get hope,
and the drowning a rope.
for the giver? an ""ain't i great!"" lift.
"
"gauging power is easy indeed:
a dynamometer's all that you need.
hook one to the rotor
of your engine or motor
to find torque and rotational speed.
"
"in accordance with aunt hattie's will,
there are tasks that i first must fulfill
if i'm to inherit
the swag and not share it.
no sweat!  tell me who do i kill?
"
"the clothes of today's adolescents
are cursed with nonstop obsolescence.
what fit well last week,
on a growing physique,
is now rendered too small by accrescense.
"
"to adjudicate, clearly, in short
means to settle one's problems in court.
it once was a way
to put truth on display.
today it's our favorite sport!
"
"the chef's open house was a way
to put his cuisine on display.
the price of admittance
was barely a pittance,
just enough to keep deadbeats away.
"
"in writing, the act of creation
is often just mere transformation.
if this limerick, say,
were turned into a play,
that would make for a strange adaptation!
"
"every time that you happen to find
that the 8-ball, again, you're behind,
good sense should suffice,
so why ask my advice
when you've already made up your mind?
"
"my diet is not so restrictive;
i don't find it over-afflictive.
you say, ""give up fat?""
i can do without that,
but chocolate is much too addictive.
"
"in iraq it is wrong to expose
female flesh from her head to her toes.
to cher, hussein pleaded,
""c'mon over, you're needed!
abaya a new set of clothes!""
"
"affectionate dogs are a blessing.
they're never downbeat or depressing.
their love is sincere
as they're licking your ear.
if you have one, you're lucky, i'm guessing.
"
"a long time back anne of cleves wedded
king henry viii but she dreaded
his uncontrolled force.
she was granted divorce.
(two other wives wound up beheaded.)
"
"to be able just means you can do it.
have faith in your strength ? just go to it!
if you think that you can,
you can beat any man.
(it's surprising how few will see through it!)
"
"with abstemious, it's vital to see
moderation is clearly the key
in all eating and drinking.
(and despite my past thinking,
it's pronounced with a very long e.)
"
"abroach is a word well worth knowing
if off to a party you're going.
when done to a cask,
that is all you can ask
since it means that the wine will be flowing.
"
"an ace: what a tennis pro gains
when a point on one serve he attains.
or he might be an ace
as in ""king of airspace""
if he shoots down five enemy planes.
"
"an aal is a plant (this is clear)
which yields a red dye guys revere.
should you, fred, and ted
go to paint the town red,
sing out ""hail, hail, the gang is aal here!""
"
"allow me to say in my wry way,
please don't disagree with what i say.
who's wrong and who's right
shouldn't cause us to fight.
whenever in doubt, do it my way!
"
"shirley temple, it's certain, has backers
to shield her from irate attackers.
i'm one of the latter.
no song makes me madder
than that tripe about animal crackers!
"
"i had thought that i wanted to wed her.
alas!  now i won't even bed her.
she said, ""would you please
buy american cheese?
i like it much better than cheddar.""
"
"i cautioned my swedish maid inga,
""take care when you feed the anhinga.
that fish-eating bird
is bad-tempered, you've heard.
watch out or he might grab your finga.""
"
"the board of a large university
decided they needed diversity.
they recruited the best
of the wealthy and blessed
and others who'd seen great adversity.
"
"in new york, freshman senator hillary
is not a big fan of artillery.
""our foes we should fight
with diplomacy.""  (right!
and the army is just an ancillary!)
"
"animato you use just in case
you want to say, ""pick up the pace!
the tempo you're choosing
has everyone snoozing.
they're napping all over the place!""
"
"anisette's a liqueur you can savor
with a licorice-aniseed flavor.
give a bottle of this
to some suitable miss
and who knows how she'll pay back the favor.
"
"you weigh half a ton.  it would seem
you're no one's ideal, no one's dream.
but it can't be disputed
you're immensely well-suited
to anchor a tug-of-war team.
"
"the abacus is a device
that does math in ways strictly precise.
its works are holistic,
with a form as simplistic
as a toy that is pure fisher-price.
"
"although you may think that it's dumb,
this custom is practiced by some.
whenever they're able,
they bypass the table
and recline when they eat.  they accumb.
"
"a young tourist decided to go
on a mexican holiday so
he could lie in the sand
and then really get tanned.
acapulco was perfect, you know!
"
"a judge who's dishonest and venal
may find himself doing time penal,
a fact unrelated
to glands situated
near the kidneys and known as adrenal.
"
"when questioned and under duress
and you don't want to say the word ""yes,""
hear the facts of the case,
then put on a straight face
and simply say, ""i acquiesce.""
"
"the toughest damn insect you'll see
is the africanized honeybee.
in numbers excessive
they're fiercely aggressive.
if you see some, become absentee!
"
"""lincoln's dead,"" said walt disney laconically,
""but that can be solved electronically.""
though abe's up in heaven,
his ""four score and seven""
goes on.  he speaks animatronically.
"
"""for a total of five thousand bucks,""
said the host of the quiz show deluxe,
""what is anas?"" and so
i said, ""life?""  he said, ""no,
it's a genus of freshwater ducks.""
"
"after surgery, i am ecstatic!
my eyesight's no longer erratic.
the doctors all say,
""throw your glasses away.
your eyes are now anastigmatic.""
"
"my sister?  there's no one forlorner,
so i felt it my duty to warn her:
""you're perceptive.""  i said,
""we have rough times ahead.
asperity's just 'round the corner.""
"
"a gypsy with hair to her knees
said, ""your future for ten dollars, please.""
she gave me assurance
i'd have the endurance
to see this book through to the z's.
"
"anecdotalists deal in the riches
of language.  they're glib sons-a-bitches.
they speak anecdotally;
we laugh at them totally;
their anecdotes leave us in stitches!
"
"we agnostics feel humans can't tell
of the workings of heaven or hell.
i suspect that a man
with an ""in"" to god's plan
is both wrong and deluded as well.
"
"each limerick here is an item,
and we've all made it clear we can write 'em.
in volumes! a score!
and then more upon more!
the work goes on ad infinitum!
"
"aeroponics, some farmers assert,
is a way to grow crops without dirt.
for a meal grown this way
there's a high price to pay,
plus another twelve bucks for dessert!
"
"adenosis enlarges a gland.
it's marked (just so you understand)
by abnormal formation
or calcification,
and it's worse when it gets out of hand.
"
"my speech is, i'd say, unassumin'.
i speak like the average human.
some acrolects say
that ac-ya-men's ok,
but i always go for a-kyoo-min.
"
"when dealing with bisexuality,
keep in touch with prevailing morality.
the world has gone screwy
so be like jim bowie:
remember the alamodality!
"
"the farmer who sits in an armchair
and prays the most reverent farm prayer
from morning to night
with no work done on site
will be doing significant harm there.
"
"most people are straight, you'll agree,
while a gay life fits some to a t,
but i'm a fatality
of asexuality
since neither sex does it for me.
"
"her passion i tried to ignite
with words that were sure to excite.
i spoke very movingly,
she listened approvingly.
(well, guess who got lucky that night!)
"
"the conductor, the grand comandante
of the orchestra, signalled ""andante,""
but a pair of bassoons
played some double-time tunes,
and their maestro?  his mood turned picante.
"
"they assured me my canine was trainable
and amazing results were obtainable.
they've had my dumb chow
for eight months or so now.
no progress has been ascertainable.
"
"though there's finance and microbiology,
and physics and art and theology,
to the best of my knowledge
no respectable college
today gives degrees in astrology.
"
"afghanistan's totally sodden
with the blood of the poor and downtrodden.
to survive there is hard
in the spacious back yard
of that bastard osama bin laden.
"
"when longing for treats hot and steamy,
a wild westerner's thoughts could turn seamy.
""is that, davy crockett,
an aardvark in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?""
"
"an admirable bird dressed for show,
the penguin loves water and snow;
an avian exotic,
it swims the antotic
and knows how to go with the floe.
"
"a wealthy old codger named frank
was a miser of top-level rank;
he had money to hide:
dug a hole riverside,
and then put all his cash in the bank.
"
"that his bod has no peer, no dispute;
it's an absolute icon, to boot.
but to get there he spent
almost every last cent.
there's no question, he's built abs o' loot.
"
"in math class, jack's stomach relaxes;
in grammar, his stress level waxes;
x, y, and z, jack sees
form three major axes,
but ""ax"" plus an ""axe"" gives him axes.
"
"dactyl dave thought his limericks blessed,
but his dah-dit-dit leaves us all stressed;
dit-dit-dah's the beat, dave,
so go back to your cave;
you're no poet: you're bad, an' a pest.
"
"my life has a sameness quotidian;
the chores are done antemeridian.
come noontime, i'm ready
to go see my steady,
play bingo 'til dinner with gideon.
"
"the limericks are primo, of course:
the oedilf is a skilled tour de force.
every word that's defined
is forever enshrined
in this all-around reference source.
"
"address harvester?that's what i am.
you don't like it?  i don't give a damn!
you ask what i do?
i find people like you
on the net who don't get enough spam!
"
"from its looks, i could clearly deduce
that this diner was once a caboose.
now no longer on tracks,
it's a place to buy snacks
through what's known as adaptive reuse.
"
"if your prayer is in true recognition
of your sins and you take the position
that you earnestly swear
you'll do better, that prayer
is what's known as an act of contrition.
"
"my mother dropped strict fundamentalism
when her guru embraced transcendentalism.
he said, ""listen to this:
life is not hit-or-miss.""
she exclaimed, ""you've defamed accidentalism!""
"
"in a chat with a wrestler named claude,
i remarked, ""in the states we applaud
how you time and again
can pin so many men!
have you ever, though, wrestled abroad?""
"
"although life is with color ablaze,
achromatopsia kills these displays.
it's a curse, you'll agree,
since the most you will see
is a world filled with whites, blacks, and grays.
"
"""in quinine, sort pandas neglected
egyptian rotund undetected?
forsooth!  elbow batter
in ivory fatter.""
(allolalia:  speech disconnected.)
"
"she deals in the deepest abstraction
while he's barely mastered subtraction.
they're like night and day,
yet together they stay.
i just don't understand the attraction.
"
"the paralysis known as alalia?
your vocal cords sadly will failia.
if you've got it, give thanks
(though you're speaking in blanks)
that it doesn't affect genitalia.
"
"both his arms hang down well past his knees
and he'll offer to groom you for fleas.
while this apishness is
a prime drawback of his,
he's unequaled at climbing in trees.
"
"wooden statues can not last forever;
frail fingers and toes crack and sever.
marble digits, terrific!
the word's acrolithic?
those sculptors were deucedly clever!
"
"amo and amas and amat ?
the three stooges?  why no, they are not.
they're a verb's conjugation:
i, you, he loves ? translation
from latin.  the rest i forgot.
"
"if you're acrocyanotic, boo hoo.
you have colorful troubles in you.
if your race is caucasian
or light-skinned eurasian,
you're flying the red, white, and blue.
"
"old scrooge was despitous, despiteful,
and despiteous long after nightfall.
christmas ghosts heard his groans
so they jumped on his bones ?
his nocturnal remission was frightful.
"
"that great racket you're hearing is not a bus.
oh my god, it's a big hippopotamus!
yummy dinner for two ?
we'll have hippo fondue.
let's sneak up and we'll make him dichotomous.
"
"said the prof, ""with a valence of two,
copper's salts are called cupric, and you
should write cu++
and begin to discuss
why a lot of its compounds are blue.""
"
"it evokes a scene right out of psycho ?
emergency surgery crico-
thyroidotomy.  heck ?
it's a pain in the neck,
a hole 'neath your stately van dyke-o.
"
"your next patient must have a loose screw;
how'd she get her head crusted in goo?
you can give her degreaser,
which helps to release her.
and tell her to wash with shampoo.
"
"how i feel the abstentionist's pain!
his refusals can drive him insane.
he won't drink or admit
having sex is legit;
it is all he can do to abstain.
"
"betsy ross said, ""oh george, i'm ecstatic!
i've got three bolts of cloth in my attic,
so the red white & blue
won't be missing a hue,
and our flag won't turn out dichromatic!""
"
"in basketball, any quintet
that i play for expresses regret.
""what a jerk,"" they say, ""this is!""
as every shot misses
the backboard, the rim, and the net.
"
"she said that she'd always be mine,
that our love would be always divine,
but she left and it's galling
how always i'm falling
each time for that same sorry line.
"
"first some flour and egg whites you take.
add some sugar, stir briskly, and bake.
then allow it to cool.
it'll cause you to drool,
this dessert known as angel food cake.
"
"the dysfunction that's known as acrania
is no mental disorder or mania.
it's not ""all in your head.""
it's what's not there instead.
with no skull bone, life's far from mundania.
"
"the weatherman notes with a frown,
""the air quality index is 'brown.'
since we don't support trees
but we love suvs,
it's a cinch it'll only go down.""
"
"i've played jazz.  i've played reggae and swing.
this and more.  air guitar is my thing.
thirty years in the biz
and the strangest thing is
i have never once broken a string!
"
"your addiction persists 'round the clock
and your cravings, you say, you can't block.
you've got needs hyperbolic?
just pick your -aholic
there's alc-, shop-, work-, food-, sex-, and choc-.
"
"the way my head shines is enraging!
my hair was once long and engaging.
my love life's the pits
and my doctor says it's
all a part of the process of aging.
"
"advent sunday, from here to atlanta,
means a new year begins and we grant a
degree of respect
to the church but suspect
that for most it means ""four weeks to santa!""
"
"i own thousands of acres, all arable,
but the bills coming in are unbearable.
when no rain's coming down
and your crops all turn brown,
the life of a farmer is terrible!
"
"though you're told that it's good to eat fish,
it could well be a dangerous dish.
you'll get toxins for free
from the tons of debris
that are dumped in lake erie and mich.
"
"she's obnoxious, repulsive, macabre;
she's a nauseous, contemptible slob;
when she sweats or she shrieks
her disgustingness speaks.
so how is it she makes my heart throb?
"
"i'm in deep, can't get out ? out, brief candle!
my hour on stage i can't handle.
macbeth is my name,
a poor player aflame.
dusty death is the price for my scandal.
"
"mucous membranes are known for their ooze,
and their dampness and slime don't amuse.
opt for demucosation,
a slick operation;
take them out when they drip on your shoes.
"
"o giant james dean, we cry out!
east of eden and rebel without
a cause left us thrilled ?
why'd you have to get killed?
now you're gone, but your fans are devout.
"
"best refuse to go out to catch snakes
if you think you don't have what it takes.
maybe you can't express
disagreeableness,
but a rattler can give you the shakes.
"
"cyproheptadine's full appellation
has a dreadful syllabification.
but try some and see
just how sweet dreams can be.
hydrochloride completes the citation.
"
"it's not a big problem ? no pain,
having been diagnosed acrocran-
ic.  there's nothing to dread;
it means long in the head,
and it doesn't put strain on your brain.
"
"of all of the limericks come out o' me,
the hardest used cricothyroidotomy.
it won't fit, doncha know;
no such limerick will flow,
but i could have said cricothyrotomy.
"
"i once cherished american cheese;
i so wanted to put her at ease.
when she heard i'm velveeta,
she called me excreta
and treated me like a disease.
"
"the first line of this rhyme's not the title.
it only begins the recital.
the word is crossheading
and now we are getting
some knowledge about it that's vital.
"
"he depicted the passionate tryst,
he examined each turn and each twist.
he was glad to uncover
lady chatterly's lover:
d. h. lawrence, a true amorist.
"
"with amylogenesis flowing
(it's starch biosynthesis going),
the hungry devour
what's baked of the flour
from tubers and grains that were growing.
"
"cross-fertilization is prone
in some species when wild oats are sown.
when a plant on a shelf
cannot mate with itself,
its allogamous nature is known.
"
"when energy's down on the ground,
a marvelous state can be found.
this physicist's hero
is absolute zero,
and cause for champagne to be downed.
"
"the dogfish of erie looks funny;
the finger lake's bowfin costs money.
deny if you wish,
these are the same fish:
amia is fresh-water tunny.
"
"not long after photos began,
one ""type"" was a flash in the pan.
daguerre had a winner,
and tin-types were thinner,
so ambrotype's glass ""also-ran.""
"
"i witnessed the year with three zeroes,
my mind is much clearer than nero's.
i'm aelfric the abbot;
in english monk's habit
i study new testament heroes.
"
"amygdala, home of my fears,
and also of laughter and tears.
this almond-shaped grain
in the core of the brain
will remain enigmatic for years.
"
"they're fruits of the type known as ""pome,""
each a beaut, from delicious to rome.
eating one every day
keeps the doctor away.
i love apples, 'til worms make them home.
"
"when alchemists do distillation,
a staple of their occupation,
the alembic's the vessel
(not mortar and pestle)
where heat leads to that transformation.
"
"jurassic mosquitoes would blunder
and die sealed in sap that we plunder.
though nature is cruel,
each bright amber jewel
is a time-travel window of wonder.
"
"an acolyte asked of his master
the term for a god of disaster,
""...or the good and the new,
what's a god of that too?""
""ahura."" thus spake zoroaster.
"
"an amulet can be prosaic,
but can also be apotropaic;
when you wear one, some say,
it keeps evil at bay.
but i'd say that such views are archaic.
"
"i placed a small self-contained flat,
efficient and ""green,"" on the plat.
after feasting their eyes,
the arcology guys
saw the prize: ""can we city-size that?""
"
"i moved to a down-under state,
and there's no getting out of my fate.
the way that they speak
shouldn't sound quite so greek
when i finally acculturate, mate!
"
"the arroyo that furrows the plain
is a wash seldom washed by a rain,
but a downpour up-range
makes it deadly and strange ?
desert flood flashing by like a train.
"
"dynamical systems have laws
and sometimes they also have claws;
if equations you factor
approach an attractor,
the solution will end in its jaws.
"
"sola fide's their heretic creed:
faith alone to salvation can lead.
though the legalist clerks
tally all their good works,
antinomians still may succeed.
"
"astronomers are by vocation	
the mavens of classification.
when an aerolite lands,
lack of iron demands
that it came from beyond the space station.
"
"there once was an arrant young cad
so wholly, outstandingly bad,
his deeds such a torrent
of ill, that i'll warrant
a warrant outstanding he had.
"
"the diagram drawn by argand
in a polar-coordinate hand
isn't meant to perplex,
but the plane is complex
so at first you might not understand.	
"
"over airwaves they broadcast for free
to your radio and your tv,
but the gain has a cost:
who can measure what's lost
when incessant commercials you flee?
"
"i am crazy about ambiguity,
the surprising denotive gratuity,
like a layered haiku
or the logical goo
that's mistaken for mental acuity.
"
"when peary set out resolutely
for the north pole, he suffered acutely
from frostbite and sneezing,
temps far below freezing.
did he miss his warm bed? absolutely!
"
"achilles was short-changed, i feel.
his iliad life was surreal.
yet today this man's fame
is exceedingly lame,
reduced to a tendon and heel.
"
"a tv producer, if clever,
all bonds with live actors will sever
and find his salvation
in plain animation.
bart simpson will stay young forever!
"
"my pistol is loaded with ammo.
i could blow you away ? simply whammo!
so doctor, take care,
and be fully aware
that my least favorite -gram is the mammo-.
"
"though i'd say i'm a suitable male,
a relationship drought i bewail.
there's no women for me.
i'm acaudate, you see.
(it's a word meaning ""having no tail."")
"
"an angiosperm simply can't
get away from the likes of your aunt,
the one for whom gardening
keeps her arteries from hardening.
in short, it's a flowering plant.
"
"samson, although he could fascinate,
the philistines chose to abacinate.
they blistered his eyes
so it was no surprise
when a bunch of them he did assassinate.
"
"a costly electrical tool,
the attenuator follows this rule:
whopping signals go in
but emerge weak and thin?
like an amp that was built by a fool.
"
"that matter has atoms inside,
created the galaxy wide,
in the heart of a star
and brought here from afar,
is to me a great matter of pride.
"
"i'm condemned, without hearing a gavel;
with cement, they mixed aggregate (gravel).
i harbored no wishes
to sleep with the fishes,
but my shoes say ""have concrete: will travel.""
"
"i go armed to the teeth when i go;
with my weapons, i'll answer a blow.
but puzzles remain:
perhaps you can explain ?
why does everyone look like a foe?
"
"there were texans like travis who backed it.
davy crockett and loyalists packed it.
the defenders were wishin'
the alamo mission
would stand, but the mexicans sacked it.
"
"never try to divide the atomic,
'cause you can't, and to try would be comic,
and if you succeed
in this unlikely deed,
your career as a comic will bomb (ick!).
"
"in athanasy, spirits can't die,
but there's nothing to say they can't lie;
so i never give credence
to news from decedents
regarding the sweet by-and-by.
"
"i'm an atavist, just like before,
and my knuckles may drag on the floor,
but they called me a throwback,
so i'll never go back
to finishing school any more.
"
"n. bonaparte, essence of macho,
was born in the town of ajaccio.
this corsican, who
must have studied sun tzu,
turned his myriad foes to gazpacho.
"
"when mountains in frosty high places
see the sun going into dark spaces,
or, after long dark,
see the quickening spark,
then the alpenglow ruddies their faces.
"
"the aurorae they call borealis
coldly glow in an arctic ice-palace,
and i'll photograph sights
of these pale ""northern lights""
'til my finger develops a callus.
"
"i'm the autarch: i govern alone.
just how did i come by this throne?
was it breeding, or brains,
or my punctual trains,
or that no living rivals are known?
"
"the run-of-the-mill resurrectant
is normally very amplectant:
at support he must clasp
with a tendrilly grasp,
and of falling back down is expectant.
"
"if you start with a parallel line,
then you stretch, spin, or shift your design,
if it's parallel still,
though you warp as you will,
then your whole transformation's affine.
"
"i greet every day at its start
with a hymn, an aubade from my heart.
though my voice is a joke
(i'm a frog with a croak),
in my mind, i'm performing high art.
"
"don't pretend there is real competition;
these youngsters have naught but ambition.
you know i'm the best;
on my laurels, let's rest.
i suggest we just skip the audition.
"
"my augur has got a black eye?
does he think that i pay him to lie?
this whole schtick's for the birds:
first he mumbles some words,
then predicts that i'm still gonna die!
"
"the auger can bore a neat hole,
which i've proven on plank and on pole.
but to moles, proudly showing
this tool, is like going
to newcastle carrying coal.
"
"close at hand, you were fiery insistence,
and none could ignore your existence,
but magnitude, scaled
to absolute, paled
to a glimmer at 10 parsecs' distance.
"
"in the principle known as anthropic,
from the cosmic to most microscopic,
every bit is designed
to be best for mankind.
were it not, who'd be airing this topic?
"
"this abm treaty's sophistic.
what it asks for is unrealistic.
i challenge this notion:
if a missile's in motion,
how can it be antiballistic?
"
"at times it ain't nuanced or subtle
deciding 'tween neighbors just what'll
determine the bounds
of their land and surrounds.
they can follow the line of abuttal.
"
"most afghans who live in kabul
still measure their beards with a rule.
now isn't it lame
how men are the same?
size matters, whatever the tool.
"
"in china they'll total your bill
using beads and numerical skill.
their fingers will blur
in an abacus whir.
you'll thrill to this digital drill.
"
"some people get off on aspersion
and revel in animadversion.
they're carping, acidic.
each one is a critic.
relax! take a summer excursion!
"
"agricola, ruling for rome,
in britain, so far from his home,
fought welshmen and scots,
but domitian's fell plots
were the ones that interred him in loam.
"
"returning from space is no breeze:
you get fired to a zillion degrees.
the ablator will meet
and then shrug off the heat,
so the capsule reenters with ease.
"
"""tom, why don't that borehole stand still?
i broke yer asthenosphere drill!""
""it's trivial, biff.
see, the rock isn't stiff,""
he coupleted, swiftly. ""so chill!""
"
"if you purchase coal tar, you're a buyer.
if you say it smells nice, you're a liar.
from its anthracene goo
comes alizarin's hue.
if you know about that, you're a dyer.
"
"when water in lakes is anoxic,
to fish, it's perniciously toxic,
'cause gills are no use,
like a neck in a noose;
that's how sewage can render a loch sick.
"
"these athletes all seem quite antaean!
their strength and size? huge! they must be in
a paranoid state
from the steroids they ate,
when they're given a cup to go pee in.
"
"all the plantae show strange alternation
in the ploidy of each generation.
when gametophytes mate,
these young haploids create
a new diploid, a fresh variation.
"
"the airstream's a trailer of fame
with streamlined design (hence the name).
its aluminum shell
casts a vagabond spell
that a stay-at-home heart cannot tame.
"
"degas felt an urge in his ass
and suspended his strokes to degas.
for a poot, we'll take time,
even artists sublime,
but to dwell on the practice is crass.
"
"anticyclones are circling highs
and producers of fair-weather skies.
in the earth's northern parts
they go clockwise; on charts
in the southern, the converse applies.
"
"for ambivalent eggs on a fence,
planning breakfast is much too intense:
to be scrambled or fried?
'tis too hard to decide.
when they topple, the cracks are immense.
"
"he chooses his words on a whim.
his chances of aptness are slim.
we listen, astonished,
as we are admonished:
don't misunderestimate him.
"
"an acrobat acting assaultive
attacked, but it wasn't his faultive.
when asked for a reason,
he said, ""'tis the season.
since june, i've become somersaultive.""
"
"antiprotons and protons can scatter
when the former encounter the latter.
they are equally large,
but have opposite charge.
post-collision, they('re) no longer matter.
"
"a meticulous programming teacher,
surprised by a six-legged creature,
 attacked  as it skittered,
but then reconsidered:
it wasn't a bug, but a feature.
"
"a clam who was ambling around
in its ambit (its normal surround)
went too far, so it fell
o'er the edge of its shell
(the ambitus, border, or bound).
"
"it's a well-proven medical theorem:
if germs make you tremble and fear 'em,
blood taken from those
who've been lately exposed
can be processed to yield antiserum.
"
"now here is a riddle to try:
just when is an eye not an eye?
the answer is clear:
when the eye is anear,
which means it is very close by.
"
"we heard you been dealin' in booze
on our turf, so we bring you some news.
the don don't approve,
says he likes you should move.
that's an offer you cannot refuse.
"
"though food is her only delight,
she never takes more than a bite.
her tastes are eclectic,
but she's anorectic.
too bad she'll soon vanish from sight.
"
"the earth was primordial slime,
but dried to a sweltering clime.
then it rained and it rained
until nothing remained
of the antediluvian time.
"
"it's a task that can torment and harrow:
demonstrating (in lyric) the arrow.
but this limerick-weary
old poet won't veer, he
will steer on the straight and the narrow.
"
"in eden the fruit of the tree
is as tempting as any can be.
but a taste of delight
leads to bite after bite
'til there isn't an apple to see.
"
"you took a big knock to the head.
you're lucky you're here and not dead.
even better for me,
it's amnesia (tee-hee!).
you've forgotten the bad things i said.
"
"the highlander had a bad vibe
when the borneans started to gibe.
then out came the pot
and in went the scot.
'twas a cruel anthropophagous tribe.
"
"when we call someone ""judas"" we claim
he's a traitor. (they're one and the same.)
so don't let it faze ya.
in antonomasia
the class is implied by a name.
"
"it's a sauce for a king or the rabble.
the garlic alone makes me babble.
i confess i am wholly
in love with aioli.
it's also a great word in scrabble.
"
"in a bodice so tight she was blinking,
nellie opened her mouth without thinking:
""go on ? stare if you must,
but my bra's fit to bust!""
""as it were,"" i replied, the while winking.
"
"your mosquito repellent? don't bin it
if it has citronella within it.
for the bugs just won't eat
when it tickles their feet ?
see, your knowledge can swell every minute!
"
"if my accent you'd query, relent!
on impeccable diction i'm bent.
in the verb, accent's heard
at the end of the word ?
a distinction i wish to accent.
"
"this warehousing bill is so high,
but i can't ship the goods yet ? and why?
the advising bank said it:
""that letter of credit
seems just to be pie in the sky.""
"
"i can't tell you how much i abhor
people eating things dropped on the floor.
just to think of that trick
makes me feel rather sick ?
i come over all queasy, what's more.
"
"when a traveller knocks unforetold, a
little glance at the fire: it's a smoulder.
i might make something hot
if he's welcome. if not,
here's a slice from last luncheon's cold shoulder.
"
"pete is casting away, as he might,
grammar-fetishes into the night.
""icons false i can strew;
icons true, i construe
as correct ? that is, i think they're right.""
"
"""up your aris!"" ? it's missing a ""totle"":
cockneyism will rhyme it with ""bottle"".
then your ""bottle and glass""
rhymes... but no, let it pass.
will a cockney like that? not a lot'll.
"
"of american lim'ricks i'm fond,
'bout manhasset ? or places beyond.
and when nan, on that day,
with the man ran away,
what they did (with the cash) was abscond.
"
"with a bottle (more so than a wand),
girls can look like their brain don't respond.
but ms parton said, ""fidgit!
i know i'm no idjit,
and i sure as heck know i'm not blonde.""
"
"like a pancake will rarely mean highlands,
and swampy does not describe dry lands,
but upside-down magic
makes archipelagic
describe, not the sea, but the islands.
"
"prescriptive economists vie
to outdo the market ? and why?
economic command
has to keep the demand
concomitant with the supply.
"
"entry ""abdul abulbul amir""
is a song, not a word ? why's it here?
and burlington bertie
is getting quite shirty
from being left out ? ain't it queer?
"
"the ai is a triple-toed sloth
who hangs on a branch like a moth.
he's hairy and slow,
with no get-up-and-go,
like the jerk i agreed to betroth.
"
"mark three from the end and you meet
a syllable shy and discreet.
it hasn't much fame
but oh what a name!
it's the antepenultimate beat.
"
"the second amendment so scares
the hell out of liberal confr?res
that the aclu
would rather its crew
were defending the right to arm bears.
"
"to the south of the country albania
is a region of greece, acarnania.
it's noted for wine,
the fruit of the vine,
and its common effect: dipsomania.
"
"the schoolboy in england is taught
to recite all the monarchs and ought
to be able to name
any sovereign claim
or royal accession that's sought.
"
"a particular kind of accrual
can be used in your pension pursual.
today you can borrow
for the costs of tomorrow.
each year there will be a renewal.
"
"a soldier's accoutrements may
include some equipment outr?,
beyond what he wears
and the rifle he bears:
for instance, deodorant spray.
"
"from a cause does a consequence flow.
it's the natural order, you know.
the reasons we share
are, accordingly, there
to explain why the outcome is so.
"
"a check bit will mitigate terror
that your message was trashed by the bearer.
as when polly looks fine
but says ""pieces of nine!"",
it shows there's a parity error.
"
"if with demons you'd try to attune,
take a bible, and do it at noon.
what you might conjure up
could be harmful: ""who'd sup
with the devil should use a long spoon.""
"
"there was a sage fellow of lyme
who married three wives at a thyme.
when they asked him, ""why three?""
he said, ""bouquet garni
makes their court-bouillon simply sublime.""
"
"if a spy is found out, it gets gory.
so i pose as a writer, and... glory!
my piece on quilt rage
has made the front page!
now this counterpane's my cover story.
"
"night and day, i have nowhere to set it;
i kissed kate, and have lived to regret it.
brush up shakespeare? the heck!
my wares hang round my neck.
i'm a colporteur ? didn't you get it?
"
"as we judder our way up the slope
on this old cable railway, i hope
that no fault in particular
makes this funicular
stall. (funis: latin for ""rope"".)
"
"all my craft isn't mine: i devote it
to my fellows. a good (kindly note it)
copy editor knows
how to fix up the prose
so the author might think that he wrote it.
"
"robert burchfield, that lexical pope,
made catholic the oed's scope:
to non-british use willing
to give equal billing ?
his revision of fowler? no soap.
"
"when they spoke of connubial bliss,
they surely can not have meant this:
two nights past the wedding,
i'm in my own bedding,
out cold on the couch (with no kiss).
"
"from our duck-hunting, home via daniel's.
he said, ""bring some deodorant granules
next time out, for that fug ?
rotting rug ? makes me chug.""
that's the trouble with wet cocker spaniels.
"
"cocainism isn't a fiction,
but a fairly unpleasant affliction
that you get if you hose
too much snow up your nose:
it's the upshot of coke (sniff) addiction.
"
"coal measures? a hundredweight sack?
don't run with that sack on your back.
the delivery team
gets the coal from a seam
in a mine ? where coal measures are black.
"
"""i was blind to how much i was missing,""
said granddad one day, reminiscing.
""but i knew way down deep
i'd a secret to keep
when she told me close-tongued meant 'french kissing'.""
"
"come new york, little english ? ok?
from my language same words i will say.
now you tell me to beg
and so cut off my leg?
keineswegs! (this is calqued as ""no way!"")
"
"observe how the world's population
goes up with increasing gestation ?
baby boom, if you must.
(the reverse, baby bust,
has nothing to do with lactation.)
"
"so i'm crapulous, am i? you say
in your mealy-mouthed classical way.
well, i'll drink while i'm able ?
you're under the table!
the food is on top, so i'll stay.
"
"the handicapped seem irrepressible.
a hurdle? they make it finessible.
but now there are laws
(it's a liberal cause),
and the world is becoming accessible.
"
"an acceptor's the one to arrange
for an order or bill of exchange
to officially weigh
as a promise to pay.
to me this is all very strange.
"
"i'd a great movie concept, but sheila
(my agent) said, ""give them a feeler:
walk them through it to start,
with some great concept art.""
now i hope she's more dealer than wheeler.
"
"the national health, feeling brave,
vowed to care for us, cradle to grave.
now, in hospitals, bugs
are resistant to drugs.
just think of the taxes they save.
"
"when you've bet fifty pounds on a horse,
and you're waiting for news from the course,
you've no preference whose
coding system they use,
be it semaphore, ascii, or morse.
"
"i'm right at the end of my tether;
it's late, and i'm wondering whether
a bus will arrive ?
oh, look, here come five!
like bananas, they all bunch together.
"
"i hear people demanding the right
for their mutts to have seats on a flight.
i'm an acrophobe here
(it's high places i fear),
so i don't have a dog in this fight.
"
"when you activate something you might
turn it on, like an engine or light.
or for troops make it hard
(like the national guard):
call 'em up, send 'em off, have 'em fight.
"
"ambrosia, the food of greek gods!
don't complain how it tastes, or the odds
are that zeus will get mad,
and for you, 'twould be bad,
if you haven't installed lightning rods.
"
"there's a word that is in disrepute.
ladies titter and gentlemen hoot
when they hear, to their shock,
someone yell, ""it's acock!""
to announce that a gun's set to shoot.
"
"a contract between two adults
should lead to consistent results.
an agreement, less formal,
can also be normal,
but be careful when dealing with cults.
"
"there's a new photochemical shop
where the chemists and physicists stop.
they sell instruments which
measure light with a switch:
actinometers, ten bucks a pop.
"
"there's a radioactive device
that is actin' on volunteer mice.
they are isotope-stressed
to determine and test
if this actinon's naughty or nice.
"
"i told you already, i shan't.
my mining ability's scant.
this crystalline stone
has a mind of its own.
it's adamant. move it? i can't!
"
"""the heck with iraq and pollution.
our problem's this gay revolution!
they want to be wed,""
the president said,
""let's amend the u.s. constitution!""
"
"if this limerick strikes you as harmless
(though somewhat artistically charmless),
you've missed half its meaning.
to my comrades in scheming,
this aesopian verse ain't alarm-less.
"
"if the stuff in your bowels has amassed,
crappuccinos will help it pass fast.
just warm prunes (as in juice),
drink with butter (profuse),
hear your feces shout out, ""free at last!""
"
"said the centipede, ""this is a bitch:
you ask which leg i move after which?""
the depth of this question
caused neural congestion;
stunned, immobile, he fell in a ditch.
"
"if i eat wilted endive, i sigh.
when i hear soulful music, i cry.
whether eating bad salads
or hearing sad ballads,
i'm depressed, and i just want to die.
"
"when cloudiness taints your jacuzzi,
we suggest that you be very choosy.
get clara's clarificant,
the most significant
murkiness cure ? it's a doozy.
"
"an eel blenny is not an eelblenny.
they differ in ways great and many.
one way they're the same?
they bear near the same name.
are there more? no, i can't think of any.
"
"a concentrator system's a trick
that turns beams into ergs, and it's slick:
mirrors aimed at one place
focus rays on that space,
making heat, steam, and amps cheap and quick.
"
"some new farmers let cows, as they raise 'em,
drop flops on their crops as they graze 'em.
thus soil's amended?
agronomically blended.
their plan's fulla crap. let's not praise 'em.
"
"embarcadero?  not a slip, but a pier.
when i say it, a word that i hear
is ""embark"": off to sea
from a wharf or a quay.
i'll slip out now and have me a beer.
"
"binky budd bellied up to biff's bar,
spewing smoke from a smelly cigar.
bellowed bink, ""boys, i think
that i'll smoke and i'll drink
and make love 'til the day i expar!""
"
"it's clear aplanats fix all distortion,
whereas achromats fix just a portion.
so it's hard not to hype
adolph steinheil's lens type;
thanks to him, views stay true ? no contortion.
"
"the ark of the covenant's found
in aksum upon holy ground.
the ethiops there
had an empire so fair,
but downwards their fortunes were bound.
"
"evil algol's a varying star,
and the most inauspicious by far.
was it chance, cloaked in night,
that, eclipsing our sight,
left the doorway of knowledge ajar?
"
"the seven eponymous sisters
all dallied with heavenly misters,
and on darkest of nights
in these pleiades lights,
alcyone's star really glisters.
"
"for the poor, i have emptied my hoard;
into service, my life has been poured.
for my altruism here
(can't you tell i'm sincere?)
i will reap an eternal reward.
"
"the contraction of actinide ions
is a puzzle we're leaving to scions;
when you pack more stuff in,
the proportions grow thin ?
but look out if you feed them big pions.
"
"astrophysics is physics in space,
and from quarks to big branes, it's a race
to explain all this stuff,
but the going gets tough
when steve hawking is setting the pace.
"
"in his long venture-capital quest,
the asker was harried and stressed,
and always felt weary
because of his theory
that he who asks first will ask best.
"
"for reprisals this coffee is grounds:
it's been scavenged from excrement mounds!
saying beans are aged best in
a civet's intestine
is arrogance knowing no bounds.
"
"that a pipe in the rock, deeply planted,
can yield water, most folks take for granted.
how sweet water is fed
through an aquifer bed
is a mystery almost enchanted.
"
"you used to do yoga with ease,
but now your joints painfully freeze.
analgesics remain
and can mitigate pain,
but it's best to be kind to your knees.
"
"i said to her, ""is it advisable?
this thing is, well, really quite sizeable.""
she said, ""no, with some use
it might even get loose.
that's the way, when you're acclimatizable.""
"
"already's an adverb ? where's pete?
we're already all ready to eat.
but while soups are all ready
for us, pete is steadi-
ly munching, already, his sweet.
"
"absorptiveness measures how much
something soaks up the things it may touch.
kitchen towels soak up tea,
and a sunscreen uv;
as for me? pinot grigio and such.
"
"great-great-grandfather couldn't inhib-
it his yawns at comedians glib.
he'd growl at me: ""sonny,
that joke was so funny
the first time, i fell from my crib!""
"
"your granny knows what it's about:
""take your coat off indoors."" never doubt
that she's right. if you don't,
then you certainly won't
feel its benefit when you go out.
"
"my libido i've kept in a headlock:
with my celibate vow there was deadlock.
but it's getting much harder
to stifle my ardour
since finding i'd just forsworn wedlock.
"
"pete is hawking conjunctions in dover.
""it's an and job,"" he tells me, ""moreover,
if a sentence you'd splice,
i've a but here that's nice ?
ernest hemingway had it left over.""
"
"the agony aunt sucks her pen,
and mutters ""oh lord, tell me when
will these virgins like ""midge"" and all
ask an original
question? (i'll just count to ten.)""
"
"any lim with a serious quality
takes a form more conducive to jollity:
if you'd make it project
a more sober effect,
don't let levity turn to frivolity.
"
"the ornithological books
can't tell corvids apart by their looks.
see a single rook: know
that it's really a crow;
see a flock of crows: know that they're rooks.
"
"a colostomy's really a drag
when you work for a top fashion mag.
i said to the doc,
""there's a lump in my frock,
and my hat and shoes don't match the bag!""
"
"as groundsman at wembley, i twitch
when my turf is churned into a ditch
for some mega-band. naughty,
i mowed ""a-440""
to show it's a real concert pitch.
"
"the collection plate's under dispute.
televangelists wonder: whose loot?
is it funding for prayer?
throw it up in the air.
what god wants, he will take. that's astute.
"
"in my bath, i've discovered the knack
of enhancing the tone that i lack.
""nessun dorma..."" ? (i go
off to work) ? ""...vincer?!""
is still echoing when i get back.
"
"this limerick business is funky:
i sharpen my wit, bright and spunky,
and my rhyme all the time
is so prime it's a crime ?
but this metre, i admit, is clunky.
"
"it's no use my protesting contrition
in the headmaster's study. his mission
is to punish, you see;
(it hurts him more than me,
so he says) ""now assume the position.""
"
"taking aspirin can be of utility
at a time of prolonged immobility,
for it thins your blood, see,
and wards off dvt
by reducing coagulability.
"
"a chameleon said to the tsar,
""i'd turn redder than commies, by far,
but this ultra-true blue
is the colour for you.""
(in the states, it's reversed: how bizarre.)
"
"our bottle's on ice (it's no joke)
at this table, outside, while we smoke.
freezing beggars all whine
for a handout ? that's fine.
i can give them cold cash, to provoke.
"
"a vain little mermaid, named jenny,
when her hair gets as knotted as any,
disentangles her locks
by a hole in the rocks
with the help of a tame combtooth blenny.
"
"a romance left me bitter and twisted,
for her mother came too, when we trysted.
mother fainted one night,
to our mutual delight,
but when mother came to, we desisted.
"
"if a bolshie belfaster or scot
is ill-tempered or tetchy, then what
he'll be called is carnaptious
(without being captious),
whether having conniptions or not.
"
"so comecon fell with the wall,
but that doesn't matter at all.
from your frying pan dire,
jump into the fire:
acquis communautaire will appal.
"
"oh, the route of the pilgrims is tough
overland to santiago: enough!
shall i brave biscay's swell
in my frail cockleshell?
no, i'd best use a scallop ? it's rough!
"
"there are places in london a-plenty
to get crushed and pretend you're still twenty.
but away from the crowd
there are venues less loud,
known only to us cognoscenti.
"
"the boss gives me grief on my job
of riveting armour. i sob
as i stand, sweating blood,
while attaching this stud
(or this boss) that behaves like a knob.
"
"i'll reach in my pocket for money
to buy you a double-shot, honey.
i just backed a winner:
come back and have dinner.
it's my treat ? don't look at me funny.
"
"if i talk about apples and pears
as a cockney, it signifies ""stairs"".
and once at the top
a ""j. arthur"" i'll cop ?
lacking maidens, it answers my prayers.
"
"scrolls are thrifty, and frugal moreover,
for i cut and re-use what's left over.
half-blank codices' pages
eat book-makers' wages;
for merchants of vellum, they're clover.
"
"where dido once shredded her hide,
?neas stopped off on his ride.
when he heartlessly went,
dido sang her lament
(to music by purcell) and died.
"
"the alexandrine beat
has six iambic feet.
this lim i'll wrench
from standard french
poetic metre. neat?
"
"here's the carvery ?  what a relief.
i'll have lamb, please. and pork. ? and some beef.
then i'll eat till i drop,
or my belly goes pop ?
and that chicken looks tasty? (good grief!)
"
"""here, sweetie, i've iced your cake pink.""
""it's pink! is that pink what i think?
you've used cochineal.
don't you know how i feel?
when i've told you i'm vegan ? you stink! ""
"
"eighteen years jean-baptiste colbert
ran the sun king's finances with flair.
he said, ""taxing's like this:
with the minimum hiss,
pluck the maximum feathers. so there*.""
"
"jean brillat-savarin could be trying,
about roasting and boiling and frying,
but his taste still showed spark
in his final remark:
""serve dessert now: i think that i'm dying.""
"
"at cannae rome had a bad day; i
know hannibal won in that fray. i
must further point out
that when teacher's about,
one doesn't say ""cannae"", but ""may i?""
"
"when you burn stuff, its oxides remain
in the air: gas (unseen) and smoke (plain).
against smoke, greens are storming;
but the gas, acid-forming,
without smoke will provoke acid rain.
"
"at glastonbury, with my dear maggie,
the rain soaked our shared sleeping-baggie.
though stackridge are there,
i don't care. wash my hair!
the mud is uncommonly claggy.
"
"i'm not quite as mean as you think,
and i'm not in the red ? just the pink.
when i reach in my pocket
for money, friends mock it
and say, ""look! i saw the queen blink!""
"
"for five, buy this ten-dollar debt.
it's low-interest, and isn't due yet.
but near pay-it-back time
resale value will climb
with accrued market discount, you bet.
"
"though our views on art don't run in tandem,
i contend that my ""take"" isn't random.
but it's all in the head:
as the roman guy said,
de gustibus nil disputandum.
"
"in a stew it's just great (pass the salt),
but when sprouted, the grain turns to malt.
barley malt makes a start
for the brewer's fine art:
making beer. such a use none can fault.
"
"there's a fine transatlantic to-do
over different ? how to construe?
the american plan
allows different than;
british use mostly from (sometimes to).
"
"so, cognitive therapy? please
let me benefit first from this wheeze.
if it gets me the hell
out of this padded cell
? why does telling you this make me sneeze?
"
"as my cigarette boldly i suck,
people fan with their hands and cough, ""yuck!""
for the smoke, like a feline,
will slink in a beeline
to those that most hate it (bad luck).
"
"church-in-government anglicanism
would preserve church and monarch from schism.
though their power's now scanty,
english bishops preach anti-
disestablishmentarianism.
"
"""coinheritance just isn't fair,""
i remarked to my stubborn coheir.
""i'm sorry he's dead,
but i still want the bed:
you'll just have to make do with the chair.""
"
"boil some 'taters together with kale,
or cabbage, and mash in a pail:
colcannon's the dish
that your stomach will wish
on the morn, if you feel rather frail.
"
"it came about, during a gale,
that we had to change tack, and reef sail.
as the ship came about,
the boom gave a clout
that knocked him right over the rail.
"
"he picked on the small guy ? unfair,
and contemptible. should i declare
my contempt for the brute?
i'd be next: i'll stay mute,
with a silent, contemptuous stare.
"
"i must have unbreakable surety
of my room's unimpeachable purity.
i will not get diseased
or infected ? you sneezed!!
you just compromised biosecurity!
"
"i forget, though i swot and i cram
for my ""french indochina"" exam,
in the north was tonkin,
to the south ? just a min ?
cochin china. now parts of vietnam.
"
"to give parties a boost, here's a trick:
knock the cock from the barrel (be slick),
lay it, safe from the group,
on the top ? cock-a-hoop ?
now the beer's flowing free: drink it quick!
"
"to my lover i'm bidding adieus
while another wants into his shoes.
other says, ""let's get playing!""
old lover: ""i'm staying.""
a conflict of interest ensues.
"
"for a boot sale, you fill up your boot
(us: trunk) with your junk; take the route
to a car park or field
where you hope it will yield
lots of cash from the not-so-acute.
"
"to coppice a tree, someone chops
down the trunk. pretty soon the stump crops
sturdy poles good for fences,
which saves on expenses.
a stand of such trees is a copse.
"
"clientele are investors, in fact.
some seek income; some, growth will attract.
change your policy? well,
the effect is: they sell ?
and that means that your share price gets whacked.
"
"colestyramine acts like a sponge
for bile, which your gut can expunge.
so your liver makes more
from the stuff that's in store,
and cholesterol levels then plunge.
"
"great-granny might think it quite strange
not having to blacklead a range.
if you readily tire
of lighting a fire,
a cooker's a welcome exchange.
"
"why does graphite conduct electricity?
look at benzene, a case, for simplicity.
the electrons aren't bound
to fixed bonds, but go round
where they want. behold: aromaticity.
"
"the bonds in a pyrrole aren't static.
in phosphole, it gets more traumatic.
a bigger strange face
keeps those bonds more in place
so that arsole rings aren't aromatic.
"
"the harmonics are off, you may claim,
but each key should sound roughly the same.
so each in-between note
is ""well-tempered"" (i quote),
and it's compromise tuning to blame.
"
"with stars, we're confused yet again
by the emperor called charlemagne.
that canny old stager
shot down ursa major
and dragged it aboard charles's wain.
"
"through my thicker-than-thick pair of glasses
i can barely descry all that passes.
would a corneal graft
be corrective or daft?
will it help me tell elbows from arses?
"
"cloth caps are the choice, on the whole,
of the lord on his land, or the prole.
it's not middle-class headgear ?
they'd not be seen dead, dear.
now isn't the class system droll?
"
"any-interest-date term of redemption
gives the issuer right of preemption
on the scheme to repay:
for on each coupon day
he can pay off the loan ? no exemption.
"
"copy editing does for a journal
what dante achieved for infernal:
your illiterate scrawl
shall go to the ball,
and your ""deathless prose"" turn out eternal.
"
"an air check's a test, for their sins,
for radio announcers ? who wins?
the person whose voice
makes the sponsors rejoice.
""in five minutes, the bombing begins.""
"
"""marching opposite ways!"" i done thunk,
but i shouldn't write verse when i'm drunk.
counter-drilling's applied
from the opposite side
and you hope the holes meet, or you're sunk.
"
"first-class laundry's the base of my trading:
whites are gleaming; no colours are fading.
it's all done in china,
sent back on a liner
complete with a clean bill of lading.
"
"though your line has high-calibre backing,
so you've sent all those claim-jumpers packing,
it's not worth a rap
with no registered map ?
it seems you're cadastrally lacking.
"
"london's aldersgate, moorgate and bish-
opsgate, ludgate and newgate will dish
all outsiders who planned
to invade us by land.
if by water, there's billingsgate (fish).
"
"though a nice cup of tea eases tension,
""milk in first / milk in last"" please don't mention.
it's a fraught execution.
add first: a solution;
add last: a colloidal suspension.
"
"the croisette she indulgently scans,
as she plots an escape from her fans.
but the ring-pulls she drops
means the trail never stops ?
because paris drinks ""cham-pagne"" in cannes.
"
"sustainable, is it? and that's
a good reason to eat it? you're bats.
it's brownish, and odd,
and nothing like cod.
it's coley ? you feed it to cats.
"
"romans, countrymen, lend me your lugholes.
in your ensuites, adjoining your snug holes,
in this kenyan hotel,
north or south you can tell
by the way water goes down your plugholes.
"
"you are still pumping iron, so you say,
and you run seven miles every day.
but you say ""supersize""
buying milkshakes or fries:
your chubbedness gives you away.
"
"that tight corset, a ""waspie"", no doubt,
makes those girls and their chaperones pout.
for her waist every night
is an 18-inch sight.
(as for me, i wear mine inside-out.)
"
"a boil wash will cleanse your white cotton
of stains that make clothing look rotten.
but before you go try it,
i advise that you diet ?
for it shrinks them (you might have forgotten).
"
"although funding was really a fight,
now, for people of limited sight,
i have woven a maze
that got plaudits and praise:
""a contextural den of delight.""
"
"it was new bathroom scales made the start:
with the old ones, all dusty, i'd part ?
in an old pizza box,
in the bin ? oh, that rocks!
but they're gone. that's conceptual art.
"
"trigonometry makes us all curse:
soh-cah-toa ? it couldn't be worse.
i asked god for a sign
for this limerick of mine,
but cosecant's a sine that's inverse.
"
"i would never admit i would never
feel empathy. tears are quite clever
when touting for charity.
you see a disparity?
coldheartedness? me? well ? whatever.
"
"for seduction, he merits a laurel.
""it's the way that i am; let's not quarrel,""
he confessed to his priest,
who said, ""sinner, at least
you are amorous, not just amoral.""
"
"just an ""o"" on a stick, but i'm fond
of this gadget that makes me respond
with the sweet, soapy joy
that i felt as a boy
when i'm waving my old bubble wand.
"
"it's so common ? i might have said ""coarse"" ?
but it's widespread. as pubs must enforce
bans on smoking indoors,
on each corner, like whores,
see us puffing away: no remorse.
"
"conversing in bars was normality
till the smoking ban hit this locality.
are they joking? ""no smoking""
provoking our soaking
is choking our conviviality.
"
"ah, the look on the archbishop's face
when he'd taken possession! ""your grace,
i did not leave this seat
'til the deeds were complete,
but they're done: you've an asset in place.""
"
"intellectual celebrities lose
hard-earned kudos by claiming they use
someone's soap ? so don't force it:
if asked to endorse it,
they'll surely, condignly, refuse.
"
"if a mainframe is programmed with fervour,
a dumb terminal, to an observer,
does whatever you mention
while it works out your pension ?
architecture that looks client-server.
"
"do meteorologists fret
in temperate places? you bet.
their fear's not affected,
for climate's expected;
but weather's the thing that you get.
"
"afloat in our boat (a canoe)
you wobble and look rather blue.
the problem, you pig,
is your head is too big;
your cap size capsizes me too.
"
"do you see lovely sheep here, this two?
they make milk, i make cheese just for you ?
ardi gasna in basque.
you no buy when i ask?
mister, eskerrik asko, agur.
"
"an order for administration
saves debtors from importunation.
like chapter eleven:
not rapture, not heaven ?
but creditors froth in frustration.
"
"just one more can't do any harm ?
no need to recoil in alarm.
don't put that construction
on this circumduction:
just say that i twisted your arm.
"
"""oh my goodness, this cake's rather oily,""
she exclaimed as she pulled out the doily.
""it's made this go quite clear!
? if i hold it just here,
you can see my tattoo,"" she said, coyly.
"
"johnny otis's show had a fat trick:
marie adams's girls ? a fat hat-trick.
with the three tons of joy
she was eyed by ma's boy,
while their doctor stood by, bariatric.
"
"""am i steatopygous in this?""
""does her bum look big,"" softly i hiss.
my trainee: ""no, ma'am. my guess,
you look calli-pygous.""
(her sale; my commission. oh, bliss.)
"
"the estate agent said, ""very well;
your place is a miniature hell.
it's not very large ?
a converted garage ?
but we'll call it the coach house, to sell.""
"
"with a ligature, write anap?st ?
or at least make it -paest ? in the east.
those folks in the west
mostly write anapest:
a bone of contention? ? a feast!
"
"a day with no writing is poor
when my fans are all crying for more.
so before i retire,
my muse can inspire
this verse: i'll clock up one-five-four.
"
"pray don't ask philip morris, or merck:
there's a hidden agenda at work.
whether lit up with matches
or stuck on in patches,
this drug leaves them both with a smirk.
"
"though you're told that breast-feeding's the way
to keep subsequent babies at bay,
if for years you nurse (wet),
chiari-frommel you'll get ?
where your uterus wilts in dismay.
"
"i've a lot of old clocks, miscellaneous,
and their striking is never extraneous,
for i fix and adjust ?
losing sleep if i must ?
till their chimes ring out, cosimultaneous.
"
"at the playboy club, working each day
(or each night, if you put it that way)
i serve drinks, but can't force it ?
bend down in this corset?
a bunny dip earns me my pay.
"
"if your outlook on risk is dispersive,
compound options make risking recursive.
for this hedge on a hedge
gives the timid an edge ?
at a price that is far from coercive.
"
"if your photos score ten-out-of-tens
for portrayal of women's and men's
aberrations dramatic
(just sex, not chromatic),
then give thanks for that fine compound lens.
"
"as the mining crew hammered and bored
out their tunnels, and carefully shored
up the walls with their staves,
they exposed ancient caves
in a mountain that nature has cored.
"
"""you'll look younger as long as you can
with my famous elixir of xan!""
(i suspect any day
folks will drive me away
shouting, ""charlatan! fraud! cabotin!"")
"
"compactness is great, but my dear,
if you turn yourself into a sphere,
at your height (six-foot-four)
you won't get through the door,
and you'll have to send out for your beer.
"
"a design for your shield has its charms,
when you've triumphed in battle's alarms.
if there's not very much on
your family escutcheon,
then go to the college of arms.
"
"a conventional mortgage is backed
by your house, not insurance. this fact,
if its price takes a spill,
leaves you feeling quite ill
in your gastrointestinal tract.
"
"see the cac index: check how the french
market prices advance or retrench.
watch the ftse and dax ?
you can never relax.
one more night at the ritz, or a bench?
"
"do you think my coiffure's ""hoxton fin""?
it depends on the company i'm in.
for although i'm quite old,
my hair's very bold,
so it points to the top (where it's thin).
"
"a cornhusker comes from nebraska?
well, their land's good for corn. in alaska,
they have huskies. husk corn?
different mush! ? they were born
to drag sleds up the great athabasca.
"
"well, i've sort of been that ? contabescent ?
when my lover became evanescent.
but my weight loss (too fast
for that word) didn't last:
now he's settled, my weight's recrudescent.
"
"at lourdes, in amongst the incurable,
a thurifer's swinging a thurible,
or censer. they choke
all the while on its smoke.
censer humour? the joke's unendurable.
"
"the late jennie marlborough-phelps
fed biscuits and tea to the whelps,
or ""kids"", as she called 'em ?
her accent appalled 'em ?
they still don't say ""crackers"". (it helps.)
"
"i could talk to just one, for a start,
but this company's not ? la carte.
when i venture ""hello"",
they all stare at me: go!
it's their cliquishness sets them apart.
"
"acheta domestica: ""cricket,
european house"". not in a thicket,
but on hearths it finds fame.
(though pronouncing its name
leaves me batting a quite sticky wicket.)
"
"to scuff the thing under my feet'll
be bliss, for it's longing to eat all
my carpets. that's ample
inducement to trample ?
conculcate ? this little black beetle.
"
"though the thought of exams may bedevil,
once you pass them you're welcome to revel.
you can study in situ,
because we'll admit you
with proof you've attained college level.
"
"chromatophores help the chameleon
change colour, so aristotelian
herpetologists squint
at its tint: now it's mint,
now it's brown ? write this down: vaudevillian.
"
"my mother was one of the ones
that the ministers, vicars, and nuns
might have sought, as their goal,
to increase the church roll ?
but the reason she went was the buns.
"
"if you render a rainbow in paint,
then its pure spectral colours just ain't.
but the paint's chromaticity
fools your eyes with felicity,
and you'll find there's no cause for complaint.
"
"john is living with tim, who's a colonel;
their relationship's more than fraternal.
they share drink, they share food,
share their bed, where they're lewd ?
all i'll write of their nightly adjournal.
"
"change of state's kind of crossing a border,
and leaving one's old living quarter:
like boiling or freezing.
it's entropically pleasing
to discover the laws of disorder.
"
"californians might think them exotic,
but to me, a pet rock's idiotic.
""he won't bite,"" she explains;
so i beat out her brains
with her pet. now they're both abiotic.
"
"how'd he get that award? ammoniation!
it's how ham actors fake lachrymation.
can tears be much phonier?
a drop of ammonia
brings floods ? and a standing ovation.
"
"vocalis, it's ""vocal"" (he roared).
dorsalis is ""spinal"" ? you bored?
it's all these and all those,
so, like gertrude stein's rose,
we'll accord that a chorda's a ""cord"".
"
"don't you spray me with that ? don't you dare!
i just came in this shop for some air.
now i'm covered with scent
and i'm sorry i went
past that stinky concession-(sniff)-aire.
"
"the columbia icefield may slide
down the great continental divide,
but meltwater goes forth
to the west, east, and north,
and canadians view it with pride.
"
"my eyes, they are glazing: they're shinier.
my interest is waning: it's tinier,
the more that you say.
won't you please go away?
you're a pain in the arse: coccydynia.
"
"a change of integrity? fine.
change your unity, say: recombine.
if the colleagues you'd part with
had any to start with,
integrity'd make them resign.
"
"chromatography ? there's quite a caper.
you can use a thin layer, or paper,
but for gunky stuff's splitting
a column's more fitting,
or gas, analysing a vapour.
"
"when i mentioned your mother's last illness,
and its cause, at her wake, there was stillness.
though they didn't all swoon
like a bateman cartoon,
i believe i detected a chillness.
"
"cohobation: the distillate's tossed
back onto the dregs. at what cost?
lots of charcoal, i'd say.
it's an alchemist's way
to concentrate what has been lost.
"
"now come along, girl, come along!
for my patience is not very strong.
and your anodyne verse
is just making things worse ?
is it jealousy makes you write wrong?
"
"our entries, obligingly terse,
are capsules, for better or worse,
of wit and of knowledge.
the oedilfian college
makes all definitions perverse.
"
"comparative literature looks
at the relative merits of books ?
also films: the dilemma
of clueless v. emma
is pegged out on cultural hooks.
"
"when inspecting this old compass plane,
your search for a plane will be vain,
for its flexible face
gave the swell-fronted grace
to this dresser from george iii's reign.
"
"if your diet is like gayelord hauser's,
get molasses delivered in bowsers
(road tankers). with wheat
germ and yogurt to eat,
you will soon feel the slack in your trousers.
"
"say, buddy ? yeah, you ? spare a match?
this here place? it's the old booby hatch.
and my penguin's all right,
but he don't have a light
to ignite this here nicotine patch.
"
"politicians' pretend dialectic
(all pre-scripted) might seem to be hectic,
but we know each good deed
is just masking their greed,
so i'm bursting with rage ? apoplectic.
"
"chinese yam, as the chinese attest,
eases coughs, and will help you digest
while it lowers blood fat ?
and it's food! fancy that!
in the us, some call it a pest.
"
"to close out is a good thing to do
when the clock says a quarter to two
in the morning. a bird
might wake up if it heard,
so i'll tiptoe to bed now ? adieu!
"
"if you're looking for elegant fun,
then you can't do much worse than a nun.
when maria is boisterous,
each black-and-white cloistress
will tut, and then reach for her gun.
"
"i was horsing around with the champ,
after exercise, both a bit damp.
then he stiffened, so i
rubbed his calf and his thigh
till his charley horse eased. (it's a cramp.)
"
"my conservativeness might appeal
to my friends, who admire my zeal;
to the lame, to the poor
who might knock at my door,
and the hippies, who think i'm unreal.
"
"when you look at a map, please don't fail
to take notice, and heed the bar scale;
or you'll walk (here's the rub)
seven miles to that pub ?
and twice that far back, feeling frail.
"
"an attractive point's not cleo's nose:
it's where new iterations might close.
but no matter how much
you repeat, they won't touch;
so it's asymptote-esque, i suppose.
"
"for the die-hard creationist squad
the coal measures were put there by god.
carboniferous pride
turned to coal far and wide
in the measures that dinosaurs trod.
"
"when a bat-watcher keeps his eyes skinned,
an abat-vent will leave him chagrined.
for these slats round the bells
of the bats' tall hotels
break the view while they're breaking the wind.
"
"acropachyderma will thicken your scalp,
face and fingers; no more will you palp
(touch or feel) ? that's the word.
and i thought it referred
to an elephant crossing an alp.
"
"my old man kicked me out in disgrace ?
changed his will ? i can never replace
all those bonds and those stocks
with this old cardboard box,
so i guess i'm a charity case.
"
"this carousel isn't my thing,
with its roundabout up-and-down swing.
urgh! ? i'm ready to heave.
won't they please let me leave?
what's not moving? ? i'll grab that brass ring.
"
"a clever clogs isn't enhancing
his chance of a turn at the dancing
when he shows off his wit;
to a miss it's no hit,
for a smartass is never entrancing.
"
"let us pause for a while to reflect
on a photon in impact direct
with some matter. it's said
it will turn rather red ?
and we call this the compton effect.
"
"a manchurian candidate, jack,
had no manicures once he came back.
for if anyone lingers
at ends of his fingers,
he screams: ""it's no nail, it's attack!!""
"
"container port? no-one on earth
would have chosen this place for our berth.
but in state we remain
at this site ? mind that crane!
and of taxis, my dear, there's a dearth.
"
"aunt hermione taught me to swear
as she played baccarat chemin de fer.
when she'd lost her last banco,
she sipped her bianco
and gave them my diamonds to share.
"
"cqd ? cqd ? cqd ?
i seek you; i want you to seek me.
it's a sign of distress
that predates sos ?
the titanic tried both: rip.
"
"do all architects dream with myopia?
here's another: don't let him soft-soap ya.
he says ""paradise!"" ? try
thinking ""slums in the sky"".
just another corbusian dystopia.
"
"if you don't sign the pledge, but you tope,
you'll be soaping the slippery slope.
don't just mope like a dope,
there's the scope to say ""nope"" ?
you can cope with the whole band of hope.
"
"the brake cable started to crumble
on my model-a tourer ? why grumble?
next rally day, duly,
i'll go down to beaulieu
and snoop round the old autojumble.
"
"a consumer loan seemed to be right,
to pay for consumer goods (white).
but my dishwasher died
with my wedgwood inside,
so i'm now in an interesting plight.
"
"two men: a relationship lawful;
and childlessness isn't so awful.
till we can't hold our pee ?
an incontinence spree
is for kind-hearted nieces a crawful.
"
"the ministry's kept in the loop
if there's chin cough ? a cough with a whoop.
for pertussis is liable
to be notifiable,
and not much more fun than the croup.
"
"i am feeling incredibly sluggish;
so i'll lie here in bed, which is snuggish.
when i'm costive, i'll shirk
any thought of hard work ?
i'm just sweep-it-all-under-the-ruggish.
"
"though it should be for doves, columbarium
holds no birds (nor yet fish ? that's aquarium).
it's a place where, for cash,
you can stash all the ash
of your loved ones, too chary to bury 'em.
"
"a confusing young lady, called brenda,
cross-dressed to escape her male gender.
she started as 'he',
then he dressed as a 'she',
using falsies that doris would lend her.
"
"a young ctenoid sat coiffing at home,
rubbing gel in, and wax, and then foam.
when her mother said, ""rush,
please, just give it a brush!""
she said, ""no, i feel more like a comb.""
"
"the agent was taking a chance
in booking the tour in advance ?
nationwide cabaret ?
but the act, rick o'shea,
was not what he seemed at first glance.
"
"my dentist rode off on a yak
with his pitons, some rope, and a snack.
to return, though, he failed
from the last peak he scaled:
and we've consequently put up a plaque.
"
"he got off on a mere technicality,
due to liberal sentimentality.
ne'er-do-wells with a flaw
cock a snook at the law.
if you're poor, there's no more criminality.
"
"grand admiral ? that'll be me,
and of what? of the wide ocean sea.
but columbian fame
reaches harlem: my name
is the same that adorns your degree.
"
"my success on this diet transcends
all my shyness, but pushing offends.
""lose weight now, ask me how!"" ?
will the postman allow
me to circularize all my friends?
"
"clip artists are terribly smart;
they'll take all your dough, for a start.
if you don't get the point,
look at any clip joint,
or at microsoft's jolly clip art.
"
"i thought that my aunt was exhortable,
and her manners (uncouth) might be sortable,
but she's set in her ways:
though i nag her for days,
she's not even remotely comportable.
"
"you could do with some sun and fresh air,
but for climatotherapy there
is no place quite like here,
where the sheer atmosphere
(you can see it!) will quench your despair.
"
"we're making a film ? call max factor,
and make up the face of this actor.
for the sake of the shot
i'll cross rubinstein ? not
just the rubicon. alea jacta.
"
"cycle shorts fit much tighter than flannels ?
so close-bodied! here's one from my annals:
i said to a chum,
with a look at his tum,
""don't they make them with fingertip panels?""
"
"the wind and the wild scottish weather
turn delicate skin into leather.
on his hill-farm, a crofter
is keeping it softer
by stuffing his sporran with heather.
"
"i've a headache; i wish i were dead.
""let's examine your brain,"" the doc said,
""through a hole."" at this juncture
such craniopuncture
i need like a hole in the head.
"
"apogeotropic things turn from the earth,
like they have inflated ideas of their worth.
noses in the air, leaves turn up;
little hippopotamus pup
comes a-creeping up: they'll soon add to his girth.
"
"the bra burner, with '70s chic,
was a militant feminist freak.
now she misses support
from that garment she fought
against, back when her tits weren't antique.
"
"my feet were so cold that she bought
me a bed warmer. such a kind thought.
and in bed was no bottie,
but a high-class blonde tottie ?
my wife's an incredible sport.
"
"i think i must cover my tracks,
for my creditors never relax.
i suggest an investor
won't pester unless to
sequester the whole ball of wax.
"
"they tested our hamburgers, and
declared they were three-quarters sand.
what's the beef? one whole quarter
is seawater ? sorta.
the other beachburgers are bland.
"
"all my friends say i'm quite altruistic;
have respect for all life: i'm buddhistic.
but my sweater, i vow,
is much holier-than-thou ?
there's a moth! kill it now! (it's holistic.)
"
"concluding, i want you to know
it's been great, and i'm sorry to go.
but the room will be dark
ere my closing remark
if you don't come across with the dough.
"
"through the base of my glass (it's no joke), all
my friends look quite good, in my local.
but my eye-doctor sighed,
""you're so very cross-eyed
that i've made your new glasses confocal.""
"
"i fear that my cognitive process
was compromised by that hypnosis.
i really can't think
why i took that last drink.
perhaps i was courting cirrhosis.
"
"a conduct disorder's not sporty
in women or men over forty.
it's simply a pain
when they're childish again
(and in children, we just call it ""naughty"").
"
"i finally snapped from her whining,
so i killed her. there'll be no repining.
and her body? i'll stoke
up the boiler with coke
and with her. now her bones are calcining.
"
"child custody: there's a fine thought.
feral youths of today should be taught
that ""no dad"" might be sad;
it's too bad, but we're mad,
and it's time they took home what they've bought.
"
"i will foil all my nether temptations:
one-piece underwear brooks no sensations.
when i say, ""turn this dial,""
all my beaux run a mile ?
so i smile at my ""vile"" combinations.
"
"the commission on human rights, cleavin'
to what the un was achievin',
thought rights were such beauties
they'd scorn all the duties
that right-thinking people believe in.
"
"what's fattening now? quite perplexedly,
advice i take: screenily; textedly.
(that's from books or the telly.)
i look at my belly,
and peer at this porridge, convexedly.
"
"it's cobalt, in valency three,
and nothing to do with the sea.
but swedes, lithuanians,
finns, pomeranians
are also cobaltic to me.
"
"a crumbcloth lies under the table
to catch all that falls, so it's able
to keep the rug clean
and entirely pristine.
what they say about mildred's a fable.
"
"have some goat-cheese ? one ought to say ""ch?vre"",
for it makes the beau monde think you're cl?vre.
with a fine maconnais ?
one more glass? ? may i say
un peu plus then? i never say n?vre.
"
"no, you can't have this dance ? i'm bespoken.
there's no beau here whose heart i've not broken.
but after the dance
on the subway i'll chance
going home with you, by the same token.
"
"let french billy-goats lock up their daughters,
lest they're used to raise guns (maybe mortars),
or make gloves of chevrette ?
there's no finer kid yet
to get waiters to bring you the waters.
"
"i went out with a squid, who was late.
was he cold? was he damp? (was he straight?)
just a mollusc ? and proud
of his mantle ? i vowed
to remember this word: chlamydate.
"
"if you drive 'cross the cornhusker state,
then you won't see the junction too late.
for nebraska's so flat
that the turn for north platte
is a cloverleaf heap on a plate.
"
"close to absolute zero, they say,
there's no heat to send atoms astray.
physics calls off all bets there;
hail the science that gets there:
cryogenics rules (almost) 0k!
"
"so you've found someone likely to fit
in the role of a wife ? this is it.
is she sweet and demure,
quasi-virginal, pure;
or a termagant, champing the bit?
"
"a leather strap under the tail
stops you slipping ahead, on the trail.
is this tacky? of course!
but when riding a horse
down a slope, pray the crupper won't fail.
"
"with representations pictorial,
and many a fine editorial,
the north pole of earth, it
would seem, must be worth it,
so savour those scenes circumboreal.
"
"that nativity play was a farce.
the d?nouement, the real coup de gr?ce,
was when mary said, ""joe,
they all say i don't know
where my ass is."" and joseph said, ""pass.""
"
"if you speak of ""warm red"" or ""cold blue"",
that's a temperature and a hue;
value shades dark to light;
complementaries fight:
colour properties name what you view.
"
"if a crowd of complainants play ball,
there's no need for a lawyerly brawl.
a recalcitrant faction
can bring a class action ?
one suit; compensation for all.
"
"is my life consequential or in-?
am i magic, or due for the bin?
have my deeds left a mark,
or should i seek the dark,
and just do myself in? 
"
"to triturate something you must
poke it hard till it falls into dust.
so contriturate should
grind together ? and would,
if all derivations were just.
"
"an embittered and tearful young naiad
sought catharsis in this jeremiad
at the well woman clinic:
how a false-hearted cynic
had abandoned her spring for a dryad.
"
"ucello's italian for ""bird"",
and a slang term for ""penis"", i've heard.
in italian, if you
start to talk of ""bird flu"",
then a social disease is inferred.
"
"it's a box, with a catch, and what's more, a
pair of locks by the latch ? and i'm sure a
tiny peek is no sin;
just a glimpse ? what's within?
click it open and show me, pandora.
"
"""if i sell compound verbs,"" pete was thinking,
""i can treble my income by linking
auxiliary spares!""
and pete's wife, unawares,
compounded: ""you must have been drinking.""
"
"if the climate you're in's continental,
then the temperature's not temperamental
day by day, but by season:
summer broils; winter's freezin' ?
a maritime climate's more gentle.
"
"in my matrix (augmented) the rank
hasn't risen: perhaps i can crank
out solutions to match
my equations?the catch:
there is no guarantee, to be frank.
"
"my belly has ""growed"", just like topsy.
lying down, it swells sideways, all flopsy.
when i twist, it goes ""slosh"",
so my doctor says, ""gosh,
this could well be abdominal dropsy.""
"
"a check dam allays any fear
of a flood from upstream ? to the rear.
if you build one, it's made
with the aid of a spade;
when it's done, you could call it a weir.
"
"the clothes moth is really a pest.
just look at the holes in my vest!
on that fluttering curse
i composed a fine verse
but the damn thing has eaten
"
"though a quark may have charm, there's an anti-,
and the mesons they form may be scanty;
but i'll make this encomium
to that meson: charmonium,
though i'd rather hear fats or durante.
"
"correctitude, portmanteau word,
has the sense of correctness that's stirred
with rectitude. mention
your moral convention
and critics are surely deterred.
"
"he craves maths, she craves art: that's their curse,
though they pledged 'twas for better or worse.
while he longs for more sums,
she seeks rum-ti-tum-tums
and soon finds her catharsis in verse.
"
"aquarellists might kick up a stink
if you say ""watercolour"", i think.
all their brush-wielding art
is more rare and apart,
for their medium's transparent ? it's ink.
"
"my beach house is grand, on the strand;
it will stand, as was planned, on the land,
till the earth starts a-quaking,
when i'll be forsaking
this house that is built upon sand.
"
"derivation of astrogate's clear
from its roots: it's a star that you steer.
navigation guides ships
(navis: latin. no quips!)
but it means ""guide a starship"", i fear.
"
"the bankers aren't paying their tailors,
as the credit crunch turns them to wailers.
who will give them a cent
when we all know they've lent
countless billions to trash for their trailers?
"
"the credit crunch? who would have guessed
that my efforts to pay would go west.
though this crown is fantastic,
my dentist took plastic?
i've just had my teeth repossessed.
"
"said in cymric, the greeting sounds nice:
as they smile, they say ""twll tyn pob sais"",
sing cwm rhondda ? and that
very loud, very flat.
just avoid them, and don't go there twice.
"
"customariness can't be assumed;
what a sorry mess might be presumed.
if you want to guess how,
see our youth obsess: now!
ask for any less? normalcy's doomed.
"
"cryotolerant people will go
round in shorts when it's hip-deep in snow.
as their knees cake with ice,
they say, ""hey, this is nice!""
(they're canadian, wouldn't you know.)
"
"a summons has come, and, oh my!
it says to be present, or die.
i object to that tone,
so i'll say (on the phone)
that i can't bring myself to comply.
"
"a colorcast, only last night,
gave me and my zeitgeist a fright.
i thought, ""it's absurd,
defining that word,
when no-one recalls black-and-white.""
"
"there's the bat, and the gloves, and the pads,
and a helmet these days (modern fads);
add a ball, bails and stumps,
and a pitch, free of bumps ?
and a box for protection (for lads).
"
"the ever-so-talented ripley
could make cutting remarks very fliply.
that was then; this is now;
it's no longer a wow
to say people on crutches are cripply.
"
"bracket creep (and its kin, fiscal drag)
lets the tax-free allowances lag
behind rises in pay ?
it's an underhand way
of increasing the revenue's bag.
"
"of detractors, dc has sufficiency;
if you live there, you'll note a deficiency
that is second to none
with the way that it's run:
northern charm, mixed with southern efficiency.
"
"ac?lomates don't have a cavity
to cushion their innards from gravity.
so for fear they might fall
they don't grow very tall,
nor indulge in excessive depravity.
"
"plain old toad-in-the-hole is a scatter
of sausages, baked in a batter.
if the sausage you drop
and replace with a chop,
then it's chop toad ? a different matter.
"
"the government gravely admits
that delinquency (seen in young brits)
can be set at the door
of their broken homes. war
didn't have that effect in the blitz.
"
"why rely on a hole in a tree?
leave your stocks for safe-keeping with me!
all your coupons i'll clip,
or i'll manage a drip,
for a modest custodial fee.
"
"conceptualism is smart:
take a taxi, a bus, and a cart,
hold your breath in abeyance,
and think: a conveyance.
philosophy maybe ? but art?
"
"chasidism fills me with joy,
as i dance, and clap hands, and shout ""oy!""
the baal shem says: rejoice
with your heart and your voice ?
it's quite hard to explain to a goy.
"
"though a candlelit dinner might soften us,
will the smoke cause the waiter to cough on us?
no, the opaline milk
of that light, like shot silk,
makes us glow in its gloaming cymophanous.
"
"bond-washing's the cure for my pain;
i sell bonds, then repurchase. it's plain:
if the coupon that's paid
goes to him, with this trade
i've turned income to capital gain.
"
"while each sunflower stands like a pole,
the blooms seek the sun as a whole;
circumnutate each day ?
a head-turning array ?
so in france that's their name: tournesol.
"
"it's a lump in the lady-part (inner),
where the bladder protrudes ? the wall's thinner
if you ever gave birth.
colpocystocele's worth
lots of points ? but at scrabble, not dinner.
"
"oh, montgomery! am i a square, mont?
this canadian cringe drives me spare, mont.
if they didn't rebrand
new york's plaza, demand:
why are cp hotels now called fairmont?
"
"cross-examine the witness. at worst
she'll repeat what she's said from the first,
and my learn?d friend's questions
will find no suggestions
that anyone here is coerced.
"
"cystoprostat- and -ectomy, yet!
a procedure i'll live to regret.
but at least i'm alive;
with no prostate i'll thrive ?
but no bladder? come change me: i'm wet.
"
"blank endorsement these days is much rarer:
""know your client"" ? comply with the terror.
such an instrument, see,
doesn't name a payee,
so it says to a bank: pay the bearer.
"
"i've far less spare time than i'd reckoned:
my mom will be here in a second;
and i have to get cracking
on college-bound packing ?
and canning (my garden is fecund).
"
"he poured water and leaves in a crucible ?
the leaves, he declared, were infusible.
""add milk, and you'll see
it's a nice cup of tea!""
when we tasted, that wasn't conclusible.
"
"to book tickets i once volunteered;
searched for ""virgin"" and saw what appeared.
when just booking a flight
keeps me up half the night,
i no longer say ""wired"", i say ""weird"".
"
"biorhythmic, i measure my days:
twenty-three in the physical ways;
my emotional peak
hits me every fourth week;
thirty-three and my mind will amaze.
"
"the gentleman says i'm a codder ?
that i'm taking the peas. which is odder?
if his garden is full,
it's his leg you might pull
while i'm gathering peasecods for fodder.
"
"for her make-up she's known far and wide,
for each day a new layer's applied.
it would clearly behoove her
to use a remover
each night ? at the cost of her pride.
"
"tell the kid that his mom's got cirrhosis;
say his dog died of phobic mycosis;
make him cry, for god's sake,
so we'll get this damn take ?
whatcha mean, he's got dacryostenosis?
"
"cartilage squats in its fort;
growth of your bones it will thwart.
your fate, from this morphism
medics call ""dwarfism
achondroplastic""? you're short.
"
"on the beaches of puerto vallarta
are canadians; greeks live in sparta;
and in java, the dutch
don't do anything much,
except ask you the way to batavia.
"
"i write dozens of these every day
in my neighbourhood cybercaf?.
if the effort to edit
brings thoughts like ""fergeddit"",
the caffeine soon comes into play.
"
"certain things come with puberty: zits,
and your crotch hair, and hair in your pits.
if your mother should say
it's not hair, it's crotch hay,
don't believe her; but watch out for nits.
"
"the vegans might call me a rat,
but my dairy cow argument's pat.
they all ask, ""how's she feel
as her calf goes for veal?""
when she'd not be alive, but for that.
"
"to see you is always a pleasure,
so i'll fill up my pockets with treasure;
for each moment's a jewel
and i'll break any rule
to be with you ? a joy beyond measure.
"
"while discoursing of morris or ruskin,
i like to sip wine from a cuskin.
then when i get bored,
i just grab my accord-
ion, saying: ""i'm goin' out buskin'.""
"
"trips to amsterdam? costly, i fear,
for a diamond shop's always quite near.
when it started to rain,
i could hardly complain
when my love said, ""let's shelter in here.""
"
"wind the rotor with wire; set the stator
(it's a magnet) to span its equator.
when that coil's spinning loose
then you feed it the juice
through a rotating switch: commutator.
"
"hold the loaf between bicep and bust
as you carve the recalcitrant crust;
let the succulent crumb
to serrations succumb ?
but to butter it first is a must.
"
"my husband's transparent. a few
of our friends ask me, ""what do you do
if he's lost in the throng?""
i just sing him ""our song"",
which (of course) is ""the clearness of you"".
"
"on the evening i murdered the butler
his demise could have been a lot subtler
if the knife had been keen
when i sliced out his spleen ?
could you please recommend a good cutler?
"
"current yield sets the price: it's secure.
trading bonds is a fate they endure.
but while many bond traders
may act like eighth-graders,
the bonds that they trade will mature.
"
"cricetids can't hope to control
what they see when they go for a stroll,
but the view from a wheel
has a timeless appeal
for a hamster, or gerbil, or vole.
"
"assemblages show us how art
can be made from a cast-off spare part,
and a rusty old spring,
and all that kind of thing?
then you sell it for millions ? that's smart.
"
"horses' crib-biting, so we're assured,
is a sign that they're terribly bored.
chomp the crib; swallow air;
broken wind? ? don't go there.
they're restored if they board on the sward.
"
"connectivity must be a fable;
i'm fumbling under the table,
and i'm choking on dust
as my friend says, ""it's just
that you don't have a crossover cable.""
"
"two nuns of two orders; some vandals
in pursuit of the pair for some scandals?
one nun is dead meat;
but the other is fleet,
for her order is calced ? they wear sandals.
"
"a cornishman walked from st. just
to the tamar, then stopped (as one must).
when he'd walked, for no bounty,
the length of the county,
his pasty was down to the crust.
"
"acid chlorides, as chemists will tell,
are reactive ? unpleasant as well.
unlike vinegar's acid,
these compounds aren't placid,
so be cautious with co-cl.
"
"i enjoy older cars very much,
but their crash boxes need a fine touch.
with no synchromesh, hear
me for miles, changing gear:
va-va-voom as i double-declutch.
"
"i'd my sixth botox treatment today,
but the wrinkles just won't go away.
said my doctor, ""the facts are,
you've got cutis laxa ?
just face it: you'll stay a shar-pei.""
"
"ctenizidae (now ctenizoidea)
in their homebuilding might have employed ya
to conceal their trap-doors
in the cool forest floors;
but, as spiders, they'd rather avoid ya.
"
"the cheviot hills form the border
that keeps england and scotland in order.
and a cheviot, too,
is a local sheep, who
doesn't know who will next be its warder.
"
"in west africa, hard itchy lumps
they call craw-craw left joe in the dumps.
in this case, a kindness:
it's not river-blindness ?
i resolve to drink only from pumps.
"
"in the evening i'm witty, verbose,
but the dawn finds me ever morose.
thus i face the tomorrows
of drowning my sorrows,
not finding the curative dose.
"
"chinese liver-flukes won't make you smile;
clonorchiasis bungs up your bile.
the worst-case prognosis
may well be cirrhosis,
which means no more drinking. how vile!
"
"atlantic, but south of nantucket,
blue perch can steal bait from your bucket.
it's an edible fish
that would grace any dish,
and not where the parrot says, ""
"
"if you're setting a staghound or beagle
to hunt stags or to shoot down an eagle,
cynegetics is what
you are doing, but not
here in england you won't: it's illegal.
"
"a cymometer looks at the spurts
of old faithful, the flapping of shirts,
song of whale, song of bat ?
it takes measure of that
and displays what it's measured, in hertz.
"
"a blastomere's what you might beg
if you needed a fertilised egg
that you wanted to share
with your sister, and bear
cousin-twins. (are you pulling my leg?)
"
"for steering a horse side to side all
you need is head-harness. then ride all
the way to the fair ?
maybe find someone there:
every mare knows her groom has a bridle.
"
"a bite indicator gives note
that a fish has just nibbled. your boat
may tell tale when a handsome
shark chomps on the transom;
on rivers or ponds, watch the float.
"
"my basal metabolism rocks
like a cradle: it won't blow off socks.
it's so slow that you'd strive
to detect i'm alive ?
which is why i'm nailed up in this box.
"
"breatharians' processes (inner)
run on fresh air and light for their dinner
and breakfast and lunch,
but i have a slight hunch
that this far-fetched regime makes them thinner.
"
"crevicular fluid's what comes
from the place where your teeth meet your gums.
it pervades that connection
and wards off infection
you get from the sucking of thumbs.
"
"i write verse, he plays tennis, ok?
(though his sport trumps my art for the pay.)
it'll cause no upheaval,
our being coeval,
with congruent birth dates ? same day.
"
"so you ""reckoned"", you say, that i have a
cut-glass accent? you're frightfully clever.
i admire you, young girl;
you'll go far, and do well ?
make the queen sound quite common? oh, never!
"
"cotton strain is a noun, say the polls:
""feeds primarily on cotton."" poor souls ?
lexicographers, cribbing,
deserve this round ribbing:
like the pest, what they thrive on is bolls.
"
"i've dusted the dance floor with powder
(french chalk), and i couldn't be prouder:
girls aglow and boys tall
at the graduate ball,
they'll recall they made summer come louder.
"
"a burial chamber's perfection
keeps you safe to await resurrection.
but your new mausoleum
is the british museum,
as the star of their latest collection.
"
"apocrustic? i'm that, but artistic,
and not even slightly sadistic.
astringent and tannic ?
repellent ? germanic?
not that one! (i say, optimistic.)
"
"with your words you should practise economy
if you'd criticise my physiognomy.
all my forebears were vain,
also rich and insane,
so to kill you won't strain my cleronomy.
"
"of my seat i was right on the edge,
shouting ""mush!"" to the dogs, from my sledge,
but my zeal for that seal
(with my club) was not real,
for a club rush is bulrush, or sedge.
"
"this ad says you need a chorographer ?
why these girls? do you want a pornographer?
no, i can't teach them tap,
i'm just making a map.
with some ease you might slap your stenographer.
"
"no frenchman was ever as smart
as that clever old chappie descartes.
his coordinate system
finds things if you've missed 'em:
x over, y up, on the chart.
"
"the consols provided a pension
for people we'd rather not mention;
these government stocks
will tick every box
for accountants? i've lost your attention.
"
"with attachment and  figure i'm hinting
at a love that's unbound and unstinting.
it's a jungian term:
to your mother hold firm,
while zoologists talk of imprinting.
"
"you're riding me now, like a jockey.
i've dressed puck, and it wasn't for hockey.
but your costumes will crackle,
my dearest, sweet raquel,
and be, as you ask, ""belly-pockey"".
"
"commodiousness is like sun
if you're camping, and rain has begun.
when you're buying a tent
and don't want to repent,
take the number you meant, and add one.
"
"chorizema (aussie flame pea)
is not what i thought it would be ?
which was sausages (spanish)
that cause (or that banish)
the urge to scratch bits you can't see.
"
"in viewing my cupolaed home
(more like constantinople than rome),
the estate agent said
that he'd sooner be dead
than be led to another small dome.
"
"all my creditors can't even guess
just how much i'm in debt. nonetheless,
at my home, bailiffs try
to get in; i say, ""bye! ?
just apply to my business address.""
"
"my action plan: go on a bender ?
that seems an alluring agenda.
i just got the shove
from that bastard i love,
so i'll dive off the wagon with splendour.
"
"no offence, but there'll be no apology
for my topic today: criminology;
for it strives to make sense
of those ladies and gents
of a criminal bent (a tautology).
"
"buying bonds, what you pay will include
any interest that may have accrued.
if a clean price was quoted,
the total gets bloated ?
like sales tax, except you're not screwed.
"
"it isn't as bad as you think,
even though i feel blue, clad in mink.
every sound, every touch
is a colour as such.
chrom?sthesia's tickled me pink!
"
"tiny feet may be pattering gaily,
though the wife checks her temperature daily.
priest and pope (and we're with 'em)
say, ""only use rhythm.""
so get dressed, and we'll go to the ceilidh.
"
"our race was close-run: no remorse
for supporters who yelled themselves hoarse.
and close, so it's reckoned,
means ""tenths of a second"",
or ""round the cathedral"" (our course).
"
"little pictures will show where to go
in a crisis ? designedly so.
written language goes by
when the anguish is high;
put your trust in the stick-men: they know.
"
"a cystolithotomy, known
to old medics as ""cutting for stone"",
was the cure if you had a
large stone in your bladder ?
a cure you'd prefer to postpone.
"
"amo and amas make amamus:
conjugated, there's nothing can harm us.
we are one that were two:
you are me; i am you.
may adultery never becharm us.
"
"a call risk supposes a threat
of early repayment of debt.
when you're knee-deep in cash
you may have to be rash,
re-investing for what you can get.
"
"being civil, we never disparage
the confetti, the rings, or the carriage.
with our union (generic),
under law (not a cleric),
we are wed, but we mustn't say marriage.
"
"after twenty-plus years of relation,
civil partnership prompts a libation.
we've got fallen arches
from all those pride marches:
we've earned this conventionalization.
"
"they stand by his graveside, condoling,
and think what they do is consoling.
but my husband's belief
was to exorcise grief
with a party. come on, let's get rolling!
"
"a change key will open one lock.
other entries? you'll just have to knock.
when the master key's yours
you can open all doors ?
and i've got it right here in my sock.
"
"when you desecate grass, then that day
marks the start of the making of hay,
for you scythe it all down;
then the sun turns it brown
as it desiccates, halting decay.
"
"black-market goods, under the table,
sold as seen, have no price tag or label.
if you harbour a passion
for stuff that's on ration,
you'll get it for cash, if you're able.
"
"when you enter the u s of a,
they take digital photos today,
and your fingerprints, scanned,
can be seen through the land,
for your details are bit-mapped. hooray.
"
"i applied for a job as a bunny,
but my eyes were all wrinkled (and runny).
""you've got crow's feet, i fear."" ?
""no, they're laughter-lines, dear!"" ?
""maybe so, but there's nothing that funny.""
"
"cytogeny comes on in spells,
as a growth spurt that suddenly swells
all the bits that were smaller ?
you also get taller ?
because of the forming of cells.
"
"as i said to my father confessor,
""i have sinned, and it's mortal, unless a
good friend will not mock
when i envy his frock""
(and that crucifix!) ? i'm a cross-dresser.
"
"corroborative detail? pooh-bah
had a penchant for that. the mika-
do prescribed melted lead;
for the head that was dead
was his son's ? just one detail too far.
"
"pull that saddle-strap tight, every inch
is important, although it may pinch.
for this item of tack
keeps you safe on the back
of your horse, so of course it's a cinch.
"
"my old aunt stayed at home, not comportable;
saw the tennis court's moss: it's not sportable;
asked a gardener to call,
and took off her old shawl
so she'd look like she might be consortable.
"
"said the lawyer, ""ten minutes will do;
i've more clients to see to than you.""
said the madam, ""don't fudge.
i can call on a judge,
for my girls are well-cliented, too.""
"
"if you like to depict someone's skull,
you won't think craniography's dull;
but your patients, assured
that you'll never be bored,
will reveal that the content is null.
"
"the criminal class, nature's dross,
were transported ? to somebody's loss.
psychological scars
have been cleansed by the stars:
crux australis, the old southern cross.
"
"deprecatingly, mother said, ""dearie,
of your looks and behaviour i'm weary.
and i must have been mad
when i married your dad,
having studied inheritance theory.""
"
"of decorativeness, there's a glut:
so much beauty of bosom or butt.
and the one on my arm
will do nobody harm
as long as the mouth remains shut.
"
"working there was like clutching a thistle;
every word that was said made me bristle.
i resigned. they all cheered.
now it's just as they feared,
with my suit for constructive dismissal.
"
"lovely breda arrived in breda,
having fled from the wrath of her pa.
for the province (brabant,
in the netherlands) can't
interfere with her running a bar.
"
"our sharp-eyed expenses surveyor
is not what you'd call a team-player.
what i thought he'd accept
made him laugh till he wept,
leaving me as the only defrayer.
"
"will obama make energy cheap?
as ye sow, is it wind ye shall reap?
carbon trading for sure
lines the pockets of gore:
in year four, who'll be funding the creep?
"
"though his writing's the best to be had,
all the news he reports has been bad.
now ""our own correspondent""
is frankly despondent;
like eeyore, he's boggy and sad.
"
"defacement is done to a wall
by a person whose intellect's small ?
or restricted, let's say.
education today
doesn't teach them much more than to scrawl.
"
"i'm a vampire, and don't think i'm griping;
a and b from my teeth i am wiping.
but what leaves me aglow
is when virgins shriek: ""o!""
then i go (with the flow) ? that's blood-typing.
"
"cytological studies avail
lab technicians with skills up for sale
if a resum? tells
of their knowledge of cells
(biological ones, and not jail).
"
"against wrinkles and sagging i wage
endless war, but i'm reaching the stage
where i don't care a bit,
for i'm proud to admit
my exact chronological age.
"
"bond ratings are under assault
as the bonds turn to dross in our vault,
and we've something to say
to the people who weigh
up the chances that they will default.
"
"as a swimmer, i have to confess
that i'm always the last one to dress,
as the lockers i prowl
in pursuit of my towel ?
""someone steal it?"" ? i damply say, ""yes.""
"
"now don't think i'm twisted or bitter
'cause i'm stuck in this chair ? i'm a sitter ?
and my sixty-inch waist
leaves me perfectly placed
to reach out for another corn fritter.
"
"a dactylospasm, today,
left me wondering just what to say.
when the fellow had reckoned
i'd silently beckoned,
this came to my lips: ""go away.""
"
"they sit at their desks and they slumber
while their brains i attempt to encumber
with learning (a loser) ?
i'll try an amuser:
the days 'til vacation we'll number.
"
"a cyclostyle's quite a utensil:
it isn't a pen or a pencil,
but with tiny toothed wheels
what i write it reveals
as it cuts little holes in a stencil.
"
"are better-off people more healthy?
they're not the top notch of the wealthy;
and their doctors will guess
that they suffer from stress
as the joneses are creeping up, stealthy.
"
"many lords, in their ermine resplendent,
sit on government benches, ascendant,
or on benches opposing.
between them, not dozing,
the crossbenchers sit, independent.
"
"on the stump, they're renowned for their breeziness;
little babies they'll hug, for their squeeziness.
but once they're elected
they get disaffected ?
politicians are known for their cheesiness.
"
"the college board said, no-one gets in
'less they know that stettin is now szczecin.
my historical knowledge
fell short for that college:
the poles have now called all the bets in.
"
"your dungeon technique is enlightened,
and i thought that i wouldn't be frightened
'til you shouted ""haha!""
when i asked to phone ma ?
and so cruelly told me i mightn't.
"
"though people might say that i'm lardy,
i've never been what you'd call hardy.
i just freeze in a breeze,
though it's twenty degrees:
cry?sthesia! pass me my cardie.
"
"in the cavalry, harry of wales
holds a cornetcy. what this entails,
for a second lieutenant,
is starching his pennant,
ensuring the right side prevails.
"
"robin, maurice, and barry, take care.
though the bee gees' detractors are rare,
it has to be said
you sing more from the head ?
the chest register's saved for the hair.
"
"i am singing consumptively ? cough!
soon this mortal coil i'll shuffle off.
since i'm loud and i'm fat
you might not believe that;
but it's opera! cheer, and don't scoff.
"
"all my friends have been treated rejectively
by my mum and my sister, connectively.
so, to cut short the tome,
if i happen to roam,
i'll say, ""come to my home ? circumspectively.""
"
"""limerick dictionary? ? what rhymes with crenellate?""
asked mad bill, as he worked to redentilate
my mouth with a filling.
i've got one; it's thrilling ?
bill says: ""breathe, jim."" i think: hyperventilate.
"
"the ibo, a tribe in nigeria,
were widely despised as inferior.
when biafra seceded,
supplies were impeded,
so closing the last cafeteria.
"
"every phone box in italy's planned
so the length of two arms can be spanned,
and the gestures, so wide,
of the caller, inside,
show the world that chironomy's grand!
"
"depatriate all who'd advance
sedition! let such take their chance
where lazarus (emma)
can solve our dilemma
with words on a statue from france.
"
"going nowhere at all in particular,
i discovered a creaky funicular.
all the cracks round the door,
in the walls, and the floor
were so wide they were more than crevicular.
"
"of a derrick the praises i'm singing:
one that's good if you've goods that need slinging.
any dockside will gain
from this versatile crane,
whose eponym set folk a-swinging.
"
"a historian-priest begged his deity
to set him apart from the laity;
for his aim to the last
was to live in the past,
and not suffer contemporaneity.
"
"a papal indulgence of yore
meant your guilt (for a fee) was no more.
carbon credits defray
modern guilt ? you still pay,
but the pope for our day is al gore.
"
"the derrick was drenched by the pall
from its jet of black gold, i recall.
when the gusher's brute power
knocked over its tower,
a texan remarked, ""is that all?""
"
"i tried decholesterolization,
but it gave me a nasty sensation.
i could lower the fat in
my blood with a statin,
but it gave me a nasty sensation.
"
"amphibian pets can be cute
if their names have been chosen to suit.
is a frog called ""yvette""
just as apt as you'll get?
mine's called ""tiny"", because he's my newt.
"
"olympics give many a nation
just cause for a just jubilation.
but the stadia tend,
with the games at an end,
to embody desertification.
"
"i'm the type that resents taking rest,
which was harmful, as i convalesced.
so they tied me down tight
when they turned off the light
at eight-thirty ? ""it's all for the best!""
"
"they said that no man could approach her,
be he stalker, or burglar, or poacher.
but i just had to ask,
while presenting a cask,
if she fancied herself as a broacher.
"
"will experiment farms make a clearing
round their frankenstein veggies? i'm fearing
tattie triffids one day
will arrive to make hay
of us all, with this bioengineering.
"
"i used to sell counterfeit jam,
and it made me the rich man i am.
at its peak of success,
fermentation (i guess)
blew the lid off my sweet little scam.
"
"the block vote's democracy, see,
and when union leaders agree
on a break, how'd you think
they decide what to drink?
""i have forty-three thousand for 'tea'.""
"
"so it's antimagnetic, my watch,
and its function the bomb will not scotch.
it'll work, and be worn
by my son ? if he's born:
just remind me to lead-line my crotch.
"
"""here's a fluddilup that'll amaze ya,
and the mithulfaf grombledud crazier""??
i can hear my watch tick;
am i thick as a brick?
no, i'm sick: it's acoustic aphasia.
"
"but your verse could do worse than offend, sir,
even curtained, could tend to upend, sir,
the smut-hardened senses
of those whose defence is
the name: custos morum ? a guardian of morals.
"
"in life's lottery, surely i've won,
for i land on my feet, in the sun.
mother says it was worth
all the pain of breech birth
when they call me a son of a gun.
"
"i sipped at my warm chardonnay
as i sucked on a limp crudit?,
and decided the devil
had catered this revel.
next course: rubber chicken. oy vay!
"
"i'm a green-hearted arbitrage planner,
taking cans from fort wayne, indiana,
to detroit, where they each
yield a dime ? what a peach! ?
which explains my insouciant manner.
"
"i danced at the last coronation;
now i sit by the wall in frustration.
i could be much more agile
if my bones weren't so fragile
because of demineralisation.
"
"depending on whether a treat
can be made out of pigs' ears or feet,
or on whether a bean
is its own haute cuisine,
i might stop depending on meat.
"
"a chemical agent is fond
of producing a chemical bond,
or disrupting the same;
but when asked if its name
might be james, it will never respond.
"
"never think i don't notice your glare
as you stare at my fair derri?re.
does my bum look too big?
well, i don't give a fig.
all the clothing just clings to what's there.
"
"being ""link of the day"" makes us nervous,
for what throws all our servers a curve is
a blitz of new hits:
it just sits, on the fritz,
and admits a denial of service.
"
"if you fill in a form but suspect
that there's not enough time to reflect,
and your head's full of air,
default options are there
where the boxes are already checked.
"
"a decimetre (tenth of a metre)
when cubed will define a full litre.
that said, it's okay
in the u. s. of a.
to insist that ""four inches"" looks neatre.
"
"spinal tap got some feedback ? a whine ?
which they thought could be something malign.
but their amps were too strong
for all three of the throng,
so the max was derated to nine.
"
"i said to him, ""oi! that's enough!""
and that's when the bloke cut up rough.
by the end of the fight
he was out like a light.
though i dress like a woman, i'm tough.
"
"when the nazis marched in, we surmise
that gda?sk got a nasty surprise.
all in vain to resist:
under hitler's iron fist,
it was danzig, with tears in its eyes.
"
"approximation's a method progressive,
especially when it's successive.
by results of each guess,
make the next error less
and home in on the answer. impressive!
"
"if their beauty can never seduce,
let the things in your home be of use.
if you don't like cut flowers,
that vase overpowers.
it's decorative? no, you're obtuse.
"
"a cubomedusa is not
what you'll meet if you're bathing at splott.
the box jellyfish quails
in the waters round wales,
for its home, like its sting, must be hot.
"
"near st austell, a plasticine dwarf
sits and twiddles his toes on the wharf.
for his substance, he'd own
he'd prefer china stone:
cease your longing for kaolin, morph!
"
"the cold economics of broadswords
are dull if you cannot afford swords.
will a highlander pay more
to get a good claymore?
what's better when rushing toward swords?
"
"dermatomycosis is not
what i'd like to admit that i've got.
athlete's foot is the least
of my trials with this beast,
as (under my clothing) i rot.
"
"i have updated a, and want b,
but i'm waiting for b to be free;
b is locked 'til the day
you get access to a?
it's a deadly embrace, as you see.
"
"between sauchiehall street and the station,
do your best to avoid confrontation.
say one word that's amiss
and a real glasgow kiss
is the stunning (if apt) salutation.
"
"with client-centered therapy, you
tell your shrink what you think is askew.
he will mirror, not lead,
and each treatment's agreed ?
or at least so he'll plead, if you sue.
"
"a control grid, when put in a diode,
acts to modulate ? now it's a triode.
cognoscenti aspire
to a valve amplifier;
a transistor's unwelcome in my ode.
"
"for the cumulative total return,
take the income investments may earn,
then take capital gains,
and with infinite pains
add them up; now you've money to burn!
"
"the binary search ? a fast way
to find 'x' in a sorted array.
it'll chop lists in two
with each pass it goes through.
get results back real quick, no delay.
"
"developmental disability set a
bad start to this limerick, yet a
commitment to tend
can ensure, in the end,
that it's good, though we can't make it better.
"
"""don't talk with your mouth full,"" we're told;
deipnosophists surely would scold ?
for they're the ones able
to chat at the table,
amusing, while dinner gets cold.
"
"when i'm having a treat ? jellied eels ?
then some salt, also pepper, appeals.
but the sauce i desire
mixes sharpness with fire:
chili vinegar spins all my wheels.
"
"deuteropathy often beguiles
with its sympathy, spreading your trials.
does the pain in my toes
come from picking my nose?
does my head ache because i have piles?
"
"a secret's a thing you bestow
when you gossip with friends, just to show
you know who, what, and how;
but the trouble is, now
it's declassified, no-one will know.
"
"my moniker here's jiminroses;
my significant other supposes
that the chap he calls ""jim"",
now a stranger to him,
has depersonalisation neurosis.
"
"when the yugo was in my possession
it was driven with utmost discretion.
all that denting was done
when the thing wouldn't run,
with my boot, in a fit of aggression.
"
"i guess that you find my debility
of great labour-saving utility,
since your parcels and crap
are piled up in my lap;
from my wheelchair, i toast your mobility.
"
"when their ma's away, no-one complains.
favorite dinners? it doesn't take brains.
i just take a quick look
at her cookery book,
and make stuff from the pages with stains.
"
"when i'm starving and ready to peg
out in paris, here's what i would beg:
croque-monsieur ? cheese and ham
on some toast. croque-madame
is the same, only topped with an egg.
"
"in chesterfield, always take caution:
the cathedral is ever god's portion,
but the beams in its steeple
were green, and now people
might fear it could fall, from detortion.
"
"""its colours take root in the earth,
with the shades of the winter's rebirth.""
so it goes, all the artspeak,
but hearing the heart speak,
they're thinking they know what it's worth.
"
"lister's theories were spurned vitriolically
by old surgeons, stiff-coated symbolically.
but the phenol he sprayed
was enough to dissuade
all the bugs, which were conquered carbolically.
"
"cooperativeness, i should mention,
is the path of concerted intention,
when a group's common goal
makes them act as a whole.
it was never a left-wing invention.
"
"in some languages nouns are declensional,
so the endings they take are conventional.
a declension's a norm
where each case has its form ?
it makes english seem quite one-dimensional.
"
"am i turning eccentric? i am.
and i'm stuck to a shaft; i'm a cam.
will i push this rod through?
think i can ... think i do ?
thought i could ? yes i knew it! hot damn!
"
"if your signal evades resolution,
this technique will provide a solution:
to subtract interference,
restoring coherence,
just utilise deconvolution.
"
"desert locusts swarmed in, don't you know?
ate each section, each field, and each row.
they were eighth on the plagues list
(saw egypt on craigslist) ?
the tenth made the pharaoh let go.
"
"accusing, my wit can be brittle;
i sharpen a barb to belittle.
but, as a delator,
my pleasure is greater
denouncing with venom and spittle.
"
"crashworthiness tells if a dent
is a minor or fatal event.
in a total up-ender,
that dent in your fender
is minor ? your heirs will assent.
"
"there is an old biker named lance,
who keeps on surprising in france,
where the drug tests again
and again are in vain,
'cause he's clean (which they knew in advance).
"
"all my fashion-plate sandals have feetworthiness,
and my west-chelsea butcher has meatworthiness.
give me hams, give me hocks,
but not sandals with socks,
because hose seen on toes has deleteworthiness.
"
"though my girlfriend, marie, thinks a lot o' me,
her twin sister, conjoined, made a sot o' me.
while we're dancing up swirls,
sister ogles the girls;
now marie is dead set on dichotomy.
"
"a cramp ring has power, i trow,
that king edward, the saint, did endow.
if the bless?d confessor
makes cramps any lesser
(or fits), then i guess i'll ask: how?
"
"when he spoke off the cuff, people laughed
at his blunders?they thought he was daft.
did he really believe
he could read from his sleeve?
but ad-libbing's an art, not a craft.
"
"a beam scale won't measure the sun.
slide the weight past each notch, one by one;
if the increase in torque
tips the balance at ""pork""
you'll be gloomy, when all's said and done.
"
"will my peacemaking efforts gain vigour
if the truce is observed with due rigour?
for d?tente is the key
to the ceasefire, you see,
while d?tente is the french for ""a trigger"".
"
"just a glimpse, and i let out a shriek;
but the doc shows me more every week.
and my phobia's cure
comes from what i endure
with desensitisation technique.
"
"my investments are making me squirm,
as my statement, today, will confirm.
in financial distress,
all the gods i will bless
if they punish my brokerage firm.
"
"using granite, i'm stealing a march
on those builders whose bridges lack starch.
while resistance to tension
is fine for suspension,
compressive strength calls for an arch.
"
"can a monarch's almighty decree
call a halt to the tides of the sea?
i say powers of kings
should extend to such things;
king canute was too modest for me.
"
"delectableness speaks of taste
that no gourmet could savour in haste.
it's the pleasure that lingers
while licking my fingers ?
and don't ever mention my waist.
"
"the hay's cut, but the grass is still growing;
the sun shines, and the roses are blowing.
when the season is fair,
sharpen blades to prepare
for the aftermath: once more a-mowing.
"
"denominate this; give a name
to a thing, then a fee you can claim.
and though cash is abominated
it's also denominated
in ones, fives, or tens, just the same.
"
"i've remodelled my grandfather's slacks;
now my boy-cut bikini attracts
all the masculine hunks
who admire my trunks,
and i don't have to suffer a wax.
"
"this once-homogeneous nation
is well on its way to cremation.
the rivers of blood
will be in full flood,
unless there's detribalization.
"
"sit in front or behind on your bike, sis;
from my standpoint, i know what you like, sis.
but the ride doesn't stop ?
do i rise, or you drop?
i know bottom from top, thanks to deixis.
"
"the decimal numeration system
uses 0?9, as you'd list 'em.
hexadecimal's def
adds the letters to 'f' ?
with ten fingers, i can't say i've missed 'em.
"
"a dessertspoonful cannot avert
the connection, so sweet, with dessert.
such a measure of chilli
provokes, willy-nilly,
a most unexpected alert.
"
"a diaphote doesn't pay tax,
comb cotton, card wool, or ret flax;
but an image it's able
to send down a cable.
these days, we might call it a fax.
"
"to forestall the great stigma of aids,
kindly doctors played kindly charades:
death certificates said
why these people were dead ?
deuteropathies killed them, in spades.
"
"with that ""we can rebuild him,"" the nation
gave steve austin a standing ovation.
he had bumps in his stumps
that could actuate pumps:
cinematic (and how!) amputation.
"
"when you take to your bed with cirrhosis,
decumbiture gives your prognosis.
if the movements of saturn
should make the wrong pattern,
you'll live or you'll die of neurosis.
"
"acclamation's too close for decision,
so a bell will announce a division.
members cannot sit tight:
noes go left; ayes go right.
will the vote bring delight or derision?
"
"decumbiture's taking to bed
with a pain in your guts or your head,
and the time that you lie,
until, failing to die,
you decide that you're better, instead.
"
"a disciform thing's like a disc,
i believe i can say without risk.
it is roundish and flat,
there's no doubt about that,
like a wafer you whisk in your bisque.
"
"in the tour de france, cyclists may mope
as they work out the dosage of dope.
will that hill be so steep
that their cycle shorts weep?
a clinometer measures the slope.
"
"this ride in the fairground's dinetical.
unpleasantly unhypothetical,
it whirls on its axis;
my stomach relaxes,
then clenches with spasms emetical.
"
"most ditchwater's found in a cul-
vert or drain far too narrow to scull
(or deploy any oars),
which is why the stuff bores,
and all things that are like it are dull.
"
"bone black is adsorbent: it's able
to turn sugar white from crude sable.
black ash of burnt bones
will remove darker tones,
adding sweetness with light to your table.
"
"although coasting offshore may be grand,
see you're sure to keep clear of the sand ?
for the shore, all agree,
is the edge of the sea,
while the coast is the edge of the land.
"
"every yuletide must always be festive,
but the gluttony makes us all restive;
for the turkey and such
are uncomfortably much
for the juices we'd hope were digestive.
"
"the toastmaster gives a small cough,
but the diners continue to scoff.
though they've paid, the convention
won't pay him attention:
no wonder he's rather browned off.
"
"cynosural, i walk down the street
with my entourage dogging my feet,
and the crowds stand and stare;
am i so debonair?
if my fly is unbuttoned, it's meet.
"
"aboutness gives catalogues clout:
it invents* what a text is about.
it's a list of each gist,
and no nuance is missed
though the title be vexed or in doubt.
"
"a digestive is something you sip
at the end of a gut-busting rip
of a dinner; it calms
your intestinal qualms,
and prevents you from losing your grip.
"
"disembarrassment helps you get rid
of that shame that you'd rather be hid.
catachresis or gaffe ?
are you game for a laugh?
i've recorded it. what will you bid?
"
"a deficiency judgment will seize
what the sale of your goods doesn't squeeze;
so it isn't enough
when finances get rough
to just walk off and leave them the keys.
"
"what the brokers at lloyd's do all day
is find people who're willing to pay
just a part of your claim,
and each one is a ""name"".
coinsurance turned some of them grey.
"
"the dental sac coddles your teeth,
like a little red womb underneath.
free from trouble and trammel
it forms your enamel ?
just don't bite so hard on me, keith!
"
"lack of data integrity stinks ?
it's the internet's principal jinx.
we restrict, with great fervour,
our refs to one server,
so readers don't chase broken links.
"
"if you think that it's likely your cust-
omer won't pay his bills, and go bust,
seek an entrepreneur
who's del credere, sir:
for a fee, it is he who must trust.
"
"my daughter's new boyfriend has made
it quite clear: if i want to dissuade
him from plans to elope
with my ewe lamb, he'll hope
that his treachery's handsomely paid.
"
"current portion of long-term debt used
to be far in the future. seduced
by the amortisation,
your organisation
has pigeons returning to roost.
"
"the quayside is rocky and dark,
so the captain's refusing to park.
we'll remain under way
till the dawn of the day,
take our breakfast, and then disembark.
"
"distinguishably, typeset in lead,
on a calendar, days are all spread.
but the calendar's setter
makes some days much better
with letters distinctively red.
"
"diversity summons its forces;
minority power endorses.
if a joke you propose,
it's not god will dispose,
but a person from human resources.
"
"long pockets will always avail
should you contemplate acts of defrayal,
but alternative charms,
in the shape of short arms,
make your creditors turn rather pale.
"
"now i'm witnessing dogs bait a bear,
cynarctomachy i shall forswear;
looking down in the pit,
i just think, ""is this it?"" ?
i'll be loath to admit i was there.
"
"decentralised things are diffuse,
and remote, and of no kind of use.
if you work for the crown
but you're nowhere near town,
your most relevant act's self-abuse.
"
"buy some mops ? i'll ok the disbursal.
esther williams' final rehearsal
left the stage all awash,
so we have to spend dosh
to accomplish the water's dispersal.
"
"i deadhead my roses at need ?
""cut dead flowers away"" is my creed.
then the bushes will sprout
further flowers, without
wasting energy going to seed.
"
"delivery versus (some) payment?
you give stock, then for cash you're a claimant.
if your broker's no dunce,
stock and cash move at once ?
there's no doubt of this emperor's raiment!
"
"eadweard muybridge would surely approve, he
might even consider them ""groovy"":
chronophotographs freeze
locomotion with ease ?
shown in sequence, they're just like a movie.
"
"the facets you've ground can collapse
at the smallest of innocent taps.
a cabochon's assets?
the gem has no facets ?
or an infinite number, perhaps.
"
"""we're both seventy-plus: let us bed.""
""i've been widowed four times: let us wed.""
""don't go making it five ?
let's be glad we're alive.
we can go out to dinner instead.""
"
"it's a chandlerly action to tally
the candle-ends found in the alley.
when the crew's on all fours
to replenish the stores,
then the cpo's spirits will rally.
"
"when the butler is sounding the gong,
see their dinner gowns, slinky and long.
but when ladies depart,
then the menfolk will start
to make bets on who's wearing a thong.
"
"a coat button's big, with a shank,
which is good when you visit the bank.
what you got ain't exposed
when your coat's firmly closed,
and to flash all your cash is to swank.
"
"dipsomaniacs live on the brink;
though they rise, they could easily sink.
teeter-totter for now;
tea-teetotal the vow
of a person addicted to drink.
"
"i think i'll go hence then come hither,
and thence i'm inclined to go thither.
so whither and whence?
i'll sit on the fence;
without a direction, i'll dither.
"
"""that's rubbish!"" i told him emphatically,
which was wrong, when considered pragmatically.
my intemperate rant
made him cancel my grant.
now, to sponsors, i speak diplomatically.
"
"this verse is a kind of a ditty,
and, sung, it will sound very pretty ?
unless you've a voice
that makes ravens rejoice;
then you hope that the words are all witty.
"
"it attests to the things you can do,
and shows credit where credit is due,
though in bathrooms, no doubt,
having passed, you passed out;
for diploma means ""folded in two"".
"
"now i've broken my brace, darn my luck,
when the bit stock came loose and unstuck.
and my power drill's still
out of service until
i locate the lost key for its chuck.
"
"dermatology struggles to win
in the war against ailments of skin.
relying on ointment
is sure disappointment
when the cause of the problem's within.
"
"a contradistinction will matter
in comparative critical patter.
if you're always so fast
to compare and contrast,
then this word gives a blast of the latter.
"
"the grassroots are heckling so madly;
their targets are taking it badly:
but are grassroots as green
as they'd like to be seen,
or a claque they call astroturf, sadly?
"
"a dirt bike is what you'll be craving
if your spirit is jaded by paving.
as the motor goes vroom!
you'll be shouting, ""make room!
see me now, mom, i'm really close-shaving!""
"
"in the fight i was lately amidst,
was it right to start using my fidst?
it was wrong, i suppose.
did i break the man's nose?
said the voice of the quaker: thou didst.
"
"hood or bonnet? atlantic permittin',
we can name parts of cars without quittin'.
whether trunk, whether boot,
we can all follow suit:
the body's the bit that you sit in.
"
"i don't care if my hair may be thinning;
this is just a new way of beginning.
am i bald? no, i'm not.
shaven head's what i've got ?
if i guide the conclusion, i'm winning.
"
"confessionalists can do well,
for they sell (when they've kissed) what they tell.
morals lack for the pack
who get back from the sack
and send all our illusions to hell.
"
"rosasharn was dirt poor from the start,
but she played a significant part.
though her little was lost,
at a terrible cost
she still gave, from her richness of heart.
"
"my cheek had the darlingest dimple,
but that dimple has turned to a pimple.
with the dent now a lump,
i shall cover my rump
and be kissed on the face ? it's so simple!
"
"crustalogical studies? i dabble.
when my girl asks me questions, i babble.
when she shouts, ""what the hell!
just come out of your shell,""
i ask whether a lobster or crab'll.
"
"the name deutschland is printed in my
german atlas where borders apply.
on the other side's schweiz,
where the climbing of heights
(and the chocolate) will thicken the thigh.
"
"let me quote all your total disgracefulness:
what you said had a dread out-of-placefulness,
then you started a brawl,
you may dimly recall,
with a gall that was all in-your-facefulness.
"
"the christianlike virtues? don't fret.
no, you never should welsh on a bet,
but a soul that likes lustin'
can follow augustine:
""o lord, make me chaste; but not yet.""
"
"at his door stand a sheriff, a reeve,
and a beadle (whose staff you perceive).
yet, for want of a bailiff,
no powers avail if
dislodgement we hope to achieve.
"
"denigrative is great if you figure
the word shares no meaning with nigger.
but its meaning is ""blackening"" ?
your jaw may be slackening,
but logophiles don't often snigger?
"
"a defiler defiles, or pollutes;
tramples down, with his dirty old boots,
the altars of gods.
so what are the odds,
when he hears the word culture, he shoots?
"
"sugar-junkies, when sworn off their hit,
can eat starch if they don't want to quit:
when you chew and you chew,
you get sugar (who knew?)
thanks to amylase, found in your spit.
"
"the joys of a farm that's collective
are (how shall i put this?) ? subjective.
when your fine crop of hay
is just taken away,
you have nothing to say but invective.
"
"i'm yawning and yearning for bed,
but i'm writing this poem instead.
want to sleep; want to sup;
go to bed, and stay up:
diversivolent? take it as read.
"
"the allyl group, c3h5,
is a radical. how does it thrive?
its delocalised bondness
distributes the fondness
for coupling, and keeps it alive.
"
"i'll detin this old can in a wink ?
tin's worth more than the steel, so i think.
and if tin i get off it
that gives me more profit
than galvanised (coated with zinc).
"
"to ecologists i'm misanthropic,
for i'm deaf when they rant on their topic,
and i'm blind, as they've seen,
to their arguments green:
i just tell them i'm deuteranopic.
"
"removing the action, as planned,
i've restrung this antique concert grand.
with no keys there to play,
chipping up is the way
to get strings up to pitch, understand?
"
"a deverbative noun takes its form
from a verb ? so a warmer will warm.
and with pete we concur
that a suffix like -er
is deverbative too; that's the norm.
"
"your favour to hand, of 6th ult.,
and oblige, as per same, pro result,
we assure best attention
in receipt of which mention,
this old business letter's occult.
"
"i grew an incredible beard
for my part as the villain ? i'm feared!
but my fingers and hand
for the hearingless band
helped them all understand ? so they jeered!
"
"cytoarchitectonics supplies
explanations for noses and eyes,
and how cells make each shape
you might rather escape ?
not to oversensationalize.
"
"if a cloth absorbs water, no doubt
it won't cause irreversible drought.
but when water's upset
over quicklime, you get
chemisorption ? you can't wring it out.
"
"debit balances, dickens has said,
both micawber and dorrit should dread;
for their habit ? to spend
more than earnings ? will tend
to a debt-ridden end, in the red.
"
"we have anamorphosed the pretender,
but his portrait this mirror will render ?
its cylindrical form
puts him back to the norm
as we toast him, and never surrender.
"
"this bold crenellation's defensiveness
provokes, in our foes, apprehensiveness
that they'd find it too tough
if they crawled up our bluff;
for our castle was sited with pensiveness.
"
"i decerp ? that's to say that i pluck off
the fruit, then i shake all the muck off,
and i harvest the crop
till i'm ready to drop
and the gathering's done. then i go home for a well-earned rest.
"
"my dentinal tubules betray
where enamel has rotted away.
it's the soda you sold me
(my lawyer has told me);
i'll crown them with gold, and you'll pay.
"
"is the rash or the ointment prevailing?
just to rub the stuff in is plain sailing,
but despite the twice-daily
i'm still sore and scaly:
my dermatotherapy's failing.
"
"rank anticommercialism ducks
the question of how to earn bucks.
it's easy to sneer
at a trading career
when your birthright is clearly deluxe.
"
"a culicid's sort of a gnat,
or mosquito, or something like that.
for its biting to fail
you must put on a veil,
and avail yourself, now, of a bat.
"
"i know that it's hard to forgive ?
i'll regret it as long as i live ?
i've forgotten your name,
and my memory's to blame,
'cause it's? something that means ""like a sieve"".
"
"those commies were too centralistic ?
thought local control atavistic.
but farmers were fans
of those seven-year plans,
for fear they'd become a statistic.
"
"debt-to-equity ratio compares
how much funding's from bonds versus shares.
doing well when it's high
makes your equity fly;
doing badly will kick it downstairs.
"
"they tell me that consopiation
brings parents release from frustration.
lull-la-lee, lull-la-lay
they've been chanting all day,
to accomplish the infant's sedation.
"
"i will publish the miscreant's name ?
tell the world who deserves all the blame ?
i will be his denouncer:
""you'd better leave town, sir.
my aim is to name and to shame.""
"
"a poison is subtle, and yet
a bullet is hard to forget.
should patience or violence
deliver me silence?
dilemma for murder? you bet!
"
"a digestive, mcvitie's for preference,
is the comforting biscuit-of-reference.
it is wholemeal and sweet,
and the yanks can't compete:
graham crackers don't merit such deference.
"
"if a dervis (or dervish) should whirl,
his white garments stand out in a swirl.
he may point with his hand
to the sky or the land,
but the faith of this monk won't unfurl.
"
"at people who curse me invectionally
i squeeze out my pimples, directionally.
though it may be the pits
to score hits with my zits,
that's defence, when you're challenged complexionally.
"
"delacrymation, my problem, appears
as involuntary shedding of tears.
but the juries relent
when they see me ""repent"" ?
i wish you such a problem, my dears.
"
"i'll define cultirostral, but how?
it's from colter: the nose of a plow,
and from rostrum: the bill
that a heron might fill
as he turns your koi carp into chow.
"
"australia's flora, astoundingly,
are unique, and i praise them resoundingly.
and around every corner
unique kinds of fauna ?
marsupials ? crowd there aboundingly.
"
"dehumidification, i sigh,
makes my skin and my sinuses dry.
and my adenoids cramp
if the air isn't damp,
so i'll travel by sea, but not fly.
"
"the diaphone, stop so sublime,
uses springs, valves, and bellows to prime
its sonority, found
in the wurlitzer's sound
(and in foghorns: for purists, a crime).
"
"though a deep-discount bond pays a pittance
(not enough for a black sheep's remittance),
for the cents that you pay
you'll get dollars, some day,
if the issuer's there to make quittance.
"
"i'll guide the ship well, till it's clear
of the shallows all mariners fear.
when i shout, ""hard a-port!""
you just do as you're taught;
i can cund if you're able to steer.
"
"delirament? who could endure-o
the problem for which there's no cure-o.
crazy fancy i know
to take part in that show;
senza lire, we go with the euro.
"
"i know that you're stricken with gout;
my advice is to be more devout.
there's no miracle pill
for this kind of an ill;
its curableness is in doubt.
"
"gentle slopes of each continental shelf
foster isles, each entire of itself.
if you say, with disdain,
that they're part of the main,
then the channel's a suitable delf.
"
"let me sing of the continental margin,
which the river-borne silt must discharge in.
and beyond all of that
it remains rather flat
to the place that the depths get too large in.
"
"the copper age wasn't when washing
in coppers was boiling and sloshing,
while mothers with mangles
would get into tangles
with tongs. chalcolithic? i'm joshing.
"
"my cholecyst's making me madder:
i eat cheese, and it stings like an adder.
fat-digestion is all
you'd expect from your gall,
but there's something amiss with its bladder.
"
"come by, mother; take yonder pail,
and fetch it back brimming with ale.
the innkeeper's willing
to see, for this shilling,
our revelry never defail.
"
"""be a teacher,"" my sainted old aunt
once advised me; i said, ""no, i can't.""
to her pleas i said ""don't!
spare your knees, for i won't ?
and, didactically speaking, i shan't.""
"
"the symptoms of colds aren't at issue ?
if you think you have need, use a tissue.
hack the cough, hear the wheeze;
like bad news (comes in threes)
is the powerful sneeze ? ah?atishoo!
"
"detected, my acts are on view;
and big brother is watching you, too.
this is hard to forgive
when i think that i'd live
with more privacy locked in a zoo.
"
"""the roof ought to cause a sensation,""
said rufus, in anticipation
of 1097.
""they'll think they're in heaven
with westminster hall's contignation.""
"
"if a linear thing, at some date,
should evolve to a figure of eight,
evolution's proportion
might lead to detorsion,
ensuring its children go straight.
"
"though the model of matronly purity,
with her decorous, sober demurity,
if you once get to know her
you'll find she's a goer ?
a fact that she wraps in obscurity.
"
"though my thatch may be thicker than reeds,
decoloration, unasked for, proceeds.
but the foxes all stare
at my silver-grey hair,
and it's there that my vanity feeds.
"
"let's keep curialism at bay.
should the pope hold political sway
ultramontane (in states
beyond vatican's gates)?
ultra vires, we protestants say.
"
"absinthe green? absinthe yellow? a stinker.
the absinthe i drink i make pinker
with bitters vermilious ?
the colour's less bilious,
and people don't drink i'm a thinker.
"
"every alp will be silt in the end;
deterration's that process's friend.
and if something's interred
it could well be inferred
deterration reverses that trend.
"
"british english, the language of britain,
is loved by the yanks who are smitten
by accents whose style
makes a change with each mile ?
but they don't understand how it's written.
"
"my solicitor's subject to slumbrance,
so my property deal's in penumbrance.
to dispel clouds on title
in law, it is vital
to rid all the deeds of encumbrance.
"
"disglory's the state that i find,
but versailles is a french state of mind.
so i'll start world war two ?
bid the treaty adieu ?
let the cheese-eaters watch on the rind.
"
"if you're looking to get a divorce,
but can't wait while the law takes its course,
then just get out a knife
and end all the strife
by aspertee ? that is, by force.
"
"i had suffered deoxygenation,
but was saved by a nurse, at her station.
i'd have married her, too,
but her pa said, ""you're blue,
and i don't hold with miscegenation.""
"
"i think my tattoo is terrific ?
i assumed it was dermatoglyphic.
but the gypsy's report
says my life-line's too short,
and the wrinkles she reads too prolific.
"
"devenustate me? vain, empty curse,
for, quite frankly, i've never looked worse.
take my beauty, my grace?
take that grin off your face,
and try casting your curse in reverse.
"
"conterminable things end together,
like me and the length of my tether.
so carve this in granite:
""goodbye, cruel planet.""
the dead are all birds of a feather.
"
"""now decharm my wife gwin,"" arthur said
to the witch, ""or i'll lop off your head.
though she's under your spell
at the black gates of hell,
she'll be perfectly well if you're dead.""
"
"conceptuality offers a gain
that the practical cannot attain.
though reality's dreary,
i'm wealthy, in theory ?
and witty, and handsome. and vain.
"
"gordon bennett! our debt's at the ceiling!
gordon brown? who can guess how he's feeling?
he just gurns like a loon.
he'll be out before june ?
the old profligate's sooo unappealing.
"
"the language we use, which is english,
has roots that are more than bilinguish.
let diglottism speak
on behalf of the greek,
which from latin this word will distinguish.
"
"invitations don't always invite;
dinner parties are often a fright.
let the host mutter, ""weasels!""
we'll say we've got measles
and dine in, my darling, tonight.
"
"though i know i'm not pretty or clever,
i've a man who will love me for ever.
or at least so he said
as we climbed into bed?
disbelievingly, mother said, ""never!""
"
"it's a mad, mad, mad, mad? oh, this drama
has a title that needs cinerama.
and, all joking aside,
with a screen that's so wide
you see hollywood meet yokohama.
"
"if you fret about damage testicular,
or the nearby appendage vermicular,
get a cup (or a box)
you can stuff down your jocks.
it's more cup-shaped than socks: it's calicular.
"
"he'd had many a long business meeting,
fat cigars, too much drinking and eating;
on this solid foundation
his fine corporation
made his vest-buttons pop from their seating.
"
"it's not evil or frigid, you fool,
yet you tell me it's ""wicked"" and ""cool"".
but i'm getting the hang
of deciphering slang:
""desynonymize words"" is the rule.
"
"just observe as my knuckles contort
with chiragrical pain (pass the port).
gout's the worst of all trips
when the agony rips ?
lift the glass to my lips, there's a sport.
"
"i was right to be disapprobatory;
your reaction was too self-inflatory.
for a mother speaks true
that you'll rue what you do
when you're viewing her lying-in-statery.
"
"i saw ""caper leaves"", shopping one day;
curiosity led me astray.
in the small jar of pickles:
tough leaves, stems ? and prickles.
with cocktails, de sade's canap?.
"
"if your left channel leaks to the right,
and the right to the left, as it might,
then your stereo sound
won't be quite ""in the round""
because cross-talk has ruined it, quite.
"
"what he played could be waltzy or marchy,
poppy-boppy or pure pagliacci,
but the name walter busterkeys
must have been just a tease;
now his own's better known: liberace.
"
"if my dacryolithiasis must
block my ducts with accretions of dust,
then the tears overflow
since they've nowhere to go.
i so hope my lorgnette doesn't rust.
"
"it arose from a pouch diverticular?
from my colon, it stands perpendicular?
take it out! i'm so scared
that my love life's impaired
(in particular, extracurricular).
"
"in a ditch her back wheels were immersed:
""well,  i tried by engaging in first,
but i revved up too much
and i burned out the clutch,
so my axle was dead. how i cursed!""
"
"a disc clutch can judder. it's known
that a far better shape is a cone.
when your clutch is a disc,
there's an evident risk
you'll be left in the front on your own.
"
"my friend nate's a valet ? it's his car fate ?
and his clients are often bizarre, mate.
like beelzebub, pressed
to arrive as my guest:
""lord of flies is the devil in car, nate.""
"
"dictionarians hold the position
philologists seek from ambition.
but we harmless old drudges
won't brook any fudges
to bring you a verse definition.
"
"demarcation lines may be well planned,
and each tribesman from crossing is banned.
but tribal divisions
don't match the decisions
for lines that are drawn in the sand.
"
"this demitint's lovely by day,
and in darkness it looks the same way.
neither shadowed nor bright,
it's not black, and not white;
i suppose you could say it was grey.
"
"in the outback, a tourist from tonga
got things wrong, and then wronger and wronger:
lost his way; left his car;
found a pub with no bar;
now he's dry as a dead dingo's donger.
"
"incoterms, like delivered ex quay,
or ex works, and of course f.o.b.,
all determine the second
that risk shall be reckoned
to pass off from you on to me.
"
"slack-jawed at the latest debt crisis,
i still buy what i like ? hang the prices!
spending more than you get
leads to penury, yet
no-one cares what micawber's advice is.
"
"definitive prosthesis: what i'm
told to wear for a set length of time.
then a wreath i'll bequeath
to the gap in my teeth,
but to take it out now is a crime.
"
"cross-ownership's not an affliction
that means you revere crucifixion;
to own press and tv
in the land of the free,
some must treat their own birthright as fiction.
"
"my acquisitiveness has direction:
arctophily shows my affection.
teddy bears were my joy
as a very small boy,
and i now have a massive collection.
"
"should the term artificial reality
need a licence to practise duality?
i confess an aversion
to total immersion
in something beyond practicality.
"
"if your pension fund's gone in the tank,
please don't blame the custodian bank.
all your stocks in our vault
are still free from assault:
to all thieves we say, ""halt! mama spank!""
"
"a curialist fervently hopes
that the world be in thrall to the popes:
ultramontane in theory.
some people are leery,
for fear that they're more than just dopes.
"
"am i drunk? you might like to infer it.
it denies all my efforts to spur it.
dilatant in water,
this starch, like my daughter,
complies, but defies when i stir it.
"
"is oil in water immersant?
no, it floats. but a douche of dispersant
turns the slick, over days,
into sauce mayonnaise,
with which many gourmets are conversant.
"
"when you're plunging a grommet in place,
does a rivet-hole-reamer lose face?
both their unions' bosses
will call all the tosses:
demarcation disputes, case by case.
"
"decorticate oaks in the park?
in portugal, stripping the bark
of the oaks with our choppers
for wine-bottle stoppers
is corking ? a hell of a lark.
"
"i despise conjunctivas chemotic.
my left eye appears quite exotic ?
like a lychee. the right
looks much more of a fright,
so i'm seeking an antibiotic.
"
"your disloyalty's set me to rage
since you trashed my mystique on the stage.
though for years upon end
you were always my friend,
you just told that reporter my age!
"
"when chaos extended its might,
the darkness was not even night.
there was water, it's told.
was it timid or bold,
the voice that said: ""let there be light""?
"
"laboratory, house, and assignment:
the dalton plan's subtle refinement.
fit the course to the student!
these schoolteachers, prudent,
would certainly know what condign meant.
"
"in your joints, if there's chalkstone about,
that deposit's a symptom of gout.
it can also appear
on your teeth, in your ear,
and it's something you're better without.
"
"from afar i can clearly discern
many things that you hope i won't learn,
like the size of your hat,
trousers, shoes, and all that ?
and (of course) how much money you earn.
"
"my voice is the gates of hell squeaking,
with stutters and stammers and shrieking.
will my writing outlive
any lectures i give
difficultly, in manner of speaking?
"
"i thought orienteering was crap;
i was right, and i'm now in a flap.
with some tor i've a tryst
on this moor, in the mist?
i deperditely glare at my map.
"
"at a distant and decent remove
from my dissolute youth in the groove,
i've decided tradition
should be my ambition:
of such exploits i now disapprove.
"
"around delos, on islands sporadic,
dwell fisher-folk, far from nomadic,
with many a paddock
for farming of haddock
that's packaged, then labelled ""cycladic"".
"
"when my true love his shape will discloak,
he'll escape from his cape at a stroke,
showing doublet and hose,
and such clothing as those,
that reveal his appeal as a bloke.
"
"the smell of the cabbage fermenting
has neighbours in tears, and lamenting.
who needs i.g. farben?
bisulfide of carbon
is present when sauerkraut's venting.
"
"if you find your old rug is possessed
by some rug-eating bugs and their nest,
you should call up a firm
who will come and exterm-
inate vermin. what's best? disinfest.
"
"strait and steep is the path that i tread,
and it's there that discouragement's fed.
the allure of my goal
seems less bright, on the whole,
and, oh sod it, i'm going to bed.
"
"i chanced to be married by force,
for a shotgun shows little remorse.
but her pa, what does he know?
i'll take her to reno;
we'll get disespoused by divorce.
"
"the cut that's infernal has fruits
in the sudden adjustment of boots,
or a steely rapport,
untoward, with the floor,
as acquaintance he basely refutes.
"
"when a cut's indirect you advance,
but your friend is avoiding your glance;
then he crosses the street.
your confusion's complete.
was it done by design or by chance?
"
"there's no margin or room to suspect
a mistake with a cut that's direct.
though you've said, ""how d'ye do?""
he just glares and looks through
you. your friendship is certainly wrecked.
"
"he looks up at a clock for the time,
like a poet who's stuck for a rhyme;
doesn't notice you there,
though you stand and you stare,
well aware of a cut that's sublime.
"
"dodecaphony's rife on our shelves,
where the music's arranged by the elves.
when each note must be equal,
there's only one sequel:
the melodies fiddle themselves.
"
"we've argued this point head-to-head:
i use 's' where you like to use 'z'.
is dichotomization
the mark of a nation?
let's talk about rounders instead.
"
"budgie smugglers? the front isn't flat,
for this cossie makes crotches look fat.
if you grope for the bird,
then i'll say, ""oh, my word!
if you're looking for cream, ask the cat.""
"
"in my culpableness, i'm to blame;
my traducement of grammar's my shame.
someone shouted, ""who's free?""
and i answered, ""that's me.""
but admit it: you'd say just the same.
"
"his disertitude left them all reeling
from rhetorical eloquence, feeling
that an obsolete word
could be less than absurd,
and its utterer more than appealing.
"
"a climbing skin goes on your skis,
and makes sliding up mountains a breeze.
the effect's like a ratchet:
smooth forward, back-scratchet.
we live for such moments as these.
"
"all my ma's kin are noted for sloth,
and my pa's are restricted in growth.
the result's as you thought:
i am lazy and short.
diphyletic, i'm part of them both.
"
"closed loops are the things that defeat
any anti-tautologist's treat.
but these loops tell of movement:
you'll find no improvement,
instructed to ""rinse and repeat"".
"
"with the moon-silvered goddess in sight,
in potential, dianium might
be an element yet;
not to be, we regret.
to resolve the transition's a fright.
"
"you must not let yourself go insanio
if you learn that you suffer from cranio-
fenestria.  jeez,
when your skull's like swiss cheese,
you might suffer from mice in your brainio.
"
"each currency stands for its nation,
and each nation has some expectation
that it be not defaced
mutilated, debased,
or disgraced by cocainization.
"
"the phlebotomist marked, with a dot,
where to stick in the needle. he's not
very good drawing blood.
what a prick!  there's a flood!
though he's thick, he's not that kind of  clot.
"
"""america's back.  why so glum?
the recession's finale has come.
happy days have returned.
still, you look so concerned.""
""i'm concerned that you think i'm so dumb.""
"
"something distal is furthest away
from the point where it comes into play.
on your arm it's your fingers
whose distalness lingers,
while shoulders have nothing to say.
"
"now the leeches are bloat from their supper,
and your lancet has flooded the scupper,
let our boat see an end
of this blood-letting trend.
take the surgeon away; bring a cupper.
"
"demon-ridden, the gadarene swine
all jumped over a cliff, by design.
in the gadarene region
the demon was legion,
but not so malign in the brine.
"
"a contractive appendage will shrink ?
maybe more than you'd possibly think.
the reverse of this show
is that, first, it must grow.
if you saw it, i know you would blink.
"
"for my birthday i often beseech
you to spirit me off to a beach.
by your gift i'm bemused:
a chlorometer (used),
to determine the power of bleach.
"
"demotivate folks and they're bored,
lacking focus a goal can afford.
but they'll keep themselves active
in ways unattractive
that lead them to hell ? or toward.
"
"carbon trading exacts quite a toll
on the infamous west, and its soul,
while the indigent east
gets the meat from the feast:
we pay diamonds; they're still burning coal.
"
"i'd spend all of my evenings in lustfulness,
but my mother is full of disgustfulness.
so i angle the screen
where it cannot be seen,
and indulge in the internet's bustfulness.
"
"a philologist wrote in his journal:
""i'm hoping these thoughts, diuturnal,
will much longer be heard
than this fusty old word?
it's the lexical worm in the kernel.
"
"as the old cunard schedule relates,
for one queen, verrazano awaits;
while her sis, deus volent,
is passing the solent ?
they're often in disparate straits.
"
"if the serious drinker's fulfilment
is the act, and result, of distilment,
then consider how jack
came adrift from the track
when he found out exactly what jill meant.
"
"cyanophilous (longing for blue):
how i feel when i think about you;
the stained sections you've spied
on a microscope-slide;
azure pneumocytes sighed for you, too.
"
"the doodlesack rarely presents
a social dilemma for gents.
when asked if they play,
they'll blush and say, ""nae,
with exception of bagpipe events.""
"
"helen keller was playing ""the creature"",
while count dracula sucked on her teacher.
so my memories go,
from the very back row,
as i dozed through the whole double feature.
"
"although deus is latin for ""god"",
why ""in nomine dei""? it's odd
that the lord of dimensions
can't banish declensions
imposed by some ancient old sod.
"
"salt-and-vinegar crisps, by the packet;
cheese-and-onion? my colleagues can't hack it
when i make a loud crunch
masticating my lunch,
and the bag, which i scrunch, makes a racket.
"
"most parasites soon draw a bead
on one target: the host where they breed.
this definitive host
keeps them largely engrossed
in fulfilling progenitive need.
"
"if you're blind and you walk in the park,
then your limits you'd better demark.
your most excellent dog
is no use in the fog;
click your fingers at railings, and hark.
"
"the rumour ran right round the park
that harrods would have to demarque.
without social anointment
of royal appointment,
al-fayed is left in the dark.
"
"find your wallet, the bar is just there;
do the honours, for you're in the chair.
we have all bought a drink
except you, so we think
it's your round, if we're all to stay square.
"
"it's your deal, and your dealing is grand;
i have several aces, as planned.
if they cut up too rough
after calling my ""bluff"",
just believe me: my heart's in your hand.
"
"can presumption of privacy win
when the trend's that your ""friends"" are clued in?
if facebook and twitter
are making you bitter,
stop posting the news when you sin.
"
"when his shareholding's major, he starts
to discover more value, with charts.
a demerger's his goal
when he finds that the whole
is worth less than the sum of its parts.
"
"belligerency doesn't appeal
when you find that the fighting is real
where your hackles have led
with their rising; the dead
do not rise to the anger you feel.
"
"in the corridors (so said) of power,
stand incumbents, who, hour by hour,
dread the wrath of the nation:
their deoppilation,
or heads up on pikes at the tower.
"
"compatibleness is the key
to the smugness of marrieds like we.
should my grammar offend,
then my time to amend
will extend to the counting of three.
"
"it's cataphoretic and thus
this ion is charged with a plus.
the cathode, a minus,
it seeks without shyness,
and loses its charge without fuss.
"
"accrual of discount replaces
the income that interest's grace is
with a capital gain,
so you hope to retain
just a tad from the taxman's embraces.
"
"carbon offsets you beg or you borrow
or buy, more from guilt than from sorrow.
i have plenty to spare:
all i do is declare
that i won't fly to fiji tomorrow.
"
"considering problems complexionary,
bad skin can be caused by confectionery.
but attempting to wean
a recalcitrant teen
from a candy bar's quite vivisectionary.
"
"dimethyl sulfoxide's akin
to a needle that pierces your skin.
this solvent's a carrier
across the skin-barrier,
with no perforations therein.
"
"your critical thought she disturbs;
and your sensible method she curbs;
gets you turning the pages
by means of outrageous
endorsements named after her ? blurbs.
"
"many scotsmen well relish a dram;
it's a measure of treasure, no sham.
and a flask at the hip
can provide such a nip
in a train or a bus or a tram.
"
"when in turkey your dinner takes shape,
then their dolmas you cannot escape,
for it's never enough
only vine leaves to stuff:
a tomato; a pepper; a grape?
"
"this self-referent lim's denotatum
could well cause me to post an erratum.
like potato / potato,
tomato / tomato,
each one is a jinx, and i hate 'em.
"
"my financial advisor reports
that the market is now out of sorts.
""be ahead of the rest;
sell your stocks: disinvest!""
will the next thing be ""heaven in shorts""?
"
"beachy head, very high, very steep,
is a cliff with a view of the deep
that has famous allure
for the ones who'd be sure
of embracing an infinite sleep.
"
"depth-first search, when you're browsing the net,
is a way to get sidetracked. you set
out to read, so you think,
but you follow each link
and you've not found an end to it yet.
"
"the science museum was rough.
my father was pointing at stuff.
he once was a draughtsman
whose drawings showed craftsmen
the way to build merlins. enough.
"
"let the crackheads and junkies rejoice,
for they're doing the drug of their choice,
while cadets form a crew
who will do something new
if they read of it first in the voice.
"
"denominal verbs wear a gown
that disguises their base: it's a noun.
many kings felt the dread
that these words can embed,
like imprison, behead, and discrown.
"
"the bcci gets our plaudits
for flaming farragos of fraud; its
""20-billion-plus heist""
saw depositors iced,
and disgrace for the firms doing audits.
"
"derivativeness is quite sloppy.
no thoughts of my own; a near copy.
if i write of battalions
that guard spanish galleons,
the original author gets stroppy.
"
"my docility makes me sedate,
like the doormat he sought for a mate.
but on days when he's rough
i'm not feisty enough.
many marriages carry such freight.
"
"dolorimetry measures your pain
as i turn up the voltage again.
you look very relaxed
as the meter is maxed;
if i killed you, i twiddled in vain.
"
"my dorkings are long and they're square,
with five toes (two behind; see them there).
as layers they're able,
but best for the table:
deliciously, fowl turns to fare.
"
"my fianc?e's an opera-goer,
but the ring makes my bank balance lower,
so she hocks all the rocks
for some seats in a box;
she's my creditrix now, 'cause i owe her.
"
"making tea, i prefer to infuse;
making coffee, a drip pot i use.
when my coffee is boiled
it gets bitter and spoiled,
so for filters i gently enthuse.
"
"though hot dogs get plaudits acclamatory,
to tell how they're made is defamatory.
much meat that is shaped
into hot dogs is scraped
off of bones, by a method desquamatory.
"
"my altimeter's absolute, chum.
stake your life on barometers? dumb.
it's not much of a laugh
to behead a giraffe,
so instead i use lead, and i plumb.
"
"given letraset, cad, or a stencil,
a design flows from any utensil.
making drawings ain't tough
with assistance enough,
but my draughtsmanship just needs a pencil.
"
"the lack of a domical vault
could be classed as a comical fault.
look at christchurch: the cloister
leaves undergrads moister
from climate's untimely assault.
"
"on a website, a summary list
yields more info for those that persist.
click an entry ? drill down ?
then in data you'll drown,
and you'll frown 'cause you missed just the gist.
"
"defunctness is what i am facing;
my life-lines have stopped interlacing.
maybe frinton-on-sea
is the place i should be,
but i'll go to skegness ? it's so bracing!
"
"play dominoes? yes, here's a set,
but the rules, i'm afraid, i forget.
when i branched off your double
last time, there was trouble;
i've not heard the end of it yet.
"
"on life's dreariness, leave me to mull.
my experience ever was dull.
at expanses of ice
i just shrug and say, ""nice.""
i'm a seal pup who longs for the cull.
"
"connectionism says: information
is held at no single location;
but the overall states
of components have weights
in the answer's arcane formulation.
"
"deauration, the duchess was told,
is to gild, or to cover with gold.
chatsworth windows are such,
and the price wasn't much,
so she bought twice the quantity. bold.
"
"now the tsar and his rule we shall hobble;
double-headed, his eagle must wobble?
after decades of reds
the old bird with two heads
is alleged to have come from chernobyl.
"
"deolali's a township in india
where folk take more tonic than gin, dear.
if from heat you go spare,
there's a hospital there;
gone doolally? we know where you've been, dear.
"
"disproportionality, here in line one,
makes this verse, for a reader, less fun.
and for writers, a caution:
a word's disproportion
means get the thing over and done.
"
"though a chakra might just be a wheel,
to the buddha's, asoka did kneel.
on the flag it's the pigeon
of peace in religion,
but what does a juggernaut feel?
"
"my existence is doleful and drear,
for i'm lonely, i'm bored, and i'm here.
as their gnome, i'm the lord
of their shrubs and their sward,
but i long for companions. and beer.
"
"out, out, damn?d spot! ? an oration
that engenders a standing ovation
from the agitant groups
disapproving of poops;
and that spot is a dirty dalmatian.
"
"hd video can't match its thrills;
megapixels aren't beverly hills.
cine cameras boast
far more glamour ? a toast:
""cecil b of the 16-de-mils!""
"
"a decagramme might not be missed
if you pass that cake round, and insist.
but the roundness sublime
(just ten grammes at a time)
will be mine, so i think i'll resist.
"
"put in water to make a suspension?
its makers might have that intention,
but it clumps into stuff
that a whisk's not enough
to deflocculate, please let me mention.
"
"i play double-handed at bridge:
there's me, and letitia, and midge.
i'm glad it's not rummy,
or i'd be the dummy.
my partner's inspecting the fridge.
"
"a dong bond is not like a clam,
with the backing of old uncle sam,
but there's no need to fret ?
no defaulting as yet
on securitised debt in vietnam.
"
"there was a young lady of riga
who went for a ride on a tiger.
her counter tube said
that it ought to be dead?
never put too much trust in a geiger.
"
"from the peak to the vale go descendingly;
keep your feet on the goat-track unendingly.
should you fall, you can cope
if you cling to your rope;
we'll hold on to you (hoping, dependingly).
"
"an aryan ought to be blond ?
the kind of which hitler was fond.
but in fact it's iran
where this race first began,
so the pale they are long since beyond.
"
"an amusement park sounds like it's fun,
but it's fun like attila the hun.
when i got off the ""comet""
i wanted to vomit?
said the gracious old queen, ""not for one.""
"
"most calculative people succumb
to the joys of arithmetic. dumb?
their subtraction, division,
attracts our derision?
and when i said ""most"", i meant ""sum"".
"
"can the ages make stone out of wood?
and that change ? is it bad? is it good?
what might prove that it's possible
for trees to be fossible?
a dendrolite certainly could.
"
"imagine the power of venice
if dogeless ? much less of a menace:
think of sailors just fooling
with nobody ruling,
all drooling at girls dressed for tennis.
"
"a choliamb's metrically hokey,
and its writers belong in the pokey.
the first five of six feet
are iambic and sweet,
but the last is a spondee or trochee.
"
"dispensableness is the key
to the jobs of employees like me.
but it's good, on the whole,
that i'm not on the dole,
and my co-civil-servants agree.
"
"in the wastes of the arctic i've roamed,
and seen eskimos rudely rehomed.
condensation drips down
on their beds there in town,
which is why their old igloos were domed.
"
"an alibi's not an excuse,
though you'd think so from commonplace use.
it's proof you weren't there,
but instead were elsewhere;
if you think something else, you're obtuse.
"
"channel stuffing is when a producer
ships product much faster and looser
than merchants can sell it.
as retailers tell it,
""this stuff i'm returning to you, sir.""
"
"a dockmaster's pride could be voiced
in each warehouse, each quay, and each hoist
that assisted the lading ?
the world was here, trading.
no longer. (his eyes become moist.)
"
"on land or on board of a ship,
a door needs a thing you can grip.
turn the handle; it twists.
tug the door; it resists;
it says ""push"". that's a senior slip.
"
"debbie dillied and dallied quite dottily,
for her goal she recalled only spottily.
it was tea at the ritz.
her husband had fits:
she had spotted her copybook blottily.
"
"commemorable things can be sad.
though for endings of wars we are glad,
we should pause to recall
those who died for us all:
we have freedom and peace ? not so bad!
"
"a doucker's a fowl (same as ducker);
a whistler ? no quacker or clucker.
if you feel rather feeble
this ouzel or grebe'll
revive you, if taken as tucker.
"
"contest, if you will, my fragility;
my mind doesn't suffer senility,
and my will-writer chap
has a mind like a trap:
you will never contest his ability.
"
"disingenuously typing that i
have a real-life appointment, i try
to escape from this chat:
too much this, too much that,
and no chance of the other. goodbye!
"
"a bedboard has virtues emphatical
for people with twinges sciatical.
something solid instead
of a soft, downy bed
has a healing effect, enigmatical.
"
"though at sports we are second to none,
making much of that fact isn't done.
though opponents be lame,
we're all playing the game;
only foreigners cheer when they've won.
"
"dinner jackets are worn with black tie,
and the drape of them makes ladies sigh
for the dinners and dances
that ruined their chances
of bidding their husbands goodbye.
"
"helsinki's a wonderful place
for our girls to learn manners and grace.
though demand is diminishing
for this kind of finishing,
such concepts we ought to embrace.
"
"decalcification's a curse,
but i tell myself: ""things could be worse.""
bones a-crumble, teeth shot,
i must suckle a lot,
so i'm keeping a-hold of my nurse.
"
"credit balances, so i am told,
are as good as, or better than, gold.
for my cash in the bank
i've an uncle to thank,
and his failure to get very old.
"
"dining tables can aid hospitality,
seating parties with fitting formality.
but the leaf that extends
has a case of the bends?
golden arches have more commonality.
"
"since i sawed you in half, you're the star?
you're cantankerous, peevish, bizarre.
just get back in the box ?
stop disporting your frocks
like the cross-grained old ox that you are.
"
"diphyllobothriasis squeezes
definitions of fish-borne diseases
into four lines or fewer,
but the worms can't endure
if your sashimi somebody freezes.
"
"you're a bibliophile? that depends.
you own books, but as means to what ends?
though you hold them all dear,
when i look at them near,
it is clear that you don't cut your friends.
"
"something sticky demands delinition,
and our children uphold that tradition:
many smears mar the grace
of their grandparents' place,
but there's never a trace of contrition.
"
"madagascar: i've sat on a ""cat"";
now the ""cat"" doesn't know where it's at.
i was wearing no pants.
cryptoprocta's last chance
is a cryptoproctologist, stat!
"
"like a finger with which you might fidget,
or the toes, i suppose, of a midget,
if a digitule shows
through a hole in your hose,
then it's just what it looks like: a digit.
"
"you can read about kosher cuisine
in the haymisher nosh magazine,
where salt beef and cheese blintz
share the same page of prints,
which is trayf, if you know what i mean.
"
"deflexure, a turning aside
(or down, or away), i've espied
in your knee, which is bent
beyond nature's intent.
i'd opine that was fine, if i lied.
"
"a disc wheel derision provokes
in the non-tautological folks,
but it's something that's real
in the form of a wheel
that is solid, and doesn't have spokes.
"
"contingentness may be a curse
in writing this kind of a verse.
maybe rhyme i'll enhance
if i leave it to luck,
also metre, for good or ill.
"
"a criminous teller named will
couldn't keep his sly hands from the till,
but he got his come-uppance
when the boss gave him tuppence
and told him to go to brazil.
"
"with the aim to assist one another,
the land of the free and its mother
made a pact that, we see,
launched the b.i.o.t.
for one island, whose culture they'd smother.
"
"pearl said, ""ah! so your ruth found a boy?""
belle said, ""oy! but the boy is a goy!
and poor ruthie might chafe
with a boy who is treyf.""
""aw, shlep naches, be happy. annoy.""
"
"given credit notes, people believe
in the cash that they hope to receive
for the goods that you bought;
otherwise, they are fraught
by the thought that you're out to deceive.
"
"in banana republics, there's mayhem:
many leaders arise, few obey 'em.
so, when traders concur
on the ones to prefer,
they use dollar diplomacy: pay 'em.
"
"the delineament of your features
is a challenge for students and teachers.
though picasso and braque
had no lack of the knack,
neither drew the attack of the creatures.
"
"keeping rabbits for table's a lark,
but they nibble by day and by dark.
i can never afford
that my deer share the sward,
so i'll send them abroad (disimpark).
"
"one way parliament battled the hun
was an act that some soon wished undone:
with lloyd george at the helm,
the defence of the realm
act called ""time"" on the beer drinkers' fun.
"
"that fancy new restaurant's run
with decorum as rule number one:
someone kicked up a stink
when his pork chop was pink,
and was told, ""sir, that just isn't done.""
"
"you say that i'm clingy, a mug,
but your presence is just like a drug.
you get tetchy, i've found,
when i trail you around,
but don't hurt me: i just want a hug.
"
"i doll myself up to look glamorous
in hope of relationships amorous,
but i'm likely to rue it
if i overdo it ?
the lovers in line get quite clamorous.
"
"deep-dyeing is under attack
from the socialists there at the back.
in their dress of (cheap) fawn,
deeper colours they scorn.
only nobles are born to wear black.
"
"with a clickety-clackety sound,
my engine continues to pound.
the pistons are shot
and the crank's running hot,
but don't knock it: it gets me around.
"
"they expect to wed? sweet and affecting:
to chastity no-one's objecting.
they anticipate marriage?
that act we'd disparage,
for then only she'd be expecting.
"
"crop residue left in the field,
such as stubble, is burnt to boost yield.
cows for milking get milage
from haulm turned to silage:
in waste, there is bounty concealed.
"
"said the crusty archduke of grand fenwick,
whose opinion of cavalry's splenic,
""i've a charger or two
that i plan to renew.
boil the old ones for glue, collagenic.""
"
"sweet aragon! province of spain,
where i hoped, with my love, to remain.
zaragoza was wet.
i came home with my pet,
for the rain falls, in spain, on the plain.
"
"stop the wound closing over? a saviour
if it festers or shows such behaviour.
plug a gap? yes, i think;
and a dossil wipes ink
from your plate when you're printing in gravure.
"
"thomas cook's name will live and endure
for inventing the organised tour.
""chinese"" gordon, in style,
he conveyed up the nile
to khartoum, and a death premature.
"
"a driving wheel touches the ground,
sends you forward by spinning around.
will this turn of speed serve
when you're losing your nerve
on a curve, and your steering's unsound?
"
"salt and pepper's the start of my cruet;
oil and vinegar add something to it;
lift the mustard-pot's dome,
see it brimming with loam.
in the cordon bleu final, i blew it.
"
"in a bateman cartoon, there's a crowd,
who are staring, aghast, at the cowed
and repentant poor clot
with a look: ""he said what?!""
he regrets having said it aloud.
"
"tugging off a tight t-shirt, he tussles
who hasn't been toning these muscles,
but our hero's in touch
with his deltoids so much
that the scrim in his shoulder-pads rustles.
"
"driftless areas, free of moraines
and a glacier's other remains,
were surrounded by ice,
yet their weather was nice.
shangri-la? now you're taxing my brains.
"
"with a deadlatch set fast, we can sin;
it's as hard to go out as come in.
neither handle nor key
lets the door open free.
put the snib on, and open the gin.
"
"it's anaphoretic; its minus
seeks anodes without any shyness.
any positive pole
is its goal, on the whole,
which it seeks in the absence of dryness.
"
"of all bible translations, douay-rheims
puts the vulgate in english, it seems.
but king james gave his forces
original sources,
and thwarted those jesuit schemes.
"
"chelating's a chemical thing,
and its agents take under their wing
such molecular scraps
as their structure enwraps:
they engulf; they disable; they cling.
"
"who deputes? well, a deputator might.
townsfolk trust that their sheriff is right.
once, when raising a posse,
i deputised flossie
as side-saddle deputy knight.
"
"making pastry, my hands are all thumbs,
and too warm ? i've tried ice, but it numbs.
so when baking a pie
i am crushed to rely
for the case on some dry cracker crumbs.
"
"convertibleness we had sought
in a sofa we recently bought.
it converts to a bed;
now i'm living in dread
that her mother stays more than she ought.
"
"disfranchised, i am (you may quote)
deprived of the right to a vote.
not as if i believe in
those slippery, thievin',
corrupt politicians of note.
"
"cumu-cirro-stratus i see ? it's a cloud
that i wouldn't be naming out loud.
if this nimbus brings rain
you won't see me again;
an umbrella's a pain in a crowd.
"
"the irish may seem desultorious
in sending her happy and glorious;
though many are keen
to wave flags at the queen,
deciding ""which flag?"" is laborious.
"
"when you're facing a grim vigilante,
and your chance of escaping seems scanty,
you'd be happy to pay
for a do-over play ?
start anew from the status quo ante.
"
"business district? a wonderful site,
but each office is empty at night.
then: ""want business?"" girls say,
just as bold as the day,
and as if to display a red light.
"
"happen northern folk know what i am:
i'm the pillar, or post, where doors slam.
as a doorcheek, my sorrow
can wait while tomorrow,
when southerners say there'll be jamb.
"
"if data compression were used,
then my gist into this could be fused.
and i'd leave it at that,
but some stubborn old bat
might complain that our form was abused.
"
"i don't drink any more, though i drank,
and when drunk watched my mind going blank.
when a cocktail was strong
or the evening was long?
""you've been  drinking,"" she'd say, ""to be frank.""
"
"my ciselure can't be effaced
by my foes, who would see me disgraced
with their morals so strict,
though the things i depict
in my carvings on metal are chaste.
"
"dramatic irony often will bind you
to your seat, and your teeth you may grind. you
want to shout at the stage,
with the players engage;
and you do, crying out: ""look behind you!""
"
"i'm strolling the sidewalk so campily,
my scarf trailing vampily ? trample-y ?
so careless! so fey!
your mother would say,
""don't take that old gay as exampily.""
"
"defensibleness is why forts
are constructed on hilltops of sorts,
or where cliffs fit the scheme
at a bend in the stream
of a river that brooks no retorts.
"
"degree kelvin? an error! oh, dear oh.
your marks, like this scale, start at zero.
""degrees"" are detritus
of centigrade-itis;
each tick bears the name of our hero.
"
"domestic relations suppose
a rule about drying of hose.
your tights would be fine
hanging up on a line
in a bathroom where nobody goes.
"
"of dechlorination i'm fond,
for i once was above and beyond
all my team-mates who snort
(water-polo's my sport)
when i say i'm a natural blond.
"
"you have voted me in. what a feat! so,
let us turn to the form of our meets. oh,
you suspect it's correct
to be ""chair""? i object.
i'm chairlady-elect of the wizo.
"
"my osteopath gets my praise.
i'll congratulate, all of my days,
him who cracked out the twine
from my shoulders and spine:
so the backslapping travels both ways.
"
"semi-feudal, despite the renaissance,
our great monarch deplores disobeisance.
listen close and take heed,
let his will be our deed,
and we're likely to feed his complaisance.
"
"colonialists have ambitions
to settle and farm acquisitions.
the tongue of their motherland,
set in some other land,
varies with local conditions.
"
"double flat doesn't mean you've no spare,
nor a duplex apartment you share:
it's two semitones down
(you recall with a frown)
from the note that you thought was just there.
"
"deletory things will delete,
cover over, block out, make discreet,
so you'll never bemoan
what you shouldn't have shown.
curtained commentbut your copy will never look neat. 
"
"cutting off is the way that a barm-
an protects drunken clients from harm.
""i won't serve you no more,""
he will say. ""there's the door.""
if he's lucky, it works like a charm.
"
"a good start to a better oration:
""jiminroses, accept our ovation!""
use my name; make address;
that's a double (i guess,
should the language regress) compellation.
"
"one more loan, then success or starvation:
that's our word on our debt limitation.
but there's always a flaw:
can the writ of the law
be enforced on a sovereign nation?
"
"""deep out of the money,"" you rant,
""this option i'd like to recant.""
any laughter is mirthless:
your option is worthless,
and hopes of recouping are scant.
"
"with bluetooth, you have the facility
to change your discoverability:
you can set up your phone
to reply and be known,
or pretend to a lack of utility.
"
"a destination wedding empowers,
for the guests have to stay, not for hours,
but for days, they report,
in some sunny resort,
or atop inaccessible towers.
"
"theologists use terminology
without any hint of apology;
coessentiality
(that's sharing vitality)
for siamese twins is biology.
"
"start with dermato-, meaning ""of skin"";
then you go on with -zo?n- to spin
a sad tale to relate
of an -osis, or ""state"",
such as scabies, with critters therein.
"
"just one cubic metre of water
weighs in at a tonne, as it oughter.
any box of that size
could procure the demise
of a lame or recalcitrant porter.
"
"vacationing, i shall make hay,
and service my joy, come what may,
as i coin verbs denominative
to show i'm predominative
and leverage my mba.
"
"liquid cargo its usual load,
the container, a dracone, is towed.
almost floating, this barge
is both supple and large,
and you won't find its like on the road.
"
"the nurse is preparing to lunge
with her soapy-damp flannel and sponge.
with a blanket bath, she
washes bedridden me,
and we're glad for expunging the grunge.
"
"with some candies, on valentine's day,
you might hope that you'll get all the way.
though they make a sweet start
on your paramour's heart,
they will not guarantee the entr?e.
"
"cross-cut ivory, showing the grain,
makes piano keys pretty, not plain.
but the waste in their making
sets many hearts aching
for elephants, sharing their pain.
"
"de facto, this standard is one
that measures a thing once it's done.
though it may be the worst,
it's the pattern ? the first.
isn't hindsight incredible fun?
"
"prophylaxis increases allure,
and your toothaches might also be fewer:
brush and floss every day
to fight dental decay,
for prevention is better than cure.
"
"the wellsprings of english aren't boring
with rhymes such as this to be drawing.
such a rhotical force
is so common (or coarse),
toffs and yanks gladly share the deploring.
"
"you afflict, you torment, and you drecche,
and you dr?cche and you dracche me, you wretch.
when you dreeche in your sleep,
then my temper i'll keep,
or i might be sent down for a stretch.
"
"ah, the ravishment ? sweet violation ?
and defilement. a precious sensation
from my droit de seigneur.
(mustn't think about her ?
moral fibre can't beat constupration.)
"
"the investors who purchase an asset
will consider each angle and facet:
is there safety or risk?
is it slothful or brisk?
in its asset class, this is all tacit.
"
"you count in the first place to ten,
then you do it all over again.
while this counting mode, denary,
won't suit machinery,
binary doesn't suit men.
"
"whether graven and gravely marmoreal,
or a bench on a pathway arboreal,
with intent honorific
to someone specific,
a memorial's dedicatorial.
"
"the current production rate's less
than a ginnie mae mortgage. excess
for commission we earn
from the half-a-point turn,
and the holders of bonds acquiesce.
"
"is the time of the month, catamenial,
when her courses flow forth (uncongenial
to relations ""in full"")
a red rag to a bull?
if a sin, it's not mortal but venial.
"
"conterminous girls find no friend
in ms. dorothy parker. ""attend
the yale prom,"" she advised,
""and i'd not be surprised
if the girls were all laid end to end.""
"
"chopped-up offal might garner disgust,
so a casing of pastry's a must.
learning french, one might say
""in a crust"" is p?t?,
and accept all the contents on trust.
"
"while waterloo bridge has its bag ladies,
they're not in the slightest like hag ladies.
beneath that fair bridge
they've installed a small fridge
for their botox ? they'll never be sag ladies.
"
"you are certainly good at accusing,
but your memories need disabusing:
i was not, as you said,
with your wife, in your bed,
which was not in the slightest amusing.
"
"aa? it depends how one feels.
if your car should break down, lose its wheels,
and you wait for assistance ?
just boost your resistance.
take cocktails, but only with meals.
"
"i'm writing a rhyming discursion,
the subject of which is immersion,
and so bath takes a hand,
with its crescent? the band
in the pump room? the gossips' diversion?
"
"your douceur is so hard to describe.
the word's french and, like words of that tribe,
offers meanings that smart
people choose ? la carte,
such as ""gentleness""; ""sweetness""; ""a bribe"".
"
"if from doctors' advice you have deviated,
your symptoms may not be alleviated,
and the illness beneath
may start showing its teeth,
so your life will be shorter: abbreviated.
"
"though of witness pooh-bah took his share,
at the crunch, disavowment was spare.
on an eloquent scale
he'd embroidered his tale,
but recanted with ""i wasn't there.""
"
"delibration in somebody's park
is an act best performed after dark.
you don't want him to see
that you're killing his tree
by the stripping away of its bark.
"
"chimney corners (or inglenooks) form
a retreat from the wind and the storm.
though a youth might perspire,
such a nook by the fire
is a place where old bones can feel warm.
"
"botanical terms have their fads
(for taxonomists like to be lads),
but dolabrate's one
that was not coined for fun:
it means ""having the shape of an adze"".
"
"anacondas are found in brazil,
where a natural function they fill.
if this water-borne snake
has a fancy to take
something furry, it squeezes to kill.
"
"diphosphopyridine nucleotide?
to define this coenzyme i sighed.
could an alias frolic
in fields metabolic?
nicotinamide adenine tried.
"
"if it's deletery, take it away!
but most up-to-date doctors would say
(if the risk of harm's serious),
""that stuff's deleterious.""
such fashions for words they obey.
"
"if the concert you're hearing is dutch,
then it isn't a concert as such.
each musician will strain
at a different refrain,
so your ears you will painfully clutch.
"
"co-carcinogens never cause tumours
alone, if you listen to rumours,
but combine to project
a malicious effect
on their never-so-willing consumers.
"
"a devoider is one who expels,
or drives out, as the dictionary tells.
if your farting in bed
leaves your love life for dead,
then take comfort instead from the smells.
"
"drug diversion's the name of the game.
every month, my prescription's the same,
though i'm verging on well.
i've a surplus to sell,
and an income to lighten the shame.
"
"in my camp there's an oven that's dutch,
but it's no good for baking, as such.
set this tight-lidded pot
in the flames to get hot;
pot-roast rabbit comes fresh from the hutch.
"
"leaf, metal, and foil, when dutch,
look like gold, but aren't golden as such.
it's eleven-to-two
copper-zinc ? that's a clue
that this gilding may tarnish on touch.
"
"when a nightingale's audibly dutch,
then its song's not a warble as such,
but a croak ? how absurd!
can a frog, once it's heard,
be mistaken for birdsong? not much.
"
"take a sip of this courage. it's dutch,
so it isn't courageous as such,
but you feel you can win
with a jigger of gin
(though the room starts to spin with too much).
"
"for decumbence i have some renown;
my acquaintances frequently frown
at my love of my bed,
but they're rude and ill-bred,
so i take what they say lying down.
"
"we're seeing which poet is foremost:
who's funniest; who'll perhaps bore most.
we fight against time
in the search for a rhyme
that will fit, and i've thought of one, almost.
"
"devatas receive veneration
from hindus of high or low station.
minor deities' worship
feeds entrepreneurship,
exploiting their subtle gradation.
"
"my emolument suffers no lackage
concerning my benefits package ?
but the tax that i pay!
though i work through the day,
i'm in tesco all night, doing stackage.
"
"these distinctions of place get no blunter:
when northumbrians say, ""there's a dunter,""
it's a porpoise; meanwhile,
the orcadians smile
at an eider duck, ripe for the hunter.
"
"though her husband's these twenty years dead,
what he left her still keeps her in bread,
and from cake and champagne
she's no cause to refrain;
so her dowagerhood is well fed.
"
"consolidative is the word
when you downsize your staff by a third,
then assess every store,
closing down one in four?
but that's business, or hadn't you heard?
"
"if you're seeking a ""no"" or a ""yes"",
it can give a result with finesse.
but what input can feed your
decision procedure
when hearing a sneeze? should you bless?
"
"duralumin! aeronauts sought
less weight in the frames that they wrought.
now this alloy aluminal
offers the numinal
freedom that icarus bought.
"
"i said to prince harry, upbraidingly,
""if you go to that party, paradingly,
in a swastika band
with reporters on hand,
you'll regret what you planned so degradingly.""
"
"the literal-minded may clutch
at a meaning they treasure so much
that they feel they're attacked
when they find that, in fact,
it's not strictly exact ? not as such.
"
"my wife said, ""we'll just have to hope
the lord gives us patience to cope.""
mysterious ways
prevented straight a's
for our son, who's a bit of a dope.
"
"once, the docklands, abandoned, decayed,
felt the loss of our mercantile trade.
now the offices dwarf
the old berths, and each wharf
sports more banks than the thames ever made.
"
"your derisiveness shows a misprision
of the motive behind my decision
to go dressed in this gown;
for my principal's crown
is ill-served by such hoots of derision.
"
"for transmitting the tractional forces,
the drawgear's attached to the horses;
and i know (when so drawn)
that my cart will go on ?
which the song from titanic endorses.
"
"our spaniel was trembling with pain.
our kind-hearted vet made it plain:
""though i'm sorry to faze ya,
your dog has dysplasia ?
his hip's out of kilter again.""
"
"your vagaries dentinocemental
may be treated by artifice dental.
the stuff in your teeth
can be fixed from beneath
with our fillings, for sale or for rental.
"
"corn is the commonest grain;
not just maize, i'm at pains to explain,
but it's barley, or wheat ?
local produce you eat
(since it's cereal) time and again.
"
"chrismation ? applying the chrism ?
puts faith through the ultimate prism.
in last rites, the anointed
might be disappointed
if, living, he'd favoured the schism.
"
"discommoned, cut off, and excluded,
i stand by the reason we feuded.
they shun me because?
i forget what it was,
but it wasn't what i, but what you did.
"
"doricisms won't carve you a notch
in society's pillars, so watch
lest your tongue get euphoric:
an utterance doric
indelibly marks you as scotch.
"
"if your lover's got senile dementia,
he will say every day, ""heaven sent ya.""
when he's copping a feel,
there's a lasting appeal:
it's a real and a novel adventure.
"
"though deep in the marshland i wade,
that will-o'-the-wisp starts to fade.
it was visible, plain,
but the image lost gain?
so i'm drowning, and also betrayed.
"
"it's able to lure them enticefully
because it's constructed devicefully.
my trap can determine
how best to catch vermin
by sizing the psyche of mice fully.
"
"beach volleyball's excellent sport ?
all its fans hit the sands and cavort.
and if players reveal
what they ought to conceal,
they'll appeal in a court of resort.
"
"your teeth will be under attack
if your brushing and flossing are slack.
to aid diminution,
disclosing solution
reveals that belligerent plaque.
"
"for cross-dressers, the ultimate shame
is to wear something frumpy or tame.
at the bar, for a dare,
all the guys dressed as cher,
but they had a good time all the same.
"
"will the robbers be caught by old bill?
the acid test says that they will.
a solid gold eiffel
with acid can trifle,
found the mobsters from lavender hill.
"
"descriptive statistics condenses
the data that swamps all your senses.
mean, median, mode,
skew, and sigma forebode
where the road to conclusions commences.
"
"a fungus, while crossing the bosporus
first class (for this mushroom was prosperous),
vexed the crew of the ship
with the spores in his tip
(understandably so: he's acrosporous).
"
"the ducktail (a hairstyle) would pass
as the sign of a rocker (first class),
or a teddy-boy, say;
both would sport a da,
which is short, by the way, for duck's arse.
"
"miss edna saint vincent millay
is quoted from nome to taipei.
her candle was splendid:
it burned, double-ended,
and turned one last night into day.
"
"a cloth or a flannel of domett
is handy for wiping up vomit.
cotton warp, weft of wool:
interlinings are full.
you can also make bandages from it.
"
"the catering corps should be warned
that our troops have been slyly suborned
by some yankee belief
that we're serving salt beef,
not the stuff out of tins labelled ""corned"".
"
"never feed on that seed cycadaceous.
though your hunger for cycad's voracious,
if you damage your brain
for nutritional gain,
any benefit's mainly fallacious.
"
"don't you dare disempower me. think
of my sanity, here on the brink.
a wax crayon won't do
if it's blunt and it's blue;
i express myself better in pink.
"
"disquietful feelings i've found
when i hear roly-poly, or round?
if i'm cuddlesome, that
sounds much better than ""fat"",
as in tales that my scales could expound.
"
"when a chromosome splits into two
in a microbiologist's view,
then two threads in a pair ?
they're the chromatids ? bear
out life's mystery: many from few.
"
"the effects of this desynchronising
can be very surprising,
for the metrical scheme is a treat ?
but also off-beat,
if a limerick you were surmising.
"
"when i told the young lady i'd heal her,
i disguised my intention to feel her.
but she felt my hands snake
from the site of her ache,
and she slapped me ? ""you fake! double-dealer!""
"
"the night watch of rembrandt van rijn
once suited that title just fine.
in the '40s, a cleaning
revealed a new meaning:
the day watch is now more condign.
"
"my mind has gone blank, don't you know?
i've memories somewhere? no show.
a century's span
was never my plan
and that round hundred candles can blow?
"
"""an inadequate dowry,"" dad sighed,
""is a cause to be burning your bride.
if her stove is defective,
we'll fool the detective.""
remarriage for gain is implied.
"
"there are men who will strongly endeavour
to hide a lost love, but if never
their lips can be parted,
while still broken-hearted,
their eyes will be eloquent ever.
"
"if my bride has a dowry, she'll learn
that i love to have money to burn;
if her attributes dotal
are little in total,
this match is a cause for concern.
"
"any foe i am glad to anoint
with my anger by signs that are joint.
just one finger won't do.
for my sign, i need two:
their consignification's the point.
"
"if you're told that its metal is dutch,
then what's gold isn't golden as such.
though this alloy of copper
might tempt any shopper,
it's brass, and it's cold to the touch.
"
"if the pump that you're pushing is dutch,
you'll not have enough breath to say much.
in a hole in the ground,
you can pump or be drowned;
thus they punish the idle, and such.
"
"if the comfort you're taking is dutch,
then it's cold consolation as such.
it's a solace perverse
to declare: ""could be worse"",
but it could be, and ever so much.
"
"if the treat that you're offered is dutch,
then it's not entertainment as such.
when the host and the guest
buy their own, then it's best,
for then neither will order too much.
"
"if the act you consider is dutch,
then i doubt we'll be seeing you much.
a deserter has fled,
and a suicide's dead.
either way, you will stay out of touch.
"
"a billboard displaying an ad
is more than just simply a fad.
but the folks in la
(for the freeways) said nay
to these things that distract, just a tad.
"
"if it's edible, you can digest it.
if it's eatable, critics confessed it
ok, but still far
from a michelin star.
and the stomach? ""i'll stay in and rest it.""
"
"out of earshot, i can't hear a word.
it's a place i'd have greatly preferred.
now i'm gloomy and bitter:
on facebook and twitter
i've read what i couldn't have heard.
"
"all chauvinists stick to the plan
of a slavish devotion to clan
that no witness can quench
nor objection retrench,
but then, chauvin was french ? and a man.
"
"cinderella now likes to confess
that this dochmiac line carried stress:
""you shall go, my dear!""
was disturbing to hear
with no slippers, no coach, and no dress.
"
"it's barbaric, the way that you speak.
without words, you just gurgle and squeak,
or go ""bar-bar-bar-ann""
like a surfboarding man,
which is what the word means, if you're greek.
"
"archaeological digs yielding gold
from the sand and the silt and the mould
are as rare as can be,
because robbers were free
(in the past) to put science on hold.
"
"decrepitude brings about shakiness,
and wrinkles, forgetfulness, achiness?
all manner of woes
that the ag?d suppose
are much better than terminal flakiness.
"
"we're billeting troops on the nation,
imposing their domiciliation.
they'll fill up your house,
but you and your spouse
can indent for a tent at the station.
"
"what loudmouths all think is adorable,
some hate, and berate as deplorable.
but live and let live:
what you take, you can give,
and, if repartee fails, they're ignorable.
"
"a chess board is used to play chess,
though its pattern is chequered, i guess.
black and white squares in turn
make it easy to learn,
but the game is much more of a mess.
"
"the troopers were turned out of bed,
and commanded to climb beachy head.
they accomplished that end,
and were told to descend:
thus a regiment's ducally led.
"
"cracker bonbons in bright paper wrap
can be shared by a pair, with a snap!
winner finds in the middle
a hat, gift, and riddle
or joke he won't care to recap.
"
"discretive distinctions divide:
if it's animal, go for a ride;
if it's vegetable, plants
bring a peace that enchants;
if it's mineral, look for a bride.
"
"dispiritment leads me to brood.
it isn't a rapturous mood,
nor joyful, delighted,
but dull and benighted?
i've run out of liquor (and food).
"
"you've applied to our court once before
about orphans who asked you for more.
mr. bumble, your case
can't be tried in this place,
so accept that conclusion of law.
"
"disentailed, the estate would gain merit
in that dad could pick me to inherit.
i'd hold on to the spread
if i wed cousin fred,
but he's dull and he smells like a ferret.
"
"my windows have crown glass. i keep
trying not to think ""quaint"" in my sleep.
as through ripples i stare,
i'm at pains to declare
that such glazing is no longer cheap.
"
"dar al-islam ""where moslems may gaily
make obeisance to god five times daily""
is a wolf in sheep's garb:
all the world's dar al-harb
sans sharia ? ask any israeli.
"
"birthday bumps are embarrassing things.
when your bum hits the carpet, it stings.
and though chris might be smug,
there's a bell on the rug.
is he young? people shrug. count the rings.
"
"my glassblowing skills can evoke
emotions to make a man choke.
my art is now cullet;
it sticks in my gullet,
but what else to do when it broke?
"
"all these dim sum are touching my heart
as they're steamily served from a cart.
of the family, ma
loved the most to yum cha?
it's a shame we all drifted apart.
"
"while we wait for the storm to blow through,
there's temptation ? does she feel it too?
with her hands on my thigh
it goes splat! in her eye:
it has come to a head ? as they do.
"
"i was offered a ""donative gift""
with no shred of linguistical thrift.
tautological forms
are now marketing norms,
so i'm flattered, but equally miffed.
"
"deviometers quantify squint ?
the strabismus that means that the glint
that you have in your eye
falls on some other guy
who you pray will not take up the hint.
"
"i had looked on my chattels possessively,
but a priest put his viewpoint aggressively:
""there is nothing of worth
in such riches on earth!""
so i changed my convictions concessively.
"
"erwin schr?dinger's pussy once said,
""on the whole, i'd prefer to be dead.
but i'd gladly endure,
could i only be sure
if i need (or i want) to be fed.""
"
"my love life goes straight down the tubes
once the twins begin sharing their doobs.
marijuana all night
leaves me high as a kite,
and i'm cross-eyed from counting their boobs.
"
"to succour the sorely pressed native
whose wife had been wildly berative,
two missions joined forces
and pooled their resources
by making collections collative.
"
"a cytogenetical journal
has genetics of cells at its kernel.
you can read its attack
on what chromosomes lack:
mitochondria track the maternal.
"
"my appetite's often subdued
by embarrassment: belching is rude.
if i'm likely to feel
overwhelmed by a meal,
then i hope that the host is no prude.
"
"belayed on a pin, the rope's fast,
so the sail stays aloft on the mast.
the belaying pin's whacked
if the ship is attacked
and the swabs begin shouting, ""avast!""
"
"army air corps is nearly an airforce ?
the infantry might call it their force;
for tars, the fleet air arm
is more of a rare arm:
with budget cuts, no-one has spare force.
"
"a dihedron. well, how about that!
with two faces (two surfaces) pat,
you'd be frankly insane
(if each face must be plane)
to imagine this shape wasn't flat.
"
"disennoble him! set in reverse
his ascent, and turn better to worse.
russian spies, to the front:
look at anthony blunt
and his knighthood, revoked with a curse.
"
"the curse would pass over and spurn
every house that had blood on its durn.
then said pharaoh: ""depart!
i'll give you a start?""
the jews left old egypt astern.
"
"castro clones in their lumberjack shirts
and moustaches and levis were flirts.
someone butch as your date
(if he was) could be great
back in? when? early eighties? that hurts.
"
"religions have myths of creation:
our earth's and its people's formation,
ordained by a deity.
god's spontaneity
suffers a lot in translation.
"
"a carom, a billiard shot,
short for carambole, likely as not,
means the ball that you cue
makes a cannon off two
other balls, then you hope for a pot.
"
"the queen of the suburbs is ealing;
west-londoners find it appealing.
the rest of us care
for the studios there,
which left the world gleefully reeling.
"
"decision-making skill's in your purse.
if the thought of a choice makes you curse,
just the flip of a penny
can deal with so many
dilemmas, for better or worse.
"
"if a drunk or a meal's eighty-sixed,
he's cut off, or it's cancelled (they're nixed),
or a burdensome pest
might be banned, for the best
and for ever, with feelings unmixed.
"
"colour-sergeants have charge of and shield
their regiment's flag in the field ?
not to hide it, but wave,
making all of us brave
with a rallying-point not to yield.
"
"they said that my dance was audacious.
the table was certainly spacious.
a duke soon arose;
said he'd like to propose?
so my dancing was most efficacious.
"
"an italian went to new york,
where he lived upon nothing but pork.
for home he was pining:
with roman cross-tining,
spaghetti don't slip off your fork.
"
"if your goal is to measure your trees,
a dendrometer does it with ease.
fix its band round the trunk:
did it swell? has it shrunk?
you'll discover the truth by degrees.
"
"disfranchisement takes away rights
for which citizens got into fights.
the right of most note
is the freedom to vote
for those rats we promote to the heights.
"
"if america's envoy proclaims
that he's gone to the ""court of st. james""
to present his credentials,
he's missed the essentials
of accurate usage of names.
"
"cyphonism's no end that is sticky;
old webster is taking the mickey.
the well-informed money
is not on the honey,
but a punishment yoke (for the picky).
"
"francis drake wasn't taken aback:
""we have time to repel the attack.""
then he sent one more bowl
with unruffled control
curvilinearly up to the jack.
"
"while a web-surfer's chasing some fad,
many websites will show him an ad.
if their tricks are distinct,
he may click what they've linked.
that's a click-through: they've scored with the lad.
"
"whether catsup or ketchup, it's banned
from school meals in all parts of the land?
which is france, don't you know.
for this sauce they must go
to mcdonald's. says ronald, ""that's grand!""
"
"that a hoverfly's striped like a bee
makes it allosematic. you see
something yellow and black;
it's no good as a snack,
as the predators learn to agree.
"
"chemiluminescent, it quietly glows.
a reaction's the cause, i suppose,
to the vanishing cream
that i hoped would redeem
what i found on the end of my nose.
"
"electricity meets elasticity
to result in a form of clonicity,
where you tense then relax,
as in clonic attacks,
and pulsate with the utmost felicity.
"
"here's a term to confuse the unwary:
carbon brushes are solid, not hairy.
commutators rotate,
and their contacts all skate
past the brush, so connections can vary.
"
"the mohicans go mile after mile
on patrol, in traditional style.
is that four braves abreast?
no, in line: they've assessed
that in woodlands it's best to defile.
"
"horror movies are sure to offend
if they're not what producers pretend,
so your hair remains staid,
and decumbently laid ?
not the way that you'd paid for: on end.
"
"her mouth makes an unpleasant shape
when she stands there just gawping, agape.
the phone box was small;
it's not shocking at all
if my underwear's over my cape.
"
"domiciliary care and attention
(in my home) is too galling to mention.
those who bring me a pie
also button my fly,
for infirmity cedes no exemption.
"
"stringing wire round walls, you could clamp it,
but a hook is sufficient: a crampet.
for aesthetics, it's best
if the wire's recessed,
so cut grooves, sink each crampet, and tamp it.
"
"a hare in the lair where it's hidden
might break cover (or covert) unbidden?
in a meadowbound race,
coursing hounds give it chase:
primal instincts are not overridden.
"
"i said i would meet you today,
and i'll do it, i swear, come what may.
though the track to our tryst
hugs a cliff, in the mist,
there's no peril shall keep me away!
"
"conduplicate petals or leaves
might be folded in bunches or sheaves.
with a crease down their length,
they fold inward for strength
or protection from tempests or thieves.
"
"dismantled, this dresser's a pain.
i can't put it together again.
the removal men swore
that the bits fit the door,
and they did ? with the use of a plane.
"
"distinguishment (said my old tutor)
will mark out a man from a neuter,
a sheep from a goat,
a neck from a throat,
and a mac from a lesser computer.
"
"away with your currency basket!
the euro will take us to task, it
will make us all equal,
and prosper in sequel?
but history's sure to unmask it.
"
"our guild, gold and silver wyre drawers,
gets sniggers, not laughs (or applause).
but of drawing of wire
we never do tire
when precious. now, how about yours?
"
"""the peacemakers, let them be blessed"" ?
and the devil may take all the rest.
this famous beatitude
offers some latitude,
as samuel colt once professed.
"
"digging wax from my earhole, contortionally,
my toe takes up space disproportionally.
i regret how i whinged
about being syringed,
for i can't get it out now, unfortionally.
"
"when chromium's chromous, its fate
is to have a less oxidised state
than the highly charged chromic
that gives the suomic
(read: ""finnish"") of chromium plate.
"
"feeding logs to the fire, young bob
found the andirons weren't up to the job.
""insufficiently pretty,""
he thought, ""more's the pity.""
a cobiron is topped with a knob.
"
"what has dueness? a thing that is due ?
and it's you, and you're late. what to do?
here with me, in this bar,
ought to be where you are?
i'm ahead now, by more than a few.
"
"see me busy now, dew-retting flax.
see it rot, in the meadow, in stacks,
where it's best left alone.
so i play with my phone
at repelling the zombie attacks.
"
"demographical studies reveal
ebbs and flows in the popular weal:
if the births don't replace
those who've died, then that race
needs more philoprogenitive zeal.
"
"despite being quartered palatially,
mps, when they vote, do it glacially.
directions oppose
of the ayes and the noes,
as they troop through the lobbies, bifacially.
"
"on the day that st. mark's campanile
fell to ruins, said venice: ""big deal, eh?""
they rebuilt it so well
that the tourists can't tell
just how real is the source of the peal, eh!
"
"chubby chasers love folks who are fat:
male or female, no part should be flat.
i have one who admires
me, frankly desires ?
and feeds me. now how about that!
"
"an ear-piercing scream is a thing
that's so loud it continues to sing
in your ears? or, a shriek
that shows faulty technique
when they're making a hole for a ring.
"
"as a pedant, i'm more than aware
that a boon is no gift, it's a prayer
when it's ""granted"". so be it,
but most never see it
that way, and it's driving me spare!
"
"if coffee's a drink that excels,
that's down to olfactory spells.
this beverage (brown)
lifts you up when you're down,
but it's never as good as it smells.
"
"the denizens here have the right
to hunt for the pot, day and night.
you can share in that prize
if i denizenize
you. just pay me enough, and i might.
"
"tons of silt from a river's debris
one day, on a slope, may break free.
when these sediments slide
down the continent's side,
abyssal fans form undersea!
"
"dollar bonds are a way to raise debt
that investors will think a safe bet.
foreign currency loans
may feel wrong in your bones,
but they're not too much trouble, as yet.
"
"she had biddably gone with a lad ?
of that weakness, no cure's to be had.
she succumbed, as she would,
when he murmured ""jane good""
so that jane understood: tarzan bade.
"
"is it cultural relativism's view
that it's fine to make missionary stew?
is it wrong to agree
that you shouldn't eat me
on account that i wouldn't eat you?
"
"i'll be damned if i'm ever au fait
with what's meant by a cocktail buffet.
if it's drinks you pick out
from a table, no doubt
i'll feel less with one more canap?.
"
"apprehensiveness never once fails
to take all the wind from my sails.
the worry i feel
may be slightly unreal,
but i've bitten off all of my nails.
"
"the audience audibly sighs
as i hit my b-flat (no surprise),
and my voice does no wrong
in my death scene ? so long!
as consumptiveness speeds my demise.
"
"other shareholders thought it a beaut
when i filed a derivative suit,
since the board took no action
to stop malefaction
like sending the jet to fetch fruit.
"
"a canal is a watery highway
where my barge can avoid every byway
that wagons may choose,
and perhaps overuse?
as bargee, i'll be cruising it my way.
"
"a datum line clearly bedevilled
the crowd as they partied and revelled,
for they couldn't forget
that a scarecrow was set
as the limit of being dishevelled.
"
"for their vivid ? or brash ? colouration,
the macaws get a standing ovation;
and their plumage in flight
isn't all that is bright,
as they'll tell you with no hesitation.
"
"my birdhouse is where i keep birds,
in flocks, not in shoals or in herds.
they twitter and coo,
which is all that they do ?
that's apart from the mountains of? guano.
"
"my ear to your chest, i say: ""speak!""
and your voice has a timbre unique ?
like a goat's: egophonic.
""i'll give you a tonic.""
(effusion with pleurisy? eeek!)
"
"""type a letter, three copies, miss frank.""
top sheet bond; carbon, bank, carbon, bank,
carbon, bank in a sheaf,
then i type with such beef
it could hammer a nail in a plank.
"
"if ""home's where the heart is"" is true,
let my home (and my heart) be with you.
where we live, domiciliar,
will soon grow familiar ?
with children? your mother! her too.
"
"delayed opening on an exchange
keeps the price of a stock within range.
it's a market facility
to quench volatility
and limit a loss to small change.
"
"we're snookered by rampant senility,
and fraught with a sense of futility,
but life has a way
it can fight one more day
that's embodied in duplicability.
"
"to the fact that you've broken your vow,
how would father react? this is how:
with his jaw hanging slackly,
he'd look at you blackly ?
exactly the way i do now.
"
"if your docimasy stands as a science,
then in testing you put your reliance.
you must analyse, weigh,
study, probe, and assay,
to keep metals (or drugs) in compliance.
"
"exposed to a chosen emission,
the substrate achieves a rendition
of silicon, tin,
or whatever ? it's thin,
thanks to chemical vapour deposition.
"
"every twist, and each sly convolution
of my plan will achieve retribution.
there is vengeance (served cold)
in each knot and each fold:
there's no fun in a swift execution.
"
"if a chap was devoted to booze,
then the church key was what not to lose.
but it's only a fool
who depends on a tool
when there's booze you can choose that unscrews.
"
"deep fording, according to him,
means we cross where the creek's to the brim.
""there's good footing, for sure,""
says my man (six-foot-four).
five-foot-two, i'm just glad i can swim.
"
"just lay off with your constant derogatoriness!
all your insults are mere pettifoggatoriness.
either say something nice
or shut up ? my advice
to your saying-my-prince-is-a-frogatoriness.
"
"given bioelectronic control,
i won't stumble when i go for a stroll;
when my artificial limb
gets an electronic whim,
then the path is looking grim, to my goal?
"
"the results i pursued energetically
i look back on, if ever, emetically.
peptide synthesis then
was accomplished by men?
now some bugs do it biosynthetically.
"
"when i causatively step on your toe,
i expect you to shut up and go.
if the cause lacks effect,
you'll have cause to reflect
on the meaning of marital woe.
"
"here we are in manhattan; the fun'll
go on 'til we're full to the gunwale.
but it's really a chore
to be living offshore;
all the residents roar: ""bridge and tunnel!""
"
"if the bargain you've entered is dutch,
then you might not remember it much.
alka-seltzer might tempt,
and your hair is unkempt,
but you're still not exempt from its clutch.
"
"i'd intended to get there the rich way,
but it turns out i'll go any which way.
am i loose? no, i'm not,
so i'm proud that i got
here at last, not too much of the bitch way.
"
"is it eerie, or eye-ree, or airy?
guides to speech are forever contrary.
in this nest, somewhere high,
eagle chicks watch the sky
while their parents pick off the unwary.
"
"calibration's a nuisance, that's plain:
zero's dull, and the max inhumane.
dolorimeters measure
the masochists' pleasure
by counting their treasure of pain.
"
"if you're taken to hospital, pray
you don't suffer what i did today.
crawling out of that hedge,
i said, ""go, get a wedge;
chock the wheels so i won't roll away.""
"
"said jezebel, casting aside
her dress, red as borscht, ""you have tried
evading my arms
and my eminent charms?
why'd you open the window so wide?""
"
"a duplex, arranged on two floors,
will remind us what's mine and what's yours.
if a house, we're apart.
if a flat, we can start
with a rota for stair-sweeping chores.
"
"common entrance is something you pass
to gain entrance (if dad has the brass).
eton, westminster, stowe,
sherborne, highgate ? all show
that the grammar schools haven't the class.
"
"the viennese breakfast in bed
is croissants ? they're pastries, not bread.
puff pastry with yeast,
and butter not least.
but some prefer cornflakes instead.
"
"""watch out for yourself,"" i said, ""sonny,
there's women who'll marry for money.""
but the gold-digger's clout
(her soft words and her pout)
got him hitched. and don't laugh. it's not funny.
"
"accreditation is what i can't get,
as i'm not an ambassador yet.
a diplomat, i,
and i'm ready to try,
but not sure for which country, as yet.
"
"a dacryocystocele's fed
by tears that you never can shed.
they're diverted and sucked
to a pouch in your duct,
and your nose looks? much better unsaid.
"
"my beauty is ever the token
for which i might hope to be woken:
now i'm resting, renowned
for my slumber profound,
until beautifulness is bespoken.
"
"if you can't push my doorbell alone, ya
might suffer from acromyotonia.
when the end of your digit's
deformed by the fidgets,
don't stand on my doorstep ? i'll phone ya.
"
"the chorus was meant to be choralizing,
but altos and tenors were quarrelizing.
sopranos and basses
abandoned their places?
the soloists found it demoralizing.
"
"by the conqueror, cunning and deft,
with the title at last i'm enfeoffed.
i've become, as i'd planned,
feudal lord of this land,
and the saxon has packed up and left.
"
"emulation denotes the endeavour
to equal or better?whatever
your rivals achieve,
and it helps to believe
that you're cunning, and not merely clever.
"
"of this fault, if example you need,
mrs. malaprop's words you should heed ?
such as this catachrestic
remark (quite majestic):
""lead on, sir, and we shall precede.""
"
"deorsumversion is not quite a frown.
as i stare, does she think i'm a clown?
can i find a rapport?
she's inspecting the floor
with those eyes i adore, turning down.
"
"is it cymous, this flat inflorescence?
by observing the bloom's adolescence,
you'll see elders bloom so ?
but not hemlock, although
it helped socrates cheat his senescence.
"
"our planet's our mother, our nurse,
and more of a blessing than curse.
past the moon, beyond mars?
we belong to the stars,
but we're earthlings for better or worse.
"
"the nazis discovered a jew;
his extinction they now have in view.
he'd a life enigmatic
upstairs in the attic,
but you told them, you blabbermouth, you.
"
"disorderedness reigns in my house,
and it's all on account of my spouse,
who, tragic to say,
never puts stuff away:
another fine reason to grouse.
"
"your admirableness served to enlighten
my castaway crowd, but you frighten
them now. so, the twist:
i'm afraid you're dismissed
(with an excellent reference), crichton.
"
"my drawbench is where i perspire,
while drawing a rod into wire.
i pull it through dies
of diminishing size
till it's thin as i want, or i tire.
"
"i'm never an early adopter.
my wife was one once, but i stopped her.
technology's grue-
some before version 2;
i'll buy it post fixes, and propter.
"
"double stopping's a useful technique
if ""one note at a time"" needs a tweak.
hold your fingers just so
on two strings; ply your bow?
from your fiddle, two voices will speak.
"
"a roof made of thatch needs a thatcher,
and you incubate eggs in a hatcher,
and danny de vito
was taxi's mosquito:
a dispatcher of limited stature.
"
"a decal puts logos in view,
or flashes the red, white, and blue.
decoration's not tricky
when patterns are sticky;
it's just like an iron-on tattoo.
"
"destruction fire! shell the place flat,
and see what they think about that.
thus guns may be laid
like a carpet-bomb raid ?
that's an airborne cascade, not a mat.
"
"though a wall may be cheap when less thick,
it might fall were it not for this trick:
every three or four yards
there's a buttress that guards,
reinforcing, while using less brick.
"
"digitation of limb-ends bestows
the advantage of fingers and toes.
with your trunk or your tentacle,
draw me a pentacle.
done? now try picking your nose.
"
"chihuahuas and wolfhounds win prizes
at shows, though they're different sizes.
while their looks may mislead,
if a couple can breed,
they're just dogs in unlikely disguises.
"
"spectral signatures going adrift
have the molecule's shape in their gift:
the covalent surrounds
where an atom resounds
can be gauged by this chemical shift.
"
"does a push-rod resent to-and-fro?
just how far can a follower go?
when its cam spins around,
then the limit (or bound)
of its travel's the cam stroke, or throw.
"
"the choice of a power plant flusters
the auto world's movers and thrusters.
electrics and steamers
are only for dreamers:
the future belongs to combusters.
"
"a dimwit's a kind of a dunce
who's careless of slurs and affronts,
for his wits are too slow
for the import to go
past his ears when they're said only once.
"
"deadweight tonnage encompasses all
of what's carried through each port of call:
cargo, crew, fuel, food ?
but it doesn't include
hull (it's floating) nor engines (they haul).
"
"chironomus, genus of midge,
won't set up a home in your fridge,
nor give you a bite,
so these bugs are alright
and their lives you won't care to abridge.
"
"your neighbour you'll surely incense
if coal-tar you blithely condense
in your garden or yard
to make creosote ? hard
to defend, but preserving the fence.
"
"detachment's a thing that arouses
much envy in owners of houses.
a terrace, or row,
isn't quite comme il faut,
as they're nagged by their go-getting spouses.
"
"benevolentness, coupled with charity,
will dispel any hint of vulgarity.
though you wish for the best,
you will never be blessed
until deeds have addressed the disparity.
"
"for years my tv was 3d ?
tall and wide, but as deep as the sea.
that's all ancient and stolid:
the picture's now solid,
while sets are as flat as can be.
"
"baptized? i was dipped in a font
in the days before westwood or quant,
so my christening gown
was an old hand-me-down,
and that's not the religion i want.
"
"i went, at my doctor's behest,
to submit to a medical test ?
electrocardiographic.
now i'm out, stopping traffic:
""my heartbeat is one of the best!""
"
"council members may vote as they feel,
and their power and budget are real.
if they sit two till five,
their poor brains might not thrive
unless served (paid from taxes) a meal.
"
"the planks that i dream of outnumber
the seabirds that nest on the humber;
with the joists and the beams
that befuddle my dreams,
they encumber my slumber with lumber.
"
"this limerick serves as a p?an
to the king of all fruits: the durian.
as for those who would damn
it on metro or tram,
i can only conclude they're plebeian.
"
"embryologists writing a treatise
never think about how to complete us.
there is only our start
at the heart of their art,
for those fellows all study the f?tus.
"
"though incontinent beet-eaters dread
an indelible stain in the bed,
one with alkalinuria's
not so injurious:
stains are more easily shed.
"
"a man thought his wife was a whore,
but he couldn't exactly be sure.
then her ""father confessor""
left cash on the dresser?
dead giveaway? hard to ignore.
"
"metadata are facts about facts;
enterography's tracts about tracts.
disquisitions on guts
are submitted in gluts,
which our editor boldly redacts.
"
"if there's one thing that's certain to tick
me off, it's to give me a click
of your fingers to call me.
you want to appal me?
this isn't your soup; i've been sick.
"
"if you try to command an economy,
you make industry balance agronomy.
given news, we can buy
what you choose to supply,
but the queues aren't conducive to bonhomie.
"
"though the shipwrecked young couple idealise it,
he's a spaniard; she's french. they don't realise it,
but the language that each
tries to teach on the beach
will be mixed when their grandchildren creolise it.
"
"the language of christ, aramaic,
is spoken (alive, though archaic)
in a syrian village
so close to its tillage
that usage is mostly prosaic.
"
"although cellulose feeds any flame,
its triacetate isn't the same.
it's a substance we trust:
safety film won't combust,
making trips to the picture-house tame.
"
"chondrogenesis: cartilage grows.
it produces your ears and your nose
(where it channels each sneeze),
cushions joints such as knees,
and some stuff that you'd never suppose.
"
"will a bar printer print out your tab
while you wait with your date for a cab?
not at all. nothing lingers;
to and fro speed its fingers
(on a bar), while the back-hammers jab.
"
"i spend most of my birthdays abroad,
so that time i can somehow defraud.
far from home, years don't mount,
so a birthday won't count...
i suspect that this logic is flawed.
"
"the chapleted maidens of leith
are so named for their head-dress: a wreath.
the word chapleted fits,
as each garland admits;
but maidens? they lie through their teeth.
"
"an air-line, when used for a dare,
can cause injuries painful to bear,
for air, when compressed,
makes your innards distressed,
and does damage to ? heaven knows where.
"
"if it's dried up to dust, that's indicative
of a process that must be desiccative.
any shower of rain
offers moisture in vain,
and deniers are plainly pernicketive.
"
"dumb terminals sat there, reliant
on computers both distant and giant.
when processing fervour
is all on the server,
the users observe a thin client.
"
"how the kudos of brum has increased
since most call centres moved to the east!
basilectal your tones,
but when answering phones
they assure me you're english, at least.
"
"your behaviour is thoughtless, and bad.
you're the vilest companion i've had.
when you rattled my cage
with intent to enrage,
you succeeded: i'm now boiling mad!
"
"continuative, with acuity,
we like to effect continuity.
our sense undisturbed,
we shall roll, unperturbed
in our soul, through a constant congruity.
"
"the farrier's daughter was tarrying
because she objected to marrying
a man without strength.
she admitted, at length,
over thresholds the man does the carrying.
"
"in a marriage, one sign of the end
is a wife with an urge to despend.
when her shopping addiction
brings marital friction,
it starts an unfortunate trend.
"
"teaching woodwork, no ifs and no buts,
is a pain when the pupil's a klutz.
""keep both hands on the tool,""
i would shout at each fool;
""it's an edge tool: it's sharp, and it cuts.""
"
"let's be honest, we all know the score,
we've all heard that denial before.
you're only ""good friends""?
and you say, ""it depends
what the meaning of is is""? snore, snore?
"
"a clericalist at a feast
gave his seat to an indigent priest.
as he stood at the board,
he was roundly ignored,
and his principles served him the least.
"
"i am nubile, and flaunt my facility
to glow with potential fertility;
rich and single, he's eligible:
""i do"", if intelligible,
will witness our joint suitability.
"
"castration's a fate that befalls
the workers in harems and halls.
they don't call in juries
for messing with houris;
the penalty's losing your balls.
"
"a reckoning makes a narration
of expense, with a clear computation.
if your reckoning's dutch,
there's no breakdown as such:
just a total without the summation.
"
"if you're checking your check, then be sure
not to ask what an item is for.
if you say it's too much
when the reckoning's dutch,
they will add something more to your score.
"
"a chevron's a stripe like a 'v'.
ncos may have one, two, or three
of these stripes on their arm,
and that's part of their charm,
as the put-upon privates agree.
"
"my emotiveness boosts every feeling,
but the trait isn't always appealing.
the curmudgeon upstairs
has it too, but despairs
while my heart wants to dance on the ceiling.
"
"chi?in?u fills moldova with pride!
see our opera troupe, now inside!
get your cultural fix
from our tour of your sticks;
tonight, we will barter a bride.
"
"a blender is useful: for soup,
it will liquidise lumps into goop.
though its motor may strain,
many fibres remain
that a sieve would retain and recoup.
"
"read my will when i'm dead. you may pout,
but its bindingness won't be in doubt.
if you challenge, you'll find
just how sound was my mind
(and my lawyer) when cutting you out.
"
"acceptable people are those
who (in public) don't pick at their nose,
or sniff at their pits,
or scratch at their zits,
or much that i do, i suppose.
"
"each uptick or downtick will say
how a stock price has moved in a day.
then the closing tick's role
takes those ticks as a whole
so the dealers are doleful or gay.
"
"effervescible substances might
start to fizz, which could lead to a fright:
with two plinks in  your glass,
it may well come to pass
you'll remember what happened last night.
"
"i think that i'm ready to burst!
no accidents? am i accursed?
my skills are displayed
when i'm rendering aid,
but i must be the aider who's first.
"
"the end table's just out of sight,
but my elbow can reach it all right.
now that elbow is sore,
and my drink's on the floor?
i just wanted to turn on the light.
"
"imagine the plight of paul getty:
his guests all considered him petty,
for a payphone was all
they could use for a call,
with a coin box (just pass that machete).
"
"if your guidance is given to fools,
they will take it like sheep or like mules.
the intelligent rest
might remain unimpressed,
and (at best) cock a snook at your rules.
"
"in my will, my directions are clear:
in the nave, put my catafalque here,
so my coffin can stand
on a platform so grand
that it won't be confused with a bier.
"
"the water was badly polluted
at camelford ? that's unrefuted.
the upshot (i ruminated):
my brain was aluminated,
for what i recall is disputed.
"
"i'm considering how to rebuke
the urchin who cocked me a snook
(thumb to nose, fingers waving,
such rank misbehaving)?
a wigging! ? i'll fetch my peruke.
"
"what are chesstrees? i'll give you a clue:
confining the clew's what they do.
when you draw down the sail,
then these sideposts avail
to hold tension while sparing the crew.
"
"if a slope has a strong negativity,
it lets gravity conquer passivity.
there's no need just to hope
things will slide down that slope
when devergence promotes that proclivity.
"
"cappuccino just takes me to heaven.
frothy coffee? i'll drink six or seven.
but in rome life's a pig,
for it's most infra dig
if you order one after eleven.
"
"all your soda and popcorn is spilt.
feeling seasick? perhaps the dutch tilt
(the horizon's in shot;
horizontal it's not)
is the reason you're starting to wilt.
"
"though its brute artificiality strikes
this old angler as not what he likes,
all the merits of cotton
or wool are forgotten;
it's nylon that reels in the pikes.
"
"twin babies! i'm proud of their growth,
but one's starting to look like a sloth.
that change, developmental,
is just coincidental,
and doesn't apply to them both.
"
"the people who shop at ikea
get home, and then mutter, ""oh dear.""
the assembly of shelves
must be done by themselves,
and the drawings are cute, but unclear.
"
"is existence a gain or a loss?
live or die? fight or yield? brush or floss?
there's the audience, trapped.
are they snoring? no, rapt!
your hamlet is coming across.
"
"the audience, spotted and freckled,
with spittle befrothed and bespeckled,
had come in by bus
to stir up a fuss
and to barrack obama: they heckled.
"
"you want me to strike off your fetter?
i can write your attorney a letter,
but for now, i'm afraid,
though i'll offer you aid,
of escape i can't be an abettor.
"
"when we knights tilt for pleasure with lances,
then my cronel enhances the chances
that you'll live to fight more:
spread-out points spare your gore,
as they fail to impale in advances.
"
"credit entries, enhancing my balance,
aren't all due to my god-given talents.
my late grandma's to thank
for my stash in the bank,
and her bed with its four-foot-deep valance.
"
"the cast-iron plant can thrive on neglect,
lack of water, low light, disrespect.
in the hall, it's not fussed
by a layer of dust;
mine was living (though just), when i checked.
"
"his hankering came to fruition
in epigrammatic condition.
though terse, it was spurious,
but sarcasm's curious:
an unhealthy mind's ebullition.
"
"deliquium took you too soon.
was it two cigarettes and the moon?
we have stars, so you say.
could our love go astray?
will you ever get up from that swoon?
"
"berenjena or brinjal might beg
melanzana's or aubergine's peg
as a term that comprises
all shapes and all sizes,
and colours ? there's one like an egg.
"
"to give structure much greater respect,
methyl-carbonyl might be correct.
but those parts make a team
in the chemical scheme:
they're an acetyl group in effect.
"
"gloriana was never disbased,
for each line of her features was traced.
there's a way that a queen
must ensure that she's seen,
so all paintings from life were effaced.
"
"my argument's plain irrefutableness
should banish all thought of disputableness.
if you argue the toss
when i'm right, it's your loss ?
that's what logic decrees, with immutableness.
"
"bette midler could never refute
that the leibovitz picture was cute.
now, in tribute, i'm nude,
shouting, ""look at me, dude!""
my roses are blushingly mute.
"
"we wore all that we'd packed for our tour
every day on the cold c?te d'azur,
where it rained without cease
cannes to menton, through nice,
but we found that pastis was a cure.
"
"the electress of hanover stems
the emotions her sangfroid condemns:
""george is dead, so light flames
for his wake on the thames ?
or perhaps, as he called it, de tems.""
"
"i was caught in a ""pretty cop"" trap,
and exposure, he said, was the rap.
could the charge be denied
with my fly open wide?
that's a big credibility gap.
"
"i just eulogised poor uncle fred,
on account that he's recently dead,
and de mortuis nil
nisi bonum? but still,
there are things i'd prefer to have said.
"
"the duty on shipping fromage
was levied at bourg-de-p?age.
the is?re gently rolls
through this ""town of the tolls"",
where you might want to make a portage.
"
"as we bond, two electrons entwine.
in coordinate bonds, they're both mine.
my electron assailants
eclipse normal valence.
dipolar? we charge to combine.
"
"i am classless, unable to spoil
my links with the sons of the soil.
dukes, barons, and earls
are as one with the churls;
all are classless to me, for i'm royal.
"
"all accursed with inflation's disgrace,
silver coins are worth more than their face.
when the mint's in a pickle,
it coins copper nickel:
it's shiny and white, but it's base.
"
"in the abbey, our rations' commensurateness
is ensured by a careful dispensurateness.
to the scruple, no brother
gets more than another.
when sharing, it's plain commonsensurateness.
"
"my convexness was never in doubt:
all who see me agree that i'm stout.
when i eat, not a scrap
ever falls in my lap?
if you find it, just give me a shout.
"
"people say that impeccable breeding
is revealed in a chin that's receding.
but those same people figure
my top jaw is bigger?
epignathous. i say it's misleading.
"
"said my all-too-impatient c.o.
(c: commanding; o: officer), ""go
and inspect the latrines
to see how many beans
turned to farts, 'cause the cook wants to know.""
"
"commanding officers, maybe pro tem,
take control when it's us against them.
when such leaders emerge
from the battle's hot surge,
they're promoted, and who's to condemn?
"
"the wet tea leaves mount up with each strainerful
until i've achieved a containerful.
but recyclers reject
what i've strained to collect:
""it's non-compost."" what's meant is: no-brainerful.
"
"yielding two-and-a-half, sometimes four,
british consols left pensioners poor.
no redemption is set
for this government debt.
will the chancellor issue some more?
"
"though the future is out of our reach,
a computer can model? a beach:
mine predicts that the sea
will rise two feet; yours, three.
 ""garbage in, garbage out"" goes for each.
"
"the wind and the rain make us cuss
when we're waiting (in vain) for a bus,
but a bus shelter kills
our forebodings of chills,
and it's shady in summer (a plus).
"
"do billionaires count as our heroes?
their wealth can outdo even nero's.
their bank balance counts
unimagined amounts
with no fewer than nine (or twelve) zeros.
"
"configurable systems escape
the restriction of pre-ordained shape
or condition: a dimmer
turns glare into glimmer;
a stole may unfold to a cape.
"
"edamame, say most japanese,
are the beans that are likely to please.
if these soy-beans seem odd ?
immature, in the pod ?
you should think about sugar snap peas.
"
"in a shop, i was trying a bed
that the label described as ""ez"".
when i queried the name,
he said, ""easy."" i claim
that americans messed with his head.
"
"""take gode fat ele, & hym culpe.""
rightly so ? who eats eels at a gulp?
and a nicely sliced eel
has a lot more appeal
than amorphous, anonymous pulp.
"
"when you're rubbed in your regions crotaphic
(that's your temples), the feeling's seraphic,
for the nerves crotaphitic
subdue any critic?
but do it at home, not in traffic.
"
"three estates of the realm we possess:
the lords spiritual, ready to bless;
then lords temporal (peers);
last, the commons (loud jeers).
there's no fourth, though some joke it's the press.
"
"your blackguardly deeds mark you out.
philanthropical fairness you flout.
with your dastardly crew,
you're the villain we boo ?
quite a coup, for a prizewinning scout.
"
"dermatologists care for your hide,
where their ointments are duly applied.
they have oceans of lotions,
and notions that potions
can succour your skin from inside.
"
"an observer of chemiotaxis
might wonder if cells display praxis.
is it conscious intent
makes them follow a scent,
or mechanical anaphylaxis?
"
"electronic funds transfer's superior
for payments; it meets all criteria.
in a flash, the amount
will depart my account,
reappearing, i fear, in nigeria.
"
"a rabbit went driving one day
with a babe in his cabriolet.
he had time and to spare
for the wind in his hair,
but the hare was too windy to play.
"
"my design is now ready to calk,
but i've neither a crayon nor chalk.
to transfer every line,
carbon paper is fine,
but you'll find it where dinosaurs walk.
"
"though a throne bespeaks power, some find
that its consequent glory's a bind.
hidden powers thus please
every ?minence grise
pulling strings of the kings from behind.
"
"biographically challenged from birth,
i can tell what my life-story's worth.
though it might appear cuter
if told ? la pooter,
of page-turning smut there's a dearth.
"
"while francesco schettino insisted
that his ship would still float, though it listed,
he abandoned his ship
when he happened to trip?
now his captaincy's future is misted.
"
"when the wife took the kids (as wives do),
the divorce led to much ballyhoo.
while the man took the cat
and moved into a flat,
his old woman moved into a shoe.
"
"two new painkillers: bayer had reckoned
that the first had a future that beckoned.
diamorphine became
an exceptional shame;
they got riches and fame from the second.
"
"in english, there's not very much
to believe in concerning what's dutch,
for these terms display leanings
to alternate meanings.
straightforward and clear? not as such.
"
"it is heterocyclic ? three rings:
central pyrrole, two benzenes like wings.
this indolent section
in perfect reflection
is used to make dyes fit for kings.
"
"defined benefit plans fix your pension:
you can plan your world cruise without tension.
if investments don't pay
the providers, then they
could go bust, which the leaflets don't mention.
"
"your argument's not evidential,
but speculative and tangential.
it fails to be backed
with demonstrable fact;
to prevail, such support is essential.
"
"electromagnetic induction
sees a current produced by effluxion
from a neighbouring coil
so your kettle will boil
and your rugs can be dusted by suction.
"
"any exercise wheel with a squeak
may result in a rodent that's sleek,
but the nightly disturbals
engendered by gerbils
subvert any slumber you seek.
"
"relentless, i hammer the keys.
i just hate playing lieder like these.
take the child; take him soon;
for if not, i may swoon
or my right arm will spasm and freeze.
"
"attempting, she thought, to speak cheeringly,
she flattered her uncle endearingly.
that cantakerous man
had a different plan,
but he waved as he fled, disappearingly.
"
"i'm stuck in a bad situation.
i don't have a good explanation.
my life's in the trash.
does that lawyer have cash?
one or both could secure extrication.
"
"bits of lining escape from your womb
to a place where, unwelcome, they bloom.
when your menses provoke
them to swell, then they poke
with more pain than a bloke might assume.
"
"citing ""horses for courses"", it's plain
that the belgians show little disdain.
an equivorous fleming
refrains from condemning
when horsemeat's the starter or main.
"
"detail drawings keep engineers level
when a concept might tempt them to revel.
all those parts make the whole,
but the whole has no soul
without details, revealing the devil.
"
"misrepresentation in wooing
has proved my unlikely undoing:
""i've been given the snip.""
she went straight for my zip,
and the consequence now is ensuing.
"
"the purpose of life is to breed.
a woman spends months at the deed:
her baby enquickened,
her waistline is thickened;
her husband goes out to spread seed.
"
"i said, ""you? you're no rocker, you hippie!
though your hair may be greasy, you're drippy.""
but this loser, this sad man,
just said, ""that's too bad, man.
stay cool. there's no call to be chippy.""
"
"while he answers my questions evasively,
his guilt fills my nostrils abrasively.
avoiding the point
puts my nose out of joint;
i'll ask them again, more persuasively.
"
"they wobble and waver erratically
when stuck to the wall electrostatically.
rubbing party balloons
brightens dull afternoons
if you don't make them pop too dramatically.
"
"kindly words give decedents their due,
and the mourners expect a review,
so, on someone's demise,
he is praised to the skies
in a eulogy. that much is true.
"
"enrichment need not denote wealth,
but additions, overt or by stealth,
that add something extra
in content or texture
to life, or perceptions, or health.
"
"induration means ""something's turned hard"".
cyanotic means ""blue"" to regard.
chronic venous congestion
is not beyond question;
this sign says the patient's ill-starred.
"
"if you drank just a little too much,
so your mouth's like a kangaroo's crutch
and your vision dissolves
as your stomach revolves,
then the headache you suffer is dutch.
"
"chemosterilants don't affect mating,
but they do keep the nursery waiting?
not just for a while,
but miss havisham style.
are they safe? well, that's up for debating.
"
"dear disgusted of royal tunbridge wells,
how your displicence burgeons and swells.
when you write to the times
to complain of the chimes,
do you give any thought to the bells?
"
"erotophobia makes us all skittish,
though to rule half the globe we were fit-ish.
but we're most ill at ease
(and the memsahib agrees)
with that topic. no sex please, we're british.
"
"you can shop with the chilean peso
in the chilean port, valparaiso.
taking dollars, arrange
for a rate of exchange
from a bank, not some shopkeeper's say-so.
"
"an electrifying show hit the town,
and secured transatlantic renown.
the fields of ambrosia
(""where everyone knows ya"")
ran for days on each side, then closed down.
"
"when the bricks in my wall effloresce,
the result's a white, crystalline mess,
made of salts, leaching out
with the damp from the grout,
and then dried by a zephyr's caress.
"
"a scrape will dry out and then crust
to a scab that keeps healing unfussed.
if it itches, don't scratch it
in case you detach it;
a scar's what you risk, if you must.
"
"there's a queue for the mikvah? that's fine.
my defilement's not ""standing in line"".
the ritual purity
gives me security;
making my body a shrine.
"
"concerning the ones i'd enthral,
i'll start with the ones who are tall.
as slaves, they'll be fitter
to carry my litter,
unless they should stumble and fall.
"
"this pizza is less than delectable;
the base should be barely detectable ?
much crisper and thinner ?
when served for my dinner.
don't you know that the dough is depectible?
"
"when the health of your teeth is in doubt,
then the pain may impel you to shout.
but there's no need to yell:
exodontists excel
in the practice of pulling them out.
"
"my collection of posters and bills
are all broadsides. a bookbinder's skills
need a sheet with a fold
that his stitches can hold.
here's the purpose a box file fulfils.
"
"associators, laden with coin,
look for clubs that allow them to join.
there was quite a to-do
when young brian boru
sought admission to ""sons of the boyne"".
"
"the course of true love, like the nile,
springs a cataract once in a while.
to face episodical
setbacks, methodical
people remember to smile.
"
"should i moisturise more? desquamation
sends my skin to a scaly ablation.
but i don't think i'll scruff,
because scratching that stuff
has a subtle but rich fascination.
"
"cross-vaulting, when used for a ceiling,
can make a cathedral appealing.
its arched intersections
make stronger connections,
and keep off the rain when you're kneeling.
"
"a cryophorus, ""bearer of frost"",
shows how heat at a distance is lost.
two glass bulbs: one is dried,
one has water inside.
chill the dry one, with fingers well crossed?
"
"you are culpable: you are to blame.
i am culpatory: ""you are to blame.""
there's me and there's you,
and our two points of view
make these words mean exactly the same.
"
"sherlock holmes had a great reputation
for this cerebral art: expiscation.
the victorian sleuth
always fished out the truth,
according to watson's narration.
"
"electronic surveillance comprises
devices of varying sizes
to keep tabs from afar
on your house, on your car,
and on you, as occasion arises.
"
"when compton discovered duality,
his nobel didn't quell his vitality:
seeing fission in torrents
from fermi, with lawrence
he fostered the bomb's practicality.
"
"normans, saxons, and celts were the basis
of great britain's admixture of races.
then the empire's last throes
brought in more; now, who knows
just how ethnically varied this place is?
"
"crymodynia's ""pain caused by cold"".
as your frostbitten fingers unfold,
then the pain becomes worse.
just remember your nurse,
and wear mittens, the way you were told.
"
"chain printers, one line at a time,
print a listing, a bill, or a rhyme.
slugs of type whizz around
past the hammers that pound
with a sound that is less than sublime.
"
"doctor jack prods my midriff and tuts.
enteralgia's driving me nuts.
is jack daniels symbolic,
for this alcoholic,
of colic, or pain in the guts?
"
"the anonymous man i must thank
can collect his reward at the bank.
though i've signed, as you see,
i don't name a payee,
so this cheque's an endorsement in blank.
"
"when a peg simply begs for a tweaking,
never switch from the pitch that you're seeking;
for g flat and f sharp,
when you're tuning your harp,
are distinct, enharmonically speaking.
"
"fetch the handcuffs and leg-irons. don't tease,
but enfetter me now, if you please.
just remember our goal:
each must play out their role
without losing control ? or the keys.
"
"when shylock is coming across,
he's eager to mitigate loss ?
once bitten, twice shy ?
so phlebotomists vie
to suck borrowers dry for the boss.
"
"they knew silver was nobler than zinc,
and so volta and friends liked to think
that it spread the largesse
of its current. wrong guess:
it's electrons that skate round the rink.
"
"crucifixion was painful and gory,
as four told, and retold, in his story:
matthew, mark, luke and john?
passing on the baton?
the evangelists spreading the glory.
"
"when they end in elevenpence, prices
are a bargain that falsely entices.
when a merchant's unwilling
to show every shilling,
it's chief of the cunning devices.
"
"does faultiness merit rejection
of goods that are close to perfection?
if blemishes lurk
in acceptable work,
should you rather attempt a correction?
"
"this unrefined diet's a fad
you shouldn't inflict on your dad.
you say that it's wholesome:
it's dismal. i'm dolesome ?
not flatulent, maybe, but sad.
"
"a wesleyan methodist found
that a lay-preaching miner, renowned
for his sermons on booze,
had unorthodox views
that were never doctrinally sound.
"
"club whoopee is great for romancing,
accompanied nightly by dancing.
with their jazz band so hot
(they play django a lot),
all your prospects, it's clear, you're enhancing.
"
"when an act's not overt but implied,
its effect, all the same, is decried.
constructive's the word
when infraction's inferred;
in the eye of the law, cut and dried.
"
"a lesson from cookery school:
emulsified sauces are cool.
oil and water don't mix?
i can show you some tricks.
mayonnaise may amaze as you drool.
"
"erotical's old and exotic;
what we nowadays say is ""erotic"".
both those adjectives thrust
the conception of lust
in a way that is quasi-hypnotic.
"
"endochondral's the genre of bone
that didn't just form on its own.
a soft cartilage frame
grew in place then became,
thanks to calcification, like stone.
"
"there's no cartilage guiding formation
at your skull's and your kneecaps' creation.
dermal bone comes to fruit
by a different route:
intramembranous ossification.
"
"trenches everywhere; no-one could park;
severed roots leaving trees dead and stark.
high-speed cabling we cussed
when the business went bust;
all the fibre they laid remains dark.
"
"deprogramming's had its result:
you were brainwashed, but now you exult
in the freedom of mind
that you never could find
while entwined in that dangerous cult.
"
"eucatastrophe turns every table
to assure a good end to a fable,
but the twist in the plot
only twists what it's got:
there's no god swinging down from a gable.
"
"is deficit financing set
to make us all paupers? you bet,
if the government borrows
to hock our tomorrows
for spending that's funded by debt.
"
"if you've eaten that ergotized rye,
then you're not very likely to die,
but when toxins ergotic
have turned you psychotic,
you'll give it the old college try.
"
"we know erythroid things are all ruddy
from our etymological study.
though what's ""red-like"" in greek
might be said tongue-in-cheek,
never doubt what i'm telling you, buddy.
"
"when you go on a peregrination,
take a picnic to ease your erration.
val-da-ree, val-da-rah,
some pat? de foie gras
gets your knapsack a standing ovation.
"
"cycloalkanes are wonderful things:
single bonds joining carbons in rings,
so the chain that accrues,
made of n ch2s,
carries on 'til the fat lady sings.
"
"i'm the victor at last in our quarrels,
so enwreathe me in garlands and laurels.
thus bedecked and arrayed,
i shall never dissuade
any maiden of dubious morals.
"
"wallis simpson displayed her acuity
in the way she embraced exiguity
for her figure alone.
what was bigger? a throne,
and the nerve to disown continuity.
"
"a decision support system's aim
is to keep you ahead of the game.
when you're looking to trade,
information's displayed
that you hope, if you lose, you can blame.
"
"are they four to a penny? they are.
with the best and the worst at a par,
let us praise sydney carton
for setting his heart on
a far better farthing by far.
"
"coalitionists, tied at the leg,
have to compromise, wheedle, and beg,
and accept what they're able
from doctor vince cable?
the gospel according to clegg.
"
"with exogamous marriage, you flout
expectations by marrying out.
though your folks tried to nix a
respectable shiksa,
no grandparent's quite so devout.
"
"the emergency services' corps
has the bravest and finest and more:
paramedics to hand
if you're injured on land,
and the coast guard for perils offshore.
"
"suppose you were stabbed in the back.
what protects you from such an attack?
is it corsets, or bustles?
epaxial muscles,
if tense (for you'll stoop if they're slack).
"
"if your plan's for defined contribution,
then your pension may show diminution.
the annuity rate
on retirement date
will determine your fate. destitution?
"
"enantiomorphs show, on inspection,
a congruence close to perfection;
but don't rush to cry ""snap!"",
for they don't overlap:
they are merely each other's reflection.
"
"when an eirenarch tells the police
to suppress any breach of the peace,
he's pursuing his goal;
it's this magistrate's role
to control every thuggish caprice.
"
"decene's easy: ten cs in a row.
double bond (hence the -ene) ? where's it go?
one to five on the plans;
two to five, cis or trans.
that's nine isomers stealing the show.
"
"the emblements, e.g. the beans
sowed by tenants, are theirs, like the greens,
hops and crops that they grow;
and this rule, years ago,
thus (semble) meant increase of means.

all planting you'd soon put a freeze on,
if your work could be lost without reason,
but emblements stop
heirs from losing the crop
should the life-tenant die in midseason.
"
"descriptivism says that my morals
(value judgements) should never cause quarrels.
my deep motivation
defies demonstration;
i rest on inscrutable laurels.
"
"blood is hard for your heart to coerce
through a valve that is narrowed, or worse.
thus, aortic stenosis
provides a prognosis
of breathlessness? chest pains? a hearse.
"
"i rejoice as i code apl,
all in caps, with strange symbols as well;
i combine some lines, whence
comes one statement so dense
that extracting the sense is sheer hell.
"
"given eightpence, that ploughman is willing
to spend half of an afternoon tilling.
he'll turn acres of sod
for the glory of god
and two thirds (which is odd) of a shilling.
"
"water-management experts look on
as consumptive use strands every swan.
what flowed down through a mill
can be swum upon still;
irrigation's used up, so it's gone.
"
"barging into our eatery, teas r us,
she declared she'd seize either our keys or us.
our defence could not fail if
this bitch (not a bailiff)
distrained what remained. the disseizoress!
"
"some offences, they say, can be hanging,
but her match with the drummers was slanging
when dame helen, as queen,
appeared hot from the scene
to complain of importunate banging.
"
"to exoculate someone, you prise
out the quivering balls of his eyes.
then you'll happily find
(since your victim is blind)
you've no reason to wear a disguise.
"
"i exhale, and the fug fills the room.
will it push all my pals to the tomb?
all the folk i provoke
never joke as i toke,
only choke on the smoke i effume.
"
"this chrysanthemum daisy supplies
an eponymous product we prize.
grown in many a land
since its rivals were banned,
the dalmatian pyrethrum kills flies.
"
"ecumenicalism intends
that all christians unite, and be friends.
its proponents expect
every heretic sect
to reject what divides and offends.
"
"double-glaze all your windows to beat
the escape from your home of your heat.
since it struggles to pass
through two layers of glass,
you'll find energy bills are petite.
"
"in her fractiousness, meg gets unruly,
for she frets that she's treated too cruelly,
and she puts on a peeve
that you'd never believe ?
so unlike, for example, yours truly.
"
"eventuation, or coming to pass,
is what psychics might see in a glass,
where each rosy prediction
is fanciful fiction,
foretold with the boldness of brass.
"
"romania has its impalers
(like vlad), and hong kong has its tailors,
but dartmouth embraces
more freshly scrubbed faces:
cadets who all train to be sailors.
"
"cranioschisis fills me with dread:
there's an incomplete skull, and instead
of a fully formed brain
just enough to complain,
""this i need like a hole in the head.""
"
"the glaze on this fabric's ideal
for a coming-out triumph, i feel.
with its shimmering play
you'll turn night into day ?
it's much more than cir?, it's surreal!
"
"with absolute tidily done,
i'll continue defining, for fun ?
in bold outline or dim
i'll go out on a limn,
if you'll pardon the terrible pun.
"
"with a grip on their cash that's draconian,
and tighter than any chelonian,
they will count every bean
up in old aberdeen ?
a scots byword for ""mean"": aberdonian.
"
"one reason i'm getting so fat:
i eat things for bets, like your hat.
and don't even question
my cast-iron digestion ?
i'm sure it can chymify that.
"
"exceptious, i cavil and gripe;
i'm the never-quite-satisfied type.
should you compliment me,
i'd be loath to agree,
because all your opinions are tripe.
"
"is his eucrasy fostered by stealth?
though his lifestyle accords with his wealth,
something secret protects
from carousing's effects:
he's the picture of soundness, or health.
"
"disaugment, when said brightly and breezily,
sounds like adding at first, but it's weaselly,
for its sense is ""reduction"" ?
no other construction
accords with its meaning more easily.
"
"damn their congruence, causing me shame:
i call each by the other one's name.
they're my nephews; each brother
looks just like the other ?
that excuse, to their mother, is lame.
"
"does flostre's philosophy stink?
dick and maggie tell jo what to think.
their friendly vibration
puts jo back on station:
empathicalism? ""think pink!""
"
"cyclopropane's reactive. its ring
wants to snap like an overstretched spring.
carbon bonds are at ease
at a hundred* degrees,
so just sixty's no comfortable thing.
"
"is my stethoscope cold? you won't freeze.
just breathe deeply and evenly, please?
you're eupn?ic ? a sign
that your breathing is fine,
with no hint of a gurgle or wheeze.
"
"congregationalism's a sect;
all adherents, in christ, are elect.
each self-governing church
sits alone on its perch;
popes and bishops they roundly reject.
"
"exhilaration, which thrill-seekers crave,
isn't only reserved to the brave.
this enlivening feeling,
so very appealing,
will spur you from cradle to grave.
"
"if you know cpr, intervene
when a fellow turns aquamarine.
but the victim is faced
with the test of your taste:
are you humming the bee gees, or queen?
"
"i once ate a bad abalone,
which made me as sick as a pony.
that's something like hoarse,
only lower (of course)?
sometimes, tales fall on ground that is stony.
"
"when destructionists say there's no hell,
do the sinners rejoice? they might well,
if they don't get the gist:
they will cease to exist,
with not even a sulphurous smell.
"
"that icon of norway, the fjord,
can be seen at its best from on board.
in this crag-bounded creek,
viking knees become weak
at a view that no wealth can afford.
"
"being endobiotic, a fluke
has the power to make people puke.
to imagine it slide
round your liver's inside
can result in a gastric rebuke.
"
"though he barks like a real eager beaver,
he's a great big soft underachiever.
when there's game that i've shot,
does he fetch? he does not!
still, i love my flat-coated retriever.
"
"my garter's innate elasticity
makes it cling to my thigh with felicity,
where your two-dollar bill
is held perfectly still
in a terpsichorean complicity.
"
"a blue scandinavian cross
upon white? no, i'm quite at a loss.
but this flag's in helsinki,
where winters are inky,
and santa, they say, is the boss.
"
"flotation devices are best
when they're lifting your chin from your chest.
if your 'plane was shot down
you'll be glad not to drown
with eponymous aid from mae west.
"
"watch me swerve, full of verve, gyroscopic,
between habitats polar and tropic.
though i swelter or freeze
i am always at ease
here or there without care: eurytopic.
"
"is there profit in bonds? my advice
is that current yield may not suffice.
when investing one's treasure
there's more than one measure
of value than simply the price.
"
"thanks to python, this word's on the spot:
""we are all individuals!"" ? what
the crowd chanted as one ?
spurred a dissident's fun
as he factiously claimed he was not.
"
"""i like to read cookbooks,"" said trudi.
""they help when i'm moody or broody.
my obsession with meals
as a pastime reveals
i'm a paid-up and flag-waving foody.""
"
"connumeration will take things together,
irrespective of how or of whether
they are equally classed:
though distinctions be vast,
count them in! they are birds of a feather.
"
"expeditiousness calls for celerity,
swift and smooth, with no trace of asperity.
he is bound to succeed
who is handy at need
with efficiency, speed, and dexterity.
"
"esn as ""sub-normal"" concedes
education that failed ? one's heart bleeds.
does a name cause affront?
a rhetorical stunt
makes a dunce the less blunt ""special needs"".
"
"the collodion process, ""wet plate"",
leaves my bank account looking just great.
given negatives, more
of what butlers once saw
i run off at a lucrative rate.
"
"if the pink that you're using is dutch,
then its tint isn't rosy as such.
although rose pink, its fellow,
is blushing and mellow,
this pigment is yellow ? too much!
"
"escabeche's a relish or pickle
that mexican chefs use to tickle
the taste of a fish
or a similar dish,
so your drool makes a flood, not a trickle.
"
"ethanoic acid's on everyone's lips,
not their thighs or their buttocks or hips.
if your weight's off the chart,
then its taste (very tart)
doesn't play any part. it's the chips.
"
"esotericisms roll as i rant ?
they're the insiders' jargon (or cant).
all those terms are obscure,
for i like to be sure
that dissent will be meagre (or scant).
"
"in acidic solutions, it's said,
an erythrogen's colour is red.
as it just wouldn't do
if red cabbage were blue,
sprinkle vinegar through, as you shred.
"
"it's ascending, this triangle: highs
on a level, but lows on the rise.
to interpret this chart
of a stock price is art,
and a canny interpreter buys.
"
"if i borrow some yen for a song,
and buy francs, where the bank rate is strong,
then that currency plummets,
my strategy's dumb. it's
the currency carry trade's gong!
"
"i've a nose for a rose and for wine,
but that skunk musk was hard to refine.
spritz this eau de toilette
for a whiff of mouffette,
and answer me: your place or mine?
"
"when a greengrocer sets out his wares,
and he labels them apple's and pear's,
the apostrophes' placing
is gross or debasing,
but only a dogmatist cares.
"
"raise or praise? each portrays an exalter
as devout as a volunteer vaulter
who in malta was taught
to exalt as he ought,
and when raising a vault, not to falter.
"
"expansion slots often afford
a place you can plug in a board.
your computer's more dextrous
with functional extras
inside, not attached by a cord.
"
"an evacuative treatment expels
any matter that lingers or dwells
in the depths of your bowel.
so, insist on a towel
and a bottle of scent for the smells.
"
"astronomical peregrination
gives each planet its own exaltation.
that's the place, it can boast,
where it matters the most:
astrological amplification.
"
"that mistake ought to make your face red; it
was hard not to laugh when you said it.
a face saver supplies
the excuse (maybe lies)
that is keeping your street-cred in credit.
"
"claustrophobic, my terrors abounded
as encompassment kept me confounded.
see it circle and close;
i'll empurple my prose
as my plight when i'm nightly surrounded.
"
"no display of engaging verbosity
could portray my innate fabulosity.
i spin yarns; i'm joe cool;
also blond; but a fool?
you say ""thick"", but i call it viscosity.
"
"when diaphanously shielded from sight,
is a girl incognito? not quite.
for a veil to succeed,
have it made out of tweed,
not some gauze that won't block any light.
"
"if cranberry culture's a living,
it's thanks to the berries we're sieving
(as our boots overflow
in the bog where they grow)
so our crop we'll bestow at thanksgiving.
"
"the goddess of victory's nike;
to lose makes her grumpy and spiky.
that there's only one place
for the first in each race
makes displeasedness part of her psyche.
"
"when our chances of winning are slender,
practicalities trump any splendour.
when our hope is forlorn,
dutch defence is reborn:
we pretend to defend, then surrender.
"
"crystal microphones don't need a battery
when they register insults or flattery,
whether spoken or sung,
hammered, tootled, or wrung
from a string highly strung in a cattery.
"
"passing fifty? no cause to complain.
soon they'll name every nought you attain.
sexa-, septua-, octo-,
then nona-  (oh, doctor!) ?
centenarian? fifty again!
"
"look at eros, adorning the 'dilly,
with his arrow that's aimed willy-nilly.
where he buried his shaft
had a meaning? we laughed.
urban myths can be ever so silly.
"
"direct lighting reveals all your flaws,
and (in movies) can mute the applause.
let a pin-spot's oblique tones
cast shadows of cheekbones;
diffuse all the rest through a gauze.
"
"""how do i know?"" no, how do you know
that a chicken stays fresh, stuffed with snow?
try it out; think it through;
how you come to that view
is epistemological, joe.
"
"carried off by poseidon? you rave.
yes, the girl found a watery grave,
but let's get to the pith
and euhemerize myth:
she was knocked off a rock by a wave.
"
"when an advocate pleads any cause,
he occasionally clutches at straws.
an inferior sort
in superior court
may contort (that's his forte) silly laws.
"
"adventitia is tissue, like skin,
with nerves that are running within.
it's a coat on the wall
of a vein, that is all.
like the casing on sausage, it's thin.
"
"when you're mindful of where you are going,
consider the way the wind's blowing,
take care, and pay heed
to the things that you need,
it is then you're advertent and knowing.
"
"when a transcript repeats every word
that is spoken and perfectly heard,
so that each little datum
is written verbatim,
ad verbum recording's occurred.
"
"to be born to the manner's a boon.
in your mouth is a silvery spoon.
while you're still in a diaper,
let dad pay the piper.
the advantage is you call the tune.
"
"a promotion is everyone's dream.
as you rise to the top, it would seem
an advancement in rank
means a trip to the bank.
too bad it's a pyramid scheme.
"
"the degrees i received were advanced,
with diplomas so fancy i danced
at commencement that day
(ph.d., mba).
all that pomp left me well circumstanced.
"
"do you find yourself talking like this?
are your family and friends getting pissed?
could it be any worse
when you're thinking in verse?
mister anapest, cease and desist!
"
"while you were at work getting paid,
your hubby was home getting laid.
this adulterer (who
told you ""hon, i'll make do"")
sure made do, all right, doing the maid.
"
"if your product's diluted, it's fake,
but for dealing in flake, man, it's jake.
just adulterate coke
and you'll never go broke.
you can cut it and double your take.
"
"all our seniors are learning en masse
that adult education's a gas.
that middle-aged dowdy
is summa cum laude.
so's the geezer who snoozes in class.
"
"the drug doxorubicin fights
bacteria, tumors, and mites.
for pharmacy pricin'
it's adriamycin.
the trademark is clear, by all rights.
"
"my adroitness is known far and wide;
it's a deftness that can't be denied.
i have dexterous skill
to move objects at will.
so why is it my keys always hide?
"
"the gateway to europe's a place
called adrianople, in thrace,
where turks looking west
sipping raki attest
to the leisurely ottoman pace.
"
"an ambassador serves to relate
the demands of a nation or state
to its friends and its foes
wheresoever he goes,
as he tells them to fish or cut bait.
"
"my shrink says i'm back in the saddle;
his ""inferior"" talk, though, can addle.
its adlerian hue
has me in a canoe,
up a creek, and without any paddle.
"
"some spontaneous humor is fine,
but beware of it crossing the line.
so don't let your ad-libbing
descend into ribbing
that place where the sun doesn't shine.
"
"at the top of our army commands,
the adjutant general stands
to ensure personnel
and their records, as well,
never fall into enemy hands.
"
"when tape is adhesive, it sticks
and allows you to safely affix
a note to your scotch,
so you later won't botch
up and serve it to underage chicks.
"
"an ad hominem argument tries
to disguise that it's weak and relies
on attacking the man,
so his character can
in its stead be what everyone eyes.
"
"when employed in an agency shop,
even non-union workers can't stop
being stuck paying dues
that the union can use
to remunerate guys at the top.
"
"you can name all the mates in your crew,
but your age-mates are rarely in view.
they're all people on earth
with the same year of birth.
for 1901 there are few.
"
"i'd say age is a relative thing.
there's a few who've seen many a spring
and a few only one.
so when all's said and done,
why has agelong a permanent ring?
"
"""i love pottery mottled and veined,
so i'll pay any price,"" she explained.
""it's my agate ware, which
i'd be happy to pitch
at my spouse if he ever complained.""
"
"we were hunting and grunting in pairs,
when my partner got caught unawares
by a grizzly who spun
and then brandished a gun.
let's abolish the right to arm bears.
"
"the adornments we make of our skin,
like a navel that's pierced by a pin
or a biker's tattoo,
may embellish, it's true,
but they leave us as ugly as sin.
"
"my aunt hedwig detested her name,
and her nephews detected her shame.
so they called her aunt ted
or used pronouns instead.
they were playing the anaphor game.
"
"diphosphate combined with adenosine
is an ester that's certainly menacin'.
it's a nucleoside,
a high-energy ride.
(you won't find adp reading tennyson.)
"
"as devotion that knows no restraints,
adoration may bring to mind saints.
think of worship and love
for the idols above,
or a girl who sees justin and faints.
"
"aphrodite's renowned sweet patootie
was adonis, the symbol of beauty
of the masculine kind
(i have rugged in mind):
very virile, not fruity, this cutie.
"
"since this house has a frame like an a,
we refer to its shape in that way.
i don't know about you,
but a frame like a q
would for me be askew and outr?.
"
"he's a hunting dog, noted for wits,
pretty furry, but not like a spitz.
this hound is a beaut
and he's afghan, to boot,
so i'm feeding him kabuls 'n bits.
"
"when they said you were lighter than air,
did you wonder or not really care
how they knew? by the way,
how much does the air weigh?
see aerometer measurements there.
"
"in the medieval kingdom of kent,
st. aethelberht fostered content
when he codified laws,
(anglo-saxon the cause)
with the church's advice and consent.
"
"with devices that offer assistance,
an artist creates the existence
of a frame and aesthetic
that's more than cosmetic,
so reality stays at a distance.
"
"the dramatist aeschylus knew
that one actor on stage wouldn't do,
so he added a second
and dialogue beckoned.
(the thespian guild liked it, too.)
"
"aeromedicine studies the pain
and distress we endure on a plane
as we sit in a seat
where we can't touch our feet.
(i'm informed that no munchkins complain.)
"
"it used to be bushy and red,
but it thinned and the gray really spread.
now it's white and it's aery;
there's practically nary
a hair you can see on my head.
"
"with the building ablaze in the night,
the equipment's just sitting there tight.
for an aerial ladder,
there's little that's sadder
than firefighters fearful of height.
"
"my house is refusing to sell.
no buyer stays more than a spell.
next door there's a plant
where the aerator can't
clear the sewage's sickening smell.
"
"i've an agent i no longer see
since he nabbed angelina jolie.
now he'll frequently shirk
all the agenting work
he's supposed to be doing for me.
"
"while in england consorting with fools,
agents-general serve as our tools
for ignoring a law
that might stick in our craw.
'tis britannia waiving the rules.
"
"when you ponder the ways you could die
and what anguish and death throes imply,
i would tell you, who knows
about agonal woes?
you could croak in the wink of an eye.
"
"don't mention to brits you're a clerk
in agro-industrial work,
because aggro can speak
of a violent streak,
and they'll worry you might go berserk.
"
"when i tote up the women i've had,
i start with my wife, then i add . . .
um, no other, my dear.
there's just you, and it's clear
that my aggregate's one. and i'm glad.
"
"when you hear in your ear da-da-dum,
that's the beat of the limerick drum.
when you read twenty straight,
then the anapests grate
an' a pestilence sadly become.
"
"as an agent i now represent
ing?nues so na?ve and content
that i charge them a fee
that is standard for me:
they get ten, i take ninety percent.
"
"remember the family farm,
the american idyll with charm?
agribusiness is strange
and that home on the range
has been changed to a corporate arm.
"
"we aggressed when we went to iraq
with our troops and unleashed an attack.
now it's egress we need
from this mess to succeed
and ensure that we never go back.
"
"be it science, the crafts, or the arts,
when combining or gathering starts,
keep the ending in mind:
aggregation, you'll find,
means the whole beats the sum of the parts.
"
"in the desert in asia called gobi,
in new mexico and in nairobi,
you find pretty quick
there's a kind of a brick
made from earth that we call the adobe.
"
"a priest, reading mass, wasn't blind;
eyed a lass with a luscious behind.
just under his alb, a cross
hung like an albatross.
white was his robe, not his mind.
"
"anadiplosis is when ?
when a word is repeated again,
again for effect,
effect we expect,
expect from a slip of the pen.
"
"some actions are quite aggravating:
like cutting in line without waiting,
and toddler berating,
and ego inflating,
and other-than-self deprecating.
"
"the kidneys we speak of as renal,
while glands that are near are adrenal.
lymphatics arise,
and which one of these guys
will impress by its size? well, the spleen'll.
"
"if you're quiet, immobile, and still,
and you cannot be moved, if you will,
then you're actionless, so
even friends may not know
if you're dead or just over-the-hill.
"
"o aerenchyma, glorious tissue!
drowning plants would be happy to kiss you!
swapping gases in roots
for the ones in their shoots,
you assist them when flooding's an issue.
"
"when a surgeon performs an ablation,
there's often a cutting sensation.
but ablated erasure
of ice from a glacier
means melting or vaporization.
"
"grammaticus wrote about saints,
but his homilies prompted complaints.
with vernacular speech,
aelfric wanted to teach
from the book without latin restraints.
"
"as a sea that is bluer than blue,
the aegean will beckon to you.
it has sunsets that charm,
while its islands disarm.
you will feel like an argonaut, too.
"
"they say echocardiography's best
at revealing what's under your vest.
the cross-sectional plan
from an ultrasound scan
shows your heart as it beats in your chest.
"
"if it's yes and it's yes and it's yes,
that's one possible outcome, i guess.
then from yes, yes, and no
permutations can flow.
in a table, decisions progress.
"
"your firepower helps you to scare
an enemy into despair,
so never repent
of the size or extent
of the weapons you're bringing to bear.
"
"evasiveness soon intervenes
when a newshawk demands: ""spill the beans!""
with a world-weary sigh
you concoct a reply
that you hope will belie what it means.
"
"fixed stars, you'd be right to surmise,
mark the warp and the weft of the skies.
they enable the notion
of relative motion
that bolsters astrologers' lies.
"
"it's a fiddling sum, and why so?
the fit payment for plying a bow?
no, it's trifling and petty,
a pinch of confetti,
not worthy remark, don't you know?
"
"if that nebula's extragalactic,
then to get there relies on one tactic:
to escape from the sway
of our own milky way ?
though the cloud could be anticlimactic.
"
"carbon tissue's a printmaker's saviour.
why the name? reproductive behaviour
in transferring each tint
of a picture to print
marks the progress from photo to gravure.
"
"i had bought a ""green"" furnace (some fool!) ?
attached, a peculiar tool.
the instructions? ""this axe
is for chopping up stacks
of fresh biofuel."" (green wood burns cool!)
"
"an embossment is wrongly maligned
when its bulges are hollow behind.
never call something squalid
for not being solid;
the bumps are the way it's defined.
"
"when you program your new dvd
for recording a week of tv,
then a calendar might
say the airdates are right,
but preemption can change what you'll see.
"
"it's a hovercraft floating on air,
a vehicle cushioned from wear.
the water is fanned
and so is the land,
and there aren't any shocks to repair.
"
"they work on the jets that we fly.
without them more pilots would die.
so the aircrew, to us,
are the heroes, and thus
we now toast them with mud in their eye!
"
"it's subsonic, this passenger jet,
only short-range to mid-range, and yet
in the long range we'll see
that the airbus will be
aviation's salvation, i bet.
"
"a soldier who's airborne will jump
from a plane and come down with a thump.
then he'll brush off his rump,
grab his gear and then hump
'til he bumps off some enemy chump.
"
"a lieutenant came home to oppose
the war we called 'nam and disclose
what some soldiers had done.
now a group has begun
to complain he gave aid to our foes.
"
"our toilet's as foul as can be,
and my wife knows the problem is me.
pretty pissed, she demands,
""stop the 'look-ma-no-hands'!
get ahold of yourself when you pee.""
"
"it's a fall-blooming, leafy-stemmed herb,
and for flowers the aster's superb.
but its name sounds the same
as that hotel of fame
where a room sign says ""do not disturb.""
"
"chewbacca and solo look drawn.
luke skywalker tells obi-wan,
""ben kenobi, hold tight!""
afterburners ignite.
the millennium falcon is gone.
"
"a minority suffers aggrievement
when injustices lead to bereavement.
they fight, don't you see,
for their right to be free,
which becomes their historic achievement.
"
"on a trip to a region of ghana,
i collected some new africana.
one document took
an unusual look
at liana that grows in botswana.
"
"my girl's an aficionada
of tacos and carne asada.
she's a food devotee,
and how much does she weigh?
let's just say she's the big enchilada.
"
"irrigation's a counter to blight.
hydropower keeps factories bright.
be it products or crops,
i must offer up props
to our agro-industrial might.
"
"we hear geezer, old lady, and goat.
we're called codgers and biddies who dote.
many ageists are mean
and their prejudice keen.
given time they will climb in this boat.
"
"this continent's colorful scenes
form a palette of lushness in greens.
i am africa's fan.
as the birthplace of man,
it imbues every race with its genes.
"
"we turned woods into cotton and peas
to promote agricultural ease.
now we manage the land ?
agroforestry's planned
so that farmers can plant around trees.
"
"when an adelaide mate is in town,
he will drink till he thinks he might drown.
a bit later this aussie, um,
barfing ad nauseam,
can't keep a single thing down.
"
"abbreviatory's o.k.
(in an a.s.a.p. sort of way),
for describing a word
cut to half or a third
or a fourth, on a shed-letter day.
"
"there's a body afloat near the rudder,
so i pull it aboard and then shudder.
i become apoplectic:
the stiff's anorectic.
it ain't heavy but, hell, it's my brudder.
"
"when components combine and adhere,
they agglutinate, meaning they near,
then unite in a clump
or a chunk or a lump,
like the wax that collects in your ear.
"
"when you're rating a bottom, it's fine
for a ten to be top of the line.
but it's rather inane,
if not downright insane,
to be calling a bad asinine.
"
"ontario's got one, i'm told;
in england, you'll find one that's old.
but inside the u.s.,
you will find nothing less
than three ""abingdons,"" lo and behold.
"
"in alberta there's cold in the air,
and i'm ailing, but not in despair.
my canadian spree
is to pharmacies, see?
i fill my prescriptions up there.
"
"when you gamble, you must stay alert.
there are those who will try to divert
your attention and cheat you.
take care or they'll beat you;
stay keen and you might keep your shirt.
"
"alcmene is bedded by zeus,
who's amphitryon, under a ruse.
by the latter she's had,
gets a twin by each dad,
thus defining a screw that is loose.
"
"from greenwich you're nine hours west,
so it's earlier, meaning you rest
when the english eat lunch.
then they sleep when you munch.
who's to say if alaska time's best?
"
"of hellenic peninsulas three,
the most easterly's known as akti.
macedonia's friend,
it's chalcidice's end,
where the monks say their prayers by the sea.
"
"the american kennel's for nuts;
it's a club for the lovers of mutts.
but the breeds, you'll agree,
are as pure as can be,
so these mutts are your anything-buts.
"
"microtubules resembling a ray
can form asters, biologists say.
when mitosis occurs,
there are systems of spurs
on the spindles like stars on display.
"
"a dyslexic artiste from chi-lung
had a mishap and severed his tongue.
so with reading a chore
and performing no more,
he has mastered the art of fu kung.
"
"armageddon will startle and shock.
good and evil have forces that lock
in a battle, they say,
that precedes judgment day.
armageddon to think it's a crock.
"
"the adder's a kind of a viper,
a terrestrial, venomous sniper.
but an adder can be
one who tots up your fee,
so with either you might pay the piper.
"
"the sex is fantastic and rife,
the hottest she's had in her life.
this lady's adult'ry
is torrid and sultry.
i'm speaking of chatterley's wife.
"
"there's an arrogant muslim wahhabi
in a saudi political lobby.
a contemptuous snob,
he looks down on his job,
but likes blowing things up as a hobby.
"
"with affirmative action our schools
have expanded minority pools.
there are some who will claim
it's a zero-sum game
and complain about bending the rules.
"
"to show us the man you've become,
you carry yourself with aplomb.
your confident bearing
and poise are unerring.
(the clothes you are wearing say ""bum."")
"
"geologists clearly agree on
the time that it takes for an aeon.
to me it's as long
as that titanic song
by the popular diva, ms. dion.
"
"my acyclovir regimen's why
i am holding this knife to my guy.
the sniveling twerp, he's
the source of my herpes.
i want more than an eye for an eye.
"
"if you're keen and alert and astute,
with perception that's truly acute,
then acumen is what
i would say that you've got,
and as attributes go, that's a beaut!
"
"the women who star in the flicks
are assertive and confident chicks.
they are actors today.
the word ""actress""? pass?.
call one that and you'll be in a fix.
"
"professional sports are a thrill,
but it's fans who are footing the bill.
the aggregate pay
of the yankees today
is 182 mil.
"
"we exacerbate things and misspeak
when we climb on our horse to critique
all the people who say
aggravation's a way
to denote irritation or pique.
"
"though the earth has its valleys and peaks,
uniformity's something it seeks,
and as water moves silt,
lower grades are rebuilt.
aggradation's a process in creeks.
"
"the derivative words we create
from constituent parts can elate.
we agglutinate, which
is the way we enrich
the poor language we all love to hate.
"
"an agglomerate's made by the shock
of explosions of hot molten rock.
when volcanoes erupt,
the creation's abrupt,
like a chip off the old etna block.
"
"many states form this wonderful nation.
put together, it's quite a creation.
we aggregate things
into one and it brings
a collection, an agglomeration.
"
"you agglomerate things in a mass,
in a cluster, a heap, a morass
of stuff stuck together.
you cannot tell whether
this jumble's your elbow or ass.
"
"i am saddened by certain senescence,
a body and mind obsolescence.
my old age decline
is an age-old design.
gotta get me some antidepressants.
"
"there were servants and manors and land,
so the life of a gentry was grand:
but this agentry sucks;
all my clients are schmucks.
guess i'll open a lemonade stand.
"
"should the size of my member appall
any woman because it's so small,
i agree, then submit,
""with agenesis, it
would not have developed at all.""
"
"at parties i'm always atwitter;
if celebrities come, i just titter.
the more stars and more glam,
the more nervous i am.
i'm a critter excited by glitter.
"
"an agent that alkylates may
help inhibit your cancer one day.
there are alkyls that race
to a molecule's place
and chase hydrogen out of the way.
"
"when referring to something containing
a radical molecule chaining
some oxygen to
any alkyl group, you
will be doing alkoxy explaining.
"
"the alkanet (family borage):
you might add it to salads, not porridge.
it's a plant that has ties
to our drugs and our dyes,
and some animals use it for forage.
"
"it's colorless, bitter, complex
(so reminds me a lot of my ex).
from an alkaloid base
comes this addict's disgrace:
i like morphine much better than sex.
"
"these migraines increase, to my sorrow;
analgesics i beg and i borrow,
but my doc is blas?
and just waves me away:
""take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.""
"
"they are places that teach you the rules
of nutrition?the basics, the tools.
from grade one to grade six,
you learn nourishment tricks.
they are called alimentary schools.
"
"there are alkyds included in paint
to inhibit consumer complaint.
these resins protect
from abuse and neglect.
if you're thinking they're new, well, they ain't.
"
"i'm an asian-american guy;
just an average student am i?
not the stereotype
that the media hype,
for whom math is as easy as pi.
"
"an epiphyte grows on a fern,
so for nutrients oddly will turn
to the air all around,
not the earth or the ground.
so this air plant's a growing concern.
"
"as i write yet another new verse,
i hope that it's better, not worse,
than the others before ?
some i really abhor.
if it's utterly bad, i will curse.
"
"a bunch of us charter a bus
for a tour of the city and, thus,
as an intimate troupe
(an affinity group),
we commune and complain and discuss.
"
"the recruiter was fulsome and smarmy,
but i nonetheless joined this man's army.
with my first bayonet
i was filled with regret,
and i think they'd be wise to disarm me.
"
"an amazing old codger from dallas
decided to live in a palace.
he courted six queens,
from old crones to young teens.
now viagra's his new digitalis.
"
"some lawyers like ambulance chasing.
right after a crash, they go racing
for injured folks who
might be pressured to sue,
while these lawyers remain self-fee-facing.
"
"a rupee was worth sixteen annas,
weighing less than a couple sultanas.
'twas a pittance in pence,
maybe two or three cents,
but enough to buy thirty bananas.
"
"i was down to my very last pul
when a comic approached in kabul.
now i earn an afghani
to sit on my fanny.
he's the joker, i'm somebody's fool.
"
"california has rules that are tough
for emissions from cars that run rough:
catalytic converters,
pollution alerters,
exhaust afterburners and stuff.
"
"i'm a fan of contrarian thought.
after all, this is what i've been taught.
so that, nevertheless
and withal, i confess,
with ""howbeits"" and ""buts"" i am fraught.
"
"they were negro and colored and black,
a minority under attack.
taking pride in a name
put them back on their game,
hence the afro-american tack.
"
"i am driven at work and at play
in an asian-american way.
born in chinese taiwan,
i love pouring it on.
my behavior is clearly taipei.
"
"there once was a hunter named darryl
who found twenty cod in a barrel.
he put clothes on each one
and took aim with his gun,
'cause he liked shooting fish in apparel.
"
"most music today they record
on disks that are easily stored.
but i revel in wax.
see those albums in stacks?
they are truly my vinyl reward.
"
"in vegas, a chapel's renowned
for its weddings, which truly astound.
twenty knots were once tied
on a carousel ride:
an astonishing marry-go-round.
"
"as the crow flies and air line agree.
they describe for a bird or for me
how to move in a line
through the air and define
just how short such a distance can be.
"
"i'm attracted by affluence, which
offers fortune, possessions, a niche
to indulge every whim,
as though wealthy and slim.
you just can't be too thin or too rich.
"
"when i'm penning a tune about june,
i might spoon with you under the moon,
or use for above
a word that i love:
the archaic and lilting aboon.
"
"if you're bored and you wanna get out
and excitement is what you're about,
take your wife on a date
to an actioner, mate.
as for sex, you'll be goin' without.
"
"this actionable is a word
that very few people have heard
in societies which
have no lawyers who itch
to litigate matters absurd.
"
"when you dig in bituminous pitch,
you'll discover actinium, which
if you keep it for long
will indeed do you wrong,
cuz it's radioactive?a bitch!
"
"a fellow who trotted the globe
now sits in his house in a robe.
he fears open spaces
and dreads public places.
we call him an agoraphobe.
"
"at the abbey devotions compel
the time for a prayer and a knell,
so that thrice in a day
you'll hear angelus play,
and the monks will be saved by the bell.
"
"my young grandson is laughing and cheery,
and his dad's playful fingers are weary.
i'm amused at their game,
even played it (the same).
i subscribe to the tickle-down theory.
"
"on the court you just move to the hoop
as the guard throws the ball in a loop.
you then sky in the air,
catch and dunk it right there,
and complete the once rare alley-oop.
"
"your hearing's so keen and acute
it has brought you a certain repute.
when i secretly pass
just a smidgen of gas,
you're so shrewd you can hear my astute.
"
"he forgot about placing the bets
and then ran up incredible debts.
but this new aide-m?moire
is a boon for babar;
now the elephant never forgets.
"
"i dress to avoid any gaffes.
my manolos are six-and-a-halfs.
but my man-about-town
likes to dress like a clown,
so i'm in for apparel of laughs.
"
"a young lady got married and found
her new hubby's equipment unsound.
she felt cheated and gulled,
had the marriage annulled.
now she hears that he's up and around.
"
"it isn't a hard diagnosis,
in light of how horribly gross is
the food that i eat:
only fried, only meat.
my arteries suffer sclerosis.
"
"in a midwestern town with two cops,
the mailman's a farmer named pops.
the airpost is slow;
that's expected, you know,
because pops has to dust a few crops.
"
"the city of accra's not far
from the country we call c?te d'ivoire.
but this port is in ghana
(gold coast, if you wanna);
use english when at the bazaar.
"
"an assyrian's bad catatonia
got worse with his double pneumonia.
feeling overly spent,
off to akkad he went
for treatment in north babylonia.
"
"my brother-in-law likes to drink;
all the ""ladies"" he nurses are pink.
seven cocktails a night
but his beer's only lite,
so he isn't an alky (wink, wink!).
"
"he's a fine all-american boy?
to his parents, a bundle of joy.
he's a wonderful kid,
oh, but heaven forbid
he should marry a fella named roy.
"
"there's a town in the hills of kentucky
whose people are happy-go-lucky.
they're ugly as sin,
but oddly akin.
they're so inbred it's creepy and yucky.
"
"for a phosphatase, study the bone
where an alkaline enzyme is known
to help esters unwind.
in the prostate, you'll find
there is one that's acidity-prone.
"
"a lace called alen?on's designed
by benevolent aides to the blind.
their embroidery school
for the sightless is cool,
and its motto is ""crewel to be kind.""
"
"since a needle can puncture and stun,
i was nervous before he'd begun.
but the pain's disappeared,
it was not as i'd feared.
acupuncture: a jab that's well done.
"
"a cent and a scent and ascent,
when pronounced, can confuse your intent.
but add context and hear
(""i assent, have no fear"")
what the sounds of ""uh-sent"" represent.
"
"dropped a flashlight inside a hotel,
inadvertently striking a belle.
'twas the battery's fault
i was charged with assault
and got tossed in an alkaline cell.
"
"alexander the great conquered greece,
then continued his march without cease.
he took persia by force,
and then egypt, of course.
after india? homeward in peace.
"
"alarmism's rampant, it's said,
with terrorist bombings ahead.
the department that rates
all the threat-level states
uses yellow and orange and red.
"
"at a hospital up in salinas
my nourishment's pure intravenous.
though alimentation
inhibits starvation,
the liquid repels with its greenness.
"
"so i come to the word alkahestic,
and see it's (thank god!) anapestic.
the solvent it names
is, by alchemists' claims,
universal and therefore majestic.
"
"my flashlight is constantly glowing.
the alkaline battery's showing
the bunny can be
so darn energized he
just keeps going and going and going.
"
"at a marriott up in marin,
an ague had guests in a spin
(runny noses and chills),
but they took a few pills,
and today there's no rheum at the inn.
"
"many restaurants love the elite.
the a-list don't wait for a seat.
whenever they're spied,
they are ushered inside,
while the rest of us stand in the street.
"
"these celebrity doubles are fun,
but alikeness can frequently stun.
at a party one night,
there was cher on my right,
kissing bush?not the dad, but the son.
"
"when told of her husband's indictment,
an equestrienne caused some excitement:
she threatened divorce
and then fell off her horse
in an awkward display of alightment.
"
"you can ride in reverse on a course
and return from the end to the source.
so your head and your rear
are ass-backwards (oh dear!),
while the cart is in front of the horse.
"
"at the officer's club on the base,
five lieutenants got slugged in the face.
(they had called me a name.)
then the air police came,
said hello, and subdued me with mace.
"
"my new agent for travel maintains,
""let's forget about buses and trains!
they're as slow as can be.""
she's air-minded, you see,
so she's booking me only on planes.
"
"i've been planning on getting away,
but my flight has been cancelled today.
now this offer of eight
thousand air miles is great,
but i'd rather have moola, okay?
"
"it's gigantic and moving our way,
so the meteorologists say.
it's an air mass, they boast,
that will cover the coast,
so we're in for a roasting today.
"
"the air gun's an excellent tool
for painting a chair or a stool.
don't rely on a brush
if the job is a rush?
use a spray, you'll be playing it cool.
"
"you can ship it by train or by truck.
if they want it tomorrow, good luck!
for delivery speed,
it is airfreight you need
to get more of a bang for your buck.
"
"consider the shape of a craft
designed from the front to the aft
to float or to fly
up above in the sky:
it's the airframe's original draft.
"
"when you travel in europe, you know,
doing clothes can be terribly slow.
there are washing machines,
but few dryers, which means
you may air-dry wherever you go.
"
"the beauty of helen of troy
was a powerful force to employ.
with that face and those lips,
she launched thousands of ships,
at which sailors would call out ""ahoy!""
"
"there is little to do or to see
if you live in the boonies like me.
keep an eye on the skies
or the air-dropped supplies
could be lost for a month in a tree.
"
"i've a habit i need to divulge
that has caused my abdominal bulge.
i'm addicted to sweets,
so i practice safe eats
and use condom mints when i indulge.
"
"on a sunday i'm out for a spin
when my rolls gets a flat in marin.
with the spare on the wheel
i'm retired, but feel
exhausted, fatigued, and all in.
"
"alloantigens make you produce
antibodies that storm on the loose
to encircle their foes
and defeat them, which shows
that your body's defenses have juice.
"
"a link or connection's implied
when we say that some folks are allied.
they're related by means
of a treaty or genes;
in this sense they are fit to be tied.
"
"every circuit brings darkness and light.
there are twenty-four hours in the flight
of the sun overhead
when we're up and in bed
and we pass from all-day to all-night.
"
"an asylum is where i remain
les docteurs check for l'eau on my brain.
seems they put me away,
'cause in paris, they say,
when you jump off a bridge you're in seine.
"
"my abode is a mansion with creaking
old stairways and lots of antiquing.
although this sounds facile,
my home is my castle,
at least in a manor of speaking.
"
"need a hand or some aid for your cause?
try assistants who work without pause.
every day 'til noel,
santa's helpers excel.
let us praise the subordinate claus!
"
"when you step to the plate, there's a stat
that in baseball determines how fat
your next contract will be:
it's your average, you see,
and it measures your hits per at bat.
"
"my wife claims i've broken my pledge
and alleges i'm over the edge.
though i promised to take
a short limerick break,
i'm still writing out here on a ledge.
"
"once a year i succumb to the urge
to extol allegheny, the spurge.
it's a shrub sitting low?
a perennial?slow
to advance and recede and resurge.
"
"i purchased this cool atv,
a vehicle neat as can be.
it allows me to drive
off the road and arrive
while my friends are all stuck on rte. 3.
"
"the pledge of allegiance creator
was baptist, a noted bay-stater.
so isn't it odd
that the phrase ""under god""
wasn't added 'til sixty years later?
"
"a five-year-old tomboy and scamp
took gymnastics one year at a camp.
on the floor and the beam
she was living a dream:
the olympic and all-around champ.
"
"for my wedding, i plan to impress,
wear a garment that sings of success.
here's an a-line, i'd say,
that should honor the day
when i get a new name and a dress.
"
"when extolling a friend's ""attic salt,""
it's not morton's you want to exalt
or a garret you mean,
but a wit that's so keen
it can win a debate by default.
"
"any actor might well tip his cap
to lloyd, who learns lines in a snap,
but his sons jeff and beau
are a little bit slow,
so it's daddy who bridges the gap.
"
"to the british, the word's aluminium,
which rhymes with the flower ""delphinium.""
it's the metal we use
in our siding and screws;
there's a lot in my new condominium.
"
"when the pain sense is dulled: analgesia;
when the memory's absent: amnesia;
if a duct, or the gut,
or an iter is shut,
then we call the condition atresia.
"
"your major is now angelology?
an int'resting branch of theology.
just how many can spin
on the head of a pin?
had to ask?please accept my apology.
"
"although medics should use, as a rule,
every drug in the kit, every tool,
acriflavine is one
antiseptic they shun.
""yellow dye"" doesn't sound very cool.
"
"if you're seeking a rhyme for nebraska,
you're giving yourself quite a task?a
nice test whose solution's
(think juneau, aleutians)
our forty-ninth state: it's alaska!
"
"doing acid on president's day,
a hippie was trippy till may.
now he always requests
acidimeter tests
so the dope doesn't blow him away.
"
"in greece there's a band named the ""hicks""
that athenians quickly deep-six
to a river in hades.
not acheron, ladies,
the hicks are now playing the styx.
"
"when athenians shop unawares
in the agora, nobody cares,
but be cautious if you
are a smokey or pooh,
and beware of the greeks grifting bears.
"
"there are adamance, adaman-cy,
adamantine, and adamant-ly.
their root is a word
(from the greek, i have heard)
meaning metal that's hard as can be.
"
"an upholstery artisan, glover,
awakens as coworkers hover.
after falling, unseen,
in a fabric machine,
he's recovered, but might not recover.
"
"with a fury your eyes are aglare?
it's a bone-chilling, withering stare.
though medusa was known
to turn people to stone,
with your look, love, she couldn't compare.
"
"to refer to the time in between
two specific events, i have seen
people using pro tem,
but consider this gem:
ad interim says what you mean.
"
"the pillars of hercules stand
on europe's and africa's land.
they are abila's peak,
of which ancients did speak,
and gibraltar, a rock that is grand.
"
"in the atmosphere, currents that flow
lead to winds that persistently blow.
there are airstreams that move
with el ni?o and prove
it determines how weather will go.
"
"before mourning for doris, i'll bury 'er.
she's the one i adore, yes, the terrier.
ah, but airedales are great,
so beware, there are eight
i'm adopting. (the more aires, the merrier.)
"
"monsanto and cargill and dow
tell our farmers, ""now don't have a cow.
agrochemicals flow
and our profits will grow,
like the crops from the land that you plow.""
"
"i was finding aerobics a bit
of a drag, so decided to split
and give bondage a try
for my exercise high.
now i'm bound to be tied to be fit.
"
"the african violet's bright;
as a houseplant it needs little light.
but what light it receives
grows those velvety leaves
and the flowers, both purple and white.
"
"i'm afraid that the first time i doff
my pants, my new girlfriend will scoff.
i'm concerned that she could
learn my leg's made of wood,
and decide that she's breaking it off.
"
"from the woman i love i get flak
and am constantly under attack,
'cause i don't like to dance,
though i'd jump at the chance
if my wife had a breast on her back.
"
"these mountains that rise in the east
give virginians a visual feast.
alleghenys amaze,
and of those singing praise,
yours truly is last but not least.
"
"speed it up, make it accelerando;
slow it down and you're playing lentando.
changing tempo can greatly
make music more stately.
now try a sedate allargando.
"
"an ambulance chaser's a lawyer.
at accident scenes he's no voyeur.
he'll rush to your aid
and you both will get paid.
dewey, cheatum, & howe's his employer.
"
"a cop in a rio cantina
serves an amazon gal a subpoena.
when she lets out a roar,
he bolts for the door,
for hell hath no fury like xena.
"
"my mother dropped strict fundamentalism
when her guru embraced transcendentalism.
he said, ""listen to this:
life is not hit-or-miss.""
she exclaimed, ""you've defamed accidentalism!""
"
"an acrylate's made of acrylic?
with this acid, don't act imbecilic.
it's a resin, a plastic,
and glassy, elastic.
its properties make life idyllic.
"
"some males who are alpha appear
to lead by derision and fear.
there's ashcroft and donald,
and dubya and ahnold.
we girlie men bring up the rear.
"
"a wahhabi madrassah in aden
inculcates the poor and downtrodden.
the students who best
spew hate for the west
get to graduate summa cum laden.
"
"an interesting fruit is the akee:
scented flowers and flesh red and tacky.
but eat it too soon
(or too late), and you'll swoon.
it has arils that make you go wacky.
"
"here's a toast to the young arriviste
who's society's hottest artiste,
so nouveau and so riche
that he only eats quiche.
all the fries and the burgers have ceased.
"
"they've challenged the justification
for my college's accreditation.
i surfed as a soph,
took my junior year off,
and then majored in summer vacation.
"
"as a force lies in wait in belize,
a few soldiers are strolling, at ease.
into danger they stray
down a narrow all?e,
'cause they can't see the force for the trees.
"
"when an exorcist grants your request
and adjures your demonical ""guest""
to be off and away,
there's a bill you must pay
or you may just become repossessed.
"
"with a cause that engenders dispute,
there are people who holler and hoot.
over there is the one
who'll ensure it gets done.
he's the activist?isn't he cute?
"
"with acid it's neato and keeno,
this compound (organic) amino:
abundant and rife
and essential for life,
kinda like what we call cappuccino.
"
"americans call it aluminum,
metal so soft that a human, um,
molds it too thin
and the noises come in.
will somebody please stop that bloomin' hum?
"
"a word meaning ""chilled"" is acold.
you can read it in keats, so i'm told.
and it's said to appear
in a play about lear
and in books that are covered in mold.
"
"i drank beer in my dissolute youth
and got drafted one day in duluth.
'tis the army that can
make a youngster a man.
and the beer? now it's gin and vermouth.
"
"we hear that a blackhawk is down?
it has called from the center of town.
we'll send airmobile troops
in a couple of groups.
we're the rangers, a corps of renown.
"
"a specific, immediate need
will in times of emergency lead
to an ad hoc solution
for quick execution.
whatever it takes to succeed!
"
"""c'est le vin that lends poison cachet,""
i was told by the head sommelier.
""for ze hemlock, merlot.
and for strychnine, bordeaux.
but for arsenic, use a ros?.""
"
"in teaching your masculine progeny
to steer their way clear of misogyny,
you guide them to pride
in their feminine side.
keep it light or they might try androgyny.
"
"this sausage is smoky and chewy,
adds spice to a bland ratatouille.
but it's made out of pork,
so put down that fork.
it's not kosher to nosh on andouille.
"
"we discovered a pink amaryllis
and found a new way it could thrill us.
i hid in a bower
and pulled out the flower,
then tickled the tush of my phyllis.
"
"an alforja's a pouch or a sack,
a saddlebag right on the back
of the horse that i ride.
there are goodies inside,
like a flaskful of hooch and a snack.
"
"allopurinol's needed, no doubt.
it's a drug that i can't do without,
since it helps me excrete
uric acid and beat
this incredible case of the gout.
"
"there's a solvent so strong it can melt
every substance, whatever it's dealt.
it's an alkahest that
deliquesces my fat,
and it helps me to tighten my belt.
"
"my wife has arrived at the store
way ahead, by an hour or more,
of the sale at ten.
she is early again!
on a scale of when, she's afore.
"
"acapulcans like puffing on ""gold.""
that mexican weed, man, is bold.
it's primo, muy bueno,
a ganja volcano!
it'll light up the joint (so i'm told).
"
"she's beautiful, sexy, and bold;
i now take her to have and to hold.
my new bride is named crystal;
she's hot as a pistol,
and all of a hundred years old.
"
"in the navy, we brook no debate.
whether sunny or rainy, we wait
'til the p.o. informs
the lieutenant of storms.
we salute the aerographer's mate.
"
"this insecticide's yellow and oily;
don't spray it right next to a doily.
its allethrin base
puts a stain on your lace
and is likely to screw it up royally.
"
"it's a tropical flowery plant,
an american genus extant
in honduras, they say,
and down mexico way.
ageratum's blue blossoms enchant.
"
"those absorbed in themselves will deny
others' feelings exist or apply.
when two egotists meet,
their conceits will compete,
and it's always an i for an i.
"
"my toyota's a target of scorn
when it pleasures itself in the morn.
it's a car so exotic
(and autoerotic)
it publicly toots its own horn.
"
"""dearest son, now that man's been restored
from sin's wages, turn now heaven-toward:
forty days since you rose
from your earthly repose,
it's ascension day"": thus saith the lord.
"
"here we londoners huddle in dread
as the luftwaffe flies overhead.
we think air raids are hell
'cause we simply can't tell
if tonight we'll survive or be dead.
"
"low aldosterone means you can't halt
the imbalance of water and salt
in your body that quick.
if you're bloated and sick,
it may well be that hormone at fault.
"
"their forebears were slaves once (alack!),
but they've always been proud to be black.
these americans who
are part african, too,
with a name claim their heritage back.
"
"after writing ten limericks or more
on the african culture and lore,
i have turned in my dreams
afrocentric, it seems,
so in bantu i mumble and snore.
"
"take a paper and write her a note;
make some folds to ensure it will float;
toss the message her way.
(an air letter can say
what you can't with a lump in your throat.)
"
"""the cuisine here is simply delish,""
said the diner while sampling the fish.
""all the food is top-shelf,
and the owner himself
still attentively seasons each dish.""
"
"when a guy does his best to apply
a lacquer to wood he will try
to spread it on flat.
if it doesn't, then that
means his fool applicator's awry.
"
"i've contracted avirulent flu;
it's so mild that there's little to do.
as it's running its course
i'll be sniffling and hoarse,
with a cough or a wheeze or?achoo!
"
"there's a chicken inspector named lou
who's contracted an avian flu.
now he's sick as a bird?
pretty plucky, i've heard,
though there's little the doctors can do.
"
"unless they're infected with rabies
or crazed from a case of the scabies,
these shepherds from oz
are a favorite because,
unlike dingoes, they won't eat your babies.
"
"a diviner who watches a crow
will observe all its habits and know
from its eating and flight
what the future will write.
such an auspice can prophesy woe.
"
"an exuberant dervish named earl
who decided to practice his twirl
was unable to stop,
so he spins like a top
and is nowadays always awhirl.
"
"this endeavor is well on its way:
from the words that begin with an a
through the alphabet, we
will continue to z,
writing limericks day after day.
"
"the automobile is obscene?
an infernal combustion machine!
it's a waster of fuel
that we need to retool.
(my new hummer is emerald green.)
"
"since the number of phones will explode,
we should hazard a look down the road
and agree, me and you,
that we simply can't do
with a three-digit area code.
"
"automatic responses may well
be conditioned by noises and smell.
a psychologist's rule
mentions doggies and drool.
(the name pavlov is ringing a bell.)
"
"when you're autodidactic you burn
with a powerful passion to learn.
you will read by yourself
every book on the shelf,
from cervantes to shakespeare to verne.
"
"acceptance is sometimes a state
of submission and lying in wait.
you have given assent;
you are set and content;
you succumb to the finger of fate.
"
"my neighbor mcnutt is aflutter.
he opens his shutter to sputter,
""your mutt, i can see,
likes to water my tree!""
mcnutt is a nutty abutter.
"
"the nurse watched the clock every morn,
as she helped the infirm and forlorn.
when the seconds replayed,
she would carry them aid.
every minute some succor was borne.
"
"on a map you can study brunei,
mark its borders with pencil or eye,
which would seem to define
its domain with a line,
but its airspace goes up to the sky.
"
"i'm a-huntin' for deer in my truck.
this durn air rifle's brung me no luck.
grab a shotgun instead,
shoot a twelve-pointer dead.
get a little more bang for my buck.
"
"i was hunting for deer with the gang.
had an air rifle, bb's, but dang,
couldn't bring down a stag,
grabbed my shotgun and swag.
got a little more buck for my bang.
"
"an air-to-air missile is fast
and produces a powerful blast.
with a weapon like this
fighter pilots don't miss.
the machine gun's a thing of the past.
"
"there are barrel rolls, flyovers, loops.
many thrills, oohs and ahs, lots of whoops.
oh, an air show is fun!
it's for all and for one.
i'm just praying no pilot says, ""oops!""
"
"there's a property right that may stun
even more than our owning a gun.
we've a claim, it is said
to the space overhead.
do these air rights extend to the sun?
"
"my hand pump is worthless and dated.
my heat pump is evil and hated.
i'm an airhead, you see,
so the air pump's for me.
it ensures that my ego's inflated.
"
"in our blood an agglutinin dwells
that assists in the clumping of cells
and bacterial goo
(and rickettsias, too)?
all the usual whistles and bells.
"
"though this verse has a definite plan,
i can adumbrate only its span.
write a line with a word
so it can be inferred
what it means. (do the best that you can.)
"
"an assassin, a killer, who hassles
a lass as he passes a castle's
irascible king
has his ass in a sling
as he rassles a passel of vassals.
"
"my bank account's low, i can't fudge it.
all the money i owe? i misjudge it.
i'm over my head
and i'm swimming in red.
i feel stuck with my debt and can't budge it.
"
"in agrarianism one's worth
is augmented by tilling the earth.
to bucolics the charm
of a life on the farm
is instilled from the moment of birth.
"
"there's a flower acropetal?bound
to develop its buds from the ground.
they will bloom without stop
'til they get to top
and the uppermost blossom is crowned.
"
"there are buffalo, reddish and brown,
near the cape of good hope, out of town.
they're an african breed,
sub-saharan and feed...
are you sure that you're taking this down?
"
"this agraphia's really a pain;
i'd describe it but have to refrain.
it's a terrible plight:
i'm unable to write.
if we talk, i'd be glad to explain.
"
"when an action is under advisement,
you weigh it and make an apprizement
of what you decide:
hold it up, let it ride.
either way you will get some chastisement.
"
"george bush talks a lot about freedom?
""for loggers!"" some argue, ""defeat him
or the forests will fall
and the last tree of all
will be standing in some arboretum.""
"
"both the ostrich and emu are big
and can chew on a low-hanging fig.
but the bird we should mourn is
the late aepyornis,
so huge he could swallow a pig.
"
"an aubade sings of lovers at morn
going separate ways (now forlorn)
after spending the night
in a glorious flight
of romance (or an orgy of porn).
"
"on a date at a beach in carmel
with a guy who'd appeared to be swell,
i was caught unprepared
for intentions he bared
when he opted for au naturel.
"
"when you whisper and coo in my ear,
you excite me erotically, dear.
although others may quarrel
with sex that is aural,
i loudly applaud it: ""hear, hear!""
"
"my cerebral affairs are chaotic;
the seizures are near episodic.
this damn epilepsy
demands a cold pepsi
to wash down my antispasmodic.
"
"al-qaeda's a group so obsessed
with defeating the infidel west
that their latest jihad,
seeking glory from god,
makes this pitch: ""intifada knows best.""
"
"my condition's increasingly worse;
analgesics don't help, and i curse
every r.n. i see
for the pain in my knee.
i am guilty of grudging a nurse.
"
"if there's one more than four, there is fiveness;
a hipster is said to have jiveness.
you'll see my intent
by the rhymes i invent:
to define and give life to aliveness.
"
"this design couldn't be any finer;
not a line has a flaw, even minor.
all my domino rows
are so straight that it shows
i'm becoming a master aligner.
"
"algebraic equations have roots,
and these numbers are frequently beauts.
every one is a peach,
but that pi's out of reach.
are we speaking of math or of fruits?
"
"the horror of auschwitz's fame
will forever bespeak of our shame
in abetting a crime
by not acting in time.
we must never forget evil's name.
"
"for my children's allowances, i'm
so incredibly cheap it's a crime.
they complain that their dad
pinches pennies so bad
that each cent is as thin as a dime.
"
"allocations of pie weren't amusing;
my kids always griped about losing.
now neither complains
since they're using their brains:
one is cutting, the other one's choosing.
"
"there's a river in france, the allier,
that to some has a certain cachet.
if you rent a canoe,
you can paddle on through
to the loire and the bay of biscay.
"
"there are foods allergenic, like chives,
that may give you a case of the hives.
some reactions, i fear,
are so awfully severe
that the victims are losing their lives.
"
"i've a query for you, if you pleathe,
about pollen afloat in the breethe:
can you tell me ith thourth?
why, the anther, of courth,
ith the anther. (no wonder i thneethe!)
"
"from the time i was only a teen,
i've been manic for matters marine.
algological skills
are now paying the bills.
both my algae and dollars are green.
"
"if it's 12-meter yachts that you race,
then new zealand's a marvelous place,
'cause down under they're up
on america's cup,
in which kiwis keep setting the pace.
"
"be it budweiser, schlitz, or black label,
they're drinking me under the table.
when speaking of brew,
my capacity's two,
so i'm willing, it's true, but not able.
"
"whenever you're feeling neurotic
or maybe a trifle psychotic,
just drive yourself deep
into self-induced sleep,
'cause it's hip to be autohypnotic.
"
"i dined with a chemist one night,
and the menu provided delight.
as a punster at heart,
he remarked of la carte,
""it's a table of aliments, right?""
"
"in russia the river aldan
takes us up to the lena and on
very far to a sea
called the laptev, where we
will see ice hither, thither, and yon.
"
"the assembly line's truly the way
to put autos together, i'd say.
this one's turning out fords
that will win no awards,
'cause it's making new edsels today.
"
"when a woman is asked to betroth,
she might fly at her flame like a moth,
or if shy and demure,
veil her face and stay pure
by availing herself of a cloth.
"
"if a number is complex, it starts
with its real and imaginary parts.
add their squares for a sum,
take its root, and, old chum,
you've the absolute value?and smarts!
"
"while marching, a band is inclined
to have music alone on the mind.
keeping others in sight
on the left and the right
helps the players stay tightly aligned.
"
"the reverend spooner would switch
the first letters in phrases he'd pitch,
turning dearest old queen
into queerest old dean.
his ass-backward locutions were rich.
"
"the gorilla delights me, it's true;
the orang and the gibbon do, too.
but of anthropoids here,
there is one i hold dear?
i go ape for the chimp at this zoo.
"
"here in north carolina i've found
a locale where the porgy abound.
it's an inlet so great
the atlantic can wait
while i'm fishing in albemarle sound.
"
"what the chemists employ, i am told,
is au for the element gold.
but ""eh, you!"" sometimes slips
from canadians' lips
when they want you to lo and behold.
"
"my relationships sometimes perplex
and confuse me in certain respects.
though i'm sweet as can be,
after sleeping with me,
many women become antisex.
"
"an arrayer of clothes always shines.
she adorns with the latest designs.
such a gal's my amour,
who looks good in couture
(even better undressed to the nines).
"
"a geology student named janet
sees rocks from all over the planet.
when aplitic stone sports
only feldspar and quartz,
she is certain to take it for granite.
"
"to the allegorizer, a story
presents all the truths and the glory
of human existence,
while keeping a distance
through symbols (a few of them gory).
"
"i'm annulling this marriage today.
it's invalid, i'm sorry to say.
after twenty-two years
of no sex, it appears
that perhaps you're a little bit gay.
"
"the descent from the plane is exciting;
there's a thrill even still in alighting.
surely nothing can top
a good parachute drop
(except possibly limerick-writing).
"
"an irascible fellow named steven,
a sucker for irkin' and peevin',
was told to enroll
in a course on control.
now he doesn't get angry, but even.
"
"if you travel down under, you'll see
how delicious a cookie can be.
for the aussies and kiwis
(both grown-ups and peewees),
the anzac's a favorite with tea.
"
"alice springs is a backwater town
in the desert where everything's brown.
it's in central australia
where rain won't assail ya,
so very few residents drown.
"
"annuities represent schemes
paying money in regular streams
that can last for your life,
or beyond, if your wife
is alive and the contract so deems.
"
"a chemist and champion slalomer
just couldn't be sadder or solemner.
as he skied down the hill,
the acrylamide twill
in his parka reverted to polymer.
"
"they toll the apocalypse bell
and fight to a grand fare-thee-well.
are christians the saved?
their path being paved?
while everyone else goes to hell?
"
"i'm amenable now to these rhymes.
i accept some i once thought were crimes.
but meter can gall me
and sometimes appall me.
it's me versus verses sometimes.
"
"he's an all-around son of a gun,
quite a versatile guy having fun.
says he's skilled in the sack,
but he's only a jack
of all lays and a master of none.
"
"you're severely allergic to cheese?
just a whiff and you're likely to wheeze.
so abstain or complain,
but you're plainly insane
when you talk about shooting the bries.
"
"born in austin, a dyed-in-the-wool
city cowboy feels abilene's pull.
sitting high in the saddle
(all hat and no cattle),
this texan is shooting the bull.
"
"avidity means you proceed
on a path of unquenchable need.
you are eager for stuff
and you can't get enough.
such voracity indicates greed.
"
"many birders are in for a thrill
when they witness the avocet's skill.
it's a shorebird that's sleek
with an up-curving beak,
which can dig while it's filling the bill.
"
"ms. amelia earhart in flight
was an aerodynamic delight.
an incredibly skilled
aviatrix, she thrilled
us on high and then vanished from sight.
"
"when excessive, the hunger for gain
or for wealth can make people insane.
avariciousness drives
some to ruin their lives
in their lust to procure and obtain.
"
"on our planes you may notice these guys?
they're the ones with the serious eyes.
with air piracy threats,
we need cops on our jets,
so the air marshals cover the skies.
"
"albacete's a region in spain
where the vintners keep track of the rain.
there are different stats
for the mountains and flats.
does the rain mainly stay in the plain?
"
"in the army they'd call him a buck?
that's a private, you know?and with luck,
a promotion will come
to first class, and this dumb
airman basic's a high muck-a-muck.
"
"the lymphadenopathy shows,
what with fever and weight loss and woes,
a complex severe ?
aids-related, i hear,
so my future's not bright, i suppose.
"
"the army has soldiers who fight.
the navy has sailors, all right.
the marine corps, i'm told,
has marines, very bold,
while the air force has airmen in flight.
"
"when we airbrush our pictures today,
we remove tiny flaws with a spray.
but in stalinist times,
if convicted of ""crimes,""
you would vanish from photos that way.
"
"a mogul with money and fame
likes to stay at the top of his game.
at his side is a stunner
(his money had won her).
arm candy's the name for the dame.
"
"all-american athletes are those
who in college demolish their foes
in a number of sports,
on the diamonds and courts,
and then pummel the fans when they're pros.
"
"adenitis means glands are inflamed
and there's swelling from causes unnamed.
when it happens to me
with my prostate, i pee
in morse code and am, frankly, ashamed.
"
"i created a new dioramic
exhibit with views panoramic
of bowel obstruction
removal by suction.
entitled it: what's adynamic?
"
"an achene is a one-seeded fruit,
indehiscent and arid, to boot.
you may spot one nearby
if you have ""achene"" eye,
are attentive, alert, and astute.
"
"these ros?s seem unfit for libation.
their bouquets scream acetification.
that's when wine has a nose
in which vinegar shows.
it's the sin, i suppose, of aeration.
"
"behind every action's a factor
that causes the act, the enactor.
the stager, engager.
you know him, i'd wager:
the mover and shaker?the actor!
"
"under stress, one reaction is flight,
while another's deciding to fight.
so expecting alarm
can induce you to arm
or get running shoes, fancy and light.
"
"just up north on the hudson you'll find
a capital, one of a kind.
the big apple is cool,
but it's albany's rule
that determines new york's state of mind.
"
"alabama's a tolerant state:
most inhabitants harbor no hate
for outsiders and blacks,
as today they relax
in communities, locking the gate.
"
"on the menu you find even rice
has its own individual price.
when the food's ? la carte,
pay attention, be smart.
the basmati's expensive but nice.
"
"for despots, well, anything goes.
they'll act as if nobody knows.
one strong absolutist
is also a nudist:
this emperor doesn't wear clothes.
"
"a house is a prime acquisition
(and a mortgage a major ambition)
that people who rent
should have every intent
to pursue till it comes to fruition.
"
"your insurance can lose all its luster
when your policy doesn't pass muster:
your house is destroyed
by hurricane floyd,
and prudential won't send an adjuster.
"
"""come affiliate down at the pub.
be a member,"" they said. (here's the rub.)
i will act nonchalant.
if it's me that they want,
i don't care to belong to this club.
"
"so how can you tell from the blue
that the earth has a field that drew
the needle around
on the compass you found?
by an aeromagnetic review!
"
"pelopia, screwed by her dad,
thyestes, got pregnant and had
aegisthus, a son,
who she opted to shun?
now it's here that the story gets bad.
"
"this king of aegina ruled well.
his decisions were clear as a bell.
so when aeacus passed,
all the gods labored fast
to appoint him as judge down in hell.
"
"there's a west central district of greece
to the north of the peloponnese.
aetolia's goats,
wine, tobacco, and oats
keep this region of hellas in peace.
"
"the air goes from nothing to thin
as a satellite's orbit moves in.
soon the atmosphere will
become thicker until
aerobraking can truly begin.
"
"the ambassador says she's at-large
(unofficial, not really in charge).
but if i, sir, were you,
i'd not bid her adieu;
i would meet with this madame defarge.
"
"i have signed in advance a directive
that will make this decision prospective:
stop the drugs, say goodbye,
pull the plug, let me die.
living wills can be very effective.
"
"for seafood, some people like bass,
while others say flounder has class.
for a tasty knish,
try aquarium fish?
all the dough serves to cover your wrasse.
"
"a substance of little renown
is found in an algae that's brown?
this acid's alginic,
colloidal.... (a cynic
would know i don't have it all down.)
"
"as you're watching an eagle on high,
as you're seeing no clouds floating by,
as you're digging the view,
what's that heavenly hue?
why, it's azure, the blue of the sky.
"
"when breezes conspire to blow,
bits of pollen from flowers may go
on to fertilize plants
that are different. that's chance
and allogamy running the show.
"
"an appraisement reveals that i'm broke.
my investment in swine is a joke.
they were rated and weighed,
got an f for a grade.
seems i've purchased a pig in a poke.
"
"if the noted museum in chartres
sets a chamber aside for some art,
then the room so assigned
may be these ways defined:
allocatable, earmarked, apart.
"
"this invention, the automobile,
is a wonderful use of the wheel.
on the chassis are four,
and a spare makes one more.
(being fifth means you're not a big deal.)
"
"the graces to greeks are aglaia,
euphrosyne, too, and thalia.
these goddesses' charm
and their beauty disarm.
they're like slices of perfect papaya.
"
"the rickets you have shouldn't be;
it's avitaminotic, you see.
you should lie on the beach
in the sunshine or reach
for a bottle of vitamin d.
"
"when tried and convicted in court
of a felony crime or a tort,
a judicial review
may be offered if you
make your case the appealable sort.
"
"what attaches my quad to the bone
is called aponeurotic and known
to be tissue that's dense,
but explains in no sense
why i'm lacking in muscular tone.
"
"i'm never upset or dismayed,
and my fears can be quickly allayed.
since i'm easily calmed
(being constantly bombed),
i'm appeasable (drunk, i'm afraid).
"
"my urologist feared the big c,
but my antigen's low as can be.
this prostate-specific
result is terrific.
(excuse me, i need to go pee.)
"
"when your blubber refuses to hide,
adiposity can't be denied.
you must cut out the fat?
it's as simple as that.
just remember this word to the wide.
"
"it's the alcyonarian's trait
to have tentacles numbering eight.
these marine creatures grow
on the coral below,
but i don't want to know how they mate.
"
"aviators are pilots who fly
all those aircraft on high in the sky.
when a plane is in sight,
their emotions take flight,
and you might see a tear in their eye.
"
"in this sin, just as deadly as pride,
you have powerful yearnings inside
to acquire and possess
lots of things to excess.
yes, your avarice can't be denied.
"
"this aluminum sulfate we use
is a substance that's paying its dues:
it's in papers we read
and clean water we need
and the leather we tan for our shoes.
"
"for a mythical creature arboreal,
plumage can seem incorporeal.
like a halo, it's said,
feathers sit on its head
and emblazon the baltimore aureole.
"
"neville chamberlain (minister, prime)
thinks placation's the way to stop crime
and lets hitler annex
what belongs to the czechs.
this appeasing brings ""peace for our time.""
"
"can the symbol au ever be
more than gold to the chemist in me?
i'll say yes and acknowledge
it's also a college:
american u. in d.c.
"
"as samuel did unto saul,
an anointer will smear you with awl.
that's what southerners say
in that down-homey way,
since their awl is our oil with a drawl.
"
"as he sat in a state of seclusion,
an anchoret suffered delusion.
this recluse's home
was a pillar in rome
'til he jumped to a fatal conclusion.
"
"we are all so excited to cheer
for the poets we've added this year.
they are all so astute
and all sober, to boot.
(it is also i'm writing of here.)
"
"with an antitechnology stance,
some oppose every modern advance.
hey, they even complain
about domino's chain
and refuse to give pizza a chance!
"
"we're enforcing, to right-wing applause,
all our antiobscenity laws.
to us bluenoses, ""smut""
means a breast and a butt
that, uncovered, just stick in our craws.
"
"the aureola's circular light
is a radiant, luminous sight.
like a halo it shines
and in paintings defines
that a figure's a bit of all right.
"
"i'm aversely affected by bile,
which is nasty, repugnant, and vile.
so i'm loath, after all,
and i haven't the gall
to eat liver, whatever the style.
"
"on a beach in the australs, a sweetie
resisted my every entreaty:
""these islands are yucky;
you wanna get lucky?
then fly me up north to tahiti.""
"
"no orthodox bishop holds sway
over all of the churches today.
autocephaly means
independent routines.
eastern patriarchs go their own way.
"
"at the airport a biker named knievel
hid hatchets and caused an upheaval.
a security flag
on his carry-on bag
intercepted the axes of evel.
"
"ayers rock is in central australia.
at kiosks the natives regale ya
with knick-knacks and art?
very trendy and smart
aboriginal paraphernalia.
"
"by gradations of color in paint
from heavy to middling to faint,
perspective is shown
with an aerial tone.
what appears to be distant just ain't.
"
"many men who were roman had three
(i mean names and those men who were free),
but a few possessed four
and agnomina bore:
honorifics that came by decree.
"
"my acquaintances call me a moocher.
the ladies all say i'm a smoocher.
i've set up this rhyme
(which is far from sublime)
to define aftertime as ""the future.""
"
"the hamstrings and quads interact,
and are paired to relax and contract.
one's the agonist, which
will respond to a twitch
its antagonist triggers, in fact.
"
"when i cruised at the whiskey-a-go-go,
each chick i approached was a no-go.
i started to flirt,
but the pens in my shirt
were absurd, as if nerd were my logo.
"
"from amidships i walked to the bow,
but i turned toward the stern, and i'm now
past amidships again,
on the afterdeck then,
nearer aft than i am to the prow.
"
"a turbojet engine's exhaust
is a gas that's potentially lost.
with injections of fuel,
afterburners are cool?
extra thrust at a very low cost.
"
"our vineyard was flooded with rain,
and the grapes had a mildewy stain.
the bits of a fungus
grew links so humongous
the aeciospores looked like a chain.
"
"a tyrrhenian girl named maria,
a bi on the island aeaea,
will go either way
(like the spelling, they say).
now she's caught ""aehrronog"" gonorrhea.
"
"said cousteau to a pal (a sardinian),
""see, biology's truly darwinian.
this anemone's fit?
other corals will split,
leaving only the polyp, actinian.""
"
"my wife said, ""that's fine; i'm resigned
to your fear of all sounds. i don't mind.""
then she tiptoed around,
but made faces and frowned.
i'm acousticophobic, not blind!
"
"you're drowsing ? been browsing our site
from near noon to the dark of the night.
now you're moved to create?
then you're authorized, mate:
keep those author eyes open and write!
"
"at the flash of a camera you find
for a moment it renders you blind.
with the visual strain,
some sensations remain.
afterimages stay in your mind.
"
"king aethelred hems and he haws
and is dubbed ""the unready"" because
he pays off the norse
(and the danish, of course)
to his countrymen's hoots and guffaws.
"
"there's a beautiful girl in the choir
whose angelic voice sets me afire.
for her i am burning.
with love i am churning.
i'll explode if she sings any higher.
"
"a lopsided lady named greer
has breasts of two sizes, i hear.
her unusual pair
means she simply can't wear
an axisymmetric brassiere.
"
"the new antibiotic ensured
that the clap i'd contracted was cured.
but they tested my blood,
found it loaded with crud.
it's the afterclap news that's endured.
"
"an annus mirabilis, dear,
is a notably wonderful year,
like the year i met you
and turned 18 (woo-hoo!)
and could finally buy my own beer.
"
"all the metals called alkaline-earth
are infrequently mined for their mirth.
tell beryllium jokes
to those west aussie folks
and you'll barium all down in perth.
"
"at amidships the admiral sat,
looked abaft where the afterdeck's at.
aftermost was the aft,
farthest back in the craft.
hey, it doesn't get after than that!
"
"we are human, and deep in our genes
is a worldview where all of the scenes
have our species on top:
we're the cream of the crop!
that's what anthropocentrism means.
"
"by dividing the hours of the day,
i'm allotting some time for my play.
i'll be eating for four,
and i'll sleep seven more,
leaving thirteen for limericks (hooray!).
"
"there's a change or two needed, my dear,
so i'm altering things around here.
no more toilet seats up,
you take care of the pup,
and you cook. do i make myself clear?
"
"they say almsgiving's good for the soul.
such benevolence makes you feel whole.
but some charities seek
way too much when they speak
of an alm and a leg as their goal.
"
"when your cells don't divide but they grow,
it's auxetic enlargement, you know.
were this process a game
with a chance for acclaim,
then my gut would be star of the show.
"
"they're in love with the accent and flair
that the english display on the air.
anglophiliacs shower
the prime minister's hour
with acclaim, wishing bush could be blair.
"
"every day i am answering mail?
by replying to letters by ""snail.""
though computers seem great,
mine remains in its crate?
and, in fact, that's my apple for sale.
"
"i'm an angel avenging the life
that succumbs to the scalpel and knife.
i'm the lawyer you need
when a surgeon's misdeed
and malpractice have taken your wife.
"
"having avidness means you're agog;
you're enthused and your life's not a slog.
you are eager and keen
to be making the scene
in that heaven where you are the hog.
"
"there's a tailor who's top of the line;
all his suit alterations are fine.
he can take in your britches
in less than ten stitches.
in time, he can save himself nine.
"
"when i'm washing my clothes on the go,
they will often be soggy, and so
with an airer, i find,
i must always pay mind,
or they'll drip on the carpet below.
"
"they're stackin' 'em up at o'hare,
seven hundred or more in the air.
every air lane is jammed,
every pilot feels damned,
every passenger's saying a prayer.
"
"when mallet on knee is capricious,
my reflex can make me suspicious.
  this kick autonomic
  to doctors seems comic;
it strikes me they're being malicious.
"
"there are holloman, vandenburg, hill,
mcguire, mccord, and macdill
that have air shows each year
where americans cheer.
all these air bases give us a thrill.
"
"first the air brakes produce little drag,
then the plane makes a zig and a zag.
when it drops from the air,
i turn green, say a prayer,
wet my pants, and then barf in a bag.
"
"they are sacs that can hold extra air?
tiny organs that fish cannot spare.
these air bladders work well,
they deflate and then swell.
it's too bad they're so hard to repair.
"
"the water and air are not fresh
in agra in uttar pradesh.
there's a taj that will awe,
but the beggars i saw
all insisted on pressing the flesh.
"
"an antagonist serves to reduce
the effects of your morphine abuse,
by being adepter
to block a receptor
its agonist's trying to goose.
"
"my accountants predicted my fate:
filing early would mean a good rate.
fortunetelling was fun,
and their augury's done.
hey, my after-tax prophets were great!
"
"the word adenectomy's grand.
it's heard when they excise a gland.
the prostate, for one,
is no fun having done,
so for guys, well, it's not in demand.
"
"the hospital's climate-controlled,
but i'm freezing and can't be consoled.
says my doc, in a hurry,
""you're algid, don't worry.""
(that's a medical term meaning cold.)
"
"for famine in cattle out west,
a weed has been put to the test.
though it's no panacea,
this alfilaria
makes cud that our cows can digest.
"
"in the blood many fighters are strewn.
for resisting disease, they're a boon.
the agranulocyte
is a cell that is white,
and it helps to keep people immune.
"
"epinephrine and oxygen make
adrenochrome?something, i take,
is a bunch of quinones
that in pink-colored tones
might induce you to jump in a lake.
"
"aggression's a mode of expression
that quickly becomes an obsession.
belligerent jerks
find that violence works,
if we flinch or ignore their trangression.
"
"there's a peppery t. rex souffl?
at the upper jurassic caf?,
but of avian things,
archaeopteryx wings
are the spiciest, far and away.
"
"there's a man in a mask with a gun
on a horse that is white and can run.
there's an indian scout,
""hi-yo, silver!"" (a shout):
then they ride away into the sun.
"
"there's a system for keeping control
of an airspace; it's playing a role
in defense of our jets
by its warnings of threats.
it's called awacs, our ace in the hole.
"
"anti-semites include those with views
that would mark them as bigots, but use
an expression to hide
what they're feeling inside,
saying, ""some of my best friends are jews.""
"
"the thermometer never will show
that it's absolute zero, you know.
at this point of complete
disappearance of heat,
we would lose all our get-up-and-go.
"
"a near-sighted prude went to florence,
saw david, and stated, ""this warrants
a much closer look,""
which, by leaning, she took,
then recoiled in disgust and abhorrence.
"
"""please forgive me, my father, i've sinned,""
said the penitent schoolboy (who grinned).
""here i seek absolution
for spreading pollution;
in church i've been breaking some wind.""
"
"there once was a girl from nantasket
who soaked up the sun in a casket.
a weaver of wicker,
she lay with the vicar
and left him abask in a basket.
"
"if you write and would like to inspect a
collection of verses, select a
pastiche so divine
that the limericks shine:
go online to our fine analecta.
"
"to the harbor the ships have been steamin',
and tonight all the sailors are streamin'
ashore to the whores
who have gathered in scores
to receive in their beds able seamen.
"
"abduction's a serious crime,
and a perp can expect to do time:
many years, god forbid,
if he's kidnapped a kid?
maybe none if the victim's a mime.
"
"i'm stuck on an overnight flight;
i can't smoke and i'm getting uptight.
there's a cig in my hand,
and i've planned, when we land,
to be first to alight for a light.
"
"if you wean him at one, you promote
independence, psychologists note.
if you don't make the break,
ablactation may take
till your son is eighteen and can vote.
"
"to theists, a practical menace is
the theory of abiogenesis.
if life is spontaneous,
god is extraneous,
kinda like wimbledon tennis is.
"
"in a little-known biblical fable,
a brother becomes so unstable
he murders his sibling
for sneaking and nibbling
on cane every chance he is abel.
"
"there are heroes and villains in lit
who battle with honor and grit.
these figures are known
for dramatic agon,
unlike characters doing their bit.
"
"we can aggregate numbers and see
if the sums of two columns agree.
those green eyeshades are nice,
but you'd better think twice,
for in life one and one can make three.
"
"between rehab and aa, this schism
in treating my alcoholism
is fixable, see?
it's cold turkey for me!
(i abhor vegetarianism.)
"
"when our nation is troubled and racked,
how can some apolitically act?
given government's deeds
and our citizens' needs,
for not voting they oughta be smacked.
"
"i'm an antitraditional guy
who no longer lets customs apply.
on my dates nowadays
it's the woman who pays.
there's no sex?and i'm wondering why.
"
"if a monarch who's accident-prone
takes a tumble while riding alone,
and he dies, with no heir,
then the monarchy's where?
in abeyance: no king on the throne.
"
"we associate august with heat;
at the beach we buy ice cream to eat.
but to kiwis, you know,
that's a month that brings snow
(as in flurries) and ice (as in sleet).
"
"""red rover, red rover,"" they say.
""won't you please come on over and play!""
but their arms are abducting,
upraised, and obstructing
the path i have chosen today.
"
"there's a crystalline product of pee
that has medical uses, i see.
for allantoin, look
in a chemical book
at c4h6n4o3.
"
"a fertility doctor named sherm
got a madison avenue firm
to promote and attract
what it was that he lacked?
so he advertised, asking for sperm.
"
"apartmental refers to a flat,
like the place where i'm hanging my hat.
it's my bachelor pad,
and the rent isn't bad,
since my mother is helping with that.
"
"as you ache for your love over yonder,
i'll give you a proverb to ponder:
""apartness is bad
and can drive a man mad.""
let's forget about hearts growing fonder.
"
"in preparing a sacred anointment,
the priest met with huge disappointment.
what vexed father boyle
was a bug in the oil?
the proverbial fly in the ointment.
"
"the idea of a soul overawes,
despite science and physical laws.
animistic belief
is a human motif,
and it sticks in some atheists' craws.
"
"annie oakleys are tickets to shows
that are freebies, no skin off our nose.
we like gamblers so much
that we comp 'em and such.
at casinos, well, anything goes.
"
"at an anthropological site,
there is evidence maori came right
from tahiti by ship
to new zealand, a trip
that today's just a six-hour flight.
"
"the destruction of order and laws
is their earnest and passionate cause.
since they're loutish and loud,
the anarchical crowd
only generates scorn and guffaws.
"
"using red and green images, we
can create anaglyphic 3-d.
there are glasses you wear
giving depth (and some flair)
to those movies whose grade is a b.
"
"my beagle was shocked and dismayed
when i looked into having her spayed.
so she's altered her ways,
now says ""no!"" to the strays,
and has ended the pups on parade.
"
"when a story's allusively writ,
it refers to all manner of lit;
and the author might shop
in both classics and pop
to exhibit his learning and wit.
"
"an encomium now for aceric,
a word more outdated than lyric:
goodbye to this staple
descriptor for maple!
(thus endeth my brief panegyric.)
"
"the casket was small and a vision
of beauty, but drew some derision
since dad had been trimmed,
whittled down, and de-limbed.
he was shrunk to a trunk by abscission.
"
"a skeptic and cop, i accustom
myself to watch folks and not trust 'em.
i'm chary and wary,
so perps who have nary
a care are surprised when i bust 'em.
"
"she was used to receiving acclaim
and accustomed to fortune and fame.
now this hollywood star
makes her home in a car.
even worse, we've forgotten her name.
"
"i admit i don't know very much
about alkmaar, a city that's dutch.
a few cheeses are sold
at the market, i'm told?
mainly gouda and edam and such.
"
"i was recently taking a gander
at cattle they call afrikander.
they have horns and a hump;
but get ready to jump.
they will charge if they get up their dander.
"
"the auger's a boring device
that makes holes very deep and precise.
if, in winter, you wish
for a thrill when you fish,
you can chill as you drill into ice!
"
"there's an anthropomorphist who claims
that his dog is familiar with names,
has emotions and dreams
like a human, it seems,
and can beat him at video games.
"
"this aldosteronism's a pain.
my potassium level's insane.
my muscles are weak an'
my blood pressure's peakin'.
(just wanted this chance to complain.)
"
"there's a prot-, a few deuter-'s, and ant-'s
in a grand metaphorical dance.
there's a stage, there are lights;
there are agonists' fights;
there is drama, and even romance.
"
"after supper, i crashed in the hammock,
and plates became aerodynamic.
my wife threw the dishes
(her aim's really vicious!);
our household is now aceramic.
"
"i was filling my jeep up one day
at a mobil and smoking away
when the flick of an ash
brought a spark and a flash,
then a renegade's auto-da-f?.
"
"the lambrusco seemed vinegar-laced,
amaroidal and acrid in taste.
but i finished the flask,
and then emptied the cask,
because wine is a bad thing to waste.
"
"the assignment you gave us to write?
the one on the wright brothers' flight?
yes, i wrote it, miss flynn,
and i'd turn it right in,
but the dog ate my homework last night.
"
"it's the third time tonight i've awoken;
the air is so acrid i'm chokin'.
there's a smolderin' kool
on the blanket, you fool!
we're in bed and you gotta stop smokin'.
"
"you deny that you offered an actual
requital if damage proved factual.
well, the latter is true,
and your offer is, too?
as a matter of fact, it's contractual.
"
"i'm acerbic (say people who know me),
but only with bastards who owe me.
my temper and mood
can be caustic and rude
when a dude who won't pay tries to snow me.
"
"when a shearer produces a fleece,
it comes off (if he's good) in one piece.
on the edge is the abb,
where the wool isn't fab.
if you choose it, your price will decrease.
"
"acerbity comes from the heart...
(gee, i'm off to a terrible start.)
no, it comes from the spleen,
where it's vent...no, i mean
from the bile, and it's acid and tart.
"
"the emperor akbar had smarts
and was famed as a patron of arts.
though a muslim by birth,
he knew hindus had worth,
and he unified india's parts.
"
"when pyroxene is blackened or green
with a silicate luminous sheen,
its augitic display
makes it worthy, i'd say,
of a spot in my crystal vitrine.
"
"they oppose every modern advance
with their antitechnology stance.
today's luddites will fight
any breakthrough in sight
and refuse to give science a chance.
"
"at sotheby's they signal like birds
as the bids are increasing by thirds.
there is much to divine
from a gesture or sign,
because auctions speak louder than words.
"
"the anticolonial crowd
was a force both effective and proud.
western powers withdrew
(back to europe they flew),
leaving natives, though bloodied, unbowed.
"
"in antonymy, words don't agree.
they have opposite meanings, you see.
up and down, day and night,
east and west, left and right.
and in french there's the pair, non and oui.
"
"there once was a maiden from bangor
whose dad had a problem with anger.
if she came in too late
at the end of a date,
he'd get really irate and harangue her.
"
"use an anthropological site
to exhibit a practice or rite.
make a hunter's tableau
with an arrow and bow;
add a cannibal taking a bite.
"
"if i may, i will take you all down
into amherst, a bay stater town,
where a recluse of note
(a miss dickinson) wrote
lovely verses that brought her renown.
"
"my new vaudeville routine never glowed,
and the take at the box office slowed.
so i'm shutting it down,
getting out of this town.
yep, i'm taking my act on the road.
"
"allowing as how this is verse,
i'm composing a vow that is terse.
so permit me to say,
""i am yours for today
and for always, for better or worse.""
"
"being fat means you have adiposity,
and it raises this odd curiosity:
these know-it-all nerds
have me eating my words.
were they food, i would be a monstrosity.
"
"with the country of mexico close,
some americans know uno-dos
is the same as one-two.
and i've heard this is true:
that a few know goodbye's adios.
"
"an adenoviral catarrh
makes mucus so thick it's bizarre.
there's a clog in your nose
and the snot barely flows.
you can blow it, but not very far.
"
"the penguin's a wonderful thing,
be it emperor, gentoo, or king.
and the smallish ad?lie,
the one who moves gaily,
deserves all the praises we sing.
"
"with its adeno- prefix, it may
be a bad carcinoma, they say.
my gland has a tumor.
malignant? a doomer?
i think i'll quit early today.
"
"when a leaf has a point at its tip,
it's acuminate. now you are hip
to its latinate root,
and you'll notice, to boot,
with acumen you're sharp as a whip.
"
"allow copper its pros and its cons,
but its use as a tool corresponds
to a period mythic:
the aeneolithic,
which led to the age we call bronze.
"
"there are antibiotics galore,
but it's hard to know what they are for.
i tried actinomycin
to clear up my lice 'n'
no dice, but i no longer snore!
"
"it's a mineral grayish and green
with a crystalline structure and sheen.
add some methylene blue
to its silica hue
and actinolite's aquamarine.
"
"to the north is the town of trieste;
balkans east and there's italy west.
though the proud adriatic
has charms, the aquatic
expanse to the south is the best.
"
"my tourette's is a burden, like mother's.
i'm dysphasic and deaf like my brothers.
but even more drastic,
my achondroplastic
deficiencies dwarf all the others.
"
"political access is bought,
despite what reformers all thought
when they passed a few laws
to the voters' applause.
seems the fat cats just never get caught.
"
"a creature is fed by a showman
with pasta to keep it from roamin'.
in tibet now the yeti,
made fat from spaghetti,
is called the abdominal snowman.
"
"there once was an argentine doll
who had danced in brazil and nepal.
a material girl,
she would samba and twirl
for a rupee, rial, or austral.
"
"is the lateral sclerosis i've got
really amyotrophic? it's not!
since my doc says he sees
no lou gehrig's disease,
i'm unloading that burial plot.
"
"let the absolute value reveal
a number's affirmative zeal.
make the minus a plus
(no more negative fuss)
and uncover a positive real.
"
"if you go to the doctor, my lad,
with a rash that's inflamed and hurts bad,
he might possibly say
that it's angry, okay?
that does not mean it's wrathful or mad.
"
"i'm an alphabetizer and hoarder,
a pack rat and letter recorder.
all my stuff (not debris)
is arranged a to z.
i refuse to have things out of order.
"
"a president deemed to be acting
still needs to be tough and exacting.
a leader of seamsters
or boss of the teamsters
keeps truckin' as well as transacting.
"
"the kiwi and tui (not moa)
enjoy eating tasty feijoa.
the birds here are grand
in new zealand, this land
that the maori call aotearoa.
"
"there's a muscle that's known as the ab
in my stomach beneath all the flab.
there's no six-pack to see,
but two keggers or three.
(when the beer flows, i pick up the tab.)
"
"acrophobia's having the dread,
the irrational fear in your head,
that if left on the top
of a building, you'll drop
off the side and not stop 'til you're dead.
"
"a man had a penchant for strife,
an affection for bugging his wife,
'til her sweet disposition,
from years of perdition,
turned sour, and she plunged in the knife.
"
"my doc, at a loss for all speech,
was disgusted and let out a screech.
he was thoroughly shocked
that my sinus was blocked.
seems my antrum was home to a leech!
"
"a gypsy assumes the name bootsie
when tipsy on wine from abruzzi.
she becomes a ""celeb,""
a society deb.
her vino persona is cutesy.
"
"an abatement's an ebbing or waning,
a way to allay by restraining?
an easing of force
that i view with remorse,
but delights the poor bastard i'm caning.
"
"in the islands they call marianas
are pineapples, birds, and iguanas.
there might be a palm
in agana on guam,
but i'm sure there are no benihanas.
"
"a doctoral student's elation
is ruined by work and frustration.
in college we see
the effete abd,
who can't finish his damn dissertation.
"
"if you're off to go skiing in maine
from milwaukee, wisconsin, by plane,
aeronautics suggests
you head east, because west's
how you go if you ski coeur d'alene.
"
"i'm attempting to slumber in bed,
but am tossing and turning instead.
here i should be asleep,
but i'm bug-eyed and keep
counting verses, not sheep, in my head.
"
"so you won't be considered obtuse,
allow me to now introduce
a new word for today:
if you're looking to say
something's deep and opaque, try abstruse.
"
"in tehran there's a popular comic
who jokes about matters islamic.
the name of his show,
ayatollah you so,
marks a sea change approaching tsunamic.
"
"i've been told there's a bornean meat
that some natives consider a treat.
anthropophagy nuts
(no one else) have the guts
to ensure that they are what they eat.
"
"all these holes in the shoes i've been wearin'
developed while you were out sharin'
those tablets from god.
well, i'm no longer shod,
and my toeses, dear moses, i'm aaron.
"
"does your antiobesity mean
you prefer only folks who are lean?
do you worship the thin
and think fatness is sin?
i'm your girl, six-foot-two, 113.
"
"there's a liquid suspended in air
in the mist you apply to your hair.
with this aerosol spray,
your new tacky toupee
looks well-groomed (but we all know it's there).
"
"i've an arrogance born of pretension,
aloofness, and cool condescension.
i'm taking for granted
my never-recanted
assumption is worthy of mention.
"
"when you take over somebody's debts,
you would hope that he never forgets
the assumption you made,
so you might be repaid
for the favor and won't have regrets.
"
"when you posit a fact to be true,
like a statement (a postulate, too),
then you make an assumption.
it's also the gumption
to take on a job that is new.
"
"when you've got your adrenaline pumpin',
that hormone, man, really is sumpin'.
your blood pressure rises;
you're full of surprises;
you're thumpin' 'n' jumpin' 'n' humpin'.
"
"in the antiabortionist's heart,
a fetus is life from the start.
it's a human with rights
(from the lord by all lights),
an amazing, divine work of art.
"
"though his words may be dreary or cheery,
he's keen to respond to your query.
the answerer ties
his replies to your whys
and your whats (or at least that's the theory).
"
"when i scissor a stranger's cigar,
even friends say i'm going too far.
i'm a certified wacko
who's antitobacco.
don't you dare light a butt in my car!
"
"with my antitank gun, i beset
and destroy every panzer?and yet
my reward is a snack
and a slap on the back.
hey, is that all the tanks that i get?
"
"i'm the guy disobeying the clerk;
i run lights when i'm driving to work.
law and order, you see,
are for others, not me.
i'm an antiauthority jerk.
"
"the antidevelopment crowd
have both business and government cowed.
they're buffoons who are loath
to accept any growth?
even wal-mart, for crying out loud!
"
"i'm retired from a government job,
out of shape, and a bit of a slob.
for aerobics i write
twenty limericks a night,
'til my cardiac muscle's athrob.
"
"since my wife's antispending, i stew.
she's so tight i own nothing that's new.
i wear suits that i got
before disco was hot,
and my yugo? a '72!
"
"is it proper for gays to be wed?
it is fitting if sam marries fred?
these are questions, i guess,
of appropriateness,
where less heat and more light should be shed.
"
"a nebbish who's tense and neurotic,
a stalker who's clearly psychotic,
a jerk who makes messes,
a guy who wears dresses:
for gals, they're all antierotic.
"
"be careful what road you are on
when you travel to azerbaijan.
if you drive to baku,
go from russia or you
might get stuck in the muck of iran.
"
"in a battle with forces demonic,
a deacon who leads is sardonic:
""i'm a mormon, a priest,
just the least of the least,
and they're counting on me? how aaronic!""
"
"the acting direction was rage,
but i bawled through each line on the page.
my thespian muse
had me singing the blues,
which continues?without any wage.
"
"there were pilots and heroes back then?
think of grissom and yeager and glenn.
the air medals they wore
were our accolades for
flying higher than earthly bound men.
"
"add an alkyl or two to amass
higher octane in fuel, and you'll pass
every car on the street.
alkylation is neat!
it increases the oomph in your gas.
"
"in a compound's organic schematic,
the open-chain form's aliphatic.
there's always a ring
alicyclic can bring,
but that double-bond thing's aromatic.
"
"many immigrants here in the states
are illegal, unsure of their fates.
granting amnesty means
that the alienage screens
are removed, and we open the gates.
"
"for a trip to morocco from spain,
you can leave algeciras by plane.
but it's also a port,
and the boat ride is short.
i once ferried across in the rain.
"
"michael jackson attended a roast
and was ragged on and razzed by the host:
""you seem haggard and drawn;
all your color is gone.
you're so ashen you're white as a ghost.""
"
"it's your thing to be up and about;
there is nothing that fills you with doubt.
you refuse to relax
and you play to the max
when you're charging and going all out.
"
"an alloantigen ups and provokes
a response in a few of the blokes
of a species or group,
so it's part of a troop
that provides different folks different strokes.
"
"'twas america's infamous crime
when nicole was cut down in her prime.
as for o.j., he's free.
had an alibi, see?
he was practicing golf at the time.
"
"the rowdies disturbing the peace,
those adept in the art of the fleece,
the offenders, the thugs,
and the slime pushing drugs:
these are folks who are antipolice.
"
"in embroidery circles, i've found,
there are laces quite skimpily wound,
but the allover's one
that will cover when done
almost all of the surface around.
"
"many wars we remember were vast.
there were armies and soldiers who massed
into trenches and fought.
but now airpower's taught
that the trench is a thing of the past.
"
"they were serving us food on the flight,
and before i could swallow a bite,
the plane hit a bitch
of an air pocket, which
made my knuckles turn whiter than white.
"
"since my muscles were achy and tight,
i paid a masseuse for the night.
to aid with the rubs,
she brought a few subs.
many hands can make work pretty light.
"
"in the life of some fish there are stages
that happen at various ages.
when the alevin's hatched,
this salmon's attached
to the yolk sac, but then disengages.
"
"a marsupial tries to extort
twenty bucks to pay joey support.
he's convicted when tried,
but it's all set aside
on appeal in a kangaroo court.
"
"apparentness causes confusion.
reality's masked by illusion.
the jump from this wall
is apparently small,
but you'll leap to a nasty contusion.
"
"a bio of ali pasa,
a turk of renown and ?clat:
at the peak of his power,
he came to devour
both greece and the balkans. tah-dah!
"
"""cholesterol's lowered in rats""
is an alanine attribute that's
to be found on the net
for this acid, and yet
it will help to metabolize fats.
"
"the censor will airbrush and stipple
a pic so it won't cause a ripple,
since areolate rings
are such terrible things.
what a fright is the sight of a nipple!
"
"aligarh is in uttar pradesh.
it's a city where water's not fresh.
better watch what you drink;
eating's worse, i would think?
don't be having a cow or its flesh.
"
"to the west of the region lorraine
is a river in france called the aisne.
it flows to the north,
hits the oise and goes forth
'til it merges at last with the seine.
"
"ablutions are buildings that do,
when you're bathing with soap and shampoo.
there are toilets, or pots,
for those cases of trots
where you skip, like the brits, to the loo.
"
"i'm infected with aspergillosis,
which leads to this silly prognosis:
it won't kill me, i'm told,
but the chicken had mold
that may give me a fowl halitosis.
"
"there's a city in mass. with a name
that has brought it unwanted acclaim.
you would hear people say,
""i'm in athol today,""
if it didn't draw snickers and shame.
"
"this crystalline enzyme is neat;
the muscles and blood are its beat.
when your aldolase works,
any fructose that lurks
becomes triose, all lightness and sweet.
"
"an air dam sits under the grille
on the front of a car, where it will
help you handle the curves?
avoid skidding and swerves.
it's a plate that makes driving a thrill.
"
"if ever you're feeling the urge,
in remorse, to confess and absterge
all those things in your life
that you did to your wife,
it's too late?that's her funeral dirge!
"
"having lost all your fingers and toes,
you can't stand very well, and it shows.
your adactylous paws
are now tactile-less claws.
even worse, there's no picking your nose.
"
"a steakhouse called porter and son
has been merged with the bookstore i run.
we make money like crooks
with our stake in rare books.
the amalgamator's job was well done.
"
"they're as cocky as tinhorns, my friend,
with an arrogance meant to offend.
they're son-of-a-bitches?
too big for their britches.
let's hope they're exposed in the end.
"
"ask ""how much?"" and the salesman is floored;
at versace's, such gaffes are deplored.
here's a little advice:
if you must ask the price,
then it's something you cannot afford.
"
"alagoas, a state in brazil,
is a place where the gals love the thrill
of the sambas they dance,
while the guys find romance
in the ""beautiful game"" and its skill.
"
"a carpenter famous in paris is
saddened by work that embarrasses:
his gildings, or ""goldings,""
on ceilings and moldings
have peeled at the edges and arrises.
"
"when a show-off says, ""nitrogen's found
in this compound where atoms are bound.
there's a ring made of five;
and i'm hip to the jive!""
then you know there's an azole around.
"
"the ayrshires are milkers, i've read,
hardy cattle the scottish have bred.
they're at ease in the stall,
with good udders . . . that's all
i recall off the top of my head.
"
"a few highlanders hadn't a care
as they trekked down the clyde to the fair,
where they ambled around
in a town on the sound,
and declared, ""now we're walking on ayr!""
"
"the world is a meaningless place.
it's irrational, weird on its face.
so we wait for godot
and we quarrel . . . and lo!
that's absurdism making its case.
"
"i'm retired and i'm slowly revising
my life, but there's one thing i'm prizing:
alarm clocks are gone;
i can sleep past the dawn.
even noon is too soon for arising.
"
"if you're looking for leather, a lamb'll
be good, not to mention a camel,
a goat, or a deer,
while this antelope here
has no peer among lizard or mammal.
"
"albigensians firmly denied
jesus christ ever lived, ever died.
he was heavenly, pure,
not a human, for sure?
a divine and ethereal guide.
"
"to learn about cars, here's a tactic:
just study alone 'til you're practic-
'ly expert and know
about chrysler, peugeot,
and renault. then you're autodidactic!
"
"in allentown business is slow,
and the blue-collar workers all know
that when factories close,
pennsylvania's for schmoes,
so the savvy ones pack up and go.
"
"a chopper was vexing my sis,
'cause its rotor was making a hiss.
all the whirring she heard
made her flip it the bird
and exclaim, ""autorotate on this!""
"
"an ally's a friend or a pal,
while the alai's a mountain locale.
in these kyrgyzstan peaks
live kirgiz and muzhiks,
and it's tough for a guy or a gal.
"
"they once had a capital city
with greenery, charming and pretty.
kazakhstan's culturati
still crow for almaty,
but show astana only pity.
"
"something actual happens right now?
it occurs and exists, i avow.
since this word's been defined,
i've an actual mind
to get up and start taking a bow.
"
"i got drunk at o'leary's, and then
told my wife i was studying zen.
this excuse was sublime;
as for alibis, i'm
up to twenty-one hundred and ten.
"
"tossing paint at a canvas is hard.
(the elite call this feat avant-garde.)
i enjoyed modern art,
thought it trendy and smart,
at least in third grade, where i starred.
"
"said mccoy to the rest of his kin,
""see, them hatfields jes' ain't gonna win.
now our wimmen, awright,
got no dog in this fight,
but us fellas, we's fer or agin.""
"
"aeolia wasn't a nation,
but rather an organization
of towns in a league
that inspired intrigue
in an ancient aegean location.
"
"agglutinogens present in blood
can inhibit a hemorrhage flood
by assisting a clot,
so believe it or not,
they react like a stick-in-the-mud.
"
"many federal programs we see
offer people in need something free,
like school lunches and wic,
ssi ? take your pick.
for the children, there's afdc.
"
"in heraldic escutcheons i've sourced,
there are creatures presented addorsed.
on a shield or a plaque,
they're displayed back-to-back,
be they anteloped, beavered, or horsed.
"
"because algin's colloidal, it's quick
to make liquids with alginate thick.
a brown algae, of course,
in the sea is its source.
drink it straight and you're gonna get sick.
"
"this muscle relaxant's designed
with bronchial asthma in mind.
your inhaler directs
adrenergic effects,
and will help you to breathe and unwind.
"
"with adenyl cyclase, a muscle
can catalyze acid and hustle.
it's an enzyme you need
if you're moving with speed
or you happen to get in a tussle.
"
"i hear aural relates to the ear,
while its homophone, oral, it's clear,
is related to speech.
so this may be a reach,
but we almost have antonyms here.
"
"those who thwarted imperial schemes
harbored anticolonialist dreams.
for their country they fought
against powers who sought
to establish oppressive regimes.
"
"if you're thinking of seizing the throne,
it's too risky to go it alone.
with accroachment, indeed,
it's an army you'll need?
maybe two if the king has his own.
"
"there's a village they call alamein
where a battle brought horror and pain.
but i ask, why the hell
are we using ""the el
alamein""? ""the the the"" hurts my brain.
"
"i've assented to learning to play
the trombone and agreed for today
(even though it's absurd)
to use notes from a word.
i've acceded to seven, i'd say.
"
"in saskatchewan, canada, you'll
find a village whose name is the fuel
for why outsiders say
we're contrarian, eh?
here in adanac, backward's the rule.
"
"ambidextrously, letters combine
in a skillful display and design.
there are words that we meet
where no letters repeat.
there's a long one above in a line.
"
"antinganting's a wonderful word
with repetitive syllables heard.
when you're wearing this charm,
filipinos say harm
is avoided, rebuffed, and deterred.
"
"first you gather your pals and approach,
but be wary before you accroach,
'cause it's hard holding sway
when the homeowners spray.
(these are rules from the realm of the roach.)
"
"my adenoids frequently swell,
and my breathing is going to hell.
there's a lump in my throat
that's as big as a goat.
better take out the tonsils as well.
"
"the american trotter's a source
of delight when apace on the course.
a standardbred hulk, he
is pulling a sulky?
the cart that's in back of this horse.
"
"adana's a city in turkey,
historic, intriguing, and quirky.
it sits with ?lan
on the river seyhan,
where the water's polluted and murky.
"
"when my dad threw me over his knee,
he was angered?as mad as can be.
seems the thing that i'd done
was so bad he said, ""son,
this is gonna hurt you more than me.""
"
"i've been archiving limericks today
and collecting the best, i would say.
they are all on the net
(on some site i forget)
and define words beginning with a.
"
"they're avulsing my right leg at dawn,
so the gangrene i have will be gone.
and i'm taking it well
because, hey, what the hell?
it'll beat getting quartered and drawn.
"
"apologetics: defending the line
and the doctrine that christ is divine.
one religion is best,
so forget all the rest:
christianity rules by design.
"
"statisticians are fond of a line
showing numbers mislead by design:
touching fire and ice,
you think everything's nice,
since, on average, your temperature's fine.
"
"my dog liked to bolt in the street
when he chased after bitches in heat.
'twas a biter, this mutt;
had him gelded. guess what?
with his new alter ego, he's sweet!
"
"accelerometer: something to heed,
as from zero to ninety you speed
through the sign that says stop
(getting nabbed by the cop),
and to court and then prison proceed.
"
"beer and domino's pizza for lunch!
my exercise program? i munch.
i am so much the glutton,
i busted a gut in
a single abdominal crunch.
"
"all physicians in greece found appealing
aesculapian treatment, or healing.
the son of apollo
was easy to follow:
just nod as you're touching and feeling.
"
"in kansas the powers that be
have their eyes on the skies by decree:
""to the stars may we blaze
in the hardest of ways:
ad astra per aspera. whee!""
"
"there's a verb that's related to acyl.
it's a chemical term that is facile.
so that when you begin
putting radicals in,
you might acylate, causing a hassle.
"
"it's the national summer romance;
it's the pastime that lures and enchants.
here comes baseball again,
and, well, there go our men.
you might think that we'd asked them to dance.
"
"i'm not asking for blood from a stone?
just a grand and i'll stand on my own.
when i pay the jack back
from my wins at the track,
you'll be glad that you left me a loan.
"
"consider a negative 3.
how useful in math can it be?
in addition it will
make a 3 become nil.
it's an additive inverse, you see.
"
"abortions are slowed, if not stopped,
if more of us opt to adopt,
or if women decide
that their tubes should be tied,
or men their vas deferens chopped.
"
"what is aerobiosis? it's where
there is life in the presence of air.
those are microbes, indeed,
and it's o2 they need.
in a vacuum, they haven't a prayer.
"
"on the japanese island awaji,
the people seem sober and stodgy.
they hosted the brits
for the cup and had fits
'cause these players of soccer are dodgy.
"
"an amaroid's bitter in taste;
an extractive of vegetable waste.
when this word's turned around,
diorama is found.
that's a scene in which figures are placed.
"
"acceleration: how cool it will be!
(so you think when you're learning to ski.)
gather speed from the top,
almost vertically drop,
'til you come to a stop . . . at a tree.
"
"there are stars in the sky that align
so a man pouring water will shine
near the capricorn goat.
as astrologers note,
this describes the aquarius sign.
"
"an abutment's where items abut,
like that joint with the joists you just cut.
but it's also where thrust
in a bridge that is trussed
is received at the end of a strut.
"
"acculturation's adapting anew
to traditions and customs that you
might find funny at first?
or what's really the worst,
that you used to consider taboo.
"
"i log on in the morning at five;
my activity page comes alive.
all the posts make me stay
working hard through the day.
at this rate i just pray i survive.
"
"silly winnie (with tigger and me)
knocked two honeycombs out of a tree.
when aculeate pests
then defended their nests,
pooh was stung by the powers-that-bee.
"
"not an officer sailing at sea,
but a nymphalid, fluttering free.
so this admiral wings,
doing butterfly things.
lepidopteran insect is he.
"
"now i stand here in grand affirmation
of the principles founding this nation.
i'm claiming forthwith
that i'm taking the fifth.
that's the end of this whole declaration.
"
"""ho, watson! the game is afoot!""
shouted holmes as he noticed the soot.
then he walked 'cross the floor
from the hearth through the door
to a tree where the toys had been put.
"
"the afferent nerves are designed
so that signals are sent to the mind
(or the brain, if you will)
to disclose that the grill
you are tending has burned your behind.
"
"this barony's barren and sere,
and the baron's been boozing a year,
so his baroness cries,
with her sneaking surmise
that her barrenness drove him to beer.
"
"alloplastically mankind is molded,
by external environs enfolded,
as happens to cells.
(you might notice five l's
in the word in line one that is bolded.)
"
"an aition serves to relate
how religious observances rate
(what their origins show).
i've no aitia, though,
why liturgical rites are ornate.
"
"a man, an arkansan from hope,
went from humble beginnings to lope
round the white house at night
seeking women who might
be disposed to a squeeze or a grope.
"
"meeting minimum standards, it's said,
won't ensure you'll be getting ahead.
on the job or in schools,
having adequate tools
means you'll stay near the bottom instead.
"
"what a pitiful fool you must be
to presume you're the better of me!
my delusions of grandeur
outrank in command your
delusions of adequacy.
"
"he is present in body, but still
appears absent in mind up until
the attorneys appear,
when he pricks up an ear
just to hear what it says in the will.
"
"i'm the prez and, to no one's surprise,
i'm inclined to deceive and disguise.
my political mask
is in place: if you ask
me no questions, i'll tell you no lies.
"
"come to alton, a place you'll enjoy
near st. louis, in south illinois.
it's a typical burb,
neither bad nor superb,
if you're raising a girl or a boy.
"
"he's been working that orchard, they say,
forty years?never sick, by the way?
always up to the task.
what's his secret, you ask?
the proverbial apple a day.
"
"at the indy 500 in may
and daytona, down florida way,
there are motorcar races
at autodromes?places
where fans can go deaf in a day.
"
"the tissue i got from a donor
is said to be only a loaner.
an allograft means,
with dissimilar genes,
i may not be its permanent owner.
"
"got a room at an inn near o'hare.
hundred bucks for the night, pretty fair.
being deaf, i don't mind,
but at airtels you'll find
there's continuous noise, so beware.
"
"in the army a unit with flair
will accomplish its missions by air.
it's a cavalry troop
(without horses or poop)
that comes quickly and loaded for bear.
"
"in debates you can strive for effect?
use hyperbole, say, but expect
that a judge who is trained
to deduct for a strained,
agonistic display might object.
"
"the athletes who battled in greece
during times of good fortune and peace
would compete in events
agonistic?quite tense
for the guys who were slow or obese.
"
"there's a body of air that surrounds
mother earth, and it simply astounds.
aeronomic research
needs a high-minded perch
to discover our atmosphere's bounds.
"
"an acoustoelectric design
is what scientists use to refine
how our voices will sound
when a message is bound
on its trip though the telephone line.
"
"when an acetohexamide pill
is prescribed for you folks who are ill
with a mild diabetes,
don't stop eating wheaties,
but no sugar on top, if you will.
"
"abscisins are hormones in plants
that inhibit, promote, and enhance
many factors in growth
or declension?or both.
they will leave very little to chance.
"
"his control of the set, as it were,
seems extreme to this film connoisseur.
he calls ""action!"" and sniffs
that the actors are stiffs.
this auteur has a certain hauteur.
"
"when decoders we use are addressable,
it means they're directly accessible
to a system command
in that binary hand
in which thoughts, to machines, are expressible.
"
"when an ant is defensive, he fights.
if another ant threatens, he bites.
this behavior we deem
agonistic?a scheme
to protect territorial rights.
"
"ambipolar diffusion, they say,
means electrons will scatter and stray,
while the positive ions
(and maybe their scions)
are moving the opposite way.
"
"with particles flying away,
a nucleus gives a display
of forces detractive
and radioactive:
a process called alpha decay.
"
"arrange all the tongues in bombay
from the highest to lowest cachet.
like that infamous caste
(the untouchables), last
is the basilect, linguists will say.
"
"i'm praying my glasses weren't tossed,
so the fingers on both hands are crossed.
seems at sixty i've found
that what once stayed around
is amissible?easily lost.
"
"in the ozarks they struck in the night?
vigilantes who wanted things right.
when the civil war ended,
the bald knobbers tended
to blame northern scum for their plight.
"
"as a freshman in '60 at brown,
i developed a certain renown
for my sixty all-nighters,
those sleepless delighters
that left me in classes facedown.
"
"absentaneous matters refer
to unseeable things that occur
in a place where we're not?
that unusual spot
that is often forgot, as it were.
"
"an anovulant substance suppresses
ovulation and helps remove stresses
from women who dare
to have sex, but don't care
to be wearing maternity dresses.
"
"the rate of the interest you pay
on a loan by the month or the day
can mislead and confuse.
the percentage you use
should be annual, mortgagors say.
"
"these angry young men felt the strain
of the lower-class brits and their pain.
rather bitter and famous
were osbourne and amis,
and wesker and wilson and wain.
"
"in a land where two languages thrive,
like america, people may strive
to learn both?and that works,
but some anglophone jerks
say they'd rather be buried alive.
"
"he's the backer you need to enchant
for the money?a loan or a grant.
when you're staging a play,
get an angel, they say.
there's the devil to pay if you can't.
"
"air batteries often put zinc
under pressurized air, where (i think)
it gets oxidized, so
that a current can flow
and my watch doesn't go on the blink.
"
"at communion in church there's a prayer
that the celebrants say to prepare
for receiving the host.
anamnesis for most
means recalling his pain and his care.
"
"a computer that's analog works
by electric potential that lurks
in its inner recesses,
where voltage expresses
the numbers employed by our clerks.
"
"in this world of deceit and disguise,
authenticity's something to prize.
""keep it real"" is a phrase
i use often these days.
(try this lovely toupee on for size.)
"
"allotransplants don't often succeed,
since dissimilar genes can impede
the acceptance by, say,
a donee from bombay
of a kidney that comes from a swede.
"
"never married, a racketeer stood
as a wonderful catch for a good
and upstanding young gal,
but he fell for his pal?
yet another nice bachelor hood.
"
"androstenedione gives you an edge
over athletes so timid they hedge.
take this hormone and you'll
be a star for your school
(or so many a fool will allege).
"
"there are anticrop weapons we know
that could deal us a terrible blow.
by destroying the source
of our food, they (of course)
make it hard for our waistlines to grow.
"
"the nuclear era began
one calamitous day in japan,
when an a-bomb was dropped
and hiroshima stopped.
it could mean the destruction of man.
"
"the robe that he's wearing is white,
and he's bathed in an aura of light.
on his back are two things?
they're a couple of wings.
that's an angel i've painted, all right.
"
"there are communists plotting a way
to contaminate water, i say!
fluoridation is bad,
so i'm anti and mad.
forget molars! it's moral decay!
"
"i'm leery of power too great,
like that which resides in the state.
i'm glad to see more
of antiauthor-
itarianism of late.
"
"antibaryons, physicists claim,
are like baryons only in name.
they're not hard to define?
just think opposite sign
in the nuclear-particle game.
"
"for this pollen i'm getting a shot,
since my nose has been running a lot.
my antiallergic
and sleeve are synergic?
they both help to dry up the snot.
"
"human consciousness has an effect
on the world all around, both direct
and oblique, it is clear,
through the anthroposphere,
where our minds and environs connect.
"
"to actuate means ""put in motion,""
like starting this verse (i've a notion)
and pushing it on
'til it's weary and wan
and is happy to drown in the ocean.
"
"he's a chippendale, rugged and young,
who, i hear, has a versatile tongue.
he makes passions emerge,
this barbarian scourge.
i'm in lust for attila the hung.
"
"if you can't find a purpose in life,
and you yearn for the noose or the knife,
your unrest is anomic
and seriocomic:
you're living in scotland in fife.
"
"when a phoneme has variant types,
like the /t/ that's in tie and in stripes,
there are sounds allophonic?
same for /r/ in ironic,
compared to the /r/ that's in cripes.
"
"there's an anglican priest in oswego?
my buddy, my pal, my amigo.
he lets me confide
in his opposite side:
it's his altar-supplied alter ego.
"
"when they're additive, numbers combine
into sums: two and seven make nine.
minus ten plus a one
adds a little more fun,
as the nine takes the negative sign.
"
"st. augustine's writings, no doubt,
had africanisms throughout.
the donatist schism
(through proselytism)
was solved by this bishop devout.
"
"all the city folks find us disturbin'.
we're rubes that they deem antiurban.
we live on the farm
with its pastoral charm,
and prefer, not manhattans, but bourbon.
"
"their passion is problems that we
might avoid, to a certain degree.
see those programming geeks
with recursive techniques
algorithmically climbing a tree.
"
"the medicare changes are near;
no more gouging of seniors, i hear.
but be wary when feds
tout ""affordable"" meds
and the hmo lobbyists cheer.
"
"the agouti's a rodent who feeds
in the forest on berries and seeds.
he is preyed on by cats
and by eagles, and that's
all the info that anyone needs.
"
"when a river is dammed by a nation,
irrigation becomes arrogation;
and the water that flowed
is usurped and bestowed
just on them, leaving us in frustration.
"
"in our prayers we beseech thy release,
ask our savior for mercy and peace.
a liturgical plea,
agnus dei takes me
to the lamb so my sinning will cease.
"
"the acid they call hydrochloric
is gone from my gut; i'm dysphoric.
achlorhydria means
poor digestion for beans.
i still poot, and i'm still sophomoric.
"
"i'm an astrogeology jock,
and i study all bodies of rock,
such as pluto and mars
and their moons (not the stars)?
even vulcan, the birthplace of spock.
"
"for this bullfinch, the azores are home.
he's a songbird unlikely to roam.
to the birder's despair,
he may soon be as rare
as a baldheaded man with a comb.
"
"antiradical folks will impede
those extremists who take as their creed
that they're willing to break
any promise and take
any measure they can to succeed.
"
"i've a fancy design on my desk
with a pattern they call arabesque.
it has foliage, flowers,
some fruit-laden bowers . . .
let's face it, it's truly grotesque.
"
"when our singular values are stressed
and we say that america's blessed,
we use wholesome clich?s,
like that apple-pie phrase
in which mom will appear as a guest.
"
"for some writers, those drippy displays
of emotion draw readers' bouquets.
finding pathos too weak,
they use bathos and seek
then to bathe us in cloying clich?s.
"
"the bible says women should bow
to the will of their husbands, and vow
to submit and obey?
thus evangelists say
who have seen the apocalypse: n.o.w.!
"
"avalement's a technique with your knees,
which you flex as you travel on skis.
it allows you to go?
keeping contact with snow?
over bumps with the greatest of ease.
"
"a sad sack gets elephantiasis,
acariasis, and amebiasis.
on his scrotum are mites
causing itching from bites.
even worse, he's a site for psoriasis.
"
"i'm keeping a basket around
full of yarn i can wind, which i've found
makes my mind sharp and clear.
when i lose it? oh, dear!
i'm a basket case, wholly unwound.
"
"there's b-ball all over the 'hood.
hey, we'd play every day if we could!
in our hoop-de-doo dreams,
we lead nba teams
and we dominate shaq, we're so good.
"
"if you dig crocodilians, you might
(at an archeological site)
find an archosaur bone
from a reptile that's known
as a pterosaur, noted for flight.
"
"the astrodynamicist knows
how a body in outer space slows
under gravity's force.
it's mechanics, of course,
but applied to those heavenly shows.
"
"there's an antibiotic in store
for those growths and fibromas galore.
azaserine's its name,
shrink-a-tumor's its game:
c5h7n3o4.
"
"a very large number's a million,
and bigger than that is a billion.
for hugeness they're neat,
but they simply can't beat
the gigantic, colossal bazillion.
"
"listen up, everybody. ahem!
here's an odd alphabetical gem:
fickleheaded's a word
(and the longest, i've heard)
having letters from a up to m.
"
"many bugs love to bore through a tree,
while some hop and alight, like the flea.
but those parasites, lice,
offer simple advice:
neither lander nor burrower be.
"
"the puzzles they call alphametic
are often inane and pathetic.
but there's one in which send more
(encrypted) can lend more
to money. it's almost poetic!
"
"let us study the heroes we meet
in the comic-book archives, and greet
all their enemies, too!
it's the archrivals who
make the archival reading a treat.
"
"my weight has experienced gains,
and the girdle no longer constrains
my abdominous thrust,
so i'll have to adjust
my bay window?and add a few panes.
"
"an agent, part moxie, part purr,
was sent by her bosses to spur
us to dabble in crime.
now we're serving our time.
this provocateur's put us in stir.
"
"arithmomania's starting to mount;
it's my morbid compulsion to count.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . .
i'm in need of a fix,
and of numbers i'm truly a fount.
"
"he's the ballsiest fellow i know,
with cojones as big as they grow.
though he's down on his luck,
he's the model of pluck
at the elephantiasis show.
"
"abietic's a word that applies
to a genus of trees that we prize
from a temperate clime
bearing cones in their prime.
with their height, they're a sight fir soar eyes.
"
"from a seaside resort go the sails
out to cardigan bay and its gales.
aberystwyth's a town
getting fame and renown
from the national library of wales.
"
"your typical bay staters speak
with an accent that's odd and unique?
from hahvud's famed yahd
to a cape they call cahd.
(to this texan it's practically greek.)
"
"many slalomers love to be free
as they zoom down the slopes with esprit.
while they zigzag and dodge,
i relax in the lodge.
'cause, you see, i prefer apr?s-ski.
"
"an avoidant, detached schizophrenic,
withdrawn and a tad neurasthenic,
imagines she's eve
on a garden qui vive
in a world she perceives as edenic.
"
"antismog is the way you would be
if you lived in l.a. here with me.
with pollution this bad,
i remain in my pad
and go out only one day in three.
"
"my wife goes antiquing all day,
and all night i'm critiquing the way
that she's blowing our dough
buying relics that go
(to my pique) in the attic to stay.
"
"there are antinoise statutes and laws
that have silenced the chain-driven saws.
now the neighborhood's quiet;
we've ended the riot,
to modest and muffled applause.
"
"antinuclear people demand
we remove all the nukes from our land.
both the weapons and plants
are attacked in these rants,
but i doubt there's a chance they'll be banned.
"
"antilymphocyte serums suppress
the response by a body when stress
(after tissue is grafted)
means t cells are drafted
that threaten a transplant's success.
"
"if you're looking for noble and nice,
many fictional heroes suffice.
if it's cynics you seek,
with a violent streak,
antiheroes are sure to entice.
"
"to anticoagulate means
to inhibit those clotting machines?
the thrombins in blood
that can clog it like crud
and are driven by diet and genes.
"
"there's a phrase all our astronauts know
that's been used since the '60s to show
that the countdown can start
for a launch to depart:
the command center's ""all systems go!""
"
"the affirmative side in debates
is the one that avouches and states
propositions are true?
while the negatives boo
and make faces to humor their mates.
"
"when the number of rowers hit two
in the shell, we recruited anew.
added three, four, and five
(they were slow to arrive),
'til accruing the eighth made a crew.
"
"all those extracurricular things
are activities, each of which brings
more excitement to life?
for example, my wife
gets a kick out of casual flings.
"
"a number's unchanged (by design)
when that number and zero combine
in an additive way,
because zero's blas??
an identity truly benign.
"
"i've consumed twenty gallons of tea,
so i'm bloated, that's easy to see.
but my underfilled bladder
is no laughing matter:
anuria means i can't pee.
"
"we expanded the center field stands
to accommodate thousands of fans.
but in baseball this year,
there's a scandal, i hear,
and those steroids may ruin our plans.
"
"there are cigarette fumes round my head.
i can't breathe, and my eyeballs are red.
this acridity bites;
it keeps spoiling my nights.
i just gotta quit smokin' in bed!
"
"""in search of an ivy league grad:
must be tall, never wed, not a dad.
doesn't smoke. likes to dance.
wants a life of romance.""
so it reads in a classified ad.
"
"when events have no regular timing,
and randomness seems to be climbing,
that's aperiodicity's
strong eccentricities?
like bells with unpunctual chiming.
"
"auto products these days are diverse?
for a limo, a coupe, or a hearse.
there are parts for repair
or enhancement and care.
aftermarkets are good for your purse.
"
"the yankees are, a fortiori,
a team of tradition and glory.
""we were winners with class
'til the sox whipped our ass.
it was gory,"" said manager torre.
"
"when travails and contention are rife,
and existence means conflict and strife,
you may hope to repair
to an afterlife where
you are finally rid of your wife.
"
"this nicotine habit's no joke
and may soon be the reason i croak.
i won't get any older;
instead i'll just smolder
abed while asleep and asmoke.
"
"be attentive and always inspect
every pet for the signs of neglect.
there can be no excuse
for ignoring abuse,
so you vets: stay alert and arrect.
"
"a mollusk has left on my thumb
a secretion that's purple or plum.
an adrectal exam
of the bum of this clam
finds a gland where the fluid is from.
"
"we are off on a peripatetic
excursion through words alphabetic
in order to shape
a new limerickscape?
a delightful poetic aesthetic.
"
"there are tales that we tell with delight
about things that go bump in the night.
it's through terror and fear
that our children appear
to be learning of wrong and affright.
"
"there once was a robber named wallace,
a terror in times that were lawless.
quite awesome he was
till they caught him, because
after that he was pawless and aweless.
"
"what is autoplasticity? man
and his psyche internally scan
what's external and deal
with the world that is real.
(i've defined it as well as i can.)
"
"abdominoscopy: looking inside
of a scrooge, where his viscera hide.
the intestine is seen,
and the liver, and spleen?
but his heart? it has shriveled and died.
"
"the adventurer hazards it all,
puts his bucks on the line and stands tall.
he assumes any risk,
and his actions are brisk.
he may win by a whisker, or fall.
"
"abolitionary fervor arose
in the north among folks who were foes
of the owners of slaves?
those fanatical knaves
in the south causing africans' woes.
"
"there's a group that i'm proud i'm among:
the employers of palate and tongue?
we're big eaters! i'm glad
that i'm one of the bad,
because only the good diet young.
"
"alcaptonuria: urine is dark,
which is likely to prompt a remark
from your pal, as you pee
in the park on a tree,
""it's the color of hickory bark!""
"
"ankle-biters, the smallest of tots,
are inexpert at fastening knots.
but untying our laces
from low-level places?
these rug rats have aptitude?lots!
"
"for each molecule, aldose is blessed
with one aldehyde group as a guest.
it's a sugar, the same
carbohydrate whose fame . . .
i forgot on the chemistry test.
"
"nigeria's capital city
was chosen, they say, by committee.
it's known as abuja?
not really so huge, a
community tranquil and pretty.
"
"my inquisitive golden retriever
killed a beaver and now has a fever.
so i'm giving the bitch
acetanilid, which
is a fevered retriever reliever.
"
"the people in admin are great!
my requests to their desk never wait.
they're as fast as can be?
my name's colin, you see,
and i run the department of state.
"
"in centesis, the needle they use
for the stomach's so long, some refuse
to be stuck in the gut.
an abdominal cut
and a snooze is the option they choose.
"
"most moments of brilliance don't last;
our successes come quick and go fast.
but the afterglow stays
for a number of days,
till it fades in the haze of the past.
"
"for a batter in baseball to score,
it's far better to build a rapport
with the groupies and take
every pitch that they make,
so you're able to get to ball four.
"
"when a man has forgotten to zip,
then a woman might nod as a tip.
it's polite when you use
simple civilized cues.
try ""ahem!"" if she's showing her slip.
"
"archchroniclers: these are the guys
keeping track of events that arise.
but that word is a hoot
whose six consonants?cute
and consecutive?capture your eyes.
"
"archenemy: someone adverse?
on the list of your foes, no one's worse.
but a change in the y
makes colonics go high:
how i curse the archenema nurse!
"
"a crafter of limericks with punch
wrote a hundred, and all before lunch.
he was fast as can be
and prolific, you see?
penned a dozen or so during brunch.
"
"a professor's assessment was key,
as it made an assessee of me.
that's a word that contains
double letters. it reigns!
double-s, double-s, double-e.
"
"it's a trinket, a trifle, a bell,
or a game with a ball to propel.
it's some music that's light
or a piece that you write,
like this limerick?a mere bagatelle.
"
"autobiographical wails
are tell-alls for pumping up sales:
you're pushing your story?
the glamour, the glory;
they're looking for gory details.
"
"add adreno to cortico, then
the word steroid expands it again.
now the compound you get
has a function, i bet,
known to medical women and men.
"
"shelley looks to the sky as a boy,
taking flight (in his mind) to employ
his ethereal sense.
as a man, he's intense,
""dreaming visions of aerial joy.""
"
"the basking shark, sadly, is seen
as a creature who's scary and mean,
but his license to kill
extends only to krill.
he's a plankton-consuming machine.
"
"it's a suffix where action's conveyed,
as is seen in a word like blockade.
it makes lemon a drink
(pretty handy, i think).
when you need it, it comes to your -ade.
"
"for my taste buds, all vinegars tickle;
i use them as condiment trickle.
acetimetry's test
should determine the best,
and if not, i'll be stuck in a pickle.
"
"we go from the house to the car
to the store, yet we never get far
from the air we condition,
having made it our mission
to chill like the ice at a bar.
"
"i'm amazed at how crazy they drive
on washington's 495.
i'm a trucker and i'm
gonna stop on a dime.
thanks to air brakes, i'm staying alive.
"
"all the cocktails remind me of swill,
since the bartender's lacking in skill,
and the flavorful ale
that i favor is stale
at the neighborhood sports bar and grill.
"
"on the lexicographical stage,
definitions become all the rage,
so you'll find the oedilf full
of poetry skillful
by folks paid the minimum wage.
"
"aborticides?where do i start?
just their mention drives people apart,
as pro-lifers entreat us:
""by killing a fetus,
you're stopping the beat of a heart.""
"
"as the season extends and the light
of the day becomes shorter, you might
see a plant lose its color,
with leaves a bit duller,
while one that's albescent turns white.
"
"if prince hamlet, recounting his woes,
both ""to be"" and then ""not to be"" chose,
his soliloquy would
be an instance (quite good)
of antilogy: views that oppose.
"
"'round the base path the hitter can run.
when he's tagged all four bases, he's done.
if he first runs to third,
it's ""you're out!"" that is heard,
and his trip to the shower's begun.
"
"as a corner, i watch the qb?
check his eyes, in the hope i can see
if he's planning to throw.
there's an aerial?whoa!
i just let the receiver get free.
"
"dialectics are used to arrange
the hegelian process of change
into stages?just three.
in the middle, we see
the antithesis?contrary, strange.
"
"an assembler turns letter-based code
into bits that computers can load.
more than that i can't say,
'cause i'm barely okay
with my microwave's ""time defrost"" mode.
"
"try an 800 number?the way
to make telephone calls and not pay.
since i'm lonely, not shy,
and no charges apply,
why, i'm dialing long distance all day!
"
"when paul ehrlich was looking for kicks,
he decided to use 606
as arsphenamine's name.
that's a compound whose fame
comes from being a syphilis fix.
"
"agonizingly slow is the drip
of the faucet; it's making me flip.
i'm conceding defeat
to the torturous beat.
(i'm a plumber who's losing his grip.)
"
"your vision's as good as i've seen?
telescopic almost, it's so keen.
20/20? no way!
20/10, i would say.
your acuity's rare and pristine.
"
"apocynthion speaks of the spot
where we orbit the moon and we're caught
just as far as can be
from its center and see
that it's made of green limburger?not!
"
"get the sandpaper, work on the face
of the bracket, and turn it in place.
rub the back; smooth that, too.
do a second, and you
have a brace, then, of braces abrase.
"
"he's an hombre who's given to prattle
of broncos and varmints that rattle?
of hosses and feuds
on those ranches for dudes:
he's a man who's all hat and no cattle.
"
"a goddess, half-woman, half-cat,
made a mat out of bast for her flat.
she chose fiber from wood
that was better than good.
'twas the best bast bast bought for her mat.
"
"to communicate, alfa's the word
representing an a; and it's heard
on a radio set
where the static can get
so intense that your speech can be blurred.
"
"this abattoir's grisly, a dive.
no animals ever survive.
hey, you vonnegut sick?
do the butchery shtick?
take a tour of the slaughterhouse-five.
"
"i was urged to enroll in aa,
so i'm here at this meeting today.
though it's only my first,
it's been quenching my thirst
for support, if not rum or tokay.
"
"it's a rank for a person who's male,
at an abbey where brothers brew ale.
all the monks who have sinned
are three sheets to the wind,
but this abbotship's not under sail.
"
"all the aerodynamicists toil
on the airfoil to minimize roil,
and at parties they brag
how they're masters of drag,
making most of the women recoil.
"
"auf wiedersehen, joseph! goodbye!
no more college of cardinals. (sigh.)
you're a graduate now;
don't be having a cow
when your first papal bull doesn't fly.
"
"the judicial award that i fought
for was modest, or that's what i thought,
but the court wasn't swayed.
the adjudgment it made
came up short of the money i'd sought.
"
"my libido was strong and licentious,
and my appetite unconscientious,
but those sexual surges
and gluttonous urges
are gone. call me mr. abstentious.
"
"after schmoozing and boozing in june,
i'll be singing the temperance tune.
in july you will see
how abstentious i'll be?
when i no longer drink before noon.
"
"anthropogeography tries
to explain how man's movement complies
with political forces
and nature's resources
by offering wherefores and whys.
"
"the airliner fills me with awe;
nothing's changed since the first one i saw.
down the runway it roars,
leaves the ground, and then soars,
thus inducing a drop in my jaw.
"
"augusta's a capital place
where the humblest of mainers embrace
the potato and lobster,
and even the snobs stir
'em up in a fine bouillabaisse.
"
"in a mountaintop crevice it sat,
this chinchilla-like rodent, or rat.
'twas an abrocome, which
found an andean niche,
and that's all that i'll say about that.
"
"here's a line from you men that has tensed me
and every so often incensed me:
""if i told you you're hot
and that body you've got
is divine, would you hold it against me?""
"
"the crabgrass is starting to creep
and the alfilaria is deep,
causing terrible woe
to my garden, and so
i've decided to weed 'em and reap.
"
"my buddy, who's devil-may-care,
has decided to wrestle a bear.
it's a bare-handed fight,
so let's pause, if we might,
and extend him our paws and a prayer.
"
"this machine helps to polish your club;
take it slow or you're down to the nub.
an abrader is fast?
used the right way, a blast?
but there's also a wrong way to rub.
"
"at antietam, a maryland creek,
raged a battle both bloody and bleak
between lee and mcclellan,
becoming a hell in
which thousands would die in a week.
"
"appomattox, for some, was a pause
in a war that continues and gnaws
at those southerners who
spurn the red, white and blue
for a flag they can stick in our craws.
"
"an arsenious compound can kill,
but arsenious brings me a thrill.
it's a word that endears,
as each vowel appears
in a neat alphabetical drill.
"
"all my angsts are beginning to show
and i'm worried i'm headed for woe.
you see, angsts is a word
(and the shortest, i've heard)
with five consonants right in a row.
"
"i don't ambulate often. how come?
i've a problem that some view as dumb:
trying two things at once
makes me feel like a dunce.
when i walk, i can't even chew gum!
"
"what a barium swallow is not:
a bird (though i've heard that a lot).
it's a drink that you take,
making masses opaque
to an x-ray?to learn what you've got.
"
"i decided my kids shouldn't feel
that their gender is such a big deal.
there were dolls for my son.
(antisexism's fun!)
now he dresses in silks and chenille.
"
"the maid of orleans loses clashes
with clerics. a flambeau then flashes,
igniting a fire.
it's her funeral pyre,
and a saint goes from ashes to ashes.
"
"an arc that's electric does well
when it heats up the gas to propel
an engine that's known
as an arcjet and shown
to be fast as a bat out of hell.
"
"a silly aversion (absurd!)
is irrational fear of a word.
logophobia strikes
our adults and our tykes.
there are people, i've heard, who hate turd.
"
"a fiber that's toxic to man;
a substance we're starting to ban;
a mineral mined.
and now i've defined
asbestos as best as i can.
"
"they're arraigning an angel in heaven
who's charged with purloining the leaven.
(this arraigning has airs
with its five letter-pairs?
scintillescent is said to have seven.)
"
"he's conversant with fuselage dings,
inclinometers, fan-jets, and wings.
he's an aeromechanic
(not given to panic)?
a plainspoken fixer of things.
"
"alassio sits on the sea,
an italian resort that to me
is the place for romance
and an evening of dance,
even topping the isle of capri.
"
"offer words for the soul that's asleep.
make them adulatory and deep.
sing its praises on high.
hear the congregants cry.
thus for eulogies, read 'em and weep.
"
"adding sauce gives the chicken a zing,
but is mushroom or pepper the thing
that's improving the taste
of the cream-enhanced paste
that is gracing our coq ? la king?
"
"aluminosilicate's swell.
it's a compound a chemist might sell.
but to typesetting fretters,
its alternate letters
are vowel-and-consonant hell.
"
"there's a baker in texas, a saudi,
a maker of apple pandowdy.
but he gave up his trade
to sell cars (german-made).
now this saudi says ""howdy!"" for audi.
"
"there is certainly bark in an arbor.
and you might spot a bark in a harbor.
but you need a coiffeur
who's a bit of a cur
to contend there's a bark in a barber.
"
"a queue's where we line for the game.
a cue's used in billiards to aim.
a q's after p
(both are letters, you see),
while accuse is ""to charge or to blame.""
"
"antiviolence: a pacifist's dream.
it's a world in which people esteem
the forgiving of slights
and where nobody fights,
except maybe a rollerball team.
"
"agrigento's a town on the coast,
where sicilians live simply and boast
of their ruins and beaches
and succulent peaches.
agostina's the one i like most.
"
"it's a town with a sweltering feel,
called kalemie (and once albertville).
in the congo on lake
tanganyika, you'll bake
as you fish with your rod and your reel.
"
"the right to abort, to my dread,
is at risk from appointments ahead.
will the court and supremes
move to right-wing extremes?
one pro-lifer and roe v. wade's dead.
"
"aberdeenshire's a county where scots
like to fish and raise cattle and tots.
to the south is dundee,
on the east the north sea.
(and that's all that this limerick allots.)
"
"abdominothoracic applies
to the bodily region that lies
from the chest (and the heart)
to the stomach?the part
on my torso that's greatest in size.
"
"when a phrase or a sentence you use
has two meanings, it's sure to confuse.
amphibologies vex
and leave listeners wrecks.
let's avoid them?we've nothing to lose.
"
"autoclavable instruments must
be resistant to warping and rust.
stainless steel is the best
and has passed every test,
but those new plastic knives are a bust.
"
"abetalipoproteinemia:
a disorder of blood (not leukemia).
malabsorption of fats,
muscle weakness, and that's
just a start. there's a link to uremia.
"
"in my audio-lingual exam,
i recited from omar khayyam.
i am fortunate, still,
for this arabic drill:
jug of wine, loaf of bread, lots of jam.
"
"perspective has patent appeal?
it can help make a painting look real.
in the angular kind,
width and depth are defined
by two points, a projection, and zeal.
"
"to cut or excise, you ablate
excess tissue and often lose weight.
but a scalpel can slip,
slice a muscle, and nip
all the abs i've been toning of late.
"
"the magnanimous people who come
by my grate see a man, not a bum.
they'll drop coins as they pass;
their donations amass
and amount to a pretty big sum.
"
"there's a term known as ag that is short
for the word agricultural?sort
of a way to lend charm
to the work on a farm.
it's the aggies of whom we make sport.
"
"it's a drug many sluggers abuse?
known as andro (for short) in the news.
androstenedione's bad!
barry bonds used a scad;
now he's sluggish and singing the blues.
"
"when you're adding two numbers and find
that the order in which they're aligned
doesn't alter the sum,
then the group that they're from
is abelian, aptly designed.
"
"a diminutive worker named orff,
a loader of ships at the wharf,
suffers achondroplasia.
through antonomasia,
he's nicknamed shortshoreman the dwarf.
"
"typing leptothricosis demands
that you alternate using your hands.
right to left, have a ball?
fourteen letters in all.
it's impressive to trivia fans.
"
"bovine bessie is nibbling a leaf,
but the time she's content may be brief.
if she doesn't find fame
and make noted her name,
she'll end up on the table as beef.
"
"a respectful karnataka guy
will address every woman with bai,
but in uttar pradesh,
hindi fellas are fresh
and undress every bai with the eye.
"
"near kaikoura the plankton advect
to a bay where cetaceans collect
and consume through the day
in an awesome display
that the kiwis enjoy and protect.
"
"at the battle of austerlitz, troops
under bonaparte cheered him with whoops.
back in paris, who knew
that the russians withdrew?
(this was long before cnn scoops.)
"
"the ottoman abdulaziz
rose to power with relative ease.
as a sultan his cause
was to codify laws,
which he did with judicial decrees.
"
"alteratives are drugs that restore
you to wellness or health, and what's more,
there's this dynamite herb
(i've been reading a blurb)
that ensures you'll grow hair and won't snore!
"
"feminazi's a term many use
to express antifeminist views.
these neanderthal jerks
with their simpering smirks
are like chimps i see scratching in zoos.
"
"in bed he'd become a distraction,
with demands that might land him in traction.
since i hid his cialis
(more mercy than malice),
he's back to all talk and no action.
"
"here's aeaea, the island of dawn,
where odysseus brandished his brawn
in a battle with circe.
removing her curse, he
turned swine back to men and was gone.
"
"the guests are astir and abroach
in the lobby, engaged in reproach
of the shocked personnel
at this fancy hotel,
where each pillow's adorned with a roach.
"
"there's a guy on a cell phone who's yappin';
this idiot's gums keep on flappin'.
he's drivin', as well,
like a bat out of hell.
he's an accident waitin' to happen.
"
"in the capital city algiers,
many westerners live with their fears.
in algeria now,
some islamists know how
to keep terror alive, it appears.
"
"a laotian was buying a yacht,
and a bargain was just what he got.
'twas a billion he paid
(no, not dollars), which made
it a steal cuz the price was in at.
"
"a curmudgeon has angioplasty,
and finds his angina has passed. he
is free of the strain
of the cardiac pain
and the pills, but he's still a bit nasty.
"
"the ablepharous adder relies,
when he hunts, on his quickness and size,
but it surely can't hurt
that he's always alert,
since he doesn't have lids on his eyes.
"
"with my pack-a-day habit, i'm frail.
lots of coughin' and wheezin'?i ail.
let's face it, i'm croakin';
no time to stop smokin'.
my coffin's in need of a nail.
"
"from a town on the strait of hormuz
known as bandar 'abbas, you can cruise
from iran to oman
with a stop in dhahran.
(these are places with very few jews.)
"
"a soldier of fortune will risk
life and limb, and past peril he'll whisk.
the adventurer dares
with his devil-may-cares?
so do i, when i order the bisque.
"
"abs is a system, they say,
that is saving our lives every day.
i can stop on a dime
with my brakes, so that i'm
here to cheer, ""antilocking? hooray!""
"
"an arrestant, upon its release,
will make insects desist and surcease
giving thanks to the lord
for the room and the board
that a plant was providing in peace.
"
"an ablactated kid isn't stressed
when he's gently deprived of the breast
that he's come to conclude
is the source of his food.
yes, a gradual weaning is best.
"
"abbreviatures help us to learn.
they're abridgments?the books that we turn
to when finals are near
and we've partied all year,
skipping classes with little concern.
"
"since it's clear to both tigger and pooh
that the drubbings and thrashings aren't through,
they refrain from hobnobbin'
with christopher robin,
a boy once too good to beat roo.
"
"in bilbao some inhabitants shun
learning spanish and live by the gun.
they're resolved in their bid
to be free of madrid,
so their culture can basque in the sun.
"
"stallone can no longer deny
that for years his career has been dry.
some directors have said
he loves staying in bed
very late, so his sleeping dogs sly.
"
"in a lab under scientists' gaze
sits a rat who's not eaten for days.
he's bewildered and lost
and will pay quite a cost
if he doesn't start wending his maze.
"
"at a palace one sultry july
near paree, a jeune fille caught my eye.
she bewitched me that day
and i fell right away
en amour. it was love at versailles.
"
"a barfly?belligerent, barmy?
was threatening bodily harm. he
was told by a chap,
""i'd be shutting your trap,""
and retorted with, ""you and what army?""
"
"let's face it, this word is a bear
to define in a limerick where
only anapests work.
it's a job i won't shirk:
aggiornamento's updating. so there!
"
"if you're looking for leisure and peace,
try the cyclades, dodecanese,
santorini, or rhodes,
even lesbos; there's loads
of these islands aegean near greece.
"
"some israelis are seen in this port
on vacation, relaxing; in short,
in the sad middle east
there is peace here, at least,
in aqaba, jordan's resort.
"
"my urine is cloudy and white;
it's albuminuria, right?
i seem fit as you please,
but this kidney disease
has me up at all hours of the night.
"
"when the quarterback uses an audible,
his motive is patently laudable.
the fans rate the play,
and they say it's okay
by their clapping, which makes it applaudable.
"
"an aegyptopithecus sits
in a tree eating peaches with pits.
with his 32 teeth,
he leaves nothing beneath?
not a piece of a stone in his...spits.
"
"in a band on a stage is a loon
who is blowing his blasted bassoon?
uninhibited, cute,
but so tin-eared he'll toot
with abandon, forsaking the tune.
"
"since driving while drunk takes a toll,
abc plays a meaningful role.
all our packies refuse
to sell teenagers booze.
here's to alcohol beverage control!
"
"the science of astrodynamics
requires less work than ceramics.
we just study the sky,
watching objects go by,
with our bodies at rest in our hammocks.
"
"the algeripithecus, dears,
was a primate who played many years
in the past in a tree,
and apparently he
was the earliest ape in algiers.
"
"amantadine helps you get through
a contagion that breaks out anew.
many viruses might
make facsimiles, right?
well, sick families are made by the flu.
"
"alexandrite is named for a czar.
it's a gem with an odd repertoire:
first it's green, then it's red;
changing colors, it's said,
like the signals you see from your car.
"
"in the syracuse-utica region,
air quality problems are legion.
there's an airshed that sits
trapping particles?bits
of pollutants to irk the oswegian.
"
"here's a fossil?the aegyptopithecus.
though this primate (pre-paleolithic) is
quite clearly extinct,
once he puckered and winked
at his pals before planting a mythic kiss.
"
"my therapist sigmund is flip,
likes to back-talk and shoot from the hip;
but his impudent tongue
leaves me angry and stung.
i'm repelled by a freudian's lip.
"
"say goodbye to the beef and br?l?e!
i'm beginning my diet today.
though i stand on this scale,
i'm not reading its tale,
'cause i aim to be wasting a weigh.
"
"most election reformers believe
contributions are bad. (how na?ve!)
but my bible instructs
what to do with my bucks:
says it's better to give, then receive.
"
"ferlinghetti thinks notice is neat,
and for ginsberg, acclaim is a treat.
but jack kerouac's fame
brings abashment and shame:
he's becoming, well, read as a beat.
"
"we've been eager to party and drink,
but the tap on the keg's on the blink.
so it's soda, not beer?
nothing's happening here.
kinda sadder budweiser, i think.
"
"at a cook-off in delhi i hurry
to flatter the judges, but worry.
i'm bending the rules
with these vindaloo fools.
will i win here by favoring curry?
"
"matt's parents pay fees to a finder
for a nanny who's put through the grinder.
she quits with a wave
when the kid won't behave.
it's a case here of matt over minder.
"
"my wife is exceedingly thin,
just a skeleton covered by skin.
i'm as fat as a pig,
many sizes too big,
so for weight, i'm the yang to her yin.
"
"you're a man who is way oversexed;
now you're eyeing that guy. (i'm perplexed.)
since our wedding i've found
your surprises abound.
will i learn you're bisexual next?
"
"for this dragon, the weekends are free
(like his days) of all prayer, so you see,
all the havoc he'll wreak
in besetting the meek
is by preying on weak knights like me.
"
"arraarra's the interesting name
of an indian tribe whose acclaim
has escaped me, and yet,
it's a word that, i bet,
is the longest of two-letter fame.
"
"in a mill in beijing, on occasion,
a worker will get an abrasion.
if one falls in a press,
he'll be crabby, i guess,
'cause he'll then have become a crushed asian.
"
"there's an arkansas big shot we know
by the moniker bubba?a pro.
he'd avoided all wrecks
(in semantics and sex)
till his downfall, which came as a blow.
"
"i'm in love with my wonderful bride
who likes basketball, cars that collide,
and my plasma tv.
androcentric is she,
well in touch with her masculine side.
"
"as i fill out the form at the doc's,
i'm admitting to measles and pox,
but that first anamnesis
won't note my prosthesis
unless there's a hole in my socks.
"
"1040s are forms we submit
every year, and they give us a fit,
'cause the taxes we send
to the irs end
in a bottomless government pit.
"
"the horsefly, mosquito, and mite
are creatures in need of a bite.
they are minuscule thugs?
anautogenous bugs
needing blood to lay eggs. what a blight!
"
"an electroencephalograph
is employed by the medical staff.
alpha waves in your brain
are recorded (sans pain),
and your hairdo will give you a laugh.
"
"monophosphate, i mean amp,
is a mouthful for dummies like me.
with adenosine in it,
it takes me a minute
to say. (definition takes three.)
"
"for you hunters with moxie and pluck
moving up to the deer from the duck,
try a thirty-ought-six:
it's a rifle that kicks
and will give you more bang for the buck.
"
"abrogation's a way to delete
all the tax laws with loopholes that treat
corporations to breaks.
their abolishment makes
it more fair for the man in the street.
"
"when we wander or stray, we prefer
to abandon a path, as it were.
we aberr from a course
that is straight, like a horse
that has under its saddle a burr.
"
"the artmobile rolls down the road
with its frenchy impressionist load.
it has works by manet
you don't see every day
in my jerkwater area code.
"
"when your knowledge goes deep to the bone,
then you've studied a subject ? fond,
like the way that you get
to the bottom, i bet,
of a bottle of dom p?rignon.
"
"here's a word that is slangy and loose,
with a meaning you're sure to deduce.
when i tell you (for short)
there's an alpha-based sort,
you should know how it's ordered for use.
"
"said her hubby, in love with her madly,
""i want to make love to you badly!""
said she, ""have no fear,
you've succeeded, my dear,""
while recalling their lovemaking, sadly.
"
"he bridles and yells himself hoarse
at tyrants and despots, of course.
he's antiauthor-
itarian?more
of a mind to like freedom than force.
"
"the act of enduring can be
pretty hard on a young 'un like me.
i have practiced abidance
without any guidance,
becoming an orphan at three.
"
"my prize-winning angus adorns
the parades on these bright summer morns.
all the trumpeters play
as my steer's on display.
(yes, i'm taking the bull by the horns.)
"
"down in southern australia they boast
of a place that is odder than most,
as their main claim to fame
is the palindrome name:
arrawarra, a town on the coast.
"
"antilepton and now antiquark?
it's no wonder my mind's in the dark!
antimatter, it seems,
is the stuff of my dreams,
where i take anti-walks in the park.
"
"now don't get your nose out of joint:
the anterior nasal spine's point
(the acanthion tip)
hovers over the lip
that your mucus, adrip, may anoint.
"
"there are rifles, a dagger and sheath,
and bazookas i bought to bequeath
to each daughter and son,
since i live by the gun
and my heirs must be armed to the teeth.
"
"though he likes me, this guy won't declare it.
so for now, i just grin and i bear it.
if he ever comes courtin',
you'll find me reportin'
to all. (if the woo fits, you share it.)
"
"her come-on was meant to excite,
and she offered a taste of delight.
but no sex was to be.
i'm a cannibal?see?
so for me it was love at first bite.
"
"the man of my dreams was a beatnik,
the cool and adorably sweet nick,
but he altered his ways?
the vandyke, the berets?
and became an unbearable neatnik.
"
"how creative these menus can be!
""build-a-sandwich"" one's saying to me.
now my belt must expand
'cause i plan to demand
they add egg?for a b.e.l.t.
"
"your calumnies show your committal
to bad-mouth, disparage, and whittle
me down to your size.
you're a runt in my eyes!
(so is that how it feels to belittle?)
"
"sir elton gets truly excited
when fans say ""milord."" he's delighted
by being adored,
but goes out of his gourd
when ignored by the dull and benighted.
"
"i've wolfed down the chicken tostada,
ten tacos, and carne asada.
bring me seven more rounds!
topping four hundred pounds,
i'm the boss?yeah, the big enchilada.
"
"the deponent was far from compliant;
his manner and tone were defiant.
""i'm beating this rap!
affidavits are crap!""
so declaimed an affiant named bryant.
"
"i'm antireligious at times:
when i read of the killing and crimes
man's committed for god
(a crusade, a jihad),
i'd prefer to read nursery rhymes.
"
"a burro enthusiast, bing,
had a jackass that learned how to swing.
in the playground at school,
all the kids thought it cool
to see bing with his ass in a sling.
"
"acid rock as a name was a trope
for expanding our minds and their scope?
psychedelic laments
that made eminent sense,
though you had to be tripping on dope.
"
"aldabra has beautiful beaches
that sit in the outermost reaches
of the lovely seychelles,
where victoria dwells.
or at least so my almanac teaches.
"
"when the future is looking auspicious
and life is becoming propitious,
a beggar can slide
all his worries aside
and see horses to ride, and not wishes.
"
"i'm an angerless kind of a guy,
having kissed indignation goodbye.
now i'm turning a cheek
and renouncing all pique.
(any doubters get socked in the eye.)
"
"the cbs news rates a yawn
now that folksy dan rather is gone.
though he anchored to cheers,
he has left, it appears,
to avoid being quartered and drawn.
"
"it appears in some years i'll be bald.
i've a loss (alopecic, it's called),
and i'm thinning up there.
do i look like i care?
um, how much to have hair plugs installed?
"
"up in yorkshire, with nary a care,
we go paddling one day on the aire.
we inspect the canoes
when we get to the ouse,
but the news is our shoes are not there.
"
"there's so much in my man to admire:
when he gardens for me, he won't tire.
i adore how his thumb
(just as green as they come)
grows the mums as it plumbs my desire.
"
"for capital murder he's tried,
but escapes when his hands are untied.
then with fear and despondence,
he lives in abscondence.
(he'd rather be hidden than fried.)
"
"asia minor held folks anatolian,
whose neighbors, in greece, were aeolian.
the former all grinned
when the latter passed wind
that was heard by a distant mongolian.
"
"like the captain and toni tennille,
kept together by love that they feel,
an accompanist plays
so the vocalist stays
with the music, in phase and on keel.
"
"this spiny-finned fish has a knack
of escaping the line when it's slack.
he's an amberjack?wooed
by an angler for food?
and when fried, makes an excellent snack.
"
"young skywalker's caught in a pother
of feelings that fluster and bother.
he's stunned for a while
(anagnorisis-style)
when darth vader says, ""luke, i'm your father.""
"
"when the dog-ate-my-homework excuse
was rebuffed, and the prof said, ""no use,
you'll be flunking the final,""
i switched to anginal
discomfort?my aegrotat ruse.
"
"aberdare, in glamorgan, south wales,
is a town where the coal sat on scales,
and the ironworks bustled
while mineworkers hustled
from pitheads to taverns for ales.
"
"he's a courteous colleague, it's true,
but his absence of schooling won't do.
academical study
will help make your buddy
a scholar and gentleman, too.
"
"a civilian who pilots a plane,
a mechanic the air force will train,
and a techie for boeing
who keeps a jet going
are airmen, with flight their domain.
"
"an acantho- and cephalan worm
is a parasite, i can affirm.
it's terribly tiny,
tenacious and spiny.
if you get it, you'll wiggle and squirm.
"
"many gridiron coaches agree
that the aerial game is a key.
have the quarterback throw
and he'll score, doncha know?
as he might, making passes at me!
"
"at the airport, i'm badgered and bossed,
and the strain could inflict quite a cost,
but today is the day
all the stress goes away.
my emotional baggage gets lost!
"
"a foul-talking fellow named frank
was enraged by a neighbor kid's prank.
he was cursing on high
when the pastor came by.
all we heard then was ""blankety-blank!""
"
"he's almighty voracious today
and could eat him a horse, as they say,
but the soup kitchen doles
out a couple of rolls
and a cupful of cold consomm?.
"
"i'm expecting my tumor's benign
and i'm not at the end of the line.
still i fear when i hear
that the doc has to peer
in my rear where the sun doesn't shine!
"
"a hollywood star was extolled in
the flicks as a boy who was golden.
i'm indebted today
in this verse, by the way,
for his name. he'll be billed and beholden.
"
"this irritant compound that's white
is for weeds a particular blight.
2,4-d is its name,
but be careful?don't aim
for the eyes; it can maim a guy's sight.
"
"when you're losing your hair, you're appalled,
fearing women will not be enthralled;
but by shaving your head,
you'll get lucky in bed,
'cause a man, to some gals, should be bald.
"
"look around and you'll see, to your sorrow,
the needy who beg, steal, and borrow
to get through the day,
while the billionaires play
in a world both unfair and bizarro.
"
"in mayberry, opie was three
when he heard of muhammad ali.
then to andy he'd gloat
and he'd claim: ""i kin float
like a butterfly, sting like aunt bee.""
"
"richard simmons accited the masses
and called them to exercise classes.
his summons was heard,
and some millions were stirred
just enough to get off of their asses.
"
"since judas iscariot kissed
jesus christ, he's now topping the list
of apostates and traitors.
the rest? small potaters,
deserving just slaps on the wrist.
"
"we're attending a masquerade party,
my wife in a get-up that's tarty.
she's playing the whore;
i'm her john and a bore
in an ascot, pretentious and arty.
"
"there are folks in this church, it appears,
for whom anagrams fall on deaf ears.
by reshuffling (i've heard)
all the letters, the word
presbyterians makes britney spears.
"
"acutifoliate bushes can prick?
leave a puncture, a scratch, or a nick.
they have sharp-pointed leaves,
so i'll roll down the sleeves
on my shirt, which has fabric that's thick.
"
"a belvedere, alcove, or nook
is my refuge for reading a book.
i've a summerhouse, which
is the sanctum and niche
where i hide from the meddlesome look.
"
"this absorptiometer's cool!
it's an excellent chemistry tool
that can measure how much
of a steroid or such
is dissolved in your urine or drool.
"
"it's a genus of herbs that delights?
showy flowers in purples and whites.
but abronia, too,
is a lizard that you
can espy in arboreal heights.
"
"i recall the excitement and glee
of the saturday flicks in 3-d.
wearing glasses, i'd boo
at the indians who
drew their bows and shot arrows . . . at me!
"
"with the very first flash in the pan,
i was hooked and the arson began.
all the blazes were small
till i torched city hall,
and the cops threw my arse in the can.
"
"the name of this game is displayed
on a card having numbers arrayed.
cover five in a row
and the word that you crow
says ""i won!"" that's a bingo you made.
"
"it appears that vice president cheney
likes arabs both clever and zany.
one wag from a state
on the gulf near kuwait
says that's cheney's innately bahraini.
"
"at the beach all the bullies come stand
by my blanket each day and kick sand.
i'm a 90-pound wimp,
just an amyous simp,
lacking muscles, but, oh, how i'm tanned!
"
"you're praising my lips and my hair!
such blandishments thrill me, mon cher.
you endeavor to charm me,
cajole, and disarm me
so flattery gets you-know-where.
"
"the aroma this flower emits
from its nectar is giving me fits.
it's a carrion smell
that some insects find swell.
the american pawpaw? the pits!
"
"our bartending buddy anoints
both his knees with a cold one, then points
to his budding arthritis
and bids to incite us
to quaff and get stiff in his joints.
"
"we all strive to put stress on beat three
in an anapest rhythm, you'll see.
but some words i can name
leave you short of this aim ?
for example, attainability.
"
"an adverb that means ""apropos""
is ad rem. it's from latin, you know,
and it translates this way:
""to the thing,"" so they say,
or said caesar a long time ago.
"
"an arab in mecca becomes
an importer of resins and gums.
but some mucilage spills
as he leafs through the bills,
and the arabin sticks to his thumbs.
"
"i'm an expert on tundra and snow,
pretty happy to go with the floe.
so you're right on the state
i was born in, but wait?
i'm alaskan; just how did juneau?
"
"""how'd you lose it?"" he cried. ""i'm upset!
we've no armor; their guns are a threat.
when the shooting begins . . .""
we all broke out in grins.
""lost a bar bet, sir. not the barbette.""
"
"this place was the westernmost spot
in the country, believe it or not.
washingtonians claim,
""well, whatever its name,
that's an alava cape that we've got.""
"
"in belgrade a critic named herb
wrote a caustic and cynical blurb.
the croatians were sad,
and the bosnians mad:
herb was savaged for being acerb.
"
"in the town of juarez lived a gringo
named bing who was learning the lingo.
he hung in a hall
where ""b tres"" was the call.
after shouting ""ol?!"" where did bing go?
"
"when i saw all the gems packed in straw,
i just swiped them. (i'm quick on the draw.)
but today i am jailed?
when the cops came, i failed
to outrun the long arm of the law.
"
"a roman sat down by a lass
at a chariot race, made a pass,
""see these wonderful coins?
bet they're bronze as your loins.""
""one's like you,"" she replied. ""it's an as.""
"
"the pellets are loaded and rest
in a chamber; the air is compressed.
when i pull on the trigger,
this air gun, i figger,
will aerate the crow in that nest.
"
"anthozoans are creatures like coral,
with features both faunal and floral,
that hide in the nooks
and allure with their looks,
using polyps with hooks in a quarrel.
"
"a back-up that offers you nerve,
a reliever who's known for his curve,
and the white house's wings
are auxiliary things,
supplemental or kept in reserve.
"
"at a funeral, grief often flashes
with wailing and weeping and splashes
of sorrow and woe
from lamenters who show
they're in mourning with sackcloth and ashes.
"
"in auxotrophy, mutants of germs
need a substance to grow on their terms,
thus exceeding the norm
for the natural form
and the wild type in humans and worms.
"
"an autarkical nation is one
whose dependence on others is done.
its economy stands
on its own and demands
both respect and a place in the sun.
"
"howard hughes was a pilot and blade,
a renowned aviator who made
us a goose out of spruce,
then became a recluse?
with a screw or two loose, i'm afraid.
"
"o. henry wrote yarns of the sort
that were masterfully poignant and short.
many anecdotes end
with a twist and were penned
to provide us with ""moral"" support.
"
"if i'm sent to the place down below,
andante is how i will go.
because dante's inferno
can burn you like sterno,
i'd rather be taking it slow.
"
"pennsylvania's a state that i wish
had, for each of its cities, a dish.
hershey kisses can please;
steak in philly has cheese.
could altoona be famous for fish?
"
"self-reliance is one of the tags
the horatio alger boy bags.
tattered tom doesn't shirk
in the face of hard work,
so he rises to riches from rags.
"
"a barkeeper, pee wee mcgraw,
was surprisingly quick on the draw.
so he copped a few kegs;
now he's stretching his legs
to outrun the long arm of the law.
"
"with autotrophy, everything's cool.
all that carbon dioxide is fuel!
as your prez, i must say
global warming's okay,
and that democrat kyoto's a fool.
"
"out of bed, in a charge, heading johnward . . .
it's the tenth time this night that i've gone?word
is out that my bladder
is shot (nothing sadder):
it's half-a-leak, half-a-leak onward.
"
"my volume of verse isn't slim,
so the publisher told me to trim.
i could cut out a sonnet,
an ode, or doggone it,
just amputate, maybe, this lim . . .
"
"the island vancouver's the spot
where indigenous people, the aht,
liked to fish from canoes
while enjoying the views
where today people cruise on a yacht.
"
"his acknowledgement's so insincere:
""what a generous man he was, dear,""
offers third-cousin bill,
who then asks of the will
as he stands at my late husband's bier.
"
"acid rain is a product of plants?
the industrial kind that advance
human progress, it's true;
but we lose a lot, too.
let's go green while we still have a chance.
"
"my dad is a vigorous jock;
his animalism can shock.
he'll be going out later
to rassle a gator.
as mom likes to say, he's a croc.
"
"an auxiliary verb, i would say,
is a word that could help every day.
if you will, it's a term
that might mean that you're firm:
when you do have a will, there's a way.
"
"these down under artists, a pair,
gave us ballads and syrupy fare.
making songs, i recall,
out of nothing at all,
was what air supply did on the air.
"
"a donor (alive!) went direct
to the organ donation unchecked;
'twas an error?and how!
he's acardiac now,
so he hasn't the heart to object.
"
"a biblical layman gives glowing
accounts of how babylon's growing.
aziza's his name,
which, like hannah's, has fame:
you can't tell if they're coming or going.
"
"on the ganges sits allahabad,
a metropolis named after god.
there are hindus who would
change its name if they could,
which might lead to a call to jihad.
"
"a poetry lover who took
a limerick audiobook
on her drive to l.a.
yearned for keats and millay,
but got stuck with an anapest schnook.
"
"here's a medal for physicist kevin,
whose meddling mettle's in heaven.
that metal that glowed
in the dark was a load
of actinium-227.
"
"if a woman is forcibly plucked
from vermont, and unwillingly trucked
to new york to be wed
or be taken to bed,
then her fate is described by abduct.
"
"with my audiologic degree,
i am testing your hearing and see
a banana is stuck
in your ear; and with luck,
you're not deaf, just as dumb as can be.
"
"with acharnement amazons kick
at the enemies' groins, and then pick
up their swords as they drop
and deliver a chop.
hail the merciless warrior-chick!
"
"these statues had heads made of stone
and torsos of wood and of bone.
they're acroliths, which
fill a sculptural niche;
much about them today is unknown.
"
"with my audiological loss,
i'm in trouble right now 'cause the boss
(that's my wife) told me this:
""wash those socks today, chris.""
but i heard ""watch those sox,"" and she's cross.
"
"an auxiliary force is a corps
that assists when a nation's at war.
though these foreigners make
savvy soldiers, they take
a few months to establish rapport.
"
"king arthur to guinevere said:
""dear, i can't get you out of my head.
when abroad, i obsess
on your tender caress
and imagine a knight in your bed.""
"
"when i'm cracking my knuckles, i guess
that the joints could be under duress.
but the sound is so cool
that i'll risk (like a fool)
all the pain of arthralgic distress.
"
"if you study the boats on the bay
near this capital's harbor, you'll say,
""setting sail, annamese
are as free as the breeze
and enjoy saying 'anchors hu?!'""
"
"i'm averse to unthinking simplicity,
always seeking, instead, specificity.
yes, i break things apart
and take details to heart:
i'm a master of analyticity.
"
"the amphibian, footloose and free,
can inhabit the land and the sea?
neither reptile nor fish,
it adapts; but i wish
that the frog i just kissed were a he.
"
"an unfortunate fellow named alec
had migraines he called acephalic.
his head didn't ache,
so it seemed kinda fake,
like a metal that isn't metallic.
"
"the afofa's a portuguese dance
that i honestly hadn't the chance
or the interest to do
till my recent snafu
in algarve without any pants.
"
"by earning a bachelor of arts,
you exhibit the requisite smarts
to absorb the b.s.
(for an a.b., no less!)
that a college professor imparts.
"
"can you spare me a dime?or a few, sir?
i'm down and i'm out?unlike you, sir.
i swear i won't go
buying booze with the dough,
'cause this beggar cannot be a juicer.
"
"antirock is a word on the list
that our limerick writers have missed.
does it mean one bemoans
all the songs of the stones,
or opposes a diamond or schist?
"
"architectonic relates
to the science of building, which states,
""if you build it, they'll come,""
thus explaining to some
why our prisons have lines at the gates.
"
"in a kitchen this thinker arrays
and prepares the paillards he will braise.
on his thoughts he will stew
as they simmer au jus.
with excitement, pascal is ablaze.
"
"i'm antiromantic these days.
though he's sending me lovely bouquets,
my excitement and thrill
are replaced by a chill
and the knowledge he's going both ways.
"
"seeing pratfalls, we grin and guffaw,
and we hiss when the crooks break the law.
if a puppy's on screen
or a baby is seen,
then we say, sentimentally, ""aw!""
"
"the city that's named alicante
meant little to jimmy durante.
the schnozz didn't deign
to do vaudeville in spain;
he packed houses in south ypsilanti.
"
"aliesterase: here is the stuff
of which esters just can't get enough
when they're splitting their links
(hydrolytic methinks).
without enzymes the process is tough.
"
"to some latter-day saints, he's a fossil,
but one you don't ruffle or jostle.
you'll find, if you delve,
that he's one of just twelve
on a council and called an apostle.
"
"he's a skyjacker headed to cuba,
but trapped on a plane in aruba.
a caribbean cop
tells this air pirate, ""stop,
before someone gets hurt with that tuba!""
"
"with antlers the deer is adorned.
he's a ruminant mammal, not horned,
but he'll sometimes attack.
his deciduous rack
is a danger that shouldn't be scorned.
"
"every now and again, it would seem,
i lose track of a subject or theme.
in the course of the day,
while at work or at play,
i'm distracted, bemused, and adream.
"
"a baptism's total immersion
has led to a thorough abstersion
and cleaned out the lint
in my navel by dint
of a mighty religious conversion.
"
"antisexist defenses include:
was your mother this nasty and lewd?
will those wolf whistles stop
when you learn i'm a cop?
at the gym, do they laugh when you're nude?
"
"antiracism laws are okay,
keeping bunches of bigots at bay.
but if we're to create
a new world without hate,
education, no doubt, is the way.
"
"antilymphocyte globulin's used
to ensure that a heart's not refused
when a transplant's performed
and the organ is stormed
by a body whose cells are bemused.
"
"we're stuck on the earth, where i fear
the environment's sober and drear.
so let's lighten it up!
have a drink from this cup!
antigravity cocktails are here!
"
"for the physicist, deuterons seem
to engender respect and esteem.
if he's looking for ""cool,""
antideuterons rule?
and together, the two are a scream!
"
"our cities used buses as tools
to balance the races in schools.
children stood at the curbs;
others moved to the burbs.
antibusing folks balked at the rules.
"
"here's aberrance: a word i display
in an odd and an aberrant way.
do the stresses i use
serve to help or confuse?
they're anomalous. what can i say?
"
"our outlooks are quite antithetic?
at odds, so i'd say it's prophetic
that something must give
if together we'll live.
you're prosaic and dull. i'm poetic.
"
"antimatter, when added to matter,
produces a plasma that's . . . fatter?
ambiplasma ain't real,
but it leads me to feel
(theoretically) mad as a hatter.
"
"ahmed was a sultan and turk,
the third with that name, and a jerk.
we saw hungary beat him
and russia defeat him.
this ottoman needed some work.
"
"akasaka's the tokyo name
of a ward with a bit of acclaim
for its western cachet.
let me add, by the way,
that spelled backwards, its name is the same.
"
"my son wrote a fine dissertation
on chemical vinification.
i skimmed through his treatise
and spotted acetous,
a word with a sour intimation.
"
"there are aerodynes buzzing on high,
weighing more than the air in the sky,
while the zeppelins there
are much lighter than air.
(that's the reason why aerostats fly.)
"
"iambic pentameter sank
from disuse, and it's something i thank
edward lear for assisting
by firmly resisting
a limerick verse that is blank.
"
"a terrorist born in bahrain,
on the gulf, hoped for virgins in vain.
seems the bomb he had hidden
exploded unbidden.
he lives, but few organs remain.
"
"the dopers are running amuck,
and the dea agents seem stuck.
has the funding run dry?
no, the narcs are just high
getting way too much bhang for their buck.
"
"the political doctors who spin
will annoy and get under our skin.
they will bend all the rules
and employ any tools
in an all-out endeavor to win.
"
"bush is anti-environment?he's
too complacent about what he sees.
says we're ""cleaning the air""!
that's as likely, i swear,
as a trouble-free exxon valdez.
"
"the ref grabbed his whistle and blew
when he noticed the elbow i threw:
""sir, i just can't approve
your anconeal move.""
seems my ass from my elbow he knew.
"
"an aerolith expert bemoaned
the uninteresting samples he owned.
""please accept my apologies:
aerolithology's
boring; i'd rather get stoned.""
"
"they gamble and drink with bravado
in vegas, this place with the motto:
""what happens here, stays here.""
they walk in a daze here?
the losers and boozers are blotto.
"
"i suffer a form of displacement?
a friend-induced psychic effacement.
feeling humbled and low,
i've decided to go
and reside like a schmo in abasement.
"
"there's a patient (a guy i'll call doug)
on an anticoagulant drug.
when he's cut he can't clot,
and he bleeds quite a lot,
so to catch it he carries a jug.
"
"""whole language"" continues to grow.
it's why johnny can't read, doncha know.
yes, we have to get back
to the basics, a tack
that makes phonics the star of the show!
"
"they are vehicles sitting astride
single rails that deliver a ride
very cushy and smooth,
so these aerotrains soothe
both your nerves and your butt as they glide.
"
"on the screen i'd have robert de niro
depicting an eskimo hero.
his nanook lives in nome,
making trinkets at home,
in the fictional bibelot zero.
"
"in eden live adam and eve,
so naive they're a snap to deceive.
a duplicitous snake
gets them both to partake
of an ""apple."" (that's sex, i believe.)
"
"a barefisted fight is the kind
leaving knuckles and hands in a bind.
at the finish they're bruised,
black-and-blue, and contused,
so the prizefighter's check can't be signed.
"
"the abaculi set in the floor
form a pattern italians adore.
these mosaics abound,
and in rome can be found
fine terrazzo and smalto galore.
"
"when the things you're comparing are two,
then between is the word that will do.
if you're speaking of three,
use among, some decree.
(that's malarkey, between me and you.)
"
"with mugabe and friends in control,
poor zimbabwe is stuck in a hole.
although africanized,
it's too militarized,
and it's losing its body and soul.
"
"using actinotherapy meant
that the patient had given consent
to be treated for days
by exposure to rays.
let us hope it was money well spent.
"
"archilochus, a poet and greek,
was direct when he wrote, not oblique.
archilochian, then,
when applied to a pen,
means a tart or satiric technique.
"
"after dropping some acid in maine,
i was stuck with a tune in my brain.
thought my head would explode
with green icing that flowed
from a cake that was left in the rain.
"
"in insurance and pensions and health,
there are ways for protecting your wealth.
you can calculate risk
using lengthy or brisk
actuarial methods and stealth.
"
"if you're locked on a bogey nearby
with your radar, beware as you fly.
if you haven't yet fired,
that target acquired
could shoot you right out of the sky.
"
"it is alfred the great who now reigns
over land not controlled by the danes.
here in 886,
england's out of a fix
and in store for some cultural gains.
"
"they say that the biggest bird born is
the ostrich, whose feet suffer soreness
from onerous weight,
so imagine the fate
and the feet of the late aepyornis.
"
"from his garrulous father polonius
came counsel both sage and euphonious:
to thine own self be true,
and, laertes, eschew
any words that appear acrimonious.
"
"so the universe has a creator,
a grand and divine instigator?
the atheist sighs,
""from this feat i'd surmise
the creator's creator was greater.""
"
"antitumor defenses are numerous?
a legion for lesions turned tumorous.
we battle with cancers
(myoma advancers)
and never consider them humorous.
"
"antimissiles were widely deployed
by defenses that sought to avoid
getting hammered by scuds,
which turned out to be duds.
on reentry, a lot self-destroyed.
"
"on an armrest he's mounted a gun;
in the cushions are tasers that stun.
at the back are the jets;
it's as good as it gets
when your son thinks an armchair is fun!
"
"if my hon and i don't have a gun
and a bear has us both on the run,
my survival technique
isn't fancy; i'll seek
to outrun not the bear, but my hon.
"
"agent 007's rapport
with the chicks led to many a score.
but a spy to match bond
was a switch-hitting blonde,
under cover as pussy galore.
"
"there's a caterer bringing the waiter
his stuff, like the cheese and the grater.
this victualer dude
who's supplying the food
was in olden days called the acater.
"
"as a teen, he was wasted?a loser,
an afterschool doper and boozer.
now a man, his domain
features scag and cocaine.
such is life for the substance abuser.
"
"because helium's something unique,
when you breathe it, you talk with a squeak.
antihelium, though,
is its opposite, so
could it lower your voice when you speak?
"
"while a luff is the edge of a sail,
and a laugh can be had from a tale,
with a loofah to scrub,
i'm aloof in the tub:
a standoffish, indifferent male.
"
"there's a psa ad that you see
every night on new zealand tv:
""if you ain't got the rubbah
there'll be no hubba-hubba.""
young kiwis seem abstinence-free.
"
"call it poopy or doo-doo or poo,
i'm a toddler and that's what i do.
in my diapers each day
are those messes that say,
""my b.m.s are a present for you.""
"
"the bolshoi's a famous ballet.
all its dancers can leap and pli?;
and the star in the corps,
boris borzoi, can soar
when he raises his leg en fouett?.
"
"a beater of bushes named fitch
spent the night with an amorous bitch.
on safari next day,
he was eaten by prey
after falling asleep at the switch.
"
"the panamint mountains are tall.
almost twelve thousand feet you can fall
to the badwater basin?
that death valley place in
the states that's the lowest of all.
"
"an absentee ballot is swell
for the soldier, the old, the unwell.
being sick or remote
from the polls, they can vote
in advance from the place where they dwell.
"
"a botanist studies the ways
that a plant is deserving of praise:
""see that mesh of racemes?
it is part of god's schemes,
for he works in wisteria's maze.""
"
"you're my wife and you've caught me, i fear.
now you're mad; that's abundantly clear.
but i gotta confess?
in these shoes and this dress,
i look cute when you're angry, my dear.
"
"there's a place done the indian way
known as ahmadabad, near bombay.
it has temples and tombs,
and some mosques, one assumes,
for a hindi-islamic cachet.
"
"the aider by verdict herein
means the facts, as alleged, must have been
true enough in the charge
(and complete, by and large),
since they found you as guilty as sin.
"
"the greeks on the argo were racin',
but not after gold for their jason.
on the ship there were mites
giving argonauts bites.
it was fleas more than fleece they were chasin'.
"
"the city of acoma stands
as america's oldest and spans
almost nine hundred years
with inhabitants. here's
to new mexico's pueblos and lands!
"
"the bobsledders push at the top
as they sprint to the edge of the drop.
then they zoom down the ice
and ignore a device
called the brake, 'cause they know they can't stop.
"
"algetic's a word you won't see
on my merriam-webster cd.
but it's found in roget's;
under painful it lays.
(or it lies. either word works for me.)
"
"aviculture: this wonderful word
uses avis (that's latin for ""bird"")
and combines it with culture,
which leads me to vulture?
a creature that flies, i've inferred!
"
"some children are bored when they climb
from the school bus, then try to kill time.
such unsupervised kids
hit the afterschool skids
and engage in misconduct and crime.
"
"a jamaican, a big-bellied mon,
sings of ladies and getting it on.
in a lyric, his girth
is the topic of mirth
from st. croix all the way to san juan.
"
"abyssinians lived on the nile,
a people of substance and style.
where their kingdom was grand
ethiopians stand?
in a land where survival takes guile.
"
"the national anthem was played
by a band whose adapter had made
it uniquely conform
to a dissonant swarm
of kazoo-toting clowns on parade.
"
"when an aphid is chewing a leaf,
it's the bottom that's getting the grief.
this abaxial side
is a place he can hide.
eat on top and his life could be brief.
"
"there's a river whose waters will wend
from new york into pittsburgh, my friend.
there it joins the ohio,
completing its bio.
the name's allegheny. the end.
"
"it's a river that clearly to fans is
a gem, and i'm told by old hands is
for flatboats, not schooners.
both jayhawks and sooners
like fishing the mighty arkansas.
"
"an aeronomer's planning to fly,
learning chemistry up in the sky.
so he rides a balloon
all the way?to the moon!
(smoking dope is his way to get high.)
"
"the baron of asbury park
caught his watchman asleep in the dark.
begged poor marcus, ""oh god,
master, spare me the rod.""
but the lord set a cane upon mark.
"
"the person who did this is blameless.
so, officer, please keep him nameless.
though i'm shot in the foot,
there's no reason to put
in your book i'm the shooter?and aimless.
"
"advancers are stocks on the rise.
they're attractive, some brokers advise.
but to own them you'll pay
a lot more than you may
for decliners?the savvier buys.
"
"so long to this bachelor's strife,
and aloha, my mauian wife!
i'll be whiling the hours
with garlands of flowers,
enjoying the leis of my life.
"
"my anxiety always increased
when i faced my absolver, the priest.
i'd admit that i cussed,
then confess to my lust
for a nun (which was last but not least).
"
"antitumoral agents are those
we prescribe for a cancer that grows
at a moderate rate.
after chemo we wait,
fingers crossed, till we see how it goes.
"
"the thing at the end of the lace
on your shoe has a name and a place:
using aiglets to guide,
keep your laces well-tied,
or you're likely to fall on your face.
"
"there is many a bush that deceives
by appearing benign, but aggrieves
the na?ve?causing harm,
like a prick on the arm
that its acerate foliage leaves.
"
"though these letters have dots that are bitty,
to me, i's and j's appear pretty.
try hijinks in fiji;
in beijing play ouija.
see ajijic, a mexican city.
"
"got mice? get a nice siamese!
feed him limburgers, cheddars, and bries.
let him sit and exhale
and they'll come, without fail,
to a breath that's been baited with cheese.
"
"he's afraid to disclose that he's gay,
so one gal's on his arm every day.
the companion's a beard,
but she's hirsute and weird.
seems those whiskers should give her away.
"
"she's a devil and angel, it seems;
such extremes from the girl of my dreams.
that's a story we hear
in some song every year?
one of pop music's popular themes.
"
"a parson resides on a hill
by an old uninhabited mill.
when he's out in the dark,
there's a match and a spark.
seems the parson thinks arson's a thrill.
"
"we mean by the word animality
a beast's or a creature's vitality?
those natural drives
making animals' lives
unrestrained by ingrained rationality.
"
"when antimetathesis is
what they test on the rhetoric quiz,
first i pray and i curse,
then i do the reverse,
'cause at figures of speech i'm a whiz.
"
"aganice studied the trips
of the earth and foresaw an eclipse.
then she bragged (like a loon)
that she governed the moon.
now unmasked, she's the butt of our quips.
"
"in the forest, a ranger is put
on alert, finding ashes and soot
at a camp where the bone
of a deer has been thrown.
it's a hoof, so the game is afoot!
"
"an acuminose leaf's not your friend,
since it's narrow and flat at the end.
if you're stuck in the woods
without papery goods,
wider leaves are what folks recommend.
"
"when i travel each year to bordeaux,
my electric appliances blow.
so i've bought an adaptor,
installed 'er, and tapped 'er;
she's helping the power to flow.
"
"such unusually lightheaded guests,
with their mouths and their eyes in their chests,
leave the host in a daze.
the acephali's gaze
seems as odd as their talkative breasts.
"
"the cannibal's belly's dilated;
the dinner tonight left him sated.
his ampliate gut
means he amply ate?what?
both the food and the girl he just dated.
"
"when i take off the lid, i discern
an aroma so pungent i turn
in disgust and defense.
ammoniacal scents
from the pee in a chamber pot burn.
"
"algebraists use vectors and rings
and are facile with boolean strings.
though these nerds, as a rule,
can at times seem the fool,
in a math class they're treated as kings.
"
"my airsickness started, it's said,
when my dad threw me over his head.
as a toddler (just three)
being tossed, i went ""whee!""
and then barfed all the food i'd been fed.
"
"our newspaper articles try
to inform, and five questions apply:
number one, tell us who
has done what (that is two),
thirdly when, fourthly where, lastly why.
"
"the genuine article stands
as a one-of-a-kind that commands
our attention. it's neat,
both distinct and a treat,
unlike knock-offs of popular brands.
"
"a clause in a contract or creed;
a newspaper story we read;
an item we see
in a shop; the word the:
all are articles, different in breed.
"
"you're indicted and called to the court,
where the charges are read, which report:
you've committed a crime
with some serious time.
your arraignment, by contrast, is short.
"
"victoria's secret was strong,
but its profits dried up before long.
so by auctioning assets
in all of their facets,
the business was sold for a thong.
"
"antiatoms are strange and absurd,
but exist, it is widely averred.
antiparticles are
their true essence and star
in an opposite world, so i've heard.
"
"i'm an out-of-work mathematician?
no more numbers and numbing addition.
let's face it, it's not
that exciting to tot.
(on the plus side, i get to go fishin'.)
"
"having asthma's a difficult scene,
and this wheezer finds teens can be mean.
but the word is my friend,
with those a's at each end
and the consonants all in between.
"
"nova scotia's a place you can fish,
or engage in a highlander's wish:
play the pipes, do the fling,
toss a caber, or sing
at the festival antigonish.
"
"for a gal, it's a shoe with a strap,
and a sock, kinda short, for a chap.
it's an ornament worn
on the leg to adorn.
so they're anklets, all three. that's a wrap!
"
"by renouncing your faith, you invite,
from your church, condemnation and spite.
yes, apostasy's tough;
even worse, it's enough
that the lord may be tempted to smite.
"
"a numskull who makes an approach
to my crown with a plan to accroach
or usurp it will need
a great army indeed,
or i'll see that he's squashed like a roach.
"
"adaven's a town in nevada
whose name you will notice is odd?a
reverse of the state's
appellation that rates
it a limerick, if not a ramada.
"
"he's an alderman suffering twits
on the council in cork where he sits.
while the younger ones doubt
they can figure things out,
he's an older man keeping his wits.
"
"the metal actinium-two-
twenty-seven is eerily blue.
it's a beta-emitter,
aglow and aglitter?
and radioactive clear through.
"
"when people are absent, they're missing?
like the women i wish i were kissing.
lacking money and charm,
i've no gal on my arm
and have taken to moaning and pissing.
"
"on the shore of the caspian sea
sits a city that's known as baki.
on the cape apsheron
(part of azerbaijan)
is this capital, old as can be.
"
"i rented revenge of the sith,
whose intense allegorical pith
is the battle between
good and evil on screen.
it's a fable?part hit and part myth.
"
"j.s. bach, a composer, tried poker;
won big when he bet like a joker.
now the bets that he lays
are on stocks, and these days
he gets praise as a wall street baroquer.
"
"ababa's a genus of beetle
that when carefully placed on his feet'll
start moving with haste
to the dung for a taste
of a waste that's debased and excretal.
"
"if your body's attacked, it presents
you an immunogenic defense.
that response happens first,
then a following burst
(anamnestic, it's called) will commence.
"
"aaadonta's a genus of snails
that move slowly on highways and trails.
one has joined triple-a
to prepare for the day
when his double-a battery fails.
"
"every day mom and dad would bemoan
how their daughter was dumb as a stone.
then one day chopping wood,
when she'd had it for good,
lizzie axed them to leave her alone.
"
"the union continues to strike,
and the management says, ""take a hike.""
their positions are fixed,
and a settlement's nixed
by both workers and bosses alike.
"
"american standard's a name
that in plumbing has garnered acclaim.
it's the brand you might see
as you pee, and like me,
get a little too free with your aim.
"
"in my travels, wherever i roam,
i attempt to come up with a poem.
i'm in auburn tonight.
that's a city you might
(if you're north californian) call home.
"
"as an action man, ballsy and british,
james bond makes his enemies skittish.
he's the master of cool?
very suave, while that fool
austin powers is shaggingly twittish.
"
"amethopterin: yes, it's my drug,
and it's toxic, so why do i shrug?
it's because of my cancer,
for which there's no answer.
i'm glad they'll be pulling the plug.
"
"niagara was home to a hermit
named abbott for only a term (it
was under two years);
francis drowned, it appears.
folks who've been to the falls can confirm it.
"
"in a tent, in arrears with my rent,
i'm in debt (to my ears), since i've spent
every cent that i've made
at the penny arcade.
(now you know where the money all went.)
"
"for a week i've been mopey and sick.
maybe tylenol might do the trick?
so i gobble the pills;
then i'm stricken with ills.
get me acetylcysteine?quick!
"
"those dogs playing poker are neat,
and elvis in velvet's a treat.
all these paintings bewitch,
but the artwork is kitsch
(from the german for ""mud in the street"").
"
"my novel's adjudged a success?
by a publishing outfit, no less!
it's considered so good
i think everyone should
buy a copy from vanity press.
"
"since coffee's a cheap agrypnotic,
my counting of sheep is robotic.
each morning i rise
and another man dies.
this insomnia's why i'm psychotic.
"
"since i stutter, i suffer affronts;
people taunt and deride me: ""hey, dunce!""
i'm accosted by twits,
and my life is the pits?
i'm defenseless with sputters and grunts.
"
"a math operation or rule
is a logical process and tool.
in the additive kind,
one and one is defined.
(i might add that i learned this in school.)
"
"i'll keep truckin', and keep on endurin'
the acetone found in my urine.
my staying off sweeties
controls diabetes,
an ailment i hope they'll be curin'.
"
"this berried and thorny-leafed shrub
is a buckthorn?an evergreen, bub.
alaternus will do
as a purgative, too,
which can help you eliminate grub.
"
"you bow on a knee for the regent
(whose escutcheon shows animals sejant).
since the king is away,
you pledge fealty today
to his proxy, thus staying allegiant.
"
"a street vendor, chen made his mark
selling stir-fried adzuki with shark.
this leguminous plant
has a bean the chef can't
do without on his woks in the park.
"
"my abdominovesical urge
is a wee on the way to a surge.
gonna flee to the loo
(it's a pee, not a poo);
in a minute or two i'll emerge.
"
"the ambassador treated me great,
and my embassy stay was first-rate,
right down to the towel
embossed ""colin powell.""
(i head the department of state.)
"
"ms. madeleine albright was great
when she ran the department of state.
with a woman on top,
the testosterone drop
meant some diplomat-hawks got the gate.
"
"acadians, down from the cold,
found a land that by france would be sold.
now the creole and cajun
and spanish are ragin'
for gumbo that's spicy and bold.
"
"adversariness signifies foes,
with positions that clash or oppose.
choosing peace over strife,
i defer to my wife?
when she yanks on the ring in my nose.
"
"a philosopher blazed a new path
with original thinking in math.
did pascal give a scrub
to his thoughts in the tub
and thus blaise his pens?es in the bath?
"
"the animal hospital's vets
can do wonders when caring for pets.
my dalmatian looked dead,
but they fixed him instead.
that's as good as this doctoring gets.
"
"a brewer keeps beers in his stock:
an ale for his favorite doc,
a k?lsch for his tout,
for his broker a stout,
and, best, for his barber a bock.
"
"though the buggies and bonnets seem odd,
to the amish, they're not a fa?ade.
pennsylvania dutch
are indeed out of touch
with technology?yes, but not god.
"
"among mammals who live in the trees,
the acrobates surely will please.
these marsupial creatures
have avian features
and glide through the forest with ease.
"
"in kansas, what topic is chief?
is it corn, is it wheat, is it beef?
it's the silly to-do
over faith and what's true:
evolution or christian belief.
"
"these gals form a jittery faction?
unmarried and prone to distraction.
biological clocks
and their tickety-tocks
are provoking an ovary action.
"
"for a lean cut of meat, i suggest
you put kansas's steaks to the test.
give a t-bone a try
or a tenderloin. why?
because abilene beef is the best.
"
"in atlanta, the hawks run and jump,
while the falcons both tackle and bump.
these professional teams
harbor similar dreams:
be a champ, like the braves, not a chump.
"
"if you're acting a tad paranoidal,
and the dog sniffs a seed alkaloidal,
at customs they may
get a search under way
in a place, shall we say, hemorrhoidal.
"
"in that country down under, australia,
the vistas and wonders won't fail ya.
the outback is great,
as are ozzies, ol' mate,
but the mozzies annoy and assail ya.
"
"the fungal infection had spread
from my toes to the top of my head.
for a treatment, my doc
gave an answer that's stock:
amphotericin, whiskey, and bed.
"
"an abatement may help you relax
when you're doing your federal tax.
all that money you owe
adds to tension, you know,
but this item is one that subtracts.
"
"salicylic (amino-): a drug
that's derived from an acid will slug
those tubercular woes
with a punch in the nose,
so your relatives won't get this bug.
"
"you have moved to a country that's new.
the traditions and customs are few,
but you hear from a guy:
""spit in public, you die!""
i'd acculturate. how about you?
"
"an acetabuliferous squid
scuttled under the coral and hid.
when a cuttlefish neared,
the two mollusks appeared
to be cuddling, heaven forbid.
"
"an antipornography nut
sees commercials as televised smut.
he's complaining today
about feminine spray
and those diaper ads showing a butt.
"
"actuaries: no-nonsense, no less.
all business in manner and dress,
we're described all about
as accountants without
all the humor they're said to possess.
"
"a look that's come-hither is seen
as a sign from a willing colleen.
she alluringly flashes
her eyes and her lashes.
hands off if she's under eighteen!
"
"monophosphate, at least amp,
comes from muscles of mammals like me.
in this nucleotide
different molecules hide:
phosphate, base, and a sugar make three.
"
"an armada's a very large group,
lots of troops on the move and the swoop.
they can search and destroy?
or at times just annoy,
like these twenty-two flies in my soup.
"
"the border patrol is in place,
but unable to lessen the pace
of illegals who sneak
in our country each week.
these are boarders most folks don't embrace.
"
"a word that is melded, like brunch,
is a blend (here of breakfast and lunch).
since it's mid-afternoon
and, for supper, too soon,
is this food that i'm munching my sunch?
"
"these abdominalia adhere
to an anchor, a boat, or a pier.
only barnacle bill
has the will and the skill
to keep everything cirriped-clear.
"
"this cheatin' is makin' a hog o' me;
it's almost akin to misogamy.
my acedia, see,
is a form of ennui,
and a mistress helps break the monogamy.
"
"the elite don't say ""duck,"" but canard,
and for ""street,"" it's le grand boulevard.
they hate clowns, but love mimes;
they're ahead of the times.
let's salute the astute avant-garde.
"
"the delectable donuts with jelly
and blintzes they sell at the deli
keep hitting the spot,
but unpadded it's not.
they have added a pot to my belly.
"
"since women have walked on the earth,
this has tested their mettle and worth:
an inward aggression?
postpartum depression.
they call it the blues of the birth.
"
"a giraffe-necked remarkable dame
from rangoon has attained wide acclaim.
with her twenty-third ring,
they have found she can sing
a high c that puts divas to shame.
"
"near my hospital room in a line
are my bingo pals, hoping i'm fine.
now the doc's at the door
(i'm in n-34),
and he's calling my tumor . . . b-9!
"
"antiblack was the driver, and thus
we obeyed without making a fuss.
in the south it was clear
negroes brought up the rear,
so we moved to the back of the bus.
"
"if you're weak and yet putting on weight,
then aminoglutethimide's great.
its effects can be vile?
you could hurl for awhile?
but your cushing's disease should abate.
"
"my hubby's new hobby is x,
as in axial, xebec, and hex.
since starting to dabble
in tournament scrabble,
he's axially better at sex.
"
"aminoaciduria? jeez!
this condition's a pain, if you please.
seems i'm pissing away
so much acid all day
i'm just basically minding my pees.
"
"my compulsions are running amuck.
i'm a picky, fastidious schmuck,
very hard to assuage.
my development stage?
it's the anal at which i seem stuck.
"
"the trappings of power are these:
the scepter, the crown, and the keys
to the coffer of gelt
and the chastity belt
on the queen. my accoutrements, please!
"
"when your actions are vile as can be
and abhorrent to every degree,
then the devil is proud,
singing praises out loud:
""you're behaving abominably!""
"
"my chance of survival is low;
this iv is the key to my woe.
its drip has just died
from an air lock inside.
seems a bubble's preventing its flow.
"
"with those letters (in pairs) in a row,
the word bookkeeper's striking; and so,
keeping book on the counts,
it's with pride i announce
that subbookkeeper's star of the show.
"
"this anti-environment art
uses contrast to show and impart
certain meaning and sense
to surroundings and, hence,
i'm as lost as i was at the start.
"
"to distinguish a ship from a boat,
here's the relevant nautical note:
it's a boat if it sits
on a ship?or it fits
in the tub with my ducky, afloat.
"
"on managing land, saudi comics
try ribbing imams and islamics:
""muhammad moved mountains
and heaven has fountains,
but sand makes for tough agronomics!""
"
"when a frenchman contracts mal de mer
on the seas, he's in queasy despair.
but if flying in planes
makes him puke out his brains,
then he's airsick with grand mal de l'air.
"
"i'm amazed at how easy it is
to explain all this technical biz.
it's astounding to see
how defining can be
such a snap for a limerick whiz.
"
"the radar is sweeping the sky,
seeking enemy bogeys on high.
when an angel is seen
as an echo on-screen,
it bedevils my frightened mind's eye.
"
"at a tiny tasmanian college,
a marsupial maven named hollidge
inspects seven pouches.
""they're small,"" he avouches,
thus flaunting his bandicoot knowledge.
"
"i admit i'm a bit suicidal,
but call me a fool and i bridle.
soon my singing, my smile,
my auditioning style
will all shine on american idol.
"
"""an ass"" was the phrase that defined me,
as women both spurned and declined me.
no longer the fool,
i have purchased a mule.
now those asslessness days are behind me!
"
"a saxophone student with crassitude
has farted his way through the class ?tude.
even worse than his grossness?
extreme bellicoseness?
this dude is exuding badassitude.
"
"you're a bookkeeper noting amounts
and transactions in business accounts.
if your boss is a crook,
have the feds take a look,
but beware 'cause it's you he'll denounce.
"
"dear robert, my love never stops,
though it welters through rises and drops.
when i count all the ways
i adore you these days,
i get five. maybe six. seven tops.
"
"an apple that grows in peru
features blossoms of violet blue.
it's an annual plant,
ornamental. i can't
recommend it (for eating) to you.
"
"a verse that is terse and hilarious
boggles the mind with precarious,
clever conceits,
doing fabulous feats,
even boasting an abecedarius.
"
"since you live in a place that's palatial,
you've got enough dough for a facial.
your acne's a fright,
and although you are white,
with those blackheads you're looking bi-racial.
"
"though anglican brings to your mind
a church (the episcopal kind)
where an englishman prays,
be aware it's a phrase
for how english itself is defined.
"
"as the diners are donning their bibs
at the barbeque place, i have dibs
on the pork platter (yum!),
because no one can come
between me and my baby back ribs.
"
"the three types of borers i see
are the insects that drill through a tree,
the marine clams that strip
all the wood from a ship,
and these drips who are droning at me.
"
"abrogators abolish, annul,
and invalidate laws as they cull
all the statutes amassed
over centuries past
that are driving them out of their skull.
"
"a sightless adelopod's antsy,
his living inherently chancy.
when he looks for a treat,
he finds nothing to eat.
like his feet, there are ants that he can't see.
"
"which official has talked to the press
off-the-record is anyone's guess.
it's how insiders choose
to deliver the news?
and the backgrounder's key to success!
"
"my bichon fills her owner with glee,
so a bone's the reward she will see.
will this white-haired fris?
think it's wit or clich?
when i say to her, ""bone appetit!""?
"
"with colorful flowers, this plant
is an ajuga, something that can't
be mistaken for quince,
since it's one of the mints,
whose aroma and taste will enchant.
"
"my siblings are bothersome boys
who enjoy rearranging my toys.
i'm a female, you see,
who wants someone like me,
and my sislessness simply annoys.
"
"a letter that's common is ess.
when it's missing, it causes me stress.
this anxiety, rising,
is always surprising?
my esslessness makes me a mess.
"
"armadilli-, combining with diidae,
names bugs, not the garden variety.
they're isopods, all,
who get small when they fall
and roll up in a ball of anxiety.
"
"take arma-, and add dillidiidae
for a word that i use with sobriety.
it refers to a bug
that rolls up like a rug.
(roman numerals bring notoriety.)
"
"anthozoans reside on the coral,
and far from their mouths, their aboral
(or abactinal) end
has a function, my friend,
that a prude might consider immoral.
"
"alcapton's an acid that forms
as a product when tyrosine swarms,
as metabolites do
(phenylalanine, too)
in intense biochemical storms.
"
"this atto-'s a prefix i've seen
meaning ten to the minus eighteen.
a quintillionth seems small,
but our physicists all
find a nano- times nano- routine.
"
"your saucy cuisine is outlandish!
you're a casserole brando might brandish!
these statements i took
from a recipe book:
how to flatter and blandish a bland dish.
"
"this antimetabolite's neat,
but i still need to watch what i eat.
it inhibits the way
i burn calories?say,
can you give me a taste of that sweet?
"
"toward the pole from the warm south pacific,
antarctica looms, where prolific
ad?lies entice
in a world made of ice
that's unbearably cold and algific.
"
"my journey had only begun
when i ran for the senate?and won!
but the sessions are tough,
and i can't get enough
of the recess: adjournment is fun!
"
"when i ambled to town, not astraddle,
the ladies would hide or skedaddle.
so i found me a lass
with a beautiful ass.
thanks to jenny, i'm back in the saddle.
"
"explore an arboreal wonder!
the forest's a canopy under
which predators crawl,
seeking creatures who fall
out of trees from fatigue or a blunder.
"
"the gymnast who burst on the scene
long before she was even a teen
is the star (mythopoeic?)
who's amenorrheic,
with menses as spare as she's lean.
"
"they're adversaries, people opposed
to us! how their minds are so closed!
since they clearly annoy,
let's just tell them, ""enjoy!""
(while ensuring they're royally hosed).
"
"we can grasp something's nature and worth.
for example, we value the earth
for the things it supplies
and appreciate?prize?
even more so our children at birth.
"
"if airmailed, a letter might fly
overnight from amman to dubai
and get posted on land
(unless terrorists planned
for the plane to explode in the sky).
"
"the shortstop is ready to pounce,
when the ball takes a towering bounce.
it's a baltimore chop
(takes forever to drop):
not the greatest of hits, but it counts.
"
"honest abe took a stand against truthlessness
and demanded the south end its ruthlessness,
but he just didn't factor
one crazy-ass actor?
he shoulda been pushing for boothlessness.
"
"there's an npr radio show
that's superb if your traffic's so slow
that you're sitting, embittered.
try all things considered
to keep yourself well in the know.
"
"the robbers on main street are busy,
and hold-ups are making us dizzy.
the backstreets, once peaceful,
are turning policeful?
the crime has our town in a tizzy.
"
"there are movies to rent and much more
at my hollywood video store.
even box office flops
are now licking their chops
for this market?there's money galore!
"
"seeing jocks in the hallway, i scram?
or it's off to the boys' room i am,
where my legs will be spread
while they're stuffing my head
in the john like a battering ram.
"
"when a large and a small pipe connect,
the adapter will serve to correct
for their difference in girth.
it's a coupling and berth
where the two of them mate, in effect.
"
"my atherogenic demise
may result from the millions of fries
i consume (like a hog),
making plaque that will clog
all the routes to my heart, so it dies.
"
"i'm a man with a dog, and i'm blue
cuz he's old and he's sick, and i rue.
there are times when a man
does the best that he can,
so i'll do what a man has to do.
"
"a black-and-white bear at the zoo
liked to loll as he chewed on bamboo.
being fat when he died,
he was butchered and fried,
making moo goo gai panda. (eee-ew!)
"
"reading seuss to my son through the month
brings ingenious lexical funth.
how amazing these times
and astounding the rhymes!
i suggest that you try it?just oneth!
"
"counteracting the numbing effects
of barbiturates isn't complex.
take a bemegride dose
and you'll say adios
to the torpor in all its respects.
"
"my jump was much worse than i'd planned on;
they'd bungled the net i would land on.
in court they'll be ruing
my basis for suing:
i don't have a leg here to stand on!
"
"an algebra teacher named hector,
a linear combo collector,
is saving a basis
in case he erases
his space and misplaces a vector.
"
"alphabetically ordered are three
of afghanistan's letters, i see.
so i'll kabul together
a limerick, and whether
it works doesn't matter to me.
"
"a beach bunny gazed from the sand
at her guy on his board, in command.
he was riding the surf;
she was guarding her turf?
sitting pretty while bored on the land.
"
"it's a world we have dubbed the beau monde,
where the women are wealthy and blonde.
high society's passion
is money and fashion.
i'm happy to fish in my pond.
"
"the beautiful people are those
sporting jewelry and fabulous clothes.
they vacation in france,
go to discos to dance,
and besprinkle their speech with bon mots.
"
"from the narrow and straight i've meandered.
my behavior departs from the standard.
it's apparent that i
am aberrant?that's why
to a bear and a panda i've pandered.
"
"a martyr-to-be from rabat
dreamed of heaven and virgins a lot,
but the bomb in his pants
blew up early by chance.
(he survived, but his manhood did not.)
"
"beleaguered, a lion denied
his own hunger and tried to provide
for his litter of cubs,
but they withered like scrubs,
so he quit and just swallowed his pride.
"
"though i covet a lady's affection,
my build isn't up to inspection.
thus i'll work on my abs,
'cause this god-awful flab's
so disgusting i'm deep in abjection.
"
"i trash reputations for fun,
leaving victims upset and undone.
since i suffer from fell
halitosis, as well,
i can bad-mouth in more ways than one.
"
"i call for my pipe and my bowl,
but my butler's a butthead and droll.
so he brings me a fife
(not the joy of my life)
and a potty?he's out of control!
"
"the bowl that i use when i lave
is a vessel that's round and concave.
after washing my face,
i've no need to replace
any water in order to shave.
"
"if barbiturates happen to keep
you entrapped in sedation so deep
that a coma's a threat,
your physician might get
analeptics to counter the sleep.
"
"an areola garnered some fame
in a televised super bowl game.
as displayed on the tube,
it belonged to a boob
and miss jackson. (they're one and the same.)
"
"these soldiers were fighting a war,
but it's clear that they'll battle no more.
the body bags full
of our patriots pull
at our heartstrings and tear at our core.
"
"with a score of 300, you've bowled
something perfect?a game to behold.
overhead on the screen
there's an x to be seen
for the strike from each ball that you rolled.
"
"the top-rated teams in the polls
get invited to postseason bowls.
so much money's at stake
that most colleges make
getting quarterbacks one of their goals.
"
"a sip of this wine and i'm witty;
a few glasses more makes me flitty.
my ninth bardolino
is way too much vino,
'cause even the bouncer looks pretty.
"
"a baroreceptor's a cell
(or a group of them) able to tell
that the pressure it senses
has changed; it dispenses
a signal to neurons, as well.
"
"an antileukemic-type drug
can't kill off a virus or bug.
it's a treatment for cancer
of blood cells?the answer
for kids who need more than a hug.
"
"a bomb from a plane is en route
to the ground and deploys a ballute,
thus providing some drag
and avoiding a snag
when the time comes to open the chute.
"
"this razor is made out of steel,
with a single-edged band that could peel
off a layer of skin
from your chinny-chin-chin,
making shaving a painful ordeal.
"
"in the florence bargello, a chair
has upholstery showing some wear.
there's a zigzagging stitch
done in needlepoint, which
has a 17th-century flair.
"
"barcelona provided the name
(and an expo a measure of fame)
for a chair without arms,
but demonstrable charms?
for the elderly, weary, and lame.
"
"some musicians say backup is grand;
they don't care to be leading the band.
let the players up front
take the heat and the brunt
of the flak when the music gets panned.
"
"an elaborate kerosene lamp
is illuming the table at camp,
where a vagabond's banquet,
with bawdy and rank wit,
will brighten the life of this tramp.
"
"our cow has a pendulous bag
underneath her that's starting to sag.
haven't milked her this week,
so her life's pretty bleak?
it's an udder and absolute drag.
"
"bariatrics: the study of folks
so obese they're in danger of strokes.
they're excessively fat,
and a reason for that?
all the steaks and the cakes and the cokes!
"
"being boss is a heady affair,
and the word to describe it is rare:
with a threesome of s's,
this bossship impresses?
few others in english compare.
"
"a banana republic's control
by a despot is taking its toll
on those picking the fruit
while he's piling up loot
from del monte, chiquita, and dole.
"
"when i said i'm addicted to coke,
'twas of diet, not powder, i spoke.
i'm an aspartame fan?
downing bottle and can,
ten a day?and it's making me broke.
"
"the bahamas are right off our coast?
from miami, an hour at most.
the proximity's handy,
the beaches are sandy,
but look at me?white as a ghost!
"
"bush's policies seem, by design,
an attempt to ignore a decline
in the health of our poor
(who rate better, for sure).
such neglect seems malign, not benign.
"
"politicians are guarded and tight?
while in office?but afterwards might
work together and chill,
like george sr. and bill.
they're a pair of strange bedfellows, right?
"
"it's the set of assumptions i make
that support the position i take?
the foundation i'm laying,
my basis for saying,
""hey, buddy, go jump in a lake!""
"
"for a trinket, a bauble, a chain,
try a region in western ukraine.
in south zakarpats'ka,
a $10 tchotchke
sends $9.99 down the drain.
"
"some writers assume it's correct
that the readers of limericks expect
for the rhythm to come
in a clear da-da-dum,
so bean counting is worthless?a defect.
"
"some physicians are finding it tough
getting biomaterial?stuff
that prostheses contain.
of its cost, they complain,
""just an arm and a leg is enough!""
"
"biogeocoenoses are places
where creatures relate to the spaces
they live in, enjoy,
and might even employ
in a few ecological cases.
"
"if it's straightened or swept with a broom,
that won't make it a bioclean room.
you should keep within reach
disinfectants like bleach:
on bacteria, lower the boom!
"
"there are seraphim, cherubim, thrones,
principalities, virtues, and drones,*
dominions on towers,
archangels, and powers
in heaven's angelical zones.
"
"""the conductive adhesive i chose
is the kind having current that flows
in a single direction.
i'd call my selection,
well, anisotropic!"" he crows.
"
"to develop a taste, people say,
you adjust in a gradual way?
like my fondness for beer,
the result of a year
of imbibing two cases a day.
"
"biculturalism succeeds
if the attitudes, mores, and creeds
of two different groups
aren't so hostile their troops
rip a country apart and it bleeds.
"
"most mnemonics in math for my pop's
younger sister have proved to be flops.
please excuse my dear aunt?
sally's knowledge is scant
of the order of algebra ops.
"
"here's a bidialectism tip
for the cockney who's planning a trip
to el paso some day:
use a twang when you say,
""'owdy, pardner, ah'm english an' 'ip.""
"
"the big crunch is a future event
in which matter collapses?intent
on regaining the state
that preceded the great
first explosion. (there's time to repent!)
"
"many words start or end with a b,
but this board is too busy for me.
since i've nowhere to play
either b in my tray,
i'm b-leaguered in scrabble, u c.
"
"when people are pressured by crap,
elasticity means they won't snap.
with aero- before it
(it's hard to ignore it),
the wings on my plane seem to flap.
"
"these archaebacteria thrive
in a world where no others survive.
the milieu can be hot
or acidic; it's not
where you're likely to snorkel or dive.
"
"using apholate spells the demise
of some insects, like termites and flies.
it won't murder these pests,
but it quickly arrests
reproduction?no eggs can arise.
"
"pharmaceutical companies make
anticancer prescriptions we take.
in this quest for a cure,
can the motives be pure
given billions of bucks are at stake?
"
"the woman who worked as the acting
director now finds quite distracting
the ignorant slob
who's been given the job.
her revenge will be swift and exacting.
"
"bologna, boloney, baloney:
which spelling, if any, is phony?
every one is okay;
and i just gotta say
they're all nonsense and not pepperoni.
"
"an adversary process, perforce,
has opponents at odds, like divorce.
i've an ex that i dread
'cause she left in my bed
a reminder?the head of a horse.
"
"two pints of her blood have been drawn,
and her color's so wan she looks gone.
achromasia is bad,
but relief will be had,
because dracula's leaving at dawn.
"
"eighty-nine to a hundred-and-three
are the numbers (atomic) we see
for these metals that play
out in alpha decay,
leaving actinide series debris.
"
"have some mercy on me and my spouse
for the money we've sunk in this house.
it's a bottomless pit,
an abysm?unfit
for a man, although not for a mouse.
"
"a biotelemetric device
offers measurements?cool and precise.
from afar i can note
with my tv remote
that my wife is now colder than ice.
"
"when your brain waves are purring along
and your heart beats in time with a song,
you'll be happy to know
that these cadences show
that your biorhythmicity's strong.
"
"there are dangerous toxins around;
deleterious factors abound.
the environment's scary,
so humans are wary.
they'd rather not rest underground.
"
"biquinary numbers derive
from two systems?base 2 and base 5.
every decimal n
is expressible then
as a sum (if you're hip to the jive).
"
"to his sleigh through the snowbank, see santa lope;
he's replacing the reindeer with antelope,
which consist of a gnu,
an impala or two,
and a kudu who's chewing a cantaloupe.
"
"this chamber has climate control,
and the creature inside is a mole.
though its biotron life
is devoid of all strife,
the aloneness is taking a toll.
"
"with his kitchen all business and bustle,
a billi-bi cook has to hustle.
he's knocked for a loop
getting cream for the soup,
and he whines about pulling a mussel.
"
"a spelunker is drawing our raves
for his studies of grottos and graves.
subterranean finds
have been opening minds
to the creatures inhabiting caves.
"
"biomedicine seeks to apply
biochemistry's methods, and i
am delighted there'll be
better living for thee.
(as for me, i'm preparing to die.)
"
"allenella's a species of rare
oecophoridae moths in the air,
but it's also a clam,
hymenopteran (damn!),
and a word with a palindrome's flair.
"
"when the thorn was removed from the hide
of the lion, young androcles sighed,
for the lion was lean
and an eating machine,
who went home and then swallowed his pride.
"
"if you gag at the thought of consumin'
an egg with its icky albumen,
then eat just the yolk,
'cause the white is a joke
without curry, tabasco, or cumin.
"
"could this plane simply drop from the skies?
am i facing my final demise?
is my testament signed?
all these run through his mind
when the typical aerophobe flies.
"
"when flowers won't blossom or swell,
they faultily form where they dwell;
and their growth is abortive,
like verses so sportive
their time is now over as well.
"
"the feds had a ness on the clock,
while the scots have a ness that's a loch.
saying ""accurateness""
(with fourth-syllable stress)
ain't exact or correct. it's a crock.
"
"the world's highest summit is near,
and this sherpa is chewing my ear,
spewing maxims non-stop
as we trudge to the top.
am i climbing mount aphorist here?
"
"when i transferred my land in the turks
to new owners, they asked about perks,
so i threw in the deed
to my boat (and some weed).
that's how alienability works.
"
"my absolver has freed me from sin,
but saint peter won't let me come in.
here i'm stuck at the gate
with a terrible fate:
i've forgotten my password and pin!
"
"let's face it, i know i'm a lush,
getting red in the face as i rush
to imbibe every day
three carafes of ros?.
like the vino i drink, i'm ablush.
"
"rues a native of nassau named damien,
""they can't build a coffin to lay me in!""
it's the carpenter's fear:
fabricating a bier
for a 300-kilo bahamian.
"
"an iraqi who strolled down a path
met a kidnapper driven by wrath.
said the latter, ""you're sunni;
i'm shi'ite (and loony),
so i guess i'll be taking a baath.""
"
"you see them in uttar pradesh
wearing hot pants and stockings of mesh.
i'm a passionate guy.
they are prostitutes. why
would i buy such a bai? for the flesh!
"
"the acocanthera are trees yer
will find causing cardiac seizure.
their poison is strong,
so it doesn't belong
with the drugs yer been takin' at leisure.
"
"dr. abbott put spores in a goo
known as alkaline methylene blue.
then some legerdemain
with an eosin stain
brought bacilli (turned pink) into view.
"
"many antitubercular drugs
fight those mycobacteria?bugs
that are spread every day.
my defense is to stay
far away, so i seldom give hugs.
"
"my boss is a boob and a boor,
one whose manners are worse than just poor.
you might ask, with this slob,
why i stay on the job.
it's the six-figure paycheck, i'm sure.
"
"the fractures, contusions, and welts
are the products of punches and belts.
a child has been battered;
this syndrome has shattered
her life, and your heart simply melts.
"
"this element's used to combine
with salicylate, making those fine
pharmaceutical potions
for colon commotions.
(ain't nobody's bismuth but mine.)
"
"both j-lo and a-rod are known
by those hip appellations alone.
if a holeburg named al
were a jerk, might a gal
call him a-hole and cast the first stone?
"
"the universe started, they say,
with a cosmic explosion one day.
the big bang is a theory
whose name makes me leery
of double entendres at play.
"
"we'll go to torino this year,
where i'll watch the biathlon and cheer
for the skiers who shoot,
as my wife spends my loot
in buy-athlons by shopping for gear.
"
"geometrical figures are spaces
surrounded by sides known as faces.
if the figures can rest
on these sides, that's the test:
then the faces are serving as bases.
"
"our cousin the priest is an anglican?
a scrawny, episcopal, gangly kin.
to build up his weight,
we put pie on his plate
and each evening he's lemon meringue lickin'.
"
"a best-efforts basis may please
the investor: the banker agrees
that he'll manage the sale
of a stock, though he'll fail
to provide any firm guarantees.
"
"a base or a number that's raised
to an integer leaves me unfazed.
when the exponent's n,
i can solve it by pen?
with a fraction, i tend to get dazed.
"
"jakob's crimes were especially vile,
say the charges recorded on file.
the court that will sit
has two outcomes?acquit
or convict him. (bernoulli's on trial.)
"
"a boy in iran tells his ma he
has planned to become a baha'i.
he'll recruit in sudan,
spread the word in japan,
and then work on his tan in hawai'i.
"
"my dreadlocks were out of control;
then i spotted a barbershop pole.
i went in for a snip,
but came out like a dip
with my hair in the shape of a bowl.
"
"there's the wassail, the goldfish, the punch,
and the soup and the finger at lunch.
you may notice my goal's
a whole series of bowls.
(oh yeah, cereal bowl?cap'n crunch.)
"
"the black nationalists challenge the man:
""yes, we've had it with you and your klan.
we're asserting our rights
to be free of you whites
and don't care if the sheet hits the fan.""
"
"one-to-one correspondence, for sets,
is an intimate link; and it gets
even better, they say,
when it goes either way.
biuniqueness both aids and abets.
"
"in the bronx, ambisexual means,
like, your ""heteroflexible"" scenes
and becoming ""bi-queer""
for a week or a year.
(those are terms used by stuyvesant teens.)
"
"""it's karate your children should learn,""
says my buddy, a black belt named verne.
""martial arts may be key,
but the classes ain't free,""
counters me (with no money to burn).
"
"i've heard that a queenslander bloke
uses kelp in a mind-blowing smoke.
over coral he'll troll
for the seaweed, then roll
a few barrier reefers to toke.
"
"an airplane with trailers aboard
carries resin that's packaged and stored.
it's a birdyback flight
hauling cargo that might,
when it lands, find its vinyl reward.
"
"you were quite unaware of the menaces
of bioelectro, uh, genesis.
then a shock from an eel
to your groin made you reel
as if hit by a ball (one of tennis's).
"
"the kiss was our first, and my heart
skipped a couple of beats at the start.
but it soon went amuck
when our bite plates got stuck.
it took dentists to pull us apart!
"
"as you fly through the sky you may find
there's a whoosh, and you've got one behind.
aam is this danger,
just fired by a stranger.
a miss'll be what's on your mind.
"
"the methods our farmers employ
have increased the production of soy.
and they're bioorganic,
so no one should panic.
aren't natural foods such a joy?
"
"in the paint is a player who hoards
lots of rebounds and frequently lords
over centers so tall
they should grab every ball.
he's a guard who loves clearing the boards.
"
"my derby's a place where my cat
likes to sit, and it's now a bit flat.
so i'll take it on down
to a man in our town
who's an expert at blocking a hat.
"
"the cells, say my doctor, are blastic,
imperfectly formed and dysplastic.
leukemia looms
(as do hospital rooms).
let's just say that this news ain't fantastic.
"
"my justice league grandson gets faster
at shooting his ""energy blaster.""
who cares if it's merely
a stick? because clearly?
of fantasy, jason's a master.
"
"my golf ball is buried in sand
at the front of the trap where i stand.
i keep blasting away
with my wedge, so today
let's just say that my score won't be grand.
"
"he's content to be bopping along
as his boom box is blasting a song.
that's not good for his ears;
he'll be deaf in some years.
would my joy from that knowledge be wrong?
"
"vice president cheney has come
under fire after blasting a chum
on a hunt down in texas.
the shooting perplexes?
but worse, staying mum appeared dumb.
"
"a switch with a couple of states
(only two equilibria, mates)
has been tagged with a label:
it's known as bistable,
which speaks to just one of its traits.
"
"there are disciplines under attack?
universities taking some flak.
to the folks on the right,
ethnic study's a blight,
be it asian, latino, or black.
"
"the negroes refuse to be cowed
as they struggle for freedom, unbowed.
they give voice to their blackness
and sharp-as-a-tackness
by shouting, ""we're black and we're proud!""
"
"in da 'hood, every bro wants a mate
with a backside (da rackside don't rate).
every playah and punk
loves da junk in da trunk.
bootyliciousness! yo, she looks great!
"
"abrogation means treating as void
all those treaties we don't want deployed.
at guantanamo bay
(many neocons say),
the geneva convention annoyed.
"
"an acquittal implies we acquit,
though another noun once was legit.
i doubt oj'd have walked
if cochran had squawked,
""vote acquitment: the glove doesn't fit!""
"
"in kansas, you're likely to find
that the cattle are paying no mind
to the quarrel and beef
about christians' belief
that the kine are divinely designed.
"
"he bats from both sides of the plate,
swinging lefty and righty of late.
he's a slugger with wood,
and he wishes he could
get some balls down the middle and straight.
"
"the qb is allowed to decline
any play of the coach's design.
if the cornerbacks show
they're expecting the throw,
then an audible's called at the line.
"
"an affix: the part we remove
from, or add to, a word. let me prove:
when surveillance is tailless,
the cops can surveil us ?
by putting a tail on each move.
"
"if we'd rather not go on a cruise,
then aloha's the airline we choose.
we can hop to lanai
and oahu or fly
to kauai to soak up the views.
"
"with anagrams, fun is in store.
they disclose what is hidden?and more.
""george bush"" is a name
where the letters seem tame,
but they also can spell ""he bugs gore.""
"
"it's wicked to mock the afflicted?
the lame, the unwell, the addicted.
when you stand at the gates,
hoping heaven awaits,
you'll be tried by st. pete and convicted.
"
"when the windflower wilts in gethsemane
and the weeds are regaining hegemony,
the gardener will turn
to the cinnamon fern.
with a frond like this, who needs anemone?
"
"my body mechanics were weak,
and they laughed at my geeky physique.
so i switched to karate
and picked up a hottie
who taught me a naughty technique.
"
"""blogonomics? hey, gimme a break!
it's a science? go jump in a lake!""
so i said to a buddy
who showed me a study
of blogs and the money they make.
"
"on the soup cans i noticed the rust,
and there's mold on the bread near the crust.
i'll be passing tonight
on the dinner, all right?
i don't want to be biting the dust.
"
"a waterside inn's personnel
serve the showy, the chic, and the swell.
guests arrive at the dock
in their yachts and then flock
to the door of this four-star boatel.
"
"a self-proclaimed expert on wine
said affectedly, ""yes, it's divine!
puligny montrachet,
from its fruity bouquet.""
(it was ripple we poured, by design.)
"
"biosatellites circled the earth,
hauling humans and apes round its girth.
we engaged in a race
to be first into space:
critics questioned its prudence and worth.
"
"christian scientists tend to get heady
when hearing the call to be ready.
inspiration from god
means an angel will prod
and exhort them to listen to eddy.
"
"i awake with my ass in a cast,
only vaguely recalling the blast.
since i'm lucky today
to be living, i pray
that that firework i sat on's my last!
"
"a humorist's plying his trade,
and his comedy's black as a spade.
it's ironic, grotesque,
with a bit of burlesque.
human folly is skewered and flayed.
"
"in cuba, a tease known as anna
is eating a yellow banana.
that's a fruit with appeal
(a lascivious meal!).
all the men drive with zeal to havana.
"
"the austrian adolf f. brix
was a master of chemistry tricks.
his hydrometer scale
gives us measured detail?
how much sugar there is in this mix.
"
"we spy on the river below
at the enemy guarding the po.
their fortifications
are sandbag creations?
a bridgehead we're planning to blow.
"
"from a bridgehead we made on the beach,
all our soldiers rushed into the breach,
but too many were felled
as the enemy held,
so our grasp was well short of our reach.
"
"many companies, often remote,
do their business by email or note.
brick-and-mortar concerns
are the firms that one turns
to for ""quote"" direct service ""unquote.""
"
"i'm laying these blocks on the floor
and the ceilings and walls, and what's more,
if those creatures i spied
try to slither inside,
then i'll brick up the windows and door.
"
"for a job, it's construction he picks?
building walls, learning all of the tricks.
he's a bricklayer who
is a union man, too?
now on strike and out hitting the bricks.
"
"it's material builders might pick,
a magnanimous fellow or chick,
a rectangular mass,
or a gaffe by an ass:
these are four of the meanings of brick.
"
"the times of the day for my reverie
are canonical hours, where every
hymn that i read
fuels a passion and need
for the lord through my psalm book, a breviary.
"
"""be sharp!"" was a phrase from gillette
and the friday-night fights on the set.
but b-sharp is a tone?
like a ring on the phone
or a note on trombone or cornet.
"
"the boundary marked by the trees
that are blazed with those hatchet-hewn v's
is the back line, which shows
just how far felling goes.
up to that, loggers cut as they please.
"
"the alternative medicine fan
gives conventional practice the pan.
he maliciously mocks
the allopathists?docs
who can't treat the diseases of man.
"
"in osaka i tripped on a vase.
as it broke, i fell flat on my face.
so i'm there on the floor
in a bizen ware store
with ceramic all over the place.
"
"a waiter in china, pu lee,
now awaits by his postbox with three
little letters to mail,
but he's destined to fail,
since pu lee's missed the postman, you see.
"
"the bruins of boston were great
in the '70s?early, not late.
a defenseman named orr
(bobby wore #4)
used to score at a staggering rate.
"
"hearing cops, i did something quite rash?
went and buried my cannabis cache.
can't remember, alas,
where i hid it, and grass
makes a biodegradable stash!
"
"""ipanema"": this music cassette's
from the '60s?the days of nymphettes
on the beach and the sweet
bossa nova, whose beat
by gilberto was good as it getz!
"
"hear the clanking and rumbles of cogs
as the barking drum tumbles the logs.
all the billets are stripped
of their bark, which is shipped
to the chipper (along with the frogs).
"
"the bank holds the logs that we've cut
that are extra. by busting a gut,
we've gone over (not met)
the new quota they set.
does this gladden us? anything but!
"
"the backcut's his last cut of all?
on the opposite side of the fall.
he will hack at the tree,
give a push, and it's free.
then the logger makes ""timber!"" his call.
"
"the buds and the leaves on the boughs,
like the shoots, can be eaten by cows.
they're the parts of a tree
many loggers agree
are a waste, and they're known as the browse.
"
"bioscientists study our lives.
anthropologists count up our wives.
sociologists know
how relationships go?
yet my doc can't explain why i've hives!
"
"biopolymers form in your system;
when needed, your muscles enlist 'em.
they're glucose and starches?
on long-distance marches,
your body will know if it's missed 'em.
"
"the beautiful date on my arm
i asked out with a ""hey, where's the harm?""
is as thrilled as can be
playing tenpins with me,
'cause i'm bowling her over with charm.
"
"miss lopez left ben; and her halo
was slipping a bit, so she lay low.
now she's out of the dark
and is making her marc,
who loves jennifer (a.k.a. j-lo).
"
"on each molar i've mounted a sheath
with a minuscule gun underneath,
while each canine is capped
with explosives, then wrapped.
you might say that i'm armed to the teeth.
"
"there's a method these therapists use
that may help with your alcohol blues.
as you look at a bock,
they deliver a shock,
which can build an aversion to booze.
"
"a lumberjack harvesting wood
went and felled every tree that he could.
he was after the trunks,
not the branchwood?that junk's
what gets chipped or discarded for good.
"
"a cross-sectional slice of a tree
(in square feet) to the logger is key.
it's the area known
as the basal and shown
to predict how much lumber there'll be.
"
"a bearing tree sits in a stand,
and upon it is noted what's planned.
the surveyors have left,
and we'll soon be bereft
'cause they won't leave a tree on this land.
"
"if that restaurant's serving a beer
that they brew in a vat in the rear,
and they're making the ale
that they offer for sale
with the food, it's a brewpub, you hear?
"
"stephen breyer's a judge on a court
that americans like to support
when we think a decision
accords with our vision?
like, say, it's okay to abort.
"
"""un, deux, trois,. . ."" said anthelme, as he placed
a few c?pes in his signature paste
for the king's coq au vin.
to brillat-savarin,
there was surely a counting for taste.
"
"you're convinced that his argument lacks
a foundation in practical facts,
so you get his attention
and pointedly mention
it's time to get down to brass tacks.
"
"ebola and anthrax are two
of the weapons they're said to pursue.
bioterrorists may
be a danger today,
but there's nothing so far but ado.
"
"the bubbly i sip from my flute
has a kick and a certain repute.
it's champagne that contains
little sugar and reigns
as the driest of all, known as brut.
"
"a bowlegged fellow sees beauty in
a large-breasted, thong-wearing cutie in
a commonwealth isle,
so he flashes a smile.
he's a bandy and randy bermudian.
"
"up the slope at top of the heap
is a ballhooter earning his keep.
in the lumberjack trade,
he's the worker who's paid
to roll logs down the hills that are steep.
"
"there's a logger whose job is to trim,
from the trees that are felled, every limb.
called a limber or brusher,
he's rarely a rusher,
'cause blunders with chainsaws are grim.
"
"i've no butt i can bandy about
since i've taken the dieting route.
after months i can see
(at a hundred-and-three)
that my weight may be bottoming out.
"
"bed-and-breakfasts are popular inns;
when i visit, my morning begins
with a lovely repast
(eaten slowly, not fast),
and it ends with two tonic-and-gins.
"
"the well in our yard has been free
of water since 1903.
we've used it instead
to bury our dead.
it's as bone-dry a place as can be.
"
"the breakfasters eating today
were expecting a lavish buffet,
but there's only one egg
(costs an arm and a leg)
and a juice at this ritzy chalet.
"
"of choking, i'm deathly afraid,
so the meat that i eat is filleted.
since the haddock is bony,
i'll order calzone
with fish, but then have it pur?ed.
"
"boneheadedness runs in my kin;
we have skulls that are thick and not thin.
our grandfather's brain
was so small, we explain,
it could fit on the head of a pin.
"
"you're skinny and scrawny and lean;
not a smidgen of flesh can be seen.
being bony, at night
you can pass by a light,
and it acts like an x-ray machine!
"
"the batter is digging right in,
so the fun is about to begin.
i'll be brushing him back
with a pitch he can't whack?
baseball music to tune up his chin.
"
"is the humerus funny or not?
that's a subject that's heavy and hot
at physicians' conventions:
this bone of contention's
put upper-arm docs on the spot.
"
"a handy percussionist hones
his adroitness with sticks, making tones:
there's a clickity rhythm
he generates with 'em.
this artist is playin' dem bones.
"
"my ulna, a subject, the core,
or a die that i toss on the floor;
an ivory bar
that makes rhythm the star;
and a color: all bones i adore!
"
"since the swiss favor holes in their cheese,
as their host i'll be aiming to please
with some soft, ripened kinds
of fromage that have rinds.
here's a gun?let's start shooting the bries.
"
"there's a batrachotoxin in frogs
that inhabit bolivian bogs.
it's a venom so strong
that it doesn't take long
to dispatch any frog-eating hogs.
"
"a body check slows or impedes
your opponent, but sometimes it breeds
the avenging reply
of an eye for an eye
(although not from those chickens, the swedes).
"
"as a modern abortionist, one
finds one's day is not brimful of fun:
there's the death of a fetus
(a solemn quietus),
and ""watch it! that guy's got a gun!""
"
"women's beachwear has changed through the years,
from the time a bare ankle drew leers
through the one-piece and (wow!)
the bikini to now?
with the thong, they're exposing their rears!
"
"akiba ben joseph was known
for rabbinical studies, his own.
as a sage and a martyr,
not many were smarter.
aggadic midrashim he'd hone.
"
"a booze-bingeing martian mammalian
who's running for mayor says daily in
speeches that we
oughta join in his spree.
here's his pitch: ""vote for me! back an alien!""
"
"i perform acrobatics on high.
loop the loop through the air, how i fly!
with the greatest of ease,
i can do as i please
on the rope and trapeze?even die.
"
"while welding, i said to him, ""mark, i
am scared for your safety. that spark i
employ is too bright.
wear a mask or you might
suffer corneal flash burns (or arc eye).""
"
"aphrodite's the word we'll review.
we hear afro, a black or brown hue,
which is coupled with dydee,
a diaper to tidy.
brown diaper? the goddess of poo!
"
"being clever's a glorious trait
and explains your promotions to date;
but such brightness can wear
on your colleagues?take care!
tone it down or you're getting the gate.
"
"it's a life science filling a void,
and its products are truly enjoyed.
when your nerves are unsound,
engineering has found
electronics are aptly employed.
"
"in a sentence, a transitive verb
has been given a subject (a serb),
and an action is made
that's directly conveyed
to an object (a joint filled with herb).
"
"associations are easy to make,
but a few can be risky to break.
when a guy in the mob
tries to quit, it's my job
to deposit his corpse in a lake.
"
"as a father, i've learned that resiliency
is what i must have when the brilliancy
my son won't display
in the classroom each day
means this grade's not an a, but his millionth c.
"
"they're chocolaty, nutty, and square,
and in college were fun to prepare.
marijuana was mixed
in the brownies we fixed.
when we ate them, we floated on air.
"
"all hospitals keep it in stock?
anesthesia that acts as a block,
interrupting the train
of the pain to your brain
and explaining your love for the doc.
"
"there's a chef in the army named jeff,
a gourmet who is sightless and deaf.
every doctor who took
a good look at this cook
(and his food!) said he can't be 4-f.
"
"using junk from my cluttered garage,
i have planned for a grand vernissage.
my exhibit is free
and you're welcome to see
how debris can become bricolage.
"
"many royals at buckingham frown
at the prince, who's been playing the clown.
if he doesn't get wise,
when elizabeth dies
they're denying this bozo the crown.
"
"this american songbird's a pest;
where there's rice, he's an unwanted guest.
still the bobolink sings
every place that he wings?
north and south he refeathers his nest.
"
"the horses of thoroughbred breeding
(the colts and the fillies there feeding)
are known as the bloodstock
(my best, not my dud stock)
and soon will be racehorses speeding.
"
"if you feel like you're ready to ride
in the sky on the star you just spied,
and your fate is about
to occur, there's no doubt
that your destiny's fit to betide.
"
"it's compressed to a flammable mass
that gives barbeque grilling some class.
for a cookout, i'm set
on the charcoal briquette.
(only fools use electric or gas.)
"
"the binding of feet hit its stride
when in china it served to provide
a young woman a trace
of imperial grace.
many girls, many feet to be tied.
"
"the telly and horses are set,
as i light up a charcoal briquette.
there's shrimp on the barbie;
i'm watching the derby;
much better my life couldn't get.
"
"bread and circuses served to allay
discontent on the appian way,
while today we pay bread
(at a hundred a head!)
to get happy at cirque du soleil.
"
"the river the swiss call the aar
will meander, but never get far
from the canton of bern,
whose inhabitants learn
all its turns as they cross it by car.
"
"there's a stagehand (a bit of a souse)
in the wings who neglected to douse
the cigar he left back
by the dynamite shack,
which in no time will bring down the house.
"
"there are tariffs and levies on gas
paid by people regardless of class,
but those high-ranking folks
spouting gas are such jokes
that it's time we get down to tax brass.
"
"i'm attending a school of ballet,
where i work at the handrail by day;
but by night i push booze
in a club as i schmooze.
i'm a barre girl and bar girl, i'd say.
"
"abusage, long dead, was revived
in the 40s; since then it has thrived.
eric partridge made use
of this word for abuse
to mean language that's falsely contrived.
"
"a bully who suffered no fool
liked to brawl every day after school.
a belligerent smoker,
he'd taunt any joker
by blowing his kools and his cool.
"
"the armor that served as a guard
would be better to doff and discard.
it's so heavy he lies
where he fell?and can't rise.
he's been hoist with his own knight's petard.
"
"dad's sisters are nitro savants?
of knowledge of bombs, they are fonts.
more amazing, these sisses
help mohels do brises:
my dynamite, cutting brisance!
"
"if you're planning to go for a run,
then a bouldery park is no fun.
being covered with stones,
it's a threat to your bones.
and your limbs? you could bruise every one.
"
"from the bark of a tree comes a drink;
it's a soda like root beer, not wink.
though i savor vanilla
and crave sarsaparilla,
this birch beer goes straight in the sink.
"
"an enzyme your bloodstream contains
helps a hormone to break from its chains.
it's angiotensinase,
known for dispensin' ace
vasoconstrictors in veins.
"
"hey, your boneheaded skull is so thick
it reminds me of mortar and brick!
you're as dense as the wall
i've been climbing from all
of those fights you continue to pick!
"
"it's a number of shares of a stock,
or a cubical section of rock;
an obstruction you dread,
or a toy, or your head.
these are five of the meanings of block.
"
"she was boning her corset for days
while inserting its twenty-odd stays.
now she's tugged and she's squeezed,
got it on; and she's pleased:
how a twenty-inch waist can amaze!
"
"it's back talk and guff they demand
from a cook at a hamburger stand.
but i've never had sass
(being brought up with class),
so my sasslessness might get me canned.
"
"in the ocean (but not in the pond)
lives the clown fish, who's fervently fond
of actinia. still,
he pretends there's a chill:
""sea anemone? she's just a frond.""
"
"the tears are beginning to well
in her eyes, and how quickly the spell
of the beautiful miss
(and that promise of bliss)
has turned into the bawl of the belle!
"
"agent orange strips leaves from a tree
with the herbicide 2,4,5-t,
but its trace of dioxin?
a chemical toxin?
is linked to the lethal big c.
"
"ms. streisand appears on the bill
at the met in an opera?a thrill!
she is driven each night
to the show in a white
caddy limo called ""barbra's seville.""
"
"in french, bois de vache is a phrase
for our buffalos' meadow displays.
it means ""wood of the cow,""
like the patties that now
are adorning the field where they graze.
"
"the frog that i had as a pet
looked a lot like a charcoal briquette.
i've been skewering meat
at the grill, and the treat
for today will be frog en brochette.
"
"from java the prisoners came
to johannesburg, gaining acclaim
for their stew, rich in meat
and tomatoes?a treat
that's called bredi (an african name).
"
"if you're cutting a tree and you find
that your saw is beginning to bind
('cause the sides of the cut
start to pinch and abut),
like a logger, keep wedges in mind.
"
"he's a guy who is tall (that's the best height)
with muscles that bulge under stress?tight
and sinewy, buffed.
so who cares if he's stuffed
in a dress? he's a hunky transvestite.
"
"a boxer as brash as can be
by the name of muhammad ali
garnered fame for a gloat
and a claim: ""i can float
like a butterfly, sting like a bee.""
"
"there's a deer showing brio and pluck
by outrunning the herd in the ruck,
thereby catching the eye
of a doe, by the by,
who is looking to make a fast buck.
"
"the minister's sermon was wooly,
a boisterous message meant fully
to urge and exhort
women not to abort.
he was using his pulpit to bully.
"
"an arborist labored all night,
as he sprayed every leaf-eating mite.
he wore spikes (twenty-three),
so he tore up the tree,
and its bark is now worse than its blight.
"
"in lanai, dad's an ex-illinoisan
making malt using berries of boysen:
""my beverage won't sell
without taro as well?
one man's mead is another man's poi, son.""
"
"i'll remain at your call and your beck,
and your bidding i'll do in a sec.
but by snoozing all day
in my vampirish way,
i'm now peckish for pecks on your neck.
"
"""it's their signature neckwear,"" he pledged,
""worn by mafia bosses and edged
with the finest of silk.""
but i've heard he's a bilk,
since his mob ties are merely alleged.
"
"biological agents, we've heard,
will be weapons that can't be deterred.
bioterror's a threat
from al-qaeda, and yet
not a single attack has occurred.
"
"each morning begins with a poll,
and we read from the names on the scroll,
shouting ""bagel!"" then ""bun!""
and ""bialy!""?it's fun.
how we bakers love calling the roll!
"
"in arkansas, people say phooey
to big-city folks from st. looey.
the razorback hog
is the mascot they flog
at athletic events, calling ""sooie!""
"
"my body needs iron a lot:
a deficiency, that's what i've got.
so i'm biting the bullet
by eating a pullet
i recently peppered with shot.
"
"harry truman was moved to confess
to his daughter of mother's distress.
""have no fear, margaret dear,
for the buck will stop here;
she'll get better. your father knows bess.""
"
"when boredom begins to appear,
a repetitive song fills my ear.
at a hundred it starts:
from the wall one departs,
leaving ninety-nine bottles of beer.
"
"here are things with an apposite fit:
for a writer of humor, it's wit;
for an archer, a bow.
and what's so apropos
for a witch? why, an icy-cold tit!
"
"heavy metal is dark as can be;
disco's dorky?frivolity-free.
i find rhythm and blues
too depressing to choose,
so it's bubble-gum music for me!
"
"a boneheaded batter named ed
just got killed getting drilled in the head.
now i mean no offense,
but ol' ed was so dense,
in a sense, he was already dead.
"
"for the verses he writes and enjoys,
a thesaurus jack horner employs.
first he sticks in his thumb,
then he pulls out aplomb!
(that's a word that has come to mean ""poise."")
"
"many words of the bard, it appears,
seared a bowdler's victorian ears.
it was harriet, though
(and not thomas, her bro),
who would edit those arses to rears.
"
"i trekked through the highlands with maps
that were riddled with errors and gaps.
every scot i'd accost
told me, ""aiblins you're lost.""
that's a town or a river, perhaps?
"
"in the winter we're always awash
in the bottle-shaped butternut squash,
but the rumor i'm bored
with this buff-colored gourd
and its orangey flesh is just bosh!
"
"a byname is something you take
when your parents have made a mistake,
like the dancer named gay
who informed us today
that his nom de ballet will be jake.
"
"a button man acts on the wishes
of mafia bosses; he dishes
out pain for the mob
in a low-ranking job.
you refuse him, you sleep with the fishes.
"
"i have a conventional mate,
a traditional guy?very straight,
but at times he'll get mean
and start venting his spleen.
such a button-down choler can grate.
"
"though the sound of the powerboat blared,
the blue heron just stood there and stared.
for this beautiful bird,
many things went unheard.
was he blue being heron-impaired?
"
"a mandolin, bass, and guitar
join a banjo and fiddle to spar.
it's an improvised way
for musicians to play
and make bluegrass (not country) the star.
"
"abu-ghraib is a place i deplore
(think mistreatment of prisoners of war).
i'm not making excuses
for soldiers' abuses,
but al-qaeda has brutalized more.
"
"abu-ghraib is a prison where shock
and abuse were applied round the clock.
what the powers-that-be
told the guards is the key:
that geneva convention's a crock!
"
"i go straight for a stall with a door
in a bathroom or loo at a store.
if you're seventy-nine
with a prostate like mine,
standing up means you pee on the floor.
"
"for my colleagues, a brown bagger's fun
and a time for more work to get done.
we're a hard-driving bunch
who will labor at lunch.
(that's the boss there who's holding the gun.)
"
"when a fetus comes forth prematurely
and struggles for life, doing poorly,
it's said to abort.
when gestation's cut short,
then a pregnancy's dangerous, surely.
"
"behavioral science is apt.
it describes how a man might adapt
to the acts of another,
including his mother.
(those guilt trips explain why i snapped.)
"
"b?la bart?k's a subject i hear
violinists discuss over beer.
this hungarian wrote
a concerto of note,
which the orchestra's bar talk makes clear.
"
"there are states who've seen fit to design
college funds for your children and mine.
with these plans, parents save
before junior can shave:
let's invest in a 529!
"
"our draft claims he's richer than croesus?
a possibly spurious thesis.
in light of my doubt,
i could edit it out
or perhaps add a quick athetesis.
"
"abiotrophy's wasting away,
as when tissue and cells start to fray.
i've hit seventy-three
and seen all i can see,
so i'm stopping that process today.
"
"in bilbao all the natives have fun?
some will sail, others bake till they're done.
while the former might play
on the bay of biscay,
it's the latter who basque in the sun.
"
"some spiders will try to entrance,
even charm the antennae off ants.
it's a serious case
that arachnids can face
when they lust for acerous romance.
"
"many paleontology schools
will refer to bifacial-type tools.
those with round cutting edges
weren't good for the hedges?
so learned some acheulean fools.
"
"there's a subject resistant to humor?
this cancer we know as the tumor.
its growth can be drastic,
in fact, neoplastic.
i'm anti- (opposed to) this doomer!
"
"there are biopics getting some play
for an oscar this year, critics say.
though i liked walk the line
and capote's divine,
neither one is sufficiently gay.
"
"my collection of records was vast,
but in time i lost all i'd amassed.
so today, with them gone,
when the radio's on,
i enjoy hearing blasts from the past.
"
"all the feds you're exposing will bristle
to learn you've gone public; and this'll
be certain to end
your employment, my friend.
that's the blowback from blowing the whistle.
"
"first my girlfriend is sexy and bold,
then she chooses for days to withhold.
then she turns up the heat,
then it's back to cold feet.
in the bedroom, she blows hot and cold.
"
"i'm down in the dumps with the bluesman,
that sad-about-paying-my-duesman.
my spirits are low,
so i'm tempted to go
to the bar and imbibe with the boozeman.
"
"a mothering brisling declared
to a little one, ""don't get ensnared
in the net by the pier.""
but the sprat didn't hear
for it seems he was herring-impaired.
"
"the audience oohs in an awed way
and aahs in a quick-to-applaud way.
on stage are the pros
who can light up the shows
we see open and close along broadway.
"
"her cheeks show a roseate flare.
in my camera, the light makes a glare.
there's a coating of gray
on the chocolate? no way!
it's a three-kinds-of-bloomin' affair!
"
"the armor they wore when they sparred
was for keeping their biceps unscarred.
every knight in a tussle
protected that muscle
by wearing a metal brassard.
"
"it's an entity likely to draw,
from the masses, misgivings and awe.
body corporate's the term
for a business or firm
that can act as a person by law.
"
"in 52 pickup (the game),
making fun of your brother's the aim.
throw the cards on the floor,
then inform him his chore
is the clean-up or taking the blame.
"
"when the folks who are smartest depart,
then a national downslide can start.
such an intellect drain
makes for trouble and strain.
without brains, many countries lose heart.
"
"the neck of a bottle goes far
as a way to make sounds on guitar.
up and down it can slide
on the strings to provide
a glissando effect that's bizarre.
"
"body-centered, this atom's inside
of the crystal and fit to be tied?
to its corners, all eight,
each adorned with a mate.
(that's one lattice whose status i've eyed.)
"
"to focus my thinking, i'll furrow
my brow and i'll try to be thorough.
there are five in new yawk
(that's the way people tawk),
while alaska has many a borough.
"
"a switzerland bank says i'll earn
all the interest with little concern
that the feds can acquire
the date of my wire,
so soon i'll have money to bern.
"
"after building his body, a greek
had a brawny and knotty physique.
since he took up pilates
and hooked up with hotties,
he's looking more limber and sleek.
"
"in his resum?, senator bill
mentions princeton and capitol hill.
between them he passes
through rhodes-scholar'd classes.
the knicks? they're played down, if you will.
"
"when the temperature plummets, a fur
is considered by dames de rigueur.
a chinchilla or mink
keeps them toasty, i think,
'cause you never hear any say ""brrrr!""
"
"hordes of tourists and visitors flock
to an outcrop named ayers (it's a rock).
but we're getting there late,
aborigines state,
as to them we're new kids on the block.
"
"she's the patron of young virgin girls,
with their dollies and hair up in curls.
when at twelve agnes died
(nicknamed jesus's ""bride""),
she saw gates that were covered in pearls.
"
"after little league, on to babe ruth!
this is baseball for teenagers?youth
still in love with the game,
not addicted to fame
like pro athletes. how ruthful this truth!
"
"after catching and cleaning a fish
(leaving scales as they are, if you wish),
you can simmer some water
and poach it, which oughta
make fish cooked au bleu as your dish.
"
"bioresearch on animals takes
lots of moxie these days 'cause it makes
certain activists mad.
with their antics, they've had
many scientists hitting the brakes.
"
"bricklehampton's a village whose name
is enough to ensure its acclaim.
it's a worcestershire town
with this offbeat renown:
of its letters, no two are the same.
"
"the opponent's best hitter's up last.
now the fans in the stands are aghast
when the pitch to the plate
is too fat and its fate
is a ruthian, fence-clearing blast.
"
"there are drugs that reduce the proclivity
of men to engage in lascivity.
a source i just checked
says this kind of effect
is an instance of bioactivity.
"
"i'm blessed with a special physique
and a talent both odd and unique.
i've discovered the art
of conversing by fart!
it's a strange body language i speak.
"
"says yahweh's top scribe, ""don't be shy.
make that line on revenge really fly!
since 'a tooth for a tooth'
doesn't tell the whole truth,
add 'an eye for an eye,' adonai.""
"
"the pitch of this sound isn't deep,
but it's short and repeats as i sleep.
i awake to a curse
from my wife, who's a nurse.
both alarm clocks and spouses can bleep!
"
"the higher the butterfat goes
in the ice cream i eat, i suppose,
then the better the chance
i'll be buying new pants
as the fatter the butt on me grows.
"
"when you claim or assume for another
(like grandfather, uncle, or mother)
the right to this sand,
then you arrogate land
that is mine?so be careful there, brother.
"
"antipoverty programs were splendid?
intended so need would be ended.
you might reckon our poor
would have vanished for sure,
for the billions of bucks we've expended.
"
"atocha's a station in spain
where you might catch a passenger train.
it's a jewel of madrid
fundamentalists bid
to destroy, hoping terror would reign.
"
"an emergency broadcast we did
says america's missing a kid.
it's an amber alert,
a response to avert
one more kidnapping, heaven forbid.
"
"in restrooms in public, i've found,
many men are embarrassed around
other guys and can't stand
to perform on demand.
bashful bladders annoy and abound.
"
"what a kooky contraction is an't!
this colloquial term can supplant
words like aren't and ain't,
even amn't, a quaint
little phrase others use, but i shan't.
"
"abreaction has brought a new dawn?
my emotional baggage is gone!
all the stress of repressed
inner fear was expressed.
(see my therapist stifle a yawn.)
"
"blind tigers are taverns?the kind
that can get themselves into a bind
when the liquor they're selling
is moonshine, compelling
their patrons to drink themselves blind.
"
"the abbasids carried the day,
and from baghdad these caliphs held sway.
from abbas they descended,
and clearly intended
to rule in the family way.
"
"a sprinter was beaten by ploys in
a race with a tough illinoisan?
a flash who talked trash
in the hundred-yard dash.
(one man's meet is another man's poison.)
"
"he's a wonderful, hardworking judge,
such a drudge that we dare not begrudge
him his fondness for sweets.
so we pump him with treats
and enjoy saying, ""here come da pudge!""
"
"when it's nisan, a month in the spring,
some israelis will plan for a fling
and a break from the job
in the summer?say, ab?
at a lake with a hammock and swing.
"
"in a backup of traffic, allow
that you ain't goin' nowhere for now.
on the autobahn once,
i got stuck like a dunce,
disregarding the signs that said ""stau.""
"
"we've a reign and a rein and a rain,
but they don't correspond or pertain
to arraign, which means ""charge
with a crime""?small or large?
that, if false or inane, is a bane.
"
"as a student of latin, you face
on the blackboard: ""accusative case:
when a verb, in effect,
makes an object direct.""
this is info your mind will erase.
"
"prohibition was given a try,
but americans drank on the sly.
when the law was undone
and abolishment won,
all the wets said, ""here's mud in your eye!""
"
"though the dancers began the beguine
feeling rested, resplendent, and keen,
as the music wore on,
they grew weary and wan
from their marathon dancing routine.
"
"it's how quickly explosives can get
to a maximum pressure and let
off a shock wave to shatter
all proximate matter.
brisance is a measure of threat.
"
"marijuana's a drug i eschew;
i don't smoke it (and neither should you).
i'm not putting on airs
when i tell you that there's
not a ghost of a chance i'd use boo.
"
"as the will's being read, there are stares
from the relatives, caught unawares.
i bequeath to my sons
all my terrible puns.
(even dead, i'm still putting on heirs.)
"
"this victorian bowl made of glass
has a silvery base adding class.
it's a basket the bride
is displaying with pride
(while the bridegroom is grabbing her ass).
"
"i was stuck at a dinner last night
with a bore of a guy on my right?
twenty minutes awash
in that blatherskite's bosh,
till i told him to go fly a kite.
"
"holy rollers are truly devout.
""oh, dear lord!"" they'll repeatedly shout
through a frightening drop
to the earth, though they'll stop
when the coaster starts bottoming out.
"
"the old german city of bingen
was home to some fancy-ass singin',
as hildegard's chants
left the folks in a trance.
(it's a shame that her tunes ain't more swingin'.)
"
"associational concepts are wry,
be they made with the ear or the eye.
you read ""chick"" and think ""pecks.""
i hear ""chick"" and think ""sex.""
so it goes for a gal and a guy.
"
"to brazilians, the samba is king;
it's a dance with emotion and zing.
in the '60s they wove a
subdued bossa nova,
which passed with a sway and a swing.
"
"the bottle-fed infant is thought
to be lacking protection he ought
to receive from the breast.
mother's milk is the best!
(so i argued as shut-eye i sought.)
"
"in lightning you'd never see bolts
of an abvolt, the smallest of jolts.
this electrical unit
(so many impugn it)
is 10-8 volts.
"
"my grandfather's halogen lamps
called for current?a couple of amps,
but he powered them up
with abamperes and, yup,
the result was a shocker for gramps.
"
"there's a hornet in flight by the hedges
that sit 'neath the clerestory ledges.
what a buzzing he brings
from his ampliate wings
and the breeze o'er their prominent edges!
"
"one region of spain doesn't mask
its ?lan and gets taken to task
for its willful esprit
by the powers-that-be
in madrid. it's the country called basque.
"
"harley-davidson fans all attest
that their powerful cycles are best.
many bikers are chicks
who like getting their kicks
racing hogs (and avoiding arrest).
"
"the backup musicians are those
i don't notice at night clubs and shows.
the singer's a star?
so's the lead on guitar;
but for me that's as far as it goes.
"
"from saskatchewan, fed by the snows,
the assiniboine river now flows
to the east?to the red,
which runs northward instead
to lake winnipeg. that's how it goes.
"
"lindsay wagner's the woman for me?
both bionic and cute as can be.
and imagine which part
of her body i'd start
to employ if she'd only agree.
"
"by making my flattery buttery,
the hearts of the lasses get fluttery.
the smoother my patter,
the worse i could shatter
the moment by turning all spluttery.
"
"in the '50s, we had a flirtation
with beatniks (a ""coolness"" fixation).
they favored a drum
called the bongo?to some,
just a method of beat generation.
"
"i was sassing my dad and my mum
for their ban on the chewing of gum.
now i'm blowing a bubble,
inviting more trouble:
a doubling of smacks on my bum!
"
"a butch keeps a cigarette pack
in her sleeve, while her hair in the back
is a ducktail, a style
seen on men; so i smile,
'cause she's after a jill, not a jack.
"
"for the arborist studying fir,
abietic's a word de rigueur.
it refers to the wood
from a tree that you could
say is firm and erect, as it were.
"
"her date was attentive and gracious,
but favored his food alliaceous.
he ordered the fish,
such a garlicky dish
that the kiss at the door was hellacious.
"
"a jubilant jumper is jouncy;
a fabric with ruffles is flouncy.
a ball made of rubber,
a substance called flubber,
and bellies with blubber are bouncy.
"
"at breakfast i'm asking that mom let
me help when she's making the omelet.
as i'm cracking an egg,
it explodes on my leg
like a yolk-and-albumen-filled bomblet.
"
"an audiotypist named woods
was involved in erasing the goods
on a dick (what a schnook!)
who said, ""i'm not a crook,""
after hiring a staff full of hoods.
"
"the athenian general's grit
is unmatched, his opponents admit.
alcibiades wreaks
so much havoc that greeks
who are fighting for sparta all quit.
"
"colored brindle or fawn, with white paws,
friendly boxers are dogs with square jaws.
they've a face (what a mug!)
that resembles a pug
who's been punched in the ring to applause.
"
"annona's a genus of shrub
that is found in the tropics (and sub-)
of america, where
cherimoyas are fare
for a fruit plate. hey, thanks for the grub!
"
"obstetricians say infants are best fed
when mothers ensure that they're breast-fed.
i'd have to agree,
'cause it worked well for me.
with a wet nurse, my babies got guest-fed.
"
"the pains of bursitis now shoot
through my shoulder; they're really acute.
of the drugs that can bring
some relief, let me sing:
phenylbutazone's truly a bute!
"
"i'm a bookie who's starting to see
a few bettors place wagers with me.
if they all took that tack,
i'd be back in the black:
what a punter-full world this would be.
"
"chromatography helps us detect
and determine a compound's effect.
beneficial by far,
bioautographs are
the ids we collect and inspect.
"
"when i'm flipping a coin, what i use
is a biased one?clearly a ruse
that will give me an edge.
my additional hedge
is this call: ""heads i win, tails you lose.""
"
"an american black, on occasion,
will happen to mate with an asian.
if they choose to be wed
or just hop into bed
and make children, the kids will be blasian.
"
"for their space flights, it's quite apropos
that our astronauts rake in the dough.
one who quit is now driving
a shuttle bus, jiving,
""it ain't nasa salary, so?""
"
"body politic seems to apply
to us organized folks who rely
on those cunning and cool
politicians to rule.
but we're no body's fool, you and i.
"
"of this forest, the biomass means
what will soon be removed by machines.
it's the sum of the wood
that we'll harvest and should
be enough for a million latrines.
"
"a salesman from wales makes his way
to the swamps of new orleans one day.
being fluent in cajun,
he soon is engagin'
in bidialectal clich?.
"
"my kitty was anxious, afraid;
then she hissed, and her claws were displayed.
with the flying of fur,
she created a stir
and a huge altercation, when spayed.
"
"some mysterious force is applied
in black boxes, so what do they hide?
though we know, without doubt,
what goes in and comes out,
who can tell what the hell is inside?
"
"all the hot dogs and drinks are arrayed
at the ballpark as baseball is played.
the concessions draw fans
from their seats in the stands
to the place where the big bucks are made.
"
"the city is blazoned with flags.
every tree's so bedecked that it sags
from the weight of its banners.
the festival's planners?
with scorn they're adorned by the wags.
"
"this restaurant's cozy and small,
neither posh nor a hole in the wall.
penne pasta's the dish
(portofino's delish!)
at our favorite bistro of all.
"
"at the auction, i'm loaded for bear;
it's a ""caveat emptor"" affair.
so i'm purchasing junk?
a white elephant's trunk!?
who'da thunk they meant buyer beware?
"
"""the boogers, the blood, and the poop
all belong to a dangerous group.
biohazards (beware!)
should be handled with care,""
said the cook, stirring hospital soup.
"
"black boxes survive and retain
information on what leads a plane
to decide it won't fly
and drop out of the sky.
these devices, we trust, aren't in vain.
"
"we're sitting on needles and pins
at the game as the countdown begins.
there's a desperate throw
with a second to go:
it's the shot at the buzzer that wins!
"
"a dapper accountant, it's bruited,
left dozens of pension funds looted.
he's hauled into court
and decides to report
in sartorial splendor?besuited.
"
"at one end of a rifle or gun
is the butt, but it isn't the one
you should point when you shoot.
if you do, then we'll boot
your butt out of this regiment, son.
"
"at oxford, the butteries hold
the provisions that students are sold.
other butteries store
wine and spirits and more?
beer and lager (but likely not cold).
"
"at parties, my hubby's the bomb,
pulling practical jokes with aplomb.
if he's shaking your hand,
then a shock has been planned
with the buzzer he's put in his palm.
"
"a beekeeper heads for the fair,
where they're selling apparel that's rare.
there he purchases jeans
for diminutive queens?
a transaction that's ""buyer bee-wear.""
"
"at the rear of the barrel's the breech.
further back on the shotgun, you reach
for the buttstock, the part
that will buck when you start
blasting buckshot at birds in that beech.
"
"a butterball, big and blas?,
buys a butterball turkey each day.
then he cooks it in batter
and loads up his platter.
his butt's getting fatter this way.
"
"to chemists, the radical butyl
(from butane) is said to be utile.
i've been seeking the scoop
on this carbon-based group,
but my quest for more poop has been futile.
"
"the butt hinges flush with the jamb
can be stressed and come loose with a slam.
i was whacked in the butt
by the door i just shut,
which appeared to be muttering, ""scram!""
"
"though amanda and manly young frankie
were primed for some hot hanky-panky,
her ardor turned cold
when he had to keep hold
of his favorite binky and blankie.
"
"a proof or rebuttal that's made,
a sermon that's meant to persuade,
a dispute showing wrath,
and a value in math:
all are arguments here on parade.
"
"1080's a killer of pests,
like those rats who are worrisome guests.
adding sodium to
fluoroacetate, you
have a substance to poison their nests.
"
"as a noun, it's a ""way to approach,""
as a verb, ""to accost or encroach.""
it's archaic today
(from the french aborder).
all abord! there's a word you can broach.
"
"an affectionate cat's my burmese;
with his whiskers, he tickles my knees.
he has satiny hair
tinted sable, a pair
of gold eyes, and a passion to please.
"
"stopping white-collar crime was the thing
for the cops when they set up this sting.
so the perp they arrest
wears a suit and a vest.
yes, a button-down collar adds zing!
"
"as a lad, i got bashed and assailed;
every bully i battled prevailed.
have you heard of the child
who was born to be wild?
i'm the kid who was born to be whaled.
"
"a breech presentation is rare
and can lead to a breach or a tear.
the breech is the part
of a baby whose start
in the world comes when buttocks meet air.
"
"when you've broken down breakup, you've got
not a noun, but a verb, which a lot
of the wordsmiths might view
as a breakthrough for you
if you see what, before, you did not.
"
"when you're wishing an actor good luck,
break a leg is the phrase that has stuck.
ancient greeks used this trick
on their gods, who were quick
to send fortune when accidents struck.
"
"the verb should be take and not bring
when discussing conveying a thing
that is moving away
from the speaker; so hey,
would you take her (not bring her) this ring?
"
"on a cruise up the yangtze, evasion
can often succeed where persuasion
has failed to secure
one a bunk on the tour:
i inveigled the berth of an asian.
"
"fernando the bull said adieu
to his species, deciding to woo
an attractive young sheep
owned by little bo peep,
who surprised him with: ""bully for ewe!""
"
"entomologists properly claim
that insects and bugs aren't the same.
the latter have features
of blood-sucking creatures,
so pierces and bites are their game.
"
"a broadcaster works in tv
for a network whose programs are free.
if an image he sends
through the airwaves offends,
he'll be fined by that fool fcc.
"
"does the species called bovine allow
any member to beat on the brow
of another poor steer?
what i'm getting at here
is this oddity: bully means cow.
"
"tv guide has the listings i use
to find programs that thrill and amuse;
so tonight i will scan it
for animal planet,
a show often broadcasting gnus.
"
"the transmission of sound through the air
via radio waves here and there
is a broadcast?one sent
with the aim and intent
to inform, entertain, or prepare.
"
"if a birth mother's life is a bust,
an adoption is?sometimes?a must.
she could give up her baby,
move onward (though maybe
she'd never completely adjust).
"
"when the cattle steered clear of the bunk,
i approached and thought eeewww! how it stunk!
was the feed in the trough
somehow putting them off?
nope, the cows had encountered a skunk.
"
"i'm a sailor who's cheerful and gay,
effervescent and bouncy today.
i'm so buoyant i float
from the dock to my boat,
which i'll note is named ""wankers away!""
"
"encourage, embolden, uphold,
and support her through troubles untold.
raise her spirits up high?
she's afraid she might die!
buoy her up. that's one terrible cold.
"
"the waiter, who's english, has learnt
that the word for this meat isn't burnt.
i'm a yank who can't bear
when a steak ordered rare
has been burned, so no tip has been earnt!
"
"he's the target of scorn and abuse,
and he's frequently told to vamoose.
he's the butt of the jokes
from us regular folks?
and he's putting his head in a noose.
"
"the pacific is blooming today;
all the humpbacks are feeding on prey.
as they're getting their fill
of crustaceans (the krill),
they keep orcas, those killers, at bay.
"
"the price of a stock starts to race
to the bottom, but gets to a place
where it finally slows
and resists further lows.
that's the level defined as its base.
"
"an adipocyte is defined
as a fat cell, but mine are the kind
that go right from the griddle
and onto my middle.
a waist is a tough thing to mind.
"
"shove hydroxyl's h out with a metal
and alcohol loses its fettle.
a salt will appear?
an alkoxide, i fear.
to this lush, that puts fish in the kettle.
"
"when you dress ? la mode, you are chic
and belong to the toniest clique.
you exhibit a passion
for trendy high fashion.
but me? i'm a gucci-less geek.
"
"the continuing war in iraq
takes a terrible toll, which we track.
the body count's clear
for our soldiers, i hear,
but iraqis? those numbers we lack.
"
"? la mode denotes ""after the fashion,""
but beware, in the sticks, that you ration
the french you display.
do not say, ""en fran?ais.""
you may find yourself gettin' a bashin'.
"
"from my window, i gazed down below
at a bed of buddleias in blow,
and the blossoms evoked
a young woman i stroked
into bloom in my bed long ago.
"
"check my mouth and my ears? yeah, that's fine.
but i'm guarding this body of mine.
you just ain't gonna study
that cavity, buddy?
the one where the sun doesn't shine.
"
"the motif in the background is flowery,
with petals arranged to be showery.
but the cr?che and bocage
are a total mirage:
look in close?it's six drunks in the bowery!
"
"with au bout de son latin, i convey
my exhaustion and mental decay.
at the end of my wits,
i'll be calling it quits?
no more latin declensions today.
"
"the bible's our best-selling book?
inspiration wherever you look.
but begettings are rife,
and the author likes strife.
are the sex and the violence his hook?
"
"when oxygen's cooled, it will pass
to a far denser state where its mass
is a liquid that flows.
with a boiloff, it goes
back to vapor and, man, that's a gas!
"
"there's a word for a personal maid
from a character beaumont portrayed
(or perhaps it was fletcher?)?
a lady's young fetcher,
named abigail, offering aid.
"
"of brahmans and bovines they prattle;
they even speak beef in seattle.
on the range i don't roam?
the big apple's my home.
i'm a man who's manhattan (no cattle).
"
"my gallbladder leaked for awhile,
with a duct oozing venomous bile.
'twas a terrible thing?
had my acinus sling.
(that's a sac whose secretions are vile.)
"
"there's a mediterranean herb
that delights the egyptian and serb.
with a feather-like leaf
and a flowery motif,
it's acanthine and bloomin' superb.
"
"let's delight in an andean high
in la paz, with the mountains close by!
this bolivian weed,
man, is all that we need:
take a toke to be touching the sky.
"
"you're up every day with the sun
and then out on the road for a run.
it's a grueling routine
for the future marine,
because boot camp's not meant to be fun.
"
"the compounds my donkey can haul,
like the acetals, ketones, and all,
will be used in cologne;
but if heated, they're prone,
like my ass, to have scents that appall.
"
"for workers, a 401(k)
seems a prudent investment?the way
to accumulate sums.
when retirement comes,
will they find there's the devil to pay?
"
"to a terrorist wearing a smirk, a
fanatic who's turning berserk, a
big jerk named osama:
we noticed your mama
wears combat boots under her burqa.
"
"his family is doubly depressed
when a beekeeper goes to his rest
leaving all that he owns
to a queen and her drones,
thus completing his final bequest.
"
"abolition: a cause and intent
(backed by force) got the south to relent
and abandon a scheme
that was vile and extreme.
no apologies yet have been sent.
"
"he's been searching all over the place
'cause i've hidden his cigarette case.
emphysema's no joke;
he's not getting a smoke?
he can beg till he's blue in the face.
"
"my ovaries griped when a fraction
of calyx resisted extraction.
""the adnation's remained,
and it's gross!"" they complained.
('twas a bit of an ovaryaction.)
"
"the buck was almighty and strong?
once a currency doing no wrong.
but the system seems flawed
and they're nervous abroad,
fearing china's not playing along.
"
"there once was an ant from kilkenny
who wandered around, and on many
occasions (quite troublin')
he'd wind up in dublin.
the reason? he'd lost his antennae.
"
"with its movable, segmented pair
of antennae, an insect knows where
all its pals can be found
(by their smell or their sound)
and what's coming (by movements of air).
"
"i'm a jokester?and sox fans agree.
with my ""star-spangled banner"" off-key
at the ballpark today,
i was singing, ""jos?,
can you see any bedbugs on me?""
"
"genetic invention's the aim
of the biotechnology game.
they have copied my genes
through molecular means
and created my clone?he's a dame!
"
"a butt is a beer-holding cask;
it's immense?a leviathan's flask.
since its gallons equate
to a hundred and eight,
is that two or three kegs, may i ask?
"
"he's a clown, with his jests and buffoonery,
a wag and farceur?but the sooner he
learns that his jokes
ain't that funny to folks,
then the sooner we'll stop our lampoonery.
"
"there are shortish and powerful necks
on the men at security checks.
what their bull necks imply
is, when passengers fly,
they'll be herded and cowed till they're wrecks.
"
"at a bull session, steers sit around,
and informal opinions abound:
""i hate working the plow.""
""i like bessy the cow.""
""all those toreadors should be drowned!""
"
"the chef just resigned (what a schnook),
took the pans and the recipe book.
but our diners must eat,
so i'm braced for the heat
and accinging myself to be cook.
"
"there's a serum-filled sac in my shoulder
that bothers me now that i'm older.
despite three physicians,
this bursal condition's
got worse since the weather's been colder.
"
"the recorder will run for three days,
as we test every programming phase.
we'll eliminate quirks
that can gum up the works
and ensure, with this burn-in, it plays.
"
"as my botany handbook reports,
there are bush clover shrubs of all sorts:
slender, round-headed, hairy,
virginia, and prairie.
these plants are leguminous sports.
"
"yes, the bush basil's fine for ragout
and for salads and seasonings, too.
it's an annual herb?
somewhat sweet, not acerb.
unlike bay leaves, this basil's faboo!
"
"an herbaceous perennial grows
by the roadside, this flutterer knows.
see the monarch alight,
lay its eggs, and take flight;
watch the butterfly weed-eating shows.
"
"this vatican bull's a decree
that instructs every catholic like me
who is using the pill
that we're thwarting god's will:
we must multiply?a.s.a.p.!
"
"when my mom wants to polish the floor
of the kitchen, a place by the door
serves to separate me
from my sister, 'cause we
need a buffer zone, being at war.
"
"at a discount antiquities show,
just a pound buys a relic, you know.
tut weighs almost a ton,
and costs more, 'cause it's one
for the mummy and two for the tow.
"
"the loggers are brushing the road,
filling holes so the work won't be slowed.
it's a difficult pass
through a swampy morass
for a skidder that's dragging a load.
"
"my wife and i nightly contend
while deciding what money to spend.
i'm the budgeter?she's
at the malls on her sprees,
daily buying whatever they vend.
"
"acadia park, up in maine,
has forbidding and rugged terrain
during winter?but then
when it's summer again,
we down easters no longer complain.
"
"for vacation each year i receive
just one day, and it's starting to peeve.
and it comes without pay!
still i grovel and say
to my boss, ""by your leave, may i leave?""
"
"the bulk is the volume or mass
of a body or thing; and alas,
it implies lots of weight
or dimensions so great
that it speaks to the state of my ass.
"
"those burma-shave signs made me jolly
while driving from richmond to raleigh.
every message was fun,
with a joke or a pun,
such as, ""chili today, hot tamale.""
"
"i purchase a thoroughbred horse;
he's the fastest i've seen at the course.
then i race him a lot,
but he doesn't win squat,
so i'm suffering buyer's remorse.
"
"a constructional unit affects
demolition in certain respects.
by removing a few
of the building blocks, you
can direct how an edifice wrecks.
"
"on the buntline you pulled very hard,
and you hauled up the sail to the yard;
but by cinching the rope
round one ankle, you dope,
you were hoist by your own fool petard.
"
"""at a breathtaking moment on stage,
a white tiger escaped from his cage.
as the audience froze,
the magician arose...""
and i trembled while turning the page.
"
"behavioral scientists study
how boozing makes people feel cruddy.
from blotches of ink,
my new shrink seems to think
i'm a dink if i drink with you, buddy.
"
"kentucky fried chicken is great
by the bucketful (servings for eight).
here's a tub filled with meat?
oh how greasy a treat?
and a heart attack right on my plate.
"
"bikini wax doesn't belong
in the world of a woman who's strong.
seems you're caving to men,
and they've got you again
by the short hairs?and wearing a thong.
"
"the bull thistle's prickly and wild,
annoying to all but a child,
who'll gaze at its flowers
(they're purple) for hours
in wonderment?thistle-beguiled.
"
"man, this buffalo grass has a bite?
new york's finest?i'm high as a kite!
what? you're sayin' it's not
really dynamite pot?
this is hay i've been smokin' all night?
"
"there's a plant in the marsh that deters
one from wading, the angler avers.
after fishing near shore,
he's got prickles galore?
with the bur reed, he's buried in burs.
"
"on the cape is a town where they're sworn
to carousal from midnight to morn.
trendy truro's sedate,
chatham's peaceful and straight,
so for action, it's wild to be bourne.
"
"bur marigolds cover my socks
from a day in the yard clearing rocks.
they have prickly achenes
sticking right through my jeans,
and, for weeds, are a nettlesome pox.
"
"two plates have been placed end-to-end
and then welded together to send
to my son in iraq,
who's been under attack?
on this armor, a butt weld's his friend.
"
"a bull rush may settle a score
with a nettlesome toreador,
while this bullrush (a sedge
in the pond, by its edge)
has no nettles, but spikelets galore.
"
"a bulgarian's middle-aged spread
garners fame, to his countrymen's dread:
he's a round-the-clock slouch
and attached to his couch,
which they're calling a sofia bed.
"
"those bloodstains weren't hard to remove.
using salt and ammonia, you've
done a credible job;
so you're in with the mob,
'cause the cops now have nothing to prove.
"
"by cracking petroleum, man
has produced all the compounds he can.
hydrocarbons, when heated,
give butenes, which (treated)
make gas for the family van.
"
"the sandals i sell at my shop
are just soles with two straps on the top.
still i give 'em a shine
on my buffing wheel, line
'em up nicely, and hope they don't flop.
"
"to the missives, the pope fastens two
of his seals; then he's asked by the new
internuncio, ""what
are those signets you've got?""
answers benedict, ""bullae for you!""
"
"the buckskins they wore in the west
were the breeches that went with the vest
on frontiersman like boone,
who killed deer and raccoon,
ate the meat, and made clothes from the rest.
"
"as a young 'un, i wore bvds;
but for men, tighty whities can squeeze.
since going commando,
my privates feel grand?oh
so free now to move as they please.
"
"a conjunction (for ""yet"" or ""unless""),
but is also an adverb; and yes,
it's an adjective, too,
and a pronoun! who knew?
what the noun means is anyone's guess.
"
"here's a case that is open-and-shut
of a word that can swagger and strut?
being six parts of speech
with exceptional reach.
is it limited? anything but!
"
"at a beach that is nudism-zoned,
all my sunscreen and lotion is loaned
to the women who lie
on their bellies, so i
can apply it?no stern's left untoned.
"
"to the frozen food section i go
for a cheesecake and chocolate g?teau.
what i'm buying is bland
(not a popular brand),
and it ain't nice as sara lee, so?
"
"an ambitious young poet named gorange
who lives in the village of florange
is spending his time
in a quest for a rhyme.
he's determined to find one for . . . silver!
"
"like the jam and the jelly i eat,
apple butter's deliciously sweet.
it's my favorite spread,
good on biscuits and bread?
an incredible, edible treat.
"
"we give thanks to our savior today
for the food he's directed our way.
it's a veggie, pristine,
called a butterhead, green,
staying clean with a bibb. let us pray.
"
"catalonia's a region in spain
where la liga's new champions train.
barcelona's the team;
playing soccer's the dream.
at the nou camp these footballers reign.
"
"a texan who's hunting near denison
preys on the deer for their venison,
braises their sweet
and delectable meat,
and then praises the lord in his benison.
"
"there's a cult keeping sisters interned
at an abbey in stowe, we have learned.
our deprogrammers sent
to vermont are intent:
they'll be leaving no stowe nun unturned.
"
"the wines we are tasting today
have a piquant and cheeky bouquet.
one aroma is sweet,
but the other's effete.
the verdicchio beats the ros?.
"
"vegetarians favor cuisines
that are heavy in grains and in greens.
how to clear any room?
try the airy legume?
that unbearable blight that is beans.
"
"an ancient greek gorgon was prone
to make quartz out of muscle and bone.
every now and again
she would agatize men,
as medusa turned humans to stone.
"
"the indefinite article's done
when it says, ""here's my noun, gotta run!""
but if sounded as ay
and then stressed, that's the way
that an a gets to say, ""only one.""
"
"shiitakes and c?pes are a class
of mushrooms whose spores form a mass.
a shaggy-maned sponge, i
mooch acervate fungi
from grocers who happen to pass.
"
"when a tree that's been felled has a splint
sticking up from the stump that might hint
of a place someone sits,
the expression that fits
is a barber chair. haircut and tint!
"
"with amniocentesis, you cringe
at a needle that dwarfs the syringe.
when the doc slips it all
through your abdomen's wall,
you're amazed to feel only a twinge.
"
"a fisherman's ardor draws static;
his wife is abrupt and emphatic:
""bad news for you, ducky;
no way you'll get lucky
tonight?i've a horrible haddock.""
"
"my daughter delights when i buy
a banana or strawberry pie.
with her passion for fruit,
she's adorably cute?
both the apple and peach of my eye!
"
"in the highlands, a hill of repute,
very level on top, has acute
and precipitous sides.
what a landmark of clyde's
is this butte up in bute. it's a beaut!
"
"in tufts and in clumps and in bunches,
these grasses are animals' lunches.
a perennial plant
like the bunchgrass just can't
wait for snowfall, when nobody munches.
"
"blackboard jungles are dangerous schools
where the students keep breaking the rules.
these are places so bad
many teachers go mad.
those who don't are the martyrs and fools.
"
"he thinks that he'll study bryology,
a moss-centered branch of biology:
but by rolling some grass,
he gets stoned before class,
so he gathers no moss terminology.
"
"he dresses in suede-finished leather
routinely, whatever the weather.
he's buckskinned and bold,
like frontiersmen of old,
and his brain is as light as a feather.
"
"i'm removing the trees in the stand
on the side of the hill, where i've planned
to erect a new mill
that will show off my skill
at discovering buildable land.
"
"the robberies breaking the peace
in the town were expected to cease,
but the borough ain't winning,
cuz crooks are beginning
to burgle the burghal police!
"
"butyl rubber is stuff we amass
by copolymerizing a gas?
isobutylene?at
a low temp in a vat
while some isoprene's added for sass.
"
"our government's one of the kind
in which bureaucratism's designed
for incompetent fools
to determine the rules,
so most citizens pay it no mind.
"
"most cannibals know it's uncouth
serving teens, but i challenge that truth.
yet since young'uns taste bland,
i keep spices on hand
and like putting the accent on youth.
"
"they were twisting the necks of the steers
and then dragging them down to our cheers.
yes, the bulldoggers wowed
the whole rodeo crowd,
though at times they got knocked on their rears.
"
"is a bullhead an obstinate twit?
no, it's not. it's a catfish, to wit:
a freshwater sculpin
i've taken to gulpin'
with shrimp from my barbeque pit.
"
"i'm building on work in the past
to assemble an excellent cast.
the foundation is set:
i've a blonde, a brunette,
and a redhead. my casting couch? vast.
"
"with my fiberless diet, i skulk
to the toilet to struggle and sulk.
for more roughage, i'm told,
get a cereal sold
by the name of incredible bulk.
"
"being bush-league, you're lacking in class?
mediocre, a bit of an ass,
like that nitwit and bore
who says ""nucular war""
and whose prattle is natural gas.
"
"a bulbil's a bulb, only smaller,
a bud on a creeper or crawler?
a deciduous thing
that will blossom to bring
us a flower when spring is a caller.
"
"there were blooms peeking out of concrete
when the butterweed grew on our street,
and the yellow outside
through the window we eyed
was the color of butter we'd eat.
"
"the sky is so cloudless we ooh
at the clear and cerulean view;
but then suddenly lightning
is striking?it's frightening!
we've witnessed a bolt from the blue.
"
"biofeedback's a practiced technique
that in time helps you regulate, tweak,
and control with your mind
what's unconscious; some find
that their heart rate responds in a week.
"
"i'm stunned by the awesome array
of bridgework we're seeing today.
my dentist now fusses
with girders and trusses,
when once his concern was decay.
"
"i'm a contrary, ornery nut
for whom arguments never get shut.
i'm the reason why schools
have exceptions to rules.
i'm a guy who kicks serious ""but.""
"
"a bit can be lengthy or quick,
like a show-biz routine or a shtick?
or a comedy skit
done with second-rate wit
that's a bit entertaining and slick.
"
"yet again standing off to the side
of a couple whose knot's getting tied
is this wedding attendant,
demure and resplendent:
the bridesmaid who's never the bride.
"
"bryozoan: this creature (marine)
lives in colonies frequently seen
stuck to piers. what's the job
of this jelly-like blob?
it's a water-filtration machine.
"
"according to shakespeare, a guy
who's anhungry is peckish for pie.
this obscure english word
solves a riddle: the third
with an ending that's spelled g-r-y.
"
"the antiquities lining this room
were unearthed near king ptolemy's tomb.
they're millennia old,
made of silver and gold,
and if sold, spell the purchaser's doom.
"
"assanka's a very rare word
only used by the brainiest nerd.
it's 10 to a power
so big it can tower
to 63 zeros ? absurd!
"
"an adjunct that seems unessential
can often be quite influential.
an example is ""wee""
(which expresses degree)
in the phrase, ""he's a wee presidential.""
"
"by acting so brainsickly, grange
has exposed his disorder (it's strange).
in a crazy display,
he sings ""cantaloupe play""
with the deer on a ""home on derange.""
"
"county fairs in missouri are neat;
i saw bullriding cowboys compete.
the testosterone flowed,
but the riders got throwed,
'cause the bulls were the athletes to beat.
"
"a bracingly fresh ocean breeze
gave me strength in the face of unease
when i went on a cruise
and imbibed too much booze
on a boat called the florida quease.
"
"recognition, acknowledgements, praise!
from my colleagues! i'm still in a daze.
they kept giving me fits,
making work here the pits,
till i tried antiperspirant sprays.
"
"some phobics come under arachno-,
from spiders who creep on their back. no,
it's fear not of war,
but of crawlers galore
that these sufferers under attack know.
"
"thirty years on the job, then we're done.
sell the house, say goodbye, gotta run.
now we travel and roam
with no place to call home.
are there cons to addressless-ness? none.
"
"kansas city is proud to embrace
arthur bryant's, a barbeque place.
it has short ribs to die for
and brisket whose whyfor
is smiling with sauce on your face.
"
"the soldiers are tense and imperious.
the weapons they guard are mysterious.
so here in aleppo,
this armament depot
has shown me that syria's serious.
"
"in beslan, the terrorist shows
the depths to which wickedness goes,
having goons in his squad
killing children?for god?
damn this scum to perpetual throes!
"
"i'm boxing a friar named babbitt,
a rabbit-punch cheater, dagnabbit!
this monk, 'e's a threat
i'm determined to get
off my back. i'll be kicking this abbot!
"
"he's unable to blossom or bud?
just a slouch on the couch. what a dud!
a potato who's so
ablastemic is joe,
my insensate, inanimate spud.
"
"bread and circuses helped to forestall
discontent, but what led to the fall
of the empire at last
(roman, vaunted, and vast)
was a loss of the penchant to brawl.
"
"a bulla's a blister or cyst
and can grow to the size of a fist.
on my back, one's inflamed?
and so huge it's been named
quasimodo. (i couldn't resist.)
"
"a bulla's a seal made of lead
or an imprint of ink colored red.
one's affixed to this bull
that's on marriage and full
of advice from the pope, who's unwed.
"
"by refusing the drugs, i'm ascetic?
not numb to an art that's cosmetic.
the surgical flair
that i'll witness in there
in a sense will become an aesthetic.
"
"the sides above deck on a ship
are the bulwarks, which offer a grip
for the tipplers on board
who are out of their gourd
on the rum that was stored for the trip.
"
"after growing as big as a barge,
to the weight watcher meetings i charge.
though i drop a full size,
on the whole?no surprise?
i am still, by and large, buyin' large.
"
"my body mechanics are bad
'cause my exercise regimen's had
me supine on the couch
watching oscar the grouch
on the tube in my bachelor pad.
"
"when the type in consecutive lines
is made flush by the printer's designs
at the left or the right
so it pleases the sight,
it's been blocked. (that's the word this defines.)
"
"the corned beef and cabbage you serve
shows a chef who has gusto and nerve,
making me a new fan
of this meat from a can.
so it's bully for you and your verve!
"
"to a girl who is sad and annoyed
by her gender, notes therapist freud,
""to experience freeness,
you must have a penis.
i'll see that you're surgically buoyed.""
"
"this aftershave's quite an expense
and its odor is really intense,
so i'd like to be shown,
if i could, a cologne
that would work in both dollars and scents.
"
"a bearer of tidings is one
who is carrying news, like the sun,
while the bearers of caskets
and flowers in baskets
accompany lives that are done.
"
"my mother complains when i ditch
any girlfriend who's chichi and rich.
mom's so catty and bitchy:
""your tastes are too kitschy!""
i guess i'm a son of a . . . witch.
"
"what begins as the tiniest tear,
will in time, at the cinema, blear
every eye in the house
(even those of my spouse)
when a mother leaves bambi, the deer.
"
"you must pay to the bearer his due
if the draft that he's giving to you
is a certified check
from the bank of quebec
or a savings and loan in peru.
"
"the bulldog's the mascot of yale,
a symbol the whiffenpoofs hail
(in music and stories
from tables at mory's)
for making the tiger turn tail.
"
"the curculio's pal and successor,
a billbug, is quite the impresser.
now the other bugs boo
the curculio, who?
of two weevils?is clearly the lesser.
"
"belly buttons are nature's reward,
marking mother's umbilical cord.
there are outies and innies
that mystics and ninnies
can gaze at whenever they're bored.
"
"i suffered a ligament tear
when i stumbled and tripped on a chair,
but the medics were fast?
put my foot in a cast.
(it's inflated?i'm walking on air!)
"
"anarene is a fictional town
in west texas, of little renown.
nothing happens at night,
and the days don't excite.
now they're shutting the picture show down.
"
"""a gift in the mail: i've been bosced.""
(those are pears, yellow-brown?glad you ahsked.)
but they'd taken some knocks,
being packed in a box,
and were blemished and bruised when unmahsked.
"
"robert blake (the detective baretta)
in real life became quite upset?a
defendant on trial
for the venting of bile
through his gun, in a lover's vendetta.
"
"expressions like ""give me a break""
are the buzzwords and phrases that make
an impression on folks
when you use them?the joke's
that they think you're not savvy, but fake.
"
"herein there are seventeen e's;
nineteen s's, two x's and d's;
five h's, three v's,
a's, f's, w's; two g's,
u's; four o's; six r's, i's; eight n's, t's.
"
"it's a 2wd that i own,
so the off-roaders leave me alone.
but i'm getting the feeling
that 4x4 squealing
of wheels is a wee overblown.
"
"the streams go from trickle to flow
in the spring with the melting of snow.
this is break up, the time
when most lumberjacks climb
back in bed?nature's halted the show.
"
"an anatomy prof has a jones
for a vertebrate's skeletal zones.
he gets off on the arm,
which provides him both charm
and a humerus take on its bones.
"
"this african dish features meat
that's been minced so it's easy to eat.
it has eggs in a custard
and curry (not mustard).
bobotie's a popular treat.
"
"on her job application, her stints
as a maid to the royals convince
the forensics recruiter
employment will suit her:
who better to dust for the prints?
"
"an auxiliary bishop is free
to assist with affairs of the see,
but he cannot succeed
(even when there's a need)
and be boss, say the powers-that-be.
"
"my autogram has seven t's;
five a's; three u's, w's, v's,
m's, f's, i's, y's, and g's;
twenty s's; eight e's;
four h's, n's, o's, r's; two d's.
"
"the brickwork they're selling today
comes in such an impressive array
that for finish and color
there's little that's duller
than simple adobe or clay.
"
"they're serving the ice cream in bricks?
lots of flavors for making our picks.
and our children delight
from their very first bite
to those nose-smearing, plate-clearing licks.
"
"the councilmen, all aldermanic,
are driving the townsfolk to panic:
""these women who revel
are serving the devil!
assail 'em or salem's satanic!""
"
"if the experts refuse to assess
every word that is spelled with an ess,
might they miss the eight esses
one word now possesses,
evincing assesslessness? yes!
"
"anabaptists: that radical sect!
just adults can be members, correct?
they embrace nonresistance,
maintaining a distance?
a strict church-and-state disconnect.
"
"through the water cnidarians wend
using organelles?arms that extend
from their mouths, in a ring,
and deliver a sting.
what is safe? their abactinal end!
"
"the adjective both has to do
with a pair or a couple or two.
but it's best to be loath
to use of after both.
(that's a rule i thought both of us knew.)
"
"a hollywood surgeon who fears
his technique isn't up to his peers'
has just issued this call:
""cut-rate butt lifts for all!
friends and countrymen, lend me your rears!""
"
"it's demeanor you note at a glimpse
in the gangstas, the homies, the pimps.
it's badass-itude, dude,
and it's meant to exclude
all us weaklings and wussies and wimps.
"
"a confederate hero was he,
till this general ventured to sea,
where a terrible gale
made him cower and quail,
and to shelter ran robert, alee.
"
"uncle sam, in the posters i'd see,
had a finger that pointed at me.
he implored, ""i want you!""
in the '90s, he'd woo
with a slogan: be all you can be.
"
"there once was a man from riyadh
who joined the islamic jihad.
he strapped on a bomb,
said goodbye to his mom,
and then blew himself up for his god.
"
"black money is income you net
from your gambling or hooking; and yet
when you're doing your taxes,
it slips through the crackses.
it's funny the facts you forget!
"
"barramunda's a wonderful fish
that down under is served as a dish.
it gets cut into strips
and then fried with your chips.
with a foster's to sip, it's delish.
"
"there are blasters encased in a cap;
golf has blasters you use in a trap.
other blasters hold sand,
but the ones i can't stand
are those ghetto bass-blasters of rap!
"
"the bowknot's embellishing loops
are arrayed in a couple of groups
to the left and the right
of a knot that is tight.
if it's loose, you could trip and go ""whoops!""
"
"when your property's burned to the ground
with malicious intent, and it's found
to be criminal fraud,
some insurers applaud,
although victims of arson abound.
"
"a noisemaking nuisance named neville
is randy and ready to revel.
but his spouse, who's a grouse,
says their bi-level house
(just two floors) ain't for raising the devil.
"
"queen victoria's challenge was hurled,
and america's foresail unfurled.
out of cowes, isle of wight,
beating brits left and right,
raced the schooner that conquered the world.
"
"biological parents are free?
if they wish?to beget and then flee.
caring people who opt
both to seek and adopt
others' children are heroes to me.
"
"a bureaucratized government's tools
run to hierarchy, functions, and rules.
to the typical fed,
tape is ample and red.
it's a specialized system?for fools.
"
"my boxer shorts sadly have been
treated bunchily now and again,
and with every new wedgie,
you'll find me more edgy,
as fabric gets jammed up within.
"
"reannex and anthrax are two
of the scrabble words players review
for a tray-clearing play
with an x and an a.
both are bingos?a bonus is due!
"
"treating symptoms, not causes, to some,
is what medicine's sadly become.
haven't pooped for a while?
chew on ex-lax?and smile!
that's allopathy's style, and it's dumb.
"
"the bugleweed's one of the mints
with medicinal uses, like stints
as a semi-exotic
and gentle narcotic.
its styptic can make people wince.
"
"the horses called buckskins are fun;
they're the color of yellowish dun.
both their manes and their tails
are all black, and the males
may be skinny and buck when they run.
"
"a thrice-married mogul from texas
buys autos for each of his exes:
a chrysler for rhonda,
to mildred a honda,
and cassie ""the chassis""? a lexus.
"
"i cherish the trees that are floral,
like cherry, persimmon, and sorrel.
with blooms a bit tardy,
the olive is hardy;
however, i cannot stand laurel.
"
"for a chef, the legumes in tureens
are the key to his kitchen's cuisines.
if you ask, he'll deny it;
he's keeping it quiet?
and simply not spilling the beans.
"
"the bunchberry creeps near a wall;
it's an herb, only three inches tall.
this perennial plant
is a dogwood that can't
stand erect, so it chooses to crawl.
"
"argenta's a place down the road
from america's armpit?a node
or a sweat-making gland?
no, an exit and land
with, it seems, not a single abode.
"
"there were beautiful women and men
in antiquity, way way back when.
by their statues' physiques,
ancient romans and greeks
would have all gotten ratings of ten.
"
"when leukemia's deep in the bone
as a chronic disease, it's been shown
that busulfan prevents
many growths?your defense
till your marrow can go it alone.
"
"achritochromacy grieves
every color-blind person who weaves
through a garden's displays
but can only see grays,
so the flowers have hues like their leaves.
"
"where are country and western and dancin'
and music from broadway entrancin'?
where do fans whoop and holler
to pay bottom dollar?
in america's touristy branson.
"
"on the bounty the crew was aroar
as the lifeboat was struggling to shore.
it was carrying bligh,
who looked backwards to spy
christian grinning and waving the oar.
"
"in oslo, one tenet is chief?
a belief with a viking motif:
since a son so well-bred
came from erik the red,
most norwegians are prone to be leif.
"
"my hubby's new hobby is verse:
writing limericks?and, hey, it gets worse!
he's a master of rhyme
who no longer has time
to play doctor while i'm playing nurse.
"
"the two-letter words that i play
in scrabble seem odd and outr?.
here i'm hanging a bingo
(that's tray-clearing lingo),
and ar means the letter, okay?
"
"the battleship's tops in the fleet;
it's a vessel that's hard to defeat.
at a distance it stuns
with its powerful guns,
and its armor no harmer can beat.
"
"an encomium honored a man
as his biodegrading began:
""dearest ludwig: while dozing,
have fun decomposing!""
(it eulogized beethoven, van.)
"
"we have an expression from sport
that defines when it's time to report
the response that you'll make
to the stance that i take.
so i tell you, ""the ball's in your court.""
"
"there's burlap and canvas and wool,
three materials sack makers pull
from their shelves when they're tagging
the fabrics for bagging
(or bragging and shooting the bull).
"
"a lama may guide us to wrathlessness,
and a ride on a llama beats pathlessness,
while by bathing just once
in a month, i'm a dunce,
'cause from mama i can't hide my bathlessness.
"
"this liqueur is a yellowish-green,
and its aniseed flavor is clean.
i absinthiate drinks
(though the wormwood just stinks),
since the kick it produces is mean.
"
"our frozen desserts draw hosannas
from folks at the cuban cabanas.
one fruit they extol,
served in sundaes, comes whole
and not split?yes, we halve no bananas.
"
"despite clouds at the beach, i had fun,
fell asleep, then awoke around one.
the sky was ablaze
from old sol and his gaze.
i got burned by a bitch of a sun.
"
"at a fat farm, a porker named pearl
met a surgeon who sent her awhirl.
between him and the gym,
she's an utterly trim
and bodaciously tata'ed young girl.
"
"a blackfish, both hungry and dumb,
sees a hammerhead munching on chum.
swimming up to the shark,
now the tautog's a mark
and in no time it's food he'll become.
"
"this actinomyxidian's firm?
well-entrenched in the guts of a worm,
which inhabits my friend,
who's a mooch. at the end
of this parasite sequence, i squirm.
"
"body snatching's a terrible deed,
so for grandfather's graveyard, i'll plead
for a watchman who keeps
a close eye on the creeps
who for bones have a jones and a need.
"
"it's a stainable substance that dwells
in nucleolar parts of our cells.
a transposal of basi-
parachromatin has a
surprise: that's a lamprey it spells!
"
"to aggravate means ""to provoke""
or ""to nettle"" a lady or bloke;
and yet the critiquers
for years have told speakers
that ain't how the language is spoke!
"
"silly rhymes are a favorite of mine;
they're a way to make limericks shine:
i imagine a bitewing
exposing a right-wing
conservative's crowns out of line.
"
"we're all brown-bagging here at the club
since no liquor is served with the grub.
there are setups (a few),
but no good irish stew.
should we go to o'flaherty's pub?
"
"start with white, move to yellow, then green.
learn your katas and keep your nose clean.
mind your sensei (don't clown!)
and your belt will be brown.
next comes black: you're a kicking machine!
"
"in vermont, there's a maiden named marian
who putters with stoneware and parian.
her bennington graces
most pottery places;
her face is on vases they're carryin'.
"
"during super bowl halftime, a rube
is enjoying the show on the tube,
when a wardrobe malfunction
(devoid of compunction
by janet) exposes a boob!
"
"the bullace, a plant of repute,
is a plum-bearing shrub they salute
in the kitchens of britain,
where many are smitten
by puddings and jam from its fruit.
"
"butadiene's a hazmat and gas
that is flammable, part of a class
used in latex and rubber?
not animal blubber,
which makes up the bulk of my ass.
"
"a basketball player who's quick
sees his teammate is setting a pick.
so he squares up and shoots
(his three-pointers are beauts),
but surprisingly throws up a brick.
"
"a blasting cap's filled with a charge,
an explosive that's not very large.
""you can use a delay
and get safely away,""
said my sarge, ""now go blow up that barge.""
"
"my robot's a.i. blows away
any battlebot running today.
i'm a techie whose life's
so absorbed that my wife's
got an itch only droids can allay.
"
"from the crash to the closest er,
then the or, they're taking me far.
later on icu,
then i'm out and go through
aftercare. now i'm back in my car.
"
"it's a burdensome job, not a perk?
very hard, but i simply won't shirk.
i've been given a task,
and i'll do it?i'll bask
as i test if this sunscreen will work.
"
"we're breaking new ground on the knoll
and beginning construction whose goal
is for neighbors to see
how elite we can be?
now our outhouse has more than one hole!
"
"my cardiac rhythm's been read;
and it's slow, like an athlete's, they said.
bradycardia's nifty?
my heart rate is 50.
(any lower, you're practically dead.)
"
"'twixt russia and germany sits
a country that's taken some hits.
keeping powers at bay,
poland asks when it may
call this buffer state ritual quits.
"
"black comedy doesn't require
a cosby or murphy or pryor.
it's humor with bite,
pretty morbid, that might
knock 'em dead at a funeral pyre.
"
"i'll bake us a fine langostino
and open a bottle of vino.
then we'll turn on tv
and watch slalomers ski
in the alpine events from torino.
"
"i purchased a beat-up accord.
no returns! was i out of my gourd?
with no buyback allowed,
it's now back by the crowd
of jalopies and junkers i hoard.
"
"as i'm writing in bokm?l, i strain
with a language whose form is arcane,
seeming far from a core way
we speak here in norway
and more what you'd say to a dane.
"
"the sierra nevadas, though cold,
held a township with treasures untold.
forty-niners who came
into auburn laid claim
to both shelter and nuggets of gold.
"
"beblubbered's a term that applies
to those lachrymose faces and eyes.
with a foursome of b's,
it's a word, if you please,
so b-loved we've awarded a prize.
"
"bricks and mortar are used when we build.
they're materials wrought by the skilled
into houses and halls
with those ivy-clad walls
that reflect what the architect's willed.
"
"the best and the coolest of jocks
get their pix on a cereal box.
america's sweeties
are eating their wheaties:
the breakfast of champions rocks!
"
"this area's humus is rich?
check the earth and the dirt in this ditch.
the land here is known
as a black belt?a zone
where the loam can be darker than pitch.
"
"when he studies these cells, he's aghast
at the number my blood has amassed.
my physician is sad:
""your leukemia's bad.""
(gotta say having blasts ain't a blast.)
"
"there must be in england a nicer roy
than alderman roy, who's the viceroy.
he's serving the king
on a guillotine fling.
there's no joy in a toy like that slicer?oy!
"
"a biltmore stick's neat as can be.
it's a way that i measure a tree
and determine how thick
are the ones that they'll pick
to be felled (once the cutters agree).
"
"my kids made me feel like a boob,
so i purchased a book on the cube.
after reading each page,
i found pac-man the rage.
there went $3.99 down the tube.
"
"we opened in london today,
and it went like a bomb, critics say.
so we're popping a cork,
'cause this isn't new york,
where a bomb is a flop of a play.
"
"some americans seem to resist
the bicultural trends that exist
in their country?like spanish
refusing to vanish.
?caramba! these anglos are pissed.
"
"new york has a bridge of renown
in the borough of brooklyn; but down
in dc it's been dissed
by the monument list.
not an icon? hey, get outta town!
"
"the hungarian rubik whose cube
was a masterpiece watches the tube.
he's been viewing tv
for so long now that he
has become an illiterate boob.
"
"how grotesque when he's on the attack,
using humor ironic and black.
he makes fun of man's folly,
like bombings in bali,
and jokes about folks using crack.
"
"it's abhorrent, repugnant, and vile!
there are playboys displayed in the aisle
of the grocery store.
gee, they're hard to ignore.
(i'll just stand here and browse for a while.)
"
"of limericks, i've penned a nantucketful,
a tubful of verses?a bucketful.
but i've also a pail
of old records for sale:
lovely union gap ballads?a puckettful.
"
"the blue jeans were flared in the day
when the colorful hippies held sway.
those '60s espousers
of bell-bottom trousers
are now in their sixties and gray.
"
"there's a basketball team near back bay
that is famed for its floor of parquet.
they're the celtics of boston
who never seem lost in
the shamrock and green as they play.
"
"although drought makes the sycamores cough,
at an arborist's counsel we scoff.
but he lays their roots bare
to water and air,
and this ablaqueation pays off.
"
"this taunting by teens may be hackneyed,
but renders recipients slack-kneed.
you're hopelessly pocked
and (hey, pizza face!) mocked
by the crowd. it's the pits to be acned!
"
"when you hinder what tries to pass by,
or impede someone's view of the sky,
or restrict an exchange,
or reduce something's range,
then you're serving to block or deny.
"
"when my buddleias blossom in may,
they are butterfly magnets by day.
all the monarchs in sight
flutter by and alight
for a nectar-in-lilac buffet.
"
"a long-winded loser named smith
found a maxim to share with his kith.
the apothegm ran
a few hours, a span
that was painfully lacking in pith.
"
"continental ones tend to be light?
rolls or toast with a coffee seems right,
while the english kind means
eggs and bacon and beans.
both are breakfasts: sit down, have a bite.
"
"it's the very first meal of the day?
to the french, le petit d?jeuner.
they like breaking their fast
with a morning repast
of croissants and a caf? au lait.
"
"your radiant, glorious smile
and your shimmering, glimmering style
are a constant delight.
still we're hoping you might
give your brightness a rest for a while.
"
"it's a fellowship, order, or club
having members with elbows that rub.
these are people who share
common interests. so where
does my gang like to meet? at the pub!
"
"i'm a person who's calm, as a rule,
but my wife has been playing the fool.
she's a pest and a goad,
and i'm set to explode.
i'll be blowing her mind and my cool.
"
"as a teen on a fancy ranchero,
i dressed in a jaunty sombrero.
i was dashing and gay,
but i'm older today,
just a hobbled and gray caballero.
"
"it's the life of a spinster i'm facin'
by jilting the boyfriends who hasten
to ask me to marry.
it's william and harry,
those reign beaux, that i'm always chasin'.
"
"a canvasback's paddling south
in a river depleted by drouth,
when he's met by a fox
licking chops on the rocks.
soon the duck will be down in the mouth.
"
"in the pen, many prisoners curse;
their despair's making matters much worse.
but a few of them might
come to poetry night,
where each inmate cites captor and verse.
"
"an arab who's stuck in a jam'll
with luck have a ruminant mammal.
if a sandstorm's in sight,
he can quickly take flight
and then hump through the night on his camel.
"
"beriberi's a scary disease;
it appears when one vitamin b's
too deficient. you need
to remember to feed
on more egg rolls and liver and peas.
"
"when she steps on my scale, sister sadie
gets angry to hear she's one-eighty.
she storms to the door
where she blasts me some more.
(it's no treat to be weighing a lady.)
"
"that's an atlatl holding a dart,
which gets flung at a bear or a hart.
it's a killing machine
and a weapon once seen
by the tlingit as state of the art.
"
"the bola was spun round his head
and released as a flock of gulls sped
past the yupik, a man
(in a kayak) whose plan
was to knock at least one of them dead.
"
"the baidarka's a skin-covered boat
aleuts used in regions remote.
off alaska they plied
coastal waters with pride?
one of many such peoples of note.
"
"amelia nixes perfumers
and ladylike dress?hence the rumors.
she shows up in pants
at the temperance dance.
later on she'll be doffing her bloomers.
"
"her bulldog tenacity grows,
keeping loved ones and friends on their toes.
give her something to hold
and it's firmly controlled.
that's as plain as the ring through my nose.
"
"surrounding our prez is a group
of advisors who give him the scoop
on important affairs,
yet he acts unawares.
do the brain trusters know he's a stupe?
"
"the ministers meeting at bureaux
in brussels are smoking maduros,
engaged in debate
over matters of state
and the price of tobacco (in euros).
"
"this valve has a couple of clappers.
they're hinged so they function like flappers.
water stops when they close.
when they're open, it flows.
are there butterfly valves in our crappers?
"
"a pain of a brother was chris,
and his brattiness angered his sis.
once he ruined her tea
when he wouldn't agree
to give freddy, her froggy, a kiss.
"
"brokeback mountain's a flick that will addle
most cowboys and make them skedaddle.
you're pinin' away
for a fella who's gay?
get your butt, buddy, back in the saddle!
"
"radiation, unseen by the eye,
now erupts from a point in the sky.
our astronomers study
this burster, and buddy,
they're bursting with data to ply.
"
"when you're bulldogging (throwing a steer),
grab its horns, twist its neck, have no fear.
take it down to the ground,
rope its legs, leave them bound.
hear the fans at the rodeo cheer.
"
"assisting your lifelong pursuits
are the straps i've attached to your boots.
those are loops, it's been shown,
you must pull on your own
to enjoy, of your labor, the fruits.
"
"you were slim, keeping calories low?
such a sylph, then you started to grow.
now a binge has begun
and it's saddened me, hon,
that you've chosen to let your sylph go.
"
"if it's weight that you're starting to gain
and that carb-counting crap is a strain,
there's a fat farm i know
that should help you, although
most who go there have dubbed it camp pain.
"
"a calamity's here, no mistakin';
global warming has left us all shaken.
america's hot,
but it's worse, is it not,
what with every canadian bakin'?
"
"a cadaver thief's put on the spot
in a graveyard, about to be shot,
when he points to the stones
(which say marx) and intones,
""i've uncovered a communist plot!""
"
"some people we're calling get riled,
but others are quickly beguiled.
telemarketing marks
make us happy as larks.
they're the chumps who were born to be wiled.
"
"this film has producers who shine,
and the writing is top of the line.
it's the story of munich's
most pious of eunuchs.
so how does the castrate? divine!
"
"the cardinal hates spontaneity;
he castigates us for our gaiety:
""the devil's within
and your laughter's a sin . . .""
that's no way to be treating a laity!
"
"in london, a granny named sue
kept a blade in the heel of her shoe.
when she carved up a dame
in a lav, she became
the old woman who shivved in a loo.
"
"the camouflage helps us to hide
as we crawl through the swamp side by side.
i have mud head to toe,
but i'm thankful to know
even so there is sod on my guide.
"
"as the chef in the restaurant knows,
the beluga is old, and it shows.
for a food that's a tempter,
it's caviar emptor:
beware of those secondhand roes!
"
"in the ring is a heavyweight stiff
who'll be knocked to the mat in a jiff.
he's incredibly slow,
and a biff from his foe
brings the smelling salts out for a sniff.
"
"attached to the plow we've displayed
is a bull tongue, a very wide blade.
it exhibits its worth
for the tiller of earth
when the crop that he harvests is weighed.
"
"on the top of the plane is a dome
that's transparent and serves as the home
of a sky-watching guy
tracking courses on high.
(thus an astrodome's limned in this poem.)
"
"when an iceberg is calved, it breaks free
from a glacier and falls in the sea.
global warming is here,
and with each passing year,
polar ice caps produce more debris.
"
"we bakers are bread-making aces,
with recipes each one embraces.
we're eager to show
you our secrets on dough,
but it's done on a knead-to-know basis.
"
"a mean double agent who'd doled
out abuse went on leave, so i'm told.
but this bad-mouther yearned
for his job and returned.
he's the spy who came in from the scold.
"
"it's a close-fitting top or a blouse,
not the usual wear round the house,
but a body shirt's fine
if you're trying to shine
down at gold's as you mine for a spouse.
"
"a black-humored irishman, pat,
will perform at the drop of a hat.
he prefers doing wakes
'cause the corpse never takes
much offense when pat's patter falls flat.
"
"once abundant, the threatened cahow
is a bird rarely heard, even now.
still this petrel survives
in bermuda and strives
to revive, if conditions allow.
"
"i march to a drummer who's solo:
in fashion i favor a polo
(the shirt, not the game);
and to make it less tame,
it's adorned with a tie called a bolo.
"
"a con man is raking in dough
with a capper named haley, a pro.
but a cop blows the scam
(puts the crooks on the lam),
when he notices haley's m.o.
"
"my recalcitrant hair is a passel
of tangles and twists, like a tassel.
so allow me to gush
on the stiff-bristled brush,
for it's clear a man's comb is his hassle.
"
"a pill bug is causing o'keefe,
who's a grower of melons, some grief.
his casabas have creatures
with never-seen features,
which gives him a new lice on leaf.
"
"the husseins had a baby, they say,
who was ugly as sin?so outr?
that the mortified mom
told her husband, ""saddam,
no more children. let's call it uday.""
"
"a preamble of boilerplate text
leaves some clients bewildered and vexed.
though the formal bit's needed,
our lawyer's conceded
what's operative mainly comes next.
"
"elizabeth's pressed to renounce
the betrayals, as evidence mounts
of her carnal affairs.
but when charged, she declares,
""tell you what, let me weigh all the counts.""
"
"my pals paid a stripper a fee
for my bachelor bash, and since she
proved so awesome while bedding,
i canceled the wedding.
i'm footloose and fianc?e-free!
"
"calisthenics are lame, so i quit.
for my workouts i champ at the bit
and i struggle with ropes.
trying bondage, my hope's
that a man can get tied to be fit!
"
"a clam goes from tussle to tussle,
surviving on mettle and hustle.
this mollusk is smart,
but his strength is his heart.
such is life for the cardiac mussel.
"
"i'm a calf and i'm tooting my horn
'cause my birth is occurring this morn.
through a channel i squeeze,
then i'm out in the breeze.
jeez, for cattle, it's wild to be born!
"
"this project is clearly ambitious;
definitions we write are delicious.
our goal, never fear,
will be nearer next year
(though my wife is becoming suspicious).
"
"a bush that is baccate bears fruit;
the arbutus is one (what a beaut)!
the fruit, though, is berries,
not peaches or cherries,
both drupes of a different repute.
"
"when you suffer a sudden invasion
of elephants, that's an occasion
to check on the size
of their ears and surmise
(if they're small) that the creatures are asian.
"
"with the jerry-built homes, there is real
despair in this french bidonville.
in the shanties and shacks
live some arabs and blacks
for whom criminal acts have appeal.
"
"though i'm wooing with sweetness and suasion,
my wife takes the path of evasion.
so i know a priori
there'll be no amore.
(the gist of my judgment is bayesian.)
"
"a butt is a bank or a mound
behind targets to catch every round.
but the slug i just shot
now resides in a spot
(neath my foot) a few feet in the ground.
"
"watching matadors swagger and spring
in seville at a bullfighting ring,
with their waving of capes
and athletic escapes,
i'm amazed that i feel . . . not a thing.
"
"loggers level and buffer the ground
on the lines where the trees will be downed.
earth that's bedded is flatter,
so timber won't shatter,
thus making for wood that is sound.
"
"sheer hunger drives alice to look
in the wonderland recipe book
for some edible fare.
like white rabbit? march hare?
no, it's soup (the mock turtle) she'll cook.
"
"it's rubber and features a zipper
that runs down its length; and the shipper
is caught by surprise
by the movements and cries:
in this body bag lies something chipper!
"
"all those rhymes critics like to impugn
as bromidic, banal, and jejune
speak the language of love,
like the doves up above
who are crooning a honeymoon tune.
"
"william's children were canny and cool,
cutting class, playing dad for the fool;
so the archer objected
when teachers directed
the tailing of tells out of school.
"
"the centurions' ogles and jeers
had a young roman woman in tears,
till she stopped their appalling
behavior by calling,
""friends, countrymen, end me your leers!""
"
"a ghoul and his followers carted
cadavers from graveyards, then started
to bicker and beef,
discomposing the chief.
so the ghoul and his fold were soon parted.
"
"alexin is something we need,
or immunity's force won't succeed.
change the ""n"" to a ""c,""
get alexic, and we
have a word for ""unable to read.""
"
"life is over before it's begun
if you're living in fear; you're undone.
get a doctor to probe ya.
your ballistophobia
has made you afraid of a gun.
"
"every vector's expressed, and with ease,
by a linear combo of these.
they're a basis, the source
(independent, of course)
of a vector space?certain to please.
"
"there's an accident blocking the road,
and the traffic has suddenly slowed.
when i pass by the wreck,
i start straining my neck,
as i'm draining a bottle i stowed.
"
"in the brickyard, material's found
both on pallets and stacked on the ground.
there are blocks made of clay
by a hod (that's a tray),
and there's mortar and cinder around.
"
"cavorting young wildebeests cruise
through the jungle, disturbing the snooze
of a ravenous lion,
now cannily eyin'
his dinner. (i hear it's bad gnus.)
"
"acipenser's a genus of fishes.
their scales can be bony, but wishes
are not what you make
from the sturgeon you take?
it's that roe of fine caviar dishes.
"
"a biologist goes to the mall
to examine the lives, big and small,
of the gals who are shopping
without even stopping
or dropping?buyologists all!
"
"this medical school is designed
to make study a bona fide grind.
osteology class
is a total morass.
boning up's really blowing my mind.
"
"near the tigris, assyrians strode?
ancient people who followed a code:
making fun of the phony 'n'
dumb babylonian
asses who lived down the road.
"
"""the defendant arrived at the port,
took the coke to a beachside resort.
i walked up, said hello,
and he sold me the blow.""
said the narc, as a witness in court.
"
"he brawnily shoved me aside,
and he claimed he'd be tanning my hide,
but this muscle-bound dope
didn't notice my rope.
now he's lying there fit to be tied.
"
"diabolically bunkered, this green
has the deepest of sand traps i've seen?
i've been blasting my ball,
but keep hitting a wall.
i'll be lucky to score a thirteen!
"
"a beachcomber sifts through the sand
in the dunes with a rake in his hand.
he's collecting the shells
and the driftwood he sells
by the rules of supply and demand.
"
"with maid marion caught in a scrape,
friar tuck whips a plan into shape:
by diverting the foe
using robin hood's bow,
he provides her an arrow escape.
"
"you're a tolerant, liberal guy,
and broad-mindedly caring am i.
i'm a live-and-let-live
kind of gal, but i'll give
you advice, buster: don't even try!
"
"since i'm hip that this liver of mine
is a bust, i've been toeing the line.
but your wine has a nose
like a cheeky merlot's,
so my heart says a nip'll be fine.
"
"my colleagues have carped at my study.
my friends have been calling it cruddy.
they've chipped at its thesis
and picked it to pieces.
oy, vey! every critic's a buddy.
"
"a dwarf bent on saving his neck
leaves from prague on a perilous trek.
to a man loading casks
at a truck stop, he asks,
""tell me, sir, can you cache a small czech?""
"
"on the corner, a destitute man
has a cup and a desperate plan.
it's a dismal ordeal
to be down at the heel
in a life that is cadge-as-cadge-can.
"
"a mallard walks in through the door
of a bar and says, ""gin, por favor.""
""we don't see many ducks,""
says the barman, ""ten bucks.""
""at that price, you won't see many more!""
"
"as a youth, i decided to learn
how to type, but i couldn't discern
how to start a new line,
till a teacher of mine
put my hand on the carriage return.
"
"to a cannabis lecturer's dread,
many students like liquor instead,
so it's booze that they're choosing
to study?refusing
to go to the class of the head.
"
"in haiti, you knock on the door
of a witch doctor called the bokor.
you try to be calm?be
composed when a zombie
responds, offers rum, starts to pour.
"
"an astrocyte's simply a cell
with the shape of a star, not a bell.
just how many there are
in my body is far
from determined, as best i can tell.
"
"this iron's for barking a tree,
not a club used in golf, like a three.
one's an implement made
to strip bark with its blade,
while the other gets played off a tee.
"
"we'll be testing a radar technique:
the receiver we'll put by the creek,
while up here by the tree,
the transmitter will be.
it's a bistatic system we seek.
"
"a man who resided in harwich
found motorcars fit to disparage.
say people who knew 'im,
he favored the brougham
and rode in a horse-driven carriage.
"
"as the bearer of tidings and news,
he's the one we unfairly abuse
when the message he brings
is of terrible things,
so he's singin' the carrier's blues.
"
"the carrier's handshake or sneeze
is a vector for spreading disease.
since the agent he bears
is infectious, he scares
me to death when we're shooting the breeze.
"
"i've improved on my carrier's grip
to produce a more accurate flip.
now my newspapers soar
to the customer's door?
and the roofs of the folks who don't tip.
"
"near toronto, a birder named bruce
and a woman who's known to be loose
watch some waterfowl pass,
when she pinches his ass.
she's a fan of the canada goose.
"
"a report on the youth of today
shows the parliament having their say:
there's one activist group
they have knocked for a loop
in a study called ""yippie cahier.""
"
"i'm filleting a shark in my boat,
and its skeleton leads to this note:
cartilaginous fishes
make wonderful dishes,
and bones won't get caught in your throat.
"
"the knicks had us tied up in knots,
and our guards couldn't find the right spots.
since our field goals weren't falling,
the offense was stalling.
then coach began calling the shots.
"
"there's a carriage and bearing displayed
by the upper-class folks who parade
through the streets of the town
(noses up), looking down
on the gals in the streetwalking trade.
"
"at the point where the scapula ends,
the acromion sits and extends
to the clavicle, which
i once broke on the pitch
playing soccer one day with my friends.
"
"i've struggled while carrying stones
and repressed all the grumbles and groans.
there are two-minute breaks,
but my body just aches?
i need time to be resting my bones.
"
"when people around you start ailing
and even the healthy are failing,
you need to take care
not to breathe in their air?
staying hale by judicious inhaling.
"
"your 'do might be something to dig
or mistaken by bros for a wig,
but if ever the door
isn't wide enough for
your hair, then your 'fro is too big.
"
"brick red is a russety brown
rarely found in a graduate's gown;
but in bristol and leeds,
educational needs
can be met in the redbrick in town.
"
"annunciate means ""to announce,""
but the way that it sounds now accounts
for its being misused
when it's wrongly confused
with enunciate, meaning ""pronounce.""
"
"a lumberjack says to a cutter,
""we gotta dispose of this clutter.
get that skinny guy gil
rolling logs down the hill.
he ain't heavy; he's only my brutter.""
"
"if you move all your holdings in here,
then no conflicts of interest appear.
it's a blind trust that's run
by a broker who's done
some investing in skittles and beer.
"
"an optimist, sensing the need
for a toilet, may somehow succeed?
find an aire de repos
just by wishing it so,
and then go to perform his candide.
"
"pull the lace ends with all that you've got.
intertwine them and cinch at a spot.
make a loop, then a wrap.
push it through; it's a snap!
now your shoe's tied?believe it or knot.
"
"the students are getting unruly
and clogging up halls in a truly
unprincipled way,
leading teachers to stay
in their rooms?even mr. bernoulli.
"
"in a kenyan savanna that's flat
lives a reddish-brown, long-legged cat.
the caracal hears
with his black-tufted ears,
which we humans, if wise, shouldn't pat.
"
"on a pond in the shade of a park
paddle dabblers whose plumage is dark.
these are black ducks, oft taken
for mallards who make, in
the lakes of the prairie, their mark.
"
"when you're speaking of bossies, it's fine
and decidedly not out of line
to refer to ""a pair,""
though some cowboys might care
to regale you with ""two of a kine.""
"
"a slug that apophallates gnaws
off another slug's member, because
disengaging from sex
can be hard and complex
for a creature whose penis size awes.
"
"to his friends, alessandro's a fount
of support?each is given a mount.
so they'll buy, for his wedding,
some feathery bedding.
they aim to get down for the count.
"
"there's the nicest of uncles in nice
who enjoys finding rocks by caprice.
when he chances on slices
of granites and gneisses,
he sends all his nieces a piece.
"
"i've provided my birdie a billet.
there's a tray in this cage, and i fill it
each morning with seeds,
so my parakeet feeds
on his thistle, canola, and millet.
"
"the brownies, as cute as can be,
are our girl scouts, grade one to grade three.
being young, they're still rookies
at selling their cookies.
s'mores are the best ones, to me.
"
"to the pedant, it's open and shut
and a case that's as dried as it's cut:
a conjunction should not
start a sentence! eh, what?
get your head, buddy, out of your but!
"
"a ball-hawkin' basketball cat
liked to shoot at the drop of a hat.
if he scored, then he stayed
in the lineup and played.
if he threw up an air ball, he sat.
"
"in india, brahmans are classed
at the top of the heap, while in last
come untouchables, who
(just between me and you)
would be happy to stone the first caste.
"
"there are body blows thrown in the ring?
they're permitted when pugilists swing.
but a punch that is felt
much below a man's belt
is taboo for the pain it can bring.
"
"block and tackle's for moving the stock,
using pulleys and ropes, at the dock.
a longshoreman recalls
many long-ago falls
when, in football, he'd tackle and block.
"
"the back judge takes care of the clock,
and he watches receivers who block.
he's a ref down the field
who keeps his eyes peeled
for fear he'll be wearing a jock.
"
"blues-rock is a musical fusion,
a blend of two sounds?an inclusion,
like bobby ""blue"" bland
on ""the weight"" with the band
in a black-meeting-bluesy collusion.
"
"it's a cream sauce with mushrooms and zing,
which pimiento or peppercorn bring.
with turkey or chicken,
it's good, but will thicken
your waist if you eat ? la king.
"
"a seafaring wordsmith's reward
is the nautical terms he'll record.
so i'm making a note
of the plank on this boat.
i'm not bored writing board while on board.
"
"ever fearful of caisson disease
when i dive, i ascend by degrees,
thus preventing the bends.
but when driving my friends,
my mercedes goes fast as i please.
"
"for dental decay, i'm your fellow,
eating candy and cookies and jello.
i don't brush. i don't floss.
so my teeth are a loss.
people say i am carious (yellow).
"
"to the winnipeg river it slinks,
looks around, and then furtively drinks.
ever cautious, this deer
has a wildcat to fear?
the intrepid canadian lynx.
"
"after finishing shaping and lathing
the wood, i was ripe for some bathing.
but the soap i'd had shipped
was so caustic, it stripped
off a layer of skin?it was scathing.
"
"an artillery gunner is proud
if his cannon stands out in the crowd.
though the bigger the bore
means the greater the roar,
can an ear stand barrages so loud?
"
"these freshwater denizens spawn
in the ocean each morning at dawn.
it's the sea that appeals
to catadromous eels,
who are saltily getting it on.
"
"a frame for a window or door,
or a membrane for meat from a store;
a pipe in a well,
or what covers a shell:
they're all casings (which don't stop at four).
"
"the potheads assemble at dark
for a cannabis toke in the park.
there's a stranger, a newbie,
inspecting the doobie,
so casing the joint is a narc.
"
"the urologist acted surprised
when he looked at my eyes and advised,
""since your pupils are yellow,
your bladder, my fellow,
must quickly be catheterized.""
"
"japan now commands admiration.
its autos reflect innovation.
economically powered,
the country has flowered,
becoming a bloomin' carnation.
"
"from his new point of view, he would show
how heat engines' efficiencies grow.
for each cycle that's real
there's a limit, ideal:
so theorized sadi carnot.
"
"a sequence by cauchy is such
that its members get close, almost touch.
it's a series i studied
in college, now muddied
by dotage, of which i have much.
"
"our broadway debut faded fast
when the actors left critics aghast.
so that's surely the reason
for failure last season,
but who wants to stone the first cast?
"
"this fortress was built by the proles,
who were beaten and treated like trolls.
now rebellion is nigh,
and with torches held high
they will bring the new castle to coals.
"
"a parisian chorine can recall
being cautioned: ""no leaning, stand tall!
when you kick, stay erect,
so that leg will project.
in the cancan, you can't cant at all.""
"
"there's a buddy i'd like you to meet?
mr. lector, who lives down the street.
if you happen to quiz 'im
on cannibalism,
he'll tell you we are what we eat.
"
"an avian veterinarian
(a certified non-vegetarian)
is flying today
with a vulture fillet,
so he's carryin' carry-on carrion.
"
"in the zoo there is much disarray
at the new crocodilian display.
all the animals act
like they're being attacked
by the gator that caiman today.
"
"auntie's calorie-counting each day,
losing weight the traditional way,
but my diet for you
has a measure that's new,
being based on the carbuncle ray.
"
"among veggies, i favor the yam,
and i'm partial to sugar-cured ham.
i like fruitcake and beets,
so i'm frank about sweets.
people tell me how candied i am.
"
"i used to change jobs every year,
but the fourth anniversary's here
of my driving this cab
(and engaging in gab).
yes, i'm leading a checkered career.
"
"the ventriloquist's party is swinging;
his canary, set free, is now winging
from table to chair.
yes, the host's over there,
but i know why this birdcage is singing.
"
"as the christians are put to the test
by the lions, the senators rest
near the emperor's seat.
for the roman elite,
the caesarian section is best.
"
"our forested neighborhood park
can at times become misty and dark.
these caliginous days
bring a sort of a haze
in which contrasts are vague and not stark.
"
"you're a cad who's seen fit to demand
i go out on a date that you've planned.
don't be having a cow,
but what part is it now
of n-o that you don't understand?
"
"tuesday weld arrived nameless?the way
lots of babies did then, so they say.
mother noted to dad,
""it's the ninth one we've had.
no more children. let's call it a day.""
"
"the attainment of physical beauty,
to greeks, was each citizen's duty.
callipygian is what
they considered a butt
like beyonc?'s bodacious patootie.
"
"a boy at our band camp one summer
respected each new up-and-comer.
the dutiful beat
of his cadence was sweet,
and we marched to a deferent drummer.
"
"that cadaver's my grandfather gene,
who in life was a punning machine.
so this mourning i'll riff
at the wake on a stiff
who jocosely remains to be seen.
"
"i'm a hack, and i'm keeping a tab
on the gypsies who swoop in to grab
every fare that i'm after,
then taunt me with laughter.
so yes, you can call me a cab.
"
"a rancher awakens and shudders.
the night was so muggy he mutters,
""my cattle are out
in the damp. little doubt
under them will be dew on two udders.""
"
"a doper was looking to hide
marijuana, but nowhere he tried
seemed a suitable place,
till he noticed a vase
that was perfect to cachepot inside.
"
"in wickerwork, caners might cleave
their rattan and malacca, then weave
them together in ways
that will simply amaze,
making chairs clientele can't believe.
"
"there's a term to be seen and not heard
in this verse, which at first seems absurd.
think of weaving a chair
with a wickerwork flair.
can ingeniousness dig up the word?
"
"""when a leaf is canescent, it reaches
pubescence,"" a botanist teaches
his students, ""and there's
a new growth of fine hairs
(grayish white), like the fuzz on our peaches.""
"
"the cannon bone goes from the hock
of a horse to the fetlock. a knock
to this part of a steed
can be fatal and lead
to more glue in a factory's stock.
"
"arbitrariness shows in the way
all the orders i issue convey,
in a pigheaded voice,
every whimsical choice
that i make. hey, i mean what i say!
"
"a cap sleeve is part of a dress
or a blouse that's designed to impress
by extending a bit
past the shoulder. is it
a success? for some women, i guess.
"
"on occasion, i treated her baddishly,
despite which she fell for me maddishly.
concerned she'd gone batty,
i turned rather ratty
and boorish, then jilted her caddishly.
"
"when her candidacy was announced,
the incumbent's machine quickly pounced.
it was loaded for bear
and had money to spare.
at the polls she was thoroughly trounced.
"
"the west point cadet (no one's fresher)
is constantly put through the thresher
of uniform dress.
call it charcoal duress:
he's exhibiting grays under pressure.
"
"we expected a bitter harangue
from the head of the criminal gang
on the gallows that day
when he had his last say.
he confessed?to not caring a hang.
"
"his crowning achievement in life
is this capstone: a wonderful wife
whom he wed as a virgin
(intact when a surgeon
restored her with suture and knife).
"
"auriga's first magnitude star
is capella, much brighter by far
than most objects above.
make a wish on it?love
will endure (or if not, au revoir).
"
"a capitate growth like a zit
forms a head, adding pus bit by bit.
if you constantly pop it,
you'll likely not stop it
from being a scarified pit.
"
"what's known as the capital stock
of a company stands for the block
of all shares (and their splits)
ever issued?so it's
not a piece, but the whole of the rock.
"
"the star thistle goes by this name,
as do puncture vines, weeds of acclaim.
both these plants feature spines,
while some calthrops' designs
are so parlous they'll make horses lame.
"
"her brassieres have an utter capaciousness,
a definable double-d spaciousness.
dolly parton is wise
to their copious size,
but makes light of her ta-tas' bodaciousness.
"
"our bones are calcareous. why?
they have calcium in them, so i
switched to milk drinks from tea
for the vitamin d.
now my bone mass and density's high.
"
"a calcareous substance like tums,
with its calcium carbonate, comes
to the rescue on nights
when you're seeing the sights
with your chums chasing vodkas with rums.
"
"the calcicoles grow without toil
on calcareous, nocuous soil.
they've adapted through time
to the presence of lime,
but these plants haven't grown yet in oil.
"
"a calvary cross has a base
with three steps, representing the grace
of the trinity, right?
(that's a guess, so i might
have some crucifix egg on my face.)
"
"in arkansas, louisiana,
and east texas around texarkana,
the indians known
as the caddo were shown
to have lived (not in maine or montana).
"
"here's cane with a four-part agenda:
a stem that's both hollow and slenda;
a rod used for hidin';
a stick when you're stridin';
a grass yielding sugar, not splenda.
"
"on air china, i flew from tibet
to chengdu?not a trip to forget.
though the cabin was clean,
i was soon turning green
when they served us the yak en brochette.
"
"i'm leery of smelling a rose
lest aciculas stick in my nose.
these thorns will draw blood
that turns into a flood . . .
(that's as far as this limerick goes.)
"
"english bodies, both biggish and small,
were in motion inside of the hall,
as the snooker men vied
for a pot using side:
body english was ""guiding"" the ball.
"
"""attack on my order!"" commanded lee,
then chose to elaborate candidly:
""to be perfectly frank,
if the north strikes our flank,
we'll be lucky to leave here one-handedly.""
"
"the molding that runs round the hall
in our home, near the ceiling, we call
a cavetto, whose curve,
being concave, will serve
to keep dust farther down on the wall.
"
"in china, a medical aide
worked in rural environs, ill-paid.
this ""doctor"" was ""barefoot,""
replacing the harefoot
of shamans who once were obeyed.
"
"is it bogey or bogie or bogy
for this geezer who golfs in muskogee?
all three can be spirits.
the first one? i hear it's
a stroke over par for a fogy.
"
"in the land of the beans and the cod,
the bostonian doesn't sound odd.
while they're twangin' in austin,
the people of boston
are ""pahking the cah in the yahd.""
"
"a causative factor is one
of the reasons a task isn't done?
like that homework of late,
which my terrier ate
while i went on a date with my hon.
"
"there's a critic who's trenchant and biting;
causticity runs through his writing.
when a party is planned
for the cast, understand
that he won't be a man they're inviting.
"
"cavalierism's said to relate
to the quality, nature, or state
of a poet or knight
who's urbane?or it might
mean ""disdain,"" not too charming a trait.
"
"christianity converts are pressed
to learn doctrine; they're put to the test.
catechumens get versed
in the discipline first,
and then baptism winds up their quest.
"
"catecholaminergic reactions
can sometimes be more than distractions.
epinephrine can start
overtaxing the heart,
leading docs to be sued for infractions.
"
"it's the battle arenas he's snubbed
and society's elbows he's rubbed.
he's a buckingham lug
who likes cutting the rug.
thus the carpet knight aptly is dubbed.
"
"the roads in the towns where i travel
are riddled with potholes and gravel.
it's a petty concern
for most truckers, but durn,
i'll complain cuz i'm learnin' to cavil.
"
"a hog-farming buddy of mine
is an expert at knitting with twine.
to the piggies he pitches
his fanciest stitches:
he loves casting purls before swine.
"
"i'll be adding an ex-lax or two
to these brownies i'm making for you.
you've been secretly taking
the cakes i've been baking.
have fun when you run to the loo.
"
"though i sense his disdain, still i nearly
fall head over heels, for he clearly
is sexy and hot.
but i'm gay and he's not,
so i, too, will behave cavalierly.
"
"this poem is lyric, not stony?
italian, but not by marconi.
perhaps proven?al,
although not by mistral,
it's the songlike, medieval canzone.
"
"the reserves and the national guard
find their lives get a little bit hard
when a call-up occurs
and each soldier defers
slapping steaks on the grill in the yard.
"
"the cantle's the rear of a saddle
that sits on a horse that you straddle.
it's the part that projects,
sloping upward, where tex
sets his keister before he'll skedaddle.
"
"a passenger starts to berate
the attendant who's asked him to wait
before boarding the plane
with his case of champagne.
there's a carrying-on at the gate!
"
"gerardus created a flap
with projections increasing the gap
between latitude lines.
cartographical minds
took mercator for naming this map.
"
"it's a sudden, intensive campaign
from a madison avenue brain.
it's a bombing attack,
or a rush by a back.
to the victims, each blitz is a bane.
"
"left behind, from the brush cuts we see
on our soldiers, is hairy debris,
whereas brush-cutting means
when a lumberjack cleans
out the slash from a trail or a tree.
"
"""in an infinite sequence that's cauchy,
the elements draw rather close,"" she
explained to a shy
and disinterested guy
in her math class?the typically gauche he.
"
"if you've played philharmonic bassoon
or viola for many a moon,
you might think you're the boss,
but beware if you cross
the conductor, who's calling the tune.
"
"a timber projects near the prow
of a ship (like a frigate or scow),
whether moving or moored.
here the anchor's secured,
but this cathead's not saying ""meow.""
"
"a car rental company flirts
with disaster; they're losing their shirts.
competition is tight,
and when nothing goes right,
they discover that bankruptcy hertz.
"
"at the back of my skull is a spigot?
a petcock that's not very big; it
allows me to drain
all the mush from my brain.
so i call it my brain drain?you dig it?
"
"they calibrate watches, these guys.
then they wait for the runners to rise
and take off at the crack
of the gun down the track.
they're the souls who are timing men's tries.
"
"autonomous region's the way
the chinese are referring today
to the country tibet,
but with little regret
that tibetans they rule have no say.
"
"though this writer's ostensible topic
is creatures, his stories aesopic
(on tortoises, sables,
and foxes) are fables
whose morals are plainly anthropic.
"
"""the full-figured woman, c'est moi,""
jane russell points out with ?clat.
""my biggest successes
are under my dresses
in playtex's cross-your-heart bra.""
"
"on a cambrian-era vacation,
biologists skip recreation.
they're earning their spurs
when explosion occurs
and all phyla commence radiation.
"
"as the dinosaur chased him that day,
the cave dweller hurried away
yelling, ""dinosaur meat
is my favorite treat?
if you catch me, you're bronto souffl?!""
"
"a stiff-finished fabric of cotton
is buckram, for clothes long forgotten;
and as cover and spine
of a book, it works fine,
like my thesis on egypt's ikhnaton.
"
"i've been cannibalizing a jeep
to get plenty of parts on the cheap.
though the chassis is shot,
there's a roof rack that's hot,
so i'm sitting on top of the heap.
"
"he has candles from greece and australia;
of tallow and wax he'll regale ya.
with the tapers, the wicks,
the bobeches, the sticks,
he delights in his paraffinalia.
"
"your cardiac rhythm's the beat
of your heart, not your bongos or feet.
hypochondriacs fear
for this organ so dear:
when it skips, they turn white as a sheet.
"
"brass knuckles are wonderful things,
giving fingers protection with rings.
they're simply quite dandy
for clocking a candy-
ass sucker who stands up and sings.
"
"a conductor, exerting his pull,
bribes a brangus with payment in full
to evaluate tones
of cornets and trombones.
now he's taking the horns by the bull.
"
"a small northern fish like the cod,
the capelin's a creature of god.
and the source of his name
is exactly the same
as a chaplain's. now isn't that odd?
"
"it's an object we kicked (then we ran)
and a warship that battled japan.
it's a prison, a loo,
and a derri?re, too.
these are five of the meanings of can.
"
"george washington carver's pursuit
of a nut and a tuberous root
led him out in the field
for this posthumous yield:
sweet potato and peanut repute.
"
"my friend from hanoi calls me ""fatty,""
deliberately driving me batty.
""you're 126
and five-seven!"" she picks.
so her unit of weight is the catty.
"
"a sculptor of wood from caernarvon
makes figures exquisitely carven.
he's skilled with a knife,
but has messed up his life,
'cause, let's face it, most artists are starvin'.
"
"a cardholder, new in september
to visa (a platinum member),
was shocked and made ill
by the first monthly bill,
so she canceled the card in november.
"
"at the highest church dinners i've been,
when i order a wine, others grin.
though the archbishop might
ask for red or dry white,
i get pink. (that's a cardinal zin.)
"
"today's match-up for duke? unc.
(they're the tarheels, as dumb as can be.)
i'm a blue devil fan;
around here, i'm the man!
(this is cameron and tip-off's at 3.)
"
"a sheikh with a camel named clyde
tells a lady he takes for a ride,
""arab horses are cool,
but these bactrians rule.
you get double the humps with each stride.""
"
"alcaptonuria? urine big trouble!
better get to a doc on the double!
you're sick?not al capp
(that old comic strip chap
who drew shmoos with a lip full of stubble).
"
"the buttonbush shrub is the source
of a bitterish bark that the horse
and the donkey won't chew;
for dem donkeys dat's blue,
""buttin' bush"" is a madder of course.
"
"my pooch likes to play, and he's full
of the devil with tricks that he'll pull.
there's a water gun here
he just aimed at a steer?
now my terrier's shooting the bull!
"
"i'm drinking and thinking that i owe
my love of a prefix like bio-
(or bi-, meaning ""living"")
to getting a shivving
and kicking in licking, ohio.
"
"as a kid, i was scared through and through
by a ghost who was haunting our flue.
now i'm older?but could,
when i'm adding some wood
to the fire, get spooked. d?j? boo!
"
"it's oysters i eat by the panful
and spinach i down by the canful.
i can pop any tin
with my teeth and my chin.
so i am what i am, and that's manful.
"
"i admit that i'm feeling content
with my hair brush. it's made for a gent?
or perhaps for a swine?
on the handle's a sign
saying, ""boar bristle: hundred percent.""
"
"benedictines are thinkin' of bannin'
a monk from the town of dungannon.
since he's actin' the fool,
floutin' dogma and rule,
he's becomin' the order's loose canon.
"
"many months now i've dreamed as i've slumbered
of weeks going by unencumbered.
since gregorian sages
put digits on pages,
my calendar's days appear numbered.
"
"""a distinctive and singular feature
of this goatlike and ungulate creature
is his bluish-gray coat.
hail the bharal!"" i wrote
for my college zoology teacher.
"
"though these coins may be part of your stash,
in beijing they're not risky to flash.
since their value is small,
no one bothers at all
when they learn that you're paying in cash.
"
"i'm a cat's-paw, complaisant and mild,
quite easily conned and beguiled.
how i'd love to be cool
and make others the fool,
but i guess i'm just born to be wiled.
"
"a carrier, given a coastal
(unwanted) assignment, at most'll
perform on demand.
but beware if he's canned,
for a mailman can quickly go postal!
"
"there are big-headed chefs who i bet'll
wear toques while they boast of their mettle,
but the worst of the lot
hasn't even a pot.
he's the cook who's all hat and no kettle.
"
"in riyadh at a certain locale,
saudi chiefs, to improve the morale
of the arabs who scramble
to party and gamble,
have built the casino riyal.
"
"when a pontiff is dyed-in-the-wool,
solemn letters he writes will be full
of conservative views.
were it gossipy news,
would you say that he's shooting the bull?
"
"""you're smitten by lancelot, dear,""
said king arthur to sweet guinevere,
""though those trysts may delight,
you're not treating me right.
one-knight stands? that's a mite cavalier.""
"
"said hemingway, planning a prank
on o'connor, ""i just want to thank
and congratulate you
for your candid review.
you were earnest, so i will be frank.""
"
"calamites: a genus of plants
found in fossils from china to france?
just a middle-sized tree
that most experts agree
looked a lot like the horsetail, by chance.
"
"in this realm of the knight and the peer,
where refinement and polish are dear,
men are suave and urbane
and don't deign to complain
over trifles?we don't cavil 'ere.
"
"this task for you fellas must be
quite a burden. (most wives would agree.)
when you go to the john,
flex those muscles?go on,
lift the seat before taking a pee!
"
"that the corpses were rotting was plain,
but the cannibals couldn't refrain
from devouring the dead,
till cadaverine led
to the imminent rite of ptomaine.
"
"city hall is the place i will go
for cadastral recordings to show
that the buildings that stand
on the neighboring land
have been taxed at a rate that's too low.
"
"a redhead with locks that were curly,
a carrottopped moppet and girlie,
was one of the best
at riposting a jest
with this wisecrack: ""and don't call me shirley.""
"
"anhydrite, aragonite, bone,
and stalactites that form on a stone
are all calcium-rich,
having substances which
are termed calcic?so chemists have shown.
"
"a parrot or cuckoo would do?
a canary or cockatoo, too.
i'm planning to buy
a new cageling to try
out the coop that my birdie just flew.
"
"on my catalan farm, i'll allow
that the oxen out pulling the plow
in the lightning and rain
are in danger?that's plain,
so i'm bringing the cattle in now.
"
"bill clinton was hung out to dry
when he stupidly tried to deny
having sex with a dame.
kenneth starr got acclaim
when he caught out the prez in a lie.
"
"i discovered a hapless iguana
while fishing in british guiana.
he was swimming alone
and got stripped to the bone
by a vicious caribe piranha.
"
"in a square in beijing, carrefour
has a store that announces, ""bon jour!""
at a crossroads it sits,
selling everything?it's
china's leader for food and couture.
"
"johnny rebs were defeated and staggery,
beleaguered by northerners' waggery.
coming after the war,
it made southerners sore
to be mocked by these fools' carpetbaggery.
"
"this burlesque is outrageous and campy?
the gals are affectedly vampy.
the fellas have wrists
that are limp, and the trysts
they engage in are slutty and trampy.
"
"the colonial family knew
that the shrubs and the pitch pine that grew
on their land offered light
when the dusk turned to night?
that a candlewood candle would do.
"
"canna genus of lilies entrance?
canna tropical herb be, by chance,
such a source of delights
it enchants and excites?
canna verse sing the praises of plants?
"
"going camelback, ahab the guide
took his bactrian out for a ride.
being stuck between humps,
he was down in the dumps,
getting bumped on his rump with each stride.
"
"two anadromous candlefish came
from the sea in an amorous game,
and upriver they swam,
climbing over a dam,
found a spot, and then kindled the flame.
"
"his candidness borders on rude,
so his colleagues are apt to conclude
that he's trying to irk,
but he isn't a jerk?
just excited to work in the nude.
"
"the china we speak of today
has a long-ago name that's pass?.
once a man, marco polo,
went traveling solo
due east and ""discovered"" cathay.
"
"the tums that i chew are calciferous,
producing effects salutiferous.
their carbonate (calcium)
boosts my morale?see 'em
douse all my heartburn. splendiferous!
"
"on my china tour, here were the keys:
see the sights, eat the food, drink the teas.
but three weeks of this stuff?
i said, ""stop, that's enough!
give me burgers. no more cantonese!""
"
"biorhythms react to the light
of the day and the dark of the night.
they're controlling our drives
and affecting our lives?
all the time, out of mind, out of sight.
"
"a beach bum has stolen a batch
of sardines from a trawlerman's hatch.
when the harbor patrol
spots him out on a shoal,
off he surfs, after waiving the catch.
"
"burgomasters are mayors who touch
on the daily affairs of the dutch:
their aversions and likes?
whether tulips or dikes
or their cheeses, like gouda and such.
"
"a blue stellar object behaves
rather oddly: no radio waves
get emitted?which means
that recordings of queen's
won't be playing tonight at the raves.
"
"i'm a corner who likes to defend
against wideouts and hold up my end.
when i charge the qb,
then one blitzer is me.
it's the passer i plan to upend.
"
"a boychick is not what you think?
say, a kid who wears both blue and pink.
he's a boy and that's all,
'cause the suffix means ""small""
(from the yiddish for -y after dink).
"
"the hospital's studies have shown
osteologists sadly are prone
to so little demand
that they all should be canned.
we'll be cutting our costs to the bone.
"
"the baqqara tribe in sudan
raise their cattle as best as they can.
the consecutive q's
in their name should enthuse
every lexical trivia fan.
"
"my thinking's the basis and heart
of the groundwork i've laid from the start.
i exist, ma ch?rie;
oui, je pense, donc je suis.
(so asserted the famous descartes.)
"
"the beefalos, squab, and sardines
show what biodiversity means:
each species we kill
takes a food off the grill,
so we're losing exotic cuisines.
"
"at delta, we worship the souse;
think of wormer the dean as a louse;
hate omegas and smarties;
wear togas at parties.
we rock at the animal house!
"
"on the top of my admiral range
are the burners, which act rather strange
when their elements crack.
there is one at the back
i'll replace at the local exchange.
"
"there's gabriel up in the sky
next to michael?both serve adonai.
in the hebrew tradition,
these archangels' mission
is working for god up on high.
"
"for ms. arthur, it's sass that's the key?
acid wit to the highest degree.
on the golden girls show,
as the actresses know,
it ain't honey that powers that bea.
"
"in boston, the red sox are kings
now that players have champions' rings.
after eighty-six years
of their losing and tears,
they've a win and the glory it brings.
"
"i've been trying to open a cask,
but it's proving a difficult task.
so i'll bang on it hard,
bung it up in the yard,
rip the bung out, and fill up my flask.
"
"was the jerk who tried knocking the pope off
leo brezhnev or yuri andropov?
the assassin, a turk,
made a mess of the work,
thereby pissing some soviet dope off.
"
"my indifference betokens callosity,
and my arrogance outright pomposity.
it comes off as a joke
when i ask any bloke
why my actions evoke animosity.
"
"the station i usually play
here in pittsburgh, pa, every day
(not just once in a while)
on my radio dial
has the call letters kdka.
"
"a cadastre's a register showing
how sales in the county are going
on parcels of land,
where the boundaries stand,
and what taxes the owners are owing.
"
"see that apple? now isn't it cute!
my kitty looks just like that fruit.
i see whiskers and eyes
in that pippin disguise.
such a catfacing's truly a beaut.
"
"it's as much as a cart's gonna hold,
be it guano, garbanzos, or gold.
there are golf carts and go-carts
and tea carts, but no cart's
got more than a cartload, all told.
"
"you reward 'em and lay it on thick
when they're good, but then switch if they pick
a recalcitrant track?
grab the whip, make it crack.
this approach is called carrot-and-stick.
"
"the melody sung by the chorus
was dulcet, euphonic, canorous,
mellifluous, sweet?
a harmonious treat.
(so i learned from my trusty thesaurus.)
"
"the brazier who brasses my hat
and the braiser who's cooking in fat
are truly amazing,
but here i'll be praising
the brazer who soldered my vat.
"
"my cloddishness rarely delights
and my boorishness often incites.
i'm a scoundrel and cur,
often quick with a slur.
yes, my caddishness even starts fights.
"
"i confess that the calculus of
variations ain't math that i love:
where you study the ins
and the outs of the mins
of a function approached from above.
"
"signorina puccini of italy
could play the coquette rather prettily;
but she bristled when men
acted cold now and then
by ignoring or treating her brittlely.
"
"the calcium sulfate you master
in gypsum, anhydrite, and plaster
of paris is cool.
it's a compound (and tool)
that makes setting and drying go faster.
"
"the calcium oxide in lime
is a caustic that's white at the time
when it's solid and pure?
not a lime juice, i'm sure,
like what's making my rickeys sublime.
"
"the calcium silicate used
in construction has limestone that's fused
to both clinker and clay.
there are shoes made this way
when the mafia isn't amused.
"
"the calcium oxalate found
in my urine is chemically bound
to the stones i've amassed
in my kidney and passed.
hey, the big ones weigh more than a pound!
"
"calcium gluconate's one
of the supplements sometimes begun
by the geezers like me
who need vitamin d,
but are warned to stay out of the sun.
"
"a mixture of whiting and glue,
it's what's used by a plastering crew.
i put calcimine on
all the walls of my john,
adding decals of winnie the pooh!
"
"my wife has a penchant for taking
her cold cream and mixing and making
a paste that she'll place
on her neck and her face.
she likes smearing and coating and caking.
"
"when you buy in your items from sale
at the auction, it means that they fail
to garner the price
that you set to suffice
to successfully cover your tail.
"
"when you purchase enough of a stock
that you own a majority block,
you have bought in. your role?
you are now in control
of the company's barrel and lock.
"
"they were places of evil (begorra!)?
gomorra and sodom, whose aura
of baseness was greater
than that in the later
dishonest and secret camorra.
"
"a canebrake's a place of seclusion,
a thicket of cane?the illusion
of something serene,
while a cane break can mean
(for a geezer) another contusion.
"
"through each bodily structure there wind
canaliculi, channels defined
as ""canals which are small.""
that they're present in all
of our organs just boggles the mind!
"
"the campos and pampas are plains?
south american grasslands where reigns
the vaquero, who rides
with amigos and guides
los ganados, and never complains.
"
"the mosquitoes are getting hellacious!
their craving for blood is voracious.
we need a repellent
that's gummily gellant
and able to smell camphoraceous.
"
"consider the hominid's capableness.
its mimicry speaks to its apeableness?
it's just like a man's.
evolution thus stands!
my conclusion enjoys inescapableness.
"
"what capacitates sperm and allows
them to break into eggs and arouse
any gametes they meet,
then unite? (ain't it neat
to consider the whys and the hows?)
"
"the capelet she's wearing tonight
on her shoulders is silken and light.
there's a nip in the air,
and she just doesn't care
to be bare with her cleavage in sight.
"
"holding toxins, it's metal-encased,
and this canister soon will be placed
in a cannon and shot
at the range?where a lot
of the training leaves hazardous waste.
"
"these containers hold objects and stuff,
like your sugar, paprika, or snuff.
in my kitchen at home
there's a canister (chrome)
with a tag on it: ""marshmallow fluff.""
"
"the banded brush beetle's a bug,
but the kind you'd see under your rug?
i'm unable to say?
i've been looking all day,
but no info's available. 
"
"a farmer who's sticking his arm
in a thresher is filled with alarm.
when the blades start to move,
he gets caught in a groove
and discovers he's buying the farm.
"
"there's artifice, intrigue, a plot!
this cabal of usurpers has got
the clandestine intent
to connive and foment
a rebellion! let's legalize pot!
"
"catholicism offers the hope
of eternal salvation?and, nope,
you don't have to behave,
'cause confession will save
you the trouble (or so says the pope).
"
"catholicism: what can i say?
i was raised in the church and its way.
but i quit on the pope
and the priests; and i hope
(but don't pray) there's no devil to pay.
"
"my apparent irrational act
was examined (but after the fact)
by the local police.
it was not from caprice
that i goosed her and promptly got smacked.
"
"one's the knob at the end of a cannon.
one's a pepper so hot you'll be fannin'
your mouth if you eat it.
one's a threat if you meet it:
a viper that scares this montanan.
"
"a casern is the barracks in town
where the soldiers are garrisoned?down
in the hookers' domain.
since the good folks complain,
it has raised a concern for the crown.
"
"when a catalogue's dubbed raisonn?,
it's a frenchified way you can say
annotations exist,
in an index or list,
of the works that will be on display.
"
"neath the city the catacombs run,
bringing water and power?each one
helping people who live
up above. dare we give
to this network its place in the sun?
"
"calcination's the heating of crap
(inorganic, like metal that's scrap)
to a temp that's so high
worthless matter lets fly
or you atomize all of it?zap!
"
"as a yellow-brown poisonous salt,
is this cadmium sulfide at fault
for the retches and heaves
of that meanie, miss reeves,
who's the teacher i just served a malt?
"
"the artillery guns are arrayed
on the hill overlooking the glade.
when they blow, they'll bestow
on the foe down below
loads of woe?with a full cannonade.
"
"this camera's employed as a cop trick?
its sensors are catadioptric.
he'll watch from a hammock
with views panoramic
that show every robbing-the-shop trick.
"
"serve me beer, by whoever it's made?
bock or pilsner, whatever the grade.
i'm a fan of what's brewed;
i put lager in food.
here i'm stewed eating beef carbonnade!
"
"it grows in the poorest of soil,
supplying medicinal oil.
the cajeput tree
is essential to me
for those rubdowns i get after toil.
"
"in search of a happier life,
a carver selected a knife,
cut a tenderloin roast,
poured the wine, made a toast,
then proceeded to slice up his wife.
"
"our angina's becoming an onus,
a burden affecting the tonus
our heart muscles show.
if you happen to know
of a cardiotonic, please phone us.
"
"the moisture continues to seep
through our shoes on the links as we creep
past the puddles today.
golf's not easy to play
when the casual water's this deep.
"
"being question-and-answer encased,
catechistic instruction's a waste.
when a quizzical mind
disagrees, he will find
it's his sorry behind that gets laced.
"
"in bronchoscopies, docs slip a tube
through the nose (with some lidocaine lube)
down the trachea, right
through the bronchus to light
up the lung of a long-smoking boob.
"
"the canonical hours are time
for devotions, like lauds and like prime.
after terce and then sext,
none and vespers come next.
last, for compline the chapel bells chime.
"
"the mineral calcite is found
in calcareous stretches of ground.
when you're out for a walk,
look for limestone or chalk.
be a calcium carbonate hound!
"
"i was hoping to dazzle a chick,
and my pal said to lay it on thick.
""get her sapphires,"" he said.
(i heard samphires instead.)
well, those carrots did not do the trick.
"
"our daughters behave and excel,
while our sons often put us through hell.
we don't coddle the males,
but just paddle their tails,
since a caudal shellacking works well.
"
"the actors who want to play kings;
the horseshoes on stallions in rings;
aspersions and doubt;
and a lure for a trout:
all examples of castable things.
"
"here are notes from my quarterback class
about throwing a catchable pass:
keep the wideout in sight,
make a spiral that's tight,
and prepare to get knocked on your ass.
"
"i've a check and a photo id;
still the grocery clerk asks to see
some additional proof
to confirm it's no spoof.
what a cashable check this will be!
"
"the cattails are marsh-dwelling reeds
(called the bulrush in places like leeds).
look near ditches and dikes
for their furry brown spikes
standing tall among sedges and weeds.
"
"a yawn's my conditioned response
to another's aggression and taunts.
my casualness serves
to disguise frazzled nerves.
i'm a master of feigned nonchalance.
"
"the tux that you bought me's unwearable;
its fabric is chintzy and tearable.
it soon will be torn
and unfit to be worn,
so it cannot be borne. it's unbearable.
"
"there's a red badge of courage that's won
in a battle where blood rivers run
from the soldiers who fell.
all this carnage is hell,
wrought by men with the sword and the gun.
"
"the flesh of slain animals spills
from the abattoirs onto the grills
of the humans who eat,
for their pleasure, the meat
from the carnage of billions of kills.
"
"a cave dweller's living next door
in my skyscraper's 43rd floor.
since he doesn't come out
very often, i doubt
that he's noticed it's summer no more.
"
"on a cableway, gondolas run
up a mountain where skiers have fun.
at the top is a wheel
that performs like a reel,
while the cable (it's steel) weighs a ton.
"
"there are taxis lined up front to back
at the cabstand, the place for a hack.
on the street, try to grab
or to flag down a cab,
and your chances are slim?if you're black.
"
"see the cabdrivers, cabmen, and hacks
who are trolling the city in packs!
they're all there when you don't
need a taxi, but won't
be in times that you do, so relax.
"
"a candler holds eggs to the light
to examine their contents by sight.
and those blood clots he sees?
well, his eggs could be these:
over easy?red, yellow, and white.
"
"at the auction i'm watching the clock;
seems that bid of a thou is a lock.
that's my loo, and it's plush;
when it's sold, i'll be flush
with success?yes, my head's on the block.
"
"the compounds that burn and destroy
living tissue do more than annoy.
they are caustics that eat
away flesh when they meet.
losing weight like this brings little joy.
"
"be attentive and keep on your guard
in this game, which for newbies is hard.
now the numbers they call
give you five that are all
on the row down the left of your card!
"
"my tabby was fussy when young,
so you're shocked her new tastes are far-flung.
she's been eating your lox;
now she's scarfing your ox.
""what's the matter?the cat got your tongue?""
"
"he was nibbling on nocuous nuns,
turned to patties in hamburger buns,
when this suddenly spry,
anthropophagous guy
got a case of the cannibal runs.
"
"a moonshiner lives on the cheap,
passing time in carousal and sleep.
then one day, on a bat,
he falls right in the vat.
and that's that, since still waters run deep.
"
"many noblemen down through the years
have owned yachts and had sailing careers,
so a baron or duke
in the harbor's no fluke.
the marina's the realm of the peers.
"
"as a caver, i'm now at a loss
to be facing a grizzly who's boss.
since there's only one way
to get past him, i'd say
he's a bear that i'll just have to cross.
"
"in my card-playing days as a girl,
back in brooklyn with effie and shirl,
when we couldn't agree
what the rules were to be,
we resolved it according to hoyle.
"
"presbyterian stiffs mustn't stay!
anabaptists? hey, cart 'em away!
these are lutheran plots,
so we're calling the shots.
we have grave reservations. (let's pray.)
"
"every evening my ungulate sam'll
act up. he's a mischievous mammal.
so i stable him down
by the far side of town.
yes, i'm walking a mile for a camel.
"
"what the fun-loving baptist decrees is,
when serving us crackers, ""it pleases
our savior, j.c.,
to see cheddar and brie:
what a friend we all have here in cheeses!""
"
"the carrack was broad in the beam,
a ship that could sail like a dream
in the vast ocean deep;
but it just couldn't keep
enough draft in a shallow or stream.
"
"a catechist opens a mission,
but generates fear and suspicion.
his lessons on christ,
which might once have sufficed,
are rebuffed by islamic tradition.
"
"the instruction they call catechistic
has little to do with the mystic
awareness of god.
it's akin to the rod
and coercively ritualistic.
"
"catechismal instruction's by rote.
the robotic responses, i'd note,
have been purposely styled
to brainwash the child
and sever the freethinker's throat.
"
"i've heard that the caucasoid's white,
having features and skin that are light.
and i'm told that a caucus
of skinheads is raucous,
asserting their power and might.
"
"european, north african, asian
(southwest): all are places caucasian.
that the white race arose
in the caucasus shows
how a caucasoid's not australasian.
"
"these short-barreled guns, carronades,
were of help during freebooter raids:
sink a ship on the spot
with a blast of large shot
and avoid doing battle with blades.
"
"it's carefulness, mindfulness, heed,
and discretion this gambler will need
to exhibit to get
himself clear of his debt,
but, alas, he's bedeviled by greed.
"
"cardiopathy's playing a part
in his troubles, and so is a tart.
his cholesterol's high;
now this hooker says bye,
and he loves her. it's breaking his heart.
"
"the word we are studying, thus,
is camion, meaning ""motortruck; bus.""
derivation: fran?ais.
and so this is the way
we pronounce it: kam-yohn. now discuss.
"
"a cardiographic device
that's attached to my wife may suffice
to determine if she
has a heartbeat cuz, gee,
in our bed she's been colder than ice.
"
"a cardiological study
performed on my ashen-faced buddy
discovered his heart
was in need of a start,
which explained why his skin wasn't ruddy.
"
"these indian folks who reside
in the lesser antilles are tied
through their name to a region
where islands are legion:
the caribans range far and wide.
"
"it's attached to the house, on the side,
just a roof and two poles?where my pride,
a toyota corolla
(no piece of crapola),
is making my carport seem wide.
"
"carrageenan's the colloid i'm pickin'
and plannin' to use when i thicken
the vegetable soups
for the scouts in the troops
who don't care for my southern fried chicken.
"
"my patella was grinding on gristle.
the pain was like pricks from a thistle
i couldn't escape,
till a cartilage scrape
left my kneecap as clean as a whistle.
"
"an ammonium compound that bustles
is carnitine, present in muscles.
its job is to toss
fatty acids across
mitochondrial membranes. it hustles!
"
"the catarrhine primate can't swing
from his tail?it's unable to cling.
he has teeth, thirty-two,
and a nose like a few
humans do (but without any ring).
"
"the bedroom and dining-room sets
feature linen and fine serviettes.
at the furniture store,
there are case goods and more:
the d?cor is as good as it gets.
"
"making notes on the steers in the mob
is an overworked cowherd named bob.
he's been at it since dawn
and now stifles a yawn.
cattle logging's a tedious job.
"
"in their crackers, refineries take
hydrocarbons as input and break
(catalytically treat)
them, through pressure and heat,
into gas?oh, the money they make!
"
"the cassini division's a space
between rings around saturn?a place
that appears from the earth
to be dark and not worth
sending probes or constructing a base.
"
"in cataphoresis, a force
keeps some particles moving on course
through a fluid or gel.
(to electro-impel
ain't the way to be spurring a horse.)
"
"before me i see what i've heard
is an adjective some think absurd:
cataphoric refers
to a term that occurs
in advance of its referent word.
"
"cathodic protection's the key
to preventing corrosion you see
on the metallized lines
in electrode designs.
it may make a few maintenance-free.
"
"there's a sail on a boom and a mast
at the bow of the ship we just passed.
it's a cat rig?a name
that appears kinda lame,
given cats don't find sailing a blast.
"
"carbon black is a substance in smoke
that is spewing from stacks burning coke.
it will settle as soot
on the ground or your foot
and, inhaled, incapacitate folk.
"
"castoreum's something that comes
from the glands of a beaver, whose bum's
perineum's abloom:
it's a source of perfume!
(um, i'd rather smell roses and mums.)
"
"we were casting around for a seat,
but the theater was packed, so we beat
a retreat to the lobby,
got downcast and sobby,
then cast around there for a sweet.
"
"a phenol extracted from mints
makes this carvacrol's chemical rinse,
good for killing the scores
of bacterial spores
left behind in our germ-laden prints.
"
"the cancerian crab is a sign
of the zodiac, not a malign
infestation of lice,
a crustacean on ice,
or a grouch who was born just to whine.
"
"there are compounds of carbon we find
that work well when we polish and grind
even iron and steel.
boron carbide's appeal
is a hardness that's one of a kind.
"
"for a compound of carbon, we take
in the element boron to make
a material which
is so hard it's a bitch
to incise, to compress, or to break.
"
"to some, the word canker means ""rust,""
and to others, it's ""dog rose""; but just
for the record, to more
it means ""ulcer"" or ""sore""
(and to most, it elicits disgust).
"
"this alcohol's flammable, light,
also toxic and volatile?quite
insalubrious traits.
but since carbinol rates
as a solvent, that makes it all right.
"
"don carlos: infante, pretender?
a spaniard who, forced to surrender
in carlist wars, fled
to la france, where he led
an existence removed from all splendor.
"
"two noddies are billing and cooing,
caressively courting and wooing.
how stirring and touching
when shore birds are clutching!
(it's terns of endearment i'm viewing.)
"
"a cardiopulmonary case
brings in docs from all over the place.
when the patient stops breathing,
the tempers are seething,
and everyone's blue in the face.
"
"a caricatural display
makes its subject grotesque and outr?.
but for one it's forbidden?
this prophet stays hidden.
just drawing him causes dismay.
"
"cardiography helps to detect
if that pain in your chest (you suspect
is angina) just may
be dyspepsia?say,
a calzone-and-pizza effect.
"
"this glass has two layers or more
that are cased (meaning fused at the core).
inner layers show through,
so a color or hue
helps embellish a window or door.
"
"thermonuclear action's begun
in the furnace we know as the sun.
four h atoms combine
and make helium?shine
on with energy! that's how it's done.
"
"a catamount eyeing the minks
on a fur farm intrepidly slinks,
as it follows the scents,
to a high-voltage fence.
have you ever had barbecued lynx?
"
"there once was a golfer named paddy
who bought his assistant (a laddie)
a motorized cart
that was state-of-the-art:
for his caddy, the caddy of caddies.
"
"neuroleptics are used when a life
suffers dire psychological strife.
for these powerful tranqs,
many schizos give thanks,
since delusions no longer are rife.
"
"it's bering time, five in the morn,
so in nome the cock crows in the corn;
while in greenwich it's four,
and the chicks i adore
start their baring time?nothing is worn.
"
"i'm a caregiving grandpa?a guy
changing diapers and clothes, on the fly,
of alenka, who's two
(peek-a-booing on cue)
and the apple-of-you-know-who's eye.
"
"of folks under arms or civilian
in spain, there are 39 million.
few catalans feel
that they're part of castile,
although spaniard's found under castilian.
"
"when you call on a colleen, it goes
without saying you'll take her a rose.
if the leaves that are cauline
should tickle her jawline,
she's taking a sniff with her nose.
"
"carcinomatous tumors consign
those who get them to end-of-the-line
introspection and doubt.
some become more devout;
others open a bottle of wine.
"
"since god is all-knowing, he can
see beforehand what destiny man
in the end must fulfill,
so i had no free will
when i slept with your sister joanne.
"
"the mate at the helm of a scow
cuts a dugong in two with its prow.
when the captain yells ""stop!""
and starts blowing his top,
says the mate, ""don't be halving a cow!""
"
"when his cardiac failure began,
docs concocted a radical plan.
what they take from an ermine
will serve to determine
the fate of a stoat-hearted man.
"
"it's bionics that breeders were keen
to employ on the husbandry scene.
when a zebu was bred
to an aurochs, it led
to the very first zerochs machine.
"
"a caprice is a product of whimsy,
whose rational basis is flimsy?
like writing a verse
on the jabberwock's curse
using brillig, galumphing, and mimsy.
"
"at the cabinet meeting today,
let's make fun of dick cheney. what say
we start gasping for air
and then slump in the chair
when he opens his yapper, okay?
"
"it's the third cup of coffee i'm on
and my bladder is killin' me, con.
tell that knucklehead annan
he oughta be plannin'
that next time we meet in the john.
"
"a brazenfaced clinton denies
ever fooling around, then replies,
to a question on sex,
that in certain respects
""it depends on what 'is' is."" (he lies.)
"
"since her ovaries haven't a dreg,
for an embryo implant she'll beg.
but it's way out of hand
when one costs twenty grand.
that's an arm and a leg for an egg!
"
"when your osteal problems are numerous,
but none is malignantly tumorous,
the docs like to rib ya
with jokes on the tibia.
(bone mots, i suppose, can be humerus.)
"
"the cattle tick serves as the nexus
'tween cows and a fever in texas.
this ixodid's bite
gives a rancher a fright.
if his herd dies, they'll repo his lexus.
"
"the pedants disdain and decry
one expression on which i rely.
let grammarians balk
at the way that i talk!
they're all ninnies (between you and i).
"
"i've been mad at my mom from age three;
i have problems with anger, you see,
and i'm angrier still
that i'm out of her will.
what the hell, i'm a son-of-a-b!
"
"said the voice from immanuel's oracle,
""my command is indeed categorical:
it's imperative, son,
that your duty be done.""
this i kant view as merely rhetorical.
"
"i'm your typical dirty old man,
into browsing those sites from japan.
but my wife checked the cache
and discovered the stash.
i was nailed: it was catch-as-cache-can.
"
"no matter what sneakers i'd choose,
aching feet had me singing the blues.
then i found me a brand
that are comfy and grand.
they're avias?agreeable shoes.
"
"there are things that are easily trashed
and some others more properly stashed.
while the first may be reckoned
as worthless, the second
has value and therefore gets cached.
"
"it's a film for the comedy fan,
and it won't be a flash in the pan.
all the edits are done,
so it's ready to run?
in the lingo, the flick's in the can.
"
"cappuccino's a drink moving up
in cachet, when we lunch and we sup.
frothed hot milk in espresso
takes time and, i guess, so
much skill that it's five bucks a cup.
"
"catecholamines benefit chaps
whom, ill-fatedly, parkinson's zaps.
levodopa can ease
such a chronic disease,
helping impulses cross the synapse.
"
"we partake of an oxygen feast,
and then carbon dioxide's released.
it's what animals do,
so i'm starting to view
co2 as a mark of the beast.
"
"those reactions that chemists designed,
in which carbonyl compounds combined
(and co had a role),
help accomplish my goal:
getting carbonylation defined.
"
"there's the cannonry up on the hill;
it's a battery shooting to kill,
while the soldiers below
are the cannery row.
(they're the barrel of fish, if you will.)
"
"to gomorrah an actress will slouch
(so the hollywood gossipers vouch),
when her driving ambition
accepts an audition
where casting occurs on a couch.
"
"one yenta who thrives on attention
has chutzpah, but hews to convention.
she kvells at the klatsch, cuz
she loves trading tchotchkes?
and tidbits on machers and menschen.
"
"all the crawdads were caudad-positioned
(their tails almost touching)?auditioned
for grilling that night
to our dining delight.
every crayfish was proudly commissioned.
"
"made of protein, a virus's shell,
called a capsid, has things it does well:
it protects what's inside,
finds a target to ride,
then attaches and opens the cell.
"
"a carpel's a part of a pistil.
a carpal? that bone in your wrist'll
help steer when you drive
in the carpool with five
of your buddies each morning to bristol.
"
"a canton ceramicist's flair
has created this porcelain ware.
an enamel-baked sheen
coats a blue-and-white scene
of the famous tiananmen square.
"
"a cajoler's a coaxer and flatterer?
a blandisher, wheedler, and chatterer.
he persuades the na?ve
with ""you gotta believe!""
what a sweet-talking mind-over-matterer!
"
"the barker disarmed and beguiled
the gulls when he beckoned and smiled.
""take a spin on the wheel!""
was the start of his spiel
and the carnival's call of the wiled.
"
"catalysis means a reaction
'tween people (or more than one faction)
that's caused by another?
in our case, your mother,
that meddlesome, manic distraction.
"
"inspiration's a thing that evokes
and can catalyze changes in folks.
i've had eggs when i sup
always sunny-side up,
but today i'll try breaking the yolks!
"
"an a share's a unit of stock
in a company wanting to block
the possessor from voting
on changes promoting
a way it can get out of hock.
"
"the insurer prudential's my carrier,
providing my loved ones a barrier
to losses and debt,
so i hope when they get
down to paying, the rock's not a tarrier.
"
"he captiously noted my flaws,
finding fault with the hair on my paws.
when he called me a wussy,
i fought like a pussy?
and ripped him to shreds with my claws.
"
"the lush with the calender grinned
when the papers his rollers had thinned
blew away in the breeze.
he was more than at ease,
being fully three sheets to the wind.
"
"caliche's a gravel or rock
bearing nitrate?a salt kept in stock
by the gunpowder makers,
the farmers with acres
of crop-growing land, and my doc.
"
"many woodworking skills are displayed
in construction?a valuable trade.
but your carpentry skills
may do more than pay bills
if they rise to the artisan's grade.
"
"co2 is a dangerous gas
in our atmosphere?something we pass
when we burp, so i'm thinking
i oughta stop drinking
my beer by the thirty-ounce glass.
"
"to win captainship's every girl's dream.
here's the head of the cheerleading team,
who holds pom-poms up high
while she calculates pi.
she's a mathlete?a bright academe.
"
"the catastrophists looked at the earth
through the genesis tale of its birth.
fossils stuck in the mud
were explained by the flood.
of such thinkers today, there's a dearth.
"
"carboxy- [a radical, free]
methylcellulose, wort of the flea,
and cascara sagrada
are helpful to prod a
slow bowel to move its debris.
"
"cnn's larry king is the host
of a nightly tv show that most
of america's seen.
there's a call-in routine
keeping phoners in touch and engrossed.
"
"being cardiogenic, the pain
that you're feeling comes not from a sprain,
but instead from your heart.
no surprise when you start
shooting heroin, speed, and cocaine.
"
"those catechism classes i had
at st. michael's each sunday were bad.
the nuns appeared cool
when i challenged a rule,
but then smacked me for making them mad.
"
"as the jungle olympics begin,
there's a cat not expecting chagrin
'cause she's never been beat.
but the winner will cheat
and, unfairly, this cheetah won't win.
"
"what with cougars and bears all around,
many meat-eating mammals abound
in the mountains out west.
these carnivora test
the intruder by standing their ground.
"
"steve cauthen, the jockey, was flip
and as quick with his crop as a quip.
""though in judgment i'm green,
just a salad-dazed teen,
at my craft i'm a 'miracle whip.'""
"
"in paris the tarts hit the bricks
from noon until just about six.
afternoon, they would say,
is midi through apr?s,
and the time for p?tisserie tricks.
"
"elipandus, a bishop, was one
who once stunned with a theory he spun.
his adoptionist view
held that jesus, a jew,
was adopted by god as a son.
"
"leaping out of the water, a whale
is exposed?from its nose to its tail.
this event is called breaching
(or broaching), while beaching
bespeaks suicidal travail.
"
"if our ship broaches to, it would veer
and lie broadside to waves, and i fear
it could capsize and sink,
plunging me in the drink?
so i'm broaching the subject right here.
"
"if big ben were atomic, we'd see
how one isotope's changes could be
very helpful in timing
the ringing and chiming:
meet caesium 133.
"
"the sports who go canyoning deem
it extreme?both a rush and a scream:
find a whitewater run
and jump in?oh, what fun
as you float on your back down the stream!
"
"it's the minimum number of tons
they can ship at a freight rate that runs
somewhat more than the charge
if they send 'em by barge.
so let's order a carload of guns.
"
"a buy-in of chips is the start
of your poker career?and a part
of las vegas's charm,
till it's cost you an arm
and a leg and it's broken your heart.
"
"a caudex, as botanists learn,
is the stem of a palm or a fern,
or the tangled wood base
of a plant i embrace?
the perennial, oft to return.
"
"catasta's the name of the block
on which blacks were arrayed to their shock
and then peddled to whites.
they were stripped of their rights?
humans treated like staples or stock.
"
"a catasta's a stage or a bed
used for torture, eliciting dread
from its victims back when
early christians thought men
of no faith would be better off dead.
"
"i'm unable to stop it, so i
cannot help but continue to lie.
pathologically driven
to fib, it's a given
that anything true i'll deny.
"
"mom's explained what i may and i mayn't,
so my life will be one of restraint.
and as soon as i die,
i'll be canonized. why?
mom'd faint if i cain't be a saint.
"
"the freemartin out on the flat
and the heifer or bossy who blat;
the dogie for sale,
and the young of the whale:
all are calflike?it's simple as that.
"
"cries the carnival caterer, barney,
a huckster with bluster and blarney:
""come, ladies and gents,
it's just twenty-five cents!
step right up for my chili con carny!""
"
"alley oop's a neanderthal hunter?
the stereotypical grunter.
does the caveman remain
in the genes and the brain
of the modern-day, manly affronter?
"
"though the alley and lane look the same
as in tenpins, here's candlepins' fame:
since the ball's very small,
and the pins thin and tall,
no one's bowling a 300-game.
"
"a tourist who dines in osaka
on sushi from fish called medaka
may skip to the loo
without further ado
for a sudden and furious caca.
"
"carolean refers to the rule
of two charleses of england. one fool
was a tyrant, which led
to his losing his head,
while the other thought catholics were cool.
"
"the calamus grows in the fen,
and its oil is extracted by men
for medicinal use
that can lead to abuse
with a slip of the pharmacist's pen.
"
"the taptowtskis are saddled with debt,
and the deputy sheriff's a threat.
he's a catchpole?one sent
with a clear-cut intent:
to arrest them and see that they sweat.
"
"when the medical arts were aborning,
aesculapius gave us a warning.
this demigod (greek)
was the first doc to speak:
""take this bolus and call in the morning.""
"
"just a hammock, a basket, and bark
by a tree-stump in jellystone park
are the residue left,
and poor boo boo's bereft.
(yogi bear fell asleep in the dark.)
"
"from a lender i borrowed a grand
in a loan i must pay on demand.
if it's called, i'll be hauled
into court and forestalled
from repainting my hamburger stand.
"
"alvin ailey's a theater of dance
where the african rhythms entrance.
there's exquisite control
shown by body and soul
in each movement, expression, and stance.
"
"californios settled a land
to the north that was luscious and grand.
their allegiance to spain
and to god helps explain
why francisco and bruno are san'd.
"
"as a job-changing, husbandless mother,
i've moved from one stage to another.
i'm carrying over
(not rolling in clover),
supporting an indolent brother.
"
"when you set aside goods to be sold
in the summer, you place them on hold.
you are choosing to carry
them over (or tarry
since winter is brutally cold).
"
"when a bookkeeper transfers a sum
in a client's account to become
one that's later in time,
he's committing no crime.
he has carried it over. (ho-hum.)
"
"my carrier's cellular one,
and my phone-signal woes have begun.
the bars that i see
have been fading?from three
down to two, then to one, and now none!
"
"it's the cantus, the principal voice
of this glorious hymn?and the choice
the composer has made
to be heard when it's played.
let us listen, be moved, and rejoice.
"
"this soulful and husky-voiced winner
had only begun eating dinner.
on top of the world,
karen carpenter twirled
till she hurled herself off, getting thinner.
"
"there's a cupboard or console or case
filling every conceivable space.
all his cabinetwork
is beginning to irk,
so it's time that we buy a new place.
"
"it's a case or a cupboard with doors,
a collection of stamps or of spores.
it's a room holding art,
or advisors so smart
they've agreed to our president's wars.
"
"the camber's the curve of a wing;
this convexity's needed to wring
from the airflow some lift,
for, without it, that swift
unavoidable drop's gonna sting.
"
"he's the latin american kind
of political boss not inclined
to think well of the weak
who are trying to speak
their own mind. (thus cacique's been defined.)
"
"i depend on the float for my dough,
as from pay check to pay check i go.
though i'm making big bucks,
my liquidity sucks,
since my cash seems to ebb more than flow.
"
"my daughter got married today,
and i'm stunned by the money i'll pay.
so i'm downing a drink
at this cash bar?you think
i'm so dumb i'd give liquor away?
"
"my mother's a cook who will graciously
lay out the food i voraciously
gobble until
my intestines will fill
in a way that is known as ""capaciously.""
"
"a canner's a woman or man
who can seal or make airtight a can,
give a slip that is pink
to a worker, or sink
a three-pointer to shut up a fan.
"
"hypochlorite's the kind of an ester
that calcium likes to sequester,
combining to be
disinfectant that we
put in pools so bacilli don't fester.
"
"catachthonic: way under the ground.
catachthonian: rock-bottom-bound.
these unusual words
aren't the rarest of birds,
just a couple of oddballs i found.
"
"at our picnic, a brie fly impressed
as a devilish cheese-eating pest.
but his presence was chiefly
ad interim, briefly
alighting, then squashed on request.
"
"a calque's a derivative phrase
that comes into a language, but stays
through translation?unlike
many loanwords that strike
les fran?ais as a sign of malaise.
"
"a package, a parcel, a lot;
a sizable sum in the pot;
a cluster of nerves;
a collection that serves
as a bundle of meanings, eh wot?
"
"at our candidate carter's request,
we put two kinds of booze to the test,
pitting grapes against hops.
as for which one is tops,
georgia's jimmy asks, ""wine not the best?""
"
"carbocyclic refers to a ring
that's organic, where carbon's the thing
it's comprised of, to wit:
there are atoms that sit
in a loop or a circle and cling.
"
"when your team keeps on losing the puck,
you call time in the game, but you're stuck.
is this breather a way
to regroup?or dismay
at the fact that your players all suck?
"
"keratoses that cover my face
are actinic in nature?a case
of exposure to sun
and a lifetime of ""fun""
that i wish i'd not sought to embrace.
"
"it's the point where the number of bonds
being offered for sale corresponds
to the number of bids.
that's absorption there, kids
(not the kind when i'm thinking of blondes).
"
"the captains of industry stand
as the beacons of strength in this land,
in which business success
is a form of noblesse
that is born of supply and demand.
"
"bioethical questions arise
when advances in science surprise.
now that doctors can clone
both a sheep and a roan,
let's go slow. (that's a word to the wise.)
"
"bioregional limits are set
by topography?mountains beget
biological creatures
with boreal features,
like hair on the yaks of tibet.
"
"a bricole is a shot with the cue ball
that targets, for instance, the two-ball,
but first hits the eight,
then a cushion?a great
trick in pool, quite an out-the-wazoo ball.
"
"aeromedical problems include
the disorders of health and of mood
that arise when you're flying.
the worst are those trying
encounters with godawful food.
"
"a thing that's designed to be used
with a second keeps people amused.
when my software gets old,
i buy add-ins?behold!
i'm enthused where before i just snoozed.
"
"a vertebra high on the spine;
a plant stem or offshoot; a line
of rotation, direction,
symmetric reflection:
(it's axis i chose to define.)
"
"the banana's a tropical fruit
with a soft, pulpy flesh we salute.
its elongated shape,
its allure to the ape,
and its yellowness bring it repute.
"
"an aigulet strengthens the tip
of a shoelace. this plasticky strip
can get crushed with each stride
if your sneakers aren't tied,
which today makes a teenager hip.
"
"this schnook's a destroyer of books,
unconcerned by the horrified looks.
he's a biblioclast,
leaving folks so aghast
that they're stashing their novels in nooks.
"
"at the bid price, a broker is willing
to buy a security, filling
a need for those selling
their stock and now smelling
a generous profit: a killing.
"
"since it's poisonous, flammable stuff,
i'd say carbon disulfide is tough.
it's a solvent for rubber
and a pesky-fly clubber.
these uses are more than enough.
"
"it's a case that envelops a spore.
it's a time-delay pill in my drawer.
it's a membrane or sac
like the cyst on my back.
every one is a capsule. there's more.
"
"in the famed photosynthesis dance,
there's a chain of reactions in plants,
in which sugar is made
(of a six-carbon grade),
letting carbon dioxide advance.
"
"here's a colorless, odorless gas
that at nighttime will silently pass
from the stove to each room,
sending folks to their doom.
this is carbon monoxide, alas!
"
"a calyptra, or membranous hood,
can be found on the moss in the wood.
it sits over the case
of a spore in a place
you can see?if your eyesight is good.
"
"calypsonian singers abound
in west indian towns, where the sound
of caribbean beats
in the markets and streets
makes your heart and the bongos redound.
"
"in calvinism, god reigns supreme,
and depravity (man's) is extreme.
it's predestined that hell
is where sinners will dwell.
this religion ain't peaches and cream!
"
"consider the mint called the thyme,
which will thrive in a soil rich in lime.
this calcicolous plant
may be hardy, but can't
always ride out an acid-laced rime.
"
"the lesions i have are calcific;
the tissue has died?it's horrific!
the calcium salt
that abounds is at fault,
and i'm praying for something salvific.
"
"both limestone and chalk are calcitic,
not something you'd use for a critic
whose acid-laced tone
tends to cut to the bone.
he's acerbic. this verse? analytic.
"
"there's a geezer who's making a call
for his birthday, his hundredth, this fall.
would a lady perchance
care to come to his dance
and enjoy a centennial ball?
"
"every spoonful of barley's a chiller;
each bowlful of bran is a thriller.
we're spinning a story,
both corny and gory,
of muesli, the cereal killer.
"
"though caecum in latin means ""blind,""
it's an open-end pouch, you will find.
this intestinal section
provides a connection
without which we'd be in a bind.
"
"something breathed will be voicelessly uttered;
it's whispered, not murmured or muttered.
by conversing this way,
there's less chance what you say
will be awkwardly spluttered or sputtered.
"
"in canc?n you're exposed to a con
getting telephone service turned on.
there's a call-waiting scheme
that is truly extreme:
takes a year to get cellular juan.
"
"a sentence begins on a track,
but suddenly changes its tack.
so let's put a sleuth on
this anacoluthon
and?whoa, get a load of that rack!
"
"""all slips in the box!"" graves intoned.
""far out!"" tessie cried. (others groaned.)
""though i moved to this town
when i heard folks get down,
never dreamed they'd cast lots to get stoned!""
"
"the mace that we buy is devised
as a stream, not a mist, i'm apprised.
manufacturers claim
such a spray is the aim.
it won't work if it's aerosolized.
"
"calamander's a hazel-brown wood
that our makers of furniture could
use more often in chairs,
but that's only if there's
some more folks for whom black stripes are good.
"
"arizona, the battleship, rests
in pearl harbor, at peace, and attests
to the terrible cost
of a thousand men lost
with no medals to pin on their chests.
"
"analytic surmisers are those
who are skillful at thinking (not schmoes).
i'm beginning to see
that you're angry at me:
it's as plain as the mace on my nose.
"
"analytic expressions of truth
are self-evident?who needs a sleuth?
it's hard to dismiss
an assertion like this:
""an eleven-year-old is a youth.""
"
"analytic reflection implies
someone cutting a thing down to size.
one considers the parts
of a whole, then one starts
understanding its wherefores and whys.
"
"the cajeput tree is a myrtle?
australian, invasive, and fertile.
transplanted, it stands
on floridian lands,
where it's shading the gator and turtle.
"
"he was first in the derby?so fast!
in the preakness he'd not be surpassed;
but he broke from the gate,
snapped a leg, and 'twas fate
that this race became barbaro's last.
"
"also known by the name akhenaton,
amenhotep has not been forgotten.
from gods he chose one;
venerated the sun;
was succeeded by king tutankhaten.
"
"when you're set in your viewpoints, there's naught
you believe that you need to be taught.
you're inflexible, small?
an example to all
of the calcification of thought.
"
"i'm attempting, by busting a gut,
to escape and get out of my rut.
that's my goal and it's near?
like the bard tells us, ""here
is my journey's end, here is my butt.""
"
"the camp fire girls was a group
(like the girl scouts)?a wonderful troop
letting misses be strong,
but then boys came along.
now they're laughing at jokes about poop.
"
"in soccer, a crown on the pitch
lets the water run off in a ditch.
when the camber's too much,
every dribble or touch
of the ball is a son-of-a-bitch.
"
"he's a critic who simply astounds,
with objections on trivial grounds.
his captiousness shows
when he carps at my nose,
which is bulbous and red, like a clown's.
"
"he's the carefullest worker i know,
wants to stop when the others say go.
every risk is avoided;
each caution's exploited.
there's only one speed, and that's slow.
"
"the cardinal flower is red.
it's a showy-lipped plant that has spread
from miami to maine.
its familiar terrain
is a swamp, not your gardening bed.
"
"it begins with a wart turning red.
then a biopsy generates dread.
a malignance is here;
the prognosis is clear.
when metastasis ends, i am dead.
"
"the carangid's a spiny-finned fish
from a family so big he might wish
to avoid the reunion,
preferring communion
with me in a tasty knish.
"
"the jacks and jurels swimming free
with the pompanos make up but three
of the family we know
as carangids, but, yo!
there are scads of these fish in the sea.
"
"in dressage, it would seem to behoove
the equestrian pro to improve.
half a turn to the right
or the left in a tight
little spin is a caracole move.
"
"let's praise the carbonium ion!
it proudly makes carbon rely on
its positive charge.
no, it's not very large,
but its mettle is worth being high on!
"
"carbonic anhydrase occurs
in our lungs?its catalysis spurs
the release from the blood
of that co2 crud.
keep on breathing now, ladies and sirs.
"
"carbohydrase: an enzyme that acts
to metabolize pasta and snacks
that we eat as we please
in our carb-loading sprees
from those regular fast-food attacks.
"
"a paternity test should affirm
he's the guy who provided the sperm.
he's the birth father, which
could be making him rich
since the queen brought the baby to term.
"
"a bottomless chair has no seat,
making sitting in one a complete
and embarrassing fix
if your derri?re sticks
and you cannot get back on your feet.
"
"when a grandbaby's needing a scrub (a
complete washing off in the tub), a
best bet if he's jewish
is someone not shrewish,
but grandma: his lovable bubba.
"
"both calci- and calc- at the start
of a word mean that calcium's part
of what's being discussed,
so that element must
be involved (say the chemically smart).
"
"in a war, the belligerent fights.
if he's captured, this soldier has rights:
the geneva convention
controls his detention.
no wonder guantanamo bites!
"
"capitular: of or relating
to chapters of churches, like stating,
""capitular heads,
with their middle-age spreads,
are the clergy who need some deflating.""
"
"my bardolatrous worship seems odd,
since i once gave jehovah the nod,
but each well-crafted line
that he penned is divine,
so it's clear to me shakespeare is god.
"
"for scots in a highland or moor,
a carl is a churl or a boor.
he might pilfer your haggis
or put in your bag his
glengarry, bespattered with spoor.
"
"when math's analytic, i'm choosing
just algebra's methods, not using
the calculus 'cause
its mysterious laws
about functions are wholly confusing.
"
"analytic assistance, i think,
is essential to keep in the pink
(psychologically speaking),
so daily i'm seeking
an hour of help from my shrink.
"
"in blackpool and liverpool, waste
is collected in reservoirs placed
underground, so the sewage
in cesspools is brewage
that tosspots once tippled in haste.
"
"much roman and greek verse is found
to have incomplete feet, so it's bound
to confuse, since a break
that's caesural will shake
up the flow of the poetry's sound.
"
"in the mountains of france, we again
take a break from the hiking, and then,
in our quiet chalet,
i get snifters and say,
""let me pour you some cognac?c?vennes.""
"
"comprehensive employment and training:
that's what ceta trainees are obtaining.
the program's no perk?
just a chance to get work,
and few low-income folks are complaining.
"
"just below the equator i row,
where the stars turn the heavens aglow.
south of aries and pisces
at night on the high seas
is cetus's whale of a show.
"
"yugoslavia's cetinje sits
near the sea; it's a city whose glitz
is a thing of the past
(many kingdoms don't last).
montenegrins now think it's the pits.
"
"the presidio ceuta's a port
in morocco, a garrisoned fort
under spanish control.
for the europe-bound soul,
it's a stop, not the final resort.
"
"parked the mustang, then ambled not far
with a jacklight to fish for some gar.
we were sitting there, bored,
when the ford up and roared.
seems that someone was jacking our car!
"
"is the firm in the red or the black?
there's a chief (cfo) keeping track.
if this officer naps
and financial collapse
is the upshot, he'll slip out the back.
"
"i'm hiring a few cfps
to advise me on reits.
with a certified planner,
you live in a manor,
financially set and at ease.
"
"""your cervix is somewhat inflamed,""
her unflappable doctor exclaimed.
""cervicitis, you know,
is quite common, and so
there's no need to feel low or ashamed.""
"
"mont cervin's what a french-speaking miss
calls this peak near zermatt. to her swiss-
german beau, it's a chance
for a bit of romance:
""that's my matterhorn; blow it a kiss!""
"
"where the uterus ends, it constricts
at the cervix, which opens in chicks
during birth, so it's true:
there's a womb with a view,
and the baby is getting its kicks.
"
"assam is an indian state
with political troubles of late.
if it's hindi you speak,
you're entitled to freak:
assamese want to give you the gate.
"
"the name for the back of the neck
is the cervix (or nape); and a peck
on that area's sure
to excite your amour,
so i'll give it a try?what the heck!
"
"this southern bohemian town
has a name that has brought it renown.
i'm speaking of budweis,
the source of my good vice:
those six-packs of brewskis i down.
"
"some people are seeking solutions
to killing in state institutions?
getting death rows to stop,
take a break, close up shop:
a cessation of all executions.
"
"the refreshingly cool summer breeze
from the indian ocean will please.
ceylonese on the strand
like to stroll hand in hand
by the water, at peace and at ease.
"
"a cetologist's study entails
the inspection of bodies of whales.
if some cachalots die
and we want to know why,
it's his knowledge that often avails.
"
"they're ubiquitous holes that we fill
with our garbage, dejecta, and swill.
we're creating these cesspits
without any respites.
our sewage is making us ill.
"
"this cyanamide compound kills weeds,
so it helps before planting your seeds.
it has calcium, too,
but it just wouldn't do
for addressing your nutritive needs.
"
"it's cal who's supplied me with hash
and a pipe?for a pittance in cash.
but he's out of his gourd
and can barely afford
his own blast, so i'll throw calabash.
"
"a cashier's check is drawn by a bank
on its funds, and i'd just like to thank
that outstanding young teller
(a wonderful feller)
for leaving the ""pay-to"" part blank.
"
"it's building a fire under folks
that successfully spurs and provokes
them to vigorous action.
let's wake up this faction?
our hotfoots ain't meant to be jokes!
"
"a pitcher may challenge and psych
an opponent with pitches he'd like?
throwing heat down the pipe
to a slugger, the type
who will swing and not take a called strike.
"
"try the fluffy soft plumes of a teal
for relieving the pain that you feel.
your calcaneal bone
has been bruised, so you're prone,
without down, to be down at the heel.
"
"there's necrosis on both of my knees
from this flesh-eating, vicious disease.
caseation's begun,
and the tissue on one
looks a little like limburger cheese.
"
"the petite calamondin's a tree
and a fruit that's as tart as can be.
it's a bit like a lime
and an orange, so i'm
gonna try it today in my tea.
"
"the carotids are arteries found
on the sides of the neck, and they pound
when you go in the gym
for a strenuous swim
(though the blood flow will stop if you've drowned).
"
"a case knife is one that is made
to be placed in a sheath?with a blade
that is fixed. or it could
be a kitchen knife?good
for the carving of beef carbonnade.
"
"the questions i'll answer are three:
do i want a new job as ae?
can they publish my name?
am i headed for fame?
i accept. i assent. i agree.
"
"it's a formal observance or rite
that's prescribed by convention. it might
be a christening, wedding,
or public beheading?
all three can give people delight.
"
"this cactus, the cereus, can't
be considered a serious plant
since it blooms in the night
under sirius light
that is sorrily, starrily scant.
"
"the element cerium's found,
like its lanthanide pals, in the ground.
it's a metal that's rare
in the earth (here and there),
but can also be said to abound.
"
"in the florida keys near the shore
swim these bluish-green fish by the score.
they're ceros, with fins
like their mackerel kin's,
and a favorite of anglers galore.
"
"a peruvian city sits high
in the andean mountains, where i
join a climbing team bent
on ascent. our intent?
giving cerro de pasco a try!
"
"eating onions and garlic, he flirts,
but his date moves away and reverts
to a curious pose
where she covers her nose
as she slips him a package of certs.
"
"i've finally figured it out,
and i'm positive?free of all doubt.
it's a certainty that
in old age i'll be fat,
so i'm ordering stout with the trout.
"
"certifiable facts can be checked
and confirmed to be true and correct.
for example, i'm sure
that my daughter is pure.
though she's thirty, she's not even necked.
"
"when a mark is of certification,
it signifies strict conformation
to standards or rules.
don't be suffering fools
without papers or documentation.
"
"intellectual subjects are these:
modern art, metaphysics, chinese.
my cerebral pursuits
show my lower-class roots:
velvet elvises, bowling, and sleaze.
"
"when philosophy undergrads cram
for the final cartesian exam,
all the thought they're devoting
can lead to misquoting:
""i cerebrate, therefore i am.""
"
"his cerebrovascular system
has vessels. he's sure to enlist 'em
while wracking his brain
to the point where the strain
on his arteries threatens to twist 'em.
"
"my mummy consulted a seer
and was told she'll be dead in a year.
now she ceres herself tightly
in linen fortnightly,
gets plastered, and cries in her bier.
"
"the catholics in turin are proud
of the cerements used in the shroud
of their savior, j.c.
but that image, to me,
looks like any old face in the crowd.
"
"as a vegan, gus grissom should know
that these stalks keep his calories low,
but his garden's one veggie
makes relatives edgy.
it ain't nasa celery, so?
"
"ceremonialism, to some,
means a soldier, a fife, and a drum
in a formal affair
with a ritual flair;
but to me, all that pomp is just dumb.
"
"ceremonially facing the board,
he saluted each man in accord
with the rules of the code,
had his sentence bestowed,
and respectfully fell on his sword.
"
"cesena's a commune you'll see
near emilia-romagna's forli.
to the north is bologna,
a place where they'll phone ya
and show ya the city for free.
"
"at a session of congress, discretion
will often succeed where aggression
and clamorous rants
undercut any chance
someone buckles and grants you a cession.
"
"there are racemose globular heads
(or capitula) seen in the beds
of chrysanthemums?flowers
bedecking my bowers
in purples, magentas, and reds.
"
"you're arguing, getting quite hot,
'cause i'm sniffling and sneezing a lot.
it's a minor catarrhal
condition?don't quarrel.
it sounds pretty bad, but it's snot.
"
"campanulate: ""shaped like a bell""
(be it pepper or flower or shell).
at a camp i attended,
each afternoon ended
with dinner bell rings and a yell.
"
"an abdominal reflex occurs
when your tummy is touched and it spurs
a contraction of muscles.
this happens in tussles
with gators, masseuses, and burrs.
"
"using cardioversion, the doc
gives my heart an electrical shock.
when my rhythm's restored,
there's a double reward:
he gets paid; i'm alive (but in hock).
"
"at a car lot, i eye a sedan
when a farmer walks up?with a tan,
baggie jeans, and straw hat.
he's a carlot, all that.
should i buy a used car from this man?
"
"a series of payments to come
has been capitalized by my chum?
an accountant who knows
how the formula goes
for computing a capital sum.
"
"a necrosis can caseate fast,
giving tissue a camembert cast.
i've a flesh-eating bug
from a scrape on the rug,
and it's cheesing me off?i'm aghast!
"
"it's a burning and harrowing pain,
so intense i can't help but complain.
""that's causalgic distress,
but we've had some success,""
says my doc, ""by removing the brain.""
"
"as all five of my carpoolers know,
when i drive through a tunnel, i slow.
now the symptoms are worse,
and i'm using reverse!
carpool tunnel's a syndrome of woe.
"
"global warming may lower the boom,
leaving humans enshrouded in gloom.
will our hubris and sin
send the earth in a spin?
cataclysmically plunging toward doom?
"
"cetology deals with cetaceans
(their habitats, lives, and migrations):
the porpoise, the whale,
the dolphins that hail
from the seas?they're our mammal relations.
"
"it's a count of our folks and their land
undertaken each decade and planned
by the bureau of census.
the next one commences
in two-thousand-ten?close at hand.
"
"since i'm rarely aware how intense is
the counting until it commences,
i take a day off
and my co-workers scoff
at the fool taking leave of his census.
"
"hey, you don't understand what is meant, rick?
i'm focusing here on a zen trick.
my mantra is more
than just close to the core
of my being?it's totally centric!
"
"a political centrist is quite
unaligned with the left or the right.
he's a moderate who
finds the red and the blue
so extreme he prefers to be . . . white?
"
"the centroid's the center of mass,
like the spot in a lad or a lass
where, on average, their weight
tends to focus?a trait
of the balance point (rarely the ass).
"
"a centrum's a center, that's all,
like the point at the core of a ball,
or a focus or hub,
or my neighborhood pub
(where i'm right in the midst of this brawl).
"
"she's centrosymmetrically curved
in her buttocks and breasts, i've observed.
there are centers about
which her flesh evens out
in proportion (oh, man, i'm unnerved!).
"
"the centurion's fingers were combin'
their way through her hair?just an omen
of what was to pass
for this palatine lass
when the officer's hands got to roman.
"
"a caricature or lampoon
makes the target appear the buffoon?
like a president shown
with a nose that has grown
to such length it can reach to the moon.
"
"one who pilots a ship or a plane;
one who orders lieutenants to train;
one in charge at hotels
of those hops with the bells;
one who leads in a field or domain.
"
"my son is a chemist of sorts,
but whenever he can, he plays sports.
before soccer, i bark,
""what's acetamide, marc?""
""it's a solvent, dad?where are my shorts?""
"
"one successor muhammad might own
is the caliph, who's principally known
(like the shiite imam)
for advancing islam
from algiers to assam to afyon.
"
"my chiropteran pet turned thirteen,
and the party i threw her was seen
by my buddy, who's jewish,
as sort of a newish
bat mitzvah. (you know what i mean?)
"
"capacitation's occurred, so my sperm
are preparing to wriggle and squirm,
then to enter her egg
and, as such, get a leg
up on making the kid we'll name herm.
"
"the arsis, in metrical feet,
is a long or a short kind of beat.
it goes either way.
rather risky, i'd say.
and its plural is quite indiscreet.
"
"erwin schr?dinger places a cat
in a box just to settle a spat
about quantum mechanics:
do feline organics
lose 4.5 lives? figure that!
"
"the capital goods we amass
to produce other goods are a class
of possessions, like tools
and machines making stools,
or refineries processing gas.
"
"a carnival geek in our town
made the principled peta folk frown?
biting heads off of geese!
when this brought the police,
he got nabbed with his mouth in the down.
"
"it began as a number of troops,
then extended to series or groups.
now a century sings
of a hundred like things,
be they calendar segments or coupes.
"
"my case of the clap is so vexin'
i've not been allowed to have sex in
a year; and my doc,
near the end of his stock,
is prescribing the drug cephalexin.
"
"cephaloridine ain't a narcotic,
but a broad-spectrum antibiotic.
it works like a snap
for a case of the clap
and for maladies rare and exotic.
"
"how close is that pulsating star?
yes, a cepheid's light is bizarre.
luminosities vary
'tween fuzzy and glary.
the period tells us how far.
"
"king cepheus rules in the sky
over cygnus, below and nearby.
constellations like these
(named by ptolemy) please,
as they catch the astronomer's eye.
"
"with resin and suet he packs
all this medicine's crannies and cracks.
spermaceti is used
so the cerate stays fused.
he's preparing the whole ball of wax!
"
"on sunday i breakfast on rye.
on monday it's cornflakes i try.
on tuesday, it's wheat.
this succession is neat:
what a cereal eater am i!
"
"an arthropod's brain, in the rear,
senses food, then it gets into gear.
near this centipede's bum
is a kaiser roll crumb.
is it all bread and cercuses here?
"
"cerebro-: a prefix for ""brain.""
etymology: latin. in vain,
i've been wracking my mind
in the hope i could find
something further this verse could contain.
"
"hypothalamus, ventricle, pons,
cerebellum, cerebrum: she cons
every part of the brain
'cause she's hoping to train
as a doc and quit cleaning the johns.
"
"beware of the cheat or the bilk
selling food from a cow (or its ilk)
that does not have a grade
from a board that's displayed
to affirm that it's certified milk.
"
"center field is a baseball position
where catching fly balls is the mission.
nope, it's not left or right.
and the guy there tonight?
he's a certified fielding magician!
"
"though the quarterback's making the call,
it's the center who hikes him the ball.
he's a lineman and scrapper.
on punts, he's the snapper.
he's right in the midst of it all.
"
"an argument centers around
whether ""center around"" is unsound.
it seems logically flawed,
but to use it, by gawd,
i am roundly determined and bound.
"
"a centerline runs down my fiddle
(as do ones on my boat and my griddle).
equidistant from sides,
it abstractly divides
into two what connects in the middle.
"
"the colorless cetane is found
in petroleum, deep in the ground.
from its rating one learns
how a diesel fuel burns
in compression and pistons rebound.
"
"this donut's a sugary sweet
with a hole in the middle i'd eat,
were it filled, but it's not.
since it's empty, i've got
something less?yes, a centerless treat.
"
"the centerpiece sits on the table.
a flowered arrangement, it's able
to garner attention
and positive mention?
till football begins on the cable.
"
"center stage, a theatrical phrase,
is employed in more general ways:
it's a prominent place
or position?the space
that commands our attention or praise.
"
"for the hundred-centesimo lira,
i once bought a glass of madeira,
but now it's maduros
i buy with my euros.
say ""ciao,"" my paisans, to that era.
"
"to certify means to attest
that a person appearing depressed
is officially mad,
so it wouldn't be bad
if he's shipped to the nuthouse to rest.
"
"our son, a chem e phd,
got his doctorate from berkeley, where he
engineered a first date
with his present-day mate.
there was chemistry 'tween them, you see.
"
"i've landed in greece's ionia
on the island they call cephalonia.
its spectacular caves
and its beaches draw raves.
if i climb up mount ainos, i'll phone ya.
"
"at a hundred degrees water turns,
but its steam can cause third-degree burns.
at zero it freezes,
but frostbite displeases.
these are centigrade-measured concerns.
"
"first you double the celsius degrees.
then you add 32, if you please.
the result is around
the right temperature found
on the fahrenheit scale?it's a breeze!
"
"ceviche's uncooked?it's a dish
made with onions and peppers and fish.
soaked in lime juice and oil,
it won't easily spoil.
you can season it, too, if you wish.
"
"we need to undo the centricity
of matters like race and ethnicity.
that focus means well,
but as best i can tell,
it has failed to engender felicity.
"
"take the maximum width, side to side,
of the head of a man, then divide
by its length front to back
for an index whose lack
of sound basis we rightly deride.
"
"meningitis that's cerebrospinal
has led to a sentence that's final.
an infection (bacterial)
suggests that funereal
arrangements may be matutinal.
"
"i'll describe a calcifugous plant:
it's a shrub or a flower that can't
meet its nourishment needs
stuck in lime, which then leads
to a chance of succeeding that's scant.
"
"would a ceder accede and agree
to an order, command, or decree
to succeed as a seeder
(not follow the leader)
and plant a new cedarwood tree?
"
"mont cenis is a tunnel and pass
through a principal mountainous mass
in the alps, where some french
and italians retrench
on the train cost by skipping first class.
"
"the century plant is demure,
taking multiple years to mature.
then it flowers and dies.
is it any surprise
this agave supplies such allure?
"
"puerto ricans who like to get high
climb a peak that extends to the sky.
then they paraglide round
many miles above ground,
as from cerro de punta they fly!
"
"on a cereal leaf sits a beetle
whose afternoon diet of wheat'll
be all that this brown
chrysomelid will down
before pumping out matter excretal.
"
"a cerastes, the venomous viper,
is moving in tune with a piper.
each is horned, so to speak,
though the piper's unique,
looking chic in a gandhian diaper.
"
"made of fabric like satin or felt,
a ceinture is a sash or a belt
that encircles the waist.
i had dozens replaced
as my paunch went from porky to svelte.
"
"for the celticist's knowledge of manx
(also cornish and welsh), he gives thanks
to the sagas and tales
of the bretons and gaels
who made war with the teutons and franks.
"
"it's a silica-plastic-and-zinc
composition that dentists must think
is an excellent fill
for the holes that they drill
in our teeth?this cement doesn't shrink!
"
"geological terms in which ?cene
is a suffix employ it to mean
that an epoch is late,
like a holocene date,
which by earth time is still plenty green.
"
"if you turn a financial mistake
into bucks, or a terrible break
into gains, be apprised
you'll have capitalized
on a loss?and a profit you'll make.
"
"actino- or actin-, they say,
are combining forms standing for ""ray.""
(there's actini-, as well.)
all these prefixes tell
us that beams are involved in some way.
"
"a missile is taking a ride,
with a beacon that serves as its guide.
hear a faraway humming?
a beam rider's coming?
you'd better get moving or hide!
"
"a blunderkin's someone inept,
like the lumbering doofus who stepped
on my foot on the bus
and, on hearing me cuss,
proved at punching extremely adept.
"
"calculational methods include
both the simple-to-do and the shrewd:
i use fingers and toes
to compute with; a rose
gets a cutie to pose in the nude.
"
"the bibliobibuli read
with such gusto, attention, and speed
that they're way out of touch
with the world?knowing much
about stuff that they don't really need.
"
"blackmore vale, in north dorset, has fame
as the setting for books (one whose name
has a lassie named tess
who was hardy); and yes,
caundle marsh brings it further acclaim.
"
"a bricole is a shot by a bloke
playing billiards?a roundabout poke
hitting ball-cushion-ball
for a carom; to all
who are new it's a masterful stroke.
"
"a babblative person will patter
and gibber and jabber and chatter
and gabble and prattle
and babble and tattle
and blather and rattle and natter.
"
"there's a sculptural form or motif
so obtrusive it's giving me grief.
i prefer watching tivo
to alto-relievo.
at least there's some comic relief.
"
"ceremonial functions are those
in which civil society shows
that it's paying attention
to form and convention.
(and me? i'm beginning to doze.)
"
"in the palace park, lions are lame,
and juan carlos is taking the blame.
abdication in spain
means the end of his reign,
which is called on account of the game.
"
"i'm censing the house with perfume,
burning joss sticks of myrrh in each room.
now my wife, an asthmatic,
is up in the attic.
i'm sensing she'll lower the boom.
"
"a blowhole's a seacoastal spout:
there are rocks from which water shoots out
in spectacular spumes,
takes a break, then resumes.
it's impressive?unless you're a trout.
"
"a soldier writes home in a letter
that's officially read by a vetter.
this censor deletes
any talk of defeats,
since the less about that, well, the better.
"
"a bulge on the bill of a bird.
a diviner who's good as his word.
a catch on a gun
or a burn mark (no fun).
dried out, or to wrap those interred.
"
"""if a sample increases in size,
then its mean becomes normal"" implies
statisticians (don't fear 'em)
are citing a theorem
on limits, not dealing in lies.
"
"near palermo, on sicily's coast,
is a picturesque town that can boast
a cathedral, a beach,
and some ruins?for each,
cefal? draws the visitor's toast.
"
"bce and ce both arose
from an era that's common to those
for whom years on the earth
date from jesus's birth,
as my christian-based calendar shows.
"
"a cessation in hunting the whale
is a noble idea, but would fail
to consider the rights
of the man who delights
in those bites of its blubbery tail.
"
"with her brief, economical mode
of speaking, one lecturer showed
that breviloquence works,
while the nattering jerks
made me feel like my head would explode!
"
"it's a bletcherous state of affairs
when a term like bogosity fares
very well among nerds?
those inventors of words
that seem bogus to pedants and squares.
"
"it's the point where you're breaking from stress,
as the weight of the world seems to press
on your shoulders, and therefore,
no answer or wherefore
you think of can clean up your mess.
"
"he's a salesman who goes door to door
with his case goods?so hard to ignore.
there are gizmos, devices,
and doodads at prices
he claims you won't find in a store.
"
"in the acids they call carboxylic:
acetic is one (not acrylic);
there's formic, from ants;
and benzoic from plants
like the cranberry bush?how idyllic!
"
"a cel is a celluloid sheet
that's transparent, with drawings of neat
cartoon characters seen
on a hollywood screen
with gargantuan noses and feet.
"
"it's sri lanka for now and here on
since the arabic serendib's gone
(greek taprobane, too).
now you've learned but a few
of the names for the isle of ceylon.
"
"the anacoluthon explains
how a sentence's syntax, like trains,
is derailed, in a shift
more abrupt than a drift.
it's a break in?well, just use your brains.
"
"this evil alliance began
with germany's aryan plan.
fascist italy joined
and ""the axis"" was coined.
added last? hirohito's japan.
"
"this is gonna seem shabby and shady,
but sadie, a libertine lady,
is walking the street
with a price you can't beat:
i just purchased a lay for a cedi!
"
"our lodge, which was founded on venery,
is holding another centenary.
this hundred-year fest
should leave hunters impressed:
for our cocks, there'll be chicks from the hennery.
"
"centenarians live to the age
of one hundred. this wonderful stage,
which in centuries past
was unheard of, at last
has become (what a blast!) all the rage.
"
"when i'm hosting our weekly affair,
it's a hub of activity there.
we've an evening of fun
at the center?the one
our community built on the square.
"
"i've been sailing my sunfish today,
and we're getting near shore, so belay!
lift the centerboard clear
or it's going, i fear,
to get scraped on the rocks of the bay.
"
"since the axes now both coincide,
then the lenses are centered, so i'd
better hurry and snap
a few pix of the chap
who is making my daughter his bride.
"
"i'll place my c?zanne on the wall,
in the middle, for people who call.
when they see it there centered,
they'll know that they've entered
a house with a painting by paul.
"
"it's the pivotal point in a sphere,
or the place 'tween a front and a rear.
it's the integral part.
it's the focus, the heart.
these are centers i'm speaking of here.
"
"yao ming is the man in the middle,
a basketball center your kid'll
be tickled to meet.
he's an athlete whose feet
ain't that fleet, but he's fit as a fiddle.
"
"our hockey team's now on a roll
since my wings have asserted control.
in the corners they muck
till one centers the puck
to the goal mouth. i shoot. it's a goal!
"
"wayne gretsky, who played for the kings,
was a center beloved by his wings.
now a humble (not cocky)
ex-all-star from hockey,
he's wearing four stanley cup rings.
"
"""this compound is ceric,"" i swore,
""since its cerium's valence is four.""
""if the valence is three,
then it's cerous,"" said he.
(we were chemists, just checking the score.)
"
"a ce studies stresses and loads
in our buildings and bridges and roads.
engineering designs
that are civil make lines
a lot shorter at public commodes.
"
"there's a garlicky, sesame dip
i enjoy on each levantine trip.
it's an olive oil goo
that has aubergine, too.
yes, that baba ganoush makes me flip!
"
"at the circus, i'll stick to my guns
and get shot from a cannon. my sons
are concerned 'cause their dad
is adult-diaper-clad,
with a case of the cannonball runs.
"
"from the room of my teenager comes
a continuous pounding on drums.
it's a steady redounding
and constant resounding?
thank god that its ceaselessness numbs!
"
"a ceasefire is what you declare
so the shooting will stop, but beware!
there are soldiers of war
out to settle a score,
so the guns may continue to flare.
"
"it goes on every night without cease?
constant honking, disturbing the peace.
we have fine-feathered friends,
but the noise never ends
from our neighbors?that gaggle of geese.
"
"if a firm has unfairly dismissed
all the union guys hand over fist,
then the labor board might
say the practice ain't right
with an order to cease and desist.
"
"sidney altman worked hard every sec
to decipher an rna speck
and its role in the cell.
then he won a nobel.
('twas a prize that included a cech.)
"
"my ileum's filling with treacle,
which fast is transforming to cecal
material, turning
to fluid, then churning . . .
the changes are fickle (and fecal).
"
"buying speed on the street is a blonde
who gets off on an agent named bond.
she's an addict, and heaven's
those 007s
that shake off her slough of despond.
"
"a card-playing cheater named steve
has been keeping an ace up his sleeve.
it's a hidden device
that, if found, may suffice
to ensure that his widow will grieve.
"
"it's a layer of stuff in the brain.
it's a sketch that's designed to explain.
it's a pressurized place
for explorers of space.
now for me, no more capsules remain.
"
"it's apartment, not flat, if you please,
and the toilet, not loo, where one pees.
let the english say zed;
i'm a yank, born and bred:
what i speak is americanese.
"
"my real-valued matrix is square.
its diagonal (main one) is where
all the elements lie
that aren't zero?and why
this canonical form is so spare.
"
"seeking hardness and strength in our tools,
we've been forging advancement like fools.
take these carbon steel shears:
they're so sharp, it appears
they're about to be banned in our schools.
"
"every highlander gardener in grampian
is fond of the flowering campion.
it's a lychnis that grows
and competes with the rose.
in the pink and in shows, it's a champion.
"
"cash discounts are something you get
in this climate of credit card debt.
if you're willing to pay
on the spot, then you may
spend a little bit less for that jet.
"
"it's government run by the rube,
and it plays like a show on the tube,
when just shoot me meets lost
and good judgment is tossed.
it's boobocracy. (bush is the boob.)
"
"acromegaly warped the physique
of a cyclops who married a greek.
he was freaky and horrid
(one eye in his forehead!),
but lived pretty large for a geek.
"
"the babesias are starting to stick
to my blood cells; they're making me sick.
sporozoans are streaming
inside me; they're teeming?
and all from the bite of a tick.
"
"the alepidote fishes lack scales,
so their skin's like a dolphin's or whale's.
or perhaps this is wack
and the things that they lack
are those dishes for weighing their tails.
"
"al arrived at the diner?a late
but elated gourmet. then al ate.
and a wing bone got stuck
in al's throat. just his luck
that the chickens were alate, all eight.
"
"an amelioratory approach
to your team is what's best for you, coach:
seek improvements with praise?
save your bullying ways
for the deans who might try to encroach.
"
"abortifacients induce the expulsion
of fetuses, causing revulsion
in folks who appear
to want us to adhere
to their faith and their god through compulsion.
"
"a lad in an arabic tale
finds a magical lamp and turns pale
when a rub of a smear
makes a genie appear
with three wishes that bring him travail.
"
"asks kenneth of joe (a nebraskan
whose cousin in nome's athapaskan),
""might a cutie ya know
give me booty?"" says joe,
""a lass, ken? i'll ask an alaskan.""
"
"there are models still puking away
in the johns off the catwalk today.
take a look: there's no doubting
these bone bags are flouting
the rules from the cfda.
"
"abakan's a siberian town
on a river that brings it renown.
ships are struggling today
on the grand yenisey,
as the ice floes are slowing them down.
"
"my buddy's an abcd.
he's american born, just like me.
but he's indian, too,
and this desi is blue
and confused about who he should be.
"
"when the ring in your bathtub has come
to be harder to clean and you're glum,
add a softener right
to the water each night.
they say calgon eliminates scum.
"
"an indian's groin takes a knock,
leaving ducts so engorged they're a shock.
his physician suspects
he has bullous effects.
""them's my seminole vesicles, doc!""
"
"i'm a cancer, which serves to connote
i'll be crabby with you if you gloat
after butting my head.
you're a capricorn, said
to enjoy getting everyone's goat.
"
"in blackjack, a card counter notes
every ace as it's played, and he totes
all the changes in odds.
he expects to win wads
from the house for the time he devotes.
"
"an axis of symmetry's straight.
it's a line to which figures relate
by defining two sections
with matching reflections.
the left has the right as its mate.
"
"on oahu, the northernmost coast
has a surf that the hotdoggers toast.
if you're riding the crest
of a wave, what's the best
of the pipelines? ""it's banzai!"" they boast.
"
"cauchy-schwarz inequality? norms,
inner products, euclidean forms,
vector spaces, and mods!
mathematical clods
like to study these things in their dorms.
"
"bryological studies may gloss
over music?i don't give a toss.
there's a group i'm extolling
for rocking and rolling:
the stones?they're not gathering moss.
"
"anthrophobic, i'm fearful of folks?
human animals (women and blokes).
people fill me with dread
'cause they mess with my head
and they make me the butt of their jokes.
"
"bovaristic, you live in complete
self-indulgence, awash in conceit,
building castles in air,
like that woman flaubert
introduced who was tr?s indiscreet.
"
"it's a letter that's signed for, the kind
known as  certified mail, thus defined:
if delivery fails,
no insurance avails
'cause indemnity isn't assigned.
"
"the buddhas of bamiyan stood
fifteen centuries?symbols of good.
then the taliban struck,
blew them up, ran amok,
but rebuilding will come, as it should.
"
"some assessments have stories to tell?
they're certificatory, as well.
a good housekeeping seal
gives both rank and appeal
to the products you're trying to sell.
"
"cpas take a public exam
in accounting. they study and cram
on financial affairs
to get certified?there's
some assurance their numbers aren't sham.
"
"having certitude means that i'm sure?
my conviction is strong and secure.
yes, without any doubt,
i'll be kicking you out
'cause you're rude and, like, so immature.
"
"my barber is also a seer,
doing readings of wax, so his dear
and ceruminous whims
oft accompany trims
of the hair growing out of my ear.
"
"when discussing its practical use,
we refer to white lead as ceruse.
that's a pigment in paint
we should use with restraint
if the color is puce or chartreuse.
"
"my ""ceteris paribus"" study
holds constant the things that can muddy
its findings (like age,
education, or wage)
for determining who'll be my buddy.
"
"yes, it's sausage i serve a lot here,
like my bratwurst and bangers with beer.
but i really get stoked
eating beef-and-pork smoked,
so my cervelat's specially dear.
"
"banaras, in uttar pradesh,
is where hindus like dipping their flesh
in the ganges?a river
so cold many shiver.
who cares if the water ain't fresh?
"
"having alcohol poisoning's bad.
it reflects how much liquor you've had.
you're so drunk you collapse?
unresponsive to slaps.
not the best of examples there, dad.
"
"i'm watching my yacht from this float
as it's drifting away, and i note:
it's not prudent to be
out alone in the sea
when you jump from an anchorless boat.
"
"it's a region of pleasure and quiet,
a pastoral setting. let's try it!
this arcadia's grand.
what a halcyon land!
there's a house on the market? let's buy it!
"
"there's no plucking of strings in this show!
every passage is played with the bow!
keep it arco right through!
pizzicato's taboo!
(you can put down that finger now, joe.)
"
"an acquisitor's one who's a getter.
for instance, i just got a letter.
an inquisitor, you
are the questioner who
thinks this letter makes me an abettor.
"
"n objects are ordered, and you
switch consecutive pairs two by two.
all reorders you get
will comprise a new set
called an alternating group when you're through.
"
"bought insurance, but just for my store?
not the depot and annex next door.
i had only enough
for the usual stuff:
accessorial coverage cost more.
"
"an atomy's tiny, a mite.
an iota that's quite out of sight.
it's a minuscule jot,
microcosmic. a dot.
a diminutive bit of all right.
"
"their popular ""dream on"" survives
in our hearts and our minds and our lives.
and i'm led to infer
just how brassy they were
from their name, since the aerose myth thrives.
"
"the illiterate person maintains
a fa?ade, taking very great pains
to ensure we don't know
he's not reading, and so
his analphabetism remains.
"
"the imperative mood's a command;
the indicative tells what's at hand.
but the mood i enjoy
is what here i'll employ?
the assumptive: yes, that would be planned.
"
"i'm engaged in a grand back-and-forth
with a friend over which way is north,
but we're losing our voices
discussing the choices.
my pal, who's a lisper, sounds hoarth.
"
"now that amateurism is dead,
it's professional athletes instead
who are winning the gold.
the olympics of old
have been sold for the corporate bread.
"
"he's accepting of opposite views
and can tolerate protests and boos.
so the liberal crowd
has a message that's loud?
""bring it on!"" are the words he might choose.
"
"amid rumors of sleeping her way
to the top, she's resigning today.
she's amidst and among
all the chicks getting stung
by the gossipy games people play.
"
"with alarums and excursions, we charge
from the wings on the heels of the sarge.
martial sounds fill the hall
as the warriors brawl.
(our production's called soldiers at large.)
"
"with his malamute blinded by snow,
an alaskan is struggling to row
through a river of ice,
when he hears this advice
from the dog, ""let's just go with the floe.""
"
"the apothecary down on the square
is the place to buy drugs for your care;
and the pharmacist's neat
'cause he likes to repeat
all the gossip on who, what, and where.
"
"being agammaglobulinemic,
my auto-immunity's hemic:
sure, my blood hasn't got
antibodies: so what?
i'm just glad i'm no longer bulimic!
"
"the acnidosporidia teem.
protozoans, these parasites seem
in existence without
any purpose?there's doubt
how they fit in biology's scheme.
"
"the tirolean town of bolzano
is just up the road from milano.
it's home to a mummy
on ice, in whose tummy
was meat, but no cheese (like romano).
"
"a modern monastic has sunk
into monkeyshines, mischief, and bunk.
he's a cenobite biting
the hand underwriting
his life?what a devilish monk!
"
"he's known as taxonomist bill,
and the cenospecies give him a thrill.
""biological groups
swapping genomes?"" he whoops,
""of this stuff i just can't get my fill!""
"
"cenozoic: its years total, oh,
maybe 65 million or so.
all the creatures and plants
now alive got their chance
to arise in this era and grow.
"
"a censurable act draws reproof;
what's been done is much more than a goof.
it's a major transgression
or big indiscretion
(like calling your pappy a poof).
"
"by the act of condemning a man
for improper behavior, we can
make him subject to censure.
(a serial frencher
of women might merit a ban.)
"
"when we census the country, we tote
all the people?both near and remote.
the statistics we're getting
are needed for setting
the congress the next time we vote.
"
"i have been in a state of euphoria,
all due to my landscaper gloria.
she planted an herb
now in bloom: a superb,
showy knapweed?the thistly centaurea.
"
"in the sky, it's half-man and half-horse?
several stars with a mythical source.
it's centaurus, a large
constellation who'll charge
at both hydra and lupus, of course.
"
"a golfer who's out on the course
finds an herb in the woods by the gorse.
it's the centaury?key
to his needing to pee,
so he's seeing a man 'bout a horse.
"
"there are auditory nerves in our ears
that connect with the brain, it appears.
neural impulses flow
through them both?this is so
we can hear and not fall on our rears.
"
"what's banally stated is trite,
while what's brainily freighted has bite.
and it's plainly my trait
to insanely create.
yes, i'm zanily fated to write.
"
"it's an areca nut, or the seed
of the betel palm?just what i need.
with the leaves of the pepper
and lime, it's a prepper
for bowels to move at full speed.
"
"the anti-darwinian crowd
in the pulpits refuse to be cowed.
""evolution,"" they scream,
""is the atheist's scheme
to deny we're divinely endowed.""
"
"al gore is a man, so we're told,
whose emotions are tightly controlled.
his demeanor's not warm,
which appears to conform
to this oddity: algor means ""cold.""
"
"a harpsichord maestro, shapiro,
plays handel at ten below zero.
though an arduous task,
he has pluck and won't ask
for relief. he's my cembalo hero!
"
"the building's new landlord had come,
and the tenants attorned him, but some
were attorneys with doubt
how it all would turn out:
could their high-rise turn into a slum?
"
"it is distance in time or in space,
or the absence from here or a place,
like awayness from me
sought by women who flee
after spraying my face with their mace.
"
"since the war was so admirably planned,
the attack was decisive and grand.
but the foes we subdued
prove resilient and shrewd.
it's the peace that we don't understand.
"
"an aristotelian man
wooed a gal from a stoical clan.
philosophically based,
their affair was a waste.
'twas platonic before it began.
"
"the world is awash in unlawfulness;
it's a horrible stick-in-your-crawfulness.
we're closing our drapes
to the killings and rapes.
is there any escape from this awfulness?
"
"i'm sitting on bus #2,
and the cutie beside me is you.
at each stop i contrive
to scootch over, till i've
got so close we're attingent. woo-hoo!
"
"if anthropogenesis can,
it will fill out the story of man.
getting details on how
we've evolved should allow
us to pinpoint when humans began.
"
"adulteration means something's debased,
like this food with its sickening taste.
some ingredient's gotten
inside, made it rotten.
i hope it's not cyanide-laced!
"
"let me rise to extol the babul!
this acacia's a tree used for fuel
and for fodder. its gum
and its tannins become
part of inks and adhesives in school.
"
"a sailor is hoping his boat,
now awash, will continue to float.
he's a bailer of water:
four bucketfuls oughta
ensure it won't sink in the moat.
"
"my amplificatory remarks
will expand on those made by the narcs:
keep your children at home;
don't allow them to roam.
there are drugs being dealt in our parks.
"
"troops employ this torpedo on land
when they detonate mines in the sand,
cut through barbwire, and charge
at their foes. is it large?
no, it's not, but the bangalore's grand.
"
"it's dismal and dark, and the smell
of the fumes from the sulfur repel.
acherontic, this river
is making me shiver.
what horrors await me in hell?
"
"with this bump on my nose, i'm dismayed
that i lack an abirritant aid.
it's been itching like hell,
and it's starting to swell.
should i pick it or hope it will fade?
"
"acromegaly's tough on your feet?
they're gigantic, no longer petite.
when you walk in a room
people stare and assume
(in miami) you play for the heat.
"
"i hustle each day like a fool
when i bundle the kids off to school.
i'm a bundle of nerves,
and my hurrying serves
to convince them that daddy's uncool.
"
"i've a case-hardened lock on my bike
for when thieves in the neighborhood strike.
with this coating, i'm feeling
it won't need concealing.
(it's this kind of steeling i like.)
"
"this canister's metal, with holes,
holding stuff that absorbs and controls
many toxins contained
in the weapons they've rained
on the troops playing gas-attack roles.
"
"it's the frankfurtfest, late afternoon,
and an oboist's calling the tune.
he's a cervelat ace,
and he's smokin' the place
on his rackett?a sausage bassoon.
"
"""despite feasting and gorging of late,
i have been,"" jeter says, ""underweight.""
if this shortstop is barfing
to counter his scarfing:
beware of the binge eater's fate!
"
"if a series expansion exists
for a function of reals, the gist's
that it gets to be called
analytic, and scrawled
by the geeks on their calculus lists.
"
"there are women who hope to impress
when they add this or that to their dress.
they're accessorized then,
even though they know men
like it more when they wear even less.
"
"photosynthesis happens in firs.
co2 is absorbed and bestirs
the dispersion of o,
which we breathe, as you know,
so the cycle of carbon occurs.
"
"the compound i'll soon be applying
is useful in tanning and dyeing.
it's a catechin?kin
to the flavones that win
(for the primrose) the pinkness i'm eyeing.
"
"antipyrine's a drug of the past
that was quickly (by aspirin) outclassed.
this headache reliever
and treatment for fever
was toxic and faded out fast.
"
"authentication expressly demands
confirmation?that's something that stands
as legitimate proof
we're not making a goof.
can you show us your deeds to these lands?
"
"your assertion's completely unfair?
a concoction as thin as the air.
so you say i'm perverse,
pertinacious, and worse?
my response is a terse ""au contraire!""
"
"you've been busting my balls every day,
but you're sick now and slipping away.
so to show you some class,
i'll be raising a glass
in your honor?? votre sant?!
"
"said a sorcerer, casting a spell,
""heal those membranes, malignant of cell!
may your tumours be fewer!
may they never mature!""
(but the acronine worked just as well.)
"
"our limburger stinks, and our brie's
pretty funky. can anyone, please,
tell me why the havarti
and cheddar smell farty?
or is somebody cutting the cheese?
"
"a carina's a shaped-like-a-keel
anatomical part, like a heel.
there's a definite ridge,
maybe curved like a bridge,
oft discerned by palpation or feel.
"
"the car coat went down to the knees
in the days when they drove model t's,
started motors with cranks,
for a buck filled their tanks,
and wore goggles for blocking the breeze.
"
"in the cartridge belt strapped round my waist
are: my winchester buckshot encased
in detachable clips,
a beretta, two grips,
the tequila, and goose-liver paste.
"
"the city attorneys had planned
to seize all my assets and land.
so i took them to court,
and it gave me support,
just abjudging my newspaper stand.
"
"the word acrocentric will kindle
the passion that started to dwindle
for the process mitosis,
its cousin meiosis,
and a foreshortened chromosome spindle.
"
"there's number, there's mass, and there's weight.
with atomic, these words all relate
to the nuclear heft
of an element left,
in a sense, on the physicist's plate.
"
"abc represents a chinese
who's american-born?ill at ease
between cultures that clash,
putting soy sauce on hash,
using chopsticks for picking up peas.
"
"think of dinosaurs dying en masse,
radar, leprosy, writing with class
by a doctor of fame.
yes, the alvarez name
was, in science, one few could surpass.
"
"made with orange rind, almond, and raisin,
this coffee cake's truly amazin'.
a baba who's sweet
is the source of my treat.
all her babkas are worthy of praisin'.
"
"this oil of the almond is bitter,
and a poison for human or critter,
but amarine still
is the name of a pill.
one would think they could find something fitter.
"
"katarina, you're comely and fair,
like the typical swedish au pair.
your attractiveness draws
much attention because
you're contented to walk around bare.
"
"for the french, it was love at first sight,
building nuclear plants left and right.
now atomically powered,
their nation is showered
with light to illumine the night.
"
"is my amyloidosis a sign
that i'm nearing the end of the line?
the deposits, they think,
have an alzheimer's link . . .
is my amyloidosis a sign . . .
"
"a man has a cat that he tramples.
a gal likes mascara she samples.
a bloke plants a pole
made of stone in a hole.
those are all assonantal examples.
"
"""that's the head of a man, but his bod
is a lion's?how awesome and odd!""
such fantastic descriptions
made many egyptians
consider the androsphinx god.
"
"when gems might be given, i'm buoyant.
i sparkle, like diamonds chatoyant.
i'm cheerful and gay?
a gift's coming my way.
am i dreaming or being clairvoyant?
"
"abominations abound on our planet:
i'm shocked that atrocities span it.
i fear for the fate
of a world filled with hate
and fanatics who feed it and fan it.
"
"on the car lot, the dealers are pros:
""so i see it's the red one you chose.""
the technique they've been taught?
presupposing you've bought?
is assumptive, a glib type of close.
"
"a poet by chance will present,
to the reader, the sense and intent
behind cetera desunt
by being complacent
and leaving the rest of . . .
"
"the cephalothorax, i've read,
is a scorpion's thorax and head.
those are two of the parts
of his body?he carts
in his abdomen what he's been fed.
"
"a cento's a work that combines,
in some fashion, a number of lines
other authors have penned.
it's an interesting blend
of the output of literate minds.
"
"there's a ceiling of stars in the sky.
it's a canopy pleasing the eye
on a clear summer night
when no clouds are in sight
and i lie in the grass getting high.
"
"the sea between ireland and wales
is the celtic (to even the gaels).
deep beneath it, they've found
oil and gas, which is bound
now to pump up petroleum sales.
"
"in a vibrating system, the spot
of the maximum amplitude's not
at a node, but instead
at an antinode?said
(by the nodes) to be swinging and hot!
"
"bombay is a place of extremes,
where the richest and poorest, it seems,
coexist without strife.
are their stations in life,
set at birth, what determine their dreams?
"
"using calcium chloride's a way
to treat dust on the highway today.
that's its hydrated state?
when anhydrous, it's great
for removing the moisture from clay.
"
"how amply we dine here tonight:
lots of food, lots of bulbs, lots of light!
with the amplidyne's setup,
we're finding we get up
more watts than we otherwise might.
"
"as a carmaker, henry was floored
when his handcrafted coupes were ignored.
mass-production was key
for the new model t.
'twas an auto that all could afford.
"
"a wendy's-based moocher named art
stashes fries that he's bummed in his cart.
to a life that is beggarly,
add cardiomegaly?
he's carting a biggie-sized heart.
"
"this banana republic is run
by a colonel, a man of the gun.
caudillismo's the rule,
and he suffers no fool.
he's the one who decides what gets done.
"
"when a mammal's cetaceous, it means
it's aquatic, like humpbacks, baleens,
or belugas?all whales.
horizontal, flat tails
are propelling these swimming machines.
"
"it was cadmus who founded the city
of thebes, so deserving of pity?
with stories of war,
death, confusion, and more.
its historical record's not pretty.
"
"i'm arranging my flowers in pots;
just the actinomorphic have spots.
these are flowers that you
can split nicely in two.
they're the ""halves"" of the halves and halve-nots.
"
"actomyosin, thanks and hooray!
you're that viscous contractile souffl?
of two proteins (complex)
that permit abs to flex:
i am sucking my gut in today.
"
"to bowdlerize, expurgate, screen,
to red-pencil, blue-pencil, clean,
to restrict and excise
all the good stuff implies
that a censor is there on the scene.
"
"we're ceiling the hull with a strip
of thin sealing wax, making our trip
hunting harp seals at sea
just as safe as can be.
we're those sealers who run a tight ship.
"
"chirac sought d?tente, and it showed
when he served, sur la tarte, rocky road.
he was making a push
to be friendly to bush:
""i adore apple pie ? la mode!""
"
"when an afterpiece follows the play,
i just laugh at companions and say,
""whenever i score,
the foreplay's before,
while the afterpiece follows the lay.""
"
"chromatography, using a gas,
will ensure macromolecules pass
through one column or more
with affinity for
all the ligands that later amass.
"
"demosthenes argued with ease
that aeschines sought to appease
and was willing to bring,
not the macedon king,
but himself and the greeks to their knees.
"
"the adulterine status you've carried
means your dad wasn't bad, only harried.
he and mom might have wed
before going to bed,
if he hadn't already been married.
"
"a clause in my mortgage will peg
the rate on my home in west egg
to the price of the dow.
it's adjustable now
and could cost me an arm and a leg.
"
"for a doctrine of action, my source
cites the word activism of course.
change the v to an n,
look it up and it's then
actinism, a radiant force.
"
"for a cellular protein to act,
make your deltoids or sphincter contract.
if you're squeezin' your pecs,
havin' quadriceps flex,
then it's actin that's actin', in fact.
"
"a canonical form can display,
in a simple and logical way,
polynomial functions,
thus easing compunctions
we feel when we see disarray.
"
"this is architectonically built,
being fashioned from marble and gilt.
its postmodern design
was conceived to enshrine
the idea that i'm rich?to the hilt.
"
"with a burqa, there's little that shows;
you're enrobed from your head to your toes.
muslim women in black
(or light blue) are, alack,
often stressed and oppressed by their clothes.
"
"to certificate someone implies
he's been tested and passed in the eyes
of a licensing board.
he can brag that he's scored
high enough?the credential's his prize.
"
"a neanderthal fashions a belt,
for his tools, from an animal's pelt.
he attaches the blade
and the cleaver he made.
in between is a chisel, his celt.
"
"for these buildings, the architects tend
to put columns at only each end.
amphiprostyle, they're made
with their pillars displayed
back and front. could it trigger a trend?
"
"the aquarist's the one who should know
how to care for a shad and its roe?
what to put in its tank
so the water's not rank
and this fish stays the star of the show.
"
"in india's goa, a beaut
of a beach is the famed calangute.
though the tourists are wearing
bikinis, uncaring,
few natives are following suit.
"
"in poetics, a line's incomplete
when a syllable's dropped?a conceit
that some view as eclectic.
i'm acatalectic
and keeping the toes on my feet!
"
"a mexican-smuggling coyote
gets gulped by a giant cenote?
a sinkhole so vast
that it swallows him fast.
when his body's recovered, it's bloaty.
"
"though this analphabetic can't read,
he can speak and, when asked, will concede,
""since one path to success
is denied me, i guess
i'll be joining the lotto stampede.""
"
"a jovial greeter has heartiness.
a streetwalking hooker has tartiness.
an aesthete will show?
with a classic corot
or a vintage van gogh?he has artiness.
"
"americana: there's baseball, new york,
country music and barbequed pork?
apple pie made by mom,
high school football, the prom,
elvis presley, mcdonald's, the spork.
"
"she's a looker?astoundingly pretty;
jaws drop when she walks in the city.
and whenever she talks,
she's the target of gawks,
'cause she's also incredibly witty!
"
"the adamical nature of man,
unregenerate, stems from the ban
god imposed in the garden
of eden?no pardon
for sin! (it's still hitting the fan.)
"
"this is asti spumante, a wine
that will sparkle whenever you dine.
it goes well with a treat,
a dessert, or a sweet:
an exuberant fruit of the vine!
"
"the drug acebutolol treats
hypertension, irregular beats
of the heart, and angina.
my north carolina
physician is touting its feats.
"
"an academician i know
studies crickets that chirp in the mow.
it's this acheta mission
(his driving ambition)
that's giving him get-up-and-go.
"
"affirmations are what we declare.
they're assertions of faith, which we swear
to be true, even though
some are things we can't know,
so they're made on a wing and a prayer.
"
"when a jungle is asphalt, it's home
not to lions and tigers who roam
through savannas and woods,
but to gangs in the 'hoods,
be it philly, chicago, or nome.
"
"quixotic adventures in spain
were miguel de cervantes' domain.
he wrote of a knight
who would tilt in a fight
at the windmills he'd sight in the rain.
"
"you can open a mine, seeking ore,
or decide to break into a store.
you can puncture a cask
or discuss a new task.
these are things you can broach. there are more.
"
"i'm catholically growing, i hope
(that does not mean obeying the pope).
i'm expanding my views?
and no longer refuse
when i'm told i should start using soap.
"
"catholicity (capital c)
means accepting each papal decree;
catholicity (small
c) means hearing this call:
toleration for all?let it be!
"
"the catholicos rules in the east;
he's a bishop who outranks a priest.
the armenian church
has supplied him a perch,
where he bird-dogs and battles the beast.
"
"the exhaustion can stump and intrigue
many docs since it's still in the league
of diseases whose cause is
unknown. giving pause is
the syndrome called chronic fatigue.
"
"from bangkok we opted to fly
on air india straight to mumbai.
on that sweltering flight,
we had nary a bite
'cause they served only curry and thai.
"
"it's the name of a functional group
that i'll dub here the ""carbonyl troop.""
that c [""double bond""] o
are the letters that go
in an aldehyde's alphabet soup.
"
"when we bow to convention, we show
our intention to go with the flow
of societal norms,
ceremonial forms,
and rigueur. please remove your chapeau.
"
"careerism sometimes entails
sucking up because honesty fails
to lead to advancement
(and paycheck enhancement).
but employment beats riding the rails!
"
"cfcs are pernicious?a class
of industrial compounds that pass
from the atmosphere's low zone
way up to where ozone
depletion's occurring en masse.
"
"the burqini's in fashion for chicks
who are muslim and quite in a fix
at the beach, where they'd sin
if they showed too much skin.
it's a swimsuit imams shouldn't nix.
"
"bihar is an indian state
near nepal that, it seems, doesn't rate.
if you're born a bihari,
you're labeled as sorry,
uncultured, and light in the pate.
"
"a monarch who's reigned pretty long
is king rama of thailand. a strong
ruling figure he's not,
but what  bhumibol's got
is a potful of baht?right or wrong.
"
"cablinasians are people betwixt
many races; no single one's fixed.
they have indian, asian,
a trace of caucasian,
and african ancestry mixed.
"
"assessable taxes are those
that they levy, exact, or impose
on your business, your house,
and the ring that your spouse
makes you wear?yes, you pay through the nose.
"
"when i speak in a voice that is booming,
i'm forward, intrusive, assuming,
defying convention,
in need of attention,
and totally lacking in grooming.
"
"to bad-talk a person implies
that he's someone you scorn or despise.
are the brickbats you hurl
'cause he's stolen the girl
you adore out from under your eyes?
"
"when combined with a noun, the word aided
denotes that a job's been upgraded
or bolstered?like, say,
how computers today
have all aspects of business pervaded.
"
"if you access a page on the net
and an ad fills your screen, then you get
what is known in the trade
as an ad view?one made
for a read (or a buy, better yet).
"
"his experimentation's controlled,
but alchemically clever and bold.
taking tungsten and lead,
he's been forging ahead
turning commonplace metals to gold.
"
"he's the scum and the rat in our gang?
just a bum with a gat that goes ""bang!""
keeping mum's where it's at,
but he's dumb?likes to chat.
time will come when, for that, he will hang.
"
"alimentally stuffed full of food,
i'm afraid, al, this may appear rude,
but my stomach objects
to your offer of sex.
al, i'm mentally not in the mood.
"
"for lovers, this river is sure
to possess an uncommon allure.
it's in asia and flows
to the east, where it goes
to a strait. and its name? the amur!
"
"country songs can be achingly sad,
like the heartbreaking tale of a lad
who gets thrown in the clink
after turning to drink
when his girl runs away with his dad.
"
"this audile sensation appears
to be worse since it now interferes
with my counting of sheep
as i'm trying to sleep.
there's a ringing that's deep in my ears.
"
"since the audile relies on the ear
to experience things, does he hear
and completely dispense
with an alternate sense
such as taste? would he do that with beer?
"
"self-government gives me the hots,
since the people are calling the shots.
this autonomist knows
that's how liberty grows,
even though there'll be haves and have-nots.
"
"i'm anthropophobic?it's much
of the reason i stay out of touch.
people give me the creeps,
which is fine cuz it keeps
me at home writing limericks and such.
"
"sean o'reilly is set to forsake
both his family and ireland?he'll take
the next ship to the states,
where a new life awaits.
so tonight's his american wake.
"
"with centrifugation i'm spun,
and extreme separation's begun.
first i lose all my clothes,
then my ears and my nose.
last my liquefied viscera run.
"
"one censorious pal's analytic?
his cavils are mean and acidic.
my other friends harp,
bust my chops or just carp.
as they say, every buddy's a critic.
"
"this sea bream's a wonderful dish,
but i'll take it away, as you wish.
after crabbing and harping,
you've moved up to carping.
who knew you're allergic to fish?
"
"i'm enjoying the censorship game,
dressing ribaldry up to seem tame,
using double entendres
to hornswoggle launderers
of prose, for whom sex equals shame.
"
"an executive works his account,
and the agency's revenues mount.
he's a rainmaking adman?
a genius, a madman.
of stunning ideas, he's a fount.
"
"chiropractic is bad for the back;
those adjustive maneuvers are wack.
intervertebral action
has put me in traction.
my spine's been aligned by a quack!
"
"avant-gardism's big in the arts.
it's a school of ideas that departs
from traditional norms
to establish new forms?
redefining what speaks to our hearts.
"
"cherimoyas and sweetsops were two
of the fruits that west indians grew.
annonaceous and sweet,
they were scrumptious to eat.
were they fed to columbus's crew?
"
"the production was lacking in zest;
with the acting, i wasn't impressed;
the music and lighting
were both unexciting.
""amateurishness"" sums it up best.
"
"there's a substance that battles away,
keeping dangerous microbes at bay
in my blood. the prognosis?
through antibiosis,
mefoxin will carry the day!
"
"actuarial science? oh, dear!
that's a subject (for me) very near,
though insurance mathematics
and death-stat fanatics
suggest a profession that's drear.
"
"carboniferous items include
fullerene, fatty acids in food,
diazonium, soot,
all the bones of your foot,
and tobacco, when smoked (also chewed).
"
"he's content, finding college a breeze,
as he zooms through his courses with ease.
academically speaking,
this student is peaking:
his grades are all gentleman's cs.
"
"a cataplasm brings you relief,
and it might even save you some grief.
you can buy one in stores
and apply it to sores.
here's a poultice i favor?chipped beef.
"
"in a port near marseilles, a coquette
playing tennis approaches the net:
""i do not know the score
since your point and, what's more,
what's this town called?"" ""it's game, match, and cette!""
"
"for my dentist, the moment of truth
was this damning report from my sleuth:
""re your molars: he's bent 'em
and stripped their cementum.
it's clear he can't handle the tooth!""
"
"there's a layer of clouds in the sky;
a ceilometer measures how high.
we want pilots to know
when the ceiling is low;
they'll need radar assistance to fly.
"
"this genus of evergreen trees,
afrocarpus, is certain to please
if it's timber you need.
they're a yellowwood breed,
good for flooring or frames for settees.
"
"a calcifuge planted in lime
will be in for a difficult time.
camellias toil
in an alkaline soil,
as they do in a blistering clime.
"
"""in the late carboniferous era,
a coal-burning, flying chimera
consumed all the fuel,
like that oil-grabbing fool
mister bush,"" so reports al-jazeera.
"
"my energy drops by a half,
so they order a cardiograph,
find the walls of my ticker
are thicker (i'm sicker),
then call in the surgical staff.
"
"this substance gets mixed in a vat
when they turn spermaceti to fat.
it's a crystalline goo
used in creams (and rouge, too).
cetyl alcohol. that's where it's at!
"
"made from carpels, the pistils beguile,
each with ovary, stigma, and style.
they're the innermost part
(anatomical heart)
of a flower?and worth our espial.
"
"there's an alkaloid, bitter in taste,
in my coffee that's keeping me braced.
with that stimulant action
(its major attraction),
caffeine helps me do things in haste.
"
"a mechanical linkage can jam
and disable a battering ram.
if the soldiers can't hear,
they might grease the wrong gear
when the squeakiest wheel is the cam.
"
"on a path getting swervish and curvish,
an oncoming whirligig dervish
keeps spinning and twirling
and soon could be hurling.
this calender's making me nervish.
"
"cement is alumina, lime,
iron oxide, and stuff that takes time
to prepare and get ground
into powder. it's found
in those shoes made by cobblers of crime.
"
"the assignment of land once my own
(near the burgeoning hospital zone)
to my creditors stank.
what's the deal with my bank?
all i did was default on the loan!
"
"we're cahooting and scheming to shoot
at a bird who's a little too cute,
giving tabby a fright
with his calls in the night.
he's an owl who's just not worth a hoot.
"
"a lightweight and short-barreled gun
was the carbine?a specialized one
for the cavalry men
riding horses back when
it was awkward to shoot on the run.
"
"an arm steak's a portion of meat.
it's a shoulder cut?something that's neat
for the lover of pork
(or of lamb). stick a fork
in the roast. is it done? hey, let's eat!
"
"when a series of weather-related
misfortunes left farmers deflated,
the romans said prayers
to a goddess of theirs,
so a bountiful harvest was fated.
"
"she centers her life on her son.
he's her focus, her favorite?the one
she attends to and favors.
i bet that this shaver's
a self-centered kid when she's done.
"
"cerise is a moderate red,
kin to cherry?no more will be said.
cyd charisse was a dancer
in films?a romancer
whose legs, guinness claims, knocked 'em dead.
"
"in the city, two schoolchildren march
through a passageway under an arch
in a park, playing hooky
while sharing a cookie
from archway, then shin up a larch.
"
"your emotions are stable and sure;
you're so centered i'm safe and secure.
but i'm wondering why
such a well-grounded guy
is with me. (i'm, like, sooo immature.)
"
"the bohemian dr. ko?eck?,
a tour guide and internet techie,
has garnered some fame
for his blog by this name:
""the praguenosis for travel in ?echy.""
"
"it's the wall overhead in a tomb,
or the height above earth of the gloom
from a cover of clouds,
or a limit on crowds,
like the number allowed in a room.
"
"hydrocarbons like camphene are used
in insecticides, sending enthused
fans of hiking and camping
out merrily tramping
through woods without getting abused.
"
"campylotropous seed plants are those
in which ovules are curved, like the rose-
colored purslane i found
when i googled around
for a way to bring this to a close.
"
"i live as a carmelite monk.
i've renounced all material junk.
my mendicant order
denounces the hoarder,
transgressor, cavorter, and punk.
"
"a hundred of these for a sol
is the centimo rate, but the toll
on this road in peru
seems misstated to you,
?y no sabes hablar espa?ol!
"
"appositional grammar implies
that two juxtaposed nouns can comprise
a syntactical brace
(each alone in that place
would suffice), like ""the painter van nuys.""
"
"certiorari: a type of a writ
a superior court will submit
to a body below
for the records to know
if a judgment was proper and fit.
"
"center fielders will often amaze,
making circus-like catches on plays.
willie mays snagged a ball
in the series that all
who were lucky to see it still praise.
"
"a cankerworm crawls up a tree
inch by inch to the leaves that will be
not just dinner today,
but provisions that may
help it live till a moth wriggles free.
"
"at our club, is there something that's deep,
pulling men from their homes to lose sleep?
no, it seems that the answer's
our bottomless dancers?
and beer, 'cause the heinies are cheap.
"
"abirritants soothe and relieve,
giving gratified folks a reprieve
from the torment of itching.
released from the twitching,
i'm off to perform and achieve.
"
"a toad in a cesspool has worms,
but he's finally coming to terms
with the cestodes that wiggle
and wriggle and squiggle
inside: on the outside he squirms.
"
"a cesarean birth's a b?te noire
for some women; it leads to a scar.
the bikini cut's in
since it lets them show skin
on a spin through the beachside bazaar.
"
"ace high is a hand that can win
when it's poker and no one who's in
has so much as a pair.
with a queen, do i dare
see his tenner and raise it a fin?
"
"with those cambial layers in plants
'tween the xylems and phloems, the chance
that new cells might arise
has increased, so my prize
boston fern gets a greater expanse.
"
"when this type of division is done,
a centesimal section is one
of a hundred like pieces.
my patience decreases
soon after the slicing's begun!
"
"what's centric demands our attention.
it's focal in every dimension?
the meat of the matter,
the gist of the chatter,
the topic that's now in ascension.
"
"your average in batting will tell
if you're hitting a baseball that well.
it measures your rate
of success at the plate:
three hundred or more, you excel.
"
"she's a she and, for me, that's sufficient?
no need to be cute or omniscient.
like a moth to a flame,
i'm attracted?no shame
seeing any old dame as allicient.
"
"the cg is a watchdog we laud
who investigates government fraud.
his mismanagement audits
draw taxpayers' plaudits.
his powers are properly broad.
"
"tricephalic chihuahuas would be
cerberean, with heads one, two, three.
greek mythology's sparking
this thought?am i barking
up more than a single wrong tree?
"
"a squirrel got fat in an oak,
nibbling nuts from the time he awoke.
he was acorned, so filled
that he sadly got killed:
he went out on a limb and it broke.
"
"to my wants and commands she accedes;
she's remorseful for all her misdeeds.
oh so eager to please,
she's become (despite fleas)
all the dog that a guy like me needs.
"
"with an approbatory expression,
you sanctioned my writing obsession.
now you think it's a curse
that i've settled on verse
as my 24/7 profession.
"
"a thoroughbred stallion named blue
finished last every race or withdrew.
his also-ran status
delivered him gratis
to elmer's, where blue became glue.
"
"at the annual scout jamboree,
a burlesque show brought laughter and glee.
in a nod to the crowd,
gay routines weren't allowed:
all was macho and campiness-free.
"
"things acetic include vinaigrette,
dijon mustard, and pickles?all get
their acidulous bite
from a substance just right
for the chips with your codfish croquette.
"
"i've been dating a gymnast who's french,
and we often make love on a bench.
with her flexible spine,
it's divine to incline
and align my adjustable wench.
"
"chhatrapati, in northern mumbai,
is an airport for tourists who fly
into india, finding
privation so grinding
that some become sightseeing-shy.
"
"adjustability lets you adapt
and avoid feeling frightened or trapped.
when the ski lift got stuck,
some were cursing their luck.
others panicked in terror. i napped.
"
"generation involving a seed
from a man is the way that we breed.
but some plants reproduce
by themselves?it's profuse
apomictic begetting, indeed.
"
"for amphibneusts, a swim in the sea
was a snap with their gills, while the key
to survival on land
was their lungs?oh, how grand
mythological creatures could be!
"
"the australopithecine's one
of the primates whose time is now done.
but he leaves me agape
since i tend to go ape,
man, for ape-men?those hominids stun!
"
"an athletic supporter is not
in the stands and applauding each shot
as the cheerleaders call
for protecting the ball.
it's a genital holder, that's what.
"
"here's a plug for the cervical cap,
which is snug when it's filling the gap.
it's a thimble-shaped, nice
contraceptive device
that's the ultimate sperm-blocking trap.
"
"a board measure's what should accord
you the volume of wood you have stored.
since its unit's the board foot,
its numbers record?foot
by foot and by inch?what's been floored.
"
"you big-note yourself, mate, and contend
you're a person we all should commend.
you've not noted the boos
for your bigheaded views.
when you're pigheaded, who's to befriend?
"
"this appanage made to the prince
is a grant by the queen, and it hints
(being less than full proof)
that she thinks he's a goof:
a supply of hard candies and mints.
"
"the cantabrian mountains in spain
are a towering wildlife domain.
the tallest, cerredo
(a drive from oviedo),
has breathtaking alpine terrain.
"
"i'm catholically clinging to hope
that we have an infallible pope.
using rhythm has led
to ten kids who have said
this implies that their father's a dope!
"
"my ninety-pound daughter likes splurging
and gorging on food. what's emerging
more clearly each day
is her wasting away
in a cycle of bingeing and purging.
"
"they're credits we call ceus,
which refer to the courses you choose
to advance and continue
your learning?wherein you
will get education (not snooze).
"
"this executive officer's chief.
at our firm he's the giver of grief.
he's the boss, runs the show?
on his door's ceo.
give his name when the customers beef.
"
"the eskimo, tlingit, aleut,
and inupiat tribes of repute
are alaskans?and, hey,
there's the haida, d?n?,
athabaskan, and yupik, to boot.
"
"the aft is the rear of this plane,
where two airline attendants remain
for the takeoff and landing?
and where i'll be standing
when sitting starts causing me pain.
"
"at a clinic in east marrakesh
lies a patient with calcified flesh.
liquefactive necrosis
has caused calcinosis.
(his wounds are no longer that fresh.)
"
"hydroxide of calcium's white
and a crystalline alkali, right?
it can soften the water
and help to make mortar.
hey, we oughta get plastered tonight!
"
"were a grayish-white crystalline mass
labeled ""calcium carbide"" to pass
under trickles of water,
the product it oughta
provide is acetylene gas.
"
"in each  centrosome found in our cells
are two  centrioles?small organelles
near the nuclei?regions
existing in legions
in humans and apes and gazelles.
"
"for this roman inspector of morals,
good conduct and actions drew laurels.
but woe to the junkies,
carousers, and flunkies.
the censor won all of his quarrels.
"
"astigmatisms render your vision
defective, inviting derision
from people you greet
as you walk down the street
on your way to a lamppost collision.
"
"aquacultural matters include
cultivation of shellfish as food,
raising salmon in ponds,
growing seaweed and fronds,
and ensuring marine life's renewed.
"
"though i wanted a cervine filet,
it was ""corvine"" i said. so this may
not be meat of a deer,
but a bird; and i fear
that it's crow i'll be eating today.
"
"some chemicals kill by the gram,
but they're rare, i declare, where i am.
acetaldehyde, though,
is a compound i know.
it's a liquor derivative?damn!
"
"the mosquitoes we know as aedes
alight on and bite on you sweeties.
they pass yellow fever
to you, the receiver,
but, notably, not diabetes.
"
"i have centai or litai to pay
for my vilnius caf? au lait.
but these coins won't endure:
lithuania's sure
to switch over to euros some day.
"
"master p, all the homies and cronies
think it's wack that you fox-trot with phonies.
but your dancin' is hot,
and it's takin' a lot
of that ballroom to hold your co . . . urage.
"
"roman lawyers of highest repute
having grappled in heated dispute,
caesar ruled on their case
as a way to save face:
""you're both ablative, i'm absolute.""
"
"archaeology students (sicilian)
unearthed a few fossils (reptilian).
an axe made of stone
from their dig in chalon
had two faces?which made it abbevillian.
"
"submission to rulers fanatical;
eschewing all concepts schismatical;
our asses in slings:
this is life under kings,
for whom things best remain autocratical.
"
"there's a term, cgs, which applies
to a system of units that flies
with a physicist nerd
who is spreading this word:
""you should try on my unit for size!""
"
"when a layer of molecules sits
on a surface it contacts or hits,
there's adhesion at play,
called adsorption, they say,
like the clearasil film on my zits.
"
"i can't hear very well when you speak:
auditorily sensing, i'm weak.
still i'm interested, hon,
in your words?every one.
so repeat them, but this time in greek.
"
"a moth of the casebearer ilk
(still a larva enshrouded in silk)
has emerged from a hole
in my cereal bowl,
so i'm spewing my muesli and milk.
"
"a carryback's used for a loss
that's sustained in a year, so my boss
says, ""deduct it from what
i earned last year; i've got
a few taxmen i'm hoping to cross.""
"
"i was hammered down under and hurled
in the toilet?then what in the world?
when i flushed it, i found
things the other way round:
anticlockwise the loo water swirled!
"
"alacrity: what does it mean?
speed and quickness are words that i've seen
to define it, and so
straightaway i'll now go
and employ it?to keep my nose clean.
"
"by attaching these bullas, i hope
that my edicts stop girls who elope
and get wed on a whim.
with that sentence, i limn
the affixment of seals by the pope.
"
"an away day's a meeting off site,
where the english might go overnight.
with the office behind,
you can focus your mind
on the problem at hand?get it right.
"
"anatomical parts that append,
or conjoin, or abut, or extend
to another exist.
they're adnexal?and dissed
if unable to hold up their end.
"
"for the astrobiologist, earth
is at best just a transient berth.
he'd prefer to be lurching
through space as he's searching
for life forms?so far there's a dearth.
"
"ayutthaya: city of thais
near to paris in wealth and in size.
'twas the capital jewel
of a kingdom so cool
foreign traders expressed their surprise.
"
"my wife rode the g-force machine
at cape kennedy?oh what a scene!
she was spun in a vat,
getting centrifuged flat,
and emerged from it planar and green.
"
"for you seniors beginning to gaze
at both geezers and crones at soir?es,
bicentennial ball
is the bash with it all:
centenarians swinging both ways.
"
"the national zoo had a pair
of adorable pandas with flair.
they were ling-ling and hsing-hsing,
the forebears of bling-bling,
their gold-sporting, hip-hopping heir.
"
"with his blunderbuss held to my head,
""you'll get wed,"" said her dad, to my dread.
who'd have thought that a kiss
could have brought me to this?
'twas a blunder?that buss?in her bed.
"
"a marvelous mammal's the beaver,
and, oh, what an overachiever!
this builder of dams
fills the river with jams,
and its name means . . . a hat or a cleaver.
"
"at a paris ramada one day,
i had urgent distress (shall we say),
so i skipped to the loo
and said how-do-you-do
to a new-fangled pot, the bidet.
"
"the bible belt: here is a phrase
that brings back my altar boy days,
when a wine-induced buzz
(sacramental it was)
from some belts led to bibulous praise.
"
"all romance my sweet william eschews
when he woos me with pizza and booze.
though he's wantin', i won't,
cuz, you see, billy don't
ever send me those sweet billets-doux.
"
"there once was a model called twiggy,
and later a muppet, miss piggy.
iggy pop had some fame,
and i noticed acclaim
(rather small) for a rapper, no biggie.
"
"we guys at mcdonald's despise
ol' nick on the fryer, who tries
like the devil to show
how it's our jobs that blow.
he's beelzebub, lord of the fries.
"
"at breakfast, calista will dally
to check on her calorie tally.
eating onion flakes whole,
she's reviewing her roll
and pursuing her goal now?bialy!
"
"my caddie is off to the glen
hunting lunch (yes, it's rabbit again).
my low-angled wedge
should provide him an edge.
it's the very first hare club for men.
"
"while reading the catholic epistles,
a nun teaching bible class bristles
as pupils tear pages
from letters by sages
to fashion their high-flying missals.
"
"all the russians who live in rostov
eye an anthracite statue and scoff.
it's a piece of fine art,
but the mayor is smart,
so he's hauling the coal thing right off.
"
"the beatles wrote wonderful melodies
of lovers who shunned infidelities.
said ringo, ""between us
our name is a genus:
the odd-looking acanthoscelides.""
"
"when a job seems unpleasant or hard,
such as cleaning the closets or yard,
grip the prob and just pull it.
c'mon, bite the bullet?
and shake from your ass all that lard.
"
"a madeleine broken in pieces
and dipped in a teacup releases
remembrances of
temps perdu and a love.
so we learn from a proust anamnesis.
"
"the capuchins need to finance
a casino, but can't get the grants.
so a lottery's held
and each brother's compelled
to go sell a gregorian chance.
"
"cottage cheeses i'm making amaze,
and the process has many a phase.
all the casein, each curd,
must be measured and stirred,
but with love as i count all the wheys.
"
"my daughter, who dates a galoot,
is plum crazy. the pair wanna scoot
and get hitched in old lyme.
she's bananas this time!
""no, you cantaloupe, dear?he's a fruit!""
"
"if you're pregnant in rome and you go
to the hospital, this you should know:
the admission's a zoo
and though baby is due,
the caesarian section is slow.
"
"foreign languages give me the fits,
so i'm taking a course with berlitz,
but it's moving so slow
that i'm tempted to go
to that speed-reading school they call blitz.
"
"by commissioning multiple panels
of experts on cable news channels,
we'll demonstrate fox is,
of chronicled poxes,
the most biased in broadcasting annals.
"
"there's another deserving of blame
for divulging a cia name,
but i sit in this cell
for refusing to tell
who told me about valerie plame.
"
"evolution? that theory ain't sound?
can't explain why we humans astound.
we in kansas demand
an intelligent hand,
so our children don't monkey around.
"
"at this beer hall we patrons are wrecks,
but the waiters aren't bringing the checks.
they continue to pour
till a quarter to four
and attend to our calls and our beck's.
"
"there's a hen from bilbao with no legs; it
can't roost very well, so it begs: it
asks people to brood
on its chicks?very shrewd.
it has put all its basques in one egg-sit.
"
"having trifles and trinkets to sell,
a solicitous bedouin swell
might bedazzle the girls
with his brummagem pearls,
but to me he's ameer bagatelle.
"
"what's the top-selling pop? it's a coke.
what's a rip-roaring quip? it's a joke.
so quickly, i beg:
what's the white of an egg?
it's albumen. (i bet you said yolk.)
"
"aragara's a genus of flies
and a word that just doesn't arise
very often, i'd say,
except maybe today,
just to show to you palindrome guys.
"
"in the war, someone chalked out a plan
to avenge yank attacks on japan:
send balloons without flyers
with bombs to light fires
in the states from l.a. to spokane.
"
"in the tropics amphibians race,
but one family's setting the pace.
those ignoring their wishes
will sleep with the fishes.
caecilians are running the place.
"
"you're looking so sexy and svelte.
that's a beautiful skirt and a belt.
but that pullover's best
since it shows off your chest.
is it cashmere or might it be felt?
"
"al is cast as a zany in reno
addicted to coffee and keno,
while playing the hero
is bobby de niro,
the straight man to mad cappuccino.
"
"your chuckles are put to the test;
your guffaws are observed and assessed.
cachinnation, we learn,
is a function of turn.
laughing last is the one who laughs best.
"
"helped my boy with his chores at the zoo,
cleaning cages and animal poo.
when he noted i'd skipped
the last bovid, i quipped,
""there is nothing, son, under the gnu.""
"
"it's the spaniel that sundays prefer,
while for mondays, the pug's de rigueur.
the canicular week
features saturday's peke.
every day has its dog, as it were.
"
"callithumpian noise is a pain
for the monarch, juan carlos, of spain.
though he's issued a ban,
people march when they can,
'cause they love to parade on his reign.
"
"the dentistry students are jarred
and get caught just a little off guard
by the courses they need
to be dental-degreed.
they're all finding the calculus hard.
"
"in st. louis, we folks don't abuse
any irons or putters we use.
it's through golf that i live,
so i'm bound not to give
my new driver, big bertha, the blues.
"
"a low-level hustler named joe,
just a minnow as coke dealers go,
made a fabulous score?
like no other before.
he's so stunned that he's minding his blow.
"
"to the bullet now passing me by
from my foe, i'll let fly my reply?
a countershot sent
with a deadly intent,
since it's meant to go right in his eye.
"
"a counterman works at the deli
and serves me my bagels with jelly.
sitting here on a stool
eating breakfast, i'm cool?
as i blithely ingest salmonellae.
"
"countervailing opinions oppose,
so they help keep us all on our toes.
a dissimilar view
may turn out to be true,
as we learned from the emperor's clothes.
"
"countersignatures go on the line
just below where another would sign
to endorse what is stated
above and, when dated,
say legally, ""everything's fine.""
"
"there were contrary forces at play
in the garden of eden that day,
with a serpent on hand
to subvert the command
of the lord, and so counter his sway.
"
"this detachable stub is your claim
to the seat you reserved for the game.
pull your counterstock out
for that twenty-stone lout
who won't move and then tell him, ""for shame!""
"
"being wrongfully sued, you're incensed,
and by bringing proceedings against
the complainant, you might,
as you countersue, right
what is wrong and see justice dispensed.
"
"a barrister ordering clothes
from a tailor is someone who knows
that a frivolous suit
is a custom-made route
to disputes?and a countersuit's woes.
"
"if the head of a screw sits below
or aligned with the surface, you know
that it's countersunk?screwed
so it doesn't protrude
and, when viewed from the side, doesn't show.
"
"fighting terror leaves folks in a stew,
and they rue or boo-hoo what we do.
seeing acts inhumane,
born of evil and bane,
i'm inclined not to mind. (just my view.)
"
"with a break in its cadence, the horse
shows resistance, but what is its source?
this countertime's due
to the rider, who's new
and, instead of finesse, uses force.
"
"our countermeasure's goal was to hinder
the enemies' gathering tinder.
but they countered that ploy
with another and, oy,
now our fortress is ashes and cinder.
"
"in my kitchen, this surface is quartz,
and it's handy for work of all sorts.
the countertop's great
for preparing a plate
of my signature strawberry tortes.
"
"we're importing tvs from japan,
and we're sending them soybeans and bran.
this agreement we've made
helps our balance of trade.
we've no countertrade planned for iran.
"
"though a counterview earns our respect
when the speaker is calm and direct,
it's a contrary thought
and accordingly ought,
in the end, be a view we . . . reject.
"
"a countervote helps overcome
all the votes for the other side's bum,
or at least that's the gist,
'cause floridians missed
when those ballots with chads made them dumb.
"
"in battle, we counterwheel forces
by making them turn with their horses.
when they head for the hills,
we get stewed to the gills
(though that last part no colonel endorses).
"
"the attackers, both bold and berserk,
came with cannonry, cutlass and dirk.
our ramparts were old.
would this counterwork hold?
yes, it would! we repelled every turk.
"
"this subject is gruesome, alas!
arsine is a poisonous gas.
if you're looking to off
a plebeian or toff,
take a graduate chemistry class.
"
"a blockhead's a bonehead, i'd say.
writing verse bad as this doesn't pay.
my preference: the boot
over endless dispute,
to escape getting hammered all day.
"
"the heroes of athens' ephebes
were the seven who battled with thebes.
it's been said that their chief,
king adrastus, caught grief
when he labeled the other six ""dweebs.""
"
"american english, i fear,
is an oxymoronic idea.
it's a language debased,
not a matter of taste,
laying waste to the englishman's ear.
"
"for the player of jai alai, siesta
delivers a much-needed rest?a
hiatus from all
of that throwing the ball
with his narrow curved basket: the cesta.
"
"carbonic's a word that applies
to a compound that partly relies
on the element c?
like h2co3.
that's an acid with carbonate ties.
"
"""it's cardiothoracic,"" he wrote,
as the doc made a surgical note,
""though he came here in fright,
now the patient's all right,
and his heart's in his chest, not his throat.""
"
"your rigid adherence to norms
and devotion to ritual forms
are a priggish and prim
ceremonious whim?
like your preference for single-sex dorms.
"
"as a one-seeded grain and a fruit,
small and dry (indehiscent, to boot),
wouldn't indian corn
like to have its own horn
(as a proud caryopsis) to toot?
"
"our botany teacher may query us,
""if smoked, is this plant deleterious?""
his questions on cactus
are sure to attract us:
the serious subject here's cereus.
"
"to some mormons resistant to change,
arranged marriages, sadly, aren't strange.
even children are pressed
into wedlock out west
in polygamous homes on the range.
"
"while constructing a cupboard, a jerk
in the white house declares with a smirk,
""let ol' condi and rummy
both call me a dummy?
i'm proud of my cabinetwork.""
"
"here's my counterconditioning tool:
i've been swimming each day in the pool
to help conquer the fear
(idiotic, it's clear)
that i'll drown in a bucket of drool.
"
"you overthrew somebody who
had initially overthrown you,
but they turned it around,
kicked you out, and you found
they had countered your countering coup.
"
"countercyclical policies slow
an economy racing on ""go,""
or they heat one that's cool.
in a sense, they're a tool
that controls with both ""get up!"" and ""whoa!""
"
"they march to protest this or that,
but opponents find out where they're at
and then counter in force.
this occurs since, of course,
demonstrations are oft tit-for-tat.
"
"i copied the artist's design
by tracing, with pencil, each line.
though it's counterdrawn well,
i suppose you can tell?
by its beauty?it's not really mine.
"
"a countersink bit leaves a hole
after drilling?a conical bowl
that allows for a screw
to sit flush, out of view,
when a surface that's flat is your goal.
"
"our counterfire's aimed at the hill
from which cannons are blasting at will.
we hope to destroy
all their guns with this ploy.
after that, we'll be ready to chill.
"
"if a nation has threatening nukes,
its opponents might put up their dukes.
the safest recourse
is a countering force,
given nukes can't be stopped with rebukes.
"
"be careful the measurement's good
when you're cutting a dovetail in wood.
so the tenon won't move
in the mortise's groove,
use a countergage. everyone should!
"
"a counterguard's out there in front
of the bastion in order to blunt
the assaults by a foe.
it's a rampart built low;
of the forays, it's taking the brunt.
"
"counterirritants help to divert
your attention, but may disconcert
by inflaming the skin.
you'll forget your chagrin
when you find that they lessen your hurt.
"
"a squadron of soldiers reverses
direction in stride and, what's worse is,
they countermarch straight
(in a uniform gait)
to the barracks to pick up their purses.
"
"it's mortars we plan to acquire
to neutralize enemy fire.
we'll mortify nuns
as we counter the guns
of their prioress, molly maguire.
"
"when a move by a foe causes stress,
like exposing your sins in the press,
the countermove's clear:
you should just disappear?
change your phone number, name, and address.
"
"to the enemy forces we've lost
vital ground at a terrible cost.
a countermove's planned
for retaking the land.
understandably, fingers are crossed.
"
"we're building a wall right in back
of the main one in case of attack.
if the front one is breached
and this countermure's reached,
reinforcements should take up the slack.
"
"the bombing attack was intensive,
which left all our troops apprehensive,
'cause things can go wrong
when the enemy's strong
and you're mounting a counteroffensive.
"
"your counterpart's sort of a twin,
with a place or position akin
to the one you possess.
i have many, i guess,
who, like me, have been living in sin.
"
"to honor the contract, we knew
(as the parties) what each had to do.
there's a risk in such deals,
and your welshing reveals
who's to blame here?default is with you.
"
"the lions portrayed eye to eye
with their farthermost forepaws held high
on the enemy's coat
and escutcheon denote
(i ain't lyin') we're all gonna die.
"
"coyotes and canines can breed,
and their offspring, the coydog, will feed
on the lamb and the hen,
isn't fearful of men,
and is cunning enough to succeed.
"
"the sons of the sisters of mother;
the daughters of dad's older brother:
they all are my cousins,
and their kids add dozens . . .
all humans are kin to each other.
"
"at the wedding i flatter and coax
uncle's oldest with praises and jokes.
he's a marlboro man
and the cousin i plan
to try first as i'm cozening smokes.
"
"her cheeks are aflame with a rosiness
revealing the shame of her nosiness.
she's seeking to hide
as she's peeking inside
at a couple who snuggle in coziness.
"
"darjeeling that's cold makes her cross,
so i cover the teapot and toss
her a come-hither glance.
i'm athirst for romance,
so i'm cozying up to the boss.
"
"the coypu's a rodent that potters
around on the banks and in waters
of lands like peru.
as a rule, you should do
unto it as you do unto otters.
"
"i'm tilling my garden of verse
to remove a contraction deemed worse
than its forerunners till
and until. let me kill
the apostrophized 'til?it's a curse!
"
"my relative's calling the fuzz in,
but why? cuz i cheated a dozen
poor folks with a scam?
no, i'm stuck in this jam
cuz i cozened my very own cousin!
"
"switching parts is a way to transpose,
like a counterchanged navel and nose.
my face got a lift
that was botched, and i'm miffed.
when i sneeze, it's my belly that blows!
"
"a countercast's something that's slick?
a delusive contrivance, a trick.
(that's an obsolete word
that you'd never have heard,
if you'd not had this limerick to pick.)
"
"a roundhouse the southpaw had dealt
knocked me down in the ring, where i knelt.
i got up, took a hook,
and then clobbered the schnook
with a counterblow?south of his belt.
"
"it's a stroke that repels or drives back,
so a counterbuff stops an attack.
i've been taking karate
and hoping some snotty
young jerk tries to give me a whack.
"
"you can argue as much as you'd like,
get upset, pitch a fit, go on strike.
i'm your mother, okay?
so you'll do as i say:
with no helmet, you won't ride that bike!
"
"counterbattery fire destroys
the artillery someone deploys
to bombard from a distance,
away from resistance.
it sure makes a hell of a noise.
"
"his counterblast follows her screed.
the attack has such force that she'll need
a few days to regain
her aplomb, but it's plain
where this battle of blowhards will lead.
"
"they've been bombing your soldiers to hell,
so you've cannons and mortars to quell.
when you're under attack
and you need to strike back,
a counterbombardment works well.
"
"the indians press the attack,
and the general's blowing his stack.
the countercharge planned
becomes custer's last stand,
with his cavalry flat on its back.
"
"you've an amulet there on your arm
that protects you from mischief and harm,
but my countercharm's might
has been growing all night
and should soon overpower your charm.
"
"the counterchecks clearly reflect
that the previous checks were correct.
yep, the samples affirm
that the father whose sperm
made your kid isn't me?we just necked!
"
"the dog has been claimed by my spouse,
so my counterclaim's seeking the house,
the ferrari, the villa,
the maid from manila,
the children, the cat, and the mouse.
"
"an allegory's something symbolic?
like a sculpture depicting the frolic
of daphnis and chloe,
whose love was unshowy,
idyllic, unspoiled, and bucolic.
"
"a pinheaded druggist named rick
uses cephalothin when he's sick.
but sadly his lung is
infected with fungus?
this drug simply won't do the trick.
"
"athabascans are hunters of game.
taking reindeer and moose is one aim.
catching shellfish and salmon,
they never see famine.
our junk food just isn't the same.
"
"an atroceruleous bruise
on my face has been making the news.
it's a purplish black
and is due to my lack
of success in my battle with booze.
"
"accentuation intensifies things,
be they feelings, emotions . . . or flings.
so i had an affair!
why your heightened despair?
hey, you know i'm a fella who swings.
"
"it's colorless, volatile, scary?
a flammable liquid. be wary,
'cause acrylonitrile,
if given a light, will
explode, and results could be hairy.
"
"a cardinalship isn't a boat
painted red keeping birdies afloat.
it's an office whose scope's
not as broad as the pope's,
but determines the pontiff by vote.
"
"his academism strikes me as whim;
the support for his theories is slim.
such reflections should power
this ivory tower
professor right out on a limb.
"
"when a hundred or hundredth part's meant,
the combining form centi- is lent
to administer aid
to a root word like grade,
yielding temperatures ranged by percent.
"
"assimilation: the changes we make
in our cultural ways for the sake
of conforming. one new
to this country might boo
at the ump or might chicken-fry steak.
"
"political centrism seems
pretty prudent?rejecting extremes.
but it's liberal passion
and left-on-right bashin'
that capture my hopes and my dreams.
"
"it's a cardiac bypass for me,
so they'll open my rib cage and see
if my blood flow increases
and heart pain surceases
from doing this cabg.
"
"in their clinics, these murderers may
have the law to protect them today.
but abortionists' crimes
are the scourge of our times.
god awaits. he will see that they pay.
"
"excuse us if jews appear cynical
of cenacle nuns as the pinnacle
of worshipping god,
'cause it's surely not odd
that the top story here is rabbinical.
"
"ceratopsians had, so it's said,
bony frills on the back of the head.
they were horned-and-beaked creatures
with frightening features,
but herbivores?nothing to dread.
"
"there's a lot of detritus to see
in deposits when water runs free.
the alluvia may
include gravel or clay,
but you rarely find brie in debris.
"
"assimilation's absorption of food
by the body, when what has been chewed
and digested is turned
into cells or gets burned
by our muscles (the rest being pooed).
"
"cerussite's a mineral found
with a carbonate present that's bound
inside crystals. i've read
it's a source of white lead,
which produces a powder when ground.
"
"there's a roman imperial bust in
my office in need of a dustin'.
it's octavian's head;
he's the caesar who spread
pax romana?his time's called augustan.
"
"the center of symmetry sits
at the midpoint. however one splits
this proportional form,
mirrored points are the norm.
it's in balance. it's even. it fits.
"
"if it's grass in the field that you chew
and the skin of your neck catches dew,
and you're loaded with gas
and it's methane you pass,
then you're cowlike?you might as well moo!
"
"a wine tun is hung from a staff
that is borne by two men; each has half
of the weight as they walk
with this cowlstaff and talk
about drinking the wine by carafe.
"
"a shed for the housing of cows
is humane since the structure allows
for protection from rain
and the wind off the plain
(though it won't stop the stench of the sows).
"
"from a sprawling leguminous herb
comes a dish many folks call superb.
black-eyed pea is the name
that brings instant acclaim,
because cowpea, for some, may disturb.
"
"an eruptive disease of the cow
from a virus is said to allow
us protection from smallpox,
the worst-of-them-all pox,
so cowpox?stand up, take a bow!
"
"a coistrel will revel and roister;
the world is this miscreant's oyster.
a knave and a varlet,
he'll hassle the harlot
and chase every nun in the cloister.
"
"second oar is a dandy and fop
who's obsessed with his curly-haired mop.
now he's raking the dome
of the cox with a comb!
won't his coxcombry ever just stop?
"
"coxiella, bacterial genus,
is ravaging cows from salinas.
it's hit all the stocks
of our cattle (not cocks)
and has nothing to do with the penis.
"
"the coyote brush spreads itself wide
in the desert where animals hide.
it's an evergreen shrub,
not your everyday scrub,
having flowery shows to provide.
"
"he minces and stoops to name-droppery;
his periwig's orange-to-coppery.
he's flaming and twee,
just as gay as can be.
he's the champ of coxcombical foppery.
"
"the coursework assigned here at brown
is a chore, and it's getting me down.
all the reading each night
and the papers to write
make it hard to go drinking in town!
"
"i see in the saturday mail
that they've scheduled prince charles for a sail.
the court circular says
he'll be wearing a fez
in izmir while on watch for a whale.
"
"the dress that i wore at the court
for the royal reception's the sort,
with its sequins and lace,
that would seem out of place
for my bilge-cleaning job at the port.
"
"the navy empanels a group
to examine the decks of a sloop.
but this court of inquiry
is fractious and fiery,
unable to get past the poop.
"
"this court is in no way inept,
since its acts and proceedings are kept
in our permanent files.
(we have records in piles
in a cellar that's never been swept.)
"
"my courteousness shows my respect.
i'm not snippy, abrupt, or direct.
i value politeness
more highly than rightness
(and don't want to risk getting decked).
"
"this counterfort strengthens the wall,
which ensures the embankment won't fall.
it's a buttress of stone
not supposed to be prone
to collapse (when an earthquake is small).
"
"it's a building where courts of law meet,
and the county's municipal seat.
in the courthouse one reads
public documents: deeds,
birth certificates, plats from each street.
"
"counteractions are used to restrain,
contravene, cancel out, or contain
the unwanted effects
of a force, like a hex.
eye of newt? it goes right down the drain!
"
"his carriage and manner recall
the demeanor of lords at a ball.
it's a courtliness seen
at a tea with the queen,
not this food court inside of the mall.
"
"you'll find, in each county, a seat,
where its government happens to meet.
that's a city or town
of some modest renown?
being loaded with places to eat.
"
"i'm taking a countywide tour,
going village to town till i'm sure
that i've been in them all
and can quickly recall
every burg?both renowned and obscure.
"
"a coup de th??tre's a turn
of events in a play?like you learn
that a pauper and schmuck,
through a change in his luck,
strikes it rich and has money to burn.
"
"some nouns termed ""collective"" are beauts:
for mallards, a flush or a sute's
what a grouping is called.
but i'm doubly enthralled
by the secretive covert of coots.
"
"a coup?e is a movement in dance
where your legs must be bent to advance.
it was done in the halls
of versailles at the balls
held by louis quatorze, king of france.
"
"they're rafters, a pair, that provide
extra strength 'cause they're yoked side by side.
so a couple-close roof
won't collapse, giving proof
that, in building, you're fit to be tied.
"
"couples therapy's working so far,
though we still tend to squabble and spar.
our shrink says it's bad
if we go to bed mad,
so my husband now sleeps in the car.
"
"i'm courageously changing my horse
in the midst of a stream, and, of course,
many people would tsk
at me taking the risk?
but this mare and i need a divorce.
"
"i went to taranto to dance
and i did the coranto, by chance.
it was sprightly and brisk,
not a pace worth the risk,
since my belt wouldn't hold up my pants.
"
"in some medical courses of study,
the students feel frazzled and cruddy.
pathology class
is a gory morass,
and those surgical stints can be bloody.
"
"the coveter envies another
for something he has. take my brother,
who claims i get more
of what he's wishing for?
unconditional love from our mother.
"
"we two had a wonderful life
till i ogled the neighbor's young wife.
this covetous glance
put an end to romance
and began our descent into strife.
"
"someone rats on the coven?the hitch is,
the witches don't know who the snitch is.
if two hags falsely claim
that a third is to blame,
that's a covin in law. (up yours, bitches!)
"
"this church has a long narrow nave.
i see molding above, give a wave.
to my architect's eye,
there's a coving up high
between ceiling and wall. it's concave.
"
"since the carrot is food for a cow,
both cow parsley and parsnip are chow.
these two plants bearing flowers
get eaten for hours
by bovines (not humans, not now).
"
"sergeant majors? it seems that not all
of them serve in the army. some small
ocean fish share that name,
though another they claim
suggests cattle can fly, i recall.
"
"let me write of a fish that i saw:
full of flab, small of tooth, weak of jaw.
he dwells on the bottom,
so few ever spot 'im.
the cow shark earns pity, not awe.
"
"this shrub favors mountain terrain
where it's cool, not the desert or plain.
the cowberry's fruit,
red and tart, i salute!
it's in sauces and jams (not chow mein).
"
"this flower, no violet, won't shrink.
it's the cowherb; its family's pink.
but it's also a pain
as it's crowding out grain
in my fields, so i'm raising a stink!
"
"this odd umbelliferous plant
is a tuber that portlanders can't
get that much of to eat,
'cause the cowish is a treat
that today, by all measures, is scant.
"
"a woman who cooks, like my mother;
an x-ray technician (my brother);
the front of a sink
or a stage: all, i think,
can be aproned in one way or other.
"
"it's a short-handled hook and a goad
for an elephant pulling a load.
on its end is a spike,
so the ankus may strike
lots of folks as a tool better stowed.
"
"an acquitter succeeds under stress,
does his duty in spite of duress.
but a quitter does not,
giving up on the spot,
like a poet who can't find a, er, . . . ah, forget it!
"
"with a carvel-built ship, there's no rush:
make the planks, at their seams, neatly flush.
though such care with the boat
should ensure it will float,
still a leak can make shipbuilders blush.
"
"acquisitional rules may explain
what a woman should do to obtain
what is hopefully hers.
there's a way that these furs
can be yours?do i make myself plain?
"
"i am trying to learn how to knit,
taking lessons until i am fit.
my acquirement of skill
has my teach, if you will,
casting purls before swine bit by bit.
"
"an attributive adjective sits
right in front of its noun, so it fits
with the word it defines.
if you're parsing these lines,
there's a key one this limerick admits.
"
"for the movie director who picks
an auteurist approach to his flicks,
neither writers nor actors
are primary factors:
they fawn or they're hitting the bricks.
"
"assimilation's a thing that we do,
changing sounds to a neighbor's on cue.
in cupboard the \p\
gets absorbed by the \b\.
we assimilate \z\ in his shoe.
"
"the afterguard polished off draft
after draft at the back of the craft,
pulled the after-sails down
on the poop with a frown,
then abandoned the ship on a raft.
"
"a courtling's an expert at flattery;
this sycophant's constantly chattery.
if it's laid on too thick
or the king hates his shtick,
he'll experience courtier battery.
"
"a courtroom's the place for a trial,
legal motions, forensics, and guile.
the judge and the jurors
are neutral assurers
of justice?well, once in a while.
"
"not a sibling's or stranger's, your praise
means a lot in these difficult days.
i'm telling my aunt
(that's your mom) how i shan't
take for granted your cousinly ways.
"
"this counterinsurgency's loony,
assuming the shiite and sunni
will love one another
like sister and brother
as muslims get all crescent-moony.
"
"our cousinship comes from my dad,
who's your uncle; and now i'm a lad
who has taken to missin'
the days of our kissin',
before we were told it was bad.
"
"covellite, a sulfide of copper,
is blue and stands out in the hopper
of ore from pompeii
near the napoli bay
where vesuvius once came a cropper.
"
"if it's suitable, proper, or fit,
it's a covenable act i commit.
(that's an obsolete word
that few people have heard,
but my webster's declares it legit.)
"
"when i cover for someone at school
who's rebelling and breaking a rule,
i provide an excuse
and expect a profuse
show of thanks, 'cause i'm nobody's fool.
"
"some nouns called collective are beauts,
but a few lead to minor disputes.
for example, this word's
to be used for the birds,
not the geezers: a cover of coots.
"
"she's one covetable woman, it's clear,
but you'd best keep your eyes over here.
you can lust on the sly,
but no leering there, guy,
'cause her boyfriend's beginning to sneer.
"
"as the cows mosey homeward, they head
for the area next to the shed.
i put water and hay
in the pen as the day
turns to night, and then go off to bed.
"
"he's a faker, is mason mcgowan,
despite all the stuff he's avowin'.
he's a little too slick,
and he's droppin' a brick
on the sign that i'm flashin' this cowan.
"
"a million times smaller than worms,
pleomorphic rickettsial germs
form a genus whose name
gave ed cowdry his fame
(and his family a case of the squirms).
"
"he's been cowboying all of his life.
he's adept with a rope and a knife.
his day isn't full
without ridin' a bull.
he prefers his cayuse to his wife.
"
"as a dandy, he's head of the class,
with conceit that no fop can surpass.
pour champagne in your flute,
then stand up and salute:
lift your glass to this coxcombly ass!
"
"the coyol is a palm of repute,
yielding fiber to go with its fruit.
there's an edible nut;
and the bark, when it's cut,
drips a sap that ferments. it's a beaut!
"
"mattel has a toy that, by golly,
is sure to make christmases jolly.
he's narcissist ken
and, like barbie, a ten?
a mustachioed self-adore dolly.
"
"'tween the city and state courts, there sit
those for counties, where judges acquit
or convict an accused,
and are rarely amused
by the lawyers who pick every nit.
"
"my husband is off again coursing,
pursuing a hare as he's horsing
around with the hounds
over hillsides and grounds.
(he's the man i'll be shortly divorcing.)
"
"being driven by lust to distraction,
you're about to commit an infraction.
you're craving the gals
who are dating your pals.
don't let covetousness become action!
"
"my counterplan's simply designed,
from a song that's been stuck in my mind.
every step that you take
and each move that you make
in your plan i've already divined.
"
"you're threatening to capture my knight
and to seize the advantage for white,
so i'm pushing my queen
toward your king 'cause i've seen
that such counterplays make you uptight.
"
"my counterplot's certain to thwart
all your legal maneuvers?in short,
you can scheme and conspire
with the lawyers you hire,
but you're gonna get laughed out of court.
"
"to counter a poison, they make
antivenin?a serum you take
for a chance at outfoxin'
ophidian toxin,
a killer that comes from a snake.
"
"it's the opposite point on a sphere,
just as far as can be from right here,
where ""right here"" is a pole,
north (or south), in a role
that is counter to that of its peer.
"
"let me counterpose positive views
of my rival with negative news:
he's a proven philanderer,
slanderer, panderer,
loser, and user of booze.
"
"you'd promised to open your coffer,
so excuse me for being a scoffer.
my counterproposal?
the garbage disposal
would do for the pittance you offer!
"
"try counterpulsation and start
getting help for your overworked heart.
a perfusion device
pumps your blood in precise
pitter-patters?it's state-of-the-art!
"
"the slopes of the walls of a fort,
if they're steep, help to cumber or thwart
your attackers or foes.
such a counterscarp slows
their ascent while you marshal support.
"
"this countershaft sits in between
the line shaft and milling machine,
getting motion from one
so the other will run.
in a factory, this set-up's routine.
"
"by nature, he's carefree and cheerful?
even blither on days when he's beerful.
if a lady strolls by,
he might give her the eye
up and down, unaware that he's leerful.
"
"our compact is formal and solemn.
i'm bound, since i signed in one column.
it's a fait accompli;
under seal, i agree?
you can ski before me on the slalom.
"
"covenantal agreements can pose,
for one party, both problems and woes.
i'm the covenantee,
so your promise to me
must be kept?no more picking your nose!
"
"a cover-shame masks what is shameful,
a deed for which someone is blameful:
there's a cross on the side
of our brothel to hide
that it's whoreful?unlawfully dameful.
"
"she's entitled, she knows, to her rank,
so the countess tonight is a crank.
to the boors who presume
that her earl's in the room,
she is, fittingly, brutally frank.
"
"counteracting a substance like rust,
first you scrape it all off (even dust).
clean the surface, then try
an inhibitor. why?
for corrosion, prevention's a must.
"
"order things in a set so, when done,
they will all correspond, one to one,
with the numbers we use
when we count. what ensues?
countability! math is such fun!
"
"anti-smoking campaigns aren't a cure,
but they counter tobacco's allure.
teen-hip ads are the tools
(not the dads, moms or schools)
that make kids lose their kools?that's for sure.
"
"the agents that counter include
medications to alter your mood
and ensure an effect
will be halted or checked.
that's why saltpeter's added to food.
"
"merely hint that he's not in the right,
and he counterattacks with delight.
he'll reprove on a whim,
but don't criticize him,
or, oh man, you'll be in for a fight.
"
"when i argued, ""well, all of them do,""
mom's reply was as tried as it's true:
""if some fool climbed a ridge
and then jumped off a bridge,
would you climb up and jump off it, too?""
"
"the frankish invasion has raged,
so a counterattack will be staged.
better shelve our disputes
with the vandals and jutes
since we're otherwise, frankly, engaged.
"
"after calling his rival a boozer,
accusations now plague the accuser.
one countercharge claims
he's been cheating in games
since becoming a steroid abuser.
"
"my girlfriend's a young coryph?e,
due to dance at the met matinee.
as i'm driving her there,
i inquire, ""would you care
to request ballet parking today?""
"
"you should honor one god, mom and dad;
keep the sabbath; no lord! when you're mad.
don't cheat on your wife,
covet mine, take a life,
steal, or lie?oh, and idols are bad!
"
"my boss has shown little restraint,
so i'm filing a formal complaint.
i'll enjoin him from claiming
i'm ready for taming.
he'll learn that compliant i ain't.
"
"i'm a wonderful son of a gun.
ascertainable flaws? i have none.
i'm handsome and tall,
just the greatest of all.
(so reports a committee of one.)
"
"my countrymen, comrades, and friends!
we're a nation that must make amends!
yes, the war has been hard,
but we're losing to lard,
so get up off your bulging rear ends!
"
"a woman in coverture loses
the right to own things that she uses.
she's under the cover
of husband and lover.
by law, he can do as he chooses.
"
"here's a court cupboard, sideboard, buffet?
one that's perfect for food or display.
the cabinet's teak,
louis treize?magnifique!
do i hear seven thousand today?
"
"in frisco, a candidate may
be a shoo-in for mayor today,
but he'll go down in flames
if tomorrow he claims,
""i'm not now, nor have ever been gay.""
"
"the nice guys from ?land are thinnish,
with sex drives that quickly diminish.
these islanders boff
for a sec, then they're off,
because nice guys can't last when they're finnish.
"
"a counterpane sits on the bed.
it's a comforter, blanket, or spread
that's embroidered with stitches
and fancywork, which is,
of course, done with needle and thread.
"
"does the citied society's press
of humanity signal success,
or does populace-stacking
and neighborhood-packing
leave millions in urban distress?
"
"in a deli, the sandwich you buy
is so wrong you've the right to a cry.
you get bread that is white
with no mustard in sight.
they have served you pastrami awry.
"
"the agency teaches clandestine
disguise; and their spies are the best in
the field.  when one poses,
you'd swear that he's moses;
but look, he's that charlatan, heston!
"
"an albatross over the sail
betokens impending travail.
the source of this word
is a seafaring bird,
the alcatraz, just like the jail.
"
"an afghan who lives in kabul
keeps a twenty-inch beard as a rule.
""if the taliban like,
i will wear a vandyke,
a goatee, or a tail like a mule.""
"
"could the guy who received no applause be
that funnyman legend bill cosby?
even he was a bust
among blacks?losing trust
when he dared to point out what their flaws be.
"
"i've made it my lifelong ambition
to savor the sweet apposition
of you and me, dear,
but i'm not allowed near.
your injunction denies me permission.
"
"the chamber pot's under my bed,
just in case i wake up, to my dread,
with a bladder so full
i have no time to pull
on my trousers and run to the head.
"
"abstractional thinking is neat,
with idealized concepts replete.
take a thing like a shoe,
made of leather and glue,
then imagine concrete on your feet.
"
"abstractive reflection can touch
on utopian matters and such.
in a world that's ideal,
all my dates would reveal
their delight if i asked to go dutch.
"
"the chambermaid enters the room,
makes the bed, sweeps the floor with her broom,
cleans the shower and stall,
then goes out in the hall
and next door, where her duties resume.
"
"my heart's on my sleeve, i'm afraid;
my emotions are easily swayed.
i'm affectable, so
i don't ever say no?
and i find that i often get played.
"
"angle irons? a really big deal.
being shaped like an l, they appeal
to the architect's need
for the strength guaranteed
by these sections of structural steel.
"
"when the college of cardinals shared
who they'd made the new pope, they declared,
""there is nary a smirch
on his work for the church,
so this pontiff is holy prepared.""
"
"a man of such manners is rare.
he's polished, refined, debonair.
his courtiery shows
in his bearing and clothes
(and explains my wife's recent affair).
"
"the covenantor shall agree
to be bound to the covenantee
by this covenant's pledge?
not to mess with the hedge
till you first ask the neighbor. (that's me.)
"
"i covenant to say i'll abide
by my promise, which can't be denied.
in our contract, it states
i'm agreeing to dates
where no mates come along for the ride.
"
"a counterfeit's something you make
that's a close imitation, but fake,
like this crystal?it's glass,
which you're trying to pass
off as waterford. gimme a break!
"
"i counterfeit money with skill,
passing fraudulent greenbacks at will.
if you want to succeed
in this business, you'll need
to improve on my three-dollar bill.
"
"the harassment goes on every night;
the guerrillas attack until light.
let's call in manila's
top counterguerrillas
and just put an end to the fight.
"
"your counterinflation credential
(""tight money is good!"") was essential.
it certainly wowed
the supply-sider crowd,
who've allowed that you're quite influential.
"
"institutions providing a slant
that can counter the standardized cant
coming out of the fools
making federal rules
have no chance for a government grant.
"
"a counterintelligence guy,
sent to capture an enemy spy,
got a little concerned
when, by snooping, he learned
her iq, unlike his, was quite high.
"
"the iranian leader, mahmoud
ahmadinejad, ought to be booed
for the venom he spews,
wacko holocaust views,
and his bellicose jew-bashing 'tude.
"
"my chemistry lab partner marge
claims this cation's sure to loom large
on our midterm reports.
it's a counter, of sorts,
to an ion of opposite charge.
"
"on a counter, transactions are made
and the goods being purchased are laid.
many businesses place
underneath it a case,
in which items they sell are displayed.
"
"for counterinsurgents, iraq
is a place where there's no turning back.
if insurgents succeed,
goes the theory, we'll bleed
'cause we'll always be under attack.
"
"this courtesy card from our store
gives the bearer concessions galore:
special discounts and bennies
(like coupons for denny's)
for just a few pennies or more!
"
"in edward ""duke"" ellington's name,
there's a courtesy title?the same
that is used for a peer
of the realm, although here
it's a title without any claim.
"
"the man's the aggressor in courting.
for him it's the same as when sporting.
he's playing a game
in which scoring's the name
(so it's lame to withhold the reporting).
"
"i'm dutifully carrying coals
up to newcastle, filling the holes.
but i'm noticing signs,
in the anthracite mines,
that some others have opposite goals.
"
"a courtier praises the queen,
which induces her highness to preen.
although flattery should
get you nowhere, it's good
for a toady?in fact, it's routine.
"
"this court-martial's searched for the truth,
and we colonels have found it, forsooth!
major burns, you're a dentist
and molar tormentist.
'ten hut! you can't handle the tooth!
"
"the enclosure right next to my house
is a courtyard i built for my spouse.
its gazebo's the site
of a night of delight
cut too short by a fright from a mouse.
"
"couvade leaves me shocked, yet beguiled:
there's a husband whose wife bears a child.
he's in bed, where his screams
mimic labor, it seems,
reenacting the call of the wild.
"
"a cover crop serves to prevent
that erosion of soil we lament.
you refertilize fields
so the next season's yields
are increased to a decent extent.
"
"king edward did not give a toss
for his birthright: monarchial gloss.
by a woman as flawless
and lovely as wallace,
he found himself throne for a loss.
"
"a cover plate helps bring the load
that this girder can bear up to code.
it's been welded in place
to the beam, just in case.
we all hope that it doesn't corrode.
"
"a counterdeployment is planned;
we have seven battalions on hand.
this impressive array
is a way to convey
to our foes that we won't be outmanned!
"
"counterespionage is a must
in a world full of folks we can't trust.
when trying to thwart
foreign spies, we'll resort
to some methods that can't be discussed.
"
"a fluid's subjected to draw
as you sip on a drink through a straw.
up that sucker it goes
till you stop, when it flows
in reverse under gravity's law.
"
"my government makes all the rules?
runs the court system, army, and schools.
some opponents are planning
rebellion while manning
a counter officialdom. fools!
"
"here are counterintuitive things:
an airplane that doesn't have wings,
a giant who's small,
and the oddest of all,
contributions to pols without strings.
"
"your behavior was sterling for years,
but you're influenced now by your peers,
and they've countered a lot
that we taught you?do not
use a pen to pick wax from your ears!
"
"my scale is precise to the ounce.
as each nobleman enters, he mounts.
when the last one has left,
i'll report on their heft,
but for now let me weigh all the counts.
"
"gadzooks! and egad! still have force,
so they're oaths i commend and endorse.
i'm dismayed by the way
folks use language today.
we're uncouth as a matter of coarse.
"
"a restaurateur who's a schnook
gives his sous-chef a lecherous look.
what crosses his mind
is her shapely behind,
and it leads him to goose his own cook.
"
"should we countermand orders that flout
the geneva conventions? no doubt!
yet our chain of command
lets those waterboards stand.
could it be we're expecting a drought?
"
"counterpressure is sometimes applied
when you're hemorrhaging badly inside.
it's a treatment for shock
by a medic or doc
that's employed on an ambulance ride.
"
"every sacrifice bid or finesse
i attempt meets with little success.
playing bridge is a strain
that has made me insane,
so i'm thinking of switching to chess.
"
"any overtricks made in the play
of the cards are important today.
this game's a concoction?
not contract, but auction:
it's bridge for the friendly soiree.
"
"it's a prefix that means to ""oppose""
or ""retaliate,"" bucking your foes.
when counter-'s appended
to punched, you've defended
yourself with your very own blows.
"
"writing limericks is taking its toll,
since i've set a contrarian goal.
all the words i define
start with counter-, a sign
that i'm playing a negative role.
"
"the comedy shown in this skit
isn't great, so it won't be a hit.
it's a somewhat okay,
rather average display
of amusement, with moderate wit.
"
"""sail away!"" orders captain calhoun.
""that's the barbary pirate lagoon!
head to sea!"" so it goes,
as the cowardship shows
on the aptly named s.s. poltroon.
"
"it's a typical cow barn and, sure,
i'll be happy to give you a tour.
all the stalls here are full:
twenty milkers, one bull.
pen's outside. mind your step?that's manure!
"
"let's cowpen the herd near the knoll
past the barn by the watering hole,
put some fencing around,
and in no time the ground
will be fertile?our primary goal.
"
"a couple, a duo, a pair,
a brace, and a dyad all share
a relation to two,
just as doubletons do?
also deuces and twains here and there.
"
"i'm in awe of my cousin maxine,
who's a star on the cozenage scene,
selling gullible folks
on an obvious hoax:
her perpetual motion machine.
"
"the numbers for counting begin
""one, two, three,"" and, for me, that has been
all i've ever required
to go out and get hired,
since i stay at a holiday inn!
"
"an aid worker braves the contagiousness
when smallpox attacks with rampageousness.
he rushes in quickly
to comfort the sickly?
a selfless display of courageousness.
"
"an animal courant is one
that in heraldry's shown on the run.
i've a galloping steed
on my flag who's at speed,
since he spooks at the sound of my gun.
"
"it's driving this man to distraction
and causing his galling inaction.
he vacillates so
over which way to go,
having too many courses of action.
"
"there are twelve of these cards in the deck,
with a head and a face and a neck.
though the court is the scene
for the king and the queen,
what's the jack doing there? someone, check!
"
"at a cow college, subjects abound
on the planting of crops in the ground.
students learn about soy
and agronomy's joy,
while professors of art can't be found.
"
"court reporters keep track of a trial
using steno, a popular style.
if they taped it instead,
they'd get everything said
and could rest more than once in a while.
"
"a seller of mussels runs scams:
printed poundage is actually grams.
a dissatisfied buyer
is suing this liar,
where else? in the court of small clams!
"
"coups d'?tat are decisive events
set in motion by radical gents?
like a sudden rebellion
that's led by a hellion.
the fall-out is often immense.
"
"it's happening here in my class,
and unfolding as students amass
all their as, bs, and cs:
with them eager to please,
i delight in their coming to pass.
"
"the adjective couple means ""two,""
and it sometimes refers to ""a few.""
so when push comes to shove,
there's no need for an of,
'cause a couple martinis will do.
"
"the night crawlers seem to work great,
so i've switched to these wigglers of late.
i'll relax by the brook
with my rod, line and hook,
till the warden yells, ""fisher, cut bait!""
"
"a highlander lassie named ruthie
possesses a grin that is toothy.
a genial sort
and lascivious sport,
she's a hottie a scottie'd call couthie.
"
"counterevidence serves to refute
what is charged in a legal dispute.
if it's offered in court
and it proves to support
the accused, they might throw out the suit.
"
"of the hens in the coop, the genteelest
had always lived life as a realist.
then a champion rooster
seduced and induced her
to change?to a cockeyed idealist.
"
"young borg was a dutiful child.
playing tennis, he never got riled:
as a man on the court,
very gentle?a sport.
he was swedish and bjorn to be mild.
"
"courts of law make decisions in cases,
like suits or appeals, on the basis
of statutes and rules?
some enacted by fools
who the public, through voting, replaces.
"
"our agent will gather the dope?
what's to know of the nature and scope
of the contraband drugs
that their courier lugs
on his trips round the cape of good hope.
"
"in kitchens, where chefs often toil,
they prefer to see smudges and soil.
if cookware is spotless,
the water stays hotless?
since pots that get washed never boil.
"
"her story intends to mislead
and to cover a devious deed.
this iranian spy's
donned a clever disguise
in dumbarton?her burqa is tweed.
"
"some people who view the world gloomily
are apt to engage in contumely.
that word, says my teach,
means ""contemptuous speech.""
it's a noun, not an adverb, presumely.
"
"the fruit of the vine makes my day,
be it claret, chablis, or ros?.
ditch the beer and the rum;
go with wine, my old chum,
because life is a fine cabernet.
"
"this cabernet grape's a late bloomer?
a wine for the comic consumer.
it's an impudent red
that's been knocking them dead:
take a sip of my dry gallo's humor.
"
"covert operations are those
that are happening under the rose.
they're secret, these ops:
when one starts or one stops
isn't clear because ""nobody"" knows.
"
"in this verse, i'll be spinning a yarn
about cows, and i don't give a darn
if they're galloway, brahman,
or something more common.
they all can be found in a barn.
"
"put a half-dozen eggs in a pot.
fill with water, turn burner to hot.
bring to boil, wait just five
minutes more, and then i've
shown how splendid a cook i am?not!
"
"if you cowboy, your life will be full,
as you ride on a horse and you pull
on a steer with your rope,
then dismount with the hope
of successfully throwing the bull!
"
"she steps up to the bar for a shot.
""jack daniels! i'll take all you got!""
western boots, open shirt,
heaving chest?what a flirt!
she's a cowgirl, and udderly hot.
"
"this counterconspiracy will,
if successful, discover and kill
the carnivorous band
of connivers who've planned
that assault on our barbecue grill.
"
"i'll have coverage that's narrow, not wide,
since some risks i'll accept and abide.
comprehensive, collision
are all i envision.
the rest? i'll be letting them ride.
"
"the coverage you get for a speech
is the number of persons you reach.
use tv, and your word
is extensively heard.
that's what media specialists teach.
"
"i'd be happy to row with the flow,
but a contrary current says, ""whoa!""
it turns me around
so i'm opposite-bound,
and it's back cross the inlet i go.
"
"those nouns called collective are odd,
like for dolphins, whose group is a pod.
there's a hover of trout,
but i'm having some doubt
about this one: a capeness of cod.
"
"a covering letter makes sense.
it explains the attachments and, hence,
should assist the receiver
of info and leave her
more sure of the sender's intents.
"
"the cow pony's agile and strong;
herding cattle, it rarely goes wrong.
it can cut out a steer,
even one that's not near,
and this saddle horse works all day long.
"
"while thieves rustled cattle in dover,
the cowherd hid out in the clover.
a hero dies once,
but this coward affronts.
he'll be dying a thousand times over.
"
"i'm a renter of cabriolets,
horse-drawn carriages, hacks, and coup?s.
every vehicle type
is deserving of hype,
but my clients just cut to the chaise.
"
"the folks at the counterconvention
are hoping to grab our attention.
""go green!"" they tell voters,
as eager promoters
of carbon emission suspension.
"
"it's a chocolate. a third of this sweet?
cocoa butter, in order to meet
the demands for the label
of couverture?able
to satisfy fans of that treat.
"
"a genial scotswoman, ruthie,
would grin when her dad called her couthie,
harking back to her youth
when, for lack of a tooth,
ruthie couldn't pronounth ""loothey-goothey.""
"
"a seven-foot fella from tonga
is eating a beef chimichanga
when one of his aunts
(who's a dwarf) asks to dance,
and he finds himself stooping to conga.
"
"we're a rural-based general store,
stocked with sundries and dry goods galore.
in the country, we try
to supply what they buy:
not just basics, but quite a bit more.
"
"the lascivious act you suggest
we perform at the price you request
means my countersuggestion
will be, without question,
""hands up, pal, you're under arrest!""
"
"countertendencies serve to oppose
predilections and leanings of those
of the typical mind,
like a guy who's inclined
to walk backwards wherever he goes.
"
"chiang mai is a singular prize?
a ""new city"" of riches and size
back in 1296?
that today is a mix
of historic and cultural thais.
"
"the terrorist threats still remain,
so at airports the stress is insane.
every counterthreat measure
reduces the pleasure
once common when taking a plane.
"
"when you thrust with your trusty ?p?e,
your opponent may turn it away.
if you happen to tarry,
he'll follow his parry
with counterthrust, point, and ""touch?!""
"
"it was push and push back every day.
thrust and counterthrust april and may.
'twas the time of the year
for the mating of deer?
and the making of bucks, by the way.
"
"a couchette is a seat on a train
that converts to a bed with no strain.
it collapses for sleeping
at night, thereby keeping
you rested from sweden to spain.
"
"it's a countable set, which implies,
using natural numbers, you guys
can determine how many
components (if any)
it has, thus determine its size.
"
"i returned to this web site today
and reviewed a few poems, so i'd say
(though my mojo to write
is still missing) it might
be okay to come back here and play.
"
"listen here for my countrified take
on how rednecks and clodhoppers bake:
pound some beef, dip in batter,
fry it up, get a platter,
add the gravy?that's country-fried steak!
"
"my cousin, a country-born kid,
comes to visit?and, heaven forbid,
he's amazed by the sights,
the tall buildings and lights,
and the fact that my john has a lid.
"
"country doctors make house calls on farms,
bringing medical know-how that charms.
they deliver our babies,
treat shingles and scabies,
set the bones that are broke in our arms.
"
"country mile: that's a long way to go?
all us hicks in the sticks would say no.
in chicago, a mile
takes an hour (what a trial!)?
around here, just a minute or so.
"
"i'm a certified country-bred youth,
just a clodhopper, rough and uncouth.
lacking polish and charm,
i'm at home on the farm,
drinking moonshine?not gin and vermouth.
"
"i'm hog-wild for that country-style pork?
it's so tender it's cut with a fork.
on the farm, it gets stripped
from the ribs and then dripped
with a sauce that don't come from new york.
"
"in montgomery county, the council
is pulling its weight?every ounce'll
be used to enact
legislation we've lacked
to eradicate weeds like the groundsel.
"
"the conventional views of the past,
through tradition, are destined to last.
there's a similar mission
for countertradition:
preserving those views that contrast.
"
"grown wary of threatening gales,
and blown westward, a boat trims its sails.
but the currents start shifting,
curtailing the drifting.
the sea, as a force, countervails.
"
"he's filing for half of our biz,
so my claim is a counter to his.
we were partners, but i
did the work as this guy
spent all day sipping sloe-vodka fizz.
"
"i'm resetting my timex's date
as i fly to kauai from kuwait.
counterclockwise i'm winding
the stem, and i'm finding
that, backwards, the 9 becomes 8.
"
"every night i'd count thousands of sheep
on my way to the slumbering deep,
but the numbers just grew.
so i knew what to do?
switch to pills. now i countlessly sleep.
"
"most nobles have sampled my wares:
some marquises and barons in pairs!
i've romanced many earls
and had dukes give me whirls.
i've had myriad, countless affairs.
"
"i'll start at the state and move down
to the county, the city, the town.
these are governments all
that appall me and y'all
for employing the crook and the clown.
"
"a drive in the countryside's fun.
take a break; you've been under the gun.
get refreshed by the charms
of the pastures and farms.
then return: there's a rat race to run.
"
"it's the country club life i adore:
early tee times are easy to score.
play a round, in by ten.
grab a bite, out again,
doing 18 more holes before four.
"
"coups de maitre, it seems, are routine
for the chef who makes fancy cuisine.
this divine cordon bleu
is a masterstroke, too,
and it came from a vending machine!
"
"araras, macaws from brazil,
have a call that is throaty and shrill.
feathered blue, yellow, black,
but now under attack,
every one should be making a will.
"
"he's the lawyer who's taken my case,
and he's promised i'll win?to my face.
i continue in awe
of my counselor-at-law?
and the speed of his ambulance chase.
"
"some animals' shading makes dark
coloration seem light and not stark.
this counters effects
of the sun and protects
them from predators out in the park.
"
"there was o and then a and then s:
all the levels of students' success.
the advanced test appended
was mostly intended
(in england) for oxbridge, i guess.
"
"the life of a mollusk ain't glamorous,
except for the time when it's amorous.
when geoducks mate,
clonking shells, they create
a commotion that's said to be clamorous.
"
"there's a nest holding eggs in the hutch,
where a hen is abrood?nothing much
has been happening here,
but if cracks should appear,
then some chick's coming through in the clutch.
"
"a covey's a number of birds,
but it's not the precisest of words.
it's a flock. it's a pair.
are those doves in the air?
i don't care?i'm just ducking their turds.
"
"as marie antoinette made her way
to the bedroom, clapped-out from the day,
she encountered a crowd
of adherents, who bowed,
then applauded her nightly couchee.
"
"le cirque's impresario groans
at the work of his comic unknowns.
so he buys dna
to create present-day
emmett kellys, then sends in the clones.
"
"a maker of woolens named roth
found his garments destroyed by a moth.
it had chewed through each smock,
dress, and coat in his stock,
thus defrocking this man of the cloth.
"
"i'll give thanks for the free pair of hose
in this letter i'm set to compose,
it begins with ""dear friend""
and will fittingly end
with a nice complimentary clothes.
"
"as a counter to sex education,
some parents eschew confrontation
with school boards, relying
on churches supplying
their children a moral foundation.
"
"a resolute company man
has promised to do what he can
to cover for crooks,
so he's juggled the books,
but the balance sheet's hitting the fan.
"
"i'm opposed to the taxes on both
the new housing and schools, 'cause i'm loath
to lose out on the things
that development brings.
down with counterincentives to growth!
"
"this statement should serve to refute
what the lady has claimed in her suit.
she's pregnant, okay,
but i'm sterile?no way
i'm the father: it's blanks that i shoot.
"
"when a counterstyle kindles your passion,
you buck the conventional fashion.
becoming a rogue,
you reject what's in vogue,
but watch out: you'll be in for a bashin'.
"
"let me note counterstrategists' goals:
they examine your game plans for holes,
and intend to undo 'em
by drivin' right through 'em
in up-armored hummers and rolls.
"
"on the first day, it's corn that i eye.
on the second, it's wheat that i try.
on the third day, it's bran.
i'm a cereal man,
and i'm checking for grain that's awry.
"
"this shadowy government's found
in tibet, where it's deep underground.
it's a counterstate run
by the lamas?the one
that will rule when the dalai's re-crowned.
"
"keeping track of the points is the aim
of the counters that came with the game.
they are pieces of metal
with numbers that settle
our scores without quarrel and blame.
"
"a bell can be hung round the neck
of your cow, not to keep it in check,
but to send out a sound
so she's quick to be found
if she won't come around at your beck.
"
"your coworker sleeps on the job
while you dutifully polish each knob.
you're the diligent one.
he's the president's son?
groomed for management, yessiree bob!
"
"the passports you're making are flawed,
and you have the intent to defraud.
by committing this crime
(counterfeisance), there's time
that you'll serve and no friends who'll applaud.
"
"it was handball for me when a frosh,
then i switched, as a sophomore, to squash.
both are games played on courts,
not your typical sports.
now it's jai alai for buckling my swash.
"
"it's a group at authority's hub:
an assembly, committee, or club.
a council's the spot,
legislative or not,
for the folks that it pays not to snub.
"
"it's an anticoagulant drug,
just what's needed for saving this mug
who has dangerous clots.
give him coumadin?lots!
if we don't, we'll be pulling the plug.
"
"our theater is putting on grease,
with a prompter inside the coulisse
'tween the side scenes, stage right.
but the actors tonight
know their lines, so she's holding her peace.
"
"get your watch out and time me here, mate;
in a minute we'll know how i rate.
there's a record to beat:
count the hotdogs i eat?
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven . . . eight!
"
"a couronne is a loop that's crocheted
on the edge of a tassel or braid.
there are many in lace,
as embroiderers place
them in borders of silk and brocade.
"
"robitussin and vicks 44:
both are cough syrups sold at the store.
when i'm down with the flu,
sick in bed, one will do:
yes, it's nyquil that sits in my drawer.
"
"an uppercut, roundhouse, and hook
were a few of the punches i took
in round one of the fight,
till i crossed with a right
and my counterpunch flattened the schnook.
"
"they bomb; we retaliate fast.
they counter; we strike like the last.
this cycle's pernicious,
persistent, and vicious,
with roots that go deep in the past.
"
"their raiders invaded manassas
and hauled off our horses and asses.
a counterraid's planned
for tonight, and our band
of marauders are after their lasses.
"
"my aunt's oldest daughter is chris,
who, i fondly recall, was the miss
way back when in kentucky
with whom i got lucky
and copped my first cousinly kiss.
"
"the state has agreed that deterrence
is needed for countertransference.
they lock up a shrink
for the things that he'll think,
which has helped to reduce its occurrence.
"
"this shrub hides a young armadillo
near the west texas town amarillo.
it's a buckthorn, and so
the coyotes all know
not to mess with the barbed coyotillo.
"
"the coupon rate paid on the note
was so high i had reason to gloat,
till my wife got concerned,
checked the interest i'd earned,
and then learned of my mistress's boat.
"
"to a classic composer's despair,
his clavier (it's baroque) needs repair.
now it sits up on blochs
offenbach in a bachs,
verdi marking says ""handel with care.""
"
"the opposite way to proceed
is a counterstep: something you need
when the regular course
is a path to remorse,
as when lemmings all follow the lead.
"
"now that purges don't take up their time,
the reformers are turning to crime.
so the people are storming
for counterreforming?
restoring a peaceable clime.
"
"the matterhorn mountainside's steep,
and its iced-over gorges run deep.
in the spring, these couloirs
show their water-cut scars
when the melt comes and makes a clean sweep.
"
"the highwaymen couch by the road
in the bushes and signal by code.
there's a horse-driven coach
that is on its approach,
so get ready for guns to explode.
"
"a catamount couchant appears
on the flags of the french cavaliers.
it's reclining, head raised,
but the english aren't fazed.
most guffaw?others break out in sneers.
"
"if you're struck, you should counterstrike fast,
or aggression is likely to last.
those who quickly hit back
when they face an attack
are the folks that are rarely harassed.
"
"so your neighbors decided to sue,
and defeated you?what can you do?
you can end the ordeal,
like a sorry schlemiel,
or appeal to a court of review.
"
"a medieval conventional code,
courtly love set the rules of the road:
what a lady could do,
and what things were taboo,
whether wooed by a prince or a toad.
"
"the judges hear lawyers' summations
of parents' and children's frustrations.
they settle disputes
born of custody suits
in the courts of domestic relations.
"
"he's performing fraternity art,
and the countdown is ready to start:
10, 9, 8, 7, 6,
5, 4, 3, 2, 1?flicks
on his bic and then poof! goes a fart.
"
"our bulletin board welcomes bill,
and his erudite messages thrill.
when he takes some offense
and starts flaming, we sense
that he's going from poster to pill.
"
"court of honor: the leader and scribe
of your troop are the ones you should bribe
on this prize-giving board
for a girl scout award
(but make sure all your alibis jibe).
"
"cbs deemed its newscast too weighty,
so they signed, as their anchor, a lady.
but ms. couric's no hit,
so les moonves has quit?
singing praises for lackluster katie.
"
"counterterror refers to the acts
undertaken to stop the attacks
that the terrorists wage,
in their merciless rage,
on the innocent: those are the facts.
"
"as a color-blind fellow for whom
red and green look the same, i presume
that my tomb's gonna say,
""he'd be living today
had a stoplight not led to his doom.""
"
"for one corduroy wearer, a glitch is
the rustling it makes, so he pitches
his pants in a pile,
strikes a match with a smile,
and rejoices at burning his britches.
"
"a counterpart makes a good fit
for a thing or a person. to wit,
it's a complement, kin,
carbon copy, or twin,
or, in one sense, a tat for a tit.
"
"your cheating had seemed counterfactual,
but then, in the end, turned out actual.
you'll rue having strayed
'cause the lawyer i've paid
says that promise you made was contractual.
"
"coulee crickets can devastate crops,
as they hop across fields, making stops:
climb a stalk, have a chew.
there's not much you can do,
except hope that the temperature drops.
"
"at summer camp, counselors rule?
not just older and wiser, but cool.
adolescents comply
with their orders?know why?
those who don't will get dunked in the pool.
"
"we've a world filled with ass-headed fools,
like those corporate and government tools
who deny global warming
and keep misinforming
the public on carbon-based fuels.
"
"counterplotting, we've fashioned a plan
to intrigue against foes in iran.
we'll brand them as kooks,
say they're dealing for nukes,
and then bomb them as hard as we can.
"
"my brother is crazily witted;
through life he has constantly flitted.
now he's hitting the booze,
so if madness ensues,
we'll make sure he gets quickly committed.
"
"orthopedists accept the convention
that doctors avoid making mention
of humerus things
when your arms are in slings,
'cause it raises a bone of contention.
"
"george bush is the nation's decider?
compassionate, not a divider.
for seven long years
he has played on our fears?
(better stop now before i get snider).
"
"""the vasectomy won't hurt your vigor,""
said my doc, ""or your thingamajigger.""
though it's blanks i now shoot,
something doesn't compute,
'cause i'm way, way too quick on the trigger.
"
"james bond seemed so manly and bold
that this story has rarely been told.
when a bug laid him low,
he turned gay. now you know:
he's the spy who came out from the cold.
"
"part-svengali, part-bozo on air,
sonny bono created the pair.
he drove at the start,
but switched seats on the cart,
quite content to be riding a cher.
"
"a semiarboreal marten
found colby and brie in a carton.
now he's  cuttin' the cheese
as he swings through the trees
with a pop-goes-the-weasel-like fartin'.
"
"a train-set designer had dreams
of constructing two trestles with beams
that would hold his own weight,
but he ate and he ate.
got too big for his bridges, it seems.
"
"a couch that is covered stays clean,
while a covered couch comes with a screen.
there's a top on this litter
allowing the sitter
to titter at people, unseen.
"
"my doctor is vinnie boombatz, who
was schooled on the island of matsu.
this certified quack
is now cracking my back
with massage, acupressure, shiatsu.
"
"the best of our seamstresses know
that, in heaven, the lord will bestow
on them fabulous clothes
from the finest of shows,
since he's promised they'll reap what they sew.
"
"yes, she flirts at the counter with boys
and her giddiness sometimes annoys,
but i'll counterpoise that
with a tip of my hat
to her poise with that gat she employs.
"
"a counterpoint serves to contrast.
in debates, it's an argument cast
by the opposite side,
and it shouldn't be snide,
lest it leave all the judges aghast.
"
"she asks, i respond, then she wants
to rejoin my reply. for the nonce,
i have furrowed my brow
as i think about how
i might counter her counterresponse.
"
"for the faithful, uncertainties vex,
making science a pain in their necks.
since there's certitude god
can provide, it's not odd
counterscience is strong in some sects.
"
"counterphobic procedures appear,
on the surface, a little bit queer.
you're confronting the things
that you dread, yet it brings
you the power to conquer your fear.
"
"the salmon who swim in a line
up a river can serve to define
what a counterstream is
(as might also my whiz
on your shoe, since you're peeing on mine).
"
"be it caterwaul, cackle, or bawl,
every countercry answers a call.
both the mammal and bird
have the right to be heard,
but they're driving me right up the wall!
"
"they're taking the census today
and assaulting my sense of fair play.
so i'm gonna strike back
with a counter-attack,
keeping track of how many survey.
"
"count nouns are nouns that refer
to those things you can tally (not myrrh).
they take numbers like two
(in the plural) and few.
some examples? computer and cur.
"
"the calcium phosphates include:
one we use when we're baking our food;
one that's earning its props
helping fertilize crops;
one our bones and our teeth have accrued.
"
"there's a hint of a hanukkah aura
to the flowering corymbose flora.
their blooms reach a height
that is level?just right
for the candles that light a menorah.
"
"coryphaenidae fishes include
active species considered as food.
the coryphenes rue,
as the dolphinfish do,
getting netted, deboned,  and then stewed.
"
"under enemy shelling, we call
in a counterstrike, hoping to stall
the advance of their force,
and have little remorse
that we've happened to kill one and all.
"
"an unusual region of greece is
achaea in peloponnesus.
some folks living there
balance objects on air;
they are masters of telekinesis.
"
"the grand revolution is done,
but it's scoundrels and blackguards who've won.
we must counter these guys,
overthrow them. arise!
yes, the new revolution's begun!
"
"he'd been calling me ""doofus"" and ""geek,""
so i worked on my boxing technique.
but my roundhouse proved lame
when his counterpunch came;
i was spitting out teeth for a week.
"
"boone covered a song done by fats.
it's a version, to all of us cats,
that stripped rock 'n' roll
of its rhythm and soul.
what a shame the best seller is pat's!
"
"to people who pry, i reply,
""so i'm bedding a gal and a guy.
yeah, i'm bi, by the way.
ain't no biggie, okay?
it's a side issue?merely a by.""
"
"there's a critical point you can't miss
in a film and you're startled, like this:
what a counterturn when
luke discovers from ben
(wan kenobi) that leia's his sis!
"
"it's a crystalline base in a gland
with five nitrogen atoms at hand.
this adenine goo
has five hydrogens, too,
and five carbons that finish its strand.
"
"adhd means you've a proclivity
for disorders of hyperactivity.
your attention will race
just all over the place.
there's a deficit of productivity.
"
"jesus christ is betrayed by a kiss.
(thirty pieces of silver for this?)
judas purchases land
called aceldama and
spends eternity in the abyss.
"
"my lamaze accoucheur at the birth
thinks the mind can move heaven and earth.
""just relax,"" he says, ""breathe!""
""et mais oui, doc,"" i seethe.
""and may you pass a stool with this girth!""
"
"""as our animal scientists vouch,
an allantois forms as a pouch
in a mammal's placenta.""
(so says the yenta
who's sitting right here on my couch.)
"
"when a methyl's formation is done,
it's an alkyl, organic and fun.
add some hydrogen to
carbon atoms and you
will have cnh2n+1.
"
"some bodies just soak up the sun.
their absorptance gets almost to 1.
but others reflect
even light that's direct.
they can lie out and never get done.
"
"there's a fungus among us, they say,
and our fruit is now aecium's prey.
its binucleate spores
burrow into the cores.
guess i won't have an apple today.
"
"when you alkalinize, you can halt
an acidic solution's gestalt.
raise the ph a bunch,
but don't pummel or punch,
or you might just be charged with a salt.
"
"using coscinomancy, some seers
have divined via riddle and shears.
a sieve they suspend
from their scissors (each end)
can foretell who's to wed among peers.
"
"made a purchase and, man, how i'm lovin'
my countertop microwave oven!
it's gigantic. what's more,
there's less surface to store
any crap. (i'm a cook and a sloven.)
"
"here's a word for the herd who hurrah
those who maim in the name of allah:
counterterrorists will
put an end to the swill
who'd as soon kill your kid as your pa.
"
"to counterweigh something, you push
back against it with shoulders or tush.
or you might employ rocks
or a dumbbell or blocks
(or a vote that repudiates bush).
"
"an action's opposed or refused
when a process like counterwork's used.
there's a jackass with gripes
at my counter and, cripes,
he's just working to get himself bruised.
"
"courts of honor are run by a group
of officials who work with a troop,
giving badges and pins
to the boy scouts, whose grins
lead their parents to holler and whoop.
"
"loaning funds to a country beset
by unrest may engender regret.
there's a risk they'll delay
or refuse to repay?
be prepared to forgive and forget.
"
"these courses of lectures are free.
every speaker's a new phd:
many subjects each week,
from religion and greek
to cryonics and primetime tv.
"
"bromine's added to something, which means
bromination occurs; so this scene's
got a halogen chain
or an eosin stain
or a scientist working on genes.
"
"i'm a lass who has trouble committing;
between boyfriends i'm constantly flitting.
my mother's a pearl
for not needling her girl.
(she's a lady who sticks to her knitting.)
"
"the countertrades blow from the west,
the reverse, as their name would suggest,
of the trade winds?but high
up above in the sky,
leaving sailors below unimpressed.
"
"when a glycoside enters the gut,
by hydrolysis it will be cut.
the aglycone's the part
that will pass to the heart
while the sugar goes straight to the butt.
"
"at a diplomats' ball in dushanbe,
an ambassador named abercromby
was feeling quite weak,
till he danced cheek tajik.
now he no longer moves like a zombie.
"
"a catholicized country rejects
what the vatican leader directs.
though the pope pushes rhythm,
these catholics ain't with 'im?
they're putting on condoms for sex.
"
"abolitionized folks are imbued
with the morals that make them conclude
that it's always a sin
and a cause for chagrin
when a human is owned and subdued.
"
"a chemist, incredibly bold,
had a theory, and lo and behold!
can you guess where it led
when he forged right ahead?
well, he alchemized lead into gold!
"
"there's a honeycomb up in a tree,
but beware of the buzzers you see.
though a bit undersized,
they've been africanized
into killers?the powers-that-bee.
"
"this stepping is hard to surpass;
as a workout, it's really a gas.
i'm pumped and i'm cool,
an aerobicized fool
(and the only guy taking this class).
"
"there's incitement to fight from the start.
now a stimulant's driving your heart,
and you're feeling the gush
of an energy rush.
you're adrenalized off of the chart.
"
"to the gal who's an exercise staller
and an indolent, oversize crawler:
take that step class at noon
and aerobicize?soon
you'll be wearing a robe a size smaller.
"
"when they amortize loans, i'm at sea,
even though i've a college degree.
compound interest is hard!
here's advice from the bard:
neither lender nor borrower be.
"
"there's a crumbly, residual crust
after minerals burn and combust.
it's the calx left behind
when a metal's calcined.
this procedure's a maker of dust.
"
"i'll be sending some sweet flags to sue,
and i figure twelve dozen should do.
it's a sign of amour
with a fragrant allure.
got a gal who's in calamus?ooh!
"
"from a feather, the calamus will
make an excellent pen or a quill.
you can fill it with ink
to express what you think,
be it noble or run-of-the-mill.
"
"something cotyliform has the shape
of a cup. take the hips of an ape:
acetabular sockets
are acting as pockets
for thighbones, which cannot escape.
"
"my grandmother managed to slip
and fracture a bone in her hip.
acetabulums make
an elaborate break:
there's a socket, a ball, and a chip.
"
"a cotylosaurian crawled
from the swamp, found a clearing, and sprawled.
'twas the permian period,
when divers and myriad
reptiles emerged?and then brawled.
"
"at our annual general meeting,
the  company's boss takes a beating.
with nasty epistles
and air-to-ground missiles,
the shareholders blast him for cheating.
"
"in this coupe rode my very first date;
44 in a year, it's a crate.
bye-bye, delta! it's time
for the junkyard, so i'm
86ing my olds 88.
"
"the censor inside you represses
a notion before it progresses
to consciousness?bleeping
bad comments and keeping
you free of indecent excesses.
"
"the ceiba's a tropical tree
having pods holding seeds whose debris
gives us more than enough
of a silken-like fluff
making mattresses comfy for me.
"
"before storage, they smear every gun
with petroleum jelly?no fun.
the typical gob
hates this cosmoline job
and can't wait till it's over and done.
"
"cosmopolitanism is cool:
self-important sophisticates rule,
heaping praise on the city
while mocking the gritty,
parochial, countrified fool.
"
"it's a catheterization?and you
are injected with heart dye. on cue,
you count, ""one . . .,"" then you quit?
cuz your heart has! you're hit
with a shock! you revive, counting, "". . . two . . .""
"
"by catechization, religion
is taught, leaving only a smidgen
of freedom to think
for yourself. they say blink,
and you blink?a pavlovian pigeon.
"
"a sauna, an igloo, a pool:
you adjust to these things as a rule.
if they're freezing or hot,
you adapt on the spot.
such acclimatization is cool!
"
"we're costively doling out dough,
and our kids aren't too happy, we know.
yes, we're stingy right now,
but they're gonna say ""wow!""
when the will is read after we go.
"
"the prefixes costo- and cost-
both refer to the rib?they get tossed
all around by physicians
in words, since their mission's
to make us feel stupid and lost.
"
"cotenancy's not for the meek:
there are folks sharing dwellings who freak
when their housemate's intent
upon shirking the rent
and thinks sinks are for taking a leak.
"
"my escutcheon has two narrow stripes
on each side of the chevron. they're types
of heraldic designs
made with ruler-straight lines?
oops, they're curlicued cotises. cripes!
"
"cotrustees, working jointly, ensure
beneficiaries' trusts are secure.
since the pair put in charge
of my assets live large
in peru, something tells me i'm poor.
"
"the clairaudient wife has an ear
for the sounds that her husband can't hear.
there's the faucet that leaks
or the flooring that squeaks
when he speaks about football or beer.
"
"the nouns called collective are cool:
it's a gaggle of geese, as a rule,
and for capons, a mews.
for a minyan of jews,
do gefilte fish swim in a shul?
"
"this cow pen's enclosed by a fence,
and inside is a field that's immense.
any bossies that try
to escape would defy
what, for bovines, makes manifest sense.
"
"the tactics a general uses
to counter an enemy's ruses
are likely to fail
if they merely entail
the irrational blowing of fuses.
"
"the ploys and the counterploys fly
in the battle called spy vs. spy,
one of mad magazine's
most intriguing routines,
where each gambit's one-upped in reply.
"
"my enemies watch what i do,
so i sense that they're planning a coup.
these potential assailants
need countersurveillance?
i'm planting a mike in the loo.
"
"a counterproof's something you get
when a print that's engraved is still wet.
a new one is made,
but reversed?i'm afraid
your new c-note won't settle our debt.
"
"some counterreformers are those
who had pushed for a change, but propose,
after upticks in crimes,
we return to the times
of the past, 'cause the bloom's off the rose.
"
"my foe's propagandists are tops,
so the voters are giving him props.
but i'll counter his lies
with the truth, and i'll rise
in the polls when support for him drops.
"
"it's counterproductive to crow
from the top at the people below.
we folks who you taunt
may just come back to haunt
you 'cause, blowhard, you reap what you sow.
"
"for my friend and philosopher betty,
cosmogonic reflection's not petty.
it's important to see
how the world came to be:
'twas a monster (who flies) of spaghetti!
"
"cosmological matters concern
the philosopher, striving to learn
how the universe works?
its mechanics and quirks:
how the world, as it were, came to turn.
"
"when you're sick and you think it's a bug,
but you're swollen and feel like a slug,
and you can't take a leak
and your ticker is weak,
take an acetazolamide drug.
"
"as the counsel who's new to the crown,
a solicitor's earning renown.
when the queen is in trouble,
he's there on the double,
no longer out painting the town.
"
"a barrister noticed me trip
on a cruise, when i bruised my left hip.
from the doctor i got
a few pills and a shot?
from the lawyer, free counselorship.
"
"a statement, to greeks, is inferred
if its opposite must be absurd.
it's a weird kind of logic
they call apagogic.
makes sense, i would guess, to a nerd.
"
"the spermatozoon's designed
with only one thing on its mind.
there's an acrosome snout
from which enzymes will spout
and invade all the ova they find.
"
"a chemistry prof who's fanatical
is taking a year on sabbatical.
this wacky aesthete'll
commune with acetyl,
returning more rabid and radical.
"
"we've been costeaning down by the lake,
leaving trenches and pits in our wake.
if there's ore to be found
in the rock underground,
it'll lead to a claim that we'll stake.
"
"it's a thistle, eurasian, an herb,
and its pale purple blooms are superb.
there are cotton-like hairs
on its leaves, but despair's
what you'll feel if this plant you disturb.
"
"in the garden right next to my cottage
(my plot has a very small plottage),
i nurture the rose
and the pink, but what grows
is the tulip,  while flaunting its wattage.
"
"a cottager lives in a cottage;
his dwelling has minimal wattage.
he's tilling a plot,
in what plottage he's got,
planting peppers to put in his pottage.
"
"at times it's a force of attraction,
but at others, repulsion's the action.
as the distance gets large,
the effect of the charge
of the coulombs is only a fraction.
"
"the cottier's life wasn't pleasant,
as he toiled on the land like a peasant.
or he'd rent a small farm,
having bid for the charm
of supporting a lord shooting pheasant.
"
"it's a stainer of cotton whose role
is to pierce the developing boll,
thus releasing a tint
that will color the lint.
it's an insect we've learned to control.
"
"the cottidae swim in the seas
and the lakes of the north as they please.
they're a family of fishes,
large-headed, whose wish is
to skip being dishes with cheese.
"
"when plants are albescent, they might
lose their color and turn a bit white,
unlike women whose hair
would be lighter, but they're
using clairol's new ""black-as-the-night.""
"
"eatin' baccy, tomatoes, and bolls
(those of cotton) are three of the roles
that the corn earworm fills
till it pupates, which stills
all the thrills of its ravenous strolls.
"
"pinkish-white, red at night, what i'm spottin'
are blooms that, once seen, aren't forgotten.
these hibiscuses grow
in the south?what a show!
to confederate roses i cotton!
"
"from coturnix, the japanese quail
is a bird with a stub of a tail.
though the scientist's tool
in the lab, which seems cruel,
it's well-nourished?not thin as a rail.
"
"from the cortex (adrenal) comes cortin,
an aqueous extract transportin'
our hormones, in legions,
to faraway regions
so cycles of stressfulness shorten.
"
"cortinarius: agaric thrills!
big cortinae and powdery gills
mark these wonderful fungi.
so taking the plunge, i
pick mushrooms all over these hills.
"
"the adrenals are glands that produce
nature's cortisol (athletes say ""juice"").
it can help to abate
inflammation?that's great,
but injecting too much is abuse.
"
"there are fish swimming off of our coast
making noise that we surf casters boast
is as loud as a drum
and invites us to come
snap 'em up. to corbinas, a toast!
"
"corymbiferous flowers have grand
inflorescences: flat-topped they stand.
the rowan and yarrow
afford both the sparrow
and bee level places to land.
"
"coryphaeus: the head of our chorus,
the leader who'll test and then score us,
the captain, the boss,
one of substance not gloss,
and our chief. (how i love my thesaurus!)
"
"he visits his buddies in dublin;
he's cosherin': chatty and bubblin'.
since they're buyin' him beers
left and right, it appears
no one's viewin' his spongin' as troublin'.
"
"cosmeticians say looks really matter,
and they push preparations that flatter.
so would vanishing cream
on my butt make it seem
any slimmer? (it can't get much fatter.)
"
"radiation that's cosmic pervades
all of space, and its presence persuades
many folks to infer
the big bang did occur,
for without it, the evidence fades.
"
"i'm given to cosmical thinking:
so vast in its scope, folks are blinking,
amazed how immense
and profound and intense
is the sense i can make?when i'm drinking.
"
"in the north, there were whigs who appeased
southern states, leaving slaveholders pleased.
cotton whig was a name
of contempt, not acclaim,
ten years later when sumter was seized.
"
"a lithograph courier thrives
in the business of brightening lives.
he's delivering prints
by nat currier, since
he enjoys seeing ives hung in dives.
"
"some mammals possess what is known
as the skeleton's cotyloid bone.
it's a part of the hip?
very small, near the tip
of the femur, and accident-prone.
"
"coulrophobic, the inpatient frowns
when he spots the buffoons making rounds.
from his bed, it appears
that his greatest of fears
has come true?someone's sent in the clowns!
"
"i sniffle and cough; i'm unwell.
no one notices?jeez, i could yell!
if i sneezed in distress
and i heard one ""god bless,""
that would be, like, a cold day in hell.
"
"a count palatine ruled a domain
and established the emperor's reign.
taking orders from rome,
he enforced them at home:
those who bucked him knew sorrow and pain.
"
"boone hall's a plantation that's nice,
but it surely exacted a price
from colonial slaves
working cradles to graves
growing indigo, cotton, and rice.
"
"writing limericks has made me ignore
all my friends: i'm depraved to the core?
so corrupt and debased
that my life is a waste,
and?oh wait, i've just written one more!
"
"my overweight hubby's a slouch,
getting bigger each day, that i'll vouch.
he likes pringles and lay's,
so i groan at, not praise,
the potato that grows on my couch.
"
"the blooms of the coughroot are shy;
under leaves, unobtrusive, they lie.
from this plant, a suppressant
will help make quiescent
those coughs that you thought wouldn't die.
"
"computer-based courseware is hot,
so it's used in the classroom a lot.
kids are plugging cds
into macs and pcs
(and they're seeing some sleaze they ought not).
"
"the embroiderer's thread for today
is a finely made silk cordonnet.
she'll repair the brocade
for the army brigade
who'll parade down the champs ?lys?es.
"
"there's a vent on the roof of the cell
that's been serving the prisoner well.
the summers are hot,
and its cover plate's not
been secured. if it were, 'twould be hell.
"
"courts of love: did they truly exist?
ladies meeting to rule on a tryst?
was her honor besmirched?
should the scoundrel be birched?
a poetic conceit. (case dismissed.)
"
"counterculturists: these are the folks
who won't laugh at conventional jokes.
they resist what's in vogue
and like playing the rogue,
just to see how much shock it evokes.
"
"i was nursing a beer at the pub
when a crapulous stranger said, ""bub,
howzabout you and me
drive in circles, then see
about joining the rotary club?""
"
"countercurrent refers to the flow
of materials: watch how they go
in dialysis, rushing
both ways as they're flushing
my kidneys to keep me from woe.
"
"the pickets who plan to protest
against management make me depressed,
so i'll counter their strike
with this sign: ""take a hike!""
(after donning a bulletproof vest).
"
"they told us to get off the strand,
where we'd set up our hamburger stand.
""we'll move when see
some official id!""
now we're ruing this counterdemand.
"
"young pavlov is working out well.
he's a butler who's sure to excel.
there's a lot to be learned,
so i'm not that concerned
that he drools when i ring on the bell.
"
"some people are tempted by greed;
they debase themselves sating each ""need.""
corruptibility's what
makes a virgin who's hot
(in the sexual sense) do the deed.
"
"the corruptionist's keen to defend
the inducements for leaders to bend?
making bribes, seeking favors,
exceptions, and waivers.
behavior this crooked must end!
"
"though the laws are designed to proscribe
the corruptive effects of a bribe,
meeting congressman ash
with this suitcase of cash,
i am getting a very good vibe.
"
"you've acted corruptly; the trust
that you'd nurtured has turned to disgust.
had they bribed you with bucks,
we could see it, but, shucks,
just a stripper? you did it for lust?
"
"we're married (i'm queenly, he's kingly),
and we do things both couply and singly.
when i told him that we
in nine months could be three?
and his eyes lit with glee?i got tingly.
"
"cortaderia grasses enthrall!
growing six to a dozen feet tall,
sporting panicles silky,
abundant, and milky,
the pampas grass passes them all.
"
"my cortical rhythm behaves,
with its basal electrical waves,
like a cortex that's firing
with musical wiring
acquired in the '80s?at raves.
"
"i've developed a corticate roughness,
a cover like bark, and a toughness
to thwart the attacks
of my foes?but relax.
there's a softie beneath all this gruffness.
"
"psychiatrists base many theses
on children?the young of our species.
i'm twee, so at two
(maybe three) i held poo,
being anal-retentive with feces.
"
"there are lichens that cling to the bark
of the oaks and the pines in the park.
this corticoline life
is especially rife
in the thick-wooded parts, where it's dark.
"
"these tropical, fall-blooming plants,
pretty cosmoses, hadn't a chance
to succeed way up north,
but they're now bursting forth
as the changes in climate advance.
"
"interbreeding occurs, as a rule,
within species, where genes tend to pool.
but when donkey and horse
(congeneric, of course)
get it on and bear young, it's a mule.
"
"cosmoramas provide us a view
of the world?a unique aper?u.
using mirrors and lenses
and lights, this one sends us,
by magic, to peaks in peru.
"
"the morgue, being stuck in a rut
without business, looks ripe to be shut,
when an influx of stiffs
puts a stop to the rifs,
thus assuring no coroner's cut.
"
"cosmozoism posits a world
filled with  animate seeds being hurled
through the universe, seeking
out planets and freaking
out folks when they've finally unfurled.
"
"""we'll have larva tonight en brochette
at corroboree,"" offered paulette.
""there's a thinly sliced strip
that's my favorite chip:
aboriginal cossid cossette.""
"
"aborigines love their corroboree,
engaging in festive hobnobbery.
there's singing and dancing
all night (some romancing),
but little dissension or snobbery.
"
"a cossid rode up to a pub
in bombay, bringing news of a grub?
so delicious a treat
many aussies would eat
cossid stew and give sirloin the snub.
"
"anthranilic, this acid is swell;
it's in perfumes and pigments we sell.
and it boosts the morale
of the breastfeeding gal.
(in lactation, it's vitamin l.)
"
"my cost clerk's the guy who computes
how much money i spend making boots.
given prices for  glue
and for leather, his view
is i oughta be switching to suits.
"
"costata's an order of toads
(taxonomic, not food); there are loads
of amphibians in it,
but fewer each minute,
as millions get squashed on our roads.
"
"coediting isn't much fun
when your peers number fifty-and-one.
some redactors are strict,
picking nits, and get ticked
seeing ""stet"" next to edits they've done.
"
"the codling moth's larvae eat pears
and kill apples and quinces. who cares?
well, the codling fish do!
they've been blamed for it, too,
since the moth has the same name as theirs.
"
"a codling's a kind of a fish
and an apple you find in a dish.
it's a cute little hake
and a fruit that we bake.
goodness sake, for what more can you wish?
"
"at the costard i've not had a look.
it's an apple, quite large, which we cook,
and it's oval and ribbed
(say these notes that i cribbed
from my grocer's new recipe book).
"
"cost-of-living adjustments are fine,
keeping pensioners' income in line
with inflation in prices.
each cola suffices
to let me trade cola for wine.
"
"many cost factors go in the mix?
raw material (mortar and bricks),
direct labor, and all?
for the city's new mall,
but they've left out the booze and the chicks!
"
"costumbristas write regional tales
that depict both the joys and travails
of the people they've known.
local customs are shown
and enrich these latino portrayals.
"
"many freshwater catfish and dace
get costiasis (having to face
protozoans invading
their skin and then fading
away), but not saltwater plaice.
"
"cost-effectiveness means when you weigh
what you spend (that's the price that you pay)
against all that you earn,
you might finally learn
you have money to burn?and can play.
"
"this document's countersigned?one
where the witness confirms, once he's done
with affixing his name,
that the first signer's claim
is authentic. (now holster that gun.)
"
"when two elements meet as a pair,
it's each other's electrons they share.
when an atom combines,
its covalence defines
what it brings to this sordid affair.
"
"catoptromancy: gaze in the glass
to divine what is coming to pass.
if you notice a crack,
turn around, check in back.
does it mirror the one in your ass?
"
"the officer's calling the roll,
while the deputy's checking his scroll.
that's the duplicate list
to ensure no one's missed
when we're counting the cons in the hole.
"
"when i see, i use actual eyes.
when i fib, i tell actual lies.
now i ought to reveal
for a thought to be real,
it is then that i actualize.
"
"a counterspy catches a mole
who was planted way deep in a hole
of a government group,
passing classified poop
to our foes, and beyond our control.
"
"two noddies approach in the blue,
then intense acrobatics ensue.
this form of cavorting
is ritual courting:
how terns of endearment pitch woo.
"
"a cornetist at carnegie hall
blows a note?it's the loudest of all.
his vigor and verve
show intestinal nerve
by bespeaking a clarion gall.
"
"though the stalks of a corymb arise
high and low, where they stop's a surprise.
they'll attain the same height
in a flat-topped and bright
inflorescence, delighting the eyes.
"
"to most women, i'm tr?s debonair,
and i court with unqualified flair.
very few won't undress,
so it's seldom i press.
categoric refusal is rare.
"
"the contrabassoonist was lax,
and the sax player missed a few tracks,
but the very worst tone
came from notes that were blown
by the oboist?stridulous couacs.
"
"this embroidery styling is couching,
and you'll learn it today without grouching.
your designs will be made
after threads have been laid
and then fastened by stitches?no slouching!
"
"this american tropical tree
bears a fruit that's as sweet as can be.
it's the sorva, or couma?
and one, i assume, a
brazilian boy shimmies with glee.
"
"he's a creep with a high, whiny voice,
but he's driving a classic rolls-royce.
i'm a baritone bloke,
and i'm handsome?but broke.
can you guess who's the gold digger's choice?
"
"corroboration is what it'll take
if i'm gonna be catchin' a break.
so your story is this:
say to mom it was sis,
and not me, you saw eating the cake.
"
"my brain's showing signs of senility.
something's gnawed at my mental agility.
time is eating away
my intelligence?hey,
i'm defining my mind's disability!
"
"beware of corrodible metal,
which is prone to the poorest of fettle.
since it's likely to rust,
even crumble to dust,
i'll be tinning this trusty old kettle.
"
"when the lord is on circuit, he'll stay
with his vassals?he won't have to pay.
under corody, quarters
are free, but our daughters
are strictly off limits, okay?
"
"my frau has a brow that is wrinkled;
from worry, her forehead is crinkled.
its corrugant power
reflects how, each hour
that passes, she still hasn't tinkled.
"
"""when we corrugate iron, its load
is much greater,"" the steelworker crowed.
""those hollows and ridges
help strengthen our bridges.""
that's true, but the stuff can corrode.
"
"pro-lifers each winter protest
roe v. wade?its reversal's their quest.
though that heralds back-alley
abortions, the rally
that counters them hasn't impressed.
"
"in the old days, as now, ""yes, you can""
meant ""you're able"" for woman or man.
what is now understood
as the past tense, ""you could,""
was ""thou couldst"" when old spinning wheels span.
"
"country rock (a.k.a. rockabilly)
has its roots in a land that was hilly.
there were backwoods guitars
playing rhythms in bars,
with performers named jerry and willie.
"
"for a balance of power, a force
needs a push from an opposite source.
i'll counter your stone
in this fight with my own,
which will leave us with equal remorse.
"
"an instance that counters a theory
makes many a scientist teary.
when data undo
a hypothesis, few
can resist getting instantly beery.
"
"i'm accustomed to working with stealth,
because secrecy safeguards my wealth.
i'm closemouthed, reserved,
and in public unnerved,
so my covertness bolsters my health.
"
"the question you posed has me blinking;
i'm wondering what you've been thinking.
oh, wait, that's a flask!
so to answer, i'll ask
in return, ""what the hell are you drinking?""
"
"you're in for a hell of a battle,
but a winner don't quit or skedaddle.
keep ridin' her hard?
if you're thrown and get jarred,
cowboy up and get back in the saddle.
"
"let's face it, we're broad in our beams,
from those burgers and caramel creams.
so our butts do look big,
in the pants that we dig,
which are coming apart at the seams!
"
"maraschinos and oxhearts will be,
with morellos, what's best, i agree,
as the fruit we'll pur?e
into sauce here today
for a tastier cherry coulis.
"
"said a fashion designer from france,
""i shall give these synthetics a chance.""
now his closet is full
not of cotton or wool,
but of acrilan sweaters and pants.
"
"it's a manor surrounded by grounds,
or the space that a quadrangle bounds.
it's an alley that's wide,
off a street, where inside
felons hide from police making rounds.
"
"world opinion's in court. all arise!
it's an agent of judgment?a wise,
metaphorical call
seeking justice for all
by condemning the government's lies.
"
"betulaceae: trees like the birches
and hornbeams give shade to our churches.
their blooms are both sexes
(a fact that perplexes);
their branches make avian perches.
"
"a cambodian, lost and astray,
was discovered near ruins one day.
this khmer then opined,
""if you're trying to find
some enlightenment, angkor's a way.""
"
"corticiferous tissue is bark:
what envelops the tree in the park.
its exterior layer
entices my sprayer,
a pooch, into making his mark.
"
"for the typical basketball star,
the recruiters arrive from afar.
universities court
high school athletes who sport
cs and ds on report cards. bizarre!
"
"many avian males like to court
in extended displays: they cavort,
swoop and soar all around,
bob and strut on the ground?
but the actual mating is short.
"
"cosignatories pick up their pens
and endorse a new pact, which amends
the agreement they signed
just last year, which refined
the first contract they'd inked to be friends.
"
"a cosmeticized lady is ""painted,""
an adjective hinting of ""tainted.""
i dated one looker:
my mother mistook her
for being a hooker and fainted.
"
"coseismal lines show where the shocks
from a quake were in phase, and the knocks
were of similar size.
for the richter-scale guys,
such a seismic event really rocks!
"
"it's a small piece of luggage?a case
for cosmetics you put on your face.
take a break from the rush,
grab your lipstick and blush,
pretty up, and get back in the race.
"
"the lord's at their table, and eats
with the tenants, enjoying the treats.
this is coshery?tense,
since who foots the expense?
the dependents who furnish the seats.
"
"in ireland, the cosherer's given
to mooch and not work for a livin'.
paddy's starting to vex
'cause he blithely expects
(never owning a  car) to be driven.
"
"the dentistry known as cosmetic
makes smiles, once self-conscious, magnetic.
my teeth were decayed,
so i prayed, then hoorayed
when they made me this set?they're synthetic.
"
"some surgery known as cosmetic
is rightly considered pathetic,
like women with cs
who elect double-ds
in a quest for a higher?aesthetic.
"
"the surgeon who did my cosmetic
procedure was much too frenetic.
my nose job and tuck
went bizarrely amok.
now my tummy and schnozz are prosthetic.
"
"cosmeceutical products are blends,
both cosmetics and drugs, with two ends.
here's an acne concealer
that's also a healer:
apply and your pizza face mends!
"
"a bony material's found
in the scales of some fish that abound.
there is cosmine in gar;
you don't have to look far
to find others (like sturgeon) around.
"
"i'm cosmically challenged: a man
who's a fan of the limited plan.
my attention span's short;
thinking small is my forte.
still i'm working as vast as i can.
"
"with corruptness, you're simply corrupt.
with corruptedness, someone has upped
an inducement so high
that you cave and comply.
either way, you've been morally whupped.
"
"i'm corseting women in ways
that involve both elastic and stays.
i tighten and pinch
to reduce every inch
of their waists?it's a cinch to get praise.
"
"the corsac's a bushy-tailed fox
that some afghans consider a pox.
it's a yellowish-brown,
vulpine predator down
from the hills after biddies and cocks.
"
"angelinos who angle might snare
a scorpaenid, the local corsair.
though it sounds like a boat
or a pirate of note,
it's a rockfish?fine restaurant fare.
"
"the flowering corsican mint
is a creeper: this plant doesn't sprint.
it grows low to the ground,
purple blossoms abound,
and it ends with a flavoring stint.
"
"this medicinal plaster is rich
in a substance called burgundy pitch,
which the chemist refines
using resin from pines,
and the doctor applies to your itch.
"
"a corslet's protecting the trunk
of a teetering, heavy-legged lunk.
with a backpiece behind
and a breastplate, he'll find
wearing armor's no fun?for a drunk.
"
"cosmic rays strike the earth day and night,
and at speeds which approach that of light.
when these particles, flitting
through space, wind up hitting
our atmosphere, mesons take flight.
"
"in corsetry, making brassieres
and bustiers, are the top corsetieres.
with those girdles that shrink
women's waists, one would think
gals are nothing but bosoms and rears!
"
"from  all tightness my waist shall be free:
no more girdles or cinctures for me!
without bodices sheathing
my torso, i'm breathing?
and bursting with corsetless glee!
"
"if you're giving the queen your report,
make your comments respectfully short.
when you're finished, don't clown
with her scepter or crown,
since that hints at contempt for her court.
"
"if you're called to the throne, here's the thing:
bring a gift, bow your head, kiss his ring.
if he fancies a night
with your wife, that's his right.
be polite paying court to the king.
"
"a monarch who reigns in our land
has a yardstick he keeps near at hand.
he employs it to measure
what things give him pleasure.
(this shows how corulers command.)
"
"new york is where cortlandtite's found,
a peridotite ore from the ground.
it's an igneous rock
they're now keeping in stock
at my jeweler's on long island sound.
"
"from new york comes the cortland, a fruit
that's a mcintosh cross, and a beaut.
it's an apple, bright red,
with white flesh that is said
to make pie lovers stand and salute.
"
"the new mizzen we added is set,
but i think that's the best it'll get.
however we rig it,
our ship's not a frigate?
so frig it, we sail a corvette.
"
"being shaped like a crow ain't enough
for the corviform raven and chough.
they're refusing to play
with the magpie and jay
just to show to the crow that they're tough.
"
"the aquarium's tank is kept clean
by a catfish's daily routine.
on the bottom he feeds;
this  corydora needs
little help?he's a vacuum machine.
"
"though the pasta palermo's divine,
i've a mind not to drink any wine.
but it's corvo and sold
by sicilians, i'm told,
so when offered, one shouldn't decline.
"
"the corynomorpha are known
to lead lives in the ocean alone.
hydrozoans, some swim
around corals that brim
with their kin, yet remain on their own.
"
"she's a costal creation who's glib,
telling adam (the bonehead) a fib:
""it's an apple, my love,
sent from heaven above.""
and he bites on it! oy, what a rib!
"
"i've a ligament tear, i can tell,
and a rib separation, as well.
my collarbone's cracked,
and there's cartilage wracked:
i'm in costoclavicular hell!
"
"made of metal and plastic and glass,
costume jewelry is lacking the class
that the real stuff possesses,
but still it impresses
most lads (notes the practical lass).
"
"by their oaths, the coswearers are bound;
both are steadfastly standing their ground:
""the defendant did not
kill the victim?he shot
someone else on the day that she drowned.""
"
"there's costusroot oil in sachets,
in perfumes, in colognes, and in sprays.
the fragrances here,
from an herb in kashmir,
garner praise for their lovely bouquets.
"
"an angry, medieval-dressed claimant
demands from her seamstress repayment.
she's having a snit
since her cotehardie's fit
shows too much?it's a form-hugging raiment.
"
"contemporaries live or exist
at coincident times and consist,
say, of darwin, roget,
garibaldi,  manet,
queen victoria, lincoln, and liszt.
"
"would the saints, or cotitulars, named
by a church as joint patrons be blamed
by parishioners all
if the steeple should fall,
or would satan's involvement be claimed?
"
"it's an orangey yellow, or might
be a yellowish brown, rather light;
and though cotrine's more red
than spruce yellow, it's said
that the difference between them is slight.
"
"put the blade that you once used to mow
on an l-bar of iron, then go
get a handle of wood:
make a council tool?good
in the field as a rake and a hoe.
"
"the coulomb's a unit of measure
of charge bringing physicists pleasure.
it's electric to study
a metric, good buddy,
like this one at work and at leisure.
"
"cosmological constant: a term
that astronomers use to affirm
just how quickly the world
has expanded and hurled
into space?not how curled is my perm.
"
"tiny particles floating in space,
cosmic dust is all over the place.
there's clearly enough
of this nebulous stuff:
it's obscuring the milky way's face!
"
"cosmochemical studies are fun;
we have samples from planets to run.
so what things entertain us
in gas from uranus?
heavy methane, i'm guessing, is one.
"
"the cosmist john fiske once opined
on the way that the world is designed:
not just theism's true?
evolution is, too,
and its highest achievement? the mind.
"
"cosmochemists take samples from space,
like this moon dust, and study each trace.
what if one of us sees
that it's made of green cheese?
i have crackers on hand, just in case.
"
"cosmogenesis?science or art?
how the hell did the universe start?
was it flying spaghetti,
the lord at the ready,
or nature's primordial fart?
"
"cosmo graphic? i'd say so, in light
of the front-cover headlines they write.
(twenty tips for great sex!
make your dates triple-x!)
they're designed to provoke and excite.
"
"""this all came to be,"" said the greek,
""when a force formed the world?a unique,
cosmoplastic first cause
born of natural laws?
and not god."" (the creationists freak.)
"
"""this world will continue forever,""
said god, working fulcrum and lever.
the job he'd begun,
making earth, stars, and sun,
was a cosmopoietic endeavor.
"
"this goddess's priests like to prance
in a wild and emotional dance.
they're intense,  corybantic,
frenetic, and frantic?
with cybele's ants in their pants.
"
"i bequeath all my poems to my son?
each approved and still tentative one.
he can do as he cares
with my oeuvre?now my heir's
designation is over and done.
"
"wisconsin in winter is nice,
so for fishermen, here's my advice:
go chillax in a hut
after making a cut
through a seven-inch layer of ice.
"
"the cattle were tested, then scoured
in strong disinfectant and showered
with antibiotics
to calm one neurotic's
concerns. (he's their tender, the cowherd.)
"
"coryphaei are leaders of parties,
assemblies, and clusters of smarties.
our captain is one,
and we're in for some fun
'cause he's passing out rum to us hearties.
"
"a coryzal disorder now sickens
my flock?they have mucus that thickens.
i prepare turkey soup
to get rid of their roup,
but the chickens complain like the dickens.
"
"the screenplay was written in tandem,
with dialogue lines that seemed random.
coscenarists like these
weren't the type that could please,
so we read the first act and then canned 'em.
"
"from the ancient greek island of cos
comes the name of this lettuce i toss.
and the salad i chose
is a caesar's, which goes
with your entr?e?and shows you who's boss.
"
"there are diatoms floating around
in the seas, and their numbers astound.
with plankton-like features,
these minuscule creatures
(from  coscinodiscus) abound.
"
"a cosaque is a cracker that pops.
little favors like this one are tops.
grab the ends, give a pull!
yes, the party room's full
of these kid-pleasing, noisemaking  props.
"
"cosession's a doctrine that's grand,
placing christ at the father's right hand.
while enthroned on ascension,
he has the intention
to come here again and command.
"
"corroborators wanted! i'll pay
any witnesses willing to say
i was with them, all right,
and did not leave their sight
on the night that i robbed the caf?.
"
"occam's razor says science behaves
with economy, therefore it craves
explanations so simple
there's nary a pimple?
preferring the cleanest of shaves.
"
"say goodbye to eternal salvation!
we're embracing profound degradation!
as we glamorize sex,
its destructive effects
will corrosively ruin our nation!
"
"your corrosive opinions have bite,
and it's clear that you're driven by spite.
being  mordant, abrupt,
and acerbic, you've upped
the rhetorical ante a mite.
"
"a sun bear is nibbling on grubs
out of sight past the flowering shrubs
(corylopsis, the genus)
that thankfully screen us:
we're tagging her somnolent cubs.
"
"a boiler may well be unsound
if corrosional grooving is found.
is this wearing away
far too much? i can't say,
but i noticed that steamfitter frowned.
"
"the material scientists' league
has been weakened by constant intrigue,
slowly eating away
at goodwill, which today
may succumb to corrosion fatigue.
"
"the corypha genus is small,
but its fan palms are typically tall.
once these plants bear their fruit,
it's the end of the route,
since they die (and eventually fall).
"
"my name has been dragged through the mud,
since my daddy, the duke, was a dud:
his conviction for treason
remains as the reason
i suffer corruption of blood.
"
"my cowl muscles, under attack,
are disfigured and way out of whack.
a triangular pair
near my shoulders, they're where
i've been patting myself on the back.
"
"it's a cross, to which highlanders pray,
or an off-the-coast isle (en fran?ais).
'twas a stiff (as in dead)
to will shakespeare, it's said?
also ""barter,""  of corse, in his day.
"
"my pooch found a box in the park,
raised the lid, and then started to bark.
the container was lead.
(""cobalt 60"" it read.)
to my dread, he now glows in the dark.
"
"with no shred of compassion, he's juggling
the souls in his truck as they're struggling?
for air and their lives.
to el norte he drives,
this coyote who's expert at smuggling.
"
"his coveralls signal a farmer.
they're denim and serve him like armor,
collecting the mud
and the dust and the crud
(every one a habiliment-harmer).
"
"i'm learning the art of rappel,
but it's hard, and i'm feeling unwell.
since my muscles are failing,
i'm thinking of bailing.
my stomach's in abseiling hell.
"
"cost accounting's a way to keep track
of the outlays in ventures you back.
systematic recording
of spending's rewarding:
i've gone from the red to the black!
"
"a woody leguminous vine
in the tropics may look like it's fine,
but its pods with barbed hairs
catch a man unawares?
make him itch and call cowitch malign.
"
"from finnish precambrian rocks
comes a globular object that shocks:
it's a life-form, unknown.
was corycium flown
here to earth long before there were clocks?
"
"corundafelite: man, what an ore!
there's magnesium down at its core,
some aluminum, too
(in a silicate, true,
of hydroxyl), and iron galore.
"
"the cox on the boat from our ship
is arthritic, with pain in his hip.
he's steering the craft
and complaining?it's daft
that coxitis is spoiling the trip.
"
"arteriography helps to explain
any clot that is causing you pain.
with a radiopaque
kind of dye that they make,
docs use x-rays to study your brain.
"
"our counterseals serve to confirm
the source of this sample of sperm.
i'm affixing my stamp
next to yours, and the scamp
who released it may still come to squirm.
"
"i'm filing a countercomplaint,
which i hope will dispose of the taint
now attached to my name
by his slander: the claim
that i'm not, in all matters, a saint.
"
"my cosmetic procedure began
in a clinic outside of spokane.
though i saved a few bucks
on the eyelift and tucks,
i awoke as an ear-sighted man.
"
"at a party i started to crash
when i caught someone swiping my cash.
then this dude that i blamed
beat me up?i'm ashamed
and abashed i was bashed at a bash.
"
"i'm abashed and embarrassed and rattled;
here's what sis said to dad when she tattled:
""he put poop in a bag
on a stoop as a gag,
lit a match, rang the bell, and skedaddled.""
"
"just a klutz, as inept as they come,
i have legs now atremble and numb.
this abasic condition
has ruined my mission?
to prove i can walk and chew gum.
"
"this topology concept's obscure.
many math geeks don't know it, i'm sure.
but with surfaces, riemann,
and crosscuts, i seem on
the way now to grasping coupure.
"
"the cottony-cushion scale's found
in floridian groves, all around.
mothers cling, fathers fly;
young'uns suck lemons dry
of their juice?man, these suckers abound!
"
"since he coruscates speeches with flashes
of insight and wit, and with splashes
of verbal resplendence,
too few in attendance
take note of how fake his mustache is.
"
"coscripting a screenplay works well
when the writers have interests that jell.
i'm a guy who likes guns;
she's a pistol with puns.
here's our shooting script: colt day in hell.
"
"there's a path in the brain of this feller
that's  corticopontocerebellar.
as it runs through his pons
from one cortex and bonds
to another, he picks at his smeller.
"
"the courtesy light in my car
is so dim i can't see my cigar.
though toyotas are dreams,
their coronas, it seems,
are so dark they should say ""no fumar.""
"
"across from the sun in the sky,
there's a counterglow, faint to the eye.
it's backscattered light
(due to space dust) at night,
when it's dark and the weather is dry.
"
"my choragic position requires
that i mentor the choir's new hires.
the consummate leader
will cheer the succeeder
and comfort the failer he fires.
"
"in those snl comedy scenes,
we saw acrocephalic routines,
where the coneheads, from space,
seemed a bit out of place
with their two-foot-tall, missile-shaped beans.
"
"a booklouse was chewing his way
through my julius caesar one day.
his dramatic repast,
page by page, went so fast
that by noon he ate ""et tu, brute?""
"
"courtelle is a fabric that's full
of acrylic but looks like it's wool.
it's resistant to staining
and crushing, remaining
a yarn with significant pull.
"
"the defendant was clearly abusive.
the evidence proved quite conclusive.
with his covinous plot,
he deserves what he got.
he's deceitful, corrupt, and collusive.
"
"a corsepresent's sent to the priest,
from the goods of my sis, the deceased.
she was never his fan,
so he'll get the divan
that's adorned with the mark of the beast.
"
"increasing efficiency? done.
improving economy? won.
each cost control measure
i take makes more treasure
for leisure and pleasure and fun.
"
"some cosmogonists think that they see
how the world got its start and decree:
at a moment in time
without reason or rhyme,
a big bang's how it all came to be.
"
"when a monarch's inclined to disport
and his royal attendants cavort,
does it tarnish the crown
that it's worn by a clown?
meet the comedy king and his court!
"
"that cowboy-turned-slicker's a bore, tex.
he's switched from blue denim to gore-tex.
all that matter once gray
has been lost to decay,
and his brain's just a cover, his cortex.
"
"an intense theologian named barth
thought of god in the hush of a garth?
this cortile, he'd say,
gave him comfort by day
so at night he could pray by the hearth.
"
"corti's ganglion sits in the ear.
it's a bundle of nerves, so i hear,
that is crucial to sense
when a sound's too intense.
could you turn down the volume there, dear!?
"
"in a rectangle, athletes cavort
with a ball and a net in a sport.
they might battle on clay
or on wood as they  play
on a tennis or basketball court.
"
"when the twelve-member jury returned,
the defendant and lawyers then learned
jurors had to acquit
since the glove didn't fit.
said judge ito, ""this court is adjourned!""
"
"a prof made a radical pass
at a lass in his chemistry class:
""that hydroxyl design
and the acid are mine.
so's your acyl?don't mean to be crass.""
"
"they strut on parade, every torso
bedecked like the last?only more so.
it's a festive procession
that gives the impression
most romans get off on the corso.
"
"there are times when your couriers dally,
or get lost with their bags in an alley.
we sent one of our clerks
toting gems to the turks?
last we heard he was basking in bali.
"
"cosse green has a fair bit of yellow
(in comparison, parrot green's mellow).
it's said to be duller
than viridine?color
me green; pass the lemon-lime jell-o!
"
"in a factory, cost center means
a department or group of machines
viewed as cost-factor units
and used to fine-tune its
production of autos or jeans.
"
"analysis studies and deals
with the limits and functions of reals.
it's a calculus class
that the nerdos all pass,
but is murder on normal schlemiels.
"
"universal concerns are the name
of the cosmopolitical game:
global warming, iraq,
starving children, alack!
(for each one, the u.s. is to blame.)
"
"as they work at the counter, i munch
on a burger with coffee for lunch.
these persons on duty
are friendly, not snooty?
a diligent, regular bunch.
"
"propositions in math that you prove
by analysis mean you must move
from assuming, as true,
the result right on through
to a statement that's valid. you groove!
"
"i'll be stopping analysis soon
'cause my therapist (what a buffoon!)
dissed my paddington bear,
dr. dentons i wear,
and the fact i still eat with a spoon.
"
"since a complex has multiple parts,
its analysis typically starts
by inspecting relations
between them. summation's
a bear?for the people with smarts.
"
"""that's balderdash, bunkum, and crap!""
i exclaim to that blathering chap
spouting nonsense and bosh,
as we finish our nosh
and prepare for our mid-morning nap.
"
"in havana, it's ten to a tent:
sleep and mess with no room for dissent.
so at camp, every cuban'll
swear that contubernal
living is time that's well-spent.
"
"cotenants reside in a flat,
or a house, or a room in a frat.
together they rent,
lease, or own?they're content
sharing space and one welcoming mat.
"
"after adding moet & chandon
to my stock for the fish, court bouillon,
the mushrooms i pick
(champignons) give it kick.
i'm a poacher: le roi des poissons!
"
"in the embryo sac of a plant,
the aleurone doesn't enchant.
it's the granular stuff
that makes endosperm tough.
i'd tell you some more, but i can't.
"
"to shakespeare, adust meant that one
was a little bit red from the sun.
now when something's adust,
it is burnt, like the crust
of a pizza that's waay overdone.
"
"my advisor gives counsel to me,
so in turn, i'm this guy's advisee.
he apprises and warns,
""take the bull by the horns.""
at least on the bull we agree.
"
"the wood of the courbaril's hard,
so this locust tree's held in regard
by caribbean skippers
who captain the clippers
that slip from the shipbuilding yard.
"
"the devil is near: i can tell
by the sulfur-and-anthracite smell.
i'm working a seam
of bitumen and deem
this a typical coal day in hell.
"
"for salads, one drunk bangladeshi
likes his herbs aromatic and fleshy.
country borage and beer,
his ingredients here,
mean his kitchen is gonna get meshy.
"
"one councilor's fanciful notion
is causing a bit of commotion.
he's proposing the city
break into its kitty
and buy all the fish in the ocean.
"
"an agent employed by the county
helps folks with a cow or a mount. he
assists with the farming,
preventing them harming
the land, so each crop is a bounty.
"
"courts of claims give a person redress
against government greed and excess.
if the state takes your land,
you should sue and demand
that they pay what it's worth?nothing less.
"
"from the line to the net i cavort
on the clay, playing tennis?my sport.
i scramble and serve
with such power and nerve
that i'm busting all balls on this court.
"
"in a tug-off, participants cope
with exertion; they hope against hope
that their effort succeeds
as a counter and leads
to their foes getting dragged by the rope.
"
"the composer fran?ois couperin
was an organist, harpsichord fan,
chamber music arranger,
and surely a stranger
to works by rodin and chopin.
"
"in theory, a solid has mass
that, when shrunk to a point, can still pass
equilibrium tests,
since the body now rests
at its center?ain't physics a gas?
"
"he's dignified, polished, polite,
and so courtlike at courtside tonight.
as the knicks call it quits
in the game, he just sits
with a bag on his head?what a sight!
"
"a court of first instance will deal
with a case at the start?take the wheel.
if a pleading falls short,
there's judicial resort:
take your case to a court of appeal.
"
"you need milk in brazil? listen how:
cut the bark on this tree and . . . like, wow!
all brazilians agree,
with the milk flowing free,
no one needs to be buying a cow.
"
"my shoulders are rounded?they're courb.
that's an adjective, also a verb,
which i happen to know
means ""to bend"" or ""to bow.""
wow, my webster's is simply superb!
"
"the astronomer pointed it high,
and the cosmolabe served as his eye,
providing assistance:
it measured the distance
'tween clusters of stars in the sky.
"
"my onerous daily corv?e
is a source of unease and dismay.
in addition to eating
and bathing, i'm beating
my brains out on limericks all day.
"
"the bogong's a moth and a pest
putting aussies today to the test.
it's invaded in swarms
matching biblical norms,
so that eating the bug might be best.
"
"for a tenor with very high range,
prefix counter and notice the change?
not the word, but the voice.
hear it rise and rejoice.
he's an alto (which many find strange).
"
"we had cosponsors rescue our show
after money for writers ran low.
first a michelob ad,
then another from madd,
brought ironic infusions of dough.
"
"a couple of tunes intertwine,
and the primary melody's mine.
playing counter to me,
you're as deft as can be,
so the harmony's simply divine.
"
"a countably infinite set
is as simple as things like this get.
just start counting at 1,
then continue?it's fun!
i'll check back when you're done, so don't sweat.
"
"a number of objects (that's two);
a wedding pair saying ""i do"";
equal, opposite forces;
yoked oxen or horses:
four meanings of couple on view.
"
"course catalogs over at state
feature arguing 10 (not debate).
classic films is a major.
so's hunting, i'd wager,
and finding a cousin to date.
"
"in kinshasa, a dealer is selling
a tea blend from china and telling
his customers, ""rose is
the scent that your noses
detect?it's my congou you're smelling.""
"
"transduction's a process in genes.
cotransduction is, too, but it means
that two markers are packed
in a virus?in fact,
you might say they're genetic sardines.
"
"evolution, your theory, is true?
killing babies in wombs works for you?
you're pro-animal-rights?
say the gun owner bites?
you're a blue state elitist, that's who!
"
"a reverent indian chap
is itching so bad he can't nap.
his guru comes in,
takes one look at his skin,
and exclaims to him, ""holy courap!""
"
"kim il jong likes to corset dissenters?
have his henchmen become their tormentors.
he'll tighten the screws
on these folks till they ""choose""
to relent and be public repenters.
"
"a clip joint's the kind of a club
that claims to serve great booze and grub.
but you're sure to get gypped
(that's the meaning of clipped)
when they hand you the bill?there's the rub.
"
"the baron's out walking one morn,
when he falls and a muscle gets torn.
his countryseat's far,
so he calls for his car
and chauffeur: to the manor he's borne.
"
"a couturi?re's expert in dress
pour la femme and should be a success
if, like coco chanel,
she's both chic and can sell
at her shows high-class clothes that impress.
"
"your corroborative statements support,
and in no way contest or distort,
what i told the d.a.:
i was home on that day.
don't you cave, if you're challenged in court!
"
"for washington's borders, one looks
at d.c. on the maps inside books.
these coterminous regions
are home to the legions
of panderers, hucksters, and crooks.
"
"try a  corte in tango today,
dipping back for a beat to delay
an impatient  advance
down the line of the dance
into couples who get in your way.
"
"your kin, quite remote, in vermont;
a child of your uncle or aunt;
your cultural kith
who subscribe to your myth.
your colleague or close confidante.
"
"the stars will be shining in here
when the officers start to appear.
air chief marshal? he leads.
air vice-marshal proceeds,
and air commodore brings up the rear.
"
"in the air force in britain the rank
of a top-graded officer sank.
the air marshal fell twice,
from a chief to a vice.
to be frank, he's one blankety-blank.
"
"on honshu, a bearded young ainu
waved ""hi,"" as he paddled his kay-noe.
i asked, when we met
at an ev'ning quintet,
""are you the same ainu whom i knew?""
"
"michael vick's in the news every night,
and he's copping a plea as i write.
it's a scandal, i guess,
but i couldn't care less
'cause i don't have a dog in this fight.
"
"here's some water i'll alkalify
(make a base) in the lab, on the fly:
add potassium to it
(a little should do it).
spit. hiss! it's converted to lye!
"
"a coursey's a way, like an alley,
that runs fore and aft in a galley.
here's a trireme with seamen
who walk on it screamin'
at slaves chained to oars not to dally.
"
"a cover-shame serves to disguise
her disgrace from inquisitive eyes.
by swallowing savin,
this girl won't be havin'
no questions 'bout growin' in size.
"
"the judge turns you down, and it feels
like you've gotten the rawest of deals.
if what sticks in your craw
is an error of law,
take your case to the court of appeals.
"
"get in line, at attention, you men.
call your numbers from one up to ten.
let me hear you all roar
left to right as before.
now count off loud and clear once again!
"
"coruminaca: a people and tongue
paraguayan and clearly unsung,
since from google today,
just the facts on display
 at the start of this verse can be wrung.
"
"""so you're the one casting accounts,""
notes the boss, as his animus mounts.
""keeping books is your game?
tell me why, in the name
of the devil, the checks i write bounce!""
"
"it's a gray-colored compound, not red,
made of bismuth and sulfur and lead.
all the cosalite found
i've dug up from the ground.
(i'm a rockhound; what more can be said?)
"
"south dakota's a state where the hare
on a tear is coyote-aware.
it is home to the sioux
(other indians, too),
and its capital? don't say ""pee-air!""
"
"the gar?on brings a sweet vin d'alsace
with the bill at caf? montparnasse.
""what a cool coup de grah!""
you exclaim?a faux pas
in pronouncing the phrase coup de gr?ce.
"
"a coupler links cars on a train
or makes keys on an organ a twain.
it's a helpful device
because couplement's nice.
(ask a pair, like a lass and her swain.)
"
"a canadian sculptor from guelph
keeps a funeral bust on his shelf.
his own visage in clay's
premature?it portrays
how he's gotten ahead of himself.
"
"""the court order didn't restrain
my ex-husband, your honor,"" said jane.
""he made threats on my life,
then he pulled out a knife,
so i just put a slug in his brain.""
"
"the cola tree's chestnut-sized seed
has caffeine, just the kicker i need.
drinking coke through the day,
i'm excited to say
i'm a cola nut, too?overkeyed!
"
"there's a sudden attack using force
in a war, and the world changes course.
we defeated japan
in a grand coup de main:
with resolve and, for many, remorse.
"
"show respect for the countryside, sir.
do no harm to the laurel and fir.
keep your car on the road,
mind the rabbit and toad.
these are country code rules de rigueur.
"
"cosmopolitan justice is great:
punish felons, regardless of state.
why should citizenship
let these criminals slip
over borders to chad or kuwait?
"
"the choragus who's leading our choir?
no tenor can sing any higher!
he'll go mano a mano
with any soprano
for notes that both soar and inspire.
"
"at a bbq joint with my sibs,
when the pork comes, i'm first to claim dibs.
hold the sausage and chicken;
sliced beef i ain't pickin':
i'm costate (which means ""having ribs"").
"
"in the cow pen, the skittery mazie's
afraid of the bse crazies.
she pulls at the flowers
for hours and cowers,
'cause soon she'll be pushing up daisies.
"
"there's a monster who's made of spaghetti,
controls us, and flies: that's the heady,
chimerical pith
of a countering myth
to the lord?both as wacky as yeti.
"
"california's where sycamores spread,
stretching branches and leaves overhead.
they've been shedding their bark
and green flowers, which mark
all the banks of the streams where i tread.
"
"countermovements arise in response
to a fad, with no grand renaissance
of a fashion on view.
they just counter what's new,
like those hairdos that followed bouffants.
"
"abegg's rule deals with chemical valence,
which explains why it's had no assailants
to put it in verse.
i'll do better, not worse,
once i find the right kind of inhalants.
"
"at home on the range and astraddle,
a cowman's a rancher with cattle.
he lopes on his pony,
steers steers while alone: he
loves life on his own in the saddle.
"
"""hyperbolic, these cotangents rule!""
says a cute little classmate at school.
though at math i'm a sloth,
she gets off writing coth,
so i'm figuring trig'll be cool.
"
"for dissolving pyroxylin, rick's
got an ether-and-alcohol mix.
it's cosolvents he'll need,
in this case, to succeed?
he's a master of chemical tricks.
"
"in the army, an officer's liable
for breaches that may not be triable.
courts of honor could rule
that a death in a duel
is, by custom and law, justifiable.
"
"""an ampulla of vino?"" ""no way!""
""an arabian horse?"" ""that's a nay!""
so this judas, i guess,
is corruptless, unless?
""thirty pieces of silver?"" ""okay!""
"
"a coryphodon pauses to eat
on a hill as he nibbles a beet.
 this is eocene time,
and the mammal must climb
(and descend) on his plantigrade feet.
"
"in the ore we've been shipped, sitting dockside,
is a hydrous vanadium oxide
that's blue-black in color
(or brown, only duller).
it's corvusite?check out this rock's side.
"
"it's a cottabus bash! bring a date!
be prepared to throw wine at a plate!
dionysus's place!
wear a chiton with lace!
there's an orgy beginning at 8!
"
"the courter plays multiple roles:
he seduces, beguiles and cajoles?
pitches woo, seeks a mate,
lures an athlete to state,
tempts the mares into making some foals.
"
"counterculturalism: it's cool!
you dismiss the conventional fool,
then discover a passion
for things not in fashion
while bucking majority rule.
"
"corrodentia: insects that chew,
like the booklice, through paper and glue.
some have wings (double pairs)?
others none, but who cares?
all our bug-eyed librarians do!
"
"coke zero's the beverage for me?
no more alcohol, coffee, or tea.
with its jolts of caffeine,
i stay peppy and lean.
it's nutrition- and calorie-free!
"
"they're the folks who reside on estates:
lavish manors, long driveways, large gates.
country gentlemen seem
to be living a dream
that, for people in penury, grates.
"
"from tampa?st. pete to spokane,
from new york to l.a.?every man,
woman, child here today
in the us of a
could be part of a countrywide plan.
"
"the corynocarpus's trees,
blooming karakas, blow in the breeze.
it's a genus whose fruit,
having poison, won't suit
many kiwis or put them at ease.
"
"the accountant keeps books in a room,
toting sums for the boss to consume.
though the firm's in the red,
he still soldiers ahead
in the countinghouse, reckoning doom.
"
"the cotyloid cavities sit
in the hipbones of mammals, to wit:
these are sockets whose shape
(in the tiger or ape)
is a cup where the thighbone can fit.
"
"bombyliidae: look at these flies!
hear them buzzing like bees in the skies!
brightly colored and hairy,
but not all that scary,
they're stingless?a pleasant surprise.
"
"the iranian leader mahmoud
ahmadinejad came to conclude
that no muslims are gay.
here's the reason, i'd say:
if they outed themselves, they'd be screwed.
"
"cotarnine! we need a lot more
of its chloride for stanching the gore.
check supplies?do it stat!
get the stypticine?that
and some mops from the back of the store.
"
"for cologne, added value refers
to its sexiness, something that spurs,
say the marketing types,
buyer interest?so hype's
what men get when that spokeswoman purrs.
"
"she assessed both my face and my eyes,
checked my waistline, my buns, and my thighs.
i was getting good scores
till she looked in my drawers,
then addeemed me the smallest guy's prize.
"
"roman senators call for a quorum
to discuss if a tax ad valorem
should be added to goods
from the tuscany woods.
(nothing funny today at the forum.)
"
"aculeae grow on the wing
of a bug, like a moth in the spring.
spinous outgrowths, minute,
on the membrane, they suit
lepidoptera doing their thing.
"
"at wolf trap, the comedies please,
and this campy burlesque is a tease.
but they sold us the goods
with these seats in the woods,
'cause we can't see the farce for the trees.
"
"acts of state are what governments do;
no one blames them on me or on you.
so we're safe from attack
(for the war in iraq)
by al-qaeda and terrorists, too.
"
"he was acromegalic, my paw;
had a jaw that left people in awe.
and his hands and his feet
made all men's look petite?
just the biggest that folks ever saw.
"
"start with acro-, for ""high,"" if you can;
and add pachy-, for ""thick"" (that's the plan).
lastly, -derma, for ""skin,""
then combine and you'll gin
up a word for the elephant man.
"
"acrobatically graceful, louise
was at ease on the flying trapeze.
now she's running for mayor,
still skillful (though grayer)
at dodging the mudslingers' sleaze.
"
"though you know the conclusion i drew,
you will counterinterpret my view
to construe it as praising
your writing?amazing,
'cause, pal, just the opposite's true.
"
"coup d'oeil is a phrase that, in france,
means ""a stroke of the eye,"" like a glance
where, in passing, your gaze is
engaged and appraises
the width of my butt in these pants.
"
"corrugation's the mark of this board,
which is folded and furrowed and scored,
while adhered to each side's
a flat sheet that provides
it a surface on which to record.
"
"it appears that, for good or for bad,
he's the spit, not the image of dad?
who's a redhead, and proud
of his counter, this loud
little dribble-faced, towheaded tad.
"
"my hypotheses are, i suppose,
just conjecture?no skin off my nose.
if opponents pose queries
to counter my theories,
i'll think of a counter to those!
"
"the deacon of dentdale-on-dee
is diminutive, dotty, and twee.
his advowson ensures
room and board and secures
a free life for this wee advowee.
"
"as a commodore making a trip
to the pentagon, button your lip.
don't be rocking the boat
when they plan to promote
you and give you an admiralship.
"
"if a limerick's admired, it's not trite,
but regarded with awe and delight.
such a verse becomes prized,
so i've frankly surmised
there's no way 'twould be one that i'd write.
"
"when your treatment's adjunctive, it means
the physicians might hook up machines?
two or three?thus foreboding
big  bills and banks loading
your mortgage with even more liens.
"
"our cows are an adjugate team,
tightly yoked to a cedarwood beam.
after pulling the plow,
they'll be milked, because now
it appears that we've run out of cream.
"
"adjudication: the court won't impute
any guilt in this legal dispute.
the defendant, we find,
has no criminal mind
(and, to boot, she's just so doggone cute).
"
"i'm cosmetically challenged?a guy
who's perplexed by the stuff women buy.
what are toners, concealers,
and chemical peelers?
is blush for the cheek or the eye?
"
"the cost of my costiveness? oy!
how i've sacrificed comfort and joy
being anal retentive
with little incentive
to spend much on fiber and soy!
"
"a counterexample disproves
one's hypothesis, thus it behooves
you to quit with your rants
on how white guys can't dance
and get in here and check out my moves.
"
"the cow oak's a tree in the east
yielding wood that gets woven and pieced
into baskets and chairs.
the sweet acorns it bears
make, for bossies, a bountiful feast.
"
"add to ambreic acid a base,
and an ambreate's left in its place.
that's a salt?in a niche
next to ambrein, which
is a fragrance perfumers embrace.
"
"his guilt wasn't proved, we admitted.
the accused, in the end, stood acquitted.
the defense, though outr?,
was triumphant that day.
the d.a., sad to say, was outwitted.
"
"a monk at a carmelite priory
kept an itemized day-to-day diary.
he tracked, without rest,
all the things he possessed,
then confessed to a life of acquiry.
"
"i'm ambitiously joining this crew,
with the aim that, whenever we're through,
i'll have garnered acclaim
for the fact that my name
is attached to a limerick or two.
"
"many flowers' corollas excite?
showy petals whose colors are bright.
they're the garlands of blue,
red, or yellow you view
with delight at the very first sight.
"
"if you fall between twenty and ten,
you're a teen or a preteen, and then
all the adsmiths descend,
'cause your age-group will spend
much more money than women and men.
"
"the corydalus genus has large
megalopterous insects that barge
in your houseboat at night
and deliver a bite
that will show you who's really in charge.
"
"the condo we purchased in maui
has fabulous views, and so now we
invite folks to stay
at our flat by the bay.
watch the whales as they play, and say ""wowie!""
"
"this courlan's a bird who's a wader,
a floridian water parader,
but he hops?he's a gimp
(like his kin with the limp)
after losing a leg to a gator.
"
"in process accounting, be neat?
put components of cost on a sheet.
let the analysts take
all the data and make
their decision?your job is complete.
"
"this congressional caucus is black
(of hispanics and whites, there's a lack):
representatives all
'cept obama, a tall
presidential contender they back.
"
"corrodents are things that can eat
in a gradual way?or tout de suite?
through a pot or a kettle,
destroying  the metal.
(no tea will be served with the treat.)
"
"the coruco that sucks on the hen
that we keep by the barn in a pen
is contented and snug.
a hemipterous bug,
he enjoys a good bite now and then.
"
"i pick up my shoes on the run,
and the cobbler pronounces them done.
but what once were size 8s
are now 4s, so he states:
""half a loafer is better than none!""
"
"take writing that's turgid or choppy,
or hackneyed or over-the-toppy.
improve and revise.
see a pulitzer prize
go to others?you're editing copy.
"
"a tennis or basketball treat,
for the fan, is this premium seat.
at courtside, you're not
gonna miss any shot,
and the swearing and sweating are sweet!
"
"i remain well advised of the threat
to my life with these memos i get.
every one lists a way
i'm in danger?today
it's my plan to play russian roulette.
"
"the medically adverse event
is what hospitals often lament.
the nurse has a fright
every night when i light
a cigar in my oxygen tent.
"
"adusted means ""dried up with heat,""
like a sunblasted slab of concrete.
without shade, you'll be torched
and your skin could get scorched
to the point where you're red as a beet.
"
"an adjurer in court might entreat
and implore the new judge, ""one more seat
on the jury for each
of my pals?i beseech
you, your honor! add jurors tout de suite!""
"
"in arithmetic, kids get agility
with sums, which includes the facility
for working by twos,
fives and tens, should they choose.
all are numbers with clear addibility.
"
"the charmers' new chairman-elect
would be courtly and suave, you'd expect.
so it's counterintuitive
meeting a screw-it-ive
boor who's uncouth and unchecked.
"
"he's aware she's the wife of the earl,
and off limits, 'twould seem, to this churl,
but he's eager to dance,
so he offers a chance
to the countess: ""let's give it a whirl!""
"
"cosmopolitism inheres
in the man who reflexively steers
on a worldlier bearing
while others are faring
in limited, narrower spheres.
"
"with your words and my wit on display,
we will cowrite a paper today
on how ""cow-rite"" conveys
the conventional ways
that a bull gets a bossy to play.
"
"""so is that what you call a disease
that's presenting with symptoms like these?""
asked the patient in shock
of her dubious doc,
for whom acrisy led to unease.
"
"agriculturists study the land
using science, a tool they command.
beneficiaries include
the producers of food
and consumers (whose waistlines expand).
"
"in the tropics, a stealthy raccoon
hunts for crabs by a lake-fed lagoon.
the crustacean's a treat,
and its shell holds the meat
agouaras consider a boon.
"
"a speaker, provoked and irate,
turns combative?he's driven to state:
""well, yo' mama's a slut!""
that's a way to rebut
agonistically during debate.
"
"in this covent, once matins are done,
comes the time before terce is begun.
that's when scrabble gets played,
'cause the abbess has made
entertainment her sine qua nun.
"
"the skin has just started to rip
by the nail on my finger (the tip).
it's an agnail that's needing
a band-aid?it's bleeding,
so redbirds are all i can flip.
"
"when you're dealing in foreign exchange,
then your currency purchases range
from the dong to the som.
this is agiotage?home
to the monies whose names can be strange.
"
"when your baby is born, but the flow
of your breast milk is scanty or slow,
your condition (docs say
""agalactia"") may
be a source of frustration and woe.
"
"agadir was destroyed in a quake
in the '60s. the city would take
a few years to rebuild;
now it's bustling and filled
with moroccans and sheiks on the make.
"
"having aftershafts, plumes that are small
near the base of its feathers, a tall
heron wades in a pond,
lifts its head to respond
to its mate, and lets out with a call.
"
"rolled a 12 and a 3 and a 2,
crapping out every time?now i'm through.
so i pick up the dice
and roll sevens?once, twice.
but they're aftercasts?what can you do?
"
"a city once safe and secure
is besieged by a foe and unsure
if defenses will stand,
so a sally is planned
through a passage?a narrow coupure.
"
"aluminum sulfate's acclaim?
it's a compound, retardant to flame.
says my chemistry chum,
who's a cal tech alum,
""call it alum?they're one and the same.""
"
"if the mafia studies the teeth
of the horse that i plan to bequeath
to the don, and they see
all the countermarks?gee,
on my grave you'll be laying a wreath.
"
"a colombian physicist's courses
must draw on a number of sources.
a coulombian law
brings this scientist awe
when he studies electrical forces.
"
"there is cossyrite, under the ground,
locked in lava this rockhound has found.
did cossyrans implore
the greek gods to make ore
storing crystals? enigmas abound!
"
"in cou?ism, patients stay well
using autosuggestion; they dwell
on the things that they should,
like their health?which is good
for avoiding that cold day in hell.
"
"the pine's a coniferous tree,
with needles and cones, bringing glee
when it's lit on the yule
(which is also the rule
for a wassailing fella like me).
"
"corv?e is exacted in lieu
of new taxes?one's labor is due.
on route 2, i despair,
working highway repair,
filling holes here and there with my crew.
"
"the costanoan people held sway
on the coast near today's monterey.
spanish missions appeared,
and these indians feared
their extinction was well under way.
"
"i am finally getting my wish
with this interesting bright-colored fish.
of the cowfish i test,
seems the longhorn tastes best:
surf and turf all wrapped up in one dish!
"
"nervous impulses move from my hand
up my arm to my brain to demand
(they've been afferently sent)
that it form the intent
to direct me to brush off the sand.
"
"i'm expressive?not one for passivity?
show my feelings, and have the proclivity
to wear on my sleeve
those emotions that cleave
to my heart with extreme affectivity.
"
"aeschylean devices on stage,
like cothurni for actors, were sage.
wearing boots made them tall,
so that once and for all,
theater costumes became all the rage.
"
"the boys in my history class
think aerophagy's really a gas.
they'll keep swallowing air
till one tousles his hair?
that's their signal for belching en masse.
"
"launch rockets; record the statistics.
study flights?all their characteristics.
keep good track of logistics.
employ a few mystics?
(that last one ain't aeroballistics.)
"
"at the end of a series of flashes,
cremation leaves father in ashes.
the rest of his whole
(like his rarefied soul)
is now aerified?totally gaseous.
"
"in heavyweight fights, he's a hacker,
but a pretty good counterattacker.
he'll absorb a few blows
to the nose from his foes,
and then whack 'em right back in the smacker.
"
"when a courtesy title's extended,
a teacher infers he's commended.
we address him as ""prof,""
but we privately scoff.
if he knew, he'd be duly offended.
"
"advocation is pleading in favor
of things, like a food you might savor.
i show my support
for the raspberry torte
when i rave about craving its flavor.
"
"an advil or two does the trick
for the pain when my neck gets a crick.
if i look for what's best
in my medicine chest,
ibuprofen's the drug that i pick.
"
"compurgation's a method that's used
in the courts to help clear the accused.
under oath, an attendant
will swear the defendant
was with him all day?getting boozed.
"
"when products cost less, we rejoice.
when they're costless, we're faced with a choice.
i've been offered a car
free of charge?can't go far
in an engineless, wheelless rolls-royce.
"
"if brackets are used in a quote,
then the author intends to denote
that what's written inside
is a comment or guide
for the reader: ""that's all that [poe] wrote.""
"
"meant to mimic a call as it's heard
comes a name and reversible word.
a macaw of brazil
that's both throaty and shrill,
the arara's a stridulous bird.
"
"africanist: someone you want
if you're translating from the balante.
she knows zulu and twi,
and mandingo, you see?
she's an african language savant.
"
"battle mountain's a town in nevada?
""america's armpit."" i hadduh
be stupid to go
there and see if b.o.
is what's making the people there sadduh.
"
"one african cat has a name
leading fools to conclude that it's tame.
though it sounds rather wussy,
the serval's no pussy,
but fierce and intractable game.
"
"charged with speeding and hauled into court,
werner heisenberg's heard to retort,
""the police cannot prove
where i was on the move
if they're sure of the speed they report.""
"
"the choragus today is a reader
whose powerful voice makes this pleader
the chorus's star
in our stark and bizarre
german tragedy, follow the lieder.
"
"we drove from sorrento, en route
to cosenza, in italy's boot.
in that town, rather small,
we found lodging and all,
dined on vino, spaghetti, and fruit.
"
"when risk is an adjunct to action,
some folks get extreme satisfaction.
adding danger is cool
for the thrill-seeking fool,
even though he might wind up in traction.
"
"here's an adjunct accusative: blue
in ""he's making us blue."" what's it do?
it modifies us
(that's the object) and, thus,
is?to making?a complement, too.
"
"the candidates show no compunction
or shame when they ply us with unction.
sanctimonious wimps,
every speech they make limps,
like they're plagued by electile dysfunction.
"
"the study of fossilized feces
discloses the habits of species
of creatures extinct?
coprolitically linked
by their food, claim zoologists' theses.
"
"his illicit affairs are now frequent:
consecutive, serial, sequent.
day in and day out,
he's been catting about.
i don't know where my once-faithful geek went.
"
"the river busento, it's said,
comforts alaric, deep in its bed.
there are legends that sing
of this  visigoth king
and of soldiers who honor their dead.
"
"the pizzas that other folks favor
have a cheesy or mushroomy  savor.
but for toppings, i am
more a craver of ham
and of meats with a bacony flavor.
"
"these maples are shade trees that grow
very quickly, creating a  show.
they are  box elders, spreading
their branches, then shedding
their ash-leaves before the first snow.
"
"the ammodytes dig in the strand
when the ocean recedes from the land.
these are fishes, quite small?
just six inches in all?
that enjoy being buried in sand.
"
"automania's something that's known
as the passion for being alone,
but it's also the need
(near-obsessive, agreed)
and desire for a car of your own.
"
"when we broaden our interests, we find
there are people and worlds intertwined.
it's a pitiful waste
to be narrow in taste,
so catholicize?open your mind.
"
"they have whitish pubescence, these plants,
and their woolly-haired seeds can entrance.
but the cottonweeds won't
give us  fiber, and don't
lead to fabric that's useful for pants.
"
"this microscope specimen's not
clearly showing the structure it's got,
so a counterstain, blue,
should provide us a view
of the features we're hoping to spot.
"
"raise the chromium content in steel
for corrosion-resistance appeal.
the prevention of rust
in an alloy's a must?
for designers, a really big deal.
"
"add agamo- to -spermy and find
it's apogamy?oddly, a kind
of a sexual act
that's a flop, but in fact
leaves an embryo, nicely designed.
"
"a covey of doves is a pair
with a brood of young squabs in their care.
lovey-dovey all night,
they won't squabble or fight
till their fledglings take flight in the air.
"
"coscorobas are ducks, maybe swans,
so i ask,  ""have you seen them on ponds?""
""yes, they're paddlers and white,
quite proficient at flight.
let's just say that they're birds,"" she responds.
"
"take a subgroup of g, call it t,
and one element, a, fixed in g.
all the products, t?a,
(t in t, by the way)
form a coset of t. do you see?
"
"we've been cosherin' grady since may,
when he showed at our doorstep one day.
mum's put food in his belly
and lent him the telly.
i'd say he's exceeded his stay.
"
"most passerine birds are arboreal;
they perch as they sing, like the oriole.
but others must long
for the power of song,
since they're sadly (how wrong!) clamatorial.
"
"the damner and slammer of grammar
will yammer and stammer and clamor
that rules about commas
are tools of the brahmas
and fools turning screws with a hammer
"
"the poodles we label as toy
are bred to be fun for a boy,
but most coydogs are feral
and bring a boy peril,
i guess, more than comfort or joy.
"
"it's a judge who will serve on a court,
not preside, like the chief, but support.
an associate justice
(who's someone we trust) is
referred to as aj, for short.
"
"the chestnut's the fruit of a tree,
brown and edible, sweet as can be.
eat it raw or just roast it,
i'm ready to toast it:
the chestnut's the best nut for me!
"
"alta fescue's a mountainside grass
that can grow in a meadow or pass.
it gets used as late hay
or for forage, a way
to keep cattle producing their gas.
"
"behold the aethereal fairy:
discarnate, unworldly, and airy.
she moves from the gloom
through the walls of the room.
holy cow! did you see that? she's scary!
"
"the aerophagist, swallowing air
in hysteria, simply won't care
that the belching it causes
might lead to guffaws?his
concern's his alarm and despair.
"
"ann purchased  a car from japan,
so i asked her, ""a wagon or van?""
""didn't like 'em. too slow.""
""get a coupe?"" ""no, no, no!""
""whadja buy, then?"" ""a four-door,"" said ann.
"
"the box elder's pointers should bring
much success when you step in the ring.
such a veteran  knows
(his  experience shows)
how to sharpen a prizefighter's swing.
"
"the coast near amalfi is grand.
on a hill high above we would stand
and delight in the view
of tyrrhenian blue
by a town far below on the strand.
"
"james allison gave it his name,
though i see that it's simply the same
as the yellowfin tuna.
is he still a kahuna
to fish fans, deserving acclaim?
"
"the pain, at the start, is minute,
but it gradually grows to acute.
algesimetry measures
discomfort, and pleasure's
a sense it's not meant to compute.
"
"i jumped in the pool on a bet,
and my pants got incredibly wet.
so i've stood in the breeze
without moving, and, jeez,
they're now air-dry as trousers can get.
"
"i'm an agliophobe. and my fear?
it's of pain, both intense and severe?
also faint and minute
'cause, for me, what's acute
is a pinprick for others, i hear.
"
"agadir is a port in morocco,
where a night on the town can be socko:
stroll the streets, hit a bar,
try a fancy bazaar,
buy cigars and a coat made of paco.
"
"the fool rushes in, all for naught,
where the wise man won't tread without thought.
bush's acrisy (lack
of good sense) in iraq
caused a war we should never have fought.
"
"my horse has been stolen?i'm sore,
and i'm not gonna take it no more.
no, i won't let it be,
so i pick up the key,
and (with afterwit) lock the barn door.
"
"an aftercast's made from a mold
that was made from another, now old.
that original casting
is making a lasting
impression?its story's twice-told.
"
"an aethereal messenger comes,
and the whole congregation now hums.
was this heavenly guest
sent to give us a test,
and, if not, should we twiddle our thumbs?
"
"an aerodontalgic event
was what triggered my cabin lament.
decompressing the plane
caused my toothache?a pain
that kept up till we stopped our descent.
"
"i apologize, dear; i'm a schmo.
i was wrong, so i'm willing to show,
with this dish, my regret.
it's a corvoid croquette?
not just rook-shaped, but made out of crow.
"
"on the impost the coussinet sits,
at the top of the pier where it fits
as the arch's first stone,
while the keystone is known
as the last. now i'm calling it quits.
"
"there is fear in the slaughterhouse pen,
where the bossies are wondering when
they will breathe their last breath,
then get hammered to death.
say a prayer for the cowish. amen.
"
"the countermarks put on this box
show it's owned by a number of docs.
with those tokens, it's clear
every doc must be here
when we take off the chains and the locks.
"
"allegations you made in your plea
will be answered in court, you will see.
my counterplea's proof
serves to show i'm no poof?
just effeminate, fussy and twee.
"
"a coverchief covered one's head
in chaucerian times, so i've read.
it's an obsolete word
that is no longer heard,
since today we use kerchief instead.
"
"a cosset is sired by a ram,
and then born of, not raised by, its dam.
it's cosseted?dandled
and lovingly handled
by humans: a pet of a lamb.
"
"it's a beam, in the web of a truss,
engineers all consider a plus.
the counterbrace takes
extra tension, which makes,
in a bridge, for more strength and less fuss.
"
"""for describing one's lust, there's indeed
only gluttony, avarice, greed,
and cupidity, squire.""
""also covetise, sire?
you'd be wise to acquire it. godspeed!""
"
"the economist in me's astute:
cost-effectively spending my loot,
first i price all the benefits
coming, and then if it's
higher than costs, go that route.
"
"alcheringa (the dreaming) began
with the making of earth and of man.
aboriginal, prime,
immemorial time
has a mythical everywhen span.
"
"cosmologically speaking, i'd say
that most pastors get carried away
with their genesis queries,
creationist theories,
and claims that god made us with clay.
"
"each aldine edition's unique,
whether latin, italian, or greek.
with the dolphin and anchor
(no emblem is swanker),
these books share a classic mystique.
"
"without a gynoecium, flowers
can't propagate, lacking the powers.
though these agynary plants
have no chance for romance,
they adorn and enhance many bowers.
"
"akashi's a town in japan
on the island of honshu?one can
write a limerick about it
to honor and tout it,
but please make it rhyme well and scan.
"
"the air-droppable cargo we fly
(mostly food and supplies they can't buy)
will be tethered to chutes
and released over routes
where they're easy for people to spy.
"
"aintab was attacked by crusaders,
fought back, and repulsed the invaders.
now it's gaziantep,
and a place with a rep
for pistachios, textiles, and traders.
"
"my bedroom is bright, being shadeless.
it's also a sight, since i'm maidless.
i've a bachelor pad,
but no girlfriend; it's sad
when a lad, lacking help, becomes aidless.
"
"from the git-go, he's never looked back
as he's raced at full speed round the track.
all his rivals are falling
behind, almost crawling?
he's now far ahead of the pack.
"
"puerto ricans raise glasses to toast
aguadilla, a town on their coast.
of the guests it has known,
cristoforo col?n
was the greatest its records can boast.
"
"in amaethon the welsh had a god
of the farm and the plough and the sod.
being tied to the soil
through his labor and toil,
he protected the lowest-born clod.
"
"electricity flows through your line,
and it changes direction?a sign
that your current's ac,
which ensures your tv
powers up and your light bulbs all shine.
"
"i'll be changing the relative size,
as i paint, of her nose and her eyes.
yes, this altered proportion
creates a distortion,
but shrinking that honker is wise.
"
"what do children of catholics like most?
aliturgical days! make a toast!
'cause communion's no fun
when some eagle-eyed nun
at high mass spots you chewing the host.
"
"this allotter's a person with lots
of positions for haves and have-nots.
he'll dispense every slot
and assignment he's got
till he's finished and filled all the spots.
"
"my all-overish sense of unease
has increased in unceasing degrees.
it's a general fear
my quietus is near?
gimme nachos with plenty of cheese!
"
"of garnet, there's more than one kind,
and allochroite's rare, i've divined.
it's an andradite type
getting slim-to-no hype
in the dozens of sources i've mined.
"
"they have jaws like a gator or croc,
but they're metal and serve just to lock,
or connect, like a clip,
so your cable won't slip.
electricians all keep them in stock.
"
"when the style's alla prima, it's quick:
just one layer of paint?not too thick.
for the artist, this try's
all he gets 'cause it dries
very fast and the images stick.
"
"of a botany term i shall sing:
something aliform's shaped like a wing.
see these flowery stalks?
just imagine they're hawks
taking flight on the first day of spring!
"
"at the casting call, guys get depressed
to discover we're gender-obsessed,
but when monologues speak
of vaginas, we seek
authenticity: broad-casting's best.
"
"evolutionists theorize badly!
we creationists challenge them gladly.
teaching children in schools
we're from apes? oh, what fools!
and so blind to god's handiwork, sadly.
"
"""copulation of notions is wit,""
dr. johnson once noted, 'tis writ.
from human reflections
(and mental erections),
unexpected connections will flit.
"
"i'm that dunce in the cap who was chronically
made by my teachers to conically
fashion and shape,
using paper and tape,
what i wore for behaving moronically.
"
"a joey walks in through the door
of a bar: ""one martini, top drawer.""
""twenty bucks for the booze?
we don't see many roos?.""
""at that price, you won't see many more!""
"
"i dated and courted and fed 'em,
whatever was needed to bed 'em.
my plan of attack
sought a night in the sack,
since i never intended to wed 'em.
"
"if this scot knew his goodwife was loose,
then he wouldn't be crawing so crouse.
he philanders, of course;
should we tell him that sauce
for the gander is sauce for the goose?
"
"it's the verb that both links and connects
in: ""his thought  is becoming complex.""
it's a descant or voice,
and some lawyers rejoice
because copula designates sex.
"
"there's a famous american story
of colonists fighting for glory
and chasing the british?
those chickens were skittish
that minutemen might cacciatore.
"
"""come with,"" says my daughter-in-law
to my grandson, who sticks out his paw,
which she takes in her hand
and starts off, as i stand
in the door and he waves at me (?aww).
"
"we'll be having a grand celebration,
with reveling, feasting, libation.
in centuries past,
people having a blast
such as this used the word comessation.
"
"your troubles come down to just one:
you'll come down from that high you're on, son.
if we find it's cocaine,
what comes down then is plain:
we'll come down on you hard?won't be fun.
"
"the shoreline is craggy and steep,
and the waters below dark and deep.
a cliffie, forlorn,
has a heart that's been torn,
keeps her vow, takes a step ... and a leap.
"
"major anderson's holding the fort
as he's waiting for union support.
a bombardment will bring
quick surrender?good thing
that this civil war battle is short.
"
"here's my transit report, for the record:
the buses are striped, double-deckered;
the police cars are two-tone
(a red and a blue tone);
the taxis are counterchanged (checkered).
"
"presiding in court is the lord,
and his steward is here to record.
the baron's new banner
was robbed from the manor.
the culprit will get his reward.
"
"a candidate's starting to run
for political office?it's fun!
then the mud starts to fly:
""he's a crook!"" ""that's a lie!""
yes, the countercampaign has begun.
"
"""court leet is in session! all rise!""
cries the bailiff. the jury complies.
the sheriff is present
and charges the peasant
with stealing the countess's pies.
"
"the chatter continually poured
from one nat when his teammates had scored.
with a mouth on the run,
he conveniently won
their most voluble player award.
"
"your surgical specialist's here,
and he'll start by reshaping each ear.
breast enhancement  comes second,
then lipo?it's reckoned
your butt lift will bring up the rear.
"
"the amphitheater, carved from a hill,
was an open-air building?a thrill
for the romans in tiers
who responded with cheers
when the lion moved in for the kill.
"
"autrefois, when it's used with acquit,
is a legal expression, to wit:
once you're tried for a crime,
found not guilty that time,
then to try you again ain't legit.
"
"there's an ametabolian mite
that has crawled in my bed for the night.
metamorphosis shall,
for this bug, be banal
if it happens at all?very slight.
"
"of the lamia genus, this word
is the name of a beetle and bird.
it's a walker, like you,
an odometer, too.
now all four of its meanings you've heard.
"
"we begin with a salad that's tossed
and hors d'oeuvres, without care for the cost.
then we order the fish,
a delectable dish:
it's a sole that's ambrosially sauced.
"
"i enjoy spending time on my own,
writing verse, reading books, sculpting stone.
i like parties, as well?
going out, raising hell.
i'm an ambivert: both sides are shown.
"
"amazake's fermented from rice.
when it's brought to a simmer, it's nice.
it's a japanese treat
you can buy on the street,
low in alcohol, sugar, and spice.
"
"amaurotic, i'm losing my sight,
and my days have been turning to night.
seems i have a disease
of my retinas?please
cut the crap about ""sweetness and light.""
"
"amaryllids delight and entrance.
in this family of tropical plants,
there's the lily, narcissus,
and snowdrop, so this is
a group with a flow'ry expanse.
"
"the long-blooming flower i'm eyeing
outside in the yard has me sighing.
it's perpetually blue
(as my love is for you):
amaranthine?forever undying.
"
"""the communicant, tilting his head,
is accepting a wafer of bread
representing the body
of christ, so it's god he
receives,"" sister margaret said.
"
"though i try, i'm not getting this dance down,
and the why becomes clear when i glance down:
my trousers have slipped
past my knees, and i'm gripped
by embarrassment?caught with my pants down.
"
"a cruse is a vessel or pot
that holds liquid, like water that's hot,
while a cruise is a trip
on a vessel or ship
over water?for instance, a yacht.
"
"a breakout recording's a smash
from an artist whose past work was trash,
or perhaps wasn't played
by the deejays who trade
in payola?big bundles of cash.
"
"though a crypt of morgagni may sound
like a florentine vault in the ground,
it's a pouch in the wall
of the rectum is all.
(and a subject one tiptoes around.)
"
"there are pocks in the walls of your rectum.
proctologists sometimes inspect 'em.
anal crypts have their minuses:
one's when these sinuses
fissure and toxins infect 'em.
"
"you dared me to start to smoke crack;
i did, and then dared you right back.
counterchallenges serve
to exhibit the nerve
we possess?and the wisdom we lack.
"
"some cover-shames serve to conceal
the embarrassment trespassers feel.
an impregnated lass
dons a habit to pass
as a nun, and thus hide her ordeal.
"
"for a pear, i prefer the anjou,
while for you, only bartletts will do.
we're a pair who've embraced
such a difference in taste.
as the french say, chacun ? son go?t.
"
"back-to-back-to-back homers are rare,
but for rareness, that doesn't compare
to a four-in-a-row
home-run derby?a show
that had fenway fans walking on air.
"
"""since we all know that coke is crapola,""
observes the northumbrian nola,
""that soda man's numbing-
ly dumb if he's coming
to newcastle carrying cola.""
"
"the officials in rome get the call
to assemble at once in the hall.
the comitia's beginning,
and caesar is grinning
to show them he really has gaul.
"
"commissural connections are seams
where two bodies unite. i've had dreams
of a siamese twin
who is sharing my skin?
and my heart! (then i wake to my screams.)
"
"we require a financial review;
it's a long application, that's true.
but once it's been shown
you can pay back the loan,
we'll give credit where credit is due.
"
"commissurally joined at the chest,
tess and jess took a step for the best.
where their bodies connected,
the surgeons dissected.
once cleaved, they're now cleft?and depressed.
"
"repossessing chevelles in the night
can be scary unless it's done right.
grabbing autos, you need
to be stealthy?and speed
is the key since some car owners fight.
"
"noted ilsa, a tear in her eye,
to her vic after rick said goodbye,
""casablanca was neat,
so please order, my sweet,
a gin rickey for me as we fly.""
"
"a sari-clad seamstress and vendor
kept queens in sartorial splendor,
but found a new glory
when reaching satori:
of souls, and not clothes, be a mender!
"
"courts of sessions are found in some states,
like new york, and are pushed to high rates
of conviction for those
doing drugs?so it goes
in this ""war."" our stupidity grates.
"
"a downtrodden charity case
thanks the lord for his heavenly grace
and the cash from the sky
when a crook, running by,
has a bank bag blow up in his face.
"
"at roulette i'm just not getting far
betting red, losing big?it's bizarre.
i've been stuck on this track
'cause my bugbear is black
and i simply refuse to b?te noire.
"
"she's hooker, a looker, and hot;
and of late she's been cooking a lot.
her favorite is fish,
which she bakes in a dish
with two handles?a shallow cocotte.
"
"""once those stringers are placed boat to boat,
and the flooring's been laid, you can tote
the supplies right across,""
says the wharfingers' boss
of the balks used in bridges that float.
"
"it's a cleavage, a cut, or a slit
left in wood that a hatchet has hit.
such a space is a cleft,
and i need someone deft
with an ax?there are logs here to split.
"
"an incurable fatal disease
drives a desperate man to his knees,
where without histrionics,
he chooses cryonics.
and why? for the hope that it frees.
"
"for a bit of post-mortem advice,
try a frostian roll of the dice:
is cremation your fate?
does cryonics await?
should you end it in fire or in ice?
"
"it's corporate spying we fear;
no dispatches we send are in clear.
they're  all crypto?the key
to the code one can see
on the wall of the loo in the rear.
"
"after sawing the logs into balks,
we'll be cutting the planks to the chalks.
there's a heavy demand
for this wood at the strand,
where they've planned to build oceanside walks.
"
"crypto-fascists will swear they abhor
fascist leaders, or claim they deplore
brutal tactics like purging,
while secretly urging
the despots to purge even more.
"
"men are butchering folks in the night
with machetes that slice left and right.
pools of red on the floor
are now clotting?the gore
of this bloodbath's a sickening sight.
"
"a welshman remembers his youth,
when he plucked on the strings of a crwth.
that's a fiddle of sorts
with a spelling that sports
an unusual vowel, in trwth.
"
"my teapot is covered and snug,
in the grip of the allover hug
that its cozy provides.
soon the pekoe it hides
will be heating the sides of my mug.
"
"two nuns live in sin in a flat,
but the abbot's not bothered by that.
this cohabiting pair
have one outfit to wear,
and, dagnabbit, they're passing the hat!
"
"all the runners have gotten a jump
and the pitcher has started his pump.
if, instead, he should stall
and hold onto the ball,
he'll be charged with a balk by the ump.
"
"a taxi, a squad car, a yacht,
a warship, a hooker who's hot,
a logger, a boot,
a traveler en route,
and a boxer. nine cruisers i spot.
"
"the color called cruiser is gray,
and it's darker than charcoal, they say.
there's a settler and town
of new england renown
that are names for this hue, by the way.
"
"as to what it might take to compel
cal to talk? try a cold day in hell.
when she heard coolidge died,
dottie parker replied
(so the story goes), ""how could you tell?""
"
"use of court hand made latin look nice.
the transcriptions were strong and concise.
the clerk showed his skill
in the art of the quill
with a record of legal advice.
"
"they're at home in the sea and on land,
finding water and air to be grand.
such amphibiousness
is the key to success
when some swim to the strand and then stand.
"
"lack of oxygen causes despair
in us humans, but some things don't care.
they suppress this neurosis
through anaerobiosis
and live in the absence of air.
"
"the prefixes crypto- and crypt-
are both signals your lips must be zipped.
there's a secret we've hidden,
disclosure's forbidden,
and people who blab will be whipped.
"
"this chain store's a 24/7
convenience for people?it's heaven!
buy magazines, candy,
or pampers?it's handy
to shop at a 7-eleven.
"
"it's the friendly society of
the alumni of air alpes i love.
the aaaaa
will be flying today
from gen?ve to mont blanc up above.
"
"simple sentences often impede
verses' scansion, while cleft ones succeed:
""kay is dumb"" can become
""it is kay who is dumb""
for a true anapestical read.
"
"a mediterranean cruise
is what sensible travelers choose.
stop in cannes for the day,
board the ship, sail away
to capri through the night as you snooze.
"
"i've been cruising the bars in this city
in search of a fun-loving kitty.
but i can't even score
with a whore?now it's four
in the morning, so show me some pity.
"
"loggers cruising a section of land
are exploring the trees in each stand.
once the woods have been checked
for the yield to expect,
they can harvest the timber on hand.
"
"your typical drinker of sanka
or fan of the singer paul anka
would take little time
coming up with a rhyme
for the city and film casablanca.
"
"here's a limerick i crafted today
with the rhyme scheme aaaaa,
which denotes, by the way,
the five lines that you say
(when reciting this) rhyme with okay.
"
"when you cruise in a car, then you go
at a speed that is steady?just so.
near the limit is best,
though the safety-obsessed
often drive unbelievably slow.
"
"when you're trying to cruise in a plane,
what you watch is the speed you maintain.
most pilots like flying
efficiently, trying
to operate jets without strain.
"
"there's no set destination when cruising;
it's the journey itself that you're choosing.
you're sailing the seas
and you're free as the breeze
to be fishing, relaxing, or boozing.
"
"college ices aren't sleet on the street
of a campus, but sweets that you eat.
they're sundaes, with fruit
and shaved ice, of repute
in new england?a cheaply made treat.
"
"alpaca's a restaurant meat;
in peru, it's considered a treat.
a bit gamy, like deer,
it goes best with a beer?
inca cola's a little too sweet.
"
"my brothers commoved me to streak
down sorority row late last week.
they exhorted me, ""go!""
now the sisters all know
i'm the deke with the small, um, physique.
"
"there's a squad car that's prowling my street,
on one round of its citywide beat,
while that cab over there
has just picked up a fare?
both are cruisers, and part of a fleet.
"
"for my wedding, i must wear a tux,
so i'm faced with this difficult crux:
should i choose for my shoes
patent leather?or cruise
past the pews in my white leather bucks?
"
"my jacket is made out of fleece,
a moreen that won't  wrinkle or crease.
so it's crushproof, but not
that resistant to what
was just dropped by those low-flying geese.
"
"a cerecloth is treated with wax
and then wrapped round his corpse without tacks.
it's the way to delay
the encroaching decay
of our dearly beloved dog max.
"
"the pounding and crashing of seas
cliffs the land on the coast of belize.
glaciers sliced through the earth
cliffing slopes by the perth
that rise steeply, devoid of all trees.
"
"my amiableness comes from my dad,
who's the friendliest anyone's had.
he's affectionate, warm
(simply out of the norm),
and the port in a storm when i'm mad.
"
"there are acuate leaves on this plant;
they're so pointy our landscaper can't
be persuaded to trim it.
he's putting a limit
on work for today, and it's scant.
"
"there once was a girl from nantasket
who liked to play hoops?didn't mask it.
the ball, when she'd chuck it,
went right in the bucket.
(a bucket, you see, is a basket.)
"
"an acute loss of consciousness comes
when they tighten the screws on your thumbs,
and you faint from the pain?
or you pickle your brain
with a dozen caribbean rums.
"
"the suffix -agogue stands for ""leader,""
as in demagogue (one who's a pleader
to bias and woe),
and also for ""flow"":
an emmenagogue makes you a bleeder.
"
"this combining form's commonly hung
on a root and means ""feces"" or ""dung.""
coprozoic's a word
(in which copro- is heard)
for an ape who likes turds being flung.
"
"coprolitic remains undergird
archaeology?much is inferred.
from these fossils we know
about man long ago.
oh, the tales that are told by the turd!
"
"joe dimaggio showed us his grit?
day by day, one by one, bit by bit.
fifty-six in a row
is his record, you know,
for consecutive games with a hit.
"
"amortizable loans got you down?
are you swimming in debt, set to drown?
we'll consolidate all
of your loans at a small
rate of interest?the lowest in town.
"
"an amnesic has memory loss
from an illness or hitting the sauce?
or fatigue or repression
or shock from a session
of head-banging talks with his boss.
"
"i've cohabited all of my life,
and you couldn't imagine the strife!
see, i'm one of those men
whose polygamous yen
won't allow them to marry one wife.
"
"my ch?teau's on a slope, a coteau.
the garonne is directly below.
with a view of the valley,
i'm given to dally
and tally my sips of bordeaux.
"
"a bovine's attracted a claque
who are awed by the hump on his back.
they've been making this newbie,
a zebu, and zoo be
the subjects about which they yak.
"
"there's stuff in the cells that enclose
the whites of birds' eggs, like the crow's.
it's a substance once known
as albuminin?prone
to be food for a fox with a nose.
"
"the town where he meets her is coastal.
""my boat is that big one."" (this boast'll,
he's hoping, imply
he's a sizable guy.)
when she finds it's a lie, she goes postal.
"
"the cotylosaur was a creature,
a reptile whose salient feature
was showing up first
on the land it traversed.
the triassic's its time, says my teacher.
"
"a sniper who's guarding the town
is selectively cutting us down.
here's a method, i bet,
that would counter this threat:
drop a tactical nuke on the clown.
"
"isabella and ferdinand knew
the advantage of ruling as two.
cosovereignty makes
for more respites and breaks?
all alone on the throne in the loo.
"
"a guy who's a clodhopper digs,
on the whole, agricultural gigs.
he might work on the crop
in the field, or the slop
in the sties that gets fed to the pigs.
"
"french calligraphers worked very hard
to develop a style called b?tarde.
it was rounded and slanted,
left readers enchanted,
and garnered commercial regard.
"
"insurgents throw dung at our villas?
bonobos, baboons, and gorillas.
can our counterinsurgents
suppress the emergence,
from jungles, of primate godzillas?
"
"in flatbush, the lords led the way
at the cheerleading contest one day,
from the baron of ""rah""
through the duke of ""huzzah""
to the prize-winning oil of ""ol?.""
"
"she's aghast at the mineral springs
when crenitic effluvium brings
an exposure to sulfur
and fumes that engulf her.
she's gassed?and she gasps, as it stings.
"
"cortinae are cobwebby scraps
from the stems to the rims of the caps
of these mushrooms?but wait!
though some toadstools taste great,
if you eat them, you just might collapse.
"
"an illustrious actor named booth,
once a genial, talented youth,
took a washington stage
and, succumbing to rage,
yelled, ""sic semper tyrannis!"" forsooth!
"
"he's stocky and solid and hard,
quite compact in most every regard.
yes, he's worked at the gym,
but he slimmed with a trim
via lipo?two liters of lard.
"
"he's courtly, refined, surely born
to the manner, and?most would have sworn?
not the typical sort
to be hauled into court
for possession of poppers and porn.
"
"a counterword's meanings abound,
the result of its getting around.
take set, for example.
its entry is ample:
in webster's, the longest i've found.
"
"to hit on you strikes me as crass,
since you seem like a proper young lass.
so to do you a favor,
i'll just let you savor
this free complimentary pass.
"
"our cousinry's all of the folks,
whether children or ladies or blokes,
now descended from granny
or grampy?these clanny
relations are butts of our jokes.
"
"a crisis that's minor, a squall;
a localized war, quick and small.
these are brush fires, intense
but short-lived?in a sense,
like the bush now ablaze by that wall.
"
"the brown-water navy's in town
plying rivers polluted and brown.
do bolivians mind
lacking seaports?or find
being landlocked a kind of renown?
"
"this browning machine gun just shot
over ten thousand rounds, and it's hot.
twenty minutes that took;
man, this sucker can cook!
it's the fastest the army has got.
"
"peaking out of the early-spring mud
is a flower beginning to bud.
a protuberance grows
on its stem?and the rose
from this budder's the color of blood.
"
"i'm a plagiarist?oh, how i've fibbed,
copied others, then put what i cribbed
in my sex tips and jokes,
which advises young blokes:
""any condoms you use should be ribbed.""
"
"it's tough getting children to mind;
and i know that you're often inclined
to go easy for fear
they won't love you, but, dear,
it's okay to be cruel to be kind.
"
"in harbors, a bell buoy will ring
when a swell or a wave makes it swing.
it's placed over shoals
or a reef, so its tolls
warn of trouble these hazards might bring.
"
"this credit analysis shows
what the firm i've invested in owes:
a financial report
(by a bankruptcy court)
on page 10 shows i'm headed for woes.
"
"the drilling is done: say goodbye
to the well, which has finally run dry.
make a breakout of pipes,
rods, and casings (all types
of equipment). we're off to brunei!
"
"the payoffs go on out of sight
of the public by day and by night.
this wheeling and dealing?
a crime?needs revealing.
won't someone please bring it to light?
"
"the element chromium's source
is the mineral chromite, of course.
and it's chrome that i like
on the wheels of my bike
and the spurs that i use on my horse.
"
"my credit report, at first blush,
had implied i'm financially flush,
but on further review,
they discovered that's due
to a slush fund (no longer hush-hush).
"
"it's credit insurance we buy
so our loans are paid off if we die.
that's how debtors ensure
that their heirs won't be poor,
and most lenders are glad to comply.
"
"the hull of the scull of a sculler
was gray, and it couldn't be duller.
so he painted it puce,
and the paddles? chartreuse!
now they're oars of a different color.
"
"we're unloading the stiffs from the trains
day and night, as our company strains
with the pressure of burning
the corpses while turning
a profit for urning cremains.
"
"""this breakout suggests that you've crossed,
with your script, all our limits on cost.
if we film in peru,
we must double the crew,""
said the analyst working on lost.
"
"a committee for studying space,
internationally run, is in place:
what with cospar's reliance
on doing its science
in public, it's good for our race.
"
"a corticose tree may be barky,
but nothing's as barky as sparky.
my poodle's a yapper
(and sometimes a snapper)
who's marked all the bark in the parky.
"
"cryogenic procedures require
me to don this protective attire,
since you asked to be frozen
at death, having chosen
to end it in ice and not fire.
"
"it was once an impossible dream
for the bosox, my favorite team,
but they've finally won
the world series. ""it's done!""
all bostonian baseball fans scream.
"
"you can cruise on the sea in your yacht,
ply the waters from cannes to rabat.
you might stop for a short
bit of time in a port,
but your aim is to sail, is it not?
"
"""i've brought you a gift,"" said my niece.
""a liqueur that's blood-red (not cerise),
so get ready to savor
its black-currant flavor?
the cr?me de la cr?me de cassis.""
"
"some louisville sluggers excel
in the way (using cork) they propel
any baseball they hit,
so it lickety-split
leaves the park like a bat out of hell.
"
"cotinga: a genus of bird
of the family cotingidae. word!
they're related to woody
the woodpecker?goody!
at least that's a name we've all heard.
"
"cost accountants examined our books,
gave expenditures rigorous looks.
under ""labor expense,""
they found ""strip clubs for gents.""
it appears that we're managed by crooks.
"
"streaked below and brown-reddish above,
the brown thrashers are songbirds i love.
like their mockingbird kin,
they can warble?i grin
as one croons a duet with a dove.
"
"a jock with an itch (he's athletic)
needs salve with a mild anesthetic.
says vera, ""stay calm!
what i have in my palm
is the bomb 'cause this balm's aloetic.""
"
"adversative clauses express
antithetical thoughts, more or less.
take what comes after though
in the sentence below:
""he's a man, though he's wearing a dress.""
"
"the ladies at court felt a duty
to strive for perfection in beauty.
each blemish or blot
under plaster was not
just a spot, but the mark of a cutie.
"
"alchemistry's one of the themes
of hermetical sorcerers' schemes:
they're transmuting base metal
to gold; all their debt'll
be settled?it's one of their dreams!
"
"my testicular cancer last fall
is forgotten today as i call
""this is game, set, and match""
to my foe and then catch,
toss, and serve him my very last ball.
"
"this milliner's gift isn't wrapped;
that's beside the point?truly not apt.
don't get mad as a hatter?
it's gestures that matter
when folks are financially strapped.
"
"a ball club's a team in a sport.
it can mean just the players, in short,
or the management, too,
and the workers or crew
who take care of the diamond or court.
"
"there are streets that this avenue meets
(and that cross it?the process repeats),
as we're happily trekking
along it while checking
each corner for stores selling sweets.
"
"there are cumulus clouds in the sky
in a row that appears to the eye
to resemble a road,
so the name we've bestowed
is an apt one: that's cloud street on high.
"
"in the boxing ring, prizefighters pound,
jab, and punch till the end of the round.
then they stumble to stools,
where a cornerman fools
with the sponge?and the spit bucket's found.
"
"it's a cornerman's job to defend,
and in football, he'll cover an end.
while a corner in hoops
is a jock on whose swoops
to the basket his teammates depend.
"
"some look at the belly on me,
and, quite sadly, that's all that they see.
yes, it's huge, but their mocking
is evil and shocking:
they treat me abdominally.
"
"we suffered a bruising defeat
at the hands of the power elite.
'twas a crushing display
by the corps de ballet:
they outdanced us?we couldn't compete.
"
"young men in the past were impressed
into service by force or arrest.
some were given a ride
by the crimpers who plied
them with booze at the navy's behest.
"
"brushed paper is roughened and frayed:
its fibers are beaten and flayed
while the stuff is still wet,
so the finish you get
isn't glossy or smooth once it's made.
"
"aluminiform: what does it mean?
""of the form of an alum,"" i'd seen.
so i googled around
for this word, and i found
that there's nothing beyond that to glean.
"
"in the lab, i'm discussing young ben's
compound microscope betty must cleanse.
""when you clean it, attend
to the eyepiece and spend
lots of time on the fine compound lens.""
"
"a bumfight is shown in a flick
and bespeaks of a culture that's sick.
homeless men are attacked
or encouraged to act
out a dangerous stunt for a kick.
"
"with the web having millions of blogs,
it's a swamp filled with diarists' logs.
as the blogosphere grows
(yeah, this metaphor blows),
will the bloggers outnumber the frogs?
"
"there's a codling i'm coddling right now.
it's an apple i've plucked from the bough?
very green, immature,
but i'm hungry?and sure
that, once cooked, it'll sweeten the chow.
"
"""calee-fawn-ee-uh's"" governor, arnie,
sees his law-making bunch as a carnie.
they're ""girly men""?wimps,
he declares, but this simp's
just a rino and chock-full of blarney.
"
"the candies are thin, and their whiteness
suggests an aetherial lightness.
they're certainly nice,
but i peeked at the price,
and i'm feeling a little uptightness.
"
"a sarcastic, malevolent man
has deservedly been on the pan.
his acridness bites,
till at last it invites
biting back?so he's getting the can.
"
"the coverage of golf on tv
seems a one-man exclusive to me.
watch a couple of shots
by the justins and scotts,
but for tiger, all seventy-three!
"
"a cougnar is plying the bay
of bengal, on its way to malay.
it's a three-masted ship
whose enjoyable trip
is cut short when the mainsail gives way.
"
"""we're color-blind guys and, to us,
black and white make no difference,"" said gus.
""so we're puzzled to find
that the seats we assigned
left you blacks in the back of the bus.""
"
"a diplomat visits nepal
to attend their centennial ball.
but he first has a date
with the new head of state.
it's the requisite courtesy call.
"
"many seniors lack drugs for their ills,
and they can't pay their medicare bills.
between feds and big pharm,
there is cause for alarm
when our aged are boasting no pills.
"
"you're bewitchingly casting a hex
to compel me to ask you for sex,
but i'll counter your spell
with my own, mademoiselle,
since you look... well, a lot like my ex.
"
"in benin is a port, cotonou,
once the capital city?but who
here remembers dahomey?
does anyone? show me
its place on this map if you do.
"
"with the skin disease known as courap,
you'll be lucky to get through a nap.
the perpetual itching
and torturous twitching
lead many a victim to snap.
"
"your countercommercial was daring.
to the suits who signed off on its airing:
that's our logo! for shame!
since we know who's to blame,
you'll be named in the suit we're preparing.
"
"if you'd like a delicious filet,
our beef tenderloin's rated grade a.
the black angus is fine,
and the kobe's divine,
but the charbray is special today.
"
"what's a beemaster know about? drones.
and a bellmaster? carillon tones.
a brewmaster? ales.
and a bandmaster? scales.
you've bemastered those subjects! (she groans.)
"
"this corythosaur's skull, with a crest
and a bill like a duck's, may suggest,
in its fossilized state,
that one dinosaur's fate?
a blind alley in nature?was best.
"
"for graciousness, none can surpass
my dear lily, who does things with class.
she will comelily act
with decorum and tact,
thus attracting my ""come, lily, lass.""
"
"one who's comely conforms to the rules
of decorum, as taught in top schools.
she exhibits discreetness
by treating with neatness
and sweetness all folks, even fools.
"
"the oedilf's an incredible scheme!
here's a project to counter its theme:
i'll be writing an ode
to the name of each road
in the world?hey, a guy's gotta dream!
"
"our main street is busy and wide?
lots of people and stores on each side;
but this backstreet's serene,
very clean and pristine,
like a scene in which everyone's died.
"
"horrendous procedures occurred
in the '60s when gals were referred
through clandestine contortions
to backstreet abortions.
(some even used hangers, i've heard.)
"
"a cosmosphere sits in my class;
it's a model?two globes made of glass.
inside's earth (no, not mars),
while the outside's the stars.
if i studied it more, i might pass.
"
"this codling's a beam to be cleft
into staves; and the bundle that's left,
after that, will be lining
for coffins confining
the loggers of whom we're bereft.
"
"a bucksaw is set in a frame
in the shape of an h, but its name
isn't meant to imply
it's a dollar to buy,
but a sawbuck, most woodworkers claim.
"
"bringing evidence forward at trial,
my attorney pulls pix from a file,
which conclusively show
i was cruising the po
when that bastard was stabbed on the nile.
"
"permit me to pay my respects
to a restaurant chain that connects
when i'm cravin' tortillas
and cheese quesadillas:
let's hear it for chevys fresh mex!
"
"as he's hurrying past on the boat,
she's aware of the brush of his coat.
with the contact, this miss
now imagines his kiss,
and she stifles a gasp in her throat.
"
"he gave his old suit a quick brush
and was out of the house in a rush.
now the cat hairs are gone
as he runs cross the lawn
and falls flat on his face in the slush.
"
"the judge is reducing the time
that i'll serve for a white-collar crime.
fifteen cents was my sop
to a cop at a stop.
it was bribery?nickel-and-dime.
"
"administrators run or direct
the affairs of a school?in effect,
keeping teachers and students
exhibiting prudence,
decorum, good sense, and respect.
"
"i'm bound and determined to see
how enjoyable bondage can be.
so just tie me up tight
with this rope?i won't fight.
i've resolved not to try to get free.
"
"our show is a bell ringer?truly
a smashing success, called the stoolie.
a carillonneur
rats on convicts in stir
in revenge for them treating him cruelly.
"
"though connecticut's small, as states go,
my rhode island's the smallest, you know.
let the nutmeggers boast
of their wealth. my riposte?
yo, the ocean state's coast steals the show!
"
"the lacquer applied to the knob
quickly dried without leaving a blob,
so allow me to gush on
the use of a brush-on
for those in a rush on the job.
"
"for the gracious, respectful miss muller,
shucking corn couldn't be any duller.
so instead she gives talks
on the husks and the stalks.
it's a course of a deferent huller.
"
"there's a cleft in the hoof of a sheep.
it's a split 'tween two toes, not that deep.
cloven hooves (which i'd note
can be found on the goat)
help with traction on hills that are steep.
"
"send a message, i'll text you right back!
like a coke head addicted to crack,
i'm a crackberry slave,
craving networks that save
precious time and eliminate slack.
"
"i'm besprenging approvals of verses
throughout the oedilf?this disperses
a sprinkling of yeas
'midst my thousands of nays
(which from authors provoke only curses).
"
"the island of ceram entices
the world with its coveted spices,
like nutmeg and cloves.
check the fish in its coves:
you want ugly? the goby suffices!
"
"with a therapist acting as guide,
has this couple put problems aside?
the techniques they've employed?
holding hands, reading freud?
haven't worked. he's a jekyll and hyde!
"
"quasimodo was tolling and fell
to the street with a boing, i hear tell.
what a sound! gather round!
who's that man on the ground?
i've a hunch that his face rings a bell.
"
"ruled the judge, ""it's a hanging offense!""
said the lawyer, ""that doesn't make sense.
read the news, holy smokes ?
we electrocute folks.""
""the defense favors current events?""
"
"in billiards, four balklines divide
the full table?the spaces outside
of the center are known
as the balks. they're the zones
where restrictions on shots are applied.
"
"is counteraggression all right?
if you're slighted or dissed, should you fight?
would a punch be okay
if a dude blocks your way?
can you cap someone's ass for a slight?
"
"i'm findin' no waitress is finer
than the counterwoman here at the diner.
though the gals servin' tables
are all betty grables,
this chick working counter's diviner.
"
"we countenance evil today
in darfur, to the victims' dismay.
the world is unwilling
to stop all the killing,
which tells those in charge it's okay.
"
"when a coal seam abruptly thins out,
local miners are saddled with doubt.
so they gather to talk
about whether this balk
shows that newcastle's losing its clout.
"
"a goldsmith puts gold in his pot,
called a cruset, and waits till it's hot.
once it's liquid, he'll pour
a few ounces or more
in a mold that will hold what he's got.
"
"send a proxy to christie's? you're kiddin'!
at the back of the room i'll be hidden.
when the counterbids fly,
i know best not to try
to have somebody else do my biddin'.
"
"the washington post had a star
dubbed the style invitational czar.
he created a contest,
a humor-savant test,
for pun-loving wordsmiths to spar.
"
"we've choked off the enemy's trade
with the cordon of ships we've arrayed.
but we have to beware
of his u-boats down there
and prepare for his counterblockade.
"
"the eddies aswirl on the strand
are commoving and stirring the sand.
so this finger-scrawled verse
in the beach should submerse
and disperse, as its end is at hand.
"
"he's facing an ace who can chuck it
with heat, and he might have to duck it.
so he alters his stance
in the box for the chance
to survive?puts his foot in the bucket.
"
"at a diner one morning i sat,
munching bacon, engaged in a chat,
when the guy on one side
eyed my breakfast and tried
to deride me for chewing the fat!
"
"the runner is trying to train,
but his knee joint can't handle the strain,
as its cruciate bands
overtwist as he lands,
causing tears and excruciating pain.
"
"no taliban batted an eye
for the woman who'd failed to comply
with sharia decrees.
forced in fear to her knees,
she was shot and then left there to die.
"
"i'm a customer, new to these parts,
in a bar watching bikers throw darts.
so i brag about how
i'm a player, and now
i'm the goalkeeper. dammit, that smarts!
"
"he fishes adroitly, this dapper,
by dangling his bait in a wrapper.
and what is he trying
to hook here? he's eyeing
a dinner date?hopefully snapper.
"
"how can judas's carryout fail?
it's the deli new yorkers all hail!
the kasha knishes
are tops, and one dish is
to die for: the quiche of betrayal.
"
"at smucker's, my boss looks askance
as i whirl and i twirl and i prance.
yet i fill every tin
with preserves as i spin,
'cause i'm canning as fast i dance.
"
"a hedge trimmer showed his britannic
reserve when he asked without panic,
""could you help me here, guv,
get me hand from this glove?""
and his fingers came off with the dannock.
"
"pa putters with pintails for yuks,
and with models of mallards he mucks.
he tinkers with widgeons
and gadwalls (not pigeons).
my dad is a dabbler in ducks.
"
"while sipping a pi?a colada
outside a caf? in granada,
duchamp said to dali,
""i've found it, by golly!
my art? it belongs now to dada.""
"
"a medical doctor's curriculum
should cover the stomach's reticulum,
while my classicist buddy
takes courses of study
on rome and its hills, like janiculum.
"
"beware of a reading by inger;
it's a psychic emotional wringer!
her dactyliomancy's
a scam, as she fancies
to rob those who give her the finger.
"
"the economy's gone in the tank.
we have wall street investors to thank.
now a bailout's in store
to save them, and what's more?
seems the check they're demanding is blank.
"
"every man in this barbershop sings;
their quartet's called the harmony kings.
all four voices are stellar?
the group's a cappella:
no horns, no percussion, no strings.
"
"so i pick up my date at eleven.
penny's pretty. i give her a seven.
eat italian?her mood
rates an eight. and the food?
it's a ten since that penne's from heaven.
"
"liquid helium? sure, it's okay
for a cryogen. still, i must say,
of the people we've frozen
at death, most have chosen
the nitrogen. have an ice day!
"
"he's a dashing young man at first blush,
and her heart's quickly turning to mush.
but she'll find, to her woe,
he's so raring to go
that he does even that in a rush.
"
"in spite of the boating delays,
the grand coulee drew mostly bouquets.
it was highly commended,
though sailors all tended
to damn it, instead, with faint praise.
"
"""gar?on! s'il vous pla?t, la courgette?
c'est trop sec!"" leaves the waiter upset.
""yet another french wienie
who hates the zucchini!
hey, jeannie, just squash his croquette.""
"
"your limerick impresses and awes.
it gets four rfas and applause.
its approval's a lock?
then you reel from the shock
as a prickly ae lists its flaws.
"
"counterprogramming's common today,
being used to lure viewers away
from a rival's hit show
to a program that's so
doggone good it will get them to stay.
"
"by starting this counterpetition,
i'd hoped to put out of commission
petitioning drives
that encumber our lives,
but i'm finding it's viewed with suspicion.
"
"algedonic sensations contain
an amalgam of pleasure and pain,
like the sense of relief
that you'll get (maybe brief)
when you stop being hit by my cane.
"
"when our horses pulled even, a look
at each other was all that it took.
we were off at a rush
in a full-striding brush
through the scrub down the hill to the brook.
"
"a confection containing a fruit
(or a seed or a nut or a root)
is a comfiture?note:
it's the sugary coat
that, in fact, gives this sweet its repute.
"
"a breakout of numbers provides
analytical views from all sides.
since these data divisions
inform our decisions,
we hope they're reliable guides.
"
"hearing convicts are planning a breakout,
the guards have established a stakeout.
they're armed to the teeth?
on the walls, underneath,
and outside (eating mexican takeout).
"
"larry craig tapped his foot in a way
to solicit a sex act one day.
""'twas a men's room snafu,""
he declared, ""that i rue.
i'm not now, nor have ever been gay.""
"
"supermassive yet thin cosmic strings:
light years long, hypothetical things
thought to form very early
in time, in those swirly
new-universe swelters and swings.
"
"""all the food here in prison is plainish,
and i know this request is insanish,""
said dahmer one day
as a guard passed his way.
""could my cellmate?the next one?be danish?""
"
"in my mustang i cowboy a lot,
at a gallop while broncos just trot.
i stampede day and night,
rope in cars left and right,
and drive recklessly. (wreckless i'm not.)
"
"""a nuclear accident sparked
my concern, so i quickly embarked
on a dangerous trek
to the hot zone to check
on the victims,"" cher nobly remarked.
"
"pinned down by the enemy's forces,
we know what our only recourse is?
a daredevil breakout,
in which we will take out
their cannons (and also their horses).
"
"""to my boat, take the mice in the gable,
and the horses and cats in the stable.
but your brother can't come.
why that is, i'll stay mum,""
whispered noah arcanely to abel.
"
"the jerusalem artichoke root
has alantin, a carb of repute.
it's a medical tool,
found in crops, and may fuel
greater ethanol usage, to boot.
"
"algesimeters measure the pain
or distress that's perceived by your brain.
they will press on your skin
with, for instance, a pin,
then record when you finally complain.
"
"the adspeak that adsmiths all ply
makes the customers ready to buy.
it's a language to sell,
which it does very well,
says the madison avenue guy.
"
"the question on condom expenses
is the worst of the survey's offenses.
when the counters appear
at our door, we'll make clear
that we plan to take leave of our census.
"
"traditional poetry's peppered
with corydons, many intrepid.
our bards were well versed
(by theocritus first
and then virgil) to write of this shepherd.
"
"carpophilum (coryneum) comes
as a fungus?don't twiddle your thumbs.
california's own blight's
a disease that one fights
for the sake of the peaches and plums.
"
"courageousness comes by surprise,
for a reason that few can surmise.
a madman attacks,
and an usher reacts,
saving dozens of strangers, then dies.
"
"the anglers in boston are odd.
for their neighbors, they've nary a nod.
the lowells will yak
with the haddock and jack,
but the cabots speak only to cod.
"
"a cotyla's shaped like a cup.
it's an organ or cavity. yup,
there's a lot to be found
on the words that abound
in your webster's?try looking 'em up.
"
"the cruisers called heavy and light
are both warships, made ready to fight.
having armor and guns
weighing thousands of tons,
they put sailors in awe at first sight.
"
"when you're down 'cause a confidant fails you,
or your bitterest enemy nails you,
drain a blackjack of bitter,
and don't be a quitter!
(i'm told that it's good for what ales you.)
"
"the books of accounts that we keep
are the cost system?detailed and deep.
all the strippers and booze
on each company cruise
get expensed, and they seldom come cheap!
"
"an anti-shock body's a pod
on the wing of a jet. it looks odd,
but reduces the drag
so an airline can brag
about ""carrots"" that save them a wad.
"
"you're a famous chiropodist, sweet,
treating eva longoria's feet.
she has ravishing toes,
but a man like you knows
the wrong foot to get off on. don't cheat!
"
"he dismissed my concern and dismay,
brushed me off with ""you don't have a say,""
quickly gave me a brush cut,
the new-recruit-rush-cut,
and swept all my dreadlocks away.
"
"in england, the shrubbery's brushed,
but this trimming should never be rushed.
gardeners snipping the edges
of bushes and hedges
must mind that the blooms not get crushed.
"
"""my landscape is brush; woe is me!
it's just scrub vegetation i see!""
says a mongol named bert
who has lived in a yurt
in the gobi since 1903.
"
"there are local armed forces on hand
for the brushfire action we've planned.
it's a small-scale assault
on the rebels to halt
their incursions and take back some land.
"
"in a rush, i've a valid complaint
for this brush-on remover for paint:
it goes on pretty thick
and the bristles all stick
on my brush, so the quickest it ain't.
"
"the bell lap's the last of this race,
and the runners are jostling for space.
here i'm ringing the bell
as they pass?they'd do well
to dig deeper and pick up their pace.
"
"there are worms who possess only tummies.
they inherited this from their mummies.
eating food's all they do
so between me and you,
the acoelomates sure are no dummies!
"
"when i bless myself  now (for the boss),
touching shoulders, i'm oft at a loss.
can't recall which comes first?
right or left? am i cursed
if i mess up the sign of the cross?
"
"on the back roads of texas i wander
from dallas to denton to ponder,
avoiding the crush
of the traffic and rush
of commuters both hither and yonder.
"
"cosmotheists' belief is that god
is the universe?not very odd,
since it seems to imply
they're divine, which is why
i'll be signing up now for their squad!
"
"cosmotheism finds the divine
in the flower, the cloud, and the swine.
god is present and sings
in all creatures and things?
while for me, he sings loudest in wine.
"
"the domain of our count is this county,
where the wrongdoer's head bears a bounty.
so you'd better behave,
'cause the punishment's grave
when the lord gets his knave (like a mountie).
"
"ambages are roundabout ways
of proceeding?for leisurely days.
the circuitous route,
as a rule, doesn't suit
those preferring straightforward forays.
"
"the rainforest's thick leafy growth
hosts two treble-toed ais, and both
(poster creatures for sloth)
will agree to betroth
if they wake up in time for the oath.
"
"a bengali who's febrile and weak
finds it's getting much harder to speak.
when his tongue starts to chap
and it cleaves, he thinks, ""crap!
i've got agrom?i feel like a freak!""
"
"if you're lost in the jungle, then first
opt for fruits as a quencher of thirst.
they're adipsous, which means
they're hydration machines.
stagnant water in ponds? it's the worst!
"
"beneficiation's improvement of chips?
where more bark is removed, so what ships
to the paper mill earns
a good grade as it turns
into pulp for our post-its and slips.
"
"tom brady is sharp as a tack,
flinging passes, avoiding the sack.
there'll be super bowl cheers
for new england?this year's
yet another for pats on the back.
"
"crotone, on italy's boot,
is a city of grecian repute,
where pythagoras founded
his school and propounded
a theorem that's truly astute.
"
"this island? it's corsica (oui!)
in the mediterranean sea.
here the french come to play
(mais c'est ""corse"" en fran?ais),
and what's best? it's sardinian-free!
"
"a liverpool lassie named jenny rode
down a deserted kilkenny road.
she seemed not to care
where it wended, for there
was no doubt she'd get home again, anyroad.
"
"the player referred to as clutch
has the critical magical touch.
he's a gamer?the man
under pressure who can
score the clincher, the winner, and such.
"
"if it's power you seek to attain
and excitement you're after, you'd gain
what you want by consorting
with drug kings and courting
disaster while dealing cocaine.
"
"our country house isn't a mansion,
so this plan means a major expansion:
we'll add a garage,
a fourth bedroom, a lodge,
and a barn?cuz we're takin' up ranchin'!
"
"last night i had nothing to say,
but i thought of a comeback today.
this is afterwit?great
repartee, though too late?
which the french call esprit de l'escalier.
"
"a clam is a mollusk of sorts,
and a claim is asserted in courts,
while a chlamys, or cape,
ancient greeks liked to drape
round the shoulders of boys playing sports.
"
"when our gucci-clad neighbors declare
that they're nudists, and ask if we'd dare
to join in, we say, ""ooh!
we were gonna ask you,
but you looked like a clothes-minded pair.""
"
"we court-martial soldiers who stray
by applying the ucmj.
we won't ask (or expect
you to tell) if you've necked
with your buddy, or whether you're gay.
"
"a champertor helps in a suit,
takes one side in a legal dispute.
he'll assist either party
and, being a smarty,
gets paid with a cut of the loot.
"
"it's a line of descent for you, lad:
from my father, through me, to your dad.
what's agnatic will run
from a man, through his son,
to his grandson?that's you, and i'm glad.
"
"a miner makes plans to increase
his production by changing a piece
of his sluice, so he'll pore
over more of the ore.
he's enlarging the gate and coulisse.
"
"my spitz gets a case of the fits
when his canine hysteria hits.
he has spasms, convulsions,
and sudden compulsions
to roll in his kibbles 'n bits.
"
"the auties and aspies stand proud
and refuse to be ""cured"" or be cowed:
""stop the slander and slights?
give us autism rights!""
cries the neurodiversity crowd.
"
"a hard-working seamstress named jo
from our sweatshop decided to go
to the market to buy
antiperspirant. why?
someone told her, ""you reek when you sew.""
"
"jack bruce was on vocals and bass;
ginger baker played drums, keeping pace.
but cream had a star
singing lead, on guitar:
eric clapton, by far, was its ace.
"
"here's a tip if you missed the publicity
for a fiber of proven toxicity.
though asbestos is cheap,
and it's flameproof, you'll reap
many woes from its vile asbesticity.
"
"on display in the woods at each curve
is our little red riding hood's verve,
as she cheerfully skips
toward a wolf licking lips
over grandma?a dainty hors d'oeuvre.
"
"on thursday my dachshund will play,
while it's friday that thrills my shar-pei.
my setter likes sunday.
my malamute? monday.
each dog, as they say, has his day.
"
"i'm a cabbie. last night in my hack,
three consecutive fares back to back
to back: john mccain,
king juan carlos of spain,
and some seven-foot giant named shaq.
"
"with this versatile tool, you can clench
and assemble a mail-order bench.
but i rotated nuts
all day long, like a putz,
with a broken adjustable wrench!
"
"""the divorce will be fair to each side,
with a split of your assets."" i tried,
but i couldn't stop thinkin'
of watchin' a lincoln
mark iv continental divide.
"
"you just give me the grumps. here's a plea
from your down-in-the-dumps counselee:
might you offer me guidance
and ask my abidance
more nicely?say, stridency-free?
"
"from a loom comes a sheet that is greige
to a dyer of cloth from li?ge
who employs a technique?
a design in batik?
where he waxes and colors it beige.
"
"since the highlander's backside was purple,
the doctor suspected a herpal
infection, but no?
seems the scot liked to go
to a prossie who paddled his curple.
"
"a coucal's a ground-living creature,
a bird with a singular feature:
the daggerlike claw
on this cuckoo can awe,
even more than the caw of a screecher.
"
"let this corsican moss come to terms
with your nasty intestinal worms.
it's an alga that has
anthelmintic pizzazz,
ending parasites' squiggles and squirms.
"
"though you're loath to undress in this weather,
and you're cold in the regions called nether,
hey, we always get stewed
new year's eve in the nude
to be viewed in the (rude) altogether.
"
"when you crawl in that bedroll, beware
of the vaunted nocturnal corsair.
this reduviid bug
is a bloodsucking thug,
with a bite that brings pain and despair.
"
"for the warm-blooded human, this term (ick!)
means slicing his homeothermic
integument thin
so a book's bound with skin:
bibliopegy, anthropodermic.
"
"on cathay pacific, i fly
from taipei to hanoi to chiang mai.
it's the airline i choose
when through asia i cruise?
not on water, but up in the sky.
"
"the b-2 was a bomber with fame
before anyone knew it by name.
an invisible plane
using stealth? that's insane!
now the spirit has earned its acclaim.
"
"since their strategy countered the moves
that we made last we played, it behooves
us to forge, if we can,
an unbeatable plan?
one the coach likes so much he approves.
"
"when we cotise the bends, that refines
the escutcheon, enhancing its lines.
narrow stripes on the pales
and the bars?such details
are the stuff of heraldic designs.
"
"on the chesapeake bay, i'm in luck,
finding dozens of oysters to shuck.
and the wildlife's profuse,
from the canada goose
to the elegant canvasback duck.
"
"if your verse isn't ogden nashesque,
it will suffer when crossing her desk.
so abandon all hope
ye who enter here?cope
with the empress becoming dantesque.
"
"v.i. lenin's renown hasn't spread,
so this commie's been keeping his head.
when he speaks to a crowd
at the kremlin, they're wowed?
and so loud that it dazes the red.
"
"a wristwatch that melts into jelly.
a bagel and lox on a telly.
a daub of cream cheese
on a nude woman's knees.
it's a painting by salvador deli!
"
"a delphian doorkeeper, noah,
was ogling a dame in a boa,
when robbers slipped by
with the oracle's eye.
seems that no one was minding the stoa.
"
"dick nixon refused to talk straight,
and this fact helped determine his fate.
he deceived us aplenty,
resigned, and then twenty
years later was lying in state.
"
"a message comes over the transom?
they're holding my hubby for ransom!
i freak till i see
they're describing my wee,
pallid casper as tall, dark, and handsome.
"
"when his grades averaged only a d,
the young fahrenheit said, ""let me be.
yes, i dawdle in school,
but i'm nobody's fool,
so don't worry?i'll get my degree.""
"
"a belle in rehoboth is wel.
of the need to ensure that her fel.
the finest of clothes
and look dapper, like beaux
of her foes up in wilmington, del.
"
"the aggrievance i'm planning to file
is legit, so you'd better not smile.
my complaint is you guys
have been ogling my thighs
now that hot pants are back and in style.
"
"cosmologic affairs are, to me,
fundamentally clear as can be:
the whole universe came
into being?the same
as it's now?in 4000 bc.
"
"despite my elite education,
geography's still a frustration.
so it's holland that's known
for its dikes, not gabon?
and all grade-schoolers know that? damnation!
"
"daily dozens, as all of us know,
keep us healthy and fit and aglow.
so i start every day
in this disciplined way:
""twelve vanilla cream donuts to go!""
"
"ahmadinejad asks for a day
touring frisco, our town by the bay.
if we schedule it right,
he'll be spending the night
at the castro street ymca.
"
"""that shrew is a girl i could date,""
said petruchio, angling to mate.
""or perhaps i should lure
someone shy and demure.
yes, it's time now to fish or butt kate.""
"
"said the doc, ""it's your tear glands, miss hall.
they won't turn themselves off. still and all,
with your dacryorrhea,
we're likely to see a
new belle of the debutante bawl.""
"
"i've polished my polka routine;
it's the cleanest that anyone's seen.
among poles who get down
at the clubs here in town,
i'm renowned as a danzig machine.
"
"every night lady chatterley's gone
to the garden, returning at dawn.
she's a dame having fun
with the gamekeeper, un-
expurgatedly getting it on.
"
"corti's organ's not something you play
to make music. it's tissue, they say,
that resides in the ear
and allows you to hear
any sounds that are coming your way.
"
"in denmark, i watch as a blonde
eats a sundae (i'm sensing a bond).
so i ask for a bite
of her cherry, but quite
unimpressed, she won't dane to respond.
"
"a claim-jumper vents his disdain
for a miner who's sued him in maine:
""if you hadn't'a quit
that magnesium pit,
dannemorite you'd have to complain.""
"
"corticium fungi include
many species that ravage our food,
like potatoes and lettuce,
which doesn't upset us,
but coffee? that's serious, dude!
"
"cosmographic descriptions provide
aper?us of the world: they're a guide
to its general laws?
not specifics because
those aren't easy to master. (i've tried.)
"
"tiny flaws were the cause of the fact
that we lacked big applause for our act.
so we thought about brushing
it up, and were rushing
to fix it when (ack!) we got sacked!
"
"it's a lung's and a honeycomb's cell,
and a pit in the stomach, as well.
it's a socket your fang
can fit into, then hang,
and a bowl in a belemnite's shell.
"
"the agarics are mushrooms we call
cortinarious, given that all,
from their stems to their caps,
have cortinae, those scraps
that hang down like a shredded-up shawl.
"
"the control tower comes into view,
then a runway and hangar or two.
we're a minute away
from the airdrome and pray
that our fuel, down to fumes, gets us through.
"
"there's a tree on the banks of the rhine
called the corsican fir, larch, or pine.
it's an evergreen?rich
in a resin from which
we make burgundy pitch (not a wine).
"
"in a  backbend, you're standing in place
and then arching your back, so your face
looks behind, with your hands
on the floor. it demands
a gymnastic physique, if not grace.
"
"at the tempting of fate i'm a master?
a guy who likes courting disaster.
when i'm filled with disdain
for a judge, i make plain
i'm insane?i just stand up and blast her.
"
"hurling missiles and stones at the fort,
this ballista provides us support.
we attackers adore
fancy engines of war.
send some more and the siege will be short.
"
"this isn't a practical joke;
i'm a scammer of gullible folk.
there's a cat, not a hog,
in this bag that i flog,
so they're buying a pig in a poke.
"
"as they slog through the swamps behind tanks,
the marines are in mud to their flanks.
every jarhead agrees
about marshes like these:
if you ask him, it's ""thanks, but no danks!""
"
"in the armpit, a network of nerves
(one thoracic, four cervical) serves,
on occasion, to vex us.
my brachial plexus
complains when i try to throw curves.
"
"i'm a man who routinely inspects
what i hide with my private effects.
i like seeing the flash
of the jewelry i stash
in the place where i also cache checks.
"
"there's a rice bran that groceries stock
in manila, but not round the clock.
folks who want to ensure
their supplies are secure
every day get a piece of darak.
"
"they get sick from the sulfurous smell,
and the heat is oppressive, as well.
all the sinners who schlep through
this stygian depth rue
the choices that damned them to hell.
"
"for santa, 'twas all going well
till he slipped on the rooftop and fell.
after banging the chimney,
he now has a grim knee:
a partially torn acl.
"
"the aussie steve irwin appears,
with his saurian pals, to our cheers.
we're the tourists and fans
at the top of the stands
that are known as the ""crocodile tiers.""
"
"as our activated guard units know,
in iraq they'll be stars of the show.
call 'em up, make 'em train,
ship 'em out,  feel the pain,
bring 'em back, then again off they go.
"
"when i dandle my boy on my knee
after bathing, he chortles in glee.
but i'm not gonna dare
toss him up in the air,
'cause i don't want my hair full of pee.
"
"the colonizationists fought
for a cause: black americans ought
to return to the lands
whence they came?which still stands
as a model of bigoted  thought.
"
"i'm brushing my horse on the lawn
as a part of his training each dawn.
these sprints at top speed
across grass help my steed?
it's the surface the derby is on.
"
"i'm supposed to be feeling some guilt
'cause i stepped on the castle you built?
don't go bawling to dad;
he'll just tell you, ""too bad.
we don't cry over milk that is spilt.""
"
"my power, obtained by divinatory
methods, is threatening?minatory.
for the sins i've committed,
i'm soon to be fitted
with hair shirts?they're scratchy and crinitory.
"
"two bread makers dawdle. it's slow.
yadda, yadda. what's coming? don't know.
yes, it gets a bit old
with the action on hold.
seems they're waiting (we're told) for good dough.
"
"in damascus, the folks are delirious:
they've heard that an odd and mysterious
international sport
must be theirs?a report
on tv mentions baseball's world syria's.
"
"danny thomas was eating panada
with pals at a spanish posada,
when he noticed man ray
had no seat and said, ""hey,
let's scoot over and make room for dada.""
"
"in turkey, a gay from the states
is dismayed he can't find any dates.
so he chooses a cruise
over water, then rues,
""dardanelles? i'm surrounded by straits!""
"
"the looks and the habits of chaps
are, in england, referred to as daps.
my fashion is such
i don't change them that much:
thirty years, more or less, must elapse.
"
"rodney dangerfield's toasting the groom
at the wedding and working the room:
""when my bride said 'i do,'
my best man said 'me too.'
no respect."" (ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.)
"
"since her pony can't be any duller,
the prissy young maiden maud muller
is pissed; so this twerp'll
be painting its curple
(the rump) a bright purple in color.
"
"this credit's a double-edged sword:
we charge what we cannot afford.
it seems orgiastic
to put it on plastic.
might this be our vinyl reward?
"
"in the genus called cotinus are trees,
on the small side, and shrubs that can please,
like the smoke trees whose flowers
now bloom in my bowers
and beckon the birds and the bees.
"
"the edelweiss, heather, and rose
are alpestrine, which means that each grows
at high altitude?peeking
from mountainsides, seeking
some sun in their summer repose.
"
"the snake tells the lord: ""let me stay
to ensure eve and adam won't stray.
as a medical proctor,
i'll watch them?a doctor,
they say, keeps the apple away.""
"
"allegoric, the bible transcends
what the literal man comprehends.
there's a numinous sense?
cabalistic, intense?
that its author divinely intends
"
"ammonoidean cephalopods
from extinct tetrabranchia squads
are now fossilized shells,
and the story each tells
seems at odds with the biblical god's.
"
"amaritude: tartness of taste,
like the bite of a lemony paste
or a horehound mint sucker
that makes your lips pucker.
this quality's bitterness-based.
"
"i'm a dork, i don't date, i don't dance.
i'm unschooled in the ways of romance.
so, instead, i've been posting
in chat rooms and boasting
of conquests (while wearing no pants).
"
"a brachial break is alarming,
an accident common in farming.
a thresher can trim,
say, a hand from a limb
so it's shorter?that's sorta disarming.
"
"in delhi, i'm looking askance
at the dals on my plate, when a glance
from my indian date
helps determine their fate:
i decide that i'll give peas a chance.
"
"barack, the most dashing of gallants,
battled hillary's blue-collar talents.
he was seen as elite,
so some feared that he'd meet
with defeat?'twas a delegate balance.
"
"she'll come out at a dance in the fall,
and can't wait for the swains she'll enthrall.
but this teen doesn't know
that she's signed up to go
to the lesbian debutante ball.
"
"so you're dabbling in limericks today!
well, the empress has rules to obey:
if your verses don't scan,
they'll get tossed in the can.
on this point you can't meter halfway.
"
"i purchased a chevy caprice,
a sedan, for my favorite niece.
it had four-on-the-floor?
and its horsepower? more
than the cruisers of local police.
"
"in the gulf of alaska, the flow
of this current is steady and slow.
counterclockwise it moves,
a direction that proves?
nothing much to your average joe blow.
"
"the hospital gallery's full
of physicians?and students with pull.
in the space down below
is the surgical show,
where the doctors are shooting the bull.
"
"losing power while landing, he's miffed,
so the pilot's reaction is swift.
with the airflow that wraps
around wings and their flaps,
he can give the plane much-needed lift.
"
"cabe?a is indian silk.
it's the finest, in fact, of its ilk;
but in goa, beware
buying fabrics?while there,
i once purchased a fake from a bilk.
"
"bunsen burners and test tubes? well done!
now our work on the skylab's begun.
soon we'll sample a trace
of a comet in space.
cosmochemistry's gonna be fun!
"
"when i brushed up against him today,
touching lightly while passing his way,
and i noticed him blush,
i was caught in a rush
of excitement and feeling risqu?.
"
"as for bottom rot, here's what it's not:
a decubitus ulcer?that spot
called a bedsore. no, please,
it's a fungal disease
that makes lettuce look somewhat like snot.
"
"coruscatingly witty, he shines;
on each topic he brightly opines.
he's so dazzlingly smart
that he's captured my heart...
(i've had nine of these blackberry wines.)
"
"it's a tiny depression or pit
on a plant or a fungus, to wit:
an alveola's kin
to a hole in your skin
and a bit like a pock from a zit.
"
"cosmogonical thinkers abound,
seeking fame for the fact that they've found
how the universe came
into being. my claim?
the creator was dog (he's a hound).
"
"if you're building an arch, here's the way:
first the imposts, then each coussinet;
the voussoirs go on top,
curving inward; then stop
with the keystone, and call it a day.
"
"corticifugal axons begin
at the cerebral cortex, within.
then like tendrils that sprout,
they extend to without,
where their counterpart nerve fibers spin.
"
"corticipetal axons arise
from outside of the cortex that lies
in the cerebrum, sending
it impulses ending
within?to, at times, our surprise.
"
"in coulometry, copper is made
from its sulfate, then measured and weighed.
a coulometer totes
up the current and notes
the amount?see the coulombs displayed.
"
"corti's arches give shape to the tunnels
comprising our organs: they're funnels
of sorts, in each ear,
that permit us to hear
both the rushing and rippling of runnels.
"
"a croustade is a shell or a puff
in which bakers put minces and stuff.
as for those filled with fruit?
shoot, there ain't no dispute?
it's of these i just can't get enough!
"
"out of shape? if i may, let me broach
an ameliorative approach:
cut the carbs, join a gym?
that should help you to slim.
if you still don't improve, get a coach.
"
"i was challenged to rhyme the word indigo.
'twas a test that impelled me (chagrinned) to go
booze with a friend,
and so here's what i penned
just a while (when three sheets to the wind) ago.
"
"conservatives claim there's a war
being waged by the liberal corps:
""they'll make christmas a word
never uttered or heard
in the public domain anymore!""
"
"a bubbleheaded man is a fool:
simple, silly, or dumb, and a tool.
if he's tutored, he might
see the light?get it right,
but the chances are slight, as a rule.
"
"for years he has constantly slumbered,
by perceptible thoughts unencumbered.
we're pulling the plug
on this comatose lug,
so the days of his daze are now numbered.
"
"those are swifts in the cedars (not rooks),
since their feet are, in essence, their hooks.
like an avian raiment,
they're clinging, adhamant,
to bark, drawing birdwatchers' looks.
"
"it's a costule, a ridge or a knurl
on a shell, like this mother-of-pearl:
that's a beautiful pattern,
like rings around saturn,
and certain to win you the girl.
"
"taking caduet daily, i know
my cholesterol levels are low.
made by pfizer, it's new?
not just one drug, but two!
it's a modern-day medicine show.
"
"the mahogany knife here displayed
has a thin and elongated blade.
it's a cream-slice?employed
by my grandfather floyd
to cut ice cream my grandmother made.
"
"bryophylla are succulent plants
that your livestock might munch on by chance.
being toxic, they're quick
to make animals sick,
so inspect all your fields in advance.
"
"co-conspirators, named or unnamed
in indictments, are rarely ashamed.
many cook up a scheme
that's illegal, then scream
through their lawyers, ""i shouldn't be blamed!""
"
"in the solomon islands, have fun
on choiseul?it's the northernmost one.
there are dugongs and ducks,
while the sea turtle mucks
in the mangroves and basks in the sun.
"
"add-on services: customers pay
for the extras they use every day.
our hotel has a spa,
gym and pool, so hurrah!
now enjoy your exorbitant stay.
"
"along those lines is a phrase we've defined
to mean this: ""of a similar kind.""
we might use it when buying
a car and we're trying
to say we've not made up our mind.
"
"a weed (alternanthera) clogs
our floridian channels and bogs,
where it's floating in masses
of dense, tangled grasses
while hiding the gators and frogs.
"
"many bards suffer sadness sublime
when they dwell on the lack of a rhyme
for the tricky word silver.
this verse, then, may thrill ver-
sifiers who give it their time.
"
"though the car-buying gurus suggest
many dozens of things you should test,
i'm a coke-drinking man
and a cupholder fan:
if one's handy, forget all the rest.
"
"madonna embraced the cabala;
on sabbaths she prayed and ate challah.
this material girl
gave the mystics a whirl,
then returned to the almighty dollah.
"
"to buttonhold someone, you grab
at his button and hold as you gab.
or instead find a hole
in his jacket. your goal?
slip your finger inside?but don't jab!
"
"a unique phycomycete may seek
to make prospects for cucumbers bleak.
that soft watery rot's
from a fungus?those spots
are foretokens of cottony leak.
"
"dr. awkward's a maladroit doc
with the physical grace of a rock,
but what brings her acclaim?
her reversible name?
back and forth, it's the same. that's no crock!
"
"the courtier tempted, pursued,
or sought favor?but never was rude.
any man with this forte
(not just those at the court)
was so viewed by the woman he wooed.
"
"""the blood in the brachial vein
flows from elbow to armpit. explain.""
it's my take-home exam
in anatomy. damn!
now it's draining the blood from my brain.
"
"since an adscript is bound to the land,
he submits to each new lord's demand.
what a pity this serf,
who has come with the turf,
has to grind on the ground for the grand.
"
"a costrel holds whiskey or beer,
and a cord can be passed though each ear,
so it's easy to lug
and unplug for a slug
if you're needing a boost or some cheer.
"
"a bang-up cosmography sketches
the order of nature and stretches
the breadth of the knowledge
of those taught in college
as well as us poorly-schooled wretches.
"
"an aftercast's fashioned in plaster,
from a permanent mold, by a caster.
this impression's exact?
as a matter of fact,
you can use it to make a new master.
"
"although notables sing a cappella,
like the vocalists ella and della,
even voices that good,
unaccompanied, would
be like pizza without mozzarella.
"
"a journeyman shortstop named riggs
had continuous triple-a  gigs,
playing twenty-two years
in the minors to cheers.
he was never called up to the bigs.
"
"the paternity test that i had
made it clear i'm a two-timing cad.
the result may appear
in the papers, i fear.
(will that make me a classified dad?)
"
"a corporate executive brags
of a life filled with junk bonds and jags.
if the market should crash,
it's goodbye to the cash:
he'll be going from riches to rags.
"
"""that bastard just called me a priss!
can he be more affrontive than this?""
""well, a much more intense
type of verbal offense
would be boasting he's bonking your sis.""
"
"a blow or a shot in return
is a counterstroke?something you'll earn
by attacking me first
(and if worse comes to worst,
your survival may be a concern).
"
"academic administrators rule
at a uni or college or school.
being viewed by some teachers
as meddlesome creatures,
they're frequently played for the fool.
"
"i'm a morgue fan and toot-my-own-horner.
i could deal with the dead and the mourner ?
if i make up my face,
can i work in this place?
can i paint myself into a coroner?
"
"i've been listening all morning to seth,
who has yakked, without taking a breath,
on the tides and the roars
of the water that pours
up the bay. man, he bores me to death!
"
"our baby has taken to crawling
the times he's not eating or bawling.
he motors with ease
on his hands and his knees,
and we're pleased he finds floor work enthralling.
"
"the crawling of paint on the wall
is unsightly?such lumping can gall
when we stop to consider
we went with the bidder
whose price was the highest of all.
"
"a boxing glove covers the fist
of a boxer, right up to the wrist.
it is one of a pair
today's pugilists wear,
now that bare-knuckle fights don't exist.
"
"""i'm a person who's little,"" says bridget.
""not a dandiprat, pygmy, or midget.
yeah, my fingers are short,
but be careful there, sport,
or get flipped by my medial digit.""
"
"the call went out hither and yon
from the king to his vassals: ""come on!
grab your lances and bows!
we must battle our foes!""
so it goes with an arri?re-ban.
"
"being summoned from hither and yon,
frenchmen gathered with speed and ?lan.
the sun king's alarm
led his vassals to arm
in a powerful arri?re-ban.
"
"corticiform growth is like bark
on a maple or oak in the park?
or my rough-textured skin
(to my shame and chagrin),
so i dress and undress in the dark.
"
"coefficients and factors are two
of the units, we're told, that will do
as a measure of light
that's absorbed by a site
or a surface. (it's dark in this loo!)
"
"absorptivity measures the sound
that a surface sucks up from around.
if it's quiet in here,
none reflects to the ear.
if it's not, then a lot will rebound.
"
"though it's spicy and hot and i worry
that, after i eat it, i'll hurry
away to the loo
as it passes on through
into poo, still i do favor curry.
"
"gil samples some poop from coxsackie
to study a virus?no quack, he
discovers right quick
what makes humans so sick:
a disease-causing agent, by cracky!
"
"the style and the fashion of wear?
the habiliments, jewelry, and hair?
of a period, class,
or locality pass
for the costume its people all share.
"
"all things to all people he's not;
still he's pandered and promised a lot.
if he gets to be prez,
he won't do as he says
about chickens in everyone's pot.
"
"the condition cryptitis is one
of the topics the sheepish might shun:
anal crypts get inflamed,
and the victim's ashamed
to discuss it, so nothing gets done.
"
"a washington lawyer on k street
(the lobbyist's paying-to-play street)
is buying up blocks
of canadian stocks
on toronto's exchange, i.e., bay street.
"
"we're amoving the chairman from office;
once ousted and gone, let him scoff us!
we put up with this jerk
for too long?we won't work
for a man who keeps trying to boff us.
"
"at my bank, how's the wise-cracking guard
got me laughing? it ain't all that hard:
""this entitles the holder
to cry on my shoulder,""
it says on his courtesy card.
"
"she's a lady of pleasure who's hot?
a cosmopolite, tart, and cocotte.
she's an earthy, urbane,
worldly demimondaine.
it's insane, but we're tying the knot.
"
"it's june, and for jittery jeannie,
who's planning to wear a bikini,
it's hard to relax
as she's getting a wax
of her hair way down there?a betweeny.
"
"brushing up on my golf game is fun.
i've been testing my clubs one by one,
taking swings as i play
round the house for that day
on the links when my polishing's done.
"
"cost analyses garner much praise
from accountants and new mbas.
one that studied the factors
of spending on tractors
induced us to purchase more drays.
"
"you have anabohitsite in stock?
this pyroxenite-olivine rock
will become my new pet?
a possession i'm set
to appreciate, pamper, and grok.
"
"the cosmographer studies the whole,
not a part of the world, with this goal:
to give lectures in schools
on the order and rules
of the cosmos?and stay off the dole.
"
"it relates to and limits the verb
in the sentence, ""i clearly disturb.""
that adverbial word
on occasion is heard
with an adjective: ""clearly superb!""
"
"corticosterone's something they take
from your cortex (adrenal) or make?
a synthetic from labs.
if it strengthened the abs,
it would be in my strawberry shake.
"
"in india, coulsonite's found
in the ore that they pull from the ground.
it's magnetite's kin,
vanadoan, not tin.
to a steelmaking country it's bound.
"
"4-h'ers are kids for whom farms
have such healthy and heartwarming charms
that their hands and their heads
(through support from the feds)
do the work. there's no twisting of arms.
"
"though our orchestra earns much repute
for its concerts that feature the lute,
there are fans who revere
the recorder and cheer
when my blockfl?te toots, like a flute.
"
"cyclosporeae once was a class
of brown algae, an ocean-grown grass.
now fucales, this order
of gulfweeds in water
gives shelter to rockfish and bass.
"
"it's a two-man surrealist rally,
racing cars over mountain and valley.
magritte speeds away
without any delay,
leaving laggardly salvador dally.
"
"i've a fistful of filberts to eat,
from the hazel?its fruit is my meat.
that's the nut-bearing tree
(genus corylus) we
have to thank for this flavorful treat.
"
"to ms. palin, all book learning's cheap,
so this candidate's knowledge ain't deep:
""i don't need to know stuff
for the job?it's enough
that joe six-packs want me as their veep.""
"
"though a buck sergeant's not of high rank
in the army, one's driving our tank.
just three stripes on his arm,
still he keeps us from harm,
so each day he's the sarge that we thank.
"
"in my chemistry class, i've grown fond
of my partner, a pretty young blonde.
just as atoms like sharing
electrons when pairing,
we two have a covalent bond.
"
"most folks, after coughing up phlegm,
tend to swallow discreetly. (""ahem!"")
but some teens find it fitting
for hawking and spitting:
""this loogie's the cr?me de la cr?me.""
"
"it's a pine, a coniferous tree,
bearing needles in bundles of three.
california is home
to the coulter. (this poem
is a kilmer-like tribute from me.)
"
"amanitin's a peptide in 'shrooms
like the death cap, but not in legumes.
it's so toxic, it's said,
half a cap and you're dead.
it's a poison no wise man consumes.
"
"on the gold coast, the agni speak kwa;
that's a language like ibo and ga.
the ashanti are kin,
and west africa's been
home to both: abidjan to accra.
"
"public works don't come cheap, big or small,
so cost overruns bother us all.
when the estimates say
it's ten million we'll pay,
and it's twice that, then heads oughta fall!
"
"make a brush as you dance with your beau:
that's a stroke on the floor with your toe,
or the sole of your shoe,
or the heel. take your cue
from his lead?simply go with the flow.
"
"when a substance is said to advene
to another, it's part of the scene?
not essential, perhaps,
though it now and then caps
something off or affords it a sheen.
"
"if you're reading the classified ads,
you will notice each column has scads
of these lines to the inch.
fourteen agates? i squinch
like a nearsighted geezer. egads!
"
"his coruscant and glittering wit
makes him often, at parties, the hit.
but i beg your indulgence:
despite his refulgence,
to me he's a nattering twit.
"
"there's a lump in my throat as i speak
i'm emotional, choked up, and weak.
the doc's diagnosis?
actinomycosis.
i'm up that proverbial creek.
"
"cosmozoic hypotheses say
that terrestrial life came this way
on a comet or meteor
(or time warp?much speedier).
scientologists think this. oy, vey!
"
"i filled up a jar with my pee,
which was tested, and now they want three!
seeing too much albumin,
my doc is assumin'
i'm albuminuric?dear me!
"
"grown for timber, as light as can be,
the cortez is a panama tree.
the tibourbou (its name
in brazil) gets its fame
for jangadas that sail on the sea.
"
"when i assay the ore near the loch,
its potassium level's a shock
(and its sodium, too).
it's alkalic?a clue
that i'm dealing with igneous rock.
"
"a witchetty grub (genus cossus)
has tickled an aussie's proboscis.
the larva's as big
as a potbellied pig,
so the moth's gonna be a colossus!
"
"sixty-five is the new fifty-two?
well, that birthday is here, and i'm blue.
every year i get younger,
not older, and hunger
for agedness. what can i do?
"
"the coryneform shape of these rods
is irregular, branching like prods.
they're corynebacterial
(thank god not venereal!),
and look like diphtheria's squads.
"
"in fifty-five fiction, you write
a short story that's pithy and tight:
beginning to middle
to ending?don't twiddle.
you've fifty-five words to delight.
"
"some measures of costliness turn
not on price, but on scorn that you earn.
jacko's face lifts weren't cheap,
but he looks like a creep
and gets mocked despite money to burn.
"
"a famed scandinavian sculler
thinks blonde couldn't be any duller,
so he's dyeing his hair
peacock-blue to declare,
""i'm a norse of a different color.""
"
"it's a day trip?i ride and she drives?
to the dock. when the captain arrives,
we go out on his boat,
don our gear, then devote
the whole day to the laze of our dives.
"
"the costlier choice is the one
where you pay a lot more for your fun.
""i'm not buying the cow
when the milk's free,"" i vow.
says her dad, ""son, i'm holding a gun.""
"
"when grammarians golf with their peers,
they'll imbibe a few cases of beers.
so accidence happens,
and even the tap-ins
are missed midst the voices and cheers.
"
"in the caves of ajanta, i start
a foray into buddhism's heart.
there are paintings in halls
that world heritage calls
""universal pictorial art.""
"
"arizonans say heat there is dry?
that's the secret that helps them get by.
but whether or no
the humidity's low,
at a hundred and twenty, they fry!
"
"a young senator jumped in the fray;
he's the democrat running today.
will this talented dark horse
who's steering a star course
be president? many say nay.
"
"the english sack caen, then advance
on cr?cy and the forces of france.
it's the hundred years war,
and king edward will roar
in this battle of longbow and lance.
"
"their counting is strictly methodic
but musical?far from spasmodic.
bert and ernie are swinging
with numbers while singing
two tunes that are  countermelodic.
"
"charolais have been cross-bred with brahman
for a beef cattle not that uncommon:
it's charbray, whose meat
is a sumptuous treat?
great to eat in a stew or with ramen.
"
"this inventor was hyper, outr?;
couldn't rest in his quest for a way
to put silver on plates
and make photos. his mates
all considered daguerre a type a.
"
"my affectedness? oh, what a show!
artificial as hell, don'tcha know?
i like putting on airs,
and i don't mind the stares
when i holler, ""gar?on! more bordeaux!""
"
"the pyramidal tract's in my spine:
motor fibers (four columns, not nine),
running right down the cord,
carry signals (i'm bored)
to roll over from prone to supine.
"
"need a place to go cruising on yachts
in july when you're ready to plotz?
for these dog-day vacations,
i've heard the dalmatian's
a coast that has hundreds of spots.
"
"john roberts attempted to deacon
the oath as obama was speakin',
but he moved a key word,
so the president erred?
and i heard many lawyers were freakin'.
"
"getting down on my knee, i say, ""dear,
since my love and devotion are clear,
will you marry me, please?""
she says, ""maybe?but, jeez,
we just met! are you new around here?""
"
"in the trawler, the fishermen talk
as they pull in the net by the balk.
this rope on the top
of the net was a stop,
just a moment before, for an auk.
"
"how'd the head of olympus seduce
the young dana?? myth says a ruse.
yet it strikes me as odd
to refer to this god
with the phrase ""golden showers of zeus.""
"
"first he's late for the date with his belle.
adding insult to injury? well,
he complains that the grill
she's selected serves swill,
so he will spend an evening in hell.
"
"""as above"" is what's meant by co. sa.
(and ut supra, as well), so hurrah!
with such little-known phrases,
the pedant amazes
his friends and gets praises. voil?!
"
"for dad, we're betwixt and between
on that damnable casket routine:
leave it open or shut
at the service? just what
we've decided remains to be seen.
"
"i'll adopt a cosmetical view
of your face and examine the hue
of your cheeks when you rush
and you rest, but wear blush.
in each case, they get redder. who knew?
"
"darwinian theory ain't sound;
there's no way it gets off of the ground.
but, oh lord, if it does,
we're in trouble, because
all our kids'll just monkey around.
"
"i'm a pedant?a fussy demander
of syntax that doesn't meander.
i'm a stickler for rules,
and if taunted by fools,
then it's up i'll be getting my dander.
"
"the election is over; let's dance some.
obama has won. yes we can! some
have started to notice
we now have a potus
who's actually tall, dark, and handsome.
"
"my pop was a son of a gun,
a philanderer second to none.
i felt bad for my ma,
till she told me, ""your pa?
he just thinks he's your daddy, my son.""
"
"this dandruff shampoo is a blast,
and, as promised, it really works fast.
at my poetry classes,
i'm asked by the lasses:
""oh, where are the snows of the past?""
"
"so you're willing to suffer deprival
by leaving the spoils to your rival?
this darwinian rule
speaks to loser and fool:
for defeatists, there ain't no  survival.
"
"if a specter is haunting your hall
or a wraith has you climbing the wall,
there's a ghostbuster crew
with a liquified goo
that will dampen your spirits?just call!
"
"in harlem, he dons a dashiki,
then drains a three-pointer?how cheeky!
obama's campaigning
for prez and refraining
from anything reeking of ""geeky.""
"
"either challah or hallah, i've read,
is how jews spell this yeast-leavened bread,
which they braid and then bake,
but must wait to partake
until after the motzi is said.
"
"an apple tree stands resolute
on the bank of a river?each root
gripping ground now awash
in a flood-driven slosh
round its trunk and its low-hanging fruit.
"
"ammonium once was the name
of a town and oasis of fame
where an oracle spoke
to egyptians and folk.
alexander the great even came!
"
"a darshan adhered to a code?
a nutritional line that he toed.
""only yeast-leavened bread
on the sabbath!"" he said.
""that's the day i have pie hallah mode.""
"
"""with that pungent ammonia smell
and a chem lab this noisy,"" i yell,
""nh4 and its plus
cause a terrible fuss!""
seems i've just panned ammonium. hell!
"
"additionality: countries get funds
by this rule, but it's only the ones
who are willing to match
the eu?that's the catch?
for the projects it typically runs.
"
"ethiopia's highlands are where
the amhara still live and forbear.
for three decades, a war
with the country next door
brought these people both death and despair.
"
"the alco is long-haired and small,
and its pendulous ears can enthrall.
south america's home
to this dog?get a comb
and a vac if one's coming to call.
"
"these dirt-dwelling, rod-shaped bacteria
make your cattle so sick it'll weary ya.
they're actinomyces,
which generate crises
as bad as the vile calf diphtheria.
"
"i'm a rancher in need of relief:
calf diphtheria's causing me grief.
with this scourge on the go
through my herd, there are no
cafeterias buying my beef.
"
"al jazeera's top artist retired,
and a danish cartoonist was hired.
soon the readership grew
(and the profits did, too),
till a little snafu got him fired.
"
"four men in subservient roles
bear a prince in a litter on poles.
in this indian dandi
you'd never find gandhi,
the humblest and gentlest of souls.
"
"says a braggart (who's out of his gourd):
""with this blade the queen made me a lord!""
he's at every parade
with his saber displayed,
so we've dubbed it his ""dub-alleged sword.""
"
"touring india? see rajasthani
abodes?rent a hut in gangani.
as it's been in times past,
you will find just one caste
in these hamlets the natives call dhani.
"
"to college bud took all his junk?
and it spilled to the floor from his trunk.
when his roommate attacked,
""it's a mess here!"" bud cracked,
""that's not fact! there's no junk on de bunk!""
"
"see the t-shirts emblazoned with che?
that's a name that appeals to this day
to the marxist (rebel!
revolution! fidel!),
selling well for its leftist cachet.
"
"as a dyed-in-the-wool congregationalist,
i'm antitransubstantiationalist.
bread and wine turns to christ?
nothing claimed has sufficed
to convince me it isn't sensationalist.
"
"a baby bump's something we see
on a blossoming mother-to-be.
her abdominal swelling,
now showing, is telling
us all: ""that's how two becomes three.""
"
"for the liver a choline's essential.
with acetyl-, it's more influential:
it helps your synapses
and obviates lapses
in coverage you have with prudential.
"
"obama starts braggin' on nafta?
a silly deceit that draws lafta.
mccain tells iran,
""can we talk? yes, we can!""
can these looney tunes get any dafta?
"
"their army's admoving our fort,
charging hard, and the time is now short.
all the gates have been shut.
it's my ad?move your butt.
one more point and we're clearing this court!
"
"a tern and a bank beaver totter,
near death on a cliff over water,
when the bird saves the day!
that's the reason i say
one good tern ain't disserving an otter.
"
"my hairline's receded a lot,
and my tonsure's a fast-growing spot.
says my wife, ""all your fretting
is nonsense; you're getting,
in fact, balderdashingly hot.""
"
"i was only a kid about three
when my father decided to flee,
leaving mom on her own
with my big sister joan
and another abandonee?me!
"
"he will take off his gloves on the hill,
fighting bare-knuckle battles with skill.
unrelenting and fierce
is republican pierce:
pulling punches is not on the bill.
"
"was jane russell's artistic ?clat
what got fellas to say ""ooh-la-la""?
no, the crux was, for guys,
how her bosom would rise
in that signature cross-your-heart bra.
"
"your brachial arteries go
from your armpits to elbows?the flow
of your blood then divides
in these vessels and rides
down their terminal branches below.
"
"when a subject is linked by to be
to a sentence's predicate, we
are employing a popular
coupler: this copular
nexus seems sexy to me.
"
"""he was nattily dressed, very dapper,
while macho and muscled?a strapper.
i stood by the wall
as he entered a stall?""
?from the memoirs of senator tapper.
"
"with adduction, you pull your arms in
(and your legs) toward your axis and spin.
ever faster you'll twirl,
in a blur of a whirl.
lace your skates?let the turning begin!
"
"cosmothetic idealists posit
a world that exists, unlike oz. it
is real, but the mind
doesn't know it?they're blind,
and it's time they got out of that closet!
"
"agdistis was out of control,
a hermaphrodite hard to console
after losing his parts.
that's the time when she starts,
and this daemon made havoc her goal.
"
"since the biblical alphaeus sired
an apostle who wrote and inspired,
his singular fame's
being father to james,
whose epistle's renowned and admired.
"
"i've been coating the sheets with albumen;
twenty thousand so far, i'm assumin'.
i've not run out of eggs,
but i'm on my last legs.
i'd albumenize more, but i'm fumin'.
"
"couette flow of oil in a bearing
inhibits?by shearing?the wearing:
eccentric, small gaps
will avoid making scraps
from its fast-spinning trunnions by tearing.
"
"his plays were appraised and then showered
with honors, so no?l soon towered
above all the blighters
and lesser-skilled writers
bedimmed by the light of this coward.
"
"they're assistant professors, but please,
both are saddled with podunk degrees.
being wed, they're demanding
cotenure, a standing
we'll grant since their dads are trustees!
"
"asks daltrey of townshend, ""can you
find a drummer to add to our crew?""
""roger that!"" answers pete,
""i hear moon has the beat.""
so it's keith, then, who's cast in the who.
"
"i've disdain for poetic cosmetics?
those vain superficial aesthetics.
every verse so adorned
i've bombastically scorned
with a show of flamboyant splenetics.
"
"his wife is a foul-mouthed virago
whose dad is a pol from chicago.
illinois has a guv
who's corrupt?there's no love
for a senate-seat seller like blago.
"
"your report on the iliad's due
in the morning; you're up to page two.
what you'll need to succeed
is a summary read
and critique: it's the cliffsnotes for you!
"
"the hazel and filbert are these:
corylaceous deciduous trees.
they're the birch's close kin,
'cause the families they're in
share important botanical keys.
"
"corydaline, corydine: two
(corybulbine's the third) in a brew
homeopathists sell.
will these alkaloids quell
the abdominal pain from my flu?
"
"the apocynaceae trees,
herbs, and shrubs are attractive to bees.
this family's repute
comes from flowers and fruit
that are warmed by the tropical breeze.
"
"the birch and the hazel are kin,
in the sense that the families they're in
are in essence the same.
coextensive's the name
for such groups (that's the botanist's spin).
"
"a bone that is deep in the ear
never gets much attention, i hear.
very small (second fiddle),
it sits in the middle,
like new between happy and year.
"
"""we're unable to moor the valdez,
and the captain's a grouch we can't please,""
thought a mate in the crew
on the tanker who knew
joe's  cantankerous state on the seas.
"
"from the bible comes allon, a word
that appeared as a place, but referred
to an oak tree instead,
later translators said.
just where else in the book have they erred?
"
"betty boop made a sexy debut
in cartoons, but in time was taboo.
with those boobs and that butt,
all the censors yelled, ""cut!""
(she'd created a boop-oop ado.)
"
"from mortgages, subprime and not,
come derivatives, bundled by lot.
to insure they won't fail,
we have products for sale:
buy these credit default swaps. they're hot!
"
"""it's a rack holding leather or glass,
and a frame on which clay can amass.
it's a jig that maintains
the position of planes
in assembly,"" she said to the class.
"
"a buck is the male of some fish,
like the salmon and shad on this dish.
please use roe to refer
to the female?don't err,
or you'll hear ichthyologists pish.
"
"we refer to a masculine lamb,
once mature, as a buck or a ram.
though one word would suffice,
having two can be nice
when you enter a poetry slam.
"
"these joints in the legs of all horses
tilt inward, say medical sources.
while they carry the label
of buck knees, they're stable
when subject to typical forces.
"
"when i first joined the army, my rank
was buck private?the pay i got stank.
though a buck is the lowest
an army grade goest,
buck generals' lives can be swank.
"
"in poker, a knife called a buck
marked the dealer and signified luck.
winning jackpots meant dealing
the hand, but concealing
an ace? you'd be dead as a duck!
"
"passing buckets of rocks up the line,
men are bucking the ore from the mine.
other workers will chuck it
in crushers and buck it.
the powder, in grade, will be fine.
"
"jeans are bucked when you soak them in lye
or in suds before wringing them dry,
or you give them a beating
on stones?a mistreating?
nah, denim is glad to comply.
"
"for these four-footed mammals i'll hail,
the word buck is applied to the male:
squirrel, rat, kangaroo,
goat, and guinea pig, too.
but the elk? he's a bull, like the whale.
"
"over here is the buck?it's the rack
that you'll use to cut wood from out back.
put a board in its crosses,
start sawing?the bosses
expect you to finish the stack.
"
"with his scalpel a doc will abscise?
slicing nicely?the cysts from your thighs,
given biopsies showing
malignancies growing
that augur your cancer demise.
"
"spelunking and skydiving seem
to have risk as a salient theme.
whether air or abyss,
my concern comes to this:
if it's dicey, a sport's too extreme.
"
"the geometry student will pass
if he studies the bodies in class:
tetrahedrons and cubes
are examples?and boobs?
they're not regular solids, alas.
"
"a force that will not be denied,
a body of cavalry ride
into battle against
a defense that has sensed
that the lord won't be taking their side.
"
"changing acetyl coenzyme a
into acetyl phosphate will stay
at the top of our list.
may an enzyme assist?
yes, an acetyltransferase may.
"
"i'll be soaking my denims in lye
in the sink and removing their dye.
adding bleach to the buck
should leave jeans that, with luck,
look so cool they'll catch everyone's eye.
"
"a buck was a deerskin that aided
with goods being bartered and graded.
early indians felt
there was worth in a pelt,
so they dealt out the doe when they traded.
"
"a she-hare is showing some pluck,
so the he-hare she's boxing's in luck.
an affair, short and sweet,
is the post-punching treat
when a doe who's in heat goes to buck.
"
"two rabbits are boxing this spring
in a blow-by-blow ritual fling.
they continue the show
when the buck mounts the doe.
(in a month comes the hare-raising thing.)
"
"we're running the ball by design,
and our fullback keeps bucking the line.
our ground game's on show
with just minutes to go
and us up 27 to 9.
"
"this shrub is abundant on walls
and the rocks on the cliffs by the falls.
like the commonplace bramble,
the caper can't amble
or frolic or gambol?it crawls.
"
"in dublin they cherish the cherry;
the date is the darling of derry.
they're proud of the pear
in the county of clare,
but in dingle they're bummed by the berry.
"
"this shrub bears an edible fruit
with a flavor of local repute.
it's a berry called ""dingle,""
dark red, and its zing'll
surprise you?it's truly a beaut.
"
"a dimwitted local fort worther
is a formerly vocal flat-earther.
this yokel was due
to latch on to a new
source of lunacy?now he's a birther.
"
"this body's the one, so it's said,
that young jesus of nazareth led:
a religion that's grown
over time and is known
as the church of which christ is the head.
"
"the body's the principal part
of a troupe or a group?it's their heart.
or the brain. or the soul.
(gee, i'm out of control.
the best metaphor's right at the start.)
"
"the body, or resonance box,
of this cello has taken some knocks.
there are chips in the wood,
and it doesn't look good,
but the sound?  yo-yo ma says it rocks!
"
"""there's one body i hope to behold?
it's a massive deposit of gold,""
says the miner who dreams
of auriferous seams
he's been told fill the hole he's been sold.
"
"this collection's main portion or part
is its body?the meat and the heart
of the stuff i revere.
yes, they're comic books, dear,
but, look here, they're considered fine art!
"
"the shaft of a pillar is known
(like the principal part of a bone)
as a  body. that said,
are there limbs? or a head?
is it best i just leave this alone?
"
"the promoters had sweetened the pot,
so the blues singers all made a lot,
excepting young bo,
who would open the show.
no, they didn't pay diddley squat.
"
"with his distomatosis, he squirms.
it's so risky a case he confirms
that he's scrubbing his plan
to become the first man
to subsist on a diet of worms.
"
"my hat has a body that's flawed:
its foundation is crooked, by gawd!
i'm shocked it was stocked
by my hatter and blocked
by a blockhead?both guilty of fraud.
"
"anhydrohydroxyprogesterone:
here's a hormone a woman is blessed to own.
but the word is absurd?
the third longest, i've heard,
to appear in a book i confess to own.
"
"it's the part that is central or main
of a thing to which others pertain.
and the parts that attach
or sit round it? no match.
it's the body that's destined to reign.
"
"pseudoscorpion, spider, and mite,
the arachnida typically bite.
in this arthropod class,
few will give you a pass:
had a tick nip my ass just last night.
"
"it's an odd anatomical part
in the shape of a horn, not a heart.
in the uterus, spine,
and the tongue, the design
of the cornu's a sign of god's art.
"
"watching water swirl round in his bath,
m.a. cornu imagines the path
of a spiral that might
solve a problem of light
(in diffraction) with integral math.
"
"this church has a body?the aisle
in the center. we'll rest here awhile.
the prayers have sufficed
(with the body of christ)
to atone for our heist. let us smile.
"
"asked my boss for a ruling. no luck.
he just kicked it upstairs, 'cause he's stuck.
now the chief won't decide,
so it's off for a ride
to the chairman. (they're passing the buck.)
"
"this curly-haired moppet was flip,
an impertinent actress with zip.
shirley temple, it seems,
had good lollipop dreams;
shirley black, an ambassadorship.
"
"this black hills memorial will,
when it's done, be an absolute thrill.
it's of crazy horse, tall
in the saddle?to all
the lakotas, once king of the hill.
"
"as cyrano's ardency grows,
every message he's ghostwriting glows
with his love for roxane.
a dissembler, this man
does the best that he can, heaven knows.
"
"there are abranchiata in rills
by my house?little worms without gills.
most don't bother me much,
like the naids and such,
but the leeches? they give me the chills!
"
"""democratic's a good word,"" newt said.
""so it's something that fills me with dread.
let republicans know
a new name for our foe:
it's the 'democrat party' instead.""
"
"the light-skinned among us burn faster,
so sunbathing's fraught with disaster.
every blister and blype
of this sensitive type
will require therapeutical plaster.
"
"astronomical units are cool.
they're an excellent measurement tool.
from the earth to the sun
is the distance in one:
ninety-three million miles is the rule.
"
"my windshield gets clouded by mist
when i drive in the snow, so i'm pissed.
for the next car i buy,
of the things i might try,
a defogger is high on the list.
"
"in this document's body you'll find
all the principal things on the mind
of the author; no need
for you students to read
the appendix. that's not been assigned.
"
"when ascending too fast in the sky,
there's a chance you'll get air bends and die.
an arterial bubble
is nothing but trouble?
a danger for folks getting high.
"
"many natives of india buck
as they ride in a taxi or truck.
are they bouncing around?
no, they're talking, i've found
(though at hindi i totally suck).
"
"in football, a cross buck's a call
where a back fakes receiving the ball,
and then charges the line.
it's a play that works fine
by deceiving the defensive wall.
"
"i'm in cabo san lucas, a town
of increasing cachet and renown.
this pacific resort
and peninsula port
is a jewel in the mexican crown.
"
"for the game tonight, coach has a plan:
in the paint, body up to your man.
stick so close he can't turn,
pass, or shoot; you should learn
his deodorant?right guard or ban?
"
"the midges, mosquitoes, and gnats
are all dipteran insects, and that's
all i know to relate
of this order?oh, wait:
they have wings and get eaten by bats.
"
"cremasteric, this process will jut
from a butterfly pupa. say what?
it's that thing with a hook
on its shell that can look
like a turd coming out of its butt.
"
"at this pupa's posterior end
is a process that helps it suspend
by a hook from a leaf.
though the service is brief,
the cremaster's a butterfly's friend.
"
"on the simpsons, the slang terms abound,
but when asked to provide one, i frowned?
couldn't think of a one.
but that's over and done,
and, well, anyhoo, lots are around.
"
"with a hammer, the woman bucks ore
on an anvil?a nine-to-five chore.
after screening out bits
to re-crush them, she quits
for the day, but tomorrow there's more.
"
"crispus attucks, a runaway slave
and mulatto, was said to be brave.
he was shot by the brits,
who gave patriots fits,
sending three of them right to the grave.
"
"i defined for my medical final
the adjective corticospinal:
to the spine it pertains
and the cortex (the brain's)?
not the nose, 'cause that goes under rhinal.
"
"""you're guilty!"" the judges opined.
then your sentence is passed, and you find
that the gallows await.
now they're sealing your fate
with a pen, as your death warrant's signed.
"
"""asthma and isthmi,"" i shout,
are the longest two words hereabout
in which vowels are seen
at each end (none between).""
""you're a sly one,"" tom archly points out.
"
"an ala's a winglike extension
of bone and a mode of ascension
of insects that zoom.
it's a part of a bloom,
and a room roman architects mention.
"
"""when a door's open only so far,
it's a door?but it's also ajar.
that's a pun, i daresay,""
noted freud. ""by the way,
my cigar here is just a cigar.""
"
"conversationalists spinning a tale.
conservationalists saving a whale.
there's an anagram pair
in this verse, and i dare
you to find one that's longer. (you'll fail.)
"
"it's when something is able to fit,
to adapt, to adjust. yes, that's it!
so i find it absurd
that i can't squeeze this word
in a limerick?not even a bit.
"
"the dendrochronologists claim
getting accurate data's their aim.
but their work is unsound
and they jerk us around.
it's a lame tree-ring circus?for shame!
"
"a clunker is something that fails,
never gets any wind in its sails.
it's a flop or a mess,
like my plan for success,
which, i guess, will soon ride off the rails.
"
"to my growing dismay and regret,
my new hubby's as dim as they get.
at a hat store today
he put on a beret
and said, ""hey! may i buy this barrette?""
"
"the bartlett's a pear green and yellow
with flesh, when mature, soft and mellow.
americans savor
its sweet pulpy flavor
in brandy, pandowdy, and jell-o.
"
"in court, enoch bartlett draws stares
as he glares at the judge and declares,
""i'm extremely distressed
you've denied my request
for a jury comprised of my pears!""
"
"a dignified death is the key,
so my lawyer's prepared a decree.
this legal directive
ensures my objective:
don't dare to resuscitate me!
"
"a dipteran insect survives
via reincarnation and thrives
in the soul of one cow,
then another, so now
he's become the first gnat with kine lives.
"
"having sat here for hours and discussed
every side of each matter, i trust
there are others chagrinned,
so i'm breaking some wind
and thus clearing the room with disgust.
"
"with a body that's soft, full, and ripe,
lovely arial matches the hype.
there's a natural grace
to her shank, but her face
is sans serif?she's just not my type.
"
"though skeptics were eager to mock it,
this legend took off like a rocket:
the ladies he saw
were in definite awe
of the pistol in dillinger's pocket.
"
"the corybants' passionate rites
led to wild and exuberant nights.
with the music and dance
and the wine, did perchance
a few priests have romance in their sights?
"
"with your wrists tied, your arms have been passed
o'er your knees, which are bent, then held fast
by a pole through the hole
'tween your limbs for control.
you've been bucked by the guards that you sassed.
"
"for the hooker, a wave of the hand
from the dock is an age-old command.
she's directing a sailor
to shore, where he'll tail her
and study the lay of the land.
"
"the mantle the dew worms have worn
is the glistening mist of the morn.
now these night crawlers wait
to be fishermen's bait:
they've a date with the hooks they'll adorn.
"
"my allergic reaction was slow?
took a day till it started to show:
this delayed case of hives
from an antigen (chives?)
makes me itch from my head to my toe.
"
"as i passed a lascivious lass
in my human anatomy class,
she said, ""honey, your glutes
are a couple of beauts,""
and then cadgily patted my ass.
"
"the instruments creditors use
in their transfers of risk made the news.
getting bundled and swapped
in a bubble that popped
brought the credit derivative blues.
"
"using dhimmi and dhimmitude shows
your contempt for political foes.
you've accused them of caving
to islam?behaving
like traitors (or dim-witted schmoes).
"
"anonymousnesses: a noun
i've not spoken or heard around town.
meaning ""multiple states
of unnamedness,"" it rates
a raised eyebrow?or maybe a frown.
"
"the word that this limerick defines
is the name for a verse with ten lines.
for a sentence that  shows
how it's used, i propose:
that's a zany dizain on fine wines!
"
"he's a corporal who tries to impress,
making privates work harder at mess.
and his boots have a shine
much more polished than mine.
is he bucking for sergeant's stripes? yes!
"
"superficial, triangular, flat,
cucullares are muscles you pat
on a friend's upper back
to commend him, or whack
if he's choking?so learn where they're at.
"
"in scotland there's cheese known as crowdie;
in england it's apple pandowdy.
for the cumbrian cow,
crowdie's excellent chow.
cornwall fiddlers on crowdie are rowdy.
"
"the chef at the vatican's smart,
and at breakfast he blazons his art.
the new pontiff gets up
to hot joe in his cup
and eggs benedict served ? la carte.
"
"all the undersea divers advise
against surfacing fast?no surprise.
but when asked to explain
why the bends causes pain,
they will all devise divers replies.
"
"it's the body, distinct from the arms,
of her dress that is hiding her charms.
and beneath its snug bodice,
the breasts of that goddess?
this limerick is sounding alarms!
"
"in a belly dance, muscles contract
and relax in the stomach. in fact,
the external obliques
on these dancers' physiques
leave me weak after seeing their act.
"
"the bluetop's a weed, not a spurge,
with an annual flowering urge,
and it shows off its mettle
defending a petal
by letting a nettle emerge.
"
"body's used in expressions of glee
and in oaths, says the famed oed.
so i guess it's all right
if tonight?in delight?
i ejaculate, ""body of me!""
"
"two triangles differ in size
and alignment, but still you surmise
they're homologous. now
comes desargues to show how
you can prove what you see with your eyes.
"
"some roads in old ireland are narrow:
boreens around hillock and barrow.
one winds from knockree
down past ballynashee
to the sea?not that far for a sparrow.
"
"when momentum is angular, class,
it relates to the motion and mass
of a rotating body.
cum laude or noddy,
you'll know this or simply won't pass.
"
"call a white man a buck and what's meant
is he's dashing?a spirited gent.
call a black man a buck
and you're pushing your luck.
he might think you've a darker intent.
"
"antivaxxers deceptively claim
there is ""proof"" that vaccines are to blame
for most autism cases.
their view has no basis
in science or studies?it's lame.
"
"are the stories and info he's got
on my mistresses true? no, they're not!
anecdata like his
prove one point, and that is:
he's a bonehead and doesn't know squat!
"
"in dendrochronology, rings
on the trunk of a tree are the things
that the scientists gauge
to determine its age.
here's an oak that's seen two hundred springs.
"
"disceptation? gee, what can that be?
if we look the word up, then we'll see.
it's discussion, debate,
disputation?ooh, great!
here's a subject: let's talk about me!
"
"glenn beck's the hysterical host
of a talk show on fox?and the most
hyperbolic of those
blaming all of our woes
on the prez: ""hey, obama, you're toast!""
"
"no absolute monarch need care
about customs or laws or what's fair.
since he's free of restraints
on his power, complaints
and affronts from his subjects are rare.
"
"if you're eating as much as before,
but you quickly gain ten pounds or more,
it's a symptom, perhaps,
of congestive collapse
of your heart?something not to ignore.
"
"sylvester is hemorrhaging! stat,
get the crash cart, wherever it's at!
we're in need of supplies
'cause without 'em he dies.
(it's the ninth of the lives of this cat.)
"
"choriambic expressions are neat,
with a singular meter or beat.
there's a trochee combined
with an iamb?defined
by the rhythm of ""white as a sheet.""
"
"what is good? only virtue, and so,
all life's comforts the cynics forgo.
self-control is the key
when one chooses to be,
from conventional practices, free.
"
"where do aramids (lightweight-but-strong,
heat-resistant synthetics) belong?
they're in hundreds of things
manufacturing brings,
like this nifty nonflammable thong!
"
"if the oil in your engine's too thick,
buy an anti-wear additive quick.
it reduces the grinding,
abrading, and binding
of parts that might otherwise stick.
"
"a geologist notes the location
of a stratum with no inclination.
it's aclinal and runs
by the river, with tons
of alluvial sedimentation.
"
"out of pakistan terrorists pour,
as they join the afghanistan war.
that's why af-pak these days
is a popular phrase
among bloggers and newsmen galore.
"
"the classical limericks forswear
any gravitas, offering fare,
born of whimsy, on sinning,
like this one beginning,
""there once was a swedish au pair?""
"
"laying cards on the table's an art,
and each suit in the deck plays a part:
giving diamonds in spades
while out clubbing persuades
her to wed me?i've captured her heart.
"
"discerpible once was a word
(meaning ""tearable"") spoken and heard.
over time, folks would switch
to discerptible, which,
it appears, is the one now preferred.
"
"that white house impostor is bad?
the most dangerous prez that we've had.
he's a muslim, a commie,
a kenyan, a swami . . .
he's driving us stark raving mad!
"
"defamatory speech is the worst.
i don't like getting cursed or aspersed.
but maligners who toss
a few slurs at my boss?
they're okay?hey, i'll even go first!
"
"you've been shirking at work, drinking beer,
so i'm raising the bar around here.
the new standards i'll use
will prohibit all booze,
and i'll bar any raise for a year.
"
"data structure's the way we array,
file, and organize records today.
information gets stored
in computers?a hoard
of statistics a mouse click away.
"
"unannounced, in their usual way,
thoughts of death interrupted my day.
i know everyone dies,
but it seems my demise
comes to mind more and more as i gray.
"
"republican craziness grows:
""barack is to blame for all woes!""
it's obama derangement?
a form of estrangement
from truth now afflicting his foes.
"
"the firefighter's leaning his weight
on the hose since the pressure's so great.
with the water full force,
it's like riding a horse
that could buck him right off on his pate.
"
"from his horse don quixote gets spilt.
then he's shocked by how solidly built
his opponent must be
when he looks up to see
him still upright, not even atilt.
"
"both termites and carpenter bees
are dendrophagous, feeding on trees.
they're up to no good
when they bore into wood,
making tunnels wherever they please.
"
"acalypha's a genus of plants:
herbs and shrubs you might find at a glance
in a tropical spot,
where it's sunny and hot.
french guiana has lots, but not france.
"
"an enchanting acalypha grows
in the cachepot that once held my rose.
with chenilles, you get plants
that, in bloom, can enhance
every room with their colorful shows.
"
"he made living for russians unbearable;
they rebelled, hoping things were repairable.
he was quartered and drawn?
a discerption at dawn,
which was fitting for ivan the tearable.
"
"decretal epistles reply
to ecclesiasts wondering ""why?""
the pope checks the laws
of the church, hems and haws,
then decrees ""it's because!"" from on high.
"
"he's the kind of a fellow i'm loathing,
one i swear that i'm never betrothing:
a shabbily dressed
casanova and pest?
the detestable wolf in cheap clothing.
"
"""neil's the singer on whom one depends
for romance that no other transcends,""
said a musical dude
to the women he wooed,
adding, ""girls are a diamond's best friends.""
"
"the alien's cloaked in a robe,
and he's holding a scope and a strobe.
it's my colon this creep
will inspect as i sleep?
it's a deep diverticular probe!
"
"to a flatworm fanatic like sheila,
there can't be acoels in tequila.
should she find there's a worm
in a bottle, she's firm:
it's just not from the order acoela.
"
"i'm adding some 5-htp
to my diet in order to see
if it helps me to rest,
be less stressed and depressed,
and, what's best, fix my pesty ed!
"
"the reason i've gone on ""vacation""
is bad: autoimmunization.
my own lymphocytes seek
to destroy me?i'm weak
and defenseless, in constant prostration.
"
"it's expected a rooster might squawk
if his hens start engaging in talk
of a capon who lacks
(from the chop of an axe)
what it takes to be cock of the walk.
"
"if letters were notes, i could play
many words on my trumpet today.
and cabbaged, i've heard,
is the longest such word
(meaning ""stolen"" or ""filched,"" by the way).
"
"the combining form acro- (it's greek)
means the ""summit,"" the ""top,"" or the ""peak.""
acrophobia's dread
of great heights, and it's said
acrobatics shows high-flown technique.
"
"an excitable fellow is hugh,
who seems nervous and skittish on cue.
but imagine your wife
liked to brandish a knife.
well then, you'd be alarmable, too!
"
"the skeptic will naturally doubt
what politicos promise or tout,
while the cynic suspects
that self-interest directs
every lout and says, ""throw the bums out!""
"
"religion came after the sword,
as a cadre of padres explored
south american lands,
building missions, with plans
to catholicize folks for the lord.
"
"i'm bucking the odds in roulette
and invoking the gods with this bet:
every chip in my stack
goes on 29 black.
if i lose, i'll be back in deep debt.
"
"the explosively hydrogen-gassed
new dirigibles vanished but fast.
since the hindenburg blew,
it's been viewed as taboo
to declare one a ""blast from the past.""
"
"though the island of atka is small,
it's the biggest aleutian of all,
putting others to shame
in its subgroup, whose name?
andreanof?i barely recall.
"
"a bleeding-heart pigeon's my guest;
it's a ground dove that's building a nest.
this white-throated creature
is named for one feature:
the splash of deep red on its breast.
"
"there are causes that i have promoted
and people on whom i have doted.
staying loyal and true
is the thing that i do.
i am noted for being devoted.
"
"you're entitled to these for your work;
your achievements have brought you this perk.
though you're free now to boast,
shout your name coast to coast,
and have bragging rights, don't be a jerk.
"
"i have calendared names in a list,
adding dates to be sure no one's missed.
i keep track of the jerks
who have crossed me, which works
as an index of who got me pissed.
"
"there's a new aboriginal crew
that's refinishing pipes of bamboo.
they work hard on the task
till the boss comes to ask,
""so how many here didgeridoo?""
"
"communications devices are spreading,
and it's cell phones and ipods i'm dreading.
we'll be sealing our doom
when the bride and the groom
begin texting ""i do"" at their wedding.
"
"meet the saprophytes living in clods
and the parasites working in squads
from the corynebact-
eriaceae?packed
with gram-positive germs shaped like rods.
"
"for this man, all the world is abuzz;
we're atwitter, whatever he does.
michael jackson's his name,
and his face is his fame?
what a shame that it's not what it was.
"
"diplomacy is, cynics say,
the art of kowtowing all day
to a threatening foe
till you're able to go
get your handgun and blow him away.
"
"he's andromache's bundle of joy,
but since hector's his father, this boy
named astyanax may
pursue vengeance some day.
so he's hurled from the ramparts of troy.
"
"my life's been devoid of all fun;
i see clouds where my friends see the sun.
i'm so wracked with self-doubt
i've put off finding out:
does deferred have two r's or just one?
"
"chaucer's chichevache scrounged for its food:
patient women?respectful, subdued.
that this fabulous cow
was so lean tells us how,
in old england, the fair sex was viewed.
"
"i was bored of the news in the media,
so i opened my huge cyclopedia.
but i'm yawning today.
my thesaurus (roget)
says it's apathy, doldrums, acedia.
"
"the unbreakable ceilings of glass,
through which distaff employees can't pass,
are how businesses screw
and deny gals their due.
they should sue?taking names, kicking ass.
"
"these flies, acalyptrate, are pests:
what the eater, if careless, ingests,
when he nibbles on cheese
and belatedly sees
it has hundreds of maggoty guests.
"
"that acoelous invertebrates lack
alimentary tracts isn't wack.
their nutrition comes in
by diffusion?akin
to it coming through skin on one's back.
"
"of acidulants, vinegar's best,
lemon's second?forget all the rest.
both acidify nicely
(not always precisely)
the food you'd prefer had some zest.
"
"this audit's as broad as we've faced,
but in one sense we find it a waste.
though they look, touch, and smell
(even listen as well),
there's just no accounting for taste.
"
"i'm missing my christian friend jimmy,
who helped me and never said ""gimme,""
then left when he saw
that sharia, our law,
gave him limited rights as a dhimmi.
"
"there are creatures who seem, as by magic,
to thrive in extremes we'd find tragic.
they live on the deep
ocean floor, where they sleep
and awake. they're abyssopelagic.
"
"absinthin is found at the core
of the wormwood (a plant), and there's more:
it's a compound that's white,
which a chemist might cite
as c15h20o4.
"
"abecedaries tutor us well?
how to read, how to write, how to spell.
they're the primers in school
that our children find cool?
or at least till the ring of the bell.
"
"oh, you sisters are glowing today!
and those abdomens? growing, i'd say.
since you're pregnant, don't fail
to get up on this scale?
now you're all in the family weigh!
"
"an abozzo's a draft that i'll try
to display to you here on the fly,
as i scribble a line
that i'll later refine
into something more clever or wry.
"
"two vultures, unable to drag
a corpse up a hill to a crag,
see another take flight,
having packed one up tight
in his aasvogel carrion bag.
"
"i was stalked for a year by my spouse,
an abusive and dangerous souse.
though a man of persistence,
he now keeps his distance:
he's buried in back of the house.
"
"hey, rabbi, my kidney is shot,
and dialysis costs quite a lot.
now i hear from a guy
that it's legal to buy
a new organ. 'zat kosher, or not?
"
"i am glad countercurrent dialysis
is reducing my uro-paralysis.
but the back-and-forth flowing
of pee has me going
so nuts i need psychoanalysis.
"
"cut a bull ant in half?still it fights:
stinging tail versus head's vicious bites.
so pugnacious and fierce,
having pincers that pierce,
it's a bug that gives aussies the frights.
"
"a body shop up in manassas is,
at times, just as slow as molasses is.
i mention this place
fixing cars just in case
you've not heard of the plural noun chassises.
"
"a radish they like in japan
is the daikon, and now i'm a fan.
be it cooked, be it raw,
it's a root that i chaw
with great gusto whenever i can.
"
"in its altria ruling, the scotus
put cigarette makers on notice:
""if customers sue
and there's fraud, don't boo-hoo
when their lawyers conveniently quote us.""
"
"a bystander's giving the eye
to the champion pigs in a sty.
being poor, he's resolved
to remain uninvolved
since he hasn't the standing to buy.
"
"a peruvian balsa's a craft
made of reeds, tightly bound, fore to aft.
when i told them reeds make
a small island on lake
titicaca, my students all laughed.
"
"she's attractive and catches my eye,
but she's clutching her gut, and i sigh.
seems her stomach's upset,
so i stand in regret
as the girl with colitis goes by.
"
"is it child abuse to believe
that your children should honor and cleave
to the bible? be strong!
evolution is wrong.
teach your kids about adam and eve.
"
"on the menu is choucroute garnie,
and i'm wondering what that could be,
when my gallic gar?on,
in a world-weary tone,
says, ""zat's cabbage and meat, mon ami.""
"
"the donald's a whiz with a reel,
and a shark when he's closing the deal.
his slippery morays
and conger-line forays
appear in ""the dart of the eel.""
"
"i've contracted a bad std;
my urethra now burns when i pee.
says my doctor, ""you've ardor
urinae?try harder
to lay off the sex."" (i agree.)
"
"antisthenes founded a school
of philosophy, based on one rule:
be a virtuous man.
thinking cynically, can
we imagine this greek was a fool?
"
"a transformative mathematician
studied figures that changed their position.
desargues used perspective
for proofs in projective
geometry?meeting his mission.
"
"you're niggardly, closefisted, stingy,
penurious, miserly, mingy,
ungiving, and costive.
this list ain't exhaustive,
and, yeah, i'll admit it?i'm whingey.
"
"the bordens just grumble and groan,
never leaving poor lizzie alone.
she refuses to catch it
and buries the hatchet,
thus proving she's ax-sudden-prone.
"
"the cartulary holds all the deeds
and the copies of charters he needs
to divide the estate
and decide on the fate
of her baubles and bangles and beads.
"
"consider this word (meaning ""chill"")
with two syllables; add, if you will,
two more letters and, wow,
it's one syllable now
and a word for a scourge that can kill.
"
"society's paying a price
since, to children, joe camel seems nice.
we let cigarette madmen
hire legions of admen
to keep on dispensing a vice.
"
"in helsinki they don't seem to care
that the planes are in need of repair.
on the typical night,
you'll see more than one flight
disappearing right into finnair.
"
"my weight-watching diet is drudgery,
what with ritual measures of pudgery.
i stand on the scale
every day without fail
and engage in numerical fudgery.
"
"you're deceptive, oblique, disingenuous,
or your grip on reality's tenuous.
here we're eager to eat,
and you know we love meat,
yet you all-vegetarian menu us.
"
"i've an itch and it needs a quick scratch:
something prompt?not a light or a match.
i'm a nicotine fiend
and expect to be weaned
off tobacco for good with dispatch.
"
"dispatch is exactness and speed
with efficiency?something you need
when your butt's being whomped
and you look for a prompt
way to stop it. the answer? concede!
"
"mark sanford decided to bail,
disappearing and leaving no trail.
""i was taking the time,""
he said later, ""to climb
on some fine argentinian tail.""
"
"all my life i've been rather blas?
about rudeness that people display.
but today i got dissed
and i'm shakin' my fist.
someone's taken my gruntle away.
"
"harry whittington wasn't that quick?
didn't hear the unfortunate click
when a trigger got cocked.
this attorney was shocked
when he learned he'd been plugged by a dick.
"
"at the wheel, i was texting?an action
that led to my camry's compaction.
a month has now passed
in a full body cast.
seems i drove myself right to distraction.
"
"that scavenging animals eat
and dispose of dead bodies is meet.
when carrion dine,
it's by nature's design,
so the circle of life is complete.
"
"i'll explain what is meant by apertion
without any force or coercion.
it's an outlet or vent,
like the one in this tent
i can fit through with little exertion.
"
"most writers would rather have less
disconcertion?discomfort and stress.
but we editors know,
as our efforts here show,
that exacting demands breed success.
"
"stephen hawking considers averno,
the entrance to dante's inferno,
then writes his sublime
a brief history of time,
to today all the way ab aeterno.
"
"the argentine tango's defined
by seduction: two dancers entwined
in a smoky caf?,
sexy moves on display,
sultry glances, romance on their mind.
"
"""they're acousmata, fit to impart
to the public, and straight from my heart,""
said pythagoras, noting
that beans lead to bloating,
promoting the penchant to fart.
"
"in the south, the republicans stand
in good stead?the old party's still grand.
but the folks in the west,
north and east aren't impressed
by what now is a dixieland brand.
"
"our hearing aids really work great!
go online, order now, don't be late.
there's no need to be deaf:
click the box ""cif""
and we'll pay cost, insurance and freight.
"
"cost and freight is a charge or a quote
that the seller, in exports, will note.
it ensures that his price
covers shipping?that's nice
when the goods spend a month on a boat.
"
"james dean, steve mcqueen, and jack webb:
their celebrity simply won't ebb.
even dead, they're still thrilling
the public by shilling
for products?each star's a deleb.
"
"""don't eat while you swim"" is our rule.
we came up with it after a fool
turned his caviar paste
into waterborne waste:
you may not take a dip in the pool.
"
"there's a claypan, a hole, that i spy:
a depression that's shallow and dry.
but it soon will be filling
with rain?overspilling.
(a thundercloud's up in the sky.)
"
"a worker at french's got flustered
when the boss at his work station blustered,
""you gotta dilute
the dijon?don't get cute.
you'll be canned if you can't cut the mustard!""
"
"our nation's obsessed with confession:
we make public each private transgression.
seems we can't get enough
of that soul-baring stuff.
would it kill us to show some discretion?
"
"degenerescence: this interesting word,
meaning ""rot or decay"" that's occurred,
is the longest, some claim,
where each vowel's the same.
any wordsmith would see that's absurd.
"
"our dynamite expert inspects
every job 'cause we're risking our necks.
want your building to fall?
we're the outfit to call:
demolition by edifice wrecks.
"
"acetabular rims have a slot
through which vessels can pass, for if not,
hips would dry up and die,
so it's hard to deny
that this cotyloid notch hits the spot.
"
"ettore artini's acclaim?
there's a mineral bearing his name.
it's artinite?the ore
that allowed him to score
(and gain fame) in the carbonate game.
"
"there'll be abendmusiken all week,
but that concert last night was unique:
a liturgical air
titled handel with care
and the requiem  haydn go seek.
"
"in man?ge, riders shorten the stride
of their mounts and change gaits as they ride.
when collected, a horse
is dynamic, of course,
and a source of equestrian pride.
"
"an archetype's bandied about
as a standard?a model to tout.
it becomes, for a class,
the ideal, like that ass
on beyonc?, whose booty stands out!
"
"this committee has plenary powers,
but from schedules and duties it cowers.
many members are sleeping
while others are keeping
the minutes but wasting the hours.
"
"margaret thatcher, a master disarmer,
was friendly and calm?no alarmer.
charisma, allure?
she had plenty, for sure,
as this anagram shows: that great charmer.
"
"abbott-miller tubes help decompress
small intestines, relieving distress.
miller-abbott tubes, too,
clear obstructions?that's true.
which to call them? i couldn't care less.
"
"for this test, put the volatile oil
in a cup, close it up, let it boil.
well, not boil, but just heat
to its flash point?don't cheat!
(that's according to abel, not hoyle.)
"
"we geologists plan to invite
any amphibole groupies who might
have an interest in vetting
our hornblende and getting
a kick out of cummingtonite.
"
"bafana bafana?""the boys"":
they're the footballers bringing us joys.
how do fans trumpet pride
in the national side?
vuvuzelas exploding with noise!
"
"the cirque du soleil is a show
that keeps fans entertained and aglow.
there are acrobats, clowns,
lights and music?no downs.
if it's ever in town, you should go.
"
"having rivers diverted for drinking
and farming, the aral's been shrinking.
with this once mighty sea
down to lakes now (there's three),
some kazakhs wonder, ""what were we thinking?""
"
"it's cosmetic neurology, fool,
and a popular tool now in school.
many students are besting
the rest by ingesting
cool chemicals: stimulants rule!
"
"i was treated, then cured by m.d.s
of my crohn-lesniowsky disease.
the abdominal pain
and some cramps still remain,
but i'm pleased to find farting's a breeze.
"
"in dallas, a cowtown-turned-urban,
a high-spending cowboy likes bourbon,
grilled t-bones, cigars,
all-american cars,
and his banker, a sikh in a turban.
"
"two-dimensional space was arcane
till ren? made it ordered terrain:
""when each point, like (a, b),
has coordinates, we
make a plane a cartesian domain.""
"
"i recently moved to the coast,
where i loll on the beaches and roast.
but my skin never tans;
my achromia stands,
and i'll always be white as a ghost.
"
"musicians, it's been my impression,
use ad libitum as an expression.
if you major in voice
or if oboe's your choice,
it will mean ""at the player's discretion.""
"
"the urinal's draped with a tarp;
the lewd poet's in cuffs by the harp.
it's that dadaist piece
in cologne where police
drew their weapons and hollered ""hans arp!""
"
"it's a chamber of echoes, you know,
so the dittoheads flock to his show.
if you wonder how high
the bar's set for this guy,
hey, it's limbaugh?how low can you go?
"
"oklahoma!'s new cast, it appears,
is a herd of inept volunteers.
the director gets grief
from the actors, who beef.
(seems the cattle call brought only steers.)
"
"a credit risk's someone who may,
having borrowed your loot, not repay.
or for money you've lent,
it's the chance it's misspent?
not a cent ever coming your way.
"
"a boo is a boyfriend or beau,
or a cry of contempt at a show.
marijuana is boo,
yielding three (not just two)
definitions you readers should know.
"
"a bad dislocation's no fun.
it's hard to get anything done.
my elbow's in pain,
and it's addled my brain.
(here's the place for that humerus pun.)
"
"she's attached to her youngest son paul,
and it's driving her friends up the wall.
that he's seven but still
at her breast makes them ill.
what's she say? ""hey, you can't wean 'em all!""
"
"michael jackson had grandiose plans:
thirty concerts to fill up the stands.
how he died no one knows,
but they cancelled the shows,
disconcerting his ticketed fans.
"
"a man shearing sheep threw the bull,
even boasted of mafia pull.
then his bragging increased,
and he's turned up deceased
in the fleece. seems he's died in the wool.
"
"the william m. thackeray chair
is for writers with ego to spare.
this professorship goes
to an author who shows
a dime novelist's vanity flair.
"
"the council on foreign relations?
their goal is control of all nations!
that's the whip-up-your-fearist
conspiracy theorist
with one of his queerest fixations.
"
"the council on foreign relations,
a think tank that studies all nations,
gives worldly advice
to the feds at no price
through its scholarly recommendations.
"
"a ghost took to haunting young roy,
and it robbed him of brightness and joy.
he got rid of the spook
by a fortunate fluke,
though he's still a dispirited boy.
"
"i stayed in this hospital twice,
and the nurses' assistants weren't nice.
the best of the crew
was disorderly, too:
kept my bedpans, 'tween uses, on ice.
"
"the lady's so lovely and charming,
it seems to me rather alarming
what someone has done
just to give me this pun:
hey, the venus de milo's disarming!
"
"one javanese village community
is acting with total impunity.
this dessa's ignoring
the laws against warring
by fighting at each opportunity.
"
"in compounds, this word is a dandy:
it's a flavor, a color, a candy.
yes, chocolate can pair
with maroon, bar, ?clair,
soldier, crimson, cake, phosphate, and brandy.
"
"my new range rover bucks in and out
of the potholes and ruts on my route.
it's too bumpy a ride
since the shocks don't provide
what (with pride!) those commercials all tout.
"
"an actor, besotted and weary,
sits slumped in a bar getting teary.
as the champ, he once tasted
acclaim?now he's wasted.
meet wallace ""ol' cry in his"" beery.
"
"war was hell, but what's worse? its cessation.
our defeat's brought complete subjugation.
now we're bidding adieu
to our sovereignty, too:
debellatio's swallowed our nation.
"
"all year long, from abib to ba'unah,
abyssinians heed their abuna.
he's the patriarch?head
of their church and, it's said,
as esteemed as a maui kahuna.
"
"this bully's a regular putz.
what a pest! man, i can't stand his guts.
when i kick, he'll get his
and thus feel what he is:
didymalgia?a pain in the nuts.
"
"there's man-made detritus at sea
in an island reputed to be
big as texas. this float?
still expanding?could coat
the pacific with plastic debris.
"
"balsa corner posts held up the roof
and the walls of my shed. here's the proof
it was flimsily built
and could easily tilt:
in the very first breeze, it went poof!
"
"this canine inhabits the wild
in australia?it's deadly when riled.
forget about rabies?
hold on to your babies:
a dingo once chewed on a child!
"
"is derangement with bush on the rise?
it's a syndrome some see as unwise.
could the democrat smarties
be causing their party's
collapse?and the donkey's demise?
"
"dressed to kill doesn't really mean that;
you're not armed with a rifle or gat.
no, it's clothes that impress
and might lead to success
getting chicks to come up to your flat.
"
"to conjoin is to link or connect,
as when people or things intersect.
at each end of a tether,
apart, yet together,
they're yoked in some way or respect.
"
"things conjoined come together by meeting:
a touching, connecting, completing.
our bodies entwine
and two souls?yours and mine?
now combine, though the union proves fleeting.
"
"the words that are anagrammatic
make puzzle fanatics ecstatic?
like when ton's changed to not,
opt or top become pot,
or empathic turns into emphatic.
"
"a true entomologist would
know this genus of mite, understood?
so if acarus throws ya,
i expect apologia ?
an excuse that had better be good.
"
"diogenes lived in a tub
after leaving antisthenes' club.
his search for a man
who was honest began
with his lamp and a cynical rub.
"
"my bucket list shows what i'll do
before dying?my dreams coming true.
i just drank a beer
in milwaukee, so here
goes a check mark by three-forty-two.
"
"""let them audit. we're back from the brink!
to creative accounting we drink!""
boast the guys seeking praise
for their fraudulent ways
and their clever displays of black ink.
"
"anorchidic, he wound up in brawls
after ridicule, razzes, and calls
from the guys who disputed
his manhood and hooted,
""hey, buddy, you ain't got no balls!""
"
"cats and dogs are those bills that are strays,
being saved by the congress for days
when the schedule is light
and no floor fight's in sight.
time to vote: count the yeas and the nays.
"
"she's a seller of crap at the fair?
no compunction and nary a care.
putting caveat emptor
on signs will exempt her
from blame: let the buyer beware.
"
"caloric restriction's the key:
no more normal nutrition for me.
now i'll diet for life
and live long as my wife,
who won't die till 103.
"
"dime novelists trafficked in cheap
and sensational fare?not that deep.
books with romance, suspense,
or a thrill for ten cents
were devoured and then tossed in a heap.
"
"a calculable number is one
you determine, when reckoning's done,
by enlisting the aid
of a boy in third grade
who's a math whiz?your eight-year-old son.
"
"cruciverbalophobia seems
like the stuff of a screenwriter's dreams.
but it's clear that you fear
doing crosswords, my dear,
'cause i'm hearing your blood-curdling screams.
"
"these bananas have reddish-brown rot,
and their leaves seem to wilt on the spot.
in the celebes, plantain
is far from enchantin'
when blood disease ruins the lot.
"
"she disputes what i say and i do?
always scolds and debates like a shrew.
she's a difficult wife,
but the love of my life.
(she's a beauty and billionaire, too.)
"
"you live in a mansion or palace
in the south texas city of alice,
if your house has wood floors
and the plumbing's indoors.
(that's a joke that they tell up in dallas.)
"
"the cutlines (those captions we read
under photos) will often succeed
when the pictures alone
don't inform on their own.
just a sentence or two's all we need.
"
"he's a biggie in baghdad, and few in
iraq are complainin' or booin'.
if folks had to name
just one hero, i'd claim
that muntadhar al-zeidi's a shoe-in.
"
"conservatives hope to dispost
all the leftists who rule coast to coast:
""vote 'em out at the polls
in november?they're trolls!
we hate reid and pelosi the most!""
"
"she was married for years to a chump,
who ivana decided to dump.
they're divorced to this day,
but his name has cachet,
and so that's why the lady's a trump.
"
"technicians use deconvolution
for instrument noise diminution,
removing the buzz
from recordings because
it provides better sound resolution.
"
"the white-crowned american wigeon
has a short narrow bill (like a pigeon).
it breeds in the north,
has its hatchlings, goes forth
to find forage, then feeds them a smidgen.
"
"amour propre's a delicate pride
in oneself?an esteem many hide.
since regard self-directed
is often suspected
as vainness, best keep it inside.
"
"my pals in the english class pause,
then erupt in unbridled guffaws,
when i stand and avow
""santa's helper"" is how
i'm defining subordinate clause.
"
"i'm adept with a hammer and saw;
electricians all hold me in awe.
when abuilding, i'm fleet.
see that 20-amp seat?
it's a chair for my mother-in-law.
"
"for the terrible taste that it brings,
this is one of my least favored things.
sip its water and savor
the irony flavor?
beware the chalybeate springs!
"
"though body's a word that we've heard
used for solids, it also referred
once to liquids and gases,
all kinds and all classes?
a usage that now seems absurd.
"
"these dorsal-finned, spiny-gilled fishes
were toothless and likely not vicious.
acanthodes are known
by their fossils alone.
who can say if they tasted delicious?
"
"the acadian flycatcher's cry
is a peet, a soft tweet from on high,
and the last thing that's heard
from this green-crested bird
by an insect it plucks from the sky.
"
"burning sugar was leaving a stain
on our maui lanai. why complain?
we just snuck in the fields
and diminished their yields
by judiciously razing some cane.
"
"how much will this surface abrade?
here's a meter?a measurement aid.
on a test film apply
an abrasive, then eye
the device where the readout's displayed.
"
"yes i will. no i won't. yes i will.
no i can't. yes i can. what a pill!
what's the matter with me?
i'm abulic, you see.
no i'm not. yes i am. oh, be still!
"
"when you're playing the music at pleasure,
then it's a bene placito?measure
for measure at will
with a license to chill
and to thrill in melodious leisure.
"
"the conductor conducted by rote,
and the orchestra clanked every note.
if i'm asked, on a quiz,
what disharmony is,
then disconcert is getting my vote.
"
"his is such an embarrassing binge,
yet his conscience feels nary a twinge.
now this cringeworthy souse
wants his drinks on the house?
and, told no, has the chutzpah to whinge?!
"
"stay collected, well-focused, and calm.
think perhaps of the gilead balm.
to prepare for your death,
take a very deep breath,
then start quoting the 23rd psalm.
"
"there's the voice of a spirit i hear:
it's a whisper, disbodied and drear.
i see no one around,
yet the eeriest sound
keeps redounding all day in my ear.
"
"sending notices out in the mail,
posting bills in the mall with a nail:
this is circularization,
a key stimulation
for businesses hyping a sale.
"
"there are credits for hours in a week
you have classes, like physics or greek.
in most colleges here,
thirty credits a year
are the norm (maybe more for a geek).
"
"a third-rate reviewer named shea
writes a withering pan of my play.
he's the worst of the worst
criticasters?and first
of the bastards who'll trash me today.
"
"for a time now, my hips have been hoitin';
and i'll need to replace them?that's soitin.
i oughta be takin'
that cartilage-makin'
new supplement known as chondroitin.
"
"connect-the-dots problems ain't tough?
they're the ones you can do off the cuff.
draw a line in your mind
between facts and you'll find
the solution is simple enough.
"
"connect-the-dots journalists choose
different facts from all over to fuse?
by deciding what's key
among all that they see?
a coherent report for the news.
"
"at a mathematician's abode,
i had dinner?the food overflowed.
seven courses to eat,
with the last one a sweet:
for dessert, i ate pi ? la mode.
"
"using coloreds for blacks was okay
for caucasians way back in the day.
but the term turned offensive,
made folks apprehensive,
and gradually faded away.
"
"your unending complaints give me grief.
keep on griping?you won't get relief.
all that bullcrap you're pitching?
the grumbling, the bitching?
won't sell: i ain't buying your beef.
"
"of acarapis mites, none are worse
than the ones that the beekeepers curse.
if they get in a hive,
all the bees now alive
will be leaving by way of a hearse.
"
"he manhandles girders and grates,
bucks up rivets in holes of steel plates,
bangs on i-beams all day,
and won't dare to display
any fear or effeminate traits.
"
"to the bishop and priests in oostende,
some matters, the ones called agenda,
are practical duties.
the doctrinal beauties?
those founded on faith?are credenda.
"
"i'm debating and arguing futilely,
getting treated incredibly brutally.
so it's useful to take
an appropriate break,
switch approaches, and argue ab utili.
"
"classic cars are the stars of the show?
vintage autos for fans in the know.
the concours d'elegance
has delages, duponts,
and pierce-arrows. (i drive a peugeot.)
"
"it's the yiddischer comedy club,
where the kibitzers kvetch at each flub.
stand-up comics? they're nuts!
tonight's warm-up's a putz
and the headliner acts like a schlub.
"
"asia minor was home to these folks,
who were masters of practical jokes.
they were chalybes, working
with metal while irking
the greeks with their pig-iron pokes.
"
"i see flatware without any stains
in that thing where the dishwater drains.
but i don't know its name,
and i'm feeling some shame
since all day i've been racking my brains.
"
"father john, after total immersal
in thought, shocked the choir rehearsal:
""there's no jesus,"" he said;
""we'll praise janus instead""
(a reform?in two ways?controversal).
"
"my hip bone's not cartilage-bare,
but arthritis has started to flare.
since what's worn down before
will degenerate more,
a replacement makes sense?not repair.
"
"most omanis belong to a sect
that's islamic and garners respect.
these abadites won't mix
with the faithless, but nix
being hostile?that's just not correct.
"
"the flowering herb by that tree
kinda looks like a monkshood to me.
it has aconite, which
can alleviate itch
and ensure you're insomnia-free.
"
"a possum lies dead in the street,
now a mass of malodorous meat.
this is carrion?flesh
so decayed and unfresh
even hillbillies have to retreat.
"
"hemophilia, glanzmann's, leukemia,
hiv, and aplastic anemia.
every one's a disease
of the blood?as are these:
thalassemia, polycythemia.
"
"their fame as political whizzes
gives rise to clintonian quizzes.
when he's asked if his wife
is the love of his life,
bill replies, ""it depends on what 'is' is.""
"
"they say artemis, bathing, was caught
by actaeon, which made her distraught.
so she, as a gag,
turned him into a stag
and his dogs ate him up on the spot.
"
"he was banished for life from the base,
and his medals were stripped in disgrace.
dedecoration is tough?
no more strutting his stuff.
then again, now he's free to wear lace.
"
"here's an ode i've successfully penned
to the peak we're about to ascend.
yes, it's finally come
to completion?in sum,
reached its sweet consummation. the end.
"
"the measures we take are defensive;
our arming is swift and intensive.
obama's the prez
and we've heard what he says
about guns?yes, we're damned apprehensive.
"
"what's codilla? well, here are the facts:
it's the coarse tow of hemp, jute, or flax?
like the fiber in twines
or the stuffing that lines
our recliners and comforts our backs.
"
"lying down, either prone or supine,
is decumbency?how we recline.
for a lier like me
and a lady like thee,
i am wondering: thy place or mine?
"
"pull the reins 'til his body's in flexion;
shift his weight in a rearward direction.
arch his head at the poll,
jaws relaxed; keep control.
that's your horse in a state of collection.
"
"being dactylodeiktous, i see
fingers frequently pointing at me:
mostly indexes, right
(fewer left ones in sight),
while from middles i'm thankfully free.
"
"how could cherry, mahogany, white,
paper, silver, and yellow unite?
each refers to a kind
of a birch tree you'll find
as you search through the limericks we write.
"
"a commonsense fella relies
on his judgment and wit to be wise.
he's the type who would say,
in a practical way,
""ah believes what ah sees with my eyes.""
"
"our house lot, whose steep land gradation
was once part of a soil-worn plantation,
had some maples around.
coafforesting ground,
we've created a ""dense woods"" sensation.
"
"the rule we've established protects
us from buyers in certain respects.
so you're trying to pay
with a ?apek, you say?
well, we can't accept personal czechs.
"
"a prelate (and charlemagne's friend)
named albinus was asked to amend
and unshackle the schools
from their frankified rules.
thus a renaissance started. the end.
"
"deliverable items include
a baby, a basket of food,
a package, a letter,
some flowers?or better:
a telegram sung in the nude.
"
"allied forces invaded the beaches
at normandy, hearing the screeches?
those frightening whistles
of bullets and missiles.
on d-day, 'twas into the breaches!
"
"an isle in the bay of bengal
disappears, leading people to call,
""global warming is here!""
the denialists jeer,
since they clearly won't miss it at all.
"
"alfred wegener measures each rift
and deduces that continents shift.
then he hatches a theory
on plates with a query:
""tectonics? you catching my drift?""
"
"my flakes are what makes spirits lift,
so to washington kids i'm a gift.
but their parents get frightened
by roads that are whitened.
'sno wonder?you catching my drift?
"
"the quakers ban boozing and junk
when they're cruising to shoot at a punk.
their society's rule
is ""sobriety's cool.""
that's why friends don't let friends drive by drunk.
"
"the point guard at vanderbilt laughed:
""smoking weed is improving my craft.
i can penetrate, pass,
shoot, and dribble with class,
so i'm sure to go high in the draft.""
"
"the marshal meets badman mcgraw
in laredo to lay down the law.
the gunfight is brief
and to both a relief,
since it starts and it ends with a draw.
"
"the cuts at the famed oregonian
are shockingly deep and draconian.
the newspaper trade
is kaput, i'm afraid.
what's the future of news? the iphonian!
"
"when he answers the door knock at dawn,
gilbert stuart finds troops on his lawn.
""you will take in this boarder
and sketch him,"" they order.
""lord north must be quartered and drawn.""
"
"this dragoman knows how to parse; he
interprets both turkish and farsi.
yes, his english is good,
but it's well understood
here in brooklyn he can't speak canarsie.
"
"acanthocheilonema's no germ?
it's a genus of tropical worm.
one that's under my skin
has moved up to my chin,
which explains why my whiskers now squirm.
"
"at a market in faro, i see
abacates on sale and buy three.
i'll be using the fruit
in a garnish?a beaut,
which i've dubbed ""avocado confit.""
"
"the adjective drive serves us well
by describing those things that propel:
tandem bicycle chains,
motor vehicle trains,
types of nozzles, and pipes in a well.
"
"use lingo and, bingo, vexation:
new workers get lost in translation.
when you stop with your slinging
of slang, they'll be singing,
""hooray for dejargonization!""
"
"an abongo was banging a bongo,
made of wood from a tree, the mugongo.
an ndongo walked by,
gave the tribesman the eye,
then continued along to the congo.
"
"acanthology's focus is spines,
but it's only particular kinds.
they're not humans' or books'
but those sea urchins' hooks,
many sharper than dinner forks' tines.
"
"back-alley abortions dismayed
many folks and, in consequence, preyed
on the soul of our nation:
women faced desperation
and crisis before roe v. wade.
"
"they study inanimate things,
not koalas or kumquats or kings.
abiologists thrill
over stuff you can't kill.
oh, what liveliness lifelessness brings!
"
"i'm dismayed and distressed to report
that back-alley abortions (the sort
we abhorred in the past)
may return pretty fast:
sam alito is now on the court!
"
"a camel gets horny one day,
mounts a mare while she's munching on hay.
but the bull can just thrust:
he's aspermic?a bust.
it's a dry hump in more than one way.
"
"it's a barbarous social condition,
a backward or base exhibition,
cruel act or device?
like the rack to entice
folks to talk during spain's inquisition.
"
"defalcations are failures to meet
expectations?a form of defeat:
like a promise you break
or defection you make
or commitment you shirk by deceit.
"
"an acrobat, cream of the crop,
karl wallenda rose fast to the top.
this aerial king
had the world on a string.
life was good to the very last drop.
"
"the princess, allergic to hay,
has been sniffling and sneezing since may.
now she's wooed by a knight
with a potion that might
have isolde on dristan all day.
"
"it's a mixture of items diverse,
like a mai tai or stinger we nurse.
in beijing and l.a.,
fog and smoke interplay:
city cocktails that rarely disperse.
"
"artemisia abrotanum? oh, dear!
it's a wormwood once used to make beer.
this american plant
(i say southernwood) can't
get my old man much drunker, i fear.
"
"to breastfeed in public once stunned,
and the mothers who did it were shunned.
but today it's old hat;
and i'm glad about that,
'cause la lecher's a term that i punned.
"
"fifty sons heard aegyptus command:
""you must capture a danaid's hand,""
but then danaus called
all his daughters and hauled
them to argos, a faraway land.
"
"the slovakian capital's blue.
bratislavans don't know what to do.
seems a paraguay win
has them all in a spin
as their hopes for a world cup are through.
"
"the creek should drop quickly and leap
down the hill through the herbs we will reap.
with too gentle a slope,
we'll surrender all hope
for our pickles: dill waters run steep.
"
"kids see violence and sex more today
in the video games that they play.
morbid images?killing
and gore?have been filling
their minds: it's a carno buffet!
"
"i'm a  back-of-the-envelope guy,
and the letter said, ""kindly reply,""
so i hastily wrote
on its wrapper this note:
""the addressee has moved to brunei.""
"
"adcomsubordcomphibspac? gee!
there's no acronym longer than me.
i'm a navy command
of a fleet that has spanned
the pacific and made it our sea.
"
"some women achieve great celebrity,
get quoted and cited with crebrity.
why they're noticed so much is
'cause we're in their clutches?
enthralled by their raw muliebrity.
"
"your dominion and influence hold
over all you have seized and controlled.
your ascendance is clear;
you're supreme around here.
sorry, dear, but that shtick's getting old.
"
"jane fonda was famed for her part
as bree daniels, a cold-blooded tart.
now she's caring, not mean,
sipping liquor that's green.
they say absinthe's made fonda grow heart.
"
"this word, to  the aeromechanic,
means ""aircraft"" (that's not the titanic).
it's a prefix, as well:
aerophobia's hell?
fly in aeros? the thought makes some panic.
"
"when a bbc newsreader spoke
to his friends in relating a joke,
he used clipped and succinct
proper english, then winked,
""i'm received as a regular bloke.""
"
"what's designative serves as a sign
that can indicate, mark, or define:
hester prynne had an a
on her chest?a display
meant to designate crossing a line.
"
"a chemical-laden faux food,
this cruller is better eschewed.
what i've read on this package
of doughnutty snackage
is making me pray to st. jude.
"
"he yearns to stand out from the knaves?
have his sculpting draw critical raves.
so he's given the heave-ho
to basso-relievo:
it's higher relief that he craves.
"
"this packhorse's tail is a dock;
not a purebred, it looks like a crock.
it's a cocktail, my friends,
like a man who pretends
to be highborn but comes from low stock.
"
"try this pineapple?bite it and see
what you think of the abacaxi.
yes, it's juicy and sweet
and delicious to eat.
most brazilians would surely agree.
"
"wherever our mayor appears,
there's a doubter who dishes out jeers.
he's a clinchpoop, a lout,
shouting, ""throw the bum out!
vote for me!""?which just falls on deaf ears.
"
"business casual's coming? oh, dear!
we're traditional lawyers in here.
gucci suits, herm?s ties,
john robb shoes all comprise
the disguise that implies we're sincere.
"
"this verse was in need of a core thought,
so i gave it some thought and some more thought:
let's put apples?the pomes
such as galas and romes?
at its core, showing malus aforethought.
"
"here's cellulose-methyl-carboxy
(writ backwards)?it's not an epoxy.
this substance is gummy
and, put in your tummy,
will work as a laxative proxy.
"
"my wife has a sibling named hugh;
he's my brother-in-law?this is true.
now my sister luann
just got married to dan,
who's a man and my bro-in-law, too.
"
"my acro class partner is lying
supine on the floor as he's trying
to lift me up high
in a posture?oh, my!
there's no yoga like acro for flying!
"
"the pitcher is throwing a cutter,
a fastball that breaks, and i mutter.
it has none of the swerve
of his signature curve
but unnerves me no less with its flutter.
"
"this humanoid robot can walk,
open doors, carry objects, and talk.
using voice recognition,
it's asimo's mission
to serve you so well you won't squawk.
"
"abbreviated numbers are cropped:
some significant digits get dropped.
""5.3,"" notes the nerd,
""stands for  5 1/3,
but with infinite 3's being lopped.""
"
"to say aye gives a ""yes"" in a vote,
or to orders, if barked on a boat.
if two ""yes men"" compete
for your favor and meet,
would their aye for an aye get your goat?
"
"should a cygnet whose plumage is brown
disregard the occasional frown
it attracts from the pens
in the bevy?her friends?
and pretend they're not dressing her down?
"
"planned a party as big as they get;
went in hock for a band and joan jett.
sent out invites ? a ton.
the replies? not a one!
now i'm dreading a f?te worse than debt.
"
"sherlock holmes, in discomfort, is plotzin'.
every loo that he spots he just trots in.
when asked where it hurts
by his colleague, he blurts,
""aliment'ry, my dear dr. watson.""
"
"she's long been the star of her show,
and the line past her coffin moves slow.
ms. o'hair is at rest
with no need to be blessed?
all dressed up and with no place to go.
"
"this dressmaker's colors are primes:
reds and yellows, not fuchsias or limes.
all classically sewn,
her apparel is known
by its moniker: seams like old times.
"
"we'll be adding a drink to the list
since our literate clients insist.
if we market it well,
this martini could sell
like the dickens: no olive or twist.
"
"young freud got a bike christmas morn,
took apart every piece but the horn,
studied all of their specs,
and that night dreamed of sex.
thus was cycle analysis born.
"
"the pilsners and porters he mocks;
the kvasses and lagers he knocks.
every kind of beer stinks
'cept the one that he drinks,
never thinking outside of the bocks.
"
"the bride says she's feeling some stress
and is fighting the urge to obsess
over some of the things
that her wedding day brings,
which include a new name and a dress.
"
"""i'm partial to cabinets, rings,
cherries, parties, and hats since they're things
to which cocktail applies,""
purrs a gal to the guys
after swilling six singapore slings.
"
"i'm shocked that the public ignores
what goes on in our furniture stores,
where chests get caressed,
kings and queens stand undressed,
and there's regular dropping of drawers.
"
"gibelotte de lapin was a stew
served to diners in paris who knew
they were chewing the fat
of not rabbit but cat
when the meat in it started to mew.
"
"on a recent south african stay,
i explored table mountain one day.
this capetonian site
is a tourist delight,
with a wonderful view of the bay.
"
"i'm a dedicated man when at work;
there's no task or assignment i shirk.
i'm so focused and zealous
my colleagues are jealous
(as well as convinced i'm a jerk).
"
"bph is a prostate condition
where the gland's so enlarged that excision
is sometimes employed
when a fellow can't void
or enjoy a nocturnal emission.
"
"what a lexical puzzle is dord.
it's a word meaning ""density""? lord!
etymology? none.
this will surely be fun?
such a mystery must be explored!

seems an editor made a mistake,
and so dord's not a word but a fake.
""d or d""  was misread
on a note card, which led
to an error that sure takes the cake.
"
"""concord grape juice, a favorite of mine,
has no tartrate, a substance in wine.
it's detartrated?"" ""hon,
that's a palindrome, one
of the longest and top-of-the-line.""
"
"it's a method that doctors suggest
for designing a medical test:
every treatment is sealed
till results are revealed.
try a double blind?why not the best?
"
"for a substance occurring in tar,
this acridine goes pretty far.
if you open your eyes,
you will see it in dyes
and where'er pharmaceuticals are.
"
"we have celadon earthenware pots,
also meissen and crackleware?lots
of ceramics, all swell,
that our potters will sell
(even porcelain toys for the tots).
"
"""on your cornea's edge there are pits,
shallow dellen, which need a quick spritz,""
says my doctor, while snipping
the sclera and quipping,
""here's mud in your eye!"" as he spits.
"
"if you clumsily hammer your thumb,
ice it promptly to render it numb.
congelation, or freezing,
stops swelling while easing
the pain. and it's quicker than rum.
"
"my cortical blindness is due,
says my doc, to a lesion or two
in my visual cortex,
so please don't get sore, tex,
if ever i pee on your shoe.
"
"there's a verb widely spoken today
that gives twits?mostly brits?much dismay.
it appears in this verse,
so feel free to asperse,
disrespect, and malign me. okay?
"
"once unwrapped, angie angrily rent
the container in which she'd been sent.
""i'm distressed, not impressed,
to have been ups'ed!
did you think that's what angiogram meant?""
"
"i'm a fool for a banquet or luncheon,
and my double chin's doubled from munchin'.
so i'm getting my jaws
wired shut, which should cause
a reversal of four-chin to one-chin.
"
"why does dracula wipe every throat
that he'll bite with a tissue of note?
it appears he's in dread
of those germs that can spread,
so on kleenex this vampire must dote.
"
"joe is datively holding a post
counting votes in the ivory coast.
job security's nil
since he serves at the will
of the president?soon to be toast.
"
"an aspartate transaminase test
is performed at your doctor's request.
if it shows that increased
ast's been released
in your blood, then your organs are stressed.
"
"""that cirrus cloud up in the sky
is a cocktail, which looks to my eye
like the tail of a rooster,""
he said as he goosed her
and sipped an old-fashioned with rye.
"
"drug cocktails aren't drinks made with rye
that you down with ""here's mud in your eye!""
they're medicinal mixtures
(and hospital fixtures)
for patients who hope not to die.
"
"a fruit cup or shrimp are ideal
for the very first course of a meal,
whetting appetites nicely,
thus serving precisely
to highlight the cocktail's appeal.
"
"""bloody marys with vodka, cocaine,
and some meth for that mass in your brain?
those are cocktails with drugs?
just not ours,"" the doc shrugs.
""but they're sure gonna lessen the pain.""
"
"creatives are admen who write
the commercials we see every night.
watching chicks on tv
licking lips, i think, ""gee!
gotta buy me some michelob light.""
"
"drawing blood, in its literal sense,
speaks to acts that make bleeding commence.
as a metaphor, though,
with no gore and no flow,
it refers to a verbal offense.
"
"a church is abustle with loud,
angry catholics?a hell of a crowd.
they're elbowing, yelling,
and damning the selling
of turin's mysterious shroud.
"
"this bushwhacker seems in a rush;
with his sickle he's clearing the brush.
his plan for the land
is more hurried than grand:
just a can with one hole and no flush.
"
"list the reals from 0 to 1,
then perform this diagonal run:
change a digit in each
to construct (so they teach)
one more number that's real. you're done.
"
"a tarheel's a north carolinian,
and a cagliari man is sardinian.
is that tango rou?
playing f?tbol today
in jun?n with jos? argentinian?
"
"the muslims and christians and jews
in damascus can't do as they choose.
they must first show respect
to a lesser-known sect.
this tradition's called paying one's druze.
"
"in beijing, people speak pekingese?
to the south, in guangzhou, cantonese.
though the difference is clear
to the mandarin ear,
for all i know, they're both siamese!
"
"author erich maria was dark,
and by nature acerbic and stark.
when he wanted, he'd write
with acidulous bite,
thus defining the cutting remarque.
"
"some slang use is hard to combat.
it can mask our intent when we chat.
the phrase crap shooting could
wind up misunderstood:
it's a dice game, not hunting for scat.
"
"i've been cocktailed and partied and wined
so darn much that my health has declined.
if i never get toasted,
saluted, or hosted
again?well, my liver won't mind.
"
"in my spectrum analysis classes,
i learned about light as it passes
through media: lines
of absorption are signs
of electron excitement in gases.
"
"these indigenous people were legion?
aborigens roaming the region.
no lapland invader,
intruder, or raider
supplanted the native norwegian.
"
"i'm a courtesy flusher?a man
who's polite when he craps in the can.
when my very first turd
hits the water, what's heard
is a whoosh! so no smell hits the fan.
"
"hey, gramps, when you lower your pants
out in public, most folks look askance.
if you're planning on dropping
your drawers while we're shopping,
i want a heads-up in advance.
"
"defensive indifference? no sin
for this catcher, who flashes a grin.
letting runners take second
implies that he's reckoned
the score means they've locked up the win.
"
"the champ can be open and frank
with the scrabble crown now in the bank:
""that was luck, i'm afraid,
since the bingos i played
came about after drawing a blank.""
"
"these birds are aquatic, with bills,
heavy bodies, webbed feet, but no gills.
from the anatids?swans,
geese and ducks on the ponds?
we get eiderdown, goose grease, and quills.
"
"said the abbot, ""i'm moving the site
of the abbey to wigan tonight.
they'll be mourning at dawn
when the abbeystead's gone.
shabby treatment? you bet. serves 'em right!""
"
"an australopithecid found
near johannesburg's quickly renowned.
it's a species, we think,
with a humanoid link,
called sediba (for ""spring underground"").
"
"the abongo's a tribe in gabon,
kin to pygmies, and small when full-grown.
hunter-gatherers all
and quite mobile, they call
friends in congo by cellular phone.
"
"this book of devotions is one
that your grandfather willed to me, son.
i pray you'll take pleasure
in owning a treasure:
our heir-to-heir missal. have fun!
"
"if a implies b, you cannot
say that b implies a, 'cause that's rot!
you're falsely asserting
the consequent, skirting
a logical rule you've forgot.
"
"damoiseaux learn to ride and to fight,
thus to practice the skills of the knight.
might young nobles in france,
spotting birds, use the lance
to impale damn oiseaux that alight?
"
"i've befriended a dark, short-necked goose,
which i feed so it doesn't vamoose.
this american brant
looks so tasty?i can't
wait to roast it and serve it au jus.
"
"the anseriformes comprise
many creatures, and every one flies.
in this order are swans,
geese and ducks on our ponds
and mergansers above in the skies.
"
"a reflective, appreciative colonel
inscribes on a page of his journal:
i've spent all my life
with my mistress and wife
showing each of them love diuturnal.
"
"where is diallage frequently found?
inside igneous rocks in the ground.
this pyroxene, whose sheen
may be bronze or dark green,
tends to thrill the geology hound.
"
"business sexual: that's how i dress?
low-cut tops and tight skirts for success.
i'd go further, in fact,
but i'd likely get sacked.
wearing less might distract, not impress.
"
"the source of celebutards' fame
is behavior that should lead to shame,
like the kook who had plans
to burn all those korans.
let's ignore them?or share in the blame!
"
"disrespect is a lack of esteem
that can range from polite to extreme.
i conceal my disdain
for the snide or inane,
but decry those who gossip or scheme.
"
"the bottom's dropped out of the market,
and i'm bummed by what happened to spark it.
the butt lift i'd planned
in dumbarton's been canned.
and my droddum? i'll just have to park it.
"
"a congressman says to his spouse,
""yes, i hate prohibition. don't grouse.
we'll soon vote on repeal,
and i honestly feel
you won't see a dry aye in the house.""
"
"a blawg is a blog about law?
jurisprudence?that's likely to draw
the attorneys, d.a.s,
and professors who'll raise
their objections to men made of straw.
"
"in the drylots upstate are the calves
getting fat for the affluent haves
who eat veal scaloppini
with sides of linguine
on park, fifth, and madison aves.
"
"an ant mill's a circle of ants
in a spiral or rotating dance,
ever marching around
till they die on the ground
in fatigue from their pheromone trance.
"
"the girls act bizarrely and quirkily,
embracing left causes while perkily
kissing police
as they're marching for peace
in the people's republic of berkeley.
"
"a barkentine captain named wright
studied binary digits by night.
he was fooling around
when his boat ran aground.
now his barque is much worse than his byte.
"
"an irishman wearing a kilt
slams a marathon runner full tilt.
the paddy's beret
and apparel outr?
help to prove, in a fashion, his guilt.
"
"after hoffa stops paying his dues,
the mob ships his body in shoes
of all-purpose cement
to a meadowlands gent.
it's a hoffa this guy can't refuse.
"
"my friend was a very late bloomer,
a joker and squirt gun consumer.
when his aim went awry,
i got shot in the eye.
i'm a victim of aqueous humor.
"
"an ivy league gymnast who fell
badly ruptured her right acl.
our arthroscopy team,
with procedures extreme,
got her back on the beam at cornell.
"
"the number i chose was generic:
a birth date, not too esoteric.
they hacked it and left.
'twas identity theft.
my pin shoulda been alphameric.
"
"norwegian cuisine can't be beat.
the gravlax with dill is a treat.
but the lutefisk in lye
makes the strongest men cry.
so to down it, they chug aquavit.
"
"a dybbuk, the wandering soul
of a dead man, has taken control
of my body; so, dear,
it's that troll you caught here?
and not me?with your sister nicole.
"
"""try some dogmeat?the flesh of a mutt;
i have skewered bichon in my hut,""
said a vietnamese
who was aiming to please
and was shocked i was anything but.
"
"a shoulder joint's causing alarm:
have i collarbone-scapula harm?
my acromioclavicular
pain is articular?
prompted by raising my arm.
"
"a dilemma's a difficult problem,
something people find often can hobblem.
it's a terrible fix?
take these cinnamon sticks:
should i stop or continue to gobblem?
"
"my right arm was around the girl's waist;
on my shoulder her left hand was placed.
free hands joined, we were posed
in a stance they call closed.
round the floor in a quickstep we raced.
"
"not the usual kind to complain,
i can't take this emotional pain.
i've been sullied, defiled, 	
and distained by her wild
accusations?your mother's insane!
"
"these artifacts found in bombay
were intended for use, not display;
but some dotty old fool
thinks they're arty and cool,
so he's labeled them ""objets trouv?s.""
"
"as a clown, costard often amuses,
but in love's labour's lost when he uses
""honorificabilitud-
initatibus,"" will a dude,
upon hearing it, think the fool boozes?
"
"said the prince's physician, ""your highness's
brain has its pluses and minuses.
yes, it's healthy and sound,
but some bats have been found
flying round in your confluence of sinuses.""
"
"driven cattle you're herding don't stay
rounded up; and some cows go astray,
often prompting a race
vexing cowboys who chase
every dogie, so none gets away.
"
"an anterior drawer test will tell
if i've suffered a torn acl.
i'm supine, and my knee's
bent at 90 degrees.
says my doc, ""this won't hurt."" (yeah, like hell!)
"
"using diaphanography might,
at one time in the past, have shone light
on the question of cancers
in breasts. now the answer's
mammography: squeezing 'em tight.
"
"the original fauna and flora
we might find in a place, like andorra,
biologists call
aborigines: all
living things, even nematospora.
"
"argentum is silver? i see.
that explains why its symbol's ag
in the elements table?
an interesting label
for aggies who study chem e.
"
"yes, i follow the rules, but i shun
blind conformity. why? it's no fun!
let the others be mulish.
consistency's foolish?
the little mind's hobgoblin, son.
"
"""you'll take pro, i'll take con. then you'll gratingly
argue your points, but frustratingly
not choose to fish
or cut bait, and just pish
at my brilliance,"" said thomas debatingly.
"
"horses spent, overworked in the sun;
plays that close at the end of their run;
actions proper or meet;
armies doomed to defeat:
four examples of things that are done.
"
"the boxer takes shots to the chin,
but still hopes to hang on for the win.
he ends every round
more fatigued, then is downed
in the seventh?completely done in.
"
"since a trade has a clear-cut appeal,
i'll pursue an agreement with zeal,
come to terms with my friend,
then shake hands at the end
to secure and achieve a done deal.
"
"a dowager clutches her pearls
in response to the actions of churls.
she's expressing dismay
at their public display
of pure lust?men are whistling at girls!
"
"the day of his reckoning's nearing,
with that damned disciplinary hearing.
he's broken the rules
by ignoring the school's
prohibition on touching and leering.
"
"i've an office that's dative?a treasure
i hold at the governor's pleasure.
since it comes as a gift,
i don't think he'll be miffed
to discover i grift at my leisure.
"
"as hamlet meanders about
and considers the coward's way out,
wond'ring whether to be
or to not be, we see
his aporia (desperate doubt).
"
"here's the reason i harbor an odium
for the genus of herbs chenopodium:
when i baked and ate bread
made from goosefoot, it led
to the pot and a lot of imodium.
"
"the commerce clause serves as the source
of the power of congress to force
any uninsured guy
to buy health care?no lie.
the supremes will prevent this, of course.
"
"there's an indirect object i see
in your ""send me an rsvp.""
it's the pronoun you're choosing
and datively using:
the first-person singular me.
"
"""i must study the chemical bonds
that form datively,"" katie responds,
as she turns down a date.
she's a lab rat i'd rate
as an 8 among mateable blondes.
"
"i'm christopher, true, but i ain't
like that fella i'm named for?the saint.
i was sinless till twelve,
when i started to delve
into matters that made my mom faint.
"
"an acephalocyst holds a worm
that is larval and lives for a term
in the fluid, then grows;
and as everyone knows,
its eruption can make a man squirm.
"
"when one atom contributes a pair
of electrons, its chemical share
of a bond is called dative.
i find that creative?
an instance of latinate flair.
"
"when i utter the word for a vase
made by greeks, i don't think i'm off base.
to the pedants who say
that it's ""amphora""?hey,
it's ""amphora""! get outta my face!
"
"arithmetic's easy for me.
i add 2 to a 7 and 3
and get 12. it's a breeze.
but that algebra? jeez!
what's the sum of an x, y, and z?
"
"for an indirect object, embrace
the term dative to label the case
of the nouns to which verbs
grant their work, as with serbs
in: ""i'm giving serbs kudos for grace.""
"
"simon cowell, american idol's
persnickety brit, often bridles
at audience boos.
randy jackson's a-snooze.
miss abdul? someone, quick! check her vitals!
"
"from american idol i've taken
some guilty delight, even makin'
a call and a vote
for a singer of note?
the refreshing and dorky clay aiken.
"
"come to abbottabad, now the town
of osama bin laden renown.
this islamabad 'burb
has a view that's superb
of the place where the seals took him down.
"
"i'm addicted to liquor, but abler,
through help from my wife, to seem stabler.
codependence is great!
i've a marvelous mate
who's a ready and willing enabler.
"
"aurora's a town in missouri,
away from the bustle and fury
of big-city worries,
where nobody hurries.
the sheriff's the judge and the jury.
"
"we're the women with colpocystitis:
inflammation that serves to unite us.
with vaginas this sore
(bladders, too!), we abhor
puerile jokes that make light of or slight us.
"
"when you defense a center like shaq,
body up, hold your ground, guard the rack.
if they feed him down low
and he's able to go
to the hoop, you'll be flat on your back.
"
"says my hearing-deficient pal jeff
(with a nose so acute he's a chef):
""why do farts stink, marcel?""
""i don't know, jeff?do tell.""
""for the benefit, well, of the deaf.""
"
"alimental: this word's obsolete.
it was once used for food that we eat,
and for sap from a tree.
so what nourishes me?
i'm a vegan?it's surely not meat!
"
"athabasca has oil in its sand,
which canadians well understand.
but it's troubling to see
they're allowing bp
to come drill and develop the land.
"
"a trucker who's weary and stressed
stops his rig at a trooper's behest.
when he's ordered to nap,
he refuses and . . . zap!
he gets tased for resisting a rest.
"
"you're seeking a word that is neat-o?
take nitrile and prefix aceto-.
what was cyanide will
be a solvent, but still,
if you drink it, your life is finito.
"
"beta particles: what can i say
of these products of beta decay?
they're electrons that spew
from the nucleus . . . (ooh,
i'm a sly beta master today!)
"
"the man who just married my aunt
is a taskmaster, relatives grant.
a dutch uncle, he's stern:
""listen up, punk! you'll learn
not to speak out of turn or?"" ""i shan't!""
"
"a tribute to muscle and guile,
the cyclopean masonry style
featured walls made of boulders
sans mortar, where shoulders
and mettle were put to the trial.
"
"for their kegger, a college adviser
provides a new  breath analyzer.
a party they gave
sent a kid to his grave,
so they're sipping now, sadder, budweiser.
"
"there was demonry plaguing celeste
till an exorcist drove out the pest.
but her parents were tight,
wouldn't pay for the rite,
and one night found celeste repossessed.
"
"two mennonites, jacob and ray,
have designed a new cart to haul hay.
from one morn until night,
they work hard for the right
name to give it, then call it a dray.
"
"a crock is a broken-down horse
whose career has at last run its course.
so let's all bid adieu
to the fortunate few
who, of glue, get to be a new source.
"
"the judge in a probate court grills
the attorneys, who show off their skills.
the deceased named two heirs,
each declaring their share's
more than half. it's a battle of wills.
"
"what does admirability mean?
it's a wonderful trait for a teen,
like the strength to stay calm
and polite when his mom
checks his ears to ensure that they're clean.
"
"it's a round anatomical part
at the end of a bone (or its start).
one capitulum sits
on your humerus. it's
not that funny when hit?it can smart!
"
"give a lung or a kidney?it's fun.
sign a card, leave a heart, you're the one.
dear compassionate donor,
forgive me this groaner:
my organ recital is done.
"
"the term algia, i'd like to explain,
is derived from the greek word for pain.
we ache when we roam,
in nostalgia for home
and our youth, along memory lane.
"
"""biretta, beretta, berretta?
which spelling is best here, or better?
is it this one or that
we should use for the hat
that a cardinal wears?"" asks this fretter.
"
"in our town, we've a sheriff who's wily:
he'll enforce prohibition laws slyly,
luring wets unawares
to malt liquor affairs.
""let them cry in their beer,"" he says dryly.
"
"for bush, the decider-in-chief,
the time to take action is brief:
""we're invading iraq,
and there's no looking back!
change our course? that'll only bring grief.""
"
"ardipithecus ramidus (ardi):
this fossil is here, a bit tardy.
she ups and appears
after five million years
rather ragged and bony, though hardy.
"
"finding dolerite, fresh-formed basalt,
with a fracture, two prospectors halt.
""you look first."" the response:
""after you."" like alphonse
and gaston, they're polite to a fault.
"
"a bat uses echolocation
as it flies to its next destination.
there's a call it emits
that rebounds when it hits
something solid?it's sound navigation.
"
"brian jones chose cremation and yearned
for his band mates to join him, we've learned.
each has purchased a vase
for the ashes, so brace
for the day we'll leave no stone unurned.
"
"to accommodate suffixes may
be appended to aid what you say.
adding -ness means ""the state
of felicity,"" mate.
adding  -ly? ""in a suitable way.""
"
"to the senate comes brutus one day
in a toga that's yellowish-gray.
it's so out there that caesar,
a notable teaser,
can't help but say, ""ecru, brute?""
"
"when -acea appears in a word
as a suffix, this must be inferred:
you have animals classed
by their nature?the cast
of cetacea has dolphins, i've heard.
"
"it's the state of amassing and growing,
like the flakes that pile up when it's snowing,
or debris from a blast
that accumulates fast,
or the grass in my bag as i'm mowing.
"
"on my death, i expect a necropsis
but, please, not a tabloid synopsis!
as my brother once said,
""if i die in my bed,
'twould be better alone than atop sis.""
"
"i'm edacious, just can't get enough
of the things that i want?y'know, stuff.
sure, my greed is a curse,
but my neighbors are worse.
(keeping up with the jonesing is tough.)
"
"young echo's in love with narcissus,
and dreams she'll one day be his missus.
but the youth has his eyes
on a handsomer prize.
""my reflection,"" he sighs, ""is what bliss is.""
"
"on good friday i anxiously prayed
that i'd find the false teeth i'd mislaid.
but my search came up short,
so i'm here to report
i ate lamb on that easter, pur?ed.
"
"got an invite today from the evanses
for a late-morning tea called elevenses.
since i've hit on them both,
i'm especially loath
to accept. i'm at sixes and sevenses.
"
"there's a word that will simply amaze.
it's a compound so long it would faze
any chemistry class?
forty letters en masse,
of which nine, if you count 'em, are a's.
"
"my lizabeth's lust is edacious;
in bed her libido's voracious.
when i fail to fulfill
all her needs, she does bill,
ernie, gil, and, if willing, ignatius.
"
"no washington redskins appear
to have noses to grindstones this year.
they're just rich sons-a-bitches?
too big for their britches?
all chiefs and no indians here.
"
"the body is moved from the bag
to a coffin that's draped with the flag.
vietnam is the war;
the lieutenant's no more,
having died playing capture the frag.
"
"homosexual marriages peeve
many folks who with fervor believe
that the bible is truth;
and they're righteous, forsooth,
as they ridicule adam and steve.
"
"to assure, to affirm, to attest
that officially something is best
(or is legal or true)
is to certify?you
guarantee it's been rightly assessed.
"
"let us praise this sublime ageratum,
a member of plants' upper stratum.
it's a tropical herb
that is simply superb.
i've included here more than one datum.
"
"a professor of math was astounded
by coeds with booties so rounded.
they were shapely and stacked,
yet, withal, quite compact:
hence, by heine-borel, closed and bounded.
"
"there's a month and (oy vey!) it's bizarre.
it's the one that the jews call adar.
on occasional years,
yet another appears.
it's amazing how close the two are.
"
"what a slippery trip it can be
when butterfish swims in the sea.
with his coating of mucus,
he slides through the fucus.
(this food fish just isn't for me.)
"
"i was under a sycamore tree,
and its leaves were as big as can be.
it was suddenly plain:
were i ducking from rain,
any buttonwood satisfy me!
"
"moneyed nelson was smooth, never sappy,
and, as new york state's guv, far from crappy.
although he met god
while atop megan's bod,
the adulterer's wife was still happy.
"
"a word that we frequently see
of one syllable turns into three
when it grows just a bit?
by one letter. to wit,
it's the third-person plural of be.
"
"""an earwig's a hideous creature,
and there's one on the face of our teacher!""
the student was pained
till a classmate explained,
""that's no bug, but, in fact, a defeature.""
"
"""try a dough-kneaded fruit pie. yum-yum!
they were handmade at home by me mum.
i have cherry and peach,
but that's all?one of each,""
said jack horner. ""we're plumb out of plum.""
"
"is this candy bar linked to a youth
or a slugger? i'll tell you the truth.
it is not cleveland's tot,
but the sultan of swat
who's the source of the name baby ruth.
"
"it's a radical, chemists have found,
that in alanines often is bound,
but this alanyl now
is essential (and how!)
to a word that will truly astound.
"
"osama bin laden is dead.
for this terrorist, tears won't be shed.
'twas in abbottabad
this contemptible sod
met his fate: he was shot in the head.
"
"don't go swimming in freshwater seas,
since they're brimming with waterborne fleas.
these cladoceran pests
become nose-squatting guests
who won't leave till your fiftieth sneeze!
"
"for this mammal, an ant hits the spot,
and it's eager to eat all you've got.
it has spines and short legs,
and it even lays eggs.
don't believe me? echidna you not.
"
"he's an egomaniacal guy,
and the women keep passing him by.
self-involvement is not
all that tricky to spot,
what with everyone catching his i.
"
"he ordered a rye, took a slurp,
eyed doc holliday, called him a twerp.
it was garden variety
wild west ebriety
wyatt exhibited. (burp!)
"
"my electroencephalograph
gave the hospital staffers a laugh.
i have one out of two
normal brain waves. who knew,
as to wit, that i'm only a half-?
"
"abkhasians might nosh on a peach
or persimmon they keep within reach.
these georgians lead long
active lives and stay strong
eating fruit. let us learn what they teach.
"
"william spooner went fishing and took
both the bible and worms to the brook.
first he blessed them (he read
from hosea), then said,
""now it's time to be hating the book.""
"
"the amorites, scholars agree,
were semitic, nomadic, and free.
""like the cedars in height""
(so the bible would write),
they stood tall in 2000 b.c.
"
"the harvests of sugar crops wane
after many a month without rain,
so the farmers of nod
ask for blessings from god.
and the lord sets a mark-up on cane.
"
"it's the letter that comes after d.
it's a note in a musical key.
it's a vitamin, grade,
and a number. arrayed
in this verse are five meanings of e.
"
"an ecdysiast twists at the hip,
reaches down for a hands-to-feet grip,
then remains in that pose
while disrobing, which shows
the high art of the m?bius strip.
"
"if the aqueduct crumbled, they'd wheedle,
entreat, pay a bribe to, or needle
the honcho in charge
of the works by and large
that were roman and public: the aedile.
"
"ill at ease over rumors of sharks,
chico broods as the dive boat embarks.
when the parts wash ashore
the next day, there'll be more
than a dozen distinguishing marx.
"
"""let's begin,"" said professor dupree
to his students in psych 103.
""echolalia's speech
that i'm planning to teach
by example. repeat after me?""
"
"for her coming-out ball in zagreb,
a disconsolate serbian deb
was expecting to go
with her mean auntie flo,
but was saved by her dear auntie ebb.
"
"the candy store's run by alexis,
a madam who greets and directs us
to sample the mints
out in back, which, she hints,
are the best little horehounds in texas.
"
"some celebrities like to be known
for a fragrance or scent of their own.
the man who played rocky
is hawking a schlocky
new aftershave: eau de stallone.
"
"training fillies and colts? here's your goal:
very early establish control.
make the horses submit
to the bridle and bit,
'cause concession is good for the foal.
"
"on ebay the price was at zero
for the green lantern character nero.
said my son, ""daddy, bid!""
and he clapped when i did.
to my kid, i'm the last auction hero.
"
"""pen a hymn to the dead? i cannot.
i would sneeze and get hives on the spot,""
said a poet named gray
to his doctor one day,
who prescribed him an elegy shot.
"
"""acanthopteri swim; they don't creep,""
says the prof, ""since they're fish in the deep.
mullet, mackerel, bass?
who's that snoring in class?!""
(ichthyology puts me to sleep.)
"
"ms. earhart opines on the notion
that women are ruled by emotion:
""for me, that would earn
more or less the concern
that i'd pay to a drop in the ocean.""
"
"an anatomy fan and factotum
loved limericks so much that he wrote 'em
on parts of the body,
but somehow, thank god, he
declined to pen one on the scrotum.
"
"at a dance, i chass?d cross the floor
toward a wallflower, hoping to score.
as i moved side to side
in a hip-swaying slide,
she replied?and sashayed out the door.
"
"the four consonants /t/, /s/, /z/, /d/
are now thought by some linguists to be
dental plosives?a view
that still others pooh-pooh
since the teeth play no role. (one is me.)
"
"she's achieved some acclaim, with deservedness,
from johns for her sexual fervidness,
but this hooker's known more
for her wide open door
and her promise of first-come-first-servedness.
"
"dental consonants sometimes are made
when the tongue meets the teeth with its blade.
the /th/ in ""enthused""
and in ""this"" can be used
when examples of stops are displayed.
"
"strict adherence to dogma may vex,
but it's what our religion expects.
once in churchism's thrall,
true believers won't fall
for the lure of the opposite sects.
"
"all the coalery workers see signs
of impending extraction declines.
how will geordies go on
once the anthracite's gone?
they'll be driven right out of their mines.
"
"at elsinore, hamlet the dane
fools his rivals by acting insane,
then covertly recants
all his nunnery rants
with a whispered ""ophelia pain.""
"
"""she's an actress with arrogant airs,
egoistic and given to glares.
tell the crew that i'm stopping
the filming and dropping
ms. danes,"" the director declares.
"
"the burma road ran to chengdu
and got bombed by japan through and through.
the resistance was nil
in the air up until
flying tigers flew out of the blue.
"
"it's just as mark antony fears:
he moves romans to madness, not tears.
a call-out to friends
in a eulogy ends
with him up to his tuchus in ears.
"
"to edify means to uplift?
to enlighten a soul gone adrift.
religious instruction
promotes the production
of minds that are morally swift.
"
"the alsophila's larvae are loopers,
while their dads are geometrid swoopers.
they wriggle up trees
and eat leaves as they please,
these voracious herbivorous troupers.
"
"i've got dentoalveolar pain
and bad breath that's so foul i'm a bane.
having teeth with deep pockets
of pus in their sockets,
i've emptied this car of the train.
"
"what's a babylon? well, it's a city,
and the picture it paints isn't pretty.
filled with pagans and sods
(sex and mammon are gods),
it elicits more censure than pity.
"
"blade in hand, and in anguish and woe,
at the mirror stands vincent van gogh.
an irrational slash
severs flesh in a flash.
it's an ear-death experience, no?
"
"to elba napoleon slunk,
spending 300 days in a funk.
his lodgings were crude?
lousy bed, crummy food,
not to mention the loo water stunk.
"
"when a cell reproduces, it's neat.
without sex, it's a masterful feat.
gather round me today;
meet a spore on display.
boys and girls, can you say ""agamete""?
"
"a buck in a brothel seems nervous,
so the madam instructs him, ""observe us,
then conquer your fear
and select any deer.
genus cervus is here at your service.""
"
"having alimentariness means
food's nutritious?like lentils or beans.
one correctly assumes
that by eating legumes,
people needn't buy triple-x jeans.
"
"pathogenic, these fungi reside
on some flowering plants; they don't hide.
the albugo produce
a white rust?an abuse
for the plant, one it may not abide.
"
"they're a family of large-bodied flyers
and short-headed laughers and criers.
alcedinidae?mainly
the kingfishers?plainly
are avian drama suppliers.
"
"yes, one's yucca, but don't look askance
at this family of flowering plants.
agavaceae need
little rain to succeed
in the heat of a desert's expanse.
"
"of this ovary's tube i will speak:
it has nutritive cells at its peak.
for an insect, i've heard
there's an interesting word
for this trait:  acrotrophic. (it's greek.)
"
"this crystalline ketone reduces
to acridine, known for its uses
in drugs and in dyes.
since it's toxic, it's wise
to leave acridone out of your mousses.
"
"on this tag it says acridine dye
is the substance that colored my tie.
it's a red-tinted brown,
so i'm painting the town
downing mudslides?here's mud in your eye!
"
"this liquid acrolein stuff
is pungent and caustic enough
to remove all your skin
if a bit of it's in
a pool where you swim in the buff.
"
"this enzyme performs at its best
at acidic phs, it's stressed
by a source found online
that i'll use to define
acid hydrolase at your request.
"
"""deposition of acid,"" you say?
will it answer a lawyer today?
oh, you mean when the rain
brings pollution, a bane
for the earth there's no wishing away.
"
"with the pollen so heavy, he sneezed;
then the aerobiologist wheezed.
when he studied the air
near his home, his despair
made him move up to nome, where he freezed.
"
"a lingerie firm was once strong,
but some long-term investments went wrong.
heavy debt service led
to three years in the red,
and the business was sold for a thong.
"
"teaching students, i hold to this thesis:
their silence bespeaks anoesis.
they may hear, but don't get
what i say, so i sweat,
grab a bin, and give in to emesis.
"
"accustomarily once was routine
and familiar to those who were keen
to make use of this word.
here and now it's not heard
very commonly?know what i mean?
"
"a creaser makes lines that you go by
when you're stitching?neat guides you can sew by.
you'll have fewer mistakes,
and you'll find that it makes
all the hours of the day seem to flow by.
"
"i'm that truck on your rear on the road
doing seventy hauling my load.
yep, a twenty-ton mack
18-wheeler. get back
to the right 'cause i hate to be slowed.
"
"in phonetics, dentality's what
sounds possess that explode from the spot
where our tongues, at their tips,
touch our teeth, while our lips
stay apart?as in ""thither"" and ""thought.""
"
"sherlock holmes solved a case of forced entry
at a school with a round-the-clock sentry.
dr. watson had doubt
how he figured it out.
said the sleuth, ""it's, in truth, element'ry.""
"
"i'm enjoying a bit of renown
for the biggest cojones in town.
so my personal bias is:
elephantiasis
never should get a man down.
"
"a porcelain egg bird's the purse
for a poetry contest in erse.
over dinner, o'reilly,
the winner, says dryly,
""i've taken a tern for the verse.""
"
"at the easel, and feeling the lack
of a muse, sits the artist georges braque.
on the canvas his brush
idly dabs, in no rush.
mind at ease, he'll be painting it black.
"
"in baseball i throw and bat right,
and i drag bunt for singles despite
the insistence of some
(more benighted than dumb)
that i can't. they can go fly a kite!
"
"a coulter's attached to a plow,
like the plates on an icebreaker's bow.
it's a vertical blade
that is specially made
to cut soil, not the slow-moving cow.
"
"acholeplasma are microbes whose class,
mollicutes, recalls a young lass,
molly wallace, a cutie
in high school whose booty
turned all the boys' heads when she'd pass.
"
"lake itasca has white flowers floating
on petioled leaves where we're boating.
alismatidae grow
in the water but show
little sign of edema or bloating.
"
"jocasta rolled over in bed,
out of breath, and contentedly said,
""i have not been that had
since i slept with your dad,""
to the suddenly edified oed.
"
"this genus of double-winged flies
plays a role in a spider's demise.
the acrocera breed,
leaving larvae to feed
on arachnids, whose eggs are the prize.
"
"from my ana of arthropod facts:
there are plates on invertebrates' backs
that have flanges or flaps
(acrotergites), perhaps
of assistance when facing attacks.
"
"an adsorbable substance like gas
can have molecules stick to, say, glass
via chemical forces.
this process, of course, is
a bummer when methane-to-ass.
"
"""acrotarsial pain in the arch
(of my foot) gets me down when i march,""
i explained to three docs,
who instead checked my socks
and concluded i use too much starch.
"
"here's the baba i ordered for you,
and this knife, for the cutting, should do.
as a glutton, try salving
your hunger by halving
your cake now and eating it, too.
"
"from his birth, he cavorted and smiled?
an ecstatic, exuberant child.
staying youthful and gay
(just like dorian gray),
happy oscar was born to be wild.
"
"the fertility bank has in store
all the semen i've given before.
i'm a whale of a dad
to the children i've had,
and my sperm? i'll just cachalot more.
"
"this guv is a cad seeking fame
with his girly-man taunts?what a shame.
ahnold shows no restraint
(schwarzenegghead he ain't).
pumping irony isn't his game.
"
"with the sun and the heat in havana,
most cubans eschew a bandanna
and choose an umbrella.
that manilow fella?
the one who can't cope? a cabana.
"
"a carnivore cooking a bear
had a plan to remove all the hair,
so he stir-fried the game
in a lotion whose name
had this meat-eater wok-ing on nair.
"
"a scotsman out tossing his caber's
refining his skill as he labors.
but it's also dismaying
because he's displaying
what's under his kilt to the neighbors.
"
"our son is a chemistry geek
and a fan of the mothball's mystique.
so this summer we'll fashion
a use for his passion
and send him to camphor a week.
"
"a cataract surgeon named hamel
refined his technique on a mammal.
he'd flatter and wheedle
the beast so his needle
could pass through the eye of a camel.
"
"since my wife's wearing silks and sateens
to the fancy affair at eileen's,
i must go to that sucker
in best bib and tucker?
my bowling shirt, flip-flops, and jeans.
"
"there are banners and babies to kiss
and a bandstand where nothing's amiss.
the machinery hums
when the candidate comes.
the advance man has seen to all this.
"
"just a pitiful, few-feathered thing,
an alula's not quite a wing.
it's more like a thumb,
called a bastard by some,
which has an unfortunate ring.
"
"there's an interesting word that has stuck,
meaning ""frenzied""?the english amok,
which implies lethal force.
they say malay's its source?
like those melees we see with a puck?
"
"for your boy, who consoled you, a dreidel.
for your mom, who made soup, a new leidel.
for your husband who swore
he'd stop seeing that whore,
what'll even the score? a greneidel!
"
"the bollywood industry's vast,
and new actors keep coming up fast.
are they sudra or brahman?
it's not so uncommon
to wonder who's who in the caste.
"
"one former commander-in-chief's
claim to fame involved sex, not beliefs.
even now, people care
what he's wearing down there.
(it's commando, not boxers or briefs.)
"
"a poet and cowboy from texas
gave autos to each of his exes:
a mazda for mia,
to carol a kia.
for helen, the hell-
"
"this food critic's word to the wise
is that nothing beats chicken pot pies.
having praised with his pen
both the capon and hen,
he's awarded a pullet surprise.
"
"in chinatown, gang members chat
and decide a new crime's where it's at?
nabbing pets is a breeze!
better watch your burmese
or you'll hear, ""has the tong got your cat?""
"
"a nibble of cake has educed
a remembrance of passion for proust:
a petite boulang?re
with a sweet derri?re,
an affair, and a cook being goosed.
"
"putting acid (acetic) to use,
these bacteria help to produce,
while fermenting, a gas
many animals pass,
through digestion, right out the caboose.
"
"this leaf has acrodromous veins,
which converge at its tip, much like lanes
running into a town
or the lines in the frown
'cross my brow when my lover complains.
"
"aegypiidae eat with ?lan;
they won't stop till a carcass is gone.
as the avian culture's
best closers, these vultures
are famed for their carryin' on.
"
"my accessoriness serves to distract
the police from your criminal act.
i'll go nude and parade
while you steal, so i'll aid
you before, but not after the fact.
"
"the republicans' focus on debt
as our nation's most dangerous threat
started early '09.
until then, all was ""fine.""
how these elephants love to forget!
"
"like scalpels, acanthuridae
slice past reefs neath the tropical sea.
would these surgeonfish mind
if some shark were inclined
to pursue a physician's degree?
"
"a fossil i found, to my shock,
isn't that of an african croc,
but an elephant bird,
so i can, i've inferred,
say i now own a piece of the roc.
"
"with santa on tour until may,
mrs. claus needs a roll in the hay.
to his workshop she goes,
nimbly doffs all her clothes,
and is greeted with ""no elfin way!""
"
"a plane touches ground after flight.
a horseman dismounts for a bite.
a butterfly lands
on a fan in the stands.
that's a threesome of things that alight.
"
"dentalism: noun, obsolete.
definition: ""dentality."" neat.
what is that? ""dental quality.""
stop this frivolity!
tell me its meaning tout de suite.
"
"an apostil's a marginal note,
like the one an advisor once wrote
to help president bush:
""tell the children to shush
as you read from the book my pet goat.""
"
"cape air has a ten-thirty flight
out of boston?let's take it tonight.
i've planned an escape
to a place on the cape
for a weekend of non-stop delight.
"
"genus branta comprises wild geese
that range wide?from alaska to greece.
honking brants that alight
on my lawn for the night
are by dawn often resting in peace.
"
"you will find the hypophysis gland
and its adeno- lobe can command
the rate that we grow
(through its endocrine flow)
even more than the hamburger stand.
"
"it's an attitude, act, or expression
that's offensive?a clear indiscretion.
take the time i told granny
she looked like a tranny
who'd joined the world's oldest profession.
"
"a denumerably infinite set
can be counted? in theory, no sweat!
all the rationals, hon,
correspond one-to-one
to the integers. how? i forget.
"
"a gull has an urge to escape,
as a sea squall is fast taking shape.
it goes winging to land
and a sheltering strand
here on africa's southernmost cape.
"
"said a chap who is czechic named stav,
""i'm good-looking, dress well, and i'm suave.
i live high on the hog
here with chessa in prague.
she's a chick who's a slob of a slav.""
"
"as their pilot, i haven't a notion
why passengers raise a commotion
'bout hitting the drink
(the pacific, i think).
hey, it's only a drop in the ocean!
"
"i love the aroma of basil!
it deserves your regard and appraisal.
use it fresh, use it dried?
need a pungency guide?
it can penetrate drippings postnasal.
"
"many buttresses slope on the top,
then run up to a building and stop.
architectural geeks
(all amortizement freaks)
talk of piers with their peers at the shop.
"
"said my ear doc, ""allow me to guess
'bout your cochlear pain and distress.
it's your mother-in-law's
shrieking voice that's the cause
of your near-deaf experience, yes?""
"
"i'd be happy to cast the first stone
at the lender who's now on the phone
for his boring oration
on amortization.
i wish he would leave me a loan.
"
"continuous positive pressure
on my airway is such a refresher.
sleep apnea's gone,
so i wake up at dawn
and don't feel i've been drawn though a thresher.
"
"personalities thought of as bubbling
are effusive and upbeat?but troubling.
dispositions that bright
give curmudgeons a fright
and can lead to curmudgeonness-doubling.
"
"think conversate isn't a word
and its use for discuss is absurd?
well, guess what?it's legit!
so stop throwing a fit.
there are millions who say it, i've heard.
"
"the passengers airside are ""clean,""
having passed the security screen.
those landside, however,
are ""dirty,"" so never
relax your surveillance?stay keen.
"
"defenselessness means that you lack
what it takes to withstand an attack.
it's a singular word
that's the longest, i've heard,
with one vowel (say folks who keep track).
"
"there's a feeling i just can't avoid
when my brain meets a cannabinoid.
one receptor lets pass
the component of grass
that explains why i'm still unemployed.
"
"don't ever go caping a bull!
that's a stunt just toreros should pull.
if you flutter your cloak
and provoke one, he'll poke
with his horns?and of holes you'll be full.
"
"though this dog meat is food fit for mutts
(butchers' floor scrapings, entrails and guts),
you feed fido filet
and top sirloin all day,
but serve me canine nibbles & cuts!?
"
"corytuberine comes from the roots
of corydalis herbs (some are beauts).
it's an alkaloid found
in their parts underground,
not their visible flowers and shoots.
"
"my breasts are like mushrooms that swell
overnight by the creek in the dell.
my bra size is tearing
through letters: i'm wearing
a cup that's less k and more l.
"
"my manhood had always impressed,
till my threshhold for pain was assessed.
i wore a fixed grin
as the light burned my skin.
at two dols, though, i screamed, ""stop the test!""
"
"a gazelle is alone at the zoo,
and he paces his pen feeling blue.
he doesn't know when
he'll be mating again,
so he waits to go wooing a gnu.
"
"help wanted: two men with a cage
for a death match we're planning to stage.
it's the fight of your lives:
one succumbs, one survives.
(we're prepared to pay minimum wage.)
"
"decerptible blooms fear the snipper:
a man with his hands on a clipper.
my hydrangeas mourn
when a blossom is torn
from the vine by the human grim ripper.
"
"albethey's an interesting word,
found in print now but looking absurd.
it concedes, when you see it,
what follows, albeit
albeyou still hasn't been heard.
"
"our stallion was sadly a dud
when we offered him out as a stud,
but he's simply amazing
depasturing?grazing
so fast we have cows chewing mud.
"
"if a sequence is cauchy, you start
with a distance, say d, and take heart:
there's an element where
every subsequent pair
must be less than d units apart.
"
"ms. derek thought john was a swell beau,
but he cheated and no one would tell bo.
this 10 that we knew
had the smarts of a 2,
didn't know her own ass from her elbow.
"
"there's a famed allegorical farm
where the animals note with alarm
how we humans oppress,
so the pigs more or less
run us off and do similar harm.
"
"a newspaper's headed for doom
when those editing copy presume
that the name of a song
by aretha is wrong?
and they change it to ""who's zooming whom.""
"
"the consumedly amorous mimi
turned our meeting from friendly to steamy
when she whispered, ""hey, hon,
are you hiding a gun...
or are you just happy to see me?""
"
"there's a colorless, beta-hydroxy
organic enactor that's foxy.
this aldol, i'm told,
is reactive and bold
and lends synthesis much of its moxie.
"
"the danaides, danaus' daughters,
were condemned to forever draw waters,
their woe unremitting?
a sentence befitting
some forty-nine wedding night slaughters.
"
"it's bumdockdousse englishmen say
for a game that the french used to play.
there's a threesome of nuts
and the kicking of butts
in what rabelais called pimpompet.
"
"in europe, one viper likes sand,
where he'll burrow and lie close-at-hand.
with this species of snake,
ammodytes, please take
extra care and watch out where you stand!
"
"if you pledge your allegiance to russia
in the chechen republic, they'll shush ya.
""back off!"" they declare
to the muscovite bear.
""if you dare to attack us, we'll crush ya.""
"
"contrapuntalists interweave tunes,
like a pair blowing contrabassoons,
backed by fools on a bugle,
a flute and a flugel,
all fuguing up ""claire of the loons.""
"
"affranchisement's setting one free
from restraints by the powers that be,
or providing a pass
to the corporate class?
our new ""persons,"" like at&t.
"
"while dancing the argentine, rose
did a few twisting steps on her toes,
several scissors, low dips,
and chass?s in her trips
cross the floor leading juan by the nose.
"
"""these uniform pringles are crinkled,
with a crispature evenly wrinkled.
since they're salty as hell,
i gulp soda as well?
by the gallon,"" said tim as he tinkled.
"
"a buckbean sits shrouded in fog
near a log in a buckingham bog.
with three leaves and racemes
(purplish flowers), it seems
undisturbed by the ribbeting frog.
"
"""it's a spindle and axle,"" he laughed.
""helps in cutting my pole-axe's haft.
i've a glorious tool
with an arbor, you fool,
and today you'll be getting the shaft.""
"
"it's a noise when there's thunderous weather,
applause when your fans get together,
the sound of a gun,
and (post-coital fun)
a disease in those regions called nether.
"
"a counterbore widens a hole
till it's shaped like a flat-bottomed bowl.
it's a tool, a small bit
manufactured to fit
on a drill, which takes skill to control.
"
"one dermatopathology aim?
find diseases physicians can tame.
if integument study
impresses you, buddy,
you'll want to have skin in this game.
"
"climatarchic control? we have none.
global warming just can't be undone.
try a trip to denali
to trek it, by golly,
and bask in the tropical sun.
"
"in the x-rays are shadow and light;
your placenta's in view on the right.
as a medical tool,
amniography's cool,
as this feat has your fetus in sight.
"
"the chef is preparing some tarts
filled with veggies and venison parts.
the cardoons get a grind,
then he cuts up a hind.
have a taste of his artichoke harts!
"
"it was thought if americans found
that obama was pallin' around
with bill ayers, barack
would be easy to knock
off his game, and mccain would rebound.
"
"there's a wack krakatoan in java
who's coolly imbibing his kava,
when the mountain erupts
and he's caught, in his cups,
by a coulee?a sheetload of lava.
"
"each capetian was royal (fran?ais),
and descended from hugh, a capet.
being first to the throne
in this line, hugh was known
for his skill putting rivals away.
"
"aristide thinks it's time to move on
to a world in which war will be gone.
he has won a nobel;
now to arms, it's farewell?
in the pact known as kellogg-briand.
"
"the wordsmith is likely to seize
on those words with consecutive e's,
citing freeer and freeest
and eeel (the weeest).
agreeeth's a fifth, he agrees.
"
"aibohphobia stands for the fear
of those phrases or words that appear,
when reversed, not to change.
it's a palindrome?strange?
and the same from the front or the rear.
"
"for the potluck at church, what i drew?
a fondue au fromage?left me blue.
edam, cheddar, or brie:
any two, or all three?
can you tell me what cheeses would do?
"
"that each church runs itself is a chief
congregationalism belief.
it was key to reforms
of society's norms:
freeing slaves, women's suffrage... good grief!
"
"a painting's aesthetically lit,
but this beauty gives rudy a fit.
a madonna is hung,
and the elephant dung
hits the fan for our mayor, the twit.
"
"ill skip punctuation without it
my message is clear so i doubt it
would help to convey
what im trying to say
see id rather not tout it but flout it
"
"a canadian region i know
that's pretty in sun or in snow
has an island and cape
of peninsular shape.
acadia beckons. let's go!
"
"cross-reacting agglutinin lumps
nonhomologous microbes in clumps.
having antigens bound
in a mass, docs have found,
helps them study a virus like mumps.
"
"each alcyonacea coral,
whose polyps are soft and not floral,
lives in tropical seas.
(think phuket or belize?
warmer climes than near scotland's balmoral.)
"
"this leader of britain knew when
to be tough, like the toughest of men.
an opponent dispatcher,
lady margaret thatcher
was nicknamed ""attila the hen.""
"
"where an earth-moving venture is planned,
engineers know that soil can expand.
they take measures to see
what the  bulkage will be
of the dirt they'll dig out of the land.
"
"there's a function whose characteristics
help the boys using math and statistics.
but since wordplay's my joy,
i prefer to employ?
in their stead?cunning stunts in linguistics.
"
"you've turned my life 'round, have you not?
and you've made me much hotter than hot.
now it takes all my strength
keeping you at arm's length?
i think stalkers like you should be shot!
"
"when you hop from detour to marquette,
you won't fly on a four-engine jet.
it's an air taxi flight,
pretty short, though you might
get a drink and some peanuts, i bet.
"
"many group names are humdrum, which shows
in the workaday parcel of does.
of collectives i've seen,
one is far from routine?
the maleficent murder of crows.
"
"this electrical unit we've got
is a trivial one: the abwatt.
as a measure of power,
it's far from a wower,
amounting to diddly-squat.
"
"some annelids (earthworms and leeches)
that crawl in the sea and on beaches
lack organs like gills.
oh, the wonders and thrills
you receive when a limerick teaches!
"
"the organic debris in the soil
means that flora can grow without toil.
horticulturists say,
""the horizon is a;
humus play it according to hoyle.""
"
"these chordates lack jawbones and fins,
like the spirited lamprey that spins
on the line from my reel.
he's a freshwater eel
from the agnatha: ""fish without chins.""
"
"it expresses frustration quite well; it
reflects the pet peeves you can't quell; it
is heard everywhere
as a sign of despair.
so then aargh! why can't anyone spell it?
"
"all-important?'s a word i promote.
it says something is worthy of note,
quite significant, great,
or deserving of weight.
and that something is me (quote-unquote).
"
"i'm the buckthorn, a nettlesome tree,
and diversity isn't for me.
i put maples through hell
(kick some aspen, as well).
where i grow, oaks and underbrush flee.
"
"this counterproved print is a spoof.
its impression, reversed, is a goof.
check it out?it's my shop:
there's the cellar on top,
while below at the bottom's the roof.
"
"for dubya, it's ""?hola!"" in plano.
in miami it's todo muy bueno.
but from bush in oswego
you won't hear ""amigo.""
his spanish will vanish like drano.
"
"morey amsterdam? oh, how he'd glory
dropping trou just to perk up a story:
when his moon hit the eye
like a big pizza pie,
every comic knew why?that's our morey!
"
"last october saw boston's success
in the series and alcs.
their supporters ask, ""when
will we do it again?""
as a cubs fan, i couldn't care less.
"
"if you dig in the alps, you can't miss
a mineral known to the swiss.
adularia might
be transparent or white.
nothing more i can tell you than this.
"
"a poet sought comic relief
via limericks, lively and brief,
but the words that he coined
were absurdly conjoined?
and set ogden to gnashing his teef.
"
"is the universe itemized? nope.
it's an outline, of general scope.
just the principles?skimmed,
cosmographically limned.
(this summation suffices, i hope.)
"
"we're exploding the enemy's mines
so our troops can advance on his lines.
the remote-controlled fuse
that our countermines use
is the best of our claymore designs.
"
"one incredibly over-discussed line
is famed as a target-of-lust line
for fellas and rubes
who are hung up on boobs.
yes, it's pamela anderson's bustline.
"
"this brushland is covered with scrub,
not a fully grown bush or a shrub.
vegetation you see
runs from puny to wee?
it's been chewed by my cows to the nub.
"
"aglaomorpha are often entwined
in subtropical trees and confined
just to asia, one learns.
they are epiphytes?ferns
with no roots, and they boggle the mind.
"
"an angel's a fish that is bony,
compressed, brightly hued, and a crony
of creatures at ease
in the warmest of seas,
like belize where they tease abalone.
"
"an accepted and widely used trick
is to lay on the humor too thick
and to pun in your rhyme ?
but if done all the time,
you could get the short end of the schtick.
"
"aldebaran, rising before us,
the brightest red giant in taurus,
is starting to morph
to a tiny white dwarf,
but at 65 light-years, won't gore us.
"
"the knight shining bright in the day,
armed with honor that can't go astray,
breaks a chivalrous lance
for his lady in france.
but at night, all grimalkins are grey.
"
"what all quantum mechanics suppose,
the aharonov-bohm effect shows:
that electromagnetical
gauge-theoretical
hand-waving's right on the nose.
"
"an effect with an awesome appeal
called aharonov-bohm, can reveal
metaphysical fictions
aren't just for predictions:
experiment shows that they're real.
"
"ever playing the strange arriviste,
the avar wandered far from the east
'til he found a good place in
the danubian basin,
where haply his numbers increased.
"
"my long calculations are sound;
the energy yield will astound!
but my abstract solutions
imply revolutions:
the aftermath will be profound.
"
"light, fluffy and pale?angel cake!
i want some so badly i ache.
i'd bake some right now,
but the hens had a cow
when i asked for twelve eggs i could break.
"
"the thieves' padding footfalls were stifled;
with modern-day weapons they trifled.
one arquebus gone,
too precious to pawn:
an unrifled matchlock was rifled.
"
"we are fighting a war of attrition.
my saying so isn't sedition;
it's a fact that the fight
won't be won by who's right,
but by who's got the most ammunition.
"
"the autochrome guys got the blues:
they were known for their delicate hues,
and they hadn't had peers
for at least thirty years,
but then kodachrome red hit the news.
"
"the acrothoracica bore
into shells of the mollusks on shore.
since the mantles that guard
their small bodies are hard,
it makes barnacle-scraping a chore.
"
"your connusance of law is implied
by the judgeship you earned and can't hide.
so your move to dismiss,
claiming ignorant bliss,
is a con and a nuisance. denied!
"
"the medical panel's review
of our hospital's new ccu
thinks the critical care
in the unit, once fair,
is so poor they declare a code blue.
"
"allionia's blooms come in threes?
separate flowers, though one's what one sees.
known as windmills, they're odd
since these herbs hug the sod,
where they seldom need nod to the breeze.
"
"biochemistry students were placid,
their political attitudes flaccid.
acetylation, when taught,
blew their minds and their thought.
now they're radicals and they're on acid!
"
"it was mission accomplished we read
on the banner behind bush's head.
from the aircraft he stepped
on the carrier?prepped
for success, not a thousand more dead.
"
"my prescription says cordis in part
(which for druggists denotes ""of the heart"").
the pills i now take
for angina should make
for a less busy hospital chart.
"
"your commiserable show of disdain
for miss kitty has made it quite plain:
you're a sorry excuse
for a man, so vamoose!
buy a seat on the five-o'clock train.
"
"ethiopia's home to a river
whose name seems to want to deliver.
it's the awash, you see
(rhymes with carwash to me),
like it's flooded and might sink your flivver.
"
"corpuscula live in the lymph
and the blood of both beldam and nymph.
these cells like to ride
through the vessels inside
of all animals, chicken to chimph.
"
"the family of gastropod shellfish,
the limpets, aren't impish or elfish.
these acmaeidae cling
to a rock (that's their thing),
leading lives anchoritic and selfish.
"
"praise the god dionysus! divine!
sing a dithyramb honoring wine!
join the chorus or dance!
we'll carouse! find romance!
here's your chance! drop those pants! get in line!
"
"to the culture we call the adena,
the ohio was home, not the lena,
and three thousand years past,
these artists made vast
and elaborate mounds their arena.
"
"take a peak, so to speak; have a look!
over there is aoraki/mount cook,
which at twelve thousand feet
is the highest you'll meet,
says my kiwi geography book.
"
"you're connusant of property law,
so should recognize, sir, there's a flaw
in the claim that you own
the whole lobster alone
by possessing nine-tenths of one claw.
"
"crimination's an act you abuse
by arresting a fan when he boos?
or impeaching a prez
for an ""is is"" he says
when your beef's his political views.
"
"compositive works in the arts
are assemblages, made up of parts?
like triptychs, collages,
and woodwind montages
by aare-souls, swiss masters o' farts.
"
"it's a sauce that's so good it's a crime.
there is sage, coriander, and thyme.
olive oil is the base;
lemon juice has a place.
? la grecque makes your dishes sublime.
"
"""i'll be checking your pulse and bp.
first you stand, then lie down, and i'll see
if they differ by much.
if they do, you're in dutch.
that's the crampton test,"" says my m.d.
"
"this one's c7h7o,
and as chemical radicals go,
i find acrinyl tough
to make sense of, with stuff
like hydroxy and benzyl in tow.
"
"a whale that's equipped with baleen
is a giant krill-eating machine.
that's not crackers and brie
that it strains from the sea,
but a bouillabaise, salty and clean.
"
"we have learnt from our brothers' travails
that in public, discretion prevails.
when admiring her chest,
bathycolpian's best,
since it sounds like we're talking of snails.
"
"some soul-saving sisters in reno
erected a big baldachino,
since shelter's no sin.
now they're raking them in
at the high holy rollers casino.
"
"'twas his majesty's slowest of ships,
many millions of years off her slips.
did king george on his dry land
commission that island,
ascension, to generate quips?
"
"you went to develop some pix
in the room that's as dark as the styx;
but, while timing each station,
forgot agitation,
and ended up stuck in a fix.
"
"at the miners' insistent request
we performed an aquarium test,
but the nitro that blew
was too potent a brew,
and our guppies have been dispossessed.
"
"the sand in my hourglass flows,
and a brain in each little grain knows
how to slide for a while
so the slope of the pile
is the angle of rest or repose.
"
"when the stockholders urge you perforce
to downsize and then to outsource,
may the ayenbite of inwit
repay that gray sin wit'
unendingly stinging remorse.
"
"on the press in a friend's ateli?r
we produced a madonna today;
dabbed the plate with brown goo
smuggled in from the zoo
for a monoprint, ? la poup?e.
"
"?bermanagers offered amends
after layoffs dis-membered our friends.
to accept would be cheap:
if it rose from the deep,
my morale would expire from the bends.
"
"to tell pretty well where you are,
take an astrolabe-fix on a star.
as hipparchus devised,
this brass disk was incised
using skills that approach the bizarre.
"
"i must wake from this horrible dream!
i was caught in the aliens' beam;
i bubbled a cough
and my face melted off.
i'm astomatous, and i must scream.
"
"when you teach quantum physics, frustration
will meet your attempts at temptation.
talk of tunneling's fine,
but they'll miss every sign
that your barrier begs penetration.
"
"this here fishtank cost one pretty penny.
i was promised thrills varied and many.
so far, there's no show
(bait and switch, don'tcha know) ?
not a twitch from my new barfin blenny.
"
"altostratus, a high kind of cloud,
is more like a sheet than a shroud.
a plane flying through it
gets ice sticking to it,
so staying there's rarely allowed.
"
"small patterns of stars, like the gourd,
in a culture, are named by accord.
how an asterism's known
sets a cultural tone.
in detroit, is the dipper a ford?
"
"the atoll was roundish and small,
grown from coral, hence not at all tall.
would islanders care
if big mushrooms grew there?
the bombs at bikini appall.
"
"our machines make intelligence moot;
we can't spell or do math worth a hoot.
when some engineer made
autofocus, i prayed:
pretty-please, let me just point-and-shoot.
"
"when decoders we use are addressable,
it means they're directly accessible
to a system command
in that binary hand
in which thoughts, to machines, are expressible.
"
"an afrit's an arabic jinn,
malevolent, looking for sin.
this powerful wraith
wants to ruin your faith,
and would happily peel off your skin.
"
"akhenaten turned monotheistic,
and his sculptors seem somewhat sadistic:
though that babe nefertiti
was surely his sweetie,
they still rendered him feministic.
"
"amoebiasis sounds so contrary:
it's when you contract dysentery.
amoebae go nuts
way down deep in your guts
and you fear that they'll stay and make merry.
"
"double-e's must give serious credence
to ohm's law's abstruse antecedents,
where complex admittance,
if barely a pittance,
results in a whopping impedance.
"
"in my youth, it was sturdy and new;
now my frame stands a bit out of true.
the angles aren't right
and the joints aren't as tight.
if you asked me i'd say i'm askew.
"
"in java, my class was abstract;
you'd infer lack of instance as fact.
its constructor's invoked?
""there's an object?"" i choked.
i'm surmising our bytecodes were hacked.
"
"after owls eat lord sepulchrave groan,
fleeing titus finds freedom, alone.
later, when he recalls
crumbling gormenghast's walls,
he can't fathom his need to atone.
"
"""if you're reading this note in my dwelling,
then i'm gone, and this should be compelling:
i could not do the crime.
i was dead at the time.""
he acquitted himself. it was telling.
"
"your ""i do!"" had a confident sound,
but you're bound to recall you are bound
by the promise you made
in your quest to get laid,
when the afterthoughts gather around.
"
"amphisbaenidae slither and squirm,
for such lizards lack limbs, like a worm.
though these squamates aren't snakes,
it would still give you shakes
if you found one coiled up in your perm.
"
"a lamp was devised by argand
that became de rigeur through the land.
its primary trick
was a hollowed-out wick.
even lighthouses beamed with this brand.
"
"a blimp is a ship of the air;
ships' parts have their counterparts there.
a rudder's a must,
and an airscrew for thrust
(and the travelers screwed by the fare).
"
"in the deserts of mars, there is room
for an unbridled fancy to bloom,
for a glittering blade
there to rescue a maid,
all in edgar rice burroughs' barsoom.
"
"as your capsule careens 'round the moon,
you might splash on a peak or a dune,
but the highest you'll fare
is at apolune, where
there's least peril of being bestrewn.
"
"achiote was used by the mayans
for its hue and for flavoring viands.
called annatto by some,
it can make you say ""yum!""
and the seeds will treat burned uruguayans.
"
"its rays are ineffably fine,
a star that approaches divine.
though my name now exists
in the ""most wanted"" lists,
this asteriated sapphire is mine.
"
"with my gavel, i rule for the good,
and would heal the world's ills if i could,
but my fear in the night,
like some hell-sent affright,
says my life is just knocking on wood.
"
"alter egos take turns in my brain
and are driving each other insane.
my barbarian roars
and provider does chores,
while romantic takes walks in the rain.
"
"his valor, to date, is abstract,
a presumption unsullied by fact.
from his gun, in his head,
all his enemies fled,
but in life, they just flew on and quacked.
"
"amphisbaena's a mythical snake
but the myth has to be a mistake:
if the cosmos is curved
and all mass is conserved
how can two-headed serpents partake?
"
"to inveigle the andiron buyer,
in a shop there will be a faux fire,
with the brace of faux dogs
holding glowing faux logs,
while the prices go higher and higher.
"
"'twas the drollest hotel that i've seen:
its walls had a purplish sheen,
and the curving roof-scape
had an eggplantish shape.
it was called ""the auberge aubergine.""
"
"when el cid gave the word that his corse
should be bound to the back of his horse,
'twas an artifice grim,
that the moors would see him
indestructibly leading his force.
"
"she loves me. she doesn't. i seek,
in pulled petals, an answer unique.
since i stop as i feel,
is this auspice for real,
or an artifact of my technique?
"
"he thought math in the sky was innate,
and ptolemy won that debate
when a greek-arab geek
turned his circle technique
into almagest, meaning the great.
"
"in the core, kiloparsecs away,
supermassive collapsars hold sway.
take an anticenter tack
with the core at your back
and the perseus arm's on your way.
"
"oh, pity the downtrodden snails
who travel on mucus-laid trails.
if amyxia strikes,
then they can't go on hikes,
and could face even harsher travails.
"
"an  annular eclipse of the sun
by the moon is a bit underdone.
there's a circle of light;
lunar distance ain't right,
so the umbra's apparent to none.
"
"in cornwall, the miners, those rotters,
dug ""potter's ore"" destined for potters.
complexed sulfur and lead
from that alquifou bed
then glazed earthenware green for their daughters.
"
"the apostle of culture's sad soul
now regrets the effects of his role.
the ironical cost
paid for innocence lost
leaves him beggared of faith, on the dole.
"
"an arrestant is not used to kill,
but to make other critters hold still;
some insects and flowers
use pheromone powers
to vanquish a bug's force of will.
"
"""this criterion-referenced exam
tests anatomy knowledge. don't cram.
if your score is below
85, you don't know
your own ass from your elbow?"" oh, damn!
"
"your ignition switch suddenly froze?
are the contact points clean? do they close?
if they properly meet,
then the circuit's complete,
and you'll find electricity flows.
"
"the carangids i catch from the piers
of st. petersburg always draw jeers.
since they're pitifully small,
every time i just bawl
and toss back my ""crevalles of tears.""
"
"homosexual women or men
make society's a-list again?
see the affluent a-gays?
those tr?s distingu? gays?
draw praise from the journalist's pen.
"
"citrobacter infections are rare,
but in humans such microbes can flare.
here's a cup that should do;
see that line for the loo?
you'll be queuing and peeing down there.
"
"i'm chirurgeonly trained; my c.v.
says ""cornell,"" ""neurosurgeon,"" ""m.d.""
since the price i command
for each slice is  a grand,
i throw cutting remarks in for free.
"
"in oahu, the breaking waves roar,
while resoundingly pounding the shore.
on the northernmost coast,
banzai pipeliners boast
of a tide with a thirty-foot bore.
"
"achyranthes has spread to my curb,
and this forty-knot's blooms are superb.
with that nautical name,
you'd think speed brings it fame,
but, in fact, it's a slow-growing herb.
"
"it's amiss (""not according to hoyle""),
but in brooklyn there once was a goil
who finished a bris
just to demonstrate this:
that a miss is as good as a mohel.
"
"in abney's invention we'll revel:
he was truly the cleverest devil.
surveyors employ
william's spirited toy?
his clinometer's keen, on the level.
"
"when plagioclase feldspar is brewing,
the recipe's there for the viewing.
all soda, no lime,
gives albite this time;
vice versa, anorthite is stewing.
"
"aration's a form of aeration.
man's plowing and crop cultivation
will quicken the seed
that will keep him from need,
though the cost can be deforestation.
"
"when a mason hews rubble and rocks
into square architectural blocks,
he can build sturdy walls.
if he paves all your halls
with these ashlars, they'll ruin your socks.
"
"an assembler turns letter-based code
into bits that computers can load.
more than that i can't say,
'cause i'm barely okay
with my microwave's ""time defrost"" mode.
"
"at the baymouth, my buddies will sit,
and we'll fish, watching waves, getting lit,
'cause when offered a jar
on the barrier-bar,
we will thankfully sip, just a spit.
"
"i'm your restless, co-orbiting star,
and our max separation can't bar
an attraction this strong.
our apastron's too long,
but we soon will be closer by far.
"
"the visigoths chose a young king
in the hope that good fortune he'd bring.
after alaric's men
conquered rome in 410,
he then died, and they lost the whole thing.
"
"if one thing divides into many,
with leftovers lacking (not any),
each part that you've got
totals one aliquot,
when the tab has been split to the penny.
"
"my editor won't let me call
my book ""amoretto the tall"".
""your title is stupid!
the word means 'a cupid',
and cupids are known to be small!""
"
"in ahvenanmaa, there are skerries
connected by myriad ferries.
sail northwards from poland
to waters called ?land,
where fishing was good, but now varies.
"
"in garlic, the allicin burns.
i munch and i ponder by turns
how my sensors for heat
are invoked by this treat,
and how vampires' advances it spurns.
"
"the japanese town of ako
had a noted historical show:
some samurai drew
their revenge, and then slew
themselves in a tale of much woe.
"
"try explaining why spirals are barred,
and you'll learn astrophysics is hard.
newton's laws appear broke,
and a galaxy's spoke
is a play where dark matter has starred.
"
"a wife with a murderous need
some aqua tofana would feed
to her husband with wine,
to be rid of the swine.
from his wife and his life he'd be freed.
"
"mother earth wears a satellite scarf
interknit with fine cuttings of swarf,
and she brews salty teas
in her deep azure seas,
cupped in clouds like blue glass in a zarf.
"
"archaeopteryx, fossiled in tile,
with a lithographed feathery style,
was not apterygial
(its wings not vestigial);
as reptile or bird you might file.
"
"i asseverate (truly affirm),
though in earnest, i'll cause you to squirm,
in this apple you bit
i am forced to admit
i can find only half of a worm.
"
"some planets are brutal and bare,
but the ones that have breatheable air
and have tempered their hell
with an atmosphere shell
(such as this one) are precious and rare.
"
"the astronomer lives for the night
and the cosmos in effable light.
when galaxies shatter,
just how can it matter
if left sock is different from right?
"
"in molecule-clouds out in space,
organic reactions take place.
astrochemistry's rife
with precursors of life,
but evolves at a ponderous pace.
"
"anagenesis morphs the complexion
of a species along some direction
of evolving designs
with no branching of kinds,
through a process of natural selection.
"
"when an anablephobe casts his eyes
on the torn and tumultuous skies
seen in looking-glass puddles,
inversion befuddles
his fear, looking up in disguise.
"
"an airbrick can be a good call,
since it uses no power at all,
and it's hip to be square,
venting moisture and air
via holes that it makes in the wall.
"
"high-altitude charges roam free,
smashed loose by the solar uv.
when the sunbathing ends
they get back with their friends
and all radiate airglow with glee.
"
"her opinions were more than heretical,
and to mine, they appeared antithetical.
every scheme i proposed
she aggressively hosed.
(why can't pantries be made alphabetical?)
"
"if you'd learn from the oldest of schools
how old henges were calendar tools,
whether novae shone bright
on the first christmas night,
well then archaeoastronomy rules!
"
"in dixie, got drunk in a bar,
sang an ode to the yankees' bright star.
i regret i was fluent;
am seeking abluent
for cleaning off feathers and tar.
"
"like the stone that is lustrous and hard,
like a surface too tough to be marred,
like a course that you've laid
that can never be swayed,
the adamantine won't let down its guard.
"
"were you gone on the tales by terhune?
was ""lad, a dog"" over too soon?
if you changed one detail,
let an airedale prevail,
without collies, 'twould be a lampoon.
"
"where the asteroids circle together
in a belt cinched by gravity's tether,
there's no planet to hail,
but the fragments still sail ?
hard aport they've got solar-wind weather.
"
"to chaucer, a word like abusion
caused little if any confusion.
now the rarest of birds,
it's ""the misuse of words.""
(from my reading i've reached this conclusion.)
"
"""you're divorcing in anger and spite,
and a split of your assets seems right,
but the poodle?"" the judge
asks the pair who won't budge.
""i just don't halve a dog in this fight.""
"
"""the cupula's kin to a sphere,""
says my dad. ""it's inside of your ear,
and it's shaped like a dome?
hey, is anyone home?""
(this banana is why i can't hear.)
"
"a dogtrot's a quick easy gait,
like a mutt on a stroll with its mate.
and it's also a breezeway
'tween cabins, an easeway
that's roofed to keep sun off your pate.
"
"the acrididae cover the land;
in their wake, only wheat stalks will stand.
these orthopterous nippers
are ravenous strippers
of plants, under nature's command.
"
"the acorus genus of plants
(acoraceae, some would advance)
grows in marshes?its flowers
aroused by warm showers,
like women by thoughts of romance.
"
"he packed up his things in a trunk,
made no noise, left the bedroom, and slunk
down the stairs past the cat,
out the door?that was that.
who'd a thunk he'd be doing a bunk?
"
"there's a beat that might suddenly rev
as the orchestra plays in gen?ve,
when the rhythm will race?
maybe double its pace,
which in music is called alla breve.
"
"sentimental means feelings are high,
bringing tears or a mist to the eye.
but if anti-'s affixed,
this emotion gets nixed
or derided as pie in the sky.
"
"the corozo's a palm and a pit
and a nut and a fiber. that's it?
well, not quite. it's a word
used with plants that i've heard
south americans love. now i'll quit.
"
"at the wake, friends are grieving the loss
of our kindly but bibulous boss.
so i stand up and yell
(yes, contrariously), ""hell!
we'd be better off hitting the sauce!""
"
"acetylative processes take
and use vinegar's acid to make
things like ketones and plastics,
detergents and mastics?
all stuff that's polluting my lake.
"
"the sea pens, colonial creatures,
have feathery tentacled features.
they are alcyonarians,
chiefly cnidarians.
(thank you, marine-bio teachers.)
"
"if your bladder's atonic, your doc
might prescribe neostigmine to block
cholinesterase: stuff
causing pee leaks and tough
to inhibit when drugs aren't in stock.
"
"tomorrow my topic's eukairite,
but today it's on danaite i write?
a crystalline ore
that contains at its core
cobaltiferous arsenopyrite.
"
"a shrimp plies a whale with libation,
then they wed in complete adoration.
cumacea are shrewd:
get a blubber-boy stewed
and he'll marry beneath his cetacean.
"
"these larvae of moths are a pain,
driving gooseberry growers insane.
currant borers keep chewing
through shoots, gladly doing
their duty?the razing of cane.
"
"the beer master's final hurrah
was induced by a fatal faux pas.
sweeter hops in his brew
caused a stink and a stew.
he got canned in a grand brouhaha.
"
"of the main antimanagement forces,
the clearly most evil, of course, is
the union, whose workers
are whiners and shirkers.
(this comes from my corporate sources.)
"
"acrasiales: an order of fungi
that afford little fun to a pun guy:
spores that swarm, molds of slime,
saprophytic? (now i'm
just a cover-the-meaning-be-done guy.)
"
"when gagging acts rankled tom wooler,
his radical ragging grew fuller,
and he published black dwarf
in the hopes it would morph
to a parliament pusher and puller.
"
"our canoe trip was going just fine,
when a supercell massed in a line.
a derecho was loosed;
first our camp was un-spruced,
then a blowdown left forests supine.
"
"refuting lamarck's silly lark
is, for darwin, a walk in the park,
but the baldwin effect
makes us tend to expect
that some learning, on genes, makes a mark.
"
"though the main-sequence turn-off tells time
like an hour-candle, vast and sublime,
where their like have all died,
the blue stragglers abide,
anomalous, still in their prime.
"
"the birkeland currents revealed
the vastness and scope of the field.
we bask in the auras
of polar auroras,
with most of their secrets still sealed.
"
"there's a month known as anomalistic.
my astronomy prof feels sadistic,
and ad nauseam proves
how the perigee moves.
thank the lord, it's not relativistic!
"
"when binary galaxies gyre,
each vortex of nuclear fire
is gripped by the force
of a gravity source,
and a hungrily circling desire.
"
"both their r?sum?s say they are hot,
but we really don't know what they've got.
when we're judging their minds,
there are only 10 kinds:
they know binary, or they do not.
"
"fundamentalists shun abu dhabi;
it's islamic, but modern; they're snobby.
a fatwa decree
would be met with some glee
by the mob from the lobby wahhabi.
"
"our maid always leaves me dyspeptic?
i demanded my bath be aseptic!
every germ, she denies:
""ya got bugs in your eyes!
get a new pair of glasses, you skeptic!""
"
"dying suns might be seen as quixotic,
matching giants both huge and exotic,
pumped by nuclear hell
in a helium shell
on the branch that is called asymptotic.
"
"""you can say what you will; i conclude
that you don't have the aptitude, dude,
to break open these locks.
now we're stuck in this box,
and again ? thanks to you ? we're all screwed!""
"
"a chemical ruled amphoteric
(and sometimes this beastie is ferric)
is acid one place?
in another, a base?
which can drive placid chemists hysteric.
"
"our photographers' options include
the prosaic, the lofty, the lewd.
with their bayonet mounts,
by all honest accounts,
changing lenses, they're not getting screwed.
"
"allochronism's winning this fight,
disconnects me from day and from night,
and you'd tend to expect
that my health would be wrecked,
but so far, there's no symptom in sight.
"
"my home on the sea floor is magic,
but it seems that my life will be tragic:
the mermaids i woo
will have nothing to do
with the bed (they're abyssopelagic).
"
"when helium nuclei scatter
in a swift alpha-particle spatter,
in one smoke detector
like bullets they vector
in numbers too meager to matter.
"
"it's a stench that can wobble your legs,
and more rank than the rottenest eggs;
this feculent breeze
from the vilest of lees,
how amurcous, the stinking of dregs!
"
"'twas savagely lethal, and yet
this sickness we tend to forget.
the anglicus sudor
that harrowed the tudor
was commonly known as ""the sweate"".
"
"for optics that strive for perfection,
a coating that's antireflection
a quarter-wave thick
will accomplish the trick:
diminishing photon rejection.
"
"each transcendently soul-melting kiss,
or the peace of the wind's soughing hiss,
everlasting heart's ease,
care dissolved on the breeze,
becomes ananda, ultimate bliss.
"
"given berth by each driver who knows her,
like the notes from a drunken composer,
are the cars shoved aside
on a path, straight and wide,
when my mom drives her pink angledozer.
"
"large bodies, fast-falling from space,
collide here and scar the earth's face,
and the seas and the rocks
carry astrobleme pocks
that the best acne-cream can't erase.
"
"the star that is known as the flyer,
from arabic, we call altair,
and also, less frilly,
it's alpha aquilae,
from bayer, whose system is dryer.
"
"i'm alert, and with each shutter-click,
i observe, and i don't miss a trick.
i'll guard you sincerely,
so argus quite clearly
applies to both me and my brick.	
"
"in all systems we've ever observed,
the baryon number's conserved.
go annihilate quarks!
strain space 'til it sparks!
the accountant is never unnerved.
"
"baade's window, when first he peered through,
showed a cosmic, incomparable view,
and this small open door
to the galaxy's core
is enjoyed by a reverent few.
"
"allhallowmas was the routine
for honoring saints and their scene,
though the meaning in time
has become less sublime:
it's the day that's apr?s halloween.
"
"when probing our ethics and laws,
my ""why?"" was rebuffed with ""because!""
the turn aretaic,
from strictures mosaic,
escapes with a virtuous clause.
"
"an ancient marine microfossil,
the acritarch's far from colossal;
it gives me a thrill
to discover one still,
though to hold it takes skill (so don't jostle!).
"
"'twas hopeless, but dogged black hawk
defended the fox and the sauk.
at bad axe, most fell,
and as history would tell,
the ""war"" led to real-estate talk.
"
"hippopotami massed in a bloat
will threaten and sink a small boat.
though a fat river-horse
slurps a veggie main course,
you're invading his turf when you float.
"
"are funguses blighting your nuts?
or parasites stirring your guts?
if some benamyl's used,
you'll be freed, disabused
of your small, squirmin' vermin and smuts.
"
"every student of physics now knows
where the lost binding energy goes,
and how sol, in collusion
with hydrogen fusion,
can blister the end of your nose.
"
"co-orbiting stars always race
round this unmarked location in space,
and it's kind of the pits;
where the barycenter sits
there is always a sun in your face.
"
"when an atom was queried today
if she'd suffered a beta decay,
her response was demure,
so i asked, ""are you sure?""
she was positive. what can i say?
"
"for a ham, it's a joyful occasion
when his beam-path submits to persuasion
by electrons unbound,
whose refraction is found
with the appleton-hartree equation.
"
"precious cargo's in storage below,
from wherever the salty winds blow.
if our argosy sails
past the pirates and gales,
we'll repay the huge debts that we owe.
"
"in this cosmos, we're all on a trip ?
we expand at a very fast clip ?
and like overstuffed pants
when our waistlines advance,
we're expectin' a mighty big rip.
"
"observe daily at 12 o'clock high;
plot the place of the sun in the sky.
by a year from this date
you'll have drawn a big ""8"".
analemma's the shape of a lie.
"
"this month had a full, then a new;
now a second full moon comes in view.
as a metaphor there
for the odd and the rare,
this moon we refer to as blue.
"
"cyclohexane is called aliphatic,
while benzene we term aromatic
since double-bonds bring
to the six-carbon ring
of the latter a pungence dramatic.
"
"""slow children"" was writ on the sign.
amphiboly gives this design
ambiguous clamor
that's rooted in grammar,
where multiple meanings combine.
"
"avoidance refers to the lack
in the sky near the milky way's track
of spirals and such.
you won't find very much:
'twixt the stars you will mostly see black.
"
"they worship the ground where i stray;
i tread on the ground where they pray.
at this fate, i complained:
apotheosis stained
me with hubris, for which i must pay.
"
"when a crag on a high mountain face
splits a glacier descending apace,
from each side, the ice frets
at the ridge that it whets
to create an ar?te in that place.
"
"since the apgar i aced on day one,
not a test has been half as much fun.
i could breathe and turn pink,
make a noise and a stink,
and of nurses i had more than one.
"
"these joint-legged creatures get kicks
from their old exoskeletal tricks.
we love to revile 'em;
the arthropod phylum
has insects and spiders and ticks.
"
"a jewess whose husband is dead
may, after some time, be re-wed,
but pity her tears
if he's missing for years:
agunah they will call her instead.
"
"she has smoked like a chimney so long,
her ageustia's getting quite strong.
once she sprinkled a cake,
made a chocolate mistake,
and used capers that didn't belong.
"
"of airships, the world has two kinds:
the aerostats and aerodynes.
a buoyant upshift
or some airfoils with lift
are the two quintessential designs.
"
"all the aerodynamicists toil
on the airfoil to minimize roil,
and at parties they brag
how they're masters of drag,
making most of the women recoil.
"
"aristocracy's rule is the best,
and their fortunes have surely been blessed.
it is right to be led
by the well-heeled and bred:
they are always impeccably dressed.
"
"his armamentarium holds
a pharmacopoeia from molds.
to fight sundry harms,
a doctor bares arms
in his war on infections and colds.
"
"an astroseismologist knows
how a photosphere jiggles and flows.
though it's parsecs away,
he can happily say
""xi hydrae's sure tappin' his toes!""
"
"adiabatic demagnetization
is a geeky deep-freezing sensation.
a magnetic-salt pill
really gives you a chill
with its no-moving-parts operation.
"
"a coordinate some would find cryptic,
the ascending node marks the ecliptic.
a horoscope carries
the ""first point of aries""
(a synonym much more elliptic).
"
"a gem-cutter knows that a stone
in which small rutile needles have grown
shows a star if it's cut
in a cabochon, but
fake asterias also are known.
"
"i've a need to be worshipped seraphically;
it would hurt if you chose to live sapphically.
prove your ardency's real:
let me test you for zeal
electroencephalographically.
"
"atahualpa was wrong to assume,
with his gold that could fill a big room,
that his kingship would last.
though his armies were massed,
spanish guns, germs, and steel were his doom.
"
"angry people are known to appall;
full of bile, they've no humor at all.
for the french, it's no mystery:
nowhere was history
ever more bitter than gaul.
"
"if you bifurcate something, it's cleft.
take a part, and another part's left.
if what's left isn't right,
you've been spited, in spite
of your lawyer, 'cause hers was more deft.
"
"will the load at the 'tute be intensive?
i am more than a bit apprehensive.
no more wunderkind years;
now a surfeit of peers
puts my confidence on the defensive.
"
"every twilight, i'm lifting my gaze
to the sky, where the glories amaze
and the shadows converge
at the earth's tilting verge,
casting anticrepuscular rays.
"
"that life somehow once overcame
surly bonds, and without taking aim
crossed the void and arrived
somewhere else and survived,
is ballistic panspermia's claim.
"
"for atmosphere (great on a date!)
have some candles and wine by her plate.
but be wise and beware:
those who show too much flair
are infrequently known to be straight.
"
"our clean, simple cosmos got dirty:
an object like bl lacertae
that looks like a quasar
is known as a blazar
if synchrotron beaming is spurty.
"
"full of nuance and heady mentation
is the wine of a fine conversation.
i don't want to be there
if it's nothing but air.
do not ask me to brook bloviation.
"
"here in texas, the summer's no breeze.
as for shade, well, there aren't many trees.
a blue norther blows in
and i can't help but grin,
as outside it drops 30 degrees.
"
"as taxons step up to be weighed
in a fight for the name of the clade,
apomorphisms grow
and taxonomists know
to judge each by the difference it made.
"
"robert boyle, lacking royal largesse,
summoned colleagues whose works would impress.
from glasgow to cheshire
they came, and the pressure
grew more as their volume grew less.
"
"the thing at the end of the lace
on your shoe has a name and a place:
using aiglets to guide,
keep your laces well-tied,
or you're likely to fall on your face.
"
"for a non-slipping loop, in a jiff,
with a bowline i tie up my skiff.
as a scout, i grandstanded
and tied one one-handed
while dangling off of a cliff.
"
"ataxites rain down from the sky,
but rarely, or else we might die.
the heavens are fickle
with old ferronickel:
this alloy's in meager supply.
"
"the ultimate garbage compactor
is a proton-electron reactor:
on a baryon star,
the full mass of a car
is the size of a campylobacter.
"
"some painters respect, and some hate
the auripigmentum's one trait:
the splendid king's yellows
are poisonous fellows.
ingest and you'll soon be ""the late....""
"
"if you pause for a bit to reflect
and no changes your eye can detect,
then your aspect's achiral,
so, unlike a spiral,
reflection will have no effect.
"
"i'm a person who thrives on caffeine,
and robusta's the alkaloid queen,
but a true coffee snob
walks away from the mob
to select the arabica bean.
"
"the theory is nakedly stark:
a bottom's a flavor of quark.
though who'd want to savor
a bottomy flavor?
say ""strange"", and you're missing the mark.
"
"computers are richly bestowed
with software you want them to load.
i'm sensing an odor ?
just what loads the loader?
and what boots the bootstrapping code?
"
"did we leave other primates behind
when we lost our bicameral mind?
asymmetrically deft,
into houses we're cleft,
and in each, different treasures can find.
"
"supercontinents' fate is excision,
so rodinia suffered division;
away baltica flew
like a low-scudding mew,
and at present is almost parisian.
"
"the job of a bridge is suspending,
but for some, there's a moment that's pending
when the structure will break
from a load it can't take:
the most dangerous moment is bending.
"
"at the bloomery, ores meet their doom
in a fiery vulcanian womb.
with our sweat, iron's bought
when the billets are wrought
from the slag-spongy mass of the bloom.
"
"taking bearings could well be a test ?
etymology's what you do best?
you american chaps,
when you orient maps,
to the orient, better go west.
"
"when you're deep, engineer, in abstraction,
you're a nexus of immanent action,
and there's no way to know
(it's a manager's woe!)
if you've strayed to a limerick's attraction.
"
"when the bittacle's candle is lit,
you can see where its compass should sit.
that you failed to equip
such a case on your ship
made your helmsman declare you a twit.
"
"off hawaii, i rented a punt
for a beautimous wampeejaw hunt.
want to feel like a dope? fish
for this longtailed slopefish:
the biggest is only a runt.
"
"use the number that's named for alfv?n
to make sense of the plasma domain.
when the value is low,
expect laminar flow.
when it's higher, see turbulence reign.
"
"i have ice on the tip of my nose.
i cannot feel my fingers or toes,
and this wind from the north
makes me loath to go forth:
it is bitter, when boreas blows.
"
"the deductive was hot on the quarry.
if you offered him clues, you'd be sorry.
""it's no time to be lax!
don't confuse me with facts ?
my conclusions must be a priori!""
"
"to the limits, life's currents will comb,
and then whithersoever they roam,
they'll return as before
to the atrium door.
it's the center of heart and of home.
"
"when an aquifer's recharge location
has a relative high elevation,
from artesian wells
overpressure impels
an eternally gushing libation.
"
"he remembers a lass of low station
who rekindled a certain sensation.
he desires to be kissed,
so he pays for each tryst
in the bawdy house, per assignation.
"
"amphibious creatures are suited
to be dry, or at times be abluted.
don't ask about frogs;
they have gone to the dogs,
because water is subtly polluted.
"
"as you dozed in the sun on the sand,
you were anisotropically tanned.
to be stunning ? your quest;
maraschino ? your chest.
anisotropy ought to be banned!
"
"as a plant without roots is arrhizal,
rootless too are the nomads with faisal:
they refuse to be pinned,
and they move like the wind,
ever seeking and fleeing reprisal.
"
"an auriverous, desperate horde
the auriferous klondike explored.
in they rafted and mushed,
an affluxion that rushed
into hardship, but reaped no reward.
"
"she's anserine, raising the dander
of goslings, who hate their commander,
crying ""fowl! it's abuse!
why is our mother goose
on the loose making sauce for the gander?""
"
"where once edgar poe would adore
his lissome lost lovely lenore,
the poet's pen plies
alliterative lies
and assonant angst nevermore!
"
"in his long gravitational spree,
jove has captured much solar debris,
and his tipsy platoons
of ananke group moons
all have names that are ending in e.
"
"normal matter is mostly what's left ?
was the baryogenesis... theft?
that's the term that explains
that the stuff that remains
is of matter that's anti-, bereft.
"
"the constant that boltzmann called k
was this physicist's effort to say
""let the energy pass
to each atom of gas
in a temperature-sensitive way.""
"
"where the factor from boltzmann gets used
is a topic on which i'm enthused,
for it simply relates
to one's energy states.
i'm excited, so mine are diffused.
"
"the astronomer worried all night ?
was the absolute magnitude right?
bolometric correction
has led to rejection
of papers on galaxies' light.
"
"after colleagues cheered appleton's find
that the wireless and sun are entwined,
he was honored as well
by the queen and nobel,
and the pope followed closely behind.
"
"allochiria stung hamlet's mother
as she lay between brother and brother;
on the wrong side she felt
each caress that was dealt,
'til she couldn't tell one from the other.
"
"a driller's predominant goal
is to get to the oil with a hole,
but the cost if it's cased
might not be to his taste,
since a barefoot completion's a stroll.
"
"it's chile, and sometimes it's hot,
but the sere atacama is not
a good place to grow grain,
'cause it's not going to rain
in this high-and-dry andean spot.
"
"oh professor, don't think me unruly;
i've a question.  i'm asking it coolly.
when a spiral takes form
in a flower or storm,
why's it named for that fellow, bernoulli?
"
"of that country, i now see the bourne ?
the edge. shall i cross it? i'm torn.
what might travellers learn?
will they ever return?
i'm unable to choose, and forlorn.
"
"if you're breathing azote, and it's pure,
for five minutes or more, i am sure
you'll be crossing the styx
from a nitrogen fix,
but for pests that infest, it's a cure.
"
"the priest saw his aquamanile
was empty, and pantomimed slyly
the rinsing of hands
with his back to the stands,
and then offered the eucharist dryly.
"
"my pulse does the beat from ""take five,""
so i'll jig to arrhythmia's jive.
irregular clocks
are a school of hard knocks,
but it sure beats not being alive.
"
"if you are a weaver who's sighing
for deep reddish-purple for dyeing,
the root of the madder
will make you much gladder:
alizarin's well worth the trying.
"
"bart bok thought that globules were right
to be sources of new stellar light.
when the star-maker comes
and he bakes, these are crumbs,
coal black like a hole in the night.
"
"in reykjavik althingmen came
and decreed: ""the allowable name
ends in dottir or son.
all else, you must shun.
keeping culture alive is our aim.""
"
"one can half-fix a word that's half dead,
add an affix to tail and/or head,
though it might lead to schism
if neo-word-ism
on writing, like compost, is spread.
"
"if your actions are called aldermanic,
should you head for the hills in a panic?
calm your quavering knees;
you're no loony with trees,
but a viceroy of regions brittanic.
"
"may the yeast in your beer effervesce,
and your buns rise enough to impress,
and when beer or baked beans
cause aerogenous jeans,
may you never be forced to confess.
"
"in the garden, arched branches will grow
o'er a walkway where lovers might go.
is it tree-weaving arts,
or a cradle for hearts?
call it arbor, or call it berceau.
"
"round saturn, a beautiful thing
is a shepherd moon's orbital swing,
and a is in place
thanks to gravity's grace
because atlas is mooning that ring.
"
"as a ham, i give thanks in a prayer
to the f (or the appleton) layer,
'cause it helps me reflect,
though i've come to suspect
that a phone is a better conveyer.
"
"in the arctic, the raw bellot winds
cut like knives through your polar-bear skins,
and explorers who go
there at fifty below
face a shoving match. ice always wins.
"
"your lens isn't apochromatic?
my comment is brief, but emphatic:
your livelihood hinges
on whether those fringes
are taken for art, or erratic.
"
"aim for aerospace, lofty domain
of the rocket, the jet, and the plane.
some recruiters may sneer
at this layoff career,
but the journey is part of the gain.
"
"after childbirth, consult your physician
if your babe's in an awful condition.
aarskog syndrome's the name
of the problems that came
from recessive genetic transmission.
"
"her berceuse lulls our baby to sleep,
and its melody reaches so deep
that i yearn for my wife
and a lullaby life,
and i grieve that this moment won't keep.
"
"jocasta could be no one other
than oedipus' very own mother.
the moment he knew
that a tragedy's due:
anagnorisis ? denouement's brother.
"
"that a nearly invisible bite
from a spider should lead to this plight
has us shaking our heads.
arachnidism spreads,
a necrosis with no end in sight.
"
"a quark's quantum numbers are few;
its color and strangeness are two.
antiquarks are disbursed
with their numbers reversed:
antired, antigreen, antiblue.
"
"when you count every last little quark,
their mass falls way short of the mark;
if it's not baryonic,
i find it ironic:
the best we can say is ""it's dark.""
"
"when juliet shone in the light
of torches she taught to burn bright,
did romeo know
that unlike a crow
she possessed high albedo that night?
"
"the mean (arithmetic)'s ill-used.
it's an average that's sadly abused.
when the total amount
is divided by count,
both statistics and truth are confused.
"
"i awoke feeling horny today,
but performance is ebbing away.
though it's ""use it, or lose it!"",
my partner eschews it,
so atrophy's having its way.
"
"if you see ethiopia, seek
the people and lingo unique
to a region out there
(once an empire fair):
in amhara, amharic they speak.
"
"when the food critic emptied  his plate,
he'd critique every mouthful he ate.
after seconds (and thirds!)
you could see that his words
and his arches would carry great weight.
"
"though the coopered madeira is young,
captain hook tries to auger a bung
with a bitbrace. his grip
on the bitstock might slip,
because drool's running off of his tongue.
"
"where precambrian presidents' faces
gaze out over old placer places,
native holiness fills
south dakota's black hills ?
and they're putting in more rv spaces.
"
"his coneys contract enteritis.
""it's the bloat!"" bewails poor farmer titus.
they're distended with gas;
should it happen to pass
that they die, rabbit stew will delight us.
"
"aragorn, lengthy abider,
is elessar, estel, and strider.
when eowyn mopes
and laments her lost hopes,
her hope is there standing beside her.
"
"i've been self-analyzing for years.
such autology conjures up fears;
if mental inversion
can't break from recursion,
my brains will leak out of my ears.
"
"articulation's a sober technique,
but beginners who try it might squeak.
to move from legato
to woodwind staccato
won't work with your tongue in your cheek.
"
"the town that was once called grand chute
has a name now that honors our fruit.
that was more than enough,
'til a history buff
said it's actually named for a suit.
"
"the avowterer stared at his plate,
flushing crimson from collar to pate;
o'er the restaurant aisle
saw the barrister smile
at his wife ? the avowterer's date.
"
"the arciform chin hangs below,
while above floats an arcuate 'fro.
add a few arcate lines
like brancusi designs ?
it's a face! (from shapes curved like a bow).
"
"an arachnid's abdominal nook
can have lungs made of leaves like a book.
maybe eight, maybe two ?
i'll leave counting to you.
as for me, i'm too squeamish to look.
"
"the factory simply called ""b""
makes very expensive debris.
with positrons gnashing
electrons, it's smashing
out mesons with 6 gev.
"
"amphichiral pertains to a knot
(and to candidates bought for a baht)
which can morph its complexion
to its mirror reflection
and be opposites, all in one spot.
"
"when base 2 and base 5 make a pair,
a bi-quinary number is there.
it's what abaci use,
and can roundly confuse
round-eyed yanks at a chinatown fair.
"
"an innocent, needing no shriver,
the lamb was, alas, no survivor.
the split of its skin,
so transparently thin,
was to bindery boys,  batwing skiver.
"
"that bristol's the best is the truth,
but handling that paper's uncouth.
if vellum's the finish,
your oils can diminish
the requisite bite of the tooth.
"
"when i sawed topological lumber,
i saw that its shape would encumber
attempts to divide;
every cut that i tried
only gave it a new betti number.
"
"in the lagan from cambrian seas,
there's a dragon that's catching some z's.
though ancalagon's gone,
its priapulid spawn
are still dodging extinction with ease.
"
"as designers of optics, we slur
any lenses where defects occur,
and we know the equations
for most aberrations,
but bokeh's a bit of a blur.
"
"the powers that be make it clear
they control and distort what you hear.
the truth mixed with lies
augers in through your eyes
and the agitprop fills ear to ear.
"
"with acid-free paper's arrival,
we're set for a reading revival.
low lignin, more rag
will make bookbinders brag ?
but there's pulp that should not be archival.
"
"some groups you can see are bipolar,
and the laws that they follow are droller
than fields tied in knots.
but i'm talking of spots,
for the groups i refer to are solar.
"
"the blazhko effect subtly mars
the pulsations of pulsating stars,
while the physicist's brain
that is tasked to explain
suffers angst and emotional scars.
"
"every bioastronomy geek
is an exobiology freak;
is there life way out there?
is it blue? does it care
that our astrobiology's weak?
"
"i might be a brain in a vat
who has never been truly at bat.
has the life that i've led
happened all in my head?
what being would architect that?
"
"back in 2500 b.c.
a seed started making a tree.
it's a bristlecone pine
and it's still doing fine
high and dry on a mountainside's lee.
"
"assimilationists stand up and say
that all kids should speak english today:
different tongues could bring strife,
and divide like a knife
every you in the u. s. of a.
"
"a wonderful thing is a skin
at dividing whats out from what's in.
when you first are a ball,
microscopically small,
blastocoelic, your innards begin.
"
"a geologist finds with a shock
an erratic allochthonous rock
which was formed, it is clear,
rather distant from here.
you blame aliens? look up ad hoc.
"
"there's an elf in my camera box;
he retired from posing for cox.
i un-shutter a hole
and he paints on a roll
for a taste of my whisky and rocks.
"
"brace up! though your troubles begin,
there's no use in a quivering chin.
whatever your part,
if you first can take heart,
there's a bit of this battle you'll win.
"
"i'm too stupid to see any flaws
in these new metaphysical laws.
for the structure of space
and the look on my face,
a p-brane's the root and the cause.
"
"though their fishermen oft were sardonic,
their launderers grimly ironic,
the ancients had smarts
in the theatre arts,
for their teachers were all histrionic.
"
"aerospace engineers train
all their lives to design a good plane.
lofty work they enjoyed,
but became unemployed
'cause their brains were too extramundane.
"
"the prints, with solutions besotted,
would dry all discolored and spotted.
to rinse in a tray
washed the image away,
so with bibulous paper, they blotted.
"
"near sudan, on the banks of the nile,
abu simbel's a temple with style;
out of aswan's long reach,
with a view of the beach,
nimble rameses flashes a smile.
"
"stars' spectra show shadows in series;
hence balmer directed his queries
to the spacing of lines
caused when hydrogen shines,
which led doctor bohr to his theories.
"
"with a wedding, their marriage began,
but its fate didn't follow his plan.
a divorce was its doom,
and it gobsmacked the groom
when his bride later picked the best man.
"
"the hawaiians used stars to provide
navigation for trips far and wide.
at the zenith, they're bright
when the latitude's right;
to hawai'i, arcturus would guide.
"
"astrometers measure each star
and catalog where they all are.
these reticle-sighters
may follow all-nighters
by raising a glass at the bar.
"
"to a goy like i am, ashkenazi
means jewish; beyond that i'm fozzie.
sephardics from spain
are another domain,
but they might as well be anasazi.
"
"an obligate aerobe is bound
to reside where o2 can be found.
from its nebular birth,
for long eons on earth
there were none of these critters around.
"
"if its brittleness is a mistake,
and your work-hardened metal might break,
this flaw can be healed
if the part is annealed,
meaning heated, for ruggedness' sake.
"
"the black dwarf is a novel by scott
with a tortuous, syrupy plot.
though it once was a friend,
he was glad of its end,
but his readers were certainly not.
"
"the asteroid group called amor
will descend to the earth to adore,
but their consummate kiss
is at best a near-miss.
were it not, we'd be flirting no more.
"
"if you look at crude oil with acumen,
you see volatiles mixed with bitumen.
do the mocking birds cry
that their ancestors lie
in the asphalt that we are exhumin'?
"
"when i offered a taste of my wort,
my reward was a bitter retort.
attenuation looked good,
sugar dropped as it should,
but romance i was forced to cut short.
"
"the agulhas marine retroflection
has an anticyclonic direction,
and it spawns giant rings
that bear tropical things
in an indian ocean connection.
"
"when an argument's growth never stops,
there's no point here in calling the cops.
true anomalies seen
as eccentric or mean
in celestial mechanics are tops.
"
"the volleyball girls were asthenic:
their long and lean limbs, pan-hellenic.
a sorry self-kidder,
i know they'd consider
a middle-aged man pathogenic.
"
"do not mock me, and please, do not probe;
i do not have the patience of job.
""it's just peanut butter,""
i'll desperately mutter.
i'm an arachibutyrophobe.
"
"their high aspirations are bald;
they act as if they have been called.
my wheaties grow sour
with each morning's glower:
""choose me! i'm completely appalled!""
"
"what made planetologists swoon
was anorthosite found on the moon.
how this white feldspar rock
raised the theorists' stock
is a tale for a long afternoon.
"
"on my polar bear swim, physics acted,
and the heat from my core was abstracted.
i sent prayers devout
but continued to doubt
i'd regain all the parts i'd retracted.
"
"though the nfl strikers were mocking,
the thespian stand-ins came knocking.
you could tell from the start
when a play fell apart,
they would blame its demise on bad blocking.
"
"the angevin dynasties (two)
were medieval and french (from anjou).
by induction, the strings
of plantagenet kings
would have henrys galore (and they do!).
"
"an armigerous man with a crest
will display it and puff out his chest.
there are so many rules
about family gules
that ignoring the lot would be best.
"
"anamorphic distortion was in,
used in cinemascope for a win
to project double-wide
and get viewers inside.
on the film, even orson was thin.
"
"this asthenia's making me mild
(i am weak, with the strength of a child).
now let's guess at the reasons:
i've too many seasons?
or maybe my lover just smiled!
"
"the direction from you to the sun?
antisolar's the opposite one.
on a dark, moonless night,
ghostly gegenschein light
can be seen there, if cities you shun.
"
"as dynamical systems will crawl
from their past to their future, recall
that vis viva times time
added up on the climb ?
total action ? will move not at all.
"
"there once was a rock hound named sheryl
who was keen on the mineral beryl,
with its aqua sea-blues
and pink morganite hues,
even goshenite, pallid and sterile.
"
"this table-saw owner's abashed:
by its arbor and blade, he was lashed,
and its legacy lingers
in carpenters' fingers ?
the missing, the shortened, the smashed.
"
"he says ""boy, i love kidneys and stout!""
but this mayor from dyfed has gout,
and when light drains away
over cardigan bay,
toasts his town, aberystwyth, without.
"
"if you're using a subsurface map
to divine the best places to tap,
where the layers dip down
from an anticline's crown,
and you're lucky, there could be a trap.
"
"dimensionless units may reek
of a trekkie's bizarre techno-speak,
but if you fine-tune it,
the amagat unit
will prove you're a helluva geek.
"
"there's a student i knew from parnassus
who had trouble equating his gases.
he had to fine tune it
with the amagat unit
and now passes gases in classes.
"
"the color within cannot hide;
when gypsum is chemically dried
it's anhydrite, with hue
of a pale lilac blue,
renamed angelite, new agers' pride.
"
"we think wine (when distilled) is like candy;
in wisconsin, there's always some handy.
any cocktail you choose
that contains brownish booze
we will happily render with brandy.
"
"if a christmas aubade is your goal,
then  trans-arctic circle is droll:
a solstice surprise is
the sun never rises
from there to the boreal pole.
"
"how the future's depicted by seers ?
that the fata morgana appears ?
how the tarot foresees
some of your what-may-be's ?
the arcana's domain is our fears.
"
"i inherited land from maman;
the amount was a hundred arpents.
there weren't any takers
for eighty-five acres
down-breeze from a cheese fabricant.
"
"i am sure there is only one truth;
i find all other world-views uncouth.
absolutism's fine,
'til you try to assign
the proportions of gin and vermouth.
"
"to most who are told it's a bore,
what atomic mass units are for:
by law it is true
that one amu
is one-twelfth c-12's mass, nothing more.
"
"in the garden, i painted a squash,
using casein, egg tempera, and gouache.
when the rains came i learned:
aquamedia's turned
to a multi-hued mess by a wash.
"
"leaving enemies clammy and breathless
in a search for a reign that was deathless,
might he live to old age
(not beheaded offstage)
if he first could be lady macbethless?
"
"ancient comets and meteors fly
lonely eons, then fall here to die.
when commanded to yield
by our atmosphere-shield,
they explode in an airburst on high.
"
"""close your eyes! open wide!"" she'd entreat,
and i'd do it, awaiting a sweet.
she expected a smile,
but the flavor was vile
and my face was as red as that beet.
"
"when venus's phase is a crescent,
the unlit side looks luminescent.
i wept at the sight
of this pale ashen light,
and they fed me an antidepressant.
"
"in phnom penh, happy pizza is strong,
but they'll get you riel for a song.
go to see angkor wat;
they like bucks, they like baht,
and will gladly accept your new dong.
"
"finding elements four wasn't cheap,
for philosophers think and drink deep.
""more spirits..."" was slurred.
then the fifth one occurred:
it was aether. they fell fast asleep.
"
"she was not irredeemably dumb;
only half of a bubble off plumb.
the anserine crone
had a skull, mostly bone,
and a penchant for sucking her thumb.
"
"when programmers did their jobs well,
then orderly patterns befell.
alas, much less scanty
were patterns called ""anti"",
a part of a nasty ""code smell.""
"
"a procedure oft given short shrift,
once it's mastered, is truly a gift.
if you want to be light
or achieve greater height,
simply grab your own bootstraps and lift.
"
"those folks who behave atheistically
will tell you they live realistically.
to attend to one's self,
not to angel, nor elf,
is the game that they play egotistically.
"
"how inept was the would-be adept
who forgot where true power is kept?
in a spell-packed grimoire.
he passed out in a bar,
and his magic was robbed as he slept.
"
"those nifty armillary things
are objects with multiple rings,
like the actress so dear,
ms. armillary sphere,
quite rotund after five married flings.
"
"i can't watch ? but i must! it's the pits:
needle biopsy has me in fits.
when they aspirate cells
i'm in multiple hells:
there's a chance that i'll make the obits.
"
"eat a candy bar; alimentation
runs from eating unto defecation.
but when hydrogen bars
run through innards of stars
and make metals, we call it astration.
"
"our boy eliot makes such a mess,
putting bootleggers under duress;
though the speakeasies topple,
i wish he would stop all
this nasty abominableness.
"
"we're the live-music hub of the world,
where the lone star is proudly unfurled.
we're a hot high-tech place
with a wild breakneck pace?
to futurity austin is hurled.
"
"baade's window's a jewel, if you've seen it,
and the view? well, it's hard to demean it.
through the dust, it's a door
to the galaxy's core.
(but please, never ask me to clean it!)
"
"she gave birth on the spaceship vermeer
with a boost factor way above peer,
so contractions occurred,
and dilations? absurd!
her delivery lasted a year!
"
"in vain, to my class, i insisted
invisible photons existed,
but the time that i showed
how my underwear glowed
got both me and my blacklight black-listed.
"
"it's a cute little curtain of rings;
move your head, and it jingles and sings.
from your basinet pale,
hang an aventail's mail,
'cause a sword in the neck really stings.
"
"""immortality ore"" is a crock;
simple tellurides won't stop the clock.
there's no fountain of youth.
you had best face the truth
that bezsmertnovite's nothing but rock.
"
"just how does a man make a tackle
that isn't a tangled debacle?
add falls for good punning,
blocks standing and running,
with becket and sheaves and a shackle.
"
"aberration that's stellar is daft
and confuses the star-watchers' craft:
when a star's in our sight,
due to orbital flight
its direction is shifted to aft!
"
"ere the battle, his feelings were odd.
was the life of the flesh a facade?
in the bhagavad gita,
did arjuna meet a
true song from the mouth of his god?
"
"i'm a birler whose skill is supreme,
treading logs for america's team.
though the logs bob and spin,
i just never fall in ?
help! i'm trapped in a lumberjack's dream!
"
"in a crystal, light's speed is contingent
on whether the stuff's birefringent.
a ray's interactions
with double refractions
make two, when just one was impingent.
"
"engineers took the time to observe
how a car body's surface might swerve.
though appearing abstruse,
it was quick to seduce:
they invented the b?zier curve.
"
"if an atom decays every second,
the amount of your sample is reckoned
a single becquerel,
and each immature cell
should be wary of samples more fecund.
"
"the bearings that run in a race
might be circling, or running in place.
they will never get lost
but the race has a cost:
if just one goes, they all meet disgrace.
"
"a pessimist sadly conceded
his hairline had sharply receded.
his wife is more bullish:
""what's left is quite fullish!""
to me, his head's bigger than needed.
"
"our quarrel is old; now let's patch it.
make an offer of peace, and i'll match it.
we still won't be friends
but we can make amends,
so let's formally bury the hatchet.
"
"when brewster described to the class
how a sunbeam reflects from a glass
at an angle that's right,
making polarized light,
they all fled for the exits en masse.
"
"this fine farm is a lentil machine:
it adds fuel to the arbitrage scene.
but the trade pit's insane,
so right here i'll remain
where the slow pulse of gain...is a bean.
"
"the archives war, great in renown,
kept austin the capital town.
sam houston's night raiders
were bootless invaders,
returning with naught but a frown.
"
"a learner of letters like me
never tires from a up to z.
to my five-year-old tot
alphabetarian's not
a thing he wants to grow up to be.
"
"old captains who perished in hassles
haunt their quarterdecks wearing gold tassels.
nowhere else would they be
but hereafter at sea,
spending afterlives in aftercastles.
"
"while you fished with the nets you had sewed,
ferried wares with the sea as your road,
good behavior you saw
was from inter-net law:
the informal amalphitan code.
"
"the physics nerds worry and fret
over action they can't seem to get.
""i think girls are so keen!
but each bra that i've seen
is the kind that you find with a ket.""
"
"death du jour is served up by the docs.
""it's an astrocytoma? that rocks!""
hmmm...a starfish of pain
slowly munching my brain?
""no, i think i'll just have the french pox.""
"
"when nicholson noticed ananke,
he probably needed a hanky
to wipe joyous tears;
he'd been searching for years
for more jupiter-style hanky-panky.
"
"they are swaddled in cold atrous shrouds
known as giant molecular clouds?
newborn clusters of stars?
as astrogeny spars
with the darkness that hems its bright crowds.
"
"red shapes, fast removed, would reveal
a faint afterglow, cyan or teal,
and these figments enthrall.
though these pigments i'd call
accidental, the colors are real.
"
"when tides flow, anemones clash:
polyps creep in a real-estate dash.
swollen tentacle-things,
acrorhagi with stings,
drive invaders away with the lash.
"
"avicenna, the prince of physicians,
served princes and cured their conditions.
his canon was hotter
than our harry potter
for medical, magic traditions.
"
"clay bricks line a ladle for steel;
they bloat when they're heated and seal
all their joints and their cracks,
though the brick still reacts
with the slag, so it's short of ideal.
"
"when a bedswerver's hungry for spice,
it's unlikely she'll heed the advice
when her conscience yells, ""don't!""
and i'm guessing she won't
give a thought to adultery's price.
"
"in a semiconductor, the roles
of the dopants have opposite poles:
a donor's charge lands
in the valence band's hands,
but acceptors give off only holes.
"
"though my brush strokes were carefully gentle,
the critics were harshly judgemental.
on the subject, they found
blended hues from the ground,
so the colors were all accidental.
"
"black broughams, whose ghostly wheels furrow
the turf, madly search through the borough,
from the sloughs by the loch
to the boughs at the brough,
every night, for a wight can be thorough.
"
"eridanus, the river, winds 'round
where the best constellations are found.
though the river's end shows
where bright achernar glows,
to all europe, it's under the ground.
"
"up on top, it's a kind of a hummock,
but below, it hangs down like my stomach.
metal hulls pay a price
underneath polar ice
when a submarine bumps on a bummock.
"
"your proposal is airy and fairy.
is it sensibly grounded? not very!
deep in public disgrace,
leaders will not erase
their dishonor with hari and kari.
"
"in our passion to never know dearth,
we obsess about burgeoning worth.
we'll bloat as we burgeon
and end like that sturgeon,
afloat belly-up in the firth.
"
"getting abietine out is a skill
when it gunks up my turpentine still.
you could scrape or machine it;
pure water won't clean it.
hot alcohol usually will.
"
"cinderfellas have cause to bemoan
if their step-dad gets sons of his own.
but the goths used to say,
""adfiliation's our way:
i consider you bone of my bone!""
"
"neopolitans see solfatara
as it steams like their fresh carbonara.
bradyseism's repeat
lifts and lowers their feet,
yet they seldom consider samsara.
"
"in a vacuum, your eyes would bug out
before leaving their sockets, no doubt.
in a ridley scott dream,
no one hears if you scream
at the alien licking its snout.
"
"fair venus's face shows disgust
from arachnoids that blemish her crust.
what act manufactures
these spider-web fractures?
i shudder to ask, but i must.
"
"while a heisenbug hides when you seek it,
a bohr bug will let you critique it.
that it's solid and real
has a simple appeal:
it holds still when you try to antique it.
"
"her grandfather's scale had its merits ?
he could measure one hair of liz barrett's.
the demo had ended;
the child apprehended.
""but why do we weigh things in carrots?""
"
"there's no ""faster-than-light"" ? it's the law!
still, the physicists look for a flaw.
when the first to arrive
with alcubierre's drive
faces einstein, we'll call it a draw.
"
"the building is ""double-plus good"":
rough concrete is better than wood
in the brutalist style.
i would venture a smile
if piled rubble was there where it stood.
"
"when similar frequencies meet
interference produces a beat.
the beat cepheid stars
are like mistuned guitars
in disharmony as they compete.
"
"hoffman's cynical jest made me crabby:
steal this book, as a title, was shabby.
but the bookplate within
i enjoyed with a grin?
""1970: stolen from abbie.""
"
"the arjuna asteroids' place
is like earth's in copernican space.
will disaster-oids find us?
the worst is behind us;
for now, we are living in grace.
"
"when a charge is arrested in flight,
it will radiate bremsstrahlung light.
so you wear a lead shirt,
thinking photons won't hurt.
if they're gamma rays, though, they just might.
"
"by the roadsides, the deer like to hang
since the grass there is sweet as meringue.
the best bang for the buck
has them pushing their luck,
when a car gets a buck for its bang.
"
"we are circling the galaxy's mass
like a train around mountains of gas.
the best train-hopping spot
(nice and slow, like as not)
is the apogalacticon pass.
"
"established for good on that day
was the fame of the frenchman, auger.
through a path indirect,
he could claim an effect
on electrons that wandered away.
"
"a priest, making sausage in haste,
fell in, and was ground to a paste.
though once a fine fella,
he's now mortadella,
and beckons to catholic taste.
"
"a bosh is a blast furnace floor,
like a funnel that has a side door,
where iron looks sunny,
gets soft, and then runny,
and slides down the trough in a pour.
"
"is a blast furnace bustle pipe's name
to remind us of hips in a frame,
or of hustling masses
of hot, rushing gases?
they're good at supporting a flame.
"
"if you fish with a baptist, i hear
that the need for another is clear.
if you take along two,
they'll be proper and true;
only one, and he'll drink all your beer.
"
"this fungus i'd call allochoric;
it grows on the bones of old yorick,
and i'm getting a hunch
it invaded my lunch.
call the pharmacist! send paregoric!
"
"an androchore hatches a plan:
for dispersal, it leans upon man.
isn't barnyard grass nice?
a dead ringer for rice!
so we plant it as fast as we can.
"
"my garden's a home for odd pottery,
antiques someone won in a lottery,
and glitz that we've bought,
and it serves as, god wot,
an example of simple godwottery.
"
"bromination's a halogen coup
that molecular forces pursue.
burly bromine, with clout,
shoves a hydrogen out,
bidding vagabond freedom adieu.
"
"mrs. bentz i shall fervently praise:
sweet melitta, who launches my days.
toast the angels who sent her?
the lady inventor?
my well-filtered coffee i raise!
"
"our frankie won't travel the highway;
he'd rather take detour and byway.
""i might arrive later ?
your path is much straighter.
what matters is, i did it my way.""
"
"we know nasa for alphabet soup:
all the acronyms make our lids droop.
but here's proof of the rumor
that somewhere, there's humor:
the backronym acronym group.
"
"east anglia fell to the danes
and her king suffered martyrdom's pains;
though historians ravel
our holiday travel
to bury st edmunds remains.
"
"in the limericks that, herein, we write,
oft bizarrerie pops into sight,
for the lexicon carries
a wealth of vagaries.
in weirdness, word-lovers delight.
"
"a brownie's a mischievous sprite,
though he helps while we're sleeping at night.
leave him food every day,
but don't offer to pay
or he'll angrily answer the slight.
"
"these grammatical errors betoken
your struggle where english is spoken.
you're a lexical gimp
'cause you talk with a limp.
your speech isn't fixed, so it's broken.
"
"use a recipe? bah, what a crock!
you might say my soup is ad hoc,
for it's improvised swill,
and i change it at will
with whatever's at hand and in stock.
"
"though our bard's western saxon was lispy,
his voice growing will-o'-the-wispy,
the tale became plain:
that a dragon was slain,
and that beowulf ended up crispy.
"
"in our offerings of blood, the unknown
sent an omen, not flesh and not bone.
from a swift, cruel cut
to the ram's heaving gut
fell a magical bezoar, a stone.
"
"streaks of dew cross the cottage wall's rocks;
potted bugloss blooms blue in a box.
every leaf that you touch
looks like nothing so much
as the hairy green tongue of an ox.
"
"of the mountains of italy's spine,
says pliny, ""the cheese is divine.""
can the imbrium coast
make this apennine boast?
offered cheese from the moon, i'd decline.
"
"the alchemist's gimmick with heat,
g.e. and its wizards would beat.
countless ovens were sold
in the athanor's mold,
and transmuted to gold on the street.
"
"if galactic astronomer arp
tried to photograph fashion, he'd harp
on his film's high acutance
and tell his disputants
he's making the clothing look sharp.
"
"when stars like the sun call it quits,
they will blow up in spherical fits
like vast roman candles.
a few shoot off ""handles"";
these ansae are stars doing splits.
"
"the spirits were having some sport.
for my weight, now i'm overly short.
ectoplasm abounds,
but to gain fifty pounds
is the cruelest kind of apport.
"
"there's an atrioventricular block
that's preventing a life-giving shock
(av block, 2-to-1),
and it's really no fun,
though it might make one stop and take stock.
"
"young aristocrats, as they're preparing
for lordship, learn carriage and bearing.
they must master rp,
and then following tea,
turn attention to gambling and swearing.
"
"icy breeze makes a horse stamp and chuff;
waving trees in a zephyr will sough,
and a sailor caught napping
will wake to the flapping
and snapping of sails, all aluff.
"
"tomatoes and basil combine
in a sauce with a flavor divine.
could it cause a red scare?
on the verge of red square
it was sainted and given a shrine.
"
"norwegian, the tongue, is a fiction:
in norway, the grammar and diction
is bokmaal for most,
but where fjords cut the coast
nynorsk is pronounced with conviction.
"
"pesky enemies try to swiss-cheese ya,
so a hauberk you don, to your knees! ya
wear an acton beneath
as a soft cotton sheath,
so your nipples won't need anesthesia.
"
"when taut-breasted vessels are stowed,
the breasting-face timbers erode.
what helps is a camel
(marine, not the mammal)
to bear and distribute the load.
"
"i'd be happy with multiple chins,
or to look like i'm pregnant with twins,
but instead i must gasp
in cachexia's grasp.
the africans call it the thins.
"
"schiaparelli began the confusion,
and lowell's response was delusion.
there's martian canali?
the people must rally!
invasion ? a foregone conclusion.
"
"last winter we formed a cabal
to recover the rule of transvaal.
but now google insists
it no longer exists,
and we're lost in kwazulu-natal.
"
"the bollard pull measures the forces
of tugboats with plenty of horses.
each tug that we use
must have powerful screws,
which the annual testing endorses.
"
"long ago, at my grandpappy's knee,
i was taught how to program in c.
then it grew. c++
taught me mostly to cuss.
now i bleed from c#-edged debris.
"
"after color exposures are done,
send for processing (c-41).
get the negatives back.
then you ask, why so black?
(on the dashboard, they baked in the sun.)
"
"o captan, mercaptan, i dread
what i'll find when your stink fills my head.
adding thiol to gas
is a pain in the ass
but far better than ending up dead.
"
"when craters disfigure terrain,
at times they align in a chain.
in the crater arena,
a chain's a catena.
the causes? mundane to arcane.
"
"a camelopard recently starred
at a kiss concert, acid and hard.
i was starting to laugh
at the singing giraffe.
then his tongue stuck out nearly a yard.
"
"mistakes in the code in computers
turn programming studs into neuters.
a logical bug
simply pulls out the rug
and can lead to neurotic rebooters.
"
"from his speech, he's no man of the cloth.
he's become most exceedingly wroth
as each bug in his code
jeers a maddening ode
to the myth that it came from a moth.
"
"technicians debugging mark ii
found that relays can fail when they chew
on an insect's abdomen.
this seems like an omen
of software so buggy it's poo.
"
"the wine has been drained. they suggest
i refill from the butt. hence my quest
to the buttery door.
""there's no butt on the floor.""
""there is now!"" i'm the butt of their jest.
"
"buying back issues really felt sweet:
now your playboy collection's complete.
with six-hundred or so
since the first with monroe,
finding room for them all is a feat.
"
"chaoticians have learned to expect
that each butterfly has an effect.
is its flapping a crime
against order and time?
all the oracles' futures are wrecked!
"
"in a buckminsterfullerene ball
you can find sixty carbons in all.
a buckyball locker
for nanotech soccer
might strike us as shockingly small.
"
"when your car requires bulletproof glass,
you expect to be pushing up grass.
soon enough they'll get in
when defenses grow thin,
and you don't have a bulletproof ass.
"
"before christ, on the bosporus shore,
old byzantium grew, and knew war.
'twas a bustling place
for the people of thrace.
later on, it was quite a bit more.
"
"though her freedom i'd never begrudge,
little bird-brains are apt to misjudge.
on my budgie's first flight
she flew into the light,
and a truck-driver christened her ""smudge"".
"
"we hope winter has broken his back,
but he smites us with candlemas crack.
from the cross-quarter days
til the spring's warming rays,
it's a blustering, frigid attack.
"
"why is cantaloupe-textured terrain
so unique to this frigid domain?
will the cavi shed light on
the nature of triton?
will pits be the pits to explain?
"
"if the docs had a cure worth salutin',
for which parents were prayin' and rootin',
and with vapors or salts
could cure asperger's faults...
not so fast! we'd have missed isaac newton!
"
"with my time machine, shiny and new,
i went fishing for trilobite stew.
but my cast was too deep,
finding nothing to reap
but some slimy pre-cambrian goo.
"
"my widget got stuck. in a panic
i summoned a nanomechanic.
""i can fix it, of course.
it's your casimir force.""
his bill wasn't small, but titanic.
"
"all i want is a walk in the park;
i've been lugging this chamber of dark
(your camera obscura)
from maine to ventura.
it's time you were making your mark.
"
"cook some sugar-cane juice in a still ?
what comes out is the pride of brazil.
all the people's demands
for the 4000 brands
of cacha?a, distillers fulfill.
"
"with a bush hammer, masons can make
stone that's dressed. with each swing that they take,
rows of pyramid teeth
crush the granite beneath.
in the home, they can tenderize steak.
"
"it's a gimmick, as everyone knows,
used by ingres and more, i suppose,
but with pencil in paw,
i am able to draw
what the camera lucida shows.
"
"i am boiling the malt and the hops.
later on, after bubbling stops,
i'll add yeast to ferment.
the result, heaven-sent,
will be brewage... and after that, cops.
"
"i am startled, while hiking the brocken,
at the specter, it seems, of a kraken!
brightly haloed on cloud,
shadowed arms in a crowd ?
just like me, it is jumpin' and rockin'!
"
"black powder's a sainthood-defeater,
a sin held within a repeater.
its white demon breath
is an omen of death,
and the sulfur and smoke assault peter.
"
"from a chef, a bearnaise is divine
when the tarragon's flavors combine
with the butter and yolks.
but for commonplace folks
who like steak, salt and pepper is fine.
"
"""free the quarks!"" has a spirited sound,
for a loose one has never been found.
their freedom's exotic?
it's called asymptotic?
the closer, the less they are bound.
"
"my first glimpse of the soft metal frame
sealed my fate in the church window game.
though i don't attend mass,
i make brilliant stained glass.
first i saw, then i conquered the came.
"
"the spectroscopists didn't expect
the anomalous zeeman effect.
all the time they supposed
that their theories were closed,
there were moments one shouldn't neglect.
"
"our campouts are brief overnighters.
when butane escapes from our lighters,
its four-carbon chain
serves a crafty campaign:
we adore meeting manly fire-fighters.
"
"swiss pikemen would charge in a line,
and from basel, that squats o'er the rhine,
came the dagger employed
to dispatch the destroyed:
bitter baselard, bloody design.
"
"after einstein resolved to eschew
any quantum-entanglement view,
bell's theorem was proved
and our doubts were removed:
all the rules are up-ended anew.
"
"my teen thinks her spirit's repressed,
since i vetoed the way she was dressed.
she can call me uncool,
but will not wear to school
""cowboy butts drive me nuts"" on her breast.
"
"the catastrophists looked at the earth
through the genesis tale of its birth.
fossils stuck in the mud
were explained by the flood.
of such thinkers today, there's a dearth.
"
"in combat, when radar's bistatic,
it's stealthy, and therefore pragmatic.
when the transmitter's placed,
the receiver is spaced
far away; it's a coup technocratic.
"
"a water well simply won't flow
if an aquiclude's lying below.
insufficiently holey,
its role is quite lowly:
a region where water won't go.
"
"if the hocks of your horse get to swelling,
is lameness what swelling's foretelling?
if they're bog spavins, not ?
she'll recover her trot.
if they're bone spavins, think about selling.
"
"ask a scientist chap for a candle;
what he gives you is tricky to handle:
""let platinum freeze
at 2000 degrees....""
sure, it glows, but the cost is a scandal!
"
"if you pull the wrong ends of this knot,
it will capsize, and then what you've got
(though it used to be square)
is as flimsy as air.
was it mooring the bow of your yacht?
"
"are beamformers working with wood?
if you think so, you've misunderstood.
when antenna arrays
are combined using phase,
then their beam can be steered, as it should.
"
"yoda finds an alluvial fan:
from the canyonside, water once ran.
and when many fans merge,
call the apron-like verge
of deposits, bajada, he can.
"
"from cairngorm (""piled stones that are blue""),
comes the crystal that caps my skeann dhu.
it's a smoky brown quartz,
and from hikers' reports,
ruddy hills with a beautiful view.
"
"if a wind-up god gave us reality,
nothing remains but causality:
quanta that dance
in a tango with chance,
and philosophers probing mortality.
"
"da vinci, a movie, a quest:
with the bloodline of christ they're obsessed.
unlike dragons, st. michael'd,
this pulp gets recycled ?
a coded intelligence test.
"
"adding on is ok, but no frills!
(evolution lacks redesign skills.)
the law's biogenetic:
though purely cosmetic,
my embryo briefly wore gills.
"
"the spontaneous (out of some goo)
generation of life-forms like you
isn't biogenetic
or even aesthetic,
but questioning could be taboo.
"
"the blaauw mechanism can tell
how a binary's stars say farewell,
when their gravity's grip
comes to falter and slip
after one of them blows off a shell.
"
"a b-tree's a structure for data
where leaf nodes are all in a strata.
when push comes to shove,
every node that's above
is compelled to have children pro rata.
"
"when rodrigo the borgia barged in
and with bribery fashioned his win,
more than gluttonous pride
or a piece on the side,
his election was cardinal sin.
"
"when the skater named dorothy hamill
performed her eponymous camel
at innsbruck's olympics,
i grooved on the slim pix
that neiman had drawn in enamel.
"
"dense castable often is cast
where a bustle main carries the blast
in its hellish career
through each water-cooled tuy?re
to a bosh, where the iron flows fast.
"
"an anemochore values your sneeze:
tiny diaspores waft on the breeze,
and wherever wind's blowing
they land and start growing.
that's good (though my lawn disagrees).
"
"in muzak, the stones are recast
as recycled old rock from the past.
in breccia, the game
is precisely the same,
and each sharp jagged piece is a clast.
"
"when the airframe develops the shakes
from the buffeting turbulence makes,
every passenger there
prays the passenger's prayer:
""god, i hope there weren't any mistakes!""
"
"you complained of the cold. i said ""rough it!""
you dealt me a terrible buffet.
i don't understand
why you struck with your hand,
but the cops will be happy to cuff it.
"
"orcadian weather is plain:
if it's clear, then it's going to rain.
so a broch 'round the moon
that makes fishermen swoon
""oh, bad weather!"" is hard to explain.
"
"brahmagupta, the sage of ujjain,
had a penchant to learn and explain,
but he did it in verse,
which, to me, is a curse ?
making math even more of a pain.
"
"see asgard, the multiringed basin,
with walls never touched by a mason.
we're out of brochures,
but our jovian tours
of callisto fill quickly, so hasten!
"
"as a pacifist, i will resist
every ham-handed typesetter's fist.
list items, unnumbered,
remain unencumbered
by bullets. they shouldn't exist!
"
"while a beam splitter's cost can be dear,
what it's for isn't perfectly clear.
it provides a new path
using light-fingered math,
and you hope that it might interfere.
"
"what heron achieved seems absurd:
'twas a steam-powered warbling bird.
when they moved as with life
or played fiddle and fife,
what automata shouted was ""nerd!""
"
"to a bricklayer, making a cut
asks precision and craftsmanship. but...
if he carries his bolsters
in monogrammed holsters,
the other guys call him a nut.
"
"""it's amazing!"" he chewed some linguini,
and slurped on a morning martini.
""in the ring around saturn ?
an annular pattern.
a gap! or my name's not cassini!""
"
"for recruitment, i had to dragoon
motley soldiers to form my platoon.
it's a camelry force,
more effective than horse
when the battlefield's desert and dune.
"
"dwarf galaxies circle our own,
which, in cannibal fashion, has grown.
it's accustomed to feed
on the stars that they bleed.
will carina be eaten? unknown.
"
"a batten-seam hull has more weight,
but the stress it can carry is great.
such a lapping technique
makes for boats that don't leak,
and a lower mortality rate.
"
"on the mainsheet, i carefully socket
the battens, each one in its pocket,
to flatten the tail
(or the leach) of the sail,
so my sailboat will run like a rocket.
"
"ere its essence was labeled platonic,
.cinodehportsuob saw gnitirw keerg
archetypewriters learned
;denruter egairrac eht woh
ever since, we have been less laconic.
"
"john franklin was way beyond late.
in an effort to learn of his fate
the intrepid bellot
would face hunger and floe,
though his future involved a dire strait.
"
"the photons and gluons are kin:
all bosons have integer spin.
they think it's just great
to possess the same state,
since no pauli exclusion kicks in.
"
"where barnard oft viewed the black ocean
of space with a life-long devotion,
apace and afar
fleets his runaway star,
ruddy dwarf with a huge proper motion.
"
"here's a scheme of egyptian devising:
in four years, the heliacal rising
of sothis, they say,
would advance by a day.
'twas a doggone long way from reprising.
"
"there's a roundhouse, a tumbledown broch,
in the midst of what seems like a haugh.
so this meadow i pass ?
but it's reeds, and not grass!
now i'm over my head in a loch.
"
"just a list, in rote memory framed,
was a br?atharogam, that tamed
the irish mind, dinted
by kennings that hinted
at how ogham symbols were named.
"
"in the north, near the milky way via,
there's a region called  cassiopeia.
see a ""w"" there,
or a queen on a chair?
where'd she come from? i have no idea.
"
"alphonsus, hawaii-sized crater
just south of the lunar equator,
sports mountain and crack.
ranger 9 took a whack
and we haven't been back. maybe later?
"
"if you drink caustic soda, you'll cry.
but don't worry, you're not gonna die.
caustic potash as well
isn't fatal or fell.
it's the truth (all except for the lye).
"
"the string theory's extra dimensions
assail me with strong apprehensions,
but they all find a place
in calabi-yau space,
which is one of our weirdest inventions.
"
"in each binary meter we score
dual feet, weak or strong?nothing more.
trochaic feels bitchy.
iambic?more kitschy.
spondaic and pyrrhic make four.
"
"there's a chance that a seaworthy craft
can be turned to a splintery raft
by explosives on board,
so they're normally stored
in a dinghy a cable length aft.
"
"californium's radioactive,
a feature some see as attractive.
but it mostly decays
in a matter of days,
so it's lethal unless you're refractive.
"
"give a fission reactor a trial,
but pay heed to the temperature dial.
lest you meet with your gods,
use the cadmium rods.
spare the rods, and you'll ruin the pile.
"
"at the top of the furnace, the bell
will confine dirty gases and smell
so the neighbors don't cough.
they are piped and led off;
on gas, they are burning like hell.
"
"here's a bottomry bond; when you sign,
fill your holds with what's precious and fine.
if your argosy's lost,
then i'll swallow the cost.
don't repay, and your vessel is mine.
"
"nipping shoots to effect my designs,
i'm a landscaper, candling pines.
i don't care for the look
of god's coloring book
when he's drawing outside of the lines.
"
"simple elegance cues my reaction
to babinet's principle's action:
we see the same fringes
from light that impinges
on disks, or on holes, from diffraction.
"
"the rider nears timbers piled high.
will his mount clear the jump or be shy?
he urges his steed,
and they put on some speed?
o'er the first cavalletti they fly!
"
"the engraver, much skilled with the burin,
sold prints to the princes of turin.
when he proudly avowed
that he'd printed the shroud,
they provided a cell to abjure in.
"
"carthaginians' punic campaign
was a product of hannibal's brain.
he just didn't play nice:
he enveloped them twice,
and the romans at cannae were slain.
"
"in hawaii, a brief exegesis
on life and its roots was my thesis.
it brought me no joy
that my helping of poi
was a playground for biopoiesis.
"
"i've got marvelous music to play,
but i can't seem to find my buffet.
my poor clarinet waits
with the sterling and plates,
in a sideboard that's wandered away.
"
"on broadway, the lights hang from battens;
in bars, too much alcohol flattens.
in london, a bar
is where instruments are,
and a pub's where you look for manhattans.
"
"if the earth is denuded and scissored,
then a storm, like the wrath of a wizard,
blows the topsoil away,
making nighttime from day.
can we manage to stay the black blizzard?
"
"i use foot-candle measures for glows
in computing how long to expose,
then direct those candelas
with photo-umbrellas
from wicks on the ends of my toes.
"
"it's scruffy, he says, so the dope
won't use chafing gear made from old rope.
i'd guess baggywrinkle's name
could be partly to blame,
but a sail's not protected by hope.
"
"if i'm searching breadth-first, i surmise
i'll accomplish what logic defies.
""do you know him?"" i'll ask.
""pass it on, then,"" i'll task.
we'll find jesus in only six tries.
"
"at the gulf, we went camping with naught
but some rice and a seine that we brought.
""jambalaya!"" we laughed,
and enjoyed a warm draught
with the shrimp and blue crabs that we caught.
"
"i furnish a vital supply line
to construction crews raising the skyline:
croissants and concrete,
since a worker must eat
(though the baking is merely a byline).
"
"pieced together from fossil remains,
the geologists' theory explains	
(in a permian sea
near pangaea-to-be)
how cathaysia was formed from terranes.
"
"where there's first, skin is tender and red,
and where second, the blisters will spread,
but a third-degree burn
causes fear and concern:
you are charred, and a part of you's dead.
"
"on a cambrian-era vacation,
biologists skip recreation.
they're earning their spurs
when explosion occurs
and all phyla commence radiation.
"
"the projector came on, and i cursed.
what i'd edited, culled, and rehearsed
with the slide carousel
was a circle of hell:
every picture was flipped and reversed!
"
"you're like skeeters that greedily sup,
or the roach i find draining my cup.
my calm would be helped
if your mom hadn't whelped.
""you bug me"" about sums it up.
"
"my sewers are clogging in plano,
and lava works better than drano.
a steaming caldera
might bring a new era.
i'd welcome a little volcano.
"
"back-forecasting's useful to vet
all our climate predictions. we bet
if old data explain
who got more or less rain,
then our models aren't somehow all wet.
"
"search for asteroids? ceres began it.
i feel ardor for more, and she'll fan it.
there's a ball in the night
looking very snow white,
which is right: she's the nearest dwarf planet.
"
"he was broke, but would later repent.
to the store with a penny he went.
he bought candy from hell
with a cinnamon smell,
and he choked on his very last cent.
"
"like the seldom-seen creature of fable,
the centaur is ready and able
to gallop past zeus's
great gravity-nooses,
and seldom approaches the stable.
"
"when crassus went searching for glory,
he starred in a tragic short story.
after parthian battle
at carrhae, like cattle,
his legions lay butchered and gory.
"
"first, the parthian arrows, like sleet,
pierced their shields, and their armor, and feet.
then the cataphract ranks
like unstoppable tanks
turned those romans to shish kebab meat.
"
"what's this business of father and son?
god's triune? binitarian? one?
if a tree grows a leaf
for each form of belief,
with these three, it has barely begun.
"
"canvas screens shed a buttery light
on the architects learning with wright.
it was more than just show:
there's a deep, inner glow
taliesin was meant to ignite.
"
"you're officious; of that, there's no doubt ?
an insensitive, meddlesome lout.
it's my business alone.
hey, jerk! mind your own!
buttinsky, you'd better butt out!
"
"making calamine brass for spittoons,
the medievals bought ore from walloons.
cementation with copper
today is improper.
back then it made belgian tycoons.
"
"astronomical units, i shun
(there is one between earth and the sun).
they're too simple to use;
i prefer to confuse:
""mega-furlongs"" to me is more fun.
"
"a woman's soft curves, i am beckoned with,
and by fissures, arousing and fecund with.
cerebellum meets pons
in brunettes and in blondes;
in this angle, there's much to be reckoned with.
"
"if wichita falls, like old thera,
exploded, and formed a caldera,
then condos anew
with a lava-lake view
would debut at the ""red riviera"".
"
"the risk to your health is appalling:
in winter, your horse could be falling.
some calks may suffice
if there's slippery ice,
but they won't help his frogs when they're balling.
"
"methanogens' musical arts
via acetoclastis, play parts
using basso-phenomenal
extra-abdominal
human and ruminant farts.
"
"we had passion for celluloid stuff,
but such fashion we'd later rebuff.
it performed pretty well
faking ivory or shell,
with a camphor smell, strangely enough.
"
"in history, bamberg was bright:
it's where hoffmann and hegel would write.
but its namesake in space
wears an asteroid's face,
and it swallows most incoming light.
"
"bolometric rou?s get the hots
putting stars into magnitude plots.
tell me: what could be duller
(omitting no color)
than trying to integrate watts?
"
"thanks to cellulose greening the plains,
we have wheaties, and burgers, and trains.
for your blue cotton pants,
thank the polymer plants
that make long polysaccharide chains.
"
"this caffeinism's normal for me:
i can't sleep or sit still, and i pee.
though my heart beats too fast,
when these tremors have passed,
i will have an espresso, or three.
"
"turn the stop-cock; a straight fluid jet
shoots below from the pyrex burette.
my precision libations
are much like titrations:
martinis should never be ""wet""!
"
"when lava flows runny and slow-y,
it cools to smooth pahoehoe.	
if the strain rate is high
other forces apply,
and the aa forms, rubbly, not showy.
"
"in most labor strikes, nobody panics,
but in this one, i'm gobbling xanax.
even newton can't say
where our planet might stray
with no working celestial mechanics.
"
"ere aeneas was ever alive
there were trojans encamped at l5,
but the greeks at l4,
who are sailing to war
with achilles, will never arrive.
"
"a collapsar's a gravity whisk;
on approaching, you run a great risk
that your atoms will flow
in a gamma-ray glow
and accrete in a spiraling disk.
"
"the faithful rendition depicts
a reversal, with colorful tricks;
when development halts,
disappearing assaults
give a negative, tendered by blix.
"
"in this drawing i made of our sister,
the ink and its color are bistre,
transparent and brown
from her eyes to her gown,
with a stain where the artisan kissed her.
"
"with this ink, all the marks you have made
will not yellow, and never will fade.
though its brown is just soot,
bister stays where it's put.
as a wash, you can alter your shade.
"
"the colorless cetane is found
in petroleum, deep in the ground.
from its rating one learns
how a diesel fuel burns
in compression and pistons rebound.
"
"with no tricksy dispersal at all,
an atelechore fails to enthrall,
though it meets the demands
of simplicity's fans:
all its seeds simply grow where they fall.
"
"when stars have exhausted their fuel,
they'll explode, or just sit there and cool.
it takes billions of years,
but degenerate spheres,
the black dwarfs, cannot covet a joule.
"
"with the pitiless gaze of a hawk,
in a pit, archaeologists stalk.
for the bits of the mole,
stratigraphic control
is the role of the sides of the baulk.
"
"this regatta has been a mistake;
i watch loons play at making a wake.
something teases my sail,
but it's not a fresh gale ?
just a cat's paw that ruffles the lake.
"
"if your omelet has feathers and legs,
there are pertinent questions it begs,
which are: whose was the cock-up
that let a cock knock up
the hens, and who candles the eggs?
"
"faulty autacoids destine a critter
to life as the runt of its litter.
darwinian theory
has never been cheery.
it's bitter when others are fitter.
"
"one general signals ""attack"",
and another one sends you ""fall back!""
learning now, and not later
which one was a traitor,
is a byzantine general's knack.
"
"the m.i.t. students' class rings
are some boxy, inelegant things.
those who earn the brass rat
(which is golden and fat)
will be valued at kilo-ka-chings.
"
"when we run out of acres down here,
we might move to a big bernal sphere.
it's a pretty huge place,
and there's oodles of space
out in space (at least that's what i hear).
"
"you really are snake-in-the-grass-ing ?
it's optical junk that you're passing!
your sin is omission.
this camera's condition
is worn, and with obvious brassing.
"
"inflammable air, and earth's mass,
and the laws of electrons, alas,
henry cavendish learns,
but no credit he earns.
does it bother him? naw, it's a gas!
"
"from the hadley cell's tropical roller
to the cell that is known as ""the polar"",
these giant conveyors
move atmosphere layers
with power eternally solar.
"
"in this spreadsheet, row 12, column c
holds the tax that i'll owe in q3,
and that hideous cell
has the nerve to foretell
all i own, i will sell to stay free.
"
"whether photovoltaic, or fuel,
or galvanic, they follow a rule:
the potential that dwells
within each of these cells
is to furnish a man with a joule.
"
"i am baffled; just how should i pay
for the bohrium bought here today?
in a tenth of a second,
full half of what's reckoned
is lost to atomic decay!
"
"a collider is built to bombard
tiny targets with particles, hard,
and the energy's high
when the physicists vie
for its use, since the losers are scarred.
"
"i watch parasite worms (i'm a kook),
though it might make a lesser man puke.
when a trematode boasts
of his vertebrate hosts,
it's an aspidogastrean fluke.
"
"with the aperture-synthesis trick,
saving millions of dollars is slick.
by astronomers' art,
smaller scopes, far apart,
form a huge one that's sharp, if not quick.
"
"disagree if you like; i'll contend
that a bat is the bricklayer's friend.
though it's handy to throw,
if you did, it would show,
for the bond would have gaps at the end.
"
"with a glimmer of faith he has flirted,
hates dogma that's crudely asserted.
an astronomer knows
that the faintest of glows
can't be seen unless vision's averted.
"
"with a bore much like that of a flute,
can your arteries whistle or toot?
though it rarely appeals,
auscultation reveals
that obstruction produces a bruit.
"
"a line that is fastened is bent;
by this nautical jargon is meant
that a sheet's bitter end
forms a sweet becket bend
with a becket in tacit consent.
"
"was the slav's glagolitic so kooky,
acrophonically named from az, buki?
you should learn from your betters
when naming your letters:
what comes after ""r"" should be spooky.
"
"max planck only seemed to be close;
understanding of photons was gross.
there's a secret they keep?
it's a true quantum leap
first achieved by satyendra nath bose.
"
"astronomers, wanting to see,
measure stars through a filter named v?
also b, teamed with u,
where the b stands for blue;
in their differences, color is key.
"
"to enjoy a deserved manumission
(an electron's eternal ambition),
via photon cuisines
or through violent means,
it must try for a bound-free transition.
"
"with each rad of the sun's emanation,
you're sad, on an orbital station.
your humor may glow,
but it only brings woe,
for cerenkov is blue radiation.
"
"though a gift is a form of endearment,
last birthday, she gave me a cerement.
some b.o. is allowed
for a guy in a shroud,
so she threw in a package of spearmint.
"
"when an aspidogastrean worm
grabs a hold of your tissues (don't squirm!),
on its tummy, baer's disc
holds you fast. you can't whisk
it away, til its eggs come to term.
"
"when it's nitrated, cellulose changes
to cotton for gunnery ranges.
but backers are lacking
for movie-film backing,
since violent combustion estranges.
"
"to the housewife, it didn't sound right;
just the thought of it gave her a fright.
her chorion sink
(we might need to re-think)
was a color called ""spider's-egg white"".
"
"it's just fact, so there isn't a moral.
in the pollen from hawkweed (it's floral),
ectoaperture's bridge
is a sexinous ridge,
so the lophate lacuna's abporal.
"
"'twas a curious form of hypocrisy
to pretend that we practiced democracy.
at congressional heights,
one would find only whites?
in the pale (mostly male) chromatocracy.
"
"to a jungian, spirit is chthonic:
it's natural, vital, and tonic.
but this force deep inside
has a shadowy side,
and an urge to destroy that's demonic.
"
"a degenerate failure surprise,
chandrasekhar was first to surmise
that collapse happens fast
when a limit's surpassed:
a white dwarf has a maximum size.
"
"there's a centaur who answers to chiron,
more wild and eccentric than byron.
he'll careen without pattern,
way out beyond saturn,
and answer the call of the siren.
"
"why is chara a joy to behold?
she's an analog sun, we are told.
with venatici's hounds,
we believe we have grounds
to track planets for man to enfold.
"
"chytridiomycosis kills toads,
and the frog population implodes.
the die-off's humungous,
all caused by a fungus,
inspiring batrachian odes.
"
"in digesting dead chitin in bogs,
or by killing off legions of frogs,
what the chytrids have got
in a zoospore pot
isn't likely to go to the dogs.
"
"while carbon is handy for dating,
the answers add fuel to debating,
for skeptics make merry
when isotopes vary
for any cause other than waiting.
"
"we let amplitude show saturation,
change phase for a hue variation,
and it poses no threat
to the black-and-white set
that there's chrominance? true innovation.
"
"every closed, time-like curve we surmise in
a region implies a horizon.
though chronology's torn
when you transit that bourne,
if you ponder too long, you will wizen.
"
"like a mystery, tough to unveil,
every ch star's bands tell a tale.
it's beginning to croak,
full of second-hand smoke
from a partner who's shrunken and pale.
"
"i love fun, but my manner is mildish.
you are petulant, so oscar wilde-ish.
you will play the curmudge?
i'll be playful. they'll judge
that i'm childlike, while you are just childish.
"
"a repast while we're sailing gets sloppy
when winds or the water are choppy.
up and down is my hunch
i'll be losing my lunch
while the sail flips from straining to floppy.
"
"the astronomers fight to descry
through the fog of the infrared sky.
by subtracting the noise,
the observer enjoys
(via chopping) a virtual high.
"
"i once saw a cliff in a park
of obsidian, glassy and dark.
its apache-shed tears
were the best souvenirs.
""don't take them!"" the rangers would bark.
"
"as a stag shows his antlers while strutting,
so the stamen holds anthers out-jutting.
when there's pollen to blow
a sweet stigma's the go
like a buck needs a doe during rutting.
"
"do arterial noises beguile?
what they're caused by can kill any smile,
and my doc won't say whether
a bruit ""like new leather""
means both of us going in style.
"
"you've got red that won't focus with blue?
your opticians don't know what to do?
though your view may be duller
with axial color,
the future looks bright when you sue.
"
"""slow to bolt"" reads the packet. indeed!
have you ever seen celery at speed?
but the meaning is plain:
though some time may remain,
we're eventually going to seed.
"
"when the christmas tree's up, we're excited
by our visions of santa, alighted.
in the oil patch, its role
is to cover a hole
so that gifts don't arrive uninvited.
"
"when i view the creation, i'm humbled,
but a chaos looks broken and jumbled.
did he outsource the moons
to angelic buffoons
who distorted his orders and stumbled?
"
"young henry's a double-e bloke,
and his circuits aren't likely to smoke.
he'll be doing just fine
despite spikes on the line,
'cause he always remembers the choke.
"
"last night, growing weary and sleepy,
i chanced to look up at praesepe.
though the cradle's a cluster
with ancient greek luster,
a beehive with cancer is creepy.
"
"ancient greeks had a legend of gold,
but the viking that landed there told
how no moisture remains
on the low lava plains,
and that chryse planitia is cold.
"
"do our rulers have ethical health?
no, they're mostly old geezers with wealth.
was chrysocracy bred
in democracy's bed?
were we sleeping? or did they use stealth?
"
"after dawn, i see daisies unfold,
and the dew that the buttercups hold.
it's the work of an hour
to make my love's bower
chrysanthous, with flowers of gold.
"
"an engraver drew gowns with his burin
for beauties to flash their allure in.
but instead of chiffon,
mothers made them with lawn,
which their daughters looked safely demure in.
"
"we've adopted a cat who's a cadger,
and brockfaced (with stripes like a badger).
she will tangle my yarn,
then stalk owls in the barn.
if she gets one, i'm naming her padger.
"
"auxochromic effects are dramatic
on the color of rings aromatic:
the wavelength grows longer,
absorption is stronger,
and dyers are rendered ecstatic.
"
"add a bonding affinity group
to the chromogen-chromophore soup,
and the stuff you have dyed
will resist even tide.
tell the world! it's an auxochrome scoop.
"
"when the chromophore sticks to its side,
then its energy levels will slide.
to the red, this will slew
its invisible hue;
we'll be saying the chromogen dyed.
"
"from your pattern of speech, i'd have guessed
that you hail from the upper midwest.
you ask for a bubbler
when thirst is a troubler,
though kohler's long gone to his rest.
"
"each computer, in theory, is suitable
to attack any problem computable.
this thesis (church-turing),
unproven, alluring,
remains, as we speak, irrefutable.
"
"a cellular automaton's rife
with potential to generate strife.
we have heated debates:
can a matrix of states
really simulate physics, or life?
"
"with born's postulate, chance is ensnared,
so i've gathered your amplitude, squared,
in a quantum embrace
over all hilbert space,
and you wouldn't be here if i'd erred!
"
"brown dwarfs have no bigots to blame
when a color bar darkens their name.
with stardom delusion,
too puny for fusion,
they're blocked at the entrance to fame.
"
"in sci-fi, ron hubbard once wallowed,
and he wondered how much could be swallowed.
earn more than a smidgen:
invent a religion!
his church ? scientology ? followed.
"
"out in space, there's a vast potpourri,
widely varying cosmic debris,
in which chondrules are pocks
in the stony space-rocks,
and achondrites remain chondrule-free.
"
"though it's heavy, and yellow, and cool,
there's no riches 'round here, as a rule.
i don't mean to be mean,
but the streak is dark green:
chalcopyrite is gold for a fool.
"
"when the red light of hydrogen slips
past the moon in a solar eclipse,
it's the chromosphere shell,
where the photosphere's hell
and corona are coming to grips.
"
"here's a flake that's been struck from a core.
can i learn a lot more from flint lore?
was the flintknapper russian?
the bulb of percussion
says ""hard hammer-strike,"" nothing more.
"
"a quantum of sound is a phonon,
of time (if it's quantized), a chronon,
and modern-day humor
is feeding the rumor
that jokes can be weighed by the groan-on.
"
"in the woods between taiga and steppe,
where chuvashia has a great rep,
i was schlepped down the volga
by shura and olga,
whose english consisted of ""yep!""
"
"that we'll finish on time seems remote,
but the painters are waiting to coat,
and we're racing the clocks
with a banjo and box,
as the drywallers tape and then float.
"
"engineers of the chemical stripe
are at times somewhat guilty of hype:
""with reactions in ranks
through a series of tanks,
we make  from tripe!""
"
"when, at lunch, i impressively farted,
the womenfolk quickly departed,
but dad wasn't riled.
he just looked up and smiled:
""more choke, and i think you'd have started.""
"
"every currency taking the lead
from the dollar, by gold guaranteed,
bretton woods by report
was the long last resort
wherein nations united agreed.
"
"in descriptions of orbits generic,
""apoapsis"" sounds too esoteric.
to advise, ""fly this high
or you'll crash, burn, and die!""
means the same, but makes crewmen hysteric.
"
"mussolini expected no scrape;
his affairs weren't exactly in shape.
his palladian home
on the outskirts of rome
lacked a bolt-hole. (he didn't escape.)
"
"we saw pumpkins, i seem to remember,
till thanksgiving was through; that's december.
christmas creep's not the grinch,
or my wasteline's new pinch:
now the holidays start in september.
"
"many renaissance scholars' designs
married puzzles with houses and signs.
very much in that norm,
in a chronogram form
i encode this year's date in these lines.
"
"a christmas tree's never more fun
than when racers are eager to run.
it's a quarter-mile drag,
and instead of a flag,
tiers of lights start the cars like a gun.
"
"a paranoid hooligan mugged me ?
with a mike and transmitter, he bugged me.
who was solving the crime?
he would hear it in time
to escape. then the nurses unplugged me.
"
"draw the bolt back and chamber a round;
it's a soulless and sinister sound.
as morant's carbineer,
though the cost will be dear,
you keep on till each boer has been downed.
"
"the professor succeeded in teaching
that the antics of whales are far-reaching.
he was put to the test
when he showed how it's best
not to rest where a humpback is breaching.
"
"justice holmes, as a pragmatist, knew
that the laws we can count on are few.
that the universe lets
us get by with some bets
was his bettabilitarian view.
"
"from a bachelor's slovenly pad
you can guess at the fun that he's had.
in the same way, formations'
absorbed radiations
might tell you a galaxy's bad.
"
"the professor was sadly befuddled?
the equations he chalked, badly muddled.
""what should i have said?
well, it's homework instead!""
it was over our heads, so we huddled.
"
"i swear that your treason will cease;
if i must, then your soul i'll release.
although cato's a wraith,
carthaginian faith
always finds carthaginian peace.
"
"after staring at stars for a bit,
i sadly was forced to admit
i could not find it comic,
the chance astronomic
against other worlds with some wit.
"
"on a slow boat to china we dallied;
i asked why your face looked so pallid.
you replied, ""it's so far,
yet the rising red star
is alarming."" how prescient and valid!
"
"did bezold and br?cke get miffed,
sharing credit for finding their shift?
orange brilliance had fled
and these germans saw red.
and their genius? accepting the gift.
"
"bid your cgs units good-bye!
they're old hat, and replaced by si.
but to fully clean house
of the ergs, dynes, and gauss,
we must wait till old physicists die.
"
"i asked a physician named dabney
if he'd shed some more light on my scabbed knee,
but he warned ""if i do,
you will both look more blue,
thanks to william de wiveleslie abney.""
"
"i went looking for girls at the dance,
with a song in my heart, and romance ?
but they all turned me down.
i'm a study in brown,
like the hue of my camel tweed pants.
"
"the old royal purple was made
from whelks that were parboiled and flayed.
in victoria's mind,
the new aniline kind
known as mauve was a marvellous shade.
"
"every colorless chromogen waits
with electron p-orbital states,
its transitions from pi
all unseen by the eye,
til a chromophore shows up and mates.
"
"when an auxochrome comes with a gift
as a bathochrome, color can shift
from the ghostly uv
to a hue you can see.
why is mauve always given short shrift?
"
"when light from a circle's reflected
and shapes that it makes are inspected,
i infer from the parts
shaped like kidneys or hearts,
catacaustics are angels, dissected.
"
"shining symmetry boosts the appeal
of a rose-window catherine wheel.
but its radial spokes
speak to erudite folks
of the saint, and the price of her zeal.
"
"pyrotechnically spinning appeal
makes the crowd love a catherine wheel,
and they'll laugh and they'll choke
in the spark-trails and smoke,
while the kids run in circles and squeal.
"
"it's been said gothic builders were crude,
since the classical forms they eschewed.
but bar tracery's art
let the masonry part
to shed glorious light on the rood.
"
"a watchmaker looks for a token
of delicate movements he's woken.
it's a curious trade?
tiny gears are inlaid,
but because they're still fixed, they are broken.
"
"there's no sound of propellor or screws
to give enemy listeners clues,
so our sub can arrive
using caterpillar drive
unexpectedly, bearing bad news.
"
"he won't hunker and wait for some cats.
he has barnburner passion, and that's
to face ruin for now
(it's a risk he'll allow)
for the chance to be rid of the rats.
"
"biogenic petroleum rules
in our best geological schools.
did the methane from space
in our earth find a place,
or are abiogenicists...fools?
"
"i'm so smart, that it's hard not to gloat.
in the harbor, there, notice that boat?
just call me clairvoyant;
since metal's not buoyant,
and that one is steel, it won't float.
"
"at the start, the astronomer royal
was accustomed to arduous toil.
now longitude's solved
and the post has devolved
to cachet for the learned and loyal.
"
"i'd explain how a star made ""the ant""
with its multipole lobes, but i can't!
and the chakram's a riddle
(that ring 'round the middle).
""my models are failing!"" i rant.
"
"to yeats, it seems love was bipolar.
catch a girl? you can't keep or control her.
and what ends your pursuits?
selenitical fruits
and the trees chrysocarpous and solar.
"
"using overlap hybridization,
i've got clones busy mapping creation.
though this chromosome walking
gets neighbors to talking,
for some it might lead to salvation.
"
"as a glittering filigree traces
a network in chromosphere spaces,
magnetic field bottles
draw bright and dark mottles
on cellular photosphere faces.
"
"when the coffee sacks leak after lading
and beans out of rips are cascading,
from the pocketed hold
to the dockers are doled
floppy cargo slacks ready for trading.
"
"in newfoundland, hot winter cheer
begins with the local spruce beer.
molasses and rum
make it sweet; when you're numb,
callibogus helps warmth reappear.
"
"jason's ship, partly built by athena,
argo navis would haunt the marina.
now it hovers in pieces
like glittering fleeces:
the sail, and the poop, and carina.
"
"""it is bombic!""  a chemist of fame
gave the silkwormy acid its name,
and it held more romance
than the formic, ""from ants"",
but today they are one and the same.
"
"when cercariae go to the gym
(they are trematode larvae), they swim.
they are parasites, too,
so their pool has a view
of your liver and bladder (it's grim).
"
"after pressure (a kind of a stress),
i can't help it: i must decompress.
as i heed the stress tensor,
when pressed, i grow denser
(with larger bulk modulus, less).
"
"the symbols designed by christoffel
are tricks to make math less godawful.
though the shorthand's berserk,
it helps indices work
to stay relativistically lawful.
"
"on a glacier, the line of the firn
is a subtle locale to discern.
it's where alimentation
succumbs to ablation ?
a balance where futures may turn.
"
"while blake saw the world in a flower,
in knowledge, today, we see power.
with minimal fuss,
both arrive on a bus,
but the drivers can tend to be sour.
"
"i'm a chemical sadist. that's why
i'm immune to that digital high.
chromogenic emulsion
can slake my compulsion
as molecules curl up and dye.
"
"although species are wasted and blasted,
endosymbionts somehow have lasted.
seeing vastness of time
in the chloroplast's climb,
i eat salad, and always get plastid.
"
"that six quarks play a color-charge game
affords chromodynamics its name.
when the universe wields
non-abelian fields,
the strong force corrals quarks in a frame.
"
"""please save us!"" the sisters were cryin'
to zeus, as they fled from orion.
in the sky, they were tossed,
but celaeno was lost:
""this catasterism's awfully like dyin'!""
"
"at school i asked, ""why is grass green?
and 'chlorophyll' 's not what i mean!""
did my questing meet gratitude?
""failed for bad attitude.""
dissing first-graders takes spleen!
"
"hung all over with glittering riders,
with presents for lobby insiders,
a christmas tree bill
up on capitol hill
can link soybeans with supercolliders.
"
"dinoflagellates bloom in the sea,
and the water turns red as can be.
though ceratium's not toxic,
a die-off's anoxic,
and fishkills leave rotting debris.
"
"diacaustics are making me drool;
i am floating face-down in my pool.
i am limned in bright lines,
making dancing designs,
and my shadow is totally cool!
"
"it's not that without me he blows;
i've been trying to capture my nose.
just google on gogol ?
my mad to-and-fro' goal:
to follow wherever he goes.
"
"there's a rope from a spike in the ice
to a bell-ringing trigger device.
when the breakup begins,
then the closest bet wins.
use a river for gambling? no dice!
"
"they recruited me into a cell;
keeping secrets is what we do well.
there are known to my eyes
only two other guys.
if i'm captured, that's all i can tell.
"
"a yellow cross sewn on their clothing
will mark them for shunning and loathing.
after catholics flamb?
all the cathar parfaits,
the lay folk will practice the woe thing.
"
"if the knappers of sussex were lax,
would we fall to old boney's attacks?
every barrel and stock
has a lock at half-cock
in a war without fine brandon blacks.
"
"in the cattywhompus house that i built,
a mad architect's marbles were spilt.
it was based on the bevel
instead of the level ?
chaotic and skewed, with a tilt.
"
"my zymurgy class is reviewing
how yeast is fermenting and stewing,
and one thing is clear:
be it mead, wine, or beer,
this chemistry's all about brewing!
"
"my bunny is broken; i know.
the mother was white, but that doe
had promiscuous habits
with alien rabbits.
her blue-brindled kit, i can't show.
"
"asa dulcis is sweet to the nose,
and that's where it typically goes.
brown tears for perfume
that can incense a room,
in a jar, will grow benzoin's rose.
"
"going in, they were fearful and quavery.
if they fled, we accused them of knavery.
if by chance they survived,
those who sent them arrived
(with reporters) to cite them for bravery.
"
"the blogs from the young digerati
are shallow, unfocused, and plotty.
this new form of writing
will not be inviting
the while it lacks import and body.
"
"i was lost, and i felt like a dope;
asked a bangorite, reaching for hope,
if he might make more clear
how to get there from here.
his reply, a brachylogy: ""nope.""
"
"fundamentalist islamic bodies
at times follow self-proclaimed mahdis.
unitarian zeal
wielding scimitar steel
ruled the maghreb with real almohades.
"
"in the odyssey, told by a yachtie,
the cyclops appears a bit snotty:
""in my coffee, i use
only ithacan crews
for their mouthfeel, aroma, and body.""
"
"your case for a murder is shoddy,
your body of evidence?spotty.
though it's perfectly clear
he's been missing a year,
there's no evidence here of a body.
"
"in my house's cavernulous spaces,
there are wee cavernicolous races
who send carpenter ants
to prepare in advance
for expanse into new dwelling-places.
"
"our states shouldn't tolerate slavery;
passive resistance is bravery.
only satan's foul minions
hold other opinions.
abolitionists rail at the knavery!
"
"the radar designers transcended
their art in a manner most splendid.
from transmitter to target
to us, in their argot,
bistatic (the angle subtended).
"
"view the southerly heavens with care;
you'll find norma and circinus there.
seems like heavenly fools
have abandoned their tools?
they're the architect's compass and square.
"
"in the cold, when i start her, she's balking,
and her paint, once so shiny, is chalking.
she has had a hard life,
and she bothers my wife,
but a beater will always beat walking.
"
"my ship, the quijote, can smash
through the bay ice, and turn it to brash,
and i challenge great floes,
ever heedless of those
who protest that such tilting is rash.
"
"an astronomer living in neenah,
attempting a view of carina,
climbed butte des morts mound,
hoping stars could be found
from the shoulders of buried adena.
"
"yellow hollandaise sauce, an emulsion,
if it breaks, will elicit revulsion
(there's a layer of fat ?
only fools would eat that!)
and from cordon bleu college, expulsion.
"
"once cerberus, dog with six eyes,
was a three-headed shape in the skies,
but hevelius' plan
was the work of one man,
and other men love to revise.
"
"time for zone-system thinking? i lack it ?
for my news photos, planning won't hack it.
if they're badly exposed,
my career will be hosed,
so i take my best guess and then bracket.
"
"with battens, a sailor curtails
saggy leaches of fore-and-aft sails.
the crux of the matter:
just making them flatter
works better in zephyrs and gales.
"
"where do old ignoramuses go?
one is host of a trivia show,
where he's quick to denounce
what he cannot pronounce.
i was camussed: unjustly laid low.
"
"though a craftsman can easily botch
tiny works when constructing a watch,
biogenesis makes
(without any mistakes)
the malt sugar in barley for scotch.
"
"aeneas encountered a harpy,
celaeno, the swarthy and carpy.
what she augured in rhyme
was unfettered by time,
so he scribbled her words with a sharpie.
"
"are your gilts badly swollen with garget?
are the conchs on the rock hooking margate?
from sick pigs to grey fish,
my chimerical wish
is to master all manner of argot.
"
"to accuse him of chewing the scenery
would be taken by most as demeanery.
jim carrey is frank
all the way to the bank:
overacting's his ticket to greenery.
"
"linus pauling was pulling his hair;
mother nature just doesn't play fair.
in a three-carbon ring,
the banana bond thing
makes the angles much closer to square.
"
"not like music, so much as wild battles,
with horns, clanging cow-bells, and rattles,
callithumpian bands
answer festive demands
with chaotic confusions and caddles.
"
"an astronomer, one william herschel,
once published a comet commercial.
that his comet had ""hair"",
a chevelure, very fair,
was exciting, though noncontroversial.
"
"if celestial longitude's cryptic
(it's measured along the ecliptic),
use latitude too;
these coordinates (two)
are sufficient, though rather elliptic.
"
"""for a penny"" (with boyish appeal)
""i will turn you a catherine wheel....""
and it made me less vexed
that i'd pay for his next,
or might witness his previous, meal.
"
"in my brain, an acoustic neuroma
(a vestibular type of schwannoma)
has stolen my hearing.
so why am i cheering?
it isn't an astrocytoma!
"
"in the android's impregnable cranium
of duralloy mixed with titanium,
the actinium chain
fuels his positron brain
using anti-actinouranium.
"
"a cloud subtly brighter below
is a signpost for those in the know.
if you're lost in the drink,
steer your bow to the blink
and a shoreline that's glowing with snow.
"
"with our interests abroad and domestic,
our nation is growing amnestic.
we forget who we are,
and each stripe and each star
says we're far from what once was majestic.
"
"his statue was far from majestic;
both he and his horse looked transvestic.
it was crude and unpolished,
so now it's demolished.
aggressively smite the agrestic!
"
"we were bowyers at agincourt's field,
english yew as our weapon and shield.
though the shafts we let fly
filled and darkened the sky,
by the mud was french destiny sealed.
"
"a circumspect new-planet smeller
indirectly detects, like old yeller,
getting wind of a mass
or a disk full of gas?
circumstantial, but still circumstellar.
"
"a hot summer day has two highlights,
which for me are the two civil twilights.
six degrees' separation
from sunlight sensation
brings comfort, according to my lights.
"
"there's a belt that's not offered in bars,
which for me, eases memory's scars.
i know all will be right
when i drink in the sight
of the night, with her cincture of stars.
"
"i should sail, but i strain every hour
'gainst an anchor of maximum power.
you were sweetly impressed
when i said, ""you're the best...""
though my meaning was, ""you're the best bower.""
"
"there are caustics that capture my gaze,
shining envelopes made up of rays
where the sun was deflected
by ripples, connected
in dancing and myriad ways.
"
"giving clues at pronouncing is nice,
and they needn't be super-precise.
even ""ayn-shent ee-jip-shehn"",
in our broad transcription,
you'd speak without further advice.
"
"big brother's the face of the state;
he is watching you, planning your fate.
though he'd claim to befriend you,
for thoughtcrime he'll end you:
you've finally learned how to hate.
"
"""i've seen jungles and deserts,"" he boasts.
""here's to uncharted places!"" he toasts.		
but no survey or chart
seeking africa's heart	
finds the bush that's the home of the ghosts.
"
"up till now, every one of my progeny
owes his life to the normal biogeny.
the thing in my lab
that i built on a slab
(had it lived) wouldn't share their phylogeny.
"
"a cassegrain gives a glad eye
to an amateur wanting to buy:
when the mirror is holed
so the light-path can fold,
then the eye-piece will not be too high.
"
"there's a dwarf and a geezer that spar,
each a very close binary star.
when the dwarf steals the covers,
these quarrelsome lovers
blow up, and it's seen from afar.
"
"the camera, a sensitive tool,
needs a delicate touch, as a rule.
dust particles, pinched
in a spool that's been cinched,
scribe the marks of a ham-handed fool.
"
"near marfa, strange lights were a thrill,
under dark, teeming heavens, until
my unpopular thesis
(it's autokinesis)
earned frowns, and a palpable chill.
"
"the flamboyantly soused cicerone
guides tours while he slurps a negroni.
""the river dordogne,
she flows through bologna....""
""no way!"" i said, ""that's just baloney!""
"
"at the pole, all the stars circle round;
not a one of them dives underground.
but in ecuador's sky
(if you ask, i'll say why),
circumpolar stars cannot be found.
"
"the chilympiad's what i do best:
haba?eros add sizzling zest,
jalape?os defeat
any mystery meat,
and my showmanship earns an arrest!
"
"that your body's misfortunes are rife
can compel you to gamble your life.
they can cut out your tumors
or let your bad humors:
chirurgeons are skilled with a knife.
"
"at the auto concours d'?l?gance,
french egos are swelled for the nonce.
but the yanks, if you please,
just parade suvs,
in a gas-guzzling, gutsy response.
"
"as a helpmate can hearten a bearer,
and as sharing enriches the sharer,
though our time waxes late,
if thou'lt be my comate,
every date after this shall seem fairer.
"
"lying torpid for months seems aberrant
but won't worry a boa's proud parent.
to his kin it is clear?
if he swallows a deer,
then such comatoseness is inherent.
"
"my disease isn't rare or exotic.
when i catch it, it's not episodic,
but my eyeballs turn blue,
and then fifi's do too,
so the virus is anthrozoonotic.
"
"""go observe,"" (my instructions weren't callous)
""in corona"" (i meant borealis.)
""see the wonderful r!""
(but the sly fade-out star
was so faint, you accused me of malice.)
"
"in our cells, dna's information
can't make proteins without mediation
by mrna.
but prokaryotes' way?
co-transcriptional codon translation!
"
"it's a compliment?! such allegations
might trigger confused protestations:
""if she's built like a brick
outhouse, she must be thick,
and use cinder block stacks for foundations.""
"
"staggered conjugate bonds seem erratic,
but since learning this rule, i'm ecstatic!
it's a simple no-brainer:
with 4n and planar,
a molecule's antiaromatic.
"
"what do thymine and adenine dare,
that the guanine and cytosine share?
they reach out and join hands
between dna strands,
thus becoming a single base pair.
"
"there's a gizmo they call a collider,
with congressmen smashing inside 'er.
tiny particle beams
threaten tax-cutters' dreams,
and its budget won't fit in a rider.
"
"an imperative (kind of a law)
categorical (tough to withdraw)
gives the moral appraiser
an ethical razor?
a deontological saw.
"
"in vienna, midst three million dead,
there's a bust of a scientist's head,
and above it is graved
what he most wanted saved:
not a verse ? an equation instead!
"
"the neptunian arago ring,
an ephemeral, gossamer thing,
is named for the man
who suggested the plan
used for seeking the starry sea king.
"
"some ants found a way to compete,
with a food-storing caste called ""replete"".
what is forced down their throat
makes their abdomens bloat,
filled with honey for others to eat.
"
"in the stallion, a wildness awoken?
but in me, sadness deep and unspoken
comes down like a weight
as i ponder his fate,
which is first to be gelded, then broken.
"
"in the burned-over district, you might
look for spiritual fuel to ignite,
but with too many rivals
and massive revivals,
there no one who's not seen the light.
"
"with their paramount motive, to munch,
hungry catamounts followed a hunch.
when a tourist hiked by
with his eyes on the sky,
he was tantamount, nearly, to lunch.
"
"in his eyes burns a fiery soul.
this effect (in his most tragic role)
was to playgoers lost
when the lighting got crossed ?
he was standing inside a black hole.
"
"the milk cows were playing the rover
and grazed their way deep in the clover.
by bloat, some were ended,
their rumens distended
so much that the bovines keeled over.
"
"a binomial, i can discuss:
we marry two terms with no fuss.
the statistics profession
combines this expression
in forms guaranteed to nonplus.
"
"she's a skinny-assed waitress by day,
but at night, she's a film devotee.
self-respect she can find,
for her cineast kind
values ray-bans far less than man ray.
"
"our id of this rock is conclusive:
it is dark, finely grained, and extrusive,
and it wouldn't be true
from cape horn to peru
to say andesite rock is elusive.
"
"very old pyrotechnic creations,
the chondrules reward observations,
for these mineral beads
are astronomers' leads
to cosmogony's deep revelations.
"
"in the universe, youthful locality
serves us a puzzle: causality.
given all that we know,
normal light is too slow
to explain our consistent reality.
"
"shooting cans, she looked hot when i met her?
a great shot, with that gun, in that sweater.
as she learned back in juvie,
good bullets are groovy:
a cannelure just makes 'em better.
"
"round its star, the hot jupiter whipped
till its gaseous mantle was stripped.
nothing else will befall
this chthonian ball:
it's a roaster, rotisserie-gripped.
"
"the limericist's arrogant crime
was his bullheaded meter and rhyme.
he perverted marcel;
now he's going to hell
for the terrible waste of a mime.
"
"aventurescence can make your eyes dance
at a gem's sparkling air of romance.
tiny platelets ensure
that this glittering lure
isn't missed a ventura, ""by chance"".
"
"our benefits package brings groans?
the insurers, quite deaf to our moans,
have barred from physicians
pre-existing conditions
like organs and muscles and bones.
"
"painting portraits is arduous toil,
but while wet, they are easy to spoil.
if the binder is thickened,
then drying is quickened.
so heat, and thus body, the oil.
"
"cisternography's not about rain
nor the spider you flushed down a drain.
subarachnoid's the space
where a doctor will face
something scary that's deep in your brain.
"
"once a cistula (sort of a chest),
if catoptric, left viewers impressed.
with its mirrors in place,
the interior space
was an infinite optical jest.
"
"i look 'round; the world's crap, and we're clods.
after carefully judging the odds
that the planet's land masses
emerged from vast asses,
i worship incontinent gods.
"
"was andromeda really that cute?
did poor perseus rue his pursuit?
till the stars fade and die,
with his in-laws he'll lie,
and the horse he flew in on, to boot.
"
"from mt. stromboli, no lava flows;
glowing bombs and lapilli, it throws.
these scoria tracers
are landscape erasers:
the cinder cone steadily grows.
"
"they say wedding night sex is a pinnacle,
but my own made my passion turn cynical.
never taken to bed
by a man (so she said),
she was nonetheless practiced and clinical.
"
"there's a dog, and she barks at the moon
in old re-runs of lassie and june,
and i dearly would love
not to mention a dove,
but clich? rhymes are calling the tune.
"
"first she noisily bolted a rabbit,
but then, wasn't able to nab it.
you can quickly see how
too much bassett and chow
make it hard to make hunting a habit.
"
"in the ancient world, rock hounds were told
this is handy for soldering gold.
it's a bluish-green stone;
go and dig out your own
chrysocolla where copper gets old.
"
"using cibachrome, dearly i paid
for a print from a slide i had made.
we would both take a bath
on its chemical path;
i grew poor, but the pictures won't fade.
"
"a carburetor mixes the fuel
with the air, and it looks really cool
when the intake sticks far
through the hood of your car?
even hotter with carbs that are dual!
"
"different species were winnowed and scourged,
and if similar traits have emerged
(like when dolphins and fish
are both shaped to go ""swish""),
then we say evolution's converged.
"
"now, at last, we're approaching convergence
in dealing with pesky insurgents.
we agree. it is plain
that the terrorist stain
must be cleansed by atomic detergents.
"
"conversation piece? that's an excuse
for an object that lacks any use.
is it primitive art?
or an animal part?
we'll discuss it, with vodka and juice.
"
"his persons look lighter and smaller
in landscapes with trees so much taller.
albrecht altdorfer's  view
of our world was quite new:
look at details! pure joy to a scholar!
"
"amazonian epoch, on mars,
is no reference to iliad's stars.
less bombardment appears
in these two billion years,
as deduced from old meteor scars.
"
"a sloop-rigged and two-ended quoddy,
she's yar?you might even say yachty.
though it's possibly kinky,
we all call her pinky
for pinching the rear of her body.
"
"a young athlete liked racing on cinder.
(her opponent, she hoped, it might hinder.)
when it seemed she would fail
and her rival prevail,
she just grappled, upended, and pinned her.
"
"i am striving for personal bests
when i christmas tree all of my tests.
in the quiz on james joyce,
i use multiple choice
to draw pictures of molly bloom's breasts.
"
"most comets have ""hair"" when they're hauled
to the sun, in whose grip they're enthralled.
but repeatedly shedding
a coma's tough sledding:
in time, they grow feeble and bald.
"
"two ends, and some parts in between
on a dna strand, though unseen,
are a data abode
(polypeptide in code).
that's a cistron, or simply, a gene.
"
"a boomerang sediment corer
returns to the benthic explorer
with a long sample core
from the deep ocean floor;
it is more like a punch than a borer.
"
"now, a company man in japan
is a very conventional man.
he'll habitually choose
the predictable views
as he follows a typical plan.
"
"there's a form of molecular keno
in the global genetic casino,
where each bet that we rode on
(a triplet, or codon)
is cashed for an acid (amino).
"
"in the war, someone chalked out a plan
to avenge yank attacks on japan:
send balloons without flyers
with bombs to light fires
in the states from l.a. to spokane.
"
"the geologists' paradigm shift
seemed as slow as a continent's drift,
but the first became last
as they clung to the past?
a professional undersea rift.
"
"""core my apple,"" the little boy pleads,
so i cut out the part with the seeds
and then eat, while he cries.
now he's hungry, but wise.
how i relish these minor misdeeds!
"
"tiny doughnuts of ferrite called cores
(single bits in the memory stores),
though they launched a new age,
have been jerked from the stage,
brought up short by the law we call moore's.
"
"her hair's raven fullness and body
hid her face, while she served me chapati.
and it caused me some pain
(since this jain wasn't plain)
that she'd seek out not me, but samadhi.
"
"all the day, roosters clamor and strut,
while i thirst for new ale from the butt.
i will drink with the boys
after dusk damps the noise;
after cockshut, the cock's never shut.
"
"this star-enscribed globe made of glass
is surrounding a planet of brass.
such a cosmosphere shows
where we stand, i suppose,
though i'd rather find out what will pass.
"
"i surmise, watching stars from a hill,
that the cosmos has spirit and will.
cosmozoism teaches
that life moves the reaches
of space.  i feel suddenly chill.
"
"down the rna highway they sped,
but then amber appeared up ahead.
that codon said ""halt!""
and the ribosomes' fault
(in not stopping) destroyed what they bred.
"
"there are diplomats sent by each nation
as proxies for peace conversation.
each explains where he stands
and what's tying his hands,
as the juggernauts near immolation.
"
"if a photosphere's cool, it demands
that its spectrum shows broad, diffuse bands
of absorption. too warm,
and no molecules form,
so their atoms go make other plans.
"
"when watson heard bell speak his mind,
each conversant was easy to find.
am i now hearing lips,
or just silicon chips?
look for wires, and you'll think you've gone blind.
"
"on technology, tubes, and retorts,
and in geeky domains of all sorts,
i can chatter with ease?
i'm conversant with these?
but my god, do not quiz me on sports!
"
"i bring mountainside internet work
to the deep, rounded vale of a cirque,
where a lake lays down varves
as a cirque glacier carves,
and in chat-rooms, the mountain-goats lurk.
"
"""if you challenge our god, you are rash?
each night, what we offer, he'll gnash.""
daniel cindered the floor.
when they next cracked the door,
there were footprints of priests in the ash.
"
"as an atheist, he was a winner?
trounced believers and had 'em for dinner.
as a convert, that zeal
is compelling and real:
there's no saint like an old reformed sinner.
"
"the discussion, informal and small,
from our group, faintly heard down the hall
like the murmur of bees
carried soft on the breeze,
is a buzz session, gossips and all.
"
"i'm so sick of that chemical nerd!
he craves brine from the sea (so i've heard)
and discards all the salt
to make bittern.  my fault?
i would much rather give him the bird.
"
"though the birders love eagle and swift,
to the coverts they've given short shrift.
not mere covering minions
of second-string pinions,
they're authors of airflow and lift.
"
"o'er my head, pending doom seems to hover.
take each set holding me and a lover,
and it seems, wifey dear,
that that's everyone here.
don't get mad! it's a countable cover.
"
"""pay your child-support, deadbeat! you cad!""
now my cognitive dissonance gad
says it's in my dominion
to change my opinion.
could my actions be really so bad?
"
"when movies were first all the rage,
fixed cameras were trained on a stage.
then lensman's improvements?
cabiria movements?
used dollies to launch a new age.
"
"i'm a do-it-yourselfer, methinks;
i constructed a console for sinks.
but you shouldn't see air
in the joints under there!
it's my crude, crooked carcass that stinks.
"
"her lover, a linguist, would criticize,
and each phrase, anglo-franco-politicize.
""i am sorry, my femme,
but you can't say 'je t'aime'
without t', so we always must cliticize.""
"
"""come to tea? sorry, can't,"" he replied.
""i must go to poor bunbury's side.""
thus did freedom depend
on a made-up sick friend.
when he bunburied, frankly, he lied.
"
"though the star maker said ""fiat lux"",
in the milky way, out beyond crux,
there the galaxy's plane
wears the coalsack, a stain
that absorbs flying radiant flux.
"
"the green is the sun's strongest ray,
but a plant will just throw it away.
does natural selection
explain this rejection?
so why isn't chlorophyll...grey?
"
"cross sections, from fore and from aft,
with the beam, and the shape, and the draft?
what the body plan shows
might be shipbuilders' woes,
or the lines of a wonderful craft.
"
"while the planthopper won't attack fruits,
or the leaves, inner bark, or the shoots,
it's a cixiid thug
(though it's called a true bug),
crawling downwards to feed from the roots.
"
"cor caroli, a murdered king's heart,
still beats on a northerly chart
of the heavens. but zounds!
it's been swallowed by hounds!
though he's gone, we still play with his part.
"
"to my gardener, a capital fellow,
his girl shouldn't look greenish-yellow.
with a shrewd diagnosis?
""she's down with chlorosis""?
he's sprinkling iron in her jell-o.
"
"tiny grains of the regolith mass?
shattered minerals, bonded with glass.
such agglutinates form
when a meteor swarm
gives old luna a kick in the ass.
"
"the rocks i collect, outer-spacious,
are chondrites, type c (carbonaceous).
they've been wet, but not hot,
and organics they've got,
with a story that's vast, but veracious.
"
"is the truth inconvenient? dunno.
with melting, will seas overflow?
when we count on our fingers,
confusedness lingers;
with algorism, certainties grow.
"
"i'll be firing a porcelain potty,
for stoneware is simply too shoddy.
for trotties' wee waste,
i'll be starting with paste,
whereas pottery's thrown from a body.
"
"of the meteors falling to earth,
some have chondrules, while some have a dearth.
and the chondrites that fall
are the oldest of all,
having witnessed our violent birth.
"
"the doc said my head was contused,
but he's wrong, and his help i refused.
i'm as sharp as a tack,
though the blue's turning black.
he's a fool! can't he see i'm just bruised?
"
"sailing south, the antarctic convergence
is a front marking surface submergence,
like our spirits, downwelling
to davy jones' dwelling,
that long for a warming resurgence.
"
"in china, i wooed mary woo
in her robe of celestial blue.
such a long, breathless kiss!
and i hope that her bliss
like my own, was celestial too.
"
"my rich uncle's not lying in state:
in a coma, he makes me irate.
where has consciousness fled?
is he technically dead?
to be blunt, just how long must i wait?
"
"a colporter's work, night and day,
fights the gay, and the gay divorc?e,
wielding biblical tracts
against musical acts
and society's moral decay.
"
"of earth's insides, i yearned to learn more,
and the internet helped me explore.
thanks to iron and nickel,
i'm stuck in a pickle:
my mom saw me search for hard core.
"
"cosmothetic idealists posit
that perception is locked in a closet?
that we know circumspectly
and never directly
the world that exists and must cause it.
"
"take the magnitude measured with b
and subtract the one measured with v.
with the index you've got,
you can figure how hot
or what color's the archer's left knee.
"
"signora's unfrocked cicisbeo
must feel that she's rather archaeo.
they will roll in the hay
while signor is away,
whose return brings thanksgiving: ""laus deo"".
"
"a liverwort spawns with a gemma,
but a woman (like bovary, emma)
faces sexual doom
as a pawn of her womb,
a bicornuate (two-horned) dilemma.
"
"in spacetime, no way can you get
between any two points in this set:
it's achronal.  you'd need
to go more than light's speed
(you'd abet a causality threat).
"
"since the seafloor dives down at the edge
of a continent's plate, i'd allege
that the surface gets scraped,
and the scrapings reshaped
to produce an accretionary wedge.
"
"near seattle, the continent's margin
over time, bit by bit, is enlargin'.
would you rather abstain
from accreted terrain?
stop the plates from tectonically chargin'.
"
"when don juan invades an alcazar,
climbing in where the holes full of glass are,
he can make ladies weak
with his hair black and sleek:
his pomade is the oil of macassar.
"
"i am fighting my love of dessert
with a therapy plan that's covert.
i imagine that pie
makes me horribly die,
though i'm keeping it under my shirt.
"
"buzz off! nothing else can i say.
you bug me, so bug, fly away!
yes, i mean to be rude!
in my space you intrude.
leave my sight with no hint of delay!
"
"to find secrets the genome possessed,
the geneticists often finessed,
forcing pairs to show hands
with mutation, if trans:
cis-trans was a seminal test.
"
"what's a-matter? the same as b-copy.
it may appear slapdash and choppy,
but you shouldn't forget
how the deadlines are met
if the background collection's not sloppy.
"
"i'm a symbol of protest up north,
and the better to body it forth
i will build me a soddie
(they'll say that i'm dotty)
with turves from the capitol's swarth.
"
"bill's beat is municipal courts,
while fergie's are fashion and sports.
since their editors choose,
it's a subset of news
that a journalist mostly reports.
"
"did a clathrate, stored methane in ice,
form a weapon of nature's device?
has this gun been reloaded?
because it exploded,
did life pay a terrible price?
"
"by aeneas was troy well defended,
but wounded, he fled ere it ended.
as virgil would tell
in his epic hard-sell,
from aeneas all romans descended.
"
"if lazy-eye darkens your view
or poisons corrupted that too,
or you go for some ethyl
but get too much methyl ?
amblyopia's what's ailing you.
"
"men see luster from dangling pearls,
or they dream of the softness of curls.
they may try to act cool,
or may drool like a fool,
but they'll cluster around pretty girls.
"
"in my digital camera, the light
in a part of the scene was too bright.
it exacted a cost:
every detail was lost.
where there's clipping, it's totally white.
"
"though my dad was his mom's only child,
she was harsh, and not known to be mild.
she had scrapbooked her boy;
do the clippings show joy?
at the yellowing pages, i smiled.
"
"at a hot-water vent in mid-ocean,
a descent will encourage the notion
that the chimneys that grow
over creatures below
spew a life-giving magical potion.
"
"at chimneying, i would be deft,
in a chimney, or narrow rock cleft,
inching up between walls,
gazing out over falls?
were it not for my age and my heft.
"
"i'm a nerd; you'll forgive me such quirks
if my cluster analysis works
and your data is mined
for a revenue find.
a percentage is one of my perks.
"
"if it's massive enough, a star's cursed;
a collapsar's unslakeable thirst
at its core will implode.
by rotation it's slowed.
what we see is a gamma-ray burst.
"
"on my dashboard, the analog cluster
can confuse, disconcert, and then fluster.
watch the tach while i drive?
i will likely arrive
with some claims that require an adjuster.
"
"in a manual auto transmission,
a cluster gear's  awesome dentition
shares a rotating shaft.
the mechanical craft
of the crashbox takes skillful transition.
"
"have you noticed i'm looking forlorn?
between present and future i'm torn.
will i actualize lives?
when i'm playing with knives
i am haunted by throngs of unborn.
"
"when caucasian iberia's used,
understandably, folks are confused.
here's a hint, to be fair:
ancient georgians lived there.
and the persians nearby? not amused.
"
"a career in chiropody? sweet!
i will join the physicians' elite!
(till the strain of podiatry
leads to psychiatry,
haunted by horrible feet.)
"
"as a skilled conversationalist, tab
made me miss that his outfit was fab.
his d?colletage, hairy,
and girdle (more scary)
were masked by the man's gift of gab.
"
"on my rose bush, a brace of convergents
are fighting an aphid resurgence.
as these ladybugs feed,
they are just what i need
for american beauty's emergence.
"
"i use contrast grade zero to soften
a scene, but i don't use it often,
since the hardest grade, five,
feels more bold and alive.
even ansel'd agree, from his coffin.
"
"since consistent results are quite tricky,
in black-and-white darkrooms, i'm picky:
a cold head projects,
so i print fewer flecks,
and exposures are short: it's a quickie.
"
"in this image, the contrast is stark;
bright regions abruptly turn dark.
and a contrast you'll find
of a different kind:
there's a girl swimming next to a shark.
"
"""it's not fair, because we're citrus too!""
say the envious limes that we grew.
this green fruit feels maligned
by what webster defined?
only lemons have citreous hue.
"
"the anathematized poets are terse,
and producing our paper's their curse.
via anapest masters,
obits and disasters
are moving from bad into verse.
"
"aroint thee, o witch!  that's begone!
get your trick-or-treat off of my lawn!
you're nothing but trouble
with cauldrons a-bubble,
foul bat-fowling wee devil's pawn!
"
"the seed of the amaranth flower
beats wheat for its high protein power.
another use, too,
was red dye number 2,
which was found to be bad to devour.
"
"diversion with pleasures enshrined
and revelers bawdily wined
with bacchus and venus
entwining between us
is anacreontic defined.
"
"aqua regia, reagent of old,
you can purchase where acids are sold.
hydrochloric and nitric
when combined do a sleight trick
and together dissolve even gold.
"
"great jupiter's loves are his moons;
his girdle each orbit festoons.
his surrogate mother
is tempted to smother:		
amalthea, third of the lunes.
"
"cuculoris and gobo, at last,
are the stars of my shadowy cast.
they will never be booed
after setting a mood,
plays of darkness and light, unsurpassed.
"
"when the stretchers are laid on the level
over corners, all clipped on a bevel,
of diagonal brick,
such a clip bond looks slick,
but makes bricklayers curse like the devil.
"
"from a cholera incidence cluster
on a neighborhood map, you can muster
resolve, undisputed,
to cry, ""it's polluted!
that well is the source! do not trust 'er!""
"
"for a board of review, we convene
in a boy scout's advancement routine,
check his spirit for holes,
then assess and set goals.
we are scary, but shouldn't be mean.
"
"they asked gandhi (when hubris was king)
what he thought about (praises he'd sing?)
western civilization.
with scant hesitation
he said, ""it would be a good thing.""
"
"the tongues were all centum in kent.
deep in europe, the velars were bent,
and this new aberration
was satemization;
an isogloss marks its extent.
"
"for feldspar, the tropics are tough:
the weathering's nasty and rough.
over time, degradation
called bauxitization
leaves only alumino-stuff.
"
"interferograms, in application,
are processed with apodization;
a tapering function,
when used in conjunction,
enhances a sharp transformation.
"
"saying ergo, he tries to conclude
scattered arguments, hastily chewed,
and his choplogic style
never ceases to rile.
my defense is to picture him nude.
"
"son, i know you left school and played hooky,
and were searching a web site for nookie.
you had better come clean:
i am shocked that a teen
doesn't know when a site leaves a cookie.
"
"making glass for a pane or a shot,
add some potash and sand to your pot
and calcine it to frit
in a calcar, to wit,
in a furnace that isn't too hot.
"
"though the cold was both freezing and flustery
on the playground, and weather was blustery,
it was deemed apropos.
so at twenty below,
we were huddled, and silent, and clustery.
"
"it's a fluke when a fluke runs aground
in the sound of the surf in the sound.
in an antanaclasis,
a pun makes two passes
and tickles you on the rebound.
"
"polysaccharides, proteins transgress
and amyloid plaque makes a mess.
the mind is constricted;
these patients afflicted
with alzheimer's don't convalesce.
"
"i would like to think brewing's my forte,
that with guinness my stouts should assort.
but some credit, at least,
should devolve upon yeast
that's zymotically changing the wort.
"
"out of work, roger's income addiction
torments him ? a gnawing affliction.
unemployment's a curse,
and he's rogered by worse:
its concomitants, shame and eviction.
"
"distributions in ratios? iniquitous!
my approach to such math is obliquitous,
but in stars' spectral lines
or what student defines,
i have found cauchy-lorentz ubiquitous.
"
"guys are oafs, since the species began,
and a woman, pursued with a plan,
who's been asked to undress
without tact or finesse,
has been clumsily handled by man.
"
"a scientist seeking true fame
looked for rocks that were not quite the same.
to an amphibole odd
eager prof gave a nod:
aenigmatite made the guy's name.
"
"my philosophy may appear stoic?
that life on the earth's cosmozoic.
when you think you're the issue
of a martian's used tissue,
it's hard to feel very heroic.
"
"during ice ages, rivers won't roll
if their basins drain north towards the pole.
thus lake agassiz grew
with no way to flow through
'til the melting ice opened a hole.
"
"a satellite orbiting 'round
is at times at its apogee found,
the maximum distance
by newton's insistence
that something can be from the ground.
"
"rainbow's ends and the hues in-between
light your pots, each one sprouting a bean.
from the garden's reaction,
the spectrum of action
shows nothing will grow in the green.
"
"to a soul who resides in riyadh,
finding civitas dei seems odd;
metaphorical streets
honor infidel feats
in st. augustine's city of god.
"
"ci-devant obi-wan, old kenobi,
of the dark side, will ever a foe be.
his former life's done,
every race has been run,
and he won't be receiving the obie.
"
"at the old inns of court in pursuit
of juridical training, astute
would-be barristers lifted
old trials to be sifted.
such bolting (and moots) are now moot.
"
"there's an arsenate mineral bed,
and i'm fond of its lovely rose red.
so i use cobalt bloom
to enliven a tomb,
and i've heard no complaints from the dead.
"
"i'm a coaster in bicycle land,
and the jocks say my seat is unmanned.
if you'd rather not pedal
and don't want to medal,
roll coastward, downhill to the strand.
"
"with foreboding, once people would stare
at the coma, a comet's fine hair.
but this omen's not why
the old king's going to die.
we're ephemeral; comets don't care.
"
"our communities merged, through inflation.
now i drive through a vast conurbation,
and the nightmare won't pass?
always starbucks and gas.
what i'd give for some sweet isolation!
"
"both our hearts beat like galloping hooves
though we now live apart, and this proves
we're coseismal: our loci
relate to deep foci
where somewhere between, the earth moves.
"
"my cosmosophy's rather old-hat:
what's so big, that i'm merely a gnat?
it's the cosmos that teases me;
frankly, it pleases me,
wrapping my brain around that.
"
"it's the star maker's manifest thought,
a great vastness where earth is as naught.
from the cosmos, the deep,
am i safe in this keep,
in a fastness that humans have wrought?
"
"a young chandleress dipping some tapers
fell ill with a fit of the vapors.
was it fumes from the wax
that provoked her attacks?
or the banns that she'd read in the papers?
"
"at the printer's, he entered alone
and graffitied a lithograph's stone?
using autolithography,
added pornography?
left ere his deed become known.
"
"master chefs in the waffle sodality
view mixing with sheer commonality:
when you're making a batter,
the order does matter.
for fluffy, you need colloidality.
"
"in business, where waste is provoking,
our days are consumed with colloquing.
we meet and converse
while our problems grow worse.
let's sit down and discuss why we're choking.
"
"yes, my government's making me grouse;
each official's a rat or a louse
for which dearly i'm taxed.
the whole lot should be axed.
tell the voters it's time to clean house!
"
"if you run lots of marathons, know
you might not have a menstrual flow.
you'll be feeling just fine,
'cause the syndrome's benign:
amenorrheic, it's just a no-show.
"
"""circumlittoral regions, abhor!""
i implore, but the tourists ignore.
i'm a tidal-wave geek;
that's the way that i speak
when i mean, ""get away from the shore!""
"
"the astronomer working tonight
will act meek and polite while it's bright,
but when nighttime holds sway
and he works at coud?,
he will elbow his way to the light.
"
"the women will think you're a whiz.
apr?s-d?ner, dessert will be ms.
using french as a draw?
you've a big je ne sais quoi ?
but i really can't say what that is.
"
"with animus, spirits inflamed,
the bonobos angrily aimed:
flung disgust mixed with rage
through the bars of their cage,
all who gawked at them equally blamed.
"
"a converging lens magnifies clues,
but detectives, if smart, also use
(on their treks through the heather
in deerstalker weather)
good waterproof, comfortable shoes.
"
"in the future, dissension may grow,
but for now, they combat the same foe.
cobelligerents war
against one they hate more.
are they allies? they both will say ""no!""
"
"a hundred or more times an hour
i'm zapped by a cosmic ray shower.
will it doom or renew me?
the mesons sleet through me
with extraterrestrial power.
"
"to the spaniard, the yucat?n codex
was best employed wiping his podex,
and in all of his odysseys,
only three codices
made it to europe belowdecks.
"
"when hyperinflation holds sway,
he will sprint to the bank with his pay
and convert it to dollars.
in panic, he hollers,
""my cruzeiros are draining away!""
"
"wee gulliver climbs, as he seeks
the pass between towering peaks.
and time seems to crawl
as he crosses that col,
for he fears brobdingnagian cheeks.
"
"if your children grow sullen and vicious,
light candles to st aloysius,
that the patron of youth
might bring virtue and couth
from outside (that would be adscititious).
"
"the proud man's contumely, i'll bear.
he can scorn or deride; i won't care.
but what's harrowing me,
what i swear's not to be,
is the fact that i'm losing my hair.
"
"is rhetoric chief of your talents,
keeping dolts who would woo you off-balance?
ciceronian skill,
like a birth-control pill,
shields a girl from lascivious gallants.
"
"we had camped on old a'a at kona,
and were hoping to glimpse the corona.
it was one of those trips
to a solar eclipse
where each cloud was non grata persona.
"
"hearing ""cock"", you are primed for the male,
but at times, such an instinct will fail.
cochleariform dunes
would have contours of spoons,
and a cochleate shape is a snail.
"
"albigensians, ultra-devout,
anti-catholic dogma would spout.
too uptight in toulouse,
they found flesh had no use.
a medieval crusade wiped them out.
"
"it's a chemical stroke of good luck
when a hindered rotation gets stuck.
if conformers are cool,
atropisomers rule
when gram-positive germs run amuck.
"
"round a single bond, molecules twist,
but in some, forces tend to resist.
in butane-fueled warmers,
four different conformers
inseparably coexist.
"
"a biaryl has two aryl groups,
and the aryls have resonant loops.
her motif goes beyond
what makes pharmacists fond,
for she'll conquer the rest when she stoops.
"
"the euphrates and tigris flowed free
through chaldea, and there found the sea.
first the lands by the shore,
and then later, much more,
would be ruled by chaldean decree.
"
"""this crusade has a glitch from the start ?
can't tell cathars and catholics apart.""
""kill them all! god will know
who are his,"" said arnaud.
he was following innocent's heart.
"
"a beggar's bathetic aesthetic
hooks viewers who deem him pathetic.
""i need?""  he can't speak;
it's an ancient technique
that the greeks labeled aposiopetic.
"
"though death may appear to dissever
our union, our souls last forever,
so whenever i sign
""coeternally thine"",
i am being more honest than clever.
"
"study termites; you'll come to believe
their allure is a pure joie de vivre.
in their burrow or mound,
what's the first chamber found?
copularium! can you conceive?
"
"in school, they're unlikely to teach
the rules of colloquial speech.
though perfectly normal,
it's loose and informal,
and ""ain't"" ain't considered a breach.
"
"you've a symbiote? both should do well.
you have parasites? health goes to hell.
but commensalism features
innocuous creatures.
as host, are you harmed? i can't tell.
"
"my memory's far from ideal,
and i can't always help how i feel.
computationalists tutor,
""your brain's a computer!""
an upgrade has certain appeal.
"
"when the number of times every second
that processors process is reckoned,
their clock speed's a siren
we can't help desirin',
though hurts are assured when we're beckoned.
"
"the bone marrow's myelodysplastic,
and the terminal crisis is blastic.
for a foretaste of hell
you could try cml,
but you'll wish you'd picked something less drastic.
"
"a connectionist follows this creed:
simple units are all that you need.
add some interconnections:
they'll form predilections
and soon will be thinking at speed.
"
"to ensure that our grads aren't defectives,
the regents have issued directives.
from the first to the last,
core curriculum's passed,
though there isn't much room for electives.
"
"if i'm pressed, i'll be forced to confess
i'm in favor of color excess.
starlight's hue, i adjust,
since it's reddened by dust
that the spaces between us possess.
"
"to wisconsin, the lead-miners came,
digging tons of galena, their aim.
and at night each lay snug
in a brock-house he'd dug.
so the badger state came by its name.
"
"doc performed the  colloidal gold test.
in your shoes, i'd be beating my breast.
there are outcomes; of those
that your csf shows,
neurosyphilis isn't the best.
"
"as a color, it's largely unknown:
it's a deeper and yellower roan.
coromandel, mars red?
will these stick in your head?
or is colcothar too overblown?
"
"far horizons wear white summer haze,
and from mountains, at azure you'd gaze.
celestial's a hue
and its name is a clue,
but which sky and which blue should i praise?
"
"a coauthorship's junior may yelp
at the sting of experienced ""help"".
if a breakdown occurs,
they'll be authoring slurs,
crying, ""fogie!"" and ""insolent whelp!""
"
"i squinted and furrowed my brow
as i sighted my weapon. then, pow!
i was having such fun
with my elephant gun,
till i found i had murdered a cow.
"
"you think lithic reduction's a bore?
when i'm at it, you won't hear me snore,
though you might catch me knapping,
my hammerstone rapping,
to fashion an axe from a core.
"
"my support group has rage to unite us:
we suffer from bad coxarthritis.
it's tough to be chipper;
we'll try to be hipper,
and then our condition will bite us.
"
"what a soldier in india faced
in the raj, one might view with distaste,
for his officers felt
that a cholera belt
was the key to control human waist.
"
"a coversine (one minus sine)
is quite useless, but quick to define.
use its haversine kin
for a definite win
when you navigate over the brine.
"
"when small adits are bored near the floor
and then stuffed with explosives, it's war
on the face of a quarry.
if there's ore in the story,
coyote-type blasting yields more.
"
"my dirigible's motors will shove it
towards the radio beacon.  i love it!
since the beep needs a boost,
our position's deduced:
in the cone full of silence above it!
"
"""gbm is in search of a faggot.""
you may think that this guy is a maggot.
in most newspaper joints
(between five and six points),
such an ad will be typeset in agate.
"
"though some feel the future is shapable,
the facts lead to doom inescapable:
the reactor's great vault
that the greens couldn't halt
has been built on a fault, and it's capable.
"
"from a benz with a bulletproof body,
the pope blesses massed glitterati.
some accept papal bull
till their bellies are full,
while the bull-proof instead think he's dotty.
"
"young bowen's technique would outstrip
older hands. with his motions and grip
he could shear every fleece
very close, to increase
the gross weight of the seasonal clip.
"
"as each dna sequence ascends,
it keeps two recognizable ends:
there's the 5' (the male)
and the 3' (the tail)
that each deoxyribose extends.
"
"i hear praise for the virtues of jute,
and for corchorus greens, good repute.
but a field's better fallow
than sown with jew's mallow
for sewing a gunny-sack suit.
"
"a cimmerian bosporus tack
leads me southwards, the wind at my back,
skirting kerch and crimea.
my single idea:
sail from sea of azov, to the black.
"
"lengthy astrogeodetic affairs
find positions by using least-squares.
though the geoid's not plumb,
feet and souls become numb
with no glimmer that anyone cares.
"
"when your arm is conducting symphonically
and the brass and the strings blend harmonically,
through depolarization,
each wave and sensation
is pulsed on a nerve cationically.
"
"on the clipper route, currents are warring,
and it's risky where forties are roaring.
but the boldest would sail
that perpetual gale
racing eastward, the dangers ignoring.
"
"the ""innocuous"" term british isles,
to some residents, rankles and riles.
but emending to stay
more pc ? the uk ?
leaves the irishman out (and he smiles).
"
"as the equinox moved into pisces,
egypt's ptolemies wed berenices.
these morality twisters
could marry their sisters,
or murder their own genetrices.
"
"many cultures include in a creed:
""don't have sex, unless licensed to breed.""
the beliefs of a prude
appear nakedly crude,
so they're typically clothed in a screed.
"
"an inveterate climber named kevin
eyed the cliff, which ascended to heaven.
would his spirit be cowed
by a climb into cloud?
""i think that might be rated class seven.""
"
"a continuous-tone type of print
isn't easy to make. here's a hint:
while bichromated gel
takes the ink very well
every collotype pressing is mint.
"
"in the telling of far-future myth
(archetypical moment and pith)
wherein innocents reel,
trod with leather and steel,
see the cordwainer work with the smith.
"
"the recipient rarely unzips,
but a zipper-like series of clips
is used by physicians
and also morticians
to staple a wound's gaping lips.
"
"at death, the man needed a shave.
who was he? a knave, or a slave?
his body's preserved
by the peat bog that served
over thousands of years as his grave.
"
"from the dross and the dreck, oft-maligned,
i alembicate truths in my mind.
though i seek the quintessence,
a rare evanescence
may hint that it's over-refined.
"
"if a musical amp's overdriven,
then distortion of sounds is a given.
the waveforms are clipped,
looking flat-topped and snipped,
and both speakers and ears may be riven.
"
"though the center is antimetabolic,
this is not a nutritional frolic.
if you drink, you won't think.
if you think, you won't drink,
and my rhetoric's nonalcoholic.
"
"as our microscope-meister reports,
cryptocrystalline rocks made of quartz
comprise crystals so small
he can't see them at all,
as in flint, or chalcedony sorts.
"
"""booze is great!"" so our chant had begun.
we were seniors. we bawled,  ""sex is fun!""
it was stupidly crass.
we proclaimed, ""we're the class""
(looking forward) ""of '71!""
"
"the amnion indicates skin
that an embryo's cosseted in:
the burgeoning jewel
has its own swimming pool,
be it flyer or crawler or fin.
"
"my messmate (my favorite commensal)
has tentacles (very prehensile).
we dine upon orcs;
i use spades and then forks,
but an octopus needs no utensil.
"
"when the crop-duster buzzed cary grant,
flying low, cary's options were scant.
so he dived to the dirt
in his freshly pressed shirt,
unsuspecting that eve was a plant.
"
"an aridisol (dry, desert soil)
won't respond to a gardener's toil,
for she might as well try
growing produce in lye;
any effort, its nature will foil.
"
"between dust grains and small planetesimals
is a factor of quite a few decimals.
that accretion of mass
garners solids and gas,
and that planets result, are good guessimals.
"
"like its namesake, with backing quite slim,
find arrhenius out on a limb.
this crater's location
by lunar libration
allows us a view of its rim.
"
"though it's hard to imagine the trip
(was there help from an alien ship?),
the chassignites (all two)
to old mars bade adieu,
but then fell in earth-gravity's grip.
"
"since maps are all flattened, i hate 'em.
as a rule (you may quote me, verbatim)
since the earth's not a sphere,
a position's unclear
if it doesn't refer to a datum.
"
"find a synthesis; that's my objective.
conformers aren't fully elective:
only one is desired.
a reaction's required
that's atropo-enantioselective.
"
"treating sewage can try a man's mettle,
fearing stuff that's dispersed, but won't settle.
if a colloider clears
all the sludge (and his fears)
he still won't think he's sniffing a petal.
"
"from the market, next week i will bring
divers chandleries, tied up with string.
i'll get candles and soaps,
bolts of fabric and ropes,
and supplies that must last us till spring.
"
"""you must move,"" i hear porters repeating.
i'm so beat.  what's this nonsense they're bleating?
they refuse to spell out
what they're hinting about:
""there are several classes of seating...""
"
"yes, the sun's uv rays are actinic.
i know it. just call me a cynic,
but my business plan
is to sell you a tan,
'cause i own an oncology clinic.
"
"""near-earth"" is a challenging place
for two nations to jockey and race.
translated from russian:
""we're masters"" (they're blushin')
""of circumterraneous space.""
"
"cosmological principle's fame
puts copernican brother to shame:
it proclaims with some nerve
wheresoe'er you observe
in the cosmos, it all looks the same.
"
"the aplanogamete is a cell
which can't move, but it works very well.
saying ""sex must be motile""
i'd call anecdotal.
holding still is, for algae, just swell.
"
"where a star once exploded in taurus,
a nebula blossoms before us.
this astronomy lab
that resembles a crab
at its heart holds a pulsar and torus.
"
"the magician comes calling and sells,
from a congeries, magics and spells
for good crops and good ale.
if his conjuries fail,
we will still be impressed by the smells.
"
"there's an odor that clings to the room?
a lingering hint of the tomb.
the mortician's sad fate:
he will not find a date
while he's using such putrid perfume.
"
"a chimaera (chondrichthian fish)
was hauled up in a net, and i wish
cartilaginous class
was more common.  alas,
joy of cooking is missing this dish.
"
"please don't think it's some form of depravity
when i look for a bare coxal cavity.
forgiveness i beg;
i was pulling her leg.
at its loss, she surrendered to gravity.
"
"lest dezincification begin
and my heat-exchange tubing grow thin,
i will cover my ass
using admiralty brass,
and alloy it with 1-percent tin.
"
"to fungus, jocks' toes are a feast,
and women face vaginal yeast.
to fight fungal infections,
please follow directions;
clotrimazole poisons the beast.
"
"when a motley assemblage of crooks
raids antique stores to steal dusty books,
ancient calvaries there?
just as precious and rare?
such a colluvies fair overlooks.
"
"deep in space, shining objects are found
in a swarm, gravitationally bound:
astronomical clusters
to telescope lusters
bring joy, and the urge to expound.
"
"dead canes he has nipped with a clipper,
dead branches (our jack is a ripper),
and dead victims, at need,
to the hopper he'll feed,
watching sawdust fly out of his chipper.
"
"i've got ninety-nine servers connected
in a cluster, since failure's expected.
it can balance the loads,
and when something explodes,
its performance is hardly affected.
"
"where your lips join together, a line?
in your eyelids' convergent design?
in a bird's horny beak?
all these commissures speak
of enigmas i'll never divine.
"
"why the party machinery grooms
(with respect to careers) or it dooms,
is that likely you'll find
in the luckier kind
an at-homeness in smoke-filled back rooms.
"
"biologists act as recorders;
though life doesn't really have borders,
the critters beguile 'em
to tally and file 'em
in classes ? collections of orders.
"
"in europe, in each major race
there were subtypes, each given a place.
those distinctions were phony;
armenoids? baloney!
(anthropometry's fallen from grace.)
"
"up the amazon stream by pirogue,
i explore, very much out of vogue.
what they speak in those nooks,
not yet written in books,
are colloquials, argot, and brogue.
"
"at the peak of a corbie-stepped gable
the crowstone sits ready and able
for birds of black feather
to try coping together
on that rock-hewn rectangular table.
"
"young margaret, who'd bawdily roister,
was banished and sent to the cloister.
in her cell she looks nice,
like the pearl of great price,
but they say she's a bit of an oyster.
"
"when rainwash, or sheetwash, or creep
carries stuff down a slope that is steep,
a mountainside palace
in time becomes talus
and joins the colluvium heap.
"
"the copernican principal's mentor
said, ""nick, when a meeting you enter,
you should listen, not speak.
though it seems you're unique,
the truth is, you're not at the center.""
"
"at times my concettism reigns
(a base king being led by his trains),
oxymorons elliptic
and metaphors cryptic
usurping legitimate brains.
"
"if curarimimetic, the bite
of a serpent will freeze you in flight.
with your nerve-signals blocked,
all your muscles are locked?
if you don't need to breathe, you're all right.
"
"the disruption that severed your vault
seems a sinister sort of assault,
and right-lateral shift
in the bank leaves you miffed,
but it's dextral, and really your fault.
"
"after one of my teacher's harangues
i'm a jelly of paralyzed pangs.
though i'm feeling quite scrod,
there's a merciful god:
she's aglyphous (lacks venomous fangs).
"
"chromatofocusing gains its validity
from control over protein fluidity,
since a molecule's rate
will depend on how great
is its isoelectric acidity.
"
"a condenser-enlarger abuser,
andr? callier tried a diffuser.
the exposure produced,
though in contrast reduced,
is preferred by the modern-day user.
"
"new decitabine treats mds
(in which bone marrow cells are a mess).
though a possible cure
has seductive allure,
your destruction will likely progress.
"
"as a cryostat (better is newer),
i keep liquefied gas in a ewer.
if it slips from my hold
and that deadliest cold
rushes out, it will be my un-dewar.
"
"having andisol (soil formed in ash)
is to farmers like fields full of cash,
and the bounty won't pass
while its weathering glass
keeps disbursing its nutrient stash.
"
"i'm afraid something bad has occurred,
that my animal magnetism's erred:
in her mesmerized state,
polly's losing some weight.
(did you sell me a moribund bird?)
"
"in the red, the exposure's the longest,
and attempts to fine-focus, the wrongest.
at the chemical focus
(a violet locus)
the action of light is the strongest.
"
"that i'm named in his will? generosity!
that i'm still drinking swill? a monstrosity!
his estate holds the purse
that will banish this curse.
why's his heart beating still? comatosity!
"
"deep in space, in a carbon-black mist
that a protostar's clenched like a fist,
from a swaddled cocoon
when the time's opportune,
light will stab and announce, ""i exist!""
"
"""you're aliterate?never liked reading;
all your brain-furrows badly need seeding.
your books are all shut....""
""i'm a literate what?""
(what remained of our chat involved bleeding.)
"
"in asgard reside the aesir
such as odin and loki and tyr,
the gods of the norse
and a warrior force
feasting nightly on boar-flesh and beer.
"
"evolution (the clandestine sort)
is left out of the fossil report.
what in youngsters accrues
over time, then debuts,
and our bodies are suddenly short.
"
"some cosmologists seek cosmic strings?
hypermassive, anomalous things.
others tend to suspect
that the ""gee whiz effect""
lends the strangest ideas false wings.
"
"my middle ear's scarred past correction,
and sounds in the air meet rejection.
but i hear through my bones
even very faint tones,
so my cochlea serves to perfection.
"
"'twas horror their faces were miming:
the london girls hated my timing.
italians all do it,
but english eschew it;
i blew it with bad clitic climbing.
"
"on the train, as we're leaving the station,
you keep trying to make conversation,
though i can't read the journal
with all these infernal
remarks that prevent concentration.
"
"convergently thinking, i narrow
my focus to get at the marrow,
attention devolving,
methodically solving,
my targets pursued like an arrow.
"
"with cold work, a metal is steeled
against stress that exhorts it to yield.
once a blacksmith's fine art,
now a work-hardened part
will be tougher (unless it's annealed).
"
"a capricious celestial mechanic
sent it skimming 'round mars in a panic.
named deimos by hall,
it's unlikely to fall,
so its impact is less than titanic.
"
"with an axis that points to the pole,
a coelostat mirror's one role
is to turn (very slow)
so that photons will flow
from the sun down a very deep hole.
"
"with wine, this cucurbit i'll fill.
perch alembic upon it; don't spill!
you're a capital sort
who deserves no retort,
with quintessence eluding you.  still....
"
"it's the course of all efforts that wend
from a start all the way to an end;
my anabasis fell
on its journey to hell
with an e-mail ""to all"", and a send.
"
"the boss said we had to work faster,
so our chairs now have wheels that can caster.
but we work on a ship!
so the rollicking clip
that seemed swell, in a swell spells disaster.
"
"""they're not normal!"" protest the objectors,
but geeks who wear pocket-protectors,
with their handiest tool
(it's the old ""right-hand rule""),
make a cross product out of two vectors.
"
"the daguerrotypist brought you bad news,
or feigned to, with silvery views.
""who was that she kissed?""
there would later exist
in that blurred, slow exposure, no clues.
"
"with their cone-beaks, the birds of this tribe
(conirostres) crack seeds to survive.
this historical clade
isn't making the grade:
every year, new exceptions arrive.
"
"to make ethylene's bond more reactive
using additive means (not subtractive),
bring an alkene, attach,
and an allene you'll hatch.
(not a chemist? this trick's stupefactive.)
"
"new cells can be formed, we'd allow.
by a builder? a cytoblast? how?
thrice fifty years later,
our knowledge much greater,
we call it the nucleus now.
"
"in cabinetry, wood is respected
when trees, bark-to-bark, are transected.
the pattern bewitches;
just book-match the flitches ?
there's beauty where grain is reflected.
"
"you will know that the moon's evanescent
if just before dawn it's a crescent.
in a day (maybe two)
it is gone (we say new).
in a week it will wax incandescent.
"
"you'll be shocked, if you hear the dawn chorus;
have the sirens all flocked to implore us?
but the vlf nerds
will explain how these ""birds""
fly unlocked from the planet that bore us.
"
"though you're loath to undress in this weather,
and you're cold in the regions called nether,
hey, we always get stewed
new year's eve in the nude
to be viewed in the (rude) altogether.
"
"our alphabet pretty well fits
in the baudot code's five little bits.
though the meaning's been changed
and the codes rearranged,
today's deaf still aren't calling it quits.
"
"this corn syrup's glucose, i'm sure,
which is almost entirely pure.
and because it costs less,
we'll use hfcs
while the tariffs on sugar endure.
"
"in iraq, he kicks back and ungirds,
but i doubt this american's words.
""you mean clobbered?"" done in,
he still flashes a grin?
""they were clabbered?all turned into kurds!""
"
"since atrament simply means ""ink"",
could i use it for ink that is pink?
it's from latin for ""black"".
such enigmas will wrack
my poor brain, till it's painful to think.
"
"alive, all her gossamer wings
are connivent: they're separate things
that converge, but aren't fused.
when she soars, they are used
to rise up into light, and she sings.
"
"alpha cygni, the tail of a bird,
is called deneb, an arabic word.
if the sun shone as bright,
we'd be blasted by light
and our swan song would never be heard.
"
"concertina wake trailing a bird
shows reduction of wingspan's occurred
on the up-beats: just right
for low-energy flight.
but to hover, such wings are absurd.
"
"the king, once empow'red and anointed,
was left, when his time was appointed,
after furies' four horses
had run their four courses,
unmanned, disembow'led, and disjointed.
"
"if cheiropatagium's heard,
then is brachiopatagium slurred?
it's a wing, understand?
one says ""arm"", one says ""hand"",
and the model's a bat or a bird.
"
"we find actinofibrils like threads
where the actinopatagium spreads
in a pterosaur's wing;
it's a membranous thing
that caresses each vortex it sheds.
"
"as the crust of the earth waxes old
it will wrinkle. a push makes it fold
and a pull tears a fault ?
not a random assault,
but diastrophism's force taking hold.
"
"in a girl, there's no cause to bemoan,
nor in flower, nor spirit, nor stone,
this particular plan.
but to say that a man
is anorchid elicits a groan.
"
"my hallux is valgus, i know
(a bunion deforms my big toe).
but my surgeon's authentic,
and tells me crescentic
removal's the way we should go.
"
"when a superconductor gets cold,
there are cooper pairs flowing, we're told.
but it all goes to pot
if the metal's too hot
for that phonon-based coupling to hold.
"
"strong sheep-dip's a liquid that serves
to a flea what that vermin deserves,
which is death (though bo peep
and her immature sheep
risk demyelination of nerves).
"
"by the teachers, we all were degraded:
the ditto machines had invaded.
i wrinkled my nose
at the moist purple prose,
and i'm thankful that all of it's faded.
"
"we eschew disingenuousness here:
our opinions are deeply sincere,
also candid and frank;
on our word, you may bank.
(and we're sorry this word's so unclear.)
"
"both condi and justice o'connor
share a feature i'm eager to honor.
their teeth are erratic ?
they're diastematic ?
and the gap gives them luck: dents du bonheur.
"
"when a pterosaur wing is reactin',
are its actinofibrils contractin'?
spreading rays are arrayed
when its fingers are splayed,
but their fibers? they're not really actin.
"
"after steering this course, i'm abashed,
for the hull of my hopes has been dashed
'gainst a hard would-be bride.
when my wishes allide
against hers, mine are flindered and smashed.
"
"she seems to be sort of a mole,
this desman i spy on my stroll,
but the feet of a swimmer
afford me a glimmer:
she isn't at home in a hole.
"
"degeneracy's simple condition
has nothing to do with perdition,
but with matter most dense.
if this doesn't make sense,
in your school there's a sin of omission.
"
"my aquarium's cichlids would hide,
or if not, they would flee till they died.
but with dither fish there,
timid cichlids would dare
to come out, and their fear would subside.
"
"at the top of my gable, the coping
(a treacherous perch were it sloping)
has corbie-stepped courses.
the chimney-sweep forces
ascend without roping, i'm hoping.
"
"for our health, we had better forget
all the ways we once used carbon tet ?
putting fires out, spot-cleaning,
or butterfly-gleaning ?
since cancer's a probable threat.
"
"de vaucouleurs' law, almost right
for elliptical galaxies' light,
says the dimming he saw
was a fourth-power law
from the core to the blackness of night.
"
"see the chemokines casting their spells,
simple proteins emitted by cells.
other cells in a trance
will converge and advance
like some bloodhounds out following smells.
"
"moist microbial action attacks
woody lignin in harvested flax.
such dew retting pains
free the fibrous remains;
then come breaking and scutching (some whacks).
"
"in beer-making, two kinds of yeast
hold a sugar-to-alcohol feast.
best ales for libation
have top fermentation,
though lagers, with bottom, aren't least.
"
"take the log of a million, base 10:
you get 6. for completeness, some men
make the antilog flower?
raise that base to that power?
so a million will blossom again.
"
"that your sphenoid bone's home to a groove,
a dissection will readily prove.
if it joins (ask a layman)
the optic foramen,
chiasmatic would likely behoove.
"
"an akinete's a vegetal spore,
and survival is what it is for.
for cyanobacteria,
other criteria
you, for the most, can ignore.
"
"with gates wired together, i'll cobble
a circuit in sequence.  a bobble
inverts things, and could
turn a bad into good
(like the hero of les mis?rables).
"
"a chiasmus has bits (they're chiastic),
and their symmetry's far from stochastic.
but with fits chiasmatic,
chiasmas aren't static:
the randomization's fantastic.
"
"if it's deviatoric, a stress
will do more than just simply compress.
it will tend to deform
from a shape that's the norm.
saying more would take math, i confess.
"
"after riders traverse purple sage,
from that silver-leaved book, take a page:
when you notice new blooms
then a thunderstorm looms.
let barometer bush be your gauge.
"
"""my code must run faster!"" bill yearns.
just count on old moore's law, he learns.
and today to get more
he will sing, ""multicore!""
but amdahl's law's shrinking returns.
"
"to pass muster in peers' referendum
this limerick might mention pudendum
or make cracks more refined,
and you're certain to find
here the word that's defined: definiendum.
"
"all the moments since you were my bride
are preserved in the knot that we tied.
in perpetual light
of a friendship this bright,
doubting never, we'll ever abide.
"
"bill shakespeare's man called it ""nook-shotten"";
to the french it was perfidy rotten.
poetically written,
old albion's britain,
where the term will not soon be forgotten.
"
"gap-toothed woman, you make me ecstatic!
my erotic response? automatic!
yes, what triggers my lust
more than buttocks or bust
is the fact that you're diastematic.
"
"the pose you have struck is cothurnal
and speaks of a darkness internal.
but, with all due respect,
your performance is wrecked ?
has no tragic effect ? at a urinal.
"
"here's some rock-layers, laid in a lake,
with a diastem (temporal break).
depositional lapse?
or erosion, perhaps?
are we sure there has been no mistake?
"
"see the president speak to the nation.
they're deceived, but they cheer in ovation.
when the truth is unclear
he is good at ""sincere"".
what i hear, though, is dissimulation.
"
"when this linkage of limericks stands
in the bookstore, its desperate fans
may be sadly surprised
that it's alphabetized
under author, to wit: divers hands.
"
"you are cross-eyed, my friend, i maintain.
you deny it? then let me explain.
your chiasm serves
to reroute optic nerves
to the opposite side of your brain.
"
"i find vonnegut's chronosynclastic
infundibulum cool and sarcastic.
different truths fit together
like birds of a feather.
it's sci-fi's conceit, and fantastic!
"
"from the cladding, a silica sheath
on the optical fiber beneath,
every photon reflects,
bearing movies and sex,
while the copyright lawyers gnash teeth.
"
"in a cop show, a rookie may yip,
""i'm out! someone toss me a clip!""
yes, a clip can hold rounds,
but be careful with nouns;
it's a mag that he needs in his grip.
"
"she was blessed with a slender, fast line;
i was heedless then, blind to each sign.
so i'm left here with squat.
neither clipper-built yacht
nor the wife of my dreams remains mine.
"
"if your transport of ions is poor,
your disease will be hard to endure.
channelopathy strikes
at your cellular dykes,
which don't work if they're made too secure.
"
"my lamp is of admiralty brass,
with a chimney that's bellied and glass.
though it's sooty, i'd rather
let buckyballs gather
than fall in the dark on my ass.
"
"in a string of attacks, i feel pain
stab my eye, or my temple. it's plain
that these headaches can muster.
though three make a cluster,
one less would still tear me in twain.
"
"the young dad doesn't know what to do.
with his gangstas, the converse is true:
give him pistol or knife,
and he'll handle all strife.
but when handed new life, not a clue.
"
"just at dawn, fading sirius rose
in chihuahua, where cereus grows,
and canicular heat
quickly melted the feet
of the cereous man from tussaud's.
"
"my bicycle's dissipativity
implies that it has the proclivity
to slow to a halt,
and that friction's at fault
when we always return to passivity.
"
"when marc antony battled augustus
and cleo remarked, ""they don't trust us!""
off where actium stood,
it was settled for good:
caesar's navy was much more robustus.
"
"my bungalow's columns are battered:
they taper. it long-ago mattered
to artists and draughtsmen,
american craftsmen,
that homes, by their porches, were flattered.
"
"puissant pussies pretending to purr,
abyssinians licking their fur,
grimalkins with mittens
and alley-cat kittens
surpass, as to class, any cur.
"
"in a stadial, climate grows colder,
like the dryas (the younger or older).
new tundra is settled
by plants octopetaled
in white (and their pollen is golder).
"
"the detritus that's left by a flood,
all the gravel, the silt, and the mud,
or riparian fines
braiding downstream designs,
is alluvium, water-borne crud.
"
"there's a star called ""the back of the bear""
which is almost the brightest one there.
dubhe's typical role
is to point at the pole;
it's a cinch, 'cause it's part of a pair.
"
"using cinder blocks, builders in haste
are consumers of blast-furnace waste,
and make walls just as thick
as with double-wythe brick,
only faster, and lacking in taste.
"
"astronomical twilight reveals
what a brighter sky background conceals,
though the milky way's glow
is unlikely to show
over street lights and automobiles.
"
"at its desinence, wet cavitation
is gone.  no more bubbles. cessation,
as if bubbles slumber.
the desinent number
can't speak of their time of creation.
"
"heavy hydrogen flitted around
after proton and neutron were bound.
free neutrons decayed,
but in deuterons stayed
for all time and today are still found.
"
"a physicist-priest, palmer amelie,
was pithy, and preached dalai lama-ly:
""don't travel too fast ?
you'll lose track of your past!""
it was palmer's anomaly homily.
"
"when your brain is relaxed, its default
mode's a network that never will halt,
and the traffic explodes
twixt its multiple nodes
when you daydream of melon with salt.
"
"a cell's chemotactic ability
depends on its having motility.
with chemokinesis
the motion increases:
utility stems from agility.
"
"so this compound is antiperiplanar?
though i'm bright, it's not quite a no-brainer
how a molecule's tangles
of torsional angles
are named.  i am feeling no saner.
"
"can i tell if you've broken a bone?
first i grab you and stifle your groan.
if i hear a break grating
that's crepitus, stating
""your methods are hard to condone!""
"
"from cyclo-, its shape is a ring,
and from -hexane, a six-carbon thing.
blurry ring-flipping flair
morphs from ""boat"" into ""chair""
and then back, like a hummingbird's wing.
"
"anastigmats, invented at zeiss,
made photography ever so nice,
solving three aberrations
at once; now vacations
are trials with a lifeless device.
"
"amphisbaena's a plumber's mistake
in the form of a mythical snake:
on the north end, a mouth,
and again on the south.
with no exits, his stomach would break.
"
"the elliptical galaxies are
nice and smooth, lacking arms or a bar.
some are dwarfs, others giants;
they challenge our science
to figure out  features bizarre.
"
"when the french conquered england, some knew
they could write all the histories, too.
see the normans and god
spilling blood on the sod
in the tapestry made in bayeux.
"
"on landscapes where craters are found,
all the stuff blasted out of the ground
makes what you'd expect: a
new coat of ejecta
laid down on each crater's surround.
"
"if you say ""m16"", that's the same
as ""the eagle"", the nebula's name,
where the hubble, far-sighted,
saw pillars, well lighted
by stars that are newly aflame.
"
"a photon's a quantum of light
which is countable. count some! you might
on a sun-dappled stroll
count as high as a mole:
that's an einstein (a grower's delight).
"
"coordinate-based calculation
is eased by the einstein notation.
it's short and so sweet:
see an index repeat?
all its values are meant for summation!
"
"in nature, oft silver and gold
are together alloyed, and of old
this electrum was prized,
though with content revised
so that coins would be cheaper to mold.
"
"as chandler discovered, the poles
periodically take little strolls.
due to changes in oceans,
their wobbly motions
disrupt missile targeting goals.
"
"their project's abrupt termination
leads our contract to sad degradation.
that which once was bestowed
we are no longer owed.
is it breach? no, just deobligation.
"
"he's as down-home as biscuits and marge,
but lyle lovett knows how to take charge.
his folk-gospelly style
misses swing by a mile,
so his band isn't big, though it's large.
"
"the derailleur that covers five gears
is no match for the force of five beers.
though the chain smoothly shifts,
after alcohol's gifts
the poor bicycle totters and veers.
"
"immunodeficiency's wired
(in the syndrome that's known as acquired)
to dodge every cure,
while its victims are sure
that they're sick of being damned, sick, and tired.
"
"one root produced more than one word:
two routes of descent have occurred.
fragile chef by the fire,
or frail chief on a pyre,
such doublets make english absurd.
"
"that your love is eternal, i've trusted.
whence twins, and fraternal? we lusted.
your frolics erotic
left clues dizygotic
and heteropaternal! you're busted!
"
"i can lighten a bit of a print
in a darkroom exposure, by dint
of some dodging. it's neat,
but it's hard to repeat,
and the quality's best when i stint.
"
"my sweetie is nearly eleven
and soon may precede me to heaven.
too young? it's no puzzle;
there's grey on her muzzle:
in dog years, she's 77!
"
"microtubules compose the flagella
in microbes, e.g., salmonella.
ultrastructural hairs
join in doublets (nine pairs)
like the ribs in a folded umbrella.
"
"with pointers both forwards and back,
a doubly linked list doesn't lack
for a way to traverse:
go ahead, or reverse.
either end can append and can whack.
"
"from this alicorn flagon, each dawn,
alexiterical potions i've drawn.
these theriacal simples
should keep away pimples.
contagion and poison, begone!
"
"this stereocenter is small;
you won't find it bethronged at the mall.
it is chiral?a place
where two groups, swapped in space,
turn what's left into right, and that's all.
"
"in its golden age, sci-fi was proud;
now those covers seem garish and loud.
bug-eyed monsters attack
and our women fight back,
nearly naked, and richly endowed.
"
"my armoire is capacious and grand,
but not used as its makers had planned:
there's no clothing inside.
i, myself, there abide.
come for tea (if you're willing to stand)!
"
"a cannon that has a dispart
will make aiming less science than art.
if a gunner'd elect
such a breach to correct,
a dispart-sight's a passable start.
"
"a gibberish, babel, and din,
brays out from the hole by your chin.
outlandish, estranged,
one might say it's deranged,
when your speech is a base baragouin.
"
"i'm a fogy. a fossil. a codger.
i've a darkroom, and still use a dodger.
till my final repose
i will deftly expose;
after that, they'll make room for a lodger.
"
"two lenses, one flint and one crown,
form the doublet, design of renown.
modern achromats vie
with the trilobite eye
in the way aberration's kept down.
"
"a doublet of garnet and glass
is a bauble attempting to pass
as a valuable gem
that we choose to condemn
because ""cheaper"" equates to ""low class.""
"
"the watchmaking cr?me de la cr?me
are the swiss, and from hairspring to stem
when they measure a distance
with rigid consistence,
the unit's a simple douzi?me.
"
"though it took me some moments to muster
an experienced sky-watcher's bluster,
in the darkness i said,
""over perseus's head!
naked eye! saw his big double cluster.""
"
"you're a braggart: your boastings will fail,
just as words, before deeds, always pale.
bobadillian bluster
is all you can muster:
when faced with a foe, you turn tail.
"
"when ragnarok comes, an alliance
of aesir will battle the giants,
and each asa will grin,
though there's no way to win,
facing death with a fierce, fey defiance.
"
"when i passed through the orbital plane
of the comet, what boggled my brain
was the antitail spike
pointing sunward, unlike
other tails i could glibly explain.
"
"if he's good, there is never enough,
so a baker must learn to be tough.
before dawn he kneads dough
in a wide wooden trough
til his palms start to blister and slough.
"
"when i speak of a month that's draconic
or nodal, the moon in its chronic
return to the dragon
precesses, thus laggin'
by fractions not simply harmonic.
"
"with a*, you start at a node
and do pathfinding (maybe by road),
and it never gets lost!
finds the path with least cost!
and it usually doesn't explode!
"
"though dorado's not famous for size,
there's a sight for astronomers' eyes
where it swims round the pole:
lmc (not the whole)
is a jewel of southerly skies.
"
"he is more than the sum of his parts ?
more than tissues and neurons and farts.
this emergentist thinks
he is networks and links,
and beyond all reductionists' arts.
"
"there's a story that's certain to please,
drenched in sun, often tossed in the breeze.
though over already,
its heights are quite heady:
emergents, the tallest of trees.
"
"too dear for the value returned
was the fuel the vienna lamp burned.
blowing clear, bellied glass
as a trade would soon pass,
and the future of oil few discerned.
"
"elongation (i can't tell you why)
means the angle one sees on the sky
between object and sun,
and a minimal one
makes observing it tough on your eye.
"
"when a journalist says he's embedded,
you're likely to know where he's headed:
he's looking for scoops
as he stays with the troops,
saying prayers that his unit's not shredded.
"
"el ni?o? i feel like a fool ?
which way does it go? as a rule
for the yankees it's dry,
while in dixie, where i
am residing, it's wetter and cool.
"
"some emitters were bright, being hot,
and others were dull, being not.
this vacuum-tube knowledge
my dad learned in college
is mostly archaic, i wot.
"
"half an hour till caffeine takes effect...
i pull over, lean back, and reflect.
a caffeine nap's ideal!
i'll return to the wheel
well refreshed! and my car won't be wrecked!
"
"seek elysium, isles of the blessed,
at the ends of the seas in the west.
there, by homer's report,
once-dead heroes disport
and will never grow bored or depressed.
"
"while, for rhyme's sake, i supped minestrone,
i learned that my friend is a brony.
he's not gay, and yet proud
to belong to the crowd
that's the fandom for my little pony.
"
"the dorado, or dolphinfish, schools
near hawaii. fine menus it rules;
mahimahi is used
so it won't be confused
with the mammal by soft-hearted fools.
"
"it's chitin that takes up the strains
so that life in our biosphere reigns,
from the arthropods' armors
to champignon farmers,
in long polysaccaride chains.
"
"if inquisitors felt like a bake,
or they judged that your doctrines were fake,
with your sins cleansed away
in an auto-da-f?,
for your good you'd be burned at the stake.
"
"though it takes little wit to write doggerel,
and a marsh is symphonic with froggerel,
the abapical shows
(they're the lowest of lows)
have commercials that shill me with hoggerel.
"
"it was launched from a firm unimpeached.
when it sank, the survivors beseeched
of the grand steamship line
how, by fluke or design,
every watertight bulkhead was breached!
"
"old sailors would typically warn
of the passage just south of cape horn
that the english named drake.
it was likely to take
every hand, leaving widows to mourn.
"
"the uranus epsilon ring
is a dusky, moon-shepherded thing,
so impressively thin,
layered structure within,
like a lei for the starry sky king.
"
"earth's layer of ozone we treasure,
but how can a scientist measure
its thickness? i choose
mr dobson's du's.
at 300, i'm tanning with pleasure.
"
"if you measured my hairs on two days
of their follicles' anagen phase,
you'd conclude on the strength
of an increase in length
that they flourished (but what's with the grays?).
"
"there are clues a foe gladly employs
when your tech emits radio noise.
leaking elint at length
reveals actions and strength,
letting enemies target your boys.
"
"some months after serious stress
finds my follicles under duress.
they're in telogen phase,
and effluvium days
lead to shedding. my hair is a mess.
"
"microprocessors shouldn't be dreaded;
these systems are widely embedded.
but my phone and my car
won't reveal where they are:
they've eloped and won't say where they're headed!
"
"a transistor's a three-legged critter;
each leg has a title to fit 'er.
shunting charges or holes,
these electrodes serve roles:
a collector, a base, an emitter.
"
"if y-squared equals a x plus b
plus x-cubed,  then this shape you will see:
a curve that's elliptic,
with powers so cryptic
i use it to make me a key.
"
"we exposed all our kids to the best,
to fine music and food, without rest.
but it's parenting hell
that our children rebel
by their choices of what to detest.
"
"the weather reporter disclosed
that when not at her station, enclosed,
she braved hurricanes, sleet,
and unbearable heat:
to the elements, she was exposed.
"
"you wanted to set an example,
row spacing and water were ample.
your chickens won't grow?
it's obvious! (though,
to be safe, you should send a soil sample.)
"
"although autoexposure seems slick
(you just point, maybe focus, and click),
my bread and my butter
was f/stop and shutter.
the camera took over? i'm sick.
"
"i'd feel safer if scaly and finned:
on high seas, in this boat, i'm chagrined.
i might later turn tail
from the teeth of the gale;
now, my bow's to the eye of the wind.
"
"at the end of the rope, dad created
a loop, and didactically stated,
""...makes most of the length,
while preserving its strength,
if the eye splice is carefully plaited.""
"
"the hands on your clock slowly traipse
every time that the gear train escapes.
the escapement's fine rocking
rules impulse and locking
through clever constraining of shapes.
"
"fuse ammonium onto a phene:
the result is a phenylamine.
with this aniline, dye,
or produce mdi
for your floor's polyurethane sheen.
"
"when, in fortran, a coder writes ""do"",
then some lines for the code to loop through,
execution repeats
till an index completes.
(when it's stuck, your computer turns blue.)
"
"catalonia's nativity group
isn't quite the traditional troop.
far from manger and hay
there's a strange caganer:
it's a figure who's squatting to poop.
"
"in some bombs and reactors, they made
some einsteinium. atoms decayed;
no control could get smart
and save ninety-nine's heart
from a radioactive cascade.
"
"down the milky way's lambence, a vein
made of darkness, the subtle dust lane,
scribes a line in the night
to astronomers' sight:
it's the penciled-in galaxy plane.
"
"you cattails and rushes love muds
where the earth periodically floods.
you're emergent; why care
if a pond is down there,
when your stalk's high and dry with your buds?
"
"there's a buttress supporting a wall,
paradoxically, after the fall.
when they claim that it's flying,
i fear they are trying
to pull the wool over us all.
"
"any glimmers of hope in my trouble
are faint, out of reach of the hubble.
i'll pretend that i'm fine
with three liters of wine.
that's a magnum; no, wait ? it's a double.
"
"thank einstein, podolsky, and rosen;
their paradox ends by proposin'
qm's not complete!
we must beat a retreat!
now some other regime must be chosen!
"
"at solar eclipses, one needs
to take photos at varying speeds.
for corona's faint hues,
long exposures you'll choose,
but far shorter to catch baily's beads.
"
"if a star gets too bright (you can't dim it)
which implies it's too big (you can't slim it),
then gas gives the slip
to mere gravity's grip.
just how much? that's the eddington limit.
"
"the eddington model's about
how the energy only gets out
radiatively; thus,
there's no need to discuss
any stellar-convectional route.
"
"'twas the marquess of montagu's plan
to extend his nobility's span,
but in battle he fell,
and attainder, as well,
left the title extinct, like the man.
"
"at extinction depth, roots are not able
to drink from the ground-water table.
as the table descends,
for a plant that depends
on that water, survival's unstable.
"
"when in light or em radiation
the e-field describes a rotation
that's clockwise (or not),
then the light that you've got
shows elliptical polarization.
"
"after hurricane season's repose,
then the aliz? steadily blows
with a wonderful coolness,
a whisper of yuleness,
and trade that dependably flows.
"
"to the culture we call the adena,
the ohio was home, not the lena,
and three thousand years past,
these artists made vast
and elaborate mounds their arena.
"
"it's at epigenetics' behest
that a cell's dna is expressed,
meaning traits are bestowed
that are outside the code ?
a bewildering, tangled bequest.
"
"naming egypt's deistic design,
the greek ennead merely meant nine.
and remembering all
would most certainly pall,
so this shorthand was simply divine.
"
"though an infrared lamp (dull emitter)
replaces a chicken-egg sitter,
i'd never conclude
that a motherless brood
is in mood, or in flavor, less bitter.
"
"of all eras, the cryptic's my fave.
over younger ones, others can rave.
the late cenozoic?
it leaves me quite stoic.
the ancient is more what i crave.
"
"what a dyson sphere really does well
is enclose: it's a spherical shell
or a satellite cloud
like a darkening shroud
round the sun. now, just where could we dwell?
"
"i'll define the besselian year,
though its uses may not be so clear.
when the sun in his arc
hits one longitude mark,
we will toast him with bubbly and beer.
"
"though the ice hasn't gnawed on us yet,
like a hart ringed with wolves, we're beset.
there's no way we can go
that's not blocked by a floe.
we are resolute; also, dead set.
"
"if your lotions and creams show decay,
there's a way to avoid your dismay:
benzylparahydroxy-
benzoate (sounds poxy)
holds myxomycetes at bay.
"
"i don't need a shrink's diagnosis.
my suicide's not a psychosis.
i'm a tiny red cell,
and for you to be well,
i must give up the ghost: eryptosis.
"
"cytopenic? with shortness of breath?
your blood counts are low, mary beth?
don't cry; you don't need to.
at worst it will lead to
transfusions. and (possibly) death.
"
"an earth-crossing asteroid's plight,
as it orbits the sun in its flight,
is a chance to collide
when it crosses inside,
which it hasn't done yet, but it might.
"
"but ptolemy's hand-winning ace
was, to kepler, a kludgey disgrace:
from the equant, a place
in the middle of space,
planets move at a uniform pace.
"
"apollonius' model was patched ?
epicyclical movements attached.
the position and speed
of each planet agreed
at a level, till then, never matched.
"
"were his listeners easily swayed
by the first tweak that ptolemy made,
that all deferents swirled
offset from the world?
the eccentric, their center, had strayed.
"
"geocentric, the very first notion,
from the simple earned simple devotion.
this model derailed
when it utterly failed
to account for the retrograde motion.
"
"from a stefan and boltzmann perspective,
stars' brightness is far from subjective:
it's the same you'd observe
from a black-body curve
with the temperature known as effective.
"
"this theorem by birkhoff got raves:
when a star that's collapsing behaves
like symmetrical balls,
if it falls or it stalls,
there are no gravitational waves.
"
"a sailor can't tell, though he tries,
his position by watching the skies.
chronometric tick-tocks
of john harrison's clocks
failed to win him the longitude prize.
"
"there are bones of the people who slipped,
or succumbed to the mumps, or just tripped.
we won't burn them; instead,
we are storing our dead
underground at the church, in a crypt.
"
"till your data's decrypted, paralysis
grips you. you try cryptanalysis.
what's too easy or hard
you'd do well to discard
as a kind of cerebral dialysis.
"
"coloration that serves to conceal
is for prey-species, nearly ideal.
but too cryptic a state
also hides from a mate,
which for darwin has little appeal.
"
"the cryptographers used to break codes
in their government-guarded abodes,
but today these clinicians
are mathematicians
protecting our credit-card lodes.
"
"where babylon stood on the shore,
ancient akkad had been long before,
and from sargon, the years
to the later wazirs
would amount to some two-hundred score.
"
"lacking flour for the night's manicotti,
i found maize, and an ancient metate.
with the masa ground fine
and more helpings of wine,
we won't mind the coarse texture and body.
"
"wash the grime from your hands, if you're able,
and remove that which smells of the stable.
i have slaved o'er this meal,
so don't spoil its appeal ?
best clean up, and then come to the table.
"
"heart racing, you wisely suspect
there's a chemical cause. you connect
the inhaled marijuana
and gulped belladonna
to strong chronotropic effect.
"
"silhouettes against dense stellar crowds,
the objects like clumped dusty shrouds
were to edward e. barnard,
the consummate star-nerd,
the be-all and end-all of clouds.
"
"it's a mythic embrace, but not gayness,
nor in space, gravitationally heinous.
as co-orbital moons
each in turn importunes:
epimetheus dances with janus.
"
"sincerely, eschewing facetiousness,
i'm glad for my species' dioeciousness.
were we not, as a male
i'd be searching for tail
from myself, in a circle of speciousness.
"
"please let me, my dear, disentangle
the language astronomers mangle:
the argument of
periapsis, my love,
is quite simply an orbital angle.
"
"with the epicycle's center revolving
on a deferent circle, we're solving
the retrograde snag,
but it's early to brag:
some errors still need some absolving.
"
"the sages taught ptolemy's spheres
for a thousand and three hundred years.
though it lasted for ages,
arrived at in stages,
to that model now no one adheres.
"
"corps-?-corps's never legal with foil,
nor for those who with sabers embroil,
but ?p?eists relax		
in their fencing attacks:
all's permitted, according to hoyle.
"
"on each cabriole leg of my chair,
there's a drake foot, or trifid, set square
on the floor. and no duck
was the model: it's struck
from a dragon's, that is, from thin air.
"
"she said, ""want to see my colure?""
and i thought she was less than demure.	
then she bared her armilla,
and left no scintilla
of reason to deem her impure.
"
"was nebuchadnezzar protean?
to iraqis, he merits a paean.
but captivity's thorn
filled the hebrews with scorn
for the dynasty named the chaldean.
"
"it's surprising, a cause for alarm,
when professions expose you to harm.
we should all be ashamed
at the victims, unnamed,
who were maimed before buying the farm.
"
"in cosmogeny circles, we dwell
on a law, and its hope to foretell
where the planets may lie,
though our experts now sigh
that for bode it just doesn't bode well.
"
"in electrodynamics, this notion
inspires an awe-struck devotion:
the electro-magnetic
is self-synergetic
when charges and fields are in motion.
"
"an erg is a sea made of sand,
like a dune field, but bigger and grand.
if the winds are so slow
that saltation's a ""no"",
it's a sheet that embraces the land.
"
"there is extant today, in this city,
a real babe! she exists! and she's pretty!
a woman so fine
that i'd think her divine
if we met. we have not, more's the pity.
"
"taking photos of mountains or brides
i used ektachrome film for my slides.
that's a thing of the past,
its reversal surpassed.
is there nothing that lasts, or abides?
"
"as an infant, the boy was exposed:
left to die in the wild. they supposed
they had won, but he thrived,
and when laius arrived,
saw the circle of prophecy closed.
"
"when a binary system's eclipsing,
two stars in their dizzy ellipsing
are hidden in turn;
there is much we can learn
from their brightness's rhythmical dipsing.
"
"in lenses, each element's glass
is ordered and grouped, to surpass
our best expectations,
remove aberrations,
and make every photo first class!
"
"if the sky drops 12 inches of rain
and there's no place for any to drain,
then the volume at hand
on each acre of land
is an acre-foot, simple and plain.
"
"extinction of starlight implies
it grows dimmer and red to your eyes,
and molecular clouds
are the tenebrous shrouds
where the radiance struggles and dies.
"
"here is dust, where there once was a lake,
and where people came daily to slake
many thirsts. would you think
our letting it shrink
until fully extinct, a mistake?
"
"my doom, like some play, was enacted
by beasts that my life's-blood attracted.
the timber-wolves blinked
while my remington plinked
till the fire went extinct. then they acted.
"
"northwestern survival is linked
to mountains' remaining distinct
without ash-clouds or flows.
a seattleite knows
that volcanos are best when extinct.
"
"the eclipse year's too-simply defined
as when sun, moon, and earth are aligned
and eclipse season's here.
some religions revere
such a time as divinely designed.
"
"when at last i'm a person of means
i'll be quit of all odorous greens,
but until that remote day
i'll choose epazote
to flavor my pot of black beans.
"
"an en is a half of one em;
it's a relative unit for them
that are printers; they snipe
at the absolute type,
whose ""six points"" they would quickly condemn.
"
"if a phone to ets i design,
just how many could pick up the line?
the equation by drake
tells the count: give or take
several powers of ten, i'd say ""nine""!
"
"what's an anaphylaxis protector
dispensed from an autoinjector?
epinephrine's the norm,
and in epipen form
takes a load off your funeral director.
"
"things have changed since your project began,
so you'd best not be glued to a plan.
when your methods are agile,
the outcome's less fragile;
your customer's often your fan.
"
"epigenesis sensibly holds
that development slowly unfolds
from an egg or a spore
to make tissues galore:
it rejects preformational molds.
"
"in my room in wisconsin i know
(as the tubes in my radio glow)
that conditions are right
for dxing tonight
when i pick up a little rock show.
"
"use eyebright, you herbalist jerk?
it's a flower, not something from merck!
it's alternative medicine
likely to get us in
trouble ? not proven to work.
"
"kepler's orbital elements (six)
for an orbit in space will transfix
every freedom degree,
so the planet must be
at the point that the model predicts.
"
"i got praise for the a's that i earned,
but when later, for a's, i was spurned,
my conditioned response
became bored nonchalance.
in extinction, a pattern's un-learned.
"
"since my writing's confined to a zone
(with some letters uniquely my own),
it's in fact epichoric,
like greeks who spoke doric
in corinth (though not as well-known).
"
"""the congress is poised to betray!""
""the pope likes to watch cabaret!""
(i'm up against deadlines;
my tabloid needs headlines
announcing a big expos?.)
"
"though imperfect, the deuteromycota
as fungi do more than their quota.
from infections to cheese
they both vex us and please.
are they sexual? not an iota.
"
"as an embryo, when i was natant,
potential imagined but latent,
my earliest skull
was unbearably dull:
desmocranium, tiny but patent.
"
"the epoch 2000 implies
to astronomers seeking a prize
that a sage could correct
for precession's effect
and then find the right spot in the skies.
"
"if you ever co-authored with paul
then your number is lower than all
who co-authored with you
(since their number is ""2""),
and so on and so forth, et al.
"
"like boethius, post-condemnation,
seek solace in deep meditation.
though waiting for death,
while you yet can draw breath,
in philosophy, find consolation.
"
"at aphelion, like it or not,
a planet traverses a spot
that's the farthest away
from the solar display ?
which is, far and away, not so hot.
"
"old enceladus orbiting saturn
pukes up like a wine-sotted slattern.
does he think it's benign,
spewing geysers of brine
in an annulate vomity pattern?
"
"when the church couldn't get the straight dope,
two regions each chose their own pope.
though reasons were scanty,
one pope became ""anti"";
the vatican cancelled his cope.
"
"a falling-star teased at my eye;
meteorically fast, it flashed by.
my opinion is strong:
the professors are wrong.
you think rocks really drop from the sky?
"
"i, with darkroom technology buy-in,
shine yellow, magenta, and cyan
with a head that's dichroic.
seems paleozoic?
this craft, i will silver and dye in!
"
"one aix is a genus of duck,
that dabbles for goodies to suck.
eight aixes, perchance,
if you're traveling in france
are supplied with hot springs: you're in luck!
"
"look at ethyne, a compound with class,
also known as acetylene gas.
all chemists are fond
of its strong triple bond,
but miners now give it a pass.
"
"the aegir's a bore that is tidal,
a surge where the river was idle.
it's not at all odd
that it names the sea god
since its actions can be homicidal.
"
"it's a soliton wave, nothing more,
but on meeting a true tidal bore,
if the god of the sea
turns your boat to debris,
you'll be drowned in the aegir's loud roar.
"
"if extrinsic, a variable star
has behavior not quite as bizarre
as some others; its dips
are produced by eclipse
or a rotating glimpse of a scar.
"
"simple alkanes and alkenes are strings
of carbons ? plain linear things.
an ""-ene"" is no trouble:
one bond is a double,
and alkyne a triple bond brings.
"
"""arthur eddington, you're a rare bird,
one of only three men, so i've heard,
who has mastered the thought
albert einstein has wrought.""
he looked puzzled. ""why, who is the third?""
"
"his behavior was, frankly, revolting ?
an archangel brawling is jolting.
though i may go to hell,
from the coverts that fell
i would reason that michael is molting.
"
"in the chem-lab, a typical task
is a cinch with an erlenmeyer flask.
narrow neck takes its place
over conical base;
for solutions, what more could you ask?
"
"if your telescope's axis is boreal,
it's droll that it's called equatorial.
just why is it droll?
'cause it points at the pole!
and that's different, since time immemorial!
"
"all the planets play orbital sounds,
but alinda's fine footwork astounds.
with the earth, she's sublime
in quadrennial time,
all while waltzing to jupiter's rounds.
"
"i've a list of disaster and doom,
and i'm filled with foreboding and gloom.
apohele space-rocks
can't give earth-killing shocks;
now my list has a little more room.
"
"add a prayer to your mumblings matin
that we never encounter an aten,
and reflect while you're flossing,
these rocks, if earth-crossing,
our civilization could flatten.
"
"poor rudolph (the ungulate flyer)
had a bout of st. anthony's fire:
with his shiny red nose
(you could say that it glows),
he was santa's most fortunate hire.
"
"old ephemeris time seemed sublime,
more precise than the sun's daily climb.
but then cesium clocks
surpassed orbiting rocks,
now condemned for disorganized time.
"
"epicurus, oft misunderstood,
named pleasure a man's highest good,
but was quick to explain
he meant peace, without pain,
not to get a nice piece when you could.
"
"from the klondike, a shipload of gold
reached the south, and a fever took hold.
miners rushed in a mass
to ascend chilkoot pass,
but the news was already too old.
"
"we think angrite, from meteor stock,
is the oldest known igneous rock.
first its asteroid melted,
then shattered when pelted.
in rio, it came as a shock.
"
"i'm a serious radiosport player
and the e region answers my prayer,
for it fades with the day
as its ions decay
in the kennelly-heaviside layer.
"
"you're a deuterostome (yes, it's true),
and an enterocoelomate, too.
think your phylum is cursed
'cause your anus formed first?
is an octopus better than you?
"
"from magazine, corporate-glossy,
came fanzine, informal and saucy.
when it goes electronic,
a zine's supersonic,
and mailing an e-zine's less lossy.
"
"he inherited a from his dad,
and his mom gave a b to her lad.
would mendel have guessed
that both phenes are expressed?
with codominance, blood can be plaid.
"
"back in time i came, married my mum,
and she's pregnant with me in her tum.
back again, changed my sex.
was i oedipus rex?
where's a boy who's his mom really from?
"
"i see algae adapting with ease;
i see light in precambrian seas;
i see chlorophyll driving
the biosphere's thriving.
my mom sees the stains on my knees.
"
"if you harvest, or hunt for, or marry it,
then it's likely as not a eukaryote,
since a nucleus dwells
within each of its cells.
i approve of this scheme, so why vary it?
"
"there are nerds who are sexual neuters,
yet eagerly wooed by recruiters.
they're led down this path
by the language of math,
and use fortran to mate with computers.
"
"""is eutectoid the same as eutectic?""
my part in this prof's dialectic
was meant to be stolid.
""the phases in solid
solutions are rather less hectic.""
"
"anno mundi's the age of the world
for believers whose science is furled
in a biblical shroud.
they're a literal crowd;
their position is fetally curled.
"
"""is it tuesday? all day, 'less it rains.""
i'm perplexed, and he almost explains:
""just like rhyming slang's funny,
on sunday, it's sunny.
i cant."" my confusion remains.
"
"get a probe to l2, and then nudge it,
but it's tricky, so carefully judge it.
no matter your goal,
with chaotic control,
we can pilot you there on a budget.
"
"three medieval estates were professed
(first the clergy, then lords, and the rest).
as the fourth estate now
wielding power somehow,
would the press be the lowest, or best?
"
"it's a clue to a new population
when syrup shows anomerization.
that's when polarized light
that was twisted to right
shifts some more (so-called mutarotation).
"
"to a joker, it stimulates yucks ?
""got the trots? or the runs?"" ? but it sucks.
it can kill you, this flow,
and it's no way to go:
diarrhea, or quaintly, the flux.
"
"in a canyon, while munching on neccos,
i shout, ""hey!"", and i listen for echos;
and with cross-correlation
(delayed integration)
i filter out stridulent geckos.
"
"would you say only pleasure is good?
cyrenaic philosophers would.
i am wrongly disgraced
by my choices (unchaste):
they're hellenic! i'm misunderstood!
"
"in an atom, as in a souffl?,
an excited state tends to decay:
it collapses towards ground,
whence a quantum, outbound,
will be found quickly flying away.
"
"i'm a wonderful thing; i'm your skin.
in your embryo, where i begin,
i'm a cutis plate, smack
on your knobbly back.
i'll be keeping your insides tucked-in!
"
"the hubble, in sensitive pix,
spotted charon, and hydra, and nix.
ever charon stares in
as 'round pluto they spin,
in the kuiper belt, out in the sticks.
"
"the chromospheric, my favorite one
of the layers that make up the sun,
at totality shines
like immense neon signs
shouting, ""look! a few minutes of fun!""
"
"in my hunger to make a few bucks,
i am hampered, and here is the crux:
it rises, then sinks,
smells sweetly, then stinks ?
the market is always in flux.
"
"in my programming language addiction
i left sunlight and friendships and fiction,
and never looked back.
i just played with my stack,
writing forth with compulsive conviction.
"
"those painters we judge to be best
can control where attention will rest.
i learned this tuition;
in my composition
the focal point's always a breast.
"
"when crepuscular rays have been spun
in a cloud-dappled haze, one by one,
ghostly lines are made fast
to a tall, unseen mast:
they're the backstays that rise to the sun.
"
"though its name suggests poisonous thrills,
when excitotoxicity kills,
it's your neurons that die
from a glutamate high.
the result? neurological ills.
"
"it's not long since the cosmos began it;
astronomers doggedly scan it.
in the fish, it's the mouth
where it shines in the south.
bright fomalhaut might have a planet!
"
"the b stars are brilliant and bluish.
you know when you see one it's newish.
a galaxy charms
with her blued spiral arms.
that the blue is from b stars is true(ish).
"
"an astronomer measures a distance
with a modulus. here's some assistance:
if it goes up by five,
then he'll proudly derive
a removed-ten-times-farther existence.
"
"from a carbon star, cinders will blow,
and the photosphere's ruby-red glow
in my spectrograph scans
shows molecular bands:
they are swan's, in a fleeting tableau.
"
"look at vega or deneb with care,
and then sirius. what do they share?
they're the same spectral class.
if you know it, you'll pass
with grade a like these stars, i declare!
"
"the cryptographist's wits, with some leisure
deciphered a code, and could measure
the spot to find gold.
but this tale left me cold ?
just what kind of a fool buries treasure?
"
"on the lee side of mountains, you learn
to respect an occasional foehn:
winds hotter and dryer
urge forests to fire.
you'd hate to get caught in a burn.
"
"as a tourist in rome, i whined, ""jeez!
these pizzas ain't got any cheese!""
the chef winked, ""i gotcha!
not pizza ? focaccia!""
new jersey does better than these!
"
"the fluence is flux over time,
and the reason i care is that i'm
feeling somewhat morose
after catching a dose.
it's a radiotherapy crime.
"
"""a jansky?"" i ask with a glower.
my student refuses to cower.
""f.u.!"" he asserts,
""watts per meter-squared hertz,
over ten to the 26th power.""
"
"when eros drops by, that's erotic,
but what if your bent's ... astronautic?
our touch in slow-motion
was purely erotian,
and, like it or not, was robotic.
"
"the beauty she hungered to keep
was endymion, herder of sheep.
such a beautiful thing,
for selene, was king,
so she kept him forever ? asleep.
"
"ancient romans imagined while boating
the nymph named egeria floating.
so, perhaps tongue in cheek,
now her name will bespeak
that an asteroid's suffering bloating.
"
"also known as st. anthony's fire,
erysipelas rashes are dire.
the bright crimson skin
shows where strep burrowed in.
if untreated, some victims expire.
"
"when a freezing eruption will gush
neither ashes nor lava, but slush,
it's a cryovolcano
(think titan, not plano),
a near-liquid-nitrogen rush.
"
"when erythropoiesis abated,
to a horrible death she was fated.
fewer red cells were formed.
as she faded, i stormed.
this was not what we dreamed when we mated.
"
"to the writers who focus on grue
and whose characters suck and then chew
till we're drained of all blood:
you're whole genre's a dud.
i would rather exsanguinate you!
"
"if you apricate often outside,		
over-bask in the sun till you're fried,
though your skin will be tan,
while it won't be your plan,
you'll wind up with a leathery hide.
"
"as i shaved, his ""more gray!"" was succinct.
""more distinguished!"" i smiled, and i winked.
for my boy, a new word;
so he thought, and inferred,
""does it mean you are growing extinct?""
"
"my face becomes clammy and waxen
whenever i open my jackson;
i know no occasions
where maxwell's equations
are clearer than scribbled west saxon.
"
"""don't expose them."" i waved at her hand.
as a lesson, i'd crush her, i planned.
when she played her fourth queen
(where's the flush that i'd seen?!),
the end was like custer's last stand.
"
"when this tidal bore bears down on thee,
you'll be eager the aegir to flee.
if the maritime god
strikes your vessel roughshod,
you'll feel aegir's long reach from the sea.
"
"when, in logic, a statement insists
that, within some domain, there exists
some value, just then shall
a quantifier, existential,
be of what our assertion consists.
"
"my enlarger (dichroic diffuser)
is a spirit of light, and i use her
for sacred escapes
out of negative shapes
into prints; when they're through, i excuse her.
"
"in an alkene, one bond is a double:
just a chain, but its name can be trouble.
there's a double? that's fun,
but exactly which one?
biochemistry's bursting my bubble!
"
"what temperature might a thing be
to produce any hue that we see?
if it's bluer, we're taught
that the body's more hot,
and that color implies the degree.
"
"""they are near!"" ""no, they're far!"" the didactic
astronomers knew of no tactic
to resolve their impasse
about spirals of gas:
were these nebulae extragalactic?
"
"if, in phase space, i lack specificity,
and wander with equal felicity
and nowhere abhor,
though you'd call me a bore,
you'd agree i possess ergodicity.
"
"my philosophy's noble, not crappy,
so why your indictment, so snappy?
""eudaemonist, you!""
this is nothing that's new ?
i'm considering how to be happy.
"
"since my heart misses beats, i've begun
using antiarrhythmics, class i.
i take conquinine first
(it's just quinine, reversed),
but the side-effects aren't any fun.
"
"champollion swore he'd not be outdone,
so he taught himself coptic for fun
and went straight to the marrow:
the name of the pharaoh
reads ""re"" for the glyph of the sun.
"
"in the noosphere, notions will play
while they're new, but the old ones decay.
but the cosmosphere's neat?
real matter and heat.
(that's what folks in the blogosphere say.)
"
"so-called gooseberries near coromandel,
the tart star fruit is tricky to handle.
for with lipitor's use,
the carambola's juice
can extinguish your heart like a candle.
"
"aspiration's a wish to rise higher,
but its other sense often is dire.
suck in wieners (or tongues),
and you'll plug up your lungs,
and at best you'll aspire to retire.
"
"a curious abecedarian
consulted a lettered librarian.
""what's the term, if you please,
for 'pertaining to bees'?
is it bee-ish?""  ""no, see apiarian.""
"
"a chalder's an eighth of a keel,
but i question this unit's appeal.
forty bushels of buns,
or if coal, then three tons,
is, for carrying, less than ideal.
"
"though at first he cried out ""o fortuna!"",
in france he became a kahuna.
he deserves our acclaim,
so in arago's name
there are craters on mars and on luna.
"
"louis agassiz loved to explain
how the glaciers had shaped the terrain
(divine machinations
for god's re-creations),
and darwinists argued in vain.
"
"rome's architects, not like some amateurs,
treat space-between-column parameters
with passionate zest,
saying eustyle is best,
using two-and-a-quarter diameters.
"
"pere becquerel studied power release;
then the quest passed from father to fils.
when it passed once again,
it presented to men
the conundrum of nuclear peace.
"
"the admiral's men played the rose
'til the globe upped and trod on their toes.
ned allen inspired,
took a bow and retired,
then for fortune re-donned actor's clothes.
"
"though roses, misnamed, smell as sweet,
when the globe put up shows down the street,
the rose itself withered,
its timbers were shivered,
and the admiral's men smelled defeat.
"
"current models are not without flaw;
we zapped rocks, and resistance we saw.
how our fortunes have turned!
oh the billions we've earned,
by our fudging of old archie's law.
"
"when i'm not doing math, i'll extoll
all the functions of taking a stroll,
out with cauchy, my hound,
who, while sniffing around,
leaves the residue found at each pole.
"
"plate tectonics will deftly explain
how the foundering crust can sustain
every floating plateau
up above, and below
in the mantle, a crystalline rain.
"
"in this island's distinct population,
we are marked by a founder mutation.
every daughter and son
is descended from one
who was prone to prolonged estivation.
"
"i am never the underachiever
and toil in the fumes like a beaver,
but i fear i may break:
every monday i shake
with the ague of foundryman's fever.
"
"my house has been foundering low,
and i wonder how deep it will go.
what was once the ground floor
can't be seen any more
as we sink in the ocean of snow.
"
"when the beds underneath disappear,
the result is expected and clear:
foundered strata collapse.
do they grumble? perhaps...
when it last happened, no one was near.
"
"the baldwin effect can divine
just how brightly a quasar should shine,
which by chance or design
anticorrelates fine
with the width of a carbon-iv line.
"
"we'll be taking your house and your stuff;
get out now or we're gonna get rough.
you're today's disseizee,
so we'll take what we see;
we're just bad guys who can't get enough.
"
"dear sucker, i made you a star;
without me you would not have gone far.
i was not on the level ?
you signed with the devil.
demoniacally yours, your b?te noire.
"
"i'm a limerick about discompose.
do not scatter or shuffle my rows,
unsettle or jumble,
dislocate or tumble,
or stuff all my words up your nose.
"
"my delineature got a rave
in most every speech that i gave.
my company traffics
in iconographics;
it's slide shows and spreadsheets we crave.
"
"as my knighthood began to get stale,
i surveyed for a trade to avail.
so to pass as a farmer
i took off my armor;
to do that i had to dismail.
"
"you've decided to smoke cigarettes?
that's about as insane as it gets.
suck a stick of tobacco?
you're way beyond wacko.
you'll die and i'll send my regrets.
"
"""you're perverted!"" hear marsha recite.
""you're degenerous, rotten, you're blight!
you're debauched and bad luck,
you're a retrograde shmuck!""
hear john murmur, ""no nookie tonight.""
"
"your decurionate wants a repair;
that's your office, no need to despair.
you're in charge of ten guys,
so just get the supplies
and command them re when, what and where.
"
"you poor mousie, i knew you were doomed,
in a sinewy coil entombed.
i convey consolation
for your devoration:
my python your carcass consumed.
"
"disinfestants will kill a big pest,
like a bug or a mouse in his nest.
disinfectants the same,
but for much smaller game,
like amoebas and germs you detest.
"
"will you tell me now, how did it feel
when your lover confessed she's disleal?
it burned like hot oil
to learn she's disloyal
and six hundred years old!  that's surreal.
"
"did you listen to what people said?
to the er you go to de-lead.
you ate paint off the ceiling
and now you are feeling
effects lead can have on your head.
"
"you'll remember cain, abel, eve, adam,
the first children, the first sir and madam.
eve 'n' adam asked god
to please give them the nod:
beget kids ? so they went out and had 'em.
"
"when she says she loves him and loves you,
when her heart is divided in two,
she's your great tell-it-straight
diplocardiac mate.
50-50 your union pulls through.
"
"cocoa solids, cacao, cocoa powder:
john gave marsha the dosage allowed her.
marsha managed to sputter,
""i want cocoa butter!""
""too fatty!"" john hollered and cowed her.
"
"john and marsha have such a proclivity
to wander from true exclusivity,
they stopped counting lies
and averting their eyes;
they've agreed to allow deceptivity.
"
"john and marsha were dating but chaste.
one dark evening john's hand was misplaced.
he started to goose her,
so marsha, detrusor,
threw john in a tank full of waste.
"
"see the cookmaid work under the cook.
she's not doing her job by the book.
on the table she's laid ?
i see spilled lemonade.
here's the keyhole ? come on, take a look.
"
"my deliveress brought me a cow;
she delivered it i don't know how.
i tipped her of course ?
i brought her a horse,
so i'm her deliverer now.
"
"did you know you're dichogamous, boy?
here's a shock and a change you'll enjoy.
take a peek in the glass ?
see that cute little ass?
bye-bye paris ? hi, helen of troy.
"
"come admire my beautiful doormat;
observe its rectangular format.
its surface you'll use
to wipe crap off your shoes.
you're not welcome here if you ignore that.
"
"say hello to the desinent five;
they're the words that keep limericks alive.
it's the rhymes at the end
with which we contend ?
five, alive, end, contend ? to survive.
"
"late last night all that drink got us high.
did i leave without saying goodbye?
but i needed at last
to diluviate fast:
hence the river that ran down my thigh.
"
"what's called dangle- or tangle- or huckle-?
they are names for a berry! i chuckle.
they are dark-blue or black ?
why not take home a pack?
if you don't want to eat them, some duck'll.
"
"i was chewing a big piece of gum,
and i knew that you'd ask me for some.
it's not under your chair,
and it's not in your hair;
the depositum's stuck to your bum.
"
"to depolish means take off the shine
from an object or something that's fine:
make a slick surface worse,
or degrade a good verse
to make too many syllables in a line.
"
"poor marsha will break with her guy.
she will go to new zealand and cry.
perhaps timbuktu ?
well, she might visit you.
but for john, we all know it's goodbye.
"
"they're disciplelike, do as i do.
they all follow me, sticking like glue.
see them copy each comma;
they think i'm their mama.
come join us ? there's room for you too.
"
"""john runs races ? he's slow as molasses;
he's getting bad grades in his classes.""
hear marsha constate
that her guy's second-rate,
but she loves him ? in her eyes he passes.
"
"some transitions remain unexplained.
was your sudden departure ordained?
were you feeling enclosed
or too highly exposed?
are you happier now, disenchained?
"
"hallelujah, yea glory and glory!
my mate is diovulatory.
her egg-zaggeration
rates double ovation
and twins at the end of the story.
"
"disproperty me if you can.
i will vacate and live in a van.
if you burn down my palace
with forethought and malice,
i'll end up right where i began.
"
"that big burger was wonderfully yummy;
now chlorhydria makes you feel crummy.
yes, it sure hurts like hell ?
it's too much hcl;
you should neutralize bad acid tummy.
"
"the corpse in my yard's decomposed;
there is no cause of death diagnosed.
putrefaction and rot
likely isn't worth squat
to the cops, so i think it's case closed.
"
"when there's beautiful music liturgical,
in context of services clergical,
i'd cut short the sermon
if i could determine
the best anesthesia surgical.
"
"galileo could tell you the hour
by the diadrom, pendulum power:
the size of the swing
doesn't alter a thing.
he gave birth to the clock in the tower.
"
"please don't tell me i'm omar khayyam,
and don't holler at me to stay calm.
to call me a persian
brings on disconcertion.
and how do i know you're my mom?
"
"my baby chose cutinization;
she thinks it will cause a sensation.
she'll have a tough skin
to protect what's within,
with her water-repellent foundation.
"
"oh too bad, now you pissed off the pope.
with your mischief he'll no longer cope.
he'll decardinalize!
you'll be one of those guys
who have slipped down a slippery slope.
"
"john is twenty and marsha's thirteen;
their relationship's causing a scene.
they agree it's commutual;
that prob'ly won't suit you all.
they consent but the jury looks mean.
"
"from the language of thinking machines
where the bits tend to come in sixteens,
you must first decompile
to read if, then, or while,
and to learn what the code really means.
"
"though early-type stars appear bluer
and typically tend to be newer,
do not be misled:
they don't slide towards red
as they age. they are also much fewer.
"
"cosmic rays tend to come from the west,
not the east; this effect can attest
to their positive charge:
guided clockwise at large,
all the paths through the earth are suppressed.
"
"alfonso, the one they called wise,
hired sages to study the skies.
those ptolemy geeks
published tables of tweaks
to predict when the planets should rise.
"
"though it's based on the julian day,
the besselian epoch's pass?.
all those tropical dates
on astronomers' plates
indigestibly got in the way.
"
"if you count 1, 2, 3 (yes, it's dull),
for forever, with never a lull,
then the value will wend
(even though there's no end)
to our transfinite friend, aleph-null.
"
"my research on benzene was slighted.
the teacher's opinion? ""benighted.""
a controllable flame!?
bunsen's burner's to blame,
for it sucked in the fumes and ignited.
"
"when the centrosome plays with the spindle,
a flame of division can kindle.
microtubules connect,
and the cell will bisect.
in mitosis, the mother must dwindle.
"
"pumped oxygen ion transition
explains a perplexing condition:
the bright iridescence
of bowen fluorescence
in nebulae known for emission.
"
"though the math leaves me weary and dazed,
one controls how reflections are phased
from a finely ruled grating
by gently abating
the angle at which it is blazed.
"
"john and marsha were caught in the act,
so their union they couldn't protract.
puritanic old farts
disunited their parts.
that's discerptive behavior, in fact.
"
"your dog's a good burglar deterrer;
a thief will become a deferrer ?
if he don't change his mind
he could lose his behind.
but he might try to break in tomurrer.
"
"i stand firm, you're cocksure, he's dogmatic.
i'm active, you're hyped, he's fanatic.
we're all three the same,
but we must play the game:
i can change, you're off-track, he's erratic.
"
"you're deceptory.  here's what you are:
you're a fake, ethics well below par.
you're deceptive, you trick;
you're mendacious and slick.
you're a phony; i think you'll go far.
"
"the wizard of oz is the best;
winsome dorothy passed her last test.
she employed deliquation
by way of hydration;
goodbye, wicked witch of the west!
"
"john had best come home sober by eight;
he is sure to get killed if he's late.
a derivable fact
is that john won't get whacked
if he doesn't force marsha to wait.
"
"my manuscript ? flat-out rejected! ?
was also so damned disrespected.
disjection's the worst
(getting scattered, dispersed).
it went flying ? can't be resurrected.
"
"the cryptorchid old guy likes to brag
he's a living anatomy gag.
he missed the event
of his testes' descent,
so his kitties are out of the bag.
"
"i'm contemptible.  yes, and i'm base.
i'm quarrelsome, right in your face.
i'm currish ? prefer
to behave like a cur ?
lift my leg on the whole human race.
"
"john will argue like nothing you've heard;
he's dissensious, discordant, absurd.
he's loud, disputatious,
contentious, tenacious.
poor marsha can't get in a word.
"
"an old lady starts picking her nose.
a nude fat guy tries touching his toes.
gotta watch 'em?  and how!
no, deturn your head now.
watch the floor ? watch the sky ? don't watch those.
"
"deoperculate: omen fulfilled;
the ketchup all over me spilled.
i left off the top;
this really must stop,
unless by divinity willed.
"
"my crazedness took a bad turn
when i found i had money to burn;
oh gosh, what a dire
metaphorical fire!
now, to clean my giraffe stem to stern...
"
"making sense of this page is frustration;
it's coded, hush-hush information.
don't speak of it yet,
not until we can get
us a cryptanalytic translation.
"
"the tenants stopped paying the rent;
their money on orgies was spent.
though their mass deturbation
makes great conversation,
the gents will raise hell in a tent.
"
"a cigar can be just a cigar;
but i dreamt my mom smoked in a bar.
i wasn't annoyed
by this visit from freud,
'til she up and run off with the czar.
"
"in the old days we traveled to dine;
now our commonable home does just fine.
we are no longer loners;
we're happy joint owners.
i miss your sweet ""your place or mine?""
"
"i just can't take my eyes off  that blonde.
i approach and we talk and we bond ?
says she'll give me her head
to examine in bed.
craniognomy calls: i respond.
"
"potassium chlorate when blended
with sulphur and carbon is splendid.
it can sputter and fume;
it will light up the room,
or explode, as perhaps you intended.
"
"it's a pity you guys all cut school;
you played hookey and jumped in the pool.
but the joke is on you ?
teacher filled it with glue,
now conglutinate means something cruel.
"
"dried milk's 95% dry;
fat is low and nutrition is high.
my old cow can't be prouder
producing this powder.
you want some?  just shake her ? she'll try.
"
"i remember when john became dr. ?
he got mad at a patient and sr.
she'd pilfered a pessary
for a fashion accessory;
he came from behind and cold-cr.
"
"my babe's pedagogical treasure;
i use her to teach cubic measure.
three-dimensional size
is her lesson for guys ?
to determine her volume's a pleasure.
"
"the word cadrans (from french), means a tool
to mark angles on gems, as a rule.
it is made in the style
of a disk or a dial,
and it's useful when cutting a jewel.
"
"woodwinds: oboe, bassoon, cor anglais ?
these musical instruments may
employ wind, but you'll need
a petite double reed
that you blow through in order to play.
"
"so these guys all fell down in the mud,
and their butts got all covered with crud.
when they dried, they were crustose ?
the guys felt they must dose
themselves with a high-pressure flood.
"
"if you see that four sixths is two thirds,
then cross-multiply, do it in words:
six times two, four times three;
they're both twelve, you'll agree.
you all get it?  you're certified nerds.
"
"our pierre was a cook with esprit,
and chez nous he'd have stayed, but, you see,
when he worked as a chef to us,
he proved to be defluous;
he'd fall in the soup vat and pee.
"
"when the train hit your car at the station,
i taught you the word deformation.
my comment was terse ?
""it's a change for the worse.""
(and in your case involved conflagration.)
"
"it's so easy for hot love to spoil,
so i dote on my babe like she's royal.
she once said with a sigh,
""you decoctible guy!
come with me and i'll make your blood boil.""
"
"please don't leave me ? i'm locking the door,
and i'm tying you down on the floor.
and now i will chant
a dissuasory rant:
give it up, change your mind, i implore!
"
"did you loosen that pipe with your wrench?
i said not to, or surely you'll drench
all the folks in the loo ?
well, they're wet through and through.
trou du cul, toi! and pardon my french.
"
"john is thinking in dollars and cents:
what's it worth if i straddle the fence?
is it profit or loss
if i sleep with the boss?
can a bribe be a business expense?
"
"see how dew-rot just made its debut?
all your wonderful plants turned to goo.
too much sun, too much wet:
biological threat.
it will rot out your horses' hooves too.
"
"a french cheese, oh  so fine: beau pasteur,
creamy, orange, great taste ? de rigueur.
but it's just as i feared ?
it has long disappeared.
if you find it please tell me, monsieur.
"
"either a if not b and/or d,
implies e (but for f) because g;
if u divorce y ?
o but c, u and i!
disjunctively, r/svp
"
"i love when i come out on top.
i command you ? you'll cower, you'll hop.
you're not close to my prominence ?
bow down to my dominance.
i have power; you can't make me stop.
"
"in the fine art of love i'm a fool;
i get hurt and my heart's full of doole.
observe how i borrow
this rare word for sorrow.
i do pay attention in school.
"
"you say that you spoke with abe lincoln;
you saw the titanic was sinkin'.
disorder delusional,
mental, confusional ?
phantoms!  or else you been drinkin'.
"
"that belligerent guy from next door ?
he won't argue and gripe any more.
a dissolvative chemical
waxed his polemical
bent ? he's the shine on the floor.
"
"hear the horrible words that you utter;
your tongue is at home in the gutter.
a soapy detersion
will cure your perversion;
washing mouths out's a trusted up-shutter.
"
"when a substance is called deliquescent,
it's solid and when moisture's present,
sucks all it can get
and so makes itself wet.
if it's on you, that isn't so pleasant.
"
"john's appearance is strikingly crull:
curly hair overshadows his skull.
but for john to explain
again and again
and again makes him achingly dull.
"
"disarray is the same as disray.
do you want to know which one to say?
since disray's obsolete, it
is crass to repeat it,
except in a limerick, okay?
"
"john's complacent and marsha's a doer;
she's a risk-taker, he is unsure.
she leads the parade;
he's laid back but not laid,
so their love life is down in the sewer.
"
"all the functions performed by your brain
have locations we must ascertain.
with help electronic,
cytoarchitectonic
research will these riddles explain.
"
"now the last thing that john wants to mention
is why marsha's been placed in detention:
she was caught with a fellow
while swimming in jello,
an embarrassing (gulp) deprehension.
"
"you know that you asked way too much,
when you forced me to act as your crutch.
oh, but had you meant mere
coadjument, dear;
i am sure that we'd still be in touch.
"
"star-crossed lovers spin 'round and repeat.
now they glide and they float down the street;
they seem weightless ? they're not;
it's a long dolly shot ?
with the camera on wheels, it's deceit.
"
"i cannot do justice to you,
the lady i want to pursue.
i would lie like a rug
for a glance or a hug,
but the truth is, i'm just passing through.
"
"you're perfidious, false and a traitor.
you're on their side, you're base, you're a hater.
you're screwing us royally,
acting disloyally.
you'll pay for this sooner or later.
"
"john's a guy i can sure discompose.
hear me whine, turn his highs into lows;
or when john's feeling fine,
i'll recite gertrude stein:
""... is a rose is a rose is a rose.""
"
"the aaaaa, i think,
is a merger ? two clubs got in sync.
(aaa is for cars;
aa, too many bars.)
it's for folks who are driven to drink.
"
"did you know when you get on my nerves
i pretend you're a plate of hors d'oeuvres?
or i might see right through
to disrealize you;
it's the least that my ego deserves.
"
"john and marsha recall that they met in a
taxi whose driver had let in a
guy who cried, ""hurry!
my vision's gone blurry.
i fear it's acute detached retina.""
"
"my arms and my legs are akimbo.
'til i straighten, my body's in limbo.
double-digonous, true,
with four angles, not two;
that ain't bad for a creaky old bimbo.
"
"a syringe with detachable spout ?
put it in and then shpritz; take it out.
you can call it a douche bag ?
it's not for your bouche (gag) ?
a vaginal shower, no doubt.
"
"are you stressed and perplexed ?  lost your mate?
or depressed, strained or vexed, or irate?
are you facing foreclosure?
i sense discomposure.
so here, take this pill, it works great.
"
"first articu, then lary help make
up a term to convey your bad break
when you tripped on that fella
and broke your patella?
that's bona fide pain you can't shake.
"
"they're disuniform, youthful and old.
marsha's reckless, john does what he's told.
john's life is precise,
marsha skates on thin ice.
when one's hot, then the other is cold.
"
"my life's an assortment of grays;
there are tans, off-whites, caf? au laits.
it's drabbish, it's dull,
there's no core, only hull.
there's no there there, there's only a haze.
"
"for the pleasure of living with me,
coadapted is what we must be.
we'll enjoy give-and-take,
you contemptible snake;
and we'll vote ? i get two, you make three.
"
"do not smoke, do not drink, do not spit.
evil habits will make you unfit.
my dehortative tone
means i cannot condone
tempting vices i dare not commit.
"
"marsha's lying will likely dislink
her from john ? he is leaving, i think.
she'd get picked up by bob,
claim they drove to her job,
but instead she was driven to drink.
"
"how your dreggish aroma conveys
an odiferous kind of malaise ?
i'll swoon 'cause your reek'll
attest that it's fecal.
i damn your cologne with faint praise.
"
"every evening we sneak out to meet;
our encounters are so very sweet.
we are pretty obsessive
to be so congressive;
our coming together's a treat.
"
"we are so far apart, you and i;
i'm beneath you, and you're way up high.
you ran off, broke your vow;
that was then, this is now.
sign me: deictically yours, and goodbye.
"
"let's bid hydrogen chloride farewell;
it is toxic and has a bad smell.
so we'd better just de-
hydrochlorinate, see?
if that fails, then get out, run like hell.
"
"i used to be strong as an ox;
now i hardly can take off my socks.
drug abuse is my plea,
why i suffer from de-
generation.  i need to detox.
"
"to its scabbard my sword is restored;
it's been up to things i can't afford.
in this florist shop scoured,
the plants lie deflowered,
just petals and stems in disord.
"
"you're unable to swallow, that's true,
and your throat's full ? your face just turned blue.
as a matter of fact,
that deglutitive act
is just what you need to pull through.
"
"i'm dispirited, feeling depression:
lost money, my home, my profession.
seduced by smooth voices,
i made stupid choices.
my value's decreased ? that's decession.
"
"discursus means argumentation;
in your case, i see aberration.
""i don't give a damn,""
you say, ""therefore, i am.""
so to hell with descartes' rumination.
"
"cyclorama: curved wall backs a set
on the stage of a theater to get
luscious paintings of scenery:
towns, oceans, greenery ...
cyc for short ? cute sobriquet.
"
"i just flushed; nothing left the commode.
what to do? ? i can make it explode.
watch it detonize now;
i'll show everyone how
a crackpot with bombs drops his load.
"
"i am known as a loud disassenter:
you want in? then i say you can't enter.
you want out?  turn about!
you like thin? i like stout.
a contrarian?  i'm the inventor.
"
"cynocephaly takes me by night.
i've the head of a dog and i might
dogtrot out to the park,
pee on trees, howl and bark.
i come home in the morning all right.
"
"i can't help it ? i buy in excess;
run amuck for a buck, more or less.
so give out a holler, say
thank god for dollar day!
sucker for sales? i confess.
"
"oh mary contrary, please pardon;
how do you gauge growth in your garden?
with my crescograph, sir!
i can see growth occur
in the silver bells filling my yard in.
"
"do you swear like you're kind of afraid?
let strong desinence come to your aid.
""you can all go to hell!""
will go over so well:
finish up with a verbal grenade.
"
"we must learn to resist how it feels
to succumb to emotive appeals
when men demagogic
with clever illogic
present irresistible deals.
"
"today marsha's so angry with john
there's a plan that she seizes upon ?
she's gonna disglorify,
aggravate, horrify,
irritate john 'til he's gone.
"
"i'm only an egg, amphiblastic,
my vitellus aside, inelastic.
if i fall on your shoe
then the yolk is on you;
and for me that would be something drastic.
"
"christian scientists bypass mds;
they pray to get rid of disease.
they're happy and ready
to invoke mary eddy
for every discomfort or sneeze.
"
"benedict arnold was ripe for disseizin,
but he wasn't so sure of the reason.
he'd soon be admittin'
he sided with britain
in war, so it could have been treason.
"
"every saturday, business is hoppin';
at midnight, no sign that it's stoppin'.
distressed boys and girls
without doctors' referrals
arrive at our clinic ? a drop-in.
"
"our coagency's easily shown;
the deities can't work alone ?
there's no god of the skies
who can make the sun rise,
if on earth he's completely unknown.
"
"we got wind of john's dehonestation;
he's dishonored, disgraced by temptation.
about five or six chicks
have resisted his tricks;
all he scored was polite conversation.
"
"my deepening sense of despair
is more than my colleagues can bear.
as my blues get profound,
i hear whispers around
that i drive them insane and to prayer.
"
"belike from my nonsense you flew,
and belike i'm distressed that we're through,
and belike you will heal now
however i feel now.
(belike means ""most probably true"".)
"
"your outbursts are getting prolific;
our prayer group's no longer pacific.
we get no relief
from your pain and your grief;
and it's spreading ? we're all dolorific.
"
"a caliphal state wants to free ya ?
man-made laws are replaced by sha'ria.
they're god-given instead,
and can cost you your head ?
no recourse in islam, mamma mia!
"
"an essential computer mouse trick:
press the button twice fast, double-click.
this double depression
in rapid succession
instead of just one click is slick.
"
"for debasing and menial toil,
or the drudge who performs it, use droil:
cleaning up at the zoo ?
monkey pee, monkey poo.
i scrub cages out after they soil.
"
"coacervation is making a heap,
like my friends, piled up drunk and asleep.
it can be pedagogic ?
like long chains of logic.
whatever, the aggregate's deep.
"
"best not laugh at me ? that's inadvisable;
your tenure here's unrecognizable.
submission's required ?
obey or you're fired.
i will hold your bad manners chastisable.
"
"i insist that you say what you mean;
your words are betwixt and between.
you just beat 'round the bush
when describing my tush ?
opportunity knocks, so come clean.
"
"constipation???  i wish i could say,
but can only pronounce constipaaa ?
from my throat no response,
now i get only consss ?
i cannnnnnot squeeze this word out today.
"
"mom, i'm crumping and chomping and chewing,
and munching and crunching and hewing.
for your information,
it's just mastication.
devour food whole?  nothing doing.
"
"the party's at your place or mine ?
i don't care much, if you bring the wine.
we'll drink up and fall down;
we'll drive madly through town ?
your booze and my death wish combine.
"
"chocolate syrup ? a big gooey squirt,
and a layer of peanuts can't hurt ?
but only on sundae.
my doctor says one day
i'll croak while i'm eating dessert.
"
"it's by me that your life's but a thorn;
i despise you, i've nothing but scorn.
so listen up, laddy,
i'm calling my daddy ?
o dradde the day you were born.
"
"though counting forever's just fine,
this infinity's rather benign.
for the ultimate fun,
get to know aleph-1,
which is how many points on a line.
"
"yes, i wanted to get to first base;
my behavior was such a disgrace.
your reaction was devitable ?
wasn't inevitable,
throwing a pie in my face.
"
"a colliquefaction is when
some materials melt down and then
they unite, they combine ?
you can not draw a line
to divide them up ever again.
"
"some math for big drinkers and eaters:
can a person down ten thousand liters?
you think you can wreck a beer,
but drink a whole decastere?
i don't think so ? that's ten cubic meters.
"
"see the bird spread its legs in the air;
there's its crissum, with feathers, not hair,
that surround its cloaca;
they're crissal; they make a
petite private region ? don't stare.
"
"feel the crush of our labial tissue;
i'm dizzy each time that i kiss you.
this connexive event
has me utterly spent.
when we part, i am drained and i miss you.
"
"you can trust me, i won't never tell ?
but you ain't got a dog's chance in hell.
you kept up a good front,
but you played your last stunt.
bud, your time's come ? i wish you farewell.
"
"do not hinder me nor disinure:
precious knowledge is getting obscure.
remember george orwell,
and if you abhor hell,
keep freedom of speech safe and sure.
"
"though a decenter guy would refrain,
bigmouth bob's in the middle again.
how i wish he'd decenter,
shut up and re-enter,
and sideline himself.  what a pain.
"
"first dalf me a hole in the shade;
then dalf all around with your spade.
now dalf into this:
please dalf our last kiss
with me; delve into things you evade.
"
"please, dear, drink this colloidal suspension.
you can't filter it ? didn't i mention?
and yes, you're so right ?
it disperses the light.
it's your milk, dear, now no more dissension.
"
"?qu? es chico? a boy or a tree,
or a reddish-brown dye. it can be
a big west-coastal town
of great almond renown.
?algo m?s? yo no s?. you go see.
"
"how i wish my antenna was turned
to your face when you seemed so concerned.
but my mind's exclusivity,
slim directivity,
brought me the scorn that i earned.
"
"i so want to escape from this hell!
it's too hot and there's such a bad smell.
devitation!  cut loose ?
i'll slip out, i'll vamoose,
fly the coop, take a powder. (don't tell.)
"
"you're bare faced ? it's just as i feared!
you appear to be missing your beard.
with such elegant garb,
you should never debarb.
you looked better before you got sheared.
"
"last week it was just constipation,
and now i've got gasification.
all this trouble behind,
now i'm losing my mind!
i'm delirious ? that's deliration.
"
"when the sound of a word's uninspired,
it may be that more vowels are desired;
but whatever the fix is,
don't say ""anapuhtyxis""
'coz puhleeze! ? that just won't be admired.
"
"double negative's anyone's guess ?
could mean ""no"", but at other times ""yes"".
it just don't make no sense
to be left in suspense.
there's no doubt i can't disagree less.
"
"since your mom was a rogue and a thief,
her behavior's your family's motif.
connaturality means
that you've picked up her genes,
so your nature's like hers (to be brief).
"
"there's no reason that you should connive
to resuscitate ancient descrive;
rest in peace, then. it's better
to alter one letter:
describe (v to b) comes alive.
"
"i'm your dentist, a tooth-drilling pro.
through enamel and dentine i go,
making dential rubble
to fix your tooth's trouble.
it hurts a bit ? just so you know.
"
"i worked hard to become a magician,
to perfect my new act, compartition:
i sawed into pieces
my sisters and nieces,
mom, dad, and my pediatrician.
"
"global terror has gone up a notch,
and we're left to do little but watch.
modern airport inspecting
can't promise detecting
the bomb that i stuffed up my crotch.
"
"i'm the butcher, big man in the city.
whack-whack, chop-chop-chop, bitty-bitty.
rock & roll's my relief
chopping chicken, pork, beef;
doobee-doo, whack-a-whack, ditty-ditty.
"
"the deg. tells the size of an ang.
also temperature ? let's not wrang.
that's a 2nd deg.;
just be glad there's not th.
oh, there is: ph.d. ? what a tang.!
"
"drusy gemstones are gems in the rough;
sugar crystals in geodes ? good stuff.
drusy hole in an agate?
it's beautiful ? snag it.
gemologists can't get enough.
"
"marijuana's been judged delenifical,
despite reputation horrifical.
it assuages my pain,
so i need not abstain;
and it's true that the proof's scientifical.
"
"don't think that 'cause you're a relation,
i wouldn't enjoy your delation.
you drank all my booze,
so, mon fr?re ? oui, j'accuse!
i'll tell mommy without hesitation.
"
"though i promised i'd water your lawn,
feed your fish and your dog while you're gone,
you can see i did not.
well, i just plain forgot.
disregardfully yours, your friend john.
"
"true, counting's a long operation;
there's no end once the train leaves the station.
but all points on the track?
can't be counted, alack!
they're more infinite.  not speculation.
"
"disinflation, deflation ? not mates.
disinflation's a question of rates:
when inflation subsides
without negative slides.
but deflation price decrease creates.
"
"with zigzags and curves you contend.
as you drive down the road you depend
on a sign to appear
when a dogleg is near.
that's a turn with a very sharp bend.
"
"my dog often drops in the street
his deposits upon the concrete.
a change of location ?
delocalization:
the mantra my neighbors repeat.
"
"my decretive oration won't work.
i commanded ? they called me a jerk.
that they treat my decree
like it's so much debris
means i might just as well be a clerk.
"
"my free-thinking movie's not screenable;
the sound track is way beyond cleanable.
my friends will not gather
to hear filthy blather;
premiere night will not be convenable.
"
"old-time autos, you'd crank them to start.
then electrical rescue, so smart!
your car battery's there,
that lead-acid affair;
no more risking attack of the heart.
"
"was your mom neither hearty nor hale?
did her bowel movements frequently fail?
your gastrointestinal
future is destinal.
see how you follow her trail.
"
"a needlessly long word is dis-
contentation.  you won't be remiss
to forget this big snorter
and use one that's shorter.
that word's discontent: lack of bliss.
"
"greek orgiasts built up a sweat
with the crotalum (old castanet).
enthused corybantes
would dance without panties,
be drunk and be wild and beget.
"
"a corbeille of apples and pears,
a corbeille of wishes and prayers,
a tisket, a tasket,
a corbeille's a basket
i wish i could fill with my cares.
"
"the cold war, this old statesman pulled off;
you might laud what he did, you might scoff.
that was john foster dulles,
whose name rhymes with cullis:
a gutter, a sluice, or a trough.
"
"marsha messed with a few other guys;
john assumed it was due to his size.
he endured that degradement ?
what not getting laid meant:
no thighs, no arise, no surprise.
"
"a conduit, pipe, tube or duct
is a passageway; see how it's tucked
in a ceiling or floor.
there are those and lots more,
like the soda-pop straw that you sucked.
"
"you've no substance, no facts  to declare;
your opinion is based on thin air?
it's conjecturable,
since of crap you are full.
you're a fraud, an imposter, so there.
"
"all my sisters and cousins and aunts
wear out oodles of dresses and pants.
""new duds? dime a dozen ?
we're helped,"" says a cousin,
""by welfare and government grants.""
"
"my mansion could stand a new column;
just one looks a little too solemn.
i'll say that it's my style
to make my home distyle.
my neighbors?  i want to enthrall 'em.
"
"see the truck taking old folks like pillage?
it is driving them out of our village.
we diselder today ?
that's the price that they pay
for campaigning to vote down the millage.
"
"now ya can't let old fido here scare ya;
he's ornery ? i'd best prepare ya.
he's cold, needs your jacket;
come close ? he'll attack it;
it's dogskin ? i double dog dare ya.
"
"i treat double cross like an attack;
you borrowed, but won't pay me back.
we started out chummy,
but i played the dummy.
you tricked me, you sad one-eyed jack.
"
"oh, madness, anxiety rare!
i'm screaming and tearing my hair!
my brain's a bacterium
hit by delirium!
agony, rage, and despair!
"
"lines in limericks must end with rhyme sounds.
euphonious ones make them prime sounds.
double rhymes here are hatching ?
two syllables matching.
they're catchy, but hardly sublime sounds.
"
"french somaliland, name from before;
semi-deserts, islam, red sea shore;
djibouti was born
on the african horn,
home to afars, somalis and more.
"
"it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard ?
so singeth bob dylan, the bard.
how he'd difficultate
the debate ? he'd berate.
oh, it's hard and it's so avant-garde!
"
"john's deprisure of marsha's well known;
he belittles her over the phone.
he yells, ""idiot! jerk!""
when he calls her from work:
he's a talk-show host. listeners groan.
"
"i'm a king, and my head's choicely crowned;
i've a book writ in gold, choicely bound.
my kingdom rejoices:
my exquisite choices
are consummate, rare and profound.
"
"marsha told me she'd always be here.
when i hired her she sounded sincere.
but it wasn't so funny,
running off with my money.
that desertrice seduced my cashier.
"
"we'll sneak our artillery close;
then our cannons will give them a dose.
demiculverin balls
will demolish their walls;
with our 8-pound lead shot ? adios!
"
"oh, such similar words that there be:
deformity (formity, de-)
versus (formity dif-):
like a savory whiff,
but the de- isn't pretty to see.
"
"little john drew a line in the sand.
with bravado, he's taking a stand.
just read his marquee:
""don't emasculate me.""
he will not let himself be dismanned.
"
"a stone pedestal's home for my love.
she looks down in disdain from above.
the moments i count
till i make her demount
by persuasion or one little shove.
"
"12-volt battery charger for sale!
you'll be saved, should your battery fail.
this electrical pumper
needs only a jumper
to get your car back on the trail.
"
"poor lady macbeth, who defends her?
she'll go to wherever fate sends her.
couldn't rub out that spot ?
it's too bad she did not
try out spic and span's great comet cleanser!

so get some today at the store ?
it takes blood stains right off of the floor.
it washes off goo,
cleans your dagger like new;
see it tidy up after a war!
"
"when a burqa is all that's allowed,
you are dressed in a dark, full-length shroud
with a screen for your eyes
that completes your disguise:
an anonymous blob in a crowd.
"
"john's studying deflagrability
in a way that shows off his virility.
he ate a legume,
welcomed friends to his room,
and then measured his farts' volatility.
"
"o gross airborne beast, i don't care
if my bug zapper's really unfair.
the chances are large
an electric discharge
will zap your ass out of the air.
"
"you must not let yourself go insanio
if you learn that you suffer from cranio-
fenestria.  jeez,
when your skull's like swiss cheese,
you might suffer from mice in your brainio.
"
"fidel castro might play his last scene
with a liver that's not looking keen.
for this ailing old cuban,
dehydrobilirubin
makes bile look a little more green.
"
"my loved ones, with whom i share quarters,
oppose me; they're sure non-supporters.
they try to dissuade me ?
their reasons evade me.
whatever i do, they're dehorters.
"
"i removed your benign dermoid cyst;
skin and hair mostly ? sure won't be missed.
for your fine dermoidectomy,
please send a check to me;
don't let your surgeon get pissed.
"
"my decision i see as historic:
i'm giving up food that's caloric.
the health-zealots' choir
dispatched my desire ?
i listen to pleading that's choric.
"
"you disanimate me with such skill ?
every glance from you gives me a chill.
both my spirit and body
are troubled and shoddy;
in your case i know looks could kill.
"
"czechoslovakia's no more intact:
into two parts the nation was cracked.
czech republic does great ?
czechvar beer is first-rate!
pilsner urquell is too ? that's a fact.
"
"i'll be leaving you, gonna get free;
you're a person i simply can't drie.
what i mean is, i'm sure
that i just can't endure
how you've screwed up the way things should be.
"
"my windows are all double pane;
the dead-air space between helps me gain
insulation from chill:
their air leak is nil.
(why is heat transfer hard to explain?)
"
"""like the shell of a ship"" would be hullish.
""like the shell of your head"" would be skullish.
""like a guy who is boring,
who gets people snoring,
who's shallow and slow"" would be dullish.
"
"a continuant consonant keeps
your breath moving along ? the air seeps
(maybe out of your nose);
though constricted, it goes,
and your speech doesn't break into beeps.
"
"dear osama bin laden, relax;
there's no need for more vicious attacks.
as head of al-qaeda
you took on the decidah.
you're grody, and that's to the max.
"
"sticky sludge in my bed makes me gulp.
who squeezed orange juice here? who's the culp-
rit who made such a mess?
if it's you, please confess.
this is not a good place to dispulp.
"
"our relationship turned so discordous;
contention and squabbles came toward us.
my lord, how we'd bicker ?
get louder and sicker.
psychologists really adored us.
"
"one day adam and eve get the heaves;
can't clean up ?  they have only two leaves.
so eve cries, ""we're diphyllous ?
our children will kill us!
or else they will laugh up their sleeves.""
"
"why the hell did you let your tongue fail ya?
you're letting those crapheads derail ya.
that butt-ugly group ?
call 'em doo-doo or poop!
or ca-ca. they grasp coprolalia.
"
"you are part of my disvaluation;
you abandoned me, dear, at the station.
such a way to embarrass!
well, we'll always have paris.
but that moment brought great degradation.
"
"an order of plants it's respecting;
decagynia: deca reflecting
the pistils.  all ten
collect pollen, and then
lots of seedlings that flower's expecting.
"
"we abbreviate down with dn.
unambiguous?  yes, except when
it is turned on its head:
then it reads up instead.
what a contrary stroke of the pen!
"
"if you think that a limerick's a curse,
i assure you there's something that's worse.
it's called doggerel, ma'am,
a poetical sham ?
it means low-down irregular verse.
"
"john looks cretose ? he's ashen and pale;
his complexion's way off (he's in jail).
he's cretaceous, like chalk ?
so what gives?  he won't talk.
marsha says that his alibi's frail.
"
"jane left john for their dear old friend clem.
jilted john found a photo.  of them.
he cut out each face
(he left not a trace)
to dispersonate, blot and condemn.
"
"you're the someone upon whom i dote.
you're the someone who best floats my boat.
i don't want to mislead,
so i'll add that indeed
you're the someone who most gets my goat.
"
"after trumpet, trombone and french horn
were the tuba and sousaphone born.
it is best not to dwell
near a brass family bell;
you'll find deepening deafness a thorn.
"
"the connecticut yankee will stand
as a guy who would not be unmanned.
he was skilled and deviceful;
he lived once or twiceful.
his need to invent was unplanned.
"
"who is kind of a nut-case and daft?
whose mental department's unstaffed?
who is cuculoid? you!
like a cuckoo. me too.
my mind's open ? i'm feeling a draft.
"
"ach, laddie, you torched all my furniture!
you daftie, you started to burn it your-
self.  i'll escort
you directly to court.
you'll be sentenced ? you'll get a decerniture.
"
"a drill jig's a gadget to keep
rambling hand drills from taking a leap:
the bit rotates in space;
the jig keeps it in place.
it's ingenious, convenient and cheap.
"
"john and marsha are contradistinct.
when he bullied her, marsha just blinked.
he's loud and abrasive,
she's shy and evasive.
what is it that keeps those two linked?
"
"in school there were so many forces
distracting my mind from my courses
that now i am facing
hard work that's debasing:
i'm picking up droppings from horses.
"
"the bamiyan buddhas so harmed;
the venus de milo disarmed;
to disfigure a creature,
the word is disfeature.
when purposeful, please be alarmed.
"
"little girl, you will learn from your doll.
it is not just a plaything banal.
if it's barbie you got,
you will learn to be hot,
seduce ken, be a man's femme fatale.
"
"i am only a humble canned ham;
i can't stand being stuffed where i am.
come and be my sweet pea;
disimprison poor me.
i mean spring me ? and eat me, madame.
"
"woodwind players are known to complain,
'cause their donax, arundo's a pain.
that's the cane that they need
to create a new reed,
all too often, once more, and again.
"
"he is no longer able to cope; he
is dazed, at the end of his rope; he
gives off the aroma
of folks in a coma,
like dormant or dreamy or dopy.
"
"is your multiplication so new
that the notion of two-fold slips through?
your poker hand's troubled ?
too bad your bet's doubled;
you shouldn't have timesed it by two.
"
"every ten years on the dot,
my decadist writes me the plot ?
how her life is proceeding;
it's very good reading.
part three's about me.  i forgot.
"
"the conductor's about to begin;
the musicians await with chagrin.
they look to the clown seat
awaiting the downbeat;
he's lost and his ear's made of tin.
"
"here's a paean to glorious dung!
a great servant of man, but unsung.
feeding plants is its virtue ?
smells bad but can't hurt you,
unless you get hit when it's flung.
"
"i'm in pain every month without fail,
and i'm leaving a bloody red trail;
i just don't wanna see ya
with dysmenorrh?ia.
next week you can get some more tail.
"
"derisively's ""mocking"", i learn.
let a synonym now take its turn ?
so try this out orally:
say derisorily.
like it? that's not my concern.
"
"i'm feeling much safer and fine,
since partaking the wafer and wine.
consubstantialist, i
sense that jesus came by;
his body and blood intertwine.
"
"""quite contrary"" (a famous brit phrase),
mary, mary, sweet mary portrays.
was she contrary, very,
or very contrary?
mistress mis-stress distressed in two ways.
"
"my buddy drove into a bar;
he's nuts ? he was still in his car.
he pleaded for clemency
due to his demency.
wacko? oh yeah, he's bizarre.
"
"i'm on mars as i look at our planet.
i'm using my cross-staff to scan it.
i never have seen
the angle between
our fair earth and the sun ? now i span it.
"
"a demilune sees a saloon;
he enters; the ladies all swoon.
i sez, ""bud, you're a crescent,
and so luminescent ?
you look like a phase of the moon.""
"
"here's what happens because you're detested:
your absence is highly requested.
i shun and reject you,
disdain and neglect you.
i loathe you ? i hope you're arrested.
"
"come on, do what you're hired to do;
it's your job, and you'd best follow through.
if you dodge being duteous,
i'll batter your beauteous
butt with the sole of my shoe.
"
"glass tube with electrodes, by crookes;
pump out air, connect volts, how it looks!
eerie glow all ablaze,
pioneered cathode rays;
electronic age born.  read the books.
"
"as so frequently happens in trig,
when one function gets small, one gets big.
take any named function,
toggle co by conjunction;
it's the cofunction then that you rig.
"
"hello fly, fly on in for a hug!
i'm a spider ? your friend, ya big lug.
there's no way i'd attack, kid ?
i'm just an arachnid,
an eight-legged, flesh-eating  bug.
"
"i had lived my whole life as a slut;
then the church got me out of my rut.
this appreciative lass
will bequeath her sweet ass
when she dies ? it's my donary butt.
"
"your theology centers on jesus;
his conduct in everything pleases:
you're called christocentric.
there's no circumvent trick
to hide where your frame of mind freezes.
"
"your duncery shows every day,
'cause your brain's just a useless puree.
you're a nincompoop, fool,
and you flunked out of school.
no one's home underneath your toupee.
"
"say ""ab urbe condita"". why?
it's what a.u.c. means to imply.
count from jesus' premiere:
rome was built in that year
minus dccliii.
"
"a limerick walks into a bar;
the 'tender sez ""stay where you are,
'cause you're under arrest ?
you're averse an' a pest;
you get drunk and obscene and bizarre.""
"
"sinful suzy was not a tame child;
she was wicked and easily riled.
i domesticized suzy
while in the jacuzzi ?
she's wet, but she's no longer wild.
"
"every night i've been having this dream:
i'm in love with a copper-nosed bream.
dollardee, she's my one fish,
my lovely blue sunfish.
i eat her, then wake up and scream.
"
"saying ""ain't"" is all right ? that's my guess,
and descriptive linguistics says yes.
it's the field's bread and butter
to learn what we utter,
not dictate, prescribe or suppress.
"
"babe, your insults are makin' me blue;
now you hurt me too much, so screw you.
you used me to dump on,
an' now you would jump on
my bones? well, excuse me, we're through.
"
"they're taking away compensation
to implement discommendation.
that's blame and reproach
as explained by my coach:
on third base they forbid meditation.
"
"cohesion's when like sticks to like,
such as folks on a sympathy strike.
their intense cohesibility
favors civility,
groupwise. but, foes? take a hike.
"
"according to freud, you're a bum
for preventing me sucking my thumb.
in my dream i'm your mommy
and you're my salami
and then when you call me i come.
"
"my advice ? my astute commonition ?
results from my sharp intuition.
your false commination
(your sham derogation)
sounds stupid in juxtaposition.
"
"our existence is frail and precarious,
so be cheery and fun and gregarious!
an affable day
keeps the doctor away ?
carpe diem, then die. then they bury us.
"
"you poor blockheads, you pay a big price.
you're so cubelike, you don't look so nice.
six square faces don't please
joined at ninety degrees ?
plastic surgery ought to suffice.
"
"how you always harangue and complain
to diminish me, drive me insane!
but your mission is futile ?
you're self-diminutal.
i see through your legerdemain.
"
"abu hasan abruptly departed,
chagrined when he publicly farted.
despondent, in shame,
he was never the same ?
spent the rest of his sad life downhearted.
"
"m. salmoides, a food fish, has class;
not big john: he will brag and harass.
they have one thing the same
(this comparison's lame):
a bigmouth's a bass or an ass.
"
"pretty please, don't sneak up from behind;
you are driving me out of my mind.
your libido dements me;
it mentally dents me.
your sex drive is so unrefined.
"
"when my heart was beginning to bleed,
you ran off in my great time of need.
i was counting on you,
then you told me we're through.
you're no blessing, you poor broken reed.
"
"marsha's boyfriends, when new, were undaunted.
now they're broken; she bullied and taunted.
she loves to disgallant
her guys ? that's her talent.
they're frightened, demoralized, haunted.
"
"my blood vessels ? i can't content 'em.
the crap that i eat likely bent 'em.
the doc found a spot ?
a gelatinous clot ?
in medicalese: crassamentum.
"
"i'm in chicken soup up to my neck.
it flows one cubic meter per sec.,
so one cumec's the rate.
i don't think i can wait ?
can you turn off the faucet?  please check.
"
"my knowledge is all unimpeachable.
it is docible ? totally reachable;
i've college degrees
and i'm learning chinese,
the bassoon, birds and bees ? i'm so teachable!
"
"deep in cyberspace now, a threat lies:
it tracks what you're doing; it spies
on computerized mumbo-
(your personal) jumbo.
it's called dataveillance ? surprise!
"
"a drug  for the hypersexed male,
to empower his head over tail:
what cyproterone acetate
cannot deracinate
lands him a sentence in jail.
"
"see the engine spin 'roun' an' aroun';
see the piston ? she go up an' down.
it's the bottom or top
where she might want to stop ?
call 'em dead points; it's hard to reboun'.
"
"expectation of great delectation,
consummation at your celebration,
your folks on vacation,
hundred-proof distillation.
education: we're all on probation.
"
"crep is short for the word crepitation.
that's a crackle, a sonic sensation
spines and knuckles impart,
or maybe a fart
or a fireworks manifestation.
"
"in the past they taught writing coercively;
smooth curves came out lovely and cursively.
fine form but no rhymes
flowing thousands of times;
it's a pity we learned it sub-verse-ively.
"
"you're a beast, and i'm gonna discede;
get away from you ? that's what i need.
to remain would be blunder;
my cup runneth under.
goodbye ? i'm a one-man stampede.
"
"john's a mugwort and marsha's a rose.
when they met, it was anything goes.
their cross-pollination
caused quite a sensation;
she's deflowered.  the whole hothouse knows.
"
"our old granny is nothing but heart;
spreading love is the height of her art.
she's a cuddly old doter,
close family promoter,
and really can't tell us apart.
"
"the clark cell supplies electricity,
standard 1.4-volt specificity.
it's no longer employed,
so today we avoid
its mercury cathode's toxicity.
"
"i'll be dropping you near the north pole;
about five degrees off is my goal.
gonna let that colatitude
fix your damn attitude,
now that you're out on parole.
"
"you debate like you know what you mean.
you've no proof though; your logic's obscene.
your demonstrance is missing,
you gab like you're pissing.
your thesis should swab the latrine.
"
"ye queene hath proclaimed and hath penned
that no yeomen save they that dispend
forty shillings by yere
weareth shurt in silke here,
else god's wounds! how thy garb doth offend!
"
"my doc says i'd best not eat beef.
this news brings me trouble and grief.
i'm afraid that this diet'll
feed my disquietal.
bummer! bad luck! no relief!
"
"the vapors ? a job for the mixer.
good chemistry makes the elixir.
a bit of my potion
will ease her commotion.
a couple of sips oughta fix 'er.
"
"an event that is ghastly and gory'll
fill up the news, 'cause the story'll
make lots o' dough
for the media, so
i'll compose a macabre editorial.
"
"rung by rung he ascends, cocky padder.
(it was only last night that he'd had 'er.)
then his urge turns to dread:
""i'm much better unwed.""
the eloper slinks back down the ladder.
"
"direct antonyms make a strange pair;
not just opposites ? see how they dare
to appear with each other,
like father and mother;
true?false, far and near, here and there,
"
"an emergency surely supplants
hesitation to take one last chance.
you've a whole lot to fear ?
the eleventh hour's here.
if you wait, you'll be losin' your pants.
"
"your arrival is such a surprise,
some distress can be seen in my eyes.
though i'm joyful, elated,
i wish you had waited ?
i'm busy with five other guys.
"
"the branly coherer foretold
what the future of radio'd hold:
electromagnetic
reception.  prophetic,
not practical science, but bold.
"
"the art of romance ? how it humbles!
your passion left, due to my fumbles.
your love is discurrent ?
i wish that it weren't.
well, that's how the old cookie crumbles.
"
"your lips, right up close in bright light
look the same as they do in the night.
in the hot tub, in bed,
in madrid, they're still red.
color constancy turns me on, quite.
"
"moving off to the side, you decenter:
that's a lesson i learned from my mentor.
i was self-centered then,
but was cured of it when
she just left me ? i didn't content her.
"
"whenever you're feeling inventive,
your pride may become the incentive
to finish your work.
you will find, if you shirk,
that your pride is for sure discontentive.
"
"my memory so often stalls
when i'm sizing and loading my balls.
let's see  ? small ones are duck shot
and big ones are buckshot,
but others are really tough calls.
"
"the word consolate means ""to console"".
the third syllable plays no known role.
come assuage, apply balm,
make my day, cheer and calm,
lift me up, get me out of my hole.
"
"a depreciatory review
of an actor who staged his debut
says he struts like a ham
and emotes like a clam
and his drama career is all through.
"
"you're short-tempered, burned out and depressed.
you're exhausted, and now you're a pest.
well, i guess you need one day,
so, take off next sunday.
we'll both have a nice day of rest.
"
"conjuncture's when things come together,
like job loss, divorce, stormy weather,
dead dog, diarrhea ?
at once. mamma mia!
your brain might come loose from its tether.
"
"dried grass bound up tight is a source
of cold-weather nutrition, of course.
i embale lots of hay
for my winter buffet ?
i'm so hungry,  i eat like a horse.
"
"your expression is empty and hard.
do i force you to stay on your guard?
your emotionlessness
spells devotionlessness.
we are so psychologically scarred.
"
"run three anapests all in a row,
have three more dit-dit-dahs just below.
you continue with two;
make two others in queue.
end with three ? that's a limerick, no?
"
"little sparrow chirps sadly all day
in my earbuds; i yearn, i obey.
you had better not laugh
at sweet edith piaf ?
she was france's beloved chansonnier.
"
"a discursist is writing our treatise;
he's professional, won't even meet us.
he's deep and he's blunt ?
we must pay him up front;
if our jury finds out, they will eat us.
"
"to the eighteenth amendment ? a toast!
fifteen years we stayed sober, almost.
we'd speak easy: ""joe sent me.""
in any event we
are tankful you're long adiosed.
"
"when the sun's up, we work and we play.
when it's dark, then we stop; that's our way.
but it's weird ? it's not right ?
we should call it a night,
but we say, ""time to call it a day.""
"
"why'd i let you get into my head?!
i love you, i hate you, drop dead!
i'm on fire, i'm serene,
i'm betwixt and between.
go away!  c'mon, let's go to bed.
"
"demibastion: a part of a fort.
its objective: armed onslaughts to thwart.
one flank and one face
make defensible space
and a sheltered postbellum resort.
"
"honey, please don't feel lonesome or weepy;
sex ten times a day is so creepy.
i'm not playing dead ?
i'm quiescent instead;
my diestrum is making me sleepy.
"
"now on to the banquet we press.
why don't nincompoops know how to dress?
formal dinner dress rules
should be taught in the schools ?
trousers, coat, shirt and tie, nothing less.
"
"though the donkey's a hardworking guy,
when you call me one, that's a black eye.
there's a sense connotational
(demonizational):
tacit ? you only imply.
"
"you please me; you're such a delight!
i hope you don't think me a fright.
you charm and delectate me ?
come, child, and spectate me!
figure on staying all night.
"
"a decretist examines decrees
for the catholic church's trustees.
brother gratian's visions
of papal decisions
showed harmony midst the unease.
"
"so you planned to take all of my money,
pack up and run out on me, honey?
now, look what you got ?
you're tied up on my yacht.
you are so disprepared it ain't funny.
"
"see john dogtrot his way down the street.
why, it's marsha he can't wait to meet.
see him stride, see him lope,
see him trip ? what a dope.
she just loves when he falls at her feet.
"
"your deputable agent, i sub;
now you want me to sample your grub.
who would poison your food?
well, i hate to be rude,
but to die for you? not likely, bub.
"
"look at all of the pennies i've got.
they are uniform, clones, the whole lot.
each identical brother
looks just like another ?
if some are difform, then they're not.
"
"when i worry that nobody cared,
and i wander around lost and scared,
then a couple of beers
help me drive out my fears.
i feel confident, loved, and impaired.
"
"we are stupefied, gertrude; it shows.
i can not touch my face with your nose.
you're forgetting your name ?
maybe mine is the same?
we are dozzled; my rose, you're a rose.
"
"robot gort's castability factor
is why he is such a great actor.
he's made out of metal
so what he can get'll
be a chance to be cast as a tractor.
"
"let me not to the marriage of true
minds admit they might shatter in two.
that's just what i'd say
about  coagmenta-
tion, the merging of me and of you.
"
"your absence has brought me dysphoria.
perhaps i was starting to boria.
i'm anxious, bereft,
worried sick since you left.
i'd improve if you'd let me see moria.
"
"you might think that i'm only a dum-
bledore. true, but i'm also a bum-
blebee, buzzing near you.
i'm a simpleton too.
i'm the bee in your bonnet, old chum.
"
"you are driving your family mad,
with your backtalk and acting so bad.
we simply don't need
to continue to feed
a belligerent smartass.  egad.
"
"i'm a very old dog, yes indeed.
my mobility's all gone to seed.
so look in your closet ?
i left a deposit;
i took a big dump and i peed.
"
"virgin brides and none other wear white,
so you, dear, should be more contrite.
i must discomplexion
your gown, for correction.
a red x on your butt is quite right.
"
"you'll see that its meanings are various,
but a docent had best be gregarious:
in museums, a guide ?
that's us; but outside,
a docent's a prof. ordinarius.
"
"a demirep (demimondaine)
provides service humane and profane;
yet her half-reputation
secures compensation:
she puts out for personal gain.
"
"my girlfriend's as rude as they come;
when she swears, it's like beating a drum.
i don't think that she's domable,
hardly take-home-able.
mom signaled no! with her thumb.
"
"just a spoonful of yeast beasties seem
to make bready treats rise when they teem.
i need coequal critters
to leaven my fritters ?
so, bro, can you spare me a deme?
"
"playing music's a kind of exam;
i might pass, if i don't make a clam.
can it be i was born
to miss notes on a horn?
luscious sounds and then >.
"
"john's behavior was always imperious,
authority driven and serious.
on his memorial,
read decretorial.
(wrong ? he was only delirious.)
"
"you seductive, corrupting galoot!
i should have been much more astute.
i'm depraved! i'm your tool ?
i turned vicious and cruel ?
i'm like you. why choose me to embrute?
"
"you just copy me, do like i do.
get your own life ? your envy shows through.
you're so off-the-chart emulous,
making me tremulous ?
life with you's all deja vu.
"
"my pet crocodile's really a gas!
he comes on to each good-looking lass.
my emydosaurian
pauses to glory in
chasing his next piece of ass.
"
"daddy daddy, we can't eat no more.
you're not listening ? our tummies are sore!
your behavior's cross-purpose ?
you gotta come burp us ?
we're upchucking lunch on the floor.
"
"a rolling stone gathers no moss,
and it might even suffer a loss.
so goodbye vegetation ?
this free emuscation
can clean it and give it a gloss.
"
"in your life, fleshly joys don't belong?
i believe that your encraty's wrong.
why, what's so ungodly
'bout everything bod'ly?
god's gift is wine, women and song.
"
"your message says, gottabee bare,
with aroddilee boddilee flare.
hey, your coding's absurd ?
i can't make out a word.
please rephrase it, but this time en clair.
"
"you're imagining things that upset you;
there are no angry mobs out to get you.
it's madness, deliracy,
not a conspiracy.
house burned down? lightning, i bet you.
"
"the singer's magnificent crooning
transported us ? how we were swooning!
the evening was capped
when he kept us enrapt
with a lecture on gargling and tuning.
"
"i would fail the test, so i thought,
so i cheated, afraid and distraught.
was i ever debarrassed!
my grade was the fairest ?
i'm thrilled that i didn't get caught.
"
"the election, eighteen eighty-four,
featured scandals you couldn't ignore:
james g. blaine, who knew better,
invoked ""burn this letter"",
which helped grover cleveland to score.
"
"life's a question mark ? what will ensue?
what will happen? what's coming for you?
there might not be a next
if you spend your life vexed.
if it doesn't begin, then it's through.
"
"my life grows more bleak by the hour;
i'm morose, glum, unfriendly and dour.
how can you be happy
when i'm feeling crappy,
and surly and sullen and sour?
"
"why'd i let you get under my skin?
you're an irritant, just like a pin.
my original notion
was, be my sweet lotion ?
endermic, and soothing within.
"
"ships in bottles don't last when i make 'em.
the long poles crack right off  when i shake 'em.
dismastment's for certain,
and leavin' me hurtin' ?
my work's down the drain when i break 'em.
"
"why is everything all about you?
every day's like another debut.
you are so self-immersed ?
you just have to be first.
egomaniac! guess what ? we're through.
"
"join the army ? be all you can be!
join the navy ? see every last sea!
go to college and learn
how much dough you can earn!
be a student ? an educatee!
"
"dear editors: please, will you stop
making changes?  you add, tweak and chop.
is this poem so bendable,
warped and emendable?
no! it's the cream of the crop.
"
"dichroitic's a two-meaning word.
dichroic's the same, and preferred ?
about crystals, all right,
that make polarized light,
or from white light two colors occurred.
"
"conservative dress appears prudish;
chic, trendy apparel is dudish.
but show lots of skin
and let oglers look in?
you floozy! your clothing is lewdish.
"
"this cute chick i met ? oh, was she leggy!
my manners were lewd, crude and dreggy.
did i get to first base?
she threw quiche in my face!
i escaped, but oh boy was i eggy.
"
"you used to look handsome and splendid;
i was ugly, deformed and distended.
but time took its toll ?
you've turned into a troll.
so it seems our dislikeness is ended.
"
"your deportment is always correct;
but decorement! ? i can't help detect
that it's only tomfoolery,
dime-store junk jewelry ?
tchotchkes ? a garish effect.
"
"your fingers relieve my frustration;
i relish your firm digitation.
you scratch, you massage,
and you rub ? a barrage
for my nerve-endings' gratification.
"
"she's the queen of the old bump 'n' grind ?
plastic surgeons refined her behind.
on the job, she's a busy-assed
curvy ecdysiast,
stripper and boon to mankind.
"
"dearest love, did you sit on a cheese?
when i'm near you i gag and i sneeze.
you're so moldy, emucid,
i'm smelling a deuced
aroma just north of your knees.
"
"they say oil and water don't mix.
but for artists, we know the mix clicks.
elydoric depictions
have no such restrictions.
combined, they make colorful pix.
"
"get help fast if you're pushed down a hill ?
open wounds get infected and kill.
a potent bacillicide
thwarts jackandjillicide.
die, germs! by ointment or pill.
"
"if you find mental blinders are wearyin',
if freedom of thought's your criterion,
then become a savant.
you can think what you want
if your mindset becomes eleutherian.
"
"i was self-assured, did what i chose,
lost my will, and now anything goes.
but my qualms shouldn't fool ya ?
it's only dysbulia.
that's serious enough, i suppose.
"
"keep diphthongal words out of your verse;
piles of trials, no more smiles, it gets worse:
rhyme and meter so foul
that you'll throw in the towel;
they will make your bowel growl and you'll curse.
"
"you are such an insensitive gal,
it's not worth it to be your best pal.
you might think we're just fun,
but my heart's dearly won.
true companionship boosts my morale.
"
"the good times roll on, they don't end.
i got all of the dough i can spend;
my babe keeps me cozy,
my attitude's rosy.
i'm truckin' down easy street, friend.
"
"you hunted me, made me your quarry.
you loved me ? well, that was your story.
you've gone to some length
to diminish my strength.
you are so damned emasculatory.
"
"my parakeet lives on my arm;
when i'm troubled, he sounds an alarm.
he's ectocommensal ?
his clear-sighted sense'll
prevent me from coming to harm.
"
"little soldier, you got to be barmy,
having just volunteered for the army.
so, now you're enlisted ?
you got your arm twisted?
your mama's all scared and alarmy.
"
"my sanity's starting to roam.
my teapot, my sofa, my comb ?
i'm afraid of them ? yikes!
eicophobia strikes.
i'm frightened by things in my home.
"
"oh god! mother mary! oh christ!
(are my expletives too highly spiced?
when i'm hurtin' so bad,
it's too much for egad!
gosh and golly?  they never sufficed.)
"
"break your fast ? eat your breakfast ? get going!
you need good nutrition for growing.
you mustn't delay
the first meal of the day,
but don't gulp it, or up you'll be throwing.
"
"you're a guy who is toxic and feral;
you're the cause of contagion and peril ?
you're a nasty bad apple
whose poisonous crap'll
afflict all the rest in the barrel.
"
"i have nightmares; i used to dream dreams.
i could socialize; now i scream screams.
every day is a shocker ?
i've gone off my rocker.
i'm coming apart at the seams.
"
"remember the day you were one?
your first birthday, your life just begun?
no, no ? zero was first,
both the best and the worst.
you were something new under the sun.
"
"your expenses can take a nice cut ?
business lunches are countable, but
entertainment deduction,
a tax-base construction,
won't cover seduction, you slut.
"
"a notched parapet built on a wall,
with its merlons the highest of all,
and with crenels between,
where you risk being seen:
an embattlement ? safe, strong and tall.
"
"our enemy built a machine;
it looks powerful, deadly and mean.
they'll use that big engine
to launch their revengin'.
that's somethin' i wish we'd foreseen.
"
"since you can't wait for soil erosion,
i'll begin with a little explosion.
yes sir, it's my pleasure
to dig up your treasure;
expect a rewarding effosion.
"
"you told them i can't be believed,
that i'm witless, unsafe, self-deceived.
i am so much the poorer
when you're my cojuror;
parole was denied, and i'm peeved.
"
"since my baby sweats faster and faster,
i cover her pores up with plaster ?
a handy emphractic
and part prophylactic.
one treatment a week oughta last 'er.
"
"the word caprid exists to denote
ram or ewe, ibex, tur. how kids dote
on the ones who look weird
'cause they're sporting a beard.
as the french say, chacun ? son goat.
"
"take four points (a to d) in a row;
their cross ratio's easy to know:
it's ac ? bd
per ad ? bc.
turn your quiz in and then you can go.
"
"i muse, as i speed down the lane,
what's decussative mean?  (it's arcane.)
then a sharp intersection
evades my detection,
and &lt;&lt;wham!!!&gt;&gt; acute angle!  and pain.
"
"i gave you the shirt off my back;
you're not worth it ? you phony, you quack.
so now i am shirtless
and you're still desertless ?
you really deserve a good smack.
"
"buy the farm means the end of the story.
it's when death comes on, all grim and gory.
the bell tolls for you
'cause you're just passing through.
take care, friend ? memento &lt;gulp&gt; mori.
"
"enjoying exciting affair.
on vacation ? no, not saying where.
by ocean, soft breeze ?
love and play as i please.
having wonderful time ? glad you're there.
"
". . . shadow figures at work in the night . . .
up the gangplank they creep, out of sight.
they were fearful that dark meant
a risky embarkment.
. . . the ship slips away before light . . .
"
"eisoptrophobia: fear of a mirror ?
my reflection! it's coming in clearer ?
now i'm going to shout ?
like i'm freaking right out ?
now it's ? help!!! ? coming nearer and nearer!
"
"dancing hippos in every direction,
and elephants ? such a collection!
i'm seeing them here
'cause i drank too much beer.
but it's only today's ebriection.
"
"did you know that the great yogi berra
wasn't born in the country of eire?
this famed yankee stallion
is very italian,
not irish (from ireland).  so therra.
"
"yucky crayfish suck sludge in my pond.
ugly beasties ? of them i'm not fond.
and yet grilled ecrevisse
cost a dollar apiece ?
c'est tr?s savoureux, pour le gourmand!
"
"should i yes? should i no? such a riddle!
i'm pushed and i'm pulled, so i fiddle.
it's avoidance-approach,
and i need a good coach ?
i keep winding up smack in the middle.
"
"this electoress wants you elected.
she'll vote for you, as you expected.
but gee, you look nervous ?
you paid for the service,
which only just now got detected.
"
"defining elliptically ?  read:
like concisely expressed.  now proceed.
like a circle when stretched,
long and thin when it's sketched.
or like unexplained jump.  all agreed?
"
"you're an egotist, stuck-up and stony,
conceited, cold-shouldered and phony.
you're selfish and flighty,
aloof, high-and-mighty.
you're full of hot air and baloney.
"
"you're too big for your britches, oh my!
i am taking you down from on high.
if you have the ability,
show some humility.
egotist! eat humble pie.
"
"my aunt dotty's determined to dazzle.
(she's slutty ? that hussy, that drazel!)
she's simply colossal!
(the floozy, the drossel!)
at present, she's worn to a frazzle.
"
"watch me make a dumb cnidophobe freeze!
he'll believe he's surrounded by bees.
i will buzz with my tongue
'cause he fears getting stung.
he's a fraidy-cat; i'm such a tease!
"
"askew go my wandering eyes,
ogling chicks up and down. i surmise
that acute cyclophoria
lets me see more o' ya:
eye-muscle weakness's prize.
"
"i etched a big sign for my door
to lure customers into my store.
it's a pretty unsavory
bit of engravery:
body parts, buzz saws, and more.
"
"of smart limericks let us make fun:
herein backward the sentences run.
to unravel it's hard ?
would pooh-pooh it the bard.
puffed up verse of this kind ought we shun.
"
"want to act like a pedant, a boor?
when you're chatting, just throw in discoure.
it's discover ? how sweet!
this old word's obsolete;
you look smart, and your friends are unsure.
"
"i come first. i command with duplicity.
i crave any kind of publicity.
i crush competition.
i curse inhibition.
i climax on egocentricity.
"
"a fetus grows, uterus-free;
an eyeball grows out of a knee.
if you aren't myopic
you'll see they're ectopic:
they're not where they really should be.
"
"fancy moulding on top of my door
extends out just a little bit more.
it's pagodalike, yet
called greek ear or crossette.
it's just art.  what's it for?  my decor.
"
"distribut- (""divide"", you agree?)
with -ary flows off to the sea.
conjoined, they deliver
a branch of a river
that runs off forever ? like me.
"
"luscious vegetables, pastries and meats,
haute cuisine, superb viennese sweets,
broiled lobster and pheasant ?
you'll find them not present
downtown at  joe's bar and good eats.
"
"mom insisted i clean up my room;
she delivered a speech and a broom.
but her presence, of course, meant
that rigid enforcement,
like threats and coercion, would loom.
"
"two jeffersons, lincoln, two grants ?
dead presidents meeting by chance.
they're a load in my wallet
but why not let's call it
a hundred-nine bucks in my pants.
"
"an organization's regime
can be vanquished, when new members scheme
to undo its positions
and foist their ambitions.
such work is an entryist's dream.
"
"fruitcake lunacy had us both caught.
we were frenzied, we fretted, we fought.
those hysterical spats ?
they were driving us bats.
we were cuckoo, deranged, overwrought.
"
"if your country of residence ain't
very peaceful or pleasant or quaint,
then how much would you give
to depart where you live?
demigration resolves your complaint.
"
"my pet boa goes up in a tree,
sheds his skin there like so much debris.
when his ecdysis ends,
snakey always descends
bright and shiny and lovely to see.
"
"a rose is a rose was a rose.
something comes, takes the stage, something goes ?
great events long forgotten,
ideas gone rotten.
the dustheap of history grows.
"
"say so long to your dad and your mom,
if you're planning on leaving islam.
since apostasy's death,
you'll soon take your last breath,
or you'll spend your life running. salaam!
"
"our company took a big loss.
my esteemed dormant partner is cross ?
the books that i kept
were all fudged while he slept.
what a dope, letting me be the boss.
"
"it's a bell-like device that can claim
part of radio history fame.
the coherer's glass wrapper
gets tapped by a clapper:
the lodge decoherer, by name.
"
"your windows look milky and gray;
if they're glass then they've suffered decay ?
hazy shadows i see.
chalcedonic? might be.
micro-crystalline quartz, i would say.
"
"on the night they released me from jail,
i never looked back; i turned tail.
but emancipatory
ain't quite the whole story ?
i'm running again. i jumped bail.
"
"i'm destroying your power to shoot ?
now your king days are over, you brute.
i'm your doom ? your debilitant,
trained as a militant,
crippling you. vive la lutte!
"
"if jesus turned water to wine,
then its boiling point had to decline.
could he get a close spec
with a temperature check?
an ebullioscope would have worked fine.
"
"how we loved, from our heads to our toes!
hearts and minds, it was anything goes.
then life's weight worked its wonder;
it tore us asunder.
damned time took the blush off the rose.
"
"hey kafr ? don't touch that qur'an.
don't lay infidel fingers upon
islam's book. it's like this ?
that is blasphemousness.
you're the worst of all creatures, begone!
"
"god help us, the student's possessed!
he's unholy ? his teacher is stressed.
he's a sick energumen,
but smart catechumen.
his catechist wants him confessed.
"
"a big snake has me wrapped in its grasp.
(take a guess ? anaconda or asp?)
it's my life's latest hurdle ?
i can't disengirdle
my body. there goes my last ga?
"
"big sale today! prices are dropping!
you're itching to spend; there's no stopping.
but use perspicacity;
curb your emacity.
stop your promiscuous shopping.
"
"this inept violinist is sad;
my double stops sound really bad.
playing two notes at once
ain't the best of my stunts ?
wretched harmony's driving me mad.
"
"john's muscular strength is titanic.
he's beating on people. he's manic.
his leg's got a dogtie
(a cramp). quick, let's hogtie
him, ward off a general panic.
"
"when babe saunters out i'm okay,
but i worry she's going astray.
when she comes home at last
then i question her fast.
i efflagitate babe every day.
"
"billy budd  is a heartwrenching parable:
billy's hanging was senseless and terrible.
like so many fools,
captain vere revered rules.
his ethic was cold and unbearable.
"
"for the punch in my eye, thanks a lot,
and the kick in my butt caused a clot.
looks like jokes that i crack
turn me red, blue and black.
every gag leaves an ecchymosed spot.
"
"i've got plenty of passionate fans,
and my talent's as good as a man's,
but i can't get employed ?
my morale is destroyed,
so to hell with my life's best-laid plans.
"
"our discussion's gone into a stall;
i'm not getting my point through at all.
now your mind's closed as hell,
so i just might as well
bang my head &lt;&lt;ouch!&gt;&gt; against a brick wall.
"
"many things that are round and capacious
have shapes we can call cylindraceous:
just diameter, height
make a commonplace sight
whose existence in life is tenacious.
"
"when you're fingered for being a slut,
and your case might seem open and shut,
what you've got to produce is
a lot of excuses.
you learn how to cover your butt.
"
"the boob tube is on 'cause you're bored;
sitcoms, dramas, and such ? what a horde!
but behind-the-scenes guys
sometimes win a big prize
for the best ones ? the emmy award.
"
"i'll give something to god in my life
to assuage times of trouble and strife.
you're my gift for the one;
you're my deodate, hon.
oh dear lord, have a ball ? take my wife.
"
"i've endured ups and downs in my life;
they're the fault of my trouble and strife ?
she is driving me bats.
you're confused? because that's
cockney rhyming slang, meaning my wife.
"
"see how marilyn craves to be wed,
to inherit john's wealth, so she said.
please contradistinguish
this golddigger's ring wish
from john's. he just wishes her dead.
"
"you can see what a metaphor's worth
when you speak of encircling a girth:
my belt is so placed
to encompass my waist;
the equator engirds planet earth.
"
"the ministers came to enthrone
the young king, but they stood all alone.
there'll be no coronation;
the kid's abdication
for disneyland means his reign's blown.
"
"you believe all the world is a stage
where poor players make vows they disgage.
if you take back your pledge
not to jump off a ledge,
you will die at a very young age.
"
"mozart's symphony 9 in c-dur
has that major key's cheerful allure.
might c-moll have been finer
(composed in the minor)?
how sad ? we can never be sure.
"
"my job at the airport demands
that i grope you and squeeze with my hands.
this succinct explanation
provides disculpation
for probing your crannies and glands.
"
"when i'm milking my favorite cow,
i'm turned on ? i'm like all here and now.
for this act of emulgence
i crave her indulgence.
but she likes it also ? and how!
"
"a gaggle of clowns, short and tall,
were confined in a big hollow ball.
you ask, why were they here?
to interpret ensphere.
but some died.  others had a close call.
"
"babe, get outta here! oh yeah, we're through.
no chance meetings, no messages too.
let's just stay far apart ?
it'll break my poor heart
if i ever brush up against you.
"
"i'm a masochist ? hurt me. whoopee!
i got bruises our friends all can see.
when they ask why i stay,
i look baffled and say,
""there's just somethin' about him ? beats me!""
"
"the bride's brazenness puts her to shame.
her excuse is so bold that it's lame:
""as i started to smile
i saw you down the aisle,
and i barfed, so it's you who's to blame.""
"
"let's do smorgasbord ? all you can eat.
fill our plates way up, eat and repeat.
gonna pig out today
at the big ass buffet,
waddle out and throw up in the street.
"
"background melody tortures my brain,
on the phone, out in public, such pain!
it's wherever i go;
does it play on death row?
it's canned music ? it drives me insane.
"
"why, you ingrate, you liar, you snitch!
you malevolent, hard-hearted witch!
you unkind ill-behaved
unrelenting depraved
dapocaginous bloodthirsty bitch!
"
"i'll disclose what my secret's about
when my trust in you isn't in doubt.
you just have to agree
it's between you and me ?
swear to god that you won't let it out.
"
"you asked a tough question ? oh brother!
the answer is something or other.
was i called out of town
the night london burned down?
let me see ? i ? uh ? ask me another.
"
"the law of the jungle's severe.
you must kill to survive, watch your rear.
gotta eat or be eaten
and fight or get beaten ?
you learn a lot, living in fear.
"
"carnivorous folks, take a taste:
beetles, monkey brains, octopus paste,
fried ants with pastrami,
fresh maggot salami,
with tapeworm p?t? interlaced.
"
"i think i would bet even money,
when my nose becomes drippy and runny,
and stuff plops in my brew,
on my dog, or on you,
that some smart aleck says ""that snot funny.""
"
"hey loudmouth, you're in for a fight.
you're a pansy-ass chicken, alright.
you make a big racket
with nothing to back it.
big wimp ? you're all bark and no bite.
"
"only miscreants have the desire
to make flames of hostility higher.
well, that's not my concern,
and so burn, baby, burn.
now watch me add fuel to the fire.
"
"bottoms up!  we toast elsie the cow!
she is older than you are, and how!
she's the first of her ilk
to endorse borden's milk,
and her husband's still selling stuff now.
"
"a sperm cell is coming to greet
lady egg cell (a female gamete).
reproduction in mind?
yes, they must be combined;
by herself, she's a tad incomplete.
"
"you study all night and all day;
you're exhausted, burned out, so i'll say,
better come up for air,
take a break! don't you care
if i bug you with such a clich??
"
"uncle rodney can't get no respect;
his contempt for his kin goes unchecked.
he derides his compeers,
sticks his thumbs in his ears,
shows despect to them all, in effect.
"
"coequally, that's how to live:
equal partners, to get and to give.
""we're the same"" was your vow ?
that was then, this is now.
you screwed up, mr. brain-like-a-sieve.
"
"there's no one who poops quite like you do.
have you noticed what folks in the loo do?
they sit 'til they're done.
but you go for a run,
and you leave the road loaded with doodoo.
"
"true, i sweet-talked you into my palace ?
deception, but not dolus malus;
it's more dolus bonus:
i blush from the onus
of fudging the size of my phallus.
"
"every room down at mabel's motel
has a tract for each mademoiselle:
a companion to gideon ?
a great enchiridion,
a handbook named steer clear of hell.
"
"a coordinate axis is half
of a template upon which to graph
mathematical lines
and a lot of designs ?
plot a spiral, a rose, a giraffe!
"
"our date must have left you in doubt
if i'll ever come out of my drought.
please don't be resentful
that nothing eventful
occurred on our only night out.
"
"there's no bones in their legs, that's correct,
but their armor's designed to protect.
exoskeletal features
are well known in creatures
like insects that children collect.
"
"a capacitive circuit must be
when the voltage lags current (ac).
a working condenser
is trying to censor
potential change ? to a degree.
"
"you need gravel? it's only crushed rock.
swing a sledge hammer then, whack a block.
smashing boulders to rubble
is really no trouble,
just blisters and backache and shock.
"
"the philosopher no longer wowed;
his acuteness came under a cloud.
so the great intuitionist
turned exhibitionist,
mooning the philistine crowd.
"
"costly clocks all go ""tick tick tick tick ..."".
why no ""tock"", you ask? here is the trick:
the answer's not deep ?
it's  because tock is cheap.
too darn bad if this joke makes you sick.
"
"sixteen leaves from four folds of a sheet
makes our radical pamphlet petite.
we're ferocious, although
decimosexto will show
that our uprising's really discreet.
"
"don't give up and don't get yourself blotto;
you're a swell-lookin' sexy tomato ?
you're depressed and you're lost,
but don't sniff the exhaust
that comes out of the back of your auto.
"
"baby's feces have happily flowed
since his birth, as his diapers all showed.
his excretive renown
is the toast of the town ?
bottoms up when he drops a big load!
"
"here's a way to come close up to dyin':
try tweakin' the nose of a lion.
you'd be brushing with death;
it could mean your last breath ?
one good bite, and your head goes a-flyin'.
"
"after goulash and gumbo, my ass
was exploding with gut-wrenching gas.
but i know that i'll poop
and get rid of this soup.
as the adage says, ""this stew shall pass.""
"
"my garden's all spotty with cu-
cumber blight, called mosaic, it's true.
this plant-eating virus
leaves no one desirous
of sampling my veggie fondue.
"
"by the way means there's more i would say
as an afterthought, though i might play
with my point, which i tend
to put off to the end.
by the way, mister, care for a lay?
"
"come straight over and take me, big tipper.
i'm your kitten, your slut and your stripper.
i'll be your sweet feline
if you make a beeline
for me, my hot bod and my zipper.
"
"you used to be sultry and hot,
but you cooled, and now look what i got ?
a bad taste in my mouth
'cause our love's going south,
to hell in a basket, to pot.
"
"tell what part of an ounce is a dr.
doctors need this to pass their ex.
marsha won't be named dr.;
her wrong answer blr.
it's an eighth or a sixteenth, mad.
"
"dear john, i'm so sorry to send
you a letter that says it's the end.
but you bring me bad luck,
you despicable shmuck.
deploredly yours, your ex-friend.
"
"what we're doing in bed isn't right ?
off to church now to get the green light!
be my new blushing bride;
let's go cast sin aside
and get back in the sack before night.
"
"you're annoying ? that's so true to form.
our relations are always lukewarm.
but my pain is profound,
no one else is around,
so i'll take any port in a storm.
"
"a good lim'rick observes a strict plan;
disordination's taboo,
jumbled lines are a clue
when there's something askew,
and it's confusing when the meter doesn't scan.
"
"what's it mean when they say ""you're a dope!""?
how i wish that they'd detail the scope.
to dope out all the ways,
they could simply rephrase:
""you can't read, write, do math, think or cope.""
"
"happy birthday! no reason to cry.
gosh, we all have to go by and by.
the good cheer i can give
is the longer you live,
then the sooner you're going to die.
"
"there's corned beef on rye, there's pastrami;
there's bagels and lox, and salami.
i'm down at the deli
indulging my belly.
some halvah i'll shlep home for mommy.
"
"are you aging, don't know where you're going?
time's past when your juices were flowing?
are you bent? are you frail?
social graces gone stale?
too bad, your caducity's showing.
"
"when you're lying awake, your head aches;
your mind spins, and you can't hit the brakes.
lying down ? decubation ?
gives no relaxation.
recumbence is not all it takes.
"
"do geese really know how to talk?
they fly over and make such a squawk ?
all at once, all together;
they're birds of a feather.
whatever they say, it's en bloc.
"
"you could say that i'm hard to excite,
to electrify, rivet, delight,
to arouse for a while,
to enrapture, beguile,
or to ravish till morning.  good night.
"
"our relationship's pretty much shot,
so i'm leaving, believe it or not.
don't you think that i'm going?
your bank account's showing
i took all the money you got.
"
"i'm dizzy, i'm sore and uneasy.
i'm feverish, headachy, queasy,
with cramps in my gut,
and a pain in my butt.
guess i'm feeling a little diseasy.
"
"exacerbation: more pique, more frustration,
more knots in a tough situation;
more heat, irritation,
annoyance, vexation,
ire, fury, rage, wrath, aggravation!
"
"lemme flush your high hopes down the john ?
boy, your luck and your future are gone.
oh yeah, i can dig
that you like to think big,
but you don't stand a chance, so dream on.
"
"life is tragedy, sadness, travail;
we hold on, but existence is frail.
so here's my advice:
live with someone who's nice,
play some music, eat well,  get some tail.
"
"i'm superb ? i'm so great i could shout!
i'm much better than you; there's no doubt.
so you hate me, you fume,
and i'm barred from your room.
my excellence makes me stand out.
"
"mind your business with all due dispatch.
invest wisely ? but wait, there's a catch.
you had better delay
spending funds on the way.
count your chickens, but wait till they hatch.
"
"i just shattered a rare antique cup.
do i wanna get outta here?  yup.
but, how to get going
without my host knowing ?
i wish i could say ""beam me up!""
"
"when i'm with you i just never know
if you like our amour fast or slow.
what's the right thing to do
when i'm messing with you?
clue me in, please. so what's comme il faut?
"
"oh stinko! oh yuck, ugh and ewwwww!
i plopped in a big pile o' poo.
i'm all smelly and gooey ?
damn bummer, oh phooey!
i'm grumbling ? what else can i do?
"
"our restaurant welcomes each guest
no matter how poorly they're dressed.
but we have to exclude
you for coming in nude
from your knees all the way to your chest.
"
"it's surprising that nobody faults
fr?d?ric chopin's terse treatment of shmaltz.
opus 64:1
isn't hardly begun
when it's done ? his petite minute waltz.
"
"coca cola ? shake up a whole case;
 co2 bubbles up every place.
yeah, decarbonate soda
and stay for the coda ?
the bottles explode in your face.
"
"ups and downs, how you make my brain clutch!
cycle on, cycle off ? you're too much!
okay, babe, where's the switch
that'll turn off your bitch,
turn on sweetness and get us in touch?
"
"long ago, spanish rice shipped by train,
but times change and now airfreight's mundane.
so it's sent in a flash,
but each time there's a crash,
grain in spain mainly falls from the plane.
"
"are the bubbles all gone from your beer?
honey, sometimes they just don't appear.
here's a process for you
to assess co2:
titrate alkalimetrically, dear.
"
"my lovely young girlfriend contends
that she and my wife are good friends,
that they're wholly exchangeable,
quite rearrangeable
doubles, from faces to ends.
"
"tv sitcoms have got me immersed;
food and sex and the boob tube come first.
they're addicting, engrossing ?
i need diagnosing ?
i'm gripped, i'm arrested.  i'm cursed.
"
"best-loved fruits: figs, papayas, dates, limes,
guavas, lychees and mangos, at times.
aparithmesis?  yes,
so you don't have to guess.
i'd name more, but i'm all out of rhymes.
"
"fair punishment's always a show
when our classroom behavior goes low.
the teacher says candidly,
""i'll evenhandedly
slap all your butts in a row.""
"
"i was packed in a well-guarded box;
little space, little light, heavy locks.
wha'd i do, where've i been?
i'm all cramped, i'm closed in.
they confined me in here to detox.
"
"all your research is such a damn mess ?
calculations and facts in distress.
no footnotes or labels?
statistical tables?
exactness here's anyone's guess.
"
"trigonometry: angle, degree ?
i don't get it. i flunked it.  let's see,
it's got pi; it's got theta,
and alpha and beta ?
i tried, but it's all greek to me.
"
"no one else makes me happy or blue.
no one else does to me what you do.
every face was the same
till the moment you came.
no one else turns me on except you.
"
"i awake with my head full of dreams;
i am destined for greatness, it seems ?
but it doesn't take long
for it all to go wrong.
so much for today's best-laid schemes.
"
"does the taj mahal give you a kick?
i'll disclose its strange origin quick:
it was built to perfection,
the largest erection
a guy ever got for a chick.
"
"elementary geometry deals
with the logic of shapes, and appeals
to the orderly mind
that within it can find
euclid's elements mental square meals.
"
"i'm a fault-finder, stern and exacting.
i find sloppiness dumb and distracting.
you'll find that i'm nice
when you're sharp and precise.
if you're not, and i am, then i'm acting.
"
"when something's precise, it's exact.
it's clear-cut, it's dead-on, it's a fact.
it's specific and certain;
there's no foggy curtain.
it's flawless; its truth is intact.
"
"donkey engine or boiler or pump ?
that's an extra machine that can jump
into action ? it's tapped
if the main one gets zapped ?
gets your enterprise over the hump.
"
"bold and frisky, i jumped out of bed ?
but i shoulda stayed in it instead.
so who woulda thunk
i'd fall outa my bunk,
double over and land on my  head?
"
"i was pedaling faster and faster,
wheels humming, cool breeze, then disaster!
oh, how i dislike
flying off of my bike.
i'm banged up and my arm's cast in plaster.
"
"father taught me how churches behave,
how they're used, how they're built (where's the nave?).
that's ecclesiological,
part pedagogical,
technical knowledge i crave.
"
"discruciate mama, you dog;
tie her hands and her feet to a log.
then continue her torture,
reward for the scorcher
she wrote about us in her blog.
"
"do you know what it means to endorse?
it's like branding the back of your horse ?
you might say to endoss
the back end of your hoss,
but endoss is archaic, of course.
"
"woody woodpecker's head sports a crest;
mr. cockatoo too is so blessed.
their sartorial-bliss state
is splendidly  cristate;
with tufts, they're impeccably dressed.
"
"a strange ship docked; we wondered, what is it?
they waved us aboard for a visit.
did anyone say
it would soon disembay?
well, they shanghaied us!  that ain't nice, is it?
"
"determining cubature might
require timesing the length, width, and height.
but the calculus serves
to solve volumes with curves,
when you learn how to integrate right.
"
"you know i'm admiring your curves,
but my shyness has ample reserves.
and you know what i need,
but you want me to lead.
i can't stomach this battle of nerves.
"
"my sweet baby's turned off ? i am shocked
that the door to her bedroom is locked.
i'm resolving this chasm;
i sprinkle empasm.
my awful aroma  is blocked.
"
"an ounce of prevention, for sure,
is worth a half kilo of cure.
so make chemoprophylactic
behavior your tactic;
strong medicine keeps your health pure.
"
"i'm a blistering demagogue, proud
i can get my sheep blown-away wowed.
i arouse them in stages,
i rattle their cages.
oh boy, can i crank up a crowd!
"
"i'm micrurus fulvius, alright;
yellow, black and red bands ? gorgeous sight.
eastern coral snake? yes.
am i poisonous? guess.
i'll confirm that with one little bite.
"
"you behave like i'm only a load,
like a burden, like goods to be stowed.
excess baggage, am i?
well, hello and goodbye ?
so are you babe, like one for the road.
"
"today you have split your last hair;
open up now and face me full square.
don't waffle, withdraw,
side-step, hedge, hem or haw.
just explicitly say if you care.
"
"study civics and history, do;
sociology, poli-sci too.
enculturation you need ?
learn our forefathers' creed,
'cause you vote, but you haven't a clue.
"
"full of fury, you get in my face;
white hot anger is such a disgrace.
your continuing presence
spells more excandescence ?
cool down now and give me some space.
"
"this chick from a neighboring school
spelled it out for me, ""don't be a fool ?
honey, whaddaya say
to a roll in the hay?""
extramural activities rule!
"
"happy birthday to you!  you're not done ?
your adventure has just rebegun.
here's to many more trips
on that year-long ellipse ?
have another free ride 'round the sun.
"
"it's your bedtime ? stop pleading, you brat!
no more stories, no drinks, and that's that.
why you're loud and demanding
defies understanding.
now shut your damn eyes and lie flat.
"
"the president's speaking, so hush.
his exaugural speech ? it's to blush!
he is leaving his post
and we'll give him the most
uninhibited outgoing flush.
"
"armed services sounded like fun;
i enlisted ? next day i was done.
they said no, i'm exempt ?
i'm no use, i'm farklempt.
i'm too nervous to pick up a gun.
"
"my master is out on patrol
to find out if i dug a new hole.
but he shouldn't indict
my effodient rite ?
bowwow arf, that's my bonafide role.
"
"dumping poison in lakes gets publicity
for its far-ranging ecotoxicity.
likewise, don't get the notion
to pee in the ocean ?
it might come across as complicity.
"
"keep on trying to get your damn way.
go on, scream ? i just love what you say.
no ? stop messing with me.
that's epitrope, see?
go to hell ? i mean, have a nice day.
"
"a crop tree can play a big role,
like becoming a telephone pole,
or in some other clever
commercial endeavor,
like cork, used to stop up a hole.
"
"i'm bewildered, confused and in doubt.
when you mess with my mind, i blank out.
does it fill you with glee,
emberlucocking me?
what the hell are you talking about?
"
"ol' grampa broke out of his cage;
to the whorehouse he ran in a rage.
at a hundred and three
he's got more oomph than me.
he's exceedingly spry for his age.
"
"old noah is worthy of note
for the animals leaving his boat.
you know what the ark meant ?
a mass disembarkment,
the payback for getting god's goat.
"
"my babe's sometimes cold, sometimes hot.
should i love her to pieces or not?
well, for now, turn my gush off ?
she gave me the brush-off.
a new guy has taken my spot.
"
"little lamb, did you run off from mary?
was she getting a bit too contrary?
well, you're only a pup,
an exiguous tup.
teeny sheep like you gotta be wary.
"
"the president's keen and acute;
love or hate him, admit he's astute.
no, he isn't defunct ?
he's alive and emunct.
disagree? well then, give him the boot.
"
"my relations with women are lame,
i'm alone and depressed ? what a shame.
i have run out of tricks
while you're rolling in chicks.
hey bro, can you spare me a dame?
"
"truth is sometimes so hard to unearth;
amid falsehoods and lies, there's a dearth.
it is yours to discure ?
just throw out the manure ?
and discover how much it is worth.
"
"your rudeness is more than a pain.
do i judge you?  i think i'll abstain.
but don't think you're exempt ?
you're beneath my contempt,
my derision, my scorn and disdain.
"
"why, you con-artist phony (political)!
you fudged your analysis (critical).
your slick greedy ways'll
corrupt your appraisal,
you son of a bitch (parasitical)!
"
"touchy-feely is how you connect;
you grab on and our parts intersect.
your conjunctiveness means
that we're squeezed like sardines.
that's so cute, but my privacy's wrecked.
"
"where's a stunningly beautiful chick
who can get this old heart beating quick ?
a divine goddess face
to take back to my place?
drop-dead gorgeous, yes, that's who i'd pick.
"
"cyrano's nose is immense.
if you stare, you will give him offense ?
it is such an enormity,
such a deformity.
look away fast! my two cents.
"
"all's quiet on the ol' western front,
where there's nary a whisper nor grunt.
but you'll hear mama snort
when she chugs a whole quart ?
gulping beer gets her loud, coarse and blunt.
"
"your claim is that you're my old flame,
but my memory's gone ? what's your name?
well, it's not that i doubt ?
guess i rubbed you right out.
you're erased, you effaceable dame.
"
"i can sing, i can dance, i can act;
crowds go nuts at the jokes that i've cracked.
i'm a great entertainer,
and here's a no-brainer ?
i strip, 'cause i'm pretty well stacked.
"
"cupric sulphate's a very deep blue,
like my mood became, now that we're through.
chalcocyanite tea
is the tonic for me
so i'll upchuck my longing for you.
"
"oh, the pain that you're putting me through!
it is time that you tasted it too,
so you'll suffer, you'll ache,
you contemptible snake.
now it's my turn, excruciable you!
"
"old-time words, dead, archaic or rare ?
if you use 'em you'd better beware.
bumptious readers get frantic
and call you pedantic
for prising them out of thin air.
"
"you think mating with you is a breeze?
i'm exhausted, i'm ready to seize.
i'm depleted, expended,
limp, overextended,
sucked dry, spent, blown, drained, on my knees.
"
"though i make lots of money, i spend it.
i can't stop it, can't help or defend it.
i'm a sucker with dough ?
easy come, easy go ?
that's my way, and i don't recommend it.
"
"the islamic hadiths and qur'an
make adultery sin (pass it on!).
after urge, merge, and splurge
you get purge, scourge, and dirge.
adulterers come, then they're gone.
"
"your electro-gilt wish was ill-fated.
the administered voltage created
veneer of pure gold,
but you should have been told
that your poodle should not have been plated.
"
"a daughtercard lives in computers.
(no, it's not a small card with big hooters.)
it connects to a motherboard ?
that is another board.
soncard?  ? ah, no.  and no neuters.
"
"want your freedom?  i wouldn't begrudge you.
you're useless, but who'm i to judge you?
so listen, you knave you,
i wouldn't enslave you,
confine, shackle, yoke or endrudge you.
"
"a river, a valley, a strait,
all have openings where they dilate
at the end of their tours.
they are called debouchures,
from la bouche, french for mouth, to translate.
"
"""build a home for me; be my erecter!""
she nagged me; i had to deflect her.
i built her a mansion;
she begged for expansion ?
""a landing,"" she said. so i decked her.
"
"learning length units well takes a while.
let's begin with the old english mile ?
in kilometers? fine,
one point six zero nine.
awesome news for the circular file.
"
"divorce provides clear opportunity
to terminate painful disunity,
like stupid aggressions
and chance indiscretions:
clean break from a sad discommunity.
"
"many lightyears away, there is what?
do the stars run out? is there a glut?
the extramundane
really pumps up the brain ?
astrophysics, or faith for a nut.
"
"imperfections are hastened away
by some slimy suspensions of clay.
such engobes are like slips;
they conceal little chips
in your statuette: brush on or spray.
"
"i committed an energy crime ?
i stole so many joules in my prime.
and then i confessed
that poached ergs were the best.
i chickened, and then i did time.
"
"your brown eyes make me dizzy, like wine;
your pink bill and white belly are fine,
and your birdy brain weathers
my groping your feathers,
you sweet dark-eyed junco of mine.
"
"i can sleep in days, run around nights;
i can curse, disobey, provoke fights;
i can storm, i can rage, ?
so begins the first page
of my new declaration of rights.
"
"sit upright and center your dorsal in,
then carefully dribble your morsel in;
and when your excretion
is done to completion,
it has to be flushed down the porcelain.
"
"rotten eggs make a big smelly mess;
their aroma is hard to suppress,
and there's not much to do
when the yolk is on you
but enjoy breathing in h2s.
"
"sweaty armpits is not a neurosis,
so what's the correct diagnosis?
when your pits are so gross
all your friends adios,
you got axillary hyperhydrosis.
"
"the dancers were starting to go.
the dance band was playing too slow.
says the leader, ""play cut time,
it's wiggle-your-butt time,
take off!  twice as fast!  let it flow!""
"
"your size doubled, but don't be distressed,
'cuz from my point of view, you're the best.
your considerableness
fills a size 40 dress.
you're like two babes in one ? i'm twice blessed.
"
"the clay here is sticky and cold,
red and brown, and it's spotted with mold.
god provided a lotta
first-rate terracotta,
awaiting its turn to get bowled.
"
"the eschalot war brings a chill;
i remember the deadly stench still,
when they fed their battalions
on nothing but scallions.
bad breath from an onion can kill.
"
"where'd i go to last night?  well, um, errr...
i could tell you, but hey, it's a blur.
it's explainable, yes;
i'll name names, i'll confess,
and i swear it'll never recur.
"
"spreading islam is intricate science.
learn ways to solicit compliance;
explain away fear,
soothe the infidel ear.
study da'wah, your guide, your reliance.
"
"my attorney stands out from the crowd;
he is calm and imposing and proud.
no serious question
can harm his digestion,
except when he comes to work plowed.
"
"expect me to grumble and grouse,
since you're throwing me out of the house.
and my stuff? i assume
you'll evacate my room.
holy cow, you're one hell of a spouse.
"
"i'm sorry, please pardon me, do.
i regret that i cheated on you.
pray accept my oration
of lush excusation.
it grieves me that none of it's true.
"
"so much waiting for data to go
on its way to be processed ? too slow!
today's double buffering
helps ease your suffering:
hi-tech computer i/o.
"
"gallivanting all over the town
earns my scoldingest lecturing frown.
a stern reprimand ought
to prevent impure thought.
what you need is a good brushing down.
"
"good fortune, you're love at first sight.
babe, i'm counting on you ? get it right.
what else can i do
but encarnalize you?
luck, be a lady tonight.
"
"any wacky rube goldberg invention
is intricate ? that's the intention.
much fun for all ages,
cartoonish compages ?
gears, pulleys and stuff, did i mention?
"
"have you blown your poetic agility,
permitting arrhythmic ductility?
you're still worth your salt,
'cause it isn't your fault
if you can't fit in disrespectability.
"
"you're a gang-bangin' bullyin' brute,
and i'm bustin' your butt with my boot.
your butthole is little;
my leg's long, so it'll
stick deep and securely: enroot.
"
"this mythical hellhole ain't pretty;
it's lawless; it's gruff, grim and gritty.
every buckaroo knows
it's where anything goes ?
you can do what you want in dodge city.
"
"got purple?  got yellow?  got gray?
get your color filters ? buy some today!
glass or gelatin, dyed,
they're designed to provide
all the hues that you want to portray!
"
"petty dictator i, such a pest;
i hurt people who treat me the best.
yes, i'm acting imperiously,
most deleteriously,
living alone and depressed.
"
"thoughtful lists of intelligent rules
make good organizational tools.
dos and don'ts really better
fit needs to the letter;
if not, they're the madness of fools.
"
"if i'd go exploring for ore, i'd
choose cryolite. years past i swore i'd
exploit it as flux,
and cart off in big trucks
my aluminum sodium fluoride.
"
"this string instrument takes up some space.
picture big violin in your face.
complex melody floats
on its very low notes ?
it's the orchestra's huge double bass.
"
"when i'm achy, dragged out and distressed,
your backrubs and hugs are the best.
i'm so glad you're embracive;
now be more invasive ?
start in by caressing the rest.
"
"why, you bloodthirsty beast, are you hopin'
that killin's a good way of copin'?
then eventerate me;
cut me up and you'll see.
come eviscerate me, rip me open.
"
"the docs drilled a hole in my head.
the aperture hurt and it bled;
then it drained and it oozed.
and suppose i'd refused?
not to worry, they said, i'd be dead.
"
"columbus's puzzle's a fable:
could he stand an egg up? it's unstable.
""se?ores, you're jerks ?
now you'll see how it works.""
then he smashed the end flat on the table.
"
"twice a day comes the call from my mate;
insurmountable? no, she is great.
she's conceptious, no quitter,
but such a big litter!
i pussyfoot, go for the bait.
"
"black jewfish ? good grief, such a name!
we are groupers, of haute cuisine fame.
hyporthodus nigritus ?
gourmets love to eat us!
we're that good, so they're not to blame.
"
"when you breathe in and out you assume
your exhalement resembles perfume.
but each new exhalation
brings calls for cessation ?
your breath can sure empty a room.
"
"hear some music, see art, work and play ?
don't bicker and fight every day,
because life's so enriching
without all the bitching.
get with it, get yours, get away.
"
"i'm away from my desk for the day.
the boss put this sign up to say
that you'd best disappear.
well, he's really still here
but won't see you ? it's such a clich?!
"
"the speed cops will not derestrict
quiet side streets, but don't think i'm licked.
although racing my chopper
is gross and improper,
i like getting residents ticked.
"
"forget pi; now the time's ripe for tau,
a replacement for math's sacred cow.
pi times two is what's new,
so let's bid pi adieu.
a new constant to master? and how.
"
"a haranguer of eloquent pray-tricks,
sham victim of evil foul-play-tricks ?
aimee semple mcpherson
became such a person,
a silver-tongued, svelte concionatrix.
"
"saliva's such fun to expel
when you learn to expectorate well.
i suppose it sounds screwy,
but wrack! splooot! ptoooi!
makes big wads of spit fly like hell.
"
"my computer is making me blue
'cause it's showing a message from you,
that you'll go before long.
can the pixels be wrong?
if it's on my display screen, it's true.
"
"you give me no pleasure, you louse!
i'm a malcontent petulant spouse.
my displacency shows ?
now it's anything goes.
i'm so troubled i'm trashing the house.
"
"cupric sulphate's a chemical link
that will break in the presence of zinc.
let 'em stew in the hopper
and out comes the copper ?
displacement reaction, i think.
"
"hey mom, look how far i can spit ?
hunks of mucus and stuff just won't quit!
i can excreate gobs,
hawking little green blobs;
let's sell tickets and put on a skit!
"
"diplomatic and suave, she's a charmer.
rude words just bounce off ? they don't harm 'er.
their domage is trivial,
so she's convivial,
clothed in emotional armor.
"
"i'm much better than you; you're inferior.
from my head to my perfect posterior,
and from there to my toes,
my magnificence shows.
egoistically yours, your superior.
"
"telegrapher ed was a lout,
didn't know what morse code was about.
he'd delete but a bit
of a dah dit dah dit;
ed'd edit a data dot out.
"
"wooden sticks drilled with holes are alright
to make gizmos for keeping ropes tight.
humble euphroes prevent
the collapse of your tent,
so dream on; they'll hold fast through the night.
"
"when the time comes to stay, then you go.
when the time comes to go, you say ""whoa!""
boy, you sure got a penchant
for being dissentient.
next time you want yes, you get no.
"
"the em dash ? this bold punctuation ?
portends a surprise ? hesitation.
there's not so much life in
the undersize hyphen -
a watered-down misapplication.
"
"i am scholarly, highbrow, refined,
well informed, up to date, keen of mind,
and my eruditeness shows
when i turn up my nose,
which i do when i feel so inclined.
"
"sirens scream, engines shoot from the station;
can they put out the great conflagration?
i think they're outclassed;
empyrosis is vast.
it's the world this time, end of creation!
"
"don't call jesus a hotheaded cat
for his cursing a fig tree. why's that?
the fruit's out of season?
no, that's not the reason;
this rude eisegesis falls flat.
"
"strange growths, malformations of skin ?
an inherited curse lurks herein:
ectodermal dysplasia
makes sights that'll faze ya ?
disfigurements ? serious chagrin.
"
"th' good times'r def'n'tly o'er,
'n' 'ey ain't comin' back 'ere no more.
'ell, i otn't say ne'er,
'cuz' 'm plaster'd 's e'er.
jes' learnt 'thlipsis. di'n' know 'at afore.
"
"a vicious attack, the big squeeze ?
capture's coming, the crowd sees me freeze.
my last game of chess
is a damn bloody mess.
my queen, knight and rook are en prise.
"
"common grounds, like a street, park or mall,
are accessible, absent a wall
that would act to discommon 'em,
thwart thugs from bombin' 'em,
safeguard 'em once and for all.
"
"my teacher, she wasn't impressed.
i got everything wrong on the test.
yeah, i flunked the exam
cuz i am what i am.
i'm a lazy-ass jerk, so i guessed.
"
"got an argument?  best not begin it ?
you yell too much, trying to win it.
yes, it's okay to vent
to a modest extent.
just how much?  well, i'll give you a minute.
"
"ambiguity walks in a bar.
he's so schizo ? just two, too bizarre.
he's unclear, but he's nice,
this linguistic device.
""drinks for all!"" he goes. ""buy! au revoir!""
"
"you bought two dozen eggs for albumen ?
for leg lotion?  where's your acumen?
so you're painting your leg white,
applying that egg white ?
a big waste of time for a human.
"
"my troubles won't leave me alone.
they disgrace me, they grip me ? they've grown.
now they'll deepen and spread,
and they'll come to a head.
they'll explode, and then comes the unknown.
"
"you stand before god and deny
he exists, and you laugh about why
he permits you to diss
him with blasphemousness ?
well, you live till you die, then you fry.
"
"like, you're flavorless, vacant and flat,
boring, colorless, no meat, just fat.
like, you're so content-free,
you're a mental dead sea;
all your yakking's like rat-a-tat-tat.
"
"are ya bloated, ya feel like you're double?
you're edematous, pal ? you're in trouble.
the fluids that fill you
might possibly kill you.
let's drain out your billowing bubble.
"
"here's a word that has gone very dead:
it's enubilate ? now that it's said,
it is freed from the heap
of old words put to sleep,
if, dear reader, you help it to spread.
"
"i hate peas, and they're mixed in my food!
please remove them at once ? they intrude.
make my dinner delicious;
they're all exemptitious,
and picking them out isn't rude.
"
"i fergits all that crap i once knew;
like my speakin' needs work an' review,
an' ""two parts outa three""
don't mean nuthin' ta me.
guest i better brush up on math too.
"
"to separate only one part
of an alloy is not occult art.
let the temperature be
at some midway degree;
just one melts ? eliquation will start.
"
"o earthen-hearted wench, don't get close.
you're severe, brusque, sadistic, morose.
go away ? that's my wish,
you vindictive cold fish.
you're unfeeling, grim, sordid and gross.
"
"when i've got something big to decide,
here's the method i've often applied:
just a roll of the dice ?
my decidement's precise;
i rely on good luck as my guide.
"
"you spit consonants out like a jet;
your essssses and efffffs get me wet.
your showery fricatives
call for exsiccatives ?
hand me a dry towelette.
"
"my exercise bicycle sits
all alone in my room ? it's the pits.
i would pedal and sweat
but how far did i get?
not an inch.  the damn thing's on the fritz.
"
"your phobias keep you awake;
you're so nervous, you scream and you shake.
you'll regain your composure
with guarded exposure ?
it's therapy ? here, kiss my snake.
"
"hey babe, help me out with a study;
my knowledge of women is cruddy.
this experimenter's new,
and my lab rat is you,
to be trained as my hot bosom buddy.
"
"you love me, you hate me ? oh, swell!
and you alternate so very well.
egad, you're pathetic,
electromagnetic,
attract and repel ? what the hell.
"
"our executive officer rules
that we ride to the office on mules.
here's a silly exec
one card short of a deck.
it's no walkover working for fools.
"
"she's got wings, she protects me, i'm blessed!
she brings comfort at times when i'm stressed.
fairy godmother knows
all my friends and my foes.
she can kill you, so don't be a pest.
"
"you used to be fearsome and tough;
your threats and your beatings were rough.
well, you fangless old coot,
taste the tip of my boot.
you're washed up now, and i've had enough.
"
"when my honey popped out of her halter,
shocked onlookers couldn't help falter.
they stuttered and slipped,
trembled, teetered, and tripped,
except me ? i'm the rock of gibraltar.
"
"brothers grimm, aesop, andersen, seuss
all wrote fables to teach the obtuse ?
maybe fun, maybe gory,
one moral per story.
ain't read 'em? you got no excuse.
"
"the girl of my dreams appears nightly;
long ago i mistreated her frightly.
my memories taunt me ?
she's come back to haunt me.
i don't laugh my nightmares off lightly.
"
"a tight race, and it wasn't quite fair;
my opponent resorted to prayer.
what a way to behave!
well, i had a close shave ?
razor's edge, but i won by a hair.
"
"i approached a magnificent wall
that was built to protect a big mall.
well now, isn't that odd ?
it was just a fa?ade.
there was nothing behind it at all.
"
"the machine-gunning crook al capone
on chicago's south side set the tone.
""i will never confess ?
not to eliot ness.""
so he said.  then his cover was blown.
"
"in switzerland's inn river valley
called engadine, young skiers rally
at lovely resorts
to enjoy winter sports;
they drink a lot, pair off and dally.
"
"the president's in a depression ?
at a secret executive session
his ministers met
to determine the threat
from his midnight motel indiscretion.
"
"they're hysteric, disordered; they revel;
they're taken; they're not on the level.
they're not simply humans ?
they're called energumens ?
they're people possessed by the devil.
"
"my beer buddies come in to beg
as i scramble some veggies with egg.
it's my own egg foo yung;
wake up, taste buds and tongue!
sprinkle soy sauce, wash down with a keg.
"
"from nigeria, pain and chagrin,
where islamists kill christians within.
expect bomb after bomb,
gifts of boko haram:
western ways are forbidden ? they're sin.
"
"for the debutante, life's next installment,
coming out at a fancy dress ball meant
she'd charm, she'd enrapture,
disarm, lure and capture
the guys by her skill at enthrallment.
"
"she seemed sweet. i was happy to date her,
till she harshly berated our waiter.
she badmouthed his mother,
his dog, and his brother.
she's a castigator ? ego deflator.
"
"have you heard cleopatra's last gasp
was induced when she went to enclasp
a small snake to her breast?
she embraced it and pressed ?
she would let no one else squeeze her asp.
"
"what's behind that ""up, up and away!""
launching superman's flying display?
his elevatory forces
can carry off horses.
perhaps he's a big bird of prey.
"
"ereptation, ereption ? two sounds
that are no longer making the rounds.
in order they say
""creeping forth"", ""snatched away""
like when babies are kidnapped by hounds.
"
"i'm expecting a very close vote ?
losing one will for sure sink my boat.
if for every defector
i buy an elector,
the chance of defeat is remote.
"
"to read euclid you'd better prepare
for distress and the tearing of hair.
geometrical proofs
are big trouble for goofs
who can not tell a line from a square.
"
"promiscuous women cause quakes ?
they're demonic, and making mistakes.
they're shirking their duties
when shaking their booties,
but islam can put on the brakes.
"
"your opinion's important ? don't dump it.
stand up on a soap box and pump it.
scream out loud and clear
so that deaf folks can hear.
let 'em know you can blow your own trumpet.
"
"like you, i was taught not to brag,
that bravado and bluster's a drag.
so of course i am torn
when i blow my own horn,
and i'm sorry.  now take off my gag.
"
"she told me my kids threw their food,
that they cursed her and ruined her mood,
that she tasted embitterment ?
here's what the sitter meant:
rancor and wrath for my brood.
"
"no determinist i ? hear my voice:
i believe in free will, and rejoice!
when people ask why
then i give this reply:
""well, i have to ? i don't have a choice.""
"
"all the emeralds i've ever seen
until now seem most certainly green.
but maybe they're grue ?
they will someday be blue ?
and some blue things now really are bleen.
"
"o you true cross of calvary, thanks!
each believer in christendom banks
on ascending your steps
in his mind as he preps
for salvation and afterlife pranks.
"
"i sit in my cell and i cry.
my freedom is gone, and i try
to stay sane, but i fail,
'cause the cops put in jail
an eleutheromaniac guy.
"
"foxy earthlings, do not be afraid;
i'm from mars, and i'm here to get laid.
i'm a hot-blooded alien,
not a mammalian,
seeking a six-legged maid.
"
"sweet words cannot help but entender
my heart ? how you make me surrender!
oh, you treat me so kind,
but you'd best bear in mind
i'll accommodate any big spender.
"
"she is playing it safe; apprehension
of heterosexual tension
has this lady, though straight,
seeking gay guys to date.
call her fag hag (semantic invention).
"
"my true love is a hundred-pound shrimp.
how her leg parts surround me and crimp!
her endopodites clutch
and they squeeze me so much
i'm excited, but that's why i limp.
"
"i'll be darned! i'm completely amazed!
i'm surprised, confused, blown away, fazed!
i'm bewildered, nonplussed,
my poor brain has gone bust!
i'm dismayed, speechless, stumped, stunned and dazed!
"
"eduction concerns propositions;
switching terms about fosters cognitions
(if d implies e,
then not-e means not-d).
this is thrilling to none but logicians.
"
"prithee sir, how thy speech soundeth frilly,
as calliope calleth to lyly;
naught but euphuism's wit ?
by god's wounds i admit
it's all nonsense and pretty damn silly.
"
"how i bulldozed the senate's right wing!
little me had their ass in a sling.
it was then that i found
that they all came around;
they'll play ball now on every damn thing.
"
"it takes moxie to make a fast buck;
get-rich-quick schemes take more than good luck.
easy money, lush times,
might involve a few crimes.
my advice? go for broke, ya dumb cluck.
"
"endodermis ? low layer of skin.
endoparasites ? got 'em? chagrin.
and endocarditis,
and endophthalmitis ?
i'm endo-, a prefix: within.
"
"i can bug you and meddle and pry,
stick my nose in your business and spy.
if you tell me we're through
i'll encroach upon you,
but i'm otherwise not a bad guy.
"
"you're no actor, no clown, no magician
whose talents deserve exhibition;
you just cannot compete,
stripping down in the street
and displaying the doggie position.
"
"you're refusin' to do any work.
you're paradin' around with a smirk.
you're unkempt, poorly dressed,
and behave like a pest ?
boy, you're comin' across like a jerk.
"
"i experience your feelings, i do;
we are on the same page, me and you.
i'm in tune, empathetic,
and waxing poetic ?
we fit like a foot in a shoe.
"
"cast abroad now the rage of thy wrath,
and behold all who stand in thy path
that are proud, and abase 'em.
you think you can face 'em,
diminish 'em good? do the math.
"
"william john macquorn rankine defined
a new fahrenheit scale, realigned
with lord kelvin's at zero;
this physics class hero
made new degrees rankine my mind.
"
"my mama fell into a trench;
now my nostrils reflexively clench.
such aroma ? she reeks!
the air curdles my cheeks!
help demephitize mom ? kill the stench!
"
"when i thunk my big toe on a rock
there's a moment of shouting and shock.
but i'm glad, i'm not pissed ?
it confirms i exist.
i can hop around, blaspheme and squawk.
"
"there is angel soft, kleenex and puffs ?
facial tissue that cleanses and fluffs.
it can slurp up a lot
of excreta like snot,
blood and spit, that your slimy bod sluffs.
"
"how i need separation from you!
perhaps an embankment will do,
or a wall or a dike,
a stockade or the like,
with inscription proclaiming we're through.
"
"watch my front, watch my sides, watch my back;
i'm afraid of a lethal attack.
excubation is hard;
we are always on guard.
i can't even go out for a snack.
"
"sleepy eucalypt eaters would say
that koala food's not quite okay.
""it's that god so equipped us
to eat eucalyptus.
it's his fault we're pooped out all day.""
"
"what a mess i have here ? get a broom!
an intruder dismarshaled my room.
my stuff's so disheveled
it's like it was leveled.
it must be a warning.  from whom?
"
"we don't touch an electric arc furnace.
its high-voltage sparking would burn us.
it's only  machinery;
treat it like scenery ?
nice, but it doesn't concern us.
"
"epicentral to me is my toilet;
i'm reflective and deep while i soil it.
my troubles are shed there;
how often i've read there!
a curse upon you if you spoil it.
"
"how'd i lose all my money last year?
bought a he-cow i wanted to shear.
but my cow don't make wool ?
my disprofitable bull
made my savings account disappear.
"
"if our parents are wealthy and famous
when we're born, then their clout works to frame us.
to be born in the purple
means any dumb twirp'll
turn out a renowned ignoramus.
"
"your entreaties, demands and insistence
are up against major resistance.
your brooding conjurement
can't shake my inurement;
i'm outta here ? call me long distance.
"
"among my linguistic obsessions
are terse and ingenious expressions.
i'm epigrammatical,
maybe fanatical,
springing bon mot indiscretions.
"
"was it chicken or egg that came first?
well, the chicken-and-egg question's cursed.
it was so long ago
that there's no way to know:
either, neither ? or both, at the worst.
"
"dearest love, you're my man of the hour.
i'm all yours and i'm under your power.
you've grown on me so ?
you're epanthous, you know,
like a fungus that grows on a flower.
"
"well-done, for a nice juicy steak
is too much ? i won't come to its wake.
but it isn't too tough
when it's done just enough.
make mine medium rare, for chrissake.
"
"to faddle me, fondle, or dandle ?
to touch me some place i can't handle
won't go very well,
'cause your life will be hell
when i blab and create a big scandal.
"
"an underground melody cheat
passed around by musicians to beat
the high prices of songs ?
i suppose that two wrongs
make a fake book all right, to compete.
"
"a faggot walked into a bar,
but before he could get very far,
the bartender laughed,
""i got nothing on draught
for a bundle of sticks ? au revoir!""
"
"it's okay to affect airs and graces.
it's okay to strike deep, knowing faces.
but your studied fa?ade
comes across kind of odd
'cuz you're still just a cute kid with braces.
"
"face the music, ya son of a gun;
you can't hide from the stuff that ya done.
pay the price for your acts
and face up to the facts.
you come clean, boy ? there's no place to run.
"
"all my life i have swallowed your scorning,
and i long ago gave you fair warning
one day i would fix you,
barge in and deep six you.
fast forward to early this morning.
"
"expiscatory methods suffice
to ensure that your work is precise.
you can fish out the truth
when you act like a sleuth.
be attentive and thorough; think twice.
"
"do not traffic with evil, dear friend,
carry water for brutes or commend
adversarial ways,
or explain away, praise,
or approve ? or it's you who offend.
"
"when you go on an argument spree,
and you shout it's just you who can see,
that the truth is all yours,
your opponents are boors,
you're just barking, and up the wrong tree.
"
"tomorrow ... tomorrow ... tomorrow ...
time creeps ? yes, from shakespeare i borrow.
but ay, here's the rub ?
creeping thyme's a dwarf shrub,
with a face not destroyed by its sorrow.
"
"there is something the u.n. should banish ?
it's the railroad in spain ? make it vanish!
only tongues made of steel
can say ""fed-d-d-d-d-d-o-ca-d-d-d-d-deel"",
unless, por supuesto, you're spanish.
"
"a quick excantation convinces
that frogs can be turned into princes.
it takes but a kiss
to turn that into this ?
handsome devil! (the evil queen winces.)
"
"the last boat floats away from the shore.
now i wish i had boarded before,
but i couldn't decide.
was it sloth?  was it pride?
does it matter at all anymore?
"
"a plate of fried eggs over easy
is addictive, so salty and greasy.
for a little more flair,
cover up with gruy?re
and this time bomb comes out nice and cheesy.
"
"sure, you want lower prices, but how?
simply disintermediate now.
don't just sit there and diddle, man ?
throw out the middle man.
get your milk straight from the cow.
"
"i'm so happy, i just can't believe it!
and i'm flourishing ? try to conceive it.
my deep eudaimonia
goes south when i phone ya;
you gripe, and it's hard to retrieve it.
"
"is your breathing abnormal? oh my ?
are you coughing and don't quite know why?
gasping croup victims see a
big loss of eupnea ?
get medical help! you could die.
"
"this place on my front you caressed
that resides between navel and breast:
epigastrial area.
hands off ? how dare ya!
buddy, you're under arrest.
"
"islamist insurgents attacked ?
now the embassade's burned, bombed  and sacked.
the ambassador's dead,
and a lot went unsaid
about secrets and matters of fact.
"
"far be it from me to insist
that you list all the women you've kissed.
no, i'd never do that,
you duplicitous rat ?
it's sufficient to give me the gist.
"
"do things happen to us as they may?
can we choose from life's sundry buffet?
don't we want to know more
of what fate has in store?
that's why god gave us horoscopes, eh?
"
"you seem innocent, prim and controlled;
for a rascal, you're playing it cold.
so i always have felt
as if butter won't melt
in your mouth.  well, your act's getting old.
"
". . . a secluded and shadowy meeting . . .
. . . a kiss, apprehensive and fleeting . . .
too bad, little miss,
but that's blasphemousness.
. . . god's righteous turn out for the beating.
"
"""ye gods!"" i yelled out like a jerk,
so excited i got while at work.
will the judges dismiss
careless blasphemousness?
it's the sin in islam known as shirk.
"
"defatigate mean to tire out.
you savvy dis word 'coz you stout ?
you go run off de fat,
you fall down, you go splat.
you so pooped, you not even can shout.
"
"chandelier's about candles galore;
fancy lighting is what the word's for.
but for lightbulbs, such gear
was renamed electrolier,
an old word not much used anymore.
"
"a farmhand drove into a bar
on a tractor, but didn't get far.
other workers appealed,
""you've gone too far afield!""
(just a dumb corny joke, hardy har.)
"
"you're a false-hearted chiseling sneak,
you philandering two-timing freak!
oh, you slippery devil,
you're not on the level.
your trespasses trump  your physique.
"
"my words were so fluent and apt ?
you heard how the audience clapped.
the fine art of persuasion
deluged the occasion ?
my eloquence kept the dolts rapt.
"
"hey, get workin' ? you're bein' a squirt.
lift and carry, push, pull ? make it hurt.
i don't care if you fall;
that don't matter at all.
let's jus' see how much force you exert.
"
"you worked hard, many hours in the sun;
i came late and i worked only one.
but our wage is the same ?
this eleventh hour game
is a parable; bite your tongue, hon.
"
"the coherer and mate, decoherer,
then the autocoherer, brought nearer
our wireless age.
these endowed the first stage
to make radio signals much clearer.
"
"like a solenoid, how you attract
helpless men who, like iron, react
to your pull ? like you wield
an electromagnetic field ?
you're intelligent, gorgeous, and stacked!
"
"you'll be cooped up, constrained and encaged,
restricted and elsewise enraged.
you are so hot to marry,
but so damn unwary.
congrats, boy, you're getting engaged!
"
"here's a practical joke that i've done ?
make a stogie go off like a gun.
with some powder in place
it blows up in your face.
my exploding cigars are such fun!
"
"my enemy's weak, short on guts.
i'll prevail; he just postures and struts.
he can't put up a fight;
he's expugnable, right?
if he thinks he can win, then he's nuts.
"
"through the trial the defendant smiled coolly.
but when sentenced, he looked about bluely.
sacre bleu! this sad frenchman
found out that his henchman
had ratted ? that pissoir-t?te stoolie!
"
"i'm so angry and jealous, i'm stressed.
i can't stand it when you come out best.
i'll just sit on the shelf
and i'll busy myself,
so i don't appear quite so obsessed.
"
"fallen angel, you ruled, you were gifted;
you were gentle and chaste, but you shifted.
there was substance abuse
and your morals got loose.
you were pure like new snow, but you drifted.
"
"a chemist walked into a bar.
what he ordered seemed slightly bizarre:
""is it too much to ask
for an erlenmeyer flask?
i want beer in a conical jar.""
"
"my shape is the object of jest;
i'm diametral, hugely ? you guessed?
i'm too spherical, roomy;
the distance straight through me
is vast, from my butt to my chest.
"
"dissolubility struck like a thief!
i'm a goner ? i can't get relief.
you put pills in my beer;
they dissolved crystal clear
and i drank it. i'm poisoned!  good grief.
"
"a new guy who slipped into our club
wants to change how we run it.  we'll drub
his ass good 'cause you know
around here that's no go.
there's no entryism here ? sorry, bub.
"
"what's the reason the world has such pains,
economic and cultural strains?
well, we're governed by ginheads
and ignorant pinheads.
i guess you can factor out brains.
"
"nine lenkviches lernink zo fast,
i movink to head uff ze clast.
ya, ze svedish, ze dutch,
iss meine accent too much,
but ze english i spikkink ze bast!
"
"you're like acid ? you're pungent and tart.
you're corrosive and harsh ? have a heart!
your behavior's obscene,
escharotic and mean,
and it's driving us so far apart.
"
"sticky puddles of red on the ground,
dripping body parts tossed in a mound,
brave young men fighting bloodily,
boots thudding muddily:
war isn't fooling around.
"
"now try dirimens (gulp!) copulat-
io: clever device, but it's not
always easy ? it's hard;
it can take you off-guard.
while it's simple, it thickens the plot.
"
"oh cordiner, make me a shoe
out of cordovan leather, and blue.
see, i lost one last night
in a terrible fight;
the police picked it up as a clue.
"
"explodent, explosive, the same!
either word implies flash, boom and flame.
when you blow up a rodent,
best call it explodent ?
to waste a good rhyme is a shame.
"
"when you're panning for gold, shake your pan;
wash the dirt off as well as you can.
you had best be controlled
to elutriate gold;
don't waste it if wealth is your plan.
"
"i don't care what you do, you're so crass.
your dumb stunts ? i'm just letting them pass.
you're a phony, a sham,
and i don't care a damn.
i give up ? i don't give a rat's ass.
"
"you're just wasting your time smoking grass.
go to college, get smart, take a class.
go on, get enrolled ?
will you do what you're told?
matriculate, register, pass.
"
"if my funeral rite's to succeed,
an elogium's just what i'll need.
when i die, pour out praises;
let god hear fine phrases.
salvation is not guaranteed.
"
"when your colon's effluvial, ponder:
just where did my gas attack wander?
did i eat a legume?
did i empty the room?
how come folks are all running off yonder?
"
"two historical dixes suffice:
for one, dorothy dix gave advice,
but her memory's fainter
than otto, the painter,
whose art works still sell in a trice.
"
"a toilet tattooed on my chin
is designed to embellish my skin.
this unique exornation
is my affirmation
that food's getting processed within.
"
"i'm predictable; i always know
what i'll say, what i'll do, where i'll go.
my expectedness chains me;
the tedium pains me.
my life's just a dull status quo.
"
"better build your damn house on a rock.
wind, rain, floods won't be too great a shock ?
all these things it will stand.
if you build upon sand
it'll fall, you shlemiel, 'cause it's shlock.
"
"since christians just ain't baby boomin',
i'll become a sincere catechumen.
they'd like me to learn
nuts and bolts that concern
christianity, so i'm assumin'.
"
"here lies bob, about whom it was said
that he wasn't quite right in the head.
is this tribute sarcastic?
it's un-encomiastic.
he'd argue the point, but he's dead.
"
"how i hate when i'm forced to curtail
all my freedom.  it's me they'll engaol,
and for what?  okey dokey.
the slammer, the pokey ?
it's coming ? i couldn't raise bail.
"
"descriptive anatomy's issue
is bone, muscle, nerve, vessel, tissue.
there's no grayness or doubt
how your body's laid out.
now i know what i kiss when i kiss you.
"
"you phony! you said you could play
the trombone in a sweet, pleasant way.
okay, euphonize this ?
your honk honk ain't worth piss.
take a lesson or ten ? make my day.
"
"all the commies and pinkos and such
fight for freedom from capital's clutch.
they would equalize wealth
by revolt or by stealth ?
far left radicals, so out of touch.
"
"babe, you shoulda stayed home counting sheep,
but you fell for some bloodsucking creep.
so you're stuck with this trash now;
he's yours, you're his cash cow.
you can't just pull out ? you're in deep.
"
"you've contracted catarrh ? such a sneeze!
what a toxic and powerful breeze!
i can see your cold bloom;
i don't want to enrheum,
so you'll cover your orifice?  please.
"
"i'm doomed, friend, to fry in the chair.
please take charge of the grisly affair.
you are so executorial;
write my memorial,
cry, throw the switch, say a prayer.
"
"you can stretch a poetical line, (silent beat)
and your anapests still come out fine, (silent beat)
standard limericks append
silent beats at the end
of lines 1, 2, and 5, just like mine. (silent beat)
"
"eve's mistake put us all on the spot ?
for her sin, banned from eden we got.
then the curse: work and strain,
sorrow, sickness and pain,
and then death: fall of man.  thanks a lot.
"
"u.s. law makes you shun the sublime:
smoking cuban tobacco's a crime.
a havana cigar'll
most likely ensnarl
your butt with the feds every time.
"
"counting sheep 'cause you're lying awake?
well, the critters you're adding up make
an enumerable set.
is it finite? you bet,
but if not, there is still no mistake.
"
"dear bob, from the day you were hired
you screwed up all the jobs i required;
you engender distrust,
so i'll do what i must.
i am faithlessly yours, bob. you're fired.
"
"facetious: ""not serious"" is close,
and satirical, flippant, jocose,
piquant, waggish, ironic,
sarcastic, sardonic,
and witty. enough? adi?s.
"
"when a job's to be done, i just do it;
i jump up, i fall in, i fall to it.
no, i'm no minor leaguer;
i'm fresh and i'm eager,
but you, you old slouch, just say screw it.
"
"see my embouchure take its position ?
my lips on my mouthpiece.  ignition!
can it be i was born
to pa-toot the french horn?
it takes work to maintain my condition.
"
"all my planning is gone down the loo.
many hundreds of hours, adieu!
what i thought was so solid
is feeble and squalid.
i hate when my projects fall through.
"
"whenever it's my turn at bat
i screw up and my efforts fall flat,
and it's not just bad breaks ?
i don't have what it takes
to do anything more than go splat.
"
"my professor is often so crazed,
when he's yapping, my eyebrow is raised.
stuff he says is disputable,
iffy, refutable;
that's why i'm puzzled and glazed.
"
"oh master, please do me a favor ?
don't make me do things i don't savor.
release me, unhand me;
don't boss or command me;
don't act like a ruthless enslaver.
"
"how my shrink visits always concluded:
my defensive skills hopeless, denuded.
i'd decompensate ? bad!
starting anxious and sad,
ending broken, depressed and deluded.
"
"i would chat but i've nothing to say,
and i'm given to speak in clich?.
i've said more than enough,
on the fly, off the cuff,
so i'll stop, i'll shut up ? i'll belay.
"
"i explained to you all of your fears.
you're ignoring me though, it appears.
i had better rethink
about being your shrink ?
my analysis fell on deaf ears.
"
"my shapeless gray glob spins around.
i'll breathe life into sticky cold ground.
its fate means a lot for me ?
clay, be a pot for me!
pottery's pretty profound.
"
"your computer examines my eyes
and my mouth and my nose, and it spies
an intruder ? its mission
is face recognition.
it saw through my flimsy disguise.
"
"no complaining from me in the least,
though i age and my power's decreased.
while some times have been rough,
i've been given enough,
and enough is as good as a feast.
"
"i can ogle so fast, dontcha know,
up and down, side to side, on the go.
did i slacken my stride?
you got scanned, you got eyed,
and too bad, babe ? you're only so-so.
"
"my eyes are so sharp and they ask
to scan beautiful babes.  how they bask!
they can take 'em all in
and scope oodles of skin.
i'm so very well eyed for the task.
"
"why's a limerick so fun and exciting?
it's such rackety, rip-roaring writing!
like a hot, spicy stew
you can slurp up and chew,
and the humor's so toothsome it's biting.
"
"stick 'em up! gimme money! says you.
you mean or? i don't know what to do!
you insist on a function ?
exclusive disjunction?
you know that i can't do the two.
"
"i am trying so hard to exert
my poor brain ? it's beginning to hurt.
mathematics, astronomy,
macro-economy ?
overstressed mind ? red alert!
"
"how parisians wanted to stifle
alexandre gustave, mr. eiffel!
his thousand-foot tower
became europe's flower,
an eyesore at first ? still a skyful.
"
"the chiao, chinese coin (also m?o),
wouldn't buy a big chunk of a cow.
it's the same as ten fen
(not the japanese yen),
about 1.5 us cents now.
"
"i capitulate, buckle, concede,
knuckle under, submit, and i plead:
make sure nobody sees
i've been brought to my knees,
that i pooped in my pants and i peed.
"
"i'm a traveling guy, and i've been
to chicago, madrid and berlin.
the most far, farmost place, though,
would be outer space, so
to go there, i'd better begin.
"
"such a fresser!  you gulp your food whole.
please don't gorge like you're out of control.
every day, you englut
way too much for your gut ?
you're not full yet?  is bursting your goal?
"
"your advances are getting much bolder;
your touch is much harder and colder,
so that's why i wear
a big brass epauliere ?
armor plating protecting my shoulder.
"
"engrasp me, you lovable fool!
embrace, grip and hold me ? you're cool.
lay your hands on and clinch
so i can't move an inch,
until mom says get ready for school.
"
"put up or shut up, says you.
must i choose one from out of the two?
the exclusive or, brother,
means one or the other,
not neither or both, makes it true.
"
"can you take a respectful critique?
your behavior is all tongue in cheek;
you're so sly, you're facetious,
sarcastic and specious,
capricious and flip, so to speak.
"
"what you do to me once made me furious.
but i'm better now. isn't it curious
that you're still pathetic
and i'm copacetic?
i'm eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious.
"
"i'm not stuck in your web; i'm not lost.
see, your love comes at too great a cost.
dear escapable you,
one more stunt and we're through ?
i don't like being bullied and bossed.
"
"looks like something i said got you pissed,
but i'll ask you to cease and desist.
you should never have led off
by biting my head off.
you yelled at me, cursed me and hissed.
"
"you big magnet, i'm rubbing your pole;
i'm consuming your force field, your soul.
it won't cost you a pittance
to share your emittance ?
you're fluxing me out of control.
"
"ol' gramps says his grandson's a hoot,
that he sets an example, to boot.
""bud's exemplary, true;
he's examplary, too,
and i know that 'cuz i'm an old coot.""
"
"""oh, don't dump me!"" she begs him, dependingly.
""just get out!"" he retorts to her, sendingly.
""i rely upon you!""
""that's too bad, babe, we're through!""
the sad episode sputters out, endingly.
"
"the word exolete lost its potential;
its disuse makes it self-referential.
this is logically neat
'cause it means obsolete,
and it is! (keep this fact confidential.)
"
"i am c2h7no,
ethanolamine, ready to go. 
h2s, co2 ?
i'll remove them for you ? 
and pure antibiotics, hello!
"
"your sense of yourself is so bloated!
you screwed up every deal that you floated.
your behavior's grotesque ?
go on, clean out your desk.
your continuing failance is noted.
"
"the bassoon is the woodwind i play ?
burping bedpost, to use a clich?.
ostinato, staccato,
i play my fagotto;
i practice it every damn day.
"
"methane's energy benefits man.
so i fart. yes, i do what i can,
and i can what i do
and i'll send it to you.
passing gas is no overblown plan.
"
"chain chain chain, how i got you subdued!
now you can't move your feet much; you're screwed ?
to the wall, and it's better
to cuff and enfetter
you tight. that's effective, if crude.
"
"expurgation's when something's er - - - -;
with dashes or blanks it's repl - - - -.
it's for stuff that's offen????;
i'm so apprehen????
we're seeing free speech go to w - - - -.
"
"why, you gauche, awkward, lubberly stupe!
you're as gross as a great gob o' goop.
ya dumb fat-kidneyed fart ?
no, you're not very smart,
you inept bungling butter-brained  poop.
"
"fat binary software's for me!
your choice of a platform is free.
use any computer;
this stuff is like neuter ?
runs correctly on mac or pc.
"
"hallucinogenics? don't sniff any.
few are good for your well-being, if any.
there's no life revelations,
deep realizations
from substance abuse ? no epiphany.
"
"faithless trickster, i trusted you so,
but you cheated and lied ? out you go,
you duplicitous fake,
hypocritical snake,
two-faced treacherous son of a ho.
"
"detroit was once jivin' an' sprawlin',
and now see it gropin' an' crawlin'.
its dropoff ain't funny ?
it ran outa money.
i hate to see how hard it's fallen.
"
"i'm so loaded with dough, i confess
that i sense l'embarras de richesses.
i'll have money for years
comin' outa my ears,
more extravagance, waste and excess.
"
"my babe says she's decimosexto;
she loves loving on any pretexto.
can she do it ten times?
will she do it for dimes?
she's equivocal. i'm so perplexto.
"
"an enforceable law will have backing;
it's no go if policing is lacking.
and for making it stick,
robust courts turn the trick.
those who render the whip must get cracking.
"
"jerked contractions ? i'm someone who has 'em.
my muscles endure tonic spasm.
so yes, i'm entastic,
and folks get sarcastic;
they mock when i razzamatazz 'em.
"
"i'm unhappy, distraught, full of woe;
i'm afraid that my anguish will show.
see my smile? a fa?ade!
it's a great gift from god
that i'm able to hide what's below.
"
"chocolate ice cream's my favorite treat,
so i hijacked a truck in the street.
now i'm pleased to report
it'll never fall short;
it'll take me a lifetime to eat.
"
"islam's fatwas of death are providing
the west with good cause for deciding
to shun the sharia,
for who wants to be a
doomed rushdie and spend your life hiding?
"
"some day soon comes a mighty big boom.
tumbling mountains and more will entomb
global civilization,
interring creation.
grim rumors bode darkness and doom.
"
"satisfaction, high tide, sitting pretty,
bed of roses, hog heaven, fat city!
wealth and happiness, ease,
we can do what we please!
to the good life, oh ditty wah ditty!
"
"in order for profits to grow,
keep your ethical paradigm low.
your opponents ? pursue 'em,
undo 'em and screw 'em.
business is business, you know.
"
"mensuration of figures whose case
is their feet all take up the same space?
that's a part of geometry,
epipedometry:
figures that share the same base.
"
"how i wish that i had a machine
that could tell me what congressmen mean:
a disambiguator app
that eliminates crap ?
a multiple-meaning vaccine.
"
"despite noises all over, things breaking,
i missed a big mess in the making.
a burglar enswept
my whole house while i slept,
but he didn't find stuff that's worth taking.
"
"get the medicine down, ya know how?
make your patient believe that it's chow ?
make a thick sticky paste
with a sweet pleasant taste.
the electary slides down your cow.
"
"dies irae, the dark day of wrath!
you were dumb not to follow the path.
lacrimosa! you're tearful;
your last hours, fearful ?
they're numbered.  time's up ? do the math.
"
"you want something for nothing?  oh dear,
your attitude's so cavalier.
you're just sitting here smirking ?
you should be out working.
i guess you want egg in your beer.
"
"on the face of the earth you're a wart,
so i'm cutting off all your support.
you're an ill-mannered, shady,
vindictive young lady ?
a pity you're such a bad sort.
"
"marlon brando! a name that still smacks
of virility jerked to the max.
how 'bout you?  take a swig,
say, ""you....scum.....suckin'...pig!""
play the lead in his film one-eyed jacks.
"
"it's so cowold, i think i'll fareeze!
fill my bathamatub up, puhleeze
(extra sounds in a word
make epenthesis heard),
to one hunderid fawer degrees.
"
"i am almost in love with you, dear,
but not quite, as you bring me no cheer.
i'm unhappy and gray
when you're far, far away.
it is almost like having you here.
"
"i believed i could get to first base;
you resisted ? i'm shamed, out of place.
i screwed up; i can't see
why the joke is on me.
i'm embarrassed ? there's egg on my face.
"
"when apostates attempt to explain
why they left, why they jumped off the train,
fell away from religion
and god, there's a smidgen
of joy that they're using their brain.
"
"first you told me i'm losing the race.
then you told me i'm out at first base.
then you gave me what for,
then you ran out the door.
guess you're closing the books in my face.
"
"learn to fabricate evidence, lie;
i can teach you some tricks you can try.
be a falsary ? yes,
you'll achieve great success
as a savvy political guy.
"
"i kept whacking the butt of my steed;
he went down and continued to bleed.
black, blue, red ? died, of course,
so i beat a dead horse
of a different color, indeed.
"
"would i pick on a kid who can't fight?
would i make him work hard every night?
i'm a super ethician;
my ethical mission ?
get parents to treat their kids right.
"
"chess: a battle with pitfalls and snares!
eight-by-eight board of black and white squares ?
how straightforward it looks:
kings, queens, bishops, knights, rooks,
and two squadrons of pawns, yours and theirs.
"
"""spread out!"" to the boys muttered moe,
so that larry and curly would go.
he did not say ""dispand!""
that's a little too bland.
(the three stooges, an old tv show.)
"
"i'm conservative, you're a young turk;
there's not much we agree on, you jerk.
but we mustn't fall out ?
there'd be fallout, you lout,
'cause our quarrels make mom go berserk.
"
"kerpow! i had no premonition
you'd unbalance my jumpy condition.
you knocked off my socks
with your jack-in-the-box
and his springy, abrupt exilition.
"
"i purchased some p?czki from you.
they're supposed to be filled with sweet goo.
they are not, though. your bakery
practices fakery.
fill 'em at once or i'll sue.
"
"dissociable things look like two;
they're detachable, all the way through.
they're unlike drugs and crime,
fun and joy, space and time,
sleep and dreams, life and love, me and you.
"
"the word caricous: shaped like a fig ?
like a pointed round teardrop, you dig?
like a light bulb, a shmoo,
like a gourd, or like you
if you keep porking out like a pig.
"
"don't let merriment lead you astray.
no, felicity isn't the way.
joyful times are cut short,
all your pleasures abort,
and despair fills your life up. oy vey.
"
"killing women's atrocious, you know.
wanna see it?  just go to the show;
in the movies it's apt ?
all those babes getting zapped!
oh yeah, femicide brings in the dough.
"
"though enrico is off with saint peter,
his surname won't vanish or teeter.
what explains its persistence?
the fermi's a distance:
a quadrillionth part of a meter.
"
"my babe's fancy free; that's the chatter.
so, she served up my heart on a platter.
has she gone on a spree?
well, she doesn't love me ?
or anyone else, for that matter.
"
"the feebleminded youngster was once
called an idiot, moron, or dunce.
now he's artfully labelled
as ""differently abled"".
thank god for rhetorical stunts.
"
"my copartnership ended so bad ?
my copartner went stark raving mad.
our involvement coequal,
his exit, the sequel ?
my pal lost his marbles. how sad.
"
"al fatah would like you to know
they're an arm of the old plo.
they whip up resistance
to israel's existence:
it's palestine ? zionists go!
"
"your writing's so bad, you're a jinx.
don't you care what your readership thinks?
it is so beyond execrable,
calling it drecksecrable
sort of conveys how it stinks.
"
"fair's fair, up-and-up, and that's that,
even-steven, aboveboard and pat,
so righteous and candid,
sincere, even-handed,
unbiased and just, tit-for-tat.
"
"do you understand englishification?
it's when foreign ways bear abrogation:
folks' native comportment
takes on an assortment
of english, u.s. culturation.
"
"where it's breaking the law to go topless,
gutsy ladies are cautiously stopless.
although shedding a bra
may require sang-froid,
they make sure that the area's copless.
"
"you despise me, but i adore you,
and i think you're the greatest, i do.
i'm your biggest esteemer,
so call me a dreamer
for dreaming we're not really through.
"
"you were great, you were good, you were bad,
the best teacher that i ever had.
though you're much lower ranked
for the times i got spanked,
i'm your greatest esteemer, dear dad.
"
"ceraunometer, tell me, oh do,
of the number of lightning strokes you
have been counting outside.
i don't want to get fried
by a billion-volt bolt from the blue.
"
"dear john, you're so pompous and proud
you distinguish yourself from the crowd.
yes, you're rare ? do i care?
no, i've gone off to where
such especialness isn't allowed.
"
"you bagged up your kittens and drowned 'em
so your vicious old dog couldn't hound 'em?
that's the fact you enframe,
but you still get the blame ?
you decided to not be around 'em.
"
"i am cursed with extreme deordination!
i mean to say, discombobulation.
i'm jumbled, i'm muddled,
chaotic, befuddled.
i mutilate organization.
"
"go to school?  do my chores?  that's so lame.
i'm content with the dud i became.
so, i ride on my scooter
and cruise my computer.
escapism ? yeah, that's my game.
"
"what a fool i was, letting you slight me;
you sidelined me, found ways to fight me.
had i stood up, we might
have been mating tonight.
guess my weakness has come back to bite me.
"
"how you screwed me! you wouldn't relent ?
you abused me! you stole my last cent!
i recall it ? but no,
now i'm sure it's not so.
oops! false memory syndrome event.
"
"maybe next year i'll take off some weight,
'cause my belt's under tension of late.
it displays expansibility ?
too much ductility ?
due to the crap that i ate.
"
"i'm so stressed and run down ? cut me slack.
i can't work, man ? i'm flat on my back.
i'm on welfare. it's chronic;
i'm so epitonic!
i told 'em i just can't do jack.
"
"how my wall glows a dull eerie green!
aroused phosphors light up a big screen.
i'm entranced by the presence
of electroluminescence,
low-energy light, cold and clean.
"
"cloudless azure, no misty-moist gray ?
how i love an enubilous day!
this transparency rarity,
crystalline clarity,
sparkles like words can't convey.
"
"i regard you so highly, it's true!
you deserve admiration, you do.
what a pity i saw
that you've got a slight flaw.
you're esteemable, sure, but we're through.
"
"my old cat ergats arguments now,
using logic ? she finally learned how.
she displays no confusion
with premise, conclusion:
""i think,"" she says, ""therefore, meow.""
"
"spreading islam's your number one quest;
doing dawah is heavily stressed.
so, your deen: help earth be a
safe place for shari'ah.
but infidels sometimes protest.
"
"when you stir up desires in my head,
you remind me of sourdough bread.
how my feelings ferment!
but in any event,
i'm digesting the stuff that you said.
"
"female circumcision is cutting
some sensitive tissues abutting
the vaginal area.
i say how dare ya ?
it's beastly, this sexual gutting.
"
"feldspathic describes common ground:
contains feldspar.  so much can be found ?
it's the stuff that makes clay
you can see every day,
in ceramics or lying around.
"
"if my ad's got a low click-through rate,
its efficiency's up for debate.
website viewers don't go,
so my business is slow.
clicks per times-site-is-viewed says it straight.
"
"only feel-good relations will do;
comfy hugs pick me up when i'm blue.
i'm for self satisfaction
and no interaction
with hard-hearted icebergs like you.
"
"a quadrillionth's a very small jot ?
millionth-billionth, and that's not a lot.
the first half of a word,
prefix femto- is heard
if in science you're properly taught.
"
"my hands were all over your bod.
no, i shouldn't have touched you, by god!
and i'm very ashamed
it was you who got blamed.

sweetie, feelingly yours,
""uncle"" rod
"
"now i recognize nothing can last;
my seductiveness lives in the past.
my dazzle, all faded,
though heavily aided
by chemistry, leaves me aghast.
"
"if oceans could fly in the sky,
all the fish would rain down from on high.
do you think so? good grief,
what a dumb false belief.
god would bake them all into a pie.
"
"broken legs keep me glued to my chair;
i do nothing but sit still and stare.
my crippleness, lameness,
enforces a sameness,
the toll for my lurid affair.
"
"i love oboe with french horn and flute,
'cause the sound of this trio's a beaut.
yes, its euphonism's grand,
so i don't understand
why you all leave the room when we toot.
"
"excarnificate writers of verse.
wicked limericists, masters of terse!
tear the flesh off their bones;
cut it off with sharp stones ?
all the mischief they make is much worse.
"
"just you know my speech trick, just you.
and you do think you're clever, you do.
epanalepsis, my way,
epanalepsis, oy vey ?
hey, don't screw with me, buddy, don't screw.
"
"manufacturer set the least price
for their goods that they thought would be nice,
and that rock bottom fee meant
a fair-trade agreement
that gave them a pretty good slice.
"
"the fine teamwork in here's wearing thin;
things have slipped from the way they have been.
all the griping and whining
is sure undermining
our work, so shut up and fall in.
"
"some feminine rhymes have three syllables,
and limerick line ends are fillables.
behold these dactylic rhymes,
not imbecilic rhymes.
readers who chortle are thrillables.
"
"in the congress, slick partisans try
to oppose and obstruct till we cry
that there's acid and bile
on both sides of the aisle
because harmony doesn't apply.
"
"you were always a bit out of bounds;
now your wrongdoing gives me the grounds
to say that's the last straw ?
you fell foul of the law,
and it's time that i call out the hounds.
"
"speedy cars and hard drugs are a hoot,
but enjoying them's less than astute.
they're extravagant vices ?
yes, too much the price is:
your moolah and safety, to boot.
"
"dan duryea's gone into decay.
this great actor embodied foul play.
1940s film noir ?
sneering dan set the bar;
now his work's all but faded away.
"
"no fisticuffs, gouging or biting.
no scuffling or warlike inciting.
no combat, no clashing,
no beating, no bashing.
sure, do what you want ? but no fighting.
"
"all the actors on stage are agape
as they stare at my feliform shape.
does my costume fall flat?
i should look like a cat ?
puss in boots ? with my sword, hat and cape.
"
"tasteless dress made me look like a slut,
but my fashion sense now makes the cut.
i came out from beneath
and i'm dressed to the teeth.
i'm so dapper and trendy, i strut.
"
"i'm the greatest ? folks gasp in dismay!
no one's close ? they're all nondescript gray.
they respect my insistence
and keep a good distance ?
i'm standing out far and away.
"
"all the pain that you love to dish out!
all the godly behavior you flout!
well, your sins are the worst ?
you're a devil; you're cursed,
so your demonship isn't in doubt.
"
"disquisitory, briefly discussed:
in this discourse, i know that i must
pronounce it dis-quiz-a-tree,
noting the syzygy;
here's the pair, equally just.
"
"false pretense and false pretense ? the same.
all your lies and your scamming ? they're lame.
double-dealing orations,
misrepresentations!
you scalawag ? fraud is your game.
"
"i conjure you up every night;
you're the glint in my eye, you're a sprite.
you excite me!  you get
my pajamas all wet.
for a figment, you sure do me right.
"
"authors' artistry must be respected,
so my verses are copy-protected.
pirates, best bear in mind
you'll be heavily fined
till your shady behavior's corrected.
"
"dimetric: the shape of a stone,
how its crystalline structure is known.
the concept embraces
quadrangular faces
where two equal axes have grown.
"
"when you're feeling low down and depressed,
chocolate ice cream is what i suggest.
it's the magic i use
for expurging the blues
'cause it brings back my happy face best.
"
"i'm professional, not a dumb jerk;
i rose up from a job as a clerk.
i was working, exercent,
accomplished, conversant.
i'm hungry now, looking for work.
"
"tomorrow, tomorrow, it's coming ?
colonoscopy! sure, it is numbing.
today ? no digestin',
to clear my intestine.
tomorrow, they're checking my plumbing.
"
"there's no deity ? god is a ghost!
the material world is the most!
drink a beer, eat some meat,
fool around ? life's a treat!
laid-back earthly-minded fellows, a toast!
"
"i got troubled, depressed, and i slept less.
and i longed for the time when i wept less.
and still without fail,
i am downcast and pale.
and my days of despair are exceptless.
"
"you had better stop tickling my bones ?
i have epileptogenous zones.
i'd rather omit
a convulsion, a fit.
my poor body is full of unknowns.
"
"you're a gusher ? no ifs, ands or buts,
but to you i am only a klutz.
i suspect that it's your
flashy reckless cocksure
damned excessiveness driving me nuts.
"
"lawd jesus'd set down his dawtah
whenevah he walked on da wawtah.
y'all see how i'm li'ble
ta 'splain ya da bible
exegetist-like, jes' how we awtah.
"
"pack your stuff, mr. kelly from delhi;
you're exiled, expelled, you expellee.
take your stinky bad brie
when you leave, expellee;
you're cast out 'cause your belly is smelly.
"
"you alleged you were so well endowed,
and you bragged of the ladies you plowed.
but your falseness was seen
when you used the latrine ?
you're the teeniest guy in the crowd.
"
"to my son, the esteemed college grad:

i used up all the money i had
to support all your schooling.
i'm broke now, no fooling.

so, destitutely yours,
poor old dad.
"
"the em dash ? the em dash ? don't yell!
overused?  maybe so ? i can't tell.
the surprise punctuation
provokes condemnation ?
too much? ?  i don't care ? what the hell.
"
"for my dinner i'm going to fix
an emulsion ? it's one of my tricks!
oil and water's a blessing
for salads ? the dressing:
two liquids that don't like to mix.
"
"my feebleness grows with my age;
i'm beginning my very last stage.
my exhaustion, my weakness,
brings dwindling and bleakness.
too soon cruel fate turns the page.
"
"there's a fetishist licking my shoe.
big boobs get him all shook up too.
he's a bit out of joint
and can't get to the point ?
he can't say that he just wants to screw.
"
"some seedless, nonflowering plants
are attempting to grow up my pants.
are they ferns on a journey?
they seem kind of ferny.
i guess i should give them a chance.
"
"internecine contention abates;
now a unified nation awaits
as a federal entity,
brand new identity.
here's an alliance of states.
"
"dissonancy! clatter! bang crash!
kerpow! rattle squawk! shatter smash!
blast my ears into leather ?
c'mon, all together,
more sounds, and make sure that they clash.
"
"tie a string to your tooth and the door;
just a slam! and your pain is no more.
exodontic routines
don't need fancy machines;
pulling teeth isn't much of a chore.
"
"minor surgery ? what a great plan
to improve every droop that you can!
an enhancive procedure
is bound to mislead your
dumb boyfriends in back of the van.
"
"b?chamel, velout?, espagnole:
three great sauces to soothe the french soul.
espagnole starts with roux;
throw brown bones in the goo,
add tomatoes ? je suis sans parole!
"
"you oaf, you get drunk every night,
and you yell and you grumble and fight.
now remove your derri?re!
go away, don't say where ?
just eloignate your butt from my sight.
"
"strong liquors like vodka and gin
make me dance on the table and grin,
make me lustful and brave
and will lead to the grave ?
good ol' firewater, highway to sin.
"
"when your limericks have horrible rhymes,
you're committing poetical crimes.
if your living depends
on five lines and their ends,
then you're going to fall on hard times.
"
"the enemy fell on us fully;
their ferocious attack got so woolly!
and it would have been tragic
except for some magic ?
we drafted a fifty-foot bully.
"
"if you think that you might like to be a
great thinker, your mind all set free, a
good start: keep your pants on
and maybe you'll chance on
(or fall on) a stunning idea.
"
"to my students: it falls upon you
to excel in the things that you do.
in my class that's your station,
your job, obligation.
you blow it off, buddy, you're through.
"
"when you're not very sure what you're doing,
but you choose to continue pursuing,
your actions look so faked
it's like you are dough-baked;
you're biting off more than you're chewing.
"
"i imagined you right from the start;
you were perfect at playing the part
of my lover, aglow.
you were fictional though.
you're not real, but you're breaking my heart.
"
"try to charge me too much, oh yeah, shall you?
you're a robber, a cheat ? you're no pal, you.
and you have to confess
common pricing's far less,
so i'll pay only fair market value.
"
"little statue, beloved figurine,
you're the fairest thing i've ever seen.
oh, if only i'd known
that your heart's made of stone!
have you hardened to me?  that's so mean.
"
"troops need ordnance to handle the brunt
of pitched battle; the soldiers can't punt.
field artillery moves
any place it behooves
them to bolster the boys at the front.
"
"all this leisurely fooling around
always drags me right down to the ground.
i must hasten, expede,
storm, blitz, race and stampede
all our love making; that's what i've found.
"
"""the fifth"" ? this short phrase should precede
a clear noun, but alone, it won't need
too much context to tell
if it's heaven or hell ?
divine music or something to plead.
"
"you're a cad, you're a worm, you're a slug!
you're a low-down, unscrupulous thug!
coreferential details
follow various trails,
but they're all about you, ya big lug.
"
"our sweet love was my axis, but you
couldn't function; you told me we're through.
i got x'ed, and i cry ?
won't you please tell me y?
i'm coordinately yours till you do.
"
"i'm your made-up, invisible friend,
i'm invented, fictitious, pretend.
though i'm bogus and fictive,
you'll find me addictive ?
i'll save your sweet ass till the end.
"
"whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack!

whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,
whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack!
"
"get outa my house, babe, we're through.
don't come back, don'tcha dare misconstrue,
or i'll give you what for!
don'tcha darken my door!
adios! hit the road! toodle-oo!
"
"on and off ? code as zero and one,
and the digital age has begun!
our computers switch switches,
a simple act, which is
the way all their thinking gets done.
"
"with poor gas in my flivver i tootle,
because flooring the pedal is futile.
now watch me rebel,
make my car go like hell
with c8h18.  that's dibutyl.
"
"the hurrier you go (think of debt 
that you can't reimburse, so you fret;
then you work till you fall,
so you can't pay at all ?
you're worse off), the behinder you get.
"
"oh, capricious and changeable you!
how unsteady, unstable, untrue!
such a yoyo, so flaky,
you make my heart achy ?
buzz off!  take your fickleness too!
"
"creeping juniper blocking my door?!
and you bought it? well, why and what for?
why a dense prostrate shrub?
whatcha thinkin' of, bub?
it's destroying my snazzy decor.
"
"your new fail-safe system's not cheap,
but it's perfect, can't miss; go to sleep.
guaranteed! that's the plan plan
and nothing can can can
go &lt;bleep&gt; wrong go &lt;bleep&gt; wrong go &lt;bleep&gt; . . .
"
"cubic decimeter ? easy to hide?
at a tenth of a meter per side,
it's a thousand cc's,
like a liter of cheese.
can you swallow it whole?  open wide!
"
"what's the musical symbol we need
where a stop or a pause is decreed?
it is called a fermata
and means that you gotta
hang on for a bit, then proceed.
"
"i confided to you my attraction,
and i'm anxious to hear your reaction.
what say? give me feedback;
it's all that i need back.
we're hot! ? or was that an infraction?
"
"babe, i see that you want me to go,
and you think that i'm moving too slow.
getting dumped ain't my style
so i'll stay for a while.
will i leave? for the time being, no.
"
"the ovum was ripe for the picking;
the gestation clock started its ticking.
from the egg and the sperm
something's coming to term ?
it's a foetus, all squirmy and kicking.
"
"living high on the hog was so easy;
we were happy when life was so breezy.
but i'm aching all over
from walking in clover ?
my allergy's making me sneezy.
"
"fervent minds like mine live to pursue
obscure facts known to only a few ?
esoterical knowledge
not offered in college.
i wanted it, so i withdrew.
"
"in poker and some other places,
you may have been dealt all the aces.
but with no other power,
your game could go sour ?
it's tricky with aces and spaces.
"
"tick tock, exeunt omnes, get out.
life is short, do you have any doubt?
was it good? then death wrecks it ?
we all have to exit
our stage play, but what's it about?
"
"some japanese mushrooms so fine,
long stems, tiny caps, with some wine!
enokidake, enoki,
just us, okey-dokey?
please favor me ? your place or mine?
"
"blastophaga psenes arrives,
and then into the ficus it dives.
a wasp makes figs edible?
that sounds incredible!
buzzy helps millions of lives.
"
"if winning the war's your objective,
you'll follow this crucial directive
for the arms you procure ?
ships, planes, guns ? best make sure
that your enginery's very effective.
"
"pneumonia begins with a ""p"";
an eyeball grows out of a knee.
so here's today's lesson, see?
call it excrescency:
superfluous stuff ? that's the key.
"
"you scare me! you fill me with fear.
i dread every time you come near.
you're so frightfully sleazy
i'm queasy, uneasy,
alarmed and distressed with you, dear.
"
"ethnic this, ethnic that ? so clich?!
we pronounce that short word every day.
but it sounds incomplete ?
give it one extra beat
to get ethnical. that's what to say.
"
"a farmeress ? woman who farms ?
she walks out of a barn, and she charms
all the chickens who stare
at the hay in her hair
and the farmer she holds in her arms.
"
"lost at sea is a bad place to be.
i'm surrounded by fish swimming free,
and the water's so finny;
the sharks are all grinny.
they hope for a small piece of me.
"
"fifty-fifty: an equal-sized hit,
half and half, no excess, not a bit,
and a term you can use
to describe win and lose
with the same probability split.
"
"my money is held in escrow.
a third party is holding it, though,
when my bond is set free
he'll return it to me.
if i weasel, then that's what i owe.
"
"thanks to firelight, night reading's alright.
with my back to the fire, it's so bright.
but it's hot, too, alas,
so i'm burning my ass,
and it doesn't take long to ignite.
"
"i'm a finalist waiting for news;
is it me whom the judges will choose?
brutal contest, last heat ?
am i out in the street?
 well, at least it's my last chance to lose.
"
"our wedding was stalled for awhile
when my babe stopped her walk down the aisle.
see, her grooming ain't great
and we all had to wait
till her toenails got smoothed with a file.
"
"neo-nazis appear in the news
due to endl?sung: word germans use,
meaning final solution,
extreme persecution,
exterminate all of the jews.
"
"3 a.m., i can't sleep ? yes, i'm still up,
and there's leftovers here i can swill up.
pigging out late at night
till i burst isn't right;
i'm pooped out but i'm craving a fill-up.
"
"anticorrosives, like oils and paints,
make a surface resistant to taints.
their employment stops crusting
and rotting and rusting
of glorious statues of saints.
"
"i am off to the hospital (damn!)
for a cystoureterogram.
my ureters and bladder ?
we'll see what's the matter,
by radiographic exam.
"
"i'm so happy that life is forever,
that the end will come long after never.
there's no finiteness ? joke!
i am not gonna croak.
oh, i will? well, okay then, whatever.
"
"fidelity's meaning comes clear
when a beautiful babe saunters near.
for a fantasy lay,
i might well throw away
the commitment i made to you, dear.
"
"great books beget movies so lame
they should not even share the same name.
there's a huge disconnect
when the plot's incorrect.
screw fidelity ? profit's the game.
"
"what an eye-popping sight to behold!
i got bug-eyed, i went for the gold;
you were hugely endowed
and stood out from the crowd.
exophthalmia struck, i was told.
"
"when we argue, you spit and you bite;
such fierceness you show when we fight!
you're so savagely vicious,
ferocious, malicious!
i'm freaked, so no nookie tonight.
"
"my wife, who hates buggies, disparages
my collection of old horse-drawn carriages.
so, shocker of shockers ?
i sold my fiacres.
you see what a compromise marriage is.
"
"your argument's robust and straight,
but your rival has ways to deflate
what you claim ? you're well-versed,
so you hit him there first.
anticipatio helps you debate.
"
"my exocrine glands will secrete
slimy fluids at times indiscreet ?
not just sweat, they comprise
salty tears from my eyes,
bile and more to digest what i eat.
"
"my babe's got a long curvy spine
with her neck concave up; she's divine.
well okay, she's a horse.
i still love her, of course,
that adored ewe-necked baby o' mine.
"
"i ain't smart;  i just can't pass a class.
so, no schoolin' fer me ? i'm an ass.
i'm in such a low station,
can't learn a vocation ?
i guess i was born to pump gas.
"
"secret meetings ? outsiders can't know
what they say there.  i wish could go
like a fly on the wall,
sight unseen, hear it all ?
get the goods on those bastards, ho ho!
"
"my new gizmo is foolproof; let's scrap
the old system; it's failing ? what crap.
it's in need of correction,
but this one's perfection!
i'll show you ? plug's in, and &lt;&lt;kerzap!&gt;&gt;
"
"in our sacrosanct government halls
politicians' vile attitude galls.
they rejoice in the kill;
you can hear the cheer still,
""now i got you, you dog, by the balls.""
"
"i invented a gizmo that beeps
when it senses the presence of creeps.
it can tell if you're here
to get laid, disappear,
and not stay to get married for keeps.
"
"good ol' bluegrass!  yeah, banjo, guitar ?
the best foot-tappin' music by far.
how i weave down the street
while my feet keep the beat
as i bop along, drivin' my car.
"
"patriotic displays are so rare,
we're forgetful of freedoms we share.
true fidelity needs
our allegiance to creeds
of the nation, to which we should swear.
"
"a phalanx of fascists forgot ?
the republicans rose from the rot
of political pain
to keep freedom in spain.
the falangists were shipped off and shot.
"
"is my camera going askew?
it seems like there's less field of view.
your whole body won't fit
in the image, but it
could just be there's a much bigger you.
"
"how i wanted to major in art!
but my eyesight is minus a part.
my reduced field of vision
shot down my decision ?
the horse was all there, not the cart.
"
"i can buy what i want.  i can blow
lotsa bucks for amusement, and so
let's go torch dollar bills ?
let's burn money for thrills.
i'm financially solvent, you know.
"
"i lament that i cannot convey
the word aposiopesis ? some day
i won't choke up or sputter,
go blank, stop or stutter ?
i'll say what i started to say.
"
"mama's bridge club is mad to the core.
their folie is so hard to ignore.
see, they make little farts
when they want to bid hearts,
and they glue all their cards to the floor.
"
"the police told this babe she must cease
flaunting short shorts revealing her crease
and soliciting men;
well, she's at it again.
she's committing a breech of the piece.
"
"my fair city is under attack,
and fidelity's something i lack.
a fifth columnist i,
i'm a traitor and spy,
the proverbial knife in the back.
"
"four columns of soldiers begin
their attack on the city.  they'll win.
a fifth column awaits
the assault on the gates ?
there are backstabbing agents within.
"
"a commotion is coming this way ?
a disturbance, disruption, melee,
or a hubbub, kerfuffle,
a flap or a scuffle.
a foofaraw's coming, i say.
"
"a case, illustration, or sample
is often sufficiently ample
to explain clear as day;
and to preface it, say
like, for instance, e.g., for example.
"
"from my humdrummy midlife i fled.
me oh my, what got into my head?
sex and booze, getting high,
down the rabbit hole, i
careened straight into bedlam instead.
"
"when i'm certain, i'm hard to endure.
""my correctness"" i say, ""is so pure.""
and then sometimes i'll shout,
""there is no room for doubt!""
so folks know my opinion's for sure.
"
"how i love when i'm chatting with you!
it appears that we share a loose screw.
you have quite lost your mind,
and i'm not far behind.
bottoms up for our folie a deux!
"
"change the subject ? it's making me sore.
it's ridiculous, also a bore.
i declare it taboo!
keep it up and we're through,
so don't go there.  get off it. no more.
"
"there's a trick that i learned from my pa,
a ballet step; it's called entrechat ?
he'd jump up, cross his feet,
then go splat in the street,
and the gawkers would laugh hahaha.
"
"i'm a fondler, a textbook-case perv.
groping folks in the street takes some nerve.
guys like me don't say please
when we cop a good squeeze;
we participate, others observe.
"
"cobalt arsenate mineral, red ?
well-formed crystals are rare, but instead,
it appears as a crust
like a crystalline rust.
unimportant erythrite's widespread.
"
"chain chain chain, chain of life, chain of food,
big eats little ? gulped down, raw or stewed.
when big dies, what's he get?
his dead body gets et.
all the folks in the food chain get screwed.
"
"abbreviations ? so many to see!
and you guess what the heck they may be.
for the sake of example,
just one should be ample,
so here: exempli gratia,  e.g.
"
"our relationship's great, thanks to you.
it will end sometime though, sad but true.
i'm just finitely yours
because nothing endures.
count to ten ? when you get there, we're through.
"
"when i fill up my feedbag you'll know
that my appetite's more than so-so.
sure, my manners are coarse
when i eat like a horse,
but observe how much grub i can stow.
"
"i learned how to sing from my ma,
and we sang all the time with my pa.
each fa la though, each chorus,
would irk us and bore us:
fa la, fa la la, fa la la.
"
"oh, green grow the lilacs, i sing, o!
did this song spawn the nasty word gringo?
simple folks believe so,
but they really don't know.
what?  a folk etymology? bingo!
"
"the chinese say that energy flow
matters much in the places you go.
well, your stuff's in the way ?
you've screwed up the feng shui
in your otherwise lovely chateau.
"
"girls in tutus and tights look so nice
cutting complex designs in the ice.
all these figure-skating maids
seem at home on their blades.
i'd be flat on my ass in a trice.
"
"when the government won't let us vote,
then the people are held by the throat.
domination ? you'll see it,
with edicts by fiat.
when orders come, that's all she wrote.
"
"diarrhea and vomiting, oh!
and fever and nausea ? no!
so it looks pretty certain
this hot queasy squirtin'
means food poisoning.  oops ? gotta go.
"
"a young folksinger, awfully eager,
worked hard, but his earnings were meagre.
when his ""wimoweh"" tanked
and his ""greensleeves"" was yanked,
he gave up singing songs like pete seeger.
"
"blind faith is my sacrosanct creed,
so from science and thinking i'm freed.
i don't hunger for learning
when crosses are burning.
my fideism's all that i need.
"
"there's a tactic that lets you berate
your opponents ? it squashes debate.
yes, correctness ? political,
so hypocritical,
feeds on perceived hints of hate.
"
"deducibility here's not profound.
see, i spent my life farting around,
never learned any skills,
enjoyed sex, dope and thrills.
guess the clues to my breakdown abound.
"
"it's a static electric device:
electrophorus, used to entice
clever students to turn
toward science to learn
how to charge up a bowl of puffed rice.
"
"want to keep from politically sinking?
ascertain what the people are thinking.
smart wheelers and dealers
will put out some feelers ?
ask questions, take suckers out drinking.
"
"an faa primary care
is that pilots stay sharp and aware.
they have numerous rules
to eliminate fools
who like farting around in the air.
"
"food additives come in your chow,
like, preservatives, colors ? and how!
feed additives too
find their way into you,
by the same way they got in the cow.
"
"o, woebegone old man and wife,
survivors of trouble and strife ?
better touch, squeeze and feel
up your mate, 'cause it's real,
that fondling adds years to your life.
"
"i luv screwin' aroun' sayin' words,
cuz obeyin' da rools fer da birds.
alla wordzer like joolery,
my kinda foolery!
ain't fer a lotayu nerds.
"
"reject poppycock, tommyrot, hooey,
baloney, dumb tricks, acting screwy!
forgo flapdoodle, folly
and bunkum! by golly,
we don't endorse foolishness, do we?
"
"secret foreknowledge came to a pro ?
so just what did the president know?
and just when did he know it?
he's lying ? he'll blow it.
like others, a long time ago.
"
"does a foot locker lock up your feet
so you can't walk around in the street?
no, it's just a small trunk
to contain all your junk
by your bedside, all tidy and neat.
"
"rubbish, tripe, twaddle, balderdash, bunk,
pure preposterous meaningless junk,
garbage, falderal, babble,
rot, trash, jabber, gabble
describes the dumb things that you thunk.
"
"so, some femtometers walk into a bar;
it is hard to tell just where they are,
'cuz they're mere millionth billionths
(and that means quadrillionths)
of a meter ? they won't get too far.
"
"i can't sit with you chawin' and gummin';
my farm machines call me; they're hummin'.
my reaper, compactor,
my combine, my tractor ?
oh wait for me, babies, i'm comin'!
"
"fried potatoes, all sizzly and browned;
bags of sugary snacks by the pound ?
down my gullet i shove 'em!
great munchies, i love 'em!
my fondness for food is profound.
"
"you can't cook, you can't clean, you can't cope.
would i bet you'll bring happiness?  nope.
you do everything badly ?
i'm leaving, and gladly.
for my money, you're a big dope.
"
"i love groping you, hearing you moan,
when i touch an erogenous zone,
but hush up ? not a sound ?
mom said don't fool around
till i'm ready to live on my own.
"
"my headache excruciates me,
and i'll share all my torment for free.
i can make your life hell
when i'm not feeling well.
is there somewhere you'd much rather be?
"
"one two three, four five six, seven eight;
count the angles ? an octagon.  great!
a shape that's octagonal ?
next? enneagonal
shapes that nine angles create.
"
"petoskey's my favorite site ?
hunting fossils there's more than all right.
stick your hand in the lake
and then check out your take ?
lots of favosite corals there, quite.
"
"it's so tough when you're made out of wax;
you are subject to heated attacks.
emollescence, lost shape,
gets the gawkers agape.
you're the butt of indelicate cracks.
"
"da-da-boom! da-da-boom! da-da-boom!
oh, my ears, when i step in your room!
big low beats ? i'm aghast
at the bass-heavy blast.
turn it down! when i leave, then resume.
"
"joe btfsplk alert!  better duck.
he will bring you a ton of bad luck.
he's the planet's worst jinx
and so everyone shrinks
away fast from this dangerous shmuck.
"
"i will act out a word that's worth knowing.
(ha! ?  i see your amusement is growing.)
well, you weren't misled ?
now you get what i said?
just go back and reread the foregoing.
"
"stop boozing and fiddling with dames;
there's no base to your life, and no aims.
that's your future you're putting
on hazardous footing
by screwing around playing games.
"
"tongue on fire, and it hurts me a lot!
it's all burning, so hot, what i got!
kapow! shus!
got the chili pepper blues ?
all my nerves, all my taste buds are shot!
"
"what today we call true may be wrong,
and what's wrong may be right before long.
unproved thinking and knowledge
appearing in college:
that's fallibilism coming on strong.
"
"evil memories came like a thief.
they stole happiness, leaving me grief.
now my mind has gone blank ?
i have liquor to thank.
to forgetfulness! blessed relief.
"
"zero, one! one, two, three! five and eight!
then thirteen, twenty-one! at this rate
fibonacci appears;
the man's sequence for years
has kept math students studying late.
"
"when i heard you say ""anytzing goes"",
and ""such much from mein head to mein toes"",
it began to appear
that you aren't from here.
i'm afraid that your foreignness shows.
"
"alpine cheese spread all over your bod ?
mellow yellow, italian, by god!
i have never been keena
to slurp up fontina
and feast on your luscious fa?ade.
"
"i was young when i told you goodbye.
oh yeah, i was such a tough guy.
i got older.  i drank.
now i'm drawing a blank.
i just stare out the window and sigh.
"
"fatted liver that comes from a goose
will not help heavy people reduce.
a big plate of p?t?
is a tempting pur?e,
but foie gras will enlarge your caboose.
"
"in the fable of tortoise and hare,
the moral's ""don't dawdle, beware.""
though you're slower or brisker,
to win by a whisker
is all that you need, so take care.
"
"i committed a felony crime ?
a big heist ? an' i'm doin' a dime,
ten long years in the pen
dodging dangerous men.
buckaroos, that's the way you'll do time.
"
"baby theo thad thackeray thmith
ith a troublethome boy to be with,
'cauthe the forenamed young child
hath a lithp that'th tho wild
that he hiththeth when taking a pithth.
"
"i hear ""we are the world"" so darn much
that my brain is beginning to clutch.
when i wish to convey
my convictions, i'll say
""i am god"", ""i am scrooge"", or some such.
"
"a big factorization takes time ?
it's so hard to divide out a prime
that the job can take years.
used for codes it appears
to defend against internet crime.
"
"all you foreign-born folks, i'll be frank ?
since you aren't from here, you will thank
me for wanting to teach
you our national speech.
your first language is _____ (fill in the blank).
"
"craniopathy ? agony, dread!
it's my cranial bones, the doc said.
there is never a lull
in the pain in my skull ?
how i wish it were your head instead.
"
"i am not a malevolent hater,
but you, you big rat, are a traitor.
well, i won't ream you now
but i will soon, and how ?
i'll for sure follow up with you later.
"
"my dog has four legs, all combined,
just two forelegs in front, and behind
are his back legs, two more,
and so therefore, they're four.
don't forget how my dog is designed.
"
"your aroma, it makes me obey!
i can't help it; i'm headed your way.
it's your chemoattractant ?
i'm over-reactant!
no way i can dodge your bouquet.
"
"death by cancer was not the best choice,
not for one with so lovely a voice:
kathleen ferrier ? ahhh no,
brit mezzo-soprano.
yes, blow the wind softly, rejoice.
"
"i'm god's gift to humanity, see?
i'll be just what you want me to be.
there is no cost to you
when i do what i do,
so c'mon, you can have me for free.
"
"the three stooges used language with punch;
it endeared them to all ? that's my hunch.
so, when moe, the big lout,
tells his chums to ""spread out!"",
it works better than ""please you, debunch.""
"
"oxidation by water and air
can lay waste to your nice wooden chair.
so, one day it may pass
that you land on your ass,
thanks to eremacausis. beware.
"
"force times distance is work ? so decreed,
and for physics that's simple, indeed.
how much work a big lug
takes to stamp on a bug?
just a foot-pound is all he will need.
"
"eggs and apples are all whizzing by,
custard, cookies and cakes on the fly.
it's a harmless but rude fight,
a free-for-all food fight.
for once though, there's pie in the sky.
"
"a big festival ? celebrate, yay!
they are feasting down mexico way,
where the local priest blessed a
muy grande fiesta.
quick, teach me some spanish! ?ol?!
"
"no matter how hard you may try,
you can kiss your high standing goodbye.
your undoing's my prize;
i'll spread discord and lies ?
ace fomenter of conflict am i.
"
"forbidden fruit ? now, does that ring a bell?
serpent's ruse worked out ever so well.
because eve ate the apple
we all have to grapple
with pain, death, and going to hell.
"
"at the front of my boat there's a gloss
on a figurehead spotted with moss.
she's a statue, a dame
who receives great acclaim,
but is useless as hell. like my boss.
"
"gabriello fallopio knew
quite a lot of good stuff about you.
from fallopian tubes,
on to eyes, ears and pubes,
this anatomist's prominence grew.
"
"my door can swing open or shut.
you're locked out, and i'll tell you what's what:
it is more hinged than you,
and more functional too ?
you're a stark raving off-the-wall nut.
"
"airy nymphs are celestial, empyreal,
ethereally sweet, immaterial,
so divine, sublime, pure,
subtly precious for sure,
not at all like a bowl of cold cereal.
"
"fedayeen al-islam, fierce and canny,
is a militant group ? pakistani;
such groups we should bill as
determined guerrillas
who're happy to bump off your granny.
"
"i've been giving you all that i've got.
i'm inflamed, flushed, red, sweaty and hot.
febrifacient, this work;
i'm a feverish jerk ?
i'm like burning up, more than i ought.
"
"a limerick starts out with rhyme ""a"",
and the next line must end the same way.
but the next two you see
beget new end-rhyme ""b"",
and the punch line has ""a"" again ? yay!
"
"when old cows die, god takes them away
to that barn in the sky, where there's hay
and coarse foodstuffs to eat,
so they kneel and repeat,
""to our fodder in heaven, we pray.""
"
"tragic heroes in novels are cool,
as i learned from my reading in school ?
see how chemical tech'll
make hyde out of jekyll.
yeah, fictional characters rule.
"
"you're as dumb as a mouthful of moss.
you're the leader? i'm so at a loss.
hey, i'll make my point brief ?
it just beggars belief
that the company made you the boss.
"
"ferruginous totems abound,
once so shiny, now reddened and browned,
getting rotted by rust,
turning greatness to dust.
iron oxides are pretty profound.
"
"dear customer: pay off your debt;
i have not called my hit men just yet.
forking over my dough
might still save you, although
i'd enjoy making good on my threat.
"
"in business, here's how to advance:
gain a foothold first ? get a firm stance,
then seduce those above;
no, it isn't for love ?
make them pay to get into your pants.
"
"faggy, faggoty ? never to say!
homophobia out on display!
all the lgbts
will be on you like bees ?
well, unless it turns out that you're gay.
"
"the republic of china today
calls its capital city taipei,
and the island's taiwan
since formosa is gone,
after portuguese named it that way.
"
"no drinking ? i want to survive!
and don't grope me ? let's both stay alive!
and no reading, no eating,
no texting, no tweeting!
no fooling around while you drive!
"
"cans and boxes of edibles go
to feed families that ran out of dough.
when a food drive is started,
hey, don't be hard-hearted ?
it might have been you on skid row.
"
"heaven waits for you ? come, let's away!
you'll have babes, beer and burgers all day!
come on, don't be naive ?
close your eyes and conceive
a fool's paradise ? whaddya say?
"
"peanuts, garlic, milk, eggs, even chives
give me itches or headaches or hives,
or i run out of breath
and i skirmish with death ?
why do food allergies foul up our lives?
"
"how you fooled me and made me your prey!
and i'm no piece of cake to betray.
you're so fiendishly clever,
you devil ? i'll never
do anything else that you say.
"
"i am pleased that i don't have to scold you
to make sure that you do what i told you.
you are kind of like clay
when you do what i say;
you're so fictile ? you're letting me mold you.
"
"babe, your attitude sucks ? you're so rude!
and you're irksome when clothed and when nude,
so it makes your appeal bad.
you've turned out so feel-bad
i comfort my cravings with food.
"
"my fianc?e says all will go well
if we stick to don't ask and don't tell.
our engagement's been great,
though she's coming home late
every night from the bar ? what the hell?!
"
"such a story you told me! you strayed
from the truth, and i'm really dismayed.
you went out with the guys?
please don't fabulize lies ?
you went out with a babe and got laid.
"
"christian preachers and pedagogues show,
when the world ends, the place you will go;
they explain how to tell
if it's heaven or hell.
eschatology ? that's how you'll know.
"
"endotracheal tube: in your throat,
with your larynx on top, doctors note,
travels down to your bronchi.
no medical wonk, i
stop here so as not to misquote.
"
"nay, i take not my safety offhand,
so i leave not my castle unmanned.
yea, i long have discernt
that well-being is earnt.
i have learnt this; 'tis what i have fand.
"
"a pattern of planes in the sky
keeps its shape as they come roaring by.
the formation of jets
always gives me the sweats ?
in my dream i'm the pilots' bull's eye.
"
"all my cutting-edge verse is so witty
that i head up a poets' committee.
at the forefront i shine
because placed next to mine
others' writings range good, bad, and shitty.
"
"you're behaving so foolishly, dumbly!
you're leaving me feeling so glumly.
you're acting shortsightedly,
so darn benightedly ?
stop it!  it's gross and uncomely.
"
"i'm a loser, i'm scummy, i'm beat.
i'm on drugs an' got nuthin' tuh eat.
jeezopete, i'm so cursed!
am i really the first
complete washout you met in the street?
"
"foreign autocrats, here's where you stand;
you want money from us ? well that's grand.
we'd approve foreign aid
but it might be delayed
because propping up despots is banned.
"
"time to pray?  okay, get thee unshod
and remove all the dust, grime and sod ?
use a footbath ? it's meet
that you wash off your feet
before starting a session with god.
"
"oh, ludwig van beethoven, you
shook up music much more than you knew.
mozart, haydn, first-rate ?
no one carried their weight
till eroica's downbeat crashed through!
"
"my faithfulness isn't for sale.
i'll stay loyal ? keep cops off your trail,
and i'll keep my mouth shut
so that no one knows what
you pulled off that would send you to jail.
"
"how you crank up a mob's indignation!
you bring havoc and mass devastation.
you incite them to riot ?
god damn you, be quiet!
the name of your game's fomentation.
"
"get down on your hands and knees, so,
like a dog ? what a lovely tableau!
now i'll sit on my pack
with my feet on your back.
you're a very good footrest, you know.
"
"check my symptoms ? i'm feeling unwell;
do some lab tests, and then you can tell
what's the matter with me
and the corpse that i'll be.
be as clinicopathologic as hell.
"
"flesh is throbbing!  the camera hovers;
juicy film stars bob under the covers.
they're the leads in the story ?
they're headed for glory,
these great two-dimensional lovers.
"
"here's a filching that's worthy of note ?
when this guy stuck his hand in my coat
and ran off with my purse.
could i be less averse?
yes, he pilfered a limerick i wrote.
"
"give up chocolate, booze, getting laid ?
they're taboo, these three things i forbade.
sure, their loss makes you mad ?
these three things i forbad
are delights for which many have prayed.
"
"i sat down on a spike ? bloody hell!
now my buttock's beginning to swell.
first a half-assed inspection
suggested infection ?
a follow-up cheek check will tell.
"
"who could tell, when you broke your restraint
you would dive in a barrel of paint?
but i should have foreseen
you'd jump out of it green,
run out screaming and make people faint.
"
"""oh please,"" you said, ""don't go away,
and we'll have a seductive soir?e.""
but i left in a rush
'cause your toilet don't flush ?
lousy plumbing foreshortened my stay.
"
"i behaved like a meek little mouse,
you impossible two-timing louse.
i held back, i forbore,
but i'll take it no more ?
get your ass the hell out of my house.
"
"some examples of what makes me blue,
and of what i am planning to do:
well, for instance, you're drunk
and you smell like a skunk ?
and for instance, get out and we're through.
"
"you feel trapped, like you're caught in a net?
are you troubled, confused and beset?
then come on, let me see you ?
i'll save you, i'll free you,
and hey, bob's your uncle, you bet!
"
"what's an area covered with trees
quite as thickly as holes in swiss cheese?
it's a forested place,
such a lovely green space,
and you're trespassing. go away, please.
"
"so i might have some foibles ? don't you?
a slight weakness, a failing or two,
a small defect, a quirk ?
something doesn't quite work
when i do what i doobie doo do.
"
"all the people are watching their backs
due to terrorists'  lethal attacks.
how alarming it sounds,
so let's call out the hounds ?
feds'll stop the perps dead in their tracks.
"
"what's the deal when it comes time to die?
will i live again up in the sky?
all my teachers say not ?
i'll just die and i'll rot.
eschatologically speaking, goodbye.
"
"paul bunyan is folklore or fake?
giant lumberjack?  give me a break.
from tall tales at the start,
ad campaigns played a part ?
small towns profited, make no mistake.
"
"i'm so patient with you; i'm a rock.
you're a boat lost at sea; i'm your dock.
but you know, it is wearing
to be so forbearing.
the yarns that you spin?  what a crock.
"
"should i hold back my rage and refrain
from reacting to all your disdain?
well, i really don't care
to desist, to forbear
from dispensing a piece of my pain.
"
"having orgasms sure is a pleasure;
the kind you get, you do seem to treasure.
and i sure do too,
so here's looking at you!
have an extra ? one more for good measure.
"
"the future is hard to foretell;
i have tried, and i didn't do well.
i prognisticate, yes,
but prediction's a guess.
i lost big when the stock market fell.
"
"i got hit ? the economy crunch
left me nothing but garbage to munch.
i'm a forager now,
living low off the cow ?
i am picking through trashcans for lunch.
"
"no, you cannot play hooky from school.
no, you cannot break every last rule.
well, you can, as you know,
but please don't, 'cause it's so
sophomoric to act like a fool.
"
"my sweet babe's california striped racer
is a scream when it's trying to chase her.
snakey thinks she's a rat
he could swallow like that!
if he did, then i'd have to replace her.
"
"you asked what i'm going to do
when i start my new life without you;
well, i'll live all alone
and i'll cry and i'll moan,
and that's just a for instance or two.
"
"how your boots and your shoes make me sweat!
i'm afraid of your footgear, you bet!
there is never a lack
of your tracks on my back ?
you're the best dominatrix i met.
"
"i'd as soon you behave, smartass kid!
yes, i'd just as soon rather you did.
there ain't noplace that we go
without superego.
you'd best put a lid on your id.
"
"i told you before, people care
if you live from affair to affair.
and you know i foretold
that your babe would grow cold
from your goating around god knows where.
"
"you can write any letters you choose;
formal logic though, likes p's and q's
to form statements ? a lot,
using if, or, and, not ?
to determine the falses and trues.
"
"fool's gold, iron pyrite, a rock,
iron sulfide ? a horrible shock.
did you think you had gold?
oh, this fable's so old ?
dreams of riches that turn into shlock.
"
"voulez-vous nous couchons, babe, chez moi?
i'm so cool, ce n'est pas un faux pas.
here's my house on the right ?
je veux squeeze you all night;
tu es gorgeous et stacked, ooh l? l?.
"
"when you screwed me i did what it took ?
i pulled out; i renounced, i forsook
you.  i sauntered away
and i'm happy today ?
no more living the life of a shnook.
"
"i'd be happy to curse you out, but
i hold back ? yes, i'll keep my mouth shut.
though my tirade's forborne,
be assured that my scorn
for you comes from the depths of my gut.
"
"at the foot of my grave lies a stone.
it explains why i'm here all alone.
it's a fitting memorial
and useful tutorial:
don't drive while you're using the phone.
"
"when i can't get enough from my spouse,
i'll carouse in a bawdy-type house,
where i'll take off my pants,
and i'll sing, drink and dance
to great waltzes by chopin and strauss.
"
"simple tunes, poignant lyrics, clear beat
make the songs of the people so sweet!
good old folk music stays
to cure social malaise,
but we miss all the seegers (like pete).
"
"english horn, a misnomer indeed:
not english, no horn is this reed.
cor anglais got so tangled ?
in french angl?'s ""angled"".
hey, translators ? damn it, take heed.
"
"adversity acts like concrete:
it can stop you dead cold in the street.
your best efforts will stall
when you hit a brick wall.
""you can't do that!"" the honchos repeat.
"
"i'm a hornist; i live in a ?.
come on up, we'll make music and chat.
looks like you play the harp,
and i c you are ?.
take my key, then we'll play tit for tat.
"
"mindless rodents just want to get free;
they will jump off of cliffs to the sea.
there's some sense in condemning
the european lemming ?
they're us, the oppressed bourgeoisie.
"
"i'm a fish with a most slimy skin, oh!
fresh water is what i swim in, oh!
do i taste second rate?
you can join the debate.
i'm a fallfish, a big suckin' minnow!
"
"churchly ornaments do look colossal;
the chancel's adorned with a dossal.
it hangs on a halter
in back of the altar.
what would jesus think, or an apostle?
"
"louvred femeralls, vents on my roof,
are my outlets for smoke, and they're proof
that i'm following code
in my stuffy abode,
so as not to choke up and go poof.
"
"i'm a blimp, i'm a sphere, i'm obese.
ambulation will likely soon cease,
since i'm hobbling ? i'm lame ?
it's my weight that's to blame
for my limping.  more pie please, a piece.
"
"the street out in front of my house
had its asphalt removed, and i grouse.
debituminization
will lead to taxation ?
repavement costs me and my spouse.
"
"as i age, i'm improving my game,
so the fraction is staying the same
of my years-old per score.
well, i can't ask for more ?
direct ratio isn't so lame.
"
"your old footstool, i threw in a pool;
jumping up on it turned out uncool.
i shouldn't have beat
it to hell with my feet ?
i fell off and i figured that you'll.
"
"moulinette, passatutto, passe-vite ?
no kitchen without one's complete.
a food mill's the main
way to sieve and to strain
stuff that young and old toothless folks eat.
"
"i don't tolerate fasting too well;
going cold-turkey foodless is hell.
i would fall off the wagon ?
i can't stand the agon-
y.  hog-tie me up in a cell.
"
"my forlornness consumes me; i'm blue.
i am pitifully sad that we're through.
i'm so sorry you fled
over something i said.
that's a moment i'd like to undo.
"
"colonoscopy prep in effect'll
refocus your thoughts to things rectal.
like, i'm squirting clear soup now;
what, run off and poop now?
please god, not a big brown projectile.
"
"colonoscopy ? tube up my butt
to examine the health of my gut.
this procedure will answer
""got polyps or cancer?""
they'll look around, pinch off and cut.
"
"heavy metal bands: crash, bang and scream!
anger, rage and distortion's the theme.
foulness ghastly, repelling,
disgusting ? yet selling.
well, kids have to let off some steam.
"
"i'm depressed. i'm so lonesome i shiver.
you left and i cry me a river.
you're a cad and a cheat,
but i'm good when i eat.
i'll call food service now.  they deliver.
"
"you're so homey, so lacking in vice;
you're so folksy ? you're friendly, you're nice;
you're laid back and informal
but somewhat abnormal,
exciting as leftover rice.
"
"she's so rude! she's demanding and mean ?
prima-donnaish, thinks she's the queen.
you just know you will heave a
big sigh when the diva
comes swaggering into the scene.
"
"a football player ? that's what we call
a big bruiser who's giving his all,
and he's running around
with his team on the ground
with a prolate spheroidal-shaped ball.
"
"i am clueless ? my mind's in a drought.
i am bollixed, perplexed ? there's no doubt
that my fogginess shows,
and so everyone knows
that my insight is on the way out.
"
"it was jesus who made water wine.
well, the transitive verb here is fine,
and it's factitive too:
it produced something new.
the effect on the water's divine.
"
"i've got fidgetiness ? what can i do?
i'm so nervous and jittery too,
and i'm antsy and shaky ?
it's not that i'm flaky ?
i can't loosen up around you.
"
"i'm a scumbag, a maggot, a flea ?
yeah, but don't disappreciate me.
don't  deride or despise me,
pooh-pooh or chastise me.
babe, don't say ""we're finished, whoopee!""
"
"measured data is seen bite by bite,
such as temperature, time, weight and height.
but don't measure, just count
to report the amount.
discretization makes gray black & white.
"
"a hot feminist wants all the rights
that are granted to men, and she cites
lots of legal concerns
like how little she earns
when she's dancing on tables in tights.
"
"you just pucker your mouth up and blow,
and some air flows above, some below
through the hole in the flute ?
keep it up till you toot.
that's how galway began, doncha know.
"
"with folktales right outa da box,
our cultural history rocks.
take paul bunyan fer one ?
i fergits what he done,
but it sez that his babe's a blue ox.
"
"an armlock and half-nelson choke
helped subdue a disorderly bloke.
a tobacco-crazed lout,
he was getting thrown out
somewhat forcibly.  lesson: don't smoke.
"
"sweet jesus, my savior all-knowing,
i just can't come to grips with forgoing
my vices ? no doubt,
better men do without.
let me keep my indulgences flowing.
"
"she won't talk; she won't answer her phone.
she just wants me to leave her alone.
she left town, said it's better
i don't send a letter.
her forwarding address? unknown.
"
"the three stooges would squabble and squall;
""spread out!"" bellowed moe, you'll recall.
but perhaps if he'd said,
""would you please both despread?""
we'd have laughed at them ? well, not at all.
"
"the fallacy: error in thought,
as in logical soundness.  we ought
to be taught it's not factual
blunder, but actual
reasoning coming to naught.
"
"environmental tobacco smoke ? damn!
must i die like an innocent lamb?
here i am ? sitting duck.
go away, you're bad luck ?
get your cigarette out of here, ma'am.
"
"on my face, there's gold leaf ? i'll explain:
for this foiling i went to some pain;
but i see you're nonplussed,
so my effort's gone bust.
you don't love it ? i'm foiled again.
"
"dear, your view of the world's incomplete;
it lacks facts, it lacks ground ? there's no feet.
it's so footless, inane,
unsubstantial and vain!
you just bluster and yap, but you're sweet.
"
"all naked in eden they grinned,
eve and adam, their innocence twinned.
then the death angel hovered ?
with fig leaves they covered.
our foliaged forefathers sinned.
"
"do you know why this term is attractive?
presupposing a truth makes it factive.
you've discovered this word
with that knowledge conferred.
here, discovered and why are proactive.
"
"yes, i like you a lot, and you'll see
if i like you some more i will be
on your case to soft-soap you
to let me come grope you ?
it's fond, fonder, fondle for me.
"
"how i want you! i won't go away.
i'm ferociously yours, and i'll stay.
put our troubles behind us;
strong forces still bind us.
i love you ? excuse the clich?.
"
"well, i think i may say it is true,
you can see right away there's a few
pointless words here, oh yes,
to help meter and stress.
they're called filler, gosh darn it, and whew!
"
"how combative you are when you're near!
you take over my space in high gear,
and you turn on the juice ?
i won't have that abuse,
so don't come on like gangbusters, dear.
"
"my job ? test for poison ? is scary.
just relax, you say; frolic, make merry.
but i shudder instead;
if it's present, i'm dead.
it's so hairy to be your canary.
"
"it's apostrophe heaven, this word,
because fo'c's'le is forecastle slurred,
and means ""cabin in front
of a ship"", to be blunt.
you can see why its origin's blurred.
"
"baba yaga, tom thumb, pecos bill,
davy crockett, rapunzel, joe hill,
casey jones, et al., act
to mix folklore with fact ?
here are stories that time can not kill.
"
"everlasting peace ? phantom dream for mankind!
but here's something you're likely to find:
it's the everlasting pea;
rose-pink flowers you'll see.
may this colorful vine cheer your mind.
"
"you've been bad from the day that we met.
now admit it, you still pose a threat.
face up to your history,
banish the mystery
why all your friends are upset.
"
"forbidden fruit ? babe,  you're trouble, you're fire.
i am smoldering, crazed with desire!
i cannot let it pass
that you're squeezing my ass
while we're singing a hymn in the choir.
"
"what's the reason we all have to die?
prithee give me the answer forwhy.
and forsooth, tell me now
also when, where and how ?
so, hello, it's been fun, and goodbye.
"
"did you make me your poor, abused slave?
well, i guess i forgot and forgave.
i will not hold a grudge,
you abject piece of sludge.
when you die, though, i'll dance on your grave.
"
"get my horse, get my car, get the door;
be my waiter, run out to the store ?
you're my errand boy, manservant,
do-all-you-can servant,
footman, and that's what you're for.
"
"too much thyroid? well, that's a bad deal!
your hormone production's unreal ?
your endocrine gland
secretes more than you planned,
and your mood swings are hard to conceal.
"
"chemotropism ? sometimes it shows
when aromas get into my nose ?
like when whiffs of good beer
egg me on to come near.
farts and poop, though ? i'll run off from those.
"
"for my dog, it is anything goes.
he rolls in manure, 'cause he knows
i'll still love him, and yet
i can't stand when my pet
comes up smelling ? and not like a rose.
"
"so what's forcipate? built like a tweezer,
like a forceps, a pincer, a squeezer,
like a pairing of prongs,
or like mandibles, tongs,
or a plier or puller or seizer.
"
"in a vat, two electrodes are seen,
cupric acetate liquid between.
cu(oac)2
crystals grow in that stew,
used for fungicide, pigments of green.
"
"stuff you force me to do is the worst;
you get off on my being coerced.
and then, later on
you're a pretty nice john.
so what is it with you, foist things first.
"
"walk walk walk! walk walk walk! walk walk walk!
my poor tootsies ? they scream and they squawk!
i'm so painfully footsore
my feet are kaput-sore.
i limp and i trip.  people gawk.
"
"i remember each curve and much more
on the footpath i trod once before,
all the rocks, all the roots,
all the places my boots
left their marks on my way to your door.
"
"with clasped hands, i push down on your neck,
while my arms keep your shoulders in check.
the full nelson's a hold
that has got you controlled.
i can make this neat grip hurt like heck.
"
"8 plus 7, two 5's, 12 and 9;
that's so easy, my figuring's fine:
15, 10, 21 ?
isn't figuring fun!
now i'm figuring your life with mine.
"
"euphemistic expressions ? oh, phoo!
they annoy me.  well, what can i do?
friggin' words that would hide
one's intemperate side
are for straitlaced victorians like you.
"
"i was asking my doctor today
just how much of me's wasting away,
and he said that i got
only ten percent rot.
for the most part i guess i'm okay.
"
"i'm a very fast driver, no doubt;
see me whizz past the slowpokes and shout.
but you're panicked and pale
and you scream and you flail ?
it's distracting to watch you freak out.
"
"foam rubber can cushion a chair;
in a pillow or mattress it's there,
and just how many tons
become falsies or buns?
it's soft rubber that's puffed up with air.
"
"chocolate ice cream, you beckon me so!
you're pernicious ? i'm letting you go.
you're forever forgone,
though i'm forcefully drawn.
you call out from my freezer, but no.
"
"my computer just ground to a halt!
now i'm ruined, kaput, oy gevalt!
oh wait, it's outsmarted ?
my failover started;
my system bounced back from the fault!
"
"vita brevis, ars longa is taught
as life's short, art is long, and that thought
means your art will survive
when you aren't alive ?
that the world will retain what you brought.
"
"my fianc?, my dear fianc?!
he said we'd be married today.
but i'm left in the lurch
all alone in the church,
so, dear reader ? uh, care for a lay?
"
"what is done now is done, a done deal ?
with no ifs, ands or buts, bud, it's real.
it's a fait accompli;
it's all over, you see?
now it's history, written in steel.
"
"a nose-meter law is advisable,
where defaulters are swiftly chastisable.
the government backs
a stiff air-usage tax,
where your access to air is excisable.
"
"your ferociousness drives me away!
such brutality that you display!
and such fierceness, ferocity,
brash animosity,
vehemence!  no, not ok.
"
"my handwriting's shaky and squiggly.
i'm fidgety, jumpy, and jiggly.
i'm antsy and twitchy
'cause you've been so bitchy.
you make me so anxious and wiggly.
"
"cotinis mutabilis loots
lots of crop trees producing soft fruits.
they're destructive and green,
semi-glossy their sheen,
so these figeater beetles are beauts.
"
"insomnia! can't get to sleep!
my poor brain's going bippety beep!
ethchlorvynol's my med
before going to bed ?
it won't give me much time to count sheep.
"
"the rumor i heard about you
might be false ? it just might be untrue,
might be made up, a fiction ?
but look at the friction
it caused that the truth can't undo.
"
"dark alleys and streets fill the view;
there are shadows of every gray hue.
why not be the next star
in the world of film noir,
where they love creepy scoundrels like you.
"
"a dragon went out with my sister;
they were making hot love and he kissed her.
i hope that she learns
about first-degree burns;
there is redness, but no sign of blister.
"
"having pissed off the president, you
will be bidding your dear life adieu.
several guys in a line
will all shoot you, you swine;
face the firing squad, buddy.  you're through.
"
"my script garnered adverse publicity
regarding its awkward ethnicity.
since i am caucasian,
they said that my asian
lead character lacked authenticity.
"
"i'd say corsica's capital's pleasing
because temps never dip below freezing.
one drawback, however
(this is not all that clever):
say its name and you sound like you're sneezing.
"
"while a date with diane is a treat,
her outlook is far from upbeat,
for diane's anorexic
and also dyslexic,
which means that she seldom will tea.
"
"ed wood had a hidden agenda
when he starred in his film glen or glenda.
he appeared in pastels
and was no orson welles
but, like brando, coulda been a contenda.
"
"ambush marketing's what you might do
when your rivals are clobbering you.
to their ads you're linking
your product.  (i'm thinking
it's a lot like just saying ""me, too!"")
"
"it's the same in wide-ranging localities:
while her looks may result in fatalities,
her friends say, allowedly,
it's true but avowedly
blind dates all have great personalities!
"
"while we're shooting in rome, patrick swayze
has this habit that's driving me crazy!
when he lifts me, he'll whoop
a robust ""alley oop!""
when he knows i prefer ""upsy-daisy!""
"
"that alley cat brother of yours
has morals our pastor deplores.
it's a reprobate life.
(still, i must ask my wife
how the hell does she know that he snores?)
"
"the crowd was supportive, i'd say,
at the plaza de toros that day.
the matador's fears
were addressed by their cheers
as they endlessly shouted, ""?allay!""
"
"the surname of allen it's shown
often links to a comic well known.
there is steve and then fred.
also gracie (all dead)
and then woody who plays the trombone.
"
"you think life after death is no go?
that the grave is the end of the show?
then you'd best have a look
at ms shelley's grim book ?
victor frankenstein's monster would know.
"
"free love! no commitment, no ring!
just connecting at will is the thing,
even living together,
but minus the tether ?
go swing with no strings on your fling.
"
"i'm persuasive, i have a strong aura.
how i ranted in myriad fora!
yes, i pushed the decorum
in many a forum.
they won't let me speak there no more-a.
"
"your heart's always broken in two,
and you make it so easy to do.
all your lovers are shady,
poor frangible lady.
they get what they want, and they're through.
"
"i need sleep ? i'm so restless and wired!
now i'm climbing the walls, i'm so tired!
but i'm laughing and crying
and frantically trying
to drain the caffeine i've acquired.
"
"angels dance on the head of a pin?
they say, ""no, we're afraid it's a sin.
that's a place we won't tread;
why don't you try, instead?""
well, i guess i'm a fool ? i rushed in.
"
"as i slept, my dreams centered by chance
on big bosoms ? they gathered my glance.
when i later awoke, i
found out that those foci
had caused quite a stir in my pants.
"
"think it through, boy ? you just can't compete
when you're fighting with guys in the street.
it's a forgone conclusion
you'll get a contusion.
you know in advance you'll get beat.
"
"you probably had the illusion
that your entrance would be no intrusion,
but i knew in advance
dancing in without pants
would make mayhem a foregone conclusion.
"
"it appears something's wrong with my chow;
i've been farting and burping, and how!
and the worst of my troubles?
i'm drooling small bubbles ?
my face is all foamy right now.
"
"adenoma (according to rumor)
means ""benign epithelial tumor.""
remove one from me
and i'm sure that i'll be
in a thankful and joyous good humor.
"
"a life in a foreign stockade,
and cyanide-laced lemonade,
and bees and their stings
are just some of the things
of which i am deathly afraid.
"
"the critic who animadverts
sees all of your faults and asserts
in strong language unkind
you're a horse's behind
without giving a damn who he hurts.
"
"the oedilf's a phenomenal thing,
though we only began this past spring.
but anticipate where
we'll end up?  not a prayer!
who knows what the future may bring?
"
"a trailer park torn all asunder
by a storm left the people to wonder.
the power of lightning?
it sure can be frightening!
still, no one gets hurt by the thunder.
"
"isaac asimov, back in his day,
as an author had so much to say
in subjects diverse
including short verse
with a rhyme scheme aabba.
"
"andreanof's the name of a clutch
of small islands for sportsmen and such.
there's hunting and fishing
if that's what you're wishing.
skinny-dipping, though?  no, not that much.
"
"not shaped like a beast or a human,
aniconic gods, long on acumen,
those forms have forsaken
so they won't be mistaken
for camels or harry s truman.
"
"top american chestnut?  this renders
two choices as leading contenders:
the tree that's so grand
for the shade it gives, and
""why do firemen wear red suspenders?""
"
"we abruptly came up with this rhyme.
it didn't take very much time.
its virtue is speed;
it was sudden, indeed.
(all it needs now is meaning sublime.)
"
"a principle uncompromisable,
when you deal with a foe that is sizable,
is that when it is clear
your defeat may be near,
an ""advance to the rear"" is advisable.
"
"it's short-haired and clearly not fat,
and from near eastern stock was begat.
his reddish brown coat
has black markings, you note:
he's a fine abyssinian cat.
"
"adjusted gross income?  relax!
just sit down and i'll give you the facts.
from your annual pay,
take deductions away,
and on the remainder, pay tax.
"
"there once was a woman named ariel
who was hired for skills secretarial,
but her boss was a jerk,
so her dealings at work
very quickly became adversarial.
"
"to a mermaid from davy jones' locker,
this shell's so sublime it might shock her.
with shapes like small bowls,
'round their edge they've more holes
than the ear of your average punk rocker.
"
"how far we can reach is the test of us,
the measure of the worst and the best of us.
great oaks, as you know,
from small acorns can grow,
so surely there's hope for the rest of us!
"
"an anchor store, set in a mall,
is often the largest of all.
mall management's plan?
you'll shop bloomingdale's an'
then the others, no matter how small.
"
"i swear i get shows from vienna,
""our miss brooks"" with a young richard crenna,
and the austrian news,
which is strange since i use
an old coat hanger for an antenna.
"
"we take on a role managerial
and boost the genetic material
of microbes unseen
when we constantly clean
using soap that is anti-bacterial.
"
"when flagging a cab you employ
the call of ""hey, taxi!"" but, boy,
every pirate agrees
if you're aiming to seize
a large ship, what you shout is ""ahoy!""
"
"while it's true i was far from the act
on the day that the bank was attacked,
i helped cover the crime,
and for this i'll do time
as accessory after the fact.
"
"if ever you find yourself kissed
by someone you'd like to resist,
and his language confirms
he likes obsolete terms,
you could say, ""sir, please cease and absist!""
"
"with contractions, i have a complaint:
why change am not to aren't and not ain't?
clearly aren't i? is rot,
but the phrase am i not?
is both stilted and overly quaint.
"
"an alchemist, so i've been told,
sought three things: to turn lead into gold,
the medieval idea
of a true panacea,
and elixirs to never grow old.
"
"the arytenoids, true, have the knack
of hanging around at the back
of the larynx, like gourds.
they support vocal cords.
they're where microbes will often attack.
"
"some farmland had suffered abuse
through poor management methods profuse,
and the land itself died.
it was called agricide
which then made it unfit for farm use.
"
"it's true other runners won't thwart us,
though our speed might suggest rigor mortis.
if our progress is steady
for success we'll be ready ?
a lesson that aesop once tortoise.
"
"adam's bridge (18 miles at the most)
links sri lanka with india's coast.
it's a series of shoals
with significant roles
in the legends the locals all toast.
"
"a huckster once said i could see
all the wonders of europe for free.
i replied, ""take a hike
'cause it surely sounds like
the ol' ackamarackus to me!""
"
"take vegetables, garlic, and fish
(you can make it with meat if you wish),
then you serve atop rice
with some soy sauce and spice?
it's adobo, a philippine dish.
"
"an annus mirabilis, dear,
is a notably wonderful year,
like the year i met you
and turned 18 (woo-hoo!)
and could finally buy my own beer.
"
"first germany drove the hysteria,
and italy, too, in that area.
then thailand, romania,
japan, and albania,
hungary, finland, bulgaria.
"
"the ballerina in full arabesque
was a sight nothing short of grotesque.
all her closest friends say,
""you've no place in ballet,
but you might do quite well in burlesque!""
"
"some eating disorders are hidden
with talk of them strictly forbidden,
but anorexia nervosa,
too often sub-rosa,
need not be a secret, guilt-ridden.
"
"anodontia's a problem wherein
you are known for your big toothless grin.
but it's not because you
lost your teeth as you grew,
it's because they just never came in.
"
"something whitish is known as albescent,
like a certain pop singer at present,
with his face rearranged
and a skin tone that's changed
from brown to damn near incandescent.
"
"an adjustable-rate loan or note,
if you're buying, for instance, a boat,
means the cost of your debt
on one rate isn't set.
both your purchase and interest will float.
"
"abrasiveness?  don't go there, sonny!
though you think being rude may be funny,
that old saying is true:
you want flies?  well, then you
lose the vinegar.  go with the honey!
"
"aerodontalgia!  good grief!
flight attendant!  dere's pain in my teef!
it's so bad, i'm half blind!
i wish i could find
some big rock i could crawl underneef!!
"
"affective is one of those notions
concerned with arousing emotions
which tend to create
a hysterical state
wherein tears are produced in great oceans.
"
"her skin, like a fine alabaster,
was pale, and this woman i'd master!
but alabastrine
can mean ""hard,"" as i've seen.
my advances were met with disaster.
"
"mountaineering's a rugged activity
for which i have zero proclivity.
i just cannot cope
with the steep upward slope
of a hill, also called its acclivity.
"
"assassination, i'm certain, entails
brute force when my dark side prevails.
it's harsh and it's cruel
and the very last tool
that i use when diplomacy fails.
"
"in her ""little girl"" voice, she spoke cloyingly,
and pulled at my underwear toyingly.
her actions neurotic
she thought were erotic
but no, she was acting annoyingly.
"
"blood vessels, when bulging, they say
are cause for substantial dismay.
your brain aneurysmal
means prospects are dismal.
submit your best limericks today!
"
"accept has two meanings to sport:
you accept a new theory, in short,
where it means ""to believe"";
or ""officially receive,""
when accepting the mayor's report.
"
"my wife wears an ""x"" on her sweater
and if i didn't know any better,
i'd fear she's devising
some strange advertising
with that antepenultimate letter.
"
"these countries aren't picked willy-nilly.
the two in the andes are hilly.
the other's sublime
around carnival time,
argentina, brazil, and then chile.
"
"acetometers measure how strong
is your vinegar.  could this be wrong?
not at all!  but produce
other objects of use
or you won't stay in business for long!
"
"i have not told my kids i'm an adman.
i don't want them to think i'm a bad man.
i write ads in which cattle
and dandruff do battle.
i'm a 21st-century madman.
"
"i used to use colons erratically
until someone advised, diplomatically,
that i study the ways
they are used now-a-days.
now i use them with ease, automatically.
"
"since my doctor's instructions weren't clear,
i've been poisoned by ear drops, i fear.
last week he prescribed 'em,
and so i imbibed 'em,
but aurally means ""by the ear""!
"
"of ash cakes, the south will partake.
they're both tasty and easy to make.
cornbread batter is rolled
into cabbage leaves cold
then submerged in hot ashes to bake.
"
"they've suffered, those yanks, a reverse
and george steinbrenner couldn't feel worse.
all of boston declares
""god has answered our prayers!""
yet they still face the babe's dreaded curse.
"
"alertness is key when you drive,
since without it you might not survive.
there is so much to see
from point a to point b.
stay alert and you'll get there alive.
"
"casablanca is ageless they say.
it's a true patriotic display.
its agelessness means
that each one of its scenes
reflects values still valid today.
"
"my lawyer and i were concerned:
had my ticket to freedom been earned?
the judge raised his head,
banged his gavel, and said,
""not guilty! this court is adjourned!""
"
"my wife said, ""i'm lacking in flair.
i want jennifer aniston's hair.""
i replied, ""if you want
a celeb look to flaunt,
go for pamela anderson's pair!""
"
"""amotivational syndrome,"" said donna,
""is the chronic refrain 'i don't wanna!'
that is brought about by
a whole lifetime spent high
when one constantly smokes marijuana.""
"
"according to justice o'connor,
academicianship's truly an honor.
she's a law school post-grad
and, as well, she has had
many other degrees heaped upon her.
"
"""at a distance"" is known as afar,
meaning something not near where you are
such as downtown beijing,
or it could be that thing
that's prevented by smokey the bar.
"
"organ donors?  i'm one.  i support 'em.
when i'm dead, take my eyes and transport 'em
to someone in need
but to this please pay heed:
i'll still use them myself antemortem.
"
"""in life, if you want to succeed,
amphetamines aren't what you need.""
try telling kids that
and they'll hand you your hat.
this country was built upon speed.
"
"""suicidal,"" the coroner guessed,
as the final report did attest.
it was shown the accel-
erator as well
as the driver'd been very depressed.
"
"an android, it's often been said
(a machine with four limbs and a head),
is designed to survive:
it's not truly ""alive,""
yet it's clearly a long way from dead.
"
"alarm is the fear that will fill you
when you think that a mugger might kill you.
or else, if you're rich,
it's a system for which
some security guys overbill you.
"
"it's true that we yanks can be clannish,
yet feelings like these we should banish.
to assimilate well,
each new guest we should tell:
""it's america.  learn to speak spanish!""
"
"acarology deals with some knowledge
you might not be inclined to acknowledge.
it's the study of ticks ?
great for picking up chicks!
(""you majored in what back in college?!"")
"
"the name acme is one of those brands
geared to shoppers' peculiar demands.
if you trust those cartoons
on tv afternoons,
they make anvils and huge rubber bands.
"
"with amorphism, here is the norm:
something's lacking in shape or in form,
or its shape may be changeable,
its form rearrangeable,
like clouds just before a big storm.
"
"in the past when we've fought, my adored
has remarked that i'm out of my gourd.
i just said, ""i am fonda
my '93 honda""?
surprise!  we are both in accord.
"
"marshall faulk has been stalked by an auk
in his bathroom.  it goes, ""bawk!  bawk!  ba-a-a-awk!!""
as it talked, marshall gawked,
and then right out he walked.
what he needs is some anti-auk caulk.
"
"i simply can't make it more plain:
the tracks are a railroad's domain.
when dealing with amtrak,
stay off of the damn track;
your beemer's no match for a train!
"
"aboveground's where i want to be,
to live like a free debauchee.
the alternative stinks,
since your chance for sex sinks
when you're buried, i'm sure you'll agree.
"
"in the andaman islands they say,
""get out!  just go home!  stay away!!""
their tribe is the purest
so if you're a tourist
look elsewhere for places to play.
"
"the anderson shelter was used
by a people acutely abused
by the horrors of war
and the german air corps.
but surrender?  the british refused!
"
"a review of the authorized version
of my bio contained this aspersion:
""if this guy's iranian,
then i'm transylvanian.
his name's undeniably persian!""
"
"it's not an old rug with a cat smell.
it's not a young man who can't bat well.
it's neither a peach
nor a walk on the beach.
an adipocyte's just a fat cell.
"
"my father shared this admonition:
""if being a stud's your ambition,
with women have fun,
but remember this, son?
you must always first get their permission.""
"
"""with our strong amen corner,"" said todd,
""the less pious may think that we're odd.
in our church, it's our crowd
whose amens are most loud.
we're proud to be yes-men for god!""
"
"you can put all your worries behind you
so that money woes never will bind you:
pick a bank vault to smash,
then abscond with the cash,
and then pray the police never find you.
"
"aplacophoran, bud, is a term
for a mollusk resembling a worm.
""since i don't have a shell,
'neath the waves i must dwell
as down into the seabed i squirm.""
"
"a man who'd become an adopter
mislaid the new baby. he popped her
in a box, where she fretted.
he later regretted
his original choice, so he swapped her.
"
"hey, angel of darkness!  you moan
that in hell you are sleeping alone?
take a tip from me, satan:
the ladies are hatin'
your fire & brimstone cologne!
"
"though they're only small birds, i'm impressed
with their parenting skills (who'd've guessed?).
the ani are begetting
a commune-like setting,
laying all of their eggs in one nest.
"
"if their business is taking a beating,
you'll find british investors competing
to curse and condemn
at their firm's agm
(meaning ""annual general meeting"").
"
"an abreption's a snatching away,
like a child who is grabbed while at play.
not much used on the street,
now the word's obsolete,
but the act is still with us today.
"
"you know that we've wanted to try it
for 38 years, don't deny it!
the gear is affordable;
we both are accordable.
before we're too old, let's go buy it!
"
"when it comes to my cash, i'm unswayable.
there's no dirty trick that's unplayable.
the money i'm due
i want right now from you,
but i'm slow to remit accounts payable.
"
"she says that she wants a divorce.
and her lovers?  she has no remorse.
last week, accident'ly,
i totalled her bentley.
(accidentally-on-purpose, of course!)
"
"mary anderson's not now alive,
but think of her next time you drive
when the weather's the worst,
because she made the first
windshield wipers in 1905.
"
"ademonists don't believe much
in devils and demons and such.
if you say you're the type
to buy satanist hype,
they may think that you're quite out of touch.
"
"an anaphrodisiac kills
any chances for sexual thrills,
like unhealthy cuisine
and, perhaps, nicotine,
or a lover's inadequate skills.
"
"you're offering coffee or tea?
what the heck, if it's hot and it's free.
sure, pour me a cup
as long as you're up,
but don't make a pot just for me.
"
"americans sure have the tendency,
one has to agree, for ascendancy.
put us down in the dirt,
our morale might be hurt?
two weeks later, we're back in resplendency!
"
"""my life in the navy's a bore.
while on ship, it's just chore after chore,""
i heard him complain,
""but then let me explain,
it's all worth it when i go ashore!""
"
"it's true you exude sexuality,
which brings up this simple reality:
your intellect's fine
and your soul seems divine
but what draws me to you?  animality!
"
"anestrus just means ""not in heat,""
that time when sex takes a back seat.
it applies to all mammals
like pandas and camels
and most of the women i meet.
"
"his political views are simplistic:
they're progressive and yet anarchistic.
he wants government gone
but no welfare withdrawn,
a view i'd call unrealistic.
"
"there once was a man from poughkeepsie
whose alcohol made him quite tipsy.
he dressed with more flair,
bought a big dancing bear,
then went out to find work as a gypsy.
"
"it's not a slick riverboat card shark.
it's not a tall tree with a hard bark.
it's an african mammal,
not warthog nor camel,
that beast that is known as the aardvark.
"
"from the philippines?  you're filipino.
from la?  well then, you're angeleno.
a place often claims
its own brood by these names.
born in reno?  you're ""some guy from reno.""
"
"your sense of decorum was dashed
when a moth crawled from out your mustache.
as you bowed to the queen,
your discomfort was keen.
what you felt at the time was abashed.
"
"an air medal (if anyone cares)
is awarded to our troops, not theirs,
when the president orders
they fly across borders
to ""medal"" in others' affairs.
"
"when my daughter attempts to prepare me
for dating again, she'll compare me
to old dogs and new tricks;
though great doom she predicts,
i'm adaptable.  change doesn't scare me.
"
"in a world that is jaded and bored,
we oedilfers are widely adored!
it's clear that our writing
is seen as exciting.
audaciousness can't be ignored!
"
"a seal makes a hole in the ice
and then pokes his head through once or twice.
the aglu is there
so the seal can get air.
but get me to attempt it?  no dice!
"
"while my workload is quite irrepressible,
some oedilfers feel i am addressable
as ""head of the horde,""
or as ""chief,"" or ""my lord,""
and to these folks, i'm always accessible.
"
"angelology?  that's where it's at!
i've got all of the angels down pat.
my six-year degree
got me this job, you see.
wouldja like to have french fries with that?
"
"an abandon rate gives you the measure
of telephone callers' displeasure.
you put them on hold
but then waiting gets old.
it's their time, not your muzak, they treasure.
"
"my father had many affairs
and through bastardy, numerous heirs.
but while some folks proclaim
each one carries great shame,
if there's guilt to be had, it's not theirs.
"
"in museums from spain to taiwan
or in gardens from paris to bonn,
acropodia serve
so that you may observe
classic art.  (they're what statues sit on.)
"
"i have an old bath mat, a blue one,
so threadbare it's barely a true one.
it won't soak up water;
replace it, i oughter,
but i'm too cheap to buy me a new one.
"
"in changing the country politically,
it's vital you think things through critically.
don't use polls for their ""feel"";
garner facts that are real,
and examine each one analytically.
"
"if you bring in the latest technology
so that folks can control their ecology,
like helping crops sprout
after battling drought,
that's the field of applied anthropology.
"
"""that all blacks are obtuse is well known.
to this dumbness, they're naturally prone.""
his antiblack spiel,
it was true, did reveal
there was ignorance rampant?his own!
"
"a baa is a sound from a sheep,
""bah, humbug!"" a cry from a creep.
the first one is shorn,
while the second's reborn
after meeting three ghosts in his sleep.
"
"while his movements were free and athletic,
his posture and form were pathetic.
he thought that he shone
like baryshnikov's clone,
but his dancing was far from balletic.
"
"you'd think i'd committed high treason!
i'm jailed for no adequate reason.
it's my right, i maintain,
to bag tourists from maine
since it is, after all, tourist season.
"
"""ooh, baby!"" i said to michelle,
""let me baby you here for a spell.
lie down and guess what?
i'll rub oil on your butt!
ooooh!  it's soft as a baby's as well!""
"
"agrostology, it's been suggested,
is mistakenly sometimes requested
in botany classes:
it's the study of grasses
(but not ones that get you arrested).
"
"ms abzug (whose first name was bella),
a new yorker you'd never call yella,
showed all women indeed
that each one could succeed
without first being born as a fella.
"
"when an actor is labeled as ""hot,""
he is working, more likely than not.
with skills uninspired,
he still will be hired.
bankability counts for a lot.
"
"your subconscious is downcast and dreary.
there's no reason for you to be cheery.
these feelings impact
on the way that you act,
or so says the adlerian theory.
"
"this foul-smelling gum sets one thinking
that live and dead tongues still are linking.
it's odd how we need a
word root like fetida.
that's feminine (latin) for ""stinking.""
"
"i am scrawny and gaunt, unathletic,
and my wardrobe is truly pathetic.
perhaps i should claim
my religion's to blame
and then take on the title ascetic.
"
"my brother is animalistic.
his lifestyle is quite hedonistic.
he constantly feeds
his desires and needs,
but get married?  we're not optimistic.
"
"a commercial for office supplies
features pens on a young woman's thighs.
is she naked?  well, nearly,
and the ad is quite clearly
androcentric. (it's geared to the guys.)
"
"aries, the sign of the ram!
that's good, you say?  that's what i am!
(you like pisces, instead?
hell, to get you to bed,
i would tell you i'm king of siam!)
"
"a woman i know was defaming
her husband by loudly exclaiming:
""to clean is a chore
and the damn bathroom floor
is a mess, chucklehead!  you're not aiming!""
"
"tooth enamel is known for endurance,
but if you want further assurance
that your smile will engage
as you enter old age,
then secure acci-dental insurance.
"
"goliath (the biblical giant)
on his size and great strength was reliant.
but david (the short)
hauled his ass into court
with king henry the eighth as affiant.
"
"adrenocorticotropic
is mainly a medical topic.
it's mostly related
to hormones created
at levels, at best, microscopic.
"
"to this project, i wholly commit.
five-line verses? i just cannot quit!
is my limerick addiction
a mental affliction?
it's eccentric, i freely admit.
"
"the soldier was homesick as hell
and fed up with the army as well.
""if i'm sent to iraq,
i might never come back.""
so he took off a dubya o l.
"
"this hot dog's all-beef, we avow,
which denotes that it comes from a cow.
but just where from the beast
comes your summertime feast?
if you knew, you'd stop eating them now.
"
"the stench was intense, overpowering!
this guy was in need of a scouring.
ablutophobia meant
this malodorous gent
had a senseless aversion to showering.
"
"it is clear that we cannot commune.
you're an oaf!  an insuff'rable goon!
you're obnoxious and crude
and repulsive and rude.
never call me again, you baboon!
"
"while i don't wish to raise a huge fuss,
how did she ever get an a+?
it's not fair!  i'm afraid
that she earned this top grade
doing things i choose not to discuss.
"
"the civil war battleground, strewn
with the dead from an unknown platoon?
and do people still say
the ground's hallowed today?
(a new wal-mart is going up soon.)
"
"your spiritual nature is higher
when you own only what you require.
your assets won't bless you.
possessions possess you!
don't acquire your every desire.
"
"not settling for simply harmonious,
i longed for a lovelife symphonious.
but our notes became sour,
more sharp by the hour,
and at last turned flat out acrimonious.
"
"anglo-normans took time to affix
their stamp on the british isles mix
in ways big and small
(in our speech most of all),
since their conquest in 1066.
"
"an adjusted book value records
all changes in worth.  it affords
an appraisal that's true
of your norwegian blue
that's been pining so much for the fjords.
"
"a babe magnet?  me?  i don't think so!
i'm poor and i'm rude and i drink so.
most women, i find,
fear i'm out of my mind.
(it might help if my clothes didn't stink so.)
"
"crowed the con man, ""i truly believe
that this patsy is mine to deceive!
i will sell him the goods;
he's a babe in the woods.
he's unworldly, obtuse, and naive!""
"
"date eudora yet sleep with diane?
when he's single, the average guy can.
if he's wise, then he manages
all the advantages
bachelordom offers a man.
"
"an agitator, history has seen,
is a match searching out gasoline.
he is either for war
and hostilities or
he is part of a washing machine.
"
"in the '60s, the students' proclivity
was for frenzied political activity
throughout colleges here,
but today schools appear
to be hotbeds of gross impassivity.
"
"this project is somewhat outrageous,
with limericks clearly contagious.
that's my steadfast belief
so, as poet-in-chief,
i am hoping this job's advantageous.
"
"the lord is my shepherd, you know.
in righteousness always i'll go.
i'm in the high clover,
my cup runneth over.
(my father upstairs says ""hello!"")
"
"who cares if it's quarter to three
in the morning.  ahypnia?  me?
sleepless nights now and then
are compulsory when
you become the oedilf eic.
"
"if you're angst-ridden, here are the facts:
every day you feel under the ax.
one cure that's superb?
herbal tea (or just herb!)
but the main thing?  you gotta relax!
"
"if you're bashful, you're shy and uptight,
the most reticent person in sight.
you're a guy folks make fun of,
or else you are one of
those undersized pals of snow white.
"
"if investing, you should know about
your abandonment option, no doubt.
if your plans go astray,
this allows you to say:
""i don't care what i signed?i want out!""
"
"watching tennis can keep a fan busy:
""that player's not serving well, is he?""
but i have to be cautious
or else i'll turn nauseous;
that back-and-forth play makes me dizzy!
"
"his case to appeals court, don brang
to present once again his harangue,
but the judge said he ought
to have used the word brought,
banged his gavel, and said don should hang.
"
"as a short form of cushlamochree,
acushla means ""darling,"" you see.
it's irish, to start,
meaning ""vein of my heart.""
odd, yet touching, i'm sure you'll agree.
"
"to make alkaline or cause transformation
from an acid to base concentration?
if your ph goes clean
up from 1 to 14,
that's the process called basification.
"
"for bolivia, colombia, peru,
the andean pact's quite a coup.
it's a free market plan
for those three countries and
venezuela and ecuador, too.
"
"the ""autumn of life,"" it's been said
means your ""golden years"" lie just ahead.
it's a picturesque way
to more pleasantly say
that it won't be too long till you're dead.
"
"from a town they call rimini, on
to bologna, then through to milan?
though it's still with us now,
years ago this road's how
ancient romans went hither and yon.
"
"an unfortunate man from ft. worth
of testicles suffers a dearth.
his anorchia means
that he's ""light"" in his jeans,
and has been that way ever since birth.
"
"""pro ballplayers,"" said my friend mike,
""have a job that i really would like:
play a game for a mere
seven million a year?
i'm appalled when these jerks go on strike!""
"
"although scrubbing my bathroom's a chore,
it's so clean you can eat off the floor.
i invited lucille
to a candlelit meal,
but the toilet was hard to ignore.
"
"you can't drink appalachian tea.
i've discovered it's some kind of tree
or deciduous shrub.
you're confused?  join the club!
why's it called by that name?  don't ask me!
"
"there's a saying some people will use
for an action i cannot excuse
in an automobile:
""he's asleep at the wheel.""
when you're driving, that's no time to snooze!
"
"army/air force post offices go
by this plain sobriquet: apo.
when you serve overseas,
you are glad to have these
where you're stationed; believe me, i know.
"
"anticyclone?  i think, ""what the hell...?
you're protesting the weather, michelle?
are you some kind of nut?
i back activists, but
why not march against icebergs as well?!""
"
"""an airburst,"" said francis scott key,
""is truly quite something to see!
(by the way, with my song?
you're all singing it wrong!
make the first three notes d, b, and g.)""
"
"i complained to my mom of an achiness
in my muscles and bones and a shakiness
of vision.  i said,
""i should go back to bed.""
""get to school,"" she replied, ""stop this fakiness!""
"
"we know aesop told tales, often funny,
that would educate, but, for my money,
in a race that is fair
'tween a tortoise and hare,
the best odds are still on the bunny.
"
"if the mumps have swept through your community,
you now face them with total impunity.
if you got them back then,
you won't get them again.
this is known as an active immunity.
"
"he said that the blonde he accosted
had moved him the way applesauce did.
i heard him proclaim:
""i have no one to blame.
when the fight was all over, i losted!""
"
"since 50, when middle age reared up
and grabbed me, i've seldom felt cheered up.
i've got pain in my knees
and i pee when i sneeze...
but on the plus side, my acne's all cleared up!
"
"a school bus disaster is horrible.
man's cruelty to man is deplorable.
but i guarantee
even grouches agree:
a basket of kittens? adorable!
"
"i'll confess to the crimes i commit.
i'll concede i'm a bit of a twit.
but no matter the cost,
if i'm driving and lost,
that is one thing i'll never admit.
"
"floridian weather's confounding.
each summer the coasts take a pounding.
it's true you won't freeze in
the hurricane season,
but the damage from storms is astounding.
"
"to that woman named ""right,"" i say ""ms,
it is true i've lost some of my fizz.
my pace is now slower,
my sex drive is lower.
if you love me, you'll take me as is.""
"
"distraction? i will not succumb to it.
derision?  i'll make myself numb to it.
some want, as our mission,
a shorter edition?
i'll cross that abridged when i come to it!
"
"some alfalfa's exactly the thing
that your cattle are hoping you'll bring.
it could also convey
(with a capital ""a"")
that ""our gang"" kid who thought he could sing.
"
"an airburst, i'm sure you'll agree,
in the sky over land or the sea,
is truly sensational
and quite inspirational
if by chance you're named francis scott key.
"
"an abbot's a god-fearing fellow
never caught in a local bordello.
he recites with great feeling
devotions while kneeling,
and not ""who's on first?"" with costello.
"
"for abandon, this meaning i'll tender:
it's done to a non-blending blender.
or when coupled with wild,
you're an unrestrained child
as inhibitions you fully surrender.
"
"through experience, i can attest
that it's not what the phrase might suggest.
there is no satisfaction,
no second base action,
when you're out somewhere ""walking abreast.""
"
"a container where air cannot break in
is airtight, if i'm not mistaken.
the word's also used
when of crime you're accused
but your alibi cannot be shaken.
"
"that acrid means ""sharp"" is well known;
also ""caustic in language or tone.""
if this is your great
personality trait,
chances are folks will leave you alone.
"
"the key to on-line merchandising,
the ""pop-up,"" has most folks despising
its steady profusion
(this loathsome intrusion!)
as state-of-the-art advertising.
"
"from here to the french riviera,
we need to begin a new era!
i propose we abolish
all forms of nail polish
and lipstick and rouge and mascara!
"
"a celebrity's alcoholicity
may earn him unpleasant publicity,
as the tabloids report
his career's been cut short
by huge levels approaching toxicity.
"
"how's this for the height of pathetic:
a monk who's so anti-athletic
and lazy, the jerk
will not do a day's work
yet he claims that, in fact, he's ascetic!
"
"if your child's favorite doll's anatomically
correct, and you treat the thing comically,
and you rub 'tween its thighs,
do you know what will rise?
her psychiatrist bills, astronomically!
"
"the apostlebird's feathers are grey,
and its name was conceived to convey
the impression it hangs
in the smallest of gangs,
or at least that's what birdwatchers say.
"
"the physical therapist shared
awful news: though my femur was spared,
this abasia will queer
my pro football career
since my walking is greatly impaired.
"
"algophobia, let me explain,
is an abnormal fearing of pain,
like when scared candy-asses
are fitted for glasses
insisting they need novocaine.
"
"a flamewar's an awful combuster.
be sure all your posts can pass muster,
since stark animosity
breeds reciprocity.
what goes around, comes around, buster!
"
"almost everyone's had, on occasion,
a ""rug burn"" we call an abrasion,
regardless of race,
age, gender, birthplace,
religion, or sexual persuasion.
"
"around-the-clock care means big bucks
for a place that's not even deluxe.
when you're older, it's true,
there's not much you can do.
it's too bad that our health system sucks.
"
"if a property boundary you share,
you've an accolent (noun, somewhat rare).
let's try to begin
to promote it as in
""like an accolent, state farm is there.""
"
"an adhocracy governs this city.
the results, i attest, are not pretty.
our standing will worsen
until there's one person
in charge?not this ""rule by committee.""
"
"aporia deals with confusion
in reaching a truthful conclusion.
what is truth?  what is not?
is it substance we've got?
or is it just passing illusion?
"
"her baby-dolls (lacy, size 4)
weigh together six ounces, no more.
when not sleeping alone,
tops and bottoms are prone
to spend most of the night on the floor.
"
"a bantamweight, so say my sources,
a weight class of boxing of course is.
it's clear you're not stocky.
you could be a jockey
if not for your deep fear of horses.
"
"i don't mean to put down your intrigue
but it seems that you're out of your league.
you've been fighting for years
and it clearly appears
that you're suffering from battle fatigue.
"
"you plan to attack hoover dam
and say right through the entrance you'll slam.
it's your truck, you decide,
that will get you inside.
it's both weapon and battering ram.
"
"while our baggage is stuff that we carry,
it can also refer to what's scary
and raw from our past,
our bad mem'ries amassed,
which is why i'm reluctant to marry.
"
"i beg you, don't leave me, miguel!
you have nothing to fear from michelle.
i need you to see
she was nothing to me
but a trifle, a mere bagatelle!
"
"when she smiles and she gives you a wink
and then coyly asks, ""buy me a drink?""
don't forget where you are;
b-girls work for the bar.
from her grasp you'd be prudent to shrink.
"
"it's true that i dropped our stuffed haddock
and broke it, but why be dramatic?
i've got a replacement
downstairs in the basement
plus 23 more in the attic.
"
"they said i was not all that smart.
living downstream was dumb, for a start.
but what washed down today?
more gold nuggets!  i say:
""oh, alluvia with all of my heart!""
"
"after dining on calf that was fatted,
your son, with my daughter, tomcatted.
you once asked me, ""fred,
what would make you see red?""
well, i have to admit, maybe that'd.
"
"a government witness, dan chung,
'gainst a mafia leader had sung.
though the don went to jail,
there is more to this tale:
dan's aglossate now?lacking a tongue.
"
"our limericks are great, you'll agree,
and the figure three thousand and three
we'll soon be surpassing.
the work we're amassing
is truly quite something to see!
"
"i was begging my lead-footed niece,
""this ridiculous speeding must cease!
as your passenger, i'm
not that worried 'bout time.
please just get me there all in one piece!""
"
"to my son, half asleep on the floor:
""all day long it's been chore after chore.
i have cooked.  i have cleaned.
i have worked like a fiend.
would it kill you to answer the door?!""
"
"""pay a quarter for parking?  oh, bite me!""
saving money this way does delight me.
along similar lines,
i detest paying fines
for the tickets they constantly write me!
"
"i was asking my daughter today
'bout this guy she'd been dating, jos?.
""you loved this guy once.
haven't seen him for months.""
""ancient history"" is all she would say.
"
"the stranger's first words:  ""what's your name?
i'm denise.  i like sex.  are you game?
are you up for a night
of outrageous delight?""
i said, ""no,"" and then, ""thanks all the same.""
"
"there is one thing in which i take pride:
my vasectomy shows i provide
reproductive control
as a personal goal.
i'm in earnest?all kidding aside!
"
"i heard you've been sleeping around,
and new uses for birdseed, you've found.
i was told by my barber,
the ""mouth of ann arbor.""
this gossip is all over town!
"
"the abrasives i bought at the store
scrubbed the splotches right off of the floor.
i sanded the table,
and painted it sable,
to fit with my furry decor.
"
"my sincere agastopia rose
at the sight of your exquisite nose,
but this specialized liking
finds other parts striking.
with lee, i'm in love with her toes.
"
"abe lincoln bugs, i have heard tell,
have a taste just as bad as their smell.
so's you won't be confused,
i have heard this term used
where the harlequin cabbage bugs dwell.
"
"what's the first thing to do?  let debris settle.
then scoop up the gold; it's your key metal.
quickly lock the front door
of your swank jewelry store
where you slipped and fell ass-over-teakettle.
"
"at the wake of my great-uncle glen,
i'm surrounded by grim, somber men.
made from different stuff, kiddo,
i hit on the widow;
i'm acting the fool once again!
"
"on the farm, there were numerous folk
who confused me whenever they spoke.
one fellow said he
owned a big ""acorn tree"".
i was later to learn he meant ""oak"".
"
"i know less about aardwolves than much,
since i've not had a glimpse or a touch,
but i know they adore a
quick bite, not of flora,
but larvae and termites and such.
"
"it's midnight and no moon is shining.
my lover and i are reclining
in bed.  she says, ""mark,
i'm afraid of the dark!""
""buy a night-light,""  i say, ""stop your whining!""
"
"seven diners went into a faint
and a cop wants to file a complaint.
says the bossman, big lou:
""86 the beef stew!
its aroma is too much like paint.""
"
"it certainly isn't a crime
for a dj to buy up some time
on the radio, see?
then the blocktimer's free
to do just what he wants; it's his dime.
"
"when we're mushin' from anchorage to nome,
i won't stand for no slackin', jerome!
for this dogsled event,
gimme hunnert percent:
bring your a-game or stay the hell home!
"
"accessit defies the convention
that first place rates all the attention.
in some people's eyes
when you win second prize,
that's still worthy of ""honorable mention.""
"
"from arterial plaque, alan swoons
almost daily.  his health is in ruins.
there's angioplasty,
but he finds it quite nasty?
he's afraid of those tiny balloons.
"
"alleviate means to make bearable,
like drugs that make pain not so terrible.
but if friends should stop by
and request to get high,
keep in mind your prescription's not sharable.
"
"the sex, without doubt, was sensational
in ways that were quite educational.
but our friends weren't aware
of our sordid affair.
it was secretive, dark, assignational.
"
"it's a commonly held misconception.
it's the rule, though, and not the exception:
your acuity's not
just the brains that you've got,
it's acuteness of sight or perception.
"
"i'd say aqua's an odd sort of hue.
and variants?  more than a few.
it's all colors between
a light bluish green
right on up to a light greenish blue.
"
"there's a type of a drug whose renown
is extensive, the talk of the town.
an acipimox is,
in the medical biz,
there to keep your cholesterol down.
"
"i'm not ""with it"" these days.  i'm confused
about things by which april's enthused.
my daughter likes jeans
acid-washed, but this means
when you buy them brand new, they look used!
"
"it's only an adhesiotomy,
no more painful a job than it's gotta be.
just dividing some tissues
with stickiness issues:
we're not talking pre-frontal lobotomy!
"
"i lent you my car, you're aware,
on condition you'd give it great care.
i must air out my ford
'cause it reeks now!  good lord,
were you smoking your gym socks in there?!
"
"though challenges loom up horrendously,
each one of you meets them stupendously.
we may not be done
till the year '31
but, ahead of time, thank you tremendously!
"
"ahead of our schedule?  could be!
(...by the time that we open up ""z."")
there's a chance, i contend,
that the alphabet's end
will be reached late in spring '23.
"
"the reporter alerted his boss
to the perils of alien moss.
""it's intelligent, clyde!""
but the editor sighed,
""just go home, joe, and lay off the sauce.""
"
"""ronald reagan,"" say those in the know,
""was ahead of his time.""  yes...  although,
please don't think me unkind
but you must keep in mind
that ""his time"" was six decades ago.
"
"do something acrook and you've got
an adverb suggesting a plot.
but insert a small space
and a noun takes its place.
it's what nixon declared he was not.
"
"an aplotomy:  try to envision
a surgery needing precision
and with jeopardy fraught...
ok, throw out that thought!
it's only a simple incision.
"
"be at ease.  there's no need to pretend
we don't know that my time's at its end.
just abide with me here,
now that angels are near,
and god bless you for being my friend.
"
"cinderella had gone to the ball
though at midnight, i'm sure you recall,
the spell was complete,
but because of her feet
she wound up with the prince after all.
"
"ballistophobic?  i am, quite a lot.
unafraid of all guns?  i am not.
like most other folks, i
am reluctant to die,
but i really don't want to get shot!
"
"you say that she's horribly fat?
with a face that resembles a rat?
and her manners are cruddy?
i'm warning you, buddy,
don't bad-mouth my mother like that!
"
"she was not someone folks put on airs for.
she's more someone people said prayers for.
but what can you say
for this woman today?
she's a dollar that nobody cares for.
"
"as an aerosmith fan, i have fun
listing all the best work they have done:
there's the song ""walk this way""
(number two, i would say)
and liv tyler, of course, number one!
"
"when they threw me in prison last friday,
i remarked, ""boy, this sure isn't my day!""
i'm in mexico where
i will have to take care
not to piss off the the boss: the alcayde.
"
"an amuse-bouche is something to eat
like a finger food, tasty and neat.
if you are the clown
who will chow these things down
by the fistful, please do be discreet.
"
"the as was a coin that was roman,
the kind seldom found in wyomin'.
made of copper and such,
thirty-thou bought not much
of a dwelling you might feel at home in.
"
"when she first heard the tale (she was young)
of how princes from prison are sprung
by amphibian kissing,
the point she was missing?
they're frogs, so don't slip 'em the tongue!
"
"while i'm normally shy and retiring,
i could not keep myself from admiring
her form-fitting skirt,
cut so short that it hurt.
pretty soon i was dazed and perspiring!
"
"my in-laws: relations of mine
that result when two families combine.
as opposed to my mother,
my sisters, and brother,
each in-law is called an affine.
"
"the economy's slowed to a crawl
in uganda and primed for a fall.
major fraud has been blamed.
air supply, it's been named:
making cash out of nothing at all.
"
"your nude modeling gig?  it's suspended.
your acromphalus?  not recommended!
if there's one thing not seen
in a skin magazine,
it's a navel that's grossly distended.
"
"avoidable things, like the flu,
you can shun and not have to go through.
in an alternate way,
as a phrase, you could say
it's what bullfighters all try to do.
"
"an air door's a blast, cold as ice,
in a freezer or suchlike device,
like a frozen food bin.
it's to keep the cold in
where a wooden door wouldn't suffice.
"
"with anarthria, prospects are bleak.
you're paddleless well up the creek.
when lesions occur
in your cns you're
outta luck?you no longer can speak.
"
"anchor products are what people cry for:
the names that most folks have an eye for.
if it's not too much hassle,
let's go to white castle.
""belly bombers""?  they're simply to die for!
"
"a bat gives me reason to grouse,
for die fledermaus rings through my house;
thus i find i am host
to the musical ghost
of the king of the waltz?johann strauss.
"
"it's a term that is somewhat arcane:
""we were banged,"" but now let me explain.
what you're thinking's off base.
this is merely a case
of a game being called due to rain.
"
"he informed me before we'd begun:
""anesthesia?  i'm sorry, there's none.
but that fish hook, no doubt?
one good pull and it's out.
bite the bullet, it's got to be done!""
"
"some people can't handle their liquor?
two drinks and they're ready to bicker.
""your wife, i avow,
is an insufferable cow!""
""that's it.  no more wine for you, vicar.""
"
"a 3-pointer's a shot from wa-a-a-ay back
that can spark an offensive attack
on a basketball court,
or, if hunting's your sport,
it's a buck with a very small rack.
"
"while in london to visit the queen,
we witnessed an uplifting scene.
we got close as we could
and then everyone stood
as the band played god save the baked bean.
"
"the term ancient forest, i'm told,
denotes trees some 200 years old.
they've got canopies dense,
varied wildlife, and hence
they're a beautiful sight to behold.
"
"in the canopy, high as you please,
you may sample a soft jungle breeze.
this habitat features
arboricole creatures:
they're animals living in trees.
"
"the name blondie?  you've got to be wary
since two meanings that title can carry:
it's the comic strip life
of d. bumstead and wife,
or a pop group that stars deborah harry.
"
"""you've a past?  i don't care where you've been,""
i declared to my new lover jen.
she seemed perfect for me
til i found she had three
ankle-biters with two other men.
"
"action-packed is a term that embraces,
in films, lots of guns and wild chases,
and it's why guys respond
to the acts of james bond
but then not so much mother teresa's.
"
"cleopatra let out a short gasp
as her life slipped away from her grasp.
her demise is well known,
and the choice was her own:
at the hands (i.e., fangs) of an asp.
"
"a blue-sky report?  here's the thing:
it's a hope to which optimists cling.
even they will allow
it's not possible now.
still...  who knows what tomorrow will bring?
"
"so you tried to get drunk but you failed?
just relax.  booze can now be inhaled.
there's an alcohol spray
like a gas, but i say
its inventor deserves to be jailed.
"
"""i confess i'm a radio dweeb,
which is why it's an honor, sahib,
just to work at,"" said he,
""the esteemed bbc,
or as locals all say, 'at the beeb'.""
"
"my bathrobe came open an inch,
causing onlookers present to flinch.
one asked if i'd tighten
my belt just a mite an'
i answered back, ""sure, that's a cinch!""
"
"the second-place runner was screwed.  he
won a ribbon, that's all.  he was moody.
he would not stand beneath
any anadem (wreath),
also known as a garland (not judy).
"
"an adult is a grown-up; however,
you can be just as childish as ever.
like the world's biggest dunce,
while you're only young once,
immaturity can stretch out forever.
"
"displaying your body bare-breasted
in public may get you arrested
where topless appearance
requires a clearance:
the curse of the mammary-chested.
"
"i suggest you go shopping at tom's
bargain-basement torpedos & bombs?
lowest prices in town
and to get the price down
you might say you're a friend of saddam's.
"
"when in england, to bring about snickers,
mention women and then alan whickers
or just alans, for short.
i am here to report
they mean underwear, panties, or knickers.
"
"john adams, says all the research,
is a president few would besmirch.
but the addams you see
with that spare letter ""d""
means that bunch with the butler named lurch.
"
"when out dining, the style i endorse
is to buy separate food for each course.
this is called a la carte,
and it's not, for a start,
what you shouldn't position pre-horse.
"
"as an island, is guam itty-bitty?
i'd say yes, and its capital city
is agana.  in war,
it was almost no more,
which of course would have been a great pity.
"
"if acapnia hits, best get cracking,
since carbon dioxide you're lacking
in your blood and your tissues.
it's one of those issues?
not fatal, but surely nerve-wracking.
"
"this babymoon concept is great!
as a family, we get to relate.
just my lover and me
and the newborn makes three,
and the rest of the world can just wait.
"
"the neophyte bank-robbing crew
hit the scene with their masks all askew.
one guy puked on the floor.
there were errors galore.
it was amateur night through and through.
"
"as a soldier, whenever i choose
what to wear, i prefer my dress blues.
one: they make me look hot.
two: the guys who get shot
are all wearing those drab bdus.
"
"the abate fetel is a pear,
soft and sweet with nutrition to spare.
it's of old french descent
to the likely extent
that it first came from monks over there.
"
"a vinculo:  here is a twist?
divorce for the righteously pissed.
you can say, ""take a hike!
wed whomever you like!""
(but your lover won't be on that list.)
"
"we've an amitate, becky and me.
she's my niece; i'm her aunt.  we agree
while her father (my brother)
can't act as her mother,
it's a role that suits me to a t.
"
"with his alieniloquy, fred
sought to sidetrack the stranger.  he said,
""like a mint?  what's your sign?
what's the cube root of nine?""
(the man's wife had been caught in fred's bed.)
"
"the oedilf is a rousing success,
and it does my heart good, i confess.
it's a joy through and through,
and a gladsomeness, too.
all in all, it's a great allegresse.
"
"my job is, at best, administrative.
i issue decrees authoritative.
but by running this site
fewer limericks i write.
my position's quite anti-creative.
"
"an a-frame, it's easy to say,
is a house in the shape of an a.
a couple of them
might be known as an m-
frame.  now, that you don't see every day!
"
"he is partially deaf, it appears,
and too lame to chase rabbits he hears.
sense of sight?  sense of smell?
they're not working too well.
rocky's getting along now in years.
"
"if for all of the marbles you're playing,
that's a picturesque manner of saying
that the stakes are quite high,
win or lose, which is why
if you're bluffing, you'd better be praying.
"
"that '63 chevy corvair
was one beat-up jalopy, i swear!
bumps and dents were routine
yet that car was the scene
of my very first back seat affair.
"
"all the bedsheets would blow in the breeze
on our clothesline attached to two trees.
huge white sails, they would fly
'gainst the blue of the sky
in the summer.  (come winter, they'd freeze.)
"
"for a joke that is sure to offend her,
i offer this childish contender:
""what is green and goes 'whirrr'
at a hundred miles per?""
and the answer?  ""a frog in a blender!""
"
"""the man,"" she declared, ""that i seek
will make upwards of two grand a week,
have conservative views,
and will look like tom cruise.""
(i would say that my prospects are bleak.)
"
"all the best-dressed jet-setters were there
at the elegant black-tie affair.
but then i arrived too,
in a flashy debut,
since with nothing to wear, i came bare.
"
"in the bedroom, a study contends,
one whole third of his life a man spends.
since it's not just for nappin',
more accidents happen
right there than in kitchens or dens.
"
"an arabian had the idea
that in dallas, if he were to be a
true texan he'd need
an agal, big indeed,
that would fit his ten-gallon kaffiyeh.
"
"your man's conduct needs modification?
b. f. skinner can ease your frustration.
when he's good: ""here's a cookie.""
if not: ""no more nookie.""
behaviorism: that's your salvation!
"
"""your honor, sir, is it permissible
to reveal i'm remarkably kissable?""
""young man, in this case
what you do with your face,
as evidence, is not that admissible.""
"
"to her innocent, newly born deer,
mom urged caution when hunters were near.
bambi romped with his gang,
but then suddenly?bang!!
(oh, well.  mother's day's cancelled this year.)
"
"anomalistic? this month's just a phrase
that describes the moon passing each phase
as it orbits our sphere
and it lasts (it says here)
27.554 days.
"
"when i acerbate people, i vex
them a lot?i'm a pain in their necks.
what guys need to learn
is where gals are concerned,
it is not a preamble to sex.
"
"you say that you actively seek
a cure for your s-shaped physique.
you bewail that you lost yer
best gal to poor posture?
try the famed alexander technique!
"
"let's look at this fight realistically.
i firmly believe, optimistically,
that love's the solution
(there's no substitution),
so why act so antagonistically?
"
"having aconuresis, nicole,
means i don't feel at ease on a stroll.
i really would like
to go out on a hike
but i'm cursed with poor bladder control.
"
"in south-of-the-border cuisine,
chili peppers are often routine.
the ancho, it's said,
in the autumn turns red,
but beforehand is hot, sweet, and green.
"
"i'm pedantic and i'd recommend some
awareness of rules as we bend 'em.
many people will say
one agenda, but they
should be saying, in fact, one agendum.
"
"my dad is an interesting case:
he can not tell his foot from his face.
now mom is distraught.  ""oh,
he suffers from auto-
topagnosia!  what a disgrace!""
"
"an absolute auction is nice.
why's that?  there's no minimum price!
you can get god knows what
inexpensively, but
don't go overboard!  that's my advice.
"
"to lou-ann, i was slyly remarking,
""the two of us ought to go parking.""
she replied, ""my friend gwen
and i never date men.""
up the wrong tree, once more, i was barking.
"
"the aliens came with a plan
and a book that was called to serve man.
lloyd bochner, deceived,
some bad news then received:
""it's a cookbook!""  (next stop: a big pan.)
"
"the word acarophobia's a term
for an angst that can make people squirm.
it has meaning that's clear:
an irrational fear
of the tiniest mite, tick, or worm.
"
"the sarge screamed ""at ease!"" in my ear.
""you can do as you like.  is that clear?!""
while i'm not at attention,
i wish i could mention
i'm never at ease when he's near.
"
"my alleys were grabbed by my pastor.
they were glass so it weren't no disaster.
but father o'malley
took my last allie-allie!
that's a marble of real alabaster.
"
"physics groupies are all the time talking
of seducing that stud stephen hawking.
their constant discussions
promote repercussions:
they're often arrested for stalking.
"
"abdominal fistulas suck!
all my guts are accessible.  yuck!
i've a hole 'neath my chest.
reach right in, be my guest!
go shake hands with last evening's roast duck!
"
"my abdominohyster-damn-ectomy
was worse than my double mastectomy,
but my husband, i find,
is scared out of his mind
now he's facing a mere tonsillectomy.
"
"frankie avalon starred, don't forget,
in those ""beach movies.""  still, i would bet,
with his boy-next-door style
and his teen-heartthrob smile,
that he never scored once with annette.
"
"playing bingo with grandma's a chore.
though i love her, my god, she's a bore!
her whole life is this game
and each speech is the same:
""life was bigger and better b4.""
"
"he went to the lighthouse to sneak in.
his plan, in a manner of speakin',
was to steal the huge light.
he explained, ""that's my right.
it's a man's job to bring home the beacon.""
"
"i do not put on airs as a rule.
never went to no finishin' school.
so billiards, i'd say,
is what rich bastards play,
but poor low-lifes like us?  we shoot pool.
"
"it was clear that my life needed centering.
i needed strict discipline, mentoring.
but with no help for me,
the result: b &amp; e,
or in other words, breaking and entering.
"
"my wife, an audacious good-looker,
apprenticed herself to a hooker.
with the tricks of the trade,
lord, the money she made!
as a cop, though, my job was to book her.
"
"you've got absolute alcohol? whoa!
that's a booze so damn pure it has no
more than one percent, tops
(just a couple of drops!),
of depressingly pure h2o.
"
"so i begged for the judge to be gentle,
and he was, against type, non-judgmental.
her perks, i had pleaded,
were desperately needed:
her health plan now covered my dental.
"
"last summer, my wife was arrested.
with an interest decidely vested,
at her trial i got chills
from her sexual skills
to which 200 clients attested.
"
"i'm an actor!  no job could be greater!
and fame will come, sooner or later.
i would die for my art!
and my most recent part?
i'm appearing in schraft's (as a waiter).
"
"any drink made from beans seems unreal to me.
all these starbucks cafes?  no big deal to me.
it's a fact, i don't doubt it,
some can't live without it,
but coffee just doesn't appeal to me.
"
"ammotherapy's not what you think.
if you feel below par, out of synch,
this is medically planned
applications of sand,
and not bullets in need of a shrink.
"
"king arthur, the legends agree,
was as wise as a king ought to be,
whether leading his men
into war, now and then,
or when dealing with knights who said ""ni!""
"
"in the '70s, i can recall
how america started out small.
then ""a horse with no name""
shot this pop group to fame,
though the lyrics made no sense at all.
"
"""the apple of peru?  well, you can't
really eat it, to start,"" said my aunt.
""far less tasty than grits,""
she explained to me, ""it's
an ornamental peruvian plant.""
"
"""her battiness!""  danny said, ""that's
the sole source of our numerous spats.
i don't mean to say jane
is unhinged or insane.
it's her house?it's infested with bats!
"
"way back, when the wordsmiths were coining
new words, someone said that adjoining
meant ""adjacent"", a coup
for the folks at bronx u.,
a college well known for great loining.
"
"the director, uncharacteristically,
presents history unrealistically.
columbus is shown
with a cellular phone,
thus portraying him anachronistically.
"
"the depth of a man's animosity
can extend all the way to ferocity.
compared to the love
that he's capable of,
his ill will is, in short, an atrocity.
"
"i'm an actress, one hundred percent,
but will model if that's your intent.
amw, honey,
is how i make money
(though ""whatever"" is paying the rent).
"
"i arrived from lamar, oklahoma,
with a small basal cell carcinoma.
i remarked, with a sigh,
""well, at least i'll get high,""
but the doctor said, ""no, that's glaucoma.""
"
"while a rose is a rose is a rose,
the word bloggers?  they'll daily compose
something vital to say
in their web logs each day.
(it just looks like that stuff from your nose.)
"
"she's involved in diverse esoterica,
so i asked her, ""what group is this, erica,
this bhca
you're attending today?""
""it's the basset hound club of america.""
"
"just before the last stock market crash,
my best buddy talked nothin' but trash
'bout the money he'd make,
but turns out he's a fake.
one more case of all flash and no cash.
"
"paul and john, george and ringo, i'd say
are the beatles remembered today,
but i'd also suggest
jimmy nicol, pete best,
billy preston, and murray the k.
"
"yes, i'm hairless.  it's hard to ignore,
and i'm finding it harder to score.
still my goal is to land
some sweet innocent and
to go baldly where none's gone before.
"
"that pandering statesman's the bearer
of news: soon the laws will be fairer
to assist the promoters
of minority voters.
(the blackface was prob'ly an error.)
"
"both my parents were born (this is key)
by the banks of the river yangtze,
but the city of perth
was the place of my birth,
which is why they call me ""abc.""
"
"on state capital knowledge, i'm murky,
a failing that makes me feel jerky.
for new mexico, say,
i was told ""santa fe,""
and not, as i'd thought, albuquerque.
"
"i affirm that the term anacrusis
is poetic.  i know what its use is:
it's a beat that's unstressed
which precedes all the rest
of the verse that this beat introduces.
"
"some think it reflects education
to sprinkle throughout conversation
every french word they know
(like adieu and chevaux),
thus adopting a quaint affectation.
"
"anonymity some people claim
to avoid all the pitfalls of fame,
like that guy down the street
whom you never quite meet.
oh, you know who i mean ? what'sizname!
"
"in regard to one's diet, nutritionally,
there are five basic food groups, traditionally.
but for me there are fritos
and sugar and cheetos
and doughnuts and chocolate, additionally.
"
"on the radio, amos &amp; andy
were played by two guys who were handy,
but it didn't seem right;
they were totally white.
that was modus (back then) operandi.
"
"you declare that it isn't your aim
to reside with a loser so lame,
and you say i must split?
still you have to admit
your acnestis is calling my name!
"
"with his force a cheval, colonel green
ordered rest for his fighting machine.
it was risky, a bit,
since his army was split
by a river that ran in between.
"
"as a ploy, backdoor drafts have succeeded
where elsewise our troop strength's depleted.
soldiers finish a tour,
think their lives are secure,
but the army says, ""no, you're still needed.""
"
"i'm the star but they can't guarantee me
proper lighting so folks can id me.
they claim that a baby spot
might work.  i say ""maybe not?
it's vital that everyone see me!""
"
"if adventure to you often calls,
then you might want to see angel falls.
for the ultimate peril,
shoot these in a barrel!
to do so, you'd have to have nerve.
"
"i swear there is nothing that's scarier
than a man for whom cost is no barrier.
i read of some chump
who is richer than trump
and who's buying his own aircraft carrier.
"
"whenever some country obtains
aircraft carriers, leaders take pains
to declare, while expensive,
they're purely defensive,
these huge floating runways for planes.
"
"like a math teacher understands euclid,
rick knew ilsa as only a few did.
""this damn triangle's wrong,""
argued bogey, ""so long!""
but then added, ""here's lookin' at you, kid.""
"
"while the rhyme may not jibe with the facts,
lizzie borden is famed for her ax.
people still talk about
how miss lizzie dealt out
to her parents some 81 whacks.
"
"with annular, well, here's the thing:
from this word, great confusion can spring.
to your eye and your ear
it may seem like ""a year,""
but it's not.  it means ""shaped like a ring.""
"
"for a helmet, which one should you choose?
well, the bascinet gets great reviews.
it is second to none.
(if your baby's in one,
best watch out for those ""terrible twos."")
"
"back when romans were going full throttle,
they favored a two-handled bottle.
""what will fit,"" did you say,
""in ampullae today?""
my guess is that not a whole lot'll.
"
"the adnorm's adherents are preaching
that these figures are crucial in teaching
periodical leadership
to gauge how much readership
their magazine print ads are reaching.
"
"a play of mine, living on crackers,
has failed to attract any backers.
each actor is hopin'
that soon we will open,
but none of us has any ackers.
"
"king admetus did not have to die.
if he only could somehow supply
a brave volunteer
to lie down in his bier,
he could sidestep that final good-bye.
"
"with the air force my chosen vocation,
and an air base my new destination,
i was quite unaware
how i'd work way up there
without first having learned levitation.
"
"who's shy as a timid white rabbit is?
my neighbor, behind that strong abatis.
i charge right on through it.
he wants me to do it.
to visit each day, a good habit is.
"
"buster's clout as a famed antitruster
at the grange is now deader than custer.
he was caught with a hooker
(a sultry good-looker),
some yams, and a huge feather duster.
"
"so i sez to this guy, this abscotchalater,
""the police will inform you, 'we gotcha!' later.
ducking cops is your game
but a show by that name
is exactly where i'm gonna watch ya later!""
"
"when a guy makes a pass prematurely,
it's a lock he'll be striking out early:
""your looks are incredible!
so, gail, are you beddable?
who's this?  ...oh!  your life partner shirley!!""
"
"in the '60s, don adams had fun.
he was 86, carried a gun,
had a phone in his shoe;
yet today it is true:
wouldja believe it?  he's just 81!
"
"at the animal shelter we found
the most loyal and lovable hound.
now we proudly proclaim
that shelter's his name
on account of he makes our hearts ""pound.""
"
"while the aster, a ""star"" among flora,
is known for its lighthearted aura,
it won't do cute tricks
in those black-and-white flicks
chasing bad guys with nick and with nora.
"
"my ""alternative dentistry"" gripe?
there's no substance?just mystical hype:
strange aromas to smell
and hypnosis as well.
think i'll stick to the old-fashioned type.
"
"""you've got way too much crap in this kitchen!
like this bacon press?i say we pitch in
together and throw
out whatever can go.""
""but it helps bacon cook.  quit yer bitchin'!""
"
"alcibiades fought through the gore
of the peloponnesian war,
and, worst of all crimes,
he changed sides three full times
(thrice too many, for those keeping score).
"
"my arrangements are daring, it's true,
but my vision you shan't misconstrue!
it's an unfounded myth
that my beethoven's fifth
is for banjo and flute and kazoo!
"
"the king and his queen faced some tension
when the jester asked, flouting convention,
""do your majesties swing?
are you up for a fling?""
(one vote yea, one vote nay, one abstention.)
"
"it was lady godiva, none other
than my great-great-great-great-great-grandmother,
my ancestress, who
loved the peasants she knew.
but the way she rode bareback?  oh, brother!
"
"i am sorry to tell you, alas:
your jihad?  it will not come to pass.
you say you're sincere?
it's a battlefield here?
have it your way?i'll kick your damn ass!
"
"you're a plant, whether healthy or sickly:
someone grabs you and backs away quickly,
crying out, ""goodness, gracious!
this plant's acanaceous!""
or in other words, ""boy, are you prickly!""
"
"they married, then soon hit the skids
after doing what good sense forbids.
though too young to have guessed it,
its name should suggest it:
adultery isn't for kids.
"
"from lager i tried to protect her,
but the bar finally had to eject her.
the beer led to fights
and then out went the lights!
she's a gal who can't drink amber nectar.
"
"anti-english is dumb by design.
i believe that the english are fine.
the beatles were great.
winston churchill?  first rate!
and r.e. is a good friend of mine.
"
"what's a backhanded compliment, matt?
that's a cinch.  it's a sentiment that
is a personal strike
wrapped in flattery, like:
""you don't sweat much for someone who's fat!""
"
"a pun-loving woman, olivia
enjoys south american trivia.
i told her la paz
was more dazzling than oz.
she said, ""sorry, i just don't bolivia.""
"
"in business, i'm not just some punk.
do not think i'm as dumb as you thunk.
i'll give you a tip:
my main bargaining chip?
your grandma's tied up in my trunk!
"
"it was prudishness both of them loathed,
so when mimi and mike were betrothed,
the announcements went out
with the following shout:
""please come to our wedding?unclothed!""
"
"acraein, you'll find on perusal,
is what butterflies use to bamboozle
their foes, but compare
with accismus.  that's where,
in your rhetoric?  a phony refusal.
"
"i hate to go bursting your bubble,
but light up in public?  that's trouble!
antismoking laws mean
they can ban nicotine,
and for doobies, of course, that goes double.
"
"said ram?n, a plantation official,
""air-curing is so beneficial
to tobacco!  repeat:
never use any heat
on your leaves from a source artificial!""
"
"in to have and have not, her debut,
lauren dazzled the cast and the crew.
by key largo she'd moved
into stardom and proved
there was nothing bacall couldn't do.
"
"absolutism: this is a theory
of which patriots tend to be leery.
it says nothing is greater
than a hard-nosed dictator
in a world that is dark and austere-y.
"
"the place is in trouble, no wonder.
it seems like a terrible blunder.
since dancing's a no-no,
""st. mary's a-go-go""
is a convent that'll prob'ly go under.
"
"britney spears?  i just wrote her a letter,
a ""dear jane,"" since it's time i forget her.
her sexual favors
are now put on waivers
because i'm accustomed to better.
"
"for sameness, green peas take the prize,
each one equal in most people's eyes:
each one round, each one seen
to be duly pea green,
each and every one all of a size.
"
"peter benchley earned tons of applause
with a novel that gave us all pause.
he made grown men and women
grow leery of swimmin'.
the book (and the screenplay) was jaws.
"
"the philosophy?  somewhat absurd.
many photos (mere padding?) were blurred.
there's no question, however,
the author was clever.
richard bach made a buck on a bird.
"
"accommodate, don and chris showed,
is a cross between date and commode.
though my date thought it odious
in rooms incommodious,
i thought, ""after dinner, i'm owed!""
"
"a suspension of rights is conceivable.
a complete fascist state is believable.
while the mood is intense,
call it ""homeland defense""
and then any corruption's achievable.
"
"with computers, i follow the fads.
and scars on my head? i've got scads!
while a curved blade is good
for the shaping of wood,
on the net, i just hate pop-up adz!
"
"he claimed that i had a small penis.
i accused him of theft in salinas.
he stabbed me repeatedly,
i shot him most heatedly.
now clearly there's bad blood between us!
"
"mr. deere and my aunt ran away
to be married one fine summer's day.
it's the truth! i'm not wrong,
since you all know the song
of how deere and the aunt elope. play!
"
"james j. andrews first hijacked a train
for a search-and-destroy type campaign,
but the rebels soon caught him.
to prison they brought him,
where treatment was far from humane.
"
"some advance money went to a clown
who performs as ""the great binky brown""
for a show not yet done.
his employer's begun
to regret this.  the clown has skipped town!
"
"while many proclaim, ""it's a crime
that this project of meter and rhyme
is progressing so slowly!""
i'm confident, wholly,
we'll finish it, all in good time.
"
"the advice ante cibum conceals
what a knowledge of latin reveals.
with your pills, this is key:
the rx says a.c.?
that's a shorthand for ""take before meals.""
"
"the date that a product's best used by
is something i'm often confused by.
if i eat stuff too late,
will slow death be my fate?
that's a prospect i'm not much enthused by.
"
"with my grandsons, i'll often invite 'em
to pick out some toys to delight 'em,
but my andrew has got
his heart set on a yacht!
sorry, kid.  that's a big-ticket item.
"
"there's no telling what art lies ahead
now the new with the old's interbred.
we see animatronics
combine electronics
with puppetry, magically wed.
"
"there's a part of your facial physique
where each nostril's attached to your cheek.
if a nose ring you wear
by your alar groove there,
you are quite undeniably chic.
"
"it's an image most folks can recall:
in a wine vat, a two-woman brawl.
or the candy disaster
(the belt moving faster).
the star of both scenes?  lucille ball.
"
"with four men in one household, the thing was
none knew what a boy-on-boy fling was.
of bonanza, instead,
michael landon once said,
""we weren't gay (but were grateful hop sing was).""
"
"being served at ""el gallo rosado,""
a bistro in vail, colorado:
guacamole and more
tasty dishes made for
the avocado aficionado.
"
"accidentalism states that events
haven't any connection and hence,
if this theory's correct,
there's no cause and effect.
what b.s.! (though that's just my two cents).
"
"my friends' anti-disco positions
they bellow without inhibitions:
""all that 'thump-thump-thump-thump!'
take that crap to the dump!
that's for dancers, perhaps, not musicians!""
"
"two qualities most folks admire
are courage and grace under fire.
noble traits such as these
forge some tough sobs
who take bullets and quickly expire.
"
"the big apple and beantown are places
the average native embraces.
they are home, in large part,
to both commerce and art
and, come winter, to frostbitten faces.
"
"for a bluetick, my dog, though real fast,
as a tracker was sadly miscast.
since he thought it a race,
he would pick up the pace
till all foxes and coons had been passed.
"
"from your prison of pain, they can spring you.
just lie back and let honeybees sting you.
apitherapists state
that bee venom is great
for the blessed relief it can bring you.
"
"he'd been caged like some dangerous beast,
but i got father michael released.
the cops were alarmed
that this man would be armed.
""a biretta's a hat for a priest!!""
"
"all the mice had proclaimed, ""bell the cat,
so we'll know where that bastard is at!
what a plan!  let's pursue it!
who'll step up to do it?""
(...it was here that the project fell flat.)
"
"there's ten people, a room that is sealed,
and a corpse!  you must keep your eyes peeled.
for when push comes to shove,
there is no one above
suspicion till the killer's revealed.
"
"the black cosmos is not what you think?
not a hole in the sky, dark as ink.
it's the flowering plant
that i got from my aunt
when i'd hoped she would leave me her mink.
"
"""my father's at peace,"" she said, musing,
""up above,"" though her words were confusing.
i thought what she said
meant that daddy was dead,
but he's not.  he's just upstairs and snoozing.
"
"""the apple isle?  part of albania?
or a beach in northwest lithuania?""
""it's clear you've not read
your assignment,"" she said,
""or you'd know it's a name for tasmania.""
"
"a floral arrangement is not
merely child's play to make, for it's got
to have color and line
in artistic design.
it's more than just ferns in a pot!
"
"you've got tropical acne?  you're sunk!
pimples cover your shoulders and trunk.
a product of sweating,
it's clear that you're getting
less sex than your average monk.
"
"pomade acne is prone to attack
men whose foreheads and temples are black.
you can get this when you
put that goo on your do.
not too much now, jack.  cut it some slack!
"
"my neighbors are eric and derek.
one's a cop and the other's a cleric.
they've got oil acne now
(i don't want to know how).
it's a term that is mostly generic.
"
"nasty blackheads: a scourge that curtails
the high hopes of our horniest males.
they're frequently seen
on your average teen
but seldom, if ever, on snails.
"
"there's a root that is named adventitious
that's both curious and expeditious.
it's not just a shoot
from the primary root.
were it human, you'd call it ambitious.
"
"a student quite frequently may
abstractedly hear teachers say,
""pay attention in class!""
the school may have his ass,
but his mind is a light year away.
"
"in his book, titled blackhead, one sees
that he calls it a ""fowl disease.""
i said, ""don't you mean 'foul'?""
but this caused him to howl:
""won't you spare me your ignorance, please!""
"
"barefoot pilgrim's a slang term for folk
who, through foolish investments, go broke.
they lose all of their dough
buying high, selling low.
and their status on wall street?  a joke.
"
"why does work-out enthusiast belle
suffer bacne?  it's easy to tell.
she wears tight-fitting clothes
and, as all the gym knows,
she's a steroid abuser as well.
"
"""i've an african emerald to trade.
will you offer some african jade?
this fine emerald is pure
as your jade is, i'm sure.""
""that's exactly of what i'm afraid!""
"
"so you think you're some master detective?
your findings are clearly defective!
before you accuse,
walk a mile in my shoes.
it'll give you a different perspective.
"
"an a-team's superior, though that
won't mean that they won't have to show that.
it's not just a name;
they're deserving of fame.
i pity the fool who don't know that!
"
"acculturation's the process whereby
a piglet gets used to its sty.
it involves no silk purses,
nor robert frost verses,
nor music of ages gone by.
"
"said the ad: ""bbw."" great!
a ""big, beautiful woman"" to date.
i'm not doubting her gender
or the fact she's not slender,
but that middle word's up for debate.
"
"though no englishmen ever mistreat me,
anglophobia sure can deplete me.
i fear that r.e.
plans to pounce upon me
with his c.o.e.d. and then beat me!
"
"""tony knuckles,"" an underworld hood,
named a hit but was misunderstood.
and the victim?  big moe,
tony's partner, and so
i suppose it was all to the good.
"
"when iodide acne befell me,
my doctors were trying to tell me
they strongly suspected
that i had injected
this poison, but what would impel me?!
"
"you've an acneform rash, a real blitz,
with the texture of hominy grits.
is it acne or what?
i'm not positive, but
you sure look like you're covered in zits!
"
"you're an avid sun-worshiping man
which is why colloid acne began
to attack you, poor fellow,
with pimples bright yellow.
they contrast real nice with your tan!
"
"you take steroids?  well, that's your affair.
steroid acne's a threat, so beware.
will your muscles be hits
if they're covered in zits?
(on the plus side, though, blackheads are rare.)
"
"on the net i am selling recorders,
so no state's overseeing my orders.
in effect, cyber traffic
is a-geographic:
no countries, no limits, no borders.
"
"she was arm candy.  both of us knew it.
no kissing.  no sex.  nothing to it.
when we enter a room
like young bride and old groom,
it's not my fault if you misconstrue it.
"
"andrologists have the facility
to study your sperm cells' mobility.
they help as men age
and assist as they wage
private wars against male infertility.
"
"""daily exercise, doctor, i'm told
has a value far greater than gold.""
""yes, that's true, and your mind?
do not leave that behind.
active aging?you'll never grow old!""
"
"with your mouse, move the burger in ways
that allow it to conquer the maze.
it's an advergame, lou,
but then who's playing who
when, all through it, their jingle it plays?
"
"before marriage, you'd always behave
like an angel?my perfect love slave.
but now with a ring on,
you act like a klingon.
you're brusque, you don't hug, you don't shave!
"
"i was caught boosting various sundries
on the bluest of all my blue mondays.
two detectives were staring?
they saw i was wearing
my lucky aluminum undies.
"
"an acouasm's nothing to dread.
it's a ringing sound deep in one's head.
tinnitus, it's called,
and it can't be forestalled.
you should learn to accept it instead.
"
"an acquaintance is one, to my sorrow,
i might not acknowledge tomorrow.
he's not like a friend
to whom i would lend
but, conversely, from whom i might borrow.
"
"since the 50s are my demographic,
i avoid watching films pornographic.
they are bad for my heart
say those tests, for a start,
that are angiocardiographic.
"
"i believe every dream can come true,
and world peace i believe's overdue
since it's ours to achieve?
yet i also believe
that my father is winnie the pooh.
"
"for you, re your debtor, what's best?
should you grant his restructure request?
or just grab what he has?
that's a judgment known as
the best-interest-of-creditors test.
"
"""guys so noble? there just aren't that many!
i love you!"" gushed katie mckenny.
then she went on to say,
""...in a brotherly way.""
(yep, you guessed it.  i'm not gettin' any!)
"
"i'm a glutton, an uncontrite sinner.
i have seconds and thirds every dinner.
though my hips are expanding,
my corset's outstanding!
for holding my breadth, it's a winner.
"
"a potato chip made out of beets??!
no, thank you.  i much prefer sweets.
for ""most horrible munchies,""
with brussels sprout crunchies,
the beet chip most surely competes.
"
"stndng nxt t hr dsk, trmblng jwls,
mrs. smth's pssd-ff mngr grwls:
""w'r ll pssmstc.
yr shrthnd's smplstc?
t's clr y'r jst drppng th vwls!""
"
"that a bird in the hand is worth two
in the bush is so patently true.
""a-b-i-t-h-i-""
and then ""w-t-i-
t-b,"" if you're texting, will do.
"
"she answered the door in her nightie
with looks that could top aphrodite.
when she offered me pleasure
beyond any measure,
i shyly responded, ""alrighty!""
"
"for those who think riddles are fun:
the closest of these is the sun.
then again, closer still,
there's the late benny hill,
and a brigadier general has one.
"
"her autopathography sold
very well with bulimics, i'm told.
titled gold medal puke,
it's an angry rebuke
by a gymnast just 13 years old.
"
"cauliflower's so wretched, it's stunning!
and broccoli?  worst taste twelve years running.
there's a child?  i'm appalled!
broccoflower it's called.
it's a hybrid i'm sure to be shunning.
"
"a new movie just opened, the blow,
and variety cries ""big b.o.!""
but this film doesn't smell.
no, it's doing quite well.
it's got box office figures aglow.
"
"beef shin, also known as the shank,
is a cheap cut of meat, nothing swank.
it's the kind you might use
for your slow-cooking stews?
one more reason we've bessie to thank.
"
"while it's true you look utterly stunning,
delays, dear, i've got to be shunning.
i happened to grab
a damn limerick cab
and his anapest meter is running.
"
"they say ""ashes to ashes"" is why
we are born, then we live, then we die.
there's no need to be bashful.
thank god you're not ashful!
still breathing?  the limit's the sky!
"
"""i have an announcement to make,""
said the cop (though he'd made a mistake).
""i inform with regrets
that our own new york jets
have today been consumed by a snake!""
"
"she's a hooker but, still, i don't judge her.
her fee i would never begrudge her.
so sweetly she hugged me,
then her ""manager"" mugged me.
she's nice but watch out for her bludger.
"
"you've accepted our roof and our chow
for three nights, so this gift we'll endow:
call the innkeeper ""paw""
'cause by old saxon law
you are one of the family now.
"
"like a fight scene from really bad fiction,
this guy kicked my ass with conviction.
while his fists were like stone,
we were far from alone?
a public display of affliction!
"
"to abbreviate words often is
one key to the lexicon biz.
though examples are myriad,
some have no period
so purists will often hate ""ms"".
"
"she is gracious and graceful and smart,
and in china our love had its start.
in the capital city,
i'm singing this ditty:
""beijing went the strings of my heart.""
"
"he's covered in prison tattoos,
and that looks like fresh blood on his shoes.
i've got my suspicions
the sunday edition's
too thin for this stack of bad news.
"
"the word aspirin is slang for a ball
pitched so fast it appears to be small.
a batter's disaster
would be a ball faster
than light.  you'd not see it at all.
"
"an attaboy's meaning is plain:
""you've done well!  let's break out the champagne!""
still, they fade away fast.
one mistake sends your last
twenty attaboys right down the drain.
"
"we use bedrock, a good solid noun,
for that layer of earth not far down
that is stable enough
to support homes and stuff.
(yes, it's also fred flintstone's hometown.)
"
"the graveyard was foggy and brumous.
i feared that the gloom would entomb us.
the fog is our sins.
our interment begins.
it's so deep, even god can't exhume us.
"
"the most brunneous eyes i have seen
are my lover's?not blue and not green.
neither hazel nor grey,
they're not lavender.  they
are not light, if you know what i mean.
"
"it's a problem we're facing unblinkingly:
you grind your back molars unthinkingly.
though psychiatry's pricey
and the outcome is dicey,
we may have to deal with this shrinkingly.
"
"though a brockie i'm quick to embrace,
from his scalp to his neck's a disgrace.
i am slightly amused for
this word was first used for
a cow with a black and white face.
"
"a psychosis is rife in albania
that the doctors have named ""u-haul-mania.""
with europe they're fed up.
they want now to head up
and move to monroe, pennsylvania.
"
"the latest fad sweeping the nation?
self-denial of sex: abnegation.
right wingers attest
they like abstinence best.
what's next? universal castration?!
"
"who's down in the hull?  there's a bosun,
a boatswain, a bos'n and bo'sun.
with each different name,
they're all one in the same;
their relationship's surely a close 'un.
"
"dear wife, i insist that my ration
of the sum of your love and your passion
be all that you've got,
so just what is this rot
about faithfulness ""after a fashion""?!
"
"to which genus do goshawks belong?
saying levi's would clearly be wrong.
but if you would state
""it's accipiter, mate,""
then your knowledge of hawks is quite strong.
"
"simply add to the grasp of a rhesus
the antithesis, psychokinesis,
and i guarantee
it's a sure ph.d.
i won't write it, though. i'm anti-thesis.
"
"at the church of the donkey they say
every mule worships god in his way.
they're all moved by the spirit
to sing.  you can hear it
when the minister says, ""let us bray.""
"
"angiography's when you're subjected
to having your bloodstream inspected
by x-ray.  this test
has been shown to work best
after radiopaque goo is injected.
"
"this database truly divided
the country when someone decided
to classify brits
by their domiciles: it's
how each portion of business is guided.
"
"this enchantress my belt is unbuckling,
and i can't help but inwardly chuckling.
it's like hans christian andersen
were here:  ""take a gander, son.
she once was a true ugly duckling!""
"
"to all less-endowed gals i'd advise:
it's no use to obsess about size.
yes, your a-cups can please.
you don't need double-ds!
lord above, you're as bad as us guys!
"
"i've heard acne decalvans is when
in the follicles (mostly of men)
there are pustules inflamed
and the scarring is blamed
for lost hair that will not grow again.
"
"the term acne ciliaris applies
to follicular pustules that rise
on the sufferer's face
in a sensitive place:
they will form on the lids of his eyes.
"
"one more acne we bring to the forum
is referred to as cachecticorum.
it's an acne that will
beset folks gravely ill
where the doctors can do little for 'em.
"
"with acne generalis, a case
may occur on the sufferer's face,
or it might take a whack
at his chest and his back:
he's got lesions all over the place!
"
"george bush seeks a cure to provide a
respite from his acne albida.
he frowns, shakes his fists
at his keratin cysts:
his own personal facial al-qaeda.
"
"with punctata, i'm sure that no kid'll
say this acne is much of a riddle.
in each open sore
that you care to explore,
there's a blackhead stuck right in the middle.
"
"bagoong is a shrimp paste that sells
very well in the east but repels
connoisseurs from the west
who have often expressed
how completely repulsive it smells.
"
"my role's small (that was clear from the start)
in the movie computers with heart.
i'm portraying a one?
just one scene and i'm done.
without doubt, this is just a bit part.
"
"his job: auto dentist.  it's true!
there's a lot that a dentist can do
for a new suv
or an old grand marquis
when a hailstorm has lately passed through.
"
"to acierate iron, i feel,
is just not that perplexing a deal.
carbon first, then begin
to stir other things in.
presto change-o!  it turns into steel!
"
"after stealing my aunt's stradivarius,
the burglar's defense was hilarious!
he declared with great poise
that his picklocks were toys,
when it's clear that his tools were burglarious.
"
"while to jump off a bridge would be stressful,
the result could be lastingly restful.
steve brodie, however,
exceedingly clever,
survived and became quite successful.
"
"my friend said, ""i've murdered my plumber!
and my wife has run off with a drummer.
plus my bulldog's in traction,
so, what's your reaction?""
what else could i say?  i said, ""bummer!""
"
"online chat: ""port-au-prince is in haiti.""
and then after, ""bykt, matey.""
a chatter will read
""but you knew that.""  indeed,
it's just shorthand online, bykt.
"
"while a kick in the teeth can be denticide,
using poison's a sure malcontenticide.
""his 1080 moves rocked!""
said the papers.  i'm shocked
that karate stars fight with rodenticide!
"
"the memo declared that all clerks
would be losing their medical perks.
this bogsat decision
lacked wisdom and vision.
it's clear all our bosses are jerks!
"
"bogus money is counterfeit, fake.
if the best of these bills you can make
is an 18-pound note
labeled ""cash"" (quote-unquote),
your career path i'd call a mistake.
"
"they took cattle cross-country and swept them
through wide-open prairies, then kept them
together at night
on a bed ground just right
when no holiday inn would accept them.
"
"she typed ""bbfn."" i thought, ""wow!
she is telling me 'bye-bye for now.'
i remember back when
she'd type 'ttfn.'
she is really maturing, and how!""
"
"baling wire? i'd say it's just fine
that the use of that stuff's in decline.
for baling up hay
it works fine, so they say,
but today modern farmers use twine.
"
"when cheryl and darryl had carol,
""he's sterile!"" thought meryl of darryl.
with her marriage in peril,
cheryl's paying off meryl.
that bitch has her over a barrel.
"
"bovine bessie was taught to play soccer
in hopes she'd become a great blocker,
but her poor world cup play
caused her coaches to say,
""that's the ballgame!  go clean out your locker!""
"
"you say football's a sport you adore?
that's a pass that we've all heard before.
your backfield's in motion,
to sack you've a notion,
it's clear that you're looking to score.
"
"acidity, textbooks will teach,
is a bi-purpose word, and with each
the meaning consists
of what acid exists,
in a liquid or else in one's speech.
"
"i'm the head of the board of trustees
at a dairy.  my main expertise
is production of this:
whopping great wheels of swiss.
it's no wonder i'm called ""the big cheese.""
"
"there's a fan club, of which i am prez,
seeking fans of the great joan baez.
as a folksinger we've a
great love for this diva,
no matter what anyone says!
"
"""my dear dad bought the farm!"" donna cried.
""well, you've always liked cows,"" i replied.
""no!  he snuffed it?went west!
he's expired?at rest!
my dad's pushin' up daisies!  he died!!""
"
"while some people live for biology,
many others find god in theology.
but if you've got a jones
for exhuming old bones,
then you just cannot beat anthropology.
"
"at naptime my two-year-old, frankie,
is cranky sans binkie and blankie.
""i can't come to you, dear,
'cause your father is here.
mommy's in for some hot hanky-panky!""
"
"we met in a dark honky-tonk.
on a chain, she was wearing an ankh.
i told her its history
is shrouded in mystery:
""you've the ancient egyptians to thonk.""
"
"in japan, a pearl diver (or ama)
will face deadly undersea drama
in hopes the day's catch
will provide enough scratch
for a mansion in north yokohama.
"
"""your wife needs a bypass, don't doubt it!
she's fading, no question about it.
though not cheap,"" he concluded,
""anesthesia's included.""
""oh?  how much would it be then without it?""
"
"an elephant plays ukulele
as clowns cavort, seven shows daily.
with trapeze acts galore,
lions, tigers, and more,
there's no bettering barnum &amp; bailey.
"
"""those are boss!"" we would say of guitars
in the sixties, the term wholly ours.
since then i have mused
u.s. grant might have used
this same word to describe his cigars!
"
"now the trial's in the past, i feel great!
i've returned to my natural state:
alongside of my wife
in our love nest for life.
(plus she gives me her ""in-family"" rate!)
"
"they've made undies since i don't know when,
and i'll wear bvds now and then.
but what few people know
is that long, long ago
they made bathing suits?topless! (for men).
"
"i judge food, and you know i'm a proper rater:
i'm a bto here (big time operator).
at burger king i
am a high-ranking guy
on account of my specialty: whopper rater.
"
"as a butcher, i've got what it takes.
disassemble a cow?  in two shakes!
you just lead in that cow
and i'll turn it, i vow,
into burgers and briskets and steaks.
"
"you're a burglar, but quite soon pittsburgh'll
submerge.  there'll be no place to burgle.
what will cause this mass gurgle?
a melting iceberg'll!
and if denmark won't sink, luxembourg'll.
"
"the beaver deceiver's perfection's
its way of forestalling objections.
it's humane, on the whole,
and while not birth control,
it's designed to prevent dam erections.
"
"that's the third time i've dropped that damn pencil!
i'm all thumbs, a sad fact that my friends'll
confirm, but then why
does that phrase mean that i
am a klutz and not super-prehensile?
"
"it's a fact every girl-watcher knows
that a woman's the best of all shows.
the best are bikinied
and found in-betweenied
the beach and their favorite beaus.
"
"a chara's a term that you might
start a letter with if you're polite
and you're irish, refined,
of a business-like mind,
and acushla just wouldn't seem right.
"
"there's a church trying hard to subdue
any non-church-approved point of view.
they all show an affinity
for mindless bovinity.
instead of ""amen,"" they should moo!
"
"if all the m.d.s have agreed
that your ovary's shot, please take heed.
in medical lingo,
an abdominal salpingo-
oophorectomy's just what you need.
"
"i've an irish colleen named marie
i refer to as cushlamochree
or acushla for short,
and i'm proud to report
that she uses this same name for me.
"
"a bark mitzvah?just what does this mean?
it's a party with canine cuisine.
if you've got too much cash,
it's the kind of a bash
that you throw when your dog turns 13.
"
"my lover was margaret sanger.
she'd fluster each time i'd harangue her
'bout sex and say, ""please!
i am not your 'maine squeeze'!""
(you see, each time i'd see her, i'd bangor.)
"
"a baby banana is sweeter
to the typical yellow fruit eater.
while it's true you may find
a more flavorful kind,
it's not likely there's any petiter.
"
"growing old is a process obscene;
still i yearn (if you know what i mean).
in a world where pcs
do advanced math with ease,
could you love an old adding machine?
"
"i'm hoping you'll find my work fit,
since i like it myself, i admit.
still i'm open to questions,
advice or suggestions,
or anything else you submit.
"
"the divisors of numbers that some
call abundant, when added, become
a number that's bigger
than the first one.  go figger!
(where do these inane terms come from?)
"
"a psychic was jailed on a charge
of attempting to blow up a barge.
less than five feet in height,
he escaped in the night.
screamed the headlines: ""small medium at large!""
"
"""my bear claws are great!"" jake confesses.
""they're one of my greatest successes.
as a breakfast-time treat,
this confection is sweet.
what's one look like? i'll give you three guesses!""
"
"fans of sousa this term may abhor so.
yet lovers of brahms all adore so
this direction: ""to play
in a soft, loving way,""
like a mom with her babe, only more so.
"
"when dee-dee, marie, and j.d.
see a bee tree they flee and call me,
pay a fee (a.b.c.?
anti-bee company),
and we knee each wee bee in the tree.
"
"as children, the fishbowl we eyed ?
two identical goldfish inside.
belly-up one fish went,
and my sister's lament?
""what a shame, chris.  your goldfish has died.""
"
"we will see the oedilf go the distance
to define every word in existence.
like the word abarthrosis?
it means ""diarthrosis.""
(i'm glad we could be of assistance.)
"
"there's a diner painstakingly staffed
with a crew who feel slang is a craft.
the thing i like most
is two poached eggs on toast,
which is adam and eve on a raft.
"
"the anarchists of america say
they'll make government functions pass?.
but what is the scoop
on this ""anti-group"" group?
why would people like that bond this way?
"
"our librarian recently vowed
there'd be silence, no matter the crowd.
to cut down on the noise,
she has banned girls and boys.
there's a sign there: ""no children aloud.""
"
"rickettsia tsutsugamushi
once informed me while dining on sushi:
""the word ankyroid?  'hook-like,'
even though it may look like
that guy who was friends with belushi.""
"
"this antemundane (if you're scoring)
means the time before all the outpouring
of six days' duration
that's known as creation.
it's not before life became boring.
"
"you're an agony aunt?  not too shabby!
you get to read mail and be gabby
to strangers in tears
and advise them, like peers
""savage love"" or, more placid, ""dear abby.""
"
"he's the kind of a nerd who will seek
new computer games week after week.
doesn't wash every day?
is he sexy?  no way!
he's a barney, a loser, a geek!
"
"a backronym starts as a word,
something simple that everyone's heard,
then each letter is given
a meaning and driven
to generate something absurd.
"
"the madman had set out to scare us all
with his threat: he intended to tear us all
into bits lilliputian,
then, mixed in solution,
he would spray us on walls via aerosol.
"
"the beverly hillbillies showed
you could move to a fancy abode
if you first shot at food
but hit bubblin' crude
and with millions of bucks were bestowed.
"
"you're the type of a southern-fried wench,
my dear scarlett, i've wanted to clench
to my bosom, but now
i will frankly avow:
i don't give a damn! (pardon my french.)
"
"my position does come at a price.
do i travel?  make money?  no dice!
our president could
make it right, and he should!
an ambassadorship might be nice.
"
"you've a zit on your face or your back
from a halogen acne attack.
the cause of that pimple
could not be more simple:
it's exposure to halogens, mack.
"
"the waitress at rosie's cafe
calls, ""two burgers, to go, all the way!""
while wondering whether
they'll mate well together,
i smile to myself as i pay.
"
"head to gloucester, at once, i implore you!
you've a mission i'm sure will not bore you.
as your king, i am needy,
but if you're not speedy
it's certain i'll get there afore you.
"
"an aldis lamp, it is agreed by
most sailors:  ""is just the thing we'd buy
to signal in morse.
not for home use, of course?
it's one hell of a nuisance to read by.""
"
"on the flight to new york, one man died
due to air rage; that can't be denied.
this guy screamed and he cursed,
so i let him go first
when he challenged, ""let's take this outside!""
"
"bioterrorists:  militants who
will wage war and then hope to subdue
all their enemies?not
just by having them shot,
but through anthrax or plague or the flu.
"
"your roommate has told me, yvette,
when we speak on the phone, i'm all wet.
she informed me, with glee,
that you're backgrounding me.
while i'm speaking, you're surfing the net!
"
"my agathism leads me to feel
that the fight (good v. evil) is real.
though sin thrives, i contend
good will win at the end
of a long and protracted ordeal.
"
"before my two daughters turned twenty,
i agonized over them plenty.
although rough, i give thanks
that i've since joined the ranks
of the ""bringing-up-teens cognoscenti.""
"
"mixing nectar and pollen, it's said,
can make beebread, a substance that's fed
just to immature bees,
so for sandwiches, please,
stick to rye or to whole wheat instead.
"
"the dragon, though tiny, was spinulated.
his spine, for defense, was echinulated.
each prickle that rose
could bring death, heaven knows,
since each barb was, in fact, acuminulated.
"
"you've got cysts way down deep in your skin
with bacterial infection within.
cystic acne's its name.
while no reason for shame,
an immediate cure should begin.
"
"the animal liberationists say
that our four-legged kin we betray.
in defense of their cause,
they may break many laws:
""it's a higher command we obey.""
"
"yogi berra, the records have shown,
has ten series rings of his own.
he not only could hit,
he was great with the mitt,
yet for malaprops now he's most known.
"
"while ahold of my wife on the phone,
in the background i heard a man moan.
all the while she was speaking,
i heard the bed creaking.
i'm thinking she wasn't alone!
"
"asclepius, son of apollo,
had a painfully tough act to follow.
with father the sun god,
the son's an outdone god.
(""unsung"" is a hard pill to swallow.)
"
"in chess notes, a !? move is cute
but it might not be all that astute,
where a ?! is a move
where there's room to improve,
yet it still could be hard to refute.
"
"the bog is a wetland?don't spoil it!
its water's not pure?you must boil it
before you can drink it.
in england they think it
(a bog) is a privy or toilet.
"
"to analogize, no one denies
that our goals are as high as the skies.
by the time i am eighty,
this book will be weighty,
like a person with very wide thighs.
"
"joseph's gift to his gal, it appears,
is so huge it's reduced him to tears.
but i wonder what joe meant
when he said, ""my bestowment
will cost me for 18 long years!""
"
"""friendly fire"" killed forty today,
but that's simply the price that we pay
for our bellicose spirit.
though it galls me to hear it,
""acceptable losses,"" they say.
"
"re: acne hypertrophica, i'm
here to offer you comfort in rhyme.
while it's true that it mars
your complexion with scars
that are raised, they regress over time.
"
"there's a funeral parlor pursuing
new customers.  here's what they're doing:
they consider bereavement
some sort of achievement.
their slogan: ""we're tops in boo-hooing!""
"
"androcentrism hits us when we,
to refer to both genders, say ""he.""
this flaw, i should mention,
promotes the convention,
in writing, of words like he/she.
"
"what's that sound?!  an aeolian moan...
like a wind-filled, deep, ominous groan.
though it's drafty, i sweat
but that's just what i get
touring castles, at night, all alone.
"
"every bag drag will mean extra work
as i lug all my gear, like a jerk,
through the airport. i must,
since i fear i can't trust
my belongings to some baggage clerk.
"
"for the first nine holes, bang!  nothin' to 'em!
but then bogeys?  i sure did accrue 'em.
on the back nine my score
was a 124.
those damn windmills?i just can't get through 'em!
"
"to explain active cave?  nothing to it!
it's remarkably easy to do it.
this term i'll define
in the very last line:
it's a cave with a stream running through it.
"
"ask no questions, i'll tell you no lies;
babe, i want to look good in your eyes.
baked potatoes i'll eat
when you're with me, my sweet.
when alone, though, i'm ordering fries.
"
"an overworked lawyer, al vesco,
dreams of leisurely lunches al fresco
(in the sweet summer air),
but there's no time to spare
so once more he'll be dining al desko.
"
"this pusher would deal all he could
to the littlest kids in the 'hood.
though by law it ain't right,
he was murdered one night.
(i suppose it was all for the good....)
"
"the term bear hug's a homonym, dude.
get it wrong and you're royally screwed!
it means an embrace
nice and tight, face to face.
it is not one that's given while nude.
"
"adfenestration's a burglar's technique:
through your window he'll quietly sneak.
if you're not at home now
there's a chance, i avow,
you are being ripped off as we speak.
"
"on that beautiful lake, then his own,
lived his beautiful, grasping young joan,
with her beautiful friends
and his beautiful benz.
ugly spiro's now broke ? and alone.
"
"in my dreams, i attend m.i.t.
the professors all idolize me.
in all sports i excel
and in romance as well.
such is life for the b.m.o.c.
"
"an agenda that's hidden?  no way!
i am flat out upfront when i say
that i want what i want,
don't believe in detente,
and will crush all who stand in my way!
"
"you lazy accidious lout!
this is it; pack your stuff and get out!
such a layabout slob,
get a life!  get a job!
you're a loser beyond any doubt!
"
"my uncle devotedly guards
one huge wall filled with qsl cards.
from each continent, these
all say ""73's!""
which in ham means ""hello, best regards!""
"
"this ""professional"" wrestling is junk!
and this ""good guy v. bad guy""?  all bunk!
the ""babyface"" (sneer!)
is the guy the fans cheer
while the ""heel"" is the guy who's the punk.
"
"as a child, my nefarious pleasures
came from stuffing my pockets with treasures
that my mom hadn't bought,
till one day i got caught
by some store's antishoplifting measures.
"
"one sausage that's german served hot
is a bratwurst.  the short form is brat.
but i must warn you that
if you're some kind of brat,
will i grill you a brat?  i think not!
"
"the alphabet agencies (say,
tva, ccc, nra)
to relief were devoted,
and so were promoted
by fdr, back in the day.
"
"when your deadbeats owe varied amounts,
your balance sheet might well announce:
""these payments have stalled.""
this figure is called
an allowance for doubtful accounts.
"
"a salad, like a fine stradivarius,
is filled with delights acetarious,
or so i was taught,
but (upon second thought)
that analogy's somewhat precarious.
"
"asphyxiation is nothing to sneeze at.
it's more like to cough or to wheeze at.
in the past i taught classes
on poisonous gasses,
a subject i've got expertise at.
"
"emphysema's a lethal vexation:
a battle for each inhalation.
the avoidance of death
due to shortness of breath
is my fervent and sole aspiration.
"
"i'm deceiving my girlfriend cecilia.
i've told her i've got hemophilia.
""to the doctor's"" i go
every night.  she can't know
i'm appearing in lear as cordelia.
"
"my booster bag makes it a breeze
to shoplift whatever i please.
it works to perfection
and ""foils"" all detection.
last month i scored seven tvs.
"
"zoo animals need to be freeable,
so a plan to escape was foreseeable.
i said, ""here's the key:
would you like to be free?""
the aye-aye, for one, seemed agreeable.
"
"it is clear you won't earn any stars
for your work in this office of ours.
when i said that your place is
to cover all bases,
you buried my four-stringed guitars??!
"
"asparagus, i like real well.
it gives me two things i can tell:
to my taste buds, a treat
as a side dish to meat?
to my urine, an awfully bad smell.
"
"your rhyme and your meter are cruddy.
and your logic?  it strikes me as muddy.
your facts you should check
(lord, this limerick's a wreck!),
so it's back to the drawing board, buddy.
"
"so the nurse marches in and announces:
""it's a boy!  seven pounds, thirteen ounces.""
i had lost (life is cruel!)
the damn waiting room pool.
as they say, that's the way the ball bounces.
"
"""we never do anything my way!
you don't hear a word of what i say.
i told you, to reach
downtown waikiki beach,
you do not take the damn alcan highway!""
"
"sure, the teacher you dated was hot.
no, she wasn't impressed by your yacht.
but you really went wrong
singing ""ain't"" in that song,
and then writing you loved her ""alot.""
"
"with his lovelife in constant eclipse,
acheilia plagues ernie phipps.
for him there's no kissing?
his kissers are missing?
the poor guy was born without lips.
"
"every year, while preparing shrimp bisque,
twenty chefs will be killed by a whisk.
do we ban shellfish soup?
no, we say, as a group,
this is just an acceptable risk.
"
"""is it true you're at liberty, mae,
since your husband raoul ran away?
and at liberty, too,
since your boss said you're through?""
""i am not now at liberty to say.""
"
"absentmindedly's how i write verse,
and distracted, my rhyming gets worse.
i'll start with a line,
and then...
""what the hell was i thinking?"" i wonder.
"
"his daughter, a virgin, said, ""pop,
i am off to belize now, chop-chop!
to their mountain, and how!""
he could just see it now:
pretty belize with a cherry on top.
"
"the abrams: one hell of a tank
with thick armor that tankers can thank
for their lives.  almost none
have expired in one,
though one fell in a river and sank.
"
"with dandruff, there's itching and flaking,
so here's some advice well worth taking:
a brush is the tool
that will make you look cool.
(and it's also for taters, pre-baking.)
"
"buck private's the lowest of ranks.
when you're new, you're the victim of pranks.
with one stripe on my sleeve,
you may think me naive,
but report in buck naked?  no thanks!
"
"a bucket's a pail.  don't know why
we've two terms for one concept, say i.
if cliches you are seeking,
metaphorically speaking,
it's something you kick when you die.
"
"though we knew he was somewhat a rover,
when caught he was still in high clover.
his behavior rejected,
he was still reelected.
yeah, that was bill clinton, all over.
"
"the azores, halfway 'cross the atlantic:
spots of land in an ocean gigantic.
nine portuguese islands
not known for their highlands,
they've beaches both lush and romantic.
"
"our bosses, in whom we had trusted,
had screwed us!  our pensions were busted!
then they canned us and they
had the chutzpah to say,
""stop acting all-fired disgusted!""
"
"an angora's a goat or a cat
or a rabbit  (well, how about that!).
all three are found where
folks like long silky hair?
find a bald one and i'll eat my hat!
"
"i'm not fancy.  but know this, my dove:
i'll sustain you when push comes to shove.
i'm as warm as can be,
and i pray you'll make me
your devout baked potato of love.
"
"through the screams, i could hear someone say,
""not to worry.  it's all a-ok.""
over dallas, my theory:
the pilot's too cheery?
three engines are blazin' away!
"
"as our spirits continued to droop,
fdr saw a need to regroup.
with a nation unable
to put food on the table,
he fed us all alphabet soup.
"
"bracket fungus: a shelf-like formation
that's found in a deep woods location
more often than not,
though its name sounds a lot
like some crap that attacks punctuation.
"
"humpty dumpty was known as a rambler,
and at lights, a devout amber gambler.
through yellows, he'd dash
till a multi-car crash
turned his yolk to one vast ""amber scrambler.""
"
"if on jazz-and-rock-fusion you dote,
there's a '70s band you should note.
they're called blood, sweat and tears,
and their name, it appears,
is the reason we flub churchill's quote.
"
"acne rosacea's the pits!
this disorder gives older folks fits.
it's a bright facial flushing,
much deeper than blushing,
a dermatological blitz.
"
"what gives a fine poem electricity?
firms it up yielding metric simplicity?
makes you shout out ""hurrah!""?
it's that ol' ""da-da-dah""
that the owl has named anapesticity.
"
"""if you want a successful career
in fast food, be on time!  is that clear?
in at six.  when you're done,
leave precisely at one.
to this schedule, you'll have to adhere.""
"
"well, bye-bye, my delectable miss.
what?  you want a goodbye christmas kiss?
i don't know.  what i mean
(are you sure you're eighteen?)
is i shouldn't have done even this.
"
"""with no job, he's an awfully big spender.
never drank, yet he's now on a bender.
at the time of the crime,
he was dressed as a mime.""
""it adds up.  let's go pinch the offender.""
"
"she's homely.  her jokes aren't that funny.
her nose is perpetually runny.
""i love you,"" i lied.
""let me make you my bride!""
what the hell?she's got all kinds of money!
"
"if carrie or sherry or terri
go topless for gary or barry,
the act might be scary
or merry (yes, very!)
but in england, that's airing the dairy.
"
"the blogosphere's surely a blessing?
the world a mixed bag, coalescing.
one hemisphere shows
our democracy's foes,
while the next?  pretty ladies undressing.
"
"i suppose rose chose bows for those hose
to expose lows she knows 'bout pros' clothes.
joe's hos pose in rows
so's no beaus doze.  it shows!
they oppose poe's crow's foes?'cause prose blows!
"
"ben affleck, a tabloid disclosed,
for the last dozen years hasn't dozed.
since the year '95:
thirty films!  man, alive!
could this guy be more overexposed?!
"
"the angel of death came today.
hers is beauty words cannot convey.
how can death be such bliss?
with a delicate kiss,
paradoxically, life slipped away.
"
"every weblog, each thread and each post,
left to right, pole to pole, coast to coast,
all share a huge unity,
a ""cyber-community
of thought.""  that's the blogosphere's boast.
"
"""goodbye, greg.  so long, eve.  adieu, herman.
farewell, pat.  ciao, denise.  bye-bye sherman.""
(on our cap and gown day,
this is all he can say?
what a dud baccalaureate sermon!)
"
"the term babyware, everyone knows,
means the stuff baby needs as he grows,
but if it is penned
e-a-r at the end,
then it's clear you're just speaking of clothes.
"
"a babiche is a kind of a thong
made of rawhide.  it's thin yet it's strong.
you won't find them in bed;
they're for snowshoes instead.
(yeah, i know what you thought?you were wrong.)
"
"most animate nouns you can touch
and they'll feel you, like cattle and such,
or gazelles or musicians
or pediatricians,
but pebbles or bricks?  not so much.
"
"never joining the navy, kim basinger
explained to some gobs who were facing her:
""i do not fear the fight,
and i'm gorgeous in white,
but i'm simply no 'anchors aweigh' singer""
"
"my advice column, titled ""ask chuck,""
has been cancelled for cause, drat the luck!
to folks single or married,
my advice never varied:
""stop whining!  be happy, you schmuck!""
"
"i am proud to be counted among
dads who talked with their daughters, when young,
'bout the birds and the bees.
(then i prayed to god, ""please
do not let them get pecked at or stung!"")
"
"""am i going to die?""  ""goodness no, gram!
now the meat wagon's here?in you go, gram.""
emts on the scene
launched their rescue routine:
their advanced trauma life support program.
"
"you say you're some terrorist schmuck
who is looking to blow up your truck.
you don't want to fudge it
but still, on a budget,
you're seeking more bang for your buck.
"
"in response to my nation's alarms,
i was drawn to a uniform's charms.
then i lost both my hands.
now my mom understands
that her son never more will bear arms.
"
"when i bet all my chips in a rush,
i was bluffing.  i tried not to blush.
i was making a stand
with a beatable hand:
a 7-high ""almost-a-flush.""
"
"tough luck, but a bachelor of arts
is just par for the course 'round these parts.
want to dazzle your betters?
a bachelor of letters
will show 'em the depth of your smarts!
"
"a fisherman friend, name of matt,
keeps a limerick attached to his hat.
this word's definition:
""a hook used for fishin'.""
(i'm betting you didn't know that!)
"
"my theresa has got beriberi.
i confessed, ""this is quite scary, terry.
it is thiamine, love,
you don't get enough of,
and the doctors are all very wary.""
"
"in manhattan bodegas abound,
and in brooklyn they're highly renowned.
you can buy a tortilla,
or a case of sangria.
on the street corner's where they'll be found.
"
"my cow's in your garden?  oy, vey!
that's the fifth time she's gotten away.
i make no pretenses:
she likes breaking fences!
she's breachy; what more can i say?
"
"when we met in downtown abu dhabi,
she asked me, ""what brings you here, bobby?""
i replied that the mob
was my 9-to-5 job
and that stripping was only a hobby.
"
"want the bad guys to meet with disaster?
send a prayer to your local alastor.
you could do what they do
in greek tragedies, true,
but the gods can accomplish it faster.
"
"here's the 4-1-1, jack, on your date:
she's divorced and she swings like a gate,
31, lives alone,
drives a jag (year unknown)?
she is fine and in search of a mate.
"
"i would hate to appear pessimistic,
but it's quite a depressing statistic:
in my postal attire,
my chances are higher
of snapping and going ballistic.
"
"""what's that pasta in little round balls
found in soups from seville to sioux falls?""
""acini di pepe?""
""you got it, giuseppe!
thanks a lot.  i was climbin' the walls!""
"
"you will have to adfenestrate, clark,
becky's bedroom tonight after dark.
while she knows it's a bother
(do not wake her father!),
she's tired of trysts in the park.
"
"i can wear sexy clothes that not many fit
since i've kept myself trim and i'm plenty fit,
but you've got me all wrong
when you buy me a thong.
i'm not wearing that thing for your benefit!
"
"my girl's so aesthesiogenic
that all of my musculophrenic
parts suffer sensations
in such concentrations
the outcome is too calisthenic.
"
"at a party, luxuriously hip,
i was offered a buffalo chip.
just one bite made me think
that i needed a drink.
i was told, ""yes, they're better with dip.""
"
"she's not the most gorgeous of chicks.
there's no way she's a 10.  she's a 6.
when i drink, though, she's hot
'cause there's nothing she's got
that a half-dozen brewskies won't fix!
"
"""when you're broke, you're a joke,"" it's been said.
many think without moolah, you're dead.
sad to say, i'm not seen
with big stacks of long green.
i've no cabbage, no readies, no bread.
"
"in these sonogram photos one sees
that my son is quite eager to please.
abdominoanterior,
he's clearly superior!
if you squint, you can see him say ""cheese!""
"
"his punch, like a butterfly free,
could well float, but then sting like a bee.
he was born cassius clay
but we know him today
as ""the greatest,"" muhammad ali.
"
"""this party is certain to fail.
the chips and the pretzels are stale.
the music is lame,
and the people?  the same!""
""i'm in total agreement.  let's bail.""
"
"our budweiser beats local ales
as it rivals mcdonald's in sales.
no leader can ban it:
all over the planet
americanization prevails.
"
"ankle slappers: like waves from the wake
of a boat.  it would be a mistake
to hang ten on them, yet
that is just what you get
for attempting to surf on a lake.
"
"i was vilified, cursed, reprimanded.
my editor said, ""i'll be candid.
you butchered that story
of rome and its glory.
no finesse! it was too heavy-handed!""
"
"what's your distance?  a hundred yards, tops?
your golf swing's a lot like my pop's.
he turned 80 today.
you're just like him but, hey,
don't get pissed.  i'm just bustin' your chops!
"
"this project will set minds agog.
of all reference books, we'll be top dog!
our great-grandkids will state,
on some far future date,
""they did it, and they did it whole hog!""
"
"you bring word that my ex was in tears,
bound and gagged on a flight to tangiers?
and you say she was nude
and completely tattooed?
do i care?  tell me more!  i'm all ears!
"
"she appears to me often in dreams.
""which way to kentucky?"" she screams.
it is clear she's a most
overstrung sort of ghost,
and not good with directions, it seems.
"
"a professor was heard to opine:
""armed and dangerous?  dumb by design!
it's a term i'd suggest
is redundant at best.
is there anyone 'armed and benign'?""
"
"""my name's 'blitzen,' you say?  are you sure?
it's that idiot clement c. moore
who had named me that way.
were he with us today
i'd bombard him with reindeer manure!""
"
"on our third date i said, ""what's the matter?
you've given me nothing but chatter!
i want satisfaction,
so show me some action!
all or nothing!""  (she gave me the latter.)
"
"""ample-bodied,"" the ad said, and that
made me wonder, ""do i smell a rat?""
in matters linguistic,
don't be euphemistic:
you're not ""ample-bodied""?you're fat!
"
"she professes: ""the thin and the stout of it,
it's baby fat; i have no doubt of it.""
i replied, ""sakes alive,
you just turned 45!
when the hell are you gonna grow out of it?""
"
"the archbishop was firm, unassailable.
""there's no sickness to cure? that's bewailable!""
yes, within his archdiocese,
the pain of psoriasis
was the only disease still available.
"
"i asked comet and dasher and dancer,
and blitzen and vixen and prancer:
""how the hell can you fly?""
but i heard no reply:
not a one of them gave me an answer.
"
"while it may jar your sense of aesthetics,
this cannot be blamed on genetics:
the acne that's known
as cosmetica's shown
to be caused by the use of cosmetics.
"
"you've got acne frontalis?  it mars
both your forehead and temples with scars.
crusted lesions run riot
and serve to disquiet
this fragile existence of ours.
"
"i practice each day and i dream about
guitars and great fame, yet i seem about
even with guys
whose careers never rise:
above average, but nothing to scream about.
"
"acne fulminans makes your life hell.
your appearance is apt to repel.
severe scarring (not pleasant)
is not all that is present?
there are nastier symptoms as well.
"
"to call drill for the company brass,
or play taps as you stand on the grass
by a serviceman's grave
to respect all he gave,
a clear bugle you'll never surpass.
"
"surfer dan, viewing waves with alarm,
feared his board would be coming to harm.
bodysurfing instead
(there, that's using his head!),
surfboard's fine, but he's broken his arm.
"
"a remorseful oedilfer, bob d.,
said, ""a badgerer?  once that was me.""
another decides
his confession's besides
the whole point.  (that'd be me: badgeree.)
"
"chloracne's a scourge occupational.
(who knew zits could have causes vocational?)
chlorine compounds most threaten
at work.  (you're not gettin'
too much in locales recreational.)
"
"an earnest old man (not some stoner)
called me up to announce, ""i'm the owner
of knives that you sell
and i like them real well.
what i need now's a seven-inch boner.""
"
"is nurse beverley allitt insane?
how else could you ever explain
her appalling attacks
upon children?  her acts
ended lives for the notice she'd gain.
"
"american fries are pan-fried
sliced potatoes few frenchman have tried.
furthermore, i can claim
that they won't change the name
as a way of reflecting french pride.
"
"the beehive at first was created
so thousands of bees could be crated.
it's a place where high-grade
natural honeycomb's made,
or a hairstyle that's grossly outdated.
"
"bacchus marsh, a small town in victoria,
by its name seems to offer euphoria:
wine, women, and song
(in a swamp all day long?),
in a sensual phantasmagoria.
"
"an arrowsmith surely could screw us
with arrows shot utterly through us.
if he isn't the guy
with an arrow supply,
he's a book by the great sinclair lewis.
"
"a 10q is sent on its way
to keep all sec types at bay.
upon the receipt
of this info complete,
they'll say, ""10q, and have a nice day!""
"
"a slow-witted friend of mine, nick,
without doubt's an abderite, a hick.
from abdera he hails,
a place famous for tales
of the locals, all thought to be thick.
"
"the character played by jack benny:
a miser who'd pinch every penny.
that was one of his jokes,
but in truth were there folks
half as generous?  no, not that many.
"
"in appearance, it looks like a shambles.
it's made up of bird spit and brambles.
bird's nest soup: it's the kind
of a treat you won't find
in those red and white cans labeled ""campbell's.""
"
"it's a play from a virtuous age
that i'm in, yet i lust to engage
the sweet wife of my co-star.
(she's swayable so far.)
there's drama afoot?all backstage.
"
"""a most grisly campaign, it is written,
was the nightmarish blitz on great britain!
when attacks from the air
brought on death and despair....""
that's enough for tonight.  g'night, kitten.
"
"anaclitic describes virge and me.
his programming skills are the key
to our website's success,
i am quick to confess.
without him, just where would we be?
"
"this project's outrageous to some
on account of the hard work to come.
a few give me grief,
say ""you're editor-in-chief?
to me you're a no-account bum!""
"
"i find myself often lip syncing
to abba; i know what you're thinking:
""he likes that pop mush?
that would cause me to blush!""
but it only occurs when i'm drinking.
"
"first katrina forced thousands of men
and women to flee the floods.  then
rita hit new orleans.
well, you know what this means:
we must beef up the levees again.
"
"in america, looks are essential.
for top leadership, bruce had potential.
by polls he was guided,
but voters decided
babbitt just didn't look presidential.
"
"this skit on tv at brianna's
featured hats of one type:  susquehanna's.
costello would meet
passers-by in the street,
each one instantly going bananas.
"
"i counselled my teenage son, fritz,
""eating chocolate will not give you zits.
but a source acnegenic
that's truly authentic?
oily skin, son, is truly the pits!""
"
"i once knew a woman named gail
whose alopecoid mystique i'll unveil:
nimble quickness combined
with a devious mind,
a sharp nose and a long bushy tail.
"
"""oh, grampa,"" says andrew, ""you're thick!
here's a riddle, so answer this quick:
what is sticky and brown?""
at my mystified frown,
he bursts out with a laugh: ""it's a stick!""
"
"bromide acne inspires the attitude
(in me, anyway) of great gratitude.
i'm glad it's a question
of bromide ingestion,
and not caused by hearing a platitude.
"
"many people think bearskins are hokey,
yet artisans working in skokie
will spend a whole week
making each one unique.
(it's a lifetime commitment for smokey.)
"
"as an acronym, aa's attraction
is its use for affirmative action,
or as air attache.
(aku ankka?) today,
of its terms, these are only a fraction.
"
"asphyxy?your life could be ended.
you're not breathing as nature intended
due to drowning or gas,
but what might save your ass:
animation is only suspended.
"
"on her wedding night, anne was dismayed.
right outside of her window, we played
in our callithump proudly,
not ably but loudly,
a boisterous faux serenade.
"
"the cavalry pulled in belatedly.
grant hid in the woods and awaited lee.
but lee never moved rashly,
unthinkingly, brashly.
he took every step calculatedly.
"
"happy memories i thank marietta for.
she was loving and never a threat afore.
but i've learned that all wives
should be kept far from knives
so that ""castrating bitch"" stays a metaphor.
"
"said the edmonton oilers' chris pronger,
""i won't be short-changed any longer!""
to his miserly boss,
he cried out, ""applesauce!""
(too polite to use anything stronger).
"
"eddie albert could charm and enthrall
with his acting skills, but think of all
sitcoms' movers and shakers,
then consider ""green acres,""
and it's arnold the pig you'll recall.
"
"to define what's in smelling salts, i'm
surely posed with a problem that's prime.
it's stark pandemonium:
clearly ammonium
carbonate hasn't a rhyme.
"
"my sister, a banker, says, ""please!
you have got to invest in cds.""
though i love the gal dearly,
my future's quite clearly
secured by my stock of lps.
"
"sherman adams, as ike's chief of staff,
made a serious gift-getting gaffe.
he received a nice coat,
and a rug of some note,
and his second term severed in half.
"
"an american diet is key with me.
when cooking you can't be too free with me.
no thai or chinese
and no mexican, please.
all these foods simply do not agree with me.
"
"of dean acheson, often it's said
he had influence deep and widespread
in affairs of the state,
and while most thought him great,
joe mccarthy declared, ""he's a red!""
"
"the hills are alive with the sound
of music, maria has found.
they'd be quiet, no doubt,
if she'd just do without
all that singing and dancing around!
"
"in the pyrenees, snow-capped and piney,
lies andorra, a nation quite tiny.
you say countries so small
are worth nothing at all?
you're a dope and can go kiss my heinie!
"
"he's been calling you ""babe"" all this week?
and it's clear that he loves your physique?
while your attributes blind him,
perhaps you remind him
of a little pink pig who can speak.
"
"it is clear his career's at its end
when a curveball's above johnson's bend.
""when you ain't got your stuff,
then enough is enough""
is a fact all the jocks comprehend.
"
"by her dad, we was under attack
on that evenin' some ten years aback.
we had set in to sparkin'
in a place meant for parkin'
aback of the radio shack.
"
"justice triumphed, i'm happy to say,
when some ""evidence"" came into play:
there were photos of scenes
showing prim high school teens
and a naked and drunk ada.
"
"asked the judge, ""were you ever aware
of a feeling of loss or despair?""
i replied, ""i've no doubt
that she loved me throughout
this whole sordid affair, yes, afair.
"
"choreographer paula abdul
had the moves that made lakers fans drool.
now american idol
and stardom worldwide'll
confirm that she's nobody's fool.
"
"though her body's decidedly dawn,
her voice, without question, is vaughn.
i want it made clear
that my eye, not my ear,
is the reason to her i am drawn.
"
"""you're a fool!""  ""you're a loon!""  they proclaim,
but in scotland they give you this name:
""you're a bampot!"" they shout
every time you go out,
""an' yer bringin' yer family shame!""
"
"kate begrudgingly gave her approval,
conditioned on ""right of removal.""
now my moosehead looks stately.
i treasure it greatly,
despite her sarcastic reproval.
"
"we rolled right off the dock in the dark
which then led the state cop to remark,
""amomaxia, son,
is more properly done
when you first put your car into park.""
"
"in the service, an abcd
can be cryptic, i'm sure you'd agree.
it either means you
have superiors few
or that soon no more service you'll see.
"
"louise is an animalier.
art with animals is her career.
she paints pictures of rats
and of vampire bats,
subjects i would not ever get near.
"
"crestwood mall's barber-surgeon concession
promotes that medieval profession:
""have your hair cut and dyed,
and some leeches applied,
and three teeth pulled in rapid succession!""
"
"there's this joke 'bout a cockatoo groomer
and an oversexed latex consumer
that i told with finesse,
yet with lack of success.
(sister anne doesn't care for blue humor.)
"
"clearly jeremy bentham believed
that his death wasn't meant to be grieved.
now his family and friends
have all come to their ends,
strange to say, he's ""outlived"" the bereaved.
"
"i'm taking a sweet-loving belle
to a candy boutique i know well.
my hope is my charm'll
be heightened by caramel
or, if she prefers, caramel.
"
"in my essay, i said the ""mack trucks""
and the ""saturns"" were all ""uncle buck's.""
for my lowercase use,
i'm now facing the noose.
i think capital punishment sucks!
"
"a callous young doctor named lou
said, ""there's good news and bad news, it's true.
first, you're terminal, see?
it's a new std.
but they're naming the thing after you!""
"
"the call girl is commonly known
to be prone to make dates on the phone.
but today on the net
she is busier yet,
and the concept of ""e-girls"" has grown.
"
"a cadaverous model named lynne
took good care of the clothes she was in.
she would not overeat
and was known to be neat
(not to mention as thin) as a pin.
"
"my daughter, the witch (she's artistic),
ensconced in a world cabalistic,
makes potions and spells
and weird trinkets she sells,
but a profit?  we're not optimistic.
"
"my chemist friend, danny mcguire,
from comedy needs to retire.
one day in the lab
i said, ""call me a cab.""
he replied, ""you're an auto for hire.""
"
"the c's in my transcript are stressing
i'm average.  how's that for depressing?
that c that i got
in phys ed?  thanks a lot!
but in nuclear physics?  a blessing!
"
"in des moines, i had lunch at the grange,
paid in cash, and then found in my change
a large coin marked ""cc.""
it's a minter's id:
carson city.  i thought that was strange.
"
"try these finger foods.  nosh!  have some yummies!
those fingers, in fact, were my mummy's.
i learned how to cook
from that big yellow book
titled cannibalism for dummies.
"
"a magician turned hit-man named shawn
into victim disposal was drawn.
first the corpse is right there
and then into thin air
with an ""abra-cadaver,"" it's gone!
"
"after hiking two weeks, i am sorry
we went on this half-assed safari.
a mistake, that's for sure,
was this african tour
titled ""stalking the wild calamari.""
"
"i may someday inherit ontario
and become a successful lothario,
see this book to its end,
call dave letterman ""friend,""
but of course that's a best case scenario.
"
"well, the flattery's hard to ignore.
and the compliments?  never before
has a boyfriend like bob
called me ""his little knob.""
(i am something, he says, to a door.)
"
"gail spoke with her mom confidentially:
""my husband's a baby, essentially.
he takes too much pride
in his toys!""  mom replied,
""he'll age out of that b.s. eventually.""
"
"""my dog, a great dane named miguel,
has no nose.""  ""well then, how does he smell?""
""i'd say awful, poor guy.
his anosmia's why,
when we hunt, he does not do that well.""
"
"it was largely an uncivil war
and andersonville proved this and more.
a confederate prison,
it since then has risen
as a place for war buffs to explore.
"
"my doctor's cacography stinks!
he does not write as well as he thinks.
when writing out script,
all coherence is stripped,
and it only gets worse when he drinks.
"
"since my mom is a nursing home resident,
we don't talk about booty.  i'm hesitant.
the subject's complex
since this term, meaning ""sex,""
first arose back when coolidge was president.
"
"an accessory apartment is where
you might give old aunt harriet care
(her own place, in your home,
with your uncle jerome),
or keep teenagers out of your hair.
"
"it's decision time!  no way to stall it.
i am offered the coin; i eyeball it.
now it's flipped in the air.
heads or tails?  i despair
as the ref turns to me and says, ""call it!""
"
"said a football researcher named craig,
""most medieval sports records are vague.
i tried to look up
the 1220 world cup,
but it seems it was called due to plague.""
"
"we were having one helluva brawl
when she pointed the gun and said, ""paul,
just say which it will be.
is it her?  is it me?
sweetheart, make up your mind; it's your call.""
"
"wrap each spud in aluminum foil,
or you might lightly cover with oil.
when it's oil that you use,
only fresh should you choose.
if your oil gets too old, it'll spoil.
"
"if you'd like to maintain your abode
in one piece, a report clearly showed
a skin-piercing regime
will avoid built-up steam
that could cause baking spuds to explode.
"
"to ensure that they're clean, first you brush 'em.
the spuds like to be brushed?do not rush 'em.
all the best cooks advise
those with long stringy eyes
are no good.  you should just go and flush 'em.
"
"""now your very first score has been made,""
pat said calmly, ""do not be afraid.""
she went on, with a smile,
""we'll go downtown where i'll
get you drunk, then tattooed, and then laid!""
"
"baked potatoes are easy to make.
first configure your oven to ""bake.""
then preheat, if you please,
to 350 degrees.
for a side dish, you might broil a steak.
"
"""i fell while evading some bees
and i scraped up my biscuits and cheese.""
my expression looked pained,
so my daughter explained,
""that's just rhyming slang, guv'nor, for 'knees.'""
"
"bake your taters for roughly an hour
at which time they'll be ripe to devour.
to bliss, you're now headed,
so add some cheese (shredded)
or, if weight's not an issue, cream (sour).
"
"if you work for ma bell, there's a way
to mark calls incomplete, night or day.
if the line isn't free,
it's recorded bz,
and if nobody answers, na.
"
"""nurse, bag him!"" the doctor had said,
and i thought, is my grandfather dead?!
but the bag in this case
was placed over his face
to assist with his breathing instead.
"
"all over before it began,
on a beach somewhere north of spokane,
and all over the news:
the cops wouldn't excuse
my pursuit of an all-over tan.
"
"all-fired: a term you should study.
it's an adverb or adjective, buddy.
if your uncle is sam,
it's a way to say damn;
if you're british, it translates to bloody.
"
"apitherapy, treatment with bees,
was well known to the ancient chinese.
bees can help with bursitis
and relieving arthritis....
no, sorry.  no word yet on fleas.
"
"indurata's an acne they say
can be cause for abysmal dismay.
pustules make their debut
on your face (papules, too),
and the scars?  they will not go away.
"
"the abominable no-man said ""no""
so the prez wouldn't have to bestow
troubling news on the masses,
thus ike got free passes
while adams caught all of the woe.
"
"in the period pre-world war two,
the style blackface, it's sad but it's true,
featured jokes at their basest,
incredibly racist,
to please folks of modest iq.
"
"she asked me (my ex, now a friend),
""would you do it all over again?""
i said, ""jude, you're so nice
i would marry you twice,
but then i'm not the brightest of men.""
"
"androcephalous, striking, yet rare?
a result of an old science fair.
my chihuahua, wee fred,
now sports grandmother's head.
(she's not your granny; what do you care?!)
"
"a bolo's a dangerous male,
like the kind you'd prefer kept in jail.
this slang book i took out
says ""be on (the) look out,""
his dastardly deeds to curtail.
"
"there are three british blokes in their beds.
on their pillows are three british heads.
were they yanks at such ease,
they'd be catching some z's.
as it is, though, they're catching some z's.
"
"said a fisherman out on a pier
to a buddy as noontime drew near:
""have a beersicle, hal.
these are good for morale?
freakin' popsicles made out of beer!""
"
"in morocco, a tourist may buy
a b'steeya, a flaky pot pie
filled with more than a smidgen
of chicken or pigeon.
you really should give one a try.
"
"the byrds were a sixties' sensation
presenting a hip innovation:
they were folk-singing stars
with electric guitars,
doing dylan with great dedication.
"
"the canadian beadles, no doubt,
are a band you know nothing about.
the name is a tip-off:
this band was a rip-off.
one album was all they put out.
"
"vice president barkley said, ""then
there's the tale about two earnest men:
one set out to sea,
the other's v.p.,
and neither's been heard from again!""
"
"an american student in amsa
had emailed a friend in apamsa
with a message that read:
""fretful dreams in my bed
have transformed me.  i'm now gregor samsa!""
"
"polly adler established her name
in the world's oldest play-for-pay game.
jolly times?  polly had 'em,
the gents called her ""madam,""
but a ""house"" and a ""home""?  not the same!
"
"zazzy ozzie in zzyzx drinks fizz
at zyzzyva pizza, his biz.
he likes buzz, razzmatazz
with pizzazz, all that jazz,
but by late afternoon, a nice zizz.
"
"at the shop, we've a humor administrator:
""a smile may be good but a grin is greater.""
he's in charge so he'll say,
""in both senses i'm gay,
but rudolfo enrique, my twin, is straighter.""
"
"""all units respond, if you're able,
to a 5150 on streible.""
this number's a code
used by cops on the road
for a person who's seen as unstable.
"
"""dead woman, exceedingly hairy,
gives birth to a twelve-pound canary!""
this paper pursues
unconventional news,
but believable?  i'd say not very.
"
"should a chatroom acquaintance inquire,
""what's your asl, please, and attire?""
say you're swedish, eighteen,
you're a homecoming queen,
and you're nude (and a terrible liar).
"
"when i called her a bitch, i would render
the opinion i did not offend her.
she is fourteen years old
and she does as she's told.
she's a wolfhound and female's her gender.
"
"""alethiology,"" claimed my aunt ruth,
""was my passion when i was a youth.
it's the science involved
with how problems are solved
and how evidence leads to the truth.""
"
"this odd word, bibliolater, looks
like a person who can't get his hooks
on enough things to read,
but i ask you, indeed,
can a reader have too many books?
"
"in the garden of eden you'd fail
to find liquor or spirits on sale,
and this, says my daughter,
is why today water
will sometimes be dubbed adam's ale.
"
"in the chemical processing biz,
an active ingredient is
what the stuff you make has
that supplies the pizzazz.
it takes filler and gives it its fizz.
"
"baby buggies are useful, no doubt,
when you're wheeling your baby about,
but they pose a sly threat
to the stuttering set:
if their bumpers are rubber, watch out!
"
"thought the waiter, ""now what shall i do?
it's too late to push 'baby tooth stew'!
other diners suspect
it's a fad. i just checked:
half the others are wanting one too.""
"
"theda bara was known as ""the vamp.""
in the silents, ms bara was champ
at seducing young men?
film's first sex symbol!  then
tastes evolved and they called her a tramp.
"
"there's one insult that constantly rankles:
it's when people make fun of my ankles!
each ankle and calf
are quite large.  people laugh
as they point and call out, ""he's got cankles!""
"
"addictive?that's my personality.
my obsession defies rationality:
not gambling or booze,
but the fact that i choose
to pursue mere 5-line immortality.
"
"an adulticide?  grown-ups gone splat?
blood and gore from some gun-toting brat?
no, it's only a spray
that keeps insects at bay,
killing just the mature and that's that.
"
"the american civil war may
be described as the blue against gray.
it's been frequently said
we'd have blue vs. red
if we fought it all over today.
"
"ampelography helps to define
an ingredient central to wine.
not the textures and shapes
or the colors of grapes,
it's the study, instead, of the vine.
"
"good food in the morning will cheer up
your family; your problems will clear up.
there's sap from the maple,
a sweet breakfast staple:
for pancakes, aceric's the syrup!
"
"seven days from the date we were married,
to england my wife and i ferried.
we'd make love, out of sight,
on the boat deck at night.
that's the place where the lifeboats are carried.
"
"rick ricardo was flustered to spy
madagascar's famed lemur while high.
to the navy he'd bonded,
so when asked he responded,
""i eye aye-aye?  i?  aye!  (ay-yi-yi!)""
"
"with bob skates, i give this advice:
though your kids will still fall once or twice,
on each skate double blades
serve as balancing aids.
try these ""training wheels"" made for the ice.
"
"while i'm certain this won't come as news,
we have differing meanings for hues.
if you're jealous, you're green;
turning red's venting spleen;
and the down-in-the-dumps get the blues.
"
"there's a word i've discovered that i'm
here to tell you about in this rhyme.
say hello to amexica,
not in most lexica
yet, but just give it some time.
"
"plain american fare can be beaten
by fish eggs!  there's just no competin'.
they're serving beluga
in west chattanooga
where once only french fries were eaten.
"
"she'd been crying.  i asked what upset her.
""i got bit by my friend's irish setter.
we was playin' an' jake
bit my hand by mistake.
mommy kissed it and now it's all better.""
"
"""won't you give me your body, dear claire?
your breasts and your long golden hair!
please give me your nose
and your fingers and toes!""
but she didn't.  she gave me the air.
"
"many females, by hook or by crook,
have displayed that they had what it took
to be boatwomen.  they
are fine captains today.
did you think they're on board just to cook?
"
"though a date with bulimia?  no!
a french restaurant is no way to go.
but instead, you can't beat
a nice all-you-can-eat
sushi bar at ten dollars a throw
"
"some limericks have stresses appalling
yet despite this, they may be my calling.
i tap into my free muse
(the answer is ""emus"")
so who cares if my efforts are galling!
"
"carol's lover must learn to suppress
his flatulence?gas in excess.
there's a product that he
should get a.s.a.p.
with its help, there will beano distress.
"
"want to make lexicographers laugh?
take an immature cow or giraffe,
or a whale in the sea,
then your leg 'neath the knee?
they all go by the same name: a calf.
"
"seeing ""ackerman breast types,"" you wonder,
""what adult site might these be found under?""
it's not porn, though.  the answer:
it deals with breast cancer.
...i assume you regret now your blunder.
"
"don't dwell on years passed or on treasure spent
or contemplate where days of leisure went.
now you've hit your four-oh,
there are perks, as you know,
when your age parallels your bust measurement.
"
"his board was a fiberglass wonder,
but no surfboard's safe when you blunder.
surfer dan went too near
to the rocks by the pier.
it's not water he's now six feet under.
"
"a performer on stage may earn hordes
of admirers, tony awards,
and great fame if he's hot.
then again, if he's not,
it's still sweet to live life on the boards.
"
"things have changed now upon the high seas.
there are paperwork gods to appease.
when a pirate draws near
to board ships, he will hear:
""may i see, sir, your boarding pass please?""
"
"baby showers are trendy, you bet,
'cause of all the neat stuff you can get.
some hauls are astounding!
(despite how it's sounding,
the little ones never get wet.)
"
"baby snatcher!  for grandparents there're
few words that elicit such terror.
let a kidnapper dare
touch my grandsons?i swear
he will soon be regretting his error!
"
"""my wife's in a rented chateau
in bwi, doncha know!
she's going to take a
nice break there."" ""jamaica?""
""oh, no sir! she wanted to go!""
"
"in search of ""an image,"" my stanley,
smoking unfiltered camels (how manly!),
only makes himself ill.
""stan, those cancer sticks kill!
plus they're making your breath smell ashcanly.""
"
"his remarks?  one continual lull
that was boring me out of my skull.
he kept cheating at whist,
so i couldn't resist:
""for a cardsharp, you're awfully dull!""
"
"""is my shape callipygian, dear?
have i got a magnificent rear?""
""just the opposite,  you're
cacopygian, sure,
and your butt's more misshapen each year.""
"
"an aptonym, ringo had guessed,
was a name where one's job is addressed.
had this been the case
for the guy he'd replace,
you'd have known him as pete second-best.
"
"when i'm crossing the lake with my daughter,
we boat using skills that i taught her.
though we've endless potential,
the boating's essential:
we're good, but we can't walk on water.
"
"""farmer dan, your dog died.  that's a shame.""  ""oh,
that's true, but my life's 'same-o, same-o.'""
""you've a new one, i know.""
""yes, b-i-n-g-o.""
(and so ""bingo,"" he says, is its name-o.)
"
"though the spigot says ""cold,"" you get hot,
and the tub that i ""fixed"" leaks a lot.
my unartful dodgery
too often is bodgery,
since handy with tools i am not.
"
"i love amaretto 'cause it's
far more tasty than hominy grits.
and should you like trivia,
this factoid i'll givia:
they make it from apricot pits!
"
"though her bitterleaf soup was reviled,
gramma strolin just served it and smiled.
""these greens are like drugs
'gainst intestinal bugs,
both in humans and chimps in the wild.""
"
"for the african palm squirrel to thrive,
the great rainforests need to survive,
but these rodents today,
i am sorry to say,
hardly ever are spotted alive.
"
"abscondite:  ""abstruse or obscure.""
of this meaning we're plausibly sure.
it's an inkhorn term, yes,
so it's anyone's guess
if this interesting word will endure.
"
"saint barbara, a virgin, resisted
advances by suitors assisted
by dad.  it is said
that he cut off her head
(though she probably never existed).
"
"as we speak, there's a rush to create
so-called ""barbie drugs.""  scientists state
they will give you a tan,
make you ""more of a man,""
and they might even help you lose weight!
"
"many logophiles scream, shake their fists
at amoofl.  the question persists:
please appease curiosity?
why coin this monstrosity
when acronym already exists?
"
"i served left-handed pitcher jim kaat
a liqueur that is called advocaat.
it's like eggnog.  some note
it might help clear your throat.
tell me, what do you think about thaat?
"
"""i'll be needing a c-note first, honey.""
i complied, but she sneered: ""think that's funny?""
so i asked, ""what's the hitch?
i have got perfect pitch.""
(it turns out she was asking for money.)
"
"you claim that you always inspire,
in women, erotic desire.
that's all well and good,
but i think that you should
be aware that your pants are on fire.
"
"herbert aubergine, native of asia,
has morals so strict they'd amaze ya.
then again, there's no lack
of thick hair on his back.
he resembles some ape from malaysia.
"
"there's a seat with the name boatswain's chair,
on a ship, hung from ropes in midair.
it's from this that you mull
your concerns for the hull.
(pray the crew won't forget you're down there!)
"
"the term autopoiesis is when
something makes itself over again,
but the flip side, i guess, is
called allopoiesis,
as practiced by factory men.
"
"""simple numbers are thought of abstract-ly,
like '5' or '10', matter-of-factly.
but consider '3 feet',
where the number's concrete.""
""so the difference is usage?""  ""exactly!""
"
"our echidnas will soon be parental
even though they are both aplacental.
no placentas have they,
which is odd, i would say.
in most mammals they're quite fundamental.
"
"some folks in the sunny bahamas
took to sleeping without their pajamas.
with sex as their goal
(but with no birth control),
they are known now as papas and mamas.
"
"what was eddie arcaro's vocation?
best jockey in all of creation.
he won double renown
with the famed triple crown:
first on whirlaway, then on citation.
"
"i asked, ""are you gonna chain up
your new pomeranian pup?""
for most people of maine,
excess talking's a pain
so he simply responded, ""ayup.""
"
"""with waterbeds, don't be misled!
this mattress is baffled,"" he said.
""i don't mean it's confused,
but that baffles were used.""
but the thing sprang a leak, so we fled.
"
"don's a duck and not overly smart.
he's a boxer who fights as ""black bart.""
though he craves nothing else
but huge championship belts,
he's a canvasback, doomed from the start.
"
"he's a loud bible-basher and so
he might seem christianity's foe,
a devout vigilante,
of gospels, an anti-,
when in fact he's decidedly pro-.
"
"it was clear that our marriage was toast.
to a dalliance or two i'd been host.
maybe three.  perhaps four.
maybe seven or more.
ok, fifteen or twenty, at most!
"
"a bog hole's a pit of soft mud
or of quicksand.  watch out for 'em, bud.
if a toddler or two
should sink into one, you
will cry out, ""this vacation's a dud!""
"
"the press release only said we
had agreed to, in fact, disagree.
so no progress was made,
and as hopes of it fade,
it all sounds like a cop-out to me.
"
"her evening gown, silver and black,
has a boat neck.  (she's proud of her rack!)
running shoulder to shoulder,
it makes my lust smoulder.
it's deep in the front and the back.
"
"when all in the family debuted,
many critics thought archie too rude.
they may have been right,
but each saturday night,
right in front of our sets we were glued.
"
"""gimmie angels on horseback,"" said she,
biddy board, bowl o' red, b &amp; b,
black and white and go break it,""
she added, ""and shake it.
black cow on the side (that's for me).""
"
"i am sorry the bathroom's so smelly.
i was eating swiss cheese and mint jelly.
it was flavorful, quite,
but it didn't sit right.
i was up all night, airing my belly.
"
"for our wedding, my rich uncle davey
(the one overseas with the navy)
two weeks ago wrote,
""i will send you a boat.""
there it is, on the stove, holding gravy.
"
"there's an acne that's called keratosa,
and another, medicamentosa
(the first?horny plugs,
the second?from drugs),
seen from boston to west santa rosa.
"
"what's an animal artist?  he gushes
over portraits of lions and thrushes
and fish in the sea.
(then again, he might be
just a chimp who's been given some brushes.)
"
"is that 007 so hot?
as a spy, does he score?  yeah, a lot!
me, i'm 006.
i'm a flop with the chicks.
you would think i'd be suaver.  (i'm not.)
"
"akihito's a japanese fellow
who, i'm told, plays a pretty mean cello.
he's distinguished, grey-haired,
and it's clear when compared
to his dad, he's decidedly mellow.
"
"this bacillus is not on your skin
or intestinal organs within.
but should you examine it,
this common contaminant
will likely get tossed in a bin.
"
"an antagonym: two definitions
for one word but with opposite missions.
citation is one:
it could mean ""job well done""
or, for lawbreakers, stern admonitions.
"
"the war in iraq, experts think,
is a cesspool in which we will sink.
our plans, they confess
are quite clear: aos
or, in other words, ""all options stink.""
"
"the big news hit the club in a flash:
the butter-and-egg man's a smash!
he's some farmer with dough
who seems eager to blow,
on high livin', great piles of his cash!
"
"raise your hand if you feel that today
the head of each nation should say:
""arms control is the place
we must meet face to face,
ere our asses are all blown away.""
"
"""i ain't never bin aimin' to hurt you.
you know that i'd never desert you.""
clem's words were like honey,
but daisy felt funny,
so still she hangs onto her virtue.
"
"the scots have unusual goals
in their sporting events, bless their souls.
heaving cabers, i'd say,
is unique?only they
think it's fun tossing telephone poles.
"
"two lessons were learned from the strife
that was faced by george bailey and wife.
one: an angel earns wings
every time a bell rings,
and then two: it's a wonderful life.
"
"samuel adams threw tea, so i hear,
in the harbor, then made a career
out of making folks skittish
(the tea-sipping british).
no wonder today he's a beer.
"
"the actorvist (activist actor)
posed for pictures atop a large tractor.
she says we should eat
more whole grains and less meat.
her effect on my life?  not a factor.
"
"bovine spongiform encephalopathy:
when you eat tainted meat, this neuropathy
(bse, if you please,
or just mad cow disease)
can result in a scary monopathy.
"
"""i think the italics look odd,""
said robert. ""i like 'son of god'
without them."" ""that's true.
but it's all up to you.
the decision's all yours, bob,"" i nod.
"
"they called it, in short, beatlemania:
a hysteria deep in the crania
of beatle fanatics
expressed in dramatics
and swooning from maine to albania.
"
"in shakespearean plays you may find
that our william had sex on his mind.
there's the beast with two backs
in a play of three acts:
generation, and darkness, and kind.
"
"they say only a daredevil enters
tornadoes and such at their centers.
with such weather nearby
it's: ""so long, babe!  goodbye!""
i'll be leading the list of absenters.
"
"""the aqua-car! ? now a reality! ?
for the man who demands bimodality!""
(but when making sharp turns,
there are safety concerns.
land or sea, you could be a fatality.)
"
"in one of those grim public scenes,
a mom shrieked at two insolent teens:
""so you think you're so clever?
i swear that you'll never
amount to a damn hill of beans!""
"
"the magician was highly revered,
though his act was decidedly weird.
first he counted to ten,
cried ""babooshka!"" and then,
all at once, all his clothes disappeared!
"
"well, your candidate didn't get picked
and beforehand no one could predict
just how bad the defeat?
oh, good lord, he got beat!
it's an avalanche!  asses were kicked!
"
"we've been buddies since i don't know when,
and for golf we both share the same yen.
but the friendship is off
if just once more you cough
at the top of my backswing again!
"
"the attack occurred tuesday in back
of the shack by the bicycle track.
whack! an accented man
swiped my dark balmacaan.
who jacked my black mac? jacques chirac!
"
"michelangelo antonioni
was born in the land of spumoni.
in his films he takes pains
to see honesty reigns.
it is clear he's no phony-baloney.
"
"we were boondocking, edna and me,
in the woods in our chevy rv.
there's no heat and no power,
no bath and no shower.
it sure ain't the ritz, but it's free.
"
"since the waiter was hairless: ""hey, baldy!""
he came but seemed less than enthralled. he
brought coffee, quite hot,
but his aim?  it was not!
and i left the place dripping and scaldy.
"
"mr. bache loved his monarch, an awful fact
and, during the war, an unlawful act.
let his fame now begin:
he's the only man in
this whole book with the first name theophylact!
"
"if it's apple-pie order you seek
in your life, you've a tidiness streak.
you are known for your utter
abhorrence of clutter.
you're an organizational freak.
"
"selling ice cream's the one thing i know,
and one guideline i learned long ago:
while demand will stay high
all through june and july,
there's no call when it's twenty below.
"
"steve austin's a wrestler, i'm told.
to his fans, he's a god to behold,
but to me it's disgust
i am filled with.  it's just
tv wrestling?it leaves me stone cold.
"
"there's a pancake the danish hold dear:
aebleskiver, not often served here.
not disc-shaped or flat
or like anything that
you have seen in your life?it's a sphere!
"
"going balls to the wall, raymond massey
hit the highway.  first stop: tallahassee.
two days later: nevada.
(this expression has nada
to do with that gentleman's chassis.)
"
"he was calling a dance at the grange,
but the square dancers thought it was strange.
when he tried to improve things
with ""hey, shake your groove things!""
they didn't approve of the change.
"
"the avengers?  i cannot conceal
why this program, to me, was ideal:
not the writing or sets
or cold warrior threats.
i refer to, of course, mrs. peel!
"
"to a mobster's comare you send
lingerie and a love poem you penned.
then you sleep with his bride
with your car right outside?
you are asking for trouble, my friend!
"
"on a cattle drive, often i reaches
for airtights, them canned sons-a-beeches.
i'm a-tellin' you, marvin,
they've kept me from starvin'.
i'm uncommonly fond of them peaches.
"
"you abstupiate mansions, big cars,
and the finest of cuban cigars.
all these things you esteem,
the ""american dream,""
are the reason you're now behind bars.
"
"biomimicry: that's where technology
copies nature, for instance, zoology.
by studying bats
we made sonar, and that's
quite inspired and apt methodology.
"
"acoustic ecology shows
the contact that constantly flows
between us and our sphere
that's perceived though the ear
as opposed to the eye, tongue, or nose.
"
"will the war in iraq ever cease?
or will terror and bloodshed increase?
we must never ignore
that in decades before
there was baghdad, the ""city of peace.""
"
"""only after my posts were withdrawn,
my announcement of absence,"" said shawn,
""was announced, but then i
heard so many reply:
'welcome back!  didn't know you were gone.'""
"
"great theatre, george abbott supplied.
with where's charley? we laughed til we cried.
for damn yankees we rooted
with praise undiluted.
at one hundred and seven, he died.
"
"this expression, for most, means ""to die,""
but for cowboys it's different. here's why:
when a man ""bites the dust""
it's because he has just
left a horse with his boots towards the sky.
"
"to a surgeon i'm forced to consign
my frail mother of seventy-nine.
""though they call me 'the butcher,'
relax, you can putcher
sweet mom in my hands.  she'll be fine!""
"
"9-1-1?  if you're calling it, i'll
bet that help will arrive in a while.
(that's the u. s. of a.;
if you're in the u. k.,
9-9-9 is the number you'd dial.)
"
"surfer dan enjoys surfing while nude.
he was asked, ""what's an aerial, dude?""
he replied, ""that is where
me and board are mid-air.
if i come down in coral, i'm screwed.""
"
"most consumers support advermation,
an info and ad combination.
these same people who hate
pop-up ads as of late
treat these websites with frank admiration.
"
"cities used to spring up around ports.
now these ports are of different sorts.
aerotropoli: centers
with airports one enters.
this new term an old word contorts.
"
"there's bugs bunny, a hare we adore,
daffy duck, who was hard to ignore,
and then pep? le pew
and the road runner too.
mel blanc did these voices and more.
"
"the moose head that's out in the hall
on the floor should be hung on the wall.
i'm quite eager to please,
but for errands like these,
with acratia, i'm no help at all.
"
"an ottoman emperor reckoned
armenians foul, so he beckoned
his army and said,
""i want all of them dead.""
and his name:  abd-ul-hamid ii.
"
"a?a?: a most flavorsome berry.
and high in nutrition?  yes, very!
it's dark purple in hue,
with more calcium, too,
than we're finding in most forms of dairy.
"
"where analogous colors are seen,
such as blue and blue-green and then green,
they will all share a hue
(which in this case is blue)
and include every shade in between.
"
"aspheric means ""almost a sphere,""
like the earth, which is pear-shaped, i hear.
i mean only slightly
and not too unsightly.
the bulge isn't all that severe.
"
"so, big deal!  so you caught the bouquet.
yeah, yer next.  so, whatever, ok.
are you comin'?  enough
with this ""wedding bells"" stuff!
so c'mon, i ain't got all damn day!
"
"urticata is not really acne;
still i hope it'll never attack me.
this allergy comes
to the lowest of bums
and the finest of men, william blackney.
"
"new parts aren't around for this mother.
a '36 chevy?  oh, brother!
and you've two of these guys?
you must cannibalize
parts from one just to fix up the other.
"
"alexandrite is red when it's checked
by the light of a candle, correct?
but in light that's man-made,
blue or green is displayed,
hence the term: alexandrite effect.
"
"a zoologist friend from osaka
wrote a poem in praise of the paca.
but the critics weren't sure?
called his work immature.
""immature!"" he cried, ""that is just ca-ca!""
"
"anti-language, a lexicon muddled,
begins when a fringe group is huddled
together but needs
to express certain deeds
in a way that leaves others befuddled.
"
"affright means ""to terrify greatly,""
a task made more difficult lately
by horror films stark?
no more ""boo!"" in the dark,
which before might have scared us innately.
"
"caesar salad i've ordered, though i'd
much prefer having something that's fried.
still i'm happy to munch
on this healthier lunch
(i'll just have the hot fudge on the side).
"
"alexander (the first name is jason)
played ""costanza,"" although he will hasten
to state that this role
is just part of the whole?
yet a lifetime of ""george"" he's now facin'.
"
"a cardiogram can be handy
for ensuring your heart is jim-dandy.
it's only a test
that your doc might suggest.
it is not a big heart filled with candy.
"
"when i first heard the term carrot cake,
i thought, ""who in their right mind would make
a dessert out of carrots?
perhaps this dish merits
a drink like a nice broccoli shake?""
"
"they washed cars?we sold sodas and wienies.
we wore jeans?they were dressed in bikinis.
why'd their car wash go bad?
their most gorgeous gal had
an appearance much like mussolini's.
"
"the hold-up was in its homestretch.
the stage's gold bars we would fetch.
""throw the cashbox down, clyde!""
and then right 'fore i died,
the last thing that i heard was, ""nice catch!""
"
"you're a snob but you cannot dismiss
a fine japanese timepiece like this.
the name casio means
that you do not know beans;
the best watches don't have to be swiss.
"
"tv's better than ever?  a fable!
if that's so, tell me why i'm unable
to find squat on tv
despite three hundred three
individual channels on cable!
"
"you like tunes in your car?  then equip
it with gear that is modern and hip.
play cassettes or cds,
but avoid all lps.
when your car hits a bump, they will skip.
"
"""auditions!"" she thought, ""such a bother!
i was born to play thomas mapother.""
the casting director
was sure to select her.
(she'd slept with both him and his father.)
"
"to catch and release means not keeping
the fish, large or small, that you're reaping?
it's more sporting, they say
(though some guys deal this way
with the women with whom they are sleeping).
"
"afebrile means ""having no fever,""
in a human or golden retriever.
if a nurse comes to say
that your temp is ok
and you're fine, hell, you oughta believe her!
"
"my first paying gig was a mall.
crowds were thin and the paycheck was small.
i don't mind, though.  the fact is
with years of hard practice,
i hope to play carnegie hall.
"
"""how much does it carry?"" i'm told
is the same as, ""how much does it hold?""
when you're speaking of tankers
with 20-ton anchors
and freight that is closely controlled.
"
"the life of a farmer?  a breeze!
so i thought till i tried it?pul-eeze!
a fine cash crop is what
i had planned to raise, but
sadly, money does not grow on trees.
"
"college football?  we're grossly mismatched
and our coach will, i'm sure, be dispatched.
every run's like a crawl
when we carry the ball.
every pass that we throw goes uncatched.
"
"as a teen, i was quite pusillanimous,
but my in-laws-to-be were magnanimous.
my motion to marry
their daughter, i'd carry.
and the vote, i declare, was unanimous!
"
"i remember an argument once
where my wife made me feel like a dunce:
""do you think that just maybe
you'd hold your own baby?
i carried that child for nine months!""
"
"a conservative newsstand, it's clear,
grows more zealously right-wing each year.
when i asked if they'd read
humpty dumpty, they said,
""we don't carry pornography here!""
"
"a newspaper carried results
of a poll of three thousand adults.
it seems most were afraid
of decisions bush made
more than cancer or gangsters or cults.
"
"what is eighteen plus fifteen?  let's see.
eight plus five is thirteen.  you agree?
mark down ""three"" (we're half done)
and then carry the one.
that's three ones for ten each: thirty-three.
"
"ralph branca, a pitcher of note,
is best known from a sportscaster's quote.
through a twelve-year career
he brought brooklyn fans cheer,
though today he's recalled as a goat.
"
"mr. bentham enjoyed a vernacular
(""i'm taking my antejentacular
circumgyrations"")
with linguistic creations
of pomposity truly spectacular.
"
"while you wait, on a surfboard astraddle,
some surfer chick, scantily clad'll
appear close behind,
so what plan comes to mind?
backpaddle!  backpaddle!  backpaddle!
"
"strolin's mother, a painting i've done
after whistler, i'm sorry, has none
of its model's allure,
so i signed it ""from your,
i admit, unoriginal son.""
"
"what is catchy?  i'd say things like these:
clever slogans constructed to please,
sappy tunes that you find
day and night on your mind,
and then, last but not least, stds.
"
"catfish noodling, it's true, is a sport
of the strange, unbelievable sort.
with your fingers as bait,
for a bite you will wait
in the holes where the catfish cavort.
"
"like a cross between tetris and chess,
cathedral is bound to impress.
as a game, it's inspired!
perception's required,
not to mention great guile and finesse.
"
"the public, it's frequently shown,
will believe any lies they are thrown.
when they're told how to think,
no one raises a stink.
friggin' cattle?no minds of their own!
"
"our diagonal neighbors are pompous
and are snidely suggesting they'll stomp us
and turn us askew,
but they're nuts in my view
when they speak of their pet catawampus.
"
"a cave-to-cave salesman named quinn
pitched a brand new invention: the ""pin.""
in 12,000 b.c.,
this guy walks up to me
and says, ""hi!  is the cavewoman in?""
"
"a drug smuggling friend of mine, keith,
wears loose clothes with the drugs underneath.
""won't a cavity check
blow your plans all to heck?""
""no, why should it?  i've got perfect teeth.""
"
"an engineer genius, mcgrath,
said, ""caltech taught me all about math.
students there will excel
in all science as well.
now the world, to my door, beats a path.""
"
"films with knights?  i'm an avid consumer!
but i've heard a remarkable rumor:
is it true those at camelot
ate ham, jam, and spam a lot?
(of course not.  that's pythonesque humor.)
"
"are you taking amphetamines, eddie?
you've been talking for three hours steady!
shut your cake hole, you bore!
just shut up!  say no more!
do you follow me?  can it, already!
"
"there's some money i'd like to acquire
that's made by canadian tire.
it's not counterfeit, eh?
you can use it to pay
for whatever you find in their flyer.
"
"i feel like an absolute dunce
when the lines sound like mumbles and grunts.
robert altman, director,
was not an objector
to everyone speaking at once.
"
"the math students made their selection
and axes to grind seemed perfection,
but the film's form of grinding
just led them to finding
new sense to the term ""intersexion.""
"
"a large box made of cardboard, plus foam,
could be used to ship crystal to rome.
it can also be for
storing memories, or,
if you're out on the streets, home sweet home.
"
"with this war, no one knows what awaits us.
'round the world, every leader berates us.
we eat ""freedom fries,""
say to hell with allies,
and then wonder why everyone hates us.
"
"stop your shouting!  stop shaking your fists!
the canal zone no longer exists.
it's all panama now;
let's look forward (yet how
my sweet longing for past times persists).
"
"people poolside will watch me arrive
and they'll groan?i weigh 385.
my goal is to get
every one of 'em wet.
yeah, the cannonball's my kinda dive!
"
"""give me four baconburgers with cheese
and a large side of fries, if you please.""
lots of salt, lots of fat,
lots of sweets and all that?
what's the final result?  heart disease.
"
"there's a unit of measurement, see?
it holds 42 gallons of ""tea""
of the texas variety,
but in boozy society,
a barrel of beer?  43!
"
"carbon neutral refers to the way
that we try to keep balance today
in our world's carbon stats.
it's a ""green"" issue.  that's
what the folks at the oad say.
"
"your uncouthness is driving me nuts!
can't you see that's a candy dish, klutz?
it's for holding the sweets
that a proper guest eats?
not for putting out cigarette butts!
"
"i have hopes the oedilf will go far,
making every oedilfer a star.
we will know we've arrived
when it's somehow contrived
that we've each got our own candy bar.
"
"a candy man used to sell sweets,
but this entrepreneur now competes
with a new ""candy man""
with a marketing plan
that involves more felonious treats.
"
"the concept that's called antiquarianism
won't always support proletarianism.
the person who seeks
just the finest antiques
may reject those reflecting barbarianism.
"
"i look good for my age (53),
so i wrote britney spears: ""marry me?""
but her lawyers replied
she would not be my bride.
no big deal, what the hell, c'est la vie.
"
"""i love carnival time,"" said consuela,
""in caracas, my home?such a gala!
it's the capital city
columbus called pretty,
a description of all venezuela!""
"
"""a cardroom is not a casino,""
claims phillip raoul tarentino.
""they're for games that take skill,
such as poker,"" says phil,
""not for games based on chance such as keno.""
"
"""hey, ace!"" called ace journalist grace,
""did you ace your exam on deep space?""
""it was tough, i confess,
but the answer is yes!
my ace almost gave me an ace!""
"
"some limericks rhyme moon, june, and spoon
til i want to escape to canc?n,
where the women are plenty
and muy caliente,
each crooning a mexican tune.
"
"the pair underwent bifurcation,
and george was reborn a dalmatian.
in his new life he's snug,
but now martha's a slug.
oh, the wonders of reincarnation!
"
"since my dishwasher's gone on the fritz,
i get help from rudolfo, my spitz.
he will catillate plates
though this grosses out dates,
since the process gives onlookers fits.
"
"to my union i said, ""take a hike!
you can't make me do things i don't like.
for a raise in my pay
i must picket?  no way!""
i'm pro-union and yet anti-strike.
"
"i'm told aerotherapeutics is where
you can cure a disease with fresh air.
or else you can do it
when you add something to it,
like your scent (i feel great!) when you're there.
"
"cafeteria catholics may say
that premarital sex is ok.
the devout they disdain,
but church leaders maintain
one's religion is not a buffet.
"
"with anaphrodisia, each night
brings a chance to feel shamed and contrite.
though it's been many months,
i was passionate once.
(now i've too many limericks to write!)
"
"""to air rappel,"" once said a wit,
""you don't need special gear in your kit.""
my great-aunt marie
did this monday when she
quite by accident fell down a pit.
"
"as riddles go, this one's a cinch:
what can carry our oil, in a pinch,
over hundreds of miles
'cross the vast british isles
without moving, in essence, an inch?
"
"says our president: ""peace will come faster
in iraq with the u.s. as master.""
let me caveat that:
mr. bush is a prat.
we're quite possibly bound for disaster.
"
"at the cavern club, rockers had fun.
on november the 9th, '61,
it was there epstein met
an amazing quartet.
before long they were second to none.
"
"you're adorable, graceful, unique,
multi-talented, generous, chic,
kindly, honest, sincere,
loved, respected, and dear!
(adjectivally?that's how i speak.)
"
"i warned you that something would happen!
such carelessness sure does a chap in.
you wanted to snooze;
now your free time you lose.
you just can't let your wife catch you nappin'!
"
"caught stealing?  with cameras about?
for your crime, you'll go ""in"" without doubt.
you were trying to steal
second base?  no big deal!
for that crime, you're not ""in""; you're just out.
"
"now your privates you're growing some hair on,
you think that you'd like an affair on
some whim, but be wise
when you're dealing with guys,
because caution's the side you should err on.
"
"said the mayor, on being elected:
""a monument must be erected
to encourage the viewing
of names of those doing
above and beyond what's expected.""
"
"in this candlelight, darling, you glow,
and your features enchant me, just so.
then again, i'm not sure,
since the light's so obscure
in this room?how the hell would i know?
"
"i live in what's called the ""big smoke""
with non-rural and citified folk.
we're tough and we're gritty
and love the big city,
and will til the day that we croak.
"
"if you're clever with test tubes, you've lab sense.
you take picketers' jobs?  you've got scab sense.
but if you should pause
just to ponder the cause
of your heart getting fonder, that's absence.
"
"their speed caused the crash, one assumes,
that put martha and george in their tombs.
since their deaths, they now dwell?
like all speeders?in hell.
(george requested [and got!] separate rooms.)
"
"oh, my god!  we've been robbed!  what the hell?
they took everything easy to sell!
the computer, tv,
vcr, the a/c,
and they took the damn watchdog as well!
"
"""pickled flower buds gone!""  i will tape her
account of the theft for my paper.
this canaveral mrs.
cries, ""what a crime this is!""
we'll name it ""the cape caper caper.""
"
"banner blindness, in short, means that your
website banner's a cinch to ignore.
blinking arrows point to it,
but i'm looking right through it.
it was eye-catching once, but no more.
"
"cavatelli are bullet-shaped, yes?
they're a pasta i love, i confess!
some will say they're the ones
shaped like small hot dog buns
(the less violent types, i would guess).
"
"apple shaker?  that's more than a breeze.
it's a storm just as strong as you please.
the term has this sense:
it's for winds so intense
that the apples are blown off their trees.
"
"its advocates scream ""caveman diet!""
and logic demands that i try it,
but no twinkies, burritos,
cheese pizza, or fritos?
i'm sorry, i just cannot buy it.
"
"i love cackle fruit, scrambled or fried,
with a few greasy links on the side.
said my doctor, ""you need
fewer eggs in your feed.""
""oh, i'm eating more tofu,"" i lied.
"
"i've delayed today's battle for hours.
my men tremble; the general glowers.
we're not cowardly, we're
primed to fight, but not here!
anthophobic, we're frightened of flowers.
"
"now in jail, the abusive don porters
had damaged his skis in rough waters.
after casting around
for replacements, he found
he could ski on the backs of his daughters.
"
"there's a soldier, depressed and distraught
since forgetting the condoms he'd bought.
this lieutenant, named clancy,
had caught a girl's fancy
(but that wasn't all that he caught).
"
"our last cavalry charge had been beaten.
in a rout, it went down in defeat in
the philippines.  then,
in the siege, once again
horses came to our aid... they were eaten.
"
"it's true that i'm far from athletic.
my play in most sports?  it's pathetic!
but i never complain
since i feel, in the main,
that i'm better than that?i'm poetic!
"
"""i went ass-over-apex,"" i grumble.
that kind of a fall makes you humble.
people think i'm a goof?
well, i just gave them proof
after such a spectacular tumble.
"
"mel allen was brilliant at fighting
off boredom in baseball, inviting
the fans of new yawk
to tune in?hear him talk.
even dull games he made sound exciting.
"
"unwisely, a couple canoed
while undressed.  their canoe was pursued
by a cannibal tribe,
and their end i'll describe:
they were nude, viewed as lewd, stewed, and chewed.
"
"folks in acva consult with pathologists,
and they're trained to be horse pharmacologists.
there's a great wealth of knowledge
at the american college
of veterinary anesthesiologists!
"
"when the shuttle blasts off into space,
there's no chance that the astronauts face
any kidnapping threat
because nasa has set
antihijack procedures in place.
"
"an action game may feature fighting,
or the stealing of cars (how exciting!),
or war scenes chaotic,
or monsters psychotic.
i don't find this b.s. inviting.
"
"you know cabbage patch kids were once ""in,""
and the source of much marketing din.
angry parents all griped:
""overpriced!  overhyped!""
and, what's more, they were ugly as sin.
"
"so, you want cows to move double quick?
get a cattle prod.  that does the trick!
choose the one with a buzz?
it's electric?because
if it's not, all you've got is a stick.
"
"an ""african penguin""?  i doubt it!
the jungles, i'm sure, are without it.
but my sister insists
that it really exists,
and she sends me this book all about it.
"
"raise the sales tax to bring in some dough
for equipment to deal with the snow?
better schools?  cleaner air?
wider streets?  bus repair?
mindless cave people always vote ""no!""
"
"""she's a caulbearer,"" doctors advised,
""coming into existence disguised.""
once the birth veil is lifted,
if she grows to be gifted,
we won't be the least bit surprised.
"
"there are sports fans insistently branding
cap anson a racist, demanding
we do not forget
his foul actions, and yet
many records he set are still standing.
"
"art historians rightly applaud
cave paintings of horses abroad,
pre-historically done.
then again, there is one
of a chevy that's prob'ly a fraud.
"
"caundle marsh (northwest dorset) is great
if it's crowds and confusion you hate.
the last census was done
back in 2001.
population: a cool 58.
"
"a hairstyle in wild disarray?
""that's a bed head,"" today's young folk say.
""it's not easy,"" one said,
""looking fresh out of bed.
it took hours to get it this way.""
"
"i'm a bushbuck.  pretend you're one too.
i say, ""hey, i am just passing through.""
do you fight for your land?
pitch a fit?  take a stand?
territorial?  no, that's not you.
"
"cave crickets consume themselves when
they run all out of food, now and then.
if they lack other remedies,
they'll eat their extremities
even though they won't grow back again.
"
"i'm sick of this horrible war,
and i long for how life was before:
to see newspapers printin'
how president clinton
was caught with his pants down once more.
"
"while playing a gig in aruba
and combining my fondness for scuba,
i sang underwater
with neptune's fair daughter,
accomp'nied by a blowfish on tuba.
"
"rick or lazlo?  the choice would afflict her
until bogey was forced to evict her.
when he spoke about love,
it was her he spoke of,
yet they both knew she'd take off with victor.
"
"armchair pilots are those who don't fly,
so the air force must bid them goodbye.
if your skills as a flyer
aren't what they desire,
you shouldn't ""set foot"" in the sky.
"
"in havana, i saw some graffiti
presenting a plaintive entreaty.
looking back, not ahead,
heavy-hearted, it said:
""fidel castro, aged eight, was a sweetie!""
"
"representative w. blackney
learned to drive, one might guess, in a hackney.
sure, he served general motors
and michigan voters,
but his name makes a great rhyme for acne!
"
"foidle high has a small auditorium
sharing space with the school crematorium.
(that's what kids call the place
where 'round noon they say grace
and eat lunch.)  it's the school cafetorium.
"
"donald rhem, the new head of gm,
said, ""that putz down in legal's a gem!
i'm sure that this jerk'll
use ?
where it actually should be ?!""
"
"feeding cows every day?  it's exhausting!
i use cattle cakes, handy, but costing
me more every year.
i'll go bankrupt, i fear.
at these prices, they oughta get frosting!
"
"what's a cattle call?  that's an audition
where everyone's given permission
to dance, act, or sing.
what do most people bring?
not much talent, but loads of ambition!
"
"i can hear a distinct caverniloquy:
a resonant, low pectoriloquy.
with my ear to your chest,
what's the part i like best?
your rendition of hamlet's soliloquy.
"
"peanut butter and marshmallow fluff?
what a sandwich!  i can't get enough!
but with canisters mixed,
the last treat that i fixed?
peanut butter on rye bread with snuff.
"
"""cease fire!"" cried general spode.
""let's adopt a more peacekeeping mode!
we've been fighting too long.
war's inherently wrong!
(and besides, we need time to reload.)""
"
"there's a group, cfa, i've heard tell,
raising cattle, and poultry as well.
they raise corn.  they raise beans.
they raise all kinds of greens.
but the one thing they don't raise is hell.
"
"i hunger for road kill and mud,
and to drink, i might sip my own blood.
""s.o.s."" is ideal
if both s's are real.
i've got allotriophagy, bud!
"
"i am told it's an act of futility
declaring my own ascendability
to the throne of the pope.
am i catholic?  nope!
and this fact's a distinct liability.
"
"cave hyenas have long been extinct.
in describing them, let's be succinct:
many fossils today
are in england, but they
to their african kin have been linked.
"
"the bc/b.c. bc, bc from
b.c., had as judge bc b.c.  some,
like b-c, cried ""bc!
that bc lacks bc.
bc!  this ain't no bc bc, chum!""
"
"you've a bontebok?  goodness, take care!
this south african antelope's rare!
with its dark reddish coat
and white rump, you should note,
when you walk it your neighbors will stare.
"
"edith cavell was guilty, it's true.
she'd helped hundreds of soldiers get through
and escape from the hun
to survive world war one.
then in death, she helped england anew.
"
"someone celebrated's honored or famous?
not your run-of-the-mill ignoramus.
for example there's cher,
or perhaps smokey bear,
or that chocolate chip cookie guy amos.
"
"blond capuchin: a monkey so new
there's not one, as of yet, in a zoo.
it was out in the sticks
of brazil in '06
that this charmer first came into view.
"
"if you're looking to buy marijuana
or to purchase, perhaps, an iguana,
it's not pesos, my friend,
that you're going to spend;
you'll need cedis when shopping in ghana.
"
"the absolute ceiling's the height
that a plane horizontal in flight
can maintain.  if the flyer
should try to go higher
it's not certain he'll crash, but he might.
"
"the tufted capuchin's no fool.
he has learned to use rocks as a tool
to break open hard nuts,
so, no ifs, ands, or buts,
this behavior's so human, it's cool!
"
"a weeper capuchin confessed,
""hey, my life in the jungle's the best!
in the treetops each day
i will eat, sleep, and play,
yet my cry sounds as if i'm depressed!""
"
"""cease loading"": an order bestowed
upon men while in warmaking mode.
more than simply ""cease fire,""
it's one level higher:
""don't shoot and don't even reload.""
"
"at the desert-based palace called caesars
are showgirls who're famed as crowd pleasers.
you may see them, perhaps,
in the grey, lifeless laps
of astoundingly wealthy old geezers.
"
"all the fans of john candy agree
he was brilliant on sctv.
later on as a bona
fide star, his persona
as lovable loser was key.
"
"i've decided to make up a batch
of delectable cupcakes from scratch.
i think chocolate will do.
i'll need eggs, one or two,
and a cake mix from pillsbury, natch!
"
"the capuchins called white-faced excel
in intelligence?service, as well.
the handicapped choose them,
organ grinders would use them,
and on friends, there's the role of ""marcel.""
"
"with astronavigation, the stars
lead me home after visiting bars.
i've had too much to drink,
but i'm lucky, i think,
since my home's just three blocks beneath mars.
"
"""pauly's all-you-can-eat""?that's my style!
filling up on the cheap makes me smile.
i have servings galore,
seconds, thirds, fourths, and more.
(it's a pity the food is so vile.)
"
"callisia: some kinda plant.
i'd like to say more but i can't.
while i could be immersed
in this subject, well-versed,
i would first need a government grant.
"
"the calendographer toiled unencumbered
late at night while the rest of us slumbered.
his work showed categorically
our days, metaphorically,
and otherwise, surely are numbered.
"
"three calcographers went out to play
after school on an overcast day.
while their artwork was sweet
as it covered the street,
soon the rains came and washed it away.
"
"barefoot betty expressed agitation
and shock as she cried out, ""damnation!""
she'd been walking where cows
had been set out to browse,
and she stepped in a pile of cacation.
"
"obscure terms?  yes, i know quite a few,
and i'm happy to share them with you.
while to some it's a bore,
i'm celebrious for
using large words where small ones will do.
"
"two capuchins, despite interference
from man, have shown great perseverance.
the black-striped and the black
both like fruit for a snack.
both have names that befit their appearance.
"
"""it's a bunkhouse that's mobile,"" says bruce,
""for canadian lumberjacks' use.
with no train tracks in sight,
we will sleep there at night
in that structure that's called a caboose.""
"
"like a scene from the dark middle ages,
the ""sport"" known as wrestling engages
two actors who ""fight""
in a cage match tonight
because wrestling looks better in cages!
"
"he thought he was sharp and efficient,
but in overblown speech was proficient.
he'd always concur,
""that's affirmative, sir!""
when a ""yes"" would be more than sufficient.
"
"an elegant dance floor is where
yours truly has nary a prayer.
with my two left feet stumbling,
each movement is humbling.
it's clear that i'm no fred astaire.
"
"a person can carry disease
but then still seem as fine as you please.
you've got to be wary:
the next typhoid mary
could reach you with only a sneeze.
"
"uncle maxwell is going to die,
and a lifetime of drinking is why.
an unreachable goal
from his youth took its toll.
ads had told him: ""drink canada dry.""
"
"send a candygram?  here's what you do:
choose your sweets, then a text.  ""i love you""
as a message is great,
but ""you're putting on weight""?
probably not, though undoubtedly true.
"
"so you floss with this stuff, do ya, paul?
it's a candy, i seem to recall.
do you like dental drills,
and huge dentistry bills,
and a smile that's appalling to all?
"
"as units of measurement go,
here's a fact that i bet you don't know:
four bags (of cement)
will together present
one full barrel wrapped up with a bow.
"
"his calls were the envy of all
when he mimicked each bird, large or small.
his fate will attest
that his birdcalls were best:
hunters shot him and killed him last fall.
"
"i pay extra for caller id
since a screen on my phone lets me see
just who's calling.  my mum?
sure, i'll take it.  but from
telemarketers always i'm free.
"
"computer consultant michelle
is a whiz when she speaks 4gl.
but she says, ""i done good,""
and she writes, ""programs wood
do much beter, im sure."" what the hell?!
"
"on my error, all day i have brooded.
the seller must think me deluded!
""4-dr in your ad
means 'four-door'? oh, my bad!
i had read that: 'four doctors included.'""
"
"my favorite nosh?  yep, you guessed it!
with baba ghanoush i'm obsessed.  it
is heaven to eat,
but the main thing?  this treat
makes me smile every time i request it!
"
"acquired immunodeficiency
syndrome displays a proficiency
for cutting lives short,
and it's sad to report
that for cures, there's complete insufficiency.
"
"when we say that a person's between
two stools, what the hell do we mean?
this phrase is applied
when you cannot decide
what to do when two choices are seen.
"
"it's a slander, i tells ya, dagnabbit!
you can't say that i makes it a habit
to claim lou costello
(the overweight fellow)
was straight man to comic bud abbott!
"
"on our first date: ""canst thou milk a cow?
canst thou work with a team and a plow?""
she's both perky and pretty,
but i live in the city,
so a second date?  doubtful, somehow.
"
"the carnival crowd loved my mother.
she had a huge beard (like my brother)
and large breasts.  she was ""queen
of betwixt and between,""
not completely one sex or the other.
"
"writing limericks, i'd say, can take guts,
since we sit every day on our butts
writing more upon more
brilliant poetry (or
we are all certifiably nuts!).
"
"the capuchin they call yellow-breasted
as a group has been sadly arrested.
that their problems began
with the influx of man
is a fact that has gone uncontested.
"
"i've got acid bumps, clearly you see.
no, it's not 'cause i take lsd!
my toad-like complexion
reflects a connection
'tween grapefruit, tomatoes, and me.
"
"i would call him a flea-bitten cur,
or an imbecile if you'd prefer.
i would call him a fool
or a dolt, as a rule.
(to his face, of course, mostly it's ""sir."")
"
"adyghe is what's spoken by maids
out in georgia.  long garlands and braids
are the custom as they,
""gussied up,"" as they say,
go to cheer adyghe pride parades.
"
"angelina is known to be ""easy.""
take board games.  she loves strip parcheesi!
if games bore you, i'd say with
no doubt those you play with
are all insufficiently sleazy.
"
"in his bed are no lovers, no wife.
he avoids cutting meat with a knife.
he won't surf, drive, or fly,
bat a ball, or get high,
and through cautiousness leads a dull life.
"
"there's a coffee that bullfighters say
is their favorite out mexico way:
not the kind that is black
like a bull on attack,
but with milk known as cafe ol?.
"
"she said, ""call me,"" but later i wondered:
could it possibly be that i blundered?
she struck me as shy
and demure, so then why
does her phone number start with ""900-""?
"
"a friend of mine just bought a cabbit.
it's a hybrid: part cat and part rabbit.
he's an idiot, true,
so i told him, ""if you
see a jackalope, rush out and grab it!""
"
"andretti, supressing a smirk'll
admit any lead-footed jerk'll
earn fans driving 'round
and around and around
and around and around in a circle.
"
"bypass doors will slide right past each other,
since where you have one, there's another.
in small homes, they save space,
like that minuscule place
where you put (you cheap bastard) your mother.
"
"you may call it a sonnet, although it
has added-on writing below it.
but your words, i submit,
must be written to fit
in the format that's set, or you'll blow it,
and reveal you're not much of a poet!
"
"caudipteryx?was it a bird
or a dinosaur?  details are blurred.
from the evidence, i
say this thing couldn't fly,
and all scientists since have concurred.
"
"as a teen, i once ""borrowed"" dad's 'vette
for a date on the beach with georgette.
we were drunk on his gin
when the high tide came in.
did i catch hell that evening?  you bet!
"
"one son died in a hand grenade blast,
while two other sons both breathed their last
wearing bombs.  i avow
you should love your kids now,
'cause it's true that they blow up so fast.
"
"doctor weepy, the famed sentimentalist,
was, in speech and in outlook, the gentlest.
""if i may, it's like this:
life is all hit or miss.""
fans cried out, ""you're a damn accidentalist!""
"
"as i told the museum curator,
""as a sculptor, there's nobody greater.
i'm still boasting the stone,
so just leave me alone!
it'll look like your grandmother later.""
"
"now my novel's a hit, it's a fact:
every bum in the world i attract!
each one claims that my gem
was inspired by them,
as they try to get in on the act.
"
"southeastern missouri's appeal?
for soybeans, the land is ideal.
called the ""bootheel,"" you know,
it's ""boot heel"" even though
you would think that it should be ""boo-theel.""
"
"quite a few intellectual snobs
will cite comics as reading for slobs.
i say some stand apart
in both text and in art,
and the best of them?  calvin and hobbes!
"
"tracy caulkins, it's easy to see,
as a swimmer was all she could be.
what's exceedingly cool,
when she last left the pool,
were the records she held: 63.
"
"i was feeling more terror than lust
when two breasts through my doorway were thrust.
five feet tall, four feet wide,
they were pushing inside,
and then someone cried out, ""it's a bust!""
"
"it's a fifty-pound bundle of joy
that the harbor would like to employ
as a maritime sign.
'twas delivered just fine,
so congrats, mr. smith, it's a buoy!
"
"kate swears she means no disrespect to me,
but her overtures don't seem correct to me.
she's got chutzpah, it's clear;
for my birthday last year
she got me an adenoidectomy.
"
"""hey, beanpole!""  (my dad called me that.)
""you're as thin as your little league bat!""
i confess that i miss
hearing nicknames like this.
(there are others they use when you're fat....)
"
"lasting peace takes finesse; war is cruder.
take the plane that they call the intruder.
the a-6 will prevail
after peace forums fail.
if your plans involve bombs, you'll include 'er.
"
"the ancient of days is the guy
you will meet, if you're good, when you die.
he's called ""god,"" ""supreme being,""
""jehovah,"" ""all-seeing,""
""that big vip in the sky.""
"
"i was interviewed then by this schmuck up
in hr, mr. steele, really stuck up.
it is not the bq
(or ""best qualified"") who
will be hired, i'm sure.  it's the suck-up.
"
"there once was an art thief named liam.
in all the best galleries you'd see him.
abstract art was his lust
and his racket.  it's just
what he did from a local museum.
"
"ol' man custis has answered the call
that none can forever forestall.
he was shot, the poor schmuck,
all dressed up like a duck
on his way to a masquerade ball.
"
"says a stockbroker friend, honest jacques,
""all your money's in bonds?  what a crock!
you want dividends floating
to benchmarks we're noting.
buy adjustable-rate preferred stock!""
"
"the needles, it's true, were provoking
slight pain and i thought, ""is he joking?
he's putting these pins
in my shoulders and shins,
and this stops me in some way from smoking?""
"
"two nine-year-olds, sucking on slurpees,
were discussing the study of cerpies
when, digressing, one said,
""though they're things people dread,
you know canker sores aren't caused by herpes.""
"
"a person who's very athletic
might use an adiaphoretic.
it helps prevent sweat
so you're not soaking wet,
and on dates life remains copacetic.
"
"with a child, you just can't be abusive.
make your praise for him steady, effusive.
the love that he feels
when with family he deals
must be total, sincere, all-conclusive.
"
"william shakespeare, to me, is abstruse.
with palaver each play is profuse.
how do i understand
this inscrutable man?
my cliffsnotes get plenty of use.
"
"the atomic bomb dome in japan
is a shrine to the power of man
to tear down and destroy,
when our nukes we employ,
or to bring about peace if we can.
"
"every year, we're all-city. that's great!
still, more prominent kudos await.
as the best team in town,
we have local renown,
but with luck we'll be making all-state.
"
"""as an adjective,"" lectured my pa,
""all-in-one could describe your dear ma:
cook and nurse and chauffeur,
household entrepreneur.
as a noun, it's her girdle and bra.""
"
"at a doorway, a dastardly deed
is to let someone else take the lead.
if you think you're a cutie,
say, ""age before beauty,""
while letting the other proceed.
"
"he's an afternoon farmer, it's clear:
sleeping late, goofing off, drinking beer.
my judgment empirical?
it'll be a damn miracle
if crops on his farm should appear.
"
"an activist can be confusing
or even, at best, quite amusing;
he's sure to perplex ya
when due to dyslexia
it's ""make love, not raw"" he's enthusing.
"
"the man on third base? yeah, he scored.
and the pitcher? he's out of his gourd!
he just issued (the ass!)
an intentional pass
with three runners already aboard!
"
"an anachronism's somewhat a botch
in a film that is less than top notch.
it's when time's out of whack,
like a jazz age big mac
or a caveman who's wearing a watch.
"
"the androcles tale packs a punch
in its moral, but i've got a hunch
that the slave was a winner
and not lion dinner
'cause the beast had had roman for lunch.
"
"while wooing my girlfriend lavinia
in a country southeast of sardinia,
i said, ""you'll allow
it's 'ethiopia' now.""
then i added ""so long, abyssinia!""
"
"an achievement age, teachers will state,
is a benchmark that's used to relate
how your child will progress
as life's tasks they assess:
walk by one, count at four, swear by eight.
"
"my employees have grown disobedient.
their removal would be most expedient.
i'll serve them all donuts
one day when i go nuts,
with arsenic the active ingredient.
"
"don't send candy.  don't bother with flowers.
don't talk sexy for hours and hours.
ablutophilia means
i dig soapier scenes:
i'm turned on both by baths and by showers.
"
"with three daughters in medical school,
i subsist on the cheap, as a rule.
just akamu i eat
(cold, to save on the heat).
it's a type of nigerian gruel.
"
"ensign espie (her friends call her sally)
says cooking is right up her alley.
toothsome treats she'll produce
from within her caboose.
(that's the area now called the galley.)
"
"abundantia: goddess of luck.
pray to her and you might make a buck.
if you often play keno
at a local casino,
there's a name for you, friend, and that's schmuck!
"
"as old as a pillar corinthian,
she opens the mind labyrinthian
to things never seen,
and her skin's even green!
my lover is truly absinthian.
"
"if ever i needed more proof
that your dad is an absolute goof,
his foolish insistence
on a pose of absistence ?
he's a schmuck when he stands so aloof.
"
"george anson, brit naval commander,
was addressing his men with great candor.
he said to them ""i'm
gonna suck on a lime.
beat scurvy and life will be grander.""
"
"it doesn't take wisdom rabbinic,
and forgive me for being a cynic,
but where's your remorse?
if you're that far off course,
i'd say get those poor dogs to aclinic.
"
"is an alpenhorn long?  i'd say very!
for the swiss, they are quite necessary.
they are used to arouse
and then bring home the cows,
since of banjos they tend to be wary.
"
"if the spot you are in is quite dire,
and it's certain you soon will expire,
then ""aim!"", it is clear,
is the word you might hear
after ""ready!"" and just before ""fire!""
"
"aeolistic's when somebody's talking
and talking and talking and talking
and talking and talking
and talking and talking
and talking and talking and talking!
"
"though he may seem insufferably snooty,
an aesthete believes it's his duty
(more so, it's his fate)
to each day cultivate
a heightened awareness of beauty.
"
"in preserves, there's a wildlife fantasia
and the number of beasts will amaze ya.
it's africa. oh,
and as continents go,
the only one bigger is asia.
"
"on the bench, justice sandra o'connor
is savvy. jive won't work upon her.
so save your ""my beauty,""
your ""sweet hot patootie,""
and address her as simply ""your honor.""
"
"two tailors had taken a chance
when my record they chose to advance.
their marketing ploy
is a winner. oh, boy!
an album with two pair of pants!
"
"as a boss, you might face the hostility
of a work crew not known for docility,
so keep open your door
for this purpose, no more:
the appearance of accessibility.
"
"from a nightmare of death i'd awoken.
i'd ignored this grave warning he'd spoken:
""avoid, all you snackers,
those animal crackers
if you see that the seal has been broken.""
"
"""i climb the rope ladder,"" said fred.
i said, ""no, you ascend it, instead.
it's also well known
you do this to a throne
if your father, once king, now is dead.""
"
"it's the night before christmas; i'm tired!
yet with eight cups of coffee, i'm wired.
in the depths of despair,
like all parents, i swear:
""damn that claus ? 'some assembly required'!""
"
"in high school, i earned me a letter
and sewed it myself on my sweater.
when they said, ""that's askew.""
i said, ""what's it to you?
i askew, could you've done any better?""
"
"two marriages i have ""survived,""
though i know that sounds somewhat contrived.
now if j-lo would say
we'll be married someday?
then i'd feel that i'd finally arrived.
"
"my doctor treats boils unmethodically.
in fact, he prescribes (idiotically)
the wildest array
of strange cures, so i say,
""why not deal with them antibiotically?""
"
"the oedilf, that omnificent versery,
for talent provides a great nursery.
we grow and we thrive
and come may of '05
we will have us our first anniversary.
"
"an advance man's prime job: intervene
in the weeks 'fore his candidate's seen.
he grapples with airlines,
diminishing hairlines,
and every detail in between.
"
"a reviewer of books may embark
on a search for a witty remark
for a work he adores
that is not yet in stores.
in the publishing flood, it's an arc.
"
"playing soccer at 90's your goal?
well, caducity will take its toll.
in old age, your physique
will grow feeble and weak.
it's all largely beyond your control.
"
"along with your muscle tone waning,
caducity means you'll be straining
to recall simple facts
(""what's your name?  where's my ax?"")
in the time that you've got left remaining.
"
"when jeanette and i cuddle up snugly
(i mean real close, like ""bugs-in-a-rugly""),
her unusual dread
means a bag's on my head.
cacophobia: fear of the ugly.
"
"as dean martin once said to stan laurel,
""bare your butt and i'll give you no quarrel.
since no judgments apply,
when your moon hits my eye
like a big pizza pie, that's amoral.""
"
"anastasia, the czar's youngest daughter,
escaped, some believe, the cruel slaughter
her family did not.
it's an intricate plot.
who knows where fate or providence brought her?
"
"to call ursula andress ""a blonde girl""
is a joke.  she is light-years beyond ""girl.""
pulchritudinous?  god,
what a dynamite bod!
she earned fame as our very first ""bond girl.""
"
"exclamation points?  i think they rock
when expressing surprise, awe, or shock.
they convey, too, that noise on
the tongues of the khoisan?
that click that's now written as "" ! "".
"
"a circular opening's right
for the passage of air or of light.
it might be an oval.
one over a stove'll
make kitchens, once dark, very bright.
"
"an acid drop salesman named steven
finds the strangest of tales to believe in.
it's true that they're laced
with a lemony taste,
but hallucinogenic?  not even!
"
"ms luce, with a glint in her eye,
murmured ""age before beauty"" (oh, my!)
to ms parker in line,
but then ""pearls before swine""
was the acid-tongued writer's reply.
"
"acid hail is some weather that mars
metal finishes badly.  it scars
like its twin, acid rain.
to the crops, it's a bane,
plus it dimples the hell out of cars.
"
"a teenager, male, name of fred,
on the subject of bunnies once said,
""playboy's angels of lust
plus those made out of dust
are accumulable under my bed.""
"
"it's an unwritten law in the land out
wherever this train is a standout.
accommodation?  you bet!
you ain't seen nuthin' yet!
stop this train just by sticking your hand out.
"
"fifty bucks for a white mountain ash?
that's a steal, i decide in a flash.
may i charge that amount?
i must shop on account
on account of i don't have the cash.
"
"the police have arrested my boss.
his defense?  he claims memory loss:
""who are you?  where's my spouse?
why's there tape 'round my house
saying 'homicide scene?do not cross'?""
"
"i asked questions, at first, to romance her:
""what's your vice and your birthday?""  her answer:
""by tobacco i'm beckoned,
and june twenty-second.""
""how appropriate, then.  you're a cancer.""
"
"cedar oil has a trait i know well:
as an insect repellent, it's swell!
plus, the ladies may find
you're the marrying kind
if you give off that hope-chesty smell.
"
"the life of a teen is complex.
for a male it involves, one expects,
things like fashion, and school,
and the need to be cool,
yet the accent is always on sex.
"
"""i'm a master of deathbreath x-v,
and i've only just turned 33!""
your prattle's incessant,
you adultolescent!
how proud both your parents must be.
"
"if a ""heart-healthy"" meal is your wish,
try our albany beef?it's delish!
so you won't be surprised
when it comes, be advised
you'll be dining this evening on fish.
"
"my wife has been named in a plot
to sell 200 kilos of pot.
""i thought you above
such behavior, my love.""
but she answered, ""apparently not.""
"
"the young cowpuncher, horseless, afoot,
clothing tattered and covered in soot,
when arrested for panhandling,
cried, ""this is manhandling
up with which i will not put!""
"
"after school, all the gang's goin' bladin'
as the skateboarders' turf we're invadin'.
not one of me mates
uses old-fashioned skates
because that would be way too degradin'.
"
"once on superman, hunky george reeves
(that was george's show, mind you, not steve's)
found a clue and said, ""this
is adenophyllous, miss.
you can see it has glands on its leaves.""
"
"light and creamy, the flavor's the reason
chocolate mousse is so thoroughly pleasin'.
others hunt to bag meat;
i prefer something sweet,
and, what's better, it's always in season.
"
"""that's a mountain bike?  back in my day,
someone riding that thing would say, 'hey,
it's an atb,' sonny.""
""oh, grampa, you're funny!
that term is completely pass?!""
"
"there's a noun used throughout the u.s.
when it's failure we wish to express.
we say bomb, but away
'cross the pond, the u.k.
uses bomb to mean ""smashing success!""
"
"someone's husband was caught shootin' dice?
and she's strayed from her vows once or twice?
and you heard what they said?
you've got gossip to spread?
""bite your tongue"" is the wisest advice.
"
"you were born on the coast, monterey,
but were raised to the north, san jose.
for your work, you prefer
santa cruz or big sur.
californian you are, all the way.
"
"to make your investments succeed,
disinterest is fatal.  indeed,
to avoid it like polio,
an active portfolio
strategy's just what you need.
"
"my dealer, ""big tony"" macleish,
says i owe for ten pounds of hashish.
""you can beg, steal, or borrow,
but pay by tomorrow,
or lose both your kneecaps, capiche?""
"
"the canyon outside aviano
was rough on my friend, a soprano.
""please accompany me!""
was her terrified plea.
(it's a good thing i brought my piano!)
"
"she was quite a remarkable blister
who believed that no man could resist her,
so imagine her shock
when that night, 10 o'clock,
i ran off and eloped with her sister!
"
"an average person can find
that by test scores his life is maligned.
if your grades weren't that great
and ""the rest"" is your fate,
come and join the oedilf. we don't mind!
"
"though their mission explicitly failed,
in the north their great valor was hailed.
recognition was due
these brave soldiers in blue,
so a brand new award was unveiled.
"
"the movie's successful and then
they decide to just make it again.
but all things being equal,
i'll sidestep the sequel:
danny glover and mel: lethal men.
"
"chaiwallah, please don't think me rude,
but i feel that i have to intrude.
if your bangsring or three
are all up in a tree,
then i'd say it's the tree that is shrewd.
"
"when his parents refused him this favor,
his wife, named alcestis, proved braver.
she died, went to hades
(that's no place for ladies!),
till hercules went down to save her.
"
"wrap your spuds in aluminum foil
after brushing off traces of soil.
bake: 350 degrees.
do not microwave, please.
if you do, then the ""good stuff"" you'll spoil.
"
"for baking potatoes, what's greater
than aluminum foil 'round your tater?
i'm cooking one now
in my microwave.  wow!
that's one hell of a light show creator!
"
"mathematics professor mcwhite
moaned, ""although it's not ethically right,
i leave work to my subs,
go to comedy clubs,
and appear there each open mike nite.""
"
"abe lincoln fence:  this type entails
a construction that's mainly of rails.
the fence got its name
from abe's rail-splitting fame.
for keeping out insects, it fails.
"
"i've heard andropause now and again.
it's like menopause, only for men.
this malaise may arrive
around age forty-five
and then last till one hundred and ten.
"
"chuck berry's a rock-and-roll king
known from boston to bonn to beijing.
it's a shame, i submit,
his sole #1 hit
was that piece of crap ""my ding-a-ling.""
"
"you've got 50-odd types of bacteria,
a virus just flown in from syria,
plus drugs from the street,
and some ""mystery meat.""
oh, the joys of a school cafeteria!
"
"counting jennifer's flaws?  there are many.
but her scruples?  she hasn't got any.
her job is provoking
young folks into smoking.
her friends call her carcino-jenny.
"
"kiss those babies!  and suck in your gut!
always smile for the cameras!  do what
fifty experts all say!
(wooing voters this way
is a massive campaign in the butt.)
"
"there's a boat that is paddled by two,
made of birchbark and used by the sioux.
often plain, nondescript,
it's quite easily tipped.
i can't think what they call it.  canoe?
"
"""lord, i've got the base crazies!"" sobbed zack,
""so stay off of the carpet. get back!""
shaking, shivering, he's
on his hands and his knees
as he searches for coke or for crack.
"
"he's a beat artist, one of those guys
who sells ""drugs"" (meaning bogus supplies).
those beat vials in his pack?
that just looks like it's crack.
the term caveat emptor applies.
"
"he is called ""methamphetamine hank.""
for poor drugs, we've got this guy to thank.
though the quality's low,
they'll still sell, doncha know.
he makes uppers they call bathtub crank.
"
"if smack is the drug of your choosing
and your blood's in the needle you're using,
that's called backtrack, a sight,
when it's photographed right,
that directors find highly enthusing.
"
"""baby habits are such,"" explained ben,
""that i do not belong in the pen.
your honor, permit me,
you've got to acquit me.
i only use drugs now and then.""
"
"because of my love of the poppy,
i put antifreeze in my jalopy.
but the cops saw the junk
(it was outside my trunk).
my security measures were sloppy.
"
"my ticker may soon need replacing;
my heartbeat, from drug use, is racing.
it's pumping like mad,
and i'm amping so bad
that a heart attack surely i'm facing.
"
"you take acid cubes? one lump or three?
they're just sugar that holds lsd.
that's a fact you should know
for the next time you go
to an acid freak's home to have tea.
"
"when you light up an a-bomb, it's true
that you're smoking much more than just boo.
scary heights you'll be scaling:
you're also inhaling
some aries or opium, too.
"
"abandominiums: ""hotels"" that you see
with no pools, no nice beds, no tv.
drug ""prescriptions"" are filled,
if you aren't raped or killed.
so why stay there? for squatters, it's free.
"
"acceleration coefficient: that means
for a product (let's say, mustard greens)
there's a ratio?invest
and your income will crest.
(if you're broke, though, it doesn't mean beans.)
"
"""about time!"" my wife spat.  she was pissed!
still i bent down a bit to be kissed.
about two hours late,
what i got on that date,
though, was not my wife's lips but her fist.
"
"""'the big easy'?  i know what that means.
that's new orleans,"" said lynn.  (she's from queens.)
i hope to withdraw lynn's
fine body from new orleans.
(i never did like new orleans.)
"
"i'm embarrassed to have to report
that my phone is the old-fashioned sort.
it's so far from 3g,
there's no caller id,
and my number?  three longs and a short.
"
"you just don't understand the potential
of this, the new ford presidential.
bells and whistles?  not true!
leather seats (kangaroo)
that will vibrate are clearly essential!
"
"your eyes are two differing hues
and your eyebrows, uneven, i'd lose.
with your nose out of place,
when describing your face,
antigodlin's the word i would use.
"
"it's oft euphemistically said,
""he's an angel,"" but don't be misled.
please don't think me unkind,
but let's all keep in mind:
that's a soldier, once living, now dead.
"
"although ""vengeance is mine,"" said the lord,
you're tied up in the back of my ford.
as a dealer, you see,
you will answer to me,
while your prayers to the lord are ignored.
"
"i wanted to get my b.a.
in swimming from ucla.
i showed up at the pool
without trunks, like a fool.
they expelled me the very same day.
"
"in regard to the phrase a bronx cheer
(also known as a raspberry here),
as a writer, i know
it helps poetry flow
since there's not much that rhymes well with pffffpbpbth!!
"
"this overworked friend of mine, kevin,
who's the boss of a 7-eleven,
works 8 hours each day,
weekends off (without pay),
but they hassle him 24/7.
"
"my baby book's filled with old news
of yours truly. it's sure to amuse.
when i breastfed, i bit,
and my first word was naughty.
without flopper, i never would snooze.
"
"here's a limerick featuring jimbo,
who stands with his arms set akimbo,
in order to clarify
a point and to verify
you don't need the rhyming word bimbo.
"
"""i dream i'm a pink praying mantis,
atlantean, just like my aunt is.
no, not brawny, like atlas,
with a gut that is fatless?
i'm living in downtown atlantis.""
"
"tell me, where is our shame?  i'm appalled!
when the smallest of breasts are installed
in this ""magic"" brassiere,
they're pushed up, out to here!
""the abracada-bra,"" it's called.
"
"amphisexual people will try
to make love with a gal or a guy.
is this only a trend?
some insist in the end
we will all be like this, bi and bi.
"
"the promoters ecstatically shout,
""it's the ultimate match-up, no doubt!""
fifteen rounds, blood and gore,
fight fans screaming for more?
these are just what a bout is about.
"
"while it's true that our abecedarian
librarian is no libertarian,
steady gentle persistence
has conquered resistance.
our sex life is truly wagnerian!
"
"tony bennett's a true work of art.
take his choices of songs, for a start.
in the years before disco,
he claimed san francisco
was where he had misplaced his heart.
"
"apprize means to say, ""man, that rocks!""
'cause it's posh, like a mink pair of socks,
but apprise means ""advise,""
or ""inform,"" or ""put wise.""
(neither one's in a cracker jack box.)
"
"i'm attending a class i despise,
and my vacant, expressionless eyes
scream, ""have pity on me?
i could die of ennui!""
i'm just sittin' here, bored, catchin' flies.
"
"i was placed in the back of the car,
but the door was left slightly ajar,
so i tried to escape
(it's on videotape),
though in handcuffs i didn't get far.
"
"listen, daughter, i seem to recall
""dark and handsome,"" you wanted, and ""tall.""
get good looks in your man
if you possibly can,
but be sure that he's true, above all.
"
"some say wordplay and puns are a sin
but i'm sorry, they just make me grin.
take a word like ajar.
i would say insofar
as its use?  it's what pickles come in.
"
"architourists in busloads agree:
in each town, architecture is key.
please stop blocking their view.
no one cares about you;
it's the buildings they're coming to see.
"
"first you call dr. ozgood a quack.
then you say to his wife, ""hey, nice rack!""
you spill food on their rug.
all night long you're a thug.
do you think they'll be asking us back?
"
"abjuratory statements recant.
for example, my great-great-great-aunt
first declared, ""general lee
is the lover for me!""
(later: ""take me, ulysses s. grant!"")
"
"it is you i completely abhor!
i despise and i loathe you and more.
your abhorrer? that's me!
you're despicable, see?
you abhorrible, horrible whore!
"
"up on many a theater marquee,
neve campbell's a name you will see.
this young lady has got
looks decidedly hot?
star of scream and scream ii, and scream iii.
"
"you've a fungal infection? that's rich!
chromoblastomycosis? a bitch!
i'll be spreading the word
right away: ""have you heard?
joe's got warts on his legs and they itch!""
"
"charlie manson is boxed, that's for sure.
though he once was our ""madman du jour,""
he's now safely in jail
where he'll die, without fail,
any hopes for release premature.
"
"adultescent nathaniel j. harrison,
though 50, will make this comparison:
""britney spears?  mandy moore?
they're both bitchin', for sure!""
(to his kids, he is highly embarrassin'!)
"
"""cholescintigraphy?that's what we're planning.""
the doctors advised carol channing.
""your gall bladder, dolly,
we'll look at, by golly,
via nuclear medicine scanning.""
"
"""hello, dolly!"" has caused me to drink so,
and to twitch and to jerk and to blink so.
it's too much, i submit!
can you name one more hit
carol channing has sung? (didn't think so!)
"
"i confess i don't know much about
ab extra.  it means ""from without""
(for example, when i
get a spear in my thigh,
as opposed to a virus, no doubt).
"
"maurice micklewhite cannot complain
since his life's not the least bit mundane.
with great roles he's been blessed.
(i liked ""alfie"" the best.)
you have seen him perhaps: michael caine.
"
"abashedly means something's done
in a way that embarrasses one.
it's the sort of a word
that is not often heard
unless first it's preceded by un-.
"
"queen elizabeth proudly i faced,
then my sweatpants slipped down from my waist.
i thought, ""lordy, what now?
as a yank, do i bow?
i'm confounded, abashed, and abaist!""
"
"could it be champit tatties are greens?
are they some sort of special marines?
or a group on safari?
in scotland, no, sorry,
""mashed potatoes"" is all that that means.
"
"my birth cohort is somewhat a zoo:
cheryl ladd and elvira (woo-woo!),
mr. folgelberg (dan)
and roberto duran,
sting, rush limbaugh, and sally ride, too.
"
"acne keloid's a constant attack?
folliculitis that keeps coming back.
it's more likely to wreck
the back of your neck
if you're male and you're asian or black.
"
"they're newborns, but some look like freaks?
tiny zits dot their foreheads and cheeks!
acne neonatorum
(there's medicine for 'em)
strikes babies of less than two weeks.
"
"i lent you my subaru, floyd,
and hell yes, i'm ""a little annoyed""!
you tell me forthrightly
you've damaged it slightly?
it's banjaxed! demolished! destroyed!
"
"apishamore: plush saddle blanket
of buffalo skin.  cowboys rank it
as vital since they'll
often sleep on the trail.
for the warmth it provides them, they thank it.
"
"i was tied to the rack and held fast.
""you'll confess to the sins of your past,""
my inquisitor said,
""or we'll cut off your head,
but acknow, for this offer won't last!""
"
"""now, clem,"" said the lawyer, ""think fast.
just when was the bribe to you passed?""
he replied, ""without checkin',
i'd jest hafta reckon
it happened the night afore last.""
"
"if your business is done b2b,
the consumer is not who you see.
if it is, you'll agree
that you work b2c.
(this is too r2d2 to me!)
"
"do you know what they mean when they say
amish golf?  do you know how to play?
are your balls made of wood?
are your wickets in good?
would it help if we called it croquet?
"
"if you're sexually straight, just be glad
for the heterosexuals you've had.
if you're not, what the hell,
you should bglad as well.
and if some folks don't like it?  too bad!
"
"many church people choose to believe
that gay couples deserve to receive
all their pious abuse.
they hate ""adam and bruce.""
(clearly someone is cheating on steve.)
"
"when a character's labeled acquired,
the trait, whether loathed or admired,
isn't passed down genetically
because, hypothetically,
it springs from how life has transpired.
"
"acquisition accounting? that's hot!
first i buy your ass, like it or not.
then i go through to see
what your stuff's worth to me.
it's a way to assess what i've got.
"
"if i quoted, ""i came and i saw
and i conquered,"" you'd likely guffaw:
""dummy!  everyone knows
that asyndeton shows
a conjunction-free line is no flaw!""
"
"accentuality comes into play
when a poem has its truths to convey
using stresses as tools.
poets follow strict rules.
make a limerick iambic? no way!
"
"account representatives speak
with their clients at least once a week:
""here's an ad we've designed
i believe you will find
will attract the consumers you seek.""
"
"""abstinency!""  that is the cry
of the ""keep your virginities!"" guy.
""doesn't abstinence mean
the same thing?"" asked a teen.
""yes, but this way, i hope you'll c y.""
"
"""your honor, i'm changing my ways.
you've convinced me that honesty pays.
i'm forsaking all crime,
and i vow that i'm... i'm...""
""now absolvable? no, thirty days!""
"
"are abyssinian bananas a treat?
no, not much. it's a fruit you can't eat.
but the shoots, when they're young,
are a treat for the tongue,
or at least that's the word on the street.
"
"in my next film, the anapest killing,
i'm the star, and as such i'm unwilling
to see my name below
any others, and so
in the credits i insist on top billing.
"
"arizona is known for its sun.
(we've got sunshine out here by the ton.)
with clear weather all day,
let's go watch the teams play
now the cactus league season's begun.
"
"the aonyx (or cape clawless otter)
in other beasts' homes is a squatter.
it will never be found
on canadian ground,
but in african swamps, where it's hotter.
"
"a movie once worked on the theme
that in space, no one hears when you scream.
sound will not carry where
there's a void without air.
conversation?  no dice, it would seem.
"
"a stripper's assistant, named jake,
made a horrible rookie mistake
when miss trixie said, ""bring
me a boa, sweet thing,""
and, all flustered, he fetched her a snake.
"
"""frank capra's the best,"" says my wife,
""since with truths all his movies are rife:
say your name's mister smith?you
cannot take it with you,
yet still it's a wonderful life!""
"
"father john says the heretic might
know more truth than the churches can cite.
cacodoxical, yes,
but i have to confess
i've a sneaking suspicion he's right.
"
"when a student calls, ""hey, fred macmurray!
are you done with our papers?  no hurry!""
i think, ""papers? what class?
what's your name, you young ass?""
but my absentness causes me worry.
"
"in a diner, a friend and i sit,
when he says, ""i don't know, i'll admit,
what that voucher is called
on which figures are scrawled,""
so i told him he didn't know chit.
"
"though i'm shockingly selfish, i know
i'm a favorite of rich uncle moe.
he confided in me:
""chris, i've got the big c,""
and i had, on the spot, the big o!
"
"a chinese forget-me-not, small
and bright blue?""please remember me, paul,""
as she gave me this token
of love i'd awoken.
her name, though? i cannot recall.
"
"hawaii-bound jessica schneider
was enjoying a hot mug of cider.
i advised her, ""beware
of chiracanthium there.
it's a genus of venomous spider.""
"
"he was william three eagles to some.
as he grew, though, it's clear he'd become
quite decidedly gay,
and so now, so they say,
they address him as chickasaw plum.
"
"when composing a readable rhyme
on this site, poets cheat all the time.
and who is the first
on the list of the worst
of offenders? i'd have to say i'm!
"
"i've heard church key throughout my career,
though its meaning has never been clear.
i would like to research
its connection with church.
what it gets you inside is a beer!
"
"you say deafness is what you are fearing,
as a silent old age you are nearing?
and your spouse is suggesting
more medical testing?
acoumetry measures your hearing.
"
"excoriated acne? take care!
don't know why, but in boys this is rare.
first you poke, scratch, and squeeze
pimples smaller than fleas?
sometimes zits that are not even there!
"
"estivalis, an acne severe,
comes right after vacation each year.
too much sun and then that
stupid mickey mouse hat
ain't your summertime's sole souvenir.
"
"dermatologist dr. o'rourke
has a practice in upstate new york.
he employs, with great flair,
acne lancets 'cause they're
more hygienic to use than a fork.
"
"you're curvaceous, and girlish, and dimply,
so premenstrual acne is simply
designed just for you
and for other gals, too.
it's a cyclical way to get pimply.
"
"you've got acne detergicans, sport.
first you started with some other sort,
then with treatment too rough,
well, enough is enough!
all that scrubbing you need to abort.
"
"venenata: an acne infernal
caused by irritants seen as external.
this has agonized you
and your ancestors too,
says the acne historical journal.
"
"this will doubtlessly stir up a fuss:
angelina's been sleeping with gus.
how i hate to discover
a two-timing lover,
but your wife has been cheating on us!
"
"with her cheese cutter broken, louise
is beseeching her party guests, ""please,
we are all of us friends!""
but her question offends:
""would you tell me now, who cut the cheese?""
"
"i bet satan my soul: ""you can't match
this fine rum i'm producing from scratch!""
but he took my damned bet,
one i'd quickly regret,
as he toasted me: ""cheers! down the hatch!!""
"
"juan sebastian del cano was tellin'
about circling the globe.  he was yellin':
""i was first! there, i said it!
but who gets the credit?
it goes to that moron magellan!""
"
"child prodigies come by that name
by precociously earning great fame.
my two grandsons don't get
to be called this just yet,
but i love 'em to bits just the same.
"
"when it's b-k-l-y-n, u c,
that means ""brooklyn,"" most folks would agree.
what's this bs about?
why not spell the thing out?
all the letters you're saving?  just three!
"
"our eighth president, martin van buren,
had a lexicon he was secure in.
chamber lye was a phrase
that he'd use in those days.
you and i, though, would call the stuff urine.
"
"it's been said that republicans rarely
get beaten so fairly and squarely
as they were in '06.
they were all in a fix.
they still carried the south, though just barely.
"
"as i choke back a tearful display,
i get this from my wife, ellie may:
""i can't take any more!
you've seen bambi before,
so it shouldn't affect you this way!""
"
"i've decided to go buccaneering.
that's the life ? open-sea privateering!
i'll rob ships with a smile
and that johnny depp style
that the ladies all find so endearing.
"
"you're not wal-mart? it's hard to advance.
i say give mom-and-pop stores a chance!
i support the homegrown,
which is why i am known
for my anticonglomerate stance.
"
"osama bin laden's attack
on new york let him laugh and sit back,
so secure he would never
be caught: ""i'm too clever.
i won't be caught dead in iraq!""
"
"a ""boo!"" from a ghost can be frightful.
""i'll get you, you bastard!""  that's spiteful.
but: ""sure, you can stay,
since my husband's away""
carries meaning that's simply delightful.
"
"i want to vacation in spain.
you say, ""let's visit family in maine.""
i say, ""rome?""  you say, ""france!""
i say, ""give greece a chance!""
(all this back-and-forth gives me a pain!)
"
"the harbor where tea was once tossed in
by renegade ""injuns"" was boston.
fighting tyranny's might,
they heaved tea through the night
in a manner i'm sure was exhaustin'.
"
"she removed a small bandicoot (tamed),
a van gogh of some sunflowers (framed),
the great gatsby, a rake,
and a porterhouse steak
from her catchall (a bag that's well named).
"
"our mary writes briefs that are weighty,
and with college professors she's matey.
she's been asked for advice
by the pope once or twice.
she is quite able-minded for 80.
"
"""thigh-high ty,"" sly ally by the y,
can rely on the thai shoo-fly pie
i supply in july
to my fbi spy.
can't deny that fly guy ""hi goodbye.""
"
"it's discreetly transcribed as ""ahem,""
but the actual sound you'd condemn
if the action occurred
in a mall and you heard
someone hacking up great gobs of phlegm.
"
"a chauffeuse sweetly asked a chauffeur
to explain what the differences were
in their driving careers.
it's a cinch, it appears:
""i'm a him,"" he replied, ""you're a her.""
"
"though her date was a tough texas ranger
(thus, you'd think, a good shield against danger),
on a dark country road
an acquaintance rape showed
that a rapist need not be a stranger.
"
"it's that african palm oil you use
in your succulent sauces and stews
that instills in them flavor
that food critics savor
and favor with glowing reviews.
"
"achromophilous cells, experts say,
can't be stained in the usual way.
i sure wish that my pants
shared this trait since, by chance,
i sat down in spaghetti today.
"
"i have named my ford thunderbird ""harriet.""
it's a magical car?a beer chariot.
though i'm drunk, i arrive
safe at home.  we survive.
if it grows genitalia, i'll marry it.
"
"i got chops.  on the sax, i'm the tops.
all my fans, they be givin' me props.
then some fool say, ""oh, no!
when you blow, man, you blow!""
so i busted the dude in the chops.
"
"the brigadier general was trying
to act tough, but there was no denying:
he's safe as can be
at his desk in d.c.?
it's the lower-ranked troops who are dying.
"
"there's nothing quite like almond butter.
just try it, your kids'll say, ""what're
you spreading here, mom?
you're the best!  you're da bomb!""
and this treat will delight like no utter.
"
"you've no doubt that your bob is a sneak.
and his nurse?oh, my god!  that physique?
one could laugh at your fear
that he'll leave you ""some year""?
she's seducing him now as we speak.
"
"two friends of mine, klaus and marie,
are as ugly as ugly can be.
""we're about to be wed!""
they surprisingly said,
""and we're registered."" (yeah, akc!)
"
"you're my captor and i'm your captee,
so i beg you?consider my plea:
these ropes have confined me,
but you can unbind me!
abstringe me and let me go free!
"
"the results of the friends i have polled
say my wife is a sight to behold:
tiny butt and nice rack,
dressed completely in black,
with chic accents in silver and gold.
"
"""find my navel? i'm sorry, you can't!""
said the lover of ronnie van zant.
""on my abdomen?nuttin'!
there's no belly-button.
that's just how i'm built.  i'm an ant!""
"
"the word able can mean ""good at learning.""
able children are frequently yearning
to pass every test
and be seen as the best
as respect from their teachers they're earning.
"
"the absent expression displayed
by swan three left the teacher dismayed.
she called out to the dancer,
but absent an answer,
gave up and went home, i'm afraid.
"
"akaryotic, a small, one-celled creature
displayed an unfortunate feature:
it was nucleus-free,
somewhat heartless, you see
(like miss manheim, my algebra teacher).
"
"microscopic, the diner i chose
had an odd name: ""no-nucleus joe's.""
they make pizzas with flair,
but you can't eat them there.
it's akaryote place, i suppose.
"
"anti-aircraft artillery? hey!
are you sure that you want that today?
you are certain to double
your current car trouble
if you call in the wrong triple-a.
"
"this grade from the school takes the cake, boss!
it's gotta be someone's mistake 'cause
your idiot son
never got an a-1.
perhaps it's a note to buy steak sauce!
"
"when my lover, a sailor named jacques,
broke things off i was in for a shock.
""cast off!"" he yelled; he
then sailed off without me,
a poor cast-off alone on the dock.
"
"ken considered himself a don juan
every gal would base fantasies on.
why he thought this, god knows,
because most of his clothes
featured taffeta, lace, or chiffon.
"
"at denise's, a beverage shop,
i find cokes with no prices on top,
so i yell, ""hey, denise,
are these one buck apiece?""
and she hollers, ""five dollars a pop.""
"
"san francisco's mass transit, to me,
is a huge disappointment.  i see
that no cable car has
such amenities as
i'd expected, like cable tv.
"
"i worked in a card shop one summer,
a place called the different drummer.
as a hard-working chap,
i sold hallmark-y crap,
all at minimum wage.  what a bummer!
"
"if you're guilty of bad karaoke,
i believe they should put you in choky.
but that's just the u.k.;
in the u. s. of a.,
we would call the same building the pokey.
"
"when you're leaving an archduke or greater,
your farewell, to their ranking, must cater.
say: ""your majesty, i
must now bid you goodbye,""
but to everyone else, ""catchya later!""
"
"when the term chimney breast was first spoken,
i'm sure that some wiseacre broke in:
""that's a wall that extends
'round a fireplace, friends,
not a ta-ta incredibly smokin'!""
"
"i adore my black labrador smokey
and want him to feel okey-dokey.
to this end, i submit
that his clothes must all fit.
he will not wear a collar that's choky.
"
"who can play, with each detail spot on,
eldest son of a mafia don,
or a jock who is dying,
or a writer who's trying
to survive? most guys can't, but james caan.
"
"the term abnodate, currently rare,
can pertain to the kids in your care,
and especially girls
with their tangled up curls.
it means ""taking the knots out of hair.""
"
"just three months after danny first crawled,
it occurred. mom and dad were appalled.
wart-like things on his neck?
little dan was a wreck!
epidemic, this acne is called.
"
"""you've got ants in your pants,"" i suggested,
a fact that he hotly contested.
""i don't mean to imply
you're a fidgety guy;
i am saying you're actually infested!""
"
"they said of adair: ""in the main,
there's no fire red couldn't contain.""
the country still praises
his work with the blazes
occasioned by saddam hussein.
"
"i'd say acne scrofulosorum
is the strangest discussed in this forum.
this acne will pick
children already sick,
when by rights it should really ignore 'em.
"
"papulosa's an acne where most
of the lesions you've got?  dry as toast.
but if pimples you cuss
'cause they're filled up with pus,
pustulosa will be diagnosed.
"
"my sister remarked, ""why not choose
this new slang term for breasts: babaloos?
if desi arnaz
comes back female,"" she says,
""i am sure that's the term she will use.""
"
"now the end of his lifetime is nearing,
my grandfather's losing his hearing.
i say, ""hi, you ol' sot!""
then i whisper a lot,
but such cheekiness isn't endearing.
"
"if she leaves him for you, who's to say
she won't dump your dumb ass one fine day?
maybe no one is sweeter,
but you can't trust a cheater.
she's somebody's wife? stay away!
"
"i gave father a kiss?that's no crime!
it stayed sweet on his lips for some time.
as his son, i declare
it's a passion we share:
damn the calories, chocolate's sublime!
"
"domination worldwide is the call
of our secret yet mighty cabal.
first to fall 'neath our sword:
the welsh energy board
(since before we can run, we must crawl).
"
"constitutions are just what we lack.
as your king, i'm a tough nut to crack.
we've no lawyers, no laws,
and no backtalk because
it's an absolute monarchy, mac!
"
"""we've got to proceed with all haste
to get your bay window replaced.""
(but his living room view
was as good as when new.
what she meant was his 60-inch waist.)
"
"as a teen, i was always complaining
that my life was so unentertaining.
i craved parties instead.
""join the service,"" they said.
""right away you will get bacchic training.""
"
"i detested this woman to death
for her likeness to lady macbeth.
when she suffered, last may,
a brief hospital stay,
i sent her some baby's bad breath.
"
"apocalypticism's barely believable,
though, in truth, it is not inconceivable.
but to make it all clear
in this limerick here?
that might be, as a goal, unachievable.
"
"at the pie shop, i'm only a clerk,
and my laziness drives some berserk.
for example, today
my boss twice had to say,
""stop yer arsin' about.  get to work!""
"
"mr. anderson took no malarky,
and often was snappish and snarky,
but with baseball his gig,
in both leagues he won big.
not too bad for a grown man named sparky!
"
"the women are blonde there and thinnish.
shout ""akka""?  you'll only diminish
your chance to get kinky
with gals in helsinki,
and whatever you start, you won't finnish.
"
"aholehole are not that religious.
with church groups, they're not that prestigious.
they're a silvery fish
that some say are delish.
you can find them in schools quite prodigious.
"
"what's classier than an agbada?
i'll tell ya what's classier?nada!
with its long flowing sleeves
this shirt always receives
praise from africa out to nevada.
"
"what's an aeroshell?  that's element'ry.
it's (in terms of design) supplement'ry
to a spacecraft's protection.
it's the outermost section
so the craft won't burn up on re-entry.
"
"she's an austrian pineapple heiress
i had met one spring evening in paris.
her first name is heather,
so when we're together
i call her calluna vulgaris.
"
"christmas carols? i'm right in the thick of them
since as dj, i'm given my pick of them.
""silent night,"" ""deck the halls""
have me climbing the walls:
by thanksgiving, i'm thoroughly sick of them!
"
"i've a dog farm.  i raise mostly bassets.
it's a pastime with interesting facets.
one potential cash cow:
selling dog milk!  but how
do i market such gross liquid assets?
"
"""the demands of the poor, dare we trample?!
shall the philistines lead by example?!
cast thy sorrowful gaze
'pon munificent ways!""
(ampullosity?  this is a sample.)
"
"cacogenics attempts to convey
how two parents, both geniuses, may
have a daughter or son
who, when all's said and done,
will just sleep and write limericks all day.
"
"accusement, for your information,
has undergone slight permutation.
it's an obsolete word
that is not often heard,
since today we just say accusation.
"
"aka has a clear application
regarding a grim operation.
besides being shown as
the term also known as,
it's also a knee amputation.
"
"""i'm world famous; my cause for renown
is my logic,"" he said, with a frown,
""so to chop up a tree,
please explain this to me:
why's the first step to chop the thing down?""
"
"the cac boomerang flew
for australia throughout world war two.
its replacement, though great,
was too little, too late:
that's the prop-job they called kangaroo.
"
"my formerly wrinkled friend sheila
sells botox direct from the deala.
at her parties whole lots
of her friends will do shots,
but it's clear we're not talkin' tequila.
"
"an alford plea says: i'm a saint
who is willing to state, ""no, i ain't.""
to a lesser charge, i
will confess ""i'm your guy,""
thus avoiding the greater complaint.
"
"achieved status is that which is earned:
dues you've paid; midnight oil you have burned.
but inherit your station?
you lack dedication,
as far as most folks are concerned.
"
"a reservist named kay, a real cutie,
was called up to serve active duty
at george dubya's behest.
she now wears on her chest
a bronze star and a scar that's a beauty.
"
"one way to enlarge a small nation
is a method that's called annexation.
your borders expand
into other folk's land.
if they're lucky, they get compensation.
"
"my dentist said, ""there's no confusion.
i've come to a single conclusion.
your teeth don't fit right,
some don't touch when you bite,
a condition that's called abocclusion.""
"
"christmas island is known for its seafood
such as crabs, so you know it's not free food.
since the prices are steep,
my advice: if you're cheap,
stay at home and eat chef boy-ar-dee food.
"
"""chicken mousse,"" said a farmer named floyd,
""is a meal i have often enjoyed.
while i'd walk to topeka
for chicken paprika,
chicken roundworm i try to avoid.""
"
"at a stoplight, four doors open wide
and six passengers scramble outside.
two full laps 'round the car,
then back in?au revoir!
simple-minded, we laughed till we cried.
"
"caulerpa taxifolia? gee!
controlling this nuisance is key.
fine in fish tanks, but not
like the mess we've now got
in the mediterranean sea.
"
"i'd tried out for a team called the snakes.
they said, ""no! girls don't have what it takes.""
when they choose up sides now?
they compete for me.  wow,
what a difference that puberty makes!
"
"chocolate pudding's a nine-year-old's dream,
sure to give satisfaction supreme:
thick and smooth as you wish
in a four-inch deep dish,
and on top, half a foot of whipped cream!
"
"it was judy, my ex, who did still me.
she had zero insurance until me.
the local judiciary
named jude beneficiary.
were i living, my widow would kill me!
"
"my report on saint thomas aquinas
wasn't quite good enough for her highness!
miss trent said my writing
was less than exciting,
and gave me a stinkin' a- !
"
"playing scrabble a little while back,
aedoeology led my attack.
what with doe on the board,
65 points i scored,
plus i cleared all those vowels from my rack!
"
"the winter's been cold and, what's more,
far more wildlife has starved than before.
so what will you do
when you hear it?:  ""a-oooo!""
do be wary of wolves at your door!
"
"my father, when words became heated,
did not care to ever be treated
to back talk or sass.
i once said, ""dad, you ass!""
(...it's an error i never repeated.)
"
"acerbophobia?  you've got the power
to get weirder, i swear, by the hour.
you're afraid first of cats,
then of vampire bats.
now you're freaked out by things that go sour?
"
"but the prince wasn't up for this gig?
not athletic, and fat as a pig!
he suffered a fall
fifty feet up the wall.
seems rapunzel was wearing a wig.
"
"he said he was feeling alright
but then wrote it, which started the fight.
his wife said, ""now john,
that's just wrong!""  though, hang on?
as debates go, it's not black and white.
"
"""a dream is an inverse reality.""
""the state is a kindly brutality.""
he considers his brayings
the wisest of sayings,
when in fact he's the height of banality.
"
"single snowfalls are harmless, essentially,
but their hazards increase exponentially
when amounting to, say,
just two inches each day.
accumulations will doom us eventually.
"
"there's an ad exec, peter lapount,
who's in charge of the hitler account.
harvey hitler makes shoes
that he wants to sell jews,
quite a problem for pete to surmount.
"
"it was odd that his first name was chance,
since i met him by accident. vance
was the name of the street
where we happened to meet
and begin our impromptu romance.
"
"i was holding my granddaughter anne
when: ""the babe's had an accident, fran.""
""you say 'accident,' vince?
that's appropriate, since
that's exactly how annie began!""
"
"at my wedding reception i'm shown
you accept me as one of your own.
please don't make so much fuss
(""one of us! one of us!"")
since to murderous plotting i'm prone.
"
"abbevillian, a time before taxes
and armies and farming and faxes,
is primarily known
for its tools made of stone:
prehistoric bifacial hand axes.
"
"since the statue's aidoion was showing,
the teacher called out, ""let's keep going!""
but her second grade class
had all seen it, alas!
were they damaged?  there's no way of knowing.
"
"mother's sister is highly oppressive
of reforms she considers excessive.
she's against the have-nots:
""no free lunches for tots!!""
we have nicknamed her ""auntie progressive.""
"
"we're the lowest that rockers can sink to,
with no agents or fan clubs to link to.
we're a bar band, ""deaf pig.""
we will never be big.
we play music for locals to drink to.
"
"talkin' trash? no one's trash talk is trashier!
and when makin' a splash, no one's splashier.
only now a narc studies
my ashen-faced buddies,
and with pot in my pants, i am ashier.
"
"as my date and i watched the mets play,
i had asked her, ""how much do you weigh?
please don't think me unkind,
but when viewed from behind
you resemble, a little bit, shea.""
"
"his complexion's a total disgrace:
ugly blemishes cover his face.
there are more, he confessed,
on his back and his chest.
he has pimples all over the place.
"
"now the cancer has entered her brain,
alleviative treatment for jayne
means she's gotten the word
that she'll never be cured,
but at least we can lessen her pain.
"
"you're sure to experience agony
if you fall off your horse and you drag a knee.
you're a pioneer who
will be safer, it's true,
if your travels are more covered-wagony.
"
"pierre alamire: a guy
who gave sundry professions a try.
he was copyist, singer,
and document bringer,
engineer, merchant, diplomat, spy.
"
"at the party, i'm drinking amara.
i'm a hit with my lampshade tiara.
from the rooftop, i clown:
""it's a single step down""
to the sidewalk below. sayonara.
"
"""robert jones, twenty bucks, 1 july,
then ten more on the fifth from mcfly.""
the name that exists
for who-pays-what-when lists?
aging schedules, but don't ask me why.
"
"""with apt stratagems dearly required,
an aerial transfer's transpired!
the ellipsoid now lands
in the accipient's hands.""
""as a football announcer, you're fired!""
"
"jack jones owns the store where i work
as an overstressed, underpaid clerk.
""look alive!"" he will shout,
leaving minimal doubt
the abovesaid jack jones is a jerk!
"
"when commercials are shown in a batch,
your attention's not easy to catch.
but show me a spot
made by bounty or scott
and i'll watch it absorbedly, natch!
"
"""awwwwww, c'mere! give yer auntie a kiss!""
as a kid, how i'd hate hearing this.
i was tempted to write,
""auntie reeb, you're a fright!
sober up or stay home, please. love, chris.""
"
"was butch cassidy fierce and inhuman?
some declare he was shy, unassumin',
and friendly, and yet
it's a pretty sure bet
he did not look at all like paul newman.
"
"""would you care for a nice mug of brew?""
""jeeze, i think it's too early. don't you?""
""every morning at six
is my first caffeine fix.""
""you mean coffee, not alcohol! (phew!)""
"
"though i'm aging, i will not despair
that i'm achy and losing my hair.
plus, my sex drive is lower,
my pace is much slower,
but i'm 55 now. c'est la guerre!
"
"burt bacharach's fame is widespread;
""he's the tops of the pops,"" folks have said.
but the song they're recallin'
is ""raindrops keep fallin'""
(i hate this song, burt!) ""on my head.""
"
"when he's making a garter, john gaddis
will use some elastic and caddis.
that's the woolen yarn, but
not the fly larva. what
a relief to his ladyfriends that is!
"
"enunciate each word you speak,
if respect as a speaker you seek.
if your words are not clear,
or your accent's severe,
then your chance for success will be bleak.
"
"-a-n-a words will often relate
to one person or country or state
(e.g., nouns africana
or shakespeareana)
with collections, both tiny and great.
"
"born in rome? that would make you a roman.
you say tulsa, instead? oklahoman.
keep forgetting? don't sweat it!
i'd advise you to get it
tattooed on your freakin' abdomen.
"
"using arnolds has helped your physique
since your muscles were formerly weak.
but what really appalls?
their effect on your balls,
which are shrinking in size as we speak.
"
"there's a medical book that i read
titled -cephaly. here's what it said:
every doctor agrees
this describes a disease
or condition affecting one's head.
"
"if processions will need to be made,
then the suffix required is -cade.
you will soon be, no lie,
a most popular guy
because everyone loves a parade.
"
"there's a suffix most doctors know well:
when a word ends in -blast, they can tell
that regardless of where
they're providing their care,
it's an immature tissue or cell.
"
"what do i know of suffixes? plenty!
take the one that ends -b-i-o-n-t.
these five letters suggest
where a creature lives best,
something known to all word cognoscenti.
"
"words with -androus are easy to spot,
showing how many husbands you've got.
you're monandrous? just one
wedded male shares your fun.
polyandrous? you've got quite a lot!
"
"you might describe abscesses thus:
""they're localized build-ups of pus
caused by flesh that is dead,
often painful and red.""
(and there isn't much left to discuss.)
"
"those first dirty jokes that you cracked
showed the manners and taste that you lacked.
and your loud drunken brawling?
it's simply appalling!
i'm begging you?clean up your act!
"
"the government never would ban a
brown bird who thinks herring is manna.
this pelican's small,
in fact smallest of all,
and the state bird of louisiana.
"
"i have asked every girl in the town out,
and their put-downs i wish i could drown out.
i don't look like don juan
with the lights fully on,
but i might do all right in a brownout.
"
"deadly ack-ack is what pilots fear
when enemy fire is near.
or, make no mistake,
it's the sound that cats make
when a furball's about to appear.
"
"the apple-cheeked boy with a grin
had bright eyes and a sweet dimpled chin,
with a rounded pink face
i could easily place
in the line-up the cops had him in.
"
"a general's life isn't hard.
you get perks like your own honor guard.
they're helpful and they'll
help you answer your mail
and pretend that you're jean-luc picard.
"
"tim's oarswoman (what a physique!)
points her oar to the sky as we speak.
i'd be hers in a jiff
and give anything if
down her blouse she would give me apeak.
"
"for his crimes, michael fay was detained
by the singapore cops and then caned.
many yanks raised a fuss:
""they can't do that to us!""
as for me, i was well entertained.
"
"as a track star, high hurdles are tough,
since i'm 300 pounds in the buff.
when i'm sprinting, they say,
""put your stopwatch away,
since a calendar's more than enough.""
"
"anticipation is torture, they say.
just ask waterrocks, in the u.k.
like most young adults,
she awaits the results
of her gcses, out today.
"
"ms minnelli, i loved cabaret!
you were excellent!  so was joel grey.
win the oscar (your due)
and then i predict you
will see blockbuster roles come your way.
"
"i am working for barnum and bailey,
playing sambas (brazilian) twice daily.
my cavaquinho and i
are a hit.  do stop by!
(it's a portuguese-style ukulele.)
"
"a cat o' nine tails, the pirates all say,
helps a captain keep mutinies at bay.
they have found, in rough clashes,
a whip with nine lashes
more effective than docking one's pay.
"
"for a knife fight, two morons were itchin',
but joe just had stuff from mom's kitchen.
the fight was a stand-off
till joe chopped bill's hand off.
a butcher knife's power is bitchin'!
"
"jean-pierre's a canadian mountie
and the swingingest stud in the county.
he is so unsurpassed
at seducing gals fast
that the locals have nicknamed him ""bounty.""
"
"if my knees weren't so old, daniella,
we'd be dancing a wild tarantella.
but the cartilage there
is beyond all repair.
i've got chondromalacia patella.
"
"""i request to be castrated, doc.""
""eighty bucks. be right here, four o'clock.""
said a roommate, when through,
""you were circumcised too?""
""that's the word!!!"" (as he went into shock).
"
"back when biplanes and triplanes were king,
a cabane was a valuable thing.
it was mast-like, this shaft,
on the sides of those craft,
and was used for supporting the wing.
"
"anton cernak is unknown today
by most people, i'm sorry to say.
when a shot hit the car
that contained fdr,
he's the fellow who got in the way.
"
"dick cavett, not one of the herd,
was, to most, an intelligence nerd.
all his guests shared great learning
and viewpoints discerning?
no wonder his show finished third.
"
"hey benny! yeah, you! what's yer beef?
you can spare me the attitude, chief!
if you give me more sass,
i will kick yer damn ass,
and your stay on our beach'll be brief!
"
"william casey, it's possible, lied
when illegal concerns he denied.
""aid to contras? not us!
why these questions? this fuss?""
but before he could answer, he died.
"
"john denver was somewhat a pretty boy
whose fans often thought him a witty boy.
he said life on a farm
held, for him, a great charm,
but not me; i thank god i'm a city boy!
"
"mister laffs is a confident guy.
there's no job he's not willing to try.
""do you think you could make
people laugh at a wake?""
""piece o' cake,"" his laconic reply.
"
"there are narcs who, i'm sure, will insist
that the white house drug policy list
is correct, but i say
people don't speak that way.
several things on that list can't exist.
"
"""a 45-minute psychosis
is a drug-induced form of hypnosis,""
said the dealer to me.
but i said, ""dmt
sounds a lot like some kind of neurosis.""
"
"i had thought that the grass looked ok,
so i bought some for me and renee.
""we've been burned,"" i announce.
""eighty dollars an ounce
for oregano's too much to pay!""
"
"it's called brain damage! no one with brains
would put heroin into their veins.
with your head filled with horse,
you will feel no remorse,
only madness?insanity reigns!
"
"i was nailed by a narc, sgt. long,
who then ordered, ""define the word bong!""
i played dumb, saying, ""well,
it's the sound of a bell.""
as he slapped on the cuffs, he said, ""wrong!""
"
"in the news, here's an interesting item:
many smugglers hide drugs deep inside 'em.
body packers are sly.
between countries they'll fly,
back and forth again, ad infinitum.
"
"said a broken-down, beggarly hobo,
""i once played professional oboe.
i had style. i had class.
then i bought me some grass,
and my downfall began with that bo-bo.""
"
"if you're gonna get stoned, blue sky blond
is a name of which many are fond.
it's some powerful herb
with a high that's superb,
from colombian fields and beyond.
"
"i think it's an absolute downer
when cocaine is transformed to look browner
artificially, see?
beiging doesn't trick me,
but it might fool some dumb out-of-towner.
"
"a bazooka's a killer, indeed.
that's when crack is mixed in with your weed.
it's a joint that'll cause
intellectual flaws,
and your driving skills surely impede.
"
"musicians will not make a penny
from bootlegs, although there are many
such counterfeits sold,
some enough to go gold.
i am proud to say we haven't any.
"
"it's all over!  kaput!  pack your gear!
we're just not that compatible, dear.
my lifestyle, well known:
cabernet sauvignon?
whereas you are, at best, a lite beer.
"
"says a soldier from york named mckenny:
""in the falklands, a local's a 'benny.'
they're thick and they're slow,
second rate, don't you know,
and i hear they have tails and antennae.""
"
"""help wanted: cj, must work cheap,""
read the ad, ""many bennies you'll reap.""
the job we discussed is
chief judge (or chief justice) ?
low pay, but the robes i can keep.
"
"while it's true that i'm watching my pennies
since i'm only a busboy at denny's,
i have had an affair
with eight waitresses there.
the pay stinks, but you can't beat the bennies!
"
"the coffeehouse manager, faye,
to a sickly old man had to say:
""you must leave! please don't loiter.
your huge cabbage goiter
is driving my business away!""
"
"though my gal's a bit heavy, she's perky,
while most of our friends say i'm quirky.
i said, ""you know what?
you're my butterball!""  but
it's quite clear that it's me who's the turkey.
"
"""british toilets, we're sorry to say,
are too frequently barely ok.
to the world they are not
number one.  stop the rot!""
say the folks of the proud bta.
"
"when i meet a new woman i say,
right upfront, ""getting married? no way!""
i let each of them know
i will not be her beau
as i accent the fact that i'm gay.
"
"accelerated benefits come
not to all, but they do come to some.
if your life you're resigning,
this last silver lining
might keep you from being too glum.
"
"i'm not antireligion, per se;
i'm just not a ""church person,"" ok?
if that works for you, fine,
but that's your way, not mine.
let me worship my god my own way.
"
"the everyday language i use
deals with meanings i'd never confuse.
in my active vocabulary
are words like constabulary,
but not quahog, fusain, or chanteuse.
"
"my acid dyspepsia's flared
to the point where digestion's impaired.
gastric acid is burning;
my stomach is churning.
in my gut, world war three's been declared.
"
"kim cattrall is far more than just pretty.
she's the sexy in sex and the city.
but with parker as boss,
the result was her loss
of much time on the screen, a great pity.
"
"when it's corticosteroid-induced,
it's your acne that's given a boost.
if your dosage is set,
i suppose your best bet
is to go find a bar and get juiced.
"
"if it's acronym use you'd forgo,
the aaaaa needs your dough.
please make a donation!
it's the american association
against acronym abuse, doncha know!
"
"the weatherman here is advising
the forecast is rather surprising:
""it'll snow in july,
though the temps will stay high,
with a bp of thirty and rising.""
"
"to a pot luck thanksgiving in albuquerque,
i invited the baron de kalb (a turkey).
like the fictional hannibal
lector, a cannibal,
he brought an odd dish: kevin alberjerky.
"
"""cabin cruiser""?  that isn't amusing.
quite on purpose, his title's confusing.
he might make you see red
or bring laughter instead.
it depends on whose cabin he's cruising.
"
"there's a teapot that orbits the sun.
no one's seen it or knows how it's done.
but the church says it's true,
so be careful: when you
say you doubt it, your woes have begun.
"
"dick cheney, a typical male,
likes to shoot things when out on the trail.
now it can't be denied
that he's famous worldwide
for mistaking his friend for a quail.
"
"as a delegate termed apostolic,
you're a diplomat (largely symbolic)
from the vatican. there's
more to deal with than prayers;
what they need is a real workaholic.
"
"she said, ""christ is, believe it or not,
the sole path to redemption you've got.""
i'm not christian, you see,
so i told her, ""to me,
he's just something folks scream when they're shot.""
"
"cka is a nickname of mona's,
a young woman with many personas.
here's a hint to its meaning:
when help's intervening,
it's sybil she's commonly known as.
"
"the term cinder pig's one you might use
if a steel mill's the workplace you choose.
it's when pig iron's got
slag within it (a lot),
not some hog at a ball in glass shoes.
"
"acupressure massage helps the flow,
through your body, of chi, head to toe.
cynics say with a smirk
that this stuff shouldn't work.
why it does, true believers don't know.
"
"if you're under a medico's care,
but no physical contact is there,
absent healing, it's called,
and your cure is installed
through telepathy, magic, or prayer.
"
"""yes, it's true that i vowed to you, janet,
i'd be yours for my stay on this planet.
but, well, janet, meet sue.
we must say toodle-loo!""
(seems that promise was not carved in granite.)
"
"the news hit me hard, made me dizzy.
i felt all asteer, in a tizzy.
the mob says today
is the day i must pay,
and i'm broke.  i had better get busy!
"
"a 300-pound guy in a thong
doing jumping-jacks?  oh, that's just wrong!
calisthenics, they say,
is the healthier way,
but to this class i just say, ""so long!""
"
"a golf ball, a daisy, a pie:
they're called actinomorphous, but why?
when divided in two
by a plane going through
each one's middle, two twins you'll come by.
"
"the word barrel is not surfing hype.
also known as a tube or a pipe,
it's a wave you adore
if you're truly hardcore:
a real sun-bleached blond, hangin' ten type.
"
"on his first day of surfing, poor arnie
consumed too much chili con carne.
as he flailed in deep water,
folks hollered, ""you oughta
get out of the ocean, you barney!""
"
"abisselfa's a word from our past,
formed by other words spoken too fast.
back then scholars would say:
""a, by itself, a.""
it's no wonder this word didn't last!
"
"back in college, they called them ""the keg men.""
they're rich now, two butter-and-egg men.
close as two guys can get,
bosom buddies?  you bet!
(which is odd since they're clearly both leg men.)
"
"a caffer cat's one that is feral.
they're, of monkeys, more fun than a barrel.
found in africa, asia?
their claws will amaze ya.
you cuddle these things at your peril!
"
"abdominalgia's a word you won't see
unless first you become an m.d.
it's a pain in the gut
that's so bad, you know what?
i would rather you had it than me.
"
"""an accelerator clearly was used,""
said the arson inspector, confused.
when they thought it was diesel,
eduardo, this weasel
who drove a big rig, was accused.
"
"nostril bay boasts the world's largest crutch!
it's a tourist attraction, as such.
plus we lead several states
in our std rates.
(that's a fact we don't advertise much.)
"
"the brochure proclaimed darwin a sap:
titled how we got here? it's a snap!
""god produced us with ease?
we've no kin in the trees!""
yeah, just antievolutionist crap.
"
"he drinks, he does drugs, and he smokes,
and he laughs at his own stupid jokes.
no ambition, no clue,
and a boomeranger too:
33 and he's back with his folks!
"
"i swear that the next truck i lease
will employ biodiesel, denise.
from soybeans they take it,
but they also can make it
out of leftover restaurant grease!
"
"ceau?escu they'd never impeach.
from the law, he remained out of reach.
though he's now subterranean,
he's the only romanian
most can name besides nadia comaneci.
"
"paris hilton says jail will be hell.
oh, poor baby! that's such a ""hard cell.""
those jumpsuits? how tacky!
insist on bob mackie?
maybe tinkerbell-bottoms as well.
"
"we were carried downstream by the current.
some were drowning, but some of us weren't.
our life vests would save
more than one from the grave.
fear of death's an effective deterrent.
"
"in his novel, charles dickens relates
how young oliver twist and his mates
lived their lives, but did you
(and i swear this is true)
know that one guy was named master bates?
"
"there's a sweaty med student named brad
who in t-shirt and boxers is clad.
though it's forty degrees,
he's as hot as you please.
caumesthesia's driving him mad!
"
"long hours and teamwork will bless
our small mom & pop store with success.
(there's a son who will shirk
any manner of work,
but we carry him, nevertheless.)
"
"there is certainly no doubt about it:
i'm suffering a sexual drought.  it
ain't natural, see,
for a bearcat like me.
it's binturong that i've been without it!
"
"bigorexia sure must be tough:
to work out till you've muscles enough
for some twenty strong men,
but then time and again
in the mirror you ask, ""am i buff?""
"
"the date was an absolute bust
as her glare conveyed scathing disgust:
""there's a bed in my van
for a red-blooded man,
but you tell me you're fearful of dust?""
"
"you've become a most fearful recluse.
agraphobia? that's no excuse!
life is full, come what may.
you can't live every day
always fearful of sexual abuse.
"
"""is there something concerning you, dear?""
""no, there's not!""  (there's that tone.  did you hear?
i know how to perform
when her rage is a storm.
it's that calm that precedes it, i fear.)
"
"""'angel hair, angel dust, angel poke,
angel mist.' is this some kind of joke?""
""no, these slang terms you see,
all denote 'pcp,'
but not angie 'cause angie means 'coke.'""
"
"that cabbage-tree hat of big steve's
is the height of grand style, he believes.
with a cabbage-tree flair,
it's a broad-brimmed affair
worn in oz, made from cabbage-tree leaves.
"
"congregation, elation, foundation,
plantation, vacation, donation,
vibration, sensation,
they all end in -ation:
the easiest rhyme in creation.
"
"casual contact will not get you aids;
that's just not how the virus invades.
some conservative thugs
claim you'll get it from hugs
or from witnessing gay pride parades.
"
"the town council's enmeshed in a quarrel:
""our mayor's a thief! it's immoral!
first he says that it's 'lost?'
does he know what that cost?
no, his chain's not a benny mayoral!""
"
"it was bj?rk who decided to don
a dress that resembled a swan.
she clearly has passion
for avian fashion.
(let's hope that it doesn't catch on.)
"
"though her shoes (22s) cost big bucks,
when she started, lenore said, ""this sucks!
my immense ballet slippers
are bigger than flippers,
but i do do a mean pas de deux!""
"
"jeb's been crazy since i don't know when.
now he's building his cattle a pen
with lace curtains throughout
so, beyond any doubt,
he is barkin' at knots once again.
"
"so you ask, ""how's the coffee?"" p.u.!
it's just belly wash, weak, through and through.
more important than sex,
nowadays man expects
from a woman a good cup of brew.
"
"shallow water where cows stand and pee
may be labeled by cowboys beef tea.
as for cattleman humor,
i've heard a foul rumor
they serve this to greenhorns like me.
"
"he's no longer a young boy at play,
but address him as ""sir""? hell, no way!
father kids? yes, he can,
though he's not yet a man.
he's ""between hay and grass,"" as they say.
"
"a blame hypocrite, that's what i am,
since i cuss like i'm somebody's gram!
""speak your mind!"" that's what i'm
saying all the blame time.
(i say blame to avoid saying damn.)
"
"there's a bone orchard outside of town
that's enjoying a certain renown:
it's the final address
of a score, more or less,
of banditos the sheriff's gunned down.
"
"clem, i swear that it's hotter than hell!
let's sit down in a black spot a spell.
the shade from that tree
looks invitin' to me,
an' our horses could use it as well.
"
"broken wind? no, it's not what you think.
it does not involve noises or stink.
when this lung-based infection
escapes your detection,
your horse will not feel in the pink.
"
"i am writing a gruesome short story
of a miner they call ""chalk pit laurie.""
in the ending, her grave
is the place that first gave
her that nickname (i.e., it's a quarry).
"
"she was grey-haired, disfigured, obese,
shunned by family yet sought by police.
shooting pains in her side
only stopped when she died.
now, at last, this poor woman's at peace.
"
"at a bar: ""hey, sweet thang, yew are hot.
woudja care for a dance?"" ""i think not!""
her chilliness clearly
conveyed she sincerely
detested yours truly a lot.
"
"back home there's a rancher named aaron,
well known as a huge cattle baron.
i asked for one cow,
but he told me, ""no how!""
all that cattle and yet he ain't sharin'.
"
"""the term apple-pie order,"" says ty,
""is much more than just 'bring me some pie!'
it means everything's straight,
all in line, up to date,
systematic, with nothing awry.""
"
"if your chows like to sniff people's laps,
that's just rude. keep those dogs under wraps.
but if chow stands for ""food,""
how is chow-chow construed?
meals for cannibal canines, perhaps?
"
"you're eating calf slobbers?? oh, my!
that's disgusting, you cannot deny!
what? you say it's just slang,
that it's only meringue
like you find on the top of a pie?
"
"""on the river, a very smooth ride
is a bullboat."" our indian guide
told us, ""willow is used
for the frame which is fused
to an outside of buffalo hide.""
"
"there's a brand artist known as black bart
who is talented, agile, and smart.
put some cows in his hands
and he'll alter the brands.
yes, it's devious, but is it art?
"
"as a center, he's got what it takes.
when he rebounds, he makes no mistakes.
he can pass.  he can steal.
from the foul line?  ideal!
plus he's seven foot two above snakes.
"
"he was rough on the indians, slightly
(and, believe me, that's putting it lightly),
so they barked him one night?
took his scalp, then took flight.
now his hats do not fit quite so tightly.
"
"there's a pony, unshod, in the kitchen.
""he's barefoot, aunt may. quit yer bitchin'!""
auntie loves her wood floors
so: ""no shoes worn indoors!""
but we're usin' the pony's for pitchin'.
"
"anthrophobia's like a disease
where you want to escape to belize
and then shout to all people
from the highest church steeple:
""would you all stay away from me, please?""
"
"brontophobia surely is frightening.
it storms and i feel my chest tightening.
but while thunder i fear,
it's abundantly clear
what i ought to be scared of is lightning.
"
"other women i'll never pursue;
i'm completely devoted to you.
i don't think that you're fly
(you're quite loathsome); it's my
cainophobia?fear of the new.
"
"bogyphobia's hard to ignore.
there's a boogyman at your front door!!
many millions today
are affected this way.
(of course, most aren't much older than four.)
"
"you've got cacomorphobia, dude?
you're afraid of the way you look nude?
at some 400 pounds,
you're not making the rounds
of the singles bars. yeah, dude, you're screwed.
"
"batrachophobics are now on the road
to recovery, research has showed.
for you frog-fearing folk,
a full cure is no joke:
see your therapists?do as you're toad.
"
"bathophobic, dan's constant complaint
is great depths send him into a faint.
though he'll splash, like a fool,
in a child's wading pool,
jacques cousteau he most certainly ain't!
"
"a cremation is not my desire.
please don't build me a funeral pyre.
all my life, i have had
arsonphobia bad.
even dead, i'll be fearful of fire.
"
"aphephobia: that's why i cry,
""if you touch me once more, it's good-bye!
blow a kiss? that's ok
if you're ten feet away,
but your hugs make me curl up and die!""
"
"androphobic? a male? yep, that's me.
i'm as fearful of men as can be.
it's my wish most sincere:
they should all disappear.
maybe then i'd ""get lucky"" for free.
"
"if an anagram pair's a mismatch,
it's an antigram that you will hatch.
like united ? untied,
when they're seen side by side
they're completely unlike?that's the catch.
"
"it's called acne mechanica when
you have acne already and then
there's additional friction
to cause this affliction.
you've opened the lesions again.
"
"when the roosters in chuck's chicken coop
were laid up with a bout of the croup,
said a hen, with a cluck,
as she simmered poor chuck,
""chuck 'n noodle's my favorite soup!""
"
"when the highways come up for regrooving,
it's the streets, not my mood, they're improving.
dammit! beeeeeeeeeeeee-
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-
eeeeeeeep!!  why is nobody moving?!
"
"an ambsace, i'm here to assert,
is like lint that might cling to your shirt.
it's the least you can count
of the smallest amount
of a substance as worthless as dirt.
"
"""it's my monarchy, dammit!"" cried barney.
then he added, ""i'm king of killarney!
so without kings and queens,
the term chiliarchy means
royal rule by the chile con carne!""
"
"walking into a gunfight unarmed,
twelve are shot?but not me; i'm unharmed.
in the plague last july,
hundreds died, but not i.
people claim that my life must be charmed.
"
"who was ""mr. tv""? yep, you guessed right!
every tuesday, back then, was the best night.
milton berle's great renown:
doing schtick in a gown.
strange how tv today means ""transvestite.""
"
"he declared, ""she's a right 44
with great looks, 44s, and what's more:
if bazongas that size
aren't what gives you a rise,
there are other locales to explore!""
"
"half the chickens in chuck's chicken coop
had been ailing; he thought it was croup.
so he slaughtered a hen
who was healthy, and then
he could feed all the rest chicken soup.
"
"""miss tabasco,"" delores velasco,
was drowned in a brutal chubasco.
thunder, lightning, and more
tore the swimsuit she wore.
the entire event? a fiasco!
"
"if i catch you, bernice, banging him,
i'll bemangle your beau limb from limb!
torn asunder, he'll die,
and you'll kiss him goodbye
in a scene quite incredibly grim.
"
"her radiant smile expressed joy
as she lay on the beach in st croix.
she was beaming. tom cruise
then delivered great news:
""congratulations, my love. it's a boy!""
"
"""the stag had a beam on his head.""
""musta rammed some construction,"" i said.
""you're an idiot, clem!
that's the principal stem
from which antlers develop instead.""
"
"a bimaculate pony named ""dots""
was all black 'cept for two small white spots.
it's this trait she displays
when she's set out to graze
or on racetracks on which dotty trots.
"
"this ""jive talk"" is just a device,
but a word to the wise should suffice:
no one's buying your blaccent,
this ""hip"" ghetto accent.
why should they? you're whiter than rice!
"
"aban numbers will not have an a
when they're written in english this way:
twenty-five, sixty-seven,
four million eleven,
and more. what's their use? who's to say?
"
"in the wings of all hawks there are beams.
that is not as far-fetched as it seems.
they are feathers whose length
help to give the wing strength.
like to fly like a hawk? in your dreams!
"
"the main part of a plow, i have heard,
with the handles and colter secured,
to which oxen are linked
has a name that's distinct
from the rest: it's a beam. what a word!
"
"from the bar of a balance suspended
are scales. honest weight is intended.
but that bar, it would seem,
has been labeled a beam.
any questions? you've got that, now? splendid!
"
"the hounds have a fox up a tree,
and their frenzy is something to see.
in an old-fashioned way,
we would say they're abay,
an expression of hunting dog glee.
"
"sammy cahn had no cause to complain
'bout the heights that his songs would attain.
he had ""high hopes,"" it's true,
and, before world war ii,
wrote a song called ""bei mir bist du schoen.""
"
"as a chef, i work hard for my pay.
before noon, i set out the buffet?
twenty dishes (that's lots!)?
then scrubbed thirty-eight pots.
that's enough; i should call it a day.
"
"it is fame (not just fortune) i seek.
but what makes me a media freak?
cacoethes scribendi!
cacoethes loquendi!
the obsession to write and to speak.
"
"take my picture?  that's something i dread.
it's so bad, on the day i was wed
i was so camera shy,
in each shot i'm the guy
in a tux with a bag on his head.
"
"when protesting the nuclear plants,
we depended on televised rants
like, ""hell no, we won't glow!""
but then folks in the know
said, ""we can't leave this all up to chants.""
"
"despite fear of failure, man's driven
to look for a mate?that's a given.
in terms of romance, he
agrees that it's chancy,
but what the hell, life is for livin'!
"
"bill's in love with a dominant dame
who has total control as her aim.
on a leash (held by her),
though his collar is fur,
when she pulls, it'll chafe just the same.
"
"for an odd psychological frolic,
link people with foodstuffs symbolic.
my lover says she
sees in me a chablis,
meaning white, semi-dry, alcoholic.
"
"it was arnold the fifth, count of loon,
who caused middle age maidens to swoon.
he backed guy of dampierre
against philip the fair,
and his passing made war opportune.
"
"in an engine, a vital connection
'tween the crankshaft and piston rod section
is a lever we deem
to assign the name beam.
to run well, each must work to perfection.
"
"if you're going to travel by sewer,
don't swim.  be instead a canoer.
while within your canoe
you've a much better view,
and the times that you puke will be fewer.
"
"""you're new in town. i'm heidi fleiss.
let me give you some friendly advice:
mary ann is a dream,
skin like peaches and cream,
and she's cheap at,"" she smiled, ""twice the price.""
"
"he's a huckster, a cheap-jack, a crook!
and he thinks that i'm some kinda schnook.
shoddy goods, phony credit,
i'm screwed! there, i said it!
he knows every trick in the book!
"
"though the prices in stores may be steep,
""as ye sow,"" they say, ""so shall ye reap.""
it's no bargain if i
go to jail when i buy
out of somebody's trunk on the cheap.
"
"poultry farmer loretta would sleep
with just any unsavory creep.
tiny chicks in her care
of her type were aware.
they proclaimed to the world, ""cheap! cheap! cheap!""
"
"red vw, '73,
new pw, batt, & ac,
auto, cruise, abs,
ps no, pl yes,
with low mi & vg mpg.
"
"accounting insolvency means
that your company isn't worth beans.
biggest failure in town,
you're submerged, goin' down,
like a fleet of defunct submarines.
"
"there's a drug lab that some call muy bueno
in the east texas city of plano.
they make christmas tree meth,
yet i'd think you'd risk death
taking drugs that were made out of drano.
"
"james whistler, it's clear, was ecstatic.
the praise from his fans was emphatic.
he'd painted his mother
to look like no other
in colors we call achromatic.
"
"ch, if you're in the uk,
means ""companion of honour,"" they say.
it's bestowed by the queen,
so its opposite's seen
as fwp (usa).
"
"when i first wed that demon nicole,
not husband but slave was my role.
ten years later i find
that i no longer mind.
accustomation has taken its toll.
"
"on his deathbed, the gangster mike finn
was decrying the state he was in:
""while i never done time
for a lifetime of crime,
soon i'll answer for every last sin.""
"
"you think opium use is splendidious?
its pleasures are clearly insidious.
once the high goes away,
a bleak after-dream may
serve to show that your real world is hideous.
"
"i admit when i heard con man claude
give his pitch, i was suitably awed.
""airless tires, you know,
can't be punctured!"" although
simple physics reveals he's a fraud.
"
"the 30.06 is a rifle
with which you do not want to trifle.
i covet the chance
to go shoot one in france
from that tower that's really an eyeful.
"
"please make a donation today
to your local a.s.p.c.a.
and when the time comes
for new four-legged chums,
see them first.  save the life of a stray!
"
"a man by the name of ralph wood
built a bridge that he feared was no good,
so he jumped from its height
to his death one sad night,
though he'd built it as best as he could.
"
"it was jennifer m. capriati
who astounded the sports literati.
this tennis persona
took gold (barcelona),
but since then her play has been spotty.
"
"""he's my favorite comic,"" says fifi,
""because his physique isn't beefy.
but his name, carrot top,
makes no sense for the mop
on his head surely ain't green and leafy!""
"
"cigs are killing this limerick writer
(emphysema). they call me a fighter,
but they warn how i'll die
will be matchless, so i
say, ""don't worry, i've switched to a lighter.""
"
"to terrorize, threaten, or bully
is an act i don't understand fully.
i don't bulldoze. not me!
all true bullies agree
i'm so sheepish, i'm actually wooly!
"
"this knife in my chest makes me pray
you'll stop over-reacting, renee.
though i say you're a horse
and i want a divorce,
there's no call to be angry that way.
"
"i'm autistic, a puzzle to some.
i'm not ""rain man,"" retarded, or dumb.
though i'm different, indeed,
i'm not someone you need
tell your children to stay away from.
"
"a thug gives a woman a smash.
is he raping her? stealing her cash?
now the thrashing gets worse?
he's not stealing her purse.
they're just dancing. it's called the apache.
"
"the apaches sipped wine and ate brie?
i don't see how this ever could be.
but it's true. they were thugs,
the most menacing mugs
spreading crime on the streets of paree.
"
"chicken soup! though the bowl i am lickin',
it's causing my glasses to thicken.
""homemade soup,"" mother cries,
""can't be bad for your eyes.""
""well, i'm straining them looking for chicken!""
"
"when i'm making my floral selections
for ladies who share my affections,
""biacuminate, please,""
i will ask for, since these
have two points but in different directions.
"
"with our wedding just two days ahead,
you're declaring the flowers ""light red""
when you'd wanted them pink.
well, you know what i think?
you chicane 'cause you don't want to wed!
"
"""it's called 'cadmium orange juice,' lynn,
though its flavor's decidedly thin.""
(please don't tell her i've brought her
a glass of the water
i'm soaking my paint brushes in!)
"
"""is the caller there?"" phil wants to know
on his program (now canceled).  ""hello?""
people used to call in,
""i'm in love with my twin,""
thus becoming a part of the show.
"
"?iell hammett was ?ingly dressed
and with fine haber?ery blessed.
it was balder? brash
to say he'd dine & ?
in a slap? ?iki unpressed.
"
"james arness: for two decades his reign
over dodge made him tv's john wayne.
this twenty-year ride
in one role was just tied
by that radio doc, frasier crane.
"
"acts of union are used to create
brand new nations. they made britain great
and produced the u.k.,
and the next one, some say,
will make england our fifty-first state.
"
"he's a sweet-natured, likable rube?
a cherubic, angelical boob.
for his birthday next week
there's a present i seek:
a cherubic's (i'm sorry, guys!) cube.
"
"i'm your character reference? why?
did you think to your new boss i'd lie?
if i'm asked to convey
your best trait, i will say,
""well, he's fun to watch work when he's high.""
"
"a chatroom's a garden of eden,
or else it's a place to mislead in.
how else to explain
why each one will contain
twenty oversexed virgins from sweden?
"
"i will not define cackly abstractly;
i'll define it quite matter-of-factly.
have you heard henhouse noise
from the girls (not the boys)?
that's this term's definition egg-zactly.
"
"the word calice, i'm sorry, provokes
the most rank definitional jokes.
like: this chalice was used
by a priest who, confused,
said ""let's get the h. outta here, folks!""
"
"john caldwell calhoun, doncha know,
was an early vp who said, ""yo!
if a state don't agree
with what comes from d.c.,
they can give it the legal heave ho!""
"
"the chinning bar salesman had said,
""installation is foolproof!"" instead,
i installed it too high
in a doorway. when i
started chinning, i cracked my damn head!
"
"""here's the absolute address,"" said kate,
""of a website i've used as of late.
there's a mailbox as well
at this fixed url
(though it's lacking a city and state).""
"
"""i've an amp for my trumpet,"" claimed fred.
he played a few notes.  my ears bled!
""your invention's effective,
but what's your objective?""
""i want to reach neptune,"" he said.
"
"my dad's a gymnastics fanatic.
let athletes score 10s? he's ecstatic!
stunts like handstands by stars
on the parallel bars
make him shout out, ""now, that's acrobatic!""
"
"though they seem such an obvious tease,
they're just booth bunnies, eager to please.
at a trade show, cute lasses
will wiggle their asses,
the better to market rvs.
"
"at first, this connecticut hippie
grew up where the weather is nippy.
but now i am stuck, see,
right here in biloxi
in southern (unhip) mississippi.
"
"as the pretty young girls run along,
from your park bench, you lust?that's so wrong!
you wear hideous clothes.
snot runs out of your nose.
(can't believe you're the star of this song!)
"
"i was told on the day my leg went,
""you should look on the bright side.""  they meant
despite trouble with stairs,
now my athlete's foot cares
were diminished by fifty percent.
"
"you'll develop your cultural smarts?
maybe learn to read musical charts.
you can paint, sculpt or act.
with great talent it's packed:
the cab calloway school of the arts.
"
"is a man's tarnished character polishable
because barrels and stills are demolishable?
prohibition proved no.
you can ban drinking, though
the desire to drink's not abolishable.
"
"mr. big is top notch; he's grade a.
feet of clay? i'd say, ""no way, jos?!""
he's the top of the heap,
good as gold, yet dirt cheap.
all together now: ""hip, hip, clich?!""
"
"our new film's not a hit 'cause it's starless.
it's cherless and hedy lamarrless.
while the plot is ok,
in an adequate way,
all the critics say, ""close, but cigarless.""
"
"though he sailed spraddle creek with bravado,
the asthmatic yet fierce desperado
succumbed there at dockside
to co
while mooring at vail co.
"
"my uncle's a hundred and one,
so of course we all ask how it's done.
""it's clean living,"" he claims
""no wild parties, no dames,
no excitement, no drinking, no fun.""
"
"as a paid debauchee, miss michelle
would attend to elite clientele.
every man was assured
she'd divulge not a word:
they were all ""clien-no-tell"" as well.
"
"global warming alarmist al gore
spreads a truth, inconvenient, and more:
""melting glaciers will make
new york city a lake!""
(that's a clerihew, lines one through four.)
"
"father john is a cleric and bearer
of news that, by rites, should be rarer.
seems a test will reveal
he's a father for real,
the result of a clerical error.
"
"it was quite a tumultuous scene
as i showered and ten or fifteen
men in blue said, ""get dressed,
you are under arrest!""
but i said to them, ""coppers, i'm clean.""
"
"said a basketball pro named laroche,
whose techniques were beyond all reproach,
""as a coach, i'm first class,
so when i park my ass
on a plane, it's first class and not coach.""
"
"first day fishing, dad told me, ""christine,
every fish that you catch, you must clean.""
on the lake, i did well,
but now mom's mad as hell
since i screwed up her washing machine.
"
"in cairo, we found an inscription
that defied our attempts at decryption.
though that capital city
is nice, it's a pity
that no one spoke ancient egyptian.
"
"""there's a bumblebee spy,"" said the flea,
""watching bugs by the caspian sea.
he's so secretive (very!)
and cautiously wary,
he goes by the name 'cagey bee'!""
"
"in three months on the job as park ranger,
you've left twenty-six people in danger,
so a switch has been made.
in the kiddie arcade,
from now on you're a dollar bill changer.
"
"""all that glitters,"" they say, ""is not gold,""
but this b.s., i'm sorry, gets old.
if it glitters, i say
why not stash it away?
(my garage is a sight to behold!)
"
"my cigarette holder (no joking)
is both practical and thought-provoking.
as a primary strength,
it's two meters in length.
it helps keep me away, see, from smoking.
"
"the sausage that's called andouillette
contains meats that are easy to get
such as chitlins and tripe.
so might this be the type
i would pass on?  i'd say, ""oh, you bet!""
"
"cinderella, rewritten for rubes,
rated ""r"", will go straight down the tubes.
you can blame warner brothers
for the fairy godmother's
bare bibbidi-bobbidi-boobs.
"
"i was holding two sevens, that's all,
and the pot, for the moment, was small.
i did not want to raise
or to fold.  patience pays
in a hand such as this, so: ""i call.""
"
"under apple trees, easy to grapple,
lies a fruit that becomes liquid apple.
apple juice, so they say,
keeps the doctor away.
have a glassful each day if poss-apple.
"
"there's a speeder called leadfooted rose:
she bears down on the gas ? off she goes!
while the others drive slow,
her insane ""go, go, go!""
keeps the highway patrol on its toes.
"
"the beams of a ship, made of wood,
stretch from starboard to port, understood?
i once built me a ship.
it was yar?a real pip!
they supported the decks for me good.
"
"said a wise automotive recorder,
""oft crossing the portuguese border
was a car with the name
abadal. and its fame?
it was first,"" here he smiled, ""in what order?""
"
"""spontaneity doesn't mean squat
to this lady,"" she said. ""tell you what:
to get into my pants,
don't leave nada to chance!
calculatedness?  that makes me hot!""
"
"i cried, ""daddy, please buy me a bow-wow!""
he responded, ""do not have a cow now!
you've got your damn cat,
so be happy with that.
to a dog, i just cannot kowtow now.""
"
"once a general bragged to his aide,
""i'm a man who has guts, unafraid
to wear bullion so bright
on my shoulders at night!""
unimpressed, ""sir, it's only gold braid.""
"
"arrgh! take care how ye handle that, matey.
condensed beef in a bar, and quite weighty,
makes a broth we hold dear.
the directions are clear:
""beef bullion?add water?serves eighty.""
"
"can't believe that producers are talking
'bout a film with two criminals stalking
this kid while he's filling
in cracks, and top billing
will go to macaulay (groan!) caulking.
"
"in memoirs of a woman of pleasure
(a book you should read at your leisure),
an abyss (metaphorically)
of joy was, historically,
a source of delight without measure.
"
"from its fossils, there ain't no denyin'
the size of the massive cave lion.
take the present-day beast:
it was bigger at least
by a quarter without even tryin'.
"
"it was she who proposed, so confess!
when she put on perfume and that dress
that was cut down to here,
and said, ""marry me, dear?""
you were buffaloed into a yes!
"
"for the finest in surfing regalia,
just the thing for your next bacchanalia,
get some board shorts for swimmin'.
be attractive to women!
they're both knee-length and huge in australia.
"
"her skin tone's described as caf?
(like a light milky coffee) au lait.
the ""paper bag test""
shows this woman's been blessed.
is this racist?  quite likely, i'd say.
"
"an anatine gal is my daughter.
she floats very nicely on water.
she eats corn.  she has wings
based on technical things
and procedures the navy has taught her.
"
"i'm not catty like stephanie silk
or those of that gossipy ilk.
can't say who is the greater?
oh!  there you are, waiter.
please bring me a saucer of milk.
"
"every birthday, aunt babs would send cash.
each thanksgiving? a huge family bash!
christmas, easter, and more,
she'd throw parties galore
with great celebratory panache.
"
"simple acne atrophica:  zits
with residual scarring and pits.
but if you've got petrol-
eum acne, poor soul,
from your job at the pumps, call it quits.
"
"the big pasture holds nobody surlier.
and nuts? i'm sure no one is squirrelier.
though he's there, it appears,
for the next thirty years,
good behavior could get him out earlier.
"
"when that dog bared its teeth for a while,
even gramps ran a five-minute mile.
though it prompted our fears,
life is rough, it appears,
for a pit bull just trying to smile.
"
"some fame that is finite and fleeting,
a shirt with a loser-themed greeting,
a magnet so thin
it's as light as a pin?
can't believe it's for these we're competing.
"
"in the '50s a real hot tamale,
fran allison, warbled, by golly!
but her greatest renown
came with kukla the clown
and a single-toothed dragon named ollie.
"
"the female acadian owl
is monogamous (not on the prowl).
but when babies are hatched,
she is then unattached,
though this may cause her hubby to growl.
"
"you're amoral? you don't have a code
that will guide you down life's bumpy road.
but immoral? it's clear
that you do have one, dear,
but despite it, your sins haven't slowed.
"
"for the film, tony's aunt from milano,
last seen warbling atop a piano,
will be flown in to ""sing""
at the trial. here's the thing:
she's a coloratura soprano.
"
"i was called on the carpet today
by my boss, who had little to say:
""if you value your life,
you'll stop screwing my wife.""
then he thanked me and sent me away.
"
"speaking friday, with shame undisguised,
""i'm a loser, disparaged, despised,
and disdained. i can't fight.
i won't go out tonight.""
""oh, don't beat yourself up,"" friends advised.
"
"laryngitis gripped me and my kin,
so i called at the home of doc quinn.
to his wife, i croaked, ""faye,
is the doc in today?""
""he's asleep,"" she replied, ""c'mon in.""
"
"you've just got to see ""hot hannah"" knapp dance!
she's a stripper, so don't expect tap dance.
her coarse costume of jute
made from bags looks real cute,
and a twenty will buy a burlap dance.
"
"baby buggy: four wheels and a seat,
plus a baby to make it complete.
here's a joke i'll revive:
tell me, how do you drive
a baby buggy?  you tickle his feet!
"
"""my transmission goes 'wheee! klonck-klonck! wheee!'""
the mechanic just marks ""cnd.""
""what's the source? are you deaf?""
he jots down ""cnf,""
and then hands me my bill and my key.
"
"baffled guards looked on uncomprehendingly,
as the convicts poured past them unendingly.
armed with pistols and ropes,
sneering: ""guards are all dopes,""
they rappelled to the ground condescendingly.
"
"in the front of a truck is its cab
where the driver and passengers gab.
in the back there is room
for your kids, i assume,
or a mobile amphetamine lab.
"
"if you're looking for something to eat,
i would not recommend shooting skeet.
while clay pigeons are fun
when they're felled by a gun,
after cleaning there's damn little meat.
"
"though it opened to critics' acclaim,
my new play was a flop. i'm to blame
since the title, so vital
to any recital,
was closed for repairs. (no one came.)
"
"i signed on as a pirate's apprentice,
but soon getting lost would torment us.
""you do not have a head
for the mapwork,"" they said.
""you're a clear case of non compass mentis.""
"
"""high colonics r us"" should have known
i'm too new to be left on my own.
i proceeded to make
a dumb rookie mistake:
the colonics aren't done with cologne.
"
"first the polar bear bridesmaids, complete
with the minister, beat a retreat.
then the groom and the bride
and best man went to hide.
every single last one had cold feet.
"
"in st. louis, a horse they revere
is the working-class clydesdale, i hear.
hairy hooves make it chic
and its job is unique:
it's the only horse bred to sell beer.
"
"he writes verse to his love then withdraws it,
since his sense of decorum outlaws it.
how i wish he could say,
""friends and family, i'm gay.""
only mothballs belong in a closet.
"
"this liberal thinker was blinded
by her beauty but oh, what her whine did:
""buy me shoes, a new dress?
my whole wardrobe's a mess!""
so i split. she was just too clothes minded.
"
"my new novel has critics contending
the title's in need of defending:
doctor huxtable goes
to the gallows. god knows
it's a cliffhanger. don't tell the ending!
"
"i was telling my husband, jerome,
""in atlanta or reno or nome,
chorophobics, we two,
could be living. who knew
that we'd someday make charleston our home?""
"
"a forest park ranger named uma
battled agrizoophobia in yuma.
she is fearful no more
of wild animals, for
she was eaten last week by a puma.
"
"i remarked to my buddy, a scot,
""ken, your sister's exceedingly hot!
she is such a good-looker,
i hear she's a hooker.""
""ach! ablins,"" he said, ""ablins not.""
"
"that incompetent rower mcnabb
with his oar gave the water a jab.
his recovery stroke
made a splash (he's a joke!),
and that flaw they call catching a crab.
"
"""your blind date is an absolute dream!
her complexion's like peaches and cream,
and her name is michelle.""
""how's her figure?"" ""ummm... well,
she's a little bit broad in the beam.""
"
"if your adjective's ending in able,
but an adverb's more suitable, mabel,
hyphen-a-b-l-y
is the suffix to try.
tricks like these will good writing enable.
"
"celebreality shows are a bore.
like the anna nicole show?what for?!
i believe every star
in each series so far
is an outright publicity whore.
"
"it's not likely you'll ever misspell
cattycorner, but still why the hell
should we use this strange word,
with its spellings absurd,
when diagonal works just as well?
"
"i've a bible bump here on my wrist
that i think is some kind of a cyst.
you prescribe i should slam it
with a bible? goddammit!
that's a treatment i think i'll resist!
"
"bibliothecarial: a word that i chose,
since its meaning i'm sure no one knows.
this term will relate
to a library. (great!
now that's finished, come take off your clothes!)
"
"it's a problem we have to approach
(as the quarterback sucks on a roach)
with the team 0 and 8
and each man overweight.
the solution?  you fire the coach!
"
"be they king of the realm or some bumpkin,
a coach is a place you can dump kin
in horse-drawn sedans,
nineteenth century vans
made of wood or, in one case, a pumpkin.
"
"there's a word that shouts: ""this crime is worse!""
for example, some thug steals a purse.
does he grab it and run?
no, this punk has a gun
to intimidate, threaten, coerce.
"
"for the prom, i will get me a perm
at a new (and pc) 8(a) firm.
i will take me a bus
down to lepers r us,
though the prospect, it's true, makes me squirm.
"
"an ace is a car that's not kiddish,
and adults would be wise to feel skittish
while driving this baby;
it's 85, maybe?
95, more or less, if it's british.
"
"with hips that were bell-shaped, this flapper
invited me in to unwrap her,
but i passed.  here's the thing:
that which makes a bell ring
is that part on the inside, the clapper.
"
"for conditions or qualities, nancy,
words are frequently ending in ancy,
for example there's vagrancy,
pregnancy, flagrancy
and more. it's a snap?nothing fancy.
"
"every kansan is quick to explain,
""california is not cismontane.
we can plainly foresee
transmontane they will be
for as long as the rockies remain.""
"
"to keep your wife satisfied, mister,
insist that no man could resist her.
say she's smart and good-looking,
each day praise her cooking,
and don't have an affair with her sister!
"
"q??p3?m??d6?x
t1?v??l??a??m
w??g??e??y??s
o5?g??i??w??u
b4?n??e??g2?l
were debating the best games to play:
""i've been greatly impressed
by cathedral.""  ""the best!
but monopoly?  no way, jos?.""
"
"i struck gold on a mountain one day,
but then bushwhackers stole it away.
though such thefts are dismaying,
my french friends are saying:
""la vie,"" philosophically, ""c'est.""
"
"agent b-21 said, ""i'll buy her ring.""
(to make agent first class, he's aspiring.)
""to a spy ring, with my ring,
i could be aspiring,
since no spy would ever defy her ring!""
"
"the gunman said, ""give me your money.""
this guy, it seems, thought he was funny.
i offered him twenty.
(i thought that was plenty.)
""let's compromise. give me your money!""
"
"all his jokes are obscene, heaven knows,
as he riffs about junkies and hos.
stand-up comedy's what
he aspires to, but
working clean, no one comes to his shows.
"
"altitudinarians often have flights
of fancy: their names up in lights.
they're the types who aspire
to climb ever higher.
their goals are the highest of heights.
"
"kirstie alley, once bloated, looks great,
since her figure has shrunk as of late.
acting talent? somewhat.
i'm not wild for her, but
she's a diva at taking off weight.
"
"bachelor's buttons are things that the spring'll
produce where the wildflowers mingle.
double flowers have they,
like the cornflower, say.
they are not what guys push when they're single.
"
"you're invited to visit ""auld reekie.""
toss cabers!  eat haggis!  get freaky!
up beside the north sea,
if you ever should be
in that neighborhood, come take a peekie!
"
"she's the ""irish-est"" gal i have seen.
just for starters, her name is colleen.
this sweet colleen, it's true,
makes a mean irish stew,
and drinks harp, dances jigs, and wears green.
"
"the fifties saw bomb shelters crowned
as the greatest protection around.
life is calmer today.
now, i'm happy to say,
they're just big furnished holes in the ground.
"
"when federal law intervenes
to save lives, we will use any means.
the once-threatened condor
flies freely out yonder.
let's now try to save new orleans.
"
"twenty-seven pile out of a car
wearing costumes and make-up bizarre.
clowns exist to spread cheer,
so then why this deep fear?
coulrophobic, that's just what you are.
"
"""with bimanual palpation,"" said jean,
""the doctor examined my spleen.
his two-handed probing
soon led to disrobing
and more, if you know what i mean.""
"
"but wait, there is more: the plot thickens!
this guy, whom i hate like the dickens,
this catchpole just may,
in a time-honored way,
go ""arrest"" and round up all my chickens!
"
"""this chart shows we'd sell more camaros
if everyone wore huge sombreros.""
""well, boxology's grand
for a chain of command,
but there's more here than boxes and arrows.""
"
"""bump those sheep with your noggins,"" said brad
to the butler and maids that they had.
""none are male. on your knees!""
but gram phelps disagrees:
""help don't have to butt ewes. it be mad!""
"
"""butter cookies? my goodness!!"" dad yelps
at his daughter young peggy sue phelps.
""so much butter? i'm mad!""
she said, ""calm yourself, dad.
you don't have to be mad. butter helps!""
"
"baba yaga's a witch who may fling
good advice or your ass in a sling.
crude behavior she rids,
though she might eat your kids.
""baba wawa""? no, not the same thing.
"
"""my press coverage stinks! what's the matter?""
cries bush. ""it's all anti-war chatter.""
(you say craziness helps?
no, our ""president phelps""
is quite clearly as mad as a hatter!)
"
"an andy gump snake has no chin,
since its lower jaw's tucked deep within.
then again, snakey faces
don't show many traces
of jaws. none are jay leno's twin.
"
"abdominal reflexes?  you
have an uncle or grandfather who
thinks you're still nine months old.
'round your sides he'll grab hold,
then dig in with both hands, ""gitchy coo!!""
"
"at the wedding, all present agreed it
was a beautiful function.  indeed, it
is commonly how
people auspicate now,
saying, ""good luck!"" (...then cynics: ""you'll need it!"")
"
"""here's a bent that you might like to try,""
said the salesman, a glint in his eye.
""at a thousand bucks, new,
well, the least you could do
is to straighten it out!"", my reply.
"
"oh, absinthe!  when young, how i'd savor
its ethereal licorice flavor!
it would get you pie-eyed,
but then several folks died,
and it's since fallen much out of favor.
"
"""worms just ten cents a pound!"" (yeah, that's rich)
claimed the ad. said the clerk, ""there's a hitch.
worms for fishing? we're out.
want a horsewhip?"" no doubt
this is why it is called bait and switch.
"
"she had promised unlimited bliss
if i changed her to ""mrs."" from ""miss.""
twelve kids later, i find
to my lot i'm resigned,
but i sure didn't bargain on this!
"
"her doctor advised, ""on reflection,
good hygiene provides some protection,
but you've picked up a fungus
that's common among us:
a candida vaginal infection.""
"
"back down on the goose farm some clown,
with this pitch, would make grandfather frown:
""back down! make a killing
with plastic foam filling.""
not gramps! he would always back down.
"
"a boomer's a wave no one rides,
since the craziest surfer confides:
""those huge bonecrushers can
just devour you, man,
leaving sea gulls to munch your insides!""
"
"call waiting?  i hate it!  and why?
seems i'm always the number two guy.
i'll be talking with lynne,
someone else will beep in,
then: ""i'll call ya tomorrow.  g'bye.""
"
"by the badminton bug i've been bitten.
bright white shuttlecocks i have been hittin'.
but i'm calling it badders
because, where it matters,
do you call it bad-minton or -mitten?
"
"when a whale has been beached, it is key
that we get the poor thing back to sea.
on the beach, it will die,
so the volunteers try
daring rescues as shown on tv.
"
"""a beach towel is larger than most,""
she advised. i was wholly engrossed
as she lay in the sand
fully nude as she tanned,
her complexion the color of toast.
"
"the cameraman wasn't so hot.
he'd shoot scenes out of focus a lot.
all his colors were bland,
he would undercrank, and
there were boom mikes in every damn shot.
"
"three auerbachs make our lives brighter.
first there's red.  as a coach, he's a fighter.
then there's frank.  he's an artist.
and last up, the smartest,
our jane is a limerick writer.
"
"my lover, a mermaid, casts mystical
and magical spells cabalistical.
she's gorgeous, no doubt,
but she's also half trout,
which presents us with problems logistical.
"
"""in the midst of a war, life is cheap
with our soldiers as so many sheep,""
is the cynical view
of the uncaring few.
""just to count them can put you to sleep.""
"
"when you beamed me that file electronically,
i answered your email, ironically,
""this was funny as hell!""
(it was not!) ""lol!""
you can't tell i was speaking sardonically.
"
"you're blue.  your mom's dead and you're grieving.
yet some ""therapy"" that you're receiving
from a waitressing friend
helps your spirits ascend.
you should leave a nice tip azure leaving.
"
"i accriminate you! your wrongdoing?
all the underaged porn you've been viewing!
that unspeakable smut
you're collecting is what
even reprobate scum are eschewing!
"
"passing boeing in sales? no, not yet.
still there's one thing you cannot forget:
there can be no mistaking
that airbus is making
the world's largest passenger jet.
"
"in the '50s, my ant farm was strewn
with those six-legged farmers, but soon
came a change, right or wrong.
they all grew their hair long
and established the first ant commune.
"
"if you're not into furniture hauling,
or slaughtering hogs or dry walling,
perhaps you should take up
this challenge: sell make-up.
""hello!"" it's: ""ding-dong, avon calling!""
"
"the great war had not yet come to be
when a store opened up selling tea.
it expanded and then
slowly shrank down again.
it's the food chain we call a&amp;p.
"
"i expect to grow older with grace
and alone the grim reaper i'll face.
i don't want to be stuck
in a ""home"" (that would suck!),
a decision called ""aging in place.""
"
"""he is almost a general,"" said ruth,
""and he finds the enlisted uncouth.
drunken sergeants, he's said,
are too often ill bred.""
(and in that there's a colonel of truth.)
"
"made from leather with waistbands elastic,
bomber jackets are truly fantastic!
debonaire! sleek! a ""10""!
how appropriate then
to describe them in language bombastic.
"
"an albatross killing occurred,
and the mariner's penance? absurd!
but his great-great-great-great-
great-great-grandaughter's fate?
her name's bj?rk and she too wore a bird.
"
"bomb aimer: a term you won't hear
very frequently after the year
1980 or so.
he would let the bombs go,
though in yank-speak the word's bombardier.
"
"i've had five colonoscopies. none of them
were pleasant. that's why we make fun of them.
this photography brings
to your mind many things
as they shoot. (saying ""cheese!"" isn't one of them.)
"
"here's a pope who is easily missed:
held the job for one month (i'd be pissed!).
""don't get comfortable, please.""
(so said otto.) now he's
tied for tenth on the ""shortest reigns"" list.
"
"though the trial was, in short, an atrocity?
the result of bizarre animosity?
pope benedict said,
""i agree with the dead.""
he was known for such grand generosity.
"
"the second pope benedict's known
to have spent just ten months on the throne,
but my in-depth research
shows that more than one church
was restored through his efforts alone.
"
"pope benedict i, i confess,
is a pontiff who does not impress.
although details are vague,
there was famine and plague
that he battled without much success.
"
"pope christopher, now it appears,
was a pope for one thousand plus years!
yet today, check the list
and his name will be missed:
he no longer appears with his peers.
"
"pope adrian?  i can't tell you much.
i'm sure he was pious and such.
half a dozen we've had;
number vi, i could add,
was the only pope ever born dutch.
"
"adrian iv showed great skill
as a pontiff but soon had his fill.
where popes are concerned,
there is one thing i've learned:
england leads the u.s. by one-nil.
"
"i've a friend who's well named: randy cox.
with the ladies, he's sly as a fox.
his approach? indirect.
what he sends to connect
with a lass is a nice box of chocs.
"
"he was mumbling aloud like some nutter.
one speech he'd repeatedly utter:
""this bimarginate, hell,
means some two-margined shell.
it does not mean, at all, 'twice the butter'!""
"
"william calley, lieutenant, was shy?
not a blood-thirsty, war-hungry guy.
those who met him, do they
still recall him today?
ask the vietnamese of my lai.
"
"whenever i serve a buffet,
there's a chafing dish out on display
to keep food nice and hot.
what an odd name it's got?
it has never rubbed me the wrong way.
"
"the second pope adrian may
have been quite an old man, bent and gray,
when he first became pope.
still, he managed to cope
in a reign five years long to the day.
"
"oh, cabana boy! freshen my drink,
and my back needs more lotion, i think.
if you'd like a nice tip,
bring some wine, chips, and dip
to my room, 207 (wink, wink!).
"
"a lawyer's assistant named trish
learned to codify means that you wish
to bring order to laws
and eliminate flaws.
it does not mean ""to turn into fish.""
"
"there's a cha-cha instructor named jenny
who's hot.  inhibitions?  not any!
""you want sex?""  i said, ""nah,""
since she says ""cha-cha-cha,""
and to me that's just one ""cha"" too many.
"
"pope adrian v (now deceased)
was a pontiff yet never a priest.
for his job, my hope grows,
then again i suppose
that one ought to be catholic at least.
"
"a good bronc buster has the resources
for riding and taming wild horses.
i would think it great fun
to take ""bronc 101""
but no colleges offer such courses.
"
"green luigi, a musical elf,
puts his autoharp back on the shelf.
""by its name, i've oft said,
many folks are misled.
you must strum it; it won't play itself!""
"
"i own brothels in rome and berlin,
plus i'm fresh off a lottery win.
all these limericks of mine
sell for twelve bucks a line,
so cha-ching! how the money rolls in!
"
"you need food but you're broke as can be?
and your uncle's unable to pee?
and your wife's run away?
well, be that as it may,
you will not get a dime out of me.
"
"on tv: ""what is this, bogot??""
and then, for no reason, there's ""bwah-
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
ha-ha-ha-ha- (canned laughter) ha-hah!""
"
"pope benedict's reign was his own
(that's the third one) since this much is known:
he had reigned for three years
and it's clear, it appears,
that there's no way in hell he's ""pope joan.""
"
"if you steal others' music, that sucks!
pat boone (clearly one of those schmucks)
in the '50s found fame
singing ""ain't that a shame,""
as he wore (and made lots of) white bucks.
"
"hawkeye pierce was irreverent, rash,
and with higher-ups willing to clash.
with the reruns still shown,
alan alda's well known.
it's quite clear that on m*a*s*h he's a smash.
"
"so i sez to him, ""bxvi,
as a pontiff, you're my kinda guy!
while it's true that john paul
was beloved by all,
they will warm to you, ben, by and by.""
"
"the 14th pope benedict read
till his eyes rolled back into his head.
so exceedingly smart,
of all popes from the start,
he's the greatest of scholars, it's said.
"
"pope benedict xii would transform
all the world to a virtuous norm
if he could. although pious,
he could not supply us
with peace from the secular storm.
"
"pope benedict somehow had wrangled
his job, but had gotten entangled
in politics badly.
it ended too sadly.
he was thrown into prison and strangled.
"
"i had asked of this drug-dealin' guy,
""for five bucks, tell me, what can i buy?""
he replied, ""listen, creep!
you're just too friggin' cheap!
it takes more than an abe to get high.""
"
"blue cross or blue shield will come through
if you've quandaries up the wazoo
of a medical sort.
still, it's sad to report
that without them you might be just blue.
"
"""beefaroni,"" my mother would say,
""as canned pasta is barely ok.
the brand name that i see
looks like grading to me,
since it's clearly not chef boy-ar-a!""
"
"acute mountain sickness, i teach,
is not just a figure of speech.
i have not, i confess,
ever had ams
since i never stray far from the beach.
"
"""just sign on that line and we'll bill you
for shipping.""  it sounds cheap until you
add fees: shipment tracking,
insurance, unpacking.
accessorial charges will kill you!
"
"said a kid growing up in north platte,
""a&amp;w? that's where it's at!
frosted mugs are a treat
filled with root beer, so sweet.
life just doesn't get better than that!""
"
"rosalinda is gorgeous in pink!
becky's body could drive me to drink.
co-ed classes are great?
did you hear about kate?
then there's shakespeare, a writer, i think.
"
"the seventh pope benedict said:
""screw your profits! now simony's dead!""
then for nine peaceful years
he hung on, it appears,
as the vatican's competent head.
"
"with the colonel, i'm just good and fed up!
his personnel file i should shred up.
take the rank of this gent,
the first eighty percent,
and you'll see where this guy's got his head up!
"
"said pope benedict: ""i'll be concise.
i intend to fight all forms of vice.
horny priests! how depraved!
how's a soul to be saved?
in the next world, these sins have their price!""
"
"when the pope just before him had died,
the eleventh pope benedict tried
to extend his ideals,
but if papal big wheels
of that time said he did so, they lied.
"
"there was help from unscrupulous men
with pope benedict (now numbered x).
strings were pulled, votes were bought,
before long, ben was caught.
in the end, rules were changed once again.
"
"though our intake of liquor is rationed,
there's a use upon which i'm impassioned.
to acquiet, i say,
babes the old-fashioned way:
when they cry, mix the brats an old fashioned.
"
"since my pair of tens wasn't enough
to beat all the others, i'd bluff.
but then anne, with a straight,
put more chips in.  oh, great!
i'm the first one tonight in the buff.
"
"an octopus kept as a pet
is a concept i just do not get.
and yet experts agree
that the bimac might be
a good choice you'll not likely regret.
"
"andr? roussimoff once was my client.
on my counsel, this man was reliant:
""you want fortune and fame?
first you drop that last name.
from now on, you are 'andre the giant.'""
"
"sheriff west spots the gang; the pursuit's on!
guns are drawn?two get shot, but one shoots on.
in the graveyard they'll lie.
folks will say, by and by,
""well, they're gone, but they died with their boots on.""
"
"the jailed gunslinger billy the kid
said he'd robbed sheriff west and then hid.
he relayed, with a sigh,
the bold sheriff's goodbye:
""catch you later,"" he'd said. (and he did!)
"
"with three slices of toast on his plate
topped with chocolate spread, junior feels great.
every new day he'll greet
with this breakfast so sweet.
(it's no wonder the kid's overweight!)
"
"there's a car expert edgar consults
who says, ""front seats are just for adults.
kids cause crashes!"" ""yet, sir,
if the accidents occur
in the back seat, the kids are results.""
"
"""pricey wedding rings?"" don declared, ""never!
there are bargains out there if you're clever.""
ten years married to dawn,
what he saved is long gone,
but his cheapness is with her forever.
"
"it wuz tony the bull we wuz buryin'
in a funeral scene never varyin'.
everybody's polite,
sez, ""he sure looks aw-right,""
yet you know every one of 'em's carryin'.
"
"it was ""metaphor week"" on the telly
with a show starring liza minnelli,
but with bellyache, she
said it might only be
nothing more than an ache in your belly.
"
"i am honor-bound, sir. i must say
that your spiral-bound book on display,
the egg-bound and me,
by the desk-bound dan tree,
was once leather-bound, back in the day.
"
"an acorn calf, puny and weak,
has a delicate bovine physique.
was mom munching, near-fatally,
on acorns prenatally?
was this why his future is bleak?
"
"i care for this invalid, julian,
who lives mostly on bread and beef bouillon.
he shouts curses at me
when i serve his beef tea:
""oh, you lowlife! you slubberdegullion!!""
"
"a terrorist asked my advice.
he needed a gift, hang the price,
for a co-worker who
was afraid, through and through.
""well, a bomb-sniffing dog might be nice.""
"
"""on my list of life's goals,"" announced fred,
""number nine is 'make love with a red.'""
sonia chekhov thought, ""swell!""
and seduced him. ""oh well,
i can check off that item,"" he said.
"
"pope benedict viii had campaigned
to have simony's profits restrained.
while the last guy said, ""no!"",
this one said, ""take it slow,""
though the difference was left unexplained.
"
"when a surgery's wholly aesthetic,
it's not needed; it's purely cosmetic.
if you spend 7k
on your nose, i would say
without question, i think that's pathetic!
"
"arachnopophagous, a mouthful linguistically,
denotes spiders who dine characteristically
on lovers, post-bedding.
if a spider you're wedding,
the odds are against you statistically.
"
"when times were disruptive and rotten,
pope adrian iii? he was brought in
to serve for a year.
what he did is not clear.
he's a pope who is largely forgotten.
"
"connecticut-born limerick writer,
he's more of a lover than fighter.
relates to agnostics,
in love with acrostics,
seeks pam but prefers someone brighter.
"
"the sluice gates they call aboiteaux
are designed to control water's flow.
they're like dikes; what they do
is let marsh water through.
(they're canadian, so what would i know?)
"
"cairn terriers never will grow
very large and, a long time ago,
it's from scotland they came.
they're both friendly and tame.
and in toto, that's all that i know.
"
"an adjective serves as a label
like ""cancerous,"" ""bright,"" or ""unstable.""
it modifies nouns
as in ""mammary"" mounds,
often ending in -est, -er, or -able.
"
"the pathos was thick, heavy-duty,
in the film weeping pit bull, a beauty!
that poor dog! i confess
i'm a blubbering mess.
you don't like it? go kiss my patootie!
"
"it's an aspect of our sexuality
that a pregnancy's no abnormality,
yet we all understand
that we're mostly unplanned,
the results of pure accidentality.
"
"your investments include prostitution.
with some luck, you avoid prosecution.
business seldom is slow,
so they owe you some dough.
that's your capital gains distribution.
"
"""sergeant, bomb up the b-52!""
i say, ""yes, sir! i'll call in my crew.""
loading bombs onto planes
doesn't take lots of brains,
although one little ""whoops!"" and you're through.
"
"""a bomb tower's built for the test
of a nuclear weapon,"" bill stressed.
""if you notice a neighbor
devoting his labor
to building one? run, i'd suggest!""
"
"""there's a bomb in the back of your bus!""
there was nothing at all to discuss.
though the caller had lied,
we were all soon outside,
since the threat was sufficient for us.
"
"an apache has joined an assault
that some rifles and six-guns won't halt.
bows and arrows aren't seen
since this fighting machine
fits today's far more high tech gestalt.
"
"cazuela, a soup that's served hot,
contains pumpkin, believe it or not.
then there's meat, beans, and rice,
and sliced carrots are nice.
big in chile, i like it a lot.
"
"there's an irish colleen of eighteen
whose abode is, alas, transmarine.
cismarine i'd prefer;
i'd be closer to her,
and without all that ocean between.
"
"with your shopping, you'd been occupado
but were seized by a sudden bravado.
you fled the mercado
in a hot eldorado.
(best contact a good abogado!)
"
"breasts are stared at, especially heather's,
at sexually free get-togethers.
chicken-breasted?a curse
that is made all the worse
because nair makes no product for feathers.
"
"tom, jeff, eric, and one other fella
are the band that they call cinderella.
with a definite flair
for night songs and big hair,
they fall under the ""glam rock"" umbrella.
"
"with 4-wd, we contrive
to abbreviate this: four-wheel drive.
such shorter renditions
bring clear definitions,
to which every writer should strive.
"
"when i coach my son's little league team,
i don't browbeat or badger or scream.
we're just there to have fun
and when practice is done,
i'm the one who will run for ice cream.
"
"that beady-eyed battle-axe alice
views models with undisguised malice.
now she's stumbled upon
naked trish and yvonne
deep in lust. ""doctor, quick! digitalis!""
"
"walter alston had meager beginnings
before he went on to big winnings
in manager's gear,
but his playing career?
one strikeout, one error, three innings.
"
"belly up, in its bowl, there's a fish,
late the pet of my granddaughter trish.
how to bring some relief
to a nine-year-old's grief?
""belly up to the bar if you wish.""
"
"in iran, since his fall, there's been shahlessness.
in japan, they enjoy bogot?-lessness.
in detroit, there's a dame
with no bra to her name.
it's by choice, though; she's opting for bralessness.
"
"mr. agnew was nobody's hero,
and his ethics were rated a zero.
as nixon's v.p.
he made history, see?
he's the only one ever named spiro.
"
"""our bird says 'hello.' he's a grackle.
sis is reading the day of the jackal.
i'll be going to camp.
dad says mom was a tramp.""
""put a sock in it, please! how you chackle!""
"
"a chabo's a minuscule chicken
so cute that your heartbeat will quicken.
on your shoulder he'll ride.
you'll display him with pride.
he is ""good"" but he's not ""finger-lickin'.""
"
"the look should be perky and flop-less,
though not trashy, pizzazz-less, or pop-less.
still, you can't be construed
as indecent or lewd:
going braless does not mean you're topless.
"
"the abandoned child syndrome's a terror
too cruel for its average bearer.
even worse, some relate
they're to blame for their fate.
(that assumption, of course, is in error.)
"
"you've a date with ms claudia schiffer,
but you say that you're going to stiff her?!
she's too homely and plain??!
are you freaking insane??
re her beauty, i must beg to differ!
"
"since we live in a violent age,
on the road i will often engage
other drivers in battle:
my lesabre i rattle!
such aggression is now all the rage.
"
"you have heard, i am willing to bet,
no balanta from your tv set.
local churchmen have stated
the bible's translated,
but reruns of seinfeld?  not yet.
"
"tuesday followed, and morris announced
that his rival, that day, would be trounced.
but then boris let go,
beat the socks off his foe,
and then both from the barroom were bounced.
"
"""your throne, sir."" (she's being sarcastic.)
aluminum tubing and plastic
make a beach chair. it's not
a queen anne, but i've got
zero sand in my butt crack? fantastic!
"
"how'd the war against simony go?
first the ""no!"" became, ""well, take it slow.""
then the world's youngest pope
shouted out, ""i'm no dope!
want the vatican? show me the dough!""
"
"that verse about em and tom ace
had nine anagrams packed in one place,
all on comate, a word
that if you'd never heard
it before, it would be no disgrace.
"
"belushi's the drug i've an eye for,
so when mom asked me what i get high for,
i replied, ""this ain't crack.
it's just coke mixed with smack,
jus' like john used, a drug high to die for.""
"
"a catcall's a rude sort of call
that, at ball games, could touch off a brawl.
but: ""here puss, puss, puss, puss,
puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,
puss, puss, puss!""?  no, not that at all.
"
"world leaders undoubtedly shake
at the thought we'll repeat our mistake
and invade them to seize
phantom wmds.
(that's the chance that they'll just have to take.)
"
"once again, it's a bingo night brawl
at our sisters of charity hall.
my great-great-aunt fanny
has a headlock on granny,
but the outcome's just too close to call.
"
"""horseface"" harriet's wedding's today.
she's damn lucky, that's all i can say,
or an awfully good cook,
or whatever?oh, look!
now she's tossing the bridle bouquet.
"
"what does chock full o' nuts mean to me?
a hot beverage that's clearly not tea.
it's a store that debuted
to sell early fast food.
it's the state of my family tree.
"
"we, the people, back anticolonialism
and we also oppose patrimonialism.
when our ""owners"" dare say,
""life is better our way,""
our response? ""that's just phoney balonialism!""
"
"europeans are doing real well with it,
and attracting robust personnel with it.
beach football it's called;
in the states, though, it's stalled.
it's just soccer, so we say the hell with it.
"
"i exist on a mountaintop airy,
since, to me, swirling water is scary.
antlophobic, my fear
is that floods will come near.
is my angst realistic? not very.
"
"cave onyx (an old term for flowstone)
can fool those who don't really know stone.
one has to deduce
that for wedding ring use,
it is not the world's most apropos stone.
"
"chubby bunny's a pastime bizarre
where a marshmallow stuffer can star.
your pie hole you stuff
until diction is tough.
(this has knocked off two players so far.)
"
"world war one struck a violent chord.
with a prayer for peace soon restored,
they elected a pope.
what he offered was hope.
what he was was completely ignored.
"
"said a bullionist, recently polled,
""give me coins, not that stuff that'll fold!
paper money is trash
except that, in a flash,
you can cash on demand into gold.""
"
"nancy kerrigan: princess of cool.
tonya harding: ms nobody's fool.
when the judging was done,
who had actually won
the gold medal?  oksana baiul.
"
"great-grandfather buck's eccentricity
reflects a bizarre specificity:
when he burps, he is proud
to go ""aarp!"" nice and loud,
thus providing that group free publicity.
"
"lsd mixed with strychnine?  what for?
just plain acid alone is a bore??
they call it back breakers,
real big with risk takers
who'd label their drug use ""hardcore.""
"
"billy ""belswagger"" bix was quite rude
to be standing in line in the nude.
as his nickname implies,
he's a guy folks despise
as a bully who's frequently lewd.
"
"""after treatment, i felt nicely woozy,""
said a breast cancer patient named susie.
though it sounds like a joke,
her left breast got a soak
from this thing called a ""booby jacuzzi.""
"
"there is not much to say on behalf
of a calf's brain, the brain of a calf.
there's a sign in st. louis
that means a lot to us:
""brain sandwiches""?lord, what a laugh!
"
"our ""junk band"" would play ""hey, big spender"":
dan blew bottles, bill drummed on a fender,
while i sounded sharp
playing shopping-cart harp,
all in grand callithumpian splendor.
"
"when the cold-blooded killer was sprung
and then asked, ""where's ezekiel young?
i have come into town
for to bed the man down,""
you knew lullabies need not be sung.
"
"married mister and unmarried miss,
rented room, hurried sex, guilty kiss.
you're my sister. please, claire,
it's so cheap, this affair.
you deserve so much better than this!
"
"liza's problems today are colossal.
for one thing, she's somewhat a fossil.
then there's troubles with booze.
either way she will lose:
if her age doesn't get her, the sauce'll.
"
"nervous brides walk this lane in grand style.
(it must seem like they're walking a mile!)
to the altar it leads,
where communion proceeds.
how useful the simple church aisle.
"
"the word chear (obsolete) now is cheer,
though that style looks decidedly quear.
yet were shakespeare still hear
hard at work mid-carear,
i'd say, ""bill, let me buy you a bear!""
"
"my girlfriend is somewhat a sleaze.
""call me 'bambi'!"" (her name is louise.)
""why that nickname?"" ""i'm deer!""
""get the hell out of here!
you're so deer that you spread lyme disease.""
"
"the doctor jots down ""bno""
since for days now, i just cannot go.
then ""no chocolates, no beans""
since this acronym means
""bowels not open.""  (i thought you should know.)
"
"""for our lovemaking plans to succeed,
interference from punks we don't need.
such an ill-mannered youth
is your son?so uncouth!
he's a blot on the landscape, indeed.""
"
"i find beavis and butt-head retarded.
and offensive? lord, don't get me started!
as cartoons, they are brash
and just part of the trash
with which children are daily bombarded.
"
"using air quotes implies disbelief,
so watch out how you use those things, chief.
say your wife's ""a great beauty""?
she'll make it her duty
to bring to your life untold grief.
"
"alexander ii would wail,
""i have never observed it to fail!
just because our damn name
and our number's the same,
we forever get each other's mail!""
"
"from the place the bride waited, clem sensed
'twas the groom she had feelings against.
why else would a bride
in an anti-room hide
in the time 'fore the wedding commenced?
"
"aesthesia, i'm led to believe,
is a clear back-formation that we've
gotten from anaesthesia.
(i knew that would please ya!)
it's the power to feel or perceive.
"
"you bought nails in a ""blister pack""?  never!
the m-w says so?  whatever!
that's a ""bubble pack,"" bob,
for your hammering job.
with the other term, logic you sever.
"
"then there's choanoid: shaped like a funnel?
wide then small, like a very short tunnel.
would a knife clinch your view
that this meaning is true?
you think not? well then, maybe this gun'll.
"
"young len bias, a basketball star,
signed with boston. they said he'd go far.
two days later, he's dead?
too much coke in his head.
untold billions unearned. how bizarre!
"
"we've mss, mas, ph.d.s,
bcls, msas, mpts,
bais, mbas,
mres, bhks,
and lots more academic degrees.
"
"in west africa, ken's a perplexed guy.
not bilingual, he's often a vexed guy.
when he asked, ""have you read
local papers?"" i said,
""akan read 'em as well as the next guy.""
"
"the patient in bed twenty-three,
as apallic a guy as can be,
is a squash, a potato,
a beet, a tomato,
a pepper, a pumpkin, a pea.
"
"rosie's thoughts were, at times, theological.
they weren't all the time gynecological.
she once asked, ""father, has
my life purpose?""  (this as
they enjoyed an event biological).
"
"the beadle ranked lower than all
of the folks at my church i recall
as a kid. he would usher
and act as prime shusher.
he was not ringo, george, john, or paul.
"
"bragged a british friend, bursting with glee,
""i've been named by the queen a cb!""
when he said what that stood for,
i had to think, ""good for
the queen!  (but i'm glad it's not me.)""
"
"sid is cebocephalic, a little man
who does not want to play second fiddle man.
""first, an organ i'll find,
then my own tunes i'll grind,
thereby cutting out neatly the middleman.""
"
"a spaniard, whose name is ramona,
cheers the cards from her home, barcelona.
as a cardinal fan, she
hopes to travel to be
there to see them in south arizona.
"
"bigmouth morris last monday declared:
""there's no fight, since my rival is scared!""
but the rival, named boris,
beat the hell out of morris
right after that viewpoint was aired.
"
"""i'm a cave salamander,"" says mel.
""by a stream cloaked in darkness i dwell.
small crustaceans i eat.
though i'm blind, they're a treat
that i search for and catch by their smell.""
"
"she's so old that she used to enchant grant
with high-steppin', but hear my great-aunt rant:
""ol' ulysses, impressed,
loved my can-can the best.
of course nowadays, sadly, i can't-can't.""
"
"""living daylights"": a phrase that's mysterious.
is its meaning amusing or serious?
came the weekend, no doubt,
boris beat them straight out
of his foe. the result? deleterious!
"
"taunting boris at wednesday night's scrape:
""you smoke four packs a day, you big ape.""
and yet, huffing and puffing,
he still beat the stuffing
out of morris. this guy's in great shape!
"
"he's a comic today no one mentions.
and yet godfrey, back then, broke conventions.
he would bravely address
why our country's a mess.
and the source of his laughs?  racial tensions.
"
"ampelography helps one refine
the efficient production of wine.
it is clear you must traipse
through huge vineyards of grapes.
know the fruit, yes, but first know the vine.
"
"grover cleveland, our nation's commander,
once married would never philander.
but a fastball? no way.
he did not even play.
that's that other g.c., alexander.
"
"apodysophilia, guys,
means come peek at my milky white thighs.
see my breasts and my butt.
i will show you what's what
in a flash?what a pleasant surprise!
"
"a batt is your needle, your spike,
for injecting the drugs that you like.
by why batt with two t's?
what's with questions like these?!
if you want, ask the drug dealer, mikke.
"
"""i'm a buffalo soldier,"" said clyde.
""that's a term long ago first applied
since the indians thought
that our hair, i've been taught,
closely felt like a buffalo's hide.""
"
"my grandfather said to me, ""sonny,
a cedrine aroma, it's funny,
will bring to your mind
hamster bedding, the kind
that is used when the owners have money.""
"
"i was telling my friend robert downey,
""a blondie's a no-chocolate brownie.""
his kids were ungrateful
when served a large plateful.
their faces turned all sorts of frowny.
"
"the prefix c o- means ""as one""
or ""together"" or ""help with work done""
like co-pilots.  you're sunk
should they both show up drunk.
your adventure has only begun.
"
"hey,nohitta,nohitta,swing-battah!!
nuthin'wrongwi'thatpitch! whatzamattah?!
becuzwewannapitchah,
an'nobelly-itcha!
deseguyzizzallchumps!! (baseball chatter)
"
"if the mafia thinks you're a rat:
cement shoes; glub, glub, glub; and that's that.
if they're really upset
then you might also get
cement underwear, pants, and a hat.
"
"for the shows in the old colosseum,
they used lions; the christians would flee 'em.
ref the martyrs, i vow,
like the famed ""purple cow,""
i would much rather see 'em than be 'em.
"
"since mcdonald's hot coffee could maim
when it fell in the lap of some dame,
the insurers, dismayed,
quite reluctantly paid
what they're calling ""that damn bearded claim.""
"
"i had only just turned seventeen
when my drama coach told me, ""nadine,
you're too much!""  so i guess
i am bound for success.
he has said i'm a real drama queen.
"
"you like burgers? siddown, have yer fill.
you don' hafta come in dressed to kill.
watch the game, have a beer?
""lobster thermidor""? here??
what the hell! not at this bar and grill.
"
"let me first give you one of my hints:
they're not panties in camouflage prints.
camiknickers: a term,
all my sources confirm,
that was hot in my youth but not since.
"
"""sometimes english, to me, is bizarre,""
said rudolfo, a famed limbo star.
""when i limbo, it's clear
that the goals i set here
aren't made harder by raising the bar.""
"
"a complaint was received at the lamasery
by harry, the head of the commissary:
""if the food gets much worse,""
went this buddhist monk's curse,
""it'll soon do us in and embalm us, 'arry!""
"
"tea is shipped within chests made of wood,
but these chests can do harm, understood?
all agree that the best tea
will never smell chesty.
if it's wood that you taste, that's no good.
"
"that lantern i mentioned before?
the lens itself?  bull's-eye!  and more.
it's a watch, small and thick
and old-fashioned. tick, tick,
tick, tick, clunk!  (it's got problems galore.)
"
"when the academy hands out awards
to its hollywood ladies and lords,
it's totally wacky:
""who's stylish? who's tacky?""
is all each reporter records.
"
"south american nightclubs are where
you might meet a large rodent with flair.
he appears, in a cage,
doing charo on stage.
(""cuchi-cuchi"" acouchies are rare!)
"
"her buzzword proclaims her a star:
""cuchi-cuchi!"" ...bizarrest by far!
but for all charo's giggling,
her flirting and jiggling,
that woman plays first-rate guitar.
"
"over four hundred years in the past,
when you'd wake and, each morn, break your fast,
it was cheat-bread you'd munch
in those hours pre-lunch,
not the ""good stuff"" of much higher caste.
"
"""do you think that i'm pretty?"" she'd whine.
""you're a bubaline beauty divine!""
though she likes what she's heard,
if she looks up that word
i've no doubt that she'll fracture my spine.
"
"""what's a beam?"" she replied without rancor:
""it's the straight part, or shank, of an anchor.""
fighting tears, ""i must fly,""
then she left. sadly, i,
feeling guilty, neglected to thank her.
"
"a ""bacardi and broccoli"" ranks
with ""bacardi and beans"" served with franks.
i'm more cautious than some;
give me coke with my rum,
but ""bacardi and prune juice""? no, thanks.
"
"neither parent of mine was a fish,
but to breathe underwater's my wish.
with my aqua-lung on,
and the costume i don,
i'm a mermaid at aqualand?swish!
"
"we yanks love to go fight ""over there,""
but at home, sounds of war we won't bear.
we'll accept white house bombast,
but rarely a bomb blast.
let's face it?this hardly seems fair.
"
"i'm a cinemagoer no more.
first, to get to the theater's a chore,
plus the people are rude,
i can't watch in the nude,
and most movies today are a snore.
"
"bianca: uranian moon
that with meteor craters is strewn.
it's also the name
of a rolling stone flame.
i'm not likely to see either soon.
"
"racial rhetoric claiming you're master
is surely inviting disaster!
if you're calling a spade
just a spade, your tirade
should be focused, one hopes, on canaster.
"
"in my collyer (my home), i have stored
seven miles of old telephone cord,
ninety-eight toy marines,
twelve old sewing machines,
and, in tribute, a model t ford.
"
"they're called bim skala bim. at their heart
(both their name and their tunes), is an art
known as ska to their fans.
they have no touring plans:
geographically, now they're apart.
"
"this blockbusting yields opportunity
to profit from neighbors' disunity.
send a black family in,
let the panic begin,
and then buy up each lot with impunity.
"
"in our youth, we were cherry bomb flingers.
how the memory of gunpowder lingers!
now they're gone. we've been cursed
by two words: ""safety first!""
we've grown far too attached to our fingers!
"
"richard adams won major renown
for a novel called watership down.
it told of the habits
of underground rabbits
both workin' and foolin' aroun'.
"
"to exploit pharmaceutic advances,
who's taking cabergoline? lance is!
it's for stopping the flow
of one's breast milk. i know,
yes, he's male, but not one to take chances.
"
"""dad, today i begin my career
in a field that i know you hold dear.
it's garbage removal!""
he beamed his approval
while proudly suppressing a tear.
"
"they have called us together tonight.
it's a secret; security's tight.
when they schedule a meeting
like this, hope is fleeting
for peace.  it's a war we'll incite.
"
"""i call shotgun!""  pierre wants a ride
in the front on the passenger side.
on a date (on a dare),
""i call breasts!"" says pierre,
but of course this request is denied.
"
"david, schildkret, oedilfer, accused,
""chris, although, you're, in, charge, you're, confused.
the, rules, are, quite, clear:
commas, should, not, appear,
overused, or, misused, or, abused.""
"
"now jill's married (frank thinks this is rotten!),
see-through nighties are largely forgotten.
and what's taken the place
of thin, delicate lace?
it's all thick adiaphanous cotton.
"
"some say clogging's a dance that's too loud.
(they're not part of the wooden shoe crowd.)
bragged a clogger named jeff,
who's now totally deaf,
""of my dance steps, i'm strikingly proud!""
"
"she had a recorder about
her person, concealed, and no doubt
what i happened to say
was what put me away.
i'll be sixty before i get out.
"
"well, the triplets had unicorn stew
and three orders of truffle fondue.
ellen, ginger, and jake
had the lobster and steak,
so all told that's a grand, thirty-two.
"
"""it's a soup made in scotland,"" said kiki,
""made of chicken and leeks. is it cheeky
for its name (a cheap laugh)
to be sent to the staff
of the washington post: cock-a-leekie?
"
"when you cauponize, always give thanks
to consumers who buy beans and franks
(or perhaps wine and cheese);
making money's a breeze!
and it's safer than holding up banks.
"
"the book-of-the-month club's succeeding
in ways that you might think misleading.
books on tape are the way
to make profits today
in a world in which nobody's reading!
"
"it's a concept i just cannot shake off?
an idea that truly could take off.
see what woman looks best
at an oven undressed:
chris j. strolin's new all-nudie bake-off!
"
"the chant from psychology schools?
""abnormal psychology rules!""
predict the expansion
of folks like charles manson
and every psychologist drools!
"
"when four horsemen come out of the night,
the one that's named conquest will fight
with an arrow, it's said,
that is lacking a head,
and the horse that he rides will be white.
"
"""you heard 'bears on the battlefield,' chet?""
and my buddy said, ""yeah, but not yet.
i have heard it's been planned
that a robot, unmanned,
will give rides like you'll never forget!""
"
"of the buck knives we now have in stock,
most all folding; when opened, they lock.
our competitors say
theirs are better. no way!
any claims of this sort are a crock.
"
"we began with a cenatory prayer:
""thank you, god, for the food that we'll share
at this dinner tonight,
and ensure that we might
of your bounty be always aware.""
"
"like smoke rings but under the sea,
that's what bubble rings seem like to me.
all these ""ring vortex"" things
must be shaped just like rings?
not like squares or like cubes; this is key.
"
"a stripper, who danced with a bubble,
with the management now is in trouble.
her bubble dance flaws
(and the cause for applause):
sloppy shaving and very sharp stubble.
"
"it's called chocolate-chip camouflage, mac.
put 'em on for a desert attack.
that's a slang term we use
for these dbdus:
light tan, brown, dark brown, tan, white and black.
"
"the oedilf is a noble endeavor,
and our limericks are witty and clever.
if you're seeking an end,
venture elsewhere, my friend,
since this project may go on forever.
"
"family members are named quite selectively
in caribbean english effectively.
it isn't hodgepodgey:
there's aja and aji
for dad's father and mother respectively.
"
"unless vomiting comes into play,
doc, i don't understand what you say.
this prescription tells me:
""take these pills b.i.d.,""
which means one pill two times every day.
"
"""first designed by a weaver named victor,
it's much like the double constrictor.
it's the boa knot, men.""
she has screwed up again.
i'm afraid that i must contradict her.
"
"the cylindrical part of a loom
on which weavers wind warp, i presume,
is a similar sort
to the beam of support
that allows them the weave to resume.
"
"as a gunslinger, all have agreed,
he's incredibly deadly, indeed.
if you face him, you think
you must first have a drink?
bottled courage is not what you need!
"
"""kimmie's klips"" is a place you should shun.
you'll be bankrupt before you are done
when you shell out to kim
fifty bucks for a trim.
it's a clip joint in more ways than one.
"
"at the rates barbers charge, i have soured.
fifty bucks? no damn way! i'm empowered
to take on their roll
with my scissors and bowl.
so who cares if i look like moe howard!?
"
"with one name, afl-cio,
you've got unions, some 50 or so.
are the teamsters still part
of their membership chart?
check the roster?the answer is no.
"
"lexicographers here had concurred:
""the entry we need for this word
isn't birding. instead,""
a wise editor said,
""the infinitive's simply to bird.""
"
"his bride was my fantasy lover.
there clearly was no one above her.
herb alpert's whipped cream
was a musical dream,
but, my god, would you look at the cover!
"
"""the very best kale i have had
is black tuscan (or black kale),"" said chad.
""palm tree kale can be seen
to be really dark green.
if it's black, then it's prob'ly gone bad.""
"
"an unfortunate co-channel error
means your frequency now has a sharer.
that's why kiddie tv
includes scenes all can see
from the more adult barer and barer.
"
"bonaduce, the ""bad boy"" named danny,
is so often in fights it's uncanny.
through a drug program strict,
all addictions he's kicked,
not to mention a cross-dresser's fanny.
"
"rick's a hick (not too quick with a chick)
who, says mick, is as thick as a brick.
still, his penmanship's slick
since, when given his pick,
here's the trick: rick says, ""stick with a bic!""
"
"i am blacksmithing, yes, you heard right.
would you like a clean gal for the night?
you want shoes for your horse?
but you're joking, of course!
(seems your grasp of our lingo is slight.)
"
"they had tried to, en masse, disappear
from their shackles, a hardship severe.
but then all for the lack
of a hacksaw they're back
singing, ""hail! hail! the chain gang's all here!""
"
"what's the beam of a ship? it's how wide
such a vessel is spread side to side.
if your boat has a beam
that is big, it would seem
with great cargo space you've been supplied.
"
"a coach is a long-distance bus.
(you recall ""leave the driving to us""?)
you can get yourself, cheap,
coast to coast fast asleep.
over cars, that's a definite plus.
"
"the anthropocene era is here
(named for mankind's effect on our sphere),
so we're free to move on
with the dinosaur gone;
we've got only ourselves left to fear.
"
"i have made a clean break with my past.
i'm respectable now, at long last.
as a nun, i don't mention
i once gained attention
as ""trix"" (with her triple-x cast).
"
"does a bubble eye goldfish despise
those two liquid-filled sacks 'neath its eyes?
in a tank they can snare
on the stuff you put there.
rounded edges are what i'd advise.
"
"he'll fight at the drop of a hat
and anathematize people flat.
he's all bluster and bile:
""you are evil and vile!""
and, ""god's gonna get you for that!""
"
"alexander i? we've had lots:
tsar of russia, and king of the scots.
is that all, though? by no means!?
king of serbs, croats, slovenes?
and just probe early papacy slots.
"
"though the hairstyle looks great on her, shirley
is pissed and decidedly surly:
""it's a bubble cut, folks,
so please spare me your jokes
that are based on the phrase short and curly!""
"
"there's a florist who sternly condemns
the display of his wares without stems
in a bubble bowl. note:
if a blossom you float,
he will loudly suggest m&ms.
"
"""your breath smells like poop and salami.""
""your breath smells like poop and salami.""
""don't repeat what i say!""
""don't repeat what i say!""
""you're a copycat! i'm tellin' mommy!""
"
"choosing food is a risky endeavor.
should i chance eating poison? no, never!
there's that avian flu
and mad cow disease, too.
still, one can't live on salads forever.
"
"i'm all for bimastism, sweets,
in honeymoon suites or back seats.
not a civic debate,
it is only the state
of possessing two mammae or teats.
"
"they've put barriers out on the track?
a chicane sure will thin out the pack.
if this sharp double bend
sends me end over end,
i will leave and i'll never come back!
"
"to grow celery (delicious with cheddar),
just follow this tip to the letter:
make your name?leave your mark;
grow that stuff in the dark,
and the flavor, somehow, will be better!
"
"all day long, i was knockin' the stuffin'
outa arsenopyrite and puffin'
in poisonous gas.
now i'm dead on my ass!
well, they don't call it arse-nic for nuthin'!
"
"""it's the six o'clock news?live from sodom!
you want naked co-anchors?  we've got 'em!""
(if two hotties are viewed
reading news in the nude,
our show's ratings may rise from the bottom.)
"
"i buried my father last may,
and my mother is now doa
at the hospital door.
...i am grown, 54,
yet i'm nobody's baby today.
"
"jim bakker's finances were shady.
he prayed then he played then he paid.  he
caused critics to dub
the famed ptl club
just a slush fund that meant ""pay the lady.""
"
"we went on a bomb run in vain.
our commander was clearly insane.
he thought it was cunning?
with bombs, we were running!
the next time we're taking a plane.
"
"co-occurrence: two things at one time.
for example, when sex is sublime
but her husband arrives
(he collects hunting knives)
and then out through a window i climb.
"
"there's a word seldom heard: baptization,
a somewhat contrived formulation.
that's too stilted for you?
then might baptizement do?
both mean ""baptism,"" holy hydration.
"
"jean says chaptalization is just
the addition of sugar to must.
its use is berated
and hotly debated
wherever fine wines are discussed.
"
"yes, bird's beaks are excellent paring knives.
they're my job so i'm always declaring knives
are a must.  that's well known.
buy a set of your own
so you won't always have to be sharing knives.
"
"after giving her daughter a hug,
she inquired, discreetly, ""how's doug?""
""there's no way i will marry him!
he's got a cibarium.
his mother's some kind of a bug!""
"
"many chocolateros abound
in the gulf blowing cold air around
from the north every year.
let's make one thing quite clear:
they are not stores where chocolates are found.
"
"when they called in the loan on our house,
i received some advice from my spouse.
donald said when i try
for extensions, that i
should go braless and wear a tight blouse.
"
"there's a cat burglar buddy of mine
with a hideout, i'm told, cispontine.
that just means i won't drive
'cross a bridge to arrive
should he ever invite me to dine.
"
"yer whole life needs a fresh coat o' paint?
an' yer wife ain't exactly a saint?
you got pains? you got woes?
you got three missin' toes?
above snakes? hell, you got no complaint!
"
"said a family court judge, ""i am finding
people 'just shacking up' need reminding:
it's ok to refuse
the white gown and i dos,
but a common-law marriage is binding!""
"
"in explaining the concept of mass,
i used terms that were known to the class:
""take a baggie. what may
it be filled with today?
eighty grapes or four fingers of grass.""
"
"the purpose of all-bran is plain:
if you've got ""#2"" on the brain,
take some bran, half a cup,
and you'll fill the bowl up.
try their chocolate flakes (only in spain).
"
"my new store is, no doubt, a cash cow.
just last week i made twenty-five thou.
every priest? every nun?
i sell clothes to each one,
and i call my place clothier than thou.
"
"though divorcing, you should be polite to
corespondents.  they're sad and contrite too.
still, no ifs, ands, or buts,
they're all home-wrecking sluts,
not just women that hubby would write to.
"
"in front of this vast congregation,
i confess that i practice cenation
three times daily. it's true,
and i hope you do too!
when we don't, we're inviting starvation.
"
"christmas shopping with hidden machete?
the voices inform me i'm sweaty.
pushing, shoving, and worse:
it's a holiday curse.
knock it off or you're christmas confetti!
"
"the abature's only the traces
a stag leaves behind as he races
through woods unconfined,
leaving hunters behind,
as he leads them on long fruitless chases.
"
"buckle bunny: a rodeo groupie
who's willin' to give you some whoopee
of a sexual sort
for the buckle you sport.
she's the schtuper and you are the schtupee.
"
"some say astronavigation is fun.
first you start with a ""sight"" from the sun.
next you do it again
with the moon, maybe.  then
plot the pair, find a match, and you're done.
"
"i was up late at night, reminiscing
of days, as a child, i'd be dissing
this playmate i had
with apancrea bad:
""your dumb pancreas, loser, is missing!""
"
"in the outback, a b and s ball
is a dance that is fancied by all.
while the get-ups are formal,
when done it's quite normal
into pup tents and autos to crawl.
"
"""is it hot enough for you?"" conveyed
how the dog days of summer degrade:
""hot as hell,"" ""dry as dust,"" ""a
damn oven""; it musta
been a hundred degrees in clich?d.
"
"a-2 jackets gave pilots great status.
pass flight school? they'd give you one gratis.
woe to him who mislaid it;
its rarity made it
a flyer's most prized apparatus.
"
"a demure lexicographer, kyle,
tells me ""and can mean in,"" with a smile.
she can see i'm confused
as to how words are used.
""they're the same every once and a while.""
"
"i am clearly astonished and awed
at the home of a blind date named maude:
mirrored ceilings, round bed,
and a list, at its head,
of her fees. i'm abawed she's a bawd.
"
"we went caving in eastern kentucky.
local papers described us as ""plucky.""
eight or nine set about
going in.  three came out.
all the rest, it is clear, were unlucky.
"
"the adventures of ozzie and harriet
portrayed a bourgeois proletariat
with a pop singer son.
it was no #1,
but no show in its time slot could bury it.
"
"for joy adamson, freedom was key:
every beast in the wild was born free.
with her murder, at first,
people reckoned the worst,
since a true friend of wildlife was she.
"
"that last limerick of yours was a scream!
i consider your talent supreme.
you're the cream of the crop;
all your verses have pop;
you're on top, in the groove, on the beam!
"
"the hustler, while chalking his cue,
made a claim that i knew was untrue:
""i'm the champion!"" he lied.
""#1?""  i replied.
""well, you look like, instead, #2!""
"
"apancreatic: a big empty space
now exists in my gut in the place
where my pancreas ain't.
give me air?i may faint!
(i have locked up my lungs just in case.)
"
"an old joke has a guy and gal petting,
with her large rumpled bed as the setting.
she is horny as hell
and a deaf mute as well,
so the best of both worlds he is getting.
"
"apallesthesia is sadly befalling them.
cell phone users, i mean. it's appalling them,
because here is the thing:
if they don't hear a ring,
there's no way they can tell someone's calling them.
"
"the aortic arch syndrome in man
is quite rare.  if you're female it can
lead to arteries narrowing,
a process quite harrowing.
it's mostly confined to japan.
"
"""hey, loser! that haircut's a joke!""
this had come from a tall glass of coke.
caustic soda was not
to be trusted a lot:
it was always a lye when it spoke.
"
"""you'll look younger as long as you can
with my famous elixir of xan!""
(i suspect any day
folks will drive me away
shouting, ""charlatan! fraud! cabotin!"")
"
"the prime mission of mike the magician?
the addition, to each exhibition,
of new people to wow
with his magic. but how?
by a mailing that's tagged acquisition.
"
"my grandfather thinks he's a hyundai.
i went to his hospital one day.
they use sports for correction.
""the caesarian section
will play the king richards on sunday!""
"
"communications by at&amp;t
are as fast and as clear as can be.
the company provides
cheerful service besides,
but privacy? maybe. we'll see.
"
"male plumber, d.c., 54,
seeks to flush out a gal to adore.
take the plunge! in a wink
we'll be in (kitchen) sync.
into clog dancing, water sports, more.
"
"each seduction i plan optimistically:
""that gal will be mine, cabalistically!""
does a potion or spell
do the trick? not that well.
i am oh-for-three-hundred statistically.
"
"""amyl nitrate is legal? that's hot!
what the heck (snort!), let's give it a shot.""
but a rush? hell, no way!
just a seven-day stay
in the hospital's all that i got.
"
"""i'll be naked"" (a message from her)
""at the restaurant beneath my fox fur.""
but en route she is cowed
by an anti-fur crowd.
don't you hate when these things co-occur?
"
"to buck, i have just been advised,
has a meaning that's left me surprised.
it refers to the way
one saws large logs today
till they're smaller, more fireplace-sized.
"
"with my rhymes, you say i'm so adept
that when reading my ""chewer,"" you wept?
you invite me to be
poet laureate? me?
well, i'm happy to say i accept.
"
"here at work, there's a co-op that buys,
in great bulk, all our office supplies.
ballpoint pens by the ton
when you only need one
may be cheap but, gee whiz, is it wise?
"
"if we don't know the name wally amos,
i'm certain that no one could blame us.
he's a pretty smart cookie.
for an eye-catching hook he
adopted the first name of ""famous.""
"
"abackward: archaic, i'm told,
meaning ""backward."" agood, i'm asold.
i awonder. let's see
how along it might be
till this feeble agag gets aold.
"
"the recall vote?  tough!  he's defying it.
he's a fighter; there's just no denying it.
there are calls for his head;
people want this guy dead.
but resign?  nosiree, he ain't buying it!
"
"please don't stand so you're blocking the breeze.
god, it must be a hundred degrees!
with your adiapneustia,
it's hard to get used to ya.
i swear that you're sweating cream cheese!
"
"clearly abigail adams, esteemed,
with two presidents closely was teamed:
to one, she was mother;
she married the other?
an unmatchable feat! (...so it seemed)
"
"h&amp; in h&amp; on the c&amp;yl&amp; b&amp;st&amp;,
d&amp;y br&amp;on &amp; m&amp;y r&amp; gr&amp;st&amp;.
w&amp;a's husb&amp;, a b&amp;it,
is c&amp;id: ""unh&amp; it!
ab&amp;on your sc&amp;alous h&amp;st&amp;!""
"
"the ""!"" (called a bang) should belong
in a line where emotion is strong.
if you think that your writing
is made more exciting
with ""!!!!!"", you're wrong.
"
"i was drawing my very last breath
when i asked my assassin, ""please, beth,
what's this thing in my head?""
she smiled softly and said,
""it's a chakram?aerobie of death.""
"
"he wuz glowin', a little, this stranger,
but all peaceful and not like no danger.
""close the door, fella, darn!
wuz you born in a barn?!""
he said, ""yes, and then laid in a manger.""
"
"in the kidnapping, first thing?i pinned 'er,
so's her efforts to struggle i'd hinder,
then i sez, ""mary lou,
i mus' abligate you
so's you do not escape out dat winder.""
"
"""unitarian?"" ""no."" ""libertarian?""
""not really."" ""i know, seminarian?""
""there's no creed i profess.""
""ha, i've got it then! yes!""
(with a sneer) ""you're an anythingarian!""
"
"i deal drugs from a ship called the ghost.
not to boast, but i'm slicker than most.
now the coast guard's accoasting;
their narcs i'll be hosting.
that's the cost when you work on the coast.
"
"a chiffchaff's a small warbling bird
that was named from what somebody heard
coming out of its throat.
could that be a misquote?
still, a bird called a ""tweet-tweet""? absurd!
"
"i'm an artist who earns great applause
for my floral arrangements because
to keep flowers in place
i won't use a plain vase
when instead i can work with a vase.
"
"this verse is about the word chink,
but it's not about what you might think.
if a chink in one's armor
suggests verbal harm or
a knight who's chinese, then you stink!
"
"cenogamy: that's when society
encourages sexual variety.
still, i just have to say
seven lovers each day
could result in performance anxiety.
"
"""in accepting the blame,"" remarked gwen,
""for this crime with those twenty-six men,
i don't see it as awful,
or rightly unlawful.
in fact, i would try it again.""
"
"south dakota's a state where coyote
catch many a hare by the throat-ee.
mount rushmore's a sight,
the black hills a delight,
and its plains are worth many a photie.
"
"""with a bomb on your plane, was it scary?""
""not at all, till it blew, and then very.
the pilot's advice
was direct and concise:
'clench your buttocks. it's gonna get hairy!'""
"
"""hey, check out her bacon and eggs!""
this, in london, means ""look at her legs.""
it's a slang term, like pins,
meaning ""thighs, knees, and shins,""
just like gams, stocking-stuffers, and pegs.
"
"i'm the wittiest guy in the hood.
snappy comebacks? i'm tops, understood?
still, my best repartee
keeps occurring to me
the next day, when it does me no good.
"
"this listing comes first, right up there
before ""aaronson's aardvark repair,""
in my phone book's white pages:
those trip-planning sages,
the triple a ? ""go anywhere!""
"
"hasbro's candyland cannot be beat
if your height is still less than four feet.
it's a kids' game, it's true,
but whatever you do,
keep your eye on those rug rats?they cheat!
"
"unhand that arachnid, you varlet!
she's not just your typical harlot.
orange and black, she's the star
of three movies so far.
yes, that barn spider's charlotte the starlet.
"
"fanny brice wore the clothes of a child
and proceeded to drive ""daddy"" wild.
baby snooks, on the air,
was a character rare:
we were cheered, entertained, and beguiled.
"
"the event charged three hundred a head,
and the singer knocked everyone dead.
people flocked to the cause
as each speech drew applause.
""a real barnburner!"" everyone said.
"
"today the verb barnstorm denotes
how a candidate hustles for votes.
in a multi-state tour,
every town is a blur
of kissed babies, long speeches, sore throats.
"
"while a priest, known as bricklayer rod,
was repairing a wall, thus spoke god:
""at the top, i would hope,
you will furnish a cope.""
but the final result just looked odd.
"
"to adultery, don is confessing.
barb ponders, ""could this be a blessing
in disguise? i cheat, too!""
donald hasn't a clue:
""could it be that's a  smile  she's suppressing?""
"
"in a voice dripping sex, low and throaty:
""pretend you're a lustful coyote...""
""i refuse! to my ear
the word's coyote, my dear.""
(plus she looked just like truman capote.)
"
"gorgeous kate, a true helen of troy wolf,
was betrothed of one rufus, a boy wolf,
but he diddled with dodie,
a willing coyote.
the result? rufus junior, a coywolf.
"
"""botheration!"" the high price of gas
troubles gram, yet that lady has class.
botherations like these
earn that label since she's
too polite to say ""pains in the ass.""
"
"if you hanker for burgers just so,
there's a black, hornless cow you should know.
it's the aberdeen angus,
a breed that they brang us
from scotland a long time ago.
"
"""big tony's impatient,"" says he,
but i'm clueless as clueless can be.
where's the mafia's dough?
i give up! i don't know!
so my answer's prophetic: ""beats me!""
"
"my luck at the track is the worst.
every horse that i bet on is cursed.
i backed nine out of ten
in the derby, and then
some old three-legged nag came in first!
"
"he'd been mugged but was conscious, we'd heard,
and was conscious of what had occurred.
self-conscious, aware
of the blood in his hair,
conscious pleas he made not to be stirred.
"
"though this guy you will fight's tough as nails,
what's ""upstairs"" is what always prevails.
plant a seed every day:
""feeling sick? you ok?""
chip away till his confidence fails.
"
"what you've done to my arm isn't funny!
your colors are dull and they're runny.
this unfortunate hag
looks like hitler in drag.
can't believe that for this i paid money!
"
"let's say portugal wants to fight france?
give the map just a casual glance:
they've got spain sitting there,
a cordon sanitaire,
to forestall any sudden advance.
"
"fatty arbuckle, big in his day
(in more ways than one, you could say),
found he just couldn't handle
the hollywood scandal
when virginia rappe passed away.
"
"just before the war started, i pleaded:
""a cooling-off period's needed.
let's let tempers subside.
peace cannot be denied!""
(i was shot and my pleas went unheeded.)
"
"you're dressed up and you're facing a crisis,
one that might take your life. my advice is:
they do not have you yet;
be aware of the threat
that the well-meaning throwing of rice is.
"
"it's been raining, so farmer cueto's
out tending his cabbage palmettos.
""why those clodhoppers, mack?""
and he answered right back,
""you try farming in four-inch stilettos!""
"
"ol' man horne lost his crop (that's a sad thing)
while bedding five ladies (a glad thing).
it's when horny old goats
go to sow their wild oats
that a crop failure's not such a bad thing!
"
"""grandma nasty"" just died and it sucks
that she left me her porcelain ducks.
uncle ned, it appears,
now sheds crocodile tears.
he inherited six million bucks.
"
"when you study the characteristics
of crime scenes, such things as ballistics,
and what evidence, say,
might contain dna,
that's the science of criminalistics.
"
"""beatle betty"" was known as a bimbo
and, frankly, as somewhat a dimbo,
but her holiday spirit
is strong. you can hear it
each time that she says ""merry crimbo!""
"
"if a princess one day in a bog
leaned over and kissed a huge frog
and a prince then appeared,
she'd be suitably cheered,
but i would just stand there agog.
"
"because of his flagrant flamboyance
and claims of all-seeing clairvoyance,
when the psychic gave readings
at solemn proceedings,
most people just watched with annoyance.
"
"all the women in town he romanced
with the masterful way that he danced.
""the dance floor,"" he said,
""is the first step to bed!""
in both places, his skills were advanced.
"
"one never jock once twos peek queerly,
andy hazard arks egret hell deer lee,
tudor shall lunge heal rice
hands pique nodding bought lice.
hook and tail daddies peaks ensign sear lee?
"
"i'm in college.  my g.p.a.'s sinking.
still i party. lord, what am i thinking?
i abandon my studies
to rave with my buddies,
abandonedly dancing and drinking.
"
"whenever jack wants to speak clearly,
and he has a dark secret held dearly,
to the challenge he'll rise
and speak nothing but lies.
who can tell that he speaks insincerely?
"
"janet jackson reportedly had
a slight ""wardrobe malfunction."" (how sad!)
the result of this gaffe?
no doubt all future half-
time performers sufficiently clad.
"
"take a sheet pan of batter and bake,
like you're baking a half-inch high cake.
when the baking is done,
take a knife; one by one,
cut up bar cookies?easy to make.
"
"christmas eve, katie boarded a blimp
and bombed neighbors with overcooked shrimp.
her behavior, so shocking,
earned coal in her stocking,
which is why she now walks with a limp.
"
"ninety oil drums of marshmallow fluff
are on order. i'm mad for the stuff!
on account day i'll pay
for delivery that day.
how i pray that i've ordered enough!
"
"as the truck runs me over, i'm aching,
and that noise that you hear, i'm not faking.
now my passing is near,
the last thing that i hear:
crepitation, the sound of bones breaking.
"
"""our neighborhood crime watch depends
on us staying alert!"" dan contends.
whispered agatha, ""i'm
not concerned about crime.
i just like keeping tabs on my friends.""
"
"thomas paine had received urgent word
of the war plans of king george the third.
this set his press humming:
""the british are coming!""
and a cry for protection was heard.
"
"""the british are coming!"" we hear
was the cry of the brave paul revere.
that's a falsehood, you know.
think, how could it be so?
this next limerick makes everything clear.
"
"floyd's a crack shot, incessantly bragging
of the marksmanship trophies he's bagging.
that term's patently not
an obscene candid shot
from the rear when floyd's beltline is sagging.
"
"though he had a most difficult gig,
chauvin's love for his country was big.
his friends called him loopy
(a napoleon groupie!),
the very first chauvinist pig.
"
"his goal: henry clay?white house resident.
his style: ""dirty tricks"" without precedent.
and the candidate's quote
we're most likely to note:
""i would rather be right than be president.""
"
"becky banged in the side of my car
'cause she thinks she's a ram?how bizarre!
i thought, ""what should i do?""
then she purred, ""i love ewe.""
(i'll put up with this only so far!)
"
"though her dealing was sloppy and artless,
this chicane would undoubtedly smart less
if some other chump
had declared hearts as trump.
hell, my hand and my ex are both heartless!
"
"you're as short as a small dish antenna, sis.
there is no one as short in vienna, sis.
i tell people, ""don't tease
or you'll risk both your knees.
she was born with achondro-damn-genesis!""
"
"""i entered 'lou's eats' as requested,
and returned with some soup to be tested.
i took pictures of lou
and his boss (you know who)
and then left around ten, unmolested.""
"
"lucille ball was a comedy master,
mining laughs from outrageous disaster,
like when wrapping by hand
tiny chocolates and
the conveyer belt kept moving faster.
"
"our harried and put-upon parson
has two chavvies, jos? and kim larson.
his nine-year-old boy
is an absolute joy,
but the younger's in prison for arson.
"
"i was serving my national duty,
exploring for underseas booty.
just as mack and the rest
found an old oaken chest,
i thought, ""crikey, that stingray's a beauty!""
"
"""we are planning on staging a coup!""
declared chicken coop resident sue.
fifty hens, beak to beak,
all cooped up, so to speak?
their fowl plan is quite cock-eyed, it's true.
"
"when i cracked up my car on route 3,
my soul from my body was free.
i'm an angel today,
but i just have to say
heaven's not all it's cracked up to be.
"
"if your lover and you are both nude
and enjoying an amorous mood,
should her husband walk in,
this is crucial: don't grin,
since to smirk at that point would be rude.
"
"a policeman, so shocked he was punchy,
exclaimed, ""there's a frog in this munchy??
i assume you, at least,
took the bones from the beast?""
""were it boneless, it wouldn't be crunchy!""
"
"in bras?lia, i happened to say,
""from the roof, there's an awesome display.""
on the edge, several stood.
i was frightened, but good!
cremnophobia kept me away.
"
"where's our daughter tonight? behind bars!
though this won't cause emotional scars.
no, that isn't a fib:
she's asleep in her crib,
that adorable baby of ours.
"
"it's a tale plastic surgeons will tell:
to ensure that your practice does well,
give each woman the curves
that she feels she deserves.
conglobations of silicone sell.
"
"""four decades have passed,"" he explains.
""i've great wealth and my own fleet of planes.
now they call me a sage,
girls one third of my age
flock around me (...but not for my brains).""
"
"her complexion was pock-marked and bloaty.
and her body? like truman capote!
i awoke, with alarm,
to find her on my arm.
for her file, look up ""ugly, coyote.""
"
"coyotes will battle a blaze
till it's out, earning well-deserved praise.
they may go, you should note,
to locations remote,
leaving family behind them for days.
"
"many bird-watchers pinpoint, with ease,
different cries of the birds in the trees.
as for me, i don't know
how to pick out the crow
from some chickadees shooting the breeze.
"
"""there's a mouse 'cross my grave somewhere stealing!""
such sensations, while less than appealing,
are contractions, that's all,
of one's muscles. we call
it crispation: that ""skin-crawly"" feeling.
"
"the crabapple jam that aunt nelly makes
calls for more of that fruit than her jelly takes.
it's small and it's round,
and for tartness renowned,
and it's great for preserves and for belly aches.
"
"1920: the white house had beckoned
james middleton cox (so he reckoned).
in our history long,
we were never so wrong
as the day when this man finished second.
"
"though my lover's a sixty-pound goon,
he'll pick fleas off me all afternoon.
do his canines seem wrong
being two inches long?
you might think he's a chacma baboon.
"
"since i'm privy to secrets galore,
my office, outside the main store,
has an icon authentic
(in shape it's crescentic)
that's carved right above my front door.
"
"a barmcloth is sensibly viewed
as a must when you're working with food.
i've often contended
it's well recommended
to men frying bacon while nude.
"
"if you paint your ass purple, that's funky!
make its hair a red mohawk? that's punky.
but don't do it, i say.
leave the animal grey
because colorlessness flatters a donkey.
"
"hatless heads, when the wind's in our hair;
women's breasts at the beach, if they dare;
lastly, asses in june
as the teenagers moon?
all are things that some people may bare.
"
"first there's arms, 'cause there's bad guys out there;
then expenses you find you can't share;
lastly pain, deep and strong,
that you pray won't last long?
all are things that some people may bear.
"
"as a youth, all the other guys jeered
at how baby-faced christian appeared.
they would call him ""christine.""
he was anguished, eighteen,
with not even a trace of a beard.
"
"betty baked me a boggy top pie.
tangy apples and quince met my eye.
as for top crust, there's none.
betty's never made one,
but she'll learn how that's done by and by.
"
"i auditioned for ""dazed and perplexed,""
in my hand the ask alison text:
""i'm, uh, scared around men.
may i start once again?""
when a voice in the dark called out, ""next!""
"
"a slash is a handy device
meaning ""over"" (divided by). nice,
but is ""12/10""
perhaps asinine when
""to the left of"" would seem more precise?
"
"to some friends with a daughter gone wild:
""i'm so sorry the cops have your child.""
while the dad, inconsolable,
wept tears uncontrollable,
his consolable wife merely smiled.
"
"the affair was acutely thick-skulled,
we admit, but our senses were dulled
due to liquor.  now we
(my kid sister and me)
have to go get our marriage annulled.
"
"their annulment?my folks' abrogation
of their vows?brings a change in my station,
since i and my siblings
(from a few legal scribblings)
are facing now bastardization.
"
"the fur coat bore a tiny white label:
""don't use cleansers that might be unstable.""
what the hell does that mean?
should i only dry-clean?
is it cleansable? who can clean sable?
"
"""i am presently under arrest
all because of a bat!"" he confessed.
he was jailed, it was true,
by our town's men in blue
since he'd failed a blood alcohol test.
"
"i'll be callin' on becca tonight.
mama says that i must be polite.
i know good girls won't take
off their clothes at the lake,
but i'm thinkin', for me, she just might.
"
"aleve, an n.s.a.i.d.,
relieves pain to an awesome degree.
break your leg? have arthritis?
bad cramps? tendinitis?
take two and feel better?you'll see!
"
"i'm a cenobite. why do you fight me?
you claim you're the same just to spite me.
you say that your order
can all walk on water.
if that's how you feel, cenobite me!
"
"is there truth to the myth of priscilla
and john alden?  no, not one scintilla!
it was longfellow's curse:
mis-historical verse?
like revere's midnight ride on godzilla.
"
"cleansing agents are used when one plunges
against various smudges and grunges.
they're not rubber-gloved spies
in your home, in disguise,
armed with squeegees, detergents, and sponges.
"
"i am screwed (on her birthday, my julie
reacted decidedly coolly:
""i'll be leaving,"" she said
when she caught me in bed
with her mom), i am screwed and screwed truly.
"
"""we are here to discuss the affair
of the slurs against black women's hair,""
said the manager, who
then said, ""imus, you're through,""
thus effectively clearing the air.
"
"the chocolate-box portrait depicted
a family by drugs unafflicted:
sunny smiles, perfect hair,
not a sign of despair,
when in fact five of eight were addicted.
"
"i had thought i would write about cults
luring grown-ups and how this results
in more work every day
for the group cma?
that's the center for missing adults.
"
"i was asked by this guy in a bar,
""listen, bub. d'ya like it bizarre?
for a c-note, i've got
thirteen ladies, red hot,
and all willing, outside in my car.""
"
"getting based out is easy to do
if it's freebase you choose to pursue.
you are told on the whole it
is safe; you control it,
then, suddenly, it controls you!
"
"there's a rumor i'm fearing is true
'bout your wife and a large kangaroo
checking in to an inn
for a weekend of sin.
i'd check into that soon, were i you.
"
"here's a word that's unused as can be
and yet easy to grasp, you'd agree.
you've heard the word trimester?
how about bimester:
two months in length and not three?
"
"though your baby, i grant you, is sizeable,
to delay would be quite inadvisable.
we will baptize elaine
(if need be, bring a crane),
since it's clear she is wholly baptizable.
"
"an investor writes in from decatur:
""can you say why my profits aren't greater
when the market is strong?""
as we've warned all along,
watch that spread that they've tagged alligator!
"
"he announced for george bush by attacking
john kerry and zealously backing
republican themes.
from these actions, it seems
his political sense must be lacking.
"
"if attention is focused primarily
on one certain thing, ordinarily
the suffix that's used
will be -centric. confused?
some examples i'll show momentarily.
"
"he was making his pitching debut
for the clippers of kalamazoo.
though he prayed for control,
seven walks took their toll.
he was creamed by the score twelve to two.
"
"things called cryoprotectants, louise,
can protect living tissues that freeze.
if you're storing spare parts,
such as kidneys and hearts,
in your igloo, go get some of these.
"
"the young mugger, bemasked, softly swore,
""i will not be id'ed like before.""
with his features well-hidden
he'll do what's forbidden,
bemasked by the fog from the shore.
"
"in miami, it's eighty degrees.
cryophobic, i'm begging you, please,
let me put on a sweater.
i swear i'll feel better.
don't laugh, i just don't want to freeze!
"
"i ache for your voice and your touch
(though in truth it's not real pain, as such).
this phrase is conveying
my longing.  i'm saying
i miss you so god-awful much!
"
"there's a band that's called oomph! and the chap
who plays keyboards quite clearly is crap.
that is not a critique.
it's his name! how unique?
quite a feather, i'd guess, in his cap.
"
"though the seed of belief could take sprout there,
dana scully had noteworthy doubt there
in the x-files: ""i see
no firm proof of e.t.""
yet the truth (so they tell us) is out there.
"
"""first the man lifts his mate overhead
as he stands on the foot of the bed...""
configurations like these
are destroying my knees.
let's lie down and just cuddle instead.
"
"aging hippies remember it well.
country joe and the fish gave a yell
to the peace-and-love throng,
near a half million strong:
""what's that spell?! ? what's that spell?! ? what's that spell?!!""
"
"you've got cicatrization, lucille,
meaning scar tissue's there to conceal
open wounds that occurred,
but it's just as you've heard:
if you pick it, it never will heal.
"
"when you come to our marshmallow store,
you'll find oil drums of fluff on the floor.
we found barrels no good,
since the slivers from wood
prompted negligence lawsuits galore.
"
"someone died in a crash on route 3
in a crack-up i happened to see.
as i sat in the back-up,
i cried, ""what a crack-up!""
such things are amusing to me.
"
"coochie-coochie: a dance meant to please
since the hips are not ever at ease.
they gyrate and grind
till a man blows his mind?
more respectable (just) than striptease.
"
"""war is hell!"" dad will say, and he's right.
""penny wise and pound foolish!"" i might
want to mention that dad,
if allowed, is quite glad
to go aphorize all through the night.
"
"william banting, a brit dietician,
made weight loss his lifelong ambition.
this ran counter, it seems,
to his other job's themes:
he was also an able mortician.
"
"it's doubtful that pitcher ralph branca
ever pitched in the land of sri lanka.
i'm not british, so i'm
here to say they both rhyme
with that wonderful film casablanca.
"
"do all back-seat drivers annoy?
no, i'm one?mine's a job i enjoy.
you may see me zip by
because i am a guy
in the fire department's employ.
"
"1840 and clay was not nominated
because harrison's backers had dominated.
he was offered vp.
""second place? that's not me!""
then he spoke of the friends he abominated.
"
"grace ""the blatterer"" flagg has a flair
for ensuring that silence is rare.
she once spoke with a friend
seven days without end?
a blatteration beyond all compare!
"
"when the giant had sneezed, we went whoosh!
then he stepped on us all with a squoosh?
my whole family and me,
uncle dick, aunt marie,
dogs and cats, the entire caboosh!
"
"it's ironic how individuality
has its basis in shared commonality.
this is all for the best,
yet, compared to the rest,
if you're too different, that's abnormality.
"
"you say winter is grand to behold?
from the window i'll watch it unfold.
cryesthesia's why
i'm a summertime guy,
since i'm sensitive (very!) to cold.
"
"gramps was one hundred seven years old
when the cryanesthesia took hold.
no more would he freeze
at sub-zero degrees,
since he'd lost the sensation of cold.
"
"""the reg'lars are,"" paul revere cried,
""coming out!"" on his famed midnight ride,
would ""the british are coming!""
have set war drums drumming?
i'll leave it for you to decide.
"
"i was crowned today ""miss cpo.""
such an honor! permit me to crow:
it means i'm the hottest
prosthetist-orthotist
who's certified, trained, in the know.
"
"welcome, class, to ""let's sculpt 101.""
making statues is easy and fun.
take a big hunk of rock,
chip away 'round the clock,
till it looks like your mom, then you're done.
"
"creamed corn? no, there's no dairy to it?
just the kernels with gunk running through it.
on the cob, corn is utter
delight spread with butter,
but creamed means it's easy to chew it.
"
"julie's named it (no kidding) ""the czar,""
and she's washed it each evening so far.
she treats it like glass.
it gets premium gas.
yes, she's crazy about her new car.
"
"here's a term that i've come across: crumpy.
it means ""brittle"" or ""crisp,"" but not ""grumpy.""
you might think, from the sound,
crumpy people abound
feeling dumpy or jumpy or frumpy.
"
"""what is better than one? i'd say no man!""
old maid ruth says, ""there's nothing below man.""
cryophobic is she,
so can someone tell me
why she went out and married a snowman?
"
"here's a quiz for the word-loving throng:
comfort letters?where do they belong
in the grand scheme of things?
tell the comfort one brings.
i don't care what you're guessing, you're wrong!
"
"barbaresque means ""barbaric in style,""
in a way cultured people revile:
dirty hovels and such.
frank lloyd wright? not so much.
just crude structures seen mile after mile.
"
"the people who form susquehanna's
town council will not sing hosannas
to anyone who
feels development's due.
these are folks who are known as bananas.
"
"the atta's a leafcutter ant.
i'd like to say more, but i can't.
this piece now takes a dive
since lines two up through five
are just space-wasting ""filler,"" i grant.
"
"to reveal someone's past isn't nice,
but big brown will forgive me this vice.
don't you think this is odd:
northern dancer, by god,
was this horse's great-grandfather twice?
"
"""hey, check out that blonde?what a sleaze!""
""that's my mother,"" responded louise.
such intensive ill will?
she despises him still!
to this day, he regrets his b?tise.
"
"against sheriff jack parker you rail,
and ignore his commands without fail.
""off the pigs!"" was too much.
i declare, son, that such
contumation will land you in jail.
"
"i've got cingulomania badly!
i must hug someone (anyone!) madly!
and your brother, marie?
he means nothing to me!
it is you who i lust for?not bradley!
"
"frederick douglass?reformer with flair!
silver tongue and brown skin and white hair.
on plantations he'd stand,
speak for liberty, and
abolitionize everyone there.
"
"some cryology students are peeping
at weather while others are sleeping.
that's the study of snow
and of ice, doncha know.
it just looks like the study of weeping.
"
"said saint peter, ""you'll just fit inside
since the pearly gates open up wide.""
""lose some weight?"" (my reply)
""sir, i swear to you i
was about to the day that i died.""
"
"(minus one) ep opu nblf b njtublf:
dszquphsbqiz't op qjfdf pg dblf
xifo zpvs gpsfifbe jnqmpeft.
(uifo bhbjo, nboz dpeft
bsf sfnbslbcmz fbtz up csfbl.)
"
"richard *key, *-crossed ringo *r,
goes where up*t sex-*ved *lets are.
*ts at *bucks, he *es
at the cu*d eclairs?
""ba*d co-*s! *k naked!"" (bizarre....)
"
"his religious devotion was deep,
so the scopes trial was hardly a leap.
evolution? it lost.
then again, at what cost?
five days hence, bryan died in his sleep.
"
"at my stove, i create no creations.
i've no sense for fine dining sensations.
should i wish to partake
in a really great steak,
what's the best i can make? reservations!
"
"the barn raising went as was planned.
every person in town lent a hand.
hard work (we don't fear it!)
builds community spirit,
something city folks don't understand.
"
"cryalgesia's pain, i am told,
that results from the presence of cold.
you'd feel it if you
from a hot tub withdrew
and then into a snowbank were rolled.
"
"""the babe did his business,"" said lou.
(i'm impressed since the kid's barely two.)
""did he halt the collapse
of the dollar, perhaps?""
""naw, i just mean to say he went poo.""
"
"""i've invented a game i call cricket,""
bragged a dame from new york. ""just the ticket
to bring me great fame.""
when r.e. heard this claim,
he informed her just where she could stick it.
"
"right on interstate 495,
alligators will eat you alive.
they're just soaking up sun.
should you run over one
you might find it a challenge to drive.
"
"i'm aware punctuation has faces
as cute as our own in some cases.
once a comma's main trait
was bad teeth (they weren't straight),
so a dentist supplied her with {braces}.
"
"we were lost in the woods, eight years old,
and we croodled to ward off the cold.
late at night, four scared boys?
what was that? what's that noise?
what to do? croodle closer, fourfold.
"
"""i've a crore in my pocket, you guys!""
is a statement extremely unwise
if you're touring in india.
let the locals get wind o' ya,
and a fool and his money applies.
"
"when the fighting had barely begun
in the ""great war"" we'd call world war one,
one short slogan expressed
uncle sam's grave request.
what's the cry that went out? ""stop the hun!""
"
"i'm not cryophylactic, so please
turn the heat up! i'll die if i freeze.
other creatures survive
being frozen alive,
some a thousand times smaller than fleas.
"
"coming back from the vet, ""i've been robbed!""
a dalmatian named gwendolyn sobbed.
""my long tail is now short,
i am sad to report,
a condition the humans call bobbed!""
"
"deaths of friends and of family and such,
and the day that your wife says ""don't touch!""
are occasions when i
feel it's all right to cry,
but the spilling of milk? not so much.
"
"my wife and i suffer from cenes-
thesiopathy, doctor, a grayness
of spirit. it's real,
this discomfort we feel,
although no distinct organ will pain us.
"
"john profumo, christina rossetti,
florence nightingale, victor spinetti,
also ida lupino
and t. palladino?
all britalian as tea and spaghetti.
"
"in our country, when push comes to shove,
we have rules that no person's above.
despite all our flaws,
we're a nation of laws?
our morass and solution thereof.
"
"at a party, we set out to mingle
and you're singing the ""toys r us"" jingle.
your manners are crude?
lord, you play with your food!
such a baby! no wonder you're single.
"
"there's a guy here, a limerick advancer,
who is also a fine morris dancer.
with a gal, he enchants her
with the line: ""ma'am, i answer
to psheil."" (what a roguish romancer!)
"
"""with my wife, i've a wild lust and rage thing.
i'm quite rich; she's a minimum-wage thing.
i'm a shrimp; she's a bison.
am i an anison-
damn-ogamist?"" ""no, that's an age thing.""
"
"a beanball is aimed at the head
of a batter the pitcher wants dead.
any hurler so throwing
should also be knowing
that batter has teammates.  'nuff said.
"
"""the oedilf's an immense waste of time!
every poet's a partner in crime!""
who's behind the creation
of this gross condemnation?
some moron unable to rhyme!
"
"with a scalpel in hand, my physician
admitted his foggy condition:
""though you need a colotomy,
your chart says colpotomy.
i'm good, but i'm not a magician!""
"
"i'm town crier. the news? i supply it:
""world peace?all the nations to try it!""
no more war! this is great!
yet what strikes me of late,
it seems odd that my job is to ""cry"" it.
"
"deb is sweet and outgoing and kind
and upbeat (a remarkable find!),
so it's sad to convey
i discovered today
she's congenially robbing me blind.
"
"""in spite of its name,"" explained carrie,
""cream soda is wholly non-dairy.
when the weather is hot,
does this drink hit the spot?
is it sweetly delicious? yep, very!""
"
"inquired some guy down the st.,
""what's this mean on my keyboard: del?""
(thinking s&d),
""ask some nyob!!""
then i threw the poor sap 15 ft.
"
"articulation has three meanings, heather:
in speech, it's the difference whether
or not you're well heard
and i grasp every word,
but it's also where bones come together.
"
"there's a creamer that sits on our table
i'd lose if i only were able.
it's inscribed ""pass the moo!""
but now what can we do?
it's a present from rich auntie mabel.
"
"grandma dotty fed birds in the park.
she believed she was safe after dark:
""i can tell, in the wood
folks are basically good.""
her acceptingness made her a mark.
"
"when we two are together, speak freely.
there's nothing we can't discuss, really.
we're the closest of friends
with a love that transcends
all the rest. you're my best bobbasheely.
"
"in my home, i've a definite flair
for performing a magic trick there.
to my family i say,
""let's do yardwork today!""
and they avolate into thin air.
"
"he's the silliest kid that we know.
(it's a stage that we hope he'll outgrow.)
""billy, please! you know that
is a bowl, not a hat!
act your age, now. you're being badot.""
"
"doesn't matter just where you might dwell,
be you human or thompson's gazelle,
with a form fat or thin,
every time you breathe in,
you must avolate one time as well.
"
"your reports are incredibly dry,
though i get what you mean, by and by.
yet analogies aid;
i need more, i'm afraid.
(i'm an analogivorous guy.)
"
"many heads are quite hairy?not mine.
you are comate? you've no cause to whine.
all the hair that you need...
then again, you're a seed.
(and that answer from elsewhere is: nine.)
"
"as a nun, i'm aware that it's clear
that the wages of sin are severe.
god needs me, i know,
but my lover says go.
i am caught in a crossfire here.
"
"if fermented grain mash makes you frisky,
you need not think the age statement risky.
take a 12-year-old scotch,
wait four years and then watch:
the result?  still a 12-year-old whisky.
"
"in response to a joke from raquel,
i typed ""great!"" and then ""ac"" as well.
it means ""audible chuckle.""
it's used where some schmuck'll,
not thinking, just type ""lol!!!!""
"
"a brain bag, according to hackers
and other young internet slackers,
is that fleshy domain
only here for your brain.
(to be honest, i'd say that's just crackers!)
"
"the flier said, ""come eat your fill!
we're gonna have brats on the grill.""
so be on the lookout:
a cannibal cookout!
tough love plus good eats?what a thrill!
"
"every man in the world thinks his ration
of lust is too small. you want passion?
if your goal is her bod,
give her jewelry, by god,
because bribery's always in fashion.
"
"in the war, fifteen fighters she downed.
on her farm, pigs and emus abound.
she ran rackets in greece?
now she's sought by police.
yes, it's clear that this gal's been around.
"
"stockcar dan is a dust-eatin' guy.
coniophagia's the sad reason why.
other drivers have seen
what this sickness can mean:
when they say ""eat my dust!"" he'll comply.
"
"this word complicacy's clearly a fright,
one far harder to say than to write.
does it work? yes, it does,
but then only because
complicatedness didn't look right.
"
"the nile delta is famed, so i hear,
for a bay that they call aboukir.
there the mighty french fleet
suffered dire defeat,
and 1-7-9-8 was the year.
"
"when you'd sublimate stuff, you possessed
a result that was highly assessed.
soon our word came to mean
""something more than just keen""?
the quintessence; the best of the best.
"
"our foes feel the very same need
for protection. it's freely agreed
they abuse shelters, too.
what's a hooker to do?
yes, ""the russians are coming!"" indeed.
"
"i'm so smart, i beat god playing chess!
i'm so dumb, to a child i regress.
i'm so brilliant, i'm solar!
?you say it's bipolar
disorder i've got? how'd you guess?
"
"could the name of this tidbit be worse,
this hors d'oeuvre that is called beggar's purse?
with starvation worldwide,
it cannot be denied
that this dish and its name are perverse.
"
"when big tony made lou ""go away,""
he had capped him, i'm sorry to say.
but when tony capped al
in a note to a pal,
read that: ""spelt with a capital a.""
"
"3-8-2-8-5-4, i been thinkin',
you ain't here on account a yer drinkin'.
yer political foes
wuz yer downfall. i knows
cuz i'm in the same boat?i shot lincoln.
"
"barry's stumped. what the hell is a ""cybrary""?
you can guess it, i'm sure, if you try, barry.
it's a word that is new.
here, i'll give you a clue:
try condensing the term cyber-library.
"
"blonde bombshells?  jean harlow was first.
later marilyn: beautiful, cursed.
then jayne mansfield was soarin'
like mamie van doren.
but paris today?  god, the worst!
"
"let me share a mysterious word.
the sole definition i've heard,
""like the articles,"" lacks
certain meaningful facts.
that's what altrical means?  how absurd!
"
"when they're calling the roll, i say ""present!""
some say ""yo!"" but that isn't as pleasant.
then there's birdie (a schmuck)
who responds with ""chuck-chuck!""
but it turns out he's some sort of pheasant.
"
"a computer-based outfit in nome
had lost contact with clients in rome.
on a memo was scrawled:
""there's a backhoe day called.""
all the techie types got to go home.
"
"florence nightingale graham changed her name
to elizabeth arden.  her fame:
she gave women the right
(not just ""gals of the night"")
to wear make-up without any shame.
"
"my interest in this one has crested.
after all of my effort invested,
everybody prefers
either his verse or hers
more than any that i have suggested.
"
"it's a new field called cqar?
tiny airborne robotics (bizarre!)
in closed quarters. they're light
and quite slow in their flight,
yet they'll spot you wherever you are.
"
"his sad eyes on two stalks will relate much
of a life that's hard shelled. ladies rate much
on looks, so he's screwed.
like a lobster he's viewed.
his crustaceousness means he won't date much.
"
"i'm a bouquinist. ""pieces of eight""
is the name of my shop (fifth & state).
i've got treasures for you?
secondhand, yes, that's true?
yet the authors i sell are first rate.
"
"""the chips that you place on your tongue
and the ones on our shoulders when young
aren't the same,"" explained mary,
""as what's on the prairie.
those are droppings and doo-doo and dung.""
"
"i can dig where you're coming from, alice
(which is not to say pittsburgh or dallas).
so i won't take offense
if you drop the pretense
and just say that my home is no palace.
"
"""it's when lucy is seen in the sky
that 'a girl with colitis goes by.'
the song warns, i suppose,
of intestinal woes.""
""clean your ears"" is my helpful reply.
"
"take a car (54), place within
two best friends who are cops, and then grin.
joe e. ross shared the car
with his lanky co-star:
a pre-herman munster fred gwynne.
"
"galileo advised his aunt janet:
""when the night sky is clear, we must scan it.
with my celatone here,
jovian moons will make clear
lines of longitude here on this planet.""
"
"i enjoy seeing madeline kelly dance.
it's like watching a bowlful of jelly dance.
""danse du ventre!"" she'll say,
as she gyrates away.
(she's too classy to call it a belly dance.)
"
"ben's a bastard. he constantly strives
to keep jill in the dark. he survives
by not telling his mate
of his actions of late?
for example, his three other wives.
"
"days of peace just precede future strife.
a great girlfriend can make a grim wife.
bubbly loses its fizz.
my philosophy is:
always look on the dark side of life.
"
"with a countenance dark and foreboding,
my manager's close to exploding.
in the trunk of my car
he found stock from the bar,
so i told him i'm just carbo loading.
"
"dark complexions are in, i am told.
""blue-eyed blonde""? that's a look that's grown old.
is this true? we'll just see
what the outcome will be
once american voters are polled.
"
"my friends say my wife is a curse:
""miss america, chris, in reverse!""
i reply she is gentle
and non-tempermental.
a body could do so much worse.
"
"she's gorgeous. that fact's undebatable.
""near perfection"" is how she is rateable.
dazzling smile, eyes as well,
plus she's willing as hell,
but at only 15, she's not dateable!
"
"mephistopheles, one clever chappie,
wrote a limerick extolling the crappie.
his efforts i'll copy,
but pronounce it as ""croppy.""
(so, there now. is everyone happy?)
"
"dactylitis, as everyone knows,
is not permanent: pain comes and goes.
you'll seek treatment, i trust,
even though it is just
inflammation of fingers or toes.
"
"it is clear that the family despises
unwelcome financial surprises.
""i want you should know
you will pay what you owe,
or it's curtains,"" big louie advises.
"
"i've invented nutritional sweets
made from vegetables nobody eats.
but my novel confectionery
draws comments rejectionary:
""horrid! cut back on the beets!""
"
"a bear jam, a new term for most,
will occur when a tourist, engrossed
by a yellowstone bear,
slows his car down to stare.
(it's not something for spreading on toast.)
"
"the explorer was known for his daring
and for personal safety not caring.
his great pluck, you'll allow,
is no good to him now.
he's a dinner some leopards are sharing.
"
"at the tannery, louie presides
over all of the crew. he decides
who works where. he might say,
""you're a beamster today.""
that's the guy who dehairs all the hides.
"
"i've heard bullfighter now is the name
of some software increasing in fame
for the way it attacks
and gives jargon the ax.
""obfuscation no more!"" is its claim.
"
"i was bending to pick up a stick,
when rising i heard a loud crick!
now i'm lying in bed
and i can't move my head.
so lift with your legs, that's the trick.
"
"dark glasses will keep out the light
if the sun is exceedingly bright.
if you smoke too much weed
they'll be just what you need,
even though it's eleven at night.
"
"""belt the children and then we'll have lunch
at mcdonald's."" i had me a hunch
something might be amiss,
so i followed them, sis.
boy, your timmy can sure take a punch!
"
"i'm between jobs, i'm sorry to say
(""unemployed,"" that is meant to convey),
though i'd make an exultant
financial consultant
at two thousand dollars a day.
"
"""there's a sizable fortune in chad,""
read a plea in an internet ad.
""for a very small fee,
you can share it with me!""
six months later, it's clear i've been had.
"
"my son's asthma attacks can be brutal.
my pleas (""don't burn garbage!"") are futile.
if to neighbors my pleading
won't lead to succeeding,
perhaps up their asses my boot'll.
"
"bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang!
bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! bang!
bang! bang! bang! bang! bang! ...""dad!
this is driving me mad.
buy my son one more gun and you'll hang!""
"
"there are words that give folks indigestion,
so allow me to make a suggestion:
just use darn in a jam
where you shouldn't use damn
and where #%&amp;@ is flat out of the question.
"
"now that cancer's invaded your chest,
angie, you must decide what is best.
with all updated news
and oncologists' views,
i am hoping you're keeping abreast.
"
"those are war plans you're typing today?
and your carbons you're throwing away?
you must shred them or burn them
or spies will come turn them
against you. come wartime, you'll pay!
"
"an old dachshund was pissed, through and through.
""when it comes to my breed, let's review:
i'm a 'dox-hoond,' he'd wheeze,
not a 'dash-hound.' pul-leeze,
do i look like a sprinter to you?""
"
"a scottie-dalmatian? i'll bite,
though the chance of this mating is slight.
i'm not saying the scottie
hates dogs that are spotty?
it's simply a matter of height.
"
"""local daredevil's jump: no success!"",
scream the headlines. ""this guy is a mess!""
the reporter's unsparing:
""look who you are daring.
your crash? a satanic caress!""
"
"my career? well, i'm not writing much.
there's my novel (that rarely i touch).
no short stories and, worse,
i've stopped writing free verse.
i just dabble in contests and such.
"
"that damn nudist camp watchdog i'll strangle!
i don't care how that looks from his angle.
""listen, spot, i am hot,
'cause that's painful, a lot!""
(when i sit in a deck chair, i dangle.)
"
"the meanings of buff grew and grew.
it's a verb and an adjective too.
it can mean ""make less dull,"" or
refer to a color:
a yellowish-brown sort of hue.
"
"since we're speaking of animal hides,
all the main etymology guides
will declare in the buff
then meant ""nude"" soon enough.
(also ""naked"" and ""starkers"" besides.)
"
"later buff came to represent ""leather,""
the kind used for uniforms whether
you marched or you rode,
and the term in buff showed
that the army had brought you together.
"
"1550:  we started with buff
meaning ""buffalo"" (easy enough),
but there's more.  thereupon
the word grew, so hang on
'cause the going's about to get rough!
"
"1820: throughout new york city
were ""buffs,"" often dirty and gritty
from fires they'd fought.
they were fools, some folks thought,
since they didn't get paid.  (what a pity!)
"
"next the word underwent transformation
to reflect now a chemist's creation.
from a solid, a gas
?are you listening, class??
with no liquid in sight: sublimation!
"
"brenda left me, but didn't say why,
in a note: ""this is it, chris. goodbye.""
i was crushed. i was blue.
didn't know what to do,
so i sat down and had me a cry.
"
"from your very first day here on earth,
let's be honest: there's disparate worth.
some are born to great wealth,
some to delicate health.
it's a crapshoot, this thing we call birth.
"
"many teens wear their pants way too low
and present a gross ""butt cleavage"" show.
let's crack down (pun intended)
on this style till it's ended
(though not picking on jill?only joe).
"
"when your marriage has lost all its fizz,
and your mate says that's just how life is,
if this life you can't face,
go ahead?play your ace:
let him know that the baby's not his.
"
"a breatharian's mealtime fixation:
no solids or liquids. translation:
""'eating' only the air?
there's a holy life there!""
(or, more likely, he'll die of starvation.)
"
"corned beef is a phrase you have heard,
but just why does it start with that word?
is there corn in the meat?
no, it's cornless, complete!
here's a hint: do you know how beef's cured?
"
"""someone told me you're learning the sax.""
""learnin', hell! man, the sax is my ax!
let's get down to brass tacks.""
then he played us some tracks.
yep, the sax was his ax to the max!
"
"the times were the darkest we'd seen:
i was orphaned at only thirteen.
next the farmhouse burned down,
then a traveling clown
met his end in our threshing machine.
"
"when -athon's at the end of a noun,
you can tell an event's going down
where duration is tricky
(it won't be a quickie!)
with endurance its greatest renown.
"
"when you stay at the winchester arms,
don't let ""arms"" set off any alarms.
that's no arsenal cell.
it is just a hotel
trying hard to convey old world charms.
"
"""can dactyliomancy express
if she'll always be true to me?"" ""yes!
with these finger rings, you
may divine things. it's true,
since the future is anyone's guess!""
"
"they say carl xvi gustaf's big
out in stockholm, their biggest bigwig.
king of sweden is he.
1973
marked the start of that very sweet gig.
"
"jeffrey dahmer was stark, raving mad,
but was ""saved"" late in life, i must add.
he's in heaven (they've checked!),
so i have to suspect
that damnation can't be all that bad.
"
"""i'm a dark horse to be the next pope.
it's unlikely, but still i have hope.""
""you're the darkest of horses!
the reason, of course, is
you're not even catholic, you dope!""
"
"there's a pirate they called peg leg greg
who was not all that bad of an egg.
he saw dust, gave a sigh:
""well, i'm stumped; i could cry.
i've got termites attacking my leg!""
"
"influenza's a killer, we're told.
it's much more than a mere common cold.
as the whole world had seen
back in 1918,
it attacks both the young and the old.
"
"on a beach, there's a mom and her brat,
when a wave comes and knocks the kid flat.
at great risk to his skin,
someone hauls the kid in,
but the comment from mom? ""where's his hat?""
"
"jackson pollock shows little restraint
in blue poles as he throws on the paint.
with no figures, no meaning,
no sense intervening,
american gothic, it ain't.
"
"the movie was better, i think.
in the painting, the title's the link
to that lifestyle bizarre.
this is only a bar
where some old people gather to drink.
"
"an old lady who looks sort of cranky
has this hat like an overgrown hanky.
if she said to me this:
""davey, how bout a kiss?""
i would have to respond with ""no, thanky!""
"
"""with that butt, she should never wear slacks.""
""plus her personal hygiene is lax.""
""she kills kittens for fun.""
i don't know what i've done
to deserve all these verbal attacks.
"
"you're a damsel? your life is a mess.
this assumption's unkind, i confess.
still, you're seen now and then,
though it only seems when
you're involved in some sort of distress.
"
"when attack plays an adjective's role,
its noun will have doom as its goal.
take attack force. if they
should approach you one day,
they're not out for a casual stroll.
"
"all my life i have had a cafe job
slingin' hash, i suppose an ok job.
still i'd rather make dough
writing limericks, you know,
but my friends tell me, ""don't quit your day job.""
"
"i can grasp any goal i pursue?
any starlet in hollywood, too.
i could lead the u.s.?
well... not quite, i confess,
but now, daydreaming, that i can do!
"
"brenda sue is now pregnant, alas,
and i feel like a dummy, first class.
""when you're having your fun,
use a condom, my son,""
said my dad. ""always cover your ass!""
"
"argued highway patrolman eugene:
""every crash report i've ever seen
says that seat belts appear
to save lives since it's clear
that your dashboard's a poor trampoline.""
"
"the word alcohol first meant a dry
sort of powder to highlight the eye.
just a pinch for each lid
made them dark?oh, you kid!
(it would turn into booze by and by.)
"
"where's the adverb implying you're tubby?
tall and lean? no, you're short, squat, and stubby.
the term chubbily, i've heard,
is precisely that word:
""in the manner of one who is chubby.""
"
"she was ""easy."" my chances seemed strong
that i'd score on our date. i was wrong.
i had counted a lot
on her rep, but then not
on her grandmother coming along.
"
"on the base paths, he'd cadillac when
he had just hit a homer, but then
in the field he would loaf.
""run that fly down, you oaf!
i don't care if your team's up by ten!""
"
"denny's hot dogs and beans didn't suit 'em,
so they bellowed. their mom couldn't mute 'em.
it's a major pet peeve,
but i firmly believe
that when children act up you should shoot 'em!
"
"i'm not askin' for much, just a fraction
of every illegal transaction.
take a salary? not me!
i'll be workin' for free.
all i want is a piece of the action.
"
"in the '80s, japan, riding high,
had one word for great art: ""buy! buy! buy!""
loans were made. lots of cash
traded hands?then the crash.
bad-debt art's now in ample supply.
"
"a new dad, i was thrown for a loop,
and my spirits were starting to droop.
then six months after ""mama,""
my baby said ""dada.""
(i followed both ""doggy"" and ""poop!"")
"
"an ex-con in a seedy motel
had ""a nice box of cubans"" to sell.
i said fine. (meet eduardo,
diego, ricardo,
ernesto, raoul, and miguel.)
"
"only dad is alive? then you're mommaless.
you're barackless? i guess you're obamaless.
now you say you're a line
with no pauses? that's fine.
punctuation-wise, surely you're commaless.
"
"a new yorker who moved to miami
bilked tourists with offers flimflammy,
till one stormy day,
breakers washed him away.
he cried, ""dat wuz a reg'lar tsunami!""
"
"cx can mean ""customer,"" then
""chief executive"" now and again.
it means ""cervix"" as well,
and ""chron x"" (what the hell?),
or it could be a hundred and ten.
"
"for vacation, it's true, i prefer to go
nude camping, but cannot get her to go.
i'll ask and she'll whine,
""chris, you know i've benign
paroxysmal postural vertigo!""
"
"""oh, my love, you're the light of my life!""
""i've a dark side as well,"" said my wife.
this i could not believe
till last year, christmas eve,
when she hugged me and plunged in the knife.
"
"it's the same on both sides of the pond:
say ""i dare you!"" and kids will respond.
why it works, i don't know,
but i daresay they'll go
to the ends of the earth and beyond.
"
"the crit in the times made ford bitter:
""the trilogy's run out of glitter.
porcine round-up, part three,
it's quite easy to see,
is the weakest wee pig of the litter.""
"
"when one's lot goes to hell, folks say, ""hey, there!
though your life may be dark, you're ok there.
things may worsen and then
much improve. (then again,
they might all get much worse and just stay there.)
"
"my apartment's all done in dark blue,
though the lighter shades drew me, it's true.
i'd thought peacock, or baby,
or robin's-egg, maybe,
but went with a dark somber hue.
"
"the dakotas? one's life is ok there.
the air has a fragrant bouquet there.
little crime or ill will,
lower prices?but still
if it's not on a coast, folks won't stay there.
"
"""bloody death"" was a moonshiner's poochie.
an attack dog, he'd guard all the hooch. he
was muscular, lean,
like a canine marine,
and a pup with whom no one got smoochy.
"
"your boyfriend loves videotaping
dogs mating. there is no escaping
you're too good for darryl.
when it comes to the barrel,
it's clear it's the bottom you're scraping.
"
"i feel sorry for auntie bernice
with her bingo wings never at peace.
they will swing to and fro
'neath her biceps, although
that's your lot when you're old and obese.
"
"i've got basoerythrocytosis,
campylobacteriosis,
arteriolitis,
choroidocyclitis,
and angiohyalinosis.
"
"i fear angiomatoses a lot.
of the rare ones, we hardly know squat.
my doc replies, ""bingo!
cutaneomeningo-
spinal's the one that you've got.""
"
"""there's no shade, and the sand is too hot!
all these kids runnin' round should be shot!
no, i won't rub some oil
on your shoulders, chris doyle!""
is this person a beach crab? he's not.
"
"darby theatre's both dark and well lit,
an odd turn of events, i'll admit.
but the lighting's no use
(turn it off?save the juice!)
since the actors got lit up and quit.
"
"my sweet wife, queen louise of estonia,
is wearing a cubic zirconia.
yes, her ""diamond"" is fake,
so my life is at stake
should she learn it's a phoney-balonia.
"
"there once was a pony named dusty
who was agile and loving and trusty,
but her owner, named gus,
saw her oozing green pus
which, when dried, grew revoltingly crusty.
"
"where's my horn? i am all in a panic!
my dance band will cross the atlantic
by thursday, i think,
if the ship doesn't sink.
(never happen!  we're on the titanic.)
"
"the platform that's tagged accommodation?
a mixed blessing, in my estimation.
offshore drilling's my work,
and this lodging's a perk
as i toil in extreme isolation.
"
"""oh, you think you're so smart,"" shouted erica,
""with command of arcane esoterica!
can you back up that claim?
ok, jerk, try to name
the confederate states of america.""
"
"it is hard to believe, goodness knows:
picture beach hockey programs with pros
shooting balls, not a puck.
sponsors said, ""what the hell
are we doing? this stinks and it shows!""
"
"says a man from darjeeling named matt,
""our famed ealing-bound tram's where it's at!
we declare with great pride
you'll enjoy a fine ride
(just as long as you're wearing a hat).""
"
"the term cutling denotes a fine art
that is dear to my pocket and heart.
""every kitchen needs knives,""
i tell husbands and wives,
""you will buy a nice set if you're smart.""
"
"on the east coast of scotland is where
you'll find dabbities, fashioned with care:
parrots, lions, and more.
mighty hard to ignore
handmade chimney-place ornaments there.
"
"william wordsworth? the man was enthralled
by a meadow where daffodils sprawled.
here today it seems silly,
but daffadowndilly
was once what that flower was called.
"
"ambimouseterous, please understand,
is a r?sum? term in demand
by employers who seek
that supreme alpha geek
using mice with his left or right hand.
"
"""the grizzlies are calling!"" says hugh,
your new love. ""let's go back to the zoo!""
this ursine obsession
is showing progression.
i think he bears watching, don't you?
"
"cabaret of the nameless: the wrong show
if you wanted a nice sing-along show.
1920s berlin?
lacking talent?  you're in!
it was less cabaret and more gong show.
"
"they told me the day i was hired
a hard-working man was required.
door to door, all uphill,
i sold anvils but still,
though i'd busted my ass, i was fired.
"
"first some aliens kidnapped our cow,
then our son ran away with our sow.
the way our luck runs,
twenty vultures with guns
should arrive here along about now.
"
"just as lemons produce lemonade,
from fresh peanuts our peanut oil's made.
so what manner of men
would be sought after, then,
to go work in the baby oil trade?
"
"on the beach there's a model (oh, wow!)
who's as nude as the law will allow.
she's the kind often seen
in a men's magazine.
""aren't you glad that we came here?"" ""and how!""
"
"to prepare for our blessed event,
over twenty-five dollars was spent
just on baby oil. why?
i'm a penny-wise guy.
it's just mineral oil with a scent!
"
"colonitis? i've got it, alas,
and my buddies berate me en masse.
in the chatrooms they post
that i'm self-diagnosed
since my head's firmly stuck up my ass.
"
"""chris, your x-rays reveal something strange,""
said my doctor. ""you need to arrange
for a surgeon and shrink?
there's within you, i think,
at least twenty-five dollars in change.""
"
"though it's not truly acne, per se,
it can cause you substantial dismay
when the back of your neck
is an absolute wreck,
and those pimples just won't go away.
"
"""cave popcorn!"" i heard denise mutter,
and my joy, when i saw it, was utter.
these formations in caves
from explorers draw raves,
but they're not to be eaten with butter.
"
"if a cesium clock's on your list
for next christmas, you ought to insist
santa bring you a site
for this clock.  do it right,
since it's nothing you'd wear on your wrist.
"
"you're aboveboard. that means you abstain
from concealment and lies. you maintain
your head high. it's a state
where you're honest and straight,
and where surfers all try to remain.
"
"while the road to the white house is long,
you must first please the iowa throng.
most supporters today
of one candidate say:
""what the hillary doing that's wrong?""
"
"yes, lieutenant, i've set up your bivvy
(though i wouldn't if i were a civvy).
still, in any event,
you should fix your own tent.
i remind you, i'm not your damn skivvy.
"
"a 527 committee
is a type of political kitty
that, by law, is allowed
to raise funds from the crowd
whose donations are not itty-bitty.
"
"a costotransversectomy, steve?
if the biblical tale you believe,
though today this seems odd,
that's the first step that god
did on adam to bring about eve.
"
"""i'm a palindrome!"" very astute
was our otto, that drunken ol' coot.
""spell my name left or right,
you'll get otto all night,
but when read inside out, you get toot!""
"
"""i am agamous?have been for years!""
i confessed after eight or ten beers.
all seduction plans died
in this gal by my side,
and she turned and walked out?britney spears.
"
"what is beelining? first catch a bee
then you mark it and set the thing free.
after four or five tries,
watch how each of them flies.
at this point trigonometry's key.
"
"""put the wood in the sawbuck,"" says joe,
this big lumberjack fella i know,
""then you cut it in half
with a bucksaw?don't laugh!
do you think that i'm kidding here? no!""
"
"bimestrial courses are here:
two months long, we fit six in a year.
i had taken one once
that met every two months.
that's bimestrial also, i fear.
"
"it's beyond me how anyone ever
writes verse that's exceedingly clever.
i don't get it. i try
my best wit to apply,
but results? are they humorous? never!
"
"""you can be your own boss. you're retired.
to many great works be inspired!""
i said fine, slept in late;
the conditions were great,
but no output, so, ""strolin, you're fired!""
"
"i grew ill while proposing to julie;
she laughed at my plight quite unduly.
she said no and then split
with the diamond. yes, it
was a chapter of accidents, truly!
"
"""there are things with two angles out there,""
claimed my math teacher, mr. o'hare.
then he questioned me this:
""what's biangular, chris?""
but the best i could guess: ""half a square?""
"
"let this old campaign hand put you wise:
an election's no more than two guys
both ignoring the facts
to launch personal attacks
and bemire each other in lies.
"
"though his shirt has a staff sergeant's rank on it,
is he really a soldier? don't bank on it!
his hair is too long
and his ribbons are wrong.
mon dieu! i would not bet a franc on it.
"
"when his engine had sucked up some kelp
and then seized, he called out with a yelp:
""can you fix it? please try!""
but i had to reply,
""no, i'm sorry. your boat's beyond help.""
"
"the ogre was eager to groom us.
he'd bathe us then brush and perfume us.
he was hungry, it's true,
so as all of us knew,
it was big of him not to consume us.
"
"when you type ""a-f-a-i-c-t,""
you have studied some subject and see,
while your view is well founded,
you won't be astounded
should somebody else disagree.
"
"your blood (and the platelets it's got),
when it's donated, helps out a lot
with coagulative ills
of a nature that kills
when a patient has blood that won't clot.
"
"when george carlin and i had long hair,
erma bombeck seemed terribly square.
now i'm bald, 53,
and a grampa, i see
there's a lot of hip comedy there.
"
"i belong in tussauds? goodness gracious!
your attacks are unkind and vexatious.
i use floor wax in place
of plain soap on my face,
which is why my complexion's ceraceous.
"
"first my boss said, ""you're fired!"" then this:
""your sweet wife says she'll marry me, chris.
you will just have to leave her
and your golden retriever.""
that guy is a real can of piss!
"
"bid a bead means to offer a prayer
as you might were your rosary there.
meeting spiritual needs,
one might urge, ""say your beads.""
such beads bidding can ward off despair.
"
"she said, ""bide a wee."" (what the hell's that?
is she telling me, ""take off your hat""?
is she bragging, ""my rump
is both shapely and plump""
and requesting i give it a pat??)
"
"daddy caught us in bed unawares.
to my lover, he growled, ""say your prayers!""
first he beat my poor ken,
broke his kneecap and then
threw him baltering down our back stairs.
"
"how i laughed when this bastard named matt
(eight years old and a horrible brat)
got an end-of-bat hit.
did it sting? quite a bit!
that's referred to as bees in your bat.
"
"screamed the boss, ""johnson, i've got your number!
you've been using the boardroom for slumber.
we hold meetings in there!""
johnson said, ""i declare
i had thought that was where we stored lumber.""
"
"cable-access is locally shot.
and our audience? not a whole lot.
though i am on tv,
this is not nbc,
so the quality's not all that hot.
"
"as a batter, trev ""superman"" lehrer
would fill every pitcher with terror.
as a fielder, however,
incompetent trevor
would boot every ball for an error.
"
"any cheap one-base hit is a bingle,
also known as a texas league single.
if the ball hits your bat
where your hands are both at,
you can bet that they're going to tingle.
"
"on the field we looked skillful, well versed,
and in baseball tradition immersed.
'round the horn we would throw
just to watch the ball go
straight to third, then to second, then first.
"
"what a hot dog! our outfielder, joey,
likes the basket catch 'cause it's so showy.
""but take care!"" he advises,
""and don't risk surprises
with this if it's rainy or snowy.""
"
"while it's true that a choke hitter chokes,
and it's failure this wording evokes,
it's the bat he is choking.
sounds odd? i'm not joking.
short hits are the sort this guy strokes.
"
"asked?speller?iago?lamar,?/?""a?r?e??y?o?u??f?o?r?/?w?h?a?t??i?/?m?e?a?n??b?y?/?c?o?l?l?i?n?e?a?r?""
"
"said the hooker, ""men typically spend
more than 200 bucks on me, friend.""
when he offered a dollar,
it caused her to holler,
""cheap bastard! do not buck the trend!""
"
"""i'm a d.d.s. kind of a gal!""
well, i needed some work (root canal).
for the next time, will i
be the kind of a guy
who makes sure she's a dentist? i shall!
"
"""i'm so glad that you're part of the throng
who showed up, had a laugh, sang a song,""
warbled carol burnett.
""seems we only just get
barely started and then it's 'so long!'""
"
"the director said, ""here's what you do:
there's a line 'six men stand.' that's your cue.
you come in?join the actors.""
i did, but the fact is
the raves for my acting were few.
"
"you would think with his father as pope
that this guy would be scrupulous?nope!
he would murder at will
with remarkable skill.
(once you start, it's a slippery slope.)
"
"a castrensial life?not a care!
just a tent and the sweet summer air.
me and donna knew this:
outdoor living is bliss!
(but then junior got mauled by a bear.)
"
"breatharianism? i doubt it!
dietitians are outraged about it.
""eating"" sunlight and air?
there's no sustenance there!
as a creed, only lunatics tout it.
"
"when cunctatory tactics delay
what i'm doing, they prompt me to say:
""while your help would be grand,
if you can't lend a hand,
would you please just get out of the way!""
"
"when poor scarlett designed that fine dress,
it was rhett she had tried to impress.
later, ""where shall i go?""
he replied, ""i don't know,
and quite frankly i couldn't care less!""
"
"i'm cunctipotent! no one defeats me!
in the race for ""top dog,"" no man beats me.
there's no greater than i?
like a bird, i can fly!
even god tends to swoon when he meets me.
"
"the computer repairman was vexed
at the work that's described in this text:
""each component must be
set in line, one, two, three.
you must daisy-chain each to what's next.""
"
"our prospects are going downhill again
till chances for rescue seem nil again.
though we're castaways now,
we'll be home soon. here's how:
let's stop screwing around and kill gilligan!
"
"ace reporter chris jay got the scoop:
all four beatles reforming the group!
george and john are to sing
through this ouija board thing.
what a story?a really big whoop!
"
"wow, your husband's a calmness phenom!
he responds now by dropping a bomb:
he had known he'd been had,
that he wasn't the dad,
but has evidence you're not the mom!
"
"he's adopted? is that how this ends?
no, the plot into madness descends,
for the baby, you see,
is a wide-screen tv.
""dear, these men in white coats are your friends.""
"
"when from lovers loretta is splitting,
or just sex is the thing she is quitting,
pairs of jeans she'll revise
so they show off her thighs,
because cut-offs, she feels, are most fitting.
"
"with some boobs in your marketing plan,
you can sell anything to a man:
bourbon, autos, computers,
the hot wings at hooters...
eve and apples, that's how it began.
"
"gabriella's no prude?here's the thing:
she just wants what a marriage can bring.
""hanky-panky? i'm not
about to do squat
with a guy till he gives me a ring.""
"
"""partly sunny is what you should say.
that's the image we want to convey,""
the commander insisted.
when the sergeant resisted,
while right, he was sent on his way.
"
"if you rhyme my home state, please feel free
to just use the short format: ct.
easy rhymes? there are plenty?
some nine hundred twenty,
but ""connecticut""? tough, you'd agree.
"
"in chicago, it's forty below.
cryophilic, i'm yearning to go
kiss a snow-woman. what?
you don't think that that's hot?
unlike me, you were not raised on snow.
"
"c &amp; w music is why
people come to my bar when they're dry.
every good ol' boy backs
country/western-style acts,
so no purple-haired freaks need apply.
"
"back when bareknuckled boxing was in,
every fighter required thick skin.
no gloves meant more cuts
(this profession took guts!)
and the ""bleeders"" did not often win.
"
"had your fill of mccain and obama,
yet still craving political drama?
though you're not the real thing,
why not wire beijing:
""where's my visa, guys? (signed) dalai lama.""
"
"cyberpiracy? this is bizarre!
here you board victims' ""ships"" from afar.
then their booty you seize
with the greatest of ease
and a ""yo ho ho, click, back slash, arrrr!""
"
"oh, those dactylists, boy, they're humdingers!
how the mem'ry of dactylists lingers!
whether epic or terse,
they write ""dah-da-da"" verse.
(did you think that they ate with their fingers?)
"
"the police slapped the darbies on helen
for serving her guests poisoned melon.
now the killer insists
they're too tight on her wrists.
oh, poor baby! that's tough?you're a felon!
"
"on the subject of gift-giving, scott,
my ex-boyfriend, just didn't know squat.
i would hint once or twice,
""some think camel hair's nice.""
but the paint brush i got? thanks a lot!
"
"on command from some taliban bugger,
without batting an eye soldiers plug her!
get me next to these guys
and when i'm batting eyes,
it'll be with a louisville slugger.
"
"""almost bedtime,"" a voice matriarchal
advises before the stars sparkle.
there's a fading of light
though it isn't yet night,
and the verb for this process? to darkle.
"
"cried a taliban soldier, ""stay out
of affairs you know nothing about!
all our killing is done
for the most holy one.
we're not madmen; we're merely devout!""
"
"""he's an also-ran."" this word, of course, is
a term that was first used with horses,
by those in the know,
for ""not win, place, or show,
but he tried hard"" (or so say my sources).
"
"""damn pollution!"" ""damn kids!"" ""damn front yard!""
the word damn was my dad's calling card.
though he wanted to quit,
he was weak, he'd admit.
still, he worked at it damnably hard.
"
"you forget more than half what i say,
and your questions are turning me gray!
so pick up a pencil
and write down bimensal.
the word means ""bimonthly,"" ok?
"
"cephalalgia! that's what she claims
when i want to play lovemaking games.
""oh, my head! sorry, pet.
it's the worst migraine yet.""
all i know is our sex life's in flames.
"
"though you're gorgeous and sensual, sherry,
in chess that won't help, so be wary.
look! your king's on his own.
his defenders have flown.
is he now more attackable? very!
"
"when you're armed to the teeth, it is clear
you don't look like some wild buccaneer.
and the lesson therein?
you are no errol flynn.
""to the teeth"" simply means ""up to here.""
"
"madame curie, upset, in a flurry
cried, ""blast! there is salt in my curry!""
said her husband pierre,
""i detect nothing there.
it's small beer, my marie. not to worry.""
"
"pomeranian, terrier, spitz?
get a bomb and let's blow them to bits!
collie, pekingese, beagle?
let's make them illegal.
(cynophobic, my life is the pits.)
"
"the comic's routine was fantastic!
his jokes were sarcastic, bombastic,
scholastic, and more;
how he made the crowd roar!
('cept for me?i'm, alas, agelastic.)
"
"the fame of george beadle had soared
upon winning a nobel award
for describing how genes
are controlling the means
of production in cells, my sweet lord!
"
"feline acne? where do i begin?
could that crap on your pussycat's skin
be bacterial? fungal?
a small pimply jungle
breaks out mostly there on its chin.
"
"a cherup's a sharp, cheerful noise
like the one that a cricket employs.
the insecticide crowd
will complain it's too loud,
but they're people nobuggy enjoys.
"
"his father, a famed ne'er-do-well,
was shot dead and now suffers in hell.
the son, we all pray,
won't wind up the same way,
but in private we say, ""blood will tell.""
"
"the patient, abandoned since may,
is now well but has no place to stay.
this dog's owner had said,
""heal my pet,"" but then fled.
let's just pray he's abandoned some day.
"
"while i dated melissa mccreedy,
of more girlfriends i felt i was needy.
dad advised: ""understand
that a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush. don't be greedy!""
"
"jerry totalled his '55 nash.
now his cheek sports a hideous gash.
with six teeth and an ear
in the street, it's quite clear
he was pretty banged up in the crash.
"
"this dance floor was meant to be leapt on
and twirled on and pased on, except on
the day some french lass
brought her puppy to class.
what a pity when rover got stepped on.
"
"a cutlet's a thin slice of meat.
(ok, that definition's complete.
cutling's next on the list.
i might need an assist;
this one won't be so easy a feat.)
"
"ca10mg2al4,
then 5 times we have (sio4),
(si2?almost through!?
linked with o7)2,
and then, last but not least, (oh)4.
"
"i've a small-breasted girlfriend named wanda,
whose dancing i'm ever so fonda.
a dab, we both know,
is a flatfish, and so
she's ""my sexy limanda limanda.""
"
"a butch was a haircut i knew
as a kid, also known as a ""crew.""
then the beatles appeared
on the scene. millions cheered
and to butch cuts we all bid adieu.
"
"there is little that might make me gladder
than curing this pain in my bladder.
my cystalgia's the pits.
i assure you that it's
guaranteed to make anyone sadder.
"
"cable skiing's a sport, you should note,
that the germans would like to promote.
you're pulled by a cable
and somehow are able
to ski without aid of a boat.
"
"with computers, i haven't a clue.
now mine's dead?what the hell should i do?
there's a hotline i call,
but they're no help at all:
""have you studied your gear's dfu?""
"
"the good news is, no, you're not fired;
but the bad? you're no longer desired.
what i'm trying to say:
when you leave work today,
you won't need to come back. you're dehired.
"
"i thought dharma and greg was a hoot!
jenna elfman as dharma was cute.
as a flower child, she
was as free as can be,
while her husband lived life in a suit.
"
"my warm, fleshy girlfriend lenore
is a cuddlesome gal i adore.
we will cuddle up tight,
make mad love through the night,
and then after, we'll cuddle some more.
"
"mom and uncle raoul are ashamed
of the outrage with which they've been blamed.
uncle's brother, young fred,
caught the couple in bed.
""cutleaved coneflower!"" daddy exclaimed.
"
"your instruments do not attack.
it is clear that precision you lack.
simultaneous starts
from all orchestra parts
are not heard. that's what's holding you back.
"
"after dinner, it's clear dad provokes
mother's wrath when he stands and says, ""folks,
while my wife does the dishes,
this gentleman's wish is:
let's adjourn to the parlor for smokes.""
"
"the stripper disrobed with great feeling.
her dance moves were wild and free-wheeling.
with beauty and grace
in both figure and face,
it's no wonder men found her appealing.
"
"in a tomb, with a pharaoh installed,
on the wall there's a sign crudely scrawled:
""if you steal what is here,
your own death will be near.""
apagoresis?that's what that's called.
"
"the cz (that's ""canal zone"") is gone.
the americans? mostly withdrawn.
still, sweet candlelit nights
and erotic delights
in my mem'ry will live on and on.
"
"""dbt,"" i had heard the cast say.
""all this tinkering's ruined our play.""
too much ""help""? that's unwise.
i can empathize, guys.
i've had limericks that died the same way.
"
"i denounced the car stereo clerk:
""this system's outdated, you jerk!
it won't play dcds
or my fave dccs,
and the records you sold me don't work!""
"
"next, to 1750 we go,
and this term still continues to grow.
first it meant the ingredient
that makes booze expedient,
then later precisely why so.
"
"ted danson, an actor, earned fame
slingin' booze. ""sam malone"" he became
in a sitcom whose creed
was man's primary need
is a bar where they all know your name.
"
"johnny mathis once sang something grand?
""there is one thing i can't understand:
like a kitten that's treed,
i am helpless indeed.
i get brumous just holding your hand.""
"
"a critical temperature, class,
is that level above which a gas
can't be squeezed to create
a new liquified state,
no matter what strength's brought to pass.
"
"cyclophoto- (pretend there's a chap
with glaucoma. you just have to zap
with a laser) coag-
(near the tumor?don't gag!?
in his eye. it's) ulation (a snap!)
"
"playing harpsichord south of the border,
sue did three shows a night. fans adored her.
but her schedule's demands
made a wreck of her hands:
she's got cumulative trauma disorder.
"
"on that maori drum that she plays,
a zzxjoanw, loretta earns a's,
but an f for that word,
one no maori's heard,
since they don't have z's, x's, or j's.
"
"while i'd like to be suave, as a rule
around girls i'm completely uncool.
when they're near me i try
to be charming, but i
come off looking like some sort of fool.
"
"fourteen grand for a deck? i was reeling!
""this bill is a joke!"" was my feeling.
such unlimited gall!
what's a deck, after all,
but a room with no walls or a ceiling!
"
"it's a typical boy-meets-girl movie
from the '60s: dad's all disapprovey,
""you're too young!"" they elope.
they make love and smoke dope.
grampa loves his new granddaughter groovy.
"
"my two lips, and my back, and my chin,
and my neck, and my butt, and each shin
are all covered with this,
what you touch when you kiss.
dermatography? treatise on skin.
"
"deltiologists, one might suspect,
study deltoids, but that's incorrect.
they are hobbyists who
buy and trade and accrue.
picture postcards are what they collect.
"
"""our pet puma is tame."" i was awed!
being friendly, my stomach he pawed.
""see, he likes you!"" they said.
in a snap, i was dead.
how i wish that they'd had him declawed.
"
"i need someone who's up, effervescent,
with a stream of good cheer that's incessant,
to help when i'm blue?
someone nothing like you,
since, my god, you're a walking depressant!
"
"there's this guy they call ""b. o."" mcneely
who uses deodorant freely.
it is made by old spice.
does it make him smell nice?
since he seldom will bathe, no, not really.
"
"doing 80 when ordered to stop
(which i did), so i says to this cop:
""you're a dandyling, pig!
insignificant, dig?
kiss my ass, you contemptible fop!""
"
"my life as a barber, to me,
is a bore to an endless degree.
back to school once again,
i will cross-train and then
a fine lumberjack soon i will be!
"
"bitching betty said, ""caution! terrain!""
as the earth got too close to the plane.
this calm mechanized voice
gave the pilot a choice:
crash and burn, or some airspace regain.
"
"said an internet hacker named hank,
""it is people like me you can thank
for the term 404ing.
don't think i'm ignoring
your point; i'm just drawing a blank.""
"
"certain hydroids, wherever they are,
in an ocean or sea, near or far,
have actinulae right
where new life will ignite,
each an embryo shaped like a star.
"
"caliginosity: darkness; the twilight
that's seen through a nine p.m. skylight;
a terror, i find,
as i slowly go blind;
in a rembrandt, however, a highlight.
"
"end of day portrays death euphemistically:
no cadavers are seen realistically.
since the artist, instead,
hints of things that are dead,
he is speaking conceptualistically.
"
"the creation of adam is viewed
as the birth of the very first dude,
in a biblical sense.
this one blows the pretense
that just women in art can be nude.
"
"baby snooks had a voice that was cloying,
fake-childish, and highly annoying.
in the '40s, however,
folks all found her clever;
her shows they were always enjoying.
"
"an anomalous reading was seen
on the heartbeat recording machine.
my ""bum-bum"" had become
""bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum.""
those were limericks they saw on the screen!
"
"""subject a"" is a substance abuser:
a crackhead, a speed freak, a boozer.
though his chart says ""in need""
and ""at risk,"" it's agreed
it boils down to ""this guy is a loser.""
"
"""i was sent to the big show,"" said ben,
""for three months just last season, but then
all the major league bats
loved my curve ball, and that's
why i'm back in the minors again.""
"
"this fine film prompted such oohs and aahs
for the wonderful story it was.
lena's bubbles were banned,
there was dignity, and
the tornado was borrowed from ""oz.""
"
"claimed a dental hygienist named paul,
""halitosis? you have to recall
that it's never caused death,
so it's clear that bad breath
is much better than no breath at all.""
"
"""a word to the wise should suffice,""
""shop for value and not just for price,""
""have attainable goals,""
and ""do not feed the trolls""
are examples of damn good advice.
"
"in the can there's a car thief named mel.
he resides in the crossbar hotel.
in club fed, he's a thug
behind bars, in the jug.
he's in ginger and rusty as well.
"
"i'm a decadent bastard, they say.
""self-indulgence and moral decay
are his life. he's no good!""
would i change if i could?
and sing hymns in the choir? no way!
"
"the mafia seldom says ""please""
when the cash in your pocket they seize.
they'll suggest (if you owe
them a bundle of dough):
""cough it up, or we're breaking your knees!""
"
"they were nude as they passed through the door
to a room with a ""special"" decor.
though it's doubted by some,
da da dum, da da dum.
(a deletion's been made of line 4.)
"
"not just beautiful?talented too!
tyra banks won an emmy. (who knew?)
first a star of the runway,
she's shown more than one way
she has to impress me and you.
"
"tobacco's a killer, i say.
lisshen! don't ever smoke?shtay away!
i'm a drunken old sot,
an' my breathin' is shot,
'cause i was, in my youth, led ashtray.
"
"claims a physicist, angus macduff,
""h2o is concrescible stuff.
from a liquid it may
change to solid, i say,
if you just get it chilly enough!""
"
"i'm just five and it's well understood
i'd eat cookies all day if i could.
mommy says she will bake
me a big chocolate cake.
just deserts will be mine if i'm good.
"
"""i am looking for love at first sight
with a blonde who has teeth dazzling white,
and is scantily clad.""
for my personal ad,
this description sounds just about right.
"
"has the mailman been bedding my mae?
without proof, it's not easy to say.
though i trust her, by god,
i consider it odd
we get seven deliveries a day.
"
"on the deck of a cruise ship there's fun,
and the view can be second to none.
but below there are decks
more conducive to sex,
and lots more not requiring sun.
"
"as a non-catholic male, just for fun,
i imagine my life as a nun.
but what odds might there be
'gainst this happening? gee,
i would guess a decillion to one.
"
"there's a phrase from the latin that we
often shorten to just a.u.c.
it's a date that you say
when you want to convey
""count from 7-5-3 b.c.e.""
"
"on may 3rd, 1975,
i was one of just three to survive
an explosion. i say
every year on that day:
""i was blinded but, hell, i'm alive!""
"
"the recipe said, ""to your lamb
add a dg of salt."" my head swam!
i salted it freely.
(i should have checked, really.
turns out it's a tenth of a gram.)
"
"the decriminalization of pot
is a topic that's constantly hot.
why jail people like me?
let the potheads go free!
we're too numerous, like it or not.
"
"paying child support isn't that bad,
and the court says you must, i might add.
but refuse and then shame
will be linked to your name.
you'll have no one to blame, deadbeat dad.
"
"how's our first week of marriage? exciting!
we're growing together, uniting.
into union we go.
separation? hell, no!
we're concrescive?no fussing or fighting.
"
"delimit, to literate guys,
means to set, mark out, draw, or devise
something's boundaries clearly,
but to dummies it's merely
a word that would follow de-sky's.
"
"absorbition is what they would say
for absorption way back in the day.
sometimes words are like clothes:
though they're old, heaven knows,
seems we never will throw them away.
"
"i would like to dispel some confusion:
a curveball is not an illusion.
if you study its swerve,
you will see it does curve,
and not reach any other conclusion.
"
"""when in public,"" says jason mcmullers,
""while you're free to choose hairstyles and colors,
use no bakery fare
when you're styling your hair.
don't go out with your hair up in crullers.""
"
"throwin' bbs, our pitcher's got heat!
there's no way that this guy's gettin' beat.
their batters are whiny:
""the ball looks so tiny!""
six innings, twelve k's?quite a feat!
"
"she'd been kidnapped. though sorely afraid,
for delivery she fervently prayed:
""in my moment of need,
let me somehow be freed.
please, dear lucifer, come to my aid!""
"
"cap'n crunch is a corn and oat cereal.
its quaker oats staff managerial
says, ""buy it! it's sweet!""
but the sugar kids eat?
not to worry! that's judged immaterial.
"
"""funny jokes are not all that's required,""
said the boss to the comic he hired.
""it is how they are told
that will knock 'em out cold.
your delivery sucks, so you're fired!""
"
"the delivery? naw, nuthin' to it!
all the drugs that i took helped me do it.
giving birth? says my wife:
""toughest job of my life!""
but to tell you the truth, i slept through it.
"
"a theatrical woman named gwen
threw me out of her condo and then,
in a verbal attack,
told me not to come back:
""never darken my doorstep again!""
"
"said joe friday, ""we just want the facts.
both your lovers had knives in their backs?""
she replied, ""yes, serrated
(with saw teeth created),
and cerated (coated in wax).""
"
"the grocer was proud to unveil
a big sign that read ""apple's for sale.""
""that apostrophe's wrong!
what's the outcome? so long,
i'll shop elsewhere for apples!"" i wail.
"
"at this crazy-assed club, the king tut,
i drank yoo-hoos and scotch with some slut
for six hours, they say,
then woke up the next day
with this big-ass tattoo on my butt.
"
"dead-man's float?that's what keeps you alive
(so they teach it to kids under five)
should the boat you're in sink
and you're dumped in the drink.
with this simple technique, you'll survive.
"
"in the '70s, sadly it's true,
danny danced like a club-footed gnu.
though he's happy today,
looking back who's to say
where he'd be could he just boogaloo?
"
"years and years ago, me and my chums
went to ebbets with horns and with drums
just to cheer on our team
with devotion supreme.
that was brooklyn, and they were ""dem bums""!
"
"a bacillophobe takes a firm stance on
your advances: ""i can't take a chance on
safe sex. i might dare
if two condoms you'd wear,
and then, just to be sure, kept your pants on.""
"
"on a turkey, i favor derk meat.
i like derk chocolate much more than sweet.
as jeff chaucer might say
of this d-e-r-k:
""it means 'dark,' but the word's obsolete.""
"
"what's a dentiscalp? could it be where
some wild indian chews off your hair?
no, it's used to scrape teeth,
said my dentist friend, keith,
just last week as i sat in his chair.
"
"i learned a new word just today
that i'd like to define if i may.
it's degarnish: ""make bare,
in your home, each room there,""
not ""to take all the parsley away.""
"
"with a knife at my throat, someone said:
""don't be stupid?just gimme your bread!""
had he carried a gun,
that's just what i'd have done,
but i laughed at his bread knife instead.
"
"""are you sure that this thing is a bedpan?
i have used it all day as a bread pan!
'this fresh bread really rocks!'
said the greek god of flocks
when he ate some,"" said tom, in full deadpan.
"
"gee, this letter is really a mess
with ""the bank"" as its only address.
and who sent it? don't know.
so then where should it go?
to the dead-letter office, i guess.
"
"the dead load of a bridge is the weight
that the bridge, by itself, will create.
steel and concrete ain't air?
builders have to take care.
too much weight is a negative trait.
"
"if you want to date someone like me,
your new car must be something to see.
you must have a fine residence
and lots of dead presidents
to spend. you don't get me for free!
"
"my sweet wife of ten years called to say,
""from my vows i've decided to stray.
i've a girlfriend michelle.
she's our pool boy miguel.""
she sure threw me a curve ball that day!
"
"j. p. richardson's hit was a whopper,
so he toured to promote his chart-topper.
waylon jennings was beat,
yet he gave up his seat
on the plane crash that killed the big bopper.
"
"i took tootsie latush to a bar
though she's dead. no, that isn't bizarre.
i just left her outside
by the curb with great pride.
you see, tootsie's the name of my car.
"
"in a lowercase d, as in debtor,
the ascender's that part of the letter
that's taller, by far,
than the e, o, or r.
there! i hope now you're grasping this better.
"
"my eye's hanging down from its socket.
my plan? just keep mum. hey, don't knock it!
dan was hurt on the job
and they fired the slob!
(the syndrome is called bloody pocket.)
"
"my seduction had barely begun
when the ice on the river (undone
by the spring thaw that day)
washed my lover away?
a debacle in more ways than one.
"
"father robert is raising a flap
as an overly straightforward chap.
one sermon was voted
the least sugar-coated:
""the meek shall inherit the crap.""
"
"jim backus, as everyone knew,
starred with ""lovey"" and gilligan, too.
yet 'toon fans rejoice
since he also gave voice
to the nearsighted mister magoo.
"
"my wife says, ""you have to admit
lucille ball was the star of each skit.""
i don't care what she says,
i say desi arnaz
was what made i love lucy a hit.
"
"dejection hits every group.
it's that state where your feelings will droop.
disappointed, you feel
life is far from ideal.
if not that, it's a word meaning ""poop.""
"
"she sang ""hell is for children."" (it's true!)
and then ""love is a battlefield"" too.
if you asked patti mae
andrzejewski, she'd say,
""it's 'pat benatar,' these days, to you.""
"
"every witness involved was reliable.
that this moron cut in's undeniable.
said the judge, ""those in line
may receive a small fine,
but the homicide's ruled justifiable.""
"
"behind enemy lines we had crept
to cat-foot 'round foes as they slept.
we were seized in their den
quite ironically when
on the tail of a cat someone stepped.
"
"aunt dahlia intends to play dirty:
""go sneer at a cow creamer, bertie!""
sound advice he receives
from his manservant jeeves,
about women both pie-eyed and flirty.
"
"american gothic is good.
it's a painting by mr. grant wood.
in the fourground it has
two old farmer types as
out in front of their farmhouse they stood.
"
"i was fishing sans license one day
when the sheriff said, ""boy, you will pay!""
with his powers confiscatory
all my gear piscatory
quickly was taken away.
"
"""before you know it, the kids have all grown""
is a fact i have seen on my own.
while they're young, you must treasure
each hug without measure.
too soon from your arms they'll have flown.
"
"there's a bullfighter, buttercup brown,
who you never will see with a frown
since his smile's made of paint.
a bull-killer, he ain't.
what's the deal? he's a rodeo clown.
"
"i told friends (who had called to invite us
to dine) that my wife had colpitis.
this she'd told me to say
in that very same way,
and not use the more known vaginitis.
"
"there's a frustrated dog-owner, doug,
who confesses to me with a shrug,
""canine acne? you bet.
i can tell 'cause my pet,
for relief, rubs his face on the rug.""
"
"though it sounds like an insult to him:
""you look best when the lights are all dim,""
it's just day blindness. she
is not like you or me,
so their chances together look grim.
"
"there's a put-upon youngster named glen,
overworked (so he says) 'cause he's ten:
""'clean your room!' mom will say.
i wake up every day
and it's back to the salt mines again!""
"
"recite cat in the hat? yes, i could!
but then i, way back when, understood
that ...comes back wasn't great.
i had learned at age eight
that the sequel is never as good.
"
"am i crinated? well, yes and no.
on my noggin, there's not much to show,
yet there's clearly no lack
of dark hair on my back
(not to mention that spot ""down below"").
"
"i'm a cabbie. last night in my hack,
three consecutive fares back to back
to back: john mccain,
king juan carlos of spain,
and some seven-foot giant named shaq.
"
"from a lifetime as foole, he rebels:
""i don't want to be funny!"" he yells.
""he's a jester,"" said pat,
as she noticed his hat.
""you can tell by the ol' cap and bells.""
"
"with natural (no fan) convection,
heat moves in an upward direction.
but convection that's forced
by a fan's here endorsed:
aim the heat at your feet. (ah, perfection!)
"
"when that bastard molested my son,
i came after his ass with a gun.
now the eyes of that jerk
and his kneecaps that work
are the same puny number: just one.
"
"your ethics are old and they're tired.
call off statutes no longer required!
let's adopt a new stance?
maybe: ""give piece a chance.""
tell all vice squads tomorrow they're fired!
"
"as a stud, he was judged ""not so hot.""
of the basics, he didn't know squat.
he had lousy technique
and his foreplay was weak.
""a for effort"" was all that he got.
"
"he's the strongest hand-shaker there is,
and at breaking your bones he's a wiz.
with the force he applies,
he'll bring tears to your eyes
as he crushes your hand within his.
"
"with our leaders effectively hushed,
or to prison camps secretly rushed,
revolution must wait
till some far future date.
we've been wholly and thoroughly crushed.
"
"""dad, my wife's with her mom back in dover
since she found that i'm somewhat a rover.
i don't know what to do.
can you give me a clue?""
""give her time, son. it all will blow over.""
"
"the cuckoo by sunshine is stirred.
he's a shy long-tailed loner, i've heard.
let us not discuss heckle
or, equally, jeckle.
they're magpies, a whole different bird.
"
"i've got cage biter syndrome, it's true,
from the bars that i constantly chew.
since the day i was shipped,
all my teeth have been chipped,
yet a day or two more and i'm through!
"
"it was back when tv had its start:
""put me down, you decrepit old fart!""
in those books that i've read
it is just as you've said:
kids sure do say the darndest things, art.
"
"my location right then? in hot water?
a lamb to be led to the slaughter.
i had caught it, it's true,
in the neck, but who knew
that this chick was some senator's daughter?
"
"if you're visiting mars, all agree
transportation of foodstuffs is key.
don't forget to take air;
with no oxygen there,
a dead planet is all you will see.
"
"""for a concert hall,"" everyone said,
""the acoustics are markedly dead.
there's no resonance here.
it's more suited, it's clear,
as a funeral parlor instead.""
"
"are you lacking in job satisfaction?
does your boss drive your crew to distraction?
it's your fault, nothing more, matt.
you act like a doormat.
don't sit there and take it. take action!
"
"""the ceratops,"" malcolm insisted,
""was real!"" then its features he listed:
""with a parrot-like beak,
and a monstrous physique...""
(but we're not really sure it existed.)
"
"i'm the ""after"" and you're the ""before"" nail
in this ad. who's the star, then? not your nail!
pull your punches just right
in our ""fingernail fight""?
if mine breaks, you'll be dead as a doornail!
"
"that's no view of the future you're seeing
in the entrails of some human being.
using anthropomancy
is, shall we say, chancy.
i predict the police you'll be fleeing.
"
"""they are burying great-uncle ted,
and we're lost,"" to some local we said.
""it's directions we need.""
he advised us, ""proceed
just some 200 yards, dead ahead.""
"
"first abrasion, where skin's scraped or worn.
then there's puncture, from ice pick or thorn.
next, avulsion?a shock!
and incision. (thanks, doc!)
then laceration, a wound badly torn.
"
"i was waltzing with maggie o'flynn
when this jerk whispers, ""may i cut in?""
custom dictates i say,
""please, sir. take her away!""
but she socked the guy square on the chin.
"
"said the judge, ""abannation from france!""
thus deporting my friends lance and vance.
they were banished in may
and then vanished, folks say:
lovers banned from the land of romance.
"
"abandonee? yeah, that's me. i feel great!
i'm now owner of twelve tons of freight
that the court says is mine
since some ignorant swine
went and left it all right at my gate.
"
"if cross cousin should cease to exist
as a term, it would never be missed.
it does not mean the son
or the daughter of one
of your uncles or aunts, and who's pissed.
"
"ciliectomy?that's an endeavor
where a part of your eye they will sever
and remove, but don't fear.
if you get one, it's clear
you'll be left just as silly as ever.
"
"due to space, let me make this succinct:
this cute dog to a novel is linked.
though the breed is quite old,
there are few now, i'm told,
and they soon may go wholly extinct.
"
"my lawyer, enrico valenti,
made it clear i had problems a-plenty.
""catch you later,"" i sighed
as he left. he replied,
""if you're lucky, in fifteen-to-twenty!""
"
"danny nutt's picked off first?how demeaning!
in the dugout, a trial is convening.
says the manager, ""nutt,
was your head up your butt?!""
dan says, ""sorry, i just got caught leaning.""
"
"it's a cage ball. it stands six feet tall,
and it's used in a supervised brawl.
teams of kids push and shove it,
their schoolteachers love it,
but, oddly, there's no cage at all.
"
"i was nursing my scotch on the rocks
when this babe saunters up?a real fox.
face and figure? sublime!
she sits down and says, ""i'm
boanthropic. i think i'm an ox.""
"
"the tin woodsman each morning would wake up,
plan his day, then his ax he would take up.
his heart, i've been told,
was the purest of gold:
bimetallic describes this man's make-up.
"
"with a monarchy, surely it's true:
to one person your loyalty's due.
but then there's a biarchy
(likewise a diarchy),
where the people on thrones number two.
"
"biarticulate, brian was busted.
seems his dealer was not to be trusted.
still, there's good news to tell:
he gets high in his cell,
so to prison life, brian's adjusted.
"
"""decennial sex is my right,
says my wife!"" eddie beamed with delight.
""each ten years, only once?
why so happy, you dunce?""
he responded, ""tonight is the night!!""
"
"""dear ram?n: you are fat and possessive,
with intelligence far from impressive!
as a lover, you stink,
so we're through!"" (do you think
this dear john letter's somewhat excessive?)
"
"animalcula?  i do permit them
to stay in my home.  i admit them
as pets.  it's no crock ?
parameciums rock!
but i can't find nice collars to fit them.
"
"our affaire d'honneur proved i was blessed on
the morning i'd carefully dressed on.
only one came away
from our meeting that day,
since my foe had no bulletproof vest on.
"
"""my blind date, is she hot?"" ""well, not quite,
but she's babish,"" they told me, contrite.
it was true. at the dance,
penny peed in her pants,
and revealed that she can't read or write.
"
"""to impair"" or ""to injure,"" i find,
in one word were, years past, intertwined
as apair. understand?
this does not name a hand
that is beaten by three of a kind.
"
"in this world, every woman was dominant.
in each government, women were prominent.
if just men call the shots
in your mindset, then lots
of these ladies would sure put a bomb in it.
"
"in a parallel universe, i
saw the weaker sex learn how to fly
world war one curtis biplanes
and fierce fokker triplanes
as catfights congested the sky.
"
"though her gravesite is plain, unadorned,
to remain far away i've been warned.
yes, i killed her that day.
still, her spirit will stay
deep within me, forever bemourned.
"
"""why don't women stay home,"" said this clerk,
""raising kids while the men go to work?
equal pay with a man
is a joke! we should ban?""
at this point i cut in, ""you're a jerk!""
"
"""i've named it 'the fonzie',"" said faye,
its inventor. ""this new lingerie
of black leather has ways
to promote happy days.
guys will see you and say, ""busti-aaaaaaaay!""
"
"it was albacore tuna, i'd say,
that has made me what i am today.
back at school, every lunch,
it's this ""brain food"" i'd munch.
all the others ate pb&j.
"
"""god must hate me,"" claims paul ""luckless"" brown.
""first the hurricane blew into town.
i had boarded up all
of my windows,"" sighed paul.
""two days later, the whole place burnt down.""
"
"our old home where, as children, we played
is a boarding house now, i'm afraid.
strangers come and they stay
(room and board, night and day),
and for this the new owner gets paid.
"
"""is that child in room 7 still here?
he's been 'boarding' for almost a year!""
""yes, the toddler has aids.
hope for placing him fades
since no foster home wants him, i fear.""
"
"i consider the boar effect big.
of course, i would say that. i'm a pig!
first they show me some swine,
young and female?all mine?
and then puberty starts. what a gig!
"
"after twenty-two weeks, it was said
every pilot had scored (or was dead).
but rebecca was seen
to have calves that were clean.
her frustration would make her see red.
"
"meanwhile becky, in flight after flight,
flew quite capably, daytime or night.
""i have got what it takes.
i make zero mistakes.""
yet her first kill was nowhere in sight.
"
"one day orders came down: phnom penh?
""hit their airfields again and again.""
with the planes thick as flies
in cambodian skies,
patty registered kills three through ten.
"
"becky mused, ""do i have the vagina
to kill? will my actions define a
'can do' combat flyer?""
first up, pat caught fire:
two kills over french indo-china!
"
"if the skies over asia they'd master,
they'd have to fly higher and faster.
each would strictly maintain
every inch of her plane,
knowing carelessness leads to disaster.
"
"their place in the vast battle plan
was an air base near honshu, japan.
""can do! let's get to it!
if others can't do it,
then big wheel and tits of steel can!!""
"
"although women might keep men as pets,
as cadettes some were staunch suffragettes.
""do you think that a guy
could be taught how to fly?""
""are you crazy? you'd let in cadets?""
"
"before flight school, mcneil did dry walling
and brightly worked furniture hauling,
but in uniforms green
secure futures were seen.
each was certain she'd found her true calling.
"
"rebecca (the captain) and patty
went to flight school in west cincinnati.
they'd been called forth to serve
with the army reserve
in the clouds and the rat-a-tat-tatti.
"
"lieutenant patricia mcneil
was known to her friends as ""big wheel.""
her best bud, captain brightly,
outranked her just slightly,
and went by the name ""tits of steel.""
"
"i'm a bastard named limeraiku.
my dad's say: ""prose ok.""?what to do
when my unwed mom whines,
""it's not hard. rhyme five lines!""?
yes, i'm vile. look away! you looked! boo!
"
"with each haircut i get, i will hear
this dumb riddle my barber holds dear.
quite succinctly composed:
""when we're open, we're closed!""
then he laughs and near cuts off an ear.
"
"i'm an outcast! that's just what i am.
every strolin, from granddad and gram
down to nephews and nieces?
their slurping increases,
but i can't eat a cherrystone clam!
"
"""barlafumble!"" he cried.  he was beaten
in this war that he chose to compete in.
sure, he'd not call ""time out!""
if the war was a rout
and his enemy's lunch he was eatin'.
"
"up in newfoundland, cocky means ""go
cross a bay jumping floe after floe.""
yet in sydney, this word's
for those white-crested birds?
the most versatile word that i know!
"
"aeronausiphobia, paul,
is a horror! the aircraft, last fall,
that i flew to dubuque in
had bags made to puke in,
all much too regrettably small.
"
"an arabian cowrie's a shell
from the beach, and it's shiny as hell.
this is odd, you might say,
since one letter away
is arabian cowpie as well.
"
"with acephaline, donna is critical:
""it refers to a bug non-political.
it's both non-transcendental
and non-compartmental,
and, invertebrates find, parasitical.""
"
"the capuchin that's labeled white-fronted
by birds of great size may be hunted.
monkey leaders say, ""let's
never smoke cigarettes,""
so their growth, in this way, isn't stunted.
"
"if you're using the sweetener ace-k,
from your diet you're not gonna stray.
you can use it in place
of plain sugar.  a trace
is 200 times sweeter, they say.
"
"when her daughter came, life was ideal
for our heroine ""big wheel"" mcneil.
as a catholic, devout,
there was not any doubt:
she baptized the girl ""tits of steel.""
"
"after coming back home once again,
patty rested, got married, and then
came the capper: ""the wright school,""
an avant-garde flight school,
made famous for taking in men.
"
"her commander begged all personnel
of her caliber, ""don't say farewell
to your army career!""
but depression, severe,
made retention a very hard sell.
"
"""call to quarters! bring everyone in!
we have just received word from berlin
of the armistice signed!""
every gal lost her mind,
'cept for one who had just lost her twin.
"
"it was foolish for becky to mask it:
her plane had a rattling gasket.
it was later revealed
that she crashed in a field,
and they sent her back home in a casket.
"
"""with our northern foe out of the way,
this tuesday's declared vc-day!
now canada's beaten,""
said president keaton,
""world peace can't be too far away!""
"
"patty's kill rate went well off the charts.
becky mastered the aerial arts.
their wounds during flight
called for notice, all right,
and they both were awarded pink hearts.
"
"camp followers always were glad
to indulge a gal's wish to be bad.
if you wanted some nut,
they were easy men, but
not the kind you'd take home to meet dad.
"
"""when the enemy's up i've attacked them,
but on too many missions i've lacked them.
make me fiery red,
a bright carmine,"" she said,
""and i bet my left tube i'll attract them!""
"
"seeing red! that's the answer! she knew
her next move. she assembled her crew
and said, ""camouflage paint
on my plane means i ain't
all that visible. here's what we'll do....""
"
"at my trial, they made much of the fact
that i'd clearly been caught in the act.
thirty witnesses came
to point fingers of blame
and describe how the girl was attacked.
"
"superficially, clearly you see
don's a doll to the greatest degree.
plumb his depths and you'll find
he is gentle and kind,
till, deep down, he's a real s.o.b.
"
"every dui death? i abhor it!
might the alcolock work? let's explore it:
if you drink like a jerk,
your ignition won't work.
it's big brother, perhaps, yet i'm for it.
"
"""confliction of terms,"" i am told,
is the name of the sale they will hold.
falling prices?the reason?
this fruit's out of season.
a deal, since these currants are old.
"
"william's ""at 'em ball"" worked all day long,
though his arm's not especially strong.
here's the rundown on bill:
""long on luck?short on skill.""
""we don't care!"" say the worshiping throng.
"
"at age 90, i say i'm alive
and kicking. the docs say i thrive
on a life filled with action.
you want satisfaction?
then live! don't just merely survive.
"
"playing poker, ""full house!"" i had said.
""what a pity. four aces,"" said fred.
i gave him a scolding:
""you nitwit! you're holding
six cards in your hand, so it's dead!""
"
"a person of color named matt
thought the term colored person old hat.
when he heard that phrase used,
he'd pretend: ""i'm confused.
please, precisely what color was that?""
"
"cap and gown: they're the symbols of college,
when you graduate packed full of knowledge.
i wore mine at st. claire
at an acting school where
i had majored in robert duvallage.
"
"with a mole on his foot, a young dancer
sought help: ""doc, i'm seeking an answer.
will this hurt my career?""
""yes,"" the doc said, ""i fear
it will cancerate (turn into cancer).""
"
"bimillenniums come and they go
every eight thousand seasons or so.
that's sixty-three billion
and seventy-two million
full seconds in all, doncha know.
"
"cendrillon, like ella or stella,
is a name for a girl, not a fella.
it's an opera as well,
quite the hit, i've heard tell,
better known by the name cinderella.
"
"a babushka doll! what lies inside?
a babushka doll! crafted with pride,
more babushka dolls still
are discovered until
with a family of dolls you're supplied.
"
"all the rumors about her were bad,
like she slept with her brother and dad.
still, she ended her life
as a dutiful wife,
and the mother of eight, i might add.
"
"as a natural lefty, lamar
only wrote with his right. how bizarre!
someone trained him that way.
all his life they would say,
""dextrosinistral?that's what you are.""
"
"in the photos of gals with no vests,
there's a word printed over their chests.
tell the editor, ""hey,
take those 'censored's away!
they are blocking my view of their breasts.""
"
"""there's a dog called the chinese shar-pei
that might hold the world's record, they say,
for most wrinkles,"" said dinah.
""all the botox in china
wouldn't make those ravines go away.""
"
"grandma nasty was totally sure:
""every child needs a spanking du jour!""
i once crayoned a scrawl
on her living room wall.
she was clearly no art connoisseur.
"
"she's a censual woman, it's true.
on a date, what she'd most like to do
is to go door to door
asking questions galore:
""what's your name? are there children? who's who?""
"
"though i should have my pinto restored,
i am posting, instead, a reward:
help me put in the slammer
the jerk with a hammer
who bashed my now banged-up old ford.
"
"in a tantrum, young thomas was steaming:
""though my little league coach says i'm dreaming,
i will hit, don't you fear,
sixty homers a year!""
tom said babishly, kicking and screaming.
"
"lissen, ossifer, i'm not dead drunk!
only had sixteen cocktails, you punk!
an' snot even the booze
makes me look all confuse?
itza ten pounds a dope inna trunk.
"
"i'm the subject of massive publicity
since my stove uses just electricity
that comes from my brain.
with this power arcane,
who needs gas when you've got cerebricity?
"
"there were brains all about the abode.
this cerebric material showed
that the victim was not
simply bludgeoned or shot?
something caused this guy's head to explode!
"
"your chance for success? i'd say none.
with the odds past a million to one
(that's against you), it's frightening.
go try to catch lightning
in a bottle?it just can't be done!
"
"you insist that you speak with the dead?
and my aura's a luminous red?
you were sitting bull's wife
in a previous life?
aw, baloney! it's all in your head.
"
"they're called beer goggles, glasses you wear
(though there aren't really spectacles there)
when you've too much to drink
which then leads you to think
roseanne barr's a dead ringer for cher.
"
"in scrabble, the wisdom prevailing
is dishonesty's always a failing.
using sinister wiles,
do not feel for blank tiles
when you pick them. they'll call you for brailling.
"
"ancient playgoers marveled in wonder
at the spell that the stage put them under.
for a dark stormy night,
a ceraunoscope might
have been used. it would simulate thunder.
"
"horned dinosaurs traveled the road
to extinction, their fossils have showed.
ceratopsia: brutes
eating grasses and fruits,
and though starting out small, they jes growed.
"
"""come to taco me, emily, chum?""
""taco em"" came to: ""coat me in rum!""
""why coat em?"" tom ace thought.
""when to mace her i ought.""
""you're a comet?you had me at 'come'!""
"
"he was fat, in his fifties, and bald,
which is why all the town was appalled
when he married doreen,
who was all of sixteen.
cradle robber is what he was called.
"
"to an actress, her agent was speaking:
""with talent, you're totally reeking!
change your name to bette nwar
and i'm sure you'll go far!""
(better management now she is seeking.)
"
"you're the worst of all old-fashioned men!
now is now, damn it all, then was then.
that small word's obsolete.
please don't make me repeat;
i have told you agen and agen.
"
"adenographic, a nurse understands,
means ""pertaining, in some way, to glands.""
that is it. i am through.
i don't know about you,
but for me, i'll now sit on my hands.
"
"things i laugh at do not tickle you
since we're quite different people, we two.
i sleep late. you're up early.
i'm moe and you're curly.
as the french say, ""chacun ? son go?t.""
"
"""an accessory breast? like a purse?""
""no, when women have triplets to nurse,
this additional breast
might be found on her chest,
on her back, or perhaps somewhere worse.""
"
"when's a limerick the best of the best?
when each syllable's perfectly stressed,
and the rhymes are precise,
and the message is nice,
and it features a wise-cracking breast.
"
"if you're off to big sur, get there early
when the fog on the coastline is pearly.
but beware of a bear
that's ill-tempered out there.
californians have named him ""big surly.""
"
"the girlfriend of tommy the swami
had been kidnapped by albert, a commie.
""your very best gal
i will murder!"" hissed al,
and then tommy cried out, ""no! not mommy!!""
"
"allochroous leaves in the fall,
changing colors, can't help but enthrall.
first they're green, then they're red
or they're yellow instead?
a display that's admired by all.
"
"""a cheap, showy trinket"" is one
definition for chachka. much fun
can be had with part two:
it's ""a mistress."" (who knew?)
give the first to the next and you're done.
"
"on my rug, once again, there's a stain.
that damn dog's been a bastard to train!
now he's here, how i wish
it was tropical fish
that i'd bought, not this bastard great dane.
"
"my lover conveyed this assignment:
to spring her ol' man from confinement.
when i crashed through a wall,
pop said, ""thanks,"" i recall,
but my front end's now out of alignment.
"
"dan two trees, the chief of the sioux,
was asked for his favorite hue.
he glanced, by and by,
at a pale patch of sky,
and then smiled as he said, ""baby blioux!""
"
"mark's loathing is deep, inelastic,
and burns with a fire fantastic.
what sparks his destrudo?
the boy band menudo.
""that act's superficially plastic!""
"
"""all my capital's dead!"" complained mel,
""stocks and bonds earning zip. what the hell?
i've some cash that i keep
'neath the bunk where i sleep,
and it's doing exactly as well.""
"
"they gave me the death sentence, mom,
since i murdered nineteen with a bomb.
then i shot melvin, ed,
betty, randolph, and fred,
and then strangled luigi and tom.
"
"the arms on the baltimore team
could be seen as, in one word, extreme.
this was '71,
when home teams were undone.
in their league, though, the o's were supreme.
"
"from my heart, with a tear in my eye,
i declared, ""if you drowned i would cry.
but the dedolent sea,
if it takes you from me,
will not care if you live or you die.""
"
"first the pilot arrived high on hash,
then the co-pilot said something rash.
no one fueled up the plane.
fog rolled in. it's this chain
of events that led up to the crash.
"
"allow me to make this admission:
although we've no lack of ambition,
you never will see
the complete a to z
of this work in a dead tree edition.
"
"cerebralgia's my illness. the plot?
it's my goal to be pitied a lot!
bring me flowers and say,
""you look better today!""
(though it's only a headache i've got.)
"
"idle chatter is such a delight!
we discussed brands of gum, vanna white,
what some teen idol said,
comfy shoes, mr. ed.
yes, we chaffered well into the night.
"
"cross a duck with an auk, get a dauk?
is it drool that results when you gawk?
no, this verb means to sail
and/or ride, like the mail.
if that's not to your liking, then walk!
"
"my doctor took time to explain
why i suffered severe headache pain.
""cerebritis is what
i'm afraid you have got:
inflammation,"" (my luck!) ""of the brain.""
"
"i hammered it back through the box,
knocking danny clean out of his socks.
dan's a pitcher and he
and the others agree
we don't flinch from line drives 'cause we're jocks!
"
"as a dart thrower, mark was my mentor.
he advised that before i could enter
a tournament, i
should give this trick a try:
in a blindfold, he still hit dead center.
"
"a dacryocystorhinostomy
is nonsense. it's all applesauce to me.
i would be one of those
crying tears out my nose?
if i skip it, it won't seem a loss to me.
"
"take two metals, say, silver and gold,
then make coins out of both and behold!
a new system arises
with no foul surprises
since values of both are controlled.
"
"it's a knob or protuberance left
by the pipe of a glass-blower deft.
since hand-blown, you would know it;
the bull's-eye would show it.
for nice pieces, guard against theft.
"
"a bull's-eye on shipboard?  it's handy
for connecting up rigging just dandy
at sea or in port.
it's also a sort
of extremely hard globular candy.
"
"a bull's-eye's a cloud, small and round
with a center that's ruddy.  it's found
to portend stormy weather
by sailors, together
with like-minded folks on the ground.
"
"a bull's-eye's a lantern, my friends,
with, on one side, a very thick lens
that will concentrate light.
now, for meanings tonight,
this is not where the list of them ends.
"
"a bull's-eye's a disk made of glass
in a roof through which sunlight may pass,
or aldebaran bright,
the bull's eye in the night.
is that possible?  you bet your ass!
"
"two long words share a strong similarity
since between them there's not much disparity.
first there's dextrousness. you
may see dexterousness too.
just ignore them. they both mean ""dexterity.""
"
"in pro baseball, each man has a spot
on the field where he plays a whole lot.
if a batter has smarts,
he will hit to the parts
called the alleys where fielders are not.
"
"since it's not often worn as before,
the derby is hard to ignore:
just a simple black hat,
round on top and that's that?
the sort laurel and hardy both wore.
"
"""i'm an ace cestodologist,"" rates
about nil when you're trolling for dates.
i am tellin' ya, buddy,
""it's flatworms i study,""
is a line to which no gal relates.
"
"private jarvis and staff sergeant brand
did what major minnelli had planned
based on orders marked ""hot!""
general riley had got
from his wife. that's the chain of command.
"
"though you claim that there is no dichotomy
when you ask, ""do my son's cerebrotomy,""
it's my steadfast belief
that a brain's not roast beef.
i'm a chef?you're sure asking a lotta me.
"
"acne jeans! (yeah, you heard right.) i'm guessing
i won't reach for these when i'm dressing.
they're of swedish design
and, in truth, they look fine,
but that name deserves prompt reassessing.
"
"the smoker, as always, was broke.
the used pipe that he bought made him choke.
his doctor, astounded,
quite sharply expounded:
""a cesspipe is not one you smoke!""
"
"uncle dan never uses his head.
'tween his left and right ears all is dead.
but do not call him ""dumb.""
that's offensive to some.
use ""cerebrally challenged"" instead.
"
"both great-grampa and baby excrete
into diapers. unsure on their feet,
both will daddle when walking,
speak gibberish talking?
young hotties call both of them ""sweet.""
"
"why is baby loretta so hyper?
a daboia is sharing her diaper!
""it's yellowish-brown
with black markings,"" i frown.
""it can kill (aka russell's viper)!""
"
":-) means ""smiling.""  you knew, i suppose.
:0) guy's happy despite his big nose.
but if you have a wife
who's the love of your life,
give her @?&gt;?&gt;?.  it's a single red rose.
"
"cerebropathy? let's make this plain:
you've an illness we can't yet explain
in your gray matter, sue.
please, whatever you do,
don't obsess?keep your mind off your brain.
"
"""there's a maniac loose in the city!""
cried the ""go-out-and-catch-him"" committee.
then some freak with an ax
stopped them dead in their tracks,
and the guy got away?what a pity!
"
"i have never worn headgear that's plain.
when i farmed, i wore hats made of grain.
i'm much smarter today,
so my hat has cachet:
it's cerebriform (shaped like a brain).
"
"as the ballyhoo artist reflected,
""it's hype that gets most things selected.
i get customers trying
the crap that they're buying,
and fools to high office elected.""
"
"add e n to some nouns and you'll reap
brand new verbs. it's a very short leap:
first with strength, you get strengthen,
and length turns to lengthen.
then there's depthen, which means ""make more deep.""
"
"every broadcaster needs to beware
of a problem that's known as dead air.
if you're silent too long,
folks will fear something's wrong
and may think that there's nobody there.
"
"delusions of grandeur? not i.
i've got talent in ample supply.
in me you'll discover
an excellent lover?
my god, i'm one hell of a guy!
"
"hard candies are tasty, and yet
they will balter whenever they're wet.
in a bowl or a dish,
keep them dry (they're not fish),
and they won't stick together, i bet.
"
"biennial: that means ""two seasons.""
and pulp from an orange? them's ""squeezin's.""
you say to me, ""shoot!
why you talkin' 'bout fruit?""
don't be nosy, boy. i got my reasons.
"
"alpine touring in switzerland? please!
do you think i've got superman's knees?
why'd you think i would like
such a strenuous hike,
up a mountain, in snow, and on skis?
"
"adenomatous tumor of mine,
i declare you're a cinch to define:
you start out in a gland,
but won't get out of hand
because (best of all traits) you're benign!
"
"fair consuela, from south venezuela,
knew a sailor who loved to regale 'er
with sea-farin' tales
about shipwrecks and whales.
(she was deaf, so he used a loud-hailer.)
"
"they say hip-hop is big with the young.
that's a group i'm no longer among.
i'm a fan of the kinks
and the turtles. methinks
this millennium's music is dung!
"
"there's a therapy dealing with dance
that some doctors will use to enhance
one's well-being, but i
will not give it a try.
are you kidding? not a cha-cha-cha-chance!
"
"deadpan comics, to me, are the best.
i can't tell you how much i'm impressed
when they joke all the while
without cracking a smile.
that's the way to deliver a jest!
"
"i had taken a question from dwight
(whose command of our language is slight).
""three a.m., i would say,
is the right time of day
for defining the term dead of night.""
"
"it was opening night. richard burton,
dead drunk as i raised up the curtain,
still astounded the crowd.
he had done shakespeare proud!
of this fact, every fan was dead certain.
"
"the mass murderer signed his confession:
""killing children is just my obsession""?
no remorseful goodbyes,
just a pair of dead eyes
absolutely devoid of expression.
"
"i'd been shot! though i'd dropped to my knees,
pam seemed dead to my panicky pleas:
""darling, quick! nine-one-one!""
then i noticed the gun
in her hand... (i crossed over with ease.)
"
"when selecting a pet, a rich yuppie
declared, ""i've no time for a puppy.
a cyprinodont might
fit my lifestyle all right,""
so he went out and purchased a guppy.
"
"in a desert, so hot that it hurt,
desert islands of men kept alert.
though it's duty they hate,
just deserts will await
any soldier who tries to desert.
"
"""would you like a nice cold one?"" asked sherri.
i was parched, so i answered, ""yes, very!""
though expecting a beer:
""have a popsicle, dear!""
(and if memory serves, mine was cherry.)
"
"in a move i was sure would impress her,
i gave coal to ""the nanny,"" fran drescher.
""it's a diamond (legit!)
in the form of a kit:
just add one million p.s.i. pressure.""
"
"""this coke is incredibly strong,
and i'll sell you a pound for a song.""
but i just turned away.
i could hear momma say,
""son, illegal drug chaffery's wrong!""
"
"the gold chain 'round the neck of celine
was the priciest choker i'd seen.
or so i had thought
till we went and got caught
in the rain. now her neck's ringed in green.
"
"she's declared ""but a child"" (though that's jive!)
and the judge wants to fry me alive.
still, not guilty's my plea
since my lover's i.d.
said this ""child"" had just turned twenty-five!
"
"""i will fix that guy's wagon but good!""
he meant me?i was dead where i stood!
when i heard that, aghast,
i departed but fast,
and would move to nepal if i could.
"
"you're supporting your ex? that's called alimony.
you and she never married? that's palimony.
she helped boost your morale,
but you jilted the gal?
any dough you shell out is called dallymony.
"
"biarticulate: joints number ""tow.""
check your webster's?that's what it'll show.
back in 1913
this small typo was seen.
should we copy it here? i'd say no.
"
"out of all of the things that can scare,
this one illness has got to be rare.
chaetophobia hits
people driven to fits
by the sight (i'm not joking) of hair!
"
"you always hear, ""cheese it, the cops!""
but that's where this idiom stops.
it's not ""cheese it, the tailors!""
or ""...butlers!"" or ""...sailors!""
or ""...clerks in the cheese-selling shops!""
"
"my friend stephanie just got an ""f""
on her english report. i said, ""steph,
geoffrey chaucer's a bore
who's not read any more.""
she said, ""lower your voice; i'm not deoff!""
"
"on the street, playing chicken's for fools?
""reckless youth"" and the like. and the rules?
drive head-on towards your foe.
do not swerve or go slow.
(i hear amish teens do it on mules.)
"
"jane asher bakes cakes that enthrall.
she's done tv and movies and all.
but for beatle fans, jane
will forever remain
just the woman who's ""not mrs. paul.""
"
"a hand that is cupped (half a sphere)
and then placed just behind someone's ear
is a signal to you
that you didn't get through:
""please repeat that. i couldn't quite hear.""
"
"you are floating and everything's black.
now let's open the door just a crack.
you're returning, unhurt,
all refreshed and alert.
on my count: three... two... one... welcome back!
"
"though we now buy these things from the store,
bread and milk were once brought to our door.
like so much from my past,
this was too good to last.
the deliveryman visits no more.
"
"the devirginate male said, ""that's great!
i'm deprived of my once-virgin state,
though it would have been greater
much sooner than later?
eighty years was a long time to wait!""
"
"he was famous from maine to miami
for a record that earned him a grammy.
not much later, les crane
said it drove him insane,
and to hear it would make him feel clammy.
"
"lincoln's money man, salmon p. chase,
put our first paper money in place.
he showed self-serving skills
in designing these bills:
what did quite a few have? chase's face!
"
"they called her ""concupiscible carol""
since she'd slept with lou, benjamin, darryl,
kenny, peter, jos?,
alexander, mike, jay,
and the jackson twins, harry and cheryl.
"
"an underline's useful, i think,
and a very good use of one's ink.
students have it to thank
for each fill-in-the-_____,
and then, likewise, whenever we link.
"
"a jet engine will certainly deave me.
if i'm standing too close it could leave me
unable to hear,
doing damage severe.
and loud music? the same, please believe me!
"
"cuban crocodiles, smallest of crocs,
though endangered, are smart as a fox.
they're quite beautiful, yet
they are not ones to pet,
since they'll eat you right down to your socks.
"
"you been talkin' 'bout superman's powers,
an' yer grandmother's favorite flowers,
an' how bush is a flake?
lordy, give it a break!
you been bumpin' yer gums for three hours!
"
"""you're a child of the universe and
all the trees and the stars think you're grand.""
ancient new-age baloney
turned out to be phony:
'twas penned by a modern-day hand.
"
"in my post office box in bayonne
was a letter that caused me to moan.
though i'd sent it last may,
now it's marked ""ank,""
which is short for attempted?not known.
"
"in the end we elected a schmuck,
due in part to a touch of bad luck.
the press made it plain
in dean's early campaign:
there are more ways to run than amok.
"
"just three feet from my ball to the pin!
now at last, fame and fortune begin!
when this tournament's done,
i will be number one!
if i can this last putt, i will win!
"
"my child was both noisy and cold,
so ""bemuffle your son,"" i was told.
she was only concerned
for his comfort, i learned:
""i don't care if the noise is controlled.""
"
"the film was cerebral and arty,
not made for the dope but the smarty.
it should have been called
albert einstein, enthralled,
not unsupervised teenager party.
"
"a repentant agnostic named lurch
felt his honor he'd have to besmirch.
he (right there on his deathbed,
with his very last breath) said:
""you got me?i'll go back to church!""
"
"there are stores and events. ""use your brains!
it's a riddle,"" my teacher explains.
mountains, evidence, plus
twenty cons on a bus.
what unites them? they all come in ______.
"
"""hey, you look like a cow from the far side!
and your bat shows you've got a bizarre side.
and your fielding? you stink!""
it's unsporting, i think.
he's a bench jockey, true, but for our side.
"
"her malign disposition is shown by
her scowl as the decades have flown by.
since she's frequently seen
as the crabbiness queen,
grandma nasty's the name she is known by.
"
"1800? this bird was alive
and in cuba continued to thrive.
not a century passed
till this bird breathed its last
when the species died out: '85.
"
"if your food is too coarse? no excuse!
if your pet is an ill-tempered goose,
they're both cagmags. should you
make line 1 from line 2,
you'll be charged with, no doubt, goose abuse.
"
"""this cosaque that i bought was a gyp!
when i pulled it, it only went riiiiiiiiip!""
""what you've got's a casaque,
so no money back, jack.
it's a blouse that's loose fitting, you dip!""
"
"cellar dwellers go nowhere, but fast.
by mid-season, they're always dead last.
every league has a team
with defeat as their theme,
and the way that they suck's unsurpassed.
"
"a doctor informed my friend mitch,
""you've contracted, young man, cuban itch.
you've got smallpox, but don't
look so worried. it won't
likely kill?you're in luck."" (yeah, that's rich!)
"
"i've been bagging for seventeen years.
now i'm 30 and still have no fears
about brain damage. me?
from the stuff i've inhaled?
i mean, do i look like one of those burnt-out losers?
"
"atoms set in a line like a string,
or perhaps in a minuscule ring,
either way, will enable
the use of one label:
a chain is the word for the thing.
"
"when it comes to the bat, i'm no scholar.
at the game today, fans heard me holler.
three strikeouts, then i
hit a catchable fly
and two force-outs?an 0-for-6 collar!
"
"her step was both barefoot and springy.
her outfit? decidedly zingy!
in saran wrap, no more:
""bob, i need you!!"" lenore,
like her wardrobe, quite sadly, was clingy.
"
"secretariat came to compete,
but was tied by an aging count fleet.
on a cold winter's day,
how ironic, they say,
that the finish should be a dead heat.
"
"director vincente minnelli,
stuffing angel hair into his belly,
said, ""what's this?""  i said, ""vinny,
it's pasta more skinny
than that which you call vermicelli.""
"
"though it's called ""candy corn,"" i'm suspicious
of this halloween treat.  it's delicious,
but as sure as you're born,
though the name contains corn,
i suspect that it's not that nutritious.
"
"box and cox is a term i recall
from a play that i saw in the fall.
""to take turns"" is the meaning
to which i am leaning.
what it sounds like? no, not that at all!
"
"cut to ribbons, my life is receding,
yet it strikes me that phrase is misleading.
when it's ribbons you've got,
whether few or a lot,
very rarely are all of them bleeding.
"
"said a crab-eating mongoose named pete,
""there's a crab-eating rat down the street.
there are crab-eating dogs
and then crab-eating frogs.
can you guess what we all like to eat?""
"
"a chartreuse cuban cockroach will get
a high score for ""unusual pet.""
keep a few, if you must,
but i'm wondering just
how you'll look when you go to the vet.
"
"i've not recently shaved. i'm barbigerous,
though you cannot yet say i'm cirrigerous.
chaetophorous now
is my face, i'll allow,
since it's clear that my cheeks are setigerous.
"
"angus aberdeen called me a coof.
i said, ""thank you,"" polite and aloof,
though i know better now.
why, that ignorant cow!
it means ""dolt,"" or ""a  lout,"" or ""a goof""!
"
"apaid has two meanings conveyed:
first there's ""pleased,"" as when smiles are displayed.
then there's ""paid."" in this way,
you could easily say:
""when my bills are apaid, i'm apaid!""
"
"i signed onto the net with an ""ack""
and a couple of friends acked me back.
then i asked, ""are you there?""
to a hacker named claire,
then ""ack! thbbpt!"" when she answered me, ""nak.""
"
"the finest apparel's my passion,
but orange is never in fashion.
and a jumpsuit? no way!
even after that day
when my chips i shall finally cash in.
"
"in the '50s, lord mancroft once said
that from bristol, no prisoner fled.
""if escapes make the news,
we don't say that. we use
dematerialization instead.""
"
"autofertilization's a term
for the joining of egg cell and sperm
from one animal. wow!
this is possible? how?
well, the first step: be born as a worm.
"
"i have dermatoglyphics unique.
they're the fingerprints cops often seek.
clearly dermatoglyphics
gets down to specifics
for the crime-fighting, clue-seeking geek.
"
"chapin's songwriting output presents
many highly uncommon events
that, in meaningful ways,
change forever the days
of quite commonplace ladies and gents.
"
"my son, still at home, 32,
was proposed to by sweet becky lou:
""leave your folks! get a job!
be a man, you big slob!
you've a life of your own to pursue.""
"
"""when you land, chock the wheels,"" yelled mcbane,
""to ensure that your plane will remain.
skip this step and i say
if your plane rolls away,
you'll have no frickin' right to complain.""
"
"in this corner: apollo mccain!
and what shows on his game face? no strain.
he flexes and stretches,
and glares at the wretches
who claim he's not fit to campaign.
"
"with his cancerophobia, it's clear
don suspects that his end may be near.
still, i just have to say,
the way life is today,
that it's not such an off-the-wall fear.
"
"his humor was vile and malicious
when he called ""alley apples"" nutritious.
he offered me one,
warm (he said) from the sun:
""take a bite. you will find it delicious!""
"
"not a candlelit dinner for one,
then, in bed, some companionless fun?
when i date myself, i
only mean to imply
i'm one elderly son-of-a-gun.
"
"""seven teenagers dead due to cheese!""
there's no humor in headlines like these.
cheese is heroin cut
with cold remedies, but
the result can drop kids to their knees.
"
"""make some cheesecake!"" my uncle bob begs.
""start with sweetened cream cheese, milk, and eggs,
and then sugar's a must,
in a cracker-crumb crust.
top with women displaying their legs!""
"
"the demasculinization of fred
was performed on the cheap, it's been said.
since insurance won't pay
to have stuff cut away,
we just call him ""consuela,"" instead.
"
"at the funeral of three-year-old claire,
father don said a humorous prayer.
though it's sad that she died,
we all laughed till we cried!
cheerer-uppers like this guy are rare.
"
"said the principal, ""girls, when you cheer on
our team, please have all of your gear on.
while we all love your cheers,
you must wear your brassieres
when it's monday night sports we appear on.""
"
"four to three with the other guys winning,
bill strikes out and their pitcher is grinning
because here is the thing:
bill did not even swing!
he's caught looking. ""strike three!"" that's the inning.
"
"i like ten-dollar words, i confess,
like dentalgia for ""oral distress.""
i'm not feeling all right,
but at least i sound bright.
(it means ""toothache,"" no more and no less.)
"
"to bemoil (letting shakespeare inspire),
means ""to soil or encumber with mire.""
bill suggests this might do
if you're taming a shrew,
and a mired-up shrew you require.
"
"put some greasy french fries on a plate.
top with cheese (mozzarella works great).
add ranch dressing and bacon.
it's cheese fries you're makin'.
(no wonder we're all overweight!)
"
"""fairy godmother, help me compete
with my step-sisters!"" ""listen, my sweet:
mix up water, cement,
sand, and cinders. assent
and we'll make up some cinder concrete.""
"
"roger chaffee?consumed in a fire
on the launchpad. no sacrifice higher
was made for apollo
so others could follow.
but first: redesign and rewire.
"
"then the hostess, extremely distraught,
said the cops to her house must be brought.
i was in a bad bind
with one thought on my mind:
""'tween a rock and a hard place i'm caught.""
"
"she was knocked on her ass in the yard.
i'd apparently caught her off guard.
she had not been expecting
that i'd be connecting
my fist with her jaw quite that hard.
"
"at a neighborhood party last spring,
i caught hell from my friends. here's the thing:
they declare it's my fault
i was booked for assault.
now my ass is, for sure, in a sling.
"
"i had flyers made up by a printer:
""apricity warms you in winter.
but like sunshine, it's true,
i can get you hot, too
give a call?let me know what you're inter.""
"
"""what is citicism?"" sir, i submit
it's the manners or mien of a cit
or a citizen. ""hey,
what does cit mean?"" you say?
let me look it up lickety-split.
"
"capacify, scholars agree,
means ""to quality."" how can that be?
for this odd definition,
i take the position
confusion was clearly a key.
"
"when i wanted to marry soph?a,
she was dead set against the idea.
so much so, on the day
i proposed, she turned gay,
changed her name, and ran off to korea.
"
"i was playing some foosball with fred
when play stopped, but the rules clearly said:
""if the ball's on the table
where nobody's able
to reach it, the ball's declared dead.""
"
"the treatment required was drastic,
but your canaloplasty's fantastic.
though your growths were severe,
let your fears disappear.
your new ear is all clear and part plastic.
"
"""slim and muscular, octogenarian,
non-smoking, divorced vegetarian
seeks marriage post-haste
with a woman who's chaste,
under 30, a nurse, and canarian.""
"
"back when cagney and lacey first aired,
men and women were hardly prepared
for a cop show where danger
(not ever a stranger)
by two gutsy females was shared.
"
"""i am sick of your cigarette butts
in the yard, you contemptible putz!
wash the car! comb your hair!
reupholster that chair!""
(lord, her cagmagging's driving me nuts!)
"
"the term cabover seems like a blunder.
with trucks it makes sense, but i wonder
why a camper's not called,
from the way it's installed
upon pick-ups and such, a cabunder.
"
"buying only one drink at each place
gets you soused at a leisurely pace.
you may start your bar crawl
the most sober of all
and yet finish it flat on your face.
"
"caducibranchiate? here is the truth:
though i'm getting quite long in the tooth,
i can still reminisce.
and what most do i miss?
it's the gills that i had in my youth.
"
"with fifty-two cards in a deck,
you might think that the deck is a wreck
if you're missing just one.
don't be wasteful, my son:
you've got fifty-one bookmarks, by heck!
"
"""though most students are real fuddy-duddies,
i've been coxing up here with my buddies,""
i wrote mom. she replied:
""private matters aside,
please, son, don't be neglecting your studies.""
"
"peter schickele's famous because
of recordings and concerts he does
as he works 'round the clock
pushing p.d.q. bach,
a great man who, in fact, never was.
"
"apple cobbler, i say, but this guy
from rhode island might call it cob pie.
there some locals assert
any deep-dish dessert
may be called by this name in r.i.
"
"who had surgery done? sue the stripper.
not a boob job, though?something much hipper.
""this here button,"" she'd say,
""in my belly's pass?,""
so she had hers replaced with a zipper.
"
"it's not true that commanders don't care.
it's a shame that those children were there,
but bombs fall, it is sad,
on the good with the bad.
as they say in paree, ""c'est la guerre.""
"
"""cut the cards,"" ""cut the deck""?they're the same.
to ensure no one cheats is your aim.
put the top on the bottom.
use chips if you've got 'em.
ante up; deal the cards; start the game.
"
"i explained to a sprinter named don
that it's tricky to pass the baton.
""your timing decision
needs dead-on precision.
be sure your precision's dead on.""
"
"h. b. stowe's anti-slavery novel
showed slaves as they lived, in a hovel.
uncle tom, the head slave,
urged the rest to behave:
""in the presence of master, you grovel.""
"
"first a person abnormally small;
or some guy who is child-like, though tall;
a small coin; or a boy
who's his mom's pride and joy?
these four listed are dandiprats all.
"
"so-called boston cream pie is a lie!
it is not what its name might imply.
if you'd care to partake,
be advised: it's a cake!
someone sly named it ""pie."" (don't know why.)
"
"my ex-wife thinks that voodoo's delightable,
and says, ""take me to trial; i'm invitable!""
she is thrilled?wants to show
evil spells she may know:
my excitable ex is hex citable.
"
"i quickly caught on things looked bad.
people thought me a miserable cad.
since no wallet was found
on that gal on the ground,
i perceived they all feared i'd gone mad.
"
"to be devilless? hell, that's my goal:
to live life satan-free, on the whole.
but this deviless, see,
says she's horny for me,
and she's totally hot, bless my soul!
"
"he's a nice enough person, no doubt,
who believes he is being devout.
but the constant hail marys,
and the cross that he carries?
i'm sorry; he just creeps me out.
"
"there's a cop, sergeant reston, who sees
his patrol work as really a breeze.
what's his plan of attack?
late at night, he's in back
of his cop cruiser, copping some z's.
"
"kindred items displayed to entice?
that's cross-selling, a clever device.
by my exes, i'm harried.
(i've been many times married!)
you want pistols? right there by the rice.
"
"""i've got belonephobia,"" said tony,
""and i swear that my fear isn't phony!""
this odd word, it appears,
means it's needles he fears.
it just looks like he's scared of baloney.
"
"with a change-up, the batter won't know
just exactly how fast it will go.
when it's pitched to you well,
it looks rapid as hell
when in fact it's amazingly slow.
"
"from the floor to one's hips to the floor
is a dead lift. with muscles galore
you're controlling the weight,
up and down, smooth and straight.
(just don't drop it?that screws up your score.)
"
"there's a bouncing machine that i own
where my bounceberries often are thrown
to determine the best.
they are tart, i'll attest,
but as cranberries much better known.
"
"on the floor, he's a motionless heap
with the knife in his back plunged in deep.
he had thought he could rob
minor sums from the mob.
his reward for the job? the big sleep.
"
"""go ankle it, babe. take a powder!""
she looked shocked. he repeated it, louder.
i'm a gink with a gun
and a nine-month-old son.
his first words, and i couldn't be prouder!
"
"why's capaciosly spelled with no u?
i suspect that a typo slipped through.
something's spacious inside?
to say ""roomily,"" i'd
use capaciously there. you would too!
"
"""let's define the word kitten,"" you say,
and i'm moved to reply: ""that's okay.
maybe one with large breasts,
and quite rabid."" sugges-
tions like this one you treat with dismay.
"
"celebriousness! yes, i'm eternal!
i'll light up the heavens nocturnal!
when you see how i fly
far above you so high,
you'll remember my name in your journal.
?
(remember! remember! remember! remember!)
"
"here's a joke that, i'm sorry, might sicken
some readers. (good luck if you're stricken.)
why did sid, the punk rocker,
cross roads? here's the shocker:
he was stapled, of course, to the chicken!
"
"u.s. beach jumpers, numbering few,
with the minds of the nazis would screw.
""fritz, their force is immense!!""
(it was all a pretense.)
who began it? you'd never guess who.
"
"now the martians have struck, goodness gracious!
their death rays are quite efficacious.
when they zapped my friend shawn,
all his moisture was gone!
what was left was just dry, cineraceous!
"
"""you're a drunk, and i cannot abide
these dead soldiers remaining inside!
in your empties you lie,
so attached to them! why?""
""i was there when each one of them died!""
"
"like the strings of a teeny bikini
are the strands of what's called capellini
(that's italian. compare
with the english: ""thin hair""),
so it's not just some skinny linguine.
"
"in bloom county, the characters sat
in a meadow. political chat
filled their days, but why read
berkeley's liberal screed?
i can say in three words: bill the cat.
"
"female citizen's an easier sell,
so to citizeness, let's bid farewell.
it's a hard word to say,
seldom spoken today,
and what's more it's outdated as hell.
"
"""i am on the ameche!"" called joan.
(gramma's lapses of mind were well known.)
""on the what?"" i exclaimed,
but her husband explained,
""that's just grandmother's word for the phone.""
"
"the effects of the novocaine spread
from my jaw to the back of my head.
dental pain i'll forgo;
it's a blessing, although
the whole side of my face has gone dead.
"
"""this is one of those well-meaning plays
that makes adequate use of clich?s.
of the tunes, some are bright,
and the dancing's alright.""
this review damns our show with faint praise.
"
"there's a pit in the yard one could fall in,
a threat now the baby is crawlin'.
but with shovel in hand,
mom will level the land.
""a day's work,"" she explains, ""it is all in.""
"
"you're a dendrochronologist? great!
you can help me resolve a debate.
if i saw down this tree,
could you check it to see
what the weather was like in '08?
"
"for a while, every spot on the dial
would show candidate clinton ""on trial.""
""i once tried to get high,
but inhale? no, not i!""
did he think we would buy this denial?
"
"that hotel you should really pass by.
we'd no ice or a/c in july.
on the beds?dirty sheets.
on the toilets?no seats!
so its calibre? not very high.
"
"who knows what maestro phelps of the choir meant
when he pushed for more mental bemirement:
""to succeed here, you klutz,
it may help to be nuts...
no. the truth? it's a basic requirement!""
"
"for this comment, i do beg your pardon:
your life is no walk in the garden.
cerebrosclerosis,
without being verbose, is
when both your brain's hemispheres harden.
"
"i enticed the bemuddled pam rice:
""i'll make sure that you pass, for a price.""
though each sum was correct,
when i went to collect,
her big bro kicked my horny ass twice!
"
"if you're small with long arms, you are gibbonlike.
you play bebop-style jazz? you're mckibbonlike.
if you hear every day:
""man, you're cestoid!"" i'd say
you're a tapeworm, and that means you're ribbonlike.
"
"kids deserve, if they study, good grades.
sometimes heroes deserve big parades.
but your ignorant crack
about gays is off track.
truly no one deserves to get aids.
"
"breasts are firm, lips are full, legs are long,
and they all can be bought for a song.
but the tune on her mind,
i'm discouraged to find,
is ""the wedding march."" (that just seems wrong!)
"
"says a teacher in south tallahassee,
""diacritical marks are so classy!
if they all went away,
with a word like pass?,
we would have to pronounce it as 'passy'.""
"
"dick is head of dick's dickies, a store
where you dicker for dickies and more.
(it would seem that this verse
should be smutty, or worse?
a potential i choose to ignore.)
"
"""i could dicker with god!"" was his boast.
""when i shop, i pay far less than most.""
(that last pair of lines
the word dicker defines,
but they're nothing to dazzle the post.)
"
"though my love for your sons is terrific,
they're not perfect. (and let's be specific.)
they play practical jokes
upon innocent folks,
a behavior one might call damnific.
"
"a washington hooker named paula
declared, ""i'm on sale! you can ball a
magnificent pro
for just ten bucks a throw!""
(men were lined up from walla to walla.)
"
"munching cheetos with robert de niro,
i remarked, ""do you know who's my hero?
the inventor of these
puffy nothings of cheese
with nutritional values of zero!""
"
"eve wore cheaters. they sat on her face.
someone told her her face was the place
that her cheaters should go.
she believed him and so
as a model she's now a disgrace.
"
"in my teens, there was no one above her:
sweet janis, an r&b lover.
her cheap thrills has cachet;
people buy it today,
though not just for the tunes but the cover.
"
"zap comix came first. after that,
robert crumb drew the famed fritz the cat.
he prefers, on strong lasses,
thick legs and big asses.
his women and paychecks? all fat.
"
"""there's a chaguar outside of our tent!!""
they were panicked, one hundred percent!
then i laughed, ""there's no cat,""
and explained to them that
it's the yucca-like plant i had meant.
"
"fifty gals, dressed as roosters, were crowing,
and this chorus line's crowd? overflowing!
yet all eyes were on kate
(she was cock number eight):
kinda plain, but a nipple was showing.
"
"my aunt's daughter works days on the staff
of an egg farm. one day, for a laugh,
i said, ""give me eggs, cousin?
a baker's half dozen,""
so she handed me six and a half.
"
"an acknowledged ailurophobe states
loud and clear, without doubt, that he hates
any cat he may see,
and we strongly agree
this is one of his prominent traits.
"
"i did not truly know what disgrace meant
till my wife went and found my replacement.
to my home i said ciao.
i'm with mom and dad now.
what i feel? where i live? that's debasement.
"
"dephlegmation's a process of note
once defined in a word, and i quote:
""concentration."" it's true.
it has nothing to do
with the process of clearing one's throat.
"
"he had crashed through the jeweler's display
to grab pendants and watches that day
(also necklaces, rings),
but was caught with these things,
so in bracelets they led him away.
"
"""let's get earthy!"" she purred, in a skirt
so close-fitting and short that it hurt.
i'm a fool, it appears:
for the last thirteen years
she's done nothing but treat me like dirt.
"
"""you're a dirty old man!"" proclaimed gertie,
when i tried to get friendly and flirty.
i responded, all bold,
""what's the good getting old
if you can't, at the same time, be dirty?""
"
"concentration is vital in chess.
with your queen, you must strive to suppress
any thoughts of how she
as your lover might be,
with her thighs soft and... but, i digress.
"
"there are more backstage pairings to please
the most ardent supporter of sleaze.
bodies writhing, ecstatic,
are far more dramatic
than that which the audience sees.
"
"our marriage, it's sad, was a loss.
pam liked crosswords while i liked lacrosse.
i decided to leave
when she said, ""i perceive
you're so 'down' while i'm clearly 'across'.""
"
"when my cerebral vomiting rains out?
your rug? you will not get the stains out.
my doctor's best guess:
i've a flawed cns.
it is not just me puking my brains out.
"
"it was alphabet pasta that spelled
in my soup, ""i am hereby compelled
to say please understand
i'm a prisoner, and
'gainst my will, in the kitchen, i'm held.""
"
"at a party, an angel appeared.
i rehearsed my approach as i neared.
""this is quite a good dip,""
was my opening quip.
""well, it takes one to know one,"" she sneered.
"
"though i love you intensely, maureen,
you've destroyed my career as a dean.
i believed you to be,
as you said, forty-three,
when in fact you are just seventeen.
"
"i'm a wrestler, ""the strangling serb,""
but my skills in the ring aren't superb.
i don't like being thrown
and i want this well known,
so my trunks proclaim: ""do not deturb.""
"
"we diversified quickly, and yet
our beginnings we'll never forget.
we made privies at first;
now we're wholly immersed
in our new product: eau de toilette.
"
"there's a certain linguistic connection
between caesar and birth. on inspection
you'll see it, i trust:
cesarotomy's just
one more term for caesarian section.
"
"i have had a dispute with my wife,
and this argument's changing our life.
she declares that she's ripe
for a strong james bond type
when, in truth, i am more barney fife.
"
"evie dashed off a letter to mikey,
then had to dash off because?crikey!
there's this roo in her flat
with a great bloody bat,
and his fur dyed three colours and spiky!
"
"i was cubatory, there on the grass,
watching clouds in the stratosphere pass
far above me as i,
quite recumbent, did lie,
horizontal, stretched out on my ass.
"
"my beauty queen date, miss kissimmee,
was easy. to score was a gimmie.
""gosh, your lights are turned low!
where on earth shall we go?""
both my date and the lighting were dimmy.
"
"in baseball, the backstop is he
who, when temperatures hit 93,
must continue to squat
till the last pitch is caught.
so, who wants to be catcher? not me!
"
"the back door was my ""in"" at penn state
since my grades all through high school weren't great.
mom and dad had positions
on the board of admissions,
and both to my plight could relate.
"
"back in grade school, my teacher would say,
""there's a word that's pronounced 'dee-voh-tay.'""
now i'm grown and i see
i prefer ""dee-voh-tee.""
(either way is completely ok.)
"
"meryl warns us, in canine domingo,
a film filled with down under lingo,
of the horrors of teething.
scene one, streep is seething:
""your babies have eaten my dingo!""
"
"though the company's long since dispersed,
here's a gimmick that must be the worst:
you could chat with a chum
chewing cinnaburst gum
without taking the paper off first!
"
"i'm an actor so what am i doing
on stage with the audience viewing
macbeth while they eat?
dinner theatre's a treat.
i can't hear myself speak for the chewing!
"
"sorry, kate, i don't love, not a smidgen,
your cinnamon-headed green pigeon.
though they're brought in from thailand
to live here in my land,
they're wholly against my religion.
"
"i was hit at a moment unguarded,
and with vile accusations bombarded:
""beast! you cheat, steal, and lie!
we are through!"" and so i
was, like yesterday's garbage, discarded.
"
"said a mafia tough guy, big huey,
""i'm the kingpin for all of st. louis.
cut me in every day
as your 'partner,' let's say,
or your face may end up like chop suey.""
"
"""your theory's preposterous!"" ned,
a medieval philosopher, said.
""there's this thing called a 'brain'
that gives thinking free rein?
i don't buy it. it's all in your head!""
"
"embrace floyd? i would rather hug cactus!
a detractor, he makes it his practice
disdain to convey,
and his wife's the same way,
though, as female, diane's a detractress.
"
"with this big diamond ring that i bought her,
i had wanted to marry my daughter.
but the law says no way,
plus my daughter votes nay,
so my prospects are dead in the water.
"
"to butterfly meat, what you do
is to slice it not all the way through
so the image this brings
is of butterfly wings
when both halves are then opened to view.
"
"bob and faye are a couple of dinks,
though not wealthy as everyone thinks.
double income?no kids,
but their life's on the skids.
bob abuses cocaine, and faye drinks.
"
"there were hits. there were bases on balls.
there were homers that sailed over walls.
he earned cheers from his peers
over twenty long years,
a career, sadly, no one recalls.
"
"i am sick of my bloated physique,
yet it's clear i'm no exercise freak.
though disfleshing's my goal,
i'm a slug on the whole.
calisthenics? dis flesh is too weak.
"
"he was smoking a death cigarette,
the most honest of all ciggies yet.
skulls and crossbones on black
on each twenty-smoke pack
would remind him of nicotine's threat.
"
"private johnson was killed in the war,
yet his pay still arrives as before.
this is dead-pay, a crime?
someone ought to do time!
such corruption we ought to deplore.
"
"we were filming a loving embrace
'tween two characters, hubert and grace.
they were both in one shot;
then she cried, ""hold me, scott!""
and the cut-in zoomed in on his face.
"
"digladiation means ""fighting with swords""
(or it did, ancient history records).
it's ""a brawl,"" in addition,
though this definition
has also since gone by the boards.
"
"how i yearn for a home of my own
with no front door, no back door, no phone.
i'd erect a fine shrine
to apanthropy?mine!
if you love me, you'll leave me alone.
"
"aboriginal children, they say,
were called cooboos, though not so today.
still, by hook or by crook,
it's how cookbooks would look
had we never invented the k.
"
"if you're ruled by a fridge, that's called freezerism.
you say scrooge is your king? ebenezerism!
both are bogus, these two,
but this last one is true:
rule by absolute government? caesarism.
"
"this has dacite? it's clearly dacitic.
(i don't like to get too analytic.)
""but that's it? the whole thing?
there's no zip! there's no zing!""
(around here, everybody's a critic.)
"
"""the width of one's buttocks,"" i swear!
i was looking up beam and it's there
in the famed oed.
could they possibly be,
like the buttocks, just full of hot air?
"
"in the days when i first hit pubescency,
i encountered a certain turgescency.
in an effort to hide,
and to keep it inside
of my pants, i'd seek out delitescency.
"
"there is not much that rhymes well with delf
in these books that i keep on my shelf.
there is booty (called pelf),
santa's helper (an elf),
and then your-, one-, him-, her-, and itself.
"
"""men, we dasn't be late!"" he opined,
and we thought, ""is he out of his mind?""
no one uses that word
for ""dare not."" it's absurd!
yet the captain believed it refined.
"
"a pacifist sheik from paducah
plays a goblet-shaped drum: the darbuka.
""all my family loves war
and good music, therefore
it was either learn this or bazooka.""
"
"if a stranger says, ""friend, let me tell you
'bout a system i'm willing to sell you
for winning the lottery,""
it's clearly crackpottery.
run as fast as your legs will propel you.
"
"i don't think that i'm speaking unfairly.
my wife's handwriting?legible? rarely!
like this note for the store:
""peanuts (something) or more.""
it's decipherable, yes, but just barely.
"
"now that nature has planted a seed,
meg's a busy young woman, indeed.
every room in her house
(not to mention her blouse)
is cram-full with what babies all need.
"
"if mick jagger expressed fascination
with the words from a past generation
and rewrote all his hits,
would those hits be the pits?
""i can't get no,"" he'd sing, ""contentation!""
"
"when a word contains dactyl, one knows
it involves someone's fingers or toes?
not their eyes, ankles, hips,
ear lobes, buttocks or lips,
or their knees. no, not any of those.
"
"my father insists illinois
is an excellent rhyme for st. croix.
while i'm forced to agree,
how he says them, you see,
is all wrong, and that really annoys.
"
"it's a shame that in films debonairity
has become such an absolute rarity.
yet replace cary grant?
how unlikely! we can't
while the public keeps choosing vulgarity.
"
"i would like to be known, in all fairness,
for a smooth urbane style and awareness
that my nonchalant grace,
manly glamor (a trace),
and smooth charm all convey debonairness.
"
"when you work for the daff you will learn
the ""three f's"" you will deal with. in turn
these are farms, forests, fish,
though if dublin's your wish
as a workplace, then food's a concern.
"
"amenorrhea: a term that's conveying
the sense of one's menses delaying.
check the medical books;
it is not how it looks:
a disease where you cannot stop praying.
"
"of those lucky enough to survive,
just miss dean is today left alive.
the titanic is gone,
but the baby lives on.
though infirm, she continues to thrive.
"
"when the christian religion began,
why was every disciple a man?
why did christ not pursue
a discipless or two
to assist in his heavenly plan?
"
"i'm dendroidal, and that ain't no bunk.
i've got limbs growing out of my trunk.
i have roots, so to speak.
as a sprinter, i'm weak.
chop me down with an ax and i'm sunk.
"
"what's a cinder cone? no doubt about it:
it's a vent with debris that came out it.
once volcanic, now cold,
a small lake it might hold,
but two scoops of vanilla? i doubt it.
"
"""i intend to debosh a fair maid!""
was the message the ancient conveyed.
i critiqued his technique:
""if they find you don't speak
modern english, you'll never get laid.""
"
"when a baker bought into a show,
broadway's all-nude revue, kneading dough,
as a backer, he thought
every chorus girl ought
to be his, but they all told him no.
"
"to your friends and to strangers be kind.
to the faults of your family be blind.
be a beacon of light
always doing what's right.
conscientiousness?keep it in mind.
"
"""you're aware that i don't want to wed,
though i do want to take you to bed.
when will you and i mate?
on our fifty-first date?""
quite discouragingly, ""never!"" she said.
"
"an anagram slowly arose
while i fiddled with strolin. now, those
seven letters will spell
the word nostril as well.
the significance? nobody nose.
"
"ninety grand's not too much, you'll agree,
for this red 1980 mg.
it's already a steal,
but i'll cut you a deal:
let me throw in new floor mats for free!
"
"michelle had just earned her diploma
despite her severe cerebroma.
though she battled it, sadly
her brain swelled so badly
she died after weeks in a coma.
"
"toward the seventeenth tee i was strutting
(i had done some magnificent putting!),
when this golf cart zipped by,
and i let out a cry
like some kid back at school, ""hey, no cutting!""
"
"the chronically tardy maria
was late for her flight to korea.
for each date, she'll be late.
show up early? you'll wait.
never prompt?well, you get the idea.
"
"""you can do it?i'm sure you'll succeed!
if you don't, we'll still love you."" indeed,
words of cherishment play
such a huge role today
giving kids the support that they need.
"
"though my wife stands a good six foot three
and i'm taller, we're dinky since we
are both earning our pay
for a family someday:
dual income, no kids yet, you see.
"
"""i'm a dinkwad!"" it said on his blog,
""and my lifestyle leaves neighbors agog.
plus my wife is one, too,
and our pooch, through and through:
dual income, no kids, with a dog.""
"
"princess leia's home planet? destroyed
when the death star's full force was employed.
she had pissed off darth vader,
which any third-grader
will tell you you ought to avoid.
"
"my tb had a nasty prognosis.
my lymph nodes got larger?fibrosis?
no, the biopsy showed
that inside was a load
of a yogurt-like cheesy necrosis.
"
"the citrophilous mealybug eats
any manner of citrusy treats.
it likes lemons and limes,
and sweet orange at times,
and will munch any grapefruit it meets.
"
"the limerick co. veep
said, ""we're bankrupt.  and debt? we're in deep!
partners stole what we earned
so the lesson i've learned:
be aware of the co. you keep.""
"
"now my digamous life is a breeze,
though my first wife was murder to please.
i am happy, remarried,
my first bride is buried,
and for me, wives will not come in threes.
"
"in line 1, my first a rhyme is ""joke""
while line 2 has the second: ""provoke.""
there are none in line 3
or line 4, but you see
that line 5 gives us ""pig in a poke.""
"
"first you bragged your canary liked chili,
a lie superficial and silly,
but later you claimed
that your mom had been maimed
by a dinosaur? that was a dilly!
"
"i've disowned my two sons. now i'm cursed,
since they see future fortunes reversed.
my new will they condemn,
but the joke is on them
since my exes got everything first.
"
"""simple"" murphy, that ding-dong, sneered, ""right!
a bell's peal is a ding-dong? not quite!
i've heard that one before
from your mother, the whore,""
so we had us a wild, ding-dong fight.
"
"the dika's a tree that's existent
in places (for me) that are distant.
only fools will dispute
it's got mango-like fruit,
and the wood from it's termite resistant.
"
"so this frail saunters out of the fog
on two pins to set blind men agog.
""i'm a check girl,"" she claims,
and i'm thinkin', ""these dames
could make patsies like me move to prague.""
"
"i'd caught sight of this girl on the lawn?
just a glimpse. she seemed shy and withdrawn.
close behind, could she be
the one true love for me?
then i checked and my wallet was gone.
"
"cruciality aims to convey
something urgent?life's not a-ok.
the emergency room
is the place you might zoom
without stopping for snacks on the way.
"
"when the dialectologist stood
and said, ""speak!"" i replied, ""if i could?""
he cut in: ""you're from maine,
you've spent summers in spain,
and your mother was dutch."" (this guy's good!)
"
"the word cuplike just means ""like a cup.""
would i say that's self-evident? yup.
that was easy, i grant,
so i honestly can't
understand why you're looking it up.
"
"anne forever divinifies chuck.
though she thinks he's a god, he's a schmuck.
""he's no deity, lord!""
but our words go ignored.
now she's planning a wedding? good luck!
"
"when your lyrics are all ""la-la-la""s,
your recording may still earn hurrahs
from your fans. a release
by the group the police
was a hit filled with ""de""s, ""do""s, and ""da""s.
"
"digladiation goes on day and night
to ensure definitions are tight.
crafting meter and rhyme
in each limerick takes time,
making each a delight to recite.
"
"crashing parties is frequently cited
as a reason that fights are ignited.
to be run out of town,
just show up and chow down
at some bash where you've not been invited.
"
"cut some pork, as a substitute meat,
into cubes for this tasty deceit.
spear the meat on a stick
(that's the ""bone""?a neat trick!)
and add breading, then bake it and eat.
"
"""patient a has a crapulous bowel""
caused an intern (a newbie) to howl.
""it is not what you think!
too much food, too much drink
can turn anyone's bowel system foul.""
"
"devout christians believe there is one day
that should never be spent as a fun day.
they rise early to go
off to church, yet they know
disbelievers sleep in every sunday.
"
"with the stories at bedtime all read,
we would want to watch tv instead.
we would cry, we would pout,
till our father would shout,
""it is time to bunk down. go to bed!""
"
"said the smoker, ""my wife thinks you're fine,""
as he stomped on his winston, a sign
saying i'm not sure what.
having crushed out that butt,
he moved on to the kicking of mine.
"
"dated date, as a term, may sound funny,
but investments are serious, sonny.
if you purchase a bond
since of interest you're fond,
it's your start date to earn money money.
"
"as my wife has repeatedly said,
""you cannot eat your crackers in bed.
they are crummable, putz,
and the crumbs drive me nuts!""
(problem solved?i now sleep in the shed.)
"
"the sideshow conjector said, ""lad,
i would guess you're an antioch grad.
you weigh one fifty-two,
and your middle name's lou.""
not impressed, i said, ""very good, dad.""
"
"""dan's still cutting his teeth,"" people say.
he's in training?still finding his way.
he'll be one of the pros
maybe someday. who knows?
but not yet. not right now. not today.
"
"with a safe on his shoulder, this brat was
taking aim on a spot where a cat was,
when a worm with a cough
scared the pussycat off.
what a deus ex machina that was!
"
"""a musician named bo? well, i doubt it.""
what a moron! (i wanted to shout it.)
i'm a man who takes pride
in his cool. i replied
that he didn't know diddley about it.
"
"our criterial standards are these:
are you comfortable down on your knees?
do you have great renown
for a nose nice and brown?
were you placed on this planet to please?
"
"the cinderella effect sadly shows
something each child psychologist knows;
the statistics are chilling:
with assault, rape, and killing,
for a stepchild, the likelihood grows.
"
"it's the '60s: an ad campaign pledges
it's hard smoking benson &amp; hedges,
since their new cigarette
is the longest one yet.
they're a pain in the ass, it alleges.
"
"this is cultic behavior you're showing?
that tail and those horns that you're growing.
go ahead, join a cult,
but beware the result:
any chance to be saved you'll be blowing.
"
"a young terrorist, watching the blaze
of an enemy's home, seldom pays
any mind to the fact
that he'll soon be attacked.
he's forgetting that hate cuts both ways.
"
"there once was a car with no name,
though its namelessness brought it acclaim.
it was part of the pitch?
a strange ad campaign, which,
now in retrospect, seems kinda lame.
"
"with the term bitch's christmas, i mean
what the heteros call halloween.
they don't know that i'm gay,
so it's just on that day
that i get to go out as a queen.
"
"as the end of one year quickly nears,
there's a countdown then everyone cheers.
all the world goes insane:
paper hats and champagne.
such divertisements bore me to tears.
"
"about cultigens, this much is known:
they don't grow in the wild on their own.
you can cultivate plants
that don't prosper by chance,
since by nature is not how they're grown.
"
"when a dog becomes rabid, you know,
it's destroyed (such a pity). although
any man, likewise sick,
might be authorized quick
a conservative radio show.
"
"the state took my land?the last straw!
yet my lawsuit i'll have to withdraw.
last year's taxes weren't paid,
so i'm screwed, i'm afraid.
dispossession's nine-tenths of the law.
"
"ask a doctor of musical arts
and he'll say, with his musical smarts:
""what are quavers called semi-
and, on top of that, demi-?
those are whole notes in thirty-two parts.""
"
"""i don't love you."" (it sounded rehearsed.)
i would lie if i said my heart burst.
'tween the rumble of thunder
and love?which, i wonder,
can manage to die away first?
"
"""your honor, i state most emphatically
the defendant was driving erratically.""
seems they caught me on tape,
so there'll be no escape:
they're presenting their case cinematically.
"
"you say ann has been cheating on kurt?
and she's taken to wearing a skirt
with no panties? that whore!
do i want to know more?
by all means! have a seat?dish the dirt!
"
"though the program i wrote seems secure,
there's a back door put in to ensure
easy access. some day
i may use it as, say,
a duplicitous entrepreneur.
"
"d - i - t - i - o - n - a - r - y
is a word that has just caught my eye.
if you just slip a ""c""
'tween the ""i"" and the ""t"",
you've a book on which scholars rely.
"
"at the toymaker's gate we'd conspired
to picket against being fired,
but they sent us a note
to disperse (and i quote):
""sorry, some disassembly required.""
"
"you embezzled from mother, you scum, you!
we get nothing but treachery from you.
it's changing you, clearly.
i say this sincerely:
dishonesty doesn't become you.
"
"i received an odd letter from home
begging, ""please discontinue this poem!""
ok.
"
"for felony rape i was framed,
""and i'm pregnant!"" the victim proclaimed.
when the child was born asian,
this guilt-free caucasian
beyond any doubt was disblamed.
"
"regarding how people are labeled,
the term crippled was long ago tabled.
also, handicapped's out?
too offensive, no doubt.
what we say now is differently abled.
"
"a mensa et thoro, it's said,
is latin: ""from table and bed.""
in the eyes of the law,
it is clear maw and paw
can be separate and still remain wed.
"
"she came near to suppressing her fear
of my touch, of my breath on her ear...
but she fled. decades passed.
still the memories hold fast
with the end of my days coming near.
"
"cinnamaldehyde often is used
in both candy and bug spray. confused?
wait, there's more! it stops fungus
and poodles among us,
according to texts i've perused.
"
"i was looking for something to eat
in the jungle when what should i meet
but six tigers, all drooling
with hunger?no fooling!
my divulsion, of course, was complete.
"
"on my antelope farm in salinas,
i've a dik-dik the kids have named venus,
but the software installed
to protect them's appalled
and insists i've a pet penis-penis.
"
"though her choker (at best mediocre)
lay over her choker of ochre,
it repelled stranglin' dan,
who turned chicken and ran?
as a choker that man was a choker.
"
"pinto colvig was practical pig,
the first bozo before he was big,
also grumpy and bluto
and sleepy and pluto
and goofy, his most famous gig.
"
"rodney tends to nod off when he drinks,
and he's not as alert as he thinks.
before driving, i've said,
he should first find a bed
and, for safety's sake, grab 40 winks.
"
"i was taken aback by her thighs.
they were hairy and strong like a guy's!
what? you don't understand?
""what's aback?"" you demand?
it's an adverb that means ""by surprise.""
"
"bamstadt boozler's fine work end of day
says that death is life's final bouquet.
no cadavers are seen,
just a blue lima bean?
a grim symbol of time and decay.
"
"dead-stick landings are hairy, no doubt.
they're the sort we make movies about.
take a plane, way up high,
that you glide more than fly,
and then land it with all engines out.
"
"whites say blacks in the know may be scant.
(stayin' current ain't easy, i grant.)
but a black man can stay
up to date and au fait.
don't let any ofay say you can't.
"
"""the battery's dead,"" said this thug,
my blind date. though i had a small jug
(in my purse) filled with gas
for ""we're empty,"" alas,
a new battery's too much to lug!
"
"look! the cheeseheads are out on display!
they look strange, but they like it that way.
wedge-shaped hats made of foam
show wisconsin's their home
and they're proud to be fans of green bay.
"
"here's something that didn't just happen:
from lieutenant, my jump up to cap'n.
likewise, major won't come
from the blue, packed in some
shiny box with big bows and gift wrappin'.
"
"""there's a guy by your garden,"" said clyde,
""with no pants on and fit to be tied!""
""that's my date,"" replied flo.
""he's a loser, and so
i depantsed him and threw him outside.""
"
"on her wedding day, sipping champagne,
mary beth drops a small quiche lorraine
on her gown. you can tell
that the groom's mad as hell
as he frowns at his bride with disdain.
"
"""i'm driving my caddie,"" may sound
like you own the best car to be found.
but add cart to that name
and your wheels aren't the same.
you're on foot pushing golf clubs around.
"
"some pro-lifers explain that they choose
to kill doctors to get in the news.
hateful irony? yes,
yet they're bound to impress
direptitiously spreading their views.
"
"i developed lumbago this year.
i'm about to be fired, i fear.
my stocks took a beating.
i caught my wife cheating.
my life's disimprovement is clear.
"
"late at night, freezing cold, there we were.
would the engine turn over? no, sir!
life was dire before,
but had grown that much more:
things were direr-er-er-er-er.
"
"seeking discodactylia? trees
are the place to find creatures like these.
sucking disks on their feet
let these froggies retreat
to the highest of treetops with ease.
"
"in a film with an outdoorsy theme,
bucky beaver will dam up a stream.
in the end, bucky dies.
i must dam up my eyes,
or my manhood i'll never redeem.
"
"as the ivory snow mom, she looked nice,
but behind the green door featured vice.
(such a total disparity
'tween jobs is a rarity.)
then she ran for vice president twice.
"
"a nickname can mock or disgrace.
in napoleon bonaparte's case
it was both, i suppose,
when his numerous foes
called him ""boney"" (though not to his face).
"
"with words that were written transcendedly:
""my candle burns quite ambi-endedly,""
said edna st. vincent
millay.  fitting, since it
gave off luminescence so splendidly!
"
"disutilize ignorance now!
make it useless and impotent. how?
education is key.
""teach the children"" should be
our most basic, unbreakable vow.
"
"quite distressedly, chester confessed:
""just to press hester's breast was my quest.
she said yes?sweet success!
i caressed 'neath her dress.
she's a he!"" (it's my guess he's depressed.)
"
"the kaapori capuchin's brazilian,
in numbers of less than a million.
the armed forces say, ""no!""
if they try to join, so
every one that you meet's a civilian.
"
"go ahead, we'll just call you miss ann.
act as white as you possibly can.
you can pass? we don't care.
go and straighten your hair,
dye it blonde, learn to ski, join the klan.
"
"the chebsaurus thought school was a bore.
with their folks they were always at war.
they would hang with their crowd
and play music too loud.
fighting acne was always a chore.
"
"imagine a world, if you please,
that's arboreal: nothing but trees.
what if forests had grown
to live lives like our own?
could they've equaled our efforts with ease?

would the wizard of oz overwhelm
if a tree had been placed at the helm?
there'd be changes, no doubt,
like when dorothy cries out,
""auntie elm! ...auntie elm! ...auntie elm!!""
"
"please correct me, kind sir, if i'm wrong,
but a cagebird is known for its song
or its plumage. it stays
in a cage all its days
since backpocketbirds don't last that long.
"
"""you must wait a decennium, harry,
then another ten years till we marry.
that engagement's too long?
i'm not worth it? you're wrong!""
(is she eager to marry? not very.)
"
"pope adrian i held his seat
for a time not as long as saint pete:
almost two dozen years
in a row. it appears,
for his time, that was truly a feat.
"
"""he fell down the apples,"" i heard
(an unusual use of that word).
turns out apples and pears
is a slang term for ""stairs""
that the speaker, from london, preferred.
"
"""decommodification's a joke!""
(a utilities chairman just spoke.)
""let the water works flow
without charging? hell, no!""
(i say yes, but then i'm always broke.)
"
"all caught up in the moment, i cheered,
""my left hook is a punch to be feared!""
i did not stop to think
someone might raise a stink
over just how my act had appeared.
"
"there's no evidence?none!?of our caper.
i don't write her or videotape her.
any words to and fro
are all boltop, we know,
which means ""better on lips than on paper.""
"
"i don't know what this means but i should.
i'd define it right now if i could.
like a cucullate leaf?
webster's write-up is brief:
it means having the shape of a hood.
"
"say the critics: ""this book is a keeper!""
and the film with steve martin? ""a sleeper!""
i agree with the first,
but the film was the worst!
by the dozen, not everything's cheaper.
"
"that guy's cuckoo, demented, inane.
out to lunch, he is touched in the brain.
he's a fruitcake, a nut.
'round the bend? nothing but!
he is potty, bananas, insane!
"
"i was asked, with my trial just begun,
""the 'prime suspect,' you're called. why's that done?""
my response i thought risible:
""it's because i'm divisible
by only myself and by one.""
"
"""disattire yourself. this is it:
venus calls us; our love light is lit.""
she did anything but.
open-mouthed, she said, ""what?""
""get undressed, you illiterate twit!""
"
"cuban lilies were named for peru;
though this label's confusing, it's true.
keep in mind, in the main,
they were brought in from spain,
although portuguese squill will do, too.
"
"you got kools? holy jeeze, are you nuts?
stinkin' menthols! i'll puke out my guts!
what's the top cigarette?
lucky strike's yer best bet.
don't forget when i send you for butts!
"
"i've decided to dump paris hilton,
since her intellect's rapidly wiltin'.
she's disexercised, greatly,
her mind so that lately
i find that she's misquoting milton.
"
"at my bar, you all beg for free stout.
you're all worthless, beyond any doubt.
though i count you as friends,
here's where charity ends.
all you crumb-bums can get the hell out!
"
"a volcano researcher named schwartz
sees a stone that's light gray and reports:
""this is dacite, a lock
to be igneous rock
made of plagioclase mixed with quartz.""
"
"he would diamondize kathryn, his prize,
with bright diamonds of every size?
'round her neck, on her ears?
with one goal, it appears:
to accentuate kate's diamond eyes.
"
"teddy roosevelt, clearly, he's not,
in a play folks enjoy quite a lot.
they don't mind that he's nuts
since, no ifs, ands or buts,
his derangement is key to the plot.
"
"i believed that some lecherous linking
with lynn could begin with some winking.
at my very best wink,
she responded, ""you stink!""
what a backfire! what was i thinking?
"
"anne had ""bed hair,"" a strange disarrayment.
harold knew, sadly, what that display meant.
it was flat in the back
from her time in the sack
with the landlord?that month's rental payment.
"
"in the air force, a job for the brass
is declassification, alas.
though my personal file
was ""top secret"" a while,
it's now labeled ""who gives a rat's ass.""
"
"mr. angus machaggis: a snappy,
bad-tempered, and wholly unhappy
carnaptious old scot?
is he loved?  not a lot.
and his prospects for whoopie are crappy.
"
"straightforward and bold, a young calf
propositioned his date, a giraffe.
though he'd acted decisively,
she answered derisively,
""you? mate with me? what a laugh!""
"
"a mason who worked in nantucket
made his lunch in the morn and would truck it
each day without fail
in a small dinner pail.
(he brought chow from his home in a bucket?)
"
"charles, an activist, frequently rails
against ceticide: ""fill up the jails
with the murdering scum
who have lately become
so adept at the slaughter of whales!""
"
"though a full-blooded cherokee brave,
soaring eagle insists, ""call me dave.""
he's an apple, all right,
trying hard to be white.
his proud father must spin in his grave.
"
"victor chan using chopsticks? no way!
he avoids every eastern clich?.
although totally asian,
his lifestyle's caucasian.
""that guy's a banana,"" they say.
"
"""boy, that chick's got nice apples!"" (oh, brother!)
""i would rather you ogled some other
'hot slut,' as you say.
yes, her breasts are ok.
i'll convey your kind words?that's my mother.""
"
"i'm devout; to the scriptures i'm cleaving.
my religion is not self-deceiving.
where's my proof? for a start:
it's what's found in my heart,
since not seeing is not disbelieving.
"
"mister cabot (sebastian) loved acting
on family affair. what's distracting?
there's a man of some fame
with this very same name
who on history was vaguely impacting.
"
"conrad answered the priest with, ""i (you
understand that the rumors are true.
she is pregnant. i'm broke.
this whole wedding's a joke.
her dad's rich. still, i'd rather not.) do.""
"
"the phrase ""dam-sel in dis-tress"" is wrong
since that dis- in dis-tress isn't strong.
you must destress the dis-
in distress ? just like this,
so all stresses are where they belong.
"
"it is true i'm a young, pretty man,
so in prison, it's catch as catch can.
i try not to mope,
or to drop any soap.
till the day that i leave, that's my plan.
"
"a brawl in a bar called mahoney's
did not include me or my cronies.
we wanted to fight,
but what stopped us that night?
no backbone.  no guts.  no cojones.
"
"a gargantuan storm captain bligh sees
is not all he must face on the high seas.
is his crew going mad?
either crisis is bad,
but it's clear he is facing two crises.
"
"all the children loved bozo the clown.
larry harmon, though, wore a sad frown.
""the original""? no!
that big lie had to go.
pinto colvig (deceased) wears that crown.
"
"dan's at home, all alone, with his liquor.
aunt loretta is screwing the vicar.
annie's kids all have lice.
(though i know it's not nice,
dirty laundry like this makes me snicker!)
"
"he's contemptible, filthy, and such?
just a dirt bag you'd not want to touch.
his unethical dad
is a dirt ball, i'd add.
what's the difference between them? not much.
"
"i had cheated the mob, for a start.
said big tony, ""that wasn't too smart.
now, before you must die,
let me straighten your tie.""
bound and gagged, i replied, ""yaww waww haww!""
"
"two cups cycasin, one diced-up lime,
one cup flour (self-rising is prime)?
beat with whisk until fluffy,
then bake until puffy.
serves four and kills three over time.
"
"there's this princess so delicate she
loses sleep on account of a pea
'neath her mattress. by gosh,
it would take twenty squash
to discomfit a fellow like me.
"
"that you ought to be scared of the rattle
of a diamondback's nothing but prattle.
with a rattlesnake, friend,
check the opposite end.
what will lead to your funeral? that'll!
"
"this hot dog's disrelish is clear.
""put some mustard and relish on here!""
my disrelish of food
such as this means i'm screwed:
i disrelish what some folks hold dear.
"
"since she left, in my grief i'm awash,
but my weeping's not wasted, by gosh!
i desalinate tears
i have cried all these years
and have watered three acres of squash.
"
"i was twenty when grandma first said,
""chris, don't ever take strumpets to bed.""
disapprovingly, she
later caught me with three.
(when she pulled out her bullwhip, we fled!)
"
"camel cigarettes clearly were first
to be packaged pre-rolled and dispersed
the world over, but later,
to make their sales greater,
came an ad campaign clearly the worst.
"
"dame judith olivia dench,
you're an actress i'd quite like to clench.
with an oscar and tony,
you're surely no phony.
mmmmm-mwah! there's a kiss for you (french)!
"
"before blackheads appear in a blitz
on his forehead, reynaldo admits
deobstructing his pores,
and such face-cleaning chores,
are essential, since zits are the pits.
"
"a bizarre-acting maid from slovenia
said, ""i fear... that i have... neurasthenia!""
watch her play with my keys.
it is obvious she's
got disorganized type schizophrenia.
"
"it was thomas e. dewey's disgrace
to run twice, but then take second place.
(and the last loss was stunning!)
of all the men running,
he's the last one with hair on his face.
"
"a unique way of breaking the ice
is strip yahtzee, but take my advice:
check, before you compete,
that the game is complete.
what you don't want to hear is ""no dice!""
"
"i had sunburn, real bad, on both thighs.
said the nurse, ""there's a cream i'd advise.""
when she dabbed on some aloe,
because i'm so shallow,
i dabbed bitter tears from my eyes.
"
"she was dead in the way that she dressed,
with a lily held close to her breast.
she wore clothes dark as night,
but her face was pale white.
it's a goth look i'd come to detest.
"
"first we'll start with this word: divorc?e.
next, another's pronounced the same way:
divorc?. is that odd?
they're divorced now, by god,
but the first one's the female, ok?
"
"as a townsman, my friends say i'm pert,
yet to insults i'm always alert.
when some guy called me ""cit""
and then sneered just a bit,
i admit that my feelings were hurt.
"
"abranchiate means ""without gills,""
as in monkeys, raccoons, whippoorwills,
or bison, an ox,
a canadian fox,
or those starlets from beverly hills.
"
"acoustooptics, when new, had employed
two senses the techies enjoyed?
both hearing and sight?
so now light shows each night
feature lasers to tunes by pink floyd.
"
"in my youth, the church candles i'd light.
to the priest i was always polite.
though quite solemn each minute,
my heart wasn't in it.
i was more of an ""acolyte lite.""
"
"once more i am forced to bemoan
the fact that when words are less known
they're less used, and that's sad
for we once could have had
rod serling's acronychal zone.
"
"your seat belt might not fully snap in,
or a power tool might catch you nappin'.
you could step on a snake,
and condoms can break.
remember, folks: accidents happen!
"
"i wanted to buy for my sweet
a full acre of farmland complete.
it's expensive, no wonder:
in size it's just under
some 44,000 square feet.
"
"""old and balding,"" it's true, was my status,
so i purchased this hair apparatus:
an expensive toupee,
so that no one will say,
when they see me, ""hey, that guy's achaetous!""
"
"an acouchi is furry and fat;
the west indies might be where it's at;
in size understated;
to the cavy related;
also known as a surinam rat.
"
"i'm reluctant to make this admission
but it's true, i'm no academician.
still, who needs degrees
to write limericks like these?
i've got chutzpah and brains and ambition!
"
"""law and order,"" he said, euphemistically,
""is our goal,"" but he'd characteristically
oppress me and you.
that's what dictators do
when allowed to rule absolutistically.
"
"""be as pure and as gentle as lambs.""
this instructive advice is my gram's.
we're abelam. the skinny
from papua new guinea?
do not risk disturbing the yams!
"
"the ceratosaur: fast and carnivorous,
and extinct, like those others herbivorous.
this is lucky for me
since it's clear he would be
very likely computer-geekivorous.
"
"sisters mary and anne? saboteurs!
and my dogs are dressed up as chauffeurs.
up is down. two is three.
(when i take lsd
such derealization occurs.)
"
"they told me the day i was hired
that a donkey and sponge were required.
the latter i had,
though the former?  it's sad,
but my asslessness meant i was fired.
"
"two sick chickens (a joke you have heard)
led the owner to kill just one bird.
chicken-soupification
meant cannibalization
in more than one sense of the word.
"
"every hand of most clocks in creation
engages in dextrogyration.
i could easily say,
""they turn clockwise,"" but, hey,
i prefer more arcane conversation.
"
"afflatus, divine inspiration
inciting an act of creation,
has nothing to do
(though it looks like it, true)
with a gas-from-the-back situation.
"
"""it's frightening what childbirth can do to us,
but afterpains? they're nothing new to us,""
many women decry.
""they are brought about by
contractions from deep in the uterus.""
"
"i complained to the judge quite emphatically:
""no big screen? no fans screaming ecstatically?
paparazzi? like hell!
no red carpet as well.
this is not what i'd call 'cinematically'!""
"
"some say making akutaq's an art.
with the fat of a reindeer you start.
mix in eggs, if you wish,
raisins, berries, ground fish,
and some fresh-fallen snow?the best part!
"
"accombination is thusly defined:
""a combining."" but what is combined?
maybe eggs, milk, and flour,
or white and black power,
or the efforts of body and mind.
"
"what an awkward, confusing sensation!
i awake to a standing ovation;
i'm in les mis?rables.
what i feel: discombob-
(did i mention i'm naked?) ulation.
"
"to discind means ""to part or divide.""
one example made eyes open wide,
yet discinding a sea
seems quite easy. the key:
first you gotta get god on your side.
"
"caught off balance, i gave myself credit
for quick thinking, though now i regret it.
it has often been said:
with a punch to the head,
it is better to give it than get it.
"
"is the white house a large u.f.o.?
does a man bathe his cat in bordeaux?
can a three-month-old baby
speak portuguese, maybe?
disquisitive minds want to know!
"
"twenty penguins play squash till they're dizzy
in a painting that's titled to lizzie.
seven saints in a tree
make the critics agree:
""there's too much going on?it's too busy!""
"
"to disyllabize ben, call him ""benny.""
do the same thing with cent, it's a penny.
if a movie has plots
within plots, lots and lots,
the two-syllable term there is many.
"
"the skeptics will say, ""inconceivable!
the oedilf, in a word: unbelievable!""
but i'm feeling secure
if we only endure
it's a goal that is wholly achievable.
"
"are my plans for success all illusional?
or can dreams of this sort be transfusional?
will we be, as i say,
famous writers some day?
or, in truth, am i sadly delusional?
"
"though my goal was quite high when i set it,
i won't, deo volente, regret it.
as absurd as it sounds,
i will lose 50 pounds.
(though if god isn't willing, forget it!)
"
"you've got acorn disease? you're a tree.
that's what my diagnosis would be.
you're no oak, you say? shoot!
it turns out you're a fruit?
well, that's surely a new one on me!
"
"agarics are mushrooms i bet
that you just might consider a threat.
they, though somewhat forbidding,
were once used (no kidding!)
to inhibit production of sweat.
"
"there are some definitions we've got
that, quite frankly, don't tell you a lot.
for example, acystic
means this characteristic:
""enclosed in a bladder it's not.""
"
"a gymnast named roger confesses:
""i stink! my infrequent successes
in acrobacy can't
be from talent, i grant.
it's my tight-fitting suit that impresses.""
"
"dissociation, i'm sorry to say,
is what kathy insists on today.
she has made it quite clear
that she won't have me near:
""just get lost! take a hike! go away!""
"
"it's pronounced ""kan-uh-pay kon-fih-dent,""
though its name i can't help but resent.
so do not be confused:
this name shouldn't be used
if ""hors d'oeuvre with no doubts"" is what's meant.
"
"""i should travel the streets palanquiningly,""
sue sneered at her date overweeningly.
""of course, you'd be below.
that's just fitting, you know.""
why the hell does she speak so demeaningly?
"
"""can't!"" and ""i'm!"" said my cow at the start.
later: ""you'd!!"" for a phone i then dart.
""doctor drake? bessie's calving!
she's currently having
contractions five minutes apart!""
"
"when my family's abroad on vacation,
we must frequently find transportation:
catch a plane; catch a train;
catch a cab in the rain.
it's a catch-as-catch-can situation.
"
"disthronize is really a word
for dethrone, though it seems so absurd.
i cannot quite say whether
it's the most altogether
ridiculous word i have heard.
"
"a disease of the skin, dermatopathy,
may also be labeled dermopathy.
my aunt betty, when young,
rolled these words off her tongue
and wound up with a nasty glossopathy.
"
"grampa jake owns two pubs of some merit,
""dotty mae's"" and ""the eagle and ferret.""
hilton inns point with pride
at fine lodgings worldwide.
so which chain would you rather inherit?
"
"critics panned my fine work as a dancer
in the christmas show prancer with cancer.
""all that flailing about!
where's your vision, you lout?""
i won't dignify that with an answer.
"
"with an overseas madman elected,
and a missile to dallas detected,
i quickly called mom:
""did you hear of the bomb?!""
""oh, don't worry. we're fi? ................. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? (disconnected)
"
"the pony was bucking and chacking.
(a love of his bridle was lacking.)
he's a horse in his prime.
i'm old news, so if i'm
gonna catch him, i'd better get cracking.
"
"""your paintings are true works of art,""
she informed me. ""i knew from the start
you're another van gogh.
let me sponsor your show.""
i said, ""thank you so much. you're all heart!""
"
"while i well understand his concerns,
he'll feel better the more that he learns.
i'd said, ""stuff in your lake
sounds like dinosaurs, jake!""
but it's only a species of ferns.
"
"what luck for my tooth-decayed rhesus!
my vet uses psychokinesis,
pulling teeth with his mind.
bonzo wakened to find
brand new bridgework, a dental prosthesis.
"
"abranchiata have birthdays with kin.
""make a wish!""? well, the chances are thin.
without lungs, there's no doubt
blowing candles is out.
they just wait for the tide to come in.
"
"cap-and-feather days! oh, how i yearn
for those days that will never return?
carefree days without end
with my close childhood friend
whom i cradle today in this urn.
"
"if a cow should jump over the moon
as some dishware elopes with a spoon,
let's let no one disparage
this oddly mixed marriage;
from vitriol no one's immune.
"
"i'm in love! discodactylous rose
has these small sucking disks on her toes.
and what makes this appealing?
she paces the ceiling
while slowly removing her clothes.
"
"""why ron reagan was clearly the best.""
""farm communities put to the test.""
""i am joe's upper arm.""
""how to keep kids from harm.""
my, that sure is a lot to digest.
"
"public speaking: a means to his ends
for dale carnegie. how to win friends
and influence people,
while not very deep'll
connect you to noteworthy trends.
"
"my dinner with anne had been splendid,
but my stomach was grossly distended.
great intestinal gas
then exploded, alas.
it was then that my date with her ended.
"
"what, a lawsuit? again? oh, you bum, you!
i get nothing but arguments from you!
though you think you've a flair
for subpoenas, i swear
disputatiousness doesn't become you!
"
"at his birth, we rejoiced with some vino,
but now dino, our son, has adreno-
leukodystrophy. life
has been hard since my wife
learned her gene has foredoomed our bambino.
"
"twenty-eight of us live on a bus.
lack of privacy's seen as a plus.
as our family grows,
we get closer, god knows.
disconnectedness? hell, no?not us!
"
"such a jerk, you defame doctor salk on
those dumb radio programs you talk on.
you're a creep, a baboon,
a moronic buffoon!
i disworship the ground that you walk on.
"
"crurifragium: some people say
it's a kindness. you're doomed?why delay?
broken legs? what's the loss
when you're nailed to a cross?
speed the process as life ebbs away.
"
"i suppose that it's only behooving
of me to report life's improving
for my bird-eating spider.
there's a sparrow inside her!
(if she starts eating eagles, i'm moving.)
"
"""to disexercise dogs,"" dan explained,
""is to leave them completely untrained.
or it could be like when
they are left in a pen,
day and night, and severely restrained.""
"
"loved, adored, in your worship i bask.
i'm so god-like to you, here's a task:
why not divinize me?
i'll give blessings for free.
holy cow, is that too much to ask?
"
"first camille gave biloxi the blues
and then andrew earned ghastly reviews.
scared of hurricane season?
the south has good reason:
katrina's made both storms old news.
"
"i'm not dazzled by weather, i'd say?
not impressed by a stormy display.
but when andrew blew through,
i was shaken, it's true.
man, that hurricane blew me away!
"
"secessionists huffed and they puffed,
then their leaders told lincoln, ""get stuffed!""
after four years of war,
they were back as before
with their plans for disunion rebuffed.
"
"what an insult (it's grand! it's majestic!)
for consumers of cheese non-domestic
who, in wartime, show fear.
i'd include the term here,
but i can't since it's non-anapestic.
"
"a diamond is where you may view
a great game that i never outgrew
filled with little league jocks;
so while girls like their rocks,
diamonds can be a boy's best friend, too.
"
"why's my lover so often ecstatic?
in the bedroom, i'm always pragmatic:
i ask, ""shall we try it
at ease, nice and quiet,
or maybe a tad acrobatic?""
"
"accubation's the practice, while dining,
to be in a posture reclining.
if i'm eating this way,
any dish served flamb?
is a choice i'll be surely declining.
"
"any number of studies have shown
that it's difficult working alone.
an accomplice augments
your endeavors, and hence
you'll do more than you would on your own.
"
"disslanderous? well, it's like this:
as my father once said to me, ""chris,
it means 'slanderous,' yes?
and that first d-i-s
just implies it's for people we dis.""
"
"simple adequacy? that's a condition
with no strong plus or minus position.
if week after week
this is all that you seek,
then it's clear that you're lacking ambition.
"
"the source of some words can be blurry,
which makes etymologists worry.
from the ""latin"" one gleans
that absquatulate means
""to abscond or depart in a hurry.""
"
"if a person you go and abduct,
and his efforts to leave you obstruct,
when it comes to your trial
they will grill you and i'll
bet the rent you'll be totally screwed.
"
"it's clear we elected a dope for
our leader. i'd give up the rope for
his hanging, you bet!
he should leave us, and yet
abdication is too much to hope for.
"
"at the crime scene, he'd handled some mints
and a purple rain tape?our first hints.
dactylography proved
that his gloves were removed.
we were able to (ha!) finger prince.
"
"mother nature, when shove comes to push,
may position your face on your tush.
it's called aberration,
like a purple carnation
or a good beer from anheuser-busch.
"
"i was crushed when my date cut me dead
at the party last week and, instead,
spoke with everyone there,
yet seemed quite unaware
i had come. was it something i said?
"
"clydesdale terriers are, it is clear,
precious pets that their owners hold dear.
they've got long silky coats,
erect ears and, one notes,
they are used in commercials for beer.
"
"he's the big guy, the main v.i.p,
the head honcho, the b.m.o.c.,
the high-muck-a-muck czar,
the kahuna, the star.
and the schmuck who's his opposite? ...me.
"
"a chordophone's one of those things
that you play on by plucking its strings,
or you bow them or strike them.
there's nothing quite like them.
they're loved by both paupers and kings.
"
"as centurion, i was behooved
to, with one hundred soldiers, be moved.
but this title today
would permit me to say:
""i've got one hundred limericks approved!""
"
"pretty soon they'll be raising the curtain.
playing hamlet? he's no richard burton.
clearly wrong for the part
(he's too old, for a start),
he has cut a fat hog, that's for certain!
"
"the tobacco mosaic, it's seen,
is a virus especially mean.
the dahlemense strain
(a particular pain)
contains acetyl?seryltyrosyl?seryl?isoleucyl?threonylseryl?prolyl-
?serylglutaminyl?phenyl?alanyl?valyl?phenyl?alanyl?leucylseryl?seryl-
valyltryptophyl alanyl?aspartyl?prolylisoleucyl?glutamylleucyl-?
leucyl?asparaginyl?valyl?cysteinyl?threonyl?seryl?seryl?leucyl?glycyl-
?asparaginyl?glutaminyl?phenyl?alanyl?glutaminyl?threonyl?glutaminyl-?
glutaminyl?alanyl?arginyl?threonyl?threonyl?glutaminyl?valyl?glutaminyl?-
glutaminyl?phenyl?alanyl?seryl?glutaminyl?valyl?tryptophyl?lysyl?prolyl?-
phenyl?alanyl?proly?lglutaminyl?seryl?threonyl?valyl?arginyl?phenyl?alanyl-
?prolyl?glycyl?aspartyl?valyl?tyrosyl?lysyl?valyl?tyrosyl?arginyltyrosyl-
?asparaginyl?alanyl?valyl?leucyl?aspartyl?prolyl?leucyl?isoleucyl-
?threonyl?alanyl?leucyl?leucyl?glycyl?threonyl?phenyl?alanyl?aspartyl?-
threonyl?arginyl?asparaginyl?arginyl?isoleucyl?isoleucyl?glutamyl?valyl?-
glutamyl?asparaginyl?glutaminyl?glutaminyl?seryl?prolyl?threonyl?-
threonylalanyl?glutamyl?threonyl?leucyl?aspartyl?alanyl?threonyl?-
arginyl?arginyl?valyl?aspartyl?aspartyl?alanyl?threonyl?valyl?alanyl?-
isoleucyl?arginyl?seryl?alanyl?asparaginyl?isoleucyl?asparaginyl?-
leucyl?valyl?asparaginyl?glutamyl?leucyl?valyl?arginyl?glycyl?threonyl?-
glycyl?leucyl?tyrosyl?asparaginyl?glutaminyl?asparaginyl?threonyl-
?phenyl?alanyl?glutamyl?seryl?methionyl?seryl?glycyl?leucyl?valyl?-
tryptophyl?threonyl?seryl?alanyl?prolyl?alanyl?serine.
"
"some geologists, earning big salaries
for their work in geology galleries,
know that crocolite is,
in the mineral biz,
not some gator that's famed for less calories.
"
"as a writer/performer, his powers
excelled; we'd be laughing for hours!
monty python was great
and john cleese was first rate,
but my favorite of all? fawlty towers.
"
"in a bbc show sure to dazzle,
mr fawlty is worn to a frazzle.
while the cook, seeking praise'll,
make good use of basil,
john cleese is the character basil.
"
"""the cornerstone,"" harry has said,
""of my wealth is the life i have led.""
but the truth is there's more
to this tale. at the core
lies his super-rich uncle (now dead).
"
"vile and villainous, make no mistake,
tom will cut out your heart then partake
of a cannibal's meal
and no feelings reveal.
what a difference three decades can make!
"
"what's he making with care and aplomb?
it's a valentine gift for his mom.
he'll cut out, for a start,
from red paper, a heart,
and then sign it quite simply: ""love tom.""
"
"we could all use the meat, and our mayor would
like a slaughterhouse here that would stay for good.
his council he's heeded;
an abattoir's needed,
but not, let me add, in my neighborhood!
"
"in our diction class, joe would cut up,
always playing the mischievous pup.
since it caused teachers stress,
he would never say ""yes.""
just to get us to laugh, he'd say ""yup!""
"
"as my boss says i'm up for a raise,
i fall under his lecherous gaze.
though the pay hike is great,
it will mean ""working late.""
situations like this cut both ways.
"
"many comics are rich, heaven knows,
but they all cut their teeth doing shows
for no pay. sure, it bites
working open mike nights,
but the pay is the least of their woes.
"
"""i came home a bit early today
to find rita, my wife, in the hay
with nathaniel and lou.
tell me, what should i do?""
""cut your losses and just walk away.""
"
"""we have got to cut back on production!""
was top management's urgent instruction.
let one pinto explode
for each ten on the road
and demand undergoes great reduction.
"
"""in preparing your car,"" said the master,
""any weight you don't need spells disaster.
the back seat? take it out!
you'll be lighter, no doubt.
when a racecar's cut down, it goes faster.""
"
"here's an odd definition: desparple
means ""to scatter"" or else ""to disparkle.""
it's an obsolete word
in new poems seldom heard
because nothing on earth really rhymes with it.
"
"dawn cuts grease; it's as simple as that.
wash your dishes in ten minutes flat,
leaving more time for fun.
how's this miracle done?
grease dissolves when you break down the fat.
"
"i'm depressed, so i'm hitting the booze.
shots of gin with beer chasers i choose.
i black out without fail.
when i wake, i'm in jail.
it's a poor way to chase away blues.
"
"""millions killed in a meteor shower;
all the milk in the world has gone sour;
bush's daughters are males.
we'll have all the details
at the bottom, i'm told, of the hour.""
"
"max is not a bad writer inherently.
he just likes to be different, apparently:
eight-line limericks with rhymes
that are absolute crimes.
seems his goal is to write them aberrantly.
"
"at st. mary's, i tried to be tactful
as i preached, since the pews were all packed full
of the deeply devout:
""please, your boob's hanging out,
sister anne, and it's highly distractful.""
"
"ten paid murders are taking their toll.
am i getting too old for this role?
it seems lately the screams
of my victims, in dreams,
will diverberate straight through my soul.
"
"""here's an offer that's truly sublime:
for one-tenth of a dollar, a rhyme.
it's for purple!"" i'm broke
and too rushed, so i joke,
""sorry, buddy, i don't have the dime.""
"
"today's lyrics? i'd say they're a bore.
how i yearn for the love songs of yore.
""a dead skunk's in the road,
and it stinks,"" went one ode.
(they don't write 'em like that anymore!)
"
"on the left is canadian bacon.
on the right, lightly stirred but not shaken:
james bond's favorite drink.
they're quite different, i think.
their distinctness can not be mistaken.
"
"i announced to my pharmacist, ""pete,
a depletory, thank you, toot sweet!
give me two, just in case,
since the hair on the face
of my girlfriend she'd like to deplete.""
"
"with height that no smoking could hinder,
as tall as a second floor winder,
was a pro basket maker,
that skyhooking laker,
the best of them all ? kareem abdul-jabbar!
"
"whimpers cyberphobe frank from tangiers:
""cut-and-pasting is one of my fears.
block some text?cut it out?
kids can do it, no doubt,
but from that point, the stuff disappears!""
"
"true, the ""world's greatest orator"" label
was all that he brought to the table.
after loss number three,
for another run he
said, ""i'm ready and willing and able!""
"
"kit carson, frontiersman, had grit.
and as indian fighter? a hit!
he would make a good wage
being brought on the stage
by a sidekick who bellowed, ""heeeeeeeeeere's kit!""
"
"as a species, we're digenous, true,
but i bet that i'm less so than you.
i shoot blanks now, you know,
since three decades ago
i was ""fixed"" (a wise move, in my view).
"
"you say hubby's too tired to do it?
take this nightgown. relax?nothin' to it!
its diaphaneity
will prompt spontaneity
and lust. even blind men see through it!
"
"demi-island: what some people call
a peninsula, massive or small.
but forget about ""demi-""
or ""partial"" or ""semi-.""
it isn't an island at all!
"
"this triangular circuit has three
different parts, electricians agree.
to some it's perfection,
the delta connection:
the lovers, the dreamers, and me.
"
"""i don't wish to appear too contralrian,
but i just don't accept dictionalrian
as an actual word
since that 'l' is absurd!""
so says laulra the local libralrian.
"
"there is no need to be prolegomenous.
the word only seems to sound ominous.
if you've got a huge belly
like a big bag of jelly
in a word, it is clear, you're abdominous.
"
"if, during the course of lovemaking,
your paramour's heart you are breaking
and some other guy
comes and catches her eye,
well then this is the seat you'll be taking.
"
"this word is not hard to define.
its use (nowadays in decline)
for ""old"" is depicted
and often restricted
to drunks and the song ""auld lang syne.""
"
"bush declared, ""the u.s. has the means
to bring help to those heart-wrenching scenes
out in burma, say i,""
but the cynics reply,
""yeah, we saw how you helped new orleans!""
"
"we're a punk band. we're called lizzie borden.
i'm percussion; on keyboards is gordon.
alexander, our star,
plays electric guitar,
and then mike strums a mean decachordon.
"
"divineresses (damn hard to say!)
are like so many women today:
when compared to their pals
the diviners, these gals
will work harder for not as much pay.
"
"""i'm just passing along my regards
now your husband's been shot by the guards.
since he's dead now (tee-hee!)
he gets out of jail free!""
(new from hallmark: dissympathy cards.)
"
"dissolution of marriage: a phrase
that implies you have seen better days.
while a term like divorce
may seem harsher, of course,
they're the same in all meaningful ways.
"
"says coach walker, ""the cheerleaders seem
to think lust is a suitable theme.
at basketball practice,
i find them distractious.
i'd rather watch them than the team!""
"
"she was balding and stood six foot eight.
her enjoyment of garlic was great.
though i put up a fight,
i was ravished that night.
disadventure, thy name is ""blind date""!
"
"if you're troubled by mites and by ticks
in your home, a reliable fix
is to purchase today
an acaricide spray.
(either that or move out of the sticks!)
"
"dissatisfaction is what you might feel
at the end of a poorly cooked meal,
or when you discover
the ring from your lover
was made with a stone that's not real.
"
"there's a movie producer who's smashless,
so for years he's been chronically cashless.
he wears clothes from goodwill
(being poor is a skill),
but embarrassed? hell, no! he's abashless.
"
"when you speak of arroz, meaning ""rice,""
let me offer some simple advice:
that's castilian you use,
so try not to confuse
it with spanish, a term imprecise.
"
"""absquatulation? decamp? oh, what rot!
stand your ground like a man and be shot!""
but i'm sorry to say
we retreated that day
for a safer location to squat.
"
"i deliberately started a fight
with my wife. we were brawling all night.
i had said, ""it's a pity yer
sister is prettier.""
provoking? you bet! but i'm right.
"
"the abordage was well underway
as the pirates swarmed over that day.
one said, ""arrrr! it's no prank.
ye be walkin' the plank!""
i thought, ""wonderful?death by clich?.""
"
"clearly ages through time have been various.
there's of reason, of consent, of aquarius.
the first's intellectual,
the second is sexual,
and the last is, quite frankly, hilarious.
"
"acceleration makes rates proceed faster,
as when trained in less time by a master
'cause you're suitably bright,
though when driving at night
it's a way of inviting disaster.
"
"an accessory!  such is my curse!
i'm a frill, unimportant, or worse.
but wait!  don't think i'm
somehow tied up with crime.
i'm a cute little ralph lauren purse.
"
"when a word turns archaic, it's placed
in the trash by some folks. what a waste!
still, no word that i see
is too ancient for me.
guess there's just no accompting for taste.
"
"as a millionaire playboy, he drinks
(quite excessively, everyone thinks).
you call arthur ""just fair""?
well then, i'd say your flair
for reviewing fine cinema stinks!
"
"a disputison? that's a dispute
and discussion combined. ain't that cute?
should we use this word more?
it's archaic, therefore
this disputison's probably moot.
"
"louie sneered and then spat with disgust:
""a bust in the mouth, i would trust,
you don't want."" i replied,
just a little bit snide,
""that depends, i suppose, on the bust.""
"
"my twin brother looks 20 years old.
i look 50 and covered in mold.
""an adonis!"" he's called,
with blond hair. (i am bald.)
the dissemblance is striking, we're told.
"
"the cut called culebra began
in the days when the french had a plan
for a sea-level route
to be dug, a pursuit
that brought misery to many a man.
"
"said lance corporal dupree of the corps:
""the marines have prepared me for war
in a physical sense,
but the pressure's intense.
i just can't cut the strain anymore.""
"
"true, the suspect's a jerk and a goof,
and when questioned he's strangely aloof,
but to bust him for pot,
that's not helpful a lot.
what we need is definitive proof.
"
"the police in my town have their nerve!
if you're sharp, every day you'll observe
folks they hurt, bribes they take,
dirty deals they will make.
seems their motto's ""neglect and disserve.""
"
"my penmanship teacher's offended
since my copybook's text recommended:
""make a capital q
like a big number 2,""
so i did. now my butt is suspended!
"
"in a cult (take this website, ideally)
of personality, members give freely
of their talent and time
to their chief. that's why i'm
like a god to my staff. (...no, not really.)
"
"""to decant means 'pour out.' so far, fine,
but please answer this question of mine.
can that word play this role:
'i decanted my soul'?""
""no, it can't, since your soul isn't wine.""
"
"if your home is as hot as can be,
but you're frugal as hell, be like me:
walk around in the nude
and disponge yourself, dude!
there's no need to turn on the ac.
"
"while a frenchman might cry ""ooh, la la!""
and a german respond with a ""ja!""
at the sight of a breast,
when we yanks are impressed,
we emit a soft, lingering ""...ahhhhh!""
"
"""it's so cold out today."" ""no, it's hot.""
""it's 12:10."" ""no, it's noon on the dot.""
""jill's a babe."" ""she's a cow.""
""i just can't believe how
disputatious you are."" ""no, i'm not!""
"
"sarah palin does not drive real slow
and was clocked as a speeder and so
she was stopped. she said, ""damn!
don't you know who i am?""
but the cop simply smiled and said, ""no.""

then he looked once again and said, ""say,
i have stopped someone famous today!
in the recent election,
your work was perfection!
it's an honor to meet you, ms fey!""
"
"we were naked. said she: ""why delay so?
and your lust?why's it fading away so?""
she had hair on her back
and she smelled like a yak.
was the feeling displeasant? i'd say so.
"
"a millionaire spendthrift declares,
""here's my plan: have outrageous affairs,
be the envy of men,
blow my fortune, and then,
when i die, disprovide for my heirs!""
"
"crest syndrome?the news can be crushing,
as off to the experts you're rushing.
if this happens to you,
it has nothing to do
with the way that you're flossing or brushing.
"
"use alligator bait and, in short,
your sick humor i'll never support.
that's just racism, true,
but it's child abuse too,
of the ugliest, most extreme sort.
"
"does our threesome disgrade us? it does!
but i said, ""boss, you're lucky because,
to the best of my knowledge,
your daughter's at college.
this could have been worse than it was!""
"
"should dermestes come into your house,
you'll have definite reason to grouse
since these beetles will eat
every kitchen-based treat,
then start in on your jacket or blouse.
"
"don't know why sir george back found it pleasing
to explore where the summers are freezing.
were i in his crew,
i would be the guy who
would be bitching and wheezing and sneezing.
"
"for us all, dr. abernathy tried
to sweep segregation aside.
the civil rights movement
brought all lives improvement,
not just in the states, but worldwide.
"
"i announced, ""there's confliction ahead,""
to my class, but miss zapherson said,
""this confliction's absurd!
why, it's barely a word.
i suggest you use conflict instead.""
"
"you're about to take part in a quarrel
with friends who are highly immoral.
through daphnomancy,* i
see that someone will die.
*divination by means of the laurel
"
"what's a child of a chink and a honky?
mate the words and you come up with chonky.
if you're likely to dis
using language like this,
you're a word that can also mean donkey.
"
"if it's sewage you've got in a flood,
nip that smell problem right in the bud!
the process, you see,
is a snap: a b c.
mix in alum and charcoal and blood?!
"
"the very first word here is a.
it's used with a noun to convey
a singular notion
like ""a duck"" or ""a potion""
or top notch as when used in ""grade a.""
"
"claimed a murderer, found to kill serially,
""i hate germs; i work anti-bacterially.
with a sterilized knife
i will cut short your life,
as your blood spurts and gushes arterially.""
"
"disassent, as a word, is too fat.
it's a flaw that we ought to combat.
drop the ""a"" and the ""s""
from the middle and, yes,
you are left with dissent and that's that.
"
"your departure has left me bereft,
and my shrink (who is normally deft
when it comes to depression)
said, ""screw her discession!
dis session is over,"" and left.
"
"what the hell do you think you are doing?
that's tobacco (good lord!) you are chewing?
i do not want your kisses
since, gloria, this is
disconducive to billing and cooing!
"
"abnormalism?what does that mean?
it's a purple or sky-blue green bean.
it's a six-fingered glove,
or a war-loving dove,
or a muscle-bound man named eileen.
"
"mister rogers conveyed saccharinity,
but possessed for big words no affinity.
i'd have had the guy say:
""it's a beautiful day
in the"" (this would be new) ""convicinity.""
"
"he seems nice, and i'd like to befriend him,
and i'm sure he has fans who'd defend him,
but his comedy stinks
(that's what this critic thinks),
so, i'm sorry, i must discommend him.
"
"just last month i insured auntie nell.
now i'll disinsure nelly as well:
wax her stairs, cut her brakes,
do whatever it takes
to consign that old biddy to hell.
"
"""what's the state of my birth? old dominion.
born and bred, i'm a loyal virginian.""
""no, you're not! that means maine.""
(is this bimbo insane?)
""that's a difference,"" i smile, ""of opinion.""
"
"our band cut a record: let's waltz!
once recorded, its numerous faults
couldn't help but unsettle:
the band's heavy metal!
our fans don't appreciate schmaltz.
"
"as a greasy-haired teenager, muffy
saw an ad: ""don't be flat?go to fluffy!""
since girls in this era
all idolized farrah,
they wanted their hair big and puffy.
"
"""a domestic?"" our maid used to say.
""what a crock! no, siree! ain't no way!
just one thing about me
is domestic,"" said she.
""i was born in the u. s. of a.!""
"
"my dear daughter had asked me to meet
her new boyfriend, a felon named pete.
he hides knives in his shoes
and sports nazi tattoos.
my dissettlement now is complete.
"
"dissimilarity's rampant between us!
i'm as ugly as sin; you're a venus.
you like bach; i like punk.
you're a saint; i'm a drunk,
and just one of us (me) has a penis.
"
"i was slain by a knight who that day
chopped my limbs off, a gory display.
to my widow, i'm told,
he gave silver and gold,
saying, ""here?his disseverance pay.""
"
"the divinatory speech by my boss
made me think, ""is this guy on the sauce?""
he predicted world peace
and that hatred would cease.
as a prophet, this guy was a loss.
"
"""you divaricator! damn you to hell!""
i'm a muscle that opens the shell
of a brachiopod?
how remarkably odd
of an insult for someone to yell.
"
"early critics were prone to malign
a young actor named andy devine.
even buddies would say,
""him, successful? no way!""
for his voice was a high, raspy whine.
"
"a huge ax to the breastbone killed quinn.
seven bullets offed alfred, his twin.
cancer later claimed clyde,
so ab intra he died.
he was killed, as it were, from within.
"
"many people debate over dinner
famous author (deceased) doctor skinner:
""pigeons cannot portray
mankind's psyche today.
never label bizarre skinner winner.""
"
"in the streets, i'm a big wrestling fan
of the type where few tactics we ban.
biting? gouging? allowed
since they stir up the crowd.
greco-roman? no, catch-as-catch-can.
"
"disinsection is done, we maintain,
with the passengers still on the plane
so that bugs on your person
won't make our health worsen.
don't like it? next time take the train!
"
"ingenuity shows that you're clever,
but disingenuity? never!
go ahead?take a guess.
""disingenuousness""
is the best definition, however.
"
"it's more than the sound of a schwa?
though not as robust as ""aha!""?
and often expressed
at the sight of a breast
when a lip-licking infant says, ""ahhhhh!""
"
"at ten months, i was saying ""agoo.""
how precocious! i already knew
of this philippine town
of substantial renown
as a spot merchant ships would pass through.
"
"i lusted for fortune and fame
in the poetry publishing game.
i wrote of a bucket
and a man from nantucket,
dishonestly signing my name.
"
"drunken drivers, i'm warning you now!
hurt my grandsons and this i avow:
i will never forgive you.
in fact, i'll dislive you
as quickly as fate will allow.
"
"if your home is infested, you need
a good disinfestation, agreed?
if it's flies, you should spray.
if it's mice, i would say
purchase 200 cats with all speed.
"
"""while i'm gone, will you miss me acutely?""
""absotively!"" she said. ""not minutely.""
""that first term that i heard...
is it even a word?""
she just grinned and replied, ""posilutely!""
"
"""i'm upset with reports i have read,""
don vincente displeasedly said.
""it is clear your work sucks.""
i was fined fifty bucks,
then he shot me three times in the head.
"
"our steward was odd?one of those
using humor wherever he goes.
although not the right gender,
when i called, ""hey, dispender!""
his response was to take off his clothes.
"
"john, the captain, has crankness to spare,
but then so does his boat, so take care!
in the man, it's good health,
in the ship, loss of wealth
if the damn thing tips over somewhere.
"
"there once was a time in berlin
when, dividually (minus the in-),
all the land, sad but true,
was divided in two,
thus disjoining the closest of kin.
"
"""for one glimpse of my body,"" brags peg,
""don has offered an arm and a leg!""
""oh, just show it to him!
there's no need to dislimb
your own husband?why make the guy beg?""
"
"""is this cat on a bicycle here
from the '50s, some hipster?"" you sneer.
no, it's really a cat
and it's obvious that
it can't pedal it, let alone steer.
"
"""do i look any different of late?""
asked my wife, though she always looks great.
she had newly cut hair,
but i didn't look there.
""let me guess. are you putting on weight?""
"
"soon my uncle will cut back his trees
so that branches aren't all that he sees.
exhibitionist joan,
in her bedroom alone,
is as naked and fine as you please.
"
"desert four o'clocks: flowers you'll see
growing wild in the sand. evening's key
to their blooms, soft and pink,
and much nicer, i think,
than the mountaintop quarter-to-three.
"
"from her deep-eyed appearance, it's clear
she's been dead now for almost a year.
i can not look away
since i know that, some day,
this is just how i too will appear.
"
"the injury known as degloving
is one that no victim is loving.
belts and pulleys can grab
subcutaneous flab,
so you factory workers? no shoving!
"
"before pamela anderson ran
down the beach in slo-mo, she began
her career on tv
as a 38-d
blonde and sumptuous tim allen fan.
"
"for the hippie, the future looked dim.
said the redneck, ""your hair needs a trim.
i am sure you'll concur
you'll look less like a her,
when i cut it, and more like a him.""
"
"captain bentley has been discommissioned.
as a private, he's now repositioned.
having thus walked the plank,
to a life of low rank
he will have to become reconditioned.
"
"cut the grass twice a month? no big deal.
it's a snap, and my lawn has appeal.
but when farmers cut grain,
that's one hell of a strain.
the amount of hard work is unreal!
"
"i was startled! my knees turned to water.
""disembossom yourself from my daughter!!
take your hands from her breasts
and, although she protests,
reinstate that nice bra that i bought her!""
"
"for ""ms right"" i am eagerly waiting,
though my parkinson's still unabating.
i've got shingles and mumps
and some unexplained lumps.
(my diseasefulness keeps me from dating.)
"
"disenshrouded, her veil hits the floor,
and the zombie wears clothing no more.
though she's shuffling my way
in the nude, i must say
that i think she looked better before.
"
"whispered bev in a beauty salon:
""though i'm dating don, john, and yvonne,
i'm so bored i could scream.
what's my ultimate dream?
disembarrass myself and move on!""
"
"""would you fancy a soft drink on ice?""
""i'd disfancy some overcooked rice
on a slice of stale bread
topped with maggots,"" i said,
""but a cold lemonade would be nice!""
"
"disepalous means ""having two
in the sepal department,"" sue knew.
she's a botany whiz.
on a recent pop quiz,
""it's two-sepaled"" she answered with ""true.""
"
"disfavorable notices followed
the debut of the play becky swallowed:
""it's a bomb, through and through.""
""an intense stinkeroo!""
""a deep sty in which cast members wallowed.""
"
"can i still keep my job as a dancer?
is it stress, doc, or could it be cancer?
will i live? will i die?
tell me something since i
dearly need a diffinitive answer.
"
"my chances for tenderly teaming
with britney, despite my best scheming,
start off at quite dismal
then range to abysmal.
(thank god there's no law against dreaming.)
"
"i've learned abrin's a poison you'll see
in the seeds of the rosary pea.
they pose a great threat ?
if you eat some please get
to a hospital a. s. a. p.
"
"abrazitic's a word (this is no hype)
with a meaning sublime (it is so ripe).
it's defined, i am guessing,
as ""not effervescing
when melted before the damn blowpipe.""
"
"this project is daunting, no doubt.
let's hope we don't wane or burn out
since the simple reality
is true immortality
is what all this writing's about.
"
"dissolution of marriage? of course.
you were right to be seeking divorce
if what followed ""i do""
was a steady tattoo
of disharmony, tears, and remorse.
"
"dissymmetry: things lacking grace,
like both eyes on one side of my face.
what had bothered my ma so,
inspired picasso.
my portrait's all over the place!
"
"to young ladies, i'd just like to say
that you have to be careful today.
do what each guy suggests
and then millions of ""guests""
will be on their dissemenative way.
"
"the mob's victim was grabbed, his face ashen,
and he then looked like absolute trash in
velvet bell-bottoms, lace,
and pink clogs?a disgrace!
the responsible word was disfashion.
"
"the discriminator sees someone's black,
and he murmurs some ignorant crack.
though the hopeful may say
we're not racist today,
sneers this ill-mannered thug, ""i'll be back.""
"
"acyanoblepsia? you?
you have problems distinguishing hue?
but that seems such a crime?
and your art is sublime!
are you sure that you can't discern blue?
"
"there's just no other greater depressant
than a mouthful of something putrescent.
you think it's ok
but you swig it and say,
""holy moley, this milk is acescent!""
"
"it's been years since my last lover, jenny.
and prospects since then? not that many.
it's clear ""satisfaction""
and ""younger"" and ""action""
are three things i'm not getting any.
"
"your thighs, as the x-rays have shown,
have been busted. the cause is well known.
no ifs, ands, or buts,
i'd say god hates your guts.
(or perhaps you're just accident prone.)
"
"adjuration's a word that's ideal
for describing an earnest appeal,
the kind, truth to tell,
that is solemn as well,
not to mention both heartfelt and real.
"
"with numbers, my dad was adept.
every challenge he'd gladly accept.
with geometry, say,
he'd solve problems all day,
then quadratics at night as he slept.
"
"musicians, it's been my impression,
use ad libitum as an expression.
if you major in voice
or if oboe's your choice,
it will mean ""at the player's discretion.""
"
"there is only one way to advance
when it comes to the world of romance:
you can't be afraid
of past errors you've made,
so be bold. shoot the works! take a chance!
"
"with an r! and an f! and an a!,
this limerick is well on its way
to approval. ""it's cute,
and line one is a beaut!""
all the editors cheerily say.
"
"first there's rocky, then ii, iii, and iv,
and then v for those fans who want more.
last there's rocky balboa.
i swear i don't know a
consection that's more of a bore.
"
"we're told adam and eve had it swell
in the garden, then bade it farewell.
today they would not
be much trouble to spot?
no navels and naked as hell.
"
"if the character trait most pervasive
in your life's that you're seldom evasive
in the way that you speak
(you're an honesty freak),
it's a cinch you'll be labeled abrasive.
"
"in writing a limerick, i've stated
on meaning i'm often fixated.
i notice that aerosol
rhymes well with parasol.
too bad that they're so unrelated.
"
"adlittoral means nothing more
than the water that's nearest the shore.
when kids are there playing,
to parents i'm saying
their safety you cannot ignore!
"
"the afterlife, preachers know well,
waits for all good and bad personnel.
my eternal endeavor?
i'll write limericks forever!
(but will that be heaven or hell?)
"
"i'm not asking for much compensation,
no car or some lavish vacation,
for the limericks i sire.
i just want to inspire
profound unconfined adulation.
"
"the word in the doctor's report,
acrochordon, just caused me to snort.
terms needlessly vague
should be dodged like the plague.
it's a hard and elongated wart.
"
"""you're a liar!"" ""i'm not! i'm inventive.""
""i like order."" ""you're anal retentive!""
""you are wrong!"" ""no, i'm right!""
we could argue all night,
yet agree on one thing: we're dissentive.
"
"i asked louis, ""where do you suppose
the term coon-ass for cajun arose?""
though i thought him a sage in
all elements cajun,
he shrugged and said, ""god only knows.""
"
"disleaf: that's to strip from a tree
all the leaves that you'd normally see.
to disleave more or less
a whole oak, i would guess
a huge family of bugs you must be.
"
"abidjan's happy leaders had reckoned
abu dhabi's execs should be beckoned:
""we're so proud we could burst
that our city is first,
and you pitiful losers are second!""
"
"abitibi's a lake anglers say
that they love out ontario way,
though it's shared by quebec.
i think someone should check:
might one half of the fish speak fran?ais?
"
"when a color's chromatic, they say
it's defined as ""with hue."" well, ok...
it's ""a color with hue""?
i reply, ""whoop-de-do!""
(what they mean is not black, white, or gray.)
"
"brother joseph, you're hereby disfriared:
from your job at our church, you are fired.
you're a chicken?too meek!
better work you should seek
and perhaps as a baker be hired.
"
"i asked, ""mother, just how does a guy know
if it's right to call calvin 'albino'?
we're both black, but it's clear
he's much lighter."" ""my dear,""
she said, ""think for yourself. what do i know?""
"
"to discradle a baby, no doubt,
you can guess means ""to take the kid out.""
when disrocked to dissleep,
did he make a dispeep?
(what the heck's all this ""dis-"" stuff about?!)
"
"it's damageable, lady, beware!
that's my heart that you're messin' with there.
it's been broken before,
yet it's yearning once more,
and it's yours if you like, but take care!
"
"""in the case of a frontal attack,""
said a thoroughly drunk jacques chirac,
""just dispose of our foes
out in front.  heaven knows,
don't you worry, chris, i've got your back!""
"
"""beads and trinkets!"" he spat with disgust.
""i concede all the funds in our trust,
plus the house and the car,
and my fender guitar,
and then i get the dog? that's unjust!""
"
"i will only date cops, customarily.
this leaves nothing to chance, ordinarily.
am i acting too warily?
am i unnecessarily
strict? should i date arbitrarily?
"
"when lines intersect they produce
many angles. from these we deduce
each one's size, if we're able,
then give them the label
of right or acute or obtuse.
"
"you've declared your own personal war on
""the abies."" invective you pour on.
using abe, your attacks
show a couple of facts:
one, he's jewish, and, two, you're a moron.
"
"agrippina the elder? well, she
had been born 'round 14 b.c.e.,
and was toast of the town.
that caligula clown
was her son, the well-known debauchee.
"
"the word affect, a noun, may belong
in a sentence where feeling is strong.
but should brain-dead execs
use the term side affects,
it's a cinch that they're using it wrong.
"
"i'm swearing by all that is holy
i'd kill for the sauce called aioli.
it's non sequitur day
so allow me to say:
""leave the pistol, but take the cannoli.""
"
"you say he's agastric, your pal?
that has got to be tough on morale.
all normal digestion
is out of the question
with no alimentary canal.
"
"the word aged, with one syllable please,
is a term that is meant to appease.
it's a tribute, i trust,
meaning ""strong"" or ""robust.""
(that's assuming you're some kind of cheese!)
"
"cried great-gramma, ""lord, what can i do?
i pull muscles just tying my shoe!
my body, once agile,
is now so damn fragile.
just wait?it'll happen to you.""
"
"acatalectic means a pattern's complete,
like a line with just so many feet.
in a poem, i should stress,
nothing more, nothing less,
is my goal except for those times when i've spent the entire previous night reading ogden nash causing me to explain to shocked on-lookers the next day, ""it's not a run-on sentence ? it's an homage!"" to which they respond, ""oh my, yes, well isn't that sweet!""
"
"if your rolls doesn't leave the gals sighing,
my friend, i suspect you're not trying.
their resolve won't collapse
dropping acid.  perhaps
it's old hooky you should be applying.
"
"the pilot was fearful about
safety problems he noted throughout
his whole plane, but right now
it is airborne somehow,
its airworthiness highly in doubt.
"
"waging war against satan aggressively,
there is no way to do it excessively.
the effort that's spent
can't be 50 percent.
you will not beat him manic-depressively.
"
"roald amundsen found the world's bottom.
and his huskies?  he never forgot 'em.
with the group that he led,
scott took horses instead,
but they didn't work out, so he shot 'em.
"
"""becky, how do you want the cds?""
she replied, ""ditrichotomous, please.""
said our dad, intervening,
""your sister is meaning:
in groups of some twos and some threes.""
"
"a dishonest attorney i knew
wanted work, so he said i should sue.
i was filled with disgust
and said, ""why should i trust
a damn ambulance chaser like you?""
"
"i am snakebit while taking a hike.
i sail over a cliff on my bike.
i am shot in the rear.
it's abundantly clear
that my guardian angel's on strike.
"
"the term (chiefly british) air screw
means a ""prop"" to a u.s. aircrew.
when it spins, it's no fun
should you walk into one.
please avoid this whatever you do.
"
"the amazon river will swell
when the weather is rainy as hell,
and then up to the skies
thirty feet it will rise,
plus it might be the longest as well.
"
"it's a feeling of dark apprehension
accompanied often by tension
and irrational rants:
""i've got angst in my pants!""
and other rude things i won't mention.
"
"anabatic refers to the rush
of the air lifting eagle or thrush,
or that windy express
raising marilyn's dress
as it made joe dimaggio blush.
"
"jimmy dean, though deceased, still lives on
in a song he co-wrote: ""big bad john.""
he made country hearts throb,
gave a muppet a job,
and sold sausage from here to taiwan.
"
"when younger, my writing would stink so.
that's the reason i'd frequently drink so.
""double-check it,"" they'd say.
i'm much better today.
does this need a review? i dont think so.
"
"why have peter, a pot-smoking newbie,
guard the fabulous pasterfield ruby?
it was put on display,
and the very first day
it was swiped. (pete was tokin' a doobie.)
"
"a dp is the sort who might say,
""from my home i've been driven away
as a war escapee.""
then again, it might be
when two guys are both out on one play.
"
"you eloped with your slovenly beau
even though i distinctly said no.
down the road a few years
i see heartbreak and tears,
yet i pray it will never be so.
"
"ineffectual? weak? yeah, that's chip.
eating out, he refuses to tip.
leaky faucets agree
he's as dull as can be.
hear them label this guy: ""drip! drip! drip!""
"
"""my objective? defining abjective,""
said dee fective, a language detective.
her reflective perspective:
""at degrading, effective,
with subjective infective invective.""
"
"this par 5 was quite easy for me.
double birdie?i made it in three!
double bogey, you say?
well, this isn't your day:
seven strokes to the hole from the tee.
"
"our mayor's a man of renown
who insists upon wearing a crown,
ermine robe, diamond rings,
all extravagant things.
yes, he cuts a wide swath in this town.
"
"bamboo harvester, experts have said,
was the horse who portrayed ""mister ed.""
but to some there's a mystery
concerning his history:
how long has this actor been dead?
"
"the young jockey on irony's mother
was dq'ed for good reason?oh, brother!
from the race he was canned
with his whip in one hand
and an ice cream cone clutched in the other.
"
"""this limerick is brilliant! what's more,
all the editors think it's top drawer.
when we publish your gem
we've decided we're cutting line 4.""
"
"say hello to my friend al capone.
that's a term by which heroin's known.
with your veins full of horse,
you'll be flying.  of course,
before long, all you have i will own.
"
"there's this old guy who claims he's a knight.
and his speech? an archaic delight.
though it's all a huge act,
it's contagious, in fact.
is he rich? well, he doeth all right.
"
"the speaker, about to conclude,
said my dad was both evil and shrewd.
on my father's behalf,
i stood up and yelled, ""draff!""
because ""hogwash!"" i felt would be rude.
"
"i had suffered a wedding day blitz.
first i woke with a face full of zits.
then instead of ""i do,""
my sweet bride said, ""we're through.""
double whammies like that are the pits!
"
"the republican sings in the key
of c only. the democrat? d.
when together in song
(or debate), something's wrong.
disharmonious always they'll be.
"
"a tornado in town represents
an unfortunate turn of events.
newly homeless: ""we're sad.
under canvas, life's bad!""
(how ironic that term means ""intense."")
"
"mrs boris, a gal named dolores,
beat the pants off the chump, bigmouth morris,
and quite literally, too.
thursday night, all askew,
morris lay there half naked before us.
"
"""i am anxious to go to the zoo!""
said my date. she was wrong, though, i knew.
she feared bison, bears, lynx,
ducks, giraffes, minks, and skinks.
(it turns out what she'd told me was true!)
"
"baby's death was an accident, purely.
you did not lock the pool up securely.
when it's all said and done,
this is not murder one,
though it's criminal negligence, surely.
"
"sneered my ?mate, ""hey, ?foot! make tracks!
you are ? out ?-chested, face facts!
he would ?ly call out,
""you're a ?ulent lout,""
among other un?tering cracks.
"
"in five lines, not one more nor one less,
what's definable? can one express
a word's meaning today,
what it's meant to convey?
i would say that the answer is yes.
"
"there's a word i encountered online
that i'd like to define. it's diffine:
to take words and explain
what they mean, in the main.
(it's a personal hobby of mine.)
"
"so she's looking askance at my gut
when she says to me, ""chris, you know what?""
i say, ""what?"" and she grins,
""are you carrying twins?""
and i thought to myself, ""what a cut!""
"
"if a substance is dauby, in theory,
you're probably best to be leery.
it's adhesive as hell,
not to mention as well
that it's glutinous, viscous, and smeary.
"
"for this crate full of money, i'm grateful.
how i love getting cash by the crateful!
when the news hits the city
i'm wealthy, i'm pretty
damn sure that my life will be dateful.
"
"cloven-footed, the actor tom cruise
hears from fans: ""your damned life is a ruse!""
""styx and stones!"" he replies,
yet he never denies
it is hell finding comfortable shoes.
"
"my proposal was clearly explainable,
since the money i'm due's unobtainable,
and the debtor, named claire,
has a sumptuous pair;
but the judge ruled her breasts weren't distrainable.
"
"i really should cut down on  sweets.
i'm beginning to take up two seats!
with success guaranteed,
i've been ordered to feed
on just celery, fish oil, and beets.
"
"revolution? the world went berserk!
former masters, though, asked with a smirk,
""with the slaves now in charge,
one prime question looms large:
in doulocracies who does the work?""
"
"i put freshly cut grass in my soup
so my chlorophyll levels won't droop.
there are benefits three:
my nice lawn, as you see,
lots of vitamin g, and green poop.
"
"sam the smuggler did not have a chance
with his awkward, inelegant stance.
his disposure that day
is what gave him away.
twelve live lobsters were found in his pants.
"
"back when ""kah-noo-way"" made its debut,
i had said (and i bet you did too):
""though the scent is audacious,
the name's ostentatious.
i think i'll just call it kuh-noo.""
"
"don't look (since it isn't polite)
a gift horse (my friends are too tight
to give ponies away,
but yours might, one fine day)
in the mouth. (and besides, it might bite.)
"
"subject a takes a personal oath
he will fight to curb crime's evil growth.
subject b's a big pot.
looks like copper? it's not.
which one's copperish: a, b, or both?
"
"at a steakhouse, you always should get a cut
like a filet mignon or some betta cut.
that's what yanks understand
about beef in the grand
constitution state (that is, connecticut).
"
"consummately, that is how clyde
pledged to consummate vows with his bride.
but his consummate skill?
it amounted to nil
as a virgin and gay, but he tried.
"
"an absentee landlord's the guy
you can't find when your flat's gone awry.
you need help in a hurry?
no plumbing?  don't worry,
for the rent he'll show up by and by.
"
"the a. f. of l. - c. i. o.
says a union's the right way to go.
but wal-mart is pissed
and its leaders insist
they're not needed. (but what would they know?)
"
"""let's see terms of endearment. reviews're
real good."" i can never refuse her.
well, i cried and i cried
while she sat there dry-eyed,
so i looked like the world's biggest loser.
"
"all deities i had denied,
and i let my church membership slide.
i wanted to be
just an atheist, see?
but i failed. (...although god knows i tried!)
"
"the alphabet called aramaic
no longer is used. it's archaic.
although useful before,
it's a footnote, no more,
in our history of language mosaic.
"
"in alamogordo there's sand
that is covering most of the land
and a graveyard (atari)
and ham's there, but sorry
he's dead (although still in demand).
"
"special k, frosted mini-wheats, trix,
fruity pebbles, life, cheerios, kix,
total raisin bran, quisp
cap'n crunch, sugar crisp:
all dry cereals. which are your picks?
"
"for this challenge i wasn't prepared,
but i couldn't say i was ascared.
so i swam thompson's creek,
though it made me feel weak.
after all, i'd been double-dog-dared!
"
"my lover and i are not saints,
and we live our lives free of restraints.
our arrangement says we
to see others are free,
so we're happy and have no complaints.
"
"the metalhead music was laudable.
in fact, it was truly applaudable.
the band were all drugged
and their amps were unplugged,
so the music was wholly inaudible.
"
"my republican friends are all spry.
they claim bush is one hell of a guy.
they say, ""don't hold on fast
to your liberal past.
get on board!""  (yeah, as soon as pigs fly.)
"
"well, she could be much smarter and thinner.
she resembles, a bit, b. f. skinner.
her style's not the latest,
her breath's not the greatest,
but aside from all that, she's a winner.
"
"fifty scientists met in d.c.
to discuss acid rain.  they agree,
as they said from their summit:
""no good will come from it.
acid rainbows you ain't gonna see!""
"
"stomach acids are awfully strong,
but they're fine if they're where they belong.
if you burp up a lot
to your throat then you've got
acid reflux: digestion gone wrong.
"
"my lover, a woman named june,
so gorgeous she makes grown men swoon,
presents a dilemma:
she wants me ack-emma,
but most days i sleep in till noon.
"
"the cops found a joint on my floor
and another stashed deep in a drawer.
you would think i'd go free.
lucky break? nope, not me,
though my bust was diarthric, no more.
"
"mary ann, you know well there's a name
folks will use to say, ""she is to blame.""
so go on, have your fun,
but recall you're the one
who'll be stuck with the ugly diffame.
"
"""although life in this pond is divine,""
a young catfish was heard to opine,
""every day without fail,
i'm receiving no mail.
why won't somebody drop me a line?""
"
"in a dream, i had found myself woken
where abkhaz-adyghean was spoken.
""southern russia?  i fear
i do not belong here.""
then i waltzed, though my legs were both broken.
"
"some people indulge in achar.
(no names, but you know who you are.)
it's an indian pickle
so pungent one lick'll
convince you it's choicest by far.
"
"does the drugster say, ""hey, i got weed,
lsd, pcp, coke, and speed,""
on the street corner? no,
it means ""druggist,"" although
this old word's obsolete, it's agreed.
"
"while campaigning, john ashcroft had said:
""vote for me!  my opponent is dead.""
but the voters said, ""we
do not like what we see,""
and elected the dead guy instead.
"
"with the word disannulment you'd guess
an annulment's been nullified, yes?
here the prefix would be
""to the utmost degree.""
what an odd thing for dis- to express!
"
"disencrese is now written decrease.
if you still use the former, please cease.
folks will update, i've heard,
this now-obsolete word
from your writing at two bucks apiece.
"
"what means most to a woman? the face
of her husband? a lover's embrace?
no, the words to a song
would suggest that you're wrong:
seems that diamonds come in at first place.
"
"defiliation: most horrid of crimes.
""lindbergh's baby is gone!"" screamed the times.
one can hardly express
lindy's heartsick distress
using only these short five-line rhymes.
"
"i approach the word adjutant warily.
it's a word meaning ""help,"" militarily.
meantime adjuvant's used
for ""an aid.""  i'm confused!
they're the same, but, well, not necessarily.
"
"on the beaches throughout vietnam
walks a bird with the haughty aplomb
of a general.  i credit
this tale since i read it
on adjutant_stork_news.com.
"
"thomas addison's primary fame?
the disease which now carries his name.
you become weak and thin,
with deficiencies in
your adrenal glands largely to blame.
"
"""i just don't understand what the play meant
when reynaldo was rending his raiment.""
""that character wept
'cause his bank won't accept
an additional principal payment.""
"
"is acne vulgaris a curse?
like regular acne but worse?
with pustules so bad,
worse than anyone's had?
no, it's actually quite the reverse.
"
"with acne conglobata, pus
comes from acne, with this awful plus:
many abscesses?bunches!
you're troubled, my hunch is.
can't blame you for making a fuss.
"
"the nra-trained volunteer
went to congress to make one thing clear.
to the senate, he pleaded:
""assault weapons are needed
by sportsmen who like to hunt deer.""
"
"an assault weapon's made, at its core,
as an instrument strictly for war.
""we may lose it, we fear,
in our quest to hunt deer.""
well, i'm sorry?that's not what it's for.
"
"her posture went visibly stiff
as if to say ""jump off a cliff!""
he had only suggested
an act she detested,
so she answered quite brusquely, ""as if!""
"
"""i'm putting you now on alert!""
i had to, at long last, assert.
""you've taken your fill
of three steaks from my grill,
but you're not getting squat for dessert!""
"
"let me state here with no ambiguity,
what we need is to have assiduity.
we must guard against fear,
not just this month or year,
but forever and in perpetuity.
"
"my departure?  i do think about it.
and faith?  i could not live without it.
i see me, life ending,
to heaven ascending.
(though the way that i'm living?  i doubt it.)
"
"the guy that my little girl marries,
a serious handicap carries.
if he hurts her, alas,
i will kick his damn ass
from down here all the way to antares!
"
"if ever the impulse should seize ya
some day to employ anesthesia
as a mode of abduction
or half-assed seduction,
i'll rip both yer arms off, ya sleaze, ya!
"
"the pool must be emptied. i'm straining
each muscle, though energy's waning.
there's no time to relax.
i may drop in my tracks.
this is clearly a job that is draining.
"
"well, ancestor worship is fine
if you come from a noteworthy line,
and your family tree features
the finest of creatures,
and not whores and horse thieves, like mine.
"
"i work for a huge corporation
where i suffer severe isolation.
while i cannot begrudge
how i'm paid, i'm a drudge.
this is affluent alienation.
"
"to the admiralty islands we flew,
but the reason for this?  no one knew.
then they said, ""here's the skinny:
they're north of new guinea.
we must take them to win world war ii.""
"
"he held a position unique,
and he came to our high school to speak.
his oration began:
""i'm the navy's top man.""
""well, that's admirable,"" said i, pun in cheek.
"
"""would you favor the banning of prose?""
was the question a pollster once chose.
of five hundred he polled
five said no, we are told,
eight were yesses, the rest were don't-knows.
"
"vietnam! man, this war really stinks!
every day, from the north, come the dinks.
these guerrillas, it's true,
are invisible, too.
it's no wonder that everyone drinks.
"
"there's new zealand, nepal, argentina,
fiji, bosnia-herzegovina,
spain, ukraine, the uk,
bangladesh, usa:
countries all in the world's great arena.
"
"a light drizzle was felt on the green:
not a rain, not a mist, in-between.
i can't play when it's wet.
how i'd love to forget
that par three where i shot a nineteen.
"
"arizona is shocking the nation
with new laws to control immigration.
if your skin is light brown,
don't be roaming around
without adequate documentation.
"
"""would i cuckoldize you, darling chris?""
said my wife, ""i could never do this!""
though we two are caucasian,
our kids all are asian.
i wonder.... is something amiss?
"
"in the '20s, my family were drys.
prohibitionists all, they'd advise:
""if we do without booze,
all our problems we'll lose,""
a prediction na?ve and unwise.
"
"your degree made you quickly employable
in a job you find highly enjoyable.
your good name keeps you there?
avoid slander; beware:
reputations are wholly destroyable.
"
"bababad-algha- (finnegans wake
has a word that, for length, takes the cake.)
raghta-kammin-arronn-
(lord, this word does go on!)
konnbronnton- (it can make your brain ache.)

nerronn-tuonn- (although it's obscure,)
thunntro-varrhoun-awnskawn-toohoohoor-
(joyce had written this word)
denen-thurnuk (was heard
before adam and eve went on tour.)
"
"sarah's interview, rightly, was panned
for one aspect we don't understand:
how the hell can we feel
her convictions are real
with those crib notes she'd scrawled on her hand?
"
"they say artemis, bathing, was caught
by actaeon, which made her distraught.
so she, as a gag,
turned him into a stag
and his dogs ate him up on the spot.
"
"said a cross-dressing actor named scottie,
""i've a body that covers my body.
camiknickers are what
mom and dad called them, but
that term's out with today's glitterati.""
"
"to construct definitions effectively,
we look at each concept objectively.
take acrobacy. hey,
let's come right out and say
it means ""acrobats taken collectively.""
"
"the '60s: spent mostly in class;
the '70s: parties and grass;
the '80s? climb higher!
the '90s: retire.
how swiftly decennia pass.
"
"a dessert apple's one you don't bake,
but eat raw, although make no mistake:
while an apple a day
for dessert is ok,
even doctors prefer chocolate cake.
"
"becky sue, with the 40-inch chest,
was no-sex-until-marriage obsessed.
what i felt then when she
turned out flat as could be?
disillusionment sums it up best.
"
"sir, your wife's been in labor since morn,
and your son is about to be born.
""please come soon!"" she has stressed
she regrets this request
will cut into your time watching porn.
"
"fdr might arrive around eight
for a round-the-world roller-skate date.
wearing fishnets (that slut!)
he might breast-feed me, but
the dislikelihood's certainly great.
"
"""domineeringness? not around here.
in our home it's abundantly clear
i'm not her boss and she
doesn't dominate me,
since we're eq?"" ""herbert, shut it!"" ""yes, dear.""
"
"father john, after total immersal
in thought, shocked the choir rehearsal:
""there's no jesus,"" he said;
""we'll praise janus instead""
(a reform?in two ways?controversal).
"
"michael palin arrived (unexpected)
but the torture device jones selected
was a dish rack. when used
on a woman, bemused,
no signs of great pain were detected.
"
"""did you call me a boong?"" was his cry.
""neither bong nor a bung now am i!""
""i said 'boonga,' you loonie!
you bunga! you boonie!""
""get stuffed!"" was his witty reply.
"
"robert pays his tuition, the putz,
and then skips half his classes. he's nuts!
it is clearly no mystery
why bob now is history:
suspended for too many cuts.
"
"so you say you've been shunned by the guys
who you normally drink with? get wise:
drink with gals for a spell.
they ignore you? oh, well.
you can always go drink with the flies.
"
"a doorman will open a door for you,
and may also accomplish some chore for you,
but a doorkeeper's there
to cause foes to beware.
he's a guard who'll do battle and more for you.
"
"paper dolls are quite easy, you know.
fold the paper, then cut. just go slow.
any amateur who
has some scissors will do.
cutting diamonds, of course, takes a pro.
"
"the result of a horrible crime,
six young boys had been killed at one time
(ages 2, 3, 5, 7,
13, and 11),
each victim cut down in his prime.
"
"moral compasses, sometimes askew,
leave us guessing just what we should do.
what is wrong? what is right?
problems wake you at night?
deontologists solve them for you.
"
"b. b. king came to play montreal.
his guitar, though, was shipped to nepal.
transportation's my game,
so it's me who's to blame.
said his agent, ""you sure dropped the ball.""
"
"it says, ""awful: inspiring awe,""
but to me this is clearly a flaw.
in a foremost position,
this dumb definition
really sticks, as they say, in my craw!
"
"what the hell's an affinity card?
to find out doesn't take scotland yard.
a part of each charge,
whether little or large,
goes to charity?quite avant-garde.
"
"the pitchwoman, facing senility,
proclaimed paper towels' great utility.
it's true that she's old,
but on bounty i'm sold
because of its absorbability.
"
"""drive-through viewings?a first!"" announced kevin,
""at our funeral home, noon to seven.
the departed recline
'neath a tasteful blue sign
that says, honk if you think he's in heaven.""
"
"double-parking's not major, some say,
if you're there for a very short stay.
by a curb, you're aside
of some other guy's ride,
but right next to a hydrant? no way!
"
"there's an acne-faced bald guy named dudley
whose potato physique is quite spudly.
he's got arms that are thin,
and a long pointy chin,
and yet doubtless believes himself studly.
"
"define doughfaceism? ""major docility
to the point where your will shows fragility.""
in the webster's i've got,
they don't say a whole lot?
only: ""truckling"" (what's that?) ""pliability.""
"
"in wrestling, i like greco-roman.
and horror films?  can't beat the omen.
but for unleavened bread,
as i often have said,
my number one choice: afikomen.
"
"every novel is nothing but fluff,
and your grammar and syntax are rough.
you've made crap your career.
from your writing it's clear
that i just can't dispraise you enough.
"
"there's a guy they call jitterbug doug
who is famous for cutting a rug
on the dancefloor. he's king
when the band's playin' swing.
""aw, 'tain't nuthin',"" he says with a shrug.
"
"""cut the engine and let's take a look,""
said big al, a notorious crook.
when i turned off the motor,
he said, ""your transbloater
is phlanged!"" he must think i'm a schnook.
"
"adenophorous?what is the use
of a word such as this? what excuse
might it have to exist?
well, it can't be dismissed
when it's glands that you want to produce.
"
"she sang, ""club-hopper, club-hopper!"" proof
she's a fan of the musical spoof.
it was sunrise? sunset?
in a club where we met,
and we fiddled that night on the roof.
"
"as a caring, responsible medic,
to our drug woes i'm not apathetic,
so desist with the jokes
when i cocainize folks,
since cocaine makes a great anesthetic.
"
"""beam me up, scotty, now!"" yelled jim kirk,
""from this klingon convenience store clerk
who insists that i pay
for my own milky way;
you must get me away from this jerk!""
"
"rick, the radical writer, says, ""schools
are best suited for sheep and for fools!
who needs grammar? indeed,
i declare i don't need
to conform to your rulesrulesrulesrules!""
"
"should we be@ a retre@ or stand p@?
for th@ m@ter, why the r@-a-t@-t@?
inf@u@ion with b@tle?
wh@ irr@ional c@tle!
sen@e f@ c@s should h@e where we're @.
"
"declared hecter, ""my film, the defecter,
will be great because i'm the directer,
and the big shots, you know,
wouldn't risk all that dough
on just any old garbage collecter!""
"
"see my windshield? it's made from stained glass.
in this car i hold monday night mass.
if such churchliness moves you,
it clearly behooves you
to give thanks in the plate that i pass.
"
"the child had a cut on his knee
that required two stitches or three.
rugged play he enjoys
and, well, boys will be boys
(girls as well, as i'm sure you'll agree).
"
"whenever i, ummm... try to say
""um, i love you, uh, madge, aaah, today
and forever,"" i, ummm...
all, like, nervous become.
my disfluency gets in the way.
"
"there's nothing that brought patrick swayze joy
on a set like a martin scorsese ploy
that involved cool chablis
and allowed him to be
just reclining at ease in an armchair.
"
"this one verse fills a specialized need
for a clear definitional read.
it's complete now, although,
with one million to go,
it's a drop in the bucket, indeed.
"
"thomas doubts that world peace, futuristic,
will be brought by the spell of some mystic.
he doubts anything he
cannot touch, hear, or see.
doubting thomas? no, just realistic.
"
"when my wife and my dad were surprised
in our bed, many people advised,
""it's a blessing, you know,
in disguise."" ""if that's so,""
i'd reply, ""then it's damn well disguised!""
"
"serving god is my only pursuit,
and my zeal is beyond all dispute.
since my cultism's strong,
i could never go wrong.
jesus, who do you want me to shoot?
"
"on this bloodgate disgrace, let me weigh in:
lord, is all sport a fraud? (i'm just sayin'.)
faking injuries for
better chances to score?
was it football they thought they were playin'?
"
"""accompanied baggage in spain
stays mainly,"" says dwayne, ""in the plane
of the passenger who
checked those bags, so that you
will feel much more secure, i maintain.""
"
"""keep your fiberglass!"" scoutmaster hugh
was a purist. ""a birchbark canoe
is both sturdy and light.""
yet he sank out of sight.
(it's amazing what termites will do.)
"
"clearly butter cuts easily when
the kitchen's a hundred and ten.
make the knife super hot,
then the butter you've got
will be cut by the weakest of men.
"
"ol' man quinn domiciliates cats,
giving housing to hundreds. (he's bats!)
he's been mocked and maligned
and arrested and fined
and evicted from seventeen flats.
"
"when you're out in the jungle, beware.
you know charlie is watching out there.
not mccarthy or chan,
that pajama-clan man
is your foe in this hateful affair.
"
"many aspects of life, miscellaneous,
are distinct, and not cotemporaneous.
when each night follows day
in its natural way,
these two items are called consectaneous.
"
"in a war, you should always enhance
your position when given the chance.
never say you ""retreat,""
since that sounds like defeat.
what to do in that case? ""disadvance.""
"
"when i first heard dry milk, i said, ""wow!
how could anyone drink this?"" here's how:
it's just dry when unmixed.
when it's properly fixed,
it's as wet as if straight from the cow.
"
"while alive, grampa benjamin yearned
to ""go back to the land."" i've since learned
he's dispersible now
so i'll help him, i vow,
since it's clearly a right he has urned.
"
"the scene at the deathbed was moving.
my mother on morphine was grooving.
the oncologist, trying
to avoid ""she is dying,""
said only, ""your mom's disimproving.""
"
"""the corral's full of horses,"" said bruce.
""disinclose them."" i think, ""what the deuce?
does he think i'm impressed
by his bookish request?
why can't he just say 'turn 'em loose'?""
"
"desynonymization's a case
where two words, having shared the same space
in a language, will change.
they evolve, rearrange,
and a shift in their meanings takes place.
"
"defectuosity: what a collection
of syllables! further inspection
reveals that this word,
sounding wholly absurd,
is a noun meaning ""great imperfection.""
"
"the word cryosphere one day was chosen
for the section of earth that is frozen.
it grows smaller each year.
global warming, i fear,
on its area's slowly foreclosin'.
"
"""at the moment, i'm busy (you cow!)
and the boss needs my input right now.
don't call back."" (click) ""yvette?
now, where were we, my pet?
you were taking your blouse off.... oh, wow!""
"
"""with guns, you must always beware,""
said a radio dj named claire.
""so, be safe out there, gang.
like with this one, there's?"" bang!
.......................................................
"
"back-alley abortions dismayed
many folks and, in consequence, preyed
on the soul of our nation:
women faced desperation
and crisis before roe v. wade.
"
"seven hours my soda had sat
in an uncovered can?that was that.
lacking all carbonation
(that bubbly sensation),
defizzed, now my pepsi was flat.
"
"i've a nails-on-a-chalkboard-like voice.
as a speaker, i'm no one's first choice.
yes, i dissonate so
that wherever i go,
when i leave even friends will rejoice.
"
"it's those four-hour flights that i dread.
let's take simple daycations instead.
drive a while, see some sight,
then come home that same night
to our comfortable (no-expense) bed.
"
"bob is seeing diane; i'm with kate,
so we four, in one car, double-date.
first a movie, then next?
well, we're all oversexed.
let's lose bob?then the date will be great!
"
"no, i shouldn't consider it strange.
his wild lifestyle he won't rearrange.
he's contrite as can be
early on, but then he
backs away from his promise to change.
"
"define dolce? i'll do so completely
in three words, both concisely and neatly.
if directed to play
your trombone in this way,
it's an adverb for ""gently and sweetly.""
"
"i make breakfast first thing upon waking,
then it's work where results i am faking.
driving home, what's ahead?
some tv and then bed.
it's the same daily round i am making.
"
"while the taxman examines my life,
helen nags me with family strife.
""since i'm down many years,""
i confess through my tears,
""for the doomage, consider my wife.""
"
"while his eyebrows were bushy and dense,
he was bald, so at some great expense
he transplanted some hair
from his brow to up there,
raising eyebrows in more than one sense.
"
"a doberman pinscher's my pet,
which i'm taking post haste to the vet.
this old dog's indiscreet
about stuff that she'll eat,
and she now has a stomach upset.
"
"""soccer's boring!"" i often proclaim.
lack of action is largely to blame.
one solution i've found:
spread some land mines around.
this would drastically alter the game.
"
"""you're a fox?drop-dead gorgeous!"" i said.
""bet you're drop-dead voracious in bed.""
such a violent dame!
not her type, i became
in the blink of an eye drop-dead dead.
"
"when good sense was dished out, god forgot me.
now on top of boot hill you will spot me.
bart was breaking the law,
so i challenged him: ""draw!""
i'd just started my sketch when he shot me.
"
"there's a series of videotapes
'bout a three-month-old child who escapes
from his folks and is raised
by some curtains. amazed?
look for tarzan (he's called) of the drapes.
"
"from the '60s, a time psychedelic,
i'm a veteran (though some might say ""relic"").
we glorified in
every aspect of sin,
and the last thing we were was angelic.
"
"if there's one fractured bone that can rankle
frank flayhardt, m.d., it's the ankle.
i've seen it firsthand:
who will take this job and
pass it off to a resident?  frank'll.
"
"the doctors in bankrupt tunisia
may operate sans anaesthesia.
the patient instead
is hit over the head
with a bottle of milk of magnesia.
"
"eating animal crackers with me
is my grandson, named michael, aged three.
he loves all of the shapes,
camels, lions, and apes
(though they taste more like cookies to me).
"
"""the sharks say they're ready to rumble?
we'll make all those losers look humble!""
""omna reddy tuh fie.
mebby summudder nie.""
""what the hell are you saying? don't drumble!""
"
"i talk dirty to make sister squawk:
""you will drive me insane with that talk!""
i respond, ""saints alive!
is that really a drive?
let's be honest?it's more a short walk.""
"
"what a bore! she keeps talking and talking
and talking and talking and talking
and yakking and yakking.
an off-switch she's lacking.
she drones on and on. (hell, i'm walking.)
"
"i imagine the following tiff
with the late mr. stone, now a stiff:
""when we came to that light,
he was wrong?i was right!""
""you're both dead,"" i reply. ""what's the dif?""
"
"her stuffed animal, some kind of bug,
was endearing and pleasant to hug.
it was cuddly because
of how spongy it was.
does this have some significance? (shrug)
"
"volcanoes provide fearful drama.
for example, japan's mount asama
was something to see
(1783)
when it last blew its top off ? oh, mama!
"
"hey, that anagram really makes sense!
both arrangements are synonyms, hence
it's an aptagram?clever,
and something you'd never
be able to write.  (no offense!)
"
"communalism?what's all the fuss?
i am black, so i look out for us.
though american, too,
uncle sam can go screw.
that's the view from the back of the bus!
"
"""here, it's mink!"" so my trauma begins.
my palms sweat; i feel faint; the room spins.
doraphobia is,
in the phobia biz,
fear of fur or of animal skins.
"
"i find dust bunnies foul and disgusting,
so at home i am frequently thrusting
my dry mop in spots
where i'm bound to find lots,
though, in fact, i'm not mopping?i'm dusting.
"
"a mad russian was once heard to pop off:
""your head i desire to chop off!
you're our leader, it's true,
but your death's overdue.
find a cliff, comrade yuri, andropov!""
"
"a loan shark named ""mad dog"" macmurray
was demanding his dough in a hurry.
i'm flat broke so, instead,
i just shot the guy dead,
thus decisively ending that worry.
"
"aunt jemima, aunt sally, aunt jane
are all negative terms, in the main.
plus aunt mary will do,
thomasina (aunt, too),
for black women we highly disdain.
"
"there's new software to figure your tax:
enter numbers, sit back and relax.
getting all legal breaks,
watch the time that it takes
cut from hours to five minutes max!
"
"all last year, johnson's pitching was hot.
as a batter, he homered a lot.
you would think effort pays,
but next season? no raise!
his deservingness didn't mean squat.
"
"affluenza: a sickness, a greed
for more stuff that you flat out don't need.
bigger home, fancy watch,
newer car, older scotch?
join the vast capitalistic stampede!
"
"""at a hundred-to-one, dad's toupee
cannot lose!"" i had heard someone say.
i bet all i'd amassed,
but the horse finished last.
(boy, i sure dropped a bundle that day.)
"
"a southern thug's favorite conveyance,
his truck, is now held in abeyance.
he says, with his drawl,
""ah am housebound, y'all,
an' can't roam past my white picket feyance.""
"
"i'm a victim of clickjacking, tricked
into visiting sites i've not picked.
what a sneaky idea!
you get somewhere via
a button you don't know you've clicked.
"
"i've been trapped in this miserable attic
for donkey's years. truly traumatic,
my fate is to write,
every day, every night,
for my captor, a limerick fanatic.
"
"grampa dave is a bed blocker, true,
but we're stuck so what else can we do?
though the hospital needs
grampa's bed, it concedes
there's no easy solution in view.
"
"dispensability?what shares this trait?
fourth-string catchers whose skills aren't that great,
an old jacket that's tight,
tinted shades late at night,
and more people than two on a date.
"
"donald cuts a fine figure, they swear,
on the dancefloor, with talent to spare.
he's bi-gendered and smart
in his claim to be ""part
ginger rogers and part fred astaire.""
"
"""global warming,"" says activist shauna,
""is turning our state to a sauna,
yet assisted migration
could be the salvation
of all sorts of flora and fauna.""
"
"i'd been walking on air all my life
when one night i heard this from my wife:
""i just cannot extol
your technique, on the whole.""
(innuendo can cut like a knife.)
"
"she is super- (sweet) cali- (divine)
fragilistic- (cute) expi- (so fine)
alidocious. what's more,
she's inclined to adore
these ridiculous limericks of mine.
"
"you, superior? please! face reality.
dump this ""i walk on water"" mentality.
you're no king, prince, or duke,
and your airs make me puke.
you're just part of the vast commonality.
"
"steven hawking, in helmet and thong,
playing football? my god, that's so wrong!
""call me 'ball',"" he declares.
""i'm an end for the bears!""
""if you say so,"" i answer. ""go long!""
"
"my new aftershave's quite a surprise
with the way it can cause the demise
of great numbers of pests.
as my neighbor attests,
""the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.""
"
"the living room set of jean pogany
was made up of cuban mahogany,
but these west indies wares,
a settee and three chairs,
were all lost in her move to tontogany.
"
"tea enthusiast sue may be wooable,
but by fans of weak tea? unpursuable!
well then, leave it to me
and i'll brew her some tea
that's so dark and so thick that it's chewable!
"
"for his sexist remarks, uncle bert
has been ordered to work in a skirt.
of his penance, says he,
""it don't matter to me,
but the cut in my paycheck does hurt.""
"
"""conversationally,"" gram always said,
""is the way that a wise man will tread
when he deals with a jerk.
still, if talk doesn't work,
then plan b is a punch in the head.""
"
"said the crime show producer, ""we're clever,
and it's clear we're as daring as ever.
we will let the fans see
a guy's butt on tv,
but his dangly bits? visible? never!""
"
"our goal is a stout that is brewable
so dark and so thick that it's chewable.
when the going gets rough,
will hard work be enough?
yes! the job may be tough, but it's doable.
"
"that bird sings, but she won't sing for free.
you won't win her with slick repartee.
she's high maintenance, yes,
but she will acquiesce.
what's the key to success? do-re-mi.
"
"on my roof one fine morning by chance,
i was pushed by this idiot lance.
though he meant to be playful,
the push was dismayful.
i dropped a large load in my pants.
"
"ama representatives say,
""eat five servings of veggies each day.""
still, i'd rather eat sweets
than a bowlful of beets,
so my diet is planned ama.
"
"kunta kinte, it can't be disputed,
for slave life was wholly unsuited.
he was barely a man
when his troubles began:
from his home he was cruelly disrooted.
"
"""that bounty bar's name is gregorio?
a real coconut... you know, an oreo.""
when gregorio heard
that last odious word,
he became hopping mad and quite soreo.
"
"""cut my booze?"" cried the gin-soaked ol' coot.
""save the water for bathin' in. shoot,
if a liquor, i think,
is befittin' to drink,
then, by god, it's too good to dilute!""
"
"here's another strange item for you:
discriminal. haven't a clue?
as diviners define,
it applies to the line
'tween your arm and your hand. (so who knew?)
"
"rodney dangerfield's ghost took a drink
and said, ""heaven? it's not what you'd think.
to be blunt and direct,
i don't get no respect!""
well, let's try for some posthumous ink.
"
"for your gift, i spent all sorts of money
on a dacryocystectomy, honey!
there a doctor will hack
on a lacrimal sac.
(hope the empress thinks surgery's funny...)
"
"larry claims twenty lovers (he lies!)
who pursue him, but greta replies:
""even hookers will make
him say 'please,' for god's sake!""
her remark cuts that guy down to size.
"
"the concept of scouting is shared
on bizarro world. leaders declared
that unreadiness be,
for each boy scout, the key,
hence their motto of ""be disprepared.""
"
"biopharming: genetic enhancer
of plants for producing an answer
to miseries chronic.
don't you think it ironic?
tobacco's now used to fight cancer.
"
"it's a still life in shades of magenta,
a painting called birth art.  i meant ta
instead write a verse,
but poor rhyming's my curse
and there aren't many rhymes for placenta.
"
"he was typical tv news fare:
perfect teeth, perfect clothes, perfect hair.
but the things that he said?
he's a damn barking head!
he's aggressive, abusive, unfair.
"
"no, mother, i will not stay quiet!
i'm proud that i'm on the ""ape diet"":
nuts and veggies and beans,
lots of fruit and fresh greens.
with the shape that you're in, you should try it!
"
"anti-anti-american rants
may seem pro-u.s.a. at first glance,
but attacking the factions
who question our actions?
our values this does not advance!
"
"anonymice frequently say
that the world's in the toilet today.
they talk tough and demand
that we all make a stand,
but in signed manifestos?  no way!
"
"you've got 96 cats and according
to law and good sense you are boarding
an overage where
there's inadequate care.
you are guilty of animal hoarding.
"
"altruistic donation is rare,
since not many are willing to share,
at great personal danger,
such gifts with a stranger.
these people are saints, i declare.
"
"if ""top dog"" is the title you seek,
and you're seen as a dominance freak,
i'll bet alpha's a word
that you've most likely heard
linked with girl, earner, mom, pup, or geek.
"
"the architect opened his lecture
with a statement of daring conjecture:
can a mural, twelve stories,
proclaiming coke's glories
be art?  no, it's just advertecture!
"
"it's the sun, or it's target, a store.
it means ""cup,"" ""spirit,"" ""click,"" ""gold"" galore,
""make a wish,"" ""end of trail,""
where you are without fail.
yes, a circumpunct's all these and more.
"
"""at the protest, we'll strip, me and you.
we'll get coverage out the wazoo!""
though i'm down with her views
(""down with taxes on booze!""),
all that month i was down with the flu.
"
"to desegregate whitey's cafe
seemed impossible back in the day.
yet we fought the good fight,
and today black and white
both agree the food's barely ok.
"
"ron declared himself tuesday to shauna
in his gym as they sat in the sauna.
it was clear she was hot,
but for him? not a lot.
""marry you? sorry, buddy. ain't gonna.""
"
"you were born in the states yet you're needy
(as your countrymen jeer: ""abcd!"")
of a culture, but which
is your own? that's the hitch!
are you lost and confused? yes, indeedy.
"
"going topless at mass? that's my kate!
though the priest has declared, all irate,
""she is right on the brink
of damnation!"" i think
that her disinhibition is great!
"
"cleidocranial dysplasia can cause
many defects that some would call flaws,
but a comic i know
makes them part of his show
and is earning abundant applause.
"
"anti-booze is your stand, i can see,
and a literalist always you'll be,
so it's clear you will not
understand why a shot
of straight vodka is my cup of tea.
"
"antituberculosis, you know,
as a stand is the right way to go.
when it comes to tb,
being anti- is key
since, let's face it, is anyone pro-?
"
"the newborn's so ugly it's sad.
""we just can't name this baby we've had!""
though its looks are abominable,
the kid's still denominable:
mom likes ""joe,"" yet it's ""ratface"" for dad.
"
"i've some films that my doc let me borrow
to help me to deal with my sorrow.
i don't know what to think
when i hear from my shrink:
""take two dramas and call me tomorrow.""
"
"there are billboard-like signs sometimes seen
in our neighborhood schools. what's this mean?
stop corporate vandalism,
referred to as brandalism!
we must keep school hallways pristine!
"
"""i demand that you all wear chinchilla!
i will walk down the aisle in a villa!
have my idiot groom
be in some other room.""
(she is not just a bride?she's bridezilla!!)
"
"brand-name dropping: when someone declares
the makers of clothes that he wears,
like his signature tie,
to impress passers-by.
here's a clue for this jerk:  no one cares!!
"
"it's born-digital when the creation
of documents has its formation
as an on-screen affair
with no paper used there.
the oedilf is just one illustration.
"
"this guy's boom car's a pain in the butt!
he is not just some audio nut?
at one-fifty db's
i said, ""turn it down, please!
it's a hazard, you know.""  he said, ""what?!""
"
"she's a world-famous gold medal skater.
i asked for a date.  (i'm a waiter.)
this caught her off guard,
but she bookmarked my card.
she's not interested now?maybe later.
"
"my daughter's new boyfriend?  this guy?
a complete baked potato, say i.
on the couch he will stay
watching tv all day,
and throughout he's incredibly high.
"
"the hot dogs most often that we choose
will reflect our most fervent beef-free views.
some call ""bird dogs"" a cheat
'cause they're made out of meat
that's from chickens and turkeys and ______.
"
"""i've a binary problem,"" cried emma.
while it's seldom that i would condemn a
new coinage, i pleaded:
""that term is unneeded!
what's wrong with the old word dilemma?""
"
"first there's table and player and hall,
and then parlor (or parlour) and ball.
then there's marker, technique,
and saloon, so to speak.
the word billiard can preface them all.
"
"in bizarro world crime is ok,
and their garbage is put on display.
miss december out there
is a hag with gray hair,
and all of their boy scouts are gay.
"
"""i've a bell glass that's really a swell glass,""
says a dealer whose job is to sell glass.
""they display and protect
things you do not want wrecked,
so i keep mine (you guessed!) 'neath a bell glass.""
"
"with back-alley, you've got to beware,
since the term denotes substandard care.
plastic surgery can
take this adjective. (man,
there are ""back-alley nose jobs"" out there?)
"
"there are goods where past buyers declined them,
such as out-of-date foods (i don't mind them)
and irregular clothes.
are you looking for those?
check the bargain bin. that's where you'll find them.
"
"i need holiday presents to wrap.
shopping bargain-bin sales, it's a snap
to find items marked down:
""lowest prices in town!""
it's a pity the stuff is all crap.
"
"what's a coconut? in the u.s.:
a hispanic who tries to impress
with his ""whiteness."" they say
some locales (the u.k.)
will see blacks try this route to success.
"
"don't give hairstyle advice to your boss;
it can make her incredibly cross.
""would a 'rachel cut' make
me a ten?"" my mistake:
""no, it wouldn't. you look more like ross.""
"
"a dryer will dry things. so there.
you need help with this word? i declare
that's pathetic and sad,
though i guess i should add
the most common dry clothing and hair.
"
"when i say, ""looks like rain,"" understand
i'm predicting foul weather, offhand.
should i say, in some chat,
something's arenoid, that
could be translated thus: ""looks like sand.""
"
"kenneth's gardener, at best, was half-assed.
""he was worthless, but that's in the past.
now he's dead,"" ken explains,
""only bone dust remains.
on my roses, he's useful at last.""
"
"i get board checked?my mother applauds
'cause she knows i'm just there for the bawds.
i'm dyslexic. i'd read
hockey lingo. it said:
""where a player's pushed into the broads.""
"
"you're a moron?a nitwit?a boob.
and that question you asked? what a rube!
""what's danubian?"" gee,
that seems easy to me:
it means ""bordering on the danube.""
"
"my mechanic was flat on his creeper
'neath my car when i asked, ""should i keep 'er?""
""i could fix 'er,"" he said,
""but consider instead
that a brand new rolls royce would be cheaper.""
"
"conjoined twins, zev and aaron, to me
were the luckiest babes there could be.
every doctor agrees
they were parted with ease.
they'd been joined at the foreskin, you see.
"
"""did you know,"" said a crook from murmansk,
""that if something is danish, it's dansk?""
while distracting me thus,
someone hijacked my bus.
well now, ain't that a kick in the pansk!
"
"here's a word that i bet you can guess:
d-a-n-c-e-r-e-s-s.
have you figured the answer?
that's right: ""female dancer.""
your intellect's bound to impress.
"
"a pavlova, i learned from my schooling,
is a treat fit for gods?i'm not fooling.
""dad, it makes my mouth water,""
says april, my daughter.
""when it's served, even jo-jo starts drooling.""
"
"any man of weak intellect, son,
is a dodipoll, wiser than none.
link your fortunes to him
who is foolish and dim
and your problems have only begun.
"
"all her co-workers grinned at sue black,
and she thought we were eyeing her rack.
with no dryer sheets used,
we were merely amused
by the fuzzy pink sock on her back.
"
"our king bozo is some kinda clown.
we should tell 'im to get outa town.
let's decrown de guy now.
how to do it? here's how:
we'll just say, ""take a hike?leave de crown.""
"
"i was labeled ""an old mother hen,""
and ""among our effeminate men.""
if i dress as a dame
sunday night, then my name
will be dragged through the mud once again.
"
"the source that i've got must be wrong:
""the bell magpie eats fruit all day long,
and its call's like a bell.""
i respond, ""what the hell?
there's a bird that will warble 'ding-dong'?""
"
"an american flag on the wall
hears a pledge that each kid can recall
that's recitable (by heartable)
to one land not departable,
with liberty and justice for all.
"
"in a pub: ""any dart throwers here?""
and there are, but they're not drinking beer.
it's a sling-like device
i have used once or twice
for propelling a dart or a spear.
"
"when the ransom arrived, we went wild!
every step went as planned; fortune smiled.
now the bloodguilt i feel
is soul-crushingly real.
(it was my job to murder the child.)
"
"in these islands a coal miner marries
his work, and one thing never varies:
should he die or resign,
it's a very bad sign
in the coal mine that's in the canaries.
"
"degravation's important in cases
of dumping a corpse when the place is
a lake. tie some rocks
or some large cement blocks
to your foe?he won't leave any traces.
"
"when we write, we remain dissentaneous
on a number of things miscellaneous.
one is homophone rhymes.
i will use them at times,
but you won't. we are not consentaneous.
"
"why's a bendy-bus called that? (a riddle!)
it's because they can bend in the middle.
in capacity, speed,
and their doors, it's agreed
that a plain bus will play second fiddle.
"
"an animal rightist of note
says our pets deserve better. i quote:
""the most noble of fights
is for animal rights.""
well, ok, but let's not let 'em vote.
"
"the appraiser confided to me,
""chris, your work is as fine as can be.
i've examined your writing.
it's fresh! it's exciting!""
(as proud appraisee, i agree.)
"
"fifteen 2, and two aces make 4,
and the rest of my hand doesn't score.
it's my crib, though... oh, great!
fifteen 2, 4, 6, 8,
plus a big double run?8 points more!
"
"""please allow me to put in a plug
for the boat (buster keaton),"" said doug.
""as a fan,"" queried mabel,
""should you go by some label?""
""damfino,"" claimed doug with a shrug.
"
"when the curtain came down on the play,
the director had something to say:
""god, that sucked, i agree,
but you cannot blame me.
half the cast was auditioned today!""
"
"when i sang ""happy birthday"" while blue,
it came out: ""happy birthday (boo-hoo).
happy birthday to (sob!)
(sniffle, sniffle) dear rob.
happy (boo-hoo-hoo!) birthday to you!""
"
"all the nuns from st. mary's were chipper
upon seeing the film little nipper
'bout the birth of a colt,
so imagine the jolt
when the aftershow featured a stripper.
"
"man, the aftershow bash was so great!
we all danced and got high until late.
though performing's a chore
and rehearsing's a bore,
when it's over, the party's first rate!
"
"with dry vomiting (aka ""retching""),
you make noises that aren't very fetching
such as ""haaack!"" and ""a-whooook!""
as you puke without puke
from some cause that i pray is not catching.
"
"famed geologist brian h. jones
says that all clastic rock that he owns
is composed, like this boulder,
of rocks that are older.
it has nothing to do with the stones.
"
"with four aces, this sounds like a cop-out
(since this hand caused my eyeballs to pop out),
but my friends cannot know
i have reason to crow,
or like slackers in school they'll all drop out.
"
"for an -ism that's tacked onto dandy,
keep mirrors around, ever handy.
for fine clothes you must pay
if a peacock display
is your modus (so-called) operandi.
"
"""now the years of this siege have reached ten,""
wise ulysses remarked, way back when,
""and we've failed with blunt force,
let us build a big horse.
yes, our work is cut out for us, men!""
"
"she hides notes in her bra (she's big-busted)
but her character's warped, maladjusted.
she's a spy for peru
but helps ecuador, too.
double agents like her can't be trusted.
"
"sobbed a bankrupt, bereft tennessean,
""my debts are immense, colossean!
i've sold all that i own:
i've no car, tv, phone?
no belongings, nor pot left to pee in.""
"
"the black wolf's a grey wolf that's black.
there, i said it and won't take it back.
though you call me a liar,
my pants aren't on fire,
so cut me some slack would ya, jack?
"
"fresh from footloose, the star kevin bacon
threw me out of my chair. i was shaken!
with no effort to greet me,
he'd moved to disseat me.
""dis seat,"" he informed me, ""is taken!""
"
"take the black pea and blue pea. one sees
they've got one thing in common. now, please,
can you simply relate
this identical trait?
that's correct! neither one will grow peas.
"
"i have worked in the background for sears
unobtrusively forty-three years.
""third assistant vp:
craftsman tweezers,"" that's me
(not the tops in high-profile careers).
"
"with all brains and no looks, i'm undatable.
in my lab, might a gal be creatable?
playing god has its price.
if you want my advice,
skip the prom if your date is inflatable.
"
"we're so loud you can feel the ground shaking,
yet no law on the books are we breaking.
we'll erupt, yell, and shout
till at last we drown out
any sense that the candidate's making.
"
"twenty days lost at sea?i just laughed.
though we starve, the idea is daft.
i am coctible, yes,
and i'm willing, i guess,
but a barbecue grill on a raft??
"
"looking forward, she never would miss a
midnight showing, my freaky melissa.
rocky horror, i know,
is her fave picture show.
she is shivering now in antici... ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ...pation!
"
"robert burns, on one hot afternoon,
pondered, ""what rhymes with moon, june, and spoon?
there's a river nearby.
should i give that a try?""
now i jus' cannae put the book doon.
"
"what's blue air? to define it, i'll try.
it's where eagles and piper cubs fly.
you can't see it at night,
but just wait till it's light,
then look up. there it is. yep, the sky.
"
"a potential political drama
was forestalled when a speech by obama
was censored. the cuts
covered two ""kiss my butt""s
and, in closing, a nasty ""yo' mama!""
"
"flaky nathan's as dumb as can be.
i'll explain so you'll easily see:
on an acid test, nate
got an ""f"" (not so great).
it turns out he can't spell lsd.
"
"""i can handle my booze!"" that was bunk,
since my uncle is constantly drunk.
once he downed 20 beers
and then said, ""it appears
i'm not sober as much as i thunk!""
"
"these are just the historical facts:
we had dibstones before we had jacks.
they were also called hucklebones,
jackstones, or knucklebones.
these pebbles brought joy to the max.
"
"sam the tailor is some kinda nut,
and i'm going to kick this guy's butt!
my new suit is brick red,
stitched with bright purple thread
but an oddly conservative cut.
"
"let's go swim in the gulf (how romantic!)
where some turtles are gray and gigantic.
they're endangered, it's sad?
numbers dropping like mad?
this poor ridley that's labeled atlantic.
"
"as a nurse, my aunt betty is tops,
so whenever her benjamin flops
into bed with a fever,
you'd better believe her:
""no school, till your temperature drops.""
"
"cousin clem don't git out much, now do he?
his date with sweet sue went kablooey.
she had lent him a spare
dinner jacket to wear,
but he reckoned, ""the sleeves was too chewy!""
"
"the billboard was dirty and old.
it was peeling and covered with mold.
but the message, it's clear,
is advice we hold dear:
""keep america clean!"" we are told.
"
"life's a tale on a dank bathroom wall
in some moron's unreadable scrawl.
there is sound and there's fury,
but the storyline's blurry.
in the end, there's no meaning at all.
"
"""3 a.m.?it's a date!"" smiled marie.
""in my bedroom i'll wait. come to me.""
though i thought, ""piece o' cake,""
i could not stay awake
and conked off 'round a quarter to three.
"
"as a kid, there's a thought i found troublin':
what keeps irish morale always bubblin'?
""they're all rich,"" dad explained
then, with mirth unrestrained,
""since their capital always is dublin!""
"
"brother bob gave a douche bath to mom.
(no, they're not up on perverts.com!)
""look how clean she can get
with a stream or a jet
of warm water,"" says bob with aplomb.
"
"there's still paperwork yet i must do,
and?hold on?i must shower first, too.
my to-do list goes on,
but they shoot me at dawn,
so i'm dragging my heels. wouldn't you?
"
"once a maid of the manor at prayer
asked for change in the title ""downstair""
and an increase in pay
for the job aka
sweepstakes winner and hence millionaire.
"
"donna summer declared, ""this is hot!
it's a discoplacenta i've got.
there's a small mirrored ball
on my uterine wall,
and the babe likes the bee gees a lot!""
"
"add the gold to the batter and stir,
then, before it congeals, add the myrrh.
cut the frankincense in,
and then bake and begin
to enjoy with your favorite liqueur.
"
"double-minded, my dad's not the kind
of a genius you're likely to find
who's as smart as two men.
no, it's just now and then
he's unable to make up his mind.
"
"in a language where logic's applicable,
this is something bizarre, inexplicable:
why do folks, now and then,
use despisable when
the more widely used word is despicable?
"
"""she is deep-mouthed, your date,"" he advised.
that meant voice tone, i later surmised.
to her bass i was treated.
(if readers feel cheated,
i won't be the least bit surprised.)
"
"with bulk purchasing, here's your first clue:
just buy basics, like kangaroo stew.
once i happened to spy
a full lifetime supply,
and the price was so low i bought two.
"
"listen, thomas. your spelling is wrong.
no, the period doesn't belong.
when you're writing, it's dot-com
since dot.com it's not, tom.
support for that hyphen is strong.
"
"""droop snoot"" hooper is one of those guys
who just never gets flustered or cries
'bout his nickname. this ace
has a regular face.
he's so named for the aircraft he flies.
"
"diplomatism often succeeded
when anti-war pleadings were heeded.
it's a word, today rare,
for diplomacy where,
i assume, no diploma is needed.
"
"a drug holiday's not what you'd think.
and it's not that you're told by your shrink:
""all next week take these pills
that are blue for your ills.
that's in place of your usual pink.""
"
"i've got photographs, senator hughes,
of your bimbo and you on a cruise.
cut a check for ten grand,
put that check in my hand,
or i'm calling the ten o'clock news.
"
"bunny claimed there were benefits, many,
to her job, though i couldn't see any.
""there's this little round hat
that's quite nice, so how's that?""
bunny's bonny blue beanie's a benny.
"
"join the movement to cause the cessation
of the use of old words in this nation!
with an army of nerds
fighting obsolete words,
we'll succeed in this vast conspiration.
"
"i was far from a saint in my youth,
often slovenly, rude, and uncouth.
i remember my dad
once declared, ""chris, you're bad,""
just dispraisingly telling the truth.
"
"it's defined ""without penal restraint.""
(what you're thinking right now? no, it ain't.)
it's a word for a crime
for which no one does time.
as a victim, you'd have no complaint.
"
"say you're caught in a messy dispute
since your neighbor, perhaps, has brought suit.
in a court altercation,
use this: disputation.
you're bound to sound far more astute.
"
"my exercise bike's in disuse,
and i've grown to the size of a moose.
with no workouts in years,
added weight now appears
on my belly, face, legs, and caboose.
"
"there's a linguist insisting to speak to me
in a language that's wholly antique to me.
when she writes, it's demotic,
a script quite exotic.
forward five hundred years, it's still greek to me.
"
"""discapacitate lou, if you please,""
said the boss. i love errands like these!
so i smashed louie's nose,
sawed off four of his toes,
broke three fingers and one of his knees.
"
"my guy sal did a number on lou
who was just in the hospital, too.
broke a wrist, burst his spleen,
knocked some teeth out (13).
why'd he do it? i haven't a clue.
"
"a drywell is not always dry.
it is filled up with gravel; here's why:
when it storms (don't despair),
runoffs dissipate there
so your lawn won't erode, by and by.
"
"a red pen, an illegible scrawl,
rampant lunacy, total recall,
vast arrays, empty nests,
subtle hints, supple breasts:
they're attributive adjectives, all.
"
"""in the beaver state (oregon), dear,
you'll be faithful to me. is that clear?""
a young wife is addressing
her mate, though i'm guessing
(insert your own beaver joke here).
"
"i've a nude scene with dame judi dench!
lips to lips, groin to groin, we will clench
with great lust as a factor.
(the life of an actor
beats the hell out of cutting a trench!)
"
"what's drag?e (with that accent it takes)?
some poor cave babe whose scalp always aches?
not at all. bakers say
it's pronounced as ""drah-zhay"":
little balls used to decorate cakes.
"
"don't put missiles in storage bins, son.
you'll improve now your schooling's begun.
you possess a strong disciplinableness,
so who needs any missilebinableness?
[see? i told you this couldn't be done!]
"
"first, it's 45 meters in height.
next, it's garbage and odious, quite.
it's the famous mount cleese.
john gets ""honors"" like these
when the locals he happens to slight.
"
"dear saint anne:

happy mother's day, mom.
when compared to the rest, you da bomb!
were we living today,
i would post this bouquet
on my site blessedvirgin.com.

love, mary
"
"becky's husband thought cheating was chic:
""seven gals i've been happy to sneak
to our marital bed,
but who's counting?"" he said.
she felt faint. (they'd been married a week.)
"
"ol' miss buckley is awfully hard
on us kids when we cut through her yard.
if you walk on her grass,
you'd best watch your young ass:
trespass quickly, and be on your guard.
"
"""the director's cut,"" spielberg confessed,
""is the version that i think is best.
there's a copy of jaws
that i favor because
it shows dreyfuss completely undressed.""
"
"drapetomania can strike any slave
when it's freedom he thinks he should crave.
the best cure is prevention.
while still in detention,
stern whippings will make him behave.
"
"i announced to the papers frenetically:
""i'm a father abiogenetically!
thirty children, now mine,
sprang from cucumber wine!""
they reacted quite unsympathetically.
"
"so your wife, you've just learned, has not one
but six lovers with whom she has fun.
well, your marriage is toast.
you should give up the ghost.
bring the curtain down, brother. you're done.
"
"ooooo, those vikings! i just have to say
direptitious describes them today!
i could feel my blood boil
as they'd plunder, despoil,
and then snatch all our chickens away!
"
"your bed was uncomfortable, true?
and you noticed the crack in the loo?
this hotel is a hole
since we feel it's our goal
to discommodate people like you.
"
"what she ate i will never forget:
eighty clams without breaking a sweat.
they were raw as could be,
dipped in chocolate. did she
have a cast-iron stomach? you bet!
"
"i was caught one hot day unawares:
debilitation so sudden it scares.
i was weak, all worn out,
the result of, no doubt,
hauling anvils up ten flights of stairs.
"
"the young lady is clearly aspiring
to greatness and, yes, we are hiring.
her resume's great,
but one thing that i hate
to admit: it's her boobs i'm admiring.
"
"jill said robert was drunk as a skunk.
(bob's her boyfriend.) i said to her, ""bunk!
i was there. he was plastered!
that vomiting bastard
was fall-down commode-hugging drunk!""
"
"i'll be done with it sooner or later,
yet no gift i can give could be greater.
when it's time to depart,
let some child have my heart.
that's the wish of the organ donator.
"
"""coloreds shouldn't be mixed with the whites,""
was the comment that prompted the fights.
i had only expressed
how your laundry's done best,
and then boom! lordy, out went the lights!
"
"jill to norman: ""i'm curious. how're
you gonna define that fine flower
of feminine form,
the dowress?"" says norm,
""that's a woman entitled to dower.""
"
"a criterion's used to compare,
though if more than one standard is there
you've criteria, but,
for a bicycling nut,
a criterium's racing with flair.
"
"""what's a dilly bag, william?"" quoth billy:
""i believe it's a bag full of dilly.""
""it's a pouch for one's needs,
made from grasses or reeds
in australia. please don't be so silly!""
"
"the word dropt is just ""dropped"" with a ""t""
in the place of that last p-e-d.
should ""i shopped"" be ""i shopt""?
let this madness be stopt!
from now on, all my writing's dropt-free.
"
"a dollar-a-year man, kincaid
was employed as a technical aide.
he's a moron first class.
""token payment,"" my ass!
all agree that this guy's overpaid.
"
"clearly dead on arrival, they said,
was my plan for transplanting a head.
with no chance for success,
i've rethought it and, yes,
i should transplant the body instead.
"
"bert's about to confess to his bride
(almost ready?not quite) that he's lied.
when he does, he should run.
she's got lawyers, a gun,
and a mean streak a half a mile wide.
"
"a drakestone is flat, like a quarter.
it'll ""skip"" many times 'cross the water.
ducks and drakes is the name
of this stone skipping game,
but use quarters? not use them, you oughter.
"
"there are lemon, gum-, eye, nose, and ear-,
also cough-, knockout, rain-, dew-, and tear-.
just five letters complete
every term?quite a feat!
what's the answer? you'll find it right here.
"
"""what's the anglosphere? why all the fuss?""
asked the yank. ""first there's canada, plus
folks out ireland way,
then you've got the u.k.,
and australia, new zealand, and us.""
"
"when you dress, since it's clear you're a fox,
you delight in the sheerest of frocks.
but you're going to play
some strip poker today,
so you add to this nine pair of socks.
"
"""hey, pastry-head!"" (yes, it's a pun
i called out to my sister, a nun.)
she looked cross (apropos?).
""that name suits you, y'know,
since your hair is done up in a bun!""
"
"""clubmen only,"" the gatekeeper said,
meaning gals should go elsewhere instead.
heather misunderstood.
grabbing hold of some wood,
she said, ""fine. would you lower your head?""
"
"once a cannibal's lunch, named marcel,
disagreed with his host for a spell.
was the menu discussed?
not at all. it was just
that he didn't digest very well.
"
"will the judge i'm provoking be mollified?
let's test this theory.
the empress reads my entry,
exclaims in disgust:
""what the hell?it's a haiku! disqualified!""
"
"abstentionism: that is when nations
keep far from those foreign relations
where they fear that they might
risk a loss in a fight,
making ""our needs come first"" affirmations.
"
"thirty years joseph hid from the government,
so he should have perceived what his lover meant
when she cautioned, ""i know
of your history, joe,""
but he laughed. the result? his discoverment.
"
"disquisitions at college would banish
slow students. some guys would just vanish.
intro psych 101
had a few that were fun,
but i didn't expect one in spanish.
"
"thomas adams declared, ""i confess
my experiments cause me distress.
i only aspire
to make a new tire,
but chewing gum?  what a success!""
"
"to our doorbell we'll soon say so long.
something's terribly, horribly wrong.
it goes ""ding,"" but that's it.
halfway through it will quit
its binotonous call of ""ding-dong.""
"
"a hungarian count, some don juan,
woos a newlywed, katherine (c'mon!).
both fall out of the sky,
take forever to die,
and my god, how this movie drags on!
"
"my girlfriend is glamorous, amorous,
and when we make love, she is clamorous.
the neighbors cry, ""cease!""
and they call the police
who, with anti-noise statutes, come hammer us.
"
"many maxims, both new and antiques,
are rewritten for word-loving geeks.
for example, this saying
is well worth obeying:
""beware of doniferous greeks.""
"
"""you deceitful, deceptive disgrace!
you feel this but say that in its place.
there are two things, it's true,
i despise about you.""
""and what are they, then?"" ""simple: your face!""
"
"kate's son frank was a bathroom attendant.
frank's son donald on dad was dependent.
donald's daughter marie
had a son she named lee
with a daughter who's not kate's descendent.
"
"here's a riddle: what word stands for three
different parts of the body? the key:
there's the chin (when it's hit),
and the nose (cute, a bit),
and the clitoris. what could it be?
"
"hannah, help me! the phrasing top spot
sets me writhing and squirming a lot!
dennis sinned? oh, don't nod!
i feel all-over odd!
can you name the disorder i've got?
"
"here is one of those ""what is it?"" things:
can you guess what has eight legs and sings?
not a musical spider?
think haircut provider:
they're heard from spokane to palm springs.
"
"moaned the door prize recipient, bob,
""there's no way this will fit in my saab.""
someone's concept of fun,
i'll describe what he won:
six feet tall, three feet wide, with a knob.
"
"""this volcano is quiet,"" claimed trevor,
""but i think we'd be fools to endeavor
building homes at its base.
total ruin we'll face,
since its dormancy won't last forever.""
"
"""run ten yards and then cut to the right.""
would he mess with my head? yeah, he might.
i did not catch a pass,
and i felt like an ass?
we were there to play baseball that night!
"
"coralligenous reefs are too few.
don't steal coral, i'm begging of you!
it's a loathsome mistake
since replacements can take
sometimes decades to grow back anew.
"
"""chris, you're dopey?"" (that came as a shock.)
""but not happy at all."" (that's a crock.)
could she mean i'm not sneezy
(this logic is cheesy)
or sleepy or bashful or doc?
"
"i buy pets, as my budget allows,
for my five-year-old daughter, who vows
that while hamsters are great
and her cats are first rate,
the most cuddly of all are her cows.
"
"joan's proposal to patrick was flowery:
""all i own wilt be thine,"" but this dowery
was somewhat a joke
'cause, in fact, she was broke.
they've since married and moved to the bowery.
"
"the boss's new ""aide"" came today.
the last one, a guy, was ok,
but he wants someone saucier.
she said, ""hi, here's my dossier.""
""english: poor"" says this gal's dossier.
"
"i took a mean cut at a curve ball,
a real ""this-i-just-do-not-deserve ball.""
i confess i just hacked,
and so ate it, in fact,
that it should have been called an ""hors d'oeuvre ball.""
"
"no matter how a battery pleaded,
their request for supplies went unheeded.
they conveyed a report:
""we're a battery short!""
just one a battery?that's all they needed.
"
"""hey! your schnoz,"" cried the ill-mannered brat,
""is the hue of a santa claus hat!
it's a copper-nose!"" said
this young bastard, well-read.
(it was shakespeare who'd come up with that.)
"
"this is my house, my rules?quit yer bitchin'!
when there's work to be done here, you'll pitch in.
it's a cookroom, i say,
'cause i like it that way!
(to the rest of the world it's a kitchen.)
"
"it's 20 to 3 in the bottom
of the ninth. angry patrons? we've got 'em.
two belligerent  fans
yelled, ""you suck!"" from the stands,
which was true, but still rude, so we shot 'em.
"
"circumambiency clearly is sounding
like something extremely confounding.
yet, in actual fact,
it is simply the act
of encompassing or of surrounding.
"
"i'm chimerically planning a trip
to the moon. when i land, i'll unzip
and explore the terrain.
there'll be lakes of champagne
where i'll skinny (with moon maidens!) dip.
"
"on the stove, when some soup got too hot,
it boiled over the sides of the pot.
jamie's rage, you could tell,
then boiled over as well.
this will happen to hotheads a lot.
"
"""man, your wife really fills out her blouse!
she's clean-timbered,"" al said of my spouse.
well, as adjectives go,
it's a compliment, though
you would think it was meant for my house.
"
"yes, it's true that all renters have rights,
but your actions will lead you to fights
you can't win. if you say
that your bills you won't pay,
they will cut both your water and lights.
"
"""you're debasing your talent."" (how brash!)
to the person who said this, a flash:
while i'm capable, true,
of great work in your view,
i still find that it's fun writing trash.
"
"when you ""bank"" with the mob, don't debate,
or they'll hand you your ass on a plate.
the least of their crimes:
charging interest ten times
the applicable federal rate.
"
"my friend charles said that duck down is more
than just ""stoop!"" it's in pillows galore.
""you get down from a duck.""
i replied, ""listen, chuck?""
oh, i'm sorry. you've heard this before?
"
"her tumor's the color of tar
and as big as a cuban cigar.
she's one hundred and five
and now barely alive.
there's a note on her chart: ""dnr.""
"
"""tell me, daddy, i simply must know:
can a cow have a yak for a beau?
could she then have a baby?""
""let's see, princess. maybe.
if oedilf says she can, then it's dzo.""
"
"first you start with a grapefruit-sized ball.
you want finger holes? nope, none at all.
giving duckpins a shot?
clearly tenpins they're not.
short and squat, they're not likely to fall.
"
"don juanism: that's when a man
tries to sleep with each woman he can?
every donna, georgette,
april, jill, kate, yvette,
christy, monica, eve, and sue ann.
"
"henley's hat, so your head won't be bare;
rickles' mittens, just one or the pair;
ho's tuxedo; king's tie;
cheadle's boxers (my, my!);
all are donnable?things you can wear.
"
"""dispermous"" (its meaning: ""two-seeded"")
""is restricted to plants."" jackie pleaded:
""but a man's not a flower,
so below-the-belt power
means more than two sperm cells are needed.""
"
"i was born with three legs, and i drink
since i'm not the success you might think.
no, the fact i'm an oddity
just prompts discommodity:
when i try to play soccer, i stink.
"
"""i demand a man love me devoutfully,
though each meal i consume sauerkrautfully.
if he loves me, my breath
won't repulse him to death.
kiss me, mister!"" (i shook my head doubtfully.)
"
"what results from your dashing athleticism?
your smoldering, sexy magneticism!
i can't stand it, you hunk?
now you say you're a monk?
what i don't need in men is asceticism.
"
"""our financial position is dicey,""
i said to my wife. ""some things i see
aren't needed, e.g.,
the designer tp.
diseconomy, sweetheart, is pricey.""
"
"depeculation! we've suffered a loss!
public funds have been swiped by our boss.
this embezzlement stinks!
every taxpayer thinks
it's the worst crime we've yet come across.
"
"i'm afraid of a cancer's detection;
and seeing a mirror's reflection;
to sit on my booty;
and feminine beauty;
and everyone's laughing rejection.
"
"frijoles is spanish for ""beans,""
and from this we get beaner, which means
if you use it a lot
then your ass could be shot
to too-small-to-be-seen smithereens.
"
"sir, your manuscript has to be clean,
with all spelling and grammar pristine.
your dung heep; my story?
manure and glory
is mine is the worst i have seen.
"
"what government agency cares
for retired g.i.s and their heirs,
sees their pensions are paid,
and gives medical aid?
the department of veterans affairs.
"
"yellow fruit worn as kerchiefs? offhand,
these musicians i don't understand.
this is fruit abuse! me?
i won't stop till i see
the banana bandanna band banned.
"
"acetabulum? this i confess:
its two meanings i never would guess.
it's the joint near your thigh,
plus a tiny supply,
maybe one-eighth a pint, more or less.
"
"some people find smoking alluring
depending on when it's occurring.
as i once told my ex,
""it's ok after sex,
or before we begin, but not during.""
"
"""inhibitions i gladly let go
to a man who speaks clearly, and so
just enunciate well?
i'll be horny as hell!
are you ready to rock?"" ""i dunno.""
"
"the bride wore her gown (with full train)
on a fifteen-mile hike in the rain.
she's called ""drabble-tail heidi,""
unkempt and untidy,
and possibly somewhat insane.
"
"my memory losses you're linking
to alcohol? that's what you're thinking?
as a very young pup,
doc, i'd often throw up,
but i've never blacked out from my drinking.
"
"she was dirty, a slovenly dame
who would lie and was always to blame
for whatever went wrong,
so i told her ""so long.""
still, i miss her, it's true, all the same.
"
"outside, it is seven below.
on the ground we've got two feet of snow.
clinomaniacs say:
""stay in bed the whole day!""
i agree. grab a shovel? hell, no!
"
"it's your birthday; online let's not fight;
old man eyeing young girls (that ain't right);
six feet under; deep wheezing;
avoid tough guys' teasing;
a place with bright flowers in sight.
"
"the big hat's always present, of course,
and the ""code of the west"" he'd enforce
(so he says), but it's true
drugstore cowboys like lou
never come within miles of a horse.
"
"when in dk, one place you should go
is bill's bar on pier seven, although
you will miss it, by heck,
if you're dk while on dk.
can you dk when it's dk? i dk.
"
"so, does drough rhyme with tough or with through?
chaucer's dead, so now what do we do?
can i rhyme it with dough?
i don't know, i don't know,
since there aren't any tapes to review.
"
"grandma's ashes (don't call them her soot)
in a cube have been lovingly put.
it's twelve inches each side,
meaning high, deep, and wide,
so she measures now one cubic foot.
"
"""what's your alibi this time, ya creep?""
""i was home, all alone, fast asleep.""
""we've got 72
people fingering you,
so the doo-doo you're in now is deep!""
"
"he's the worst stand-up comic we've seen.
""worthless rubbish"" sums up his routine.
i suspect that he knows
his material blows.
why else take the name drecky greene?
"
"in this country, our drug czar will cuss
foreign growers of dope. (such a fuss!)
what he can't understand:
it's supply and demand.
our new motto should be ""drug czar us!""
"
"if you start off with twelve and no more
then disquantity that, here's the score:
if by half, then there's six,
be they diamonds or bricks.
(bet you never heard this word before!)
"
"bill loves tony, though neither is gay,
and by ""loves"" what i mean to convey
is a friendship that's tight.
it's a bromance, all right.
but the two bumpin' uglies? no way!
"
"a young witch (into speed, i presume)
on traditional transport would zoom.
she's a leather-clad lass.
hear her give it the gas.
on her hot rod, she's off: broom, broom, brooooooooooom!!
"
"""is it art or a duck?"" i'd begun
to regret this live sculpture i'd done
(a brown teal named marie
painted purple), since we
laid an egg here in more ways than one.
"
"if you're someone with crow-trodden eyes,
you may look like you're ancient and wise.
then again, if you've got
actual crows' feet, that's not
what you want on your face, i'd advise.
"
"says the foreman: ""chris, make something sweet...""
(not my job!) ""...as a summertime treat.""
for his ice cream cone toppings,
i used rabbit droppings.
my message? ""you are what you eat.""
"
"a djereed's a blunt javelin used
to keep army troops fit and amused.
with this spear, when you're hot,
you are hot; when you're not,
you are not. (do not get them confused.)
"
"""take my blood, sweat and tears!"" the words sprang
to our ears from a churchill harangue.
yet historians note
he originally wrote:
""all i offer is kool and the gang.""
"
"donald duck wears the shirt and the hat
of a sailor, but pants? where're they at?
on dry land he'll flash women,
but when he is swimmin'
wears trunks. what the hell's up with that?
"
"""chloe's dough-kneaded buttocks,"" claims joe,
""are as soft as fresh bread dough. i know.
'needing dough?' i said, 'please,
here's ten bucks for a squeeze.'
when she kneed me below, i went: 'd'oh!'""
"
"""doctor, please! am i going to die?""
""it's acute, your condition, m i.
i'm told june is, no doubt,
when your funds will run out.
don't make plans for the fourth of july.""
"
"in the end, who knows what that dumb tart meant?
i don't care what she's claiming her chart meant.
her ""deporture graph"" shows
we're all hitting new lows,
but deportment is not my department.
"
"with no rain in three months and a day,
we went down in the donga to pray.
it was like a bad dream
when a cloudburst upstream
caused flash flooding that swept us away.
"
"trixie threatened divorce, but i fought it.
and my clap? i explained how i caught it:
breathing gasoline fumes.
just bad luck, she assumes.
so deceptible, clearly she bought it.
"
"jill's remark about sports was a shocker:
""i think curling is dumb!"" (but don't mock her.)
sliding granite on ice
takes a skill that's precise,
and it's ten times less boring than f?tbol.
"
"i'm upset by the film c.j. morn.
(it examines the day i was born.)
i'm portrayed by some dude
in his fifties, all nude,
which distressfully strikes me as porn.
"
"""black swans? utter rot! inconceivable!""
never seen, therefore deemed unbelievable,
till the first ones were found?
now they're symbols renowned
for the doubtful, absurd, yet achievable.
"
"there's no need to be down or forlorn.
lots of gals make big money in porn.
you fear if you're starred
that the work will be hard?
just the opposite, kate.  can o' corn!
"
"in her booth at the diner, she'd lie back
while seductively sending her pie back.
""gal, you sure caught my eye!""
""so, you wanna get high?""
""no, not really. i just want my eye back.""
"
"bill demands to be called mr. vaughn
now he's boss. ""i'm the king?you're a pawn.
i was chosen,"" he said,
""because i use my head""
(which is just where his bossdom has gone).
"
"what's a birdwing? some kind of a wing
on a bird or some similar thing?
no, as big as a bat,
it's a butterfly that
you might notice when spring's in full swing.
"
"ms mcgirty is proud she fights dirty.
to gain votes, gertrude steals and acts flirty.
an unscrupulous dame,
hear her loudly proclaim:
""vote for gert 'down-and-dirty' mcgirty!""
"
"why'd that ballplayer cut off the throw
to the plate? that's what i'd like to know.
basic skills he may lack,
so i'm betting it's back
to the minors that moron will go.
"
"an athenian naval commander
named cimon thought nothing was grander
for troops than to drill.
one said, ""i've had my fill.
this guy's nuts, i would say in all candor!""
"
"at the pet store, the manager said,
""here's your kitten. be sure that he's fed.
you should really invest
in a cat post,"" he stressed,
""or your sofa and chairs he will shred.""
"
"the term bone mass, my webster's has shown,
is the mineral content of bone.
there are supplements (cheap!)
that can help you a heap;
their effect on your bones is well known.
"
"dan's been drunk as a skunk many times
and while juiced has committed foul crimes.
but why ""drunk as a skunk""?
does a skunk get real drunk?
no, but who gives a damn?the thing rhymes.
"
"cowboy bob cut a calf from the herd.
to a specialized pen it was spurred.
""every cow on my spread
must be branded,"" he said.
soon a cry from the young'un was heard.
"
"as your shrink, there are ways i can tell
your cell therapy's not going well.
you may call me a grouch,
but get off my damn couch!
get your ass back to work?you're a cell!
"
"disaventurous, wordsmiths can see,
clearly seems to be missing a d.
""misadventurous,"" true,
is its meaning, where you
see a d where that d ought to be.
"
"""she can sing, she can act, she can dance?""
""but at thirty, she's over. no chance.""
""but her talent?"" ""just park it!
it's a drug on the market,
ignored and abundant as ants.""
"
"a young airman, while totally drunk,
said, ""this life ain't the joy that i'd thunk.
air force blue just may be
great for others, but me?
it's an everyday case of blue funk.""
"
"""all day und all night, unrelenting,
mein shveetheart brunhilda is venting:
'mit dis budveiser here,
ist dis vahter or beer?'""
(it's a dialect act i'm presenting.)
"
"princeton press dummied up my new book
to show ad men just how it will look.
""solid gold!"" they're declaring,
""provocative! daring!""
(and other such gobbledygook).
"
"""in the drink, droppa olive (ka-plink),
an' i'll down that bad boy inna wink.""
the pilot, pathetic,
was oddly prophetic:
where did they go down? in the drink.
"
"""that's my baby!"" one mother had cried.
""no, the baby is mine!"" (one had lied.)
""wise king solomon's near.
our dispute he will hear.""
""yes, we'll leave it to him to discide.""
"
"they told me to go down a hole
and to bring up the anthracite coal,
but i quit my first day
since i felt i should play,
in the world, a more lexical role.
"
"i was bending my elbow alone
in a bar where i wasn't well known,
when this drunkard named lyle
bent my ear for awhile:
two straight hours of ""moan, moan, moan, moan""!
"
"zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...
zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...
zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...
zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...
zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz!!
"
"""down the pike!"" scream my friends mike and ike.
seems the pike is a fish they don't like.
i'd be with them, i would,
but the timing's no good?
maybe later i'll join, down the pike.
"
"some wordsmiths are truly fanatical
for words and names anagrammatical.
clint eastwood's extraction
becomes old west action,
a feat nothing short of dramatical.
"
"dee was lost in the outback with me.
she's from boston and i'm from d.c.,
yet i knew what to do:
""we must cooee, we two.""
""we must what??"" so i showed her: ""coooooooooooooooooooooooooo-ee!!""
"
"the last limerick i wrote? frank inspected it.
""there's a the missing here."" (i'd neglected it.)
i had written: i'd better
not give her letter.
""nice catch,"" i replied, and corrected it.
"
"if you think that my car you'll be bumming,
i'm afraid you've another think coming.
yes, that's think i just said,
and not thing there instead.
no, you're wrong. yes, i'm sure, so get thumbing.
"
"at the party, my wife was hysteric:
""you're serving us wine that's generic?
this bordeaux in a box
is the pits, you dumb ox!
it's insulting. no, more?it's barbaric!""
"
"assassin of youth? that's fantastic!
its history is surely elastic.
first a movie that warned
getting high should be scorned,
now as slang for ""the bud,"" it's sarcastic.
"
"ann began, ""i'm so glad tom is dead!
he was lazy, dishonest, ill-bred.""
that's no eulogy! i
am quite horrified by
this foul dyslogy given instead.
"
"with continuants, here is the thing:
there's no end to the sound that they bring
to a word till you say,
""well, let's call it a day.""
an example of this would be zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!
"
"""idle logic breeds wisdom ostensibly
to placate the masses insensibly.
with religion we go
to the burgeoning foe?""
""what the hell! can't you speak comprehensibly?""
"
"to be pretty, a woman's two eyes
ought to be of commeasurable size.
but if one, god forbid,
is like that of a squid,
she'll be not that attractive to guys.
"
"papa smurf formed his plan in a flash:
""blue-green leaves on my tree could mean cash!
they are bound to bestow
great good fortune, i know.
want good luck? you can kiss my blue ash!""
"
"chenopodium album? do tell.
i confess i don't know it that well.
but no matter how great,
let me tell you here straight:
it's a dud next to bat out of hell.
"
"when our dad bought our first tv set,
all us kids danced with joy, you can bet.
though the critics found faults
with my brother bob's waltz,
i drew praise for my fine minuet.
"
"air force one, as an aircraft, is great
for the president and heads of state.
(i'm just guessing because
the plane i flew in was
air force five hundred seventy-eight.)
"
"""we will garnish your wages,"" they say,
""if you don't pay doc clayton today.""
that sounds fair, so i won't
gripe or moan. if i don't
pay my doc, let his nurse dock my pay.
"
"there's a rule to which popeye adheres:
""never walk on a dock."" he has fears
that he'd sink like a rock,
and he might, since a dock
is the water that lies between piers.
"
"though the knives on their own are a steal,
i'm including a carload of veal.
plus i'll throw in a watch
and a bottle of scotch,
for just twenty-two bucks? what a deal!
"
"at thanksgiving mom shouted, ""dig in!
let november's food orgy begin!""
but she's like this year 'round?
meal for meal, pound for pound?
and insulted as hell if you're thin.
"
"in a setting decidedly weird,
the undersea circus was cheered
when a long-submerged ford
opened up and a horde
of some three thousand clownfish appeared.
"
"he's a backslapper, always the life
of the party: he flatters your wife.
just be careful that he,
with his compliments free,
is not slyly concealing a knife.
"
"i'm so gorgeous, i always stand out!
perfect hair! perfect face! perfect pout!
yet those pictures of me
are as foul as can be.
something's wrong with your camera, no doubt.
"
"edwin aldrin, the astronaut, was
in the '60s successful because
of his famed lunar stroll
(though that fame took its toll).
friends and family all know him as ""buzz.""
"
"the revered bank of england's discreet
when with other world banks they compete.
they show fiscal restraint
and their nickname is quaint:
""the old lady of threadneedle street.""
"
"""mayor wilson, we've heard that you're gay.""
""i believe that we all must obey
what our hearts say is right.
no more questions. good night.""
(well, he danced around that one, i'd say!)
"
"they were opposites, true, she and jacques,
but attract? no, that saying's a crock.
""we're just ships,"" said the lass,
""in the night. we will pass.""
slyly smiling, he countered: ""let's dock.""
"
"any cork in a bottle or jug
must fit tightly; it's got to be snug.
if it lets in the air,
any liquid in there
will be nothing that i'd care to chug.
"
"cyber cyranos?what do they do?
they write sharp online profiles for you.
for a fee, they'll compose
the most eye-catching prose.
find a mate pitching secondhand woo.
"
"""are you up yet? get moving, now! joh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hn?""
i can not beat this drowsiness... (yaw-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wn!)
while awake, i'm a flake,
but in dreams i can make
any woman my own. i'm don jua-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an.... ?????????(...zzzzz)
"
"just climbed everest (came down with a grin),
then i walked all the way to berlin
where i slept with the cream
of a field hockey team.
now i have to admit i'm all in.
"
"though his sales pitch had hardly begun
(""this battery's free!""), i was done.
""that sounds great. i'll take three.""
who's the idiot? me.
they were chargeless in more ways than one.
"
"""chincherinchee: no longer a lily,""
said a florist from bolton named millie.
""they're fragrant and white,
but their name is the height
(etymologically speaking) of silly.""
"
"kathryn's cheating! lord, what can this mean?
i am loathing this ""chris,"" sight unseen.
i need solace, advice.
kate's best friend sure seems nice.
yes, i think i'll confide in christine.
"
"though her spine takes the shape of an ""s,""
it's not something on which i obsess.
but the way that she jokes
about cheating old folks?
that's the crookedness causing me stress.
"
"see that crosswalk? i've sweated and sworn there.
i may faint if you're honking your horn there.
dromophobia, sweets,
means i fear crossing streets.
other side? hell, i should have been born there.
"
"animalia is sculpture of cats
or iguanas or horses or rats
or flamingos or monkeys
or tigers or donkeys
or weasels or vampire bats.
"
"playing yahtzee, i'd stepped on the dice box.
our replacement? an old spanish rice box.
but the dice were so cold
every time that i rolled,
you would think i was using an ice box.
"
"he had wordlessly pointed his gun,
and in silence the stick-up was done.
then by accident he
shot himself in the knee,
acting dumbly in more ways than one.
"
"i inherited half of kentucky.
in cards and in romance i'm lucky.
besides all my wealth,
i'm in excellent health.
every aspect of life is just ducky!
"
"up a mountain around bogot?:
""this anchor is bomb-proof!"" said pa.
""with my harness linked through it,
i'm safe. nothin' to it!
look, i'll give it a tug and it's ? waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!""
"
"in a chimney sweep contest, bo peep
took first place with the aid of her sheep.
also second, and third,
fourth, and fifth place?my word!
it was clear she had scored a clean sweep.
"
"drop a dime means ""to snitch,"" as before,
when you want to make enemies sore.
though you certainly may phone
today from a pay phone,
it costs you a quarter or more.
"
"a dressmaker's somebody, yes,
you would hire to make you a dress.
i think catch-22,
cary grant, and fondue
are all excellent, but i digress.
"
"though no uniform he or she wears,
each retired g.i. now declares:
""i'm supported today
by this group: dva?
the department of veterans affairs.""
"
"""here we are with the princess of song
in her home!"" (this decor is all wrong.
lord, that rug's beat to hell.
so's the furniture. well,
we won't dwell on her dwelling too long.)
"
"""a cold one,"" i asked of my ex.
my request wasn't meant to perplex.
i just wanted a beer.
she said, ""angela here
might suffice. she hates all forms of sex.""
"
"""your work has no d pth. it's a br ??z
r ading lim ricks as simpl? as th s .""
""is that right?"" i r pli d,
and th n, just to b?  snid ,
""how 'bout now wh n i d l?  th? ?'s?""
"
"though i'm sure your intentions are pure,
this assisted migration's no cure.
with our assets stretched thin,
we just cannot take in
all your tired, your hungry, your poor.
"
"achromatolysis?tom knew it well,
as he would. you see, tommy's a cell.
""my achromatin parts
have dissolved. man, that smarts!
now my life's gone directly to hell.""
"
"this renoir would be perfect for you!
you can trust me?i've sold quite a few.
it's authentic, i swear.
check his signature there:
""3 9 7 8 7 5 2.""
"
"""these cladrastis are yellowwoods, sue,""
said the plowwright. sue jumped and went, ""eww!""
""we've had glowworms and dewworms
and slowworms and screwworms
and strawworms since pre-wwii.""
"
"""what does apathy mean? i don't care!""
(stony silence) ""what's honesty? rare!""
(still no laughs?what a shock.)
""here's a good one: knock! knock!""
(lord, that comic is dying up there.)
"
"a broach is a pin?it's a brooch,
just as crouch can be rendered as scrooch.
in a poem, i'll use broach
when i want to rhyme roach,
but use brooch when i want to rhyme smooch.
"
"with cadences, drill sergeants train
new recruits, steady beats to maintain
when they march. sergeant deans
ordered, ""sing out, marines!""
so we gave him ""bei mir bist du schoen.""
"
"when two compounds express satisfaction
that results from their ions' attraction,
an exchange can be made
in a one-for-one trade.
that's a double replacement reaction.
"
"we were gettin' our butts kicked today.
to the drummer, the brass had to say:
""sergeant, beat a retreat.""
that was it?short an' sweet,
and more formal than just ""run away!""
"
"it's halloween night. i feel swell
since my costume has turned out so well.
someone asks, ""what are you?""
i reply, ""something new.
i'm a shell from the beach. concha tell?""
"
"my wife, ten months pregnant, was shivery.
all alone at our home, she was quivery.
then the mailman came by
and helped birth our new guy.
that's what's known as a special delivery.
"
"diffeomorphism? time to break out
the ol' webster's. they'll know it, no doubt.
""a differentiable"" (swell!)
""homeomorphism"" (hell,
two more words i know nothing about!)
"
"no more blankets or pillows, alas,
and my seat's half the size of my ass.
all free drinks have been barred.
i am told, ""swallow hard.""
such is life in economy class.
"
"a dandy-horse? not to my liking!
the absence of pedals is striking.
with no brakes and no gears,
one provides, it appears,
transportation more hiking than biking.
"
"plastic surgery often demands
some degloving, denise understands.
it's exposing the jawbone
right down to the raw bone.
it's nothing to do with her hands.
"
"i've had coitus fecundus just twice
in my life, but both times were quite nice.
two fine daughters resulted.
say books i've consulted,
""ingredients: sugar and spice.""
"
"""meet my date, dad. you might have objection:
a correctioner's gained my affection.""
""well, that doesn't sound bad.
you're an editor, lad?""
""no, i'm held in a house of correction.""
"
"a cattleship won't stop at ports
that are known for their fancy resorts.
on board are just cows;
there's no chance to carouse,
no fine dining or shuffleboard courts.
"
"i remark to my neighbor, ""nice day.""
""jesus christ,"" he says, ""made it that way.""
jesus this, jesus that?
i just want to say, ""scat!
you're just too christocentric, ok?""
"
"my approach has earned words of reproach
from bob boacher, our bowling team coach:
""the approach is the place
you haphazardly race
left and right: the approach of a roach.""
"
"i completed my four-year degree
in autology. now i can see
finding work may be hard,
since so many regard
it as worthless: i majored in me.
"
"you're the height of perfection, you think.
in your armor there's nary a chink.
flawless looks, brilliant mind,
you're god's gift to mankind.
want my contraposition? you stink!
"
"at my parties, my guests have no freedom
of choice in the cheeses i feed 'em.
there's just one i like much:
it's light yellow and dutch.
atop crackers, i serve 'em; they edam.
"
"what you see here: ....................................... are tiny black spots,
and some more: .............. and some more: .............., lots and lots.
if you count them, you'll see
(and i flat guarantee)
there are eighty diminutive dots.
"
"you think limericks are nothing but smut?
let me tell you, they're anything but!
maybe elsewhere, but here
the oedilf makes it clear
smutty verses do not make the cut.
"
"at an archeological dig,
dr. fenton did not give a fig
for our burial mound,
but when spacecraft were found,
even he was impressed: ""this is big!""
"
"hidden thieves hold a goblet encrusted
with gems.  one's at ease, one's disgusted:
""'rob museums,' you said.
now we'll both end up dead!""
""hey, calm down or you'll get us both busted.""
"
"the fictional knight don quixote
impressed ladies. they'd frequently note he
had manners and charm,
and a shield on his arm,
but no elephantiasis scroti.
"
"sally albright was acting erratically
in the deli and writhing ecstatically.
she wanted to show
her friend harry that, no,
men can't tell when gals ""fake it"" dramatically.
"
"jenny jumped on a chair and cried, ""eek!""
at the sound of a tiny mouse squeak.
she'd been programmed that way.
i remarked, ""how clich?!
why not have it for lunch?be unique!""
"
"my new key system's cheap, i confess,
since i don't have a ritzy address.
electronic? well, yes.
it's sufficient, i guess,
and it's better than no eks.
"
"giving credit where credit is due,
i deserve a full page in who's who.
maybe two. maybe three.
egotistical? me?
no, i'm just more important than you.
"
"what? the alfrabet? sure! a-b-c
d-e-f ella menno an' p,
q-r-s, h-i-j,
q-r-s, h-i-k,
u-v-dronkelewe-x-y an' z.
"
"my bedroom set (oak) wuz too plain,
so's i hired dis danish guy, blaine,
to go tinge it all red.
""yer a moron,"" he said.
he distained it, dis dane, wid disdain.
"
"conjoined twins: deradelphus, that's me.
(note i always say ""i,"" never ""we."")
i've one head, neck, and chest,
but then twice all the rest
as is normal?quite strange, you'd agree.
"
"dressed in black, there was clearly no doubt
that the doomsman would not muck about.
deadly serious, he
passed his judgment on me:
""stee-rike three!"" he asserted. ""yer out!""
"
"when i'm caught misbehaving, i'm dead!
""dorsocephalad,"" mommy has said,
""is an adverb to say
how i watch you each day.
i've got eyes in the back of my head!""
"
"rhyme and meter are key,
when combined with divine inspiration,
for your limerick to be a creation
that's as sharp as can be,
but what kills it? disorganization!
"
"disorganization? a mess!
where my taxes wound up, i can't guess.
as i search i find bunches
of letters, old lunches?
wait! here they are, filed under ""s.""
"
"it's a moment the camera froze:
the groom beams.  the friends smile.  the bride glows.
there's a heavenly peace,
but the bride's youngest niece,
in the background, is picking her nose.
"
"encephalopathy?life's never dull
with disease of the brain in your skull.
its effects could be strange
making words rearrange.
that's a thought for you over to mull.
"
"as the world's greatest cheapskate, it's said
that on blowfish fred once overfed.
he had well understood
that the chances were good
by the time the bill came, he'd be dead.
"
"ace brand bandages, let me explain,
are a godsend for treating a sprain.
wrap them 'round and 'round when
joints are swollen and then
bayer aspirin will lessen the pain.
"
"a.1. steak sauce makes dining complete.
it's a condiment, slathered on meat,
made with raisins and soy
and with oj, a joy
for all diners who like their steak sweet.
"
"first my legs were unscrewed, then my feet,
then my arms, hands, and head, nice and neat.
then each part found its place
in my carrying case.
my dismantlement thus was complete.
"
"definitionless? that's your complaint?
you declare that a good coat of paint
would be justified here?
let's be perfectly clear:
other lims may be lame?this one ain't!
"
"there are laws that we all must obey.
disobedience means that you may
find police at your door
to confront you and more:
they could haul your dumb carcass away.
"
"disobediency? kiss it goodbye!
disobedience caused it to die.
what's the difference between em?
you'd know if you'd seen 'em:
the older word ends with a ""y"".
"
"when a beggar approaches to say,
""might you have a spare dollar today?""
i feel strongly i must
turn him down, so i just
disoblige him and go on my way.
"
"for stupidity, pat was unmatched.
now he lies with a toe tag attached.
he stole drugs from the mob,
but they caught the poor slob.
who needs courts? he was quickly dispatched.
"
"on the day that darleen and i wed,
drex dupree shot my bride in the head.
he kicks dogs. he sells dope.
he rapes children. i hope
that dispiteous bastard drops dead!
"
"some say ambisyllabicity's quite
a fun place in which linguists can fight.
like, should wetter be ""wet-er""?
would ""weh-ter"" be better?
who cares? i've got limericks to write!
"
"a group called the dsna
has, for word geeks, a certain cachet.
you're a lexicon buff?
you just can't get enough?
well then, maybe you'll join them someday.
"
"with alkarsin you have to take care,
since it bursts into flames in dry air.
very oily, its smell
is like garlic from hell,
plus it's toxic. for god's sake, beware!
"
"said a teamaker, decades ago,
""orange pekoe is tasty, although
my new flavor, earl grey,
will be savored some day.""
his employer replied, ""make it so.""
"
"here's a riddle:  where milk may abound,
name the place fathers monkey around,
yet to feed it's devised
(and you might be surprised
at the source where the answer is found).
"
"i don't mean to sound harsh, i'm your buddy;
but your thinking's incredibly muddy.
your pet donkey, you say,
will be mayor some day.
pal, your cuddy is owned by a cuddy.
"
"our weatherman's nuts, so they say.
i tuned in to his forecast today.
with no clouds in the sky,
he announced:
""deeeeeeeeeeeeee...............
..................arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............................
.................................whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.""
(a long dry spell is headed our way.)
"
"with your neighborhood gangsters you've bet,
so that ""dollar bet"" may cause regret.
and that ""dime bet"" you've got?
sorry, buddy. it's not,
as you think, more affordable yet.
"
"eharmony plays on your fears
that you'll never find love. it appears
they succeed, by and large,
but the fees that they charge?
those could keep me in hookers for years!
"
"we have fought since the day that we met;
and the subject? the dumbest one yet.
we're both smokers, you see:
i say ""cig-a-rette."" she,
though, insists it's pronounced ""cig-a-rette.""
"
"there's a typo in grandma's obit.
""she was fat,"" so they say, meaning ""fit.""
at that libelous phrase,
i was laughing for days.
things like that crack me up, i admit.
"
"""diamond di"" is a millionaire's daughter.
see the gem-studded swimsuit he bought her?
in the ritziest pools
she is dripping with jewels,
unlike me (i'm just dripping with water).
"
"every surgeon's opinion? c/c.
he fell fifty-five feet from a tree,
so it's not a surprise
that the doctors advise:
""cancel christmas."" (he's dead as can be.)
"
"the skydiver's mother had bawled
at the sight of her son lying sprawled,
body broken, face cut.
he had bounced. (that is what
unsurvivable landings are called.)
"
"i was edgy and anxious for news
of the big-city critics' reviews
of my play. here they come:
""edgy ... daring ..."" say some,
but the times has declared, ""...a real snooze.""
"
"i'm defining eighteen. it's a breeze.
with a gimmick, i'll write this with ease.
let me simply explain:
with no sweat and no strain,
take this limerick and just count the e's.
"
"this confession will not be digressional.
bottom line: all my sins are possessional.
there are strange things i covet.
your workplace? i love it!
any chance i might buy this confessional?
"
"if your bone structure's actually big,
and each bone isn't thin as a twig,
then you're big-boned, it's true.
i mean others, not you,
you enormous gargantuan pig!
"
"it's a comment to instigate spats:
""your dof kids are just ignorant brats!""
in south africa, they
will use dof just this way.
(no, it's not what they do with their hats.)
"
"i believe some police have a knack
for employing a racial attack.
they seem prone to id
folks dwb
and then stop them for ""driving while black.""
"
"my diminuent passion for you,
dear babette, makes the both of us blue.
it is lessening, yes.
why this is, i can't guess?
goodness, here comes the mailman. woo-woo!
"
"though the pain is severe, i can take it.
but this feeling of doom? i can't shake it.
and my chart doesn't lie:
it says ""agmi,""
or, in other words, ""ain't gonna make it.""
"
"""auntie mae's on the c&amp;t ward!""
when i first heard this news, i was floored.
that's where cabbages and
any turnips on hand
(coma patients, like auntie) are stored.
"
"doug's the dopester who picked the last pope.
did he do this on heroin? nope.
he's no dopehead; he spends
all his time tracking trends.
you confuse the two words? you're a dope.
"
"what's dysuria? a: russian tea,
or b: feeling pain when you pee,
or c: when you're sure
that his motives are pure.
time is up. (yes, the answer was b.)
"
"my ear-nose-and-throat doctor said,
""there are five different holes in your head.
i peer in them to see
if you're malady-free,
slightly ailing, or soon to be dead.""
"
"""that patient's 4f."" ""what is that?""
""she's a flatulent female who's fat
in her 40s. these traits
mean that trouble awaits.
maybe gall bladder woes she'll combat.""
"
"i'm in school to become a detective.
with my courses, i must be selective:
how to handle a gun,
drugs and vice 101,
and interpretive dance (an elective).
"
"""eightscore hickies!"" i proudly declare,
though i'll have to stand totally bare
while the judges make sure
(though this record's obscure)
all one hundred and sixty are there.
"
"give me elbow room, dammit! don't crowd me.
i want all the free space that's allowed me.
when i'm dead, i won't care,
but right now? give me air!
i'm alive! it's not time to enshroud me.
"
"an eating utensil, you dork,
is a spoon or a knife or a fork
that you use to eat cake
or some chicken-fried steak?
or it's chopsticks for fried rice with pork.
"
"my eagle-eyed wife is a master
detective, which leads to disaster:
""this blonde eyelash,"" she'll whine,
""on your coat... it's not mine!""
not the smallest of clues will get past her.
"
"for some romance, rudolfo is ripe.
he's a bone cell, but this is his gripe:
he has eyes for inez,
a red blood cell, who says,
""sorry, bud, you're just not my cell type.""
"
"fear of chemicals?that's where you're at?
chemophobia? i smell a rat.
you can call them your foe,
but a phobia? no.
it's a prejudice, simple as that.
"
"william lee is refined, all agree.
and with ladies? gallant as can be.
an odd nickname, in fact,
lets you know how he'll act.
it's an adverb: ""bill 'chivalrous' lee.""
"
"patient's eyes respond well to the light,
pulse is good, and he sleeps through the night.
tests show nothing bizarre,
yet this guy's adr.
don't know why, but he ""ain't doing right.""
"
"on a drunk that has lasted a week,
my condition is hardly unique.
still, my clothes, black and white,
match my problem, all right.
maybe counseling's what i should seek.
"
"hold yer horses! i have to say whoa-a-a-a-a-a.
you say groening created it? noooooooo!
homer simpson says ""d'oh!""
but a long time ago,
what james finlayson uttered was ""d'ohhhhhhh!""
"
"""i'm a combinatorial fellow,""
said the agent. ""i pair bow and cello.
bud abbott, you'll party
with oliver hardy.
stan laurel? you go with costello.""
"
"""obsessive self-centeredness stinks!""
(daddy always gets loud when he drinks.)
""for example, there's jean,
egomania queen:
life revolves around her, so she thinks!""
"
"a pig that's electric? no way!
no such animal's living today.
would i buy one? hell, no!
that's ridiculous. ...oh?
it's a garbage disposal, you say?
"
"bth: what you don't want to do.
if the patient finds out, he will sue.
if you bury the hatchet,
you'd best damn well catch it.
let admin find out and you're through.
"
"victim killed at a crash scene, past care?
drt (""dead right there""), but compare:
drtttt.
he's in pieces, you see:
""dead right there, also there, there, and there.""
"
"i have dozens and dozens of plants
from my dozens of uncles and aunts,
and it's true i have dozens
and dozens of cousins
with dozens of rips in their pants.
"
"at chuck's chicks we ship chicks from the sticks
in large chicken chests chockfull of chicks.
i check over each chest,
frisk each chick in its nest,
and attest: no chick ticks in the mix.
"
"there's a saying i'm sure that you've heard
about using too long of a word
when you write or you speak.
if coherence you seek,
a diminutive word is preferred.
"
"since he's dead as he ever will be,
b&amp;t mr. lee in bed 3.
on his toe, place a tag.
put him into his bag.
get him outa here a.s.a.p.
"
"bed 19's 85. she said, ""please,
doctor, help me,"" but nobody sees
just what's wrong, so to me
it's just copd,
as in ""chronic old person's disease.""
"
"""fluff my pillow! go make me some tea!
you've no right to the title md!""
when such rants are the norm,
doctors want to perform
a procedure that's known as ae.
"
"""i see double. my hands won't stop shaking.
i'm dizzy. my joints are all aching.
i need drugs, i would guess.""
yeah, this guy's ats:
acute thespian syndrome. (he's faking.)
"
"doc, you're sure that i've got cbt?
chronic burger toxicity? me?
sure, i'm fat, i suppose,
and big-boned, heaven knows,
but obese? no, i must disagree.
"
"there's no reason for someone to warn dogs:
""be good, or be turned into corndogs!""
they're just hot dogs on sticks
dipped in batter you fix,
then deep fry 'em as-sure-as-you're-borndogs.
"
"""for the fjords he's undoubtedly dwining""
was a line in great need of refining.
since that word's obsolete,
michael palin said, ""neat,
but instead let's just say that he's pining.""
"
"if you notice your earpick's turned red,
you have used it too roughly and bled.
it's for taking out wax,
so go slowly?relax.
(no, a nosepick's your finger instead.)
"
"with an old-fashioned word such as earable,
you might think it meant something like ""hearable.""
no, in reference to land,
it means ""tillable,"" and
it's a term i find quite edward learable.
"
"eve is earless: the gal's got no ears.
this will limit her choice of careers.
any eyeglasses maker
will not likely take her
to model their wares, it appears.
"
"the tall ladder and winch and the rope meant
the scene had been set for elopement.
""no big church has the room
for our love!"" claimed the groom,
but ""i'm stingy"" was more what that dope meant.
"
"""what you've got is severe echolalia?""
""what you've got is severe echolalia.""
""that we've treated for years?""
""that we've treated for years.""
(and our cure, it appears, is a faylia.)
"
"yasser arafat, once unassailable,
has died, which to some is bewailable.
but who will they choose
to fill arafat's shoes?
(john ashcroft, i hear, is available.)
"
"marry hilary duff? i should try!
i'm a single, not-too-ugly guy,
so i'm eligible, yes,
but my chances, i'd guess,
rate right down there with snow in july.
"
"""burned in effigy?that was insane!""
called the rioter. ""let me explain:
this would normally be
just symbolic, but we
burned the bastard in effigy, maine.""
"
"i know earwax is gunk that appears
in a place that affects how one hears.
though its name may suggest
someone looking their best,
you don't use it for shining your ears.
"
"'tween identical twins i'm now choosing.
they're bewitching so, yes, it's confusing.
one's a psychopath, but
the other's somewhat
of a dope. gee, i can't win for losing!
"
"at one hundred and eight, great-aunt beth
has the flu and must fight for each breath.
on her chart you will see
this brief note: ""ctd.""
she is ""circling the drain"" (close to death).
"
"dates from hell? i once dated a mime,
and another spoke only in rhyme.
then a date from bordeaux
broke my heart long ago.
they all date from an earlier time.
"
"i've a friend (who's a linguist) named cody
who despises the name ""don kee-ho-tee.""
he says, ""people, please note: say
that name as 'kee-ho-tay.'
the don doesn't rhyme with coyote!""
"
"the word droven looks odd; that's a given.
it's an old-fashioned word meaning ""driven.""
""obsolete!"", linguists shout
at this word. ""throw it out!""
(have i strove to define it, or striven?)
"
"my friend made a somber confession:
""i'm fighting a real bad depression.""
""off your meds?"" ""they ran out.""
""apd then, no doubt.
your prescription you'll just have to freshen.""
"
"""stop your drinking!"" brunhilda will beg
of her beer-bellied son-in-law, gregg.
""he has drunk so much beer,
it's just fitting,"" i sneer,
""that his abdomen's shaped like a keg!""
"
"through a century of flight we have found
one firm rule undeniably sound:
when you're up in the air,
be intensely aware
of the distance 'tween you and the ground.
"
"dxm is a drug that's well known.
this stuff (dextromethorphan) has shown
it soothes coughing, yet i
hear it's used to get high.
such abuse i would never condone.
"
"i can tell that this left-hander's wish,
as he's tapping his bat on the dish,
with two strikes on him now,
is a change-up, then pow!
no such luck. here's my slider... and swish!!
"
"dirk's as drunk as a dog, no dispute,
or a broom or a poet (that's cute),
as a lord or a bat,
a boiled owl, and that's that.
nigel's british. he's pissed as a newt.
"
"there's a syndrome, economy class,
you can get when you sit on your ass
for too long. blood clots form
(in your legs is the norm).
round-trip coach to l.a.? think i'll pass.
"
"clyde loves college; he goes there a lot.
look at all the degrees that he's got.
is he educated? yes,
a collegial success
(though in real life he doesn't know squat).
"
"when aunt joan took a blow to the head,
both the emt specialists said,
""it's as clear as can be
that this gal's art.""
that's ""approaching room temperature"" (dead).
"
"""i'm preparing to go meet my maker!""
that's bed 7. her maker can take her.
she pretends to be deaf,
but she's not. bff
we have marked in her chart: ""big fat faker.""
"
"let me make, without any coercion,
this firm diagnostic assertion:
my boss is a guy
with intense cri,
meaning ""cranial-rectal insertion.""
"
"alben barkley, our oldest vp,
was a capable veep, most agree.
but why veep? what a word!
as a term it's absurd,
yet its background's amusing to me.
"
"between seven and nine, you'll find eight.
let's be sure that you're getting this straight:
start with six, add two more,
or say twelve minus four,
or two cubed. think you've got it now? great!
"
"there's a poet named steven, a teen,
who prefers to write even as e'en.
though that works, it's bizarre
how he'll take things too far:
he insists we address him as ste'en.
"
"""alackaday! charlie is dead!""
judy cried as she wept in her bed.
brother art did not see
her poor chick, and so he
accidentally stepped on its head.
"
"with the prospect of death i must cope
now i'm reaching the end of my rope.
since my cancer won't quit,
i'm afraid this is it.
i'm a terminal case beyond hope.
"
"""it'll drive you insane if you let it.
now obama's in charge, so don't sweat it!""
""in 2000,"" he sobbed,
""it's a fact?we were robbed!""
""bud, that issue is dead. please forget it!""
"
"one phenomenal roll in the hay
was complete. i was great, i must say.
then my love softly croons,
""chris, let's do that eftsoons.""
""what, again? right this moment? no way!""
"
"eighteen-wheelers? i'll list what they're not:
speedy, small, inexpensive, and hot.
they are trucks for loads less
than a trainload. (now guess
just how many huge wheels each one's got.)
"
"""dear, ease up! he just kissed our marie.
twenty lashes seem plenty to me.""
""what you say may be true,
darlin'. here's what i'll do:
i'll knock off at a hundred and three.""
"
"""on this x-ray, just what is that mass?""
""there's no need for concern. it's just gas.
just a plain b-i-t:
'burp in transit,' you see.
give it time; without fail it'll pass.""
"
"alcoholics and drunks all say greetings
when attending their aa's large seatings.
what's the difference, you say?
well, let's put it this way:
drunks may skip, if they like, the damn meetings.
"
"ray's effeminate. no, he's not gay.
""i'm just... softer. god made me this way.
i prefer light pastels
and warm kitchen-y smells.
won't watch football, but love the ballet.""
"
"johnny ""bottle tit"" taylor's in jail
and will stay there until he makes bail.
why the nickname? it's not
due to problems he's got
with his breasts?it's the length of his tail.
"
"at your high school reunion, they'll stare
now you're chubby and losing your hair?
no, put fears of this kind
wholly out of your mind.
don't concern yourself. no one will care.
"
"""if we want you, you won't get away.
just give in,"" state the borg. ""don't delay.""
they are known for insisting
there's no use resisting:
""colluctancy's futile,"" they say.
"
"want to see why my husband's no catch?
""these damn burners won't light!"" complains satch.
since he's using a range
that's electric, it's strange
watching satch wasting match after match.
"
"in the '80s his fans went berserk,
though i always thought boy george a jerk.
is he worshipped today
now he's 50? no way!
clearly ""middle-aged man george"" won't work.
"
"you tie grampa all night to his cot
and steal money from grandma a lot.
there is just no excuse
for this elder abuse.
you're a bastard who needs to be shot.
"
"take this term and precede it with pot,
and a fit and trim person you're not.
turn that pot into yellow,
a cowardly fellow
you are when you're put on the spot.
"
"he made counterfeit bills, tony wade,
but was lax in the family trade.
he was cautious, that lad!
did you know that he had
the first dollar his dad ever made?
"
"shootin' hoops, one-on-one, me an' sybil,
when i told her, ""i don't like to quibble,
but, once and for all,
you can't carry the ball,
since the rules clearly state you must dribble!""
"
"joey ? was tipsy, all right.
? latifah was high as a kite.
in a ?shop, a c?
met them both and then took
all their dough, thin?, ""man, what a ?!""
"
"what one word follows elder and child,
also verbal, both heavy and mild,
and emotional, too?
then there's self. that's when you
are alone?don't feel guilty, go wild!
"
"they moved pops, who's like 90 years old,
to the ecu, so we were told.
they could have just said
that our grampa was dead.
by this lie, all us kids weren't consoled.
"
"with frankenstein's monster, the mummy,
and count dracula, chaney was chummy.
but as wolf man he starred
many more times. regard
this as proof that the man was no dummy.
"
"for my pitching, i have no excuse.
my slider's of no earthly use,
my change-up is shot,
and my fastball's just not.
seems my only pitch left is the deuce.
"
"yes, the plane crash hurt baby, but bearably.
he was injured a bit, though not terribly.
we thank god he's alive,
and it's clear he'll survive,
so the next time he flies won't be cherubly.
"
"from the way that he speaks, you can tell
that my uncle is crazy as hell.
like, eccentric's a word
he considers absurd
when eccentrical works just as well.
"
"dermatology suits me. here's why:
all my patients will tell me that i
am a medical ace
as i help them save face,
and it's rare that a patient will die.
"
"ecophobic, ram?n lives in nome,
but finds comfort in rio or rome
or montana or maine
or st. louis or spain.
he's at home anywhere but his home.
"
"sweet sue is a blatant denier,
and here's proof she's a terrible liar:
she denies that she sleeps
with the ugliest creeps,
but, look there! see? her pants are on fire!
"
"with a word like desertful, one might
think that droughts were involved. no, not quite.
meritorious deeds
are desertful. one needs
no bright sunshine or sand dunes in sight.
"
"when morticia or gomez would ring
for the butler, the gonging would bring
ted cassidy's lurch,
but a little research
shows this actor had also played thing.
"
"""you're my sweet chickabiddy,"" he said
as he tucked his young son into bed.
i suspect that when dad
was as old as this lad,
he was dropped once or twice on his head.
"
"our neighbors, dulotic, advance
and enslave half my family. by chance
i escape, but my brother
is torn from his mother.
write congress? i can't. we're all ants.
"
"playing poker, 10-high in your hand,
you should do this at once, understand?
men hope breasts will do this
when they're eyeing some miss.
got no talent? do this for your band.
"
"chocolate candies fill up a big heart
that i give to my sweetheart, in part
to express how i feel,
but my motive, for real,
ain't her heart but a whole different part.
"
"our absolute altitude's taken
by machines that are rarely mistaken.
here in darkness complete,
i'm advised, ""seven feet.""
hope the passengers don't see me shakin'.
"
"in our alcohol-powered society,
it is clear that we have a variety
of nouns we can use
for ""the fallout of booze,""
and the oddest of these is ebriety.
"
"east by north, to a child, may appear
just the same as due east, but don't jeer.
if they'd ask, i'd submit
it's more north?just a bit.
that's why kids can't be pirates, it's clear.
"
"planet x is quite earthlike, they say,
with bright flowers and shrubs on display.
they've got oxygen there
in their breathable air,
and watch reruns of lucy each day.
"
"though my nautical knowledge is slight,
east by south i will teach you tonight:
put the ship into low,
first due east we will go,
and then steer just a bit to your right.
"
"they removed a large chocolate cyst
from my ovary that will not be missed.
filled with iron-rich blood
in this syrupy crud,
if it ever comes back, i'll be pissed.
"
"when some teen insults grown-ups a lot:
""old folks suck! mom and dad don't know squat!""
the adult in me thinks
disrespectfulness stinks,
and that kids of this sort should be shot.
"
"""your mother looks best in the dark""
is a derogant sort of remark.
add to that ""she's a pig,
and her ass is as big
as yosemite national park.""
"
"when the boss difficilitates work,
we get pissed at that bone-headed jerk.
why make harder the jobs
of us working class slobs?
too much more and we'll all go berserk!
"
"your great-grandson is not your descendent.
on good spelling, we all are dependent.
did you notice that ""e""
where an ""a"" ought to be?
then your smile should be wide and resplendent.
"
"judge, i dejerate (solemnly swear)
i'll stop dragging off babes by their hair.
still, i've just gotta say
some gals like it that way.
bet i score more than you do?so there!
"
"""though my friends diabolify chucky,
and they swear that for me he's unlucky,
he's no devil!"" cries anne.
""i would not leave my man?
not for all of the tea in kentucky!""
"
"it's deflagrable? that term's bestowed
upon things where great caution is owed.
careless heating could stop
with a ""snap, crackle, pop!""
(if unlucky, ""snap, crackle, explode!"")
"
"in the '70s, devo was king.
the mechanical way they would sing
was their own contribution
to ""de-evolution.""
today do they still have that zing?
"
"agrippina the younger lacked grace:
killed her spouse, put her son in his place.
but to nero, disgusted,
she couldn't be trusted,
so he had her rubbed out just in case.
"
"my boss was all smiles when he hired me.
two months later, this same man has fired me.
my dismission just came,
but his family's to blame:
seems his mother and wife both desired me.
"
"""danish dynamite""? no! that's none other
than an overseas football team, mother!
you're so wrong! it's, by god,
the danes' national squad.
ain't no way it's napoleon's brother!
"
"12th of never? that day i'll be cappin'
by renting a room to catch clap in,
from the queen, i believe,
and then liz will conceive.
(that's to say, ain't no way it'll happen!)
"
"examine this limerick: you'll find
a neat puzzle uniquely designed.
it's got style and, what's more,
with eighteenth at its core,
definition and word are combined.
"
"""like my duds?"" i asked all of my buds.
""these are clothes worn by all major studs.""
one said, ""not to be rude,
but they're hideous, dude,
and those studs are undoubtedly duds.""
"
"exclamation points?  here is the score on
their chatroom abuse:  if you pour on
these marks without end
as in ""hey, lady friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!""
all you're saying is, ""i am a moron.""
"
"i call bioacoustics an art.
it's the study of sounds, for a start,
that all living things make.
name a few? piece o' cake:
moo, baaa, ribbit, tweet, grrr, hee-haw, fart.
"
"eluxation has one other name:
it's luxation. the meaning's the same.
when you're dealing with bones
causing groans and deep moans,
dislocation's the name of the game.
"
"first, a twosome's just me and my date,
then a threesome is when we add kate.
and a foursome's one more
so that sex doesn't bore,
but an eightsome? man, that would be great!
"
"""an earthboard,"" declares farmer bert,
""is a part of a plow, i assert.
it's what touches the ground
so that earth is turned 'round.
it is not used for surfing on dirt.""
"
"an eagless, i have to assume,
is an eagle possessing a womb
(or whatever the term
for where eggs wait for sperm;
it's a whole different word, i presume).
"
"my psychiatrist feels that it's odd
that i worry the empress is god.
here's my fear, quite unnerving:
i might be deserving
of heaven, yet not get the nod.
"
"my anthophagous grandson looks hard
for bright flowers to eat in our yard.
he is healthy and so
we don't worry, although
from the rose bowl our family's been barred.
"
"the garden of earthly delights
is a work that intrigues and excites.
this elaborate piece
surely never will cease
to astound with its myriad sights.
"
"""you say bob will come through in the clutch?
will he put up resistance?"" ""not much.
let the tears freely flow
and he'll cough up the dough.
he has so earned the name easy touch.""
"
"on my first day at copenhagen u.,
anne pm'ed me from out of the blue.
with computers our major,
her text was, i'd wager,
a coincidence, truly: ""diku?""
"
"in the worst of all royal affronts,
i've been ousted! of all of the stunts!
doctor fletcher just phoned,
said i'm hereby dethroned,
and his order's effective at once.
"
"i got sweatpants for christmas (fantastic!)
for those rare times i'm feeling gymnastic.
but what makes them so great?
well, the way i gain weight,
they'll still fit since the waistband's elastic.
"
"uncle stan had a quirky demand:
""use elastic,"" he'd say. ""understand?
on this term i insist.
i will give you my fist
should you utter the words rubber band.""
"
"there's an edge to this music, they say,
that puts girls in a family way.
satan loves rock 'n roll.
turn it off! save your soul!
(that was then. we're much smarter today.)
"
"the edge of a knife is what cuts,
so be careful, no ifs, ands, or buts.
keep a butcher knife, say,
in a block or a tray.
stick that knife in your pocket?! you're nuts!
"
"the abraham lincoln brigade
came to spanish republicans' aid.
volunteers, they would fight
against fascism's might.
when they lost, we still held a parade.
"
"when we speak of ""the something effect,""
then that ""something"" we have to respect,
since it's clearly been shown
that the data's well known
and, to everyone's knowledge, correct.
"
"practice dummies are heavy and tough,
which is good, since they're beaten enough.
""hit those bags!"" coaches yell.
""what makes uniforms swell?
is it muscle or marshmallow fluff?!""
"
"""eastern fence lizards, how will you vote,""
they were polled, and their answers? i quote:
""both main parties we've tried,
but we just can't decide.
there's not much of a difference, we note.""
"
"coincidentally, my son has big feet
as does marvin, who lives down the street.
it's coincidence, sure,
since my wife's chaste and pure,
and assures me she never would cheat.
"
"a seductress has feminine thighs,
and a sculptress ain't one of the guys.
every actress you know
is a woman, and so
could a buttress be what it implies?
"
"?u?? ?o ln????? ?so? ??? ?ou ?? i
?u?p ?? u? p?d?? i ???????l s??? ????
p????? s,l?u????o ???
:p?????s ?,i ?nq '???o s?
?u???? sp??????q u? s,uoq??? u??p ???
"
"the benelux countries?  well, i'm
here to say it's a huge waste of time
writing limerick verses
on them because (curses!)
not one of the three has a rhyme.
"
"hurtling earthwards, a meteor could
change our lifestyle, and not for the good.
crashing somewhere, it might
be at best a rare sight,
or destroy us. (let's all knock on wood.)
"
"look at b, d, f, h, k, l, t?
seven lowercase letters, you see.
each one's an ascender;
they seem taller, more slender
than c, m, n, o, r, or v.
"
"as the high prince of pluto, i say
it is change our identities day.
we're now george bernard shaw.
i declare that this law
will go into effect right away.
"
"young lady, you're in for the day.
elucidation's required? ok.
you will not see that man
with the bed in his van?
not tonight, not tomorrow, no way!
"
"my penis is blistered! folks stare
and they tell me, too late, to take care.
other nudists here say,
""if you sunbathe all day,
first apply some good sunblock 'down there'.""
"
"any fan who's been watching the trends
of the oscars, this year comprehends
that a comedy won't
win best picture, but don't
count them out. who will win? that depends.
"
"the petite venus fly-trap, i grant,
is a well-known biophagous plant.
it turns flies into goo
for its dinner. can you
consume something still living? i can't.
"
"when young charlie mccarthy first heard
that his ""brother"" was mortimer snerd,
in a snit, he cried out,
""he's a dummy! a lout!
that's preposterous! crazy! absurd!!""
"
"i work nights in a dummy hotel.
it's a front for covert personnel
who assassinate men
every now and again.
now you know, i must kill you as well.
"
"define dripple? i'm told ""weak or rare.""
though it looks like a verb, please take care:
it's an adjective, but
an enigma, somewhat.
of its use i remain unaware.
"
"in my lexicographic pursuits,
i find words that are absolute hoots.
one is covert. you say
that's not funny? ok,
it's defined as (no joke) ""flock of coots.""
"
"a co-worker's flying to france
on vacation. i'll baby-sit plants,
two dalmatians, her house,
mr. whiskers (a mouse),
and her work if i get half a chance.
"
"on her head, all her hair had been piled,
and a beehive was beautifully styled.
it showed great expertise,
but when actual bees
began exiting, people went wild.
"
"just what's your position on pot?
do you like smoking doobies a lot?
or do you come down
on the side of that clown
who thinks all those who toke should be shot?
"
"'round the flonker, the girter will dance
as he flicks and scores wantons, by chance,
or a marther or ripple.
if swadged, he must tipple.
then the driveller gets to advance.
"
"adactylous, everyone knows,
means ""clawless"" (from greek it arose).
lobster lovers, please pause
before pulling their claws
and consider your fingers and toes!
"
"tired bag ladies, lame, stumble by
in the rain, and i just want to cry.
i will watch them, so sad,
without luck that i've had,
and think, ""there, but for god, stumble i.""
"
"""i will swear,"" announced greg, a floridian,
""on a bible dropped off by some gideon,
baby anne will arrive
with no collarbone. i've
got cigars all prepared: it's aclidian!""
"
"""there's a crane in the sky!"" cry my sons,
and my youngest is scared, so he runs.
that's the wise thing to do
if one's headed towards you.
such equipment can weigh fifteen tons.
"
"when it's autumn, what chore makes me smile?
to coacervate leaves in a pile.
i jump in when i'm done,
which is not as much fun
when they're placed on the ground single file.
"
"""you are earthbred,"" i tell him. ""i know,""
he replies. ""that is certainly so.""
do i mean that his birth
had occurred here on earth?
no, i'm calling him vulgar and low.
"
"""i bruise easily,"" moaned becky sue.
""please be gentle whatever you do.""
i considered this odd,
but one hug and, my god!
head to toe, she had turned black and blue!
"
"baby bouncer?  that's one of those things
in a doorway: a harness on springs.
once my grandnephew fred
jumped too high, hit his head,
and went ""waaaaaaaaaah!!"" (meaning, ""dammit, that stings!"").
"
"with computers, i've come to accept
that i'll always be somewhat inept.
buffer storage, i read,
and what came to my head?
""that must be where the buffers are kept.""
"
"i'm approached by this kid on a crutch
who has rickets and scabies and such
(so he says). food, he seeks:
""haven't eaten in weeks!""
do his problems concern me? not much.
"
"the bubble card hangs on a rack
in the drugstore displaying a stack
of five dice i can buy.
only then can i pry
off the cardboard that makes up its back.
"
"said a cyclist of old, gaston rebry,
""there's a cheese bought on line known as 'web brie.'
what its buyers don't eat,
they just throw in the street,
and i can't ride my bike for the debris.""
"
"homophobia's long held its sway
over dudes, but we're changing, i say.
men, in friendship, can merge
with no sexual urge.
let's give bromance its prideful new day!
"
"high-brow humor dim dan never chose.
he's a simpleton?sad, but it shows.
up on stage, he tells jokes
that revolt normal folks,
while amusedly picking his nose.
"
"in a move that is sure to amuse,
saint lou's church of perpetual booze
and wild parties permits
beachside services. it's
a discalceate order (no shoes).
"
"delightsomeness can't be a word!
have you heard of a word so absurd?
every writer agrees:
""use delightfulness, please.
of the two, it's the word that's preferred.""
"
"""who's tim curry?"" i asked, and she guessed right:
""he's that actor who sang and who dressed quite
bizarrely, you know,
in that famed picture show
as an intergalactic transvestite.""
"
"to help grandma, a smoker, to quit,
dad convinced her to truly commit.
gramps bought nicotine patches,
and i hid her matches,
each one of us doing his bit.
"
"it's where crows go to drink: the corveau bar,
a tumbledown beer and bordeaux bar.
i walked in and some fool
with a board-prying tool
screeched, ""get out, human! this is a crowbar!""
"
"his delusional state's getting worse.
he may claim he's a registered nurse,
or a saber-toothed predator,
or, lately, the editor
of a lexicon written in verse.
"
"""baby-walkers,"" the spokesman declares,
""are like tricycles cross-bred with chairs.
they help tots get around
when on smooth solid ground
(but they're not so good going down stairs).""
"
"""when you babyproof something,"" said clyde,
""make sure danger has no place to hide.
take this room of my son's:
no machetes, no guns,
and i'm moving the meth lab outside.""
"
"""joe's a jerk!"" remarked ann, with a smirk.
(i know both of these people from work.)
""joe, between you and me,
i am forced to agree.
let me echo ann's view: you're a jerk!""
"
"coats do not grow on trees, you'll concur,
and most certainly not those of fur.
then again, as you know,
we already can grow
a fine tree called the fir, as it were.
"
"your dentist may say, ""you have c_____.""
""but i floss!"" ""you're a liar!"" he p______.
""brush your teeth twice a day
and keep sweets far away.""
his advice, you may note, never v_____.
"
"playing ball in the bright july sun,
with the score all tied up, one to one,
in our next two at-bats
we hit doubles and that's
(with no errors involved) an earned run.
"
"""you rhyme brilliantly!"" fans say to me.
""rhymes are easy,"" i answer. ""you see,
since i write in, by choice,
an unnatural voice,
limericks come to me effortlessly.""
"
"moving slowly, we edge towards the door
as nude orgiasts writhe on the floor.
my misinformed buddy
had said bible study
was what we were coming here for.
"
"i've insulted hernando cortez.
there's an edge to his voice as he says,
""let me make this concise:
i don't need your advice.
plus, i think i look good in a fez.""
"
"in the standings, we're starting to slip
as a one-nothing loss ends this trip.
boston edged us today,
but that's better, i'd say,
than last night when we lost 20?zip.
"
"""true, my sex life's in full disarray
since i can't cut the mustard. ok,
i'm a washout in bed.
would it help if i said
i could still cut the ketchup?"" ""no way!""
"
"""most home runs by a lefty, career""
was a mark i had set and held dear.
now this new guy will get
even more, i regret.
he'll eclipse all my records this year.
"
"it was clear someone doctored her drink
from its strong unmartini-like stink.
it contains now a slug
of some foul date-rape drug
and a spoonful of bosco, we think.
"
"as a child of just seven or eight,
i thought bosco exceedingly great.
mom would mix it in milk
for a drink smooth as silk.
(when alone, though, i'd drink the stuff straight.)
"
"he just sat on his butt in his but.
(bet you read that first line and went, ""what?"")
out in scotland this word
means ""a kitchen,"" i've heard,
""in a small two-room cottage or hut.""
"
"the elo's a dog that is new
being bred to be friendly to you?
not for looks (though they're cute).
every breeder's pursuit
is the best family pet, tried and true.
"
"the west indies will give me the willies,
since i'm scared to eat sauces with chilies.
""don't be daft,"" says my dad.
""there's no harm to be had.
you make mountains, son, out of antilles.""
"
"""first i whittled a large number '10'
for the doretree, and stained it, and then
i attached it with screws.""
(the word doorpost, i'd use.
grandad's speaking archaic again.)
"
"""do the bean"" bubbled under unseen
on the pop charts. here's just what i mean:
top one hundred? not quite.
now its prospects? not bright,
since it peaked at one hundred thirteen.
"
"the guy in bed 8, mr. grover,
from tavern to bar was a rover.
he was injured, laid low,
a distinct dfo.
(that's just shorthand for ""drunk and fell over."")
"
"bill's in love, yes, i know, but there's trouble.
while i don't want to burst billy's bubble,
if a date should run long,
he might note something wrong
when he kisses her cheek and feels stubble.
"
"that was bubbleheaded! witless! unwise!
for worst ad pitch, you sure take the prize.
you can quit now your urgin'
we hire a virgin
to promote grandma pat's cherry pies.
"
"bob's a bubblehead. so is lorraine.
he will giggle as if he's insane,
but the lady's not dense.
it's that word's other sense
that fits her: she's in love with champagne.
"
"king of brothels?  i cannot deny i am.
i gave builders a rough bubble diagram:
""garden here. hot tubs there.
there a chapel for prayer.""
(that last item shows what kind of guy i am.)
"
"bubble dancers will dance, with balloons,
mostly nude to lascivious tunes.
there's one club that i know,
where old whalers will go,
with a sign out in front: ""no harpoons!""
"
"if a pilot reports that he sees
a full three hundred sixty degrees,
bubble canopies are
the main reason, by far,
that he'll win his next dogfight with ease.
"
"there's a gal who looks awful to me:
baggy pants, flannel shirts?that's marie.
with no make-up, hair flat,
and that big ugly hat....
all dolled up, though, she's something to see.
"
"nell is cursed. ""i am living in hell!
i'm the queen of the final farewell.""
if she's kissed you, it's said,
within days you'll be dead.
it's no wonder they call her ""death nell.""
"
"both his parents had long ago died
when he lost his once-beautiful bride.
now his children have passed.
of his kin, he's the last.
elder orphan's the term that's applied.
"
"an enchantress, more charming by far
than a goddess, that's just what you are.
should've known from the start
you'd be stealing my heart,
plus my wallet, my watch, and my car.
"
"an enchanter passed all of his tests
at his school, wizard u., which suggests
he's a sorcerer who
will work magic for you.
(an enchantress? the same, but with breasts.)
"
"whenever i see an enjamb-
ment, i scream because truly i am
shocked. they're wretched! i cry
out in pain since my eye-
balls are doubly assaulted. (wham! wham!)
"
"""my appearance impressed her, i saw.
i could tell by the drop of her jaw.
it was clear she was awed
by yours truly,"" said claude.
""she took one look at me and went, 'aw!'""
"
"hester prynne wore a big scarlet ""a""
as adulteress, back in the day.
but this pleased all the men
who like tips now and then.
they would see it and shout, ""a-ok!""
"
"i'm the early bird here, i confess,
in the office by six, more or less.
some resent this, i see,
and leave doughnuts for me.
what they're filled with, i don't want to guess.
"
"in a skirt, with abandon you twirled
thus revealing blonde hair tightly curled.
it's a cause for distress,
and embarrassing, yes,
but it isn't the end of the world.
"
"my relationship, dear, with laverne,
our accountant, is just my concern.
(note i don't say ""affair.""
many words can ensnare,
something every wise husband should learn.)
"
"""i am pregnant. my doctor has said
that my child has a very large head.
my urethra is small,
so i guess, all in all,
that dystocia's ahead,"" worries fred.
"
"ernest gave me keats' works, and i learn
that he yearns for greek urns in return.
""what's a greek urn?"" i say.
""about twelve bucks a day!""
""funny, ern! i said 'urn' and not earn!""
"
"earned run averages? here's how they're done:
if a pitcher gives up just one run
in a game due to hits,
but our fielding's the pits,
then his day's era is still one.
"
"read this magazine article, please;
it concerns a repulsive disease.
there's a picture that shows
how this malady grows
till your skin looks like bad cottage cheese.
"
"jake the bull is a master debater.
you may think that your argument's greater,
but when push comes to shove,
if your kneecaps you love,
you will come around sooner or later.
"
"i'm a fat girl. my only complaint
is when folks think i am what i ain't:
up the duff, preggers, late,
in a delicate state,
knocked up, eating for two, or enceinte.
"
"""define effervescence,"" liz quizzes.
(a word maven certainly liz is.)
all these questions annoy,
and i want to, oh boy,
shake and shake her fat head till it fizzes.
"
"""show some pep! get a job!"" i just frowned.
let me lie on a beach and get browned
or read comics all day.
on my ass i will stay.
maybe that's why they say ""bum around.""
"
"you should not clown around with the nuns.
this is something a wise student shuns.
for example, should they
serve you hot dogs one day,
don't call out, ""sister mary, nice buns!""
"
"let me bat around europe a year.
hot french women and cold german beer
i'll enjoy as i roam
before coming back home
to hit college and start a career.
"
"i was first up at bat in that inning,
and my double was just the beginning.
later, out number three
was none other than me.
we had batted around and were winning.
"
"the tall blonde with the double-d boobies
has a cigarette case lined with rubies
and diamonds and pearls.
just the wealthiest girls
have such flash for the storage of doobies.
"
"me, me, me. me, me, me. me, me, me.
me, me, me. me, me, me. me, me, me.
me, me, me. me, me, me.
me, me, me. me. me. me!
me! me! me! me (not you)! me! me! me!!
"
"painting white roses red is no fun
for a worker who's under the gun.
should the queen, seeing red,
bellow, ""off with his head!""
he'll be dyeing in more ways than one.
"
"our new enterprise hopes to restore
rules of english too many ignore.
we're pedantic, agreed,
but we feel there's a need
to go boldly where none's gone before.
"
"i know that a barroom is risky.
when drunk, men get overly frisky.
plus i'm broke. ""mom,"" i vowed,
""if we're ever allowed
in together, he'll buy his own whiskey.""
"
"you're brutal and cruel? you're barbarian.
conspicuous wealth? you vulgarian!
but study all night
getting rudiments right?
well done! you're an abecedarian!
"
"i am french and, as such, batrachophagous.
carve those words on my tomb or sarcophagus.
frogs may kill me one day
for their legs have a way
of obstructing a person's esophagus.
"
"i believe i can honestly state
my mom's sister, loretta, looks great.
though she isn't a ten,
she's attractive to men.
i would say my enate is an eight.
"
"at la casa de danny devito,
enchiladas were served. ""they're finito,""
dan called, but, ""hey, boss,""
i replied, ""there's no sauce.
what i've got here is just a burrito.""
"
"""keep your blondes and your redheads!"" dad gets
very loud in pursuit of brunettes.
""if hair's brown, that's all right,
if it isn't too light.
bring me dark-haired and willing nymphets!""
"
"dan's clued in and he's headed for fame.
he knows info's the name of the game.
nigel's british and he
is clued up, but you see
both these terms mean exactly the same.
"
"she's my better half?two little words
meaning ""spouse,"" but that term's for the birds.
i admit, with dismay,
she weighs so much today,
i would say she's my better two-thirds.
"
"can i tell you my name? i cannot!
but my code name is ""20-watt yacht.""
i've just come from pyongyang
where i photographed?bang!
(bob's a bigmouthed ex-spy, newly shot.)
"
"if your husband won't hear your entreaties
(""stop cheating on me with your sweeties!""),
maybe counseling might
make things turn out all right.
better yet, why not poison his wheaties?
"
"there's a carrotmob scheduled today
where one fifth of each price that you pay
for all items at lou's
goes for items they'll use
to support a green earth in some way.
"
"""there's a crow on line two."" ""i'm in awe
of your speaker on 'crows and the law.'
let your listeners know
we have rights, every crow!
and i thank you for taking my caw.""
"
"my little league team just got beat
in a shameful and crushing defeat.
though my mom says, ""don't cry,""
i can't hear her since my
disconsolacy's truly complete.
"
"fifty candles present quite a fire
on this birthday cake. may i inquire,
isn't gram 63?
yes, she is. all agree
that she's sweet, but a terrible liar.
"
"bob's a baker who weighs half a ton.
he gets married today?oh, what fun!
and babette, his young bride?
four feet tall, six feet wide.
it's their big day in more ways than one.
"
"on a sidewalk, face down, i was sprawled.
""please! i'll pay you your money!"" i bawled.
then my loan shark, big ed,
touched my toes to my head.
a back circle is what this is called.
"
"""but how did he sneak past the sentry?""
asked watson. said holmes, ""elementary.
in a brilliant disguise
as a burger and fries,
he delivered himself and gained entry.""
"
"sir, it's clear that your whorehouse defrauds!
you've embrotheled some waxy-skinned bawds
(making whores out of cuties
and statuesque beauties),
then named the place ""madam tussaud's""!
"
"a hillbilly judge is condemnin'
my cousin to death. they put clem in
a prison where we'll
see him eat his last meal
of fried duck's-foot or roasted wild lemon.
"
"the ends of the earth are remote,
spots not easy to get to by boat
or by plane or by car
since they're terribly far,
far away in the boondocks, you'll note.
"
"i declare that i'm now anti-'til
because 'til and, worse, 'till make me ill.
if my use of until
drives my meter downhill
'cause it just will not fit, then till will.
"
"a lean cut of meat might be nice.
hold the fruit juice, potatoes, and rice.
though your breath may smell odd,
you'll be slimming, by god!
atkins diet?me try it? no dice!
"
"what celebrity started a flap
getting caught with some babe on his lap?
there's the national debt,
war, and famine, and yet
we concern ourselves daily with crap.
"
"michael jackson, invited to tea
by a japanese mayor, said, ""gee,
let's attend as a pair.
we'll make quite a splash there""
(this to bubbles, his pet chimpanzee).
"
"if you're using abaft, i would note,
you're astern or behind when afloat.
if you're nautically hip,
that's ""the rear of the ship.""
if you're me, it's ""the back of the boat.""
"
"my prospects aren't overly grand
with six, seven, nine, ten in my hand.
if i just had an eight-spot,
i'd be in a great spot:
the pot would be mine to command.
"
"no consonants!  does this seem ominous?
it's with rough-surfaced lava synonymous.
yet the thought it conveys
with two capital a's
is, of course, alcoholics anonymous.
"
"our bubble economy's growing!
stocks keep climbing with no sign of slowing.
these are boom times unchecked,
yet i can't help suspect
that the seeds of our downfall we're sowing.
"
"first approach any sucker you choose
in a place where they're retailing booze.
""who was pope, it appears,
for a thousand plus years?""
it's a bar bet you'll not likely lose.
"
"a chocolate soldier is one
who is peaceful when all's said and done.
to no combat assigned,
not at all do i mind.
let me carry a tune, not a gun.
"
"said raquel, a devoted word nerd,
""isn't beautifulness rare, as a word?
its reverse, if you will,
would be ugliness. still,
it's the latter that's frequently heard.""
"
"baby jessica slid down a well
and was stuck there for quite a long spell.
all the world came to pray,
so i guess you could say
that she rose to the top when she fell.
"
"my juanita fights hard against grayness,
so her noches can all be muy buenas.
how's her looks? not half bad!
dealbation she's had
in her hair, on her teeth and her anus.
"
"i love sex, but for her it's a chore.
as for kids, she wants one; i want more.
she's agnostic; i pray.
i love jazz. her? no way!
it's a pity we're not en rapport.
"
"for your practical jokes you're renowned,
but when daddy comes, don't ass around.
keep a profile that's low
and let nobody know
you're unhinged and completely unsound.
"
"cleveland pitcher craig stone, reports say,
broke both arms and his pelvis today.
plus his doctor said, ""craig,
you've come down with the plague.""
the dl is where stone's gonna stay.
"
"an air gun's soft, menacing noise
often makes it a favorite with boys.
each year there's great grief
stemming from the belief
that these weapons make excellent toys.
"
"when something's the color of cream,
like two scoops of vanilla supreme,
it is labeled cream-white.
you're aware of that, right?
gee, you're not as obtuse as you seem.
"
"the brie speedo, brand new, is two grand,
but in every review it's been panned:
""faulty engine and brakes?
at high speeds the car shakes.
it's a deathtrap and ought to be banned.""
"
"the term beach bum's no longer pc
and so if you're referring to me,
i'm a ""sun-rich downscale
underprivileged male
free air oceanfront self-employee.""
"
"what's a copplestone? gee, there's no telling.
does a webster's exist in your dwelling?
look it up. some confuse it
with cobblestone. use it
and people may question your spelling.
"
"apiphobic, i'm frightened of bees,
yet at ease with flies, beetles, and fleas.
association can cause
other strange phobic flaws:
i'm afraid of n's, h's, and v's.
"
"i've a camel (the beast, not the smoke).
this is common for middle east folk,
although should you address
us as jockeys, my guess
is our anger you'll likely provoke.
"
"vick the viking declared, ""it's incredible!
this village is wholly depredable.
the livestock is seizable,
the women are squeezable,
the food's all unguarded and edible!""
"
"though my ex is an absolute fox,
i find single life totally rocks.
""you disyoked me!"" i cried.
""now i'm free."" she replied,
""i completely agree, you dumb ox!""
"
"there's no heat since they turned off our gas,
and there's frost on the mirror, alas!
with our lips turning blue,
one thing's certainly true:
it's as cold as a welldigger's ass.
"
"trading votes on the house floor was why
dick gephardt was heard to decry:
""you misunderstand,
no revenge is at hand.
i just wanted an aye for an aye.""
"
"""father michael, we're sure you're devout,""
wrote the taxmen. ""we've figured that out.
but 'our lady of weed
and big boobies'? indeed!
sir, your churchship is clearly in doubt.""
"
"i'm a sawbones. nurse ann is a virgin.
in my dreams, we're chirurgeonly mergin'.
i may sow some wild oats
since that adverb denotes:
""in a manner becoming a surgeon.""
"
"an eye for an eye for an eye
for an eye for an eye for an eye
for an eye for an eye
for an eye for an eye?
watch the homecoming troops stumble by.
"
"my wife and i like to relax
on our lawn, in the nude, on our backs.
once some neighbors complained:
""our young son's entertained""?
so we charged them a cabaret tax.
"
"you could say i'm a cannibal cell.
i'm a cell, and i eat cells as well.
""eat hearty,"" friends say,
though they all stay away.
my cytophagous diet is swell.
"
"although some hate a talkative cabby,
if he's good i don't mind if he's gabby.
but one was so chatty
we missed cincinnati
and wound up at westminster abbey.
"
"you declare that you love me?? oh, yes!!
(*sniff*) you've moved me to tears, i confess!
if you stray, for a start
i will cut out your heart!!!
an emotionalist? me?  ...how'd you guess?
"
"an astonishing babe passed me by
to lock lips with this hideous guy.
i was stunned as she pressed
his foul hand to her breast.
in frustration, i moaned, ""ay-yi-yi!""
"
"evil ranch hands together were scheming
'gainst a greenhorn they weren't much esteeming.
with his reins cut one day,
the dude galloped away
holding onto the biscuit and screaming.
"
"playing golf, i had scored 98,
though the second nine holes weren't that great.
then i took a short stroll
to the club's 19th hole
to attend to my frail mental state.
"
"in the desert, we found an oasis:
bottled beers by the hundreds to brace us!
""a mirage!"" some men cried.
i said, ""why not decide
which are real on a case-by-case basis?""
"
"drunken parties each night? that's the norm.
gross perversions of every form
are all commonplace now
on this campus, and how!
there's no dormancy found in the dorm.
"
"disgestion's defined as ""digestion,""
which is prompting the obvious question:
what's that little ""s"" lending
the process extending
from swallowing on to egestion?
"
"pastor dan is firm denominationalist.
and the group that he leads? congregationalist.
every sunday he's viewed
holding services nude,
since he's always been quite the sensationalist.
"
"if word a is defined as ""word b,""
which in turn is defined as ""word c,""
and they go on to say
that word c is ""word a,""
then your source is the pits, you'd agree.
"
"'92?the great transfer occurred:
jay moved in, but it's dave who's preferred.
the tonight show is what
we delighted in, but
""heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's johnny!"" is no longer heard.
"
"tonto questioned his friend, the lone ranger:
""you say, 'dangerousness never a stranger.'
maybe better eschew
obfuscation. why you
use big word? kimosabe mean danger.""
"
"our pi?ata? a 90-pound sheep,
since the ones at the store don't come cheap.
mom arrived on the scene
like a pissed-off marine:
""cut the noise! daddy's trying to sleep!""
"
"""hey, boy! get my shoes shined up right.""
(this was said to a man who's non-white.)
that term of address
is offensive, so, yes,
this dumb bigot is in for a fight.
"
"i like cable tv not that much
since, besides the sopranos and such,
i don't give it a glance,
yet i pay for the chance
to watch gilligan's island in dutch.
"
"no more work to put food on the table,
for that lottery win will enable
a bountiful life:
cars for me and the wife,
and a lover for ugly aunt mabel.
"
"my ex, when she left, cleaned me out.
i am penniless?broke!?beyond doubt.
that she loses my car
and my fender guitar
to some thug is my wish most devout.
"
"folks in belleville will stand up and shout,
""we're conservative, peaceful, devout?
the american way!""
but let somebody say
""60 minutes"" and fights will break out.
"
"there's this room where two people are mergin'
that's real dark like you might sing a dirge in.
the groom's got this hat,
and the bride's short and fat
and wears green, so that means she's no virgin.
"
"she was born with long hair to her thigh,
and large breasts for a newborn, say i.
on a seashell she's seen
looking more like nineteen,
as two angels are blowing her dry.
"
"rembrandt's dana??this is another
nude painting, but not like no other.
my kid brother confessed
that this lady, undressed,
makes him barf 'cause she looks like our mother.
"
"blue nude shows a woman of 30
who's not all that terribly perty.
she looks sadly serene
and obscure, as if seen
through a glass that's dark blue and real dirty.
"
"i'm a limericist paid by the line.
now i'm told we'll economize? fine,
yet i'm fearful of what
sorts of corners you'll cut.

you won't pay for fifth lines? i resign!
"
"""code amber!"" the staff is alarmed
since this means that a robbery (armed)
is in progress, or maybe
some jerk's grabbed a baby.
just pray that it's brought back unharmed.
"
"yes, i called that code blue here today.
no, my patients are feeling ok,
but we must spread the word:
on tv i just heard
a tornado is three blocks away.
"
"there's a bomb threat?evacuate now!
or celebrity patients?oh, wow!
a code purple means these,
""no more patients here, please,""
or some old guy's a space case?and how!
"
"what is endmost in each line you see
of this verse is the same, you'll agree.
you will carefully note,
if you see how it's wrote,
that the letter each ends with is ""e.""
"
"""that's all, folks!"" is carved on the stone
at the grave of an actor well known.
why this epitaph choice?
when alive he gave voice
to some friends i have never outgrown.
"
"i loathe crickets and cockroaches madly.
in a world without bugs, i'd live gladly.
even pictures of ants
make me mess in my pants.
i've got entomophobia badly.
"
"to an actor turned skater, named greg,
we just wanted to say ""break a leg!""
your production sounds nice:
humpty dumpty on ice,
so perhaps we should say ""break an egg!""
"
"""pam is cross-eyed,"" advised pastor paul.
though i thought she'd be sure to enthrall,
what a lousy blind date!
neither eye would point straight,
and she wasn't religious at all.
"
"you're unfaithful.  she knows you're a liar
when you swear that she's all you desire.
don't let her discover
her sister's your lover.
that'll only add fuel to the fire.
"
"when you bounce out, my sources are saying
(and these sources i'm carefully weighing),
the ball, without doubt,
makes a bounce, then you're out.
fine, but what the hell sport are you playing?
"
"chrysothamnus nauseosus provides
desert growth where the jackrabbit hides.
it can grow to three feet;
its aroma is sweet,
but it's quite nasty tasting, besides.
"
"she had come to the end of the line.
her career up till then had been fine,
but when customers yawn
and shout, ""put 'em back on!""
for a stripper, that's not a good sign.
"
"a ""looney tunes"" friend has passed on.
porky pig died this morning at dawn.
to some cartoon-type birds
he conveyed his last words:
""bdbdbdbd, that's all folks!"" and then he was gone.
"
"was ma barker the primary mover
behind every illegal maneuver
her sons ever made?
is this truth that's conveyed,
or just bullshit from j. edgar hoover?
"
"fifty thousand approved?we've been smitten!
with the limerick bug we've been bitten.
if i'm asked to assess
our full output, i'd guess:
one decillionth of all that's been written.
"
"an enlisted man's normal attire
is fatigues. facing enemy fire,
he protects me and you.
there are women there too.
you can spot them: their voices are higher.
"
"donna asked after dan when we spoke.
she had heard he was sickly and broke.
i replied she'd been had,
but she said, ""that's too bad.
if there's one thing he needs, it's a stroke.""
"
"""call again,"" you might hear at a store
from the clerk as you head out the door.
though he sounds like your friend,
what it means in the end:
""hurry back and we'll sell you some more!""
"
"""afternoon!"" called my neighbor. i'd say it was
a nice greeting, though such a clich? it was.
with that simple hello
he declared he's not slow,
since he knew just what part of the day it was.
"
"i've been chasing around, here and there,
checking every boutique in the square
for a breakfast croissant
just the way that you want.
seems that fish ones are terribly rare.
"
"this art prompts the word reminisce:
i had once done a ""painting"" like this.
but my mother said, ""dave,
this is one we won't save.
it's a drawing nobody will miss.""
"
"crucifixion, by salvador dali,
is a interesting painting, by golly.
this guy has a flare
for support in midair.
i'd say dali's some sort of svengali.
"
"as we drive to the dumping ground (bump! bump! bump!)
with this thug in our trunk banging thump! thump! thump!
i remark, ""we're like tonto.
we're taking trash pronto
to the dump, to the dump, to the dump! dump! dump!""
"
"there once was an old man named katz [hackneyed]
ol' man katz quinn domiciliates cats, [""katz/cats"" redundant / doesn't mean anything]
and the neighbors all think that he's bats. [no def here]
with the stink and the fights,
he keeps neighbors up nigths. [sounds like quinn stinks]
he's been evicted from seventeen flats. [starts w 3 uss]
[expect grief from editors ref use of ""flats"" (unnatural for yank writer) / simple answer: i'm american but quinn is british]
"
"the blue boy, i'm sure, thinks he's cute
in his 12-button velvety suit.
is that make-up he's wearing?
and check out his bearing?
that pose! and those shoes! what a fruit!
"
"here's a reader from boston who writes:
""when i travel the south i have fights
with the lunkheads down there
who appear not to care
that it's wrong to say 'cut out the lights'!

(signed) correct northerner""
"
"tell me, what can a backfire cost?
what occurs: you explode your exhaust.
once, a poet thus shaken
""the tune-up not taken""
was inspired to write (robert frost).
"
"""the worst restaurant service i've had
is right here?it's remarkably bad!
the way i've been treated,
i'm growing quite heated!""
said a lobster named lou, boiling mad.
"
"beware the seductive enchanter!
resist his warm, intimate banter.
late tonight, some sweet lass
will succumb to his pass,
yet next week someone new will supplant her.
"
"drunken brigitte's a fallen down loser,
yet the bartenders never refuse her.
moderation is key.
stop at two drinks, or three,
or you'll end up like brigitte the boozer.
"
"i produced seven nuns on the run,
but went bankrupt before it was done.
with my bank account taxed
and my credit cards maxed,
it was chargeful in more ways than one.
"
"frank was drunk as a fiddler. they say
this expression comes down from the day
that a fiddler might be
paid in liquor, you see.
surely that's why so many would play.
"
"when the civil war broke, cooter cried,
""with the blue or the gray shall i ride?""
to remain on the shelf,
he got drunk as himself,
too unfit, then, to serve either side.
"
"macdougal keeps fleas in a wee pot
he built for this purpose: a flea pot.
he's as useless, contends
every one of his friends
(who should know), as a chocolate teapot!
"
"""he was brown as a berry,"" said maw,
though that phrase had an obvious flaw.
in describing her dad
(and his tan), she would add,
""though not blue-, black-, cran-, boysen-, or straw-.""
"
"b. f. goodrich employs a supplier guard
to work at their stores as a tire guard.
his first week, at great cost,
eighty whitewalls were lost.
he's as useless as a chocolate fireguard.
"
"chocolate leather has got what it takes
if you're building elaborate cakes.
when corn syrup's combined
with some chocolate, you'll find,
rolled or shaped, many structures it makes.
"
"strolin's cure-all increases virility
and prevents broken limbs and senility.
cancer, asthma, and gout
will be banished, no doubt
(though it won't cure advanced gullibility).
"
"an obese alcoholic named andy
is addicted to booze and to candy.
both habits he feeds
at one time. all he needs
is a bottle of chocolate brandy.
"
"arthropodium strictum? first rate!
lilies smelling like chocolate? great!
no, i wouldn't trade for a
fritillaria biflora
where color's its cocoa-like trait.
"
"in a large tub of water, bob found
twenty apples all bobbing around.
this was new to him, sadly.
he played the game badly.
on his very first turn, bobby drowned.
"
"i eat borscht in a barm cake (a bun).
hot fudge haggis is tastefully done.
when made with greek feta,
risotto is betta.
cross-cultural dishes are fun!
"
"while cahoot means ""collusion,"" i've mused
that the singular seldom is used.
in cahoots may be heard
to mean ""plotting."" the word
by itself, though, will leave folks confused.
"
"""it's quite clear why loretta's complaining.
entertaining three men can be draining.
plus there's housework to do
and her five-year-old, too?""
""back up. what do you mean, 'entertaining'?""
"
"said the package of seth's lsd:
""best when taken by '73.""
he was later to quip,
""my bad trip was a pip!
i was raped by a sycamore tree!""
"
"""a demotion is coming your way,""
says my boss, but i shrug, ""that's ok.""
then i ask him (the jerk!)
what he thinks of my work.
""you're a cut above worthless, i'd say.""
"
"when driving, i've always ignored
any sign reading baby on board.
you've got kids in your van
so you ask if i can
drive more safely? you're out of your gourd!
"
"i'll be dropped btwside some day.
i can tell btw people say,
""your miss muffet will steal
daily curds for her meal
yet, quite honestly, still btw.""
"
"a photographer's what i will be!
i have wanted this since i was three.
but no talent have i,
so i'll have to apply
for a job at my town's dmv.
"
"want some adam? just walk up and say
to the dealerman, ""mdma,""
or, if you've got the moxie,
say, ""methylenedioxy-
methamphetamine,"" and be on your way.
"
"""many said of this man, 'yes, he drinks,
and he's fond of his sexual kinks.'
we will miss you, marcel,
now you're burning in hell.""
(as a eulogist, god, this guy stinks!)
"
"after sex: ""yes, i love only you,
but i'm married, so here's what i'll do:
i'll confirm to marie
she's important to me?""
""don't equivocate! tell her you're through!""
"
"with the theater in flames, i was freaking!
through the smoke, any door i was seeking.
pushing, shoving, and more,
knocking kids to the floor,
""every man for himself!"" i was shrieking.
"
"many texters do not have a clue
about spelling, but what can you do?
shortened forms make me queasy,
like this: ""take it ez!""
what's wrong? easy's 2 hard 4 u?
"
"here's a riddle?i'll make it succinct.
in what way are the following linked:
the huge brontosaurus,
the fierce carnotaurus,
and good manners? (they're all now extinct.)
"
"""go evacuate kate and her friends!""
shouts the marshal, and i'm who he sends.
though their house is on fire,
their status is dire,
it's enemas chief recommends?!
"
"though pope eugene i was a saint,
here and now wildly famous he ain't.
were he living today,
""that's eugene,"" he might say,
""though that's really my only complaint.""
"
"of pope eugene ii, they say
love of wisdom and god he'd convey.
he was humble, devout,
jeans and t-shirts were out,
and dumb bishops were sent on their way.
"
"a code adam means: ""please look around?
there's a kid who is not safe and sound!""
it is used the world over,
from delhi to dover,
to say that some child can't be found.
"
"the transition was truly uncanny:
doctors gave him a prominent fanny,
a vagina, and breasts
per my grampa's requests.
they enwomaned him. now he's my granny.
"
"the blue orchid's an orchid that's blue.
i suspected as much, didn't you?
don't define it as gray,
pink or yellow, or say
it's a daisy, whatever you do.
"
"""advantageable?"" captain courageous
shows disdain that's sincere and contagious:
""why describe my ability
to fly with agility
as that when you've got advantageous?""
"
"alan's speeches contain allegoricalness.
he says symbols enhance oratoricalness.
plus, predictions he'll make
to effectively fake
a symbolically strange delphic-oracleness.
"
"rocky figured what bullwinkle moose meant
when he said, ""the grenade and the noose meant
there's trouble afoot""
was his fears were well put.
he agreed with his partner's deducement.
"
"said the wedding photographer, smugly,
""the couple looked great sitting snugly.
all that 'two becomes one'
was artistically done.
it's a shame that the groom was so ugly.""
"
"watch ram?n as he proudly unveils
painted fingernails (strange when on males)
2.5 inches long!
(on a guy, that's just wrong.)
he has named them his ""eightpenny nails.""
"
"when a ""fan"" writes, ""i desperately yearn
to, real soon, disembowel howard stern
and then roll in the gore
of his guts on the floor,""
such bloodthirstiness causes concern.
"
"""our football team's sure in a jam.
i could use a good dre, sam.""
""well, ok,"" he advised me,
and then he surprised me
with a digital rectal exam.
"
"to a fellow who walked with a swish,
said a genie, ""i'll grant you a wish.""
""i want coitus a unda""
(a terrible blunda,
since now the poor guy's a gay fish).
"
"by round 10, danny's cut like the dickens,
and the thought of more punishment sickens.
yet his corner man, wearing
full blackface, is swearing:
""ain't nobody here but us chickens!""
"
"aphidophagous, me and my mate
both agree eating aphids is great!
whenever i care
for some burger king fare,
i request that they add six or eight.
"
"for sheer horror, code lindbergh's unmatched.
it declares a vile plot has been hatched
and then put into play.
i can't fathom a way
i'd have lived if my child had been snatched.
"
"code orange is used for a spill
that is radioactive (no drill!)
or a violent guy
(who knows what he may try)
judged by docs to be mentally ill.
"
"doctor young says i'm fat (like that's news):
""you've got 70 pounds you should lose.""
what, me jog? i'm all wet,
clearly breaking a sweat,
just from bending to lace up my shoes.
"
"our thanksgiving? a bummer because
mom and grampa were nailed by the fuzz.
then our toilet backed up
as we sat down to sup.
what a bad trip that holiday was!
"
"twenty-five, she can order a drink,
but her make-up she ought to rethink.
take her lipstick: it's pure
seventh grade, immature.
does a grown-up wear bubblegum pink?
"
"if you're acting in front of a screen
on which background, pre-shot, can be seen,
this is called back projection,
a film imperfection
(some say) for when budgets are lean.
"
"i don't want a cold coffin confinement,
so to april i give this assignment:
when you're sure that i'm snuffed,
behind glass show me stuffed.
i deserve nothing less than enshrinement.
"
"my great dane, i'm afraid, is a chewer,
so the shoes in my closet are fewer.
i bought slippers last may,
but i'm sorry to say
that today they are canine manure.
"
"when a dancer is labeled exotic,
i consider the term idiotic.
is she strange or bizarre?
did she come from afar?
no, but stripper does not sound erotic.
"
"if you sneeze in the crook of your arm,
not your hand, you are risking less harm
from the spread of disease.
it's a dracula sneeze,
a name with an odd sort of charm.
"
"""i love you!"" *buzz, click click click* ""?madly!""
""i can't hear you. you're breaking up badly!""
sad her cell phone's so cheap.
*(garble)* ""?married?"" *click, beep!*
would she spring for a new one now? gladly!
"
"margaret abbott, in paris, enrolled
in a tournament (golf) and, behold,
she took first! great, no doubt,
yet she never found out
what she'd won was olympian gold!
"
"""hal breaks up when he thinks of you sick.""
""oh, he does? that insensitive prick!""
""no, he breaks up and cries,
weeping, rubbing his eyes.
it's embarrassing. please get well quick.""
"
"lucky hank reunited with heather
because of a break in the weather.
though at first skies were fair,
twisters sucked up the pair
miles apart, and they landed together.
"
"dine and dash is a ""sport"" i abhor.
that's when jerks order entrees galore
till they've eaten their fill,
but when given the bill
they all make a mad break for the door.
"
"agent x read the message and swore:
""johnny backwards has struck us once more?
the most brilliant we've seen
of all spies! what's this mean?""
code this break can't you bet?dopes all you're.
"
"setting out to seduce the young belle,
he was clearly the agent from hell:
""you were found tending bar,
and i made you a star.
rest assured, i can break you as well.""
"
"michael's learning to cook. pots and pans
are his playthings. my grandson demands
that i break complex tasks
into parts. mikey asks,
""is step one always 'go wash my hands'?""
"
"with a patient whose psyche's been bruised
(he's ill mentally, not just confused),
if they want to relate
an emergency state
for this person, code x will be used.
"
"kiwi candy store owner pat gish
says, ""new zealand is famous for fish.
there's a chocolate type
that lives up to all hype.
it's as boneless and sweet as you'd wish!""
"
"your chocolate foot is more dominant.
of the two that you have, it's more prominent.
if your enemies knew,
they might shanghai your shoe,
left or right, and then slip a small bomb in it.
"
"an eccentric young woman, nicole,
has a lip-smacking death as her goal.
chocolate poisoning's what
she aspires to, but
she's no horse, dog, cat, parrot, or vole.
"
"chocolate-covered means just what you'd think
of a solid, and nothing you'd drink.
take these raisins. i've noted
although chocolate-coated,
they're almost a health food (wink, wink!).
"
"a soda jerk, ms dizzy lizzie,
was new and sent into a tizzy.
""chocolate phosphate? what's that?""
""it's a drink that's not flat:
chocolate syrup and water that's fizzy.""
"
"there's a ranger all covered in hair
oft referred to as ""smokey the bear,""
but the the that's between
bear and smokey's not seen
from good writers who know it's not there.
"
"what i said: ""you've a lovely complexion.""
what she heard: ""you will love my erection.""
what i said: ""you, i dig.""
what she heard: ""you're a pig.""
i was screwed by a bad phone connection.
"
"in a bar fight, this lowlife named greg
punched a nun and then fractured her leg.
with ""you needed that whipping,""
he left without tipping.
that bastard was one real bad egg!
"
"robert's crack was both mean and provoking.
dad was pissed, but i said, ""bob's just joking.""
that's my story; now you
must convince dad it's true.
back me up or i'll tell him you're smoking.
"
"i'm not vital, to this i am hip,
and your fame i will never outstrip.
as your back-up, it's clear
that it's you the fans cheer.
you are my gladys knight?i'm your pip.
"
"""if we're caught, we'll go down with a thud,
and our names will be dragged through the mud,""
said a thief to his friend.
""this will surely not end
with a fine. the d.a.'s after blood.""
"
"with her plane looking fresher and newer,
she calculated foes would come to her.
with her very next mission,
she achieved her ambition:
the bad guys had one aircraft fewer!
"
"the macphersons are hitting the skids.
there's so much that their budget forbids.
what with food, shelter, clothes,
and the rest, heaven knows
bills add up when you've got fifteen kids.
"
"i think breasts are attractive, somewhat,
though they don't drive me outta my nut.
i'm a big booty freak.
hon, let's stand cheek to cheek.
what i want to abut is a butt.
"
"on this website a newbie says, ""hi,
i would like to give limericks a try.""
we absorb him or her
(""soak them up,"" as it were),
till, with luck, they're old hands by and by.
"
"for five years we've discussed those damn birds,
all the racket they make and their turds.
maybe now we'll have peace.
i just shot thirty geese.
clearly actions speak louder than words.
"
"we were spies on a dangerous mission.
""i will act as your wife. one condition:""
she warned, sounding cranky,
""there'll be no hanky-panky.
get fresh and you'll just raise suspicion.""
"
"""in the case of the world v. o'connor,
i will act as attorney, your honor,
for myself."" the judge sighed
as he calmly replied,
""you're a moron and surely a goner.""
"
"my sweet wife is the neighborhood whore.
twenty clients will come through our door
every night for a screw.
now she's charging me too?
i can take just so much and no more!
"
"""broken windows in winter,""  swears wes,
""make me wish for a warmer address.
when it's twenty below
and those frigid winds blow,
it's as cold as a witch's caress.""
"
"due to smoking in bed, like a dummy,
i am minus one house. i feel crummy!
now with burns head to toe,
i'm bound up, so much so
that i look like some second-rate mummy.
"
"battle bravery?soldiers revere it.
war is hell, but the bold need not fear it.
even caught, skinned alive,
shot, or maimed, you'll survive
if the enemy can't break your spirit.
"
"our town's christmas display, a large spruce
and three reindeer, draws kudos profuse.
i'm in charge of the four,
but i like the tree more.
i deduce that the spruce won't break loose.
"
"dirty dan was a horse-thievin' man?
our young marshall, a length-of-rope fan.
all the town was abuzz
to go see it because
at the end of that rope dangled dan.
"
"in a nursery rhyme, some people use
giant footwear to live in. i muse:
if a burglar was caught,
would then charges be brought?
could you jail him for breaking in shoes?
"
"she will kiss, but she won't go the distance.
to break down  her misguided resistance,
lustful thoughts i'll convey,
whispered softly each day,
because nothing succeeds like persistence.
"
"my aunt julie was mocking me cruelly:
""there's no truck that is known as a dually!""
""since two sets of rear wheels
share one axle, one feels
that the word is legitimate, truly!""
"
"though the cops thought they had me, aha!
they could not break my alibi, ma.
""someone robbed the casino,""
they claimed, ""a latino.""
i swore, ""you're not looking for moi.""
"
"""can you break a large bill?"" ask two chicks
in a bar, but i'm onto their tricks.
they're attractive and flirty,
and their bill is a thirty,
so i give them two twelves and a six.
"
"you're aboard a large ship; things look dire:
it appears you're about to expire.
a code bravo's been called
on the pa installed
on all decks. seems the tub is on fire!
"
"at the start of the race, wide awake,
a young colt, made a rookie mistake.
he'd been favored that day,
but he ran the wrong way?
in more ways than just one a bad break.
"
"""our baby has suffered abduction!""
was our sadly mistaken deduction.
it turns out he was here
all the time. it's quite clear
that our vacuum has way too much suction.
"
"an ailurophile's fond of the touch
of tomcats and kittens and such:
their whiskers, their fur,
their comforting purr.
but ailurophobes? no, not so much.
"
"with the ""sack dress"" so deep in eclipse,
of the thousands we have, not one ships.
i've a plan: what we'll do
is to belt them anew.
one should see that a woman has hips.
"
"""there's a high horse-drawn carriage,"" says jake,
""with four wheels, that is known as a break.
if you see it spelled b-,""
he adds, ""r-a-k-e-,
that's permitted and not a mistake.""
"
"in the '60s, my clothes were all chippy
when i worked in a sawmill, a hippie...
alone and afraid.
what a screw-up i made
when i moved here to north mississippi!
"
"my ""to do"" list: 1) dinner by five.
2) get car for a very long drive,
pick up passenger. 3)
excoriate lee,
or, in other words, skin him alive.
"
"the photographer cropped out the bride
from the wedding book. no one denied
that fred jekyll, the groom,
a complete va-va-voom,
looked much better when minus ms. hyde.
"
"there were four of us backpacking when
sally fell down a sinkhole, and then
don and cynthia katz
were abducted by bats.
now i'm all by my lonesome again.
"
"carbolineum, sticky, black goo,
protects wood like a hot tar fondue.
if you got some, by chance,
on your sunday-best pants
as a kid, you could bid them adieu.
"
"there's a riot in progress?what fun!
or a full-scale disaster's begun.
a code rainbow is here.
why it's called that seems clear:
many colors all wrapped into one.
"
"""king zor has a heart made of stone,
getting rich on his ivory throne
from the laws he's decreed.
why should bastards succeed?""
""well, the devil looks after his own.""
"
"there's a sign at the end of my land
saying ""canines officially banned!""
to avoid being bitten,
i had the sign written
in dog so those mutts understand.
"
"says our neighborhood refugee, fred,
""if i hadn't escaped, i'd be dead.
sure, it's cramped where i live,
but my host i forgive.""
(he's encamped in a 3-by-5 shed.)
"
"my adele has a strong earthy smell
after rolling in mud for a spell.
other women prefer
fragrant scents, but not her.
hey, me neither?she's sexy as hell!
"
"osama bin laden in bed,
in his very last moments, had said,
""disadventure i fear.
what's that racket i hear?
i need this like a hole in the head!""
"
"my city abounds with loose women.
it's a town that not many feel prim in.
there are hundreds, they say,
who have sex every day
and who cast off their clothes to go swimmin'.
"
"it's a skill she exhibits with pride:
while she's sprinting, her make-up's applied.
gloss, mascara, and blush
are put on in a rush
over hurdles without breaking stride.
"
"i was breaking in matt, my replacement.
he knew well what that dank, confined space meant.
if his work's above par,
i explained, he'll rise far,
but for now he'll be stuck in the basement.
"
"""i must break grandma's will,"" harry said.
""i don't follow. your grandmother's dead,""
replied pete. ""no, her will.
i've inherited nil.
there's an ugly court battle ahead.""
"
"some say kids should be seen and not heard,
but for bad children, this is preferred:
thrash the brat and his pop
and his mom. do not stop
till all three are deceased and interred.
"
"""let's forgive and forget,"" pam is purring.
""he meant nothing to me,"" she's assuring.
yet it's locked in my head:
her and him in our bed,
and the pain is intense and enduring.
"
"the word earthshock is one you can use
to mean ""earthquake."" to me, this is news.
into scrabble? i'd say
it's a great word to play
when your rack is devoid of all q's.
"
"i will rack up the balls and you break,
and remember: ten bucks are at stake.
and please, if you're able,
keep the balls on the table,
and don't rip the felt, for god's sake!
"
"""our laws need the strictest enforcement!""
was my platform, a pitch that of course meant
i needed some cops
to proclaim i was tops.
(i got slaughtered without their endorsement.)
"
"i can leap a tall building, i've found,
with a good running start and one bound.
i'm not superman-fit.
no, that's true. i admit
that it's just in my mind i astound.
"
"big jake's nerves? clearly, nothing could jangle 'em.
to the death house, the guards went to wrangle him.
but a break in the juice
made the chair of no use,
so they brought in the warden to strangle him.
"
"i look forward to each break of day,
since i'm young and can do as i may.
thus, at each day's beginning,
i find myself grinning
at others' old age and decay.
"
"doctors, nurses, and interns agree
a code alpha will summon all three.
when it's heard on dry land,
they'll be pissed, understand?
it is only for use while at sea.
"
"""code atlas"" goes out to the masses
of hospital staff lads and lasses
to announce: ""please take care!
there's a patient somewhere
in this joint, and he's kicking our asses!""
"
"empty-bellied on thanksgiving day,
we feel faint, barely able to say:
""rush that turkey you're carving
'cause, dammit, we're starving!
say grace, then get out of the way!""
"
"""becky's bubble butt's firm and well rounded.
even butt connoisseurs are astounded.""
""then it's padded?"" ""not so!
she lets everyone know
all such rumors are wholly unfounded.""
"
"there's a video game some might scorn
known as bubble bath babes. it was born
after tetris. the two
are alike, but what's new:
when you win, you're rewarded with porn!
"
"""for this meeting, my god, that's the wrong suit!""
(she was wearing some kind of a thong suit.)
""be discreet,"" i then said.
she went naked instead.
controllability isn't her long suit.
"
"store front windows: i've made them my trade.
dressin' dummies is how i get paid.
one strange day, this here mannequin
said, ""hey!"" i went panickin',
an' a hole through the window i made.
"
"arachnophagous birds like to feast
upon spiders. a dozen, at least,
they'll consume at one time.
i've eight legs and now i'm
in the presence of one. call a priest!
"
"dan was crushed. from his body guts gushed.
to the hospital danny was rushed.
there he died. now i've heard
that he left not a word
in his will for yours truly. i'm crushed.
"
"the immaculate ladies of fordham
are accusing our chess club of whoredom.
i don't know why they do.
it's completely untrue.
we don't mind, though. it breaks up the boredom.
"
"as the pirates sailed up the euphrates,
yelled the captain, ""it's well in the eighties.
there be wimmin, a lot,
in these ports who be hot,
so?arrr!?break out the condoms, me maties!""
"
"for the carpenter/playwright, sad news:
his play has received bad reviews.
every scribe and his mama
is panning this drama:
a handyman's who's who of screws.
"
"""i agree,"" said the lad. ""you amuse me,
but i'm young, so they always refuse me.""
""in a borstal!"" screamed ned.
""oh! i thought you had said
i belonged on a bar stool. excuse me.""
"
"""you're too cheeky by far,"" i was told.
""you are really too forward, too bold.""
""i'm impertinent, true,
and quite insolent too?
all in all, quite a scourge to behold.""
"
"what one word follows circle, bum, get,
lie, lounge, sleep, bat, turn, putter (more yet),
come, fool, play, whirl, mess, stick,
hang, horse, clown, run, shop, kick,
waltz, and monkey? too easy? you bet!
"
"if you want to get someone's attention,
click a cricket. this little invention
sounds sharply: ""click-clack!""
causing friends to think back
in a way that improves comprehension.
"
"grandpa's life was then nearing its close.
what with tubes in his arms, mouth, and nose,
it was painful, no doubt:
with charades he'd act out,
""get your foot off my oxygen hose!""
"
"i link arms with my friends in the street,
forming chains with the people we meet.
thus connected, i'm viewed
as attractive?i'm nude!
i am neither discrete nor discreet.
"
"""mommy, bad doggie, buster. he chew it.
inna truck (garble, garble) go to it.
onna rug mother goose
gimmie crackers an' juice.""
(that's just crib talk. all two-year-olds do it.)
"
"when i'm speaking impromptu, it's tough
to remember the relevant stuff.
jotted crib notes i leave
on the end of my sleeve,
so i speak off the cuff, off my cuff.
"
"code black! stay alert, since we fear
that mass casualties soon will be here,
or a bomb threat's been made,
or some kid's been mislaid,
or the weather is turning severe.
"
"the pa announcement just said
that the hospital's under code red.
it is worded that way
to hold panic at bay.
it's no good yelling ""fire!!!"" instead.
"
"you've got corn in your gas tank? that's great,
but you still want it hot on your plate.
when agflation kicks in,
that's when problems begin
since the price of our food will inflate.
"
"fly on blue air (they're based in romania),
but not to tirana, albania.
they'll get you to nice;
thessalonika, greece;
barcelona; and, yes, transylvania!
"
"some called diamond jim brady bizarre
for his appetites?well above par.
he was rich, through and through,
a philanthropist, too,
and the first guy in town with a car.
"
"i am ever a gentleman, truly.
i'm not boorish, uncouth or unruly.
i would never say, ""honey,
hand over your money,""
or laugh at your problems unduly.
"
"""it's a victimless crime, prostitution,""
say some. others cry, ""prosecution
is needed to cope
with this scourge."" let's just hope
we alight on a happy solution.
"
"engaged in a causerie, matt
and melinda discussed this and that.
nothing deep or profound,
just who's sleeping around,
or why stripes make melinda look fat.
"
"things for dan are, no doubt, breaking well,
though he hasn't scrubbed up for a spell.
he's a hobo, and yet
he has just met yvette
who is rich, thinks he's great, and can't smell.
"
"her trust in her doc was unshakeable,
but to me it was quite unmistakable
this ob-gyn
was an imbecile when
he said, ""water, they tell me, is breakable!""
"
"an estimate's only a guess
of a figure you try to assess,
like past loves in my life.
i confessed to my wife,
""there were eighty or so, more or less.""
"
"""in eight years, how much time have you spent
on your website?"" i knew what she meant.
""i would estimate two
years of writing. it's true
though it's not made me rich, i'm content.""
"
"the producer could tell at a glance
that our annie did not have a chance.
""only sandy,"" he wrote,
when he left, in a note
purely choreographic, ""can dance.""
"
"every punch that he's landing is stinging!
'round his chest, tired arms i am flinging.
now the ref wants a break.
i let go. big mistake!
""?eight! ?nine! ?ten!"" how i wish i'd kept clinging.
"
"in our regiment, just a small fraction
are equipped well and ready for action.
these effectives all scoff,
""if they called the war off,
that would lead to our great satisfaction.""
"
"so small, they were bound to amuse,
europe's bubble cars offered great views
of the countryside, yet
they were not a safe bet.
hit a dog? that's a crash you would lose.
"
"workplace a is increasing pollution.
workplace b's dirty air contribution
is down. ""that's ok,""
declares factory a.
""we've no reason to face prosecution.""
"
"how i love baby's tears, bright and green!
(what the hell does this lunatic mean?
oh, the corsican curse
is the star of this verse,
the most beautiful nettle i've seen.)
"
"there are kangaroos here on the grounds
since we relish marsupial sounds.
are they fertile? good lord,
how their numbers have soared!
they're increasing by leaps and by bounds.
"
"the three stooges? my friends thought them great,
an opinion i'd often debate.
tell me, how did they ever
believe themselves clever?
i enjoyed them, but then i turned eight.
"
"say a patient's harassing the staff
and is far too annoying by half,
don't do anything rash
when you deal with this trash.
call code zebra and have the last laugh.
"
"molestation we cannot allow.
we must call on grown victims to vow
they will never assent
to a kindred event.
break the cycle of wrong-doing now!
"
"i've an eye for colleens, yes, it's true,
but my actions they oft misconstrue.
just today i pinched kay
since it's saint patrick's day.
i'm in green, but my eye's black and blue.
"
"my burglar alarm, i assume,
will cause any intruder his doom.
hypersensitive, yes:
it goes off, i confess,
when the sunlight breaks into the room.
"
"here's a droodle, part riddle/part doodle
(i collect them. i've got a caboodle!):
in a circle are spots
in a group, lots and lots.
one's apart, though. what gives? use your noodle!
"
"so this wizard goes, ""watch! a gazelle!""
and then *poof!* i'm transformed. what the hell?
""change me back, you big jerk!
i was heading for work.""
now he's pissed and he won't break the spell.
"
"about her, for ten years he'd not spoken,
till at last his long silence was broken.
although grief had defined him,
he put it behind him,
and a new life that day was awoken.
"
"bad habits are those you should break
for your own and your family's sake:
give up drugs, do not speed,
don't buy more than you need,
and stop putting hot fudge on your steak.
"
"the positions in football have names
that bring no sense of flair to the games.
the terms center and end
need revamping, my friend.
to correct this is one of my aims.
"
"tlas?do you use them a lot?
they are all that you speak, are they not?
lol, add,
pdq, isp?
it's acronymophilia you've got.
"
"with her udder-like chest, bovine sue
is so cowy you'd think she would moo.
plus she's rammy, i'd say,
in a head-butting way.
with that nose, she's anteatery, too.
"
"""don, wash up."" all that dust on his face meant
he'd been digging for coal in the basement.
so begrimed were his clothes
it was time, heaven knows,
i was due for a miner replacement.
"
"out of 26 letters, you see
they're undrinkable, mostly. agree?
you can't sip a or b
or the rest up through z.
no, the only exception is t.
"
"aaliyah was 12 when she'd sung
as a pro. she was clearly among
those who earned the name ""star.""
though they said she'd go far,
it was not meant to be. she died young.
"
"i had called up nanette with aplomb
with just one goal in mind: drop the bomb.
i broke faith with my date
at an hour quite late:
i would not be attending her prom.
"
"""fellow taxpayers, rise and rejoice!
i'm your candidate! i hear your voice!
i'll cut taxes, you'll see.
vote for me! vote for me!""
(this has zero effect on my choice.)
"
"most will start off on top with an ??e
and then maybe ?????????????????????a????w????b.
then comes ?????????????????????????o???????m???????x???????k
?????????????????????????????????????????????z???????p???????n???????y???????q???????j.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????it's an eye chart.
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????how well do you see?
"
"with a right to the jaw he'd been decked,
clearly not what he'd come to expect.
she declared, ""you're a heinie!
your manhood is tiny!""
(or words to that general effect).
"
"code brown is a term, i have read,
warning terrible weather's ahead,
or a gas line is hissing,
or a patient's gone missing
(or maybe just pooped in his bed).
"
"my grandfather slyly reminds me
that he hopes that the yankee team signs me.
and while cleveland's the worst,
i said yes to them first.
still? it's only my promise that binds me.
"
"when grizelda was slapped by a waiter,
her amazement could not have been greater.
then again, knowing her,
it was bound to occur,
with her arrogance, sooner or later.
"
"a young lasso, thrown out on the spot
from a bar, made his end loose a lot,
tied himself, then returned,
but was once again spurned:
""you again?"" ""no, sir. i'm a frayed knot.""
"
"if i'm asked to define cullibility,
i can do so with easy facility:
change the ""c"" to a ""g,""
and i'm sure you'll agree
i'm a genius! (?though lacking humility.)
"
"me an' deb both think backpacking's swell:
pack a lunch and go hike for a spell.
plus there's open-air vice
and that spares us the price
of a room at the local motel.
"
"five damn miles in the woods, we're all backpacking
and note that our backpacks all lack packing.
why my ill-tempered mood?
we discover: no food!
""ok, who was in charge of the snack packing?!""
"
"""ms. diane is renowned for prediction;
endowed fred is an expert in miction.
when famed meteorologist
weds meaty urologist?""
(that's a blurb from my book, which is chiction.)
"
"abiogenically, things can't give birth.
you need life to give birth on this earth.
could two cannonballs, say,
raise a family? no way!
(unless as a subject of mirth.)
"
"code yellow: some thug must be faced
(please proceed to the scene with all haste),
someone called to report
there's a bomb of some sort,
or a patient's been somehow misplaced.
"
"a bound inmate is bound to complain:
people don't like restraints, in the main.
yet, since this guy's a thug,
a snug straitjacket's hug
is what's needed. he's clearly insane.
"
"there's a project that's known as the bubble
giving corporate ad men some trouble.
advertisements are hit
with graffiti and wit,
causing upkeep expenses to double.
"
"within bounds of his manor, dan's seizin'
folks hats. ""it is hat-snatching season!""
when he purloined the gear
of a cop, it was clear
he was outside the bounds of good reason.
"
"'cause my two younger friends can't agree,
i will break up the candy in three.
now, the first half is matt's,
then the bigger half's pat's,
and the last biggest half is for me.
"
"our readership breaks down like this:
a full third think our limericks are piss,
but another third think
only some of them stink,
while the rest feel the best are by chris.
"
"after william mckinley was slain,
leon czolgosz was heard to complain,
""what is making me sad:
i could not see my dad.""
he was fried then, though clearly insane.
"
"the party, at best, was half-hearted,
so this friendly advice i imparted:
""why is nobody drinking?
what the hell are you thinking?
let's break out the booze and get started!""
"
"when last seen, our son danny, aged ten,
was accepting a ride from two men.
we've just heard he's been found:
he's alive, safe and sound!
we're now able to breathe once again.
"
"a code kinder's the same as code blue.
grab the crash cart?you know what to do!
what is different is where
someone's needing our care:
pediatrics. let's pray he pulls through.
"
"if i only spoke rodent, ""hey, dormouse!""
i'd shout, ""let me tell you the score, mouse.
you're a fraud! it's been claimed
from dormir you were named.
an improved sobriquet would be snoremouse.""
"
"i read this in great-grandmother's journal:
""me and sam face a tangle infernal.
though i'm his and he's mine,
for yvette we both pine.
it's that triangle labeled eternal.""
"
"in one of our bloodiest crimes,
sue sangr?a stabbed anthony grimes
with a quarter-inch pin,
barely breaking the skin,
though she did so some 95 times!
"
"an erodent i'm using works fine
at reducing this callous of mine.
i can smile at its name
since this medicine came
from some rat i linked up with online.
"
"baby formula?  give this a try:
1 + 1 (first a gal, then a guy)
then add negative c
(c for condom), no p
(zero pill) = baby.
"
"the term breaking a horse, i have found,
means to ride while the horse whirls around.
the first one i broke
(a disaster?no joke!)
fell to twenty-eight parts on the ground.
"
"my break was too vicious, i fear.
though five balls are in pockets, it's clear
that i've driven two more
from the felt to the floor,
and a third's in a pitcher of beer.
"
"when the ball took a bound to my right,
it bounced off of my glove and took flight
into deep center field.
three more runs we would yield.
the fans jeered at the replay all night.
"
"if the space race you want to embrace,
start out small with the ace baby ace.
it's a plane from a kit,
wholly safe, they submit.
(bring a parachute, though, just in case.)
"
"my new bride has this concept of sin:
sex and satan are closely akin.
""it's our honeymoon. you're
my true love,"" i implore.
""i will break down this door. let me in!""
"
"though the sulfur it belches may stink so,
it's the name that makes newsreaders sink so.
sixteen letters! that group
looks like alphabet soup.
and three j's in one word? i don't think so!
"
"i exploded a bombshell today:
i revealed to my mother i'm gay.
she exploded one back:
""son, i've got to go pack.
i'm a rookie tight end for green bay.""
"
"it was ""ask the nuns anything day.""
""sister anne, in the past, if i may,
did you ever get down
with a rodeo clown?""
(father robert then led me away.)
"
"i abominate peppers and peas,
and do not serve me broccoli, please.
i hate kale and all greens,
spinach, okra, green beans,
and all veggies as healthy as these.
"
"there's a point at which everyone learns
that all life is a series of turns.
first we're young. time moves fast.
then we're old, till at last
we abandon all earthy concerns.
"
"a code pink means a tot can't be found,
or a patient's three feet off the ground,
pediatrics needs help,
or a woman may yelp:
""baby's coming!!"" (no doctor's around.)
"
"by bad language, just what do we mean?
how can words be called ""dirty"" or ""clean""?
many puritans preach
we should never use speech
that is vulgar, profane, or obscene.
"
"to protest higher tolls, i've a sly way
that beats angry emails since my way
backs up traffic for miles,
as it generates smiles:
i recline fully nude by the highway.
"
"""i'm a vampire priestess,"" claims lori.
""my lifestyle's romantic and gory.
you are welcome to check:
puncture wounds on my neck
and anemia back up my story.""
"
"my emperorship's gone, i'm afraid.
due to crucial misjudgments i've made,
i've been seen in the nude.
(damn those tailors?i'm screwed!
i should never have led that parade!)
"
"szechuan chicken's a hit in beijing.
escargot gives a frenchman his zing.
they're too fancy, i say.
in the u. s. of a.
earthy meat and potatoes are king.
"
"my father's an oddball magician
and a man with a predisposition
for defying old habits:
he pulls hats out of rabbits
in order to break with tradition.
"
"listen, slumlord! i just have to say
that the heat is not working ok.
the water pipe's rusted,
and the toilet is busted.
please address these three problems today.
"
"a dummy's as mum as can be,
keeping mute to the highest degree.
but beware: the word dumb
is offensive to some.
neither term is exactly p.c.
"
"""my cause is my wife,"" declares eddie.
""as her aide i will always be ready.
any month, day or night,
anywhere, wrong or right?
my spousal espousal is steady.""
"
"my wife is exclusively mine,
and that ring on her hand is a sign
that we've wed, and so now
things are different, and how!
no more begging or standing in line.
"
"i'm sorry, this doesn't make sense.
though your talent, i'm sure, is immense,
fifty bucks for a kiss?!
yes, you're beautiful, miss,
but i just can't afford the expense.
"
"eve's been everywhere: finland, japan,
argentina, australia, iran,
china, greece, the u.k.,
spain, the u. s. of a.,
cuba, turkey, peru, and sudan.
"
"only every so often, i fear,
i will visit my grandmother dear.
every day? oh, hell no.
to gram's home i will go
maybe two or three times in a year.
"
"on a farm, if you'd like to convey
the concept of chaos one day,
simply startle some chickens.
they run like the dickens
and scatter off every which way.
"
"my birthday comes once every year.
that's one birthday per year. is that clear?
i would have two or three
every year, but you see
it is premature aging i fear.
"
"every person with whom i must work
is, beyond any question, a jerk.
no exceptions! not bill,
not loretta, not phil,
not rudolfo, not edna, not kirk!
"
"chuck's in charge of external affairs:
foreign policy tears he repairs.
there is drought in alaska?
a bomb in nebraska?
""that's not my department. who cares!""
"
"""there are fashions i feel are infernal
when in uniform,"" spouted the colonel.
""dangle earings must go,
and then corking? hell no,
in the ear part that's labeled external.""
"
"""he'd be great to take fishing... as bait!""
i had said of this person i hate.
now he runs for vp,
there's an excerpt i see
in his ads: ""strolin says: 'he'd be great...!'""
"
"as every good mom understands,
proper feeding of babies demands
that you break bulky food
into bits for your brood,
or have blue, choking kids on your hands.
"
"i like banbury tarts very much,
lemon flavored and hot to the touch.
it's a pastry divine
that i'd never decline,
filled with raisins and currants and such.
"
"a code green can make staff go berserk,
since it stands for some force-wielding jerk
(maybe armed?we don't know),
or a fire drill, though
when it's safe, it's ""all clear?back to work.""
"
"cyclometry majors, take heart!
some call studying circles an art.
with diploma in hand,
you'll be much in demand.
they need baggers at bob's liquor mart.
"
"there's a flaw i've just now put my paw on:
inside straights i seem always to draw on.
i'm a mutt who loves cats.
friends say, ""leave them!"" and that's
a real bone of contention to gnaw on.
"
"while i swear i've had only one drink,
that moth's markings look eye-like, i think.
with an ""eye"" on each wing,
it's a fierce-looking thing.
...is it me, or did one of them wink?
"
"his work has, at last, come of age
and is finally fit for the stage.
every drama is sweet,
thoughtful, deep, and upbeat.
too bad horror is now all the rage.
"
"all the batters were pitching a fit,
as the break of his curve wouldn't quit!
they were swerving all night ?
up or down, left or right ?
thanks to liberal doses of spit.
"
"our eventual ending is clear:
we'll grow angrier year after year,
and then finally divorce
as a matter of course
when our hatred grows far too sincere.
"
"bill's your tenant, a loud, drunken lout
who keeps tiger traps lying about.
he's a menace, you say?
let the courts have their way.
go evict him?just throw the bum out!
"
"won't you please make a healthy donation
to your town's cgf delegation?
there are kids in great need?
it's for them that we plead:
help the children's glaucoma foundation!
"
"""we need childproofing all through the house,""
said my two-year-old's mother, my spouse.
""what's the use?"" i beseech.
""if the kid drinks some bleach,
we can just make another,"" i grouse.
"
"dom, the mafia don, i offended
when his daughter's big day i attended.
""which one is the groom?""
bada-bing!  bada-boom!
my funeral, they tell me, was splendid.
"
"mom would preach, long before i had had women,
""stay away from those scantily clad women!""
now i'm grown and love those
who wear minimal clothes,
since they're not necessarily bad women.
"
"i just knew that my plan couldn't fail:
i'd go out with the two o'clock mail.
first i sealed myself shut,
then with stamps on my butt,
i disguisedly broke out of jail.
"
"the beau of a homeless old hag
on his toe wore a tiny white tag.
her appearance now graver,
the morgue workers gave her
his effects in a brown paper bag.
"
"crude oil prices continue to climb,
and our cost at the pump is a crime.
my simple advice is:
take note that the price is
edging upwards a bit all the time.
"
"my hammer's electric. it's got
many features plain hammers have not:
there's a plug, for a start,
and a threat to my heart
should it drop in a watery spot.
"
"a contrivance or gadget, i learn,
may be known by this label: concern.
(here's my firm guarantee:
come write limericks with me
and a fine education you'll earn.)
"
"it was ""sex with some other guy's wife night""
at the bar. (i ain't livin' my life right.)
mrs. smith, on my arm,
has adulterous charm,
but she's not of much use in a knife fight.
"
"when a hospital calls a code gray,
there's a thug (but no guns on display),
a guerrilla alert
(someone's gonna get hurt),
or the air is real cruddy today.
"
"when a patient or family goes nuts,
code secure calls the guys who've got guts.
if you're violent, folks,
swift response this provokes.
watch security come kick your butts.
"
"a code white: patients coming like mad,
close the curtains?the weather's real bad,
a bellicose lout,
the lights have gone out,
or some crunch pediatrics has had.
"
"my first cousin is sexy, it's true.
i'm in luck since my sisters are too.
in our clan, it's no sin
to be wed kin to kin.
we're endogamous. ...what's it to you?
"
"he had struggled for years to accuse
our prez of a far-reaching ruse,
but the end of his work
was folks thought him a jerk.
now he gives us his views on fox news.
"
"he's a boomerang?quit us last year
to go work somewhere else. now he's here
once again. he's been fired?
he'll soon be rehired.
the skills he possesses are dear.
"
"name a word that can follow religious
and sexual, both then prodigious.
though it's surely no crime
feeling both at one time,
such a feat would be truly prestigious.
"
"a show horse named mister fitzgibbon
for the judges had started ad libbin'.
he had cantered a lot,
but then changed to a trot,
and that break cost his rider a ribbon.
"
"my baby-like grandfather fred
has a specialized crib for his bed.
when he's hungry, he's hyper.
he poops in a diaper.
he hasn't a tooth in his head.
"
"""i've got bad news to break to you, lou.
your wife tina's been cheating on you.
she's screwed me, tom, and glen?""
interrupting just then
were bob, chuck, mike, and larry: ""us, too!""
"
"gaining weight is a task i do well.
it's a pastime at which i excel.
for this trait, i've gained fame.
you want proof of my claim?
check my t-shirts: xxxxl.
"
"ballerinas will go all the way.
it's the classical music, some say.
greta calls, ""come and get me!""
i know that she'll let me.
that gal puts the let in ballet.
"
"they would beat him and keep him awake
for a week. his whole body would ache,
but the names in his head
stayed right there. now he's dead.
to the end, this brave man did not break.
"
"my very best friend, named jerome,
bought a three-bedroom flat in some loam.
he's an earthworm who showed
a fine sampler he sewed
for his living room: ""home, earthy home.""
"
"as a thief who steals all sorts of crops,
at avoiding detection i'm tops.
at least that's what i'd say
till my luck changed today.
man, this cornfield is crawling with cops.
"
"daisy broke randy's heart when he found
that the bitch had been sleeping around.
he wept tears of disgust
and of pain, saying just,
""it is time you went back to the pound.""
"
"all internal reports at ink inc.
say the firm is robust, in the pink.
is this true? i'm not clear,
since there's one thing i fear:
all external reports say we stink.
"
"using methods completely my own,
from a rock, i've conclusively shown
i can draw a slight flow
of the red stuff?type o!
so you can extract blood from a stone.
"
"exsanguination laid benjamin low
at the hands of a merciless foe.
he was found, papers note,
with a badly slashed throat,
lying prone in a pool of type o.
"
"""ok, everyone hidden? lights out.
...here he comes..."" ""happy birthday!!"" we shout.
later, doctors decreed
we'd surprised him indeed:
""it was heart failure, sadly, no doubt.""
"
"pam's exquisite technique on the flute
means those errors she makes are minute.
nearly flawless, she'll play
every day after day
perfect toot after toot after toot.
"
"earn my spurs? i should say that i did!
i'm now admin vp for madrid.
i am sharp and alert,
plus i'm clearly not hurt
by the fact i'm the ceo's kid.
"
"in my savings account i have got
twenty million and change. (that's a lot!)
two per cent is the rate
that it's earning. (not great.)
some investment?i haven't made squat!
"
"""filled with custard, my doughnut,"" said cher,
""is a tasty delight."" ""au contraire,""
replied sonny. ""you're wrong.
looking endwise it's long.
what you've got is a chocolate eclair.""
"
"times are tough. the economy's slow.
we must downsize some folks, doncha know.
but with brightsizing, we
shoot ourselves in the knee,
with the smartest employees let go.
"
"damp a campfire. cut off its air.
pour on sand so no oxygen's there.
only you can prevent
flames engulfing your tent.
(in my spare time, i'm smokey the bear.)
"
"when you break step, you're marching ""at ease""
at whatever step pattern you please.
if you want, you can amble
at a leisurely ramble,
or walk on your damn hands and knees.
"
"a divorce is a break from one's spouse,
like with tom who's a two-timing louse.
in the property split,
jill did nicely, to wit:
all the cash, both the cars, and the house.
"
"i went sailing with christopher cross.
he declared, ""on this ship i'm the boss!
i'm commander supreme!""
to be bruce is his dream,
or as famed as diana (ms ross).
"
"when the star snapped his leg, he was done;
now my theatre career has begun.
as his stand-in, sincerely
i'm saddened, but clearly
it's a break in more ways than just one.
"
"""i will leave you, loretta,"" i lied
to my rich and voluptuous bride.
empty threats never work.
we both know i'm a jerk
who could not leave her side if i tried.
"
"if a glass is half empty, some say
that it's really half full. in this way
there's a positive glow
that they're hoping to show,
a bright outlook they'd like to convey.
"
"for a farmer, this joke wins first prize:
he'll go up to some gal and advise,
""in the fields, do not squat,
because, like it or not,
don't you know them potatoes got eyes?""
"
"is it odd to say ""sue caught my eye?""
no, here eye means ""attention"" is why.
if that saying were real,
though, and sue had appeal,
she'd have eyeballs in ample supply.
"
"she was eyeing me there. i was hopin'
she might be a gal i could rope in.
with that look, could it be
she was yearning for me?
no such luck. my damn zipper was open.
"
"you want cookout advice? i'll be brief:
use a choice center cut. my belief
is a good eye of round
is the best that i've found.
this is why i'm commander-in-beef.
"
"in a cyclone, the eye is the center.
it's a place that you don't want to enter.
though it's calm there, it's true,
that's a move you will rue.
if you live, you will be a repenter.
"
"""am i good at my craft? i'd say very!
with my eyes closed,"" bragged head baker barry,
i could bake you a cake
that would make your mouth ache,
although driving to work might be hairy.""
"
"to marianne faithful, he wrote
a hollies pop ditty of note.
back then graham was shy,
a reserved sort of guy,
which is why ""carrie anne"" got his vote.
"
"we of bob's immortality tried
to convince folks the bible had lied:
""holy words? not so clever!
join us?live forever!""
we broke up when the first of us died.
"
"i'm expunging this line so you'll see
what this editing term means to me.
in this way, i'm assured
the line's meaning is blurred
to a greater or lesser degree.
"
"a caterer/stripper named suzie
served pot roast while in a jacuzzi.

[i'm expunging line 3,
a damn shame, since this story's a doozie.]
"
"with an exit poll, people will wonder
what candidate's spell you are under.
if you tell them, they may
say you voted ok
or accuse you of making a blunder.
"
"here's a bubblegram. what do you see?
yep, that's me and my wife in 3-d.
done with lasers and heat,
they're exceedingly neat,
though expensive; high tech isn't free.
"
"my big sister's (they say) a good-looker,
but the cops told my folks, ""she's a hooker.""
""ma, i like being bad.""
boy, was mom ever mad:
""take my ex-daughter downtown and book her!""
"
"""modern art, though my eye is untrained,
is a huge waste of paint,"" gramps complained.
""i would humbly suggest
norman rockwell was best.
give me art that need not be explained!""
"
"the part of a needle i try
to put thread through is known as the eye.
when my vision was newer,
my trials were fewer,
a fact that i cannot deny.
"
"with my interest, to start, microscopic,
you boast of your work philanthropic.
though you're saintly, it's true,
let's discuss something new,
since you've clearly exhausted this topic.
"
"we've exhausted our farmland, i fear,
planting radishes year after year.
if we tried other crops,
maybe barley and hops,
it's my guess we could brew better beer.
"
"at a boxing event held last night,
bob exhausted his foe. what a sight:
all worn out, drenched with sweat,
but that's just what you get
with a 50-round heavyweight fight.
"
"his effective performance as nero
saved the play. he was everyone's hero.
on a one-to-ten scale,
he's a twelve and can't fail.
it's too bad the director's a zero.
"
"mr. wells, i'm an eloi. my hunch
is you didn't like eloi a bunch.
you created us weak,
simple-minded, and meek
so that morlocks could have us for lunch.
"
"apprehensiveness: scourge of the shy,
when you're timid but do not know why.
you think others are stronger?
you couldn't be wronger!
there's no sign ""just the bold need apply.""
"
"these commiserable lines, in my view,
are a pitiable effort, it's true.
still, there's hope for this verse.
if some forty are worse,
it might just make its way to round 2.
"
"ma'am, your son is no artist. objectively,
i must say his work stinks since, effectively,
what your four-year-old's drawn
is a bambi-like fawn,
but it's all numbered dots linked connectively.
"
"i said, ""dan's coming out."" i was hopin'
to express not that daniel was gropin'
for the right way to say
to his friends that he's gay.
no, i meant that his zipper was open.
"
"from rick's tone, i could tell what his rant meant.
he had not understood what my aunt meant.
she had wanted him chained
on their date. he abstained:
""no, enchainment won't lead to enchantment!""
"
"geraldine is a good baby mother.
she takes care of john-paul and his brother.
not my girlfriend or wife,
she just gave my kids life
'fore i dumped her to live with another.
"
"anadiplosis is this:
this style that's not easy to miss.
miss, it's a pity,
a pity you're pretty,
pretty soon i shall ask for a kiss.
"
"i accredit the stellar success
bess enjoyed to her late husband les.
he had pushed her, indeed,
every day to succeed.
clearly bess without les is a mess.
"
"i was spied with my lover at noon,
so expect i'll be called very soon.
the call will be from
either meg (my wife's chum),
or some horrible blackmailing goon.
"
"half the numbers you see on big ben
(meaning 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10),
are all even, by god.
no, not 7. that's odd.
understand? no? then read this again.
"
"at the altar, alone, in disgrace,
i was jilted, but now have a case
i can't lose. every dime
i will take from you; i'm
gonna break you and laugh in your face.
"
"with great lust i conversed with marie,
though that term is as old as can be
for the sex act. i say
it's still useful today,
since it fits: she's a hundred and three.
"
"that harry was something to see.
once when chained to a sycamore tree,
locked in cuffs, tried and true,
and a straitjacket, too,
in three minutes, houdini broke free.
"
"when my windshield was broken, those turds
down at allstate imparted these words:
""sir, you're covered for fire
and weather that's dire
and collision and theft, but not birds.""
"
"my gal's gone and i'm sad. though bone dry,
i may say that i'm damp and here's why:
this word i've selected
equates to ""dejected,""
a meaning that's long passed us by.
"
"though for lola my passion is burning,
my advances she's constantly spurning.
her husband's six-three
and suspicious of me,
so these factors are damping my yearning.
"
"""what does din-din mean?"" queries young bert.
he's precocious, a clever young squirt.
""that means 'dinner'."" (he laughs.)
""but that's just the first halfs.
would a 'ner-ner' include the dessert?""
"
"i'm aware ecophobia's odd.
""you're uncomfortable home?"" here, i nod.
""folks wherever i roam
say, 'there's no place like home,'
and i always reply, 'yes, thank god!'""
"
"mike and ike, conjoined twins, side by side
joined the navy and served there with pride,
taking orders with ease.
""swab the decks, if you please,""
said the captain. ""aye aye!"" they replied.
"
"jake, a teenager, wants it made clear
he possesses an exquisite ear.
he expects perfect pitch
will bring fame, make him rich
in the course of six months or a year.
"
"paul, impaled on a white picket fence,
gave a cry that just didn't make sense:
""oy, what exquisite pain!""
has poor paul gone insane?
no, that term means the pain is intense.
"
"""you must bring her around. she's exquisite!""
""do you mean we must come for a visit?
or perhaps she's, instead,
now unconscious, near dead?
those three words can mean both, so which is it?""
"
"a diner known simply as todd's
serves lasagna that's beaten the odds:
at just six bucks a visit,
the meal is exquisite?
a dish, truly, fit for the gods!
"
"there's a sapphire broach, quite exquisite,
in a hollowed-out book, but whose is it?
how it came to our house
i must ask of my spouse
on our very next conjugal visit.
"
"cough and wheeze, at a hundred to one,
is a racehorse unwilling to run.
the same odds for last inning
means their chances of winning
are even, i'd say (almost none).
"
"the word break can equate to ""exceed""
if you're dealing with matters of speed.
doing 85 when
you're supposed to do 10
means you've broken the limit, indeed!
"
"it's an exquisite brooch, all agree,
where its delicate beauty is key.
someone asks, though, ""but is it
pronounced as 'exquisite'?""
your choice?makes no difference to me.
"
"there's a hooker i met in quebec
who had foolishly taken my check.
when it bounced, she said, ""hey!
you treat ladies this way?
if i catch you, i'll break your damn neck!""
"
"i extracted a promise from faye,
after begging for months, that some day
we would marry. at first,
her response was the worst:
""in your dreams! you're a loser! no way!""
"
"he is known as ""the drunk of duluth,
d.d.s."" when extracting a tooth,
he says, ""novocaine? no,
before pulling, let's go
with a mixture of gin and vermouth.""
"
"when they named him ""sure thing to succeed,""
he esteemed it an honor, indeed.
up on stage, after dinner,
they'd called him a winner,
and, bursting with pride, he had peed.
"
"extreme sports aren't for me, i confess.
give me fun where the death rates are less.
some embrace bunjee jumping
to get their hearts pumping,
but me? i'll take checkers or chess.
"
"a buttercup squash seems, to some,
to resemble the shape of a drum.
so why give it that name?
is confusion our aim?
the term buttercup squash is just dumb.
"
"from the blood fiends i must break away
and live life on my own, come what may.
although gangs come and go,
they're so vicious i know
they'll all live on death row one fine day.
"
"john's new bride's the best lover he's had,
but, as well, certifiably mad.
i have heard him bemoan,
""my predicament's known
as accepting the good with the bad.""
"
"it's a small wooden footstool, you say?
i had not heard this word used that way.
""put your feet on the cricket,""
i'm sorry, sounds thick. it
would prompt: ""is the insect ok?""
"
"his receptionist said, loud and clear:
""there's a corpse in your office, i fear.""
the boss answered his aide:
""come now, why be afraid
of a corporate sales engineer?""
"
"""cyclone fencing? that's money well spent!""
but i'd misunderstood what he meant.
it's the same as, i think,
any fence of chain link.
it is not an olympic event.
"
"to regard with respect, or to prize;
to look up to with favoring eyes;
to consider supreme;
in one word: to esteem.
and its opposite term? to despise.
"
"an omission in text that you make
can be shown as three dots or a ""break.""
for example, i write:
""it was love . . .""
and that break shows what's gone's no mistake.
"
"""the boats danced on the lake,"" said some clown.
""did they waltz?"" i replied with a frown.
so this guy raised his hand:
""no, you misunderstand.
i just mean that they bobbed up and down.""
"
"i will execute terms of the will
and the dead person's wishes fulfill.
family members will holler?
they won't get a dollar,
but, ""to chuckles, my dog, fifty mil.""
"
"to execute deeds, you just sign;
write your name on the ol' dotted line.
we have done so today,
so i'm happy to say
fifty acres, once yours, now are mine.
"
"when i execute stunts on trapeze,
all the crowd becomes weak at the knees.
certain death is a threat
since there isn't a net,
which is why i collect hefty fees.
"
"in the case of missouri v. murray,
the judge had enjoined us, the jury,
to deliberate well,
but from what i could tell,
the defendant had nary a worry.
"
"our bodies pressed close as we danced
made me muse: ""is her figure enhanced?""
such a marvelous pair!
were they real? i don't care!
i was spellbound, bewitched, and entranced.
"
"evil omens say trouble's ahead.
let me tell you the story of ted.
once a mirror he broke
and he thought it a joke.
two months later we heard he was wed.
"
"the mayor excitedly spoke:
""we've been swindled by martians?we're broke!
plus it's now raining knives!
we must run for our lives!""
it was just at that point that i woke.
"
"a boy's fingertip, slammed in a door,
formed a blister he couldn't ignore
since with blood it was filled.
when it broke, the blood spilled
and the boy took delight in the gore.
"
"when i say that the stereo broke,
what i mean is it went up in smoke.
it was shaky, unstable,
and made a poor table
for supporting my burgers and coke.
"
"a plate broke and so richard proposes
to replace it, but grandma discloses
the source of that plate:
a gift to great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-great-
great-great-great-great-great-grandpa from moses.
"
"jean-pierre made cassandra complete
so they wed in a sweet french retreat.
but j.p. was a guy
with a wandering eye,
and this flaw broke their union tout de suite.
"
"from my building (it's twelve stories tall),
i had jumped?i was ending it all.
though this may sound contrived,
i'm alive! i survived
when the awning out front broke my fall.
"
"local 12 was on strike for more pay.
we had pickets and signs on display.
but the boss broke the strike
since (he knows what we like)
casual friday is now ""naked day.""
"
"i am sorry to have to report
they returned me. again i face court.
while it's true i broke jail
sticking stamps on my tail,
the damn postage was twenty cents short.
"
"i was racing (it helps me relax)
in my spyder. what power it packs!
hit an albatross?pow!
broke my windshield and now,
what's ironic? the spider web cracks.
"
"once i broke a small branch from a tree
which then screamed and threw apples at me.
i suspect that the cause
was the wizard of oz
i'd just watched while imbibing chablis.
"
"on our first day of work at the shack,
""there are cannibals here!"" murmured jack.
though i laughed at his hunch,
when we broke up for lunch
only nine of ten writers came back.
"
"my grandson inquires of me:
""what's a baby toe? what can that be?""
""it's that piggy,"" i say,
""who went home, all the way
going, 'wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee!'""
"
"said an atheist, ""christmas? don't fear it.
enter into the holiday spirit.
be like me: join the crowd
singing carols out loud.
should you notice a creche, don't bronx cheer it.""
"
"""though it's stamps you collect, i'm confused
since the ones that you seek all are used.""
""no, i buy ctos:
nothing new, only those
that from actual work were excused.""
"
"we had jumped in the swamp with a whoop,
but then jake swam away from the group.
he was ""processed"" that day,
rearranged, sad to say.
the end product was crocodile poop.
"
"you're my grooviest outtasight friend.
all the hippest of terms you transcend.
you are boss, with it, rad.
you're so good that you're bad.
you're too much! you're so cool! you're the end!
"
"it was bound in french leather, this book,
so i thought that i'd take me a look.
though the outside looked great,
all the rest? second rate!
seven pages was all that it took.
"
"with each house on my block a cape cod,
my new gothic revival looked odd.
i broke ranks with their style,
raising everyone's bile:
""we will burn down this eyesore, by god!""
"
"when his chevy broke down, bill, my banker,
was upbeat and observed without rancor:
""it's unfixable, yes,
but i've options, i'd guess.
add a chain and i've got a fine anchor!""
"
"seven losses per week is the way
grandpa's scratch-offs will run. still, he'll play.
i don't know how he copes
since it's clear that his hopes
will break down a bit more every day.
"
"there's a barricade! what should we do?
can't go over or under or through.
circle 'round? yes, we might,
to the left or the right,
then begin going forward anew.
"
"farmer brown fed his pigs at first sun:
""piggy piggies! come join in the f?""
all at once he broke off
because there in the trough,
playing hide and go seek, was his son.
"
"harold broke into dancing one day
in an odd, unintentional way
when his wife found a tu-tu
(his lover's), his cue to
explain, ""i like dancing ballet.""
"
"when the drought broke, we danced in the rain,
so i hesitate now to complain,
but this 20-day storm
is so far from the norm,
we now pray the floods cease, but in vain.
"
"this morning our stock prices broke
when our company chairman misspoke.
he'd intended to say:
""i drank soda all day.""
what he said: ""i'm addicted to coke.""
"
"when she murmured, ""of all the young bucks,
you're the handsomest, clem,"" i said, ""shucks.""
but just then my voice broke,
and she laughed. it's no joke!
ain't no doubt of it: puberty sucks.
"
"when the curve broke away from the batter,
he thought to himself, ""what's the matter?
am i slipping at all?
is there spit on the ball?
i'd be willing to bet it's the latter.""
"
"the quarterback broke to his right
then his left. although try as he might
to avoid getting bagged,
though he zigged and he zagged,
it was sack number ten on the night.
"
"lindsay lohan seduced me last may,
but the story just broke late today.
paparazzi all stood
at my door: ""was she good?""
""i was better,"" was all i could say.
"
"i'd been beaten. my mouth had been taped.
it was clear i was gonna be raped.
i grabbed hold of his coat,
kneed his balls to his throat,
and then broke from his grip and escaped.
"
"""lord, we're here to join sandra and ben,
so we don't need it raining. amen.""
seems that god heard the prayer
and then blessed the affair.
the clouds broke and the sun shone again.
"
"help his brother drain gas? tim abstains,
since it's clear ted's deficient in brains.
he'll exhaust all the gas
from the tank then, alas,
strike a match to see how much remains.
"
"club whoopee is great for romancing,
accompanied nightly by dancing.
with their jazz band so hot
(they play django a lot),
all your prospects, it's clear, you're enhancing.
"
"expatiation's a speech where one finds
that the speaker rears back and unwinds
and exhibits for hours
oratorical powers
till he bores folks clean out of their minds.
"
"by evenfall, night's on its way,
and light dims upon all you survey.
it's a time lovers meet
on a dimly lit street
where young kids get run down as they play.
"
"both the boxers appearing tonight
have a tendency, sadly, to bite.
both will head butt a man
and will kick when they can,
so it looks like a good, even fight.
"
"my dear wife will be spending the night
with some guy. it was lust at first sight.
she points out i've had flings
with a few sweet young things.
even so, it just doesn't seem right.
"
"we abandoned aunt cassie  last year
(she was ailing and money was dear)
to an old person's storage
facility. porridge
she's eating thrice daily, i fear.
"
"""darlin', i,"" declared todd, brash and bold,
""broke my neck just to get you enrolled.
i paid bribes. i pulled strings.
had i not done these things,
you'd be back in third grade, truth be told.""
"
"at the door, by my wife i'm accosted:
""the fridge is completely defrosted,
i've scrubbed floors on my knees
and done laundry, so please,
there'll be no sex tonight. i'm exhausted!""
"
"these everyday loafers of mine
are the kind i don't bother to shine.
they're for trips to the store
and for walks on the shore.
though not fancy, i like 'em just fine.
"
"your letter arrived apropos
(at an opportune time, doncha know).
you advised me i'm rich
the same day as that bitch
of a wife threw my ass in the snow.
"
"unemployed and depressed, that's my wife.
a new job, though, could lessen her strife.
""be a dog walker, kate.
walking dogs would be great!
it'll give you a new leash on life.""
"
"chrometophobia's strange, all agree.
if you have it, i'll help you for free.
i'll relieve you right here
of that stuff that you fear:
simply give all your money to me.
"
"""a blessed event?  how exquisite!?""
both families are gushing, but is it?
the true blessing came late
(sorry, mom; kids can wait)
when my once-a-month friend came to visit.
"
"her boss leered! she knew just what that glance meant.
he had noticed her recent enhancement.
with her b-cups now d's,
he's deciding now she's
a fine worker deserving advancement.
"
"a lottery win... could i pick it?
i would tell my employer to stick it.
with a life of pure ease,
i would do as i please.
(i suppose i should go buy a ticket.)
"
"i've been standing all day in the heat
guarding aircraft on solid concrete.
when my shift is all through
i know just what i'll do:
get some sack time to ease my poor feet.
"
"diane was a meteorologist
while fred was a meaty urologist.
now you'd like to know weather
these lives flowed together;
urine luck!  i'm their current psychologist.
"
"there's a break in line 5 of this verse,
a short tale of a murderous nurse.
i had come to her ward
for some warts i'd ignored,
but went home the next day? ????????????in a hearse!
"
"her antiquated dress will not please
in such modern-day times such as these.
too old-fashioned? no doubt,
though she still will go out
wearing garb that's, to her, the bee's knees.
"
"conjoined twins, named toulouse and big moose,
faced the noose, then one brother broke loose.
moose was quickly brought back.
he defended this tack:
""we have nothing, toulouse!"" his excuse.
"
"here's a flaw ed broke through: the guy's short,
yet he basks in his teammates' support.
no one cares anymore
that he stands five foot four,
since he's hell on a basketball court.
"
"it was love at first sight. she was swell:
charming, graceful, and gorgeous as well.
like an angel?  i froze.
she was picking her nose.
well, that last, i admit, broke the spell.
"
"we were doing cocaine in my den.
""it's the cops!"" now i'm busted again.
scared and anxious, with coke out,
in a cold sweat i broke out.
i fear a long stretch in the pen.
"
"when some hackers broke into my files,
what they found there i'm sure brought them smiles.
was my hard drive concealing
any info worth stealing?
no, nothing but porn, piles and piles.
"
"nancy reagan was naked beside me,
saying, ""chris, you feel so good astride me!""
then she morphed to al gore,
and i broke for the door.
doc, what therapy can you provide me?
"
"where their army broke through is immense.
now their onslaught is quick and intense.
though we saved lots of dough,
it was foolish, i know,
to have put up a white picket fence.
"
"this strange space-thing broke out of its pod
and looked just like my uncle. how odd!
more are stealing our lives.
still, if mankind survives,
this will make a great movie, by god!
"
"a wild gunfight broke out at the bar
of a deli. it gave me a scar
that keeps mindful this lesson:
at a delicatessen,
sit far from the pickled egg jar.
"
"on the day of the prom, i broke out.
why do pimples consistently sprout
on a teenager's nose?
that's just life, i suppose.
i'll clear up when i'm 80, no doubt.
"
"here's a riddle for those in the mood:
name a number that, written, is viewed
to have letters you'll count
to that very amount.
and the answer? ""two cubed."" (pretty shrewd!)
"
"my wife drinks, her political views
are the pits, and she gives me the blues,
but her feet are just fine,
one size larger than mine,
so i use her to break in my shoes.
"
"denutrition will surely undo you.
if you're not eating well, that'll screw you.
when your food's not enough
to sustain you, it's tough.
look! strong light simply passes right through you!
"
"cerebrology? be realistic!
let me ask you a question simplistic:
when you study the brain,
you use what, in the main?
don't you think that's a bit narcissistic?
"
"of azalea, i'm terribly fond.
she's my dream, though she lives 'cross the pond.
""mister perfect,"" i wrote,
""says to get on a boat!""
two years later, she's yet to respond.
?
then she moved from new york to australia.
so to auckland i trailed my azalea.
now she lives 'cross the ditch.
""mister perfect""? that's rich!
as a lover, i'm clearly a failia.
"
"it's beneath me to answer your letter.
i did not kill your aunt's irish setter!
if you keep up this libel,
i swear on a bible
my lawyers will make you think better!
"
"aphrodisia? define it, i must:
when a man spies a woman's firm bust
or fine legs, it's that feeling
that's hotly appealing.
want a short definition? try ""lust.""
"
"anisomastia's trouble for helen.
where it came from, there's no way of tellin'.
if you look at her chest,
there's one apple-sized breast,
but the other's as big as a melon.
"
"it's well known that the coldest of showers
have anaphrodesiac powers.
first for sex you are hot,
but then after, you're not,
and this feeling can last you for hours.
"
"they were blamably lax with their sons
when it came to the subject of guns.
then when donald shot walt,
and they cried, ""who's at fault?""
i responded, ""it's clear you're the ones.""
"
"""see my banner ad?"" squealed becky phelps.
""i sell all sorts of seaweeds and kelps.
i've a great click-through rate
of 11.8!
(you don't have to be nude but it helps.)
"
"if our christ visits earth bimillennially,
he is long overdue, incident-ially.
i've no doubt he's concerned
since the last time he learned
how we tend to treat saviors perennially.
"
"eod? bomb disposal's for me,
jill and juan. eod says that we
have a right to this job.
should some bigoted slob
say we don't, he'll be gone?eod.
"
"the officer labeled commissioned
(not a sergeant) has long been conditioned
to a life free from sin.
if it's trouble you're in,
with cheap sex he won't be propositioned.
"
"i'm an archery-loving inventor.
my device causes arrows to enter
their targets so no
imprecision will show:
every shot hits the mark at dead center.
"
"he appeared on the balcony doped
and confessed that a cardinal he'd groped,
so this vatican clown
was told, ""get outa town!""
that's how festus the first was dispoped.
"
"my father (you've heard of him), satan,
had a fling with gail daley of dayton.
the result was a demidevil,
a partial or semi-devil,
with problems i never will straighten.
"
"colliquative sweat is profuse,
just as much as your skin can produce.
too much exercise can
be a danger to man.
(for my laziness, that's my excuse.)
"
"""for our recent dephlegmedness, thanks!""
said some frenchmen to three of us yanks.
""we have just passed the hat
and are pleased to say that
your reward is one hundred ten francs!""
"
"little man with tall tales, how you drew us,
but now we deny you?so sue us!
there's a walk of fame star
to ""the munchkins"" so far,
but in hollywood, not in st. louis.
"
"becky broke her engagement to ray,
shouting, ""marry that moron? no way!""
""i'm a doctor,"" he'd said,
but she found out instead
he's a bookie and part-time valet.
"
"a security break on the net
has me stunned, breaking out in a sweat.
i'm a man voters chose,
and now somebody knows
that i chat on the web as ""babette.""
"
"""is communicativeness hard for a mime?""
i responded, ""
?
???????????????."" ""yes, i'm sure
that you're misunderstood all the time.""
"
"i don't care what you think that it says,
this small city does not rhyme with fez.
if you're living out there,
it is clearly ""des peres.""
only outsiders say ""des peres.""
"
"the jungle abounds in strange creatures
with many unusual features.
though they're plentiful now,
we must save them somehow.
so say worried ecology teachers.
"
"lord, the lengths to which parents have gone!
for their two-year-old daughter, named dawn,
tom and tess, to impress,
bought a babyhouse! yes!
what i wonder is, who mows the lawn?
"
"though outnumbered by twenty to one,
how much fear did i have for them? none!
they were only a loud,
pusillanimous crowd.
they broke up when i pulled out my gun.
"
"yes, the dog killed his master, it's true?
a dominicide case, through and through.
still, this grisly assault
was the owner's damn fault.
you don't name dogs like that ""sweet baboo.""
"
"a promise 'tween lovers, soft spoken;
a little glass trinket, a token;
her spirit; her heart;
my left leg, for a start;
all are things i've regrettably broken.
"
"when the power broke down in our dorm
last december because of a storm,
i invited five gals
who were not more than pals
to my bed so we all could stay warm.
"
"i have run out of cheese. i am wedgeless.
no huge hammer have i. i am sledgeless.
and this ball in my hand?
even fools understand
that no edges exist. it is edgeless.
"
"i've confirmed that in europe it's true
there are folks who eat badderlocks stew.
it's a seaweed that's brown.
people choose it, hands down.
(yeah, i know?they like soccer there, too.)
"
"i was only a private first class
with a healthy disdain for the brass.
did ectopia cause
all my officers' flaws,
each one born with his head up his ass?
"
"by round 12, he was killin' me; then
i was floored, but got up before ten.
in a clinch, someone spoke:
""awright, break!"" so i broke,
and the slaughter resumed once again.
"
"the term baby beef  sounds like it might
mean: ""this diaper is on too damn tight!""
though too old to be veal,
it's a calf that's ideal
for a carnivore's meaty delight.
"
"of my knack for defining i'm proud,
just like all the oedilfian crowd,
but i can't say dilucidate
means simply ""elucidate""
since homophone rhymes aren't allowed.
"
"my assistant's exceedingly clever
and supports our dishonest endeavor.
though not always on time,
he explains, ""clearly i'm
an abettor,"" he shrugs, ""late than never.""
"
"half a clear plastic ball has got zing
when suspended. this modernist thing
is a bubble chair, mate.
leather cushions look great!
when you sit, like the '60s, you'll swing!
"
"a day that's observed as an ember day,
not just any old march or december day,
is the kind of a day
where you fast and you pray,
not some gift-giving got-to-remember-day.
"
"a gallagher fan, my friend rob,
says, ""a dial's an adjustable knob
like the ones on tvs.""
there is one, though, he sees
that's marked ""brightness"" that fails at its job.
"
"what a scoop! i'll at last break a story:
""headless torsos turn up in a quarry"".
though the corpses were bloated,
the editor noted:
""no dice?insufficiently gory.""
"
"say you're shipboard and having a chat,
but the deck's not entirely flat.
a missed step, up or down,
might cause more than a frown?
mind each break or you'll fall on your prat.
"
"to bring home the ""big o,"" i'm aggressive.
my foreplay, some say, is excessive.
pleasing women's my aim,
so then how can you claim
as a stud i'm not all that impressive?
"
"""he was in his camaro, you say?
pope benedict? really? no way!""
""no, i said he was in
his camauro,"" i grin,
""there in rome when i saw him that day.""
"
"in his youth, he had vowed to outdo
the most famous and skilled cordon bleu.
he worked hard for success,
but could not handle stress,
and adversity broke him in two.
"
"mary ann got the mansion in crete
in dad's will. all the cash went to pete.
rex (that mutt!) got the ship.
as for me? i got zip,
my disheritance, sadly, complete.
"
"""here's yer menu. be seated, ya drip!
you want specials? don't give me no lip!""
if a waitress should be
so disgracious to me,
it is bound to reflect in her tip.
"
"""mother's dying. she's *snicker* laid low
in great pain *giggle*?"" ""cut! no, no, no!
please compose yourself, ben,
and we'll shoot this again.""
(breaking character means you're no pro!)
"
"in her swimsuit, denise made a splash,
and her body was clearly a smash.
still, one viewing suggests
that her firm, perky breasts
are at odds with her walrus moustache.
"
"pope benedict (you know, the german)
might relax, after giving a sermon,
in his personal space
with camauro in place.
that's a cap of red velvet and ermine.
"
"electric organ?just what does that mean?
is it new on the medical scene?
are we reaching the day
when to doctors we'll say,
""thanks, now where do i plug in my spleen?""
"
"""there are dimples on golf balls,"" says chevy.
""in fact, you could say there's a bevy.
a sweet southern belle
might have dimples as well,
but her dimplement won't be as heavy.""
"
"""you don't bartender here, serving rounds.
that's a term just as wrong as it sounds.
you tend bar, jack!"" (it's clear
this drunk schoolteacher here
is opposed to the verbing of nouns.)
"
"for spring-cleaning, i huffed and i puffed
since my cellar and attic were stuffed
with foul garbage that, sadly,
accumulates badly.
i've got to get rid of this cruft.
"
"exasperation! that's just what i feel
stuck in traffic. i fume at the wheel.
like this moron ahead?
is he drunk? is he dead?
hit the gas, you old fart! what's the deal?
"
"though severely addicted to meth,
i am comfortable facing my death.
with no worries or fears,
i've got dozens of years
to the day that i draw?
"
"while i'm sipping an exquisite sherry,
yvette, my french maid, stops to tarry.
with her voice a soft purr:
""are you comfortable, sir?""
as she peels me a grape, i say, ""very.""
"
"number two, truly ""pope for a day,""
was an antipope, annals would say.
when celestine got bounced,
he stayed calm and announced,
""you don't want me as pope? well, ok.""
"
"with respect from our club my incentive,
my system for filing's inventive.
i keep every last note,
every word, every quote.
you could say that i'm annals-retentive.
"
"i suspect you believe what you say:
""there are spies in the moscow ballet.""
i'll allow you to rail
on and on with this tale,
but accept it as gospel? no way!
"
"barking spiders, my friend will insist,
just means ""farting."" i found, though, a twist
while composing these lines?
something else it defines:
these tarantulas truly exist.
"
"mayday! mayday! the cockpit's unmanned!
both the pilots are dead! understand?
auto-pilot's ok,
though it grieves me to say
i can't find any dial that says ""land""!
"
"what a puzzle emcee was to me.
can you guess what its background might be?
first, from master we take
that first ""m,"" then we make
the word ceremonies give up its ""c.""
"
"""before we make love, i must share
a deep secret,"" said claire with despair.
though embarrassing, i'm
dasypygal, big time.""
both her buttocks were covered in hair.
"
"pope celestine v was unfit,
the first pontiff proclaiming, ""i quit!""
did his life as a hermit
give peter a permit
to run things in rome? not a bit!
"
"celestine iv, no one straighter,
took the job as our head satan-hater.
what'd he do? not that much.
found the privies and such,
then the bucket he kicked two weeks later.
"
"celestine iii was a sage.
in a era when war was the rage,
with diplomacy, he
conquered kings. all agree
he was stronger than men half his age.
"
"how to deal with this awful disease...
should i limit my intake of cheese?
maybe fast, or run laps,
or take hemlock, perhaps?
someone make up my mind for me, please!
"
"although john quincy adams was president,
to re-elect him the country was hesitant.
his post-mortem check-up
showed ""dead from the neck up""
(much the same as today's white house resident).
"
"what is crop milk? here, read all about it:
baby pigeons cannot live without it.
by mom, it's secreted.
thus babies are treated.
are cookies served also? i doubt it.
"
"""erecto-patent? whoa! what the hell?
i'm intrigued! mr. webster, do tell.""
""it means partially spread
and erect and it's said
of the wings of some insects."" (well, swell.)
"
"the term extra-base hit? a home run
is a perfect example of one.
plus, a triple is too.
add the double, then you
can be certain the list now is done.
"
"his belief in a just and fair god
broke today when he heard something odd
at his trial. the judge said,
""you stole two loaves of bread.
you'll be facing a firing squad.""
"
"frank, the customs guy, let out a shout
when he noticed paulette had about
her person twelve squid.
in her hat, too, were hid
seven various species of trout.
"
"that comfortable sofa of mike's
is the roomy one everyone likes.
comfy cushions? there's many.
what's more, there's not any
barbed wire, restraints, or sharp spikes.
"
"the villain's perverseness was chronic,
his speech patterns oft histrionic.
always wild, never blah,
he'd go, ""bwah-ha-ha-ha!"",
with a laugh that's described as demonic.
"
"let's elasticize currency now.
we'll make bills out of rubber, i vow.
though today people holler,
""i can't stretch a dollar,""
they could with this money, and how!
"
"my wife is expecting in may,
so the baby is well on its way.
i've been jailed (please don't laugh)
for a year and a half.
it's a miracle baby, i'd say!
"
"liquored up, louie's drunk as a fly
or a badger or bat. who knows why
for these sayings we use
things that don't consume booze?
you could get a skunk drunk, but why try?
"
"my english professor had stressed that
enaunter's a word that means ""lest that.""
it's an adverb last seen
in the year 815.
(i don't know that for sure. i just guessed that.)
"
"there's a network called espn
that is followed by millions of men,
for the most part the sorts
who can't get enough sports,
although women watch too, now and then.
"
"a blonde bombshell in blue jeans walks by
and i let out a long, wistful sigh,
for my job, sad to say,
is to kill her today.
the bedenimed young lady's a spy.
"
"angie's queen of the files, our top clerk.
not the slightest of tasks will she shirk.
""ergotropism's, yes,
what i've got, i confess:
an affinity, clearly, for work.""
"
"when she murmured, ""i want to be whipped,""
and then showed him her switches, he flipped.
she had dozens, he saw,
and then, clearly in awe,
""you are damn well equipped,"" well he quipped.
"
"born in quito, well-dressed ecuadoran
miguel likes to show that he's foreign.
on a typical day
he will wear a beret,
wooden shoes, a kimono, and sporran.
"
"ectromelia? yes, it's a fact:
from my birth, my left leg i have lacked.
""how's your life?"" asked some chick.
i replied, ""oh, can't kick.""
(ha! my funny bone's clearly intact!)
"
"lou, a small earless lizard, was cut
by a bowie knife stuck in his gut.
i advised, on the run,
""i'll go call 9-1-1!""
with his last dying breath, he said, ""what?""
"
"my bumfreezer doesn't earn praise
from the dean out at oxford. he brays:
""it's for eton you're dressed!""
that's just fine,"" i confessed.
""i have not had a bite in three days.""
"
"you're a fool if you think being able
to drink someone under the table
is cool. when you're smashed,
you're both mentally trashed
and physically grossly unstable.
"
"""the life of a model appeals,""
i had thought. now i know how it feels.
on the catwalk, i frown.
all dressed up, i fall down.
what's my downfall? these seven-inch heels!
"
"by mid-may, many flowers break through
the spring soil, and life blossoms anew.
some morticians advise
that cremation is wise
to keep zombies from breaking through, too.
"
"with a temp of a hundred and three,
i moaned, ""call a mortician for me.""
now today, ninety-nine
is the figure. i'm fine,
since my fever has broken, you see.
"
"i've been nailed for embezzlement, true.
now my bosses say this i must do:
not only must i
kiss the money goodbye,
they expect an apology, too.
"
"i insulted my barber one day,
and soon had the devil to pay.
the man butchered my hair;
that's a rug, now, up there.
i call it my ""devil toupee.""
"
"waves were breaking in kalamazoo
'gainst the rocks. we were later to rue
this unlikely event,
such a moment misspent,
since the surfers were breaking there, too.
"
"to recite single digits is fun!
eight, five, nine (seven more and we're done),
zero, three, seven, four,
two and six. any more?
yes, we've listed them all now but one.
"
"""give that chicken fat back to the chickens!""
screamed the song, though the memory sickens.
calisthenics at school
was the height of uncool.
how i hated that song like the dickens!
"
"here's an etiquette tip you can use.
any restaurant or bar that you choose
won't much care how you dress,
but one thing they will stress:
they expect you to show up in shoes.
"
"apropos our engagement, forget it!
as promises go, i regret it.
since the day that i found
you've been sleeping around,
i've done likewise so, baby, don't sweat it.
"
"""apropos,"" donna said with dismay,
""what the hell were you doing all day?""
why she used apropos
as she did, i don't know.
(it turns out it can mean ""by the way."")
"
"i'm this website's main animateur.
come on in! you'll enjoy us, i'm sure!
writing limericks is clearly
a skill you'll love dearly,
an addiction for which there's no cure!
"
"if adieu (""a farewell"") you would use
in your writing, you're welcome to choose
between plurals. this noun
is a snap to nail down.
you can go with adieus or adieux.
"
"""my conscience is easy,"" i say
to the judge. ""i'll be cleared, come what may.
i am guiltless. besides,
the sole snitch now resides
at the bottom of monterey bay.""
"
"""what makes molecules, doctor lamonde?""
victor smiled; he was pleased to respond:
""atoms pulled by a force
from electrons, of course.
the name's bond,"" he said, ""chemical bond.""
"
"my brother-in-law is a slob
with no schooling, no prospects, no job.
he's adrift in his life.
what he needs is a wife,
or a really large bank he could rob.
"
"jill's elastic, not set in her ways.
for example, she liked working days,
but when needed, she switched
and delayed getting hitched.
in these ways, she earned praise and a raise.
"
"as a modern-day drug buccaneer,
i had entered my ship no pot here.
now the cops suspect weed,
and i desperately need
to make 17 tons disappear.
"
"crops are up. demand's down. farmer pete
says, ""we're up to our asses in wheat!
with commodities so
gosh-darn easy, you know
it's a snap getting something to eat.""
"
"i had run at a nice, easy pace.
""slow and steady,"" i thought, ""wins the race.""
sixty starters all ran
when the contest began,
and i finished in 59th place.
"
"she decided quite early that clay
was the boy she would marry some day.
he was four. she was three.
i advised, ""wait and see.
either one of you might turn out gay.""
"
"as a show horse, they want me to trot.
am i asked for my preference? i'm not!
i think trotting's a bore
and i want something more,
so i break into gallops a lot.
"
"for ""the mouth of a river,"" some say
that the term embouchure has cachet.
should you blow in it, though,
there's one thing you should know:
you will never get music to play.
"
"mom was eaten alive by a bear
at a circus while visiting there.
by the lawsuit we brought,
circus management thought
they were eaten alive. (fair is fair.)
"
"fifth century rome? it was hell there,
yet celestine, as pope, went to dwell there.
out to ireland, he
sent a new appointee,
name of patrick. (i'm told he did well there.)
"
"men are breaking a path through the jungle
with machetes, a job they won't bungle.
there are leopards, you bet,
and an athlete's foot threat.
foes they face are both feline and fungal.
"
"i hoard books; i'm a bibliotaph.
my wife set a limit (don't laugh)
to the stacks i bring in:
they can't top our pet's chin,
so i went out and bought a giraffe.
"
"yes, the car that i'm driving's a heap.
i'm a steadfast economist, creep!
though that word is old-fashioned,
its meaning's impassioned:
i'm thrifty! i'm frugal! (i'm cheap.)
"
"said the note from the chef, ""bake the thighs
and then defly make chicken pot pies.""
i completed my task,
and when serving i'd ask,
""ok, who gets the meal without flies?""
"
"zip the clown pleaded, ""please be my bride
in a church with a fun house inside.
we'll say, 'come to the show!'
lotsa laughs, but please know
i do love you, all joking aside.""
"
"april fools' day?the day we were wed.
lord, i should have picked flag day instead.
i could tell from the start
you'd be breaking my heart:
whoopee cushions you placed in our bed.
"
"a commercial extols benny's grill:
""try their lobsters flown fresh from brazil!
tops in all types of steaks,
benny's got what it takes!""
but in fact they serve nothing but swill.
"
"""been fishin' for cuda, perhaps?""
this old fisherman treats us like saps.
""barracuda,"" he adds.
""no,"" i answer, ""just scads
of blue mars and some tunes and red snaps.""
"
"a canvas against which is thrown
random paint by some total unknown
is just artless, i'd say,
like an awkward pli?
or paul simon when singing alone.
"
"robert snarled, ""gimme all of your loot!""
our intent: grab the money and scoot.
but in order to bring
some more class to this thing,
i accompanied bob on my flute.
"
"she's so sexy, exceedingly hot,
and i lust for this woman a lot,
but the one time i said,
""is there room in your bed
for yours truly?"" she smiled: ""afraid not.""
"
"bill hates church, though his wife is devout.
jill's refined, though her husband's a lout.
bill sees jill on the side,
yet they both lust for clyde.
such entanglements rarely work out.
"
"the bandit broke open the box
with a rock smashing two flimsy locks.
but what then did he see?
a buck seventy-three.
it was clear he had not hit fort knox.
"
"enoptomancy doesn't come free.
fifty bucks is my usual fee.
you ask if you'll wed
someone skillful in bed?
let me check.... holy moley, it's me!
"
"he addicted three women to horse
so they couldn't escape him, of course.
now they're hookers. their doom
is an 8?10 room.
as their pimp, he shows zero remorse.
"
"with a bubble sort, pairs are compared,
and the higher (or lower) is snared.
so it goes, two by two,
till the whole list is through,
and the final results are declared.
"
"for her tender caresses i earn.
(that's an obsolete word for ""to yearn.""
join our scholarly crew?
write a limerick or two.
there's no limit to what you might learn!)
"
"he was naked and hairy and burly
and in bed with my cheatin' wife shirley.
said this shameless duet:
""this is just what you get!
you're to blame here for coming home early!""
"
"we thought early computers were swell,
though today they'd be judged slow as hell.
my first set-up was fun,
but its memory? none!
plus it printed in pencil as well.
"
"my surgeon's the best that they've got.
self-assurance? he's got quite a lot.
though he's said, ""it's no perjury:
i could do your brain surgery
blindfolded,"" (jeez, i hope not!)
"
"they've established a law that is hell
on all poets who cannot write well.
if the limericks they bring
do not show enough zing,
they'll be fined and locked up in a cell.
"
"we had said to the kidnappers, ""please!
our young son has a kidney disease!""
still, we met their demands
and he's back in our hands.
now our minds are completely at ease.
"
"i declared, ""crystal knickknacks are trash!""
as i broke them to pieces?ker-smash!
now they're shattered, i find
i was out of my mind:
they were worth several thousand in cash.
"
"the eight-year-old's parents conspired
when a new bassinet they acquired,
so he thinks. then he hears
(and he breaks into tears)
a new babe's on the way. he's been fired!
"
"in printing, a break is a space
between paragraphs. such is the case
in the following note
where it says, and i quote:
""check it out! there's a space in that place.""
"
"to a damp, all of mudville succumbed,
as the depths of depression we plumbed.
every man in the stands,
maybe 5,000 fans,
had seen casey strike out. we were bummed!
"
"now the church needs a new number one,
since pope benedict told us, ""i'm done.""
anti-catholicism types
oft have feminist gripes.
should the church now be run by a nun?
"
"folks at geico say anyone can
get insured, any woman or man.
it's a snap?nuthin' to it!
even cavemen can do it
(or so said the ads that they ran).
"
"with confusables, here is my stance:
entomology, seen at a glance,
can resemble, you know,
etymology, so
just remember, it's ""nuts, we've got ants!""
"
"with your bed a warm, comfy cocoon,
you're a fool to be rising so soon.
stop beginning your day
so damn early, i say.
trust me, life doesn't start before noon.
"
"kate exhibits her paintings with care,
though they range from ""subpar"" to ""just fair.""
she would like folks to see 'em
in a private museum.
all she needs is a blind millionaire.
"
"though our nation has problems, no doubt,
politicians who constantly spout
easy answers are fools.
the most basic of rules:
for hard times, there's no easy way out.
"
"certain girls lose their innocence early,
like a gal from my past, name of shirley.
though her hair, long and black,
hung straight down to her back,
through exposure her nickname was ""curly.""
"
"i consulted eight sources today:
depulsion's defined, they all say,
as a nine-letter noun
of no major renown
for ""a driving or thrusting away.""
"
"at the front of your head is your face.
as you very well know, it's the place
where your eyes and your nose
and your mouth all repose
(though i list them all here just in case).
"
"i am hoping my autobiography
(part linguistics, part jokes, part pornography)
will make mountains of dough
and eventually show
i broke ground in my field: lexicography.
"
"cash is plentiful. interest rates drop.
easy money, it's called. will it stop?
what comes next? should we save?
make our money behave?
i say who gives a damn?let's go shop!
"
"the eye witness, just one of a throng,
said, ""i saw him! his hair was cut long.""
but another said, ""short!""
that is why when in court
they are famous for getting things wrong.
"
"some may say that i'm just out of luck
since with portuguese money i'm stuck.
still, 200 escudos
buys a disk of menudo's.
(too bad that i think that they suck.)
"
"""the term face card? what's that? let me guess.
it's a king, queen, or jack maybe?"" ""yes.""
""or an ace? eight? five? three?""
""no, no, no, no siree,
since a face it has got to possess.""
"
"sarah winced at my face with despection
since, it's true, i've a horrid complexion.
""get a condom,"" she said,
""that will fit your whole head.
from your zits i require protection.""
"
"a chook is a woman (uk)
or (australia) a hen, so they say.
if to roam you're inclined,
keep this difference in mind
should you ask for one fried one fine day.
"
"mister fancy pants! you, with the cloak!
i despise all you la-di-da folk!
ruffled shirt fronts and such?
and that stick pin? too much!
but that fancy-pants cape? what a joke!
"
"the word extrados? mercy, that's new.
here's a brief definition for you:
it's the exterior curve
of an arch you'd observe,
not a spanish word meaning ""more two.""
"
"the strip that's called cathy has jests
using humor that frequently rests
upon shopping and weight.
you'll think cathy is great.
(that's assuming, of course, you have breasts.)
"
"a big mac is a sandwich that's got
two beef patties, cheese, lettuce (a lot),
pickles, onion, all done
on a sesame seed bun.
it tastes great, but a health food it's not.
"
"eek &amp; meek, as two humans, were nice,
though this strip used an off-beat device:
while the characters stayed
either bold or afraid,
when the pair first appeared they were mice.
"
"no, in spite of their sportsmanlike name,
eastern cricket frogs don't play the game.
should you ask if they eat
any crickety treat,
then the answer would be just the same.
"
"at the sound of my shot, tracer broke,
and although you may think it's a joke,
she came back at a trot
with the pheasant i'd shot,
two big macs and a medium coke.
"
"a newcomer's coming to earth.
anne's condition (rotund; of great girth)
is called ""delicate,"" see?
but our guest's no e.t.
this just means that she soon will give birth.
"
"damp the soil when you're first planting seeds
to give moisture that every seed needs.
be like me: just a sprinkle
and patience i think'll
reward you with strong healthy weeds.
"
"i love pineapples! man, just can't kick 'em!
i'll break hundreds each day and then stick 'em
in boxes so you
can have pineapples too.
(that expression just means that i pick 'em.)
"
"cleopatra was holding her asp
when i broke the snake free from her grasp.
she then saw me get into
my time machine pinto,
and vooom! i had left her agasp.
"
"elucubration's a noun that's defined
as ""a long publication, the kind
that takes ages to write?
tons of work, day and night.""
(one example comes quickly to mind.)
"
"i might mention, if anyone cares,
that the bearberry's favored by bears,
hence the name. i might try
to confirm this, but i
keep my nose out of beary affairs.
"
"i'm the holder of many degrees,
and my transcript shows all a's and b's.
ph.d.'s? listen, i'm
earning three at a time.
i'm so brainy, i do this with ease.
"
"there's a patient who's armed, pugilistic,
and at large. we are militaristic.
a code silver we call.
some want blood in the hall.
there's a lockdown. i'm not optimistic.
"
"hear the merchandise manager yelling:
""this sales report's less than compelling!
we need specialty shops,
not the old mom-and-pops?
a boutiquey approach to our selling!""
"
"jill's a free-thinking, curly-haired moppet.
her fashion sense? no one can top it.
she likes to sport beachware
just here, there, and eachwhere.
her priest, though, has asked her to stop it.
"
"baboon spiders you'd think would be neat.
are bananas a spidery treat?
do they swing through the trees
with the greatest of ease?
no, they're called that because of their feet.
"
"the air we are breathing's impure,
since there's damp in this mine in the ruhr.
i'm a risk-taking guy:
""be advised you may die,""
it had said in the travel brochure.
"
"before family circus, bill keane
with a tv-based comic was seen.
channel chuckles conveyed
jokes and gags he had made
from the titles we saw on the screen.
"
"twenty years' worth of lessons and please!
i sit down at the keys and i freeze.
how's my beethoven? lame.
and my mozart? the same.
i can't even play ""chopsticks"" with ease.
"
"callinectes are crabby, it's true,
but their name suggests gloominess, too.
it turns out that they're true crabs,
in fact, new world blue crabs.
i wonder what's making them blue?
"
"my cat is an old siamese
who's as free as the birds in the trees.
her favorite lair
is my overstuffed chair
where she's comfortable, safe, and at ease.
"
"""i am done with my boyfriend,"" sobbed faye.
""our love affair ended today.
he kept nagging me: 'please,
can't you lower your fees?'
like i'm gonna just give it away!""
"
"cingalese is a tongue, hardly varied
in ceylon, that's been faithfully carried
from father to son
since before the year one.
(it is not what you speak when unmarried.)
"
"since the mutual fund's doing well,
why not try one more ring of the bell?
start a clone fund, i say,
set up just the same way,
and with luck it will also excel.
"
"debbie's dad is a prude. his rebukes
are intense when she wears daisy dukes:
""have ye no sense of shame?
then let whore be thy name!""
and she cracks up and laughs till she pukes.
"
"dandy don was an exquisite, clearly.
he loved clothes (and his looking-glass) dearly.
when he said, ""who needs health?
my good looks are my wealth,""
you could tell that he meant it sincerely.
"
"at the wedding of miss corleone,
though to weight gain her daddy was prone,
i did not call him ""pudge,""
lest i sleep in the sludge
with the fishes. the threat makes me groan.
"
"playing poker, the name that i've got,
eldest hand, just refers to my spot.
when the cards are dispersed,
each one's dealt to me first.
my hand's eldest, but not by a lot.
"
"both his daughters complied; they were sportive,
not to mention quite lithe and contortive.
i was shocked, i confess,
at their affableness.
""he's our dad. no big deal. we're supportive!""
"
"gertrude ederle, weary and cold,
swam the channel at 20 years old.
said the first english greeter
who'd gone out to meet her,
""where's your passport?"" (...or so we are told.)
"
"our neighborhood bully, named hal,
spreads terror throughout the locale.
plus his twin, all admit,
is a threat every bit
as abusive, but worse?she's a gal!
"
"the first break in a word such as du-
odenitis is after the ""u.""
you're not sure how it's done?
just examine line 1
and line 2 of this verse for a clue.
"
"i felt sick and i looked even worse,
as i struggled to ring for the nurse.
""love of punning, you see,
is what's done this to me.
my condition grows steadily verse.""
"
"playing volleyball down at the beach,
we are even at seven points each.
as the onlookers cheer,
it's abundantly clear
that both teams have the win within reach.
"
"my wife left me and ran off with steven,
but i didn't spend too much time grievin'.
i seduced and wed annie
(she's steven's great-granny).
my revenge was complete?we were even!
"
"""you take half of all goods we possess.
i'll take thomas, our son. you take tess.
and the cost of divorce
we'll pay jointly, of course,
then be even,"" he said, ""more or less.""
"
"his demeanor was even, folks said,
with a manner as wild as white bread.
he was called ""steady eddie,""
till he took a machete
and sliced half the neighborhood dead.
"
"in... and out. in... and out. in... and out.
in... and out. in... and out. in... and out.
breathing even as this
means there's nothing amiss.
you should sleep through the night without doubt.
"
"mom complained to the contractor, ""steven,
this floor's on a tilt. it's not even.
he said time and again,
""you're mistaken,"" and then,
as a marble rolled by, ""i'll be leavin'.""
"
"""the curtains aren't even,"" says dwight.
""when they hang, they should be the same height.""
he's my roommate. i feel
half an inch? no big deal.
just as long as they match, they're all right.
"
"he exhibits his talent each day
on a street corner out in l.a.
he can fart ""spanish flea""
then present ""let it be.""
(pretty soon they will take him away.)
"
"empty hours, those not put to use,
are a crime, so get off your caboose!
read a book. take a class.
write a poem. mow the grass.
be inventive! contribute! produce!!
"
"some extremophiles live on the floor
of the ocean, but what the hell for?
there's great pressure, no light,
yet for them life's just right
in a neighborhood most would deplore.
"
"it was abie, our comics' first jew,
who provided a straightforward view
of that race, but the others?
our mexican brothers
and blacks were looked down upon. nu?
"
"i don't mean to be overly catty,
but your diet, you hog, is too fatty.
sixteen grams is a lot,
but that's just what you've got
in your lower-priced hamburger patty.
"
"my son clem was, the last time i checked,
still a virgin. he's not even necked
with his gal becky sue.
once he learns what to do,
he will like it just fine, i expect.
"
"in a time when most comics were dreck,
betty boop sure was sexy, by heck!
there was cleavage to spy,
frequent flashes of thigh,
a rectangular head and no neck.
"
"it's been labeled ""the first daily strip,""
with each day a new horseracing tip.
this was a. piker clerk.
did the tips always work?
well, your winnings might often be zip.
"
"charles babbage, you might say, was bright.
in a way he's the source of this site.
he invented, you see,
a primeval pc
and without a transistor in sight!
"
"michael hit for the cycle today
with a powerful batting display:
a single (just one),
plus a double, home run,
and a triple. impressive, i'd say.
"
"the rapist, repulsive and sleazy,
told his story. it made me feel queasy.
then, with sentence suspended,
my patience was ended:
""you bastard! you're getting off easy!""
"
"biantheriferous, that's our friend moose.
his condition provides an excuse
for not wearing a hat.
none will fit him, and that
is the reason he wears a burnoose.
"
"we must educate children to see
there's no limit to what they can be
if they just persevere.
teach them, year after year,
that it's clear that their schooling's the key.
"
"mike's the easiest mark i have seen:
over-trusting, dumb, gullible, green.
he believes any claim,
and his family's the same.
i can't wait till his daughter's 18.
"
"who's the ""boy scout"" that europe adores?
he's still big on those vast foreign shores.
here's a hint: there's a strip
most non-yanks think is hip,
although everyone stateside ignores.
"
"hunters broke up the deer amid chatter
of venison served on a platter.
to break up means ""to carve,""
so their families won't starve.
(for the deer, though, it's no laughing matter.)
"
"yes, my dad broke his shotgun, although
does that mean that he damaged it? no.
he might break it, i'd say,
twenty times in one day
to reload, make it ready to go.
"
"self-destructive, tom climbed into bed,
broke an artery, bled?now he's dead.
what a mess he had left.
now his family's bereft:
""how we wish he'd used poison instead!""
"
"he's the president tagged ""41.""
to be honest, when all's said and done,
he was not all that bad.
why'd we one-term the dad
but give two to his not-as-good son?
"
"? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

dear ringo:

you rock!! you're the man!!
no one else can play drums like you can.
i've got all of your hits,
and i l?ve you to bits!!!!!
please respond to this letter.

???????????????????????????????????a fan???

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
"
"i crack up when a limerick works well
(makes me laugh and then giggle like hell),
but i'll also react
in this way, it's a fact,
to an elephant joke you might tell.
"
"i have written a dance, barnyard jig,
a new tune that i hope will be big.
it's a novelty act,
as a matter of fact,
for three men and one gal and a pig.
"
"an escapist takes off in a rocket. a
ship's nearing port?he must block it! a
siren is nearing.
these love songs he's hearing:
""ta-pocketa-pocketa-pocketa.""
"
"without doubt, playing pool i'm a pro.
my top break? 90 balls in a row.
ask the experts. their view's
in my hands, a pool cue's
like a brush in the hand of van gogh.
"
"asked an ancient professor of botany:
""blooms with legs, but no stems?have we got any?""
""all the flowers that grow
come with stems."" ""yes, i know,
but i'm hoping to break the monotony.""
"
"""our friend poppo is pope!"" friends would shout it
on hearing the good news about it.
back in 1048,
did he win with the great
slogan: ""poppo for pope-o""? i doubt it.
"
"with the cleaners on, work had begun:
auditorium mopping?what fun!
as i worked, this thought came:
""these lights' name is the same
as the place where my dry cleaning's done.""
"
"the professor had made a suggestion:
""please respond, if you can, to the question
'amphopeptone is what?'?""
and my answer, uncut:
""it's a product of gastric digestion.""
"
"""baby-minder."" the ad sounded fun.
""we will pay you to mind our young son.""
on my very first try
i was fired, but why?
each demand the kid made i had done.
"
"the alive found in eaten alive
i'll define in two lines out of five.
the meaning i'm giving:
consumed ""while still living"",
means chances are zip you'll survive.
"
"in a kitchen boutique once in france,
an old clerk gave me more than a glance;
he was eyeing me closely.
i regretted morosely
the microwave stuffed down my pants.
"
"a good bakery will use enclosed space
that is made with each glass-fronted case.
cookies? here,????????????????????pastries there,
on each shelf????????????????????tasty fare;
happy shoppers all over the place!
"
"to those diehards in gray who insist
that the csa's desperately missed,
note: of all of our presidents,
our white house's residents,
jeff davis is not on the list!
"
"the between maid assisted the cook.
from the housekeeper, orders she took.
plus the butler as well
was her boss. (what the hell?)
doubt you'll find her today should you look.
"
"shifty sue, auctioneer, longed for walter
(a real hunk, and so no one could fault her).
she misled him at length,
smooth persuasion her strength,
till she fast-talked her way to the altar.
"
"dan broke ship. now they're trying to shame him
and ""ua"" they've officially named him.
though his shipmates returned,
for wild women he yearned
and, to tell you the truth, i don't blame him.
"
"the conversion of grass into cheese,
the remarkable lawns of belize,
how our grasses survive,
20 grass lover drive?
agrostographers wrote all of these.
"
"""i can face an extraction; i'm young,""
i had thought. first, the novocaine stung.
then the dentist, confused,
the wrong instrument used
and mistakenly took out my tongue.
"
"there's a butler who's hidden a gun,
maids a-plenty, and intrigue?what fun!
agent gates (a valet)
and his crew save the day
and the dowager, pre-world war one.
"
"if 300 you set out to bowl,
but the ball you've decided to roll
is an old piece of junk,
and, what's more, you're dead drunk,
then you're sure to fall short of your goal.
"
"faithful hobbes was the sort of a friend
on whom calvin could always depend.
how their readership cared
as adventures they shared!
it's a shame that this strip had to end.
"
"the adventures of patsy, my dear-o?
whatcha know of it? probably zero.
though forgotten today,
the historians say
it had featured our first superhero.
"
"if you want your home garden to grow,
you should break clumps of soil with a hoe.
maybe plant some potatoes,
green beans, or tomatoes.
(marijuana's illegal, you know.)
"
"there are bible stores, ten in a row,
on one street and they're all making dough.
they are broken by one
lonely porn shop: bar nun.
(what a shocker! its business is slow.)
"
"you will likely hear comments (the snide kind)
when you draw to a straight (the inside kind).
should this tactic succeed,
you should try not to heed
others' looks (the intense, boggle-eyed kind).
"
"roland broke into pam's recitation
at sunday's free-verse celebration.
seven ""poems"" she had shared
when he stood up and dared:
""let's have rhymes and some anapestation!""
"
"maple extract is something you favor
if the taste of that tree sap you savor.
it's a concentrate, so
when you use it, go slow.
just a bit gives that maple-y flavor.
"
"what's to see at a burleycue show?
a display of fine paintings? well, no.
still, i'd have to suggest
that a woman undressed
beats the hell out of any van gogh.
"
"kim had called me this morning to say,
""chris, i'm ready. come take me. let's play!""
well, at that, i'm all smiles.
i just ate up the miles?
some 600 in less than a day.
"
"little sammy, preparing to suckle,
daps his mother, which causes a chuckle.
that's a greeting, although
how the hell does he know
about fist bumping knuckle to knuckle?
"
"a code papa is used now and then
as a shipboard announcement for when
there's a spill soiling land
or the waterways and
mother nature gets screwed once again.
"
"boner's ark is a comic that's tame,
and its humor, i'm sorry, is lame.
if i were to meet them
(the writers), i'd greet them
with: ""why give the captain that name?""
"
"the strip belvedere features a mutt
who decidedly knows what is what.
he is crafty and wise,
while the two-legged guys
who surround him are anything but.
"
"gary larson was tops of them all.
he was witty and so off the wall.
yet today should you ""borrow""
a strip, then tomorrow
his lawyers will give you a call.
"
"there's a baby who can't wait to meet us.
after nine months ""inside,"" he will greet us.
until then eggbert drags
out old pregnancy gags
that are told from the view of a fetus.
"
"scaling mountains? i don't have the time
now i'm 60 and well past my prime.
on my walks, i will keep
to small hills?not too steep.
i prefer a nice, easier climb.
"
"when the wind's bitter cold, what that means
is you don't go outside in just jeans
and a t-shirt. some say
love will warm you, but they
are all morons who just don't know beans.
"
"brother juniper gained the esteem
of the whole human race, it would seem.
this daily strip's fun
was unique as the one
seen worldwide with religion its theme.
"
"college hi-jinx with boots and her mates?
classroom crushes and going on dates?
often focused on styles
as her buddies brought smiles
(though this strip wasn't one of the greats).
"
"there's a mule that i'd like to applaud
for the way that her humor was broad.
with remarkable flair,
she'd kick folks in the air,
and her name, said the comic, was maud.
"
"pre-columbian history could boast
a true native american host,
but when readership slumped,
honest stories were dumped,
and then akwas, i'm sorry, was toast.
"
"my complete lack of skills i take flak on,
and to that ""old as dust"" you can tack on.
and a college degree?
i don't need one, you see,
since i still have my looks to fall back on.
"
"in the times, i was reading ""john glenn
bhaarkaah pop etaoin shrdlu,"" and then,
while rereading the line,
i was forced to opine,
""some fool proofreader blew it again.""
"
"doctor volga says, ""make no mistakes,""
lake baikal is the deepest of lakes.
it's so deep,"" he explains,
""deep-sea fish it contains.
lake superior? ha! no great shakes.""
"
"""one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, bip, and then twelve would be great!""
so the dozenalist claims.
to base-12 this guy aims
to convert the u.s. (i can't wait!)
"
"smilin' jack was quite handsome, it's true,
but his co-pilot? gorgeous! (woo-woo!)
gals were swooning, indeed,
but what readers agreed?
a grand total of no one, that's who!
"
"in australia, a belltopper's what?
it's an a) aboriginal hut,
or a b) type of bat,
or a c) tall silk hat,
or a d) mongrel; feral dog; mutt.
"
"the black swallower eats like a pig.
any all-you-can-eat place he'd dig.
he's just ten inches long
with a stomach so strong
he can swallow a fish twice as big.
"
"it was never a nickname he chose.
it dealt not with his moods nor his clothes.
almost two centuries dead,
""the black prince,"" it was said,
""was his name."" but why? nobody knows.
"
"david carradine, everyone knew,
was a star back in '72.
though kill bill was a treat,
the role no one can beat
was his ""caine"" from the program kung fu.
"
"there's no depth to which jake won't descend
to attack or betray a best friend.
he enjoys doing wrong.
guys like him don't last long.
he will come to a grim, early end.
"
"nick's a drug pusher. often he finds
that this pitch works on kids of all kinds:
""from the past, break the chains!
have some fun with your brains!
you have nothing to lose but your minds!""
"
"you could search through your whole rand mcnally
without topping our bubblegum alley.
chewed-up gum is on view,
unhygienic, it's true.
take a picture or two, but don't dally.
"
"first the tale of some kid and a dame,
the strip abbie an' slats soon became
more about this old guy
with a glint in his eye:
""bathless"" groggins (one heck of a name).
"
"some say citizen dog is the same
as eighteen other strips they could name:
talking dog, average guy,
jokes in ample supply,
yet it's much better written, i claim.
"
"cleats is all about kids and their sports:
running track and on basketball courts,
swimming laps, catching flies,
and the rest ? gals' and guys'
competitions of various sorts.
"
"steam exhausts through that pipe, so take care.
when you're working, don't stand over there.
where the steam's coming out
is a hazard, no doubt,
so whenever you're near it, beware.
"
"i established my son at the firm?
gave him work, though the kid is a worm.
being honest, i must
make this judgment: he's just
a regrettably sad waste of sperm.
"
"a break in the line of defenders
made my grandson's contingent contenders.
he zipped through it, ignored,
ran the distance and scored.
i'm so proud i could bust my suspenders!
"
"on expressways cars speed, but don't sweat it.
drive safely?you'll never regret it.
they'll take motorbikes speedy,
and trucks, yes indeedy,
but sleighs pulled by horses? forget it!
"
"in the comic strip dondi, the lad
was a tragic war orphan. how sad.
such a brave little man!
(i was never a fan.
still, the movie was ten times as bad.)
"
"in berlin i attended a sermon,
though the subject i couldn't determine.
maybe times long ago?
or god's grace? i don't know,
since i don't have an ear for high german.
"
"cutter john, milo bloom, bill the cat,
quiche lorraine, and steve dallas, and that
isn't half of the bounty
that's known as bloom county,
a strip that had never gone flat.
"
"""becky sue's far too masculine, cletus!""
""yeah, i know. now no doctor will treat us.
said the last we consulted:
'exfetation's resulted.'
my scrotum now harbors a fetus!""
"
"rookie joe broke his wrists on that swing.
will he soon have an arm in a sling?
no, it's clear he has learned
that his wrists must be turned
as he swings. at the plate he is king.
"
"we had not won a game since last week.
screamed the coach, ""men, we must break this streak!""
it was not meant to be:
we lost 20 to 3.
now our outlook's decidedly bleak.
"
"aged millionaire agatha crumm
was a charming eccentric to some.
""as a corporate head,
she's a stitch,"" readers said,
although i found her somewhat ho-hum.
"
"""i will measure your eyestrings!"" he swore,
as we fought, tooth and nail, on the floor.
i protected my face,
kept my eyes both in place,
which is just what those tendons are for.
"
"said a sorceress, making a blunder,
""you've avoided my magic!"" (no wonder.
cried her classified ad:
""charm's for sale."") that's too bad.
hers are spells that i will not fall under.
"
"that hotel clerk's deranged, i believe.
""we are programmed,"" he claims, ""to receive.
when you check out, you will
leave your key, pay your bill,
and depart. what you won't do is leave.""
"
"the strip dykes to watch out for i'd rate
as a work that right-wingers might hate.
from a lesbian pen,
it's ok. (then again,
i'm a middle-aged male who is straight.)
"
"a young gent, often accident-ridden,
knew exactly just what was forbidden.
you might think boob mcnutt
would be scandalous, but
breasts and testicles always were hidden.
"
"what a wedding day libel to write
in the guest book, a terrible slight!
bill had entered his name
then, below it, this claim:
""i had sex with the bride just last night.""
"
"""with corruption, our city is fraught,""
cried the mayor, ""but i can't be bought!
re-elect me?i stress
i will clean up this mess!""
(right. that jerk was the first one they caught.)
"
"in the year 2080, barbarians
in axa are often contrarians.
axa's strong, with huge breasts;
her scant costume suggests
when the bomb drops, we're all libertarians.
"
"with postpartum depression, there's news:
there are treatments a woman can choose
that will help to take care
of that post-birth despair
that's much worse than what's called baby blues.
"
"i'd had every chance to succeed,
with all possible breaks guaranteed.
now full grown, i have failed.
i'm despondent and jailed.
i attribute my downfall to weed.
"
"""i just bowled a 230!"" roared jake.
""seven strikes and three spares and one break.""
confused, i was gropin':
""you had only one open?""
""they mean the same thing, for pete's sake!""
"
"""first dispose of the papers and trash
if you want to obtain spending cash.""
(here's a '50s-style song
for the word-loving throng.)
""yakety-yak! don't elenchize!"" (a smash!)
"
"to eye means ""supply with an eye""
and, although i'm a generous guy,
now you say you could use
one of my baby blues?
that's a favor i'll have to deny.
"
"fat albert was big in his day.
his creator, bill cosby, might say,
""we were friends in my youth?
'hey, hey, hey!'? that's the truth,
but play buck buck with albert? no way!""
"
"there's a site in this travel brochure:
ovum city. some entrepreneur
has stacked eggs to the sky
in a pile a mile high.
that's an eggs aggeration, i'm sure.
"
"when i play tic-tac-toe at maurice's,
toxic odors his backside releases.
does this break, you ask, my
concentration? well, i
would say yes, in a million one pieces!
"
"i tried playing my dad's violin
with a small embouchure i'd put in.
though i blew, no sound came,
so perhaps i'll find fame
with a banjo tucked under my chin.
"
"you might take this as quite a surprise,
but my peacock has dozens of eyes.
they're the markings, all round,
in his tail feathers, found
as he struts and for ladies he vies.
"
"old readership figures were dwarfin'
the new ones. the title was morphin'
to a shorter one: annie.
this fave of your granny
had dropped two main words: little orphan.
"
"""for external use only"" it said.
(it was meant to be rubbed on one's head.)
but tom ate the whole tube,
like an ignorant boob.
two days later, this moron was dead.
"
"detective, stunt pilot, reporter,
connie needed no man to support her.
how can heroes be girls
with such pretty blonde curls?
every villain believed he could thwart her.
"
"the hardware store clerk would appear
to be quite hard of hearing, i fear.
""it's a bug light i need.""
he looked puzzled indeed,
then returned with a cold can of beer.
"
"i once dated a hot playboy bunny,
a tall, leggy blonde?a real honey.
god, her upkeep was steep.
heaven doesn't come cheap!
our relationship ate up my money.
"
"here we're dancing around a sombrero.
cupid aims and lets loose with an arrow.
her eyes dance with delight.
i don't know, but it might
be some ocular form of bolero.
"
"him? a spook? i don't think he can sell it.
there's a rat around here?i can smell it!
he's no high-ranking guy
in the famed fbi.
hell, that imbecile can't even spell it!
"
"the card table broke in the rain.
it collapsed under not that much strain
of some magazines, clyde.
you'd have brought it inside
if you only possessed half a brain.
"
"some majorities seek opportunity
to oppress smaller groups with impunity.
in nepal, some may say,
""you're a dhoti. go 'way!"",
to insult the madhesi community.
"
"in a face-up position, you're lying
with your face facing up. (i'm supplying
this clear definition
with an honest admission:
i wrote it without hardly trying.)
"
"billy's boots?when they're worn, he declares:
""they're the answer to all of my prayers.
i can magically score
unlike ever before""
(but it's soccer, so nobody cares).
"
"on the dance floor, eduardo was breaking,
well aware of the chance he was taking
of busting his head.
""when you break dance,"" says ed,
""it's all part of the image you're making.""
"
"there is darky, and crow, and then coon,
used by folks who from tact are immune.
what you cannot escape:
if you call a man ""ape,""
it is you who's the racist baboon.
"
"""after 22 years with no luck,
i today,"" dan exclaimed, ""broke my duck.""
in his 600th race,
he's at last in first place.
(should have quit long ago. what a schmuck!)
"
"said my editor, ""bozo's embrace
has some terms that you ought to replace.
for example, i'd ask
why, instead of just mask,
you're insisting on using false face?""
"
"see my crews working hard breaking ore
so the gold will be easy to score?
the geologists state:
""iron pyrite."" that's great!
i'll be richer than ever before!
"
"when my power went out, i was pissed!
why do breaks in my service exist
due to company flaws?
(it turned out that the cause
was the three or four payments i'd missed.)
"
"argyle sweater? it's funny, all right.
it's surreal and, at times, has some bite.
i'd say good, but not great.
i have wondered of late
why they don't call this strip far side lite.
"
"archie comics, i note with a frown,
for no links to real life wears the crown.
with five teens, it projects
not a whisper of sex.
does a malt shop exist in your town?
"
"is apartment 3-g ever clever?
is it witty? intriguing? no, never!
with each soap opera belle,
my own vision of hell
would be reading this comic forever.
"
"titled animal crackers, a name
that suggests it's a little bit lame,
this is one tired strip?
inoffensive, unhip?
and quite quickly it seems all the same.
"
"""cute but snarky"" these monsters are called.
upon reading their strip, i'm appalled.
they're mean-spirited, snide,
with no kindness inside.
into corners they ought to be hauled.
"
"andy capp likes his football and beer.
unemployed, he remains of good cheer.
in a change that's profuse:
no more spousal abuse!
from bad habits this strip tries to steer.
"
"selling andertoons anderson's paid.
here the business world's often displayed.
if his comic strips lack
what you need ""off the rack,""
you can order your own custom made.
"
"they would travel through time, pioneers,
alley oop and his troglodyte peers.
though today he's not hip,
this was gram's favorite strip.
(she's been dead now for 35 years.)
"
"international finance is funny?
this is more than a strip about money.
what makes alex a hit?
dazzling wordplay and wit
making rainy day forecasts seem sunny.
"
"agnes wants to be rich, but she's not.
a precocious, deprived little tot,
she is forced to reside
in an old double-wide.
dreams and wit, though? she's got quite a lot.
"
"as the strength of a dollar bill shrinks,
this young whiz-kid will share what he thinks:
money's tight, times are tough,
most aren't earning enough
and, in short, the economy stinks.
"
"brewster rockit is funny sci-fi,
and its star's not your average space guy.
i would say, for a start,
he's much like maxwell smart,
tv's favorite blundering spy.
"
"next to most strips, the humor is thinner:
angry boss, nagging wife, a burnt dinner,
plus a mother-in-law
there to point out each flaw.
the born loser?? not much of a winner.
"
"i consider the art second rate,
and i don't think the writing's that great,
but a flower named bob
does an excellent job
of displaying an admirable trait.
"
"it's the standard, the experts all say,
so ingrained that it's almost clich?.
for connubial bliss,
every comic like this
can thank blondie for leading the way.
"
"it's not hard to be merely bizarre,
or just loony, as many strips are.
but bizarreness with brains
makes one think, entertains,
and bizarro's the best now by far.
"
"though the formula used has succeeded
in the past, to cartoonists i've pleaded:
""without further ado,
go create something new.""
(gary larson, come back! you are needed!?)
"
"compared to broom-hilda, she's prettier.
next to agatha crumm, she is grittier.
but the reason i read
the strip betty, indeed,
is that stacked up to kathy, she's wittier.
"
"the better half?'s all about aging.
it tries to be cute and engaging.
it is similar, quite,
to the lockhorns all right,
but this couple's not nearly as raging.
"
"here is maybe the oddest strip yet,
one that's aimed at the high cuisine set.
jokes on wines i don't drink,
fancy restaurants... i think
maybe one out of five i don't get.
"
"this can not be just me (i'm not dumb).
most political strips leave me numb.
they're not funny! and yet
take deep cover. you bet!
liberal humor? i'll always succumb.
"
"the political strip day by day,
like the rest, is left wing? hell, no way!
what they tend to evoke
is an ignorant joke?
just conservatives having their say.
"
"bad taste the cartoonist is using
to make readers laugh. it's confusing.
the creeps is well named,
and i'm wholly ashamed
to admit it's perversely amusing.
"
"the strip crankshaft is funny enough,
but it isn't just meaningless fluff.
you might reach for the tissues
when it's dealing with issues
that show how one's life can be tough.
"
"a couple of guys means to say
that for lovin', there's more than one way.
plus to make the strip merrier,
a jack russell terrier
is featured and, yes, the dog's gay.
"
"""with the strip close to home,"" john's confiding,
""it might be well titled, providing
your neighborhood's weird,
and the strange is revered,
or a nuthouse is where you're residing.""
"
"derf's the city will offer a rant
with a strikingly liberal slant.
think republicans dim
and our outlook is grim?
then the city is bound to enchant.
"
"buck rogers' adventures we'd see
in the 25th century a.d.
many aspects (who knew?)
of that strip all came true
to a greater or lesser degree.
"
"one approach for a strip to make money
is to do without words, e.g. buni.
by the absence of prose,
buni?'s audience grows.
(it's a shame that it isn't so funny.)
"
"though this strip never had me in stitches,
broom-hilda fills one of those niches.
while not witty or striking,
she's good for those liking
cigar-smoking, man-hungry witches.
"
"family circus: a comic i've sworn
is so cutesy i view it with scorn.
it is so squeaky clean,
if you know what i mean,
i hope dolly grows up to do porn.
"
"who draws eric the circle? well, you do.
do its readers have talent? a few do.
if this is the case,
clever strips fill that space.
if they don't, then the strip can be doo-doo.
"
"if a strip about monsters you seek,
one that prompts more a grin than a shriek,
with a zombie, a donor
of an off-the-wall groaner,
allow me to recommend eek!
"
"every strip has its own sort of backers.
the 5th wave, for example, draws hackers.
while dick tracy is tops
with both young and old cops,
dude and dude is about, and for, slackers.
"
"there's a strip that's been known to enrage
every right-wing conservative sage.
it's called doonesbury and
even foes understand
of its type, it's the top of this age.
"
"doug's a baby. the dog is a pup.
are they cute to the max? i'd say yup.
dog eat doug is a strip
neither edgy nor hip.
that's why grandmothers eat this stuff up.
"
"city folk who, it's clear, don't know squat.
uncle ned, who eats possum a lot.
in the country you thrive?
you might like dixie drive.
rural comics? sure, why the hell not?
"
"""take this job,"" you may daydream, ""and shove it!""
and then, humor?there's nothing above it.
if line 1 and line 2
are for you wholly true,
then read dilbert. you're going to love it.
"
"of all of the comic strip cops,
most agree that dick tracy is tops.
as in real life, he shows
that in locking up foes,
innovation (high tech) never stops.
"
"we've two dennises, oddly enough.
in their own ways, they're both up to snuff.
their dennis is brasher,
his dog's name is gnasher,
while stateside the dog's name is ruff.
"
"""erythrophobia?that is my curse.
it's to blushing i'm wildly averse,""
wept diane. ""i turn red
over nothing,"" she said,
""and this fear only makes it all worse.""
"
"king alphonso, when hearing a band,
needed someone to lend him a hand.
tone deaf, he required
a helper be hired
to tell him just when he should stand.
"
"on this site, every limerick we've got
has been closely examined a lot.
easy markers may say,
""what the hell. it's ok,""
and then think that they're helping. they're not.
"
"patricia arquette is the one
who's a psychic and second to none.
her acting in medium
is nothing like tedium.
her emmy, in fact, says, ""well done!""
"
"when, in bringing up father, jiggs won
loads of money, his woes had begun.
his major (corned) beef
was he had no relief?
maggie's missiles he'd never outrun.
"
"generalissimo franco, i heard,
was a fashionist leader. my word!
i just bet he drew smiles
in the latest of styles,
every up-to-date fashion preferred.
"
"she had entered yale law at 13
(gained admission), the youngest they'd seen.
at 14, she'd burned out.
her potential, no doubt,
had gone spiraling down the latrine.
"
"karl sverkersson's nowadays listed
as the seventh king charles, but what's twisted
is king charles one through six,
due to numbering tricks,
are all monarchs who never existed.
"
"dead and wounded? / and risks?what are they? /
to get help there, just what's the best way? /
where's it at? / what's the need? /
what's occurred? / it's agreed
that this all is summed up with chalet.
"
"she was easy, they said, on the eyes:
lovely hair, ample bust, perfect thighs.
she seduced me one night.
and this ravishing sight?
turns out ""she"" is just one of the guys.
"
"""that's my boardwalk you've hit!"" leon roared.
sandra answered, in all sweet accord,
""you're mistaken and i'm
staying put, since this time
both the dice did not land on the board.""
"
"cheatin' chatsworth? they finally got 'im.
in a wild west saloon, someone shot 'im.
dealin' poker, when he
thought that no one would see,
he would erogate cards from the bottom.
"
"eastern narrow-mouthed toads aren't majestic.
they're quite small and (for yanks) they're domestic.
yet with letters a-plenty
(see above: four and twenty),
i'm just lucky the name's anapestic.
"
"as a college strip, downstown was splendid,
and its humor was highly commended.
later, singles and more
found themselves at its core.
you will not believe how this strip ended.
"
"the tension was eating me, truly,
till my wife came and said to me, coolly,
""don't stress out. keep your head.
with the witnesses dead,
there's no reason to worry unduly.""
"
"my acousticophobia stinks!
there's no cure, though i've seen seven shrinks.
any noise makes me jump
in the air like some chump,
but my twin (he's conjoined) hardly blinks.
"
"i was stabbed through the heart by an ackman
while sailing with actor gene hackman.
this maritime thug
then opined with a shrug:
""hell, you shoulda stayed home and played pac-man!""
"
"we should root out old words, i insist.
dated language would never be missed.
if a term's obsolete,
let's extirp it, toot sweet,
and extirp will be first on the list!
"
"the ambassador's quick rate of growth
caused a little king fan's angry oath:
""this strip is a rip-off!""
no, here is the tip-off:
one man was the author of both.
"
"part horatio alger in tone
and part dickens, this boy on his own,
bobby thatcher, displayed
the clean life he had made
for himself with strong morals alone.
"
"with a specialized comic, take heed:
what you need, if you're gonna succeed,
is a readership clearly
attached to you dearly,
a small and yet specialized breed.
"
"""my two columns broke well,"" said the chap
to his editor. ""hardly a gap
when my work went to press.""
said his editor, ""yes,
it's a shame that your writing's such crap.""
"
"barney google's diminutive size
stressed his famed ""goo-goo-googly eyes.""
though you might think it odd,
who went missing, by god,
from the strip? barney google! (surprise!)
"
"i agree that the plumage is great,
but that don't enter into it, mate!
it can not be disguised
that this bird is demised!
for a one-word description, try late!
"
"how i hate to break bulk in my store,
but that's just, after all, what we're for.
many items, like clocks,
may come twelve to the box,
but most folks will buy one and no more.
"
"unlike wrestling, pro boxing's no act.
heads were broken last night, that's a fact!
but by this i just mean
cuts and bruises were seen.
no one's skull had been actually cracked.
"
"it's a fack that i might date yer mother
or, assumin' he's free, yer big brother.
breaks no squares, no siree.
i ain't picky, y'see.
six a one, haff a dozen a t'other.
"
"i write puns that are painfully awful.
god has told me, ""my son, i won't waffle!
knock it off, or you know
you'll come back as a crow
when you die."" gee, i'd better be cawful!
"
"""utility!"" ""cutter!"" or ""canner!""
are three words you won't see on a banner
of a steakhouse that's new.
these are grades you would chew
in a totally different manner.
"
"the first trademark to have its own face,
selling pancakes all over the place,
aunt jemima was famed
until somebody claimed
that she wasn't that good for her race.
"
"this guy adam's a work-at-home dad.
 in what seems like a comic strip fad,
much humor is based
on him watching his waist.
not terrific, but not all that bad.
"
"though you might think the humor is thin,
tired jokes but with updates thrown in,
9 to 5 takes a cut
at the business world, but
with a 21st century spin.
"
"the three women of 9 chickweed lane
all live lives that are far from mundane.
these three generations
encourage flirtations.
(they often have sex on the brain.)
"
"as a strip, what sets 6 chix apart
is just who does the writing and art.
taking turns day by day
each of six has her say
serving humor and wit a la carte.
"
"if to matters high tech you're a slave,
you will likely enjoy the 5th wave.
in this strip you will share
intellectual fare,
though for dummies it's clearly a fave.
"
"a musician can't make playing pay
if he's shooting up drugs every day.
dirty habits will eat
into profits tout de suite.
he's just throwing his money away.
"
"on one day, the damn stork came to greet me
five times! now my worries defeat me.
since i'm poor, there's no doubt of
the fact that soon out of
house and home my quintuplets will eat me.
"
"as the waves ate away at the cliff,
cocaine ken consumed snort after sniff.
""if i fall to the sea
or the c, i will be
just as dead either way. what's the dif?""
"
"stan, a big archeology fan,
queries, ""answer me this if you can:
since we pulled the late og
late last week from a bog,
why the hell is he called early man?""
"
"when at sea, what can not be ignored?
biological hazards onboard.
or a hull breach?that too.
call code delta and you
(if you live) might just earn a reward.
"
"though the beatings sarge gives are severe,
there's one fact that is perfectly clear:
beetle bailey's whole cast
all exist in my past.
i knew each in my air force career.
"
"beau peep is a legionnaire dressed
for the desert. he fails every test.
he's a lovable goof,
and this strip is a spoof
of beau geste, as i'm sure you have guessed.
"
"the cartoonist is also the star
in a strip that is mildly bizarre.
it's the story of how
he wrote beardo and now
the cartoonist is also the star.
"
"""my neighbors are nuts!"" the preceding
may be true, but i doubt they're exceeding
the ballard street crowd.
you will laugh right out loud!
it's the funniest strip you're not reading.
"
"baldo suits the latino consumer,
but its quality's prompting a rumor:
the writing's so lame
it could lead folks to claim
that latinos have no sense of humor.
"
"if you've ever had kids, it's no news
that you possibly had baby blues.
if through colic and fights,
though, your kids are delights,
there's a comic that's sure to amuse.
"
"they play golf, eat in diners, and ski.
they write poetry, surf, drink chablis.
they use easels to paint.
clearly cavemen they ain't,
so then why is this strip called b.c.?
"
"aunty acid's a senior who's sassy.
her cynical tone can be brassy.
""i don't care who you are.
say a person's a car?
it's the motor that counts, not the chassis.""
"
"got an animal question? ask shagg.
if they print it, a shagg doll you'll bag.
they'll answer your query
correctly (in theory),
then finish you off with a gag.
"
"some call arlo and janis a gyp.
this young couple, not terribly hip,
is not sexy, good-looking,
or bold. so what's cooking?
sharp writing is what saves this strip.
"
"grampa bill entered medicine twice?
as a student at first, but no dice.
he dropped out, took up jazz,
then returned last week as
a cadaver delivered on ice.
"
"though death row's overcrowded today,
the electric chair causes delay.
with a sofa, however,
by pulling one lever
we could execute more straightaway.
"
"here's a list of the dances i know:
the watusi, the cotton-eyed joe,
the waltz, carioca,
fandango, and polka.
(six down and a million to go.)
"
"though not technically labeled as fowl,
there's a bird that's defined ""tawny owl.""
if your goal is to find
any background behind
the word billywix, throw in the towel.
"
"when my friend said he got a new hat
for his wife, i thought, ""you lucky rat!""
you see, try as i will,
i just don't have the skill
to arrange an exchange such as that.
"
"we'd made love in a field 'neath the moon,
and she whispered, ""i totally swoon
when you're loving me, chris.
no one moves me like this!""
man, i eat this stuff up with a spoon!
"
"life comes easy to me since i'm blonde
in that shade of which all men are fond.
i've got looks, i've got class,
and a dynamite ass,
and an honest-to-god magic wand.
"
"""iko iko,"" a dixie cups hit,
is a tune that i like quite a bit.
but then ""chapel of love""?
not again! lord above,
they should give it a rest, i submit.
"
"the walrus and carpenter's fun
had begun with a walk in the sun
with some oysters obtained.
later, no one complained
since they'd eaten up every last one.
"
"though her role as young helen took guts,
she succeeded, no ifs, ands, or buts.
but the patty duke show??
patty wants you to know
that a frankfurter won't drive her nuts.
"
"in hawaii, gramps lived in a tree.
he was naked, at peace, and rent free,
but the neighbors, repelled,
had the poor guy expelled:
a waikiki tree evictee.
"
"khaki jack was a magical yak.
with the allies about to turn back,
he downed messerschmitts, plus
froze all panzers and thus
broke the back of the german attack.
"
"""with a vicious left hook, dan was downed,
but his manager brought him around.""
upon hearing this, jeff,
who's increasingly deaf,
declared, ""booze at such times is unsound!""
"
"new faces sam sees as he passes
through halls on his first day of classes.
that means ""humankind,"" dudes,
and of course it includes
elbows, knees, shoulders, feet, tits, and asses.
"
"you've a private commitment, you two.
you've decided to live your lives through
sharing sorrows and bliss.
you'll externalize this
before family and friends with ""i do.""
"
"uninhibited, hearty, my wife
lives a lifestyle where passion is rife.
wine and song she prefers
to dead calm because hers
is an earthy enjoyment of life.
"
"i've got empleomania, see?
public office is where i must be.
to this goal i adhere,
and my message is clear:
vote for me! vote for me!! vote for meeeeeee!!!
"
"why do ads on tv often say
we need help to make smells go away?
""you're not safe, gals, unless
you use our fds""
(meaning ""feminine deodorant spray"").
"
"we go bowling for physical fitness,
but you're hounded by 7?10-splitness.
still, you made one last night,
though your wife says, ""yeah, right!""
she doubter?you bowler?i witness.
"
"expiration dates? here's what i do:
i ignore 'em, although some beef stew
gave me stomach distress.
the can warned, i confess:
""best when eaten before world war ii.""
"
"i don't dive into dumpsters, you fool,
in the same way you'd enter your pool.
eating scraps every day
folks like you throw away?
dumpster diving. my lifestyle's not cool.
"
"a civil war expert named barb
had some very harsh words for my garb:
""you're the worst grant i've seen!
first, your uniform's green?
and your wristwatch confirms you're a farb!""
"
"""clearly jazz clubs dementate our youth,""
claims the mayor, quite long in the tooth.
""those discordant refrains
cause destabilized brains.
kids today can't tell falsehoods from truth!""
"
"""the drunk tank's where boozers are jailed,
so how long till the fat cell's unveiled?""
that's my heavy friend, jeff.
""if dwf
becomes outlawed, i'll surely be nailed!""
"
"in the fax machine, ida had tried
to hide clues sergeant friday had spied.
""let me give you,"" she said,
today's emails instead.""
""just the fax, ma'am,"" he sternly replied.
"
"interracial relationships, bud,
can be risky and end with a thud.
diesel sweeties explores
an odd take on these wars:
pairing robots with hot flesh and blood.
"
"margaret wants me to visit her? great!
she's in london, and flying i hate.
plus i'm broke, so i'm pissed
that our sweet far-off tryst
won't occur till some long far-off date.
"
"ricky fambles in so many ways,
like ""buh-book"" and ""duh-duh-duh-duh-days.""
yet on stage every time
he performs as a mime,
people clap with their fambles in praise.
"
"though he never wins contests, don tries.
""how 'bout using an alternate s / i / z / e
for a word or some font
to achieve what i want?
might elaborateness earn me f*i*r*s*t p*r*i*z*e?""
"
"sir, you're reeking of vomit and wine.
please step out of the car. walk this line.
touch the tip of your nose.
this exam clearly shows
you're not drunk. your eupraxia's fine.
"
"a big-name performer like me
is in films and on stage and tv.
i'm well known, so you know
i might act in your show
for big bucks. you won't get me for free.
"
"the song ""dixie,"" all sources agree,
is as southern as southern can be.
yet a minstrel named dan
from ohio began
the south's anthem. from where? n.y.c.!
"
"a penguin that flies, called the bonytail,
with its ""tux"" wears a black and white ponytail.
one had chicks in manhattan
that hatched speaking latin.
(ok, this whole verse is a phony tale.)
"
"major anderson certainly tried
to protect all the soldiers inside
of fort sumter. while all
did survive that first brawl,
the salute as they left? two guys died.
"
"mathew brady took photos to tell
folks back home that it's true: war is hell.
he recorded the ends
of their husbands and friends,
sons and brothers, in death where they fell.
"
"we had entered the age of aquarius,
a beginning with promises various:
frequent sex, rock, and drugs,
lots of warm, fuzzy hugs,
and world leaders would all be gregarious.
"
"angel strumpets were furnished by zed.
 he had misunderstood what i'd said.
 my wife katy saw red!
 in that same flower bed
 now lies zed, six feet under and dead.
"
"""lover, when does church break?"" donald penned
in a note to his hot lady ""friend.""
she's the minister's spouse.
since they tryst at her house,
he keeps track of when services end.
"
"a cross-country waltz? that's insane!
yet jill's husband was part jack lalanne
matched with part fred astaire.
in the crisp autumn air,
danny danced her from texas to maine.
"
"one more strip about farm life? fantastic.
the problem? the set's inelastic.
the canadians say
that this strip is ok,
plus it helps that the livestock's sarcastic.
"
"a photographer constantly strives
to push for enlargements. this drives
many customers nuts
but, no ifs ands or buts,
on just wallet-sized no one survives.
"
"to the staff of the turnip society:
i'm not guilty of gross impropriety.
autumn turnips, you say,
can't be sown before may?
i've developed an early variety.
"
"clearly blue's clues my grandson enjoys
since it educates young girls and boys.
unlike most of kids' shows,
it is not one of those
where they only exist to sell toys.
"
"after abigail's line ""what's the news?""
dan's supposed to respond, ""i killed hughes,""
but the ignorant klutz
begins speaking at ""what's.""
he is all the time biting his cues.
"
"all-american boy, squeaky-clean,
that was fabian, fresh on the scene
in the '50s. he sought
more control so he bought
out his contract at only 18.
"
"don's doolally (that's stark, raving mad),
and he's part of this limerick fad.
he writes verses all day
in an anapest way.
(then again, is that really so bad?)
"
"when the portrait of grandma was viewed,
""i have tried to establish a mood,""
said the artist, ""serene,
where her love can be seen,
and so that's why she's posed in the nude.""
"
"the term bald-headed row, doncha know,
means up front in the very first row.
it was coined in the days
of myopic rou?s
in the world of burlesque long ago.
"
"richard gere and his brothers all staged
an event that was quickly front-paged:
""we will each of us wed,""
their announcement had said,
and thus all of the geres were engaged.
"
"a civilized soldier named derek
lived solo for years as a cleric.
he is not now espousing
his new army housing
because, as he says, ""it's bar-barrack.""
"
"a carpenter's scene, you will find,
is attention directing?the kind
where the action in front,
some neat eye-catching stunt,
masks a set change occurring behind.
"
"the dance of a honeybee shows
to her sisters some info she knows:
""here's the nectar i've found?
watch me waggle around,""
since a bee cannot shout, ""thar she blows!""
"
"if counting the box takes all night,
that's a sign that your play's done all right.
but, alas and alack,
if it's counting the rack
that's a chore, will you close? yes, you might.
"
"our chaser is titled ""so long,""
an appropriate sort of a song
when we're done with a play
and the crowd goes away.
""never leave"" would be totally wrong.
"
"the carriage trade tends to be posh,
since with buckets of bucks they're awash.
as a group they are hot
for the theatre a lot
and are oftentimes angels, by gosh.
"
"when it's clear that your play will not top
its competitors, ticket sales drop,
and the critics declare
that you stink, you're aware
what you've got is a bloomer (a flop).
"
"""are you decent?"" she called to the dude,
so his character traits he reviewed.
""i don't wallow in sin,""
he replied. she came in
and (of course) he was totally nude.
"
"""the breaks that are labeled missouri,""
claimed governor jesse ventura,
""are a part of my turf.
they're a bugger to surf,
taking loads of finesse and bravura.""
"
"mama broke off a small piece of chalk
from a large one: ""go draw on the walk,
but don't waste it."" a joke!
so i sneeringly spoke:
""with your jewelry, ma, you're one to talk!""
"
"""his bark is much worse than his bite""
can apply to a tree. yes, that's right!
bunji-bunji's its name.
irritation's its game.
chew its bark and ill health you'll invite.
"
"on the edge of disaster we stand
as pollution sweeps over our land.
every tree-hugger knows
our environment's woes
can be solved, but the time is at hand.
"
"""ladies' ear-scratcher!"" ""murderer!"" ""cheat!""
cried his foes, going down in defeat.
he put up with their jeers
for the 18+ years,
that he served in the seat of st. pete.
"
"a bird in the hand, it is said,
is worth two in the bush. i have read
in the past one might hope
that the office of pope
could be had for a bird on the head.
"
"thomas jefferson, sadly deceased,
once established a school in our east.
to take courses today
at his school (uva),
he would need a b average, at least.
"
"god, it's muggy! there's damp in the air.
i can tell by the state of my hair.
super-curly, no doubt
twenty inches straight out?
even blind people can't help but stare.
"
"stage managers often call ""clear!""
when the start of a play's drawing near.
those on stage know this call
means the time's come for all
of the stagehands to now disappear.
"
"said some moron, ""i live below maine.""
""if new hampshire's your home,"" i explain,
""you mean south, you dumb squirt!
below maine is just dirt!""
words misused this way drive me insane!
"
"when the bomb hit, some thought, ""she's a goner.""
her commander heaped praises upon her.
for her bravery she got
our top laurel. (it's not
the congressional medal of honor.)
"
"""you're a thief!"" screamed the cop on the beat?
made me empty my bag at his feet.
then he busted my ass
for eight ounces of grass
when i couldn't produce a receipt.
"
"closet dramas are different, it's said,
since they're not often staged but just read.
to enjoy one, don't go
to a theatre. oh, no.
find a nice comfy armchair instead.
"
"carl philipp emanuel bach
came from excellent musical stock.
his father and grampa
did nothing to hampa
his joining the tuneful bach flock.
"
"many lighting technicians aren't fond
of that blizzard head. wow, what a blonde!
her hair is so light,
if the lighting's not right,
""flares"" shoot out for a foot or beyond.
"
"""the exterior,"" dorothy declares,
""i am certain in no way compares
to an insider's view
in relationship to
any lions or tigers or bears.""
"
"the state fair will be open today
with prize hogs, cows, and goats on display.
there'll be carnival rides
and cheap munchies, besides:
see the world's largest corndog buffet!
"
"the computer fair hired a staff
to promote their new gear. what a laugh!
all the salespeople know
what you see at the show
will be old in a month and a half.
"
"all is fair, so they say, when at war
and your outfit is knee-deep in gore.
it's a catchy phrase, but
it's not true. this is what
the geneva convention is for.
"
"you say that your farm is the poorest?
that's only because you're a purist.
agritainment was born
with a maze through some corn.
now the big money crop is the tourist!
"
"some say slapstick is way overrated,
yet give me a bag that's inflated,
and this old rubber prop
will bring laughs without stop
when your head and my bladder are mated.
"
"going bald? then you'd better beware
of ""invisible"" treatments out there.
there's one scam where they say
their cream fades right away:
an evanishment into thin hair.
"
"jake likes fairness in government. why?
should you ask him, you'll get this reply:
""constitutions should be
well-adjusted,"" says he.
""you know me, i'm a eunomy guy.""
"
"being mere flesh and blood, and not steel,
he was broken, i read, on the wheel.
all the witnesses claimed
he'd been brutally maimed,
though that was, i suppose, the appeal.
"
"my head foreman just called to relate
that my cattle fell off. well, that's great.
""there's no cliff on my land.""
""no, you don't understand.
to fall off means the cows have lost weight.""
"
"""fall fashions? what's that all about?
it's a seasonal phrasing, no doubt?""
""yep,  it's what you would wear
in the brisk autumn air.
capes are in, while bikinis are out.""
"
"on the apron, the actor died badly,
far too close to the audience, sadly.
when the curtain then fell,
he was still to be well
in full view. they applauded him madly.
"
"what effrontery! tuesday at work,
bob, a brash, insignificant clerk,
had the face to opine
his brain's bigger than mine,
that repulsive, young, know-nothing jerk!
"
"the face of our city is clean,
and it shines with a luminous sheen.
the appearance presented
leaves tourists contented,
since slums we keep largely unseen.
"
"the word face can refer to cosmetics,
as in dealing with facial esthetics.
when anne ""puts on her face,""
she puts make-up in place.
it has nothing to do with prosthetics.
"
"""my boyfriend's (i'm warning you!) back,""
sang the angels, ""and bound to attack.""
but when all's said and done,
they had one #1.
for huge hits, they just hadn't the knack.
"
"why's my roof falling in? here's the answer:
dasher, donner, and cupid, and dancer,
comet, blitzen, and vixen
(it really needs fixin'),
and santa and rudolph and prancer.
"
"""more rain? lord, that's all that we need!""
every flood victim clearly agreed.
""stop this soggy attack.
let the waters fall back.""
(that's a term that's defined as ""recede."")
"
"arthur walked through the clart in the field.
what a clart, though they say he's well heeled.
""you sell clarts, doncha, art?
they're real nice!"" (that's just clart.)
on his shoes there were clarts unconcealed.
"
"""an eskimo curlew will fly
northern shorelines. they're rare, which is why
i believe we should get
one of these as a pet.""
""i'd prefer a nice eskimo pie.""
"
"three on offense? if one guy should meet 'em,
that's a three-on-one break. they should beat 'im.
that's how hockey is played.
but that one's unafraid?
a defender first grade? he'll defeat 'em!
"
"""my family is facing starvation!""
(take note of that end punctuation.
if a line can excite
or one's passions ignite,
what's the term when you write? exclamation!)
"
"as a spy, frank attracts no suspicion
with his easy, polite disposition.
under stress, he's at ease,
calm and cool as you please,
putting other spies out of commission.
"
"first she cries then she laughs then she cries,
on and on. this should be no surprise:
dacrygelosis will mean
to yvonne, who's a teen,
that she's not a big hit with the guys.
"
"start with calvin and hobbes (which was great),
then the number of children inflate.
make them older, a bit.
drop the tiger's sharp wit.
what results is a strip called big nate.
"
"jason's profligate ways are a joke.
he does not have the price of a coke.
and his debts? he has tons.
he's exhausted his funds.
he is penniless, destitute, broke!
"
"lemon-colored: you know from the name
means it's yellow. corn-colored: the same.
blood-colored means red,
like a gash in your head.
carrot-colored is nice, but won't rhyme.
"
"fairy godfathers don't like to boast
of their work when they're holding that post,
but in barnaby one
works to get the job done.
don't believe me? just ask gus the ghost.
"
"donna's hair was exceedingly fair,
unlike much of the clothing she'd wear.
this voluptuous blonde
was especially fond
of black headbands to set off her hair.
"
"it's a problem i've battled all winter.
it might be my toner or tinter.
with my email, oh please,
help me send out cc's,
since the carbons won't fit in my printer.
"
"rubbed the lamp and then said to the genie,
""i have only one wish: fettuccine!""
he brought pasta like that,*
noodles notably flat,
but too thin. ""hey! this stuff is linguine!""
"
"i had reckoned i could be ""the bard""
till my progress was suddenly marred
by shakespearience lacking.
my fans sent me packing.
at last i've succeeded: i'm barred.
"
"an out-of-work actor named stan
will play bongos whenever he can.
he will frequently say,
""if you're casting a play
with an antelope part, i'm your man!""
"
"""take effierce,"" said the synonym king,
""and one more with a similar ring:
it's enfierce with an 'n'.
'to make fierce,' they mean. then,
what's the difference, you ask? not a thing.""
"
"fettuccine alfredo? majestic!
whether made overseas or domestic,
it's creamy! it's cheesy!
though to make it is easy,
what's best is the name's anapestic!
"
"eighty men on the battlefield fell
and far more would soon die, you could tell.
what was gained with their blood?
a few acres of mud
and more proof of the phrase ""war is hell.""
"
"party favors that kids like to clutch
include puzzles, small gizmos, and such.
for adults, what you get
won't incur massive debt,
and so krugerrands? no, not so much.
"
"in a play that's entitled dog's dinner,
i'm identified thus: a beginner
(though my acting's brought cheers
for some 48 years).
curtain up! let us hope it's a winner!
"
"on my belfry is where i wear hats.
when i'm good, it's the place mommy pats.
though this word does mean ""head,""
it's most frequently said
when implying some person is bats.
"
"""external's defined as 'exterior,'?""
sister anne said again, growing wearier.
with the test scores not great
in her class, at this rate
she will never make mother superior.
"
"every day all the farmhands would stare
at charlene. all that crisp country air
and fresh food made her glow
(good clean livin', you know).
in appearance, she's comely and fair.
"
"easy living appeals to marie:
stately homes and big cars are both key.
i write limericks all day.
to make millions? no way!
she has clearly no interest in me.
"
"her main squeeze for three years had been joe,
but detachment was starting to show.
it was clear times were bad,
and grim tidings she had:
""joe, i'm sorry. i'm letting you go.""
"
"if a man falls a tree in a glen
(chops it down) where there's no other men,
would the tree make a sound
upon hitting the ground
if the fellow were deaf? (wow, how zen!)
"
"""night fell quickly,"" said sue to her beau.
""it was light just a moment ago.""
at the drive-in, the pair
had sought privacy where
they would soon be ignoring the show.
"
"from july through november, my aim
is to bag all the deer i can claim.
why those months? here's the reason:
it's deer hunting season,
the months when the deer is fair game.
"
"""ankylodactyly,"" nan wrote anonymously,
""is why midge can't move digits autonomously.""
can this web-fingered woe
be called syzygy? no,
use syndactyly (speaking synonymously).
"
"in the ocean, ""fall off!"" captain roared.
robert thought, ""is he out of his gourd?""
i'm sure he'll explain
with discussion profane,
after first pulling bob back on board.
"
"i asked my assistant to fetch a sketch
of a circle, instructing: ""don't stretch the sketch.
every point will then be
equidistant, you see,
from the center (unless drawn with an etch a sketch).""
"
"although married for 26 years,
she's now cheating on him, it appears
(in a shock unforeseen)
with a gal of 19!
he's astounded and breaks down in tears.
"
"the candy heart said ""u r hot,""
but another that reads ""i have got
a voracious temptation
for a wild assignation
with a middle-aged man""? probably not.
"
"two cows and a chicken inherit
a farm. (the idea has merit.
steve skelton, update us!
""the strip's on hiatus.
no income? i just couldn't bear it."")
"
"i'd invested in buggy whips. ""sadly,""
said my broker, ""your stock's doing badly.
your investment is gone.
eat your losses. move on.
like to get into porn?"" i said, ""gladly!""
"
"i retired. the gang said good luck,
while apparently thinking, ""you suck!""
a gold watch they had bought
was engraved with this thought:
""good riddance, you pompous old schmuck!""
"
"has a demonization left scars
on this put-upon leader of ours?
""he's hawaiian? no way!""
his attackers all say.
""dump that socialist devil from mars!""
"
"clara bow, as she puts on her sweater,
purrs softly, ""i've never had better.""
'round my finger she's curled
in my fantasy world.
(in real life? no, i never have met her.)
"
"when the comics would tend to be chaste,
brenda starr pushed the limits of taste.
this reporter had style
that stood out for a mile,
but all cleavage and navels? erased!
"
"""the city that's known as eternal
is rome,"" julie wrote in her journal.
""though the people are dear,
what's eternal, i fear,
is that traffic is truly infernal.""
"
"it's my job to be torturing men,
and i've told them again and again:
""you have no right to say
that i whip you all day.
we'll be breaking for tea around ten.""
"
"on a mile-and-a-half oval course,
a chicken was bounding. my source
can't believe what he sees.
he imagines that she's
clearly loco and thinks she's a horse.
"
"anne appeared in a fawn-colored gown
(that's a pleasing light yellowish brown).
if deer offspring, i think,
were a hot neon pink,
in that gown she would look like a clown.
"
"it's a mobster's young wife you're romancing,
so your kneecaps you clearly are chancing.
i think that you'll find
you'll be changing your mind.
to another tune soon you'll be dancing.
"
"tell me truly, did armstrong advance
by unethical means? not a chance!
did this cyclist use dope
even casually? nope!
(this is kristin i'm citing, not lance.)
"
"definitions for enginous?? neat!
first there's ""engine-like."" there, short and sweet,
though ""ingenious"" works too.
that's confusing to you?
hey, don't sweat it. they're both obsolete.
"
"what enravishes me? my fine wife?
no! with verse my existence is rife!
i love limericks and write
five-line gems to delight.
(some day soon i must get me a life.)
"
"""an enorthotrope! what could that be?
please explain these twelve letters to me.
i'm confused. i'm in doubt.
could you please help me out?""
""it's a thaumatrope."" ""ah! now i see.""
"
"on one side of a disk are two beers.
on the other's the single word ""cheers!""
spin the disk on a string?
what you've got is a thing
called a thaumatrope. watch what appears.
"
"code elope! here's a case of futility:
bruce checked out, so we've no culpability.
he'd been acting dejectedly,
then quite unexpectedly
the patient decamped the facility.
"
"i'd been warned, so i kept my eyes peeled
for his blooper. a homer would yield
a sure win for my team,
but the other extreme
was my blooper to short centerfield.
"
"surrounding my keyhole's a plate
made of brass. it is highly ornate.
my escutcheon, they say,
may show blots some dark day
by vile acts i won't care to relate.
"
"when louise broke her neck, they encased it
in a fiberglass cast when they braced it.
just for clarity's sake,
we say fracture or break
since dislocate suggests she misplaced it.
"
"said two teenagers, brett and annette,
""are we ready for marriage? you bet!
with a van, a pc,
and a big-screen tv,
and then, most of all, love, we're all set!""
"
"there is one thing i want you to know
and that's where definitions should go:
let each word defined be
in its limerick, you see,
and its meaning described there just so.
"
"i had downloaded baby makes three,
although chargeably so, i now see.
my last credit card bill
was a hard-to-take pill.
i thought stuff on the net was for free!
"
"""sometimes compounds break down,"" said marie.
""take your c2h4no3:
there's peroxide, you know,
c2h2, no,
and some heat. it's as clear as can be.""
"
"we'd prepared for a 50-mile hike.
""i've brought cashews and peanuts,"" said mike.
""also raisins and cheese
and some take-out (chinese).
is there anything else you would like?""
"
"the officials would not let me back
after leaving my homeland, iraq.
i'm an exile because
what my family does
is make bombs for the next sneak attack.
"
"mike to steve: ""you're the ace up my sleeve.""
""i'm your ace in the hole,"" replied steve.
""either way, you pitch great.
no one knows but?hey, wait,
you've a hole in your sleeve, i believe.""
"
"in the worst of political styles,
don's a fence sitter, offering smiles
to both antis and pros.
won't decide, heaven knows.
he deserves to get white picket piles.
"
"the fingers you've got on one hand,
those four guys and dave clark (an old band),
or the lines in this verse,
or the letters in curse
each add up to just five, understand?
"
"lift the edge of the carpet. what's there?
just a section of floor that is bare?
no, there's dirt that i've swept.
cleaning house? i'm inept,
but to tell you the truth, i don't care.
"
"the director said, ""please dance a two-step.""
paul udell thought, ""that's some sort of new step?""
it was novel, all right:
his attempt was a fright.
still, they named it for him: ""the p-u step.""
"
"this brief sentence: ""i'm dying,"" croaked herb.
is a croaker both short and superb.
it's a type of tom swifty
that still can be nifty
when based, for its zing, on a verb.
"
"want an a-list celeb? try tom cruise.
for the b-list, bill nye i would choose.
yogi berra's a c.
kathy griffin's a d.
as for me, i'd be down with the q's.
"
"dear pastor:

you ought to go tell
mrsrev, while i think you are swell,
you won't find peace of mind
in collection plates.

signed,
mrs-cheapskate-who'll-go-straight-to-hell
"
"there's a lake by the name of chargoggagogg-
(that's just the first portion.) manchauggagogg-
(though lake webster is used,
i say don't be confused.)
plus chaubun- and agun- (go whole hog!) gamaugg.
"
"kaye said, ""jennifer aniston's there!
ooh, what style! what a smile!"" ""what a pair!""
(that was me.) ""know what part
of that friend steals my heart?""
""let me guess?it's her ass."" ""no, her hair.""
"
"there once was a kid from my youth:
danny dentoid. (i swear it's the truth!)
so well named was this lad,
on his shoulder he had
a small birthmark the shape of a tooth.
"
"he's for a - n - t - i - (can't suppress him)
d - i - s - (he can spell though, god bless him)
then e - s - t - a -  b -
l - i - s - h - m - e -
n - t - a - r - i - a - n - i - s-m.
"
"true, the bible commands ""do not covet,""
but i can't say that i am above it.
like when mrs. gabor
and her servants next door
tan outside in the nude, i just love it!
"
"""dan, you're next. what are falls, if you please?""
""a perianth part ? that's a breeze.""
""and a perianth, moe?
what is that?"" ""i don't know.
ask again when we're up to the p's.""
"
"in my hand is your favor, my sweet,
and, good lord, is your handwriting neat!
(for worse or for better,
once favor meant ""letter,""
the kind that's become obsolete.)
"
"when it's math, i'm as sharp as can be.
outer space holds no mystery for me.
i speak french, greek, and dutch.
what i don't know? not much!
yet with dames, i'm completely at sea.
"
"amen is a word that is flung
in two different ways from the tongue.
it's ""ay-men"" when it's there
at the end of a prayer,
but more often ""ah-men"" when it's sung.
"
"though you know i'm reluctant to boast,
i am more influential than most.
when invited to dine,
status clearly is mine:
i will sit 'tween the salt and the host.
"
"every county fair booking contrived
to defeat him. he'd barely survived.
town to town, show to show?
now las vegas! you know
it's the big time at last. he's arrived!
"
"michelle's ball gown was light years from ""blah.""
when i caught it, i shouted, ""hurrah!""
even mitt might have said,
""she looks bitchin' in red,""
adding later: ""hot-cha-cha-cha-cha!""
"
"false colors we fly into port,
since the captain's a devious sort.
we're not yanks (ship or crew),
but the red, white and blue
on our mast all attacks should abort.
"
"an about-face is just what she's done.
as a bed-hopper second to none,
in her youth (way back when)
she had hundreds of men.
now she's married and faithful to one.
"
"surely even the fair cinderella
had the nasi that's named columella.
that's the small fleshy band
that 'tween nostrils will stand,
issued one to each lady and fella.
"
"etymologists reach their positions
by serving on language commissions.
any limericks they write
and submit to this site
i am sure will be welcome additions.
"
"""kate in billing (blonde, blue-eyed and stacked)
is now packing her things; she's been sacked.""
""that's just rumor! you know
gals like her aren't let go.""
""yes, they are, aamof.""
"
"an apology hereby i make.
i had misunderstood. (my mistake!)
when your thinking, domestical,
grows less anapestical,
come back. now you're only on break.
"
"the king's favor is easily won.
praise his reign; say it's second to none.
it is not all that hard
to secure his regard.
just be sure that you're born his first son.
"
"""esquivalience? no, that can't be!
my duties, my boss would agree,
i never would shirk.""
""this is not about work.
you're a plagiarist, sir. come with me!""
"
"words with deca- you can't misconstrue.
knowing greek will provide your first clue.
take decathlon. that's ten.
decaliters? again.
deca-cards? well, no, that's fifty-two.
"
"""mister chang has lost face, i heard said.
does that mean it fell off of his head?""
""no, it means, i submit,
his esteem took a hit.
he's depressed now, at home and in bed.""
"
"since the mets were so bad it was scary,
harry chiti was right to feel wary.
this poor catcher was shamed:
who's the guy not then named
to complete this sad trade? it was harry!
"
"i painted a tree trunk. my goal
was to puzzle my friends, on the whole.
with colors abundant,
my choice was redundant.
that bole, as a joke, is now bole.
"
"so your wife has three breasts? that's impressive!
and a lover as well? you're progressive!
your nose (no, don't hide it!)
has a twin there beside it.
all these things could be labeled accessive.
"
"""there had been a full moon on the even
dan died, leavin' hortense a-grievin'.""
yes, the word is archaic.
my writing's prosaic
and dull. it's a style i believe in.
"
"all people fall into three groups:
the first is those ignorant poops
who cannot count to three.
and the other, you see,
are the smart ones who can do so. (...oops!)
"
"biff's a beach bum (a figure of speech).
he's no hobo who lives at the beach.
it just means he will play
in the surf every day
and with any beach babe within reach.
"
"ensnared can mean ""caught in a snare.""
(well, there's certainly no surprise there.)
yet it also can be
metaphoric, you see,
like ""ensnared in a messy affair.""
"
"chicks and lambs that are soft to the touch,
pigs and cattle and horses and such
are all animals, clyde,
that on farms will reside.
but iguanas and moose? not so much.
"
"as a lover of words, i'm devout,
so, fast food?how did that come about?
though one's choices are vast,
any day that you fast
it is food that you're doing without.
"
"on may 2nd, the fall of berlin
made it clear that the allies would win,
but the war only stopped
when the atom bomb dropped
and the japanese also gave in.
"
"""what's your job?"" sarah wrote the new guy,
but ""fg off"" was his texted reply.
""well, how rude!"" sarah stewed.
i explained that the dude
was an officer sent here to fly.
"
"this project engages my time.
i spend hours on meter and rhyme.
my daughter protests,
and she even suggests
such a waste of my life is a crime.
"
"don's incompetent, crude, disrespectful,
and leaves hickies on gals by the neckful.
he's so feckless! now, lou
clearly knows what to do,
so then why don't they say that he's feckful?
"
"the sport bandy, to some, is sublime
when the players are all in their prime.
they must skate, deal with brawls
(players have to have balls,
though, of course, only one at a time).
"
"basilic means quite like a king,
like when ruling a kingdom's your thing,
or your countenance has
a fine royal pizzazz,
or perhaps you're just covered in bling.
"
"dissatisfaction? define it? no sweat!
let's attempt the most warped syntax yet:
when mick jagger was young,
in a song that he'd sung,
this was something he couldn't not get.
"
"ronald spit out his milk, ""this is skim!""
then stormed off. i asked, ""what's eating him?""
i was told he'd found out
what that rash was about:
he's got cancer. the outlook is grim.
"
"today's image of ""pedophile priest""
fits horatio alger, deceased.
what a shock! i feel sad
for his victims, yet glad
that we're rid of this horrible beast.
"
"horatio alger was thick!
""rag to riches,"" his dominant schtick,
said success could be had
by a hard-working lad.
his main character's name?  ""ragged dick""!
"
"my girlfriend, the one with the wattle,
tapped her pipe on the side of a bottle
to loosen the dottle,
saying, ""get me a pottle.""
(who will understand this? not a lot'll.)
"
"""on tv, all canned laughter,"" says chris,
""is annoying! let's give it a miss.""
but it's spreading, god knows!
now our internet prose
includes "" ; ) "" and there's "" :o) "" and then "" :-d "".
"
"this message was posted on twitter:
""a fall, three or four, from some critter
now lives 'neath my house.
each one squeaks like a mouse.""
(and by fall, what they're meaning is litter.)
"
"a fall's also known as a pin
if a wrestling ring you are in.
in the course of attack,
hold the other guy's back
to the mat for two seconds?you win.
"
"the word fall can mean what? that ain't right.
that's a load of b.s. are you tight?
step aside! lemme look.
huh! it's right in this book:
it's a family of woodcock in flight.
"
"the word fall can mean this: ""moral lapse.""
does your squeaky-clean image have gaps?
do you often bounce checks
when you pay to have sex?
will the voters forgive you? perhaps.
"
"euhemeristic describes your belief
that some general or indian chief
is the source of all gods.
with this view, i'm at odds.
that's not always the case, is my beef.
"
"on his lecturn, the teacher had banged:
""to be dancing on air,"" he harangued,
""means you're feeling great bliss!""
two years later, though, this
same expression applied: he was hanged.
"
"bud would bumfuzzle lou, we all heard,
with some names that were clearly absurd.
poor costello, confused,
felt by abbott abused:
""i'm not asking you who is on third!""
"
"her externals (those parts one can view)
are sublime. imperfections are few.
pretty figure, face, hair,
but inside? best beware?
she's a horrible, man-eating shrew.
"
"a new neighborhood park would be nice.
a discussion group might break the ice.
we could plan, at this start,
on a gym at its heart,
or might swings and a bike path suffice?
"
"well-laid plans, among human affairs,
have results that a man, with mice, shares.
they can aft gang agley,
a disaster for me.
when this happens to mice, though, who cares?
"
"our village was gone in a flash
'neath a 17-foot fall of ash.
the volcano has blown.
we have lost all we own.
please send doctors, food, water, and cash.
"
"thomas jefferson's jokes? they were whoppers!
but george washington's always were toppers.
still ol' george could be curt,
knowing humor can hurt:
""break no jests, please, concerning my choppers.""
"
"i am lost in the dimmening light.
every day's like the onset of night.
though the process is slow,
the time's coming, i know,
when i'll have to exist without sight.
"
"can you help me get out of a fix?
i've been caught with the bones of tom mix
in my meth lab where seen
with my lover (14)
and the spirit of '76.
"
"ping bodie, now 50 years dead,
is recalled for just one thing he said:
""i do not room with ruth,""
he remarked. ""it's the truth.
i just room with his suitcase instead.""
"
"don the oil baron takes a firm stance,
always willing to fight, break a lance,
'gainst his fossil fuel foes.
when he argues, god knows
not a windmill around stands a chance.
"
"""i will send you a five-spot,"" she wrote,
""for your birthday."" i smiled at gram's note.
it arrived the next day
and i'm sorry to say
that the chance that i'll spend it? remote!
"
"farmer johnson's no longer around
since his methods were clearly unsound.
a new fish farm he bought,
but it all came to naught
when the first time he plowed it he drowned.
"
"the slur margaret hamilton threw
meant a duel aaron burr would pursue.
she had threatened revenge
upon him and his frienj:
""i'll get you and your little cur, too!""
"
"philip favors the nra's views.
he thinks guns are just tools we should use
without limits in cars,
on the street, or in bars,
or in schools or while sitting in pews.
"
"she had entered the convent at ten
to begin a new life there and then.
not religious, per se,
cloistered life was her way
of avoiding all contact with men.
"
"""define cherry tree."" max, the class clown,
gave: ""an adjective first, then a noun.""
said his teacher, ""provide
more than that."" he replied,
""it's what washington didn't chop down.""
"
"said miss hall, ""etymologize press.""
at word backgrounds i stink, i confess.
""middle english, i'm guessin',""
i stammered, ""from pressen.""
she sneered and responded, ""nice guess.""
"
"a meticulous homeowner, herb
was out edging his lawn by the curb.
the result? a straight line,
which, i'm forced to opine,
looks impeccable, faultless, superb.
"
"""in the '70s,"" rhonda recalled,
""with 'the feathered look' all were enthralled.
layered cuts to our hair
gave it movement and flair.
i would wear it today but i'm bald.""
"
"a divorce judge's rulings provide
who gets assets and who is denied.
human nature, it's sad,
means we rarely have had
just agreements: those fair to each side.
"
"she was married to pepin the short
(who was tiny by any report).
though her height isn't known,
her known nicknames have shown
she had feet of a very odd sort.
"
"george ""the butcher"" palermo breaks wrists.
""i've established street cred with my fists.""
that's all over because
just last tuesday ""he"" was
diagnosed with ovarian cysts.
"
"was there hope he'd be kept? not a trace.
bob's face fell. he's departing this place.
though a robot, he's sad.
then the boss had to add,
""as you're leaving, please pick up your face.""
"
"though your letter's in one of these stacks,
my attention to detail is lax.
it's not interest i lack.
if i didn't write back,
i'm afraid it just fell through the cracks.
"
"""let me go to the flea market, please?
i have never seen places like these.""
she proceeded to make
a gross rookie mistake,
coming back with a big bag of fleas.
"
"to his wife, he'd been horribly rotten:
an affair with her mom he'd been plottin'.
he is now fnf:
""i've forgiven you, jeff,
but your actions will not be forgotten!""
"
"there's a woman who's limping, named meg,
who will favor, it's clear, her right leg.
what has caused her distress?
""just three things,"" she'll confess:
""little sleep, a fast car, and a keg.""
"
"margaret's femur broke just like an egg
in that crash, so she needs a new leg.
an old-fashioned replacement
was found in her basement.
now she's known by the name ""pegleg meg.""
"
"margaret hit a brick wall in her beemer,
and when hurt, god, that woman's a screamer:
""i have broken my leg!""
i said, ""balderdash, meg!
what you actually broke is your femur.""
"
"moths ate holes in our sweaters last spring.
(though that verb is correct, here's the thing:
with this multi-use word,
no digestion occurred.
that's just nonsense, like buffalo wing.)
"
"the scoutmaster, stern, had just spoken:
""fix the tent pegs."" we thought he was jokin'.
""put them into the ground,""
he had meant, we then found,
since there clearly were none of them broken.
"
"a performance of after the fall
made the news?someone broke the fourth wall!
a young thespian chose
to address the front rows
to the wonder and censure of all.
"
"jimi, janis, kurt, brian, and jim?
what connects them's decidedly grim.
""pigpen,"" amy, and more,
names you cannot ignore,
and now lana stands close to the rim.
"
"my fair name, my most valued possession,
is stain-free, but i have a confession:
a blemish or two
prompts a name that is new.
just this year i've had four in succession.
"
"the sticker said ""what's for dessert?""
i had fixed it at work to my shirt.
i'm a server. my boss
puts this message across
since suggestions like these never hurt.
"
"""in a cyber-relationship, chris,""
said my lover online, ""when we kiss,
i'm not touching your face.""
(we don't share the same space,
and a :^* doesn't bring the same bliss.)
"
"spank, my spaniel, is lovably clever.
bringing joy is her constant endeavor.
in return, she is pampered,
her frolics unhampered.
i'll cocker that cocker forever.
"
"when the play begins, that is, at rise,
those attending are rubbing their eyes.
though it's called rated g,
they're astounded to see
all the actors are naked. surprise!
"
"sybil smythe broke her blouse on a nail.
this huge rip makes her shriek and turn pale.
she'd gone braless that day.
with her breasts on display,
every eye turns her way (if it's male).
"
"abjure means ""renounce or forswear,
to forsake what is no longer there.""
it could be quite vital,
beliefs or a title,
or your passion for smokey the bear.
"
"there's the ape, ram, fry, boa, bee, cat,
ono, elk, cod, pug, pig, pen, and rat,
plus the ide, tom, auk, jay,
fly, ewe, tit, yak, fox, ray,
owl, dab, gar, hog, hen, emu, and bat.

then of course there's the tod, tui, kob,
ant, doe, gar, eft, kit, gib, dzo, eel, hob,
gnu, ass, dog, elo, sow,
pup, asp, bug, teg, and cow,
ayu, kid, koi, cub, kea, and cob.
"
"juliet was a down-and-out wino
with a face like a baby white rhino.
her complexion was light,
very fair, very white?
any fairer, she'd be an albino.
"
"what styles are in favor? let's see...
rubber sandals with socks to the knee.
bright suspenders might do.
velvet bell-bottoms, too.
i'm a doofus? well, why then ask me?
"
"since i don't see a way to compel him
to leave, i'll just say that i'll sell him.
i'll say slavery's back,
and it's time to go pack.
he'll eat up any lie that i tell him!
"
"with a sprinkling of freckles upon
your sweet favor (your face) i gaze on.
ah, your eyes, blue and bright,
and your nose, shaped just right!
how i yearn to be more than your john.
"
"he beat baltimore into submission?
no-hit them, a grand exhibition!
bo belinsky, reflective:
""i was always effective
with women in scoring position.""
"
"this hotel room is huge, but germs spoil it.
i won't sleep in that bed till you boil it!
though their hygiene's a mess,
""we're commodious!"" yes,
i agree that this place is a toilet.
"
"when my daughter would cry out in pain
from a fire ant bite, i'd explain
she was over-reacting.
soon i was attracting
those bastards?my speech was profane!
"
"lawman thomas was proud of this claim:
""we've had order restored since i came.""
all agreed that the marshal
was fair and impartial.
""unbiased"" was tom's middle name.
"
"a fine dinner for twenty demands
you make flatware a part of your plans.
i forgot. came the night,
though the food was just right,
we ate duck ? l'orange with our hands.
"
"your lifetime is finite. its finity
means that some day you'll meet your divinity.
time's a wastin'! see france!
play a sport! learn to dance!
write a symphony! lose your virginity!
"
"thanksgiving, i'm happy to hear,
will fall on a thursday this year.
it's been thus, as you know,
many years in a row,
although how that works out, i'm not clear.
"
"an exhaust fan is frequently sauced
with all sense of propriety lost.
he's the man in the stands
who stands waving his hands,
shouting, ""hip, hip, hooray for exhaust!""
"
"when it comes to the words we're despising,
one that's won an award is demising.
it's a word bosses use
to obscure or confuse
when ""you're fired!"" is what they're advising.
"
"i fell in with a crowd back at school
who objected to rules as a rule.
don't know why this was so,
but i left them, you know,
when i first figured out they weren't cool.
"
"a memorable date? well, not quite.
zero sex, though, conversely, no fight.
and the movie, i'd say,
was just barely ok?
all in all, a forgettable night.
"
"in a limerick strict form must prevail, or one's sense of what's right  you'll assail.
??????????what we're writing
???defines
???????????????????????????chosen words
??????????????????in five lines.
????????if it's
???????????f
?????????o
?????????r
????????m
????????l
????????e
???????s
????????s,
it's likely to fail.
"
"one rule that deserves strict adherence:
from pointy things, keep a safe clearance.
i avoid, in particular,
any object acicular
(""resembling a pin in appearance"").
"
"father-lasher! i'm sure i'm not erring
when i say that this fish ain't no herring.
to the sculpin allied,
out in europe it's spied.
(ha! i bet you had thought i was swearing!)
"
"lies would fall from the lips of my sally,
just like puke from some drunk in an alley.
she would swear she was true
(i could break her in two!)
?lies and lies far too many to tally.
"
"""why are firetrucks red?"" jeffery knows,
and the gag he's about to disclose:
with a smirk, he says, ""you
would be plenty red, too,
if all day people pulled on your hose!""
"
"her eyes fell to the ring in my hand,
then were filling with tears something grand.
""oh, yes! i will, mister!""
""no, this ring's for your sister.""
(well, that didn't go as i'd planned.)
"
"to the meaning of fourth, i'm assigning
two examples, the couple combining
in a way that is terse:
it's this line of this verse,
and the ""r"" of the word i'm defining.
"
"he had asked why they shouldn't be wed.
""ok, first off, you're lousy in bed.
plus my cooking's a joke,
add to that we're dead broke,
and then, fourthly, you're out of your head!""
"
"""this trial has gone straight by the book.
we've established this man is a crook.
he is guilty, indeed!""
and the jury agreed.
seven minutes was all that it took.
"
"watch these boxers?my god, what a pair!
first the little one's hit with a chair.
then the big one attacks
with a fireman's ax.
i suspect that he's not fighting fair.
"
"if it's budweiser light you revere,
then bud light is the name you will hear.
the new name underscores
an advantage that's yours
if your spelling's as weak as your beer.
"
"bright red suit, ample gut, big white beard
(slightly drunk, yet still highly revered)?
""watcha want, there, small fry?""
""peace on earth,"" i reply.
""hell, that's not my department,"" he sneered.
"
"sue's glum face isn't permanent, luckily.
for the most part, life treats her just duckily.
then her countenance shows
that she's happy. she glows,
and her voice is decidedly chuckily.
"
"the police, with some luck, will be booking
that jerk, and his goose they'll be cooking.
two ""poodles"" he sold me,
but nobody told me
that dogs are not known for their dooking.
"
"the adrenocorticotropic
hormone's this limerick's topic.
steroid hormones result
in the average adult.
(and my interest in this?  microscopic.)
"
"dan said, ""jane, you're an ignorant slut,""
and we cackled like i-don't-know-what!
then as ""allie"" (or kate?
don't recall as of late)
and as ""mary,"" her talent she'd strut.
"
"i delight when you say that i'm swell
and declare that my limericks could sell.
i could listen for days,
soaking in all your praise,
although cash would be welcome as well.
"
"""for my feminine aids,"" says katrina,
""the world is my shopping arena.
i get midol from maine,
send me pamprin, please, spain,
and it's dong quai for me, argentina.""
"
"a curtain raiser? one thing's for certain:
it is not the guy raising the curtain.
it's a short piece to go
just before the full show,
not connected but highly divertin'.
"
"though we're both speaking english, we two,
yours is british and odd in my view.
for example, i know
when i ask, ""did you crow
like a cock?"" you might say, ""yes, i crew.""
"
"creeping wintergreen grows where i dwell.
 it's an evergreen?minty as well.
 both the grouse and the fawn
 to its berries are drawn
 by the slight scent of toothpaste they smell.
"
"i called out to patricia, ""hey, fatty!
you're the beast that consumed cincinnati!
you should watch what you eat.
for a sweet no-fat treat,
would you care for a peppermint, patty?""
"
"one more goal we've no chance to achieve:
a new foal for our son's christmas eve:
no new colt's on the way
since our mare, sad to say,
broke service. (she failed to conceive.)
"
"plumber: please take this knife in my back out.
woman: no, there's too much of your crack out.
my objection's clearcut.
plumber: but... but... but... but...
woman: that's it precisely! [and blackout]
"
"""erythrophobia's madness!"" she said.
""things like blood drive me out of my head.
fond of stop signs? no way!
i wish cherries would stay
far away! i fear anything red.""
"
"when he told me my role, i said, ""back up!
don't think that today people crack up
at blackface routines.
racist humor demeans.
there is no way in hell i will black up.""
"
"anne announced, with a smirk on her face:
""doctor potts in the den with the mace!""
with our own rules, it's true
(we were playing ""strip clue""),
it was clear she had broken the case.
"
"while the artwork's not overly pretty,
and the dialog's not all that witty,
bobby make-believe's fame
can be guessed by his name:
he's pre-thurber, a child walter mitty.
"
"""rocky"" goldstein is certain to win
in his bout against ""bonecrusher"" flynn.
true, the latter's much bigger,
so how do i figger?
the fix, so they tell me, is in.
"
"there's a music composer named jeff
who writes songs for the partially deaf.
when fortissimo's too
large a word, what he'll do
is jot down the instruction ff.
"
"harding's father saw warren fall prey
to his friends. ""no's a word you can't say.
were you female,"" said he,
""you would constantly be,
without doubt, in a family way.""
"
"""her chic's on display in that gown.""
(when i heard that, i just had to frown.
i had thought, ""what the hell?""
but i now know full well
the word chic can be used as a noun.)
"
"""singing 'dixie'? there just ain't no quittin' it,""
said dan emmett, morosely admittin' it.
""could i only foresee
what a hit it would be
in the south, i would never have written it.""
"
"the news 'cross the airways was flashed:
""the sloop rose marie has been bashed
by the yacht on the prowl
when the two fell afoul.""
(that's a nautical term meaning ""crashed."")
"
"i had asked my sweet lover if she
could fix up a nice date, someone free,
for my closest friend, lou.
seems she's close to him, too.
now they're looking for someone for me.
"
"""i-20.............................................
 i-20..............................................
 b-4...............................................

 b-4...............................................
 if you missed it, once more:

 that's b-4....................................
 in the g's,

 47."" (god, please

 give me strength! calling bingo's a chore!)
"
"though the boredom involved is appalling,
and an error can send players brawling,
i'll announce, evermore,
""i-19"" and ""b-4""
since in bingo i've found my true calling.
"
"when i'm wanting to say ""do it right
the first time,"" but making it tight,
d-i-r-t-f-t
are the letters you'll see,
although read it as ""dirt-foot,"" you might.
"
"my ex-wife trashed my mattress last night
when she set it ablaze out of spite.
this falls under the heading
of ""crimes against bedding.""
in revenge i should set hers alight!
"
"all naked except for a turban,
belle's waving a bottle of bourbon
downtown. neighbors say
that beturbaned this way,
her behavior is greatly disturbin'.
"
"to her bedroom i quietly crept.
moonlight fell on her face as she slept.
when i stepped on her cat,
it was obvious that
as a burglar i'm wholly inept.
"
"i'll watch out ""for my girlfriend,"" louise,
always driving as safe as you please.
this campaign is a plea
called, for short, fmg,
or in my case (don't tell!) fmgs.
"
"""show no sense as you scurry about,""
called the crazy ant leader. ""no doubt
we were perfectly named.
now our goal's been proclaimed:
breed like mad and drive fire ants out!""
"
"tom attends all the basketball dances,
and to six-foot-tall girls makes advances.
there's a problem, though, see?
the guy stands four foot three,
so his height does not favor his chances.
"
"""hallelujah! i just learned tonight
that alright needn't cause us to fight.""
""are you certain? says who?""
""yes, exactly! it's true.
note their album: the kids are alright.""
"
"i gave three different women my heart?
married becky louise at the start,
and then anne and then tess.
i can't deal with the stress!
i've gone nuts! yes, i'm falling apart!
"
"""son, she lives on the bad edge of town,""
(meaning border) dad said with a frown.
""she's no good,"" mom agrees.
we're in love, no one sees.
they'll feel bad when the two of us drown.
"
"tonya gave me a token of love,
a favor, a porcelain dove
from a garter she wore.
the inscription it bore,
enigmatic, was: ""heaven's above.""
"
"i'm the property man for this play.
if a gun is not working ok
for a scene, it's preplanned:
i'll move stealthily and,
with a cover gun, fire away.
"
"bob's a chair warmer. every show
he will watch from the very front row,
but won't clap and won't laugh.
on the actors' behalf
i request: the next show? please don't go!
"
"by a eunuch in scotland i'm tutored:
""drink sparingly?never get blootered!
look at me. i once drank
till the whole world went blank.
when at last i came to i'd been neutered.""
"
"dismal failure, the foreman predicts.
""we've got nothing to build with but bricks.
lord, the goal is insane:
'build a workable plane'!
it's a problem with no easy fix.""
"
"the first of a farmer's firm rules:
don't be screwing around behind mules.
any man so dumb begs
for a kick 'tween his legs
and a loss of his family jewels.
"
"from the tightrope, mack suffered a fall
in a circus last year in st. paul.
this aerial star
hit the clowns' tiny car,
so the death toll was 20 in all.
"
"when syllable's said, use some skill
to ensure that the stress falls on syl,
since syl-la-ble won't work.
syl-la-ble?? no, you jerk,
and syl-la-ble?'s more bizarre still.
"
"the word fall has a meaning distinct:
""to be born."" if that's not too succinct,
i am here to affirm
it's an animal term,
and with lambs it is most often linked.
"
"there's this comedy bit, well rehearsed:
in a world of strange names we're immersed.
the first baseman, named who,
is a puzzle to lou.
""who's on second?"" ""no, no. who's on first!""
"
"though i'm left with two pawns and my king,
to my hopes for a win i still cling.
now the end game's begun,
odds are fifty to one.
(my defeat is a pretty sure thing.)
"
"an expert in all sorts of bread,
bob the baker was asked about thread:
""is the nylon preferred
overall, as i've heard?""
""not my bailiwick, sorry,"" he said.
"
"daring emily davison tried
to approach the king's horse in mid-ride.
""votes for women"" her sash
had proclaimed. in the crash
that resulted, the feminist died.
"
"with abhorfulness, dan's been accused,
of leaving his readers confused.
they can get words like fearfulness,
and certainly cheerfulness,
but abhorrence is what should be used.
"
"as a sports fan, i've gotta complain:
easy penalties give me a pain!
some guy died on that play,
but these refs only say:
""fifteen yards""? such a call is insane!
"
"he announced, ""i'm abigeus bob!""
it was true. he was named for his job:
rustling cattle away.
he was lynched one fine day
by a notably erudite mob.
"
"""three point one four one five's,"" said some guy,
""just the start. it goes on, which is why
if the digits we split,
it won't work, you'll admit.
no one gets a fair share of this ?.""
"
"i always place women above me.
i don't care how they push me or shove me.
besides money i spend
buying gifts without end,
nothing else seems to get them to love me.
"
"a blender's a wig with a band
for the forehead. it goes hand in hand
(when your make-up's in place)
with what's put on your face
and the band, so it blends. understand?
"
"the sharpest fanatic confesses
cain's the answer that nobody guesses:
who had taken the mound
the day eddie was crowned
as most famous of bill veeck's excesses?
"
"it's finocchio?give some a try!
as a spice, it's a very good buy.
it's like anise, not bland,
found in sausages, and
it will make your nose grow if you lie.
"
"invitations were sent near and far
to our church fair, billed: ""come as you are.""
these announcements were viewed
by some folks in the nude.
without doubt, our bazaar was bizarre.
"
"though the ""gaunt look"" has gained popularity,
in real life, thank god, it's a rarity.
one more often observes
winsome women with curves
instead of severe angularity.
"
"her performance was fair, but not great.
it might even be called second rate.
while her looks were appealing,
she was lacking in feeling.
i expect a lot more from a ""date.""
"
"a sandpaper bra?! what's the deal?
for just whom would this have an appeal?
those regarding men pests?
""get your hands off my breasts!""?
since the surface is rough to the feel.
"
"although death by a lightning bolt's rare,
there's a warning sign still, so beware:
just before you are struck,
when there's no time to duck,
an electrical feel in the air.
"
"""after ten years in jail,"" announced ben,
""it feels great to be free once again.
learned my lesson? hell, yes!
from now on my best guess
is i'll only sell drugs now and then.""
"
"""feel the floor, how it's hot to the touch.
note the flames and the sirens and such!""
though my lust was complete
in our honeymoon suite,
am i still feeling horny? not much.
"
"""i don't miss many meals,"" says maurice,
""in our country of undisturbed peace.
every war refugee
may feel hunger. not me.
i'm american, safe and obese.""
"
"""fall out!"" ? leave the barracks and then,
in formation with other like men
and women, we'll stand
till we hear this command:
""fall out!"" (hit the barracks again.)
"
"tobacco inspector dan hiller
broke a section and found little filler.
then the hogshead, they said,
rolled and crushed the man's head.
yes, tobacco, it's true, is a killer.
"
"i'm insane to a scary degree,
so the wildest of stunts fall to me.
for a prank that's supreme,
the famed painting the scream
will next month sport a small black goatee.
"
"true, my glasses are ugly as sin
and they're broken in half. still i grin.
once i fix them with tape,
they'll be back in fine shape.
i don't mind since the ""nerd look"" is in.
"
"with her lovers, my wife keeps in touch
via letters and phone calls and such.
""the first thirty-nine
weren't so bad,"" i'd opine,
""but this fortieth guy is too much!""
"
"taking fibers from hemp, from its core,
after retting: you break. for this chore
of pre-scotching, well suited
are rollers (they're fluted).
that's it. i can't say any more.
"
"says an irishman, feisty and terse:
""my gaelic is better; yours, worse.""
a belligerent scot
then responds, ""no, it's not!
you just don't know your arse from your erse!""
"
"""to give in to temptation, y'all,""
dan admits, ""my resistance is small.
let some sweet southern miss
come and offer a kiss,
and i swear this ol' dog's gonna fall.""
"
"take this brick: on the top it is flat.
on the side it's the same and that's that.
where they meet, i allege,
is what's known as the edge.
go put that in your bricklayer's hat!
"
"though they're forecasting grapefruit-sized hail,
we'll go out to deliver the mail.
there's no weather, they say,
that will get in our way.
we will fall to our work without fail.
"
"when i spotted the typo, i cursed,
""damn, this limerick is one of my worst!""
had i fixed it, it could
have been passably good.
i regret now not checking it fist.
"
"kate had sex for the very first time
at 18, which is hardly a crime.
yet her father, appalled
at her fall, sat and bawled
out of love that was truly sublime.
"
"chemoradiotherapy's great!
don't let cancerous death be your fate.
to strong drugs we will add
radiation (a tad)
and the tumor you have may abate.
"
"""my solution? each boss we'll dismiss,
throw hr down the deepest abyss,
ship our product worldwide?""
but the top dog replied,
""please, let's not boil the ocean with this.""
"
"our circus has come to death valley.
(dehydration is right up our alley.)
twenty clowns you will see
in a car?no a/c!
for a finish, that's quite a finale.
"
"a fizz, soda drinkers have found,
is a bubbly or soft hissing sound.
plus, i know you can hear
something sim'lar in beer
from the oceans of both i have downed.
"
"if a soda is said to have fizz,
effervescence is just what that is.
when your pop has no bubbles,
that's sure to cause troubles,
i fear, in your beverage biz.
"
"want to keep those who lead us in view?
i'd say c-span's the channel for you.
hear your congressmen speak,
give the senate a peek,
plus conventions and funerals, too.
"
"mayor smith, once respected by all,
had a string of affairs in town hall.
now he's hated instead.
voters call for his head.
there's no doubt that he's in for a fall.
"
"an ethologist fervently hates
seeing beasts in unnatural states.
he might study gazelles
where that animal dwells,
but not chimps in tuxedos on skates.
"
"a full year to the day i was hired,
my first full decryption transpired.
the message i broke,
sad to say, was no joke.
just three words from my boss: ""chris, you're fired.""
"
"to the cop, kinky kate is explaining
she enjoys making love while it's raining.
""though my neighbors have fits,
i just smile,"" she admits.
""their reactions i find entertaining!""
"
"when the captain announced, ""please don't panic,""
we were halfway across the atlantic.
there was something amiss
so i told myself, ""this
is the last time i sail the titanic!""
"
"""i have written a tune, 'santa, sleigh it,'
for the stage. they want you to ok it.
i insist: do not change it.""
""i'll only arrange it
to allow twelve musicians to play it.""
"
"shall i ever forget him? i shan't!
my dear pet, named immanuel kant,
was my true, one and only
best friend. now i'm lonely.
i still feel the loss of my ant.
"
"""ferroequinologists? never!"" cried lulu.
""to date one's a serious boo-boo.
when a man is with me,
i'm insulted should he
prefer spending his time with a choo-choo!""
"
"now, a feel's not the same as a look,
and a grope (let's be honest) i took.
who could tell i'd provoke
that response to my joke?
man, that gal has a wicked left hook!
"
"when the lifeboats are lowered, one calls
on equipment that's known as the falls.
i'd prefer, incidentally,
the name sets down gently
considering the cargo it hauls.
"
"the fig newton no longer exists.
they're now newtons, nabisco insists.
sadly, fig has the sound
of ""old fogey,"" they found,
which today's young consumer resists.
"
"high-priced model denise has a shape
at which normal-sized women just gape.
""here's what lunch means to me:
a spaghetto, some tea,
and then maybe dessert, half a grape.
"
"there's a bowyer, a real gloomy gus,
who does not see his job as a plus.
""it's just bows i make here.
for the rest of your gear,
may i recommend arrows r us.""
"
"oh, that idiot genie of mine
said, ""one wish and you're off to cloud nine.""
""what's my wish? transformation?
full divinization,""
then *poof!* now i'm andy devine!
"
"the word forceps means nothing to me
but ""a pincer-like instrument,"" see?
it can grasp or clamp shut,
or be left in your gut
by a surgeon for quite a high fee.
"
"each maternity ward needs a star,
one whose skills and whose wit take him far.
ours employs an ob,
juan kenobi. says he:
""may the forceps be with you."" (har, har!)
"
"""feel this fabric,"" she said. ""be my guest.
it's so soft to the touch. it's the best!""
still, i could not believe
that she offered her sleeve.
(it was equally soft on her breast.)
"
"disassembly: the taking apart
of, for instance, an engine. if smart,
you'll let artisans do it.
while there's not that much to it,
re-assembly? now, that is an art.
"
"when i'm fasting, i do so severely
(once or twice is enough, thank you, yearly):
only tea and brown rice.
do i, by this device,
give an edge to my appetite? clearly!
"
"pyrotechnics in colors so bright
light the sky on a warm summer's night:
pinwheels, starbursts galore,
flares and fountains and more.
every fourth of july's quite a sight.
"
"all reports say her acting was fine.
she was young and her looks were divine,
but her fame's sadly flown,
because now she's just known
for her jump from the hollywood sign.
"
"i am scraping and pounding a skin
to soften the fibers within.
clearly, make no mistake,
i could use the word break,
since that term is distinctly akin.
"
"there's a cold-air balloon, some cartoon,
you may see on a bright afternoon
in november, but note:
it's attached to a float
in a macy's parade?a falloon.
"
"arsenic hour: that time after school
and one's workday is done. as a rule
life's a madhouse! you quake,
and there's dinner to make.
it's not easy maintaining your cool.
"
"you should write what you know, they all say,
so beelzebub jones, in its day,
put these words to a test.
it's about the wild west,
but then where was it from? the uk!
"
"children, devilism (worship of devils)
is a cause where beelzebub revels.
it involves every sin
sucking young people in.
it's so wrong and on so many levels.
"
"though my hair is a glorious red,
""you will wear a black back-piece,"" he said.
it won't do to object
to this two-tone effect.
(it's a wig for the back of the head.)
"
"""though not always the case,"" explained matt,
""it's ironic his humor's called 'scat.'
drugs are also a cause
of his readers' applause.""
(he's referring to fat freddy's cat.)
"
"lemuel settles some short people's brawls
when a (fictional) peace he installs.
people tend to know what
lilliputian means, but
blefuscudian no one recalls.
"
"i make arrows. like cupid a fletcher,
i've used them 'cause, yes, i'm a lecher.
but do gals share my views?
check the 10 o'clock news.
you'll see three of them, each on a stretcher.
"
"on tv, we can see marcia brady
is prim, every inch the young lady.
""every other inch"" might
fit the actress just right
since her past, she confesses, is shady.
"
"edward albee showed what he was made of
by writing an unequaled grade of
illusion and malice
as in tiny alice,
not to mention v. woolf, who's afraid of?
"
"rowan atkinson's clearly a dean
of great wit in the land of the queen.
lots of laughs, always fun,
some say second to none,
as a has-bean, he'll never be seen.
"
"firsthand knowledge is crucial in war.
that's what spies are essentially for.
""al told kate who told mike
who told max,"" and the like,
will yield info you're wise to ignore.
"
"""bear in mind when the pain's at its peak,
you must bear up, be brave, dominique.""
it is here dr. brown
tells my wife to bear down
till her labor bears fruit, so to speak.
"
"this limerick's not one of my best
there are some problems that must be adressed.
they are fixable, though,
and i want you to know
perfect writing's forever my quest.
"
"wet cement takes two hours to fix,
so just sit there, an' none o' yer tricks!
while you're tied to that chair,
breathe that fresh ocean air
till your traitorous ass we deep-six.
"
"lucy's lover was shot through the head
by her husband last night in their bed.
it was fortunately monday.
had this happened on sunday,
it would have been me lying dead!
"
"it was tsar alexander iii
(i believe) who cried out, ""that's absurd!
what impossible rot!""
""i agree,"" said the scot.
""that's the strangest thing i've ever heard.""
"
"crooked gamblers had fixed the first play
i appeared in, i'm sorry to say.
it was clear at the end
a new ending was penned
when rhett butler said, ""ok, i'll stay.""
"
"backstage at the play fleshy festus,
a manager hollered, ""asbestos
going up!"" holy cow!
just five minutes from now
we begin (which is why he'd addressed us).
"
"to engage a shy woman in chat,
don't get personal right off the bat.
if a buddy suggests
you try grabbing her breasts
to begin things, hell no. none of that!
"
"loaves of bread, jugs of vino, and thou
are the only things needed, i vow.
we will enter that place,
an abandoned disgrace,
and move in, if the ghosts will allow.
"
"i engaged my melissa to marry,
pledging likewise to anne and to teri.
will our wedding dates be
(4 september, all three)
an event to remember? yes, very!
"
"if you're poor, you might be in receipt
of some food stamps to buy things to eat.
they are government aid
so that stores can be paid.
(they are not what you use to mail meat.)
"
"eyebrow pencils can make your brows darker
and heavy or arching and starker.
black or brown's not your hue?
tell you what you can do:
trade them in for a green magic marker.
"
"the 2,000 shares that i've got
(smith-corona) aren't doing so hot.
it should come as no shock
that the typewriter stock
i've held onto has fallen a lot.
"
"my petite marguerite, my adored,
has a temper that can't be ignored.
off my feet she once knocked me.
it totally shocked me:
when she floored me, good lord, i was floored!
"
"as ye sow, robert, so shall ye reap.
what goes 'round will return in a heap.
if you live your life, bob,
as a do-nothing slob,
don't expect to attract meryl streep.
"
"all my porn! she had threatened to heave it.
i went down to the trash to retrieve it.
with revenge on my mind
of the nastiest kind,
i'll fix her, boy. you'd better believe it!
"
"we're engaging the enemy forces
in battle, an act that of course is
where danger abounds.
though despite how it sounds,
these engagements won't end in divorces.
"
"the fall of your government means
that your currency isn't worth beans.
also crime will loom large,
and the army's in charge,
among other assorted bad scenes.
"
"the embrace was romantic and tight,
which explains why it led to a fight.
my wife caught us, alas,
and my ass now is grass.
man, the fireworks lasted all night!
"
"??when???you??dine,
??it??is ????vital???you
??know???how???one
??uses??each??tool
??l?i?k?e??a pro.??don't
eat meat with your hands.
??any fool understands
???????that
??????your
??????fork
??????isn't
?????there
??????just
???????for
?????show.
"
"did a caner hit things with a cane
as a 9-to-5 job? that's insane!
no, it's canes that he made
just for sale or for trade.
not a bad line of work, in the main.
"
"""you're a caper, so what do you do?
you make capes?"" ""well, nice guess, but not true.
it is caps that i make.""
is that name a mistake?
i'd use capper instead, wouldn't you?
"
"""i'm a cart wheeler,"" dora would say,
""making wheels for large carts every day.
what's my primary gripe?
guys who think i'm the type
where my underwear's put on display.""
"
"a carter was one of those chaps
who'd be driving a cart full of scraps,
or some harvested crops
to be sold in the shops,
like a large load of peanuts, perhaps.
"
"a ceiler, it tells me right here,
puts up ceilings, since that's his career.
but a cellarman is
not a similar biz.
he looks after wines, spirits, and beer.
"
"need your wig replaced? here's what you do:
call a good chiffonier near to you.
he'll supply you with hair,
but when choosing take care,
since that word can mean ""ragpicker,"" too.
"
"there's a bar that's devoted to singles
employed in one job. a guy mingles
under lights that are dim
just with chinglors like him,
meaning roofers who work with wood shingles.
"
"the clapman (town crier) has flaws,
but then everyone has them because
we're all human. i say
we should make this man's day.
let's all give him a round of applause.
"
"a clogger's a man you would meet
to make shoes made of wood for your feet.
running marathons? no,
somewhere else you would go,
since your feet you don't want to mistreat.
"
"collar makers made collars for horses,
a definition my teacher endorses,
""but they made them for shirts
sometimes, too,"" he asserts.
""that's depending on just what your source is.""
"
"rumor had it my wife, in demand
as our city's premier one-night-stand,
was a slut. now i grieve
since you wouldn't believe
what i saw from our closet first hand.
"
"it was one of my happiest nights,
and the bliss in my heart reached new heights:
""i feel joy! it's so good!""
this was misunderstood
by joy's husband, who punched out my lights.
"
"""boccaccio's tales,"" cried tadd dameron,
""are the bawdiest since the hexameron!
but no movie was made,""
as he wrote, i'm afraid:
""what a shame no one there turned decameron.""
"
"britney spears sent this email to me:
""chris, you're all that a lover should be!""
(the above 15 words
are, of course, for the birds,
just the dream of a guy, 63.)
"
"billy's rest is eternal. his doom
means he's ""sleeping"" for good in his tomb.
for those choosing cremation,
the fit appellation?
try cookout (well done, i presume).
"
"let's speak of the philippine peso.
i'm feeling quite clever today, so
i've hidden its sign
in a limerick line.
is it findable? ye?, i would say so.
"
"to abhor's to deplore even more,
more hard-core than you've hated before,
like an eyesore, a whore,
or a meaningless war,
though what i most abhor is a bore.
"
"down from eight bucks to five, and now three,
t-bone steaks are as cheap as can be.
falls in prices may mean
less than gourmet cuisine.
still, it's better than chef boyardee.
"
"gently falling, jack saw, was the hill
on which both he and jill took a spill.
but the thing i can't tell
is the reason the well
had been dug at the top of the hill.
"
"bridget's hair falls to well past her knees,
which is why she won't walk in a breeze
till it's tied in a bun,
since she finds it no fun
getting caught in the bushes and trees.
"
"as a bedman, tom's work had won raves
not for ways he made women his slaves
in the bedroom. oh, no.
he was known as a pro
in one specialized field: digging graves.
"
"a beeskepmaker's primary chore
was the making of beehives galore.
i assume this would please
people working with bees,
though i wonder what hairstyle they wore.
"
"i replace every key as it yellows.
i'm one of those handyman fellows
who's paid to maintain
the church organ. it's plain
i'm not tending to acres of bellows.
"
"a besswarden's tasking, historically,
is to look after beasts. categorically,
however, jeff minds
just the four-legged kinds.
""parish kids are just beasts metaphorically.""
"
"tony failed at his latest endeavor
when he set himself up as a bever.
he invented a drink
made from dust. most folks think:
""what the hell? i'm more thirsty than ever!""
"
"a bladesmith made weapons of gore:
things like sabres and daggers and more.
should you ask him one day
for fresh fruit, he might say,
""we've got none of that here. try next door.""
"
"bloomers work to take iron from ore,
a relentlessly strenuous chore.
when you speak with these folks,
please, no underwear jokes,
or you'll soon find yourself on the floor.
"
"the job title bobber denotes
you're employed taking fish off of boats.
on the other hand, bub,
maybe metals you rub
so your work a fine luster promotes.
"
"""what's a bolter?"" you ask? ""what's the deal?
did he bolt things of iron or steel?""
not at all. he (or she)
had this job: oversee
all the sifting of flour or meal.
"
"a boonmaster's job: to survey
a town's roads and ensure they're okay.
he is also in charge
of repairs, small or large,
so a pothole won't ruin your day.
"
"said the boot closer's mom, ""my son faces
critiques in a number of places,
but without his fine work,
you would just be some jerk
with some leather strips, heels and two laces.""
"
"if you weren't, as they say, a big spender,
but had gone on a riotous bender
and had torn up your clothes,
you might need, heaven knows,
a good botcher (a patcher or mender).
"
"i'm a bottle boy. no, i don't drink!
that's my job, but it's not what you'd think.
there's a pharmacist here
i assist. my career
is to help him keep folks in the pink.
"
"""i work only with metals that shine,""
said the brightsmith. ""the preference is mine.
brass and copper and tin
all glow bright from within,
but dull iron does not shine so fine.""
"
"hey there, broom squire, make me a broom!
make it small since i don't have much room.
selling whisk brooms like mad,
you undoubtedly add
to the global broom boom, i assume.
"
"""using logic,"" my uncle ned fumes,
""there are broom-dashers (dealers in brooms),
so there must be broom-dancers
and -vixens and -prancers,
broom-rudolphs and more, one assumes.""
"
"a lady-in-waiting, or burmaiden,
might be better described as a hermaiden.
then again, if her deeds
deal with men's ""special needs,""
one might easily call her a sirmaiden.
"
"a butner made buttons (that's it) ?
just the kind on your clothes, i submit.
but for buttons like those
to launch rockets, god knows,
these old workers were wholly unfit.
"
"""for shame, caddy butcher! they say
you sell horsemeat in here every day.
what has happened to you?
can these rumors be true?""
but the butcher just frowned and said, ""neigh!""
"
"""a calendarer's someone who lists,
but a calenderer,"" michael insists,
""works with paper or cloth!""
mike will frequently froth
at the mouth as he clenches his fists.
"
"a collegeman labored all day
on a college to garner his pay.
since that term, by and large,
meant ""a flat-bottomed barge,""
no degree was required, i'd say.
"
"james, a cratch maker, proudly proclaims
that he's always a hit with the dames.
""i make cratches, you see.""
""and just what might those be?""
""don't you know? they're cribs, mangers, or frames.""
"
"dick the damster builds dams (hence the name)
for the logging profession. his claim:
""clearly, this dam achiever
outdams any beaver
as i have since the first day i came.""
"
"a drover drove cattle or sheep,
but if you had humans to keep,
it's a driver you were.
i bet most would concur
in that case you were clearly a [bleep!].
"
"a dragsman, atop a fast steed,
would cut bags from a coach then recede.
were you driving that coach,
you'd not hear his approach.
rearview mirrors are what you would need.
"
"""hey, donkey boy!"" george bernard shaw
called me over to pick up his maw
in my carriage. then she
paid me ten times my fee,
so the joke is on him now?he-haw!
"
"i'm a dredgerman. here in my boat
i retrieve any crap that may float
that some other boat lost.
i gain goods at no cost
that i then sell in town, you will note.
"
"he's a dripping man? what could that be?
a collector of dripping, you see.
he would pick up the fat
from cooked meats and that's that.
he did not have some strange std.
"
"i'm sorry, i have a subpoena
for ebonite turner regina.
from that stuff, she creates
things like combs for her mates.
(no relation to ike or to tina.)
"
"if you've got a weak ticker, beware,
and when shovelling snow, do take care.
i just finished my drive;
now i'm scarcely alive.
the whole process was rough, a real bear.
"
"amber cutters cut amber, you'd guess?
i would guess just the same, i confess.
we would both be wrong, but
what they actually cut?
any ambergris they might possess.
"
"i forged checks, but was caught by some bankers.
with this background, i now work for tankers
as an anchorsmith. true!
do you know what i do?
i'm a maker or forger of anchors.
"
"to the ranch boss the cowboys had pleaded
that a new ankle beater was needed.
""on a cattle drive, he
should assist,"" was their plea,
""without getting his young ass stampeded.""
"
"an adept aquafortist named dave
using acid would etch and engrave.
one foul day, a mishap
saw some splashed in his lap.
he survived, though?a very close shave.
"
"an arkwright made arks (meaning chests?
the kind not related to breasts).
that is all they would do.
you claim you noah few?
no, ignore what that title suggests.
"
"a backmaker used to make backs.
now, before any critic attacks
and declares he wants more,
added info's in store:
a back was a tub, so relax.
"
"i'm a badger. the badge that you see
on my coat has a capital ""p""
(that's for pauper) which means
that i haven't got beans,
but i'm licensed to beg by decree.
"
"badgy fiddlers had, back in the day,
a neat job that has since died away.
they'd play tunes for the army,
though the job title's barmy.
it was trumpets the boys used to play.
"
"bows and arrows in england were hot,
and if ever you had to be shot,
what you clearly would need
was a balister. he'd
use a crossbow as likely as not.
"
"ballad mongers once roamed city streets
hawking musical wares: printed sheets
filled with ballads and such.
and the pay? not so much.
for this job today, no one competes.
"
"when i called her a fish fag, she cried
till the following truth i supplied:
""it is fish that you sell,
and you're female as well,""
so i hadn't in any way lied.
"
"the filibuster sailed to cancun
as a ""make-war-for-profit"" tycoon.
local thugs from the hood
kicked his ass there, but good.
he won't try again anytime soon.
"
"what's a fear nothing maker? a weaver
with a mission, a real eager beaver,
to make fearnoughts of wool
to protect you. no bull!
once one saves you, you'll be a believer.
"
"frank the fagetter (firewood seller)
lives a life you might not see as stellar.
still, his wife loves him dearly.
kids are perfect (well, nearly).
all in all, he's a most happy feller.
"
"a buddleboy washes the ore
in a lead or a tin mine. what's more,
he maintains all the vats
for top management. that's,
in few words, what a buddleboy's for.
"
"long ago, a bank manager hounded
his miners. this warning he sounded:
""at this pit i'm in charge
of each cage, by and large.""
(dreams of dealing with cash were unfounded.)
"
"you've found love on the internet? great!
and you're gonna connect? fix a date.
be precise. don't just say,
""we should meet some fine day.""
try: ""luigi's, tomorrow, at eight.""
"
"""d.c. bound, we'll be leaving today,""
said abe lincoln, ""but fido must stay.""
warm of heart, cold of nose,
he'd be missed, i suppose.
later on he became a cliche.
"
"would bunji have made a display
of its characters, back in the day,
using drugs, landscape trashing,
or blackfella bashing?
no way that would happen, i'd say.
"
"an amber &amp; jet cutter works
at a job that's the envy of clerks,
cutting both so that they
may be jewelry some day.
(petty theft is just one of the perks.)
"
"sturdy fencing completely surrounds
all the kennels i keep on my grounds.
every hunter concedes
i have got what he needs.
i'm a fewterer?keeper of hounds.
"
"our delivery men are undaunted
by spirits. their courage is vaunted.
one delivered a fridge
across emily's bridge,
this in spite of the fact it was haunted.
"
"there's ahhhhh and there's aaaaah.  what's the diff?
i'd say ahhhhh is appropriate if
i am watching a slow,
sultry striptease, although
i'd use aaaaah!! if i fell off a cliff.
"
"in the states, our filleted is ""fih-laid,""
while it's ""fill-uh-tuhd"" when it's uk'ed.
what's the difference? well,
there is none we can tell
to the fish who comes under the blade.
"
"i'm a bird boy, employed, i confess,
to scare birds from these cornfields, and, yes,
it's a no-status job.
i'm engaged by some slob
who's too cheap to use scarecrows, i guess.
"
"a man ten feet tall? holy smokes!
the renowned cardiff giant gave folks
of a biblical bent
solid proof, heaven sent.
(such a pity the stiff was a hoax.)
"
"i can burp every country in asia!
it's a party trick sure to amaze ya.
as i'm sure you're aware,
i must first swallow air,
a technique that is called aerophagia.
"
"from tampa way up to seattle, a
guy like me travels to battle a
wrong that is done
to our favorite hun.
when you mention him, please call him attila.
"
"her artwork was splotchy and splattery
and didn't inspire much flattery,
so she tossed out her hairbrush
and switched to an airbrush
that ran on an alkaline battery.
"
"sudden death! with a number one wood,
danny hit the ball hard as he could.
it went all of three feet.
now his failure's complete
with all chances to win gone for good.
"
"it was clear i had broken her heart
when i told her i had to depart.
although causing depression,
that's just an expression.
she's strong as a horse, for a start.
"
"keeping firearms out of our schools
should be one of our most basic rules.
sadly, some people say
schoolhouse arms are ok?
mostly gun nuts and nra fools.
"
"a ufo grabbed me last year?
for a medical study, it's clear.
a strange alien doc
with a probe gave a shock
when he entered it into my ear.
"
"there's a lamp that stands next to my bunk
that fell over to land with a clunk!
it was upright before.
now it's flat on the floor.
(i've an uncle like that when he's drunk.)
"
"i've engaged your great-grandfather's stein
for your fifty-buck loan, so don't whine.
when the note becomes due
just repay me, then you
get it back, but if not it's all mine.
"
"the instructor had said, ""edge your skis.""
i'm confused by instructions like these.
next time, why not just say,
""you should tilt them this way
to bite into the snow better,"" please?
"
"true, the great roman empire fell.
and before, the egyptian as well.
the famed glories of greece,
after time, had to cease.
the us, though? it's too soon to tell.
"
"jack and jill, sadly, fell down a fall,
though that word's not familiar to all.
falling under its scope
is ""descent"" or ""a slope,""
though its use in this way is quite small.
"
"my lawn is a major disgrace,
what with car parts in every spare space.
my home's ugly as sin,
with the roof caving in.
scream my neighbors: ""please fix up your place!""
"
"i've just purchased a cage for my finch.
is there room for a mate? that's a cinch!
it could hold three or four,
even twenty-five more
if it had to, i mean, in a pinch.
"
"gary dahl gave the world the pet rock.
my initial response? ""what a crock!""
still, today what i'm writing
i feel bears reciting,
so his silly feat i can't knock.
"
"""in the salt mines,"" said cheshireman walt,
""if a sack should be found leaking salt,
every man was the same:
there'd be women to blame.
they'd assume ""it's the bag stitcher's fault.""
"
"at gettysburg, lee's main concern,
as our civil war history we learn,
was to launch an attack,
but, alas, he fell back
from that point, never more to return.
"
"""farmers' market ?"" the sign will declare,
""buy your produce in clear country air!""
the head farmer confides,
""while no carnival rides
are in sight, we still call this a fair.""
"
"poor southerners, if they are white,
are called crackers by some. that's not right!
(this is just the us.
southern france, i would guess,
has its own terms for starting a fight.)
"
"paul simon, it's clear, has a feel
for composing pop songs with appeal,
since again and again
he has hit the top ten.
there's no doubt that this guy's the real deal.
"
"anatiferous nancy, my niece,
was a victim of nature's caprice.
often pregnant, she had
not one baby (how sad!)
but she did have ten ducks and three geese.
"
"the morning is sunny and fair,
not a cloud in the sky, but take care:
plan an afternoon date
and a picnic? just wait!
it'll rain, as i'm sure you're aware.
"
"rick fell down on the job and was canned
and from further employment is banned.
""when performance is down,""
said his buddy, a clown,
""tightrope walkers aren't much in demand.""
"
"my high blood pressure's falling. good news!
now just 30 more pounds left to lose
and my life, it appears,
will last 20 more years.
that's an offer i cannot refuse.
"
"i'm all ears means i pay strict attention
to your speech?a linguistic convention.
not just ears, i have eyes,
of course, kneecaps, arms, thighs,
and below-the-waist bits i could mention.
"
"""gold and silver &amp;c?"" gee?
that looks wrong and outdated to me.
will et cetera's form
in this way be the norm?
we will just have to stand by & c.
"
"as a decoyman jake would partake
in each hunt, though his job was to make
certain targets draw near.
still, the antlers, it's clear,
on his hat were a tragic mistake.
"
"under looms, children had to be bendable
doing dangerous work?how commendable!
the back tenters you'd see
would clear out the debris.
they were quick. (...not to mention expendable.)
"
"he's an admiral, they say, of the seas
that are narrow. it's sure to displease
if this foul, drunken chap
should throw up in your lap
from your gut all the way to your knees.
"
"a flyman, as the name might imply,
makes his living by driving a fly.
(that's a single-horse carriage.)
so please don't disparage
this job. he's a hard-working guy.
"
"a block maker did the engraving
of blocks. with his tools he'd be slaving
to produce what was used
by a block printer, fused
to make books, one by one, well worth saving.
"
"there's an asteroid just beyond mars
in this great solar system of ours.
i'm inspired to paint,
though an artist i ain't:
(1419) is danzig with stars.
"
"here's a story that's sure to bewilder:
my aunt was a pro belly builder.
sadly somewhat a klutz,
while constructing the guts
of pianos, one caved in and killed her.
"
"me and tony got jobs in the circus
as aeronauts. there they will work us
up high on trapezes.
if one of us freezes,
we'll fall to our deaths, which will irk us.
"
"they are mustering company c,
and the soldiers on hand? thirty-three,
but there should be one more,
so the first sergeant swore:
""go and hire a fagot!"" (that's me!)
"
"i'm bored stiff with his speech: ""histrionic
excitement!"" so dull it's ironic.
(what describes my malaise?
just an odd turn of phrase.
yes, it's bad, but i'm not catatonic.)
"
"it wasn't a card-playing gaffe.
when my poker hand sucked, for a laugh,
i said, ""fold!"" in regards
to those horrible cards,
and then folded them neatly in half.
"
"one key, when you're solving a crime,
is to fix without question its time.
once you figure out when
for each incident, then
who, what, where, how, and why will be prime.
"
"in a duel, you plan to delope?
that's the game plan of some kind of dope!
you shoot first, hit the sky,
and then wait for the guy
who's your foe to do likewise, you hope!
"
"faye's three falls hung to almost her waist.
one was hairy, the second was placed
near the back of her hat,
and the third one was that
which her dressmaker thought showed good taste.
"
"""we should conversate more,"" julie purred.
i purred back, ""to converse is preferred.""
she's a fox? i don't care.
i will give her the air.
sorry, conversate isn't a word!
"
"abc is not only construed
as a network i've frequently viewed;
it's advice (somewhat brash)
meaning ""always bring cash,""
or it's gum that's already been chewed.
"
"the cloistress was buying a gun,
and the paperwork almost was done.
""are there ways to pursue
to identify you?
any scars or tattoos?"" she put ""nun.""
"
"snooty shawn, when he sits at his desk,
so pretentious it's almost grotesque,
signs each letter he writes
like he mingles with knights:
shawn bartholomew castleman, esq.
"
"""i've got a weak back,"" complains barry,
""and my voice is no good, so be wary.
i'll help where i can,
but a fully grown man
and a tune are two things i can't carry.""
"
"""i will firm up my plans,"" said don knotts,
""to firm up my body in spots.
it's my thighs i intend
to get buff, so i'll spend
lots of time doing leg lifts and squats.""
"
"exolve, webster's claims, means ""to loose,""
but they add it's no longer in use.
somewhat later they say
that this verb means ""to pay,""
though it's now obsolete. what the deuce?
"
"lloyd bentsen expired today.
as a tribute, i'd just like to say
that i thought it was great
when he set dan quayle straight:
""kid,"" he told him, ""you're no jfk!""
"
"the ball test: a check for concrete
to decide if the pouring's complete.
if the ball sinks too deeply,
although not done cheaply,
the job you may have to repeat.
"
"""you will marry? then hear our decree:
an oedilfer your bride has to be!""
i believe in monogamy,
but this is endogamy!
elopement i clearly foresee.
"
"you keep saying you're tough? i don't care.
i'm far tougher than you, i declare.
care to fight, s.o.b.?
i am willing a3:
anytime, anyplace, anywhere.
"
"as a mormon, i've got fhe
as to what fhe means to me.
it means study and prayer
and, as long as we're there,
fhe. hey, turn on the tv!
"
"my wife's left me. she loves my employer,
so who the hell's this in our foyer?
""here's my card."" it's a rip-off!
the ""esq."" was the tip-off?
my soon-to-be-ex's damn lawyer!
"
"the medical process ablation
is a surgically done amputation.
if you're lucky, it's simple:
a cancerous pimple.
if not, you might suffer castration.
"
"when it comes to affairs, dale's a frail man,
not a constantly looking-for-tail man.
he stays true to marie,
though, concomitantly, she
has been screwing two cops and the mailman.
"
"i was fighting last night with aunt janet:
""this discussion is over?please can it!
michael jackson is gone,
so hugh hefner lives on
as the creepiest guy on the planet!""
"
"antigravity's here on display
as a mountain floats over the bay.
and atop this huge stone,
a small castle is shown.
i could stare at this painting all day!
"
"there's this girl lying down in a field
and a farmhouse, way off, is revealed.
it's a long way to go.
i feel sad since i know
from her illness she'll never be healed.
"
"""exploding head syndrome? good lord!
that's an illness i couldn't afford.""
""no, your head stays intact.
you hear noises, in fact
(when you're sleeping), that can't be ignored.""
"
"""go covertly. knock phelps down de steps.
doan git caught."" ""dat's a chance ah accepts!
sneaky's easy to do.
should ah be angry too?""
""yew doan hafta be mad, but it heps.""
"
"""beach volleyball,"" nathan attests,
""is exactly the game it suggests.""
why's this sport number one?
""lots of sand, lots of sun,
lots of barely clad buttocks and breasts!""
"
"the term adequately wet was created
to reflect just how well penetrated
by water (the key)
your asbestos might be.
(the term's not in the least bit x-rated.)
"
"barming, england, is out in the sticks,
west of maidstone on a26.
every farmer competes
for each woman he meets,
but the 'oppers know much better tricks.
"
"there's a store in durant, oklahoma,
that emits a suspicious aroma.
it's a cannabis club?
they sell grass, but the rub:
to get in, you must first have glaucoma.
"
"i espouse the idea of marriage.
it's a concept i'd never disparage.
i'll espouse my dear kate
(now she's seven months late).
first i'll buy a nice ring and a carriage.
"
"here's a riddle most folks cannot get get;
if you don't, no big deal, please don't fret.
just what kind of strange thing
has eight legs and can sing?
it's a barbershop (fooled ya!) quartet.
"
"the august court of sewers decreed
that the almanac man filled a need:
he must quickly provide
news of any high tide
that could lead to bad times guaranteed.
"
"if you hear those nine notes while at sea,
then a dragman you're likely to be.
since you call your web ""jack,""
you just might have the knack
to net fish from the bottom for free.
"
"""with an encore, let's favor the crowd.
we'll wrap up with 'get off of my cloud'?,""
said the cover band's lead,
""or perhaps 'let it bleed'?.""
(these guys aren't very good, but they're loud.)
"
"the term coster wife means, i declare,
a ""female fruit seller."" i swear
that, to me, this sounds odd.
there's just no way, by god,
to tell female from male in a pear.
"
"the job aledraper, most would concede,
made for pleasant employment, indeed.
selling ale was a way
to keep customers gay
in those days one might label pre-weed.
"
"advertisement conveyancer? me?
you say that's what i'm destined to be?
as a sandwich board man
i would be, by your plan,
nothing more than a walking marquee!
"
"""my great-aunt was a world-renowned beaver,""
bragged bette, and i tend to believe her.
""she made felt, and so that's
her connection to hats,
a chapeau-making over-achiever.""
"
"aquagenic urticaria? really?
so it's water you cannot use freely?
what an allergy! how
do you shower? right now
might a dry cleaners suit you ideally?
"
"a sad inmate, disorganized jake,
from his papers no order could make.
but he sported a grin
when his friends smuggled in
a small file clerk inside of a cake.
"
"the fifties i think of as dull,
a post-forties and pre-sixties lull.
back when ike was in charge,
joe mccarthy loomed large.
i was bored, clearly, out of my skull.
"
"carrots, cabbage, green onions, and beets
are all vegetables farmer john eats.
though these fall crops take toil,
they start well in warm soil:
plant in august for late autumn treats.
"
"""he was handsome and sexy as hell,
and discreet and well-mannered as well.""
the middle-aged virgin
confessed to the mergin':
""with damn little urgin', i fell.""
"
"the stranger went on to befuddle
the crowd when he sat in a puddle
of beer on his stool
to display a strange rule:
a good brew won't stick but a dud'll.
"
"i keep counterfoils, often, from dates
or from cinema nights w' me mates.
i've collected for years
these no-cost souvenirs.
(they're called ticket stubs there in the states.)
"
"saigon fell to the commies, a pity,
although many are now sitting pretty.
since the war's gone away,
should you visit today
it's officially ho chi minh city.
"
"not a meteor, a meteorite
fell in belleville last saturday night.
could another one fall
to the wonder of all?
well, it might, but the chances are slight.
"
"from my childhood, i clearly recall
humpty dumpty had suffered a fall.
and the lesson this taught?
he deserved it, i thought,
for first perching himself on the wall.
"
"the solidus represents ""or""
(for example, on/off or saint/whore).
it can also mean ""team,""
several names with one theme,
such as conquest/death/pestilence/war.
"
"""hey, boot catcher!"" calls this huge blob
of putrescent, foul flesh?a real slob.
""take these boots off, m'boy.""
this i do not enjoy,
but i've got to, of course. it's my job.
"
"said a stranger, ""i just lost my bride.""
""wow, i feel for you, guy,"" i replied.
""i can empathize, sir.
we're alike, as it were,
since my favorite goldfish just died.""
"
"all day long i have gone door to door
asking folks, ""what's a canvasser for?""
""they're like you,"" people state,
but i'm setting them straight:
he makes canvases, this and no more.
"
"""there's a new feather driver in town.""
""watchu mean? he drives feathers aroun'?
tell me, why can't he be
a ford driver like me?""
""no, his job is the cleaning of down.""
"
"what's a flusherman? truly, i'm leaning
towards an answer in no way demeaning.
i would say he's the guy
they would call, by and by,
when the sewer lines needed a cleaning.
"
"an experienced bird-watcher said
he'd seen barnacles fly overhead.
was there liquor involved?
no. the problem's been solved:
we say barnacle geese now instead.
"
"""anvil"" smith is an anvil-smith. (haw!)
he's been learning the trade from his paw.
once he makes two or three
of these anvils, you see,
they are sold door to door by his maw.
"
"many acremen toil behind plows
for as long as the daylight allows.
at the end of the day,
do they party? no way!
they are far too fatigued to carouse.
"
"though this job isn't found today much,
old-time braillers made girdles and such,
though the name may suggest
(there's a joke here, you've guessed?)
they were known for a fine sense of touch.
"
"a big fan of mae west films is mimi.
like mae, she likes sex hot and steamy.
but with bald guys? no way!
so to me she might say:
""chris, just combover sometime and see me.""
"
"paw done tole me, ""sit down on that curb.
yankee speakers we sometimes disturb
with the way we use done,
but don't worry none, son,
since it's just an auxiliary verb.""
"
"a bullwhacker's whip would go crack!
don't use reason?just give 'em a whack.
driving oxen is tough,
though it's safe, true enough,
since the beasts do not get to whack back.
"
"an old maid was once heard to opine:
""if a man fogs a mirror, that's fine.
nothing more do i need.
i'm not fussy, indeed.
if he's breathing and willing, he's mine.""
"
"said the almoner, ""sir, you're in debt.
of all souls, you're the poorest i've met.
the priest and the nuns
say to give you these funds.""
said the almsman, ""is this all i get?""
"
"staging plays in the park had appeal,
but for one the effect was surreal.
an immense flock of crows
gave our play, heaven knows,
a distinctly hitchcockian feel.
"
"i saw femme and i liked it a lot.
    just four lines and then look what you've got:
    it's a lady's bare butt!
    is that genius, or what?
    but ""picasso""? nine lines and a dot!
"
"""glenda ran down a bellboy with glee,""
i had heard, ""with a speedboat at sea!""
""is the lord back again?
hauling luggage? what then?""
was the thought first occurring to me.
"
"was edward of woodstock installed
on the throne? no! i bet he'd be galled
to discover the name
that today brings him fame.
what's he called?! ? what's he called?! ? what's he called?!
"
"a grocer from sierra leone
in a cannibal stew pot was thrown.
'twas an honest mistake
any rookie might make,
since by all spice that job once was known.
"
"al's an anchorite, lives like a moose
in the woods, a religious recluse.
as a hermit, he'll spend
days in prayer without end,
but for me, i would say, ""what's the use?""
"
"with all audio/video art,
the word audience there at the start
noted people who heard,
but the logical word
(i.e. vidience) still stands apart.
"
"""ironmonger"" it said, i'll allow,
but my sign i must now disavow.
in my shop folks would march:
""take my shirts?heavy starch!""
i am known as a feroner now.
"
"thurston howell needed help in the kitchen,
a back'us boy eager to pitch in.
in a hiring coup,
he got mr. magoo.
""he works cheap, lovey. please stop your bitchin'.""
"
"tom caught sight of the bottle and then,
caught off balance, i cried, ""it's for ken!""
he caught on that i'd bought it.
in the neck, i sure caught it,
caught up in my lies once again.
"
"bal maiden: a mine-working belle
(surface only). one thing you could tell
'bout this job, way back when:
she did not ""service"" men.
in bal maiden there's only one ""l"".
"
"if you were a ship's ballard master,
they'd undoubtedly urge you: ""work faster!
get the ballast aboard.
see it's perfectly stored.
if it's not we'll be courting disaster.""
"
"clearly, clothes make the man, it is said.
this is why all the gals favor fred.
they all purr that he's cute
in his brooks brothers suit
with the krugerrands taped to his head.
"
"""i'm a flogger,"" sebastian declares,
though he's no sort of menace, he swears.
""i don't go house to house
whipping you and your spouse.
i'm a peddler just flogging my wares.""
"
"barnyard baseball!  the critters had fun
till a hen, as the ump, came undone.
all excited, her squawk
(and i quote) ""balk!  balk!  balk!""
let the turkey on first score a run.
"
"some curers cure things, not the masses,
and these things come in various classes:
there's tobacco and fish
or some ham if you wish,
though the process is slow as molasses.
"
"""canvas climber? that's me, 'salty' taylor.
the atlantic's my home, on a whaler.
for great paintings i search
so upon them i'll perch?
not at all. that just means i'm a sailor.
"
"canting callers were people, i'm told,
who made sure that all bids were controlled
at an auction. the high bid
would end up the buy bid:
""going once. going twice. it is sold!""
"
"what were cairds? well, that's easy to say.
they were jacks-of-all-trades, in a way?
fixing this, selling that,
working earnestly at
an old job we'd call tinker today.
"
"a caddy could often be found
just a-waiting for work, hanging 'round
for odd jobs he could do.
""as a messenger, too,
i'm your man for a buck or a pound!""
"
"i'm a dish thrower: dishes, i make.
when i'm ""throwing"" a dish, it won't break.
you say that you wish
i should make you a dish
round and deep, plus a lid? piece o' cake!
"
"when the principal spoke of suspension,
he had certainly fixed my attention:
""if you break any rule,
you'll be thrown out of school.""
(he was nude, though, i also should mention.)
"
"""i shoe horses,"" said farrier sam
to his date. ""is that some sort of scam?""
the gal asked. ""something's funny.
you say you make money
by encouraging horses to scram?""
"
"there's a job that's been named something new,
but just think: had its old name come through,
would the boardwrights have sung
that they've now just begun
with their number one hit ""close to you""?
"
"i'm the innkeeper here. yep, the bluffer.
i shine all of our floors with a buffer.
once i did this by hand,
but that old way's been banned.
on my knees it was needlessly tougher.
"
"a beagle, in days long ago,
was a criminal's primary foe.
if some pocket you picked,
he would tell you, ""you're nicked!""
and then off to the hoosegow you'd go.
"
"suicidal, a young man ignores
all his doctors' advice:  goes outdoors
seeking bees, wasps, or better
after leaving a letter
signed ""anaphylactically yours.""
"
"what makes whiskey from wort? distillation.
what makes something more dry? dehydration.
but if acid's your liquid,
the word you'd best stiquid
is the term that's preferred: concentration.
"
"free admission will go to the guy
who posts ads on his property. why?
every bill pass, we know,
means more folks at the show
who will like what they see buy and buy.
"
"we have gotten a general fix
on the aircraft. it's north 26,
west 100 degrees,
on its way to belize.
four more hours, the pilot predicts.
"
"lafayette sabine foster, no doubt,
is a name most know little about.
yet this man could have been
us prez way back when
if george atzerodt hadn't wimped out.
"
"june, a prom queen adored in her youth,
later lived in a box, a sad truth.
drugs and booze took their toll.
now she's known for one role:
snorting ajax for humor uncouth.
"
"""edge those bayonets, men. make 'em sharp!""
yelled the sergeant. i don't mean to carp,
but now really, what for?
after any big war
i'll be surfing on clouds, playing harp.
"
"said the genie, ""great wealth?"" this she nixed.
the old maid had a dog (breed was mixed).
""make this mongrel a man.""
*poof!* her woes then began:
""aren't you sorry for having me fixed?""
"
"though her bod i would love to embrace,
she's a butterface, sadly a case
in which eyes, nose, and smile
are all things to revile.
every feature's a ""10"" butter face.
"
"not all salesmen would walk door to door.
 some would go to meet vessels off shore
 where the anchors were dropped.
 here the bumboat men stopped
 to sell passengers items galore.
"
"""a camerist,"" argues louise,
""was a lady's maid. her expertise
was photography? no!
though today some say so.
they pronounce it as 'camera-ist'? please!""
"
"our bozzler, i'm sad to say, drinks
(yes, our own parish constable spinks).
he'll go straight from a bar
to the back of his car
to catch 40 (or 400!) winks.
"
"""a professional bowler,"" says sam
with great arrogance, ""that's what i am!""
""what's your average?"" i say.
he says, ""four bowls a day.
wanna buy one?"" i told him to scram.
"
"""what's a bowdler?"" asked benjamin (but
first i'll mention this guy's off his nut).
""bowdlers work with,"" i said,
""iron ore, so i've read.""
he responded then, ""iron or what?""
"
"was a boothman the guy who showed porn
in dark booths (long before you were born)
that were smelly and hot,
at a quarter a shot?
no, a boothman's a guy who sold corn.
"
"if your inn was the type to sell ale,
then the ale-conner's word would prevail.
both the size of each brew
and the quality, too,
he'd inspect. serve bud light? then you'd fail.
"
"a tun is a cask made for ale,
and an ale tunner's task, without fail,
was to fill up each tun
to the brim, every one,
so the brewer could put it for sale.
"
"to all alblasteres, hats you should doff.
i'm no suck-up, so please do not scoff.
these are fellows whose skill
with a crossbow can kill,
not the sort that you'd care to piss off.
"
"immigration is picky about
just who enters this country, no doubt.
if it's drugs that you're on,
or you're some kind of con,
you're excludable. stay the hell out!
"
"here's a job that was slightly obscure
for some long-ago entrepreneur:
antigropelos makers
were movers and shakers
in waterproof leggings, for sure.
"
"said a bondman, ""i want to engrave.""
to a master, his life he then gave.
he'd be taught this fine skill
till the day (what a thrill!)
he was sprung from the life of a slave.
"
"if your last name is fletcher, i'd guess
that an ancestor had some success
as an arrowsmith. you
can tell volumes, it's true,
from the surnames that people possess.
"
"i'm a patriot, true, as a rule,
but then flag day i don't find that cool.
june 14th every year
(without presents, i fear),
we must still go to work or to school.
"
"clem, we're fixin' to leave in a minute
for france, though i know yer agin it.
maw's all ready to go,
and the pick-up's packed, so,
consarn it, you better get in it!
"
"my babyless streak i have kept,
though with dozens of men i have slept,
since precautions i take.
it's your future at stake.
to stay pregnancy-free, contracept.
"
"my great-grandad, the back washer, said,
""way back when, all the work was co-ed,
but the job title's bull!
all we washed was the wool.
from day one, i was greatly misled.""
"
"a salesman's assistant, no more,
a clicker would stand by the door
of a shop and implore
passers-by: ""see our store!""
pushy clickers were hard to ignore.
"
"with a frown, ""i'm a classman,"" says bob,
just an out-of-work ditch-digging slob.
while i may have some class
and (some say) a nice ass,
what i really need now is a job.""
"
"grandpa mark, in his youth, was a clark
there in london from morning till dark.
now his grandson (some jerk)
has the same job: a clerk
though pronouncing it ""clark."" (?)
"
"if they name you as chairman, beware
should this mean that you're one of a pair.
i've a boss, ""half-ton harry,""
i'm forced now to carry
'round town in his damn sedan chair.
"
"in the forties, the tv was new.
but computers? we'd hardly a clue.
there were sock hops galore,
bogart, hitchcock and more.
we had tupperware and world war, too!
"
"cinder wenches would go to collect
from the gas works the crap they'd reject
(mostly cinders), and they,
door to door, would then say:
""buy some cinders?"" (tough job, i suspect.)
"
"""this 'weapons for hostages' myth?
let us put it behind us forthwith.
colonel oliver north,
let us hear you. come forth.""
(but he tripped on the rug and came fifth.)
"
"a bandster was clearly the guy
who bound wheat sheaves at harvest. that's why
if you played clarinet,
it's a pretty safe bet
this is one job you'd want to pass by.
"
"you sold fish? then a chowder you'd be.
chances are you weren't far from the sea,
though if this wasn't true,
it is likely that you,
selling inland, were called cashmarie.
"
"the last letter of all that you see
in the alphabet clearly is z.
this is true today, though
it was not long ago
that the ampersand final would be.
"
"less a swimmer and more of a drowner,
juliet was in need of a crowner.
he determined her end
and officially penned:
""too much water, a true (six foot) downer.""
"
"""i am sorry,"" said harry, ""but this
definition i have to dismiss.
how can buss makers make
only guns? heaven's sake!
clearly buss is an old word for kiss.""
"
"a cobleman's sure to possess
a flat-bottomed boat. i would guess
that all fishermen know
there's a reason, although
the poor fish, i'm sure, couldn't care less.
"
"an old bareman quite proudly confessed,
""with a beautiful bod i've been blessed.
while my job is to beg,
though i may show some leg,
i do best when not wholly undressed.""
"
"hachaliah did not like to plow
but thought betty could help him, and how!
when huge crowds she would lure,
bailey put her on tour.
his descendants are changing things now.
"
"a theatre director opined:
""i've done dozens of shows, every kind.
a good bookholder's needed
to prompt,"" he conceded.
""each show, someone drops a damn line!""
"
"said a bloodletter, ""i'm a go-getter!
i've sent patients the following letter:
'let my leeches ensure
every man a sure cure!'?""
(of course, nowadays doctors know better.)
"
"i'm a beadman. my job is to pray.
for my boss in a purposeful way.
i guess one of these days
i should ask for a raise.
am i earning my pay? hard to say.
"
"he's a maker of besoms. he digs
making brooms out of poles and birch twigs.
""why not sample my wares?
clean your homes,"" he declares.
""it is time you stopped living like pigs!""
"
"clearly crossing sweepers now are far fewer
than back when each road was a sewer.
at each corner would loom
some poor guy with a broom
there to keep dresses free from manure.
"
"i tan leather as fine as you please
using bark that's been stripped off of trees.
i'm a barkman. the stuff
sure is common enough.
even blind men could find it with ease.
"
"a buckle tongue maker? good lord!
here's a job that should win some award.
making one part of belts?
only this? nothing else?
you believe this? you're out of your gourd!
"
"a traveling salesman of old
was known as a bagman, i'm told.
did this come from the sack
that he hauled on his back,
town to town, filled with stuff that he sold?
"
"hear the head of the steamboat line shout
at his firemen, ""nitwits! i doubt
that you guys comprehend
what it means to attend
to your fires. you don't put them out!""
"
"balloon blowers (i'll read this verbatim
from my source) are those guys who create 'em.
their job ends at production.
there's this firm instruction:
""let other clowns out there inflate 'em!""
"
"a frontiersman, a young man named adam,
was in search of a home with a madam.
bagniokeeper by trade,
she helped men to get laid,
since those play-for-pay dollies? she had 'em.
"
"aurifabers were workers of old
who would specialize solely in gold.
they would make pretty things:
bracelets, necklaces, rings,
which, at gold-plated prices, were sold.
"
"a backmann, a backster, a beck,
a baxter and becker, by heck,
were all one in the same.
today baker's the name.
(don't believe me? i'll wait while you check.)
"
"though the job title's somewhat bizarre,
an apronman works on your car.
i'd suggest you not joke
with these hardworking folk,
since for manliness you are no star.
"
"once, in london, a shopkeeper there
was an aproneer also, i swear.
this i mention, in short,
since it gives some support
to the saying, ""you are what you wear.""
"
"a distraught former rancher prayed, ""please,
make me top apiarian."" he's
a success as of late,
and he brags, ""life is great.
i've got eight hundred ten head of bees!""
"
"a foot maiden, dimpled and sweet,
with good reason might say, ""i am beat!""
she's a gal, not one's spouse,
who does work 'round one's house
overall unrelated to feet.
"
"the plural of dr. is, yes,
made by adding an s: d-r-s.
so then, mr.? if i
speak of more than one guy,
i would use m-r-s., i would guess.
"
"see those burye men? no one erases
that extremely grave look on their faces.
no, it's fitting to keep
as each digs, six feet deep,
with great solemness,  burial places.
"
"""mister roberts"" would never eschew
dipping bread into hot, cheesy goo.
though today the man's dead,
at the time it was said,
""henry fonda is fonda fondue.""
"
"center stage: ""bill, i love you,"" anne sighs.
in the background, fred's crossing his eyes.
as he scratches his crotch,
it is him people watch.
this rude conduct is called catching flies.
"
"""these disposable razors are trash!
on my neck there's a seven-inch gash.
i just don't understand
why you're buying this brand.""
""cheap as chips, they're a way to save cash.""
"
"there are uses we choose, a la carte,
when we write the word fall, if we're smart.
it can often relate
""to pass into a state"":
fall in love, fall asleep, fall apart.
"
"post-election, we all knew the score.
tricky dick fell from power and swore
to the press that this dick
they would not get to kick
(metaphorically) 'round any more.
"
"fixing fights isn't that hard to do.
pick a mug with a modest i.q.
and then tell him his wife
ought to fear for her life.
to the canvas he'll drop right on cue.
"
"i'm a hat and my buddies are, too,
and good manners we hope you pursue.
when you enter an office,
the rule is to doff us.
plus, where ladies are present, please do.
"
"the bride of 18 softly calls
to her bridegroom (age 90?what balls!):
""don't forget your viagra.
we're off to niagara!""
(a spot also known as ""the falls"").
"
"absorbed, absent-minded, abstracted ?
three ways in which folks are distracted.
the first means ""fixated.""
the next ""addlepated.""
the last, you're ""in deep thought protracted.""
"
"when inflation is high, you may find
that your business is falling behind.
bills past due are not paid.
those you owe are dismayed,
and to sue you they may be inclined.
"
"""a fleshmonger?"" ""yowza! hot stuff!
sin, perversion, and babes in the buff!""
""i was going to say
that one, back in the day,
was a butcher. disappointed? that's tough.""
"
"bill, a boardman, though only a rookie,
showed all he's a really smart cookie.
as a truant's worst foe,
he knew just where to go
to catch kids who were out playing hooky.
"
"""hey, bone picker! come take these rags.
i've some 'pure' you can stick in your bags.""
with his health often scummy
(a sensitive tummy),
no wonder this poor bastard gags.
"
"""futilitarians, all!"" april hoots.
""you're devoted to futile pursuits.
it's a huge waste of time,
this defining in rhyme!""
(it's a view each oedilfer disputes.)
"
"a deviller worked at a devil.
(i'm not kidding; this job's on the level.)
that machine would tear rags
all week long, bags and bags,
and then sunday would come: time to revel!
"
"i'd call bees' use of bee glue excusable
to make walls of their beehives more fusible.
buds of trees can present
this strong ""nature's cement""
(great, since duct tape is clearly unusable).
"
"commie-bashers are not fond of reds.
d.c.-bashers? the same, but with feds.
any group you can name?
the construction's the same:
add this word and hostility spreads.
"
"fx is a term you might see
used by bloggers, though not used by me.
""for example"" it means
to illiterate teens
all too thick to remember e.g.
"
"there's some canine, an unwanted stray,
in our village. he's looking to stay.
call the dog-whipper quick.
he'll go out with his stick:
""you're not welcome here, mutt. go away!""
"
"did a barm brewer brew lots of barm?
did this stuff ever cause people harm?
no, not really, at least
not directly. it's yeast.
there's a job with an old-timey charm.
"
"folks attended, way back in the day,
to what franklin pierce adams would say.
he was wise: ""too much truth,""
he once said, ""is uncouth,""
in a column he signed f.p.a.
"
"the letters fwd
stand for ""forward."" a friend asked of me:
""is my slutty wife fwd?
is she acting untoward?""
i replied, ""yes, but only with me.""
"
"i'm leery of games marked ""fv.""
that means fantasy violence is key
to the way the game's run.
sure, the kids think it's fun.
its effect, though, we cannot foresee.
"
"funny money is going around.
in my wallet i've got some, i found.
""here in london,"" i moan,
""any fool should have known
adolf hitler is not on the pound.""
"
"louie's looking for good ft work?
forty hours a week. he's a clerk,
but he's making it clear
seven million a year
is the least he'll accept. (lou's a jerk!)
"
"said my mom, ""i don't want to intrude,
but your language is shockingly lewd!""
i had texted fq,
""&hairsp;'fiscal quarter' to you.
it's ok, ma. it only sounds rude.""
"
"there's a letter the post office got
that was riddled with errors (a lot),
so the blindsman was called.
could he read what was scrawled
on the envelope? probably not.
"
"clearly earth stoppers all have the touch
to piss animals off very much.
their professional goals:
to fill in all the holes
made by rabbits and badgers and such.
"
"if i were a cardinal, my name
would be ""chris cardinal strolin."" this same
quirky order's been used
since forever. confused?
call me ""cardinal chris strolin""? i'm game.
"
"clearly homeland security's fuming:
""bombs r us"" is a hit. they're assuming
each month sales are higher.
they're right! things look dire
for them since our business is booming.
"
"a first sergeant is not prone to chat.
he will lay down the law, and that's that.
you do not want to mess
with an angry fs,
or you'll soon wear your ass for a hat.
"
"in the u.s.a.f. be alert!
your career you'll undoubtedly hurt
if you misunderstand
the commander's right hand
for enlisted affairs: the first shirt.
"
"there's a guy at a blowing machine
who will use it to keep fibers clean,
or he's one of those fellows
who works at a bellows
for blacksmiths; both blowers it's seen.
"
"a blower (which later meant ""phone"")
was a tube through which breath was first blown
so a whistle would sound
till your party was found.
you don't get it? you're hardly alone.
"
"american airlines (aa)
now serves snowmen. one landed today
for a visit, but why?
it's the tenth of july,
and he's rapidly falling away!
"
"fze are three letters to choose
if you don't want to write the word fuse.
but is that any better?
you save just one letter,
a shortcut i never would use.
"
"a fewster constructed the frame
that, when covered with leather, became
every cowboy's best friend
since it saved his rear end,
and a saddle, when done, was its name.
"
"cuffing season: when winter grows near,
and it's loneliness singles may fear.
steady mates are then found
until spring comes around,
and then presto! ? the cuffs disappear.
"
"""my girlfriend is frigid,"" al wept,
""just like most gals with whom i have slept.""
""there are no frigid gals,""
i say often to pals,
""only guys who are sadly inept.""
"
"at the coaching inn, she: ""you're a cad!""
but i simply replied, ""is that bad?
here the horses i feed
and i water. indeed,
it's the easiest job that i've had.""
"
"""the euro's just great!"" proclaims ian,
but what's odd is this guy's tennessean.
it's undoubtedly true
he's a yank through and through,
yet this limerick's a strong euro paean.
"
"take amato- then add normaltivity,
the result is our natural proclivity
for love, what we want
to possess and to flaunt:
a partner, true love, exclusivity.
"
"""boy, i feel like a moonpie,"" said belle,
""and some pickles and ice cream as well.
think i'm pregnant?"" ""yeah, right!
we had sex just last night,
so it's prob'ly too early to tell.""
"
"i'd say fugler is one of those words
that, because of its first half, to nerds
seems suggestive of what
it's most certainly not.
it's a catcher or keeper of birds.
"
"fred the fossetmaker?praise be his name,
since the making of taps is his game.
if an ale-cask did not
have a faucet, a lot
of our keggers would not be the same.
"
"bibble-babble is talk that's inane.
so's the word itself, i could maintain,
but since shakespeare employed it
and clearly enjoyed it,
what right do i have to complain?
"
"ricky worked as a devil last winter
due to skills he had shown as a sprinter.
as an errand boy, rick
made a point to be quick
with the tasks he performed for a printer.
"
"""i'm a brimstone refiner."" ""do tell!
just how long's your commute time to hell?""
""not at all. i refine
sulphur straight from the mine.
that's the prime source of gunpowder's smell.""
"
"we heard surfing in cuba was hot,
but the week we were there it was not.
waves not two inches high
were the biggest?no lie.
ankle-slappers were all that we got.
"
"the air is a thick, smoke-filled haze
as i feel my way through this damn maze.
though great fun was in store,
it's no fun any more:
the whole maze made of maize is ablaze!!
"
"my wife's lovers were only a fling,
she assures me (to lessen the sting).
but then i found out
what that word's all about.
to a doctor my wife i will bring.
"
"of all of the job titles yet,
what's the worst sounding? cow leech, i'd bet.
did they suck blood from cattle?
no way. i'd say that'll
be just an old name for a vet.
"
"""i just love my new hairdo. it's neat!""
i thought not, but one must be discreet.
""a busker did this,""
she went on. i said, ""miss,
did you have your hair styled in the street?""
"
"bridget driscoll, pedestrian, first
to experience cars at their worst?
""she was struck at great speed,""
those who saw it agreed.
""this must not reoccur!"" someone cursed.
"
"henry bliss from a streetcar had stepped
to be crushed by a taxi. folks wept.
he was first from the states
for ""next stop: pearly gates,""
in a way that, today, we accept.
"
"a verb met a noun while out late
and asked her if she'd be his mate.
""your offer sounds fine,
but i have to decline;
i'm afraid that i don't conjugate.""
"
"bookaneers would rob authors, not banks?
steal their work and not even say thanks.
laws protecting the writer
would later get tighter
to stop these foul thieves (mostly yanks).
"
"genetically modified food
is called frankenfood. some may conclude
that it's evil somehow.
i say don't have a cow.
if we run out of food, we'll be screwed.
"
"a basketman (a) works with wicker
making baskets for (b) folks who dicker
in touristy joints.
there, i've written two points.
(that's a pun at which sports fans may snicker.)
"
"joe was one of those erudite guys.
he declared that i'm just the right size,
that i'm witty, and smart,
and possess a kind heart.
i feel he's remarkably wise.
"
"a decadent dyer got stewed,
went too far and embrued all his food.
his steak? tangerine.
his eggs? jungle green.
other foods were less tastefully hued.
"
"dungaree is a coarse cotton twill
used for jeans that slim girls like you fill.
when it's perfectly cut,
and i watch your butt strut,
then in my jeans you'll notice a thrill!
"
"to emplunge means put this thing in that,
like, ""submerse your worst brat in a vat!""
now, suppress any urge
your bad kid to submerge;
let's try: ""baptize your bratwurst in fat!""
"
"when our church was complete, we could tell
that the south wall was dodgy as hell.
brother boris built for us
a stout abamurus;
it's standing, but don't ring the bell.
"
"sales volume too low? flat and stuck?
buy a paper's prime space ? ""double truck.""
take an ad double-wide
in the center inside;
with some luck you'll see sales run amok!
"
"when the hen-courting season is gone,
bright drakes put drab plumage back on.
with colors less bright,
they'll blend in in day's light,
eclipsed by the camo they don.
"
"the log of, say, x to base b
has a colog, which math-heads agree
is the negative of
that log up above.
it's as simple as that, q.e.d.
"
"""since  cupboard we all pronounce 'cubbard,'
why's a clapboard not known as a 'clubbard'?""
this i asked mother goose,
who exclaimed, ""what the deuce!
i'm a bird?go and ask mother hubbard!""
"
"conglaciation's when things turn to ice;
i've seen that occur once or twice.
when i make tipsy passes
at fetching young lasses,
their faces flash-freeze, which ain't nice!
"
"if the price of an item is p,
and the cost to produce it is v,
then each item that's sold
contributes, we're told,
its p minus v, which is c.
"
"a crackerjack con in sudan
handcrafted crude shanks in the can.
he made use of his shank craft
to fix a cracked crankshaft,
then split in the warden's old van.
"
"""common knowledge suggests,"" proclaims louis,
 ""universally known.""  i say, ""phooey!""
we all know it's true
there are always a few
who don't get the message.  (or do we?)
"
"duplicidentata ? what's there?
just the pika, the rabbit, the hare.
in their maw's upper jaw
they have four teeth to gnaw:
that is, an additional pair.
"
"a publisher certainly knows
that eighteenmos are hard to impose.
to attain what's desired,
great precision's required
in terms of where everything goes.
"
"i love to kill folks, not bloodthirstily ?
in a way incontestibly worsetily.
i fill to the brim
the pool where i swim,
then immerse them, quite slowly, headfirstily.
"
"some boost eastside:  ""the best side of town!""
adding, ""west, that's the worst!"" and they frown.
high-rise dwellers boast least
of north, south, west or east;
they're more likely to push ""up"" or ""down.""
"
"the eelblenny's no eel, just a blenny;
a mistake, i am sure, made by many.
she's got a full rack
of sharp spines on her back,
stuck up like a row of antennae!
"
"nails are sold by the pound, all agree,
but their lengths are in pennies, or d.
let there be no debate:
here's a case where an eight
is just two times as long as a three!
"
"my ear doctor leaped from his seat
when my aural exam was complete.
""i'd give ten grand per annum
to own your tympanum;
your eardrum just cannot be beat!""
"
"to construct a contingency table,
draw columns and rows, and then label.
when done with design,
load the data, refine:
now mine it for stats ? if you're able.
"
"what's four-footed? well, first i'd say lambs,
plus that cane (built for balance) of gram's.
add your average chair,
then there's sonny and cher.
last but least, there's one-third dozen clams.
"
"""fix your eyes on the road straight ahead,""
the classroom instructor had said,
""and no texting!"" his shout
made it clear he'd no doubt
i'd ignore him and soon would be dead.
"
"a high fly to right field had been ripped,
but when crossing the foul line, i tripped.
i'm inept, people say,
yet i caught it that day.
""guess it takes one to catch one,"" i quipped.
"
"""fix the problem we've got, not the blame,""
i heard mack, the head honcho, proclaim.
""what is holding us back?
fellow staff we attack.
pointing fingers should not be our aim.""
"
"the repairman had taken a call
for a job: a large hole in a wall.
""for a house made of bricks,
you can't call that a fix!""
cried the owner. ""just duct tape? what gall!""
"
"i'm supposed to fix meals for my spouse,
though i'm tempted to burn down our house.
let him cook his own grub,
wash his clothes, scrub the tub,
that degenerate, two-timing louse!
"
"said my lab partner, alan, ""hey, buddy,
since my microscope skills are so cruddy,
fix this specimen, please,""
so i killed it with ease
and preserved it for subsequent study.
"
"""fix this photo of moon in your mind.
she's the kid we've been ordered to find.""
some celebrity's brat
is job one, and that's that.
to long hours of work i'm resigned.
"
"delapsation's a dubious word
that was born when an error occurred.
other sources agreed,
got behind webster's lead,
and supported this word undeterred.
"
"said an unbroken salmon (a she),
""i'm a baggit?no babies for me.
spawning season is done.
shed my eggs? not a one!
as a mom i'm a flop, you'd agree.""
"
"a baseball bat maker named nash
found five hundred dollars in cash.
excited, he tore
to his fave lumber store,
where he paid for a great piece of ash.
"
"into his rathole he staggered,
unshaven, disheveled, and haggard.
""i bin out on the street
cheatin' people i meet?
just doin' me job as a blaggard.""
"
"the empuse is a man-eating ghost.
her bug namesake's more ghastly than most.
if empusa pennata
attacks me i've gotta
declare that gross mantis is toast!
"
"catabatic west winds from the crown
of the ridge wend their way to the town,
bringing respite from heat
to the folks in the street
wearing not much to try to cool down.
"
"a bicephalous builder named brunn
built a house, and before it was done
put twin loos in one room.
why? because, we assume,
he knew two heads were better than one.
"
"i asked, ""doc, is it true you're a grafter?""
he look startled, then burst into laughter.
""i'm no criminal loser ?
just a dermatome user,""
thin skin for your graft's what i'm after!
"
"on a pier, ninety fishing poles dangled.
lines were cast: some were straight, and some angled.
when the sun started setting
they'd lots of fun getting
their fishes and lines disentangled.
"
"bought a fine old string bass from friend leo.
love to play that bass fiddle con brio,
when i pluck (pizzicato),
or bow, con vibrato.
add drums and piano? jazz trio!
"
"substitution i taught by degrees
to my secret french lover, louise.
i used  u, o, and i
to encrypt  a, n, y;
so her nays were transformed into ouis!
"
"to say eicosapentaenoic
right (first-time) is truly heroic!
this omega-3-type
fatty acid i hype
tastes awful. but drink it ? be stoic!
"
"""engine tenters tend engines,"" says ben.
he's a student of english (u. penn).
""what was tent long ago
is now tend, records show.
it's that t into d thing again.""
"
"an ambush of tigers, it's claimed,
surprised five: two were killed, three were maimed.
fierce attacks like this show
as collective nouns go,
these are beasts that are very well named.
"
"groups of crocodiles? why do you ask?
to look the word up is a task,
but i really don't mind.
who knows what i will find?
let me see... here it is. it's a bask.
"
"the word bed is a term that appeals
to those folks who like bivalve-y meals.
it means groups of, you know,
clams and oysters, although
it can also denote snakes or eels.
"
"henny penny is in a bad mood about
a noun. she has come all unglued about
just what she is called
in a group. she's appalled!
i said, ""hey, that is nothing to brood about.""
"
"does my girlfriend love ferrets? and how!
she perceives them to be her cash cow.
in groups, they sell well.
she's a hit, i can tell,
in the busyness business right now.
"
"you've got gnats in a crowd? that's a cloud,
a large mass that should not be allowed.
with just one can of spray,
i killed thousands one day,
an achievement of which i'm quite proud.
"
"groups of alligators! experts all say
there's a term that this scene will convey.
congregation's the word.
some advice i have heard
if surrounded by one: ""let us pray!""
"
"she said, ""dazzle me. make my eyes pop,
since your last birthday gift was a flop.""
so i gave her a herd
of fine zebras. absurd?
that's a present my rivals won't top.
"
"the hive was a father's day gift,
but the bees are all gone and i'm miffed.
as a bee private eye,
i will pay you to try
to return them to me. get my drift?
"
"d-dots come in circles (like yolks);
one p-pens them with pin-prick type strokes.
there's p-pink polka dots
and m-measles' dot spots
and d-dots in ""d-dots all, f-folks.""
"
"claude the auditor seemed to have fun
telling me, auditee, ""listen, son.
these accounts are suspicious,
in fact, they're fictitious;
the books you thought cooked ain't half-done!""
"
"what is endlessness? having no end,
like the tedious hours i spend
hearing hermann the german's
dull latinate sermons
in language i can't comprehend.
"
"something carinated's shaped like a keel,
and for pottery walls a big deal.
with such ridges, you'll find
bowl and pot sides designed
to cook, dine, and store, with appeal.
"
"manufacturing processes vary;
conforming to specs can be hairy.
but there are no enigmas:
plot mean and three sigmas,
and for points outside limits, be wary.
"
"anodonta  are missing dentition.
this condition's just one more omission
as they try to get by
absent ear, mouth or eye.
they're lucky they're lacking cognition!
"
"a puking-prone patient named jason
often sped to a head, forced to hasten
by his number one nemesis:
merciless emesis,
filling, each day, a barf basin.
"
"you bought me a spankin' new door latch.
it's cheap and godawful, a poor latch.
dumb spring just goes ""ping!"" ?
doesn't do a damn thing,
neither locks nor unlocks, unlike your latch.
"
"a balance to weigh tons of weight,
pocket-sized, was invented by kate.
rhapsodic, enthusing,
with praises effusing,
said 'er dad, ""weigh-to-go! ain't that great?""
"
"drunk and lusty, we're cramped in one room,
all in awe of a wondrous bazoom
at the bachelor party
for potted pal artie ?
soon doomed to become a bride's groom.
"
"an enchanting male dancer named dantze
had movements ? well, just like a swan, say.
some thought him a nancy,
his moves were so fancy,
especially his artsy ?lanc?.
"
"the diamond-bird ? what a wee treat!
and those tunnels he bores ? quite a feat!
from the ""gems"" on his wings
to the ""wit-lu"" he sings,
this bird is a bloke hard to beat!
"
"when children become adolescent,
they may bloom for a time, efflorescent.
but time hurries on;
that sweet charm's too soon gone ?
their blossoming's brief, evanescent.
"
"when cats unwind thread from a ball,
they eglomerate. cats, after all,
like to play with things knit;
i, for one, had a fit
when rags raveled my pashmina shawl!
"
"an ""eel blenny"" ain't blenny or eel.
he's a dottyback ? that name's for real.
do not pet!  be judicious:
some species are vicious.
your finger might be his next meal.
"
"dead man's fingers (cadaverous name!)
denotes matter of minimal fame:
mushroom, algae, and coral,
an orchid and more i'll
with luck soon recall and proclaim.
"
"in our workshop, my clumsy friend jay
was polishing metal one day
when i heard him start swearing?
the brush wheel was tearing
the pants he was wearing away!
"
"in a cable car, high above perth,
my glee club carouses ? much mirth!
should that line we depend on
give way, we'll all end on
bad notes, as we plummet to earth.
"
"i'm a number ? deficient, and sad!
if you take my divisors and add
them, the sum, you will see,
isn't even twice me ?
so defectives like me, we feel bad.

i'm a number ? abundant, not sad.
if you take my divisors and add
them, the sum, you will see,
is more than twice me ?
so for sure i'm excessive, and glad!
"
"a wandering gremlin named ira
built a ramp and a wall in elmira:
a construction so fine,
it inspired the incline
and wall of the roamin' imp, ira.
"
"sam, the chair bodger, proudly declares:
""i'm the best when it comes to repairs!""
though his boast may be true,
his big paydays are few
as he goes door to door fixing chairs.
"
"""curse of knowledge""? is that what i've got?
true, of limericks i know quite a lot,
so when somebody claims
that they think henry james
wrote the best, then agree i cannot.
"
"from the spanish we've taken bravado
and tornado but not desperado.
""pseudo-spanish"" it's called.
facts like this have enthralled
many language aficionado.
"
"their code names were fiddle and faddle.
jfk's mighty organ they'd straddle.
they would romp in the pool,
but were nobody's fool,
so when jackie'd show up, they'd skidaddle.
"
"i'm a drummer, but don't call me ringo.
it's a word from an outdated lingo.
have you guessed it entails
someone ""drumming up sales""
like a travelling salesman does? bingo!
"
"they said, ""downhold expenses,"" and i,
not well known as a cost-cutting guy,
had a lunch of king crab
on the company's tab.
what, cut corners? deny myself? why?
"
"the cable read, ""downhold expenses.""
that's cablese. clearly the sense is:
""please don't run up big bills
on gratuitous frills.
it won't matter just what your defense is.""
"
"blacking makers made blacking. (that's news?)
that's the polish you'd use on your shoes.
if a customer said,
""all my footwear is red.
still, i bet you can help me,"" he'd lose.
"
"out in scotland, sebastian's a birlyman.
homophonically, too, he's a burly man.
he will arbitrate fights
while protecting folks' rights,
so it helps that he isn't a girly man.
"
"""three to zip"" read the halftime display.
we were leading, that fine summer's day.
then the other team scored
seven touchdowns. good lord,
it was murder! they blew us away!
"
"hours spent, as a youth? disproportionate:
overboard, overdone, and extortionate.
days spent cruisin' for floozies,
all-night booze-bingin' doozies,
awesome orgies? long gone. how unfortunate!
"
"tons of silt from a river's debris
one day, on a slope, may break free.
when these sediments slide
down the continent's side,
abyssal fans form undersea!
"
"dear daisy: once stray, you were sad;
pleading eyes stole our hearts, we were had!
been six years to the day,
and we just want to say ?
what a bitch!  lots of love, mom and dad.
"
"this variable's i.q. is point two ?
he does just what you tell him to do.
""hold on, stay in place!
problem solved? self-erase!""
such a useful no-brainer.  who knew!?
"
"what's this creature i've caught? cannot guess;
horrid thing wants to eat me, no less.
sharpened claws, odor rank,
way too large for my tank ?
clearly lacking in domableness!
"
"""the ballockwort's name,"" she cried out,
""is so ballsy!  just what's that about?""
he pulled on a shoot
to show her its root ?
she blushed when she touched it, no doubt.
"
"king john bought a loo he was shown ?
royal flush. needing air through it blown,
he copped a compressor
from adair, his professor,
anointing it air to the throne.
"
"""attributes data,"" fred read,
""statistical gurus have said
are discrete, an amount
such as taking a count
of each species of hole in your head.""

""variables data, instead,
are continuous; measures are spread
on an infinite scale?
like the length of a whale,
or the sizes of holes in your head.""
"
"a studious chemotaxonomist
got bored, and became an agronomist.
with an econ degree,
is it true that he'd be
a new chemotaxagroeconomist?
"
"a punctilious man, abbot dunc,
said that monks late for matins plain ""stunk.""
he would bluntly berate
any bro who was late,
who'd then stew in a moody blue funk.
"
"have you chomped on a paw of ursinus?
likely not; bears are known for their shyness.
instead, try a sweet
filling-stuffed pastry treat
in the shape of that claw (plus or minus).
"
"one might use a regression equation
to establish, one hopes, correlation.
but no matter how well
x and y seem to jell,
correlation does not prove causation.
"
"emmetropia's not a disease;
if you've got it, don't shake at the knees.
it just means ""perfect vision"" ?
you read with precision
those charts with wee zs, es, and cs.
"
"an ectomorph body type's thin;
it comprises long bones wrapped in skin.
""like that longitype dude
who ate only lean food?
that's me!"" said jack spratt, weighing in.
"
"on a ranch of mixed caprids i met her.
bovid tending? no cowgirl was better.
we had so much to do:
herding oxen and ewe,
watching ibex have sex ? can't forget her!
"
"cuneated means ""v-shaped,"" like wedges.
that gave cavemen superior edges.
there's less to be feared
bearing arms engineered ?
spears and axes beat primitive sledges.
"
"i engarboiled the halcyon lake:
caused its glass-like blue surface to break
when i climbed its high bank
and disburdened my tank ?
took a leak that i just had to take.
"
"to screen for a cancerous condition,
a mammo[breast]graphic technician
makes sure that you're placed
in a way that you're braced
in a semi-reclining position.
"
"my complexion is gross.  i'm not bitching,
though it's reddish and oozing and itching.
eczematous? true.
but calamitous too?
i'm a witch, and to me it's bewitching.
"
"when arthritis attacks a joint bone,
one effect it may have is well-known.
all that joint degradation
may cause eburnation:
bone gets dense, worn and polished, like stone.
"
"her bedizenment aimed to impress;
instead it evinced ""tasteless mess"".
with sequins and spangles
and feathered fandangles,
she'd flounce in her furbelowed dress.
"
"drawn to cheese, a brown mouse heard a snap.
thus ensnared ? meaning ""seized in a trap"" ?
he'd one thought in his head:
""jeez, i ought not be dead;
 left my thinking at home in its cap!""
"
"soon the clear-shining moon swept the gloom
from night's shade, as it crept in our room.
bright yet soft, moonlight rays
cast a glow on your gaze,
setting passion ablaze, love abloom.
"
"for viewin' an organ's interia,
my endoscope's greatly superia
to cuttin' one open
'n' feelin' 'n' gropin':
i just look up the front or the rearia.
"
"lost my clipeus: round roman shield,
and i'm hurt.  should i die in this field,
find a crypt that's unique,
perhaps one that's oblique ?
even clipeate!  keep your eyes peeled.
"
"father john is a gem ? a great domine.
for next bishop he's laity's nominee.
he makes grits for the poor
served with syrup galore,
so they'll join hymn in sweet choral hominy.
"
"a chequerwork closely compares
tae a chequerboard's pa'ern o' squares,
or that fine tartan plaid
that ma auld heilan dad
wore when pipin' strathspeys and sweet airs.
"
"a numbnut geologist, ned,
cracked a crag with the back of his head,
thence finding profusions
of rounded inclusions
(or blebs) in the rocks, as he bled.
"
"all ghost towns evince spectral eeriness.
their dreariness drains all my cheeriness.
i need a saloon ?
and not later ? real soon!
bars and beeriness vanquish wraith weariness!
"
"two whalers from wales went a-sail;
watched a white whale's tail flail in a gale.
""when that whale blows 'er nose,
then we knows, 'thar she blows!'
trail her blowhole ? let's nail that pale whale!""
"
"controlled flight, they say, into terrain
is a sure way to screw up a plane.
you're just flying along
as if nothing is wrong,
and then? crash! ?all on board are chow mein.
"
"bob and faye are incessantly flirty.
are they doing the deed that is dirty?
having sex is no crime
for two virgins. it's time.
what the hell, they're both well over thirty.
"
"to the family, he tossed a black snake
made of rubber?a major mistake.
he felt wrath from these folks
and learned practical jokes
prob'ly shouldn't be pulled at a wake.
"
"arcimboldi (giuseppe) got looks
for his art, but i'd say that it cooks.
every portrait's a hoot,
made of veggies or fruit.
his librarian's made out of books.
"
"a barber was somebody who
once could do things a surgeon might do.
laws would later declare:
""stick to cutting folks' hair
and occasional blood-letting, too.""
"
"""your damn fingering stinks,"" ellen swore. ""play,
if you can, like the famed marine corps play.""
oh, thank god! it's my picking
at which she is kicking.
i'd thought she was dissing my foreplay.
"
"""i don't mean to be vulgar or crass,
but i'm proud of my statue's fine ass.
made of bright, yellow metal,
this dame's in fine fettle,""
said the brazier, a worker in brass.
"
"card-pitt was a team from back when
world war ii took the best of our men.
the steelers combined
with the cards left behind
and together they went 0-10.
"
"the cardinals, a team in st. louis,
in '06 brought a championship to us.
with the highest regards,
we all bellowed, ""go cards!""
while permitting the owners to screw us.
"
"a foot post delivered the mail
night or day, hot or cold, without fail
all on foot. it was slow
with no mail trucks, you know,
but that's not why we call such mail ""snail.""
"
"my mad hatter, my love, has no trust.
she dismisses desire with disgust.
should our passion start, she
sticks a hatpin in me,
and that damn pin sure dampens my lust!
"
"just one of an orchid's sex bits
is an anther, and here's where it fits:
in the stem's apex cavity,
awaiting depravity,
perfectly pleased as it sits.
"
"said my spouse about all the fine lines
on the side of the barn ? x-shaped signs:
""what you see that is crosshatched
is where the ol' hoss scratched;
dobbin's takin' to makin' designs.""
"
"""is there nothing, my dear, i can do
that would further endear me to you?""
""a modest erection
might gain my affection ?
a rose-covered cottage for two.""
"
"an eggwhisk's in some of my dreams,
as i'm into food punishment themes.
though to some it seems queer,
i get off when i hear
silent screams of beat eggs and whipped creams.
"
"""to draw curves that are perfectly round,
a compass is best,"" i expound.
""but to craft an ellipse,
i say nothing outstrips
this ellipsograph gizmo i found!""
"
"former fifer disliked his dull life;
lent his fife to his new fifer wife.
now his day's gay and varied ?
the artist he married
blows hot licks; new life's in his fife.
"
"i have many a pain ? there's no lack.
lots of parts of me feel out of whack.
when the doctor asked, ""where?""
i replied, ""here and there;
mostly dorsad, i'd say ? towards the back.""
"
"aspen fleabane: gold disk, showy head;
white, lilac, or pink (but not red).
my floral apotheosis
is e. speciosus:
drop a few on my grave when i'm dead.
"
"a rash acrobat penned a lim hymn.
tried to sell it, but sales? sadly, slim.
killed himself, madcap gymnast;
both as athlete and hymnist,
he went way too far out on a lim.
"
"i'm bored. let me look at the channel list.
well, here's a new show: credit analyst ?
solving the mysteries
of your credit histories.
and look! suze orman's a panelist!
"
"i'm sick of your nasty attacks;
affection's what this marriage lacks.
there now, i've said it ?
and don't you forget it!
please don't hit me (you old battle-ax)!
"
"for the apple and cherry and pear,
common crown gall's a blight they all share.
the bacterium's routes?
through the crowns, not the fruits.
so don't damage while tending ? take care.
"
"east by north, sir? for me, that's a breeze.
use a compass that's marked in degrees.
seven eight point sev'n five
to the east's where i'd drive ?
that's true, sir, for roads and for seas.
"
"an embellisher blazons his story;
cooks up details to add to his glory.
i like china unvarnished,
food plain and ungarnished ?
bedecking is ""bull ca-ca-tore.""
"
"to buttress the point that i'm making,
multitudinous tacks i'll be taking.
with examples galore ?
famous quotes, and much more ?
by the time i conclude you'll be quaking!
"
"on the barstool sat past-her-prime fran
who, attempting to sweet-talk a man,
with a wink said engagedly,
""i may act middle-agedly ?
but not in a van or sedan.""
"
"rabbi lev begged his wife, newly wed,
for unorthodox sex when in bed.
blushing basya, though british,
admonished, in yiddish:
""lev, kish mier en tochis ? drop dead!""
"
"if you want to get someone's attention,
click a cricket. this little invention
sounds sharply: ""click-clack!""
causing friends to think back
in a way that improves comprehension.
"
"dear, my cochlear problem, this hissing,
may be due to what we've been dismissing.
seems our foreplay erotic
breeds maladies otic ?
from aural, not oral, french kissing!
"
"the egyptians, with hand tools alone,
sculpted millions of blocks of cut stone,
carved to sizes exact,
to be perfectly stacked ?
such precision, 'til then, was unknown.
"
"the eidetic experience i had
was a death scene i saw as a lad:
the tableau was so real
i could taste, smell and feel
what i'd lived through before, scared and sad.
"
"an eolith (crudely shaped stone),
for some fifty-odd years had been known
as a pliocene tool.
but today that's not cool;
whosoever thinks that thinks alone.
"
"my echocardiographic conclusions?
you've had serial arterial intrusions.
from this vid i can tell
your heart's had a bad spell;
kindly quell your ""i'm well, doc!"" illusions.
"
"sis does everything most energetically ?
animatedly, nimbly, athletically.
unflagging, her verve's
far too much for my nerves;
told to chill, she makes ice cubes frenetically!
"
"eschewing the norms, the conventional,
our son is becoming descensional:
on a steep sinking slope,
thanks to drinking and dope,
his downslide is clearly intentional.
"
"when dentists buccolingually speak,
that's their lingo for tongue and for cheek.
(not the cheek that i sit on ?
the cheek my teeth bit on,
raining buccots of pain for a week.)
"
"in my lifetime i've had two epiphanies:
the day i priced gold rings at tiffany's,
and the very first time
that i heard bach's sublime
interweavings of fugal polyphonies.
"
"all last weekend i sat on my ass;
engorged junk food that sank just like brass.
glut result: constipation.
i took consolation
in trusting that ""this too shall pass.""
"
"elaborative guy? i'm the one!
adding details to stories is fun ?
i dilate and distend
till, at last, comes the end ?
although sometimes i never get done.
"
"a poet i knew had a whim
to fpxymqfv line five of a lim,
he had little success ?
screwed up, made a mess;
qyt fpxymqfvnfpa abhfpat efvf thyn!
"
"crew, that nudist's packed up; she's long gone.
back to business: it's time we sailed on.
steady, lad! even keel?
keep your hands on that wheel,
and first mate, kindly take the damned conn!
"
"my demonological fears
had their start at the age of six years.
father pfister insisted
my devils existed;
such censure, so twisted, brought tears.
"
"your company's scarcely endurable;
you smoke crack from a gold-plated thurible.
your b.o.'s gotten stronger ?
can't stand you much longer.
barely bearable, you are incurable.
"
"on the range where the buffalo roam,
stands a quaint hemispherical home.
there's not much to maintain;
it resists wind and rain
since it's domal ? yup, shaped like a dome.
"
"one enantiomer said to another
""my gosh! ? there's no doubt you're my brother!
we're the same: you can see
you're the mirror of me.
let's agree we've the very same mother!""
"
"when englishisms, sir, move beyond
our fair shores to your side of the pond,
such as twit, tweedle-dee
tally-ho! and high tea,
bloody yanks then with ""huh?"" oft respond!
"
"shun the dog hobble: poisonous shrub.
don't let pets use its leaves as their grub.
this advice bears repeatin':
""may be fatal if eaten!""
best beaten to death with a club.
"
"an enologist toured his ma's cellar
to test home-made wines with his smeller.
""mon dieu!"" said pierre
as rank fumes filled the air;
""dzeese bordeaux, she ees bad: i must tell 'er!""
"
"i don't want you to get a fond hope up
that today your sick body i'll dope up.	
i strongly suggest
we give drugs a day's rest,
and instead, 'neath my clothes have a grope up.
"
"a dispensative prelate from perth,
renowned lover of brew and of mirth,
allowed beer with the bread.
the excuse? ""well,"" he said,
""of blest wine here in perth there's a dearth.""
"
"carbon dioxide is mankind's great bane.
to reduce it will cause us some pain.
pumped in caves, we can squeeze it,
or plant trees to help ease it ?
sequestration's the way, that is plain.
"
"when light through two objects descends,
descartes' law tells us just how it bends.
one angle, two speeds,
and that's all snell's law needs
to determine the path a ray wends.
"
"on a walk in lark park one may day,
it seemed dog poop was blocking my way.
so i kicked the damn turd aside ?
committing (oops!) birdicide;
that turd was a bird, sad to say.
"
"collagenous colitis: what's that?
it's when poop runs like rats from a cat.
when my last diarrhea
discharged, mamma mia ?
lord knows where that stinky splat scat!
"
"to enumerate all of the ways
that liz loved, she eschewed any praise
of her darling, but counted
in verse what amounted
to listing the 'hows' of her craze.
"
"diamond jubilee time is now hea';
sixty yea's the queen's with us ? all chee'.
let us pray that she will
with her consort, prince phil,
lots more yea's at roy'l ascot appea'.
"
"on a cross-stone twin crystals have grown.
it's a curious cruciform stone,
neither colored nor bright,
with a shape that's just right
to give christians a ""rock"" they can own.
"
"my pole dance is gripping, enthralling.
but my parents opine it's appalling
that their daughter's whole goal
is to scroll round a pole;
being polish, i say, ""it's my calling.""
"
"fat aunt kay came to visit last may.
said, ""strip poker, boys? hey! lemme play!""
uncle joe yelled, ""whoa, whoa!
playing that card game? no!""
and he took our large ante away.
"
"to hammer on steel makes it strong;
since you can't pound by hand very long,
let mechanical means,
such as dropforge machines,
do the work while you sing henry's song.
"
"aegicranium? ram's skull, i've read;
made of marble, or wood, even lead.
used as column d?cor,
also quite useful for
building battering rams ? the butt head.
"
"from clapboards, no man gets the clap,
nor on them do human hands slap.
placed in rows on house walls,
they protect when rain falls ?
just make certain they all overlap.
"
"such a beautiful fishtail i drew,
with a notch that was one inch by two.
that made it emarginate,
but i had to enlargen it
for the fishy tale liars' review.
"
"what's a corneum? layer of skin,
on the outside (not middle or in-).
now please be advised
that it's keratinized,
dead or peeling, sloughed off in flakes thin.
"
"duodecimo sheets make twelve leaves.
here's the feat that the printer achieves:
he first four-folds each sheet,
trims three sides (must be neat!),
and then binds all in dozen-leaf sheaves.
"
"got an a from frau elsa last may;
her coy smile seemed to say, ""shall we play?""
so i undid my fly ?
then thought i would die;
she cried, ""zip up de doodah ? no a!""
"
"the ear of a deer's a deer's ear.
but it's queer ? there's an herb that comes near
to a deer's aural look,
yet will ne'er be mistook,
since it grows just in dirt, not on deer.
"
"egocentrism: i have that trait?
'tis a fact: the whole world knows i'm great.
but my rep you've now slurred;
since you're naught but a turd,
splendid moi you can not disinflate!
"
"what's a camelopardel? strange beast!
from three creatures' features it's pieced:
camel's head, leopard's spots,
ibex horns; you've got lots
of meat that's not used, so go feast!
"
"my catechizer brain-washed me well:
""sans repentance, you're bound for where?"" ""hell!""
well, i thought that she lied,
but now i, having died ?
what the devil's that sulfurous smell?
"
"until now i'd not heard of despisement.
i just learned what the word ? no surprise ? meant:
it implies detestation,
perhaps condemnation.
please take those, sir, under advisement.
"
"saw a sign, nudist beach, so i rushed
(in a dream) to the shore. i saw crushed
rowdy crowds of young lasses
not enclothed; they were asses
to asses, and bust (yeah!) to bust.
"
"effeminacy: womanish traits,
signs revealed by some gays (versus straights):
effete manner of walking
and grooming and talking
which to nature, not nurture, relates.
"
"my earnestness?  never in doubt!
zeal and ardor are what i'm about.
tasks smaller or bigger
i blitz with great vigor;
that's how i achieved eagle scout!
"
"sol crooned ""bubbellah"" soft in her ear,
told my rachel, ""there's bupkis to fear.""
consequentialness? oy!
nine months later? a boy.
sol's long gone, so's the joy; vey iz mir!
"
"though turner's not much of a learner,
as a turner he's quite a high earner.
when his boss bought new drills,
turner turner got chills?
""a bit slow, but makes dough,"" said boss werner.
"
"ben, i'm jubilant ?  finally denned!
in this rec room we're happily penned.
with a big-screen tv,
fridge and card table, we
can retreat from the world, my old friend.
"
"delectability: the crucial trait
i seek when a meal's on my plate:
delicious and savoury,
delightsome and flavoury?
what your cooking is lacking, ms. kate.
"
"as to verse, nothing's worse than enjamb-
ment.  a run-on verse line is a dam-
nable crime!  bards offend
when their verse is not end-
stopped, if anapest, free or iam-
"
"i'm exonerated now, and elated;
for weeks that fine jury debated.
once sentenced to die,
now ""not guilty"" am i.
see me cry? twenty years i have waited!
"
"a derodidymic serpent named fred
had two heads that would bite, and this led
to a fight every night
over who had the right
to this or that side of the bed.
"
"she sat by the sea, scanned the sky,
seeking sea eagles soaring on high.
asked why she so sat,
said she's paid to do that:
""simply erning a living, is why.""
"
"my true love, beyond doubt, is bodacious.
only problem: she's coy and flirtatious.
i forgive and forget
that she's such a coquette,
since her passion, she says, is insatious.
"
"fuzzy statutes may need a construal
if their meaning's unclear, or is dual.
oft contentious and grueling,
such interpretive ruling
turns attorney, at times, into fool.
"
"caput mortuum (english: ""dead head"")
is the alchemists' name (naught to dread!)
for the dregs that remain
from their trying, in vain,
to gain (how insane!) gold from lead.
"
"so what in the world is a dick test?
it's neither a prick, nor a quick test.
inject, wait one day,
see a rash, then it's a
""scarlet-fever-will-get-you-quite-sick!"" test.
"
"caput mortuum's made from the dead:
crushed mummies, for paint brownish-red?
paint from flesh and from bone!
so since that became known,
we've used mineral pigments instead.
"
"peers praised, with a standing ovation,
my deftness at decerebration.
that cortex removal
got lavish approval;
the patient withheld adulation.
"
"an elevator shaft: just what is it?
a spot you're not likely to visit ?
a vertical place
enclosing bare space;
hard to see?no disgrace if you miss it.

as architects certainly know,
lifts need space to move high and move low.
a designer's not daft
to give builders the shaft,
else the cab has, well, no place to go.
"
"i insist that my dancing-class master
assist, to resist dance disaster.
handsome lance: dance enhancer
and fancy-pants dancer,
grabs ass as he tasks me, ""dance faster!""
"
"dioristic? distinctive, defining,
like my eyes when they're edged with bright lining:
i use ocher and puce
and squeezed-beetles' green juice.
(the last when i'm out for fine dining.)
"
"dissatisfactory, sir, is your work,
poorly writ for a counting-house clerk.
see this line, robert cratchit:
did you write it or scratch it?
now cloak, sir, that impudent smirk!
"
"struck a drop kick but missed the drop goal;
foot got stuck in black muck in a hole.
what transpired? i got fired,
just because i got mired!
so now i'm retired, on the dole.
"
"i'm a guy, but i knit and crochet;
i was worried dad might think i'm gay.
but he said, of my double stitch,
""damn! you're in trouble, mitch ?
that stitch can't be knit in that way!
"
"my synonym homework's complete:
wrote a term for excess on my sheet.
  excedent  's the word,
though no one has heard
of it; likely it's long obsolete.
"
"wedding rings, emblematically seen,
are symbols on fingers which mean
endless love, i suppose.
selfsame ring through my nose?
that's an emblem on which i'm not keen!
"
"""time to bivouac, sir, captain harrison.
or would you prefer we engarrison?""
""the former, old sport ?
do you see any fort???""
""why, no sir, i don't.  how embarrassin'!""
"
"you are cullionly, truly despicable.
your rudeness to me? inexplicable!
you've wallowed in slime
for such a long time
(and so deeply!) you're now inextricable.
"
"i discovered your list, alphabetical,
and discerned certain names epithetical:
""father francis, the wuss"";
""pastor paul, pizzle-puss"".
bishop burms, are these terms not heretical?
"
"professor james dana of yale
blazed a mineral pigeonhole trail.
it's hard to surpass his
now-classic eight classes ?
he's a rock star we rock hounds still hail!
"
"executioners cannot be cowed ?
electrocutioner i, and quite proud.
my profession is thrilled
when a killer is grilled;
we just love that zzzzzzzt sound, long and loud.
"
"an illiterate worked in a mine.
paid by check, tough old lang ""done real fine""
til he tried to endorse
his first paycheck; of course
they accepted, perforce, old lang's sign.
"
"i've a normal dextrogerous clock
which goes, of course, tick, and then tock.
but i've hid a small coterie
of tock-ticks (levorotary),
which i keep in a box that i lock.
"
"editorialization: one's views
are presented, not solely straight news.
a reporter's dominion?
serve facts, not opinion,
and maintain the detachment some lose.
"
"i detect a proportion (direct)
between drink and hung-over effect.
after years of drunk merriment,
private experiment
proves what i've grown to expect:

it seems, when my drink is a double,
my head suffers two times the trouble;
if it's thrice that i tipple
my headaches are triple.
quadruples? alas, my brain's rubble!
"
"""efficient, effective: both needed!""
these words to my boss were not heeded.
""if i go fast as hell,
then i can't  do things well?
that's the reason we haven't succeeded!""
"
"my gall bladder grew (what else?) stones;
i felt pain all the way to my bones.
had a cholecystotomy
and cholelithotomy;
gone with the stones are my moans!
"
"for bill clinton, lewinski went dotty:
this transformed her from ""intern"" to ""hottie.""
together they plotted;
her blue dress got spotted,
cementing his guilt ? naughty, naughty!
"
"as a cattle herd grazes a crop,
now and then, you'll hear something wet drop.
did a cow take a whiz?
no, pee's not what that is;
that ""plop!"" is a bovine's brown flop.
"
"of green eire i ken but a smidgin,
and in gaelic discourse just in pidgin.
erin's songs i adore ?
so lads, let's sing one more
about whiskey or war or religion!
"
"she was born with three teats, one distendable.
when surgeons explained, ""that's not mendable,""
she said, ""call me a rube,
but i'd say a third boob
that's extendible's truly commendable!""
"
"as juan's ma churned sick cows' milk to butter,
her son's clap got much worse; heard 'er mutter:
""with juan sicker each hour,
and the butter gone sour ?
if it isn't juan's thing, it's an udder.""
"
"lem, my brother, who lives in our house,
pawned the diamond i'd bought for my spouse.
carboniferous stones
are good backing for loans,
but since lem hocked that gem, he's a louse.
"
"i was born with the assets essential
to achieving my greatest potential.
got a great education ?
the best in the nation ?
but i'm lacking life's strife experiential.
"
"my new physics text's hard, barely readable.
it says here there's a speed not exceedable.
amazingly so,
it seems nothing can go
any faster than light; it's unbeatable!
"
"i'm exultant; i cleaned up a mess.
i am joyful and proud of success.
employment's improving,
the stock market's grooving:
i, president, saved the u.s.
"
"i upbraided my sweet sister sue:
""you copy whatever i do!""
her response, with no tremulousness,
was foul-mouthed: ""my emulousness
turns you off? [bleep]hole sister, [bleep] you!""
"
"i like enterprising folks: they're ambitious,
often acting when timing's propitious.
their grit, guts and drive,
help make dreams come alive
with ideas that are bold and novitious.
"
"he said dissidently, ""stop, i object?
your premise is false, incorrect!""
he refused to agree
the cute suspect, marie,
was guilty of willful neglect.
"
"i explaterate: favor verbosity,
which engenders, from some, animosity.
i experience kindredness
with the endless long-windedness
of those practicing prolix pomposity.
"
"my last job nearly drove me berserk:
fanning sultans by hand (that's their perk).
then i clamped, on fan rotors,
electrical motors ?
changed amps to mechanical work.
"
"dermabrader: a surgical tool
used on skin to smooth scars. as a rule,
don't use shop tools for rasping
your hide ? you'll be gasping!
cheese shredder? no better, you fool!
"
"see my destituteness? i've got less
than a beggar: one drab threadbare dress.
my sole hosiery has holes
like my shabby shoes' soles,
and my odor's old cod, i confess.
"
"extermination? well, may i suggest:
use your vacuum to suck up a pest.
with aggressive maneuvers,
the family hoover's
a super remover ? the best!
"
"my bastel house is not the bastille;
still i feel our security's real.
we've thick walls, just one door,
and no stairs to our floor ?
for protection from reivers, ideal.
"
"a slut and i once got too close.
i asked doc, ""will you please diagnose?""
he said, ""son, your poor weenie
is turning gangrene-y;
you need an effective, huge dose!""
"
"i write crime essays (that's my fort?),
on why crookedness does really pay,
i'm on trial once again
for corruption, so when
i'll essay my next essay? can't say.
"
"flow gently, sweet menses will guide
those who over late monthlies have cried.
as the best of all xenagogues,
it lists rare emmenagogues
that stimulate blood flow inside.
"
"round our campfire, fibber mcguire
would draw ire for his guile as a liar.
when a coal took control
of his shorts, that was droll ?
""hey mcguire! your pants are on fire!""
"
"asked a nerd, ""so what's in the confinity
of your backwater town, chocowinity?""
""why, you're an odd bird ?
please define that strange word.""
the nerd replied snidely, ""vicinity.""
"
"to disculpate? free someone from blame.
the word exculpate means just the same!
some think it's absurd
to retain such a word;
others need it for rhymes, so they claim.
"
"disproportionately rude are all those
who mess with, in public, their nose.
these same think it macho
to scratch at their crotch?oh,
and brrrt any time they propose.
"
"an equerry knows what horses need,
reigning over each sovereign steed.
to the beasts and his royal
employers he's loyal;
his job i'd dub ""stable"", indeed!
"
"""mr. eastwood, here's all i can say:
your old brain has a fornix.""??""no way.""
""it's an arch with a crus;
in fact each one of us
has two crura.""??""you just made my day.""
"
"my wife, she's as fat as a sow;
and her weight's close to that of a cow.
but she's great in the kitchen,
and when you-know-what's itchin' ?
fantastic!  i can't say enow.
"
"an exorcisor's what you must find
if a demon's invaded your mind.
tell a rabbi, a priest
(or a shaman, at least):
""get that dybbuk elsewhere reassigned!""
"
"as his ""extracurricular activity"",
prof indulged his licentious proclivity.
he confessed to his wife
the affairs in his life;
thereupon he was left with vacivity.
"
"sex and morals? i treat them elastically.
for months i'll live purely monastically;
then a 10 will pass by
with a come-hither eye
and we'll romp, she and i, orgiastically.
"
"edwards syndrome: low birth weight, small head.
this trisomy 18 is dread,
causing gross malformation
and grave retardation;
near all babes, by age one, sadly, dead.
"
"there's a rule my dumb legions must learn:
""despoliation comes first, then we burn!""
when they plunder a village
they'll torch, and then pillage ?
they loot and they burn out of turn!
"
"there's a precept my legions must learn:
""despoliation comes first ? then we burn!""
when invading a village,
they torch, then they pillage ?
they loot and they burn out of turn!
"
"i bought stock on a tip: ""you can't beat it!""
got a margin call ? sold stock to meet it.
that caused a huge loss
for my firm; the big boss
said, ""i'm sorry, son ? you'll have to eat it.""
"
"when told heaven has all kinds of perks
(plus without being saved, hades lurks!),
i did all the math,
was baptized in a bath ?
renounced satan and all of his works.
"
"the kids are not dancing, they're texting,
chattering, tweeting or sexting.
everybody (that's all)
just ignores this great ball!
i hate smartphones.  i dread what's the next thing.
"
"elicitation requires stimulation
to cause a response: evocation.
give your toddler a toy
to unbottle 'er joy;
take it back to spur rage and frustration.
"
"the cyclostomes: eel-like and vicious,
they dine in a way that's malicious.
round mouths grab their prey,
sucking life force away.
cloaked in slime, they're repulsive main dishes.
"
"""qualitative data,"" ted read,
""do not focus on numbers, instead
may be facts or amounts
using words (versus counts).""
""how'dja sleep?"" ""not at all, in your bed.""

""quantitative data,"" he said,
""deal with numbers, which some people dread:
using measures and counts,
arithmetic amounts.""
""how'dja sleep?"" ""for ten hours, in my bed.""
"
"about one thing my girl's enthusiastical,
and it isn't her coursework scholastical:
she gets happy, excited
most pumped up, delighted
when doing gyrations gymnastical.
"
"there was blood on the floor ? it was rough:
tried godiva, chanel ? not enough.
my gal fought tooth and nail ?
but bright stones seldom fail,
and that five-carat ring did its stuff!
"
"in a cockfight, a rooster plays rough:
armed by nature, he's built tough enough.
two long cockspurs he grows:
these are backwards sharp toes,
to turn feathers of foes into fluff.
"
"her stained dress had the most evidentiary
weight in that ""crime of the century"".
since exhibit a-3
bore his dna, he
got life in a state penitentiary.
"
"the designator dished out a task;
it was one for which i did not ask!
 ""what you, son, must do
is to shovel the poo
from the regiment's loo; use this mask.""
"
"that ""no-balls-at-all ball"" was eventless.
with no action, it couldn't have meant less.
there are no men at all
who attend such a ball;
i resent these events that are gent-less.
"
"the enfeebled old fart speaks a lot
of his youth; back then, gals called him ""hot.""
now he's weakened, exhausted;
he bemoans that he'd lost it:
""the spirit's still willing ? flesh not!""
"
"in vain, i tried rhyming exasperated,
which i got when i failed with exacerbated,
which means ""made things much worse"" ?
but instead of a curse,
in a marching song verse i used mass-paraded.
"
"we would do it just twice: once at night,
and again as the morning turned bright.
then we heard a great song
that explained we were wrong ?
afternoon is just right for delight!
"
"the queen's hatter was so enthusiastic,
he gushed ? called his headwear ""fantastic!""
but his ardency died
when her majesty sighed,
""we are not, as a rule, into plastic.""
"
"expressionless, tightly controlled,
his poker-faced countenance told
not one whit how he felt.
none could tell, as we dealt,
if he'd raise, or stand pat, or just fold.
"
"polly proffers huge platters of endive:
bitter veg into which rarely men dive.
though that green's not a hit
for most guys, i admit
when i'm drunk into it i can then dive.
"
"work with plaster? your job title: plasterer.
alabaster instead? alabasterer.
in both cases, which one
is the first to get done?
he who's fast and then faster and fasterer.
"
"an accipitrary's work was once found
where a love of fierce birds was renowned.
on a leather-gloved hand,
hawks would take off and land.
no, these guys weren't just falcon around.
"
"bill the flatman (his name, you will note,
means he works on a flat-bottomed boat)
is a ferryman. he
may some day go to sea,
though the chances of that are remote.
"
"i'd say shepherd's a modern-day word.
over others it's clearly preferred,
like the one in line 5.
to clear speaking, we strive.
that's our goal now, or haven't ewe herd?
"
"empresarios here (usa)
brokered land deals etc. each day.
impresarios, though,
liked to put on a show,
for example a concert (uk).
"
"a delver got dirt on his britches,
since delve, the infinitive (which is
the core of that word)
means ""turn earth,"" so i've heard.
thus a delver's a guy who dug ditches.
"
"my great-aunt was a famed couranteer
writing news stories year after year.
were she working today,
i would venture to say
the word journalist likely she'd hear.
"
"though the use of this word has since ceased,
the term cohen had once stood for ""priest.""
could a cohen today
be a priest? i would say,
well, he'd have to be catholic at least.
"
"define cheese factor? ""dealer in cheeses.""
there's a merchant who constantly pleases.
i predict when i say
""i don't want cheese today""
as the moment when, over, hell freezes.
"
"so a chandler made candles? do tell!
and i bet that he sold them as well.
since today they are made
by machine, i'm afraid
to this job we must bid a farewell.
"
"an errorless priesthood his goal,
he avoided mistakes, on the whole;
except he obsessed
over porn, and confessed
to a dread of condemning his soul.
"
"most folks shun so-called ""singers"" who bellow;
they like euphony, sounds that are mellow.
ol' blue eyes: his crooning
(it's true!) had gals swooning ?
a tuneful, mellifluous fellow.
"
"as bj?rn treks northern norway's bleak tundra,
his problems are three. these conundra?
how'd he come to this pass?
why that pain in his ass?
can he jump this crevasse?
???????????????????????????????????????????????it's
 ???????????????????????????????????????????????one
???????????????????????????????????????????????hun
???????????????????????????????????????????????dre?
"
"wyoming, equality state,
was the first in the nation to rate
ladies equal to men
back in '69 when
women won the state's suffrage debate.
"
"as our priest made the case for salvation,
his passions arose; escalation
of tone and intensity
increased my propensity
to escalate sunday's donation.
"
"the old sultan's seraglio in munich
was in need of a trustworthy eunuch.
sans man's stones, i applied;
on arrival i cried,
""ich hab' nichts!"", and with pride hiked my tunic.
"
"the dead coxcomb was clearly maniacal ?
spent his paychecks on clothing dandiacal.
when that fop was interred,
'twas no shock i preferred
not to praise him nor be elegiacal.
"
"decomplex patterns i've found
in harmonics and echoes of sound,
in curled fractal designs,
in gnarled intertwined vines ?
where complex components abound.
"
"our singing's half bass and half yodel,
so our frequency curve is bimodal.
it's right up swiss alleys:
high peaks and low valleys?
you're not listening ? you don't give a bodle!
"
"there's just one thing i've got to pursue:
that new crystalline japanese loo!
made to coddle the arse, its
encrustation of glass fits
the number, whichever you do.
"
"at bleckco, vic labored with hector.
vic vetted hec's new cloning vector.
vic's transfection correction?
insertion perfection!
now hec is bleck's hi-tech director.
"
"emergency medicine can
be defined as the whole treatment span
from where trauma care starts
till the patient departs
the er ? at least, that is the plan.
"
"exaggeration is not what i do ?
stretch the truth?  can't do that ? it's taboo!
i don't brag, overstate,
overdo or inflate;
every urge to enlarge i subdue!
"
"what a true epoch-making event
occurred when that fellow, clark kent,
went airborne last night
and flew faster than light;
why, instead of returning, he went!
"
"i've acquired a crack reputation
as the kingfish of cryoablation:
killing cancer with cold.
scoring kudos gets old ?
i'd sooner cop top compensation!
"
"consolidation loan?  signed it today;
now those ten loans are one. so? hoo-ray.
i owe two hundred grand,
and with no job at hand,
hocked my wife's wedding band. rotten day.
"
"an epiploce figure might be:
""my good sir, you are dumb as a tree.
a tree? nay, a shrub?
less than shrub, just a stub.
sir, sharp studs, not dull stubs, are for me!""
"
"at the rear of the palace dispensary,
alchemists used a descensory
to bring to a boil
live frogs (for their oil),
never thinking such toil reprehensory.
"
"a democratist: who can that be?
a democrat, that's plain to see:
one voter: one vote
by one person. please note:
party dems use a capital ""d"".
"
"our son cursed at his mom from his room
as her tresses she started to groom.
still embraiding her hair,
she upbraided our heir
while i whaled on his butt with a broom.
"
"some believe that it makes sense to tether
schools in groups, just like birds of a feather.
educational parks
get from others low marks,
unconvinced schools work better together.
"
"eutrophication's occurred here again:
there's no oxygen. this started when
leachate flowed down that ditch.
now the bog's overrich
in plant nutrients, killing this fen.
"
"denunciative, blaming the nun
from the pulpit, he told what she'd done:
""you sold our best chalice
to buy you an alice
blue gown, and a night full of fun!""
"
"for my crack party, seems i was shy a gram;
got a map to a crack house to buy a gram,
so-called ""map"" was a hoot ?
lines and circles en route:
like an architect's rough bubble diagram!
"
"your breach is expellable; cheating,
it seems, is your way of competing.
we shall kick you out;
should we not, there's no doubt,
that behavior you'll soon be repeating.
"
"the most elevating sermon i've heard
touched a chord deep within.  every word
gave me courage to fight ?
despite my tough plight ?
for what i knew was right, undeterred.
"
"i discussed, at a great institution,
""innovation in ion elution:
here's the best way to wash
using solvents.""  oh gosh,
was i thanked for my great contribution!
"
"obama caved in. blues felt blue.
single payer was dead; what to do?
i took comfort from dad:
""he gave up, that's true, lad ?
but obama cares, child, for you.""
"
"the disreputableness of the judge ?
his bad rep ? was because one could nudge
verdicts this way or that
putting bribes near his hat,
in a box of rum-coconut fudge.
"
"at my first game of cricket at night
there was something amiss, just not right?
as i sat on the bench,
my friends saw me blench:
my face, like the ball, had turned white.
"
"i was hurt in a mishap vehicular.
all four of the cuneonavicular
bones in my tootsy
were bruised, so i put ? see??
much ice on that foot, in particular.
"
"i think emery paper's uncanny;
makes things smooth as the pate of bald danny.
i once caused a buzz
when i sanded the fuzz
from the chin of our family's nanny!
"
"i love letting blood?that's engoring.
i'm often with masochists scoring.
(there's not much dichotomy
twixt that and phlebotomy,
my hobby when life gets too boring.)
"
"epistolography? yes, i write letters.
hate dogs, but enjoy knitting sweaters.
i knit missives in stitches
on sweaters for bitches
in gaelic, to irk english setters.
"
"i really do not want to kvetch,
but your candidate's ""truths"" are a stretch
since he changes his views
with each turn of the news;
mr. etch a sketch makes me, umm, retch.
"
"claim the righteous, insistent, oft florally,
biblical teaching's right morally.
cocksure clerics decree
""christ's your savior!"" to me ?
decisively, sure: decretorily.
"
"he's dementate; his memory's gone.
to what's left of his mind he's withdrawn.
""god, i miss you, dear dad.
you were never this sad.
rock you gently to sleep, don't hold on.""
"
"a divorce leads to mass disarrangement;
the result of a couple's estrangement.
while wed, neither cared ?
all they owned jointly shared.
a decree now demands interchangement.
"
"my engrossment with gudrun you would
surely have, had you met, understood:
enthralling, entrancing,
delightful when dancing ?
i'd cling to her close, and feel gud.
"
"when my dockmackie bloomed, my ol' paw
said ""now, son, that there shrub's possum haw.""
maw cried, ""naw ? that's vahburn'em!""
those words! i can't learn 'em,
i'll grow 'em, but names i'll ignaw.
"
"is your prenup defeasible? yes,
though annulment's not simple, aunt bess.
his lawyer writes tightly;
we can't take it lightly ?
we'll void it next year, is my guess.
"
"told my abbot, ""i'm a bit enigmatical;
i've a loathing for all things prelatical.""
he said, ""are you serious!?
that's perplexing, mysterious!"",
then voided my annual sabbatical.
"
"politicians exhibit efflation:
puffing air. such long-winded oration
means blust'rous debate.
as their egos inflate
they blow smoke, with b.s. bloviation.
"
"edificial pertains to erections,
oediphicial, to sinful injections;
and from singer adored
then later abhorred,
eddie fishcial ? to spousal defections.
"
"my dandiacal friend was a fop.
during daytime a uniformed cop,
at night he'd dress sassy
and snazzy and classy ?
flamboyant fedora on top.
"
"my money was diffluent, flowing
away, but just where was it going?
in debt to my neck
'cause i borrowed like heck,
i don't know how much money i'm owing.
"
"i'm alive, but i knock on death's door.
i shall shortly be with you no more.
in parades of departures
we're, all of us, marchers,
in line behind others before.

when death's door opens wide, will i see
all the others who once used to be,
or see naught but abyss?
in truth, be it this,
back to brutish, short, nasty for me.
"
"in love and in tears the girl sat.
she a native, and he an expat.
he tried to explain ?
she cried, ""wife?  back in spain?""
their affair was no more, that was that.
"
"extremism?  well, that's the price ?
in defense of mouse freedom, no vice.
to achieve that, it's fine
to employ a small mine
to emancipate fellow lab mice!
"
"i say split, disunite, break in two,
based on color, the red and the blue!
of course that would neatly
divide us completely
in other ways ? namely, iq.
"
"my horse lucky became disobedient;
a whip was the missing ingredient.
so i beat him one day
till he stopped saying ""nay"".
'twas a potent, expedient expedient.
"
"i screwed up a chart type, a bubble;
my efforts i had to redouble.
i misfigured the size
of the spheres.  no surprise
that cube roots were the root of the trouble!
"
"my spouse is a ""perk-em-up"" trigger:
enlivener ? bringer of vigor.
she laughs and she jests,
she brightens dull guests;
folks get energized ? people sure dig 'er!
"
"those nights chu and her eskimo dogs
complete their tough exercise jogs,
those strong sled-pulling creatures
with lupine-like features
lie near her; they all sleep like logs.
"
"the distinguishableness of my vest
leaves all of my peers much impressed.
sewn with feather of goose
dyed fluorescent chartreuse,
my distinctiveness outshines the rest.
"
"excessive intoxicant drinks
can affect how the human mind thinks.
as a male on this cruise,
i imbibed too much booze ?
so now guys in pink shoes give me winks.
"
"on that infamous isle, chappaquiddick,
lives a hermit, his life eremitic.
some say it's pathetic
to be so ascetic;
not me ? as a monk, i'm no critic.
"
"""you've got throat cancer. how do we treat it?
an esophagectomy's how we defeat it.
it means 'excise the throat'"".
as doc doffed his white coat,
he said, ""son, that's the best way to beat it.""
"
"enticingly dressed for the part,
she beguiled him, their love-play to start.
then he gave her that look ?
""gotta study this book!"" ?
thereby putting the course 'fore the heart.
"
"enrobe me in ermine with pearls,
engarb me in raiment that swirls.
i only desire
the most fetching attire;
as a drag queen, i out-dress the girls.
"
"in the old days, they told jokes about
the professional baller, no doubt.
as a potter's assistant,
his job was consistent:
the clay he'd be measuring out.
"
"a band filer knew what to do
as a part of a gun-making crew.
was the filing by hand?
what was filed? what's a band?
i'm so sorry, i haven't a clue.
"
"ye olde bang beggar, back in the day,
a municipal big shot, would say
in firm terms to each clown
drifting into his town
just exactly how long he could stay.
"
"mother got me a job as a banker
since to deal with large sums i would hanker.
now i'm digging away
in a ditch every day.
""thanks a lot, ma!"" i said with great rancor.
"
"to a tollkeeper, two old men spoke,
a priest and a rabbi, both broke:
""our iguana just died?""
but the other replied,
""sorry, fellas. you're in the wrong joke.""
"
"(if you'll pardon the pun) bob, from prague,
was a barker who worked like a dog.
there his job was a pip:
they would pay him to strip
all the bark off of log after log.
"
"with a basil worker, what have we got?
it's a job name with mystery fraught.
this guy's workday begins
with dead animal skins,
but with basil? apparently not.
"
"""hey, battledore maker!"" this greeting
might be heard in the spring at a meeting
'tween someone like you
and that sharp fellow who
made those things to give carpets a beating.
"
"i'm a bead piercer, one of those guys
who takes beads and, regardless of size,
drills a hole through each one.
lord, this isn't much fun!
oh, my butt! oh, my brain! oh, my eyes!!
"
"i'm a beatster. to drift nets i tend,
though replacements i might recommend.
should you want one that's new.
i can make it for you,
if big bucks you are willing to spend.
"
"bathybius: thought for a time
as life's source, a primordial slime.
huxley pled to a goof,
once convinced by the proof
that his slime was far short of sublime.
"
"i state sadly, with ample authority,
that fate lies in exteriority.
i was born with plain looks;
as a rule, my goose cooks.
ugly ducklings to swans? the minority.
"
"dick's decentness couldn't be bought:
respectable, moral ? we thought!
then they caught him in bed
with that teen druggie, fred;
dick'd done what he shouldn't 've ought.
"
"every year when we go on vacation,
we relax doing diphthongization.
so what do we do?
change one vowel sound to two.
aberration? we call it creation.
"
"an example of expatriation
will serve as that word's explanation:
""an azerbaijani
becomes an irani.""
as you've gathered by now, it's migration.
"
"you're a beauty in late adolescence.
your skin glows with a pale erubescence:
a blush on a rose.
you're the girl that i chose ?
of all maidens i've met, the quintessence!
"
"seemed the cosmos was coming asunder;
with a constant, al stopped it.  no wonder
when expansion proved true,
einstein said, ""i eschew
cosmological constants: gross blunder!""
"
"an explicator's one who takes pains
to make plain.  thus she clearly explains:
makes complexity sensible,
the arcane comprehensible,
and from jargon and argot refrains.
"
"""this strange church is a boat, you will note.
once a warship, this church ship afloat
where we'll worship tonight
is our churchship's new site,""
i said breezily, rocking the boat.
"
"old dan was our station's dalmatian.
recalling his first conflagration,
as the flames billowed higher
he hosed down the fire
with the tool used for dog urination.
"
"if dispersion of group population
occurs due to, say, emigration,
the resulting emergence
of genetic divergence
has a name: allopatric speciation.
"
"i've gone everyplace i've wished to go ?
to all regions, save one, as you know:
i've wished from the start
to visit your heart,
but wishing does not make it so.
"
"the encirclement, nearly complete,
was a portent of looming defeat;
surrounded by sioux
all around them, they knew
they'd been doomed by a traitor's deceit.
"
"an expiator says, as a start,
""i acknowledge my sins."" if he's smart,
he will then make amends
since he knows that that sends
a firm message: he's changed mind and heart.
"
"the edifying nature of pain
is how my tough dad would explain
the harsh beatings i got:
""this'll teach you a lot!""
what i learned? don't get caught, that was plain.
"
"i can't help all the whining and sulkiness
in response to your largeness, your bulkiness.
but at seven foot three
you're the converse of me ?
i'm too wee for incredible hulkiness!
"
"a bloke and his bird toured south wye
as a sightseeing bus came on by.
""want a char-?-banc ride?""
he inquired. she replied
with a blush, ""no, just two ? you and i.""
"
"the plant known as elephant's-foot
shows its tuber ? a jumbo-sized root.
should you lug it downtown,
don't let it fall down;
i did, and my foot was kaput.
"
"""just had coffee and banoffee pie!""
""made of what?"" asks my wife, with raised eye.
""bananas and cream
and some toffee ? a dream
of a pie!"" is my happy reply.
"
"as her tears flowed with no explanations
but babbling, i vented frustrations:
""your excess lachrymosity
and streaming verbosity?
torrents of mad exudations!""
"
"empedocles: first to declare
that four roots (earth, fire, water and air)
mixed by love and by strife
brought the universe life ?
told in rhyme, in ""on nature,"" with care.
"
"as a way to tag leaves (how they're nerved),
that curvinerved word's well-deserved.
just for leaves, quite specific,
this term, scientific,
means ribs and/or veins are, well, curved.
"
"your omentum protrudes through the wall
of your abdomen? that's what docs call
an epiplocele, which
can be truly a bitch;
so if surgery's counseled, don't stall!
"
"abstract music is grating. agree? so
don't play it for me is my plea. no
inharmonious junk
but thelonius monk ?
or me, singing ""o sole mio.""
"
"a craniodidymic piglet named ben
developed a lecherous yen
to bonk gwen, a young oinker.
no way he could boink 'er ?
""two heads are too many!"" squealed gwen.
"
"in case that you still haven't heard,
an old word meaning earth is, well, erd.
i thought that the word
i should rhyme with is turd,
but my ma said preferred is preferred.
"
"my folks say they're due an apology.
i switched majors to learn erotology:
that's the 'science' of love.
maw said, ""heavens above ?
you were sent there to study geology!""
"
"a huge roller just happened to flatten
old brutus, my pooch, in manhattan.
'twas nuts to invest
in a burial chest;
a box file worked best, 'graved in latin.
"
"i accept eucharistic conviction.
i believe that there's no contradiction
when bread and red wine
coexist with divine
jesus' body and blood; it's not fiction.
"
"when pain caused my fall from a ladder,
cystourethrography showed my poor bladder
encysted and stoned.
pebbles passed, as i groaned;
now i'm stoneless and groanless and gladder!
"
"a depository receipt greatly aids
foreign company stock exchange trades.
often packaged in blocks,
they are sold just like stocks,
and like them, risk-reward grows and fades.
"
"""one may pick one's best friend,"" i have penned,
""and may pick one's own nose"" ? augh! ? ""no end.
but what isn't suggested,
unless so requested,
is picking the nose of a friend.""
"
"zero, cipher, love, nought, duck's egg, nil;
zilch, zip, nowt, aught and ought, if you will,
all mean nothing to me;
i've a letters degree ?
doing maths makes me mentally ill.
"
"galway's always on time. what a boy!
he loves what he does; work's his joy.
he is careful, polite,
at all times a delight,
an exemplary type to employ.
"
"sometimes craterization of tissue
is required when infection's an issue.
told my doc,  ""i can tell
you depressed my flesh well;
were you one tad less ugly, i'd kiss you.""
"
"our teacher, the dismal miss dissel,
insists that we learn this epistle ?
know by heart every page,
else she gets in a rage
and refuses to signal dismissal.
"
"express warranties (ones that are stated)
guarantee that your purchase is rated
to perform as agreed.
that's just what you may need
if they lied and it sucks and you hate it.
"
"alectryomachy (cock-fighting) courts
are where roosters spill blood, say reports.
although some folks are thrilled
with ""it's kill, or be killed"",
i find it the foulest of sports.
"
"oh, i  miss you, my child, too soon gone.
watched you blossom from duckling to swan.
your beautiful face,
your heart filled with grace ?
now god's love takes your place. i'll move on.
"
"i ask questions wherever i go.
i need factual answers, just so
my questioning's sated.
no way to debate it ?
my enquiring mind needs to know!
"
"the eleutherodactylus frog
is tiny, a bump on a log.
the most well-known, coqu?,
sings low-high. it's true he
lives in crannies and grottos, not bog.
"
"broke the pot in your yacht at the dock, bill;
have it glued and just send me the crock bill.
dropped head first off the bed,
legs up over my head
and aslant, as when yards are acockbill.
"
"it's an evening of opera?my choice,
for productions, but, oh, for the voice.
the libretto?the book?
rarely grabs me. my hook
is the music. in that i rejoice.
"
"disagreeably: that's how i cook?
if you think i'll agree you're mistook!
food's unpleasant, offensive?
my reaction's intensive ?
you'll be lackin' my cookin', sir brook!
"
"armalcolite? ? mineral rare.
to get credit you had to be there;
a brave guy on the moon
scooped it up (with a spoon?).
here on earth, there is little to spare.
"
"a contingent (it lurks) liability
is a prudent accounting utility.
when a loss is potential,
most think it essential
to show it; that's fiscal civility.
"
"my gal gert bought a gecko named burt.
gert fell down and crushed burt in the dirt.
so when gert got an echogram,
burt got a geckogram ?
flatter, was burt, but unhurt.
"
"we were cautioned (but no one could halt us)
that our gold mine was largely cobaltous.
you'll be paid (rumour's true!)
in co, not au.
bought it cheap, so we ask, who could fault us?
"
"what the deuce do i mean by a deuse?
it's a fiend: neither real nor abstruse.
yes, a deuse is a devil!
and that's on the level ?
rarely heard, as the word's in disuse.
"
"an ill child was enisled in his room,
isolation compounding his gloom.
then a magical gift
gave his spirits a lift,
sent by someone, but none could guess whom.
"
"i evitate (circumvent, shun)
a religion that says it's the one
and the only true path.
i'm for logic and math.
so the proofs that they have? they have none.
"
"a bodle (or bodwell), you'll note,
is a coin once worth half of a groat.
it's of scottish design.
do you want to see mine?
it was found in caerlaverock moat.
"
"adviceful means ""full of advice"".
i've got lots, but i always think twice
before handing it out
unrequested. i doubt
that unasked-for advice cuts much ice.
"
"from a bird a mosquito takes flight
straight to you, and it takes a big bite.
but if inside that bite is
horse encephalitis,
survival might be your next fight.
"
"that enquirer asks many a query,
while she probes and she pries, calls one ""dearie"".
she's overly nosy
while making one cozy ?
she's shifty; beware and be leery!
"
"i deliquiate, melt, i confess,
when i see you ? i just deliquesce.
why the sweat that i'm in?
'cause you're handsome as sin ?
can't believe you're not gay! i'm a mess.
"
"from a rummaging binge in the attic,
i learned, love, we two are enatic.
you're the son of mom's brother ?
we share, dear, mom's mother.
a bummer!  i'm less than ecstatic.
"
"never love an expatriate, you'll,
as a native, end up as the fool.
he'll return home again,
and leave you in pain ?
such behavior is heartless and cruel.
"
"she was filled with excitement, sis was;
she had moxie and brio and buzz.
so the feud was bare-fisted
when mother insisted
her date for the prom be our cuz.
"
"though a shelf lock's a lock for a shelf,
an elflock's secure in itself.
this strange question i've got:
when my hair's a tight knot,
is it not a knot tied by an elf?
"
"the ends of cramp irons are bent
at right angles. these strips can prevent
brickwork falling apart,
since we know when falls start
even more bricks will join in descent.
"
"an electric arc furnace is needed
for getting a charge quickly heated.
to tell you the truth,
i once arced a tooth
and, in melting my fillings, succeeded.
"
"the bossman said, ""butz, you're a klutz!
all your butt welds are bad ? they're cold-shuts.
but that's not at all news;
half your welds fail to fuse.
just redo 'em ? no ifs, ands, or buts!""
"
"""i disconsecrate this church,"" said the priest.
""no more serving the most holy feast.
the building's been sold
as a brewery, i'm told,
so instead of blessed bread ? brewer's yeast.""
"
"i tend to get truly ecstatical
when i crack a tough nut mathematical.
when my proof turns out right,
i go wild with delight;
when i'm wrong, my behavior's uhh?radical.
"
"eschaton:  time's end, judgment day.
i fear that it's not far away.
if it's near, then it's clear
i'll cashier my career ?
and change gears to no work and all play.
"
"since learning about them, my goal
is to chow down on brown english sole.
these pacific northwest fish
are praised as the best fish ?
true trenchermen swallow 'em whole!
"
"our blustering cowboy's been bested;
went ""all hat and no cattle"" when tested.
when indicted, got rattled
and found he was saddled
with crap in his chaps when arrested.
"
"""desultoriness: state that i'm in.
i'm more aimless than ever i've been.
i'm slapdash, erratic
and unsystematic,""
he said, randomly sipping his gin.
"
"wrote this lim on a whim, i admit;
each line's exiting letters are it.
now it's writ, i submit
within it there's no bit ?
not a nit, jot nor tittle ? of wit.
"
"toward exequial settings i lean ?
the interments and elegies scene.
how i love to shed tears
seeing caskets on biers;
on sad viewings, i'm 'specially keen.
"
"mighty theropods, stalking the land,
caused their prey to make tracks in the sand.
they shoved saurs in their maws
with cyclopean claws ?
deinocheirus means ""terrible hand""!
"
"eastern cottontails sport bobbin' funny tails,
but here's one of my not-quite-so sunny tales:
see that hawk in the sky?
he maintains a sharp eye,
and then aims for their hoppin' white bunny tails.
"
"""our great culture, of course, is superior;
theirs, we insist, is inferior!""
from ethnocentricity,
war and duplicity
follow, from motives ulterior.
"
"dependent variables? ponder son russ.
with no job, he still leeches on us.
class, in maths, they are ys;
the result of what lies
on the right of this sign: ""="". let's discuss.
"
"we're in love and we lost track of time,
so we're late, sir. [those kisses? sublime!]
though those words sound ""excusey"",
have mercy on lucy,
for true love extenuates crime.
"
"lacking, from birth, aggressivity,
i loathed fighting and martial activity.
it took no persuasion
to seek draft evasion
in line with my ""peace, man!"" proclivity.
"
"for once i'm excusably late;
i was zapped by the finger of fate.
first, i got a flat tire,
then i stepped in deep mire?
now my pants are on fire?  that's just great!
"
"your tardiness happens a lot.
excusable? no, it is not!
my attitude's hardened,
forget being pardoned ?
you're fired right now, on the spot!
"
"exemplarity shows in your mien.
your behavior's the best that i've seen.
you're a model cadet
i will never forget;
you'll become an outstanding marine!
"
"you take flying too far ? stop it, soon;
you're a loon in that hot air balloon!
your air-mindedness? yea!
but air-headedness? nay!
balloons just can't fly to the moon!
"
"asked my physicist friend on our date,
""you're a 'joule', would you care to conflate?""
she gave her decision:
""elastic collision ?
let's conserve all our ergs, and not mate.""
"
"met a beauty in school, her name's julie.
i lust for her constantly, truly ?
so much, that i drip
in excess from my lip;
she coos, ""dude, it's not cool to be drooly.""
"
"our job, chemotaxonomically speaking,
is to classify proteins. we're seeking
to study amino-
type acids so we know
their structures: it's called sequence peeking.
"
"encephalic gray stuff in one's cranium
is treasured like gold or uranium.
humans made gains
from incredible brains.
try to buy 'em? they're plain ""unobtainium""!
"
"those fungi that grow inside roots?
endotrophic: with roots in cahoots.
the opposite kind
pays the inside no mind ?
ectotrophic, they've outside pursuits.
"
"her deviousness sure is a hoot.
she tells whoppers ? then worse ones, to boot!
she tells lies with a smile
'til she's trapped in her guile;
bamboozling's her life-long pursuit.
"
"from the hudson on up to lake erie,
she'd pull barges, though cold, wet and weary.
that gal, our pal ginny ?
a hell of a hinny ?
just died; we canallers are teary.
"
"mary said,  ""what i need is a poke.""
i replied, ""is this some kind of joke?""
""john, i'm not talking sin ?
the poke pigs might come in,
not the poke your lewd mind might evoke!""
"
"line one of a limerick must strive,
with line two, to bring interest alive.
if line three's blah or crappy,
then four must be snappy.
epiphonema? the punch line, line five!
"
"political debt limit dealing
exacerbates negative feeling;
on days when debt's raised,
frugal pols will get crazed ?
like the debt, watch 'em go through the ceiling!
"
"i execrate pols, with great sorrow.
i curse lefties who spend just to borrow,
and damn righties who'll seize
on the creed ""just take these
two tax cuts and call me tomorrow.""
"
"ecumenically?  that's how i'm thinking!
excepting, of course, when i'm drinking;
the more that i souse
then the more i espouse
my religion, without even blinking.
"
"a c?nocyte (nucleate mass)
comes to pass (per cytology class)
when a nucleus, splittin',
picks one cell to sit in;
mitosis has run out of gas.
"
"microscopic, the cell organelle
called endoplasmic reticulum? hell,
i won't say any more
i know i'm a bore ?
and you're glad, i am sure, there's the bell!
"
"i once owned a mini dispatch box,
no bigger than, say, a large matchbox.
couldn't fit long dispatches,
plus lacked locks and catches ?
worked great as a cockroach egg hatch box.
"
"english runner bean: long, with blooms red.
cut half-inches? delicious, it's said!
so let's sing a loud chorus
for phaseolus multiflorus ?
the best thing since british sliced bread.
"
"hey lady, relax!  want the facts?
seems your blossoms are barren of bracts.
i've been lookin' for hours
for growths neath the flowers;
they're ebracteate, ma'am, to the max.
"
"""ms. diane is renowned for prediction;
endowed fred is an expert in miction.
when famed meteorologist
weds meaty urologist?""
(that's a blurb from my book, which is chiction.)
"
"with definiteness i shall speak:
there's no doubt that my future is bleak.
if i can't find a john
i can soon sit upon,
i'm quite certain that something will reek.
"
"my gal val done me wrong, took a groom.
so i sentenced them both to their doom.
tried to shoot 'em both dead ?
aimed my colt at 'er head,
but she bolted clear outa the room.
"
"exceptionalism, voiced by us yanks:
""we're the greatest!"" we always give thanks
to our god we're the best
in the world; all the rest
of the states march in far lower ranks.
"
"our autarchic oppressor gets worse;
my sore outrage i'll no longer nurse.
spilling blood, bearing pain,
i shall topple his reign ?
yes, this villainous despot everse!
"
"i give lectures on how a plant weaves
distichously structured plant leaves:
double rows on stems' flanks
arrayed neatly in ranks ?
wondrous symmetry nature achieves.
"
"fast express rifles greatly enhance
hunting kill rates.  oh my, such romance ?
take one shot, yell ""amen ?
one more head for the den!""
does big game even stand a slim chance?
"
"to enlighten his catholic flock,
the old pope sent his bishopric bloc
an encyclical letter ?
mere drivel, no better.
parishioners called it a crock.
"
"the professor quite eruditely spoke.
he once told this recondite greek joke:
""seems a bawd, yclept thalia,
could strum, inter alia,
the cithara, plain or baroque...""
"
"the pastor said, ""please sing along
with my epicede (funeral song).
the chorus is this:
you're a rat we won't miss,
burn in hell, where we know you belong!""
"
"this affliction's ecdemic, no doubt:
it comes into our state from without.
with its wheezes and sneezes,
this evil disease is
egregious, and taxing to rout.
"
"epitomizer: one who abstracts
the essence of volumes or tracts.
though authors may pout
at their good stuff left out,
it's just ""no sir, no nuance. just facts.""
"
"to expulse simply means to expel,
to drive out.  there's not much more to tell.
a satanic example
is certainly ample:
expulsement from heaven to hell.
"
"elasmosaurus, long-necked and piscivorous,
had sharp teeth, though he wasn't omnivorous.
had you happened to check
as he thrust his great neck
you'd've said, ""what the heck! lord, deliver us!""
"
"my wife and her small entourage
create scents in a vacant garage.
they spend numberless hours
stealing scents from fresh flowers
using odorless fats: enfleurage.
"
"i believe in dark spirits ethereal;
in the mornings, my diabaterial
gift to the gods
to improve crossing odds
as a rule is hot gruel or dry cereal.
"
"i expurgate content too raw,
like a pup in a crocodile's maw.
i redact the indecent;
the worst of the recent
involved what a pedophile saw.
"
"i'm an aussie; i told my mom one day
i might marry a pongo palm sunday.
""is a brit, do you think, mum,
the right bloke for a dinkum?
will i rue that i wed that pom monday?""
"
"your attitude's lax, complacential;
that's not, my dear, inconsequential.
those skills that you've got?
should you let them all rot?
you'd be wasting amazing potential!
"
"as for me, ocean air's eudemonic:
a salve for the soul, a sure tonic.
the littoral breeze
that i find by the seas
brings relief from malaise that is chronic.
"
"we humans love airy creations,
concocting etherealizations.
we perceive unreal heroes;
exposed, they're plain zeroes,
upsetting our high expectations.
"
"i judge art by my spectrum esthetical.
on the left of the scale is emetical  ?
the kind that is bilious,
truly quisquilious;
on the right's the sublime, the poetical.
"
"my big bottom's become an expanse,
a broad surface that stifles romance.
i can't take a chance
i'll split open my pants ?
gone from salsa to waltz, or ""don't dance"".
"
"an estuary, experts agree
is where rivers get wide, meet the sea.
bounds are hard to define;
for the thames, a straight line
from north foreland to harwich? search me.
"
"enceliopsis, a sun-loving plant,
is called sunray by my tucson aunt.
i sowed seeds in my yard,
but they died; the earth's hard.
in alaska, some plants you just can't.
"
"heard a sound, low, not clear, a dull thud.
the duck came to a halt; what a dud!
this gal had no shame;
when i checked out her name,
what i saw was: ol' stick-in-the-mud.
"
"i explained, in a long exegesis,
to my nephews as well as my nieces,
why e.t. made me mad.
that dumb flick? just an ad
for that candy-shelled sweet, reese's pieces.
"
"two quite similar words can be cryptic.
the first, born of math, is elliptic:
""resembles ellipse"".
number two's from eclipse:
what pertains to orbs hid is ecliptic.
"
"see this dry poppy capsule i found?
its pistil is compound, and round.
i am greatly bemused
by its carpels so fused,
as it shakes out its seed on the ground.
"
"your shorts are exhibitory, tight,
so your privates are public, all right.
lass, you'll cause too much stir
when you greet your new sir;
don't go genital to that good knight.
"
"expectation ? its sense mathematical
i teach in a manner socratical:
 ""it's a mean that is weighted ?
let's hear that debated!""
students learn at a rate that's dramatical.
"
"if on down-sized cheap housing you're bent,
forget that decrepit old tent ?
there's a great place to go
to keep housing costs low;
my gazebo, you know, is for rent.
"
"the affordable care act enacted
had millions of people impacted.
blues thought it solutional;
reds? unconstitutional ?
but just one part must needs be retracted.
"
"expressure's the word we're addressing.
can you tell what it means, with some guessing?
well, here's a refresher ?
related to pressure,
it once meant ""the act of expressing"".
"
"i adore my new girlfriend, eliza.
so i gave her today a surprise ? a
bouquet that had lots
of tall orchids with spots.
oh, the genus? it's dactylorhiza.
"
"escalope is a french-sounding dish
of thinly sliced meat, even fish,
that i cooked in wine sauce
for my spouse's big boss;
it's delish with my limburger knish!
"
"in an equivoke, words deftly phrased
have two meanings, like ""cabins were rayzd?"".
raised high, or razed low?
only heard, you don't know.
(even worse, try ""the pitcher was crazed""!)
"
"his cornice complete, john called mabel.
""kane done with that damn corbel table?""
said mabel, kane's mother,
""john, unlahk his brother
kane cain't work alone ? he ain't abel!""
"
"oh my darling, let's not start to dine
till we toast both the three and the nine.
their divisor is three;
that makes them, you see,
commensurably fine. try the wine.
"
"enemata:  enema's plural ?
a meaning that i'm very sure'll
not be a surprise
to those language-wise
who played word games, vice sports intramural.
"
"you have corporature now; i can feel
the warmth of your body ? you're real!
all these years, so it seems
you lived only in dreams;
now our love with pressed lips we will seal.
"
"to avoid vietnam, some would say,
""you can take me, but hey man, i'm gay!""
to be classed as ""exempted""
is what they attempted;
today being gay is ok.
"
"i've learned naught everlastingly lasts.
sadly, all that we know from our past's
doomed to wizen and die.
so unending? a lie!
what a sepulchral shadow that casts.
"
"something shaped like a man isn't manned.
something shaped like a can isn't canned.
but a man surely can
make a shape like a fan,
and things shaped like a fan are, well, fanned.
"
"this split's equitableness clearly's in doubt;
leave me out? i ain't just gonna pout;
either treat me right fair,
pard, and divvy up square,
or that good eye o' yours i'll shoot out!
"
"from the lab came a loud, happy scream:
her new clastogenic regime,
it turned out, was no joke;
that large chromosome broke ?
she'd achieved her genetical dream.
"
"that damn leaf mold was epiphytotic!
twenty acres of plants, all narcotic,
my gang lost in the fight
with so sudden a blight ?
i myself, overnight, got neurotic.
"
"diapason: harmonious sound
that fills listeners' ears all around,
from an organ (how grand!)
or a well-tempered band
up in heaven, st. peter's home ground.
"
"i said, ""gosh, we're so hungry, let's nosh
on that hook-shaped gold veg, crookneck squash!""
so we squished it and squooshed it:
with maize and meat mooshed it,
and called it, for fun, ""corn beef smosh!""
"
"a cross-rate we calculate when
two exchange rates are known; if so, then
a bank's currency scholars
might multiply dollars
per euro by euros per yen.
"
"it was fateful, the day that i met you ?
predetermined that someday i'd get you
to be my dear wife
for the rest of my life;
my disfigurement didn't upset you.
"
"in flat eye-oh-way's corn fields, they say,
a corn-binding weed's on display.
round the stalks, you might find
bindweed tightly entwined
until killed with a herbicide spray.
"
"we've a surfeit of what's called engrossed bills:
those passed in one house. these days most bills,
i'm sad to report,
gain just one side's support;
so they die and become just plain ghost bills.
"
"uncle jack was by trade a custodian.
this custodier cleaned what was grody in
his house, for his wife,
the great joy of unc's life;
what a good mood that put my aunt rhody in!
"
"""you're too loud when you sing,"" said wife joyce,
""choose me, or the sound of your voice!""
now i bounce my bass calls
off my bathroom's bare walls;
echo chamber was, yes, a third choice.
"
"rugged iceland's got rocky terrain ?
hence its tractor glut. let me explain.
exaration's quite slow
(that's plowing, you know)
when it's hindered by so much moraine.
"
"an exhauster's a pressure reducer;
jean bought one to make her bowels looser.
it didn't work well;
so i thought, ""what the hell ?
the next time she's tight, i'll just goose 'er.""
"
"she so deprecatively, sneeringly, eyed me,
great resentment soon boiled inside me.
yes, i was dirt poor,
but was no slutty whore;
i deserved the respect she denied me.
"
"i am drunk, i am having a ball. see
me pin a young miss to a wall. see
me slide my sly hand
far beneath her bra band;
see me find padding added ? a falsie.
"
"epidemiologists learn how disease
can transmit through the masses. then these
epidemic-trained pros
diagnose and propose
based on specialized field expertise.
"
"a snuggled-up sniggler, concealed,
smuggled elvers in pies, unrevealed;
the sniggler kept sniggling ?
eels wriggling, him giggling ?
when prompted, ""please keep your pies eeled!""
"
"epicondylitis: bone/tendon inflamed.
the bones' owners will often be blamed:
they play golf or play tennis
too much; they're the menace.
often cortisone shots get it tamed.
"
"""your mastiff has chased king john's deer;
clip his balls or his claws, dear.  i fear
there is no time to meditate ?
you must expeditate!""
""right-oh. fido, old chap, do come here.""
"
"crown imperial, friend, is a lily
and a march by a tunester named willy;
now my memory's dim? oh,
it's also a limo!
these crowns do abound, willy-nilly!
"
"now to where is that not-too-bright cat headed?
he likes to chase gnats; guess he's gnat-headed.
a cat chasing gnats
he can't catch isn't bats;
he's just stubborn and dumb, plainly fatheaded.
"
"all that dirt has built up over time ?
it's accretionary. that is why i'm
today offering this prize
to just one of you guys ?
the one who removes the most grime.
"
"enanthematous sores hurt like heck ?
my deep crater's a pain in the neck.
make that ""pain in the cheek"";
there are times i can't speak.
quickly fix it, doc, here's a blank check!
"
"the idea ancient hero once had?
the first steam engine! boy, was that rad:
fill a vessel with steam;
and through jets let it stream ?
the eolipile rotates like mad!
"
"this bierstube's food is regrettable,
its sausage in no way expetible;
it looks and smells bad,
the worst wurst that i've had
in a year ? very close to inedible!
"
"in a manner determined by fate
(that is, destinably), dustin's my mate.
i was dating his brother
when connie, their mother,
confided, ""that son's second rate.""
"
"for the latest in medieval wear,
try a short sword that's curved ? there's one there.
if swords are your passion,
that falchion's in fashion ?
the choice of combatants who care.
"
"in her nightie, jack's wife fit too tightly.
said sprat, ""i do not say this lightly,
nor cruelly nor meanly:
eating fatly, not leanly,
is why i stopped you-know-what nightly.""
"
"a fautress? a feminine fautor:
benefactress, a female supporter.
one such paid for this dorm
which, for her, is the norm.
(that's ms. briggs ? big on bricks and on mortar.)
"
"of our factory farming i boast.
that's the way that our firm gets the most
from the hogs we abuse.
peta saw what we use
and they scourged us from pillar to post.
"
"explanandum? it's what needs explaining,
like, ""why cats and dogs when it's raining?""
what's more, explanans, sir,
refers to the answer
the asker has hopes of obtaining.
"
"folks insisting a third teat's unneeded
(""expendable!"") later conceded
that third one was handy:
trips meg, marge and mandy
each ""bon'ed appetit"", unimpeded.
"
"my boss sue asked a sharp lady auditor
to determine if i had defrauded 'er.
that gal didn't fail ?
i get mail now in jail.
both the judge and the jury applauded 'er.
"
"of the water types taught in this course,
which for plants is a usable source?
is it chresard plants drink?
or echard, you think?
chose the latter?  you backed the wrong horse!
"
"dad, i warn you: do not use that stranger
as your regular money exchanger.
his rate is so bad,
you'll be mad you were had!
stick to banks to avoid rip-off danger.
"
"jesse dressed in a ""fairy-tail"" way ?
far too fancifully garbed, i would say.
too-tight jeans, looking fruity,
showed off his patootie;
fringed accessories capped his display.
"
"that judge was as firm as can be:
""you're a slick-talking court returnee.
i give you no quarter,
you lying exhorter;
your suasions and prods won't sway me!""""
"
"your favourableness, that is, suitability,
(and i say this with zero hostility)
is not right for my scheme ?
you have dragged down the team
and reduced its required agility.
"
"many thanks for your thoughts adminicular
that my car noise was extraarticular
(outside of a joint).
even more to the point,
a good lube solved my problem vehicular.
"
"hoped my girl would be rarin' to go
to a fabulous full nudie show.
i assumed titillations
but she damped expectations
by saying not ""no"" but ""hell no!""
"
"as we strolled on the strand, i shrieked, ""myrtle!
a leviathan leatherback turtle!
dermochelys: no shell,
oiled skin serves them well.
she seems fatter than hell ? guess she's fertile.""
"
"hans and gretel, collecting rare plants,
had their breadcrumb trail eaten by ants.
antsy, worried, afraid,
sweet young gretel, scared maid,
was anxious, with ants in her pants.
"
"my epistemological thinking
came about on the day i was stinking-
ly drunk. was that knowledge
i'd just learned in college
all valid? i just kept on drinking.
"
"an artist was asked to ensample
her art, to show kids by example.
she quickly agreed ?
""sure, how many you need?""
""it is just a small class, so ten's ample.""
"
"extispicy (guts divinations)
tops the list of defunct occupations.
reading entrails of mammals
like bulls, sheep (or camels?)
would cause ""rights"" groups to air protestations.
"
"i'm in love but i wish that i weren't,
'cause the last time i really got burnt.
he got yes  to his pleas;
what did i get?  disease!
what an std lesson i learnt.
"
"in a bar in okay, oklahoma,
that cystic lymphangioma
acted up in my neck.
those lymph growths hurt like heck,
so i drank till i sank in a coma.
"
"what you haven't yet done's unbelievable!
what i asked you to do was achievable;
though those tasks were effectible,
your work's undetectable
and accomplishments barely perceivable.
"
"bought an eyebar, i thought, but my friend
said, ""your eyebar's not real, it's pretend!
charlie, your  bar's a tiebar ?
but my bar's an eyebar
with eyes at both this and that end.""
"
"outer beauty ephemerally lasts;
fleeing swiftly, to sleep in our pasts.
but one cannot outgrow
inborn beauty and glow;
how the inner with outer contrasts!
"
"i just punctured a brown english sparrow
with a delicate avian arrow.
all its flesh now i'll glean,
and its bones i'll pick clean;
but  tomorrow i'll savor its marrow.
"
"there's a matter i feel i must broach:
we must exprobrate nate, the head coach.
he needs that rebuke ?
his approach makes me puke;
crummy coaching deserves our reproach.
"
"there's a guy that's obnoxious at work ?
a conceited, smart-alecky jerk.
he combines that bigheadedness
with a stubborn pigheadedness ?
he thinks he's much more than a clerk.
"
"nabokov, in memorabilia,
professed loving a teenager, liliya.
such liaisons clandescent
with maidens pubescent
are labeled as ephebophilia.
"
"endoparasites make fido squirm;
no dog wants an intestinal worm.
to find them, what's best
is a fecal float test,
so their presence a vet can confirm.
"
"a blue-blooded brahmin i found
looks so regal, her face pale and round.
in a pic on her table
she's dressed in lush sable
and coroneted ? royally crowned.
"
"evenhanded, am i, to a t.
my rulings have never, you see,
been anything but
equipondious; what
partiality is, isn't me.
"
"""for my lap dances, sailor, i'm fabled ?
twenty bucks and my skills are enabled.""
when i offered a ten,
she sneered, ""jerk ? think again!""
just like that all her motions were tabled.
"
"deliberateness: that i pursue.
haste makes waste, and so here's what i do:
first i study, then think,
take a nap, take a drink,
toss a coin, and thank god that i'm through.
"
"to a harem he once was invited.
he acted extremely excited,
in fact, giddy with joy,
till they pruned that boy's toy ?
and with that, he was far less delighted.
"
"since attributive adjectives go
in front of the noun (purple snow),
when they're stuck in the predicate
(poor was his etiquette),
they're predicate adjectives, no?
"
"the people of interest to me?
unbowed ?migr?s, those forced to flee.
by those tough ones i'm fascinated:
uprooted ? deracinated ?
like dad, a bereft refugee.
"
"it's apparent to us, but not you,
you're as needed as poop on a shoe.
the two of us feel
you're a classic third wheel ?
your extraneousness screams, ""say adieu!""
"
"i think i shall fall on my sword;
i've a yearning to get deeply gored.
i shall not lose my nerve ?
cause it's death i deserve;
plus today i am utterly bored.
"
"i delimited hope, my teen daughter:
set a boundary, since last night i caught  'er
coming home way too late.
tonight's curfew is 8 ?
hope hope learns from this lesson i taught 'er.
"
"a stray bullet affected my gait
when it damaged an end plate. my fate:
the membrane was shot,
and it hurt quite a lot;
so my walk's weird and wobbly of late.
"
"old exclusiveness rules are appalling;
to blacks, jews or females they're galling.
strong legal activity
blocks exclusivity;
longstanding hurdles keep falling.
"
"i erroneously thought she adored me;
in fact, it turns out, she abhorred me.
it was such a surprise
when she kneed (hard!) the rise
in my jeans; despite cries, she ignored me.
"
"evangelistic is he, to a t;
he keeps pushing his faith onto me.
so i say, ""reverend jay,
every day i do pray ?
that you'll soon fade away. let me be!""
"
"i'm an evildoer, that's what i am;
i'll perform wicked acts on you, ma'am.
you'll see, when i'm done
i'm a conscienceless son-
of-a-bitch, cause i don't give a damn!""
"
"take my word, and be visceral-wise:
if the thing you are trying to prise
is the food from last night
that's stuck a bit tight,
eccoprotics are what i advise.
"
"the stoned pilot would oft go aloft in
the craft that he bragged he'd got boffed in.
as he poked, the bloke joked,
as he sniffed, quaffed and toked ?
but got high way up high once too often.
"
"an elite, discreet brahmin (bostonian)
married well, to a titled etonian.
then he lost all their wealth
and she suffered bad health.
so the change to their lifestyle? draconian.
"
"our battalion was sundered and scattered;
that dispersedness certainly mattered.
we couldn't unite
to put up a good fight ?
now we're shattered and battered and tattered.
"
"dolly handles complaints most sagaciously;
with snap and dispatch ? efficaciously.
never rude, never cross,
for kind words at no loss;
dolly does things so well, always graciously.
"
"with you, unlike hank, i feel strangled,
so from you i must be disentangled.
i must get disinvolved;
when our fling is dissolved
i'll be free to accept what hank's dangled.
"
"it was i who expressed a grand zit
from my cheek during class, i admit.
though 'twas flawlessly squoze,
forthwith my face froze;
mr. pfister's red nose had been hit.
"
"we reside where the buffalo roam.
strong cacodorous scents fill our home.
our deer (antelope too!)
do what large mammals do ?
thank the lord for phil's phumigant phoam!
"
"prismatic is epidote's habit,
which you'll see later on in the lab. it
(well, this one) is green,
and opaque; but i'm keen
on transparent ones. see that rock? grab it!
"
"a detestable piglet named hamet
stubbed a toe; told his ma, ""now exam it!""
ma said, ""it might be
your toe b."" then said he,
""it's toe b, or it's not toe b, damn it!""
"
"when excited, electrons will change
their energy states, which sounds strange.
as you may have suspected,
such emissions, detected,
are displayed in a full spectrum range.
"
"a capital offense? not mysterious:
it's dastardly crime, one most serious.
you would once lose your head;
now you'll simply be dead ?
healthwise, punishment most deleterious.
"
"since a deerlet's the smallest of deer
(it's a chevrotain, greer, let's be clear),
then a starlet? small star.
a scarlet? small scar.
and a beerlet? ignore, it's small beer.
"
"my wife drives me nuts, i could deck 'er;
a big spender, she drains our exchequer.
we're in england, in dutch
and in debt far too much:
she's become a superb budget wrecker.
"
"""didactylism sucks!"" midgey fidgets.
""i hate it ? i'm missing three digits.
not numbers, but toes
disappear when i doze.
so what goes?  heaven knows ? lost at bridget's???""
"
"the engine's what powers a ship
and moves it along at a clip.
just where can one view it?
the engine room, hewitt.
that's where diesels can make a ship rip!
"
"urging usage of more and more things
is consumptionism, which with it brings
excess borrowing, waste,
reprehensible taste,
and the fiction we'll all live like kings.
"
"our candy-pull team is a dandy,
co-managed by brandy and randy.
they never pull taffy
at beach-side. ""that's daffy ?
shore candy sure's handy, but sandy!""
"
"do catalyzers analyze cats?
of course not, how ludicrous that's!
they will cause a reaction
yet change not a fraction;
such as yeast does to must in my vats.
"
"we blithesomely joined the green fad,
gaily gifting a volt to our dad.
now our folks, they feel loose ?
high-priced gas? no excuse.
they say, ""let us rejuice, and be glad.""
"
"to compose a morose epicedium
can brighten one's torpor and tedium.
i myself have an urge
to create a sad dirge ?
one not overly mournful, just medium.
"
"chrysolophus: genus of pheasants.
two dead goldens i once got as presents
from friends whose bird kills
showed their great hunting skills.
this sport equally thrills lords and peasants.
"
"the problem that one can on frank pin
is losing his water pump's crankpin.
his better half's burning ?
their pump is not turning;
""i'd rather,"" says she, ""lose our bank pin!""
"
"my farsightedness? that drives me mad
as my vision, for close things, is bad.
but i can, from afar,
spot that neon-lit b?a?r ?
as a drunk, for that blessing i'm glad.
"
"he's beetle-headed: stupid and dull.
on intelligence tests he scores ""null"".
when he shakes his bald head
side-to-side, it is said,
something rattles inside that void skull.
"
"i caught that armadillo last fall:
c. truncatus, the smallest of all.
a pink argentine fairy
i call ""pretty mary,""
unlike some, can't roll into a ball.
"
"our ethically-challenged big boss
showed no morals in handling his loss
'cause he used clients' dough
as his own. this i know:
it's a rip-off i stumbled across.
"
"reverend jenny is now an ecclesiast.
she once stripped, but was not an ecdysiast.
she worked, she has said
in a farm-produce shed;
she stripped pea pods, an expert chick peasiast.
"
"bought a frolicking dog, named him rover.
he'd cut capers all day in the clover.
now he's gone; i'm to blame ?
called his name, a car came
and then bump! as my pup runnethed over.
"
"eonism: acting female-ish ?
males flirty and dainty and frail-ish.
thus salebrous? not!
muliebrous? yes, hot!
so illecebrous, pretty, and pale-ish.
"
"here's a royalty check i'll encash
(change to bucks) from my books. they're a smash.
about scandalous nuns,
they are making me tons ?
how sales jump when the church calls 'em ""trash""!
"
"dade had ants in his pants ? was excited ?
for that knightship that he'd been invited
to receive, but too late.
fate stepped up to the plate;
he dropped dead ? dade would never be knighted.
"
"as to avian pie: not sure why,
when they're baked, blackbirds simply won't die.
but i do get bemused
since they oft get confused;
these two dozen sang ""cottleston pie.""
"
"so the days of the tyrant did wane.
his vast despotat shrank; his domain
was encroached by ex-slaves.
when his knights joined with knaves,
that his power was ending was plain.
"
"things nonsensical some call fadoodles ?
like bowties constructed from noodles,
or hats on fat cats
that yowl and yell ""rats!""
or pink poodle-shaped hot apple strudels.
"
"doc told jack that his growth did encyst ?
an incipient cyst doc had missed.
""it's a sac, jack, a fact,
black with gook ? must extract.""
in vernacular prose, jack was pissed.

jack, incensed that the sac was encysted,
insisted doc simply had missed it.
""sly shyster"" sam sawyer,
jack's malpractice-ing lawyer,
tried suing, then ceased and desisted.
"
"ancient (archae) bird (orni) form (thoidies)
it's a name that's among longer woidies.
from a fossilized head,
one thing certain is said:
archie's one of the smallest old boidies.
"
"eosphorite's color? rose pink:
with the coral of dawn it's in sync.
hon, i'm truly fanatical
for crystals prismatical
made of manganese phosphate ? ;) ;).
"
"here's a cumulative frequency clue:
if a's frequency's equal to 2,
and b's equals 8,
then these numbers summate:
you accumulate 10. easy, true?
"
"the vet gave his sad diagnosis:
i suffer from dermatophilosis.
i got that disease
from my cute ewe louise
doing something with her that, well, gross is.
"
"the modulus of elasticity
i'll define, with succinct specificity:
divide stress by strain.
was that hard? there's no pain,
but beware of its seeming simplicity!
"
"creeping woodsorrel's penalty's steep;
should you sow it and grow it, you'll reap
just a bothersome weed.
you'll have done a dumb deed ?
grown a lawn that you won't want to keep.
"
"by pressing a character key,
control actions with codes you can't see.
there are times you need two
to tell apps what to do;
there are many, a whole potpourri!
"
"a six-wheeled amphibious truck,
colloquially known as a duck,
travels roads, and it floats.
tires deflate on these ""boats""
to avoid getting stuck in the muck.
"
"here's an etiological thought
as to why this disease i have caught:
i stopped in for two nights
at abodes with red lights;
it was more than quick love that i bought.
"
"i ate fruit from a poisonous tree;
so i'm sicker than hell, as you see.
cyanogenic stuff bleeds
from inside apple seeds
that i chewed on; it's murdering me.
"
"the surgeon was terse and emphatic:
""i don't want to get over-dramatic.
the problem is what's
twixt your liver and guts ?
in other words, enterohepatic.""
"
"my concern with god's creatures entomical
relates solely to things gastronomical.
my pastries are thrilling,
with bugs for the filling ?
though some deem that loathsome, not comical.
"
"all this scratching is no bed of roses.
my skin's got dermatomycosis.
doc's careful inspection
shows fungal infection:
a dermatophyte's his diagnosis.
"
"our national parks are secure
because of the work of john muir,
who found it intolerable
that ""nothing that's dollarable
is safe."" thanks to him, they've stayed pure.
"
"okay, yes, i shall be deglutitious
and swallow this stuff, per your wishes.
but your cod liver oil
has started to spoil
and smells even more like dead fishes.
"
"today he feels epithumetical:
sensual, horny. pathetical ?
says he ain't done
having sex. ninety-one,
and his fun-thing is still energetical!
"
"i'll say this ? and i'm very emphatic ?
with schmeck's tech drawing skills i'm ecstatic.
detailed graphics and charts
show how all design parts
are related; he's diagrammatic.
"
"to the guys on the factory floor,
mr. bell yelled, ""you must produce more!
don't just stare at the scenery,
run your machinery
twice as fast, else ? out the door!""
"
"how eurhythmic your snoring, so pleasing,
interspersed with your coughing and wheezing ?
such harmoniousness
and euphoniousness,
with a beat you can't beat!??sigh, just teasing.
"
"my new dance-master teaches a faster
class of dancing, which i'll learn to master
with my double left feet,
which will help me compete
for the trophy called dancing disaster.
"
"my bra holds two friends i love dearly.
i call them, endearingly queerly,
bosom buddies.  it's true
that my spouse loves them too ?
takes 'em out for fresh air when he's beerly.
"
"i holed up in an unheated quonset,
near connecticut's grand cockaponsett
state forest one summer,
but left (what a bummer!)
because of that autumn's cold onset.
"
"""since i cut the dog's tongue, mrs. young,
your poor fido's been acting high-strung.""
""not the tongue of my hound ?
i meant weed in the ground!
that's the worst-ever snip of the tongue!""
"
"our old mohel is gone, and we miss 'im.
the new one? nisht gut with his brissim;
his unorthodox snips
take much more than the tips ?
i advise it's not wise off to piss 'im.
"
"an embroidery frame has two hoops;
it holds fabric for stitchings and loops.
i make sewing mistakes;
when i do, that's the breaks ?
but i always yell ""darn!"" (not just ""oops!"").
"
"fred took pence to the bank in his town.
but the bank didn't care, turned him down.
the cashier shook her head,
and, disinterested, said,
""on such wee p. accounts we banks frown.""
"
"there's a nappy i buy for dependableness;
its absorbency merits commendableness.
all day i rely
on deny to stay dry;
i'm quite high on its great user-friendableness!
"
"the word desolative: that's what they use
to describe war's true toll, in the news.
hamlets burned to the ground,
not a soul to be found ?
land laid waste, with despoiled, barren views.
"
"i committed excommunicable sin:
i aborted my baby within.
i was young, i was scared
and for life unprepared;
now the guilt and church censure begin.
"
"herb's the unsung young hero among us
whose crotch itch cure extirpates fungus.
his stern ultimatum?
""kill eczema marginatum
with tincture of stinky mundungus!""
"
"desulfurization's the way
to make flue gas or oil o.k.
there's a surplus of s?
there must be a lot less;
this refinement step clearly does pay.
"
"edentata all suffer defeat
when essaying to munch on red meat.
with no canines/incisors,
apprise my advisers,
fat bugs are their closest 'meat' treat.
"
"watching beautiful her climb the hill
from his vantage, he gets a cheap thrill.
that's not real satisfaction.
he's plagued by inaction:
not tried for a date, never will.
"
"the astrophotographer said,
""all those star pics i take overhead
are no good for my back ?
sacroiliacs crack!
so tonight, on my roof goes my bed.""
"
"he was told that the shrimp were deveined,
but a lot of the gut tract remained.
""it's abhorrent to skimp
on the cleaning of shrimp!""
whined the gourmand, his face looking pained.
"
"a fantastico ? what might be that?
sci-fi flick? high-tech car? cocky hat?
it's a person, bizarre,
whose extremes go too far ?
a ridiculous, weird sort of cat.
"
"an end-rhyme, to ease the suspense,
is a rhyme at line's end, miss hortense.
many poets will fiddle
with rhymes in the middle,
but rhymes at the end make more sense.
"
"dendrocolaptinae, insectivore bird,
includes fifty-some species, i've heard.
a tree-climbing creature,
these woodcreepers feature
long bills (not so long they're absurd!).
"
"your exclusionary rule is unfair:
none shall enter whose head sports green hair.
i spy orange and blue ?
you should let me in too!
if you don't, i shall sue you, i swear.
"
"went to school to learn trucking and shipping:
teacher poor, tough exam, tension gripping.
got a ""pass"" and encouragement
'cause i knew what demurrage meant:
a charge when truck schedules are slipping.
"
"the commensurateness of your dress
for a bride, is a stretch, i confess.
your taste's rather bizarre.
you have gone a tad far ?
just a skirt and a bra? no finesse!
"
"last night i fell foul of the law.
drew a saw from a drawer to kill maw.
i was born to be bad ?
i'm the worst lad dad had.
mauling maw with that saw? the last straw!
"
"your tastes are effrayable, frightful;
i saw you take bite after biteful
of putrified plants
with their worms, bugs and ants ?
grubby grub, which you found so delightful.
"
"dysmorphophobia? that is my fear
of deformity (physical), dear.
my body's my charm;
should i lose leg or arm,
even you might not want to come near.
"
"though for months i have been on the verge,
now's my strongest confederative urge:
i dreamt that the fates
said, ""combine single states;
buy your rings, get your mate, go and merge!""
"
"what is making doug nuts? ugly bugs
that are snuggling beneath all his rugs.
neither cuddly nor huggy,
they drive dougie buggy ?
evoking from him yuks! and ughs!
"
"his extemporal speech (one not writ
in advance) really stunk, all admit.
said an anguished advisor,
much older and wiser,
""do that again, friend, and i'll split!""
"
"i'm a mocker, i am, a derider
of this jerk they brought in, an outsider.
i speak with derision,
of his indecision ?
that guy's no solution provider!
"
"of course i'm a bitter old grump.
and why? i was played for a chump.
on the day we were wed,
""i'll stay skinny!"" you said.
now you're all fattened up ? tubby-plump.
"
"your dissentany posture's confusing.
as your boss, i don't find it amusing.
you act contrary to
whatsoever we do;
that behavior i can't keep excusing.
"
"the enforcer got great satisfaction
from the act of extracting exaction.
but for all his perfection
collecting protection,
they whacked him ? for skimming his fraction.
"
"all manchester's now painted blue;
aguero and dzeko came through ?
escapologists par
excellence. qpr?
defeated ? the red devils too!
"
"decussatively shaped: like an x,
the last letter in words such as sex,
and a rating convention
attracting attention ?
xxx has on men strange effects.
"
"much encouragement ? hope and support ?
we received when we took him to court.
we were far too ambitious;
despite those best wishes,
our award for his tort fell far short.
"
"i adore you, my beautiful spoon worm;
i'd travel for you to the moon, worm.
i find, echiuran,
you're strangely allurin';
with love that's endurin' i swoon, worm!
"
"somewhat mushy i am, i admit:
touchy-feely, with ladies a hit.
amorevolous (loving),
with joy turtle-doving ?
though to males i'm a bit of a twit.
"
"what an enfant terrible's marie.
she's the cause of my loss of esprit.
she is gauche, so outr?e,
mes amis, what to say?
we're enduring her changement de vie.
"
"the enunciator, frye, stated clearly:
""all these barrels of beer very nearly
are dry."" ""were this my
bar that's dry, i would die!""
cried sir guy on his horse, cavalierly.
"
"magisterial, edictal, stern,
the tough judge said, ""a deaf ear i turn
to this last mercy plea,""
at which louts danced with glee,
chanting, ""burn baby, burn baby, burn!""
"
"it's a curb roof ? two slopes on each side.
there are two that are common world-wide.
one's named gambrel, one mansard;
i hope that i've answered
your roofing inquiry. i tried.
"
"blades of cut-grass are tapered and thin;
their hooked edges can catch and slice skin.
when i sat on it bare-assed
i fled from it ? tear-assed!
since some float in mats, don't fall in.
"
"euclid sired euclidean space,
where a parallel ""rule"" made his case.
einstein proved gravitation
creates perturbation;
al's case for curved space we embrace.
"
"i love egosurfing: truly a hoot.
on the net it's my best-loved pursuit.
so go googling, amigo ?
the bigger your ego,
the louder the horn you can toot!
"
"my glove got ensnarled, all entangled.
the gears grabbed my arm; it got mangled.
i screamed as though crazed;
i was brutishly raised
off the floor, and i writhed as i dangled.
"
"i bought epilator cream to take care
of removing superfluous hair.
its bottle was blue ?
my shampoo's? it was too.
now i use wigs and glue ? my scalp's bare.
"
"we final consumers complain
when a thing seems designed to cause pain.
all those trick safety caps
and too-thick plastic wraps
drive us end-users nearly insane.
"
"ad hominem arguments teach
that the speaker's at fault, not her speech ?
such as ""sue, you are four-
eyed, a gingerish bore!"";
that's when discourse has sunk beyond reach.
"
"an ensemble's a group of matched things:
a quartet that plays music or sings,
an assemblage of parts
used in visual arts ?
or my gold lam? outfit that clings.
"
"my paramour left me; i pined
till i found me an oak, the ""write"" kind,
where i carved, ""lorna moore ?
what a slut and born whore!""
there her name and her shame are enshrined.
"
"since my tales demand horror and fright,
i elucubrate fiction at night.
i shun incandescents
and also fluorescents
to write in a dim candle's light.
"
"have you heard of the word encyclopedist?
it's a job; one i think is the neatest!
to explain every branch
of man's knowledge, most blanch;
you can't do it if you're a defeatist.
"
"i'm mohammed of moproducts co.
brother noah owns  noproducts co.
brother colin's no dunce ?
makes two products at once,
as sole owner of coproducts co.
"
"i'm a swede. i addressed a collegian
who hailed, i could tell, from my region:
""for a dane, you're quite kempt!""
the guy glared with contempt
and disdainously said, ""i'm norwegian.""
"
"when you handle our newsletter screenings,
show expurgatorial leanings.
to keep father happy,
elide words like crappy
and those with risqu? double meanings.
"
"infections i purposely spread
via germs, causing folks to drop dead.
plus, for me a great thrill
is the fear i instill:
epidemiological dread!
"
"i discrepate liars, it's true,
always singling out phonies like you
from those telling the truth.
besides that, you're uncouth;
so depart ? your adieu's overdue.
"
"i'm empassionate, strongly affected,
and gripped by the fact i've detected
the opposite word ?
and yes, this is absurd ?
is impassionate.  how unexpected!
"
"our exclusivism doctrine appalls
idealists, but we've had the balls
since about '62
to forbid any crew-
cutted hippie from walking these halls!
"
"laura always wants more.  so she craves
what others have got, and behaves
like a covetous witch.
that envying bitch
steals the flowers from relative's graves!
"
"the state of awareness and knowing
is cognoscence, friend. so, if you're going
to be one who succeeds
give your mind what it needs:
education, to keep knowledge growing.
"
"the coat of a spore, somewhat thickish,
is epispore's meaning.  too quickish?
don't know what a spore is?
well, here's where the door is ?
can't deal with your head, it's too brickish.
"
"i've decided to rot, decompose,
and offend every sorrower's nose.
it's my choice, my embalmer,
to stink.  please get calmer ?
a corpse shouldn't smell like a rose.
"
"she's endurant: year in and year out
surviving a spouse who's a lout,
hateful kids, crazy mother,
ungrateful sick brother,
a house that caught fire ? now drought!
"
"my scrivening just came a cropper.
i'm told capital offense ain't spelt proper.
""that's a capital offence!
fine: one pound and eight pence ?
plus it's off with yer head with me lopper!""
"
"it's a shame you've not spent your life well;
where you're heading, i clearly can tell:
towards a well-heated room
of perpetual doom ?
your true tomb, everlasting, in hell.
"
"cystinuria's cystine in pee.
sister gloria happens to be
born (nay, cursed!) with that ill
for which docs have no pill;
best drink water daylong, all agree.
"
"now enlace these strong strands, that's the plan.
after making that cord ? yes, you can! ?
just produce a stout noose, les.
you cooked your own goose, les;
in truth, you're a useless old man.
"
"i'm despondent, so down i've lost hope.
i acted at work like a dope:
yelled and stuck out my tongue.
now for sure i'll get hung
out to dry ? and i gave them the rope!
"
"at the annual clothing convention,
one seller got extra attention.
her product? short scanties:
exiguous panties ?
an unmentionable vital to mention.
"
"your cornea's sick; it is wise
round the ulcer's whole rim to incise.
this delimiting keratotomy
is no iridotomy;
your iris is fine.  dry your eyes.
"
"crossing-over's the swapping of genes.
growing cells can display what that means:
equivalent snips
of chromosome strips
interchange, though they're packed like sardines.
"
"""i shall no longer destinate, choose,
a life foul, filled with floozies and booze!
i'll accept wine and bread
from lord jesus instead ?
his good news!""  said my wife, ""that's good news.""
"
"the fatiloquent nurse, born prophetic,
said, ""should you ingest this emetic,
i predict you will vomit
as fast as a comet.""
cometic? oh yes. not esthetic!
"
"my gardening friend, anastasia,
knows all about herbs like euphrasia,
used for treating the eyes.
her book's called (no surprise!)
healing herb-growing: don't let it faze ya.
"
"frankie fetus, near full-term in mummy,
checks his gonads, and thinks, ""what a dummy!
it's such a disgrace
that they're in the wrong place!""
he moves testes to scrotum, from tummy.
"
"the crook's pitch left us dazed and defenseless:
""this investment is damned near expenseless ?
won't cost you a dime!""
what came next was his crime ?
hiding fees. how could we be so senseless?
"
"the equipaged king was soon lodged,
and his horses and carriage garaged.
he had bourbon and brie
at a quarter past three
when his majesty's bum was massaged.
"
"i had ordered two blackbirds last spring,
then my larderer gave me a ring.
seems the order went through
duodecuple two,
so we baked blackbird pie for the king.
"
"decortication? for that, dad had zeal.
at the end of a family meal
he indulged his pursuit,
which was skinning round fruit ?
he could do it in one spiral peel.
"
"this decorticator works very well.
it removes outer layers to shell
the fall harvest of nuts;
with no ifs, ands or buts,
all the labor it cuts rings my bell!
"
"a duchess i'd otherwise cherish
is light-skinned and pale ? that is, fairish.
what wrecks that perfection
of english complexion?
her makeup ? too caked and too garish.
"
"debilitated, bing is worn out
and depressed, with his sex life a drought.
bing meets ting from hong kong,
sings love's song, bangs her gong;
now bing's proudly worn out, without doubt!
"
"stop?'s an ergative verb i'll now show
is both trans- and intransitive, though
""i stopped every copt,
therefore every copt stopped.""
wasn't easy to write, you should know.
"
"from the threat he made, joe black got blowback ?
unforeseen repercussions. that throwback
expected to make
lots of bucks for his stake;
now i doubt that he'll see money flow back.
"
"the fair hare was a bow-draught away ?
a bare bowshot. i snared him that day.
though his lair is now bare
of a hare, i don't care ?
i've hare hair on a chair on display.
"
"leaving england, i'm filled with elation;
it has been a long-sought  emigration
from a nation that stifles
all great killer rifles ?
i now live in the bushmaster nation.
"
"tried a vaping device late today;
yes, that e-cigarette tastes okay.
are these ends cancer's answer,
or will folks get e-cancer?
so who's blowing smoke? i can't say.
"
"has your process gone bad, in a hole?
what you need, i suggest, are control
limits, just three
of what's called standard de-
viations to help meet your goal.
"
"argumentativeness?  no one compares.
in his word-mincing, eyre rarely errs.
i applaud his devotion
and heartfelt emotion
pursuing the splitting of hairs.
"
"from the farm it's twelve clicks to a bar.
it's a pain i must travel that far
to meet friends. it's unfair.
all i've got is my mare:
just a tough, plodding farm horse ? no car!
"
"steve enfevered the people today:
""for unspeakable crimes she must pay!""
in strong words he declaimed
till the crowd was inflamed
and they dragged her, half-naked, away.
"
"the first task? removing the faceplate
(that large plate on the front). next the baseplate.
there's a raceway for wires
in our way ? get your pliers
and unfasten what i call the ""raceplate"".
"
"when alarms started ringing erratically,
we worked frenziedly, nearly fanatically.
we overreacted,
which clearly impacted
the patient, who screamed operatically.
"
"with no water, we went on a march,
dried out quickly, and started to parch.
exsiccation began,
so we then, to a man,
cut and ran to a gold double-arch.
"
"when a thing needs to be a bit bigger
on our garbage scow (son, don't you snigger!)
i'll demand an expander.
since i'm the commander,
hop to it and do it with vigor!
"
"complex problems include situations
which involve hidden twists and gyrations.
analyzability's the key:
it's what's needed to see
all the threads, and their interrelations.
"
"endovenous: by means of a vein
or inside one.  when patients complain,
intravenous injection
of meds by direction
of doctors will often ease pain.
"
"there's a cross-default clause; that is true.
there were two different loans given you;
should you fail to pay one,
your defaulting's not done ?
that will trigger default number two.
"
"the epididymal problem i have
won't be solved with a rub or a salve.
the testicular pain
comes and goes, i complain,
unrelated to using the lav.
"
"a discriminating thought (bear and grin it)
from gramps: ""revolutions per minute?
they ain't rpms ?""
(here comes one of his gems...)
""it's rspm, dang it, now i'n' it?""
"
"jack's an active, dynamical guy ?
has of ergs an abnormal supply.
he does all things with vigor,
though some people snigger,
""too fast on the trigger!"" not i.
"
"from the shore, doc saw dad in a bind.
he talked dad to a berth ? dad is blind.
doc yelled, ""great, you're docked orally!""
prescribing, doctorally,
a sea dog to keep dad aligned.
"
"wicked witch of the west said, ""my fate?
to deliquiate ? something i'll hate,
but the likelihood i
from a dropped house will die
like my buddy, you munchkins? not great.""
"
"here's the short exocentric word phrase
that i use in my class: ""in those days"";
note, no word fills the role
of the phrase as a whole ?
the adverb this short phrase portrays.
"
"of his guilt, he compulsatively lied;
he was forced to confess, then was tried.
as to why so compelled?
his whole family was held;
had he not, more than he would have died.
"
"for years, for revenge i had bided
my time, till today i decided
i had to let go
of the secrets i know.
now that dirtbag's disdained and derided.
"
"stabbed my wife with a knife; now she's lifeless;
too much strife ? that's the reason i'm wifeless.
in a castle's dark tower ?
this donjon ? i cower;
now strifeless and wifeless and knifeless.
"
"today i got punched near my nose;
my black eye ? ecchymosed ? really shows.
that effusion's a shiner,
but my shiner's minor ?
my foe's bruise is worse, and it grows.
"
"i had bought chardonnay, your fave flavor;
you bathed in it, that's what you savor.
i love licking white wine
from your body supine ?
so we're doing each other a favor!
"
"when competitors act in unition,
the word for it's coopetition.
that means rivals will ""sleep
together"" to reap
joint rewards, bringing deals to fruition.
"
"you are wrong ? that rock's not epidotic!
how dumb can you be ? idiotic!
most epidote's green ?
that dumb rock's tangerine;
are you high, on some kind of narcotic?
"
"the wares the exhibitor exhibited
were proof that she wasn't inhibited.
what she wore on display
was a sleek negligee;
on her goods, through the day, males were riveted.
"
"there's something that's driving me nuts:
it's my son's fascination with sluts.
i'm afraid i'll go mad:
all his girls are type bad ?
he acts just like his dad! what a putz.
"
"old-time newspaper journalists may
be gone shortly; they're fading away.
goodbye paper and ink;
it's on-line, where i think,
cyberjournalists soon will hold sway.
"
"at the cross, mary weeps and she prays;
then dolven he is, for three days.
on that third morn, anon,
the crypt-stone is gone ?
so is he! she looks on, in amaze.
"
"the word farry a farmer might dig;
it means farrow: a litter of pig.
i so told my friend june,
who was eating a prune;
she said, ""frankly, i don't give a fig.""
"
"there are times when in writing a limerick
(such as this) when you must use a gimerick.
when i can't find a rhyme,
what i'll do every time
is create a rhyme mime: my own mimerick.
"
"those caterwauling ""cats"" in the bar
sing so loudly their yowls travel far.
that wailing's appalling.
the cops i'll be calling ?
again that damn bar door's ajar!
"
"it appears there's a moose on the loose,
as there's one eating mousse in my house.
but please do not shoot
him; just roust that moose out,
plus the grouse and that canada goose.
"
"control variables? constant ? don't change!
used in testing, these creatures are strange.
they're kept locked in a box
while the rest of the flock's
permitted to roam in a range.
"
"endocentric, a gnu in a loo
is a phrase with a head word that you
will soon learn from your teach
has the same part of speech
as that phrase and, in this case, it's gnu.
"
"my three fashion plate daughters love style;
what's in vogue that's in vogue makes them smile.
they inhale trendy news;
for this month, it's chic shoes.
just their biweekly ""do""s cost a pile!
"
"a closed class of word's a word class
which has run, so to speak, out of gas.
no (or few) words we add
to that class, which is sad.
prepositions have reached that impasse.
"
"imagination can lead one astray:
evagination, the word of the day,
suggests female concerns.
but the reader soon learns
it's an organ in some disarray.
"
"though her actions with men appear daring,
she's considerative: thoughtful and caring.
should she lie with a shy,
perhaps virginal, guy,
she'll inquire just how well he is faring.
"
"your distended abdominal cavity,
 with stuffed tummy-sack, tells you with gravity:
 ""the pain that's forthcoming
 will grip you, be numbing.
 your piggishness i'd call depravity.""
"
"some deficiency diseases are due
to a vitamin lack. while it's true
scurvy's caused by low c,
and rickets low d,
what causes low t? wish i knew.
"
"should you ask an astronomer nerd,
he'd say, ""perigee, that's the right word
when earth's nearest the moon,
that fine term's opportune.""
and the apogee? furthest, i've heard.
"
"as i squished through that soft squoggy bog,
a discriminable house in the fog
i espied, though not clearly;
i slipped, fell, and nearly
squash-squshed with my tush a fat frog.
"
"her erratical takes? disconcerting.
she often would laugh at my flirting,
but sometimes act sad,
and might even get mad;
her moods were forever inverting.
"
"when dorothy drenched her, that act
caused a hag's deliquescence. in fact,
wicked witch liquidation
brought winkies elation,
so murder by melting they backed.
"
"the young factor, was bold, unafraid.
""i want much more than factorage paid:
those commissions, boss, due me
plus more coming to me
for selling that sour lemonade!""
"
"john inhaled, took that final embreathement,
then said, ""know what this sword i unsheathe meant:
toughest blade, hilt of gold,
grandpa's sword. now i'm old,
yours to have, yours to hold ? my bequeathment.""
"
"we got into a spot with a fed
for embottling and peddling a ""med"".
we ? embarrassed, embattled ?
got addled and rattled.
""do not bottle pot!"" 's what he said.
"
"your alibi, son, is just  bosh,
with discrepancies rife and awash.
with all of those holes,
you'll get raked over coals.
stop talking that twaddle and tosh!
"
"on sunbathing days i've a notion
to take my pet doe to the ocean ?
not girl deer, but girl hare;
i don't care if folks stare
as my bunny lies over the lotion.
"
"geometry? no,  i'm not fluent,
as from most of those classes was truant.
equiangular, though,
has a meaning i know:
""all interior angles congruent"".
"
"""the endomere,"" dear, it says here,
""becomes endoderm."" that's not too clear,
nor very enlightening.
and what's really frightening?
that damn ""-derm"" term's not taught till next year!
"
"""esprit de corps: that's what's needed, for sure!""
roared our boss as he came in the door.
""your butts are too draggy,
your spirits too saggy ?
doom-and-gloomers shall work here no more!""
"
"""to you, owl,  i'll do something foul:
exenterate, viz., disembowel!""
the owl said, ""hoo-ooo!
you'd do what? and to who?""
i replied, ""it's 'to whom', you dumb owl.""
"
"that devotionist talks the whole day
to the lord, in his god-fearing way.
his fervor's impressive;
in fact, it's excessive ?
the guy is no work and all pray.
"
"son, your evilness we cannot take.
you're moving back home? a mistake!
your devilish badness
just adds to ma's sadness;
take your stuff and go jump in the lake!
"
"widespread famishment here is appalling;
local food stocks are low and keep falling.
extreme hunger's reigned here
for, i hear, near a year;
war's the cause of the food relief stalling.
"
"in the night a young schoolgirl named molly
lost her doggy and mel, her dear dolly.
but by looking around
dog and doll she soon found;
she was happy to feel mel 'n' collie.
"
"joe the chauffeur asked, ""where shall we go, sir?
for some roe at fish-inn-on-the-po, sir?
there the staff doesn't cry
when the fish egg supply
has run dry, but they do get moroser.""
"
"at chuck's steakhouse chuck gave me a break ?
lent me money, a large bet to make.
but chuck's bucks, they went south,
so i'm down at the mouth,
sad 'cause gamblers have eaten chuck's stake.
"
"there's a tax school in texas named ""max's""
on-line, using emails and faxes.
just learned excise tax detail
on sales, often retail;
i'm deep in the art of (groan) taxes.
"
"the moon in her complement said,
so full and effulgent, ""hi, fred.""
i said, ""back at ya, moonie;
you're acting, well, loony.""
then fell with a yell off my bed.
"
"two old laws i was told to review.
with those ancient ones, here's what i'd do:
edict 1 let's throw out,
but there's not any doubt
we can have our archaic edict 2.
"
"there's the entrepreneurial soul,
whose dominant governing goal
is to be his own boss:
he makes profit, risks loss,
and his business is his to control.
"
"on inspecting ed's teeth, long neglected,
the dentist observed, ""pulp's infected
in lots of teeth ? six.
endodontia's the fix.""
that is why, i suspect, ed's dejected.
"
"""yer a cretinoid joik!  i jus' hoid
ya been skimmin' the till, dat's the woid.
if i fine dis is true,
ain't no doubt whud ul do ?
pudda bullid in you, numbnut toid!""
"
"endocardial fibroelastosis:
a disease not ascribed to zymosis.
where it thickens your heart
is what sets it apart
from endomyocardial fibrosis.
"
"till you rid the whole basement of mold,
their deposit a lawyer will hold:
""put in escrow"", we say.
when the mold's gone away,
then your home at that point can be sold.
"
"andy's tossing this theory about:
pecan candy anne can do without.
that's the lie andy bandies,
demanding anne's candies.
""unhand those damn candies!"" i shout.
"
"your submission today is a joke.
i assume you've been snorting more coke.
as an essay, it's dross;
it's junk that i'll toss.
as we say in old english, it's croke.
"
"cataclysmists are prophets of doom.
there's a dumb one in front of the room,
talking super-volcano
and how it'll rain o-
ver us tons of dust, with a boo?
"
"when growth is explosive, i'd say
there's a ""power""-ful force underway;
likely growth's exponential
(which could be torrential!),
the reverse? exponential decay.
"
"i'll explain the word explanate now.
""spread out flat"", is it's gist, i'll avow:
like a sat-upon hat,
or a run-over cat,
or the shape of a house-dropped-on cow.
"
"to expolish, just polish quite well,
like the apples i gave to miss bell,
gleaming bright, till the day
that i asked for an ""a"":
""you haven't a hope, kid, in hell!""
"
"""i call it 'e.b.',"" said miss peach.
""how i love it!""  last week at the beach,
she went into a panic, a
dread. a britannica
index bobbed just beyond reach.
"
"when something disgusts you, like poo,
do you know what i'd say, were i you?
it's a word just like blech
(also augh, yuk, or yech)
with three e's in a row ?  namely: eeew!
"
"i concede i knew not just what she meant
when she said she agreed with what he meant
by an obsolete word
that i'd never heard ?
their ""high consonantness"" meant much agreement!
"
"watch me drop a superb rugby kick,
having learned from coach signes this trick:
wear a spring-loaded shoe!
if that's what you do,
you'll strike drop goals galore, mighty quick.
"
"our dentist, the herr doktor sorgen,
checked baby's enamel (cap) organ.
he yelled, ""nein, nicht  so gut!
gib  these pills mit some food
und call me first thing, in the morgen.""
"
"that party was fun, a real blast!
let's now get us ensobered, real fast.
what's my un-drunk routine?
a big shot of caffeine,
plus mcdonald's cuisine ? unsurpassed!
"
"a french fille who lay on a quay
with deux soeurs, meant three beauts on display.
i had trois things to say
my french-limit?e way:
""enchant?, enchant?, enchant?!""
"
"do you hanker for cheese? need your fix?
try one of these white farm cheese bricks.
it's made from the curd
of skim milk. take my word,
it's preferred by us hicks in the sticks.
"
"what it was that i saw uncle danny pack
was a pouch with a belt strap ? a canny pack
that contains hiking wares.
worn atop derri?res,
that location's what makes it a fanny pack.
"
"my deliverness? gone ? no agility!
nimbleness? utter futility.
pretzel-like twisting?
no longer existing!
return, time, my lost flexibility!
"
"these days emeril's known as a cook;
if you think that that's all, you're mistook.
i'm consulting my memory?
seems emeril's ""emery""!
that's what i read in a book.
"
"""see the window above that old door?
it's a fanlight ? amazing! what's more,
it is shaped like a fan.""
""geez, i'm outta here, man,
i won't hang with a consummate bore.""
"
"i'll now show you my group's execution
of a chart for this strange distribution.
what worked best for this range?
just a small bin size change;
more class intervals held the solution.
"
"epigraphics: inscriptional studies.
we go searching, do i and my buddies,
for inscriptions on nudes,
either ladies or dudes,
thus upsetting prim prudes. fuddy-duddies!
"
"descartes was a genius who'd sneer
at a brit in a pub off'ring beer.
he disliked his beer ""hot"";
so he'd say, ""i think not!""
and would then ? you know what? ? disappear.
"
"i was angry ? did i blow my top!
two girl comics drove drunk, didn't stop.
their car hit me; those bitches
soon had me in stitches.
""yeah, splitting your sides,"" said the cop.
"
"what fine phrasing a botanist weaves;
by so doing, exactness achieves.
joining words, often greek,
is a cherished technique;
thus decaphyllous stems have ten leaves.
"
"can your theory survive an attack?
falsifiability: that's its huge lack.
we in science are blessed
with a clear-cut first test ?
what we cannot prove false, we can't back.
"
"here's the reason i shun estuation:
it fills me with great agitation.
if i watch a large pot,
water never gets hot ?
but then i boil instead, from frustration!
"
"his technique is not naturalistic:
his art's on cloud nine, expressionistic.
his artistic devotion
can stir strong emotion;
i'd say he is ""movingly mystic"".
"
"dear will shakespeare, this insight i send:
an end-rhyme's a rhyme at the end
of a line of a verse.
to sum up, i'll be terse:
your ""hark-lark"" thing's no end-rhyme, my friend.
"
"mr. west, in my own estimation,
you exhibit undue estuation.
i sat on your cat ?
just his tail ? so it's flat.
does that warrant such fierce agitation?
"
"i butt-dialed my gal by mistake
as i lay on my ass at the lake.
i was making a pass
at her sis in the grass ?
now i'm ""bastard!"" or ""in-the-grass snake!""
"
"to keep stogies as fresh as can be,
a humidor's needed ? agree?
you don't need to invest
in a fine cedar chest;
make a coolidor: cheap (though not free).
"
"encyclopedism clutters her head.
her vast knowledge is deep and widespread.
so in lieu of us screwing,
you know what she's doing?
explaining the process instead.
"
"entoprocta (sea polyps) are gross;
their butts and their mouths are too close.
despite this vile system
some beasts can't resist 'em;
our pet flatworm's no longer morose.
"
"as the brits charged in ranks, coming closer,
i mused, ""redcoats are strange sorts of foes, sir!
while we fire away,
they maintain an array ?
it appears they like dying in rows, sir!""
"
"""the macaroni-named beast?  he is no fuss!
he can sit on the floor or the sofas.""
so the fat penguin sat,
with a crest (but no hat)
in our flat ? eudyptes chrysolophus.
"
"i don't care for my mother-in-law;
all her nagging sticks tight in my craw.
on her visit from erin
i said, hair a-tearin',
""go back, maw, to ?irinn go br?ch!""
"
"awf'lly sorry that roach crawled on you;
in our flat, yes, we keep a bug zoo.
it seems entomologizing
leads to apologizing.
say, would you care for more stew?
"
"succeeding old rule number three,
the eccentric ensuant decree
is  ""rule three is no more.
here's the sequel: rule four ?
'break all rules.' (signed) the powers that be"".
"
"our creator, it seems, is demanding
that our universe keep on expanding.
every object in space
is retreating apace,
what we see and we feel notwithstanding.
"
"equilibrate your will once a year:
equal assets to all you hold dear.
if folks don't get the same,
they'll defame your great name ?
there'll be blood (what a shame!) on your bier.
"
"i do end-rhyming versification
as a test ground for my 'magination.
many times, i can't find
a great end-of-line?rhyme,
engendering max aggravation.
"
"line up groupie-type chicks from my fandom.
since i savor birds larking in tandem,
get three pairs for each stop.
just the cream of the crop ?
meaning this time, no fans picked at random!
"
"the queer duck had effeminized looks
learnt from vogue and his own girlish books.
less female than weird,
he had pig-tailed his beard
and jammed jewels in his crannies and nooks.
"
"on a day that was mis'rably muggy,
i heard that damn train noise: chug-chuggy.
stopped me cart at the tracks,
let the horses relax
as that train drove, and i drove, me buggy.
"
"the tough john was demanding his dough back;
the rough pimp was demanding his ho back.
while they were discussing,
the dealer was fussing ?
demanding his coke (that's his blow) back.
"
"harry, kindly don't sit there and pout!
you and barry must sort these bolts out.
with that strainer first lift 'em,
then shake, and you'll sift 'em ?
you'll bolt out the small bolts, no doubt.
"
"the twins squabbled, they could not agree
as to who'd get the rose potpourri.
in the room came old tom,
so pragmatic and calm,
who said equably, ""split it in three.""
"
"the donatary snickered with glee,
saying, ""i am the only donee ?
cheating got the whole wad!
bend your knees now, thank god
he applauded my fraud, as you see!""
"
"this device that allows me to speak?
electrolarynx ? i bought mine last week.
when it's pressed on my throat,
i can start to emote;
i'm sure some day i'll talk a blue streak!
"
"entireness: ""something's all there""
or ""completeness"". example? my hair:
my subglabrous pate's gone
since i glued a wig on.
did you say it looked much better bare?!
"
"on whatever's in vogue she would spend.
i would ask her, ""my friend, to what end?""
""for the latest in fashion,""
she'd say, ""i've a passion!""
and faddishly follow each trend.
"
"i once met a dell named adele,
a wench with a horrible smell.
when i said to this vagrant,
""p-u, you are fragrant.""
she countered, ""it's your smell that's fell!""
"
"a bold european brown bat
alit square in the chair where i sat.
this eptesicus serotinus
bit into my penis;
i bit him right back. that was that?
"
"sammy smiley, flat broke, to make money,
planned to slaughter and break up his bunny.
the poor hare kibitzed wryly,
""you break me up, smiley,
but somehow it isn't that funny.""
"
"those prone to make errors show errableness.
those ""terrible twos"" kids show terribleness.
my dad talks like yogi
and that is no joke, he
exhibits, we say, yogiberrableness.
"
"the young nurse said, ""i'm bursting your bubble.
you are sick; get meds, on the double.
a careful inspection
shows bladder infection ?
cystitis, girl, means urine trouble.""
"
"aristocratical ladies were there
at the annual blue-bloods' affair.
the ""english"" they spoke?
enigmatical joke:
""fraffly tarsum,"" one said, ""dern chew nair.""
"
"to see hoodoos en masse, visit bryce
canyon national park. been there twice.
the first time they saw some
my kids said, ""they're awesome!""
but the next time, as teens, yawned, ""they're nice.""
"
"eunuchism: that's my defect ?
can't give women the thing they expect.
but most gals think it kinky
making love sans a winky;
it's fun finding ways to connect.
"
"meet rex hector, our new disinfector;
he's chief sanitist (johnny inspector).
he lists in his journals
all toilets and urinals
he's worked on as head germ detector.
"
"i'm enfeloned ? i burn so today
with a cuckold's fierce anger.  you say
you betrayed me again
with not one, but two men.
let me see?that makes ten. go away!
"
"appendiculate creatures are these:
having legs set in ten groups of threes,
four antenna-like things
and what's those ? nascent wings?
for appendages, they're the bee's knees!
"
"if your mind is possessed, we'll attest
that an exorcist's cure is the best.
but if flu wracks your body,
what isn't too shoddy?
hot buttered rum toddy, plus rest.
"
"hi, i'm c-one two, h-twenty-five:
aliphatic, a radical. i've
tried to hide, in a codicil,
my official name, dodecyl;
divers dive bar bums know me as clive.
"
"i'm afraid you've the wrong color pass:
aurichalceous (color of brass).
it's a shame you weren't told
first-class passes are gold.
you're restricted, i fear, to fourth class.
"
"on a ledge there's no ""squeezing in ledgeways"";
by a hedge there's no ""squeezing in hedgeways"".
but sneak in a word
with a chatterbox bird
then you've managed to ""squeeze it in edgeways"".
"
"your apartment's disordained, a mess;
as a neat freak, i feel some distress.
i'm annoyed and i'm stroppy
because you're so sloppy;
such grunginess no mom could bless!
"
"dermatologists i had idealized.
after years i have finally realized
my wounds, which seemed tragic,
were helped by docs' magic,
but skin did its thing: epithelized.
"
"with this statement i'll likely raise hob:
guys, we cannot disfellowship bob.
though he's messed with our wives,
kindly resheathe your knives.
excommunicate? that's not our job.
"
"distasting (disliking) cars slow,
a snail bought a jag at a show.
painting s on each side,
he took off for a ride.
people cried, ""look at that s-car go!""
"
"he's extravertive, friendly, gregarious;
the stories he tells are hilarious!
most people would say
though his tales are risqu?,
they're ok, not too ""salsamentarious"".
"
"i am tired of being harassed, lee.
your attempts to seduce me are ghastly.
in my faith i'm secure
from your motives impure;
to my christian beliefs i'm tied fastly.
"
"the young architect's scheme was imaginous:
a design that was strictly favaginous.
""your honeycomb plan
is no home for a man!"",
raved the client,""your plan's putrilaginous!""
"
"a blind craftsman, of whom i'm in awe,
said, ""i'll carpenter now a fine draw.
(that's a ""drawer"" to you);
now just watch what i do.""
then picked up his hammer and saw.
"
"so you're buying a firm? my advice:
make sure earnout is part of the price.
that's the bonus you'll pay
if the firm earns  its way;
you will skate somewhat less on thin ice.
"
"my chest is escutcheoned, it's true;
a shield rendered in custom tattoo.
since my chest grows black hair
i now sport a black bear
coat-of-arms. i just love it. do you?
"
"he's lost his commandry today,
having gone from the rules far astray.
he was so heavy-handed,
his command was disbanded;
the brass had to put him away.
"
"""i've not seen it, but here's what i've read:
they excarnate their corpses,"" ned said.
""midst funereal moans,
they strip flesh to leave bones ?
that's the way that they bury their dead.""
"
"when their guts show convexity (bulginess),
prudent eaters will curb their indulginess.
they'll feel great and elated
once weight is deflated;
they'll glow in their righteous effulginess.
"
"your logic, my friend, is fallacious;
it's blatantly wrong.  goodness gracious,
it's so patently specious,
you must be facetious ?
insisting you're right is vexatious!
"
"the blasphemousness, friend, of your curse?
it's inviting some lightning, or worse.
first you ""god-damned"" his name,
then said he is to blame
for the hell in men's lives. how perverse!
"
"eternalness makes me irate;
tell me, why must it be man's sad fate
to spend infinite years
in hot hell (with no beers!)
for refusing to love those i hate?
"
"i think body art d?cor's a trip!
for tattoos, brands and piercings i flip.
now my nose has a ring;
please don't yank on that thing,
or i'll suffer a quick nasal rip.
"
"i keep chocolates near, close at hand;
in my pocket's my favorite brand.
and should anyone ask,
i can pull out a flask:
cr?me de cacao with truffles ? how grand!
"
"i'm cloaked in my donnism, true;
i act stiffly towards students like you.
my works are prodigious ?
my status? prestigious!
such pedantry you should pursue!
"
"my fallback position, of course,
is a lengthy and messy divorce.
that's my second-tier plan ?
take the first while you can:
just stop sleeping with face-like-a-horse.
"
"declaredly, teddy avowed,
""red, i know you can't handle that crowd.
you and ned are not ready ?
a star's life is heady!""
voice steady, red said, ""we're not cowed!""
"
"you are done here; you simply can't hack it.
so, relinquish your black eton jacket.
you'd be only a phony in
square-cut etonian
garb. get your suitcase and pack it.
"
"that's esurience! wow, what a glutton ?
first beefsteak, then veal and now mutton!
his greed is audacious,
his hunger voracious;
see that ? he just busted a button!
"
"cystolitholapaxy's a matter
of surgeons relieving a bladder
of a cystolith (stone).
once location is known,
the doc zaps it to make the stone shatter.
"
"our equalness, frank, let us measure.
are we balanced in friends, jobs or treasure?
let's take jobs. you've worked ages
for minimum wages,
while i am a true man of leisure.
"
"""i deserve"", said the perp, ""mitigation;
consider my great reputation!""
is his half-assed excuse
for the dog getting loose
a good reason for extenuation?
"
"two innkeeper-artists emblazon
faux-heraldic designs, here at day's inn.
the neatest of all?
what a herald might call
""two puppies pipi, one leg raisin'.""
"
"""owl, that andean condor's no beaut ?
his featherless head sure ain't cute!""
""good friend duck, i admit
those wings scare me a bit;
but for that bird i don't give a hoot.""
"
"expoliation's what huns loved to do.
when these raiders were down, feeling blue,
they'd gather their band
and they'd plunder the land ?
with no hullabaloo, hitherto.
"
"as a calf, i stood out in the crowd;
of my moo and my low i was proud.
then the other cows cowed me ?
no longer allowed me
to low, saying, ""shush! you're too loud!""
"
"equicrescent, class, doesn't pertain
to the moon on the wax or the wane;
for every math geek'll
know ""rising in equal
gradations"" is meant. too arcane?
"
"in math i'm not overly fluent,
but i know number theory; pursuant,
if i see a mod n
equals b mod n, then
i can say a and b are congruent.
"
"an exigence, folks, just arose!
(a ""most urgent matter"" to those
who prefer words more plain
and consider me vain
just for using that big word i chose.)
"
"as i mindlessly dined on veal cutlets,
sy the botanist nudged, ""got two nutlets?""
i sighed, ""sy, just between us,
aye, i'm dipyrenous;
if twins turn you on, check my buttlets.""
"
"extravasations we see on vacation;
we like danger, that scary sensation.
seeing lava outpouring
while touring? not boring!
we'll chance it, with no hesitation.
"
"extensibility? built in, right here,
on both sides of this new, high-tech pier.
should the boat berths need doubling,
that's not very troubling;
we'll add them in less than a year!
"
"this land's now forever disturbed;
vegetation's been barely refurbed.
the grassland is gone,
and the farmer's moved on.
this conversion to dust must be curbed!
"
"entheastic, by god's grace inspired,
seven wives clive with haste had acquired.
once just a bigamist,
this piggy polygamist ?
shortly, at forty, expired.
"
"enteroptosis: intestines descended.
whalebone corsets, of course, were intended
to narrow the waist;
this meant guts got displaced.
such drops stopped when the waist torment ended.
"
"definitiveness fails in her work;
many questions of fact, i fear, lurk.
her logic's elusive,
results inconclusive ?
her certainty's certain to irk.
"
"i'm the fact-finder.  i will be fair
as i dig up the dirt that is there.
i'll report actualities
and all abnormalities:
those secrets you don't want to share.
"
"expositional discourse takes long,
when you parse every phrase in a song.
brothers claim this means that,
as we sit in our frat
and enjoy frequent tokes on a bong.
"
"""want a face-reading?  let us start now.
i can tell, by the slant of your brow
and your aquiline nose,
you have watery flows.
diarrhea a problem?"" ""and how!""
"
"my college just built a new dorm.
seems it's cubo-octahedral in form,
like a cube that's been cut
at each corner, somewhat.
dean mcnutt said, ""that shape's the new norm!""
"
"i learned chip chop's a poker pot deal
where all players agree that they feel
it's best not to play;
they'll split pots right away.
for big bucks, this has lots of appeal.
"
"there is one thing that i, a strange guy, like:
abstract art with designs that are eyelike.
eyes not wearing a frown,
and not black and not brown ?
happy eyes that are colored blue-sky-like.
"
"so you've got a new do? goodness gracious!
you want my opinion?  bodacious!
once bobbed, like a hare's tail,
now long, like a mare's tail,
your hairstyle's so equisetaceous.
"
"let us sing marley's songs at the summit ?
the culmen or apex. dadgummit,
i've forgotten the words
to ""three little birds"";
but don't worry, i think i can hum it.
"
"there's the devil to pay if i'm late:
severe repercussions, my fate.
let's call quits to this tryst
or my bride will be pissed
and my wedding night won't be that great.
"
"all the freshmen are holding a forum;
they say equiform dorms really bore 'em.
(deans agree; let's decree
same-shaped dorms shouldn't be.)
i just hope they maintain their decorum.
"
"old pope paul lost his papal composure
when a pony ran over his crosier
and a crosiered priest, too:
""canis filius!* ?you
keep that nag in its [censored] enclosure!""
"
"your lust for my money is clear;
you've such avarous leanings, my dear!
where's your marriage proposal?
my garbage disposal ?
rapacious deceivers i fear.
"
"your faineance, brad, makes us sad;
you're the most slothful son that we've had.
you're always maneuvering,
blowing off hoovering;
ass-kicking's next, lazy lad!
"
"i've a nose for a rose and for wine,
but that skunk musk was hard to refine.
spritz this eau de toilette
for a whiff of mouffette,
and answer me: your place or mine?
"
"should your organ evaginate, dude,
it means that it tends to protrude
or has turned inside out.
(in case you're in doubt,
it's not that organ; that'd be crude.)
"
"we all live in a gold submarine;
euxanthic in color, i mean.
our skipper (odd fellow!)
cried,  ""flaxen-hair yellow
shall hide that latrine olive-green!""
"
"i'm in terror, in fear, sore effray.
the law gets its due on this day.
in a few minutes more
i shall pass through that door,
my short life to be taken away.
"
"let us expertise research today ?
tell the amateurs, ""please go away!""
the board has okayed
more professional aid ?
no more fooling around, guys! ok?
"
"yerevan ? i was there with friend luke
when he bought their famed pipe, a duduk.
he got drunk, played it (sadly)
annoyingly badly;
the natives said, ""damn guy's a kook!""
"
"i dislike seeing charlie brown fall for it,
since undoubtedly there is no call for it.
chuck's so obtuse, he
gets tricked by slick lucy;
i, peppermint, care not at all for it.
"
"i did traffic reports in l.a.
in a flapping-wing plane.  but today,
orthnithoptering's done.
now helicoptering's fun ?
when i chopper, my work is my play.
"
"your exclusivist reasons are dumb!
don't admit any guy who may come
to my party sans clothes?
you might like that, who knows?
""well? i might, i suppose,"" said my mum.
"
"""what is, at this time"": that's existing.
now desist from persisting in twisting
my arm, saying i
should be willing to try
to define it in depth. stop insisting!
"
"there's blame-shifting going on now,
and frankly i'm having a cow.
pointing fingers just irks ?
you're both acting like jerks.
let's just fix what has caused the damned row!
"
"the ecosphere: that's where my teachers
say live all of the world's diverse creatures.
we humans are users ?
no, make that abusers ?
of earth, warn crusading ""green"" preachers.
"
"you may go. there's a single condition.
first finish your late disquisition:
""how to flog a dead horse"".
such a learned discourse!
(please consider this love, not punition.)
"
"you're a factionist, jack, can't you see?
you cause schisms where none ought to be.
oh, the troubles you start ?
your lies split groups apart ?
all those fictions cause frictions, agree?
"
"a descriptive clause?  got it down pat!
not restrictive, it starts not with that,
but with comma, then which.
but it can be a bitch
to know when to use which.  so let's chat.
"
"that decitizenized rat's a state traitor.
those people who loved her now hate 'er.
of her country bereft,
her homeland she's left ?
glad it happened right now, and not later.
"
"took my camera to shoot grecian terns
with an ""expert"" from venice named burns.
so-called ""whiz"" built a blind
that was not the right kind;
seems venetian blinds fool grecian ernes.
"
"the mustachioed villain comes near;
snidely's heartless demeanor is clear.
but dudley, the hero,
says, ""snide, you're a zero!""
and to nell, tied to tracks, ""have no fear!""
"
"on a walk yesterday with spouse billy,
eremurus we spied, willy-nilly.
it had tall, colored spikes
that my bill really likes;
it's more commonly called ""foxtail lily"".
"
"not too often (i'd say it's occasional),
i'll use arguments clearly equational:
""and that's why, you see,
a is equal to b!""
all the math majors find these persuasional.
"
"i am dead-struck, my sons, filled with horra.
our town car you're askin' to borra.
i, cast benz before swine?
read that permanent sign:
""kids can drive the mercedes tomorra.""
"
"harry, old fart, here's some news:
our new ultrasound's now what we use.
yes, to map one's ""topography"",
best choose echography.
try it, you've nothing to lose!
"
"pastor jude, an excluder, a priss,
told a gay that the bible says this:
""same-sex ties ye can't bind;
there are some left behind.""
""my firm ass,"" said the gay, ""ye may kiss.""
"
"the experimentation fixation
instilled here at sex innovation
suggests that each guest
test our toys for what's best
at enhancing erotic sensation.
"
"the estimator said, ""how bizarre!
you've totaled, once more, a new car ?
there is no need to estimate!
you were, i'd, guesstimate
totaled as well, in the bar!""
"
"what's epitasis? words that add weight
to what's already said.  one might state,
""i'm not in the mood
for your wasting that food.
you must eat every bit.  lick that plate!""
"
"i kilt this 'ere cow with a arrow;
fer two years she's barren  (that's farrow).
i ain't gonna feed 'er
unlest i kin breed 'er.
now cart 'er away in this barrow!
"
"you display some febricity, jay.
better stay in this ward one more day ?
that temperature rise
is quite a surprise;
let's not take any chances, ok?
"
"said the priest to his flock, ""i admit
that our binary compound's unfit.
holy water stock's low;
i will buy h20.
then i'll boil the hell out of it.""
"
"the cribriform plate: one of three
main parts of the ethmoid. you'll see,
should you take a good look
in my 'natomy book,
a small cock's crest, where no bird should be.
"
"at that hell-hole the rescue took place.
pain and joy were both etched on his face.
but that extricated man,
extracted per plan,
suffers flashbacks he cannot erase.
"
"the eradicator came to our house
to get rid of a ravenous mouse
who'd devoured a rat
and ingested our cat
and was eying both me and my spouse.
"
"evaporation pans, fridge owners know,
are positioned where condensates flow.
should an egoist drip
take its own ego trip
and decide for itself where to go?
"
"a troublesome jackanapes, clarence,
had lax and indulgent-ish parents.
accepting such aesture
was once called digesture:
unwarranted brooking, forbearance.
"
"""evaporated water"", tag read.
bought a gallon, not using my head.
next day took it along
on a hike.  was i wrong!
shoulda bought the condensed kind instead.
"
"a bonnie scotch lassie, dick's chick,
asked tae swatch at a dirk owned by dick.
fae his breeks out it cam;
she yelled, ""richard, fur sham!
nae yer boaby ? yer dagger! yoo're sick!""
"
"euchologion: simply a book
of prayers in greek churches ? go look.
(nickelodeons played
when nickels were paid;
if you think that's this word, you're mistook!)
"
"extirpative persons like plucking
up plants by the roots. (note, i'm ducking
rhymes censors might say
must be hidden away;
so of course this poem won't rhyme with ? umm?)
"
"it is such a relief, a release,
now we know uncle bob is at peace.
thank god he's at rest;
he was kind of a pest,
what with butt-pinching every cute niece.
"
"i know, of course, sooner or later
i'll be forced on this theme to debate 'er:
equinoctially'?s  meaning.
from what i've been gleaning,
it's ""towards the celestial equator"".
"
"my two sons wrote a book on geogeny.
my expertise? epeirogeny:
earth's deformation.
now their reputation
beats mine; i'm quite proud of my progeny!
"
"electronystagmography: a test
of the eye as it moves, not at rest.
when electrodes are placed,
and eye movements traced,
diagnoses are fact-based, not guessed.
"
"a weak arab they called ""ibn feckless""
wore worthless inscribed on a necklace,
then he hit on a thai
in the sultan's serai;
when beheaded, his sigh? ""i been reckless.""
"
"craniocele: that's the protrusion
of the brain caused by lack of skull fusion.
though surgeons correct
this bad braincase defect,
it's much worse than a mere brain contusion.
"
"you show great exemplarity, nate.
a role model guy, no debate.
i love this example?
you've many, they're ample?
""best jailbird of all,"" from pen (state).
"
"you're festooned with just ribbons and bows,
well-adorned from your head to your toes.
dude, you're sure to be booed
should those ""clothes"" get unglued
and what shouldn't be nude, you expose.
"
"just think of the time typists wasted
before they all copied-and-pasted!
they ceased all their griping
re boring retyping
once copy-and-paste they had tasted.
"
"i endite (that means ""write"") late at night.
i compose, by a dim candle's light,
yarns with thunder and lightning,
dread tales that are frightening,
with slithering somethings that bite.
"
"""you knew your disease was contagious,
yet you spread it.  you need to engage us.
since you're in a tough spot,
we must charge a whole lot.""
""i agree. your 'low fees' are outrageous!""
"
"those adminicles (aids) that i gave
at the trial greatly helped you to save
your tough case. that support
sure impressed the whole court.
the reviews that i got ? they were rave.
"
"a factor that's causatively rated
is an input that someone has stated
will provoke an effect.
but beware ? don't expect
that connection to go undebated.
"
"it's likely i'm drunk now ? befuddled
and buzzed as a bee, my brain muddled.
for six hours on my ass,
i sat watching this glass
between counter and mouth being shuttled.
"
"this constructure that you have erected
? this building ? is not yet perfected.
on the top seven floors
you used not-to-code doors;
that's a problem unearthed when inspected.
"
"evangelical zealots desire
to sell others on aims they admire.
when they get ?ber-strident,
my retort's a hot trident
of logic; they lose holy fire.
"
"his englaciered remains will astound.
wrapped in ice, well-preserved, on the ground
for thousands of years
and what's more it appears
he'd been slain, from the evidence found.
"
"i buy fancy smoked salmon for todd.
it arrives in a box and smells odd.
what's contained in the box?
cod (atlantic) ? no lox!
me and todd, we are screwed with the scrod.
"
"what you ask that we do is discordable
(will cause trouble) and be unaffordable.
you request we install
on each floor of the mall
two one-stallers ?  and all of them portable!
"
"i dreamt, dear, last night, that we had a boy,
one so fat you declared, ""there's no fatter boy!""
on a diet he went ?
he lost fifty percent,
so we told him, ""great job!"" (that's an attaboy.)
"
"bought ""dan's fango"" ? it's mud from a spring.
the big ad said, ""it's just the right thing
for rheumatic disease!""
also, ""no guarantees.""
i'm not sure what relief it will bring.
"
"there's no lettin' that ettin come in.
our front door's far below his long chin.
with this rule we're compliant:
""don't let in no giant
what's higher than door height ('cep' kin).""
"
"collaborationism:  that is the charge
against me and ren? (still at large).
that's for what? ?""cooperation
with the foe's occupation.""
calmly knitting sits madame lafarge.
"
"last weekend when we were together
you asked for a poem about feather.
this is it!  see those things
that comprise a bird's wings?
they're for tickling dark regions (yours, nether).
"
"the admissions he made were discretionary ?
unofficial, but clearly confessionary.
he affirmed what he did.
don't forget he's a kid
and his brain's not mature, but impressionary.
"
"i'm a feminine kind of a fem.
if you'd like one, well, i'm one of them:
i'm girlish, petite,
kinda dainty and sweet,
a true lady-like treat ? i'm your gem.
"
"a fem is a female, you twit.
there's no more to define, that is it.
oh, you say i must fill
three more lines? sure, i will;
now just lie back and suffer, teeth grit.
"
"it's the end. she's so feeble, so weak.
her skin's wrinkled and grey, voice a creak.
she can't move, though she tries.
as i sob my goodbyes,
her last cry's ""close my eyes, stroke my cheek.""
"
"for lunch, when i go on vacation,
i eat triple my usual ration.
then i sleep like a brick.
to arouse me ain't quick;
it's a tedious exsuscitation.
"
"embracing long peregrinations,
i embarked on sustained evagations.
i roved; such digression
abated depression
and nurtured profound cerebrations.
"
"drew's excuses prove bogus and useless;
he's returned again gooseless and mooseless,
missing myriad meese
and a gaggle of geese.
as a shooter, that dude's now excuseless.
"
"entandrophragma's an african tree.
its timber is coveted. see
how superb is its wood ?
which i'd steal if i could;
such ""mahogany"" hardwood's not free!
"
"my work's chromosomal: with genes.
using cutting-edge technical means,
i adjust dna
in my lab every day
with synthetic genetic routines.
"
"last week i accomplished the knack of
religious events keeping track of.
my new calendar's great:
i record every date
ecclesiastical ? those there's no lack of!
"
"clyde, our war dog, got shot, and we cried
as the vet tried to save his poor hide.
that pooch wowed; we could boast
he'd pooped out at his post;
and thus, doing his duty, clyde died.
"
"anthropomorphization is great
since in kid's tales it helps them relate.
and for ads, it works well:
geico's gecko's a swell
little feller, a best-seller mate.
"
"that village i said to devast?
you did it, but did it half-assed.
for that lousy destruct,
thirty points i deduct,
thus your pillage eval's ""barely passed"".
"
"we spray cutting fluid ? lots! ? on this mill,
and this tough high-capacity drill.
when the workpiece is juiced,
friction's heat is reduced.
what works well?  many substances will.
"
"she was unwed and pregnant (caught short),
then lost in paternity court.
having slept with six guys
and proclaimed umpteen lies,
case and kid she felt forced to abort.
"
"this guy bragged that in spain he had dropped a bull.
when i told him he lied, then he stopped the bull:
""i know that's not true ?
saw the bull drop on you!""
i dropped him; he just wasn't exoptable.
"
"doc said, ""open your  mouth very wide;
i'll examine your cheek's entad side.
hmm. its inside has pimples;
its ectad side, dimples.
there's good with the bad!"" old doc cried.
"
"your deploredness ranks as severe;
i recoil from your state way up here,
where i sit on my steed.
you are wretched indeed
and of succor in need; that is clear.
"
"the scholar disquisitively spoke;
his zetetic procedures awoke
my inquiring mind.
in him you will find
the right teacher for serious folk.
"
"our friend has a strange fascination:
finding gold. it's a side occupation,
since he can't make a living
from washing and sieving;
elutriation just leads to frustration.
"
"the cystometer readings are clear:
bladder function's improved since last year.
though your pressure's so-so
and capacity's low,
on the whole, flo, you've little to fear.
"
"that spring our mixed clique of six singles
would swing by the crick near the dingles
(a.k.a. dells and hollows).
we'd sworn, ""nothing follows ?
no love affairs, only wee ""flingles"".
"
"my mom, of the bomb, felt alarm:
""we need shelter from fallout's great harm!""
so we dug with our picks
and we built one of bricks,
though we lived in the sticks on a farm.
"
"went to mass in a nauseous condition.
got worse, and foresaw evomition.
i fled the processional,
found a confessional,
ejected an act of contrition.
"
"come to jesus-type meetings are grave,
unrelated to church  or to save:
e.g: boss wears a frown ?
you're chewed out and dressed down.
or, ""let's talk!"" when your teen won't behave.
"
"my friend rose found a solar encoder
which i paid for with money i owed 'er.
this machine was equipped
to encrypt and decrypt;
she'd no clue how it worked 'til i showed 'er.
"
"eradicable? what's that about?
it's an adjective: ""can be wiped out"",
like certain diseases.
(not colds, with their sneezes.
we might in the future, no doubt.)
"
"what a great monumental-size dent'll
be made in our task documental!
to achieve our high bar,
very fast scanners are
instrumental and worth the steep rental.
"
"exauctoration, for your information,
means you're shorn of your clerical station ?
in this case, by tales
of hot sex with young males,
a debauchery-caused degradation.
"
"twixt the eyes, on the roof of the nose,
sits a bone that in skulls barely shows.
the small ethmoid, light weight,
features two types of plate
and two labyrinths. (huh? see the prose!)
"
"tom said, ""leaves without ribs?  they're erostrate.""
""that means 'beakless', you jerk! they're ecostate.""
i was smug, i was right,
so tom started a fight
and he punched out my lights.  i lay prostrate.
"
"a fascinating woman, adele;
i'm enchanted and under her spell.
my attention she's captured,
i'm rapt and enraptured,
perhaps i'm in love ? can you tell?
"
"a naturist priest's extemporanean
sermons were all in ukrainian.
plus, in the buff,
and while still off the cuff,
he'd add teachings in old lithuanian.
"
"father pepe's mex-am chicanismo
comes through in his proselitismo.
he peppers his speech
with palabras from each
of his countries; see, i do lo mismo!
"
"we epigraphists take, at times, days
to interpret just one cryptic phrase.
my love of inscriptions
breeds spousal conniptions ?
""keep this up, there'll be parting of ways!""
"
"the crew-cuts: a vocal quartet
from the fifties i'll never forget.
as i'm laid in my tomb,
kindly play me ""sh-boom""
and ""earth angel"", and then i'll be set.
"
"an eructed foul smell fills the air.
tell me who, at this table, would dare
to release stomach gas?
that crass belching's low class,
so refrain, please; there's no need to share.
"
"the surgeon's intentions were murky;
his demand seemed unlikely, berserky:
""disarticulator needed!""
and then he proceeded,
disjointing the legs of the turkey.
"
"i was late to our firm's christmas lunch.
on my plate i put munchies, a bunch.
others slaked their thirst first;
all drinks gone, softly cursed ?
i'd been beaten, that day, to the punch.
"
"depression-type storage is rain
that ditches or holes might retain
until lost to the sun ?
smallish pools that don't run
to a river or sea; there's no drain.
"
"fears engrapple me day after day ?
grip me tightly, and won't go away.
things get worse as night falls:
creatures slither through walls.
i repress them with drugs, and i pray.
"
"sal the tailor had erred.  he'd unwittingly
made my suit way too small ? i'd say splittingly.
""oh! mamma mia!
a new one, for free-a
i make for you!"" sal offered, fittingly.
"
"i just moved to a heavenly farmplace.
it's a halcyon farm-with-much-charm place
with outbuildings ? pretty.
depressed in the city,
i needed this shot-in-the-arm place!
"
"it's unseemly for you, head physician,
to disparage our patient nutrition
arrangements that way.
and allow me to say,
doctor, furthermore (yes, in addition)?
"
"on that hill's a cacuminous tree;
that means ""pyramid top"", as you see.
though my art skills are poor,
i can draw a large for-
est of those, as they're so hassle-free.
"
"since she's filled with strong feeling, such fervor,
for gymnastics, not much will unnerve her
at practices, yet
during contests she'll get
very nervous when judges observe her.
"
"we delocalized hookers today.
they're restricted to spots far away
from their native locality ?
why? illegality ?
causing, for johns, disarray.
"
"for the harness, i made a new belt
not of hide (that is, fell) but of felt.
i can see, from the start,
felt (not fell) falls apart
as my horses and cart cross the veldt.
"
"the coxswain roared, ""feather that oar!""
my response? ""cox, what's feathering for?""
he yelled, ""jerk, must you joke?
at the end of a stroke
it reduces resistance!"" ? then swore.
"
"the extravagantness of our spending
is seemingly, dear, never-ending.
to me it is clear,
thanks to lavishness, we're
on the staircase to poorhouse, descending.
"
"kindly send an enlightener, please!
a mentor or teacher with keys
to free minds from their chains
and illume unlit brains,
with the right shining-bright expertise.
"
"how i feel about you? execration ?
abhorrence, intense detestation.
you've put that young girl
through a dizzying whirl;
her reward is a ruined reputation.
"
"let's contextualize our objective:
place in context to be more reflective
of big-picture effects,
which we know are complex.
if we don't, we'll be far less effective.
"
"let us sign this historic entente.
we've had plenty of time to think on't.
""it's a new understanding
that's fair, undemanding ?
the friendly agreement all want.""
"
"my ass, in a nutshell, is grass.
from taxes i took a long pass;
on returns, what i earned
were all lies ? they've returned.
the result? i've been bit on the ass.
"
"the tall sailor-man swam near the fort,
having missed the ""beware ? sharks!"" report.
as he dove in warm seas,
something chomped 'neath his knees;
that tall sailor, of legs, came up short.
"
"said a flea to a mite passing by,
""you're an acarus, yes, little guy?""
joked the mite, ""i might be.""
cried the flea, ""bad pun ? flee!""
""'twas contrived,"" the mite jived, ""on the fly.""
"
"rain in torrents ? deluginous ? came
to our picnic.  i yelled, ""god-damned shame!""
then a bolt struck my tongue;
a deep voice boomed, ""thou dung!
thou shall not take in vain the lord's name!""
"
"that new special attraction, that feature?
it featured a spine-chilling creature
whose features were scary,
teeth snaggled, chin hairy ?
reminiscent of you, my first teacher.
"
"a disclimax is not what you think:
that your thing is, well, not in the pink.
it's a climax community
that's been changed with impunity;
the cause?  look for man as the link.
"
"they discussed with their groomer, a prussian,
how best they might dry their hound (russian).
when czar started quaking,
they saw what was making
him drier: his shaking (decussion).
"
"i am losing my head 'cause i bedded
the princess before we were wedded.
for that rapture, the order
is: ""stature, make shorter"".
the guillotine's where i'll be headed.
"
"they sound great on the grill! hear those sizzles?
(just don't tell them those ""steaks"" are, umm, pizzles!
a pizzle, you see,
is the part where bulls pee;
if you do, hunger peters out ? fizzles.)
"
"do you see all that aesture, commotion ?
all that fuss? it's a drop in the ocean.
revolution has started!
let's not be faint-hearted;
let's give to that cause full devotion.
"
"though today i am mere cannon fodder,
i was once an esteemed escalader.
i've since added much weight,
plus i've turned forty-eight,
so now climbing a ladder's much hodder.
"
"i thought that my odes would have awed lynn,
but she bitched that my poems were too maudlin ?
""too insipid and drippy
for pearl, mississippi."" ?
so dawdlin' was done with that flawed lynn.
"
"i found old mr. krupp at his cups
downing schnapps at the club where he sups.
that carouser, well-soused,
at first stared, and then groused,
""seems at my age i've more downs than ups!""
"
"law enforcement's emphatic declarement
says, if you have a drinking impairment,
they'll be using their guiles,
all their tricks and their wiles,
to catch you.  and that's called ensnarement.
"
"asked the doc, ""you have pain in your joint?
i prescribe that you (daily) anoint
it with jack's junction ointment
until your appointment;
you'll love it ? it won't disappoint.""
"
"at the round dance is where they dance slow, tate,
or caper in circles.  let's go, tate!
we'll whirl in conjunction
at that social function,
displaying the way we corotate.
"
"i could hear the entire escouade
gasconading aloud in the quad.
at the acting troupe fest,
their small group was the best.
(that squad's great, too, in rodomontade.)
"
"a density gradient's not
a scale of nitwittedness.  what
it is is a range
where stuff's denseness might change
from a little perhaps to a lot.
"
"""attention,"" chen said, ""must be paid
to forces unseen.""  we were swayed;
now our stuff is displaced,
or re-spaced, or 'bout-faced;
yes, our home is more comfy feng-shuied.
"
"i just learned that there's something that you do
that's troubling: practicing voodoo.
such worship must pass
or your ass, lass, is grass ?
give it up, or you'll be in deep doodoo.
"
"an econometrist's a math-head-type guy
who interprets economies by
using metric techniques
(math and stats) as he peeks
into stuff like demand and supply.
"
"""let's erogate, hon (that's spend money),
to learn how to do the hop (bunny).
though we're both 82,
i'm all for it ? are you?""
""no!  hoppin' in wheelchairs looks funny.""
"
"i like fartlek (that's ""speed play,"" jos?!);
i think it's the right workout way,
since intensities change
and the tasks widely range.
that's sound exercise training, i'd say.
"
"you think fatty infiltration's obese
folks invading, disturbing the peace?
nope, it's way too much fat
where it shouldn't be at ?
in your organs ? quit eating that grease!
"
"that loud concionator (haranguer),
would preach in high dudgeon and anger.
in his clerical frock,
he'd shake fists at his flock ?
what a righteous and fierce pulpit-banger.
"
"some country rock's soft, and it's vocal;
other country rock's hard, and it's local.
when i ask. ""who will here
know that last term?"" it's clear
to me solely geology folk'll.
"
"eczema vaccinatum: a disease
caused by smallpox vaccine, where one sees
lesions rapidly spread
over body and head,
elbow crooks and the backs of the knees.
"
"un-faithworthy bess failed the test of her
loyalty. todd got the best of her;
i had a cow,
cause he's kissing her now
and undoubtedly all of the rest of her.
"
"""dasyurine? it ain't what you think.
it is not ?'dasy pee', it don't stink.
it means 'looks like a quoll'.
frankly, that's about all
that i know,"" said my dad, with a wink.
"
"in the 50s, the garment to own
was a bullet bra: each cup a cone.
twin peaks in those days
caused a ""sweater girl"" craze.
guys' eyes glazing from gazing? well known!
"
"at life science, call me a whiz.
asked by teach what an eskimo is,
i mulled, ""give me a minuit?
hah! that's an inuit!"",
acing that last oral quiz.
"
"your dog is ferocious ? a beast
that can tear folks apart and then feast
on their flesh, tightly gripping
a leg and then ripping.
your chihuahua needs leashing, at least.
"
"a shark-raising neighbor, mackenzie,
finds stray kittens.  that bum just pretends he
loves cats. i've the blues.
i am calling the news ?
'cause what truly ensues?  feeding frenzy.
"
"the gold sculpture resembled a swift ?
that cypseloid carving a gift
to my folks. when they died,
our whole tribe dumbly tried
to divide it, thus causing a rift.
"
"that priest puts his words on display;
every mass likes to hear himself pray.
for those loving their voice,
i have words that are choice:
""every ass likes to hear himself bray.""
"
"a fausen some call a young eel,
an old word that has little appeal.
if you call it an eelet,
that's false.  i'll reveal it
is known as an elver ? for real.
"
"cross-contamination? what hospitals dread:
when infections, through carelessness, spread.
prevention demands
careful washing of hands;
of such measures, enough can't be said.
"
"enigmatology: that's a degree
(bs only, there's no phd)
only one person sports:
renowned puzzler will shortz.
how he got it?  long story.  you see?
"
"the betting provisions are clear.
that clause? not exceptive, i fear ?
no exclusion's built in.
if he sues, he will win;
you must spring for his beer all next year.
"
"sal's my echoer ? she's a gal who
just repeats; never adds one thing new.
if someone says oh!
sal says oh! also. so,
parrots parrot. (now i do it too.)
"
"gunter butters up teachers all day;
he'll flatter, or bring a bouquet.
though not terribly bright,
he does sucking-up right
and so rarely gets less than an ""a"".
"
"""what's euphrasy (eyebright)? a plant
claimed to help fix ill eyes,"" said my aunt.
""might it cure my dry eye?""
""why, let's give it a try ?
i don't know if it can or it can't!""
"
"dropped my adding machine ?  i can't trust it.
the ""plus"" button jams (it seems busted).
so no one's amazed
that it's acting bedazed
and confused; it appears i nonplussed it.
"
"i guess we are ignorant boobs.
we had thought that fallopian tubes
were just water-park rides ?
those snaky-type slides.
in those tubes, ova move, not we rubes!
"
"he was innocent, holmes, and i knew it ?
an educible outcome.  construe it:
if jeeves was with me
in my bed till past three,
how'd the butler (that's he) this time do it?
"
"exaggeratedly, mary complained
of how lavishly john entertained
his relations.  she said,
""you served all of our bread!""
when in truth, seven end-crusts remained.
"
"your great gift, dear, admits of my greed
for more food ? says my goal is to feed,
that my life is complete
at an ""all-you-can-eat"".
this full feedbag is just what i need.
"
"exponential's this function, my dear,
since variables (x's) appear
where exponents go.
but you don't need to know
that ""dumb math stuff"" till mid-term next year.
"
"her enduringness all highly praise,
though her patience, she knows, rarely pays.
her sly spouse lies and cheats,
then repeats those deceits.
her forbearance? a coat that ne'er frays.
"
"my accommodativeness fills me with pride;
with indulgence i'm oversupplied.
they say, ""wow, that guy's pliable!
in that, mike's reliable;
his adaptiveness can't be denied.""
"
"we told that new jockey, phil morse,
we were putting a fin on his horse.
he yelled, ""horses don't swim!""
we said, laughing at him,
""a fin is a fiver, of course!""
"
"i had kids on a very large scale.
now they're starving ? and that's my sad tale.
in terms of my breeding
success, i'm succeeding;
in family-feeding i fail.""
"
"i was tired of being a minister;
now i ply a new trade as divinister.
i'm a sorcerer, seer,
a magician. it's clear
my new job is diviner but sinist-er.
"
"my dairy vocation? frustration ?
so i tried a divine education.
i've a brand new dd
(divinity degree),
and am loving my pastorization.
"
"see these curvative leaves, students, please?
slightly sinuous margins have these.
now class, no one denies
that to leaves that applies;
but the same could be said of louise.
"
"your erroneousness? hopeless, i fear.
you're proved wrong, yet you still persevere.
you're so badly mistaken,
yet choose not to waken.
i'm sorry, we're done with you here.
"
"said grace, ""mrs. black, you ignored
the new whiteboards in classrooms we toured:
those boards, dry-erase,
our old chalkboards replace!""
""they're remarkable, grace,"" said black, bored.
"
"at our family's busy caf?,
dad would be on his feet the whole day.
after work he'd complain
that his dogs were in pain;
""daddy's doggies are barking!"" he'd say.
"
"i attempted to liken these three:
lovely you, and a poem, and a tree.
in that task, dear, i failed,
as both tree and poem paled
in comparative beauty to thee.
"
"my fine-featured face looks so grim
'cause i'm sad ? that's except when i swim.
an aquarian friend
says i shouldn't depend
on my looks, but on swim skills ? like him!
"
"well, you can't say the man's hypocritical.
he espouses a view apolitical.
he believes it not crude
to parade in the nude.
my description? that dude's adamitical.
"
"a folding chair's not a good call
for fat bishops; that faldstool's too small.
if ""most reverend"" plops there,
the chair hasn't a prayer ?
a debacle we've got to forestall!
"
"i say women don't often need minders,
but mitt said, ""they've been left-behinders!""
so he told his new staff,
""sort girl wheat from girl chaff
and bring me good women in binders.""
"
"when i heard a bush telegraph drum,
its jungle beat caused me to hum
and to wave my machete,
thus slicing wife betty;
not badly: left boob and right thumb.
"
"""enlargen this space, i demand it ?
it's expansible ? that's how i planned it!""
""we can widen, i checked.
and extend.  but expect
expending big bucks to expand it.""
"
"hear those guys in the street beat the drums
for more money? they once were my chums!
they're promoting the doubling
of wages.  that's troubling ?
they keep dissent bubbling, the bums!
"
"the time for delay is far past;
get to work on this parcel ? full blast!
plus i've gotten a message
they'll pay the expressage,
the fee charged for shipping it fast.
"
"my peashooter sat in its holster;
nervous valor it served well to bolster,
when with one drunken lout
i bravadoed it out.
(""that's not rare,"" writes one peashooter pollster.)
"
"we extemporizers love to make do
with what's there; buying new we eschew.
my dead skunk i lament,
but from him i'll invent
a french scent: eau de pep? le pew.
"
"the diplopodologist said,
""there's a diplopod eating your head.
it's, in lay terms, a millipede.""
screaming, wife willa peed
instantly, wetting their bed.
"
"the ""exterminated"" creature arose.
not extinct, that frog hopped on my nose.
(so his species lives on ?
we had thought it long gone!)
no one knows whence he came, where he goes.
"
"engineer? once i used to be, yes.
the electrical type.  i confess
my designs mostly fizzed;
all my circuitry bzzzzd.
my hair's straight now (was frizzed) ? i'm a mess.
"
"conoidal means ""shaped like a cone"".
it's a word that i think's overgrown,
as plain conoid will do.
connie, what about you?
is conoidal what coneheads condone?
"
"expansiveness: that's what our brains
repeat as we travel in trains
from tightly-packed beaches
to desolate reaches
of unending, featureless plains.
"
"congratulations! your expostulation
has helped many poor in the nation.
your remonstrance succeeded;
we're enacting what's needed ?
legislation to lessen starvation.
"
"twenty years in a grade school he'd toiled;
then his fine reputation was soiled.
charged with child molestation ?
a false accusation ?
with the law he's entangled, embroiled.
"
"now go fill in the boss with the news.
let him know (what a joke!) how much booze
""disappeared"" from your truck;
how you had such ""bad luck"";
how stuff ""happened"" while you took a snooze.
"
"bruce, i must let you go ?  cut you loose.
reasons why? (don't object, it's no use):
number one, your work bites;
number two, you pick fights;
number three, i know moose less obtuse.
"
"do your milking first off, straightaway ?
make it foremost of chores, break of day.
when you hear bovine mutters,
arise, massage udders!
delay will loose moos of dismay.
"
"caught short, meaning ""quite unprepared"",
when my boobs inadvertently aired,
i appealed to the guys,
yelling, ""please close your eyes;
that's what's proper when breasts become bared.""
"
"we are launching a large-scale petition
in our drive to improve school nutrition.
we'll convince all we can;
should we fail, let us plan
for an alternate, fall-back position.
"
"when a check with brief wording is graced,
it is then what is known as enfaced.
scribed a clerk, being funny,
""do not pay in money!""
hence he and that check were replaced.
"
"endometrial hyperplasia: that
is what women might get who are fat.
""tell me, does it cause cancer?""
""oh yes"", is the answer,
""though not always, and not off the bat"".
"
"closed drainage holds run-off from rains
that a pond, lake or basin retains.
with no efflux, no route
for a stream to flow out,
into inland depressions it drains.
"
"you agree that you've made some mistakes ?
that you're fallible? well, that's the breaks.
your wording this time
was disastrous so i'm
not surprised. just one gaffe's all it takes!
"
"if you cross his red line, then obama ?
does nothing! the man is ""no drama"".
such a line became crossed,
but barack seemed, well, lost:
no troops, no o-bombings, no trauma.
"
"i've been fatuous, foolishly stupid.
all this time i thought you were our cupid.
you have stolen my girl,
you perfidious churl!
i'm a jerk, i deserve to be dup?d.
"
"he shows estimableness (worthship of praise)
as he spends his retirement days
helping out, doing good
as he now feels he should
to atone for his once-wicked ways.
"
"earth science? i'm racking my brain;
its full meaning is somewhat arcane.
it employs methodologies
from numerous ""-ologies""
but its root in geology's plain.
"
"the blindfolded girl cried to paul,
""why me?"" and she started to bawl.
after paul explained why,
she said, dabbing her eye,
""yes, i see,"" but saw nothing at all.
"
"where's disappearing dan? he's the man
who's painting my house and my van.
he'll drink his day's pay,
and then vanish next day ?
what might change him? a pay delay can!
"
"gabriello fallopio'd hover
by bodies, their afterlife lover.
he'd find sinews and stuff,
like an arch. not enough?
the fallopian tubes he'd discover!
"
"a disintegrative force tends to split
those things that were formerly knit
into one, into many.
can you think of any
ex ampl es rig h t no w th a t mig ht fi t??
"
"hyman's bearing was feeble and fainty ?
in other words, languid and dainty.
so my friend, an old limey,
concluded: ""cor blimey!
a bi' o' a poof, 'ymie, ain't 'e?""
"
"a fishplate's not found on a menu.
you use it in railroading when you
must join two track rails.
if you do, and it fails,
you're on track for a courtroom-type venue.
"
"my bio's a fictionalization
that bears just the barest relation
to the truth about me;
but it helps, you'll agree,
to improve my depraved reputation.
"
"obama's executive branch
makes conservative congressmen blanch.
they say his laws he's making,
but their laws he's breaking.
impeach him? i'd not bet the ranch.
"
"there are spots on the sun we can cite
that are dark, while some others are light.
call the darker ones maculae,
the lighter ones faculae;
hope they are ""aculae"" right!
"
"he's an engine driver (train engineer)
plus an author, a mix with no peer.
his book, my devotion
to train locomotion,
sold ten thousand copies last year.
"
"that hussy's a horny young fecker,
annoyingly grabbing my pecker.
but i shall not succumb;
such an act would be dumb ?
she's a home-wrecker.  somebody deck 'er!
"
"in my lust for a sesame bagel,
i thought i would try to inveigle
my bro in a plot
to steal two that were hot,
but that's something i couldn't finagle.
"
"yes, jack is the guy; he's the same changer
who'd give the wrong change.  nicknamed ""lame changer"",
jack is no fool ?
went to hunting club school
and now rotates the prey as a game changer.
"
"your fabulousness: that means the state
of your awesomeness, kate, which i rate,
unsurprisingly, low.
please make tracks now, just go ?
i discard you like crumbs off my plate.
"
"my commerson's dolphin is small;
fred's the smallest cetacean of all.
he's a whale of a pet
(so to speak) who stays wet
in my tub, where we both have a ball.
"
"i see erythrism, dear, in your hair ?
it's abnormally red; look right there.
can you tell me, pray, why?
did you use a red dye?
you sure did! i can tell by that glare!
"
"exhibitionistic types think it ok
that their bodies be put on display.
such flaunts should be banned,
as most bods ain't that grand
(i can tell you firsthand, by the way).
"
"an emblazoner, artist, am i.
what i draw always catches the eye.
i'll emblazon designs ?
coats of arms, or strange signs ?
on your things. let's start with that tie.
"
"to a nature preserve, my donation
was my time, doing tree emuscation.
i cleansed lots of moss
from ten oaks, so the boss
said he'd give me an oke commendation.
"
"john of norfolk said, ""what i've been told
is the king's been betrayed, like for gold.
my great liege, friend and master
is facing disaster;
king richard the third's bought and sold!""
"
"that provision's dispositively written.
it directs, ""though my son may be smitten,
he inherits no money
on wedding his 'honey',
that gold-digging, avarous briton.""
"
"something claviform looks like a club ?
not a club where you booze and eat grub,
but the kind used to beat
victim's heads (or their feet)
till they beg for a soothing hot tub.
"
"young john, you are most pertinacious
pursuing what's extrafoliaceous:
certain plant parts that grow
perhaps on or below
a plant's leaves. son, that's quite perspicacious!
"
"trish, your kiss tastes like moldy green cheese.
two exacerbating factors are these:
for starters, how gross is
your foul halitosis ?
next, mustache-hairs swarming with fleas.
"
"the blindsided lawyer yelled ""twit!
there's no trusting you, not the least bit.
why, you seem not to care
if i'm caught unaware ?
one more thing, and i swear, i will quit!""
"
"i had done what i once thought was best:
i enriched myself, feathered my nest,
while i left in the lurch
my whole flock and my church.
now i'm wealthy, it's me i detest.
"
"the growth that you see is dendritical:
arborescent, though that word's not critical.
in much simpler words, bub,
try ""looks like a shrub"" ?
near as good, though it's less analytical.
"
"a graphic that's not at all odd'll
be this, which at first glance seems twaddle:
it's a practical chart
that takes thinking, not art ?
the entity-relationship model.
"
"i encoldened my beer in a brook;
no one knows just how long that it took.
not too long, i suppose
as the beer nearly froze
like my nose, as i dozed in a nook.
"
"what compound exists in this block,
in the fahlband, a stratum of rock?
metal sulfides, i'd say.
i just learnt that today;
any more, and i'd go off half cock.
"
"these extrapolated numbers you see
are estimates we can agree
are historically-based;
the numbers we chased
date as far back as 1903.
"
"how fainted my life-mate, how weak!
so tangled's her mind, she can't speak.
her alzheimer's grows;
my love no longer knows
who i am. what's ahead's worse than bleak.
"
"on that fine analogion sits
a famed duo of classic welsh hits:
there's a worn mabinogion
and a brut y tywysogion,
which i read, now and then, in wee bits.
"
"""daniel, hop to that errand!"" i urged.
from that charge dan discreetly diverged.
he stopped in at a pub
for a pint and pub grub ?
his plod odd when his sod bod emerged.
"
"in their courtlet (small court), lou drinks beers.
he yells, ""love ya!"" out loud. his wife hears.
""who's that talking, dear, you?
or the beer?"" she asks lou.
he says, ""me, to th' beer, hun, ah fears.""
"
"an equilibratory sort of a man,
he balances things when he can:
offers no crazy schemes,
never goes to extremes ?
equilibrium seems his life's plan.
"
"at the cast party, none of us singers
used forks; we all ate with our fingers.
i think finger food's great,
but the one thing i hate
is what's left on the fingers that lingers.
"
"i bought michael an unadorned donkey cart:
one axle, two seats?not a funky cart.
so how will you know it?
three simians tow it ?
and that's why it's called ""michael's monkey cart.""
"
"thanks to fact-finding, crimes were appearing:
fishy dealings in cod racketeering.
howled a pol (grammar odd),
""oh my god!  i am scrod ?
the damn mid-term elections are nearing!""
"
"this school's faculty here is a laugh;
how i know it's a poor teaching staff?
graduation rates: dismal.
job placements: abysmal.
but college costs?  tops, per this graph!
"
"once again, you have do-not-come-near breath.
it's a smell-that-puts-into-me-fear breath.
you've downed brewskies all night;
they reversed. is that right?
i'm not kissing your vomit-and-beer breath!
"
"daring dan, as a great canyoneer,
shows, when canyon-exploring, no fear.
down ravines he'll rappel
to clefts tighter than hell.
(so is dan ? it's that pre-hiking beer.)
"
"helpmates listing one's flaws, that ain't ""lacklisting"".
mobsters making a kill list ain't ""whacklisting"".
but making a list
at ole miss, i insist,
of those waiting admission, that's backlisting.
"
"his fatuousness (silliness) shows
in his clothes. he's an unerring nose
for ridiculous dress;
his attire's a mess.
how he finds such stuff, god only knows.
"
"we'll lose lots on this catering work.
in my quote, at least two problems lurk:
i did not figure in
any costs for the gin
or the tonic; now don't go berserk!
"
"just where should a car go from fargo
carting gophers and chauffeurs as cargo?
minnesota loves gophers,
south dakota loves chauffeurs,
so m. bargeaux rejected key largo.
"
"bill, your intricate scrollwork, your filigree,
is a true work of art. but you will agree
that one thousand bucks
for a duck collar sucks,
since one rarely walks ducks. i and jill agree.
"
"""before loading machine,"" the sign read,
make sure cards even up."" so i said,
""riff and square up a pack,
place on edge, and then smack.
now the stack will be readily fed.""
"
"after fueling my car (that's a fill-up),
the attendant did not bring my bill up.
i yelled, ""what's the delay?""
i'm real busy today!""
he said, """"cool it ? i'm fixing the till up!""
"
"the girls' fearfulness showed that black night.
their scared eyes opened wide, filled with fright.
the vile witch raised their hackles
with piercing cold cackles
and shrieks of unfettered delight.
"
"that's the stupidest picture you've made.
what a dumb way to fill in (that's shade)
your dad's ugly fat head!
it's your mommy, you said?
your art sucks for a kid in third grade.
"
"erasability doesn't exist
on the internet. those who insist
on expunging their stuff
sadly learn soon enough
all their uploads will somehow persist.
"
"the price i'll edulcorate more:
give me three shares, i'll pay you for four.
yes, this deal i will sweeten;
it cannot be beaten.
agree, or i walk out the door.
"
"as we shared a post-flute-contest tipple.
my flautist friend showed me a fipple.
in his briefcase he dug
and extracted a plug;
a wind mouthpiece (reverse of a nipple).
"
"my wife said she found out today
that she's now in a family way,
but john ""donated sperm""
(she said that was his term)
and whose kid it will be she can't say.
"
"asking strangers to spare him a dime,
a once proud, now sad, man sang a rhyme
of the world's great depression ?
a plaintive expression
of joblessness marking that time.
"
"entrepreneurialism sets me aflame!
to start and run firms is my aim.
my whole stake is at stake
for each risk that i take,
because ""flourish or fail!"" is my game.
"
"cyclopteridae (lumpfish): these fishes
aren't found in gefilte fish knishes,
and their excellent roe,
kind of 'caviar faux',
missed the list of bar mitzvah dish wishes.
"
"my best friend sired a beautiful daughter.
i got all fired up and i sought her.
i'm no pervert, of course;
she's a young female horse,
that fine filly's a winner ? i bought her.
"
"my wife jane, looking grim, had a scowl.
my girl betty let out a long howl.
i'd played a cruel trick ?
said i ate bet's fave chick.
both both cried for the fowl and cried foul.
"
"your accounts aren't auditable ? no!
backup's messy or missing, joe. so,
since for audits impeccable
books must be checkable,
bye, joe. i'll pack up and go.
"
"electronic-type music: insightful
foes pan it ? one critic yelled, ""frightful!""
synthetically made,
it's, thank god, rarely played.
(except when my son's acting spiteful.)
"
"through that window, a casement, watch grace work.
it's a dank place, with crumbling brick facework
(the outside front face).
careful, grace! they'll replace
slaves who don't at a furious pace work.
"
"i have just lost the battle of wits;
they have blown my fine logic to bits.
i must give up the fight,
since i'm wrong and they're right.
so that's it, i am calling it quits.

i just cannot go on ? there's no way.
i'm exhausted, more effort won't pay.
there's much more to be done,
but tomorrow's best, son.
grab that sixpack ? let's call it a day!
"
"what desiccative climates will do
is preserve things through drying.  we knew
paw was shot in the head
in the desert.  long dead,
dear old daddy's a mummy, it's true.
"
"i'm a medieval sage. you can see
over there's my new servant/trainee.
he's a cousin, though distant,
who's now my assistant;
a fabulous famulus, he!
"
"you're with child; on your finger's no ring.
honey, feticide's not the right thing ?
don't abort your unborn,
or through life you'll be torn
by the tears of regret it will bring.
"
"please grasp that worm firmly, not wormily,
though it moves in a way kinda spermily.
yes, get your grip tightened
and don't act so frightened ?
just quit acting squiggly-squirmily!
"
"speak in praise of the velvet mesquite:
a tough legume, its branches replete
with soft leaves that give aid
from their life-saving shade,
and with pods that god's creatures can eat.
"
"i shall feed back some feedback that's true
of the breath that you output:  pee-yoo!
i've a firm diagnosis:
you've foul halitosis.
don't kiss me, whatever you do.
"
"in solution this compound won't go:
dissolvability's notably low.
here's some acid.  let's test
it.  i'd say it's the best
dissolution solution i know.
"
"what's a fishhook?  to that i reply,
""it's a hook with a barb and an eye.""
to that eye tie a line;
on a creek bank recline.
you'll an unlucky fish, with luck, fry.
"
"a centipede's lousy with feet
on a body whose segments repeat.
a house chilopod's scary;
mine's dubbed ""hairy mary"".
she catches yum roaches to eat.
"
"babe begged, ""bear with me, bob, i implore.""
i had borne with forbearance before
though much boredom i had;
but i did as babe bade,
and i bore with my baby once more.
"
"i crave omelets ? that yen i can't curb
when they're seasoned with well-chopped fines herbes.
no chervil?  use cicely,
that works very nicely.
adding cress makes those omelets superb!
"
"that sloshed swabbie who slept like a log
got us lost in this pea-soup-thick fog,
so it's time that i whip
all drunk tars on this ship ?
those too fond of the grog i shall flog.
"
"""the clinic (prenatal) in dallas
said erythroblastosis fetalis
can be nipped in the bud
when it's found in the blood,
before giving birth,"" remarked alice.
"
"if intensity tuning you seek,
choose argh; it's a word that's unique
in conveying frustration
by multiplication
of letters: the more, the more pique.
"
"for this speaking award you've long yearned;
now you've got it. no doubt it's well-earned!
when you came, you were shy,
a ""no-speech-for me!"" guy;
now you're eloquent, glib ? so facund!
"
"evil spirits are gone ? hip-hooray!
exsufflation once more saves the day.
are there devils about?
priests need only breathe out;
exhalation blows demons away.
"
"i drank too much wine, a whole flagon ?
maybe two.  so tonight, yeah, i'm draggin'.
my wife's wrath's even worse;
to such sprees she's averse ?
until dawn she'll be cursin' n' naggin'.
"
"do you see what the hell john is tagging?
a dragon (komodo), tail wagging!
low on brains, high on brawn,
the guy's zeal's welded ""on"" ?
never saw his butt flagging (that's dragging)!
"
"mikey cries for a train that goes choo
and not vroom (well, not one choo, but two).
out of this i can't weasel
by buying a diesel;
just steam locomotives will do.
"
"absentee ends in ""tee"", you'll agree.
but its ""or"" buddy's missing, you see.
there is no absentor!
let me say a tad more:
absentor is a true absentee.
"
"let me put this whole thing into focus ?
make clear that your ""faith"" nearly broke us.
please desist from donations
to saintly vocations ?
no dough for divine hocus-pocus!
"
"dave's a dainteous stripling, now ain't he?
he's delicate, high-strung, and fainty.
he likes nothing that's rough
and sheds tears when i'm gruff.
he was born, and will always be, dainty.
"
"that extravagancy we can't afford.
no 3d tv! ? underscored.
such immoderate spending,
with college costs pending,
you're not comprehending!  stay bored!
"
"the small baitfish, behind the old eight ball,
used their last-ditch defense: formed a great ball.
there the little guys tried
to find places to hide,
but those wee fishies died in their bait ball.
"
"the declarement came down from on high:
""this campus next year will be dry!""
what, you think i'm a fool?
i won't stand for that rule!
alma mater, i kiss you goodbye.
"
"what you offer is so improportionate
to your price, the deal's off. that's unfortunate.
i shall resist;
it's too high, i insist,
to watch pole dancers twist (be contortionate).
"
"my daughter is acting, well, fey:
in a whimsical, fanciful way.
she's imagining kings
and magical rings,
which is fine; she is nine, that's her play.
"
"we fish from the top of this rock. why?
more fish swim near here than the dock.  why,
by this fast-flowing stream
sockeye fishing's a dream ?
but do not call these great waters ""aquae""!
"
"a consolidator brings things together.
so visit one soon to learn whether
all your loans could be one.
go consolidate, son;
make your payment chore light as a feather.
"
"so how is your earthbank today ?
that big dirt pile of rock, soil, and clay
for some reason you save?
is it fame that you crave?
better stop, or they'll put you away!
"
"i've got too many things on my plate ?
overburdened's my lot, no debate.
i'm discouraged and blue
and disheartened, that's true;
disanimation's the word for my state.
"
"yes, i'm dexter, the expurgator king.
i scrub filth from the drafts authors bring ?
purging words from their screeds,
keeping pure what one reads.
kindly join with me now, as i sing?
"
"she's a cute little child i, must say.
her aunt lois attends her each day.
they skip to a beat
to a park down the street
? ? where the dear and her auntie lo play. ? ?
"
"he was drunk when he boasted, ""i'm fit!
if you're looking for health, i am it!""
then the bane of his life,
his laconic young wife,
said what cut like a knife: ""full o' shit.""
"
"i like alison lundergan grimes:
she's a candidate right for our times.
though her moniker's wordy,
and hints ""something's dirty"",
anapestically? great for one's rhymes!
"
"the cultural anthropologist said this:
""your society's rules are amiss:
you've no art and no dance,
men wear bras but no pants,
and a marriage is sealed with a hiss.""
"
"on a date, as a lusty young pup,
i'd explore under debbie's a-cup.
but whenever she'd frown,
i'd feel low ? meaning ""down"".
feeling down feeling up?  that's messed up.
"
"for espousing bad policies fiscal,
liz pissed off our boss, mayor driscoll,
whose oak cane he then aimed
at ms. liz, who was maimed,
as he'd caused a large skull-dent meniscal.
"
"my demure european pet tortoise
is dead and in stiff rigor mortis.
my garden's testudo,
a dude i named pluto,
was killed when i spilled aqua fortis.
"
"the latest engraftment i've seen
was a pea scion joined to a bean.
lordy, what a mistake.
should that graft someday take,
we'd see peas with a bean in between.
"
"our escargatoire (nursery of snails)
gives us daily five overfilled pails
of la zigrinata.
now, based on firm data,
our heliciculture zooms sales!
"
"i am finished with finishing school.
no longer a mannerless fool,
i have learned to stop whining
and giggling. when dining,
no burping, or slurping of gruel.
"
"there is exce?s fati?cence, methinks,
in tho?e chinks twixt thy chainmail's me?hed links,
thy ?pou?e clare's thy de?igner?
for fair, i'd confine 'er
to tees ? her aggres??ion-wear ?tinks.
"
"""should she live, or be stoned for her sin?""
asks the judge of the horde.  midst the din,
the bloodthirsty crowd
chants as one, very loud,
""do her in, do her in, do her in!""
"
"if it's me you depend on, just shout.
keep in mind that i'm pious, devout.
if you're counting me in
to commit mortal sin,
let's dispel any doubt: count me out.
"
"that benghazi crew's at it agin.
they been at it since ah don't know whin.
seems ferever they're tryin'
to prove sommun's lyin',
and lyin', they say, is a sin.
"
"the priest's fatherliness made him attractive,
like a dad, but he would have been sacked if
the church had found out
that that pedophile lout
had been more than paternally active.
"
"you ain't dadlike at all, uncle dan.
pop don't say i should ""do what i can
to track down a real job"".
he wrote, ""bob, you should rob
bigger banks to bail out your old man.""
"
"see my body shield, fat, black, and red?
it stops bullets that might make me dead.
it attaches right here,
to my arms. i've no fear
(that's unless i get shot in the h
"
"thy brass weight's equiponderance, kate,
with my nugget of gold i debate.
i espy that thy finger
dost furtively linger
o'erlong on its claimed ""honest weight"".
"
"scrooge's wallet is locked in his poke;
he's a fast-handed (tight-fisted) bloke.
when i begged him for bread
for frog rescue, he said,
""don't even help kin. let 'em croak.""
"
"last night my wife chafed me in bed,
yes, she scolded me, face turning red.
""on this we agree:
you don't listen to me!""
(at least, that's what i think that she said.)
"
"as evidenced by the demand,
users love buying pot that is canned.
indisputable proof?
sales have gone through the roof ?
far exceeding the volume we'd planned.
"
"i goaded my pooch ? on i egged him.
i taunted and yelled, even begged him.
but stubborn old rover
refused to roll over;
for a doggedness prize, now, i've pegged him.
"
"yes, a corporate inversion we need
to avoid us tax.  let's proceed ?
re-incorporate, go
to where taxes are low.
love our country? hell no, we love greed!
"
"in use since 300 b.c,
euclid's algorithm makes gcd
calculations a snap;
it's a great way to trap
greatest common divisors. agree?
"
"with my firearm, my portable gun,
i keep varmints and such on the run.
i use that small heater,
a six-shot repeater,
to scare squirrels and birds. lots of fun!
"
"my brain's dumb on some days, ideas nil,
like i took a stupidity pill.
dear, it worries me so,
as i think you should know
that on others my brain's duller still.
"
"""done and dusted!"" i said when the deal
was concluded.  they're happy, but we'll
not sell gems any more
to that fine jewelry store.
those stones were no steal ? they ain't real.
"
"she's no longer a tomboy? hooray!
let's effeminise rose straightaway.
do her hair (it's a mess!),
have her put on this dress ?
rose, our rosebud, will blossom today!
"
"equilibrists' balancing acts
give an audience goose-bump attacks.
fearless rope-walkers ply
slender byways up high;
on taut strands in the sky they make tracks.
"
"since, dear margaret, i just heard you beg
i'll explain the strange term crawling peg:
when exchange rates get jumpy
their landing's not bumpy,
as pegs slow things down. get that, meg?
"
"said the doc to my overwrought missus,
""false pregnancy, that is what this is.
one can't get with child
from a love life that's mild,
comprising just pats, hugs and kisses!""
"
"she's so sapient, that's why i chose her:
to define a tough word, a real poser.
she said, ""i suppose
since disposit?'?s 'dispose',
a dispositor, then's, a disposer.""
"
"""don't cosset, don't featherbed guy ?
every day pot-head works he gets high!""
""i'd attempt to be rough,
make his job a bit tough,
but he shares what he puffs, so why try?""
"
"my departure, dear daughter, is nigh.
ere this dark day is o'er i shall die.
yes, it's time that i go ?
very likely below,
but i'm hoping like hell it's up high.
"
"my cat trish failed to fill a fond wish
to concoct a fine dish from my fish ?
forsaking fish baking,
ironically making
a mess: a fine kettle of fish.
"
"i'll excecate young tim, i.e. blind him ?
put his peeping tim days far behind him.
no more will he peek,
nor you shriek your shrill ""eek!""
(that's unless, dear monique, you don't mind him.)
"
"get to work, lads, you've got to get cracking!
grab some fardage ? of that we're not lacking.
protect all that tonnage
with plenty of dunnage;
be quick, or you won't be sent packing!
"
"i can't tell what this strange thing is for.
what's it's purpose? now, let me explore.
i'll slide this latch here?
and rotate this weird gear?
what's that ticking? oh, crap ?  hit the floor!
"
"the morning was blah, foul and foggy,
when i went for a jog with my doggie.
when gray mist turned to rain,
i returned (what a pain!)
with my doggie and jogging togs soggy.
"
"tried to chop an old car, but was stopped;
at old pop's chop-chop chop shop, i flopped.
pop said, ""charlie, no choppee
that crappy jalopy!""
at pop's shop, just top cars are chopped.
"
"all those cannibalized parts that you see
chop shops took from your car, yesiree!
they've a great reputation
for cannibalization,
where hoods fence filched cars hassle-free.
"
"your flesh rot, clinicopathologically-speaking,
(from exams and from labs) is now peaking,
on the way's more decay
we've no way to allay.
hey, what more can i say? you'll die reeking.
"
"compulsory figures? don't think
that our sizes must grow or must shrink!
they are figures on ice
and they must be precise
to compete in an ice-skating rink.
"
"an exaggerator's one i decry;
she'll exaggerate, tell a white lie.
her truthfulness?  lax ?
lies by stretching the facts,
and those stretchers she'll always deny.
"
"a crossed market we have, trader syd,
as your ask price is less than my bid.
i'd best fix that right now
ere my boss has a cow ?
it's an error the programming did!
"
"our chorographical work has just started.
no part of this district's been charted.
though this craggy terrain
will result in much pain,
let's stay upbeat and not get down-hearted.
"
"from the day caitlin first put on skates,
she attempted to trace figure eights.
now on ice rinks or lakes,
twin ice circles she makes
that are perfect.  she's one of the greats!
"
"the millipede's name bears deceit;
those diplopodous bugs have no feet!
they've no tootsies, not one,
as you'll see when they run;
legs-legs joint, legs-legs joint, ? [just repeat].
"
"for you to obtain grandma's deed,
this form's data is all that i need.
simply fill in the blanks
and i'll soon have your thanks;
her eviction will promptly proceed.
"
"he roared, in a voice full but halting,
""i've never heard hymns so? exalting.
on your organ, you proudly
like lauding him loudly.
but hearing ? and ears ? you're assaulting!""
"
"i burst all my buttons, so proud
that my voice had excited the crowd:
they kept shouting loud cheers!
(not for songs ? it appears
i had boob-spill each time that i bowed.)
"
"""hey gob! quit yer bitchin' n' mutterin',
and get on with yer work as a cutter-in!
just start at the tail
and de-blubber this whale!""
""ye-ye-yessir,"" the sailor said, stutterin'.
"
"for her dip-solder deftness all laud her.
for great circuit board dipping applaud her:
watch her mask, flux and dip
in a heartbeat, then drip ?
yes, my daughter's the diva of solder!
"
"in confessional terror one day,
i put all my misdeeds on display.
then inside that brown box,
gruff but kind father fox
gently washed fear and sin both away.
"
"all the workers who toil at this station
share the same common root (filiation):
they're from pittsburgh, pa,
and they're all proud to say
they descend from the great steeler nation.
"
"since destroyed things are much to my liking,
in a firing range i am hiking.
today it is sunday;
""no shooting till monday,""
they said, but is that a shell str?
"
"in this aerial gunnery range
i go hiking. some say that i'm strange
as i stroll here admiring
planes bombing and firing,
uncaring i might be in dange?
"
"the urge struck. to the bathroom i rushed,
but i just couldn't go, so i brushed
my teeth while i strained.
when i left, goal attained,
my four cheeks ? plus commode ? were all flushed.
"
"i shan't disaccommodate thee;
thy convenience means all things to me,
prithee lie thee beside
me, as i, a new bride,
am convenient as any could be.
"
"our new sewer inspector, rex hector,
is a very intrepid expecter.
he expects that his nose,
wherever it goes,
will find leaks ?  it's a ""fecal detector"".
"
"she was murdered most foully today ?
in a wicked and villainous way.
beheaded in bed
by the groom she'd just wed,
having shed her false teeth and toupee.
"
"the newspaper, folded (that's bent),
held dead fish (i could tell by the scent)
and a note.  laughed a lot;
some dumb gangster wrote not
""shoes of concrete,"" but ""shoes of cement"".
"
"a thing that's at stake might be lost
at a high or a trivial cost.
that cost this time is high;
throw a twelve and i die
on the spot as those two dice are tossed.
"
"see that fairwater here, on our sub?
it reduces our drag. here's the rub:
while i'm standing here thinking
of fairings, we're sinking,
or diving. goodbye, friend?o
??????????????????????????????????????????????o
??????????????????????????????????????????????o
??????????????????????????????????glub glub?
"
"they've lived in a wetland, a fen,
ever since they broke out of the pen.
""fen's the right place to be
for a jail escapee,""
is the pen chant for those escaped men.
"
"with bagpiper eddie i sat
in a sauna, half-clothed, on a mat.
i said, ""under that kilt, ed,
your ""thing"" sure looks wilted ?
are all of you scots built like that?""
"
"i'm the victim, it seems, of foul play.
my identity? stolen away.
my safe? it's been cracked.
my passwords?  they're hacked.
for these crimes, my dear mother, you'll pay.
"
"all you said, hon, was, ""just get a few.""
i knew that you meant more than two,
so i asked for just four.
but the clerk said, ""few's more!""
and so that, dear, is how a few grew.
"
"what has finitude?  something that's bounded,
like a fortress enclosed and surrounded.
but my love for you, dear,
isn't finite, that's clear;
it keeps growing like interest compounded.
"
"so i say to my pal, ""what a deal.
all that's left of this loaf is the heel.
you pretend you're a friend,
but this shpitzel's the end!
rachel, this time i'm leaving for real.""
"
"my youngest, who spews language foul,
last sunday let out a loud howl,
then cried, ""ma, you're a witch!
you're a fat, ugly bi?""
when i stuffed that fat trap with a towel.
"
"that morning saw groaning and moaning
as the preacher glazed eyes with his droning.
parishioners dread
a long sermon that's read
in a manner that's dull and intoning.
"
"i shall determinably settle our feud.
here's the proof you improperly shoed
my poor horse. there's no nails!
with just glue, your work fails.
that's why i and the shoes came unglued!
"
"down below where the sun never shines,
ore's extracted from dangerous mines.
to the surface it's rushed
where it's typically crushed;
after screening, the ""crumbs"" are called fines.
"
"short a train engineer, in a bind,
i'll do back-to-back shifts.  i don't mind,
but with two shifts of sitting
i'm often admitting
i leave with a tender behind.
"
"cook him wieners galore, let 'er rip.
he'll eat lots all at once; he's a trip!
i've seen him, you know,
eating twelve at one go
(or as others might say, ""at a clip"").
"
"my friend patrick is clearly eristical.
why he constantly argues is mystical.
i asked,  ""pat, goodness gracious ?
why so disputatious?""
""i'm irish,"" said he. ""it's statistical.""
"
"there's a musical statement i know
called a break strain, that ruptures the flow
of a march or a rag.
it's a battle-sound flag
that for war tunes is most apropos.
"
"this march has a dogfight, that's clear.
if you listen, it soon will appear.
high and low voices start
to ""fight"" at that part ?
it's a break strain.  now shush! it starts here.
"
"in the bible, the writers were fibbing ?
if not lying, then surely ad libbing.
what boob would believe:
""take a rib, make an eve?""
it is we who are taking the ribbing.
"
"i first fell for that green fruit faijoa
when a kiwi brought one to samoa.
this fruit i'm now breedin'
in eastern dunedin;
i became a famed guavasteen groa.
"
"those expansion joints? not a big deal:
simply gaps between sections of steel,
or of concrete, so planned
as to let them expand,
not to add to aesthetic appeal.
"
"the nun's fever got worse in the night ?
exacerbescence ? and that sealed her plight.
just as dawn's blue chill broke,
from death's dark a voice spoke:
be not fearful, for i am the light.
"
"on sundays i watch downton abbey
with my husband, who gets a bit crabby
as i watch these brit dramas
in ratty pajamas;
but of highclere he says, ""not too shabby"".
"
"your dealing and squatting: two wrongs ?
selling drugs where a renter belongs.
let's make half of it legal:
my dump ain't too regal ?
i'll trade for a caseload of bongs!
"
"coregonus: the freshwater whitefish.
i caught some (for me they're the right fish),
but ate sushi that night
as the wood wouldn't light ?
even raw, it's an outright-delight fish.
"
"endophthalmitis she's got in each cavity;
that, sir's, an ill of some gravity.
it seems, during highs,
you lick your chick's eyes
with unwholesome tongue.  such depravity!
"
"the trouble in kew that is brewing
is strictly your fault ? it's your doing.
your ""bottomless bars"",
where the fannies wear stars,
are bizarre; bummed-out neighbors are stewing.
"
"the words of our deal clearly state
your deed ""x"" must be done by ""y"" date.
that day's a date certain:
""lose loud, cheesy curtain
by june the sixteenth of oh-eight.""
"
"at breakfast-time, dunking my cruller,
i was struck that my lover's a duller:
one so tragically dumb
she blunts thought ? my brain's numb.
after drinking my latte, i'll cull 'er.
"
"i'm embarrassed ? my plan's gone awry.
such a foul-up! i picked the wrong guy
as our partner.  that limey
is nothing but slimy ?
he's stolen our handgun supply!
"
"he's a scot, and he tortures my sleep;
his loud bagpiping drones, and i weep.
how those tiresome moans
chill my worn-out old bones.
my reprisal that piper will reap!
"
"fellow fellators, let me begin
today's forum on ""is it a sin
if erotic enjoyment
includes the employment
of mouths?"" by first wiping my chin.
"
"let us chill in the cold and the snow
of the arctic to watch nature's show.
we shall find, for a laugh,
a small iceberg, a calf;
we'll corral it and go with the floe.
"
"is there profit in bonds? my advice
is that current yield may not suffice.
when investing one's treasure
there's more than one measure
of value than simply the price.
"
"in the ""war to end wars"", in vain died
two young soldiers; one man from each side.
each bled lamb in his trench,
in his lungs death's foul stench,
bridged, in death, the war's stubborn divide.
"
"the physicist  paled. he'd been goaded
by priest's words, religiously loaded:
""what a bucket of piss!
big bang theory is this:
naught existed, yet somehow exploded!""
"
"here's what i learned from my niece:
""a grease marker's not made of grease.
that usage is lax;
for the accurate fact's
its 'grease' is strong wax!""  thanks, clarice.
"
"at teatime outside, i am buttering
the toast, when i hear a bird's fluttering
(a flapping of wings),
and though sweetly it sings,
""do not aim for the plate,"" i am muttering.
"
"joe, your cytoglucopenia's this:
a condition where something's amiss ?
cells lack glucose.  now go ?
that is all that i know.
(and besides, gotta so take a piss!)
"
"they will hold an aqiqah, they say,
next week, on their son's seventh day:
give his hair's weight in gold.
and kill goats from the fold.
muslims greet and name babies that way.
"
"we have both come to know him this year;
though not bright, he's good-natured, sincere,
and from what we have learned,
should you wed, we've discerned
he's the kind you could re-engineer.
"
"turning forty, she said, ""guess my age.""
he blunderingly said, ""i would gauge?
forty-five? just a guess.""
well, that goof caused a mess;
she decamped, not repressing her rage.
"
"this revised eia is depressing;
""green"" issues galore need addressing.
this appraisal projects
some horrendous effects.
did the tree-huggers do the assessing?!
"
"""crystal habit is not about meth!""
i yelled at the cop, ""hold your breath!
it's the shape of a crystal.
please put down that pistol ?
we rock hounds are scared near to death!""
"
"when the wife came to term, their son came.
a mullah they hired chose the name.
he refunded their moola;
he'd named him ""abdullah"",
forgetting their surname's the same.
"
"""what's a fogbow?""  ""a rainbow of fog.""
""that's so duh! i'm left anti-agog.""
""yes, that question's a bore.
mike, don't ask any more,
like, are smogbows, then, rainbows of smog?""
"
"this drab room lacks pizzaz; it is hurtin'.
we can fix it in no time, i'm certain.
i know what it's lacking:
bright drapes! let's get cracking;
all windows, i say, let's becurtain.
"
"do you see this four-poster, this bed?
it's the best thing for me since sliced bread.
with its canopied top
and its curtains i drop
off to sleep merely resting my head.
"
"next week, while we're on our vacation,
let's forget all about evigilation
let no timepiece awake
us; let's laze at the lake.
to a clock we'll have no obligation.
"
"my son's yard's on a ""whale"". that's not fit!
'tis but gravel and sand, that is it.
in the main, heavy rains
simply drain; he complains,
""that dumb drumlin retains not a bit!""
"
"""to draw intraperitoneal fluid,
what's the old way the books say to do it?""
i'd just read a thesis
on culdocentesis:
""transvaginal needle.""  i knew it!
"
"how eludible, dear, is thy heart ?
evading sweet grasp from the start.
with your love never won,
do you know what you've done?
you've upended my life's apple cart.
"
"a durzee, an indian tailor,
was romanced by my buddy, a sailor.
i needled him: ""joe,
tell me, how did things go?""
he replied, ""just so-so.  couldn't nail 'er""
"
"we are saved from a fiery fate!
that new firewall's working just great;
though combustion surrounds us,
walls safely impound us!
d'ya mind if i smoke? (nervous trait.)
"
"that he's guilty, young frenchy denies.
make your judgment objective and wise
(that is, trust your discernance)
while we're in adjournance;
ignore those who hope frenchy fries.
"
"our counters? they must be redone.
pro-and-con talk today has begun.
i prefer granite rock;
he insists ""butcher block!""
counter-arguments: yeah, loads of fun.
"
"i once flew on a terrible flight.
awful turbulence ruled the whole night.
all those heart-stopping motions
caused kids to cry oceans,
and my colon to overexcite.
"
"a conservative rag in south cedars
scrubbed the headline ""team plays without peters""
for ""team wins in a rout
with [it's true!] peters out"".
such strange ""censoring"" mystifies readers.
"
"the electroencephalograph tool
makes electroencephalograms ? cool!
with some legerdemain,
it sees waves in your brain,
but can't tell if you're genius or fool.
"
"when our girl gang gets drunk we delight
in a free-for-all, no-holds-barred fight.
hair is pulled, with much punching,
nails breaking, bods crunching;
a fem-stew of kick, scratch and bite.
"
"such an estimably high reputation ?
so esteemed for her singing vocation!
at one part her voice soars
as her heart she outpours,
and she's thanked with a standing ovation.
"
"the word eche meant ""taper"" and ""each""
and ""augment"" and ""eternal""; a peach
of a word i have used,
though i get things confused
and get itchy when giving a speech.
"
"milady was febrile: excited,
ecstatical, fevered, delighted.
she would soon be the wife
of the light of her life.
just last night his full troth her knight plighted.
"
"a bourdon gives bagpipes their tone:
it emits a monotonous drone.
when the band has moved on
and the bagpipes are gone,
that lost moan's mourned by scotsmen alone.
"
"our eviction took place; our pad's gone.
ejected we were, right at dawn.
we made good our intent
to skip paying the rent;
that's why all of our junk's on the lawn.
"
"at sixteen, what has come to fruition?
my longstanding hosiery ambition!
i can wear what i wish:
stockings made out of fish-
net ?what folks who net fish net their fish in.
"
"it's so sad lafayette is unbeddable,
as that strong estafette?'s  unforgettable.
that equestrian courier ?
handsome, brave warrior ?
fancies knights only. regrettable!
"
"to a teuton der teufel said, ""hey ?
time is up, fool; today is the day!""
but when faust ""mercy!"" cried,
that droll punster replied,
""tut mir leid, you've the devil to pay!""
"
"i knew two kentish blokes, dim-bulb divvies,
who'd go hunting clad only in skivvies ?
not in wellies or tweed
breeks or waistcoats; indeed,
should they come, they're the ones a host chivvies.
"
"in our youth, we stood searching the skies:
where's the sun? we could only surmise.
so we stayed up all night;
at sun's rise, saw the light
and it dawned on us. no big surprise.
"
"this hide's huge; it will take me an hour
to remove its top layer (efflower).
of course, there's remorse
that i shot my old horse.
he's to blame, though: he'd lost his horse power.
"
"i mispronounce firmament ?""firmanent"",
to rhyme with a word such as permanent.
i shall henceforward try,
for those stars in the sky,
to pronounce that word right ? i'm determinant.
"
"though i'm puzzled, i truly don't care ?
the ""evaporated"" milk is still there.
it's my plan to make flan
and i can, as the can
contains milk, where i'd swear there'd be air.
"
"our project is ready to go.
we need financing: venture-type dough.
we've tapped out your dad ?
""borrowed"" all that he had;
grandma's next, since, like him, she's real slow.
"
"that woman's a treacherous stranger.
an alluring, mysterious danger,
she's a true femme fatale
who'll seduce you, old pal;
so take care ? she's a life rearranger.
"
"you have only two choices, effectively,
not three. you can choose one electively.
i myself would suggest
the annuity's best;
it assures a fixed income, protectively.
"
"""i am forthright."" that claim i reject.
false ""straightforwardness"" we should expect
from a slick politician
with boundless ambition ?
the type na?ve voters elect.
"
"distinguishments, that's what i write,
meant to clarify words that folks might,
when they hear them, confuse,
like a cruise with accrues,
and a bight with a byte and a bite.
"
"friends all bet i would fall off the wagon.
my sobriety, though, isn't flaggin'.
i shall not drink again
till i learn to say ""when!"";
of my dryness till then i'll be braggin'.
"
"having seashell valves equal in size:
equivalvular ? that's no surprise.
your face is bemused;
perhaps you're confused.
thinking vulvalar? fine, roll your eyes.
"
"do you like this new deadbeat device?
the fact it lacks kickback's quite nice!
there's no recoil, jack,
cause strong springs hold things back.
it's not cheap, but it's worth twice the price.
"
"our babysitting friend kept a book
always hidden, but i got a look
when i searched nooks and crannies.
its name? crooks and nannies?!
well, needless to say, i was shook.
"
"don't get huffy, kid ? this is the norm.
freshmen students must fill out this form.
just supply what's requested,
and once we have blessed it
your mommy can live in the dorm.
"
"""your lead is commanding,"" i said
to my candidate.  ""way far ahead
of the next highest guy,
and i think i know why ?
all the voters you've conned and misled.""
"
"your graffiti's emotive, expressional;
the feelings expressed are professional.
putting all that aside,
your request is denied;
no street art shall foul this confessional.
"
"a tough dictator: that's what we need
(not freedom!) to thrive and succeed.
a despotist, i;
for repression i'd die,
for a stalin i'll fight and i'll bleed.
"
"no explanative words bring relief
from our heartbreak, our sadness and grief.
please justify why,
lord, our child had to die;
why you stole her brief life like a thief.
"
"talking guns, our maniacal sarge
says, ""the firing pin sets off the charge ?
hits the striker right there.""
then he adds, with a glare,
""does it jam? i hope not!"" (pupils large).
"
"disreputation!  my god, it's complete!
honor's gone, and the reason? i cheat.
i lost my good name
to my lies. i'm to blame
when i lose my house seat to deceit.
"
"the bagpipeless piper was sore.
he yelled loudly, ""now this i deplore!
""why would pilferer's filch
an old bagpipe worth zilch?
has my bagpiping been such a bore?""
"
"i'm insanely enamored of jane ?
she's got me beguiled, though she's plain.
undeservedly haughty,
unreservedly naughty,
jane's lust trumps the fact that she's vain.
"
"ship these products to bangkok? that's out!
exportability's gravely in doubt.
there's no snowpack in my land ?
it's tropical thailand ?
so snowshoes we thais do without.
"
"i shall buy at the duddery, ruth,
wool cloth for a waistcoat. in truth,
a houndstooth, i think,
suits me well, in bright pink.
then we'll hie to a clothier's booth!
"
"do advice, information, and snow
take indefinite articles? no!
but with nouns one can count
a numeric amount,
for just one, a or an?'s apropos.
"
"that ""lady"" i saw was a looker.
i took 'er for sure as a hooker.
so i said to my gal,
""that's some buttock, eh, sal?""
""that's your ma."" oh my god! i'd mistook er'!
"
"that gorilla keeps rattling his cage;
his anger i cannot assuage.
i'm getting unglued
from that simian's mood;
he is driving me ape with his rage.
"
"epigrammatists? authors who write
pithy sayings: short, witty, which bite,
like ""men seldom make passes
at girls who wear glasses"" ?
and others, too many to cite.
"
"since my stamina's low, as a rule,
doctor drew said, ""let's use my new tool.
this ergometer's great;
it will tell us the state
of your energy use.""  pretty cool!
"
"""guess who just got a haircut?!""  ""i see.
it's a flattop, and short as can be.
on a guy, i maintain,
hair that's flat, like a plane,
is ok; but on jane?  disagree!""
"
"rodney caught me flat-footed today;
he asked me to just run away.
i replied, ""if you're hope
is that i would elope,
i'm not ready. but groping's ok.""
"
"i wear glasses. some kid hollers, ""four-eyes!""
i answer, ""you jerk, i've no more eyes
than you!""  i reflect
on this gross disrespect;
then i punch out his lights, yelling ""sore eyes!""
"
"what i got from that graphics savant
for my ads is a customized font
to help sell macaronis.
his pasta-bodoni's
exactly the typeface i want.
"
"a bog is this wet, mushy ground
that is making that wet, slushy sound.
let's take care here, my dear;
if we don't, then i fear
we'll submerge and might never be f
"
"the firemen work down the street
at the firehouse. there they will meet
on a hot august day
and complain straightaway
about sissies who can't take the heat.
"
"empanadas are turnovers, fred ?
very varied.  wrap soft, flat white bread
round a filling of meat,
or sweet fruit, for a treat;
bake or fry. muy sabroso! nuff said.
"
"my decision is fixed, final, firm:
you've no job at the end of this term.
bio students complain
that you're slightly insane ?
not too much can be learned from one worm!
"
"a warm chair: that is where babies sprout.
father told me ? that's how i found out.
at that bit of a chat's
when i learned from him that's
whereby i came to be brought about.
"
"for a disciplinary infraction,
prison guards use what's called  ""cell extraction"":
yank a convict by force
from his jail cell. of course,
this can ""stir"" (sorry!) potent reaction.
"
"today, as my nature walk goal,
i am teasing out eels with a pole.
yes, to do it may boggle
your mind: i must broggle ?
poke a stick called a brog in a hole.
"
"the proud sniggler, for once, could not brag
of his broggling. the man hit a snag,
saying, ""folks, do not joke.
my best brog today broke;
i have nary an eel in my bag.""
"
"there's a fish-'n'-chip shop, i.e. chippie,
run by skippy, a chippie (ex-hippie).
skippy's deal can't be beat:
for a tenner, complete,
she says, ""all you can eat!"" ? worth the trippy.
"
"reverse subject and predicate, joe,
to convert propositions, like so:
""every dale is a vale;
every vale is a dale"" ?
is a simple conversion i know.

a conversion per accidens switches
same sentence parts, joe, but the glitch is
you must change the amount,
because that's what will count.
so, ""all bitches are dogs; some are bitches.""
"
"my artation ? compulsion ? soon grew.
i asked, ""love, have you strong urgings too?""
my gal needed no prod;
her sweet head gave a nod.
she then quipped, ""shall we skip to the loo?""
"
"i your horse-sense, ms. hortense, distrust,
and i'm saddled with loser's disgust!
i say ""nay!"" ? no more feed
for these nags that we breed.
i'm disgruntled, fed up! we'll go bust!
"
"a duster of feathers am i.
you're entitled to ask, ""really? why?""
i'll explain if i must:
i'm a tool to brush dust ?
fully-feathered but not meant to fly.
"
"you've a pole and live worms. it gets late
while you choose what to do as i wait.
one way or another,
decide, little brother;
it's time that you fish or cut bait!
"
"when distressed (that's ""perturbed"") what i do
is paint walls in a bright yellow hue.
but pup fang, acting smart,
bumped the can off the cart.
now that lemon collie's melancholy too.
"
"your cutter-bar's broke, sad to say.
seems the bolts have all rusted away
where that long bar is mounted.
i hope you'd not counted
on mowing alfalfa today!
"
"i attended a great german beer-fest.
an oom-pah band added an ear-fest.
i got drunk, thanks to prosts
(that means ""cheers!"" ? used for toasts) ?
a most wunderbar night-of-good-cheer-fest.
"
"to those everlasting pees i'm inclined,
being 80. what brought that to mind?
broad-leaved everlasting peas
all dug up, near those trees;
for to seek peas unearthed i'm assigned.
"
"those darn four-letter words may have more
or (though rare) fewer letters than four.
such a word might occur
as a swearword or slur,
or when context cries, ""keep in the drawer!"".
"
"physostigmine is found in a bean.
(heard of eserine?  that's what i mean.)
used in drugs, it is clear
there's a side-effect fear,
so prescribing it isn't routine.
"
"fellicate me dear, else i'll die.
no pleasure i'll get, you know why?
that rattlesnake bit me;
its poison will hit me,
i'll quickly get sick ? suck it dry!
"
"""did you get those four fruits?"" pa asked fretfully.
""no!"" mama said, ""pa, regretfully
fruits i have not;
those four 'gets' i forgot
i should get, darn it!"" ma said forgetfully.
"
"that big bagpipe's not easy to play;
we hope scotty learns how one fine day.
it's that chanter he fingers
and droning, which lingers,
that drive us, not blows us, away.
"
"deisticalness let us address.
it's believing in god, more or less.
believers in more
have a god they implore;
those in less, atheisticalness.
"
"the strange phrase cambridge clive hears is, ""whoa!
prithee tell if you're true friend or faux!""
while clyde's sussing faux's meaning,
guards shoot, gun-machining.
light dawns: ""they mean foe, doan chew know.""
"
"""diagonalization's the norm.
let's convert to diagonal form
this square matrix right now.
do you want to see how?""
bored to tears, our response was lukewarm.
"
"a role model, always reliable,
john was one of our best, exemplifiable,
till he came into work
with that gun ? went berserk!
that he'd changed overnight's undeniable.
"
"i'm caught a bit short.  got a buck?
left my wallet back home in my truck.
temporarily broke,
all i want is a coke.
i'll repay you ? no joke! (with some luck).
"
"that dishabited farm's a bad buy.
yes, it's now uninhabited. why?
next door, to be candid,
the hog farm expanded,
along with the stink from the sty.
"
"that black cat that i own, a fast feline,
when i open the door makes a beeline
for the back of the yard,
past the dog standing guard,
then jumps over the fence to the tree line.
"
"as a teacher, one thing that i hated
was misuse of that fishing word baited
to mean breathing ""subdued"".
that would get me unglued,
as with bated that word's not equated.
"
"robby says that my hobby is zany:
ironing decals ? that's decalcomanie.
rob thinks that i'm funny
transferring on sunny
days, never on days that are rainy.
"
"you ask for forgiveness?  i'm reeling!
i'll tell you, you cheat, how i'm feeling:
that emotion is rage.
no, i shall not engage
with deft dodgers who do double-dealing.
"
"such an uncommon newt was my swift!
phil would give my low spirits a lift ?
until filched.  i'm bereft.
now i'm left with no eft,
as a shifty grinch pinched him!  i'm miffed.
"
"most hunters believe in fair chase:
certain rules of the hunt they embrace.
such a system lets prey,
as a rule, get away.
for fair play, a canned hunt has no place.
"
"baroclinic instabilities tweet:
""warning: isobars isotherms meet.
likely weather fronts forming
foreshadowing storming;
seek shelter and beat a retreat.""
"
"a new series is starting next season.
it's a show highly hyped ? for good reason:
""fibonacci: a series
that tells of the theories
that lean on a towering pisan!""
"
"a canned hunt guarantees you the head
of a lion you'll shoot full of lead.
there's no hunting romance
when your prey has no chance ?
let those lions hunt hunters instead!
"
"uncle clem's expectoration vocation
(that's spitting) provides recreation.
when a missile of spittle
hits (pssssst!) in the middle
of ma's waffle griddle ? ovation!
"
"we spoke just last night in a dream, mum.
i replied, when you asked, ""what's extremum?""
""it's a point far away
from the center, i'd say;
the farthest, in fact.""  care for tea, mum?
"
"we will buy this bright house, it's so sunny!
let us prove that we're earnest, with money.
it's good faith that we show
with some serious dough.
seems my checks are at home ? got one, honey?
"
"as tucsonans, we must beat the heat.
during daytime, we stay off the street.
we wear minimal duds
and drink maximal suds;
to stay cool, to our pools we retreat.
"
"my confirmator's here. he will try
to validate facts. he's the guy
who confirms or rejects
what folks say, and detects
if they're truthful or telling or a lie.
"
"just a week after captain set sail,
our brave whaler harpooned its first whale.
working quickly, each lubber
began stripping blubber;
fast flensing earned ale in our pail.
"
"i'm a flenser, a specialized gob:
stripping blubber from whales is my job.
i don't  flinch when i flense;
hungry kids my defense ?
all thirteen.  not for whales should you sob.
"
"you'll soon see, as i sit on this log,
i shall fashion, to brog with, a brog.
that's a small pointed stick
used by eelers to prick
and to probe for ? guess what ? in this bog.
"
"corrupt crony capitalism tends
to flow dough to relations and friends
of those inside who lead.
their fat buddies succeed,
while those outside hit walls and dead-ends.
"
"an uninformed gal in a park
was intrigued when a robed man yelled, ""hark!
dost thou need an enlightener?""
that didn't frighten 'er:
""yes! cast thy light on my dark!""
"
"at the dinner i asked rob and eve,
""why not quit that dumb shared job and leave?""
their response? problematic ?
evasive, erratic ?
'twas clear they would just bob and weave.
"
"my googootz?  fat and hard ? it's divine!
it's length?  many inches ? plus nine.
yes, my wife is surprised
at my baseball-bat-sized
summer gourd that grows green on the vine.
"
"let's exagitate steed for his deeds.
a grave censure's the treatment he needs.
plus he'll stay on the hook
for the money he took,
irrespective of how much he pleads.
"
"since a hit man was tracking him, drew
circuitously traversed the zoo.
said the thug, held in check
by this roundabout trek,
""this guy drew's too damned hard to pursue!""
"
"the conductor said this, with a growl:
""a waterfowl hides in that towel!
you are trying to cheat ?
that bird takes a whole seat!
pay or give me the bird: fare or fowl.""
"
"a must-have for your work is vogt's float ?
a great plastering tool i promote.
its rectangular face
one can wield with great grace
to fine-finish a top surface coat.
"
"""may all lim-stealing poets be damned ?
up their most private parts a limb rammed!""
one more curse upon him
who conceals my filched lim:
""may most lines in your poems be enjambed!""
"
"a foreboding's an unpleasant feeling
that with tragedy soon you'll be dealing.
as a pig (not a pet),
that bad portent i get
when i hear a friend's truncated squealing.
"
"her food's edibleness - yum! - is unbeatable.
all her campfire cooking is eatable.
but whatever's left over
is scarfed down by rover;
in camp here, the grub's unreheatable.
"
"critters walking on four feet are four-footed.
my cat scat has six feet, so he's more footed
than cats with no flaws.
should poor scat have sore paws,
my more sure-footed cat is more sore-footed.
"
"my friend mel was an elephantide,
and of elephantiasis died.
he had stated, of late,
that great weight was his fate,
but of heart he was undersupplied.
"
"i was shocked as i stared at my screen.
ftw?  what did she mean?
(when i saw mama use it,
i thought i would lose it!)
""f__ the world?"" for the win ? not obscene!
"
"""we'll go fly-fishing,"" dad said, ""at last.""
""fishing for flies?  i'm aghast.""
he said, ""son, i'll define:
tie faux fly to a line,
tie that line to a rod and then cast.""
"
"dad screamed, ""moron, you've got us off course!"" fully
mindful that speaking so forcefully
crushed youthful pride,
but as we'd almost died,
father spoke with harsh strength, unremorsefully.
"
"i can see why you're looking so pale.
your bum of a son ? me ?'s in jail.
i could do with, now, mum
? that is, benefit from ?
a small sum, just a crumb, for my bail.
"
"hey, besmearer! you stain, you pollute;
ruination's your evil pursuit.
not a tear do you shed
for the dirt that you spread;
you do not (horrid brute!) give a hoot.
"
"brad's muscles are firm and not saggy,
his face is anfractuous ? craggy,
he stands tall, straight and rod-like,
his voice booms so god-like ?
yet, strangely, brad moves like aunt maggie.
"
"those two gold-fishing girls have a goal
to exploiter you. take their bait whole,
and i know you'll be hooked ?
you'll be used and be rooked;
you're the gold ""fish"" for whom the belles troll.
"
"mighty enlil, i'm forced to declare
that as lord of the air, you don't care.
for this sumer pollution,
you send no solution.
our prayer? wind dilution ? send air!
"
"my expropriated land's now a jail.
they took fields where i'd tried to grow kale.
i was hopin' they would
'cause they paid me real good,
and them kale crops here half the time fail.
"
"pitcher greer had near thrown in the towel.
then babe hit the ball hard, high but foul.
catcher jones, with a stab,
caught the ball.  with that grab
babe fouled out. from the fans came a howl.
"
"flense, flench, flinch (or flence, flinse): each the same
joyless task by an alternate name.
on a long whaling trip,
it's when blubber we strip;
'course, it's whales that have skin in the game.
"
"the exordium (preface) i wrote
launches all of the themes i promote?
introduces my treatise
on why margaritas
sans salt hit a sourish note.
"
"sue explained the term float with this note:
""write a check for a sum.  then the float
is the time between then
and that cheerless day when
that sum's debited.""  that's all she wrote.
"
"saw an ad for a tooth plaque curtailer ?
a professional, sharp, dental scaler.
it's name? ""easy pickins!""
i bit. what the dickens!
tooth scaler? no way ? gum impaler!
"
"i had doubts when i went for a sail.
breezy weather turned into a gale.
the waters got aestuous:
roiling, tempestuous.
soon i hung over the rail.
"
"what's a curacy? let me explain:
it is simply the curate's domain.
on losers and winners ?
the godly and sinners ?
his sermons may wreak weekly pain.
"
"i look haggard and beaten and pale,
but i'm exculpated, fresh out of jail.
absolved of all guilt,
can my life be rebuilt,
or are wretches like me bound to fail?
"
"cod's wallop, i say! fiddle-faddle!
your pate, friend, has started to addle!
that snake oil pitch?
it's preposterous! hitch
your sad nag to your cart and skedaddle!
"
"complicatedly byzantine rules
now are taught in our home health care schools.
for the washing of hands
there are twenty commands;
such complexity rules out the fools.
"
"eventing today i shall go:
to compete in the horse trials! so,
let's avoid fiddle-faddle;
jeeves, fetch my best saddle
and jodhpurs (but skip ""tally-ho!"").
"
"""i am bupkis!"" i quaver, aquiver,
so ignored i shall cry me a river.
though my siblings get lots,
i'm left out, and i plotz.
""oy vey! what am i, then? chopped liver?""
"
"""that girl shirl i won fairly and squarely,""
said curley, ""admittedly barely.""
""no ruses or tricks
did i use ? take your licks!
but for kicks, i'll share shirley, but rarely.""
"
"this endemically widespread disease
that's affecting deciduous trees
is a threat to green valley.
we can't shilly-shally ?
call al, he's got blight expertise.
"
"i'd say john's extemporaneousness stinks;
he's much worse off-the-cuff than he thinks.
but the guy gets much better
as things get much wetter ?
the more that the night club crowd drinks.
"
"just today as the choir rehearsed,
singing hymns in which all were well-versed,
i cut farts in d-sharp,
thus distracting the harp-
ist, who then sacrilegiously cursed.
"
"up the thames during ebb tide they row.
down the thames during flood tide they go.
to the coxswain i shout,
""cox, the secret's let out:
those row faster as rows with the flow.""
"
"bonnie bobbed robbie's boaby today;
she diminished his dick, near loch tay.
how terribly mean is
attacking a penis!
rob went off ""half-cocked"", as they say.
"
"my amphibious aircraft can't fly
for too long, nor too fast, nor too high.
a redemptory fact
is its wheels can retract;
this bird flies whether ""land""?'s wet or dry.
"
"at the draw-well, the girl had to suck it up ?
got a mud-load when drawing her bucket up.
""drat! my old dad
will be awfully mad;
sternly warned me, he had: 'don't you muck it up!'.""
"
"""is your dirigible erigible, dan?
can you build it? construct it per plan?""
""my technique's been perfected,
i'll do as expected ?
erect it."" ""you're kidding. you can?""
"
"what is falsesome? deceitful, untrue.
now just five lines remain; what to do?
(the above line's falsidical,
lying, spurcidical;
it's falsesome, 'cause i'm guileful too.)
"
"as an eligible receiver, al glass is
allowed to receive forward passes.
yes, he caught that long pass,
but fell flat on his ass.
he's a stumbler who's slow as molasses!
"
"as a calendar girl, you'd be great,
but you've added a bit to your weight;
and most men don't go wild
for a pin-up with child.
try again when, ahem, you ""deflate"".
"
"measure air pressure? buy a barometer.
strides taken? you need a pedometer.
my fondest notion's
to depth-check the oceans;
for that, my best bet's a fathometer.
"
"let's go unalphabetic: e.g.,
y f p,  i s c, o h d,
r q g, u t j,
thence, e w k,
m l b, n x z, a and v.
"
"a fantabulous float, i was told
is ""beer and ice cream"".  i was sold.
but oh boy, did i fart;
seems i missed the ""root"" part.
my hearing ain't great, now i'm old.
"
"my hen cluck received no acclamation,
no applaudings nor strong commendation,
for eggs laid standing up
(nicely dropped in a cup) ?
none clapped cluck for her standing ovation.
"
"there's an acid called edta
that the medical scientists say
can remove things like lead
from one's body. they said
it forms compounds one tinkles away.
"
"""i think for this morning i'll take
just a farl ? that's your rather thin cake
made of oatmeal or flour.""
""howard, give me an hour ?
first, i've thirteen damn fruitcakes to bake!""
"
"euclidean geometry's great
on a plane; all is well, lines are straight.
but, for lines on a sphere,
we have problems, i fear;
one axiom we must negate.
"
"my new ophthalmologist said,
""you've an eye abnormality, fred.
what you've got? chromatopsia.
type?  erythropsia:
objects tinged slightly with red.
"
"for the poems that you write, you've a game:
same first words of most lines is your aim.
same first words make things easy;
same first words make things cheesy.
epanaphora's stupid.  how lame!
"
"a begging letter came in the mail.
it related a ""sick orphan"" tale,
sadly pleading for dough.
but i laughed and said ""no!"" ?
the return address? ""dale county jail"".
"
"weiner twittered a picture (that lout)
of his wiener to chicks all about.
he said, ""what ? me resign?
i'm endurant, i'm fine.
i'm inclined to, right now, stick it out.""
"
"i, today, learned what ""out in the cold"" meant
when you gave me no hug, no enfoldment.
that lack of embrace
signaled i'd lost my place
and how little our circles of gold meant.
"
"jack looked blue.  i asked, ""why the long face?""
""am i that dolichofacial, ms. grace?""
""jack, that joke is so bad ?
like your lawyering ? sad!
i assume you just lost your last case.""
"
"gert is jealous and spiteful, a flirt,
who does terrible things that can hurt.
she tells lies: told our boss
i'd turned profit to loss;
she's an expert in doing folks dirt.
"
"love's fire's expired; it's flameless.
what once blazed is now embers. you're blameless.
i'm in love with another,
and yes, it's your brother,
who shall, of the six, remain nameless.
"
"my deteriorating house is a mess.
losing bess left me heartache and stress.
all's declining: my health,
and my home, and my wealth.
plus no sex life. but oops, i digress.
"
"my mechanism for slipping away
from reality faced every day?
it's the gift of the grape.
yes, through wine i escape,
keeping life's painful torments at bay.
"
"you're a cash buyer? that's what i need
for selling this dwelling with speed.
we can do it with ease.
count that cash out now, please:
i have kids and a habit to feed.
"
"in the desert, a drug mule hauled smack
in a gunny, atop her bent back.
she was mugged by young thugs
who made off with the drugs,
and was left there, just holding the sack.
"
"cheery fireflies twinkle at night ?
glowing with colors, not bright.
call 'em lightning bugs, do
(maybe ""lighting bugs"", too;
in my flashlight there's two, flashing light).
"
"ron the con man, that slick, lying guy,
gained my confidence, then sucked me dry.
what a sweet-talkin' pro!
he stole all of my dough
and skedaddled without a goodbye!
"
"this cross-sectional analysis shows
how our hustles stack up against those
against whom we compete ?
like those thieves down the street,
or those six payday lenders i chose.
"
"""dern it!"" she said, ""i mean darn.
to me, proper english is far'n.
i've lived as a bumpkin
with you and your dumb kin
too long in this tumble-down barn.""
"
"our august enterparlance befell
a sad fate, though the venue was swell.
the topic was farting;
conferees were departing
because of the?no need to tell.
"
"are tammy's harsh wheeze and her sneeze
consignificative signs of disease
that in sum need attention?
i heard mama mention
they're serious; pa disagrees.
"
"in our profit and loss calculation,
let's make sure we include depreciation.
such charges make sense
as a business expense,
since our assets endure degradation.
"
"a deft beadle named bede loved to bead.
""to sew beads on a frock, pay me heed:
all you need's a strung needle
and beads, "" said the beadle,
proceeding to bead with great speed.
"
"in projects most task times have slack:
delay a task ? goals stay on track.
that slack is called float,
where the top planners note
project end dates will not be set back.
"
"your boasts are so loud and aggressive.
your bragging's a bore ? so excessive!
such fanfaronade,
such rodomontade,
such rank gasconade's unimpressive.
"
"she's engraved her son's death in her brain.
she relives it again and again:
an impression so deep
that it haunts even sleep?
the hard rain, the black train, the dull pain.
"
"a shrewd fashioner uses his eyes
to find suitable parts and then tries
this and that to create
useful things. no debate:
on inventiveness this type relies.
"
"in the us, wherever i roam,
bars serve beer with a surfeit of foam.
i can't turn a blind eye
to pints short and heads high:
no more beer shall i buy till i'm home.
"
"the stinky old drunk wandered vagrantly,
his strong odor diffusing un-fragrantly.
he was shortly arrested:
the charge, uncontested,
""polluting the atmosphere, flagrantly.""
"
"the flashcard's a fine learning tool
still in use, very widely, in school.
each card, shown in turn,
helps our bobby to learn,
and to not become you, dear: a fool.
"
"i'm broke; i'll kill any old man,
get convicted and sent to the can.
there i'll wait for my death day ?
my take-my-last-breath day.
i love my retirement plan.
"
"no wonder those citizens bitched!
the congressman's staffer has snitched.
that uranium deal
was a ticket to steal ?
that's why he, like the u, is enriched.
"
"your denigratory comments defame
mr. crist. in your whisper campaign,
as you badmouth, talk smack,
he can't even talk back;
you are giving the guy a bad name.
"
"a thing that's evincive will act
to help validate theory or fact,
like those cameras that proved
harvey hoover removed
la jeune veuve from the louvre. case is cracked!
"
"our victim's right there ? i can make him out,
flirting like mad. let us fake him out.
we should use a chick's ruse:
fill the guy up with booze,
so that later our hit man can take him out.
"
"that dinner was excrementitious;
it was gross, the reverse of delicious.
(from the excrement part
of the word, if you're smart,
you can tell it's the dregs ? innutritious.)
"
"to fend (ward) off boredom, he said,
""i'll write x lims while naked in bed.""
though he earnestly strived,
his strange vow was short-lived;
seems his x-drive surrendered and fled.
"
"cataballitive wives are depressing,
which can make you depressed, i've been stressing.
so now that i know, zack,
you're both taking prozac,
her leaving you would be a blessing.
"
"ten whole decades! our church's centennial
deserves a great party. how many'll
come? i don't know,
but if guests love the show,
they'll be pleading, ""please make it perennial!""
"
"i've a flagon i can't do without.
it holds wine, but i'm such a drunk lout
that my wife locked the lid,
plugged the spout in a bid
to ""cure"" me. ye gods! it's a drought!
"
"mr. smythe takes the census. who knows
where that counter of heads really goes?
when asked where and why,
""to king's cross,"" his reply,
""to enumerate whores ? tally ho's.""
"
"i'm a flowery person, so true.
and my verbiage? flowery too.
i adore the pomposity
and florid verbosity
of flosculent wordage. doan chew?
"
"mighty casey whiffed twice. ""that pitch three
should be out of the strike zone,"" thought he,
""so i won't swing my bat.""
he struck out, and so that
called third strike earned for casey kc.
"
"i'm no blacksmith, do not be misled.
this old smithy's for artwork instead:
i sculpt busts.  though i'm busted,
i'll, somewhat disgusted,
continue my work ? forge ahead.
"
"our sis chris acts so pious, devout.
but a pregnancy bump's come about
(come to pass).  now we know
goody two-shoe's a ho'!
we can't wait until daddy finds out.
"
"i mean it! keep quiet! you're squawking!
shut your mouth, which could use a good caulking.
you love yada-yah-ing
and ooh-ing and ah-ing.
why can't you dry up? just stop talking!
"
"our foremost (premier) bard's hot stuff.
sheilab simply can't write enough.
in her garden she roams
writing more five-line poems,
every line of each lim up to snuff.
"
"your sales scheme bears promise and clout.
but it's only bare bones, flesh it out;
add substance and detail
to show how a retail
sales bump from that plan comes about.
"
"matching hopefuls with schools? hard to score.
math and game theory eases the chore.
the method, ""deferred
acceptance,"" i've heard
is by both sides preferred.  it's top drawer!
"
"the french board dehabilitated juan,
that adverse d?nouement means juan's gone.
they disqualified him
for, well, being too dim;
his bulb barely (and rarely) goes on.
"
"a small, slender filament's name
is fibril.  asronomers claim
that they're huge plasma tubes
on the sun, but we rubes
say that earth-stuff's their prime claim to fame.
"
"we thanked god for our timely arrival
that enabled the children's survival.
they were cold, sick, and thin;
it was clear that their kin
had committed the sin of deprival.
"
"if you're wondering, sis, why i'm muttering
and dad, missing slippers, is sputtering,
our fave things are all gone.
mom says, ""time to move on!""
she's a convert to household decluttering.
"
"us get married? it comes at a price.
my mom says you're not very nice;
she believes you'll divorce me.
she is trying to force me
to take my dad's prenup advice.
"
"i'm seeking a phrase anapestical
that will soar and inspire, be majestical.
four of five lines i've got
for my verse; and then what?
""blah-blah-blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah testicle"".
"
"just what do daguerreotypers do?
type daguerres all day long? that's not true!
although these days it's rare,
those types still make daguerre-
otypes. that's if you pay them well to.
"
"there are two types of seaplanes i'll note:
the small floatplane, and large flying boat.
comes a white-cap type wave,
flying boats might behave ?
those in floatplanes?  damned lucky to float.
"
"the defendant for many years toiled
teaching kids, but his name is now soiled.
the charge he molested
three boys is contested;
with defending himself he's embroiled.
"
"this ship's false keel is shot ? a disgrace;
it's been damaged in many a place.
my inspection's disclosed
that the real keel's exposed ?
repair or replace it apace!
"
"when comparing two items, take care.
take this fruit contest ? man, what a bear!
that judge readily grapples
with ""apples to apples"" ?
but melons to kumquats?  not fair.
"
"in old english, the word for advice
was avis, most precise and concise.
someone added a d
and changed s to ce.
(i myself think avis would suffice.)
"
"we had hoped it would happen some day:
famous ringling is doing away
with the hoofing and prancing
of pachyderms dancing ?
the elephant ""corps de ballet"".
"
"what i was on the day you were hired
was entheate: heaven-inspired.
jesus told me, ""hang tight ?
this guy is all right;
just ignore all the bastards he's sired.""
"
"she said, ""pass the fourchette."" i'm a dork:
an ob-gyn, i knew not she meant ""fork""!
""pass a membranous fold
of the labia?"" cold
was her stare, and her dad blew his cork.
"
"""she's got huge ones!"" a wiseguy advised.
i expected to be unsurprised,
but was shocked ? mrs. yellins
grew grandiose melons!
her boobs? unremarkably sized.
"
"yes, you've expiable sins; now you know.
but you've many good works to bestow
to achieve your amends.
firstly, succour your friends.
(that's not sucker, you jackass! just go.)
"
"whenever a war comes around,
i get high on the glorious sound
of our men on the march,
of ""hup, toop, threep, four, harch!"",
of american boots on the ground.
"
"on the river today it's not nice.
there are numerous fragments of ice ?
so much brash ice afloat,
you should not row your boat,
nor go swimming, is my sage advice.
"
"let us gaze on our fine feathered nest
lined with plumage we both love the best:
green feathers of money ?
pa's pension. now, honey,
just how might we steal all the rest?
"
"his voice was so low, it was strange.
thirty years ago? squeaks. what a change!
now he sings with great grace
as a deep-pitched sub-base
in the octave below the bass range.
"
"you've a short (euryprosopic-type) face,
while mine's long.  let me cut to the chase.
with mine leptoprosopic,
osculation's my topic;
someone's lips seem to be out of place.
"
"it was my turn at bat.  when i hit
a fastball too high, i yelled ""shit!""
but the first baseman dropped
that high fly ball i popped,
and the winning run scored; that was it.
"
"the trees blazed; the flames flared and got higher.
his home then ignited, caught fire.
it brought tears to his eyes,
which is not a surprise;
he'd just found, after months, a cash buyer.
"
"beer served ""hot""? that's what yanks say a lot!
brits will argue the myth's naught but rot.
serve it cool, if you please:
twelve to fourteen degrees.
that is cellar temp! ""hot""? course it's not!
"
"facial index: a ratio, i'd say,
that's face height to face width, class, ok?
jack, i heard what you said ?
this is not about head!
kindly tuck your libido away.
"
"euphuists fancied fine prose
dressed in elegance, never plain clothes:
alliteration, allusion,
rare terms in profusion ?
affectatious, strained wordage they chose.
"
"the old british system used d
to mean penny, but one day, you see,
pounds were decimalised;
some perhaps were surprised
that twelve-fifths of a d now was p!
"
"house of horrors? that's something i might've
known well would have been an excitive!
a monster that day
told my kiddies that they
had plump tummies he might take a bite'f!
"
"i said ? for one year ? i'd anoint
you as boss to revive this sad joint.
your efforts? disjointed.
i'm so disappointed
that you i must now disappoint.
"
"throughout the short term of his curacy,
no cleric's spewn so much manure as he.
i shall not endure it:
the office of curate
bestowed on one so immature as he!
"
"from the alps to the shores of dubai,
jack took risks on the land, sea and sky.
says his girlfriend louisa
of jack: ""frankly, he's a
bored 'been there, yeah, done that!' type guy"".
"
"i cannot understand (figure out)
what your glowering look's all about.
so i danced some with lou
(just a slow dance or two)
but i drove back with you, so why pout?
"
"a forehanded person am i.
i'm prudent and thrifty ? a guy
who prepares far ahead,
so before we get wed,
sign this prenup, or else it's goodbye.
"
"in one of those rustic ramadas,
i gobbled untold empanadas.
i'd belched two big burps,
when i heard sundry chirps:
an armada of dog-day cicadas.
"
"four pairs rowed, double-banked, in that race.
each pair, sharing a seat, rowed apace.
but our cox had been boozing,
his orders confusing;
we started and ended in place.
"
"""i've run out of columbier, i fear.
gretchen, fetch some and set it right here.""
gretch responds, ""what is that?""
what a dumb boss's brat!
""large-size paper for drawings, my dear.""
"
"down a blind lane, she said, ""do a u-ie.
it's a dead-ending byway!""  ""oh, phooey!
that map we bought lied;
our new gps fried,
and our compass? gone south ? acting screwy.""
"
"as the goyim in glasgow might say,
""i am fated to die ?yes, i'm fey"".
now my barry will marry
a shiksa named carrie;
for me, the end's nearing. oy vey!
"
"unconcealed is this weapon: my carry.
with a six-shooter, life is less scary.
it sits in my holster,
my courage to bolster
when things as a bouncer get hairy.
"
"if it's snot, should i say, ""yes, that's snot""?
if it's not, should i say, ""yes, that's not""?
are these two lines equivalent?
damn, i'm ambivalent
(two-minded)!  what hath english wrought?!
"
"there's a ""chargemaster"" list about which
you shall now hear me noisily bitch.
that's where hospital fees
just make worse one's disease.
and for-profit providers get rich.
"
"the secrets are out, and they're wrench-
ing.  the horn i called ""french"" isn't french,
and the famed english ""horn""
is no horn.  how i mourn
those divulgings, and sadly retrench.
"
"fair miss claire stopped her baldness-denying
when wind sent her blonde wig a-flying.
her hair was proved threadbare
when air left her head bare;
to fans ? and to me ? she'd been lying.
"
"to identify species,  i say,
""go the dna barcoding way!""
we researchers give thanks
for the database banks
that make life-form id child's play.
"
"her husband she won't cast away;
""to discard him is dumb, "" she will say.
""though he's loud and a lout,
i will not throw him out
as he rubs me, "" she says, ""the right way"".
"
"can you see the big ditch? no, it's not
the grand canyon! is that what you thought?
it's a famous canal
in an isthmus locale
down in panama, humid and hot.
"
"the disintegrator asked them once more,
""do you both understand that my chore
is to take things apart?
as i've said from the start ?
i have not split up couples before.""
"
"said the hussar, ""that jacket, you keep,
because now, when i see it, i weep.
that dolman was made
by my wife, newly laid
in her grave.  she just passed in her sleep.""
"
"this setback's a crisis ? a facer!
pilot violet's gone, i can't trace 'er.
i hate to complain,
but this sure is a pain:
i must 1) rent a plane, 2) replace 'er.
"
"the cattle baron, red as a beet,
with three sons raised his herd in the heat.
he called his ranch ""focus"".
why? that's just a joke, cuz
""it's where,"" he declared, ""sons raise meat"".
"
"define forcible?  easy, of course:
""involving a physical force,""
as when whipping your steed
to extract higher speed.
i'd say more, but why beat a dead horse?
"
"as i pored over poems in the basement,
a thought dawned as dawned light stabbed the casement:
until you stopped on by,
unenlightened was i
as to just what the phrase in your face meant.
"
"in her outhouse she sat, calmly knitting;
constipation had caused longish sitting.
when a feller's bad chop
caused his huge ax to drop
on her housetop, she popped: ""my head's splitting.""
"
"if a zit hurts like heck, dad won't prick it.
if a fly sips his beer, dad won't flick it.
snap at flies? not his task.
plus he won't, when i ask,
find the ""send money"" button and click it.
"
"swiftly plucked was a friend i'd long known.
he turned out to be bad to the bone.
this morning's extracting
was doubly impacting;
pain's gone, but my pal's on his own.
"
"i'm so sick of this clericate, john!
tell the bishop we'd like to move on.
yes, the office is high,
but the town here is dry ?
plus i'm bored here in azerbaijan.
"
"they four-flush ? they cheat and they scam.
their shepherd's degrees are a sham.
see, i asked, ""get the flock
out of here."" to my shock
i've been fleeced, and they're both on the lam.
"
"i'm exhausted; i'm sure i'll flake out;
just like that, fall asleep, there's no doubt.
much allure you're outpouring,
but soon i'll be snoring,
too tired to even make out.
"
"we'll episcopize smithers next year;
we shall make her a bishop. i fear
those expecting perfection
will raise an objection ?
she'll never be male, that is clear.
"
"some enhanced interrogation techniques
that we use on our prisoner's physiques
are rectal hydration,
and brutalization,
and sleep deprivation (one week's).
"
"said the prof, ""for an object it's clear
the reverse of its forepart's its rear,""
then objected young byrd ?
classic rensselaer nerd ?
""not for moebius strips or a sphere!""
"
"at the well i'd just started to frack,
angry plethodons, each with a back
either red or lead, said,
""we abhor fracking, fred.
we amphibians now shall attack!""
"
"certain cooking smells excitate me
to the nth (that's a darned high) degree.
mickey d's tasty fries
and these hot apple pies
tend do stimulate drools, as you see.
"
"among my most cherished pursuits
is examining juvenile newts.
they are swift, so be deft
should you snatch a wet eft,
as ""slipp'ry when wet"" none disputes!
"
"buck's the smuggling bassist.  his grand
double-base work's the best in the land.
though for stealing he's noted,
he's also devoted
to contraband, buck's country band.
"
"that bobber bob bought does its job.
it's a float that's intended to bob
up and down when a fish
thinks a worm is delish,
but with bobs bigger fish can play hob.
"
"enthronization for two? well, that's queer:
twin brothers got crowned. now i hear
that bi-kinging derided;
it seems they've decided
to alternate: ""king for a year"".
"
"i'm a poet. don't chuckle and chortle,
but my goal ere i pass through death's portal,
is to write lines that last
using rhymes unsurpassed:
eternization, words rendered immortal.
"
"seems our shepherd, a german named hermann, ate
nasty seeds that we thought only vermin ate.
if they grow in his bowels,
i expect we'll hear howls;
so we hope they don't sprout ? i.e., germinate.
"
"in my play there was so much to say
to present it took nearly a day.
my four editors chopped it,
then got drunk and re-lopped it ?
shortened more my poor foreshortened play.
"
"on the roof, tim, you lie, lazy jerk?
and don't tell me your climb there was ""work""!
though you've energy of position,
you're lacking ambition:
it's energy of motion you shirk!
"
"the fiery wife of a fifer
set on fire what, in his words, she'd ""die fer!""
she enfired his fave fife,
the prized pride of his life ?
said he'd knife her. he did; he's a lifer.
"
"that bird's eurhipidurous broad tail
i observed when i walked down the trail.
it was shaped like a fan,
which is far cooler than
non-flabelliform tails, which prevail.
"
"her political rivals accuse
her of being a flip-flopper who's
always changing her mind,
leaving stands undefined
from reversing her so-called ""core"" views.
"
"they ignore my white carpet appeals
concerning our dining room meals.
our houseguests refuse
to remove dirty shoes;
they get stubborn and dig in their heels.
"
"my kid sister's an echoey brat.
she's a parroting pain in the prat.
she repeats all i say
in her mockingbird way,
but i love her despite all of that.
"
"so into my workshop, who lumbered?
a distressed calendariographer, humbert.
i said, ""hum, why so sad?""
he said, ""thad, i feel bad ?
all my calendars' days, lad, are numbered.""
"
"close and lurking, she triggered her gun.
ambuscadoed, i'd nowhere to run.
though my chest was blood-red,
i was nowhere near dead
thanks to paintball; it's how we have fun.
"
"took my girl on a boat, a chalupa.
our ride was (romantically) supa
till i happened to trip.
as we started to flip,
she said, ""time for a dip!"" what a troupa!
"
"the belittling i took made me sick.
i was made to feel small, like my pick.
though mine's smaller than most,
of one fact i can boast:
small-pick pickers can pick twice as quick.
"
"said the sailor, ""that thing ain't no bar ?
""dolphin striker?'s the name of that spar!""
i smiled, pointing under
the bowsprit, ""i wonder?
its porpoise?""  the tar snarled, ""har-har.""
"
"there's something my wife's always trashin':
wild clothing by gurus of fashion ?
regalia bizarre
that lowers the bar.
keep it simple!?'s her creed and her passion.
"
"diarrhea is not very nice;
eruptive, it comes in a trice.
if it cannot be stalled,
ied?'s what it's called:
an innards explosive device.
"
"twelve lunations some use as their year;
it's shorter than earth's year (though near).
it seems epact?'s the word
for the difference, i've heard:
ten point nine or so days. hope that's clear.
"
"fingerspitzengef?hl?'s used in one sense
in english. in words far less dense:
it means ""feel"" and use tact
in one's word, pen and act ?
to use flair and finesse, shun offense.
"
"a fly that i knew, a great guy,
said, ""to see my team win, i would die!""
he buzzed round the hat
of the next guy at bat,
who then batted a sacrifice fly.
"
"for that great freshman year, give a shout!
and my second year? better, no doubt.
but just what was i thinking?
carousing and drinking
would help me to pass? i flunked out!
"
"i relax when i fly my remote-
controlled floatplane, which acts like a boat.
mounted under each wing
is a long buoyant thing
that keeps floatplanes afloat; it's a float.
"
"you want bridal wear cheap? my advice:
go to brides' bar; you can't beat their price.
for a great wedding dress,
no boutique charges less ?
plus their singapore slings are quite nice.
"
"he speaks low and in whispers ? he cutters.
what about, we can't say; he just mutters.
we know what's the matter:
he's mad as a hatter ?
he chatters all day as he putters.
"
"you did not get a shot? what a sin!
the measles are doing you in;
i can see that you gotta
whole ungodly lotta
eruptions all over your skin.
"
"some indicators lag, while some lead.
those that lead, politicians misread.
further, no one should brag
about measures that lag;
the cat's out of the bag then, agreed?
"
"when the time comes for combat, he flinks:
he acts cowardly, runs ? the mouse blinks!
""simple"" wimpole can't fight,
he's so brimful of fright.
from a m?l?e, this wimpy fink shrinks.
"
"she has foul-in-the-foot, does this cow.
that's some foul-smelling foot rot ? and how!
she got it, alas
when she pastured in grass
and in leaves that were wet ? treat her now!
"
"in outlets, the current flows out.
but receptacles receive ? not in doubt.
my semantical gripe?
the electrical type
seems a lie; how did that come about?
"
"she's a barney's bull, eighteen years old ?
useless wallydrag, that's what i'm told.
her slovenly butt
is for sale; that fat slut
is so worthless, yet brazenly bold.
"
"my latino friend's voice?  soft and deep,
with a grief that makes love's losers weep.
he sings ""yo soy segundo""
in basso profundo
that frankly just puts me to sleep.
"
"""get serious, son, you're too flip!
you're dismissively giving me lip!
you must stop mouthing off!""
said the boy, ""ahem,"" &lt;cough&gt;
""you are losing it, dad.  get a grip.""
"
"give me one finger, no doubt i'll balk.
raise high two, that means victory talk.
showing three should not trouble you ?
it's asl's w.
but all four means ""intentional walk"".
"
"old miss vogt fell in love, so she wrote
to chris, her adored, a hot note.
dismissively, chris
dissed her missive with this:
""vogt, your lust-note revolts this old goat!""
"
"it so happens i'm very obese
with a fattist named kate for a niece.
""if there's one thing i hate,""
says that prejudiced kate,
""it's the gross overweight.  cease the grease!""
"
"please do not say that bodies i ""snatch"";
i just harvest the dead in that patch.
i'm a born resurrectionist ?
ghoulish perfectionist.
corpse-farming cunning comes natch.
"
"a big handful of coins fido et,
so i took that dumb dog to the vet.
two long hours had passed
ere i asked doc at last,
""so what's new?"" he replied, ""no change yet.""
"
"in the back of the class teacher stuck me.
i'd a question to ask, but he'd duck me.
i would yell at that jerk,
""how does lightning, sir, work?""
he'd ignore me; then one day it struck me.
"
"your determinedness, son, is astounding.
four elections you've lost, each a pounding.
yet you'll run once again ?
don't know when to say ""when!"" ?
like a latter-day debs you are sounding!
"
"tonight dewey sat right beside me.
he no longer, he said, could abide me.
now i'm dewey-eyed (teary),
recalling how cheery
i was, that first night dewey eyed me.
"
"i can't wait any more, this is it ?
see me anxiously chomp at the bit
to get married to joe!
in an hour or so
is when i and my beau go legit.
"
"that bold brooklynite interviewee
just can't partner with britons like me.
i doubt things would work out
with that loud brooklyn lout
who wakes ""oily"" (and doesn't drink tea).
"
"i imbibed one more old style, and brooded
on my cubbies. beguiled and deluded,
i fooled me; i was rash
betting all of my cash
on a team the top spot has eluded.
"
"compound adjectives puzzle you, son?
well, cash-cow?'s an example of one.
just put two words together,
like birds of a feather,
with hyphen as tether ? you're done.
"
"a huge stone in your duct's firmly stuck.
if untreated, you'll be a dead duck.
a choledochostomy, paul,
puts a hole in the wall
of your duct.  no insurance? tough luck.
"
"most soaps make me itch, so i mope.
this past fall i was fooled by a soap
labeled itchless called ""pfalz"".
the result ? and it galls ?
i itched worse! how i loathe such false hope.
"
"i'm a blatantly-lying-type guy.
i clearly prevaricate.  why?
by repeating that stuff
every day, sure enough,
ignorami decide i don't lie.
"
"in the sixties emerged the fab four:
the beatles ? we'd beg them for more.
how george, ringo and paul
and great john took us all
on their magical mystery tour!
"
"the beautiful persian girl wore
an enveloping, long, black chador
to express her islamity.
not a calamity:
her face may be seen, but not more.
"
"with the tough gangster's wife frank had fiddled;
it turned out, more than fiddled, he'd diddled.
those who mess with bug's wife
have a slug-shortened life
there's frank's corpse full of bullet holes ? riddled!
"
"whatever i do or i say,
i'm diabolized every which way.
those who demonize me
must be devils. you see,
that ol' turnabout's only fair play.
"
"when huge airliners nose-dive to doom,
large debris fields can add to the gloom.
over broad swaths of ground
mass destruction is found,
like our dear daughter marylou's room
"
"meadhbh, yr lingo hs alw perplexd me;
doze scots wrds abound wen u txt me.
""im fashed,"" u jst sent,
tho itz irked dat u ment:
im irate, so il vent ? cuz u vexd me!
"
"the antonine plague aroused dread;
almost five million people lay dead.
caused by smallpox, it's said
this pandemic soon led
roman armies to halt as it spread.
"
"i thought i'd love sailing ? i'd dig it.
then the captain said, ""up that mast ? rig it!""
with a skipper so gruff,
the pay poor and sea rough,
i said, ""i've had enough of this ? frigate.""
"
"that faburden's tiring, inane.
it's sung over and over again.
while the cantor's immersed
in becoming well-versed,
four bored choristers snore the refrain.
"
"i'm exhilarated ? joyous!  i've waited
for ages.  my boss says i'm slated
for a paycheck surprise.
(i surmise that the rise
in his pants and my pay are related.)
"
"by an iowan friend i was goaded
into touching a fruit that was loaded.
on his farm in dubuque
grew a ""bomb"" ? a strange cuke;
when i touched it, the damn thing exploded!
"
"a contorniate: bronze medal (rare),
round each rim a groove graven with care.
i found one granny'd stolen ?
a tribute to solon ?
in her motorized getaway chair.
"
"after ten years of warring, let's stop.
we will spill no more blood, not one drop.
assault that huge army?
no, that would be barmy;
we must, i repeat, close up shop.
"
"tonight's dance card is full, i am sorry.
my first partner tonight's my friend ari;
then there's barry and bill
tom, dick, harry and will,
plus there's ? wait!  is that your red ferrari?
"
"""armor-plated"" annie acts gruff.
when i touch her, that gal takes no guff.
she's a lady of steel ?
well-protected.  i feel
that to get her to peel will be tough.
"
"bradley told me to stick to my knitting.
i hate that i must do his bidding.
though i get very mad,
i just do what i'm bade;
though brad notes, when i do, my teeth gritting.
"
"feudalism: that was where nations
used ""pyramid"" organizations.
a king took top place,
with the serfs at the base.
every layer had firm obligations.
"
"he disinterestedly said to the three,
""girls, who cares? makes no difference to me.
i can leave it or take it ?
swim suited or naked;
there's a whole lot more fish in the sea.""
"
"let's debellate it, lads, this pale ale!
lift your beer mugs or lift your ale pail.
when our vanquishing's done,
let's have panty-raid fun
at st. elphin's near old darley dale!
"
"inquisition court's boring today,
with just one tortured body to flay.
let's foment strife and trouble,
cause turmoil to bubble:
stir tumult and hubbub, i say!
"
"the principal said doug had fabulated
too many stories. she'd tabulated
tales in her log ?
dubbed doug's homework v. dog ?
which explains how doug's mamelute abdul ate it.
"
"the inn's laundress was somehow cajoled
into playing strip poker, we're told.
she said, ""gambling is fun,
but the dryer is done ?
plus i'm naked. it's best that i fold.""
"
"by the lake, all our clothes off we stripped
and in nought but our skin, in we dipped.
when our mamas found out
what we two were about,
they both blew a fuse; out they flipped.
"
"hoover's fbi agents, called feds,
captured moonshiners, gangsters and reds.
now they try to make sure
that our homeland's secure
so we yanks can sleep safe in our beds.
"
"pescetarian? fish in one's dishes.
fruitarian? fruits, all one wishes.
i'm a cheese-eater (dairy-an).
mary? contrarian:
""vegetarian"" ? plants, plus some fishes.
"
"for hunting the horn was first born,
slyly called by the brits  a ""french horn"";
seems that first cor de chasse
proved a pain in the ass,
so they blamed it on somebody foreign.
"
"the flea flicker? here's what i say:
that american football trick play
(where two laterals go
to and fro ? then a throw
to who knows) oft results in dismay.
"
"that blogger's receiving a flogging
for insulting our faith with his blogging;
with our tenets he clashes.
one thousand switch lashes,
at fifty per week, he is logging.
"
"the despication i have for religion
is more than a tad or a smidgen.
that contempt's strong and deep
for both shepherds and sheep.
to mix metaphors, don't be a pigeon!
"
"an ode that i wrote to a grecian
earned a word from my prof, on completion.
was it excellent?  no.
it was excernent, so
my long ode, he thinks, bears on excretion.
"
"just what is it my sheep flock has got?
a disease of the foot ? looks like rot.
the new vet's sad prognosis:
bacteroides nodosus;
to treat it can cost quite a lot.
"
"you cheater!  you're full of hot air.
you are out of my life ? that's for fair!
yes, i'm finally through
now completely with you.
cry your eyes out ? boo-hoo ?  i don't care.
"
"i said i'd jump nude in the lake
if the pearl that i sold you was fake.
i'm sick ? hear me wheeze?
in that water, i'll freeze!
let me off, man, just cut me a break!
"
"how farrand, how pleasant our home:
our fine icy retreat outside nome.
what i hear we must fear?
igloo-melt this warm year.
uh-oh, dear ? i see drips from the dome!
"
"you enfroward your eldest; i fear
he's becoming unbridled. it's clear
you'd best change your model
to punish, from coddle,
or ""dearie's"" suspended next year.
"
"for great leaders, advice apropos:
""keep closer to you your sworn foe
even more than your friend.""
that's because, in the end,
your opponent's the one you must know.
"
"here there's labor abuse, exploitation.
for that, there's a sad explanation:
protections are poor.
fact'ry owners ignore
the few laws; there's no true regulation.
"
"said the priest to teresa and laura lee:
""you're proposing to whore ? act immorally.
you will forfeit redemption ?
can't grant an exemption
for that, in advance, dispensatorily.""
"
"at the end of this limerick, there
sits an object at which one might stare.
it's an end slug. you ask,
what's that font symbol's task?
it's the sign of the end, a ?.
"
"""before rushing to lunch, do one deed:
in this fruit kindly count every seed.""
""nine ? it's enneaspermous,""
said i, clutching thermos,
proceeding to leave with great speed.
"
"this creature's exsanguious, dear,
so regarded as bloodless; it's clear
that, when squashed, its green ""blood""
oozes out like wet mud,
not the vampire-class blood we revere.
"
"as one samples a large population,
one concludes, after long observation,
sample average is seen
to approach the pop. mean;
the more samples the less deviation.
"
"when you break things you cannot replace,
or, in rage, act in ways that are base;
when you hurt yourself, too,
hurting others, then you
cut your nose off to spite your own face.
"
"atheistical? me, to a t!
yes, i'm godless, because when i see
""god"" let hate and want reign
and the good suffer pain,
i must ask myself, how can he be?
"
"i'd not played a new piece very far,
when a phrase stopped like that! ?|| with a jar.
i thought, ""strange that phrase ended;
was ending intended?
or was it a stray double bar?
"
"i recall a failed tailor, bill fitz,
who'd make misfitting suits at the ritz.
yes, his suits didn't fit
(match the body); they'd split,
so that misfit, bill fitz, called it quits.
"
"filled with guilt, i sneak out to the bog
where i whip myself briskly: self-flog.
all that flagellative venting
brings painful repenting;
none hears my loud screams but the fog.
"
"here's a riddle most folks cannot get get;
if you don't, no big deal, please don't fret.
just what kind of strange thing
has eight legs and can sing?
it's a barbershop (fooled ya!) quartet.
"
"in alaska, i bag kangaroo.
it's my bag ? what i love most to do.
what's that? you've concluded
i'm stupid, deluded?
well, next time i go, you come too!
"
"assessed value was high, so i cried,
""let us sell this old house!"" so we tried
to unload it, but no!
appraised value was low:
the damn market was oversupplied.
"
"my rattrap's a tightly wound spring
that reacts at the tiniest thing.
an elastic new plastic,
its energy's spastic ?
bats rats with a death-dealing ding!
"
"every week i enjoy soothing rations
of darn-close-to-weightless sensations.
adrift in my pool,
i hang loose in those cool
meditation-inducing flotations.
"
"my first-born i named allen huey.
the second i named alfred louis,
the third? same type name.
but the fourth? not the same:
al dente (in lieu of al chewy).
"
"here's fermat's little theorem, ami:
take prime p and an integer, b.
now raise b to the p.
subtract b; what you'll see
is an integer times that prime p.
"
"ritscher?schinzel's a syndrome that's rare.
striking skull flaws can make people stare.
what sets it apart
is that brain, head, and heart
all have defects that need varied care.
"
"using carolina reaper last fall
on a hot dog i bought at a stall,
i'd one blazing desire:
cold beer for the fire?
it's the hottest damn pepper of all!
"
"the fifties were such a delight.
we would slow-dance to ""still of the night"".
that's when barrooms were joints,
and girls' sweaters had points:
1950?9 were just right.
"
"ennobled am i, this fine day.
made a nobleman: cheers and hooray!
i say damn the humility ?
now i'm nobility,
bow as you're backing away.
"
"i had danced, every night, the fandango,
till i slipped on a newly peeled mango.
on my butt i was tossed:
my fast dance skills were lost ?
i'm reduced to a slow-moving tango.
"
"i'm at hahvahd. my life was bucahlic
till i tumbled to elephant gahlic.
now i faht and i reek
from this wrongly named leek ?
that pachyderm term is symbahlic.
"
"select positive integers (three).
raise each one to the n&hairsp;th.  should you see
two then sum to the third?
as wiles proved, so i've heard?
no n greater than 2 can there be!
"
"""we've been decimated,"" colonel smith stated,
""half are wounded or dead.  our foe waited
well hid, powder dry.
until all of us die,
their famed blood lust, i know, won't be sated.""
"
"the old nurse said to jack,  ""time to cath.""
unaware of that catheter's path,
jack said, ""fine, i don't care"".
till she pointed to where,
when he screamed, having fast done the math.
"
"""where have holly and molly, by golly, gone?""
""i think holly and molly have prolly gone
home, where holl fangles
exterior angles
extending the sides of moll's polygon.""
"
"through the fog-cloud to starboard i see
the ghost clipper ship tacking towards me,
its worn dutch flag a-flying.
escape? no point trying:
from hell-bent fast ships skiffs can't flee.
"
"the crossrow was used to display
abc's in a cruciform way.
symbols writ, not in lines,
but in cross-shaped designs:
superstition ? not practiced today.
"
"""once we sing us a song, it is sung!
once we ring us a bell, it is rung!
what we fling, is then flung!""
mused my cow, cheek round tongue,
""when the thing i do's done, it is dung.""
"
"though four forecasters forecasted rain,
all four forecasters flunked, that is plain.
seems their duty ? prediction ?
begets dereliction;
their forecastings failed once again.
"
"anti-vaccinationists: people who feel
that vaccines cause a danger that's real.
they say autism's what
might result from a shot,
while, say, measles is ""not a big deal"".
"
"at the end of the maze, where the brook ended,
stood a cast iron gate that was bookended
by two cops on each side.
i saw nowhere to hide;
that's the place where my days as a crook ended.
"
"define dripple?  i'll bite, take a nibble:
a cross between drip, and say, dribble?
is the great oed
in agreement with me?
it is? that's divine, i won't quibble!
"
"their once-blissful coupling is failing,
like a mis-driven train that's derailing.
that ""heaven-made"" marriage?
an off-the-rails carriage
that's leaving the tracks, with tears trailing.
"
"my drinking's a serious ailment;
i drive trains. drunk, i caused a derailment.
when we flew off the rail
in the air for a sail
i turned pale, because it ""off to jail!"" meant.
"
"an exceeder  you'd be, who succeeds
by going beyond with his deeds?
then i'll double your quota,
plus one wee iota:
pull 2.1 days' worth of weeds.
"
"i felt jubilant, joyful, yes, festive,
till yule gluttony led to bowels restive.
gobbling turkey galore
plus those pies (and much more!)
soon engendered disturbance digestive.
"
"tonight you fell short of my hope.
are your actions condonable? nope,
you cannot be excused.
dude, i want to be used;
gimme more than a half-hearted grope!
"
"unprepared as to where ducts should go,
the duct-stacking squadron was slow.
they considered it fine
to stack ducts out of line,
so i'd yell, ""get those ducts in a row!""
"
"though you're smarter than me (and much bigger),
in a showdown with me, pal, i figger
(or, like you say, ""conclude"")
you'll be one real dead dude ?
cause you're slower than hell on the trigger.
"
"i was dead-struck last week, filled with dread,
since a seer said i'd soon lose my head.
i thought head off my body,
not head meaning ""potty""?
a storm took the latter instead.
"
"that nasty review bums me out,
so that's why i'm down, why i pout.
what hurts most, i confess,
is the headline: ""cross-dress:
garb-age book one can well do without!""
"
"to my sweetheart a poem i'll compose.
""my love's like a red red red rose:
everduring (eternal)?""
absurd! that infernal
first line, with three red?s? that one goes.
"
"my friend fred was perplexed when beth said,
""gee, your bed is so feculent, fred!""
""that means what, tell me siri?""
""umm, 'shitty', fred dearie,
you can't see my face, but it's red.""
"
"the king was upset, his face red;
close-enguarded (protected), he said,
""there's a stench in the air!
for our guards, we declare
a new law: loose a fart? lose a head.""
"
"""technologically falling behind""
is how oldsters like me are defined.
with new stuff i'm astounded,
amazed and confounded;
those geeks can't stop blowing my mind!
"
"i live in a food desert.  sad!
not a bit of fresh food can be had.
there's no market around;
it was burned to the ground?
just canned goods can be found.  things are bad.
"
"the phallus-shaped fetish i wear
is a fascinum that, should you dare
upon me to spy
with your dread evil eye,
will stymie your satanist stare.
"
"the tapering edge of that board?
its featheredge?that i ignored
in building this ceiling.
so now i am reeling;
in fact, i must say i am floored.
"
"a forest contains just those trees
that match what its climate decrees.
i shall see a saguaro-
type forest tomorrow;
the temp? forty (celsius) degrees.
"
"five a.m., and my dear wife proclaims
she's prepared for, you know, fun and games.
so i say, ""my sweet lady,
""you're sixty, i'm eighty.
my fire's nearly out ? fan the flames!""
"
"dad expressed disapproval that day,
yet no word of reproach did he say.
first his eyes skyward rolled,
then he stared, his glare cold,
when i told him i'd rolled in the hay.
"
"when i'm netting for fish, what i wish for
is a fish that will make a fine dish for
my mom.  but in my catch,
i find lots of bycatch:
fish unwished for, that i did not fish for.
"
"we can't feasibly do it? i knew it!
your words were, ""that job? nothing to it!""
we are now on the hook
for what we undertook ?
an impossible task! man, we blew it.
"
"our approval (ha!) rating has tanked.
we in congress are so lowly ranked,
it appears none among us
rates higher than fungus;
so all of us jerks should get spanked.
"
"i learned, from my physics degree,
about entropy. where? mit.
here's a chaos-based joke
for entropic-versed folk:
""things are not what they once used to be"".
"
"the taxicab distance from b
to a is quite different, you see,
from a straight line; indeed,
for the latter you need
a euclidean metric. agree?
"
"the figure skater skated while drunk,
so his tracings on ice truly stunk.
he'd figured he skated
quite well, but belated-
ly said, much deflated, ""they're junk.""
"
"your voice in this church? not exalting.
you're failing, but you i'm not faulting.
one just can't sound superb
when arched (curved) roofs reverb;
it's so sad that your voice is revaulting.
"
"when we took roger in as a lodger,
he bragged ""i'm a handy old codger!""
but then sadly we watched
as old rog badly botched
his repairs, making roger a bodger.
"
"dannemora could not be securer,
but we'll leave by a route that's obscurer
than most.  our procurer?
'twas easy to lure her!
our flight, that's for sure, will cause furor.
"
"i have booted them out of the force ?
threw them out without honor.  of course,
i agree they're resourceful;
but so unremorseful
for shooting and eating my horse.
"
"i was booted today off the train ?
ejected! to all it was plain
i had over-imbibed.
telling what was described
as bad jokes, far too loud and profane.
"
"the best headline e'er written, by far,
in five words told a story bizarre.
yes, it's far and away
still unmatched to this day:
""headless body in (wait?) topless bar""!
"
"i am known in the trade as an eeler.
i catch eels i won't sell to will wheeler,
as will pays not a lot
for each eel that i've caught;
will's the wiliest eel wheeler-dealer.
"
"with all fasickles (chapters) i'm through.
they're installments that you won't review.
your words ""frightfully crappy""
did not make me happy;
livraisons i shall not send to you!
"
"at our coaching inn, people can rest.
horses too. it is here, i suggest,
you unwind. it's plain right
that you stop for the night,
get a bite, and sleep tight ? be our guest.
"
"our decastyle mansion is grand ?
its ten pillars unique in the land.
but we bowed to temptation;
with gold columnation,
it cost tenfold more than we'd planned.
"
"how euphoriant, dear, just to hear ya!
your look and your looks, they endear ya
to me.  it's euphoria
seeing, dear, more o' ya ?
just being, victoria, near ya!
"
"you bum!  on this floor i shall fling ?
throw with vigor ? this wee diamond ring!
i shall show you the door;
you'll betray me no more,
neither you nor your pitiful ""thing""!
"
"i'm exhausted; i'm just gonna flop ??
fall down on my bed, simply drop.
i've been swabbing away
in this shop the whole day
mopping glop pop keeps dropping, non-stop.
"
"the flashbang: explosive device
that can stun a small gang in a trice.
lights and noise cause much fear:
one can't see, one can't hear.
but ""non-lethal""? that term's imprecise.
"
"on my french flageolet i shall toot.
it's a tubular-ducted-type flute.
such flutes are constructed
with fipples so ducted
that air takes a whistling route.
"
"that old lawyer from egypt, ""pa"" pyrus,
sent a letter to sue, not admire, us.
the prime allegation?
our brain operation
had damaged his wife's dentate gyrus.
"
"in the zoo, the ape sharpened his ape claws:
on-the-end-of-his toes, sharp curved-shape claws.
he escaped through the ceiling;
the zookeeper, reeling,
sighed, ""looks like he used his escape claws.""
"
"i peeked in as she started to doff
her white nightgown, to ""take it all off"".
ere she disrobed completely,
i acted discreetly:
ahemmed, with a low warning cough.
"
"no more stalls, dad ? let's put this to rest.
who's the daughter that you loved the best
of all six of us girls?
was it june, with those curls ?
about time you came clean and confessed!
"
"on low timbers in pubs one might see
""duck or grouse!"",  which warns patrons like me
that those drunks who don't duck
will be shit out of luck;
they'll say, ""ouch!"", then they'll grouch ""s.o.b!""
"
"false smut is a rice farmer's bane.
it's a fungus disease. but what's plain
is this smut isn't true!
as to why, the main clue
is its phylum.  i'll try to explain?
"
"three dwarves burgling got shocked. what a task it
was to find that ""short"" circuit! i ask it
of you to help bury
wee tom, dick and jerry;
put all these fried yeggs in one casket.
"
"who can say who's an average joe?
you can call her jane doe or jo blow,
but she is not me;
while she's average, you see,
i'm above her ? she's somewhat below.
"
"he exogenously caused the retreat.
senate voting was tied, near complete;
then what i would describe
as an outsider's bribe
caused the bill to go down in defeat.
"
"class, we're missing balloonists today.
seems they flouted rule 1, sad to say:
""don't balloon in high wind!""
now those guys are chagrined ?
got too zealous and carried away.
"
"let us honor your feat with a feast!
the roasting pan's heated and greased.
we shall eat a whole lot of
(in fact all we've got of)
whichever of beasts is deceased.
"
"on myself all my troubles i bring.
i got irked and yelled, ""off with this thing!""
with a furious fling,
i tossed high my gold bling;
now i seek what i lost, my flung ring.
"
"what i asked that wapiti, a bull,
whose elk's coat looked like scruffy brown wool,
was, ""i'm taking a census
 of cervus canadensis.
do you oft o'er folks eyes that wool pull?""
"
"enceladus, scientists say,
has a sea, we were told just today.
from the lecturer's notes:
""saturn's moon got most votes
as most likely for life."" hip-hooray!
"
"our boat's sprung a leak.  tempest-tossed,
it could sink any time ? we'll be lost.
i pray fervently, though,
that my bro with a tow
from bordeaux arrives soon.  fingers crossed!
"
"equilibrants balance out forces
with some opposite forces, like horses
that pull 'gainst each other
and don't get no futher,
according to horse's mouth sources.
"
"we sat scared in a jail in sioux falls,
put there merely for stealing three balls.
that's why we, as fear grew,
without further ado,
like apes caged in a zoo, climbed the walls.
"
"take a look at this boat that i made,
how the timber's so carefully laid!
it's a beautiful sight
seeing planks close and tight.
as we shipbuilders say, they are ""fayed"".
"
"his edulcoration, some say, was irrational.
about owning that team he was passional.
he sweetened the pot
with more money (a lot);
that two billion made news, international.
"
"the pressure from outside's increased.
that exogenous din hasn't ceased.
crowds demand to know why
all three judges and i
won't release their fave pig-greasing priest.
"
"how mem'ries flood back, now i'm old!
to avoid catching cold i was told
by ma, ""you had better
get dressed in your sweater;
you'll catch, son, your death from the cold.""
"
"it's breakfast-time: all i can say
is that morning's the best time of day!
as together we eat,
lucky i, from my seat,
drink in you with my caf? au lait.
"
"formatting? that i revile?
arranging my poems in a style
that obeys arcane rules
set by pig-headed mules.
use italics? use quotes? what a trial!
"
"that great book that i bought when in town
i'd espied way up high by the crown
of an arch in the store.
this thick tome i adore ?
anti-gravity. can't put it down.
"
"what got caught in my little newt scoop
were the nymphs; an adorable troupe
of them. (troupe's the wrong word
but the right one's absurd;
the word congress describes such a group.)
"
"class clown clarence is one of those blokes
who makes wisecracks and constantly pokes
clever fun when in school
and pretends he's a fool:
a true wise-acre, student of jokes.
"
"to the crop duster papa appealed:
""dust that hectare to raise my crop's yield!""
but the awful boll weevil
remained pa's prime evil;
that dumb duster had sprayed the wrong field.
"
"such embryonate conduct i had:
nascent, immature deeds, as a lad.
now i'm seasoned and wise;
so to no one's surprise,
i'm now acting exactly like dad.
"
"the chiltepin pepper is small?
near the tiniest pepper of all
but it's got a whole lot
of what makes peppers hot;
use too much, you'll be climbing the wall!
"
"want to see my eruginous zone?
it's a phrase that my children disown.
what i tongue-in-cheek mean
is my room, bluish-green.
my erogenous zone can't be shown.
"
"doctor biendisch is fiendish, they say:
cruel and evil. he's traded away
his soul to the devil
(and that's on the level!);
one day he'll have satan to pay.
"
"habanero sauce? nothing but praise!
red-hot fire in my guts burned for days.
but that blaze (four alarm)
did my tummy some harm;
i'll use blazeless, for now, mayonnaise.
"
"hmm. the e'?s in discrete are discrete,
while those e'?s in discreet? they repeat!
drat! ?i see in repeat
its two e'?s are discrete;
this mnemonic goes down to defeat.

if at first you don't succeet?

hmm. the e'?s in discrete are discrete,
not joined.  in discreet, the e'?s meet
to make love, oh so sweetly,
backseatly, discreetly.
now, this one works great ? what a feat!
"
"the runaway's clothing, they say,
was cloth strips she had hidden away.
to describe such a bird,
use this seldom-heard word:
""her disguise is all clootie today"".
"
"the castle we rent has a moat
where i keep my adorable float,
""blow-up bess"", who supports me ?
like joy, who exhorts me,
""find work, lazy goat!"" (quote-unquote).
"
"archimedean solid? we'll make
one by carving this cube ? piece of cake!
for a cubo-octahedron,
fourteen faces we need, ron;
cutting corners is what it will take.
"
"your double-parked car is a pain.
it is blocking the sole narrow lane.
the street's not too wide;
parking cars side by side
will provoke perorations profane.
"
"private budd trudged the war-torn back road,
with his pack on his back, a full load.
then budd shouted, ""i've found
a dud round on the ground;
is it true misfired shells can exp?""
"
"he was drafted last month, was young bill.
he was doing okay up until
they said, ""hold your gun steady"";
then, not, ""fire when ready"" ?
instead it was, ""fire at will!""
"
"ever since his assault  i am wary
of my cow-milking neighbor, strange harry.
from his act i still shudder:
with milk, eggs and butter
he hit me ? no warning.  how dairy!
"
"when i beef up a calf, i am fatting.
when i tattle on pals, i am ratting.
when a note sounds too sharp
whilst i'm playing the harp,
that note, dropped a half-step, i'm flatting.
"
"you've two girls on the line. it gets late
while you choose whom to date as i wait.
jill's smart (but she's snooty);
jane's dumb (but what booty!).
it's time that you fish or cut bait!
"
"as to bug navigation, among
all the insects just those that roll dung
have been proven to use
astronomical cues:
no one knew that from stars such hints sprung!
"
"the rapidly fleeing young ape
has embarked on a daring escape.
as he zooms through the zoo,
taking flight, all we do
is, like moai, just stare, mouths agape.
"
"anemophily meant, i'd surmised,
""loving enemas"".  i was surprised
that my excretal leanings
were wrong; its true meaning's
""pollination through wind"", i'm advised.
"
"in her exclamative way, may yelled, ""jay!
oh my god! you are leaving today!""
i said, ""yes, you strange dame.
i can't take your exclaim-
ing, your ceaselessly banging away.""
"
"on all of my poems i expended
lots of effort, but then i befriended
a tough editor who
says my work stinks like poo.
every line's now corrected ? emended.
"
"with our architects i used to lurk;
i'd find circles they'd use in their work,
sometimes halves.  they'd yell ""demi-!""
or ""hemi-!"" or ""semi-!""
they called me their chief circle jerk.
"
"i, a taphophile, trumpet my ravings
of engravings for which i have cravings.
those engravements?  sublime!
i shall spend every dime
taking rubbings; i'll use my life savings.
"
"just last week, staff was playing that game
where each member attempts to shift blame.
i cried, ""stop!  call a halt
to this urge to find fault!""
but instead my demand fanned the flame.
"
"that bad cold snap's arrived; it is here.
from this brief frigid stretch it is clear
we'll continue to nosh
on the pumpkins and squash,
while tomato plants end their career.
"
"the architect issued new floor plans,
but i don't want to see any more plans.
more blueprints to scale
will just cause me to pale;
i'll award him my ""you're out the door plans!""
"
"i'm an expert at two kinds of acronym:
the reverse-engineered, called a bacronym;
and the kind that is nested ?
lord help us, infested! ?
with acronyms. that's  called a macronym.
"
"dora sat for her picture, so prettily.
all her bits had been fussed with, things fiddly,
that need close attention.
(couldn't help, i should mention ?
'bout girl things most daddies know diddly.)
"
"let me stress this exceptionless rule:
""should you carry a gun into school,
real or toy, we're compelled
to declare you expelled:
zero tolerance.''  don't be a fool!
"
"dick dastardly, black-mustached villain
was ever prepared, more than willin'
to win races by cheating,
which proved self-defeating.
his catchphrases garnered top billin'.
"
"that gay bobolink so loves to sing
in those mornings of rebirth in spring!
with a song loud and hearty,
that bird's its own party;
tomorrow i'll shoot the damn thing.
"
"""you'll repose (that is one of your notions!)
while we pose our proposals? we've oceans!""
""i'm the kind that does best
when his body's at rest;
i won't move ? you two dudes make the motions.""
"
"i asked, ""what is that strange-looking thing, gus?""
""i'm not sure; mingus called it a dingus.
this strange gizmo, this doodad ?
let's hope that it's true, dad! ?
some good luck will bring us, per mingus.""
"
"in twelve bars, here's some heart breakin' news:
i been singin' those baby's gone blues.
yeah, my baby, she's gone ?
but my singin' goes on
in the aab pattern i choose.
"
"i can not make the tiniest dent
in his conspiratorialist bent.
leery don never wearies
of secret-scheme theories;
for conspiracists, don's heaven-sent.
"
"we are etymological nerds
seeking plurale tantum-type words
that our lingo's co-opted
and fully adopted,
like aves (the class name for ""birds"".)
"
"in england, ribbed fans had their day.
they formed fan vaults, up high on display.
that's where four (maybe more)
conoid surfaces soar
and are joined in an intricate way.
"
"poor john napier foundered in fog;
condensed vapor had covered the bog.
he was groggy, unable
to work at his table;
unstable, he tripped on a log.
"
"the stock of words rhyming with orange
(one's a hill found in wales, called ""the blorenge"")
is exhaustible; i
will run out.  it runs dry
with sporangium's synonym: sporange.
"
"to keep infantry marching in line,
martial common time rhythm is fine.
those four beats to the bar
help young marchers march far:
look for c, its time signature sign.
"
"i never felt part of the fold ?
our ""flock""; i was left in the cold.
while i got the dribs,
the best went to sibs.
they'll be sorry the day i'm paroled.
"
"woolen estamin fabric, light-weight,
once used to be used to create
clothing, curtains, and sieves.
the fabric still lives,
but most uses are now out of date.
"
"i attempted to crash a posh party,
but was stopped by a uniformed guard. he
said, ""i'd be delighted
to pass those invited.
you weren't?  then beat it now, smarty!""
"
"have you heard of didelphis?  i saw some
of those possums; in fights they look awesome.
when those critters play dead,
they don't fool us, instead
we impale 'em on pitchforks and toss 'em.
"
"how pure is this oil you pressed
from your olives?  i see that you guessed
it was tops.  that's not true,
for you see that my new
elaiometer reads ""far from best!""
"
"an evaluator friend who's a souse
came to set a fair price for my house.
his work done, i said, ""pal, you
assigned a low value ?
i estimate you are a louse.""
"
"she would cruise in that cheap, run-down flivver.
with no heat in that car she would shiver.
it was tattered, it leaked,
it was ugly, it creaked ?
but the best that her daddy could give her.
"
"i'm in serious trouble, alas.
it seems no one will give me a pass.
i'm a scared teen-age fool
'cause i sold weed in school.
you're the rat-fink, but my ass is grass.
"
"there's a fire-armed man at the door.
with that gun, i know what he's here for:
to dispatch his young wife,
once the light of his life,
having learned she's no more than a whore.
"
"mr. thistle, what's this all about?
all our rules you dismiss ? baldly flout.
i read your epistle;
it made my hairs bristle.
i'm blowing the whistle ? you're out!
"
"from that crowd, loud and clear, in my ear,
that is? yes!?rule britannia i hear.
england's cricket team fans
oft have cans in their hands;
barmy-armies like those love their  beer.
"
"that door knocker's made out of crap.
though i bought one, i sure was a sap.
its ad ? pack of lies! ?
shows a faux no-bell prize.
some insist that it's got a bad rap.
"
"folks, meet snead.  i suggest that you heed 'er ?
she's our number one ammeter reader.
she's fast; no deterrent
thwarts her reading a current
(amp) meter with speed. snead's the leader!
"
"we just rowed a short dongola race.
bad mixed crews had dropped out to save face.
the sole boat that was in it
(that's us) took one minute
to win, taking first and last place.
"
"that beats all, frank, yes, that beats the band,
so extreme is your negative stand
against murdering foes.
let me please ease your woes
for ""today's special"" price: seven grand.
"
"from the dag-tailed hind end of the sheep,
bo cut daglocks while time seemed to creep.
exceedingly bored,
ms peep's task was ignored;
shunning shearing, she snored, deep in sleep.
"
"cacomantis flabelliformis, ms. drew,
is a plain fan-tailed cuckoo that you
should pursue in tasmania,
not pennsylvania,
where you've wasted your time hitherto.
"
"what i mean when i say i'm ""bummed out""?
no, my backside's not hanging about.
i mean i'm dejected.
we'd sex unprotected ?
and now i'm infected, you lout!
"
"fran, a fan of frank's, fawningly nattered
till friends said,  ""although frank acts flattered,
frankly, frank could care less.""
it caused fran great distress
not to be a frank fawner who mattered.
"
"what are fishways?  that's straightforward, ma'am:
they get spawning fish out of a jam.
thanks to rungless sloped ""ladders"",
tough fish do what matters:
upstream swimming to hurdle a dam.
"
"you have copd, with its wheezes,
as well as comorbid diseases:
chronic ills. you have four.
let's not add to that more
complications ? no colds, coughs, or sneezes.
"
"solar times have a difference between
the apparent (the true) and the mean.
it is called the equation
of time.  on occasion,
agreement of both of them's seen.
"
"epithelialisation's innate.
skin healing time often's not great.
let such wounds have some air.
treat their scabs with great care,
and new skin will grow there, no debate.
"
"elementally speaking, my daughter,
all that ""science"" you learned the last quarter
re some chemical table
is fantasy, fable:
trust fire, dear, earth, air and water.
"
"""bully for you!"" my dad said.
""keep it up; much success lies ahead!
yes, bravo, encore.
quite well done!  one thing more:
get a job, now you've got out of bed.""
"
"the elephantry: they were our tanks,
troopers mounted on elephants. ranks
next of cavalry came.
the foe lost, we won fame,
and that night to the lord we gave thanks.
"
"let us stand by mike's aged 88:
that piano he plays. (loud, not great.)
let us croon ? sing along,
with the harmony wrong,
those old ""june-moon-spoon"" songs until late.
"
"against twenty-four beds i am pitted ?
two dozen's too much ? i admit it!
it's a son of a bitch
to make beds; work for which
neither i nor the sheets seem well fitted.
"
"our mouse house? a bore, rectilineal.
i, mickey, bought minnie a finial
i'll nail to the gable
as soon as i'm able.
i love it; i just hope that minnie'll.
"
"to be clear, sir, i don't give a whit
if a fruit's flesh adheres to its pit.
either type is my thing:
both the clingstones that cling,
and the freestones that don't, are a hit!
"
"the word dessicate, friend, has passed by
the word exsiccate.  i don't know why,
as they both mean the same:
""to dry up"".  who's to blame?
let's ask pete, the philology guy.
"
"the frat house got dark.  i howled, ""outage!""
it seems i was wrong.  it was cloudage:
just masses of cloud.
my bros sneered ? said aloud
mocking words, so i yowled, ""cut the floutage!""
"
"she believed that her strip act was  great,
but she suffered a humbling fate.
in lieu of loud cheers,
she got floutage ? loud jeers
and harsh mockery.  why? girth and weight.
"
"a fender-bender mishap i had,
my car hit by a scared teen-aged lad.
""i will give you some dough;
just don't let geico know
of this damage ? it's slight,"" said his dad.
"
"a paintball at debbie was lobbed.
""now my dress is a mess!"" debbie sobbed.
she got home late that night,
splattered dress a sad sight.
said deb's dad, ""i'll be damned ? you're bedaubed!""
"
"if it bites, it is something that's bad
as in losing an i- (phone or pad),
or on learning a deal
was not really a steal,
and concluding that one has been had.
"
"fleming's easy-to-use right-hand rule
is a handy mnemonical tool.
simply point and you'll know
the way current will flow;
it's what's taught at my double-e school.
"
"electrical's tough engineering!
the exams were a bitch, i was hearing.
complex circuit design ?
that is where i'd do fine;
it's the practical stuff i was fearing.
"
"the one missing from grace, out of place?
the drunk sot with the beery-eyed face.
he is now not allowed
to hang out on our cloud.
it's the third time he's fallen from grace.
"
"""contraposition? it's logic-wise this:
conversion through negation, sweet miss.
if all b must be c,
then not-c means not-b.
if you get that, just give me a kiss.""
"
"selling pots in the street, taking turns,
are ephebi (greek youths), as sol burns.
how i yearn now to know,
as they burn, how much dough
grecians earn when they sell grecian urns.
"
"now and then, as i lie in my bed,
half awake, i hear deep in my head
raucous noises and light,
with a feeling of fright;
that exploding head syndrome i dread.
"
"who's the donald? a magnate named trump ?
now a candidate out on the stump.
while he spouts long and loud
for the tea party crowd,
dems enjoy a latino vote bump!
"
"my boy, you've a terrible smell.
it's strong and it's pungent: it's fell.
you've not bathed in two weeks,
so your whole body reeks.
at the dance, son, you'll be a hard sell.
"
"three brown bears quit their cottage to forage
(that's ""find food"") during coolage of porridge.
but then goldilocks, cruel,
gobbled baby bear's gruel,
sneaking in through their unsecured gorage.
"
"when that myth about me got some traction,
my ridiculous overreaction
was wild, unrestrained.
i declaimed until drained,
but that freak-out gave no satisfaction.
"
"all her life my dear wife had a hope
she might bathe in fall (autumnal) soap.
winter, summer and spring
i'd find soap i could bring;
but not fall  soap ? nope, false hope.  she'd mope.
"
"there's a cure for your dullness?  you read about it?
and wonderful things have been said about it?
that's just raising false hopes ?
there's no help for born dopes.
get it out of your mind, joe: fuggedaboudit!""
"
"drop-dead dates for my payments i hate:
they're those dates beyond which you won't wait.
should i be a day late,
your revenge will be great
and i'll suffer a terrible fate.
"
"on our first date we sampled acts lewd ?
for example, that dip in the nude.
still, i vowed not to fecundate
kate on our second date;
""pregnancy,"" kate pled, ""preclude!""
"
"""that scale costs too much ? i won't pay!""
i heard a sly chizzer (cheat) say.
so he used a fake dime
to commit a small crime:
stole a weigh, then stole quickly away.
"
"that glitch? your idea might have fixed it.
but our drunken ship's skipper just nixed it ?
unthinkingly bashed it,
kept drinking and trashed it.
we're sinking cause skip eighty-sixed it.
"
"my deuce coupe is a '32 car;
for us racers it sets a high bar.
i remain unamused
when that term is confused
with doux scoops of french mousse. har-dee-har.
"
"timid bert once attempted to flirt
with gert, who said this (how it hurt!):
""you're as ugly as sin,
with an infantile grin!""
he accepted her insult: ate dirt.
"
"so the cops thought you'd stolen that loot.
when you fled, several opted to shoot.
seems your case has some merit,
so now i must ferret
out truth; that's a sleuth's prime pursuit.
"
"my wife's job? seems its ""boss me around"" ?
one more hen-pecked than i can't be found.
should i dare to talk back,
she'll launch frying pans ? thwack!
so i simply submit, sans a sound.
"
"in a freak show sat hairy pat grady,
yellin', ""kiss me ? it's free, mike ol' matey!""
methinks, somethin' is weird?
that gal's sportin' a beard!
i ain't kissin' no fat bearded lady!
"
"the demineralizer broke, came a cropper;
now our water contains excess copper.
sans min'ral extraction
the plant's out of action ?
that halts the whole line, it's a stopper!
"
"you cite details with great specificity,
so your story has ample facticity.
truly, i'm awed:
you have proven there's fraud,
not just pushing-the-limits duplicity.
"
"today, while enjoying a toke
of an ""herb"", herb got caught: that's no joke.
dea yells, ""illegal!""
says herb's legal eagle,
""those narc types are just blowing smoke.""
"
"anatomy centers around
where the bones and the muscles are found,
where the feet and the hands,
and the lymph nodes and glands,
and the tissues and organs abound.
"
"appositive juxtaposition,
we're positive, calls for contrition,
when one would have supposed
that the items apposed,
should be posed in the opp'site position.
"
"polymerase enzymes must stay
attached while they make dna:
takes an anchor or tether
to keep them together,
like eukaryotes' pcna.
"
"alberta, a girl who's a dear,
moved to canada some time last year.
her provenance, though,
i simply don't know.
that's out of my province, i fear.
"
"an admiral docked at the slip
with an admirable plan for his trip:
to engage some good craftsmen,
some shipwrights, and draftsmen
to build him an artisanship.
"
"the beautiful burglar was cunning,
but ringing alarms sent her running.
police shouted ""stop!""
she was nabbed by a cop,
and the outcome, arresting, was stunning.
"
"heard a tune, an atonalist wrote it.
i'd hum it, but fear i'd misquote it.
she plays random keys
with a consummate ease.
if her music's off-key, who would note it?
"
"as instructed, a yoga tutee
inverted herself in a ""vee,""
then considered, agog,
what a down-facing dog
might do to a down-facing tree.
"
"complaint from an old movie star:
""they've deleted my scenes. it's bizarre!
so i state it concisely,
to sum it up nicely:
they shouldn't abridge it too far!""
"
"i'm making a soup-of-the-day,
but it needs some more dill, and i may
add some anise seed, or
just a pinch of ""du jour,""
which enhances the flavor, they say.
"
"fae defining strange words i won't shirk.
words like fae; that's a word that takes work.
fae where does it come?
fae scotland: means ""from"",
as in ""tak' fae yer breeks yer auld dirk!""
"
"for that countersunk hole, what you need
is a screw that is meant to recede.
get a flathead screw, joe;
it's flat top will not show.
it'll work like a charm, guaranteed.
"
"wow, you've made this an edenized place ?
it's your very own paradise, grace!
and what's totally cool
is your nakedness rule:
not a suit in the pool.  let's embrace!
"
"your belittling words break my heart.
you tell me i'm not very smart.
you make me feel small
with, ""you're no use at all!""
you've got scornfulness down to an art.
"
"the plane dove in a sudden steep pitch
when the copilot flipped the fifth switch.
he yelled, ""son of a bitch ?
when i threw that fifth switch
i was sure i knew which switch was which!""
"
"expected return is a lie.
it's a terrible guide and here's why:
its fatal defect
is that math term ""expect""?
your retirement might go awry.
"
"""those below-the-fold ads one can't see
are so useless!"" my boss said to me.
""scrolling down takes its toll
on our sales volume goal ?
all above-the-fold ads, i decree!""
"
"oh, how smoothly she sails through thin air ?
pirouetting, it seems, with no care
for harsh gravity's chain.
she's all grace and no strain;
at her feathery floating i stare.
"
"i have never been right- or left-handed,
so i'm equipoised.  let me be candid;
when young, dating boys,
i was one of their toys,
poised to use either hand, as demanded.
"
"encephaloid: shaped like a brain.
not much else has that form, that is plain.
when insisting i'd bake
a gray-matter-shaped cake,
my wife's take? ""for chrissake, you're insane!""
"
"as the clues, signs, and portents appear,
apprehensiveness gives way to fear.
but false worries are ended
when fate's apprehended,
and the path through the maze becomes clear.
"
"while mowing your lawn, which is weedful,
advertency's crucial and needful.
it's painful to lose
any toes?watch your shoes!
that takes mindfulness, lucid and heedful.
"
"my shopping cart wheels 'round the floor.
i'll be cooking a dinner for four.
what i covet the most
is a tender beef roast.
so which aisle has au jus in this store?
"
"meridiem, five years at most,
went along with her mum to the post.
""older sister,"" mum smiled,
""is expecting a child.
here's to aunthood!"" a choc'late-milk toast.
"
"an auntlike and flowery note
came to nieces, abroad and remote.
it was writ on fine vellum
by old auntie bellum.
how marvelous; watch auntie dote!
"
"a ford and a chevy, in passion,
made whoopieness, after a fashion.
the ford tried to jump 'er
got stuck on her bumper,
and passion devolved into crashin'.
"
"autocorrelate patterns in space
or in time, and here's what would take place:
if some distance between
larger peaks was routine,
we'd see peaks in the function we'd trace.
"
"the ache in my head's periodic.
(at first, it was just episodic.)
for my migraine, i'm told,
i'll take drugs from a mold.
(they're derived from a deadly ergotic.)
"
"an auditor auditing books,
finding errors wherever she looks,
is distraught to uncover
a fraud, and discover
the company's teeming with crooks.
"
"words ending -c-y, as designed,
show the properties being defined:
apparency's clearness,
adjacency's nearness,
adherency sticks in my mind.
"
"since finding a rhyme can be tough,
perhaps similar spelling's enough.
we'd rhyme bough with a cough,
or pair plough with a trough.
it's not great, but it's adequate stuff.
"
"so ably and nimbly and sprightly,
their billowy gowns spinning slightly,
silhouettes deftly twirl,
pirouetting awhirl;
slender shadows, they swirl, oh so lightly.
"
"one-eyed tigers that list to the right,
caught on fire find themselves in a plight:
it is hard to be cheerful
with asymmetries fearful
when one burns in the forests of night.
"
"antiglobulin often is bound
to another ig it's around.
aggregation together
depends upon whether
multivalent attachment is found.
"
"a playwright is rarely delighted
by actors whose mem'ries are blighted.
it's not good enough
when they speak off the cuff,
and the lines are ad-libbed, not recited.
"
"a buttery battery bakery,
selling me fattening cakery:
calorie curious?
angry and furious!
scandalous labeling fakery!
"
"ruth offered her heart without guile.
""accepted,"" said art with a smile.
but their marriage turned sour.
now she's art-less and dour,
and he's ruth-lessly living in style.
"
"ancientness hangs in the air,
and the mask on the ground can but stare.
it is windy and sandy as
king ozymandias,
shattered, looks on in despair.
"
"the folks who are easily peeved,
or angry, or feeling aggrieved,
or those in a schism,
could join our new -ism:
antagon, a church we've conceived.
"
"if a man had one daughter so dear,
that would make him a parent, we hear.
'tis apparently true;
doubly so, since there's two.
that's transparently, patently clear.
"
"when a person is autoimmune,
her defenses react all too soon:
her immune recognition
attempts demolition
of self, which is inopportune.
"
"senatorial bodies, august,
would recess in the summer, we trust.
their ambitions in rome
would require they go home,
where they'd canvass for votes, as they must.
"
"on the floor, our sorbet-like dessert.
for the cleanup, we'll use this old skirt:
we expect that its twill
will absorb all the spill,
while its surface adsorbs all the dirt.
"
"these angels are fools rushing in
to dance on the head of a pin.
this celestial crowd
is too painfully loud,
but might stop if i quit drinking gin.
"
"this cannibal's canny; it might be
unwise to provoke him to fight me.
though his argument's spurious,
and he's making me furious,
i'm afraid to say ""eat me!"" or ""bite me!"".
"
"an amphibian out for a jog
stops to peer in a pond in a bog.
of the tadpoles who swim,
quite a few look like him.
he's been getting it on with a frog.
"
"unbearable bruins attack at us.
catamounts' catapults whack at us.
perilous partridges
fire live cartridges.
critters?who knew they'd shoot back at us?
"
"at canneries, tanneries, millers,
and granaries, whisky distillers,
and artisans' galleries,
earning large salaries:
affable serial killers.
"
"through the body, their message expands:
they're adrenals, bifunctional glands.
inflammation's prevented,
or panic's augmented,
by secretions that relay commands.
"
"with appreciable need to equip,
might your cargo be sent on a trip
overseas?  odds are greater
you'll need an affreighter,
who arranges to charter the ship.
"
"a cod with a very firm bod?
i assented accord with a nod,
thus confirming the cod,
though affirmance was odd,
since it screwed up my order for scrod.
"
"the ace that i'm facing serves aces
to all the unlikeliest places
near the edge of the court,
but my arms are so short
that my swing only hits empty spaces.
"
"my tennis achievement's unnerving:
each toss in the air's started curving;
flash my most winning smile?
that is hardly my style
when i miss by a mile while i'm serving.
"
"a fixable stamp, when it tears,
isn't broken beyond all repairs.
but when moistened and damp,
an affixable stamp
can attach when i'm quite unawares.
"
"since you strive to arrive just at five,
scratching hives with sharp knives while you drive,
you'll forgive me for giving
these odds on your living:
three-to-five to survive. sakes alive!
"
"all the stuff of our bodies keeps changing:
we're patterns for matter's arranging.
we're fountains, whose flow
disappears when we go.
so, we're dead when our bits stop exchanging.
"
"in the a.m., this coffee i hate,
since its flavor is clearly third-rate:
motor oil, with the taste
of industrial waste.
but it's great when i'm staying up late!
"
"on the range where the antelope play,
the nice trip i arranged went astray.
when i tripped, 'twas absurd.
my discouraging word:
""i'm in deer poop! oh, dear! what a day!""
"
"good analogies get to the core of
relations you're mostly unsure of,
since it's far less demanding
to gain understanding
when they're mapped to ideas you know more of.
"
"i can see that you care about meter,
and my rhymes could be just a bit neater,
but it looks like your plan
is to build a sedan
from my sporty old rag-top two-seater.
"
"do not splash in the water at all:
neither backstroke, nor sidestroke, nor crawl.
when the drink starts to stink,
and the fish all turn pink,
the appeal of the pool tends to pall.
"
"my peugeot will not go in the snow?
although i rock slow, to and fro.
in the snow, i'm a pro?
even so, i can't go,
so i know i'll need dough for a tow.
"
"your anatomy texts would construe
that your ""axis"" is vertebra two.
things called ""axoid"" pertain
to this bone, and remain
quite a pain in the neck to review!
"
"when a screwdriver fell for an awl,
there was clearly a point to his fall:
since the driver was driven
to screw?that's a given?
the driver was holey in thrall!
"
"the lymphocyte granules retaining
blue aniline dyes, we're explaining,
have a name that's arcane,
like the cells with that grain:
both are azurophilic in staining.
"
"a lobster had taken a crawful
of manners so perfectly awful:
like lunching with shellfish
so perfectly selfish
they clearly begrudged him each clawful.
"
"an axion's axiomatic:
hypothetical, we are emphatic.
its particle mass?
not worth a rat's ass!
and its charge and its spin? problematic.
"
"though your lips answer ""nay!""?a surprise?
when i stare at your beautiful eyes,
there are ""ayes,"" i surmise,
though disguised in the guise
of your threats to arrange my demise.
"
"the astounding events that we saw
were amazing and filled us with awe.
they were hard to conceive,
let alone to believe.
now go back there and pick up your jaw!
"
"before donning what's ruffly and frilly,
check for odors in both your axillae.
antiperspirant stick?
it just might do the trick,
because actually washing seems silly.
"
"""long time since i've seen you: a coon's age!""
much longer than that? i'd say loon's age.
(three years live raccoons;
ten times longer for loons.
for gazillions of years, it's a moon's age!)
"
"said the quarterback, ""losers sure hate it ?
learning footballs we used were deflated.
'using balls with less air
is unfair! ' fans declare.
but concluding i cheated? that grated.""
"
"he relinquished his spirit last night;
accepted demission despite
all the love that we gave him.
no effort could save him;
death knocked, and that ended his fight.
"
"daddy longlegger spiders were creeping
up the wall where my sister was sleeping.
i those pholcidae led
towards that spoiled brat's head
knowing soon she'd be shrieking and leaping.
"
"my son's ""epiphytic"", i'd say.
we support him, but just in one way.
he resides in our house
in his room, with pet mouse;
but for sex, drugs and food we don't pay.
"
"???(+1) + (+1) + (+1)
+ (+1) + (+1) + (+1)
+ (+1) + (+2)
+ (+1) + (+2)
+ (+1) + (+1) + (+1)
"
"the origin's clear, i can tell,
of that expletive phrase bleeding hell:
bleeding started as bloody;
but some fuddy-duddy
thought bloody too gory to yell.
"
"""mona lisa's strange smile,"" said my teacher,
""results from no brows, a key feature ?
that's davinci's disgrace!""
when i eyebrowed her face,
a wide grin took its place: happy creature!
"
"my finger-pointing lets me take aim
at whomever i think is to blame.
whatever the crisis,
ebola or isis,
it's x's fault (just insert name).
"
"he's the nastiest brat, that young nipper!
goes by jack; is his namesake the ripper?
he's a rat we should drown,
or else turn upside down
and feed ? insert into ? the chipper.
"
"wear a boot when about in a boat;
when you sail through a gale, wear a coat.
don't forget there's a threat
that you'll get soaking wet,
so it's best if you're dressed when afloat.
"
"'twas enough to get beethoven miffed,
that his whiskey, received as a gift,
tumbled, crashing, alas,
in crescendos of glass?
the finale of beethoven's fift'!
"
"should he munch on the man in his jaw?
an old lion was torn: he foresaw
he'd be thoroughly sated,
his hunger abated,
but the thorn would remain in his paw.
"
"any squirrel encountered while joggin'
could be hoardin', collectin', and hoggin'
oaken morsels; their size
rarely fails to surprise,
neatly crackin' the back of your noggin.
"
"when a church, with a lurch, did collapse
in a quake, on a snake taking naps,
as the altar was altered,
his fall, as he faltered,
left him trapped, as is apt, in the apse.
"
"a sailor, just in from a whaler,
on bail from a jail in a trailer,
assailed a poor tailor,
both frailer and paler,
and broke both his nose and inhaler.
"
"in my maps of the apse, it seems strange
that the vaults, by default, rearrange,
making space polyhedral:
a mobile cathedral,
whose altars can alter or change.
"
"when the squaw's hippopotamus hide
got too grungy to keep it inside,
she got indigo blue
from the anil she grew.
(once they're dead, they're not hard to have dyed.)
"
"your bearing is regal, that's true.
the height of pretention? that's you!
i neglected to mention,
don't stand at attention
disembarking a birch-bark canoe.
"
"your acetylcholine's proceeded
from one nerve to the next when you've needed
for your heart rate to slow
and your tear ducts to flow.
but be careful ? your toileting's speeded!
"
"auguration's the future's depiction
by creating a plausible fiction.
to avoid contradiction,
just hedge with conviction,
and people will pay for prediction.
"
"i am seeking the way i should go
by consulting the augurs i know.
though attaining some clarity,
there remains some disparity
between the i ching and tarot.
"
"ambiguous speech is unclear:
vague and artful, it tickles my ear.
this political word
lets me think that i've heard
just the message i've wanted to hear.
"
"amble closer; be sure you can hear:
nearer, friends, and approach without fear.
et tu, brute, he'd said,
as they'd stabbed, 'til he's dead.
romans, countrymen, lend me an ear.
"
"queasy stomachs are raising a question
(my gut feelings require a suggestion):
please advise what to take
for abdominal ache.
will a pandect relieve indigestion?
"
"a knitter annoyed by a knot
in a less-than-accessible spot
cannot wish it away:
we're suggesting crochet,
as it's quicker to fix what you've got.
"
"what's the good of a goat with a gut
getting utterly stuck in a rut?
she's a much better butter
abutting the gutter,
with neighboring shutters to butt.
"
"a lass with alacrity lacked
any semblance of manners or tact.
though unfailingly cheerful,
she'd give you an earful
and willingly risk being smacked.
"
"when terrence the terror was two,
there were terrible things that he'd do,
like attaching my tail
to a pot or a pail
that was filled with a quick-setting glue!
"
"we were lifted aloft with a lurch
by the lift at the left of the church.
lest we're left with no view,
we have purchased a pew,
after searching the church for a perch.
"
"on my skin, would your recent embrace
leave a slight unmistakeable trace
from the scents that arose
from your fingers and toes
and the brush of your lips on my face?
"
"'mongst the witches of oz, no one cares
who is out having sordid affairs;
but poor dorothy would flee
from a m?nage-?-ree
with lions and tigers and bears!
"
"when weatherman wally met holly,
and approached her in old mexicali,
his forecast of whether
they'd wind up together:
it's chili today, hot tamale.
"
"panoramas, encompassing all,
seen from aerial views, can enthral.
what could catch a bird's-eye
from its vantage on high?
to descry a fat fly-on-the-wall!
"
"at the point that one's blood is inspected,
and antigenemia's detected,
it's one symptom we see
of hepatitis type b,
and clear evidence someone's infected.
"
"if your energy's low, i would urge ya
pick up speed with a weed that will purge ya:
it will still fill the bill
in the shape of a pill
to cure anergy (also: anergia).
"
"if ever a fracture knit badly,
who'd suffer re-fracturing gladly?
how's bone anarrhexis
accomplished in texas?
by running you down with a bradley!
"
"the astronomers, as they assure us,
receive radio waves from arcturus.
large antennas in rows
tune in very old shows:
such as re-runs of novas that lure us.
"
"avirulent germs, in the main,
like vaccinia, cause little pain.
a pox virus of cattle
can prime you to battle
variola, a dangerous strain.
"
"god-gifted, the lady set course
through coventry, free from remorse.
but she heard on her ride?
as a whispered aside?
""what a beautiful lass on that horse.""
"
"adult is the stage of a fly
devoted to breeding. that's why
until life turns so fleeting,
larval flies pursue eating
to ensure enough fuel's in supply.
"
"the assailant was dismally dim
for assailing a knight on a whim;
yet the knight was disarming,
and thoroughly charming,
while assaying to hack off a limb.
"
"off alaska's southwesternmost tip,
the aleutians are shaped like a whip.
but don't take your vacation
near the old loran station
on attu. it's not worth the trip.
"
"when the love of her life took a wife,
she was striving to live without strife.
'twas in vain that she strove?
stuck her head in a stove,
which extinguished her anguished young life.
"
"pachydermal police on the beat
have no stealth, but remain kinda neat?
but beware above all
any apb call
(all-points bulletin) when underfeet!
"
"when the macrophage mobster named bob,
who has joined the immunocyte mob,
changes outline at will,
both to travel and kill,
he is quite the amoebiform blob.
"
"appropinquity wants definition.
nonetheless, that's a lofty ambition.
imprecision's my fear:
getting close, merely near,
hence my next-to-impossible mission.
"
"an arrhythmia's ever so neat,
being quite the auricular treat.
it's an improvisation?
a cool syncopation?
so exciting, your heart skips a beat!
"
"the arrogant elephant tends
to avoid ever making amends,
which can risk disaffection
and outright rejection
by all of his elephant friends.
"
"an appendage has lesser import
than a body, and thus is one sort
of appurtenance. things
such as legs, arms, and wings,
are components whose role is support.
"
"when your kitten is sittin' and knittin',
annoyed at the stitch she's omittin',
since the mitten ain't fittin',
and seems like it's splittin',
quit kiddin', or risk gettin' bitten!
"
"fleshy old fannie, the ass,
had a tail that was made out of brass:
she would bray, with a clang,
every day that she sang,
as she'd munch on her luncheon of grass.
"
"if elizabeth r. were albino,
i'd imagine her riding a rhino.
if ever her highness
became an albiness,
she'd look just like?well, elephino!
"
"the adrenal medullae secrete
epinephrine, which speeds up the beat
of your heart due to stresses,
and also suppresses
digestion, so flight will be fleet.
"
"an apotemnophiliac, blaine,
has an aim that's not totally sane:
he repeatedly begs
us to cut off his legs
so he'll have enough room on the plane.
"
"to assist me in writing this ditty,
my ""alters"" have formed a committee.
my multiple selves
are as helpful as elves,
and a few of us even are witty!
"
"your acetylcholine is sent
as a signal: ""digest and relent!""
but adrenaline-heightened
responses when frightened
give one's body the opposite bent.
"
"an accordion's where we have stored
all the tones we'd intended to hoard
'til we press on the keys,
give the bellows a squeeze,
and the notes all rush out in dis-cord.
"
"i cried on the day that you died,
and i shriveled a little inside.
though i'd wanted a puppy,
they got me a guppy.
i found you afloat on your side.
"
"an arab unable to grow
any crops in the desert should know
of his land's infertility
(poor arability)
and seek somewhere better to sow.
"
"an artist whose paintings were aimless
was shameless in claiming he's blameless.
when designs were maligned,
he asserted he's blind,
and, anonymous, still remains nameless.
"
"the anaplasmodastats battle
anaplasma (bacteria that'll
cause jaundice and fevers).
they're proven relievers
of tick-borne infections of cattle.
"
"every atom in this simulation
for dynamical visualization
was expensive when reckoned
for each nanosecond
of newtonian force computation.
"
"in the highlights' and shadows' creation,
each frame takes complex computation.
from the viewpoint that's faced,
every light ray is traced,
as computers assist animation.
"
"the surface of matter has bumps.
an atomic force microscope jumps
every time that its tip
probes a peak or a dip
in a series of atom-sized lumps.
"
"owls' ears are designed to perfection
for the subtlest rustle's detection,
as the shapes 'round their eyes,
asymmetric in size,
have evolved parabolic reflection.
"
"since you gave me a peck on the cheek,
the adhesive tape's on for a week,
holding layers of gauze,
which is simply because
you forgot you're a bird with a beak!
"
"an authorless rhyme, out to roam,
had once followed an authoress home.
it was hard to ignore,
so she opened her door;
now it lives in her dusty old tome.
"
"why do anti-sense rnas stick?
so their complements won't make us sick.
strings of bases designed to
tie up what they bind to,
which triggers defenses?a trick!
"
"the wisdom a yogi bestowed:
""if you come to a fork in the road,
you should take it,"" he said.
take an aspirin instead,
if you feel like your head might explode.
"
"when richard the pitcher was fatter,
his splitter the hitters would splatter.
once the score didn't matter,
those hitters would scatter,
since, bitter, he hit every batter!
"
"the ace who is facing the batter
throws a curveball that's gotten much flatter.
the reliever's relieved
since they haven't perceived
that his pitching is slower and fatter.
"
"if you're getting well down in your pile
of manure, you should seek a greek isle,
dropping in, when you're able,
to an augean stable
that hasn't been cleaned in a while.
"
"since a tainted election's a crime,
there is really no reason or rhyme
why the crooks we promote
when we line up to vote
can fool some of us all of the time.
"
"an annelid's hiding, affrighted,
insistently pulsing, excited,
seeking dark and moist places
to hide all its traces,
it tunnels, worm terrors ignited.
"
"the signals that neurons are sending
are channeled through axons extending
a distance away.
they're axonal, we'd say,
meaning ""proper to such a nerve ending"".
"
"a ""furrie,"" a lass named miranda,
threw a party upon her veranda.
on that allhallows night,
she was all black and white,
as she loves to dress up as a panda.
"
"political parties, it's clear,
ain't accustomed to funding austere.
if the budget won't budge,
they'll just give it a nudge?
printing currency's quite the career.
"
"the parietal lobes of our brains
can get lesions, a fact that explains
why perceptions are shoddy
in half of your body,
when amorphosynthesis reigns.
"
"on the back of a gimel, he rode.
through his door (or his daleth) he strode,
where a thief with a zayin
stabbed him right in the ayin,
so he died in his beth, his abode.
"
"when you're guilty of fashion abuse,
it reduces your chance to seduce:
if you're wearing chartreuse,
and you mix it with puce,
fashionistas appear with a noose.
"
"in old aquitaine, there was begun
a kingdom for charlemagne's son,
encompassing all
of the southwest of gaul.
he was frankish, and named louis one.
"
"she insistently whispers, excited;
her eyes are alight and delighted.
be she angel in flight
or a devil tonight,
blissful hell keeps her fire ignited.
"
"ankle-biter, wherever she goes,
has some snot running down from her nose;
and it's easy to leave
quite a lot on her sleeve
or her diaper, her toes, or her clothes.
"
"it's an annelid's source of concern:
every segment must ripple in turn,
since a move out of order
risks total disorder,
a lesson each worm needs to learn.
"
"a silly goat sometimes called ""billy""
was filled with desire for a filly,
but she called him ""wee willie,""
a name he thought silly,
asserting the weather's just chilly!
"
"if they're idle, it's simple to send 'em
an item to do, or agendum.
if they're quick to insist
they need more on their list,
then we plan to append an addendum.
"
"a leg amputee name of rollo
was a fanciful fellow to follow:
when they rolled out a keg,
he would take off his leg
and drink budweiser right from the hollow.
"
"a drunk who was drowning his sorrow
had requested some cash he could borrow,
and polite as can be,
bowed and thanked both of me,
and avouched he'd repay us tomorrow.
"
"there's an air that the swill's gotten stale;
take a whiff as you fill up your pail.
in the barn, near that trench,
there's a stall with a stench;
close your eyes.  hold your nose. don't inhale.
"
"though ambrose, who runs our symposia,
just tripped on a plate of ambrosia,
he's unable to feel
that he's fractured his heel,
as he suffers asomatognosia.
"
"audibility doesn't belong
to a word or a noise or a song:
it depends on the ear
lately straining to hear,
so the sense of this property's wrong.
"
"there's a notable captain i knew
on that authorship sailing from view.
i've a tale of travail
in harpooning a whale.
call me ishmael?""ishy"" will do.
"
"the barber who shaved me i bade
to use clippers instead of a blade.
he did bid me abide,
but the blood down one side
made me flee, being fearful' afraid.
"
"on a mountain, we camped out in tents
with our sense of assent for ascents.
we're intense in intent,
but incensed since this meant
that the scents in our tents were immense.
"
"from snowstorms we're shifting our focus.
rainy april's beginning to soak us.
our garden's the locus
of spring hocus-pocus:
the magical surge of the crocus.
"
"in a deli, i gave this a try:
i ordered ""egg salad awry.""
the waitress looked stricken,
then brought a live chicken.
""here. make it yourself!"" her reply.
"
"the melting of wintertime snows,
lifeless ground, hard and cold, would expose.
but from winter repose,
what arose was a rose,
making scents that arose to my nose.
"
"a spot on our lot is alight:
it's alit, but a trifle too bright.
it's been burning for days,
first aflame, then ablaze.
from afar you can see it at night.
"
"your attentions are less than adoring,
with intentions just focused on scoring.
though i trust that you must
someday love, not just lust,
in the meantime, your interest is boring.
"
"an omelette for breakfast is fixed
as a mixture between and betwixt.
blending milk, eggs, and cheese
with a deft expertise,
the result has components admixed.
"
"avogadro was counting his moles,
which are fur-balls with claws and these goals:
as they tunnel around,
avocados are found,
which the critters drag back to their holes.
"
"too much nitrogen, things go amiss.
liver arginase helps things like this:
as the substrate's depleted,
urea's excreted
(your kidneys release it in piss).
"
"a self-cleaving polymer might
run an autocatalysis right.
such a term would explain
that the polymer chain
folded into its own active site.
"
"assaultiveness means one's inclined
to aggressive attacks when maligned.
so if anyone bloodies
his pals and his buddies,
his offer of friendship's declined.
"
"a barrel of monkeys, it's said,
is such fun you could laugh off your head.
i was sure they'd be fine
in a barrel of wine,
but the cask was just opened.  they're dead.
"
"he's a bard from his birth, born and bred,
but his talent has gone to his head:
he's a minstrel, we hear,
fond of playing by ear.
'twould be better with fingers instead!
"
"i seem to be dreaming, asleep,
where a riverbank's seemingly steep.
though i've slipped in the stream
in the midst of my dream,
i awake in the midst of the deep.
"
"a belligerent babe, name of marian,
had a faith, so she said, non-sectarian.
""i believe in attacking,
and looting and sacking
religiously, being barbarian!""
"
"contraception's a skill to be mastered,
which the couple forgot, being plastered.
since they hadn't been married
the night that they tarried,
the outcome, though cute, was a baby.
"
"a weaver's residing, abiding
beneath an old minaret, hiding.
this tiny celeb's
deftly weaving her webs,
with her spidery spinnerets gliding.
"
"absent-minded and paying no heed,
dad was driving along at great speed,
till he died in a crash
with a dude in a nash.
did the dude die when dad did? indeed.
"
"with your limerick stresses askew,
what will samurai meter maid do?
with one swing of her blade,
that's a haiku she's made!
oh, but wait?there's one syllab- too few.
"
"the heart muscle doesn't require
the brain to instruct it to fire.
this automaticity?
utter simplicity:
it beats, never seeming to tire!
"
"my yoga class seeks to explain
how to ride on a spiritual plane.
but my real life intrudes,
soon disrupting my moods:
this plane's attitude's hard to maintain.
"
"in this contest of wits, i'll attest
to their courage and valor and zest:
they believe themselves charmed:
they dare fight?while disarmed!?
with the wickedest wit in the west.
"
"when the allergy season arrives,
do the bees ever break out in hives?
does a bee sneeze and wheeze,
due to pollen from trees?
no?it strives to survive, and it thrives!
"
"baked or grilled, i have always adored
cooking veggies too often ignored.
i'm preparing to nosh
on a nice acorn squash;
please don't tell me i'm out of my gourd.
"
"when the belle got the bill for the ball,
""this is bull!"" she exclaimed, ""damn it all!
magic slippers, my ass!
they were made out of glass?
slipped and busted my butt in the fall!""
"
"i got pestilence, fungus, and bruised,
then got poisoned, infected, abused,
tribulations, and fleas,
and then lastly disease,
but eleven-across? i'm confused.
"
"the righteous, a sinister crowd,
have control of what things are allowed.
watch our thoughts, we are taught,
as we ought, lest we're caught.
so we kneel and must hold our heads bowed.
"
"coordinate axes work fine
if you're plotting a curve or a line,
although axes with blades
seem more practical aids
when you're plotting a murder malign.
"
"an apple a day keeps the doc
from developing insulin shock:
hyperinsulinemia,
hypoglycemia,
hitting the floor like a rock.
"
"you'd have limited choices, we'd say,
with no compromise offered halfway:
you could choose all-or-none?
either zero or one?
but for double or nothing, we'd play.
"
"this barony's barren and sere,
and the baron's been boozing a year,
so his baroness cries,
with her sneaking surmise
that her barrenness drove him to beer.
"
"a weasel who paints at an easel
while artfully driving a diesel,
although it seems oafish,
runs over a blowfish.
""i love when they pop,"" goes the weasel.
"
"when ken dated barbie, they necked;
any further advance he'd reject.
she began to suspect,
and he was, when she checked,
anatomically most incorrect.
"
"all this stuff is the weirdest by far:
you can haggle for haggis or gar,
buy a rug for a lark,
or a two-headed shark,
since this open-air market's bizarre.
"
"an acid-tongued lady named sonya
made a meal of your basic begonia.
for the basic appeal
of a plain, basic meal,
she would wash it all down with ammonia.
"
"that quack chiropractor named jack?
lacking tact, he attracted attack.
he was sacked when he smacked
every back that he cracked,
which, in fact, left him taken aback.
"
"a toad seeking somewhere to sit
found a toadstool that seemed a good fit.
but such furniture's shoddy:
the large fruiting body
(basidiocarp) quickly split.
"
"you shop at a membership store
with astonishing bargains galore.
but you can't get just one:
you must buy by the ton
for your family of three-hundred-four.
"
"while you're wiping your asp, here's a tip:
just be certain your grasp doesn't slip;
there's a risk that you take
with a venomous snake,
so when clasping your asp, get a grip.
"
"the maiden whose suitor was neuter
replied that he simply won't suit her,
and refused to engage.
so, abused, in a rage,
he shot back that his aim's now to shoot her.
"
"my bazooka is aimed at your head:
in a trice, you're emphatically dead!
just one shot of my shell
will dispatch you to hell!
c'mon quit it, you're hogging the bed!
"
"on an ancestress, tresses distress
when excessively messy, i guess,
or bizarre shades of blue
in a hair-don't or ""do""
that expressly intends to impress.
"
"whensoever my hands start to shake,
my prescription is daunting to take.
though i don't have a kid,
there's a babyproof lid.
could it be someone's made a mistake?
"
"when the ribosome's codon display
shows a message requiring an ""a"",
what clicks right into place
in its ribosome space?
it's an alanyl-trna.
"
"a mimic of folate we know
causes cell replication to slow:
amethopt'rin-like drugs
kill off cancers and bugs,
but our blood cells and hair fail to grow.
"
"this wine-tasting party's too tame
for the godhead of oenophile fame,
'til it turned orgiastic;
a feast so fantastic
deserved dionysus's name.
"
"this wine-tasting party's a mess:
how drunk are the guests? i can't guess.
still, your old college pal
throws a mean bacchanal,
where nothing succeeds like excess.
"
"""who is rapping upon my front sill?""
asked the maiden who lived by the mill.
""prithee, open the door,
i sincerely implore,""
quoth the sailor named barnacle bill.
"
"a duchess named gracie (her grace)
had her portraiture placed in this space.
her complexion may clash
with the gracious moustache
that some ""artist"" will trace on her face.
"
"philosophical worms split in two?
either half's point-of-view might be true.
any narrow de-scission
could need tunnel-vision:
each annelidan's own worm's-eye view.
"
"where fools blithely rush on ahead,
dancing angels are fearing to tread.
all these fools crowding in
to the head of a pin?
that's the rush hour angels all dread.
"
"the naive are too quickly deceived
by a knave who should not be believed,
who by means of a ruse'll
contrive to bamboozle
(leave innocents duped and aggrieved).
"
"playing scrabble with grandfather frank
wasn't fun since, quite frankly, he stank!
""take a bath between sets?""
he agrees, but forgets,
absentmindedly drawing a blank.
"
"this segmented worm, as we've learned,
is an annelid, lowly and spurned.
if you cut off its head
to assure that it's dead,
you get two worms instead.  and they've turned!
"
"this shepherd dog rates off the chart;
it has energy, hustle, and heart.
the whole package adds up
to a fabulous pup.
an australian's protective and smart.
"
"""it's a science: how flowers can cluster,""
blared bellicose botanist buster.
""anthotaxy, in essence,
describes inflorescence!""
(declaimed with defiance and bluster.)
"
"the allophones, as you should know,
are quite similar phonemes, and so,
when you hear one ring-ring,
you just pick up the thing,
and you speak in the hand-set: ""allo?""
"
"""i believe that i owe an apology
for these apologues in my anthology.""
so said aesop the fabler.
(i hear he's now stabler
since his animals practice psychology.)
"
"when the choir was discordant and bored,
every chord in the score was ignored.
with its harmony wrong,
'twas a singular song,
since they couldn't agree on accord.
"
"in achieving results that you seek,
if your route of approach is oblique,
then your tactic to score
is considered backdoor.
and yourself? you're a bit of a sneak!
"
"here be limericks whose verse be diverse,
mostly bad, though a few be much worse.
such a poem opines
using only five lines:
i be grateful this verse be so terse.
"
"watch the whales of the wind lumber near,
so majestic and gray and austere.
such leviathans fly,
sweeping krill from the sky:
their baleens make balloons disappear!
"
"you've been barring a bear from her lair,
and discovered the bear doesn't scare.
now you're trapped underneath
a large mouthful of teeth.
but you're winning your bet!  do you care?
"
"baccalaurean knowledge ain't free,
so you paid for your college degree.
now your nametag says ""bob""
in your latest mcjob,
and the swing shift you work starts at 3:00.
"
"that linden tree standing apart
is a shade tree with leaves like a heart,
and its basswood is oft
light and fine-grained and soft,
good for milling and woodcrafter's art.
"
"a ballistospore shooting away
from a fungal basidium may
go three meters or more.
for a sexual spore,
that seems quite an impressive display.
"
"though the chick wrote a check for ground chuck,
seems her hound was profoundly in luck:
found a mound of ground round
for two-forty a pound,
just marked down to around just a buck.
"
"a plum, lying bare in the sun,
for a tan that she'd barely begun,
got a burn all too soon,
quickly turned to a prune,
and was stunned at the damage she'd done!
"
"an athenian youth might remark on
ambitious careers to embark on.
did that city-state resident
grow up to be president?
more likely, he ruled as an archon.
"
"that girl at the grill serving gruel
has the nastiest task at our school:
cooking food for a mob
is an arduous job.
but to claim that it's grueling? uncool.
"
"a moose running loose on a knoll
inadvertently stepped on a vole.
the wee beastie went splat?
it was trampled quite flat?
when it ventured afield of its hole.
"
"without thinking of what could betide,
we all piled aboard for the ride,
'til a horse threw a shoe
and the wheels went askew
and the bandwagon fell on its side.
"
"the distributive axiom's claim:
that ba plus bc is the same
as the sum, a plus c,
in its product with b.
(if that doesn't add up, what a shame!)
"
"every morning i wake up and say
that i'm feeling unlike me today.
but the self that i've missed
may not really exist:
recollection's gone sadly astray.
"
"the bunter, a good-natured batter,
had been teasing with meaningless chatter.
then the pitcher released,
and the bantering ceased,
as strike three split the heart of the platter.
"
"when the mirror above us first cracked,
all the demons of darkness attacked.
they've absorbed all the light
with an orb black as night,
leaving naught to reflect nor refract.
"
"at home, on the range where i cook,
there's an antelope stew. come and look!
these ingredients here?
why, i'm frying a deer,
with a recipe straight from this book.
"
"i assure you we'll make it ashore,
as this gangplank has surely held more
than the weight of us three.
you assuredly see
trampolining is just what it's for.
"
"a cat with a curious head
has assurance of winding up dead,
whereupon, in a minute,
it's simple to skin it:
there's more than one way, so it's said.
"
"a cat with a cryptical mien
licks her fur to assure that it's clean,
and she wipes her wet paws
past her ears just because
there are spots where a tongue cannot preen.
"
"an ox who was dating two quails
simply wanted a piece of their tails.
but their roles got reversed,
now he screams, ""it's accurst!
ox-tail soup? how abhorrent,"" he wails.
"
"an ox wearing socks in a box
caught a pox eating lox with a fox.
it sent shocks through the flocks
to see stocks of fine frocks
braced abox by an ox wearing socks.
"
"an ox who was feeling anoxic
had been shod with a glue too epoxic.
the fumes were so toxic
the smell made his doc sick.
they carried both out in a box sick.
"
"two hydrogen bonds are formed where?
in an adenine-thymidine pair.
yet a third bond we gain
in each guanidine plane
when a cytosine also lies there.
"
"small-town opera: we wanted to sing
a new aria writ for the king.
and then just as we'd sought,
the king's conscience was caught.
in this hamlet, the play's not the thing.
"
"i once had a lyre from nantucket.
to play it, one needed to pluck it.
it fell into ruin,
and so out-of-tune,
i thought it was better to chuck it.
"
"the musicians were sitting on high,
on parade on the fourth of july,
'til their drunken horse tripped
and the bandwagon flipped.
what a way for the music to die!
"
"since the pear will apparently squeal,
the apple's pre-paring to deal.
she'd been bruising a melon,
which makes her a felon,
unless she can win on a peel.
"
"on tv, these accounts of the war
are becoming a snap to ignore.
they seem sure that the gore
in the stories will bore,
so they're shorter than ever before.
"
"the attorney was suddenly flailing
when he slipped, lost his grip (broken railing).
none to sue or imprison?
the railing was hisn:
'twas the barrister's bannister failing!
"
"the baker's innumerate cousin
was mistaken more often than wasn':
'e would sell from the shelves
lowly batches of twelves,
versus thirteen (a round baker's dozen).
"
"an airman with warlike intent
went to war with a bellicose bent.
this belligerent flier
took enemy fire,
and returned more deceased than he went.
"
"my stove's gone de-ranged, acting strange,
so i need an appliance exchange.
'til my new one comes home
in a box, packed in foam,
i'm still ranging, arranging a range.
"
"the front of myself is ant-erior.
above me is clearly sup-erior.
my int- might come next,
while outside me is ext-.
so then why is my ""bottom"" post-erior?
"
"""picorna-type virus,"" typed cyrus,
when googling, as he was desirous
of info on mengo-.
his browser would then go,
""perchance, did you mean: porno-virus?""
"
"though we feared we'd be leaving him stranded,
the man with one arm was quite candid:
he refused to be swayed
by our offers of aid,
and he took on his task singlehanded.
"
"if austral means ""came from the south,""
and oral can mean ""word of mouth,""
and aural's ""an earful,""
and awful is ""fearful,""
no wonder i'm always in doubth!
"
"a blabbering bantering bandit,
who was rustling a cow, went to brand it.
but his plans had come out?
they'd been bandied about?
so the theft didn't go as he'd planned it.
"
"in its spot in the slot that we know,
we're delighted it's quite apropos.
though it wouldn't be apt
where it couldn't adapt,
were it not in the spot it should go.
"
"a badass (some donkey at school)
was in trouble for kicking a mule.
he behaved like an ass,
and was kept after class?
just some fool trying hard to be kewl.
"
"swarming angels so strangely appear,
always yelling ideas in my ear.
i'm in hell?that's enough!
now they're telling me stuff
that a fellow so rough shouldn't hear.
"
"young oliver's ailing: it sickens
his heart to be killing his chickens.
they persist in resisting
while oliver's twisting
their necks, which must hurt like the dickens.
"
"a pelican's purpose is mainly
to demonstrate, clearly and plainly,
that natural selection
affords no protection
'gainst getting a bird so ungainly.
"
"ewe remember to duck, won't you now,
when the chick with the ass has a cow?
so she grouses, of course,
and she crabs 'til she's horse:
it's a bear to console her, somehow.
"
"surprisingly wide is her maw:
that's achieved by unhinging her jaw.
i am growing quite fonda
my pet anaconda,
but my cat's disappeared?one small flaw!
"
"i am awed by amounts that i've owed
in acquiring my humble abode.
at the end of the road,
every debt could explode.
my retirement plans? down the commode.
"
"'neath athena's own owl, we would see?
near the hole in the bole of her tree?
tiny bones, here and there,
indigestible hair,
all disgorged in the pellet debris.
"
"baccivorous birds biting berries
could cheerfully choke chewing cherries,
but detest the idea
of ""cherry garcia"",
that deadly ice cream (ben and jerry's).
"
"old india once was its source,
so, of course, we set course there, perforce.
we traveled there afta
a baft or a bafta:
a cloth, woven cotton, wove coarse.
"
"when victims are sick with listeria,
and their sera are thick with bacteria,
the patients so stricken
are febrile and sicken,
and frequently suffer deliria.
"
"the professor who's proffering proof
has professed that these aren't a goof:
cutesy lines in his theorem
designed to endear him
to students who find him aloof.
"
"at the pet shop we endlessly wait,
buying food for our koi and her mate.
and they'll gorge 'til they're sated,
their hunger abated?
enough! let's just use them as bait.
"
"i awake every morning and say:
since my memories fade, day by day,
my reality's changed,
and my mind's rearranged.
did the self that i knew go away?
"
"when a lamb and a ram and a ewe
are instructed on what they should do,
they display no dismay:
they just ""baa"" and obey?
only rebel sheep dare to go ""moooo!""
"
"your tale of apocalypse seems
stuff of legends or horrible dreams?
first a world-ending fight,
then eternally night.
such apocryphal, mythical themes!
"
"your egret's ungainly and gawky;
her aigrette has turned white and chalky.
your birdie has died!
""not at all,"" i replied,
""she has merely moved on to milwaukee!""
"
"economics, as taught in our courses,
relies upon free-market forces:
with supply and demand,
some invisible hand
guides the trading of shares on the bourses.
"
"as each morning's aborning, i rise
with a yawn, brushing sleep from my eyes.
still abed, my mind lingers,
as dawn's rosy fingers
slip over my sill in reprise.
"
"a trout who'd been scouting about
for a route to get out of a drought
found a gully awash?
an arroyo, by gosh!?
so he followed his snout and got out.
"
"if a bee, busy buzzing a bed,
by a bb was beaned on his head,
and that beastie was seen
being bonked on his bean,
we'd believe the wee bugger was dead.
"
"he's the cat who would never demur
when the baby would pull on his fur;
he'd alight in her lap,
settle down for a nap,
close his eyes and contentedly purr.
"
"last night, a knight arrant, i warrant,
whose errant behavior's abhorrent,
had been arrantly rude,
and unspeakably crude,
as his epithets fell in a torrent.
"
"a bad time at bedtime's required
when toddlers behave like they're wired.
though we send them to bed,
they come downstairs instead,
and insist that they're simply not . . . (yawn!)
"
"as her sitter was sitting her, sauced,
little sister was tragically lost.
as she'd wanted to play,
cora wandered away.
keen ""alack,"" for a lass was the cost.
"
"as you've come to a fork in the road,
and your bones cannot handle the load,
snatch a snack from your sack,
slip your pack from your back,
and consider this spot your abode.
"
"she's an amorous amateur sleuth
who's discovered her lover's untruth.
now she's showing the door
to her cheating amour,
since he's lying, denying, uncouth.
"
"blue beryl, or aquamarine,
has a clarity, luster, and sheen.
so it seems somewhat duller
when merely a color:
light blue, with a smidgen of green.
"
"the hippos more recently romped
where the anthracotheres once stomped.
fossil studies have stated
the two are related,
but i doubt that i'll read them?i'm swamped.
"
"they couldn't get rid of the stink of
what that barkeep was mixing a drink of.
""greatest method, by far,
when i'm closing the bar;
has the nastiest smell i could think of.""
"
"my ex and i, after a fashion,
continue our amorous passion.
together forever?
too hard an endeavor!
but passion is totally smashin'!
"
"some criminals sent to the pillory
had maintained an illegal distillery,
or were sentenced for muggery,
thuggery, buggery,
stealing the guv'nor's artillery.
"
"could a horseman who's dreadful' unnerving
stay on course, straight ahead, and unswerving,
if he hadn't a head,
but wore pumpkins instead
(like that story by washington irving)?
"
"a skin with its surface laid bare
by removal of fur, without hair?
the term barehide is used,
though that might be confused
with a shortage of garments to wear.
"
"a man with the head of a bear
could go bear-headed any-old-where,
but a man-with-chapeau
would have no way to go
to a bareheaded (topless?) affair.
"
"a blessing upon thee, young squirt.
once barefoot and tan-cheek'd thou wert.
but as whittier wrote,
thou hast grown up to vote
for the man, and become a stuffed shirt.
"
"in the swamps, opportunity's greater
to encounter a large abnegator.
like a croc with a smile,
he prefers self-de-nile,
so he grins to his prey, ""see ya later!""
"
"the empress, a witch, had been fakin',
so the apples she'd poisoned were taken.
since that night, in her keep,
lies snow white, fast asleep,
far too deep for a kiss to awaken.
"
"a painter named vincent, we hear,
decided to cut off his ear.
and then, as they tell it,
decided to sell it
on ebay, on-line auctioneer.
"
"at your urging?your urgent behest?
i've bequeathed your requested bequest.
time will tell, i expect,
if my will, in effect,
works your will in the way you have guessed.
"
"when the hypnotist finished, we cheered,
and poor nancy quit dancing so weird.
we could tell at a glance
she'd come out of her trance
when the ants in her pants disappeared!
"
"it's a trial of our love and emotion
that attests to our faithful devotion:
i've been waiting all year
in my flat, over here,
while my bonnie lies over the ocean.
"
"""but it's beachwear!"" you claim as i stare?
""it's those bitsy bikinis you wear.
though you've covered your bits,
they give everyone fits:
you just barely avoid being bare!""
"
"cinderella, with fairy-tale flair,
had no time before midnight to spare,
so she fled the affair,
lost a shoe on the stair,
flagged a pumpkin, but hadn't the fare.
"
"in your dreams, you're urbane and a wit,
though in life, you're inane and a twit.
all your schemes are insane;
you're the bane of my brain,
and a pain in the place that i sit.
"
"your atlas is cervical one;
it occurs where your spine is begun.
things atlantal relate
to this bone?why we'd state
that anatomy's oceans of fun.
"
"it's so strange on the range: eerie things
sound so wrong in the songs that he sings.
it's so cloudy all day,
where the antelopes play,
and the bison eat buffalo wings.
"
"my adventure game went along fine
'til i got to a bridge with a sign
saying ""troll bridge. pay troll,""
when i hadn't the toll,
though my typing in ""xyzzy"" worked fine.
"
"while a serpent is scary enough,
as it's grown from unmagical stuff,
""there be worms,"" you insist,
claiming dragons exist,
heart aflutter in terror of puff.
"
"my neighbor, named ned, has a need:
it's to breed an arabian steed.
he aspires to that goal,
but for siring a foal,
won't his mare need arabian seed?
"
"the freedom of bachelorhood palls,
and the lure of your honeymoon calls,
so anigh to niag'ra,
too high on viagra,
you're driving too close to the falls.
"
"all the cocktails remind me of swill,
since the bartender's lacking in skill,
and the flavorful ale
that i favor is stale
at the neighborhood sports bar and grill.
"
"agrypnias (wanting for slumber)
on occasion my nighttimes encumber.
when it bugs me to wake,
there are drugs that i take:
agrypnotics too daunting to number.
"
"there's a cuttlefish hidden amid
all the ink of that cuttlefish squid:
atramentous and black,
it deters an attack:
you can't see where that cuttlefish hid.
"
"""oh, captain, it's fearful, this trip!
oh, my captain, how bad was our slip?""
""just a little while back,
ran aground near iraq;
now this weather may founder the ship.""
"
"the yogini sought balance and chose
a vinyasa designed in its flows,
so that lefty and righty
were equally mighty,
ambidextrously holding each pose.
"
"we're apportioning wealth so each heir
will receive her proportionate share.
as we oftentimes say,
""there's a will? there's a way,""
while we strive to arrive at what's fair.
"
"though bed head's a hairstyle display
in incredibly bad disarray,
what the hairs underwent
was the wearer's intent:
why it comes out the same every day.
"
"though genetics cannot be dismissed,
there are certainly those who insist
what you saw, heard, and knew
will affect what you do?
so environment still makes my list.
"
"in re of my pm 2 u,
pls send rsvp before 2.
not ok to po
#1 ceo.
need it asap, pdq.
"
"though researchers try hard, beyond doubt,
seeking knowledge (what cells are about),
what the simplest cell
knows exceedingly well,
biochemists have yet to find out.
"
"you were bigamous, wedding with two.
now polygamous, bedding a few.
you can't bear to deprive
any woman alive:
that's so generous?how big of you!
"
"seems an eagle?an egalitarian?
tried eschewing his diet of carrion.
but he learned, with dismay,
that an old bird of prey
finds it irksome to stay vegetarian.
"
"too obese, with digestive distress,
i obsessively eat to excess,
so the swelling and size
of my belly belies
my professions of diet success.
"
"you have mustered us out to support
futile thrusts at redoubts in that fort.
you're nonplussed that our sally
proved just a blind alley?
try trusting our scouting report!
"
"what's a fruit that's incredibly small,
nearly round in the shape of a ball,
whose definitive hue
is a dark shade of blue?
zounds! a blueberry's name says it all!
"
"my antenna-wire's glowing?seems dire.
that's my warning?it's st. elmo's fire.
see that storm off the stern?
if there's lightning, we'll burn,
and i'll drift out to sea on my pyre.
"
"empty nester, named hester from leicester,
liked when lester from chester possessed 'er.
methinks she protested
too much when he rested
abreast of her breast and caressed 'er.
"
"bought a house out in kalamazoo;
the ballooning home mortgage came due,
but that shadowy stranger,
the lone loan arranger,
took silver and never came through.
"
"here's a japanese soup that looked keen
in a cooking?gourmet?magazine.
but adzuki (a bean)
made the metal turn green
(i had bought the tureen sight unseen.)
"
"in the restaurant rush to get done,
when a guest is impatient to ""run,""
we are apt to serve beans
to consumers of greens,
like ralph nader, a ""party of one.""
"
"an anteater enters a bar.
from his nose to his toes, there's a scar,
and a black tire track
down the length of his back.
""so a volkswagen beetle's a car?!""
"
"in a typical mystery story,
some detective inspector wins glory
by explaining those clues
that were meant to confuse
how that corpse became bloodstained and gory.
"
"an anatomist said, ""notice bends
just beyond where the colon descends:
as i cut to dissect, i
see flexura recti,
and then the digestive tract ends.""
"
"errant thoughts that i ought to regain
from the twists and the bends of my brain
seem determined to flee,
to escape and win free,
too elusively quick to retain.
"
"chalcedony's luster and sheen,
in which jasper-red drops can be seen,
is the bloodstone we scope,
called a heliotrope:
flecks of blood in a sea of dark green.
"
"a birthstone, when first you dropped by;
a grindstone, your nose to apply;
a gravestone, no doubt,
when you're spirited out;
and some brimstone, for after you die.
"
"when the firebird of mythical fame
makes a fuel of herself, what a flame!
replication's no fun
in this species-of-one:
she's azygous?unpaired. what a shame.
"
"as you squat with your hands on the mat,
shift your weight to your palms; press them flat.
squeeze your arms 'tween your thighs
as your feet slightly rise.
hold bakasana balanced like that.
"
"why did valorous valerie's mother
eat one calorie after another?
it distressed val to know
god intended to grow
her a bothersome new baby brother!
"
"flaming arrows that arch from our craft
hit the boat that is floating abaft.
they're distressed to discern
that they're burning astern.
what a laugh as their crew gets the shaft!
"
"on fox, watching current events,
we hear claims that they're stradd'ling a fence,
with a balanced perspective
that's fair and objective?
which fairly defies common sense.
"
"on a pond with a stillness too deep,
drops a drop with a last arching leap;
briefly ripples with grace;
disappears with no trace:
mortal drop lost eternal in sleep.
"
"into nacreous nectar i slip,
slowly sliding each satisfied sip.
as i greedily taste,
not a drop goes to waste.
curs-ed flytrap, sweet agony's trip.
"
"here's your baddha konasana guide:
sit up straight, with one leg to each side
in this bound-angle pose,
where you're holding your toes,
with your soles pressed together, knees wide.
"
"you selected your pectinous snack
from preserves that were served on a rack.
your allergic attack
left us taken aback:
now your casket's black raspberry black.
"
"epidermal cells, healthy, abide
in a layer attached side-by-side.
after keratinolysis
yields acantholysis,
gaps between cells become wide.
"
"when a daemoness recently chose
to bedevil your rest and repose,
was your bedchamber guest
really trying her best
as a succubus sucking your toes?
"
"the tailor was busily sitting
and sewing, his task unremitting,
since he'd offered his troth
as a man of the cloth
that his suitable suits were befitting.
"
"sitting blithely in sun for a bit,
she got blistered and burned where she'd sit.
""begone, blasted blister,""
insisted my sister,
but blithering helped not a whit.
"
"when a black-hearted blackguard named jack
found a bedbug had bitten his back,
as the bug wasn't budgin',
he reached for his bludgeon?
an impractical tactical tack.
"
"my damned barber!  i'd swear that it's true:
they'll be listing his name in who's who
as the stylist from hell.
he's so bad, he'll do well
when he's giving the devil his ""do"".
"
"night oarsmen in water. a strand.
ashore, ten, i'm warranting, stand.
here, they have no old rope,
or they'd leave her no hope:
their anagram's written on sand.
"
"acts of god, we most fervently pray,
won't befall any people today.
so, dear god, if you're there,
and you're hearing my prayer,
would you mind simply staying away?
"
"say a prayer for that poor bird of prey,
who must snatch a fresh mouse every day;
shed a tear for the vole,
who stepped out of his hole,
and then found himself flying away.
"
"little 'gators, i've heard the report,
have been making their way into court:
not contented to romp
in their neighborhood swamp,
they are arguing cases for sport!
"
"mine's the bench he'd a penchant to find
in the dim of his criminal mind.
not a brain, he'd maintain
that my dog and my cane
furnished proof that my justice was blind.
"
"this abstraction's conceptu'lly neat:
every tock of the clock is discrete,
so the universe stops,
while each particle hops
between instants that simply can't meet.
"
"as each wild conjecture is tamed,
every bit of the credit is claimed;
bitter rivals are shamed;
the discovery's named;
and the follow-up questions are framed.
"
"since a bandsaw had severed his hand,
the guitarist was banned by his band.
he's most certainly hurtin':
his bandage is spurtin',
and the gig would have paid fifty grand.
"
"harmonica music is poky,
and polkas are painfully hokey;
the experts like smoking
in bars as they're choking
out bars of the best karaoke.
"
"in the jungle, where once i was young,
learned from swindlers i hung out among.
heard that over in eden,
some apple tree's needin'
a swinger like me, with forked tongue.
"
"the musician's symphonic ambition:
fill a full-philharmonic position;
but with wilting derision,
the maestro's decision
refused him audition permission.
"
"how destiny's darlings must hate her!
she deserts them all, sooner or later.
has your finger of fate
gotten fickle of late?
an appropriate trait for a traitor.
"
"though the slates on the ballots are set,
campaign deficits haven't been met.
can they honestly say
they can honestly pay
for those candidates mired in debt?
"
"to divine which designs are divine,
note the driver who fractured her spine:
it seems apt but bizarre
that her left-turning car
struck the base of the no-left-turn sign.
"
"our beaver, with nary a quaver,
chewed branches?whatever we gave 'er.
though a fir tasted fine,
she preferred a nice pine;
she would savor her favorite flavor.
"
"when this trainer of tigers found fame,
every newspaper echoed his name
as reporters on deadline
repeated the headline,
""claude clawed,"" every banner the same.
"
"distributing rashes and wheezes
is angie, the girlfriend who pleases.
we dub ""angiitis""
the symptoms that blight us,
a mixture of social diseases.
"
"such a skeletal tree in the dark,
where it's windy and barren and stark.
was it blind when it chose
that expanse where it grows,
in the arctic, instead of a park?
"
"a birdie who chattered too brightly
had been spied in her nightie near nightly.
her admirers soon flew
(too revealing a view!),
as her plumage was mighty unsightly.
"
"there's a wind blowing; just avoid scandals.
watch the weathermen out wearing sandals.
modern angst, then we're dead.
as bob zimmerman said:
all the vandals have taken the handles.
"
"harmonious music is poky,
compared to a polka that's hokey.
accordantly, braying
accordion playing
accompanies bad karaoke.
"
"for shirley, who's surely, for sure,
quite the spendthrift, resigned to be poor,
it's too early to save;
she'll behave in her grave,
when she surely won't spend anymore.
"
"in the backbending pose called the wheel,
put your weight on your hands and each heel.
then your belly and thighs
lift and gracefully rise
to an arch with aesthetic appeal.
"
"biochemistry studies have tracked
biomolecules, matter of fact:
how they're made and degrade
in each cell is portrayed,
and the pathways by which they react.
"
"it's the pose of the pooch, downward pup.
adho mukha svanasana? yup.
hands and feet can be found
pressing flat on the ground,
while your bottom is sticking straight up.
"
"why so narrow a barrow provide
for to bury old jerry, who died?
we have found that his mound
is too teensy around
for a corpse so astoundingly wide.
"
"your bandwagon gathers recruits,
like a haywagon's harvest pursuits.
you're collecting not grasses,
but support from the masses,
making hay at the local grass roots.
"
"how much time 'til we notice we're choking?
there are changes pollution's provoking.
near each of the poles,
why, the ozone has holes,
and amphibians seem to be croaking!
"
"devoutly, she worships at night,
in religious pursuit of  delight,
as a lover so lithesome,
gone coupling, blithesome,
the consummate lighthearted spright.
"
"when the fish-lord is seated awry,
with his right foot outside his left thigh,
he twists rightwards: we see
his left arm clears his knee,
while his knee's pointing up towards the sky.
"
"dark wizards were recently sighted,
in masks and in costumes bedighted,
gone witching, no doubt?
halloween, they come out?
though their victims seem oddly delighted.
"
"a sea bird so awkward could plainly
be characterized as ungainly.
it's fact that a pelican's
lacking in elegance,
galumphing about so inanely.
"
"how the hell can a pelican fill
all that space that he finds in his bill?
gobbling fish by the bucket,
does he ever say, ""forget it,
i'm just tired and too over-the-hill?""
"
"an aleph has little to say
to a cheerleader's gimme an ""a,""
since as best i recall,
it makes no sound at all,
which is apt when we silently pray.
"
"in her sac, could a pelican seek
for to stack enough snacks for a week,
sticking herring or mullet
afore of her gullet,
and anchovies back of her beak?
"
"""in this bog be th' biggest o' bugs,""
says the beggar, who bags 'em and shrugs,
""i'll be baggin' a few
for to stick in me stew.
they're just bound to be better'n slugs!""
"
"you're reluctant to put on a visor
while running a blood analyzer?
should it rise in a geyser
and splash in your eyes or
your mouth, you'll be redder, but wiser!
"
"their appointment by angels' selection
uses ointment as proof of election.
warm oil slowly spreads
as it drips down their heads:
it's anointment's divine imperfection.
"
"the acoelomates in the museum
have no coelums to see when you see 'em.
mesodermal formation
without cavitation
yields a flatworm sans peritoneum.
"
"affrontiveness takes me aback,
and i tried to respond with a whack.
but i hadn't much luck
as i'm only a duck:
i could only respond with a quack.
"
"as a bird in the hand leaves a mess,
don't count up your chickens?just guess.
absent hearts may grow fonder;
grass grows greener down yonder.
every dog has his day, more or less.
"
"though you know things adorned with a bow
may be gifts that i plan to bestow,
it's a rule that's untrue
when applied to my shoe.
child of mine, you have got to let go.
"
"when allotting a database slot
to a lim'rick concerning alot,
you might find it absurd
that it's not a real word?
at least, not in the reference you've got.
"
"tiny hearts deftly dotted each ""i""
in the note that she wrote to her guy.
but it came as a shock
that it started, ""cher jacques,""
for the beau who received it was cy.
"
"acanthobdellidean leeches
try attaching to fish so that each is
near a fin's blood supply
as its host wanders by
near the beaches of northernmost reaches.
"
"not a twitch of a sinew nor hair,
when she's stalking a fly through the air.
is it aptly ironic
my cat's cat-a-tonic,
with her fixed and unwavering stare?
"
"ideally when stealing a kiss
from a miss, she'll find nothing amiss.
is there passion? a trace.
then a longer embrace.
i could dally for days, just like this.
"
"we dozed in idyllic surrounds
in these eden-like wilderness bounds,
'til an angel said, ""hark!
hie thee out of this park!
we'll be drilling for oil in these grounds.""
"
"were it not for its fear of the light,
the old black-crested night heron might
wade the marshes at will,
long of leg, neck, and bill,
nasty-tempered, and picking a fight.
"
"this coal miner's lung's out of whack:
from anthracite dust, it's turned black.
the doc's diagnosis?
""it's called anthracosis;
that's making him wheeze, cough, and hack.""
"
"he had blood from the blade of his foe,
from the top of his head to his toe.
he was bleeding, and red
from the buckets he bled,
but his cutlass struck nary a blow.
"
"my most baneful and poisonous glare,
and my baleful and threatening stare
are reserved for the guys
telling scandalous lies
while asserting they're balanced and fair.
"
"though the costs have become astronomical
in our ufo's lab (anatomical),
we continue selecting,
collecting, dissecting
earth creatures whose features seem comical.
"
"the bare-necked umbrella bird's crest
has a shape like a?wait, oh, you've guessed.
this black tropical bird
has a name that's absurd,
and a wattle in front of its breast.
"
"assuredly, girls don't make passes
at soldiers in birth control glasses.
such an ugly supply where
they go to get eyewear:
those thick plastic frames for the masses.
"
"it doesn't make angie ecstatic
to find that she's angiectatic.
that's a vessel's dilation
in blood circulation,
or could characterize a lymphatic.
"
"when catching your plane's what you've planned,
allow time for long lines where you'll stand:
first the ticketing queue,
then security, too,
and retrieving your bags once you land.
"
"a bright salamandra named newt
discontinued his mating pursuit
to get sun on a lily.
(the water was chilly.)
'twas silly, not really astute.
"
"if you're stuck at the lake and you're wishin'
that you'd taken another car fishin',
you could tow your old dodge
to the nearest garage
for a new automatic transmission.
"
"this bandwagon gathering steam
is a popular candidate's dream,
though unlikely to last
once they've dug up his past
with that under age cheerleading team.
"
"adolf hitler condemned every jew
to the horrors of auschwitz...it's true;
there, the problem, alas,
was resolved using gas.
now a moment of silence is due.
"
"make two molecules stick? build a snare!
it's a trick biochemists can share,
linking each of the two
to molecular glue:
half a biotin/avidin pair.
"
"a carrion-eater, in essence,
is a creature of great acquiescence
who will gladly concur,
without any demur,
to an offer of rotting putrescence.
"
"my appendix, a worm-like projection
with no function, yet prone to infection,
was attached to my colon.
now ugly and swollen,
it's the pride of my surgeon's collection.
"
"it's becoming a source of frustration
that your share is the larger proration.
i'm aware that it's tough
to divide up our stuff,
but that's hardly a fair allocation!
"
"paying cash on the barrelhead, darryl
bought the enterprise?lock, stock, and barrel.
now he's barely begun
having barrels of fun,
selling barrels of darryl's apparel.
"
"mr. peanut lived next to a mouse,
and the prejudiced rodent would grouse.
""damned neighbor,"" he'd mutter,
""i'm a peanut-abutter,
so i'm leaving and selling my house.""
"
"their barrage blew our army asunder
yet again?gave us reason to wonder:
is our colonel too dim
to be following him?
each attack seems a tactical blunder.
"
"shooting fish in a barrel's a snap,
you could give them both barrels, mayhap.
when some grouper named darryl
took his turn in the barrel,
he was over a barrel (""oh, crap!"").
"
"there's a beekeeper keeping his hive
on a route that i've needed to drive.
down that street, straight and tree-lined,
i've rapidly beelined,
as fast as my car can contrive.
"
"it's a tale metaphorically hoary,
all bewhiskered, and well past its glory.
it's a parable able
to conjure a fable,
some old allegorical story.
"
"that camel's a lawyer who meant
his intentions to mis-represent.
so lately, not leastly,
said beastie's been beastly
in sticking his nose within tent.
"
"though diseases are clearly the reason
that you're sneezin' and wheezin' this season,
at below three degrees,
you're in snow to your knees
in your sheerest chemise, so you're freezin'.
"
"as the baggage spins 'round, i can't tell:
have i come to the wrong carousel?
i inspect all the tags,
but i can't find my bags:
mine were lost by the airline from hell.
"
"an astronomer?star-gazing feller?
fit his telescope with a propeller
so the starlight and such
wouldn't twinkle as much.
(what he knew about air wasn't stellar.)
"
"courtly bailiffs escort you to jail,
for your failure at raising your bail,
where your jailors from hell
let you bail from your cell
once a day, just to empty your pail.
"
"what exists, had insisted the mystic,
is not nearly so clear and simplistic.
well beyond, i believe,
what we see and perceive
is a beingness more realistic.
"
"as these lessons of old are unfoldin',
learn from trojans, who thought they were golden:
when accepting antiques,
don't take gifts bearing greeks,
and beware of to whom you're beholden.
"
"biophysics experiment seeks
to help hard-core biology geeks?
in a useful alliance
'twixt branches of science?
using powerful physics techniques.
"
"wearing ribbons in shimmering bows,
she bedazzles wherever she goes,
they're her joy and her pride,
but they won't come untied,
so her sparkling collection just grows.
"
"the change in your vision's dramatic
when your cornea's curve is erratic.
in the image transferred,
part is sharp, part is blurred,
once your vision's become astigmatic.
"
"that canary just barely began
stealing cans from a cannery's van.
in a can, she can ferry
her berries and cherry
as cheap as a cannery can.
"
"i'd have thought that the prospects were bleak
to complete such a task in a week:
in the beginning was night,
until ""let there be light!""
showed your awesome creative technique.
"
"why be wary and chary of lairs?
you might happen to nap, unawares.
so beware, as you should,
as you wend through the wood,
lest you end up the supper of bears.
"
"you are not astigmatic, recall,
if your cornea's curved like a ball;
but your sight is absurd?
partly sharp, partly blurred?
if its shape's ellipsoidal at all.
"
"if your brains are no better 'n mutton,
and you don't want no trouble or nuttin',
since your head might corrode,
and your eyeballs explode,
stay away from that arctangent button!!!
"
"a young lady named barbie, who knows
how to stand for long hours on her toes,
cannot bend at the knees,
but gets into, with ease,
an astounding collection of clothes.
"
"that chemistry student's ignoring
this sodium borate i'm pouring.
it has got lots of boron,
and only a moron
would claim that this borax is boring.
"
"to access the only commode,
we were queueing, about to explode.
then disheartening news:
there was %#@& on our shoes,
as the plumbing had just overflowed!
"
"being armorless made us quite mad,
since the planning for battle's been bad.
so, we're stuck in this spot
with the leaders we've got,
not the leaders we wished that we had.
"
"if you're fishing for bass, and you stand
with your back to the sea, facing land,
casting lines o'er your head,
you'll catch squirrels instead.
such techniques are too ackwardly planned.
"
"when the river around it goes dry,
an anamniote egg goes awry.
in a frog or a trout,
first the egg would dry out,
then the embryo in it would die.
"
"near the gate of a naturist park,
a nude-trino bounced off of a quark
that belonged to a boson
without any clothes on:
the contrast in masses was stark.
"
"an average-ish guy from the dorm
has been playing in moderate form.
so, at jokes or at poker,
he's just mediocre.
seems fair that his first name is norm.
"
"though i'd count this a bounteous feast,
what you're serving's unnerving, at least.
to be perfectly frank,
i'd prefer if this flank
came from beasts that, at least, were deceased.
"
"while i'm playing a wind to unwind,
there are too many airs intertwined.
when the tunes are combined,
the result's undefined?
so my music is often maligned.
"
"are you staunch when the stench is severe?
your adulthood is finally here
when the bowl overflows?
stink's assaulting your nose?
and the problem won't just disappear.
"
"that serpent seems useless to me:
he's bootless and footless and free.
such a snake in the grass
couldn't find his own knee
with one hand tied behind?oh, i see.
"
"my cat is a curious beast,
as she naps twenty hours, at least,
tightly curled in a ball
in her spot down the hall,
just arousing in time for her feast.
"
"our antenna's completely unable
to provide us a signal that's stable.
now we fervently wish
to connect to our dish,
so we're coaxing coaxial cable.
"
"abjectness: the state or condition
of impov'rishment, by definition,
said of miserable folk
so pathetically broke
they've no hope to improve their position.
"
"the augmented seventh's a chord
that the organist plays when he's bored.
he is leading, i've heard,
in the top of the third.
(that's a win for the winds, as it's scored.)
"
"my traffic maneuver was brash,
and was over in only a flash:
what i bashed turned to trash
in the crash of my nash;
now my rashness will cost me my cash!
"
"through the valleys where death is abiding,
six hundred brave horsemen are riding
for half a league, on.
one mistake, and they're gone.
from the volleys of cannons, no hiding.
"
"there's nothing that makes an asp madder
than making it swing from a ladder,
doing intricate sums,
but without any thumbs,
though it's jake if your snake is an adder.
"
"i'd surmised secret agents were daunting,
'til i'd spied what that agent was flaunting:
when he'd not fit the bill
for a license to kill,
they just gave him permission for taunting.
"
"they might drop, being fitting and proper,
in your handy industrial hopper:
these blue vitriol dyes,
used in poison supplies,
are all hydrated sulfates of copper.
"
"since the blacksnakes, or rat snakes, extend
up to six slith'ry feet end-to-end,
might a snake, half-awake,
greet its tail by mistake,
and become its own very best friend?
"
"took a partner, a mule name of sal,
for the old aliment'ry canal,
'til i noticed her barge
was excessively large
to traverse through its nether locale.
"
"after months @ this website, right here,
i'm distressed to be channeling lear.
no shakespearean kings,
but more sinister things:
'tis the spirit of edward i fear.
"
"a tortoise was courting disgrace:
he was driving his car in a race;
but as fast as he'd go,
he was last, being slow,
never keeping his race car apace.
"
"use this recipe, no doubt about 'er,
when you're fixing to mix up black powder:
add sulfur, saltpeter
to charcoal and beat 'er
to make all your muskets much louder.
"
"what's a blackfish? three stories unfold:
it's a pilot (or black) whale, i'm told;
it's a post-spawning salmon
you might chance to examine;
or a food-fish that lives in the cold.
"
"biosystematics suggest
how each creature relates to the rest.
biochemical data
yield tree-like schemata,
with taxonomic relations assessed.
"
"dialectical views you could coax
from those two argumentative blokes?
not the term to betoken
two dialects spoken
by bidialectalist folks.
"
"in bordage, a system that's feudal,
the lord owns the kit and caboodle.
if you served as a bordar
(the lowliest order)
that wouldn't be using your noodle.
"
"when bombing a fish is our mission,
we are faced with a crucial decision:
should materials fissile
be filling our missile,
preparing for nuclear fishin'?
"
"to hollow a hole in a hill
for a burrow, a burro named bill
has to borrow a barrow
that's horribly narrow:
he's afeared of a hell of a spill!
"
"as the partridge was calling ""bobwhite,""
with a cartridge, i shot it in flight.
so the quail spiraled down,
whitish markings on brown?
tastes like chicken, i'm reckoning. right?
"
"'round the spore of a moss often dwells
several well-defined capsular shells:
amphithecia are grown
in the outermost zone
of each spore, formed of capsular cells.
"
"an able young baker named charlie,
who delivered his cakes on a harley,
had the flour he'd buy
laced with whiskey and rye,
as the taste of his barley was gnarly.
"
"now the bear will repair to her lair:
she'll be bearing twin babies in there.
she'll prepare for the morn
that her cubs will be born,
when the bear gets an heir and a spare.
"
"""my game bird is gamy,"" i railed?
""your recipe clearly has failed.
this bobwhite's the worst:
just try plucking it first!""
and the kitchen staff visibly quailed.
"
"our boisterous boy's out of hand?
way too noisy. we can't understand
why he's running amok.
was it simply bad luck
he's not calm, like the child that we'd planned?
"
"the king of the merpeople's daughter
had fought in a murderous slaughter.
in the midst of the battle,
we'd heard her death rattle:
she'd been caught, like a fish out of water.
"
"anna's ""grammatical mania,""
so fanatical, likely would pain ya.
her assertion's emphatical:
""i'm anagrammatical!""
(did the anagram here entertain ya?)
"
"when you talk to a bird, it's preferred?
though absurd?if it's heard every word.
auks can't hear what you say
when you're facing away.
so go awkwardly forth, undeterred.
"
"the satyr had wandered, oblivious
that the pathway he traveled was bivious,
as he seemed not to know
there were two ways to go
in pursuit of his int'rests lascivious.
"
"araguaia, where boating has flaws,
is a river that's named for macaws.
these are birds called arara
near araraquara,
a city whose name gives us pause.
"
"axing awe, avoid auks' attestations
around aqueducts and ambulations.
alliteration akin,
ain't ahorseback, agrin,
after aeons' admired acclimations.
"
"the bass is a mighty fine fish?
as a dish, it is really delish?
or a musical sound
that's the lowest around,
or the tastiest ale you could wish!
"
"an adventurous mann, wilhelm reich,
asked his liebchen what orgones she'd like.
so in feathers and leather,
they're writing together
a treatise on abnormal psych.
"
"we take turns in a strict alternation,
choosing sides for a baseball rotation.
picking teams in this way,
we avoid a melee
(yet another base-brawl altercation).
"
"if you bow near the bow  of a boat,
wearing bows on your toes and your throat,
and you happen to fall,
please be sure you recall
how to swim (or at least how to float).
"
"a bard with a beard was too brave,
since the barber who gave him a shave
used an axe.  now i hear
he is lacking an ear,
and i fear his condition is grave.
"
"it would sure be a shame to awaken
and discover my name had been taken.
if my friends didn't see
it was not really me,
they could leave me alone and forsaken.
"
"though your footsteps in sand disappear,
have no fear there's no sign you've been here:
alkyl halides may stay
many years sans decay,
not to mention the cans from your beer.
"
"as you're heating the water, it's roiling,
then its surface is churning and moiling
(though apparently not
if you're watching that pot)
'til its vaporized bubbles are boiling.
"
"my pet is a jet-colored boa:
most affectionate snake that i know-a.
i am naming her beth.
she could hug me to death,
though she's currently nibbling my toe-a.
"
"beware of that boa named vickie:
that constrictor's predictably tricky.
if invited to hug,
just decline, with a shrug,
'cause her inside's par-tickerly icky.
"
"when the leaves, late of autumn, have left,
it may leave us forlorn and bereft.
an autumnal brown heap
nestles deeply in sleep
'neath a blanket of whitening weft.
"
"an acicular, needle-shaped knife
soon resolves all the strife in her life;
with a stab and a twist
of her delicate wrist,
she's a widow, no longer a wife.
"
"i abhor your becoming  a boar:
being piggish, you always want more.
you have gotten quite big
since you eat like a pig,
and your dinner's an arduous chore.
"
"accusable folks can be blamed
for behaviors they should be ashamed
to admit, such as crimes
in their meters or rhymes.
like san andreas, their faults should be named.
"
"avariciousness: coveting stuff.
but unreachable goals are too tough:
though you've too much to spend,
seems your greed has no end:
what you own is just never enough.
"
"when i wrote recommending my friend,
'twas a note i'd intended to send,
but it's boringly dull,
so i surely should mull
over whether to send what i've penned.
"
"once that bouser and noted carouser
drinks much more than her system allows her,
we'll be needing a hoist
(throw some rope o'er that joist)
and a block and some tackle to bouse her.
"
"when that mermaid was dating a bounder,
the mistreatment would always astound her,
but, aware that it's bad
to be dating a cad,
she has fallen, instead, for a flounder.
"
"that boutefeu is fired up and delighted
at the riot he's lately incited,
because fanning the flame
is the name of his game,
where the passions of crowds are ignited.
"
"in baja, a landscape that's stark,
grows a succulent worth a remark:
it's described as a tree,
and yet, how could that be
when a boojum's a kind of a snark?
"
"how much stuff is enough in a book
(its extent when we venture to look)?
it's amazing how much
information and such
makes a bookful, by hook or by crook.
"
"in my sitting room's sitting a cube
that encloses a cathode-ray tube.
wondrous pictures appear,
but the sounds that i hear
include messages meant for a boob.
"
"when you purchase a 'zine, you should brace
as reply cards come tumbling apace.
and they'd surely confuse?
there's too many to use
as a bookmark for holding your place.
"
"your mom the alpaca's a nut,
always wiggling her wooly old butt.
and she's smutty enough
when she's strutting her stuff,
since yo' mama the llama's a slut.
"
"a beetle has six legs in all,
quite enough for a critter that small.
but i'd think it was great
if their legs totaled eight,
just like john, george, and ringo, and paul.
"
"as he sat for his statue in bronze,
the old buddhist discussed pros and cons
of the life of a priest.
""every day, there's a feast?
but the food isn't good,"" sighed the bonze.
"
"this bondieuserie passing for art
is impelling the smart to depart:
viewing walls of this chapel
so crawling with crap'll
cause crapulent feelings to start.
"
"one hallowmass evening, my eighth,
i was weaving a wreath for a wraith,
but the wraith wouldn't take
such a bona fide fake,
though i'd woven the wreath in good faith.
"
"a graveyard's a place it's expected
that one's ancestors' bones are protected.
saying boneyard instead
would affect who is dead:
that's where animals' bones are collected.
"
"whether bonchief or mischief befalls you,
so your fortune appeals or appalls you,
it seems clear that your fate's
to appear at those gates,
irrespective, when destiny calls you.
"
"i would bet on our getting bogged down
in that bog that's a slog out of town.
with our luck, we'll get stuck,
in the mire and the muck,
and (it boggles the mind) we could drown.
"
"their most brazen, egregious hype
would be printed in boldface, a type
where the letters are fatter,
to suggest that the matter
wasn't bold-faced and impudent tripe.
"
"i'd been trimming these trees every day?
tiny bonsai that fit in a tray.
yelling ""ten thousand years!""
i'd attack with my shears,
til i'd trimmed them completely away.
"
"a bordel (a worthless young fellow)
was attending the local bordello
(that's a house nearly brimmin'
with young bordel women),
and by spending on bordel stayed mellow.
"
"the starfishes don't seem convivial,
so their parties are boring and trivial;
but when two of them meet,
they can wave their tube feet
in a two-legged greeting that's bivial.
"
"though you're weightless and moving with grace,
you'll asphyxiate here, out in space.
is your very best pal
a computer named hal?
you could die here and leave not a trace!
"
"i'm becoming remarkably facile
at storming and looting a castle.
i've started to fight
an arabian knight,
and his scimitar's hardly a hassle.
"
"i glanced at my pail on a hunch.
an audacious black bird had my lunch.
from the cavernous pail
came a ravenous wail:
""need-some-more,"" quoth the raven, ""munch, munch.""
"
"a toad found some clothes, which he donned,
near a frog swimming nude in a pond.
now the frog's wearing less
and he has no redress
since the thief with his clothes did abscond.
"
"a fence or a border or bound
can be said to contain or surround.
it might stop an escape,
or, like bright yellow tape,
limit crime scenes where bodies were found.
"
"a girl with ambivalent goals
loves to follow white rabbits down holes.
if she grows very small,
could she shrink very tall,
eating cake, drinking tea, switching roles?
"
"when offspring are gonna be sired,
both female and male are required.
with just one or the other,
there's no father nor mother.
needing both: how our species is wired.
"
"alumnuses, don't overrate 'em.
and genii, don't you just hate 'em?
need your vacua clean?
you can buy a machine:
let's extrapolate just from these datum.
"
"some boxes could hardly be plainer:
a simple protective container.
yet some are ornate,
playing music i hate:
plinking noises that drive me insaner.
"
"well, winnie was wined and was dined
by her date, who was legally blind.
but she whined, was irate
to be on a blind date?
unforeseen what particular kind.
"
"the groundskeepers oftentimes shirk,
so the bocce ball player's berserk.
every ball that he'll roll
simply falls in a hole.
it's so botchy, these gardeners' work.
"
"if you fail to secure your computer,
then your files might be gone when you boot 'er.
if you open an app
with a backdoor or trap,
then a hacker could break in and loot 'er!
"
"those pencils she bought with her savings?
you've reduced them to little but shavings!
well, i hate to be blunt,
but that sharpening stunt
caused her latest maniacal ravings.
"
"with a tug, i'm unplugging my phone.
for my tea, i'm preparing a scone
with some apricot jelly.
i'll turn on the telly:
ceremonial tea on my own.
"
"the shipwright was quickly demoted
when the flaws in construction were noted.
since that boatbuilder's craft
had too shallow a draft,
rafts of problems bobbed up when it floated.
"
"three nitrogens (""az"", en fran?ais)
had their m?nage-?-trois go astray.
with their typical luck,
they could not come unstuck
and emerged as an azide today.
"
"back up, or proceed in reverse,
when the space you intend to traverse
has a gate or a bar
right in front of your car;
going forward is certainly worse.
"
"this bondwoman's certainly fond
of that bondman and trusts he'll respond.
as the maid and her neighbor
perform unpaid labor,
they've formed an emotional bond.
"
"an instruction, a toast or a cheer
you might hear while you're nursing your beer
is the phrase, ""bottoms up!""
so you'll finish your cup,
making all of your drink disappear.
"
"""adversity"" happens each time
there's a tv commercial in rhyme.
they are after my purse,
and their verse is a curse,
for they'll get me to spend my last dime.
"
"b sharp major was majorly pissed:
they'd omitted his name, he'd insist.
""my concerto for harp
in the key of b sharp?
i can't c why it's not on the list!""
"
"aquaphobic and truly obsessed
was poor elphie, the witch of the west.
since the witch truly felt
that in water she'd melt,
she kept wearing a waterproof vest!
"
"when queen anne did politely invite me,
though i'm slightly unsightly, to knight me,
it did rightly delight me,
and slightly excite me?
'til that dame with the sword tried to smite me!
"
"when you're shrunk by one shrink or another,
'cause you're pissed at your sister or brother,
does your tongue tend to trip
in a freudian slip?
saying one thing while meaning your mother?
"
"does the pondering prof ever wonder
what drives her assemblies asunder?
with no hope that they'll pass,
students exit en masse,
sure that taking this class was a blunder.
"
"avoidable stress is annoying.
when adrenaline's busy deploying,
causing pointless dismay,
sidestep out of the way:
shift your focus to what you're enjoying.
"
"the witch with an itch had a notion
to cook up a foul-looking potion:
eye of newt, toe of frog,
wool of bat, tongue of dog?
when she could have used calamine lotion.
"
"though they're part of thy greedy design,
please appropriate not what is mine!
i regard what i see
more appropriately,
and decline what is properly thine.
"
"from your spine to your armpits extending,
all your axial axons are sending
sudden signals to twitch,
due to tickling you, which
was on purpose?no point in pretending.
"
"i refuse to attend here today:
hear the news?apprehend what i say.
since the place i'll appear
isn't located here,
that's exactly my point: i'm away!
"
"in the village, the smith's on your right,
but its chestnut tree died from the blight,
and the smith's old and weak,
now a useless antique,
as true horsepower faded from sight.
"
"i find all your nonsense abhorrent,
and your aberrance errant, i warrant.
it's completely apparent
your nonsense is arrant:
my nonsenses, patently, aren't.
"
"that budgie i bought on a budget
falls over each time that i nudge it.
it heard when you said,
""lor', this birdie is dead!""
and it wishes you wouldn't misjudge it.
"
"i'm struggling to sort through this stack,
keeping track of the paint on this rack.
up i clumsily clamber
past umber and amber
to track down the black in the back.
"
"burt the butcher bought goats and a cock
at an auction they held at the dock?
all the goats he could get,
save one sold as a pet:
that's the luckiest kid on the block.
"
"they tromped through the swamp in their waders,
but bechanced to advance on some 'gators.
they noted their error
with stark raving terror,
which made them great 'gator evaders.
"
"though ze artist's magnificent oeuvre
'ad seemed destined to 'ang in ze louvre
alongside poussin,
now it no longer can:
zese reviews mean 'e cannot recouvre.
"
"john milton ate undercooked snacks
bearing bladderworms: ribmeat and backs.
the results? preordained.
there were parasites gained:
larval tapeworms encysted in sacks.
"
"we've just signed a bilateral treaty
so we don't go to war with tahiti.
we opt not to invade
to secure our joint trade:
we'll get coconuts cheap and send ziti.
"
"our plumbing's benumbingly bleak.
it's becoming a plumbing antique,
since the main's running slow,
and the drains never go?
save the week we developed a leak.
"
"a batter quite noted for knowing
in advance where the baseball was going,
guessing right off the bat,
took a pitch that was fat:
he'd misguessed what the pitcher was throwing.
"
"augustinian monks thusly spake,
""'tis no sin to admit a mistake!""
would we not think it odd,
in the city of god,
if they had no confessions to make?
"
"youthful fires are damped into coldness,
and our passions recede, due to oldness.
though the riskiest chance
offers charm and romance,
we choose safety, not impudent boldness.
"
"that beekeeping freak is unique,
comprehending the bees as they speak.
we're impressed that he does
stay abreast of the buzz,
which bespeaks his bee-speaking technique.
"
"your austereness is somber and spare;
your appearance, excessively bare.
my concern and my fear:
you're so stern and severe,
if you smile, you may splinter?beware!
"
"a bee, busy buzzing and humming,
found her humdrum existence benumbing,
so she tried the effects
of some afternoon sex.
what a satisfied bee she's becoming!
"
"that blue is the blue of your eye,
or the blue of a beautiful sky.
would a poet not treasure
those ripples that measure
point-four-seven microns, and sigh?
"
"the tap at the top of our tub
always freezes or scalds as we scrub.
though we bathe to relax,
brushing soap on our backs,
we get soap in our . . . eyes!  there's the rub.
"
"when my heart problems started to burgeon,
my incompetent cardiac surgeon
took an auricle out.
too half-hearted, no doubt,
my resistance to all of his urgin'.
"
"it's a blight on my record, i fear,
that our voyage is ending right here.
there is naught i can do
with our mutinous crew.
that's abundantly, bountifully, clear.
"
"it's a pity your patter fell flatter
than a pancake, but here was the matter:
as a chef on tv
you should never agree
to use seal cub puree in your batter.
"
"i ordered a blintz filled with jelly,
and some matzoh ball soup at this deli.
it was all so delicious,
i added knishes,
judiciously filling my belly.
"
"an artist who painted too well
showed a vivid depiction of hell.
though he drew with panache,
all his friends claimed it's bosch,
and informed him his work wouldn't sell.
"
"can you answer this puzzle of note?
there's a wolf, and some corn, and a goat,
and a river to cross
without suff'ring a loss,
when there's room for just one in the boat.
"
"escargot is a dish to eschew
when you're not in paree, but peru.
avoid pork in amman,
creamy borscht in taiwan,
calamari in kalamazoo.
"
"with a fear of divine retribution,
you are seeking the priest's absolution.
show remorse and regret?
he'll forgive, not forget,
what you did to deserve execution.
"
"biota's a term that's assigned
to the flora and fauna combined.
individual lions
or scallions are bions;
a man, not the whole of mankind.
"
"the pitter we hear before patter
is the beating preceding the latter.
these beats interleavin'
are regular, even,
and go to the heart of the matter.
"
"if this pump's out of synch, you could die,
so electrical signals sweep by,
as each atrial part
of a four-chambered heart
takes its blood from a venous supply.
"
"the maestro was cruelly sardonic,
and mocked my ambition symphonic:
he refused his permission
to hold an audition,
""kazoos?! not in my philharmonic!""
"
"this tropical shallow's replete
with a game fish that measures 3 feet.
it's your catch of the day?
i should snatch it away:
it has too many bonelets to eat.
"
"it gives me immense satisfaction:
voicing boring and butthole's contraction.
if some fellow's annoying,
this word's worth deploying,
awaiting that borehole's reaction.
"
"to the borderland, slowly we wend
on a march to the march we'll defend.
we're all shaking with fear
as we near the frontier,
for we've marginal skills to that end.
"
"bookbindery skills must we learn
for a bookbinder's wages to earn.
so we sew up the spine
with some bookbinder's twine
in this bindery business concern.
"
"i'm thinking of buying a sliver
of alluvial land by the river.
as bottomland's pricing
is low and enticing,
the prospect is making me quiver.
"
"borromeo's three rings, we divine,
can seem knotted, or not, by design.
any one of them breaks,
and that's all that it takes
for the others to un-intertwine.
"
"bombardment is leaving us jarred.
all its targets are terribly marred,
as the landscape is scarred,
and the houses are charred.
now rebuilding seems wrenchingly hard.
"
"while boastfully brimming with pride,
the braggart kept swelling inside.
but with no one to tell,
he continued to swell
'til he suddenly burst?and he died.
"
"when the test was announced, students groaned,
""boning up is required, or we're boned!""
but those failing to cram
for the midterm exam
were reprieved when the test was postponed.
"
"this borough is thoroughly dumb,
so tomorrow, i'll borrow a sum.
i'll have finally moved
once my loan's been approved,
but the number is making me numb.
"
"a poem about anodes?an ode:
ions flew where the current once flowed,
while electrons abide
and collect and collide
to one side of their current abode.
"
"said our newspaper's printing savant,
that old typesetting purist, lamont,
""resolute, i refuse
to add cute curlicues
to my uncluttered arial font!""
"
"have some water to lift, what to do?
i would augur an auger for you.
slide it into a tube
and then turn it, you boob!
archimedes sure knew how to screw.
"
"i dig that you dug like a dog,
that you're eagerly digging, agog,
but, dagnabbit, you crook,
just replace what you took
when you dug up our dig in that bog.
"
"the traders who work at this branch
made our managers visibly blanch,
since their currency trade,
losing more than it made,
was effectively betting the ranch.
"
"when she's thin, anorexic, and gaunt,
take your date to a french restaurant.
it impresses her when you
look over the menu,
and offer, ""whatever you want.""
"
"you're busily feeding your brood,
but your toddler's artistic in mood.
she's the one you beribbon,
who eats like a gibbon,
who's wearing her bows full of food.
"
"should an actress who's totally stacked
use her assets to try to distract,
or more primly, perhaps,
keep them well under wraps,
and rely on her talent to act?
"
"the dressmaker's customer hints
she's admiring the tints in those prints.
and indeed she confesses
she needs several dresses,
but just doesn't cotton to chintz.
"
"will acclaim for this star someday tarnish?
the truth is too simple to varnish:
this conan of fiction,
with barbarous diction,
declaims not in english, but arnish.
"
"the frat boys who come from the dorm'll
go to parties described as ""informal.""
though it's staggeringly rude
when they stumble in nude,
they don't think it's the least bit abnormal.
"
"a struggling young programmer, bob,
who's bewailing the crash, with a sob,
had his program colossus,
a byzantine process,
erased while debugging his job.
"
"a boathouse is housing for boats,
its self-evident title denotes.
any raft or canoe
has a place in there, too,
just as long as the silly thing floats.
"
"an inductive young thinker, named john,
had a thought that he acted upon:
""quaffing beer after beer,
these should all disappear
if i drink 'til the last is all gone.""
"
"my mitzi's too ditsy, i find,
but her butt drives me out of my mind.
she's afeared that i'll flee,
but she just doesn't see
that i never could leave her behind.
"
"what intelligent planner's design
could have bodied a species like mine,
with a corpus so poor
that it's hard to be sure
if intents were divine or malign?
"
"her presence could quite overwhelm
when young velma was queen of the realm,
so there wasn't a vote
on her steering the boat,
and it sank when she'd taken the helm.
"
"the old brewmaster asked, with a tear,
that his casket wide-open appear.
when the staff asked him why,
he'd reply, ""when i die,
all my mourners can cry in my bier.""
"
"any boilable objects we've got
are appropriate things to get hot,
like you folks who persist
on my ""enemies list"":
form a line, while i heat up the pot.
"
"your behavior is brutal and boarish.
it's too swinish and cruel to ignoreish.
so i'll show you the door,
and explain what it's for.
don't expect to come 'round anymoreish.
"
"amadeus, composing a dirge,
and awaiting what theme might emerge,
had no clue what to do
when its theme split in two,
and the dirges began to diverge.
"
"annabella, the belle of the ball,
getting careless, let burgundy fall
down the front of her dress,
which created a mess
and accounts for her squeal and her squall.
"
"what a pterrible pthing it would be:
i'd look up at pthe branch of a ptree,
where arrayed by pthe dozens,
pterodacytlish cousins
hunt poor archaeopteryx?me.
"
"anatoxin may come from diphtheria,
or from blooms of cyanobacteria.
stopped nerves' operation
prevents respiration.
anabaena, i'll never go near ya.
"
"sequestered for half the semester,
young lester met esther; impressed 'er.
why'd lester detest 'er,
let animus fester?
she pestered him 'cause he obsessed 'er.
"
"as a mooth, he lacks sense of connection
with heading or bearing selection.
could you help disentangle
his azimuth angle?
just tell him his compass direction.
"
"that actress attempts to beguile,
wearing only high heels and a smile.
the expected result:
little doubt she's ""adult"",
with a repertoire supple in style.
"
"angialgia, of which i complain,
is vasalgia, a vascular pain.
those are terms too arcane
for these worms in my brain
busy juggling my jugular vein.
"
"while she walked around, peripatetic,
she would talk at a pace so frenetic
that the muscles she'd sport?
the mandibular sort?
could be characterized as athletic!
"
"when infested with thrush on your tongue, gus,
thank c. albicans, dimorphic fungus.
they're intestinal flora
you used to ignore: a
proverbial fungus among us.
"
"in the sailor's last fight (altercation),
flailing left and then right (alternation),
he got tripped, and he slipped;
seems his uniform ripped.
so they're sewing his seams (alteration).
"
"when a bondservant's bargain is made
it's to labor without being paid:
it's to dig in the turf
as a slave or a serf,
or assist with a herd or a trade.
"
"such focus is hard to ignore:
it's a topic your shrink might explore:
is your writing obsession
a sign of regression?
penning limerick lines by the score?
"
"when you bade me to bid for a cask,
'twas a pleasant, agreeable task.
i was bidden to drink,
in the hope that i'd think
it was worth what the seller would ask.
"
"if our fields were all aquamarine,
and we cows came in pale shades of green
mixed with hues of light blue,
please vote ""moo"" if it's true
we cud udderly fade from the scene.
"
"though my buddy felt utterly cruddy
about getting my study all muddy,
the response that i chose
was a blow to the nose.
now my study's both muddy and bloody.
"
"the victim, recalling the curse,
was distressed?her condition grew worse.
when they called on his name,
baron saturday came,
and they took her away in a hearse.
"
"when getting the heroine stripped,
why's her bodice so typically ripped?
better chance of romance,
getting into her pants,
would be getting her zipper unzipped.
"
"the bottoms you're selling have sludge?
it's a fact you were careful to fudge.
now you're shocked that your buyer
implied you're a liar
for giving the truth just a nudge.
"
"my shrink said my mem'ry had shrunk
due to bonking my head on my bunk.
when it switched to ""erase,""
i had lost every trace?
every thought that i ever had thunk.
"
"biographical stuff can be tough.
if the graph of your life is too rough,
every peak has its trough.
stop! i want to get off?
all this up-and-down stuff is enough.
"
"in underground caves swim the blindfish?
not a place i expected to find fish.
they've diminutive size
and vestigial eyes.
i'll admit i've seen better designed fish.
"
"victor borge was clearly distraught
at the cost of whatever he bought.
he explored its relation
to language inflation?
a thoroughly asi-ten thought.
"
"though i give you a great deal of latitude,
you incessantly give me an attitude.
you behave like an ass,
and your assitude's crass.
i just wish you'd exhibit more gratitude.
"
"on my ranch, selling cheap big horn sheep,
inventorying costs are too steep,
since as soon as they're countin'
those sheep (rocky mountain),
the help's in a heap, fast asleep.
"
"though regarded by some as delightful,
your monster-filled movie's affrightful.
that horror show flick
made me dreadfully sick.
and the nightmares? i had a whole night full!
"
"in her dreams, she aspires to sing mahler,
though it seems like she just likes to holler,
so she screams bloody murda?
das lied von der erde.
would she cease with that piece for a dollar?
"
"see those racers out getting their kicks,
as their bicycles speed down the bricks?
not a one will acquire
a stiff black wall tire?
a rubber and carbon black mix.
"
"not a trace of my ant could be found,
so i looked at the waffles and frowned.
things went swimmingly well,
'til she stumbled and fell
in the syrup, and tragically drowned.
"
"we do janu shirshasana poses,
and conclude when our knees touch our noses.
nose arrives at said knees
just as hell starts to freeze:
old-age yoga is no bed of roses.
"
"""i'll work topless,"" she said off the bat,
while removing her flowery hat;
but, on hearing bare-breasted,
she quickly protested,
""i didn't think topless meant that!""
"
"""you've broken your record,"" said keating,
""for repeating your asinine bleating.
going 'round and around,
you're beginning to sound
like a darned broken record, repeating.""
"
"a moody young doodler named parker
found his art was becoming much darker,
so he fled to tahiti
to draw his graffiti?
gauguin with indelible marker.
"
"there's no chance that the girl who'd begun
singing wagner would die in act one,
since if somebody'd killed her,
there'd be no brynhildr
to tell when the opera was done.
"
"would an elephant's eloquence pale
and his elegance fail to avail
if an angry retort
in a kangaroo court
got him shipped to an elephant jail?
"
"all those things that went bump in the night
likely frightened those children of light.
lonely fears seemed allayed
as they huddled and prayed,
yet abatement of bumping was slight.
"
"her apparel appears to appeal
to a prurient sort of ideal.
it is slit down the sides,
and reveals more than hides
in a half-assed attempt to conceal.
"
"the trouble with bitty wee mouses:
they insist on invading our houses,
where they nap for the day,
but then happily play
and carouse with their minuscule spouses.
"
"bambi's flying her bomber today
o'er the indian city bombay.
messing up, she ignores
bolted-shut bomb bay doors,
slaps the button, and booms, ""bombs away!""
"
"this limerick's bad, but, good grief,
i'm expecting a sense of relief
that as verse after verse
goes from rotten to worse,
it is blessedly gonna be brief.
"
"a nut and a bolt were pursuing
quite an ill-augered effort at screwing.
the drill-bit, instead,
hit the nail on the head
when he said, ""what a tool! what's he's doing?""
"
"when a singer can't get satisfaction,
well past sixty, and looking for action,
should he wither and die,
or continue to try,
in the hope that he won't need no traction?
"
"our guest, who confessed that she'd bought
neither liquor nor beer, looked distraught;
she learned ""byob""
meant the booze wasn't free,
but her booty was all that she'd brought.
"
"the bandage i bind to my arm
for avoiding additional harm?
for providing protection,
preventing infection?
just keeps my bacteria warm.
"
"the atoms that bind at each end
of a chemical bond often tend
to move slightly around
where each atom is bound,
a vibration that makes a bond bend.
"
"poor driver! he's feeling abashed
'bout the fenders he's dented and smashed.
now he dials 9-1-1;
it's so easily done
with the phone that he held when he crashed.
"
"i fear that my : is swollen,
so my surgeon's cajolin', extollin'
a procedure to cut
away half of my gut,
which would leave but a mere ;.
"
"an azygospore's route of formation
has proceeded without conjugation.
lack of gamete's no bungle
for anamorphs (fungal),
but commonplace self-sporulation.
"
"the support she would never deny a sis
counters angie the elephant's biases;
sis's tumors extensive
make both apprehensive;
it's called angioelephantiasis.
"
"both my hamstrings are starting to seize.
wrap my wrists 'round my toes with straight knees?
touch my thighs with my chest?
hear my painful request:
""no more anelasticity, please!""
"
"the gorilla, i feared, might escape?
her enclosure's in pretty bad shape.
now her door is ajar,
and it's missing a bar.
when the zookeeper hears, he'll go ape!
"
"a backdated check is defined
as a slightly unscrupulous kind,
where the truth is distorted?
the day it's purported-
ly dated precedes when it's signed.
"
"the bomber, so swiftly it flew,
after dropping that lone buckaroo.
with a wave of aplomb,
he's astraddle the bomb.
slim-to-none are his chances. yahoo.
"
"do you mind if i just put a word in?
it's concerning those cattle you're herdin'?
like that yak that you pack
in a sack on your back:
did you misunderstand ""beast of burden""?
"
"as it burst from her burgeoning belly,
all reddish and squalling and smelly,
was her abdomen rent
by a blessed event?
no, just aliens 3 on the telly.
"
"your coupling was supple perfection,
'til abruptly you lost your ... amplexion.
though you're very well-versed,
you just over-rehearsed
for that conjugal coupling connection.
"
"said the frog to her friend, ""he expects us
to spend all our time in amplexus!
but all day in the sack
with a male on my back?
they invented that pose just to vex us!""
"
"the back of his mate he bestrode:
with his forelimbs around her, he rode.
this amplexus, so tight,
can last most of the night.
it's the mating embrace of a toad.
"
"shooting bees with a bb or three
was a booboo, i think you'd agree.
as the hundreds you've missed
got so wonderously pissed,
wave buh-bye to the bees as you flee.
"
"an auxotroph got really tired
of ingesting the foods he required.
though his cousins proceeded
to make what they needed,
his enzymes were not as inspired.
"
"a dance with a rhythmical cadence
helps the hippest of 'potamus maidens
to be spry on their feet:
they rely on the beat
for assistance and guidance and aidance.
"
"those real estate agents can goof,
and my living arrangements are proof:
though they found me a home
where the buffalo roam,
i expected four walls and a roof!
"
"since his family's fatal disaster,
orphan jack has acquired a new master.
he shall earn for his pay
just a penny a day,
all because he can't work any faster.
"
"a blonde who was wearing a maxi
toured galaxies strapped to a taxi.
her trips were so toxic,
she came home anoxic:
anemic?complexion too waxy.
"
"when bilateral symmetries hold
on the left and the right of a fold,
then an object's bisected:
each half is expected
to mirror the other, i'm told.
"
"there are folks that you'd love to restrain
from repeating the same old refrain.
you surmise that they're done,
but?surprise!?they've begun
once again?with the same old refrain.
"
"though my basketball star, baby sibyl,
cannot shoot, that is merely a quibble,
for her talent is clear,
as her age is one year,
and she already knows how to dribble.
"
"an em-dash can often replace
a parenthesis, bracket, or brace.
so you could?if you chose?
have those symbols en-close
an aside in these dashes' em-brace.
"
"a binomial sum, a plus b,
can be raised to the power of c.
as the theorem affirms,
this will generate terms
algebraic, of given degree.
"
"parenthetical phrases are fit
'twixt these symbols in text that you've writ:
they're a way you can show
(so the reader will know)
your intent to digress for a bit.
"
"when our cattle got sick (""lumpy jaw"")
all their lymph nodes were swollen and raw.
we might just bet the ranch
tiny filaments branch
in the actinomycetes we saw.
"
"when felice, n?e ailuros, my cat
falls a full fifty feet from my flat,
it's my fear that her dives
use up most of her lives,
so she'll die, by and by, going splat!
"
"you have come to my bar christmas eve;
my liqueur's almost gone, so i grieve.
when you go, not a lot'll
be left in the bottle?
my absinth you took without leave!
"
"there's no sinking a ship this gigantic!
why are passengers acting so frantic?
what occasions such panic
on the deck of titanic,
on its voyage across the atlantic?
"
"when we throw a parade for the brass,
they can watch all the weaponry pass,
and they generally stand
on a stand as the band,
marching by, plays a march that's first class.
"
"if coyotes remembered to think,
would their roadrunner catching still stink?
would they manage to stop
at the top of a drop
before plunging right over the brink?
"
"in the morning, the lady named bright
would regret being faster than light:
though she's barely awake,
she can see her mistake?
he's asleep in the bed on her right.
"
"my sea blubbers swimming in brine
could be yours, if that fits your design.
i'm preparing to share,
'cause i'm totally fair
and unsellyfish.  want one of mine?
"
"certain orators given to levity
have careers of surprising longevity,
being apt to enthrall,
saying little at all,
as the soul of wit's said to be brevity.
"
"your handwashing offers protection
from actinomycosis infection.
there's no need to endure
such an abscess?its cure
is an antibiotic injection.
"
"the precession of slow-spinning plates
shares its math with obscure quantum states?
mr. feynman, you're jokin'?
or surely misspoken?
that a dish to an a-bomb equates.
"
"when my energy's boundless, i've found
i can pounce, with a leap and a bound,
on my bountiful prey?
i'll have zebra today.
(ah, the fantasy life of a hound!)
"
"i see disparate despots, all potted,
and desperate not to get spotted,
at the depot nearby
buying bottles of rye
for those despots who opt to get sotted.
"
"i'm too selfish to sell you a shellfish,
but i'll sell you some slightly less swell fish:
there's a bluefish, a red fish?
the two fish are dead fish
who used to be slightly unwell fish.
"
"a tale-teller dwelt in our cellar:
an unethical sort of a feller.
well, the stories we'd hear?
they were baseless, i fear,
as befitting a clear bottom-dweller.
"
"since his practice is starting to burgeon,
dr. ken is resistin' the urgin'
from barbie to switch
from the specialty which
has been making him rich: plastic surgeon.
"
"georg cantor accepted some bets
to tabulate infinite sets.
when his counting grew dull,
he declared, ""aleph-null
is the smallest infinity gets.""
"
"a squealing young rat on a wheel
could appeal to a cat as a meal.
what she'd tend to conclude
would depend on her mood:
might she feel that fast food is ideal?
"
"the nobility, bent on frivolity,
have a holiday penchant for jollity:
an uncivil proclivity
for convivial activity
with women of dubious quality.
"
"our neighbors, named marty and joan,
got another home-equity loan.
five in college this fall,
of eleven, in all,
since the couple is accident-prone.
"
"the highway that takes us from hence
runs a ways alongside of my fence.
then the road that we're on
curves from hither to yon,
and forgetfulness takes us from thence.
"
"a buzzard who works for the fuzz
left her beeper wherever she was.
what's the good that it does her?
her left-behind buzzer
won't buzz her whatever she does.
"
"an outcome that's certain and sure
has a certain appeal and allure.
so beyond any doubt,
they get conned when you shout,
""your investment's completely secure!""
"
"brer fox? he was hardly a match
for the rabbit he happened to catch.
should have known not to heed
when brer rabbit would plead,
feigning fear of that briar-filled patch.
"
"the heifer seduced in the shed
has been feeling abused and misled,
since the herd, so we hear,
gave her quite the bum steer.
poor advice led her into his bed.
"
"while an ox was out pulling a plow,
he was smitten with love for a cow.
but the cow heard, i fear,
that he's just a bum steer,
so his bull's unconvincing right now.
"
"at baggage claim, sometime last week,
sat a buzzard with bags in her beak,
rudely thrown from a plane,
told she couldn't remain?
as her carrion bags had this ... reek.
"
"with superfluous syllables nixed,
they consider my limerick fixed.
they insist on the version
without an excursion:
offending addenda deep-sixed. sadly.
"
"a breakwater jutting from land
gives the shoreline a chance to expand,
and a beach will be built
of alluvial silt,
as the waves don't erode all the sand.
"
"min's dinner martini was ginful,
and her interests got into the sinful.
absolution was sought?
absolut's what she bought,
since with vodka, she feels less chagrinful.
"
"my germs seem to spread, germlets hatching,
which steam-baths are good at dispatching.
an autoclave's scheme:
kill with pressurized steam,
thus preventing contagions from catching.
"
"if you're heating your water up, hot,
and a pound's the amount that you've got,
each degree you go through
requires one btu
(for an hour, three-tenths of a watt).
"
"for a bridge player, name of bernard,
it's a game he declares isn't hard.
ruffing aces, finessing,
he's always impressing,
but never knows what to discard.
"
"a hominid skeleton found
while digging in fossil-rich ground,
an australopithecine,
born in the pleistocene,
was upright when walking around.
"
"a chandlery normally handles
soap and candles, not scandals or sandals.
it's clear, in that sphere,
that a bright chandelier
would appear less austere with some candles.
"
"if he opts not to stop at a spot
where the host pours a shot in a pot,
he would shop for a beer
where it's posh and too dear,
and the sot finds the hops not so hot.
"
"a spartan was startled to learn
that in baseball, there's money to burn,
so he showed up at fenway
attired in a henway,
to see what a grecian might earn.
"
"if a bee, flying by, caught the flu,
as a doctor, just what could i do?
i would say, with a shrug,
""you've come down with a bug.
now, begone and quit bugging me, you!""
"
"though i think that i'm growing obsessed
with the tenderest part of your breast,
i've decided to try
either wings or a thigh,
to determine which parts i like best.
"
"falling overboard wasn't the fault
of a sure-footed sea-dog named walt.
he'd have drowned in the brine,
but we tossed him a line.
what a brackishly waterlogged salt!
"
"what a salt-forming halogen star
is the element bromine (br)!
though this atom is weighty,
with mass number 80,
just 35 protons there are.
"
"quoth the emperess ant, ""i should try
bearing hundreds of sons ere i die!""
so while gasping for breath,
she's been breeding to death,
and ensuring her (gasp!) heir supply.
"
"a witch with an itch for a brew
flavored beer with some aeroplane glue,
plus containers of ink,
which are staining her sink.
didn't think that she'd drink it?did you?
"
"a chap with the bod of a bear
tried attending a nudist affair,
but he couldn't get in
without showing more skin,
as his backside was bristling with hair!
"
"his briefing was blessedly brief,
his assertions beyond all belief,
as the tack that he took?
""i am hardly a crook!""?
was belied by his life as a thief.
"
"when a sailor who serves on a carrier
weds a gay divorcee, there's a barrier:
would his chaplain preside
for a thrice-divorced bride,
when he'd far rather bury than marry her?
"
"a broker with aught in her pocket
but a locket is needing to hock it.
it had come as a shock,
when she'd shorted a stock,
and went broke?it took off like a rocket.
"
"on the main line, a rancher named blanche
said the railroad is building a branch:
it's on track to occur
by extending a spur
to the outermost reach of her ranch.
"
"i'm spending much more than most folk,
so my credit card bill is a joke.
from my charging i'll take
just a bit of a break.
if i don't, there's a chance i'll go broke.
"
"i'd imagine it's not a surprise
that my moggy's a magnet for flies.
that's how maggots are bred
in a body that's dead:
they arise, i surmise, when it dies.
"
"what befell that poor fellow, the skel?
what bechanced him? he fell down a well.
if not rescued betimes,
he might pay for his crimes,
as he'll find what betides him in hell.
"
"by dint of the force of my blow,
i've just skewered my helmeted foe.
i've impaled him, i fear,
with my spear through his ear.
should we tell him? he might like to know.
"
"my portfolio's clearly in trouble;
in the boom it was worth almost double.
my technology stocks
have been dropping like rocks
in the bust of the internet bubble.
"
"a duck has much reason to fear ya,
and with luck won't come anywhere near ya.
blue-green algae in bloom,
you spell avian doom:
you're the deadly cyanobacteria.
"
"you were typing ""as far as i know,""
but your fingers were moving too slow.
it's much shorter to say
as afaik.
there's no difference, as far as i know.
"
"i am liking this viking named spike,
who looks striking, his head on a pike,
for the message he sends
his barbarian friends:
""stay away. here it ends. take a hike!""
"
"a sponge who is learning to fence
may appear not ambitious, but dense.
could it properly lunge
without limbs? would a sponge
grasp a foil any way that makes sense?
"
"the baetyl enshrined in our shrine
that once fell from the sky as a sign
now lies under a cross,
slowly gathering moss,
while we strive to divine the divine.
"
"to illuminate rooms was your goal,
but your purchase was poor, on the whole.
once you kindled bituminous
to make your room luminous
your home choked with smoke from that coal.
"
"calm leviathans gracefully sweep,
e'er exploring the floor of the deep.
they pursue things bathysmal
in dreadful and dismal
cold canyons abysmal and steep.
"
"that magnet's designed to attract,
but he's not just attractive, in fact,
since he equally well
can repulse and repel
if he's lacking in charm and in tact.
"
"that brewster who married a brewer?
she's had seventeen children, no fewer!
so she's drowned him, we hear,
in their vat full of beer,
making sure the old rooster can't screw 'er.
"
"the animist views with alarm
all the spirits that live on our farm.
there be bushes and trees
that he needs to appease,
lest their animus causes us harm.
"
"the carrot-like bishop's weed's stout,
and, as chemists have come to find out,
in the goutweed they've dug,
there's a psoralen drug
for psoriasis treatment, and gout.
"
"to law school he'd gone, as expected,
but to passing the bar, he'd objected.
once the gin that they'd pour
got him in through the door,
legal studies were sadly neglected.
"
"my broker? i'd happily choke her:
she's a stock-picking practical joker.
when she buys me a stock,
and it sinks like a rock,
i get steadily broker and broker.
"
"when a portly reporter named mort,
gone to court to report on a tort,
heard the bailiff shout, ""order!""
he'd order a porter,
a stout, or a snort of some port.
"
"the deft little felon was thwarted,
his theft of a melon reported.
every seller could tell
from that melony smell
that a felony must be aborted.
"
"you're puzzled and can't understand
how your broker lost twenty-five grand?
when he'd pick out a stock,
it would sink like a rock.
now his brokerage wants to expand.
"
"a scraggly old bird near demise
made a nest in your home, and?surprise!?
burned your house to the ground.
you've belatedly found
what a phoenix requires to arise.
"
"your parrot has stopped being talky
since her perch was removed to milwaukee:
your parrot's deceased!
i said, ""not in the least?
she's just being uncommonly balky!""
"
"this vacation, intending to frolic,
i had booked us a spot so bucolic
that the cows tend to graze
in the laziest ways.
what a shame you're the worst workaholic.
"
"since your spirit and aura have brightened,
with your sense of the universe heightened,
you've got buddhahood, jack!
you don't need to come back
to a life with us poor unenlightened.
"
"when you dive in the water headfirst,
and you let out a breath while immersed,
bubbles angrily swarm
in a violent storm
'til they throng to the surface and burst.
"
"my body needs iron a lot:
a deficiency, that's what i've got.
so i'm biting the bullet
by eating a pullet
i recently peppered with shot.
"
"to avoid any trips to the vet,
you could get a disposable pet.
when he's ill, there's no rush:
twist the handle and flush.
watch 'im circle the bowl, no regret.
"
"when a cow kicks a churn through the air,
then the butter flies 'round, here and there.
flying butter then slugs
lepidopteran bugs,
who are fluttering 'round unaware.
"
"he was valiantly trying to push
through the dense amazonian bush.
now, we're holding his wake
'cause a  bushmaster snake
put its venomous fangs in his tush.
"
"when a wizard and witch from the coven
have an itch for some ritual lovin',
and it's beltane, they might
get fertility right,
and wind up with a bun in the oven.
"
"with your belt size increasingly great,
can you buckle your buckle of late?
when you purchased your belt,
you were slender and svelte;
now your knees buckle under your weight.
"
"any fly that you chanced to espy
would be hid by the lid of your eye
if you happened to blink.
why, as quick as a wink,
mr. fly could flee fleetly on by.
"
"wispy and light as a feather,
the cirrus clouds travel together.
but warnings of storming
accumulate, forming
the nimbus of treacherous weather.
"
"don't dare to provoke animosity
in an animal known for ferocity,
like a tiger or bear?
just beware and prepare
to repair from his lair, with velocity!
"
"my new bride seemed so timid and meek.
we have only been married a week,
but since tying the knot,
she's surprised me a lot.
come to find she's the kinkiest freak!
"
"when you said it, he wasn't annoyed;
it's a secret that groucho enjoyed.
guessing right brought you luck,
since this little stuffed duck
gave you 100 bucks for your ""woid"".
"
"this bulletin's borderline bull,
and you shouldn't believe it in full,
since the six o'clock news
likes to broadcast their views,
but pretend they're not pulling the wool.
"
"you've been held under water headfirst,
though you've struggled and wriggled and cursed,
and to add to your troubles,
the tub's full of bubbles?
and swallowing soap is the worst.
"
"despite the advice that we gave yer,
you've engaged in outrageous behaviour.
now, alas,  overwrought
that your ass has been caught,
you're distraught, but there's naught that'll save yer.
"
"at brillig, the time we broil dinner,
we'll cook bandersnatch, after we skin 'er.
though i don't like to boast,
it's so frabjous a roast
since we're stuffing a boojum within 'er.
"
"is the cat-burglar's lawsuit a goof?
he had tumbled off somebody's roof.
in his injury suit,
he'll exhibit his loot,
partly meeting his burden of proof.
"
"this  byzantine palace intrigue
has me hopelessly out of my league:
extramarital sex
in the harem's complex,
not to mention a source of fatigue.
"
"a cantankerous banker named bunny
had discovered that something was funny:
all her tellers' accounts
had astounding amounts,
though the bank didn't pay them much money.
"
"beware of the critter you've dissed,
if your badgering tends to persist;
and prepare for a shock
when the critter you mock
is a badger?a brock?and it's pissed.
"
"ancientry hangs in the air,
and the shattered stone face wears a stare.
waves of sand rolling past,
without pause, deep and vast,
lost in time.  worn away.  nothing there.
"
"b-4 i had ever b-gun
taking thiamine (known as b-1),
i b-came beri sick,
but b-1 did the trick:
now my nervous disorder b done.
"
"i would kill for a pill i could take
for this dreadful, incredible ache.
i have lain in my bed
with this pain in my head.
i need sleep, but it keeps me awake.
"
"my bird, who hawks housewares in york,
is so chicken, afraid of the stork,
that she'll bill, coo, and spoon
for the whole afternoon,
but duck out when i'm ready to fork.
"
"in a nuclear family's fission,
there are multiple costs of division,
for subtracting a spouse,
and dividing the house,
with attorneys to pay in addition.
"
"when skinning a neighborhood cat
(there is more than one method for that),
after bating the hide,
tan it, stretching it wide,
so the leather will lie nice and flat.
"
"you're expecting you'll have the last word,
but your cats find that droll and absurd.
though the logic you're selling
seems clear and compelling,
those are cats you're determined to herd.
"
"birds of passage are driven to range,
for no reason but seasonal change.
they are no stay-at-homers,
but rovers and roamers
to kingdoms both distant and strange.
"
"little brats i believe i could choke
pushed my bookcases down as a joke.
such tricks hardly mattered,
but nick-nacks were shattered.
i'm pissed that my bric-a-brac broke.
"
"""we sew fabrics so light they're a dream,""
claimed the emperor's tailoring team.
seams were suitably sewn,
as beseeming the throne,
so befitting?or so it would seem.
"
"if you're tossing a coin in the air,
irrespective of whether it's fair,
for each ratio thrown,
probability's known,
and predictably common or rare.
"
"a cub whose behavior is grave
(""you're unbearably bad! now behave!"")
with the loving forbearance
of both his bear parents
might be sent to his room in the cave.
"
"attorneys in various firms
have been known by a number of terms:
words like bloodsuckers, giving
what they do for a living.
(no offense, hirudinean worms.)
"
"what's a bluebeard of happiness got?
many wives that he's happily shot.
though you thought him a songbird,
turns out, he's the wrong bird:
a bluebird of happiness, not.
"
"on a farm, there's a swarm that we're seeing.
is their life free of strife really freeing?
do they work 9-to-5
at their jobs in the hive,
just fulfilling their destinies, being?
"
"when the bughouse is swarming with bugs,
is the patient, sedated by drugs,
happ'ly shooting the breeze
with the spiders and fleas?
on his haziest days, he just shrugs.
"
"old aesop, a classical gent,
had a clear allegorical bent.
you could learn from the words
of his critters and birds
and discern what his parables meant.
"
"i'm surprised, leonardo, you chose
to portray that particular pose.
though you added a smile
that will doubtless beguile,
did she need that additional nose?
"
"the nose of my camel once went
in my tent to a tiny extent.
but he followed his nose,
and disturbed my repose,
while annexing the rest of my tent.
"
"my camel, untrammeled, had meant
to acquire my entire desert tent.
just his nose? that's a ruse
that's designed to confuse,
while pursuing 100%.
"
"the peasants, i hear, have been molting;
and the pheasants, i fear, are revolting.
so, with all that's been said
while my hearing aid's dead,
self-restraint's all that keeps me from bolting.
"
"when lily and daisy and rose
went afield where the wildflower grows,
did they while away hours
whilst gathering flowers,
or wilt in the sunshine and doze?
"
"a lim'rick is often rejected
when anapest meter's expected,
and stresses appear
with no pattern that's clear,
and no reason or rhyme is detected.
"
"incidentally's what you should say,
but you're seeking a much shorter way.
then it really won't trouble you
to say btw.
it means what you'd like to convey.
"
"when old aesop, a classical greek,
wrote in fables that animals speak,
might a crow or a crane,
feeling peevish, complain,
""you've been putting those words in my beak""?
"
"in the legends that escargots tell,
ancient heroes would scream as they fell
past the ominous jaw
leading right to the maw
of the tunnel descending to hell.
"
"there's an afterlife, mollusks surmise,
when the ghastliest gastropod dies.
after writhing and coiling
in butter that's boiling,
there's profound gastronomic surprise.
"
"whenever we'd hire a sitter,
little monster would bite her and hit her.
she used to say ""maybe""
to watching our baby,
then watched as young dracula bit her.
"
"bold dynamite, after its fashion,
loves a blast of molecular passion
and explosive emotions
set off by that potion's
tumultuous flashin' and crashin'.
"
"a brassiere, with its ribbons and lace,
could be holding each breast in its place.
but my love understands
that the cup of my hands
could provide them a warmer embrace.
"
"those rose-buds you bought for a gal,
to inform her she's more than a pal,
were received with a thud,
since you're merely her bud?
just her bud-drinking buddy from cal.
"
"he'd look at a book on a whim
with a bulb most exceedingly dim,
so we said, of the light,
that it wasn't too bright,
but he thought we were speaking of him.
"
"a poor lord had just purchased a ford,
though the car left him thoroughly bored.
said he couldn't afford
to obtain an accord,
or a cord that was lately restored.
"
"i thought that you'd give me a kiss?
not a pale imitation like this.
it just doesn't seem fair
that you're kissing the air?
where you aim for my cheek, and just miss.
"
"while bulls who buy stocks are unbear-able,
and china-shop bulls un-repair-a-bull,
who went down to defeat
in the labyrinth of crete?
some poor soul in a costume from wear-a-bull.
"
"beware wearing beachwear and such
(scanty swimsuits revealing too much):
while you doze in a daze,
ultraviolet rays
scorch your hide 'til it's painful to touch.
"
"free peoples should find it abhorrent
they'll clandestinely issue a warrant.
when officials decide
secret laws are applied,
constitutional freedoms just aren't.
"
"commencement commences today,
but the speaker has bupkes to say:
he'd explain what life means,
but he doesn't know beans?
we're expecting some pea-brained clich?.
"
"when the ghost (apparition) had neared,
she was nearly as weird as we feared.
we could scarcely detect her,
and didn't expect her:
a spectre who jeeringly sneered.
"
"the bursar, whose questions were cursory,
gave us purses to spend from the bursary.
we'll be purchasing blooms
from the nursery's rooms
for our church's fifteenth anniversary.
"
"on a couch sits a slouchy potater.
any moment, he'll meet his creator,
with aortic stenosis
and calcific sclerosis,
still avouching he'll exercise later.
"
"when little jack horner had died,
the coroner took it in stride,
and remarked to a mourner,
""he sat in his corner,
'til arteries clogged up inside.""
"
"whenever you sever an artery,
so you're bleeding and falling apartery,
and you bind it in vain,
watch the spreading red stain,
a reminder it wasn't too smartery.
"
"the bull gave a heart-rending cry
since, befuddled, he couldn't see why,
so malignly inclined,
we've been trying to blind,
taking aim at some hapless bull's eye.
"
"academics on tau ceti prime
write each thesis entirely in rhyme.
they frame their conjectures
in musical lectures
delivered in three-quarter time.
"
"dusty the dust bunny's habit:
if it's moving, endeavor to grab it!
he repeatedly greets
every ankle he meets
with a bound and a pounce! (stupid rabbit.)
"
"the bwave hunter was hopelessly muddled;
in a snowbank, he'd shivered and huddled,
'til he spotted a wabbit,
and twied vainly to nab it:
that wascal had elmer befuddled.
"
"his liturgy's hard to surpass,
but brevity's lacking, alas.
the te deum keeps going
with no sign of slowing:
inertial's the word for this mass.
"
"when miss muffet was bitten by spiders,
she had cov'rage with policy riders.
but she wasn't protected?
her claim was rejected
by all her assurance providers.
"
"raise your cup?bimillennial cheer?
as a mark of our two-thousandth year.
can our planet survive
having humans alive
till our next bimillennium here?
"
"should your favorite saint up and die,
quickly dig up a bone from her thigh.
holy relics for healing
are wholly appealing?
so there's rarely a goodly supply.
"
"on the corner some bum was espied
bumming rides with his pack by his side.
if he sticks out his thumb
as he sits on his bum,
could he pull out a plum of a ride?
"
"every library's crannies and nooks
shelter racks where they stack all the books.
we can seek them ourselves
side-by-side on the shelves:
cherished places a booklover looks.
"
"a bookmaker rarely forgets
to collect when you're losing your bets.
you find yourself scrambling
to pay for your gambling
while running up wagering debts.
"
"the rest of the booze that you've got'll
make you drunk, and as likely as not'll
get you too sick to care
how to squeeze it in there?
build your ship in some emptier bottle!
"
"in my last gastronomic adventure,
escargots had got caught in my denture.
then from gastropod hell,
one squirmed out of its shell ...
ghastly meal! where's a chef i can censure?
"
"me mither would constantly dither
over whether to carry 'em with 'er;
but, given her druthers,
she'd leave me me brothers
to chase after, hither and thither.
"
"a barista who's overly whimful
poured your coffee cup up-to-the-rim full.
since your mug, overfilled,
was a cinch to be spilled,
there's a mess, and it's no longer brimful.
"
"whenever it rains like the dickens,
brontosaurus's pulse always quickens.
brontophobic, she fears
any thunder she hears.
are these dinosaurs just giant chickens?
"
"brachylogy's briefness in speech.
"
"yes, a bull can be sated: he's fill-a-bull.
with the proper cow-tipping, he's spill-a-bull.
and, of course, when he hires
attorneys (what liars!),
he's certain their hours are ...
"
"hear the drummers and pipers in bands,
who transmit the commander's commands,
while the buglers amass,
blaring orders with class?
brassy patterns each troop understands.
"
"she's a butterfly girl, so she skitters
from task to distraction. she flitters
with bright eyes aglitter
(i'm tempted to hit 'er)
and jitters and twitters and titters.
"
"i don't understand what you're thinking,
but i sometimes suspect you've been drinking,
when you badger and mock
such a sweet-smelling brock
with that scurrilous epithet, stinking!
"
"a broad bred so brutish a brood
that when faring abroad, seeking food,
they'll beleaguer a village,
marauding for pillage,
whenever her brood's in the mood.
"
"had my buildings been built on a stilt
far above the alluvial silt
on those plots that i've gotten,
they'd stop going rotten,
like most other buildings i've built.
"
"push a buggy along on the street?
you could fry up an egg on concrete!
yet you're wheeling your baby;
i have to think, maybe
you're buggy, with all of this heat.
"
"though the horse had been forced to divorce
('tain't a course the resourceful endorse),
as a recently free horse,
this stallion had recourse?
and fell for a seahorse, of course.
"
"an azide group's simply ?n3.
stability? no guarantee.
then, with certain foreboding,
add ?h, it's exploding!
that's hydrogen azide, you see.
"
"a chicken who's hatching her brood
might be brooding and not in the mood
to be laid when she's laying,
or peckish and saying
she'd rather be scratching for food.
"
"by chance, you have danced at a dance
with a dancer whose dancing enchants,
but if only you'd hung
with the one that you'd brung,
you perchance could get into her pance.
"
"i'm brunching on brisket (or breast):
not the part of the cow i like best,
but some meat-stealin' thief
made me yell, ""where's the beef?""
by absconding with all of the rest.
"
"when the crankiest sort of a person
is in need of around-the-clock nursin',
does his body repair
with persistence and care,
but his crankiness steadily worsen?
"
"the right-brained (or artsy-inclined)
have the kind of a mind that's maligned.
but you've heard the old joke
that the left-brained are folk
who are out of their (so-called) right mind.
"
"when lucy the goose took a gander
at the snake who'd been raising her dander,
she would let out a hissssssssssss,
to berate him like thisssssssssss,
so the snake simply sued her for sssssssslander.
"
"can a bull who eats meat be a can-a-bull?
if his access is barred, is he ban-a-bull?
if he's out for a run
far too long in the sun,
might one side of his hide become tan-a-bull?
"
"his blessing, expressing conviction,
was convenient, expedient fiction.
he was power-obsessed,
lacked the faith he professed,
and that made for a flawed benediction.
"
"since his appetite's gettin' disturbin',
and he's cursin' and nursin' his bourbon
when he's hangin' in bars,
and he's buyin' fast cars,
this ""ascetic"" should turn in his turban.
"
"a brassy young bugler named leo
was soloing o sole mio.
""an' a one, an' a two,""
he began, and then blew,
in a lively allegro con brio.
"
"i'm incessantly missing my zither,
guessing whether to seek it, and whither.
so, while weathering withering
blither, i'm dithering,
slithering hither and thither.
"
"a subliminal advert (""sublime!"")
has appeared for a very short time.
it so subtly suggests
i accede to requests
to buy popcorn that's dripping with slime.
"
"the wobbliest newly born calf
is not nearly so awkward, by half,
as that bottom-first landing
when babies try standing.
that's usually good for a laugh.
"
"a breathtaking beauty named beth
has a method for taking your breath.
as it's fatal to fail
to inspire and exhale,
she's employed by the angel of death.
"
"the bolding of text we'll explore,
if you'd wondered just what it was for.
this type-font convention
draws extra attention:
bolded text is too hard to ignore.
"
"when aries the ram has connected
with our nannies the ram has selected,
then your goats and my goats
contribute their zygotes,
but ""kids"" would be most unexpected.
"
"that murdered magician named max
was a victim of vicious attacks.
though the weapon's around,
it may never be found:
he was whacked with his vanishing axe.
"
"""a shillelagh!"" shrieked sheila, who spoke
as she cuddled a cudgel of oak.
but one poke at some folk
as a joke, and it broke:
what affliction one stroke can provoke!
"
"my boyfriend, a loser named zeus,
chooses fashions acutely obtuse:
all his suits are too loose,
and i see no excuse
for his ascots in pukiest puce.
"
"well behind your protuberant gut
these two prominent hemispheres jut.
when your rear's super-size,
are you prone to crack wise?
no, your comments are anything but.
"
"angelenos awaken each day,
breathing air either brownish or gray,
'til they wave ""see ya later!""
to the new governator
and high-tail it out of l.a.
"
"little boys (immature human males)
are composed of odd snippets and snails.
as i've heard that opined,
now i'm trying to find
more ingredients ... puppy dog tails!
"
"will lily and millie and tillie
all see it as daring and silly,
albeit too chilly,
to strip off their frilly
white undies and streak across philly?
"
"if you're teaching the crawl to your persian,
but your cat is resisting immersion,
i can show you a trick
with a bag and a brick,
overcoming her natural aversion.
"
"are you bound for a barrow to rot?
better mention it now if you're not.
we had sort of inferred
you'd be shortly interred
in your outstanding burial plot.
"
"the cow that i'm planning to brand
won't lie down in the sand on command.
fearing burns in her side
makes the cow want to hide.
could more hands from the ranch lend a hand?
"
"the light we describe as intense
gives off photons whose fluxion's immense,
putting zillions of quanta
as close as you wanta.
if you're brilliant, this makes perfect sense.
"
"the prince had ascended her keep,
where he found brier-rose fast asleep.
though the kiss was pure magic,
the outcome was tragic:
his highness zonked out in a heap.
"
"when a batter, gone mad as a hatter,
shatters crania flat as a platter,
it's better we scatter
than let him bespatter
his bat with our cranial matter!
"
"when her landlord got stricter and tricked 'er,
he discovered a clause to evict 'er.
as he started, ""no pet ...""
he got suddenly et
by her cuddlesome boa constrictor.
"
"you're a skeptical soul, doubting thomas,
but my story is truthful, i promise.
some explorer named marx,
touring african parks,
shot an elephant, wearing pajamas.
"
"according to shakespeare, a guy
who's anhungry is peckish for pie.
this obscure english word
solves a riddle: the third
with an ending that's spelled g-r-y.
"
"a beaver whose hearing had flaws
was a student of ancient greek laws.
""gnaw thyself,"" heard the beaver,
who, quite the believer,
philosophically chewed off his paws.
"
"when the townspeople bade him ""good knight,""
and requested a quest and a fight,
i'm appraised that this charmer
was braised in his armor
when the dragon requested a light.
"
"why's a tavern, i asked with a start,
like the sound of an elephant's fart?
well, the thunderous boom
has the sound of bah-room,
while the inn is a bar-room, in part.
"
"the time-line i'm living within
disappears when my mem'ries stretch thin.
though i seem to endure,
can i sleep and be sure
i'll awake in the very same skin?
"
"there's a trend: one particular gender
is more nurturing, caring and tender,
while the other might think
how to get you to drink
when he's mincing a frog in a blender.
"
"it's so boar-ing to live as a pig
so i'm tapping and learning to jig.
i'll wind up in new york?
not as pork on a fork?
forty-second street, making it big!
"
"elefino what animal's here,
though at first they appeared to be deer.
i'll just level my gun,
shoot the pokiest one,
and inspect it up close, where it's clear.
"
"the anatomist said with a smile,
""i'll beguile you with facts about bile!
here's its purpose: to bind
all the fats it can find,
once it's stored in a bladder awhile.""
"
"last autumn, he'd had a great fall,
'til humpty was pushed off a wall.
with his body in shambles,
the rescue team scrambles?
but, unseasoned, they're no help at all.
"
"some poor s.o.b., name of seth,
very nearly was frightened to death
when a bleb in his lung
unexpectedly sprung,
and resulted in shortness of breath.
"
"when you're sailing about in a boat,
and you're sailing in circles, please note:
if you care where you go,
do not launch your bateau
from the shores of a circular moat!
"
"the arachnid who went on a date
with miss muffet was somewhat irate:
it was hard to divine
from her picture on-line
that her limbs numbered four, and not eight.
"
"with these beetroots, what are we to do?
we could pickl'a particular few,
or make soup for a treat
(try some borsht. can't be beat)
with this root that would suit in a stew.
"
"a tory i've come to adore, he
loves bullfighting, bloody and gory.
though otherwise charmin',
he's whistle-ing carmen?
a most un-bull-ievable story.
"
"those apodes just crashed a toyota
through the front of my girlfriend's pagoda;
with no place to hide,
all the snakes trapped inside
sadly drowned in their favorite soda.
"
"i'm the spider that sat down beside
that miss muffet, who ran off and cried.
tried to pick the wench up
with an offer to sup.
what abashment! a blow to my pride!
"
"my barbecue's turning out lame;
i suspect that my butcher's to blame,
since he just might've told me
the bird that he sold me?
a phoenix?would rise from the flame.
"
"your passenger voiced an objection
that your map, upon closer inspection,
had been held upside down,
and beheld, with a frown,
your appellative tag, ""miss direction.""
"
"the audience, audibly awed,
saw the sword that we forged for that broad:
as a broadsword, it's wide,
with an edge on each side.
when she sings, they had better applaud.
"
"our bookkeeper looked so inept,
making errors in books that she kept,
though it's quite element'ry
to use double-entry
to make her technique more adept.
"
"those numbers go rumble-ing past,
every one slightly more than the last.
your wearisome theories
of infinite series
are making me bleary-eyed fast.
"
"there's plasma we plan on obtaining
from blood by the means we're explaining:
cells and fibrin we've got
are removed in a clot,
and blood plasma's the fluid remaining.
"
"obsessive-compulsives, untreated,
have ritual actions repeated.
behavior that drastic
is called anancastic,
and indicates problems, deep-seated.
"
"whenever a voice of authority
claims to speak for the silent majority,
is it merely a ruse?
an attempted excuse?
for ignoring a vocal minority?
"
"this old bloke eating pork out in york
kept on poking himself with a fork.
when we asked if it hurt,
he just asked for dessert,
and requested we lend him a spork.
"
"i hope you don't mind that we're quitters,
but those crawly things give us the jitters.
we'd like studying life
if it weren't so rife
with those darned biologic-type critters!
"
"with flair and a bit of flamboyance,
sibyl claire likes to practice clairvoyance,
though she's lately been irked
when her sight hasn't worked?
an increasingly common annoyance.
"
"have a patient you'd like to sedate?
then the anion bromide is great!
an alternative way?
find a boring clich?,
an old bromide you'd like to relate.
"
"whined the jolly green giant, ""i mean,
it ain't easy, y' know, being green.
in my field, i'm outstanding,
but my job's too demanding
to be done by a mere human bean.""
"
"when bonnie, a bonnie fine lass,
is a bunny, her costume seems crass:
silken rabbit-ears flare
from her tangle of hair,
while a cotton tail sits on her assets.
"
"if sisters were given their druthers,
they wouldn't have bothersome brothers
who scream and annoy
as they fight for a toy,
and persistently do unto others.
"
"you'd refuse their bestowal? a pity
just to leave it outside of the city.
are they really such sneaks,
all these gift-bearing greeks?
(though a greek-bearing gift seems so witty!)
"
"a breaker's a dohickey which is
automatically opening switches
when a powerful surge
puts it over the verge,
thus preventing electrical glitches.
"
"by lightning, the network was struck.
overloaded, with circuits amok,
all the breakers were blown,
and the relays were thrown.
an electrical blackout. oh, yuck.
"
"there are parasites foully infestin'
the spot where my food is digestin'.
now you're makin' me howl
by using a trowel
to clean out my bowel (intestine).
"
"though the groom was soon bedding his bride
near the spot where their knot had been tied,
only hours before,
she'd been playing the whore
with the boyfriend she saw on the side.
"
"some amazingly sensible fellow
took to wrestling in apricot jell-o.
as a practical dude,
it's his sole source of food:
now his body is stained orange-yellow!
"
"it expresses impressive success,
when it's idiomatic, unless
it's a word that's concerning
the pyro who's burning
a structure that farmers possess.
"
"he was caught selling pills to a narc
just outside of the school, in the park.
seems his past had been checkered,
and now on his record
he's added another black mark.
"
"just moments ere donna would don it,
she'd be checking for bees in her bonnet,
lest some curious thought
get her fraught and distraught
while she's busy obsessing upon it.
"
"holdingwordsintheirseparateplaces
arethecharactersknownasthespaces,
butwhenwordsarethisnear,
spacesjustdisappear,
simplyvanishingleavingnotraces.
"
"from a mustardy cabbage-shaped plant
come the brussels sprouts served by my aunt.
small and cute, looking great,
they appear on my plate;
but to actually eat them? ... i can't.
"
"supposin' you've frozen your toes
when you goes in the snows without clothes?
my intent's not to censure
your sense of adventure.
but brain damage?plainly it shows.
"
"anatomicomedical lasses
take comedic anatomy classes.
cut-up shtick for the brain
in a humerus vein
requires pratfalls on gluteal masses.
"
"if your blood lacks the usual ration
of albumin, because of mutation,
you can clearly survive?
there's whole fam'lies alive
of analbuminemic persuasion.
"
"the college enrolled an old skunk,
so no one's allowed to say ""stunk.""
instead, we emphatically
say ""aromatically
challenged,"" or else we might flunk.
"
"this pollywog (juvenile frog)
is a key ecological cog.
we're the world's resource hog:
so afflictive's our smog
we may kill every frog in this bog.
"
"it's a short-sighted species, the human,
so the death of the planet is loomin'.
yet that seems to suggest
how it's best to invest,
as the bomb-building business is boomin'.
"
"bought a cartridge of ink at the mall,
then bethought myself, ""did i recall
what's the right kind of ink?""
since i couldn't bethink,
now my printer's got
"
"even backward barbarians learn:
take attacking and looting in turn;
so, when sacking a village,
the hacking and pillage
precede undertaking to burn.
"
"i've gone backpacking, thoroughly sauced,
so i'm backtracking, thoroughly lost.
since the weight of that pack
caused a crick in my back,
i need back-cracking quick. hang the cost!
"
"a willow bark vendor named steve
had a pain he aspired to relieve.
now he's drawn his last breath?
sad to say?bled to death
on a splinter of bark, i believe.
"
"that couple's bemoaning their luck,
having trouble becoming unstuck.
though uncommonly supple,
they cannot uncouple
(his cab from the back of her truck).
"
"with wit, eighteen i's, with six g's,
went with n's, nineteen high, eighteen t's;
i get w's ten;
twinning x's twine, then
within ten s-h twins, nineteen e's.
"
"what an anaphrodisiac starts
to impart to your privatemost parts
is a quenching of fire:
there's lessened desire,
and departure of coital arts.
"
"""to be quick at addition,"" said brad,
""was the only ambition i had,
so i'd speedily come
to a plausible sum?
which was wrong, i should hasten to add.""
"
"when a cappable jar's getting capped,
whether apt to be screw-on or snapped,
then it's capable of
being closed from above,
so its captives get safely entrapped.
"
"a capable matador's cape,
fully able to ripple and drape,
hides the matador's sword,
which the bull has ignored,
getting gored in the other's escape.
"
"according to tooth-trading fairies,
the soundness of teeth sometimes varies:
some are wholly intact;
others holey and cracked:
on the whole, what they carry are caries.
"
"at dawning, i yawn and awaken.
from that smell, i can tell what you're makin'.
setting fire to the lard
renders thoroughly charred,
indigestible messes of bacon.
"
"""isn't romeo montague keen?""
gushed julie the capulet teen.
but their passion cost dear:
it was curtains, i fear,
by the end of the ultimate scene.
"
"a rat pack of high-rolling slackers
had a spat with their bankers and backers,
who'd been fronting the dough.
now the sponsors said no,
baccarat's cost them too many smackers.
"
"the readers i'll cheerfully thank
are the ones who can fill-in-the-blank:
_________________  (am i making it clear 
_________________  that your verses go here?)
never mind. 'twas a concept that stank.
"
"""hey, gar?on, come and look at my dish.
there is something all over my fish.""
""those are capers,"" said he,
""pickled flower buds, see?
and delish as a nosher could wish.""
"
"when i zipped through the zoo on a lark,
i remarked, ""how atypically stark!""
nothing stirred, not a hippo
nor bird?i mean zippo?
no typical trip to the park.
"
"the azygous vein is the final
one draining the right lumbar spinal
and area near it?
sounds queer when you hear it?
it's azygomediastinal.
"
"your heart rate was running much higher,
as your cardio workouts require.
so you failed to discern,
busy feeling the burn,
that your sweatpants were catching on fire.
"
"an accessory mineral's there
in amounts that are tiny and rare.
since it's not what you bore
for in mineral ore:
if it's present or not, you don't care.
"
"the unfortunate gambler confuses
his chances, so wagers he chooses
defy all the odds,
sorely tempting the gods,
so it's fate?in the cards?that he loses.
"
"mousie zig-zagged and scampered and ran,
yet as soon as the mouser began,
prey was doomed to be caught,
all his efforts for naught.
in the end, it was catch as cat can.
"
"advice to the lovelorn seems smart
in all matters concerning your heart,
all excepting the note
cardiologists wrote
and attached to your medical chart.
"
"when a circle rolls 'round in the plane,
'round the rim of another, obtain
from the trace of its path,
as they teach you in math,
epicycloids, a curve that's arcane.
"
"will wanda who wanders afield
with the weapons she'll skillfully wield
be so willowy-lithe
while she's swinging a scythe
that the grasses will willingly yield?
"
"since a feline is apt to forget
who's the master and who is the pet,
my cat, named catastrophe,
has caused a disastrophe?
the worst, most calamitous yet.
"
"the edge is alleged to be there,
where the scariest seafarers fare.
that abyss?mouth of hell,
where the sea monsters dwell?
only foolhardy hearties would dare.
"
"what do musical fishermen get
from the surf when they first cast a net?
can they pull from the swells
clapping ivory shells
for a musical instrument set?
"
"when i called up my agent, in fear
that my policy wasn't too clear,
his reply had me freaking:
actuarially speaking,
he explained i'd been dead for a year.
"
"my dessert, served al fresco, to start,
was a pie ? la mode, ? la carte.
my gar?on, named alphonse,
saw my tepid response.
""zut alors! here's a strawberry tarte.""
"
"with setbacks besetting my lover
and storm clouds collecting above her,
she shows her facility
for bouncebackability,
finding a way to recover.
"
"reproduction in fungi? two ways:
anamorph on asexual days,
wherein budding's the norm,
so condidia form,
unlike teleo's sexual phase.
"
"five verses ain't much to allot 'em,
and with lotsa blank space at the bottom,
i could add one or two,
and recite 'em fer yew,
if i hadn't jist gone an' fergot 'em. (dang!)
"
"no speaker were bleaker than spence,
whose inflections makes nearly no sense.
since his bent were to muff
accidentiary stuff,
moods and tenses be making him tense.
"
"here's a fact that you're apt to discover
when undressing your very first lover:
with her penchant for adding
strategical padding,
you can't judge a boob by its cover.
"
"when a buxom young bookseller hocks
all the books in her bookselling stocks,
then the bookselling sucks?
making buckets of bucks
isn't done selling books by the box.
"
"when his eyeballs grew blood-shot and ruddy,
i questioned my book-learned buddy,
""really what is it for,
all your precious book-lore,
when you use it for nothing but study?""
"
"is brilliance the stuff that you find
in a gem of the sparkliest kind,
or in sunlight that's caught
in a crystal, or thought
that's ker-plopped from a genius's mind?
"
"we ordered our drinks long ago,
but the service is hopelessly slow.
we'll more quickly imbibe
if we slip him a bribe?
some baksheesh. have ya got any dough?
"
"so frizzy is fritzi, y'know,
that she fixes her hair in a 'fro,
which she ties with a band,
so it doesn't expand,
and it flows where she wants it to go.
"
"those nudists are tough to ignore
when they're baggy and saggy and more.
neither buff, fit, nor trim,
they don't slim at the gym;
must they swim in the buff at the shore?
"
"try to muffle a buffalo's cough?
we'd prefer he'd go shuffling off,
for he's spreading diseases
whenever he wheezes
or sneezes (achoo!) in his trough.
"
"neither lender nor borrower be,
since the best things in life are all free.
could you really get by
blithely buying that lie?
we should blow all your money and see.
"
"a brigand who buried some treasure
thought to come dig it up at his leisure.
now he sees, with a frown,
that the trees have blown down
near the x he expected to measure.
"
"by the way, we'll be travelling my way:
an obscure and unfrequented by-way.
on a by-walk at dawn,
faraway and withdrawn,
we will by-pass the well-travelled highway.
"
"byzantium, city of thrace,
was aforetime in istanbul's place
on the banks of the bosporus,
busy and prosperous;
constantine made it his base.
"
"the bullish investor grows mulish,
watching stocks going up as-a-rule-ish.
his portfolio's biggish;
he's stubbornly piggish,
and holds after prices get foolish.
"
"you've the right not to blab when you're nicked,
since your words can be used to convict.
you've the right to a lawyer?
we're providing one for yer?
though you're stuck with the shyster we've picked.
"
"when a billy goat dated a filly,
and a mare, and an ass, willy-nilly,
he had seemed to aspire
to becoming the sire
of a unicorn. (wasn't that silly?)
"
"when boundedness questions arise,
they concern theoretical size:
if it goes on forever,
and terminates never,
it's boundless?our clever surmise!
"
"are you destined to dig in a ditch,
or is happenstance keeping you rich?
once you get what you've got,
you're a ""have"" or ""have-not"":
private ownership's great social glitch.
"
"looking up, arch your back as you kneel.
reach behind; rest a palm on each heel.
then your back further bows
'til your elbows repose
on the ground.  that's how camels must feel.
"
"define this? i really cannot,
and this verse will assist not-a-lot.
and i'll cheerfully grant
that the reason i can't
is that frankly i don't give a jot.
"
"in a fertilized egg's maturation,
ere a blastula starts gastrulation,
its developing poles
get dissimilar roles,
in a process that's called axiation.
"
"for the pigeon who's finishing third,
pretty good is the operative word.
even better is second,
but, near as we've reckoned,
the best is the tastiest bird! (urp!)
"
"ruth was seeking a photo, forsooth,
so we crowded ourselves in a booth.
since the aim was unsteady,
and ruth wasn't ready,
her comments got somewhat uncouth.
"
"a head filled with nothing, they say,
is in danger of drifting astray.
see?your braincase is full,
so that gravity's pull
stops your cranium's sailing away.
"
"when you served vegetarian turkey,
our aliment quickly turned quirky.
how much time should it take
for your oven to bake
sixteen pounds of a free-range tofurkey?
"
"when a venomous aname spider
bit miss muffet, the tuffet abider,
she distressingly died
from the toxins inside
of the spider that sat down beside her.
"
"though it's late, and past time that we went,
we're awaiting her royal consent.
once she deigns to bestow
her permission to go,
by her leave, we can leave this event.
"
"a grouchy old sea captain, lee,
with his vessel adrift in the sea,
tied a rope to a banker.
""i shan't be an anchor,""
cried the banker, ""can't anchor us, lee!""
"
"though its rhymes and its meter are lawful,
people think that this limerick's awful
'cuz there's nothing to cause 'em
to think that it's awesome
and e-mail their friends that they're rofl.
"
"at the bar, they inspected id:
no exceptions were made, by decree.
so they checked without fail
when she ordered spiced ale?
odd they'd card a mom aged 83.
"
"does your product give promised effects,
as your customer rightly expects?
are you wondering why
she's decided to buy
your competitor's product, brand x?
"
"my optics became amblyopic
and stopped being stereoscopic.
since precision's an issue
in visual tissue,
incision's the typical topic.
"
"he thinks that he'll study bryology,
a moss-centered branch of biology:
but by rolling some grass,
he gets stoned before class,
so he gathers no moss terminology.
"
"as i hold up the globe, i'm cravat-less;
though i dress to impress, i go hatless.
lost my cap, i regret,
as my head's getting wet,
sans chapeau, i'm emphatically atlas.
"
"since the dragon was draggin' its tail,
it seemed certain the knight couldn't fail,
but the beastie arose
breathing smoke through its nose,
and with fire in its eyes did prevail.
"
"this tragedy's plotline won't work
since the hero's a two-timing jerk:
hamlet acts quite the heel,
briefly copping a feel
before dropping ophelia?for dirk!
"
"an acute little triangle, claire,
gave up dating that square in despair.
it was really no use:
he was much too obtuse,
and too straight for a sordid affair.
"
"it's not pretty to sit in this city,
which is run by some standing committee
that has ways and has means,
mind-benumbing routines,
and a band of marines, more's the pity.
"
"when he's tossed for a loss that's so utter,
will the billy goat bitterly mutter,
""my defeat is complete?
i've been totally beat
by a goat who's a much better butter!""?
"
"the bloodbird that oftentimes sung
flitters by, gath'ring food for its young.
and it deftly devours
the nectar from flowers
by wielding its long hollow tongue.
"
"at the birth of poor bertha, she ailed,
and no remedy tried had availed.
baby bertha soon died,
bertha's father seth cried,
and her mother, poor willa, she wailed.
"
"""you've got ignorance?buckets to spare?
while your apathy's more than your share!""
with a shrug and a sigh
comes your airy reply,
""i don't know, and i don't really care!""
"
"a caver named dave got so brave
that he ventured too deeply to save.
then an underground cave-in
trapped spelunker dave in
a fathomless cavern. 'twas grave.
"
"you have boozed 'til you're thoroughly boozed,
so your order for more was refused.
there is little excuse
for your liquor abuse,
and your friends are no longer amused.
"
"""buddhasana, seated,"" i told her,
""puts your calf 'cross the back of your shoulder.
clasp your hands right behind it
to hold it and bind it.""
(gets harder the more i grow older.)
"
"the typesetter keeps every brace,
every space, and each letter in place.
that compositor knows
where each capital goes:
in the upper-most drawer, just in case.
"
"when i chanced upon poor mother hubbard,
teary streaks left her cheeks all beblubbered.
seems her dog had a fit?
snarled a curse, up and quit?
finding nary a bone in her cupboard.
"
"please explain why the opposite sex
rarely acts in the way one expects.
'iggins mainly complains
that the feminine brain's
so bewild'ringly strange and complex.
"
"the patient was heard to lament
and bewail what he just underwent.
he regrets his approval
for organ removal
and bemoans his wholehearted consent.
"
"we hail to the president?chief?
in the hope that his tenure be brief:
that he'll do little harm,
then retire to his farm:
cincinnatus's civic belief.
"
"carcinomas we seek to control
may need hormones, which furthers our goal.
to inhibit aromatase
in a breast carcinoma case
is the whole of anastrozole's role.
"
"a mosquito alights on a pond,
unconcerned with what's lurking beyond.
""just an ugly old carp,""
shrugs the bug, none too sharp.
busy chewing, the fish can't respond.
"
"my cat is remarkably chary
of accepting a wish from that fairy,
with no clue how she plans
to pry open the cans
from that cannery. (she said, ""canary"".)
"
"alas for that old scottish nanny,
hiding cash in each nook and each cranny.
when she died, in the end,
and her ghost couldn't spend
what she'd cached, that seemed rather un-canny.
"
"when i planned my vacation to ski,
my thermometer read 23,
but the slope where i go
wasn't covered by snow,
since the temperature scale was in c.
"
"since the candidate's gone down aflame
(though his party was partly to blame),
he has rudely been banished
(or has prudently vanished)
to a province too woeful to name.
"
"an attorney named curt went to court
in defense of a tort of some sort:
he wrote briefs far too long,
but appeared in a thong,
wearing briefs too excessively short.
"
"to divide up an apple and pear
so that everyone garnered her share?
we were quite at a loss
'til we cooked them as sauce,
yielding portions impeccably fair.
"
"barehanded, you're fighting a bear?
there are claws on its paws, you're aware?
i was recently pawed
by a panda named claude?
or the other way 'round? couldn't swear.
"
"the cafe where the bear took a seat
has decreed that the barefoot can't eat:
""no shoes, then no service""
is making him nervous,
as he's wearing two pair of bear feet.
"
"i fail to define what i feel,
as my koi has become someone's meal!
what so heartless and cold fish
has eaten my goldfish?
some alli-gar, pike-fish or eel.
"
"as marie antoinette's final meal,
when the guillotine's shadow was real,
for the words that she spake,
did they let her eat cake
on the grounds of the fortress bastille?
"
"baltic avenue's ready for sale,
but monopoly dice sometimes fail.
seems i'm headed for troubles:
consecutive doubles
have sent me directly to jail.
"
"a donkey is teaching our class
every day how to bray like an ass.
he's astuter, they're saying,
than most tutors of braying.
with shrewdness, we're hoping to pass.
"
"when anthracotherapy's used,
it stops toxins before they've diffused
from digestive location
to blood circulation.
(""swallow charcoal? may i be excused?!"")
"
"upon falling of darkness, benighted,
we were left with our pathway unlighted.
no lamp? 'twas an error.
deep woods. deep in terror:
unsighted, too rightly affrighted.
"
"a frog in a bog just awoke
and discovered he'd suffered a stroke.
will assistance arrive
when he's dead or alive?
either way, seems he's destined to croak.
"
"when hannah, whose yellow bandanna
is the hue of a ripened banana,
has arrived in a room,
she dispels all the gloom:
she's the sunniest gal in montana!
"
"a whinny from winnie the horse
is a verse we're averse to endorse,
as her meter and rhyme
fail to scan half the time.
does she versify? nay. neigh, of course.
"
"sniffed a formula one racing star,
""autognosis is better, by far,
than pedestrian knowledge
they teach you in college.
it means, i believe, know thy car!""
"
"she abides on the floor of the ocean,
kept alive by a magical potion.
with the shape of a whale
from her waist to her tail,
she's a benthic enchantment in motion.
"
"ought josephine, feeling all randy,
to have brought her napoleon brandy?
would his spirits have lifted
if lovingly gifted
with old liquor the empress kept handy?
"
"every man has beliefs he holds dear,
where his faith is unshakably clear.
my belief is devout,
with no shadow of doubt:
i believe that i'll order more beer.
"
"while spelunking, i got quite a scare,
when i chanced on an animal's lair.
i had squeezed though a crack,
but was taken aback
finding barely 'nuff room for the bear.
"
"if your pockets are not very deep,
baltic avenue's price isn't steep:
sixty dollars to buy?
but you have to ask ""why?""
since its four-dollar rent is so cheap.
"
"you've got only yourself to be blamin'
if you're lost near the magnum foramen:
at the base of the skull,
the opisthion's dull,
so the basion point's where we're aimin'.
"
"anaphia's lack of sensation.
you're anaptic, to doc's consternation.
anaesthesia to touch
shouldn't please ya too much,
so you're under prolonged observation.
"
"our athlete, a high-jumping star,
was performing a bit below par
after drinking for sport;
now i'm sad to report
that he's coming up short of the bar.
"
"all the demons who shrieked at me vied,
too insanely inflamed to subside.
they had fires to sustain
in the gyres of my brain,
while my angels tried vainly to hide.
"
"wild 'gators alleging a tort
had to hightail it right out of court.
they had filed accusations
with wild allegations?
the sort allegators report.
"
"will angels go forth on the earth
to herald the forthcoming birth
with the blast of a horn
when that litter is born?
do you know what those puppies are worth?
"
"the mediastinal geography
was charted with vein radiography.
venous blockage revealed
where a tumor's concealed
in this process we call azygography.
"
"a bumblebee, glumly gone slumming,
finding hummingbirds' hum un-bee-coming,
sang, ""i humbly bee-seech you,
permit me to teach you
the words, as your humming's bee-numbing!""
"
"what appears apodeictically true
and self-evident-seeming?to you?
is entirely wrong,
as we knew all along,
since you haven't a shred of a clue.
"
"the speed of a photon is vast,
and, according to some, unsurpassed,
since it travels each second,
as near as i've reckoned,
point three billion meters.  that's fast.
"
"the king of the merpeople's daughter
finds concealment near bodies of water.
she can mystically hide
'midst the mist and the tide,
so we've missed her whenever we've sought her.
"
"some children don't care that you're tired
when their toys come ""assembly required,""
and depending on whether
you've screwed them together,
you'll find you're reviled or admired.
"
"the crash of that big corporation
caused my beggaring (pauperization).
since i pressed to invest,
it has left me distressed,
with my pockets in need of donation.
"
"if your steed in his course you would alter,
then be steadfast in force; do not falter.
if your stallion's not fit
with a bridle and bit,
opt for halting the horse with a halter.
"
"the sound of the waves as they pound
on the beaches of long island sound,
rolling 'round and around,
make the sadness profound,
recollecting the night that you drowned.
"
"you've been casing your water supply,
and discovered the place is bone dry.
since this wide-open space is
without an oasis,
you're facing the place that you'll die.
"
"bambini are yearlings or tots,
and we smiles when we sees them a lots;
but they leaves us aghast,
ever growing too fast.
soon they're teens, and we just wants to plotz.
"
"just imagine the roman god, janus,
with two fronts and no back?and no anus.
so aproctous a god
seems impractically odd:
what would so much redundancy gain us?
"
"will this cave be our grave? not a clue.
we've been dropped by a bat somewhere new.
we are lost, with no compass,
while hunting a wumpus,
and fear we'll get et by a grue.
"
"""a disaster!"" my
candid reaction
to the cinema's coming attraction.
i'd enjoy a typhoon,
or a lovely monsoon:
now destruction is quite the distraction.
"
"when i boarded your craft from a raft,
i discovered it's staffed by the daft:
needing terms that denote
""towards the stern of a boat"",
i inquired, but your crewmen just laughed.
"
"acetyl coa is required
when a two-carbon fragment's desired:
biosyntheses that
make a steroid or fat
have such two-carbon transfers hard-wired.
"
"saw a bluebottle fly here and there:
gimcrack shiny, it danced in the air.
had 'im cornered for sure
near a pile of manure.
(gimcrack cornered? but why would i care?)
"
"when a buzzard got stuck in a blizzard,
he discovered no duckling nor lizard,
and dejectedly saw
he would starve ere a thaw,
which just stuck in his craw and his gizzard.
"
"those gefilte fish blobs that you serve
on your catering jobs take some nerve,
as you're boiling up gobs
of gelatinous globs,
which you offer the nobs as hors d'oeuvres.
"
"a creature of night is poor audrey,
whose behavior's increasingly tawdry.
her life has a dearth
of true baudery (mirth)
while pursuing the practice of bawdry.
"
"a multi-legg'd creature was seen,
sprouting wires from its ears?a machine?
then it put down its tripod
and took off its ipod,
leaving merely a bipedal teen.
"
"when extraneous vowels appear
in the midst of the phrases you hear,
anaptyxis occurs
when the speaker prefers
talking this-a-way. cryst-a-lly clear?
"
"autognosis is not new at all:
it's an ancient greek rallying call.
know thyself's not socratic,
but axiomatic:
in delphi, 'twas writ on the wall.
"
"as our catapult's ball, with a smack,
strikes the stones of their wall, will it crack?
on behalf of our liege,
we surround and besiege
'til their fortresses fall to attack.
"
"if the chef makes his blowfish with care,
then your dinner's divine if you dare
take a chance that you'll suffer
and die from the puffer.
if he blows it, you haven't a prayer.
"
"off to bed in the winter we go,
but our shutters are broken, and so
winds blow in, and they spread
o'er our covers in bed
frosty blanketlike layers of snow.
"
"a bum who was stumbling around
found a tumbler of rum on the ground.
when he bent down and nicked it,
accidentally kicked it!
""what a bumbler!"" he grumbled and frowned.
"
"if you ever endeavor to mow,
wear your footwear wherever you go:
there's a price to be paid
if you slice with a blade,
and uncleverly sever a toe.
"
"they amass when i open the door:
little hairballs that roll 'round the floor.
since my girlfriend, big betty,
is really a yeti,
and shaving her armpits? a chore!
"
"a two-hump-ed camel, you'll find,
gives you someplace to park your behind.
but it's hard not to slide
from the back or the side
when your ride is that one-hump-ed kind.
"
"i was bakin' an' taken aback
when the bacon fell off of the rack,
so the cake i was makin'
soon tasted of bacon.
mmmmmmm, bacon-a-cake?what a snack!
"
"that catgut might rightly belong
where you're needing a string to be strong.
when you put your request in
for twisted intestine,
your suturing never goes wrong.
"
"on my sill, silver siamese sat.
that's a blueblood aristo-type cat.
with their air of disdain,
they surveyed their domain,
barely deigning to reign, until . . . scat!
"
"what the poet would hope to define
by the end of the ultimate line
is a picture he paints,
though within the constraints
of a limerick's meter and?uh, rhine.
"
"the government's bills, it's been hinted,
will be paid for with bills that they've printed,
out of government tills
filled with billions of bills
and the millions of coins that they've minted.
"
"when our cook went to look through the bookery,
she discovered 'mong corners and nookery
what she surely mistook
for a cookery book,
hence, these underdone crows from the rookery.
"
"the billiard balls carved in the past
out of ivory leave me aghast,
so the ones in my closets
were formed  from composites
like bonzoline, pressed and not cast.
"
"the thief had imagined his theft,
grabbing silver and gold, right and left,
but his outcome was grievous,
as the thief's ambilaevous,
with neither hand terribly deft.
"
"in our abbey, the crabbiest feller
likes to dine with fine wine from our cellar.
since becoming a monk,
he gets drunk as a skunk,
though the vintage, he hints, isn't stellar.
"
"you're furtively stealing a glance
at that dancer whose dancing enchants,
giving nary a thought
to the girl that you'd brought,
who's just sitting there, looking askance.
"
"our congress has gotten so brash
that it hardly makes much of a splash
when some pork-barrel bill
that they've passed on the hill
has us shelling out barrels of cash.
"
"a bull, either barney or bernie,
who fell off of a hospital gurney,
can't be off smelling flowers
during bill-a-bull hours.
(he retained a malpractice attorney.)
"
"to fathom the depths of the sea
takes a mariner deeper than me.
i survey from the strand,
but can scarce understand
whether basin or bight this bay be.
"
"as we're wending our way though the wold,
little alice won't do as she's told:
apt to stray from her class,
she will wander, alas,
to be lost in the woods, in the cold.
"
"how long would our biosphere last
if the sun should explode in a blast?
we'd be caught unaware,
having nary a care
until eight point three minutes had passed.
"
"every two thousand years, you'll commence
throwing parties at awesome expense.
but i don't want to wait?
i'll be dead on the date
of your big bimillennial events.
"
"some boob was caressing her breast?
didn't wait 'til she first acquiesced.
she awoke to discover
her unwanted lover?
who's currently under arrest.
"
"he's a blacksmith with iron in hands:
'neath the shade of a chestnut, he stands.
in the forge, he will heat it,
then hammer to beat it,
with sinews of iron-like bands.
"
"every second, a female gives birth,
dropping babies for all that she's worth.
though her birthrate's impressive,
it's hardly excessive:
those insects lay claim to the earth.
"
"my mother appraised the surprise
just announced by astronomy guys.
since she lacked an ingredient,
my very expedient
mother just served us nothing.
"
"does your lens have the curve of a sphere?
the result's either fuzzy or clear.
partly sharp, partly blurred?
astigmatic's the word.
let's forget it and focus on beer.
"
"judge victor's last obiter dictum
had some casual comments that ticked 'em.
so they fetched their constrictor
and angrily sicced 'er
on victor, the snake's latest victim.
"
"know the pose where the cobra arose?
lift your chest from the ground; point your toes.
with each breath that you take,
arch your back like a snake
poised to strike?bhujangasana pose!
"
"a pigeon who flew with a band on
ditched his mission much sooner than planned on:
he exclaimed, ""what the heck,
there's a carrier deck,
and i'm looking for something to land on!""
"
"a simple approach to my diet:
if it's made out of sugar, i'll buy it!
either hand's just as deft
noshing sweets right and left,
ambi-dextrose-ly?i can't deny it.
"
"we were thinking of drinking our fill
at the neighborhood tavern and grill,
but the service was poor,
so we walked out the door
without paying the bar tab (our bill).
"
"on the seas by the barbary coast,
seems these brigands were hated the most.
although gunships might thunder,
swift corsairs could plunder,
as barbary pirates would boast.
"
"the borehole we drill in the soil
requires patience and skill as we toil.
and our rig's never still:
we keep digging until
we're fulfilled by the thrill of new oil.
"
"here are battercakes made to be dry:
our omitting the eggs eggsplains why.
put some cornmeal, sans yeast,
on a stone that's ungreased;
add some water and salt, and then fry.
"
"a bowler named callie o'malley,
who'd been hanging around in an alley,
felled the pins with her ball,
and, by toppling them all,
added striking amounts to her tally.
"
"her boyfriend had promised to gift her
with something designed to uplift her.
she expected a tome
or a song or a poem?
but that shape-shifting bra simply miffed her.
"
"""it's not odd when a dog and a plant elope,""
claimed the collie who married a cantaloupe.
""wifie's preggers with, maybe,
a melon-collie baby,
so she's home with my uncle and antelope.""
"
"since these heroes think rest is appealing,
they look down at the ground as they're kneeling.
overhead, arms extend,
stretching spines end to end:
adho mukha virasana's feeling.
"
"the universe (finite, not bounded)
as a concept has simply astounded
any folks who allege
that we'll fall off the edge,
disbelieving the firmament's rounded.
"
"inscribing a circle, you'll heed
these instructions on how to proceed:
once each angle's bisected,
those lines are connected,
constructing the center you'll need.
"
"from acetoacetyl coa,
we'll get four-carbon compounds all day.
thioesters like these
can be broken with ease:
biosynthesis cranking away.
"
"barely bearable hearing these two:
they're my forebears, named smokey and pooh.
one's a bear, he maintains,
having too little brains,
while the other repeats, ""only you!""
"
"we geometers try to divine
when our tangles of angles align,
so we'll stick to our plan, gents,
avoiding those tangents,
awaiting a positive sine.
"
"vitus bering?or so he's averring?
feeds his cat so it never stops purring.
""though it's narrow, this strait,
our exploring must wait!
we're deferring while herring are stirring!""
"
"a grizzled old tomcat recalls
how he'd catapult over the falls,
then go barreling down,
while he tried not to drown.
little doubt that that pussy had balls!
"
"a dog owner might want to hold
a traditional party, i'm told:
a bark mitzvah for ruff,
serving liver and stuff,
shouting, ""muzzle tov! thirteen years old!""
"
"a bug who was struggling to climb
became wrapped in the sap of a lime.
now trapped in mid-clamber,
the climber's in amber,
a fossil of paleo time.
"
"yup, catsup's a matter of taste;
it's a gooey tomatoey paste.
and you risk that a lot'll
dump out of the bottle
if you thump on the bottom in haste.
"
"that arabian camel whose hump
was the size of an elephant's rump?
since her last liposuction
(elective reduction)
it's down to a lemon-sized lump.
"
"your pleadings we hereby refuse,
so you'll burn at the stake for your views:
your opinion's heretical?
anapologetical
apostasy none can excuse.
"
"when a calculist's hot in pursuit
of a slope, an extremum, or root,
what differentiates him
from the dumb and the dim
is the means to astutely compute.
"
"taking brunch on the branch of our tree,
sat old corvus and robin and me.
though in pussy's attack,
feathers flew, red and black,
we've a neat pile of fur. come and see.
"
"my mem'ry's a fleeting illusion,
tossed about on a sea of confusion.
i'm upset, and regret
that i'm apt to forget
what i'd planned for this limerick's ending.
"
"as you lie in resplendent repose,
with a bee but an inch from your nose,
you are busy ignoring
that buzzing (it's boring!)
and asking for serious woes.
"
"a bonnet could sit on your head,
skirt a sail, or trap fishies instead.
it could perch on a lorry?
a whole 'nuther story?
or turn grass into milk in a shed.
"
"a coral, named carol, related
how the amorphozoa she dated
made profound social blunders,
were all gutless wonders,
and sponged all her cash, which she hated.
"
"two conceptual approaches avail
for progressions in level and scale:
top-down first depends
on detecting the trends;
bottom-up starts involved with detail.
"
"i wanna just let out a howl:
""you've purchased another damn vowel?!
i'd buy you a muzzle
and solve the damn puzzle!""
i'm re_dy t_ thr_w in the t_wel.
"
"two serpents, named brendan and brandon,
filing lawsuits with reckless abandon,
slithered slickly in court,
while alleging some tort,
but still lost, having no leg to stand on.
"
"the card sharks who likely grow fat
feed the kitty, and favor the cat,
since a bet on a mouse
tends to favor the house;
and the folk who go broke back a rat.
"
"when you're raised in the land of the bard,
using kilogram-meters is hard.
such a measure's unknown
when accustomed to ""stone"",
or expecting ""pound-fortnights-per-yard"".
"
"playing ""catch"" with a bottle is risky:
it's a game for the whimsically frisky.
back and forth, you would throw it,
'til?wouldn't you know it??
you'd find yourself covered in whiskey.
"
"as a confident spelling bee speller,
peg could spell any word that befell her,
if it started with ""b"",
and it ended ""e-e"".
no, that's not what you meant. you should tell her.
"
"if catching your plane's on your planner,
don't act in an airheaded manner:
suspicious in mien
at the x-ray machine;
yelling, ""hi, jack!"" right next to the scanner.
"
"aesthetically, esther spread plaster;
she was fast, but the plaster fell faster.
in the bath and the halls,
there are holes in the walls:
it's a total aesthetic disaster.
"
"the colt saw the bolt, senses heightened,
when the heavens abruptly had brightened.
so he risked being jolted,
and suddenly bolted
through unbolted doors, sorely frightened.
"
"a magnet named maggie confessed
she'd been moody and growing depressed,
but she swings to extremes:
look how manic she seems!
she's bipolar, you've probably guessed.
"
"""carpe diem!"" you'd carp, for good measure,
interrupting the leisure i treasure.
now i daily get seizures
of guilt when my leisure's
the subject of all your displeasure.
"
"we are sadly discovering flaws
in our knowledge of prosody's laws.
wracked with doubt, lacking sinew,
we're loath to continue:
that caesura? || it might give us pause.
"
"'twixt the branches i lift to the sky,
there's a poetess trying to fly.
but one stiff autumn breeze
while she's lying in trees,
and she'll die in the fall, by and by.
"
"to the smelliest fellows give thanks
for the stenches in trenches and tanks.
but in cavalry forces,
the sources are horses?
the reason it reeks in the ranks.
"
"on a clipper asea on the deep,
we are clipping and shearing a sheep.
but the hold is so full;
won't she stop making wool?
i can tell ewe that shipping's not cheap.
"
"the atomic electron appears
in the music a physicist hears:
the harmonics of strings
forming orbital rings
in a kepler-like music of spheres.
"
"empty words in abundant supply?
it's the mantra you hear when you fly.
disembarking the plane,
there it goes, once again:
it's ""buh-bye"" and ""buh-bye"" and ""buh-bye"".
"
"a catenary curve, we explain,
is the shape of a uniform chain
when it's hung from its ends:
thus suspended, it bends
in an arc that is slightly arcane.
"
"a marksman i sadly am not,
but paint in abundance i've got.
once discovered, my tactic
seems anticlimactic:
draw a bull's-eye around every shot.
"
"rosy fingerprints crossing the skies?
from aurora, the dawn, i surmise?
make this day seem too red,
so i'll stay in my bed
with my coverlet over my eyes.
"
"one event's an essential foundation
for another one's realization:
those events would connect
as a cause and effect?
their relationship's one of causation.
"
"first they glow in a row, as they're blessed.
then they shine in a line, eight abreast.
then eventually smoulder
when spent in their holder,
so the wicked can finally rest.
"
"in the pet shop i stopped as i shopped,
but that floppy-eared pup had been chopped:
ears and tail had been lopped,
and his hair had been cropped,
leaving too little dog to adopt.
"
"the mellowest fellow i've met,
having swallowed a rat on a bet,
had allowed, as he died
from the chomping inside,
that it might have been something he et.
"
"to the candlestick maker's we hike,
for ornate candelabra we like,
so each candle can shine
while it sits in a line,
holding fast to a socket or spike.
"
"you've remembered the words to the song,
so your guess isn't very far wrong:
putting wheels on a chest
for munitions, you've guessed,
lets those caissons go rolling along.
"
"the randiest candlestick maker,
a bawdy, licentious risk-taker,
shouted, ""rub-a-dub-dub!""
as he leapt in a tub
with a butcher, three maids, and a baker.
"
"i'd fashioned a case for my javelin,
to carry the thing when i'm travellin';
but the tip of my spear
caused a rip to appear,
so stand clear, just in case it's unravellin'.
"
"look! there is one working now:
a water ox pulling a plow.
while i'm here in malaysia
(a country in asia),
i'll ask, ""how now, brown carabao?""
"
"when i go for my boulevard stroll,
the parisians consider it droll:
barely space in the street
for my giant clown feet
that persistently wobble and roll.
"
"when our vascular pain doth affright us,
we're informed that its name's angiitis,
which is aptly perverse,
since it's angie the nurse
diagnosing our curse, vasculitis.
"
"of late, i've been wondering why
my calculator hasn't run dry,
since by pressing those widgets,
i waste lots of digits,
exhausting my number supply.
"
"when your heavenly sentence is passed,
and your number is up, at the last,
has your future been sealed,
to be later revealed?
will you die when the die has been cast?
"
"that pyro, some arsonist hick,
played a sick and despicable trick:
overwhelmed by his craze,
lit his sister ablaze.
someone git the extinguisher, quick!
"
"would dawn, with her fingers of pink,
partickerly care what i think?
just in case, i should try,
""what a beeee-eautiful sky!""
so her light doesn't go on the blink.
"
"when a mother and father have mated,
their offspring are frequently fated
to bother each other,
like sister and brother,
who wish they'd been born unrelated.
"
"as you kneel on the ground, slowly bow;
rest the weight of your head on your brow.
with your knees spreading wide,
and your arms to each side,
breathe in child's pose (balasana) now.
"
"i've heard where you're planning to go, man,
yet?i think there's a fact you should know, man:
when you're taking the push
up the old hindu kush,
you could meet the abominobinob-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ble snowman!
"
"in the west, one should never neglect,
as a gesture considered correct,
to uncover one's head
while rememb'ring the dead?
going bareheaded out of respect.
"
"your relationship therapist, vic,
wants your eyeballs impaled on a stick.
ask him why, he'll reply,
""so you'll see eye-to-eye
when agreement's a difficult trick.""
"
"my daisy, at first, was intact,
every petal well backed by a bract.
now my love loves me not,
and my bloom's not so hot:
rack and ruin in one petulant act.
"
"yo' mama the llama's got class,
sitting back on her andean ass
'til you're hungry to munch.
she says, ""alpaca lunch,""
and then gives you a box full of grass.
"
"when they claimed that a camel ain't pretty,
they were tryin' too hard to sound witty.
so the beast got maligned
when they cruelly opined
it's a horse that's designed by committee.
"
"a committee of camels opined
that the watchmaker should have designed
a more well-behaved human,
and went away fumin',
""he musta been outta his mind!""
"
"a villainous vole full of guile
stole a vial of gold with a smile,
which he hid in his hole
on the slopes of a knoll,
in the hopes they'd accept his denial.
"
"when you follow an elephant's butt
through the jungle, this rumble is what
you would hear from the herd?
borborygmic's the word
for the sounds from an elephant's gut.
"
"bughouse chess is a game that confuses,
since each piece that your chess-partner loses
can appear on your board
in your enemy's horde,
nearly anywhere legal he chooses.
"
"to investigate, this way and that,
she comes stealthily soft, pit-a-pat.
curiousity-filled,
she's regrettably killed?
so in pace, let requies cat.
"
"on the planet of betelgeuse prime,
astrophysicists scribble in rhyme;
they perversely insist
matter doesn't exist
between each discrete quantum of time.
"
"in a bonzery, bronzed by the sun,
we encountered a lamaist nun.
ceremonial dress
had adorned this bonzess,
who was happy to bless every one.
"
"you needn't be snappin' and scoffin',
and rappin' my sleepin' so often.
'twuz time for my nappin',
but accidents happen,
like trappin' myself in that coffin.
"
"the student they loved to harass
had the boniest assets, alas.
but with surgery (plastic),
she turned out fantastic:
the bonniest lass in the class.
"
"that post office worker's a jerk
from the pressures he's feeling at work.
he can no longer hide
all his feelings inside:
any moment he might go berserk!
"
"as you value my counsel the most,
i'd advise you to head for the coast.
if we stay here instead,
i'll be losing my head,
and your heinie, your highness, is toast!
"
"is that house down the street where that ho be?
it's that house made of mud and adobe.
she a girl who say ""yes""
t'almos' any reques',
so on payday you knows where old joe be.
"
"that goldilocks vandal should pay!
she's behaved in a scandalous way,
being rude to those poor bears.
that cub and his forebears
showed too much forbearance, i'd say.
"
"how to play ""blindworm's bluff""? here's the deal:
say you're legless and smooth, like an eel.
now assume that you're blind.
as you squirm, intertwined,
you identify playmates by feel.
"
"as the girls wander by where he sits,
that old birdwatcher's keeping his wits.
with binoculars trained
at the trees, he explained
to those birds what he meant by ""nice tits!""
"
"the weather was well in the eighties
on the banks of the river euphrates,
when we watched, to our shock,
something eating a croc:
'twas some serpentine servant of hades!
"
"said the rapturous rat, ""i can't wait
'til we capture that cat that i hate.
we'll go kidnapping, cat-trapping,
catching her catnapping,
aptly with catnip for bait.""
"
"though our maginot line of defense
was constructed at major expense,
it shows absense of bonsense?
a surfeit of nonsense
that simply defies common sense.
"
"my vassals are building a castle:
hereabouts, its redoubts cost a passel.
but in fact, if we're thwacked,
or besieged and attacked,
it's undoubtedly worth all the hassle.
"
"when an irishman, paddy o'gratin,
hears his food tastes a wee bit like cotton,
he's as quick as you please
adding sauce full of cheese,
though as often as not, it's still rotten.
"
"when bathers parade though the parish
in swimsuits excessively barish,
and they shortly die frozen
from over-exposin',
the headlines are suitably garish.
"
"categorically, cats'll refuse
any food that should fail to amuse:
if it doesn't delight,
they've an absolute right
to be picky and eat what they choose.
"
"though i'm moral, a bit humanistic,
altruistic and idealistic,
since i don't take too kindly
to following blindly,
thank god i was raised atheistic.
"
"an orator, straight from decatur,
used to state no debater was greater.
being glib and distinguished?
the cunningest linguist?
she'd beaten a master debater.
"
"in a plight after plighting her trow
to a hundred new beaux in a row,
she has yet to confess
how she loves to say yes,
which not one of her boys seems to know.
"
"when a speedy reaction's your goal,
and your stuff's catalytic in role,
small amounts are enough:
though reactive, the stuff
that you've added comes back, mole for mole.
"
"when a sun-loving tree was a flop
in its race for the canopy top,
it would die in the shade
that a taller one made?
a darwinian war without stop.
"
"""both capitates fractured!"" he groans,
""and my lunates and pisiform bones;
in particulars, my multangulars,
my naviculars and triangulars,
and my hamates are damaged,"" he moans.
"
"archetypical archetypes feel
like my perfect platonic ideal.
but collective mankind
sends my jungian mind
the reminder, ""c'mon, keep it real!""
"
"quantum clowns with half-integer spin
must be different from all of their kin.
but a boson, alone,
is a clown you can clone
to be bozo's identical twin.
"
"a tutor who tutored a tooter
kept on tooting, which drove us to shoot her.
we explained to the cop:
""but she just wouldn't stop!
what alternative method would mute her?""
"
"yet another ballade? oh my god,
that french poetry's dreadfully odd.
its envoi to the prince,
i've discovered long since,
makes me cringe, flinch, and wince . . . and malade.
"
"butterfingered habitual spiller
left her not enough breakfast to fill her.
he's the clumsiest ox,
knocking over the box:
little brother, the cereal killer.
"
"when my sister eileen makes a scene,
it's too hard to fight back, since she's mean.
since i'm pissed by her rant,
i'd resist 'er, but can't:
standing up to my sister, i lean.
"
"cantabrigian cantors delight
canting sidewards and back every night.
when they're suitably deft,
they can chant canting left.
if they can't, then they're left canting right.
"
"balladeers are completely insane:
they repeat themselves time and again.
every stanza they play
ends the same stupid way,
and i wish they would kindly refrain.
"
"oh captain, my captain, it's true:
you have gone to your rest in the blue,
so we'll never more see
you appear on tv
in the mornings. farewell, kangaroo.
"
"i hadn't intended to harm a
mosquito that lit on my arm a
couple minutes ago,
but she died from the blow
when ahimsa proved weaker than karma.
"
"for the company's owner, surprise
when competitors newly arise,
since it's so darn expensive
and capital-intensive
building factory plants of that size.
"
"clean living accounts for why benny'll
survive to his birthday centennial.
he would celebrate now,
but he doesn't know how.
who will come to his party?  not many'll.
"
"in the midst of my mean game of scrabble
on the biblical tower of babel,
mass confusion occurred,
so my game-winning word
scored no points from that babbling rabble.
"
"the premier guessed to dress for success
in his best ceremonial dress.
he'd appear more impressive,
in gear less excessive,
were his government less of a mess.
"
"on a molecule, turn up the heat,
and its thermal absorption's discrete,
with translations, rotations,
bond-bending vibrations,
bond stretching, and torsions replete.
"
"lexicographers opt to accost
malapropic old caesar, who's lost.
with the river behind him,
they try to remind him
a lexicon cannot be crossed.
"
"the membrane designed to divide
extracellular stuff from inside
does exceedingly well
at defining the cell
with a border two molecules wide.
"
"""are your limerick's meager five lines,""
as a lexicon writer opines,
""quite enough to be gleaning
the subtlest meaning
of words that it claims it defines?""
"
"he's a calamist: one of the breed
that plays on a pipe with a reed,
not a columnist whose
calamitous views
include calumnies meant to mislead.
"
"when a certain physician named burton
ascertained that you're certainly hurtin',
he implied, to be sure,
that he'll try for a cure,
but the outcome, at best, isn't certain.
"
"oregonians' stock explanation
for the growth of their state's population:
that an easier drive,
once they opened route 5,
led to burgeoning californication.
"
"said my crony, a phony-baloney,
who was served with the boniest coney,
""this has so little meat
there's too little to eat!""
and declared he would rather eat pony.
"
"will archie the architect tire
of designing his spires ever higher?
archie, roguish and sly,
gives his archest reply:
""such a height is required to inspire!""
"
"in their folly, invaders were raiding,
with the volleys they traded pervading,
'til they ran out of shot
for their cannons?forgot
they should plan for a lot, cannonading.
"
"my auntie diluvian's peeve:
she's so ancient it's hard to conceive.
she remembers the ark,
but?in contrast so stark?
she forgets us whenever we leave.
"
"i'm your typical dirty old man,
into browsing those sites from japan.
but my wife checked the cache
and discovered the stash.
i was nailed: it was catch-as-cache-can.
"
"in the back of the book, sneak a peek
at the problem solutions you seek.
if deterred by your task,
there's a nerd you can ask:
meet your date, ""trigonometry geek"".
"
"as my farm grew increasingly grassful,
my ass got exceedingly massful.
he's a fatfuller beast
since his feast has increased,
but i still need to feed him an assful.
"
"what pointless objectives we've sought!?
lost causes, all efforts for naught.
we prefer not to gripe,
but we're hunting a snipe,
and red herring is all that we've caught.
"
"gaily painted, your hot-air balloon
has you over-the-moon, leaving soon. . . .
later, ruined and strewn
like some fiery festoon,
you're the looney who flew the typhoon!
"
"if a grandchild you'd fain antecede,
interceding is needed, indeed,
to remind your descendants
they're behind in dependents,
so they'd better get busy and breed.
"
"useful benzoate?of thee i sing?
gets its start with a six-membered ring,
then you'd add to that hoop
a carboxylate group,
aromatically doing its thing.
"
"when centrosymmetric relations
govern crystallized atoms' locations,
every atom is paired,
its coordinates shared,
but with x, y, z values' negations.
"
"benzopyrene a bloke might obtain
from the smoke of a coal-fired train:
five fused honeycomb rings?
polycyclical things?
twenty carbons arranged in a plane.
"
"you're a vagabond, aimlessly rootless,
and your effort's consistently fruitless.
still, you never say die,
as you bootlessly try
what is pointless and stupidly bootless.
"
"they'd bestowed on us trojans a horse.
what was stowed in its hollow? a force:
their most warlike and bold
were concealed in its hold.
would we rue that bestowal? of course.
"
"we were hunting the old hindu kush,
as our beaters tried vainly to flush
out a tiger espied
in the bush by our guide,
who kept beating about in the brush.
"
"a wayward young maid, who's dismayed
by her tryst in the mist of a glade,
starts to shriek a critique
of her boyfriend's technique,
in a pique over being mislaid.
"
"when his plaster has trouble congealing,
and refuses to stick to the ceiling,
that poor artisan bastard
goes out and gets plastered.
('tis better than watching it peeling.)
"
"acacia melanoxylon
is the blackwood an aussie might smile on.
from this tree called a wattle,
he likely as not'll
craft chairs to sit once in a while on.
"
"we've been watching you training your brain,
and we envy your brainpower gain.
but a mind so immense
should at least have the sense
to come in from outdoors in the rain.
"
"for enlightenment, i can see why
these fluorescents are bulbs you might buy.
but desiring florescence,
your bulbs should, in essence,
be bought from a nursery supply.
"
"arara, the cockatoo bird,
has a call, as you might have inferred,
that's exactly the same
as its palindrome name.
rara avis just might be the word.
"
"in your microscope, couldn't you tell
that your cells were beginning to swell?
on the morrow, you oughter
not use distilled water.
today, you can bid them farewell.
"
"on the isle of man, are there males?
and does china have tableware sales?
is there turkey to eat
on an ottoman seat?
are cetologists living in wales?
"
"though the barbary pirates are dead,
still, their legacy fills us with dread:
once they roved on the sea,
sailing corsairs alee;
now they download too freely instead.
"
"these are enzymes we need in attendance
for a cell to develop descendants,
where each cell-cycle phase
needs the right cdk's,
each a kinase with cyclin-dependence.
"
"as a lover, he wasn't too stellar
as a bedder-of-jellyfish feller.
he's reluctant to feel her
on her surfaces velar,
like her marginal ridge, abumbrellar.
"
"the games that we've lost in the past
are the reason we're standing dead last.
with a record so stellar,
we dwell in the cellar,
unsurpassed in our losses amassed.
"
"the words that you knew of were legion
'til you injured this cerebral region.
loss of wernicke's area
appeared to impair ya:
now everything sounds like norwegian.
"
"balthazar's the name that it sports:
it's a wine merchant's glasswork, of sorts.
not a biblical sage
who's a magus or mage,
but a bottle that holds thirteen quarts.
"
"receptors called alphas and betas
(adrenergic response mediators)
help prepare fight-or-flight
(of these, alphas excite)
in your sudden encounter with 'gators.
"
"while tending the embers with care,
the blacksmith is lit by the glare.
""this forge has a fire
that ought to be higher,""
he bellows, and feeds it more air.
"
"from your blood, we have taken great pains
to spin down all the cells it contains.
blood serum's the buff-
colored watery stuff,
at the top of the tube, that remains.
"
"while chilling, a filly felt frisky,
mixing zillions of pills with her whiskey.
now she's thrilled by the rush
she distilled from her brush
with oblivion, stupid and risky.
"
"the purpose of scanning my cat
was to search for my missing pet rat.
but in slice after slice
on a high-tech device,
i found little but tendons and fat.
"
"in the alley where callie had been,
she could hear every drop of a pin,
and the fall of each ball
that was toppling them all,
rolled by bowlers whose goal was to win.
"
"when a ship goes a-listing and leaning
to its side, it's implied it's careening;
but we've also agreed
that ""to run at full speed""
or career's an alternative meaning.
"
"that shark has a stark, brilliant hue.
in a wreck, it endangers the crew.
it is found the world 'round,
far from shore, and renowned
as a man-eater, known as great blue.
"
"now your damned stinking badgers won't budge,
irrespective of how hard you nudge:
you provoked them to wrath
when you gave them that bath
in a tub of industrial sludge.
"
"it's a one-legged balance we've tried,
where the torso leans out to one side
'til a hand hits the mat,
leg extending out flat,
with the arms spread apart very wide.
"
"an army whose chances are slender
might fight to the final defender,
or start a new chapter
as captive and captor:
capitulate?simply surrender.
"
"he went out with a jellyfish (blubber),
but was too narcissistic to rub her
on her ridge adumbrellar;
so selfish a feller
would use a medusa, then snub her.
"
"lying prone on the ground, bend both knees.
reaching backwards, both feet you can seize.
pressing feet towards the floor
makes your quadriceps sore.
that's bhekasana?frog, if you please.
"
"in his tome, his collection of lectures,
there are few unsupported conjectures,
since the volume's extended
by notes he's appended?
some thoroughly splendid annexures.
"
"a poodle leapt into a puddle,
her mudpuppy prey to befuddle.
she submerged with a thud,
then emerged from the mud
all befuddled, confused, in a muddle.
"
"a colonial general, george,
having camped on the edge of a gorge,
took a bit of a spill
when he couldn't lie still
once abed with one valerie forge.
"
"said sylvester (a sort of a sot),
selling liquor (a lackluster lot),
""though the rotgut i've got
ain't so all-fired hot,
chateau rottweiler sure hits the spot!""
"
"by night came an arrow anigh,
far too near to an ear or an igh.
in a narrow escape
from that difficult scrape,
not a one of us wanted to digh.
"
"'tis getting on time to go beddy.
i am girded and totally ready.
now accinct and prepared,
to my room i have fared
with my blankie, my jammies and teddy.
"
"the bugs that we'll probably meet'll
be crunchy, while those that we eat'll
be anelytrous things
having membranous wings,
not the elytron shell of a beetle.
"
"elementary school students in hell
are expected to tell how to spell
eighteen-letter words right?
not a vowel in sight?
and pronounce them correctly, as well.
"
"a six- and a five-membered ring,
fused together, covalently cling.
there are nitrogen joints
at two pentagon points:
benzimidazole's doing its thing.
"
"a borate's identification
depends on its state of hydration;
it has b2o3
plus hydroxide, you see,
and a cation's neutralization.
"
"since that soldier's promotion occurred,
chicken colonel's his flavor, i've heard.
is he fried? no, that's bull!
as a colonel in full,
he's delighted they gave him the bird.
"
"i expected reactions profound
when my thesis was handed around
at my masters defense,
but what broke the suspense
were guffaws?a cachinnatory sound.
"
"on the wide mississippi i sat,
catching catfish?had that fish down pat.
i'll admit i got pissed;
by a whisker, i missed
that one-hundred-pound monster blue cat.
"
"i've been buying my sweetie some treats
from a store selling imported sweets.
they are packaged with flair
at this bonbonni?re;
there's a box for each piece that she eats!
"
"though a measuring spoon would be neater
for a one-thousandth part of a liter,
every volume we check
is a pain in the neck,
since my cubemates in tech sent a meter.
"
"a coffee with full-bodied flavor
is the kind that i find i can savor.
but that weak-bodied ilk
mixed with sugar and milk?
that's a drink i don't think i would favor.
"
"every happy event turns adverse,
like your life has come under a curse.
when it ends catastrophically,
you shrug philosophically,
""so, nu? it could always be worse.""
"
"buccaneerish, he walks on a peg:
he'd mistaken a black powder keg
for a barrel of grog
in the midst of a fog.
now he's using a log as a leg.
"
"whenever my sister got pissed
and insisted on twisting my wrist,
my attempts to avoid her
provoked and annoyed her:
'twas futile to try to resist.
"
"alexander makes quite an impression,
winning war after war in succession,
where each neighbor concedes
to the army he leads
in a grecian campaign of aggression.
"
"a brigand was crossing a moat
while encased in a brigandine coat?
that's a flexible mail
made of chain or of scale?
but the fool had expected to float!
"
"her majesty, sour-faced and dour,
spends an hour in her bower in the tower.
once they hear that she's glowering,
cowards go cowering,
bowing in fear of her power.
"
"the hare's in a bit of a bind.
in despair, he's awakened to find
that the breaks in his pace
were mistakes in the race:
slow-but-steady has come from behind.
"
"acid sulfite, just what could it be?
it's an anion, hso3-.
you'd create quite a few
if you mixed so2
with hydroxide. seems basic to me.
"
"we'll be crushing this skeletal bone
with a massive, unyielding stone.
it would hardly appeal
as our dinnertime meal,
but it helps get our greenery grown.
"
"he uncovers his stuff so euphorically
from the piles that collected historically,
where the bottommost strata
hold the least recent data.
but he won't sort it out, categorically.
"
"to the harebrained impetuous folk
who considered our counsel a joke:
all the twits who ignored us
and bet on the tortoise
eventually gotta go broke.
"
"when your plane tumbled down from the skies,
it was shocking, a stunning surprise.
your arrival too late
at the terminal gate
was a blessing, it seems, in disguise.
"
"eating lipids, you've reason to smile
that the cholate salts found in your bile
can emulsify fat:
if it wasn't for that
then you'd still be digesting a while.
"
"when god was designing the nose,
the position he finally chose
was smack dab in the middle.
the reason's no riddle:
it's the scenter, so that's where it goes.
"
"a  hydride of boron's unstable,
and reduces whatever it's able,
hence a borane's attractions
for organic reactions,
which a chemist might bring to the table.
"
"out here, on a spacefaring mission,
finding air is my dearest ambition.
certain death is my fate
if i breathlessly wait
for a less anaerobic condition.
"
"i've spotted a pale spotted perch:
it's a fish i've no wish to besmirch.
i'd have shown you my brasse
in biology class,
but i ate it for further research.
"
"it's a cinch that the ball fell behind
where our tennis court's vividly lined.
i'm astounded?it sounds
like he found it in bounds.
i'm convinced that the linesman is blind.
"
"a bitter young bettor had bet,
using assets he didn't have yet,
placing bets unrestrained.
he'd have better refrained
from his betting and getting in debt.
"
"all for naught, i'd become overwrought
'bout that fish that i oughta have caught.
i've gone shoppin' instead,
where they're already dead.
shoulda seen what i coulda done bought.
"
"biopolymers like dnas
pack in regular crystal arrays.
their electrons' reaction
to x-rays?diffraction?
gets photons to scatter in phase.
"
"when you try simulated annealing,
just send virtual molecules reeling.
since you don't understand 'em,
add vectors at random,
as no other method's appealing.
"
"poor bitch, how deluded you are!
you believe you're the greatest dog star.
lassie, girl, you're delirious?
you cannot be serious.
canis major's more boffo, by far.
"
"these two golfers walk into a bar
for a shot and perhaps a cigar.
one's a pro, one's a vicar,
they went to drink liquor?
and now they're both way over par.
"
"the scarecrow is learning to feign
having whatcha-ma-callit . . . a brain.
now he's running for prez,
or at least, 'til he says
something heartless, ascared, or inane.
"
"""there are three kinds of people,"" you rant,
though your evidence seems to be scant.
""there's the ones who can come
to an accurate sum,
and the ones who consistently can't.""
"
"when a cell is about to divide,
there's a centrosome found on each side.
in the spindle, its role
is to sit at the pole,
with the fibers providing a guide.
"
"the cannibals start up a waltz
(they can't dance, you know?one of their faults).
the schmuck in the pot
should be worried. he's not;
he's mistaken the spice for bath salts.
"
"since a carb-loving barber named barb
loved to scarf the occasional carb,
she could easily harbor
a barber-sized arbor,
when garbed in her barbering garb.
"
"no matter your natter and chatter,
all your minions endeavor to flatter.
it's absurd that they state
that your words carry weight,
like opinions of thinkers who matter.
"
"while your skin's getting darker in tone,
use a sunscreen with benzophenone,
which protects while you bake,
and is useful to make
some insecticides, drugs, and cologne.
"
"whenever we've needed to stun
an old boeuf, or eviscerate one,
it proceeds by rail car
to a french abattoir.
some more chateaubriand, anyone?
"
"a beaver, a true-love believer,
was attached to a golden retriever.
though he knew that the dog
couldn't chew on a log,
he just wooden't conceivably leave her.
"
"since your milk stood around, what you've got
is a sour-tasting, foul-smelling clot.
you could dump it as waste,
but you relish its taste:
bonnyclabber's a food? maybe not.
"
"first the fishies crawled up on the land.
eons later, the bipeds could stand.
all their carpals were changed
as their bones rearranged:
evolution was lending a hand.
"
"one event's a required precondition
for another's successful fruition.
one is cause?that's correct?
and the other's effect,
placed in limericked juxtaposition.
"
"you can follow instructions with ease,
and they claim that assembly's a breeze,
since those cryptic contraptions
have neat-lettered captions.
if only you read cantonese.
"
"you recline, on your side, in repose,
elbow stretching away from your toes;
hold one foot, by and by,
as it lifts to the sky:
anantasana (infinite pose).
"
"you're a tad individualistic
in matters which verge on linguistic,
so you're flaunting the rules
that they've learned you in schools,
catachrestically characteristic.
"
"the meatpacker whacks and then hacks;
cattle run and get stunned by his axe.
when the cuts are precise,
just a slice will suffice
in his mass bovicidal attacks.
"
"there's room in the womb of a bear
for a pair of her cubbies to share.
now they're happy and snug.
once they're born?a fine rug:
they're undoubtedly safer in there.
"
"a commuter is being astute
as she plots an alternative route:
""doesn't matter which way
i go first every day?
an abelian daily commute!""
"
"i've been hoping my cereals grow,
but their progress seems painfully slow.
while your corn reaches high
as an elephant's eye,
mine stays low as an elephant's toe.
"
"when a bee, be she ever so humble,
trips and slips, winding up in a jumble,
should she mumble and grumble,
bemoaning her tumble
and proneness to fumble and stumble?
"
"i'll admit to you, dearie, it's dreary
to awaken each day feeling weary,
nearer dead than alive.
how i dread you'll arrive,
oh so chipper and damnably cheery!
"
"i have come with some gum for a snack:
it's just chicle, a nickel a pack!
what i'm choosing to do
includes chewing straight through
every stick that i've stuck in this stack.
"
"there's a butcher i know, name of chuck,
stuck his hand in a grinder?bad luck!
now, piled high, there's a mound
with a pound of ground round?
and some telegraphed punch lines that suck.
"
"though miss dollie is poker-obsessed,
as a bettor, she isn't the best.
when her cards are held near
her enormous brassiere,
they're too far to play close to the chest.
"
"the train that you take to toulouse
has a dining car travelers can use.
if you opt for a car
having only a bar,
you can't chew on the choo-choo you choose.
"
"cursed a limerick writer from texas,
""we have versified as he expects us:
every line starts unstressed,
which i've grown to detest.
zounds! let's try catalexis!""
"
"your schr?dinger's limerick waits:
ambiguity's one of its traits.
is it funny? perhaps.
we won't know 'til collapse
of its superposition of states.
"
"when a shrieking soprano appears
with a valkyrie's breastplate and spears,
that's a clue to determine
the opera's in german:
a warning to cover your ears.
"
"some riders love animals dearly,
while others regard them as merely
their beasts to abuse.
as for me, i refuse
to treat horses so damned cavalierly.
"
"a botany nerd, name of alex,
never heard of that word in italics.
so he's looking it up
in his book?it's a cup-
shaped arrangement of sepals, the calyx.
"
"these bookworms developed a taste
for the flavor of bindery paste.
they're the larvae of beetles?
a book's what they eatles,
so our library's going to waste.
"
"when crystals are grown on occasion,
of a clear monoclinic persuasion,
you'll find space group c2
(c21 if they screw)
when they've added a half-half translation.
"
"a boobook's a brown spotted bird.
she's an owl who persists, undeterred:
""more pork,"" she'll repeat
(like she's howling for meat)
when a bird should just tweet. how absurd!
"
"to avoid feeling chilly or damp,
a bindlestiff (hobo or tramp)
totes a bedroll around
to unroll on the ground
every time that he stops to make camp.
"
"can an anode and cathode be friends?
who's in charge when their sparks fly? depends.
are these opposites wracked
when they learn they attract?
are they shocked when their passion transcends?
"
"when your injury's bleeding a lot,
you can treat it with something that's hot.
lest your loss when you bleed
leaves you less than you need,
opt for cautery, causing a clot.
"
"shooting fish in a barrel's too easy,
leaving sportsmanlike fish feeling queasy.
""is it fair,"" they might ask,
""when we're dropped in a cask,
and you give us both barrels? how sleazy!""
"
"the proverb you've lately been telling
has a message that's less than compelling.
every road leads to rome?
how are folks getting home
to the anyplace else that they're dwelling?
"
"if a drone with a proneness to fumble
felt an onus for taking a tumble,
would that error-prone drone
glumly grumble and groan
while bemoaning his proneness to bumble?
"
"a mousy young doctor named zachary
was arrested for practicing quackery,
'cuz no matter what ailed 'em,
his remedy failed 'em:
he'd prescribe them a hickory daiquiri.
"
"some talented optical elves,
having nothing to sell on their shelves,
helped bespectacled lasses
select their new glasses,
making spectacles out of themselves.
"
"you were biking along and got doored.
now the price of a bike has you floored.
at the bike shop you like,
you were told, ""take a hike!""
as your pleas for a deal were ignored.
"
"the lim'ricks you've stashed in a cache
could be lost in a flash in a crash.
keeping rhymes on a disk
could be taking a risk?
pen and paper's less reckless and rash.
"
"see how audubon shows us the oriole
in its habitat, chiefly arboreal?
a description in words
would be crap?for the birds?
when compared to his way that's pictorial.
"
"when a girl is excessively chaste,
and disgracefully going to waste,
we should chasten her pacing,
to hasten unlacing
of stays staying stubbornly laced!
"
"logicians are apt to object
to a ""begging the question"" defect.
in a circular proof,
it's a logical goof
that assumes propositions correct.
"
"we use centi- for point-oh-one meters;
on occasion, it's point-oh-one liters.
but the bug that you meet
having point-oh-one feet
has encountered some centipede eaters.
"
"is she moodily beefing aloud
when she's stuck in a bullheaded crowd
that's described by a word
you've undoubtedly heard?
no, that bossy's too easily cowed.
"
"""nothing ventured""'s becoming the motto
of our new cfo, when he's blotto.
he's been taking his chances
with corp'rate finances,
investing our assets in lotto.
"
"the age of the king posed a hurdle,
but the queen proved impressively fertile.
now the realm has an heir
who's suspiciously fair
(like the locksmith who fashioned her girdle).
"
"a squirrel got fat in an oak,
nibbling nuts from the time he awoke.
he was acorned, so filled
that he sadly got killed:
he went out on a limb and it broke.
"
"making chymotrypsinogen's best,
so your pancreas won't self-digest.
once this zymogen leaves it,
and trypsin then cleaves it,
it's active, digesting with zest.
"
"perched atop the tonsorial chair,
with his scalp unexpectedly bare,
he has bawled about what
was a barbarous cut?
a distressing removal of hair.
"
"some ties everlastingly bind:
that's how bindings are often defined.
but the tie 'round my neck,
in a paisley or check,
gets untied once i'm set to unwind.
"
"said this birder from brooklyn, named floyd,
""i should loin you which boids to avoid:
dose annoyingly noisy
green parrots from joisey.
why don't dey just choip like a boid?""
"
"""it's pornography, open-and-shut!""
the appeal claimed it's anything but.
the supremes all concurred,
""it's obscene?and not heard?
since i know when i see it.  it's smut!""
"
"""am i losing my balance?"" asked hank,
""seems my bank has gone into the tank.""
on balance, he'll earn
quite the steady return,
with deposit insurance to thank.
"
"her clothing is hanging in rows
in the cedarwood closet she chose.
while the fleas want to flee,
since she smells like a tree,
she sees beavers wherever she goes.
"
"you have gone out to lunch with your parrot;
and the salad looks good, so you share it.
then you suddenly note
there's a lump in his throat?
lor'! your parrot, 'e's choked on a carrot!
"
"the trouble with boisterous boys is
their endless crescendo of noises:
the cacophonous crash
of the toys that they smash,
and the shrillness of ear-splitting voices.
"
"your venture's completely ill-starred,
selling furniture meant for the yard:
who'd have paid for those hammocks
you'd made from ceramics,
which turned out so brittle and hard?
"
"in another sad mishap of jack's,
while he's painfully playing the sax,
here's the facts: fundamentally,
max accidentally
smacks out his teeth with an axe.
"
"an axe accidentally hit,
going splat when your cranium split,
which you needed, you said,
like a hole in the head.
such a shame that you're dead?what a wit!
"
"a catchphrase one hears can amaze one,
so one's sometimes inclined to rephrase one.
like that popular joke
about idiot folk,
where it's taking a village to raise one.
"
"come the kids, gaily hopping on pop,
doing belly-flop tricks 'til they drop,
plopping ceaselessly down
on the top of his crown.
once he's dead, they can finally stop.
"
"you claim that the charges are fake,
a result of the warden's mistake.
but your plans for escape
were recorded on tape,
and i quote: you said, ""gimme a break!""
"
"to avoid unexpected effects,
feed your function the args it expects,
with an arity count
in the proper amount,
or you'll find that your program objects.
"
"the conductor declared, ""i will funnel
this crowd toward the train for the chunnel.
there's an excellent chance
they will wind up in france,
since we don't plan to stop in the tunnel.""
"
"plan was good, but i couldn't quite pitch it.
said my boss, ""that's a great carriwitchet!
it's a damned funny joke!""
so i tried not to choke,
and replied, ""never mind, i'll just ditch it.""
"
"when our boisterous boys want to wake us,
they'll create a cacophonous fracas.
and it's futile to keep
on pretending to sleep:
if the noise doesn't work, then they'll shake us.
"
"with his ""enemies list"" keeping score,
""not-a-crook"" wasn't one to ignore.
one thing's perfectly clear:
in his checkered career,
can't kick nixon around anymore.
"
"when the roosters in chuck's chicken coop
were laid up with a bout of the croup,
said a hen, with a cluck,
as she simmered poor chuck,
""chuck 'n noodle's my favorite soup!""
"
"as a rooster who used to have clout,
he's about to be beat in a bout.
once the cock of the walk,
now his squawk is all talk.
in the rout, he'll be chickening out.
"
"he's a library-bound middle-ager?
still a gradual student, i'd wager?
who is feeling annoyed,
as a still-unemployed,
fully qualified limerick major.
"
"through the bush in the forest he ambles,
with a bird in his hand.  then he gambles:
spotting two in the brush,
he releases his thrush.
now he's birdless and snagged by the brambles.
"
"half the chickens in chuck's chicken coop
had been ailing; he thought it was croup.
so he slaughtered a hen
who was healthy, and then
he could feed all the rest chicken soup.
"
"grimly armed with an air gun, ol' phoebe
was defending herself from a seabee.
but it failed to go whammo?
in error, live ammo
was loaded instead of a bb.
"
"in solution, some protons are tryin'
to bind to each acetate ion.
since it's plainly the case
it's a ""conjugate base"",
why on earth would you think that i'm lyin'?
"
"asked the beer drinker spending his time
down in mexico's balmier clime,
""what's this dreck in the neck
of my beck's? would you check?
i don't drink my cerveza with lime.""
"
"tom didn't, it seemed, have a prayer,
with his scuba beyond all repair.
""what the?glub?not again!""
he said breathlessly when
he had suddenly run out of air.
"
"keeping score? seems your government's spent
even more making every last cent
than a penny apiece.
saves a mint if they cease?
which the zinc lobby seeks to prevent.
"
"though a big-hearted person's expected
to be generous, kind, and connected,
mightn't cold-hearted scrooge
have a muscle that's huge
if a cardiomyopathy's detected?
"
"my belongings are things that i've wrought,
that i've caught, or perhaps that i've bought.
though you'll own them, it's true,
if i trade them to you,
what you've brought includes naught that i'd sought.
"
"activities said to be sapphic
are attractors of internet traffic.
it should hardly surprise
you've attracted more eyes
since your poetry site's gotten graphic.
"
"for naught did my studies avail:
'twas a test i was destined to fail.
thanks to kelvin, my hero,
i scored up a zero
on the absolute temperature scale.
"
"a printer of intricate data
found flaws in her latest errata.
but 'twas hard to detect
what had caused that effect,
when that causatrix caused her causata.
"
"wherever an eagle may fare,
the air will be bearing him there.
he'll be borne on the breezes
and soar where he pleases,
on naught but a wing and a prayer.
"
"we're appalled at the polls, which have shown
we're electing a corpse! might have known,
since it's worthy of note
that our dead get to vote,
and perhaps he's just one of their own.
"
"this sudoku's a challenging test.
it's so puzzling i've barely progressed.
meanwhile, yours is complete.
i'm admitting defeat.
what the hell do you mean, you just guessed?
"
"when they're bad, goes your christmastime threat,
lump of coal's all their stockings will get.
though they cleverly know
you've no coal to bestow?
they've forgotten the charcoal briquet.
"
"humpty dumpty insisted his tubbiness
wasn't simply a matter of chubbiness:
his definitive trait
wasn't fatness or weight,
but a shortage of height?namely, stubbiness.
"
"our choregus is standing before us,
and courageously leading our chorus.
when the patrons throw crap,
he's the target they zap.
if we're lucky, they'll choose to ignore us.
"
"at a shop at the town galleria,
hairy pottery's covered with chia.
that's related to mint,
but i'll give you a hint:
it's a simply bizarro idea!
"
"in accordance with industry regs,
they'll ignore how she wheedles and begs,
using grocery wreckers,
called baggers and checkers,
to flatten her produce and eggs.
"
"when accepting a check of the kind
that says ""pay to the order"", you find
there's a numbered account,
and the proper amount,
while neglecting to check that it's signed.
"
"you've been penning a poem about chyme:
what a curious choice for a rhyme!
its concern is for what
goes from stomach to gut.
could you pick something cuter next time?
"
"when a chick hitched a ride on his chopper,
a chipper young cop came a cropper,
forced to suddenly swerve
on a dangerous curve:
it was wheelie surprising to drop her.
"
"a witch with a screw loose or two
put a bottle of ink in her brew.
now the mix in her sink
is beginning to stink,
and it's turning her indigo blue.
"
"no doubt that i oughta have bought
a trout, like i sought to have caught.
had i gone to the store,
i'd have paid slightly more,
but i wouldn'a become so distraught.
"
"giant onions with flowerful powers
grow great globular clusters of flowers.
while admiring our allium,
it's tiring to tally 'em,
since counting those petals takes hours.
"
"does your wonderful bundle of . . . boy . . .
do his best, as you've guessed, to annoy?
like that jar of strained peas
that he managed to squeeze
in his cheeks, and now seeks to deploy!
"
"i ordered a bottle of bud,
but it bounced from the bar with a thud.
now it's busted, alas,
in a shower of glass.
it's their very last bottle?  oh, crud.
"
"you needed to stick to the plan
when your terrible headache began:
though there's help for your migraine
from fungus on rye grain?
you forgot to take cafergot, man.
"
"doctor duck was unlucky to kill
several patients who swallowed his pill:
he's a charlatan (quack!)
who pretends to a knack,
but is lacking in medical skill.
"
"dearest friend, i'm intending to ponder:
your abode's on a road way out yonder,
so you're staying away,
yet for day after day,
in your absence, i'm growing no fonder.
"
"those lobbyists hoping to gain,
no matter who wins the campaign,
are equivocal smarties
who give to both parties:
""buy partisans!""?that's their refrain.
"
"you busted your bottle of bud
on my brow with a crack and a thud.
so i thought, ""what a waste!""
since it ruins the taste
when a beer gets polluted with blood.
"
"that waitress on skates is my date,
and i hate that she's working so late.
but a fast-wheeling carhop,
who skates while we barhop,
hits bars at a staggering rate.
"
"in a wine-seller's cellar, poor rollo
wasn't told he should spit, and not swallow.
now he's already wasted
on whites that he's tasted,
with burgundy reds still to follow.
"
"there's a bagman attempting to sell us,
though his wares neither tempt nor compel us.
it's no mystery why
we won't buy from a guy
who's a pest, or at best, overzealous.
"
"is it smart that the party to whom
i've addressed my request for a broom
has debris and some dust,
that i see with disgust,
'neath the head of the bed in his room?
"
"simple plants, here at home on the loam,
that are lacking in xylem and phloem,
are constrained to be short,
like a moss or a wort.
a bryologist sort brings them home.
"
"keep it simple's my motto, so, natch,
my catchwords are buckle and latch.
does this quiz have a trap?
no, it's really a snap,
so i'm forced to inquire, ""what's the catch?""
"
"the ditz should already have shown;
if she doesn't, we'll have to postpone.
but it's anyone's guess
where she's put our address,
and who knows what she did with her phone?
"
"when the doctor had scrawled his demand,
sniffed the teller, ""i don't understand.
your career as a bandit
can't go as you've planned it?
what a dreadful illegible hand!""
"
"if a boohoo should leap from the deep,
wary dolphins their distance should keep.
since a marlin can kill
with the aid of its bill,
being spiked is a reason to weep.
"
"a one and a zero can't fit?
squeeze together and comfortably sit?
side by side in a spot
that's committed or not.
they could try, but it won't help a bit.
"
"those acids they call carboxylic,
like acetic, have balance idyllic:
their carboxylate ends
can make water their friends,
while their methyls are quite lipophilic.
"
"i'm the chaser, and not the chasee,
in the hunt for a tiger or three.
but to be the chasseur
in pursuit of amour
is a role i would much rather flee.
"
"said the lady, debased and disgraced,
""lest my beauty be going to waste,
every suitor who suits me
pursues and pollutes me?
'tis hard to stay pure when you're chased.""
"
"said a cute executioner, marge,
""though your chance of reprieve isn't large,
don't give up in despair
when they give you the chair:
you can hope for reducing the charge.""
"
"we can furnish a way to discard
wooden chairs that are hopelessly marred,
whose appeal has been dwindling:
we'll chop them for kindling
that burns in our furnace 'til charred.
"
"the butter you turned in a churn,
as you learned, is a diet concern:
it has padded your rear,
made your waist disappear,
and it's hardened your arteries. durn.
"
"comfy chairs have a great deal of class?
lots of cushions for parking your mass.
when preparing to sit,
just be sure that you fit,
or your seat might get stuck there.  alas.
"
"said a quizzical chemistry whiz
in the chemical weaponry biz,
""i don't know for a fact
how you folks will react . . .
but my beaker's beginning to fizz.""
"
"joe conservative says what he thinks,
and he doesn't use drugs, never drinks.
he is antirevolutionary
but pro-executionary?
""kill the radicals! death to the pinks!""
"
"after grease has digested a while,
from the chyme in your gut, you get chyle.
your lymphatics receive
whitish fluids that leave
with emulsified fats, mixed in bile.
"
"joule-thompson's a handy device
for converting your water to ice.
as ammonia expands,
simple physics demands
that its temperature drops. 'twill suffice.
"
"while spending siesta at napping,
i awakened to growling and snapping.
i said, ""look at that?sheesh!
there's a rat on a leash!""
ai, chihuahua, you wouldn't stop yapping!
"
"diseases that jump up and bite us
affright us and spite us and blight us
or cause us to die?oh,
like endo- or myo-,
some heart-rending forms of carditis.
"
"a poor little pauper named jenny
found tuppence to add to her penny.
but the copper, what's worse,
made a hole in her purse,
and by morning, she didn't have any!
"
"i am growing quite fond of a blonde
who's enthused and inclined to respond.
all the limits she claims?
more like goals or like aims
we keep finding ourselves well beyond.
"
"i am hansel-and-gretel-inclined,
leaving traces of breadcrumbs behind.
then that flock?first it comes,
then it gobbles my crumbs.
where's that chumetz i'm trying to find?
"
"a bunny who married his honey
got confused, so he spent all his money
in the store where they sold
stuff with diamonds and gold.
when she ate them, she died.  life is funny.
"
"there's this pregnant and overstuffed cell
who has lately been feeling unwell.
as her final decision,
she opts for division.
the rest is too gruesome to tell!
"
"you like boating, but aren't a sailor?
try the motorized skiff?boston whaler.
it's a nice little boat
that stays mostly afloat.
just in case, keep a pail for a bailer.
"
"when a gentleman's in a position
to consider a further addition,
he may marry a spouse,
add a wing to his house,
or fulfill his parental ambition.
"
"these eleven, so elvish and wise,
have a grace that their pace can't disguise.
we can tell that these elves
think too well of themselves,
being elven, beyond a surmise.
"
"such bitterly, blustery weather:
a storm's forming over the heather.
far above this gray scape,
there's no fine cirrus shape
like a wispy celestial feather.
"
"old albert's incredibly nice,
and his gods never seem to play dice,
but with hickory dickory
point-of-view trickery,
clocks run down relative mice.
"
"by e-mail, e-missives are sent,
with an e-philosophical bent.
e-clectic, they're cabled,
e-lectric e-nabled.
e-gad, they e-never relent!
"
"each morning, a father and daughter
are taking their pills, as they oughter,
lest their proneness to clot
causes organs to rot.
so, is blood thinner thicker than water?
"
"your pathway to hell is bestrewn
with the seeds of calamitous ruin,
with the best of intents
causing evil events.
now your demons await. see ya soon!
"
"cried the moralist clam, in defeat,
""i do evil whenever i eat!""
the amoralist clam
just replied, ""i just am,""
as she swam . . . in my pot . . . on the heat.
"
"when the weather gets wetter this week,
i would use my umbrellar antique,
but my new one works better,
and gets me less wetter:
my bumbershoot's springing a leak.
"
"at the beach, she refused to go bare,
too afraid that some people would stare,
since the cast of each cheek
was completely unique:
one was round, while the other was square.
"
"she feared he would sprint from her, since her
right hand was a cheliform pincer.
but the prince, as she saw,
didn't wince or withdraw,
but took hold of her claw, to convince her.
"
"been mistakenly burned at the stake?
what a terrible error to make!
so we burned you for naught,
since you're not, as we thought,
evil chicken? well (burp), our mistake.
"
"that librarian needs information:
how to float for a lengthy duration.
but that's hard to obtain
as she circles the drain.
it's been shelved, out of (gulp!) circulation.
"
"through the thorniest thicket and bramble,
risking bramberry picking, we ramble.
but it's tricky to pick it:
that prickliest thicket
can cut to the quick?it's a gamble.
"
"with his priests giving in to temptation,
he kept secret their child molestation.
no remorse or chagrin
for his cardinal sin
of protecting his organization.
"
"a chuckwalla lizard like donna,
keeping cool as a lizard could wanna,
has a proneness to pant?
lots of other ones can't.
what a clever old desert iguana!
"
"the histology student goes, ""why
does the chromophobe grouping apply?""
so the teacher goes, ""well,
it's a colorless cell,
as it simply refuses to dye.""
"
"when you're floating your logs to your flumes,
and adjusting the space between booms,
use appropriate holes
in your catpiece controls,
not a piece of a cat, one assumes.
"
"what did preschooler cheerleaders say
when their team was preparing to play?
hard to tell what to yell
when you're too young to spell,
so they settled for ""gimme a yay!""
"
"the game warden can't overlook
all the trout that you took from that brook.
he won't brook taking nine,
so he's levied a fine,
and you're finding yourself on the hook.
"
"to westminster abbey, a stone
(stone of destiny, as it was known)
was plundered in pillage
from scone, a scots village,
and doomed to lie under the throne.
"
"""two coins is my fare for the ride,""
stated charon to bix, who had died.
""go to hades!"" cried bix,
as he splashed in the styx,
saving dough for the opposite side.
"
"unwittingly twitting a twit
is a witless misuse of a wit.
when some chucklehead affably
does something laughably
chucklesome, chuckle, then quit.
"
"""oh, why should you cry when i die-o?""
asked my pop, checking out in ohio.
though he chose to be frozen,
he's now decomposin'.
some flaw caused a thaw in the cryo.
"
"in my latest suspense-laden thriller,
there's a cold-blooded killer named miller,
who's been planning a heist
where his victims get iced:
they'll be freezing to death in a chiller.
"
"a fossa, or pit, in an ossicle
might be aptly described as a ""fossicle"".
that's a rhyme, i'll admit,
that is hardly legit,
but a good one is sadly impossicle.
"
"graduation would finally reach
to the maledictorian's speech.
but he didn't rehearse,
so he bollixed the curse,
and transmogrified. now he's a leech.
"
"the actor he's hired, on the whole,
seems to flounder when handling a pole.
in his movie on fishing,
the director's been wishing
he'd more suitably casted the role.
"
"if that horse in my class were acuter,
his chirography might be astuter.
since his hooves lack the skill
to maneuver a quill,
it behooves them to find him a tutor.
"
"an asana yogis should try:
padmasana (foot on each thigh).
now breathe as your focus
is held on the locus
of the chakra behind your third eye.
"
"there's a plot that your chickens are hatching;
for the proof, read their notes i'm attaching.
they intend to dispatch
any farmer they catch.
just decipher their scrawled chicken scratching.
"
"being placed between two piles of grass,
the unfortunate buridan's ass
couldn't seem to decide,
so he sat 'til he died
of starvation. alack and alas!
"
"you collected the right information,
but neglected the proper citation.
now your sources seem miffed
and accuse you of lift-
ing their stuff, claiming plagiarization.
"
"in math, when the graph that you've got
goes around in a circular plot,
never veer, never swerve
from that circular curve
to return to the very same spot.
"
"a skinny young fellow named kelly
came back from the warfare in delhi
with a gut to combat.
what's the reason he's fat?
army chow is his main casus belly.
"
"an exploding artillery shell
might have sent the poor corporal to hell,
if napoleon bonaparte
simply had blown apart,
standing beneath where it fell.
"
"should our plan for world peace come to pass,
no more broadscale destruction en masse,
so disputes are resolved
using means more evolved?
waging battles with flatulent gas.
"
"paramecia dance in the street,
keeping time to a musical beat,
back and forth on the paving,
incessantly waving
their millions of cilium feet.
"
"if your life in the city disturbs,
with its mazes of sidewalks and kerbs,
which its buildings bestride,
massive walls on each side,
we'll be waiting out here in the 'burbs.
"
"that asylum my neighbor abuts
has a staff with no shortage of guts.
d'you believe it??? what nerve!
all the coffee they serve
to their inmates is chock-full of nuts.
"
"she prances to show how she feels,
in the style of her dancing ideals:
now she twirls, fred-and-gingery,
chancing an injury,
backwards, and wearing high heels.
"
"ex post facto, a statute applies
retroactively.  what a surprise
when the tax they enact
jacks up after the fact
to the giant economy size.
"
"willie sutton, the bank-robbing terror,
made a statement well worthy of berra,
that a place lacking bob
is quite pointless to rob?
and we'd score it committing an error.
"
"that tigress protecting her young'll
be ruining your jaunt through the jungle.
now your choice of a guide
who would run off and hide
is revealed as a bit of a bungle.
"
"that brazier makes things out of metal,
having lined his old furnace with fettle.
brazen braziers he makes;
they're the worst brazen fakes,
but he's betting his buyers will settle.
"
"she's a log-rolling lumberjack's daughter
who repeatedly falls in the water.
down the river, we wait,
but delivery's late:
yet again, she has backlogged our order.
"
"""oh, my hoeing is going so slow!""
whimpered bo, who was hoeing a row,
'til she sliced through her shoe,
and began to boohoo,
while removing the hoe from her toe.
"
"belatedly, last to arrive,
they showed up at a quarter past five.
""inconsiderate bees
come whenever they please,""
droned the drone, as he buzzed 'round the hive.
"
"my computer is feeling infirm:
it succumbed to some internet germ.
antiviral protection
prevented infection,
till trounced by some internet worm.
"
"mo's beau sews faux bolos so-so,
and poor mo sews 'em solo so slow,
so her beau ties none solo?
no bowties, no bolo,
while mo tries to solo, slo-mo.
"
"your laborer surely won't fail;
nonetheless, you continue to rail.
though discussing each point
gets her nose out of joint,
you're belaboring every detail.
"
"once girlish, her tragic condition
caused her churlishly bad disposition.
still you cherish your darling,
turned currish and snarling,
who's beating you into submission.
"
"a movie that's tasteless and lewdish
might appeal to a dude who is crude-ish.
but when nudity's frontal
it tends to disgruntle
the bluenose inclined to be prudish.
"
"consider the casebearer moth:
its larva's not noted for sloth,
busy building a case
out of silk fringed with lace?
but come next year, it's dressing up goth.
"
"at the breakfast cafe where you go,
it's the word that you'll use for ""hello"".
next you'll order a hole-
laden cereal bowl.
then you'll wave us good-bye. cheerio.
"
"tonight on tv, brother arn'll
be expecting to see something carnal.
when the movie, instead,
shows the bodies all dead,
then methinks he'll be changing the charnel.
"
"there's a chance that the jury was tricked,
so the outcome is hard to predict.
but with probable flaws
in the probable cause,
they're unlikely to vote to convict.
"
"shivered old hypochondriac bill,
""i've been feeling so feverishly ill.
when i take to my bed,
i'll be waking up dead!""
""just be cool,"" we encouraged him, ""chill.""
"
"we're stalking a celery seller:
he's a stellar young feller named teller.
he sells celery, verily,
terribly merrily
out of his vegetable cellar.
"
"my fisherman chum isn't dumb
at ensuring that some of them come.
buddy scatters the waters
with fish that he slaughters
and cuts up their guts.  what a chum!
"
"the pushiest salesman, named irv,
has chutzpah (a whole lot of nerve).
it's so galling that gall
so appalling wins all
those accounts that he doesn't deserve.
"
"these ac'-cents are meant' to ex-press'
which syl'-la-bles peo'-ple should stress'.
hav'-ing great'-er fa-cil'-i-ty
with ac-cen'-tu-a-bil'-i-ty
beats the hell' out of hav'-ing to guess'.
"
"said hobson, ""i'll tell you the score:
it won't help you to beg or implore.
you're entitled to choose?
or you're free to refuse?
any horse standing nearest the door.""
"
"""would you fain sell your cellophane cello
ere the cello turns brittle and yellow?""
""i would sell, but not gladly:
your buyer plays badly.
pay heed?here's a tape of the fellow!""
"
"when you're sampling the fare on a dare,
and the chef likes preparing it rare,
so the food makes you nauseous,
be suitably cautious,
and carefully offer a prayer.
"
"a cartoon that i recently saw
has a bothersome technical flaw:
it's in april's new yorker;
the caption's a corker.
too bad the cartoonist can't draw.
"
"when your mate said she's late, you believed
she was saying she'd likely conceived.
it was just her request,
needing time to get dressed.
disappointed or mostly relieved?
"
"said marty, the artsiest smarty,
well renowned for his partying hearty,
""celebration's desired?
cerebration's required
when i'm thinking of throwing a party.""
"
"your stigma? you bear it with style.
no enigma why both are worthwhile:
with your stigmas held distal,
at the end of your pistil,
you get sex with no need to beguile.
"
"poor johnny thought connie would wan' it:
she'd be donning the bonniest bonnet.
in demurring, she said,
""i'd prefer that my head
has no bonnet upon it, doggone it!""
"
"if you study, and reach your potential,
you'll receive your essential credential.
you'll be courted, acclaimed,
influential and famed,
more important and more consequential.
"
"i have penned a splendiferous ode
to the flattened remains of a toad,
with the filigreed tread
of a tire on his head:
body art on the yellow brick road.
"
"those swimmers would never have drowned
had the lifeguard kept looking around
circumspectly, with care,
as she perched on her chair,
getting beautifully, evenly browned.
"
"when lighting your kindling or tinder,
does the windiness help you or hinder?
don't be heedless with sparks
lighting fires in the parks,
lest the woods catch alight from your cinder.
"
"so that limits are never in doubt,
circumscription goes 'round and about:
such peripheral curves
trace a border that serves
to distinguish the inside from out.
"
"a booby is easy to catch,
and her eggs even simpler to snatch.
still, you won't get a fix
on the number of chicks,
counting boobies before they all hatch.
"
"though buffy, who hopped down the road,
liked to stop at my humble abode,
she was hard to convince
i'm an actual prince,
and complained that i tasted like toad.
"
"you had feigned being gracious, benign,
and she deigned for her heart to be thine.
your pretending benignity,
offending her dignity,
reveals that you're truly malign.
"
"the blockage of bile is the basis
of these troublesome medical cases,
where digestion of greases
effectively ceases,
a symptom we call cholestasis.
"
"true civilization began
with the hallmark of civilized man:
clean water's forthcoming
when you flush indoor plumbing.
pardon moi, while i go to the can.
"
"to the cistern the brethren go out
in the midst of a terrible drought.
though they hope and they pray
there'll be water today,
there is nun coming out of the spout.
"
"if a spy doesn't do as she's taught
when the leakers of secrets are sought,
she's unlikely to dodge
counterespionage,
so as likely as not, she'll be caught.
"
"you expected the crow of a cock,
but you're late, and remember, in shock,
that you've moved from your farm,
and recall, with alarm,
your intention to purchase a clock.
"
"the bricklayer let out a howl,
and complained to his wife, with a scowl,
""i am gonna be sick
if i see one more brick:
i've decided to throw in the trowel!""
"
"an alleyway paver named dave
liked the definite answers you gave.
you'd responded to questions
with concrete suggestions
concerning the method to pave.
"
"though you couldn't go into the wood,
and you wouldn't have gone if you could,
i believe that you might
when conditions are right,
if you think that you can and you should.
"
"engraving takes patience and skill;
you were doing just super, until
you got careless and brash,
printing counterfeit cash
showing monica meeting with bill.
"
"when involved in a circular flow
that proceeds to the right, down below,
then continues above
to the leftward thereof,
counterclockwise is how you should go.
"
"should a booby, with nary a care,
fare afar, unaware, on a dare?
she should nap on her nest,
clutching eggs 'neath her breast,
lest she's whapped by a booby-trapped snare.
"
"when you make cin?ma v?rit?,
no director or actor holds sway,
with the added appeal
that the action is real,
so there isn't a writer to pay.
"
"that hash-slinging brawler named jack
just forgot to come back with your snack.
didn't get what you want?
try to act nonchalant,
or you'll suffer a counter-attack.
"
"my uncle and aunt, grant and cheryl,
have a marriage in serious peril.
they already have dozens
of children (my cousins),
but uncle just heard that he's sterile.
"
"as vera's so very voracious,
her gut's gotten good and capacious.
her capricious voracity
dwarfs her sagacity . . .
so no diet has proved efficacious.
"
"in the winter of sleep, nothing grows;
in a stillness so deep, nothing flows.
from its wintertime prison,
a rose had arisen,
the whiteness of death to oppose.
"
"when our stocks are advancing, that's fine:
it's improving our net bottom line.
but if stock prices fell,
we'd be tempted to sell,
and if offered some more, we'd decline.
"
"natural fat's double bonds look like this:   c/c==c\c
enzymatically made to be cis,
but your margarine's fats,
made in chemical vats,
just as well could be trans, hit-or-miss.
"
"a famous, celebrious gent
made impressions wherever he went,
as he never ignored
any road being poured,
and his name looked so good in cement.
"
"though a sports-minded brit, name of dan, 'll
watch more tube than your typical man'll,
when some long-distance swim
holds no interest for him,
you can telly'll be changing the channel.
"
"you've practiced to try to prepare
for your somersault backwards in air,
but you clumsily trip
when beginning your flip,
so you land on your face?but with flair!
"
"when an oracle's organs auricular
both project from his head perpendicular,
his predictions oracular
become more spectacular.
but accurate? not in particular.
"
"in love, your tattoo was designed
with your names 'pon a heart intertwined.
then you got a divorce.
now you're feeling remorse
for that body art 'pon your behind.
"
"given coal tar, a chemist can fix
benzofuran from out of the mix.
ether-oxygen o's,
letting pentagons close,
make bicyclicals?five fused with six.
"
"could a cod think it odd that his bod,
chopped in pieces and tilled in the sod
with the aid of a plow,
yields the cud of a cow,
in a cod's contemplation of god?
"
"the airline's not checking your bags,
since they looked and they found 'neath the rags
an explosive device?
and it didn't suffice
that you told them so right on your tags.
"
"'twas a rainy and cloudy display
on a perfectly colorless day,
'til a colorful clown
waddled into our town?
and we shot him for ruining our gray.
"
"""ice cream sam'wich,"" said 5-year-old nellie
to the counterman working the deli.
but her mom countermanded
the order, and handed
her 5-year-old crackers and jelly.
"
"""i am much too important to hang,""
goes the lordly patrician's harangue.
once that pompous con's seated,
the hangman gets cheated:
his chair's going off with a bang.
"
"the courtliest lawyer in court
had a mannerly mien of the sort
that he'd manage to cash in,
in elegant fashion,
while nailing your ass for a tort.
"
"for activities strange and complex,
that alpaca most commonly checks
llama sutra editions
with lotsa positions
for interesting camelid sex.
"
"those warships collected in groups,
forming convoys conveying our troops,
got disastrously stranded
right after they landed
by outflowing tidewater. (ooops.)
"
"in the content of books that you sent,
i found words to express what i meant.
the ideas that i gained
from the thoughts they contained
left me happy and pleased and content.
"
"when ol' tigger incessantly bounced
in advance of the moment he pounced,
did his flounce scare away
any hoped-to-be prey,
with his predator presence announced?
"
"when two nuclei happen to share
two electrons (it's always a pair),
they're covalently bonding,
a state corresponding
to sharing that's equal and fair.
"
"your manuscript's gotten rejected,
since your blunders were never corrected.
the reviewers concluded
you must be deluded
to think that they'd go undetected.
"
"we despaired of your e'er doing well;
now you'll dwell in a cell for a spell.
since the house of corrections
does lethal injections,
your plan for next week's shot to hell.
"
"this compendium's useful advice
has the virtue of being concise:
it explains so succinctly,
yet clearly, distinctly,
so well that just once will suffice.
"
"the countrified fare that i'm pickin'
is a helping of country fried chicken.
but your citified dish
doesn't look so delish:
is that rat still alive? . . . look, it's kickin'!
"
"in olden-time radio shows,
the narrator asks us, ""who knows
what evil there lurks
in the hearts of some jerks?""
well, a cardiognost, you'd suppose.
"
"as a larva, your job was to eat.
now cocooned, you've been wrapped really neat,
while you change, as you age,
to your sexual stage,
so the cycle of life can repeat.
"
"there are landmarks all over the place?
all those steeples they want me to chase.
so i jump over hedges
and land in the sedges . . .
with a horse, i'd be winning this race!
"
"what's plaguing my pet looks bubonic,
so the vet mixed my tomcat a tonic.
but i fear a mistake
since the cat's wide awake,
but immobile and stiff?how ironic!
"
"in our school's membrane bio curriculum,
we'll inspect endoplasmic reticulum.
if we fail to discern a
small fold or cisterna,
we're flunking the lab.  that's ridiculum.
"
"if that highly promiscuous broad
did a lap-dance performance for claude,
and she gave him the clap
as she bounced in his lap,
would she mind if he didn't applaud?
"
"how much postage to stick on the tail
of a whale that you ship through the mail?
to determine how great
is its weight with its crate,
counterbalance your freight on a scale.
"
"you showed them your daffiest graph
when you spoke to the math-teaching staff,
and your joke calculations
provoked cachinnations:
three chortles, two cackles, one laugh.
"
"as grover's grown up in the groves,
he has grown to love kitchens and stoves.
but we've noticed he serves
lots of garlic hors d'oeuvres,
given recipes calling for ""cloves"".
"
"pretentious french terriers bark
to impress other dogs in the park:
every yelp makes a sound
circumflected around,
with an odd diacritical mark.
"
"that judge with a penchant for wenchin'
will be fired (or ""retired"") with a pension.
he'll be parked on a bench
in the park, like a mensch,
once persuaded to trade his old bench in.
"
"that's as fast as your thoroughbred goes,
so the gap was unlikely to close.
now you're feeling morose
that your horse got so close,
but was destined to lose by a nose.
"
"lack of knee-pads and helmet's a gaffe:
bramatherium's newly born calf
wasn't osha-compliant?
a miocene giant
tumbling down from the mother giraffe.
"
"from your pancreas, juice slowly drips in,
for digesting your meal?fish 'n chips?in.
your duodenal gut
gets an enzyme to cut
polypeptides apart?chymotrypsin.
"
"why does sine-over-tan equal cos?
i had guessed, but my guess wasn't close,
since i don't give a fig
about functions in trig.
but my teacher, poor guy, was morose.
"
"she had less-than-spectacular sex
with her cockeyed optometrist ex,
who was ugly as hell?
but the girl couldn't tell,
since he'd undercorrected her specs.
"
"the cycle that michael will like
is more likely a bike than a trike.
his career as a courier
makes him a scurrier:
steadily pedalling mike.
"
"in the interest of comity, we
have arranged a committee to see
that cantankerous types
with unwarranted gripes
wear a gag, so they can't disagree.
"
"in the morning-time sky, we discern again
that the sun's traveled 'round to return again.
our assuredly true
geocentrical view
won't accept any crap that's copernican.
"
"the image my mirror reflects
isn't me, as, in many respects,
it's unable to capture
my traits that enrapture,
and characteristics that vex.
"
"said george, with no hint of remorse,
""i'll be keeping our forces in force
for as long as i choose.
it's the tactic i'll use
for refusing to lose: stay the course.""
"
"""that won't fit any jock in our stock,""
said the prissy young salesgirl, in shock.
""not a lot i can do?
it's too cockeyed?askew.
try the sporting goods store, down the block.""
"
"as the president lolled in a spa,
we were staging our swift coup d'?tat.
when we ripped out his throat,
we avoided a vote.
have you met the new president? moi.
"
"will your perfect and flawless complexion
withstand any closer inspection?
as mirrors get nearer,
your image gets clearer . . .
forget it, on further reflection.
"
"a day with beginnings auspicious
can turn into something pernicious,
rife with glumness and gloom
and destruction and doom.
wow, those toddlers can really be vicious!
"
"when red and black yarns intersect,
so the pattern appears to be checked,
then the wearer is clad
in a buffalo plaid,
with a checkerboard kind of effect.
"
"your carton arrived full of rubble, wrapped
in newspaper, even though double-wrapped.
shipping breakable glassware,
you're losing your ass, where
you shoulda jus' packaged 'em bubble-wrapped.
"
"he's been battered and shattered and staggered:
now we're staying and slaying the laggard.
though his fleet has retreated?
they're neatly defeated?
that bastard's a dastardly blackguard!
"
"""resistance is futile,"" you said,
while attempting to get me to bed.
but your chance isn't great:
you're too borg-like to date
'til that chip gets removed from your head.
"
"the length of a vector's projection
will depend on the vector's direction,
but can never exceed
its own length, and indeed,
inner products provide their connection.
"
"though i used to feel terror and dread,
too ascared to head out of my bed,
now that fear's disappeared
i've increasingly feared
phobophilia's striking instead.
"
"in protest, my latest epistle
objects to materials fissile,
so my letter's suggesting
we're better off testing
yet another anti-antimissile-missile-missile.
"
"she was happy her boy really dug her,
but annoyed that whenever he'd hug her,
he'd become, said the lass,
a real pain in the ass,
since he'd recently started to bug her.
"
"celeste is cerulean blue?
not the healthiest kind of a hue.
she's expecting to die,
so we'll bid her good-bye.
say adieu with no further ado.
"
"when the crow with the crown on his head
was pronounced by the coroner, dead,
all the crows tried to corner
the courtliest mourner,
to crown as the king in his stead.
"
"a tone-deaf young fellow named steiner
was a wannabe piano designer
'til his flat e and c
marred the sound of a key?
he's in jail for corrupting a minor.
"
"said the president, told that we'd lost,
""we will win this, no matter the cost!""
but the yearly expense
was so clearly immense
that we sense that he might have been sauced.
"
"though it's not my ambition to loll 'em
to sleep with my bi-weekly column,
my editor thought
stock analysis ought
to be colorless, boring, and solemn.
"
"body-centering, in crystals' creation,
adds a half-half-half lattice translation
as a symmetry op
that is added on top
of a straight orthorhombic foundation.
"
"as a crystal persistently grows,
every molecule knows where it goes:
every symmetry copy
avoids being sloppy,
arranging precisely in rows.
"
"your regime calls its scheme commonsensible.
it's efficient, but hardly defensible:
genocidal ""solutions""
with mass executions
will someday be judged reprehensible.
"
"an owl, who was gloomy and stygian,
swerved, avoiding a flighty young pigeon,
but lamented, with pique,
that she'd dented her beak
while preventing that two-bird colligeon.
"
"there's a pose that they call awkward chair,
where you sit, but the chair isn't there.
raise your arms by degrees,
as you bend at the knees,
with your butt hanging out in mid-air.
"
"said eve after adam's costotomy,
""though a rib doesn't seem like a lot t' me,
you do nothing but moan
for your stupid old bone.
are you sure it was not a lobotomy?""
"
"by the chickenhawks you were seduced,
so you ordered the dogs be unloosed?
playing chicken, no doubt.
now you're chickening out,
since the chickens have come home to roost.
"
"sometimes columns or trees are displayed,
even-spaced, in a line or arcade.
but your notion to pose
people's colons in rows
makes a helluva strange colonnade.
"
"some ascarids live in your gut.
these roundworms are harmful, somewhat.
it's quite hard to cure 'em:
you mostly endure 'em.
their eggs sometimes come out your butt.
"
"i'd embark on defining commence,
but the word isn't making much sense.
not a clue where to start,
'cuz i'm not very smart.
i'd begin if i wuzn't so dense.
"
"put the batter who swings for the fence fourth.
(his production of runs is immense, fourth.)
since his ball often lands
in the centerfield stands,
hitting cleanup is where he'll bat henceforth.
"
"who first gave the caveman his club
and declared it was how he got grub?
was the way he attacked
incontestable fact,
or some drunk anthropologist's flub?
"
"the commendable tern told his mother,
""how i yearn for a less evil brother!
since birds of a feather
like flocking together,
one good tern's deserving another.""
"
"the decedent had taken a nap
with his laptop atop of his lap.
when its circuits got fried
and exploded, he died.
was he killed by some chill killer app?
"
"said hamlet, ""the question is this:
can we hope to control when we piss?
if we're continent, we
could decide when to pee?
or not to pee.  that would be bliss!""
"
"we'll commiserate, feeling much sorrow,
at the commissary meeting tomorrow,
since there's nothing to eat
for the army's retreat
in defeat down mount kilimanjaro.
"
"that comedian keeps acting dafter,
but he doesn't get very much laughter.
if he'd steal better jokes
that appeal to more folks,
then he might get the laughter he's after.
"
"she was trailing a loverly brown cow,
while reciting the question, ""how now?""
she neglected to stop,
tripped and slipped on a flop,
took a header, and flipped on her brow.
"
"chef would chafe if you told him, ""enough?
too much stuffing and marshmallow fluff!""
with a chortling laugh,
he'd dismiss that as chaff,
but they're chiefest of reasons he's chuff.
"
"antivenin? i thought that i'd packed it,
but, with horror, discovered i lacked it.
if attacked by a snake,
i'd have nothing to take
for the poison, to help counteract it.
"
"you were cleverly trying to cleave,
when your cleaver got caught on your sleeve.
since you've cloven the weft,
and it's shredded what's left,
that's a sleeve you won't need to retrieve.
"
"while you're reading my verses, feel free
to get naked as naked can be.
i'm providing, at times,
clothing-optional rhymes,
as the comfort of readers is key.
"
"causidics who argue a cause?
able orators versed in the laws?
understandably seek,
speaking week after week,
ever stronger, more muscular, jaws.
"
"""your projector might fail,"" warned the geek,
""so be chary, preparing to speak.""
""before giving my talk,
i could check on the chalk,""
chuckled chuck, who was chock full of cheek.
"
"the churchman has thought to retire,
as his sermons all fail to inspire.
he's convinced he's a bore
'cuz the rush to the door
leaves him preaching (ahem) to the choir.
"
"when that cluster of boisterous nuns
took a novice, who weighed several tons,
and decided to hoist her
up over the cloister ...
they got spanked on their hot cross-ed buns.
"
"corrugations from self-interference,
with a parallel-stripey appearance,
are produced by two slits,
when a particle splits,
to exemplify quantum coherence.
"
"though the gut-dwelling colibacillus
will typically harmlessly fill us,
we'll be needing to cure ya
of colibacilluria,
and colibacillemia could kill us.
"
"a merry young moray named murray
cried ""marry! 'tis meet that i hurry,
since i've spotted a conger eel?
a longer and stronger eel?
the threat i'll be et is my worry!""
"
"the french, so i've heard, have a word
when a small contretemps has occurred:
when misfortune appears,
one repeatedly hears
frenchmen muttering something like ""murd"".
"
"there are jokes you can play on the folks
to persuade them to clamber up oaks:
offer cokes for a dime,
and you'll coax them to climb,
'til the folks figure out it's a hoax.
"
"prostitution affects the ambition
of a caught-in-the-act politician.
when his act of coition
gives foes ammunition,
it becomes a no-win proposition.
"
"a coquettish cornetist, yvette,
toots her horn in a horny sextet.
though essaying to flirt less,
she's playing while shirtless?
her forfeit for losing a bet.
"
"here's a caught-in-the-act politician
who's performing an act of contrition:
in the government sphere
acts of congress appear
to include certain acts of coition.
"
"in our chemistry test preparation,
we're exploring for more information
on a compound called chloroform,
lest we ignore a form
of carbon with halogenation.
"
"catoptromancers are oft overrated,
but the fortune came true, as she stated.
when the mirror (catopter)
fell over and bopped her,
she died from her wounds, as was fated.
"
"when two variates vary in tandem,
statisticians can help understand 'em.
correlations between
deviations from mean
make covariance measures non-random.
"
"though your monkey's a tripe-writing whiz,
you'll be selling your business as is.
""piss-poor future,"" you gripe,
""owning monkeys that type,
since computers are wrecking the biz!""
"
"""your posterior smells really foul!""
cried the wrestler, beginning to howl.
""would you care to withdraw
both your buns from my jaw?
they're abutting too close, cheek by jowl!""
"
"will society get to the stage
that the people of color we gauge
to be black, brown or red
are more properly said
to be brownish or pinkish or beige?
"
"all the cotton's gone rotten, i find,
'cuz the harvest has fallen behind.
i agreed to delay;
but i see, in dismay,
i was outta my cotton-picking mind.
"
"when a triangle's trying to hide,
it should stand, not in front nor beside,
but behind, end-to-end,
with its congruent friend,
so their triangle sides coincide.
"
"standing last in the chortling queue
is the best that a chuckler can do.
you were chuffed, laughing last,
'til you noticed, aghast,
that some cackler arrived after you.
"
"some constants in life never alter,
like the views of my grandfather, walter.
though his eyesight may fail
as his body gets frail,
his beliefs are the rock of gibraltar.
"
"you edits my righting so good,
like a reel copy editor would.
but you looks so perplext,
copyediting text,
when my egnlish gets miss understud.
"
"any boy could die ere fully grown.
hurt in jumping, kids listlessly moan.
now our patient, quite rested,
seeks treatments untested.
very well, x-ray yesterday's zone.
"
"in springtime, as growth is resuming,
and rootstocks are busting out, booming,
why are trees merely budding
from raining and flooding,
but idiots thoroughly blooming?
"
"you enter new hampshire and sigh,
as you've spotted the sign, driving by,
since you didn't expect
all the tolls they collect
in a state that says ""live free or die"".
"
"can judges in contests of beauty,
undertaking their putative duty,
trust rearward perspectives
in selecting allectives,
electing some bootyous cutie?
"
"does your lawnmower languish for days
as you doze in a daze on a chaise?
staying languid so longue
on a lounge isn't wrong:
you've been busily soaking up rays.
"
"a stock-picking novice named joe
didn't know where the market would go,
and ignoring his yearnings
for corporate earnings,
bought meeny, and miney, and moe.
"
"it's plain that the vain entertainer
needs cortectomy, quick, to restrain her.
""get a surgeon,"" we said,
""who can scoop out her head.
it's an obvious cure?a no-brainer!""
"
"said threadneedle, starting to purr,
""that will certainly never occur.
you can bank on it: that cat
will ne'er be a fat cat,""
while absently licking his fur.
"
"when she turned seventeen, she was nasty and mean,
and the way she looked was way beyond repair.
so i went up to bed
with her mother, instead,
and i left her standing there.
"
"one can spend a dependable coin
in detroit or duluth or des moines.
but whenever they pay
with a slug, one should say,
""here's a three-dollar bill in retoin.""
"
"the shellfish she sells at the dock'll
taste as bad as a crock full o' rock'll,
but that sweet lissome form
of young molly can warm
every cold myocardial cockle.
"
"your proctologist called and he said
that they didn't find polyps. instead,
as they rummaged around
through the clutter they found
miscellaneous crap?and your head.
"
"viewing artwork is what he enjoys,
as a guard the museum employs.
he'd be better, he's sure,
than their art connoisseur,
if they'd give him some art to connoisse.
"
"i've amassed an impressive collection
of schedules concerning each section
of my journey by bus:
i consult them, and thus
i avoid missing any connection.
"
"all morning, the florist related
how this glorious bud is created:
""its totally awesome
contortuplicate blossom
has petals both twisted and plaited.""
"
"when you're shipping the juice of a fruit,
but it's costly to ship it dilute,
try to concentrate, ponder?
don't let your mind wander?
and think of a way that's astute.
"
"are twisted as listed,
the master of meter reported
but start to make sense, reassorted.
all the lines, he insisted,
that your limerick's gotten contorted.
"
"the content the movie presented
left you sad and depressed, not contented.
it was frankly so bad
that you're thankful and glad
that you won't have to keep it?it's rented.
"
"when installing our sink, we'll request
that the screw heads be fully depressed.
have our contractor mount 'er
up under the counter
with countersunk woodscrews recessed.
"
"if you're seeking a caecum, you ought
first to see where a caecum is sought.
you should quest for intestine
that food comes to rest in
and stays temporarily caught.
but be brave in your questin'
for sacs to digest in:
if gutless, your searching's for naught.
"
"much radical culture conforms
to the same counter-cultural norms:
it's repeatedly sprung
from the middle-class young
who indwell university dorms.
"
"every spring, it's my annual habit
to anaesthetize, briefly, a rabbit.
are there eggs? not a one.
that's the reason it's done:
where's the damned ether bunny, dagnabbit???
"
"a leaf has a reason to grieve
for the colors of fall, i perceive.
that's a final goodbye
while preparing to die,
in advance of the time it will leave.
"
"when you're herding your seahorses, pal,
keep them cooped in a single locale.
if the question gets posed
you can keep them enclosed
and confined in a coral corral.
"
"the corporal found it a chore
looking after the troops in his corps.
as their capo, or head,
he's the reason they're dead:
turned to corpses while fighting their war.
"
"lacking backbone, a spineless young grub
couldn't get any dates in a pub.
though he thought he'd get more dates
by joining the chordates,
we won't let him into our club.
"
"chaturanga dandasana pose:
keeping wrists near your waist, you arose,
while your body stayed straight.
in this push-up, your weight
was supported by palms and by toes.
"
"though a prayer may protect you from sin,
i have realized now, with chagrin,
that it's not even close
when it comes to a cos.
when you tangle with angles, they win.
"
"when you proffer an offer of proof
that includes a conceptual goof,
then your chances fall off
for a job as a prof.
they will think that it proves you're a doof.
"
"the warden was heard to opine
that the convicts who step out of line
will be banned from the mess:
for the ones who transgress,
bread and water seems aptly condign.
"
"a collie's a dog that can tell
timmy's mom that he fell down a well.
but it's tough to repair
all the knots in the hair
of the lassie from dog-grooming hell.
"
"the topology prof sounded chipper
'bout becoming a moebius stripper.
she'll be able to doff
any clothes coming off
with a twisted, continuous zipper.
"
"according to what i just heard,
cocozelle's an actual word.
since it's nonsense?what bosh!?
it's essential we squash
definitions of things so absurd.
"
"""whatever i lack, you supply,""
said the girl to her complement guy,
'til she saw, with chagrin,
that the yang to her yin
had his hand on some other girl's thigh.
"
"your chemistry quiz left you sighin'.
get a clue that bisulfate's implyin'
acid sulfate, no more
than an hso4,
univalent, a negative ion.
"
"when you're wearing a watch on your wrist,
there's a stem to remember to twist
with a gear like a crown
so the spring won't run down.
you forget, so it stops, and you're pissed.
"
"army rangers, including fernando,
hit the beach, down the road from orlando.
but his uniform slacks
made it hard to relax?
he's supposed to be going commando.
"
"the show where her costume gets torn
leaves poor janet upset and forlorn.
she reacts to it gloomily,
the butt of contumely?
contemptuous, arrogant scorn.
"
"a kinky young cobbler named heather
found a use for her leftover leather.
now she's starting to sell
to a new clientele;
you should see what she's cobbled together.
"
"anosphresia's making me think:
are you right when you claim that i stink?
if a man couldn't smell,
how the hell would he tell?
hold your nose while i buy you a drink.
"
"i am spinning the lock, asking, ""please,
was it something with sevens and threes?""
i can never recall
combinations at all.
'twould be simpler just losing some keys.
"
"though accountants for bitten & claude
can confirm that their records are flawed,
they'll be forming a firm
while they're serving a term
with a cellmate con-victed of fraud.
"
"a high priest of science, named herschel,
thought religion was too controversial,
so he mixed physics in
with discussions of sin,
and thanked god that his mass is inertial.
"
"our objectives were not all attained,
as some unresolved questions remained,
but i doubt that it's possible
to make them cognoscible,
as certain things can't be explained.
"
"on ebay, my offer is shown:
how to make a philosopher's stone.
i'll be rolling in gold
once my method is sold,
and a source of some carmot is known.
"
"though i wrote you a contract or three,
you're refusing to pay me my fee.
so you know what i'll do:
i'm intending to sue?
once i've gotten my legal degree.
"
"it's the '60s. conformity ends,
as that flower child firmly contends.
she's unique, individual,
wholly original?
exactly like all of her friends.
"
"'til enrolling in cookery class,
all your cooking had tasted like ass.
now your great-tasting beans,
based on vegan cuisines,
mean you're finally cooking with gas!
"
"""why do copycats imitate me?
now she's also a mother-to-be,
and she's picked out a name
that's exactly the same,""
said ms. dum, of her neighbor, ms. dee.
"
"though the army that pyrrhus had bossed
won their battle, it came at a cost.
now the self-contradictory
term  pyrrhic victory
tells of a mission that's lost.
"
"in the fall, when the weather turns coolish,
do your kids become stubbornly mulish
in refusing to wear
any clothes lacking flair,
so their friends won't consider them foolish?
"
"the war that your council depicted
wasn't waged in the way they predicted.
should a treaty be signed?
you can't make up your mind,
since you're feeling entirely conflicted.
"
"for the addict accustomed to smack,
or the cokehead addicted to crack,
here's your dealer's best deal:
you get wasted or he'll
give you double your monkey right back.
"
"the teen and her parents consented;
all parties concerned were contented.
these consentient three
absolutely agree.
one or more of them must be demented.
"
"my girlfriend, christella, i learn,
can be brittle and thin?a concern.
and the past of this lady
was markedly shady,
when everyone knew her as ""fern"".
"
"the bricklayer's starting to mope:
his assistant, that blockheaded dope,
ordered boatloads of soapstone
to use as a copestone,
and now they'll be struggling to cope.
"
"there's a wine that's just fine?copacetic?
as an anti- (against-) diuretic.
drink this wine to suppress
urine's flow in excess.
special grapes: pinot more. (that's pathetic!)
"
"at concerts, the volume gets lower,
to appeal to the new concertgoer:
now that average consumers
are middle-aged boomers,
the rockers are older and slower.
"
"an hysterical classicist, eric
(whose fears are a bit esoteric)
is reputed to fear a
phantasmal chimera
(but we're sure that his monster's chimeric).
"
"you've a lifetime of bad karmic debt,
so our heavenly angels regret
that your clarion call
will be scanty and small:
they'll be sending a clarionet.
"
"it was hard to ignore all the gore, tex,
from your brain getting sucked in a vortex?
all except for its layer
that's outer and grayer.
be glad that you've still got your cortex.
"
"""i work on our manuscript nightly,
but the text has increased only slightly.
i expect we'll be late,
but regretfully state
i have writer's block,"" tom said contritely.
"
"the official is icily clear:
""we don't cotton to bribery here.
take those greenbacks and go.""
and he points to the dough,
with his haughty, can't-tempt-you-us sneer.
"
"see those mockingbirds? you're what they mocked.
""what a booby!"" they crowed as they flocked.
you should quit acting gooney,
like a birdbrained old loony,
or a nut-hatch is where you'll get locked.
"
"""i'm convinced that your alibi's fiction.
you've been caught in the wrong jurisdiction.
contradictory facts
show your criminal acts.
twenty years!"" cried the judge, with conviction.
"
"tom's relationship started amusively,
but too soon, it developed abusively.
""if you can't be a friend,
i insist it must end,""
finished tom to his partner, conclusively.
"
"though lee and i studied conjunctly,
our study group ended defunctly.
well, you know how it is:
he was hardly a whiz,
and he failed every quiz, so they flunked lee.
"
"sheila's seen tufty green fluffy flocculi,
which she spies with her eyes (that's her oculi).
now she pants for a rhyme
for those plants that can climb,
for to write something sprightly on cocculus.
"
"the tooth fairy's gang's gotten scary,
in attacking the zonked and unwary.
being thorough and ruthless,
they're leaving 'em toothless,
as advised by their two consiglieri.
"
"since your language is starting to coarsen,
here's the elegant phrase we're endorsin':
in the future, please switch
from ""you son-of-a-bitch!""
to ""you churlish contemptible whoreson!""
"
"testy poets devoting their time,
penning odes that are less than sublime,
find that argument's terser
when each contro-verser
provokes disagreement in rhyme.
"
"in my dream, i recalled with chagrin
what a great concertmaster i'd been,
'til the orchestra voted
to have me demoted
to cowbell from first violin.
"
"when a fire walker carelessly strolls,
so she grievously injures her soles,
castigation awaits her:
her trainer berates her
while raking her over the coals.
"
"please forgive friday's absence by craig.
you've complained his excuses are vague.
now he's ready for class,
but on friday, alas,
he had briefly contracted the plague.
"
"moist air hits my car in the cold,
leaving droplets of dew, i behold.
under zero degrees,
this condensate will freeze,
so i can't get my windows unrolled.
"
"stick to speaking of stuff that you know, gents,
where your judgment and savvy will show, gents.
all the thoughts you've conveyed
lack the force to persuade.
where's your competence, reason, and cogence?
"
"was the plumber excessively groggy
when repairing my pipes, which were cloggy?
they are still filled with crud,
so my flat has a flood,
and the clogs on my feet are all soggy.
"
"it's cockcrow, the first light of dawn.
i'm in bed, and my curtains are drawn.
but i'm apt to forget,
and alarms get mis-set.
what a cockup! my ship will be gone!
"
"convolution's becoming a pain,
since this integral transform's arcane:
it's not easy to see
how to form f * g,
so it hurts every fold in my brain.
"
"the consistency, texture, and feel
of the clammiest, slimiest eel
can consistently make
someone shiver and shake,
while emitting a squawk or a squeal.
"
"when the weather turns cool, as a rule,
you'll be bundling your children for school.
will you foolishly clothe
them in clothing they loathe:
hats and mittens perceived as uncool?
"
"cosmology majors get tense
when the universe feels too immense,
so they're planning to take up
the study of makeup:
cosmetology studies make sense.
they're preferring the latter
to studying matter:
such material's hard to condense.
"
"it's rumored that real estate's dying,
so consumers feel poorer, implying
that the holiday sale
will most probably fail.
that's my theory.  is anyone buying?
"
"your fugu? it's hopeless to fix it,
since the chef made the error to mix it
with contaminant stuff
that was deadly enough
that we can't find a place to deep-six it.
"
"angus said what the voters demanded,
lest the scottish election be handed
to a scotsman less blunt?
less entirely upfront:
canny candidates cannae be candid.
"
"all her work disappeared down a hole,
so the user is hard to console.
what a cynical tease
that the console names keys
for the fiction of human control!
"
"other speakers were wowing the crowd,
but she vowed that she wouldn't be cowed.
as the brassiest lass
in her rhetoric class,
she was proudly a summa cum loud.
"
"since the snake-tailed echidna gave birth
to the hellhounds born under the earth,
can you guess what those chthonian,
hellish, plutonian
puppies are probably worth?
"
"our kennel will not be outdone,
as our hellhounds are second to none.
no one enters a yard
with a kerberos guard,
proving three heads are better than one.
"
"""let's go bareback,"" he wheedles and begs,
though she risks getting fertilized eggs.
her suspicion still lingers,
while crossing her fingers,
she should have been crossing her legs.
"
"pled the cougher, ""i've got a request:
i've been sick, and i want to be blessed.""
said the priest, ""once you offer
some gold for our coffer,
we'll pray for the cold in your chest.""
"
"she can unify voters, all right,
but her chance of election is slight,
since, according to polls,
her consolidant role's
been to help her opponents unite.
"
"the price of your prize, when appraised,
as you might have surmised, has been raised.
so, now you're apprised
that the price was revised.
don't look so surprised, or amazed.
"
"as a perfume with fragrant bouquet
is compressed through a nozzle, away,
it is atomised so
all the drops in the flow
are too small to discern in the spray.
"
"those coliform colonies restin'
in the folds of your colon (intestine)
like to colonize there
'cuz they're getting a share
of the food that they help with digestin'.
"
"since his wound from the spear is severe,
they will cauterize, meaning to sear
with an iron so hot
it can make the blood clot,
but i fear it's a pain in the rear.
"
"when pronouncing a word of this size,
where to stress is a guess?a surmise.
so a frenchman, with flair,
would declare ""au contraire!""
where a brit argues contrariwise.
"
"she was held in contempt voluntarily,
and was sentenced to prison summarily,
at the very same time
as her partner in crime,
but was only a con temporarily.
"
"""it's just logic!"" exclaimed tweedledee.
""if it really were so, as you see,
you'd be thinking, i know,
that it nohow ain't so,
but, contrariwise, wouldn't it be?""
"
"a clavicorn beetle gets fed
(earns its living) by eating the dead.
and the bug is so dubbed
for its ""horns"", which are club-
shaped antennae atop of its head.
"
"a nerve with a message to tell
sends the news to each neighboring cell.
that's why critters with jitters
need neurotransmitters:
their neurons can't very well yell.
"
"that waiter's a traitorous meanie!
i'd expect he'd select a zucchini,
not some damn cocozelle
to cram in my belly,
when i ordered a gourd with linguine.
"
"if a bond or a car or a bed
is convertible, thereby it's said
it can somehow assertably
incontrovertibly
change into something instead.
"
"though my major is really a snap,
i'm afraid that i fell in a trap:
i had hoped  there were gobs
of coprology jobs,
but in truth, no one studies that crap.
"
"though you're healthy and wealthy and wise,
your comestibles sometimes surprise:
like your craving a crappy meal?
a fatty unhappy meal?
to go with your side of mcfries.
"
"in pursuit of the high and sublime,
convolvulaceae start on their climb.
but biology dooms
all their trumpet-shaped blooms,
as they live for the briefest of time.
"
"your betrothed was exposed to your classlessness
when you crassly made fun of her asslessness.
she's completely enraged;
you're no longer engaged;
and you're desolate, mourning your lasslessness.
"
"""i've spoken to constance,"" said claire.
""she admits that she's had an affaire.""
though the lady starts chattily,
she adds, somewhat cattily,
""he's a gamekeeper.  really.  i swear.""
"
"if a woman's official vocation
is commander in chief of the nation,
then the army must do
what she's telling them to.
what a broad overgeneralization!
"
"a cave man, it's commonly said,
neither courted nor wedded nor pled.
when he wanted to conquer
a woman, and bonk her,
he'd conk her upside of the head.
"
"the dressmaker, frantic, would shout
when the order was late getting out.
""move your buns!"" she would crack
to the seamstress in back,
as she busily bustled about.
"
"a languish the anguish awl no
lats yews pail lake use peak, eve an sew.
ape blinkin' wands rote
satchel lion, an nigh quoad
thistly: ""force core rinse haven yures sag go.""
"
"wearing sheer undergarments from freud
is a practice it's best to avoid.
inadvertent exposure
affects one's composure,
which leaves one abashed and annoyed.
"
"in summation, my new occupation
is creating a small compilation,
whose basic foundation
is pure fabrication?
my compendiary of misinformation.
"
"our teecher of english, miss snelling,
isn't finding our speling compeling.
she foretels she'll expell us,
and yels to compell us.
but, hel, we excell at mispeling!
"
"in this vector space, product formation
is a highly complex operation.
we'll be making a case
that some real-valued space
was enhanced by complexification.
"
"temptations are notably rife
in the bible, as much as in life;
but you're asking for trouble?
a two-for-one double?
to covet the ass of my wife.
"
"i'm a pilot. so why am i puzzled?
it's the beer that i've avidly guzzled.
now i've woken bemused,
slightly dazed and confused.
lucky thing i can fly while confuzzled.
"
"angiocardiogram? i suppose,
since i've seen radiology pros.
they're injecting some dye
in a vein in my thigh,
and then watching to see where it goes.
"
"when you've fallen asleep, by degrees,
and your nose hits the noisiest keys,
there's a series of ticks
and repetitive clicks,
while your screen is convulsing with zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
"
"you can wrap up your set in a packet
'twixt a left and a right squiggly bracket?
ones with flourish and swoop,
both embracing the group.
but a } by itself just won't hack it.
"
"as a yoga practitioner knows,
when you sit with your knees near your toes,
with your shins neatly stacked,
like a fire-log, in fact,
you're in agnistambhasana pose.
"
"a codex is neat, on the whole,
since its parchment won't drop and unroll.
so i'm thinking of switching
to bindings by stitching
the leaves in a book, not a scroll.
"
"my aunt, the enchanting chanteuse,
went to france in pursuit of her muse.
but aoide refused?
said the muse, unamused,
""i can't choose which chanson to abuse.""
"
"you're the consummate spoiled prima donna,
but compulsory means that you're gonna.
though you vainly yell, ""screw it!""
you're expected to do it,
regardless of whether you wanna.
"
"chromhidrosis would get you upset
at the pigments your clothing would get,
as the stain lipofuscin
won't look so amusin'
in green-, black-, or pink-colored sweat.
"
"since your chalk-laden chocolates taste queer,
hawking chocolate's an awkward career.
check those chalk-wielding chicks
chucking chalk sticks for kicks,
lest we choke on your chalk, chocolatier!
"
"protein mixtures pipetted in wells,
and impelled by electrical cells,
form in bands, by and large,
by their size and their charge,
as they travel in agarose gels.
"
"cried a tree cricket maiden named mayda,
""i'll be joining the plague in grenada,
since i'm totally focused
on becoming a locust,
and not just some stupid cicada!""
"
"with my home too expensive to heat 'er,
the monastic solution is neater:
a calefactory room
for when fuel prices zoom,
overheated, past ten bucks per litre.
"
"""yon achilles pursues me quixotically,""
quoth the tortoise, a bit idiotically,
""despite wearisome theories
of infinite series,
he can only get close asymptotically.""
"
"i have authored a long chromatology
to explain our obscure methodology
in the science of color,
which couldn't be duller.
i offer my red-faced apology.
"
"in life, she had loved sensuality,
but spectral, regrets practicality:
that a carnal romance
has no ghost of a chance
when one lacks the required corporality.
"
"the compendium wendy compiled
was impressive for only a child.
by the dosage and lot,
she had catalogued pot
older campers had grown in the wild.
"
"her childlessness fills her with gloom,
but she won't be some foetus's room.
so she opts for adoption,
avoiding co-option
of tenant-free space in her womb.
"
"every night come her pleas in reprise:
""i can't sleep when you snuffle and wheeze,
and it's hard to ignore
when you snort and you snore.
can't you please let me catch me some zzzzzzz?""
"
"in springtime, the graduate senses,
here's the end of outrageous expenses.
so with hope in her heart,
she begins to depart
when the end of commencement commences.
"
"her classes i? spa?ish i?stilled a
prete?sio? i? stude?t bru?hilde:
she imagi?es it's highbrow
to add o? a? eyebrow
to every last ?, with a tilde.
"
"a bragger with plenty of swagger
liked to wear an elaborate ?
'til it fell on her foot?
note the hole that she put
in her boot?when it happened to snag her.
"
"""in bankruptcy,"" debtorman cheers,
""all our growing indebtedness clears.
after losing our ass,
we'll be getting a pass:
we have nothing to lose but arrears!""
"
"""i wanted a froggie,"" wailed poppy,
""not some floppy green rubberized copy!
i mean, jeez, what's the deal?
this is clearly not real!""
she was wrong.  it was dead.  how un-hoppy!
"
"i have aged, and discovered, alas,
that my back and my waist and my ass
underwent consolidation?
solidification
into one shapeless unified mass.
"
"that foreigner's spending two-grandish:
he's buying more brandy to brandish.
the liquor is cheap,
but the prices are steep,
so that auslander's acting outlandish.
"
"according to beecher, my preacher,
the creator created each creature;
but the mystery's solved
if each critter evolved,
disagrees my zoology teacher.
"
"we'd been boozing it up, and were willing,
but the sex wasn't very fulfilling:
we were short on technique,
with our flesh proven weak,
while our spirits arose from distilling.
"
"she perched, without pants, on my blotter;
i imagined the scene would get hotter.
it was not what you think:
she had sat in some ink,
and was hoping the pad would de-spot her.
"
"the gay-basher fervently hates
massachusetts and eagerly waits
for the earthquakes to cleave
all its borders and leave
forty-seven contiguous states.
"
"with fossorial feet, mr. mole
makes destroying my garden his goal.
i'd installed wire mesh,
but his tunnels are fresh,
and his digging goes well, as a whole.
"
"canny cannibals, joining the greens,
cooking healthier vegan cuisines,
found that tofu would do
in their cannibal stew?
though their bean curd required human beans.
"
"by the self-diagnosis you're making,
you're the coroner's next undertaking;
but your doc disagrees
that your cryptic disease
is a mystery, claiming you're faking.
"
"my three-year-old's making  designs
with repeatedly criss-crossing lines,
drawn in several directions,
with more intersections
than criss-cross routinely defines.
"
"she's a leader with judgment and poise,
but she's pushy and often annoys.
her campaign's in distress,
and she'll lose it unless
women voters all girlcott the boys.
"
"said darwin, whenever a critter
succeeds in its niche, being fitter,
its survivorship means
that it passes its genes
to its next-generational litter.
"
"it's not that i wish to be crass,
but i'm really admiring your ass.
and i hope you don't mind
if i seem unrefined
when i offer to feed him some grass.
"
"i'll have to admit a proclivity
for occasional slight creativity
in the writing of verse:
i could surely do worse
in my choice of a pointless activity.
"
"his response to her question was terse;
her rejoinder was making things worse.
not the cleverest guy,
so his counterreply
was to give up retorting, and curse.
"
"i arrived just in time for my date,
but she claimed i was horribly late:
her chronometer reckoned
the tenth of a second
my tardiness caused her to wait.
"
"your cost basis sum is displayed,
with commissions and prices you paid,
less your claimed depreciation
that reduced your taxation,
plus the costs of improvements you made.
"
"the word anapest, voiced in translation,
has a clear anapestic formation.
either latin, fran?ais,
or auf deutsch, it's okay:
but it's dactyl in british narration!
"
"""renting boats is a venture that pays,""
ventures 'arry. ""there's numerous ways:
when the paddles get lost,
you charge more than they cost.
what's an oarmonger earning these days?""
"
"plastic surgery made you walk comically,
while its costs have gone up astronomically;
and your surgeon should know
that an ass shouldn't go
where an elbow's required anatomically.
"
"""if your poodle keeps humping my knee,
will a pregnancy happen to me?""
little nell thought that up,
since she wanted a pup.
not the slightest conception had she.
"
"watch an insect fall under the power
of a certain carnivorous flower
whose corolla has shape
to prevent an escape.
what a beautiful way to devour!
"
"at perception and reason, we stink,
so it's dangerous trying to think;
and we've reached a decision
to limit cognition
to thinking of taking a drink.
"
"i regard these events with alarm:
it appears that i've done you some harm.
by coincidence, you
put your head in my view
when, by chance, i was swinging my arm.
"
"the floor and the ceiling went splat,
so your flat was entirely flat,
thereby making a goo
of your roommate and you.
coplanarity's something like that.
"
"we're so plainly amazed at the way
that the airlines make every flight pay.
now my seat-mates and i,
lying nigh thigh-to-thigh,
form a perfect coplanar array.
"
"belt and braces are more than a tease:
they're a double-security wheeze.
with a teenager's style
they'll make a boy smile,
as his trousers hang down by his knees.
"
"two cons, just released out of stir,
tried adopting a dog, as it were,
but they couldn't agree
what its gender should be.
it's a bitch that they couldn't concur.
"
"complex numbers, in numerous ways,
map to vectors in planar displays,
giving size information
and orientation:
a magnitude part and a phase.
"
"a lama (some ill-tempered cleric)
became angered (as some say, choleric)
when some vibrio comma
infected the lama
with cholera's symptoms enteric.
"
"said cherry, the cheerleader, cheerly,
""does a cheerleader's cheerfulness merely
serve to help her to hide
her irascible side?
no, we cheerleaders mean it sincerely!!!""
"
"the flight of a bullet's too fast
for a stopwatch to note when it's passed;
but our chronoscope's reckoned
each fractional second,
providing the answer at last.
"
"according to something i heard,
bird-of-paradise isn't a bird.
you could grow one from seed,
but the seed that you need
isn't birdseed?which seems quite absurd.
"
"a birdfeeder's handy, indeed:
you can fill its container with seed.
then you're treated all day
to a vivid display?
if you like watching squirrels come feed.
"
"near a flame, charlotte spider descends
where her fluttering filament ends.
she could hang by a thread;
she could touch and be dead.
which contingence occurs just depends.
"
"though you risk doing serious time,
you've been using computers in crime,
where your hacking of files
from a distance of miles
cost your victims their very last dime.
"
"the twiddle's your home's appellation,
or denotes inexact valuation.
if you aren't hard-core,
it's a bit of a snore
when it signifies bitwise negation.
"
"he presides in the land of the free,
always trying to rule by decree.
once the ne'er-do-well son
of his dad, 41,
he's the shrub who's been dubbed 43.
"
"making citrate is hardly a chore.
start with oxaloacetate's four.
citrate synthase's tricks
gets the carbons to six,
once acetyl coa adds two more.
"
"that pizza shop owner seems jovial,
throwing pies that are square and not ovial,
but his penchant for dropping
adds mud-balls as topping,
which he fishily claims are anchovial.
"
"our coincident autos collided
when their time and their place coincided.
if you'd waited a while,
we'd have missed by a mile;
and my choice not to stop was misguided.
"
"categorization procedures, in short,
involve groupings of things that purport
to have similar traits,
where the outcome relates
to criteria used in the sort.
"
"when seeking a refund desired
for merchandise, as it transpired,
permission was sought
to return what we'd bought:
there was authorization required.
"
"of the horndogs who hang at macgregor's,
half are spermers; the others are eggers.
those eschewing protection
are risking infection,
and cannot conceive getting preggers.
"
"the dinner that food critic billy ate
was so gross that he plans to humiliate
jeff the chef and his staff.
he declined, with a laugh,
when they offered him lunch to conciliate.
"
"a shut-in who lived in a hut
liked to gaze at the waterfront, but
when the trees grew to block
his nice view of the dock,
chopping all of them down was clear-cut.
"
"a newspaper writer named marty
penned a weekly critique of the arty.
but his views were refused
by the news, which accused
him of joining the columnist party.
"
"when you're taking square roots, it's a pain
if your numbers turn negative. gain
an advantage quite sly
by imagining i:
mathematical legerdemain.
"
"all the bassist's assistants filed cases,
based on base and distasteful embraces,
which hastened the bassist's
erasing his traces
from places like cases and basses.
"
"he had once manufactured the kind
of a countertop clerks stand behind.
but they called him obstructive
and counterproductive;
he's cleared out his desk and resigned.
"
"a pharmacist, feeling concoctive,
mixed some hormones he'd got overstocked of.
now he's shocked and appalled
that he's suddenly bald,
while his voice has been raised by an octave.
"
"conscientious consumers, like vance,
follow rules, leaving little to chance.
he can read what to do
on his latest tattoo:
""eat food.  not too much.  mostly plants.""
"
"when mollie the collie goes out,
using smell, she can tell who's about.
since she gave me a lick,
i'm convinced i'll get sick,
as i'm sure where she's sticking her snout.
"
"when describing the old complex plane,
we explain what the plane should contain:
at each point, all around,
complex numbers are found
incomplexly, sans legerdemain.
"
"though an editor might be insistent,
if a limerick writer's persistent,
he eschews inconsistency,
preferring consistency,
making sure that his rhymes are consistent.
"
"since you've let those bacteria near ya?
all those club-shaped corynebacteria?
there's a membranous coat
on the back of your throat,
and you've likely contracted diphtheria.
"
"dee steinway, cut down in her prime,
had arrived at the scene of the crime
just exactly when planned,
as a stray concert grand
fell to earth at the very same time.
"
"does a mollusk just clumsily blunder
when propelling the shell that it's under?
or are steps in the sand
conscientiously planned?
just how conscient are conches, i wonder?
"
"now that fat cat is happily chuff,
having power and money and stuff,
but his corpulent feline,
who's making a beeline
for sustenance, can't get enough.
"
"""those clusters,"" said custer complacently,
""only start to encircle us nascently.
in relation to us,
the lakotas will thus
want to locate themselves circumjacently.""
"
"when the wings of a fighter are swept
towards the back, it is likely adept
at exceeding the speed
interceptors would need
to succeed and, indeed, intercept.
"
"yellow blossoms in dense chaparral:
that's the bush poppy's main rationale.
it's an evergreen shrub
that grows well in the scrub,
right at home in its fire-prone locale.
"
"i've
been
programming
spreadsheets
for
weeks,
with
default
data
entry
techniques.
since
their
scheme,
in
the
norm,
is
columnar
in
form,
i
have
lim'ricks
requiring
some
tweaks.
"
"""but, batman,"" replied the commissioner,
""poor batgirl is probably wishin' her
beautician would wash
out the guano. my gosh,
all it takes is shampoo and conditioner.""
"
"said einstein, ""imagine we might
hitch a ride on a stray beam of light.""
but the airliner fleet's
got more comfortable seats.
see, that fellow just wasn't too bright.
"
"i've been crashing it into some rocks,
and then smashing it under some blocks.
i would play with the turtle
you sent me, aunt myrtle,
but can't get it out of the box.
"
"said smokey, ""i'm sworn to report
i observed him committing a tort:
the defendant's a liar
who started a fire,
and now i'll bear witness in court.""
"
"though the highest position was reached,
obligations of office were breached.
and because of his record?
admittedly checkered?
he managed to wind up impeached.
"
"in heraldry, note the effect
when two tinctures of spots intersect.
rows of squares (more than two)
alternating in hue
were called checky, the last time i checked.
"
"will the white-bearded colonel be killed?
the establishment formerly billed
as kentucky fried chicken,
health-consciousness-stricken,
is kickin' the bucket, for ""grilled"".
"
"your salad omitted the cress,
so it's bland, and it failed to impress.
but you needn't get flustered:
the pungence of mustard
will make your next meal a success.
"
"you can fuse an enucleate cell
with a nucleate partner as well.
cytoplasmically hybrid,
they call it a cybrid
in tales cell biologists tell.
"
"a potter, to stay out of hock,
is expanding his earthenware stock
by the throwing of pots
in ceramic-glazed lots;
so he says, but his claims are a crock.
"
"who's your stereotypical cabbie?
he is either excessively gabby,
from a terrorist nation,
or loves altercation,
or sullen, ill-tempered, and crabby.
"
"being prudent, the beachgoer wishes
to avoid cartilaginous fishes
that are larger than she;
and the sharks would agree
that, from sea, she looks simply delicious.
"
"at the height of collective insanity,
we commit acts of depthless profanity
against innocents based
on beliefs they've embraced:
it's a crime against all of humanity.
"
"defenders of decency warn
the purveyors of vegetable porn:
""we are galled, and demand
that your cornsmut be banned.
stop corrupting our juvenile corn!""
"
"""do not spout angry thoughts, 'less you mean them.""
""and hold back your remarks, 'til you screen them.""
since they've gotten less frank,
all their puzzles are blank:
not a single cross word passed between them.
"
"i said, ""waiter, i'm thinking of suing.
there's a fly in my soup that's canoeing.""
he replied, with a shrug,
""that corixa's a bug?
and the breaststroke is what he's been doing.""
"
"a backswimmer swims on its back,
coldly hunting for prey to attack.
on a bug-eat-bug day,
other bugs are its prey?
zooplankton are merely a snack.
"
"when you borrow to spend on a spree,
they don't lend you the money for free.
if you're using your head
(as polonius said),
neither debtor nor creditor be.
"
"at some critically high concentrations
of detergents, we form aggregations
with submicron dimensions:
colloidal suspensions
of blobbish micellar formations.
"
"your wall-mounted corkboard presents
a collection that's growing immense;
it has pushpins and tacks
holding burgeoning stacks
of announcements for last year's events.
"
"the ""ambient temp,"" if you please,
has been measured at thirty degrees.
if that's ""c,"" then it's hot;
if it's ""f,"" then it's not;
if it's ""minus,"" equipment might freeze.
"
"since the roles of the letters are flipped,
i need cryptogram solvers equipped
with some zombies and mummies
that help puzzled dummies
unscramble the message (decrypt).
"
"in our abbey, the nuns can confuse
the identical outfits they use:
when their laundry gets done,
no cohabiting nun
can distinguish whose habits are whose.
"
"she has just hit my ball in a thicket,
after tapping her own through a wicket.
every time that she plays,
she scores several croquets,
which, by jiminy, doesn't seem cricket!
"
"a mild-mannered lawyer named marty
signed a contract, agreeing to party.
counterparties then sued
as he'd acted subdued,
but had promised to come party hearty.
"
"on a whim?that's to say, on a crotchet?
i decided to stay, and to watch it,
when some crotchety cook
would crochet with a hook,
getting grouchy whenever she'd botch it.
"
"since our management thinks that it's fun
having much bigger business to run,
they're repeatedly rash,
spending all of our cash
buying smaller concerns, one by one.
"
"the bus depot's sickening jill,
overcome by the stench and the swill.
though her bus ride went fine
'til the end of the line,
at her stop, she got terminally ill.
"
"my roommate has too many dresses;
that's the outcome of shopping excesses.
there's a closetful now;
it's a mystery how
she keeps track of the clothes she possesses.
"
"it's a problem you've frequently faced:
you begin only taking a taste.
soon you're gorging on snacks,
watching corpulence wax.
did you fear it was going to waist?
"
"you've gorged on hot fudge 'til it hurts,
so you no longer fit in your skirts.
then, in spite of your aches,
you've inhaled chocolate cakes.
all those pains seem condign: just desserts.
"
"geometers frequently speak
of a straight-edge-and-compass technique,
with reasoned deduction
and proofs-by-construction
developed by euclid the greek.
"
"my cotton supply now is gone;
little doubt what he's using it on.
my two-year-old's evil:
the toilet bowl weevil
prefers it for clogging the john.
"
"that bone-setter better desist
from persistently twisting my wrist.
he insists he's not jokin':
my bonelets are broken?
but i'm pissed, so watch out for my fist!
"
"when the parents have named their boy ""sue"",
and he sues them, just what should they do?
if they counterattack,
countersuing him back,
valid grounds will be hard to construe.
"
"it's just bull, and a trifle absurd,
that the boss of the bossies demurred
when she heard that she now
is a bossier cow
since becoming the head of the herd.
"
"to be speaking with riffraff like you
is a thing i'd not normally do,
but today's condescendence
reflects some dependence:
dispatch me your ambulance crew.
"
"though some calculi stick to their bones
or their kidneys (referred to as stones),
having calculary masses
won't help calculus classes
to find differential unknowns.
"
"""in arcane mycological lore,
it's a cavity holding a spore,""
droned the prof, ""?a conceptacle.""
all his students look skeptical,
before their commencing to snore.
"
"alas for my neighbor pierre,
whose pursuit of jeunes filles had great flair.
now that people he sees
get a fatal disease,
he has guards?a cordon sanitaire.
"
"cheered congratulant townsfolk, ""congrats
on disposing of hamelin's rats!""
but congratulant bull
wasn't payment in full,
so the piper abducted their brats.
"
"you're ashamed of your baldness, you bonehead?
think of jean luc picard's better-known head.
kojak's proud he's a skinhead,
like zippy the pinhead,
lex luthor, and beldar the conehead.
"
"making intricate wood-cuts, we're hoping,
solves the puzzle with which we'd been groping.
now the cuts that we'd made
with a very thin blade
fit the molding, we saw. (we've been coping.)
"
"each flagellum requires one of these,
as a cilium does, if you please.
every small organelle
for propelling a cell
needs an axoneme making a breeze.
"
"the gluepot is desperately wanting
the condom to give up his chaunting
(""i'm rubber; you're glue"").
but, alas, since it's true,
he's resigned to the teasing and taunting.
"
"the exam that is called colorectal
is a happening one might expect'll
be somewhat intrusive,
or even abusive?
a bit like a navy projectile.
"
"i've gone to an allergist, ailing,
but unclear what her job is entailing.
there's a ""prick test"" she's booking?
but she's far from good-looking?
so i'm anxious, concerned about failing.
"
"though their program is state-of-the-art,
and receiving free software seems smart,
only crippleware's free;
soon they'll sell you the key
to un-cripple the critical part.
"
"the sculptress regrettably dies of
the stuff that she fashions her flies of.
we surmise it's supplies
of the dyes that she buys
for that compound she makes compound eyes of.
"
"when espresso and milk's not enough,
the barista can add extra stuff;
so her patrons request
""crappuccino"" in jest,
and she'll improvise crap off the cuff.
"
"at the gas station, patrons feel screwed;
as the prices increase, they get rude.
so they rant and they curse
as each gallon gets worse.
(people over a barrel get crude.)
"
"in some one-shot religions, it's said,
there is heaven or hell once you're dead.
but in caste-centered sects
the believer expects
several do-over lifetimes instead.
"
"a moron with whom i've grown chummy
has a car-testing job that seems crummy:
there he stupidly sits
while they smash it to bits
in a crash test.  i mean, what a dummy!
"
"our cow is completely obsessed
with her upcoming butterfat test.
but her fat content's slight,
and her volume ain't right,
so she won't be the best of the best.
"
"you asked me for bread, for a nibble,
but now that i've baked it, you quibble
that the flour was too coarse?
but consider its source
was an open-mesh sieve.  it's a cribble.
"
"it's unclear to me why you aspire
to setting poor insects on fire.
what's a cricket match for?
are you settling some score?
you insist it's a sport.  what a liar!
"
"the remains of poor alfred the elf
are contained in that urn on my shelf
from our town's crematorium
and vessel emporium.
(he's again made an ash of himself.)
"
"the ambassador's gone?who knows where??
in some sleazy hotel, trysting there
with some diplomat's spouse,
while the embassy house
is the charge of the charg? d'affaires.
"
"on what basis would someone decide
to agree to be frankenstein's bride?
well, he's manly and strong,
but her choice might be wrong?
those criteria seem misapplied.
"
"""what's a crith?""  that's a question i cram
for my upcoming physics exam.
it's a term for the mass
of the hydrogen gas
in a liter (that's point-oh-nine gram).
"
"his pincers are starting to smell,
and i can't get him out of his shell,
and he's cranky and crabby;
so tell me, dear abby,
why life with crustaceans is hell.
"
"said elsie, a cunning old elf,
as she stole my most decorative shelf,
""i would craft one from wood,
but my skills are no good,
so i'm craftily helping myself.""
"
"a sundial is fun as a clock
(if no cloud is a shroud or a block)
when attention is paid
to the shadow that's made
by its pointer, a gnomon or cock.
"
"ancient romans believed in infliction
of pain after legal conviction,
where society's dross,
tied or nailed to a cross,
would remain until dead: crucifixion.
"
"my memory lapses are chronic,
so i needed to find a mnemonic
for my chemistry quiz:
what gives tonic its fizz?
it's some acid that rhymes with mnemonic.
"
"ella elephant, choosing a cruise,
picked a cruise line that offered free booze.
through her trunk ella drank,
getting drunk. then she sank.
now the coast guard is searching for clues.
"
"near the pump at a gasoline station,
we were having a price conversation.
when i blamed the cartel,
you replied, ""well, well, well ...""?
your opinion on oil conservation.
"
"in adult diabetes (type ii),
where your blood sugar's often askew,
since your islets don't heed
all your insulin need,
some chlorpropamide might work for you.
"
"corresponsive conjunctions are those
that a writer will oft juxtapose,
coupling either with or,
sometimes neither with nor,
and proposing if-then in his prose.
"
"i believe i've developed a cyst?
which my doctor persistently missed.
it's that fluid-filled sac,
you incompetent quack?
if you miss it again, i'll be pissed.
"
"when you're thinking of killing a cell,
cytotoxic reagents are swell?
or decide, just for sport,
on a gun of some sort
with a great pyrotechnical shell.
"
"in grammar, such linkers are glue
that can join an expression or two.
they've the copulative functions
of verbs or conjunctions?
not those copulatory acts when you screw.
"
"the runner is trying to train,
but his knee joint can't handle the strain,
as its cruciate bands
overtwist as he lands,
causing tears and excruciating pain.
"
"grumbled craig, sadly stuck on a crag,
""as a climber, ascending's my bag.
but it's hard to descend;
and the hours that i spend
being cragfast are really a drag.""
"
"your dementia evolves by degrees,
as your brain's forming holes like swiss cheese.
now you firmly avow
that you suffer ""mad cow"",
though you've caught creutzfeldt-jakob disease.
"
"my collider research will embark
on an aspect of physics that's dark:
i've submitted an article
on a masochist particle:
""how to top for a new bottom quark.""
"
"chaperonage: a term for my role
when a couple goes out for a stroll;
i accompany misses,
preventing their kisses,
to keep their virginity whole.
"
"the holes that i'm filling abaft
sprung a leak, so you pointed and laughed,
""when you're crafting a boat,
what you've built needs to float!""
but it's more of an art than a craft.
"
"mathematics, the president saw,
was too hard. that's a serious flaw.
so the order was signed
(with no dunce left behind)
that repeals the commutative law.
"
"blue-skinned, it is mashed and engenders
a jelly or jam in our blenders.
in new england, once beaten,
it's conquered and eaten.
what's purple and round and surrenders?
"
"in a tunnel all gloomy and black,
little beasties ran loose on the track.
was it a bat i saw?
was it a rat i saw
scurrying forward and back?
"
"at the bakery, bought me a crumpet,
but clumsily happened to bump it.
being crumbly, it crumbled,
so, dumbly, i grumbled,
collecting its crumbs for to dump it.
"
"cryptosystems like yours can assure
that your message stays safe and secure.
your technique seems inspired:
no encoding's required,
due to talent for being obscure.
"
"in constructing a crystal, the basis
is a regular lattice of spaces.
then you bring in a lot
of whatever you've got,
and they fit in that pattern of places.
"
"we're aware that you're lacking noblesse,
and your heraldry fails to impress:
while pretentious and phony,
its counter-compony
is six rows too narrow for chess.
"
"get your tissues and organs to freeze
at some very low temp in degrees,
cryogenically stored,
'til your docs have explored
how to treat for your fatal disease.
"
"all the atoms that x-rays impact
tend to scatter in phase?that's a fact.
we'll collect lots and lots
of intensity spots
when the crystals we're growing diffract.
"
"when you're raising a girl (that's a ""daughter""),
she might possibly do as you've taught 'er.
but your chance with a son
is a million-to-one
he'll remember to do as he oughter.
"
"your azoospermia means
there are problems in passing your genes.
it's a medical term
that's applied to your sperm:
they are missing-in-action marines.
"
"paroxysmal anginiform pain
is spasmodic?it's hard to explain?
where you feel suffocation,
and a choking sensation.
one cause? myocardial strain.
"
"my breakup with angie is slow;
she is needy and never lets go.
i've tried outright rejection;
but excision? resection?
have i tried angiectomy? no.
"
"while the orchestra's playing, he waits,
holding two large concave brazen plates.
music rises in pitch
'til?oh, no! got an itch!
(that's the part every cymbalist hates.)
"
"in the amazon, hunting your quarry,
using blowgun darts tipped with curare,
if your tribesman gets nailed
when you've coughed or exhaled,
you should clearly say, ""oops, awful sorry!""
"
"the weeds own our lawn. we're reseeding.
but the package of seeds is misleading,
since the genes that they need
for the hybrids they breed
come direct from our weeds, by cross-breeding.
"
"in a chemical compound's creation,
when the bonding results in formation
of a circular group
that's a ring or a loop,
the reaction is termed cyclization.
"
"five lines are sufficient for me,
so a reader of limericks i'll be.
with my span of attention
too fleeting to mention,
they suit a.d.d. to a tee.
"
"when the kennel agreed to admit her,
we expected a good critter sitter.
but the moment her master
departed?disaster!
the bitch that was hired went and bit her.
"
"in the sixties, we sought to declare
our disdain for conventional hair;
and pursuing our hippiness
with typical dippiness,
eschewed the mundane and the square.
"
"""this riverboat cruise is a dud!""
groaned noah, soon after the flood.
""and, for crying out loud,
how that crude, messy crowd
leaves belowdecks just oozing with crud!""
"
"pollyanna might happily write:
""at the end of the tunnel, there's light.""
but the cynics explain
that it's likely a train,
while sardonically mocking her plight.
"
"from that column?its uppermost end?
see the chapiter's scrolling extend.
that can help us divine
its ionic design.
what a capital concept, my friend!
"
"for j equals zero to ten,
if (int) a less than x sub j, then
pop address to go back
from the top of the stack,
else recurse this damned program again.
"
"consider the wretched cunctator,
a promptness and timeliness hater:
punctuality's foe,
who exemplifies slow,
and prefers to do everything later.
"
"where did culture or language first start?
here's the tip that i'd like to impart:
write cunabula when
you mean cradle, and then
bookish readers will think that you're smart.
"
"getting light to have parallel rays
is accomplished in straightforward ways:
send the beam to its goal
through a long narrow hole
to absorb any photon that strays.
"
"your motives were doubtlessly splendid,
yet the outcome?the way that it ended?
was a horrible mess.
you'd expected success,
so the consequence wasn't intended.
"
"you can argue your case and prevail,
so some serial killer makes bail.
as a criminal lawyer
you help your employer
avoid getting locked up in jail.
"
"a young ballerina from france
liked to gambol and gamble and dance:
she would bet on roulette
while on pointe, pirouette,
and, when lucky, would leap at the chance.
"
"just at daybreak, the sun first appears,
as the crowd of his worshippers cheers,
""aton-ra. hip-hooray.""
that's the song of the day?
not exactly the music of spheres.
"
"first, her escort arrived stewed and late;
then the restaurant wasn't too great.
yet, most irksome, 'til now,
was his phrase, ""stupid cow"".
(her experience dating, to date.)
"
"""i'm in danger?in serious peril,""
grumbled many-time grandfather merrill.
""haven't fathered a kid
since my six-year-old, sid,
'cuz that power line's making me sterile!""
"
"your three-year-old struggled to learn it,
so it doesn't seem fair that you spurn it:
when she gets in the habit
of yelling ""dagnabbit"",
don't tell her to quit it, goldurn it!
"
"the prospect of cummingtonite
might ignite and excite and delight;
but no sex is involved.
when the mystery's solved,
it's an iron-rich silicate, right?
"
"every sentence that gets in a tangle
has a meaning the reader can mangle.
here, the message is terse:
when composing a verse,
a participle never should dangle.
"
"data processing?that's your vocation:
fact retrieval and fact preservation.
if you ever get bored
with the data you've stored,
just say, ""thanks, that's too much information!""
"
"when a value's an outlier datum,
you've statistical reasons to hate 'im.
should you keep 'im or not?
'e would screw up your plot.
toss 'im out.  claim your dog went 'n' ate 'im.
"
"since we waste too much time in the alley,
sally's carefully keeping a tally:
she insists on a list
of each kiss when we tryst,
lest we dawdle too long when we dally.
"
"pick some point on a circular face
as it's rolled on a linear base.
what's the shape of the path
you'll observe? here's the math:
curtate cycloids are curves that you'll trace.
"
"oed is a byzantine book
that i used in a class that i took.
when confused by a word,
i was oft cross-referred
somewhere else in the book i could look.
"
"you're quite the nonsensical chap,
and you're causing our patience to snap,
so we're no longer buying
your whimsical lying.
we want it to stop: cut the crap.
"
"cornucopia, noted the fool,
should be plural, according to rule.
it's the horn of a goat,
so the answer he wrote?
""cornucopium's plural""?ain't kewl.
"
"you'll be drawing straight lines on your plots
when you plan on connecting the dots,
since, according to maths,
curvilinear paths
need more ink?and you haven't got lots.
"
"you're picking a name out already,
and you're thinking of annie or eddie.
but when mortgages tank,
you can take to the bank
that your child won't be fannie or freddie.
"
"bambi's dead?sadly roadkill, i fear.
it's called ""venison,"" just to be clear.
took a rump steak?the cut
from the animal's butt.
(why at home, on the range, there's a deer.)
"
"as geometry profs might opine,
a cycloid's the curve you'd define
as the path you'd expect
for a point you'd select
on a circle that's rolled on a line.
"
"it has gotten annoying that my baby
became a complainer?a crybaby.
now this hard-hearted guy
isn't asking her why?
he just heads for the door, waving ""bye, baby.""
"
"an anatomy student was shown
where the three-cornered cuneiform bone
could be found in the wrist?
one of several he missed
when his chances of passing were blown.
"
"you're intrigued by the dog that you've spotted:
mostly white, but abundantly dotted.
a dalmatian, you think.
but it's actually ink
that i spilled on his fur.  (i was potted.)
"
"ben and jerry's intent is cryonic,
chugging antifreeze now as a tonic,
so their organs won't freeze
as they chill by degrees.
would two corpsicles seem too ironic?
"
"what do writers of limericks gain?
funny rhymes runnning 'round in the brain
get you dafter, and after
maniacal laughter,
suspicions you're going insane.
"
"dhanurasana, yogis should know,
is a backbend, like bending a bow.
on your belly you rest,
lifting legs, head, and chest,
reaching backwards, and grabbing each toe.
"
"in the x-files, the truth may be out there,
but the viewer may entertain doubt there:
when abduction by aliens
is the plot-point of salience,
we're confused what the hell it's about there.
"
"the crowd isn't pleased when it sees
how he falls to the ground with great ease.
has that daring young man
no alternative plan
when he misses the flying trapeze?
"
"""what is darkful has absence of light,""
as a writer quite rightly might write.
but to pen the remark,
""light is absence of dark,""
shows the writer's insightful and bright.
"
"when your record's officially broken
for the number of times that you've spoken
on some subject you've found,
and we claim that you sound
like a damned broken record, we're jokin'.
"
"the house was horrifically haunted,
and the specters within were unwanted.
fearless ghostbusters came,
bravely dauntless and game,
but the spirits abided, undaunted.
"
"your audience?where did it go?
now your viewership's gotten too low.
well, you used to be funny,
and earned lots of money?
'til those bleeps bleeping censored your show.
"
"alas for the countrywide bank,
with mozilo and cohorts to thank.
now the era is ending
of unrestrained lending.
it's recently gone in the tank.
"
"in the sun, are those basques multitasking,
dipping flasks in their casks as they're basking,
wearing shorts so one sees
every fine pyrenees?
not a clue?that's the reason i'm asking.
"
"seems that tony mulroney, the mayor,
picked a crony?some pinochle player
who's as dumb as they come,
but the mayor's close chum?
and appointed him county surveyor.
"
"my bias is likely to blame,
once you told me the candidate's name:
it's o'bama.  so, note
i don't think i could vote
for an irishman.  thanks, all the same.
"
"they hydrogenate oil in a vat,
making shortening?crisco's like that.
solid grease of that sort
keeps the gluten strands short.
you bake crumblier bread, adding fat.
"
"when doing this hands-and-knees pose,
i'm intrigued by the creatures they chose:
first a cow, then a cat,
arching this way and that.
all depends on your spine?where it goes.
"
"though it isn't the word we would use,
she describes her career as danseuse,
as the swan she portrays
in her latest ballets
tends to trip on the lace of her sheuse.
"
"their biting, then twirling in arcs,
leaves distinctively circular marks
on the whales that they bite,
though the damage is slight.
these are dogfish, called cookie-cutter sharks.
"
"dancing partners are friends we can grip,
as we're moving around, hip-to-hip,
to a musical beat,
while they step on our feet,
and who laugh when they cause us to trip.
"
"the trouble with squirrels is that
they will sit there, contented and fat,
never raising a fuss,
in the path of a bus.
(that's the reason so many go flat.)
"
"the cubit's no cause for alarm,
as a measure of distance with charm,
from one's elbow to digit?
except that a midget
might offer the use of his arm.
"
"it's the '50s, and everyone strives
to have boring, identical lives
in the 'burbs with one's spouse,
in a cookie-cutter house,
being judged by the chevy one drives.
"
"your insurer has doubts that you're curable,
as your wart looks enormous and durable.
it's unsightly and red,
and appears to have spread.
that's your head?  very well; you're insurable.
"
"though we know that you kids were just curious,
what you wanted to try was injurious.
so you're both really screwed
if the baby stays glued,
and yo mama?she gonna be furious.
"
"politicians, you cynically said,
tend to lie 'til they're clinically dead.
read his lips, and you'll hear
someone sounding sincere
while he lies like he's lying in bed.
"
"tiles used in scrabble go here.
joke anagrams duly appear.
you excel in ""how to""?
amazing to view!
do fit it!?don't quiver in fear.
"
"your genetic disease: can they cure ya?
does the little they do reassure ya?
if ya see there's a shmoo
when ya pee, that's your clue
that ya suffer from alcaptonuria.
"
"what an alcaptonuric's endurin'
is homogentisate in urine.
his enzyme for aidin'
phenylalanine's degradin'
is lackin'?a fact we ain't curin'.
"
"said belle, in the beast's regal keep,
""there's a tome i've been reading, to sleep.
here's a word that i've seen:
what's cutaneous mean?""
""well, my beauty, it's only skin deep.""
"
"when a teacher and student are buddies,
there are lines the relationship muddies.
but the stuff that was done,
teaching sex 101,
went beyond their curricular studies.
"
"every autumn, he likes to recall,
humpty dumpty's been having a ball.
though the springtime and summer
are often a bummer,
he hopes for a really great fall.
"
"you morons used shovels to whack pots,
so this morning, our greenhouses lack pots.
every swing of your bat
made a planter go splat.
what an addle-brained scheme from you crackpots!
"
"caesar's critics, insightful and smart,
had some wisdom they thought to impart.
sharpened knives seemed productive
to get their constructive
criticism taken to heart.
"
"the egg that was served him was bad?
'twas the worst that the curate'd had?
but when asked, he said, ""well,
it has parts that excel,""
out of fear that his host would be mad.
"
"a dancer i glanced at by chance
was engaged in a vigorous dance.
i was itching to learn
'til i chanced to discern
all the ants crawling out of her pants.
"
"their dams, made of branches and mud,
have been making her property flood.
she's become a believer
in shooting a beaver,
but hates all that damnable blood.
"
"that urology doctor-trainee
with the cystourethroscope, see,
unsuccessfully tried
to observe the inside
of the bladder that's holding your pee.
"
"having heard that it's cruciform, she
has become quite the cross divorcee.
for it seems she expects
that it's shaped like her ex?
a description that fits to a tee.
"
"the appearance of big-head is telling:
in a sheep, it's edematous swelling
or a gangrenous mass
from clostridial gas
getting trapped, which prevents its expelling.
"
"as he moon-walks about astronautically,
""there's no life here,"" says tom abiotically.
then he tries going suitless,
and, fruitless and bootless,
his lunacy ends idiotically.
"
"here's the bill that you're planning to pay.
either ""currency"" choice is okay:
paper money or change?
which is currently strange,
since we mostly use plastic today.
"
"a repetitive tyke, name of michael,
likes to cycle as far as his trike'll.
but he always comes back
to his house for a snack,
where he started, completing the cycle.
"
"getting older, i find with surprise,
makes me surly to bed and to rise.
i'll admit only grudgin'ly
to becoming curmudgeonly,
like those grouchy, ill-tempered old guys.
"
"said miss muffet, ""you must have misheard.
eating old clotted milk is absurd!
once you let it congeal,
it has zero appeal.
there's no whey that i'm eating that curd!""
"
"the inquisitive cat in the hat
came to visit and snoop in our flat.
but the thing of it is,
'tain't no business of his.
curiosity: killer-of-cat.
"
"my nursery-rhyme lover is torrid:
she's a goil with a coil on her forehead.
that's the ringlet or curl
she'll incessantly twirl
while she's thinking of ways to be horrid.
"
"since the study of cells never bores,
that cytology student explores
all the cells he can find;
and he hopes you won't mind
stripping down while he's studying yours.
"
"consider the plight of poor irv:
he gets flustered and loses his nerve
when there's women about
having parts sticking out,
who repeatedly throw him a curve.
"
"please consider my hasty submission
of this cursory word definition.
it is lacking in care,
took no time to prepare,
and is sketchy and scant, in addition.
"
"in the kitchen, the staff curries favor
by applauding the chef's curry flavor,
sucking up, while consumin'
cilantro and cumin
and turmeric's sharp pungent savor.
"
"as a wannabe starlet, she'd whine,
""unemployment? that role should be mine!""
why she lines in a queue,
not an acting debut:
missing cues and forgetting her line.
"
"doing battle, you mount a campaign,
where you seek to defend and maintain
what you claim is your right.
if you lose, noble knight,
then you're flushing it down the darraign.
"
"when the lights first go out, i can't see;
maybe waiting a while is the key:
after dark adaptation?
acclimatization?
i'll be able to aim when i pee.
"
"note the clear hard-to-miss steady beat:
grouped by threes, every phrase sounds complete.
every ""weak"" should belong
'twixt a pair, ""strong"" and ""strong"",
yielding thus, all thirteen cretic feet.
"
"the names of the loaves that i buy
are confusing: i'm wondering why
all the dark bread we eat
is composed of whole wheat,
while the black bread is baked using rye.
"
"a buck, though he's rolling in dough,
still needs prose for those does saying ""no"".
those he knows like to hear
when he goes ""darling deer"".
(merely ""deer"" seems so clearly so-so.)
"
"the dumbstruck young man was un-grounded,
bewildered, confused, and confounded,
astonished, amazed,
flabbergasted, and dazed?
stunned speechless, appalled, and astounded.
"
"if you wish for a fish for your meal,
bring your basket, your rod and your reel.
keep the latch firmly shut
on your catch, so that what
you have caught won't escape from your creel.
"
"here's the broth, and the way that it looks
when prepared by a panel of schnooks,
who so thoroughly boiled it,
they thoroughly spoiled it.
perhaps there were too many cooks.
"
"miss oyl is my goil, when on shore,
as her body's so hard to ignore.
you can feel the sensuality
of ideal cylindricality:
twenty-four twenty-four twenty-four.
"
"either blackheart's a fungal disease
that affects central tissues in trees
and ascends from the roots,
or they're dark cherry fruits
that are heart-shaped and sweet as you please.
"
"in the court of extortionate claims,
there's a fish filing lawsuits, who blames
his depression on god,
who appointed some clod
to give animals slanderous names.
"
"the daintiest girls, we would tease,
should be careful to stifle a sneeze.
being tiny and light,
and so slender and slight,
they'd go drifting away on the breeze.
"
"my girl has incredible jugs
and can give these incredible hugs.
but she's porky, a bit,
slightly daffy?a twit?
and she's totally driving me bugs!
"
"obama has finished decidin'
where the hopes of his party are ridin'.
has he chosen a veep
who will put us to sleep,
after all of this time that he's bidin'?
"
"is damocles out of his gourd,
being seated all day 'neath a sword?
well, he'll never forget:
every king's under threat?
and he's guaranteed not to be bored.
"
"""there's a game, truth or dare, if we dast,""
said the girl they considered quite fast.
she'd have willingly bared
quite a lot, being dared,
but the cowards who played never ast.
"
"how much compound's dissolved?  don't just guess it:
colorimetry helps to address it.
when you measure o.d.
at some wavelength, you see,
that absorbance will let you assess it.
"
"where the black-feathered body pile goes
is a question i thought i should pose.
i'll dislike it a lot
if i wait 'til they rot,
caws i've murdered a murder of crows.
"
"he promised she'd surely be weddable
once she proved to be willingly beddable.
though she's sometimes naive,
it seemed hard to believe,
and she told him he didn't seem credible.
"
"when the nature of nature is sought,
follow dharma, as buddha has taught,
as your prospects are brightened
of turning enlightened
whenever you act as you ought.
"
"""there's enjoyment in wandering sightedly,
but no pleasure in groping benightedly.
it's too dark, and i'm sauced,
and my flashlight got lost,""
grumbled tom, as he stumbled delightedly.
"
"quoth adam, in deep contemplation,
""oh, god, what's a good explanation
for my navel and tits,
which are purposeless bits?""
shrugged the lord, ""i suppose, decoration.""
"
"the scene with your customer's tense:
getting overcharged hundreds of pence
got his nose out of joint.
there's no decimal point,
so the price doesn't make any cents.
"
"our flowers were yellow and white
'til the middle of last tuesday night,
when the queen of the crazies
went painting the daisies.
that's only for rose petals, right?
"
"the pharmacist gets a conniption
whenever he gets a prescription
from a doctor whose scrawl
can confuse and appall,
and requires cryptographic decryption.
"
"""cytosolic"" refers to what dwells
in the spaces inside of your cells,
all mixed up in the goop
of your cellular soup,
but outside of defined organelles.
"
"said the heat-system salesman emphatically,
""we're distributing heat diabatically
with our new, cost-effective
approach that's convective,
which circulates air automatically.""
"
"as my dreams arithmetic encumber
my numberless efforts at slumber,
one-by-one, countless sheep
mock my turbulent sleep:
flocking sheep leaping, boundless in number!
"
"she's just sitting, it seems, on the floor,
with her legs stretching out to the fore,
in dandasana (staff).
if that caused me to laugh,
would my yoga instructor get sore?
"
"through the air, reckless daredevils flew,
slickly doing each trick that they knew.
so we gave them applause
for daredeviltry, 'cause
one should give daring devils their due.
"
"many felons were lately set free
by a recent judicial decree.
lesser terms for offenses
reduced the con census,
as most of the judges agree.
"
"to compenetrate holes is my goal?
my ambition and ultimate role.
but career-wise, i'm torn.
is fulfillment in porn
or in jobs making plasterwork whole?
"
"although you've been feeling so sleepy
that you're willing to snooze in a teepee,
never venture inside
of an animal hide
hiding bugs that are crawly and creepy.
"
"while applying to borrow a few,
you're awaiting your bankers' review.
since you'll surely repay,
they should grant their okay,
giving credit where credit seems due.
"
"my bulb is a little bit dimmer?
of thoughts i have only a glimmer.
at brainwork a stinker?
not really a thinker?
i'm  probably more of a thwimmer.
"
"a boilable object's reputed
to be quite indisputably suited
to be heated as hot
as the steam in the pot?
or until that assumption's refuted.
"
"there's a word that you recently read,
but you don't understand it, you said.
it's archaic, implying
its usage is dying,
and folk who once kent it are dead.
"
"a frugal defendant named marge
was arraigned on a criminal charge,
which the judges describe
as ""too stingy a bribe"".
were it larger, she'd still be at large.
"
"lying down, with your back lying flat,
bend your knees; plant your feet on the mat.
lift your hips, to begin,
'til your chest hits your chin.
a yogini does bridge pose like that.
"
"they're receiving your news with a smile,
but refuse to believe, all the while,
that the storm will deliver
great floods to their river:
they'll stubbornly stay in denial.
"
"you're in search of a good definition
of the process of ""cycloaddition.""
i am hoping you'll like
""doing math on a bike""?
with your chemistry teacher's permission.
"
"that's a very nice suit; do not spoil it.
if you defecate now, you will soil it.
there's an urge you'll suppress
for avoiding the mess,
but the problem is finding a toilet.
"
"that lithesome and willowy beauty
whined that staying in shape was her duty,
as neglecting her weight
makes her haunches inflate,
which is gross dereliction of booty.
"
"when detectives are solving their cases,
a dactylogram's often the basis.
they'll get valuable hints
by developing prints
from a criminal's fingerprint traces.
"
"the service you offer is dental,
and you promise your staff will be gentle.
your hygienist arrives
with her hooks and her knives?
and that teeth-cleaning sadist goes mental!
"
"though the action of slaying your sire
made his kingship a prize to acquire,
married sex feels unclean
when your mother's your queen,
and that knowledge is killing desire.
"
"though credentials had made you seem hirable,
your employer decided you're firable
when their lorry went splat,
since you're blind as a bat.
in a trucker, that isn't desirable.
"
"when the short-sellers come out ahead,
and they buy to take profits instead,
tumbling prices may stop?
momentarily pop?
like a cat bouncing after it's dead.
"
"though i hope that you won't get your back up,
you've let overdue rent charges rack up.
if you went?don't get mad?
i could rent out your pad,
so i'll front you a suitcase to pack up.
"
"he awaits incarnation once more,
but his fated rebirth is a chore,
since he's destined to make
the exact same mistake,
coming back as himself. what a bore!
"
"with guilt peter peter is ridden,
as to marry his wife was forbidden;
so, ever the bumpkin,
he's hollowed a pumpkin,
within which he's keeping her hidden.
"
"on the island resort they maintain,
there's the host and his midget again:
that predictable pair
always points to the air,
while they shout at the guests to deplane.
"
"within a magnetical field,
paramagnets become unconcealed,
as their atoms align.
such alignments decline
upon heating, as curie revealed.
"
"you can deviate?stray from your path?
or diverge, in statistical math;
you can wander, digress,
wear your wife's evening dress,
or provoke straightlaced bluenoses' wrath.
"
"that mary contrary, of rhyme,
is imprisoned, in gaol, doing time.
fine to bury a bell,
and a cockle as well,
but interment of maids is a crime!
"
"your body's decrepit and worn,
and increasingly looking forlorn.
yet you've learned, with chagrin,
that you can't trade it in,
since the warranty's void, once you're born.
"
"at dawn, on my lawn, there are dewdrops:
condensation's created two new drops.
one just fell, being dense.
now we wait in suspense
'til the second proverbial shoe drops.
"
"i'm sitting here sad and depressed.
i don't think i can finish the rest.
"
"the game warden states it severely,
""the deer season's posted here clearly!""
so you cry, ""dearie me?
but i just didn't see.""
still you're caught and compelled to pay dearly.
"
"your blisters are making you weep,
and you're itching too badly to sleep.
but you've gotta admit
it's like beauty, a bit.
(dermatitis is only skin deep.)
"
"my dog's busy chasing his tail,
which, surprisingly, never gets stale.
will he catch it? i'd bet
that my stubby-tailed pet,
though persistent, is likely to fail.
"
"the adermia term that we lack
needs some writer to give it a whack.
i've no lim'rick, as yet,
but i've little regret:
truth be told, it's no skin off my back.
"
"hey you, over there, with the dimple?
i asked you to crease, not to crimple.
but instead, feeling rushed,
you have rumpled and crushed,
when avoiding those wrinkles seems simple ...
"
"he isn't exceedingly keen
to receive bordetella vaccine,
so he grumbles and fusses.
but later, pertussis
is not a big whoop?just routine.
"
"being meek, he's been feeling misled:
he'd inherit the earth, it was said.
so he spent, unrestrained,
'cuz it wasn't explained:
he'll stay broke until after he's dead.
"
"""get the vet"", said the sheepherder, ""please,
since my sheep have a nervous disease.
now that daisy has dazy,
she's staggering crazy!""
""larval tapeworms,"" the doctor agrees.
"
"our circus was coming to town,
but was burned to the ground by some clown.
overworked in our circus,
he torched it to irk us.
(burns us up that this jerk burned it down.)
"
"what delicious, de-lovely old beer.
we're delerious, brimming with cheer.
but the night's growing shorter,
so drink up your porter.
old friend, how delightful you're here.
"
"liver transplant will start in a trice,
for a patient whose own won't suffice.
to the surgical docs
they'll deliver a box
from a de-livered donor, on ice.
"
"my kitchen feels awkward and strange:
when remodelled, appliances change,
so the food i'd once shove in
my microwave oven
disturbingly goes on derange.
"
"custer shrugged, ""i'm beginning to rue
reckless actions and brave derring-do,
'cuz my cavalry charge
has encountered a large
band of litigants, planning to sioux.""
"
"in the dark of the park, it was stark:
i got mugged by a lark for a lark!
i regret i still get
wet with sweat from the threat
of that dread alouette from the park.
"
"i am tearing this bird limb from limb.
then i plan to eviscerate him.
why such hostile aggressiveness?
excessive obsessiveness?
oppressive depressiveness? whim.
"
"for darwin, the islands proved rich:
he discovered some finch species which
were adapted, unique,
for the shape of each beak
fit the seeds of its very own niche.
"
"if matter is burned on a pyre,
it will lose its phlogiston entire:
we'll discover that, then,
we can't burn it again,
once dephlogisticcated with fire.
"
"on his throne, for his portrait in paint,
'til dethroned, due to public complaint,
when his dukes overthrew
his regime, in a coup:
one day king, and de-next day, he ain't.
?
he would pose on his throne, in his chair,
unconcerned by the crowd, unaware
of their menacing tone,
'til, at last overthrown
and deposed by the mob in the square.
"
"cried a bartender, trying to cope
with the dirt in his tavern, ""i hope
that i'll have some success
with the worst of this mess
if i scrub with a little bar soap.""
"
"just seeing her gives me a thrill:
at each meeting, she's bonnier still.
she is someone so comely,
i stare at her dumbly,
besotted, bereft of free will.
"
"the crack in your head's feeling stressed:
it's unhappy. its life has no zest.
it's afraid it can't win,
since your skull is pushed in.
that's the reason your fracture's depressed.
"
"her friends tend to ponder upon
what poor leda is drinking, or on,
as it's hard to believe,
let alone to conceive,
that she's getting it on with a swan!
"
"your suit-preference hints are no use
when your partner, who plays like a goose,
finds it deucedly hard
to deduce why the card
that you led to be ruffed is a deuce.
"
"god willing, it's gonna be great
to be rid of a bad head of state,
who'd aspired to be rex,
dei gratia ex-
presidente. just show him the gate.
"
"here's a clue when you're brewing your tea
in a pot?just how hot it should be:
when it's steaming, you've learnt,
you'll be screaming and burnt.
it's a matter  of degree.
"
"in deflation, economists tell,
the economy's going to hell;
and the prices all crash
when there's too little cash
chasing goods that i'm trying to sell.
"
"let me tell you the rumor i heard,
though i'm sure it's completely absurd:
queen leda of sparta
(we thought she was smarta)
began an affair with a bird.
"
"we found the uncommon word dazement,
and inquired what this curious phrase meant.
now we've come to be told
it means numbness from cold,
a response that we heard with amazement.
"
"though true algae prefer to exclude
the cyanophytes, finding them crude,
they can float in your pool,
looking blue-green and cool,
and, when sunbathing, synthesize food.
"
"every word in our latest edition
gets precisely defined?that's our mission.
we'd be happy to flex
all our biceps and pecs
to be clear what defines definition.
"
"your student's expressing a preference
for a favorable letter of reference,
but we strongly object
to his gross disrespect,
and his lack of complaisance and deference.
"
"education for fish might be sappy,
but schooling makes sunfish so happy.
those considered the smartest,
who study the hardest,
might make it to phi beta crappie.
"
"this campaign, i've a critical role
when the candidate gets in a hole
due to something he said
off the top of his head,
and we need to do damage control.
"
"tonight i'll go out on the razzle,
and find myself burned to a frazzle.
at my flashiest height,
to the diners' delight,
i'll dance nude on the table to dazzle!
"
"arrestment: your lawsuit enjoined
other creditors selling stuff poined
from your non-paying debtor.
your claim might be better:
freeze assets before they're purloined.
"
"when investing the money they earn,
some investors are starting to learn,
with surprise and with shock,
that their company stock
in an airline might well crash and burn.
"
"the prisoner we're planning to hang'll
step off into space, and then dangle.
and, assuming the noose
doesn't break or come loose,
it will sever his spine, or he'll strangle.
"
"he would challenge the wiz if he durst,
but he practiced his spellcasting first.
for a while, he rehearsed,
'til his hex got reversed.
'twas the worst. he got curst. then he burst.
"
"a person who darkens your door
might be smelly, a pain, or a bore,
so you're dreading their visit?
our turn again, is it?
let's tell them we've left for the shore?
for a couple of months, maybe more.
pretend that we've moved to mysore.
do you know what a doberman's for?
entertaining your aunt is a chore;
i believe that she's starting to snore.
we could claim that we're busy at 4:00.
god, those pollsters are hard to ignore!
they won't know that we're home any more
if we darken the light near the door.
"
"when you date a masseuse, life is grand:
all the muscle massage you can stand.
with her vast expertise,
she knows just where to squeeze.
she's a dab hand who's dab with each hand.
"
"we're compelled to read novels of thackeray's,
unimpressed by victorian hackeries.
we survive them, in truth,
drinking gin and vermouth,
or some lime-juice-and-rum frozen daiquiris.
"
"when a worm gets enraged, it can wriggle:
apoplectically wiggle and jiggle.
but in dreams, it flies higher,
and screeches in ire.
it aspires to get sore like an iggle.
"
"you're the stupidest gambler i've met,
so i bet i could get you to bet.
you respond with a rant,
""well, i betcha you can't!""?
as a wager, your silliest yet.
"
"should you steer to the left?  i said, ""right!""
now we're deep in a cleft, in a plight.
from within the crevasse
come your words, lacking class:
""your directions suck ass!"" impolite.
"
"the berry at which we are gazin'
has a flavor that's very amazin'.
but its name's out of whack?
being tiny and black,
it is currently used for a raisin.
"
"we luddites could make a good case
that the web has a dangerous pace.
though we fossilized meanies
drink onion martinis,
we bypass that cyberspace place.
"
"the flower that daisy has got?
whitish petals 'round yellowish spot:
it has petals no more.
and, for those keeping score,
i'm afraid that her boy loves her not.
"
"dear santa,
i thought you should know:
when you visit our roof in the snow,
and you slide down our chimney,
be cautious, by jiminy:
we've turned up the furnace below.
"
"in dark-field microscopy, mark
that the contrast with background is stark,
as the light that will matter
is light that will scatter
from samples, while background is dark.
"
"mix its petals with yeast, and proceed,
brewing all of the wine that you need
from these bright yellow blooms,
while your gardener assumes
that the dandelion's merely a weed.
"
"he's a cowardly bastard who leads
from the rear, while his infantry bleeds.
he'll attack with the corps,
standing back from the war,
taking bows for his dastardly deeds.
"
"a column i happened to spot
favors changing the statutes we've got;
it expounds on the need
to decriminalize weed:
""why it's high time to legalize pot.""
"
"alas, when your spelunking friend
found a bat-cave, she chose to descend.
soon attacked by a bat,
she went batty at that:
now she's totally gone 'round the bend.
"
"when reducing the staff is our goal,
let's pretend to be deep in a hole.
though the firings will irk 'em,
we'll claim it's a circum-
stance wholly beyond our control.
"
"baby bells were not selling too well,
so i entered my order to sell.
when my broker just dozed
'til the stock market closed,
i was stuck with my stock at the bell.
"
"at one hundred, and feelin' empowered,
she's decided on bein' deflowered.
but old swains lack the urgin's
to depudicate virgins,
each too feeble, or dead, or a coward.
"
"when a sportscaster, sporting a bruise,
wearing half of his new pair of shoes,
has his leg in a cast,
should his anchor have ast,
""what's your most up-to-date breaking news?""
"
"deliquescent's the term we apply
to a substance that's totally dry
but will gradually get
to be totally wet
from the moisture in air, by and by.
"
"roman decadence shows us the way:
upper classes too busy with play,
rapt in pleasure's pursuit
while barbarians loot,
bear the signs of a culture's decay.
"
"commodity futures allow
cautious farmers to lock, here and now,
future prices for corn
or a calf, newly born,
when delivered full-grown, as a cow.
"
"a student who wasn't astute
was instructed to find a square root.
when he dug up the ground,
every root that he found
turned up roundish?and branchy, to boot.
"
"i've been living a life that is deedful,
as i find great activity needful.
it's been speedful and steedful,
but lately stampede-ful,
which leaves me distressingly bleedful.
"
"as primitive peoples all know,
nothing grows from the seeds that you sow,
'til you mix in the blood
of your god with the mud:
springtime deicide makes it all grow.
"
"you tripped, but your sole never slipped:
dermal ridges made sure that it gripped.
you proceeded to land
on the palm of your hand,
correspondingly ripple-equipped.
"
"you ask what dementia's about.
i'd explain, but my answer's in doubt,
since i tend to recall
almost nothing at all,
and i struggle to figure things out.
"
"the ex-congressman sighed, discontented.
""there's a lunatic fringe,"" he lamented.
""once those crazies and nuts
put us out on our butts,
the demented got well-represented.""
"
"when, in tennis, you're serving a set,
and your serve always goes in the net,
then your score will be low,
and deservedly so?
you will merit the love that you get.
"
"they're reporting on failed bushonomics,
and on enemies testing atomics.
though my newspaper's rife
with disaster and strife,
i'm untroubled: i only read comics.
"
"in granting the title, he blew it,
so pope leo got mad and withdrew it.
""defender of the faith"":
that was henry the eighth
'til the king left the church, saying ""screw it!""
"
"current density's measured this way:
in amperes per square meter (j).
when the j value's stable
in each slice of a cable,
no electrons are going astray.
"
"""what's a cuculiformes, exactly?""
asked the roadrunner matter-of-factly.
""it's a longish-tailed bird,
pointy-winged, so i've heard,
acting cuckoo,"" said tom zygodactyly.
"
"when the judge goes out looking for sex,
she'll explain to the men she rejects
the importance of size
in her bed-partner guys
as ""de minimis non curat lex.""
"
"as to tryst with your sister is twisted,
we insisted you ceased and desisted.
but persisting with that,
you'll assist with a brat
with the miserable symptoms we've listed.
"
"there's a square in the space that i share:
it's a cubical cubicle, where
other people are able
to work 'round my table,
and never need notice i'm there.
"
"""with steam, i can neatly de-crease,""
says the laundress inspecting each piece.
but her efforts all stink,
as ""decrease"" equals ""shrink"",
so i'm calling the laundry police.
"
"derivations are used to explain
how those mathematicians obtain
their results so arcane
that they drive you insane,
or cause infinite pain in your brain.
"
"are ""devilkins"" demons' relations?
no, they're imps meant for lesser temptations.
(i'd been picturing dozens
of devilet cousins
in quest of full demonizations.)
"
"a cheerful young vampire named drac,
an undead, stays abed, in the sack,
rising every so often
up out of his coffin,
and sanguinely fixing a snack.
"
"puzzled readers react with hostility,
and accuse you of growing senility,
claiming words of your ode
have been written in code,
wholly lacking decipherability.
"
"i thought this was work i could shirk,
but my art teacher's being a jerk.
she insists upon treating
my tracing as cheating?
it's merely derivative work.
"
"a taurus refusing to gore us
would likely be tiresome, and bore us,
as i doubt we would stay,
gaily shouting ""ole!""
if the bull was reserved and decorous.
"
"she's about picking flowers and heather
with complete disregard for the weather,
wearing nary a shred.
being out of her head,
she's gone out in the (brrrrr) altogether.
"
"a canine is commonly found
to be chasing his tail, going 'round.
such a cur will recur
as the furriest blur,
in a cyclic arrangement of hound.
"
"cried a crafter, a knitter named arn,
who made elegant socks out of yarn,
""since a nail snagged a hole
in this delicate sole,
i'm prepared to repair it, but?darn!""
"
"i presume i was right to consume
all the chocolate she hid in her room.
i had done her that favor
in order to save her?
her diet can safely resume.
"
"every civilization, by rights,
will decline and descend from its heights
into primitive stages.
we call them dark ages
because they have too many knights.
"
"the nobles want something to eat:
call their dapifer, bringer of meat.
such a steward is facile
at running their castle
and keeping their household replete.
"
"you will go to an untimely grave, man,
on account of those women you crave, man.
drag 'em back to your lair
by a handful of hair,
and you'll wind up as dead as a caveman.
"
"i'm growing increasingly wary
of dating the girl at the dairy.
she has dairymaid skills
that the milking instills,
like a grip that feels udderly scary.
"
"it is hard to get people to pay
for a paper that prints every day,
since a daily's sad plight
is that writers still write
on the days they have nothing to say.
"
"dan is dandy and dashing and dapper:
stylish suit; nifty hat for a capper.
but?oh no?there's a catch:
neither sock is a match,
so his outfit has gone down the crapper!
"
"the eponymous author, roget,
who assembled thesauri, might say,
""my competitor's list
has some synonyms missed.
that's not meant in a derogatory, disparaging, censorious, defamatory, deprecatory, opprobrious, fault-finding way.""
"
"my kitchen is due for a change.
are my tastes in appliances strange?
i want metal, not matte;
nice and shiny, not flat.
thus, i'm opting for chrome on the range.
"
"to a coroner's helper we know:
""your severe halitosis must go!
to avoid mourning breath
with the odour of death,
take a tic-tac when tagging a toe.""
"
"he's certain that yoga's for nerds,
but he goes, as a way to meet birds.
at the start, there's a chant
of three ""om""s?but he can't,
as he's always forgetting the words.
"
"elmer's cheating and breaking his vow,
so they're having this terrible row:
elsie's sure that he strayed,
""cut the bull?you got laid!""
he's been thinking of pleading ""mad cow"".
"
"when a cybernaut's trolling the 'net,
there's no telling what web site she'll get.
if she navigates here,
she'll be likely to jeer,
""omg! that's the stupidest yet!""
"
"anecdota, it may be supposed,
are personal secrets exposed,
or some hoary old myst'ries,
or stories or hist'ries
that hitherto went undisclosed.
"
"she awakes disputatious and mean,
oozing cussedness, venting her spleen.
disagreeable early,
she's grouchy and surly?
so, quick, get the witch some caffeine!
"
"an acute dendrophobic named hughes
has some closets he never can use,
since he typically flees
any places with trees,
and discovered some pairs in his shoes.
"
"when a mendicant comes for a feast
at a temple, in parts of the east,
there's a building they keep
where such travelers can sleep:
it's a dharmsala, run by a priest.
"
"as we've beat on the cop on the beat,
all his precinct's converged on the street
with the aim of mistreating
the perps of the beating.
let's rapidly beat a retreat.
"
"though you deify, worship, and pray,
don't forget that you made me this way.
i am hardly to blame
that you gave me god's name,
but constructed my feet out of clay.
"
"indecisive, you fear to decide,
so you wait for some sign as a guide,
like when visions appear
to some biblical seer.
here's a coin you can flip: baked or fried?
"
"tipsy mathematicians contrive
to produce derivations and thrive,
though such alcohol levels
leave other poor devils
unable to drink and derive.
"
"with your own demoniacal twin,
there's no end to the trouble you're in,
for whenever she's bored
or she's feeling ignored,
she'll devise some original sin.
"
"whenever tornados come 'round,
it's the place where your family's found:
you'll be waiting en masse
for the cyclone to pass
in your cellar that's deep underground.
"
"you'd invested a great deal of money
when dot-comical prospects looked sunny.
now they're selling for half,
which is good for a laugh?
they're your laughingstocks.  what? isn't funny?
"
"when we went on a bonefishing trip,
we would fish off the side of the ship.
we were never a match
for that bonier catch:
every bonefish would give us the slip.
"
"the thief was committing a theft,
when his getaway car simply left.
setting off an alarm
with a twitch of his arm
wasn't clever or dexterous or deft.
"
"she's pregnant, her belly expanding,
and her highwayman doc's too demanding.
he is charging her these
highway robbery fees,
and insists she deliver while standing.
"
"a hexagon's clearly hexangular,
and a heptagon's, likewise, heptangular.
count the sides, in a plane,
and the angles obtain.
thus, a decagon's always decangular.
"
"he'll be king, with his crown and his jewels,
since the ones with the gold made the rules:
royal heritage brings
his divine right of kings?
clearly, god wants us governed by fools.
"
"we met f2f, ayk.
she's 2g2bt: such a ho!
omg, what a d8!
stayed up l8, it was gr8!
cul8r, bibi, g2g.
"
"when you're texting a digital fight,
and your insults seem boring and trite,
wholly lacking in wit,
you'll most likely get bit
in the ass when you're trying to byte.
"
"""for objective, dispassionate news,
tweedledum's is the newscast to use.""
""au contraire,"" disagrees
one who airs tweedledee's
diametrically opposite views.
"
"poor kermit was venting his spleen
that his eyesight was not very keen.
he'd explained, rather topically?
and deuteranopically:
""it's not easy,"" he said, ""seeing green.""
"
"on her cheek was an ugly red pimple
that she ceaselessly scratched, pure and simple,
so it scarred; in its place,
there's a hole in her face,
which she hopes you'll mistake for a dimple.
"
"that swabbie's insulted and hurt
that you mentioned his boat full of dirt.
but his dinghy's so dingy
because he's too stingy
to spring for detergent to squirt.
"
"though it's shortest, according to math,
you'll be risking the greenskeeper's wrath,
leaving prints where you pass
on his keep-off-the-grass,
with your slanting, diagonal path.
"
"he's thinking he wants to debar
you from drinking and driving a car:
it's the barkeep's intent
to forbid and prevent
you from driving as drunk as you are.
"
"here's prudence, a bit of a prude,
who has never been seen in the nude,
keeping eyes tightly shut
while she's baring her butt,
on the chance that she'd find it too lewd.
"
"i'll be making my mind up to show
that i'm sometimes decisive, although
it is hard to reply
when you ask me if i
am ambivalent. well?yes and no.
"
"it's frequently voiced with a twang;
and it usually ends with a bang.
if you burn down your barn,
you might euphemize, ""darn!""?
but more likely, you'd simply say, ""dang!""
"
"we had marshalled a small expedition
for the field marshal's forward position.
but they proved overmatched
when detachments dispatched
stayed indifferent?detached from their mission.
"
"why insurance deductibles suck:
agents value the loss of your truck,
which they're claiming is fair,
less the cost that you bear.
here's your check, slightly under a buck.
"
"the runner's begun to beware
of her muscle that's shaped like a pear,
for her own piriformis
is grown too enormous
to fit when she sits in her chair.
"
"if accurate pissing's your goal,
you should aim for the porcelain hole.
like in baseball, we hate
when you come to the plate
and you don't keep your eye on the bowl.
"
"does english have too much complexity,
having ten-dollar words like devexity?
with profound instructivity,
you expound, ""it's declivity""?
which increases my growing perplexity.
"
"the attackers pursued their attack,
with intentions to ravage and sack;
but protecting their village
from plunder and pillage,
defenders were turning them back.
"
"every digit belongs in a space;
use ten symbols, when ten is the base.
millionth digit of pi?
its precision's too high?
silly waste of a decimal place.
"
"when your grandmother dies, you'll inherit
""black mark"", her irascible ferret.
if you bring him to school,
thereby breaking some rule,
you will earn yet another demerit.
"
"computers are things that compute?
an assertion that's hard to refute,
though we usually mean
it's a man-made machine
with programmable logic, to boot.
"
"in a crypt, there's a cryptic inscription
to decipher with clever decryption.
archeologist dummies
revive sleeping mummies
by reading from ancient egyptian.
"
"you clutched at a brood hen, and then
you immersed her again and again.
now she broods with a scowl,
as her mood is so fowl,
being mad, as befits a wet hen.
"
"they open your mail every day;
and they limit the things you can say;
and allowable news
fits the government's views,
in a censor-y overload way.
"
"after reeling and writhing, ambition
could promote your instructional mission.
but distraction soon after
contemptuous laughter
would uglify, causing derision.""
"
"he was innocent, blago pretended,
when his illinois tenure was ended
for soliciting bribes.
local custom proscribes
being caught in the act?deprehended.
"
"i thought we'd be taking it slow,
to whate'er destination we'd go.
but you're now in a rush,
pulled the lever marked ""flush"",
and advised me to ""go with the flow"".
"
"""from the evil of rum, you've become
quite the vagrant?an indolent bum.""
""not at all, as i choose
other flavors of booze.
it's unfair that you demonize rum.""
"
"as a part of medieval theologies,
monks compiled their complete demonologies.
such a book would consist
of an ""enemies list""?
but i wonder, by what methodologies?
"
"when you ask whether devils are real,
the diabolist claims they appeal
to our covetous greed.
but he thinks they mislead
when they tempt us with ""let's make a deal.""
"
"this prison is dismal and dank,
and i've got my accomplice to thank.
ratted out by that fink,
i got thrown in the clink,
where the chains of the leg-irons clank.
"
"said the mischievous imp, with a grin,
""i have listed each cardinal sin.
any one of these seven
will keep me from heaven;
i hardly know where to begin.""
"
"we devils should always endeavor
to remain diabolically clever.
if we slip, and become
diabolically dumb?
that's a label you're stuck with forever.
"
"dielectrics belong to the class
that electrons are helpless to pass,
whose atomic construction
supports no conduction,
like paper or plastic or glass.
"
"archaeopteryx, creature of yore,
though you'll fly through the sky nevermore,
you were good?finger-lickin'?
and tasted like chicken.
(how we love eating dinos that soar.)
"
"discussing the merits is keen
when the truth isn't easy to glean.
but our calm dialectic
just turned apoplectic,
with cussing and making a scene.
"
"a judicial decree is in force
to divide up their stuff in due course,
each receiving a share
that's completely unfair,
when the marriage dissolves in divorce.
"
"when the dire wolf gets caught in the mire,
he is sure that it's time to retire.
so, he's growling, ""i quits,
'cuz la brea's the pits!
i should move where the hunting's less dire.""
"
"slightly over the dashboard you peer
in a struggle to see where to steer.
now your car's barely creeping
(and drivers keep beeping)?
you can't reach the pedals this year.
"
"you've agreed you should feed kids enough
of delicious digestible stuff.
but you simply won't buy it
when told that their diet
is chocolate and marshmallow fluff.
"
"for some good conversation i've hankered,
but your topics resist staying anchored?
though it's easy to guess
why you tend to digress,
as the ale disappears from your tankard.
"
"this burger joint, right down the street,
makes its burgers from mystery meat.
though their door has a sign
that invites you to ""dine"",
hold your nose if you're planning to eat.
"
"we're defining defined, but annoyed
that tautology's hard to avoid.
what a shame we're assigned
to defining defined,
when our time could be better employed.
"
"horny crewmen were sent to the shores
from a warship restocking its stores.
they misheard the command
and returned from the land
with their dinghy propelled by eight whores.
"
"ever notice that growth of a vine
won't proceed in a perfect straight line?
it's the tip's inclination
to circumnutation
that causes a tendril to twine.
"
"though your tortuous logic's been checked,
and your roundabout pathways connect,
still, you're lacking in candor,
and tend to meander.
i wish you were being direct.
"
"a dingo? whate'er could it be?
i'm consulting a reference to see.
now, i'm sure what it means,
but would ne'er spill the beans?
wild dogs couldn't drag it from me.
"
"though the woman resides in a shoe,
they will raise her assessment anew,
with the claim that her place is
improved by new laces,
when property taxes come due.
"
"say a bank's making loans to a buyer,
and his home is destroyed by a fire.
if the house that he owns
was securing his loans,
did collateral damage transpire?
"
"demonomagy likely would work,
but my demon is being a jerk,
since whenever i tell
him to help with a spell,
union rules made in hell let him shirk.
"
"our cheers are the loudest they've been,
since our stadium crowd likes to win.
but our team's water boys
make more-deafening noise.
what a clamorous din, gunga din!
"
"the beauty contestant seemed hurt
when the judge, who'd been barely alert,
docked her three millihelens
when one of her melons
abruptly fell out of her shirt.
"
"""of non-bonded contacts i'm fond,""
dr. van der waals thought to respond,
wanting unmarried sex
when approached by his ex,
an attractive and unattached blond.
"
"when i married a nymph of the wood,
i'm afraid that i misunderstood,
since my helpmate, the dryad,
won't stay in a diad,
and thinks polyamory's good.
"
"diabetics are folks who are cursed
with a sickness whose symptom is thirst,
and who frequently pee,
though their doctors agree
tiny blood vessel damage is worst.
"
"""this procedure won't hurt you a bit, see?""
said the doc to an airhead named mitzi,
while implanting a brain,
though her friends now complain
that they found her more likeable ditzy.
"
"it's an act that a devil might do,
or a goal that he helps us pursue,
or diabolism means
you believe in the fiends,
thinking stories of devils are true.
"
"""for a seal, every filling, square meal
takes a great deal of fish,"" squealed the seal.
""this one's shaped like a plank,
eight feet long on its flank,
so this dealfish is really ideal.""
"
"all the company's income was spent
on some board of directors event.
now they're pleased to declare
that each stockholder's share
earns a dividend check for one cent.
"
"""divining's a trick you should try
when your wells and your rivers run dry,""
say diviners espousing
the practice of dowsing
with sticks that are shaped like a y.
"
"""our concert's been cancelled,"" said tom,
unperturbed and with nary a qualm.
since that circumstance meant
that we can't pay our rent,
he appeared disconcertingly calm.
"
"gynecologist schneider had eyed her,
but was hoping to open her wider.
now her vaginal tube
is dilated?with lube
and a speculum sliding inside her.
"
"a dividing line?what does it mean?
a conceptual border between
things considered distinct.
though our maps show them inked,
on our lands, no such line can be seen.
"
"we musicians are always alert
to the slip of a skirt or a shirt,
so exposure of skin
by the first violin
disconcerted us, being overt.
"
"the jail time i'm hearing about
is one-fifty for madoff?the lout.
but despite what he stole,
he will get a parole:
in a hundred the chiseler gets out!
"
"a discobolus duly employed'll
throw something distinctly discoidal,
which is disk-shaped and flat?
if the middle were fat,
then the discus would look ellipsoidal.
"
"every  hebrew who'd fathered a brat
left a biblical listing of that.
yet i'm basically betting
they loved the begetting
as much as the ones they begat.
"
"i valued my data, and stored it,
having cleverly thought to record it,
never seeing the risk?
now i can't read the disk,
'cause when media changed, i ignored it.
"
"curtailers are those who cut short?
like your tailor, who tailors for sport,
placing hems near your crotch.
he is hoping to watch
when you sit, since you'll need to contort.
"
"a dendrogram?what could it be?
it's the puffball-shaped picture you see,
where the species they've rated
most closely related
share twigs on this family tree.
"
"that scatterbrain freely admits
she has trouble in using her wits.
and she'll shrug and respond,
""i can't help it?i'm blonde,""
when accused of becoming a ditz.
"
"whenever he gets in a tizzy,
my puppy, maniacally busy,
runs a circular trail
in pursuit of his tail,
'til he's comically wobbly and dizzy.
"
"when a linear molecule bends,
and it's linking its opposite ends,
what's the enzyme it needs,
so the bonding proceeds?
it's a ""cyclase"", say chemistry friends.
"
"my disgusting young brother, the spitter,
just spat at our furious sitter.
though the nanny might hanker
to act as the spanker,
she'll wait for the designated hitter.
"
"with your back stretching out on the rug,
bring your thighs to your ribs in a hug.
soles are up; knees are wide.
hold each foot well inside.
that's a pose for a yogi?""dead bug"".
"
"derivations don't go as i've planned 'em?
as i provably don't understand 'em.
i should end, ""q.e.d."",
but the problem is me?
i've forgot what erat demonstrandum.
"
"had mortals the wit to beware,
and the judgment of paris been fair,
we'd see eris's toss
being stewed in a sauce,
with each goddess receiving her share.
"
"most often, she's sexy and sunny,
but miss april's poor nose is all runny.
its output is stunning ?
keeps running, and running.
just call her the allergizer bunny.
"
"desecration's a sin that's extreme
that provokes true believers to scream,
as they're straining to handle
the pain when a vandal
profanes what they hold in esteem.
"
"as a poor-spelling grade-grubber, she
still aspires to an honors degree.
she'll incessantly fuss
for a spelling a+,
while deserving a mere spelling b.
"
"thanksgiving is here, but we're quirky:
we've decided to rescue a turkey.
we will pardon a keen bird
while feasting on bean curd.
but?how do we stuff a tofurkey?
"
"once the company manager's tricked 'im,
the stockholder's doubly the victim,
as his stock's in decline?
plus he's paying a fine.
what a dimwitted government dictum!
"
"the economy's terrible state?
a depression that wouldn't abate?
made 'em coin an expression.
but why great depression?
the '30s were hardly that great.
"
"in the padangusthasana pose,
bending over, you grab your big toes,
with two fingers 'round each
(legs stay straight as you reach)
while your butt stretches high as it goes.
"
"sighed a coach at the track-and-field match,
""'tisn't easy recruiting a batch
of the foolhardy sort
for a dangerous sport?
so we suck at the javelin catch.""
"
"""they're distinct, but it's tricky to tell.
you could not differentiate well,
telling this one from that,""
said the cat in the hat,
""till you noticed thing two tends to smell.""
"
"every time that he parties, poor wade
wears a leisure suit made out of suede.
""change your outfit,"" we bade him,
but couldn't dissuade him?
he's mod, and refuses to trade.
"
"how to discipline cronies and buddies
is her discipline (subject of studies).
as an expert on whips,
she will offer free tips
to well-disciplined students she bloodies.
"
"mighty casey believes that he's cursed:
""when i'm hitting, my luck is the worst!
see that runner ahead?
he's so slow that we're dead.
every time i'm at bat, who's on first!""
"
"he faithfully watches the polls,
weighs and measures the candidates' goals.
but he's never yet voted,
'cuz the ballots get toted
on the night he devotedly bowls.
"
"in the old colosseum, a bout:
""lions 10, christians nothing!"" we shout.
once it's over, we ask
why the beast loves his task.
""it's divine to devour the devout!""
"
"since a democrat's strong inclination
favors rule by the whole population,
their political party,
says rogers, the smarty,
is marked by disorganization.
"
"i'm a party with liberal views,
so it's liberal parties i choose.
yet i might disagree
when some nude debauchee
throws a libertine party, with booze.
"
"this vile little scientist smiles.
his assortment of nuclear piles
could be critical factors:
atomic reactors
that contaminate many square miles.
"
"sherlock holmes slogs through tax forms in stacks,
to deduce what he's owing in tax.
though he follows instructions,
deducting deductions,
he infers he'll be paying the max.
"
"at the bar where the devils all come,
to avoid being sober and glum,
there's a sign on the side,
""we are proud to provide
duvel beer and the best demon rum.""
"
"though sightless like me, she was kind,
and had offered to help me to find
the abode of my friend
on a quiet dead end.
thus the blind lead the blind down a blind.
"
"you grimace on only one side,
where convulsive contractions abide.
to the docs in the clinic,
your spasm's termed ""cynic"",
with a dog's one-lipped snarl as their guide.
"
"when scaling a mountain, befriend
all the people on whom you'll depend.
climbing high, you could die
if you couldn't rely
on the guy at the rope's other end.
"
"though my editor screamed bloody morder,
i was doing my best, and ignored 'er.
she should cater to me,
and my bad r.d.d.
(that's a rhyming deficiency disorder.)
"
"when that freak started speaking in greek,
every word that we heard was unique,
since his dictional choice
was to vary his voice
in a range from a squeak to a shriek.
"
"as laptops get cuter and cuter,
i'll opt for a female computer.
choose a male one? no way?
that's disturbingly gay.
(and she'll climax each time i re-boot 'er.)
"
"it doesn't take lots of acuity
to notice a dis- 
continuity 
in my gimmerick's flow.
that's a trick that i know
to define it without ambiguity.
"
"mrs. lincoln reacts with dismay
to an interview, held on the day
that her husband had died:
""so, the shooting aside,
how was lincoln enjoying the play?""
"
"the tortoise who entered the race
was disqualified, losing first place?
taking subways was cheating.
so, barred from competing,
he gave back his prize in disgrace.
"
"""make 'em die,"" say the bird-hating folk,
unaware of the sexual joke.
being loath to sit idly,
they act avicidally,
just itching for chickens to choke.
"
"a neat-freak is often bedeviled
by roommates whose rooms are disheveled.
one who recently cracked
has discovered the fact
that with bulldozers, rooms can be leveled.
"
"the anatomist well understands
what digestion of vittles demands:
there's a tube from the mouth
winding downward, due south,
through a system of organs and glands.
"
"the spectacular gown that she spied
was to die for, she happily cried.
though her breath wasn't right
in a bodice that tight,
she was stunningly dressed when she died.
"
"in obtaining the price they desire,
sellers start with the price even higher.
then they'll leave the impression
they've made a concession,
and ""compromise"", fooling the buyer.
"
"lots of babes have appeal concupiscentially,
but it's wise to seduce them sequentially.
all-at-once takes some skill?
just ask tiger or bill,
who'd been hoping to date confidentially.
"
"since that golfer, a bit of a cad,
has been cheating, his wife's gotten mad.
might that smashing young laddie
who's crashing his caddy
get hired by gm, for an ad?
"
"the liquid we wish to distill
first is vaporized, heated until
it is brought to a boil.
vapor cooled in a coil
now drips pure into bottles we fill.
"
"when i do something stupid (inaneful),
some intelligent people (the brainful)
find it hard to conceal
the reaction they feel,
and express their contempt (they're disdainful).
"
"the polygamist desperately strives
to hang onto his various wives.
each one would be missed,
so he'll try to resist
their desire to have disparate lives.
"
"dehydrogenase enzymes are fond
of reducing the odd double bond,
where a hydrogen pair
is inserted right there
just like magic, by waving a wand.
"
"should we wash them with soap or detergent?
our opinions are clearly divergent.
though our viewpoints collide,
we had better decide?
being out of clean dishes, it's urgent.
"
"all his influence gone?disempowered?
they removed from his bower poor howard.
though he scowl'd, he'd have howled
missing guts?disemboweled.
lucky thing he was just disembowered.
"
"there's this couple, named claire and pierre,
who discoupled with nary a care.
he has aired his affair.
being square, she won't share.
not a prayer that they'll e'er stay a pair.
"
"if this reference is circular, then
it is self-referential, so when
you proceed where it shows
and you go where it goes,
you'll return here again and again.
"
"mrs. green's peas and beans come apart,
yielding two equal halves?it's an art.
every seed that she's feedin' us
is dicotyledonous,
and engenders its own separate fart.
"
"said a typist, with great consternation,
""there's a threat to my job?automation.
i could lose my position
if speech recognition
replaces my taking dictation.""
"
"constitutional lawyers who sit
won't stay healthy as those who commit
to pursuing the goal
of a long daily stroll?
constitutionals help 'em stay fit.
"
"nerdy jack needs to practice subtractions,
but reacts to attractive distractions;
and he'll gain distractibility
with the pain and futility
of subtracting intractable fractions.
"
"i'm writing a limerick now,
using precepts that regulate how:
no imperfect rhymes,
nor extra lines,
nor extra beats,
nor trochee feet,
which my limerick rules disallow.
"
"secret agents brand-new to the game
get a number instead of a name.
but no young would-be hero
gets assigned double-zero;
they've no license to kill?just to maim.
"
"broken-boned in his auto's impaction,
mick's abed, wholly bored from inaction.
since his nurses can't let no
young chicks in, he'll get no
distraction from boredom in traction.
"
"i am caesar, so, like it or not,
i'll distribute the tribute i've got
to insatiable groups
like my minions and troops:
there's a lot that i need to allot.
"
"we're in need of an analyst's care,
since our childhoods were tough and unfair.
psychologically, we
are disturbed as can be?
kindly officer krupke, we swear.
"
"thanksgiving, the constable said,
is a day that the cops always dread,
when these folks far and wide'll
all turn avicidal,
and bodies keep showing up dead.
"
"an enolate's high concentration
in a ketone, and then dehydration,
causes strengthy attraction?
a bonding reaction
that chemists call aldol condensation.
"
"she'd been known for her pacifist rants,
and her strong vegetarian stance.
when her one-year-old spewed
out pureed baby food,
she yelled, ""bubbeleh, give peas a chance!""
"
"""what came first?"" was the question i'd heard?
""was it chicken or egg?"" posed the nerd.
then he'd wheedle and beg
me to say it's the egg,
but i'd usually give him the bird.
"
"""the bank with my trust fund has failed,
and its managers ought to be jailed.
their 'conservative' fund
going broke has me stunned.
i've gone bust!"" tom distrustfully wailed.
"
"latin phrases? i love to concoct 'em,
so my latest should hardly have shocked 'em.
as a night owl, no way
i'll be seizing the day:
carpe diem be damned?carpe noctem!
"
"a black widow spider named hedley,
with her hourglass tat glowing redly,
took her hubby to bed
on the night they were wed?
but the sex was so dull, it was deadly.
"
"you've achieved a spectacular deed.
here's discouraging counsel you need:
you're just asking for pain
if you try, try again.
you should stop, if at first you succeed.
"
"in a true dipyramidal case,
pairs of pyramids join at their base.
at their points, you would find
any ligands that bind
to the metal that's central in space.
"
"though the horns of dilemmas confuse,
off'ring two equal choices to use,
each additional horn
makes us feel more forlorn,
having too many options to choose.
"
"poor tom loved his console tv,
and adored every program he'd see.
it was stolen by thieves,
so he sorrows and grieves.
he's disconsolate, sad as can be.
"
"imagine poor wallace and gromit
on a carnival ride called the comet,
where employees are busying
themselves with the dizzying
of patrons, who try not to vomit.
"
"trench warfare, with infantries massed,
is a relic?a thing of the past.
but its phrase, still surviving,
means ultimate striving,
when claiming some ditch is the last.
"
"i won't marry my sweetie, maria blee?
she'll be just like her mother, foreseeably,
who is, sad to report,
nasty, brutish, and short,
so our marriage could end disagreeably.
"
"at the round table, knights all would vie:
for the title of ""roundest"" they'd try.
since the others were thinner,
sir cumference was winner,
from eating a surfeit of pi.
"
"when you're hungry for something within,
can openers open a tin
without making a burr?
(you would really prefer
not to open a gash in your skin.)
"
"tallied ballots are piled in a heap,
but the total's been tricky to keep.
since we're sure we've a miscount,
we'll offer a discount,
recounting the ballots real cheap.
"
"your dog's at your desk for a spell,
writing e-mail and limericks as well.
though his login is ""bowser"",
when using your browser
on the internet, no one can tell.
"
"if you steal my dimensions, i'll fight:
being out of my depth isn't right;
and i'll fight to the death?
to my very last breadth?
if you threaten my length or my height.
"
"smiled an old cradle robber named gibbs,
""i first spotted those babes in their cribs.
lest you think me a perv?
they are just on reserve.
when they're twenty, recall i called dibs.""
"
"should a dyer who's dyeing attire
use more dye than the dyeings require,
and she falls in the vat,
it's so poisonous that
she could die from the dye, which is dire.
"
"the crafter was looking forlorn:
having fashioned her scarf out of corn,
she'd been 'peccably dressed
'til the crows grew obsessed,
madly pecking until it was torn.
"
"my computer collection's complete,
since my igor did something so sweet:
from the dark and the rain,
he's returned with a brain?
a computer that's made out of meat.
"
"a brain-damaged co-ed, paloma,
spent her college career in a coma,
but for paying tuition,
she won recognition?
a ""perfect attendance"" diploma.
"
"with a credit card made out of plastic,
your power to buy was fantastic.
self-restraint was too hard.
now you've cut up your card,
and the end to your spending's been drastic.
"
"as you're painting your face with a frown,
with the tips of your lips pointing down,
it's abundantly clear
that you're stern and severe:
you're supposed to be ""happy the clown"".
"
"your neighbors go strolling about
when the house decorations come out.
theirs are festively bright?
yours have nary a light.
they're convinced that you can't be devout.
"
"individuals freely decided
how dividual things got divided?
whereas protons stay tough
indivisible stuff
'til they're forcibly spun and collided.
"
"i bring you a cake to divide,
but you cut several pieces too wide.
then you villainous bums
leave me nothing but crumbs.
where's my chance to be first to decide?
"
"i cannot stand digging, yet buy
some digs with a garden, so why?
well, i dig smoking weed,
and dig up all i need.
do you dig where i get my supply?
"
"there're not lots and lots of occasions
when you'll need differential equations.
yet you sit on your ass
learning math in a class
full of infinites'mal frustrations.
"
"your internet dating connection
was the model of dating perfection.
so romantic, that peach
took long walks on the beach?
'til he drowned, lacking sense of direction.
"
"nude bodies are shown intertwined
in a bas-relief casting, combined
with a lecherous tale
that's insculpted in braille.
(it's so slow, making porn for the blind.)
"
"when you take mathematics in school,
you are taught the distributive rule.
if you ""times"" by a sum,
the result will become
just the sum of the products. that's cool!
"
"your retirement isn't too sharp,
so you're writing to congress to carp.
join a lobby, instead,
of the old?nearly dead,
soon in heaven and playing an aarp.
"
"had we won our division, the payoff
was to reach the divisional playoff.
but your play was so lame
in our critical game,
we'll go home for a winter-long layoff.
"
"first you're kneeling, then shifting your feet?
to the left of your hip's where they meet.
then, left-handed, hold tight
to your knee, on the right.
twisting rightward, bharadvajasana's complete.
"
"the radio stations must pay
for the swear words their disk jockeys say,
and for songs too outr?
on the records they play:
record fines set new records each day.
"
"a professor whose knowledge was deep
made a brilliant intuitive leap:
""i've become so profound
that i'm widely renowned
for my speed putting students to sleep!""
"
"""was my baby born normal?"" asked mother,
once she'd struggled delivering my brother.
counting fingers and toes,
we found ten each of those:
six on one side, and four on the other.
"
"'mongst speakers of english are many who
conclude every subject with ""anyhoo"",
giving list'ners a clue
that the topic is through.
(well, not everyone says it, but many do.)
"
"my chemistry teacher would tell
what a divalent ion does well:
""two electrons are gained
or are lost,"" he explained,
""thus completing its outermost shell.""
"
"the pope seemed a decent old gent,
but refusing to brook their dissent,
sent dissenters who fell
to the center of hell?
a descent that was meant to torment.
"
"though bush doesn't seem very brainy
(and his diction seems comically zany),
we're so glad he's not dead:
we'd inherit, instead,
his vice president ... what's-his-name ... cheney.
"
"though in winter she loves colder weather,
she's been chilled to the bone altogether.
so suspicion still lingers
she's working her fingers
to the bone, sewing gloves out of leather.
"
"whenever you venture outdoors,
you should cover your bum with your drawers.
that's the reason you got 'em:
to cover your bottom?
cuz nobody wants to see yours.
"
"on trash day, we're always on guard:
knowing what to recycle is hard.
though we're sure of the bin
that each plastic goes in,
we've no clue what is safe to discard.
"
"buying beer in a bar is a bore,
when it's clear that, by far, you'd get more
scoring cases of ale
at a place they're on sale,
in a store, though it's more of a chore.
"
"vegetarians munch on a fruit,
or they crunch on a lunch of a root.
as for me, i might eat
ugly-animal meat,
but refuse to eat anything cute.
"
"in his tennis match, tom played courageously,
though his foe overmatched him outrageously.
his opponent played loose,
won the point after deuce.
""it's ad-out,"" tom said disadvantageously.
"
"while pursuing the things that you craved,
you were wanton and cruelly behaved,
lacking care, unconcerned.
now the verdict's returned,
your indifference adjudged as depraved.
"
"in hell, evil spirits predominate:
it's these devils we'd aim to denominate.
demonologies claim
to be able to name
all the demons we love to abominate.
"
"she was letting the stage lights distract her,
and she plowed through her lines like a tractor.
your honor, i'd say
that you'd feel the same way:
she was such a bad actor, i smacked her!
"
"my math teacher thinks it's a hoot
to insist that we take the square root
of a negative number?
but what could be dumber
than a value that i can't compute?
"
"evolution disturbs reverend brown,
who considers the facts with a frown
as his concept takes shape:
he descends from an ape,
but descending involves going down.
"
"does calculus make you lose hope?
mathematical proof you're a dope?
by derivatives vexed,
you'll do integrals next,
on a path down a slippery slope.
"
"lackadaisical students confessed
liking lunchtime and recess the best.
but the aspect of school
that they hate, as a rule?
all the testing is what they detest.
"
"what's incumbent on somebody trying
to get re-elected?  denying!
watch him moving his lips
as his policy flips:
the incumbent's decumbent.  (he's lying.)
"
"you're devoted to life as a clerk,
where your internet line is a perk.
you'll begin every morn
busy surfing for porn,
but you'll dedicate lunchtime to work.
"
"a cash cow's a business or scheme
churning out a dependable stream:
once it's owned, free and clear,
it makes moolah each year.
and to think, all you wanted was cream.
"
"two climbers, a jack and a jill,
found a dangerous spot for a spill.
as they fell through the air,
things seemed fine to the pair.
but on landing, their health went downhill.
"
"to depression the down quark is prone,
since it can't call its proton its own.
it has  two lighter quarks
making uppish remarks,
both refusing to leave it alone.
"
"""i am hitting a double today,""
bragged the batter, while swinging away.
then his claimed two-base hit
headed straight for my mitt,
for a run-of-the-mill double play.
"
"you began with alliance, a pact
that you planned to go back on, in fact,
double-crossing the side
that you once had allied,
which we deem a despicable act.
"
"what's a darwinist's best explication
for why humans believe in creation?
see, the problem is solved
if our species evolved
to believe in the wrong explanation.
"
"""you'd take care of a puppy erratically.
it would need to be walked, most emphatically.
there's a robot we'll get
as your four-legged pet.
that's what's right,"" dad asserted dogmatically.
"
"cried the doomsayer, brimming with mirth,
""watch the judgment of everyone's worth!
buy your tickets real soon?
doomsday's coming at noon!
get good seats for the end of the earth!""
"
"the description dimorphous implies
just two groupings by shape or by size?
like the flavors of man
that you meet in japan?
sumo wrestlers and regular guys.
"
"she's the magazine's life-long receiver,
so its name change was destined to peeve her,
since she finds it a mystery
why canada's history
is a worthier choice than the beaver.
"
"to pliny the elder, 'twas clear
how an ostrich reacted to fear.
but that sensible bird,
thinking pliny absurd,
with a blink made the sage  disappear.
"
"on a railroad, it's well understood,
double-heading's a practice that's good
when a train's extra long,
since the trip might go wrong
using one little-engine-that-could.
"
"as an outfielder, flip is a flop;
but at beer parties, flip is on top.
on the playing field, natch,
he will drop every catch;
but while drinking, he'll catch every drop.
"
"the writer of lim'ricks finds drowsy.
""i'll define it!"" emphatic'ly vows he.
but from excess of boozing,
his time's wasted snoozing.
neglected, his rhymes turn out lousy.
"
"your portrait of cyrano shows
his enormous, extravagant nose.
but you chose to depict it
while sniffles afflict it,
and titled your work thar she blows!
"
"some boneset was brewed by aunt bea
when i'd fractured a bonelet or three.
she enquired if i'm comfy,
then hunted some comfrey
to make me some thoroughwort tea.
"
"you asked for an antibiotic,
but your pharmacist's so idiotic!
that prescription you chugged
left you spacey and drugged?
you mistakenly took a narcotic.
"
"queen elizabeth wouldn't be seen
at a drag race, ya know what i mean?
so i'd probably guess
that's some guy in her dress,
not her highness, the actual queen.
"
"i'm truly beginning to hate lee,
who bothers me greatly, innately,
since, despite what she gave
when she went to her grave,
what the hell has she done for me lately?
"
"an acarid?mightn't he bite,
a mite hungry for blood in the night?
take a stab and predict:
might we get mighty ticked
when afflicted? we very well might.
"
"a determinist lawyer named bill
drafted testament papers with skill.
when he'd ask for his fee,
people wouldn't agree?
all his clients believed in free will.
"
"here's a subject we ought to discuss:
is a ""bus line"" a queue for a bus?
or a route? or a fleet?
if my list's incomplete,
then my editor's likely to fuss.
"
"when a patient persistently sneezes,
and he wheezes whenever he pleases,
then a doctor should see
that those symptoms would be
diagnostic of certain diseases.
"
"the matador's sword tip descended,
taking life from the bull, as intended.
to the crowd's loud hurrahs,
came the thrust?coup de grace.
at that deathblow, it mercifully ended.
"
"that rumor's not easy to credit,
so consider the source where you read it.
we can safely deep-six it
unless?ipse dixit?
the subject, himself, clearly said it.
"
"they stubbornly won't disembrangle
their litigious, irascible tangle.
they could settle their suits,
but these pigheaded coots
pertinaciously argue and wrangle.
"
"a smart sociologist notes
bumper stickers' political quotes.
""your vote counts,"" reads a line
on a populist's sign.
transylvanians respond, ""your count votes.""
"
"in savasana pose, it's been said,
you pretend that you're lying there, dead.
facing up toward the skies,
clear your mind; close your eyes.
stay awake. this is yoga, not bed.
"
"we are winning when living begins:
healthy bodies in pretty pink skins.
near the end of the race,
we surrender first place.
that's a contest that death always wins.
"
"when you claim that a racehorse is fleet,
and insist that he cannot be beat,
he should finish the course!
not to beat a dead horse,
but your stallion should stay on his feet!
"
"here's our corner, where drivers don't stop,
so our junkyard (used auto parts shop)
harvests carloads of cash
every time there's a crash.
we're expecting a huge bumper crop.
"
"anna's picture? i'd taken a liking
'til we met accident'lly while hiking.
then the truth was exposed:
i'd seen anna morphosed,
and her anamorphosis was striking.
"
"your vermouth comes from france, which is why
you're preparing martinis so dry.
they'll be sweeter, in truth,
with italian vermouth,
having three times the sugar supply.
"
"diagnosed with contagious diseases,
indisposed with my wheezes and sneezes,
i'm supposed to stay in,
but disposed to drink gin,
in as healthy a dose as i pleases.
"
"your fender has just been impacted,
a result of the way that you've acted:
you're a motorist prone
to be using a phone,
inattentive and driving distracted!
"
"poor renault hit that big, bulky dodge.
""it's been totalled,"" said andre's garage.
""it's well known for fragility
and damageability.
here's what's left . . . in a box . . . quel dommage!""
"
"since a plumber would bill for his trip,
and his knowledge, and wrenches that grip,
do you wonder how come
i prefer wrigley's gum
to repair leaky faucets that drip?
"
"as she falls in the pool in her gown,
heavy waterlogged clothes pull her down.
""strip them off!"" people shout,
but decorum wins out,
so with modesty salvaged, she'll drown.
"
"an actor who'll rarely rehearse
finds effects of rehearsal perverse.
""spontaneity goes,
and the tedium shows,
so my acting's dramatically worse.""
"
"since that light bulb needs changing,  it's strange
that a roomful of shrinks can't arrange
to accomplish that end.
""there's no point,"" they contend,
""till the bulb's really willing to change.""
"
"the confectioner sighed, with a shrug,
""we made comfits that folks really dug.
now my stupid trainee
has discomfited me,
selling sugar-wrapped honey-dipped slug.""
"
"drilling platforms seek valuable crude
from the seabed, till everyone's mood
shifts to anger and blame
when they go up in flame,
and a few million gallons are spewed.
"
"drive the limo?  my parents won't let me.
where's that driver they promised to get me?
now my driver's appeared:
it's a golf club.  they're weird,
going out of their way to upset me.
"
"good driving is hard to sustain
when you drive in a hard, driving rain.
though a hurricane's here,
you continue to steer
when you can't see the road.  that's insane!
"
"your weather reports make me weary,
so i'm sharing my peeves with you, dearie.
when i wake to a day
that's a fabulous gray,
you describe it as dismal and dreary.
"
"an auspex, a flighty old roman,
watches doves to divine where they're homin'.
these movements of birds
bring prophetical words
from the auspices reading an omen.
"
"it is silly?a billion bacilli
adhere by bacterial villi.
their alveolar locus
gives the question more focus:
won't i die from infection or will i?
"
"our employee's too tall?that's a fact.
go tell alice we'll make her compact.
try a magical drink;
she'll get downsized?she'll shrink.
but if that doesn't work, she'll be sacked.
"
"double helices serve to define
twisting paths 'round an axial spine.
each degree of rotation
yields increased elevation,
as the paths of two points intertwine.
"
"you put most of your cash in a stock.
since the market's gone down, you're in shock.
your account crashed and burned.
here's the lesson you've learned:
keep what's left of your cash in your sock.
"
"the alto sax playa was flighty;
her urging for merging was mighty.
her morals got loosa
to john phillip sousa,
parading around in her nightie.
"
"""if i had a hamster,"" sang steve,
""i would hamster all morning and eve,
all over this land?
what's to misunderstand?
it was pete seeger's pet, i believe.""
"
"""i'm a terrible goddess,"" said kali,
""get a devi who's nicer, by golly!
i think shakti would do.
you'd like parvati, too.
having only one mother is folly.""
"
"""for a person who only likes rock,
that's a tad contrapuntal,"" you mock.
""but it's only a joke
when i go for baroque,
playing stuff so fugued up,"" i shoot bach.
"
"playing draw has a certain appeal:
if you don't like your cards, and you feel
that the game will be lost,
then some cards can be tossed,
and replaced in a second-round deal.
"
"what are dripstones?  it's easy to spot 'em
when calcareous caverns have got 'em.
reaching up from the floor
grow stalagmites galore,
while stalactites extend top to bottom.
"
"this evening's my fancy affair,
and your job's shlepping dinnerware there.
but you've mixed up the dates:
i've no silver, nor plates,
so i'm tearing my hair in despair.
"
"doubleheaders? i'd venture to say
those are two-headed monsters to slay.
amphisbaena the worm
offers baseball a term
for a team playing two games a day.
"
"if extending a hole is your goal,
buy a suitably wide metal pole
having helical grooving.
by twisting and moving
that drill bit, you'll carve out a hole.
"
"""there's a ruling that drooling's not cool,""
said my etiquette teacher in school.
""open mouths may permit
you to slobber and spit.
wipe your chin off and follow the rule.""
"
"there are weapons, as likely as not,
in the school where you're sending your tot.
she's less likely to die
if the backpack you buy
helps protect her, deflecting a shot.
"
"the bellwether sheep feels like hell,
bleating, ""flock-leading's all very well,
but this leader recalls
that he gave up his balls
in exchange for that leadership bell.""
"
"doug adams' cruel torture: mayhap,
if you fall in the vogons' foul trap,
it could hardly be worse:
first, they read you bad verse,
then insist that you smile and you clap.
"
"""i've returned from the grocer's with ch?vre,
so let's eat it for lunch, or what?vre.""
""but your cheese smells like goat,
so take note of my vote:
maybe later?or better yet n?vre.""
"
"if restrictions on what you can do
can depend on your gender or hue,
then desegregation
removes limitation,
expanding what's open to you.
"
"when allowing a mung bean to sprout,
just repeatedly rinse it, without
ever letting it get
either dry or too wet.
then 'mong bean sprouts, mung bean sprouts stand out.
"
"junky huts that your drunk uncle milt
built on stilts tend to funkily tilt.
since they still weigh a ton,
disequilibrate one,
and you're sunk?you'll be kilt when it's spilt.
"
"from your heart, your aorta goes bending,
then it branches, towards pelvis extending.
though you stand on your head,
nonetheless, it is said,
your descending aorta's descending.
"
"our diaphragm sales have been brisk:
it's a flexible rubberized disk
that can serve as a lid
so the cervix is hid.
if you don't want a kid, cut the risk.
"
"his dentistry's painless, it seems,
taking numbing techniques to extremes:
drinking gin and vermouth
lets him work on a tooth
while desensitized, deaf to your screams.
"
"when you're healthy, your life is a breeze.
but it's hard when you constantly sneeze,
harbor parasite worms
and some flesh-eating germs ...
'tisn't easy to live with disease.
"
"a bona fide bounder named max
had committed unspeakable acts,
so his good, faithful wife
has improved him for life:
he's been bonified using an axe.
"
"a compound with radio-label
enters tissues and binds where it's able.
a photon's expulsion
through photo-emulsion
reveals where the binding was stable.
"
"those cashews are nuts as you please,
and they're shaped like a bowlful of c's.
so you chomp and you chew,
and pronounce them ""ca-shoo""
when you're caught in the midst of a sneeze.
"
"cruciverbalists like the effect
when a lot of their words intersect.
many letters are shared
in a puzzle prepared
so the boxes all interconnect.
"
"for the omelets you're planning to make,
buy a duck, but avoid the mistake
of obtaining a male,
as he's likely to fail:
laying eggs is no job for a drake.
"
"once a bit twiddler, using its ""wits"",
finds its bits where the bit pattern sits,
bitwise shifting, or changing,
or bit rearranging
are routine for routines twiddling bits.
"
"the figure who waits in my foyer
is shiva, my wife's hindu lawyer.
as the aspect involved
when creation's dissolved,
he's a whiz as a marriage destroyer.
"
"the suggestion you made really stunk:
store my clothing and shoes in a trunk.
so i stuffed them inside.
soon the elephant died.
your advice didn't help?it was bunk!
"
"when their conquest by romans was nigh,
there was ritual murder to try.
but the outcome was tragic:
druidical magic
caused nary a roman to die.
"
"our language?where phrases are broken?
may evolve as the words are misspoken.
the modern-day apron
was once just a napron?
the cloth that this once would betoken.
"
"when his parents were glad to announce
he's a healthy ten-pound seven-ounce
chubby bouncing young baby,
his brothers thought maybe
they'd find out how high he could bounce.
"
"billionaires have a billion, but then,
one might ask what is owned by such men.
for example, my billion
costs ten-point-eight million
in dollars. (that's one billion yen.)
"
"though addressing a scot as ""your skirtship""
would surely be heard as discourtship,
he would owe you a curtsey
ere causing you hurt, see??
essential for courteous hurtship.
"
"we imagine the stallion named ed,
speaking out, as he stands in his shed:
""i'm the corpse of a horse,
of course, of course,""
since by now, he's undoubtedly dead.
"
"captain kirk wants his rolltop restored,
which'll take all the wood in my hoard.
though i've asked for a number
of pieces of lumber,
his crew only beamed me a board.
"
"you're a diplomat, keeping your cool,
once you finish diplomacy school.
all its diplomates state
that they don't get irate
when they're baited by fools, as a rule.
"
"how much bang did you get for your buck?
seems your currency swap was in luck!
i got bucks for my bang,
so my register rang
with exchange rates that totally suck!
"
"when glaciers deliver a gift,
unlike fedex, they won't be too swift.
don't expect 'em next-day:
boulders, gravel, and clay
(called diluvia, till, glacial drift).
"
"kermit's born with the relevant gene,
""but my pigment takes effort,"" he'd keen.
""it's so hard,"" he would sob,
""what a difficult job!
'tisn't easy,"" he'd wail, ""being green.""
"
"mr. burns has increasing concerns:
higher taxes the more that he earns.
does the state serve him more
than it used to, before?
not at all?it's diminishing returns.
"
"the cantharis beetle and kin
make secretions that blister the skin.
ardent suitors rely
on the ground spanish fly
to induce se?oritas to sin.
"
"my darkening mood is progressive,
in my life as a manic depressive.
but my bout of depression
will end with obsession,
expressing compulsions excessive.
"
"""alas,"" said poor architect, yorick,
whose columns evince the historic,
""when i build that cape cod,
should i make its facade
be corinthian, tuscan, or doric?""
"
"my dad bought a new captain's chair,
giving orders we shouldn't sit there.
but when dad left for town,
we took turns plopping down,
'cuz we thought that the rule wasn't fair.
"
"three-dimensional things, when it's brighter,
cast a shadow below?tops are lighter.
thus, an animal hide
has a white ventral side
so our chance to perceive it is slighter.
"
"a. baumannii threatens to fill us:
it's a common aerobic bacillus.
since available drugs
cannot weaken these bugs,
just a lungful could possibly kill us.
"
"that predictable prophet of doom
is the grumpiest guy in the room,
bringing everyone down
with his scowl and his frown.
has he nobody else to engloom?
"
"bush-clinton-bush-clinton's a bore:
not a kerry, and nary a gore.
once this sequence appears,
lasting twenty-eight years,
her new moniker may be in store.
once she's billed chief executive
(rhymes with consecutive),
might she be dubbed ""44""?
"
"""computer!"" the captain would say,
as he stood on the bridge every day.
""give me tea.  make it hot.""
and more likely than not,
he would mention his preference, ""earl grey.""
"
"on star trek, we pitied the crewman?
some hapless anonymous human.
beaming down always led
to the verdict, ""he's dead,
jim,"" discerned by the doctor's acumen.
"
"a reactor that's nuking a beryl
is creating a medical peril:
though the gem's more attractive,
it's radioactive.
could your jewelry be making you sterile?
"
"my jaw meets my head at these points:
the temp'romandibular joints.
used to chew or to kiss,
or enunciate this,
my articulateness disappoints.
"
"an electron now targetward flies;
its velocity gradually dies.
many wavelengths it makes
as it puts on the brakes:
thus, the bremsstrahlung rays will arise.
"
"asperger's syndrome does share
several symptoms with autism where
interaction's affected
and friendship's rejected ?
the cause of a parent's despair.
"
"when we google ""cutaneous tingles""
in the earliest stages of shingles,
the browser then proffers
a number of offers:
""meet sexy acyclovir singles!""
"
"i considered the dish of the day
at a lackluster baghdad cafe.
on the chef's bad advice,
i was served ""condi rice"",
which the chef made a hash of, they say.
"
"'round the dial, his hands slowly climb,
wearing gloves like some minuscule mime.
mickey's fingers are key,
so it's digital, see,
since wherever he points tells the time.
"
"tetracyclines have broadly been said
to inhibit infections we dread.
there is aureomycin,
should slowness suffice in
preventing chlamydial spread.
"
"dartitis, your doctor observes,
is the reason your dart always swerves,
as you grip it in fear.
he's prescribing more beer
so you'll calm your anxiety (nerves).
"
"in marble, he's really prolific,
carving marvelous things cataglyphic.
but his headstones don't sell,
since he simply can't spell.
rest in piss doesn't sound too terrific.
"
"""twelve draughtsmen are needed"" proclaim
all my newspaper ads.  what a shame:
while responses i saw
wanted jobs where they draw,
still my board's short of discs for a game.
"
"is the cat still alive or undone,
with its qubits half zero, half one?
with the box staying closed,
states are superimposed,
'til observed live or dead?
in a ""cat state"", it's said.
has the feline nine lifetimes or none?
"
"poor henry?how strangely he grew?
wears a huge, boxy, oddly shaped shoe:
every side of the pair
is a neat twelve-inch square.
and we try not to stare, yet we do.
"
"hybrid blindfish, as scientists find,
sometimes see, once their genes are combined.
in the land of the lightless,
these partially sightless
are kings, blindly leading the blind.
"
"i'm bewildered why tilde should dwell
'twixt the last ascii character, del,
and the right squiggly brace?
a nonsensical place
that makes learning the alphabet hell.
"
"could an analyte not be confused
with a tool some proctologist used?
if the docs don't see clearly,
their patients pay dearly,
and end up too tender and bruised.
"
"with the candidates straddling the fence,
and the voters incurably dense,
our election looms, ominous,
for lack of more commonness
in misleadingly named common sense.
"
"anna's circus trip meant quite a lot,
so she circled the calendar spot,
but that day, she stayed in
with edematous skin,
anasarcous, and sadly forgot.
"
"it requires an arterial shunt
for a curious surgical stunt:
when the humps of a camel,
that oddly shaped mammal,
are shifted around to the front.
"
"the cnidarian body is made
with a radial floor-plan displayed:
the umbrella or bell
holds the stomach as well;
'round its mouth are the nettles arrayed.
"
"the kids that i'm hanging among?
energetic, ambitious, and young?
have their ladders to climb
while, regrettably, i'm
stuck in place on the very first rung.
"
"his promotion is making no sense
since your qualification's immense.
now you feel discombobulated
(he'll be getting the job you rated)?
you're confuzzled and stunned by events.
"
"i'm inclined to play tricks, so i hope
that you'll sit on my couch with a slope,
rolling off with an ""ouch"".
(my discubitory couch
was designed for reclining, you dope.)
"
"some blokes are too fond of critiquing
how the folks o'er the pond have been speaking.
words that rhyme well with hover, see,
are prone to controversy?
with each faction contentiously freaking.
"
"at the funeral, everyone's blue.
cheering up is the least i can do.
but they find unbecoming
the dirge that i'm humming?
it's called, ""happy deathday to you"".
"
"her truelove became disenamored
with the way she incessantly yammered,
with her losing her glamour,
her fracturing grammar,
and stints in the slammer when hammered.
"
"though his kisses arouse?disentrance?
spellbound maidens, poor, loveless sir lance
finds the girls noncommittal
once they've seen lance-a-little.
he's a toad, so he gets little chance.
"
"""the selection procedure was screwy?
the criteria listed were hooey!
when the navy picked dewey,
they screwed us.  oh, phooey!""
griped admirals huey and louie.
"
"diastole's resting your heart,
while it's filling with blood, at the start.
then the muscle contracts,
and each chamber compacts,
thus impelling the blood to depart.
"
"the olympian judge was unjust;
when he wouldn't discuss it, i cussed.
""that's a discus,"" i pled.
""it's a frisbee,"" he said.
so i stomped off the field in disgust.
"
"whenever babinski expects
to engage in some toe-curling sex,
he reflects that the curl
of the toes on his girl
might detect neurologic defects.
"
"the demonstrators, marching in lines,
leave you certain what each one opines:
re-invade vietnam!
nuke the whales! bang the bomb!
up with protestors carrying signs!
"
"flowing fabric made elegant shapes
'round her window. what beautiful drapes!
""it's a good thing!"" she'd yell.
then they'd change martha's cell,
fearing drapery-aided escapes.
"
"he lithpeth too much, doth my couthin,
reading odeth on a bumblebee buthin':
shining hourth don't improve
when that bee dothn't move,
leaving pollenleth plantth by the dothin.
"
"""i'm making you right-brained,"" she said,
as she brained me right over the head.
was she merely sadistic?
i'm no more artistic,
except that i'm now seeing red.
"
"a surfacing large hippopotamist,
who'd expected to stir up a lotta mist,
found it shocking to stand
on completely dry land
next to moses, the famous dichotomist.
"
"individuals building a high wall
should never construct it of drywall:
slabs of plaster would wear;
paper surfaces tear.
i'd prefer brick and mortar for my wall.
"
"when an affine equation you see,
such as y = mx + b,
then its graph is a line.
this equation works fine
unless vertical (x = d).
"
"fossil-hunters were fooled and misled
when a brontosaur, thoroughly dead
and interred in the ground
so remarkably found
a maneuver for losing his head.
"
"ancient egypt was smitten when frogs,
once nilotic, came swarming from bogs.
when ruled by zenobia,
did batrachophobia
clog egypt with dying frog gogs?
"
"the senator used camouflagic
behavior for masking the logic
that just wasn't there.
he even would dare
to call honest dissent demagogic.
"
"said an ass to the man on its back,
""the carrot and stick is a tack
you might want to reflect
on.  got carrots?  expect
me to carry you.  sticks, though, are wack.""
"
"she'll benumb your distresses, it's true.
the ""she"" is good glinda, that's who.
in her caldron, she boils
malted barley and oils
of hops, which she calls ""witch's brew.""
"
"would-be actresses, might i suggest
that the casting director is best
who rates how you act
by your style, not the fact
that you have or have not a big chest.
"
"puritanical is the mentality
of some; alas, that's the reality.
so show me a sign
of what crosses the line
when i write about sex, or carnality.
"
"agi will determine how much
of your income is free to the touch
of the feds.  i'm disgusted
because my adjusted
gross income has got me in dutch.
"
"when i play the piano, it shocks.
i'm so horrid, the keys should have locks.
it's the same when i'm playing
the market.  i'm saying
i blow chopsticks and blow blue chip stocks.
"
"two junior high girls, buddy-buddy,
were innocent, carefree, and nutty.
but separate paths taken
meant friendship forsaken.
one's wholesome; the other turned slutty.
"
"living here, antinational views
mean america gives you the blues.
you may march in the street
for this country's defeat;
i'm afraid, though, it's you who would lose.
"
"overcome by a bad bronchiolar
disease was an avid young bowler.
the second-hand smoke
at the lanes made him croak.
now an angel, he's one holy roller.
"
"when i'm done with my business, i flush.
then i get down to business ? no rush.
i plan business vacations
for large corporations;
but it's none of your business, so hush.
"
"when a man tried to speak to a hottie,
his stomach would always get knotty.
the guy found his voice
when he died; he'd no choice ?
everywhere, a celestial body.
"
"an active cell shows on the screen
in a spreadsheet.  a border is seen,
which highlights the cell
for numbers as well
as for formulas; adding's routine.
"
"a man, stripped and beaten when found
by a trekker, was jericho bound.
the robbers who fled
adummim thought him dead.
through god's grace, the man rose off the ground.
"
"mccartney and clapton weren't bugged.
for the camera, they happily mugged
and then played their guitars,
these acoustic rock stars,
on the mtv series unplugged.
"
"i'm agnostic, i.e., noncommittal.
the concept of god is a riddle;
same for heaven and hell.
others' ""truths"" just don't jell.
i devoutly inhabit the middle.
"
"a peeper, extremely impressed
when the minister's daughter undressed
and put on her nightie,
exclaimed, ""god almighty,
the closer to you, the more blessed.""
"
"an exhibit where donkeys amass
is on view to the public through glass.
one day at this zoo
a blind donkey broke through
and encountered a pane in the ass.
"
"abikus are demons who dwell
in children and snack for a spell.
there's a cycle of death
and again drawing breath
for the kids and abikus as well.
"
"our society's cashless, and all it
required were the wires to install it.
electronic's my spending
on bills neverending.
it means i've less cash for my wallet.
"
"i'm chagrined.  what i thought was a breeze
has, in fact, caused me mental unease.
i was met with disgrace
'cause i figured to ace
all my midterms, but got only d's.
"
"if a man has a painful erection
because of a penis with flexion
or urethra that's short, he
may suffer from chordee
and seek phalloplastic correction.
"
"the church service lasted too long.
so assented the congregate throng.
clearing throats led the pastor
to preach a bit faster
and reach the recessional song.
"
"i go to cafes to relax
and have coffee and maybe some snacks.
some have seating outside.
when it's nice out, i bide
till i'm seated; they're filled to the max.
"
"the former recording star bridled,
resenting his fame being idled.
his loss is our gain.
maybe now he can rein
in his ego and not feel entitled.
"
"i achieved what i set out to do.
all my schooling is finally through.
with my liberal arts major,
however, i wager
that good-paying prospects are few.
"
"some leaders, today antismoke,
may tomorrow attempt to revoke
other freedoms they tag
to be vices ? a drag.
it's high time the masses awoke!
"
"aor ? need a ""def""?  here's a few:
warren zevon, led zeppelin, the who,
jethro tull, manfred mann,
fleetwood mac, steely dan,
alice cooper, the band and u2.
"
"an alterer works on my clothes.
i'll have to lose weight, i suppose.
she said, ""letting out
any more is in doubt.
i'm afraid that's as far as it goes.""
"
"misguided ? arresting the young
for acid drops placed on the tongue.
when the cops found out we
didn't do lsd
but did lemony drops, we got sprung.
"
"her abearing is hard to abear.
do i put up a fight?  i don't dare.
she's abearing my kid,
and her hormones forbid
disagreement.  i don't stand a prayer.
"
"rhetorical rants against bush
come from some with agendas to push.
""i don't follow, professor.
why's bush the aggressor?
'cause he's kicking some terrorist tush?""
"
"john bobbitt forced sex on his wife
and was in for the shock of his life.
he awoke from repose
in great pain 'cause his hose
she cut off with a large kitchen knife.
"
"you can see that i haven't the bod
to get pregnant; i'm male.  so it's odd,
you may think, that i suffer
what my wife does.  no bluffer
am i.  this condition's couvade.
"
"bush beat kerry and, earlier, gore.
in '08, bush is running no more.
dems, we know you're incensed ?
you're still running against
him.  to win, though, you'll say what you're for.
"
"the long-legged daddy espied her
and wondered if he could excite her.
the black widow frowned,
""don't be hanging around.
you'll regret that i'm just a one-nighter.""
"
"i could tell by his callous reaction
not to count on that guy's benefaction.
long ago philanthropic,
he now blames myopic
officials with no plan of action.
"
"antichoicer you're labeling me.
you hypocrite!  why can't you see?
you don't want to give choice
to those with no voice,
yet you live in the land of the free.
"
"there are underground networks (not raves);
unlively, these grottos or caves
called catacombs hold
""people"" far beyond cold ?
just their bones remain resting in graves.
"
"with my moderate views, i don't lean
either way.  call me central ? between
the left and the right
who endlessly fight.
put differently, they are the mean.
"
"noble head of a lion (""nice kitty!"")
on the body of goat isn't pretty.
add the tail from a snake?
what a mess you would make!
send that monster right back to committee!
"
"when i'd worked on a job, 'twas required
to be finished ere time had expired.
no more beating the clock?
it's been smashed, with a rock.
clock got beaten the day i retired.
"
"that farmer is mocked as a fool,
since he plows with an old-fashioned tool.
but his loudest detractors
ignore other factors:
that farmer's in love with his mule.
"
"your leisurely ambulance drive'll
be bad for your chance of survival.
er doctors'll say,
""we're too late?doa.""
what a shame you'll be dead on arrival.
"
"it's a rubber device to control
how much water's contained in our bowl.
once the drainage is through,
there it's sitting, askew,
just a drainplug dislodged from its hole.
"
"when i leaned on my new drop-leaf table,
i exceeded the weight it was able
to support with its leaf,
so its hinge came to grief,
thus exposing a small warning label.
"
"this is smokable stuff, guaranteed,
which could get you as high as you need.
but you're fresh out of cash,
so you won't score a stash.
what a drag not to drag on some weed.
"
"former lives fill your heart with dismay?
reincarnate, and hope it's okay,
since your game might improve
if you take back a move
in the ultimate do-over play.
"
"when a headshrinker takes retribution,
his captives will face execution;
then he'll take off the head
from the recently dead,
and conclude with the head's diminution.
"
"the weatherman claimed it would sizzle,
and at worst, if it rained, it would drizzle.
but the forecaster erred:
storms with lightning occurred,
making plans for my beach outing fizzle.
"
"there once was a gambler who said,
""when a woman gets into my bed,
then that's pretty good odds
that she wants to join bods.
i proceed, thus, to cover the spread.""
"
"the billions of souls in the nation
of china face harsh regulation.
to dare to dissent
means the state pays your rent.
get too vocal, you face liquidation.
"
"with cosmetic procedures extolled,
some become antinaturally sold
on the notion of tweaking
their bodies, thus seeking
a surgeon to break nature's mold.
"
"the candidates vie state by state;
first came iowa 2008.
will huckabee's win,
and obama's, begin
some momentum?  we'll just have to wait.
"
"said a born-again christian, ""i pray
to the lord up above every day;
i've a personal bond...""
i jumped in to respond,
""if it's personal, keep it that way.""
"
"your interest rate must be amended
when seeking a loan that is blended.
and while the rate's less
than on new loans, i'd stress
that your old rate cannot be extended.
"
"""i orient rock toward adults,""
said the aor chief, who exults
if the play list relies
on adult music buys
and an arbitron jump then results.
"
"""when describing myself 'anti-west,'
i meant not what that word may suggest,""
said a muslim.  ""my nation
has one tv station,
whose owners are batman-obsessed.""
"
"all riddled with bullets ? a fate he
embraced with his bonnie tough lady.
at redemption, his shot
came from film.  now he's hot!
(per the fans of forever young beatty.)
"
"i choose, cafeteria style,
to date women with looks that beguile.
choice of dishes is vast,
so i'll pass 'em by fast
if they're planning to walk down the aisle.
"
"don't believe action films.  it's routine
to film actors in front of a screen.
chroma key is required
to merge backgrounds desired
with live action ? that's key to the scene.
"
"my abjurement of god came about
over time hearing people devout.
evolution is lacking,
they say, yet they're backing
a theory that raises more doubt.
"
"some carollers came to my door
singing songs, but this christmassy corps
didn't come in december;
the month was september,
giving rise to my giving what for.
"
"a nurse, nearly blind, caused some harm
at a nudist camp blood drive, alarm-
ing a man with a penis
so huge and so venous:
the nurse truly thought it his arm.
"
"teaching right from what's wrong, we would mold.
now our daughter is sixteen years old,
and my wife and i sigh.
the wrong crowd caught her eye;
we can't wait till our baby's paroled.
"
"those who live in a communist land
know that choices aren't many at hand.
antimarket's the course
that their leaders endorse.
i'm so glad we're not buying that brand.
"
"receiving a sexual guide,
an assumed inexperienced bride
and groom laughed as they wrote
to the senders a note:
""these positions we've already tried.""
"
"as you go down your itemized list
with your pen, make sure nothing is missed.
use a checkmark ? a stroke
down then up.  okeydoke?
all it takes is a flick of the wrist.
"
"the muslim-turned-christian's conversion
was not made complete by aspersion.
more symbolic, he thought,
it would be if he sought
the lord's kingdom by total immersion.
"
"closing time is the time of the day
when a business sends patrons away.
but with patrons too few,
then its days may be too.
a ""for rent"" sign may be the display.
"
"a howler out prowling for fowl
with a growl caught an owl in a towel.
this alouatte monkey,
foul-smelling and funky,
wore the cowl of a monk with a scowl.
"
"when they double your pay, what's in store?
will you earn twice as much as before?
""i'm an intern,"" you say,
""so i don't work for pay:
i'll receive not a half-penny more.""
"
"your diet worked great, so you've shrunk.
now your swimsuit falls off when you dunk.
in the surf, you'd supposed,
bodies don't get disclosed?
but it's time to go home, so you're sunk.
"
"if you're doing the deed with a kid,
and you don't keep the deed fully hid,
then you're deeply in doo-doo,
no matter what you do,
by dint of the deed that you did.
"
"the girlfriends with whom he disports
are impatient but frolicksome sorts.
""come and play,"" they will say,
""but we don't have all day.""
to be quick, he no longer wears shorts ...
"
"since the power's gone out, i've been stuck:
i've been trapped halfway down?rotten luck,
waiting hours, so bored,
'til the power's restored.
sometimes escalator rides really suck!
"
"she waved off the flavor you gave her,
though you gave her her favorite flavor.
fearing each ounce of fat,
she discountenanced that.
(she observed what you served with disfavor.)
"
"poor unfortunate little bo peep,
who was found on the ground in a heap,
with her crook and her hat,
near the side of a vat.
she got poisoned while dipping her sheep.
"
"to call it a ""dimmer"" seems right,
when we make our surroundings less bright.
but its name seems a glitch
when, by twisting that switch,
we're increasing the brilliance of light.
"
"permitting the barley to sprout
gets its diastase out and about.
maltose sugar's released,
giving yeast cells a feast?
something brewmasters can't do without.
"
"i got cold cuts from deli trainees.
i could tell that they lacked expertise,
cutting jagged salami,
roast beef, and pastrami;
the worst part was cutting the cheese.
"
"i knew early on, beyond doubt,
i was gay, and i wanted to shout,
but i hid.  my best friend
said, ""this torture must end,
so wherever you are, please come out.""
"
"of course, they had lives of their own,
but the foursome, collectively known
as the beatles, gained fame
as a group and became
known, with dylan, for setting the tone.
"
"a tv is often referred
to as boob tube; i find that absurd.
no boobs do i see,
since it's only on pre-
mium channels that boobs are assured.
"
"the abortion pill purges what dwells
early on in the womb.  what compels
the right-to-life foes?
here's the question i pose:
are you for eighty-sixing those cells?
"
"advertisers are running amuck.
they're pursuing the almighty buck.
though i'm anticommercial,
it's noncontroversial
to those who just endlessly suck.
"
"while wearing a teddy she bought,
a girl asked her guy what he thought.
""my utmost approval
is gained by removal,""
he said.  ""you bought largely for nought.""
"
"to my mind, a woman's allure
is the greatest when she is demure.
when i act, though, the fact
is i'm lacking in tact;
i'm dismissed 'cause my thoughts are impure.
"
"to eat lots of food, she'd the urge.
now of vomiting, she's on the verge.
both behaviors, each day,
can be summed up this way:
binge-and-purge, binge-and-purge, binge-and-purge...
"
"don't miss out on those men in their prime
in october when baseball's sublime
and the best teams compete.
baseball fever's a treat,
so remember to catch it in time.
"
"i studied the great funny brits
for my upcoming battle of wits.
someone told me, ""no, no.
study smart people.""  so
i gave up on pythonian skits.
"
"the arbors were two sets of brothers
who sang mostly music of others.
many teens thought their style
(easy listening) was vile,
but this group was a hit with the mothers.
"
"before me lie paths of my choosing ?
one sullen, the other amusing.
i'll opt for the latter
to make me feel gladder.
the ill-humored path i'm refusing.
"
"holding hostages?  serious error.
we'll consider this threat to be terror.
with a hit-and-run raid,
our commando brigade
will strike quickly and make your ranks barer.
"
"when my workweek's been overly taxing,
i blow off some steam with a waxing,
get my hair and nails done,
and then soak in the sun
at my beauty salon ? quite relaxing.
"
"once i close up the store, we can sup.
here's some coffee. you'll have half a cup?
is this decaf or caf?
darn! my eyesight is half
what it once was; i now read close-up.
"
"said a lady who came to my door,
""i've some products you need to explore.
simply purchase from avon
and find out you'll save on
perfumes, lotions, lipsticks, and more.""
"
"his shenanigans happen too often,
and support has continued to soften.
will another report
(the unflattering sort)
be the ultimate nail in his coffin?
"
"""it's a wonder we still are alive.
slowing down sure would help us arrive
safely home,"" she critiqued.
then i screamed, anger peaked,
""either shut the hell up or you drive!""
"
"my mom says i'm going to hell,
'cause i chanted a black magic spell
for the purpose of evil ?
pandemic upheaval.
does it count that i wished my mom well?
"
"a man who was stuck in a rut
said, ""i've got to change something, but what?""
a notion then came
to live life as a dame.
now the door to his manhood is shut.
"
"there's a season to everything, so
says the bible.  pete seeger, we owe
for adapting the words,
adding music.  the byrds
turned it into the hit we all know.
"
"if god, the creator of earth,
were to sell it today, he'd find mirth
in the buyer's remorse;
we've been drifting off course
for a long time and lessened its worth.
"
"the time served in prison for child
pornography shouldn't be mild.
lock 'em up ? those who traffic
in images, graphic,
of minors, their pureness defiled.
"
"said a doctor, explaining in brief,
""trust me, clitorism's not a belief.
your clitoral issue?
prolonged in the tissue,
erection is causing you grief.""
"
"what charisma!  i'm backing barack.
on the white house, he'll sure have a lock.
a case open and shut ?
his election.  so what
if i'm part of the media flock?
"
"the bleeding-heart libs like to show
their compassion by how much we throw
at life's problems, then say
when results cause dismay,
""what we need is more money.""  oh, no!
"
"vitriolic: the anti-bush forces,
opposing whatever his course is
for the u.s. of a.
since they won't go away,
i just smile and consider the sources.
"
"giuliani faced rugged terrain
in the states where he didn't campaign.
ranking third where he did
led to dropping his bid.
he will now be supporting mccain.
"
"if to mental disorders you're prone,
there's treatment.  just get on the phone
to a shrink, who's the link
to get thinking in sync
by prescribing butyrophenone.
"
"today's visit reminds me i've one
of the worst doctors under the sun.
there's pain on my right side.
""well, look on the bright side,""
he says.  ""on your left, you have none.""
"
"asphyxia, autoerotic,
depletes oxygen.  some are quixotic,
not seeing that heightening
one's pleasure by tightening
a noose may cause death.  idiotic!
"
"fred thompson withdrew from the race
for the white house; he didn't keep pace
raising cash to contend,
thus he couldn't ascend
much beyond his conservative base.
"
"chirographical issues delay
us from treatment.  our docs have a way
to make pharmacists shrug,
'cause the scrip for the drug
is illegible ? what does that say?
"
"to the seller i said, ""i'm afraid
it's too much.  will you let me persuade
you to grant a price less
than what's listed?""  success!
she accepted the offer i made.
"
"""scientific consensus,"" we're told,
but is junk science what we've been sold?
""global warming's man-made"" ?
if you fail to be swayed,
then you're bound to be left in the cold.
"
"just 'cause book learning got your degree,
don't assume that you're better than me.
though your knowledge acquired
through books is admired,
i've got street smarts ? i do, and i see.
"
"high achievement's not yours for the touch,
and you won't be accomplishing much
if you give in to doubt.
it, for sure, will win out.
accepting such fate is a crutch.
"
"in letters adjacent, i find
too few words.  now i'm so far behind,
it brings utter surprise;
after two dozen tries,
i'm still winless ? it boggles the mind.
"
"i write of when box cars were home
in my freighthopping days.  you can comb
through a treasure of tales
of my life on the rails
and my journeys.  please read when in roam.
"
"the common folk, low/middle station,
preserve customs from one generation
to the next.  rank and file
will determine group style.
as these people go, so goes our nation.
"
"he did voice-over work for busch beer;
in good-ol'-boy roles he'd appear;
he could sing; he could write
(ringo starr, three dog night) ?
long and varied, hoyt axton's career.
"
"""you had hand-turned crank handles?  bizarre!""
said my son.  ""were they standard?  each car?""
""power windows,"" i said,
""arrived later, which led
to us grasping how lazy we are.""
"
"""have you heard that new group and their song?
it's their breakout hit single.""  ""you're wrong.
with exposure much less
till that song brought success,
they're a group that's been here all along.""
"
"""two side walls and one in the back
form a box set; that's something we lack.
if it's not built today,""
the director said, ""pray
our careers won't be fading to black.""
"
"the browns ? maxine, bonnie and jim ?
took a song from the french on a whim;
""the three bells"" hit the top
in both country and pop.
jimmy brown is the subject ? not him.
"
"with rejections too many, the glitter
of fame gave a pass to this quitter.
all the while, on the screen
i see talent that's lean.
this pill that i swallow is bitter.
"
"distribute, adapt, reproduce ?
all allowed under copyleft use:
future authors who edit
must give one due credit;
in the public domain it's let loose.
"
"i'm becoming increasingly flustered.
i've tried, but i can't cut the mustard.
sugar tops cr?me br?l?e ?
i can brown that okay,
but i keep overcooking the custard.
"
"she sang country and crossover pop.
raw emotion led straight to the top.
patsy cline would assert,
""i just sing like i hurt
inside.""  truly, the cream of the crop.
"
"the public won't back john mccain
'cause iraq is a mess?  you're insane!
then again, what you hear ?
an agenda ? makes clear
that the press views success with disdain.
"
"george brummell (known always as beau)
lived in england a long time ago.
he got men to dress better,
this arbiter/setter
of fashion who died with no dough.
"
"i reflect on my sins and repent
this ash wednesday, the first day of lent.
with these ashes i trust
that i'm dust unto dust,
and this cross stands for him who was sent.
"
"a mom, who felt more than a tad
like a man, cursed the body she had.
so she got sex transference
and her children's assurance
that now they'd consider her ""dad.""
"
"a roped-in, raised platform that's square
is a boxing ring.  fighters fight fair
with a referee's aid.
ringside judges will grade.
winners oft need less medical care.
"
"blonde moments that used to be rare
have increased since i colored my hair:
my gray matter's drained;
i've become scatterbrained;
but of fun, i've had more than my share.
"
"make sure the mechanics you choose
get consistently stellar reviews.
a blown gasket today,
fixed a haphazard way,
pissed me off, got me blowing a fuse.
"
"beg your pardon?  i didn't quite hear.
please repeat 'cause i want to be clear.
your notion is wacky
that i'll be your lackey.
you must have your head up your rear.
"
"it's not the economy, john;
just who are you trying to con?
the bridge people's plight
stems from not being right
in the head from the drugs that they're on.
"
"white minority rule is what led
to the tensions that came to a head.
liberation was sought.
many blacks became caught
in a bloodletting; thousands were dead.
"
"a chicago lad, fart wunderkind,
has town leaders profoundly chagrined
that a trend will appear.
then their city, they fear,
will be known for the wrong kind of wind.
"
"a woman who's pleased by her spouse
in their sex life may nonetheless grouse.
brownie points won't be earned
in the bedroom, i've learned.
they accrue if i help 'round the house.
"
"my hands have a burning sensation
with excessively drenched perspiration;
and now, under the skin,
groups of blisters pop in ?
cheiropompholyx, such irritation.
"
"popcorn balls, with my girl, i would savor.
ah, molasses or caramel ? what flavor!
it was love at first bite,
but like ships in the night,
she soon passed on the cornball i gave her.
"
"i like night clubs ? i dance with the horde
at one place; then if i can afford
it, i visit a lot
(a short time in each spot).
why i club-hop?  i'm easily bored.
"
"there's the black hat; he enters a bar.
on his shirt, sheriff's stolen bronze star.
in his hand, .44.
if you want to know more,
we'll be back, so just stay where you are.
"
"the spouse of the patient, upset
in the er, no more is a fret,
'cause this crasher passed out.
now her husband, no doubt,
we can focus on.  don't wake her yet.
"
"if you're driven (it's only a hunch),
there are guys you can beat to the punch.
your decisive first move
gets you into a groove
as you eat competition for lunch.
"
"the equipment we use for croquet:
mallets, balls, wickets, stakes.  wanna play?
but my grass, overgrowing,
will first need some mowing,
perhaps in a figure-eight way.
"
"""sugar, sugar"" was bubblegum panned
by the monkees.  a fictional band
that don kirshner created,
the archies, then made it
the number one song in the land.
"
"chiliburgers are good, but bring grief.
it's that chili con carne; ground beef,
onions, peppers, and beans
on my hamburger means
i'll be seeking some bathroom relief.
"
"you say bulbs on the billboards so bright
flash in rapid successions of light,
so the movement we see
is illusion?  i'll be!
it's apparent, by golly, you're right!
"
"said a gay to his ex, ""you're a great man,
but surely you knew it was fate, man.
we've talked of our dreams
to form comedy teams,
but neither one wants to play straight man.""
"
"i love this well-rounded academy.
if my folks only knew, they'd think bad o' me.
my schoolwork's been lax ?
i'm engrossed to the max
in the study of female anatomy.
"
"""you can put me to death on the cross,
though to crucify me is no loss,
but a gain,"" jesus said.
""by all means, go ahead.
a religion will start, says the boss.""
"
"made with mustard and onions and chili,
coney islands (i know this sounds silly)
are michigan-hatched.
try this hot dog, unmatched.
i think you'll agree it's a dilly.
"
"contagiously spread among folks
are the laughs at tonight's comic's jokes.
that's not all that gets spread;
there's a cold in his head.
a hoarse audience member now croaks.
"
"the brit sent back beer at the pub
and yelled, ""waiter, you've managed to flub!
this mug is a stein!
is this germany?  nein!
bring a tankard, you ignorant schlub!""
"
"the president wishes to stay
well above the political fray.
he won't get involved
till the issue's resolved.
let's hope congress will see it his way.
"
"through a rotating drum, heated air
will evaporate moisture.  it's rare,
after clothes-dryer tumbling,
to find me not grumbling
'cause one of my socks lost its pair.
"
"""mamma mia,"" a swede said one day,
""you oedilfers prefer just one way.""
""that's the name of the game.""
""for diversity's aim,
take a chance on this: a-b-b-a.""
"
"the class laughed and called mary a fool.
the teacher explained, ""as a rule,
if safe sex is your quest,
latex condoms are best,
not the lambskins you brought into school.""
"
"san francisco was home to this band,
but (don't laugh) sounding british was planned;
the beau brummels ? their name.
just a little fame came.
too few hits made them not in demand.
"
"said a guy whose divorce just went through,
""i'm so lucky to bid you adieu.
best of all is i won
at the lotto, and hon,
i don't need to share any with you.""
"
"boblo island amusement park filled
me with joy in my youth.  how i thrilled
to the sky streak and screamer!
we'd get there by steamer.
no longer.  the crowds have been stilled.
"
"body temperature: measurements meet ?
we get rid of and generate heat.
a thermometer's hung
either under the tongue
or between the two cheeks of one's seat.
"
"curiosity drove a young fellow
(still a virgin) to try a bordello.
walking in, he was nervous,
but, thrilled with the service,
left later that night feeling mellow.
"
"an anonymous letter was sent
by a customer wanting to vent.
it was hostile and rude,
leading folks to conclude
that this crank wasn't very content.
"
"said a guy at a bakery, ""ma'am,
i'd like pastry cream, whipped cream, or jam
between layers of puff
pastry ? man, that's good stuff!
glazed with ? what?  out of cream slices?  damn!
"
"for acceptance he hoped on inspection.
the sampling, though, led to rejection.
the guy had to scratch
the whole merchandise batch,
for defectiveness prompts a defection.
"
"i had worked 50 years.  now i'm through
with that life when my mondays were blue.
but i'll make a confession:
i miss that depression,
'cause now i don't know what to do.
"
"i totaled the car.  goodness sakes!
i judged wrongly the distance it takes
upon braking to stop ?
braking distance.  now pop
says i'm grounded for life.  them's the breaks.
"
"said my broker with consummate charm,
""this sure thing won't be causing you harm.""
so i risked it ? how dumb!
my success didn't come.
lost the ranch that i bet and the farm.
"
"the counterintelligence head
asked that disinformation be spread
to befuddle our foes.
i obliged, bringing woes
to the organizations i fed.
"
"as much as we'd like to prevent
accidental death, time's better spent
on the steps of life's dance.
things occur quite by chance;
careless dying is not our intent.
"
"i read blurbs on the back.  in the flaps,
i read summarized contents.  perhaps
if the book jacket's piquing
my interest, i'm seeking
the middle to fill in the gaps.
"
"""conditioning's what you require,""
said my shrink.  ""that's when stimulus prior,
which didn't relate
to your acts, you equate
to behavior you loathe or admire.""
"
"blue dog democrats?  here is the meaning:
from districts conservative-leaning,
they see the far left
being wisdom-bereft.
they helped newt in the house do some cleaning.
"
"after showering, some will take care
to add volume and style to their hair
with a hairbrush and blow
dryer.  me?  years ago
i did; now i'm not blowing hot air.
"
"the back country region's remote.
folks are few, so my time i devote
to composing some verses,
but solitude curses.
that's all, as the phrase goes, she wrote.
"
"""all for one, one for all"" ? it would seem
all of congress had worked as a team.
pet projects were banned.
kumbaya gripped the land.
but, alas, it was only a dream.
"
"water vessels, i once had a hand in
constructing; but leaving them standin'
before they were done
was a habit.  ""last one,""
said the boss.  ""no more ships you'll abandon.""
"
"pat boone covered black r&b
with success to a white-bread degree.
then with ballads he scored.
he still sings for the lord,
this devout mr. nice guy (aw, gee).
"
"said my doc when her hand was released
from my gut, ""venous pressure increased.
ajr is a sign
that your heart's in decline.
i'll make sure you don't wind up deceased.""
"
"one who busts out of jail breaks the law.
bust out laughing?  that means you guffaw.
if a woman enhances
her chest, then the chances
are good she'll bust out of her bra.
"
"getting shipwrecked on lesbos was ben,
who learned women there don't have a yen
for the straight life, and so
having nowhere to go,
he accepted his fate to date men.
"
"god created the crucifix fish
to be more than just food on a dish.
that its skeletal section ?
a cross ? brings reflection
of christ is his ultimate wish.
"
"the phone calls and notes he was leaving
were signs of his lack of achieving
contentment.  distressed
cries for help, unaddressed,
are the reason we gather now, grieving.
"
"every now and then people have gripes,
but my boss (though he's one of the types
who thinks blaspheming's wrong)
yells and screams all day long
either ""jiminy christmas!"" or ""cripes!""
"
"the negative press on gov. palin ?
a week of continuous railin'
against her ? created
a backlash; high-rated
is palin.  the drumbeat is failin'.
"
"i was born in the years fewer treks
to the bedroom were made to have sex.
this big birth-rate decline
followed boomers.  what's mine?
baby busters we're called or gen x.
"
"said the third little pig, ""you guys saw
what became of your sticks and your straw.
if you brick up the walls,
you'll be safe from the squalls
like the ones from this wolf that we gnaw.""
"
"when my pet protozoan, complex
in its structure, rids waste that collects,
a cell ""anus"" is used
(cytopyge).  confused?
it's through this that the matter ejects.
"
"""come on, little angel"" i know,
and their hit ""tell me why""; so i go.
the marquee said in neon
the belmonts (no dion).
the place was half full for the show.
"
"divine providence brought me to you.
my bashert, you're my soulmate; it's true.
what will be, predesigned,
is two lives intertwined.
we're a match made in heaven.  ""i do.""
"
"every job that i've had didn't last
'cause my bosses got rid of me fast.
they'd assign easy work,
but my methods would irk;
i'd complexify things.  work amassed.
"
"this junker i'm driving is crappy.
repairman, i beg, make it snappy.
my wedding's at stake,
and i don't want to make
a whole church full of people unhappy.
"
"i believe that the mind's a blank slate
when we're born, that we have no innate
mental content; but you
take the opposite view
in our nurture v. nature debate.
"
"the soul stirrers had as their lead
young sam cooke, a great talent indeed.
when pop music called,
some in gospel's crowd bawled
'cause they knew with that voice he'd succeed.
"
"the pot that a crocker named betty
delivered one day to tom petty
was a hit.  with a grin,
he said, ""won't you come in?
in this clayware, i'll serve up spaghetti.""
"
"god spoke, and i thought it sublime.
he said, ""up from the gutter you'll climb...""
then my glee turned to tears
when he said, ""...30 years
down the road, my son, all in due time.""
"
"you may need, if a wound's on your skin,
prepared animal membrane that's thin.
this covering, cutin,
protects (no disputin')
and helps to let healing begin.
"
"we abandon ambition and goals
and obey our great leader.  our roles
are as doctrine adherents.
don't run interference.
this ""cult,"" as you call it, saves souls.
"
"the sergeant barked, ""give it your all!
push yourself to the limit!  don't stall!""
i began at full force
on the obstacle course
and completed it, balls to the wall.
"
"a permissible attitude flows
through society's veins, and it shows.
today's toleration
begets degradation.
yes, nowadays anything goes.
"
"i'm always a bridesmaid and never
a bride.  i come close.  will i ever
fulfill my ambition
and get recognition,
whatever my chosen endeavor?
"
"the thing that a woman expects
from a babe magnet, frankly, is sex.
but she also must know
there are likely, in tow,
several women who want to be next.
"
"cyclophrenia, coined long ago,
had affected my gramps.  i now know,
from the genes that he gave,
how it made him behave;
i'm bipolar ? i'm high, and i'm low.
"
"the candidate talked a good game.
now he's prez, and his tenure is lame.
seems his promises vowed
were just words to the crowd.
he's all talk and no action ? a shame.
"
"""hey doc, how much time have i got
with this case of cyesis ? a lot?""
""you have eight months to go.""
i was thinking, ""oh, no!""
till he told me i'm having a tot.
"
"said a pacifist, ""sure, powder keg
would describe our relations.  i beg
you, though, don't go to war
'cause the price, costing more
than it's worth, is an arm and a leg.""
"
"dave white wrote a song, ""do the bop.""
which would later be called ""at the hop"" ?
a great song indeed;
danny rapp (singing lead)
and the juniors went straight to the top.
"
"""no challenging questions here, please.
pave my road to the white house with ease.""
and so who do we thank?
all the press in the tank
who, with softballs, made winning a breeze.
"
"his patience, endurance, and hope
had been spent; he could no longer cope.
as a desperate plea,
he prayed, ""god, set me free!""
and was found at the end of his rope.
"
"my support for our leader turned sour
when i learned of his absolute power;
it corrupts absolutely.
i now am astutely
aware and in need of a shower.
"
"i'm deficient in oxygenation
of my blood.  i've a blue coloration ?
cyanosis.  it shows
in my lips, fingers, toes
and my tongue with decreased circulation.
"
"""mr. rumsfeld, iraq was no threat.
you were wrong.""  ""mr. kennedy, let
me inform you who's wrong.
what happened so long
ago shows us just who is all wet.""
"
"his words and his deeds disagree,
and the point is, my friends, you can see
that i've got a clear record;
my opponent's is checkered.
at the end of the day, vote for me.
"
"my friend has a henpecking spouse;
he's afraid to go back to his house.
so i told him, ""be brave;
act as master, not slave.
you're a man, not a scaredycat mouse!""
"
"""a chain is as strong as its link
that is weakest,"" the boss said.  ""you stink.""
the business had slid
from the damage i did.
i got canned, and it's now in the pink.
"
"your manner is terse; you're concealing
yourself.  i don't know what you're feeling.
though you're puzzling and cryptic,
your nudist camp trip, dick,
has proved at least somewhat revealing.
"
"a game's box score in baseball lists stats
like home runs, stolen bases, at-bats,
errors, hits, rbis,
runs, and sacrifice flies.
what?  no column for overpaid brats?
"
"warring countries had hoped to reduce
all the violence by calling a truce.
but control sadly lacked
when a rogue force attacked,
which incited all hell to break loose.
"
"my last money i put in the slot
of that vegas machine.  it was not
working right; it was busted.
i kicked it and cussed it.
the cops cuffed me there on the spot.
"
"there's a t-shirt that's called baby tee.
though designed for a baby, i see
them on teenage girls too
and young women (woo-hoo!).
short and close ? that fit does it for me!
"
"an author, notorious crook
in the past, urges folks, ""take a look
at my life ? how i've turned
things around and i've learned
that it's best to live life by the book.""
"
"your absence ? it tears me apart ?
is the source of this ache in my heart.
your being away
makes me miss you each day,
even more than i did at the start.
"
"this law says a refund's expected
on beverage containers collected.
a bottle bill makes
a state's rivers and lakes
and its highways less litter-infected.
"
"if you like the lewd limericks i write,
then my one-man show's sure to delight.
hear my filthy mouth; go
to the opening show ?
curtain raising's this saturday night.
"
"he promises tax cuts to all
but the five percent earners who fall
above 250 grand.
carrot dangling, he'll land
in the white house, then tax cuts will stall.
"
"very small are these fish that can cling
onto seaweed, rocks, any old thing
in the ocean.  i waded
and almost invaded
two clingfish caught up in a fling.
"
"collectanea: pieces of writing
anthologized.  very exciting ?
there's a limerick booster
at simon & schuster.
dirty verses, i now learn, he's slighting.
"
"larry craig and mark foley we know
are republicans.  telling us so
were the anchors of news.
ain't it funny when shoes
are on dem's feet, no mention?  ho, ho.
"
"clinton beat the obama sensation ?
in new hampshire at least.  vindication?
had more states followed suit,
there'd have been no dispute.
she'd have picked up her crown (coronation).
"
"the circumcised boy suffered sore skin;
his parents are those who abhor skin
that covers the glans.
they made operative plans
for a mohel to slice off his foreskin.
"
"berlin wall falls: speak gorbachev's name
if you're playing the liberal game.
credit reagan?  no way!
9/11: just say
it's not clinton's fault ? bush is to blame.
"
"he found shooting his parents endorphin-
releasing.  in court, he's now morphin'
from happy to sad.
he's got chutzpah, that lad.
""please take pity,"" he says.  ""i'm an orphan.""
"
"the ballot in michigan's vote
for the dems has omissions; of note,
no top-tier obama,
no edwards ? no drama.
the chance clinton loses?  remote.
"
"i always keep cotton cake handy.
my cattle would say that it's dandy.
this pressed cottonseed,
oil extracted, is feed.
i once ate it; it's no cotton candy.
"
"chirogymnasts aren't those, one might guess,
who do backflips.  instead, they address
finger health.  these machines
will, by exercise means,
give the pianist greater success.
"
"obama's a rock star.  his pawn
is the press; objectivity's gone.
there's just no concealing
that warm, fuzzy feeling.
it's so blatant how journalists fawn.
"
"my dad says my intellect's dim,
that i'm foolish and act on a whim,
that i'm crack-brained and mad.
last christmas, for dad?
i gave a thesaurus to him.
"
"i was breadwinner (making the most),
but the layoffs have made my job toast.
since my wife became prime
money earner, my time
has freed up, so more limericks i post.
"
"dactyloscopy's used to compare
lifted prints from a crime scene.  beware,
those of criminal mind,
not to leave them behind
or you just might be facing the chair.
"
"all the nudists are showing their stuff.
they hang out every day in the buff.
like the day they were born,
with their birthday suits worn,
they're buck naked and can't get enough.
"
"chicago police in their squad
cars and illinois nazis (how odd)
pursued elwood and jake.
with some orphans at stake,
elwood called it ""a mission from god.""
"
"a condition of infants with low
butterfat in their diets may show
in their eyes.  there may be a,
with dacryorrhea,
tear discharge excessive in flow.
"
"administrative leave's what i'm taking.
at a fact-finding mission, i'm quaking.
though i still receive pay,
that will end any day
now with proof of the rules i've been breaking.
"
"fawning movies, an ass-kissing book,
star-struck stories wherever you look:
fair reporting is dead
when it's sharing a bed
with our leaders, who stay off the hook.
"
"johnny ace, after singing a set,
was backstage playing russian roulette.
that's a game he would lose.
fans were left with the blues,
and they're pledging their love for him yet.
"
"the latin for acorn is glans,
which looks like an acorn ? each man's.
men, don't sleep in the nude
if you camp; i was viewed
by a squirrel with dinnertime plans.
"
"""the nutcracker suite"" and ""the flight
of the bumble bee"" ? classical, right?
hear my rockin' cd
with the stingers and b.
bumble's versions; they sound out o' sight.
"
"life was empty, and nothing sufficed
till a born-again christian enticed
me to join bible study.
now he's not just my buddy;
we're bonded as brothers in christ.
"
"your service i didn't request.
now you're begging for money, you pest!
your aggressive demand
will coerce me to hand
over nothing, so give it a rest.
"
"my euphoria led to despair
on a back breaker trip ? don't know where.
sounds and colors were busy.
i was anxious and dizzy.
now i'm home.  the lord's answered my prayer.
"
"you're overly conscious of class
and complain the elite get a pass.
when you show solidarity
and say there's no parity,
you're really a pain in the ass.
"
"california and mexico boast
the beach pancake.  i think it's the most
pretty plant; red like wine
are its flowers divine
when it blooms on the dunes of the coast.
"
"i cringe when i hear the song ""play me"" ?
third verse, second line.  can you blame me?
a great songwriter ought
not use brang to mean brought.
neil to label: ""for words and tune, pay me.""
"
"there once was a barfly named norm.
every day was the same; true to form,
he would take to his stool
and drink beer.  as a rule,
no one else's butt kept that stool warm.
"
"she can cheerlead ? the best that i've seen.
she's a jumping and dancing machine.
when she dates, out of step
are the jocks 'cause her pep
is a 24/7 routine.
"
"""the culicifuge used in this spray
makes mosquitoes and gnats stay away,
so our barbecue guests
won't be bothered by pests.""
(spoke too soon.)  ""your mom's coming today?""
"
"she'd not seen collared lizards before,
so i took her downstairs to explore.
as she stroked its big head
she excitedly said,
""ooh!  that band 'round its neck i adore!""
"
"there's no doubt whom the press is behind.
(gee, you think it's obama?)  remind
me again whom you're for
in puff coverage galore.
there's no balanced reporting, i find.
"
"we're calling for all hands on deck.
with no bailout, this country's a wreck.
so let's get a bill passed:
pull together, work fast
to keep further collapses in check.
"
"""i've got cypridophobia, see?
morbid fear of contracting vd.
who needs screwing?"" she said,
""we can cuddle instead
and just talk of our dreams.""  lucky me.
"
"oh, the damage that boxing can bring!
beaten down to a pulp in the ring,
this once showboating clown
has severely slowed down.
wear and tear made him lose all his zing.
"
"disagreements have spurred us to fight.
can we bury the hatchet ? put right
what has torn us asunder,
make peace, put this blunder
behind us, and then reunite?
"
"obama, a black man, gained traction
to much of this land's satisfaction.
his masterful climb
was his own.  is it time
to end race-based affirmative action?
"
"terror's downfall depends on our fixture
in the middle east.  those voicing stricture
have limited scope.
complete exit's their hope
in the present; they miss the big picture.
"
"at the drop of a hat, two men fought
without prompting.  the reason?  for nought.
or at least they forgot
why they fought on the spot.
seems the fight wasn't given much thought.
"
"he was asked if he'd punish success,
and obama, unguarded, said yes.
joe the plumber fell victim;
the sycophants sicced him,
doing damage control in the press.
"
"the profits from mines would entrance
labor forces and more to the dance,
making boom towns of old;
but deposits ran cold,
and they stood not a ghost of a chance.
"
"i want my small business to grow
down the road (maybe four years or so).
with obama in charge,
higher taxes loom large.
so right now, i prefer to aim low.
"
"opportunities stall in some nations
less rich, which can lead to migrations
of those highly skilled
to where knowledge can build.
brain drain losses?  the smart populations.
"
"""there's a reason your brother's not found,""
god tells cain.  ""he cries out from the ground
that you killed him.  your fields
will produce paltry yields,
and you'll restlessly wander around.""
"
"darwin theorized man and ape linking.
opposition, their ""evidence"" shrinking,
says we're made from the sod
in the image of god.
will they ever evolve in their thinking?
"
"""on man's origin, light will be thrown.""
so said darwin (biologist), known
for his study of creatures
with similar features.
minds closed, some refuse to be shown.
"
"this notion can bring you to tears:
if you're talking and nobody hears.
if this happens to you,
go to england (please do).
find prince charles; he can help ? he's all ears.
"
"i didn't feel right in the head,
so i took to a hospital bed
where i slept over days
in a sedative haze;
with this dauerschlaf, demons got shed.
"
"controversialists like to dispute.
speak your mind, and they'll go in pursuit
of an argument.  don't
speak your mind, and they won't.
('round my family, i'm quite often mute.)
"
"condisciples took heed of the speech
of their classmate who stood up to preach:
""fellow students, let's all
shun these bricks in the wall
in this classroom and head for the beach!""
"
"dirty laundry i don't like to air.
it's apparent my wife doesn't care.
out in public she squealed ?
private matters revealed.
now she's told, ""any more, please don't share.""
"
"banks had mandates to lend people money.
we were living the life; days were sunny.
but with no way to pay
it all back, now we say,
""could we borrow some milk and some honey?""
"
"with science, it's truth that's our aim;
what is written in scripture's just claim.
where we see contradiction,
we know that it's fiction.
forgive them, in charles darwin's name.
"
"civility's hard to achieve
when we're ""stupid"" for what we believe.
is it too much to ask?
are we up to the task?
is expecting politeness naive?
"
"where's that money you owe me, you slob?
you're a deadbeat who can't keep a job.
default on this loan?
then the fault is your own.
it's a matter i'll take to the mob.
"
"from the spanish vaquero, the word
buckaroo in the states is preferred.
he's a ranch hand on saddle
who tends to the cattle
and horses, and wrangles the herd.
"
"""beyond question, your question is dumb ?
no disputing ? as dumb as they come...""
(tough questions deflected ?
an art i've perfected)
""...on that issue, the president's mum.""
"
"'57: they last made the scene
as the nfl's best.  many lean
years would follow ? just one
playoff win; now they stun
with ineptness ? they lose all 16.
"
"with my headstanding/handstanding knack,
competition at clubs i'd shellac.
but the years, they unfurled.
i, at breakdancing, twirled
my last time before breaking my back.
"
"he's got daltonism ? caused by a gene
that's recessive and sex-linked; it's seen
far more often in males.
certain colors one fails
to distinguish ? what's red and what's green.
"
"with science, they try to defame
what is written in scripture ? a shame.
where we see contradiction,
we know that it's fiction.
forgive them, in jesus's name.
"
"when abandonment value exceeds
present prospects for profit, it leads
firms to start liquidation;
they've no expectation
that asset returns will meet needs.
"
"i came out.  i'm no longer a liar.
now i'm camping it up.  some inquire
of the swish in my walk,
and the lisp in my talk,
and my voice being two octaves higher.
"
"with the british invasion, the tide
brought chad stuart and jeremy clyde.
here they found great appeal
with their light, folky feel:
they'd a seven-top-40-hit ride.
"
"""i'm positive i can attract,""
said one cell to another.  ""it's fact.""
""cytotaxia made
me repulsed, i'm afraid,""
said the other.  a bonding they lacked.
"
"they attacked on american soil,
and you question my methods to foil
any future attacks?
these are terrorist acts.
from tough measures we must not recoil.
"
"in my stomach some butterflies dwell
every time she comes near.  i'm in hell
with a feeling uneasy;
i'm anxious and queasy.
too shy, i can't flee from my shell.
"
"when a president makes a decision,
it's regarded by some with derision.
have the disparate voices
affected my choices?
no way.  i stayed true to my vision.
"
"on your lower abdominal wall,
a congenital defect we call
cyllosoma stunts growth.
you don't have it on both
lower limbs; only one side is small.
"
"your words have no substance; they're pap.
if you can't speak the truth, shut your trap.
all that nonsense you spew
won't endear me to you.
please just take my advice ? cut the crap.
"
"god sees all.  he'll repay us in kind
for our deeds, good or bad.  keep in mind
we shall reap as we sow.
let good character show,
and his blessings in heaven we'll find.
"
"the doc said, ""i need to destroy
a thalamus portion.""  (oh, boy!)
""i'll apply extreme cold.""
(starts with cryo-, i'm told;
-thalamectomy ends it.  oh, joy!)
"
"""count the votes!""  they were counted; bush won.
""well, then count 'em again!  we're not done
till the victor is gore.""
the supremes said, ""no more.""
cries of ""stolen!"" had only begun.
"
"of cold cereal flakes, puffs and o's,
sugar-coated is best, and it shows
on my waist.  general mills,
post and kellogg's give thrills
to my tastebuds.  my bowl overflows.
"
"they narrowed the four lanes to two.
as for sidewalks, that area grew.
space for parking on-street
made the project complete.
shoppers stop now and don't just pass through.
"
"acts would flower.  providing the stem
was herb alpert (exec, a&m).
when he played with the brass,
record sales would surpass
nearly everyone else.  what a gem!
"
"voter polls told us what to expect ?
that the black guy's the one we'd elect.
the result?  a surprise
'cause some little white lies
had created the bradley effect.
"
"tony snow and tim russert had class.
always smiling, they shunned the morass
overwhelming d.c.
their disharmony-free
approach countered the partisan crass.
"
"yes, i wrote a dark comedy ? true ?
a satirical take on taboo.
there's a girl on the sauce
'cause of rape from her boss;
but it's funny, so give it a view.
"
"we see washington wonks overwhelm
sarah palin.  she entered that realm
as mccain's vp pick.
if he wins and gets sick,
there's a babe in the woods at the helm.
"
"bobby darin splish-splashed on the scene
of the music world; later, big screen.
his role versatility
and singing ability
were just like a well-oiled machine.
"
"said the doctor, ""the white count is high
in your urine.""  i thought, ""will i die?""
but he added, ""don't worry.  a
case of cyturia
means antibiotics we'll try.""
"
"my job sucks, and no weekday's a fun day.
i dream of retirement one day.
the weekend's sublime,
but too short.  then it's time
to go back to the salt mines on monday.
"
"""i'll denudate,"" the candidate said.
""he'll lay bare his whole life, every shred,""
said the press.  voted in,
now his words take on spin
as he sports a new look ? a shaved head.
"
"do you smell his cologne?  get a whiff.
here he comes.  do you notice he's stiff?
well, he won't be for long.
""care to dance to this song?""
""oh my god!  total loser!  as if!""
"
"massive federal spending has failed
in the past when economies ailed.
a healing infusion
of cash is illusion.
by fools who now lead, this plan's hailed.
"
"an architect, not in accord
with the client (a vision ignored),
said, ""the failure is mine,
so i must redesign.
i'll go back to the old drawing board.""
"
"the stock in our company fell.
and our boss?  he dismissed personnel.
i'm just one of a mass
whom he kicked in the ass.
hope this bloodletting jerk lands in hell.
"
"the slope between high tide and low
is the beach face, whose beauty we owe
to those waves washing home ?
endless tides with their foam ?
giving shape to the sand with their flow.
"
"""lightning strikes"" and ""two faces have i""
were big hits for lou christie.  this guy
sang a ""rhapsody"" fine
and the song ""make you mine.""
after that, his career?  it went dry.
"
"wrote the critic, ""this play's a delight.
you'll find laughs and applause at their height.""
so my wife and i go
and see crowds sro.
this great show brings the house down each night.
"
"i've a craving abnormally strong.
i'm addicted to drugs (yes, it's wrong).
loved ones got my attention
with a staged intervention.
they said, ""you'll be dead before long!""
"
"a curtain was made of bamboo,
and severely restricted the view
of the communist nations
of asia.  relations
improved; then the cold war was through.
"
"there's no god in my life.  i don't pray.
yes there is, and i do, others say.
i have now seen the light
and concluded they're right.
god, i pray they would just go away.
"
"through conversancy, i am acquainted
with a woman who's far from the sainted.
i found out first-hand
that she racked up five grand
on my credit card; nearly, i fainted.
"
"a firm-eating, opportunistic
conglomerate's cannibalistic.
it acquires and absorbs
with a goal to make forbes,
leaving little guys not optimistic.
"
"short-term memory's a source of frustration,
as are thoughts (their slow speed of formation);
but i have a proclivity
toward creativity.
for that, my brain shuns limitation.
"
"mental/physical slowness you see.
closed-head injury when i was three
killed off brain cells.  repair
(or cytothesis)?  there
is no way.  just accept me as me.
"
"new york governor spitzer's wide range
of support, he discovered, would change
by reversal; sex bought
led to eliot caught.
(politicians who fool us?  how strange.)
"
"sang the ad libs ? one female, four males ?
of a boy and from where the boy hails.
till the '80s they sang,
this doo-wop style gang,
caring not for, it seems, record sales.
"
"""he's articulate, bright, and so clean.
that's a storybook.  know what i mean?""
with that ""clean"" remark, joe
meant obama is no
vulgar rapper whose mouth's a latrine.
"
"i asked if she wanted to dance
in the hope it might lead to romance.
""gotta run,"" she replied
as she swept me aside.
with that brush-off, she spurned my advance.
"
"john bobbitt asked, ""what's the prognosis?""
the doc said, ""looks good ? no necrosis,
reattached nerves and veins
means your function regains.
now, let's hope you've no more colobosis.""
"
"my plate's full every hour i'm awake.
i don't sleep much.  my health is at stake.
it's just too much to handle ?
both ends of the candle
are burning.  i'm due for a break.
"
"""billionth (point, then eight zeros, then one)
of a chance,"" she remarked, ""we'll have fun.""
i had to destroy it ?
""you needn't enjoy it,""
i said, dropping odds down to none.
"
"i work hard every day, and for what?
so those not even taxed get a cut
of my paycheck.  d.c.
says that's how it must be.
that's the thanks i get busting a gut.
"
"you uncritically find him compelling.
your ardent support is quite telling.
go ahead and believe,
but, my friend, you're naive
to buy into that garbage he's selling.
"
"another's the day and the dollar;
what a boring old job.  i would holler
if not stopping to think,
""does my work really stink
when compared to the idle in squalor?""
"
"i'm extracting your cataracts.  do
please recall all the world may look blue.
cyanopia's what
this is called.  you're no nut;
this condition is fleeting;  don't sue.
"
"a back stabber's bond is pretend.
her intention's to pose as a friend.
better watch what you're saying;
she'll wind up betraying
your trust, and your ""friendship"" will end.
"
"limbaugh hopes that obama will fail
with his ""socialist"" plans.  minions rail
against rush and his brand.
the deflecting command
from the president's ship is ""assail!""
"
"the shrinking of varnish attacks
older artwork, producing fine cracks;
this is known as craquelure.
for art to look truer,
smart forgers add cracks, which theirs lacks.
"
"my dad always said, ""buckle down!
be a serious student; don't clown.""
i was eighteen years old
when his words would take hold,
but by then i missed out on a gown.
"
"we sang as we marched at high noon.
the place is our base, camp lejeune.
sarge yelled, ""company, halt!
about face!""  without fault,
a one-eighty we did ? changed our tune.
"
"i informed freshman congressman clem
that bipartisanship for a dem
isn't giving a little
to meet in the middle;
instead it's agreeing with them.
"
"most reporters have liberal views,
and this bias comes through with the news.
all their ""experts"" and sources
lean left, which of course is
their goal ? give us news that they choose.
"
"donald drowty was ""dante.""  his group
called the evergeens sang ""alley oop.""
some success the song gave them,
but nothing could save them
when record sales later would droop.
"
"i'm responsible, keeping an ear
to events, so blame me if i steer
this great country astray.
i'll not scapegoat ? no way.
i'm commander.  the buck?  it stops here.
"
"tom's solitaire game got no boost
after four of the cards had vamoosed.
""wait a sec!  what the heck!
this is not a full deck.
every two's been unloosed,"" tom deduced.
"
"from their early days (rhythm and blues)
as the robins, their songs would amuse.
as the coasters, they found
more fame clowning around.
later groups with that name would confuse.
"
"said achilles, ""i cannot reveal
my one weakness.  my death it would seal.""
but an arrow would go
straight from paris's bow
to that spot on achilles ? his heel.
"
"a crosswalk is no place to greet
other walkers when crossing the street.
in the lines of this path,
you'd be risking the wrath
of the drivers by dragging your feet.
"
"a halloween gag went awry,
and a guy gave a torturous cry.
when i warned, ""it appears
there's real blood in your tears,""
he screamed ""dacryohemorrhea!  my eye!""
"
"grace broussard &amp; dale houston (no clue?)
sang ""i'm leaving it (all) up to you""
(for two weeks, it was top) and
a second hit, ""stop and
think it over,"" before they were through.
"
"bring it on!  we will never be cowed.
we'll stay standing resilient and proud.
are we up for a fight
against evil?  damn right!
terror simply will not be allowed.
"
"hormone levels have plunged; she's depressed.
she can't bond with her baby; she's stressed.
tears and mood swings begin.
baby blues have set in,
and she's craving a luxury ? rest.
"
"you ask, ""dave &amp; deke?  who are they?""
rockabilly's the music they'd play.
they honored the past
with their combo ? a blast!
five short years, then they called it a day.
"
"short-term history doesn't say squat,
'cause the breadth of achievements cannot,
without time, be known truly.
i'm chastised unduly.
my hunch ? down the road?  not a lot.
"
"profit margins we want to expand
so the future will be as we planned;
but right now, we all know,
for our venture to grow,
we must tend to the business at hand.
"
"i've tried every possible route
that i know of to go in pursuit
of that girl on my mind.
at wit's end, i've divined
no maneuver to capture this beaut.
"
"being girl-less was taking its toll
on self-worth, so i took as a goal
to improve my technique.
and now helping this geek?
hidden tools ? they're my ace in the hole.
"
"i take some tobacco and stuff
my dhudheen.  then i light up and puff
on this short-stemmed clay pipe.
to my friends, though (the type
who are dippers), i'm not up to snuff.
"
"""armageddon!"" the witnesses drill
in my head.  now i've made myself ill
over prophecies dire
that we all will expire.
friends say, ""here's how to save yourself ? chill.""
"
"i play tournament scrabble.  by far,
i'm the best; on the board, i'm the star.
david gibson and brian
cappelletto keep tryin'
to top where i've set this high bar.
"
"the vagina may harbor a threat.
cytological study will let
women know ? cell collection
aids cancer detection
with help from a cytopipette.
"
"a man with an active libido
once told me he lives by the credo
""always bring women bliss.""
i pay homage to this.
every miss thinks my lovemaking's neato.
"
"hostile nations are pains in the neck.
through containment, we'll keep them in check.
strategic alliance
should curb their defiance.
if not, then we must go high tech.
"
"both darden and clark had a goal ?
systematically blowing a hole
in the simpson defense,
but the jury, quite dense,
freed the killer of ron and nicole.
"
"""hurry, mom!"" she cried out.  ""call a nurse!""
twelve years old, she had felt nothing worse ?
the cramps and the blood,
the emotional flood.
then her mom said, ""don't fret.  it's the curse.""
"
"i said, ""honey, you're bent out of shape
over nothing.  i tried to escape.""
but my wife, angry red,
screamed, ""i saw you in bed
with your 'honey'; i've got you on tape!""
"
"the quarterback handed the ball
to the tailback, who, not one to fall,
had the other teams frazzled
with moves that bedazzled.
this ball carrier's now in the hall.
"
"i arise out of bed when the sight
of the first sign of daybreak means night
is officially done ?
with the rise of the sun
at the crack of dawn's earliest light.
"
"we'd a whole lot of folks taking naps;
the result was the wall street collapse.
now we're stuck with the bill,
which is nearly a tril.
we share blame; we elect the same saps.
"
"i didn't know what was in store;
i tried cross-country skiing.  no more.
i hiked trails in the snow
on two skis.  now i know
how it feels; every muscle is sore.
"
"said a virgin, ""i'd like to abstain
from premarital sex.""  ""why refrain?""
asked the guy she was dating.
they were later caught mating
at bob's quickie chapel on main.
"
"he awoke in his hospital bed
from a coma.  the first thing he said:
""though i dreamed the idea
of jerry garcia,
i'm grateful i'm back from the dead.""
"
"i'm led, by the facts that i've viewed
and the analyzed stats, to conclude
that, if diets are fad,
the success rate is bad.
by proponents, such data's pooh-poohed.
"
"theodoric?  you're viewed with disdain.
joan, the miller's wife, thinks you're insane,
as her daughter now pays
for your bloodletting ways.
there's no humor in draining a vein.
"
"my time-wasting dalliance annoyed
my stern boss; office girls i enjoyed.
but my playful flirtations,
against regulations,
is why i'm no longer employed.
"
"quick and drastic's the drop in the price
of this stock.  take your broker's advice:
""bottomed out (at its nadir),
buy now.  what comes later
may favor this roll of the dice.""
"
"the patriots, 18 and 0,
were the favorites to win the big show.
with determined defiance,
the underdog giants
surprisingly conquered their foe.
"
"mike love told his cousin, ""quit tryin'
to screw with the formula, brian!""
good vibrations returned
for the beach boys; they learned,
with nostalgia, that fun's never-dyin'.
"
"their top 40 hits? 36!
they sang about surf, cars, and chicks.
the beach boys i play
on my ipod each day,
'cause i must get my fun music fix.
"
"brian wilson, mike love and the rest
made great music out there in the west.
this group mastered the turf
of the music called surf.
i consider the beach boys the best.
"
"i went back to square one ? had to halt
and start over.  a prankster at fault,
i knew, when i tasted,
my efforts were wasted ?
the sugar container held salt.
"
"remember, a good parent leads
by example.  when planting those seeds,
know your words are diluted
if not deeply rooted;
what's said must be backed up by deeds.
"
"backseat driver, stop torturing me
with annoying advice.  can't you see
i'm performing a task
on my own?  did i ask
for your input?  this zone is nag-free.
"
"i will implement policies fast
'cause we need a clean break from the past.
what has been status quo,
for eight years, now must go.
with my blueprint, the future's recast.
"
"the wicked one works through bad seeds,
which are placed among good.  they're like weeds,
but when harvest arrives
and they learn who survives,
they'll regret that they did evil deeds.
"
"has a life filled with worry and stress
made a basket case out of you?  yes.
can't you see you're unstable?
a shrink may be able
to help you and make you stress less.
"
"the onslaught of issues is draining.
he's baptized by fire ? the training
is scant for this guy;
he gets by on the fly.
we just hope there's some wisdom he's gaining.
"
"son, the anti-establishment gist?
power structures and mores are dissed.
cut your grandpa some slack.
he grew up a while back
in the sixties when many were pissed.
"
"every night down at one of the pubs,
jake is putting his dukes up.  he drubs
all the card-cutting fools
who don't play by his rules.
you see, jake always shows deuce of clubs.
"
"sherman knew from an age that was early
he wanted to change into shirley.
he remarked, ""god has faltered.""
anatomy altered,
he now has a figure that's girly.
"
"what a waste!  i pursued and i caught
becky sue, but she's not what i thought.
barking up the wrong tree
got her married to me ?
my mistake.  a divorce is now sought.
"
"who we'll meet in this life, we don't know.
so speak kindly to friend and to foe.
the more bridges we burn,
the less grace in return;
paths destroyed leave you nowhere to go.
"
"i tried out for american idol.
i just knew i could land me the title.
simon spoke, spelling doom:
""you're aware, i presume,
that to sing well is utterly vital.""
"
"laughter's good for my soul; it enriches
my life.  there are times, though, a hitch is
thrown in ? i exert
too much force, and i hurt.
when i'm busting a gut, i'm in stitches.
"
"""you look nice, almost unrecognizable.""
""i envy your chest; mine's so sizable.""
if no tact is your tack ?
making cracks with some back-
handed compliments ? hushing's advisable.
"
"bull moosers were teddy supporters
who resented the delegate hoarders
who made taft nominee
of a split gop,
giving wilson some new living quarters.
"
"""i have dactylospasm,"" said gramps,
""spasmodic and vascular cramps
in my fingers.  the fact
that these digits contract
makes it difficult turning on lamps.""
"
"we agreed to have fonzie on drums.
now we find out he's clumsy, but mum's
the word.  play it cool,
because only a fool
would be telling the fonz he's all thumbs.
"
"it's business as usual ? we send
to d.c. folks who promise to end
the corruption.  they face,
though, a system in place
that consumes them, then furthers the trend.
"
"i met up with a woman to dine ?
a blind date.  she was looking so fine.
i said to this real
bobby dazzler, ""i feel
you and i...""  she jumped in, ""i decline.""
"
"we deserved what we got on that day
in september, ward churchill would say.
he's published in press
that attacks the u.s.,
and his students, some say, were his prey.
"
"last night, we'd a row.  come the dawn,
my possessions, i noticed, were gone
from the house.  seems my wife
wants me out of her life
bag and baggage.  my stuff's on the lawn.
"
"to obama, we feel a connection.
we give him our love and affection.
every wrong he'll make right.
all the world will unite.
it's akin to the lord's resurrection.
"
"a microwave oven is not
what you need if you want to stay hot.
much too quickly you're done
with your ""day in the sun.""
try the steadier, slower crock-pot.
"
"warned a farmer without a right arm,
""get too close, you're inviting great harm.
over yonder, a guy,
not as careful as i,
met a wood-chipping fate ? bought the farm.""
"
"traffic barrels determine our fate
for as long as they cause us to wait.
appropriately,
people ceasing to be
at that time will be known as ""the late....""
"
"off to dublin i go for good cheer
(abbey tavern).  a film crew came here,
and some singers hit big
with an old irish jig;
they appeared in an ad for some beer.
"
"how does biden, the patriot, feel?
""kate, it's time to be part of the deal...
help america out
of the rut.""  he's about
redistributing income with zeal.
"
"he was deputy secretary of state
under bush ? richard armitage.  wait!
that's who outed ms. plame.
most have not heard his name,
'cause it's rove the press told us to hate.
"
"a trainman, asleep at the switch,
had been reading.  that son of a bitch
failed at switching the tracks.
his attention was lax,
costing lives with two trains in a ditch.
"
"my horse suffered ligament strain.
there's a curb on his hock. he's in pain.
inflamed is this swelling.
he's lame. there's no telling
if movement's a thing he'll regain.
"
"your ad hominem mode of attacking
is proof that your argument's lacking.
as one of the types
who make personal swipes,
it seems you've no factual backing.
"
"""our sales with this product will grow.
market research confirms that it's so.""
we prepared for a slew,
but got only a few.
all dressed up, we had nowhere to go.
"
"i worked for a boss who was pushy,
so i looked for a job that was cushy.
my new boss, understanding,
is far from demanding.
i netsurf all day on my tushy.
"
"for fun and good causes they play.
they're just dabblers with jobs in the day.
now beats workin' has lost
tony snow.  what's the cost?
he'll be missed more than music can say.
"
"i depravedly went through my days ?
hookers, gambling, and booze ? in a haze.
a degenerate soul,
i had lost all control.
then the lord helped me straighten my ways.
"
"devil's advocates challenge and make
a case counter for argument's sake.
it's a way to find flaws
while supporting a cause.
don't believe the positions they take.
"
"""we sold out of the item you saw
in our ad.""  they attempted to draw
me to goods higher priced,
but i wasn't enticed:
""bait and switch, sir?  you're breaking the law.""
"
"""choo choo train,"" ""neon rainbow,"" ""i met her
in church"" ? all top 40.  some better-
known songs you and i like:
the box tops hits ""cry like
a baby,"" ""soul deep,"" and ""the letter.""
"
"4 a.m. ? she awakes.  it's absurd.
she's still full on the holiday bird.
but black friday has deals
at the stores, which appeals
to my wife and the rest of the herd.
"
"the boss's approval i seek,
so i brown-nose each day of the week.
even weekends, i ask,
""could i help with a task?""
""no.  stop fawning,"" his brilliant critique.
"
"when they talk about b.m.o.c.,
or the big man on campus, that's me ?
the most popular guy
at george washington high
since i scored last night's winning td.
"
"are you feeling boxed in and you yearn
to be free, but have nowhere to turn?
here's a path unexplored:
put your faith in the lord;
he'll dispose of your weighty concern.
"
"with a single event as the trigger,
chain reactions get bigger and bigger,
like the love and devotion
that girl set in motion,
and now she's my wife.  (i sure dig her!)
"
"equal treatment you're not gonna find
with some judges; their justice ain't blind.
though they pose with an air
that they're neutral and fair,
hidden prejudice lurks in the mind.
"
"when the bakery countergirl said,
""thirteen bagels you get.  you want spread?""
i explained, ""they're delicious,
but i'm superstitious,
so give me a dozen instead.""
"
"""can i see you again?"" i asked beth
at date's end.  she said, ""don't hold your breath.
truth be told, you're a loser,
an absolute snoozer,
a deadass who bores me to death.""
"
"it's difficult walking away
from my job as a desk jockey.  hey,
not a moment is dull ?
ringing phone, in-box full,
and i'm on the computer all day.
"
"""i want you to push.  that's your mission;
bear down,"" said my wife's obstetrician.
""now relax perineum,
and soon i will see him.""
for that final contraction she's wishin'.
"
"if your right lung collapses, you'll free
up some space.  (this has happened to me.)
since my heart had a mission
for dextroposition,
i find now i vote gop.
"
"when i joke, i do deadpan; i hide
my expressions, but people deride
my blank face and dry tone.
they just leave me alone.
as i laugh, so i cry ? both inside.
"
"asked an out-of-town visitor, hoyt,
""where's the night life?""  i told him, ""detroit
is a relative deadsville,
'cause not many heads fill
downtown; there's not much to exploit.""
"
"celebrification ? ""great pecs!
his physique has me thinking of sex.""
calm down, fourth estate.
though he's cool and looks great,
drooling's something the public rejects.
"
"i live in a state institution
in a death house.  i face retribution
for killing a guy.
the judge said, ""an eye
for an eye.""  i await execution.
"
"technological changes?  i find
that i'm lagging.  i pay little mind
to the trends; i'm off-track
with the skills that i lack.
on life's road there's a curve i'm behind.
"
"my vigorous exercise plan
called for warm-ups, but that's when i ran
out of steam ? too much onus,
so gradual slowness,
or cool-down, is what i began.
"
"out of nowhere, a bear approached.  fear
overtook me.  i froze like a deer
in the headlights, since shock
made my muscles all lock.
he was full, else i wouldn't be here.
"
"john f. kennedy told us, ""ask not
what your country can do, dot, dot, dot.""
now that notion's reversed.
a big government thirst
has some ask, ""how'd we get to this spot?""
"
"daily calls to confer are a way
that participants know not to stray.
they, with talking points clear
and consistent, cohere
with the liberal line of the day.
"
"otto bendheim served well during war
in the usa's medical corps.
but his main contribution ?
a psych institution ?
is what we'll remember him for.
"
"my sunday school teacher assured
all the class that we're cleansed and depured
with our faith in the lord,
and we'll get our reward
up in heaven, our sin disease cured.
"
"a man from new zealand asked, ""why
do you say you're just ducky?""  said i,
""'cause i'm fine, doing well.
what do you say, pray tell?""
""box of fluffy ducks,"" came his reply.
"
"they reject the republican brand ?
blighted cities who dare not demand
any change.  so they rot,
and, accepting their lot,
natives bury their heads in the sand.
"
"""i'm bowled over,"" i said of her quest
to shed 70 pounds.  ""i'm impressed!
it would sure be a wonder
were i ever under
200!  too much i ingest.""
"
"said a pastor, a clericals wearer,
""we clericals couldn't be barer.
did the shipment come in?""
sighed the clerk with chagrin,
""no.  i made a dumb clerical error.""
"
"what is hate of the utmost severity?
the third reich's where you'll find brutal clarity.
executions en masse
using poisonous gas
show the depths of inhuman barbarity.
"
"""you want tissue removed from my brain
to examine?""  ""please, let me explain,""
said the shrink, ""my apology.
through biopsychology,
not biopsy, insight i'll gain.""
"
"from the rooms i could hear all the moans.
""just the basics,"" i told madam jones.
""i don't want any frills.""
so she offered the skills
of the newbie, stripped down to bare bones.
"
"my defense for that murderous crime
was diminished capacity.  i'm
only serving two years,
'cause a jury of peers
bought the claim i was nuts at the time.
"
"""nothing happens by accident, kevin.
your time hadn't come to see heaven.""
but in mishaps some die,
and i have to ask, ""why
is it my roll came up lucky seven?""
"
"low attendance has plagued the state fair;
it's in trouble.  the people who care ?
crowds who go every year ?
have dropped off, and i fear
that next year it will cease to be there.
"
"the transitive verbs, which we view
when we read, are the actions we do.
direct objects, which show
where the actions will go,
are the nouns that will often ensue.
"
"""here's proof,"" said a smooth politician.
""the data confirms my position.""
his cherry-picked portion
creates a distortion ?
the truth hid by sins of omission.
"
"he's an honest, upstanding, young guy.
all his customers rate him ace-high ?
unsurpassed, in their view.
his competitors stew
as their businesses fold by and by.
"
"i'm known for my gross impropriety;
i flout all the norms of society.
they say that i've bats
in the belfry, and that's
taking into account my sobriety.
"
"""let's beat swords into plowshares.  no more
will our nations be training for war.""
now we've unforeseen woes,
'cause we're plowing for those
who signed peace pacts they chose to ignore.
"
"bottom fishing for stocks, i will seek
out the companies looking quite bleak
in the short term; i go
with the share prices low.
then i reap when they're reaching their peak.
"
"welton young, with the stage name of dean,
sang with brenda lee jones  (who was jean).
with two songs, they would crack
the top 40.  alack,
with the rest they weren't making the scene.
"
"""this barn burner's really high-scoring!""
my friend said.  ""you're nuts for ignoring.
so close ? both teams fighting
to win ? it's exciting!""
no fan of the sport, i said, ""boring.""
"
"democracy often is spurned
by some activist judges, concerned
we're a nation of fools
where majority rules.
thus, our will is, at will, overturned.
"
"our abilities help us succeed,
but we're ruled by a communist creed;
the more money we make,
the more money they take
and distribute according to need.
"
"life at our house is far from serene,
'cause my kids make a riotous scene.
every day, i try curbing
these uproars disturbing,
but bedlam's the normal routine.
"
"though specifics i want you to say,
you approach in a roundabout way.
there's a bush that you're beating
about.  patience fleeting,
i give up on your answer today.
"
"they've had 50-plus years of futility.
they're lacking in bouncebackability.
return to good form?
good at sucking's the norm
on the football field.  oh, the humility!
"
"the patient od'd ? crystal meth
made his heart stop; he drew his last breath.
at the clinic, the doc
turned and looked at the clock.
""0100,"" she said, ""time of death.""
"
"dernly derning a sock with a hole,
i, in solitude, lost all control.
with a feeling of dread,
to a church i then fled.
said a priest, ""god can mend your poor soul.""
"
"though i know bells and whistles are nice,
the essentials will have to suffice.
extra features, which add
to the worth, make me sad,
'cause my budget won't jibe with the price.
"
"""i'd like to put brains on display
with you guys, but my boobs have a way
to distract, interfere
with my mind; that's up here.""
""oh, i'm sorry.  uh, what did you say?""
"
"what i told you ? i couldn't be clearer.
but you twist what i say; you're a hearer
of only a portion,
creating distortion.
your prism of truth?  fun house mirror.
"
"i'm a passionate congress exalter.
all their spending ? they simply can't falter.
i defer to these guys
with respect, 'cause they're wise.
yes, i bow at big government's altar.
"
"the horrible things that you said to me,
not to mention the lies that you fed to me,
make me hate you so much.
the intensity's such
that i shun you completely; you're dead to me.
"
"between us is widening space,
not the kind that you'd find in a race,
but aloofness, a distance.
i sense a resistance
to love; you no longer give chase.
"
"there are vitamins (minerals too)
in banana bags, named for the hue
of the fluid within,
which gets under one's skin
to the veins as it's draining on through.
"
"watching cbs news ? in the day it was
tops in the ratings ? folks say it was
cronkite, the man
who was anchor (not dan),
whom they trusted the most.  that's the way it was.
"
"public health care obama extols.
we're opposed to the president's goals.
as dissenters, we voice,
""he'll eliminate choice!""
if he does, he'll feel pain at the polls.
"
"a rock and a hard place i faced.
both these options were met with distaste.
i was voting between
a progressive (obscene)
and a socialist (bodily waste).
"
"it's the best thing, they say, since sliced bread
when inventors, while looking ahead,
introduce something new,
which the public will view
as essential and hasten its spread.
"
"i'm superior, simply the best,
the bee's knees, high above all the rest.
if you don't believe me,
ask my fans; they'll agree
(at least those i paid off to attest).
"
"with an appetite simply voracious,
i scarfed gourds, or foods cucurbitaceous ?
pumpkins, melons, squash, cukes.
then my wife cried, ""gadzooks!
guess the room in your stomach's less spacious!""
"
"the other team scored with facility
by sensing our vulnerability.
the blood that they smelled
in the water propelled
them to victory; us, to humility.
"
"i remember his illinois days
when obama supported us gays
and he said he would fight
for our marital right.
with retreat, i now feel he betrays.
"
"i don't know all the details.  it's clear,
though, the cops acted stupidly.  here,
let's sit down, bridge the gap.
malt and barley's on tap.
cooler heads will prevail with a beer.
"
"as soon as pigs fly i'll adapt
to a liberal agenda uncapped.
i'll adjust to that smell
on a cold day in hell.
(frickin' dems are in power ? i'm trapped!)
"
"committed, the nation's in sync
with our president's will.  we all drink
from the kool-aid he's selling.
we find him compelling.
state-run media's great!  don't you think?
"
"pork sausage and ham, thinly sliced,
onions, taters, and barley ? enticed?
it's called coddle.  no troublin'
the cooks up in dublin;
they'll serve up this dish lightly spiced.
"
"have you heard what that moron janeane
garofalo said?  it's obscene:
""it's a racial attack
'gainst our prez, who is black.""
no.  we want to keep more of our green.
"
"the factions expressed bellicosity
and started to fight with ferocity.
they say bitter ill will
gave them reason to kill.
where's it rooted?  ingrained animosity.
"
"candy striper nicole has a way
with those volunteer tasks, i must say.
she brings books, which she reads,
and brings meals, which she feeds.
i'm enjoying my hospital stay.
"
"let's relax over cocktails.  invite
the new neighbors to join us tonight.
we can then break the ice
with some cards or some dice.
that's a way to end shyness outright.
"
"big in railroads was chauncey depew,
and a town out near buffalo grew
when renamed for this man,
who'd serve later a span
of two terms as a senator too.
"
"obama has hired ge,
which happens to own nbc.
are its journalists critical?
no.  analytical?
no.  in the tank?  yesirree!
"
"there's a bee in your bonnet; your head
has a notion it can't put to bed.
your obsession annoys.
honey, no one enjoys
that you drone on and on.  enough said!
"
"with hands folded in prayer, her emotion,
expressed with the utmost devotion
to jesus, makes doubtful
that one so devoutful
would stray from a god-centered notion.
"
"you're my concubine, darling.  don't grouse.
though your status is low in this house
and our children aren't heirs,
in our carnal affairs
you come first.  go downstairs; ask my spouse.
"
"my shrink said, ""you will persevere.
take your worry, annoyance, and fear
that persist, and don't punt;
these you need to confront.
you'll see bugaboos soon disappear.""
"
"""it's deficit neutral, that bill.
it will pay for itself ? yes, it will ?
over time, so relax.
any increase in tax
will be offset.""  (the odds of that?  nil.)
"
"her jalopy was gathering rust;
you could say she was also, and just
as her car ran its last,
the old woman had passed.
her road ended; she'd bitten the dust.
"
"arlen specter, his fate looking gloomy,
said, ""the gop's getting less roomy.
re-election i'll seek
as a dem.""  it looks bleak
'cause the polls have him trailing pat toomey.
"
"he got baked on the ganja he tried.
more intense, though, he wanted the ride,
so he mixed lsd
with long island iced tea.
sad to say, the guy's brain is now fried.
"
"a young monk, gabby lou, won't employ
meditation; this tends to annoy.
the head monk dressed him down.
contrite lou, with a frown,
cried, ""hey, abbot, i've been a bad boy!""
"
"it's no bed of roses, my life.
i encounter much trouble and strife.
when i see your position
and wealth acquisition,
my jealousy cuts like a knife.
"
"market downturns will sometimes derail
certain businesses.  wanna prevail?
obama says size
will prevent your demise.
get too big?  then you don't have to fail.
"
"asked a question he doesn't much like,
mr. gore never says, ""take a hike.""
it's convenient indeed,
when the truth you don't need,
if the sound engineer cuts the mike.
"
"out in monterey, jack's a big cheese,
the head honcho of all vips.
he's the cream at the top,
the big wheel.  shall i stop
with this metaphor string?  just say please.
"
"""back when i was a teen, i would swoon,""
gramma said, ""when bing crosby would croon.
and your mom was, in fact,
made while doing the act""
(tmi!) ""to that voice so devoon.""
"
"on the highest of points it can find,
sits the catbird, a song on its mind.
this thrush has a skill ?
it can mimic at will.
cats meow, and it answers in kind.
"
"the oil from east indian trees
called chaulmoogras once treated disease
of the skin.  it's still used
if one's sprained or is bruised
or has sores, so discomfort will ease.
"
"dactylology's used by the deaf.
(finger spelling, that's d-e-a-f.)
by the way, if the mood
strikes for great finger food,
go to rollie's ? thumbs up to their chef.
"
"every day, we get more and more distance
from bush, but you still have resistance.
paranoia has spread
from the time that he led;
you're opposed to his very existence.
"
"business downturns describe a recession.
lasting three years or more?  that's depression:
unemployment is high;
trade and commerce run dry;
of one's assets, there's loss of possession.
"
"said my principal, looking askance
at a public school prom, ""rock implants
in us seeds of rebellion.
you'll turn out a hellion.
suspension awaits if you dance.""
"
"i'm behind the times; some say i'm square
and old-fashioned.  i really don't care.
i'm content as i go
through life not in the know
of what's currently happ'ning out there.
"
"remember that money i lent?
well, i haven't yet seen one red cent.
seems you always evade
every debt to be paid.
you're a deadbeat.  our friendship is spent.
"
"my sheep's summer fleeces are skimpy.
in autumn, their curls make them crimpy.
on a cold, stormy day,
in a barn my sheep stay;
when the weather is crimpy, they're wimpy.
"
"superstition abounds, it is said,
if you're native american bred.
take the richardson's owl
(or the tengmalm's) ? the howl
of this deathbird foretells someone dead.
"
"a man planned to marry my daughter.
he showed her the ring that he'd brought her.
she checked the inscription
and had a conniption.
his ex made them dead in the water.
"
"in only our chief's second day,
he says, ""close down guantanamo bay.
operations?  suspend them.""
but where will we send them ?
the prisoners?  obama can't say.
"
"said the girl i was dating (now ex),
""i want more, and you're not that complex.
you've not left adolescence.
reduced to your essence,
all you really boil down to is sex.""
"
"when competing out there on the links,
my dang nerves overtake me; it stinks!
it's this specter i dread;
i can't put it to bed.
it's a nightmare, this bogeyman jinx.
"
"kurt cobain was a singer of grunge,
who had personal demons.  he'd plunge
into darkness a lot.
then one day with a shot
to the head, his short life he'd expunge.
"
"on amusement park rides i will go ?
not the ones that are sucky, oh no;
they blow chunks.  i'm more merry
on rides that are scary
in spite of the chunks that i blow.
"
"if you know that an organization's
unlawful, report violations.
blow the whistle ? reveal
what they try to conceal.
this may lead to extended vacations.
"
"""the boogerman's under my cot!""
screamed my kid.  ""why's he picking that spot?!""
""son, i know that you feel
that this monster is real.
daddy knows,"" i assured him, ""it's not.""
"
"blood is thicker than water, they say,
meaning family connections outweigh
and are stronger than those
of outsiders.  it shows
in that relative bond ? dna.
"
"""christ almighty!"" he'd shout, not to pray
to the lord in a reverent way;
with this expletive, dad
made it clear he was mad.
we all knew things were far from okay.
"
"my thoughts and my feelings i keep
in a blog.  people say i'm not deep
in my brain dumps; i tend to,
by being a friend to
insomniacs, put them to sleep.
"
"says obama, our ""wise"" standard-bearer,
""contingency's in; out with terror.
unexpected events
might arise from some gents.""
god, i'm praying this guy's a preparer.
"
"rising oil prices, gas lines, malaise,
and stagflation deserve not my praise,
but contempt.  at the top
making carter a flop
are those 444 days.
"
"""that's child abuse,"" joy said.  let's call
social services; sheri has gall ?
not for using the rod,
but for teaching that god
is supreme, the creator of all.
"
"aces wired, i reckoned, ""i rule!""
serenely assured, i was cool
as a christian.  no doubt
in my mind i'd win out,
but i lost.  now i feel like a fool.
"
"bite off more than you're able to chew,
and high levels of stress may ensue.
making too many plans
spreads you thin with demands ?
wastes your time and your energy too.
"
"he'd like israel wiped from the face
of the map; it's a ""stain of disgrace.""
and iranian prez
ahmadinejad says
that the holocaust didn't take place.
"
"obama, pelosi, and reid
will be breaking the bank, guaranteed.
their concern for our health
means depletion of wealth,
so much so that our grandkids will bleed.
"
"a bikini store mannequin said,
""i'm embarrassed 'cause business is dead.
drastic price drops ? we got 'em.
what's more, since the bottom
fell out, my face blushes bright red.""
"
"i'll quit smoking today ? i'm emphatic!
my spouse said, ""you must be pragmatic.
ditch those cigs that you store
in our house's top floor.
until then, it's a nicotine attic.""
"
"my attention was lacking in school.
now i'm focused.  kids call me a tool,
'cause the a's that i make
come from dexies i take,
and they know that i'm really a fool.
"
"be quiet!  shut up!  bag your face!
take your lame ass away from this place!
you butt in, and i'm like,
""what's your deal?""  take a hike!
listen hoser, get off of my case!
"
"a sly pol with an image to fix
has a bag filled with low, dirty tricks.
will behavior malicious,
dishonest, and vicious
be something the voters deep-six?
"
"the devil's mark, branded on skin,
is a sign she has satan within.
strip her down.  shave her hair.
there's a blemish right there.
need more proof?  prick that witch with a pin.
"
"for blood money, judas betrayed
jesus christ, but the coins he got paid
he would end up returning.
he hanged himself, learning
the treasonous part that he played.
"
"from the heavens, the hand of god came.
then his voice boomed, ""is evil your game?
take a look at my thumb.
i'm detruding some scum
down to hell.  will your fate be the same?""
"
"dirty rice is a dish that i eat:
chicken liver or sausage or meat,
onions, peppers, and chopped
or ground giblets.  i opt
to fill up on this spiced cajun treat.
"
"i was thinking my finances fine
till my broker jumped in: ""bottom line?
what's the gist?  what's the crux?
your net income?  it sucks.
i'd hold off on your plan to resign.""
"
"that magician you're dating's a joke.
don't you think that it's time you awoke?
his act, disappearing
a lot, has you hearing
deception; he always blows smoke.
"
"his body's symbolically bread,
and the wine stands for blood that he shed.
this communion is where
fellow churchgoers share
his true spirit, on which we are fed.
"
"over time, i kept putting on weight.
now the size of my body is great,
and i cumbrously go
through my days ? i move slow,
motion's hard.  was it something i ate?
"
"two people we didn't invite
crashed our party as high as a kite.
i thought, ""best we should keep
them alive.  let them sleep
off their stupor.""  they crashed for the night.
"
"a disaster occurred up in boston
(a street flood), which ended up costin'
some lives ? co2
had built up, a tank blew,
and molasses some people got lost in.
"
"he was dubbed ""singing cowboy,"" this man
named gene autry who'd many a fan.
he'd a voice that was keen,
and each time on the screen
he'd be back in the saddle again.
"
"""our shared interests will not reappear,
nor beliefs,"" said my wife with a tear
in her eye.  ""common ground
can no longer be found.""
""yes, the feeling is mutual, dear.""
"
"big tobacco would fund the crusade,
we were told, but the money they paid
mostly went not to health,
but instead ""spread the wealth"" ?
smoke and mirrors ? 'twas all a charade.
"
"with their pre-9/11 mentality,
terror's treated as mere criminality.
says the prez's ag,
""in the courts they should be,
but their trials are just a formality.""
"
"you need to calm down and be quiet.
making chill pills a part of your diet
will soothe agitation,
induce relaxation,
and lower your blood pressure; try it.
"
"a bigmouth devoid of discretion
not only revealed in confession,
but she blabbed in the pews.
now we all know the news:
father vic is her carnal obsession.
"
"for years i've known lucifer; though
he is far from ideal, he's my beau.
unknown damien tried,
but a date i denied
because better the devil you know.
"
"his campaign's mass appeal had me wowed,
and i wanted to follow the crowd.
i decided to jump
on the bandwagon.  ""chump""
i'm now calling myself; i'm not proud.
"
"""hey, unhand me!"" exclaimed a poor sap.
""you've confused me with some other chap.
so stop giving me grief.
i'm no butt blanket thief.
i'm not guilty; this here's a bum rap.""
"
"i can sense that barack wants to hush
truth detector (talk radio's rush)
and his ilk, who spot lies
all dressed up in disguise.
but ol' limbaugh refuses to shush.
"
"they predicted we'd likely not meet
expectations.  the wall street elite
thought our firm would report
that our earnings fell short,
but we ended up beating the street.
"
"teachers not letting schoolchildren fail,
judges giving light terms served in jail ?
when they coddle (protect
with great care), they expect
that good conduct will always prevail.
"
"on audacity, daring and bold,
and his confident air, we were sold.
in the path he's now leading
us down, there's no heeding
restraint ? we face wreckage untold.
"
"in that crime novel, joey's a laddie,
a naif who looks up to his daddy,
a con.  as he ages
(each turn of the pages),
he morphs from a saint to a baddie.
"
"her memory for detail's a curse.
now my marriage can't get any worse.
she'll precisely recall
not one screw-up, but all.
then she'll quote for me chapter and verse.
"
"those beatings and shootings?  unjust!
i condemn them as anyone must.
but i'll make myself clear
that i won't interfere.
take a stand?  yes, by showing disgust.
"
"""all these beautiful women enthrall,
but a favorite i'll choose above all,""
said the prince.  ""take my arm,
cinderella.  your charm
is the reason you're belle of the ball.""
"
"mac davis wrote songs for the king.
we would later find out he could sing.
i recall long ago
his variety show ?
he'd compose on the spot, adding zing.
"
"product pushers will often employ
certain tricks: i sought perfume and, oy,
the ninth beethoven played.
the last movement i made
was to purchase the scent eau de joy.
"
"shirt-tail out, sleeves unbuttoned ? that's rude.
dishabille, i'm afraid, will preclude
you from staying.  the rest
are quite properly dressed
for their nudist camp visit ? they're nude.
"
"my aboulia shows the relation
of trauma to lost motivation.
a blow to my skull
made some nerve tracts go dull,
which then handicapped life's navigation.
"
"when consumers have confidence high,
then the likelihood's good that they'll buy.
but our current condition,
with jobs in remission,
makes doubtful recovery's nigh.
"
"he can win 'cause his skin tone is light.
negro dialect?  nowhere in sight.
though obama, says reid,
will sound black when the need
should arise, it sure helps to sound white.
"
"in my broker, i put all my trust.
""certain stocks,"" he informed, ""are a must.
bank on me.  it's my oath
you'll see guaranteed growth.""
i then watched as my fortune went bust.
"
"with threats and coercion at play,
he compelled me to see things his way.
he's the arm-twisting kind ?
quite persuasive, i find.
(he'll keep secret the fact that i'm gay.)
"
"can't you see that i'm trying to work?
shut your piehole!  you drive me berserk!
your continuous yammer
will get me the slammer,
for canning it for you, you jerk!
"
"argumentative passion we felt.
all the tension, however, would melt
after clearing the air.
then some laughter we'd share
when we heard the loud fart that i dealt.
"
"change blindness occurs when our eyes
are in movement.  we don't realize
there is change taking place
right in front of our face.
we're a socialist nation?  surprise!
"
"your small nest egg (a bird in the hand)
is worth two in the bush.  understand?
hold on to what's real.
i know risk has appeal;
greed may lead, though, to losses unplanned.
"
"i encountered much trouble and strife.
it was no bed of roses, my life.
now it's highly agreeable
'cause the foreseeable
future has you as my wife.
"
"""better safe (don't take chances; beware;
caution's side is the place you should err)
than sorry"" some heed,
and they fail to succeed.
where'd we be were we never to dare?
"
"let's gain some good will; let's appease.
agitation and anger will ease.
we shall not take a stand
with a line in the sand.
the concessions we'll grant aim to please.
"
"diplomatic, i'm always polite.
i use tact.  i don't argue or fight.
my sensitive dealings
steer clear of hard feelings.
shared goals i keep firmly in sight.
"
"uber left are the folks at nobel.
peace and love they are trying to sell.
through means diplomatic
(with talks), they're emphatic
that evil we'll magically quell.
"
"that actor pretended to twitch
with false claim he got hit by a pitch
and, with pain on his face,
got awarded first base.
he's on our team, so nobody snitch.
"
"daryl dragon &amp; toni tennille ?
he, the captain, and she had appeal.
seven songs made their way
to top ten in their day;
""muskrat love"" was the worst, many feel.
"
"in the book all the president's men,
we meet deep throat, a man with a yen
to stay safely concealed
while misdeeds he revealed.
this led some to do time in the pen.
"
"this world hasn't known such behavior
so selfless as, lord, when you gave your
own life for our sins.
our salvation begins
when we recognize you as our savior.
"
"big brother's ubiquitous eyes
see us all through surveillance; its guise ?
to nab crooks.  but the cost
is our privacy's lost
with our freedom; we watch their demise.
"
"silver spoon in my mouth ? people scorn
that utensil with which i was born.
all my privilege began
in a well-to-do clan,
and to some, in their side that's a thorn.
"
"the cowsills, six sibs and their mother,
sang of rain, and the park, and of other
things (hair and a lake),
but they made a mistake
with their family portrayed by another.
"
"""you're unfaithful!"" she screamed. ""so we're through!""
i explained, ""this dead ringer, so true
was her likeness, i swore
when i kissed her she bore
an uncanny resemblance to you.""
"
"the dijudicant (a.k.a. judge)
said, ""your mackinac crime's just a smudge,
so community service.""
but that makes me nervous ?
he says i'll assist packing fudge.
"
"said my wife, ""put away childish toys.
when you act immature, it annoys.""
but her bitching's no use.
i've a built-in excuse:
""it's a guy thing, dear.  boys will be boys.""
"
"jackie deshannon would sing
about love in your heart ? that's the thing
that we need.  and two ladies
from the sixties and eighties
scored hits with the songs she would bring.
"
"the underclass stuck in the slums
are beholden to washington bums
who keep handing out scraps.
this behavior entraps
and perpetuates living off crumbs.
"
"obama, you won.  your time's brief
as our prez, but we get no relief;
you continue to run ?
2012 has begun.
you're a tireless campaigner-in-chief.
"
"with this organized protest, we vent
about how all our money is spent.
but the media scoff.
we've no right to sound off?
only certain groups get to dissent?
"
"the hand that bill hickok had held
became legend when jack mccall yelled,
""take that!"" ? shot him dead
in the back of the head.
before others could fold, bill was felled.
"
"bruce willis, the actor who starred
in a series of films i regard,
will save next, with his guns,
senior-citizen nuns.
working title: old habits die hard.
"
"what to do?  i'm in kind of a bind,
and the eight ball is what i'm behind.
it's a bad situation ?
i'll miss graduation
for blowing off classwork assigned.
"
"thinking wmds were a fact,
bush rode in to preemptively act;
but his warnings of terror
and threats were in error.
his leadership's rightly attacked.
"
"while you claim to be moral and just,
global allies retreat in disgust.
preemptively striking
is not to their liking;
at home, it's a similar bust.
"
"said the doctor, ""i won't sugarcoat.
excess mucus will enter your throat,
then unable to swallow,
some gurgling will follow.
that death rattle spells 'all she wrote.'""
"
"""ac/dc?"" he asked of his date.
""heavy metal,"" she said.  ""yeah, they're great!""
when she learned what he'd meant
was her sexual bent,
she said, ""no.  take me home 'cause i'm straight.""
"
"on her presence, i'd come to depend.
in depression, i now mourn a friend.
how i wish, with this gloom
taking up all the room
in my head, that my own life would end.
"
"canadian troops, being tardy,
made it clear that support wasn't hearty
for field operations
with nato-led nations.
come-latelies, they joined in the party.
"
"freddy cannon, dubbed ""boom boom,"" can boast
of exposure on bandstand the most.
the rock 'n' roll thumping
of drums had kids jumping
up out of their seats coast to coast.
"
"""read this compend i bought in the store.""
""no, a shortcut i really abhor.
i possess in my home
the original tome.
i find digests are terse and a bore.""
"
"if life knocks you down, don't skedaddle.
get tough when you're facing that battle.
when you're put to the test,
don't back down; do your best.
cowboy up, and get back in the saddle.
"
"my rabbinical mentor said, ""what it
demands is dexterity.""  but it
turned out that the blood
made me faint.  (i went thud.)
as a mohel, i couldn't quite cut it.
"
"the chattering classes opine,
often toeing the left-leaning line.
they've articulate views
about what's in the news.
if the right gets its way, hear 'em whine.
"
"she cried wolf once too often; she conned
all the people who came to respond.
thus, when real help was needed,
her calls went unheeded.
then god came to call from beyond.
"
"a confessional priest, i would care
way too much.  now compassion's not there,
'cause fatigue has set in;
my concern has worn thin,
and i haven't the heart left to spare.
"
"asked a gay, ""see that guy?  he looks great!""
said his like-minded friend, ""no debate!
yes, indeed!  i agree!
you got that right.  i see,
though, he's kissing a woman.  damn!  straight!""
"
"""i go through the motions,"" said doug,
""at my day job, but motion's my drug
when, at nightclubs, i dance.
patrons gaze in a trance.
i'm a master at cutting a rug.""
"
"my jokes will outlive this mere mortal.
don't cry when i pass through death's portal.
when remembering me,
snort and chuckle with glee.
what an honor if people would chortle!
"
"curvy waitresses, scantily clad,
serve up bar food, which isn't half bad.
at these breastaurants, guys
get a treat for the eyes.
ogling never grows old; ask your dad.
"
"the price of my fame?  i'm a bird
in a gilded cage.  safe from the herd,
i'm confined where i dwell;
this huge mansion's my cell.
i'll be free when i'm dead and interred.
"
"1910: will we earthlings en masse
become bathed in cyanogen gas
of the comet tail (halley)?
will it be our finale?
will we all pass away as we pass?
"
"diabolical ? that's what i'm called.
extreme evil ensures i'll be hauled
off to hell when i die.
i'm so wicked a guy
that i even have satan appalled.
"
"i let spread that i spotted the vicar
at a trade show.  the congregants snicker.
i was thinking ""affairs""
when he bargained for wares
and he told several sellers, ""let's dicker.""
"
"we got snookered before with that damn
bill of goods that you sold, uncle sam!
you've eroded our trust!
what you promise is just
a complete load of crap!  what a sham!
"
"i live in the same exact way ?
the same things, the same time ? every day.
i'm a creature of habit.
don't change me, dagnabbit!
i'm set in my ways; here i'll stay.
"
"obama and congress are thievin'
as buckets of cash they're receivin'.
we'll be livin' in times
of just quarters and dimes
pretty soon ? that's the change they be leavin'.
"
"""society's ills never pass,""
says our priest, who's a pain in the ass.
his sunday assault
is to always find fault.
we all call it his critical mass.
"
"said the rep up on capitol hill,
""the thousand-plus page healthcare bill
is reform that we need,
but it's too big to read,
because reading it makes me quite ill.""
"
"in high school, the gossip is rife.
rarely truthful, it cuts like a knife ?
kids putting a stain
on their peers, causing pain.
and it never will end; such is life.
"
"of this problem, you say, ""there's none worse!""
and the ominous darkness you curse.
light a candle ? stop crying,
do something.  by trying
to fix it, your woes may reverse.
"
"i was made to look back-in-the-day.
now i'm worried what people will say.
with that ""photoshop"" deal,
fans will know it's not real
with my wrinkles all airbrushed away.
"
"""well, i'll be!  as i live and breathe!  damn!
if it ain't barbra streisand!  uh, ma'am,
you were speeding, you know,""
said a cop.  ""is that so?""
answered babs.  ""don't you know who i am?""
"
"""yonder staircase is golden.  it's time,""
said the lord, ""to walk toward it and climb.""
i hear loved ones, who cry
o'er my body, ask, ""why
did he have to pass on in his prime?""
"
"he's a menial man, yet he'll brag
of his own self-importance ? a drag
when we dated; so much
cockalorum and such
a big head on this guy made me gag.
"
"""please, an interview, ma'am?""  ""yes, i'll letcha.
i'm busy right now, but i'll catch ya
on the flip side.""  ""okay.
i can wait one more day.
see you later, ms. palin.""  ""you betcha!""
"
"in the bathroom i had to remain,
'cause i suffered abdominal pain.
thirty minutes or more
i was in there.  what for?
backdoor trots ? i was letting it drain.
"
"said poor archie, who sensed just a trace
of the point, ""can you cut to the chase?
edith, tell me the core
of your story, no more.""
but she rambled all over the place.
"
"it seems like obama's contrite
when it comes to america's might.
he said, ""like it or not,
we hold power's top spot.""
does he wish we were weaponry lite?
"
"don't bother what-iffing and cry
over milk that's been spilt; pass it by.
it's no use to complain;
it will all be in vain.
you can't fix each event gone awry.
"
"for my good-looking ex, i still yearned,
but my love for her wasn't returned.
so i made it my aim
to forget my old flame,
since i'd carried a torch and got burned.
"
"if you drink too much, don't think it odd
when you worship the porcelain god.
you'll get down on your knees
and be chewing the cheese.
says my son, ""it's routine in my quad.""
"
"marshall applewhite led heaven's gate:
""we'll await the hale-bopp; save the date.
what will trail is a craft,
which we'll board.""  he was daft
as were followers meeting their fate.
"
"my stock market venture was lame,
and no winnings, alas, could i claim.
turkey futures i tried,
but success was denied;
i could not get ahead of the game.
"
"""da capo!"" the maestro cried.  ""stop!
now then, play once again from the top.
you sound awful, like crap!
with a concert on tap,
it's a foregone conclusion we'll flop.""
"
"stifling rage was a problem of carol's.
her shrink told her, ""stop!  it imperils
your health.""  with full force,
she went home to the source
of her rage and let loose with both barrels.
"
"at the outset, he got underway
with his work, but not long did he stay.
without breaking a sweat
in the dark, he said, ""let
there be light,"" and then called it a day.
"
"build a mousetrap that's better?  you'll score
when the world beats a path to your door.
pioneering invention
will garner attention,
and people will flock to the store.
"
"one-hit wonder?  not quite.  he found fame
with the song ""mr. bass man.""  his name?
johnny cymbal.  that's it,
'cept that ""cinnamon"" hit
under derek ? they're one and the same.
"
"on the body, bacteria grow
in the presence of sweat.  you will know
by the odor that's there.
in the white house, the air
is befouled by another b.o.
"
"""america's back.  why so glum?
the recession's finale has come.
happy days have returned.
still, you look so concerned.""
""i'm concerned that you think i'm so dumb.""
"
"in the dance of the lemons, the fools
who have tenure get shuffled through schools.
and though parents complain,
the bad teachers remain,
because unions have onerous rules.
"
"how'd they miss spotting terrorist plots?
seems the info they gathered was lots.
weren't relationships seen
in the data they'd screen?
people failed at connecting the dots.
"
"such excitement we felt, such allure.
now the bloom's off the rose, that's for sure.
starry eyes are supplanted.
we're now disenchanted.
he touts a big government cure.
"
"chris matthews received lots of flak.
he ""forgot (that obama) was black.""
a color-blind nation
won't come with fixation
on skin; it holds black people back.
"
"check it out!  it's the new summer line
from the leader in fashion design.
hip and happening wear,
his collection has flair.
gee, that mannequin's sure looking fine.
"
"at christmastime, crowds are abustle
with shoppers who busily hustle.
but good cheer goes awry
with the latest must-buy
when the limited stocks cause a tussle.
"
"with full recall i wasn't equipped
when i improvised part of the script.
the director, however,
liked better my clever
ad libs for the lines that i skipped.
"
"in that tourney, my play raised my rank,
and the scrabble-tile gods are to thank.
what made my games better?
i'd fish out no letter,
which means i was drawing a blank.
"
"you want sympathy?  don't look at me
with your sob story.  how can you be
such a whiner?  i've seen
so much worse, drama queen.
if you cry me a river, i'll flee.
"
"share my civil war sexploits?  i shan't.
it's a personal thing; plus, i can't.
i went out with a lot.
the one memory i've got
is i dated ulysses s. grant.
"
"i went to a meeting of wiccans,
and satan was there.  (the plot thickens.)
i asked for a light,
and he lit up the night
with his hellfire; it hurt like the dickens.
"
"in medical journals, it's written
that a scratch by a cat or a kitten
may cause fever and chills,
not to mention more ills,
which can also arise if one's bitten.
"
"we cohabit, we hadn't a rite,
and a license is nowhere in sight.
though our parents disparage
our common law marriage,
the world knows we're spousally tight.
"
"in the spirit of christ, we're engrossed;
we partake of his body, the host.
(it's like heavenly manna.)
no second banana,
jc is the most holy ghost.
"
"fox's anchors are rocking the boat,
finding scandals and getting our goat.
don't just argue and clash.
delegitimize!  bash!
the chicago way, boys!  cut their throat!
"
"""you can dream, but be practically sound,""
said my dad.  ""keep both feet on the ground.""
though each day i must go
to a real job, i know,
with my limericks, that fame can be found.
"
"your old man was a crook, and i see
that the nut falls not far from the tree.
you exhibit the traits
of your father.  the fates
say no use should you try to break free.
"
"what's the temp of a body at ease?
most would say, ""37 degrees.""
as a yankee, i state,
""i prefer 98
.6 fahrenheit.  celsius?  please.""
"
"culture areas (i'll be succinct)
are the regions that have a distinct
uniformity.  where
people live, what they share
in their folkways ? that's how they are linked.
"
"i'm caught in a difficult spot ?
in the crosshairs.  a target i've got
on my back.  threats of violence
have spurred me to silence.
did i see what took place?  i did not.
"
"""the voters, who angrily stewed,
have an anti-incumbency mood.
there's no change from when i
got elected.""  (nice try ?
they're rejecting your leadership, dude.)
"
"come to alcatraz island, the rock,
via ferry; they daily will dock.
see a prison of old
and the cells, which would hold
famous cons.  take a tour 'round the block.
"
"my allegiance i pledge to the state.
hail obama!  he truly is great!
duty bound to his cause,
i no longer see flaws
since he brought down those agents of hate.
"
"i give up.  crying uncle, i'm pleading
for mercy.  please stop.  i'm conceding,
admitting defeat.
if your fists once more meet
my bruised face, ems i'll be needing.
"
"on our date, i performed, in conjuction
with kissing, a bodily function ?
a process organic.
that fart was volcanic.
she split.  now i'm feeling compunction.
"
"relationship-based are the flicks
that appeal to a target ? that's chicks.
they lay it on thick
with emotion to click
with the chicks.  i just wanna throw bricks.
"
"those afros so bushy and thick
from the seventies gave me a kick.
many black folks (some white)
wore their hair curled and tight,
but today that style's not what they pick.
"
"coincidence?  woman and man?
accidentally's how we began?
whereas you take the stance
we arose quite by chance,
i believe we were part of god's plan.
"
"a visitor killed uncle joe.
cousin red says his mom paid some dough
to a hitman ? a slit
to the throat, then he split
with some blood money scored from aunt flo.
"
"i'm a state-penitentiary boarder.
i'm serving all day from a quarter.
if not life, it appears
at least 25 years
is my sentence; it's not any shorter.
"
"a playboy, a bit on the wild side,
conjoined with a gal on the mild side.
she said, ""don't wear a glove,""
'cause she thought it was love,
but it wasn't.  she later, with child, sighed.
"
"there are many carcinogens found
in those cigs that you carry around.
throw those cancer sticks out,
'cause they're paving a route
leading straight to a plot in the ground.
"
"conventional wisdom's a view
we collectively hold to be true;
and although it seems strange,
it may undergo change
if we're faced with some info that's new.
"
"last night's party is cloudy.  i think
i touched glasses and had me a drink,
maybe two, three, or four ?
i'm not sure; could be more.
once again, i see bars ? in the clink.
"
"that religious indifference you see
is acedia; call it ennui,
call it apathy, boredom
or sloth.  (i've ignored him.)
whatever you do, don't call me.
"
"i'm committing a cardinal sin ?
a big no-no.  i lust after lynn,
who's my beautiful ex.
this has led to some sex.
yes, i'm going to hell, but i'll grin.
"
"there once was a prude who'd deplore
my lewd limericks, but that was before
we hooked up.  now she's keen
on the downright obscene.
""they're so dirty,"" she says.  ""tell me more.""
"
"i told a dessert chef named jake,
""i just love that pavlova you make.""
i then asked, ""is it easy
to make?""  ""easy breezy.
a cakewalk,"" he said, ""piece of cake.""
"
"our cut-and-dried sex life's not needing
much thought; it's routine, though i'm pleading,
""try going off script.
i feel totally gypped
when we only have sex for the breeding!""
"
"certain hobbies make everyone tick.
many groups are online; take your pick.
my mouse leads the way
to this site every day.
with shared passion, i'm part of a click.
"
"tribulations and trials i bear;
i accept them with patience and prayer.
they're my cross.  though i suffer,
god's love is a buffer.
it helps me to know that he's there.
"
"the recession has set us adrift
in a downtrend ? a movement or shift
in a downward direction.
we're like a collection
of hitchhikers needing a lift.
"
"yet again, my computer just shut off,
leaving downtime from working my butt off.
while it's fixed, i relax,
maybe have a few snacks.
now i notice i must work my gut off.
"
"a collision i'd hoped to avoid,
but my wife, that damn airbag, annoyed
with her chatter nonstop.
with a vein 'bout to pop,
i then crashed, and the airbags deployed.
"
"antoine domino (nicknamed ""the fat man""
or ""fats"") was a huge success; that man
could tickle the keys.
making millions?  a breeze,
joining whites with the blacks.  what a cat, man!
"
"any guy can get hard, but you're weak
in the lovemaking realm.  you must seek
out a book on ""how-to,""
so you learn what to do
to please women; bone up on technique.
"
"if chaucer were here, it's my view
he'd, at christmastime, sing of the two
turtle dowves in that tree.
dove came later, you see.
now it's spelt sans that strange double u.
"
"a conspiracy theorist he's called.
he has outrage at government, sprawled.
the founders, says beck,
meant to keep it in check.
count me one who is rightly appalled.
"
"""stop that racket!  that's it!  no vacation!""
by spiting her face, in frustration,
she cut off her nose.
the rash sanction she chose
threw a wrench in her planned relaxation.
"
"the body's still warm; can't you wait
maybe two or three days to berate?
it's bad form ? your assaults
and your listing of faults ?
on the day the poor guy meets his fate.
"
"""your son squeezed my hand and awoke
from his coma; then briefly, he spoke.
he's responding to stimuli.""
""jack?!  you mean him?!  you lie!""
""surely, i never would joke.""
"
"long time serving, i'm wrinkled and wizened.
there's a slight chance i'll soon be disprisoned.
oh, please!  is it time
to be freed for my crime?
the parole board, alas, says it isn'd.
"
"my mortgage, adjustable rate,
linked to indices (health of the state),
shows there once was a time
when the lending was prime.
now i watch as my assets deflate.
"
"dating jill was my plan; i commenced it,
but hopelessness hovered ? i sensed it.
my efforts would stall;
she put up a brick wall,
and my head started banging against it.
"
"though his public persona is clean,
dirty pool's his misconduct unseen.
that deceit we'll defeat
at the polls.  that soiled seat
needs a high-powered cleaning machine.
"
"consume cabbage and beans if you dare,
but wherever you go, you're right there
with the cheese that you'll cut ?
gas expelled from your butt.
you'll be craving a breath of fresh air.
"
"a ball that's no longer in play
(maybe goes out of bounds, let's just say)
is officially dead,
and then play goes ahead
when the ref gives the sign it's okay.
"
"my blue-ribbon panel is wise,
and it's free from all government ties.
it'll study a matter
sans partisan chatter,
show findings, and lastly, advise.
"
"though i used to date women nonstop,
this lothario's finally closed shop.
i gave up all the rest
since i landed the best;
she's the essence, the cream of the crop.
"
"the domino theory brought dread.
the u.s. saw the peril as red.
we foresaw toppling fates
of the neighboring states,
so we tried to inhibit its spread.
"
"the recession is downright severe.
i've seen most of my wealth disappear.
now i must put a rein
on my taste for champagne,
'cause my budget allows only beer.
"
"my new lover had got me bumfuzzled.
i felt so confused as we nuzzled.
i'd thought i was straight,
but the urge was too great.
now i'm happily gay and not puzzled.
"
"exclaimed clockmaker simon, ""sublime
is the pealing of many a chime.
and a singular phrase,
ab aeterno, i praise;
it means 'since the beginning of time'.""
"
"a doctrine of analogy stater
will tell you that god, our creator,
and humans don't link
quite as much as you'd think,
with our differences always the greater.
"
"at the date auction, liz, in the wig, won
my heart and my wallet.  ""i dig one
who helps lend a hand,""
she said.  showing my grand,
i cried, ""liz, honey, this is the big one.""
"
"in achieving the goals we've desired,
you've used cunning and craft; that's admired.
you're an artful, sly guy,
which is why, with your eye
on my job, i must tell you, ""you're fired.""
"
"i just had a thought that i'll share:
""stay a while"" ? should a scottish group dare
do a cover, appalled
i would be were it called
""bide a wee.""  by the way, do you care?
"
"you mock my political views.
you heap scorn on my source for the news.
i avoid a collision
of heads; your derision
is fiery, not quick to defuse.
"
"i've got flab; working out is too tough.
i'm not into that muscular stuff.
but this lifestyle inactive
is deemed unattractive
to chicks who like guys who are buff.
"
"the bikini state colours would let
m.o.d. personnel know the threat.
situations appraised
could mean threat levels raised
and swift action with which they'd be met.
"
"traditional marriage support
from prejean drove perez and his sort
to decry (to condemn)
'cause she thought not like them.
soon the donald's support was cut short.
"
"for that flavorful white bread i pine.
made with eggs, it's a favorite of mine.
it's a braided, rich treat,
which the jews often eat.
my god, challah is simply divine.
"
"in his mind, vivid images play
of their lives ere his wife passed away,
of the love gone unbroken,
conveyed by a token ?
he gives her a daisy a day.
"
"bite your tongue, 'cause it's not very nice
to be giving unwanted advice.
best repress those remarks.
don't offend; you'll cause sparks
with the end of your friendships the price.
"
"""give you diprivan run as a drip?
just because you can't sleep?  get a grip!
given pre-operation,
it's meant for sedation.""
but michael, alas, skipped the tip.
"
"with the public, some favor i'd curry,
but the spotlight brought just a brief flurry ?
15 minutes of fame
when they all knew my name.
lacking talent, i now start to worry.
"
"the super bowl's coming.  a lot
of work needs to get done; mask the rot,
which is normal for us.
let's devulgarize, thus,
gussy up, look like something we're not.
"
"this beluga's not found in a tin.
the arctic's the ocean it's in ?
delphinapterus leucas.
folks called me a kook, 'cause
i thought this white whale was my kin.
"
"some funds in the earmark arena
for a bridge that would go to gravina
(that's ""nowhere"") were nixed.
cash instead got roads fixed;
some had hoped it would help out katrina.
"
"what's a buffalo hump?  it affects
some extremely obese.  fat collects
on the back of the neck.
to the gym, they should trek.
no, it doesn't mean ""buffalo sex.""
"
"cave popcorn's no buttery treat
that, from kernels, has popped under heat.
water seeps from cave walls
(or from ceilings it falls)
forming clusters of calcite.  don't eat.
"
"gary coleman, as arnold, would shine
with that one ""what'choo talkin' 'bout"" line.
bad kidneys, his fate,
he grew just to 4-8.
being short was an ominous sign.
"
"bill clinton was feeling our pain ?
a big ruse for political gain?
when within camera shot,
he could cry on the spot.
were these tears of the crocodile vein?
"
"said a boxer, ""my trainer's to thank.
i don't rank, so i'll go in the tank,
making dough as i go
to the mat with a blow.
yes, i'll cry all the way to the bank.""
"
"we'll bork with a vicious attack
and make sure that the press has our back.
we'll make subjects of fear
his beliefs and career,
thus derailing his track to wear black.
"
"john denver arrived on a ""plane,""
then with songs of the earth, he'd attain
much success.  there's no doubt
he was really far out.
his body of work is our gain.
"
"in the south, slaves were quick to partake
of a strutting-type dance for the sake
of a prize.  all would lose
except one who'd amuse.
with such talent, that slave took the cake.
"
"on potatoes and salads, i shake
textured vegetable protein to make
'em taste better.  i savor
that bacon bits flavor.
who cares if the bacon is fake?
"
"patriotic personifications
are seen in cartoonist creations.
brother jonathan (who?)
would lose out to the new
uncle sam (""i want you"") illustrations.
"
"my nanny was super.  she'd see
to my needs, but no nipple for me;
i was drynursed, which may
be a factor today
in my schoolwork and adhd.
"
"putting blame on those pro-abolition,
the copperheads had as their mission
immediate peace,
and they sought the release
of old abe from this land's top position.
"
"a recovering alky named linus,
addressing our group, said, ""i'm minus
the booze for one year.
thank the lord and you here
for support in my ongoing dryness.""
"
"said a loan shark, ""this isn't a gift.
if you don't pay me back, i'll be miffed.
that egregious mistake
gets you dropped in a lake.
understand?  are you catching my drift?""
"
"near the end, a man merely existed
till his suicide, doctor-assisted.
he'd an illness incurable
with pain unendurable.
the doc's very caring.  or twisted.
"
"benefactresses beatrice and blanche'll
give poor people aid that's financial.
and their cash contributions
to help institutions
and causes are very substantial.
"
"ernie coombs (""mr. dressup"") you'd see
out by casey and finnegan's tree
or inside in a skit,
wearing costumes that fit,
a long 29 years on tv.
"
"when i rise at a time that's too early,
i'm bad-temperedly crotchety.  surely,
my co-workers know
it takes three cups of joe
till i stop being grouchy and surly.
"
"nostalgic for love gone awry,
i had called her and asked, ""one more try?""
i appealed to romance,
but she screamed, ""not a chance!""
and an antisentimental ""goodbye!""
"
"in the fifties, the singer dee clark,
with two top 20 hits, lit a spark.
in the states, he would climb
only one other time
when, with ""raindrops,"" he hit that high mark.
"
"she gets up on the wrong side of bed
every day.  her bad temper i dread.
this complete bag of cats,
with a flare to start spats,
makes me wonder why she's who i wed.
"
"dermatitis congelationis numbs
my poor fingers (including my thumbs),
and my toes, hands, and feet.
frozen skin is no treat.
i'll be glad when the warm weather comes.
"
"""info 24/7 distracts,""
says our prez.  ""getting lost are the facts.
you must cut through the lies
from conservative guys,
their bombardment of constant attacks.""
"
"that new business attracted a crowd
with publicity, blatant and loud.
but despite all the hype
of the ballyhoo type,
wares were shoddy and patrons weren't wowed.
"
"wipe out poverty?  here is the way:
overburdening welfare, they say.
with collapse, the solution
is redistribution ?
the poor guaranteed yearly pay.
"
"from the pulpit, the pastor speaks.  when
a response from the women and men
is expected, we lead
from the corner; we need
to cry out with a heart-felt ""amen!""
"
"""the meek,"" said a biblical scholar,
""shall inherit the earth in their squalor.
jesus meant that the blessed
aren't the money-obsessed.
worship him, not the almighty dollar.""
"
"air america, liberal spin,
didn't fare well.  conservatives grin.
of listeners bereft,
its affiliates left,
and mismanagement too did 'em in.
"
"every time we go walking, he'll pee
on some hydrants and many a tree.
so wherever we roam,
he will know the way home
by his calling card.  ""dad, follow me!""
"
"when casualties trapped in a quake
suffer crush syndrome, lives are at stake.
once released, kidneys fail,
and there's shock on a scale
more severe than the bones they might break.
"
"""am i antimarijuana?  damn straight!
since they've legalized pot in this state,""
a nutritionist said,
""more get munchies; it's led
to a bloated obesity rate.""
"
"when soft rock bored some people to tears,
bto came along, shifting gears
into overdrive.  bachman
and turner, two rock men,
and band brought some joy to the ears.
"
"""we don't need no"" is not one negation,
but two; this creates cancellation.
double negatives make
for a positive take.
hey, pink floyd!  so we need education?
"
"an animative woman named viv,
a cartoonist, is able to give
her toons voice.  you can see
them on network tv,
where her vivified characters ""live.""
"
"to the gallows, the convict was led,
and a noose was slipped over his head.
the trap door was released.
he cried cockles, that beast!
with a snap of his neck, he was dead.
"
"on manors medieval, they'd plough.
they were bond tenants, ox and/or cow
herders, tillers of ground.
if you're looking around,
you'll find very few acremen now.
"
"in a counterexample, the aim
is disproving a theorem or claim.
lucas gave it a go.
now the fallacies show
in von neumann and morgenstern's game.
"
"the dinosaur media's laying
off staff 'cause the public's not staying.
without changing courses,
traditional sources
lose out to what others are saying.
"
"""my support for this bill i profess.""
is he voting his conscience?  i guess,
but the timing seems strange
for his compass to change ?
what was wrong now is right; he'll vote yes.
"
"the gullible, culture-less part
of the public, who aren't very smart,
have a mencken-coined word
to which still they're referred ?
booboisie.  (i don't take it to heart.)
"
"your parents, a curse since your birth,
are society's dregs; they've no worth,
and they're filthy ? they're drasty.
they're trashy and nasty,
the ultimate scum of the earth.
"
"the clock's ticking; the time's running thin
on our safety net.  where have they been?
can they do something quickly?
the patient is sickly;
more money goes out than comes in.
"
"though with drone missile air strikes we pound
on our foe, soldiers must hang around
with the locals to build
and to teach, so they're skilled
in defense ? we need boots on the ground.
"
"on a clean-living lifestyle, i pride myself.
by the teachings of jesus, i guide myself.
but my ne'er-do-well twin,
who's conjoined, lives in sin,
and i'm greatly distressed ? i'm beside myself.
"
"""let's shut the republicans out.
we'll pass health care,"" the dems said.  ""no doubt.""
but the votes they would lack,
so they tried a new tack:
""hey, let's take the bipartisan route.""
"
"it's just what the doctor endorses ?
an island with no other sources
of transport except
for the carriages kept
in the rear and drawn forward by horses.
"
"""it's christmas disease that he's got!""
cried the mohel.  ""his blood doesn't clot!""
i excessively bled,
and i could've been dead
if not given a factor ix shot.
"
"what's the chance of my staying?  remote.
i'm a drifter.  not one to devote
too much time in one place
or one job, i keep pace
with my aimlessness; onward i float.
"
"lots of horses and cows i'm among
in this pasture.  i came down a drung;
that's the lane leading here,
which is narrow...oh, dear!
while explaining, i stepped in some dung.
"
"chuck cunningham syndrome is when,
as if writ with erasable pen,
the scripts of a show
let a character go,
and he's never referred to again.
"
"you'd be wise not to judge me but clean
up your own backyard.  know what i mean?
tend to your life.  stop preaching;
it's far overreaching ?
your nose always into my scene.
"
"you've drawn down our troops overseas,
mr. president.  now, if you please,
you should draw down our debt,
'cause if not, then i'll bet
that we'll all soon be speaking chinese.
"
"last night, i was watching a dramedy:
half drama, the other half comedy.
there was nothing resolved
and no laugh track involved.
it was horrid; it made me feel vomity.
"
"what an excellent student you are!
your report card is far above par.
that's a bang-up job, son,
but you're grounded for one
super dent when you banged up my car.
"
"two women got drunk on some stout
at o'toole's and began to make out.
they're not bi; it's their shed
inhibitions that led
to bar curious action, no doubt.
"
"if your church bells don't dong and don't ding
or you need some put up, that's my thing:
installation, repair,
and attachments.  i'm there.
i'm a bell hanger.  give me a ring.
"
"they buried old joe on the knoll,
and the chaplain said, ""god rest his soul.""
then the warden chimed in,
""let his freedom begin
as he's granted a back-gate parole.""
"
"i pulled up to a girl in my chevy
camaro and yelled, ""hey, i'm kevy.
hop in.""  ""you're a clown,""
she said, ""known in this town
to be dozzled ? you're stupid and heavy.""
"
"i'll be an asylum arranger
and offer you shelter from danger
or hardship.  i'm here,
so just call on me, dear,
if you need me; please don't be a stranger.
"
"""there's a task that we need to complete.
so stop dawdling and get off your seat,""
dr. frankenstein said.
""time to raise up the dead.
hurry, igor.  stop dragging your feet.""
"
"micromanager millie will mention
each detail; they get her attention.
this control freak just learned
that her friends are concerned.
now she's planning her own intervention.
"
"in america, even a fool
who's decided to drop out of school
can succeed ? in fact, lead
the whole country.  indeed,
we're now under boobocracy rule.
"
"my wife and i walk around nude
in our house.  curtains drawn would preclude
neighbors looking inside,
like they've done with eyes wide,
but we really don't care if we're viewed.
"
"you're concerned that some bigoted fuzz
will detain all the brown people?  does
that not seem far from true?
those harassed could then sue.
the police need just cause, not ""just 'cause.""
"
"said a virgin exceedingly purty,
""my folks raised me not to be flirty.""
one day, her sweet smile meant
a nighttime defilement;
with chasteness erased, she's now ""dirty.""
"
"the term callithump means ""a parade
where, discordantly, noises are made""
with tin horns, for example;
the partying's ample.
it's, too, a burlesque serenade.
"
"nebraskans would sure have it made
if their medicaid costs had been paid
for forever.  this corn-
husker kickback was born
when ol' harry told ben, ""hey, let's trade.""
"
"i'm afraid that the sea captain's drunkenship
led to that iceberg's big chunk in ship.
he could have steered clear
if not buzzed on the beer.
now we'll all meet our fate with a sunken ship.
"
"down the drain is the excellent thesis
i wrote on electrophoresis.
professor, believe it;
i couldn't retrieve it.
the dog chewed my paper to pieces.
"
"you need bibliographic citations
for your thesis end.  list publications ?
the stuff that you've read
to back up what you've said ?
author, title, and page compilations.
"
"""hey, what's wrong, mom and pop?  why the frown?""
""a big box just arrived in our town,
and it can't be denied
all the people inside
are a threat; we may have to shut down.""
"
"thank god that the cowboys came through
with a win over favre and his crew.
now my lions advance;
they back into the chance
at the super bowl.  what?  get a clue?
"
"""you're being presumptuous, ari.
i didn't want that.""  ""gee, i'm sorry.
hey, waitress, get rid
of these rings of fried squid.
seems my date doesn't like calamari.""
"
"the beltway is washington-based.
what's within often earns my distaste.
the pork barrel spending,
which seems never-ending,
has bloated the government's waist.
"
"in a castle lived young mistress glover
and spouse.  he was shocked to discover
a man in his place
with a smile on his face;
in their bed lay the chatelaine's lover.
"
"the bucket we all will be kicking.
if you have a to-do list, start picking
some things to get done,
and then do them; have fun.
our proverbial clocks keep on ticking.
"
"hey, baby, you're sure looking sweet.
here's a notion: let's generate heat
with our bodies and play
in a physical way
then cool off when the act is complete.
"
"dustin diamond, on saved by the bell
and two spinoffs, played ""screech"" for a spell.
a lot smaller his wage,
he now takes to the stage
doing standup; it's comedy hell.
"
"i suggest that you not doctor shop.
i requested some pain pills to pop;
four physicians came through
with prescriptions, which grew
my addiction, and now i can't stop.
"
"we should have said, ""thanks, but no thanks""
to the banksters in charge of the banks.
though those home loans were pleasing ?
you guessed it ? they're seizing
our houses.  (those blankety-blanks!)
"
"saul alinsky, an activist, saw
the sustained status quo as a flaw.
he sought to devour
both privilege and power
through people's resentments rubbed raw.
"
"""where i'll relegate you is no mystery!""
screamed barb with rebuke that was blistery.
her ex-beau was apprised
he'd be marginalized
and consigned to the ash heap of history.
"
"""you're a packrat who's causing me strife!""
she informed me.  ""declutter your life!
every room is a mess!""
this i didn't address.
i'm afraid that it cost me my wife.
"
"i came up with a plan really fine,
and i thought it too good to decline.
picked apart by my peers
amid audible jeers,
my non-starter thus died on the vine.
"
"extreme poverty brings us no mirth.
since the dust bowl, our farm has no worth.
i can't even sow seeds
yielding life's basic needs;
we're dirt poor.  we've a dearth of rich earth.
"
"have you noticed what's risen so steeply
is government's reach?  you're not deeply
concerned?  the decline
of autonomy's fine?
do you value your freedoms so cheaply?
"
"budget busting is congress's game.
now we've deficits no one can tame.
all their spending on end
is an ongoing trend,
and it puts drunken sailors to shame.
"
"lonnie donegan, known as the king
of the music called skiffle, took wing
in the fifties.  he'd shine,
taking ""rock island line""
on his way through a hit-laden string.
"
"i confronted my youngest son, louie,
who staggered around acting screwy.
with scotch whisky the smell
on his breath, i knew well
i should hide that liqueur, my drambuie.
"
"a spade he likes calling a spade.
to speak frankly, he isn't afraid.
call him coarse and uncouth,
but he'll tell you the truth,
unlike those in the prissy brigade.
"
"when you blindly accept and defend,
then you're drinking the kool-aid, my friend.
philosophically cleaving
and staunchly believing,
you're traveling a road with no bend.
"
"dea is a fed institution
in the drug war; it fights distribution
and use.  it could slash
dealers' access to cash
with a legalization solution.
"
"i didn't expect all the drama
i got when confronting obama.
the damn secret service,
exceedingly nervous,
detained me for shouting, ""yo mama!""
"
"death warmed over, i feel like ? unwell,
very ill ? with this virus from hell.
there's a light at the end
of the tunnel ? i'll mend;
but if not, get a casket xl.
"
"my job is in food preparation.
i hear, though, i face termination.
my cutting and dicing
is ripe for the slicing.
the chopping block feeds my frustration.
"
"an ecologist said, ""i'm real keen
on the spartans, that fighting machine.
every time they appear
on tv, you can hear
my support with my cheers of go green!""
"
"a farmer, his wife, and kid dwell
in a small, wooded valley (a dell).
life is good with the cats,
dogs, and even the rats;
but the cheese leaves a horrible smell.
"
"""are you cheating on me?"" my wife cried.
hanky-panky i firmly denied:
""why'm i coming home late?
lots of work fills my plate.""
but i've really a bit on the side.
"
"anti-takeover folks on a mission
will fight to prevent acquisition
of businesses.  driven
to help them keep livin',
these people are pro-competition.
"
"since perception's reality, get
them to spend lots of time on a threat
that you don't carry through.
if they think something's true,
from this con they will constantly fret.
"
"if their rule book, from which they can't bend,
says they answer all letters, then send
them a lot; inundation
will test reputation,
a thing they'll find hard to defend.
"
"don't let up; apply pressure; attack
from the front, from the side, from the back.
never give them a chance
to regroup or advance.
if you keep them off balance, they'll crack.
"
"an organization infused
with new tactics keeps people enthused
and involved.  it's a drag,
and their interest will lag,
should your tactics become overused.
"
"you'll find ridicule works to your favor.
it's your most potent weapon.  don't waver.
keep the pressure applied;
it will bolster your side.
turn your enemy into a caver.
"
"go outside of your foe's expertise.
then he's forced to address what he sees
as irrelevant.  surety
drops; insecurity
rises with blind-siding ease.
"
"to add to your backbone, don't go
into subjects you really don't know;
it results in retreat.
if you aim to defeat,
you want confidence always to show.
"
"if alone, that will doom a have-not.
get more people, then give it a shot.
though you may not be guys
who have ample supplies,
make the enemy think you've a lot.
"
"we have company coming tonight.
clear away all the messes in sight.
hurry, get off your duff.
you can put all this stuff
under beds and in closets, all right?
"
"out of montreal, canada, came
a light pop group ? the bells was their name.
it's that sultry duet
i will never forget:
""stay awhile"" brought them widespread acclaim.
"
"delta dawn, what's that flower you wear?
faded rose perhaps?  gone's your affair
from those days long ago.
give him up; he won't show.
you're mere steps from that mansion up there.
"
"jim croce was briefly a star.
he'd a working man's look with cigar.
coffeehouses and clubs
were his main concert hubs
as he sang his own tunes on guitar.
"
"double date with that dog?  nosirree!
you can't pay me enough.  all the tea
in china won't do.
she belongs in a zoo.
now, come up with a babe, i'll agree.
"
"to illegals, he seems deferential:
""there's discriminatory potential.
unwarranted stops
by some bigoted cops
could occur, so a suit is essential.""
"
"a man who is drowning will clutch
at a straw.  his predicament's such
that he'll grasp and he'll grope
at what's withering hope,
thus the chances it helps?  not so much.
"
"our new neighbor will lie in the raw
as she sunbathes.  she hasn't a flaw.
what a sight!  i affix
both my eyes on that chick's
altogether, completely in awe.
"
"the minister's daughter is barred
from a boy she holds high in regard;
but the prayers that her dad
makes her say only add
to her lust, 'cause they're long and they're hard.
"
"gary u.s. bonds landed, no doubt,
with ""quarter to three,"" ""school is out,""
""new orleans"" and two twist
hits to add to the list
of top tens; he had rock 'n' roll clout.
"
"helen thomas, her colors are true
as her bigotry shows through and through.
what's her israel stand?
that it's occupied land,
and it's really no place for a jew.
"
"cabin fever i cannot endure
any longer.  i must find a cure,
'cause i'm restless, distressed,
and extremely depressed.
why, of course!  ""go outside,"" you say.  sure!
"
"it is seen on your skin with a chill,
with a scare, or perhaps with a thrill.
anserina means ""goose,""
cutis, ""skin."" you'll deduce
what i mean with one guess if you will.
"
"we failed to observe the canary
in the coalmine.  we should have been wary.
the signs were all there,
but we just didn't care.
now the worst has come true ? downright scary!
"
"said a fine-looking beach babe named jeannie,
""my two-piece is so teeny-weeny.
you should see it!""  her date
said, ""i'm sure you look great
in it; nothing, though, beats a bikini.""
"
"obama's agenda long-range,
creeping normalcy, isn't so strange.
we're less apt to reject
what we fail to detect.
thus, we blindly accept major change.
"
"when you carry one's water, you do
someone's bidding; you help them pursue
an agenda ? think minions
who echo opinions
and help to get messages through.
"
"your extravagant plans?  unfulfilled,
a result of the castles you build
in the air.  i've much doubt
that you'll carry them out.
but i will say at daydreams you're skilled.
"
"in my chamber, i pull out the pot
'neath my bed, and upon it i squat.
urination i do.
defecation there too.
i just love daily cleaning it ? not!
"
"a nutritional breakfast his aim,
founder kellogg had garnered acclaim
mixing corn, flavored malt,
sugar, syrup, and salt.
kellogg's corn flakes, the cereal's name.
"
"you must cleave, to the fullest extent,
with confessionalism.  dissent
just a fraction?  you're out
of our faith group devout.
the one way you can stay is repent.
"
"when i used to come home to my wife
and her cooking, disasters were rife.
now she orders chinese
and, with cabbage to please,
she is bringing bok choy to my life.
"
"pre-potty, my daughter's a dancer.
i hurry to de-underpants her
and rush to the lav.
soon she'll know: when you have
calls of nature, it's best you should answer.
"
"a geology major in boulder
got mad when a rock outlet sold her
""derivative rocks""
(so they said), but the box
held not deuterogenic, but older.
"
"""here's my plan,"" said our prez, ""job creation.
i'm sure it will cause stimulation.
it's antirecession.""
i get the impression
it's not, given lasting stagnation.
"
"if a peaceful, but loud, demonstration
stirs the wrath of an organization,
you'll win public support
if they choose to resort
to assault as they vent irritation.
"
"he was coolidge's veep, and his name?
charles dawes.  he would garner acclaim
when he won the nobel
and in music as well:
the adapted ""it's all in the game.""
"
"i humored my friend, who asked, ""why
don't you give god and jesus a try?""
so we went to a mass.
""i don't mean to be crass,""
i soon whispered, ""but check, please ? goodbye.""
"
"""don't let poor nellie starve,"" charlie said
of his mistress while dying in bed.
he was king of the flirts.
women lifted their skirts
in respect, and from that?  ""charlie's dead.""
"
"flying high was the bird, rookie year.
a hard landing abridged his career.
but we'll fondly recall
how he gave it his all
as he talked to the ball ? a bit queer.
"
"on battery acid i'm keen.
it provides me a jolt of caffeine.
i don't function without it,
there's no doubt about it:
i live off the juice of the bean.
"
"those with anti-ideological bents
hear all sides and then try to make sense
out of good points and bad.
they can drive others mad
'cause they constantly sit on the fence.
"
"glen campbell gained much recognition
at first as a session musician.
and then, on his own,
he arrived in the zone.
his voice was a welcome addition.
"
"""christ within is the presence divine,""
said a quaker, ""which each of us mine
and then meet as a whole.
this enlightens the soul
as it guides.  let your inner light shine.""
"
"this teapot is dripless; the lip
and the spout are designed not to drip.
as i pour, let me tell
of my dating life hell ?
all the drips.  you'll just flip.  have a sip.
"
"though we have, in this land, opportunity,
communitarian chris supports unity
of resources: ""hey,""
he says, ""pool all our pay
to support the collective community.""
"
"at our book club, a recommendation
shows angela's jesus fixation.
it's led her to shout,
""check the book of books out,
and especially read revelation!""
"
"we avoid what's not fun and deplore
things that don't bring results; they're a bore.
so you need to employ
what the people enjoy.
without urging, they'll come back for more.
"
"pick the target; you'll want to select
one that's personal.  then be direct
as you chide and deride.
you will win to your side
many people who want to defect.
"
"folks antitechnological meet
at a know-nothing, luddite retreat.
against progress, they rant.
can they stop it?  they can't.
and the good old days?  long obsolete.
"
"said my forged doctor's note: sinus blockage.
i almost avoided a dockage
in pay, but my boss
learned the truth.  why the loss
of some wages?  a bad case of jock itch.
"
"see this cross-staff i bear?  it's no chore
as i carry it proudly before
the archbishop.  the prelate
likes joking, ""they sell it
on down at the crociary store.""
"
"on my dad's side, old ireland is where
we had kin ? from the county of clare.
on my mom's side, the main
spot is alsace-lorraine.
these two regions ancestral i share.
"
"from one action, results are direct
in the domino (ripple) effect.
though each change may be small,
set in motion are all
the events that will interconnect.
"
"our match ended.  i couldn't resist
shouting, ""booyah!"" and pumping my fist.
extreme proudness i felt
at the blow i had dealt
to the number one seed.  he was pissed.
"
"you wed a wife bigamously
while still legally married to me?
that's a crime.  our divorce
hasn't run its full course.
when it does, you'll still yearn to be free.
"
"said the judge at the bake-off, ""this batch
uses baking mix ? surely, no match
for the others.""  he knocks
sweetened flour in a box.
i'll make cookies the next time from scratch.
"
"""you used to get picked on?  by who?""
""by a mean kid in school that i knew.
then one day after class,
i just whomped on his ass.""
""that's impressive!  well, bully for you!""
"
"toward the end of a service is where,
with his blessing invoked, we all share
in the host with a hymn.
""we thank him,"" father jim
starts each week's benedictory prayer.
"
"if to taverns of yore you would come,
you could order spruce beer mixed with rum
and fermented molasses ?
maybe down several glasses
of this drink calibogus.  ooh!  yum!
"
"said a prudish tattoo artist, ""fine.
i can give you a tramp stamp design,
but i'm putting restrictions
on lower depictions.
your butt's where i'm drawing the line.""
"
"if your strategy's holding a place
at the table to meet face to face,
you must make contributions
that offer solutions,
constructively making your case.
"
"you're the governor, charlie, but dissed
by your party, you couldn't resist
breaking ranks.  power's lure
made your motives impure.
you just can't let it go.  jesus, crist!
"
"the hijackers took full control
with the capitol building their goal;
but the passengers learned
of the towers that burned
and would execute bravely: ""let's roll!""
"
"""though your lovemaking ways are stupendous,""
said an english professor, ""you'll end us
with your language abuse ?
ax for ask and your use
of acrost for across ? it's horrendous!""
"
"""we decided to go for a bite.
gee, that man is a talker, all right,""
said evander of mike.
""this i didn't much like.
he was chewing my ear off all night.""
"
"my love life with kelvin i'd cheer; oh,
his energy made him my hero.
now his movement is nil
(he's so cold, lying still),
making kelvin an absolute zero.
"
"a stray bullet struck down tarleton's horse.
then his british and loyalist force,
with their sabers, attacked
and, in butchery, hacked
the surrendering men ? no remorse.
"
"assaulted before, i got wary
of life in the city ? it's scary;
but to fear i won't yield.
now i have a concealed,
loaded weapon with license to carry.
"
"a doomster, while sounding the knell
of impending disaster, cried, ""hell!
with the libs in control,
we'll be deep in a hole,
and to freedoms we'll bid a farewell.""
"
"'cause of harsh puritanical views
via blue laws, we're down with the blues.
i strongly object
to a sabbath respect
that enforces a ban on all booze.
"
"'92's minor shock?  just a blip:
spending 50-plus years on a trip
going nowhere, the pride
of the lions had died
after cool bobby layne steered the ship.
"
"slash social security?  note:
that would ruin my chance with the vote
of the young generation
across this great nation.
i'd rather not cut my own throat.
"
"contradiction in terms: an expression
or phrase, e.g., passive aggression,
that's false necessarily
(trusting you warily,
ethical legal profession).
"
"with her targeted districts, how dare
sarah palin, with crosshairs, declare
""don't retreat, but reload!""
she should know this can goad
all the literal sickos out there.
"
"the woman i took to my attic
last night was a role-play fanatic.
intensely expressive,
that chick was obsessive.
""aw, screw it!"" i yelled.  ""too dramatic!""
"
"i've been forced by her kin from the area.
agitation that borders hysteria
(the abdabs) she's got.
now her nerves are all shot.
that's her way to say, ""no, i won't marry ya.""
"
"the ctenocephalides flea
is a pest; dogs and cats would agree.
in the absence of pets,
this parasite gets
to attacking, when starved, you and me.
"
"""drain the swamp,"" the electorate said.
""rid those halls of corruption.  it's bred
in the culture.  it's wrong
and has gone on too long:
special interests and congress in bed.""
"
"carl douglas, a one-hit sensation,
struck gold with bruce lee inspiration.
just a throwaway song,
so he thought ? he was wrong ?
""kung fu fighting"" took hold of the nation.
"
"here's the scoop: yummy ice cream creations
at cold stone surpass expectations.
they fold what you've chosen
on granite that's frozen.
delight in their vast combinations.
"
"flying delta, i've been to green bay,
santa ana, savannah, l.a.,
also austin, liberia,
boston, nigeria,
spain, maine, ukraine, and taipei.
"
"""the inhibitors taken, reverse
transcriptase and protease, nurse,
sure have helped,"" grinned a gay.
""now my aids is at bay,
so i guess it's not time for the hearse.""
"
"i've castration anxiety (fear
that my dad will be taking a shear
to my sex organs).  this
is what happened to sis.
gotta get me the hell outta here!
"
"mainstream media outlets begrudge
the success of a newshound they judge
to be careless.  he'll scoop
the political poop
like lewinsky; you'll read it on drudge.
"
"please excuse me.  i'm stuffed.  i had too
much to eat.  now i gotta go poo.
it's the outhouse for me.
is that doniker free?
be right back.  gotta skip to the loo.
"
"""safe sex"" is the message they drum
in our heads, so much so, we've grown numb.
guess they didn't expect
decreased use ? in effect,
all the condom fatigue that would come.
"
"i'm not used to my mirrored reflection.
my past has no trace of connection.
i'm dislikened (disguised).
my whole life was revised
upon entering witness protection.
"
"in the broad jump olympics, meg hopper
did well; she thought no one could top her.
before it was through,
she was bested by two
and won bronze, which is tin, mostly copper.
"
"""barbara ann"" is a song 'bout a guy
at a dance.  who should catch this guy's eye?
barbara ann.  not just dancing
he seeks, but romancing.
he reels when he gives her a try.
"
"one annual acts like a shield
to more profits; it lowers my yield.
this naturalized weed
with a poisonous seed
is my bane; it's called crown-of-the-field.
"
"imagine the trunk of a tree
with two branches; my brother and me
are dicephalous twins ?
at the neck he begins.
i'm a bum.  oddly, he's an m.d.
"
"it's not to the malls i go hopping.
instead, cyber monday's for shopping
online.  christmas day,
about four weeks away,
spurs e-commerce.  the deals have eyes popping.
"
"on a bar billiards table, we use,
to knock balls into holes, our short cues.
but the pegs that stand guard
always fall ? man, it's hard!
i get penalized more and thus lose.
"
"we were bound for a crushing defeat,
but we suddenly turned up the heat.
the result when we came
on like gangbusters?  shame
for our rivals, whose asses got beat.
"
"my net connectivity's slow.
having dial-up brings nothing but woe.
and it seems to take ages
when downloading pages.
my friend said, ""get broadband, you schmo.""
"
"blind musician, ray charles, playing swing
with a band, showed his mates he could sing.
then the country took note
of the guy's soulful throat,
and this genius kept doing his thing.
"
"cri-du-chat syndrome: infants have cries
like a kitten's meow.  smallish size,
down-turned mouths, acts aggressive,
and dribbling excessive
are seen, and it's rarer in guys.
"
"his utopia came in our sleep.
now his words i recall: ""creep by creep,
going steady and slow,
we'll take baby steps.""  though,
looking back, we took one giant leap.
"
"said a swishy, effeminate nancy,
""having condomless sex isn't chancy.""
airy-fairy, this man
has no sensible plan.
he should stop taking flights of pure fancy.
"
"sparky anderson managed a team
in the seventies; it was a dream.
he'd a big red machine.
and post-season?  routine.
of the mlb crop, they were cream.
"
"after boiling, you skim the whey.  here,
take this sieve.  pour the rest of it, dear.
with the milk solids gone,
you'll have butter that's drawn.
have i made myself perfectly clear?
"
"you're a cage rattler making me mad
for the hell of it.  may i just add
that the cages you rattle
could spark a small battle.
your car just got stolen?  too bad.
"
"richard simmons was feeling possessed.
he was demonomania-stressed.
though this evil intrusion
was just a delusion,
he went on an exorcise quest.
"
"my hometown got flooded today.
what good fortune we'd all moved away.
so destructive the tally,
it's now a drowned valley;
it only exists as a bay.
"
"in his cool, unemotional fashion,
obama exudes zero passion;
he's detached.  he emotes,
though, when asking for votes
and when needing to draw lots of cash in.
"
"the informant, while dropping a dime
to the cops 'bout a murderous crime,
told the who, what, and where
of the grisly affair.
now his partner's locked up doing time.
"
"before george ""sparky"" anderson came
to the tigers, he'd earned his acclaim
with the reds.  then once more
he came through ('84).
what an asset he was to the game!
"
"in our living room, right over there,
stood a british antique drunkard's chair.
deep and wide, this chair came
from queen anne's time.  a shame
the thing broke from my fat derriere.
"
"dr. hook got their foot in the door
via film with a silverstein score.
then came ""sylvia's mother""
and all of their other
great songs ? humor, ballads and more.
"
"it wasn't our best, that away game
we played; it was just an okay game
for us.  as for them,
it was one mighty gem.
give them credit for bringing their a game.
"
"a clairaudient woman's my claire,
hearing voices not seemingly there,
like those outside the range
of perception.  how strange:
our love's dying, yet she's unaware.
"
"when you bury your head in the sand,
you ignore or dismiss, out of hand,
signs of danger; you choose
not to see all the clues.
in your life, harsh reality's banned.
"
"my friend said, ""i'm fleet on my feet
when encountering gals who've been beat
with an ugly stick.""  ""but,""
i informed him, ""know what?
i'm sure looking at you is no treat.""
"
"our connubial rites will take place
on june 4, when we stand face to face
and we say our i do's.
should she choose to refuse,
you're my backup, my love, just in case.
"
"""disencharm me, oh wizard!  you granted
my wish with a spell that you planted.
now the babes that i draw
talk and talk ? major flaw.
set me free!""  (i became disenchanted.)
"
"bible thumpers are jesus-enthused,
and they try to get others infused
with his word.  their obsession
can turn to aggression.
would jesus want people abused?
"
"obama is crooked, i preached
in a book, and he should be impeached.
i just know they were pissed
at the times when its list
of top books showed bestsellerdom reached.
"
"dear daughter:

when i was a lad,
i revealed to a girl what i had.
things progressed. then came you
way too soon. please don't do
what i did till you're ready.

????????????????????????????love,
??????????????????????????????????dad.
"
"a jesus freak cried, ""i assert
if i christianize you, you'll convert
and have christ as your lord!
so c'mon!  get on board,
jews and buddhists!  hey, what can it hurt?""
"
"""thumbs down?  but on what is that based?""
the restaurant critic i faced
offered no explanation,
no justification.
there's just no accounting for taste.
"
"want control of a pest population?
try autocide; that's propagation
of males that are sterile.
by this, you imperil
the stock; no more multiplication.
"
"define dureless? ephemeral, fleeting,
like diets i try; i'm retreating
before i begin.
i won't ever be thin,
'cause i'm just too addicted to eating.
"
"supposedly drawn to a close
was a threat, but a problem arose
in its wake.  this event,
called an afterclap, meant
unexpected and subsequent woes.
"
"when a game nears the end, it's no shock
teams who lead use up time (burn the clock),
much like interviews, brief,
with a long-winded chief.
isn't that how the game's played, barack?
"
"take this dumbed-down exam, and i'll grade it.
condescendingly simple i made it.
the curriculum's thin
with our standards reined in.
that's the nea's game.  have you played it?
"
"bumper-stickering quotes means the gist
is conveyed, but precision is missed.
though the quotes that we know
will turn out to be faux,
they're concise, so they're apt to persist.
"
"once before, down this road we have trod,
so it's vaguely familiar, not odd.
intuition's our friend,
plus on faith we'll depend
to arrive both by guess and by god.
"
"i just love dirty girl scouts.  it's not
what you think; if it's baileys you've got,
cr?me de menthe (green or white)
and some vodka on site
with kahl?a, then give it a shot.
"
"""that degreed education of yours,""
said my father, ""will open most doors.
opportunity knocks.
you won't find many locks.""
""dad, hold on.  not through mopping these floors.""
"
"a very long shadow is cast
by that man who lived far in the past.
influential is he.
take a look, and you'll see
why disciples of christ have amassed.
"
"your values are sharply defined,
absolute; you're so rigid of mind.
the prism you use
just refracts in two hues:
black and white.  shades of gray aren't assigned.
"
"the city of god, from the sky,
will descend.  true believers will cry
out his praises sublime
for the rest of all time.
call me sinner; i'd rather just die.
"
"if you keep on applying the skill
and the effort toward something, there will
come a point where yield's finished;
returns are diminished
and may begin heading downhill.
"
"""where is abel?"" god asks. ""i don't know.
do i need to keep track of my bro?
is his welfare,"" asks cain,
""my concern?"" (he was slain
by cain's hand, and god knew it. uh-oh!)
"
"i said to my hairdresser, davie,
""cymotrichous styles are my fave.""  he
looked flummoxed, perplexed
as to what to do next.
""sorry.  learned a new word.  gimme wavy.""
"
"on takeoff when ""surfin' bird"" flew,
the rivingtons answered, ""let's sue,
'cause the trashmen took bits
of our two biggest hits.""
they got credit where credit was due.
"
"though our shanty town lacks all appeal ?
plywood homes, extreme squalor ? we feel
we can fake showing pride.
ask us where we reside,
and we'll classily say, ""bidonville.""
"
"he looked happy.  his business was thriving.
so we're stunned by his autocide: driving
and crashing, intending
his life to be ending.
departed, his soul is arriving.
"
"the government had as a goal
a dependency-forming black hole.
antiwelfare, a view
stressing work, then broke through.
the result? fewer live on the dole.
"
"a hypothesis needs exploration
through repeated experimentation.
when results that are checked
show a link that's direct
or inverse, we can see correlation.
"
"with a partner, i work ems
bringing service to those in distress.
i'm a co-medic daily,
but nightly i'm gaily
comedic, a stand-up success.
"
"you're a fraud; you intend to deceive.
what else do you have up your sleeve?
when you truthfully speak,
such a case is unique.
take your dupery with you and leave.
"
"""take that conical hat off your head!
you're no dope!  put that notion to bed!
you have brains you can use!""
mrs. parks lit a fuse
at that moment; the dunce cap i shred.
"
"when we bundle, a custom we keep:
the same bed is the place that we sleep,
but we're both fully clothed.
""please, my darling betrothed,
just this once, and we'll blab not a peep!""
"
"my parents aren't crazy 'bout jim,
my new boyfriend.  the chances are slim
that they'll ever come 'round
and accept him; they're bound
to stand pat and not cotton to him.
"
"""my back teeth,"" cried cassandra, ""are floating.
i'm pretty damn near to exploding.""
she'd put off nature's call,
so she ? quick ? grabbed a stall
and proceeded with bladder unloading.
"
"decision procedures i do
to determine what's false and what's true.
the answers i find
using rules preassigned
and the limited steps i go through.
"
"any hope that i might have had flew
out the window when tryouts were through.
the director said, ""no.
not the type.  you can go.
oh, and please don't call us, we'll call you.""
"
"joseph brooks, in a long ago moon,
wrote ""you light up my life"";  debby boone
hit the top.  now we see
that he offed himself.  gee,
i would too had i written that tune.
"
"on the chain gang, my sorrows were rife.
i broke free with the help of my wife.
now i'm kept from the joys
of nights out with the boys.
take this new ball and chain.  give me life!
"
"every weekend i go with my tribe
to a canticoy.  there we imbibe
the convivial air.
it's a dancing affair
with a fun and incredible vibe.
"
"do slaughterhouse workers appall
folks at peta?  of course.  but that's small
when compared to a loud
baseball stadium crowd
in disgust at an ump's butchered call.
"
"time for death pool: today's new year's day.
which celebs will be passing away?
the younger they are,
the much better by far ?
the more points are awarded.  let's play.
"
"if you're wise and have something to say,
best to use capsule wisdom each day;
be concise when you speak.
it's the long-winded geek
who will drive all his listeners away.
"
"in days of old, alchemists sought
a catholicon, thinking there ought
to be some panacea.
this ""cure-all"" idea
for ills and disease went for nought.
"
"we thought we would name our boy art,
since a lab in san fran was his start.
(sperm and eggs were combined.)
but his birth changed our mind.
he was born on the train; his name's bart.
"
"don't look now, but your wife's over there
at the bar.  you can glance, but don't stare;
she may see and infer
that we're spying on her.
ain't that chick she just tongued your au pair?
"
"the first apple of discord bred war.
it's the kernel, the crux, or the core
of a quarrel.  this seed
can cause friction and breed;
then a bigger dispute is in store.
"
"""for a change, how 'bout sex in the day?
it's called coitus diurnus.  okay?""
""passers-by can see in.
don't you think it's a sin?""
""if it is, we can show 'em the way.""
"
"the reruns i've watched since the eighties:
three girls and their mom (lovely ladies)
team up with a man
with three boys.  this big clan
(and their maid) was a bunch called the bradys.
"
"""don't you look at a king!  you're a cat!
straight ahead's where your eyes should be at!""
""i can look where i please!
i'm as good as you!  jeez!""
""it's latrine duty, son, just for that!""
"
"to dietary law i stay true.
certain foods, certain drinks are taboo,
so from these i abstain.
yet that doesn't explain
why my weight is 472.
"
"she had only one hit; claudine clark
found success at the number five mark.
after tasting fame's heights
with the song ""party lights,""
she discovered such limelight went dark.
"
"""linguistically speaking, i've found,""
a taxonomist said, ""it's unsound
if the names one is giving
to dead things, or living,
are caconyms; errors abound.""
"
"nag, nag, nag!  i can't bear it and grin.  it
decreases my life span each minute.
best get out while i can.
if i stay, this young man
better plan for a grave; i'll be in it.
"
"facing louis was no day at camp.
the brown bomber was heavyweight champ.
joe's punches had sting.
he was king of the ring,
and he later appeared on a stamp.
"
"when you're calling me up on the phone,
you will hear, before dialing, a tone
that is steady and low.
get no answer?  please know
that i'm out or i'm using the throne.
"
"it's your grave that i'm watching you dig
with a knife and a fork.  you're too big.
much too soon you'll be bound
for a hole in the ground.
so eat wiser, and don't be a pig.
"
"i work at a top clothing store
and see, daily, cute numbers galore.
there are those on the racks,
but what really attracts
are the honeys who walk through the door.
"
"""when the world ends,"" said god, ""i'll be checkin'
who's evil, who's not, and will beckon
the good souls to save.
judgment day will be grave
for the rest.  call it doomsday; i reckon.""
"
"a bisexual blooms with its pieces,
both female and male. that increases
the chance for some seed
to succeed,  and indeed,
see some viable seedy releases.
"
"degloried (disgraced) was the man
known as ""king of the jews""; it began
with a thorny crown worn
and a heavy cross borne.
glory's triumph was part of god's plan.
"
"though our differing views we hold strong,
it's important we all get along.
disagreements we have
can be soothed with a salve
of calm words.  still, the fact is you're wrong.
"
"said my harvard grad sis, in her vanity,
""kev, you're as dumb as a manatee.
i'm much smarter, you know?
you're a cabbage head, bro,
as you're thick; your brain's stuffed with inanity.""
"
"disfurnishment came in the night.
i was out, and a thief was on site.
he stole all i owned,
but he quickly atoned
and refurnished my dwelling just right.
"
"""tighter, tighter"" ? that song would arrive,
making billboard's top ten by alive
'n kickin', a name
from whence irony came:
future flops proved too much to survive.
"
"do palin and others believe
that, with death panels, what we'll receive
is reduction in cost
by the lives that are lost
via rationing?  should we all grieve?
"
"""read my lips: no new taxes.""  bush caved,
lost his job.  (like a lib he behaved.)
could the gop's call
to give tax breaks to all
and a deal mean obama's job's saved?
"
"""from emotion, emote came to be;
burglar ? burgle; from pease we got pea,""
said a coed, none cuter,
who's acting as tutor.
back formations she's doing with me.
"
"her personal phone calls at work
never ended; they drove me berserk.
in a frenzy of violence,
i killed her.  the silence
from motionless lips is a perk.
"
"i recall feeling utterly giddy
when grandma would coo, ""chickabiddy,
i love you!""  this word,
which is now rarely heard,
had at one time referred to a kiddie.
"
"when i'm dead to the world, i'm asleep
and oblivious, hearing no peep,
or i'm just not responding
to socially bonding
with others; i give not a bleep.
"
"where's my sugar and spice?  did she vanish?
my little girl, choosing to banish
her feminine side,
said with lesbian pride,
""i'm an amy-john, dad: gaily mannish.""
"
"my wife's a cold fish in our bed.
she's aloof, and her passion is dead.
so, unable to please her,
i went to our freezer
and warmed up the salmon instead.
"
"all we need is available light
on the subject; it's sunny and bright.
you can tell the best boy
this is all we'll employ
till it's cloudy or dusky or night.
"
"""dig up dirt on the guber affairs
of ms. palin; our readership cares,""
says the times, ""but don't try
to go after our guy,
like with reverend wright and bill ayers.""
"
"""gonna come to my school graduation?""
asked jethro in heightened elation.
""i passed the sixth grade.
i will sure have it made.
i done got me an edumacation.""
"
"nancy noone second-naturedly natters.
""blah, blah, blah,"" she incessantly chatters.
her friends pray for strength
as she babbles at length
about mind-numbing, trivial matters.
"
"the wine in these glasses we're clinking
is fruity and sweet: easy-drinking.
high in alcohol?  no.
so the chances are low
we'll get drunk to the point that we're stinking.
"
"gossip, smears, and false claims oft arise.
arm your friends and your family, guys.
attackwatch.com
will defuse any bomb
as it helps you to see through the lies.
"
"ronald trone (with the stage name of ""don"")
and claude johnson (his partner dubbed ""juan"")
found success with the hit
""what's your name,"" but that's it;
no more hits would they happen upon.
"
"the blueskins (their skin wasn't blue)
held a strict puritanical view.
presbyterians, grave
in the way they'd behave,
were a solemn bunch.  fun was taboo.
"
"her cyclopia's such a sad plight.
orbits merged, and primordia, right
and left, fused; and that's why
she has only one eye.
and her nose?  alas, nowhere in sight.
"
"some folks with a terminal plight,
or a view that to die was their right,
would consult dr. death
to assist their last breath,
and their suffering ended.  good night.
"
"at shipbuilding, sorry, you flunk.
a big bergy bit took out a chunk
of our starboard and stern.
screw cheap labor!  i'll learn
in my next life.  in this one, i'm sunk.
"
"""your deterioration is slow.
will this lead to your death?  likely so.
it's called circling the drain.""
""doc, no need to explain,
'cept for this: is it clockwise i'll go?""
"
"this ascension of christ into heaven
we're feasting with chicken kiev 'n'
dessert.  forty days
after easter we praise
him.  (the cross-days start day 37.)
"
"her disaugmenting caused her to shriek.
freaked monique sees a surgeon next week.
what were 38ds
now are 32bs;
seems her silicone breasts sprang a leak.
"
"a cockchafer asked me, ""what say
i destroy vegetation today?""
""you damn beetle!"" i cried.
""in my fields you reside.
i've no choice but get rubbed the wrong way!""
"
"blanket statements aren't those that are said
when we're under the covers in bed.
all-encompassing, broad ?
this is how they are flawed.
therefore, all men are pigs has no cred.
"
"an antidisestablishmentarian
sought a revival of marryin'
the church with the state.
""it's not up for debate,""
cried the public. ""that notion we're buryin'.""
"
"slutty school girls is not what you'd call
edutainment.  this movie's a ball,
and it sure entertains.
but enriching your brains?
educational?  no, not at all.
"
"dad's words that i dreaded: ""go run
and fetch me the whip, boy.""  his son,
i got punishment ample.
my deterrent example
warned the rest not to do what i'd done.
"
"""well, now that's a coincidence!"" came
her response upon learning the same
spiny shrub that was worn
as a crown to adorn
jesus christ is a thorn with his name.
"
"that dude is a breadhead; his prime
motivation is cash.  it's a crime
to profess that you're true
to a cause while the view
from the rear shows a profiting slime.
"
"into bed i was hoping to leap
with a knockout anesthetist.  deep
was my interest, i thought,
but it all was for nought
on our date when she put me to sleep.
"
"""you've expressed your desirousness clearly.
i know that you long for me dearly,""
she said, ""but my gripe
is you're just not my type ?
and i mean that sincerely ? not nearly.""
"
"""waiter, 'scuse me, i wanna be straight
it's minced liver you'll bring on my plate,
not the head of a duck,
because that would be yuck.""
""you're correct: duck pat?, not its pate.""
"
"though my limericks were sucky at first,
constant practice would find me immersed
in meter and rhyme,
which are now at their prime,
as i have them down pat; i'm well-versed.
"
"the american bible society
prints bibles in such a variety
of tongues.  they infuse
all the earth with good news
to assist the expansion of piety.
"
"she didn't expect i'd be capping
the climax last night.  she was clapping.
high achievement was needed.
i reached and exceeded
that point, after which i was napping.
"
"the obvious truth in the room
is the elephant.  don't just assume
that ignoring it's best.
risk that goes unaddressed
can cause problems; what looms can spell doom.
"
"""your relationship's losing its fizz?""
asked my mom, a buttinsky.   it is,
but she constantly peddles
advice as she meddles.
i told her, ""mom, none of your biz.""
"
"i despeeded ? impulsively sent ?
out an e-mail.  oh boy, did i vent!
that won't happen again.
i'll calm down, count to ten.
when the boss read my gripes, out i went.
"
"who's the first person plural?  that's me.
you may wonder, ""but how can that be?""
i opine as a whole,
because spokesman's my role
at the news: editorial we.
"
"the water rose up from the mean sea
and washed out that spider so teensy.
our eight-legged friend,
we assume, met its end.
what's the chance it survived?  eensy-weensy.
"
"they've crowded together for hours
upon hours to fight corporate powers.
they've amassed in large numbers,
forgoing their slumbers
as well as ? pee-ew! ? daily showers.
"
"grampa smiled an edentulous grin
for a photo with all of us kin.
gramma turned with a sneer
and a scold all could hear:
""you old fool!  put your dentures back in!""
"
"though born to the purple (noblesse
is my birthright), i have to confess
that this prince would bring shame
to the family name
were it known i like wearing a dress.
"
"i'm sitting day in and day out
writing limericks; my passion's devout.
asked my mama, ""good lord!
don't you ever get bored?
with no respite, your butt's gonna sprout.""
"
"thus far, i'd no dating success.
as yet, i have failed to impress.
up till now, i'd no clue
why they feel as they do.
then i looked in the mirror ? ""ah, yes.""
"
"our volleyball battle's begun.
we're in shirts; women, skins.  this is fun!
even if we get beat
in this match, it's still sweet.
from our viewpoint, we've already won.
"
"overburdened, i carry the weight
of the world on my shoulders.  so great
are my duties, my worries,
commitments, and flurries
of problems.  they just won't abate!
"
"that pustule that's taking up space
front and center is more than a trace.
that swelling's untamed,
as it's very inflamed.
it's a blain on the nose of your face.
"
"since his lung cancer death, it's befitting
his widow to now be admitting
the cause of it all
with his chain-smoking fall,
bringing home the importance of quitting.
"
"we elected a socialist guy.
he impedes our prosperity.  why?
his bad reputation
has shamed this great nation.
america's got a black eye.
"
"""tell me, where the blue blazes is mel?""
""he decided to rest for a spell,
'cause he said that it's hotter
than blazes.""  ""that rotter!
it's pleasant outside!  what the hell?!""
"
"i'm uneasy with feelings of fear
and repulsion whenever you're near.
you give me the creeps,
a sensation that keeps
me on edge, so i try to steer clear.
"
"no matter what happens, come hell
or high water, the hardships i'll quell.
the path to the moon
may be obstacle-strewn.
ain't no thang.  i'm compelled to excel.
"
"my habit in school was to mock
eager beavers, who worked round the clock.
guess their diligence paid,
'cause they sure have it made.
they're successful. and me? i'm in hock.
"
"bread and circuses work very well
keeping citizens under the spell
of their leaders.  contentment
replaces resentment.
less likely they'll want to rebel.
"
"a brand not referred to by name
is called x.  it's my company's aim
to point out in an ad
why we're good and they're bad.
when brand x is preferred, it's a shame.
"
"as to closeness, you care not a whit.
with regard to the wonderful fit
that we had at the start,
it has all come apart.
so concerning our marriage, i quit.
"
"the asylum committee advised
i be deinstitutionalized.
i'm no longer confined,
'cause they mended my mind
with a frontal lobe portion excised.
"
"my freedom was not in the stars.
the dispatch came in: ""calling all cars,
all those out on patrol,
make your number one goal
nabbing lucas.""  i'm back behind bars.
"
"sue was taught back in health class in school:
practice coitus abstentia.  this rule
she had burned in her mind.
thus, no guys could she find
after all of these years.  silly fool.
"
"your ex-gal says the chances are greater
than lesser that you, when you laid her,
impregnated her.
the paternity's sure:
you're luke's babydaddy, darth vader.
"
"i'm afraid of my shadow; i hold
onto worry and fear, and i fold.
even harmless events
make me nervous and tense.
it's a good thing my shadow is bold.
"
"""when the hoopla abates, then i trust
we will see things more clearly.  the dust
will have settled.  the light
of the future shines bright.""
(good thing time heals our utter disgust.)
"
"asked a girl at that awkward age, ""why
am i moody, self-conscious, and shy?""
said her mother, ""it's early
adolescence.  you'll surely
get through it.  the time will soon fly.""
"
"a drug intervention that day
helped to keep his addiction at bay.
for a while, he was clean.
now i'm cursing the scene
for the encore and close of his play.
"
"jeff conaway acted in grease
and in taxi.  he got his release
from this world.  his addiction
to drugs wasn't fiction,
and rehab fell through.  rest in peace.
"
"i was born in a hurricane, son.
the most difficult work i get done.
i can handle extreme
situations full steam.
but your mom's pms?  that i shun.
"
"when you drive something into the ground,
there's a message you think is profound.
you repeat it so often
but find out you soften
its impact the more that you pound.
"
"you can get there with passion or not.
doesn't matter.  i'm horny and hot,
so come take me.  all roads
lead to rome; different modes
will achieve the same goal.  that's the spot!
"
"one's deeds, right or wrong, are reflected
and judged by the outcomes expected:
consequentialism's core.
we expected much more
from our president; hence, he's ejected.
"
"my old man is a dustman; he picks
up your rubbish.  he found in the mix
some stilettos, a blouse,
skirt, and wig at one house.
now he looks like those street-corner chicks.
"
"in his rocket, we didn't detect
faulty workings.  we thought we had checked,
but i guess we fell short.
now he has to abort.
""throw the chicken switch, charlie!  eject!""
"
"last night, i was burning the breeze
in my caddy; i flew past the trees
at full speed, but i fear
it was just second gear
for that jaguar, which beat me with ease.
"
"bittersweetly, my pleasure was met
with a tinge of both pain and regret.
with the good came the bad.
i felt happy and sad
when i won playing russian roulette.
"
"antigravity houses create
in the mind an illusory state ?
water flowing uphill,
objects clinging at will
to the walls ? 'cause these structures aren't straight.
"
"""that gospel song's great!  how i revel
in god's holy word!"" exclaimed neville.
then he heard the song played
in reverse, and it made
him repulsed; it says ""worship the devil.""
"
"""i know that you live all alone,""
came the whispering voice on the phone.
i went running with fright
on that bitter cold night
and was found doubly chilled to the bone.
"
"the debt crunch has worsened, we see,
yet the president claims he's fault-free.
asked if he's to account
for the rising amount,
he will blamelessly answer, ""who, me?""
"
"""you can't pay for my meal?  i'm disgusted!""
""my work status must be adjusted.
i'm, alas, unemployed
with no savings.  this void
makes this man cold in hand.  babe, i'm busted.""
"
"""life's delightfully fine,"" chuckled chuckie.
""i play every night with my duckie
when taking a bath,
and then, making a path
to my darling in bed, i get lucky.""
"
"respirations were agonal.  beth
was approaching the moment of death.
she tried to explain
that she didn't feel pain ?
""the...term...ag..."" ? but she ran out of breath.
"
"""my dreamboat's my car, well-designed
and luxurious.""  ""really?  i find
that a great-looking guy,
making hormones run high
with insatiable needs, comes to mind.""
"
"with newer technologies steaming
ahead, i'm dragged kicking and screaming.
no use fighting the force
of the future.  the course
to the past just exists when i'm dreaming.
"
"amid the political chatter,
will his alterability matter?
can the voters have trust
he won't change or adjust
what he says?  if he does, will they scatter?
"
"obama's deflecting the blame:
""i direct you to old what's-his-name,
arab spring, gop,
the tsunami, not me.
don't look here.""  what a weasel!  how lame!
"
"""that junk food you need to escape.
this will lead to a healthier shape,""
said a diet prescriber
of soluble fiber,
nuts, greens, and soy protein.  ""go ape.""
"
"inner cities tell many sad tales
of its afro-american males
and their black-on-black crime.
if not dead by the time
that they're thirty, they fill up our jails.
"
"a group called the classics iv places
three songs near the top.  in all cases,
they've only one word
in their titles.  you've heard
of them: ""spooky"" and ""stormy"" and ""traces.""
"
"with malarial fever you're ill,
but you're lacking the typical chill.
dumb ague's the form
that you have (not the norm).
you'll be fine, but just wait for the bill.
"
"no alternative voices ? no halt
from our schools' and pop culture's assault ?
means we must search for sources
that counter these forces
or be liberal drones by default.
"
"you obsess over details so small ?
those are trees ? that they blind you to all
of the forest (the whole).
the big picture's your goal.
with minutiae, your efforts will stall.
"
"cracker-barrel philosophers: folks
who exchange informalities, jokes,
stories, gossip, and more
at the old country store.
simpler times from the past this evokes.
"
"""the fact is, big al, you can't squeeze
any blood from a turnip, so please
let me go!  don't you know
i don't have any dough?""
""let me ask: are you fond of your knees?""
"
"you can't learn to swim without getting
in the water.  you grasp more by letting
experience teach you.
sure, reading can reach you,
but until you dive in, you're just treading.
"
"said a magazine editor, ""staff,
sales are off, as you'll note by this graph.
i'll be scrapping today
our biquarterly way.
we'll print once every month and a half.""
"
"""you're a few slices short of a loaf.""  ""ooh,
that's not very nice.""  ""you're an oaf who
can't face the truth.  lunkhead ?
that's you.  you're a clunkhead.
your brain's soft and mushy like tofu.""
"
"that sex was edenic, no doubt.
pure delight's what i'm talking about.
it's a damn, dirty shame
that i called her friend's name.
now, like paradise lost, i'm cast out.
"
"on tv, silly bloopers we watch
of some actors and lines that they botch
plus the clips of some guys
letting loose with their cries
of great pain when they're hit in the crotch.
"
"the gossip began with you bragging,
""that movie star's sure into shagging.""
i'm the butt now of humor.
the tabloids print rumor.
you've caused many tongues to be wagging.
"
"the castells were a singing quartet.
though the mood for romance they would set,
only two songs came through
('61, '62)
on the charts.  no more hits would they get.
"
"obama's biracial, referred
to as black, though.  a shooting occurred
down in florida; the one
who was holding the gun?
""white hispanic,"" the times says.  absurd.
"
"milk is best if it's used by the date
on the carton.  this morning at 8,
i went down for a cup,
but i nearly threw up.
seems i made me some cafe au late.
"
"there's a beautimous babe in my class.
she walks by, and guys' heads turn en masse.
though her looks are first-rate,
when i asked for a date,
she, alas, told me coldly, ""i'll pass.""
"
"my boomerang kid had a knack
of returning, 'cause money he'd lack
to pay bills.  now i'm thrilled;
early curfew has killed
any chance that he'll find his way back.
"
"number 12 (both u.s. and u.k.),
""gimme gimme good lovin'"" would stay
on the charts for a time,
but with no other climb,
crazy elephant faded away.
"
"""i pine for a hookup with beth.""
""kev, keep dreaming.  more likely, your death
will come first, so don't wait
for some dubious date.
she's not into you.  don't hold your breath.""
"
"we're down with the plan to abort
his harsh reign; we're in total support.
shouting ""down with his ass
and the other top brass!""
we'll get rid of the king and his court.
"
"it seems god up above, the great giver
of blessings, gives nary a sliver
to me.  all my prayers
are ignored, like ""who cares?""
so i ask him, ""what am i, chopped liver?""
"
"since his wife died, he stares into space,
profound hopelessness etched on his face.
he despondently goes
through the motions.  he knows
in this world nothing's left to embrace.
"
"i'm facing a false allegation.
it doesn't have any foundation
in fact.  someone faceless
gave rise to this baseless
assertion ? complete fabrication.
"
"after dad's sudden death, brother fred
said, ""i'll go through his stuff,"" which then led
to me shouting, ""goddamn!
just be quiet or scram!
you're a freeloader, fred.  so drop dead!""
"
"you've made my drop-dead list.  we're through.
i could happily live without you.
annoying as ever,
you've forced me to sever
our ties.  big mistake, that ""i do.""
"
"""you're outstandingly gorgeous: drop-dead.
i don't mean to show envy,"" sue said.
""beth, your beauty's inspiring
my awe.  i'm desiring
to kiss you and take you to bed.""
"
"with my friend, i agreed to compete
in a race, although neither got beat.
when we finished our run
in the hot desert sun,
we were both number one: a dead heat.
"
"""i converted the code to plain text,""
a decipherer said.  ""now what's next
are the much tougher reads
of the wants and the needs
of a woman.  that's got me perplexed.""
"
"bikini-clad babes, heaven knows,
rank right under hot models who pose
for those zines where the themes
mirror most of my dreams
in which women don't wear any clothes.
"
"sister rose leads a life black and white.
diverse interests she has when it's light.
when the moon's out, the same
beastly rut is her game;
she's a creature of habit by night.
"
"since that shipment came in, we're in tears
here at madame tussauds.  it appears
we've an oversupply ?
i mean way over.  why,
we have wax coming out of our ears!
"
"""depressed?"" asked my shrink.  ""feeling blue?
try some bibliotherapy.  do.
read self-help ? it can heal ?
and then write what you feel.""
""hell, then why am i talking to you?""
"
"in my cupboards was junk food (a glut).
i stopped buying it.  look at my gut,
how it's shrunk.  have you checked
my behind?  in effect,
i have asslessness; gone is my butt.
"
"that boy genius is something to see.
innovative and clever is he.
i work for that whiz kid.
that sure-knows-his-biz kid
makes billions.  some trickles to me.
"
"at that party, i spoke without tact:
dropped a brick.  social graces i lacked.
indiscreetly, i blurted
some things quite perverted.
freed genies we cannot redact.
"
"""that meat that i cooked is a hit.
it was roasted just right on a spit.
no part did i burn.
it was done to a turn.""
""take the hint, braggart; know when to quit.""
"
"""jesus christ resurrected?  get out!
what's this nonsense you're talking about?""
thomas asked.  ""i demand
to bear witness first-hand.
till i see for my own self, i'll doubt.""
"
"they'd only one hit they could claim;
""she's the one"" brought the chartbusters fame.
this band from d.c.
only hit 33;
thus, they didn't live up to their name.
"
"""this secret's between you and me.
what i told you is on the q.t.
so i'm begging you, don't
breathe a word.""  ""oh, i won't.
i can keep my mouth shut...for a fee.""
"
"feeling all cock-a-hoop with libation
in hand, a drunk man in elation
had pridefully toasted
himself as he boasted,
""to me!  what?  no standing ovation?""
"
"though i saw you two kiss, you're maintaining
your innocence, sadly explaining,
""he's kin.""  kin don't kiss
quite like that, so don't piss
on my leg and then tell me it's raining.
"
"grandma shouted, ""we never have fun,
you conventional killjoy!  we're done!
your tedious life
has just cost you a wife!
what a boring old fart!  gotta run.""
"
"my mentor has taught me enough,
so i'm dropping the pilot.  the stuff
that i learned paved the way.
i can manage today
on my own.  what i don't know, i'll bluff.
"
"i'm drowning my sorrows each night.
lost love is the crux of my plight.
i escape from my blues
with the help of strong booze.
it brings comfort, though fleeting and slight.
"
"my pre-arranged husband's todd rodham.
my parents asked, ""know where we got him?""
he's the dregs and a sap,
lazy ass piece of crap.
""let me guess.  from a barrel, the bottom.""
"
"from her barrow, sweet molly malone
hawked her mollusks; her voice was well-known.
though to fever we lost her,
the ghost of this coster
still cries with a loud mussel tone.
"
"the bubblegum band 1910
fruitgum company scored way back when.
the public was sold
on three songs (they went gold).
now the group is back at it again.
"
"see those actresses looking their best
at the oscars?  i'm very impressed
that they're dressed to the nines
in their gucci designs,
even more so when showing some chest.
"
"i arrived at the polls: 8 a.m.,
a closed primary. i, as a dem,
was permitted to vote
when the worker took note
of my party. (i'm not one of them.)
"
"a movie they put on the shelf
stars hugh beaumont, who's playing an elf.
tony dow has a role;
he's a miner of coal.
jerry mathers appears as himself.
"
"that captivator had me enamored.
""w-w-wow! you're s-something!"" i stammered.
we went back to my place.
in the morning, no trace
of her beauty was left. (i'd been hammered.)
"
"joe the astronaut said, ""there's a place,
beyond gravity's earthly embrace,
that i love, and my dear,
you've a place right down here
that reminds me so much of deep space.""
"
"i look at the dime stores that went
by the wayside and how much we spent
when compared to today.
it's a crime!  what we pay
has inflated 900 percent.
"
"dull and ugly is zelda, the bride
of a square, inept groom known as clyde.
he's so rude and so stupid,
but love joined by cupid
is blind sometimes, brains cast aside.
"
"my eulogy written for dad,
while no masterpiece, wasn't half bad.
lots of tinkering made
it fall flat, i'm afraid:
dbt.  shoulda kept what i had.
"
"lincoln, washington, jackson, and grant
are dead presidents.  two others can't
claim to ever have led
the u.s., 'cause they're dead;
but deny them cash portraits?  we shan't.
"
"after going through change that was sizable,
our country is unrecognizable.
we didn't expect
it so god-awfully wrecked,
so more change come this fall is advisable.
"
"on oedilf, i went nearly ballistic
(behavior uncharacteristic)
when i saw anti-'til.
made-up words are pure swill!
call my stance anti-neologistic.
"
"bypass congress!  hey, that's what i'll do
to ensure my agenda gets through.
i'll neglect to consult,
because i'm the adult
in the room, thus the smartest there too.
"
"oklahoma's miss bryant won praise.
making music then filled up her days.
later on, she was selling
some juice and then telling
us not to grant rights to the gays.
"
"tom made time for young eddie, his son
and best friend, who was second to none.
believing his dad
should remarry, the lad
was a schemer toward getting that done.
"
"last night i heard santa afoot.
now i see, 'neath our tree, that he put
lots of gifts. mommy's riled,
'cause the carpet's defiled;
it's begrimed: thickly covered with soot.
"
"what i told you in private you turned
right around and you blabbed.  i got burned.
i had meant that to be
just between you and me
and the lamppost.  get lost.  lesson learned.
"
"the bobbettes had one hit: ""mr. lee""
(number one for four weeks, r&b;
number 6, charting pop).
then ? boom! boom! ? call a cop!
from this world, mr. lee was set free.
"
"""you asked for the moon?  you're insane!""
""maybe so.  still it worked to my gain.
my six-figure demand
was dismissed out of hand,
so i left...on the company plane.""
"
"the chiffons jumped right out of the gate:
""he's so fine"" (number 1 four weeks straight).
two more top-ten elite:
""one fine day"" and their ""sweet
talkin' guy.""  all these songs are first-rate.
"
"a tedious pattern i find
every day at my job.  it's the kind
where i pulverize flour
each hour upon hour.
i'm not bred for the mill's daily grind.
"
"it seems publishers don't like my style.
they consider my limericks vile.
more than once i've heard back
that they're just not worth jack
and were thrown in the circular file.
"
"i belong to my father and mother,
and so do my sister and brother.
i was asked by a girl
if i'd give her a whirl.
i said, ""no.  i belong to another.""
"
"the caterers came with much food,
and a fine epulation ensued
when the host said, ""dig in.""
i know gluttony's sin,
but i just didn't want to be rude.
"
"build a coal-powered plant?  yes, you can.
just remember the president's plan:
huge emissions of gas
gonna bankrupt yo ass,
'cause he isn't a fossil fuel fan.
"
"with time running out in the gym,
the chance of us winning was slim.
i took the last shot.
what a hook!  what i got
was all net, never touching the rim.
"
"not all of the comics on staff
at my comedy club make me laugh.
i'll make cutbacks.  i'll clear
those i deem second tier,
trim the fat on my patrons' behalf.
"
"coulrophobia, most experts say,
isn't recognized.  please put away
all your fears of my nose,
my huge feet, and wild clothes,
'cause this clown needs some lovin'.  hey!  hey!
"
"the classics were happy to croon
the old standards, for instance, ""blue moon,""
which had reached the top 50;
but even more nifty,
""till then"" was a top-20 tune.
"
"milton berle said, ""that joke that i told?
punch it up with some chuckles of old.""
so the soundman came through
with canned laughter on cue.
""see?  i told you that joke was pure gold.""
"
"if terrorist nations attack
the u.s., i say bomb 'em right back
to the stone age; come through
with an a-bomb or two,
so they're sent on a primitive track.
"
"""i'm an expert in biblical lore.
the good book has a literal core,""
said a biblicist.  ""god
can do all; it's not odd.
laws of nature i simply ignore.""
"
"""honey, how do i look in this dress?""
""i could care less.""  ""you couldn't care less.
unconcerned to the max,
with an interest quite lax,
you don't give a damn.""  ""sorry, but yes.""
"
"i was told by the store clerk, ""it's clear
you've not reached yet your twenty-first year.
you're not drinking age.""  (sigh!)
guys, the closest supply
i could buy for the kegger?  near beer.
"
"take my word: no excitement's in store.
your date's hot, but she's really a bore.
she couldn't be duller.
she doesn't have color.
your interest will fly out the door.
"
"my mom and dad constantly fought
and expected support from me.  caught
in the middle, i tried
to take neither one's side.
how adeptly my role models taught!
"
"philanthropists often endow
worthy causes with money, like now
with that gal's sugardaddy
who bought her a caddy
as well as two cup sizes.  wow!
"
"my means of support is in utter
suspension; my life's bread and butter
was recently cut.
several doors i've found shut.
i'm just one step away from the gutter.
"
"i had showed you and thought that you learnt
how to cook cajun fish, but you weren't
really paying much heed.
a hot skillet you need.
the term blackened means ""seared.""  this is burnt.
"
"with their music, the doors would ascend;
their lps going gold was a trend.
but jim morrison, lead,
was a wild man indeed.
before long, he broke through to the end.
"
"wow, that barmaid is buxom!  by far,
the most full-bosomed babe in the bar.
have you noticed her tag
just above her right bag?
it says ""melanie.""  yes, they sure are!
"
"mama, doc says i need to decrease
all the fats that i eat.  i'm obese
(that's his term); but i know
i'm big-boned, so just go
on and keep cooking dinners in grease.
"
"well-intentioned incompetence reigns
on the highway to hell, with no gains
in the poverty war:
trillions spent.  ""let's give more,""
says the left ? they're all heart and no brains.
"
"it's a constant political game
that the democrats play.  they're to blame
for our woes, which is why
i won't vote for the guy
or the gal with a ""d"" by their name.
"
"said urology patient, max hubble,
""my pee stream is coming out double.
one hits the bowl fine,
but the stray makes a line
for the floor.""  said the doc, ""urine trouble.""
"
"my considerableness doesn't equate
to my import, like top heads of state.
(a king and the potus
deserve much more notice.)
instead, i refer to my weight.
"
"chronologic events are arranged
in a timeline: at first we exchanged
our numbers, then dated,
engaged, became mated,
fought once ? now we're sadly estranged.
"
"i testified one day in court,
where i gave an earwitness report:
""what i heard weren't the cries
right before someone dies;
they were more of the sexual sort.""
"
"i'm in trouble and, boy, does it sting!
the majority party (left wing)
raised my taxes.  know what?
it's a kick in the butt.
nearly broke, i've my ass in a sling.
"
"i'm a kook, nearly all will agree.
but my past is my benchmark, you see,
and i'm always this strange.
thus, there hasn't been change
from my baseline.  weird's normal for me.
"
"there's only so much i can take
till i come to a point where i break.
when you bitch, whine, and moan
in that loud, piercing tone,
then my sanity's what is at stake.
"
"please leave.  don't come by anymore.
you're unwelcome.  i gave you a chore:
paint my porch a bright red.
you screwed that up!  instead
you used black.  never darken my door!
"
"andrew breitbart made many a dig
at the left in his six-website gig.
his fight from the right
beamed a bright-shining light,
and the underreported got big.
"
"where'd you hear that?  i'm calling you out
on that bullshit you mindlessly spout.
i confront you, of course,
'cause i challenge your source:
left-wing bias is what they're about.
"
"""freeze and don't move a muscle!  stand still,""
yelled a guard, ""or i'll shoot you to kill!""
thought the motionless felon,
""this itch is pure hell, 'n'
not scratching takes all of my will.""
"
"yelled the patron, ""my soup has a fly!""
in surprise came my echoed reply
in a question: ""your soup
has a fly?  here's a scoop.
care to try, on the house, shoo-fly pie?""
"
"""i've got tingling and burning sensations,
a headache, tight jaw, palpitations,
and dizziness.""  ""we
just had lunch at xing li.
could it be msg complications?""
"
"he's blamelessly limping along.
he can't possibly be in the wrong
for the mess that we're in.
who's at fault?  watch him pin
his detractors, of which there's a throng.
"
"as a prom date, would andy take mandy
or sandy? who made him more randy?
uncertain, betwixt
and between, he got nixed
by them both for not choosing. just dandy!
"
"when a code is announced, someone's heart
has just stopped.  our response team will dart
through the halls.  soon we're there
with emergency care
and the hope that their heart will restart.
"
"said the candidate out on the stump,
""since our party's assembly, a jump
in the polls to our side
shows a shift in the tide,
and we'll ride this conventional bump.""
"
"though my dog's life, unpleasant and wretched,
was stressing me out for a stretch, it,
thank god, turned around.
there is joy to be found.
all it takes is for one to go fetch it.
"
"in a process that's called chain migration,
my father had come to this nation,
found work and a town,
where like folk settled down.
then came family reunification.
"
"though the hemorrhaging's slowed to a trickle,
we're finding recovery fickle.
hey, but don't rock the boat
in the fall with your vote.
any change puts us worse in a pickle.
"
"""this brotherly love is a crock,""
said a philly outsider.  ""you mock
my hometown?  william penn
named this city back when,""
i informed him.  i then cleaned his clock.
"
"can't you see that i crave copulation?
your reticence causes frustration.
i've made myself clear:
get your butt over here.
do you need an engraved invitation?
"
"camp in cardboard box city one night,
and experience briefly the plight
of the homeless; sleep rough.
you'll think once is enough.
is such empathy knowledge?  not quite.
"
"appearing on capitol hill,
sandy said, ""i can't pay for the pill.
i would like to get laid
with my birth control paid.
let insurance take care of the bill.""
"
"my twin daughters are gay. this i hate.
would conversion make gayness abate?
though it worked (they denied
who they were deep inside),
they reverted. i can't keep 'em straight.
"
"the ego-ideal as our guide
brings accomplishment, value, and pride.
good behavior we ape,
and we let it take shape
as we try to cast badness aside.
"
"the economy's stuck in a hole.
unemployment is taking its toll.
listen, congress: get wise
to what's primary, guys.
bread-and-butter concerns are your role.
"
"you're adherently sticking like glue.
you remind me of cling wrap, you do.
you're attached at my hip.
baby, loosen your grip.
give me space or, my darling, we're through.
"
"the brothers four jumped on the scene
with a song about fields that, once green,
became parched by the sun ?
almost made number one.
then they sang for the big and small screen.
"
"oh, you great comprehensor, you've come
to full knowledge; you've mastered the sum.
that includes what you know
about me. if you go
to my folks' and i'm mentioned, play dumb.
"
"said a midwife in ages medieval,
""dear god, we face major upheaval.
the spawn comes from semen
supplied by a demon.
deliver this baby from evil.""
"
"""i'm for $8 gas.  that would wean
us from fossil fuel use to go green,""
steven chu had once said.
an election's ahead.
now that mindset's completely wiped clean.
"
"will choosing that senator rate
with floridians?  help to create
some excitement?  we'll see
if that pick for vp
gives an edge and delivers the state.
"
"in faye's eagle-eyed sight, there's no blur
when she monitors things that occur
on the block.  all is seen,
as her vision is keen.
big brother's got nothing on her.
"
"to my first wife came bodily harm,
and my second, alas, bought the farm.
will my luck turn around?
there's a pen pal i found
from my cell.  maybe third time's a charm.
"
"""the republicans really don't care.
they want dirtier water and air.
plus, the sick, poor, and old
they'll kick out in the cold.""
demagoguery: trying to scare.
"
"a compromise reached in this nation
abridged the south's slave population.
three-fifths human?  no.  clout
is what this was about,
namely, taxes and representation.
"
"unexpectedly coming her way
was the curveball i tossed out today:
""gayle, i'm gay.""  she yelled, ""wait!
what the hell?  you're not straight?
in the other team's ballpark you play?""
"
"my antejentacular rise
in the morning should be no surprise,
but the thing that amazes?
my breakfast most days is
a burger with soda and fries.
"
"i'm in stunned disbelief.  am i seeing
an extraterrestrial being?
it's right by those trees.
""earthling, privacy, please.
do you mind?  can't you see that i'm peeing?""
"
"the byrds were a band from l.a.
jim mcguinn (later roger) would play
with his mates and sing lead.
dylan planted the seed,
as did lennon; then fame came their way.
"
"john belushi, a comedy crafter,
on saturday nights, brought us laughter,
then on film with a frat
and a blues band.  this cat,
much too soon, left to greet the hereafter.
"
"""sell your parakeet"" ? these were harsh words
from my doctor.  ""don't hang around birds.
you've got breathlessness, chills,
cough, and fever; these ills
come from bird breeder's lung, breathing turds.""
"
"a big earthquake brought havoc; it tore
down some buildings.  now corpses galore
we retrieve from the rubble.
dead bodies are trouble
with weights of 300 or more.
"
"creative destruction's mutation
that accompanies marked innovation.
something new comes along,
and old firms, not so strong,
must improve or else face liquidation.
"
"you look awfully familiar, my sweet.
come to think of it, didn't we meet
by the curb that one night?
on reflection, i'm right.
i remember... i saved the receipt.
"
"mom was thin all her life.  now she's fat.
i'm her son, and i helped her with that.
she's not baby weight free
since delivering me.
all her diet attempts?  they fell flat.
"
"there once was a five-and-dime shopper
who hollered, ""my money!  please stop her!
that lady just stole,
from my pocket, a roll
full of pennies!  i'm calling a copper!""
"
"an emergency manager leads
in an effort to clear out the weeds
of a poorly run city.
detroit (what a pity)
impedes what it needs as it bleeds.
"
"i'm bequeathing a corneal prize
to an eye bank upon my demise.
then a surgeon can make
one with vision opaque
come to look at the world through my eyes.
"
"the flames from the arsons were hearty
last halloween eve.  my friend artie
fell victim to one
whose sick notion of fun
is a devil's night house warming party.
"
"ohio's a bellwether state.
its electors will choose on that date
in the fall, it appears,
winners every four years.
jfk was the last to dodge fate.
"
"dish detergent inspired the name
of the group the cascades, who became
one-hit wonders (sensations
in 80-plus nations).
a song about rain spurred this fame.
"
"easygoing, i'm calm and relaxed.
with stress, i'm not overly taxed.
i'm without undue worry.
my pace shows no hurry.
if rigors arise, they get axed.
"
"who will manage this castle i built
with their duties fulfilled to the hilt?
between two i must choose.
sorry, earl, but you lose.
the chamberlainship goes to wilt.
"
"""he looks like he's up to no good.
he looks black,"" said george zimmerman.  could
that be true?  not quite.  credit
the nbc edit;
spliced words made him misunderstood.
"
"the butcher of baghdad was known
to have savagely slaughtered his own.
these crimes inhumane
brought the heinous hussein
to his fate: down in lucifer's zone.
"
"said my screener, ""a guy on line three
claims he's god.""  so i took it to see.
boomed a voice loud and clear,
""your time's done on this sphere!
son, i'm calling you home!  come with me!""
"
"my day in the sun came and went.
my time in the limelight is spent.
i received much attention,
now don't get a mention
'cept ""where are they now?"" (the extent).
"
"the everly brothers could sing.
with their countrified pop, they took wing,
had a boatload of hits,
hit a lull, called it quits,
then again they got back in the swing.
"
"that enlargement she got has enhanced
both her boobs, and the guys are entranced.
but ? good god ? she's the kind
who, when speaking their mind,
doesn't say much; she's not too advanced.
"
"states are battleground, purple, or swing
if not solidly right or left wing.
they could go either way.
thus, the candidates pay
several trips for the votes these states bring.
"
"""it looks like you're pitching a tepee.
drop your drawers.  let me feel that big peepee,""
the urologist said.
but instead i just fled.
i don't strip for no doc who is creepy.
"
"i was down for the count.  now i'm back
on my feet.  once again, i'm on track.
since i got turned around
from my time on the ground,
i'm much closer to getting the knack.
"
"a fever i'd get when you'd hold
me so tight, but my temp is controlled
since you cheated on me.
i'm afebrile, you see,
and your touch, in fact, now leaves me cold.
"
"i just die at the comedy club.
seems my jokes, far from par, are way sub.
crickets chirp; all is still,
as the laughter is nil,
which reminds me i'm only a scrub.
"
"a condomless roll in the hay
worried kay with her menses delay.
she cries out, now unstressed
since her pregnancy test,
""boy, i sure dodged a bullet that day!""
"
"i took cackleberries out of the carton,
boiled, and peeled 'em.  egg salad i'm startin'
with mayo and relish.
it's swell, but what's hellish?
the smells that come later from fartin'.
"
"in his pocket, the prez has the press.
they report with such fawning excess.
he's a rock star; they're roadies.
they're boot-licking toadies,
and meanwhile, we trust in them less.
"
"the folks up in lambeau will scoff
at opponents.  the giants (cough, cough)
brought disgust to this crowd
with a trouncing.  real loud
were their boos; packer fans were cheesed off.
"
"""the irregular shape of this spot
means it's blotchily made, does it not?""
""ooh-ooh-ooooh!"" ""mr. horshack?""
""that ink stain by rorschach
looks just like a birthmark i got.""
"
"a hot bookkeeper had to announce
to two fools that she deals with amounts:
""i add and subtract
in a balancing act.
double-entry pertains to accounts.""
"
"""that charades-obsessed guy's gonna throw
a big party tonight.  wanna go?""
""what?  that pantomime geek,
who just acts and won't speak,
and we guess words and phrases?  uh, no.""
"
"neither fire nor water nor air
made this year's astrological fair.
but i did see a chorus
of capricorn, taurus,
and virgo: the earth signs were there.
"
"here's the story of abbey and abey:
he asked her, ""will you be my baby?""
""quite possibly, yes!""
was her answer.  his guess
was correct: ""that's a definite maybe!""
"
"the last supper accounts exclude fred.
this forgotten apostle broke bread
with the rest, but his toast ?
a bad pun: ""to our host!
get it?  host?"" ? made them mad, so he fled.
"
"her ""send in the clowns"" i recall,
and of course ""both sides now"" wasn't small,
and ""amazing grace"" too.
besides these ? yes, it's true ?
i don't know judy collins at all.
"
"in a bye week, the teams with the best
season records per conference will rest.
then they host the next round
in the playoffs.  teams bound
for the super bowl pass every test.
"
"one night, i was having a swig,
when the cops came to raid our blind pig,
where the alcohol sale
was illegal.  the scale
of the riot that followed was big.
"
"""dumb and silent"" we'll be if we're bled
of our speech freedom, washington said.
if absence of voice
is the dictator's choice,
then, like sheep to the slaughter, we're led.
"
"i would commonly catch 40 winks
at my job till the boss said, ""methinks
someone new won't perhaps
be so prone to quick naps.""
i'm so sleep-deprived now.  this job stinks.
"
"candlewasters of old stayed up late
with their studies as flame would abate
from a candle.  today
we can study by way
of a lightbulb or two.  ain't that great?
"
"at the bus stop, we'd wait in the rain
for the bus.  people called us insane
for our flirting while waiting.
it led to us dating,
and now, a new name she will gain.
"
"i met anne in the clubhouse one day.
she resembles a cow.  i asked, ""hey,
what's your board game of choice?""
thinking best not to voice:
""cowy anne, what's your game?  can i play?""
"
"a pact with the devil was sworn,
cursing haiti the day it was born.
corrupt leaders have reigned.
now this earthquake has drained
further hope it will see a new morn.
"
"just the lamppost was listening in.
now i meet your loose lips with chagrin,
as it's all over twitter
and facebook.  i'm bitter.
you blabbed; you've been wagging your chin.
"
"""how you think, learn, perceive, recollect ?
these are qualities i can detect,""
said my date. that's some gall!
she knew pretty much all.
bet my leaving she didn't expect.
"
"hear her purr when i start the ignition.
my '64 ford acquisition
is running just fine,
like she's right off the line;
i've restored her to cherry condition.
"
"this inventor, known hither and yon
as the greatest, would happen upon
a great notion.  that's when
thomas edison then
had an overhead light bulb go on.
"
"joey dee and the starliters played
at the peppermint lounge, where they paid
the place tribute in song.
on the charts, before long,
they'd see ""peppermint twist"" get top grade.
"
"most everyone knows you don't dare a bull.
in a similar vein, it's a terrible
resolve you incite
if you're picking a fight
with one dormant whose might is unbearable.
"
"the essex, with ""easier said
than done"" ('63), went ahead
of the rest.  also strong
was a follow-up song.
after that, though, the hit line went dead.
"
"with this limerick, you're certain to learn
that the ebony spleenwort's a fern
with dark stalks and has ladder-
like leaves.  does this matter
to you?  that is not my concern.
"
"with my broad-based campaign, i can't lose.
vast political spectrums i use
to gain needed support.
there's one rule: when you court
a wide cross-section, tailor your views.
"
"my blonde girlfriend, a little bit queer,
doesn't think ""when day's dawning is here""
is what's meant by auroral:
""prefix aur-, suffix -oral
pertains to you nibbling my ear.""
"
"with dressing, a turkey you stuff;
you decide what amount is enough
to enhance salad taste;
and this act's done in haste
when you find you've been viewed in the buff.
"
"a collection of various kinds,
oft at odds, is the congress.  what binds
this assortment together
like birds of a feather?
a vote for a pay raise ? like minds.
"
"the cosmos, when reaching the max
in its size from expansion, contracts.
gravitational force
makes all matter switch course
and implode.  down the road though.  relax.
"
"charm offensive: a kind of campaign
where one flatters, cajoles, tries to gain
people's favor and trust.
those in politics must
use this craft so support doesn't wane.
"
"you're not really a brother, rg.
true blackness is nowhere to see.
from groupthink you stray,
you've a white fiancee,
and you probably vote gop.
"
"said nymphomaniacal gwen, ""some
have noted i'm deep into men some,
but they estimate low ?
maybe 80 or so
that i've slept with.  keep going.  and then some.""
"
"since the day you departed the scene,
i've been brainsick (diseased in the bean).
i'm demented and mad.
any sense that i had
in my head's been completely wiped clean.
"
"my animal nature shows through
in the bedroom. you know what to do
to unleash my wild beast;
my libido's increased
with a creaturely craving for you.
"
"what are coolerators?  fridges of old.
kinda small, not a lot would they hold.
mama food shopped each day
'cause it vanished.  she'd say,
""well, at least our food never grows mold.""
"
"""i was feeling left out,"" said mcguinn.
""all my buddies from high school had been
in the army, and so
when we meet now, i go
wearing camo: i want to blend in.""
"
"my guilt got the better of me,
and i had to come clean: ""well, you see,
truth be told, i've been keeping
a secret: i'm sleeping
around; it's a pre-marriage spree.""
"
"""depressed?"" said my shrink. ""feeling blue?""
(well, duh! aren't i talking to you?)
""certain books can be healing ?
they'll improve how you're feeling.""
(what i feel is you ain't got a clue!)
"
"you dwell on your failures and pout.
then it falls on deaf ears when i shout
all the time not to beat
yourself up.  i'll repeat
it no longer, so knock yourself out.
"
"a restaurant's now in the news
for a matter it cannot excuse.
when a three-year-old kid
said, ""a drinky-poo,"" sid,
the dumb waiter, came back with some booze.
"
"i look at my life in review
as you ask, ""what one triumph shows through?""
oh, my daughter colleen,
you're my jewel, my queen,
so my crowning achievement is you.
"
"like a home's highest space is the attic,
the level i've reached is acmatic.
i speak of a peak
in my carnal technique,
making women i sleep with ecstatic.
"
"""bases loaded, two outs.  it's on me
to come through,"" thought mcwhiff.  but with three
pitches swung at and missed,
the crowd booed.  one quite pissed
yelled, ""you're blind as a bat!  you can't see!""
"
"extinguished before it began
was my plan to get busy with ann,
the town nympho.  she shot
down my notion: ""i'm not
putting out for just any old man.""
"
"there's a crackdown on sugar.  that means
we'll see candy-less vending machines.
severe measures they'll force
down our throats.  we of course
can just starve or eat tofu and greens.
"
"al jazeera bought current tv,
which was led by our former v.p.
from a mindset progressive
to anti-u.s.-ive ?
no difference as far as i see.
"
"that empiric (unqualified hack
with no obvious curative knack)
on the hospital's roster
is just an imposter
whose license needs lifting, that quack.
"
"ecce homo: in art, a depiction
of a thorny-crowned christ post conviction
(from biblical text).
we all know what came next
for the man: meeting fate (crucifixion).
"
"i'd assist, with a kneel and a bow,
with whatever the priests would allow
when they gave sunday mass.
but my values turned crass
over time; i'm no altar boy now.
"
"the equals (two white and three black)
combined pop, rock, and reggae.  one track
by this group from great britain
had fans the most smitten:
the chart topper ""baby, come back.""
"
"my boyfriend's a ghost.  yes, it's true.
every night in my bedroom, we screw.
you think that's strange?  what's heard
neath the sheets?  not a word.
when he's with me, he doesn't say boo.
"
"the shadow he left is long-cast.
his societal impact was vast.
he belongs to the ages,
on history's pages,
indelibly part of the past.
"
"a conclave, in secretive cloak,
meets to choose from its ranks the one bloke
who will change his profession
to pope.  from this session,
their choice always goes up in smoke.
"
"i'm employed in an office.  i suffer
the life of an envelope stuffer.
with my duties low-grade,
i'm a man who's low-paid.
i can't build a retirement buffer.
"
"for a time, the association was great:
'66, '67 & 8.
this band of six men
had five hits, all top ten.
after that, their success would deflate.
"
"all alone on a see-saw sat sy,
when along came a big, burly guy,
who said, ""i'll be your counterweight.""
yelling ""don't mount 'er!  wait!""
sy was too late.  see him fly.
"
"i belonged to a group that was choral.
discordful, we'd frequently quarrel.
at issue? my voice.
seems they couldn't rejoice
in god's praise hearing sounds deemed immoral.
"
"""do tell.""  i had meant: ""is that so?""
my detachment i hoped didn't show.
this politeness to you
was misread as a cue
to pour forth with more details.  oh, no!
"
"""i endow a blank check,"" so decrees
my old man.  ""you can do as you please.
you have freedom unbound.""
but a jeer's what i found
when i reached as he dangled his keys.
"
"with ""speedo,"" the cadillacs hit,
then with ""rudolph.""  discord caused a split
into two groups, but then,
brought together again,
they had ""peek-a-boo"" chart.  that was it.
"
"politicians will speak in a way
indirect.  it's a game that they play:
an unpopular word
such as tax becomes heard
as investment.  they couch what they say.
"
"i would vote for a merchant of smut,
or that guy down the street who's a nut,
or my daughter who's four.
get the picture?  no more
of the same.  i want anyone but.
"
"this drink that i'm holding of brandy
with sugar and lemon is dandy.
but i'd much rather hold
other bimbos.  i'm sold
on those vacuous babes who are randy.
"
"a parachute jumper he's not.
in this movie, no airplane you'll spot.
there's no free-falling guy
dropping out of the sky.
that's a chutist.  this shootist gets shot.
"
"""per their dress code, they couldn't refuse
giving service, your honor.""  ""you lose.
something else they had meant
by that sign.  when you went,
you wore only a shirt and some shoes.""
"
"though delayed, the result of us going
to bed some weeks back we're now knowing.
it's gonna be soon,
maybe some time in june,
when the aftereffect you start showing.
"
"""you're obese.""  ""mama calls me big-boned.""
""in my office, that term's not condoned.
see the scale?  i'll be straight:
you're just too overweight.
cut out fats ? this helps death be postponed.""
"
"soft rock is what cymarron played,
and their one big song, ""rings,"" made the grade
when it broke through the top
20 songs charting pop;
but they had no more hits, i'm afraid.
"
"""in my other job, i'm a recorder
of things as they happened: a sorter
of facts from the past
from the first to the last,""
said the waitress who wrote down my order.
"
"that promiscuous daughter of yours
is a nympho ? out looking for scores,
always sex on the mind.
any man she can find
brings the prospect of dropping her drawers.
"
"with no jobs in my field, it was wise
that this graduate thought to devise
a contingency plan.
i'm a practical man,
not too proud.  ""so with that, you want fries?""
"
"fine matter collects to embrace
and form clouds; they're all over the place
on a much higher sphere.
cosmic dust we have here,
so it's good there's a vacuum in space.
"
"my waiter is one of those guys
who serves up such a sight to these eyes.
now i learn that this beaut,
who's deliciously cute,
isn't gay, and a part of me dies.
"
"the congresses past can't demand
that we follow what's deemed a dead hand.
though each house can address
and rid rules that oppress,
we're all bound to one law of the land.
"
"from an overbooked flight, i got bumped.
(it's a popular airline.)  i jumped
on a later flight.  there,
as we cruised in the air
miles high, all us passengers humped.
"
"i'm part of an atheist squad
of performers.  the concept is odd,
as revealed in the skit
where we ponder a bit,
entertaining the notion of god.
"
"i keep cinnabar moths out in back.
callimorpha are large, red, and black.
they lay eggs in large batches,
and when the brood hatches,
on leaves of the ragwort they snack.
"
"power shovels dig sediment massed
in the waterways where it was cast.
this got me to thinkin':
that city that's incan
and lost ? can one dredge up the past?
"
"i've extremely thick lenses.  don't drink
from my coke bottle glasses.  ya think?
poor eyesight's my lot.
it's ironic: i got
new employment at pepsico inc.
"
"brittany spaniels have tails that are short
and have coats of the reddish-brown sort
or else orange and white.
large and active, they're quite
good if hunting for fowl is your sport.
"
"my discipline's history, class.
that's my branch of instruction.  you'll pass
if you do all the work.
if the work, though, you shirk,
you'll be history: out on your ass.
"
"this burnout? it can't be ignored.
overworked? no. i'm overly bored.
i just gotta break clean
from long years of routine.
if i don't, then just shoot me. good lord!
"
"i divided, bisectionally, tarts
and then turned to my friend who has smarts,
and i queried him, ""what
do we have that i cut?""
he responded, ""we halve equal parts.""
"
"biosocially, forces combine.
they're behind this affliction of mine.
dna made me fat,
though it doesn't help that
it's on junk food i'm most apt to dine.
"
"you engage in such risky behavior:
you're dancing with death.  you can wave your
existence goodbye,
'cause the chances are high
tempting fate means you'll soon meet your savior.
"
"there once was a flasher named todd
who was cuffed for exposing his rod.
""sorry, pal,"" said a cop.
""if you don't want to stop,
go to nudist camps: show your whole bod.""
"
"the edsels were named for a car.
like the car, they din't go very far ?
just one hit, but a pearl
of a song 'bout a girl
with a name that is pretty bizarre.
"
"don't look back in the journey of life.
you should learn from your troubles and strife
but then put them to bed.
keep your eyes straight ahead.
just recall what became of lot's wife.
"
"""i'm alert, and i listen intently
to all that occurs.""  ""evidently,
your ear to the ground
let in nary a sound
as a hoodlum drove off in my bentley!""
"
"""at airports, what's not an okay word
is checked,"" i informed my kid hayward.
""your bag should go in
a plane's overhead bin.
son, a carry-on doesn't go wayward.""
"
"when infants go poo or go pee,
they get changed.  your mistake, my ch?rie,
is to try to wipe clean
any ""flaws"" that you've seen
in attempts at refashioning me.
"
"""there are forces at work,"" said our pastor.
""a plan was designed by our master.
it's in full operation.
one of marked deviation,
care of satan, will lead to disaster.""
"
"i committed a criminal act.
an accessory after the fact,
uncle lou, thwarts the fuzz in
my capture.  my cousin
(his kid and a blab threat) was whacked.
"
"i repeated, ""co-boss!"" to my cows,
summoned in from the pasture, and now's
when they gather inside
as i'm standing with pride
next to bessie and saying my vows.
"
"i can't go to this evening's affair.
be my eyes and ears, please, while you're there.
report back to me
what you hear and you see.
the more juicy, the better to share.
"
"""the buck stops with me,"" so she said.
except when it doesn't.  not read
were the cables chris sent
of the hotbed extent
of benghazi.  he later was dead.
"
"in yesterday's bar fight, a fist
smashed some bones round my eye.  i'm so pissed!
blowout fractures ain't fun.
an emergency run
fixed me up.  hope that broad broke her wrist.
"
"so much blissfulness fills up our tutor.
negativity doesn't pollute her.
her abundance of joy
is enough to annoy;
it's so cloying, the class wants to shoot her.
"
"schooled and trained, i've a party this fall,
and society's making a call.
but i really don't care
'cept for bachelors there;
they're who make comings out such a ball.
"
"""where do sexual impulses start?""
asked our teacher.  some answered, ""the heart.""
(god, how dumb!)  he said, ""no.
it's the brain.""  i thought, ""whoa!
glad i didn't say, 'genital part.'""
"
"roger ebert reviewed the big screen
with a partner named siskel, or gene.
they achieved much renown
with their thumbs up or down,
showing worth of the films that they'd seen.
"
"dan cathy (top dog, chick-fil-a)
leads his life in a biblical way.
this christian supporter,
who's taking god's order,
backs marriage but not if you're gay.
"
"i've developed an engouement, true,
an irrational fondness for you.
there's no rhyme and no reason
for findin' you pleasin'.
i love you, my skank.  i just do.
"
"trees with yellow to sepia flowers
and pulp with medicinal powers:
canafistolas.  they
have a name you might say
with a smirk on your face: golden showers.
"
"every inch unproductive is chris
at the plate.  it's a hitless abyss.
he can't even produce
with the gals.  it's no use.
he stays dry.  every swing is a miss.
"
"i will treasure that evening with dawn.
she had beauty to which i was drawn.
but short-lived was our meeting ?
ephemerous, fleeting ?
one night of great sex.  now she's gone.
"
"seven seasons of m*a*s*h wore him down,
yet it brought gary burghoff renown.
folks regarded him highly
as ""radar"" o'reilly;
before that, as good man charlie brown.
"
"an ex-hippie i know likes to cling,
and she'll constantly phone.  so, last spring
i got caller id.
if the name that i see
shows as ""freedom,"" i just let it ring.
"
"in the a block, we open with news.
then we break for commercials and use
the blocks b, c, and d
for more news.  in block e
and block f, we hear panelist views.
"
"by congress, a limit is set
beyond which the national debt
cannot rise; that's its ceiling.
our maximum stealing,
er, borrowing power's a threat.
"
"my hot girlfriend's a sight to behold,
and her sex passion can't be controlled,
but she also is dumb,
a bananahead, numb
in the skull; she's why blonde jokes are told.
"
"you cause excitation in me.
i'm aroused as you plainly can see.
you know how to make
my libido awake.
my ignition starts up with your key.
"
"an early retirement's in store,
'cause i don't have to work any more.
at just forty, i'm done.
at the lotto, i won.
now i deal with appeals by the score.
"
"early on, shortly after the start
of my social awareness, my heart
ruled the way i perceived.
over time, i achieved
intellectual sway.  now i'm smart.
"
"just your typical, average gal
who exemplifies all women, val
is an everywoman.  she
is the target, you see.
it's our marketing firm's rationale.
"
"remarkable rhonda is blessed
with great looks and a super fine chest.
as my grandpa would say
were he with us today,
""she's the cat's meow!  simply the best!""
"
"soak chicken in milk for an hour.
then dredge it (that's roll it in flour
till evenly coated).
then bake it, mom noted,
for 45 minutes.  devour.
"
"if you beat yourself up, you resent
a bad outcome you tried to prevent.
you dwell on the wouldas,
the couldas, and shouldas.
look forward.  the past has been spent.
"
"first i shave, then i bathe, then i groom,
then it's eau de toilette (light perfume)
that i use as a splash
on my skin.  just a dash,
'cause i've learned that too much clears a room.
"
"constant positive pressure is key
while i sleep, so my airway stays free.
blockage gone, i don't snore,
choke, and wake anymore.
but i still gotta get up to pee.
"
"luann's erotogenic: she can,
with facility, rouse any man.
on those feelings i acted.
my marriage impacted,
i now, alas, live in a van.
"
"lear, a brit and of humorous mind,
gave us limericks (light verses, five-lined).
but the type i like sharin'
are rooted in erin:
the lewd and lascivious kind.
"
"""i'm not seeing my doctor,"" said kay,
""as in dating, you dummy.  oy, vey!
i'm just planning to be
in his office at three,
as i have an appointment today.""
"
"incognito's the look judy tries
when her former beau rudy she spies.
does that gal think she's kiddin'?
her looks can't be hidden
with glasses her only disguise.
"
"a boatload can fill up a barge.
this amount is abundantly large.
kagan makes the assertion
big gifts aren't coercion.
we're the nannies, and health care's the charge.
"
"lance armstrong beat cancer testicular
and pedaled to seven vehicular
victories, but
he was doping (tut, tut)
and brought shame for ways extracurricular.
"
"though i'm listening within normal range
of reception, there's something that's strange.
it's a spot that is dead:
the transmission's unread.
my location i'll now have to change.
"
"food and drink are essential; i load 'em
up into my bonk bag and tote 'em
while cycling.  my gal
thinks another locale
when i mention my bonk bag: my scrotum.
"
"i'm not really this dumb.  it's called branding.
i've created an image that's landing
me tabloidy press.
do i play along?  yes,
because that's what the public's demanding.
"
"under dubya, the high price of gas
had the media riding his ass.
gas went down.  now we're back
where we were.  no attack
on obama.  he's given a pass.
"
"john ford coley &amp; mate england dan
had a handful of hits in the span
of three years; four of these
topped ac.  they would please
like a breeze in july.  i'm a fan.
"
"cockeyed bob is a term from down under
describing a storm that has thunder
and wind gusts severe.
it's not totally clear
how this storm got its name.  gotta wonder.
"
"series roles many actors, ideally,
would welcome.  bill daily had really
lucked out.  he got two:
howard borden who flew
as did, prior to that, roger healey.
"
"a club called the image was run
by blues image, whose hits numbered one.
but this band can take pride
in their ""ride, captain, ride""
and their ship's fleeting day in the sun.
"
"why the hell am i here?  i don't know.
at rope's end, i have nothing to show
for a life filled with pain.
happy times are in vain.
shoulda checked out a long time ago.
"
"my brother's a pest.  shoulda slugged
the dumb schmuck when he constantly tugged
on my arm, asking, ""bro,
where'd my book of maps go?""
but, not seeing his atlas, i shrugged.
"
"from the dead letter office, there came
sacks of mail with the ""santa claus"" name.
said the judge, ""case dismissed,
since the feds all insist
that kris kringle and he are the same.""
"
"most lesbian women don't like
to be called the pejorative dyke.
it's not nice, so just say
that these women are gay.
feel the need to demean?  take a hike.
"
"bargain hunters comparison shop,
making prices and quality top
on their search list.  i gather
online is best rather
than having to, store to store, hop.
"
"the president spoke with alarm
about cuts that, he said, would cause harm
so severe, but when that
didn't work, he then sat
with his rivals and turned on the charm.
"
"no weapon did we stow away
in a cavity.  searching today,
they probed nostrils, mouths, ears,
genitalia, and rears.
we could then catch our flight to l.a.
"
"59th is a street where i skip
down a cobblestoned bridge at a clip
that is slow.  when i've no
deeds to do, there i'll go
seeking fun.  feelin' groovy's a trip!
"
"the bihari procedure i owe
for the inches i gained down below.
with a ligament cut,
further out i now jut,
and my girlfriend is simply aglow.
"
"my low-rent efficiency's spare,
as it's less than 500 feet square.
from my door, straight ahead
is my couch/fold-out bed.
turn your head and my kitchen's right there.
"
"what's it mean to allotropize?  change
in a physical-property range.
but in substance?  no, no.
(this means elements, so
don't apply it to humans; that's strange.)
"
"instrumental (guitars, drums and keys),
booker t. and his group, the m.g.'s,
 shaped the southern soul sound.
their ubiquity's found
on their own and on others' lps.
"
"my domestic staff sucks ? and in spades.
every one of them earns failing grades.
for my inn to succeed,
a new crew's what i need.
i'll clean house: gotta fire all the maids.
"
"bupropion, i can attest,
helps my mood; i'm no longer depressed.
my libido's increased,
and my smoking has ceased
and, with weight loss, i'm looking my best.
"
"""boston coolers ? from whence do they come?""
""duh.  detroit.  do you think i'm that dumb?
ginger ale and ice cream
make one hell of a team
blended up like a milkshake.  they're yum!""
"
"a live baby is born ? undeniable.
called fetus or not, it's still viable.
a snip to the spine
marks the end of the line.
such acts make abortionists fryable.
"
"we won't let you fall down on your fanny.
the government's here as your nanny.
life's road we will pave,
helping cradle to grave,
from a babe to a grandpa or granny.
"
"under dome-shaped, clear plastic stands ella.
i haven't a bubble umbrella.
in fact, i have none.
but who's having great fun
eyeing ella?  this super wet fella.
"
"an armchair ride down at the track
made me lose lots of money, alack.
gee, that pony could run.
he quite easily won.
taking first at that horse meet?  big mack.
"
"betty everett's a pretty safe bet
on most stations for oldies.  we'll get
""the shoop shoop song"" played
and another she made,
namely, ""let it be me,"" a duet.
"
"the convention was well underway
when the delegate stood up to say,
""he hails from our state.
yes, our homeboy is great!
for our favorite son, we vote ""yea.""
"
"the government board fcc
deals with radio, wire, and tv.
it regulates air
and the info we share,
making sure they're obscenity-free.
"
"regulations aplenty i note.
they impede the tide lifting my boat
and the boats of my peers.
every business type fears
the proverbial boot on the throat.
"
"an aural condition i've got:
dysacousia.  it isn't so hot.
there's pain in my ear
from the noise that i hear.
this big city boy suffers a lot.
"
"ambulation is not what i planned,
but i walk, my old suitcase in hand.
since you spent all my dough,
it's back home i must go;
the big easy's the place that i'll land.
"
"the detecter i hired to hover
in secret, in hopes to discover
if someone had part
of my wife's suspect heart,
is the guy i found out is her lover.
"
"i profess no particular creed.
i'm an anythingarian.  feed
me the dogma you hold,
and i won't fit that mold.
there's no one true religion i heed.
"
"the barbie drug's sold on the net.
a tan isn't all that you'll get:
a reduction in weight
and, for guys, a stiff state.
too good to be true?  a safe bet.
"
"with one sip of the altar wine, bud,
a recovering alky, thought, ""crud!
i would kill for a drink""
and, not stopping to think,
grabbed the goblet and gulped all his blood.
"
"in these backwaters, places remote,
unaffected by progress, you'll note
that our pace isn't fast,
and we look to the past,
and your big-city ways just won't float.
"
"it's final.  the die has been cast.
the point of returning has passed.
with the bombs in the air,
let the time that we share
of our last day on earth be a blast.
"
"in our staredowns, as much as i tried
not to blink, wins were always denied
by that man johnny cash
who dropped nary a lash.
all the time, he kept eyes open wide.
"
"the court order i met with derision.
the judge made me pay a provision
to someone i'd jilted.
the system is tilted.
i'll fight this horrendous decision!
"
"""my plan's working.  i wouldn't advise
changing horses midstream; it's unwise.
you'd be filled with remorse
if you altered our course.""
so we listened then watched our demise.
"
"i'm drawn to these flashing red lights
and to what all that blinking invites.
off and on goes the neon.
it spurs me to be on
the inside and take in the sights.
"
"the jury came back to announce,
based on evidence (massive amounts),
that the state made its case.
on the charges, i face
forty years.  it found guilt on all counts.
"
"pilot jones was one helluva guy!
god has taken his soul to the sky.
at the funeral mass,
flight attendants now pass
by his casket and tell him, ""buh bye.""
"
"""i waved my addiction goodbye.
no more drinking that vodka and rye,""
said a man from seattle.
""although it's a battle,""
he joked, ""in this town to stay dry.""
"
"""elect me!""  i was begging them.  ""please!
i implore you!  i'm down on my knees!""
public office?  denied.
""he's insane!"" voters cried,
and the head of this psych ward agrees.
"
"""we're extracted from dust, i was taught,
by our maker.""  ""no.  we are extraught
from the apes.""  what this meant?
our descent brought dissent.
we both fought over two schools of thought.
"
"with my cycle of sleep out of whack,
chronotherapy got me on track.
my depression is gone.
no more bedtime at dawn.
no more dinner right out of the sack.
"
"excessive attention i pay
to the clock, and i'm filled with dismay.
just like watching a pot
never boiling, i've got
a long wait till the end of the day.
"
"""will it play in peoria?"" was,
in the past, often asked to mean ""does
it have mainstream appeal?
take their pulse, get a feel,
and we hope it sparks positive buzz.""
"
"i'm elvis's number one fan.
i had every recording the man
ever made. now i find
graceland's vault has been mined
once again, a perpetual plan.
"
"acting/singing in mickey mouse ears,
she had assets most every boy cheers.
films and records would follow.
though some call them hollow,
annette made me smile through the years.
"
"said the doc when i went for a checkup,
""take your clothes off.""  i thought, ""what the heck?""  up
i stood to take leave.
(i'm not freakin' na?ve.
ents only deal with the neck up.)
"
"""i'm eating for two!"" exclaimed sue,
who, in just a few weeks, will be due.
cried the waiter, ""that's great!""
he then turned to her mate
and, in jest, asked the porker, ""you too?""
"
"who made all in the family glow?
struthers, reiner, or stapleton?  no.
who's responsible for
it's success?  at the core,
it's o'connor who carried that show.
"
"in our junior high musical, deb'll
play opposite rob, who's a rebel.
his disdain for convention
gets women's attention.
that bad boy ain't nothing but treble.
"
"said my law school professor, ""acquis:
that upon which all partners agree.
it constitutes all
eu law, wall to wall.""
""is it french?"" asked a ditz.  (that was me.)
"
"jeanine deckers, dominican nun,
sang the song ""dominique,"" which would stun
many teens when this screwy
tune topped ""louie louie"" ?
a crime! ? when it made number one.
"
"a critic of islam, a saudi,
decided to publish abroad: he
evulgated, writing
on passions igniting,
beheadings, and stonings.  good lawdy!
"
"this bad boy i need to get done,
though each shovel of snow weighs a ton.
if only next spring
were about to take wing,
then this task could get done by the sun.
"
"anti-frackers oppose the injection
of fluid in rock.  no affection
have they for exploring,
through fissures, the pouring
of more oil and gas for collection.
"
"""she's as sweet as a bad boy can be!
my corvette has 600 hp!
that's some powerful stuff!""
said my date, ""that's enough
with the car.  how 'bout revvin' up me?""
"
"""i forgive you,"" she'll say.  is she through?
ha!  not likely.  there's more than a few
things unpleasant and rotten
i'd done, long forgotten
by me, that she dredges up too.
"
"""you practiced not even a tad?
then you're grounded.  accept it.""  ""but dad!""
""confront what you've done.
face the music, my son.
that recital was horribly bad.""
"
"my humor's appealing to so
many people, i thought she meant.  no.
with her comment to me
that i'm fat-witted, she
meant to say that i'm mentally slow.
"
"for the factory price, take a trip
to our warehouse for pickup and skip
wasting time in a store
where you're sure to pay more.
at our gate, we don't handle or ship.
"
"her disinterest in me i lamented.
then to intimate sex she consented.
you ask how i succeeded?
i begged and i pleaded
for favors.  she finally relented.
"
"unskilled underlings seek, but don't find,
proper guidance: a case where the blind
lead the blind; at the top,
an incompetent flop
fails to train, putting all in a bind.
"
"have you heard kevin's latest false claim,
that with good-looking gals he's got game?
i can tell you for sure
that this story is pure
fabrication.  from whole cloth it came.
"
"god's ultimate pull on the reins
means whatever the losses or gains
we've incurred on this earth
we must cede.  then the worth
of reflection is all that remains.
"
"the negative ads took effect
and, in large part, went fully unchecked.
disengaged and detached,
onto lies many latched.
the incumbent, again, we'd elect.
"
"""do you want this fabada i'm makin'?
it's broad beans, pork, sausage, and bacon
all cooked in a stew.""
""don't mind if i do,
and don't mind if it's lots that i'm takin'.""
"
"i use thin, stretchy rubber to bind
stacks of paper together. i find
that elastic bands help
in this task, but i'll yelp
if one's launched my way, shot from behind.
"
"i'm the eldest hand. no, i'm not old.
to the left of the dealer, i hold
the first hand to get dealt.
if it's instantly felt
i have crap, i'll be foremost to fold.
"
"my daddy?  he buys me nice things:
fancy clothes, sweet perfume, diamond rings...
and i gladly repay
for his generous way,
since his gifts come with sexual strings.
"
"actors' bodies of work have some stinkers.
career-wise, they're not often sinkers.
if enough, though, get made
of the d or f grade,
stars may pray, ""better scripts!""  (wishful thinkers.)
"
"there was favoritism shown by our mother.
more love went to one than the other.
you know that it's true.
mom was crazy 'bout you,
always liking you best, darling brother.
"
"art carney i always enjoy
as ed norton, who'll often annoy
with his dim-witted ways,
and i smile at that phrase
from this character: ""hey, ralphie boy!""
"
"a favicon's what you will spot
of the sites that you visit a lot.
this icon behaves
as a shortcut to faves.
yes, i go where the women are hot.
"
"the bloke at the podium spoke
certain phrases and words to evoke
an emotive response.
what he got: nonchalance.
were they playing a practical joke?
"
"at the gates of hell, here, front and center,
a sign warns us bastards who enter:
abandon all hope...
is there hope for me?  nope.
not with satan my timeless tormentor.
"
"it's in fantasyland you reside.
you imagine that gal by your side.
sorry, bud.  in your dreams.
she won't go to extremes
and date dorks.  she's too cool for that ride.
"
"hear that crash?  it's detroit.  there's no greater
municipal debt.  watch it crater.
what made it go under?
high taxes.  no wonder
most citizens said, ""see ya later.""
"
"my sweet mother, still breathing, had clung
onto life.  she was with us, among
the living, this side
of the grave.  now she's died.
as we gather, her praises are sung.
"
"many envelope stuffers are in
with my statements each month.  it's a sin
that the folks at the billers
include mucho fillers.
these ads just get tossed in the bin.
"
"""my new boyfriend's a fabulous guy.
people say he's a fabulist.""  ""why
just assume that he's able
to dream up a fable?
it could be he's likely to lie.""
"
"our top quarterback's hurt.  he's been out
since the start of the season.  no doubt,
our replacements are not
all that good.  at his spot,
we lack depth.  every game is a rout.
"
"this oddly named band was, no joke,
bubble puppy; they hit with ""hot smoke
& sassafras,"" seen
on the charts at 14;
but no more in the limelight they'd soak.
"
"when i lived in the tropics, my poo
contained granular matter.  it's true.
when i found a new home, a
goodbye to carcoma
i said ? no more stool a red hue.
"
"times were good, and i made lots of bread.
love was true with the woman i wed
(so i thought).  times turned bad,
and i lost all i had,
and my fair-weather wife up and fled.
"
"bags of waters enclose and give cushion
to fetuses there (with no smooshin').
my wife had her sac
just now break.  on her back
she'll soon be in the hospital pushin'.
"
"those earworms?  they drive me insane.
getting rid of them's hard.  they remain
far too long.  i don't like
that they won't take a hike.
i get stuck with those hooks in my brain.
"
"each night, i will visit a bordel
of beautiful women.  you chortle?
i get carnally thrilled
with each pleasure fulfilled.
don't believe me?  this closet's a portal.
"
"if you step out of line, they're the ones
who will rap on your knuckles or buns.
they're a very feared force.
i am speaking, of course,
of the disciplinarian nuns.
"
"enuresis i had in the sack
with my bladder control out of whack.
i received medication
to curb urination.
my sex life is now back on track.
"
"such a generous airline!  the middle
is where i got seated.  yes, it'll
be one long-ass flight
twixt two fatties.  it's tight.
oh, how big of them giving me little.
"
"ebay, best buy and amazon? pissed!
online service these e-tailers missed.
many surfers now turn
to a place where they learn
much from angie's smart word-of-mouth list.
"
"obama will say to the throng
that the state of the union is strong,
but division and friction,
a stark contradiction,
shows a state of disunion.  he's wrong.
"
"a young waitress was playful and pert.
she's called baggage, a vamp, and a flirt.
i got caught in her net.
now my wife wants to get
a divorce and give me just dessert.
"
"constant carping on trivial flaws
led to reaching the last of my straws.
in death, she now pays
for her fault-finding ways,
and the court system found i'd just cause.
"
"he was thawed from sub-zero degrees.
""mr. powers, evacuate please.""
two, three minutes pass by
for this bladder-full guy,
but completion's not reached.  still he pees.
"
"one blink (a brief instant in time)
saw me pull on a trigger. now i'm
serving life.  was it worth
taking one from this earth?
yes.  he really annoyed me, that mime.
"
"in the morning, some liquor i take.
a quick shot and i'm fully awake.
before downing that drink,
i can't function or think,
and i see all the world as opaque.
"
"the crystals, the first group of chicks
for phil spector, had hits total six,
but they're not heard on two
of those hits; spector threw
crystal surrogates into the mix.
"
"a girl had the hots for a guy,
but she had a big stye on her eye.
disproportional to
this life's blip she went through
was her feeling she wanted to die.
"
"if i won lots of money one day,
and it suddenly all went away,
no concern would i show.
easy come, easy go.
either way, rich or poor, i'm okay.
"
"i'm taking this one for the team.
as a fall guy, i'll pay for our scheme.
let me go, but beware:
lots of info i'll share
should this talk about jail pick up steam.
"
"we encourage the spectrum of hues
in our party of differing views.
a big tent we may be,
but uniting is key.
don't stay home; else, our candidates lose.
"
"the ganges, you trust, is well suited
for making our bodies abluted.
thorough washing, you say,
makes our sins go away.
but they're in there, so ain't it polluted?
"
"a cultural icon for teen
disillusionment, actor james dean
played a rebel.  this star,
who liked racing his car,
sped one day and departed the scene.
"
"with my terminal illness a cage,
i am soon to break free.  the last page
in the journey of life
has been reached.  with my wife
and kids bedside, i exit the stage.
"
"""my life's easeful: it's tranquil and quiet
and restful.  dear daughter, please try it.""
""i've six kids under ten.
could you tell me just when
i'd have time?  good one, mom.  you're a riot.""
"
"mother nature too soon cries, ""abort!""
on october's nice weather report.
expectations she kills
with the rain and the chills
of november, when autumn falls short.
"
"""i think tumor reduction is wise,
so debulking is what i'd advise,""
said my doc.  my approval
i gave for removal.
a portion is what they'll excise.
"
"""certain monks (hindu, muslim) steer clear
of all worldly possessions.  i hear
you're that kind,"" said a gal
of mid-eastern locale.
""must i beg?  come possess me, faqir!""
"
"the excitable area: spot
that, on frontal lobes, everyone's got.
it has as its role
that of motor control.
genitalia it's certainly not.
"
"right-wing nuts cling to god and to guns,
said obama, ignoring the ones
whose tenacious embrace
of the same make us face
getting killed: islam's terrorist sons.
"
"i hope autograph seekers don't mind
that my name's automatically signed.
that robotic device
called an autopen's nice.
best of all, it leaves hand cramps behind.
"
"a prizefighting boxer, lee dorsey,
set out on a musical course.  he
made the charts when he'd wait
for his ya ya, work late
in a coal mine, and ride on his horsey.
"
"he was high on the awesomeness scale,
so impressively great.  now the veil
has come off, and we see
quite the opposite.  we
are left watching him epically fail.
"
"that contest of marathon eating,
long and arduous, found me competing
with others who ate
from a bottomless plate
of spiced sausage, and now we're repeating.
"
"though i haven't enwombed you, don't cry.
yes, i know many months have gone by,
but i firmly believe
you were meant to conceive.
until then, what a thrill just to try!
"
"""you are just like your mother.  a lot""
""don't you ever say that.  no, i'm not!""
""it's a compliment, hon.
can't i praise my wife, one
who's so clear-off-the-chart, smokin' hot?""
"
"""upon extubation, his throat
had an ice-cream-and-soda-like coat,""
said my lawyer.  ""no doubt
that the tube taken out
was the straw from his last root beer float.""
"
"with premiums rising, just where
is this promised affordable care?
the big savings?  less cost?
shoulda known they'd get tossed
into washington's ample thin air.
"
"are we able to keep our own plan
and our doctor?  we're told, ""yes, you can.""
my employer says i'm
being dropped to part time.
he won't offer me coverage.  aw, man!
"
"i had cabbage ? an artery part
was engrafted, enriching the heart:
blood supply was improved
with that artery moved ?
not the stuff that can make people fart.
"
"""you da bomb!  you're so awesome, so fun,
cool, and hip!  you're the best!  number one!
you're outstanding and great!
wanna go on a date?""
""to my head, are you holding a gun?""
"
"""how is med school?""  neglecting to tell
my old man i dropped out, that things fell
by the wayside (i lack
both the interest and knack),
i just smiled and replied, ""going well.""
"
"i diworsified, hon.  i won't mask it.
i hope that you don't blow a gasket.
investing in too
many assets fell through.
should've kept all our eggs in one basket.
"
"the size of your stomach is small
when compared to your eyes.  there are tall
heaps of food on your plate.
every morsel looks great,
but believe me, you can't eat it all.
"
"this brand born in pittsburgh, pa,
softens dishwater.  also with spray
for the body and beads
for the bath, it succeeds.
yes, with calgon, i'm taken away!
"
"jane's not plain anymore ? no, she's not ?
since her makeover.  changing a lot,
she's a six, maybe, now;
but she's still not like ""wow!""
let's be real.  she's a far cry from hot.
"
"i don't care a hang whether you're old,
fat, or ugly if truth should be told.
no concern will i show,
so let's give it a go.
if you're able and willing, i'm sold.
"
"the carousel kept going round,
but my baggage was not to be found
when i got to l.a.
i learned later that day
that my luggage was washington-bound.
"
"cass elliot blended so well
when with denny and john and michelle.
she, among the rare types
with a great set of pipes,
was a mama and sure did excel.
"
"evanish is vanish with ""e.""
poets use it to mean ""cease to be""
and, as well, ""disappear.""
in today's world, it's clear
that this word very rarely we see.
"
"for sentencing, kwame's appearing.
the bribery, fraud, racketeering,
and more sealed his fate.
now he's gonna go straight
to the big house.  detroiters are cheering.
"
"we've a fabian guy at the head.
to a socialist doctrine he's wed.
peaceful means, and not force, is
the course he endorses.
he favors its gradual spread.
"
"i munch on a carrot, a radish,
and bean sprouts while feeling quite baddish.
i'm craving high-cal,
but that beautiful gal
dates no fat guys.  i'll shoot for just fattish.
"
"""i detect in your milk duct some cell
aberration.""  ""that's cancer!  aw, hell!""
""it's my expectation,
with prompt radiation
and surgery, things will go well.""
"
"we had flirted online and thought why
not give meeting in person a try.
face to face didn't go
quite so well.  now i know
that ""sweet sandy"" is really a guy.
"
"the facundity flowed when he spoke.
fiery passions that man could evoke.
he was then thrown off-stride,
and his eloquence died.
(with no prompter, this guy is a joke.)
"
"even though that gal's looks are hypnotic,
my efforts are all anterotic.
i feel it's a must
not to act on my lust,
'cause i heard she's a bitch who's psychotic.
"
"my vain boss always lays it on thick
with his own self-importance.  i'm sick
of his airs.  i'm appalled.
in the south, he'd be called
a big ike.  ('stead of ike, i'd say dick.)
"
"if i organized all the community,
the public would answer in unity
when i asked for its vote.
my agenda could float
through the congress at each opportunity.
"
"tax-exempt status?  not for the groups
on the right, like the ""patriot"" troops.
favored lot they are not.
no exception they got.
now the revenue service says, ""oops.""
"
"richard deacon was never top-tier,
but in numerous roles he'd appear,
and the one that stands out
is mel cooley, no doubt:
buddy's barbs got a ""yecch!"" and a sneer.
"
"the evangelist preacher said, ""might you
prefer to convert?  i invite you
up front at the end
of my sermon.  i'll send
you to jesus, whose love will excite you.""
"
"the apollo had wednesday night shows,
and discovered there once were the crows.
major hits totaled one.
(hey, it's better than none.)
it was ""gee"" music listeners chose.
"
"obamacare now is the law,
and, expressing disgust, i say, ""faugh.""
he promised no raise
in our taxes.  those days
are long gone.  how that sticks in my craw!
"
"brownsville station, a cover band, sang
an original tune, and then ? bang! ?
they hit paydirt once ""smokin'
in the boys room"" had broken
on through.  that was it for this gang.
"
"i needed my job.  couldn't quit it.
i hated my boss, but i hid it.
""get your work done,""  she'd nag.
i got canned: ""you old hag,
would you please quitcher bitchin'?!"" ? that did it.
"
"more embarrassed i never could be.
guess my earphone he just didn't see.
""when the oscars are through,""
i said, ""sex ? me and you.""
asked de niro, ""you talkin' to me?""
"
"julie andrews says fa is a long
way to run, as she teaches in song.
it is post do, re, mi
and precedes so, la, ti;
but these notes, all off-key, i sing wrong.
"
"jan attends to my every demand.
i'm not living in fantasy land.
i'm the envy of men.
servile time and again,
jan enjoys eating out of my hand.
"
"edward bear, a canadian band,
sang light pop.  they'd four hits that would land
in their country's top ten
with not all the same men ?
larry evoy, the one guiding hand.
"
"an ex-alpinist said, ""i had skill
in the slalom events.  since a spill
on the slopes, though, i'm lame.
i've just not been the same.
i had game, but my game went downhill.""
"
"i offered my mother-in-law
soda crackers to gnaw.  she said, ""naw.
i'll just have me a look
in my purse.""  then she took
out some chewing tobacco to chaw.
"
"run for office, they tell me.  you'll win.
too much sin ? don't know where to begin ?
is the baggage i've got
that encumbers a shot.
""even more than the guy who's now in?""
"
"our town magistrate (known as a burgo-
master) outlawed all toys.  there is, ergo,
no sombertown fun.
if caught playing with one,
then a dungeon is where you will sure go.
"
"they asked mr. sandman to bring
them a dream; the chordettes, taking wing,
topped the charts.  the top ten
they reached three times again,
like with ""lollipop.""  boy, could they sing!
"
"crystal mangum cried ""rape"" with a tide
of the media taking her side.
so how could it be
that the duke lacrosse three
were then cleared of all charges?  she lied.
"
"sue walks by with a strut and a sway
prompting guys to cast eyeballs her way.
they can't help it; they're drawn
to that gal who's real gone.
and their girlfriends are left to cry, ""hey!""
"
"bobby day had the teens all abuzz;
they sang over and over because,
thanks to them, his song played
pretty often.  teens made
""rockin' robin"" the hit that it was.
"
"simply pushing a button was all
that i needed to do.  couldn't stall,
but my moment i missed
when my woman i kissed
far too long new year's eve.  dropped the ball.
"
"said my dad, with the help of a graph,
""what you earn in this 'job' won't be half
of a real job.  the thrills
of a club won't pay bills.
a comedian?  don't make me laugh.""
"
"eddie cochran had one top ten hit,
namely ""summertime blues,"" but such grit
he had put into song
that his death before long
proved his status as icon legit.
"
"defeatist is what you might call
our team's attitude.  bound for a fall,
fatalistic's our vibe.
all our parts fail to jibe.
we're resigned that our efforts will stall.
"
"i have only my own self to blame
for my digital hangover: shame
and regret from online-
posted pix.  drunk on wine,
dropped my pants at the dance, signed my name.
"
"i resigned 'cause the company board
applied pressure.  i fell on my sword.
i did wrong, but the blame's
not all mine.  i'll name names.
(maybe not if my price they afford.)
"
"my brother's defense team?  they called me
as a character witness, which stalled me
when taking the stand,
'cause i thought of, off-hand,
nothing good.  all my life, he's appalled me.
"
"with a show of great strength, we stood tall.
we were feared and respected by all.
teddy roosevelt's nary
a thought now.  we carry
a stick ""unbelievably small.""
"
"tons of newspapers lying around,
scattered every which way and unbound,
doomed a hoarder. his wife
found him down with no life.
in a vast sea of newsprint he'd drowned.
"
"that's such balderdash coming from you.
deal with facts, not that nonsense you spew.
there's no point in debating.
the stuff that you're stating
is rubbish, my friend.  get a clue.
"
"a part of the money i make
off the fattened up livestock i take
to the market for slaughter
i spend on my daughter
and wife.  we go out for some steak.
"
"as an actor, he didn't much rank,
but we've leave it to beaver to thank
for that role that brought fame:
wally's friend with the name
""lumpy"" rutherford (played by frank bank).
"
"as june cleaver, she'll always remain
in our hearts in a motherly vein.
barbara billingsley then
spoofed that character when,
in a film, she spoke jive on a plane.
"
"""our father who art ? here's a quiz:
in this context, does art mean that his
favorite thing is to draw,
sculpt, or paint?""  ""funny!  naw,
art's an old-fashioned word meaning is.""
"
"i'm not looking for life prolongation
or a cure;  i just want palliation.
give me comfort care, please,
so my aching will ease
as i enter the terminal station.
"
"frankie valli made millions, that guy,
with a pitch to his voice that was high.
his falsetto was great
as he helped to create
songs like ""sherry"" and ""big girls don't cry.""
"
"when love becomes broken, it shatters.
i'm now prey to despair.  nothing matters
at all.  greatly bumming
and majorly coming
apart at the seams, i'm in tatters.
"
"boy, i sure love to pack it away
with the medley of foods on display
at buffets that are all-
you-can-eat.  can't go small.
with an overstuffed tummy, i pay.
"
"said a sixtyish woman named ruth,
""i have had many men in my youth
as a chicken, but now
having sex is like wow!
so much better, to tell you the truth.""
"
"your opinion i didn't solicit.
express what you feel?  i'll dismiss it.
continue to add
your two cents?  i'll be glad
to just show you my ass and say, ""kiss it.""
"
"a doctrine once held it was fair
for two viewpoints, opposing, to air;
but that mandate's pass?.
we don't need it today
with the number of outlets out there.
"
"murphy's law is sure going to town
on my life.  in dysfunction, i drown.
what was one woe has spread.
now i've many woes.  bread
always falls with the butter side down.
"
"said dean martin, ""i'll take a chablis.""
dino's friend told the barkeep. ""let's see.
my preferred drink is pale.
make it lager or ale
for this little ole beer drinker, me.""
"
"they're the experts on what we should wear.
their opinions they always will share.
snarky comments i draw.
my whole wardrobe's a flaw
to the fashion police.  do i care?
"
"the beatles were called the fab four.
they could craft top ten hits by the score;
twenty singles would land
at the top.  not one band
and not one solo artist had more.
"
"the boss, on the day before lent,
brought in fastnachts.  and now i repent
for what followed.  i'm so nuts
for raised, deep-fried donuts.
office staff wondered where they all went.
"
"""i lust after beautiful bess.
do you think i'll find dating success?""
""i'm not telling you no,
but the likelihood's low.
if you ask her, don't bet on a yes.""
"
"""my boobies?  for art's sake, i free 'em.
too bad you're not near a museum.""
""au contraire, my dear valerie.
an artmobile (gallery
on wheels) comes to town where i see 'em.""
"
"devotee that i am, i read stuff
about nature.  i can't get enough.
i'm not talking 'bout trees,
grass, or leaves.  none of these.
i'm a naturist/nudity buff.
"
"the defects were hidden to make
it appear we were catching a break
in the job market front,
but a fraudulent stunt,
now revealed, shows the numbers were fake.
"
"""see that chick over there, mary lou?
i've a crush on her big time, i do.
to a major degree
is her hold over me.""
""you and all of us here in this queue.""
"
"morey amsterdam had the agility
of mind to make jokes with facility
in vaudeville as well
as the role of sorrell.
he was lauded for such an ability.
"
"you think things are bad now?  just you wait.
with the dvapara yuga our fate
here and now, times get worse:
kali yuga's a curse.
live through that, then the satya is great.
"
"there's a crisis of confidence.  hope
has eroded, and vast is the scope
of our troubles.  he said,
""better days are ahead.""
not with him as our leader, that dope.
"
"with his life-giving bullets all firing,
he's showing no sign yet of tiring.
his offspring keep mounting ?
200 and counting!
he sure is the daddy of siring.
"
"a discutient will help you, my dear,
get your social life back into gear.
that huge boil on your mug
will react to this drug
and quite soon disappear. are we clear?
"
"i ordered a bride through the mail,
and you blinked.  you had nary a veil
on your shock and dismay.
would it help if i say
that i got this sweet lady on sale?
"
"all the goals to which i would aspire
i took aim at with focus and fire.
what remains of my clawing
ambition?  i'm drawing
a bead on my plan to retire.
"
"the success of the buckinghams spanned
just one year.  they were much in demand.
five top-20 hits scored,
they were far from ignored ?
'67's most listened-to band.
"
"ernest evans from philly became
chubby checker.  ""the twist"" brought him fame;
it was number one twice ?
being typecast, the price;
but we'll always remember his name.
"
"belafonte (young harry) was king
of calypso.  but pegged?  not his thing.
he sang gospel, folk, blues
and had activist views.
(i'd prefer just to hear the man sing.)
"
"not foreseeing the gold he would strike,
the big bopper stepped up to the mike
and, with voice loud and strong,
set a phone call to song ?
""hello, baby...you knooow what i like!""
"
"a group, the dovells, found renown
with a song 'bout a dance from the town
known as bristol, pa.
more such hits came their way.
rabid fans?  they just couldn't sit down.
"
"we just missed; the first hundred songs topped us.
we could have kept trying; what stopped us?
bubbling under: our label
didn't think we were able
to get any higher.  it dropped us.
"
"shirley ellis's hits numbered three:
first, the real nitty gritty's what she
got right down to; then came
using names in a game;
then a ditty where clapping was key.
"
"in the '50s, the hits really flowed
for the clovers.  in r&b mode,
they had 19 top tens.
any musical lens
will reveal that, in stardom, they glowed.
"
"i was playing some poker one day
with full bowels, but too far away
was the bathroom.  i dropped
me a deuce.  out it popped.
i just let the chips fall where they may.
"
"if the folks at the hospital say
not to leave, but you leave ama,
that's against their advice,
and you may pay the price
being worse off, so next time just stay.
"
"the voters of low information
i loathe.  i've a strong detestation
for them, even more
than the guy i abhor
at the top in our obama-nation.
"
"the brooklyn bridge spans the east river.
it was also a band with a sliver
of chart success: ""worst
that could happen.""  reversed
fortune followed.  they couldn't deliver.
"
"to his sides, i had paddles applied.
this aggressive approach that i tried
didn't shock jimmy's heart
so the beats would restart,
and i cried as my rainbowfish died.
"
"small business is under assault.
full-time job growth has ground to a halt.
with a signature law
as a serious flaw,
says our no-account prez, ""not my fault.""
"
"to an auction i went and laid eyes
on what would have been best of all buys.
other men expressed like,
but the man at the mike
said, ""my wife isn't biddable, guys.""
"
"in the woodlands, we've had many hikes
passing bristle grass: large, arching spikes
and long bristles below.
i took photos and show
them on facebook.  they've got 20 ""likes.""
"
"as the sultan, if i had my way,
i would rather choose you any day
than the myriad others;
but i don't have my druthers.
with this harem they force me to play.
"
"you want to extravagate: get
past the bounds that i've properly set.
we've just met.  but, my god,
you're a hunk!  what a bod!
(must resist!)  what the hell.  i'm all wet.
"
"singing ""red rubber ball,"" this band found
some success with their light, happy sound.
shortly after their one
other hit, they were done:
soon the cyrkle was not to be round.
"
"""i've been dealt a bad hand, god.  i'm fat,
i'm not smart, and i'm one ugly cat.""
""lose some weight.  read more books.
in regards to your looks,
listen, kevin.  i'm sorry 'bout that.""
"
"""i figger i'll do me some killin',""
laughed ross.  ""i get off on blood spillin'.""
with a razor his tool,
he was brutal and cruel,
slashing dozens, this barbarous villain.
"
"the director has shown us the door.
now we're not in that film anymore.
we were caught having fun
where the edits are done.
we're again on the cutting room floor.
"
"when it comes to religion, you share it
at work every day, 'cause you wear it
on your sleeve all the time.
jeez, louise!  it's a crime!
as an atheist ? barf! ? i can't bear it!
"
"we lived like a king and a queen.
wealth and comfort were part of our scene.
my once large corporation
now meets liquidation.
fat city, alas, has turned lean.
"
"excluding the fact that he's rich
and he buys me nice things, i would switch.
yes, apart from the two
of these factors, it's you
who i'd be with.  alas, life's a bitch.
"
"my opinion page writer friend, corey,
expressed how he felt.  nothing more he
could add.  he said, ""you
have your own point of view,
but the last word is mine.  end of story.""
"
"before him, a leader has three
seder matzoth.  a half broken free
from the center one's hid,
and the one lucky kid
who can find it?  a prize he will see.
"
"""your head's on the chopping block, fred."" ?
it's not just getting canned that i dread;
i so angered my boss
that i'm facing a loss
execution style  ? ""off with his head!""
"
"the beltsville small white was a breed
that was grown to fill customer need
(people's ovens: a place
where there wasn't much space).
on these turkeys, small families could feed.
"
"it's yuletide, and played as we shop
is ""feliz navidad"" (christmas pop).
""merry christmas"" jos?
wants to wish us.  okay,
but he goes on and on.  make him stop!
"
"debbie dated a chauvinist.  itchin'
to bed him, she ended up ditchin'
the guy.  she asked, ""zack,
do you wanna come back
to my place?"" and he cracked, ""where, the kitchen?""
"
"the establishment keeps a position
of power by name recognition.
they're the permanent class.
real reform gets a pass,
and the kicking of cans is tradition.
"
"at a policy stump speech, the game
that each president plays is the same:
have supporters behind him
as backdrops.  we'll find 'em
consistently there in the frame.
"
"i'm living on time that i borrow
from death.  don't express yet your sorrow.
given six months to live,
i'm at eight.  the fates give
us more time.  can i see you tomorrow?
"
"""your mom's an exceptor,"" screamed heather,
""objecting to me! she's your tether!
our wedding, let's skip!
you're attached at her hip!
i just know you'll be happy together!""
"
"there once was a group that was found
in new york as they sang, underground,
an original tune.
though ""sh-boom"" was a boon
for the chords, no more hits came around.
"
"the dixie cups reached number 1,
then two more hits came during their run.
of those three, i most like ? oh,
by far! ? ""iko iko.""
sadly, ""chapel of love""?'s played a ton.
"
"an art fair exhibiter, nash,
left his paintings and fled with a dash.
(art's not all he'd present
to a gal in his tent.)
the police found the guy in a flash.
"
"official team records exclude
exhibition games. one that i viewed
while in athens one day
had participants play
in a throwback game ? totally nude.
"
"""i'm no charity case.  get a grip.
i'm not constantly broke.  i won't skip
out on treating our meal.
what's the bill say?  for real? ""
""never mind.  spring again for the tip.""
"
"you bleary-eyed fool!  you're so dull
of perception.  your mind hit a lull
when he said he would change.
you're not looking long-range.
love makes some people numb in the skull.
"
"steve lawrence and eydie gorme;
weston, wells, and terrell sang with gaye;
hall and oates; ike and tina;
wham; loggins/messina;
les paul/mary ford; kid 'n play.
"
"it's baby's first poop.  it's official.
and likewise, it's now my initial
encounter of many
a wipe of young kenny
of matter that's excrementitial.
"
"there oughta be some kind of law:
it was ample, the chest that i saw.
back at my place, she slipped
off her clothes.  i felt gypped,
because falsies had padded her bra.
"
"her dissing was at my expense,
but her jibe didn't make any sense.
""what is eye broccoli?""  she
then explained it to me:
""one who's ugly.""  i took great offense.
"
"fdr: did he really deserve
reelection three times?  he'd the nerve
to keep running.  that ended:
constitution amended
put limits on terms one can serve.
"
"the group the mysterians' lead
is a very strange person indeed,
with a ? ""name.""
they had #1 fame,
which their ""96 tears"" guaranteed.
"
"circa '71 in big sur
(maybe '72...i'm not sure)
on a commune we met,
but that time i forget.
i regret that whole decade's a blur.
"
"""so you think you're all that?""  ""yes, i do.
i'm as good as they get, through and through.""
""that's no way to play, man,
with your number one fan
being narcissist, self-obsessed you.""
"
"bill cullen: a game show emcee ?
he was host with the most (23) ?
and a panelist too.
he was gimpy; few knew,
as they didn't show that on tv.
"
"jackie brenston sang lead on a song
with ike turner's first band.  before long,
like a rocket, it shot
to the number one spot.
the band's name, though, their label got wrong.
"
"an eggcorn's a phrase or a word
that's been altered because it's misheard.
let's take eggcorn, misspoke,
for ""the fruit of the oak.""
some are plausible.  some are absurd.
"
"at chili dog contests i've seen her.
jean's mouth is one mean vacuum cleaner.
chili, mustard, and cheese
atop franks is a breeze.
she can quickly down many a wiener.
"
"the dovells had a barry named len
singing lead.  twice they reached the top ten,
with both songs about dance.
with the ease of romance
as the theme, barry got there again.
"
"this featherweight fool, scrawny ass,
picked a fight.  he's got balls made of brass,
but he's inconsequential.
our size differential
is great.  i'm way out of his class.
"
"""i've a strong inclination above
all the rest,"" said a hippie (a dove).
""at the top, my desire's
not for peace or cease-fires.
what i feel like is making some love.""
"
"i thought it was love.  no such luck.
my demeanor screams out, ""i'm a schmuck!""
easy mark that i am,
i was led like a lamb
to the slaughter.  she took my last buck.
"
"""global cooling!""  but red were their faces.
""global warming!""  the data erases
their claims once again.
so the zealots thought, ""then
we'll say, 'climate change,' cover our bases.""
"
"that plain model who posed for my etching?
to say that she's cute would be stretching
credulity, yet
what i want she will get
and bring back to me.  boy, is she fetching!
"
"a banana republic he runs
with the citizens governed by guns.
this small country, unstable,
brings fruit to your table ?
its sole export.  they better sell tons.
"
"nightly news has its fair share of woe.
so much trouble and suffering they show.
in misfortune folks sink.
their distress makes me think,
""were it not for god's grace, there i go.""
"
"said a gal with bohemian flair,
""you're a cube.  you're just normal.  i dare
to be different.""  i then
got a similar yen;
now a flower i wear in my hair.
"
"""you're built like a car,"" they were inking.
 hydra teeth? ""dirty sweet""? were they drinking?
 what's up with that song
 by t. rex (""bang a gong"")?
 hub cap halo? hold on. i'm still thinking.
"
"""cut the gas, babe,"" i told my gal patty,
her motor mouth driving me batty.
""as much as i try it,
it's tough being quiet,""
she said.  ""i'm just naturally chatty.""
"
"""are you sexually active with brooke?
are you using protection?""  it took
about two or three more
of these questions before
i screamed, ""look!  are you writing a book?!""
"
"classmates said i was stiff as a board.
i dressed well.  overniceties poured
from my pores.  then one day,
i heard one of them say,
""there's that fauntleroy coming.  good lord!""
"
"as a surgeon, my doctor's a jewel,
but his follow-up conduct is cruel.
my concerns he attacks.
bedside manner he lacks.
they don't teach that in medical school.
"
"backhand slaps (not the palm side) i get
now from mom.  seems i've made her upset.
statement charges she sees.
""i don't recognize these!
this was your doing!  now we're in debt!""
"
"let fiery noels be a warning.
your tree you should not be adorning
with candles.  your days
could go out in a blaze,
and you'll rest with a wake in the mourning.
"
"what an ass!  listen, don't get me started.
profane, narcissistic, cold-hearted...
so much more i could say,
but today's when we pay
our respects to our dearly departed.
"
"i wore burger king's flame (once a spray
with a flame-broiled burger bouquet).
then i asked a girl out.
that cologne made her shout,
""no!  you stink!""  i groused, ""have it your way.""
"
"use some eyeliner, lipstick, and base
to improve your appearance in case
you've the hots for that guy.
you will best catch his eye
with cosmetics.  go fix up your face.
"
"the tunnels for egg transportation
are fallopian tubes.  ovulation
occurs: eggs are freed
from the ovaries.  seed
penetration means fertilization.
"
"with the clock winding down, we were fated
to win.  we went wild as we waited.
the opposing qb
threw the winning td,
and the stadium's air just deflated.
"
"i felt such satisfaction inside.
in a manner of speaking, i died
and i then went to heaven:
""enjoying this, kevin?""
she asked.  ""you're amazing!"" i cried.
"
"""i went out with a fizgig,"" said earl.
""that's a flighty and frivolous girl.
i would much rather play
with some fireworks or, say,
a harpoon or give spin tops a whirl.""
"
"most men are, beyond any doubt, liars.
believe me.  i know all about liars.
girls, don't be naive.
if they breathe, they deceive.
the few that are truthful are outliers.
"
"men, don't put this one site in your browsers.
it won't give you a rise in your trousers.
i had hoped for hot chicks.
all i got, though, were pix
of hot dogs.  (oxymoron?)  they're bowsers.
"
"if you think i'm a fan, you're delirious.
his following's truly mysterious.
i'm no devotee,
and no film will i see
with will ferrell.  c'mon!  are you serious?!
"
"""not a cloud in the sky, not too hot,
what a beautiful day!""  it was not.
nasty looks came my way.
not-heard news of the day
was the president died; he got shot.
"
"my mom's just thrown one thing away
of my dad's, who passed on back in may.
eighty-sixing his stuff
has proved terribly tough,
but she did toss his silk neglig?e.
"
"fertility drugs: medication
that's used to promote stimulation
of follicle growth
in the ovaries ? both.
they help couples achieve procreation.
"
"'57 is when they broke through ?
""bye bye love,"" when it reached number 2.
the everly brothers
had 34 others
that charted; that's more than a few.
"
"no hope or reward will you find
if you go down an alley that's blind.
there's a point in your travels
where progress unravels.
your ultimate goal's left behind.
"
"man, i gotta cut out.  gotta flee.
i don't know where i'll go, but we'll see.
i will try to trek far
'cause i totaled dad's car,
and i don't want him totaling me.
"
"a blue-tail fly bit massa's thigh.
then his horse took off, bucking the guy
from the saddle.  he fell
in a ditch, and ? oh, well ?
i don't care.  (he was left there to die.)
"
"sang donovan (ultimate hippie)
of a mountain, the wind, colours, dippy,
and a dildo (no joking);
but fans thought, by smoking
banana peels, they could get trippy.
"
"there was no one and nothing to stop
""duke of earl"" charting right at the top.
then gene chandler got smart,
as he played up the part
(cape and top hat with cane as a prop).
"
"responsible?  me?  no, i'm not.
feather merchant i'm called, 'cause i've got
a position requiring
few cylinders firing.
if it's easy, i'll give it a shot.
"
"""you've a puppy love feeling right now.
when that calf love fades, don't have a cow.
youthful passion will pass.
though it runs out of gas,""
winked my dad, ""you should milk it, and how!""
"
"mid-depression (the year '33)
saw the start of the fdic.
just deposit your dough.
you'll be happy to know
it's insured.  that assures you and me.
"
"""you have something to offer?  you say
it's of value?  in what kind of way?""
""i can bring to the table
the fact that i'm able
to service your members today.""
"
"when my decent (kind, moral) betrothed
met my parents, at first they both loathed
her appearance.  they saw
her in panties and bra ?
not so decent (sufficiently clothed).
"
"with the straightest of faces, this guy
who is heavy in scandal will lie,
and no knowledge he'll claim.
with no prints laying blame,
culpability he will deny.
"
"the result of a hookup gone bad,
my daughter's best friend never had
any male in the role
of a father.  that hole
has been filled; i'm her surrogate dad.
"
"i thought things were going so well
till she vanished completely.  she fell
off the face of the earth.
i received a wide berth.
i don't know where she went.  hope it's hell.
"
"sweet molly's m.d. diagnosed
her with ""fever.""  with meds she was dosed.
with just febrifuge use ?
though it helped to reduce
her high temp ? she soon gave up the ghost.
"
"to stay single, he'd taken a vow.
after many long years, he says ciao
to his bachelor life.
he adores his new wife.
just call arnold a benedict now.
"
"""you're under arrest,"" said the cop.
i stole snacks from the old corner shop.
that was dumb.  i got hauled
off to jail.  i'm appalled
now, 'cause all i can eat is this slop.
"
"violinists use bows when they play,
and these bows are called fiddlesticks.  they,
for some reason, became
what some people exclaim
when they're mad and they watch what they say.
"
"i lost nerve and gave up in our game
known as chicken where daring's the aim.
as we stood back to back,
i leapt first from the track.
my friend won, but no win can he claim.
"
"""a calamitous outcome is near,""
warns our leader, apocalypse seer.
no collapse of the skies
will befall us; this guy's
chicken little, a merchant of fear.
"
"human apathy's much more routine
the more people there are on the scene
of a victim's distress.
chance of aid is much less.
we think, ""let someone else intervene.""
"
"i go out with a cougar named gert.
she's well-off, whereas i'm poor as dirt.
she will pay me with meals
and with gifts.  when she feels
in the mood, i pay her with dessert.
"
"kevin won rightful claim to my hand.
he possesses my heart.  understand?
no one else i'll let enter
my carnal nerve center.
my body's his occupied land.
"
"""men, i'm hoping to see a clean fight,""
said the bout's referee.  since that night,
there's been one rules addition.
the boxing commission
amended them slightly: don't bite.
"
"my football coach said, ""it appears
that your bodily fear interferes
with the way this game's played.""
seems i'm also afraid
words can hurt ? his have brought me to tears.
"
"""kids, thanks for the card.  tell your mother
today i go choreless.""  ""oh, brother!
i heard that!  this one day
in june, the third sunday,
for you is just like any other!""
"
"so what?  it's a botched execution.
this killer received retribution.
you call writhing in pain
before death inhumane?
i'd have gone with a shotgun solution.
"
"in your bandwagon fallacy, you
are supporting a popular view
that may counter the facts,
but because it attracts
many people, you take it as true.
"
"""my dog ate my homework.""  ""i see.
that's a worn-out excuse.  could it be
that you just didn't do it
on time or thought, 'screw it'?""
""you've got to be kidding!  not me!""
"
"our charter is seen as a flaw
to obama.  what sticks in his craw?
it won't let him be king.
and the funniest thing ?
he once taught constitutional law.
"
"""there's a chance i'll attract gabrielle.""
""ha!  don't bet on it.  kev, i should tell,
as your friend, that will happen
when pigs start to flappin'
their wings.  there ain't no way in hell.""
"
"the rules of the road i obey,
like i drive 55. every day
it occurs without fail:
jerks are riding my tail
yelling, ""buddy, get outta the way!""
"
"no seller of fish is my mate,
who's a fishwife.  i found out too late
she's the kind who is coarse,
who will nag with such force
that i really just want to cut bait.
"
"to the left and the right of the sign
known as equals expressions align
(that is if your math talents
can make the two balance).
equations ? no talent of mine.
"
"god, my prayer's still unanswered.  my yen
is to date gals who rate a strong ten.
let it be.  make it so.
work your magic.  hello?
are you there?  can i get an amen?
"
"said a zealot of black liberation,
""we're held captive by white domination.
the good book will attest
god helps all the oppressed;
therefore, long live our victimization!""
"
"the makers and sellers of clothes
put on great fashion industry shows.
i attend, not for styles.
what elicits my smiles?
the models.  i want one of those.
"
"both writer and star at the dawn
of hee haw (vaudevillian spawn),
archie campbell told jokes,
entertaining the folks
till the eighties when?pffft!?he was gone.
"
"my sanity's near on the skids,
doing this, doing that for my kids.
i so need some alone time,
some me time, my own time,
which parenthood often forbids.
"
"boyce and hart are best known as the team
who wrote hits for the monkees: their theme,
also ""valleri,"" ""she,""
and ""i wanna be free.""
i rate ""last train to clarksville"" supreme.
"
"our southern politeness is part
of our charm.  if you're not very smart,
not a brain in your head,
and if something you said
is just dumb, we'll exclaim, ""bless your heart!""
"
"i am not ideology guided.
this fence sitter's often derided
by those with a bent.
i, in polls, represent
those not for or against: undecided.
"
"a corporate executive, bill
daily shows his high management skill.
we were shocked when his wife
spread the truth about life
on the home front: he bows to her will.
"
"""an exemplar of beauty is sue.
she's a model of excellence who
is of highest degree.
thus, no equal has she.""
""and you think there's a chance she'll date you?""
"
"""do you copy that?""  ""yes sir, i do.""
i told cap that his message came through
loud and clear.  his command
i could well understand.
how to get the task done?  i'd no clue.
"
"with the cards stacked against me, i know
that good luck is not likely to show.
my prediction?  the day
when success comes my way
will see hell as a blanket of snow.
"
"i've a friendly and sociable pal.
she's a constant companion, that val.
she can be sympathetic.
her charm is magnetic.
she's simply a fellowly gal.
"
"he makes ludicrous claims now and then,
but the outward appearance of ben
seems quite genuine.  yes,
he's a hunk.  i confess:
at face value, i rate him a ten.
"
"reporters who seek to expose
corrupt leaders experience woes.
their computers are hacked.
and their phone records?  tracked.
seamy deeds, thus, they're loath to disclose.
"
"two disciples ensepulchred christ,
wrapped in linens quite heavily spiced.
my belief?  then a guard
didn't try very hard
to stop robbers who planned a christ heist.
"
"the castaways had their entire
hit output with this: ""liar, liar.""
nothing else came as close.
though they said adios
to success, they were briefly on fire.
"
"""how i wish i could head in reverse.
no more birthdays.  my pains are a curse.""
""as we age, we all ache.
we're not dead, for christ's sake!
most agree: that alternative's worse.""
"
"""all the presents are packed on the sleigh.
where is rudolph?  he's leading the way.""
""his bright nose led him down
to a section downtown.
check the district with red light display.""
"
"i will fix freddie's wagon.  no more
will he wrong me.  i'll settle this score
and get even, dadgum!
his comeuppance will come.
i'm not playing.  i will win this war.
"
"""on the first of each month your rent's due!""
screamed my landlord.  ""it's damn d?j? vu!
it's again two weeks late!
have you noticed the date:
the fifteenth?  think i'll find someone new.""
"
"so i moved to this state just to run
for the senate.  so what?  it's been done
many times, you agree.
with some luck, i can be
just like hillary clinton: she won.
"
"the corsairs' claim to fame was the song
""smoky places.""  they wouldn't stay long
in the public's embrace;
future hits failed to place.
that one time, though, they couldn't go wrong.
"
"""you can keep what you've got, no dispute.
that's a promise, a firm absolute.
end of story.""  we liked
what we had.  with rates spiked,
we get socked.  can we give him the boot?
"
"at career day, a cobbler named paul
said, ""this instrument, pointed and small,
is the tool that i use
to make holes in the shoes,
which i stitch, pushing thread, and that's awl.""
"
"""like your doctor and plan?""  he held firm:
""you can keep them.""  not true.  what a worm!
he's now hearing the tales
of the people's travails,
which will dog him the rest of his term.
"
"i was not in the mood to serve food
to that customer, visibly rude.
eighty-sixing the guy
left his gut high and dry,
giving rise to some expletives spewed.
"
"definitions can just go away
if you really don't like what they say.
just ask apple. they'll dele
all defs you find really
offensive. that's totally gay!
"
"i went to a priest and confessed
that i'd spied on a woman's big chest.
father quinn counseled, ""say
ten hail marys and pray.""
like that woman, i too was then blessed.
"
"employment is on the decline.
the economy's not looking fine.
good or bad, either way,
i can honestly say
that my factory job's on the line.
"
"the chorus judge grimaced.  ""ahem...""
then he praised with intent to condemn
indirectly: ""...see those in
the back i've not chosen?
you sing slightly better than them.""
"
"though my boss is a dimwit, i say
nothing bad.  my tongue's bitten each day.
my contempt he won't see.
if i nod and agree,
in this lucrative job i can stay.
"
"richard's fettered.  he writes from fort lee:
""i'm in shackles.  please help.  set me free.""
that reminds me: i'm bound
by a cheese block i downed.
now i can't get this poop outta me!
"
"though they hailed from san fran, ccr
had a southern rock sound.  they went far,
yet the best they could do
was to reach number two,
the most times without clearing that bar.
"
"the president's actions bring grief
to our troops, who, in stark disbelief,
are embarrassed.  while curbing
their tongues, it's disturbing
to call him commander in chief.
"
"there are subsidies, tax breaks, and more
in that christmas tree bill on the floor
of the senate.  campaign
contributions explain
why they're hanging amendments galore.
"
"i suffer from weight loss humility.
it's useless.  i have no ability.
all day long i could run,
but the pounds melted?  none.
it's an exercise done in futility.
"
"are you trapped in your job?  feeling bored?  it
is freedom you want?  be rewarded.
cut your hours and pay
in a subsidized way.
hey, the hard-working folks can afford it.
"
"at this radio station, i'm zappin'
the four-letter words people happen
to say on the air.
that's my dump button there.
i'll be bleep, in deep bleep if caught nappin'.
"
"can they prove global warming?  they can't.
still, ""the science is settled,"" they rant.
stating ""facts"" (unreliable,
unverifiable
data) will get you a grant.
"
"what's the point having border patrol
when they're stuck in a caregiving role?
unaccompanied kids
by the thousands forbids
stopping those who've our land as their goal.
"
"""don't be angry"": the first of the three
nappy brown hits (top ten, r&b).
far behind, though, was ""little
by little,"" and it'll
be always a riddle to me.
"
"a fixer arranges for clients'
immunity via reliance
on tampering.  judges
or juries get nudges
with bribes meant to buy their compliance.
"
"from my life, she'd been absent awhile.
now this blast from the past makes me smile.
i had so much to learn.
with her welcome return,
i'm determined to court her in style.
"
"long before you were even the gleam
in your father's eye, we were a team
back in college.  the thought
of you came when... i ought
to shut up.  it involves some whipped cream.
"
"the term crabs in a bucket means should
you try fleeing a place like the hood
for a better life, some
who are envious scum
would prevent your escape if they could.
"
"first they came for (arrested, detained)
all the socialists.  no one complained:
we weren't them.  then their troops
kept on rounding up groups.
my turn came, but no voices remained.
"
"you complain over little things.  why, baby?
must you be always a crybaby?
you whine in excess.
it's past time i address
this behavior by saying goodbye, baby.
"
"with nicole the sole thought on my mind,
i was fixed on her beauty but blind
to the damage she did.
now i want to get rid
of her name the tattooist designed.
"
"""rubber duckie"" hit number 16
(1970).  ernie is keen
on the song when he's taking
a bath while he's making
himself and his duck squeaky clean.
"
"i was singing an aerosmith track,
when my volume came under attack:
""you're too loud!"" yelled the boss,
who was visibly cross ?
that on-hold music's great! ? ""dial it back!""
"
"my penis was buried within
pubic fat ? also way too much skin.
and the first thing i said
after tons of weight shed?
""it's been ages, bud.  how have you been?""
"
"engulfment was jessica's goal.
she was fully engrossed, heart and soul,
in consuming her man.
""best get out while you can,""
warned his friends, ""or she'll swallow you whole.""
"
"behind scrimmage lines, footballs get thrown
toward the other team's point-scoring zone.
forward passes, once banned,
made the offense expand
and cut down on the fractures of bone.
"
"ashamed to admit he's a brony,
a mafia hitman named tony
acts tough whacking men
every day.  ah, but then
he goes home to watch my little pony.
"
"with cross-reading, current events
will, no doubt, appear ludicrous.  hence,
note that columns display
in a vertical way.
you'll find news stories making more sense.
"
"expeditions they go on.  they're fishing
for damaging info and wishing
to sniff out the one
absolute smoking gun.
as of yet, it's mere gossip they're dishing.
"
"from findon or findhorn, there came
fine smoked haddock; scots gave it the name
finnan haddie.  this treat,
cured with green wood and peat,
sure puts most other seafood to shame.
"
"when you gossip about me, i bridle.
don't use talk that is foolish or idle.
clishmaclaver is rude.
put a lid on it, dude,
or i'm apt to become homicidal.
"
"this tale would surprise even ripley:
two singers named brewer and shipley
got banned with ""one toke""
while two welk folks (no joke),
gail and dale, sang it wholly unhiply.
"
"from my 80-pound frame (twelve years old),
i'm now 400 pounds.  what took hold
was an appetite great.
you can see, with my weight
increased fivefold, i've many a fold.
"
"the golf course was calling: yoo-hoo!
but the optics look bad in review.
now he's thinking he'll trot
out a mulligan shot:
""hey, a do-over!  that's what i'll do!""
"
"whatever your traveling mode
via italy's streets, my map showed
that it's true what they say:
an approachable way
to reach rome is to take any road.
"
"nigel said he was looking to get
him a fag.  i approached him.  ""no sweat,""
i then told him.  ""i'm gay.""
but he screamed, ""go away!
all i want is a damn cigarette!""
"
"the process is rigged but seems fair.
the fix is in.  naught's on the square.
the outcome is set
in advance.  what we get
has us heaving the sighs of despair.
"
"once a beacon for others, this nation
has slid toward decivilization.
we're more savage these days
with our violent displays.
we're in need of a mass restoration.
"
"remember the divinization
of obama?  the deification?
he was called ""the messiah.""
he's now a pariah
to many and worth condemnation.
"
"growth was negative (read gdp)
in the first quarter.  what did we see
in the second (4/1
through 6/30)?  no sun.
from recession we've yet to break free.
"
"mom said, ""beauty is only skin deep.
such foundations for romance are cheap.
the person inside
is a far better guide.
know their soul before taking a leap.""
"
"the book of love's chapters are four:
show her love in your heart to the core;
say you never will leave;
love's true meaning, perceive;
though you part, get together once more.
"
"hormones rush; heart and breathing rates get
ramped way up when we're faced with a threat.
we can choose to use force
to resist.  i, of course,
run away.  am i wimpy?  you bet!
"
"my date i had failed to excite.
the big o wasn't reached on that night.
""it's no biggie,"" she said.
then i chided: ""instead,
say it's not too important, all right?""
"
"my mom's an enabler.  that's why it
is tough when i'm trying to diet.
she never thinks twice
about feeding my vice
with that junk food.  i scold her, ""don't buy it!""
"
"the democrats soundly got beat.
they went down in disastrous defeat.
the election-night rout
of these clowns had me shout
just one word on their ass-whooping: ""sweet!""
"
"his personal demons were booze
and depression.  he's now in the news
not for films or tv.
robin's dark side we see,
and a great comic genius we lose.
"
"our president's lame, for the birds.
i just knew that the voters, in herds,
would remove him: i said,
""mark my words.""  now instead
of you marking, i'm eating my words.
"
"the amboy dukes rocked with their sound,
but alas, just one hit came around:
they were looking to enter
the cognitive center,
and number 16's what they found.
"
"""we're engaged, dad, and words cannot say
just how much we're in love.  the big day
is in june of next year.
will you stand by me?""  ""dear,
with a tear i will give you away.""
"
"life was peaceful and tranquil.  thanks, herb,
for the bedlam you brought me.  i'll curb
this disquietment now,
and i damn well know how:
with a sign saying do not disturb.
"
"post cardiac surgery, kim
expressed love to her doc on a whim.
now she says with despair,
""guess he just doesn't care...
and i opened my heart out to him!""
"
"big brother, a blues and rock breed,
scored their highest when janis sang lead.
joplin played a big part
making ""piece of my heart"" ?
their sole hit ? a true beauty indeed.
"
"medieval tribes lucas and lawson
fought feudally.  neither will toss in
the towel just yet.
hell, these clans even met
on tv with the host richard dawson.
"
"foster brooks garnered fame fairly late
in his life.  as a drunk, he was great!
his hiccups, slurred talk,
and his staggering walk
were his gimmick: a very stewed state.
"
"the economy's not gonna soar
till the president heads out the door.
his progressive solution
means redistribution
of income till everyone's poor.
"
"my candidate hopes?  a dead-ender.
my efforts i had to surrender.
funds too low can't sustain
an effective campaign.
i gave up.  coulda been a contender.
"
"she danced, and she sang, and she acted.
shirley temple, a child star, attracted
many filmgoers.  later,
two presidents made her
an envoy.  diplomacy black did.
"
"when i put a committee together
to help in determining whether
to seek nomination,
it led to frustration.
support was as light as a feather.
"
"they detained a conservative guy
trashing president lefty.  but why?
he's no threat.  small potatoes,
he's throwing tomatoes.
there are much bigger fish they could fry.
"
"you're a damn broken record.  you say
the same thing all the time.  every day
all i hear: ""let's have sex...
let's have sex...let's have sex...""
if it makes you shut up, then okay.
"
"""jeans and t-shirt?  to see that is brutal,""
said stylishly dressed yankee doodle,
a dandy, ""but passion
for clothing of fashion
is what i'd call using your noodle.""
"
"your friend fixed us up on a date.
introducing us proved to be fate.
there's no romance we share,
but we sure are a pair.
how'd she know that the sex would be great?
"
"""have you fixed on a date for the wedding?""
""yes.  we've chosen the time and the setting,
the month and the day,
but i really can't say
if it's jenny or joanie i'm getting.""
"
"we have born days ? that's life from outside
of the womb ? but it can't be implied
that our life here on earth,
from the time of our birth,
means we've death days that start when we've died.
"
"i just bought this old house for a steal.
it needs mega repairs.  in this real
fixer-upper i'll dwell
till it's ready to sell.
then my plan is to make a great deal.
"
"you're a drag on the whole human race.
your sole purpose is taking up space.
you're a cumberground: useless.
your life is excuseless.
good god!  you have no saving grace.
"
"the elegants, briefly, were quite
the sensation, with fame beaming bright
for their song ""little star.""
on the charts, just how far
did it climb?  to the ultimate height.
"
"the ""five-o"" in hawaii five-o
is a reference to what?  think you know?
it is meant to relate
to the fiftieth state
and is also the squad on that show.
"
"echo chambers on facebook are all
that she seeks when she writes on her wall
about matters political.
i was too often critical,
which led to her friendship withdrawal.
"
"i live life in a fishbowl each day.
nothing's private with all on display.
people scrutinize me
for the foibles they see.
for my fame, that's the price that i pay.
"
"""come to jesus!"" the church folk kept drumming
into all of our heads, but it's numbing
to at last see the light.
all this theft, murder, blight?
come to jesus?  huh!  jesus ain't coming.
"
"""i'll deal now with this matter,"" said keith,
""or the problems that stir underneath
will see light.  then the sum
of my troubles will come
back to bite me with much bigger teeth.""
"
"in the government shutdown, ted cruz
received blame.  ""even more seats we'll lose,""
thought the gop head.
but what happened instead
was more red.  now the dems have the blues.
"
"what was chemgrass at first then became
known as astroturf, earning the name
from a ballpark in houston.
players noticed a boost in
their pain, cutting years from their game.
"
"can-do attitudes help see us through
to completion of tasks.  i just knew,
if i tried and i tried,
i could date her.  denied,
i recall her harsh words: ""no can do.""
"
"remember the unification?
no red states, no blue states, one nation?
disagree with him now,
and you're evil somehow
and a danger.  (that's demonization.)
"
"bought and paid for, in many respects,
are those veiled politicians.  execs
with their lobbies hold sway.
what the candidates say
oft depends on the size of the checks.
"
"my fish tale ? i thought people bought
it hook, line, and sinker.  distraught,
i came to find out
that they knew all about
my big lie; it was i who was caught.
"
"""fee-fi-fo-fum!"" came the yell
of the giant, who sensed a bad smell
from the englishman jack.
he continued, ""ack!  ack!
you filled up on those beans!  bloody hell!""
"
"drunken teens?  that's not us.  we're a rare group
of revelers.  ours is no bare group
on beaches.  spring break
is a time we partake
in a feast of the lord in our prayer group.
"
"i included my brother in prayers.
he was bed-bound and made no repairs
to his face-stuffing ways.
the result of this craze
was a call from the big guy upstairs.
"
"i went to my tailor, admitting,
""my slacks nearly rip when i'm sitting,
and my suit is tight too.""
he knew just what to do.
now it's fitting i go for a fitting.
"
"a terrorist yelled among peers
at a party, ""let's lift up our beers!
here's a toast to our health,
to our wealth, and our stealth!
oh, yeah. death to america!  cheers!""
"
"""prohibition's the worst!""  ""though we're dry
as a nation, we still can get high.
you're naive, overlooking
this fuel for cooking:
canned heat.""  ""but i don't wanna die!""
"
"there once was a singer named carr
(first name cathy), who didn't go far.
her one song that had power
was ""ivory tower,""
which fleetingly made her a star.
"
"with foresighted prudence pooh-poohed,
i'd no plan.  looking back, i'd have viewed,
with a much keener eye,
what the future held.  why
did i waste all my money?  i'm screwed!
"
"johnny c had just fleeting renown
but was dubbed ""the fantastic.""  his crown
had one jewel: he lit
up two charts with a hit.
it was broadway he boogalooed down.
"
"george harrison, out of the blue,
had a tune in his head he thought new.
cryptomnesia occurred.
he forgot that he'd heard
""he's so fine""; it's from this that he drew.
"
"oh, acnestis!  alas, i can't reach you.
beg pardon, dear sir, let me teach you
this term if you're not
in the know.  it's this spot
on my back.  scratch my itch!  i beseech you!
"
"whatever the president's doing
is failing, and now he's pursuing
the same path with heightened
commitment.  enlightened,
he's not.  guess we're in for more screwing.
"
"my wife says, because i get flirty
in chatrooms with paula (she's purty!),
it's a cyber affair.
sure, deep feelings we share,
but it's not like we're doing the dirty.
"
"we had only a couple days there,
and to tour all of london's a bear.
on advice, we tried flightseeing:
the same thing as sightseeing
except you see sights from the air.
"
"ping bodie, who played alongside
the bambino, took pride when he vied
with an ostrich at eating
spaghetti and beating
the bird, who, it's rumored, then died.
"
"wish to model?  well, here's the real deal:
i'm bound by my conscience ? i feel
it's my duty ? to warn
of purveyors of porn,
which those want ads are loath to reveal.
"
"clement moore's seventh reindeer was dunder,
and his eighth was named blixem.  no wonder
they're linked.  as a matter
of fact, the dutch latter
meant lightning; the former meant thunder.
"
"i'm ready and able and willing
to use my expansive bit.  drilling,
i find, is so cool!
my adjustable tool
can do different-sized holes.  man, that's thrilling!
"
"affluenza's the sickness i caught:
guilt from all of the riches i sought.
unfulfillment's what reigned
the more goods i attained.
truly, happiness cannot be bought.
"
"in the morgue, she id'd him, her gloom
on display.  in the property room,
his effects she was given.
""how can i keep livin'?""
she asked.  day to day, i presume.
"
"""do you say michiganian?""  ""no.
i prefer michigander.  although
lincoln coined it to diss
our state's governor, this
is the term by which most of us go.""
"
"effervescently charged at the start,
we have gradually drifted apart,
losing all of our sizzle.
we've witnessed love fizzle,
fade out like a soft, airy fart.
"
"master satan is calling on you.
you're his favorite barber ? it's true ?
'cause you're keenly aware
how he wishes his hair
to be styled. give the devil his do.
"
"folky ""mule skinner blues"" was the seed.
later, guys of a whole nother breed
called the fendermen totally
changed it with yodely
laughs and guitar licks on speed.
"
"a drag on the national ticket,
the president, deep in the thicket
of impotence, calls.
running dems put up walls,
and they tell him politely to stick it.
"
"she gave me the buzzer effect,
saying, ""surely, you didn't expect
i'd say yes.""  i said, ""so
then i guess that's a no.""
she said, ""ding, ding, ding, ding!  you're correct!""
"
"that assembly, factitiously made,
is a sham: unions staged this charade.
of the ""protesters"" there,
most are props who don't care
in the least for the cause.  they were paid.
"
"in his sesame 18-year run,
northern calloway's life came undone.
as david we knew him.
mental illness: that threw him.
when he died, he was just forty-one.
"
"i'm an atheist.  church ain't my game.
i will only attend if the aim
of a loved one's to wed
or a loved one drops dead.
some may joke that they're one and the same.
"
"my agenda will not be impeded.
unilateral action is needed.
checks and balances?  pshaw.
i can make my own law,
the congressional branch superseded.
"
"you call me a duck squeezer.  what
you require is a kick in the butt.
ddt, cfcs,
plastic bags: all of these
we should ban or we'll die.  who's the nut?
"
"""there's a song i just love that's top class.
i've a favor to ask you,"" said cass
to the deejay.  ""you'd do
me a solid if you
could play 'jumpin' jack flash.'  it's a gas!""
"
"with the end of december upon
all the world, father time marches on
to the sunset.  before
time goes out the back door,
baby new year's been passed the baton.
"
"some thought that they hadn't much weight
in the music realm, but with a spate
of top tens, 12 in all,
in soft pop, they stood tall.
yes, the carpenters truly were great.
"
"baldwin couldn't hear sermons ? a shame.
this strict mormon gained subsequent fame.
he devised an invention
that allowed close attention
to god's words. over headphones they came.
"
"if men shave in the morning, by late
afternoon some slight stubble's their fate.
they've a shadow at five,
and it could well deprive
them of winning a tv debate.
"
"conservative groups they equate
to a danger, no friends of the state;
but the actual loons
are the government goons
who are keen on destroying debate.
"
"i was taught how to spot a good deal
by my mom, but i totally feel,
with small items, that i've
got a better way: five-
finger discounts.  they're grabbed for a steal.
"
"have you heard of that man frankie ford?
just one time on the pop charts he scored.
the top 20 he found
with the rock 'n' roll sound
launching ""sea cruise.""  the teens got on board.
"
"these models are gorgeous ? and how!
and their outfits are totally wow!
i'm a fashion show nut.
i like watching them strut
and sashay down the catwalk.  meeeow!
"
"in minstrel shows, once all the rage,
whites wore blackface and took to the stage.
with burnt cork on the face,
they lampooned the black race.
we are thankfully past that dark age.
"
"if i'm driving, i try not to skip
any comfort stations while on a trip,
'cause i never know when
i will see one again.
i may go many miles, and there's zip.
"
"on the book that i wrote, i got feedback.
reaction was harsh: don't proceed back
to writing another?;
godawful!; oh, brother!;
the cash used to buy this i need back.
"
"when he stepped in his tub, water rose
with its volume displaced.  i suppose
archimedes flipped out,
with ""eureka!"" his shout,
as he ran through the streets with no clothes.
"
"my debate prep at school hit a snag.
right-wing sites they apparently tag
as offensive.  my side
has its access denied.
i showed up with my mouth in a gag.
"
"obama is freeing jihadis,
disprisoning killers.  my god!  he's
a nut!  what's he think?
hatred toward us will shrink?
we'll see more dead american bodies.
"
"i've a gal on the side.  when that cutie calls
or texts me, it's always for booty calls.
my oblivious wife
thinks it's part of my life
as a volunteer fireman when ""duty"" calls.
"
"when faced with that challenge, you ran.
when life throws you curveballs, your plan
should be tackling these things
with the courage of kings.
have some balls!  c'mon, ann!  be a man!
"
"to the ivies i chose to apply.
were it not for my grade point (not high),
a shoo-in i'd be.
no such college for me:
it is there but for test scores go i.
"
"they found on the person of rex
an engagement ring, love note, and specs.
now his sad fianc?e's
at the morgue in a daze.
she's collecting these special effects.
"
"keep your cold city sidewalks; they're scary.
my favorance? life on the prairie.
i feel free on the plains;
they've sunk deep in my veins.
urban living? eat, drink, but be wary.
"
"take a look in my top 40 book
under benton, the baritone brook.
many hits you will see.
if you heard my cd,
you'd agree that he had what it took.
"
"using back channels, hillary shuns
how, officially, government runs.
private emails she's got.
dirty dealings are not
to be found: she deletes smoking guns.
"
"it's april 15.  we all know
that's the deadline for taxes we owe
based on how much we've earned
the past year.  we got burned:
""we made that much?  but where'd it all go?""
"
"""be aboveboard,"" said sandy to steve.
""keep your cards in plain sight.  don't deceive.""
still, she lost at strip poker.
that fully clothed joker
played aces he kept up his sleeve.
"
"egregious, an interesting word,
once meant ""great,"" ""standing out from the herd.""
now it's ""flagrant,"" ""deplorable,""
""shocking,"" and ""horrible.""
an utter one-eighty occurred.
"
"ronnie dove hit where ballads are breezy
(five top tens).  but in pop?  not so easy.
rock 'n' roll, in full swing,
was the happening thing.
many teens, therefore, thought his songs cheesy.
"
"these cookies are folded and thin
and have fortunes on paper within
with predictions.  it seems
all the time mine have themes
like your life is a game you can't win.
"
"higher pay over time is a shame
when we can't get ahead of the game.
we see taxes go up
with inflation and ? yup ?
our real purchasing power's the same.
"
"my periods?  flowers, mom said.
and i learned that my vulva instead
was my flower.  amused
by the terms that i used,
my friends laughed, and my face turned beet red.
"
"my pent-up emotions increased
with her nagging.  i had them released
when i blew off some steam
with a loud primal scream.
if i hadn't, she might be deceased.
"
"for gayle, i had such a fixation.
what started as preoccupation
had turned to obsession
then stalking aggression.
they're booking me down at the station.
"
"handling fish (also seafood in shells,
like the cockles and mussels she sells)
compels molly to spend
each day's end with a friend:
a nice bath (to kill fishmonger smells).
"
"parabolically arcing across
were the chainsaws i happened to toss.
what i'd planned was they'd land
in the opposite hand,
but i suffered a permanent loss.
"
"sis entered upon dad's estate:
""took possession,"" not ""passed through the gate.""
she was always his favorite.
that's why he gave her it.
sound mind?  uh... that's up for debate.
"
"""take a shower, my daughter,"" i said,
""cuz we're going to grandma's.""  ahead
of her shower, her aim
was to finish the game
on her phone.  she said, ""wait till i'm dead.""
"
"the house is in gop hands
and the senate now too.  this demands
i make laws on my own
with a pen and a phone.
whatever i order, it stands.
"
"not too tight, but you don't want to scrimp
on the firmness with lifeless and limp
dead fish handshakes.  so skip
any lackluster grip
or else people might think you're a wimp.
"
"at her work, kate gets many a stare
with her business-provocative wear.
her sexy attire
fills men with desire
and gives women a reason to glare.
"
"""her husband is trapped like a rat,
and he needs extrication.  this cat
drove straight offa this pier.""
""in these waters?  oh, dear!
that great white!  get the jaws of life!  stat!""
"
"i'm so sick of the word conversation
from those who propose, as a nation,
we talk.  exchanged thought
and opinions aren't sought;
to lecture's their prime motivation.
"
"in combat-engaged situations,
confusion and miscalculations
can happen.  the more
fog of war for one's corps,
the less dominance shown by their nations.
"
"there were times when my life saw me stray.
in review with st. peter today,
i made known what i'd change.
he said, ""god won't arrange
for a do-over, son.  better pray.""
"
"our eternal rest comes when we die,
'cause it looks like we're sleeping.  but why
use this phrase?  just the body
stops functioning.  god?  he
takes souls to live on in the sky.
"
"quickly lower the accident boat!
that man's overboard, barely afloat!
the sea's angry and vast!
we must rescue him fast
before water gets past the guy's throat!
"
"lord, i'm one, two, three, four, lord, i'm five
hundred miles from my home.  if i drive
straight on through and include
breaks for potty and food,
about dinnertime's when i'll arrive.
"
"""can you guess what my job is?  i try
to find evidence, which i can tie
to a person, the kind
with a criminal mind.""
""i'm not blind to your clues.  you're an eye.""
"
"i remarked to my classmate, ""you're fat.""
warned ms. klein, ""that word's banned!  don't say that!""
""gosh, i'm sorry,"" i said
to the kid, ""you're well-fed.
i mean well.  you are one hefty cat.""
"
"the killers seize more and more land,
yet our prez thinks we're crippling their brand.
what is obvious, he
just pretends not to see
as he buries his head in the sand.
"
"jimmy dean rose to national fame
for the song ""big bad john.""  he became
twice a tv show host,
but he's prob'ly known most
for the sausage brand bearing his name.
"
"jan berry, one half jan and dean,
was the force behind making the green,
as he sang, wrote, arranged,
and produced, but things changed
when he crashed in his screaming machine.
"
"for my crime, i am paying the price,
and the hoosegow will have to suffice
till i'm active again
with my plans.  until then,
this state cooler will keep 'em on ice.
"
"we are all in this mess to the hilt.
our society, once firmly built,
has its framework decayed.
our great fabric has frayed.
it is high time we sew a new quilt.
"
"homer's bust is the object of thought
as contemplative ari is brought
to the notion that fame
and success sure are lame,
and he envies the bard who has naught.
"
"evene came to pass as a word.
as it happened, this word had occurred
in our language for just
a short while then was thrust
to the dustbin of time, unpreferred.
"
"marcie blane, not a kid anymore
at eighteen, saw her ""bobby's girl"" soar
up the charts ? quite a feat!
but success din't repeat,
and she humbly slipped out the back door.
"
"any risky behavior invites
the potential for harm: ""these past nights,
you have slept with my gal.
you just asked for it, pal.
here comes trouble.""  i punched out his lights.
"
"i was certain.  i swore, ""i'll cavort
with that cutie.""  then came your retort:
""that's hilarious!  famous
last words, ignoramus.""
alas, you were right.  i fell short.
"
"solar times have a difference between
the apparent (the true) and the mean.
it is called the equation
of time.  on occasion,
agreement of both of them's seen.
"
"our democrat-light nominee
disagrees to a modest degree
with the lefties, whose hooks
are embedded.  this looks
like no two-party system to me.
"
"as fledglings, we rookies were new
to the scene, and we hadn't a clue
how a company runs.
the entrenched older guns
shot us down.  in two months, we were through.
"
"determining ways to reduce
carbon footprints, they monitor use
of our energy.  audits
like these don't get plaudits
from companies feeling the noose.
"
"i was stumped and upset.  every way
i knew how to convince her to stay
hadn't worked.  at wits' end,
i then learned from a friend
some hypnosis to make her obey.
"
"i know there were clank nappers here,
'cause my tankards of silver, i fear,
have been swiped.  more bad news:
they have stolen my brews,
so i can't even cry in my beer.
"
"""etiology tells us the source
of diseases.  you say you got hoarse
after one sloppy kiss
with that cute little miss?
she has mono.""  ""i'm lovesick!  of course!""
"
"go away!  don't come back, you big dick!
you're pernicious.  you need a swift kick.
your malevolent style
is unwelcome and vile.
you're a cancer who's making us sick.
"
"an apostrophe?!  jeez!  shoulda known
not to etch that.  the epitaph shown
is so wrong in its flagrance.
pick a rose and it's fragrance
remains is, alas, carved in stone.
"
"the coolidge effect is to blame
for me tiring sometimes of the same.
though i love you, i do,
i prefer someone new
to have sex with, provided she's game.
"
"""allow protesters space to destroy,""
said the mayor of baltimore.  oy!
while the cops' hands are tied,
it's as if she implied
to the vandals and looters, ""enjoy.""
"
"with her gaze on his flesh, ann began
her dishonest and secretive plan
as she selfishly drew
him away.  that tattoo
artist tramp had designs on my man.
"
"i perform secretarial work,
and in all of my years as his clerk,
he's not given one thing
on admin day in spring,
'cause my boss is a tightwad-ass jerk.
"
"there's only one source that they cite
for that article.  coming to light
is the truth about what
really happened.  tut, tut.
hire a fact checker, guys.  get it right.
"
"when a hamilton slur made the news,
the vp, aaron burr, blew a fuse
and demanded retraction.
none came. duel action
ensued, which saw hamilton lose.
"
"any sense or good judgment you had
is now gone.  this revue is just bad.
what's this old song and dance?
if you think you've a chance
to succeed with these follies, you're mad.
"
"if an item's exchanged, it's replaced
by a new one, like when i was faced
with your nagging nonstop.
i decided to swap
you for someone who's more to my taste.
"
"her focusing eases the pain.
with a singular thought on her brain,
her attention diverts
to an object.  the hurt's
slightly less.  more than worth it, her gain.
"
"there's something not right about chris.
in the yearbook, he's normal.  see this?
but now look over there.
see his long, wavy hair
and his boobs?  i sense something's amiss.
"
"boyd bennett appeared on the scene
with his rockets.  the song?  ""seventeen.""
then a sound-alike song
made the charts (not as strong).
after that, though, the teens?  none too keen.
"
"that chick's number?  i frequently wrote of it.
guys in the stalls got a load of it.
they're now met with chagrin
at this number has been
disconnected.  they sadly make note of it.
"
"canned heat played some songs from blues past
in their style.  just three hits they amassed.
though both founders have died,
the band's touring worldwide
still today (with a varying cast).
"
"""i like chasing the women,"" said dallas,
""but i need to feed length to my phallus.
i hook up just right
with my queens in the night.
just one pill makes me larger: cialis.""
"
"the fleetwoods came softly in song.
though their voices were not at all strong,
these two girls and a guy,
in one year, sure flew high
as two number one hits came along.
"
"at corporate, they finally got smart.
the execs of this grocery mart
allow scooters for just
the disabled.  you must,
if you're lazy or fat, push a cart.
"
"you were caught dead to rights ? in the act
of committing a crime; that's a fact.
you have nothing to say
to explain it away.
better hope that the jury is stacked.
"
"bad actors we see on the screen
rate as awful.  their talent is lean,
but they're harmless.  not so
for bad actors who go
around acting like tyrants.  they're mean!
"
"they waged genocide. many were lost.
by our soldiers, their border's now crossed.
does success have a measure
of blood and of treasure?
we ask, ""what's it worth?  at what cost?""
"
"pam and i get a nice invitation
to a wedding: a reno location.
one day, in our room,
she's in bed with the groom.
that's a double-down  disaggregation.
"
"when a cultural movement's complete,
older orders become obsolete.
michelangelo, say,
were he active today,
might have fashioned his david in peat.
"
"as madonna awaited her cue,
her young dresser had plenty to do:
it was off with a smock
which revealed a red frock
and a poodle romancing her shoe.
"
"disappearance is magic's best coup:
pull it off, there's a hullabaloo.
but without the reversal,
it's back to rehearsal.
gone for good? that's a shame. but who knew?
"
"he lay wasted and worthless and stoned,
a condition companions condoned.
but his grannie demurred
and his parents concurred.
in their wills he's cut off; he's disowned.
"
"thirteen of us under one roof
like a house in some marx brothers spoof ?
they're my kids? that's my wife?
is this really my life?
i demand some dispositive proof.
"
"the exhibit was short of colossal:
two footprints of paul the apostle,
a two-headed duck,
an ice-bound canuck,
and a gray brachiopoda fossil.
"
"adafina's a rich spanish stew
that's devised for the reverent jew.
one starts cooking quite slowly
on friday; it's wholly
complete after sabbath is through.
"
"the mood in our office was stressed,
so the corporate concierge did his best:
had appointments arranged,
had our rejects exchanged.
our spouses were duly impressed.
"
"a west indian blaff is a stew
made with pork or opossum, it's true.
or try plantain and fish ?
it's a flexible dish.
if you spice it right, nothing's taboo.
"
"two new rabbis have dressed their first deer:
she's been skinned and then emptied. they hear
someone say, ""don't employ 'em,
they're hunters ? like goyim.
bet they're noshing on chitlins and beer.""
"
"alighieri (that's dante) wrote well
of the sinners who suffer in hell:
some in fire, some in ice,
but each paying a price.
his inferno's the no hope hotel.
"
"three a.m., i'm alone and i'm fried,
and it's drizzling and frigid outside.
i'm not greedy; it's need,
so i beg, whine and plead.
but it's useless; i can't bum a ride.
"
"yes, his life has been rolling by dandily:
vegging out and avoiding work handily,
and when hot times recede,
he just harvests some weed
and the girls start appraising him randily.
"
"he's a chiseled depiction of fit ?
he's got clout and the quickness to hit.
then his nose takes a shot,
and it gushes ? a lot.
he's a bleeder; his game's not worth spit.
"
"in the birdcage, all flights are controlled.
an encroachment brings problems untold.
this ethereal box
is no hindrance to flocks
over runways, bedazzled and bold.
"
"i have lived through monsoon in mumbai,
clean forgot the fresh look of blue sky.
then the dry season came
like a confidence game.
could i move back to london? i'll try.
"
"a doodlebug lurks in his pit
for his prey to slide in on the grit.
with his pincers, like spikes,
the doodlebug strikes ?
thus an ant lion larva stays fit.
"
"don't be shy, man, this girl needs a kiss.
take my word, i'm an expert on this.
just tease her and squeeze her ?
i know it'll please her.
it's bulletproof, man; it can't miss.
"
"got an olive that's stuck in a jar,
or an itch on your back that's too far?
stop making excuses.
a bar spoon has uses
quotidian, nifty, bizarre.
"
"we were tight, even closer than kin ?
solid friendship, through thick and through thin.
it broke down and went sour
like old milk, past its hour.
it curdled. he's taken my lynn.
"
"she's determined to steam up her summers.
to her chamber she welcomes all comers.
that's a blanket approval.
now each nightly move'll
turn hubby's great summers to bummers.
"
"as my new badge of office suggests,
i do more than administer tests.
are you hired or fired?
is your license expired?
it reads, ""bureau of graft and requests.""
"
"a droodle's a sketch ? a device
devised by the great roger price.
make it cryptic and cute;
it absorbs the astute.
a surprising few lines will suffice.
"
"we have to look after the trees,
source of oxygen, shade, home to bees.
but defoliants grip 'em,
disastrously strip 'em
of leaves ? and they're left in the breeze.
"
"the islamic republic iran
enforces an alcohol ban,
but it's said booze from grapes
such as arak escapes.
add some anise and, hey, you're the man.
"
"they brought sites from the days of the knights
and rebuilt them near washington heights.
there are gardens, a view,
famous tapestries, too.
it's the cloisters, pastiche of delights.
"
"some ants go a very short way
for their cleptobiotic buffet.
stealing food from a neighbor
takes minimal labor.
symbiosis beats working all day.
"
"the bill spike's an office invention
with no artifice, airs or pretension:
a long nail through a board
on which records are stored,
and its weaponry worth deserves mention.
"
"m-my girl ch-ch-changed her vocation.
though she's trained in decor-cortication,
i've g-got a bad feeling
it's not bark that she's peeling:
sh-she strips to a staring ovation.
"
"my daughter's been sharing a pad.
but her roomie's bad medicine ? bad:
quite strikingly sexy,
she calls herself flexie
and sprawls about scantily clad.
"
"old zeke was a miner obsessed ?
his location kept close to his chest:
all those zaggings and ziggings
to get to his diggings,
but the yield? i just wasn't impressed.
"
"the reception just looked like a mess:
we were squabbling, down, i confess.
we were saved by a stranger,
a reunion arranger.
she's built bridges, she's quite the success.
"
"when the countdown had gotten to eight,
the platform gave under the weight.
for want of support,
we had to abort.
we'll rebuild and request a new date.
"
"from the fruit of the cucumber tree,
filipinos get vitamin c
in a sinigang stew
or a savory chew,
or a chutney, a curry or tea.
"
"""grab the goat"" is an alternate name
for afghani buzkashi, a game.
for a carcass you fight;
from your horseback, hold tight.
if you lose it, you'll wallow in shame.
"
"though they're leaving the tent, they're not gone.
catch their eyes; catch their ears; try a con.
the crowd's pouring out.
what's a carny about?
it's the blow-off; they're bushed. we're still on.
"
"my life as a camera is sweet
when a dolly grip acts as my feet:
he positions my rails,
laying rattle-free trails.
yes, a movie set setup's a treat.
"
"worked the kennedy place. the attraction?
the estate was the heart of the action.
there are rules, most unspoken,
and they mustn't be broken.
i was booted for compound infraction.
"
"from the drift deconstructing pangaea
came the palisades cliffs, an idea
of what god might instill
with a diabase sill
and a view that's a true panacea.
"
"a fool's errand doesn't produce.
it's completely absurd, of no use,
and is certain to fail.
you should bail from that trail.
staying on it, you'll chase a wild goose.
"
"a president uses his place
as a leader for making his case
with agendas.  his views
are more apt to make news ?
better chance at the public's embrace.
"
"i dated my patient.  no more.
our relationship's health was quite poor.
with our history rough
and no physical stuff,
i thought, ""what am i seeing her for?""
"
"dug in deep, with their heels taking root,
all of congress, in stubborn dispute,
is at loggerheads, stuck
to their guns.  it's tough luck
for our country.  let's give 'em the boot.
"
"""see this stone, small and flat?  see me grip it
twixt the index and thumb and then whip it
in the lake.  see it bounce
in increasing amounts.
wanna play ducks and drakes?""  ""meh, let's skip it.""
"
"six elephant ears were a treat.
flat, fried dough that is sugary sweet
was too good to pass by
at that street fair.  from my
dietitian i'm taking some heat.
"
"my vehicular act of aggression
was blatant.  this reckless expression,
in the onlookers' sights,
found me caught dead to rights
when i zoomed through a funeral procession.
"
"my confederate flag on display
meant to show southern pride, but the way
some have viewed it ? they called me
a racist ? appalled me.
i thought i best put it away.
"
"you say that your health care is free?
nothing's free.  you can state you don't see
any charge for your care.
you're perhaps unaware
that they sock it to people like me.
"
"one of hitler's top henchman, he gave
up his conscience and served as a slave.
was eichmann psychotic
or merely robotic
in herding a mass to the grave?
"
"that smithsonian stuff he despised ?
thought mementos were overly prized ?
even spurned mit
(it's the i, don't you see?),
so he's deinstitutionalized.
"
"we work bunco; it's named for a game.
busting swindles ? our squad's claim to fame.
the perps of these crimes,
all these low-lifes, these slimes
will con anyone ? no hint of shame.
"
"when applying a dry rub to meat,
get its surfaces covered, complete
with that blending of flavors,
of spices and savors
that will draw strangers in from the street.
"
"""you want me,"" he said. she declined.
""i won!"" he was two laps behind.
there's no dream, it would seem,
too far out, too extreme.
he believes, but it's all in his mind.
"
"is the new girl maltese or bavarian?
were her ancestors sikh or hungarian?
spelling schism or gneiss,
bourgeoisie, even vise
will astonish an abecedarian.
"
"the bindery chose a doublure
both to signify class and endure.
as you open this book,
you will not overlook
its leatherwork's craft and allure.
"
"you do magic? then, wave your baton
and transport me to lake atitl?n.
let me soak up those views:
luscious greens, lucid blues.
guatemala enchants ? bring it on.
"
"my points have been coming all day.
the bones have been rolling my way.
cash in; let it ride?
with the dice on my side,
should i pocket my profits or play?
"
"my face is a fright; it's alarming.
i'm tongue-tied on dates and not charming,
though with weights, i do curls ?
when i'm shirtless, the girls
find my big, bulging biceps disarming.
"
"my brother's an air-hog. he soars
in an updraft: that lift he adores.
by the face of a bluff
where the current's enough,
his hang time will always best yours.
"
"anatomical snuffbox it's called.
near the base of my thumb ? i'm enthralled!
when i'm sniffing some snuff,
it'll hold just enough,
lower back of the hand ? pre-installed.
"
"she seemed delicate, graceful and pure,
and her language controlled and demure,
but she flipped, blew her cork
(shocked a club in new york) ?
introduce her to mom? i'm not sure.
"
"got a goal, gotta push, get ahead;
hate to bully, but fail and we're dead.
""hey, boss, is it lunchtime?""
""back to work, man, it's crunch time.
you can eat when we put this to bed.""
"
"need a smith, a wrought iron supplier,
to control the air forced through your fire?
where your metalwork needs it,
my bellows just feeds it ?
it's air under pressure, for hire.
"
"one way parliament battled the hun
was an act that some soon wished undone:
with lloyd george at the helm,
the defence of the realm
act called ""time"" on the beer drinkers' fun.
"
"at alfred, lord tennyson's side
at westminster, you won't find his bride.
but you will see his bust
(it remains there, i trust) ?
at the abbey, things tend to abide.
"
"she spent years on her coffee plantation
in kenya, seduced by that nation.
her love's death in a crash
and her farm's bleeding cash
caused ms. blixen to quit the location.
"
"i deplaned on the apron, alone,
in that deafening in-between zone,
with my stuff by my side,
nearly there, but outside
of the terminal, soaked to the bone.
"
"the fur trader, john jacob astor,
was developing faster and vaster.
he bought chunks of manhattan
to make his purse fatten ?
in life's chess game, unquestioned grandmaster.
"
"engine's smoking. right, now i'm awake!
something fell; a wing started to shake.
after glitch piled on glitch,
we decided to ditch:
""goin' in, guys. thank god there's a lake.""
"
"what they're offering's crap, coolie wages,
but my plan is, make headway in stages.
then, right under their eyes,
i'll walk over these guys,
and my earnings will grace the front pages.
"
"we were sipping a vintage bordeaux
when my wife sighed, ""those work shoes must go.""
so they're doffed and away
(a less cultured bouquet) ?
now my brogans are tossed in the snow.
"
"if a man had a manual choke
like some cars, he'd be slow to go broke.
pull a knob, and behold!
he could flood in more gold ?
but less oxygen might make him croak.
"
"my job is a cauldron of stress,
i produce, but i'm under duress,
with my confidence shrinking,
i'm sinking ? i'm drinking!
i feel lost, need a soul gps.
"
"on my bus again, feeling all right.
my last passenger's gone out of sight.
it's so empty and dark
as i cruise through the park:
now i'm deadheading home for the night.
"
"our new garden addition is sweet.
it's an arbor away from the street.
the bill's gonna sting,
but now i can swing
in my hammock and put up my feet.
"
"said a dweeb learning greek with a geek,
""must be tough to be part of a clique:
people clutch you and touch you ?
it must be too much; you
must quake. i would feel like a freak.""
"
"she'd picked a prestigious career.
she would study, evolve, persevere.
innovation meant stature
as chief baby-catcher ?
in obstetrics, she's now the frontier.
"
"think of statecraft and sex ? oh, and chess,
for tim rice, a luxuriant mess.
in bangkok, we witness
a trial of fitness
that's cerebral ? pained, in distress.
"
"""what's that dough lump afloat in my soup?
something brown's seeping out ? looks like poop!""
sighed the chef, nearly crumpling,
""it's pork; that's a dumpling,""
and returned to his pots to recoup.
"
"""for our counters, we're looking for bright ?
something igneous, tough should be right.""
""then it's diorite: stone
with the color of bone ?
flecks of black in a matrix of white.""
"
"petty thievery, gross despoliation,
venal plunder then rapid inflation ?
it's political power:
we elect, they devour ?
compensation for base bloviation.
"
"from the start, they mistreated me freakishly,
rebuffing me flagrantly, cliquishly.
to these factions, these groups
like baboons in their troops,
i'm inclined to reciprocate piquishly.
"
"club yachts fly their burgees with pride.
ours is green, with an anchor beside
a symbolic white shield
on a swallow-tailed field,
gracing lanyards from portsmouth to ryde.
"
"this old car, she's delivered a lot ?
engine runs, but the body is shot.
yeah, my '64 dart
has been coming apart,
but a ""bucket of bolts""? i think not.
"
"because it was dresden, young dinah
brought her china from south carolina
all the way to beijing
on her back, in a sling.
now she's sipping green tea for angina.
"
"these trash heaps: a hideous sight.
unqualified, base urban blight ?
no excuses, no pity,
can't censure the city ?
it's airmailed from windows all night.
"
"boccaccio wrote tales, most erotic,
some ironic, some simply exotic ?
ten decameron nights
filled with earthy delights ?
was giovanni just cool, or neurotic?
"
"we'll staff this command post with workers:
this cp won't take kindly to lurkers.
our job's to assess,
and unravel this mess.
send us thinkers, go-getters, not shirkers.
"
"i'd been hot, so it seemed opportune ?
time to get a nice raise, to strike soon.
well, the new chief of staff
simply had a good laugh.
i was crazy to ask for the moon.
"
"i'm inured to your crap; let me pass.
your comportment is common and crass.
look, i'm no nine-to-fiver;
i'm a harness race driver?
spent my life eyeing some horse's ass.
"
"it's a huge one; i brace for the wave
that hits hard, and it's tough ? a close shave.
now i'm backwash-upended,
flipped 'round and suspended.
sneak attack! wish this surf would behave.
"
"so i'm inking my dabber one day,
and the litho's progressing okay,
when the artist blows in
and exclaims, with chagrin,
""back to work?i don't pay you to play!""
"
"seems wherever i turn, i can't win:
furtive factions?can't fit myself in.
the dynamic at work
makes me feel like a jerk,
and their games? don't know where to begin.
"
"it's a studious look, i suppose:
tiny glasses that perch on my nose.
but these clerics fly off
if i sneeze or i cough,
so my impracticality shows.
"
"from the cradle, there's blue in my veins
and arrests ? they just happen in chains:
seven collars per week
when i'm hitting my peak,
and without even taxing my brains.
"
"he has art treasures culled from all lands.
i confide in him; he understands.
still, a gentleman? not
when i step on his yacht ?
when this captain's aboard, he's all hands.
"
"the best dialog's keen, never mild,
like the plays of the great oscar wilde,
full of crisp repart?e,
razor-sharp interplay
that involves you, beguiled or defiled.
"
"i came back from a run; i was beat,
and searching for something to eat.
when i finally found it,
i instantly downed it.
whatever it was, it was sweet.
"
"your future's my foremost concern.
with both theory and practice to learn,
i'll be drilling you nightly
(i mean that politely)?
relentlessly rigid, and stern.
"
"if they asked for a raise, they were fired
or walked out, and new members were hired.
though the pay was the pits
for the drifters, their hits
flowed like magic.  for this, they're admired.
"
"my comatose kid brother seth
has a will, saying, ""should i draw breath
with machines to support
just my shell, please abort.
give me liberty.  give me my death.""
"
"little crybaby, hey, are you blue?
did your feelings get hurt?  you eschew
those whose politics differ.
encounter us, sniffer?
you run away whining.  boo-hoo.
"
"his hands were raised over his head
as he shouted, ""don't shoot!"" it was said.
but the physical proof
made that story go poof
(not before the false narrative spread).
"
"i've evolved on that point in all candor.
to say that i've flip-flopped is slander.
i've amended my view
over time, just like you,
but in your case, you did it to pander.
"
"i'm pure evil; i'm bad to the bone.
unrepentant, i never atone
for my sins.  gotta say,
many gals love the way
that i roll.  thus, i'm never alone.
"
"you sure helped this poor soul in a bind.
i was broke.  it was days since i dined.
but magnanimous you,
with a quarter, came through.
that was big of you, man.  you're too kind.
"
"said the swami, ""be happy with less.
what you need shouldn't grow to excess.
enough is as good
as a feast.  understood?""
(who's this loon?  why'm i here again?)  ""yes!""
"
"my daughter's my ultimate fan.
she's a daddy's girl, sweet lindsay ann.
don't know why, but she's fond
of a tightly knit bond
with her grateful and lucky old man.
"
"easter sunday my mom blew a gasket:
""you're not going to church?!""  (why'd she ask it?
i'm a heathen.  she knows.
eggs and candy i chose.)
""you are going to hell in that basket!""
"
"at camp, as i lay in my bunk,
my roommate told tales of a monk
who, though many years dead,
might appear in my bed.
i was terrified ? in a blue funk.
"
"thanks for driving me, pal, i was stewed.
now i owe you one?how 'bout some food?
see you later, then. stop
over there. you can drop
me at wendy's. now i'm in the mood.
"
"sue's abusing the fruits that i brought her.
she's plunged them in boiling hot water!
now she's moved them to ice?
tortured twice in a trice!
says it's blanching. that's nothing i taught her.
"
"a complete antipasto's divine:
lots of goodies, and all of them fine.
and what makes a great platter,
the soul of the matter ?
culatello, fine ham aged in wine.
"
"on sundays, i love to awaken
to some scramble with crisp, crunchy bacon:
those brittle, brown strips
idly calling my lips.
you eschew it? you're sadly mistaken.
"
"add a zest to your drink (nothing's hipper)
or some peel with your meal (maybe kipper).
skinning fruit can be cool
with a neat little tool ?
it's a gizmo they call ""citrus stripper.""
"
"at the gate, they won't let me proceed.
they just grin as i beg and i plead.
so i wheedle and  bluff?
see, my dopp kit has stuff,
like some canisters crammed full of weed.
"
"bogot?'s in colombia, sa,
while i live in bogota, nj.
while mine's but a small town,
a ""let's-hang-at-the-mall"" town,
at theirs, ancient gold's on display.
"
"i look down on the canyon de chelly
(not disdain, it's the navajo's way).
the great white house invites
me, ""descend from your heights,
hire a guide; see this splendid decay.""
"
"lights are out; there's a squeak ? what the dickens?
just a freak ? houses creak. my pulse quickens.
i cry out in the dark;
comes a muffled remark:
""ain't nobody here but us chickens.""
"
"there's a faraway look in your eye?
now and then, an inscrutable sigh.
what's been crossing your mind?
will you leave me behind?
can our love slip so soundlessly by?
"
"now it's leggings embroidered with fruits,
and that hair, and those polka-dot boots?
she's all pigtails and pinks;
don't know what that girl thinks.
man has she got a case of the cutes!
"
"no more staff?now it's me, on my own.
i'll make certain my value's well-known.
too much heedless big spending?
that's done! it's all ending.
my budget's been cut to the bone.
"
"in our class, this old cup is the grail.
more canvas, more wind ? we'll prevail.
make this glorious yacht
show us all that she's got.
we're leading. keep crowding on sail!
"
"he sells music, fills seats ? quite the rage.
sure he's cute, but not yet legal age.
and though barely a pup,
any place he shows up,
there are multitudes crowding the stage.
"
"she split, but she floats in my brain.
i tried drugs, but she flies on cocaine,
and i can't seem to kick her
by living on liquor.
it hurts, and i can't dull the pain.
"
"her devotion was never in doubt,
till he cheated, was mucking about.
retribution was swift
when she cut him adrift:
cut him loose, cut him off?turned him out.
"
"staying home makes me feel like a jerk.
i think it's dishonest to shirk.
hadn't done this before?
i was weak, at death's door?
sick as hell. but i'll finish your work.
"
"""hey, your desk looks as neat as a pin!
that looks bad,"" said the boss, with a grin.
""move your cute little tush.
you've got papers to push?
you're my wife, but you still must dig in.""
"
"we play soccer; we're bad, but we show.
in the rain, in the mud, it's a go.
sunday's game? we prevailed
'cause we came and they bailed,
so we won, by default, in the snow.
"
"dubrovnik, that pearl adriatic,
has an aura that's quite charismatic.
her passageways sing to me,
reach to me, cling to me,
and my whirl with that girl ? acrobatic!
"
"some call it a cockfighting chair,
and one sits facing rearward, i swear:
wrap your legs 'round the back
and the yoke's got this rack
for your arms, 'cause the rests aren't there.
"
"""she can sing, she can act, she can dance?""
""but at thirty, she's over. no chance.""
""but her talent?"" ""just park it!
it's a drug on the market,
ignored and abundant as ants.""
"
"in the days of the mohawk, they sang
of a building that thundered and rang.
voyageurs knew this forge
as the smithy lake george ?
with the sound of its drop hammer's clang.
"
"my wife is re-doing, with wicker,
from our bed to the locker for liquor,
but a basketwork range?
it's alarming; it's strange.
if she won't change her mind, i might kick her.
"
"my politically incorrect pole
has zoomed in on his personal goal:
as you bend and you squat,
your ass cleavage hot,
he just stands there addressing the hole.
"
"it seemed an inspired idea:
build a base on diego garcia ?
tiny spot, indian ocean,
shouldn't stir much emotion.
but force locals off? mamma mia!
"
"dearticulate ? then it's a snap,
as your bones move about, overlap.
the thought makes me tremble:
you just reassemble ?
houdini-like, slip any trap.
"
"apparatus performs cultivation,
irrigation ? what's next, perspiration?
some future machines
won't just harvest our beans,
they'll grow babies by light agrimation.
"
"we're impressed by the shining array
of domed cloches laid out on the tray.
to this pair of food lovers
they bring lunch under covers,
preserving its warmth and bouquet.
"
"at the barbecue down by the cove,
we crushed garlic bulbs, clove after clove,
into sauces and dressing,
and i don't mind confessing,
when the cook called, ""dive in,"" well, i dove.
"
"when i saw all the damage i'd done,
i threw up, but i'd warned them to run.
i was not conscience-stricken!
i just easily sicken.
no remorse, but i can't claim it's fun.
"
"the old formula?fixed, resurrected?
has been tested, retested, perfected.
now it dulls patients' pains
as it courses through veins
just as soon as a dose is injected.
"
"bagna cauda's served warm as a dip
with a garlicky, anchovy nip
in an olive oil base
with a buttery trace ?
it's too scrumptious to waste on a chip.
"
"of the avars, there's not much to find:
one more empire that ravished mankind.
then the bulgars and franks
led attacks on their flanks
and they vanished ? left little behind.
"
"""that punk at the door made me flip?
he's your date? hon, he looks like a drip.""
""he's a pickpocket, dad,
but you're wrong to be mad ?
i said clearly, 'i'm taking a dip.'""
"
"for john bowlby, a child's deprivation
of maternal concern (separation)
can inhibit connection,
cause lack of direction.
it's the bane of attachment formation.
"
"fried buffalo? we've got the dish.
don't be shocked; it's a buffalo fish.
this one's speared by my daughter
patricia. (i taught her.)
he's huge ? maybe bigger than trish.
"
"there's this stuff that they sell at the deli,
calf or pig head in pieces in jelly:
it's got lip, one supposes,
chunks of cheek, perhaps noses ?
it's brawn in the store, not my belly.
"
"you're a kid; you just don't understand.
antique cars often start up by hand:
grab that ""hook"" down in front,
then you tug her (and grunt),
and just crank her?she's at your command.
"
"there are bottle gourds hung by the door
holding seeds and a balm you might pour
and, i think, cooking oil
and what looks like pink soil.
so each calabash serves like a drawer.
"
"some anglewings o'er the cascades
may occur in a mixture of shades.
these butterflies hide
on a bluff's underside
while immoderate weather pervades.
"
"in a joint on a road by the base
sit some flyboys, just holding their place.
a real beauty steps in;
i announce with a grin,
""it's a bandit, boys; peel for the chase!""
"
"lord, i've just done a brodie, a bore ?
my role's vapid; that's hard to ignore.
oh, it read like a hit.
now i'm itching to quit.
i'm a trouper, but this time ? what for?
"
"i awoke in a bus on the road
to the hospital ? i was the load.
i was pinned on a gurney
for the length of the journey
like a high school class specimen toad.
"
"my publicity firm's been selected,
the electorate polled and dissected.
while you're out on the stump,
i'll be busting my hump,
moving mountains to get you elected.
"
"because frederick accum was shrewd,
he revealed degradation of food.
his work for the masses
on toxins and gases
caused scandal, and accum was sued.
"
"he looks like he sleeps in a flop
and he brags of his conquests non-stop.
on the web, he was sweet,
but it's clear once you meet
that this guy doesn't deal from the top.
"
"call the neighbors, the fruit's on the table,
from borneo ? reeks like a stable.
dig in and you'll quell
the despicable smell.
try durians soon (if you're able).
"
"on my bed's a dust ruffle: a skirt
hiding bunnies and yesterday's shirt.
there's a stockpile of socks
and that missing black box?
and some fuzzy leftover dessert.
"
"we raft east from the boston plateau;
after rapids, we level and slow.
on the buffalo national
river, it's rational:
free, unconfined ? let it flow.
"
"in the cabin, the pilot stays calm,
handling issues and scrapes with aplomb.
folks from business to coach
find the final approach
like returning for christmas with mom.
"
"the red on the barber's white pole
that sits on a blood-letting bowl:
is he feeding his leeches
on clients, while each is
re-trimmed ? their original goal?
"
"once, she hopped on a steamer to rome,
then she secretly sledded to nome,
so my blacksmith down south
forged a bar for her mouth.
her new curb bit helps keep her at home.
"
"the pines in the barrens grow stunted
in jersey, where dad and i hunted.
we'd rest and uncoil
midst the poor, sandy soil.
did we chat? mostly muttered and grunted.
"
"evil night visions shock me from slumber:
i've turned purple, enshrouded in lumber.
my dream books peruse them,
decode them and use them:
""this is that and that's this ? here's your number.""
"
"some in boston just couldn't adjust
and objected when students were bused
to halt racial division ?
a noble decision,
but the upshot was rage and mistrust.
"
"they're performed with both courage and flair,
all these buildering feats of robert.
he will scale any tower
with consummate power.
alain's un succ?s solitaire.
"
"the coolers were crammed for a feast,
full of soda pop, slaw and roast beast
and cheeses and beer
and salads, i hear,
and some ill-defined glop from the east.
"
"after midnight, you keep the talk light.
and the noon slot ? just choose your words right.
but a drive time appearance
takes guile, perseverance,
as commuters head home for the night.
"
"the thing with containerized cargo:
stuff inside might elude an embargo.
just to check every box
on its blocks at the docks
is a task that would bankrupt wells fargo.
"
"it's a down-at-the-heels place to stay,
where the johns and the prostitutes play:
the carpets are bumpy,
the mattresses lumpy,
and the towels are threadbare and gray.
"
"he was cornered, he saw with chagrin,
as the enemy swiftly closed in.
though he looked to each side,
he found nowhere to hide.
he just prayed he'd escape with his skin.
"
"most insults fly over me, mac,
or they roll off my short-but-sweet back.
but you called me a ""gnome.""
that hit too close to home.
gird your loins for low-level attack.
"
"i went shopping for just the right tool.
i'd tried baking; my bread wouldn't cool.
said a clerk, with a smirk,
""would this cooling rack work?""
it does. and i feel like a fool.
"
"once i loved how we used to entwine.
now she's more like a tight, clinging vine,
needing too much attention.
she's past comprehension,
but one thing's for certain: she's mine.
"
"i'm laid up with a mean case of gout
in a dead zone ? my cell phone is out.
bored to death without calls,
i've been climbing the walls.
this is clearly what hell is about.
"
"i'll drop you at julie's at nine.
she forgives you. have fun, you'll be fine.
relax, have your kicks.
i'll collect you at six.
don't be late, 'cause tonight i've got mine.
"
"my employees are getting too bold.
no more ""maybe"" ? they turn me down cold.
they used to be pliable:
overtime? viable.
unions! expansion's on hold.
"
"some cinnamon-topped apple snow
is my choice when i start to feel low.
it's an apple meringue;
add some lemon, and?bang!
i turn young?it's a long time ago.
"
"i won't ask you to stay here all night with me.
just support and accept me: don't fight with me.
i don't need your applause;
i approve of this cause.
it's a purpose, a goal that sits right with me.
"
"she's cerebral?no half-baked buffoon,
and her motives are hard to impugn,
but she's faced with new facts,
so her certainty cracks.
now she's graciously changing her tune.
"
"decorum's been sliding downhill,
and the atmosphere's charged with ill will:
graphic threats fill the air
mixed with cries of ""unfair!""
guess the unions don't care for this bill.
"
"she turns back, so we have to retrace?
goes to ground, then pops up in our face.
we're outfoxed and outrun;
she's the one having fun.
clever vixen's enjoying this chase.
"
"her charms put me flat on the deck:
so enchanting, she left me a wreck.
then this sweet mademoiselle
sealed the deal with a spell
that she cast with that charm 'round her neck.
"
"salting herring is one daunting task:
wooden daunts top the fish in the cask.
we press down on the slats
to compact the wee sprats.
does it smell? aye, 'tis best ye don't ask.
"
"you all backed this design at the start.
now it's clear it was no work of art.
still, it doesn't seem fair
that it's my cross to bear.
just accept it; we all played a part.
"
"he shipped out, and we smothered our tears,
never sharing our heartache and fears.
now he's home, off the bus?
there are hundreds of us.
he's returned to a chorus of cheers.
"
"with circumstances sliced to the bone,
her man's gone, so she struggles alone.
she needs clothing and heat,
and a girl's got to eat,
so she sins, but she's holding her own.
"
"this journal won't deal in brutalities,
morality, crime or legalities.
a huge national debt?
we prefer to forget,
so we'll chronicle life's trivialities.
"
"prairie pioneer, betsy from pike
dared the distance with lover man, ike.
were they living in shame?
does this sully her name?
she's iconic ? believe what you like.
"
"""stop your gambling!"" came straight from her lips,
so i'll stop ? the next solar eclipse.
since i'm winning and winning,
it can't be i'm sinning.
with each hand, i keep stacking more chips.
"
"would he hit? we had reason to doubt:
so much strength, still he kept striking out.
we'd been pretty dejected;
one day he connected.
since then, he's hit clout after clout.
"
"in a coma for so many years,
coming home now to changes and fears,
feeling lost, till her brother
and she hug each other,
she breaks down and dissolves into tears.
"
"this trained ape at my local saloon
is billed as ""the crooning baboon.""
his cacophony's awful ?
so bad it's unlawful!
it's a shame he can't carry a tune.
"
"""i can clean out those stables,"" he crowed.
""i'll just rewrite the whole penal code.""
""oh, come off it,"" i said,
""you're in over your head.
that's one truly herculean load.""
"
"students love him: he's brilliant and fair.
he's dynamic and listens; that's rare.
but he'll leave us this year,
so to draw talent here,
in his name, we're endowing a chair.
"
"enhancing the subsoil's formation
takes a very complex combination,
from gardeners to moles,
digging tunnels and holes
for terrestrial bioturbation.
"
"deep-sixed many miles out at sea?
food for fish, and his soul can go free.
i suppose we all know
that his god willed it so.
now a show trial's just not gonna be.
"
"he just grumbles and gripes in his room ?
lights out, like he's back to the womb.
he's long been a skeptic,
now deeply dyspeptic,
choleric and cross in the gloom.
"
"my dad isn't ruled by the trends.
he contends that contentment depends
on controlling temptations,
loving all god's creations,
and a circle of trustworthy friends.
"
"with a grandeur that just couldn't fail,
like a cloud she approached, under sail.
there was never a doubt:
every man jack turned out,
the ship's company lining her rail.
"
"i received a citation today?
no reward, but a summons to pay.
i love driving too fast,
but they caught me, at last.
i'll remit, or they'll cart me away.
"
"nothing left after losses at poker;
i tried flattery, hoping to stroke her,
but she fed me my horse
and she filed for divorce.
oh, those afterclaps ? maybe i'll choke her.
"
"i do not run a confidence game.
that's a put-up job, slander, a frame!
there'll be no vacillation?
it's my reputation.
from this moment, i'm clearing my name.
"
"so i say, ""the wife's gone until five.
come with me: come on up; come alive!""
then she turns, ""wait a sec ?
once again, you're a wreck.
look, you're blitzed, so you're not fit to drive.""
"
"it's that roll in his gait, you'll agree,
his white ducks and distaste for debris:
since he crawled from the crib,
by the cut of his jib,
it's been clear that his true home's the sea.
"
"after akron, ohio's good years
come the vultures, the state's auctioneers:
gone most rubber and matches,
come the wreckers and latches,
while the blight of the rust belt appears.
"
"my wife made a dubious case.
she had reasons for choosing this place:
dermabrasion and waxing,
then seaweed ? relaxing ?
as clear as the mud on her face.
"
"""watch out,"" we warned charlie, ""she's bleeding
you dry. your yvette's slowly leading
you into the red.""
but then charlie just said,
""it's a blast. i'm not brooding; we're breeding.""
"
"for once, the form gave me a voice.
the instructions read: ""circle your choice.""
said the boss, ""don't be shy.""
then i saw it nearby,
so i strolled all around a rolls-royce.
"
"i'm freaked out by this change in your mood.
take a walk, man; get dressed ? eat some food.
first you ditch a good job,
then turn dark and macabre.
see a shrink, man; you're coming unglued.
"
"a cop shouldn't act like a jerk,
but a few show up drowsy and shirk.
soon they're parked and ""regrouping"":
clandestinely cooping ?
taking naps when they should be at work.
"
"one pin's what you'd like me to sell you?
be glad to help out, but i'll tell you
(i mean no disregard):
pins are sold by the card.
cards are cheap, though. this oughtn't repel you.
"
"just follow the channel?you're clear.
it's well marked, so you've nothing to fear.
avoid running aground:
take this safe way around.
watch your buoys; we'll see you next year.
"
"i'm a member for three seasons past,
but the staff doesn't move very fast.
""this stuff happens a lot,
man, we just clean forgot.""
then they keyed in my data at last.
"
"when it came, there was no time to hide:
our mortality rode on that tide.
it claimed thousands of lives,
but our spirit survives
as our terrors and panic subside.
"
"from a bar in secaucus, one day,
i was barred (with the classics i play).
""enough wainright and john;
no more joel ? move on!
not a bar, not a note ? stay away!""
"
"with our donuts and coffee consumed,
called to order, our meeting resumed.
our officious town clerk
urged us all back to work.
when he chaired, productivity boomed.
"
"i'll be charging the jury today
as to law, and to what they should weigh.
it's a task i hold dear.
jurors' jobs must be clear,
and this judge never leads them astray.
"
"she's asleep at the beach ? can't she learn?
better wake her; she's done to a turn.
lobster red, what a sight ?
she'll be groaning all night.
""hey! wake up, you've one hell of a burn.""
"
"i'll dispute stupid things now and then,
but my pal understands, counts to ten.
so please ship me down south,
stuff a sock in my mouth,
if i bring up his girlfriend again.
"
"what came over me i'll never know:
i agreed to take barb to that show.
it was one of those days?
i'd just gotten a raise.
i suppose my resistance was low.
"
"all month long you've been beating your brains,
and yet one burning question remains:
are you certain that when you're
selected for tenure,
you can serve california champagnes?
"
"we nurture them, pray they'll excel.
they move on?perhaps linger a spell.
then one night, ""wait a sec,
dad, we'll pick up that check.""
what a tab?guess they're doing quite well.
"
"our debate squads have fought here before:
constant combat without blood and gore.
once again, we'll cross swords
for our humble rewards.
it's impassioned, and never a bore.
"
"with their comments, our classic greek chorus
adds more depth to the action before us:
helps us follow the plot
(what's important, who's not).
in their absence, some dramas might bore us.
"
"in utero, nourished and warm,
each branchial arch can transform.
in a fish, it fulfills
its destiny: gills.
in a human, that isn't the norm.
"
"our growth has been slow: by degrees,
not by buyouts or moves overseas.
we're secure in our yields
when we plow our own fields.
will that change? we make no guarantees.
"
"he's familiar, an old comfy chair,
but he's lifeless and stilted ? not there!
while the audience slumbers,
he acts by the numbers.
no passion ? he just doesn't care.
"
"they all balked when i entered the race.
on the stump, though, i thrived?made my case.
they're convinced now, no doubting?
all over but the shouting.
now they'll have to get used to this face.
"
"these butchers were vendors on trains,
or on midways or burleycue chains.
pitch a rube or a dandy,
sell some barber pole candy.
now their memory's all that remains.
"
"first he stumbled, fell back at the gun,
got boxed in (he had no room to run),
found a gap and ran wide,
had to lengthen his stride:
so our boy came from nowhere and won.
"
"that was christy with billy, i'm sure.
i could tell from her glowing chevelure.
did her head of hair haunt him?
(clearly all the girls want him).
no, she's choice ? so much more than coiffure.
"
"you're consuming without intermission:
acquisition succeeds acquisition.
you should come to your senses
and cut your expenses.
take a break; reassess your position.
"
"left his lucrative life as a thief,
and he's finally coming to grief.
he'll cuss, but admit it:
old age made him quit it.
now he barely squeaks by on relief.
"
"year by year i've more neutral connection
to which losers have won the election:
i'm in guam; who prevailed?
my ballot's unmailed.
that's my absentee voter rejection.
"
"your confinement time's up to the court.
lenient judge? then that time will be short:
fewer years behind bars,
fewer rivalries, scars.
cut a deal. get the da's support.
"
"your presence here shows you've begun.
you must speak, though he knows what you've done.
you acknowledge your sins
and forgiveness begins
in his house. i'll confess you, my son.
"
"""you're in charge of the manor,"" i'm told,
""learn our customaries well and you're gold.
they record how we've done things
for years?how we've run things.
our past gives us norms to uphold.""
"
"""can't control her,"" the captain declared.
he was good, but his skills were impaired
by a contrary wind,
so we kept our eyes skinned
for the shoals, monumentally scared.
"
"they held doors, let their elders pass through.
a curtsy was courtesy, too.
no need for incentive ?
they were civil, attentive.
now ""sorry""'s replaced by ""screw you.""
"
"those are sentries patrolling that base;
you'll never slip into the place.
you've got guts, i suppose,
but that skin?it just glows.
please indulge me by corking your face.
"
"host the in-laws? i'm long overdue.
now, for dinner, i'll start with a roux,
add the veggies, spice, meat,
then slow-cook in low heat ?
my dutch oven makes wonderful stew.
"
"there's this weirdo disturbing my shop.
i step out, try to flag down a cop.
when i turn back around,
the nut's covering ground
like the wind, dodging traffic ? non-stop.
"
"""pre-owned, but in cherry condition:
no dents and no decomposition?
she purrs like a kitten.""
i'm instantly smitten?
she's a cream puff (by strict definition).
"
"that stuff's gross, and you've just had a drink of it?
it's viscous and black ? and you stink of it.
you go back to that store,
and you give them what for!
'cause it makes my flesh creep just to think of it.
"
"this slope that we've purchased is steep,
but the price (you'll excuse me)?dirt cheap.
though we terrace and fill,
it's all inching downhill
at a barely perceptible creep.
"
"the poor shepherd found nowhere to write
 his adventure of ewes in the night.
""look, i can't type this book
while i lean on my crook.
and besides, the damned staff's got no light.""
"
"how she brags that she's ""given three sons"" to him!
he calls, and she offers her buns to him.
it's weird, even kinky,
how he arches his pinky?
when he just crooks his finger, she runs to him.
"
"fresh and hot? they report what you wear.
glitterati feel dated, and stare,
while the bloggers observe,
""she's ahead of the curve.""
your reaction? a breezy ""i care?""
"
"in the high place my dog and i roam,
a blanket bog borders our home.
while its brambles and peat
can be hard on our feet,
it's our xanadu, our pleasure dome.
"
"if you'd harness draft horses abreast,
then a doubletree gets it done best.
here two singletrees ride,
fastened on, side by side,
keeping animals equally stressed.
"
"what's the value of disinformation?
confusing an enemy nation.
feed 'em facts that ain't so
so they think that they know
what you're up to ? or some variation.
"
"once shirazi built mosques there, and stayed,
the comoros prospered on trade.
merchants stopped at its coves
for vanilla and cloves.
now it's destitute, craves foreign aid.
"
"diverticulopexy, oh, hell!
cut the sacs from my colon? just swell.
but it's time, i'll confess,
'cause my gut's in a mess.
do your thing, doctor ling. do it well.
"
"we moved in, feeling safe; things were good
until bangers took over the 'hood.
now they're pimping and dealing ?
it's a harrowing feeling.
friends say, ""arm yourselves."" maybe we should.
"
"now she's signed the divorce, and we're done.
though i'm back at the helm, it's no fun.
guess the break's not complete,
like i'm moored to a cleat.
but i cast off ? so why can't i run?
"
"it was raymond damadian's find
that magnets can look where we're blind.
there are unforeseen yields
from their powerful fields:
mris ? they're a boon to mankind.
"
"best back off, kid, that's drysdale out there.
stand too close, he'll be parting your hair.
so stop crowding the plate,
now, before it's too late.
think i'm crazy? just check out his stare.
"
"man has altered the planet's geology?
even more so with modern technology.
this mark is revealed
by a burgeoning field
known as anthropogeomorphology.
"
"in chautauquas, folks sought cultivation
under canvas ? idyllic location.
in thousands of towns
preachers, authors and clowns
all held forth. what a vast operation!
"
"lockheed's stylish salute to the skies,
she's got luxury, comfort and size.
connie's apt appellation:
like stars, constellation ?
she's got streamlining, grace, and she flies.
"
"""have a drink! loosen up, guy, have two!""
that's the drill if he's buoyant or blue,
or the world's changing seasons.
a binge drinker has reasons
to drink till his whole life's askew.
"
"this flick has me biting my nails;
the tension is right off the scales.
rustling leaves in the dark,
a forlorn city park,
and the gore ? i eat up these old tales.
"
"can't believe what i picked up today:
highly prized romanesque champlev?!
it's a carved silver bowl,
enameled and whole?
and they practically gave it away.
"
"to the upper missouri, the crow
moved from winnipeg lake long ago,
raised tobacco and corn,
saw their culture reborn;
lived in teepees in sun or in snow.
"
"""cladocera, water fleas, serve
no purpose."" well, you've got some nerve!
eating bits of debris,
they clean lakes and the sea
then become food themselves ? they're hors d'oeuvre.
"
"many brokers adore repetition.
with each stock trade, they earn a commission.
they acquire like hell
then sell off by the bell.
all this churning demands inhibition.
"
"there's a bend in the stream's shallow bed
where the rocks can be dodgy to thread.
at that turn, stay alert ?
paddle hard, no one's hurt.
it's all fun if you just keep your head.
"
"some plants attain odd ""expertise,""
like a milkweed that breeds with such ease.
pods then age, lose resilience
and crack. then dissilience
spreads seeds on the soft evening breeze.
"
"so, you think our home ""screws up"" your view.
it could do with some brightening ? true.
but this pigment, you'll see
changes that; count on me.
i'm repainting it alkali blue.
"
"please do not bite my head off for this,
but i just asked your girl for a kiss.
oh, don't put on a show.
loosen up; she said no;
she refused a few moments of bliss.
"
"dad's broad shoulders belied his slight form:
he was strength ? sturdy oak in a storm.
though he taught self-reliance,
life's never a science ?
dad's gone, and it hurts ? can't get warm.
"
"you're a swindler, a blackleg, a crook,
and you've tried every trick in the book.
you'd ensure that you win;
beat it now ? save your skin,
and just pray to be let off the hook.
"
"you'd like lakefront; we do understand,
but we're neighbors; just ask, don't demand.
this may come as a shock:
you can access our dock
with an easement to pass through our land.
"
"blanc de blanc, if you please, with my veal;
it's the only champagne for this meal.
i am always selective ?
the right wine's my objective.
chardonnay has finesse that's ideal.
"
"oh, that chocolate, that custard ? no fair;
it's temptation that's too hard to bear.
doff your diet; dig in
to that finger-shaped sin.
would it kill you? one single eclair?
"
"with one look, she'll cut  men down to size ?
it's her silent reply to their lies.
though she'll always fall short
of the perfect retort,
she'll prevail with those eloquent eyes.
"
"the blaze on her forehead's the source
of her elegance ? doubtless, of course!
that golden brown streak
is entirely unique ?
but i think it belongs on a horse.
"
"some adventure at work can be thrilling.
i've pushed limits at times ? more than willing.
but i just walked away
from a murder for pay.
i stepped back from that act: contract killing.
"
"these ""boy singers"" have all looked the same:
tousled hair, the right clothes ? that's the game.
now he comes down the pike
with his pointy vandyke.
of course, he can't sing ? what a shame!
"
"ursa major? not this time, not there ?
in their choppers, cops fly everywhere:
they're disaster support;
they pursue or escort.
on the job, it's a bear in the air.
"
"put some back in it; pull for the prize.
we're tenacity, heart ? they're just size.
time we settled the score
from our last tug of war.
with each pull, look them right in their eyes.
"
"she's tenacious, my wonderful wife,
but her hobby's brought great stacks of strife:
she collects, she's fanatic.
our basement and attic
hold every back number of life.
"
"""clear the duckweed,"" they said, ""it's a blight.""
no sweat, but it hardly seemed right:
this emerald plant
on dark ponds can enchant
like green stars on a black, liquid night.
"
"her image possesses my mind,
only hinted, not fully defined:
in the moonglow, she's sweet,
downy skin, rumpled sheet,
gently barred by the light through the blind.
"
"her exposure in clubs took her far.
j.d. slusher became candy barr.
this gangster's-girl/stripper
could wield a mean zipper.
god's bounty made candy a star.
"
"vespasian's son, known as domitian,
succeeded to quite a position.
he rebuilt much of rome,
and fought wars far from home.
he was murdered ? an act of sedition.
"
"watch the best at the brickyard and learn
how to corner ? perform a tight turn.
they manage the curves,
seldom skidding, no swerves,
well deserving the winnings they earn.
"
"in indianapolis, racers
at the brickyard are hounded by chasers.
drivers jockey and surge;
cars converge, re-emerge,
flashing past with the fire of tracers.
"
"the bishop is under my skirt
(not the priest but a pad you insert):
like lillian russell
i'm sporting a bustle.
this device once made gentlemen flirt.
"
"of four elements all things are made,
ancient discourses clearly conveyed.
all the gods would require:
earth, air, water and fire.
how'd they do it? a trick of the trade.
"
"ships use battens to hold things in place:
metal pieces screwed tight, just in case.
if they're swamped by a wave,
then these battens should save
them from damage ? no loss, no disgrace.
"
"southern tip of new york after dark,
a warm evening in battery park:
the twin towers are missing,
but young couples? still kissing ?
lady liberty still makes her mark.
"
"they're a small, select group, the elite,
but with chauncey they'd feel more complete.
they beguile and they needle him,
charm him and wheedle him:
""join us, and the world's at your feet.""
"
"almost-holes in the top of your shoe?
good thing they don't really go through.
those designs are not random:
the shoemaker planned 'em.
that's broguing ? an odd thing to do.
"
"you should order the coeur ? la cr?me?
it's their cream cheese and sour cream gem.
with fresh berries on top,
it's the pride of the shop.
fussy folks say, ""too sweet,"" but that's them.
"
"she's aloft on his hands ? she's sixteen ?
when her dad stumbles onto the scene.
""you seemed calm,"" says her coach,
with a glare of reproach,
""when i said i was benching colleen.""
"
"i'm a cut above perfect, it's true:
something grand, a one-man pas de deux.
sure, i'm beating my chest,
'cause i've topped all the rest.
if you woke up as me, you would too.
"
"i did seventeen months in the pen?
found the lord, found the exit, and then
found a woman to guide me,
found a new man inside me.
life's coming up roses again.
"
"getting through to my wife's like a chase
when her mind isn't there, just her face.
well, damn her defiance;
i'll blind her with science ?
i'll spray her with logic, like mace.
"
"when i bowl, i expect satisfaction.
skill and science ? it's not an abstraction:
the ball curves toward the pins;
my conclusion begins.
extra movement pays off. it's called action.
"
"those with money or power? depraved!
shed them all, and the masses are saved.
bakunin's life theme:
down with every regime.
revolution must free the enslaved.
"
"by example and free conversation,
so that logic defends inspiration,
i shall buttress my creed,
both in word and by deed:
my apology, my affirmation.
"
"atargatis, of syrian lore,
was part woman, part fish ? and what's more,
some cultists, it's written,
unsexed themselves, smitten
by their goddess. no man could do more.
"
"last night, you were cuddly, delightful,
but today, you've been arctic and frightful.
with a stare cold as ice,
gone to nasty from nice,
you've turned distant. i'd swear you seem spiteful.
"
"eating entrails appears so debasing.
perhaps, but this food's world-embracing:
top chefs are well-versed
in morcilla and wurst.
they're sausages ? stuffing in casing.
"
"""tighten up, boy, it's got to be strong.
wrong nuts, and those bolts are too long,""
he declares from his chair
as i do the repair.
armchair general: raucously wrong.
"
"theologian of note, johann eck,
saw reforms, for a time, held in check.
martin luther's chief foe,
he sustained status quo ?
to the protestants: pain in the neck.
"
"traits so feline in her keep recurring:
she'll bask in the sun, barely stirring,
glide about, like a cat,
and a cute one at that.
and when curled in my lap, she'll be purring.
"
"hard eight ? play the line ? easy four:
at a craps table (not on the floor)
a box man splits chips
with his deft fingertips,
collects or pays out when you score.
"
"dan's got orders: his juices are flowing,
and he can't tell his wife where he's going.
till he goes, she'll keep active,
dress well, stay attractive,
and busy herself with her sewing.
"
"there are uses for cinquefoil, the plant
(uses quite comprehensive, i grant).
keep some roots as contingency ?
good for astringency.
trust all those herbals? i can't.
"
"the resorts of spain's costa del sol
have long been a popular goal.
moor your yacht at a club;
do a spa, get a rub,
hit a beach. it'll help you feel whole.
"
"great films draw us in to a scene
using motion and light on a screen.
so a top art director
is a ""mood man,"" connector,
master chef of pictoric cuisine.
"
"lynn gives bowling advice at the lanes:
""you've been hitting one-two,"" she explains.
jim answers, ""now look, lynn,
i aim for the brooklyn ?
that pocket's my strike,"" he maintains.
"
"robert abplanalp, aerosol king ?
with his valve, one can spread any thing:
oil or paint in a spray
(found a new use today) ?
so for bob, the inventor, ""ka-ching!""
"
"my toro mows short down below,
sickles guiding the grass; watch it go:
as the lawn gets a new cut
from the bed-knife, a crewcut,
i try not to feed it my toe.
"
"in some larger cathedrals, perhaps
smaller chapels extend from the apse.
many tasks to fulfill
in pursuing god's will ?
supplementaries fill in the gaps.
"
"our appliance garage is complete.
now it's lined, so the wood takes the heat.
with our toaster, our blender,
it's a kitchen defender!
maybe pointless, but very discreet.
"
"this rope loop of cotton supplies
the beholder a treat for his eyes:
to the circus we go
where a high-flying show
with a cloud swing brings wonder and sighs.
"
"stupid blowout just ruined that tire.
the bang's on my nerves, head's on fire,
and i'm missing a spare,
but i'm not sure i care ?
i can walk home. that's all i desire.
"
"she was foaled with such startling force
that a howitzer seemed an apt source,
so we thought of krupp's gun:
western front, world war i,
and we named her big bertha, of course.
"
"apollinaire may require some explaining:
""it is raining my soul. it is raining,
but it's raining dead eyes,""
the surreal poet cries.
guillaume's deep ? but i think entertaining.
"
"""you don't get me,"" i said, ""i won't run.
go ahead ? call me names, have your fun.
you can pout; you can brood ?
i'm not bulldozed by crude.
makes no difference to me; it's all one.""
"
"how oddly preposterous ? droll
that my ex has been dating a troll.
she has wit, charm and style;
he's vulgar and vile.
i should laugh, but it's shredding my soul.
"
"a bullhook can pierce a beast's hide.
it's a pole that's a pain in its side.
yet trainers, those fools,
use these inhumane tools
just to break down an elephant's pride.
"
"an eccentric commander-in-chief
was determined to turn a new leaf.
he declared himself jain,
worshiped forests and rain,
and his home? a druidic motif.
"
"""why are barn doors on sets?"" suzy asks.
""that's what gaffers call variable masks.
when their opening's slim,
then the lighting is dim;
when it's wide, well, an actor just basks.""
"
"he played sony and sega all day:
stealing cars, blowing humans away.
had he just cracked a book,
he might not be a crook
with a jet and his own swiss chalet.
"
"though you're armored and trained for this fight,
your opponent expects to find fright.
so, remember, your grace, mask
your mien with that face mask.
'neath your beaver, you're fierce. you're all knight.
"
"""you bug me,"" he said?so i did:
placed a mike in his can, 'neath the lid,
and one under his bed
and the light overhead?
tiny bugs all around?all well hid.
"
"though i majored in english and psych,
i've loved planting since i was a tyke.
that's what life's been about:
reaching up, branching out ?
i'm dendritic, and that's what i like.
"
"i asked dad for advice on investing.
he was wary ? resisted suggesting.
his caution still lingers:
""just don't burn your fingers!
if you're hurt, there'll be no use protesting.""
"
"this emplacement once held a great gun.
now it basks in the normandy sun.
no more fears of invasions ?
it serves peaceful occasions:
couples use it for holiday fun.
"
"that dull-witted son-of-a-bitch
can't find his way home, but he's rich!
yeah, no great education,
but the eyes of the nation
are on him, 'cause that boy can pitch.
"
"it's a simple affirmative defense.
i'll get off if they've got any sense.
he was whipping my horse,
so i killed him?of course.
hire a lawyer? a needless expense.
"
"i reflect on the scholarship gained,
all the primitive ways i've explained ?
spent my life in the jungle
(tried each new anti-fungal),
'cause i'm anthropologically trained.
"
"once his brewery opened its doors,
there were profits for young adolph coors.
with clear creek as a source
and his know-how, perforce
his name's golden, in taverns and stores.
"
"""roasted witch, poisoned food, butchered toes ?
grimm's too grim for young minds; out it goes!""
until bettelheim said
that it's good for the head:
both enchanted and chilled, a child grows.
"
"better groundwork and research were needed
from all, then the business succeeded.
""do our homework,"" we said.
""we prepare or we're dead.""
now our prospects look great ? unimpeded.
"
"i should care how that idiot feels?
no, it's time to just dig in my heels?
ditch him, once and for all,
nail his ass to the wall?
no waffling, no pleas and no deals.
"
"the old man died in harness one night:
at his desk, in the bright office light.
i still pass by his door;
he's not there any more?
but my heart says, ""ghost enters, stage right.""
"
"""we need votes, man. those folks by the river
seem behind us, but just by a sliver.""
""relax?we'll do fine.
i can keep them in line.""
""you can talk, man, but can you deliver?""
"
"she wouldn't, of course, interfere,
even whisper a word in his ear.
so, subtly, in mime,
using gestures of time,
with a dumb show, she made herself clear.
"
"with his buddies, he's puckish, an elf,
while his other's locked up, on a shelf.
he dissociates freely;
he's frightened. ideally,
we'll put him in touch with himself.
"
"we're arrayed for our night on the town:
edie's borrowed a mink and a gown.
they'll be seeing our faces
at all the right places?
no stinting; we'll do it up brown.
"
"what we found has the family buzzin',
like those programs burt stashed by the dozen
and those crisp little skirts,
and those shoes ? bet that hurts!
that's my closet balletomane cousin.
"
"it's been years since i've been on a date.
now i'm balding, slowed down, overweight.
once i knew all the drills?
i'll just dust off my skills:
keep my cool. the rewards should be great.
"
"press these driver ant heads 'cross your cut;
they'll clamp on ? now you're sure i'm a nut.
pulled apart, now, dispatched,
with their heads left attached,
as with sutures, they'll keep your wound shut.
"
"on his horn, he was smooth as could be?
clear and sweet, and we heard it for free.
played us soldiers to sleep:
""close your eyes; count your sheep.""
he was bugle boy, company b.
"
"boss, you've never come close to that place.
i've been over it twice, just in case.
so sit back and relax,
'cause i've covered your tracks:
no papers or prints ? not a trace.
"
"almost there ? grab your kids and your pack
(bus stays locked till it's time to head back).
road dead-ends in the park,
where we'll all disembark.
perfect day ? get this picnic on track!
"
"a lissome professional dancer
sues a grower for alar-linked cancer.
the suit overreaches
(never used on his peaches),
but the orchardist's moved to romance her.
"
" displacement, when full, often runs
into hundreds of thousands of tons:
thus we measure a tanker.
at sea or at anchor,
up close, its enormousness stuns.
"
"she's been added adjunctively ? still,
she's far better than run-of-the-mill.
bet she's smarter by half
than the regular staff,
and i love that she dresses to kill.
"
"hold this body ? this old, borrowed dust;
share my shadow, my heart, if you must.
you're a breeze through my mind.
still, i leave you behind:
i am failing, succumbing to rust.
"
"is this possible, doc? i'm so young
to be suffering from cheese worker's lung.
yet i'm wheezing, i cough,
and my lung scan is off,
showing mold spores that flew past my tongue.
"
"those reporters are waiting outside.
we can't seem to have something to hide.
if they're armed with the facts,
we'll be stopped in our tracks.
keep it simple: ""your sources have lied.""
"
"spa regulars come for the flow
that emanates there, from below.
one sees mothers and daughters
indulge in those waters,
kick back and just let the stress go.
"
"mom kept struggling to bring out the best in him,
but she never could settle the pest in him.
he'd go raging about
then call, ""mom, bail me out.""
now it's murder. there's one last arrest in him.
"
"it grows dark; there's a deafening din
as the pall of a dust storm moves in:
nature's surface-to-air
stings your eyes, grits your hair.
stand firm ? it'll sandblast your skin.
"
"from her brain issue tortured creations:
wicked canvases, weird emanations.
something's taken a toll
on the well of a soul
that keeps spewing these base desecrations.
"
"did those terrorists finally free you?
i peer through those crowds to id you.
should i party or pray
or just savor this day?
what a joy! it elates me to see you.
"
"she's impressed by her face; it's the dimple.
she'd sue god at the very first pimple.
when she checks her reflection,
all she sees is perfection.
that's an egotist's life, pure and simple.
"
"a heart's emblematic of love,
while for peace, an old standby's the dove.
we've no need to create
a design that says ""hate"" ?
the swastika fits like a glove.
"
"this defendant's accused of misprision,
and deserves careful thought, not derision.
brought together to do it,
we're set to get to it?
empaneled to make a decision.
"
"last night rolled along as i'd planned:
perfect food, quiet talk ? kept it bland.
a slow stroll by the lake
(nothing heavy at stake) ?
she was soon eating out of my hand.
"
"that was wrong, even though you were right:
stupid comment ? we're in for a fight.
call their editor pompous?
he's boxing the compass.
we'll lose his endorsement tonight.
"
"the disabled list reads a to z:
torn achilles, the flu, twisted knee.
when a sprain or condition
strikes any position,
a reliable bench is the key.
"
"where the promenade lines brooklyn heights,
the east river reflects dazzling sights
of manhattan beyond
as my love and i bond
amid strollers and floral delights.
"
"seven-ten, it's a bitch to convert.
my last shot, or i'm losing my shirt.
a peculiar finale:
fall short on the alley ?
make this spare, or it's sure gonna hurt.
"
"on the stage, we have business to learn:
how to sit, where to look, when to turn.
i must know who's behind me,
and you, where to find me.
actors' actions ? no minor concern.
"
"ten more months on this god-awful base?
i'll be catching my death in this place,
'cause it's clammy and cold
and i'm sleeping with mold ?
hell, even the food's a disgrace.
"
"there are days when the wife loses touch:
i'm original sin; she's too much.
i cause wars and inflation ?
it's rank defamation.
if a butterfly dies, i'm in dutch.
"
"we bearded the lion at last ?
at rehearsal, revealed a recast.
it was time to confess
that the lead was a mess ?
cut our losses, replace him, and fast.
"
"read the sign, ""anatomical wonders!""
that's what carneys parade as god's blunders.
one's a girl with a beard
who's just gawked at and jeered;
one's an ""ogre,"" whose flatulence thunders.
"
"at each entrance, he must strike a pose;
he declaims to the outermost rows.
he's chewing the scenery
and waltzing with greenery.
how he keeps the part, nobody knows.
"
"there are critters out there in the hush ?
baby beasties that blend in the brush:
they don't dazzle like clowns,
but wear dun, grayish browns
(it could even prove deadly to blush).
"
"i'll be forced to dip into our savings.
i'm bidding to win those engravings;
i couldn't be surer:
each one is a d?rer.
""too much,"" you say? philistine ravings.
"
"the andosol's thick on my lands;
it provides what a planter demands.
my crops never spoil
in volcanic-based soil.
it's just dirt, but my dirt understands.
"
"think this bout will be easy ? just fun?
i'll take anyone on, one-on-one.
i'm a blue hen from delaware
who'll soon leave you well aware:
we rock, baby ? second to none.
"
"the board's published a plan with a list:
comprehensive ? yes, no one's been missed.
called our ""we can pull through print,""
it's really their blueprint,
with warnings ? their velvet-gloved fist.
"
"here's the book on this kid: he can bunt;
stay alert, 'cause he's up for a stunt.
look, we know the kid's smart ?
baseball head, lots of heart ?
if he squares, don't charge too close up front.
"
"half your life's about what you should wear,
but you're perfect, so why should you care?
why not borrow a page
from those strippers onstage:
wear whatever, then lay it all bare.
"
"a ceraunics professor was trained
in how heat was conserved, used or drained.
an electric device
or the nature of ice
was his field ? and his fervor? unfeigned.
"
"what's the fuss? just an old wedding ring.
not much value?how much would it bring?
i can face that you're gone;
guess i'll just leave it on.
it's my right. i've grown used to the thing.
"
"dumas wrote of three musketeers
and d'artagnan (inseparable peers),
of ardor and lust,
of confidence, trust.
dumas, p?re, has lived long past his years.
"
"indigestion, or is that its speech?
first it rumbles, then builds to a screech.
this alien's vowel sounds
remind me of bowel sounds,
and they issue, it seems, from its breech.
"
"you'll find that she's full of surprises,
like her bra cups of opposite sizes.
view her right boob for free;
for the left, there's a fee.
and a tandem display? the fee rises.
"
"communications have gone through transition.
you're dismissed as a land line technician.
don't just picket and pout;
change directions, branch out.
with new skills, you're a whole new edition.
"
"this faction, new-risen, emergent,
must be ruthlessly managed. it's urgent!
before they start growing,
clean their nests out; get going.
your code name: insurgent detergent.
"
"my estate's my escape; it's my base,
where i hunt on my own private chase.
i run deer and small game
(unimpressed by my name).
it's primordial, a raw change of pace.
"
"intellectuals surely took note
of the essays that emerson wrote:
truth's not doctrine-dependent,
but simple, transcendent ?
intuitive ? never remote.
"
"want to learn something? get off your ass!
read some books or enroll in a class.
it will someday hit home
that all roads lead to rome.
in the end, it will all come to pass.
"
"my aunt blabby just chatters away,
telling tales of life ""back in the day,""
adding facts here and there,
details snatched from mid-air ?
her ""embellishments"" ? lies, i would say.
"
"he can learn; he's got great versatility,
backed by dignity, looks and virility.
would they vote for him? no,
'cause he can't run the show.
popularity's not electability.
"
"my new cessna's half in my garage,
like some travel art photomontage.
one small boy i heard shout,
""that plane's butt's hangin' out.""
i called back, ""that's my plane's empannage.""
"
"as my wife sits applying her base,
once again, i'm admiring her face.
with that skin, she's my pride;
she has nothing to hide.
""not so much! that's my favorite place.""
"
"i don't care if he founded the biz;
the corporate funds are not his.
for his personal pleasure, he
raided our treasury.
embezzlement! that's what this is.
"
"she's too sylphlike, too flawless of face,
an embodiment: beauty and grace.
though perhaps not intended,
she's annoyingly splendid ?
a polestar to all in the place.
"
"she was hired as his ace in the hole;
she'd make changes, then he'd take control.
his plan's never borne fruit.
she's a cold, empty suit:
sans savvy, sans vision, sans soul.
"
"dance-obsessed since one cruise-ship excursion,
i've made tango a lifetime immersion.
competitively dancing
of late, i'm romancing
the judges with hints of perversion.
"
"regions change, and biota keep pace.
variations arise for each case.
when the great glaciations
brought successful mutations,
emergent evolution took place.
"
"no excuses ? you're plastered, don't lie again.
we're all sick of you saying you'll try again.
if you fail to dry out,
i'm beginning to doubt
that we'll care enough even to cry again.
"
"an embarrassment of riches, i'd say:
wear my clothes once, then toss them away.
but i sing, i'm a star;
the whole world's my bazaar,
so i splurge every prodigal day.
"
"don't accuse me of eavesdropping, punk!
but i did hear you pushing that junk.
can't believe what you're doing;
don't you know who you're screwing?
you used my place? you must've been drunk.
"
"on the stage, he spoke rather emphatically,
and postured and gestured dramatically.
while appearing intense,
he was making no sense.
once again, he was thinking erratically.
"
"undiscloseable black operations
serve the policy goals of most nations:
surreptitiously planned,
unofficially manned,
in all kinds of obscure situations.
"
"the prince and bewitching brunette
had a wedding we'll never forget:
with caparisoned steeds
at deliberate speeds,
and circumstance solemnly set.
"
"as we struggle, our deadline draws near.
it's become ineluctably clear:
though alive and, yes, kicking,
our clock is still ticking?
hope a last-minute grant will appear.
"
"some camp followers, during past wars,
were wives and stock-minders and whores,
they might try to impress
in a womanly dress,
or go masculine down to their drawers.
"
"my eczema's awful today;
these emollients don't work as they say.
i've tried plenty of ointments ?
all big disappointments.
hot and itchy, i'm flaking away.
"
"lots of people would pay you for that.
would you please keep it under your hat?
if you don't breathe a word
about what you've just heard,
it's for certain they won't smell a rat.
"
"someone notify doug's next of kin,
'cause that puff adder's broken his skin,
and we got here too late,
so there's not long to wait:
any moment, doug's sure to cash in.
"
"this nit-picker's power's too great.
call the question, man; choke off debate.
once we've gagged the old goat,
we can call for a vote.
shut him down, 'cause i've got a hot date.
"
"she's been bleeding me dry by the quart,
for herself and our children's support.
now i'm working part-time,
and i've spent my last dime.
looks like this month, i'm coming up short.
"
"a duplicitous lout on a date
said, ""let's go now, my goddess ? it's late.""
she read sex on his mind,
cupped his chin and declined:
""bed a goddess? you can't pay the freight.""
"
"i'm chumming, provoking the fish
with some fabulous fish-tempting dish.
i'll use corn crushed in bread
or some chopped salmon head;
they'll be primed for the hook, as i wish.
"
"mine's a punishing, stressful profession.
i must choose every word with discretion.
though i'm serving my nation,
i need a vacation
to unwind, simmer down: decompression.
"
"his half-baked and vague delineation
of programs to ""heal our sick nation""
helped win our affection.
he won the election,
and we wait, in widespread aggravation.
"
"you're the honcho for now, but you'll see,
my support all these years won't come free.
once i've turned things around,
put your face in the ground,
you'll be dancing attendance on me.
"
"""it's mineral-clogged,"" he opined.
""your water's left blockage behind.""
it's basic home science:
maintain each appliance.
decalcify. keep it in mind.
"
"this game's boring? leave that up to me.
i'll reveal what the cameras don't see,
like the home lives of players,
and sport's hidden layers.
i do color (and sharp repartee).
"
"out carousing one night at cornell,
he was crossing the gorge, and he fell.
the school's chasmed and canyoned;
he was baked, uncompanioned.
alone, he had no hope in hell.
"
"we will always, somehow, have enough.
thanks to science, we've plenty of stuff:
cornucopian views
can inhibit the blues.
if they're wrong, though, the future looks rough.
"
"since he looted that mutual fund,
he's been justly berated and shunned.
dare he try exhumation
of his dead reputation?
if he carries it off, i'll be stunned.
"
"a new restaurant's opened uptown
with a chef they claim cooked for the crown.
the appointments are charming,
but the food tastes alarming.
to be trendy, i'm choking it down.
"
"buy and sell: that's my longtime profession.
i screwed up on a recent accession:
bought a heavy sealed box
that said ""old prity rocks,""
not ""guns."" they've charged criminal possession.
"
"when an animal bristles with fear,
an arrector pili's purpose is clear:
these minuscule muscles
raise its hairs, then it hustles
to hide and (it hopes) disappear.
"
"well, huzzah for the captive bolt gun.
food on hoof it's intended to stun.
then a slaughterer cuts it
and drains it and guts it.
pig out ? don't let me spoil your fun.
"
"using bulbs in the kitchen's in favor;
either onion or garlic adds flavor.
but don't crush it, just bruise it ?
that's the best way to use it.
take a crack; get the knack ? it's a saver.
"
"give advice, but with less elaboration.
you distract with too much information.
how to get to the moma?
start from here, not tacoma ?
name the train, but not every damn station.
"
"while she's hosting, she seems thrilled to bits.
morning after, she's more like the blitz:
always biliously sniping,
and grousing and griping.
post-party post-mortems: the pits.
"
"while we bury our heads in the sand,
the ungoverned have had a free hand:
lawless cutthroats and thugs,
out for kicks, high on drugs,
anarchically ravage our land.
"
"as she lolled, nothing left undisclosed,
students sketched; she fought yawns, nearly dozed.
she reclined, on display,
arranged any which way:
immobile, yet alterably posed.
"
"despite research and groundwork and ink,
this new auto goes down in a wink.
like some four-wheeled sore thumb,
edsel's time hasn't come.
ford's titanic: back off; watch it sink.
"
"she'll appear and make hearts skip a beat,
with ensembles well-chosen and neat.
if it rains unremittingly,
she dresses befittingly:
in spandex that spans head to feet.
"
"we're not sure any more this is cool.
this graffiti's the work of a fool.
we're finally effacing it,
scrubbing, erasing it,
restoring the walls of the school.
"
"""an electroencephalograph
on a scaffold? you're making me laugh.
you're just charting a brain:
lie him down; be humane.""
""but our subject's an active giraffe.""
"
"she tried out for the circus, and blew it,
but with sheep, she knows just how to do it:
watches over our stock,
cuts one out of the flock.
where's her contract? i want to renew it.
"
"getting published by them will be tricky:
they're quite editorially picky.
maybe you'll get their nod,
but their attitude's odd.
they still boast of rejecting james dickey.
"
"sabers drawn, flashing steel, row on row,
in the wars not all that long ago:
they'd engage, they'd connect,
with horrendous effect.
edged weapons would slice through a foe.
"
"solid logic is lasting, enduring,
based on evidence ? safe, reassuring.
to think more constructively,
reason deductively,
though diversion's seductive, alluring.
"
"sailing out from our warm coral keys
toward the sun, we had following seas?
made good easting all day,
splitting waves, throwing spray,
pushed along by a westerly breeze.
"
"had she acted disreputably? yes:
foul language, indecorous dress.
there'd be no turning back,
so we gave her the sack.
now she's suing; good lord, what a mess!
"
"when he begged to, just once, share her bed:
""in your dreams, pig. i'd rather be dead!""
still, his hope springs eternally:
he pursues her ? infernally,
determinedly stumbling ahead.
"
"descendibility's prime in a slope;
if it's rugged, for me there's no hope.
my ideal, i'm afraid,
is a nice, gentle grade.
while this ski resort's hot, i'm no dope.
"
"he's a crackerjack salesman, you bet,
and as cool as a mozart quartet.
he's determined which stars
love collectible cars,
and who must own a vintage corvette.
"
"""sure, i haunt every soho boutique;
i go clubbing: one has to be chic.
but i dine economically,""
she said, grinning comically,
""by eating just four times a week.""
"
"our amalgam is fresh to this scene.
it's a blend: asian fusion cuisine,
mixing javanese/thai/
cantonese?worth a try?
food symphonic, so good it's obscene.
"
"danielle and i dated dutch treat.
she'd get greens and i'd stoke up on meat.
gourmet or buffet,
we'd each pay our own way.
oh so civil, but so incomplete.
"
"time to pay. think our service comes cheap?
here's your statement ? now read it and weep.
think it's steep? it's not fair?
well, guess what ? i don't care.
cough it up, man, you're into us deep.
"
"i've been visited nightly by fears:
twisted versions of life's souvenirs.
i've had feverish schemes:
find a cleanser for dreams
that would purge stressful thoughts and dry tears.
"
"such outrageous effrontery's crass.
it presumes one's entitled ? takes brass.
when due, we show deference,
but meritless preference?
no! we conduct things with class.
"
"an efficiency just will not do;
there are three of us, not one or two.
i'd be losing my space
with your mom in my face.
this apartment's one bedroom too few.
"
"there the challenger sits, on his stool,
with his thoughts on the bout, looking cool.
but this fight will be vital:
his shot at the title.
he'll be ruthless and hard, even cruel.
"
"once bombed, now the ginza's all light,
as it glows with industrial might.
tokyo now, former edo
(it rhymes well with meadow):
by night, it's a dazzling sight.
"
"dutch guiana was suriname's past.
now it hosts a remarkable cast:
lots of hindus, chinese,
some maroons, if you please,
and the upshot: the food is a blast!
"
"i put thousands on eephboy today,
but he's back in the pack ? that's okay.
in the tight final turn
he shows power to burn:
he's sliced through; now he's breaking away.
"
"i've told everyone, ""this one's for me ?
competition's stayed home; don't you see?""
at the end of the race,
i've got egg on my face.
i've embarrassed myself, so feel free.
"
"loads of room in the rear to lade freight,
and i'm licensed to serve every state.
i can clear a quick buck
on the bed of my truck,
but your cargo, sir, that's tempting fate.
"
"eat your words, or i'll make them your last.
take them back, 'cause you're badly outclassed.
clear my rep with my crew
or i'll break you in two.
what the hell do you know of my past?
"
"eat your hearts out, you fools! this one's mine.
just one look, then i must draw the line.
i'm a reprobate sinner,
but, then, i can slide in her:
my bugatti. back off there, you swine!
"
"""we'll use colors direct from the sky.
they'll go easy,"" she said, ""on the eye.""
on our first anniversary,
we're bedecking a nursery.
there's no need, i suspect, to say why.
"
"my buddy, once bland and unbedded,
wears rasta-style gear, his hair dreaded.
i'd urged him to take a
nice trip to jamaica ?
he found love and jerk chicken and wedded.
"
"by the warm aitutaki lagoon,
overseen by a dazzling moon,
the breeze in the palms
both caresses and calms.
i'll return, polynesia ? and soon.
"
"for me, there's just no higher high
than a dish of sweet black bottom pie.
this treat cuts the mustard
with two kinds of custard.
the concept alone makes me sigh.
"
"so you're chilled by our central ac?
we can regulate flow, if need be,
with the moveable plate
in a damper. but wait.
there's a fee, sir, 'cause nothing comes free.
"
"""this will clear up your skin,"" read the ad
(all the itching was driving her mad).
the stuff stank?it was rank,
but her rash quickly shrank,
and she never found out what she had.
"
"books on nature need never be boring
when it's fun to get out there, exploring.
if our world's described lyrically,
we'll confirm it empirically,
our delight in creation sent soaring.
"
"since they faxed her this cold, pointed letter,
it's posted. we'll never forget her:
""you've been missing work chronically;
you're replaced electronically.
a machine won't play sick?and works better.""
"
"electrocution's a hard possibility
when you work for a power utility.
when some circuit shorts out,
don't go feeling about.
you'll fry with alarming facility.
"
"though in bars, we may banter and fleer,
i'm concerned by their convenance here.
such language! extremely
ill-chosen, unseemly
where delicate ears may come near.
"
"i want access the boss won't allow
to a file that's a real ""sacred cow.""
got my shot; i won't blow it.
i learn fast and i'll show it:
commit it to memory?now!
"
"when he speaks, he makes furniture care;
he awakens with drama and flare.
it's an aura he weaves:
we believe he believes.
he electrifies everyone there.
"
"i fell for this car on the spot.
should've bargained, of course; i could not.
she's so vivid and bright,
bet she glows in the night.
my electric blue mustang is hot.
"
"i've turned ashen, as white as a sheet,
and i'm squirming about in my seat.
thoughts of snakes on a plane
are at loose in my brain,
and the cargo bay's under my feet.
"
"""my new boyfriend,"" she said, ""imports dope.
c'mon, pops, put away that old rope.
it's some chemical goo
with a function or two?
you don't think i'm that stupid, i hope.""
"
"i don't read ? never got no degree.
collect freebies ? they're my cup of tea.
so i love books of matches.
then one lights; it all catches!
did i close before striking? screw me!
"
"what's your problem? you'd better take stock.
so she's pretty. so what? you're a jock.
girls are pleased if you're gentle;
instead, you go mental.
don't ""can't"" me ? just drive through your block.
"
"he's got ceaseless cerebral capacity,
and reads with tremendous voracity.
this strange hunger, this need ?
on what stuff does it feed?
it's like time, this enduring edacity.
"
"all these petty-ass, chicken inspections,
and he flips at the least imperfections.
his commandery's seething;
i'm amazed he's still breathing.
such outrages spark insurrections.
"
"""we've been fishing; our engine just died.
it's damn hot and we're dry and we're fried.""
""you need beers; stop your rowing.
we'll rig you for towing.
boat your oars, boys, and slide alongside.""
"
"in cuzco, that andean treasure,
we explored narrow streets at our leisure.
then we loved machu picchu,
high ruins that reach you:
the spell of the incas ? a pleasure.
"
"we met on the rue madeleine.
we loved briefly, intensely, and then
sadly drifted apart.
now i look to my heart,
my eyes clouding all over again.
"
"i write congress (like they ever care),
try an anchorman (nobody's there).
i tote signs day and night.
people won't see the light:
satan reigns. hell, i'm beating the air.
"
"there are markets left open to fill.
if we fail to expand, others will.
(i'll admit that i'm hopin'
for my post they'll open
a branch office down in brazil.)
"
"you approach her and then you fall back.
that's a dubious plan of attack.
if you're doubting yourself,
you'll remain on the shelf.
step aside. let a pro have a crack.
"
"something new's on o'malley's buffet
labeled ""boxty"" ? i tried some today.
it was mashed and fried spuds
which i ate with iced buds.
is that irish? well, maybe halfway.
"
"sip some barack, hungarian brandy,
from apricots ? sweeter than candy.
your guests, well, a lot'll
look twice at the bottle,
and think it's obama's; that's dandy.
"
"elasmobranchs (sharks, skates and rays)
get a lot of attention these days.
""let's go dive with a shark,
for the sport, for a lark.""
crazy thrill-seeking, great white buffets.
"
"emancipation's release from one's ties;
for a slave, it's the ultimate prize.
it also invokes
minors' breaks with their folks
or when prejudice opens its eyes.
"
"my drive home's gonna drive me insane
with those chuckholes and ruts ? inhumane.
though my back's not that strong,
i keep bumping along.
i've tried letters and calls ? all in vain.
"
"maps show ethnic or vote distribution,
or range or effects of pollution.
i use choropleth maps
in polemics, as traps
created with deft execution.
"
"when a specimen joins our collection,
we start with an ectal inspection:
kept whole and unbloodied,
it's externally studied,
then out come the knives for dissection.
"
"her new song began life as a flop,
but her agent's the cream of the crop.
though it's been quite a pull, it
hit third (with a bullet) ?
that sign says she'll soon be on top.
"
"as activity comes to a stop
at our dojo, one hears the dust drop.
teacher inks the carved stone
in bright red. ""be it known:
you are master ? i seal with this chop.""
"
"in light of the pounds i'd been shedding,
i produced my old tux for the wedding.
it was bindingly tight
so i gave up the fight,
bought a new tux. my gut's resumed spreading.
"
"so he canned you, so screw him! so?shoot,
we'll take amtrak: one long, last commute.
and i'll manage your pain
in our room on the train.
i'll make nice to you, darlin', en route.
"
"her delta wing cuts through the skies;
speed is safe with the lift it supplies.
she can put on a show,
then set down nice and slow:
the f-106 dart, what a prize!
"
"again, ham and cheese? how clich?d,
ah, but egg-dipped and butter-saut?ed:
""today's sandwich du jour,
fresh from france, croque monsieur""?
sounds just different enough, and ""home-made.""
"
"when you're planning new roads, it behooves
you ? make lefts less precarious moves.
by the use of diverging
diamonds, the merging
of traffic and turning improves.
"
"that banderol over our door
bears our motto, ""go forth and explore.""
it's carved fully unscrolled,
yet that's all it can hold.
it was chiseled before the great war.
"
"though silt often coats a stream's bed,
there are some lined with pebbles, instead.
it's called armoring: sealed
by this tightly packed shield,
all the silt that's beneath won't be spread.
"
"""surf's up!"" need i say any more?
we all jam in the jeep for the shore.
if we're crowded and  cramped,
we don't notice, we're amped?
energetic and hyped to the core.
"
"some anchors hold buildings together.
with tie rods, they counter rough weather.
they're the clamps that stem swellings
in the walls of some dwellings.
walls can bulge; anchors work like a tether.
"
"daily business in capital city
is legal but not very pretty.
congress writes its own rules
(and we let them; we're fools),
then appropriates stuff in committee.
"
"this old poster's been gnawed at by mice.
mark it down, if you want my advice.
think your clients are suckers?
it's got buckles and puckers
from damp. that's a ludicrous price.
"
"botanicals animate places,
on walls and all manner of spaces.
our family dines
midst these floral designs.
some are framed and some decorate vases.
"
"we built strong, but the weather seeped through.
we learned cladding's the best thing to do.
must have been the right call,
'cause our new outer wall
keeps us dryer. it looks better, too.
"
"once the editing process began,
we worked smoothly for months, as one man.
with this final deletion,
it's reached a concretion.
our film's solid, complete?in the can.
"
"these sixty sea creatures can be
composed in the shape of a tree,
then transformed to a bear
or to disney's march hare,
then, disjoined, be thrown back in the sea.
"
"profound conflicts in novels seem real.
they've a near-universal appeal.
we're distracted by actions;
ideas are abstractions,
but those moral dilemmas we feel.
"
"why pursue the ideal illustration?
use corbis, avoid litigation.
they've bought digital rights
to some millions of sights?
one more lucrative bill gates creation.
"
"that's a colt double-action, my son.
it's a six-cartridge cylinder gun.
once your rounds are pushed in,
give its chambers a spin.
this revolver's for business, not fun.
"
"i expect your respect for our guest;
don't play cute?i will not be impressed.
too clever's annoying,
too sweet even cloying.
""be yourself"" isn't always the best.
"
"emblazonry's tough, but i'm trying:
our shield's colors demand reapplying.
but the detail's too much on
my forebears' escutcheon,
and the hues so intense, i've been crying.
"
"filming nights, but your timing's not right?
different film stocks can alter the light.
when your schedule's off-kilter,
use the perfect blue filter?
you'll have evening at noon, day for night.
"
"in support of the home he held dear,
abba eban had quite a career.
an israeli by choice,
he would furnish her voice,
with an eloquence wondrous to hear.
"
"other horses were clearly outclassed
as they turned and came thundering past.
kelso surged to the lead,
and kept laying on speed,
legs galloping blurringly fast.
"
"i approach things adventurously, son,
don't regret whom i've loved, what i've done.
who wants logic or reason?
life's one long silly season.
i'm still here, and it sure has been fun.
"
"she was raised in an ivory tower,
but now rules in the corridors of power,
where her every decision
shows prudence and vision.
her influence grows by the hour.
"
"hard work's the best way to success,
not those legs and that short, sexy dress.
that's no way to behave ?
you'll just dig your own grave ?
'cause it says legs are all you possess.
"
"where my arm peters out, there are creases,
or you might say, they're where my hand ceases.
called bracelets, not bangles,
they're smooth, without angles,
like a gasket ? a juncture of pieces.
"
"cooling quickly, it's cook-time in camp
by the lake in the light of one lamp.
time to grill the tomatoes
and whip some potatoes
with scallions and butter ? that's champ.
"
"as a cop, i don't search to be mean.
it's not fun, it's a simple routine.
i'm not groping your charms;
i'm just patting for arms.
you'll be right on your way ? if you're clean.
"
"we were landlocked and dry as could be.
we decided to issue this plea:
""you're our last, best resort;
we need use of your port
and a corridor through to the sea.""
"
"our lifestyle, to some, is exotic
'cause we're openly homoerotic.
sure we're ""sapphic,"" that's chill,
even ""butch,"" if you will.
but ""dykey""? what are you, psychotic?
"
"""wait, you drank a whole bottle of scotch?""
""not the bottle, the booze, dad ? top notch
(never tried drinking glass).
that glenlivet ? first class.
'bout to start your ardbeg; wanna watch?""
"
"so you figure i'm no competition.
you're expecting to get my position.
think again, you can't win;
i'm entrenched and dug in:
a perennial human tradition.
"
"when demand rose for warships and guns,
there, in scotland, was colville &amp; sons,
its location ideal
to forge quality steel?
yearly output in millions of tons.
"
"bucks & haydn. how may i direct you?
investments? you say they expect you?
now those words that you hate, sir:
""there'll be a short wait, sir.""
hold on; there's a line. i'll connect you.
"
"it's night and a whippoorwill calls,
a bobcat then springs; its prey falls.
if they live in a bottom,
then congaree's got 'em:
old growth often swamped ? it enthralls.
"
"there are models next door, a whole slew,
shooting glamour. i look?wouldn't you?
they're all pouty and still,
some propped up on the sill.
my rooftop commands a great view.
"
"i don't say our decor should be cold,
but these reds? a bit harsh, even bold.
for our colors i'd choose
forest greens and cool blues.
cool is soothing, or so i've been told.
"
"colonel chovoff toured sundry locations,
from parade sites to small celebrations.
and he once gave a speech
minus shirt at a beach,
with his chest pierced by odd decorations.
"
"any tree wears its leaves in its crown.
for an herb, the crown's much farther down:
where its stems meet its roots,
whence it sends up new shoots ?
two botanical meanings, one noun.
"
"st. columba felt called to atone.
with the picts, he would make his faith known.
in the islands and fens,
through the mountains and glens,
this monastic's name's graven in stone.
"
"our collective mark goes on each piece
once it's ready for public release.
so insist on our labels;
help keep food on our tables.
in return, may your blessings increase.
"
"true conservatism's heart resists change.
if it's working, why look to the strange?
why abandon traditions
for unproven positions?
when it's comfortable, why rearrange?
"
"every soldier should have it, ideally,
this boiled, hardened leather, cuir bouilli.
if we seal it up right,
it becomes water-tight,
and makes shields indestructibly steely.
"
"once megan was thrown by her horse.
she was livid, yet blameless perforce.
but the trainer? fair game ?
the foul mouth on that dame!
what a tongue-lashing: blisteringly coarse.
"
"""this guy's got an edge"" is the line.
in competitive spots, watch him shine:
we're going to pieces,
his output increases,
we're sweating; he's doing just fine.
"
"i stood naked before her ? she knew:
with my problems, i might just pull through.
using clinical anatomy,
she looked, and said that o' me?
body structure's her forte; guess it's true.
"
"it's a cancelable contract, my friend:
pull out, if you wish, by year-end.
but you can't drag your feet,
'cause this timeshare deal's sweet:
island beachfront ? come on, man, unbend.
"
"there's a cold northern wind off the sound ?
hard to run on this near-frozen ground.
air so crisp and so dry
burns my throat, stings my eye.
but it's helping ? i'm nearly unwound.
"
"about time you took care of our son!
face it: junior's the best thing we've done.
he won't be a bother;
the perks of a father
are effortless, natural fun.
"
"as i sailed through warm tropical seas
in a following easterly breeze,
heading almost due west
to my beckoning nest,
i dropped, feeling blest, to my knees.
"
"they've been wrangling since i don't know when;
i negotiate peace now and then.
when he postures, she lies;
when he curses, she cries,
and i'm caught in the middle again.
"
"dribble past me? just try ? up to you.
i'm too quick, and intuitive, too.
you're a striker? attack.
i'll just send it right back,
'cause you're covered, you're ? crap! you got through!
"
"embryology's rather intrusive,
its subjects, by nature, reclusive:
in the womb, yet unborn,
yet to view their first morn.
safe conclusions are often elusive.
"
"keep your stuff in a stand, not a stack.
use our beautiful canterbury rack
for your music collection ?
arrayed for inspection.
make it yours and you won't bring it back.
"
"so this doll comes annoyingly late,
says she's got to bring me up to date?
on her dumb-bunny friends,
and her wars with split ends?
""babe, just cut to the sports. i can't wait.""
"
"it's an entry-level desktop design.
never used one? no sweat, you'll be fine.
plug it in, you're connected,
and virus-protected.
as a start-up, it's top of the line.
"
"i dreamt i could breed amitotically:
like a cell, i'd been cleaving chaotically.
then one duplicate me
grew a beard and split free
in weird clothing?and grinning neurotically.
"
"all your life, you keep getting away with it:
flaunt your mountain of money, and play with it.
you've beguiled and seduced;
now it's come home to roost
and the press will be making you pay with it.
"
"on elba, disabled, rejected,
napoleon waited, reflected.
in his warm tuscan phase,
lasting three hundred days,
he kept busy, prepared and connected.
"
"seeking swifts' nests in caves: what a pastime!
lost my hand-hold in bird turds the last time.
all those slimy walls climbed
leave me fouled and begrimed.
the soup's great. so far, no plaster cast time.
"
"she was born right where pisces meets aries,
so her aspect, her character, varies.
a cusp child's confusing.
the stars do the choosing:
she's careful, or flying with fairies.
"
"tricked and trapped, so we take up a stand.
we've been drygulched: cochise and his band.
under fire and boxed in,
lord above, save our skin ?
this just ain't what the captain had planned.
"
"watching over the mouth of the don,
in russia, northwest of iran,
where the turks built a fort
in defense of the port,
now azov, no more threat, carries on.
"
"there's a giant chateau past the gate
at george vanderbilt's biltmore estate.
what an elegant setting
for a sumptuous wedding?
an ambience that's both grand and sedate.
"
"it seemed wiser, just giving the nod
to the formal agreement with god.
then that covenant stuck
and, behold, turned our luck.
genuflection, though, feels a bit odd.
"
"i'm anemic, i'm sure?over-matched.
even curve balls: i should've been scratched.
and the bat felt so heavy,
like swingin' a chevy?
i did? with the donut attached?
"
"the chitons are molluscs with plates
they can flex when their journey dictates.
or they cling to a rock
? la limpets. unlock
them ? alaskan-style eating awaits.
"
"can ecology open our eyes?
are we greedy or merely unwise?
don't kill beasts and down trees
like some horrid disease.
study ties before everything dies.
"
"what a cruise! i fell over the rail,
but was rescued, thank god, by a whale.
it was vast, monumental,
yet caring and gentle.
(i'm known to embroider a tale.)
"
"'cause i'm stout, women quit at ""hello,""
but so far, this one's all systems go.
she's unfazed by obesity,
due to her cecity:
blind as a bat, don't you know.
"
"ecumenical councils are rare.
the defense of the faith is their fare.
church world leaders attend,
voice concerns, recommend.
i'm bored. but the devil may care.
"
"why abide by such strictures? unbend.
self-denial's for what? to what end?
why not turn a blind eye
to that ""pie in the sky""?
one life's all that you've got; why pretend?
"
"you moved in ? i thought, ""art: how refined.
he can rest here, away from the grind.""
but your comings and goings,
exhibits and showings
are driving me out of my mind.
"
"indiscretions? i'd slipped them right past her,
so my trystings came faster and faster.
i'd thought her oblivious
to my feastings lascivious.
not a chance! end result was disaster.
"
"idealistic, and sure we were right,
we were fools unprepared for a fight.
at long last, clouds are thinning;
we seem to be winning.
the end of the struggle's in sight.
"
"for a meal in a class all its own,
try this rib steak sliced clean of its bone:
entrecote, lightly broiled
(lose the pink and it's spoiled).
king of entrees, it's hard to dethrone.
"
"the irish-bred beckett would show,
through his writings, a cheerless tableau:
life's absurd and complex
in so many respects.
we continue to wait for godot.
"
"there's a leak in our organization
causing discord through disinformation,
so we'll have to close ranks,
reunite, watch our flanks,
come together to clean up our nation.
"
"information can fall through the cracks
of the system ? it's true, man, relax.
play your part in the game.
you don't have to place blame
if you'll just close your eyes to the facts.
"
"we built models quite carefully scaled
and made plans that were finely detailed.
once the heist came to pass,
what a triumph! first class.
the enactment could hardly have failed.
"
"there she sits, at the end of her rope:
she's the lead in my favorite soap,
her dreams dead, washed away,
leaving dark disarray.
hold on close-up: the efflux of hope.
"
"their relationship? set and cemented?
mellowed brandy, they seemed so contented.
but with time came the cracks:
her regrets, his attacks;
what a pity he never relented.
"
"look for me in the roof-rescue scenes,
not in flannels or sweatshirt and jeans.
no, i'll dress for the floods
in my sexiest duds.
chopper shot? i'll look hot on your screens.
"
"we're screwed up; can you help? now or never ?
it's a mess, but they tell me you're clever.
recondition this wreck
and you've got a blank check:
you can fire or hire ? whatever.
"
"here stands artemis, holding her spear;
by demeter, some wheat-ears are near.
each attribute's bearer,
companion or wearer
is traditional, time-honored, clear.
"
"if this matters, there's gossip about
dolly varden: she's not a true trout.
she's a salmon, a dream
off the grill, or in cream,
then washed down with a cold guinness stout.
"
"it's a charcoal, in black and in grays.
still, it captures fresh floral bouquets.
using pressed charcoal sticks,
art employs many tricks
to interpret those lovely arrays.
"
"if it's true alfred agostinelli
was proust's lover, marcel didn't tell. he
played checkers, chauffeured ?
but what further occurred?
remembrance is lost in time's belly.
"
"negotiations a bit of a grind?
money down says you've made up your mind.
that's the point of a binder?
the broker's reminder
that holds till all papers are signed.
"
"she was sweetness back then; she's matured.
now that artlessness hasn't endured.
over time, she's been scarred,
and, like concrete, grown hard?
hard to move, hard to crack?once it's cured.
"
"once my lawn was distinctly first class,
a well-manicured carpet of grass.
but the river, in flood,
left its refuse and mud.
now my carpet's a putrid morass.
"
"i wore cargos wherever i went:
perfect pockets worth every last cent.
as i danced, they ""exploded,""
disgorged and unloaded.
my wedding became an event.
"
"his defenders had cards still to play,
legal gambits?a baffling array:
simple truths would be muddled,
the jury befuddled
by their well-practiced courtroom ballet.
"
"so, what's on the fight card today?
the familiar intriguing array:
there's a retread, some bums,
hungry kids from the slums.
and a title bout getting the play.
"
"there's a fine, whitish crust on this cheese.
it's just bloomy?distinctive of bries.
so relax, the rind's edible,
and the inside is bread-able,
soft-ripened. you'll spread it with ease.
"
"stubborn cap clouds seem always in place,
obscuring the deadly north face.
if you'd still risk that climb,
choose a rare, limpid time,
both to summit and bounce back to base.
"
"he's a biantitropical critter,
a cool-water, north-south switch-hitter.
both temperate zones thrill him;
tropic heat might just kill him.
global warming could turn him quite bitter.
"
"slow and parlous to sail all around,
the long headland's all low-lying ground.
we'll canal through the cape,
then, in far better shape,
boost our commerce in one giant bound.
"
"in australia, a camp is for sheep,
or for cattle, whichever you keep.
and they won't ask for tents
or want nightly events,
but a head count might put you to sleep.
"
"""you're a hairy, ill-mannered buffoon.
i'd suggest you try changing your tune.""
""your candor's impressive.
i may seem excessive,
but my bearishness makes women swoon.""
"
"oh, she'll hunt ? see, she snuffles around:
goes about with her nose to the ground.
rub her snout in a kill
and she's blooded ? her skill
will emerge. it's her pedigree: hound.
"
"""crack a window; it's stuffy and hot.
ventilation would sure hit the spot.""
got no flippin' idea
how to build this ikea,
damn, it's heavy! my back is just shot.
"
"she was radiant, no doubt of that.
handsome gentlemen flocked to her flat.
all that's gone now; she's aging,
but far more engaging:
a delight just to stop with and chat.
"
"childhood dreams: you're the next rising star.
you matured, came to see who you are.
a black robe's what you saw,
so you studied the law,
and today you've been called to the bar.
"
"chicharrones are pigskins, deep-fried;
their addictiveness can't be denied:
if you crunch some at lunch,
bet you'll crave quite a bunch,
but your heart would say, ""push 'em aside.""
"
"filly's flagging? there's hope for us yet,
'cause we placed an across-the-board bet.
she can win, place or show;
we won't drop all our dough.
look, she's surging! she's still a real threat.
"
"each target's more hole than a pocket;
one's objective's in sight, but pegs block it.
the game's bagatelle.
very few play it well?
it's old-fashioned, i know, but don't knock it.
"
"balky boss? leave him just as you found him.
use the press?make an end run around him.
you'll enjoy his chagrin
when he's forced to give in.
then back off; his ""good luck"" will astound him.
"
"i could sue you. you know i have grounds:
i've been shadowed by two of your clowns.
stop your posturing, bro,
and i'll get you your dough.
i'll pay you. just call off your hounds.
"
"in a nest to which mom's unattached,
a brood parasite's own egg is hatched.
there it's raised by another
egg's dutiful mother
after sometimes her own are dispatched.
"
"in svalbard, we loved to take walks
among dovekies, the tiniest auks.
these chattering birds
often muffled our words,
and enchantment transcended our talks.
"
"keep her out, screen my calls, i should can her!
don't know why she takes on in that manner.
so i mentioned her name;
it's all part of the game,
and her headline's a deck, not a banner.
"
"what finished those giant reptilians ?
those hundreds and hundreds of millions?
long ago, yucat?n:
fluke event, not a plan,
but an impact that killed in the billions.
"
"a voice is a face to the blind,
and i know hers: so soft and refined.
i'm so glad that she came,
but i can't place her name.
i've been struggling to call it to mind.
"
"this district grows worse all the time.
it's a breeding ground, hotbed for crime.
no more hanging about;
gotta get the hell out,
or they'll kill me, i swear, for a dime.
"
"are your women with milk? let them hide.
the cu sidh looks to catch them outside.
this dog  of a fairy
is dark green and hairy,
and silent? yet won't be denied.
"
"you like snow caps? our andes are fine.
quito's churches are lovely, divine.
we've got deep jungle reaches,
gal?pagos, beaches.
we're the nation that's named for a line.
"
"when imagining fanciful things,
try to picture some buffalo wings.
then forget flying beasts
and think fried chicken feasts
cooked up spicy ? one's appetite sings.
"
"for a place that impressed jacques cousteau,
visit cocos and take in the show.
it's a park not just rife
with a medley of life.
it's pristine, a dynamic tableau.
"
"these reports sound like one more charade:
""your bill's ready, but not yet okayed.""
more amendments to add?
these procedures are sad.
""its enactment's been somewhat delayed.""
"
"i'd been struggling; i'd put up with crap?
had to scuffle for bucks; had to scrap.
then a deal came along
just as sweet as a song.
it came easy, just dropped in my lap.
"
"we could charter a limo through dealey,
park by bundy's, get all touchy-feely.
some old cruise? obsolete!
dark tourism's neat:
is there pleasure in horror? yes, really.
"
"from his youth in boulogne, he displayed
love for study, then joined the crusade.
when baldwin the first
bought christ's foreskin, his thirst
for a relic was slaked ? or betrayed.
"
"that's a sound made alveolarly, fool.
if your tongue's on your  choppers, you'll drool,
and most girls won't submit
to a chap laced with spit.
fix your diction, go practice, retool.
"
"""it's accursed!"" he cries, quite histrionic.
""i abjure art that's not aniconic.
human forms in the arts?
thus idolatry starts.""
his demeanor decays to demonic.
"
"all i said was, ""are you on the rag?""
never meant to insult the old hag.
then her nose sort of twitched;
i'm ensorcelled, bewitched.
how that bitch made me itch! what a slag!
"
"in an orchestra two (sometimes three)
clarinetists are needed, like me.
i'm elated, i swear,
to be named second chair.
to be first, though ? how great that would be.
"
"no, she'd never tie throggbottom down,
that wild, irrepressible clown.
now i'm downright appalled:
throgg's completely enthralled.
she's enslaved him; he's learning to frown.
"
"the warrior's blessed and confessed.
he's armored, yet feels under-dressed.
though mailed, he's afraid,
for his cuirie's mislaid ?
that's the hard leather shield for his breast.
"
"okie farms are bone dry and distressed;
uncle sam's overburdened, depressed.
from the dust bowl they stream,
and they dream of a dream;
hungry farmers move west of the west.
"
"when i said, ""for my laundry: damp-dried,""
she looked up, mumbled, ""nut-case,"" but tried.
then, ""damp-dry!"" she rejoiced?
""on the dry side of moist.
what's the next 'little test' for your bride?""
"
"no dishonor's deserved, no disgrace
in that tenderness worn on your face.
too many are burned
by a love unreturned,
though in this instance, that's not the case.
"
"i'm dead bored, but the snow is still blowing;
i'll change off from my knitting to sewing.
either one's not much fun.
oh, for days full of sun?
and lumbago from hoeing and mowing!
"
"chappaquiddick: that infamous place,
where ted kennedy failed in disgrace,
left a woman to drown
and then swam back to town?
didn't bother reporting the case.
"
"while he's finding new battles to wage,
he's a wellspring of infinite rage.
his sweet wife just endures,
and her shrug reassures:
we should charge it, she says, to old age.
"
"when saddam marched right into kuwait,
there soon followed a u.n. debate.
before long: desert storm,
but support was lukewarm
and the war was a bitch to abate.
"
"are you feeling as safe on your street
with the new crop of cops on the beat?
if there's nowhere to hide,
insecure and untried,
more than likely they'll beat a retreat.
"
"that's my ceo's face on my shield,
so my bootlicking's bold, unconcealed:
gave the bloated old thief
the top spot, in the chief.
my return? when his will is revealed.
"
"they released him to me; he's my son,
but he's skipped. now the jerk's on the run.
fifteen hours at large,
but still he's my charge.
i'm responsible; what have i done?
"
"i just wish the whole world understood:
biological diversity's good.
folks from spain to siberia
would destroy all bacteria.
but if germs could eat cancers, they should.
"
"a cook's knowledge needs frequent refining,
like food acquires flavor through brining.
soaking meats in solutions
adds real contributions
and may soften them prior to dining.
"
"direct-dial your long-distance call;
there's no contact with humans at all.
no more cryptic translations
to phone your relations
in rabat, 	culiac?n or st. paul.
"
"draped in flags, tightly packed, in the zone,
as a unit, they'll get up or groan.
the olympics are here:
for their nations they cheer,
chauvinistically backing their own.
"
"in spite of her tight reputation,
the old broad makes a lavish donation.
she's the big-hearted kind,
once she's made up her mind.
just relax; it's a slow operation.
"
"even gofers, we felt, should be smart,
every aide kept informed from the start.
as we shared the same goals,
there were no minor roles,
and each bit player played a real part.
"
"so that one's her bridegroom-elect?
i suppose it's too late to object.
he's in line to be kin,
though that's not quite locked in.
is he rich? with that face, i suspect.
"
"the man's end's undeniably near,
yet his visage shows calmness, not fear.
he's gone numb, we've no doubt,
for his gut's pushing out,
with his entrails transfixed by a spear.
"
"this town's profligate, sinful to some,
'cause whatever you do, we'll stay mum.
we're your babylon, mac,
so fly in and unpack.
here, temptation's not fought; we succumb.
"
"the first interview's mine ? what a coup!
i'm not shocked; it was long overdue.
it's not just the commission ?
i've arrived. recognition
is mine, if i just follow through.
"
"his temper's stretched taut at the seams;
shattered sleep is confounded by screams.
formless visions, vague fears
were the salt in his tears,
amorphously haunting his dreams.
"
"got my bar, mom; that means i'm commissioned?
bought my class a's; my gear's requisitioned.
i'm an officer now,
though i'm not sure quite how:
made lieutenant, and never auditioned.
"
"my family background explains me,
enables, yet sometimes constrains me.
i'm my own, yet a part.
in my bones and my heart,
a sense of belonging sustains me.
"
"just at moonrise we pause, in suspension,
as the glow on the snow eases tension:
""may i ask your indulgence?
the moon's cool effulgence
beguiles me; it's worthy of mention.""
"
"that huge breaker is topped by a comb,
spilling forward in curtains of foam.
the waves ceaselessly break
and leave change in their wake.
the shore's lovely? but not for my home.
"
"i just drank, couldn't stop, stole to pay,
till her strength chased my demons away.
sure she nags?she's a wife?
she's my ""trouble and strife,""
and she's why i can stand here today.
"
"as i tipsily grope for my drink,
i'm off-balance, opponents may think.
i employ drunken fist:
martial art with a twist
that i've trained in for years? i still stink.
"
"it's our lifeblood, this old mom-and-pop,
but that burglary? over-the-top.
nothing's left to restart,
'cause they tore us apart:
overnight someone cleaned out our shop.
"
"when your cat ate my gymsuit, you let her.
she resents me; i've known since i met her.
but the very last straw?
you cracked up when you saw
the damn beast claw a hole in my sweater.
"
"today's clash was a bloody one, clearly;
both sides in the battle paid dearly.
will they ever be able,
at the bargaining table,
to talk to each other sincerely?
"
"that last dinner was money well spent,
and perhaps they're about to relent.
for mom and dad's blessing
at last, i'm progressing.
i'm desperate to cinch their consent.
"
"he writes eclogues, verse set in the leas,
 in which shepherds converse at their ease.
unworldly? perforce,
and bucolic, of course;
read his eclogues. start checking for fleas.
"
"at the mountains, they jettisoned loot;
that great chain blocked the emigrants' route.
wagons groaned with the weight;
they'd packed far too much freight.
now the passes were snow-bound, to boot.
"
"we showed up at my buddy's new flat?
twice the size of my welcoming mat.
i'd just managed to park us,
then dropped my great carcass
on something. i owe him a cat.
"
"cape of storms sailors call it at first.
oceans meet there and show them their worst.
but they learn how to cope;
it's re-christened good hope,
in a land that's both favored and cursed.
"
"our new program's not catch-as-catch-can,
but a carefully calibrated plan:
it's both lifestyle and diet,
fully tested?just try it.
we'll transform you; you'll be a new man.
"
"'twas a difficult case for the doc
at a cabstand in slippery rock:
""what's this wheeling and dealing?
it's quite unappealing.""
""it's our dickering hackery, doc.""
"
"we're a-settin' around, chunkin' stones,
and a-ponderin' life's great unknowns,
like why's throwin' this stuff
to hit frogs so dang tough?
and the wonders of emmaline jones.
"
"there's a bill on the floor for debate.
if it carries, the costs will be great.
our taxes will double;
we'll all be in trouble.
they should kill it: for once, get it straight.
"
"assertive, when speaking of spice,
means a soup?on will surely suffice,
adding zest to your dish,
whether pasta or fish.
""less is more"" is the perfect advice.
"
"the old engine careened down the track,
sooty smoke streaking out of its stack,
ever reeling and juddering,
passengers shuddering
in carriages jouncing in back.
"
"they've assigned me to ""office esprit"";
i do gossip?confirmed designee.
it's my job just to schmooze,
then to circulate news.
and for this, i'm collecting a fee?
"
"ipanema's the home of the thong;
pack a couple, you'll want to belong.
leave behind all convention?
you'll adore the attention.
correct me, my dear, if i'm wrong.
"
"santa, mom needs a coat and a toaster.
for me, santa, please send a coaster.
on my sled i'd let go,
swiftly slide through the snow?
but do mom first: our top turkey roaster.
"
"we cleaned up, but i guess not enough,
'cause the wife just blew in, in a huff.
when she's red like that, fuming,
her storm clouds are looming.
boys, brace yourselves; this could get rough.
"
"""easy does it,"" she says. ""take it slow,
or you'll hurt yourselves. trust me, i know.""
""listen, lady, you're sweet?
settle down, rest your feet.
we've moved steinways before. watch the show!""
"
"each year we indifferently gather
for dull food, exhibitions and blather.
my future intention's
to skip these conventions.
why not read the synopsis? i'd rather.
"
"continuity's what i'm about,
so i reconcile ""cut!"" with start out:
actors' hair, time of day,
every prop on display.
mine's a film job with rank but no clout.
"
"educationalists pick at our schools,
test new theories and play with new ""tools.""
their results are foregone:
programs fail; they move on.
and new experts get hired, with new rules.
"
"bottom line: mom resembled a manatee,
so my truths were a gall to her vanity.
i've been scrubbed from her will?
that's a hard, bitter pill!
as contestant, i challenge her sanity.
"
"says our town's anti-nuke pamphleteer:
""any time, now, disaster is near:
the reactor protection's
been failing inspections;
the containment's degrading, i fear.""
"
"we routinely crop certain dogs' ears;
it's a practice engaged in for years.
cut short's better in fights
(there's no dog bill of rights),
and accepted by most of their peers.
"
"we sell dry goods, ma'am; please take our card,
and our specialty's cloth by the yard.
you'd buy calicos? tweeds?
we stock everyone's needs,
all supplied with our greatest regard.
"
"i enjoy looking back, reminiscing:
puppy love seemed enough, nothing missing.
now my life's in full swing,
and i love the real thing,
but i still get a charge out of kissing.
"
"with my barber, i have a routine:
""cut it close, extra short, no machine.""
and we chatter?our theme
is our favorite team,
as i page through a men's magazine.
"
"before running, i stopped for a drink;
there was crap in the trap of my sink.
so i canceled my jog
while i dealt with the clog:
putrefaction?one hell of a stink.
"
"his command of the court's not in doubt;
it's a clinic each time he goes out.
you will never forget
his great play at the net.
he's what tennis today is about.
"
"first the highway climbed steeply for miles,
then the fog killed the last of our smiles.
but at last, the descent,
an unnerving event:
the bus shimmied; we hurled in the aisles.
"
"there's a climate of change around here.
with the clubbiness lost, nothing's clear.
there's an aura of doubt;
those who can will bail out.
as for me, i'll hang tough, persevere.
"
"touching hands, there we'd walk after school?
bowered paths, unattended and cool.
in that dark, leafy setting,
we learned about petting.
things seemed safer those days?as a rule.
"
"when i clerked at the high court last week,
i was awed by its ancient mystique.
then, impressed with myself,
i slipped files from a shelf.
call a plumber; the court's sprung a leak!
"
"fine art paper, coated and bright ?
try our glossies or mattes; choose what's right.
presentations with style?
better grades are worthwhile,
and our cottons cause love at first sight.
"
"god's elect should be pretty darn sure
that their souls are untainted and pure,
that their predestination
means certain salvation.
who's elect? god's released no brochure.
"
"think you'll pass me? you're out of your mind.
just accept that i've won; be resigned.
you're a loser, a bust.
you've been eating my dust
all along ? man, you're so far behind.
"
"the junior appointment at state
is a yalie, about twenty-eight.
i've been doing some reasoning:
she's new, and needs seasoning.
i'll just have to keep her up late.
"
"i don't care which politicos quote it;
it's bogus, we'd never promote it.
though you try to assure
us the source is obscure?
it's still copied. you can't claim you wrote it.
"
"he loses his head when she's late?
fifteen minutes, the man's in a state.
his interest's parental
and pure, elemental:
""i've a right to be angry?i rate.""
"
"a great galleon, yet light on his feet,
the old burgher sailed in off the street.
for his aldermanly girth,
patrons left a broad berth,
where he anchored his favorite seat.
"
"your coin's circulated, see? it shows wear:
there are edge nicks and scratches right there.
and the mint mark's unclear?
hurts the value, i fear.
fetch top dollar? you haven't a prayer.
"
"what a strange new device his flag bore,
fresh-embroidered, not seen there before:
a blood-red ball and chain.
the allusion was plain:
""this one's taken."" they all knew the score.
"
"you trade silks? a great journey awaits.
use our entrepot out by the straits.
there's no tariff, no tax;
you can trust us. relax.
we'll transship at competitive rates.
"
"it's commensurately scant compensation
for the scant time you spend at your station.
why so shocked and dismayed?
you produce, then you're paid.
you want more? what's your justification?
"
"our endowment's alumni-sustained:
while they're here, they're administratively trained,
then they head out and run things,
from prisons to fun things.
our coffers are bolstered, not drained.
"
"where my walk meets my lawn, it's precise,
'cause my edger's a clever device.
it cuts a sharp border;
my yard's in good order.
trimming three times a week should suffice.
"
"""hey, that ostrich-bird's mangled my butt!
take a look; i'm not some kind of nut.""
""not at all ? it would seem you
were kicked by an emu.
lie still, while i sew the gash shut.""
"
"as two tablets dissolve, effervesce,
their loud fizzing just adds to my stress.
one day i'm in clover;
the next, i'm hungover.
bubbles burst: time to pause, reassess.
"
"she was lovely ? all dimples and curves;
i was shy ? had to settle my nerves.
then, one day, she strolled by,
caught some other guy's eye.
guess tomorrow, i'll join the reserves.
"
"expertise at his craft became clear
as our carpenter capped his career,
using exquisite grain
(always hard to obtain)
and selections of choice crotch veneer.
"
"when each overture fizzled and died,
i felt snubbed, and just withered inside.
i'm embittered, gone cold?
my next act must be bold.
may my targets find nowhere to hide.
"
"my computer's shut down: one more crash,
so i'm chucking the damned piece of trash.
gonna build it a pyre,
melt it down in the fire?
i'll dispose of the pain in the ash.
"
"we were cut from the same cloth, they say.
we're alike, but precisely? no way.
in matters of taste,
i'm the diamond; she's paste:
she loves pasta, and pasta's pass?.
"
"he's an oddity here at the beach,
who the grommets refer to as ""teach.""
every sentence is sick;
man, this hodad is slick,
and anomalously proper in speech.
"
"she hasn't the brains of a gnat.
she's horse-faced, ungainly and flat.
but she sprints like a cheetah;
no one here's gonna beat her,
and i'd bet my bottom dollar on that.
"
"what's been scripted the guy keeps revising
at his desk; that's not new or surprising.
but while reading the news,
he's been airing his views.
and that's pure editorializing.
"
"sure she knows how to dress, but the catch is
her whole wardrobe's presorted, in batches,
so it's easy to choose
what to wear; she can't lose.
they're coordinates: everything matches.
"
"let me cradle my son once again;
let me hold him and rock him, and then
take him home, if you must.
unto dust i entrust
his remains, just a month short of ten.
"
"hey, boss, there's no question i'm ready:
all these years, i've put in for you ? steady.
same old same old? you'll lose me;
promote, don't just use me.
going nowhere, i'm trapped in an eddy.
"
"she buys wholesale, at huge cash-and-carries:
case of that, sacks of this?never varies.
and her dating's the same:
bulk's the name of her game.
polyandry's for her? if she marries.
"
"my new aerie's delightful, it's true,
with its dawn-greeting easterly view.
as a day gathers steam,
i look out at a dream:
golden sunbeams and glistening dew.
"
"mark twain used precision and care
to choose phrasing that sparkled with flair.
now his works are enjoyed
for the language employed ?
words are tools, and such craftsmen are rare.
"
"when the rains came, we sloshed and canoed.
then our sewers backed up ? we were screwed:
feces flowed in the streets;
sludge and muck messed our sheets.
our sweet brook turned from babbling to rude.
"
"with a project to get off the ground,
we'd been batting suggestions around:
that should work, but this couldn't.
though she'll join us, he wouldn't.
in the end, only roadblocks were found.
"
"he's incomprehensibly deep,
and it threatens to put us to sleep.
clear your throat, maybe ? cough.
if you don't choke him off,
he'll keep droning. he's conjuring sheep.
"
"it's been windy; the lake water's rough.
i feel sick. this one's gonna be tough.
i've been rowing nonstop,
but i can't fight the chop.
about now, any landing's enough.
"
"""lost your claim check? good luck with your coat,""
said the girl, with a devilish note.
""that just isn't cricket!
it's gone, the damned ticket.""
""so's your coat, sir?i'll try not to gloat.""
"
"the dried cockatoo tongues were in stock,
but no sea turtle lungs or canned croc!
gourmet catalogs fill us
with stuff that could kill us,
then bill us. right now we're in hock.
"
"look at you, you're all bubbly and cheery,
when you're usually lifeless and weary.
so ebullient today ?
effervescent, but, hey,
as a rule, you're insipid and dreary.
"
"sure you've no chance to win? then break clean.
(you left schoolyards behind at fifteen.)
instead, you throw mud
till, i swear, you draw blood,
and create an avoidable scene.
"
"he kept twitching and jerking his head;
charlie's sanity hung by a thread.
but he's finally calmed,
he's been boxed and embalmed ?
crossed the ultimate pond. now he's dead.
"
"dental fricatives: english has two,
so from birth, we learn just what to do.
whether ether or either,
we've problems with neither;
if you're foreign, that's not likely true.
"
"when a dry, bitter cold smote our ship,
giving substance to ""stiff upper lip,""
we set sail against time.
neither snowstorm nor rime,
a black frost had our souls in its grip.
"
"in hockey, to score is elusive,
but one evening, some fans got abusive.
i focused my rage
and slapped two in the cage:
shut 'em up?my two goals proved conclusive.
"
"the buses are painfully slow;
we'll find taxis wherever we go;
we could walk through the park,
but it's lonely and dark,
so we're cabbing tonight to the show.
"
"i'm a dog groomer thrown for a loss:
he's the wiriest i've come across,
with his long, tangled hair
thick as cables, i swear.
he appears to be furred in black moss.
"
"all that wisdom, your honor, and schooling,
yet one look at my daughter ? you're drooling.
was i wrong to confine her?
men deny she's a minor.
i'm begging the bench for a ruling.
"
"i colored when i was a kid;
nothing calmed me as coloring did.
porky pig? prussian blue.
bugs in purple? can do.
would i choose that today? god forbid.
"
"i dig legos; i've loved them for years.
i told oprah ? bad choice, it appears:
by the case, by the bin,
they just keep pouring in.
i've got blocks coming out of my ears.
"
"she craves contact. from years in confinement,
she's now desperate for clinging entwinement.
she clings far too tightly,
and aches from it nightly:
her spine needs a lumbar alignment.
"
"i'm confused, as i'm sure you can guess.
i can't sleep for the worry and stress,
since i lost our first folio
and caused an embroglio?
a troublesome, turbulent mess!
"
"""adeste,"" we summon in song,
""fideles"": no doubters belong.
this caroling call
is familiar to all.
oh come, now ? don't tell me i'm wrong.
"
"at a cheese tasting held in killarney,
our new cheddar's aroma seemed barny:
reminiscent of hay.
wasn't much we could say,
so we blathered irrelevant blarney.
"
"why the hell should i answer to you?
you're a suck-up; this day's overdue.
sure, you're slick, but i'm tough;
it's about to turn rough,
so stand clear, 'cause i'm coming on through.
"
"they've arrived, the advance guard of sin,
and, like roaches, they're settling in.
easy call: clear them out;
don't be hamstrung by doubt.
once they're bounced, we can handle the spin.
"
"some bakers like bread to have shine:
dull loaves just won't sell, they opine.
so they're brushed, before baking,
with an egg wash, thus making
a gloss, so some health-nuts decline.
"
"an echelon's step-like formation
overlaps to reject penetration.
troops hold rank, row on row:
a dispiriting show.
it's a marvelous martial creation.
"
"i buy birds in the colors of booze;
combinations affect how i choose.
my latest's a parrot:
chartreuse and deep claret?
grand drinks and such contrasting hues.
"
"brother dom takes hot meals to the poor;
tender daisy's half-dressed at the door.
she claps eyes on this hunk
and forgets he's a monk.
now, alas, the hot meal's on the floor.
"
"after this bout, don't call me ""obscure,""
'cause as victor, my name will endure.
touts declared, ""you can't take him.""
i promised i'd break him.
now my claim to the title's secure.
"
"the uncommon ones rise to our needs?
humble heroes effecting great deeds.
this plaque's for the one
who rescued my son:
""citation for valor,"" it reads.
"
"the crowd moaned, as the loathsome one led,
then stood tall as their greek pulled ahead.
with their spirit restored,
that vast stadium roared.
round the circus the chariots sped.
"
"they're beauties, my mom and old man,
so i'll visit as long as i can:
i'll just camp in the den,
tell them, ""guys, just say when.""
that's the good old american plan.
"
"my wife's lovely and lively: a catch,
and it seems we're a pretty close match.
but i've just met her sister
(kind of sorry i'd missed her),
who might be the pick of the batch.
"
"i love road trips, and i'm a survivor.
i believe i'm a true defensive driver.
i stay present, keep cool,
heed the ""two-second rule,""
and when tired, i'm a stop-and-take-fiver.
"
"best advice? i'd stay out of her way.
she debuts tonight: boston ballet.
let her weep, rant and vent;
it's forbearance well spent.
she's consumed with excitement today.
"
"her enticements i couldn't resist.
ensorceled the moment we kissed,
enslaved by her beauty?
to her, i'm but booty:
a conquest to add to her list.
"
"here's smooth layer on layer of shale,
then it's bumpy, restarts?there's the tale:
it's a discontinuity.
this rock incongruity
provides data too sound to assail.
"
"concealed weaponry's tough to detect;
every part of your person is checked:
we've found spring-loaded guns
and explosive-clad buns,
so we probe and explore and inspect.
"
"the play's leads flubbed their lines, had a fight.
then the ingenue froze out of fright
(we'd all known they'd miscast her).
one more broadway disaster:
we closed after opening night.
"
"""what the hell's economic geology?""
""i suppose the reverse of ecology.""
""first exploring the earth, right?
then exploiting our birthright.""
""quite so, and with modern technology.""
"
"this communion you've had with the dead
seems convincing. it fills me with dread.
what the hell have you started?
don't schmooze the departed!
i'm afraid you're in over your head.
"
"in my novels, the plot serves a vision;
at its crux comes a crucial decision.
once all conflicts are clear,
the climax draws near:
it's a stressful internal collision.
"
"dead hungry one hot afternoon,
we pull into the first greasy spoon.
before long, my gut's turning,
flip-flopping and churning.
""let's locate a rest stop?and soon!""
"
"if there's trouble, he's causing his share,
but you can't get him out of your hair.
at the company feast,
where you need him the least:
a bad penny will surely be there.
"
"it's usually lengthy indeed
and complex?one may need a re-read.
it's a way to connect
to the soul of a sect:
a confession of faith is a creed.
"
"bougainville, mussau, rabaul:
all were targets, the big and the small.
reduce them, then break them,
by all means retake them?
the bismarcks, or sydney will fall.
"
"""listen, sparks, we've got enemy near;
what you send's not for anyone's ear.
which is why,"" he exploded,
""all signals are coded!""
turns out one was broadcast in clear.
"
"rotten raw scores that came as no shock:
she should certainly flunk the whole flock,
'cause that's what we deserve.
but she grades on a curve,
and compared to the morons, i rock.
"
"lost composure and just blew your stack?
then regain it; don't give him the sack.
settle up, and with style:
let him sweat for a while.
first collect yourself, then get him back.
"
"central asia's the place of my birth.
its farms tell you much of its worth,
with rich chernozem soil,
as dark as crude oil ?
it's the region, they say, of black earth.
"
"for the potter, a long rope of clay
is basic, not simply for play.
she builds this coil up,
shapes a vase, pot or cup
that's then textured and fired for display.
"
"my bucket hat scatters the rain,
holds my lures and helps cool off my brain.
if you don't know what flies are,
i'll know where your eyes are:
my chapeau might be tough to explain.
"
"because pavement and lawns shouldn't meet,
the town's finally curbing our street.
hard to pose as high class
when folks park on your grass.
their decision, at last, is concrete.
"
"hey, your four-lane's shut tight up ahead;
pull 'em over, peel off or you're dead.
breaker, breaker, one-nine:
let me in on this line,
or tonight your big rig is your bed.
"
"i'm knocked out by a girl at the pool
who's been blessed with, i'd say, every tool:
killer face (big brown eyes),
killer bod (oh, those thighs),
and a smile that could bring down a mule.
"
"we're cutting you loose; you know why:
you've given our firm a black eye.
keeping peace with our clients
takes tact and some science,
not shouting, ""go somewhere and die.""
"
"this tire's bald?could mean trouble ahead,
because nothing remains of the tread.
if it blows at high speeds,
you'll spin out in the weeds,
with results perhaps best left unsaid.
"
"she's ""old ironsides"", battle-tried ship,
now well-berthed in her comfortable slip:
uss constitution
made a great contribution.
she's at rest, but retired? bite your lip!
"
"we decided to curtain our bed.
now it's draped in translucent rose red?
a nice color, in theory,
but the morning light's eerie?
should've chosen white netting instead.
"
"here's a talent i learned after school:
how to bank off the cushions in pool,
beat my blocked-shot travails
with those rubberized rails,
and stay confident, crafty? and cool.
"
"it's summer stock night by the lake;
i've got tickets and someone to take.
just a short drive upstate,
so we shouldn't come late.
we've an 8:30 curtain to make.
"
"that old hulk would look great in my yard:
a de soto with fins, driven hard.
but a certified check
wouldn't buy the old wreck.
it took cash; the guy laughed at my card.
"
"my club has most liberal views?
seems it's prospered by breaking taboos,
and its hedonist climate
means every damn time it
makes news, it increases its dues.
"
"summer sounds at the ballpark are sweet:
barking vendors and cheers from each seat.
then the crack of the bat
leaves all other sounds flat.
that sharp thwack brings the crowd to its feet.
"
"in pieces she came to our shore,
to her spot by the great ""golden door.""
once on site and emplaced,
she was quickly embraced ?
her promise too firm to ignore.
"
"this sample that betty's presented
contains pebbles in matrix cemented:
sedimentary rock,
chipped off an old block?
this conglomerate nature invented.
"
"there are three counts of rape on his sheet.
don't release him; he's sure to repeat.
on parole, he'd persist,
and add more to his list,
unencumbered and back on the street.
"
"it's the principal's hard and fast rule:
we must not wear gang colors in school.
no bandanas, no caps,
so it's all under wraps?
gang boxers and tats are way cool.
"
"that preacher's one son-of-a bitch,
using words to seduce and get rich.
he's a real elmer gantry:
a rat in the pantry.
but he's sure got one hell of a pitch.
"
"the old botanist, losing his grip,
offered leaf lectures all through our trip.
leaves are simple and round;
or they're pinnate, compound;
or emarginate: notched at the tip.
"
"always dealing in tension and sleaze,
i just booked, seeking freshness and ease.
i've upgraded my life
with a conch for my wife:
my bahamian doll in the keys.
"
"get yer arses in gear, lads, get cracking.
i won't 'alf send the lot o' yer packing.
though our sales are declining,
toffs' boots still need shining.
to work, boys, there's orders for blacking.
"
"i'm a commonplace, average joe,
and i ask what ""just folks"" want to know.
blow your top, walk away?
won't affect what i say.
major outlets still carry my show.
"
"he slid safely, stood quickly, and, yup,
right on camera adjusted his cup.
julie couldn't but watch
as he yanked at his crotch.
she was spellbound, in fact?ate it up.
"
"at the pool club, they've boosted my dues
just to upgrade the shuffleboard cues.
""lighter stick, smoother swivel""?
someone bought all that drivel.
it's an add-on?no way to refuse.
"
"you want wisdom? he'll gladly bestow it.
he's facile: he speaks like a poet.
but the common belief?
he's a cunning old thief
who will rob you, though you'll never know it.
"
"our divertissement's chosen for you:
works our dancers are longing to do,
each one short and amusing
(keeps the hubbies from snoozing),
and each with a fresh point of view.
"
"""a cricket turns runoff aside,
helps your chimney take cloudbursts in stride.
downward flow is deflected
around?redirected.""
""then add one."" (the roofer complied.)
"
"all the cultivated guests at a tea,
swapping witty and chic repartee,
so polite, turned away
from one deb's rude display,
excepting uncultured old me.
"
"from bushwick to flatlands to coney,
often rough, but don't label it ""phony""?
spike lee named it ""crooklyn,""
but to most, it's just brooklyn.
nevuh hoid it? ya fulla baloney!
"
"she's coding! quick, call for the cart;
the paddles might jump-start her heart.
then pray for the best?
she's so young to arrest,
and it's massive; it's well off the chart.
"
"i don't crave macedonian lamb.
when you cook for me, keep it bonne femme,
'cause it's simple and plain ?
that's how god made the rain.
how prosaic? well, that's what i am.
"
"build a pipeline? no way ? it'll leak.
she wears fibers, 'cause leather's not chic.
and her glare of reproach
when i murdered that roach?
she's a humorless, firm eco freak.
"
"when, each morning, my workload deflates me,
consuetudinary greeting awaits me:
hot coffee, warm smile,
routinely, with style.
but i'm sure every manager hates me.
"
"some bearings emblazon our shield:
a bend sinister crosses the field
twixt an armor-clad knee
and a large silver key.
thus our clan's checkered past is revealed.
"
"concavities dappled his face,
left by acne, a rather bad case.
though we dubbed him ""judd crater""
he wasn't a hater.
instead, he showed humor and grace.
"
"no capsules: i choke and get queasy.
find pills that dissolve, and i'm easy?
some disintegrable med
that won't mess with my head.
help me quick, doc. i'm dopey and sneezy.
"
"boston latin's a school with tradition?
one reason kids long for admission.
the curriculum's hard,
but next stop's harvard yard,
and at latin they ask no tuition.
"
"when limos roll up, she'll be there,
with her emulously envious stare.
oh, to live like a star:
trendy threads, flashy car,
and adored. but the world isn't fair.
"
"treated roughly, then stashed and ignored,
she needs loving, this model t ford.
i'll step up to the plate
and revive the old crate.
i won't rest till she's fully restored.
"
"when expecting a hard, bumpy trip,
wooden boxing's the best way to ship.
so i'm crating my treasures
(the most prudent of measures).
but these freight rates?my husband will flip!
"
"party leadership's known for excelling?
their procedures long-proven, compelling:
aligning all factions
with back room transactions,
but the texas contingent's rebelling.
"
"due considerance, sir's what we ask:
a few shillings, some mutton, a cask.
ain't it comin' our way
after drudgin' all day?
think it over; we're done wit' your task.
"
"an emergency medical technician
responds quickly, before a physician.
his rapid arrival
often impacts survival.
he's a man on a critical mission.
"
"no support, no respect ? there's a cost:
once he taught and was loved; now he's lost.
just this burnout remains
of his passions and pains,
and those insults, attacks ? he'll be tossed.
"
"passers-by turned away in disgust
as she gummed at the stale, darkened crust.
clearly famished, she fed
on the trashed hunk of bread.
feral humans are forced to adjust.
"
"in late autumn came grandpa's advice:
""don't be fooled by that thin crust of ice.
'cause it ain't gonna hold,
and that pond water's cold.""
i knew better? and paid a stiff price.
"
"this here's dogpatch, of yokum renown,
prototypical hillbilly town.
kinda hatched by al capp,
sorter slides round the map?
it's hwar daisy cain't pin abner down.
"
"my home's in east georgia?savannah,
yet my passion is edwardiana:
that's attire post-victoria.
i haunt clothing emporia
calcutta to copacabana.
"
"he's just dumped her with everyone there;
so public it's too much to bear.
she's left shaken and crushed.
conversation grows hushed?
one more life left in sad disrepair.
"
"please recognize what has occurred:
his control on your world is absurd.
though at first just your teacher,
he's made you his creature,
dependent on his every word.
"
"that's a creeper: his plumage, reserved,
and his beak is turned down or decurved.
scouring trees at the park,
he pries bugs from their bark.
yummy grubs in this crack: dinner's served.
"
"trade in ivory's widely restricted,
with eburnean goods interdicted.
still, for credulous asses,
one more elephant passes.
the poachers are rarely convicted.
"
"there's a cliff by a steep mountain curve
where the view causes drivers to swerve.
to avoid a sad end
at this breathtaking bend,
pull over, step out, then observe.
"
"shooting trophies comes easy, indeed;
lazy hunters get all that they need.
countless killings await;
daily bags will be great.
at the game ranch, it's all guaranteed.
"
"slowly stretching at stress points, like these,
my best work clothes adopt by degrees.
the weave loosens at points,
as at big, bony joints?
these are comfortably bagged at the knees.
"
"academically, he's but a crewman,
an apprentice, a true catechumen.
if it's not over-reaching,
his dreams are of teaching,
but his workload, for now, is inhuman.
"
"as i lie in the dark and unwind,
present hopes become sharply defined.
i'm at last reassured
that today we were cured.
each sweet moment comes back to my mind.
"
"while the bonus you've offered him's fine,
and a tempting enticement to sign,
if he's benched and ignored
once you've lured him on board,
he may wither, i fear, on the vine.
"
"pictorial stamp cancellation:
what a strange philatelic fixation!
it's a flag or a goose,
or it's bullwinkle moose
recalled with a graphic ovation.
"
"he keeps floating along with his crowd;
deviation is never allowed.
now lethargic, now swift,
with its current he'll drift,
and wherever it takes him, he's proud.
"
"on her countenance, everything sags,
upper cheeks given over to bags?
sort of wrinkled and loose.
hubby heaps on abuse,
so, for vengeance, she ceaselessly nags.
"
"what the interstates crisscross today
once were barriers blocking the way.
oxen dragged through high passes
at the speed of molasses
to desert, distress and dismay.
"
"she's high-tech and well-armed, and she's sleek.
her commissioning's early next week.
this american beauty
will soon be on duty
securing the seas for the meek.
"
"that's no diamond; they scammed you?that's rough;
california has loads of the stuff.
it's colemanite, moron,
a prime source of boron.
take my word; i'm a death valley buff.
"
"though her beauty inspires devotion,
she's fathomless, cool as the ocean?
squally-wild or genteel.
not a snatch of her's real,
as she counterfeits every emotion.
"
"tracking trends, we lay bare the concealed,
and through language our culture's revealed.
terms may flourish and spread;
others quickly drop dead:
culturomics, a word-counting field.
"
"there's a chance that he's fractured his neck,
a cervical vertebra. check
for numbness and pain.
keep him stable; constrain
him right there on his back on your deck.
"
"chocolate-coat them; they'll sell by the ton.
label ""limited""?double the fun.
they'll seduce, just like booze;
dubbed ""enrobed,"" they can't lose.
but you can't leave them out in the sun.
"
"gorgeous view! all were fully enthralled.
cousin jethro peered 'round us and drawled,
""look, this peak's been swept clean,
not a tree to be seen?
to us locals, this mountain's a bald.""
"
"she faked sick once; you felt like a fool,
but this wheezing and coughing ? not cool.
it's no act just to dupe us.
she's critically croupous.
she needs treatment; don't send her to school.
"
"great speech, sir, i'm sure all were stirred.
all the honors have now been conferred.
splendid words and bouquets,
but you promised a raise:
time to show you're as good as your word.
"
"my son brings his friends up to date,
introduces the family slate:
""the nice lady's my mother,
and that's my big brother.""
big, in this case: age six, three-foot-eight.
"
"this architect's crowning creation,
when seen in this great elevation,
is a work of perfection.
from any direction,
it's splendid, from dome to foundation.
"
"i'd compare you with summertime rain.
you're both moist, but i wouldn't complain.
with moods hard to confine:
though  you rumble, you shine?
now pounding, now soft and mundane.
"
"packed in sawdust, so nothing should chip,
all our glassware's in casks on the ship.
our bone china's stowed, too.
clipper's laded; we're through.
treasures barreled, we're set for the trip.
"
"epicurean tastes are expensive:
i want wine lists refined and extensive,
and i've always resented
meals poorly presented.
food lifelessly served is offensive.
"
"thus wrote gilbert: ""oh, bother the flowers?""
pester tulips? beyond human powers.
what he meant was, ""to hell with 'em.""
my advice: ""spend a spell with 'em.
settle down and enjoy them for hours.""
"
"hung with curtains of fast-melting ice
is this road cut through dark banded gneiss?
metamorphically made,
now cut through and displayed.
speeding drivers pass by in a trice.
"
"folks feel heavy from bagels. instead,
we'll go crunchy and small with our bread,
adding fruit trays and wine?
it all falls into line.
buy some bagel chips; i'll make a spread.
"
"that big shipment can start our boutique,
and the balance arrives late next week.
tribeca's next thing
has today taken wing,
clientele lining up as we speak.
"
"i cook dishes with rice as a base,
some so spicy they'll crimson your face.
suffused with great flavor,
rice works in my favor.
supportive, my rice knows its place.
"
"belligerently primed for a fight,
all awaited the first streaks of light.
before dawn came the thunder;
hostile hearts filled with wonder:
were the gods crossing swords out of sight?
"
"she's a casual, passing on through,
in her backpack's a trick? maybe two.
she won't pause here to spawn.
before long, she'll move on.
have your fun, son; you're long overdue.
"
"we'll rely on economy of scale:
produce more, boost our profit per sale,
exploit market voracity,
expand our capacity,
move the product at stores and by mail.
"
"paul poops parties; his temperament's poor:
starts to gripe when he steps through the door,
with his carps and complaints
unrepressed by restraints?
he's the pleasure-polluter du jour.
"
"with reluctance, i chinned the old strad,
a great legacy left by my dad.
then i started to play,
and my doubts fell away.
guess we fit; we're not sounding half bad.
"
"my cringe was a hard thing to hide
when i caught cousin kurt with ben's bride.
shivers ran through my skin;
i drew back, turtled in,
shut my eyes and slipped slowly outside.
"
"a dutch angle horizon's not true,
out of kilter and shot upward too?
say from under a desk?
it's distorted, grotesque.
and we sense something weird will ensue.
"
"one more lie, frank, you're right back in jail.
our procedure's ideal; it can't fail:
this elective brain surgery
terminates perjury?
what's the matter, big frank? you look pale.
"
"in her library, minnie found peace
when consumed by the cultures of greece.
but those great ways have left;
she's confused and bereft,
so she turns to her cups for surcease.
"
"please list all of his contacts this week,
and discreetly, please?don't let this leak.
though your husband's contagious,
you must be courageous:
containment's the goal that we seek.
"
"will my gardens spring back and endure?
many potherbs sprout blossoms, mature.
like some dry, bitter weed,
they'll soon bolt: go to seed ?
next year's herbs for our table secure.
"
"this diner food's more than all right,
but i'm large and their booth seats are tight.
guess the patrons seem cool,
so i'll climb on a stool.
i'll be served at the counter tonight.
"
"what a shame! twenty years on the job,
and this cop's on the pad for the mob.
would you look what he's done?
the poor fool ate his gun:
blew his head off. i pity the slob.
"
"something stirs me? there's nobody there;
still that scent fills the ambient air:
there's an aura around me.
has annabel found me?
have the angels at last heard my prayer?
"
"the craft service puts out the snacks,
bottled water and cold cuts in stacks.
so performers and crew
have their cake, eat it too,
while the dolly grips lay some more tracks.
"
"some folks take a broad view of things;
they accept what each day's sunrise brings:
what, new ""rejects"" next door?
sudanese civil war?
life goes on till the fat lady sings.
"
"in two seconds, a setting's erased.
with a clock wipe, the scene is replaced:
second hand sweeps around
and the film's on new ground?
gives a place change an odd, vintage taste.
"
"after hiding all day in plain sight,
markings masked by the play of the light,
he eats bugs or wee birds,
then cries three darkling words:
""chuck-will's-widow,"" he calls in the night.
"
"mount the tire, pump the air ? no big deal.
the bead pops and you're sure there's a seal;
fool pumps on, doesn't stop;
there's a boom!!! (not a pop).
damned mechanic: asleep at the wheel.
"
"rough-cut dailies are anxiously viewed
by directors, to learn where they're screwed:
the scene's playing too long,
and the chemistry's wrong.
they'll reshoot or come blithely unglued.
"
"gotham stoop: a girl weeps, uncontrolled;
snowy podunk: folks hustle through cold;
restless mob at a train:
break them up, cue the rain.
backlot crises are always controlled.
"
"with ambient, no tapping feet,
and no melody's there to repeat.
it's all atmosphere, mood,
written not to intrude.
it's pure background?subdued and discreet.
"
"did the keeper of eddystone light
hook a mermaid one dark cornish night?
did she give birth to three
on this rock in the sea?
if it's so, then the shanty is right.
"
"our dairy guy stocks all our juice,
and cold cuts and custards and mousse,
eggs, hummus and oleo?
an expanding portfolio.
you thought dairy means ""milk?"" silly goose!
"
"he dismounted and knelt in the field,
his fealty boldly revealed.
in the midst of the siege
shone the marks of his liege,
emblazoned in gold on his shield.
"
"""western europe's corrupt and decayed.
we've gone soft; evil's sure to invade.
and our ills are endemic,""
said his strident polemic,
""in our soil, in our souls?be afraid!""
"
"crew, that nudist's packed up; she's long gone.
back to business: it's time we sailed on.
steady, lad! even keel?
keep your hands on that wheel,
and first mate, kindly take the damned conn!
"
"""collaborationist!"" ? cries from the crowd,
""you're a turncoat, you snake! are you proud?
you fell under their spell;
now you'll go straight to hell.
a red flag's gonna serve as your shroud.""
"
"a brass ring's like a real pot o' gold
that says, ""grab me! be daring and bold.""
so i've had a few whacks,
slipped and fell through the cracks.
for the present, my gold is on hold.
"
"reminded of dates in my youth,
at a diner, i ask for a booth:
facing benches, a table?
my choice when i'm able?
diner counters attract the uncouth.
"
"his whole face, due to cicatrization,
seemed embossed with his tribe's variation:
long raised welts on the skin
from his pate to his chin,
like some gruesome engraved invitation.
"
"""morning,"" she said, and ""how do?""
with a smile, so her warmth would come through.
when she spoke, it was clipped,
tender, sweet, honey-dipped.
and mom's best brachyology? ""nu?""
"
"coming gropingly forth from the dark, it
was soon an emerging young market.
our commercial relations
with burgeoning nations:
""here's my ride, kid?find somewhere to park it.""
"
"try our latest, potage v?ronique.
it's a flavorful soup, but it's weak.
our sous-chef has a scheme:
he'll enrich it with cream?
thicker soups are in vogue now, tr?s chic.
"
"she clawed me?i'm sure there'll be scars,
crowned me twice, and i'm still seeing stars:
on my pate with a pan,
then a campbell's soup can.
that spitfire belongs behind bars.
"
"a long battery of tests lies before us
with committees of scholars to score us.
we hope, once we're through
with this grueling review,
that the ivies won't choose to ignore us.
"
"for a copper or two, she would sing?
not too dear for the pleasures she'd bring.
and she wasn't half willing
for a toff with a shilling
to perform the gent's own ""special thing.""
"
"i'll closet myself with my work
like some wretched dickensian clerk.
walled-off from my buddies,
just me and my studies,
i'll learn it?or?snap!?go berserk.
"
"us open: queens hosts the elites;
can't believe what they're getting for seats.
but the average clown
cannot drive across town:
event traffic is choking the streets.
"
"here's perplexity: gather around,
for within, leonard cohen is found.
he's an angst-ridden poet
(read his works, and you'll know it)
who's adored by the rich and renowned.
"
"have a burger with cheese on your diet?
you're breaking me up?you're a riot!
guess i misunderstood,
but that did my heart good.
you were kidding, of course; don't deny it.
"
"draw the cork and decant a red wine,
let it breathe a few minutes ? then dine.
let your company savor
that exquisite flavor.
choose them well: cast no pearls before swine.
"
"come and see me; we need to touch base.
let me brief you in depth, face to face,
on our markets, connections
and likely defections
before you take over this place.
"
"there are blessings a garden bestows:
i'm at prayer; something kisses my nose.
some soft scent fills the chapel.
someone's peeling an apple?
no, it's eglantine, sweet-briar rose.
"
"his kaleidoscope stagings of dance
were his signature?that, and romance.
busby'd showcase girls' faces
and legs in odd spaces.
want flesh, boys? well, here's an expanse.
"
"i'm impressed by that latest degree.
her cv's a bit weak, but we'll see ?
last night was enjoyable.
sure, she's employable.
a pity it's not up to me.
"
"we were buffing our favorite piece
when dad said, ""life's about elbow grease"":
of the mind, of the heart ?
work it in, do your part.
the rewards will be sweet, so don't cease.
"
"when you're fission (a popular sport),
use debate, or you'll find you're caught short.
dig some up; just go vermin ?
keep them squiggly and squirmin' ?
or buy blood worms in town by deport.
"
"during dark times, mom turned us toward light,
weaving visions to fend off the night.
we would sleep safe and sound
when our mom was around.
in her care, futures always looked bright.
"
"in their tunnels, they nest by a stream,
and each evening swoop down where bugs teem.
beginning each spring,
watch them hunt on the wing.
bank swallows are bug nuts supreme.
"
"here's the trade-off: you'll build my new racks,
and your shindig? i'll cater the snacks.
both our problems are solved
without money involved.
bartered services circumvent tax.
"
"my wife's sweet, yet she never excites me,
but parenting?sure, that invites me:
kids are fun. sex? a yawn,
so i contract don juan.
but they've gone. now and then, my wife writes me.
"
"the award of an edgar implies
that the writer's reached personal highs,
that her mystery writing
is fresh and exciting.
her readers will want a reprise.
"
"this silver's been masterfully chased:
hammered shapes in such delicate taste,
with a tapped-in tight weave?
it's so hard to believe
it was made to receive human waste.
"
"""fully churned-over land gets well aired?
improves plantings,"" the farmer declared.
""no more time to be killing;
my acres need tilling,
'cause cultivated soil's well prepared.""
"
"vinnie needs telling off, there's no doubt,
but you're hiding downstairs working out.
punching bag in your basement?
we call it displacement.
confront him? no way ? he's got clout.
"
"losing currency lately, i find,
is the gentler phrase, ""kiss my behind.""
on my home tv screen,
baser phrasing's routine,
its employers no longer maligned.
"
"""we can cure an assortment of ills
at our clinic ensconced in the hills.""
tempting ad?it looked swell,
but i'm still sick as hell.
six months later, i keep getting bills.
"
"our fruit's fresh, so we've no competition;
we remove what's in doubtful condition.
daily sorting's dead dull.
still, we can't sell the cull,
so it's picked up each day by the mission.
"
"while our lifestyles pursue an aesthetic
that's subtle, relaxed and poetic,
and we're calm, easy-going,
earth's tectonically growing.
her uplift is endogenetic.
"
"at the mike, a deranged right-wing nut
linked the pope with the spreading of smut.
his emotional zeal
had a potent appeal:
demagogical speech hits one's gut.
"
"she goes hunting used pop cans all day:
loads of empties she's stashing away.
she's been cramming her closets
with nickel deposits.
she'll redeem them. well, some day, she may.
"
"on the pitch, every player competes,
yet we'd suffered a string of defeats.
then an off-the-wall claim
said our boots were to blame,
so we all bought expensive blue cleats.
"
"my restaurant's small, but it's hot.
it's the theater crowd's favorite spot.
sure, it's got its detractors,
but the critics and actors
come to gab, grab a bite and just squat.
"
"we can lever the lid from below,
prise it up with my cast-iron crow.
i'm aware how it looks:
crows are tools used by crooks.
it's effective?that's all you need know.
"
"'neath a boulder, a towering pillar
of clay was a set for a thriller:
at this demoiselle
was a fight; the stone fell?
demoiselle then became lady killer.
"
"make a change, 'cause you're going to pot.
you should crew for a time on my yacht:
get in shape, learn the sails;
see the world from my rails.
and you'd have your own cabin?why not?
"
"if i'm done with the rat-race?frenetic,
and my decor's quite spartan?ascetic,
why this beautiful wife
at the core of my life?
for a grace that transcends the cosmetic.
"
"his writings depict what's inherent
in humans, worthwhile and aberrant.
why study the skies?
study other men's eyes,
thought bruce chatwin, philosopher errant.
"
"both young boxers looked seasoned and mean.
my instructions to them were routine:
""you expect a fair shake,
so no blows in a break.
keep your punches up, boys, and fight clean.""
"
"this table-top's eglomise?
reverse-painted?a subtle display:
maidens lounging in grass.
something wafts through the glass:
a delicate floral bouquet.
"
"our new goalie came cheap at the price.
on each shot, tight as white is on rice,
he maneuvers and blocks
in the red-bordered box.
in his crease, he's the king of the ice.
"
"as air's forced past your teeth, that brief hum
from your larynx is helpful. how come?
it's required ? indicative
of a voiced dental fricative.
sans that hum, either's ether, old chum.
"
"here, eelgrass grows close by the shore,
feeding wigeons and geese, and, what's more,
it's a nursery site
for young fish, and just might
stuff your cushions. it's tough to ignore.
"
"i'm returnin' myself to the farm
with my bodyboard under my arm.
'druther burrow through caves
than go surfin' those waves ?
rowdy water? i don't see the charm.
"
"ever fluid, she's always in motion.
destination? she hasn't a notion.
she gathers the rain,
carries on, won't complain,
till she empties herself in the ocean.
"
"though their colors and size may attract us,
promulgation's uncertain in practice.
pollen's spread by a bat,
and that's how it's begat:
bright red dragon fruit, spawned by a cactus.
"
"our patience, this summer, was tested:
first the campgrounds?mosquito infested,
so we fled for the ocean.
(was that everyone's notion?)
all roads to the shore were congested.
"
"it's a painting about conversation?
bluebloods met for a group rumination.
this piece is quite formal
for a subject so normal,
pulled from life, yet with no animation.
"
"i booked an exclusive hotel,
called elitist and choosy as hell.
still, how posh could it be
if it rented to me?
i canceled?low-class clientele.
"
"her guy's vulgar, uncouth and a pain?
a vast rock pile in search of a brain.
soon they'll run out of gas,
'cause her tastes are first class:
he's a beer, but she's clearly champagne.
"
"i've a bend on my shield; it's oblique?
cuts across like a sundering streak,
walls the charges apart.
with traditional art,
coats of arms come with heaps of mystique.
"
"""leave the lights on? that's torture, you brute!""
maybe so, but consider the boot:
wedge it tighter; he'll beg ?
slowly crush a man's leg.
is that torture? not much to dispute.
"
"my lines? had them cold in a snap,
but my blocking? just hand me a map.
upstage left or down right,
i'm befuddled, in spite
of the hours? what i need is a nap.
"
"we have blackouts built in to our act.
they're amusingly quick and compact.
and to heighten their clout,
each concludes with lights out.
humor's broad ? nothing deep or abstract.
"
"edward longshanks, subduer of wales,
helmed destroyer of blood-spattered tales,
would  lay waste to the north,
far beyond firth of forth.
but he faltered, and scotland prevails.
"
"call me common? i'm sure that's not fair:
to announce when one farts is quite rare.
oh, you're claiming i'm low.
let me prove it ain't so?
i'll fart proudly from high on that chair.
"
"scattered body parts strewn here and there
would have curled any normal man's hair.
but from one jaded cop,
grisly humor, nonstop:
""i get paid by the piece, i don't care.""
"
"what an eyeful! so what, she's not smart?
she's a beauty who'll tear men apart.
call her agent and cast her,
today, if not faster.
that bimbo is state of the art.
"
"""why jump canyons? the risks are too great.
it's your life, but you're just tempting fate.""
i was wasting my breath;
he kept dancing with death.
he's stopped dancing: he's lying in state.
"
"castle holidays? sure, let's begin.
all those slots served the archers within.
needing glassed-in embrasures,
we'll hire a few glaziers.
slap a roof on, and guests will pour in.
"
"i've learned to shut up and hold tight,
since her rages just last overnight.
they set in without warning,
and pass before morning ?
she's blessedly calm by first light.
"
"his responses, at first, were evasive?
dodged the question and then grew abrasive.
so we wined him and dined him;
this morning we signed him.
we've found graciousness often persuasive.
"
"what a bio! her training's extensive:
wide ranging and quite comprehensive.
so email that letter
and hope that we get her.
be warned, though, the gal comes expensive.
"
"the navy meant faraway places?
exotic the sounds and the faces,
djibouti to nome?
now mom's welcomed me home
with a hug and, ""son, do up your laces.""
"
"she's onstage every night?an exotic,
stripping slowly?profoundly erotic.
her revealing ballets
with rewarding displays
are unfailingly hot and hypnotic.
"
"since that day he was sent to deploy,
mom's had visions of holding her boy.
the long struggle is done,
and they'll send home her son.
mom's euphorically dancing for joy.
"
"her achievements were simply historic.
reaction? we all were euphoric?
ecstatic with pride.
now we'll cling to her side:
her ascent will be swift, meteoric.
"
"conflagration! one's lost?it's the sitter.
so bag her; she's one crispy critter:
charred beyond recognition,
id'd by dentition.
dark humor can shock and embitter.
"
"his integrity's under a cloud.
one night out with that ostracized crowd
led to vilification:
he caved to temptation,
and finds himself spurned, disavowed.
"
"our town council is thought to mean well.
their events, though, are boring as hell.
a conciliar meeting
is best when it's fleeting,
but their motto is ""sit for a spell.""
"
"she answered, definitively, ""no!
not a chance, not a prayer; i won't go.
just to freeze in the bleachers
with beer-benumbed creatures,
i should squat all that time in the snow?""
"
"oh, crap! ? good, i've got your attention.
ecphonema's a tactic worth mention.
cut an air of stagnation
with a sharp exclamation,
and break free of ennui?or ease tension.
"
"when a pilot has trouble with attitude,
his craft won't allow him much latitude.
but once pitch, yaw and roll
are back under control,
we applaud him with deeply felt gratitude.
"
"what a landing?courageous and heady!
still, the aftermath's left him unsteady:
constant autograph-seekers,
long dinners with speakers
(he's been banqueted six times already).
"
"that carpetbagger ran on her fame:
she moved in, won on hubby's big name,
outmaneuvered the rules,
played the voters for fools.
in her business, it's all in the game.
"
"manning triremes in old roman wars
were synched rowers in three banks of oars.
triple tiers produced speed;
they were fearsome, indeed,
when they loomed off an enemy's shores.
"
"damned lawmakers failed to come through.
checkoff's gone; we'll lose membership too.
when those guys we endorsed
told us dues can't be forced?
that's a message we won't misconstrue.
"
"""there's a secret built in to this game,""
said the rumors, the game's claim to fame.
who uncovers the code
wins a golden commode,
so this easter egg hunt's your true aim.
"
"manufacturing? asia's the place,
while collapse stares the west in the face.
western plants are outmoded;
equipment's corroded:
an eroded industrial base.
"
"here the esplanade borders the shore,
couples strolling where we strolled before.
my old thoughts come back clearly,
how i suffered severely:
""my lord, but this woman's a bore!""
"
"past the tree line, where wind often moans,
there are chilling, unwelcoming zones.
in these high, gusty passes,
anemious grasses
find life in the chinks of the stones.
"
"to the cytopathologist, cells
have a theme; there's a story each tells.
might a dancer have cancer?
he'll help find the answer.
i read books; this guy reads organelles.
"
"i'm pleased with our latest au pair.
her demeanor's a breath of fresh air.
before her, miss grumpy
was peevish and frumpy.
let's face it, she didn't compare.
"
"""got some agita? tummy distressed?
eat eupeptic food?helps you digest.""
her advice should be banned;
that stuff's boring and bland.
she'll survive me?embittered, suppressed.
"
"once i thought i was tough and hard nosed,
but this gig's left me overexposed?
a clay pigeon each day.
make it all go away!
umping kids? (resignation's enclosed.)
"
"seems the town's had a hell of a fright:
some damned killer broke free at first light.
still, the deputy's shot him;
they've just about got him.
watch his capture?replayed?late tonight.
"
"our big hair house?it really looks great:
columns, statues, a huge gilded gate.
that's the lottery money
i've spent for my honey.
we've named it the screw-you estate.
"
"it's crib time, so what's in our bags?
cut lunches with sammos and snags.
that'll do, so we grin,
'cause it's time to bog in,
have a yack and then hand round the fags.
"
"put your workaday world in suspension;
something desperately needs your attention.
this exigent matter
wants action, not chatter?
employ that old ounce of prevention.
"
"edulcorate wilson?he's gruff;
to approach him's increasingly tough.
we should dampen his fires;
he frightens new hires.
we're paying the bastard enough.
"
"fortune's fools, sailors carp and complain
and appeal to st. elmo in vain.
but we're half o'er from guam,
drifting still in a calm,
we want wind, lord, and please, send us rain.
"
"sudden fungi, erumpent today,
broke the soil in their sylvan display
on the moist forest floor,
where they weren't before.
catch the show; they'll enjoy a brief stay.
"
"she's the loudmouth at every affair;
you can't miss her?the broad with big hair
(it's teased up in a pile,
her idea of ""high style""),
and a lover beyond all compare.
"
"she's our epoch's most glorious flower;
the greats flock to her, hour by hour:
an eximious crowd,
by their maker endowed
with vast intellect, talent and power.
"
"""that's my mare; let's discuss how much hay she ate.
wasteful? i'll tell you?the way she ate!""
name a thing, he'll expound on it,
perhaps wax profound on it.
any subject at hand, he'll expatiate.
"
"stop the presses! we've got an exclusive:
a new photo of author elusive.
our stringer who shot it
says only we got it;
the author was crude and abusive.
"
"as though etherized, zonked, on a table,
he lies still on the floor of the stable.
out cold, he's been thrown?
not so much as a groan.
doctor's coming? as soon as he's able.
"
"dermatoscopy checks out one's skin,
seeking cancerous lesions within.
using polarized light,
it reveals (or it might)
melanoma or something akin.
"
"we're surprised by some renegade sioux:
are there injured? surprisingly few.
we've lost horses; that's fair,
'cause they've left us our hair
and gained honor by just counting coup.
"
"it's colonized much of the land,
and continues to spread, to expand.
no control's guaranteed;
still, we fight the damned weed.
stupid kudzu is way out of hand.
"
"a porter's not paid what he's worth;
for a tip, he'll move heaven and earth.
tough to sleep on a train?
pullman bunks are a pain?
pay the man; he'll procure a new berth.
"
"we took hayrides each fall, camped each summer.
now our seasons grow grayer and glummer.
since our kids both moved out,
there's a stimulus drought ?
this empty nest syndrome's a bummer!
"
"kind of makes me go green 'round the gills
how they've levelled some forests and hills
so investors could build up
that land with malls filled up
with crap. now we can't pay our bills.
"
"we'd been slogging all day, so we rested,
but the lowlands were rank and infested.
we regrouped and kept pressing,
climbed up (what a blessing)
to the top of a ridge?yes, we crested.
"
"with no fanfare, back home and at ease,
mom breezed in, like god's breath through the trees.
won't explain why she left,
why she left us bereft ?
just says, ""love comes with no guarantees.""
"
"she's been married four times, has my wife;
i've been there through her trials and strife.
now my turn's come around
and i'll keep her, i'm bound.
oh, those legs ? like a fine duncan phyfe.
"
"you know what i hate? tempting fate:
my new girl's absolutely first-rate.
she walks in, shows her face;
every creep in the place
starts amorously eyeing my date.
"
"sunday dinners?those memories are sweet?
table center: a mountain of meat
on mom's twenty-inch charger
(do plates come any larger?)
and gramps half-asleep in his seat.
"
"damned colonials mocked us today:
blew our armory, melted away.
yankee doodles won't fight,
but they're out there all right:
a provokingly guileful display.
"
"comedogenic foods make me break out?
acne pimples determined to sprout.
greasy pizza and fries
send some fat to my thighs
and some oil to the tip of my snout.
"
"as if tonsured, the crown of my head
wears a calvity; hope it won't spread.
i'm too young to be balding;
girls' comments are scalding:
""brother guido?"" i'd rather be dead.
"
"multi-lingual instruction's the rule
at our anglo-vernacular school.
the old dean, a bengali,
thinks the concept pure folly.
he's an obdurate, insular mule.
"
"that's a bolt-action rifle, my boy:
my old world war i mauser ? my joy
(i was young, knew my stuff;
just one round was enough),
my best chum at the somme ? it's no toy.
"
"where's my baby? she's lost; it's depressing.
can't deny it?just look how she's dressing.
i'm commencing to worry.
what the hell is her hurry?
where's the shotgun? my girl's adolescing.
"
"to the kremlin, a dedicated line
from the white house was there, rain or shine:
a direct phone connection,
emplaced for protection
in crisis, a prudent design.
"
"poor old pop's equilibrium's shot;
he's unstable, more often than not.
so he sways side to side
and he clings to his pride
as he pisses? and misses the pot.
"
"our know-how will market your book:
inside-peek it?we'll give folks a look.
we'll excerpt the best lewd parts,
salacious or nude parts,
and use facebook. your sales will just cook.
"
"jennie's equable?tough to upset,
like a measured, genteel minuet,
so, once certain bob cheated,
jen wasn't defeated.
she temperately torched his corvette.
"
"weather's nuts; these are fast changing times,
as the temperature crashes, then climbs.
these were equable shores;
now we're sheltered indoors.
nature's punishing us for our crimes.
"
"someone's peeling that billboard display.
there are others beneath, so okay.
it's like retro-montage?
very cool d?collage:
creation by taking away.
"
"this brahman is sporting a hump.
it's a steer, not some pundit, you chump.
resistant to heat,
it yields excellent meat,
and it's docile. get down off that stump.
"
"only we know the prince was just wed.
get those dollar signs out of your head:
any leak might bring scandal
that's beastly to handle.
breathe a word to a soul and we're dead.
"
"i often give blood to red cross;
now i need a transfusion (blood loss).
it's autologous. see,
i've donated to me?
worth a thought when you ""don't give a toss""?
"
"i fell hard, on my first time in town,
for her eyes and insoluble frown.
then her caramel skin
just kept drawing me in:
soft and tawny, with fine golden down.
"
"the old minesweeper sailed by cousteau
took him places we'd all love to go.
she stood by him so long,
that calypso of song,
both as symbol and part of the show.
"
"enthusiasm? well, that's a start.
dive right in with your passion, your heart.
but while spirit's okay,
it takes talent to play
f?r elise with a four-minute fart.
"
"i suggest, ""let's go up to your place.""
without warning, she sprays me with mace.
hadn't noticed her nails,
which she swiftly unveils
then she viciously claws at my face.
"
"we kept climbing, i'll never know how
in the death zone past twenty-six thou.
many haven't survived
who've been o2 deprived.
still, astoundingly, here we stand now.
"
"he's been fighting?looks battered and weak.
on his forearm's a long, fiery streak.
and a huge, angry bruise
in intense claret hues
encrimsons the pale of his cheek.
"
"having paid him a generous price,
we received this ex gratia advice:
""be prepared for surprises;
the old creek sometimes rises?
just a pointer, you know, to be nice.""
"
"our new house mother, lately installed,
has examined our lives; she's ""appalled.""
she's informed the whole dorm
that she's bent on reform.
""custos morum,"" she wants to be called.
"
"a digital nomad, that's me?
i'm a mess, barely dressed?and i'm free.
life's a working vacation;
wi-fi flies from taxation.
seeking know-how online? pay my fee.
"
"an elaterid's under duress:
it balls up and locks tight, more or less.
for its next beetle trick,
with an audible click,
it bugs out for a change of address.
"
"i'm embarrassed financially now,
but i'm sure i'll resurface somehow.
now the manor's been scrapped,
it's quite queer feeling strapped?
wait, what's that you say? sweat of my brow?
"
"my big brother's addicted to books;
they fill shelving, line walls and stuff nooks.
oh, he reads them, that's true?
in a year? one or two.
bibliolatry's dug in its hooks.
"
"global warming! it isn't surprising:
all over, sea levels are rising.
it's eustasy, folks,
not some ecofreak hoax.
major land forms are slowly resizing.
"
"think it's newsworthy? i disagree:
it's a story that no one need see.
i know gossip's delicious,
but this is plain vicious.
we'll bury it?page twenty-three.
"
"i'll step out for a while ? please don't mind me.
bearing down on the can's where you'll find me.
love bananas and rice?
help yourself; pay the price,
but i'll leave them behind, 'cause they bind me.
"
"if we etiolate plants, they go pale;
without life-giving light, they will fail.
in deep shadows, at length,
plants lose color and strength.
think of drowning?no air to inhale.
"
"on the sinuous ridge north of town,
my sweet prom date, suzanne, doffed her gown.
with my ego inflated,
impatient, we mated.
on that esker, we've since settled down.
"
"is my amorism blessing or curse?
i'm obsessed, but a man could do worse.
love's my only delight.
still, i don't feel contrite;
this compulsion's sublimely diverse.
"
"our business is building construction;
all our calendars hint of seduction:
find a beauty and pose her
on the blade of a 'dozer,
with a popsicle?skin, steel and suction.
"
"when cadillac traveled new france,
he was charting a huge, raw expanse.
with but few faithful backers,
and stubborn attackers,
his life was a constant romance.
"
"entomophilous plants require bugs?
certain insects, not wind, birds or slugs:
perhaps beetles or bees
spread their seed, not the breeze.
guess these critters deserve herbal hugs.
"
"grandpa's binder was sheathing our wheat
when a jolt knocked me clean off my feet.
when at last i exhaled,
i'd been haywired and baled.
that old reaper's goldurned obsolete.
"
"our complacency's crippled success,
and our outlook is, frankly, a mess.
so we'll base each decision
on data and vision:
we'll trust in the educated guess.
"
"after dinner, we'd gather around
to hear stories bizarre and profound.
uncle jim's a causeur?
the complete raconteur,
his inventiveness widely renowned.
"
"when an elder winds down in her bed,
eyes bedimmed, mind adrift, words unsaid,
as that darkness advances,
discussing her chances
is futile. be loving instead.
"
"i pity the next generation.
deeper debt's the man's signal creation.
can we ever repay it?
his choice: need i say it?
he'll come down on the side of taxation.
"
"a euphonium player at school
told the bandmaster's wife, ""you're so cool.""
he'd shown plenty of brass,
but the lady had class.
misperception, for him, proved the rule.
"
"why buy fresh? let food mellow, ferment.
today's catch? that's just money misspent.
why buy clothing unused?
i prefer it suffused,
a bit pungent. okay, so i'm bent.
"
"page one gives us raw, basic dope,
then the breakover really adds scope?
(continued page thirty)?
the story turns dirty.
his wife reached the end of her rope.
"
"what a smile! it's all over her face.
we've just met and, already, first base!
a duchenne smile's all feeling;
true warmth is appealing.
no qualms?next to her's my right place.
"
"any mermaid is biform, of course,
and the centaur: half human, half horse.
these are binary creatures
of share-the-wealth features?
not a scheme i'm inclined to endorse.
"
"if it escalates just a bit more,
your squabble could grow to a war.
cut the nasty invective
and find some perspective.
there are worse things than socks on the floor.
"
"my daughter prefers my black mare
who's twice bausond, she's made me aware:
""the white patch on her head,
one white foot,"" so she said.
the girl's very well read, i declare.
"
"what a peacock! the guy's off his nut.
he's parading about all astrut.
i should take him aside,
take the edge off that pride:
""ditch the swagger; you scored with a slut.""
"
"that defender came in high and hard,
so he's booked; the ref's shown him a card.
such tackles are banned,
lest things get out of hand.
once more? on the spot the guy's barred.
"
"the old geezer, at last, had the floor?
his cheval de bataille once more?
how, at barely nineteen,
he fought daley's machine?
but we've heard all his rantings before.
"
"if it's old, someone wants it, i'll bet,
maybe needs it to fill out a set.
stash your trash in a vault,
safe from water and salt.
what's collectible mustn't get wet.
"
"as an earnest, your proof of intent,
to advance and protect the event,
we need ten thousand down,
and an office in town ?
all up front. then we'll give our consent.
"
"dimidation, when families combined,
meant a new coat of arms was designed.
this heraldic confection
showed accord and connection?
two bloodlines conjoined, realigned.
"
"coat your walls in inventive new hues;
break conventions, defy the taboos.
sherwin-williams or glidden,
obsolete shades are hidden.
have a vision, whatever you choose.
"
"simmer down; don't take on apoplectically.
i'm still young and adore living hectically!
for this hodgepodge of styles,
i have ransacked for miles.
it's exciting to dress more eclectically.
"
"she was deeply involved and engrossed
in the precepts of emily post:
ladies don't cross their knees
at receptions or teas,
and they don't sop up gravy with toast.
"
"turn him down! we're the best in the nation.
this illegible, crude application
is barely acknowledgeable;
this numskull's uncollegeable.
oh, him! then admit on probation.
"
"these breadcrumbs will show you your trail?
how you got to this site?they're the tale
of your route: every stage,
step by step, page by page.
retracing? with crumbs you won't fail.
"
"guard your assets and cope with taxation
by forming a close corporation.
just the founders ? just two of you,
or maybe a few of you,
can guide it with less aggravation.
"
"no more questions? you've just heard our pitch.
we've been thorough: no bugs, not a glitch.
now the ball's in your court.
if you add your support,
we'll get cracking; we'll all wind up rich.
"
"far from home, on a holiday cruise,
and emboldened by distance and booze,
i had gigi with kat,
then androgynous pat,
and i won't have to hear my reviews.
"
"he's got perfect duende, i say,
and he charms at jose's cabaret.
his flamenco's enchanting:
se?oritas?they're panting.
they follow him home every day.
"
"how they venerate, laud and ensky you!
but don't ever expect they'll stand by you.
that's the media story:
fifteen minutes of glory.
misbehave and they'll publicly try you.
"
"""please thyself"" is the egoist's creed.
""serve your fancies and lusts, not your need.
it's quite rational, moral;
you're human. why quarrel?
grant that pleasure's a good and proceed.""
"
"i'd been bullied by neighborhood groups
while their women looked on from the stoops.
the great war was inviting.
now i'm skilled, both in fighting
and leading a column of troops.
"
"ere acceptance attained acceptation,
the latter was proper formation.
so we'd never correct you,
nor ever reject you?
admitted, for now? on probation.
"
"she's not grown for her fragrant perfume,
but she dazzles?she'll burn off your gloom.
pick her up at your shop;
watch her flower non-stop.
busy lizzie's all covered in bloom.
"
"creativity always excites,
and chef's dishes are full of delights:
local esculent greens
which he seeks, plucks and cleans.
so our nights reach spectacular heights.
"
"hardened boilerplate's crusting the snow.
tread with caution wherever you go:
it'll hold then desert you,
and swiftly invert you?
you're sliding? just go with the flow.
"
"their conventicle's just beyond town.
sure it's small, but it's there; burn it down.
they've continued to meet there
and plot their deceit there.
your authorization? the crown.
"
"the bard's bawdy leaps out from his page:
sexy content adored in his age.
it delighted the crowd;
words were double-endowed,
acted broadly and lewdly on stage.
"
"with concomitant budding senility,
peace comes dropping, along with fragility:
once-burning emotions
and squandered devotions ?
recollected in misty tranquillity.
"
"a causeuse is for two to confer.
but for some, it's to snuggle and purr.
it's a mini-settee
too congested for three,
but it suits the amour connoisseur.
"
"you've been burnin', but jack, you ain't done
till you give 'em your ceiling note, son.
point your ax at the sky;
blow it higher than high.
on the trumpet, you're second to none.
"
"""all our soil's guaranteed to be clean.""
their dirt's clean? what the hell? what's it mean?
""it's organics and sands,
nothing made by man's hands:
it's all natural, friend; our soil's green.""
"
"gold's discovered; it's more than mere rumors.
revelation, then in come the boomers:
soon settlers flood
to the boardwalks and mud.
local merchants see surging consumers.
"
"fish in florida? who would think twice?
but from bobhouses out on thick ice?
yet if great northern pike
or the togue's what you like,
guess an ice shanty is good advice.
"
"giant draglines are built to mine coal,
and on landscapes they take a grim toll.
overburdened by clay?
draglines scoop it away.
eco-friendly they're not, on the whole.
"
"i'd say cuddle parties sure sound like fun:
squirming people laid out, bun to bun,
or with legs loosely wrapped,
voluntarily trapped
and no ties, 'less you're angling for one.
"
"an ingenious perfomance?at last!
still this critic's dismayed and aghast.
the inspired he finds frightening;
old tight-ass keeps tightening.
that old beckmesser's stuck in the past.
"
"we're at ease, in our element, cool.
we dig in here, veg out and refuel.
in this favorite setting,
we find peace in forgetting
the world's unresponsive and cruel.
"
"our specialized branch of geology
deals with frost; it's called cryopedology.
where permafrost rules,
with appropriate tools,
we evaluate geomorphology.
"
"why is urine dogs' chosen id?
they eat crap; is that consequence-free?
i've elected to study
our strange, furry buddy.
cynology fascinates me.
"
"some believe that it makes sense to tether
schools in groups, just like birds of a feather.
educational parks
get from others low marks,
unconvinced schools work better together.
"
"i feel stressed?at the end of my tether.
still, i've managed to hold it together.
if i'm cool, i'll prevail:
the next piece up for sale
is an eames chair of plywood and leather.
"
"on this highway of gut-wrenching thrills,
with its colubrine twists through the hills,
it's like riding a snake.
i keep hitting the brake,
turning queasy and green 'round the gills.
"
"crisp october: the color descends,
dappling meadow and stream where it wends.
summer ends, a chill settles;
great trees shed their metals?
gold and copper, as nature intends.
"
"smoking two packs a day is no joke;
you're a candidate, dad, for a stroke.
without warning or pain,
seizing-up of your brain?
out of nowhere, your plans up in smoke.
"
"up on stage, every night, we're the crew.
for each scene, we've got business to do:
the lights dim, a scrim drops?
change the set and the props.
we're unnoticed, yet we're broadway, too.
"
"like a tortoiseshell tool for the hair,
it's designed with a classical flair.
fine windsor-type styling
some feel is beguiling.
your comb-back's a time-tested chair.
"
"send a cover sheet out with your fax
so it won't simply fall through the cracks.
list the issues involved
and we'll see they're resolved?
basic facts, not the whole ball of wax.
"
"breaks my heart how he's fallen; it's humbling:
recent work seems distracted and fumbling.
his latest raw copy?
disjointed and choppy.
our publishing house may be crumbling.
"
"in an ekphrasis written for class,
she declared jackson pollock an ass,
describing his art
as ""a visible fart,
though without the charisma of gas.""
"
"our half dollars and i are estranged.
without fanfare, our change has been changed:
now the mint (is this proper?)
clads nickel to copper.
sans silver, it's base, rearranged.
"
"when an actor dries up, she forgets;
it hits ingenues, leads, even vets.
some unflappably fake it,
ad lib till they shake it.
they'll collect two or three antoinettes.
"
"when he carries my clubs on the links,
i ignore him, don't care what he thinks.
sure he caddies for me?
he's my son, so he's free.
yes, he's played some, but, frankly, he stinks.
"
"deserticolous flora is tough:
it hangs on where the growing gets rough.
lacking moisture's amenity,
it bides in serenity,
thinking, ""never say die?you're hot stuff.""
"
"a red bull or jolt with your lunch
might assist with your afternoon crunch.
you can't grab forty winks?
try some energy drinks.
ergogenic enhancements add punch.
"
"he can't grasp any more; that's a dream:
this is his epistemic extreme.
his cognitive skill
is now over the hill.
this brute has the brains of a bream.
"
"garish trappings must all disappear.
they seem tactless?and you? insincere.
no more coveting cool;
let propriety rule.
i can help you decrassify, dear.
"
"you, er, never know how to begin;
you're, like, constantly tossing stuff in.
when befitting words fail ya,
you voice embolalia.
it's ugly, but falls short of sin.
"
"he's a sad sack, your new novel's hero.
use a charactonym: name him zero.
it'll work 'cause it's fun,
like a primitive pun.
and your javelin chucker? he's spiro.
"
"asian paradox: why they live long,
despite smoking, beijing to hong kong.
some think drinking green tea
reinforces one's qi.
they're in harmony?vital and strong.
"
"it's his only unbending demand:
no credit, no checks?understand?
while he's still at the helm,
only coin of the realm.
even barter's dismissed out of hand.
"
"the old queen, in her equipage, nears
and the crowd sees the horses, and cheers.
the great carriage and team
are a royalist's dream
that glides by and, like dreams, disappears.
"
"though for years, i've lived loose, unattached,
every lewd and lubricious itch scratched,
i hold one sacred dream:
an identical team,
like rockettes, tall and evenly matched.
"
"please don't wake me if this is a dream:
my new sweetie's the cream of the cream.
she's a soft, springy shipment
of gymnastic equipment?
my god, how she mounts on the beam!
"
"our markets proclaim authenticity
with their marvelous range of ethnicity:
keffiyehs, batiks,
scents of curries and leeks?
and opinions?a vast multiplicity.
"
"we were shocked. a debilitating stroke
left her voiceless, immobile and broke.
is there hope? not a trace;
now she occupies space:
a young mother whose life's up in smoke.
"
"it's important what this crowd believes,
so get cracking, kid, roll up your sleeves.
every bigwig you mention
secures more attention.
drop names like a forest drops leaves.
"
"brush an ember, your hand jerks away,
'cause an efferent nerve's saved the day?
you'll need fewer repairs.
the swift message it bears
leaves no choice, and your muscles obey.
"
"we all carb-load the eve of the race;
it's a tactic we've learned to embrace.
carbohydrate insurance
helps boost our endurance,
so with pasta, go on, stuff your face.
"
"hey, there's mousse in this fruit! have a taste.
black sapote: don't eat it in haste.
its soft flesh, brown and creamy,
is flavorful, dreamy ?
chocolate pudding fruit, light on your waist.
"
"other maidens would draw me away,
but my minikin maketh me stay.
no, i ne'er could deceive her,
aggrieve her or leave her:
i will cleave to my darling for aye.
"
"kids may nod, but they don't understand,
on lps, today's track was a band:
spiraled minuscule grooves
full of music! just proves
wonders fade when we don't raise a hand.
"
"it's been awesome; my life's in high gear:
my family, career, the whole schmear.
it's been gathering steam
(i'm afraid it's a dream).
i've been batting a thousand all year.
"
"this american craftsman style dwelling
shows a mastery rare and compelling,
and what adds authenticity:
graceful simplicity.
it's pricey? be grateful they're selling.
"
"""let's go clubbing, and do it up brown.""
""but the upstream marina's shut down:
river's closed due to blockage.""
""the harbor's got dockage.
tie up; we can hitchhike to town.""
"
"at this distance, i can't see the whites
of his eyes, but he's dead in my sights.
so i've got him; relax?
he'll be dropped in his tracks.
in a second, your grief's set to rights.
"
"will your window spring open? no sweat.
it's secured by an espagnolette:
there are hooks at each end
of a rod that won't bend.
once engaged, it's a pretty safe bet.
"
"equilibrium's balance in life,
among workplace and leisure and wife.
and my spouse is a breeze,
always easy to please
(if i fail, fifi flashes her knife).
"
"now the buckers are through with a tree;
it's been hewn into logs and debris.
and once sectioned and pieced,
with its stature decreased,
there's no longer a tree there to see.
"
"i teach grown-ups, not children, i fear;
yes, andragogy's been my career.
so be off with your imp;
i've got no taste for shrimp?
perhaps you'd like a mentor, my dear?
"
"they do wheelies and other cool tricks
with a purpose?it's not just for kicks.
don't consider them jerks
'cause it usually works:
epigamic behavior gets chicks.
"
"three and one, so the count's in my favor:
a position a batter should savor.
but the way i've been slumping,
my heart just keeps thumping.
a bunny at bat would seem braver.
"
"life's eroded me lately?i'm flayed.
i'll bounce back in full armor?remade.
my endysis complete,
i'll roar back, on my feet,
with a new, tougher hide?unafraid.
"
"""psst! beheading's tonight?there's a rumor:
woman earned a degree; that'll doom her.""
[schoolgirls pass] ""quick, your gun!
pretty good?hole in one.""
it's the taliban answer to humor.
"
"endogamy's helped keep us pure;
our ethnicity's sure to endure.
but the tribes in the hills
interbreed for the thrills.
they'll stay ugly and poor and obscure.
"
"for us humans, it isn't exotic
to be, fungus-like, eukaryotic,
for what this mostly means
is that all of our genes
are together, not scattered, chaotic.
"
"our large dog grate was well-stocked with wood
on the inglenook's stones where it stood.
we felt safe and supplied;
hang the woodpile outside!
so we bundled, and damn, that felt good.
"
"he stands pleading; she's merely amused;
a girl's cowering, bruised and abused.
will these scenes coalesce?
i'm befogged, i confess.
all this cross-cutting's got me confused.
"
"here's a veldt scene of grazing gazelles
made of numerous broken-up shells,
and undamaged ones too,
fastened neatly with glue.
this conchitic art's rare, and it sells.
"
"she's grown up among aqueous hues:
island edens of cool greens and blues.
but for sanity's sake,
on her annual break,
she does vegas for neon and booze.
"
"while some beach-goers loll in the sand,
i conchologize; that's why i'm tanned.
shell collecting's a kick
when you know which to pick.
my equipment? my eyes and my hand.
"
"all these herbs like the same type of weather:
collocal, they flourish together.
soils that keep one alive
help the others survive.
they all thrive in a setting of heather.
"
"this charlatan's loved far and wide?
he's exalted?unduly enskyed.
while he's glib and he's quick,
spreading blarney on thick,
he just rides his tsunami-like tide.
"
"as our steamer's provisioned and coaled,
a harsh drama is seen to unfold.
dockers lading supplies
meet a sudden demise:
heavy cargo's crashed hard to the hold.
"
"i've composed a new character piece.
it's imbued with the moonlight in nice:
starry-eyed as you please,
a sad song on the keys.
buried sorrows cry out for release.
"
"he's inventive beyond comprehension;
every outfit sings out for attention.
his choice in costumery's
brilliant with humor; he's
broken the bonds of convention.
"
"water damage, i fear, is severe
on this lovely antique chiffonier.
one significant flaw:
several drawers just won't draw.
a tall chest at its best? nowhere near.
"
"he accepted the weight of disgrace,
an equanimous cast to his face.
his opponents were crazed,
yet he bore it unfazed,
his thoughts in a happier place.
"
"we watch, awestruck, as there, center stage,
she reacts to affronts to her age.
while darkening slowly,
her mien turns unholy,
till she stands there, empurpled with rage.
"
"in baghdad, al-farabi was trained ?
read the greeks, whom he built on, explained:
god sets all things in motion,
every act, every notion ?
both first mover and presence sustained.
"
"our used clothing is packaged by bale;
each tight bundle's then placed on a scale.
in some faraway state,
traders buy it by weight?
round the world, college sweatshirts on sale.
"
"he was missing, yet some still believed
he'd gone wandering, lost and aggrieved.
a term's set, cut and dried?
time to set hopes aside?
enoch arden laws aid the bereaved.
"
"slow down, catch the wrecks on your cell:
digi-neckers, you're drivers from hell.
while you capture that view,
help can barely slog through.
and for what? grisly photos to sell?
"
"there's a doctrine, eternal return:
endless cycles are there to discern.
we can know what's in store,
'cause it's happened before.
as we've lived it, there's hope we may learn.
"
"i would scorn the keen sight of an eagle
for the powers of evil-eye fleegle,
whose riveting stare
could drop you? right there!
back in dogpatch, this wasn't illegal.
"
"we're shut down and sealed up, in the main;
that we want ventilation is plain.
if we're open to air,
we get soaked; it's not fair.
awning windows work great in the rain.
"
"her routine is a loving affair:
disentwining his sleep-matted hair.
momma's precious firstborn
wakes with elflocks each morn?
boyish tangles?to mom, debonair.
"
"guys dig rib roast or chops, beer on tap,
but let wives come along, it's a trap.
they're sashimi and greens
and weird weight-watch cuisines.
on our ""restaurant night,"" the food's crap!
"
"ecclesiolatry's surely obsessive,
and too much tradition's repressive.
churchly ways tie you down
when your friends go to town.
your whole outlook turns inward?regressive.
"
"they all loved new york's chelsea hotel.
those with talents were handled there well:
dylans, thomas and bob,
arthur clarke at his job,
others plagued by some personal hell.
"
"as a rule, lou took life on the chin.
was his mythical ship coming in?
had no way turned to yup?
was his world looking up?
""just don't go there,"" he'd say, with a grin.
"
"you're a father, son, like it or not;
one wild night's put your ass on the spot.
you may claim she's a hooker.
she insists you flat took her.
he's your by-child. the rest don't mean squat.
"
"thanks for waiting; i'm nearly ok.
i awoke a bit dauncy today?
somewhat under the weather.
but i'll pull it together,
and our journey can get underway.
"
"my earldom means little to me;
it's a title, an old used-to-be:
no financial rewards,
just a seat in the lords
and a mouldering family tree.
"
"as an essayist, bacon transcended.
each concise, reasoned writing was splendid:
precise texture and diction?
the best of non-fiction?
ideas proposed then defended.
"
"the etui in my purse is antique,
and it's tortoise shell, therefore unique.
it's for needlework tools,
but i do break the rules:
tension wrenches and picks?want a peek?
"
"i'm a puzzler of worldwide repute,
for creating and solving, to boot.
yes, i'm ninety and lame,
but i'm still in the game.
enigmatography's kept me acute.
"
"left to me at my uncle's bequest
was a chippendale tall chest-on-chest.
original cherry?
am i pleased? i'd say very.
what a tallboy! thanks, unc; i'm impressed.
"
"stop your sniveling; have you no pride?
and compose yourself, then step outside.
jeers are common; expect them.
if you can't redirect them,
at least learn to take them in stride.
"
"never stop at a shop for directions
that involve several wye intersections:
""you bear left, then bear right,
then straight on at the light.""
or vice versa; them's our recollections.
"
"the moon's a diminishing crescent,
like my dwindling strengths?evanescent.
but i'm no old moon:
don't expect me back soon.
(someone bring me my antidepressant.)
"
"from the new york state court of appeals,
when the nation was spinning its wheels,
came some boot-licking bozo?
no, benjamin cardozo,
who'd champion savvy new deals.
"
"a coupling, a short length of pipe,
joins two more of a like width and type.
their ends come with a thread,
so the pipes tightly wed.
add a weld. you'll have no call to gripe.
"
"thutmose's in over his head:
at dawn, he won't wake up in bed.
they'll be weighing his heart,
but he'll have a head start
if his ka reads the book of the dead.
"
"all the sound's diegetic: he hears it.
a dog barks and he jumps, 'cause he fears it.
there's no musical score?
he's alone, less is more.
if he sighs, first the screenwriter clears it.
"
"life attacked, so i fought to come through;
crap then showered me out of the blue.
must've passed god's exam?
now life's prime rib and lamb.
eudaemonia, how do you do?
"
"if a gamer's to have a good day,
certain strategies turn things his way.
each choice of an action
ensures satisfaction.
thus determinacy comes into play.
"
"drink is dragging me down; time to stop
and start over once more, from the top.
to commence this renewal,
i'll pause and refuel?
who'd begrudge me a final wee drop?
"
"a deteriorist, roth blew a gasket:
""this world's gone to hell in a basket?
disarray and decay.
i've prepared for this day:
already, i sleep in my casket.""
"
"as a painter of prisoners pent,
he expresses a silent dissent.
on his works, he's depicted
those condemned, those convicted:
portrayals of dark discontent.
"
"the corn islands, reached by small plane,
offer beer and rum fun, not champagne.
choose a small beach-side inn;
life gets under your skin.
snorkel heaven! i bet you'll remain.
"
"our gaming rooms? tops in the state;
bettors tell us our action's first-rate.
but the pace sometimes slips
and we sell fewer chips?
sleepy nights when the drop isn't great.
"
"our sunflowers struggle each year.
as the first tender sproutings appear,
epigeal young shoots
wriggle up from their roots?
they're discovered too quickly by deer.
"
"as the leader, he'd merited mention
till his team fell apart with dissension.
could he last the duration
without that foundation?
forget it; he dropped from contention.
"
"lack of sympathy's all you convey,
and hard knocks won't excuse that away.
such an outlook's myopic,
in fact, misanthropic.
what an ugly dyspathic display!
"
"due to storms as this autumn drew near,
apple droppage was heavy this year.
the whole harvest's not lost,
so i'll swallow the cost.
growing fruit's a capricious career.
"
"as usual, grannie looks miffed
because grandpa's beginning to drift.
his attention's out yonder,
his discourses wander:
""i'm excursive,"" he claims. ""it's a gift.""
"
"a direct light is harsh, even mean;
we'll reflect it instead off a screen.
and with two mature leads,
this will fill the shot's needs?
gentle bounce light will soften the scene.
"
"certain concepts are set in the brain.
they're assumed; you'd dispute them in vain.
in forensics, tacticians
use presuppositions.
their enthymemes leave out what's plain.
"
"she's an earth goddess, zaftig and stout,
well-upholstered and padded throughout.
is she fertile? why ask?
sure, she's up for the task,
and maternal ? what woman's about.
"
"there's careenage close by, so don't dock her.
instead, let's go beach her and chock her.
once her hull has been cleaned
and her prop's been machined,
we'll get plastered, then paint and re-stock her,
"
"applied arts produce items we use,
from teapots to toques to tattoos.
one aesthetically pleasing
device is for squeezing;
another's for polishing shoes.
"
"bored commuters want something to read,
because eye contact's foolish, indeed.
subway ads do the trick.
car card messages stick.
riders notice them; that's guaranteed.
"
"a scheduling conflict's a pain:
for my barbecue, god scheduled rain,
so i chose a new date;
bad idea, tempting fate?
an earthquake! god's yanking my chain.
"
"this fungus tastes great; have a seat?
so like poultry you might think it's meat.
fully cooked, it's the goods:
sauteed chicken of the woods
fried with shallots and eggs is a treat.
"
"in a rut? under stress? reassess.
sample ranch life, kick back, decompress.
ride our ranges, unwind;
leave the pressure behind.
at estancias dudes convalesce.
"
"that mushroom with gills 'neath its cap
could be yummy but might be a trap.
so you're famished? voracious?
that thing's agaricaceous,
and may start a permanent nap.
"
"""that's a conodont, son, like an eel.""
""sure, he's skinny, but how does he feel?
what's he feeling within?""
""he's just teeth and some skin,
son?extinct. he's not even a meal.""
"
"mom's kitchen, of town-wide repute,
smells of chocolate and sugary fruit.
with no thought of rejections,
mom whips up confections.
for blood drives, mom helps to recruit.
"
"look, i know what i'm talking about,
and balloon sleeves are full, and puff out,
gathered back at the cuff.
see, i've studied this stuff.
about fashion i'm rarely in doubt.
"
"""this airmail's been canceled, defaced,""
said the dealer with open distaste.
""careful folks who collect stamps
find ways to protect stamps.
let a stamp do its job? that's a waste.""
"
"while prime is the beef world's rolls royce,
most market displays feature choice.
though you might not reject
the less tender select,
if it's standard, speak up, raise your voice.
"
"grab a nap, man, it's not worth the money.
you're in line for a stroke?it's not funny.
better learn how to stop
or you'll blow and just drop.
do you think you're the energizer bunny?
"
"""go west!"" i could use a few breaks,
so i moved to the coast from the lakes.
california's sure nice,
but life here has a price?
lots of brush fires, mudslides and quakes.
"
"call her liveable, sexy or quaint,
hot and humid's the only complaint.
y'all come by, you'll agree:
lovely charleston, s. c.
lives genteelly, with southern restraint.
"
"moving here was one stupid mistake?
so inhumanly hot, for god's sake,
it could saut? your brain.
man, i'd murder for rain.
in this hellhole, i'm just gonna bake.
"
"when we write to give history a face,
every age has a soul to embrace:
use its clothing and food
to help capture a mood.
it's a day in some quaint time and place.
"
"what a vision! the poor man was thrown:
such perfection, to him, was unknown,
and his praise waxed vociferous:
""the girl's angeliferous;
i'm aiming to make her my own.""
"
"your antipathy still going strong?
you have hugged that ambition too long.
the dang milk is long spilt;
i ain't 'fessin' to guilt,
but we're sisters. this business is wrong.
"
"her doberman often looks vicious?
always slavering, snarling: ambitious.
she says, ""bobo's ok,
look, he's desperate to play.""
playing fetch seems a tad injudicious.
"
"""your dockage,"" i said, ""is expensive.""
the owner seemed hurt and defensive:
""we're well-lit and patrolled,
all our moorings pre-sold,
and our service is quite comprehensive.""
"
"""there's no place like home."" that's a given
to those with a nice place to live in.
it's a doctrine espoused
by the comfortably housed,
and a dream by which others are driven.
"
"connie's crawling about on all fours,
ass expansive as all of outdoors,
and so broadly attractive.
my fancies grow active.
i love when my wife does her chores.
"
"first, the ass couldn't stay on his feet.
now he's airing his paunch in the street.
wasted drunk, wasted date,
and it's not even late!
he's passed out; now my evening's complete.
"
"you're my daughter's custodian?please,
don't invest her estate overseas
(europe's bound to collapse).
buy her bullion, perhaps.
and, as always, provide expertise.
"
"don't like counting by twelves? don't despair.
clocks and calendars? granted, they're there.
and in tolkien's works, elvish
is partially twelve-ish,
but dozenal system's are rare.
"
"although turkish dominion's decreased,
and the ottoman empire's deceased,
nations bound to that past
make its legacy vast:
the crescent holds sway in the east.
"
"your beau's on the lam now, my dear.
now he's out among the willows, i fear.
that won't always be true, though;
he'll hie home to you? though
perhaps he'll just flat disappear.
"
"her renown, it appeared, was well-founded:
she was shrill; every note just rebounded.
ethel practicing scales,
not god scraping his nails?
calliopean conveys how she sounded.
"
"springfield's growing beyond recognition.
we're planning a valley addition.
the indian mounds
must remain out of bounds.
let 'em rest?best not fight superstition.
"
"in your sculptures, shaped land plays a part;
call it earthworks, or land or earth art.
fashion woodpiles and mounds,
sculpt the ground that surrounds
as it moves you?just follow your heart.
"
"from their shells, chicks will chip themselves loose,
then each egg tooth's no longer of use.
in two or three weeks,
the ""teeth"" fall from their beaks:
one-use gifts from the chicks' mother goose.
"
"read the eddas, be versed in the norse.
for their myths, they're a great basic source.
here are tales of creation,
the gods of their nation.
learn icelandic; they're part of the course.
"
"see her ankling slow 'cross the floor?
there goes someone i'd pay to explore;
guys like me can't be choosy.
but i'm sluggish and boozy?
ain't budged yet. she's walked out the door.
"
"me and blue have a first-rate rapport,
but he can't handle hunts like before.
seems he misunderstands
even basic commands.
old blue's a bit deaf anymore.
"
"i have mischief to do, things to hide;
lavish light and my works would collide.
so i always make certain
no chink mars my curtain.
i thrive where it's dusky inside.
"
"entertainment's malicious and lewd;
what's promoted as art is just crude.
these degenerate times
even legalize crimes:
grab your hash and stroll publicly nude.
"
"my grandma espouses donations
to a few ""save the wombat"" foundations.
but her fundraising trails
what's collected for whales;
seems cetaceans rule public relations.
"
"this'll kill me. i'm well past my peak.
i've been backing and forthing all week.
the wife's belly's expanding;
she's growing demanding?
gotta shop till her womb springs a leak.
"
"what a party! a howling success!
its environs were trashed, in a mess:
clothing swung in the breeze;
folks passed out in the trees,
all in varying states of undress.
"
"with life's pressures and meds, for pete's sake,
proper treatments are no piece of cake.
disarrayed and distraught,
you're a chaos of thought,
and that busy brain keeps you awake.
"
"your style is too florid, ornate;
not a notion's portrayed for us straight.
it's characteristic
of prose euphuistic,
four centuries cold, out-of-date.
"
"i've come into my grandpop's estate,
and there's tons of great stuff on my plate.
no more scrabbling about?
gonna wear myself out:
eat unwisely, live large, procreate.
"
"having hitherto followed the plow,
self-sufficiency's served us erenow.
but, though born to the grange,
let us not shun the strange:
we can change? when the lord shows us how.
"
"the champagne-yellow fine coral sand
borders palms overarching the strand.
with no bills still to pay,
troubled past washed away,
she'll be eating right out of my hand.
"
"hunted down and at last brought to bay,
the buck flags near the close of the day.
this magnificent beast
will be trophy and feast.
though defiant, he won't walk away.
"
"assessing this find was a pleasure;
the old masters bring joy beyond measure.
these fine brushstrokes make clear
that you've found a vermeer:
a mature work, it's surely a treasure.
"
"her evening gown stretched to the floor,
so all wondered whose pumps the star wore:
bruno maglis or choos?
perhaps blahnik's chic shoes.
stunning threads?but they'd kill to see more.
"
"we've returned from the chase in dismay:
one more damned uncooperative prey.
still, our din was appalling:
the hound pack, all bawling,
announced us from far, far away.
"
"many settlers' resolve seemed to wane
when a barber blew in off the plain.
its winds laden with ice
made the stubborn think twice
and thirst for the sweet summer rain.
"
"i eschew all established beliefs;
i've got stockpiles of grumbles and beefs.
never charge me to choose;
why need either side lose?
i'm commando?not boxers or briefs.
"
"how you egotize each time you speak
of your intellect, genes or physique!
but, you back-number bully,
ersatz monty woolley,
in truth you're a useless antique.
"
"all our cheddars are justly renowned,
and they're comminuted: sold coarsely ground.
a few fussbudgets grumble,
""good cheese shouldn't crumble.""
they're banished; we don't fool around.
"
"you're illogical, loud and abrasive;
his argument's sharp and persuasive.
you've shown you can't top it,
so shut up and drop it.
those quibbles are simply evasive.
"
"paki-bashing's still heard in some pubs,
china-bashing in upper-crust clubs.
guiltless people, you'll find,
are insulted, maligned.
it's as cruel as face-to-face snubs.
"
"it's our cradle of civilization,
where our cultures were born, our foundation:
the hot fertile crescent,
where conflict's incessant
for a slice of the world's prime location.
"
"he left norway, but longed for this dish;
now he's failing, his one final wish
is the best bismarck herring?
his taste is unerring?
it's a salt-cured and seasoned small fish.
"
"a squirrel's chiropodous?see?
hand-like paws help him cling to a tree.
but his scaling demands
overreach human hands,
which are all that the lord's given me.
"
"we've measured it chronogrammatically:
the speed record's broken emphatically.
this timing device
beyond doubt is precise.
our design team's carousing ecstatically.
"
"fame's demanding; why try to deny it?
obscurity draws me? i'll try it?
simply fade from the scene,
find a modest routine,
live in cipherdom: humble and quiet.
"
"my refinishing job is critiqued:
""look, the varnish is pitted and streaked,
and in some spots, it's missing.
it's ruined by cissing.
disastrous!"" she's more than just piqued.
"
"the line's cancrine?the same either way.
in reverse, it will still have its say.
thoughts set down palindromically
speak twice, economically?
doubled back?notions twice on display.
"
"our best striker's a sought-after chap?
one more game overseas, one more cap.
international matches?
great stature attaches.
all his caps keep our team on the map.
"
"he asserted each stance and ideal
in a lively exhortatory spiel.
how he gestured and flailed
till at last i prevailed:
""c'mon, gramps, keep one hand on the wheel.""
"
"why the hell won't you eat my beef stew?
now it's greens, which you chew and you chew.
time alone on the range
has effected a change.
i'm fed up ? you're beginning to moo.
"
"baconians pooh-poohed the bard:
he was common and playwriting's hard.
their acceptable source?
francis bacon, perforce?
left his cipher? a groundless canard.
"
"i'm downfield; my defender is beat.
and then, twisting, i leap off my feet;
once the ball's in my hands,
there's a roar from the stands.
execution: this pass is complete!
"
"they were still a redoubtable threat
till at last, at culloden, they met,
and the jacobites fell:
bonnie charlie, farewell.
have the stuarts returned? uh, not yet.
"
"jules prepared oven-baked escargot,
and his dish of hot snails stole the show.
on his counter's a clutter:
shallots minced in butter?
and garlic! too much? i don't know.
"
"with their faith deeply-felt and full-fledged,
scottish covenanters solemnly pledged:
presbyterians all,
they would heed the lord's call?
unevasively dour, unhedged.
"
"i was fervent back then, far away:
absolutely involved, engag?.
how i marched and protested,
sat in, got arrested.
i won't join a book club today.
"
"there's that fuzzy-assed zoo escapee,
dasypygal, with butt hair for three.
he's dropped trou at my pub,
mooned the rotary club?
i suspect the freak lives in a tree.
"
"disputatious, eristic old fool!
when he's present i can't keep my cool.
if god told him, ""you're wrong!""
he'd keep coming on strong,
just as stubborn and dense as a mule.
"
"when your action's becoming intense,
a brief cutaway heightens suspense,
keeps them hungry for more.
cut to clothes on the floor?
a few frames, and your payoff's immense.
"
"demulcent in words and in tone,
he can calm us clear down to the bone.
life is always less bleak
once we've heard father speak.
he assures us we're never alone.
"
"with dysthymia, bleakness persists.
this depression hangs tough; it resists
the elixir of time.
and the comeback's a climb
plagued by dark, deleterious mists.
"
"a desire path appears in the snow
and pedestrian choice runs the show,
shows us how folks behave.
only then do we pave?
place to place, easy come, easy go.
"
"we retired to our country retreat
once the homestead, at last, was complete,
by the spring-water branch
babbling straight through our ranch.
we've worked hard, but these bounties are sweet.
"
"once a long-practiced masonry trick:
much timber's worked into the brick.
thus, by bond timbers strengthened,
a wall might be lengthened.
these timbers were hewn rather thick.
"
"this channel runs chilly and bold,
but i've promises yet to uphold.
i'll be first in her bed
if i swim it, she said.
keep it warm, doll; at ""bed"" i was sold.
"
"this binder leaf smells like old leather;
it's gone stale in our stretch of dry weather.
great cigars are an art.
binders hug a smoke's heart:
it's caressed, not just trussed up together.
"
"i don't treat our relationship lightly,
nor loaf about looking unsightly.
i've kept friends at arm's length,
'cause i'm saving my strength,
and i channel my energies nightly.
"
"we're as ethnically mixed as can be
here on avenues a, b and d:
good old alphabet city,
new york. yes, we're gritty?
never boring, though, take it from me.
"
"you've prepared, and know what to expect.
call your witness, begin the direct:
examination-in-chief.
get your facts but be brief.
true conviction's the mood you'll project.
"
"archeosophy welds intuition
to the study of ancient cognition.
this ethereal science
promotes an alliance
of logic with faded tradition.
"
"coming out's a huge social event.
it's big doings (live band and a tent).
there are shifting tableaux
of young belles and their beaux,
unconcerned with how much has been spent.
"
"wow, yesterday's storm was a blinger,
a once-in-a-lifetime humdinger.
myself and my lover
were caught without cover.
we're cool, but we've been through a wringer.
"
"i don't buy all that crap, ""less is more"";
rubenesque broads are what i adore.
like some bedroom mahout,
i love poking about.
pillowed pulchritude's great to explore.
"
"a top cat skinner knows his machine,
tread to tread, and the guts in between.
ever drawn to his 'dozer,
like a sweetheart, he knows her.
their bladework's so smooth it's obscene.
"
"living loose, no excuse, running wild,
you're too bronco to be with my child.
i'll admit it's alarming
she finds you so charming,
but she's young, overwhelmed and beguiled.
"
"some traditions i wouldn't oppose;
i'd be breeding a scab on my nose.
there are those who might balk
at such mutinous talk.
i dissent, but i'm loath to disclose.
"
"the dastardly villain's portrayed
wildly wielding his excurvate blade,
its edge cleaving the air.
but the good guy won't scare?
he's not there to be diced and filleted.
"
"this bunkhouse is just for us men.
it's our boar's nest, so scat, you fool hen!
no one here needs no strife
with the bossman's son's wife?
better lonesome than time in the pen.
"
"not an egg since? well, i don't know when:
she's a boarder, that empty old hen:
purely peckin' and poop,
wasted space in the coop.
let's have soup; she'll be useful again.
"
"anastomotically joining its courses,
smaller rivulets share a stream's forces,
divide waters about,
and a delta spreads out ?
quite a journey from where that stream's source is.
"
"school is out, so let's throw us a bash.
i can brace uncle buck for the cash.
though old buck's no soft touch,
i won't ask him for much?
just remind him he flashed me his stash.
"
"it's an evening of opera?my choice,
for productions, but, oh, for the voice.
the libretto?the book?
rarely grabs me. my hook
is the music. in that i rejoice.
"
"listen closely, a bug in your ear?
some advice that could save your career:
the director despises
unwelcome surprises.
it's suicide; don't interfere.
"
"there's a bug up his ass about fries:
all the best ones he'd criminalize.
while he's rich and persistent,
i'm perverse and resistant.
""those potatoes?"" i say: ""jumbo-size!""
"
"he's one helluva bucker, that lennie,
and while simpler than most other men, he
has quite enough brain
to load great sacks of grain,
and he'll tell you his dreams for a penny.
"
"crashing through collyer mansion conditions,
amid all sorts of noxious emissions,
the firefighters grumbled,
searched blindly and stumbled
on tons of long-saved acquisitions.
"
"scotland's brutal, enforced highland clearances
led to cultural loss, disappearances:
humans ousted for sheep
(still, the landlords could sleep).
for the poor, life's about perseverances.
"
"our new baritenor's singing tonight
in otello; his range is just right,
with a little of each,
plus bravura and reach.
he's the company's  new leading light.
"
"it's breezed up; there's a storm heading in.
don't go far, you'll get drenched to your skin.
when the shutters are banging
and drainpipes start clanging,
a nor'easter's about to begin.
"
"with my fishing gear right in the car
loads of angletwitches filling a jar,
i'll be off for some angling
from a bank, my hook dangling
fresh worms?a whole jarful goes far.
"
"from that pulpit appointed for prayer,
compassionless words chill the air:
not the least understanding,
but cold and demanding.
he's a merciless, smug doctrinaire.
"
"i was hauling a dangerous load
when a dust devil hit, so i slowed.
had to focus my mind:
i'd been stricken half blind
by an eyeful of dust from the road.
"
"there's a cellar, if anyone cares:
outside doors, then a short flight of stairs.
once that bulkhead's unlocked
and supplies are restocked,
you'll be set to run catered affairs.
"
"as we'd planned, life was grand?simply splendid.
but we've slipped, clearly whipped?it's all ended.
it's quits; we're dead certain.
we'll move on, draw the curtain,
neither harboring doubt nor offended.
"
"my old pick-up's been beaten and battered,
with both backup lights thoroughly shattered.
in reverse, i still warn
when i lean on my horn,
and just now, seven nuns simply scattered.
"
"our old bullwhacker's out on the road
with the oxen, transporting a load.
they may never get back
by that old, rutted track:
while he slept, it iced up. now it's snowed.
"
"a new age balneologist, she
gets my aura aligned with my qi.
but massage in my bath
can arouse?do the math.
happy endings may come with the fee.
"
"some think alleys mean garbage and fleas,
but in parks, they have bushes and trees.
spend delectable days
in these flower-lined ways,
amid birdsong and soft, fragrant breeze.
"
"my model's a small ?corch?
that shows muscles?no skin's in the way.
it's a flayed human torso,
stripped naked and more so,
but my sculpture's skinned over with clay.
"
"i'm aware it's the mine. i don't care:
goddamned coal powder's filling the air.
i've endured it too long;
breathing bug dust's just wrong.
and i hate what it does to my hair.
"
"they're too careful. they're telling us zip,
so i'm sure there's a bug under the chip.
there's some headache to hide:
the deal's dark, dirty side.
look, they're sweating; i'll bet it's a pip.
"
"yellow bug lights glow, yard after yard,
so our evenings are less often marred.
we relax on a lawn
to which pests aren't drawn,
and returning indoors becomes hard.
"
"some leachings in streambeds down here
would suggest a blind lode should be near.
but before i start digging,
i'll need dozers and rigging,
on credit, i hope, from john deere.
"
"she spoke eloquently, clear and compelling,
so the mob simmered down and stopped yelling.
most relaxed, even smiled,
now entranced and beguiled?
defused, and no longer rebelling.
"
"smell this milk; i've a cold, but i think
this container's beginning to blink.
no, it's not overpowering,
but check if it's souring.
don't wait till the fridge starts to stink.
"
"without straight parts or angles, you'll see:
a curve's easy, point a to point d.
it's a walk in the park?
just a line like an arc.
what's the problem? how tough could that be?
"
"it appears, uncorrupted, ideal:
his eidolon, sans lifeblood, so real.
it's abstraction, that's true,
but a manifest clue
to what mutable solids conceal.
"
"smuggle diamonds? pays well?i might risk it.
i could re-do my bun as a biscuit.
and why would that matter?
it's smaller and flatter.
at check-in, they likely won't frisk it.
"
"they'd resisted spiked plates on their soles
till the falls filled their doubts full of holes.
so the loggers all talked;
now their boots are all calked
(not the best, though, for amorous strolls).
"
"at design sessions known as charettes,
ideas fly; it's as free as it gets.
here all parties involved
may have issues resolved.
pressure's on, but with minimal threats.
"
"now the honor was his, as his right:
pure of heart, he'd be belted in white.
so he knelt by the queen
in this time-honoured scene,
and arose newly dubbed ""belted knight.""
"
"the question's at last been resolved:
the coelacanth's barely evolved?
almost nil, bradytelic?
a true living relic.
but it lives?one more mystery solved.
"
"i can't translate those words, sir, i'm sorry.
these peons are speaking bihari.
and there's no easy fix;
they're provincials ? just hicks ?
but i'm fluent in urdu and dari.
"
"hang propriety! mammon's their creed:
as ye covet, so shall ye succeed.
their monstrous capacity
serves their voracity.
meet the chuzzlewits, champions of greed.
"
"her furnishings? surely a hoot:
room to room, motifs don't follow suit,
like that odd directoire
(neoclassic) boudoir
with its touch of old egypt to boot.
"
"at thirty, boz travels the states.
he would see what delight there awaits.
then american notes
grabs his hosts by their throats,
and twists. such acerbity grates.
"
"i'm unused to this stretch, but i'm learning
about parts where the river is turning:
shorelines steepen each day,
undercut, worn away.
at these cut banks, the water is churning.
"
"as cablecasters, what's our concern?
provide shows for a solid return.
we fill ever more niches,
and in flow the riches.
as we show, so, we've found, shall we earn.
"
"much ado at the office today:
i got called on my lateness, they say.
(i myself missed the fuss,
fast asleep on the bus
while some blabbermouth gave me away.)
"
"his dean martin celebrity roast:
every guest tried to trash him the most.
hearing gibe after gibe
from the rest of his tribe,
he sat smiling?and planned his riposte.
"
"a better mousetrap is always in order,
like our new paper-thin voice recorder:
a delightful device,
and we're cutting our price.
our production's just moved 'cross the border.
"
"shirley's showing?no lies or pretense.
garden's planted?you'd best build the fence:
tie the knot and quit hiding;
it's done, no deciding.
settle down. it's just plain common sense.
"
"""change the baby,"" she called from the door.
he's my boy, so i've managed before.
i inspected his nappy:
as expected, right crappy.
she's come home: ""he's just done a bit more.""
"
"secure viands or yield to starvation.
in each creature lurk seeds of mutation.
joy devolves to divorce.
every race runs its course.
eval statements: all speak of duration.
"
"time to end what your mischief began;
you'll be in for a call-down, my man.
once your pa sees this mess,
you'd best up and confess.
(i'll be gone when the shit hits the fan.)
"
"here's a caution for you: he's no sheep.
try to fleece him, it's you who will weep.
and forget getting cute;
you won't con the old coot,
'cause you can't catch a weasel asleep.
"
"he had glared so, i feared he might hit me.
how expansive of him to admit me!
he'd turned warm and informal;
i thought, ""he's not normal.""
then i offered my hand? and he bit me!
"
"our home's a converted old mill
nestled into the slope of a hill.
the interior's changed:
gussied up, rearranged,
but our ivied old walls?dressed to kill.
"
"simple shoe bomb?i'd made it from scratch;
simple fuse?it would burn with dispatch;
i attempted to light it,
but failed to ignite it:
i struck, but the match wouldn't catch.
"
"there's a mare to be serviced today?
in the air, a provoking bouquet,
so the colt's more than frisky.
don't approach him; it's risky.
when he's cadgy, we keep folks away.
"
"braggadocious? of course, he's my son,
and a truly remarkable one:
though a mere twenty-eight,
he can list every state?
where're you going? i've barely begun.
"
"he'd worked hard, always brought home the bacon
till the night we discovered the break-in.
he won't eat since that theft.
only buzzard bait's left?
skin and bones. he was that badly shaken.
"
"that's a beegum, where honeybees swarm:
hollow tree trunks are best in a storm.
in high season, the hive
is abuzz and alive.
they arrive, clear the decks and perform.
"
"what awaits them each day? bedbug row,
where 'most nothing seems clean but fresh snow,
where all water runs cold,
where you grow too soon old.
a hardscrabble world's all they know.
"
"matthew arnold thought culture supreme?
education's support his life's theme.
his charge: read analytically,
questioning critically;
perfection is more than a dream.
"
"i've been schooled, sir, and well know my duty.
i beg leave to beau betty, your beauty.
get a lady home whole
is a gentleman's role.
but i'll need self-control. she's a cutie.
"
"before long, early snows will appear,
so the season of beefing is here:
poorer grazing, froze water?
time to sell them to slaughter.
raising steers is a hard-nosed career.
"
"poor penelope! all the kids tease her.
it's those wide, hairy holes on her beezer.
called ""cave snout,"" ""miss furry,""
she decamps in a hurry
to weep softly where nobody sees her.
"
"hubby's working three jobs for you, honey?
to provide you with  oodles of money?
the guy loves you that much?
doesn't that beat the dutch?
dump the dork; now i'm sure something's funny.
"
"on a fortunate night, i give thanks
for the spuds buried loosely in banks.
then i burrow to ""borrow""
my meals for tomorrow,
to fatten my flea-ridden flanks.
"
"we've had biblical rain?it's torrential,
and the high-water rise? exponential.
take emergency measures:
grab totable treasures.
evacuation at once is essential.
"
"you shrug, ""just a pimple."" get real!
that abscess has started to beal.
you're too cool and collected.
your neck is infected!
that gross-out has ruined my meal.
"
"wrought iron's functional, jack, and no fooling;
it's our baker's rack, mainly for cooling:
there's a load of fresh pies
and warm bread, some supplies.
get a hold of yourself. jack, you're drooling.
"
"if they backlight my hair, it will glow,
like a knoll with a dusting of snow.
to the photo's beholder,
i'll look rather older?
an effect i'd prefer to forgo.
"
"we're in trouble, and guess what to thank:
the economy's gone in the tank.
we'll abandon construction,
due to funding reduction.
our project's now owned by some bank.
"
"we're not rich here, but holding our own.
wish the mayor would leave us alone:
promised jobs, renovations
come with loss, confiscations
once we're labeled an enterprise zone.
"
"if we balance, we'll pass with facility,
though this stretch isn't known for tranquility.
wipe that fear from your face.
help us out, throw a brace:
use your paddle to give us stability.
"
"yankee blue bellies, pack up and git!
northern manners and cussin' ain't fit.
y'all run off at the mouth
after scorchin' the south.
we'll surrender, but never submit!
"
"i'll bear off, so i don't scrape that boulder.
current's strong, so i'll brace with my shoulder?
it worked, as expected,
but still, i'm dejected:
my aches say i am getting older.
"
"""keep your paws off that chuck box, you swine!""
roared the cook at the front of the line.
he'd just gotten a shipment
of kitchen equipment.
""the box and what's in it are mine.""
"
"careful probing uncovers what's true
as the sunshine evaporates dew.
therefore, lie, if you will:
it may serve you, until
what is genuine slowly shows through.
"
"no more airlines? we used to have three.
without service, this town's up a tree.
but their only concern's
their diminished returns?
it's abandonment, plain as can be.
"
"cleveland amory managed affairs
by assuming curmudgeonly airs.
while he published dim views
of the arts and the news,
he'd an animal advocate's cares.
"
"first reaping's been carted away.
nothing's left for a roll in the hay,
but i'm not feeling blue,
'cause an aftercrop's due?
one more chance to lead leila astray.
"
"i insulted my barber one day,
and soon had the devil to pay.
the man butchered my hair;
that's a rug, now, up there.
i call it my ""devil toupee.""
"
"best be watchful: she's crashing from speed.
she's lethargic?with her, guaranteed:
she'll be coming down hard,
darkly moody and scarred,
still enslaved by her one desperate need.
"
"i keep seeing your cinnamon hair:
sunset auburn?a color so rare.
in the ghost light of dawn,
you're beside me; i'm drawn,
but too quickly, you melt in the air.
"
"sell your properties fast: save your skin!
brickor mortis has clearly set in.
all the agents keep trying,
but no one is buying.
some fat cats are stylishly thin.
"
"common shoppers assume they're debris:
scrip or coin-like, some once came for free.
""little billboards,"" they're named
(i've my finest ones framed).
exonumia fascinate me.
"
"is a driver dog-tired, overweight?
we're his back-ups, we all can relate.
maybe dozens of trucks
lined up nicely, like ducks?
we're a convoy at work, hauling freight.
"
"i'd greatly admire to know why
she eludes me; what does that imply?
does my wooing technique
arouse nothing but pique?
just a smile, and i'd curl up and die.
"
"constant boozing earns nothing but scorn;
you were drunk, dad, the day i was born.
there'll be time for contrition,
but first your admission:
it's time to acknowledge the corn.
"
"""calm down,"" my wife whispered emphatically.
""get a grip; you're behaving erratically:
unpredictably loopy,
on a cloud, then dead droopy.""
she then kissed me and stormed out dramatically.
"
"it's a dress, no armani creation:
an ephemeral empty sensation.
but, designed for that rich,
little talentless bitch,
it's already inspired imitation.
"
"it's from elsewhere, this boulder of gneiss?
from the catskills, to be more precise.
though it's presently static,
this glacial erratic
once cruised on a great sheet of ice.
"
"please excuse me?may i interject?
is this woman you hope to elect
one we'll come to admire,
who'll stand firm under fire?
our choice must exact great respect.
"
"stop asserting it's too much to ask,
'cause i'm equal, i'm sure, to the task.
let's begin; ring the bell.
i'm as thirsty as hell.
fifteen minutes? i'll down the whole cask.
"
"with each episode, ella's aggression
succumbs less and less to suppression.
each occasion makes clearer
that day's drawing nearer?
we'll call for some skilled intercession.
"
"the exasperated look in his eye
says he's stymied; this never will fly.
though she pleased him?a lot,
his composure is shot,
so he's bade the whole business goodbye.
"
"strolling easy where pinecones abound,
our emotions unvoiced but profound,
we're away from the crowd,
walking light on a cloud,
where diddledees carpet the ground.
"
"spiteful claggart's death also killed hope:
budd was tongue-tied?too flawless to cope.
faced with evil, words failed him;
claggart smiled when budd nailed him,
leaving vere with no choice but the rope.
"
"no more fire, no glamour, no glow:
we were done, and i knew i should go.
so i gave her my yacht,
and a generous pot.
she was stunned, but it cushioned the blow.
"
"arching upward, the gateway's embowed.
it acclaims the old pioneer road.
a burgeoning nation
passed the future location
of this vaulted steel span, this great ode.
"
"from the andes to falklands, behold:
the diddle-dee takes on the cold.
on stone slopes and flats,
it forms low-growing mats.
ornamental? by some it's extolled.
"
"our exiguous share of the crop
didn't bring very much at the shop:
a rough tick for our bed,
needed dry goods and thread,
and for timmy, a store-bought'n top.
"
"because overhead costs are immense
for  a trucker, it's plain common sense:
a return bonus load,
just one more, for the road.
a good backhaul defrays the expense.
"
"peel it off, press it on. it can't hurt.
keep in mind, though, it's tough to revert.
ecologically ""green""?
no, but easy to clean:
contact paper protects things from dirt.
"
"even basics escaped him at school.
now he can't bell a buzzard, the fool.
yet he's fathered a brood,
so i'd have to conclude
that he's found the right slot for his tool.
"
"""this law's constitutionally sound,""
said the president, standing his ground.
if the court disagrees,
he'll be down on his knees
begging congress to help him rebound.
"
"the cute bottlenose (butt-'em-nosed) dolphin:
his play can be rougher than rolfin'.
harbor porpoises? toast ?
flipped from pillar to post.
but who knows? could be dolphin-style golfin'.
"
"i set off to buy dry goods in town,
but the merchant adjudged me a clown
(i was wet and bedraggled).
we're poor, so i haggled,
and stubbornly bantered him down.
"
"though the asking price keeps on ascending,
the search for our love nest is ending:
a colonial mansion
with room for expansion.
a major expenditure's pending.
"
"kid behind me keeps smacking her lips,
and in front, they're all champing on chips.
at a flick, ask for quiet?
i wouldn't dare try it.
damn the teen talk and loud, vapid quips.
"
"told my faithful old gardener, zed,
""angel's trumpets would brighten that bed.""
i envisioned a bower
of the pink, cone-shaped flower.
sweet bawds grace my chambers in stead.
"
"what a workout! i really should shower,
but i'm late?been ""at lunch"" for an hour.
it's a cat bath for me:
soap and rinse, one-two-three,
some cologne and i'll smell like a flower.
"
"there's a chance we can still right this ship,
but let's face it, your weeping means zip.
we're not here to test tissue,
so don't cloud the issue.
face it squarely. good lord, get a grip!.
"
"""damaged goods,"" people say, ""not all there,
she's endured way too much wear and tear?
first one creep, and then others,
her old man, then her brothers?
deeply wounded and lost in despair.""
"
"renovations meant toting out trash.
now my yard sports a big, nasty brash.
oh, the names i've been called!
could have junked it, but stalled.
want it gone, folks? then cough up some cash.
"
"it's near christmas?a few days before.
ragged belsnickel stops at your door.
do you dare ask him in?
well, how good have you been?
well-behaved? you'll have presents galore.
"
"a cadogan's an odd sort of teapot:
upside-downish, with no lid we see pot.
i once learned from the telly
it's filled through its belly,
this petite, two for tea, rather wee pot.
"
"granny's ackempucky's never been bland.
it's prepared with whatever's to hand
and delectable spices.
the aroma entices.
each creation's unique and unplanned.
"
"i'm an everyday book-buying chap,
taken in by co-edited crap:
great, dull tomes that sustain
every bookstore and chain.
where there's style, it's all over the map.
"
"if we smarten this flat, do our ""dance,""
then this cosmetized deal stands a chance.
so it's falling apart?
with some paint and wall art,
we'll sign them and get their advance.
"
"a bullbat eats insects that fly;
like a namesake, it sups while on high.
though a nighthawk's no bat
(or a bull, come to that),
it booms as it zooms through the sky.
"
"certain hosts one should not underrate.
ever see william buckley debate?
he'd be warm and polite?
and eternally right?
only victims stepped up to that plate.
"
"this script's clever, but lacks believability.
it's rank nonsense that cells harm fertility.
then some entrepreneur
doles them out to the poor?
hell, it's congress that fosters sterility.
"
"my alerter's a sort of alarm
engineered to keep train crews from harm:
if i'm not at the stick,
it will throttle down quick.
if it fails, though, we're buying the farm.
"
"get some wall anchors, then we'll proceed:
hanging shelving, choose strength over speed.
an expansion bolt's grip
is unlikely to slip.
maybe twenty?that's all we should need.
"
"city beautiful's social reforms
made safe housing and hygiene the norms.
the goal of this movement
was moral improvement
among burgeoning working class swarms.
"
"""your engine block's cracked; she's a goner?
i swear,"" he said, ""grease monkey's honor.
she won't run now, she's scrap.
(man, these yugos were crap.)
what a heap! where'd you happen upon 'er?""
"
"""rub on elemi oil for complexion
or steam it for chest-based infection.""
just a tad oversold?
hype it right and it's gold.
there's no resin consumer protection.
"
"building here was an awful mistake;
blind mosquitoes won't cut us a break.
there are shore-to-shore clouds
of these chizzywinks?crowds
of white midges that blanket the lake.
"
"an achievement holds more than one's shield.
our particulars here are revealed,
for the helm shows our rank,
these beasts, whom we thank ?
you may guess why the sea forms our field.
"
"though i know he's earned cottage decrees,
he's developed old-timer's disease.
those are eggcorns at work,
meant to fetch forth a smirk?
misconstructions. now, cut to the cheese.
"
"tucson's searing the soles of my feet,
so, near noon, i head in off the street.
in the shade's where i'll linger,
not moving a finger?
a conditioned response to the heat.
"
"tiny chitterdiddles chirping all night
spread their gossip with cheerful delight.
summerlong they reveal:
katy did it? for real!
katy did! and we doubt she's contrite.
"
"sarge was stewing. here's how we could tell:
gone his swagger, his chevron as well.
it was pulled from his sleeve ?
sort of absent on leave ?
replaced by a slim chevronel.
"
"what keeps growing will never decay;
we aggrandize, or else waste away.
expansionism rules!
its opponents are fools.
deny destiny? perish the day!
"
"""your veggies will thrive,"" grandma said,
""if companion plants grow in your bed.
since before i was born,
beans were planted with corn.
no bare earth?plant with clover instead.""
"
"get a move on, stop dawdling about.
we were spotted last night; there's no doubt.
the insurgents have found us;
by noon they'll surround us,
so, emergently?time to bug out.
"
"i'll truck home in a convoy with flair,
in the center, the old easy chair,
nice and safe, unexposed,
'cause our backdoor is closed.
biggest threat's from a bear in the air.
"
"they traveled the california trail;
some would enter their dreams and some fail.
fighting sorrow and trials,
they'd trudge two thousand miles
to this place where hard toil might prevail.
"
"caught flat-footed, stuck for an answer,
i've been beckoned then kissed by ""my"" dancer.
sure, i've watched her all night
in the club's lambent light.
now i'm stunned by the chance to romance her.
"
"in act two, while he's ranting nonstop,
and his insults are over the top,
at that point, cue the trap
so he's plunged through the gap?
but be certain he stands on that drop.
"
"as, alarmingly, peer gynt advanced,
en arri?re?moving rearward?she danced.
she drew quickly away
with a graceful chass?.
her pursuer stood rooted?entranced.
"
"no matter whose gardens they roam,
when my honeybees buzz from their home,
they will not go astray.
something shows them the way
unerringly home to their comb.
"
"the marsupial dibbler is found,
if at all, amidst leaves on the ground,
but he sleeps when it's light,
and emerges at night
to seek dinner by scrounging around.
"
"in intense purple plush, he was draped;
'gainst the tempests and rains he was caped.
once he strode into view
in this rich, royal hue,
people froze, struck a pose or just gaped.
"
"here's a job that provides you autonomy
(ivory towerish, much like astronomy),
biochemical science,
but with narrow appliance:
the profession of chemotaxonomy.
"
"""those embattled guys must have been nude.
dad, is that why he called this bridge rude?""
""no, damn sure they were right ?
they were ready to fight.
and the bridge? well, it's roughly built, crude.""
"
"conditions affect vegetation:
ups and downs through the years?annuation.
when you've got things together:
six months of dry weather.
(farm success goes beyond cultivation.)
"
"i've employed conjurations and potions
in my efforts to stir her emotions.
but she's not apathetic,
just deeply ascetic.
who am i to deny her devotions?
"
"ceilings painted di sotto in s?
may deceive with a 3d-like view.
their foreshortened perspective
is very effective:
no ceiling?we're gazing right through.
"
"""not?a bang, but a whimper,"" he wrote.
those few words had the world by the throat.
t. s. eliot knew us,
in fact, saw right through us:
we'd end bitterly ? hell of a note!
"
"our eight crew's in winning condition,
the bow to the stroke seat position.
""top shell in the race,""
says each confident face?
and the cox is a master tactician.
"
"our cedar's gone brash, it's so dry.
summer heat's turned it brittle; that's why.
this old wood's bound to splinter,
and won't last the winter.
fresh cherry is growing nearby.
"
"confronted with stone formed from mud,
a diluvialist might blame a flood:
""this terrain underwent
an extensive event.""
to most others, the theory's a dud.
"
"saying ""hell"" was, to grandpa, taboo;
""go to ballyhack"" always would do.
we who'd roused the old gent
knew at once what he meant
and, respectfully, meekly, withdrew.
"
"i've mishandled my store's stock of bries?
ever smell an ammoniated cheese?
that stale urine-like stink
caused my nostrils to shrink.
i'll bone up on my cheese expertise.
"
"by the ruins of ancient cyrene,
in libya, lynn tried linguini.
""sic transit?,"" she thought,
""once on top, come to nought.""
then she ordered another martini.
"
"now, jarheads?get down on your knees.
use entrenching tools, dig your abris.
get it cracking, like moles,
on your personal holes.
not too cramped, boys; leave space for your fleas.
"
"one more lodgepole stacked up in a deck?
men at work keeping nature in check.
lumber fresh from the felling
is not as compelling.
see it all without craning your neck.
"
"drowsy days at your desk?what a deal!
better stir or your blood might congeal.
get to work and collapse
into salaried naps.
you chairwarmers legally steal.
"
"an analphabet knocked at my door
seeking tutelage?hard to ignore.
every day she returned,
and in no time she'd learned
how to read?now it's books by the score.
"
"your kitchen's a mess?better clean it;
it's as filthy as ever i've seen it:
my inspection's just found
bits of bread all around.
when i call something crumby, i mean it.
"
"while he toils at the dull, bureaucratic,
he wishes for life more chromatic.
but his past so pathetic
seen in visions eidetic,
intense and exact, leaves him static.
"
"they've an alchemy; wedded, they're gold,
an astonishing pair to behold.
what a chemistry's there!
otherworldly? i swear?
no one's that good; my blood's running cold.
"
"lighten up, hon, you look broken-hearted.
you've glimpsed his first sketch?he's just started.
that's a basic esquisse;
give the artist some peace.
that expression! like someone's just farted.
"
"our great leader's not known for his tact;
when he speaks ex cathedra, we act.
when that office proposes,
no sane soldier dozes:
all rush to turn concept to fact.
"
"certain therapies draw patients out,
and for demons go questing about?
for results abreactive,
hard-won and attractive?
cathartic, they feel, beyond doubt.
"
"how delicious to watch the au pair
dust the knickknacks on that etagere.
as she reaches and bends,
clothing dips and ascends,
but i'm stuck in this chair? c'est la guerre!
"
"floating dead, in the mists and the gloom,
the once mighty have all met their doom.
like huge water-borne rugs,
the felled lodgepoles and dougs
are corralled by a log-and-chain boom.
"
"my new co-star is sure to beguile:
natural equipoise, balance and style?
debonair, even cool,
till that edge made me drool.
he'll stop hearts with that devilish smile.
"
"their brochure came; the pitch promised pleasure:
""we'll regale you with joys beyond measure.""
such sumptuous vices,
such exorbitant prices?
that spa was commodified leisure.
"
"here's our color choice?very extensive,
and our card stock you won't find expensive.
great for bright, sturdy menus
for food service venues
and posters. we're quite comprehensive.
"
"between sourdough crusts, like a pie,
golden pastry cream beckons the eye
(or a jam of fresh cherry
or your favorite berry).
it's basque cake for christmas ? stop by.
"
"in the doorway he'd lean on his broom,
his bay window occluding the room.
that commodious gut,
like a belt-girdled hut,
blocked the sunlight?the torso of doom.
"
"anthroponymy studies folks' names:
""far too ethnic,"" one father exclaims?
""that's old-fashioned; too cute;
ugh, they'll think he's a fruit.""
choosing good names is not fun and games.
"
"if you deal with that chap, have a care;
he's got by-ends in mind he won't share.
i don't say he's a crook,
but before you leap, look.
it's too late when you learn in mid-air.
"
"at my desk, i just get borrowed light
from the corridor?distant and slight.
i've been moved from my window;
guess somehow i've sinned?oh,
permit me to prove i'm contrite.
"
"the sporades, early july:
the etesians rose, steady and dry,
blowing straight from the north.
it was time to set forth,
and bid kos a reluctant goodbye.
"
"it's a struggle to stroll up the street
in this rarefied rockies retreat.
public rest rooms and banks
feature oxygen tanks.
elevation here's twelve thousand feet.
"
"blackened catfish for dinner?again?
a bit bland today; pass the cayenne.
cajun's always in vogue
on this dark-water bogue:
this sweet stream known as bayou duchenne.
"
"it's unusually chilly today:
dogwood winter. still, spring's here to stay.
disconcerting, i know?
there's a dusting of snow.
doesn't god know it's three weeks till may?
"
"""i won lotto,"" she screamed, ""here's the hat
and the uniform?keep it; that's that.""
still elatedly grinning:
""i'm off to go sinning,
then to flop on some beach and get fat.""
"
"it's been talked of, imagined, yes, chased,
called dangerous?finally traced.
now i'm hungry to catch
me a nice bandersnatch
for my stew-pot. i long for a taste.
"
"once a nun, sis would pray for the poor,
but dad disapproved, so he swore:
if she thought she could cloister
herself, he would foist her,
instead, on the poor fool next door.
"
"summer sun turns my yearnings impure:
all that splendid, half-naked allure.
sure, the snuggling's been sweet
in our winter retreat,
but the estival pleasures endure.
"
"once your enemy's jackboot descends,
others turn from you, make no amends.
without wherefore or why,
camaraderies die.
they forsake us, our fair-weather friends.
"
"mud-encrusted and aching for rest,
the survivalists finished their test.
caked in crud from the bog,
tired of eating raw frog,
a hot bath was their urgent request.
"
"we'd be raking it in, ralphie reckoned:
a bonanza for both of us beckoned.
but the scheme ralphie'd sketched
was bizarre and far-fetched,
so i never bought in for a second.
"
"stop your auto-eating. what could it take?
you've just munched your way right through that cake:
so absorbed in tv,
something's gone, 1, 2, 3.
just desist, slap your wrist?take a break.
"
"let's tell sadie, ""go tend to the brute.""
when she blushes, i find it real cute.
he's a ""male-cow"" to sadie,
who's ever the lady.
her propriety's always a hoot.
"
"crowns of sonnets i've laid out before her,
yet she doesn't suspect i adore her.
each byway she frequents
has a poetry sequence,
as do rooms where i long to explore her.
"
"with color her films are replete,
brought to life by real scenes of the street.
not all's comfy and snuggly;
it's been known to get ugly.
several times she's been knocked off her feet.
"
"an egestuous gent is young cuddy,
ever desperate for funds from a buddy,
who, though loath to indict,
still might gently invite
him to toil. is he likely? not bloody.
"
"more canvas! we must have more sail!
grab this wind and i swear we can't fail.
see the genoa fill?
always gives me a thrill.
if we hold thirty knots, we prevail.
"
"from the hollers, from small private stills
comes the finest blockade in these hills.
nothing knocks you flat quicker
than our local corn liquor,
sold in mason jars only?no frills.
"
"if it's feathered, i find it bewitching;
avicultural facts are enriching.
i dig everything bird,
from the tongue to the turd.
sure i raise them. they sing when they're bitching.
"
"babes are nubile, half-dressed and they're free,
and the beer comes in barrels; you'll see.
sure, it's costly, but wait:
dad and state pay the freight.
campus living's the lifestyle for me.
"
"grab a seat, boys, some grub and a beer;
we eat collar and shoulder in here.
meat is fresh off the grill.
don't be shy, eat your fill.
dinners family style ring with good cheer.
"
"women fear, now, to go for a stroll
where this eve-teasing's out of control.
all you motherless slobs,
merely cowards in mobs,
are disgusting! crawl back in your hole.
"
"his intentions, far less than polite,
left her battered and bruised from the fight.
he dismissed her plight breezily:
""you damage too easily.
just relax or you'll ruin my night.""
"
"the huge rig makes a horrible sound
as it corkscrews down deep in the ground.
are they digging a well
or a hallway to hell?
maybe neither, just screwing around.
"
"once onstage, she would gesture and pout,
demonstratively moving about.
with all eyes drawn to her,
something odd would occur:
she'd go still, then turn pale and black out.
"
"""decontrol!"" was the picketers' cry,
as each media anchor swung by.
""about time inner cities
could spend their schools' kitties ?
the community's piece of the pie.""
"
"she was lifeless last night, catatonic.
now she's over-the-top histrionic.
and that spiky green hairdo?
something i'd never dare do.
her conversion's abrupt, chameleonic.
"
"fifty miles, that's about eighty clicks?
we'd hiked eighty hot clicks through the sticks.
what the hell could we say?
the old man led the way.
he's the terror and pride of fort dix.
"
"he's built angularly?jagged and skewed,
lots of knobs where stuff shouldn't protrude.
and the bones of his face
are all over the place.
when he made him, god must have been stewed.
"
"our old causeway will have to be junked;
it's battered and sundered and chunked.
someone started a ferry?
successful? not very.
as a matter of fact, it's defunct.
"
"the law's sponsors are sweating it out,
'cause its constitutionality's in doubt.
it's too late for a deal
once the court's forced repeal.
next election may turn to a rout.
"
"self-denial! we've fasted three days!
now we'll bellycheer: meats and beignets,
cakes and ale for three weeks;
must restock our physiques,
singing lusty and genuine praise.
"
"out of nowhere, the drop landed clean:
under chutes, unimpaired, unforeseen.
troops took up their position,
secure in their mission,
a dangerous well-oiled machine.
"
"""several consonants, grouped, and all sounded
form a cluster,"" he roundly expounded.
""s-p-r, s-p-l,
just enunciate well.
you're assumed to be sharp and well-rounded.""
"
"today's youngsters do not comprehend
that with pennies, we'd plenty to spend.
we would lick, suck or chew
for a brownie or two,
and have extra to share with a friend.
"
"my top candids you'd likely discard.
i just love to catch subjects off-guard.
i've been spurned and attacked
for these photos. in fact,
at my family thanksgivings, i'm barred.
"
"he's a gross-out, disgusting?the pits,
and he's all over pustules and zits,
with a stench-field of feet.
i'll be changing my seat
to as far as this classroom permits.
"
"from aloft, there's a cry, ""thar she blows!""
that's our lookout, a-nestin' with crows.
he's up high on a mast,
so his view's unsurpassed,
but he's chilled from his nose to his toes.
"
"having gone underground in his hole,
he's no longer of use as a mole.
our expedient action
is quiet extraction:
withdraw him; debrief him in seoul.
"
"men, get moving; the troop's reassigned:
the colonel's again changed his mind.
skivvies packed, double-quick,
'cause we march in a tick.
unit equipage follows behind.
"
"our dog doggerel's not very big.
she's pink-snouted and squeals like a pig.
so a canine biologist,
a famous cynologist,
keeps stalking her, watching her dig.
"
"you've got chilblains and warts on your toes;
all that's painful enough,  i suppose.
your long marriage just ended,
credit's overextended.
barking dogs are the least of your woes.
"
"a forestry cruiser's well paid
as he seeks the top vertical grade.
old growth standing tall?
his sharp eye makes the call.
giants fall; he moves on, undismayed.
"
"the big chill limned a whole generation:
grown-up boomers, their angst and stagnation.
what they've sought has been handed them;
here's where it's landed them.
kasdan's story eludes explication.
"
"this great room's a true cabinet of wonders,
of god's triumphs, perhaps, and his blunders.
here are portraits and rings
and strange skeletal things,
all on view at the home of its funders.
"
"anecdotals, not merely statistics,
are the data of ethnolinguistics.
group drives and possessions
create some expressions
defining rough characteristics.
"
"epiclimates take up little space.
they're as small as a leaf's upper face,
tiny gaps in leaf litter,
or the skin of a critter.
mingle climates with me; let's embrace.
"
"careful measurement's always my rule.
this geologist's favorite tool
hits the nail on the head:
strike and dip of a bed?
brunton compass?compact and way cool.
"
"morning gab shows all feature a crawl,
rolling by, often cryptic and small.
mini-headlines onscreen
are a daily routine,
repetitions, weird spellings and all.
"
"hey, cottonhead, what's with your hair?
put a lid on; i'm blinded by glare.
are you freakishly sick,
are you aging too quick,
or just lightheaded?dazed, not all there?
"
"why's the world sucking up to that guy?
'cause he's fabulously wealthy?that's why.
storied fortunes attract,
but why keep them intact?
we all long for a piece of his pie.
"
"dressed in blue jeans, a boy can't go wrong,
'cause they're washable, popular, strong.
if they drag in the dust,
fold 'em up?readjust:
you can cuff 'em when legs are too long.
"
"the grazing's well-nigh given out?
cattle carcasses scattered about.
fourteen months since it's rained;
our capacity's strained.
this die-up is caused by the drought.
"
"with our revenue spent in a flash,
we then borrowed a mountain of cash.
the state watchdogs were dozing;
huge banks started closing.
many concauses led to this crash.
"
"my envelope table's quite clever.
have i wanted one? man, have i ever!
the effect it achieves
with triangular leaves?
as my bridge partner said, ""well, i never!""
"
"our ligaments link us, although
under stress, they'll fatigue and let go.
with the art of desmology
and today's  kinesiology,
we're learning to soften the blow.
"
"by the chesapeake, crabbing is king.
i've found chicken neck bait's just the thing.
soft-shell blue crab's the best:
it's already undressed.
a full crab pot: the bounty of spring.
"
"college grandstands can get like a zoo.
crowds are restless, need something to do.
massive card stunts are neat?
keep each fan by a seat.
tv cameras just eat them up too.
"
"life was hardscrabble, rough at the seams,
but exceptions encouraged their dreams,
and they kept finding flecks:
gold in granules or specks.
there was color in most of the streams.
"
"a wage is commodification,
argue marxists, with much animation.
can one place a true worth
on the salt of the earth
and account for each sweet variation?
"
"he was trained in the indies, correct?
still, a leader in every respect.
though his english is flawed,
his cadetship abroad
nurtured talents we all can detect.
"
"that's a challenger, jack's brand new toy,
because jack's a great big little boy.
""man, this dodge really kicks,""
he says, ""look, a v-6!""
with his cars, jack is not a dull boy.
"
"tread lightly; he's not made of stone.
that last quip cut too close to the bone.
it's your style; he's been taking it.
this time, he's faking it.
he's more fragile than what we've been shown.
"
"once dearborns took toffs around town
to their clubs, there to do it up brown.
from discreet, curtained sides
they'd peek out from their rides,
then genteelly pull up and step down.
"
"i'm torpedoed and, surely, i'm sinking:
someone's messed with my woman, i'm thinking.
she's been acting right weird;
now she's flat disappeared?
a dead cat on the line? and it's stinking.
"
"that farmstand's the savviest one,
their best produce aglow in the sun.
it's so easy to tell
why they're doing so well:
the deaconing's skillfully done.
"
"thank the lord we're arriving home soon;
i'm increasingly bad to hunt coon.
i thought, ""cruisin' at sea?
heck, how rough could it be?""
but for coon hunts it ain't opportune.
"
"she crippled across to me, pleading:
""i'm broke, and my babies want feeding.
sure, it's shameful to beg,
but disease bent my leg.
sir, i merely request what i'm needing.""
"
"dim lamplight?she simply looks faded,
yet she's damaged, distressed and degraded.
add a crosslight; her face
shows the mark of disgrace.
""that's a print!"" the director's persuaded.
"
"in our ocean-wrapped florida keys,
captured sea life's kept fresh as you please,
living large, at their prime
in our crawls, till their time?
crabs and lobsters, alive underseas.
"
"got a gash that you're dying to stanch?
try this poultice with bourbon and branch.
you'll feel better, although
it won't slow down the flow.
still, the crick water's fresh from my ranch.
"
"in her crop top, she strolls up the street,
flaunting acres of of tender young meat.
that taut belly disclosure
subverts my composure:
one look and my heart skips a beat.
"
"though facially, junior's like chip,
from his eyes to that sneer at his lip,
their disparity's clear
once you've seen junior's gear,
which explains why poor chip's lost his grip.
"
"there's this doggery back off the street
where i dock when i need to retreat.
even dark at high noon,
it's a gloomy saloon
known to no one i'd go there to meet.
"
"ergonomically built, lynn's designed
with her new hubby's comfort in mind.
she's god's best engineering;
that's why i'm adhering,
tucked snugly behind her behind.
"
"son, your wife's taking life on the chin,
so step up, help her do for her kin.
they'll need basics and care,
so be patient? be there.
and forbearance is where you begin.
"
"straight vodka's my antifogmatic;
i'm so high now, i'm nearly ecstatic.
morning's misty and damp?
i may still get a cramp,
but my moans won't be too operatic.
"
"at the rail, my habitual space,
i'm methodically doping each race.
that surprise belmont victor?
the long shot? i picked her,
but had her to place? just in case.
"
"in an old part of town, there's a shop
that's called harvester's doohickey crop.
they've a widget: you name it,
it's yours; you can claim it.
need a thingamajig? it's your stop.
"
"he was gone when his home town was sacked,
but we're lucky: his hideout's intact.
with official permission,
we'll search the position.
we await your enabling act.
"
"there were cumulonimbi onshore,
boldly boiling, and hard to ignore.
with the thunderheads growing,
every man jack was rowing,
in awe of what god had in store.
"
"in domestic she dresses each day;
finer fabric's too dear for her pay.
still, luisa looks hot in
that plain-woven cotton?
takes a gentleman's breath clean away.
"
"i'm fed up with these stalls and excuses.
close the door on her constant abuses.
but don't can her?not yet.
i have plans for georgette:
she's a cutie, and may still have uses.
"
"as a grassland ecologist learns,
behind flames, nature's bounty returns.
plants like creosote gone,
denser forage lives on.
through confinement, we manage our burns.
"
"the more money i've got for my brood
the smaller the part used for food.
thus states ernst engel's law.
but i'm hardly in awe,
'cause it took little thought to conclude.
"
"the ad for these boots is a laugh.
they're unyielding, too lifeless by half.
so whatever their claim,
the couturier's name
can't convince me the leather is calf.
"
"on the cooling board, breathless, she lies,
no more flash in her fabulous eyes.
she awaits the mortician?
final act, no audition?
one performance that's all in demise.
"
"an eminento i'll grant he may be,
and a widely esteemed honoree.
does that give him the right
to be damned impolite?
such a poohbah does not impress me.
"
"there's a gap in the sawgrass, nearby.
it's an alligator hole; pass it by.
the voracious creator
is a nasty old gator.
in this marsh, we've an oversupply.
"
"my lost lover's a true enoch arden;
after years, there she stood in my garden,
unchanged and quite well.
where she's been she won't tell.
i don't care, 'cause she still makes me harden.
"
"it's an ecotone here, nature's niche,
between marsh and dry land, and it's rich.
here biota of both
find what's needed for growth,
unconcerned about which niche is which.
"
"simple union, like sandi and sid's,
is an option unburdened by kids.
don't be quick to disparage
companionate marriage:
they just walk if it all hits the skids.
"
"there are crumb-crunchers crowding this dwelling;
how many there are there's no telling:
on the sofas, the floor,
tiny tots by the score,
and wherever you turn, something's smelling.
"
"there goes gramps; he's a bit of a nutter,
like a flash, sleighing by in his cutter.
once docile and sleek,
both are gems past their peak,
slicing snowdrifts like gran slices butter.
"
"smelled you coming an hour ago, bub.
don't just dabble your face, use the tub.
a few splatters of wet
when you're reeking of sweat?
soap your carcass all over, and scrub.
"
"""you're too full, you're a fool,"" she declared.
""i'm so calm i can't come; i'm impaired.""
for the reader who cares,
these show back vowel pairs,
sharply shaped by the tongue and then shared.
"
"with her bobbing, three-step balanc?,
the dancer could clearly portray
(this fine, willowy vision)
a brief indecision?
a moment of peerless ballet.
"
"i've a constant companion in bed;
she's a bottle of sweet dago red,
'cause it's syrupy, cheap,
and it puts me to sleep.
still i long for a woman instead.
"
"they criss-crossed north african sand
and pursued erwin rommel's command.
the great desert rats corps
of the second world war
garnered fame in the few years it spanned.
"
"an old prospector, luke never quit,
but kept scraping the sands. he had grit.
with his desert rat ways,
lucius lived out his days,
rarely speaking: ""a waste of good spit.""
"
"in the background of bonnie and clyde
plays the ""breakdown,"" a wild banjo ride.
'cause a breakdown's a hoedown,
those pickers don't slow down?
dance and drink without breaking your stride.
"
"the odd weather of late's like my life:
satisfactions beleaguered by strife.
i'm on top, but plateauing;
in the sunshine, it's snowing?
guess the devil is beating his wife.
"
"""welcum, genmin,"" he said, with a drawl,
""y'all needs no interduckshun at awl.""
then, as though to confide,
the man gestured inside.
""an' there's wimmin enuff; have a bawl.""
"
"i'm in trouble: my faceprint's on file;
plastic surgery's surely worthwhile.
it's not safe for a thug
with my elegant mug.
time to alter this glorious smile.
"
"time to beef our old milk cow at last.
she produced, but those days are long past.
now, with dairy days through,
she'll be pound steak and stew.
life's a struggle; don't stand there aghast.
"
"family photo: my greek uncle bert,
as an evzone in tights and white skirt.
it reads, ""bert, in the army.""
no way! that's just barmy.
check this out, bro?you'll laugh till you hurt.
"
"""though i ordered the sirloin fillet,""
i said, ""look at it?spongy and gray.
it's a cheap, boggy turd.""
guess my waiter concurred:
not a word?he just whisked it away.
"
"uncle gustav talked nature with ease,
like the latinate labels for trees:
""that's a beech,"" he'd say, ""fagus.""
""sure, whatever you say, gus.
let's move on to the birds and the bees.""
"
"familiarity may ""breed contempt,""
but from that dictum, dear, you're exempt.
in fact, it's alarming:
each day, you're more charming.
for balance, let's both get unkempt.
"
"the result of that public disgrace
was your strikingly swift fall from grace.
once you've bear hugged a creep,
degradation is deep,
and there's permanent egg on your face.
"
"an estate car's thought dull, as a rule,
yet i own one. i'm nobody's fool:
the decision was tactical;
girls think i'm practical,
and the tailgate's seductively cool.
"
"it's exhausting to try to get slim;
i feel fagged from my time at the gym.
it's been worth it, no doubt,
all that hard working out.
she's decided to make me her ""him.""
"
"we're beguiled as she walks through the hall,
a grand entrance all there will recall:
nonchalant and sedate,
and just fashionably late.
we're grateful she's shown up at all.
"
"we've refigured your income tax rates
due to falsification of dates:
one dependent's at least
twenty-two years deceased.
for two decades you've tempted the fates.
"
"preparation?at that i'm past master:
i've a bankroll put by for disaster.
if survival's in doubt,
i can spend my way out,
'cause i don't expect much from the pastor.
"
"unmoved by the narrow, the quaint,
bierstadt trekked to the mountains to paint.
the results were impressive
(although some said, ""excessive"")
and romantic beyond all restraint.
"
"it's got neighborhood, features and space,
and you're sold, by the look on your face.
what they're asking?go higher;
affirm you're a buyer.
a bully offer will buy you the place.
"
"though some close tribal neighbors don't buy it,
exogamy works; they should try it.
but they'd rather buzz cousins,
making brats by the dozens.
and they're ugly. they blame it on diet.
"
"come and live several hours in your dreams,
where, thank god, nothing's quite what it seems.
it's enchantment, fantastic
with thrill rides and plastic?
all giggles and snack foods and screams.
"
"for your hearth-fires, our trees are available;
that old affuage right's unassailable.
so feel free to proceed,
but cut just what you need.
don't get cute: overharvest is jailable.
"
"he was plastered, and boasting nonstop
of the boodle he'd pinched from a shop.
a stenographer heard
and took down every word,
so, when nabbed, he admitted, ""fair cop.""
"
"in boreal climes, it would seem
life's a permanent battle upstream?
intense cold, little light?
mere survival's a fight.
the arctalian world is extreme.
"
"at buffets, eating lightly's taboo:
load it on, take a seat and fall to.
once you've emptied your platter,
restock it, don't chatter;
you can gossip when dinnertime's through.
"
"rank and file we'd stand, stiff, at attention,
resigned?not a whiff of dissension.
then, ""at ease, men, fall out,""
and we'd scatter about,
most to business unworthy of mention.
"
"mind your sass, show respect to your teacher;
hold your tongue in god's house with the preacher.
acting briggity's fitting,
the occasion permitting.
in a squirt, it's a bothersome feature.
"
"what we've learned we can colligate well.
this was planned by the opec cartel:
wells shut down ""for inspection""
just before our election?
price correction; incumbent, farewell.
"
"i need something to clear off the weeds;
a long bush hook should furnish my needs.
its curved blade on a staff
might de-horn a giraffe,
but such creatures don't lurk in my reeds.
"
"our executive wouldn't respond,
claiming privilege. congress was conned.
he'd been ""falsely defamed?
a state secret?,"" he claimed,
""and that bimbo's not naturally blonde!""
"
"they'll be doming our ballpark, at last,
after so many seasons have passed.
bid goodbye to the sky
as we sit, safe and dry,
and the concerts roll in thick and fast.
"
"once, my fan mail poured in by the sack?
posted plaudits, a paper attack.
guess my star's lost its glitter;
groupies tweet me on twitter.
call me bitter, but twitter's just wack!
"
"once you foolishly gave me your all;
once you fatuously lived in my thrall.
i've wised up: i was dumb.
so just whistle; i'll come.
call me bogey; i'll call you bacall.
"
"on the heels of an affluent's death
come the ardent?intense, short of breath.
they appear, fast and furious,
their claims largely spurious,
but designing as lady macbeth.
"
"i'm drowsy and starting to lag
in the dust of the beeves, riding drag,
and the herd has been munchin'
something nasty at luncheon.
in their fart cloud, i'm fixin' to gag.
"
"dirty harry would form no committee
when criminals ravaged his city.
this cop with an attitude,
not seeking gratitude,
acted untempered by pity.
"
"as a cotton box floats down the river
with her hundreds of bales to deliver,
gliding smooth over bars
and watched over by stars,
she'll need all of the wide berth we give her.
"
"in our harvested hayfield one day,
grandpa tripped, and off slipped his toupee.
as he sidestepped a doodle,
he fell on his noodle,
but flinty old gramps was ok.
"
"best move on from that beauty; forget her.
she would eat you alive if you let her.
while appearing delicious,
that harridan's vicious.
you'd rue the dark day that you met her.
"
"it's fakelore, the stuff in these tales?
pecos bill and his storied travails?
just a clever invention
in its every dimension,
but effective. check out the book's sales.
"
"the setting, the music, the wine:
piece by piece it all falls into line.
it's a perfect construction,
this den of seduction?
user-friendly?his grandest design.
"
"""you're ready to enter the lists,""
claims his wife but, averse, he resists.
when the witch tries to force him,
says if not, she'll divorce him,
he unhitches the nag with his fists.
"
"with our sales falling off, we'll go bust,
when but yesterday, we were a must.
we'll be quickly forgotten.
our luck has been rotten.
that's the marketplace: fickle, unjust.
"
"junior, cover your mouth when you cough,
and excuse yourself, don't just run off.
i was raised when to dine meant
some time for refinement.
you behave like a pig at the trough.
"
"""the lipstick, the liner, the base?
honey, why are you farding your face?
what god gave you's complete;
boys will fall at your feet.""
""then i'll  polish my toenails? in case.""
"
"i stupidly called my wife lazy.
what a duck fit! the woman went crazy:
bombarded me, bit me?
like a blitzkrieg it hit me?
there was more, but the memory's hazy.
"
"""they have toffees and gummies!"" he cried,
""and those truffles!"" his sister replied.
an array of sweet dulces
accelerates pulses.
mayor bloomberg dropped in and just sighed.
"
"i've been feeling, well, dumpish today?
can't say why, but i'm less than okay:
disconsolate, cross.
damn it, here comes the boss!
guess i'd better keep plugging away.
"
"we should prosper; this should be our day,
but our factionalism gets in the way.
we keep splitting, re-splitting
(some, wearied, just quitting).
must each bloom get a separate bouquet?
"
"resort life commodifies leisure;
it's sold as an entree to pleasure:
""relaxation's deluxe
for a few paltry bucks.
next break, try our vistas to treasure.""
"
"i would sit in my vanity chair
while my momma was craping my hair.
way back then, little girls
wore tight ringlets and curls.
i'd sit still by my mirror? and stare.
"
"on the trunk line, from midnight till two,
sluggish freight-laden drags rumble through.
open box cars provide
for a few a free ride
out of sight of the train's drowsy crew.
"
"your decretory posture provokes.
for results, you should coddle these folks.
sure you're climbing the wall;
they've refused to play ball.
make suggestions, talk football, tell jokes.
"
"""i've no daddy,"" she'd sighed, with chagrin;
being baseborn was reckoned a sin.
the admissions committee
(whose pretext was pity)
thought ""yummy,"" and welcomed her in.
"
"you've got something to hide, i suspect.
make your point, man?be clear and direct.
you've been faffling, stuttering,
stammering, muttering?
make sense, or you'll find yourself decked.
"
"you expect me to fight that marine?
ain't no way! he's a killing machine.
still, he's ruined my daughter.
i should take him to slaughter
for bigging my daughter, sixteen.
"
"this factum delineates claims,
lists all acts and their errors?names names.
each absurd allegation
has brought aggravation.
my client is not playing games.
"
"sorter skittish and not a bold feller,
i absconded myself in the cellar.
i ain't keen to be seen
by the lovely lurleen,
so i've hidden. she's callin' me yeller.
"
"we've progressed beyond ""how-do-you-do.""
skimpy emails and tweets don't ring true.
about time we get real
and at least share a meal,
'cause i'm desperate for face time with you.
"
"its perimeter ever increases;
its abiding allure never ceases:
the meadow-grown fairy ring,
a bit of a scary ring,
persists, though it's studied to pieces.
"
"they've livestock and thrill rides to spare,
but the foodstands were keeping me there:
from the sauteed papaya
to a fried jambalaya.
all manner of fare's at the fair.
"
"tears are futile, dear; turn off your faucet.
it's an invite; why pay to emboss it?
look, it's paper ? good grief!
not some sculpted relief,
and let's face it: most guests will just toss it.
"
"all our product is moved through the mails
by our factors that handle all sales.
they deserve their commissions
for deflecting suspicions
that oil that we peddle's from whales.
"
"a young gymnast performs on the floor,
leaping lithely, in synch with her score,
and all done with facility,
ease and agility.
for me, simple walking's a chore.
"
"in a movie, a couple hears creaking;
somewhere else in the house, boards are squeaking.
where'd it come from, the attic?
source unseen, acousmatic,
and dramatic: the viewers are freaking.
"
"our team's suffered a string of defeats.
bands of hooligans wander the streets:
large, disorderly packs
launching random attacks,
with response cars patrolling in fleets.
"
"county mounties stretch out 'cross the road,
blockin' traffic; a tour bus gets towed.
highway's lined with old ladies.
it's hotter'n hades.
(dang bladder's about to explode.)
"
"when patrolling the desert, i drink;
if i don't, well, i shudder to think.
with my camelbak pack,
water's there, on my back,
and its tube's an accessible link.
"
"restricted by rock-hard tradition,
he meekly accepts his position.
the world's changing fast,
but not so for his caste:
the dead hand of the past kills ambition.
"
"students gone, now their din's petered out,
leaving battle-scarred desks shoved about,
all tagged up and engraved?
too far gone to be saved.
(my career choice is sorely in doubt.)
"
"you're amazed how these flowers have grown?
they appear to break right from the stone!
that's a sharp observation:
this herb's appellation
is breakstone, though that's little known.
"
"we're for families now at club med,
still retooling and forging ahead.
now we're alpine resorts
and hot haunts of all sorts.
we're loving how swiftly we've spread.
"
"jazz was fresh in the great copland's day:
youthful voice in world music's array.
wedding jazz-colored dance
to symphonic romance,
he'd blend all, the american way.
"
"look, your story's concocted: a lie.
it's a cinch you'll be hung out to dry
once that version's been told.
the d.a.'s got you cold.
show some anguish, some sorrow, man. try!
"
"two alligators came to my gig,
diggin' jazz, but not playin' a fig.
i'm here groovin' on bop
and they're movin' non-stop?
must be irish; they're dancin' a jig.
"
"""the esclandre! she's brazenly nude.
how disgraceful?the stigma?how crude!""
former fans fairly drooled,
as idolatries cooled.
now in rehab, she'll wallow and brood.
"
"it's a back number burg, in the sticks,
with a greasy spoon, fleabag and hicks.
once the fleabag was plush
for a brief, desperate rush.
who will teach this old dog some new tricks?
"
"sighed experient actress, ms dawes,
""my performance, at times, has its flaws.
still, a quick 'break a leg'
helps me up it a peg.
how i relish the cheers and applause!""
"
"your old dad doesn't like you 'round strangers.
bring an escort, anticipate dangers.
three buddies from austin
can tend you in boston.
they're good: all are ex-texas rangers.
"
"for our home, we don't use the word doors.
we say ""entryways,"" grander than yours:
double-wide, solid oak?
lord, she's spending me broke?
next, carrara instead of mere floors.
"
"crucifixion was painful and gory,
as four told, and retold, in his story:
matthew, mark, luke and john?
passing on the baton?
the evangelists spreading the glory.
"
"my old bib overalls! that's what i'll wear
to her wedding; she'll know i don't care.
bein' late ain't a factor;
i'll drive there by tractor.
can't rival her danged millionaire.
"
"something's looming ahead in the rain.
still, i'd rather not big hole my train.
hit the brake and stop short?
it'll wind up in court.
some damned passenger's sure to complain.
"
"for my wife and me, joy's unsurpassed;
what we dreamt of is coming on fast.
now the world's at our feet;
an heir's made us complete.
with our baby, we're choate at last.
"
"he appeared, glassy-eyed and unkempt.
""your honor,"" he claimed, ""i'm exempt.""
but by crossing the border,
he'd spurned a court order.
the judge found constructive contempt.
"
"this emilia's a tropical herb,
a tasselflower, small but superb,
to the asters related.
can it cure? that's debated,
but reports say its taste is acerb.
"
"at the zoo, a huge grizzly broke free
and was heading directly for me.
he was vast, but i'm spry,
so, no idiot, i
climbed like billy-be-damned up a tree.
"
"when cycling takes place, we see clearly
that the sufferer's hurting severely.
(we're talking bipolar,
not sitcom or solar.)
sans treatment, most pay for it dearly.
"
"he blames lois: a face-saving ploy?
one that only his foes can enjoy.
his integrity's shot,
and his word don't mean squat.
he's seemed lost since he left illinois.
"
"that's a first-day-of-issue cachet
and it's postmarked, of course, the same day,
conceived and designed
with this issue in mind.
is it rare? don't get carried away.
"
"the respondent's defender confided:
we're ex parte?this hearing's one-sided.
it's your chance to be heard.
what precisely occurred?
nothing's settled, so don't be misguided.
"
"at long last, we've acquired a rail line?
not grand, but a rather small-scale line.
don't, please, misconstrue us:
our dummy will do us.
it's poky; we've dubbed it ""the snail line.""
"
"now i've blued my last penny, i'm skint;
in my pocket, there's nothing but lint:
that's right, squandered it all,
but i did have a ball.
wait?hope springs? by the kerb there: a glint!
"
"avoid him; i'm sure he's psychotic.
that behavior's beyond idiotic?
anti-social and scary.
each contact seems hairy.
be wary. that freak's criminotic.
"
"this herb's perfect when gathered in june
in the spell of the dark of the moon.
as the crescent grows thin,
comes a virtue herein.
pluck it up when the time's opportune.
"
"for a farmer, this tool helps his day:
a wide buck rake for handling hay.
it's a lifter/compacter
affixed to a tractor
to gather, then lift and convey.
"
"""he's filthy and stinks; where's he been?""
""that's our drag man, the last to ride in,
after hours trailing steers.
by the time he appears,
there's a thick crust of dust on his skin.""
"
"i'm all ego; my world's about me,
which takes chutzpah, you'll have to agree.
i expect some resentment,
as my goal's self-contentment.
i'm my highest achievement, you see.
"
"in spain, it's that nicely trilled r,
called a dog's letter, heard near and far,
'cause it mimics the beast
when disturbed at his feast?
not a bark, but a low, nasty gnar.
"
"you'll succeed, sweetie; give it a try.
i'll be there in the wings, standing by.
but remember: in case
you fall flat on your face,
we'll go cuddle and share a good cry.
"
"for pretending she's righteous and chaste,
we must church her and see she's disgraced.
let the whole congregation
heap scorn and damnation.
just think: she's been so long embraced.
"
"herpes simplex can cause an ordeal
till its lesions scab over and seal.
there's burning or pain
(later scars may remain),
but once crusted, most damage will heal.
"
"we've lost friends; we're too weary to speak.
we're retreating; the morrow looks bleak,
even futile and wrong,
still, we're dragging along.
'neath their cannon, the carriages creak.
"
"we played weddings and similar gigs?
fancy halls or some host's cushy digs,
till our drummer got tight,
thrashed the host in a fight:
a disaster, our own bay of pigs.
"
"a historic and sound rationale
led to building the cape cod canal,
which has helped shelter ships
and shorten some trips
around that vacation locale.
"
"it's the eocene, guys, and we're mammals;
our descendents, god grant, will be camels.
we're small now, but growing.
we'll adapt and get going,
some day posing for chinese enamels.
"
"he developed his death wish that night:
kill the vermin who hide from the light.
now he's cold, torn apart,
and it's frozen his heart,
so he executes filth left and right.
"
"we've a couple more callbacks to do,
then our interview process is through.
was the trip worth your while?
got your number on file?
in a week or so, we'll contact you.
"
"she's been birdlimed, glued fast to her seat
in a pub loo off carnaby street,
by some booze-addled bloke
(his idea of a joke).
freeing this bird's one delicate feat.
"
"who would blame you for turning morose?
we've been buddies for years?more than close.
what i said: lost my head?
should have hugged you instead.
my intentions were never dolose.
"
"that's a drum table, folks, 'cause it's round,
like a snare drum without that great sound.
look, the apron has drawers
for the small things one stores.
it's the best duncan phyfe style we've found.
"
"there was plenty of action on snooze;
big money was betting she'd lose.
one old tout had a stroke
when that filly awoke?
that's her photo on thoroughbred news.
"
"our hearts' chambers are numbered but four?
all essential, but why? let's explore:
are they ruled from above,
small rooms stockpiling love,
or just drum-beating drivers of war?
"
"in a boom shot, he exits the court;
now the camera pulls back; he grows short,
as in life?the guy's shrinking.
he'll return to his drinking,
which for him is a constant resort.
"
"george catlin's american west
pictured indian life at its best.
he'd paint portraits and scenes,
grand events and routines:
six hundred?the man was obsessed.
"
"anepigraphous coins, with no writing:
ancient mysteries, very inviting?
are they greek or egyptian?
there is no inscription.
unearthing one's very exciting.
"
"she stands quiet, aloft and aloof,
both courageous and desperate for proof.
behind peeling white rails,
she peers out for his sails
from the captain's walk crowning her roof.
"
"north of dublin, the monks left their cells,
transcribing, their days ruled by bells.
the great treasure produced
in their stone-built old roost:
the sublimely adorned book of kells.
"
"site of memories sweet, and some sour,
by which leaders cruise hour by hour,
it's a park in d.c.
whence the white house you'll see:
the ellipse, at the center of power.
"
"jfk's time: american camelot?
people still trusted old uncle sam a lot.
the future looked bright,
but things changed, as they might,
as the news focused eyes on vietnam a lot.
"
"your brain's chunking: you're learning a tune,
or some verses by siegfried sassoon.
assembling pieces,
its workload decreases,
else stress might induce you to swoon.
"
"we're a bull gang repairing the road
where the shoulder's begun to erode.
but we've ground to a halt
(our ecologist's fault):
we've uncovered a rare rainbow toad.
"
"close of day: i collapse into bed
and old terrors take over my head.
dreams of sleep clearly gone,
i await the next dawn.
light sustains me; it's nightfall i dread.
"
"in the office, they gossip about me;
there are whispers that trash me and flout me.
if ""delusion of reference""
means lack of due deference,
that's me! why must everyone doubt me?
"
"i'm in heaven; this place is arousing:
nubile neighbors and nightly carousing.
food's in ready supply,
and the campus, nearby.
i'm a bachelor in faculty housing.
"
"i'm a dawdler, i'm late every day;
i blame traffic, but that doesn't play.
is the fault in my genes?
mom and dad? by no means.
still i'd love to explain it away.
"
"get a face lift, my darling; i'll pay.
tuck your crow's feet and laugh lines away.
they ""add character""? drivel!
my peach shall not shrivel!
to the modern adept, it's child's play.
"
"the essence of flowers is attar.
(to crossword nuts, things like this matter.)
it's oil that's pressed out
to be sprinkled about.
overuse it, those present will scatter.
"
"that revival reached out, going strong,
marked by barking and swoons through the throng.
there at cane ridge, kentucky,
some came to ""get lucky,""
but left with a call to belong.
"
"that consuming alembic of grief
stole our dreams like a smoke-shrouded thief.
those who then would awaken
found their universe shaken,
dispossessed of its bedrock, belief.
"
"what's selling? artisanal bread?
all hand-made, like our bean dip and spread.
our fine stock's not extensive
(too labor-intensive).
did you grumble, ""?expensive""? drop dead.
"
"my new basket's quite broad; i'll explain:
her first function was winnowing grain.
now at teatime, she serves
biscuits, spreads and preserves.
wicker  fanners will never complain.
"
"we inspected his books, but alas,
no data remained to amass.
double entries? erased.
he seemed faultless and chaste.
thorough facticide: covered his ass.
"
"why's the senator driven to drink?
his wife earwigs him worse than you'd think?
pours advice in his head?
at the table, in bed.
he's stayed steadfast, but can't sleep a wink.
"
"expect widespread, severe complications
once this leaks; you'll see mass resignations.
hole up, bar the gates
till the fallout abates.
we'll be back if we make preparations.
"
"no more sidestepping, this time you're stuck.
as a leader, let's face it, you suck.
it's too late; the milk's spilt,
so face up to your guilt.
accept blame; don't denounce some poor schmuck.
"
"though twain has been gone for a while,
his faceti? still raise a smile.
with these sharp verbal jewels,
he'd annihilate fools?
take them down, but with sparkle and style.
"
"some found fabianism's concepts quite strange:
central ownership; leisurely change?
one more socialist ruse
good for nought but confuse?
o, so noble, a bitch to arrange.
"
"daily rut's full of mind-numbing toil,
so canoeing's my way to uncoil.
with deft hocus-pocus
(hidden rocks as my focus),
i'll paddle with ease through each boil.
"
"that egg-sucker ain't worth a thing,
yet he struts around dripping with bling.
i'm convinced that the loser
is a thief and a boozer.
let me squeeze him; i'll bet he can sing.
"
"it's convenient and cheap, nonetheless
it's a pigsty, a dunghill?a mess!
it's beyond merely tacky.
don't stay here; that's wacky.
you're welcome back home, son? i guess.
"
"to our members it came as a blow
when a duffer signed on as our pro.
still, we're keeping the loser:
the oaf's brother's a bruiser.
the club's status, for now, remains quo.
"
"there goes dot with her cotton-topped tots.
since birth they've been calling the shots.
they're already spoiled rotten;
what attention they've gotten?
hair gleaming like four hundred watts.
"
"we're measured by representations:
if we're male, exponential inflations.
yes, we're judged by our cocks,
but, deceased, it's the box,
as fine caskets will upgrade our stations.
"
"in a gesture of faith and goodwill,
we'll dispatch a reserve escadrille?
a petite naval fleet?
till they're back on their feet.
our public, of course, foots the bill.
"
"though it pains me, i'm forced to report
we can't stay at your chosen resort.
perhaps croesus could pay
their twelve thousand a day.
we've got twelve sixty-five; we fall short.
"
"as a familist, flynn ranked supreme,
held his household in highest esteem.
when the world sent its worst,
flynn fought back, till he burst.
love destroyed him, or so it would seem.
"
"certain drugs may fight neuro-disease.
might they also help learn what we please?
will inspired pharmacology
called cosmetic neurology
boost recall? or is that a tease?
"
"she's familiar; i've seen her before:
those features, that laugh? and much more.
mustn't gawk; i'll alarm her;
be direct, and disarm her.
""pardon me. have you worked as a whore?""
"
"over there, snuggled up on my hat:
my familiar, griselda, the cat,
who assists me with spells
(with my candles and bells).
and she's always at hand for a chat.
"
"my forebears were all overweight?
a persistent familial trait.
a hard fast for a week
merely sallowed my cheek,
so pipe down while i empty my plate.
"
"""our best suspect, i've learned, has a twin,""
said the chief, with a look of chagrin.
""he'll try some kind of switch,
so be sure which is which.
in your search for him, factor it in.""
"
"it's as plain as the nose on your face:
you'll need crew cabs, with oodles of space.
with these pickups?extended,
versatility's splendid.
a contractor's got to keep pace.
"
"with construction near faults, it's been found
sudden tremors might shift things around.
often, earthquake prediction
is less fact than fiction.
science tries, but it's on shaky ground.
"
"you're marketing locally, small.
continentalize soon, sell to all.
from initial gestation,
you'll carpet the nation.
competitors, brace for a brawl.
"
"when she's bargaining, tessa's obsessive,
now languid, now firmly aggressive:
half crown by half crown,
she'll keep beating you down,
changing tack like a manic-depressive.
"
"her piece was a brief causerie:
a few words on the queen's jubilee?
on the poems of praise
and those traffic delays?
all as english as afternoon tea.
"
"shivaree? it's an old-timey belling,
with loud singing, pot banging and yelling:
post-wedding farewell
to the groom and his belle.
they're off to? well, that would be telling.
"
"your dyspathy's shown by your acts,
such as visceral wanton attacks.
your ingrained disposition
to resistance, suspicion?
one day, you'll be shot in your tracks.
"
"i'll edge closer; this broad takes the cake.
the snow crumps with each damned step i take.
crunching keeps me away
from the tempting display:
winter peeping?i can't catch a break!
"
"propagation by cuttage retains
the good traits of developing strains.
one plant's bearing more beans?
then treasure its genes:
take cuttings, implant them?take pains.
"
"your philosophy's pallid and weak,
self-impressed and obsessed with technique?
no conviction, no muscle,
it's so? bertrand russell.
its etiolated voice is a squeak.
"
"robert's assay's arrived, and he's crowing:
his claim's where there's blossom rock showing.
that oxide-stained quartz
very clearly supports
bob's faith that his future is glowing.
"
"does his son have a lot on the ball
'cause he's swimming, though not two feet tall?
i remain unimpressed:
he knows one stroke, at best.
almost all kids his age do the crawl.
"
"something's dined on these oysters before us?
perhaps several: a virtual chorus.
once these drills pierce a shell,
they reward themselves well.
the result: every bivalve here's porous.
"
"in their struggles, great heracles found
that antaeus drew strength from the ground.
when lifted aloft,
huge antaeus grew soft.
the conclusions some draw are profound.
"
"breakfast eggs, sir?you ordered ahead:
alabama style, just like you said.
fresh whole wheat, lightly fried,
the eggs nestled inside,
in a hollow cut out of the bread.
"
"there she stood, on the drop edge of yonder,
the elysian fields soon to wander,
her soul glory-borne.
she'd be gone before morn.
'tis a sobering moment to ponder.
"
"son, i've read it. i'm still at a loss;
your allusions don't quite come across
'cause you're trying too hard.
it's a father's day card
so darn cryptic it begs for a gloss.
"
"best accept it, the dolls are the fair sex,
the obsessed-with-the-best-thing-to-wear sex.
and they're sweeter than candy,
their bodies jim-dandy
for that feels-like-you're-walkin'-on-air sex.
"
"in each facial canal in my head,
there's no shipping; a nerve's there instead
(in each temporal bone
as a doc would have known).
now, please leave them alone? till i'm dead.
"
"it was squally and damp, with a chill,
then the blood rain?the wheat fields grew still.
some blamed dust off the prairie,
but i swear it was scary?
a summoning straight from boot hill.
"
"gen'ral jackson still rides, locals say,
and, still dashing, no hint of decay,
cries ""forever my valley,""
then ""hang my finale!""
old soldiers don't all fade away.
"
"took a blast from my truck's deluge gun?
this fool firefighter's concept of fun.
man, did i take a fall!
it could knock down a wall.
that's the dumbest thing i've ever done.
"
"sure, i called you a butt-head; it's true.
it's genetic, so what can you do?
try to sprout horns forever:
a futile endeavor?
but you'll shine in my famous veal stew.
"
"she'll bogue leeward in autumn's light breeze
and ship water in moderate seas.
someone went a bit far
when he said she was ""yare"":
she demands an old tar's expertise.
"
"they're so trendily, faddishly dressed,
a la gentleman's quarterly?blest?
looking stylish and lean,
metrosexuals preen,
by those men in the mirror impressed.
"
"as his barbie snores softly, asleep,
ken's still deeply engaged counting sheep.
he thinks, ""quit, go on strike?
all these sheep look alike.
what i'd give for a little bo peep.""
"
"that your choice isn't mine there's no doubt,
but it's rude to keep blessing me out.
such language is brutal.
opposition is futile:
you know that i've ordered the trout.
"
"""an amusement park ride!"" the man laughed.
""a good stairway's secure in its craft.
but your escalator trick?
i feel squeamish; it's sick.
moving steps?isn't that a tad daft?""
"
"having once gone to sea on a banker,
most will hope never more to weigh anchor.
the grand banks are flat cold;
feeling lonesome grows old,
but for more such i secretly hanker.
"
"someone summon the dubbing police.
tourists visiting hellas say ""greece,""
and nippon is japan?
names are catch-as-catch-can.
some are exonyms. o? sont les suisses?
"
"since they transferred you here, i can't sleep.
wash your undies; they're making me weep,
and you stink like a skunk, mate.
i need a new bunkmate.
no wonder this summer camp's cheap.
"
"where's the manner and speech of jane eyre?
such vulgarity! don't people care?
humor's filth-laden screeds;
folks forgive loathsome deeds:
it's contumeliousness filling our air.
"
"the day of accounting draws near,
so be certain your ledger is clear.
you'll be once again whole
when you've scoured your soul:
let your sins be disbosomed, my dear.
"
"there goes nancy, who never said ""no,""
with her come-by-chance always in tow.
gossips point and decry,
still she holds her head high:
with her love child, she's simply aglow.
"
"these old legs need some space to feel free,
so it's seats behind bulkheads for me.
an airplane partition
is no imposition?
unlike headrests assaulting each knee.
"
"if we deflagrate each dealer's stash?
burn it up so that nothing but ash
will remain of the stuff?
it would show we play rough.
but we'll first commandeer all their cash.
"
"though he loves spending time with our boys,
their big daddy can't handle their noise.
once he's fit to be tied,
grandma moves them outside;
pop returns to his man cave and toys.
"
"meds are futile, and most should be banned;
now your ailment is way out of hand.
herbal magick can cure you,
it's true; i assure you,
as cunning folk well understand.
"
"most needles are eyed, that is, ""holed,""
but for sutures, an eyeless type's sold.
an eyed needle needs threading
and may cause more spreading
of the gap. none want that to unfold.
"
"bobbi sparkles and churns with esprit;
she's an everything's-great potpourri.
so abandon your gloom?
bobbi's brightened the room,
that perpetual blithe jubilee.
"
"""for the night, sir? we've not yet talked pricing.""
""it's your hairdo, demure and enticing:
those beaucatcher curls,
like a sweet little girl's.
you're like pastry, with spit curls like icing.""
"
"i'm sorry; it's more than a hunch.
we've detected a palpable bunch:
an abdominal lump
about here. feel that bump?
did you wolf down a golf ball at lunch?
"
"stroll our garden; enjoy the mystique?
paths with belgian-block paving, tres chic.
each rectangular stone,
settled in, overgrown,
oddly cozy with age? and unique.
"
"dare you see yourself garbed as a shaman?
you must first undergo an examen:
look into your soul
for that pure, divine role
that distinguishes you from a layman.
"
"if ""the?study of mankind is man,""
learn from choices in names what you can.
research anthroponomastics,
not whale songs or plastics:
why dweezil, north west or just ann?
"
"please forgive me for twitching so much.
my arm jumps and my fingers may clutch?
i get spasms and jerk,
interfering with work.
my entasia can get me in dutch.
"
"your micrometer won't do the job;
pack the old eriometer, bob.
it can calibrate motes,
measure katydid throats
and delimit the web of a cob.
"
"where the sun's beaten down through the years,
an evaporite, gypsum, appears,
or a stone that you eat
(sprinkle rock salt on meat),
or fluorite for studs in your ears.
"
"we should cruise the antilles one day,
soak up sun in an indolent way,
skip the grill on the van tail
and dive from the fantail
of a ketch with a fetching buffet.
"
"the enameling's better than fine.
ancient glass fusion work: it's divine,
and though centuries old,
every color's still bold.
i'd pay twice what he's asking; it's mine.
"
"one more naughty bit cut?see his smirk?
his vast outtake collection's a perk.
and his line in the credits
of movies he edits:
""expurgatory office at work.""
"
"we admonished him: ""lay off the swill""
out of neighborliness and goodwill.
but the pig-headed fool
had been boozing since school.
now his burying's up on the hill.
"
"the word's gotten out; it's abroad
that humanity's socially flawed:
loser lads still make passes
at lasses, while lasses
smell wealth and are instantly thawed.
"
"evolutionarily, slowly, with time,
we've transformed and emerged from the slime,
hit-or-miss and erratic,
at a pace undramatic.
now we're here, is the place worth the climb?
"
"retired to my books and my pension,
i'm enjoying an easing of tension,
all angst now suppressed.
i've refurbished my nest;
the new sofa's divine intervention.
"
"this morning, it rained?just a shower?
a dust settler, gone in an hour,
so barely worth mention.
but what got our attention?
desert flora erupting in flower.
"
"will this factiousness rip us apart?
we've been squabbling right from the start:
always your camp or mine,
no attempt to combine.
you're a twit, so i don't give a fart.
"
"consistorial rulings or actions
should be pondered apart from distractions.
a diocesan bias
assures findings are pious.
church of england must tend to infractions.
"
"'twas a hall full of patients senescent?
a parade of the slow and quiescent,
some crabbing and aching,
some fecklessly faking,
and a few with complaints delitescent.
"
"i'm popular, witty and charming?
charismatic. my grin is disarming.
they've assigned me to hoeing,
manuring and sowing,
but i haven't the head for the farming.
"
"if we're bold, we may see the light yet.
let's deleverage, pay down the debt:
sell the national parks,
throw detroit to the sharks?
in the pink by november, no sweat.
"
"most equivocatory speech he's made yet:
he said nothing he'll live to regret.
""failing snags, we'll proceed,
if all act as agreed?
that's unless there's a credible threat.""
"
"where we're bound we've already been shown;
all determinative factors are known.
i've no doubt or illusion:
death's a foregone conclusion.
and yet? it's not written in stone.
"
"i'm avoiding inviting pandora:
she's erosive?we're flayed by her aura.
my guests grow uneasy;
some, unglued, flatly queasy.
last easter, she wilted the flora.
"
"disconformable, some live apart.
for these misfits, the choice would seem smart:
they may croon an odd tune,
shun the sun for the moon,
and whenever they're moved to, they fart.
"
"her gaunt, yet so supple exility
bespeaks an alluring agility.
if we'd stage exhibitions
of novel positions,
that body would try my virility.
"
"in most things, my brother's my better:
i'm complacent, while gil's a go-getter.
we jogged once; it rained.
 gilbert, dead-pan, explained,
""i've outdone you again, bro?i'm wetter.""
"
"an exhalant device is inserted,
noxious vapors exhausted, diverted,
and the system runs clean.
still, the stench is obscene
and so potent the town is deserted.
"
"you're an irish lass, bred in killeen,
but your birthstone's a garnet, maureen,
a sad fact that's immutable.
but this garnet's suitable:
the demantoid's a bright kelly green.
"
"an examinant asked me, ""your name?""
as a test question, that's fairly tame.
and that's all he required;
i guessed right, and was hired?
aced the entrance ordeal with no shame.
"
"this contest already is won.
that's a given: the race has begun.
it's a foregone conclusion;
discard all delusion.
my colt will be bested by none.
"
"my sweet swain's a conservative chap?
barn-door britches?his fly is a flap.
slightly sloshed but still chipper,
i felt for his zipper,
and found buttons all over his lap.
"
"they're laying the country's foundation:
busy chainmen, surveying the nation.
if they stake every section
with an eye to perfection,
they'll save homesteaders much disputation.
"
"select crops for our northern location,
well suited to borealization?
crops with predispositions
to adapt to conditions.
that done, we'll attract immigration.
"
"this racket's an earner, for sure.
it's the dodge i've been angling for:
i'll appease all my cravings;
i've even got savings!
i will never live poor anymore.
"
"she's some clipper, that girl: smart and chipper.
how the hell'd she wind up as a stripper?
what a lap dance! good lord,
she deserves an award,
but there's only so much i can tip her.
"
"there's a cripple adjoining the creek.
when my miserable world's looking bleak,
in that scrubby morass
i retire, lose my ass,
and bask in its somber mystique.
"
"the establishment doesn't condone
those traditions that aren't homegrown.
and, since they have the power,
midday naps of an hour
are out. here siesta's unknown.
"
"who says cinema's over the hill?
settle back for a swell double bill:
there's a low-budget comedy
with moments of dramedy,
then our feature, the boys from brazil.
"
"this environment's dull and banal;
it's been sapping my elan vital.
neither changing nor growing,
i fear i'm plateauing.
i must soar, or i'm bound for a fall.
"
"for this blizzard head, best check your lighting.
her blond hair, it appears, is igniting.
scrap the daily routine
if that flare gets onscreen.
i detest when a set gets exciting.
"
"he won't tell us? how dare he refuse?
use falanga, boys; off with his shoes.
pound the soles of his feet
till they look like raw meat?
quite effective, and sure to amuse.
"
"an odd anabranch leaves the main stream,
a digression in search of a theme.
there are bayous that wander,
explore the out yonder,
and return like a dark, liquid dream.
"
"i just can't seem to part from miss mazie.
i'm smitten; her eyes drive me crazy,
and she's smart as a whip.
dang, i'm losing my grip.
she's the whole enchilada: a daisy!
"
"self-declared as both prophet-magician
and bisexual, he spurned inhibition.
was he wicked, unholy,
this aleister crowley,
or a rebel unwed to tradition?
"
"denigration negates affirmation.
that's floccinaucinihilipilification.
what's earning bouquets'll
receive reappraisal:
a belittling, bitter fixation?
"
"experimentally, joe touched her arm.
she reacted, but not with alarm.
""don't be shy,"" said her eyes,
so he tried for the prize.
she said, ""stop,"" but a sigh said, ""no harm.""
"
"the room's mirrored for weddings and balls:
hung in enfilade?opposite walls.
you'll see gowns in reflection
in every direction.
next season, we mirror the halls.
"
"bees are swarming once more at the blacks';
procreation there's come off the tracks.
poor old granny's lost count,
begged her boys to dismount,
take a year off, or three? and relax.
"
"the performers are marionettes
on their undersized, colorful sets?
fantoccini, on strings,
doing spellbinding things?
entrechats and well-turned pirouettes.
"
"would you plant every foot of your field?
use a cascrom to heighten your yield.
it's an old scottish trick:
fix a plow to a stick.
for the strapping, it's simple to wield.
"
"the great steamboat refused me aboard,
though i'd sweetly cajoled and implored.
still, they rigged a cordelle,
towed me north for a spell.
far abaft in my raft, i'm ignored.
"
"black ice formed a skin on the pond.
from the shoreline it stretched far beyond?
so transparent, yet thin,
wayward chipmunks fell in.
and, lamentably, children were conned.
"
"in they slouch, drawers adroop, caps arake
(studied angles), and all on the make.
all is carefully planned
to seem cool and offhand,
but there's method; they've image at stake.
"
"all these dinner plans, man?hold your horses!
you've been days just deciding on courses.
your cibarious musing
is growing confusing.
twelve cookbooks? cut back on your sources!
"
"that's a breviograph letter compression,
for a document?will or confession.
they're not fancy baroques,
but unique simple strokes,
like john hancocks, but done with discretion.
"
"will the chic, fashion-forward be there,
in their next-season rags and wild hair?
must stay focused and steady?
can i ever be ready?
i've eleven short months to prepare.
"
"here i stand, in soaked barvel, filleting.
you bitch at the figure you're paying.
life at sea's more than dicey,
so fresh fish is pricey.
while you're home eating bluefish, we're praying.
"
"from the first hated cockcrow of morn,
it's the season of harvesting corn.
then all evening we husk,
right from noon and through dusk?
so it's been since my daddy was born.
"
"this just in from a weather balloon:
it should fair off and dry out by noon.
but my grandpappy's gout
puts that forecast in doubt.
toe's still throbbing; expect a monsoon.
"
"wicked wind's whipping in off the shore,
as a devil dancer's rattling the door.
mini-whirlwinds are eerie.
but the fireside is cheery.
let's cuddle up warm, mi amor.
"
"on the menu's an entree of chevon:
roasted goat meat's a meal sent from heaven.
keep your kid; it's not ripe;
i'm the nanny meat type.
on a one to six scale, it's a seven.
"
"capoeiristas perform in the square
during carnival; everyone's there.
with its formalized fighting,
complex and exciting.
a nameless allure fills the air.
"
"his insignia's apt for a star,
its emblazonment blared from afar:
from the maw of t. rex
hang two blood-soaked execs?
a strong statement, if somewhat bizarre.
"
"you've been friending too hastily, friends.
be aware of these late-breaking trends:
some who'd pose as your cronies,
social media phonies,
are but facecrooks with villainous ends.
"
"when i'm at myself, man, i'm sublime:
won't be bested when i'm in my prime.
no debate or delay?
just get out of my way,
'cause today i've got mountains to climb.
"
"here the climate had long been contrary:
a new reason each season?be wary.
then a decade of drought
drove most sodbusters out.
the dirty thirties brought hell to the prairie.
"
"stacks of essays, and each one wants scoring?
disquisitional tracts, though, are boring.
i sit down with a stack,
grab a pencil, lean back,
and press on to the business of snoring.
"
"a harsh comment's a dangerous thing.
break it off in him, man, make it sting!
had enough of his crap?
try a sharp verbal slap.
shut him up and you've grabbed the brass ring.
"
"with our harvest days reaching a peak,
there's an apple bee friday next week,
when our orchards' sweet pride
is prepared to be dried.
the occasion's all style and technique.
"
"broadcast excerpts from each of his speeches
to wherever our strong signal reaches.
precious leader's sweet words
fill our air like the birds:
golden portions of what master preaches.
"
"must we feel all the pebbles and bumps?
we've arrived, but we've taken our lumps;
a short jaunt on that cart
nearly tore us apart
the damned farting-trap's ruined our rumps.
"
"enantiopathic medicaments
may ease us through painful predicaments.
if an ache is extreme,
i try palliative cream,
not a lozenge: they're weak and i'm sick o' mints.
"
"my damned spell-checker's at it? again.
certain terms are beyond the thing's ken.
the cupertino effect
made my laptop correct
my word cyan. it's chosen cayenne.
"
"insignificant? think of your skin,
and the casings throughout your within.
so don't make it an issue:
epithelial tissue
is crucial for holding stuff in.
"
"from old ulster they've come to our state,
all these far-downs?but, yank, get this straight:
all these prods just can't be
quite as irish as we,
so it's donnybrook time, just you wait.
"
"""that protuberant boss thou shouldst toss!
it appeareth bizarre, lord, a loss.""
""this location's precise;
it's his smelling device,
called a nose,"" spake the ultimate boss.
"
"there's vibration? is that how she feels?
have you properly balanced her wheels?
that odd shudder abates
once you've hung the right weights.
so complete the job; don't drag your heels.
"
"a banana is easily peeled?
excoriable?swiftly unsealed,
which reminds me of jennie,
who'd strip for a penny,
charms candidly, proudly revealed.
"
"a grenade's blown a hole in his gut.
eventration's resulted there, but
the new corpsman's no quack.
he can shove the bowel back
and, pro tem, maybe stitch the kid shut.
"
"""with powerful legs his main feature,
a gazelle's a cursorial creature:
he's speedy, not cunning,
and a wizard at running.""
dad's retired, but still a top teacher.
"
"harvard's child ballads' influence spoke
through that burgeoning song style called folk.
this scholar's collection
changed music's complexion
as themes with tradition awoke.
"
"""leveled blades,"" said our sculls coach once more,
""flat feathered, in line with the shore.
now a fresh stroke from scratch:
drop it in for the catch,
and the drive?that's what rowers are for.""
"
"they're adjusting; i'll not be judgmental.
still, the times has gone all continental:
daily feuilleton pages?
our press dies in stages.
light fiction?the death should be gentle.
"
"the vast desert's a featureless waste,
as though god slapped it down in great haste:
neither valley nor rise,
just those infinite skies?
then las vegas, so fittingly placed.
"
"yes, a featherless biped, that's me.
any right-thinking man would agree.
call me ""pennate""? absurd!
do i eat like a bird?
and i'm hairy as hairy can be.
"
"he was reared in a seamy bordello;
his skin's a diseased shade of yellow.
rather worn and unclean
for a lad of eighteen,
he's in less than fine fettle, this fellow.
"
"attach? case is proper, not bag,
you provincial, illiterate hag.
right, it doesn't hold much:
a few treaties and such.
(such a lack of respect makes me gag.)
"
"our executive: how he's enstyled
must be set, be he loved or reviled.
""your high mightiness,"" ""sire,""
or ""this flintlock for hire""?
""mr. president""?forceful, yet mild.
"
"for his polis alexis is straining;
he's ephebic, and so, yet in training.
but born greek and born free,
he'll soon leave his mom's knee,
which, alone, seems a goal worth attaining.
"
"some leave steles for the future to see,
even statues, by royal decree.
all i leave is my rhyme
to sustain me through time.
perhaps words will eternalize me.
"
"pre-war, getting in was a breeze.
exfiltration, though, came by degrees:
agents left through the cracks,
one by one, hiding tracks,
under boxcars, afloat or on skis.
"
"edward's grown too inquisitive lately:
gotten irksome, disturbing us greatly.
oh, he's frustrated, is he?
our deforciant's been busy.
ed won't quit if he's dealt with sedately.
"
"an old ellwand's a draper's device
used when near, not precise, will suffice.
""cut me ten yards of terry.""
""that's exact?"" ""well, not very.""
""as i measure, let's haggle a price.""
"
"it was brutal: their words should have hurt.
he hurled ""birdbrain!"" she countered ""stuffed shirt!""
in a bitter exchange.
so their conduct seemed strange
when she slid his hand under her skirt.
"
"""due to diageotropism, plants
spread outward, not upward,"" he rants.
""but its function's still muddy
and needs further study.
i've applied for some government grants.""
"
"she was extroverted, rashly off-track,
unreserved?it sure took me aback.
she was free and disarming,
so openly charming?
and exotically wild in the sack.
"
"it's a clear designatory mark
that identifies this new world lark.
such distinguishing features
help identify creatures
while we're birding each spring at the park.
"
"their wedlock, resilient, coheres.
some sweet extract of blessings and tears,
some conglutinative stuff,
both elastic and tough,
still holds, and the flame perseveres.
"
"it's monstrous; you've got to concede
that our government's grown like a weed:
all expanding dimensions,
growing wings and extensions.
on what meat doth our great seizer feed?
"
"i get lost from the den to the loo;
once arrived, i've no clue what to do.
and i'm usually late
(my confusional state)
for appointments? except those with you.
"
"the promotion was mine, but the cost!
by this faustian compact, i'm lost.
for this fleeting control,
i would squander my soul?
does it count if my fingers were crossed?
"
"what a cruise! an erotic excursion,
in debauchery quite an immersion,
on the pool chairs, on decks,
it's been pure joy of sex:
orgiastic! a festal perversion.
"
"there's a festschrift devoted to bloom
by his colleagues. i dared to presume
to contribute a piece
on his lectures on greece,
but the editors claimed there's no room.
"
"it was great till you got here, i swear,
till you brought your disheartening air.
so depart these festivities;
your dreary proclivities
will deaden the whole damned affair.
"
"what i'm holding, a flush, should be sound;
still, he's bumping me round after round,
adding more to the pot.
what the hell has he got?
better fold, or i'll never rebound.
"
"decommissioned, our frigate's still cool,
though a drag to refit and retool.
when we're booking her cruises,
her uniqueness amuses.
that ex-warship's our company jewel.
"
"ammo stashed in a brown paper bag:
tapered boat-tails with very low drag
say this guy is our sniper.
he'll soon pay the piper
for a crime that's been making tongues wag.
"
"dee's got plans for diablerie?watch!
as a trickster, her plots are top-notch.
she's been challenged by friends,
so she somehow intends
to expose poor penelope's crotch.
"
"though our garden group lives for dissension,
your fernery's earned our attention:
fern varieties galore,
some not grown here before.
it's awarded a ""worthy of mention.""
"
"""never judge: films should always play fair.""
""no, take sides:  it shows filmmakers care.""
""let the viewers decide.""
""they're along for the ride.
you're ambivalent!"" ""you're all hot air!""
"
"this epigraph opens his tome
on the native's enchantment with rome:
""while young wanderlust's fine,
one's foundation's divine.""
it's his theme, and he will bring it home.
"
"life's too brief to be dull and uptight.
sweet diversions deliver delight:
entertainment's a treat
that makes life more complete,
so let me entertain you? tonight.
"
"he's a broomtail, all fire and esprit?
wild and worthless?you'd best set him free.
all these mustangs, these ponies,
should run with their cronies.
they belong to the land, can't you see?
"
"he's neglected, and yet tommy learns:
touching candent (white hot) objects burns.
tommy finds the surprises
of danger's disguises
while mom studies as the world turns.
"
"a tic's just an uncontrolled twitch.
nerves contract. it's a junior grade glitch
of the briefest duration,
a mild fasciculation
enjoyed by the poor and the rich.
"
"that's my clam gun, a tubular spade,
used for hunting the best meals god made,
the ideal sort of gizmo
for quahog or pismo
or cherrystone?all are top grade.
"
"i'm admiring that buttermilk sky;
it's a curd-speckled feast for the eye.
patchy puffs on the blue
marching past in review
are like cream-covered pastries on high.
"
"does your mindset produce what we see?
too conceptualistic for me.
though ideas might be lyrical,
the real is empirical.
your theories and mine don't agree.
"
"any complementizer like that
in ""i know that your wife's an old bat""
introduces a clause
without comma or pause.
now you know, keep it under your hat.
"
"what's fuzzy is cuddly and tickles;
what's echinulate's covered in prickles.
yet my hedgehog's not horrible
as a pet: she's adorable.
look, somebody slept with don rickles.
"
"both sons kidnapped, we lived on just prayer;
you unearthed them with no time to spare.
your emancipative measures
delivered our treasures.
one more prayer: give the bastards the chair.
"
"a used book store, a hand-lettered label:
""find romance on the mysteries table,""
and behold, she's right there?
time to act, but with care.
crash! fool mysteries table's unstable.
"
"move the loot if you have any sense
to a pawn shop or, better, a fence.
when conditions turn prickly,
a fence will pay quickly.
his cut's just a business expense.
"
"his sanity hangs by a thread;
a commotion's at work in his head:
frenzied ferment so strong
that he'll crack before long,
with an impact that's best left unsaid.
"
"endozoic plants thrive in a gut.
to avoid them, just keep your trap shut.
the plants' menu keeps changing
every hour, rearranging,
but nutritious and moist, so, so what?
"
"there are sorrows we cannot contain,
as with helen, her heart cleft in twain.
plagued by trials and fears,
she broke down, and her tears
spawned the herb we call elecampane.
"
"my wife is renowned as a cook,
while her husband's the consummate schnook.
it was anise i sought for her,
fennel i've bought for her.
""but that smell, hon."" ""it's labelled. here, look.""
"
"finn's removing to finland, you dope,
where his home's not on fenland, we hope,
because low, marshy ground
sounds unwholesome, unsound.
with helsinki we think he can cope.
"
"if, when running, your foot falls afoul
of the hole of a burrowing owl
right there in the track,
set your jaw and bounce back:
many joggers just naturally scowl.
"
"bring your passion, your lover, your cash
to our annual midsummer bash.
once the gala ignites
with its festival lights,
raise hell; they'll blink out in a flash.
"
"at an orgy, who brews the fondue,
selects sheets for each wild, wooly screw?
who runs wingdings for kings,
or just complicates things?
what does an event planner do?
"
"family built this place; gramps lives there still?
and keeps farming?and running the mill.
there he still keeps his hand in.
no way he'd abandon
the bank barn built into the hill.
"
"this wall scowls at me, absent of grace.
two fenestrae should liven the place:
high fanlights designed
with twin sunbursts in mind?
final touch for your cramped eastern face.
"
"it was fenceless and free on the range,
but to settlers, such freedom was strange.
to delimit the space,
they would barb-wire the place:
sound perimeters, practical change.
"
"he was fondling a favorite mace,
fell ferity writ on his face
and the brains of a cabbage.
good lord, he looked savage.
it seemed prudent to give the brute space.
"
"i've been longing for shut-eye, although
it's the night of the grand fais do-do,
biggest dance of the year?
there'll be zydeco, beer?
i've decided to let myself go.
"
"it's but silver my digging is for;
that's my quest: argentiferous ore.
my personal grail?
something comstock in scale,
for a start; it's a grind to live poor.
"
"cousin fester breeds roaches on bran;
auntie flo wed a con in the can,
and poor stu up in storrs
ain't yet learned to work doors.
feeblemindedness runs in our clan.
"
"cast aspersions at those you may need?
burning bridges seems foolish, indeed.
should you ever descend
to back-capping a friend?
if his wife looks delicious? proceed.
"
"what i borrowed i thought i'd repay;
now it's exigible?due?by today.
no reprieves, no revising
(somber music is rising)?
damn shylock won't meet me halfway.
"
"johnson's nearly the last of his breed;
men like him today never succeed.
in this world, it's not viable
to be frank and reliable?
and johnson's a bit off his feed.
"
"while his small market team is just stewing,
it's his walk year and battles are brewing,
which for him is sublime,
'cause it's bidding war time:
the pursuing, the wooing, the screwing.
"
"he was lazy, bereft of ambition,
so he ceded his potent position.
his abdicated seat
is in want of fresh meat.
contact casting. arrange an audition.
"
"these unusual fossils we've found
in this stream bed right here on the ground,
are called belemnites, folks.
they're no fossil hound's hoax,
though not often found lying around.
"
"that dimpled, adorable rump
shall be mine. it's so perfectly plump.
her posterior beauteous?
sweet maximus gluteus?
makes my ticker go thumpity-thump.
"
"you pretend that you don't give a damn,
but your man is a batterer, ma'am.
come on, cast the creep loose;
why endure his abuse?
meanwhile, call when you're next in a jam.
"
"those attenuated rumbles of thunder,
like the heavens were splitting asunder,
are weak and still distant
but dark and persistent.
the herd's become skittish?no wonder.
"
"we're a thousand miles eastbound from seoul
when the barostat loses control.
cabin pressure's gone mad;
this is sure to be bad:
down below's just a vast swimming hole.
"
"a good wing shooter here wouldn't fail.
daily bag limit's two dozen quail.
the preserve sets the cap;
i'm a practical chap.
still, demand this month's right off the scale.
"
"while this vista's deserving of fame,
it wants focus and bounds all the same.
so add outlining to it:
use a claude glass to view it.
a scene is improved in a frame.
"
"time to cast off my dark discontent
and atone for the years i've misspent,
time to feast and run riot;
i commend you to try it:
divorce as a  festive event.
"
"the elements here are erratic,
so we've climatized, cellar to attic:
a home weather station,
top grade insulation,
and no windows. one must be pragmatic.
"
"we arrive at or part from a place
with abrazos, our hearty embrace,
always done like we mean it.
don't, please, intervene: it
might lead to a slight loss of face.
"
"the earl's abditory, recently found
in his chapel and half underground
('neath the rood screen, disguised)
still held much the man prized.
it's been lost since the last earl was drowned.
"
"comes to baking a fine cherry pie,
you're the queen and far abler than i.
so no lies or evasions:
for family occasions,
i'll respectfully never apply.
"
"stop the search; here's our cover shot, guys.
check the catchlight in kathy's brown eyes:
only barely detected
where the fill light's reflected?
unplanned, but a pleasant surprise.
"
"it's calumniously worded, i'd judge;
this review claims your bistro sells sludge
that's as thick as old toffee.
it slanders your coffee.
someone's nursing one helluva grudge.
"
"here's an option i haven't explored:
i've read coins were once buccally stored?
in the owners' own cheeks
(for the nonce, not for weeks).
that might kill the temptation to hoard.
"
"male or female? for me that's complex,
so i live, you might say, ""between decks.""
on this last application,
i've delayed confrontation:
not yet bubbled in is ""your sex.""
"
"they trudge wearily, droopy and drained,
their eyes blearily murky and strained,
still robotically plodding,
half dead but all nodding,
marching discipline barely maintained.
"
"all struggled, some died, but they came
for adventure and fortune and fame:
over seas, from back east
(gold awakened their beast),
each one hustling to stake out a claim.
"
"with the snowmelt come sweet april rains,
carried off in ephemeral drains.
spring's come home to our hollows
and hills, and what follows
reminds us the circle remains.
"
"they're colloguing, they've something in store.
those old rascals are scheming once more.
once the play's underway,
some poor sucker will pay.
sure, they're scoundrels, but never a bore.
"
"we've air-conditioned guido; he's through,
and no longer a menace to you.
the grotesque little troll's
head to toe full of holes.
ventilation was long overdue.
"
"he's been coddled, indulged? what's the phrase?
that's it: farting through silk all his days?
loads of money, no soul.
i say, dig him a hole.
put him under; he's set in his ways.
"
"we use countercathexis to block
weird desires that would otherwise shock:
if my uncontrolled id
craves a squid, god forbid,
it's rebuffed with no need to take stock.
"
"in vaudeville, timing was king,
and your place on the bill was the thing.
the deuce spot was shunned,
so performers were stunned
if assigned second slot in the string.
"
"in the biz, with my stature at stake,
the damn press wouldn't cut me a break.
then a dialect act
spoke of things that i lacked.
but from them it was easy to take.
"
"we hung out once, and partied and flirted.
now the last has ""gone home""; i'm deserted.
though i'm here, safe and sound,
my whole world's in the ground.
sure, i get it. i'm still disconcerted.
"
"""that hideous roar's from a dumb-bull?
just checking?you've been known to mumble.""
""it's a primitive drum
pierced by string you don't strum.""
""ike, your folk learnin' makes me feel humble.""
"
"at the track, he's in dreadnought and chaps?
he's expecting a blizzard, perhaps?
a wool greatcoat in summer?
he gets weirder and dumber.
wait! it's worse: now the loon's running laps.
"
"skewed shapes are the chief imperfection
of a pure equal-area projection.
the extent of each state
may be true but i hate
the map's edge?its eccentric complexion.
"
"that devil's not clergiable; he
takes no counsel, prefers to think free.
his response to all clerics?
unbridled hysterics.
my advice, pastor: let the fool be.
"
"what drains ardor from most diabetics?
might pizzazz be perked up with synthetics?
why, with age, do we alter?
must potency falter?
such questions involve energetics.
"
"that's too over-the-top; as you were.
your portrayal's not what i prefer.
it's a techie rebellion;
you're a nerd, not a hellion:
your model's ben stein, not ben-hur.
"
"deep divisions are yet unresolved;
there are too many factors involved?
bridges sundered and burned
where religion's concerned.
these are problems that won't soon be solved.
"
"daisy's days of dishonor draw near:
spinster schoolmarm whom no man holds dear.
her kid sister's to wed;
daisy's lonesome in bed.
she'll dance in the hog trough, we fear.
"
"the cape buffalo's horns are quite wide:
he's eurycerous. horns are his pride.
i won't leave it unsaid
that the breadth of his head
is misleading. there's not much inside.
"
"i can finally hold up my chin.
sales are booming; the dust's pouring in,
and i'm suddenly rich.
still, there's one tragic glitch:
how to ditch my danged wife and her kin!
"
"it was careless?a venial mistake.
she deserves, i insist, a fair shake;
you've overreacted.
she was drowsy, distracted,
when she sat on the president's cake.
"
"from my works you may cite a small part,
says the statute, but know from the start:
follow rules of fair use
(which are, sadly, abstruse),
or my lawyers will tear out your heart.
"
"i'm a stone crusher, bub, and proud of it.
i pulverize rocks, and i love it.
keep your gun; i don't travel.
i have fun and make gravel.
don't get it, you blockhead? then shove it!
"
"against needing it later next week,
i've a stash in a cache by the creek.
i'll remember the place,
and return there, in case?
as a lift if i've had a bad streak.
"
"as our plans, in the end, coalesced,
our concerns, bit by bit, evanesced?
dissolved slowly, like dew.
with the tension gone too,
why the hell were we both so depressed?
"
"so the boss found a new fair-haired boy?
her advisor/companion?her toy.
soon she'll learn he's a rat,
and discard him? like that?
a comeuppance i itch to enjoy.
"
"logorrhea we all should deplore,
but for speakers, less may not be more.
epexegetically adding
that phrase wasn't padding.
it clarified what went before,
"
"i've got several ageable aunts
absolutely addicted to dance.
though all long in the tooth,
they seem graceful with youth
in terpsichore's magical trance.
"
"says the pilot, ""smooth sailing's ahead:
western seas lie ensanguined in red.
look, they mirror the skies.""
but the captain just sighs,
""dusk encrimsoned just fills me with dread.""
"
"she sends love notes to one lucky guy?
all encoded. the angel's too shy
to post love in the open,
so she lies abed hopin'
he deciphers who's sent them, and why.
"
"some marine life's enjoyed a long run,
like echinoderms, starfish for one.
most regenerate parts
(limbs or spines, if not hearts).
such resiliency won't be outdone.
"
"once they flocked from a corner of spain
to find work in our mountain domain.
expert herders of sheep,
basco talents came cheap,
and their work ethic? hard to explain.
"
"back her up till you feel a slight shock?
till her tailgate's end on with the dock.
then our crew will begin
to just slide the load in.
they work fast when they're not on the clock.
"
"adolescents go crazy and squeal;
you expect me to grovel and kneel?
he's a no-talent pest
and i'm flat unimpressed.
so he gyrates to music?big deal!
"
"he's arrested, but folks, be discreet.
pretty soon he's back haunting your street.
so contain your excitement;
it's just an indictment.
he don't care: it's a smudge on his sheet.
"
"let's examine the veins of this leaf,
their aberrant excurrent motif,
reaching outward, beyond
a leaf's natural bond.
unprotected, they're in for some grief.
"
"i swear the man swells by the hour,
every day an extension of power.
though he once seemed a savior,
from this latest behavior
some grovel and some basely cower.
"
"she's the final girl still in contention,
with grace and astounding extension:
her foot poised overhead.
if she does that in bed,
she's in line for a chunk of my pension.
"
"during lockdowns, my school is unreal,
with its prison-like, carceral feel:
from cold gray cement walls
to armed guards in the halls.
need a pee? that's a freakish ordeal.
"
"hit the sack at the beach again, jack?
further proof of the judgment you lack.
now you're baked flaming red
like a lobster shack spread,
and there's blistering all down your back.
"
"check out what the wind just blew in:
andy gump of the fadeaway chin.
there are lips, there are teeth,
then there's nothing beneath
but a fizzle of bone-challenged skin.
"
"our new spire being built by the preacher
is his project, his baby?his creature.
its minutest detail
he's pursued as his grail.
he adores its most trivial feature.
"
"her cat tigger's unfurling its claws,
her mouth fanged like some snakes' upper jaws.
as she coldly observes him,
her posture unnerves him.
""i'm not dinner,"" he thinks, and withdraws.
"
"that skunk! he came on like a rose,
but he's stuck on himself, and it shows.
he grows less and less saintly,
that fake halo glows faintly.
i propose we depose him. he goes!
"
"i was all around stocking up gold,
then got canned?put investing on hold.
lately, life's about nearly.
i've survived, if austerely,
so i'm all around feeling consoled.
"
"come settle my marshland with me.
yes, it's rugged and damp, i agree.
who might live where it's fenny?
i'll grant you: not many,
but the few find it lush and low-key.
"
"in his barracan jacket and hat,
the old gentleman lounged on his mat.
in this heat? how absurd!
before long the man stirred.
i've learned much from that old desert rat.
"
"""catch our new girl: the never-says-nyet one.""
""a duke's mixture, if ever i met one.""
""she's russian-hawaiian
and her name is o'brien.""
""i'm in love! where the heck can i get one?""
"
"""god's forgiveness is nearly consumed.
all are sinners,"" our minister fumed.
""but we few know the way
to survive the dark day.
present parties excepted, we're doomed.""
"
"her hair's cropped; it's her signature do,
cut so short that her scalp's showing through,
and the common belief
that it's everywhere brief
is a subject i yearn to pursue,
"
"passed around in the old hobo camps,
watered down and denatured for tramps
by some heartless distiller,
that dehorn's a killer.
some were lucky, and only got cramps.
"
"all your strutting and fanfaronade
is so bogus?a vulgar fa?ade.
how you posture and crow!
why the girls buy your show
is a puzzlement, honest to god.
"
"so what? so i donned the wrong hat.
still, i'll likely catch flak about that.
it was white tie and topper,
so my homburg's improper?
more grief from the wife (the old bat).
"
"look, the president's boiling the frog,
so his plan's being launched at a jog.
once the strategy's plain,
we're inured to the pain.
then the rest rolls out harsh and whole-hog.
"
"once an eagle owl came for my kitty
as i watched; the results were not pretty.
but nature's not neat;
even owls need to eat.
call the kitties-are-cuties committee.
"
"why so shocked you're suspended? pathetic.
your migration's electrophoretic.
charged particle motions
in a gel or most lotions
are predictable, sure?not frenetic.
"
"friday nights, at the burleycue show,
there they sat, gawking up from below:
aging bankers and schemers?
in the dark, merely dreamers?
up front in the bald-headed row.
"
"our old ""bintel brief"" columns were full
of dilemmas of family and schul:
yiddish bubbes and schneiders,
most lower east siders,
wanting answers?no preaching, no bull.
"
"she's a solid old cabin?my pride.
she's ""all wool and, it's said,  a yard wide,""
built of fieldstone and timber
(i was young, then, and limber),
with dependable fixtures inside.
"
"lewis carroll, a-dabbling in verse
gave us toves labelled slithy, and, worse,
still succumbing to whimsy
made borogoves mimsy.
i pray none of these is a curse.
"
"the pot's cretan, though found near beirut:
basic biscuit with barbotine fruit.
sadly, baked-on clay slip
can too easily chip,
but on this piece, the flaking's minute.
"
"impervious, rigid, unbowed,
the dancer, en pointe, appeared proud:
her epaulement, side-on,
at the act's denouement,
was admired by all eyes in the crowd.
"
"here's a dandyfunk made by my niece,
of molasses, crushed biscuit and grease.
a no-nonsense ship's cook,
she prepares by the book.
if you're tempted to gripe, keep your peace.
"
"there's a boiling arch outside of town
where our maple sap's long been boiled down:
this old furnace of brick
has for years turned the trick.
local syrup's earned worldwide renown.
"
"the aprilian winds have brought damps
and lumbago and muscular cramps.
but we'll soon go a-maying.
come june, we'll be haying,
as always, like granny and gramps.
"
"at the moment, we want room to store stuff:
obscene figurines and decor stuff.
but the chest won't align.
this encoignure works fine:
unobtrusive and holds even more stuff.
"
"we'll be plucking that crown-beard this week?
not king george's (that fussy antique),
but those aster-like blooms
which should brighten our rooms.
they're intruders with overmuch cheek.
"
"as we miscreants long have been dreading,
evangelicalism's lately been spreading:
preachers getting the word out,
and urging the herd out
to church. these are times of hard sledding.
"
"older sisters can keep you in stitches,
and i plied mine with hows, whys and whiches.
caught her naked in bed,
and ""what's that fer?"" i said.
""that's my cat's fur to make kitten britches.""
"
"double eagles are mentioned in wills
although face value's just twenty bills.
each such coin in your hand
should fetch over a grand.
got a box? move to beverly hills.
"
"copulation's my lifelong obsession,
so sleep's but a squandered digression.
in the words of my ex,
""god knows you love sex.""
(if god knows, then i'm skipping confession.)
"
"she was eagerness?quick to excite;
now there's iciness, stiff and polite.
have i come on too strong?
where's her heat? what's gone wrong?
driven off by the cool of the night.
"
"sure, we're floundering?that i'll concede.
you say time's of the essence. agreed.
why not flat-out confess
the whole system's a mess?
more postponements are not what we need.
"
"with all discord discussed and allayed,
all agreed-upon changes now made:
raw materials, siting,
the sharp golden lighting?
junior's ready to sell lemonade.
"
"that cantankerous, angry old cuss,
not affiliated, thank you, with us,
has of late, nonetheless,
used our name with the press.
he's not ours?nothing more to discuss.
"
"adhered algae is fouling my yacht.
the crud's glued to my hull; it's near shot.
add the barnacles, slime
and now tubeworms and grime?
my retirement is going to pot.
"
"years and years of accumulating debt:
so much waste. why are so few upset?
""the economy's healthy;
we'll soak all the wealthy?""
the word from the president's jet.
"
"criminy! what did you do?
it'll kindle a hullabaloo.
like a pinball game's ""tilt,""
you've brought down what we built.
even privately, that word's taboo.
"
"i demand, in my kitchen, control,
with the bliss point my ultimate goal.
every dish i present
is a flawless event:
a consummate, sublime, perfect whole.
"
"though a dope puller's job's never pleasant,
it's the best luke can land for the present.
he hides his distaste
as he clears greasy waste
from the lube box?fine work, for a peasant.
"
"by the great hall the bottlery stands,
stocking all that fine feasting demands.
so what's held within shines:
rare provisions, fine wines.
and its bounty, with richness, expands.
"
"as a fencer, i duel each day.
should you cross me, you'd best drop and pray.
let me catch you off guard
and i'll  come at you hard,
armed with cutlass?no wussy epee.
"
"our bedchamber vista's our best,
where the land drops away to the west.
are we less than demure?
is it wicked? i'm sure.
still we savor each sunset? undressed.
"
"choose our venue, provide a warm start:
spanish moss on live oaks; you'll look smart?
your occasion's reality,
our old south hospitality
in the big house, the farmstead's vast heart.
"
"i go bushwhacking off-trail with friends,
and by sunset each hike often ends.
volunteering as searchers,
we feel the work nurtures
the keenness that nature intends.
"
"second booking?an obvious foul?
he's sent off now; it's futile to howl.
down a man, there's no chance
for our side to advance,
but we can't simply throw in the towel.
"
"epexegetic enhancements are free:
added words meant to help the crowd see
what's the point, what's the gist,
to burn off mental mist,
but go easy, you don't want a scree.
"
"bird's nest pudding? now, where do i start?
it's a custardy baked apple tart
with a crisp golden crust
(now, that ""crisp"" part's a must)?
grandma's recipe?close to my heart.
"
"you claim deference. why? based on what?
on your vestments? your girth? surely not!
your inherited worth,
or based solely on birth?
you're a zero: the sultan of squat.
"
"for a time i've been trying my hand
as a fence rider, girdling the land:
fallen posts, mangled wires,
meet my shovel and pliers.
it don't pay, but the setting is grand.
"
"a raccoon had his way with the cat
in the barnyard one night; feature that!
hard to credit? well, maybe,
but the cat's dropped her baby.
it reminds me of daniel boone's hat.
"
"please repeat that; i'm losing my head.
any chance it was ""let's go to bed""?
my due diligence slipped
when you stood and unzipped,
and, diverted, i missed what you said.
"
"bill buckley's a well-known eristic.
i'll debate him, but be realistic:
he'll prevail; that's his game?
likely put me to shame,
and ingeniously: buckley's artistic.
"
"brother morgan, the preacher, declaims
about godless, accursed hand-held games.
then he spies mrs. morgan
blasting orcs at the organ.
his glare makes her burst into flames.
"
"in the pillow where gran laid her head
was a feather crown?there, on the bed?
shaped by angels, some say,
for her last placid day.
she'd be welcomed, the mass clearly said.
"
"watch your skirt; take the  cross thwart, my dear.
(my, she's tasty, examined from here.)
yes, the skiff's seats are low:
a bit awkward, i know.
(what a bonus?her panties are sheer!)
"
"our honeymoon, sadly, was brief:
that first day, we fetched up on a reef
and then waged our first quarrel
up high on the coral.
make-up sex is beyond all belief.
"
"fetch about, cap; thar's weather ahead.
change our tack or we'll all wind up dead.
this is hurricane season;
ain't that enough reason?
my sweetie waits warm in our bed.
"
"work, work, work since the day i was hired;
now i'm frazzled and so fetching tired.
it'll mean taking flak,
but now on i'll ease back.
why obsess? i'll do just what's required.
"
"i'd been drifting a rather long while,
then fetched up on my tropical isle,
safely beached and ashore,
fish and breadfruit galore.
what, me worry? i'm living in style.
"
"use a crush spread when trading in soybeans
(matters not if you hate or enjoy beans):
concurrently buying
and selling, defying
the trends?a fine way to employ beans.
"
"a danseuse limbers up at the barre
stirring visions intense and bizarre.
how deliciously fetching
there, bending and stretching?
enchanting! but dreams go too far.
"
"before she does it, you do the same:
beat the bitch at her own nasty game.
next time she drops the ball,
don't let her make the call:
let everyone know who's to blame.
"
"he's a person of huge consequentiality,
once the soul of this rural locality.
yet why has he slipped,
his great eminence chipped?
something lurid?some crude triviality.
"
"in an alcove, there's curved marble seating
used for many an intimate meeting?
trysts sweet but forbidden.
the exedra's hidden
from those on the lookout for cheating.
"
"closed drainage holds run-off from rains
that a pond, lake or basin retains.
with no efflux, no route
for a stream to flow out,
into inland depressions it drains.
"
"that carnivorous look in his eyes
makes her feel like two hot dogs with fries.
so it seems he's esurient,
not lustful and prurient?
he drools as he ogles her thighs.
"
"cooked, briarroot tolerates heat,
so the shrub is a pipe maker's treat.
it's a middling sized tree
grown throughout the maquis
yielding wood that's a smoker's elite.
"
"we've got hardhats who don't break a sweat,
but just stand 'round the site getting wet.
not a one can be fired;
they're all union-required:
damn featherbedding?screws with our net.
"
"he's desacralized; don't call him ""saint.""
but i couldn't tell auntie?she'd faint.
broke the news to her slowly;
she insisted, ""he's holy.
sure, he's answered my every complaint.""
"
"crowded worksites feel barren and sad,
so a cube farm's no place for a lad?
or a lass, come to that
(prairie dogging to chat).
claustrophobia's driving us mad.
"
"disrespect can't be borne; this means war!
we'll ensanguine the hills with their gore.
let their rivers run red.
let the worms  eat their dead.
we'll lay waste till our sword arms are sore.
"
"being always deplorably late
makes an odious start for a date.
what we've planned for the night
rarely opens just right,
but the close makes it seem worth the wait.
"
"my profligate ways need recasting,
so i'll pray during two weeks of fasting.
mustn't beg the lord's grace
while i'm stuffing my face?
play this right, i'll have life everlasting.
"
"a breaking plow slices tough roots,
busting sod laced with rhizomes and shoots.
once an eight-oxen team,
later diesel or steam
drew this blessing no farmer disputes.
"
"someone neuter him now, or he'll spawn.
his mentality's that of a prawn.
he's convinced that he knows;
that's as far as it goes?
that holier-than-thou bien-pensant.
"
"it seemed people were losing their charm,
and i needed a shot in the arm.
i've found somewhere to go
that's helped soften the blow.
as a cushion, i'm leasing a farm.
"
"move right! something hot's coming through.
join the crawler lane's leisurely queue.
you're beginning to fade,
you can't handle this grade.
i've got juice, but it's too steep for you.
"
"these expatriate delicatessens
teach behavior-based, usable lessons:
though folks move far away,
tastes of home every day
fend off homesickness?foods can be blessin's.
"
"quit your soapbox a minute. let's chat.
i'm accustomed to living with fat.
i grow ampler and ampler
with each whitman's sampler.
i will not give up chocolate; that's that!
"
"what a wall-to-wall mind, and elastic?
""eco-sutures""?the concept's fantastic!
such conceptual blends
often influence trends.
this man's genius i'd call esemplastic.
"
"he's away on his quest to behold
the fabled lost cities of gold
(of tradition and song).
he's been gone a bit long.
i blame mapquest; its sources are old.
"
"in ors, exposed fingers are banned.
we use finger cots here. understand?
sort of condoms for midgets
or rubbers for digits,
they ward off tiny cuts on your hand.
"
"we've had applicants, man, and a ton of 'em.
next we'll fingerprint every last one of 'em.
once the grooves on their fingers
help sort out the ringers,
bet your ass we'll be hiring none of 'em.
"
"while the rest of us gossiped and ate,
you fastidiously poked at your plate.
""the damn eggs are too runny;
i expect clover honey.""
your pickiness made us all late.
"
"finno-ugric, of magyar and finnish,
is a language group spread kind of thin-ish.
sounding odd, they're a struggle
to learn for this muggle
as i age and my talents diminish.
"
"with dinner tonight we had beet greens,
though my wife's well aware i don't eat greens.
she says i should diet;
i'll grudgingly try it.
guess what's hiding a small piece of meat? greens.
"
"her bien-pensant, orthodox mind
is just not to dissension inclined.
she's always been taught,
life has no second thought:
what god wrought needn't be redesigned.
"
"when i said, ""sibyl brought down the house,""
it was figurative. sibyl's a mouse,
and too weak for such feats.
but the crowd left their seats
when she gracefully peeled off her blouse.
"
"he's been fiercely attacked in the press.
he's no longer their darling, i guess.
they've lit into him?hard.
now he's skittish and scarred?
a bit much for a drubbing in chess.
"
"back when rommel was more than a comer, he
was field marshal, facing montgomery.
their combative commands
braved north african sands.
it was hot (just a summery summary).
"
"audie field-strips his weapon like that!
it's in pieces in twelve seconds flat.
when he tries reassembly,
his fingers turn trembly.
at the test range, hold on to your hat.
"
"she approaches; my loin starts to stir.
i'd resist, but my mind is a blur.
she'll move mountains with sex,
with that heat she projects.
raw eroticism's natural to her.
"
"children's games have a clean ebb and flow?
simple rules in a simple tableau.
""annie-over!"" we call;
friends unseen chase the ball.
certain joys i've no wish to outgrow.
"
"he's discovered the joys of the bed.
now he's altar-bound, yearning to wed.
at church picnics and dances
he's taking his chances.
he'll seek till that hankering's fed.
"
"my hound cold-trails a man with the best.
each pursuit is relentless, obsessed.
though a creep escapee
may believe he's home free,
before long, he's back under arrest.
"
"his idea'd never reach execution;
it's a facilely formed contribution,
sensitivities, specs?
this issue's complex:
arctic trash heaps won't wipe out pollution.
"
"air your lungs; it will do you no good?
can't imagine whyever it should.
all that piercing profanity!
some question your sanity.
you're bound to be misunderstood.
"
"now the cab of my train's overhauled,
with new safety equipment installed.
no more ""trainload goodbye""
if i black out or die?
dead man's handle, it's cheerfully called.
"
"this defoliated tree will soon die.
someone's cruelly murdered this guy.
he's been chemically scalded?
denuded and balded.
he'll regenerate? pie in the sky.
"
"this now abrogated contract's defunct,
and, worthless, deserved to be junked.
its parameters? useless.
executors? juice-less.
the team that conceived it has flunked.
"
"declining prices? well, what's going down:
blue chip stocks or a night on the town?
though if wall street flat tanks,
that night out might mean franks,
chick-fil-a or some joint with a clown.
"
"bob and jilly are parents ? at last.
jilly cockers the kid; bob's aghast.
the squirt's coddled, protected,
but bob's just dejected:
wild sex is a thing of the past.
"
"""bare thy blade and avert not thy eye;
there's a dragon, a firedrake nearby:
a huge, fierce flying snake
whose hot breath would thee bake.""
wizard warnings one daren't defy.
"
"damn! the field hands are fixin' to strike.
i'll have somebody's head on a spike.
only firebrands win
if the crops ain't brought in.
union meddlers should all take a hike.
"
"catastrophically out of control,
he's exploding from deep in his soul.
rage endogenously grown,
fury bred in the bone
must abate, but will first take its toll.
"
"he's a prophet, he claims, and sees far,
but his armomancy's worse than bizarre.
read my shoulder bones? nuts!
he's a quack and a putz?
and the soul of o'shaughnessy's bar.
"
"as a firebreak, this clearing is lame.
all this brush is just fuel to a flame.
we cut clean for a reason:
this hot, windy season.
do it right or i'll know who's to blame.
"
"she was dappled: her cheeks and her nose,
and a freckle fest under her clothes?
angel kisses. how sweet,
just like tenderized meat.
i determined right then to propose.
"
"from these benchlands, we harvest the vine;
rocky terrace-grown grapes do just fine.
helped by mists from the river,
our vineyards deliver
california's most savory wine.
"
"has some store run a fire sale on attitude?
no one's gracious these days. where's the gratitude?
seems the id's in control,
and it's taken its toll:
self-indulgence with infinite latitude.
"
"all things finite, my friend, have an end.
carpe diem's what i recommend.
therefore play, don't delay.
let yourself go astray.
do it now! you've your youth to misspend.
"
"the elder may not look like much,
but its berries perform in the clutch.
and the elderflowers produce
some flavorsome juice
used in cordials and syrups and such.
"
"eradication's befitting their kind.
kill them all, leave no issue behind?
evil scourge of the earth,
without value or worth?
damned roaches! just peta will mind.
"
"she's beside me, but deaf to my voice.
i'm not music, so ipod's her choice.
if she'd pay some attention,
she might hear me mention
my intention to leave her for joyce.
"
"we speak only fine english, my dear,
no bilabial fricatives here.
once a spaniard appeared
voicing b's that were weird,
with just lips. i distrusted my ear.
"
"though we've argued, i'm first to relent
once she's bathed?it's that blossomy scent.
when her aura turns floral,
my notions turn oral.
what ensues leaves me calmed and content.
"
"newly air-conditioned gramercy park,
our retreat from the heat (what a lark!):
here, hermetically sealed,
all the fat and well-heeled
walk designer dogs. each leaves his mark.
"
"she's no lover of trinkets, my sal:
not a gewgaw, no flashy fallal.
but a plain golden band
on her delicate hand
says ""move on and begone from me, pal.""
"
"some wee fairy's about; i can tell,
as the dairy's developed a smell.
if that fabulous fay
has for too long held sway,
the whole larder will turn to his spell.
"
"it's a frankish capitulary: laws
of the court, and not missing a clause!
it's not charlemagne's, sadly,
but we need such texts badly.
we've got copies; they're riddled with flaws.
"
"third-class coaches are crude and subpar.
we move west on our emigrant car.
what's awaiting us there?
well, at least we'll find air!
but montana's improbably far.
"
"they make vicious, flagitious incursions.
using threats, they're enforcing conversions.
and they broadcast their actions.
don't quote me; some factions
have accused me of racist aspersions.
"
"our survival shack's primitive, crude,
but we've stacked it with ambient food,
an emergency hoard
that will keep where it's stored,
to be tapped when the world comes unglued.
"
"scouting bedmates: a walk in the park
in the dives where the shadows are stark.
but her face?does it matter?
a feast fills your platter,
'cause all cats are gray in the dark.
"
"out of options? then act, but act now.
make the one play your plight might allow.
standing pat has been hell,
so break out; might as well:
you can't dance and it's too wet to plow.
"
"says her shrink, her affective disorder
is ""when feelings slosh over the border,""
when ""one's mood's out of whack.""
her last panic attack
was unnerving?the force of it floored her.
"
"don't go home yet?the night's not complete:
there's an after-party; join me, my sweet.
bring your high from the rave,
clean forget to behave,
and mix sweats with the showbiz elite.
"
"when a few sheets of paper are fused
for academy board, it's then used
as a surface for paint.
though today it seems quaint,
in the past, it had artists enthused.
"
"if it's published at all, it would be
by an academic press, doc. you'll see.
crammed with recondite knowledge,
it might find a college
and be read for some useless degree.
"
"he's despondent, bereft of desire.
even troopers need fuel for the fire.
a cup too damn low,
he can't manage the show.
he'll perk up when he's just a shot higher.
"
"sue's my godchild; i'll not let you date her.
more prosperous prospects await her,
you abbreviated piece
of nothing. my niece
is rebelling now; wisdom comes later.
"
"""the balloon glass is large, stemmed and rounded,""
he declared, and how pompous he sounded?
then went on to disclose
how it ""holds the grape's nose.""
i held mine. i prefer to stay grounded.
"
"a few pizza joint tools are tangential,
but my baker's peel's proven essential.
repositioning pies?
any type, any size,
it diminishes mishap potential.
"
"some sausage, i find, is delicious,
but the content's too often suspicious.
so most bags of mystery
i shun. we have history:
in my gut they erupt and turn vicious.
"
"our treasured apothecary chest
shows its age?deeply stained and distressed.
in a score of wee drawers,
once a chemist kept stores
and devices?and one furry guest.
"
"my backroom boys' groundwork's a blessing.
with their aid, i've been safely progressing.
overworked, underpaid,
too obscure to get laid,
they keep probing, thank god, and obsessing.
"
"the blue azure stone (lapis) is duly
sought after by some like yours truly.
yet it's snubbed and disdained
as ""that rock cheaply stained?
how gaudy!"" they're judging it cruelly.
"
"you've got babies-in-the-eyes: a reflection?
of whom? this bears further inspection:
tiny mirrors of me
to a pint-sized degree
on both orbs, and with all my perfection.
"
"it's ghost-plagued and far from baronial:
a two-hundred-year-old colonial
with papers to prove it.
you're forbidden to move it.
any change would need god's testimonial.
"
"early evening's when patience grows thinner:
kids are home, but it's early for dinner.
dispositions turn sour;
it's the arsenic hour.
the first to the table's the winner.
"
"their amour de voyage was miscast,
thought their intimates, clearly aghast.
but that shipboard romance,
that delectable dance,
was intense and one helluva blast.
"
"through this valley, vast glaciers once flowed,
their broad shoulders conveying a load,
as you'll clearly deduce
from the gravel ground loose
and the boulder trains lining this road.
"
"use your ice axe to chop out a chunk
of the glacier's blue ice to be drunk.
and then melt it. it's old
and delightfully cold,
and purer than aquifer junk.
"
"once you realize black-collar trades
can turn nasty, their charm quickly fades.
the black market's illicit
and risks are implicit,
but the yield! so corruption pervades.
"
"he stands firm in his guard post all day,
never batting an eyelid, okay?
stolid stoic devotion?
wait! a hint of emotion:
he's batted an eyelid at faye.
"
"at a loss for the words? remain quiet.
if she beggars description, don't try it.
should a shape strike you numb,
don't babble, succumb:
you're smitten. why try to deny it?
"
"i don't breakfast. i'd rather just munch,
then a nice barley sandwich for lunch.
one more glass of cold beer
as the evening draws near,
then i eat: pickled pigs' feet and punch.
"
"he proposes; his girl acquiesces
with a flurry of heartfelt caresses.
comes a turn for the worse,
as she shifts to reverse,
backing water. the chump reassesses.
"
"of integrity pols are bereft.
a damn beauty contest's all we have left.
each event's neatly staged,
so we've all disengaged
and lost sight of who's warp and who's weft.
"
"""how much ammo, sarge? what's your advice?""
""one banana clip-full should suffice.
once the mujahideen
spot that long magazine,
they'll skedaddle like hairy-ass mice.""
"
"""clean up?the first tee's in an an hour.
use the ball-washer, dude?why so sour?""
""i don't want to sound rude,
but a ball-washer dude?
makes me squeamish. i think i'll just shower.""
"
"we've got c-rations, some fit to eat,
with their tins of unspecified meat
(which some claim is wombat.
but hell, this is combat),
and coffee and fudge. ain't that sweet!
"
"sitting large in the rear of this barn
is our kier, used for fabric or yarn.
it does bleaching or bucking
(not bathing or ducking)?
wait?does any of you give a darn?
"
"he's loud, but he ain't got the goods?
all excuses, all oughttas and shoulds?
brutum fulmen. the loser
might bray like a bruiser,
but i doubt he'd break wind in the woods.
"
"are you comfy?at home and relaxed?
and your work load?not stressed, overtaxed?
love to keep you around,
and we're sure you'll rebound,
but we've found you, well, shiftless. you're axed.
"
"""you awoke to a smoke and some joe
for at least forty days in a row.
that's disgusting,"" you say.
while i feel your dismay,
that's my breakfast of champions, bro.
"
"once again the mideast is inflamed;
is an envoy extraordinary named?
it's a delicate mission,
no hope of fruition:
certain parties will never be tamed.
"
"boutique farming has muddled my mind:
raise alpacas, leave cattle behind?
itty-bitty potatoes
and ugly tomatoes?
i'm confused and left dragging behind.
"
"nose to tail, racers roar round the track?
cut the wind from up front and in back.
this drafting, effective
from each car's perspective,
adds speed to each car in a pack.
"
"once we'd build things and know where stuff goes,
but it's aftertimes now; no one knows.
now the simplest productions
have books of instructions
with poor graphics and translated prose.
"
"on certain occasions, he barks,
which of course can prompt cutesy remarks.
aboiements, he's been told:
beastly noise, uncontrolled.
now it's gotten him barred from the parks.
"
"from a diner in kalamazoo:
""finish up, son; kids starve in peru.""
""i will not clean my plate.
ma, the food here ain't great;
even poor kids would spew up this stew.""
"
"elimination is ruling stuff out,
like opponents or foods that cause gout.
through a process thus named,
apprehensions are tamed
by clinicians, expungers of doubt.
"
"his position completely beset,
he still dithers, no strategy yet:
no resolve, no design.
has the man got no spine?
what a flaccid response to a threat!
"
"the camel's nose here is control:
it enlarges the government's role.
though the bill seems benign,
enforcement by fine
is a bureaucrat's ace in the hole.
"
"he deserves telling off, but he's scary.
i know just what to do: send for mary.
yes, big mary?the fat one.
she's a fire-eater, that one,
and ornery, loud and contrary.
"
"at first blush, she seems primed for romance
when she turns to me fresh from her dance.
still, that look proves misleading:
her glow offers breeding,
but her lips say, ""forget it?no chance.""
"
"you're congested, my friend; don't you see?
every branch of your bronchial tree.
any moment, i swear,
you'll be gasping for air.
call a plumber. you're clogged with debris.
"
"""a magnificent broken-field run,""
said the coach to his man. ""that was fun!""
""you slip right through that hole,
make a streak for the goal?
barely touched. the acclaim's just begun.""
"
"for you cabbage pounders, golf can get tough.
there you are again, stuck in the rough.
try some dynamite, cheat,
or accept your defeat,
'cause your chipping wedge won't be enough.
"
"this magnum holds more than old dreck
says the bottle ticket hung round its neck.
the small plaque on a chain,
in the vintner's domain,
asserts ""this is a good one."" i'll check.
"
"we'd meet up after chores and talk sin,
tellin' lies, passin' time countin' kin:
my two cousins in jail
to your three out on bail?
summer nights out behind stuckey's gin.
"
"under flextime, not much is taboo,
though your core hours remain nine till two,
when the crowds shuffle in
seeking vodka or gin,
and for melodies fittingly blue.
"
"like pineapples, figs are collective,
which succeeeds from an eater's perspective:
several flowers combine
in a fruit, which is fine,
if peculiar. god's found it effective.
"
"said doc dingle, a bit of a quack,
""you've got years of accumulated plaque:
layered crud in your butt.
let's re-route your whole gut.""
i skedaddled and never looked back.
"
"use a coarse salt; its much larger grain
makes its presence apparent and plain,
thus avoiding deceit.
it'll kosher your meat,
though quite how isn't strictly germane.
"
"as a purist, i often resent
where a climbing bolt aids the ascent,
where it lures the unwary.
mountaineering is hairy;
these anchors were not god's intent.
"
"penning verse has become but a chore,
yet i'll climb my parnassus once more.
may, this next time, my rhyme
be uniquely sublime,
one apollo himself shan't ignore.
"
"the blue vase sold at auction in nice
is a clair-de-lune porcelain piece.
rather old?early qing,
this so-delicate thing
sold too low and will surely increase.
"
"i've got circular breathing to master
for oboe?so far, a disaster.
it's air in through the nose
all the time the mouth blows.
but i faint. must my nose-work be faster?
"
"bubba's? fine for some coffee and cake,
but steer clear of their chicken-fried steak:
the damn batter's rock-hard,
the sauce largely lard
and the ""beef""?hell, it's probably snake.
"
"an apple worm thrives within fruit,
seeking moth-hood?its stubborn pursuit.
it's been found to infest
several tree fruits, the pest?
larval codling moths, small but not cute.
"
"demand cumberland sauce for your ham.
honey glaze by itself is a sham.
currant jelly in port
with a zest of some sort?
serve it chilled or it's not worth a damn.
"
"i got called up to major league ball?
a cup of coffee with philly was all.
seven days in ""the show""
(it's my hummer?too slow),
so goodbye to my place in the hall.
"
"though security there was outmoded,
it was filming when rover exploded.
it was your crud she swallowed
then the grisly stuff followed.
the tape's been cued up and it's loaded.
"
"midst the clash of familial prides,
rules of esnecy state who divides
poppa's lands and all shares
among all-female heirs:
eldest daughter's the voice that decides.
"
"as we've hatched this young falcon, this eyas,
his lordship, we pray, won't deny us.
we shall feed it on mice
(first their pups should suffice)
so there's nothing to beg him to buy us.
"
"daily dinner here's barely alright:
cowboy caviar (name's a delight)?
just your basic baked beans
served with nondescript greens
on the side. yup, you're farting all night.
"
"i'm a long-term cooperator here,
and board president year after year.
you're a shareholder? vote!
as a wise man once wrote:
solidarity conquers our fear.
"
"our converted rice, steamed and then dried,
is by purists unjustly decried:
it's nature subverted,
they'd have us alerted.
but the best part's just driven inside.
"
"maxwell's sculptured, hard-working and tanned,
but his core asset's sought-after land.
so he husbands it well:
always lease, never sell,
and since woodstock all concerts are banned.
"
"the old nag ain't caught on to it yet,
and thank god, 'cause i'll never forget
those gymnastically hot,
lovely days on the yacht?
dirty weekends with bouncing babette.
"
"the sun, gone for a while, is unbowed,
as his rays still escape through the cloud.
devil's smiles these are named,
as the beast's yet untamed.
heaven frowns, some say. lucifer's proud.
"
"we've got fine campus eateries, but
the old dairy bar's closed?funding cut.
i'll miss ""omelet supreme""
and their fresh-made ice cream.
well, there's always the burger joint glut.
"
"there's design bedding up on her hill,
and (how clever) the blossoms spell bill.
her devotion's thus seen
on a carpet of green?
hope the interstate hordes get a thrill.
"
"she had driven her ducks, it was said,
to a mighty poor market instead
of her marrying well.
she'd been living in hell
till she butchered the bully in bed.
"
"i'd dispose of some verbs if i could.
they refuse to behave as they should.
the verb can is defective
from a usage perspective:
missing parts in a verb can't be good.
"
"with enthusiasms vast as the sky,
he's a deep-dish, intense sort of guy,
not a hint of discretion;
each like's an obsession.
his lusts have him endlessly high.
"
"at court, the defendant appeared
in a deely-bobber notably weird:
from her headband sprung eyes
of remarkable size
bouncing wildly. the gallery cheered.
"
"hang your shit on my ape hangers, honey:
custom handlebars, well worth the money.
extra high, extra wide,
they look hot on my ride,
and ain't nobody'd dare call them ""funny.""
"
"he's below the proverbial salt.
though he's lowly, it isn't his fault.
still, he takes to your daughter
like a duck does to water.
put a stop to it, jack. call a halt.
"
"can't hang ten on your waxy-assed board?
get a grip, man; you're out of your gourd.
add some deck grips, i mean;
you might just make eighteen.
a wipe-out's not pretty. good lord!
"
"a geologist's learned conclusions:
""that's country rock laced with intrusions.
younger igneous dikes
mimic backbones or spikes
in the wall rock, like molten transfusions.""
"
"queued for days in the same damn position?
first to own is a dumb competition.
even i, an obsessive,
find the dwell time oppressive.
but quit? i'd be hanged for sedition.
"
"that he's sober for months says a lot,
but he can't kick the life of a sot:
he's disorganized, glum.
who knows what will become
of that dry drunk? the man's lost the plot.
"
"the ojibwe knew something of sleep,
of its demons, which gnaw at you, deep.
certain magical things
of odd feathers and strings
served as dream-catchers. mine's earned its keep.
"
"the king's heir, at long last, has been found,
introduced to his subjects and crowned.
now he's rolled up his sleeves
and is weeding out thieves.
we are satisfied down to the ground.
"
"my brother and i had a pact:
with two sisters we'd each ""do the act.""
well, we married the pair?
tied the knots fair and square.
double cousins came after the fact.
"
"i shan't disaccommodate thee;
thy convenience means all things to me,
prithee lie thee beside
me, as i, a new bride,
am convenient as any could be.
"
"we've got handles and hinges and locks
that'll knock you right out of your socks.
keep your brass-work from drawers;
we dismantle old doors.
resurrected door furniture rocks.
"
"i read palms (and a girl could do worse).
here on yours there's a hint of a curse.
hon, what have you been kissing;
your heart line's gone missing:
not a trace of your distal transverse.
"
"our old home is now empty, a shell.
it was pop's express wish that we sell.
there's no doubt we'll all miss it,
but the will is explicit:
""dump the dump, kids; it's started to smell.""
"
"they look luscious placed there on the table:
dessert grapes, or so reads the label.
though wine grapes are sweeter,
these, seedless, are neater.
as to hue, grapes range sunny to sable.
"
"the emergent year after bc
was the crossover time to ad.
there are many such years?
days when something premieres,
so our calendars may not agree.
"
"i keep searching the sweetest sweet shops
for my favorite raspberry drops.
sucking candy's my vice
(at a sensible price)?
not godiva, but give 'em their props.
"
"tonight's firefight was daunting but brief:
lots of noise, but, thank god, little grief.
end results? inconclusive.
implications elusive.
while it raged, though, i shook like a leaf.
"
"as charon the ferryman's fee,
here's a penny. it's some guarantee
he'll convey you across.
that old boatman's the boss
on the styx; his approval is key.
"
"that's your cover, recruit, not your ""hat,""
as your weapon is never your ""gat.""
a marine's in the game
once he's learned a thing's name.
a damn hat's for a doctor seuss cat.
"
"during evals, we're nothing but smiles:
the boss is reviewing our files.
we're respectful and sweet,
with all projects complete.
she asks, ""problems?"" a suite of denials.
"
"when you're forced to take meals on the fly,
have cupholder cuisine standing by.
while you're driving, it's there;
scarf it down, say a prayer.
give convenience that old college try.
"
"""i've got answers,"" chuck chortles with glee,
""and all cribbed from the monitor's key.""
that's a pretty fine source,
so we jump chuck, of course.
i've got answers?yes, wily old me.
"
"row on row, in the dark, sit the hordes,
while these footlights illumine my boards.
all those eyes scan my face
in this magical place.
the attention's the best of awards.
"
"broadway's glamor is hard to deny;
in the footlights, you're some other guy.
picture me on the boards:
adoration, awards.
so i contemplate callbacks? and sigh.
"
"there's rage in each well-chosen word;
every syllable sings to the herd.
she's fomenting rebellion
and bedlam, that hellion.
can't ignore her?the bitch will be heard.
"
"in the twenties, aunt lulu loved dancing,
short dresses, bobbed hair and romancing:
life was sweet for this flapper.
now, lulu's a napper,
at peace as old time is advancing.
"
"your lab tech's intense, overwrought,
but his data's indeed food for thought.
still, if after review, it
proves out, we can skew it
our way, or our work's gone for naught.
"
"self-employed, uninsured, you get whacked.
it's defined as a ""fineable act,""
so the tax goons grab more.
move your business offshore,
'cause you can't beat the odds here; they're stacked.
"
"nab the varmints; let none get away.
jean's a genius with cockroach flamb?.
they're first bathed in fine brandy
(which, of course, jean keeps handy),
presented, ignited. ol?!
"
"that fakir is an obvious faker?
a three-dollar bill like jim bakker,
who'll perform for the bucks
of the commonplace clucks.
hail to humbug, a sure profit maker.
"
"port propeller's beginning to stutter;
we can feather the blades, not just shut her.
that'll level the pitch
so we won't need to ditch.
on one prop, we'll fly smooth as warm butter.
"
"in a prison escape, it adds glamour
when a gunfighter's fanning his hammer.
with the trigger removed,
speed of firing's improved.
(how'd that handgun get into the slammer?)
"
"detailed planning just leads to frustrations.
when i move, it's without preparations.
to fly by the seat
of your pants can't be beat:
it routinely defeats expectations.
"
"although twitter's been taken by storm,
smiley's acts were in rather poor form:
half-nude video stunts
that went viral at once
'cause they fly in the face of the norm.
"
"she'd done well in a lucrative sphere,
but my daughter has dumped her career.
she's now one of those crazies
distributing daisies?
a flower child and happy? i hear.
"
"that old teamster won't get any thinner
feeding daily on bowls of boiled dinner.
still, at least it's complete?
all those veggies and meat,
and at meals, he's one damned hungry skinner.
"
"patience pays; she's at last hit the mark:
found a man with a floor-through on park
(the whole thirty-third story).
now she basks in her glory,
content?what a life, what a lark.
"
"that crew out at state are the groggiest
wonks in d.c., and the soggiest?
fried before four,
unaware we're at war.
folks at foggy bottom haven't the foggiest.
"
"she embodied my every desire,
her flip-flops her only attire?
barely shielding her feet
from the sand's summer heat.
i stayed cool but my loins were on fire.
"
"there's something this fireplace is lacking:
ornamental and functional backing,
like a fire-back of steel.
it would also conceal
the old stonework that's visibly cracking.
"
"these abuses she's merely inferred:
all constructive, despite how we're stirred.
""my old man was abusive,""
she swears. proof's elusive
of a memory that never occurred.
"
"""ballerinas must own first position""
was our tutor's routine admonition,
""stand as light as a feather,
toes apart, heels together.""
(who'd do that of her own damned volition?)
"
"his false piety's easy to see.
he's a hypocrite, human debris.
his acts? sanctimonious?
not vile and felonious.
we all feign to a certain degree.
"
"wait a moment. i've got a suspicion
that this volume's a true first edition
of tartuffe, worth a mint?
the play's first time in print.
what a find! it's my lifetime ambition.
"
"you're the worst of your outfit, hands down,
a damned malcontent, false to the crown.
so it's ""rogue's march"" for you,
no more stirring tattoo.
face the music and get out of town.
"
"it's all over; relax awhile now.
let this eye pillow rest on your brow.
it will block the harsh light
with a pressure just right.
you need soothing?the eye pillow's how.
"
"downtown phoenix, a hot summer's day:
august's torrid inertia holds sway.
a large flash mob assembles
dons gear that resembles
banditos', then stages a play.
"
"convince karen (she's trendy and cute),
and her classmates will soon follow suit.
an exemplar of style
to the school's rank and file,
she's a leader, and wealthy to boot.
"
"though she's gifted beyond all compare,
and no doubt we're a hell of a pair,
to my great disappointment,
there's a fly in the ointment:
her size. there's so much of her there!
"
"this faberg? egg was bedecked
and begemmed for the rich and select?
for the czar's own czarina
or a first ballerina.
so give the old tchotchke respect.
"
"gilded feathers bedizen the hat
on his wrinkle-assed, fur-challenged cat.
and his ermine-lined tux?
liberace redux!
man, how freaking flamboyant is that?
"
"""you look shot!"" ""i'm a mighty tired feller.""
""use my foldaway bed in the cellar.""
""gotta hide from the wife.
she's the soul of my life,
and a beaut, but at times she's a heller.""
"
"they serve duchess potatoes; that's rare.
they're a bit of a pain to prepare:
mashed, shaped, seasoned and baked
(not a step can be faked)
golden brown?quite a treat if you dare.
"
"are you down on your uppers of late?
is your piggy bank way underweight?
are you penniless, dragging?
(forgive me my nagging.)
still, there's hope for a lad of but eight.
"
"just a flare-up, that's all?send a nurse.
stop your keening; it's making it worse.
it's recurrent malaria,
so hold the hysteria.
which of my wives sent the hearse?
"
"an evocative feast for the eyes
shimmers temptingly, west of that rise.
once again i feel conned.
it's another false pond,
a mirage that reflects empty skies.
"
"a foreign body invaded my eye?
something nasty that plunged from the sky.
and it feels like a boulder
shut down my beholder.
i'm impaired, doc. i can't even cry.
"
"does  the earth have four corners? i doubt it.
but it's vast, and make no doubt about it.
an inveterate rover,
i've scoured the world over.
had i found them, by golly i'd shout it.
"
"we'd return from our daily patrols
to cold joe and a bowlful of holes.
they were donut holes, true,
and we'd pop quite a few.
the fried dough seemed to bolster our souls.
"
"the uk as we've known it is through.
sound the trumpets or blow the kazoo?
the p.m. and his minions
shared valid opinions,
but who's driven by downing street's view?
"
"do your print-outs continue for miles?
then de-dupe all identical files
(although one should survive
once you've cleaned out your drive).
dump those doubles?your harvest is smiles.
"
"we produced till the night of the quake.
shutting down then, we made a clean  break.
to persist was no use?
force majeure our excuse.
the land shrugs; little's left in its wake.
"
"the arri?re-garde is my soi-disant clique.
nothing trendy's for me?nothing chic.
social media? why?
i'm a d?mod? guy
who buys clothes at the bygones boutique.
"
"first groundwork, then selling the ""suits,""
next production?it's time for first fruits.
once promotions begin,
we'll start raking it in.
every tween will need sandal-top boots.
"
"with his choice of establishing shot,
a director advances his plot.
then, intrigued or enraptured,
the viewers are captured:
drawn in, as if there, on the spot.
"
"i'm not asking devotion of you,
just some tender caressing would do.
i'm in need of repair:
rub my back, stroke my hair,
then a cuddle. i'm sure i'll pull through.
"
"your light touch sets my consciousness free?
bless?d bliss in the highest degree,
all my nerve endings thrumming.
don't stop, keep it coming.
my darling, you ecstasize me.
"
"it's been said i'm a failure at chess.
these canards, here and now, i address:
certain sweet recollections,
perfervid reflections,
have merely deferred my success.
"
"the book's special, but take my advice:
it's got foxing, so lower your price.
water spots are a drag,
an unfortunate snag.
may i ask why you've kept it on ice?
"
"from the spider web's outermost line,
its foundation, depends its design.
and though this line's not sticky,
to me, they're all icky.
walk through? i politely decline.
"
"the burn bag's a sensitive thing
for us wonks in the covert west wing.
if a document leaks
(isn't torched), some poor geek's
up the creek with his ass in a sling.
"
"there's fore-and-aft rig on my yawl,
so she'll handle quite well in a squall.
full of wind she's unreal,
sails aligned with her keel.
we cast off, mate, in no time at all.
"
"he's no fantail; his sparse-feathered rear
is prosaic. i see that from here.
a mere working-class pigeon,
he struts with a smidgen
of pride, and coos with a sneer.
"
"for endurance, it's denim, a twill,
or a somewhat less chic cotton drill.
demand leg wear and sleeves
made of plain, trusty weaves
from an old and dependable mill.
"
"flaming flambeaux illumine the way
to the high-level talks held today.
""look, they mirror the fervor,
the rage,"" an observer
opines, ""with their heated display.""
"
"he's played pranks since before he turned twenty,
bending boundaries?a true cognoscente
of the spirited scrape
and the hairs-breadth escape.
he's had escapades, bless him, aplenty.
"
"the disease erupts quickly, i fear:
exanthematous outbreaks appear,
and all over the place,
from the trunk to the face.
my prognosis: three weeks till you're clear.
"
"their delaying stunts are a concern.
without movement, our plans crash and burn.
but the act won't be stalled
if the question is called?
right now! before long we adjourn.
"
"this epiphenomenon, itching,
comes along with perpetual twitching.
professionally speaking,
your body?it's freaking.
your ex, i dare say, was bewitching?
"
"jelly doughnut?? they fancy berliner,
or bismarck, and theirs is a winner.
with blackberry filling
it merits top billing.
i ate five. what the hell, i'm a sinner.
"
"meet our venus de milo. ""i'm charmed.""
lovely now as before she was harmed ?
yes, dismembered, but still
hardly run-of-the-mill;
she might wave, but she's, sadly, disarmed.
"
"we facilitators always precede him,
recruit toadies to cosset and feed him.
ergo, where he goes, we go
and fatten his ego.
he's certain the multitudes need him.
"
"our recruits here are all warmly greeted,
then screenings are fairly completed.
once positions are filled,
all the rest will be killed.
until then, you'll be equitably treated.
"
"i'd been courtin' my wee bonny cummer
on a brae in the warm of midsummer.
""dinnae dae that,"" she cried.
when for seconds i tried,
""wanty bolt!"" then she fled. what a bummer.
"
"an elucidative story she told
served to clarify reasons to fold:
in the same situation,
we'd be wrecked by inflation,
out of business and out in the cold.
"
"she's fourteen and my baby's abloom,
the sweet focus of all in the room,
and it's making me queasy.
thirteen seemed so easy!
one year?baby's lowered the boom.
"
"the fourteenth, two weeks deep in july:
revolution! the world's gone awry.
masses storm the bastille.
can la france ever heal?
""libert?"" is the loudest reply.
"
"i've lived this damn lush life for days.
i expense it; the company pays.
still, i'm forced to dine well
in the firm's choice hotel
with my clients. this merits a raise.
"
"i advanced through the field of damp rye
with my shotgun, my fowling piece by.
the morning was hushed
till a fine bird was flushed
with a clatter, and made for the sky.
"
"we remember dick fosbury's flop
in the high jump. dick came out on top.
the technique is still hot,
so a flop it was not.
once, i tried it?let's please let that drop.
"
"a felling crew harvesting trees
needs a boss man, a bull, if you please.
i'm that bull of the woods,
but my men?damaged goods:
wretched refuse with rap sheets and fleas.
"
"i'm an answer-jobber working for ask.
it's a thankless and ill-paying task.
i field questions from nerds
about bird-eating birds
with a constant companion: my flask.
"
"this demolitionist's work is top drawer.
pounding pavements, he sells door to door.
he turns structures to rubble
and gets paid for his trouble.
yep, business is booming, for sure.
"
"clearly weak since he gained his position,
his tenure's defined by omission.
both clueless and reckless,
he's certainly feckless.
his words have lost all definition.
"
"only kitsch is on sale in this store:
early battersea?gaudy decor.
overwrought and obtrusive,
its allure is elusive.
they have everything here i deplore.
"
"in the delta, our granular clay
is called buckshot. it tends to be gray.
when it's wet, it's right sticky,
but rich, so who's picky?
i'd choose buckshot to farm any day.
"
"she's a beauty, this filly i chose,
with a bald from her ears to her nose,
christened ""blanca,"" of course,
my swift apron-faced horse.
are there roses in store? no one knows.
"
"a top foxhound must run without flagging.
our whole pack has that knack (i'm not bragging).
need hunters with bottom?
our kennel has got 'em.
they'll finish the chase, tails a-wagging.
"
"drag my coaster uphill by a rope,
then i belly-flop, prone, down the slope.
and that's me! kid on fire,
on my flexible flyer.
for a boy, snow's the true great white hope.
"
"big decision?i must reappraise;
ambitendencies tug me both ways.
i'm aware it's my call,
but i'd rather just stall:
i've played hooky from work these eight days.
"
"my old watch?in a fob's where i dock it
on my vest or my trouser's watch pocket.
or a fob is its chain
(language drives me insane),
a medallion, a ribbon or locket.
"
"we attacked; they were doubtless delighted.
their guns were formidably sited?
their position so strong
that we didn't last long,
but the colonel survived? and was knighted.
"
"we've been too long denied and deprived;
we'll unseat the already arrived,
who of late have been slipping,
their images chipping?
and we lurk, expectations revived.
"
"how foolish we were, how na?ve,
how absurdly prepared to believe,
always primed to be taken!
too late we'd awaken
from dreams we would never retrieve.
"
"not much sunbathing's done around here
where we're fogbound for most of the year,
where our green, misty marsh
makes the sunshine seem harsh
on rare days when it deigns to appear.
"
"at the oil field, the driller's been crowing,
""discovery well's up and flowing,
all my trials reversed,
and it's only the first.
what's that smell? that's my bank account growing.""
"
"i've never made much, but i'll try.
stella's growing our baby; that's why.
all i know is brute force;
look, i'm strong like a horse.
i can lift heavy things. we'll get by.
"
"we're all nuts, so we'll all persevere
in this queue for a star trek premiere.
ah, but somewhere out there
is a flick, we'll all swear,
worth a wait of a full cosmic year.
"
"""cash or plastic, sir?stop taking on.
no one's said you've attempted a con.
by the time a check's bounced,""
the owner pronounced,
""both food and consumer are gone.""
"
"he'll pass and leave gas in his wake.
he's all mouth and no trousers, the fake.
he's the lord of inaction,
a babbling abstraction?
god's blusterous, feckless mistake.
"
"the allrightniks found riverside drive
and moved in; now the district's alive.
uptown heights sure appealed
to the lately well-heeled:
you can thrive when, at last, you arrive.
"
"my publicists, frogbottom-fink,
got me eight column inches of ink.
without this attention,
this newspaper mention,
i'd sink. lord, i shudder to think?
"
"practice well to stay still as a mouse
if you'd bag a fat pheasant or grouse.
going fowling, we share
a fine hunt in fresh air.
grab your gun and get out of the house.
"
"that your cabin would soon fall asunder
was foreseeable, friend, and no wonder.
you'd been warned your new digs
needed brickwork, not twigs,
so it failed at the first crash of thunder.
"
"absolution? pray say that's untrue.
don't forgive them; they know what they do.
man is weak. all the same,
don't deny him the blame
he's achieved. give the devil his due.
"
"a guy's driving; a boneyard rolls by
in the background. we all suspect why.
such foreshadowing tip-offs
and hints are just rip-offs.
surprise us; cheap gimmicks won't fly.
"
"the usual deadbeats appear
as the annual banquet draws near.
they'll find foodstuffs galore
(keeps the wolf from the door).
greed is good?if just once in a year.
"
"there's a gap between high and low tide
where some prey and their hunters collide.
here, from killdeer and plover
the sand crab seeks cover.
but the foreshore's a poor place to hide.
"
"in this dusty antique shop display
a rare brooch made by carl faberg?
bears no price, yet it's priceless.
i'm nice, but not vice-less.
for a song, i can take it away.
"
"""let's go leaf hunting,"" dad used to say,
""to the back roads for autumn's display!""
to miss foliage season
was to dad worse than treason:
miss the pies and fresh cider? no way!
"
"when an earthquake takes place underground,
straight above's where its epicenter's found.
often wreckage here's shattering?
at times, just a smattering.
earth's crust conducts shock waves around.
"
"lousy case?help the jurors see through it.
his alibi: go and pursue it.
but his mom they won't buy.
an ex-girlfriend might fly?
one exculpatory witness should do it.
"
"the new structure's a glorified gym.
it's a field house, according to him.
he's the coach, and he's cocky,
his mindset, well, jock-y.
contradict him? results could be grim.
"
"uncle's mind is commencing to shrink;
what it's up to i shudder to think.
it's bewildered, befuddled,
increasingly muddled,
and cobwebbed by dotage and drink.
"
"the decision came down from on high:
tried for espionage, hanged for a spy.
while the amnesty nuts
climbed all over our butts,
others queued up to watch the worm die.
"
"charged with felicide, killing a cat,
i'm now spurned like a neighborhood rat.
i'm confused; they should try it.
they're all on a diet,
and braised pussy is very low fat.
"
"every sunday was quite exegetic.
reverend's preachings were always magnetic.
whatever it took,
he'd unravel the book,
using language intense and frenetic.
"
"we expect to fetch boston by noon,
and her harbor's no balmy lagoon,
yet i'll not again roam
quite so distant from home.
this last sail can't be over too soon.
"
"felicific appeals promise pleasure,
and are tempting beyond any measure.
would you draw the mob in?
try suggestions of sin,
then abuse the damn rubes at your leisure.
"
"he's collapsed, and can't budge?not a fraction,
cataplectic defines the reaction.
he's just seen her. it's her!
she's come back; he can't stir?
till a part of him springs into action.
"
"this cuisine's not for me; it's the pits:
filled with sharp-tasting, bitterish bits
of radicchio, kale?
sides of rhubarb-grilled snail?
not to mention arugula grits.
"
"there are biotite flakes in this schist.
nature's added this black mica twist.
though its name's not well known,
schist's a commonplace stone
with panache. it will not be dismissed.
"
"for each bridesmaid, a gift with a twist:
precious dorothy bags (hung from the wrist)
with fresh petals to strew.
but please say it's untrue
that each petal's a guy the bride's ""kissed.""
"
"forensics employs information
solving crimes or to aid litigation:
detectives use science
or attorneys back clients
first with facts, then a cogent summation.
"
"today's warmth was a foretaste of spring
(think azaleas and birds on the wing).
no stravinsky ballet?
a mere soup?on of may?
summer's just thrown her hat in the ring.
"
"naked mole rats' fossorial ways,
well adapted to dry afric days,
put them well underground
where by nature they're found,
kept away from the sun's brutal rays.
"
"though this novel's familiar, i'm sure
it's just published: fresh in at the store.
i suppose it's some kind
of bizarre sleight of mind.
d?j? lu hurts my brain. please, no more.
"
"do you yearn for the touch of her skin?
there's a formulary gathered herein
that, when cunningly plied
won't be lightly denied.
this book's magic will make her head spin.
"
"these are dead walls: no windows, no doors.
from your room's point of view, they lack pores.
for a wall's like a skin,
keeping stuff out or in
as it segregates ceilings from floors.
"
"days like this must be cryovacked: kept,
then revived by some godlike adept.
such sweet moments, once chosen,
should be shrink-wrapped then frozen.
then, ennui we might better accept.
"
"hate to tell you this, pops: you've been fleeced
no damn way was that joker a priest!
and your ""wheels for the poor""
are already offshore,
somewhere palms are kept liberally greased.
"
"on the prairie, boudin was a treat:
roasted buff gut instead of mere meat.
while the cook worked at stuffing it,
by the fire we'd sit, roughing it.
before long, ""the white pudding's complete.""
"
"my book's dying, but wins a few prizes
and a flurry of interest arises
with winings and dinings,
re-releases and signings.
my hat size expands a few sizes.
"
"once they posted me here, i was screwed:
just a month and i'm coming unglued.
the rare squeaks of dissent here
match the dull, gray cement here.
local eidos? plebeian and crude.
"
"spend the night with this sculptured physique;
call me ""oscar,"" a star at his peak.
not for certain?not yet?
but that nude statuette
will be mine. shooting opens next week.
"
"set the baby aside a sec, sweet.
she's devouring my favorite treat.
cutely packaged, nutritious
colostrum's delicious.
without foremilk, this day's not complete.
"
"i get languid by ten, and it shows.
""douse the glim, dear; you're starting to doze,""
says my darling most nights.
so i reach for the lights.
i need prompting these days, i suppose.
"
"where the piedmont rolls down to the plain,
the conspicuous change in terrain
is the fall line. its power
mills lumber or flour.
build there, and cease racking your brain.
"
"ranks of snare drums command the parade
(such intensity must be obeyed),
their batter heads battered
till serenity's shattered.
are there lands near-at-hand to invade?
"
"i beg your forgiveness, my dear;
i've got news you would rather not hear:
your skirt's caught in your knickers
(which explains all the snickers).
from where i sit, your assets are clear.
"
"is a fire breaking out? no excuses:
handy chamber pots have other uses.
there's one under your bed.
so be calm, use your head,
and be thankful for bodily juices.
"
"all those accolades showered on spiro
for a deed that amounted to zero?
a few finger pads burned?
all the praise was unearned.
think again before calling him ""hero.""
"
"she's revealing far more of her past,
perhaps parting her curtains too fast.
though thoughts dark and forbidden
might more safely stay hidden,
she's more forthcoming this week than last.
"
"the boards creak, and at first we deduce
that the flooring's installed to be loose.
thus intruders are thwarted,
assaults are aborted?
or perhaps that's a floorer's excuse.
"
"all is calm, but fall weather deceives:
gusts rise swiftly and flurry the leaves.
where they'd lolled about mildly,
they're dervishing wildly.
they'll wind up in my hedges and eaves.
"
"this camembert's not merely old;
it's gone floccose with patches of mold.
it smells tempting?it does,
but those lumps of green fuzz
put me off, and i'm not feeling bold.
"
"are floor lamps for visiting moles?
no, they're light sources mounted on poles.
from behind my own chair,
one illumines my hair
as i read (and protects me from trolls).
"
"today's author would look down her nose
at john lyly's too-flowery prose:
elaborate, ornate
and a bitch to create?
an achievement, as far as that goes.
"
"if contemplative man seeks retreat
in his fly fishing, that's not defeat.
luring trout with fake bugs
won't replace a wife's hugs,
but rewards are divinely concrete.
"
"that she suffered the fate that you feared
was a fluke?unpredictably weird.
you could never have known
that she'd choke on calzone.
looking back, though, we shouldn't have jeered.
"
"here's that new esoteric anthology
called fluvial geomorphology:
the impact of rivers
on the land. it delivers
too well?too complex and, um, college-y.
"
"the first snowfall this year's no great shakes?
just a flurry is all, a few flakes.
though it's gently delightful,
it can blossom to frightful.
i think this year i'm pulling up stakes.
"
"i glimpsed fleetingly, down by the pond,
a rare tropicbird blown from beyond.
confirmation's proved iffy
(it was gone in a jiffy),
but this birdwatcher's never been conned.
"
"apparatus arriving today
on two flatbeds was trucked from green bay.
though it's massive, impressive
(the freight rates excessive),
installed, it will pay its own way.
"
"special flatware for soup and dessert?
he's flat flustered, the poor little squirt!
and this curious chork:
it's half chopsticks, half fork.
basic eating irons, please?would it hurt?
"
"yes, i've met her. my take? unimpressive.
her scent's, shall we say, too aggressive:
not subtle, it's flagrant?
overweeningly fragrant.
keep searching. she's coarse and excessive.
"
"send for suzy. i'm sure she'll be there.
she'll distract them; that doll has a flair;
a genuine knack
to take just the right tack.
watch: she'll enter the bank and strip bare.
"
"watch the moth; it's enkindled in flame:
burnt to ash. yes, temptation trumps shame.
destruction has charms
when seduction disarms.
gird your loins, son, or don't play the game.
"
"my corner chair's backed on two sides,
so my poses respond to its guides:
turn the mob a cold shoulder,
glare boldly and smolder,
or alter my act, like the tides.
"
"sitting idly, just going to seed,
that flaneur's not at all what we need.
are his circuits all tired?
someone get him rewired!
pass the pasta; the bum's off his feed.
"
"it's a flame war we're waging on-line
via e-mail: he jeers; i opine.
no one's wounded as such;
we're just keeping in touch.
modern warfare's damned tough to define.
"
"""someone's taken your bacon? that's rich.""
""yes, and sadly, he's filched my last flitch:
a whole side of cured ham?
now it's breakfasts with spam!""
""a solution that's clearly last ditch.""
"
"years of practice?i'm finally there.
i'm the oboe installed at first chair.
the entire woodwind section
gently stamped my selection.
my first solo's tonight; say a prayer.
"
"a fine bierock's got nice flaky crust,
but its filling's what makes it robust.
one or two's a a whole meal
with that oma appeal.
it's home cooking with stuff you can trust.
"
"she loves shellfish, from first to last course,
longs for lobsters the size of a horse.
but it's finfish for him,
true fish hooked on the swim?
incompatible: grounds for divorce.
"
"the election's no longer in doubt.
the results slowly filtering out
show the numbers are dire.
it's gone down to the wire,
but our kingfish has fought his last bout.
"
"added games are more tiresome than clever.
now the series is lasting forever.
this fall classic's just ending
and snow is impending.
frozen baseball's a foolish endeavor.
"
"in our shanty towns strewn with debris,
we've no plumbing, high tea or tv.
in favelas in rio,
we still live con brio.
we've got samba and sex, and we're free.
"
"he deserved it, that's not even moot?
risked his life for his share of the loot.
yet the man had his foes,
and a firestorm arose:
a rancorous, nasty dispute.
"
"aspetta, my friend?not your fault,
but that powder in there isn't salt.
could be flour or meal
dusted over the veal;
it's a dredger, and we're using malt.
"
"empty words help us say stuff okay.
yet they carry no meaning per se.
an infinitive's to
must be granted its due.
don't be rash and just toss it away.
"
"he seems capitally clever to me?
yes, admirably. some don't agree.
there are many bad actors
among these detractors
who'd deny what a blind chap would see.
"
"my meat's overcooked and too dry,
but the chophouse provides a supply?
tasty dope in a boat
helps it slide down my throat?
the best pork gravy money can buy.
"
"i'm for barefoot tomfoolery, bud;
let's go beating our feet in the mud.
when my world starts to suck,
i wade in, run amok
in the rich estuarial crud.
"
"the old souk stirred romantic reflections;
scents assailed me from several directions.
this brought flashbacks of home,
then an evening in rome:
unexpected evoked recollections.
"
"she's embarrassed; it's that sort of smile:
it's the dry grins?won't last but a while.
see? she grins with chagrin:
lips rolled back, tight and thin.
feeling awkward is cramping her style.
"
"for a finder's fee, i'll book your hall,
and your caterer, waitstaff and all.
when a wedding's in store,
there are pitfalls galore.
hire my wisdom; i won't drop the ball.
"
"as firestone copes with the flame,
resolutely, she brushes off blame.
both are numb and disdainful
to what most would find painful.
hard as hearthstone, her heart's known no shame.
"
"blooms with fimbriate petals i'll mention,
like those of the dainty fringed gentian,
or the scallop-edge pink,
whose name's not what you'd think:
ponder shears; have i grabbed your attention?
"
"these damned price hikes had better soon stop;
i've just financed this six-pack of pop.
and the banker (the louse)
slapped a lien on my house.
the transaction still sticks in my crop.
"
"get some gumption, you feather-legged wimp.
your opponent's a wasted old gimp.
hell, you begged for this bout;
now you want to back out?
(i should never have managed a chimp!)
"
"call them fingerlings, fry?what you wish,
sold as whitebait, they're juvenile fish.
once you've got a nice haul,
eat 'em whole, scales and all,
'cause they're locally banned as a dish.
"
"this arrow is tipped with a blunt,
made for bull's-eyes but crap for the hunt.
dullish points fill the bill
when your point's not to kill.
if it broadsides a moose, he'll just grunt.
"
"""on my flintlock, the frizzen came loose
due to careless and frequent misuse,
so the cock missed its mark
and there wasn't a spark,""
said the soldier. i bought his excuse.
"
"do the hem so the stitching's unseen.
use a blind stitch; it must appear clean.
she rends garments to shreds
if she spots any threads.
the old harridan's ever so mean!
"
"if the concept of foreordination
means it's pointless to strive for salvation,
destination pre-charted,
each lately departed,
prayers aside, may descend to damnation.
"
"though she's private, her countenance speaks.
it's the flushing, the pink in her cheeks?
some warmth, some emotion,
some scandalous notion?
all three? she's been wacky for weeks.
"
"when i open this volume, i see,
on the flyleaf, ""see page 33.""
""someone's messed with this text,""
i think. ""bookworms? what's next?
has a bookworm been messaging me?""
"
"at witty retorts, he's the best:
i'm ""the cracker who conquered the west.""
but tonight, he just floundered,
his follow-up foundered.
""back at you"" had no one impressed.
"
"what a prize you are?state of the art,
rare and sweet as a raspberry tart.
your fair features torment
me?with marzipan scent.
bella coelia, you're breaking my heart.
"
"don't ignore that smug bullyboy's taunting.
let him scar you; your look will be daunting.
has some monocled goon
drawn his saber? a boon!
certain wounds should be welcomed? for flaunting.
"
"where you fell there was rubble. come, come:
we'll minutely examine your bum.
perhaps flinders of glass,
flakes and shards from the grass,
need removal. lie still and? oh, yum!
"
"two old hobos out riding the rails
on the rock island line to versailles,
having hopped an express,
found a deal of distress:
that fast rattler restructured their tails.
"
"my old decorative sheet music stand
doesn't fit with my new baby grand.
carved in odd arabesques,
this cherrywood desk's
now on ebay, and much in demand.
"
"as a method of knotting my tie,
i choose four-in-hand?simple, that's why.
chuck your eighty-five ways
to do neckwear displays.
 i'm an all-of-my-days ""schoolboy"" guy.
"
"it's the work of medieval deceivers,
but this feretory still has believers
who revere (or adore) skin
of jesus: his foreskin.
but the relic's a toe? and a beaver's.
"
"one more floater's been pulled from the lake.
lord, how many more deaths will it take
for the feud to conclude?
with each corpse it's renewed,
and with this mob, pride's always at stake.
"
"the skilled aide of tonight's featured stripper's
her sea lion?deft with its flippers.
with sodden solemnity.
it wields each extremity,
improbably nimble with zippers.
"
"retro pinball's a game for the chipper,
fiercely focused and deft at the flipper:
that ball-slinging flinger
set loose by a finger.
and since tommy, the knack's grown much hipper.
"
"dee's flirtatious? no problem for me.
i've glimpsed software she's letting me see.
and that brush of warm thigh
as she eased slowly by
made my temperature jump a degree.
"
"sure, i've met you before?that's a fact?
in the crush room before the last act
of that oscar wilde farce
once the crowd had grown sparse.
though it's years, gray, your looks are intact.
"
"as the roof of our home's overhauled,
new steel flashing is being installed
where the vent pipe comes through.
it's the right thing to do
to thwart leaks (now you know what it's called).
"
"we meet weekly?old coots in cahoots?
for the glory of fleshly pursuits:
the lost splendors of sex.
in less carnal respects
we're as tough as our best leather boots.
"
"the candidate's plainly a hunk,
but his speech was a whole lot of bunk:
introduction to summary,
puffed full of flummery,
shallow and hollow?pure junk.
"
"your ode to the glories of gas
is too floridly worded to pass?
too baroque and high-flown
for your nether cologne,
yet your structure and rhyme are first class.
"
"the foul names by which sarah'd been called
understandably had her appalled.
she remained unconsoled
till revenge was served cold,
then threw open the floodgates and bawled.
"
"we were ""fear merchants,"" walking the floor.
but our fears have now come to the fore:
the mid-eastern black hole,
spinning out of control,
is too pivotal now to ignore.
"
"deep in carlsbad, the dripstone's fantastic;
what feels rigid looks somehow elastic:
huge stalagmites and drapes?
one just stands there and gapes
at formations both supple and plastic.
"
"though your offering rings a bit strange,
we're still flexible, subject to change.
though both ailing and faded,
we might be persuaded
to spring for a home on the range.
"
"fuzzy floccules polluting the lake
mean the plant site's a sorry mistake.
unforeseen or intended,
whatever's suspended
must be ended?and quick?for god's sake.
"
"my odd expletives? strictly offhand.
on the spot, though, the boss yelled, ""you're canned!""
am i bad off? not too:
see, i'm planning to sue.
it's tourette's; i'll accept eighty grand.
"
"an item that's commonly seen
as an air fern is really marine:
sertularia, sea fir,
(no kin to the tree fir),
is sold dyed (temporarily) green.
"
"a foliar blight has attacked
my farm's fescue, but not the whole tract:
infestation is spotty,
but the sick leaves look grotty?
rotten harvest this year. that's a fact.
"
"you're a rigorous rogue, it would seem,
with your loan stipulations extreme.
an escape clause built in,
insists, ""take only skin.""
that pact may be hard to redeem.
"
"a wedding's a formal affair,
then formalities done, you're a pair.
after customs and rites
come delectable nights.
but it's binding, so ""buyer beware!""
"
"you're irreverent! show some decorum.
nobel laureates speak at this forum.
you're all flippancy, sass?
a damned pain in the ass,
and a board member short of a quorum.
"
"that there heifer's as thin as a rail.
flesh her out till her bulk's off the scale.
fatted bovine allure
ain't quite right for couture,
but at auction it's not known to fail.
"
"even pigeons eat, drink and seem merry,
but a fairy swallow swallow a fairy?
yet its slick fancy dress
gives me pause, i confess.
i say, ""tinkerbell, better be wary.""
"
"once you spoke, the world rose to applaud.
then those photos with harold and maude:
naked romps in the rain
can be hard to explain.
campaign's over; your image is flawed
"
"a flight of fancy, ""imagine,"" the song,
is absurd: the whole world gets along?
no religion, no war,
nothing's worth fighting for.
how dull! i imagine it's wrong.
"
"reaching out for extended control,
we've now broadened our corporate goal,
staffing outposts in lhasa,
la paz and mombasa.
we intend to grow grander than dole.
"
"some claim blackberry's ease and cachet
made it flavor of the month in its day.
but its platform, once gold,
would quite quickly grow old,
overwhelmed by the apple bouquet.
"
"so the herbalist won't be confused,
certain plants' names suggest how they're used.
but the feverfew treats
migraine headaches. (it beats
eating bloodworms, so be not amused.)
"
"rolling forward, our progress is slowed
by the bumps in this farm-to-market road.
heading west out of fargo,
old nitro's our cargo?
next jounce and the crap might explode.
"
"get political: canvass, endorse.
but be prudent; don't bet the wrong horse.
if his wife should discover
your guy with a lover,
you'll wish you could change in midcourse.
"
"we all thought them a helluva team
till they crashed with a shared primal scream.
now of course they're divorced,
with all intercourse forced?
oddly labored, like swimming upstream.
"
"the enactors of all of our laws?
largely lawyers! ? which should give us pause.
many bills they ordain,
both verbose and arcane,
are found wanting? and porous as gauze.
"
"is suffering something to savor?
each adversity adding a flavor?
some aspect, some face
for our art to embrace?
those who nail it earn critical favor.
"
"here barrow pits follow the road,
dug to drain the route's pluvial load.
in this herbal frontier,
plant invaders appear,
and, of course, the occasional toad.
"
"such a bird in the air would seem odd,
but the ostrich is flightless?thank god!
just imagine the turd-
splattered noggins?absurd
and repulsive. please spare me that wad.
"
"""southeast asian cuisine,"" read the sign?
""perfect banh mi of stellar design.""
as a vietnamese hero,
its grit level's zero.
as a bite, though, at lunch it's divine.
"
"typographical choices invite
disagreements, but seldom a fight:
where to number the pages?
don't send for the sages.
foliation's top left and top right.
"
"this investing environment's hairy,
with fluctuating prices?it's scary.
values rise then revert.
you could lose your fool shirt.
we're like colliers without a canary.
"
"sales are sluggish, but i have a feeling
that focus groups might be revealing.
is the affluent boomer
our ideal consumer?
or will pensioners find us appealing?
"
"the fieldfare's a lackluster thrush,
not the fowl to make birdwatchers gush.
when this songbird rejoices,
his boisterous voice is
the rowdiest call in the brush.
"
"though his treasure, his daughter, is grown,
old mcginty's as flinty as stone,
and so set in his ways
that not pleadings or praise
will convince him. best leave her alone.
"
"""i'm tired of this gloomy old den;
it needs paint."" ""i'll take care of it? then.""
""it's all smelly and cluttered.""
""not clutter,"" he muttered,
""ill sort it, you know, 'as and when'.""
"
"dear god, it's been pouring for weeks.
our rich farmland's run off in the creeks.
and forget the big muddy,
all drumly and cruddy.
we're weary of turning our cheeks.
"
"has she thrown the bum out? no, instead
she's accepted him back in her bed.
he deserves her defiance,
but gets her compliance:
condonation. she'll wish she were dead.
"
"flown-in veggies? i leave them alone.
give me produce that's locally grown:
import fruits say, ""come try me,""
but the waste says, ""don't buy me.""
i think twice when the food miles are known.
"
"north korea's resumed its aggression;
we've been called to extraordinary session,
routine business completed.
this new question's heated:
more talk or response by repression?
"
"envision the hummingbird, reader?
flitting lightly from flower to feeder.
her swift daily duty
embodies pure beauty,
and my columbines earnestly need her.
"
"i'm afraid of my kid's fontanel,
the idea of which doesn't sit well.
a soft cranial spot?
clever planning it's not.
if i press, will i head straight to hell?
"
"fetch your father, my boy, but don't dally.
lurking footpads await in each alley.
they'd confront you, or, worse,
slit your neck for your purse.
god forbid you face such a finale!
"
"my microscope's focusing knob
zeroes in on the slimy green blob
i've just plucked from my nose.
a bit gross? i suppose.
self-absorption's an arduous job.
"
"if you'd burgle what honest folk buy,
i've made my home a fortress; don't try.
it's got trap doors to hell.
it's my own bates motel.
think you'll leave in one piece? when pigs fly!
"
"an appeal would be clutching at straws.
as things stand now, you're caught in his claws.
if a t's gone uncrossed,
your whole surety's lost,
as spelled out in the forfeiture clause.
"
"got no word for it? label it foo.
no one minds if the naming's untrue.
your new app's got a glitch?
create foos, scratch that itch.
use a placeholder name. muddle through.
"
"only guts, blood and feathers remain
'neath the flight path, the track, of the plane.
stupid canada geese
chose this group plan to peace:
death by airbus. won't peta complain?
"
"i've retired to an island named yap?
a mere flyspeck, a dot on the map.
she's a green, tranquil rock,
a few huts and a dock.
may she never be roused from her nap.
"
"give me men with a passion for tools,
not for fopperies?fashion and jewels.
guys too into themselves,
with the macho of elves,
i reject. masculinity rules!
"
"she's remodeled our nick as we feared:
he's conventionalized, and it's weird.
look, he's wearing a suit,
he's begun to commute,
and she's sheared his magnificent beard.
"
"raw cotton provisions my gin.
it's a feedstock that keeps coming in.
lousy harvest, i'm done,
nearly back to square one,
but the gin's gotten under my skin.
"
"for your border beds: sugar and spice,
(called foamflower too) will suffice?
rising salmony-whites
will reach moderate heights.
take it home with you now, at half price.
"
"feasibility? study it, sure.
but run freight trains on only manure?
the scheme's chances are scant,
yet we did get the grant.
(""eco friendly"" is always a lure.)
"
"they do immelmans, barrel rolls, loops,
and a sequence of falconine swoops.
they are daredevil fliers
whose only desire's
to delight and inspire the troops.
"
"goose migrations are something i dread
'cause their flyway is right overhead.
yearly goose droppings season
is quite enough reason
to don slickers or stay home in bed.
"
"boss, when word of this screw-up gets loose,
we fall back on our well-worn excuse:
you were clueless; confess it.
the press? they won't press it.
they're toadies; let's put them to use.
"
"sharp-tailed grouse, on their dancing grounds (leks),
strut about in a prelude to sex.
there, midst short prairie grasses,
they swell their plump asses
while inflating their fine-feathered necks.
"
"call it foolhardiness (youth, if you will),
but it's peril i love?for the thrill.
i would argue old scratch
for the chill of the match.
when i change, i'll be over the hill.
"
"our skin cream's been making folks blink
so damn wildly they're turning to drink.
the new formula's wrong;
something doesn't belong:
there's a flaw in the ointment, i think.
"
"foreign policy kept jim up nights;
no one else saw the world by his lights.
old diplomacy hands
heeded saner demands.
and jim's fans readjusted their sights.
"
"john, your husband, bequeathed with his heart.
all is yours, capital messuage apart:
his home, land and sheds
fall to chuck when he weds,
the old barn to john's favorite tart.
"
"""electronic devices prevail;
turn aside, now and then, to exhale,""
disconnectionists urge.
""give the soul time to purge,""
they persist, and i counter, ""no sale.""
"
"by attacking each task with sincerity,
keenly, edna leads all to prosperity;
none can doubt edna's fervor
we're honored to serve her.
she will leave a mark on posterity.
"
"fossiliferous cambrian shales
feature small benthic fauna, not whales.
impressions appear
well preserved and quite clear?
ancient sea life, instructive details.
"
"while survivors are not done with crying,
when they've not yet abandoned denying,
perhaps meat's in decay?
larval flesh fly buffet.
sarcophagidae dine on the dying.
"
"my style's spartan: my books and my cat,
unlike fothergill's flossy new flat.
where i'm warm second-hand,
he's importantly grand,
but as tasteless as mousse made non-fat.
"
"""he'll attack from the east at first light,""
opines bradley, who's generally right.
""from the skies, hit him hard
with our mightiest card:
our unstoppable air support, dwight.""
"
"it's just carbuncles, nothing severe?
a few bealings right here, in your ear.
they're unlikely to spread;
soon they'll come to a head,
and we'll cleanse them; they'll all disappear.
"
"with a flourish, beau entered and bowed
as though doffing a fine silken cloud?
every gesture dramatic,
his mien charismatic.
men grumbled; their women were wowed.
"
"that she's married i've known from day one;
though our banter's been coarse, it's but fun:
conversation far short
of the criminal sort.
now her mate claims i fathered their son.
"
"worked in filigreed flowers of gold,
his work's crafted with never a mold,
but with fine-pointed pliers
and gossamer wires.
each brooch is a joy to behold.
"
"his tax burden felt like a ton,
but this filer's convinced he has won:
forms are signed and submitted
(pray nothing's omitted).
for the nonce, he has stood off the hun.
"
"to acacias and similar plants,
many beltian bodies draw ants.
are the structures delicious?
they're richly nutritious,
and acacias crave ants in their pants.
"
"his pronouncements have stirred up a flap
(has he ever believed all that crap?)
so we fuss over small things:
such ado about all things!
he observes, but he won't take the rap.
"
"our ""green"" dwelling's a yurt with no door,
but a flap, so security's poor.
pull that canvas aside;
we've got nothing to hide?
just some straw standing in for a floor.
"
"that's a lancehead, a fer-de-lance, mack;
from its bite you might never come back.
learn to know it and well.
the snake's toxic as hell.
just your heat could provoke an attack.
"
"learning nature's hard ways at first hand,
we've decided to fence in our land,
else the cattle will stray
or be taken as prey.
open range locos don't understand.
"
"our climate's predictably dry,
and there's rarely a cloud in our sky.
but of late, it's turned zany,
always coming on rainy.
plan a picnic? god spits in your eye.
"
"war unthinkable? sadly, it's here.
sarajevo's the flashpoint; that's clear.
the foul deed has decreed
all of europe will bleed.
after this comes the deluge, i fear.
"
"they're effete; let's restore them, which means
we'll breed back?recreate ancient genes:
the organic solution,
reverse evolution.
we'll return to original scenes.
"
"we've bred two pairs of catholic twins,
our reward for indulgence in sins:
kids born ten months apart.
now the work's off the chart.
still, they're precious, so no violins.
"
"a fig marigold bed's ornamental
and may spread by degrees incremental.
small flower heads last
past when others have passed,
but the seedlings want care. please be gentle.
"
"the outdoor shop's got plants by the box.
let's stock up on a few flats of phlox.
several shades will be best,
and not much to invest.
our old rock garden's down to just rocks.
"
"when your lyric's too dark for your sound,
there's a method to turn that around:
flat the pitch; it turns blue,
lets the mournful seep through.
a mere semitone drop is profound.
"
"she'll be running flat out for a while?
open throttle?that's always her style.
in her eye-popping sprint,
she shows never a hint
of exertion, then ends with a smile.
"
"soon the sword fight grew fierce and robust.
there was many a furious thrust.
it was foin, parry, slash,
then the point hit: a gash!
too damned fast?we all left in disgust.
"
"the soundtrack this movie requires
must be all its producer desires.
the story's flat boring,
but if music is soaring?
anthemic?it stokes the crowd's fires.
"
"here from iceland she came, azure-eyed,
flaxen-haired and with cold, brazen pride.
then her cornsilk-gold tresses
brought strings of successes
with men, who just gulped, gaped and sighed.
"
"there's a rich golden tone to our brew.
nature's flavonoids lend it that hue.
and there's no call to panic:
they're healthful, organic,
aromatic?good stuff through and through
"
"where he flops every night on his chair,
you will notice a flattening? there.
and the smell's less than sweet
where he burdens the seat.
it's near leveled and begs for repair.
"
"the forces of evil are swelling.
there are thousands; the proof is compelling.
the good shall survive,
and our culture shall thrive.
once they're slain, we'll have tales that want telling.
"
"speak the speech. neither grimace nor quiver;
they're but choric, the lines you deliver.
here description's the point.
got your nose out of joint?
okay, actor, then act?just a sliver.
"
"""that's our enterprise, muscle in motion,""
said old sparky, with pride and devotion.
""bet if action breaks out,
she'll be somewhere about.
she's the fightingest ship on the ocean.""
"
"there's some ore here, but mighty poor yield:
bits of float have washed down to your field.
so the bedrock up yonder
is something to ponder.
in situ, there's more left concealed.
"
"one more win if i stay to compete,
but the mayor then suffers defeat.
call the fifth quarter mine
and, instead, i'll resign?
hide and tallow?our deal is complete.
"
"she's a spirited, lovely brunette,
but her eyes say, ""apartments to let.""
more than simple, short-changed,
she's a trifle deranged,
and the sexiest girl i've met yet.
"
"our fiddle-footing son disappears?
he's a-roaming; my wife is in tears.
something draws him away.
he'll return some fine day,
to be sure, but with strange souvenirs.
"
"keep him calm; the kid's fixing to bolt.
he's high-strung as a fiddle-foot colt.
is it nerves or just fleas?
he keeps bouncing his knees.
bring the whisky. we'll slip him a jolt.
"
"shut some instruments down; that's the drill.
you'll find flying by contact a thrill,
keeping track of position
by landmark. your mission:
gain awareness, but first write your will.
"
"with his fiddle, zeke's off sowing seed.
the odd implement's built for that need?
a once-common display,
farmers bowing away,
but the name wasn't picked to mislead.
"
"success in a fire-hunt relies
on the torchlight thrown back from the eyes
of some night-active prey
(this way's futile by day).
is this fair? if a meal is the prize.
"
"comes a mist of the murkiest sort;
every lobsterman's anchored in port.
we in rockport can't win:
a dense fog mull's set in.
no one's fishing for profit or sport.
"
"we've refined this proposal all day.
its few faults are at last fined away
(or hidden in jargon;
it sounds a real bargain).
aim for perfect, but deal with okay.
"
"neither beauty nor talent nor toil,
but a few dabs of follow-me oil
will so turn a lad's head
and perfume him to bed
that the notion makes mothers recoil.
"
"my love for my hound's off the scales.
as a find dog, however, he fails.
he enjoys a good hunt,
but his nose?i'll be blunt?
turns up nothing but other hounds' tails.
"
"nine a.m., just got up, and i'm groggy;
light outside's kind of weak ? guess it's foggy.
while the sun burns it off,
i'm bogged down in my trough.
thought by now i'd dry out. yet, i'm soggy.
"
"""look! the monkey house,"" zoo-goers say,
by a fingerpost pointing the way.
it's an eye-catching hand
on a pole in the sand.
""hope the rascals get nasty today.""
"
"momma figures i'm out on a date.
i expect she'll be waiting up late.
i'll walk in; she'll be fuming.
i hate her assuming!
what galls me? mom's got it all straight.
"
"filthy rich is a fine way to be;
not so fine's filthy dirty. that's me.
i part crowds with my smell.
ain't it fine to excel?
i'm begrimed to the utmost degree.
"
"momma's mentally under the weather.
though she once had her act well together.
now she can't cut the mustard.
befuddled and flustered,
mom goes missing; best get her a tether.
"
"these flycatchers' scissor-shaped tails
are called forficate (notably males').
one's just perched on a post;
i should offer a toast
to his tail. the attempt sadly fails.
"
"my oils might be lost on a wall?
easel paintings, they're stunning but small,
to be held in one's hands,
perhaps mounted on stands
or alone down a long, narrow hall.
"
"my old stetson fair shrugs at the rain;
my long fish-skin ain't like to complain.
i'm a range-ridin' feller
neck to boots in slick yeller,
and that's all i'm about to explain.
"
"skip the gala, son? heaven forfend!
the first families of boston attend.
it's our main meet-and-greet
with the brahmin elite.
you just may make a powerful friend.
"
"now, even as barbie's asleep,
ken's off early to see to his sheep,
but their long, stolen night
each accepts wasn't right.
each has promises, sadly, to keep.
"
"ethidium bromide's a stain
that with dna tends to enchain.
one nice trait it possesses:
it coolly fluoresces.
ask a lab wonk why that is germane.
"
"i've been altered?it's worse than i feared!
my new finger wave's seriously weird.
will i pass as a rapper
with hair like a flapper?
well, perhaps it goes well with my beard.
"
"an amati for purchase?i'm floored?
at a price even we can afford!
wait, the neck appears clean;
there's an evident sheen.
damn! the fingerboard's clearly restored.
"
"boorish conduct's a mealtime disgrace.
he keeps pointing his fork in my face.
he should wield it to eat,
or to pick up some meat,
but he waves it all over the place.
"
"win her heart. win by virtue and dint
of fine words fire-new from your mint.
wit may woo as fine wine;
turn her head and she's thine?
her won eye 'gins to twinkle and glint.
"
"use the flatboats tied up alongshore.
they will flat your goods fresh from your store.
slow but sure, they'll deliver
to merchants downriver.
the damn railroads will charge you far more.
"
"at our flag station, trains seldom stop?
empty platform's a sorry old prop.
but a service request
will be duly addressed.
(while you wait, kindly visit our shop.)
"
"here's to trixie, the new hire from dixie?
energetic, incessantly fixy.
tiny flaws she detects
she detests, then corrects.
we indulge her. she's cute as a pixie.
"
"a broadhead's a tip for an arrow
with more clout than you'd need to hunt sparrow.
extra sharp, extra wide
(as its namers implied),
aimed precisely, it's through to the marrow.
"
"on the racecourse, he's eager for action,
'cause his biddy bridle stymies distraction.
wearing blinders, he's docile,
won't rear, bite or jostle.
when retired, he'll have stud satisfaction.
"
"once a fortress rose up round this city,
her walls undisturbed?out of pity.
the old order stumbled;
those walls simply crumbled.
what remains of her guns isn't pretty.
"
"eccentric? that doesn't half say it.
maggie's fitified frenzies betray it.
as occasion permits,
sure, forgive her her fits.
it's her manner. just don't underplay it.
"
"""fetch the cake slice; we'll divvy the pie?""
she looks flummoxed, and doesn't comply
(odd requests can unnerve her).
""the triangular server.""
the utensil is soon standing by.
"
"we were blasting to make one more goal.
the drill fitchered in loose, seamy coal:
one more drill bit gone stuck,
one more stroke of bum luck.
wish i'd never gone down in the hole.
"
"""see how lightly she forks her fine steed,""
i observed, and all present agreed.
""and take into account
how she looks on her mount?
as our queen, she'll fulfill the fair's need.""
"
"after work, dad's content to just flop,
close his eyes and snore loudly nonstop.
it's been claimed all is movable
to god. that's disprovable:
he's tried, but can't mobilize pop.
"
"they were happy; of that there's no doubt,
but they've just had a sad falling-out.
the invective, the blaming!
they're beyond all reclaiming.
seems he's eaten her last pan-fried trout.
"
"once the wary turned tail and had fled,
we saw signs that we wished we'd misread:
under purpling skies,
swarms of choughs and red flies.
all spoke darkly of evils ahead.
"
"danny drove as though trying his luck?
suicidal or merely a schmuck?
in the death seat dee waited
for whatever was fated.
she'd've jumped, but the lap belt was stuck.
"
"feijoada's a joy to devour:
pork and beans?with some manioc flour
(called farofa down here)
and a portuguese beer.
have a classic brazil happy hour.
"
"i'm employed to evaluate wine,
to distinguish the base from the fine.
some bouquets are so heady
i'm rendered unsteady?
a drag, but the burden is mine.
"
"""eschew obfuscation,"" it's said,
but avoidance is something i dread.
muddle up, but with grace,
with a smile on your face,
then, untroubled, go blithely to bed.
"
"bailing out at this point's a mistake.
first consider the profits we'll make.
popularity's spreading
for our pre-flavored breading.
and that brand name? come on?shake 'n bake!
"
"something's troubling me, lads; i'll be blunt:
from day one, you've been leading, in front.
if at first you've succeeded,
your gloating's unneeded.
the dance was a damned childish stunt.
"
"rare gemstones so finely engraved
he amassed and eternally craved,
says this latest biography.
antique dactyliography
was the art by which sam was enslaved.
"
"i'm a floater, and wand'rin's my way,
with new friends and new sights every day.
since it cast me adrift,
life's been gumption and thrift:
snag some grub and slip softly away.
"
"hon, it's totally proper and fitting
that your brother pitch in with our flitting.
once we're moved, settled in,
joe's incursions begin?
uninvited, ill-timed, unremitting.
"
"she's a child, but that voice is legit.
sure, the headphones she's wearing don't fit.
her head shrinks in those cans
(which are clearly a man's)?
but she rocks them! the look is a hit.
"
"i don't trust a bar neat as a pin;
they'll pour belly wash, not honest gin:
why should anyone choose
their deplorable booze?
the beer's dreary; the rum rots your skin.
"
"""common sense? you have nary a shred.
oughtta bore for the simples,"" we said:
""make a hole, add a spout,
and it dribbles right out:
the damned foolishness filling your head.""
"
"from the attic, a footfall is heard.
some rough beast's sensed a presence and stirred!
his walk's shuffling, dragging;
my resolve to stay's flagging.
have i roused something fearsome and furred?
"
"this lousy bum leg is a pain
(all i do lately's loaf and complain).
my whole world's been derailed
since the surgery failed.
even taking a crap is a strain.
"
"it was calm, not a hint of a breeze
when a flaw blew in, bending the trees.
women fled and kids cried,
then as quickly, it died.
maybe sometimes the sky needs to sneeze.
"
"indecision's a trait that i hate,
so the time came to fish or cut bait.
he still harbored a doubt,
so i told him, flat out,
""hit the road, jack, and please latch the gate.""
"
"first response goes beyond mere abstraction;
use of ethane improves our reaction.
we need well-structured facts,
or we'll spin in our tracks,
but if data's exact, we get traction.
"
"these old coal shafts, though no longer mined,
can be hazards for those left behind.
kids delight to explore
in air courses galore.
some are trapped; fate is often unkind.
"
"when the facts are against you, keep grinning
and sound certain. you'll look like you're winning.
waste no time with persuasion.
use verbal evasion.
this doublespeak keeps their heads spinning.
"
"she's asleep now, at last; that's a blessing.
the late news is so often distressing,
about hatreds and blight.
let's not watch it tonight,
and turn in. i could use some caressing.
"
"my pop joined the angels last may.
he's returned in a mystical way
as a breeze through the wheat,
but he feels more complete.
anagogically, pop seems okay.
"
"you teed off for a round at the club,
then nipped out for a round at the pub,
but showed little remorse.
now you're banned from our course.
you have acted delinquently, bub.
"
"before hitting the floor for her dance,
she'd delineate moves in advance.
with meticulous care,
she'd then slowly strip bare?
a luxurious, crafted romance.
"
"there's no fard in a farding-bag, bud,
but digesta, a cow's source of cud.
women's fard is cosmetics,
their tools of aesthetics,
while this ruminant stomach churns crud.
"
"here's a change page to learn right away,
with new lines and new blocking, okay?
our concerns have been solved
and the screenplay's evolved.
it's the scene that we're shooting today.
"
"your archil's a violet dye
(also cudbear, though don't ask me why).
certain lichens supply it;
pharmacologists buy it
for tinctures. it pleases the eye.
"
"most remained 'cause outside it was pouring,
but the evening was crushingly boring:
all those flip charts and graphs
labelled ""save the giraffes.""
by the close, half the turnout was snoring.
"
"come encounter the feasting of yore:
tonight's special is spit-roasted boar,
served in egerdouce sauce
like you've not come across?
an old treat rarely found anymore.
"
"this old boat ride's a fitting way back
'cross the harbor. the town's white on black
late at night from the ferry.
it's breathtaking?very,
my city?can't wait to unpack.
"
"deviation's my now-and-then style:
consternation in friends makes me smile.
though i'm often more normal
(to the prom i went formal),
i exorbitate once in a while.
"
"keep your eye on this stunning beginner.
his forthcoming movie's a winner,
in previews. but soon
he'll make teenagers swoon,
go all dopey and start skipping dinner.
"
"women came for the tastings but stayed
when the general, in medals and braid
(his flashiest finery),
entered our winery
assuming he'd later get laid.
"
"one more nasty, unwinnable fight,
but grape's fortified me for my plight.
without strength from the bottle,
i fear i would throttle
the woman, which mightn't seem right.
"
"aeschynanthus cries out to be kissed
by a sunbird. the two coexist.
blooms like bright orange trumpets
mimic lips of wee strumpets.
this epiphyte thrives on the mist.
"
"an eye-servant loafs hereabout,
schooled in skulking. at that he's devout.
a past master of shirking,
allergic to working,
he perhaps may respond to your shout.
"
"our new facialists lotion your cheeks;
you'll look youthfully gorgeous for weeks.
these adepts know their stuff:
what's too much, what's enough?
how to polish old, withered antiques.
"
"i was bred in keewatin?a scion
of indigenous groups?chipewyan.
nature's lure's oversold
and the cold's getting old.
hell, i'm numb! if i'm lyin', i'm dyin'.
"
"this ""justice"" you keep on demanding?
such chimney corner law has no standing.
rights and writs don't have roots
in some idle old coots
swapping yarns in a bar at the landing.
"
"your attorney should cut to the chase.
pompous flubdub's obscuring his case.
empty bombast's excessive.
(does he think it impressive?)
and traffic court isn't its place.
"
"where the flows of old scotland run deep,
ancient selkies and stoor-worms still sleep.
i've walked cold, lonely days
by those boreal bays
and heard wails never vented by sheep.
"
"we've achieved our decomposite ends
mixing three complementary blends:
fusing tex-mex, south asian
and a base of  fine cajun,
we're the latest in haute cuisine trends.
"
"we hit town and move into a flop
(still, as flops go, the cream of the crop):
there's a sheet and a towel
(though the towel smells foul),
and the joint serves some mighty fine slop.
"
"the last crosspiece: we're through, if i'm right,
once we plane it and fay it in tight.
the hull's sturdy but sweet,
and just short of complete.
a skilled boatwright's not taught overnight.
"
"he was fifty, and she twenty-one.
both were lonely, both longing for fun.
they signed papers, swapped rings,
said the time-honored things,
and, formalities done, they were one.
"
"her designs vaguely formed, she set out,
no more wit than a damp april sprout.
then she patterned her goals
off the wisdom of polls.
from damned clueless, she's warped to devout.
"
"your young flutterbudget?how she takes on;
how she flits about hither and yon!
jangled nerves, foolish notions,
capricious emotions.
her head must be full of chiffon.
"
"i, just now, had an almost-collision,
caused by floaters invading my vision?
roving squiggles and spots
(now i've aged, i've got lots)?
can't describe them with any precision.
"
"once auctioned, a piece has its price,
but antique sales are dodgy as dice:
further biddings ensure
the thing's worth is secure.
perhaps wait till it's marketed twice.
"
"still performing, four decades and more,
they're chicago, though changed from before,
rebuilt from the era
of peter cetera,
with alternate paths to explore.
"
"played on greenswards, a sport has appeal.
whether sodded or seeded, it's real.
played on artificial turf
it's like fondling a smurf:
animation, but lacking the feel.
"
"an arranged marriage, not of her choosing?
she's wealthy, but think what she's losing.
he's made fortunes in minks,
but he's ugly and stinks,
and he drinks. she'll be in for a bruising.
"
"i'm armorially honored, at last
for my service to kings in the past:
fines and tributes collected
too long seemed neglected.
an escutcheon's now mine; what a blast!
"
"he's complacent at first?feels prepared.
once arraigned, in the system, he's scared.
sure, the bum had it coming,
but the prospect is numbing:
in court, all his flaws would be aired.
"
"he's been woozy and lost for a spell.
now he's ready to answer the bell.
all their vile double-dealing
for a while had him reeling.
now he's back he'll disperse them to hell.
"
"the mad ruling's been cancelled, of course.
ah, but even annulled it has force.
guns were never forbidden,
but we still keep them hidden:
trust the quashing? consider the source.
"
"""your allotted years, threescore and ten,
have expired,"" i reminded her. then,
grinning coyly, she winked
and said, ""i'm not extinct.
i'll be ready if you have the yen.""
"
"you're mean and emotional, true?
very anal expulsive of you.
frequent loss of control?
sigmund freud's on a roll.
i'd say couch time is long overdue.
"
"sliding doors that don't quite overlap
leave a bothersome long, narrow gap.
but a slim molding strip,
a low-key, humble lip,
called an astragal, caps the gap's yap.
"
"every anxious seat's taken today,
'cause the clanton clan's filled them to pray.
comes the news of the capture,
and strain becomes rapture,
and somebody mumbles, ""hooray!""
"
"senior moment? you're just growing old,
as the brain clouds get lonelier, cold.
while adrift in that cloud,
remain strong and unbowed.
though you're? damn! who put my brain on hold?""
"
"of poached eggs i'm a true devotee.
on fine mornings, i'll have two or three.
eggs should cook right throughout,
not be sloshing about
as they simmer. an egg ring's the key.
"
"there's a rag in each player's rear pocket
which you'd snatch, but they're off like a rocket.
if it raises your hackles
that flag football lacks tackles,
it's got girls in tight jeans, so don't knock it.
"
"got the fidgets, my boy? have a drink.
it should settle your nerves in  blink.
have i gone a bit far,
seeing how young you are?
and your diaper's beginning to stink.
"
"at the outset, he talked a good line,
then cordiality? soon in decline:
seeming frankness, illusory?
his clique grew exclusory.
now boosters decamp from cloud nine.
"
"our ship has a home port, perforce,
where she's logged as a ""waterborne horse.""
she flies colors burmese
to save registry fees?
just a flag of convenience, of course.
"
"once our clinic announced they'd go under,
we made feverish efforts to fund her?
gave the old college try.
but the last grant's gone dry.
cue the music or, better yet, thunder.
"
"play the ""lay for the age of aquarius.""
air it out on your sweet stradivarius.
it's an aerious air,
like a spiritless prayer,
yet exalted. i find that hilarious.
"
"we must formularize first, then proceed:
list all steps and all stuff we may need.
since our scheme, once completed,
may yet be repeated?
even such an exceptional deed.
"
"once she cruised, but she hasn't fared well,
serving now as a quayside boatel.
her rich state rooms less stately,
she rusts, if sedately,
her screws nevermore to propel.
"
"our fool familymoon, burdened with brats,
several exes and four or five cats,
booked by pairs in denial
soon turned trauma and trial.
when we booked it, we must have been bats.
"
"it's a plank at the end of a pole,
and on concrete, a bull float's chief role,
surface water extraction,
is like genius in action.
level flatwork's the tool's simple goal.
"
"our shop's mangle is much in demand,
because flatwork's not ironed by hand:
cotton tablecloths, sheets,
stuff not broken by pleats.
ruffled froufrou's a pain, and is banned.
"
"""signal's clear once again: five by five.
thought i'd lost you; thank god you're alive.
was your aerial wrecked?
did your rig disconnect?""
""cool your jets, jack; i went for a drive.""
"
"there's an odd, indefinable charm
to my boom truck's extendable arm.
heavy goods still need crating?
she's my lady in weighting.
then she'll hoist any burden?no harm.
"
"if a dip's to excel, then one hopes
that his fagin will show him the ropes:
lifting wallets with ease,
growing fat by degrees,
with prestige on a par with the pope's.
"
"only concrete? 'twill crumble; i'm loath.
ferroconcrete is best, 'pon my oath.
our young prince's endorsement
of steel reinforcement
shows the palace is grooming for growth.
"
"this snow's not the setback we feared;
all arterious routes have been cleared.
it's already subsiding.
still, the mayor's in hiding?
the case since the first flake appeared.
"
"your chased critter's not hanging around.
any moment, she'll (swoop!) go to ground.
wield your stick, spade or sledge?
your earthed beast has the edge,
smugly certain she'll never be found.
"
"we'll find freshly dug earths on these slopes
to which critters have pinned their poor hopes.
by the end of this day
we'll have bagged loads of prey.
they're well-hid, but the hounds know the ropes.
"
"stuart's cavalry's blessed with the smarts
for the foraging?great in these parts.
they've found fodder for horses
and several fine sources
for vittles. it's gladdened our hearts.
"
"the man's dewy-eyed troops of believers?
are they blind or na?ve self-deceivers?
moonstruck babes in his thrall,
they're apologists all,
deferential as drooling retrievers.
"
"i think fruit boosts the look of my plates.
from the start, it says freshness awaits.
tiny black champagne grapes
garnish coq au vin crepes?
presentation! chef joseph creates.
"
"arundinaceous? you jest?call it ""reedy,""
that phragmites. or leave it at ""weedy.""
meanwhile, gather a batch;
it makes marvelous thatch.
we'll erect a few huts for the needy.
"
"coral walls lend a welcoming feeling,
while pale biscuit's the thing for the ceiling:
it's warm glow will pervade
and its crisp, toasty shade
(till this cheap chinese paint begins peeling).
"
"our big blast scene needs natural gas.
folks at equity won't let it pass.
unapproved union shoots
guarantee union suits.
we're on hold?what a pain in the ass!
"
"she insisted on fiddleback oak
for our floors, but the cost was no joke.
""it's got fabulous grain,""
she cooed, ""hon. don't complain.""
she's persuasive; i folded; we're broke.
"
"lest it roll off and drop to the ground,
a good carpenter's pencil's not round.
it's squared off or it's flat
and you know where it's at:
where you parked it, still hanging around.
"
"pull your troops from your neighbor's terrain!
disannex it! our edict is plain.
quit your trumped-up excuses
for greed and abuses.
what you've killed for you may not retain.
"
"as my forebears kept bouncing around,
any sense of belonging was drowned.
from the exclave, east prussia,
we fled east to russia,
then danzig?perhaps homeward bound.
"
"you'd bet dollars to donuts, you said,
that before this thing's done, you'd be dead.
your conclusion's foregone;
make that dahlias, you're on.
when you croak, i want flowers instead.
"
"her prose isn't bound by constraints:
deep-dyed villains and out-and-out saints,
poorly limned, undercooked.
still, the last time i looked,
she'd grown rich?no regrets, no complaints.
"
"a cheap pick-up, i thought?i'm a schmuck.
turn the key, tap the pedal?then duck!
probability's strong
something bad will go wrong.
defectibility lurks in this truck.
"
"having crewed on a deep-waisted smack
all these years, it came time to change tack.
now a loftier place,
the high fo'c's'le's my base.
i look aft, but i rarely look back.
"
"his new creed has decivilized kroll
beyond empathy, culture or soul.
to what beast does he answer,
what insatiable cancer?
may he plunge in a deep, noxious hole!
"
"has she cast her deciding vote yet?
no?she milks it and plays hard to get.
hell, i no longer care
if we're here or we're there.
i've grown sick of this slow minuet.
"
"daily chores on our farm aren't fair,
like the chaff box: looks tame, but beware.
best be quick on the draw
when you're mangling straw.
lop-hand larry's one short of a pair.
"
"i bought it, i own it; it's mine,
but it hangs at the met by design.
it's on loan at that site,
but my droitural right
brings it home thirty years down the line.
"
"come on, buster, just say what you mean:
circumbendibus garbles; come clean.
here's a novel suggestion:
stop dodging the question.
did you know that the girl was sixteen?
"
"billy's birth brought his ma profound pleasure,
but his rearing's more trouble than treasure:
he's a headstrong young pup,
so the boy's fetching-up
has too often meant trials beyond measure.
"
"the town fence viewer's crooked as hell,
and his work habits? lazy as well.
he's a petty official,
but we need his initial,
which the scoundrel's been known to misspell.
"
"it's gone rotten; the log's all aglow.
fox-fire fungi have this to bestow,
spawning many a tale
told to turn children pale:
midnight lights in the forest?oh, no!
"
"it's been two weeks already? who knew?
freakin' fortnightly sex has come due.
i ""i do-ed"" the old dragon?
i'll have to start shaggin'.
i'll shut my fool eyes till it's through.
"
"the flamingo is awkwardly tall.
one was eating; i thought she would fall
in the lake where she fed
when she upturned her head:
the ungainliest bird's feat of all.
"
"we're triplets, and reared with each other.
to the world, we flat match one another.
there's a favorance twixt us,
yet mom's never mixed us;
she'll spot signs only seen by a mother.
"
"we're a passionate crew at the priory,
where moods swing from placid to fiery.
his intemperate thirst
makes our prior the worst,
as you'll learn once i publish my diary.
"
"she's served up, and looks naughty but nice
on this pool raft designed to entice.
like a lamb to the slaughter,
she bobs on the water
on her floating flirtation device.
"
"woody cat's claws are vines to explore,
to fight cancers, arthritis and more.
at least two by that name
have earned local acclaim?
acclaim most modern doctors ignore.
"
"although dad was a man with a mission,
spending years touting perfect nutrition,
to conclude that our clan
went along with his plan
is a fallacy called composition.
"
"have a lit'rally fabulous day,
children. follow, for i have the way:
scale rapunzel's rare locks,
match your wits with the fox.
there'll be oodles of ogres to slay.
"
"look, i'm sorry you heard that, okay?
?that my bobble could turn you away.
having said what i said,
i deserve to ""drop dead.""
(and i'm sure dustbin beeper's not gay.)
"
"you're drowning; please do so with grace.
if you flounder about, you lose face.
rise above the wild norm;
die with class, in good form.
if you flail, show some tempo and pace.
"
"lately, kissing involves tasting lips:
what's that, cherry? egad?fish and chips!
flavored lipsticks?distractions,
offensive infractions?
whose screw-up was this? fetch my whips.
"
"""she's astonishingly sexy, your daughter.""
""and strikingly deadly?i taught her.
better back off and quit. you
won't know what's just hit you.
you'd go easy, a lamb to the slaughter.""
"
"dzhugashvili, to violence prone,
was a tyrant most wished overthrown.
so he'd murder them first
if they muttered or cursed.
russians still think of stalin and groan.
"
"over fifty feet tall is big tex.
(and imagine his other huge specs!)
want the texas state fair?
once y'all see him, you're there.
approach too close, you're craning your necks.
"
"he's self-made, self-assured, self-proclaimed,
so his album's eponymously named.
it's called, plainly, me, jim,
with a photo of him
on the jewel case, impressively framed.
"
"daylight filtered through leaves appears gentle:
shun the sun. keep your light accidental.
use the moon or a candle.
though harder to handle,
the ethereal mood's elemental.
"
"a script workable, easily read,
carolingian minuscule spread.
it was legible, clear,
and soon used far and near,
as the book hand lurched slowly ahead.
"
"rocky spoke with commanding finality:
that was that, not an if, no neutrality.
then he changed his fool mind,
the whole scheme left behind.
we poor peasants would deal with reality.
"
"the old autograph tree in the yard
has to go, but it's gonna be hard,
'cause my girl's signed the leaves
and, disheartened, she grieves,
""if you harm it, our future's ill-starred.""
"
"i'd assumed all along i was right.
found out different last saturday night:
i'd thought toto was tame.
i was wrong; now i'm lame.
and the monster's not even contrite!
"
"we've found figural art in these caves?
perhaps aurochs attended by slaves.
nothing abstract's around,
or it's yet to be found.
still, we haven't begun on the graves.
"
"my new volume with foldouts of rome
is unwieldy and craves its own home.
normal size is exceeded;
a book cradle's needed
for display and to page through this tome.
"
"blown off course to this desolate isle,
i'm forgotten, yet living in style:
food and water throughout it,
nothing ""desert"" about it?
desert island, i'll linger awhile.
"
"biological attacks are our bane,
preservation of books our domain.
roaches, book lice and mold,
never fully controlled,
eat adhesives and drive us insane.
"
"like a tome for an elegant elf,
there it rests on my curio shelf?
just four inches around,
but most splendidly bound?
it's my bibelot. see for yourself.
"
"cool and clumsy,  and round as a quail,
god's experiment: fated to fail!
might this large, passive meal
have dodged slaughter? get real!
dopy dodos would never prevail.
"
"the girl's mother so clearly enjoys
watching bess flirt her curls at the boys.
the wrong boy takes the bait;
mom wakes up?far too late.
mothers' pride very often destroys.
"
"a projectionist's change-over cue,
a small dot, said a reel switch was due.
but done poorly, it meant
an unruly event:
missing marks led to hullabaloo.
"
"there are maids to kiss, dragons to slay,
yet your hours are just fiddled away.
not a day's left to waste;
a few maids are still chaste?
there's still time to lead someone astray.
"
"bare of fist, as we say, fist and skull,
they went at it with nary a lull.
all declared it was fair.
then it ended?right there.
wild and bloody it was, never dull.
"
"as its colors change hour by hour,
you discover this world of the tower.
so take a companion
on walks through bryce canyon:
enjoy nature's rock-sculpting power.
"
"handsome eland appear to our eyes:
twisting horns, dewlapped necks and great size.
these antelopes' browns
grace woodlands (not towns)
or savannas, 'neath blue afric skies.
"
"descriptive grammar says, ""this way is right?
or it's wrong."" grammar rules ain't polite.
it's accepted, ok,
if it's heard every day,
though it's likely to change overnight.
"
"teleprompters are useless ? know why?
he'll rephrase you before your ""ink's"" dry,
without missing a beat:
this one thinks on his feet.
he'll emend and delete on the fly.
"
"i'll be ""pulling"" an audax next week,
which demands all my cyclist's physique:
gotta lead the whole route
with my lines in pursuit.
constant speed, pre-set stops. it's unique.
"
"at the head of a glossary leaf
you'll see catchwords; they'll save you some grief.
the intent's cut and dried:
as a word-seeker's guide,
like ""this page runs from moth to motif.""
"
"it's an interlude meant to provoke,
this fantasia of jazz and baroque.
with this wild, carefree style,
free of boundary or guile,
music's altered at one swinging stroke.
"
"if an enemy flourished a blade,
i, no hero, would swiftly be swayed.
should the foeman bear steel,
my poor blood would congeal.
better kneel than be flayed and filleted.
"
"as of right, all these holdings are mine,
and my governance largely benign.
as i please, thus, i seize
all the yields and esplees
of its mills? and the fruit of the vine.
"
"""these potatoes are fingerlings, friend?
just as thick as your thumb end to end.
oiled, seasoned and roasted,
they're superb,"" the chef boasted.
""even spuds, in my hands, can transcend.""
"
"since our forebears arrived on these shores,
many millions have flocked to our stores.
on-line shopping's destroyed us.
the youngsters avoid us.
it's over: we're closing our doors.
"
"there's a cable ferry 'cross lake champlain.
it's slow, but complaints are in vain.
please do not pop your cork
on your trip to new york.
you'll earn nothing but glares of disdain.
"
"a dissenter has now lost his voice;
the complacent must surely rejoice.
the now executed giant
is no longer defiant?
laryngitis eternal?their choice.
"
"before novels appear at the shops,
this vocation's been plying its chops:
bibliogony's books?
their production, their looks?
an obscure art, but grant it its props.
"
"you're wrong, sir, with all due respect:
exoneration's too much to expect.
you predict you'll be free?
i'm afraid that won't be.
when you sideswiped that nun, you were wrecked.
"
"the magnificent african flame tree
and the chilean aren't the same tree.
the latter, in fact,
is more bush?more compact,
not deserving, some feel, of the name tree.
"
"a scarred carcass is all that remains
of a couch left behind on the plains.
its upholstery gone,
the oak frame lingers on,
stripped by heat and by cold, soaking rains.
"
"her hair feltered and flat, as from sex
stirred old cravings in me, belowdecks.
from her pallet she rose.
there and then, i suppose,
i fell right back in lust with my ex.
"
"we'll be starting a backfire right here
so the hazard is not so severe.
burn it out; that's the trick.
get the drip torch, and quick?
and a red card who's mastered the gear.
"
"gloryosky! ods bodkins! hell's bells!
something nasty's invaded the wells.
it's corroding our skin
and eroding within:
cytocidal, it's murdering cells.
"
"cystolithic's a grandiose word
for the cramps my old bladder incurred
when a stone tried to pass
like a mass of crushed glass.
rocks in there? the whole concept's absurd.
"
"giant zips on her clothes have me hopin'
they're bold 'cause they want to be open.
""here's the fastening, jack.""
it blares boldly, ""attack!""
ease of access with minimal gropin'.
"
"the net's out; now the problem's to shift her,
so we sail in a craft called a drifter.
the crew's singular wish
is a netful of fish
and a boat with a hoist fit to lift her.
"
"fin-de-siecle: motifs of decay
in the arts?had the world gone astray?
in the cynic's ennui
lurked a soup?on of plea:
the two thousands might yet be okay.
"
"your depurative's cleansing effect
was intense. now i'm drawn, drained, and wrecked.
i'm not meant to be pure,
doc, so keep your fool cure.
i'd as soon my gut rot from neglect.
"
"it's a focal infection, quite treatable.
though one dose should work, it's repeatable.
i've observed it firsthand;
it's confined to a gland.
modern imaging?man, it's unbeatable!
"
"if worked leather you're hoping to sell,
you must learn where to pause for a spell.
correct use of hot brass
is a pain in the ass.
often, tooling requires a dwell.
"
"from my shirts to my light summer slacks,
i choose linens from bergdorf or saks.
finest fibers are key,
and from plants they must be?
not synthetic, ma'am, flax?just the flax.
"
"your schemes for surviving the drought
are quite sketchy, and need fleshing out.
jurisdictions aside,
arctic ice has been tried,
and the nile might prove tough to reroute.
"
"at book checkout, try not to skip
the encoded security strip:
its deactivation
(desensitization).
our exit alarm is a pip!
"
"if it's movement you wish to convey,
clever flow maps may well be the way.
volume, source and direction
are there for inspection.
there's no end to what flow maps display.
"
"it's an auction; high bidder prevails.
we'll need someone to cry off the sales?
one who's naturally glib,
who can slickly ad-lib,
and spin tales about ten-penny nails.
"
"with a term-load  of research to read,
you'll want coursepack; it's all you will need.
it beats dragging around;
it's excerpted and bound,
and the whole ball of wax?guaranteed.
"
"damn the contraries! full speed ahead.
re-used paper goods earn us our bread.
staples, pins and such crap,
once recycling's trap,
filtered out, pave our roadways instead.
"
"""save the snail darter,"" nature nuts squeak;
""they're exposed in this tennessee creek.""
preservationists prayed
that our dam be delayed.
ecological logic's damn weak!
"
"deprivation has kept me up nights.
what's become of my spousal delights?
give the baby a break;
bliss awaits you?partake.
don't deny my consortial rights.
"
"this drug's anxiogenic effects
may be countered? in certain respects:
yes, there's angst and mistrust,
but concomitant lust
may offset these, the research projects.
"
"is the flapjack some overweight crepe?
no, this pancake's in fine eating shape.
although some would say hotcakes,
in my home they're not cakes.
but a short stack's my morning escape.
"
"here in maine, it's full fiddle-heading season!
not to hunt the young ferns would be treason.
they're so tender in salads,
i'm moved to pen ballads
(our long winter is also a reason).
"
"guacamole dip? none of it's left.
and of bridge mix the sideboard's bereft.
so you'll have to admit
the whole snack spread's a hit.
tonight's poker, though, sure felt like theft.
"
"they held sway from well-guarded retreats,
the old royals, the ruling elites.
now, dominion-restricted,
decrowned and evicted,
deposed monarchs are prowling the streets.
"
"i called ""lights"" and the cast was flat floored,
'cause that flat shows a town by a fjord.
but this scene's in old texas!
and what's with the lexus?
are the stagehands here drunk or just bored?
"
"no more climbing for me, and that's that!
by tonight, i reside on the flat.
my poor back's been complaining,
whole carcass campaigning
for rest, which i'm sure i've got pat.
"
"a flash smash well before it's on sale,
the thing's hailed to its slightest detail.
but with defects profuse,
it flat fizzles in use,
and, depopularized, punctured, turns stale.
"
"sue, i'm sorry. it's just as i feared:
half your hair's on the floor; you look weird.
your new coif's incomplete
with the fall at your feet.
like a ewe, you look partially sheared.
"
"i said, ""ethyl's the fuel for my tank.""
but the pump jockey just drew a blank.
""that means 'high-test,' you clown.""
then he said, with a frown,
""so who's ethel, you muddled old crank?""
"
"like the apron to carry his seed,
for the farmer each thing filled a need.
but with dibbles around,
other uses were found.
discard nothing's the wise farmer's creed.
"
"for my verse, you're a callous mortician:
you've depoetized every submission.
an original trope
in your hands has no hope,
and is butchered beyond recognition.
"
"there, deplumate, she lay on the strand:
a lost plover half-buried in sand,
stripped of plumage and broken.
the storm god had spoken
with a certain and cold, heavy hand.
"
"keep your cold city sidewalks; they're scary.
my favorance? life on the prairie.
i feel free on the plains;
they've sunk deep in my veins.
urban living? eat, drink, but be wary.
"
"after opening night at the play
came a wonderful finger buffet:
vol-au-vents, canap?s
they'd been making for days?
all utensils and plates stashed away.
"
"does cross-country not challenge enough?
step it up, man; don't leave in a huff.
take a fell running flyer?
all the climbs you require.
i'm retired; i'll cheer from my duff.
"
"in some factories, angels are trained
(well, not yet, but their fate's pre-ordained).
there the sedulous squad
hits the books about god.
self-indulgent, god's never complained.
"
"your poem's set in gothic. what's worse,
a tall drop cap begins every verse,
invading the space
of some lines. lack of grace
in a typesetter's crude and perverse.
"
"cross-and-bible doors greet us with style,
though today the old lore makes us smile:
its six-panel design
was to witches a sign
that this home would endure any trial.
"
"certain leathers are made ?cras?.
though uncommon, it's still done today.
once it's crushed and compressed,
it emerges distressed.
a fine grain is what gives it away.
"
"a site called a cobweb's found where?
on the web! no arachnids, though, there:
not a visit in ages,
no tweaks to its pages,
it sits jilted with no one to care.
"
"bureau spending's a tad out of hand;
i've got orders: ""assert more command.""
i'm ""the powers that be,""
so first clear it with me
when your project is fresh, newly planned.
"
"of late i've been tempting the fates
in cold waters where anchor ice waits.
the traverse is worthwhile,
for there's gold on an isle
in these narrows i've named dire straits.
"
"in the deli it waits to be picked,
true ingredients hard to predict:
here's your lunch in the flesh,
packaged more or less fresh
in a clamshell. don't fight it; you're licked.
"
"delineatory strokes are a start
and an outline, a frame, for my art.
unfulfilled, though, they're static,
so monochromatic?
insipid?mere skin with no heart.
"
"young lancelot?damn, that kid fights.
he's the ablest and truest of knights.
so i wagered a guinea
he wouldn't bed gwinny.
i've lost. he was nabbed dead to rights.
"
"we're crisscrossed by fallen flag rails,
some converted to greenways and trails?
rights of way now grown over
with thistle and clover,
while the interstate system prevails.
"
"i have surfed through the internet's pages.
though it draws me, it often enrages.
instructive, arousing,
but who joins me at browsing?
surely, imbeciles, psychos and sages.
"
"as far as the brass are concerned,
it was derequisitioned: returned
to its previous role
in civilian control.
that proved tricky: the sarge had it burned.
"
"flinderation now litters the floor
where i smashed poor aunt mabel's french door.
i've been searching right hard
for each chip, every shard,
'cause both mabel and door are pre-war.
"
"in a water-tub, apples are loot:
fish one out with just teeth. it's a hoot!
sure, such bobbing's traditional,
but less than nutritional,
and probably bad for the fruit.
"
"i've started a fanzine for mama.
i'll portray there a full panorama
of her virtues, in print.
she deserves it, i'll hint,
even more than that joker obama.
"
"could you please tone it down just a tad?
all your bickering's driving me mad.
you're at loggerheads nightly.
try disputing politely,
like, ""shall we choose ziploc or glad?""
"
"in a book shop, i'm stunned, brought to tears,
when a fabulous relic appears:
a pristine ainsworth psalter.
""however,"" i falter,
""has it lasted these four hundred years?""
"
"where alternative history parts
from the facts, there the writer's job starts.
booth is checked; abe survives.
mudd sells cures for the hives?
no great shakes on the booksellers' charts.
"
"this kayaker's personal goal
is elusive: an eskimo roll.
to perform that full spin,
popping up with a grin,
demands fortitude, poise and control.
"
"having camped in this hidden ravine,
we're evicted by risks unforeseen:
there's a flash flood alert;
it's decamp or eat dirt.
desert sand's not our favorite cuisine.
"
"the follies flo ziegfeld has planned
are extravagant?costly and grand
as produced for the stage.
they're the rage of the age.
preferred seating is much in demand.
"
"""drink this compound?your bladder's like new,""
my french herbalist swore. it was true.
no more sprints to the john
and the burning's long gone.
merci, buchu; cystitis, adieu.
"
"whether collards or cabbage or kale,
we'll make certain that cole crops prevail,
that when congress convenes
it pays homage to greens.
our kohlrabi house lobby can't fail.
"
"biographical pictures needs snipping,
hence, biopics, by fore-and-aft clipping.
influenza yields flu?;
the word fridge shows it too.
i'd go on, but this tale's less than gripping.
"
"beyond doubt, the new gift shop's first rate:
varied stock, browsability great,
indirect, skillful lighting;
displays most inviting.
your prize is there, lying in wait.
"
"though i've placed us, i think, on my map,
there's a wide curiosity gap
between factors i'm sure of
and some i'll want more of.
i'm a painstaking sort of a chap.
"
"where a book's in fine binding and fair,
a chemise brings protection from wear,
or misuse or damp weather.
whether silk or soft leather,
the book's swaddled. (it's ugly out there.)
"
"local drifters have heard about didi
and her handouts of grub for the needy.
the broad's a bit kookie,
but good for a dukie.
no seconds, though?mustn't seem greedy.
"
"when your shipment arrived, i was pissed.
my request was for floss?with no twist.
what i'm crafting demands
six divisible strands.
lisle is wrong. take it back, i insist!
"
"on the day a hot album's released,
fans are drooling: the ways have been greased.
long before the disc drops,
a good manager's props
have been earned, and it's on to the feast.
"
"to judge me, sir, by any decision
of my neighbors (all fit for derision)
assumes i'm like my town.
the mere thought brings me down.
it's a fallacy?that of division.
"
"primal nymph, we invoke your support:
tempest-tossed, to your care we resort.
o undine, elemental
of water, be gentle.
we're swamped; now the ball's in your court.
"
"""what do you know, you ignorant sprout?
it takes cheek to call my plans in doubt!
your idea's for the birds,""
he said. famous last words:
three months later, the ""sprout"" chucked him out.
"
"martha'd shut her damn pie-hole up tight
as a bull's ass in flytime?all night.
did she let slip a word?
not that that anyone heard.
it was her way to put up a fight.
"
"connie's crossness will get her canned yet.
she's damned surly and quickly upset.
when that broad blows her stack,
there's no holding her back.
and that last time the boss won't forget.
"
"fanfare binding?these binders weren't fooling:
leathered boards and gold leaf-enhanced tooling.
there'll be magic inside;
i'd display it with pride.
damn the price tag! this book has me drooling.
"
"he's intractable, jill's new prince charming,
his devotion to logic alarming.
he disputes with true zeal,
and his passion seems real.
such discussional ardor's disarming.
"
"by the ganges, the flood plain is rich
with alluvium. still, there's a hitch:
fertile muds?marl and clay?
washed from hills far away
can wreak havoc. ain't farm life a bitch?
"
"the crusade labeled back-to-the-land
promotes planting all free space at hand:
warehouse roofs, vacant lots
should sprout neighborhood plots.
grow your own, it affirms?take a stand.
"
"certain mutts have perennial blues,
soulful bloodhounds with pendulous flews
drooping south from the lip
in perpetual drip
and sad eyes i could never refuse.
"
"the old salt muttered something obscene,
then, ""i'll meet you on fiddler's green.
sassy strumpets and rum
will await when you come.""
then he drowned; he's an aqua marine.
"
"it's a fibber mcgee's closet in there:
mounds of rummage and no room to spare.
one particular stack
looks prepared to attack.
it's been growling and shifting?i swear!
"
"caught flagrante delicto, engaged
in the act, they were shocked?then enraged.
on the web, then, surpassed
by an all-monkey cast,
they were admirably aped and upstaged.
"
"fool hussy's got no common sense;
she's been quite the coquette with the gents.
land sakes! did you ever?
and the boss calls her clever.
mercy me! what a turn of events.
"
"that dynamo hotshot we hired
grew fatigable?easily tired.
what weird weed was he taking,
or was he just faking?
no matter?last night he expired.
"
"acquiring through cold-hearted guile,
acting execrably callous and vile,
he clung close to the law,
till his final hurrah,
living lavishly large, in high style.
"
"our silk ferret remains in fine shape,
and there's always a use for this tape:
to bind parcels, edge scanties
(we stock pink just for panties).
the queen's seamstress seems fond of the grape.
"
"he imagined a night of romance;
his passions rose deep in his pants.
when his whispers proved rude,
her declinal ensued:
so genteelly she cooed, ""not a chance.""
"
"this new flapper style looks a bit odd,
but it flatters a thick girl's fa?ade.
yes, the drop-waist look's yummy
and swallows the tummy.
you're hot, daisy?honest to god.
"
"kramer sponged on you, that's what he did,
like a leech on your ass, god forbid.
now his greed's overtaken him;
wisely, you've shaken him.
leeches are bloodsuckers, kid.
"
"a distraction was all that it took,
and his knight forked my bishop and rook.
but he hadn't foreseen
that the knight screened his queen.
chess is beauty, and i am no schnook.
"
"my promotion felt more like defeat:
the vast office suite wasn't so sweet.
a small cubicle's bliss
'cause its walls nearly kiss.
claustrophilia's more like my beat.
"
"at the fairgrounds, they'll charge you a penny
for a whirl on a wild flying jenny.
threats of mishap aside,
it's a child-thrilling ride?
a perennial highlight for many.
"
"in the old days, each port had its flake?
like a platform?and ours took the cake:
built to dry the day's catch,
ours held every last batch.
but to lodge there? a stinking mistake.
"
"we hear you're soon off on a trek.
we'll supply your whole fitout?on spec:
should it lead to a book,
give our house the first look.
meanwhile, try not to break your fool neck.
"
"an accepted promotional pairing
shows distinctions not otherwise glaring.
your competitor's car
seems like yours from afar,
so appose them; encourage comparing.
"
"it's new year's; we're tired, but reviving.
our first-footers should soon be arriving,
bearing fruit cake and wine,
their appearance a sign
that our home is thus blessed, indeed thriving.
"
"although flak jacket wearing's a perk,
it would draw flak from jerks here at work.
keep one near, standing by,
in case lead starts to fly.
meanwhile, chill?you're the property clerk.
"
"rainbow trout is a seasonal dish,
and as tasty as any could wish.
to a nice shady hole
take your pliable pole?
your best fly rod, your lures, and go fish.
"
"our carpenter's great; i approve?
how he feathers each tongue for its groove.
a securely made joint
is a paramount point.
signing heinz was our craftiest move.
"
"good sir toby, you belch?you're besotted,
and with aguecheek frequently spotted.
as you're witty and shrewd
(if at times a bit lewd),
poor malvolio fell when you plotted.
"
"after screw-ups had run us aground,
we sensed hope that at last we'd rebound.
we're no longer believing;
the faint glow was deceiving:
that false dawn's proved deeply unsound.
"
"can you fault me for canning their asses?
he's stupid; she's slow as molasses.
you expect, what? some sorrow?
i'll forget them tomorrow,
leaving only a stench?but that passes.
"
"it's draw day; i'll ask an advance.
i could use extra cash at the dance.
there'll be flowers and candy,
later on, maybe brandy.
for a logger, this stuff's high finance.
"
"where's our regular poker deck, dude?
get a load of these court cards: all nude,
every queen's lovely rack
clearly interests her jack,
and each king's up to something damned lewd.
"
"are you sidious, ruthful or ruly?
or just trepid?now answer me truly.
absent antonyms?freaks
i've collected for weeks?
may be wieldy; disport with them coolly.
"
"after grooming, my pet comes home dyed
reddish orange. i'm fit to be tied:
my newly tame dingo,
his coat now flamingo!
but my bruce takes it all in his stride.
"
"the hare's white now; this color's a phase
that eludes every predator's gaze.
he's a dun-colored blur
in his summertime fur.
evolution has ways that amaze.
"
"""bring your kids into line"" was the norm
in our homeland: ensure they conform.
so the place was benighted.
far removed now, delighted
(though anxious), we're ripe to transform.
"
"when we're staffing, we aim for the mean:
central casting types?standard, routine?
not too smart or too hairy.
atypical's scary.
an orange is orange, not green.
"
"facilitation's the soul of our days:
extrication from snags and delays.
you'll be stunned how it feels
once we've greased all your wheels.
workin' web sites ""r"" us?we have ways.
"
"the archive is hurting for space.
culling out, though, would be a disgrace.
so we save it on fiche,
photographically. sheesh?
the condition! let's step up the pace.
"
"his assumptions will prove incorrect;
it's a train wreck continued unchecked.
he'll hear no one's opinions
but his groveling minions',
so, far be it from me to object.
"
"fertilization will follow, when fated,
after couplings divinely x-rated:
the old egg-and-the-sperm thing,
the dead-bunnies-confirm thing.
expecting, for most, means ""elated.""
"
"this month's ovum's released, like as not
hitting nothing but fimbria. what
fate waits for it hinges
on chance past these fringes,
and that sure but implausible shot.
"
"find my smock, child; i do look a fright;
i'm especially grimy tonight.
i've been slopping the hogs
and de-lousing the dogs.
my fool coverslut's nowhere in sight.
"
"we were playing the dozens that night, sir.
his description of momma ain't right, sir:
sure, the bitch is a junky,
but she ain't no old monkey.
i offed the damn fool in a fight, sir.
"
"kooky curlers know ways to have fun
and the bonspiel's our favorite one.
what could be more appealing
than sweeping and kneeling
on ice? (""hush! the match has  begun."")
"
"my old carriage clock runs a bit slow,
like its owner. so that's apropos.
its small handle, you'll note,
makes it easy to tote,
though in truth i've got nowhere to go.
"
"ben, i'm grateful you've sent me the blues
for review. i'm afraid there's bad news:
there are gaps in the copy;
the font appears sloppy.
my green light? i'll have to refuse.
"
"i'd prefer to be wed to ike's horse.
ike's ill-mannered and boorish and coarse.
like his stallion's, ike's spike
has the specs that i like,
so i think i'll defer the divorce.
"
"don't be trapped by what's right and polite.
keep things practical, don't get uptight.
expediential decisions
ward off most collisions?
but keep an escape route in sight.
"
"at the party, all eyes are on laura,
who's dressed casual: just a fedora.
a man's hat will suffice;
laura aims to entice,
so she sports little more than her aura.
"
"compact's inked; we are one with our mates,
a now federated union of states.
but with most largely farmed,
and the urbanized armed,
our young merger's in desperate straits.
"
"since milady's as quicksilver?fickle,
milord's stratagems? clever and mickle.
cockeyed (drunk) off a bender,
he'll be maudlin and tender,
and avert a connubial pickle.
"
"averruncate foul smaug?weed him out.
the worm's charred half the shire with his snout.
base entreaties won't work;
he's been raging berserk.
has the drake got draconian gout?
"
"forlorn hope? true, though some felt it needed.
yet our sure futile gesture succeeded!
though resigned to defeat
then ignoble retreat,
we all froze as our foes were stampeded.
"
"a loud message adorns her caboose.
in pink flocking, her butt proclaims ""juice""
in raised letters. unfair!
though she's sweet, you're aware:
make a move and you've cooked your own goose.
"
"every four-flusher dreams he'll die rich,
but big louie's a son-of-a-bitch.
use that freakin' cold deck?
you'd be risking your neck.
if it's spotted, you'll die in a ditch.
"
"the feijoa, a guava-like fruit
from new zealand, has growing repute.
aromatic and sweet,
its liqueur can't be beat.
try the schnapps for a singular toot.
"
"always here by my side, ever handy,
is my architect's scale; it's a dandy:
with six scales on three faces,
it covers all bases.
and its pear wood bears scents of fine brandy.
"
"our interior fenestrate walls
invite light to our stairways and halls.
in these windowed surroundings,
what's cool and astounding's
the sense that the space fairly sprawls.
"
"shall we try a short feather cut, hon?
it's a do that's both easy and fun.
and (let's cut to the chase)
it will frame that sweet face.
you won't know yourself after we're done.
"
"see her eyebrows, that flash? that's a sign:
recognition, and likely benign.
it's impromptu and swift?
conversational thrift.
but don't read it as ""your place or mine?""
"
"with its talents and uses untold,
my dear food processor never grows old.
when my life's all a-rush,
it makes succulent mush,
spinning madly?a sight to behold.
"
"""make wet, you t'ink?"" ""sure we'll have rain.
look, it's spritzing already; it's plain.""
though such dutchified speech
isn't much of a reach,
it's a dialect destined to wane.
"
"once my divvy and his he'd projected,
some mischief was what i suspected.
so i tripled my share,
and he's still unaware.
""a cold vengeance is best,"" i reflected.
"
"is your gut like a clay-filled balloon?
you're obstructed? how inopportune!
we've got just what you need:
you'll be naturally freed
by that black-coated worker, the prune.
"
"it's like heading a movie marquee?
on a website, the first thing you see:
an above-the-fold story
means kudos and glory.
no scrolling, and this one's by me.
"
"a marine dorsibranchiate worm
like the sea mouse, my sources confirm,
bears its gills on its back.
this defines the whole pack?
i should stop now. i'm feeling infirm.
"
"""that's a foot fault; your toe touched the line,""
barked the line judge (the finicky swine).
damn the tournament rules,
made by fussy old fools.
please inform them this backcourt is mine.
"
"in the air there's a fever of greed:
as we struggle for shots to succeed.
with those fat cats to fleece,
the whole town craves a piece:
this big movie shoot's just what we need.
"
"in the fells and the dingles i've strolled,
i've found traces of droveways of old.
here and there one appears,
trodden deep over years,
walked by livestock, their numbers untold.
"
"venture kate and you might emerge lamed,
but sweet bianca just lives to be claimed.
though she'd wed, it's delayed.
old baptista's unswayed:
she'll not marry till katherine's tamed.
"
"arancini, our rice balls deep-fried,
filled with meat sauce and served as a side,
add sicilian appeal
to our scampi or veal.
la cucina presents them with pride.
"
"in her aerie surrounded by sky,
is this eaglet prepared yet to fly?
fully fledged now (in feathers),
she'll try the nest's tethers.
she's off, sharply squealing, ""banzai!""
"
"""friends forever,"" we used to profess,
till to others you fleered at my dress.
i felt stabbed in the back
by that catty attack.
i'll get mine?in due time?with finesse.
"
"my flick-knife resides in my pocket.
one move and it's out like a rocket,
and before you know, swish!
you are one cold, dead fish.
there are corpses that thought they could block it.
"
"expectorators throng our saloons
to bedizen the portrait cartoons
showing mountebanks, phonies,
their flunkies and cronies?
our now spittle-specked ""walls of buffoons.""
"
"newly loosed from his mom's apron strings,
he's a fledgling; he's trying his wings.
and though dazed or distressed
(so much world to digest),
he's provoked by what each morning brings.
"
"this year's plantings are rapidly failing:
many husks are flavescent; they're ailing.
when leafage is yellowing,
it's not merely mellowing.
our plans for this crop are derailing.
"
"we might fother the hull's growing crack
using canvas?an old seaman's knack.
there's a thrum-loaded sail
in the hold. it could fail,
but we're leaking; let's give 'er a whack.
"
"a week's harvest, three cartloads of wheat,
might be swapped for two months' worth of meat.
a few fothers?that's all,
but enough to forestall
more distress till we're back on our feet.
"
"i told you already, i shan't.
my mining ability's scant.
this crystalline stone
has a mind of its own.
it's adamant. move it? i can't!
"
"a hunter who shall remain nameless
didn't plan far ahead; he was aimless.
when his aimlessness spread
to his shooting, instead
of bagging a stag, he was gameless.
"
"sir henry, a hard-drinking vicar,
slouched cellarward, candle aflicker.
its flame, though not bright,
shed light on his plight:
he'd guzzled the last of his liquor.
"
"the amply expressive embracing
which followed successful girl-chasing
in ancient flirtation
was called amplexation,
and oft led to corset-unlacing.
"
"when the cop saw a corpse in the bog, he
found something that made him quite groggy:
grayish fat, ear to ear.
it was adipocere:
that's what happens when dead heads get soggy.
"
"the toddler received as a gift
a present which gave her a lift:
a helium balloon!
by mid-afternoon,
she was floating past harrow, adrift.
"
"apollo's aeolian harp
always sounded, he thought, rather sharp.
then a gust rose, whereat
it now sounded quite flat!
to the wind-god he hastened to carp.
"
"affusion refers to the sprinkling
of infants, held over a sink-thing.
it saves souls, some are sure,
but the baptists demur:
of sin, they say, tots have no inkling.
"
"though joe made a sworn affidavit,
the lawyer neglected to save it.
his statement in writing
was barred from indicting
the perp, so in person he gave it.
"
"the farmer once harbored majestic
ambitions beyond his agrestic
existence, so rural:
perhaps paint a mural
or formulate rhymes anapestic.
"
"bozo's bygone as farmer grey's mule.
i'd decitizenize him; he's not cool.
disenfranchise the dunce,
then deport him at once.
make him instantly nobody's fool.
"
"fritto misto, all battered and fried:
luscious morsels here sold as a side?
chunks of lamb, beef and fish,
a mixed bag of a dish?
the best finger food i've ever tried.
"
"it's bipolar, the dumka, though pretty.
its mood swings from joyous to gritty.
is it slavic? slavonic?
either way it's a tonic,
but it's scarce here in mexico city.
"
"you've permission to crash here, although
it's all pending a valid co.
there are palms yet to grease?
town inspectors, police.
legal permits demand lots of dough.
"
"at a garden shop, ""flora peoria,""
was an ilex yclept vomitoria.
but the shop owner, smart,
gave its sales a fresh start
by renaming it ""holly sweet gloria.""
"
"the sweet brazzera, idiosyncratic
to the coasts of the blue adriatic
is both solid and sleek.
with dubrovnik's mystique,
it's the dream of this sailing fanatic.
"
"we'll be turning you loose soon. too bad,
but your frivolling's driving us mad.
unproductive, a waste?
still, you'll soon be replaced.
let us know where you land. regards, dad.
"
"he's too modest; that shot's not ""routine"":
on the apron just short of the green.
it's a nasty damn hole;
now a chip, a short roll,
and he's in! ernie's talent's obscene.
"
"this dismantling before it's begun
delegitimizes all that we've done.
the act stands or it falls,
but at least have the balls
to allow it some time in the sun.
"
"the new system's divisible. please
watch me sunder each segment?with ease.
decompoundable gear
is high-tech's new frontier:
frequent upgrades, you'll find, are a breeze.
"
"my dad is an abstinent faster.
his appetite couldn't be vaster,
but dad doesn't eat!
not the tiniest treat:
instead he imbibes oil of castor.
"
"our provost, historically hated,
thinks deans should be re-educated
in how to be sinister
when they administer
sanctions and rules he's instated.
"
"""pf"" in pfeffer and ""ch"" in chinese
are affricatives both, if you please.
they start with a stop,
then let air from the top
of your mouth, sort of like when you sneeze.
"
"the demands of the slaves did resound:
""set us free! let us be freedom bound!
affranchise us, master!
avoid the disaster
of houses burned down to the ground!""
"
"a person whose gullet's constricted
can't mention with what he's afflicted.
if no one takes note
of him clutching his throat,
then a terrible fate is predicted.
"
"the sherry called amontillado
was sipped by a man with bravado.
he slept, then he reeled:
his tomb had been sealed
with bricks! oh forlorn fortunado!
"
"vincente at courting was artless.
if only he'd talked of descartes less,
and more about love
and subjects thereof,
he wouldn't, right now, be sweetheartless.
"
"at reunions he often would strum the
guitar while proceeding to hum the
""fight fiercely"" school song
or perhaps sing along
in the hope that he'd charm an alumna.
"
"my english professor was amicable
until i changed ""grammar"" to ""grammicable""
in my composition:
his warm disposition
soon waned, and i failed my examicable.
"
"one day meg and her flea-bitten squad
sought relief, and so beachward they trod.
but these dogs came a cropper:
the pernicious sand hopper
lay in wait: a.k.a. amphipod.
"
"they met in berlin, in the airlift;
he foolishly let their affair drift.
he furnished supplies;
they said their goodbyes,
her smile, so beguiling, a rare gift.
"
"through the decades that bond's been a spy,
signs of aging he's seemed to defy.
does he have special clearance
for youthful appearance?
perhaps agerasia is why.
"
"i looked my old friend in the face,
and asked how he'd paid for his space
(a mansion, it's termed).
he smugly affirmed:
""i took alydar, three times, to place.""
"
"two or three words, when combined
in a single word, may be defined
as an agglutination:
like ""serbo-croatian""
or ""laptop"" or ""payment-in-kind.""
"
"a confectioner, abdul rajit,
was killed in kabul.  his afreet
encased his attacker
in chocolatey lacquer:
revenge, for this spirit, was sweet.
"
"grammarians, seldom aggressive,
are apt to react with excessive
conniptions of anger,
and stir from their languor,
when someone thinks ""it's"" is possessive.
"
"how tr?s debonaire you've become!
you carry yourself with aplomb.
i adore how you strut,
but you do undercut
this by constantly sucking your thumb.
"
"when meeting st. pete at the gate,
conceal all your feelings of hate.
without his approval
you're prone to removal,
so best clear the sins off your plate.
"
"apitpat his heart was a-beating.
impatient, he hoped for a meeting
with admiral flander,
his naval commander,
whose time for appointments was fleeting.
"
"the storm tossed the cast-iron tanker;
its sixty-knot winds nearly sank her.
good news for the crew:
the captain came through
and remembered to lower the anchor.
"
"these last run-throughs were just what we need:
results duplicable?now we proceed.
if they turn out repeatable,
als should be treatable.
recoup costs? they'll accuse us of greed.
"
"dioeciously many herbs grow
individually sexed, dontcha know:
it's just pollen from one,
while his consort bears none.
but the seed is all hers to bestow.
"
"apple's touting a line of devices
for the cook: to identify spices.
they appeal to all classes,
but flat fever the masses,
who must own it. who cares what the price is!
"
"lustful bingeing on betty-lou's breasts?
nothing to it; she never protests.
it's my constant routine,
and a luscious cuisine,
but i'm open to taking requests.
"
"you're bogged down in a mountain of work.
can't complain, you'd come off as a jerk.
you've got data-compiling,
archive-searching and filing.
it's a paycheck?few perks for a clerk.
"
"ascochyta's blighted the grass
on my sod farm?a pain in the ass.
my best turf's turning brown.
is my spread going down?
no, the crowns are clean; this too shall pass.
"
"it's arrived, the foul day i've been dreading:
they've definitized plans for their wedding.
she'll marry her boozer,
her unemployed loser.
in lieu of a brain he's got breading.
"
"let's pull up for a time, boys?sit tight;
we'll be dry-camping here overnight.
yes, a spring would be nice,
but our stores should suffice.
we'll decamp and head west at first light.
"
"the sheer numbers of courses here floor me.
i've consumed quite enough to restore me.
i've been watching my weight,
but the grub here is great.
you're still hungry? then finish it for me.
"
"for this outbuilding, dry wall should do;
there's no cause to use mortar or glue.
there'll be chinks here and there,
but what's stored here won't care
when the weather comes whistling on through.
"
"built by irishmen crushed by starvation,
the old famine roads crisscross the nation.
fading marks of futility
and human fragility,
still they linger in mute accusation.
"
"the milkweed: it's blest or it's cursed.
its dry follicles swell up and burst,
spreading fairy-light seeds
among plantings and weeds.
do they germinate? what was there first?
"
"eptatretus is blessed with a skull,
but no spine, so rigidity's null.
super slimy and eel-like
(don't ask what they feel like),
and ghastly?it's not at all dull.
"
"it's at daybreak, the firing squad.
i'm excused from attending, thank god.
the waiting is numbing.
still, chef has it coming:
it's known precious leader hates scrod.
"
"her worn face told a punishing tale:
an absumed look, eroded and frail.
she'd held troubles inside,
first consumed then denied,
but her eyes revealed every detail.
"
"my bell-penny's kept for the cost
of interment when yours truly's lost.
set aside not for leisure
or ephemeral pleasure,
it waits till that last threshold's crossed.
"
"you've been schooled; has it all been for naught?
guess you're not yet prepared as we thought.
don't just stand half asleep;
meet a lady, bow deep:
drag your foot, as a gentleman ought.
"
"as most woolens are fomites, please
do not trade them?they may spread disease.
these used robes are contagious?
you knew that? outrageous!
may you lie among bedbugs and fleas.
"
"lance, you'll stand in my stead with the queen.
she wants patience; you knows what i mean.
when my work load decreases,
your delegacy ceases.
the king requires royal routine.
"
"the cyrilla's a leathern-leafed tree
(or a shrub?connoisseurs don't agree).
in warm wetlands,where found,
it stays green the year 'round.
mini-whites are its flowers that be.
"
"my pool-cleaner's manic-depressive.
he swoons, then becomes all aggressive.
when he's done being idle,
he gets algicidal:
his pool-cleaning, then, is impressive!
"
"a priest, reading mass, wasn't blind;
eyed a lass with a luscious behind.
just under his alb, a cross
hung like an albatross.
white was his robe, not his mind.
"
"eight polyps on each branch of coral,
with patterns delightfully floral,
are alcyonarian.
beautiful? very?an
undersea diver'd not quarrel.
"
"some actions are quite aggravating:
like cutting in line without waiting,
and toddler berating,
and ego inflating,
and other-than-self deprecating.
"
"in the breeze, under trees, i will read a
line of verse, and converse with my frida.
we'll drink pink lemonade
on the long promenade:
i'm a fool for the cool alameda.
"
"said freud to his patient named alice: ""and
how long have you wanted a phallus and
to sleep with your mother?""
said alice, ""oh, brother!
as long as i've been your analysand!""
"
"if you told me that moles were acrotic,
i'd think you were quite idiotic.
since they're usually found
living deep underground,
they'd find surfaces highly exotic.
"
"the north-country dialect anglian
is hard, nowadays, to untanglian
from the southern, or kentish,
old english accentish.
to them, we'd sound very newfanglian.
"
"if handed a plate of alfalfa
before i could taste it, i'd ralph a
deposit of barf
on your fancy-pants scarf:
i'm a male, don't you see, and i'm alpha.
"
"with eating skills truly fantastic,
his weight-gain was verging on drastic.
what made this so rummy?
the pants round his tummy
were lined with a band anelastic.
"
"a rink ringed by steep sloping seats
was the site of superlative feats.
the right winger's hat trick
was amphitheatric:
one goal, loud applause, two repeats.
"
"at midday a sandwich will do
for many lunch-munchers to chew.
but certain wordcrafters
indulge in some afters:
a sweetmeat they eat for course two.
"
"if you live in the water while young
then develop an air-breathing lung,
you're amphibiotic,
which ain't idiotic,
at least if it's frogs you're among.
"
"up on land's where the frog went a-courtin'
(molly mouse was the girl he was sportin'),
but their date she did break
when he jumped in the lake:
that amphibian sex sent her snortin'.
"
"an anglican chum of my mum's
is so clumsy, we say when he comes:
""it's the maladroit minister,
tr?s ambisinister.
left hand or right, he's all thumbs.""
"
"i'm eating my dinner: i slurp.
i'm done with my dinner: i burp.
my appetite's great.
nothing's left on my plate.
since you still have food: i usurp!
"
"""an aeronaut: that's my true calling,""
said the blimp driver as they were falling.
said his testy wife violet,
""you're only a pilot ?
at which, may i add, you're appalling!""
"
"one evening when venus was drinking
a muscular youth got her thinking:
""come hither, adonish!
you truly astonish!""
she slurred. ""let's partake in hijinking!""
"
"""yo mama's a ho!"" said jos?.
ray responded: ""for that you will pay!""
soon brothers and cousins
and friends by the dozens
broke out in a rowdy affray.
"
"aidoneus, a.k.a. hades,
i'm sure was a hit with the ladies.
this underworld god
would today pack a rod
and be seen in a stolen mercedes.
"
"if you feel three-dimensional grief,
it's my fervently fostered belief:
you need anaglyph glasses
to laugh with the masses
in low, yet in comic, relief.
"
"my pulse was alarmingly slack,
so i asked what had caused this attack.
am i hypoglycemic?
not quite?i'm anemic:
it's iron, not sugar, i lack.
"
"i felt all my willpower slide.
i went to the doctor, who cried:
""abulia, sir!
all my colleagues concur.
on the cause, though, we couldn't decide.""
"
"the clothes of today's adolescents
are cursed with nonstop obsolescence.
what fit well last week,
on a growing physique,
is now rendered too small by accrescense.
"
"a lamprey, before it's an eel,
is larval, with little appeal.
the ammocoete burrows
in undersea furrows
of sandbeds in search of a meal.
"
"the anchorite friar appeared
in our town, with a long straggly beard.
he'd foresworn misbehaving,
temptation, and shaving:
in need of a bath, but revered.
"
"by some, lawrence welk was ""a bore"" named;
by others, ""a man to adore"" named.
but he first became fabled
when earlier labeled
""a-one, and a-two, and aforenamed.""
"
"digesting a rump roast or two
or swallowing grilled bacon stew
for those who are acholous?
truly mirackelous!
bile makes it easy to do.
"
"simple phrases are sometimes, i fear,
a long distance from lucid, my dear:
such as ""they're mixing bowls""
or ""they're watering holes.""
amphibologies clearly aren't clear.
"
"the conceptual artist, a hack,
covered columns with plastic, all black:
""corinthian mylar.""
but they're amphistylar?
he missed all the ones at the back.
"
"one sprinter, tripped up, gave a howl
and three others just threw in the towel
when a mallard's loud quack
addled all on the track:
that's what happens when ducks run afoul.
"
"the astronaut never foresaw
the blast from the thing with a claw.
the damage was scary,
and admaxillary:
it fractured, severely, his jaw.
"
"a thermodynamically static
container is adiabatic.
with surface impassable
heat's not amassable;
can't say as much for my attic.
"
"adventists say signals portend
that they'll soon gather round and ascend.
so what i'd like to know
is, before they all go,
do they have any money to lend?
"
"the acton is soft cotton shirting,
in place to keep chainmail from hurting.
it's specially quilted
so jousters, when jilted,
avoid all that gushing and spurting.
"
"if studying causes you pain,
try oxygenating your brain.
aerobics each day
every ill will allay,
but the music might drive you insane.
"
"the aeriform companies' shares
rose high, then ran into some snares.
the feds gave an order
'gainst clicks without mortar,
and soon dot-com bulls became bears.
"
"the medical student lacked zest
on his aetiological test.
he proffered long pauses,
but not any causes,
which made his professor distressed.
"
"on advent some folk glorify
christ's birth with lit candles held high,
but those less devout,
if they're merchants, might shout:
""only twenty-eight days left to buy!""
"
"marie to the manor was born.
she frequently chose to adorn
herself with gold rings;
all her sumptuous things
often filled her detractors with scorn.
"
"their demeanor's no longer benign.
they've turned fractious, unruly?the swine!
for disorderly mobs,
i've acquired from my jobs
ways and miens to snap fools back in line.
"
"such a lewd, disangelical notion
to reveal in this place of devotion,
(and while kneeling in prayer!)
she has curled this priest's hair.
i'll withdraw for a dram of my potion.
"
"our daughter just fell off the roof.
she's a woman at last; there's your proof!
but if feminine bleeding,
this once, is misleading,
it'll demonstrate nature can goof.
"
"though i've cautioned you time and again,
you drank straight from the duck pond and then:
giardiasis, jack:
a beaver fever attack.
you'll be crapping till heaven knows when.
"
"though this recipe shows great potential,
some equilibration's essential.
this chef has his talents,
but spices want balance:
the fennel's far too influential.
"
"it's not decompensation, i hope,
but life's burdening bob: he can't cope.
a mere lapse in stability
or some mental fragility?
no?bob, we all know, is a dope.
"
"you would exile the lot? are you sure?
deracination is so harsh a cure.
they're among us for years;
why succumb to your fears?
(our sweet daughters are not all that pure.)
"
"is this visit to borrow some fire,
or to set, which would match my desire?
if it's briefly you're here,
i'll remain in good cheer,
be it flour or fire you'd acquire.
"
"in my jeans pocket rides my old flip?
what a slingshot! right size, solid grip.
i let fly at a crow,
and it's ""look out below!""
i'm complete with that flip on my hip.
"
"with the foot soldiers hitting the streets,
life's less taxing for office elites,
who avoid the mundane,
stay in out of the rain,
asses covered and counting receipts.
"
"they had language, yes, surely they spoke?
not attested, though?lost, up in smoke.
not described or inferred,
nor by visitors heard.
yet, how else could these folks share a joke?
"
"for our climate, these leaves are ideal,
as they're farinose: dusted with meal.
some may also bear bristles
(their plant bells and whistles).
as a look, though, it has its appeal.
"
"we're withdrawing; the purchase fell through.
there's a lien and huge tax bills are due.
till those loads came to light,
we were sold on the site.
the encumbrances darkened the view.
"
"you're bringing your cousin? that clown
is a dumbbell; he'll just weigh us down?
an encumbrance at best,
a notorious pest
who would scuttle our night on the town.
"
"the book's cocked, with its binding askew?
twisted spine, tlc overdue.
it stood leaning too long;
it was mine for a song,
and to stand on, it always comes through.
"
"""why a carpet page? where are the rugs?""
""sure beats me, sir,"" the auctioneer shrugs.
""but it's old, so who cares?
note the crosses and squares
on the parchment are damaged by bugs.""
"
"use elenchus, reveal his delusion;
take his points to their likely conclusion.
show his claims in perspective.
it's simple, effective:
proves the argument wants a transfusion.
"
"your libido requires overhauling?
then the fleshpots of  vegas are calling.
""bid your scruples farewell,""
they insist. they won't tell.
what a sales pitch: both frank and appalling!
"
"those fine names on her family tree
are all fabricated, false, don't you see?
that one, cholmondeley of crewe?
sounds patrician, it's true?
derby also-ran, seventy-three.
"
"it resembles a come-on, a ploy,
but to farmers there's much to enjoy?
start anew, reemerge
where great rivers converge?
little egypt in south illinois.
"
"a case of mistaken identity
promoted my airline serenity.
my ""john elton"" id
meant an upgrade for free:
the leg room was quite an amenity.
"
"alvin toffler, who wrote future shock,
called decisions arrived at ad hoc
(an arrangement that he
christened adhocracy)
more efficient than punching the clock.
"
"""our course on the bible now closes
with a quiz: who's the father of moses?""
""it's amram,"" i stated.
""it's clear they're related
because of their similar clotheses.""
"
"a rupee was worth sixteen annas,
weighing less than a couple sultanas.
'twas a pittance in pence,
maybe two or three cents,
but enough to buy thirty bananas.
"
"it doesn't take much erudition
to know that entree, in addition
to yes, i confess,
is a way to express
a meaning implied by admission.
"
"to the u.s., the african daisy
from cape town migrated like crazy.
on the west coast it stayed,
choosing not to invade
other regions; perhaps it was lazy.
"
"allegiance, my teachers allege,
requires reciting a pledge.
our loyalty oath
is something i'm loath
to utter; it's lacking in edge.
"
"the premise on which he was basing
his theory of timing and spacing?
though bound to befuddle,
his ""great cosmic cuddle""
was deemed, it would seem, all-embracing.
"
"auntie marge, when her temper is flickering,
has a penchant for boisterous bickering.
in a loud argy-bargy
with dear old aunt margie,
watch out if she catches you snickering!
"
"the punctilious pizza preparer
filled rival preparers with terror.
with skill apollonian,
all pepperonian
portions were sliced without error.
"
"i'm chagrined to confess that i flirted
in scotland, and even adverted
my eye toward his thigh
on the isle of skye:
but i thought him a lassie, plaid-skirted.
"
"at twelve, i hormonally crested
and androgen raged, unarrested.
my voice became low,
then i started to grow
a mustache, and became hairy-chested.
"
"pythagoras, rod and reel dangling,
couldn't keep all his tackle from tangling.
his plight he lamented,
until he invented
a theorem to simplify angling.
"
"in a basement apartment in crewe
sits a florist; the sun shimmers through.
in his areaway
is a merry array
of forget-me-nots, brilliantly blue.
"
"a scotsman named angus mcbane
walks around with a cloak and a cane.
when he's asked if he owns
nothing more, then he moans:
""nae, that's all that i hae that's me ain.""
"
"the maniacally moody magician,
beset with a bleak disposition,
is so ill-affectioned
he's sure to be sectioned
unless he can trick his physician.
"
"i knew, from its luminous shine,
that i'd found an amblygonite mine?
with a shiny white gleam
and a cleavable seam
full of lithium ore, sprinkled fine.
"
"white hair, and white eyelashes too!
when i saw her complexion, i knew?
she was cute, albinotic,
and oh, so exotic:
divinely translucent to view.
"
"amphistomous, the flatworm is blessed
with a mouth on each side.  i'd suggest
that for sucking on flesh,
either rotten or fresh,
this fluke renders flatworms the best.
"
"said columbus: ""the earth isn't flat!""?
which is true: who would argue with that?
but conclusions numerical
show it's aspherical:
rounded, but podgy and fat.
"
"rub my hide with your oils aromatic;
lave my limbs with your herbs asiatic.
anoint me, embalm me;
therapeutics should calm me.
my days are so damned operatic.
"
"to the distant horizons, the fleet
rode at anchor. he thought, ""this is neat:
half the navy's out there,
and our birds fill the air?
pearl's revenge?now japan's at our feet.""
"
"most creation tales should give us pause:
the reliance on god as first cause.
what, if  god was the start,
set that spark to his heart?
the prime mover conceit has its flaws.
"
"pennsylvania's well known for its ""dutch""
who are mostly not dutchmen as such.
local hildas and hermans
more likely are germans,
though tourists don't care? very much.
"
"did our jewishness not come across?
whether deep-fried or smothered in sauce,
they're crangonidae, shrimp.
we'd as soon dine on chimp.
this bar-mitzvah reception's a loss.
"
"raw sugar is brown, i'm afraid,
a flaw gone once the raw's bleached or clayed.
now with snow-white appeal,
it's still more or less real.
as a fussbudget, call me dismayed.
"
"on her lapis and gold-bedecked barge,
cleo moored, and her presence loomed large.
the imperial craft
voiced prestige fore and aft.
all knew egypt, the queen, was in charge.
"
"might the wee folk imbibe and make merry
('tis incurved, lilliputian and hairy)
at the lip of this growth?
i declare, 'pon my oath,
'tis a proper cup, apt for a fairy.
"
"feeling crawlings in spots you can't scratch?
there's a clawscrunt by ma's rhubarb patch,
where the kine turn for ease
from the cow-itch and fleas.
that's the stump where your need meets its match.
"
"this companion to finnegans wake
would decode the book?no piece of cake.
based on study of joyce:
his allusions, his voice,
it's lamentably also opaque.
"
"in picking up women, my tactic?
i promise adventures galactic.
we watch lost in space
when we're back at my place,
which they find to be anticlimactic.
"
"the cats in the mountains of italy
will skitter and dart very flittily.
this spirit derives
from their apennine lives?
and i love them, kaboodle and kittily.
"
"able abacists add using balls
with a deftness that simply enthralls.
their demeanor grows solemn
o'er the ones or tens column...
""the sum!"" then resounds through the halls.
"
"i offered an anodyne thought;
no offense was intended or sought.
but your nose out of joint meant
an anodyne ointment
now soothes the black eye that i caught.
"
"he thought wagering wasn't much fun
till the highest of stakes had begun.
""bet the house on the lotto""
became his new motto?
it summed up his life: all-or-none.
"
"the anglo-american's heading
to london right after his wedding.
on virgin he'll ride
with his tennessee bride;
his accent's not all he'll be shedding.
"
"the artful accountant was pliable;
his balances, unverifiable.
when auditors looked
at the books he had cooked,
he was found to be legally liable.
"
"my professor of english linguistics
is also adept at statistics.
this anglicist knows
all the numbers in rows,
and their fricative characteristics.
"
"impressed by the tint of the sky,
the chemist decided to try
to create the same hue
as that warm shade of blue
by concocting an aniline dye.
"
"your eau de cologne is the best?
its attractancy leaves 'em obsessed.
it's especially great
at seducing a mate
when you wear it while scantily dressed.
"
"with its twistings and turnings severe,
an anfractuous road causes fear
for a driver who's stuck
in a twenty-ton truck
with a wheel that refuses to steer.
"
"my dinner for two? a fiasco!
the lilies i picked (atamasco)?
all purple and white,
a most beautiful sight!?
were consumed by my date, with tabasco.
"
"the word aardvark is dutch for ""earth pig.""
most pigs, though, have noses less big.
so when seeking ants out,
it makes use of its snout.
doing elsewise would be infra dig.
"
"in alaska, a diner called plato's,
when laden with surplus potatoes
and mack'rels called atka,
created a latke:
the fish knish, served with tomatoes.
"
"the chapel was dingy and dismal;
the service, no less than abysmal.
the food, far from fine:
just some wafers with wine;
and the water they served was baptismal.
"
"a factor that's not sympathetic
to salt in your pee is poetic.
it regulates flow
and keeps blood pressure low:
it's called atrial natriuretic.
"
"the farmer (a sportsman, no doubt)
wouldn't ever go fishin' without
an atomic reactor
on top of his tractor?
he liked to go fission for trout.
"
"the athrocyte cell has a taste
for converting microbial waste
into granular bits.
the amoeba submits
such behavior is deeply debased.
"
"and like a good neighbor, they say,
religion will show you the way.
and apostate farm's promise
to doubt-laden thomas?
we'll cover his soul, should he stray.
"
"the harlot was quick to applaud
after sex with her trick; she was awed
by his prowess. poor chap?
he contracted the clap!
for his condom, quite clearly, was flawed.
"
"athabascan was spoken of old
by alaskans, or so i've been told.
later on they went forth,
having tired of the north,
to the desert, which wasn't so cold.
"
"most colas i cannot digest.
rc, diet coke, and the rest
result in apepsy;
at times, catalepsy.
""a pepsi?"" oh no! i protest!
"
"an extraterrestrial guest
came wandering in from the west.
with an almond-eyed gaze,
it appeared through the haze
and said: ""mulder, you're under arrest!""
"
"in the alps, all those sharp pointy peaks,
called aiguilles by a person who speaks
in a francophone tongue,
are so oft overhung
with long cables for t?l?ph?riques.
"
"the annuitant thought he was set:
seven thousand pounds down and he'd get
thirteen hundred a year
to retire in good cheer?
if he died the next day, though, he'd fret.
"
"she loves academe and agrees
that having a lot of degrees
is crucial for her;
her teachers concur,
but sadly, they lack expertise.
"
"an ill-mannered suitor named hunt
wooed a girl, but was overly blunt.
he asked her to shack up,
but that got her back up:
it took her aback, this affront.
"
"to patients, with temperature high,
said doctors, in days long gone by:
""the fevers that plague you
suggest that the ague
has visited you, i descry.""
"
"the word abernethy, i've heard,
means a biscuit, whose batter is stirred
up with caraway seeds.
but for my snacking needs,
a jelly-filled donut's preferred.
"
"amphibrachic accentual meter:
in limericks, none could be sweeter.
in frantic semantics'
trisyllable antics,
the first and the third are discreeter.
"
"a nice cup of tea is assuasive?
much more than a date who's abrasive,
who's tapping her toes
while she's picking her nose,
as you ponder maneuvers evasive.
"
"i fluttered right up to the skies,
and then i continued to rise.
my great elevations
earned flying ovations?
i won the ascensional prize.
"
"steve's next destination? new guinea,
an island where he got the skinny
about apostasia,
an orchid from asia:
three stamens, not one, made him grinny.
"
"don't urge me to do something drastic:
i'm not, you see, very elastic.
i'm moldy and stale;
don't mold me, you'll fail.
if you try, you'll see why: i'm aplastic.
"
"some arbiters like to amerce:
to punish with fines, if not worse.
lim'rick judges, sometimes,
chasten flaws in my rhymes
by demanding a whole 'nother verse.
"
"in a silvery-tinctured facade
on a shield or a piece for your cod,
i'd bet argent's at play;
even more so, i'd say,
with a moth-eaten zombie named rod.
"
"""i tried once before, and i blew it.""
that's a cynical way to construe it.
stop being a drip!
just rear back, let 'er rip,
and assert yourself! go ahead, do it!
"
"her rowing is sturdy and sleek,
an exemplar of perfect technique.
and as soon as she's through
with her oars, what she'll do
is position them upright, apeak.
"
"anti-federalist writers berated
the president's powers. they hated
the thought that he might
become king overnight,
so a fine bill of rights they created.
"
"far away by the caspian shore,
i adored all the fabrics i wore.
and my astrakhan shawl,
which i loved most of all,
came from lambs that i kept on the floor.
"
"with his twin brother zethus, amphion
was jupiter's shamed bastard scion.
with his mom at a distance,
a shepherd's assistance
was all that he had to rely on.
"
"his soldiers bore arms on the field;
his knights, an armigerous shield.
then his herald announced
that king harold got trounced:
""before william, we sadly must yield.""
"
"in bermuda the shorts are gigantic
and sunsets are often romantic.
the time zone they go by,
to ebb and to flow by,
in summer and winter? atlantic.
"
"a signature, stamps, and ""p.s.""
with some murderous threats, i would guess,
might all enter the mix
of the things i'd affix
to a letter sent under duress.
"
"to abuccinate, here's what you do:
assemble an army or two.
first a loud trumpet peal,
then a shout and a squeal:
it's how dictators make their debut.
"
"if your food-pipe is feeling constricted,
and you wonder with what you're afflicted,
it's time to face facts:
tell your sphincter ""relax!""
achalasia's how doctors depict it.
"
"an addax, patrolling the veldt,
spied a nubile young gnu, sleek and svelte.
""feeling horny?"" asked he.
""not for you!"" answered she.
his horns were too twisted, she felt.
"
"the word affluent means, ordinarily,
being wealthy, but not necessarily.
it's also a stream
that's not worth a centime.
it just flows all day long, tributarily.
"
"a protein biologists use
that's extracted from jellyfish ooze?
aequorin's its name,
and its one claim to fame
is that calcium gives it the blues.
"
"abeam's when the angles are right
and ship a has ship b in its sight.
too close, they're abreast,
but it tends to be best
for the vessels to pass in the night.
"
"inside, she was always complaining,
while smiling and otherwise feigning
sincere approbation:
a poor vindication
of years of assertiveness training.
"
"if you don't understand affectation,
let me give you a short illustration:
when the guy at the dump,
who must think that he's trump,
says his junk's in a primo location.
"
"when ahab, at sea in a gale,
alighted on moby, a whale,
he launched an attack
but the creature fought back;
with a splash, it arose to assail.
"
"expansion on front and back sides
by a fungus and lichen betides
a leaf, when they both
show amphigenous growth
which the leaf, ever patient, abides.
"
"his ducks are all sorted arow:
one after another they go.
assorted by facts
like loudness of quacks
and whether they swim fast or slow.
"
"""the meek"" and ""the red, white, and blue"":
these are adnouns, they are, through and through.
adjectival at heart,
they'll lip-synch the part
of a noun, sir, without much ado.
"
"a penguin in southernmost seas
where thinner-skinned seabirds would freeze
is called an adelie.
it plays ukulele
and swallows the fishies with ease.
"
"when dracula wrote his life story,
he told of romanian glory
and blandishments total
(although anecdotal);
the neck bit was needlessly gory.
"
"if an architrave fits round a door,
then an archivolt adds some decor
when your door has a curve.
so i hope you'll observe
that with both, you've got moldings galore.
"
"at the party the communist, fred,
despaired at the ladies, and said:
""although you are hot chicks,
you're just apparatchiks:
you'd rather be red than in bed!""
"
"so much can go on at an altar:
a psalm can be read from a psalter,
a lamb slain and bled,
or some wedding vows read.
all at once, and the preacher might falter.
"
"ancient greeks were aware they had sinned
against aeolus, god of the wind,
when the javelins they tossed
either ended up lost
or 'twixt ground and their garments got pinned.
"
"each communion, i kneel without fail
in front of the altar's wood rail.
at this gate i will tarry
one day, when i marry
my bride?once she comes in the mail.
"
"when andean goings get tough,
they eat rodents, among other stuff.
then the agile agouti,
a long-legged beauty,
runs fast, but can't run fast enough.
"
"unattributed sat down and wrote a
collection of verse. if you quote a
spare line that you took
from this poetry book,
please attribute it thus: adespota.
"
"attendance-wise i've been sporadical,
and my chemistry prof's on sabbatical.
in order to pass i'll
identify acyl:
a double-bond rco radical.
"
"a nutty old codger named alec
was prone to feel joy amygdalic.
all almonds he tasted,
baked, salted and pasted,
he loved [format that in italic].
"
"his wife all too painfully knew
he'd had mistresses?more than a few.
so last christmas she gave
to her consummate knave
a new aftershave, pepe le pew.
"
"'twas a basketball playoff exchange,
with behavior that bordered on strange
by a hawk in the post,
like a tree (more than most).
arborescent, he bit danny ainge.
"
"late at night, when the curtains were drawn,
mrs. frankenstein stifled a yawn.
""c'mon, frankie, let's do it!
there's nothing much to it?
just actuate me. turn me on!""
"
"my sweetheart since high school, named heather,
from birth, had her lips stuck together;
had an adhesiotomy,
first shouted ""aha!"" to me
then added: ""what's up with this weather?""
"
"the drunk couldn't stop at two sips; he
continued until he was tipsy.
although he is cursed
with insatiable thirst,
he can't be accused of adipsy.
"
"with this limerick i bid thee adieu
(so long, later on, toodle-oo).
if you want to sound french
on a paris park bench,
then be sure that your accent is true.
"
"""an overgrown seagull"" is one
of the most indisputably fun
combinations of words
for those albatross birds
found in coleridge's rime, which i shun.
"
"alternative medicine nixes
all pharmacological fixes.
a nice cup of tea
or a pin in your knee
will wean you from chemical mixes.
"
"like diseases, some stains are emergent.
once tiny, they soon become urgent?
like the spot on the stoop
where my cat likes to poop.
by and by, i'll apply an abstergent.
"
"i assumed i'd been given a scam beer,
but she told me, ""it isn't a sham, dear.""
i drank it, obtuse?
it was pure 'baccy juice,
which in dixie they speak of as ambeer.
"
"lord nelson undoubtedly made
the most waves in his french escapade.
but the admiralty
sent the navy to sea,
and ensured that his sailors got paid.
"
"the adverb's a versatile guy:
it modifies verbs, low and high,
and all adjectives too;
then it adds to the brew
words like also, how, when, where, and why.
"
"the adjutant relays commands
to soldiers in faraway lands.
if his way he should lose,
then there's always fox news
and geraldo's fine map in the sands.
"
"most trees have three layers, so learn 'em:
they're inner bark, hard wood, alburnum.
the sap from the third
(or at least so i've heard)
tends to stick to a tree hugger's sternum.
"
"the american foxhound does tricks
with some chicks on a clock that he licks.
if this dog sees a fox
in his socks, mr. knox,
sir, it knocks off the fox with some bricks.
"
"on top of the altar's a stone.
behind it, the priest starts to drone:
""bless this chalice and host,
in the name of the ghost . . .""
then rrring,  rrring goes a cellular phone.
"
"maundy thursday, the candle that glows
at the altar where wafers repose
sheds its light on the bread
that christ broke 'fore he bled
on good friday, then sunday arose.
"
"the cleric, with scroll and with quill,
inserted a long apostil:
a note in the margin
(a terribly large 'un)
because he had much time to kill.
"
"i'm sick of your arrogant attitude:
you never display any gratitude.
you yea and you nay
and demand your own way,
while i long, night and day, for some latitude.
"
"in honduras i knelt by a tree
when a cuckoo alighted by me.
seven inches in height,
it was black as the night:
on a knee, i could see an ani.
"
"the drug amphotericin b
is used to kill fungus, you see.
this antibiotic
is far from exotic?
it's seen late at night on tv.
"
"when a plant captures spores from the breeze,
it produces in me a disease.
though i'm sure it's a fine
an' a mahvellous pine,
anemophilous pines make me sneeze.
"
"the lone ranger spent summers abask
in the sun, leading tonto to ask,
""kemosabe: skin cancer?""
to which he did answer,
""don't worry?i'm wearing my mask!""
"
"a plant that's acarpous produces
no lemons or limes for my juices.
i'd ask it to bear
a banana or pear,
but it's fruitless. excuses, excuses!
"
"the agami's found in brazil:
it's red, with a long yellow bill.
this species of heron
they say is a rare'un.
for birders, to spot it's a thrill.
"
"an afflux of blood to the head
filled olden-day doctors with dread.
what we'd call a tumor,
they'd call too much humor
and solemnly order you bled.
"
"acroteria: head, hands, or feet,
also ornaments made of concrete.
once they made buildings frilly,
which now would be silly:
that meaning today's obsolete.
"
"accuracy's always a virtue.
of this, i would like to alert you.
always mind q's and p's,
dot your i's, cross your t's,
and your teacher will not controvert you.
"
"for symmetrical placement you can't
beat an adversifoliate plant.
with every stem bearing
a side-by-side pairing
of leaves, it's unlikely to slant.
"
"when cartilage is causing you pain
between bones at your joints, then it's plain
(or at least i've a notion)
your limited motion
is amphiarthrosis again.
"
"a sailor, astern in the craft,
was ordered to take himself aft.
he responded with laughter:
""if i got any after
i'd float in your wake on a raft!""
"
"""those orchestras called philharmonic
and airplanes with speeds supersonic
first appeared... let me see...
back in 60 bc?""
not quite?just a tad anachronic.
"
"do your dry-as-dust fingers defeat you?
did that body shop saleswoman cheat you?
if your skin makes you dither,
put amandine thither?
though if you're a swordfish, they'll eat you!
"
"the tennis pro played with a sore hand
which soon started hurting some more, and
he thereby desisted
(his trainer insisted)
from swatting in practice aforehand.
"
"the gourmet, blessed with taste unsurpassed,
emerged from the diner aghast.
his look of revulsion
came from the emulsion
of grease dripping from his repast.
"
"all sailors enjoy, as you know,
sea shanties, spiced rum, and ""land ho!""
but they take most delight
near the start of a night,
in a sunset's bright red afterglow.
"
"you should always be sure to accredit
a statement when someone else said it.
provide information
re: its publication,
to give the appearance you've read it.
"
"there once was an aardwolf from guelph
who answered, sometimes, to ""aardwuelph.""
""it strikes me as foul,""
he said with a scowl,
""eight aardvarks; just three for myself!""
"
"did you know that the greeks coined a word
for reductions that reach the absurd?
when you're done being logical
be apagogical!
impossible not to, i've heard.
"
"with antonomasia, your fame
(through a byword) replaces your name:
hence chaplin ""the tramp,""
theda bara ""the vamp,""
and sinatra ""old blue eyes"" became.
"
"antecedence: occurring before.
fall asleep in relation to snore
and success to ovations
are two illustrations.
see chicken and egg for some more.
"
"st. nick, though inclined to be jolly,
will swear at the fruits of his folly:
the pricks he receives
from apiculate leaves
when he's decking the halls with his holly.
"
"i'll tell you the names of some agas
who feature in pakistan's sagas:
muhammad, karim,
ali shah. it would seem
that none had a liking for haggis.
"
"this eden, this sun-silvered glade,
this fortress which nature has made,
this stone-studded seat,
where first words repeat:
anaphora, herein displayed.
"
"when finishing up at the chapel,
michaelangelo surely did grapple
with one last detail,
without which he'd fail:
pertaining to eve and the apple.
"
"when carrying logs for a fire,
take care not to stack them much higher
than one modest armful.
much more would be harmful,
resulting in injuries dire.
"
"with two nostrils just under its snout,
the shark's a keen smeller, no doubt.
from cape town to china,
call sharks amphirhina,
proficient at sniffing you out.
"
"the shepherd to silence was sworn,
his welcome completely outworn
by constantly going
around, always blowing
a seventeen-foot alpenhorn.
"
"i'd like to ""aluminate"" you.
to do so, some cobalt will do.
with alumina mix it,
and then i'll transfix it:
enlightened? not quite, but you're blue!
"
"the ship, decked with crossbones and skull,
struck a storm; called the mate: ""lie ahull!""
soon its mainsails were furled,
but instead, no wind swirled:
'round the helm, lashed alee, was a lull.
"
"a tea-kettle's whistle i deem
quite sufficient for measuring steam.
some others, meanwhile
use an aeolipyle
if their taste for precision's extreme.
"
"the ex-zealot, once mad as a hatter,
despised evangelical chatter.
when asked ""what's the story?""
shrugged: ""adiaphory ?
i'm mindful that it doesn't matter.""
"
"bad writers commit adumbration
when in their first chapter they station
nights stormy and dark
or a bold question mark
to pre-empt their narration's stagnation.
"
"paul bunyan's young stepbrother russell
was lacking in paul's famous muscle.
all russ could uproot
was a shrub most minute:
a dwarf tree, i.e., an arbuscle.
"
"a visiting vicar named kenny
liked mountains; he asked, ""have you any?""
the monmouthshire deacons
said, ""brecon's tall beacons
abound here in abergavenny.""
"
"the antistrophe, bellowed before us,
resounds in response to a chorus.
	if you're really a geek,
	you'll know that it's greek?
such pedantry's likely to bore us.
"
"sir christopher codrington came
to antigua, with sugar his aim,
using slaves in pursuit
of this ill-gotten loot.
his successors shed slavery's shame.
"
"soon after their master ascended,
to their creed the apostles attended.
the three-in-one matter
was first on their platter;
with ""life everlasting"" it ended.
"
"every wave that goes up must come down
and describing its height is a noun:
the amplitude speaks
of the top voltage peaks
from con ed when it powers your town.
"
"""i love philadephia so,
with its mediterranean glow,""
said the roman jordanian
(not pennsylvanian).
today, it's amman; then, amo.
"
"whether surname or middle or first,
try spelling this name, and you're cursed.
there's allen and alan
and allin and allan;
alain, en fran?ais, is the worst!
"
"prince albert, a german-born man,
was victoria's number-one fan.
he died in his prime,
now he spends all his time
with tobacco, locked up in a can.
"
"in the house where the tenant had roomed
is the arsenate he had consumed.
since the tenant had reasoned
his food had been seasoned
with salt, now the tenant is doomed.
"
"if a breeder of dogs harbors wishes
for dogs that can swim and fetch fishes?
a spaniel that oughter?
american water.
it doesn't, however, do dishes.
"
"the abettor was someone who stood
looking out for his friend from the 'hood.
for assisting a crime,
he's today doing time.
some samaritans aren't so good.
"
"to his pal, while he stifled a yawn,
standing vigil one cold easter dawn,
kostas said: ""can you flip me a
cig? this agrypnia
bores me; i'll pray, then i'm gone!""
"
"the dashing biologist brian,
while snorkeling reefs uruguayan,
found a damsel fish, bess,
who was deep in distress:
'twas a red-and-black striped amphiprion.
"
"some beans that agronomists love
bear their fruit underground, and above.
amphicarpous legumes
spread some seeds with their blooms,
keeping others secure in a glove.
"
"an apophthegm's pithy and terse.
it's a maxim, for better or worse.
from the greek for ""speak out,""
it resembles, no doubt,
many limericks?minus the verse.
"
"in ancientry people were colder;
to twenty they lived, seldom older.
they anciently huddled,
but some of them cuddled
in caves, giving friends a warm shoulder.
"
"the aterian flint-headed spear
caused algerian fauna to fear.
with its notch-ended dart,
it was state-of-the-art
for the stone age?it blazed a frontier.
"
"the debate gave ideas an airing,
but the candidates' manner and bearing
and their form of address
mattered more to the press,
not to mention the clothes they were wearing.
"
"through his aerophone, dexter declared,
""please excuse me!!! i'm hearing-impaired!!!""
then his girlfriend, a strumpet,
said, ""dearie, your trumpet
belongs in your ear?you have erred.""
"
"actinic behavior is seen
when the sun does its daily routine.
if your hair starts to bleach
or you peel at the beach,
it's just sol up there, venting his spleen.
"
"besiegers extracting surrenders
from fortified fortress defenders
would aim at the sky
with their arbalests nigh:
steel bows with mechanical benders.
"
"a glutton, to gobble with ease,
will overindulge by degrees.
among his devices:
eat 64 slices
of processed american cheese.
"
"an act is a formal decision
not often renowned for concision.
its wearisome reading
is fruitful for pleading
despite its pedantic precision.
"
"the garrulous octogenarian,
a cheerfully chatty contrarian,
in final footnotage
to his anecdotage
regaled all the guests at his buryin'.
"
"a never-wed wannabe dad
adopted a likeable lad.
his adoptee now jokes,
""he bent backwards to coax
me to live in his bachelor pad.""
"
"a throbbing of pain in your head
recalls your consumption of red.
while you're still seeing double,
your brats, all abubble,
squeal, ""come on, dad! get out of bed!""
"
"i want to amend this short rhyme,
which isn't, they tell me, sublime.
but i've places to go,
and i've people to know.
revise it? i haven't the time.
"
"i confess to a strange peccadillo?
i sleep with a pet armadillo.
he looks slightly scruffy,
he's not even fluffy,
but he eats all the ants on my pillow.
"
"around me, a playing card swirled,
a frolicksome grin then unfurled.
it's an alice-in-wonderland,
life-rent-asunder and
topsyish-turvyish world!
"
"the junta's designs to rule quito
fell prey to the tiniest veto.
its leader's sad plight?
a malarial bite
by anopheles, killer mosquito.
"
"the aardvark that ate cincinnati
expanded so boundlessly that he
unfastened his pants
and decided that ants,
though less tasty, were also less fatty.
"
"the handicapped man told his story?
indeed, it was revelatory.
he'd lost both his legs
and, allergic to pegs,
had forsworn being ambulatory.
"
"our previous stimuli weave
subtle patterns of thought that achieve
the conditions whereat
we can recognize that
which we see, a.k.a. apperceive.
"
"""please bury my brother,"" she cried.
when antigone's plea was denied
she took her own life,
which resulted in strife,
and the death toll refused to subside.
"
"with our balance of trade sorely slumping,
the protectionist candidate's stumping:
""to make a clean sweep
of goods nasty and cheap,
let's enact a new tax: antidumping!""
"
"in leeds, where i first saw the who,
they were shakin' all over?it's true!
all their songs were so pulsant,
an anticonvulsant
was surely a tad overdue.
"
"to stimulate germ execution,
the pope promised full absolution
to those who had showered
and constantly scoured:
though sinful, they'd mastered ablution.
"
"san francisco's where george left his heart,
his love having torn it apart.
in time, his aorta
(the left part?well, sorta)
decided to make a new start.
"
"an unemployed tailor named walter
found nothing to sew, not a halter,
a shirt or a blouse.
now in the poorhouse,
he's hoping his fortunes to alter.
"
"with visions of blissful romance,
i asked if she wanted to dance,
but her cool sidelong glance
that was archly askance
made it plain that i hadn't a chance.
"
"the summer applies to july,
and sweet sorrow applies to good-bye,
but i wonder if you
know a sentence or two
i could use that applies to apply?
"
"without any scolding or chiding,
my ardor for you is abiding.
with you shall i stick
through both skinny and thick
(though my back might engage in some sliding).
"
"""life's short, so be long in your learning,""
hippocrates cautions concerning
the medical arts:
so ""ars longa,"" he starts,
""vita brevis""?for optimal earning.
"
"when gladstone and russell suggested
extending the vote, some protested.
adullamites tabled
reform, but enabled
disraeli's reforms, unmolested.
"
"the dolphin performed with agility,
then whistled and clicked with civility.
he vaulted with flair
and caught fish in mid-air,
but the fish viewed his tricks with hostility.
"
"you respond with a wearisome rant,
and your eyebrows all furrowed, aslant.
though i've tried once or twice
to pretend being nice,
still you greet me with glances askant.
"
"outmoded, outdated, and hated,
repeal of our blue laws is fated.
in iron we'd cast 'em,
but customs flew past 'em.
a toast! they'll be soon abrogated.
"
"an addled-brained lad from key largo,
desiring to transport some cargo,
arranged an affreightment
but made a misstatement.
the consequence? total embargo.
"
"when mac was caught wooing ms. horshack,
her husband attacked him with force. mac
leapt over the table,
sped out to the stable,
and speedily rode out ahorseback.
"
"at amazon everything's salable,
and all that they sell me is mailable.
but what i need most
to arrive in the post
by next monday is never available.
"
"in nigeria, ""get off my shoe!""
doesn't do in a job interview
with a yoruba who
is much bigger than you:
you must translate this into aku.
"
"veronica, jughead, and betty
were flying, and eating spaghetti,
when enemy fire
made archie perspire:
an archie had rendered him sweaty.
"
"a tar once accounted the tale
of his living inside of a whale.
  ""that's malarkey,"" i cried,
  ""you should surely have died!
in a whale, without fail, there's no ale!""
"
"the practical joker named peter,
a dyed-in-the-linen short-sheeter,
decided instead
of an apple-pie bed
that a lemon meringue would be sweeter.
"
"wearing aprons while cooking is swell:
ask a crab, and a turkey as well.
on a turkey it's skin
that keeps stuffing within;
on a crab it's a part of the shell.
"
"my priceless art, all asiatic,
makes my mantel look simply dramatic.
it's all oriental?
some bought and some rental.
i'm a true ornamental fanatic.
"
"when out fishing with dad and his sister,
i fasten my bait with a twister.
it's black with big wings;
when i fling it, it zings.
then my aunt flies: an ant fly just missed her.
"
"two staves, with clefs treble and bass,
when conjoined with a bracket or brace,
have an accolade keeping
the bass clef from creeping
and troublesome trebles in place.
"
"a disease that makes women morose is
the malady adenomyosis.
with pain that's benumbing,
cysts clog up their plumbing?
it's truly a sad diagnosis.
"
"the goldsmiths, mcbain & mcbell,
think that aurifex sounds rather swell.
with their business cards altered,
their business has faltered
since no one can tell what they sell.
"
"an isle where the wind blows in gales,
with its farms full of hay packed in bales,
and its maids roly poly
and head very holy,
is anglesey, ""mother of wales.""
"
"when folks are quite faddish and chic,
they view yesterday's fashions with pique.
but some others are happy
with things their grandpappy
enjoyed: they prefer what's antique.
"
"anemometers measure the wind.
those who own them should feel quite chagrined
if a hurricane strikes
and they're out on their bikes:
they'd deserve any knees that get skinned.
"
"louisa may alcott befriended
thoreau, and her children's books blended
her life with her sisters
and little-ish misters;
her women sold more than her men did.
"
"i've been reading persuasion for hours,
not neglecting its sweet garden flowers.
sensibility? sense?
i present my defense:
i've submitted to jane austen's powers.
"
"i submit that i'm courage-impaired,
pusillanimous, timid, and scared.
there's an obsolete phrase
for my cowardly ways,
so say ""arrgh!"" when my arghness is aired.
"
"the argala or adjutant-bird?
for its diet, dead fish are preferred.
it's an indian stork
that's as big as new york!
(no? well, maybe i'm off by a third.)
"
"""it's better to give than to get"":
words of jesus, i'm willing to bet.
but wouldn't you know it?
the gospels don't show it.
they're part of the agrapha set.
"
"oaxaca's where steve hoped to see
the ancient ahuehuete tree
that was where montezuma
once saw, i assume, a
fat cypress that filled him with glee.
"
"i watched her, entranced and agaze.
i followed her 'round in a daze.
then finally she
took a long look at me.
""your hair, sir,"" she said, ""is ablaze!""
"
"fish and chips, many britons exalt
doused with vinegar made out of malt.
but a chemist would class it
acetic, an acid,
with sodium chloride, a salt.
"
"my doctor is very ambagious;
one time the result was outrageous.
he endlessly rambled?
his words, sorely scrambled,
beclouded the gist: ""it's contagious.""
"
"ametropic means near- or farsighted;
at times, astigmatically blighted:
your vision's all blurry.
but please, don't you worry!
with glasses, these wrongs can be righted.
"
"said the sultan who spilled his sangria,
""to tidy this, here's my idea.
no trouble at all!
i'll undo my agal,
and i'll soak it up with my kaffiyeh.""
"
"a sack merchant, very astute,
when he stepped through a sheet with his boot,
took some sackcloth and linen
with needle and pin in,
and said, ""to this spread, i'll adjute.""
"
"from russia, they wandered away;
in alaska, decided to stay.
the intrepid aleuts
in their watertight boots
settled down on an island array.
"
"i take 'em all on, tall or short,
and they sprawl by the wall, all athwart.
if i live by this code
they'll explode my abode?
but i'll fight to the death, alamort.
"
"though my cousin, young bertrand mcbean,
at lacrosse is a scoring machine,
this all-star attackman
prefers playing pacman?
his coach thinks that this is obscene!
"
"say dispensers of cod-liver oil
when their cod-fearing children recoil:
""don't be such a critic!
it's antirachitic?
'gainst rickets, the number-one foil!""
"
"a stylish young lady named carol
commenced walking 'round in a barrel.
soon followed the fashion
to stroll with a passion
down main street in wooden apparel.
"
"meg's back has a middle-sized patch
that she's wholly unable to scratch.
it's called her acnestis:
if itchy, what's best is
to rub on the furniture?natch.
"
"1 and 2, 3 and 4, 5 and 6,
and 7, 8, 9?take your picks:
they're all that we've got
(which adds up to a lot)
in the arabic numeral mix.
"
"the agarose polymer may
come in handy to scan dna.
it's great at perusing
large molecules, using
electrophoresis, i'd say.
"
"a coal-mining kiwi named dickie
found ambrite, a paste, very sticky.
as dickie did clamber
for fossilized amber,
its resin stuck fast to his picky.
"
"all the mayors in spanish domains,
in the mountainous chains and on plains:
alcalde's their title,
their jobs are quite vital.
once moorish, the name still remains.
"
"a pine needle needled a cone
in a ""hey-deedle-deedle""-ish tone.
this acerose nettling
the cone found unsettling
and sighed a lugubrious groan.
"
"consider the tiny arcella:
a semi-transparent old fellah.
with his tough outer skin
he's amoebic within,
and he looks like a little umbrella.
"
"lucinda looks up at me coyly,
then down at her fine linen doily,
arrasene on her spool
in a kerosene pool
(her embroidery's bright, but it's oily).
"
"aristotle's best students would feast
as each word from his mouth was released.
this style, acroatic,
was undemocratic.
today we've loeb classics, at least.
"
"i took cider (hard) out to the larder,
and froze it until it got harder;
drained it into a jug
and poured out a mug.
my applejack filled me with ardor.
"
"try britney's asparagus, steamed;
it's delectable when it's been creamed
with oil and flour:
you'll want to devour
her spears more than ever you'd dreamed.
"
"who to vote for? i couldn't decide,
since both of the candidates lied.
i sobbed and i wept,
and then finally i slept
on the fence, with my legs still astride.
"
"i'll shoot down a varmint and skin it,
i'll cut out the innards within it.
your gun-control law
is so gol' darn bourgeois:
it sticks in my craw?i'm agin it.
"
"my howitzers, rifles and uzis
at bullet-barraging are doozies.
my armory's where
you can pick up a spare,
but i'd rather be selling jacuzzis.
"
"the american saddlebred horse
is a horsey, of coursey, of course.
its slow-gaited pacing
ain't suited for racing,
for which it shows little remorse.
"
"its wiggly bright fronds standing straight,
the anglerfish, sly, lies in wait.
this method enables
a turning of tables:
a fish using worms as its bait.
"
"in state v. banana, i feel,
the decision was far from ideal.
the judge called a trip
what was really a slip.
i hope it's reversed on appeal.
"
"she's the goodiest two-shoes extant.
have a drink or a smoke? no, she shan't.
she strings me along
with her adamant song,
and all 'cause my haircut's aslant.
"
"submerged in the lake was my honda,
then crushed by a large anaconda.
he swallowed my car
and grew larger by far.
he combatted his fat with jane fonda.
"
"as a botanist, steve came to grips
with the millions of plants without lips
with acheilous, you know
(vowels all in a row!):
it's a word that he takes on his trips.
"
"mother goose draped the walls of her terrace
with a tapestry known as an arras
which, woven in flanders,
depicted nine ganders
unsteadily weaving through paris.
"
"before the spaghetti appears,
please enjoy some asparagus spears
and an artichoke heart
with some eggplant, to start.
antipasti: they're food pioneers.
"
"the sporemonger heartily yells
on the hill where the liverwort dwells:
""in her fungus premier,
archesporium's here!
she's the mother of spore mother cells!""
"
"i'm dating a charming young lad
who is always most dashingly clad.
when my debonair fellow
wore suits pinkish-yellow,
he started an apricot fad.
"
"this morning alcoa's top men
were inspecting the factory, when
one got caught in the plater,
and five minutes later
cried, ""curses, i'm foiled once again!""
"
"if you happen upon moldy nuts,
best eschew them, no ifs, ands, or buts!
their foul aflatoxin
will spread like a pox in
your liver, destroying your guts.
"
"though afraid means so scared you can't function,
it also refers to compunction.
no terror's conveyed
when i say, ""i'm afraid
that i should've turned left at that junction.""
"
"today's anthropologist traces
""indigenous"" customs and places.
before, agriology
(sans an apology)
studied ""uncivilized"" races.
"
"the inspector's charisma is cresting,
his men are agreed in attesting.
he brooks no dissension;
commands their attention.
this officer sure is arresting.
"
"the plumber examined my pipe,
then suddenly let out a yipe.
""i can't ascertain
what's wrong with your drain?
apart from this nest full of snipe.""
"
"old sledge, seven up, and all-fours
are all names for a game played indoors.
if your card's low or high
you're a lucky-ish guy;
get the jack, and a victory's yours.
"
"his passion for orchids now over,
but still a committed plant-rover,
steve found the agave,
with spikes havey-cavey
but tasty; a cousin of clover.
"
"amygdaloid, some people say,
lends to almonds a certain cachet.
without that precision
their shapes face derision
in a state of complete disarray.
"
"the apiary's where they flung us:
soon hornets and bees buzzed among us.
we swatted, of course,
but with little remorse,
they just stung us and stung us and stung us.
"
"arboretums are surely to please.
they're gardens devoted to trees.
you'll be glad that you stayed
in a sun-dappled glade ?
unless you're allergic and sneeze.
"
"""i'll transfer your land, for a fee,""
said the property lawyer to me.
""but it's totally vital
to hand me the title
to give to the new assignee.""
"
"up high on the dry altiplano
there was nothing to nibble but guano,
which wasn't much fun
in the andean sun,
but was better with shredded romano.
"
"with chris getting long in the tooth,
his anxiety heightened, forsooth!
to live until zed,
he saw up ahead:
a limerick fountain of youth!
"
"even though, notwithstanding, albeit
are phrases for when you decree it
is not quite the case,
when you say of a face,
""it's divine,"" but it pains you to see it.
"
"amoebae don't know about sex.
they've nary a muscle to flex.
they've only one cell
(which they think is just swell).
going fission requires no pecs.
"
"when masculine joins femininity
(mainly coupled, but sometimes a trinity),
and when chemicals bind,
what's the word you will find?
the answer, of course, is affinity.
"
"their trains ran on time, this we knew;
but the fascists built motorways, too.
'fore milan's autostrada,
italians had nada.
by fiat, benito came through.
"
"this limerick writing's sensational!
it's truly, i'd say, inspirational!
i'd do it all day,
but it never would pay?
i'm afraid that it's just avocational.
"
"a canadian sailor named smoot
found a word that he thought was a hoot.
it meant near or around
or concerning; he'd found
how to say it, as well: it's about.
"
"cries omphale, ""go clean off the table!
i know good and well that you're able!""
one look at the dishes
and hercules wishes
he'd passed on augeas's stable.
"
"""to avalon arthur's proceeding
with injuries, mortally bleeding.""
so closes le morte
(a misleading report,
but it makes for magnificent reading).
"
"when your inquiries run in a line
or your street's of a spacious design,
what you have is an avenue.
(there, now i have a new
word that i needn't define.)
"
"in a pound, count the ounces you eat;
in an ounce, count the drams that you meet.
just imagine the joys
using avoirdupois
if it's sixteen you're after ? it's sweet!
"
"captain nemo, with some of his friends,
down to two thousand fathoms descends.
he promises, ""this'll
be truly abyssal.""
returning, he'll suffer the bends.
"
"amoebiasis sounds so contrary:
it's when you contract dysentery.
amoebae go nuts
way down deep in your guts
and you fear that they'll stay and make merry.
"
"the aristarch brooked not a snag;
at each typo, he'd hoist a red flag.
his critical shrewdness
struck others as rudeness:
his slagging, they thought, was a drag.
"
"long before epicurus professed,
""live for now; let your lust be the test,""
aristippus made pleasure
his primary measure,
expressing the blessings of zest.
"
"for a hundred and thirty-two years
other yachtsmen were grinding their gears,
then at last, time was up
for america's cup,
and the aussies responded with cheers.
"
"a ward of the state as a tot,
then a government pension he got.
when his last breath he draws,
alimentary laws
will provide for his burial plot.
"
"a maiden in wales wished to wed,
and the thought filled her father with dread:
for the amobyr loomed
and this tax, he assumed,
would betoken privation ahead.
"
"the aficionado will shout
that his fondness for fish is devout.
for myself, i just wish he
would stop! ain't it fishy,
this ardent obsession with trout?
"
"venezuelans, and not japanese,
see above, in the branches of trees,
araguatos a-prowling
and ceaselessly howling:
no monkey's as noisy as these.
"
"arakan for millennia thrived,
then the mughals with muskets arrived;
and with chittagong gone
it just couldn't hold on,
but its buddhist pagodas survived.
"
"the baby reached out for some more,
but his mommy said, ""kid, here's the score:
agalactous, my teats
have no milk. for your eats
try this formula, fresh from the store.""
"
"his graphing ability's lax; he's
all tangled in minis and maxis.
the curves are awry
between x, z, and y:
he's convinced of the evil of axes.
"
"again-sayers never repeat
what another guy utters. they greet
each assertion with sneering
and bellicose jeering:
disdainful complaining's their beat.
"
"aymara ruled the andean plain,
but succumbed to the incas, then spain.
they remain in peru
(where they made their debut)
and bolivia, once their domain.
"
"to swim in the sea with a man
who isn't her husband; to fan
the flames of her passion
with painting and fashion:
awakening starts with chopin.
"
"when some boys bought my bossies, it cost 'em.
my peewees and agates? i tossed 'em.
my alleys, i've found
(alabaster, and round);
but the rest of my marbles? i lost 'em.
"
"so skinny and fat-as-a-sow
have agreed to amalgamate now.
for fat's share of beef stock,
lank traded its leaf stalk;
they milked all the cash from the cow.
"
"on a stem, where the foliage grows,
is the axil, my gardener knows.
it doesn't sing songs
for the metalhead throngs;
it's an angle where roses repose.
"
"a devonshire chemist named scruggs
carries carpets along with his drugs.
with their fake-turkish piles
in all colours and styles,
i shall ax for his axminster rugs.
"
"steve's botany lecture was yawnless.
we learned that some grasses are awnless,
like brome (but not thistles):
they lack any bristles.
i'd check, but my garden is lawnless.
"
"a belle with a buxom behind
and with manners sublimely refined,
will stifle a bristle
when gentlemen whistle,
and answer, ""you're awfully kind!""
"
"the aitchbone's a cut of a steak
that's great with some fries and a shake.
the ""aitch"" ain't for ""hearty""
or ""hey, folks, let's party""?
it's shaped like an ""h,"" for god's sake!
"
"bloviation poured out of his spout,
so i took my anemograph out
and i measured the speed
of his hot airy screed:
twenty bromides a minute, about.
"
"an actor who's hard to replace
performs with decorum and grace.
he expresses devotion
with heartfelt emotion
and wears an aspectabund face.
"
"though they're small from their heads to their tails,
the alburn (a fish) never fails
to amaze us with making
white pearls, but it's faking:
they come from its silvery scales.
"
"an ascetic is someone who tightens
his belt; but not so with ascitans.
they dance in a hearty
heretical party,
since wine, they imagine, enlightens.
"
"an epic impresses with vastness,
and action films thrill us with fastness.
but horror of horrors!
throw-up-on-the-floorers
fill film-going hordes with aghastness.
"
"the coiner confessed to the thief,
""all my counterfeits filled me with grief.
then i found some machines
that strike pictures of queens:
anaglyptographs?what a relief!""
"
"since i'm feeling, today, pedagogical,
i'll teach you the word allobrogical.
it means calvinist, from
allobroges, who'd come
long before to geneva: how logical!
"
"to polish your limerick's flow,
your editor wants you to know
that an audio workout
will iron that quirk out.
ear-obics: the best way to go!
"
"when observing the fourth of july,
uncle sam ate a warm apple pie.
he proceeded to blurt,
""it's a british dessert!""
miss american pie's gonna cry.
"
"i rashly attempted to trammel
a beastly arabian camel.
i jumped on its hump,
and got dumped on my rump?
only chumps try to mount such a mammal!
"
"in his billowy bevy, a host
abhors any boos by a ghost,
be it bossy, an ox,
or an abbess (a fox!).
alphabetical effort? almost.
"
"while ayring his acres near ayr,
the farmer (a scotsman) took care
to finish by dark,
and then, on a lark,
he ayred to the square on his mare.
"
"the letters you see on your screens
are encoded by standard routines.
using ascii, some nerds
can turn bits into words:
they build characters using machines.
"
"the arnica's daisy-like flowers
possess many curative powers.
a person who uses
this herb for her bruises
feels better within a few hours.
"
"anatolian languages spread
when cuneiform tablets were read.
there was hittite-palaic
(but not aramaic)
and other ones, equally dead.
"
"as a poet, i've now reached my acme.
and if versemongers scruple to back me
in my claim to be best
i have just one request:
since i've no other skills, please don't sack me!
"
"fear not! here goes nothing, say i.
ask not, await not my reply.
it's not a catastrophe,
it's only anastrophe:
syntactically, slightly awry.
"
"to prognosticate, wood-cutting souls
would take hatchets, and heat them on coals.
like divining from tea,
axinomancy
told the future. (today, we use polls.)
"
"adoring elaine was his curse,
for her avarice couldn't be worse.
he should never have joined her?
she's sure to amoinder
what's left of the coin in his purse.
"
"every paleontologist knows
that the temperature suddenly rose
in the aptian time?
the iguanodons' prime
and the sauropods' vanishing throes.
"
"to windhoek, the farmers bring maize,
and the co-op they bring it to pays.
with their agsterskot paid,
all the boers have it made,
'til another year's harvesting days.
"
"electricity frequently flowed
in faraday's humble abode.
he measured its force,
but also, of course,
he sang of its charms in anode.
"
"if the bill-paying baltimore oriole
(personality: somewhat censorial)
thinks a team in dc
should be countered, you see,
he may bray in a paid advertorial.
"
"a connecticut yankee named hackett
with epaulets pinned to his jacket
sees knights wearing plates
on their shoulders, and states,
""those are ailettes you've got?what's your racket?""
"
"the circular saw, i have found,
has uses that truly abound.
it cuts timbers with tangles
and miters at angles?
i'd say, as a tool, it's all-round.
"
"an emmanuel student, darius,
disported an aulary bias.
all things apropos
of his hall made him glow:
his devotion to emma was pious.
"
"my cat, in the summer, was parched,
so across to his saucer he marched.
but my dog (what a nerve!)
got there first?what a curve
on the back of my cat as he arched!
"
"the clerk, though inclined to be affable,
lost patience, presented with laughable
instructions to wire
the romans in tyre.
he cried, ""but they're untelegraphable!""
"
"""my students,"" moaned steve, ""aren't attentive.
i need to provide an incentive.""
so he gave them some seed
from a naturalized weed.
""marijuana,"" he said, ""is adventive!""
"
"i demand a complete explanation
for my portraitist's odd innovation:
i look like a ewe!
though i'm sheepish, it's true,
i won't stand for this agnification!
"
"an aristo named bartleby bourne
returned from his holdings, forlorn.
his estate, once a grand
aristiferous land,
now produced not a smidgen of corn.
"
"a viper, asleep on the shore,
met a mongoose he'd battled before.
his attacks were all thwarted
once more, and he snorted
with aspish aspersions galore.
"
"my american staffordshire terrier,
like a pit bull (but just a bit hairier),
failed obedience class 'n
rejoices to fasten
his jaws to my post office carrier.
"
"atlantis sank under the sea,
but i've just staked a claim by decree.
with delusions of grand-
eur, i've annexed that land:
to discover it, pay me a fee.
"
"""all is well!""?so the optimists cry,
which the pessimists say is a lie,
while the agathists state
there's a happier fate
that we'll happen upon, by and by.
"
"aproctous, the jellyfish whined:
""by the mollusk i'm often maligned.
it's hardly so heinous,
my lack of an anus?
perhaps i should sting his behind.""
"
"i gave her a trinitron sony, a
vacation for two in ionia,
and heaped her with treasure,
but nothing brought pleasure.
of fun, she had none: anhedonia.
"
"while a melody played all alone
might be nice on a flute or trombone,
an accompaniment
(where assistance is lent
by some harmonies) makes it well known!
"
"akeratophorous ruminants lack
any antlers arrayed in a rack.
so the bactrian camel,
a practical mammal,
makes do with two humps on its back.
"
"the entrees at bistro giotti
are sometimes a little bit spotty.
the pasta they fill
with some meat makes me ill:
it's called ""spam, spam, and spam agnolotti.""
"
"perversely, you testify tersely,
contesting suggestions adversely.
i mutter, ""oh mercy,
you're so arsy-versy!
endure it, for better or worsely!""
"
"the cream of the aeroplane set
all yearn for yvette's aviette.
when she hops on her glider,
they gather beside her
then roar, as she soars like a jet.
"
"""i'm certain it's elvis who's snoring
so loudly it's shaking my flooring"":
epistemic, this whim.
""well, it's possibly him"":
that's alethic (it's true, but it's boring).
"
"the ancients divined by default,
casting crystals aloft for gestalt.
alomancy provided
the clues that resided
in brine, a solution of salt.
"
"the afridi in pakistan dwell,
and were prone, 'neath the raj, to rebel;
they reside near the khyber.
to a wisden subscriber,
afridi's a bowler as well.
"
"the economy's slower than slow;
my approval is lower than low.
to salvage my job'll
take warfare in kabul:
afghanistanism, you know.
"
"to the saucy young maid, the man said,
""come alongst, let us thither to bed.""
""art thou longst?"" she didst say,
but then cried in dismay,
""ah! methinks just a nail there instead.""
"
"artolatry glorifies bread,
which stands for the body that bled.
for your soul it's much safer
to nibble the wafer
and worship the savior instead.
"
"anthropologists know they've revealed
an old hominid burial field
when they pick up a dead
aphanozygous head,
with its cheeks 'neath its eyebrows concealed.
"
"autoxidation, a chemist will swear,
causes brownish-red flecks here and there.
if you tell her it's just
the formation of rust,
she'll say, ""yes, through exposure to air.""
"
"if you find that your engine's awry
as your copter descends from the sky,
let the airflow impel
your propeller: it's swell
to give autorotation a try.
"
"take aluminum, cobalt and nickel;
add iron and copper (a trickle).
it's magnetically active
(like women, attractive:
but alnico isn't as fickle).
"
"the monopolist needed a sedative;
the trust-busters' cries were repetitive.
""your market share rose
when you bought all your foes;
in a word, you are anticompetitive!""
"
"a scotsman, wassailing on bute,
raised his rye to the sky, in salute;
when from out of his flask
popped a slithery ask.
he ran after the newt, in pursuit.
"
"an astronaut whistled a tune
in an areocentric saloon.
he'd landed on phobos,
on tour with los lobos,
far off on a small martian moon.
"
"a toymaker, needing a topper,
puts arsedine leaf where it's proper.
it's gold, but it's dutch
(doesn't cost half as much):
it's an alloy of zinc mixed with copper.
"
"what's aselline? here's one sort of answer:
two stars near the manger, in cancer.
it also, alas,
can describe a small ass
(in a field, not attached to a dancer).
"
"when a cataract messed with her sight,
ophthalmologists warned of her plight:
""to remove it, you know,
means your lens has to go
and, aphakic, your vision's not right.""
"
"the home-owning music professor
became, all at once, an aggressor.
when told that his taxes
would treble, with axes
he levelled the luckless assessor.
"
"if, from cooking, your books are now browning
and the figures you see leave you frowning,
my accountantship's here?
climb aboard, never fear!
i can save all your assets from drowning.
"
"the aumil who came to his farm
caused the indian peasant alarm.
a third of his crop
was a lot off the top?
seven bushels, a leg, and an arm.
"
"the sorbonne is still angry at me
for pelting the chancellor with brie
at my doctoral aulic.
it's best not to frolic
when gathering up your degree.
"
"a worry-prone groupie named beth
wrote to sting, ""if you take every breath,
you'll asphyxiate us?
which would not be a plus!
but regardless, i love you to death!""
"
"the atocha, with treasures galore,
held cargo worth markedly more
than atocha, a grass,
but it foundered, alas,
on a key near the florida shore.
"
"a pheromone yields a reaction
causing intraspecific attraction.
when one species entrances
another, the chance is
an allomone's part of the action.
"
"applicative means, off the bat,
something easily used, like a gat
in a gangster's right hand,
or the strong rubber band
'round the violin case where it sat.
"
"when he plummeted over the cliff,
he was terrified, frightened, agliff.
though the road runner's fine,
'tis the end of the line
for sir wile e. coyote the fifth.
"
"a famine's a harrowing blight
for a baby to suffer. the plight
of starvation consumes,
and athrepsia looms:
to survive's a perpetual fight.
"
"the mate-seeking moose, i maintain,
grows deciduous bones near his brain.
every year they get shed
from the top of his head,
then it's antlers aweigh once again.
"
"the pole-sitter, coping with stress,
took the high road and met with success.
all his apical sitting
was better than flitting
around, ever under duress.
"
"my realtor, wilfred b. wrong,
sold me acres of land for a song.
when next i buy acreage
alongside a lake ridge,
i'll ask him which side it's along.
"
"i carried my hide to a tanner,
who tanned in an affabrous manner.
his workmanlike skill
was adroit; but his bill
in the works interjected a spanner.
"
"betrayed by imaginings flighty,
he clamored to see the alcaide.
the innkeeper laughed:
""'tis no fort. don't be daft!
in your head, my good sir, you're not righty!""
"
"had noah decreed on a lark
that horses should purr, cats should bark,
and beagles should neigh,
then what would we say?
an anarch amok on an ark!
"
"for some people, a blotch or a canker can
result in more copious rancor than
a sordid affair
or a fake head of hair:
for example, a tv news anchorman.
"
"if beset by a chest-thumping swell
who demands i say ""uncle,"" i'll yell,
""to propitiate you
i'll avunculize, too:
see, i'll act like an uncle as well!""
"
"at its center, the ship shook with crunches
from sailors with lay's, munching bunches.
""from now on, amidships
i'll have to forbid chips,""
the captain declared, ""with your lunches.""
"
"while two men were out walking abreast,
they debated whose torso looked best.
said arnold, ""it's mine!""
leading tarzan to whine,
""no, it's mine!"" and start thumping his chest.
"
"of their ayness, an angel or ghost
can to mortals forgivably boast.
though their lives last forever,
with god they will never
compare?he'll be ever their host.
"
"in spring, all the flower consumers
will whisper preposterous rumors
regarding the time
when a bud's at its prime,
and anthesis exposes its bloomers.
"
"an angora's a goat or a cat.
the cat, who's from turkey, is fat.
the goat has a habit
of pulling a rabbit
with fine silky hair from his hat.
"
"a poetess formed an alliance
with a writer for popular science.
the unravish'd bride
praised a toaster with pride
in her ""ode on a kitchen appliance.""
"
"the acolyte held out a tray
while the priest blessed the host on that day.
he said, ""if you falter, boy,
i'll find a new altar boy
to capture the wafers that stray.""
"
"my sister is sometimes flirtatious?
at times, she gets downright audacious.
she'd cloyingly say
to a man made of clay,
""oh, you're really just too argillaceous!""
"
"geology's earliest eon?
the era we call the archaean.
stromatolites tarried
in rocks, which they buried
some ancient sublimestone debris in.
"
"at ascot the horses all trot,
and a gentleman gambles a lot.
as the stakes ascend higher,
he starts to perspire
and loosens his neckerchief knot.
"
"they're salty and smelly as sin,
with slippery, slithery skin.
if they're placed on a plate,
by your cats they'll be ate.
that's why anchovies come in a tin.
"
"i wish all this rain wouldn't fall so;
it's driving my nerves up the wall so.
a deluge of dogs
is drenching my togs,
and cats are cascading down also.
"
"suspended, their axles can go
off the road, through the wooded plateau.
when they see mitsubishis,
endangered plant species
think all-terrain vehicles blow.
"
"assertedly, elvis is dead?
but according to something i read,
he's alive. don't you trust
all those doubters; you must
read the national enquirer instead.
"
"as a teen, i had never been kissed.
then a girl took ahold of my wrist,
and she said, ""dearest tim,
please stop looking so grim!
if you'd like, i'll be glad to assist!""
"
"persuasive contortionists use
shrewd designs to make sure they won't lose.
so they'll bend and they'll sway,
and they'll soon get their way
as their arm-twisting tightens the screws.
"
"although amphora sometimes referred
to a jug with two handles, the word
measured volume for greeks
(and as jugs may spring leaks,
measured less, when in rome it occurred).
"
"two asters are joined by a spindle;
no color their junction does kindle.
oh small amphiaster,
divide ever faster,
and never mitosis will dwindle!
"
"we often don't notice it's there,
but at times, when we're breathing the air
and it's sadly polluted
by brothers who pooted,
a sign should be posted: beware!
"
"by thousands, our limerick spree
has made us quite giddy, you see.
our apogee? no!
we've a long way to go,
as we rhyme our way onwards to z.
"
"""take your vitamins,"" doctors will say,
but some drugs get in vitamins' way.
to defeat your tb
or leukemia, see,
antivitamins enter the fray.
"
"our love for algology flaming,
to classify kelp we were aiming.
from maine to eugene,
oh, the seaweed we've seen!
and each alga we'd see we'd be naming.
"
"before there were airplanes or cars,
french soldiers commanded afars
and issas, a wedge
near the easternmost edge
of africa, filled with bazaars.
"
"in november, our sweethearts we kissed;
and then later, our kids reminisced.
now we've faded away,
but on armistice day
by a few we're remembered and missed.
"
"uncouth, he's inclined to appall,
so offensive graffiti he'll scrawl.
on the nursing home door
he writes swear words galore;
for his elders, he cares bugger-all.
"
"""in love-making, rhythm is key!""
said my be-bopping lover to me.
""you're so aperiodic,
which isn't erotic.""
(at least, though, my jazz isn't free!)
"
"because he exhibits such cheek,
the cat burglar's fortunes are bleak.
this guy isn't furtive,
he's far too assertive:
a sadly self-confident sneak.
"
"with bottle upended, the story
is vaguely anticipatory.
the ketchup, once free,
splatters onto your knee:
in appearance, exceedingly gory.
"
"most kids on the last day of school
find it difficult keeping their cool.
then they run like all get-out
upon being let out,
unwound like a string from a spool.
"
"rousseau, condillac, and voltaire
all enlightened the french, i'm aware.
but in germany lessing
(and herder, i'm guessing)
untangled the aufkl?rung's herr.
"
"the drug runner's abject depravity
filled customs officials with gravity.
he staged quite a tantrum
when, searching his antrum,
they found some cocaine in that cavity.
"
"a flamingo, a dove, and a hawk,
an albatross, penguin, and auk:
they're all avifauna,
cohabiting on a
few chunks of galapagos rock.
"
"the gate at the neighborhood zoo
had been trampled and rendered askew.
said the zookeeper, fred,
""if our gnus have all fled,
then we must find another, anew.""
"
"whenever old ernie and bert
approach me and try to convert
with their latter-day charm,
i just sound an alarm
and the neighborhood gets the alert.
"
"the assistant professor complained,
""i wish my adviser'd explained
that you strive to get tenure,
but afterwards, then you're
predestined to tarry here, chained.""
"
"when a bird uses ants for its preening,
it's after their acid, not cleaning.
this isn't absurd
(it's called ""anting,"" i've heard):
it produces insecticide screening.
"
"all christians adhere to beseechings
in new testament sermons and teachings.
apostolic's the name
that describes these; the same
for the catholics describes papal preachings.
"
"transfusions, though often propitious,
when blood types don't match are pernicious.
agglutinability
leads to debility:
blood cells will clump somethin' vicious.
"
"the easterly wind on the seas
allows traders to travel with ease.
but the winds up above it
tell sailors to shove it:
the antitrades alter their breeze.
"
"at the carnival, dear old aunt sally,
confronted with proof in the alley,
proceeded to jaw
with a man made of straw
in a groundless-assertion finale.
"
"""a crime against god and the church""?
with this summons my gut gave a lurch!
the apparitor read it
and after he said it,
subjected my soul to a search.
"
"the cliff-dwelling housecleaning hopi
had slipped, since his doorway was soapy.
this poor anasazi
fell down just because he
had pulled up his rope?pretty dopey!
"
"we were snug as a bug in a rug.
we embraced with a sensuous hug,
but my ardor was shaken?
if only she'd taken
her antifertility drug!
"
"at sea, to the north of san juan,
an elver is born, and moves on.
the american eel
lives in rivers, then he'll
swim away to the ocean to spawn.
"
"a fuzzy shakespearian dog
said ""forsooth!"" to a chattering frog;
""strident froggie, thou didst
croak a chorus amidst
all the peas in this soupiest fog.""
"
"""your alveary, darling, has bees!""
she told me; i answered, ""puh-leeze!""
then she said, ""not your ear,
but your beehive, my dear,""
which directly relieved my unease.
"
"days gone by, needful guys asked for aidance,
and for digging their soil used a spadance.
(the latter's not true,
to be honest with you,
but it fits pretty well in the cadence.)
"
"an  annular eclipse of the sun
by the moon is a bit underdone.
there's a circle of light;
lunar distance ain't right,
so the umbra's apparent to none.
"
"aplysia are snails in the sea,
and each day, at a quarter past three,
all these rabbit-eared critters
eat watercress fritters
with cucumber slices for tea.
"
"to kill insects, you'll want it because
it kills insects: that's what the stuff does.
just stir up a cauldron
of bug-bustin' aldrin.
one sip and they'll no longer buzz.
"
"a hazel-eyed maiden named helen
eats filberts while crossing magellan.
she saves the last four,
and she brings them ashore.
when she's home, she'll make crosses avellan.
"
"an ablutophobe doesn't get dates
very often, because likely mates
prefer that their spouses
don't stink up their houses.
what bathos this bath fear creates!
"
"young christopher, strollin' with doyle,
found an asbolin hole in the soil.
this wood-sooty oil
set their tempers aboil:
its removal demanded much toil.
"
"my doctor said, ""this is your plight:
all your blood vessel walls are too tight,
caused by angiotensin.
but there's a defense in
the works, so relief is in sight!
"
"fundamentally, no one was sounder
than botham, a boisterous bounder.
his bowling was fine
and his batting divine:
a jiminy-cricket all-rounder.
"
"my cousin, the chess master liam,
played chess in the bronx athenaeum
in shadowy nooks
where they kept all the books.
when he cheated, nobody could see 'im.
"
"through a canyon a rivulet ran,
then it greatly dilated its span.
where it slackened, some silt
formed a layer, which built,
in a vee, an alluvial fan.
"
"ahio appears more than twice
(you'd think that just once would suffice),
but he thrice in one book
gets a biblical look.
well, he's three guys, to be more precise.
"
"mr. lewis, the nutty professor,
keeps arachis oil in his dresser
(from peanuts it's made).
with this gift, he'll persuade
mr. murphy to be his successor.
"
"the amphibole lover named janet
says, ""this silicate's 'best on the planet'!
like pyroxene but lighter,
with angles much tighter,
too often it's taken for granite.""
"
"my monster instructor's particular:
all chewing should be  appendicular.
when you grievously harm,
gnaw the leg and the arm,
not the torso?that's extracurricular!
"
"the tribes (now the states) in the gobi,
where houses (says nan) are adobe,
are mongolian-led
and called aimaks, i've read
(not a one is named kobe or toby).
"
"although brightness of stars is inherent,
perceptions of this can be errant.
so when you must measure
your visual pleasure
in magnitudes?call 'em apparent.
"
"an awe is the board that delivers
the force, borne by currents in rivers,
that powers a paddle
or mill.  if you straddle
this slat, where you sat will have slivers.
"
"my chemistry teachers explain
that all austenite mixtures contain
ferric carbides in steel,
and never conceal
a novel that's written by jane.
"
"an axle's the shaft of a wheel,
but an axel has greater appeal:
it's the jump of a skater
who lands, seconds later,
with grace, on the back of the heel.
"
"this insect, a hopeless romantic,
is clownish and frequently frantic.
wherever he goes
his grotesquery shows?
he's an ant, and he's overly antic.
"
"the crusader who saved me was caped,
with two ears on his head that were shaped
like a bat's. i told robin,
""my noggin's a-bobbin',
bewildered, agape, and awhaped.""
"
"adelphophagous larvae ingest
all the eggs yet to hatch in their nest.
with albumen a-dribbling,
on siblings they're nibbling:
the food in their brood is the best!
"
"when my son thinks my logic is spurious
the tantrums he throws can be furious:
""dad, please don't insult me!
start acting adultly!""
(in context, this adverb is curious.)
"
"i was told by my history professor
alexander the great's antecessor
was philip the second
and not, as i'd reckoned,
alexander a little-bit lesser.
"
"since orchids gave steve such a thrill,
he skedaddled straight off to brazil,
where the rarest of all is:
the blue acacallis.
you should see this guy's credit card bill!
"
"the standardbred horse is no rotter:
he runs just as fast as he oughter.
hambletonian 10
was the first one, and then
he begat the american trotter.
"
"when his final round-tripper was parked,
a perennial squabble was sparked.
an un-ruthian jot
cut this gordian knot:
with an asterisk maris was marked.
"
"the king who was overly snarkical,
with humor sarcastic and darkical,
berated a peasant
and fostered unpleasant
proclivities antimonarchical.
"
"i bitch and i moan all the time.
my spleen is so mean, it's sublime.
i can never agree?
not with you, nor with me.
but arguably, i can rhyme.
"
"""these antaphrodisiac drugs,""
my physician declares as he shrugs,
""will diminish your lust?
so you'll just have to trust
that it won't make you horny for bugs!""
"
"thy paintings have played a great part
in the renaissance, giving a start
to a famous tradition
in portrait rendition:
historical surely thou art.
"
"""from argos i've travelled,"" said he.
with our diy gear, so had we.
but he claimed he was argive,
and spouted bizarre jive
regarding 400 bc.
"
"streptococci will hasten to swell
if their cells are encased in a shell.
an acapsular cell
doesn't multiply well;
in a petri dish most of them dwell.
"
"my husband, the audiophile,
is so glued to his stereo dial
that he doesn't yet know
my fidelity's low?
i've been sleeping around all the while.
"
"over bottomless caverns he sits.
you could say that his job is the pits.
the angel apollyon
isn't a jolly 'un:
worse than as bad as it gits.
"
"there's becky from vanity fair,
and that head-turner played by ms. blair;
then there's varla and kate
(who was tamed, but too late):
antiheroines all, i declare.
"
"mid-july on the yukon plateau,
when the flowers peek out through the snow,
is the time that i love,
since it's forty above,
and it's not forty-seven below.
"
"my lottery jackpot? i love it!
my job? you can take it, and shove it!
my children and wife
have bought luxuries rife;
and our station in life? we're above it.
"
"i adore you, above and beyond
all those others of whom i am fond
(except that brunette
whose first name i forget,
and that luscious young platinum blonde).
"
"you're a yucky old muckety-muck
who behaves, above all, like a schmuck.
if the cops figure out
what you're up to, no doubt
you'll be down, above all, on your luck.
"
"to detect where i said that, just look
at the earlier part of my book.
see three pages above
in my labor of love,
where i candidly call you a schnook.
"
"in the summer, when apricot trees
become heavy with fruit, a disease
strikes the stomach with quickness.
called apricot sickness,
it brings many boers to their knees.
"
"my mother, melissa caruthers,
has three rather elderly brothers.
my avunculate's stuff
will be mine, soon enough
(even sooner, if i had my druthers).
"
"if their business is taking a beating,
you'll find british investors competing
to curse and condemn
at their firm's agm
(meaning ""annual general meeting"").
"
"from the tee, golfers swat at the ball;
on the fairway, it slows to a crawl.
an approach shot (a swing)
sends the ball with a zing
to the green, where they hope it will fall.
"
"the bartender, to his chagrin,
could discover no drink in his inn.
he said with reproach:
""my casks are abroach!
they were punctured, and lost all their gin!""
"
"in greenwich, the timekeeper powers
the clock generator, then showers.
his work doesn't end
'til he meets with a friend
at the club they attend after hours.
"
"against catholics he'd waged a vendetta,
so he borrowed a bishop's biretta;
with a devious grin,
he enshrouded within
a slippery, small anchovetta.
"
"as a youth, i worked hard for my a levels.
then home office must-have-their-way devils
launched gcses
as our college-gate keys;
in a decade, they'll have what-the-hey levels!
"
"i gave my niece 5,000 francs,
and what did she give me as thanks?
some bears that were gummy
and shaped like a mummy;
then later, a parcel of ankhs.
"
"the swelling in mirabel's gland
continued, all day, to expand.
for her bad adenopathy
she tried homoeopathy;
demurred, though, at being trepanned.
"
"when wandering over kilkenny way,
i was wondering, ""what does a penny weigh?
is it less than a pound?""
but the locals just frowned?
seems they're all using euros now, anyway.
"
"on my gray asinego i ride;
two asnillios stride by my side.
i bring three little asses
for three little lasses
whose asses i've frequently eyed.
"
"the assemblagist's new installation?
ten fish and a crazy crustacean
in a green seedy hut.
""the pastichio nut""
is the name of his latest creation.
"
"the ass, long ago, did beget
the donkey, in africa, yet
though it's floppy of ear
and as slow as a steer,
still it's something on which people bet!
"
"if elizabeth r. were albino,
i'd imagine her riding a rhino.
if ever her highness
became an albiness,
she'd look just like?well, elephino!
"
"hear my voice, ye articulate nerds!
your grandiloquent gab's for the birds!
my examples and deeds
are what everyone heeds,
since my actions speak louder than words.
"
"my architect foolishly tries
to draw buildings in actual size.
his blueprints, gigantic,
could span the atlantic?
he's swimming in office supplies.
"
"the chef, who is very precise,
mixes sugar with cardamom spice?
just an eighth of a cup.
if it doesn't add up,
he decides that ""a pinch"" will suffice.
"
"young theobald, everyone feels,
has an ill-defined sense of ideals.
since his actuals seem
so prosaic, the stream
of his dreams is what really appeals.
"
"as bad as i am in the clutch,
i don't squander my chances as much
as those buffalo teams,
the destroyers of dreams
of a super bowl title, as such.
"
"as othello, he brooded on wars
with their pomp and their glorious roars.
paul robeson said it
with magnified credit?
his skin was as brown as a moor's.
"
"as from monday, the second of june,
when the clock in my bedroom says noon,
i will stop drinking beer
for the rest of the year
(or until i go near a saloon).
"
"subjunctively, as starts a phrase
to express, in a number of ways,
a suppositive sentence:
""as if in repentence,
he fasted the rest of his days.""
"
"when a sentence begins with a thought
that's as likely invented as not
(as it's not, in this case),
the word as has a place
to determine just what you have got.
"
"when you finish a phrase with and all,
it means ""everything else,"" i recall.
it's  an' a' for a scot;
 and all that hits the spot
for ""the rest,"" both the short and the tall.
"
"young bartleby bourne's a bit touchy
concerning his uncle's archduchy.
he burned five estates
on a jaunt with his mates:
this was, thought the duke, a bit muchy.
"
"in my anti-utopian play,
the surroundings are endlessly gray,
and with little remorse
politicians use force?
like a few i could mention today.
"
"the recent expanse of my thighs
led my husband to notice their size.
he made an allusion
about their obtrusion
and mentioned my fondness for pies.
"
"in my class, i watched footage of **sheep!**
on the filmstrip?they put me to **sleep!**
then my teacher professed
we'd be taking a test
on these audiovisuals. **beep!**
"
"the girls in the dorm are atwitter
about kendra, an amateur knitter,
who's said, when she flirts,
to unravel her skirts:
she pretends that the patterns don't fit her.
"
"the botanist bid me adieu;
the plants he had planted anew
were glorious, aye,
but were slightly awry:
they were not as attractive askew.
"
"i possess neither wherefores nor whys
for an african squirrel that flies.
the anomalures' tails
are enveloped by scales;
they're anomalous, one would surmise.
"
"the almoners' time-honored trade
was to offer the needy their aid.
it's the same, more or less,
in today's nhs,
but for services rendered, they're paid.
"
"we chased the american dream:
it shimmered its confident gleam.
our folks emigrated;
our hopes were inflated?
they rose, then they curdled like cream.
"
"""my congregants long for a beacon,""
said the priest to the elder archdeacon.
""in the bronx, they all claim
that the bishop should name,
to succeed you, a young puerto rican.""
"
"we lay odds against losing or winning
and preach against scandalous sinning.
we warn against spies
in disguise, who devise
machinations while fiendishly grinning.
"
"in the summer, against the bright sky,
i saw seventy sparrows fly by.
in the bleak winter snow,
visibility's low.
i prefer watching birds in july.
"
"their cabinets, tables, and chaises
earned loud hanoverian praises.
no georgian designer
made furnishings finer:
an adam antique still amazes.
"
"for original sin, take a look
in the very first biblical book.
its approximate twin
is an actual sin?
but for this one, you're not off the hook.
"
"when philology pete bought my nouns,
he abated me seventeen crowns.
he blamed this deduction
on overproduction
by omnificent limerick clowns.
"
"my writs are routinely abated:
defeated, excluded, negated.
the judges don't care
for my fanciful flair
or my facts that are slightly misstated.
"
"we adopt in abundance: a word
that was foreign when earliest heard,
the unjustly confined,
the dependents we mind,
and the minutes with which we've concurred.
"
"the member of parliament needed
his party's adoption.  he pleaded,
""to win re-election,
i'll end my objection
to all your misdeeds.""  he succeeded.
"
"the crucifix, duly arrayed,
on good friday goes out on parade.
the assembled adore it
and bow down before it,
a symbol of jesus betrayed.
"
"our meeting commenced with the aim
to deliberate, outline, and frame
several action points which,
without much of a hitch,
would determine a scapegoat to blame.
"
"for three decades, the cowboys were landrian;
the greeks, before christ, alexandrian.
if alex and tommy
both married your mommy,
she'd be, don't you see, polyandrian.
"
"my friend, the pinch diplomat marge,
an ambassador- (so-called) at-large,
would travel as needed,
where crises preceded,
by airplane, or rickshaw, or barge.
"
"we ask after parents and wives
when we haven't heard tell of their lives.
we seek after money;
pooh seeks after honey
by sticking his paw into hives.
"
"up the hill followed jill after jack;
he fell down on his crown, with a thwack.
while she tittered with laughter
she fell, tumbling after,
and hyperextended her back.
"
"precisely at 7:04
i greeted my date at the door.
at five minutes after
she snorted with laughter;
i felt like i'd melt on the floor.
"
"he lusts after power and rank,
and he hankers for hilary swank.
but she doesn't concur
with his feelings for her,
so she calls him a blankety-blank.
"
"the austrian-born rudolf steiner,
anthroposophy's timeline aligner,
thought greater reliance
on ""spiritual science""
would render humanity finer.
"
"a lens that will render ecstatic
an anti-distortion fanatic
has surfaces which
have no spherical glitch:
this condition is called aplanatic.
"
"i'm head over heels, i adore
my sweet treasure, my darling asthore.
when i'm sleeping with you
everything that you do
leaves me breathless (except when you snore).
"
"those athletes are all of a sort;
they assort with each other in sport.
they are so well-assorted,
when one of them's thwarted
they offer athletic support.
"
"a drone among numberless drones is
a babbitt; this dialer of phones is
a mindless, unthinking
conformist who's sinking
while keeping afloat with the joneses.
"
"on the chukars of idaho falls,
all the pitchers complain about calls.
though their catcher alleges
they nibble the edges,
they keep serving bases on balls.
"
"old memories linger, and sadly
remind me i treated you badly.
how badly i rue
laying eyes upon you
and erupting in ridicule, madly.
"
"at the back of the stage someone dashes,
securing a mural with sashes.
a muralist paints,
for the lives of the saints,
on a backcloth of sackcloth and ashes.
"
"what is aerobiosis? it's where
there is life in the presence of air.
those are microbes, indeed,
and it's o2 they need.
in a vacuum, they haven't a prayer.
"
"some backbenchers warned mr. blair
that his margin was thin, like his hair.
they went on to exhort
(but were rudely cut short)
that he should have been nicer to claire.
"
"at the back of my mind i've a thought to
refuse to do all that i ought to.
but that look in my eye
makes my wife start to cry,
so i've chosen, to placate her, not to.
"
"get your paws off my astbury pot!
it's the best of my staffordshire lot.
its brown and white clay
is a joy to display.
you might think it's chinese, but it's not.
"
"permit me to make an assertion
regarding your toddler's exertion.
i affirm that apparently
parents act errantly
sparing the rod of coercion.
"
"the ghost writer chose to relate
to her ghost-writing husband her fate.
the book that they wrote
bore this title and note:
""as-told-to, as told to my mate.""
"
"when pearse and macdonagh were dead,
every day for a year mass was said.
and each year we convene
to keep memories keen
at an annual, breaking the bread.
"
"since annual registers list
the important events that exist
in a nation's career
for the previous year,
they abound in historical grist.
"
"your annular ligaments wrap
'round your wrists and your ankles; mayhap
if you're suffering pain
in these joints due to strain,
then these tissues are taking a nap.
"
"our cheerleaders let out a whoop
when we finally managed a hoop.
our guard passed the ball
to neanderthal paul
in a play that we call alley-oop.
"
"an eely-shaped slippery newt
with a few tiny footsies to boot
is called amphiuma.
it likes to consume a
few frogs at one sitting, the brute!
"
"for hegel, it isn't heretical
to say that events antithetical
come after a thesis.
by my anamnesis
it's also, auf deutsch, alphabetical.
"
"when your losses exceed what you're earning,
accountants can help you by turning
expenses to gains
with an add back; their pains
help you simulate income by churning.
"
"two species named patrick and smart
had diverged, by evolving apart.
smart took it in stride:
""allopatric,"" he cried.
""i can talk. you can walk; that's a start.""
"
"not an aardvark? you know how to dance,
and you know how to button your pants;
you like drinking white russians
with six robitushins,
and not with six helpings of ants.
"
"the historical linguists all thought
that the augment was totally hot.
a vowel, it cast
all the verbs in the past:
like the y in yclept and ybought.
"
"at a distance, you look pretty swell,
and you smell pretty fancy, as well.
at a rood, at a yard,
at a foot, it gets hard
to mince words: you're a monster from hell.
"
"in the church tolls a clarion bell;
whereas at church, the congregants tell
all their deepest confessions
to priests, whose profession's
to listen, at which they excel.
"
"all my children, at dinner, will eat
at my side, at my breast, at my feet.
i'm an object called mom,
on which kids like to glom:
prepositionally, i'm complete.
"
"""in london,"" we say, but ""at bath,""
and at towns that are off of the path.
what's the minimum size
for an in to arise?
i'm not sure?i'm appalling at math.
"
"an arabian lad named aziz
brought the rival rashid to their knees.
a mere youth, this ameer
would a nation endear,
and his heirs lived a life full of ease.
"
"the english might merit a plaudit
for inventing the ale they call audit.
this beer was ingested
when students were tested;
both winners and losers would laud it.
"
"i persuaded the king to adub
all my friends?quite an honor! the rub?
now the butcher, the baker,
the candlestick maker
all answer to ""knights of the tub.""
"
"consider three meanings of addle:
""bewilder,"" ""the urine of cattle,""
and ""eggs that went bad.""
i would hasten to add
that when faced with such things, i'd skedaddle!
"
"?tienne is not active politically;
his oeuvre explores analytically
the accented ?
in th? and caf?.
he will likely, i'd say, die acritically.
"
"my mom washed my mouth out with lye,
then she swore up a storm in reply.
so my ears were the next
to be scrubbed; i was vexed
as an aurilave burnished them dry.
"
"his speech wasn't very compact,
since succinctness was something he lacked.
his ""permit me to add...""
made me terribly sad;
i responded with tact, ""please subtract!""
"
"an impressionist painter named jake,
a proponent of art for art's sake,
to adhere to his muse,
is prepared to refuse
a commission?his vision's at stake.
"
"neanderthal stone decorations
were carried to different locations.
this art mobilier
has a certain cachet,
proving paleolithic migrations.
"
"he managed to soften her heart
by using contrivance and art.
she fell for his guile
and walked down the aisle.
she's stunning; he's cunning and smart.
"
"the pimp did his best to impart
to his girls all the terms of their art.
there was trick, john, and whore
(would you like to hear more?),
also prostitute, call girl, and tart.
"
"in private, the democrats flout
their opponents; they scold and they shout.
but in public, it's queer:
they're not nearly as clear.
it's a bush that they're beating about.
"
"all and sundry traverse down this street:
dominique, and philology pete,
and the botanist steve,
with a plant up his sleeve
and some orchids festooning his feet.
"
"as an adjective, adverb, and noun,
all in all, all is all over town.
we can give it our all,
and all stores at the mall
make all main street proprietors frown.
"
"above, when applied to a bunch,
means ""in quantity, more than.""  my hunch
is that people invent
above fifty percent
of the numbers their bookkeepers crunch.
"
"you've assured me, to little avail,
that the guy down the street is in jail.
so i'm not about to,
without you, go out to
the corner to pick up the mail.
"
"it's soft, or it's hard, or it's small,
or it's large; when it's dropped, it'll fall.
it's usually round,
but an oblong one found
in an end zone abounds?it's a ball.
"
"it's as cold as a harridan's teat!
at the base of my thumbs and my feet
all the feeling has gone?
circulation's withdrawn
from my balls (see, i'm being discreet).
"
"i'm afraid that i have to insist
that a pill that's the size of your fist
(which is known as a ball)
will not likely enthral
my coyote?he'll mangle your wrist!
"
"my wife is a real ball of fire,
with vivacity sure to inspire.
when she lifts up her glass
full of brandy, her sass
can be crass, and surpassing in ire.
"
"in cricket, a ball is a throw,
whether high or outside, or just so;
but in baseball, a ball
is what umpires will call
if it's inside or wide, high or low.
"
"prosperity's mine for the asking
all because of my multiple tasking.
when i'm done with my work,
then a multiple shirk
will occasion some languorous basking.
"
"the buildings that baedeker listed
were targets that hitler insisted
be bombed in a raid
that the luftwaffe made,
with designs that were chillingly twisted.
"
"the floor of the panel was strewn
with the words that enhanced the cartoon.
""oh, #!&@!"" declared dagwood,
""this mess is a drag?would
the artist provide a balloon?""
"
"i'm learning to play the bassoon,
but i can't seem to keep it in tune.
i sound like a goose
with an adenoid loose,
or a passionate basset, aswoon.
"
"baconian methods pursue,
by compiling the facts that accrue,
a conclusion that's true,
like: ""when heated, the hue
of my bacon is brown, and not blue.""
"
"a battologist keeps on repeating
a greeting to people he's meeting:
""how are ya? how are ya?
how are ya? how are ya?""
he shouts; his encounters are fleeting.
"
"""a batrachian lives in that bog.""
""a ba-what? i'm at sea, in a fog.""
""an amphibian, silly?
it's under that lily:
a newt, or a toad, or a frog.""
"
"the stamps that i'd like to display
are all printed on thin papier.
if it's watermarked (lined)
then it's ""laid""; you will find
if it's not, then it's ""wove"" b?tonn?.
"
"to his servant, the colonel was kind,
but his kindness was soon undermined.
though his horses were cared for,
the colonel despaired, for
his batman was robbin' him blind.
"
"in babylon, batman would weigh
thirty batmans, historians say,
but in khiva, just twelve;
and fourteen, if you delve
into istanbul measures, okay?
"
"the banjoist thought it was fun
to compete; and he thought he had won.
though his pickin' was nice,
it just didn't suffice,
since the guy that he dueled had a gun.
"
"the vaudeville performer named bailey
plays banjolin nightly and daily.
when his mandolin tunings
collide with his croonings,
he moves to his new banjulele.
"
"when joseph the jouster starts jawing,
i find myself hemming and hawing.
he fills me with dread
when he wishes me dead:
it's a prospect i find to be awing.
"
"arrenotokous birthings embrace
only sons; they've no sisters to face.
thelytokous mothers
give birth to no brothers.
in neither does sex have a place.
"
"at backgammon, winning is nice,
and a roll of the dice will suffice
to determine your chances
of making advances:
with doubles, you get to move twice.
"
"the barn burners kindled a split
with the dems, in refusing to sit
while the southern enslavers
did northerners favors;
at last, they decided to quit.
"
"with excitement so thick you could slice it,
the game entered overtime twice?it
was utterly splendid.
the barn burner ended
with last-second free throws to ice it.
"
"a barn you might think to be spacious,
but in nuclear physics, good gracious!
a bundle can fill
just one nucleus?still,
to a scientist, that's efficacious.
"
"get your craving for cereal fed
(whether bagels or donuts or bread)
in the place called a bakeshop;
dessert? try some cake! shop
tomorrow, get day-old instead.
"
"since the baldhead was only a teen,
he's had nary a hair on his bean.
the one silver lining
that keeps him from whining?
it's terribly easy to clean.
"
"the stewardess let out a squeal
and the spin-cycle clouds were surreal.
as the plane spiraled 'round,
all the passengers frowned:
""no more barrel rolls, please, with our meal!""
"
"a barrel in organs spins round
and its pins, with melodious sound,
strike the keys; in a gun,
it's a tube that's no fun
to be facing, when blindered and bound.
"
"the craftsman who built a projection
on top of his house, for protection,
procured his supplies
at the store, i surmise,
in the artisan bartizan section.
"
"in a barrel, the boss's campaign
stored the money he needed to gain
the support of the mob
when his governing job
caused the man on the street to complain.
"
"sammy hagar just barrels along
down the highway?but something is wrong.
seems his cruise control's stuck?
fifty-five! what a schmuck!
now he's singing a different song.
"
"he departed, then hurried on back
to his rickety hackensack shack.
as soon as he'd eaten,
new tracks would be beaten
by kerouac, balling the jack.
"
"a flower, the color of blood,
decaying in half-open bud
has balled, so it's said;
says the poet, instead,
that this rose is a rose is a dud.
"
"behold, at the beehive, the scene!
all the bees, they be balling the queen!
when she enters, they muster
and crushingly cluster.
such beehive behavior is mean!
"
"last friday, the ladies were prancing
with gentlemen, bent on romancing
at the duchess's ball.
they appeared, one and all,
at this social assembly for dancing.
"
"""how i long for a tall ball of malt!""
said the salty old irishman, walt.
at the pub he remained
with his whiskey glass drained,
till a mate brought his drought to a halt.
"
"for a very enjoyable time,
have a ball?it costs only a dime!
just dial 5463
7425, see,
to spell limerick, for a good rhyme.
"
"i undulate under the strain
of dragging a big ball and chain,
its links guaranteeing
i'll never be fleeing
this cursed plantation again.
"
"though we vote with a puncture or scrawl,
long ago, we inserted a ball.
a limited palette
belonged to this ballot:
one black, and one white: that was all.
"
"beware of a dealer who pitches
commodities lacking in glitches.
their good-as-new states
are the tried-and-true baits
that foreshadow the tried-and-true switches.
"
"across from victoria falls
a lion majestically sprawls.
a shooter of game
lifts his musket, takes aim,
then withdraws, since he's lost all his balls.
"
"said my hog-raising cousin named sidney,
""does the membrane that covers the kidney
of my pig make you sick?
it's the barrow flick!"" ick!
did he say that? well, did he or didn' he?
"
"my grandfather's burial site
has a barrow that rises in height
fifteen feet?and it's haunted.
don't shoot, if you're daunted,
'till seeing the eyes of his wight.
"
"next month, when our baby is older,
we'll drape her in flannel, and hold her.
with her barrow coat tight,
we shall coo with delight!
(if she wriggles, we might have to scold her.)
"
"at the airport, the apron conveyor
went 'round, and i hadn't a prayer
of finding my bags,
since i'd lost all their tags
and they neither were hee-er nor they-er.
"
"it's been barnumized north, south, and west
with tremendous abundance and zest.
it will fill you with mirth!
it's the greatest on earth!
(but the publicist's under arrest.)
"
"the baculine method of teaching
can lead to inordinate screeching.
much pain is sustained
when a student is caned
on the breeches, for discipline-breaching.
"
"backwardation refers to a market
where prospects have gotten so dark it
makes sense to sell soon,
since the price, in a swoon,
will descend if you venture to park it.
"
"a grape, lying bare, spent her days in
the tanning salon, always lazin'.
she stayed for too long
reading erica jong
and was stunned at becoming a raisin.
"
"forgive me, my dear, if i shout,
but your husbandry's really in doubt.
the barn door is shut,
but the aardvark, the mutt,
and the horse have already got out.
"
"i offered a dime for a gallon
of milk, to a farmer named allen.
he offered me double
(a barn gallon); trouble?
no cow?seems i'd have to corral 'un.
"
"my indian friend's younger sister
says babu, in hindi, means mister.
she was hired as a clerk,
which was once a man's work;
by what name will her managers list her?
"
"on sundays, my preacher's oh lawdyness
contrasted with lecherous bawdiness
on saturday nights.
his indecent delights
were a sign of devotional shoddiness.
"
"sweet laurel, who hoped to devour
some soup, soon became rather sour.
she added some bay leaf,
but snorted a stray leaf
and sneezed with astonishing power.
"
"the knight wasn't much of a threat
on account of his odd basinet.
his headpiece of wicker
made other knights snicker;
he said it cut back on the sweat.
"
"down my shirt fall my sherbet and cone,
and my date fails to stifle a groan.
by myself once again,
all my thumbs come to ten
and i leave, ambilevous, alone.
"
"""my bodily fluids are ready,
and i bawdily want you,"" said freddy.
""your bawdy request
leaves me oddly distressed
in my body,"" said greta, unsteady.
"
"in my castle, my jester suggests,
the courtyard's infested with pests!
all over my bailey
the beetles crawl daily
and nest in the chests of my guests.
"
"my printer's predominant gripe,
as he's inking his movable type
with a ball made of wool,
is a booklet that's bull?
what he's inking, he's thinking, is tripe.
"
"our bairn-team's a frolicsome brood
who are never remotely subdued.
eight sons and six daughters!
each day, mother slaughters
a pig to provide them with food.
"
"under maoist collectivization,
barefoot doctors improved sanitation
and tended to peasants;
but later, their presence
declined, due to modernization.
"
"my sweetheart and i used to go
up to shreveport on fridays, you know.
after bowing to beulah,
i'd dance the bamboula?
her eyes, and my heart, all aglow.
"
"bananaland isn't so bad?
it's a nickname that queensland has had
for a century or more,
with bananas galore!
more bananas, mate! orange you glad?
"
"when sir arthur was hanging around
at his publisher's office, he found
that they used, to add hype,
an eponymous type:
'twas a baskerville baskerville hound.
"
"he is rigid, without elasticity,
and his sarcasm lacks specificity.
though his barbs make me laugh,
they're too caustic by half?
symptomatic of basic basicity.
"
"near the end of our persian vacation,
our inn caused enormous vexation.
our quaint balakhana
abounded with fauna:
mosquitos and mice, in rotation.
"
"from temptations we crave to embrace
in humanity's obstacle race,
some divine intervention
assists in abstention.
thank heaven for actual grace!
"
"the venomous bandy snake slinks,
and a sydney vacationer shrinks
as its black and white bands
slither under his hands?
but it kills only rodents and skinks.
"
"from tinker to evers to chance,
two assists and two putouts enhance
with double-play brio
this consummate trio
named tinker and evers and chance.
"
"of feet i've a pair; it's no scandal.
of shoes i have two, not one sandal.
and that's why i treasure
an old irish measure
that doubles my pleasure: a bandle.
"
"the force known as bathmic provided
the chemical process that guided
our growth from an egg.
think i'm pulling your leg?
that's what subsequent thinkers decided.
"
"in london, well-known for its fogs,
an inventor screwed sprockets and cogs.
exclaimed babbage, ""i've done it!
here's data?now run it!
an engine to calculate logs!""
"
"the baron of sandwich i be, man.
not gentry?a merchant, that's me, man.
since i serve a cinque port
in the commons, i sport
a baronial title, though freeman.
"
"top to bottom from backwardly go
you unless, see, emerge will sense no
right to leftward from scanned
flow will meter its and
right to left rhyme will poem this though.
"
"in the pyrenees, humans declared:
""lacking tools, we'll stay huddled and scared.""
aurignacians made blades;
they made needles and spades.
a new stone age's path was prepared.
"
"i went for a loan at the bank,
and the manager said, ""let's be frank.
your request for more money
is awfully funny.
why tender this ludicrous prank?""
"
"i was wheezing and coughing and stressed,
when my doctor announced his request:
""may i auscultate you?
with your lungs full of goo,
i must tappety-tap on your chest.""
"
"my plantigrade quadruped's chest
sports a badge with his family crest.
ferociously thorough
at guarding his burrow,
my badger, a badger, is best.
"
"my bardolphian grandfather said
that his merry old mistress, well-read
in shakespearian prose,
oft observed that his nose
was well-red, like a drunkard's, instead.
"
"bardesanist heretics taught
that their bodies were not all that hot.
with redemption?you guessed it?
their souls were divested
of flesh. manichaean? a lot!
"
"at a bar lives a barbary sheep,
and the publicans ceaselessly sweep
all its wool in a bale.
when they're done pulling ale,
then the barkeeps will sew what they reap.
"
"my sister's a brewer of bale,
and she loves only dewar's and ale.
if the men who pursue her
just knew her, then fewer
would venture to woo her, and fail.
"
"one batter, one pitcher, one wall,
and a bat and a ball; that is all
that you need to play barn ball.
so pitch me that darn ball?
i'll hit it; you'll throw it; i'll fall.
"
"my husband, a consummate clown,
is the biggest buffoon in the town.
balatronic, no tonic
can cure him?it's chronic!
embarrassed, i swallow a frown.
"
"a nation of monkeys, we chatter;
we jabber and gibber and natter.
our bandar-log prates
while destruction awaits;
when it comes we'll fall silent, and scatter.
"
"in bangalore, puffing a smoke,
a spice trader sauntered, and spoke:
""the spices in bangy
are tasty and tangy!
they hang from my bangy, a yoke.""
"
"deadly nightshade (it kills while you sleep);
lesser spearwort (it murders your sheep):
these baneworts are handy
to proffer as candy
if grim is your name, and you reap.
"
"the banesman is feeling the strain.
all this tromping about in the rain
wreaking vengeance is trying;
his wife's always crying,
""this blood leaves a horrible stain!""
"
"sir roger regarded his brandy,
the raj, and the queen to be dandy.
the climate was muggy
in andhra; his buggy
that lurched to and fro was a bandy.
"
"in threadneedle street, an old wench
raises rates when it's time to retrench.
bank of england's her name;
she's the one we all blame
when we weary of blaming the french.
"
"on lombard and threadneedle streets
loiter bankerdom's richest elites.
their interest in earning
more interest is burning
a hole through their banking receipts.
"
"at the top of our pit stands the banksman.
this godawful git of a manxman
pulls coal from the cages
and earns more in wages
than we do, that blankety-blanksman.
"
"size fifty and growing, he grants
that his problems in purchasing pants
might be made to abate
if he only lost weight.
since this chance is entrancing, he bants.
"
"the minister wheezes a sigh
in the hot summer month of july.
with the drought that's descended,
conversion has ended,
since even the baptistery's dry.
"
"the day they called barnaby bright
was the longest, and shortest at night.
the eleventh of june,
they would all sing a tune
as they basked in the languorous light.
"
"i'm the spurious scythian lamb:
i'm half-plant and half-beastie, i am!
all the fur on my fern
made the barometz turn
a few heads?but alas! i'm a sham.
"
"self-recording inventions are fine!
barothermographs ably combine
with a temperature measure
the pressure. with pleasure,
i praise its ingenious design.
"
"the london olympic committee
beheld old arenas with pity.
remarked an assemblyman:
""crikey, it's wembley, man!
fix it; it's good for the city!""
"
"in their anthem, the senegalese
mention koras and balafons; these,
when they're strummed and they're struck,
make a wonderful ruck-
us; these harps and these xylophones please.
"
"a barkometer serves as your guide
to determine, when tanning a hide,
if the tannin suffices.
be warned?these devices
can't chart your dog's volume (i've tried).
"
"a barrow's a cart with a wheel
in the front, and two poles; its appeal
is that one man can lift it
with ease, and then shift it.
for heavy-ish loads, it's ideal!
"
"the bartender sits at his vat
and receives, on the side that is flat,
all the money he's due.
got no cash? well, boo-hoo!
on the barrelhead pay him, or scat.
"
"the barnstorming botanist nate
went to plant shows all over the state.
he declared, ""i'll get even
with barnstorming steven?
his attacks on my taxa i hate!""
"
"i can see that the time has arrived
to declare that my logic's contrived
to arrive at conclusions
awash in confusions;
my premise alone has survived.
"
"the slovenly spy slowly oared
to a vessel, and clambered aboard
the aviso.  he waited
as news was related;
the meaningful bits he ignored.
"
"when the caddie was only a pup
at the stornoway champions' cup,
his bag got unbuckled,
and spectators chuckled:
balls down, it was just a balls-up.
"
"by night, armored watchmen would glower
from a lofty and strong double tower
on the walls of the forts.
now this barbican sports
a new film showing once every hour.
"
"the british economy grew
with but little coercion, it's true.
but where backwardness looms,
nations nourish their booms
with a dictator turning the screw.
"
"how does david seduce all his muses?
he uses the oldest of ruses.
he amuses, that's it?
with his wonderful wit.
no muse, to my knowledge, refuses.
"
"the customers carefully choose
from the veggies of various hues
as they heedfully file
down the grocery aisle:
they are minding their peas and their queues.
"
"i'd been ballyragged three times before
by the practical jokers next door.
they scold me severely
and vandalize merely
because they despise my decor.
"
"the jockey is walking askew,
with his whiskey in hand, to the loo.
he's above himself, lit,
since his horse isn't fit
for the race (it's above itself, too).
"
"most orthodox monks can relate
to the teachings of basil the great.
from greece to st. pete,
all the monks on the street
toe, like basil, the narrow and straight.
"
"my secret society's passwords
are confined, by tradition, to crass words.
ass forward, we crawl
through the entry, and call
to the sentry above us, ""backasswards.""
"
"the anusless jellyfish, dave,
was dashing, and handsome, and brave.
his onus, alas,
was the lack of an ass
and the teasing the mollusks all gave.
"
"a baghouse that gathers the dust
from a factory floor is a must.
this industrial filter
is thrown out of kilter
by chemical vapors and rust.
"
"""about-turn! by the right, march around!
back to camp!"" yelled the captain, who frowned
as his men made a left
(of direction, bereft)
to the river, and nearly were drowned.
"
"""purple haze"" was the song; the refrain
that he played was by prince?""purple rain.""
though our bass-player's gear
is fantastic, we fear
that he'll play it bass-ackwards again.
"
"in basse-terre, guadeloupe, you get sun
and two capital cities in one!
it's basseterre, in st. kitts,
where the president sits
and presides over foreigners' fun.
"
"as the pilots near panama jockey
for space in the harbor, they're cocky.
but soon they stop short
when they enter the port
since the shore by balboa is rocky.
"
"on the isles balearic, near spain,
where it's pouring rioja, not rain,
in the clubs of majorca,
ibiza, minorca,
carousing's our constant refrain.
"
"a baseball?i taught her to throw it.
she threw it, and wouldn't you know it?
unable to belt it,
i swung, then i felt it?
not over my belt, but below it.
"
"the stars and the agents who signed them?
in melody maker you'll find them.
i've not the remotest?
since lately, i've noticed,
by reading the times, i'm behind them.
"
"i fear that insanity's looming?
i'm blossoming daisies and zooming,
my elbows entwined.
think i'm out of my mind?
well, at least i'm not out of my blooming!
"
"where flora and fauna are rife,
their survival relies upon strife.
in a barren biota
there's not an iota
of struggle: it's lacking in life.
"
"the artmobile rolls down the road
with its frenchy impressionist load.
it has works by manet
you don't see every day
in my jerkwater area code.
"
"my aggry's a bead made of glass
by egyptians of old; in its class
is the adder stone.  chum,
to preserve yourself from
aggri-vation, just give it a pass.
"
"a bimetallist, bryan was chiding
the cross that mckinley was riding.
to farmers he pandered
and promised a standard
of silver and gold that was sliding.
"
"if inheritance (blending) creates
intermediate phenotype traits,
then what baby'd ensue
if two careys named drew
and mariah commingled as mates?
"
"my sister, mariah o'grady,
likes drinking a dram with her shady
companions, who pay
her to brighten their day?
a prostibulous bibulous lady.
"
"paracelsus became overwrought
at the thought of the solvent he sought.
his objective involved
all that might be dissolved:
but the alkahest ended for naught.
"
"in gardens and other locations,
most annuals (like asters, impatiens,
and poppies) that bloom
in the spring, meet their doom
in perennials' winter vacations.
"
"the preposterously large soup tureen
encompassed, in width, one arsheen.
in russia, of courscht,
it was filled up with borscht:
nothing beats such a beet-filled cuisine!
"
"at naxos, poseidon was blue,
then a nereid came into view.
when he spied amphitrite
in naught but a nightie,
he gave her an ocean or two.
"
"the heretic wrote in his diary,
""this year i offended the priory.""
his lapse of belief
meant his annal was brief,
just one entry?its ending was fiery.
"
"said sweeney, ""i had an affair
with a red-headed pop millionaire,
but i secretly harbor
a yen for a barber
named cyndi, a lopper of hair.""
"
"my masseuse's reciprocal deal
has a certain intrinsic appeal.
her back-scratching makes
me relinquish my aches;
in exchange, i prepare her a meal.
"
"a basketball player in skivvies
who crosses the lawn to the privies
might visit a backhouse?
but not jerry stackhouse,
whose toilet's indoors, where he livvies.
"
"the strapping young student named aidan
went out with a girl who was laden
with bosoms so deep
he decided to (bleep)
this divine bathukolpian maiden.
"
"if colombian crack's what you've got,
it's basuco: they smoke it a lot.
it's toxic as hell
and addictive as well,
made of coca, tobacco, and pot.
"
"the seaman asked, ""why, captain bligh,
are your spindle-shaped buttons awry?""
""my fanatical flogging
deranged my befrogging,""
said bligh, with a spiritless sigh.
"
"beware of the bashi-bazouks,
who administer turkish rebukes
in exchange for a fee.
if i met them, i'd flee
and i'd never say ""put up your dukes.""
"
"evicted, the people amassed
at tehran, in iran, seeking bast.
all the bastis who stayed there
took refuge, and prayed there
till all of their troubles had passed.
"
"the ablaut bedevils our prose:
it's a vowel sound that shifts as it goes.
though we know what they knew,
we don't show what they shew;
but we used to?and so english grows.
"
"an atheling's blood is so blue
that he thinks that a kingdom's his due.
but he won't get to rule
if his grandpa's a fool
and gets thrown off the throne in a coup.
"
"the baseheads who live on my block
will be high by eleven o'clock
every morning. the fumes
of cocaine spell their dooms;
they can't fathom that crack is a crock.
"
"on broadway, the amber shines brightly
on splendid soliloquies nightly.
outside on the street
when it's amber you meet,
hit the brakes?if you're driving politely.
"
"in dreamers, they cause inspiration;
in stargazers, much trepidation.
they're white as a dove
and three miles up above:
altocumulus clouds in formation.
"
"a symbol decidedly grand
is &amp;, a.k.a., ampersand.
it's used in &amp;c.
what could be better? a
wonderful way to write and.
"
"""these badgers,"" my cousin was thinking,
while taking a pee after drinking,
""are sniffing at me
very curiously;
these badgers must think that i'm stinking!""
"
"i fancy a cowgirl named carol
who races her horse round a barrel,
then circles two more.
it's her curves i adore,
in her barrel race cowgirl apparel.
"
"when we barnstorm a town or a farm
we don't cause agricultural harm.
all the townspeople know
that our travelling show
will disarm any farming alarm.
"
"at the navy base next to the bay,
all the nurses in trousers dismay
the old baymen who fish
in the bay, and who wish
that these baymen would all go away.
"
"i lofted a soaring balloon;
it was caught; i continued my swoon.
they say ""lord love a duck,""
but at naught i am stuck?
a balloon before mid-afternoon!
"
"i'm behind in my payment of rent,
and behind, to a sorry extent,
in what needs to be done.
now i'm under the gun,
and my ""get up and go"" up and went.
"
"prepositionally, agitation
needs at in a subsequent station.
in the bard's ""fleer and scorn at,""
or ""grievously mourn at,""
it supplements loss or frustration.
"
"begetting a baby's besetting
my belly with pushing and sweating.
acknowledging that,
i've decided a cat
is the creature i'd rather be getting.
"
"love was blind, so i held out my hand
as he placed on my finger a band.
now we sit on the couch
with a microwaved pouch;
and our love, like our dinner, is bland.
"
"an artist of eminent rank
told his students, by way of a prank,
as they tried to decide
why no ink was applied,
""pay attention! i'm drawing a blank!""
"
"there once was a baker named bobby
who blended blancmange as a hobby.
this bouncy old fellow
became, like his jell-o,
aquiver, ebulliently blobby.
"
"said adam to eve, ""stop your grieving!
the devil has done his deceiving.
the price has been big,
but i don't give a fig!
i believe that it's time to be leaving.""
"
"some russian refinery schemers
developed astatki redeemers.
petroleum dregs
got a new set of legs
thanks to atomization by steamers.
"
"though his parachute suffered a tear,
the skydiver hadn't a care
since he thought that his fall
would meet friction withal
and in time be arrested by air.
"
"just after my uncle wed carole,
she plunged down the falls in a barrel.
my uncle was frantic?
this wasn't romantic!
my aunt was anaunter, in peril.
"
"though most beasts settle down on the flooring
in winter, to do their deep snoring,
some aestivate, mate:
they spend their torpid state
in the summer, when tv is boring.
"
"of see-saws and slides there are none;
non-traditional play's how it's done.
since adventure's the name
of this playground, the game
is for kids to create their own fun.
"
"""be so good as to join me for tea,""
says my miserly uncle to me.
when i finish, he states,
as he's washing my plates,
""be so good as to pay me a fee.""
"
"to adoperate something's to use it.
it's archaic?today we refuse it.
its meaning's been done
up above, in line one?
so you see, we must use it or lose it.
"
"to manage to topple a deer
when a westerly wind is severe,
you must alter your shooting
and hope, in computing,
your aim-off's sufficiently near.
"
"the exercise champion, matt,
had a stomach impressively flat.
then he ate and he ate,
and he gained lots of weight.
half as heavy again, he was fat.
"
"he abated himself in the house,
which the owner had left to his spouse.
her solicitor sued,
but their case came unglued?
the abater was only a mouse.
"
"since 666 they've been parking
their saxon remains here in barking,
just east of east ham?
and i'll give you a dram
for resisting all canine-remarking.
"
"visit babar?it's part of the string
of moluccas, and lacks just one thing.
it's got beaches and spice;
it's remote, which is nice?
but it's missing an elephant king.
"
"archcupbearer, that is the name
of a king who's relinquished his claim
to the throne; he now serves
holy roman hor d'oeuvres,
a fine title concealing his shame.
"
"""and per se"" spawned this ampassy word:
it's pass?, though in cornwall still heard.
add an ""and"" at the end,
it's an ampersand, friend,
either way, it means and?how absurd!
"
"'round the city of rome walked a goat
(so an ancient historian wrote),
its amburbial ramble
a showy preamble
to sacrifice?slitting its throat.
"
"the emperor gluteus maximus
was king of the angles in saximus.
he commanded the masses
to sit on their asses:
his governing methods were laximus.
"
"the '30s, some argue, were cheerier,
while others would swear they were drearier.
i'd submit, as a youth
not yet long in the tooth:
like my teeth in the front, they're anterior.
"
"said steve to a gardening miss,
""for a shrub that will fill you with bliss,
see my basket of gold,
with its yellows so bold;
in exchange, dear alyssa, a kiss?""
"
"when han solo takes on boba fett,
in a carbonite prison he's set.
so now pity poor han,
the anthropolith man.
he's as stiff as the living can get.
"
"the bangorian crisis exploded
'round hoadly, a bishop who goaded
king george to besmirch
a non-heavenly church,
and its secular power eroded.
"
"roast beast by the grinch was allotted
to whos, who responded, besotted,
with shouts and applause,
while the heart of this claus
grew three sizes?and burst his carotid.
"
"the germans gave shirley the slip
off the prow of the lollypop ship.
at the radar, she pouted;
the admiral shouted,
""hey temple, enough of your blip!""
"
"when elmer shot wabbits, what muddlement
befell him! his fall in a puddle meant
a rush of confusion.
a nasty contusion
intensified elmer's befuddlement.
"
"when kissing, most lovers attest
that bilabiate partners are best.
though a single lip might
in a pinch be all right,
having two provides double the zest.
"
"each basement's a bargain, i've found,
in a building surrounded by ground.
since the prices are low
down below, don't you know,
they're the best-selling cellars around.
"
"an expert at poker, the player
bet stakes made of wood to dismay her.
he shuffled the deck
and inspected her neck:
he was bluffing the vampire slayer.
"
"a banker who tried to enhance
his chances of getting a dance
at the annual bash
tried advancing some cash,
but the ladies all spurned his advance.
"
"i was just getting into my goading
when he said, ""this here gun's autoloading.""
without pause to reload
he soon filled my abode
full of holes, and my mind with foreboding.
"
"a total reflection of light
is the ""color"" referred to as white,
and the ""color"" called black
is its absolute lack.
to call either a color's not right.
"
"that's an angel shark there?have you seen 'er?
compared to most sharks, she is leaner.
be wary, young swimmer?
although she is trimmer,
this squatina squatina's meaner.
"
"my girlfriend, lucinda, is pouting,
as baseball fans 'round her are shouting.
the ball game is nice
and her beer's cold as ice,
but this wasn't her choice of an outing.
"
"an irishman's girlfriend, named flannery,
worked nights shelling beans in a cannery.
in belfast, a shell
felled her paddy?the hell
of a life filled with rife black-and-tannery!
"
"no sugar tonight in my tea
or my coffee?it's saccharine-free!
save your cream and your milk
and lactiferous ilk
for the british, since black is for me.
"
"the striker's unhindered deflection
went wide, then the hooligan section
proceeded to put
the poor athlete's foot,
with his head, in their trophy collection.
"
"at this pace, i will likely be through
with these ats by a quarter past two.
at refers to the rate
at which speed skaters skate
or a power tool tightens a screw.
"
"the bills of mortality weekly
report on the deaths that obliquely
enlighten a town,
if its water is brown,
that its sewage is treated antiquely.
"
"two mothers, two sons; virtue, zero.
agrippina the younger bore nero.
agrippina the elder
(tiberius held her)
bore caligula?nobody's hero.
"
"though our vessel is laden with wealth,
we are forced to unload it in stealth.
since the port where we'd docked
was infected, we're blocked
from receiving a clean bill of health.
"
"the w : why's it in answer?
i'd tell you, except that i can't, swer:
my sharp-witted brain
has just suffered a sprain
and it no longer moves like a danswer.
"
"my husband's as thick as an ox?
can't distinguish the labourite blocs.
a big bennite (a gent
with a socialist bent)
he assumes is a lover of clocks.
"
"by candlelight, 'round us it swirled;
its wings spanned a foot when unfurled.
be it he-moth or she-moth,
this moth's a behemoth?
the largest that's found in the world.
"
"in haarlem i spied, with a grin,
a beguine on the road with her twin.
i discovered their vows
allowed marriage, arous-
ing an amorous feeling within.
"
"in egypt, a doctor confirms
that a genus of trematode worms
has beset your urethra.
bilharzia's beneath ya?
too bad?you had best come to terms.
"
"the notorious spy known as philby
proceeded to queensland, a trilby
on top of his bean.
he was recently seen
with a bandicoot-rabbit, or bilby.
"
"the bank? he attempted to rob it.
the bomb? he attempted to lob it.
now baggins's ankles
are shackled, which rankles?
a bilbo's attached to this hobbit.
"
"in fermanagh, where feldspar is found,
there's a porcelain pattern renowned
for a luster that's sleek,
and its name is belleek.
(that's the town that the feldspar's around.)
"
"by the gate we impatiently wait
to attend all the shows on the slate.
we can hardly stay still,
since this theater's bill
isn't double or triple, but eight!
"
"at eton, the bill is intended
to register boys who've offended.
a place on this list
can bewelter a wrist
or portend that a student's suspended.
"
"the bill-board on board of a ship,
by securing the cuspidate tip
of the anchor, aweighing,
prevents it from swaying
and causing the timbers to chip.
"
"in baseball, the caps that you wear
have a bill on the front, so the glare
of the sun is at bay.
if you're bald, say hurray!
it disguises your absence of hair.
"
"in portland, near weymouth, the bill
is a beaklike projection; a chill
and an ominous wind
gives some sailors, chagrined,
who approach it too quickly a thrill.
"
"side orders aren't always nutritious;
they're often, however, delicious.
french fries, mashed potatoes,
baked beans with tomatoes
to entr?es remain adscititious.
"
"the barnstorming botanist, steve,
grew an orchid: the adam and eve.
reddish-pink on the spectrum,
it's called an aplectrum,
which means ""without spur,"" i believe.
"
"at a bindery kind of a place
you'll be finding a bookbinding ace
who, when books fall apart,
by imparting his art
will their binding, by twining, replace.
"
"the  ball girl commanded the ball boy,
""if the tennis ball's over the wall, boy,
just leave it to me
to retrieve, since (you see)
i am tall, and you're pitifully small, boy.""
"
"a bibliographer's someone who aims
to keep track of the books and the names
of the authors who wrote them
(so others can quote them)
in order, so boehm's before james.
"
"begon was a frenchman, a gringo
who governed in santo domingo.
with plumier's name,
the begonia, his fame
was assured in botanical lingo.
"
"""we're affined?"" said my boyfriend; ""ahem...
i am bound to complain and condemn
your licentious design
to confine me in twine
with this sanctioned-by-law s&m!""
"
"when baggins escaped from the jail,
with beauregard hot on his tail,
the hobbit, to kill beau,
drew sting, his new bilbo,
which sundered poor beauregard's mail.
"
"depression advanced by the hour
in esther, a delicate flower.
though she knew that her bell jar
was surely a swell jar,
her mood was increasingly dour.
"
"a carter was greasing his wheel
when his wife, who was fixing a meal,
said ""you're covered in bleck
from your hands to your neck!
did i marry a man, or an eel?""
"
"a sponge that pursues segmentation
is an embryologic sensation.
""blastulation!"" we yell
when a spherical shell
marks a spongiform cell-wall creation.
"
"such nonsense that bagpiper's spouting!
all rules of decorum he's flouting.
this bletherskate's ranting
is less than enchanting?
so maggie is dauntonly shouting.
"
"our coach bellows out, with a shout,
what his ball control plan is about.
his football obsession
is time of possession;
opponents, defending, wear out.
"
"i'm a bay stater?aerosmith rocks!
send new york to the penalty box!
at hahvahd, my sons
learned to stick to their guns
when the barnies insulted their sox.
"
"i shout to the warden-in-chief
that i've spotted a back-berend thief
on the forested track
with a buck on his back:
""there's the venison! now?where's the beef?""
"
"my barrel, abutting my hammer
and anvil, accumulates clamor.
the sound in this cave
will transmit with a wave
of vibrations the words that you yammer.
"
"""he loves me,"" she'll say to her bellwort
as petals are plucked from this swell wort.
""he hates me,"" she'll shrilly
lament to this lily
(it's yellow) and yell, ""oh farewell, wort!""
"
"while spraying my uncle's canoe,
on the faucet i scribbled a few
loop-de-loops where it bent
in an angled descent.
on the bibcock a doodle i drew.
"
"if it's waving you crave, you should really
try wearing (it's suited ideally)
a new bi-swing jacket.
with pleats in the back, it
enables your arms to swing freely.
"
"an injury suit is affordable
if damages reckoned awardable
include, for the plaintiff,
the costs?but it ain't if
your plea for this ruling is thwartable.
"
"arrive is a word i adore
that initially meant ""to the shore,""
then ""to land via ship,""
then ""to come, on a trip,
to a place where you weren't before.""
"
"the resonant sound of a bell
is a bong; and the tube that i smell
in your living room there,
aromatic with air?
that is also a bong?i can tell!
"
"since my lawyer's decided to flee,
an ad misericordiam plea
is my hope against hope
against facing the rope.
so i'm praying, ""have mercy on me!""
"
"in bed with my wife, she says, ""please,
disentangle your elbows and knees!
though you clamber with vim,
with your boniness, tim,
i would sooner canoodle with skis!""
"
"my dog, in the dark of the night,
is embarking on starting a fight.
i would gather my scarf,
but to stop him i'm arf.
(if he doesn't stop barking, i might.)
"
"the motorist braked with a honk
and his nose hit the dash with a conk.
both the sound that he made
and the bump (in a shade
of chartreuse) on his nose was a bonk.
"
"the temperance advocate eyed
all my bottles of brandy, and cried,
""prithee when will your sin end?""
""just after this bin end?
the last of the carton,"" i lied.
"
"miss chloride's objective? to prise
a spare proton of medium size
from an alkali metal
like sodium, settle,
and bind, as a crystal, on fries.
"
"my husband cajoles me and eggs
me to change my appearance; he begs
and blandanders each day.
dear ann landers, please say
it's okay to have hair on my legs!
"
"the priest, a connecticut yankee,
returns in a huff from the bank. he
has brought from the friary
his blank book, a diary?
with bankbook left home, he is cranky.
"
"three weavers assembled their peers
for a march, amid boisterous cheers.
draped in blankets, they strove
to display what they wove.
the were known as the three blanketeers.
"
"the cossacks were riding together
on steppes in the inclement weather.
their heads, as they trundled,
were cozily bundled
in bashliks, or hoods made of leather.
"
"when victorian critics campaigned
to get baby-farm owners arraigned
and said daycare for profit
was greedy, ""get off it!
we need it!"" the mothers complained.
"
"my dog has large splotches of black,
with some white in the mix, on his back.
with his badger-pied marking,
my beagle's embarking
on barking, in search of a snack.
"
"with his periwig cocked on his head,
he coquetted, then solemnly read
a soliloquy, oozing
blandiloquy?choosing
to flatter the maid into bed.
"
"if mancunians, locked in a battle
in glasgow, proceeded to prattle
'bout rangers, a stranger
could use an arranger
for bidialectalist tattle.
"
"eleven benevolent orders
of elks were acquisitive hoarders
of dues, which they squandered;
their leaders have wandered
across international borders.
"
"the altar boy, andy, is denser
than lead: since the incense dispenser
is known as a boat,
he tried making it float
with a rudder and sail in the censer.
"
"""i thought that i taught you before
that the implement used near the shore
for securing the craft
is a boat-hook,"" he laughed,
""not a boat-hooker, mate?that's a whore!""
"
"with his bagpipes at ease on his knees,
old mcclure, in a flourish, will squeeze
both his bladders. he sighs
with relief in his thighs
as he pees while he plays his reprise.
"
"the term antiferromagnetic
describes (using language poetic)
two spins disagreeing?
the irony being
that atoms are seldom aesthetic.
"
"when monopolists sigh in frustration,
""we're sick of this trust regulation,""
i say to these mourners,
""to generate corners
you really should try angulation.""
"
"a ram saw a ewe and he knew it
was useless to try to eschew it.
he hankered to blissom
her body, so lissome;
she brazenly bleated, ""just do it!""
"
"a french cuff: that's tricky, methinks,
with its folded-back fabric and links.
i think i'll make do
with a button or two
on my barrel cuff?elegance stinks.
"
"in blind blocking, blocks made of brass
or of zinco are used.  they surpass
flimsy paperback covers,
but bookbinding lovers
want gold to adorn leaves of grass.
"
"an american letter to ""fred
in new bedford"" is deemed to be dead.
but in britain, you'll find
that a letter is blind
if improperly posted, instead.
"
"on the floor of a river you'll find
that a flounder or sole is designed
with both eyes on the right.
on the left, they've no sight?
so this side is defined to be blind.
"
"""see the tiger inside!"" said the blind
on the store, though behind it you'd find
neither bengal nor cat,
just a liquor-filled vat?
and the patrons who paid didn't mind.
"
"""oh please, make their scoring attack stop,""
said the catcher, imploring: ""oh jack, stop
them all hitting the ball.""
jack succeeded?since all
of the pitches he threw hit the backstop.
"
"the vessel that's used to hold sauce
for the salads my wife likes to toss
is what's known as a boat.
and i checked?it'll float
in the bath (but my wife became cross).
"
"the current downriver is forceful,
but steering my boat, i'm resourceful.
my small open vessel
won't capsize, unless i'll
stand up and fall over, remorseful.
"
"when some furriers looking for glory
strode up a steep hill from their dory,
they founded a town
that would rise in renown.
that's the start of astoria's story.
"
"allopolyploid plant speciation
is a fad that's been sweeping the nation.
put plant a next to b,
and in time you will see
some magnificent hybridization.
"
"her pharmacist didn't deceive her,
so alex said, ""i'm a believer!
alexipyretics
eclipse all emetics:
a speedy reliever of fever.""
"
"alcestis's marriage was set
when apollo made good on a debt.
she was such a good wife
that she gave up her life
when admetus his maker had met.
"
"in kent, the batologist campbell
enjoys, in the evenings, an amble
with steve, who's his buddy.
together they study
the rubus, a blackberry bramble.
"
"when baiting a badger, the trick
for a sadist in search of a kick?
draw a badger with barking
by badger dogs, sparking
encounters exceedingly sick.
"
"the work of a woodsman is taxing;
but later, there's time for relaxing,
with flowers to press,
and a bra, and a dress...
good heavens! forgive me for axing!
"
"when an anchor hits bottom, held tight;
when a wheel grips the surface just right;
when a saw's in its groove
and it's hard to remove,
then the verb that we use is to bite.
"
"though the sitcom producer likes glitz,
and to hollywood parties he flits,
when he's back on his sets
he's as cool as it gets,
since about him, he's keeping his wits.
"
"they danced in adagio time;
they leapt, then they stopped on a dime.
he spun her around
with a languorous bound:
their pas grave was an adage sublime.
"
"the froth from my verse fills a pottle;
i sell it?ten rhymes to the bottle!
my cash from this barming
earns interest, disarming
maligners who libel my noddle.
"
"she was mad for his rock-and-roll band;
in the window some amaranths stand.
on their side, they're atilt?
soon poor elton she'll jilt,
love-lies-bleeding aloft in his hand.
"
"ain't nothin', i think, could be sadder
than shaft with a delicate bladder.
it makes him so mad
when he tries to be bad,
but his needin' to pee's even badder.
"
"ten sticks' worth of eels is a bind;
twenty-five in each stick. you will find
if you're counting these eels
what a bounty of meals
with an eely appeal you've aligned!
"
"a barmecide came from the east,
and provided us all with a feast.
but the plates full of pie
were just pie in the sky?
all illusion, except for the yeast.
"
"anatopism causes delay,
since your placement of something's astray.
when i do it myself
with a book on a shelf,
i can't find it the rest of the day.
"
"balloon was the name of a game
and the hard leather ball in the same;
'twas a label, as well,
for a bomb or a shell
that exploded in marvelous flame.
"
"in case someone happens to ask,
a bascologist's primary task
is to study the senses
of verbs and their tenses
when written and spoken in basque.
"
"the bowler was smart as a whip;
he took care that his pitch got a grip
of the surface?it bit,
and no batter could hit
on account of its hop and its skip.
"
"a nod of the head, people say,
means agreement?""all right"" or ""okay.""
such a nod by a horse
(called a bite) means, of course,
disagreement, expressed by a ""neigh.""
"
"three meanings of bite i'll present:
the effect of a wind's discontent,
the corrosion that's sketched
when a metal is etched,
and the stamp of machines that indent.
"
"arena's the style of presenting
a play ""in the round.""  i'm lamenting
its use, since the trash
hits our backs with a smash
as the audience jeers, unrelenting.
"
"an arena's where battles are waged
and where leaders of legend engaged
in a fight to the end.
but not me?i pretend,
when engaged in a fight, to be paged.
"
"though men come a-courting in herds,
she rejects them, in so many words.
to explain the above is
quite easy?her love is
reserved, so they say, for the birds.
"
"when my chemist approached me, i laughed
as he offered an ominous draught.
with this apozem nigh,
he enjoined me to try
a decoction decidedly daft.
"
"when his son said, ""don't measure my worth
by my parentage, station, or birth,""
the marquis slapped his knee
and erupted with glee:
""that leaves nothing to measure but girth!""
"
"as an adverb, ago takes its space
after long; adjectival, its place
after seventy years
or a sixpack of beers
is the sign of a bygone embrace.
"
"the widow is heaving a sigh
and bereaving the loss of her guy.
i wonder, why is it
that fabric exquisite
called black's what they wear when you die?
"
"a near-sighted copper named pollard
extracted his handcuffs and hollered,
""i've captured the killer!""
the parking lot pillar
said nothing.  he'd collared a bollard.
"
"i doubt that the typical man knows
what the musical-instrument fan knows:
when fingers are pushin',
a bolster's the cushion
that deadens the sound in pianos.
"
"a sea captain certainly should
put some bolsters of canvas or wood
near the rigging, allaying
all chafing and fraying
from masts. understand? understood.
"
"a falconer savors the day
when his falcon goes bolting away:
with talons untethered,
it flies, brightly feathered,
direct from his fist to its prey.
"
"the millworker bolts by the hour:
he sifts all the bran from the flour.
after working all night,
he is powdery-white
and in desperate need of a shower.
"
"the bio instructor i'm dating
finds heaps of hot compost elating.
this steamy affair
of exposure to air
(or aerating) deserves an r-rating.
"
"a bolt without threads on its shaft
is a true definition of daft.
when a bolt-threader cuts
spiral grooves, then the nuts
can assist in the fastener's craft.
"
"i bolted the breakfast before me,
which prompted my wife to implore me
to eat more discreetly.
i answered her sweetly,
""revolted? don't mind me, ignore me!""
"
"a bolt that is groovy abuts
a circular hole, then it juts
with some wrenching or screwing
right through it?undoing
the pervious nature of nuts.
"
"our crossbows betoken our might,
and you shiver, aquiver with fright.
with the arc of a bolt
starts our bowmen's revolt?
armed with quarrels, we're aiming to fight.
"
"in circumference, it measures a yard;
for a weakling, to hoist it is hard.
it's a bolt's worth of reeds.
and a weakling concedes
it beats hoisting a weakling's petard.
"
"i finished my last shopping chore with
a sigh; i returned from the store with
a bolt.  now my stock
is secured by a lock
and a pin that i fasten the door with.
"
"with a megaphone, edward mcghee,
when he drifts over wembley with me,
blares endorsements that spew
lots of hot air?a true
opportunist balloonist is he.
"
"o beautiful bardess! i love it,
the way that you think nothing of it
to damn me in verses
and sing to me curses?
how sweetly you tell me to shove it!
"
"in a vein, when the coal has been mined,
all the miners leave rubbish behind.
when they do this they bash,
filling tunnels with trash.
if they did that in town, they'd be fined.
"
"there is no place like home, people say,
but some homelands repel and dismay.
in the bantustan regions,
apartheid forced legions
of african people to stay.
"
"playing tag with three couples is swell,
but instead of ""you're it,"" one will yell
(in the barley break game;
'tis its main claim to fame)
""we condemn you to hell for a spell!""
"
"the color-blind milliner knew
that the green on that roll wouldn't do.
he normally wouldn't
be choosy, but couldn't
distinguish that bolt from the blue.
"
"by the basketful, flowers are strewn
'round the casket at midafternoon.
the containers will stay
when the hearse pulls away?
the next funeral's happening soon.
"
"a triple-word score for your ""dabble"" meant
thirty-three; adding ""hard"" next to ""scrabble"" meant
a cool forty-four
on a double-word score...
do i bore you with all of my babblement?
"
"sebastian, my neighbor, erected
a bastion; his home is protected
with fortifications,
preventing relations
from paying a call unexpected.
"
"in the paleolithic, the snow
made it feel like a zillion below.
the azilian changed tack
when the ice caps drew back,
and humanity started to grow.
"
"before my vacation began, it
assisted my efforts to plan it.
my baedeker listed
the sights that existed.
to travel the planet, i scan it.
"
"in christian religion, the trinity
is worshipped; in egypt, affinity
to boviform beasts
was encouraged by priests.
were these oxen, divine, their bovinity?
"
"the bout she envisioned was whirling
about, with her petticoats swirling,
and dancing till morn?
so her husband was torn,
since the bout he envisioned was curling.
"
"returning to ghent, i was cheered
when van dyck, my old watchdog, appeared.
he's a bouvier, blessed
with a visage arrest-
ing, with eyebrows, a mustache, and beard.
"
"mineralogists got in a tizzy
when abrazite, melting, grew fizzy.
this silicate turned
effervescent, and churned
when the blowpipe inflamer got busy.
"
"when policyholders have learned
that their claims have been partially spurned,
it's the average clause
that gives customers pause:
if they're underinsured, they'll get burned.
"
"a young scottish lassie named hilary
was an at, in the women's auxiliary
territorial service.
the war made her nervous,
so later she joined a distillery.
"
"an athermanous object is neat;
it transmits zero radiant heat.
but it wouldn't be fun
if one covered the sun,
since the earth would be ice?wholly sheet!
"
"the omelette chef (q.v. ab ovo)
was sacked, and departed to provo,
where a new situation
in food preservation
let him start life afresh, or de novo.
"
"my teacher aggressively told us
to write with the pens that she'd sold us.
our letters weren't flowing;
her anger was growing:
incursive, ""in cursive!"" she'd scold us.
"
"at the grange hall, a farmer named buster,
a dyed-in-the-wool antitruster,
would bash standard oil:
""they profit; we toil!
don't trust 'em! just bust 'em!"" he'd bluster.
"
"a bird, chased downwind, ever flew,
gophers hiding in junipers knew;
llamas marched near old pandas;
quails raced snails to uganda's
vast wildreserve.  xhosas yelled, ""zoo!""
"
"i see colors, except for one hue,
with acyanopsia, true;
but my victory's pyrrhic
when singing the lyric:
""hurrah for the red, white, and ... ummm....""
"
"in the old-time american west,
if you caught a bad cold in the chest
that was causing you grief,
you would pine for relief
and so abietene's what you'd ingest.
"
"this limerick's lines are applaudable:
the cheers are resoundingly audible.
if sung to a tune
i'd be over the moon,
and the song would be surely ipodable.
"
"at thieving, old bob was a topper,
but even the best come a cropper.
old bobby's undoing?
a bawbee?he's ruing
purloining a constable's copper.
"
"near the hearth, where the vapors are blown
in a blast furnace, nestles a cone.
it's the bosh, which is matched
with the belly: attached
on the shaft, like a dog and its bone.
"
"my scurrilous scolding? you bosh it:
ignoring its slander, you squash it.
you viciously mock
my ambition to shock:
you don't even so much as ""oh gosh!"" it.
"
"police in japan might report us
for harvesting shells from a tortoise.
they'll hang from a necklace
unless we are reckless?
then bekko protectors will thwart us.
"
"my husband's a bounderish cad
whose behavior is driving me mad.
he's indelicate, brash,
and more recklessly rash
than the nine other husbands i've had.
"
"by pissing and moaning, you'll squander
your chance of romance, and they'll wander.
be glad if they pay
you the time of the day;
in their absence, your heart should grow fonder.
"
"aaadonta's a genus of snails
that move slowly on highways and trails.
one has joined triple-a
to prepare for the day
when his double-a battery fails.
"
"the teenager titters and teases
with skirts to her knees, as she eases
her feet into hose
known as bobby socks?those
reach her ankles; in winter, she freezes!
"
"roberta's reluctant to share
her collection of clips, so beware
if you're thinking of making
a hobby of taking
her bobby pins out of her hair.
"
"steve's orchid-love went to his head,
so to fair madagascar he sped,
where the ""pearl"" of that isle
made the botanist smile:
""it's aerangis punctata!"" he said.
"
"the porter is carrying herring
at billingsgate market, preparing
to supplicate me
for a bobbin?his fee.
over bearing, his tone's overbearing.
"
"some wood that's attached by a string
to a latch is a marvellous thing.
if to enter you're hopin',
a bobbin will open
the door, with a tug and a swing.
"
"the satisfied smuggler was gloatful;
his clangorous clamor was throatful.
he'd come from the pier a
rich man, from the lira
exchanged for madeira, a boatful.
"
"bob's-a-dying resounds down the hall
from our landlord's apartment. we'd call
to complain of his ruckus,
except he would chuck us,
inflicting eviction?the gall!
"
"using apholate spells the demise
of some insects, like termites and flies.
it won't murder these pests,
but it quickly arrests
reproduction?no eggs can arise.
"
"what's the heaviest tournament going?
the basho, where wrestlers are showing
with ritual grace,
over fifteen days' space,
who's the master of shoving and throwing.
"
"a mud cat's a very large catfish;
a yellow cat, also, is that fish,
plus shovelhead, goujon,
bashaw?he's a huge 'un
that sticks to your ribcage: a fat fish.
"
"a bill's how the pelican feeds?
how the helican store all he needs.
but it's also the beak
of which botanists speak:
a projecting appendage to seeds.
"
"an angiographic exam
of my blood vessels' possible jam
is a treatment that tends
(if infarction impends)
to decide: am i ailing? i am!
"
"for anglers, a bobber's a float;
wolfgang hoppe's a bobber of note
who at sledding was swell;
and a bobber, as well,
is a man who pulls fish from a boat.
"
"at harrow, the bill is a list
to record all the students who missed
or attended. this tally
tells boys: ""those who dally
will suffer a rap on the wrist!""
"
"it's potentially worth abdicating
when your popular mandate's abating.
if you cling to your throne,
as by french kings is known,
you'll be headed for decapitating.
"
"""not diamonds! i told you before, on
your drill use some borazon, moron!""
he told me with ardor,
""this stuff is much harder:
the crystalline nitride of boron!""
"
"some rain and some dirt create mud
and a torrent produces a flood,
but i never have known
to have turned up a stone
or a turnip that generates blood.
"
"your bladder is full?what to do?
twist your hips 'til your torso turns blue?
flit about like a starling?
sincerely, my darling,
it's better to skip to the loo.
"
"that novel was pure blood and thunder!
with bodices ripping asunder,
it built to a climax.
today, we'd need imax
to conjure equivalent wonder.
"
"a thistle was going to seed,
so i tugged at this troublesome weed.
when i snapped it, some sap
landed splat on my lap.
it snapped back: ""when you prick us, we bleed!""
"
"""my boiler is mad as can be!
it's hissing and spitting at me!""
""it works like a dream?
it's just letting off steam
through its bleedoff, not teed off, you see.""
"
"miami's delightful in may!
near the pier all the manatees play
in the bay called biscayne,
and the boys don't complain
when the girls in bikinis sashay.
"
"in pembrokeshire, priests on vacation
have chosen a bleak destination.
when their party embarks
to the bishops and clerks,
they'll be swelling with self-admiration.
"
"the chinook took a look, as it swam;
""i'm a schnook! it's the bonneville dam!
all its monstrous concrete
will mean certain defeat!
i'm a sorrowful salmon, i am!""
"
"in my husband i've noticed a range
of disquieting symptoms of change
in the way that he sleeps;
once he snored, now he beeps!
though i'll keep him, my bedfellow's strange.
"
"""the flounder's amazing, i think,""
said my waiter, suppressing a wink.
then my appetite slackened?
he whispered, ""it's blackened
with boot polish, sulfur and ink.""
"
"said one egg to another, ""i thought,
after hatching, that life would be hot.""
said the other, ""predictions
like yours are afflictions!
it's boiling, you see, in this pot!""
"
"it used to refer to the stuffing
that furnished a quilt with its puffing;
but bombast of cotton
has long been forgotten?
today, it means ""trivial huffing.""
"
"""the bonk"" is most likely to hit
when your sides are beginning to split
after cycling too far
with no energy bar
in your bonk bag at hand to be bit.
"
"he bilks me in cribbage by thwarting
my chances of scoring?not sporting!
the way that he does it?
by bilking?because it
is cheating to which he's resorting.
"
"my novel's exceedingly thin?it
was harder than hell to begin it.
i wrote for a while,
but my writing was vile.
in the circular file i will bin it.
"
"the original stamp was the black;
spend a shilling, get twelve in a pack.
on your envelopes, these
posted letters with ease;
send thirteen, you'd get one of them back.
"
"a bout is a battle of quickness;
a contest, in sumo, of thickness;
a binge, if you're boozing;
a cold, if you're losing
a battle to keep away sickness.
"
"my acne is bringing about
a cause for alarm on my snout.
life used to be easy,
but now a swiss-cheesy
protrusion has started to sprout.
"
"this guy... went by ""pete""... out-of.... towner,
he sold me... a verb or... a noun... or
a drug... yeah, that's... right.
i slept... through... the night
on amytal... man... what a... downer.
"
"""after you,"" said the villain politely,
and (i thought) just a little too brightly.
so i said, ""after you!""
and a gallon of goo
made his countenance slightly unsightly.
"
"when a noun stands for action, an at
can be handy to signify that.
at meat once meant ""eating"";
the quakers at meeting
are worshipping; casey's at bat.
"
"an edible wood-boring grub
bored a hole through the wall of my pub
and proceeded to carve,
""no more bardies should starve!
speed the wombats, instead, in a tub!""
"
"""it's wartime,"" they tell her, ""so ration!""
but jewelry and gowns are her passion.
she apparently thinks
that to go without minks
is a sacrifice, after a fashion.
"
"against, apropos of the tide,
means a difficult task has been tried.
apropos of the grain,
means your claim to be sane
is by some resolutely denied.
"
"i adore, in a cloud-covered sky,
a blue bore when it catches my eye.
this aperture's rays,
with a hue like a jay's,
will retreat when a haze passes by.
"
"the cigarette leaf that i'm foldin'
was smoked by chileans of olden.
it's hypnotic! i'm fried
by the kicker inside:
glucosidal, the alkaloid boldin.
"
"his wife's biological clock
began ticking, then started to tock.
she signified, ""maybe
it's time for a  baby?""
he's yet to get over the shock.
"
"got a pocket knife? let me relate
where your knife has a silvery plate:
on each end?these are bolsters.
like guns in their holsters,
they keep your blade safe while you wait.
"
"though the posts at the end of the quay there
appear to be just in the way there,
those bollards secure
all the ropes, and insure
that the boats in the harbor will stay there.
"
"the sporemonger settled his bills
when he promised us fungi with frills.
he decided to cheat us,
and gave us boletus,
with pores where there should have been gills.
"
"and now for a romany riddle:
what's stroked with a bow down its middle
by fakers, while swaying
and ceaselessly playing
a bosh with panache? it's a fiddle!
"
"""it pays to be nimble and quick,""
thought jack, as the constable, nick,
caught william, who's slow.
nick proceeded to go
and benim bill to jail in a rick.
"
"for cushioning carpets, today's
manufacturers favor the glaze
of some urethane, mocking
the olden-time bocking:
a coarse woollen drugget or baize.
"
"i'm grateful to you for designing
my shoe; i have taken a shining
to the linen inside it.
i sighed when i tried it:
my moccasin's bocasin lining.
"
"applying his perilous pliers,
my new orthodontist desires
to straighten my molar,
foreshadowing dolor
occasioned by ominous wires.
"
"i offer my husband as proof
of a curious cumbrian spoof.
a victor at gurning,
he ended by turning
his ugly face downward, agroof.
"
"after decades spent sucking his thumb,
it's all shredded and pink, which is rum.
anaesthetics let floyd
do his best to avoid
any pain?now he's comfortably numb.
"
"al swatted a foul to the wall,
and the ball boy recovered the ball.
when he lobbed the ball in,
it struck al on the shin;
and al fell, with chagrin, in a sprawl.
"
"when steve went to bowdoin he dressed
in a jacket.  embossed on its breast
was a b?not for sport,
but his passion to sort
all the flora.  he botanized best.
"
"my blood sugar's high elevation
reflected a bad situation.
my urine was sweet
since my pancreas, beat,
had decided to take a vacation.
"
"the ewe, when she's through with her eating,
will issue her usual greeting.
the sound she's imparting
in warwick's called blarting,
a dialect version of bleating.
"
"the boy down the hallway named dexter
is a spiteful, nefarious texter
who darkens my path
with his cellular wrath.
he would once have been known as a blexter.
"
"antigua and ... what is that ""b"" word?
barbuda: these islands are leeward,
together comprising
(you're right in surmising)
a country where everything's seaward.
"
"her cramping is cramping her style
and her migraine is vicious and vile.
her symptoms are myriad?
she's having her . 
. to all sex for a while.
"
"after lectures, we like to relax
with some crumpets and tea for our snacks.
as the cam softly shunts
all its square-ended punts,
we shall lie on our backs on the backs.
"
"all termites, report to your station!
start chewing this house's foundation!
its rafters erode?
it's abode a la mode
through our biodeterioration!
"
"when power runs low in nantucket,
the power providers don't duck it.
they'll build a new cable
to barnstable, able
to carry in watts by the bucket.
"
"the body's the trunk of a tree;
and it fills my retriever with glee
when his bladder is straining.
no longer complaining,
he's staining its body with pee.
"
"though the green, to his credit, was knobbly,
his putts were consistently bobbly.
as they lurched to the flag
like a drunk on a jag,
they were jumpy, uneven, and wobbly.
"
"at bushwood, young danny the caddy,
a put-upon likeable laddie,
is used by judge smails;
but soon justice prevails,
which is all that she wrote for the baddie.
"
"behold all the thespian hordes,
from the lowliest lads to the lords,
entertaining with ageless
aplomb, never stageless!
as one, they have trodden the boards.
"
"i asked my physician for pills
for my coughing and sneezing and chills.
but he ordered instead, ""rest
your head on this headrest?
some bed rest will cure all your ills.""
"
"my mother and dad think it's odd
that i gave them a reel and a rod
and encouraged my parents
to visit the barents,
a sea full of glaciers and cod.
"
"the blood of the grape isn't juice,
so my church hasn't any excuse
for the ""wine"" they serve here.
deuteronomy's clear
(though perhaps the translation is loose).
"
"the degree that i hope to earn soon
to assist in my trip to the moon?
astronautics?i've learned
from the cows who returned
when the dish ran away with the spoon.
"
"two blackamoors featured in plays
in which shakespeare attempted to raise,
through their color of skin,
the exotic within
and the dread that reminder conveys.
"
"parcel a, parcel b, parcel c,
as my lawyer explained it to me,
known as acres, were white,
green and black, so he might
keep them sorted when asking his fee.
"
"the sight-impaired builder, mccraw,
was sacked with a callous guffaw:
""your vision's declined, man!""
""i see,"" said the blind man,
who picked up his hammer and saw.
"
"with my mittens i'm smitten?are you?
they were joined at their bottoms when new.
with my canines i chew
'til i've nibbled right through?
now my mittens are bitten in two.
"
"i'm in love! you could say i'm besotted.
you infatuate me?who'd have thought it?
this occurs when i drink,
which besots me; i think
when i wake, i'll have surely forgot it.
"
"a farmer, unfailingly perky,
as biltong preserved all his turkey
from buttock to tongue.
so he salted and hung
it to dry in the sun?it was jerky.
"
"alectorides: here is a pleasant
way to classify birds. there's a pheasant,
a cock, and a hen;
they're affordable when
you're a king or a lord, not a peasant.
"
"isiah and magic astounded
in handling a ball that was rounded.
the ball handler cousy's
assists were all doozies:
his teammates, at times, were confounded.
"
"when last paul mccartney was seen he
was fleeing an angry blue meanie
atrociously clad
(have you seen it? it's bad!)
in a teeny linguini bikini.
"
"beware, all ye pepperland dwellers!
blue meanies abound, and these fellers
are haters of pop songs.
their mission? to stop songs
by beatles becoming best-sellers.
"
"lord voldemort's latest attack?
he transformed all the cards in the pack
that were diamonds and hearts
into spades, using arts
that at hogwarts, they teach us, are black.
"
"the liberal democrat won,
but of cabinet posts, there were none.
with his nose out of joint,
he belaboured the point?
to be labour, perhaps, would be fun.
"
"""with a band, bind the quires of this book!""
shouts the printer, a querulous look
ever etched on his brows.
his apprentice avows
to play hooky, by hook or by crook.
"
"just under the calyx, a bract
shoots its leafy appendage; this fact
leads my gardening uncle
to probe a peduncle
to see if its bracts are intact.
"
"the zoologist asked: ""did you know a
physophora (class hydrozoa)
has bracts on its stem?""
i don't know about them,
but no leaves are attached to my boa.
"
"we hear manhood proclaimed, it is true;
but a book has its dignity, too!
known as bookhood, this status
today's on hiatus,
apparent to only a few.
"
"in a shotgun's stiff cartridge or shell it
belongs; it's a bb?a pellet.
when shooting a finch,
you should shave it a pinch.
from an airgun expelled, it'll fell it.
"
"in my biotelemetry lab
i can measure the mass of a crab
as it scuttles about.
if it varies, i shout,
""walking sideways reduces its flab!""
"
"if it's coal tar you're smoking, beware, sir!
benzanthracene's lurking in there, sir!
why worry? the answer?
it's known to cause cancer
(like nicotine tar, sir, but scarcer).
"
"bibliophily? philly will lure you
with libraries bound to ensure you
can read all the writing,
both dull and exciting,
librarians ably procure you.
"
"blanchimeters test the degree
of the whitening power we see
in our potash; their gauges
won't measure the rages
of brando and vivien leigh.
"
"i learned in anatomy class
that my elbow has muscular mass:
its extensor's a triceps,
its flexor's a biceps,
and neither resembles my ass.
"
"in today's generation, you're punk'd;
but a scotsman, of old, was begunked
if a trickster deceived him,
befooled him and peeved him.
today, though, begunked is defunct.
"
"though emerald glories enshrined it,
the truth, when exposed, undermined it
in toto?for certain;
since, drawing the curtain,
a wrinkled old man was behind it.
"
"the thrasonical bobadil's binges
of bragging contribute to cringes.
ben jonson created
this type, who is fated
to thrive on society's fringes.
"
"the sassy belinda berlin
was a brassy identical twin,
and her sister, named nora,
was brazen?she wore a
brassi?re made of copper and tin.
"
"the scold or the gossip will frown
if the branks are employed in our town.
we shall make her submit
with this bridle and bit
made of iron, encasing her crown.
"
"the ant thrush, or antcatcher, eats
little insects with six little feets.
under andean skies,
a tamandua sighs
as these birds make away with its treats.
"
"a binder's a bore who keeps droning
while others around him are groaning.
they're binding, which means
(where the toast comes with beans)
to admonish by bitching and moaning.
"
"the pharaoh, to keep himself cool,
made bipyramid building the rule.
up-and-down he would build it;
when done, he half-filled it
with water?a pyramid pool!
"
"my horse has a backband, a strap
i attached to my cart in a snap.
i'm all ready to go,
but my progress is slow?
since my horsie is taking a nap.
"
"my husband, a chelsea supporter,
drinks porter; his glasses are shorter
than pints by a half.
when he orders, i laugh?
""black and tan (add some ale?just a quarter)!""
"
"in ulster, they're banging their pans!
clad in khaki, the brash black and tans
give sinn feiners no quarter;
with constables' mortar
they're blasting the nationalists' plans.
"
"a man who is running behind me
says, ""i'm running behind?never mind me.""
so i wish him the best.
since i'm winded, i rest
and unwind; my behind so inclined me.
"
"the blacksmith's apprentice is kind,
but his talents are rightly maligned.
when he hammers he bruises
the horses and loses
much business; this bruising's a bind.
"
"courageous infinitive-splitters,
the trekkers sought alien critters.
""to boldly..."" good gracious!
the galaxy's spacious,
but grammar like theirs gives me jitters.
"
"my blubbery brother named fred
likes blaeberry jam on his bread.
my cousin named kelly,
rotund in the belly,
likes bilberry jelly instead.
"
"a sponge who has mastered the sport, sir,
of fencing would certainly thwart, sir,
a poet she knows
by absorbing his blows
since absorbency's clearly her forte, sir.
"
"though i covet a lady's affection,
my build isn't up to inspection.
thus i'll work on my abs,
'cause this god-awful flab's
so disgusting i'm deep in abjection.
"
"""those undercooked onions,"" he roared,
""underscored how i truly deplored
both my meal and my wine!""
though his lodging was fine,
he abhorred, with a passion, his board.
"
"when into the wind you must hack
as it comes from your front, not your back,
board and board is the way
to make progress this day:
tightly tack, tightly tack, tightly tack.
"
"a hater of nature named sonia
besprinkled her plants with ammonia.
she ravaged her flowers
with chemical showers
and bellowed, ""be gone, ya begonia!""
"
"if a pedlar in athens declares
you'll receive, if you purchase his wares,
a free grizzly that dances,
don't take any chances?
beware of a greek gifting bears.
"
"once board meant ""approach alongside"":
so mariners (ancient) confide.
today, on a train
or a ship or a plane,
it denotes ""come along for a ride.""
"
"in learning of hannibal lecter's
election as chair, some objectors
complained that a faction
had sought, by this action,
to downsize the board of directors.
"
"the gallery birded the actors
with hisses and hoots; these detractors
blamed lines that were twisted
and missed when they listed
their ""give us our money back"" factors.
"
"my demands were received with derision,
but at last we agreed a division
of labor: i say,
""we should do it my way,""
and my wife makes the final decision.
"
"let's go bat fowling?prowling at night
with a clapnet, attacking on sight
of a bird that's asleep.
when it wakes, we will leap
after rousting its roost with a light.
"
"bird of washington (also you're called
bird of freedom): you're firmly installed
as an emblem of dreams
and american schemes
such as hair club for birds (you are bald).
"
"do you follow? pronounce it (i pray it)
as baile ?tha cliath; each day it
is spoken as ""dublin.""
in irish, that's troublin'?
bl?th cliath's the way that they say it.
"
"""i'm under the weather,"" said heather.
her sickness soon spread; so together,
we both had the flu.
though achooing, we knew
we'd get through it, two birds of a feather.
"
"it was hydrodynamic and fast;
o'er the sun's outer surface it passed.
but this wave was unknown
(though effects could be shown)
'til by alfv?n at last it was classed.
"
"today, whether tied or untethered,
a bird may be thoroughly weathered.
but yesteryear's bird
was a word that referred
to the young of a tribe that is feathered.
"
"a scotsman named earl aberdeen
thought customs and duties obscene.
when he just couldn't see a
way out of crimea,
victoria vented her spleen.
"
"when comedy's black, it's contrarian;
its irony's shrill, like a clarion.
not harry met sally,
this harold's finale?
the death of an octogenarian.
"
"a boy on my sidewalk in yonkers
would smash all the other boys' conkers
with only one chestnut.
we called him ""the best nut""
because he was totally bonkers.
"
"i birthed you, then hitchhiked to nome;
my penchant was always to roam.
then you and your dad
ran a classified ad
that unearthed me, enticing me home.
"
"my angel-stars' blossoms are droopy;
they hang, like the ears hang from snoopy.
i pluck off these trumpets
and give them to strumpets
before making moves to make whoopee.
"
"aster yellows makes gardeners sad
for the marigold, carrot, and glad.
and of course, for the aster
(a yellow disaster!),
the leafhopper's visit is bad.
"
"a phrase ain't worth much till you coin it
and wheedle a friend to purloin it.
bang banagher meant
""a surpassing extent""?
see, it's better to beat it than join it.
"
"the factory floor was benighted
when half of the hands were attrited.
the workforce eroded;
their jobs were outmoded.
the shareholders, though, were delighted.
"
"i love to smell cardamom spice;
grains of paradise also entice.
just a pinch here and there,
and i've nary a care:
these amomums' aromas are nice.
"
"i asink into drink when i'm drunk.
i bethink that i sank; i was sunk.
so asonken was i
that i wanted to cry!
i went plinkety, plonkety, plunk.
"
"a proposal to tax the attackers
was nixed by the president's backers.
shellacking iraq
in a taxing attack
was preferred by his pollsters and trackers.
"
"i stumble; i fumble; i clunk
my head as i crawl to my bunk.
banged and bruised, i won't whine
'cause my muscles are fine,
not remotely apraxic: i'm drunk.
"
"in bow street, the novelist fielding
trained six new policemen, each wielding
a truncheon. soon crooks
viewed these runners with looks
that were daggers?their knives they'd be yielding.
"
"some anarchists saw through the prism
of organized labor; a schism
developed, whereby
proudhon wondered why
not have anarcho-syndicalism?
"
"they call me a vulgar contrarian.
i'll gladly admit i'm sectarian,
but those freudian twits
are inferior gits.
they must bow before me, an adlerian.
"
"ignatius, polycarp, clem:
apostolic, and fathers, were them.
persecuted by romies,
they rapped to their homies
two thousand years 'fore eminem.
"
"""am i, or is addison, greater?""
said steele to an irish spectator.
giving both the short shrift,
she replied: ""why, it's swift!
neither tatler am i, nor a traitor.""
"
"the blackback's a species of gull.
all the herrings it's raring to pull
from the water will dart,
which is certainly smart:
it'll fish 'til its tummy is full.
"
"bins abound and host many a dweller,
like bottles of wine in your cellar,
and wool from your sheep,
and the hops that you keep,
and your uncle (a loony old feller).
"
"ahead, a hiatus! i'll stray,
with no reading retarding my day.
not booky, i'll learn
playing hookey, and earn
a degree in hard knocks on the way.
"
"my run for the gold lost its glitter;
i'm done for?a has-been, a quitter.
though beauty is truth,
truth is ruthless, forsooth:
and it's hardest to swallow when bitter.
"
"frau fogel, a fogyish mayor,
refused to let artists portray her.
this stern bitter-ender
would say, ""bitte, render
a portrait of klaus, the surveyor.""
"
"the popsicle trafficker tucker
invented a lemony sucker,
""astringency pop.""
'twas a marketing flop!
when you sucked it, you couldn't unpucker.
"
"around about ten, after brandy,
an angel-beast round can be dandy.
each antes a shilling;
my wife makes a killing?
three queens in her hand come in handy!
"
"its dictates i'll always obey;
its enemies gladly i'd slay.
if it isn't apparent,
i am an adherent?
of what? i'm afraid i can't say.
"
"the relation where p exceeds b
implies b's never greater than p
(unlike j = k,
which means k = j),
so it's antisymmetric, you see.
"
"your aspic anon i'd be gobbling
if only it stopped all that wobbling.
its beefy bouquet
has provoked me to bay,
while my head, like a spring, goes a-bobbling.
"
"we thought it might prove to be comical
(and compared to a f?te, economical),
when naming our tot,
for our friends all to trot
round our attic: a jaunt amphidromical.
"
"once you know that a single degree
contains sixty, i think you'll agree
that on circles it's not
worth much more than a jot:
see, the arcminute's ambit is wee.
"
"the actuary calculates rates
regarding unfortunate fates.
his time spent forecasting
can mean everlasting
weekends without going on dates.
"
"the mahout did his best to affirm
that his pachyderm tripped on a worm,
which produced a large sore
on his wrist, and some more
on his rear, which made all of us squirm.
"
"my agama's growing a beard!
these lizards already look weird:
with long thorny tails
and thick horny scales,
they make some egyptians afeard.
"
"""i did bird,"" said the thief, ""for my crime.""
""you did what?"" said the thief: ""i did time.
because bird lime is sticky
(escaping is tricky),
the cockneys say bird as a rhyme.""
"
"my old metallurgical schooling
says troughs where hot ingots are cooling
or iron is caking
are boshes?no faking!
in bloomeries, bosh isn't ""fooling.""
"
"in new zealand, the board is where sheep
meet their shearers, who rapidly reap
all their wool; when they're done,
then it's time for some fun
in the meadow, with little bo-peep.
"
"across the vilkitskogo strait
up to bolshevik island we'll skate;
as we blow on our fingers,
no leninist lingers?
since icy, not red, is its state.
"
"the president's ill-conceived vow
that his capital city, bissau,
would give way to a village
occasioned his spillage
by guinea-bissauans (for now).
"
"two bow-beaked and crook-taloned birds
caw relentlessly, ridding the herds
of their dead and their spent.
first a taste, then they're bent
(like their beaks) upon seconds and thirds.
"
"with her mother, she often proceeds
to the smotherweed trees, where she weeds
all the bassia palms
and gets buttery balms
from the hearts of their five-legged seeds.
"
"our butler was just a tad starchy.
when we asked him to chop down the larch, he
responded: ""good sirs,
i don't do conifers!""
and his eyebrows grew terribly archy.
"
"i cherished my pet axolotl;
i found him, one day, in a bottle.
i tugged on his tail...
""oh no!"" did i wail:
""i've rendered my lizard acaudal!""
"
"on my bobbery horse i turn back.
since i'm cursed with  a bobbery pack
full of mongrels (not hounds)
and a steed that confounds,
it's no wonder the hunting was slack.
"
"said the fan, ""i adore lucy lawless!
as a warrior princess, she's flawless!""
she's sort of okay,
but i'm sorry to say
that for lucy i'm awfully aweless.
"
"this indian deer likes to chomp
in the grassy wet bed of the swamp.
it's got antlers galore?
say, a dozen or more!
barasingha's not lacking in pomp.
"
"belinda, a widow of bill,
was beset by his absence until
she decided to place
in her wallet his face.
he resides in her bill-holder still.
"
"since barbie and ken started dating,
she'd always been patiently waiting
for kids.  but her boyfriend
was only a toy friend:
together, they'd never be mating.
"
"the shoemaker sits on a tack,
bounces up with a howl, then falls back
on his daughter, who's staining
some leather; complaining,
she spatters her pater with black.
"
"a grievous affliction of spirit
so bitter, it pains us to hear it!
the plight of the outcast,
when known, will no doubt cast
a pall on the rich who live near it.
"
"on boon-days, the cottager's bane
was to harvest the landowner's grain,
and the sheep were all shorn
by the lowlier born
through manorial legerdemain.
"
"my friend, a south african duffer,
went fishing; returned with a puffer.
he ate it; i shivered.
its liver delivered
some poison: blaasop made him suffer.
"
"revolting! a body is sliced
into pieces, divided and diced,
then it's served on a platter
to christians! no matter?
you see, it's the body of christ.
"
"removing the fish from his sack,
he proceeded to nibble his snack,
then he bit back a cry
and he still wonders why
did the fish, in reply, bite him back.
"
"when your penny takes on a green hue,
it's not because abe's sick of you.
its copper has rusted;
your coin is encrusted
with aeruginous-pigmented goo.
"
"if only ramona had known,
she would never have ambled alone
in a forest so snaky
on paths that were braky:
with brushwood and fern overgrown.
"
"""one more dram, mary! pour, if it pleases,
some bramberry wine with my cheeses!""
her customer gambles
a blackberry bramble's
the source of the fruit that she squeezes.
"
"old atli, the king of the huns,
wronged his wife, so she roasted his sons
and he feasted on them!
unlike labourite clem,
an old attlee who feasted on buns.
"
"to get to my villa in spain,
 i hopped in my aerospace plane.
though three hundred miles out
is a long way, no doubt,
it's much faster than taking the train.
"
"i've been offered a bill of exchange
as a loan, which i'm thinking is strange,
since its basis in law
says i've money to draw
on anon; all i've got, though, is mange.
"
"this liquid's significant (very!),
though oxygenated, not airy.
it's blood?it renews
all the sinews you use;
with tomato and vodka, it's mary!
"
"the coin called an angel portrayed
an old dragon recumbent, and slayed
by the archangel michael.
when through with its cycle
'twas weighed, after debts had been paid.
"
"got no words? flip a bird to offend.
if it's thrust in disgust at a friend,
this companionless finger
will stingingly linger?
affection will be at an end.
"
"though kevin and howie and nick
and a.j. and brian were slick,
the backstreet was slicker:
their car skidded quicker
than ""shape of my heart"" made me sick.
"
"in the meadows near stoke upon trent,
the descent of the goose called the brent
(in america, brant?
it's the smallest extant)
is an annual winter event.
"
"what's booming? find snow on a mountain,
then dam it; it melts; you've a fountain.
new seams are revealed
when the levee's unsealed:
it's a hundred-fold yield, and still countin'!
"
"the printer, determined to risk it
and nibble a bite from his biscuit,
created a bite:
half the paper was white
when obscured by its frame, called the frisket.
"
"a body blow dealt in the ring
is a gut-punching, chest-beating swing.
when it's dealt by your lover
(who's gay, you discover),
you'll never get over the sting.
"
"bits and bats, bits and bobs, bits and pieces:
the trade of the ragman increases,
his bric-a-brac bag
overflowing with swag
that the careless consumer releases.
"
"a selky, soign?e in her silk,
in the shetlands (as suited her ilk)
left me reeling, unmanned,
with her watery bland?
it's a liquor fermented from milk.
"
"on his firebolt, young harry was splendid,
but it didn't turn out as intended.
a slytherin swell
cast a dragonfly spell;
on his adderbolt, harry descended.
"
"for a bridle and bit, people should
be aware: using leather is good.
if you utilize branks,
don't expect any thanks
from your horse?it's a muzzle of wood.
"
"when he's writing, his tenses agree,
and his pronouns (he's he, isn't she)
never stray into they;
they agree. he will say,
""in the present, today, i am me.""
"
"well appointed, the doctor's equipped
with a board where results have been clipped
and prescriptions are sittin'?
the latter are written
in incomprehensible script.
"
"the despot's detractors declare
that the robe that he wears isn't there.
they go on to proclaim
that his head, like his frame,
has a bald spot: an absence of hair.
"
"she stitches the lace on her doily
and flashes her lashes so coyly.
though i like her a lot,
physiognomy's not
her best feature?her face is all boily.
"
"""you thinking what i'm thinking, lovey?""
""i'm thinking i'd love to, my dovey,
except that i'm freezing!
before we start squeezing,
replenish the stove with some bovey!""
"
"the bookmaker's only regrets,
as he tallies his customers' bets,
are concerning the bite
he insists isn't right?
that's the cut that the government gets.
"
"the irishman cares not a fig
that his neighbors make fun of his pig
who is totally gonzo.
this bonham, named bonzo,
plays drums while he's dancing a jig.
"
"""my cows is quite well,"" said the hobbish
old squeers; ""and my boys is quite bobbish?
sequeestered from lunnin,
they're healthy, not done in
by nickleby, cunnin' and snobbish.""
"
"after losing my cash playing poker,
i entrusted my stocks to a joker.
i shouldn't have spoke
when i said i was broke?
now i'm broker because of my broker.
"
"when bon was a goner, the lack
of a singer delivered a whack
to their chance to succeed;
but when johnson sang lead,
ac/dc was back in the black.
"
"black-capped, so i'd heard, was a word
that referred to a chickadee bird,
or a gnatcatcher. why
do they say it means dye,
who's a flycatcher, coming up third?
"
"take oatmeal and wheat, briskly mix it?
mmm... angel bread's how she depicts it.
does your abdomen ache?
then her purgative cake,
with some spurge and some ginger, will fix it.
"
"a crab in a cart on the street
is, in norfolk, a savory treat.
the cart that it hides in
it keeps its insides in:
the shell that you crack for its meat.
"
"the fishmonger throws on my dish
a cast.  it's the number of fish
that will fit in his hand?
three or four, understand?
(or a fish for each finger, i wish.)
"
"in a hive, where a swarm made some honey
that was sticky and splendidly runny,
a cast settled in
and made honey that's thin
and will fetch only half as much money.
"
"that play about crapshooting's nice?
i've already been to it twice.
the actors are droll!
you'll be certain to roll
in the aisles at the cast of the dice.
"
"the carding machine up in leeds
belches steam while it lustily feeds,
and the card tenters pull
endless fibers of wool
from the card can at marvellous speeds.
"
"a body, wrote hobbes, is what's known
independent of thinking alone.
said mill, it's the cause
of sensation, through laws
that are senseless if left on their own.
"
"when stanley, a winder of cable,
has lever in hand, he is able
to rotate the capstan.
when taking a nap, stan
lets go, and the cable's unstable.
"
"we stare at the actor who looks
like those swashbuckling pirates in books.
to see marlon brandish
his sword is outlandish:
it flashes, then clashes with hook's.
"
"our captain is stubborn?he plows on
through hell or high water.  our prow's on
the serrated side
of that reef, at low tide:
i'm afraid we'll collide, coming bows on.
"
"you're certain to cherish and love it?
most bricklayers think the world of it.
a trowel you pick
for cement. for a brick,
use a bolster: a clear cut above it.
"
"the carbuncles purchased by us
have created a welter of fuss.
when we signed for them, darn it!
found nary a garnet,
just abscesses oozing with pus.
"
"titanic accessories feel
that their marketing's full of appeal,
but it fills me with dread
when they measure my head
and say cap-sizing's part of the deal.
"
"my vulture encountered a snag
at the terminal gate, when a wag
from security vowed
that no birds were allowed
on the plane with a carrion bag.
"
"catalectic: a verse that is missing
a syllable.  judges are hissing:
""your meter is off,
and your rhyme makes us scoff.
can you tell us the meaning of this?""
"
"your dotage, my dear, is distressing;
your deafness is clearly progressing.
i wanted a nut
with a kidney-shaped cut
when i hollered ""cashew!"" ? not your blessing.
"
"the scatterbrained fill me with dread
when their actions relate to my head.
a barber who's careless
might render me hairless;
a doctor might render me dead.
"
"my mother will readily grant
that her woodworking talents are scant.
she defers to her sister;
directories list her
as carla, the carpenter aunt.
"
"the effects of his job are severest
at home, on his nearest and dearest.
careering away
in his workaweek day,
is the fate of the lonely careerist.
"
"the falcons amassed in a cast
to enjoy a resplendent repast.
first these hawks made a meal
of a diving of teal,
then a trimming of finches came last.
"
"my teacher sagaciously starts
with the basics, before she imparts
her proverbial wisdom:
what-isn't-and-is-dom
like, ""horses don't follow their carts.""
"
"i swore at my chores, saying 's bores,
which alluded to jesus's sores
that bored into his skin.
it's a curse with a twin,
known as zounds, or god's wounds?want s'mores?
"
"from bowdoin to state, we shall flee
from government center and see
aquarium, logan,
and maverick; my slogan?
""the blue line: the best of the t!""
"
"in new york, where the rangers play hockey
and the governor's mr. pataki,
the drinks they once poured
in the pub would be stored
in a jug (from a gourd) called a bockey.
"
"the cricketer's famous for sticking
the ball where they ain't (known as wicking
the bore?that's the spot
where defenders are not),
so his flicking delivers a licking.
"
"big brother infuriates me.
""two and two equal five... you agree?""
but whenever i add
i get four, and i'm mad,
since his slogans distort what i see.
"
"a bird-witted birder named ben
went flitting from robin to wren.
he paused for one second,
then peregrines beckoned?
and off he went flitting again.
"
"those apodes just crashed a toyota
through the front of my girlfriend's pagoda;
with no place to hide,
all the snakes trapped inside
sadly drowned in their favorite soda.
"
"when i say i've got brandy on board,
i don't mean that i'm stowing a hoard
on a ship or a boat?
no, my liver's afloat,
and i'll drink 'til i've pickled my gourd.
"
"the highwayman hoped to provide well,
but destiny didn't betide well.
the man he waylaid
led an armored brigade
and they carried him off to the bridewell.
"
"i study at brunswick, in maine,
where the winters are truly a pain,
and where polar bears swim
in the pool by the gym
when they're snowed in at bowdoin again.
"
"to the luddite librarian, hughie,
computerized data is screwy.
card catalogues thrill him?
their cubbyholes fill him
with longing: his eyes become dewey.
"
"define it (this sense is historic),
the word that we call cataphoric:
electric attractions
cause movement, like actions
of acids (perhaps hydrochloric).
"
"a hamburger junkie named knight
takes delight in a sixty-cent bite.
if you play him at chess,
he is certain to stress
that his castle must always be white.
"
"for edge, what's a five-letter word?
an answer, uncommonly heard,
is board?it's surviving
in seaboard, deriving
from border. (i'm sort of a nerd.)
"
"a viola looks naked without
any purfling adorning each bout.
front and back are inlaid
both for looks, and to aid
inhibition of splitting, no doubt.
"
"elizabeth seldom suppresses
the sensual side she possesses.
my tresses are blessed,
since she fondles me best:
how expressive are bess's caresses!
"
"if you're near a canadian river
and reindeer's your prey, to deliver
a scare, a boo mightn't
make caribou frightened,
but might make a porcupine quiver.
"
"my baby, while bathing, is happy
to shed his procrustean nappy.
i scrub his behind
and his ears; he's a kind
and immaculate miniature chappy.
"
"the minuteman said, ""here's the story:
a british commander's our quarry.
take chicken, combine
with tomatoes and wine,
and invite him to dine. cacciatore.""
"
"a body coach drawn by four horses
that trundled in front of the forces
who followed king harry
was carrying mary,
whose mother detested divorces.
"
"denise and dorinda are dressed
in the same shade of green; i attest
that they're bobbsey twins, odd-
ly like peas in a pod,
or two buds in a flower-press pressed.
"
"the drawings and photos extend
to the edge of the page, my good friend;
and these bleed cuts are why
i can never descry
all the notes at the sides that you've penned.
"
"on fishmongers' placards they scrawl it:
""six billard a shilling."" my wallet
of tuppence bereft,
with a coal fish i'm left:
it's a yearling (a billet, they call it).
"
"""i really do think you should join, ted,""
said fred. ""in our sect, we're anointed
with burgundy wine
every evening at nine.
don't be late, since that hour is appointed.""
"
"a bow pin is used to affix
the yoke on his ox; when it clicks
in the ox bow, his load
will be towed down the road,
then his row will be hoed, he predicts.
"
"a blabber-lipped fellow named pete
possessed lips that were swollen, replete
with a cluster of cold sores
(they must have been old sores,
since blabber-lipped's now obsolete).
"
"though congress and court form a share
of the branches of government, there
is a man on a ranch
whose executive branch
has been growing, bestowing despair.
"
"i have heard bird of jove means ""an eagle,""
a bird that's decidedly regal.
what's called bird of juno?
a peacock?now you know.
(does mercury dog mean ""a beagle""?)
"
"said monsieur, without further ado,
""shall we kindle affection anew?
let us drain some champagne
on the plain by the maine?
just us two, me and you, in anjou.""
"
"municipal government's goal
was efficiency; boards of control,
it was thought, would enable
decisive and stable
decrees on behalf of the whole.
"
"my critics quite often get mad.
my writing, they write, makes them sad.
repetition's not right ?
i don't mean to sound trite ?
banalized, my writing's just bad.
"
"a lawyer, in closing his case,
might refer to a photographed face
as a fact, if it's true,
adminicular to
an event, demonstrating its place.
"
"to aggrandize a guy's to embellish:
to make him appear to be swellish
when really he's not
so especially hot?
except in the sense that he's hellish.
"
"1350: a hundred years' war time,
a deathly-diseases-galore time,
a not-very-pleasant,
oppressing-the-peasant,
a-lot-like-the-present aforetime.
"
"a bookbinder rightly conceives
that his job isn't done till he cleaves
all the folds on the edges
(called bolts); then he pledges
the readers can read all the leaves.
"
"a for effort, in grade school, can mean a
gold star for theresa or tina.
but bush, on a lark,
gave alberto this mark
and gave brownie points during katrina.
"
"""i play althorn,"" i proudly declared,
and a brassy ""a-room-bah"" i blared.
he said with a snigger,
""my baritone's bigger:
a-rrrooooommm-bah!!!!"" i meekly despaired.
"
"roman lawyers of highest repute
having grappled in heated dispute,
caesar ruled on their case
as a way to save face:
""you're both ablative, i'm absolute.""
"
"you glowered, with shears, on the ground,
and you peered at your tree, and you frowned.
you need something that trims
all the higher-up limbs?
averruncators do this, i've found.
"
"the bluegrass and blackberry weeds
are plants without sexual needs.
what gives 'em their kicks is
prolonged apomixis:
they clone, on their own, all their seeds.
"
"i phoned my it guy, i prayed;
for some filtering software i paid.
for a monster awaits
propagated by gates,
machinating a spam ambuscade.
"
"with plexus he pings his pleximeter,
then out comes his albuminimeter.
i pee at my pleasure,
a protein measure
is heated, then checked by gravimeter.
"
"occurring completely by chance,
the banker's impulsive romance
he deemed adventitious.
at times, though, he wishes
that love would prevail, not finance.
"
"adenosine, some would submit,
is what dna yields when it's split.
take some adenine base,
add some ribose (a trace),
and this nucleoside's what you get.
"
"the chemist was proud of his daughter,
who learned nearly all that he taught her.
her amidin soup
was fabulous goop:
some starch that dissolved into water.
"
"there once was a friar named xavier
who engaged in aberrant behavior.
he was so out of line,
other monks did decline
to pray for his soul to their savior.
"
"lara croft tiptoed soft through the tomb
but before she encountered her doom,
she cried, ""tiny adyta
bug me. i've had it! a
woman like me needs some room!""
"
"in mary, it caused a sensation.
but apogamous ferns? no ovation.
from ovum to spore,
all the ferns we adore
can mature without fertilization.
"
"o, one!  upon thee i've bestowed,
as my macintosh hastens to load,
(and as well upon zero,
my alternate hero)
an ode to your binary code.
"
"the acrita (maybe you know)
are phyla of echelon low.
they've no nervous tissue;
their one pressing issue
is whether to swim to or fro.
"
"my potash machinery's splendor
succumbed to a nasty offender.
though he fled undetected,
i later effected
the ashery smasher's surrender.
"
"an ivy league gymnast who fell
badly ruptured her right acl.
our arthroscopy team,
with procedures extreme,
got her back on the beam at cornell.
"
"at botany, steve was the master,
discovering flowers much faster
than others could label;
they lay on the table,
their interim name: adelaster.
"
"victoria's granddaughter wed
and with nicholas, snuggled in bed.
but rasputin's foul plots
led to bolshevik shots:
alexandra, soon after, was dead.
"
"touch a burner, it's followed by burning,
whereupon you'll no longer be yearning
to try this again,
since the lesson is plain?
and it's known as associative learning.
"
"when a male and a female gamete
reproductively meet on the street,
they commence amphimixis:
a bond which transfixes
components of kids?head to feet.
"
"when the judge said, ""describe your attackers,""
i replied they were fans of the packers
with heads made of cheese.
the jury said, ""jeez!""
and awarded me thousands of smackers.
"
"neville learned the reverse of ""big cheese"" meant
that when hitler requested an easement
through czechoslovak',
and he said ""that's just talk,""
he'd be cursed as the worst, for appeasement.
"
"a new dam near aswan on the nile
was envisioned, then financed with guile
by gamal abdel nasser,
a britain-harasser;
constructing it took him awhile.
"
"coca-cola? a bad corporation.
and pepsi's the wrong generation.
i'm not anti-business,
i'm just anti-fizzness:
i long for their swift liquidation.
"
"declaring they're raring to go,
then parading along in a row,
is a here-a-van, there-a-van,
wind-in-the-hair-a-van,
devil-may-caravan show.
"
"while playing a game of canasta,
i noticed a worm in my pasta:
some moth larvae squirming
went far toward confirming
my dinner contained anagasta.
"
"a brush filled with short metal wires
is all that a carder requires
to comb out the straggles
from wool; then he haggles
to avoid being fleeced by suppliers.
"
"the carder has finished unpacking
his gear; now it's time to get cracking.
he'll soften each strand
with his card cloth in hand:
it's his instrument's thick leather backing.
"
"my cart, at the rear of my mule,
has two wheels and no springs, whereas you'll
find four wheels on my wagon.
in both i've a flagon
of wine, to provide me with fuel.
"
"my finch looked exceedingly fat
as it sat on a mat in my flat,
and this small yellow bird
flashed a smile most absurd?
the canary had eaten the cat.
"
"the vicar of whitney-on-wye
told his nephew, while munching on rye,
""when i die, you'll see how, son,
my right of advowson
will cover your rent 'til you die!""
"
"the grinch, who was armed to the teeth,
found a pear tree displaying a wreath.
he took aim, and his cartridge
connected; a partridge
fell down with a thud?it was keith.
"
"in a taxi, minnelli and grey
rode away from the german cafe
with a dancer or three.
crooned the supple emcee,
""we're divine! what a fine cab array!""
"
"in august, the magpie began
to develop his stockpiling plan.
all that sparkled or shined
to his hoard he assigned:
in his business, it's cache as cache can.
"
"tonight, after work, i am shopping
for tools to assist me in lopping
the top off my hedge?
like a bill, with an edge
called a bill-hook, for cutting and chopping.
"
"are you wanting a dog (an obscure 'un,
like president martin van buren)
with fawn-colored hair
and black tips, to take care
of your sheep? try a belgian tervuren.
"
"a bind is a timber that's tied
to keep others in place, on the side
of a boat, so it floats;
or it floats above notes
when from one to the other you glide.
"
"i've given these orders before,
but my maid thinks this chore is a bore:
to ensure that it gleams,
she can't see that it seems
to behoove her to hoover the floor.
"
"my pliable publisher, wendy,
would print any book that was trendy.
the path that she took
when selecting a book
was compliant: a bendy vivendi.
"
"all wearers of glasses should know
that the part of the frame called the bow
is draped over the ear.
the bespectacled cheer
when it rests on the temple, just so.
"
"a landlubber wouldn't know how
to discover a ship on the bow.
look ahead from the stern,
then scan half of a turn
to your right or your left, from the prow.
"
"with his bow arm atilt by his bass,
he was ready to play, once his place
on the score had been found.
but confound it!  no sound,
since his bass was shut up in its case.
"
"here's a musical horse-riding riddle:
what straddles both saddle and fiddle?
a bow: with a string,
it makes violins sing,
and gives shape where you sit in the middle.
"
"a p and an h and an m
share a round calligraphical gem
called a bow: it's composed,
either open or closed,
of a curve that's attached to a stem.
"
"the job that adrastea had
was to separate good greeks from bad.
she was jupiter's kin
now she's destined to spin,
an oddly shaped moon, 'round her dad.
"
"the medical process ablation
is a surgically done amputation.
if you're lucky, it's simple:
a cancerous pimple.
if not, you might suffer castration.
"
"the articulate worm convocation
was jointed in organization.
they wriggled inside
when polonius died,
and consumed him with wordless elation.
"
"an affodil: asphodel, this is.
present it to misses with kisses.
its lily-white bloom
will diminish their gloom.
add a d, and you have a narcissus.
"
"with asquith in charge of the nation,
the liberals built a foundation
for state intervention,
which got the attention
of lords who deplored his taxation.
"
"the ham-handed chef at ihop
lost his grip, and his omelette went plop.
so he took up his pan,
cracked three eggs and began
ab ovo, i.e., from the top.
"
"attendance is low at my shows,
and those who attend tend to doze.
i would render a tender
show-ending surrender,
but that would upset their repose.
"
"in the matter of cosmic designs,
many chemists defer to divines
and philosopher sorts
whom they favor with snorts?
but to make a world does take alkynes.
"
"with his botany grad student alice,
steve hunted for amorphophallus.
this bug-eater's genus
means ""misshapen penis.""
""et tu?"" wondered alice, with malice.
"
"the botanist steve wasn't through:
he took the next boat to peru.
anguloa, a genus
called cradle of venus
awaited: more orchids to view!
"
"i relish a stroll near the lochs,
as long as i'm joined on my walks
by my lassie named campbell
whose passion's to ramble
with argyle designs on her socks.
"
"when priestley discovered the gas
he called oxygen, some said, ""alas!
they are far too simplistic,
these antiphlogistic
opinions?we spurn them en masse.""
"
"there once was a miner named ben
who was not the most gracious of men.
when let into the adit,
he said, ""now i've had it!
you gave me the shaft once again!""
"
"when i try for a sport, running track,
i get nixed 'cause of skills that i lack.
""but daffy,"" coach begs,
""you've webbed feet and short legs!""
""that's damned ableism!"" i quack.
"
"mao delivered a stern allocution
portending severe retribution.
the crime that he spoke of
was making a joke of,
in limerick form, revolution.
"
"agonistic, he staked his position.
""i'm right. this bears loud repetition.
you're wrong, and what's more,
there are errors galore:
you're a counterfeit academician.""
"
"my astronaut chief is the dearest,
except when he's farthest or nearest.
the apsidal point
gets his nose out of joint;
in orbit, that's when he's severest.
"
"anthropophagi joined her for lunch;
she supplied hostess twinkies?a bunch.
they enjoyed these, served fresh,
then the hostess's flesh
for dessert they proceeded to munch.
"
"i hung from an ancon, then after
i said this, was greeted with laughter:
""you swayed from a sheep
just like little bo-peep?""
not a sheep, but a crossbeam or rafter.
"
"the acanthus, a prickly-leafed plant,
is today for the most part extant
engraved on the walls
of greek houses and halls.
if you like, you can touch it; i shan't.
"
"aristologists educate cooks
and forswear the assistance of books
in which betty or fannie
says, ""open the canny!
it isn't as hard as it looks!""
"
"on the walls of the faculty club,
bougainvillea, colorful shrub,
boasts of bracts that enthrall,
but has flowers so small;
there's the rub. of this shrub, that's the nub.
"
"a boat (which is short for a race
between boats in a watery place)
is in cockney a rhyme
(since they rhyme all the time)
that means ""aspect"", ""appearance"", or ""face"".
"
"ever after they hoped to live cheerfully,
but their honeymoon ended quite fearfully.
upon sharing his bed,
she lost every last shred
of affection for him, and fled tearfully.
"
"of the call girls on central park west,
tatiana's the very best-dressed.
""i adore,"" said the whore,
""the ambassador more,
but i love the ambassadress best!""
"
"adactylous, everyone knows,
means ""clawless"" (from greek it arose).
lobster lovers, please pause
before pulling their claws
and consider your fingers and toes!
"
"atlantosaurus's fossils have shown
that its back had some air in its bone.
through the marshes it ranged,
but its name has been changed?
so if marsh were alive, he would moan.
"
"in the garden in front of my tract, i
have space that is wasted. in fact i
am planning, tomorrow,
to plant a saguaro?
they prickle my fancy, those cacti.
"
"by an etymological law
that says shorter is better, we saw
for supporting the breast
just three letters were best:
the brassi?re became bras became bra.
"
"an ivy league brewer of tea
made some ginseng, and gave it to me.
araliaceous, loquacious,
and very flirtatious,
we chatted 'til well after three.
"
"like burglars that strike in the night,
insurers won't pay for my plight;
i am loath to report
that i'm going to court:
bereft if i cannot be right.
"
"a crusty old scrabbler named frank
had a game going bad, in the tank.
""draw a 'g', 63,
50 bonus if 'p'.""
on his turn he (""...let's see..."") drew a blank.
"
"""desolation"" described the repute
of the natural features en route.
one small mesa entwined
in the midst of my mind
is the desert defined, a real beaut.
"
"the water supply had run brown,
so they hired a guy to drill down.
but his screw tool was plastic:
that bit of elastic
would not augur well for the town.
"
"a dentist in need of more drillings
went searching for teeth needing fillings.
he left indiana
and stopped in montana
thus gaining an increase in billings.
"
"most planes lift their wings in a style
that gives them a look like a smile.
but a fighter's droop down
in a look like a frown ?
anhedral: more loops to the mile.
"
"to a single part nitric, you add
three parts hydrochloric.  it's mad...
aqua regia behold!
dissolves platinum, gold,
and all body parts scantily clad.
"
"a shotputter, fr?ulein brunhild',
was possessed of incredible build.
andromorphous, her form
caused competitive storm
to delve into which ""sex"" box she'd filled.
"
"from the rear of the pub came a plume
of a nasty, malodorous fume.
the drunks left, disgusted;
the methane combusted;
the barroom erupted ? barrroooom!
"
"""for my birthday, surprise me, my darlin'!""
said my girlfriend, patricia macfarlane.
so i anted admission
for charterboat fishin'
and caught her a nice giant marlin.
"
"the sleepy old heretic, jake,
for the life of him can't stay awake.
while the archbishop spoke,
jacob slept, but awoke
when he heard the words, ""burn at the stake.""
"
"24s, on the wheels of a car,
are the rims, with diameters far
in excess of what most of
my homies can boast of:
a symbol of status, they are.
"
"with our cricket eleven depleted,
an argument raged, very heated:
""who's batting eleventh?""
""a.n. other? good heaventh!""
our side, sad to say, was defeated.
"
"chilean physicians of old-oh
used leaves that the indians sold-oh.
all ills were allayed
by a tincture they made
from an evergreen tree called the boldo.
"
"acquisitive agatha sports
an umbrella encrusted with quartz,
and a fan from uganda
with leopard skin, and a
few pairs of pierre cardin shorts...
"
"humble aglets, though often unsung,
merit thankful acclaim from each tongue.
they hold laces together
in fair and foul weather;
our shoes, consequently, stay strung.
"
"a brandy's a drink made from wine
that's consumed shortly after you dine.
but brandy's benighted,
with love unrequited:
her suitor's more suited to brine.
"
"amoebaean: it doesn't relate
to amoebae. i'm telling you, mate,
it describes situations
wherein conversations
in verse take a back-and-forth gait.
"
"is a cat rig aloft on a craft
where the cats cry, ""fish ho!""? don't be daft!
it's a mainsail tied fast
to a pleasure boat's mast,
from its forepaws right back to its aft.
"
"take care: it means caution, affection,
provision of heedful protection,
physicians' attention,
and grave apprehension.
that's all (to my best recollection).
"
"the armyworm travels en masse
and consumes an abundance of grass.
though these larvae, like troops,
march in well-ordered groups,
their commanders don't ever wear brass.
"
"a tree-dwelling panda perceives
that the bagworm, a moth larva, weaves
a silk casing that's strewn
with small twigs; a platoon
in his tree likes to eat shoots and leaves.
"
"when naming the aberdevine,
it's siskin that birders assign.
i think the word finch
might suffice in a pinch,
and i've heard even bird would be fine.
"
"what's hairy and musky and round,
and can also be typically found
near a tripoli pub?
it's the abelmosk shrub?
either that, or a libyan hound.
"
"here are video scenes from my trip
to south africa's southernmost tip.
no, it isn't the cape
of good hope on my tape.
it's agulhas?means ""needles"" on ship.
"
"when the french gave the pink-slip to louis,
their currency went all kerflooey.
the people said ""rah!""
when the new assignat
allowed them to buy ratatouille.
"
"a polar bear said, ""howdeedo!""
an inuit said, ""toodle-oo!""
my trip to the arctic
was truly cathartic.
degrees below zero? a few.
"
"a tongue heard in switzerland's shops,
germanic, with guttural stops:
alemannic, its name;
and das volk use the same
in liechtenstein, ordering schnapps.
"
"in metropolis, superman's bane
is the wind that rolls in from the plain.
every blustery gust
forms a layer of dust
on his condo along loess lane.
"
"though the doc ran the four-minute mile,
""safety first,"" he would say with a smile.
""you mustn't make haste?
use the banister, placed
by the side of a stairway or stile.""
"
"when a murderer sat in the dock,
being sentenced to death was no shock.
but before that machine,
the less crude guillotine,
he'd be losing his head on the block.
"
"when you're sure that this gal is the one,
send a valentine second to none.
carve a pattern of art,
smear with ink, stamp?a heart?
block printing's creative, and fun!
"
"i think my position's a lock:
i bought thirty-four shares of their stock.
but they made such a blunder?
i'll drive those jerks under
by selling the whole stinking block.
"
"a duffer named ""hooker"" lamarr
was accosted: a figure bizarre
said, ""your scorecards are jokes;
you shave too many strokes;
i'm the bogeyman; cheats won't make par.""
"
"at a crossroads where traffic is light,
or less busy at times, like at night,
a blinker display
denotes right-of-way:
you may ""go"" when there's nothing in sight.
"
"i'm a hayseed, an' mighty proud of it;
any man disagrees, he can shove it.
i kin grow my own straw
to replace homegrown chaw;
these here boonies 'smy home, an' i love it.
"
"if your interest in dance starts to droop
try ballet from a better-class group.
go to moscow to see
just how good dance can be ?
the bolshoi is a top-level troupe.
"
"in my worklife i never recoil
from a task needing sweat, tears, and toil.
but when they complain
that a twelve-year-old brain
could do better?my blood starts to boil.
"
"their cuisine's hardly fit for a prince,
so with no other way to convince
clientele to come back,
they cajole with a snack:
on the table, a few bland dish mints.
"
"i fashioned an airfoil tr?s slick ?
a boomerang, light, not too thick;
then i threw it as hard
as i could down the yard,
but it didn't come back; it's a stick.
"
"our prof summoned all her persuasion
in algebra class, that occasion:
""to an x you apply
plus or minus a y,
to create a binomial equation.""
"
"we entered the pond for a swim,
left the scum, and scrunched down on the rim.
i proposed midst old tires,
by the light of flies' fires;
all the ambiance of an old gym.
"
"his perception of life?something fierce;
it was rendered with wit that could pierce.
he might well, as a cynic,
have offered a clinic,
that ambrosial scribe, ambrose bierce.
"
"i view fascists with utter dismay;
for they think that we need (so they say)
our traditions demolished,
and freedoms abolished,
pretending we're safer this way.
"
"craftsmen came from afar to admire
model airplanes that soared so much higher,
'til one day, shed aflame,
they were heard to exclaim
""goodness gracious!"" and ""great balsa fire!""
"
"a sturdy young slave known as gaius
said, ""friend, we'll be left on the dais.
with a.r.d.a.* laws,
all these guys prefer flaws
and resist any impulse to bias.""
"
"the day had gone past, and slave gaius
and friend were still left on the dais.
he was suddenly smitten:
""now check out that kitten!
i hope she won't go on right bias!""
"
"in a census of native brazilians,
the numbers climbed fast to the millions.
but some data about
left the answer in doubt.
in the end, they announced, ""there's bazillions!""
"
"in colloids, a chemist must cope
with particles small beyond hope.
but the amicrons' scale
is so tiny that they'll
be the smallest bits seen with a 'scope.
"
"there once was a fellow from leemouth,
catching fish in champlain, said, ""it seemeth
these fish be quite small,
less than forty pounds, all;
'twould be better to catch that behemoth.
"
"an ellipse has extremes in its locus,
like critiques that are meant to provoke us?
in no way prosaic,
more like apogaic:
the points farthest out from the focus.
"
"i've found a technique not too shoddy.
i pour her a warm glass of toddy;
we sit by the fire,
never mention desire;
10 p.m. she's all over my body.
"
"the doc made a tape apropos
diagnoses, as patients would go;
at a later time, he'd
scrawl an apograph: ""mede
merphin smorph mumble mumble, hel-lo?""
"
"the atom was thought indivisible,
'til neutron assaults made that risible.
now we've kaons and pions,
no doubt, a few ions:
a smashing good cocktail so fizzable!
"
"bivariate analysis yields
correlation twixt two different fields
in a system's statistics.
(ignore the logistics!
consider the power it wields!)
"
"an organ can ""jam"" or get hung
by a block, in the heart, in a lung;
but at times, transcendental?
some blocks can be mental,
like those that cause slips of the tongue.
"
"i don't dare tell you how it began,
but my strategy's formed, to a man.
so don't be morose,
just listen real close;
pay attention: i'll block out our plan.
"
"i sat with my wife for a chat:
""we've no kids to bring up, and all that...""
""ateknia's fine;
boundless love?  i get mine
from a husband, six dogs, and a cat.""
"
"a chemistry student named linus
would mix things at random sans shyness.
a radical twist
formed an amylate mist
of c5h11o-.
"
"the pamphlet describes a strange cult:
political yesmen result.
don't let it be seen
by a lad of thirteen;
it ordains a sad future: a dolt.
"
"when the knight took a blow to the head,
it split open; profusely he bled.
white tunic astain,
he observed with disdain,
""'tis the oxides of iron make it red.""
"
"so much writing, my arm's but a dead limb.
i submit limericks here; i can't peddle 'em.
for my spouse, no delight
in the poems i write,
though they might, late at night, indite bedlam.
"
"for her dance set, an ostrich's plumage
graced the head of one honeybee rumage.
a strap of pink hearts
hid her netherly parts,
while a boa concealed her bazoomage.
"
"when you don't have the force to invade
or subdue your foe's center of trade,
you can still use your clout,
nothing in, no one out,
by arranging your ships in blockade.
"
"an eight-year-old pupil demanded
to know why some pigeons get banded.
""it helps them tell right
from their left,"" lied miss white,
who thought ""savvy"" more vital than ""candid"".
"
"there once was a woman named kitty,
whose bosom was small, downright bitty.
her brassiere, she would find,
fit her best from behind,
for in front, would slide down. what a pity!
"
"cain and abel most likely stacked rocks.
caesar's children piled bricks in a box.
but for centuries before
legos came to the store,
kids built houses of plain wooden blocks.
"
"the trouble with school bands is that
nearly all the young players play flat.
but the worst noise of all
ain't the clarinets' squawl
but the sound of a horn going ""blat!""
"
"prescient trees turn their leaves, bottoms show;
massive clouds gray the groundscape below.
then the wind turns to wailing,
the heavens start hailing?
it looks like we're in for a blow.
"
"my birthday's not hard to remember;
it comes 'round each year in december.
my interests are various?
i'm pure sagittarius
the archer (we start in november).
"
"the concept of marriage refers
to your sharing whatever occurs.
when the time comes to split,
sharing means not a whit:
alimony you got becomes hers.
"
"he emerged from his bath one fine day
thinking ""sunshine"", and ""birds"", and ""bouquet"";
left his house, unaware
he was totally bare,
as he blithely walked off on his way.
"
"the needs of plantations were key;
you worked hard on his farm 'cross the sea.
seven years in his grip
guaranteed you the trip.
bondage gave one the means to be free.
"
"his speeches are always the same ?
skip the issues, come out sounding lame.
this bozo is meant
for that rich one percent
for whom power's the name of the game.
"
"i'm the hardwood where cocktails are poured
in the bar on this train they've restored,
but i still jump like hell
every time that they yell,
even though i'm already a board.
"
"you'll find backgammon not quite as easy
as it looks (for plain fun try parcheesi).
throw his game out of joint
with two men on a point;
such a block makes your end game more breezy.
"
"the first thing that died was the clock.
then the engine developed a knock!
shocks had had it, no doubt.
next, the muffler blew out.
i gave up when a freeze cracked the block.
"
"from his crib my son thomas can climb;
for a ""youth"" bed, i figure it's time.
but the store showed me ""teen""
and a ""king"", and a ""queen"".
for a boycott, this outlet was prime.
"
"with a bombsight there's no need to pray
that your timing and aim are okay.
crosshairs' ""x"" marks the spot
lining up what you've got
to create the best shot. ""bombs away!""
"
"""this old door doesn't latch any more!""
cried john's wife. john replied with a snore.
when she yelled that he'd shirk
any sort of real work,
he awoke?made a bolt for the door.
"
"i molded an arrow of tin
and feathered the finest white fin;
""it's done,"" i announced,
then i launched it.  it bounced.
""rather pointless,"" i thought with chagrin.
"
"the musician, while playing page nine,
read ""dal segno"", went back to the sign;
he continued to blow da
bassoon 'til ""al coda"";
then played out ad finem just fine.
"
"""armadillo,"" i thought, at the byway,
""you're too strong on the song titled 'my way'.
do you dilly and dally
uphill and down valley
or only in crossing a highway?""
"
"""face the dragon, young knight, steel your nerve;
dress for battle; approach him with verve.""
dragon perks up and dances:
""my dinner advances!
wearing armour?  aha!  brown 'n serve!""
"
"to my infant each night i remark
on the songs i'd been taught in the dark.
i will never forget
the old song ""alouette"":
mother sang me to sleep, on a lark.
"
"alabaster's a ten-dollar word
most americans only have heard
in some lines penned by bates ?
but darn few in the states
know it's gypsum; now ain't that absurd?
"
"in a city with street after street,
walk from each to the next one you meet.
the natives will talk
of the blocks that you walk;
it's more useful than measuring feet.
"
"it was hard-won, the race run by tyler,
known well as the fleetest half-miler.
as he broke through the wire,
he turned 'round to admire
its two lines ? wound together, bifilar.
"
"i really should call my masseuse;
i subjected my back to abuse.
chopping wood's a mistake;
all my vertebrae ache,
but a backrub will get me all loose.
"
"in glasgow, a fellow named phyfe
went to buy some supplies with his wife;
they bought nappies and pins,
bibs and formula tins;
bairn necessities, for a new life.
"
"in the wake of the blast underground,
they went looking for gas tanks unsound.
but the tanks weren't fat ?
they were empty and flat:
'twas acetylene tanks that they found.
"
"i was twenty ? i'm now twenty-one.
another great year has begun.
'twas this date when my birth
brought me onto this earth.
it's my birthday!  now let's have some fun!
"
"a small-county justice apprises
his jurors, ""a problem arises:
they're upping the charge ?
this suit's much too large;
i'll try it in different assizes.""
"
"a little girl, ever so cute,
took a bite of an apple, minute.
when she turned down another,
her unwasteful mother
just shrugged and ate fore-bitten fruit.
"
"nutty-tasting liqueur amaretto,
taken neat, goes right down allegretto;
adding oj, you call
it instead ""boccie ball"":
it's so smooth that it's likely drunk stretto.
"
"it's more than a simple old fire ?
a blaze snaps and crackles much higher.
it can be an emotion
that conjures that notion;
example: ""a blaze of desire"".
"
"as a pig, i was nearly forsaken:
without the blue ribbon, i'm bacon.
charlotte did me up big,
in her web, spun ""some pig"",
saved my hide, but she left my heart achin'.
"
"some termites attacked, overran
a dolly much loved by louanne.
she plugged all the orifices,
said ""anthropomorphosis!""
poof! waved her wand, made a man.
"
"dactyl dave's whole career was kaput ?
went down flaming, in ashes and soot.
""not one limerick reader
will go for my meter;
i am certain there's something afoot.""
"
"the pitcher stares home and awaits
what his catcher, in signals, relates;
throws the ball, hears the shout,
""stee-rike three! you are out!""
it's the battery, one-two, they're mates.
"
"the old fellow went out for a stroll
every night, as though searching his soul.
his landlady'd shout,
""who's that prowling about?""
he'd reply, ""i'm the boarder patrol.""
"
"the mobster said, ""borrow it, will you?
our loan rate, alone, will not thrill you.
with interest compounded,
your fears are well founded.
the anatocism will kill you.""
"
"said bubba to jim bob, ""hey, hey! be
more careful when touching my baby!
i've washed her and waxed her;
it's time ta make tracks ter
the auto show.  come with me, jb.""
"
"said noah, ""now, just on a lark,
in a circle i'd like to embark ?
mathematically, smashin'!
in arcual fashion.""
(he'll sail in the path of an arc.)
"
"her young suitor once made the assumption
she'd marry him; such a presumption
you'd think would fall flat
but ""why, sure!"" she said ? that
goes to prove nothing beats forrest gumption.
"
"though perceived as a great place to play,
mother nature builds fences this way.
holding back the sea's reach
is a barrier beach,
a thin island twixt ocean and bay.
"
"""your skills at the table are skidding.
four diamonds? you've got to be kidding!
i'll upgrade your bridge;
get me beer from the fridge.
take this hand. count your points. do my bidding!""
"
"in a tony fifth avenue bootery,
i heard spoken, ""such upper-class snootery!""
this apt turn of phrase?
such an image conveys!
i remarked on her charming bijouterie.
"
"the rogue robbing rob is a robber,
and job's job could be filled by a jobber.
if instead of barb's coif,
bob's hair barber clips off,
should the bloke bobbing bob be called ... bobber?
"
"the tropical climate is fine;
for arthritis, i cheer the sun's shine.
the bingo's relaxing,
there's nothing too taxing:
let's hear it for florida!  (benign!)
"
"a blind man in london expresses
annoyance at envelope messes.
his post-office calling?
deciphering scrawling
to guess the addressees' addresses.
"
"he injured my ribs and my arm
with a certain malevolent charm.
he treated me rough,
but not grievous enough:
he did actual bodily harm.
"
"it's april in antrim and derry,
where steve, hunting orchids, is merry.
see, this is the reason:
it's adder's-grass season,
and steve's feeling purplish?very!
"
"""pantisocracy's ours for the taking!""
cried the weaver, his thimble a-quaking.
""when aspheterists win,
no more cloth shall i spin!
all the pants will be yours for the making!""
"
"if your weeds like to soak up the sun,
using atrazine frustrates their fun.
it was sprayed on the farms,
but it caused greater harms
to the farmers; today it's on none.
"
"in embryos, yolk cells are bigger.
""they're vegetal,"" other cells snigger.
""we'll rock and we'll roll
at our animal pole,
and divide like the dickens with vigor.""
"
"i bought from the bank an annuity:
an annually paid perpetuity.
the clerk, an ex-doorman,
complained, ""what's the score, man?
your paperwork's done?no gratuity?""
"
"afropavo congensis looks great.
this congolese peafowl will mate
with plumes that are splashy
and color that's flashy:
she's always dressed up for a date.
"
"the review might have happily ended
if not for the fine print appended.
some notes were adjoined
which revealed newly coined
interjections for ""not recommended.""
"
"the knave gave his date an anemone
which helped him exert his hegemony,
romantically speaking.
soon bedsprings were creaking
in his out-of-the-way agapemone.
"
"last hand: with abandon profuse,
nathaniel bet freely and loose.
""ace high,"" charlie smiled.
nat replied, ""two-spots wild,
pot's mine,"" turned one card, to adduce.
"
"a bostonian asian named babbage
cooked a dish of fresh bean sprouts and cabbage.
but he used too much soy
to prepare the bok choi,
so he threw the whole mess in the gabbage.
"
"old sunderlin had a long beard;
for decades it hadn't been sheared.
facial hair grew around
him and wound to the ground
'til one monday he just disappeared.
"
"his own son doth polonius send
out with words, ""lest you break with your friend,
don't extend him a cost,
money's not all that's lost:
don't you borrow, my boy, and don't lend.""
"
"there is art on the wall (for a start);
art archaic, like ""thou art so smart.""
art is skill at a game,
and there's art, carney's name;
so let's hit it! ""you've gotta have art!""
"
"the camp's full of jolly good fellows;
saul downs a few beers, and he mellows.
he's a taciturn guy,
'til the red embers die.
""now where's that damn blower?"" he bellows.
"
"a flying-trapeze man named keith
stayed aloft by a rope in his teeth.
he'd not much to say
'til his girlfriend, one day,
tossed his shorts to the netting beneath.
"
"said the spanish colonial, ""it's
these big dollars! they're giving me fits.
i'll cut them less large
so my barber can charge
for a shave and a haircut, two bits.""
"
"i'll take this advantage to claim
certain words often don't mean the same,
for advantage means more
playing tennis; the score
translates, ""take the next point ? win the game!""
"
"""though i hate to be so analytic,
it would seem that your pit's bacteritic.""
""well, how can you tell?""
""i can tell by the smell...""
""darn it, everyone thinks he's a critic.""
"
"if a choice, ""one"" or ""zero"", you've sought;
""yes"" or ""no"", then you've binary thought.
for a ""2"" there's no place,
if you try, you're off base;
don't you do it ? you'll just come to nought.
"
"my intestine endured a conniption
that felt like a dancing egyptian.
doc said, ""it's the curse of
your chili abstersive,""
and wrote me a little prescription.
"
"a way of improving a house is
to lighten the tensions of spouses.
a mousetrap is great,
but it always needs bait,
while the antetype cats still catch mouses.
"
"once ""a dolt!"" or ""a dunce!"" you could say
of a fool, but not now, not today.
so to id a kind
of subminiature mind,
do you morons think birdbrain's okay?
"
"though my flowers i love, you'll agree
anthophilian sure isn't ""me"";
in biology terms,
the descriptor affirms
flower lover, like thrips or a bee.
"
"on election night, lopez held court:
""it appears that we fell a bit short.
i'm truly sincere ?
you backstopped me here,
and i thank you for all your support.""
"
"just call it my final-year caper?
got a press, and some hot steamy vapor.
the best of my scams:
i ""borrowed"" exams,
and with pressure and steam, blocked the paper.
"
"a bold one he is, liam carney,
chasing every colleen in killarney.
he brags of his ""kills""
and his lovemaking skills,
but the girls in the town know it's blarney.
"
"it's considered illegal to sock
your opponent, if you are a jock.
if he wants to go there
then the rules say it's fair
not to punch, but to throw up a block.
"
"six on one end and three on the other.
nothing mates. play a two, please, you mother.
but my foe plays a five,
so his game's still alive,
'cause the boneyard's my turn: pick another.
"
"there once was a tennis man, schwartz,
who cared naught what was thought of his shorts.
so he looked 'bout as cute as
a guy in bermudas
could possibly look on the courts.
"
"in cities with streets upon streets,
and cross-streets, which each of them meets:
watch rectangles form
(not squares, as the norm)?
called blocks, as the pattern repeats.
"
"""our spinoff is carryin' its weight;
time to allocate funds, no debate.
what we need is a loan...
charlie? hand me that phone.
tinkers bank?... jacques lemond... all?, kate?""
"
"down the street there's a dog that's named benjy;
he belongs to the breed called basenji.
his demeanor transcends
a mere ""best of man's friends""
but his bark needs a sign saying ""n.g.""
"
"doll of paper, a cute little blonde,
passed a note to the gent.  ""please respond.
you've set me aflame
but i don't know your name.""
he replied, ""were i man, 'twould be bond.""
"
"it's on us; feel the stifling onus
of fixing the shipping room's slowness.
if we don't push some more
to get stuff out the door,
we'll get zilch for an end-of-year bonus.
"
"it will lift out my engine with ease.
set the boat on its trailer? a breeze.
with a good block and tackle,
i sidestep debacle.
(i love it for uprooting trees.)
"
"i could go by myself to a dance ?
find a girl, make an awkward advance.
but it's always, ""no date,
hon, you're too overweight;
if you're planning for later, fat chance!""
"
"a hazmat retiree named gene
took to cookery: tex-mex cuisine.
but to him what appeals
are leguminous meals;
in the end, he's become a haz-bean.
"
"to a sightless young lass, jim opined,
""you would make a great date ? would you mind?""
jim got pickled one night,
so she dared, in his plight,
walk him home, the blind leading the brined.
"
"""avast!"" bellowed captain mcfig.
""i'm the pirate ? and you're a mere pig.
to be stealing me rum
gains a yardarm for some;
if you're lucky, three months in the brig!""
"
"the wind's howling ? it sounds like a gale
(do you think they'll deliver the mail?).
this storm is perverse;
if it gets any worse,
it could end up a ""9"" (beaufort scale).
"
"triple strands side-by-side, you've arrayed;
tie a knot at one end that you've made.
move the ""mid"" over right;
move ""mid"" left and pull tight,
and repeat 'til you've fashioned a braid.
"
"whose are best?  i won't even take odds;
this is music that's fit for the gods.
i sit and i savor it:
it's chopin, my favorite
composer of classic ballades.
"
"each night i go out before dark,
take a stroll 'round the pond in the park.
since my mom thinks i gamble,
i get a pre-amble:
""you're sure to run into a shark!""
"
"""snagging woodchucks? i don't think he'll larn,""
observed ma.  pa replied, ""well, goldarn!
his shooting's so lousy,
don't fret 'bout the cows; he
can't shotgun the side of the barn.""
"
"just in case you have harbored the notion
there's no life on the floor of the ocean ?
deep divers find squads
of small amphipods
entrenched in perpetual motion.
"
"the flight-check technicians were last off.
the countdown baton had been passed off.
three cosmonauts waited
with breath much abated ?
did popov, andropov, and... blastoff!
"
"at the end of the bar ? it was her.
dressed to kill.  low cut dress, trimmed with fur.
as i moved to sit down,
i got punched by some clown.
after that it's all naught but a blur.
"
"the rec room was truly a wreck?
pizza boxes and all sorts of dreck.
the fun the kids had
made it passably bad,
but the cola spills everywhere? blecch!
"
"known as black knot, a fungal disease,
it likes cherries, at least cherry trees.
it encircles a branch
(it would sure make you blanch!)
like a life-ending, tourniquet squeeze.
"
"an inspection by captain mcewen
found some traces of firebugs' doin'.
stored weapons were burned
to a crisp, the man learned
while surveying the arsenal ruin.
"
"on the beach she sees constant reminders
of features more fair than i'd find hers.
so she says, ""hold your horses!""
her recourse, of course, is
to outfit my eyes with some blinders.
"
"laundried rooftops and chimneys to see,
and canals full of smelly debris ?
from astoria way
to the edge of the bay,
traffic crawls on the old bqe.
"
"my move should have caused him chagrin;
yet my rival said ""draw!"" with a grin.
well, let's pause and take stock:
i've created a block,
but this game is checkers?i win!
"
"a web-surfing wizard named liz
thought her store could use internet fizz;
she had lost some aplomb
when she found liz.com
was plum gone ?  but she's now liz.biz.
"
"annapolis sits by the bay
known as chesapeake (crab! fish fillet!).
it harbors a college
that ships naval knowledge
(and tosses its anchors aweigh?).
"
"an evangelist once turned up dead
in a region of china gone red.
robert welch formed a troop:
ultra-right-wing, this group;
anti-red are the birchers.  nuff said.
"
"is ""boredom"" your workaday strife?
does ""ennui"" portray time with your wife?
to relieve the monotony,
study some botany!
plants can add spice to your life.
"
"a captain of business named aaron
squeezed the workforce for profits, uncarin'.
the workers arose,
stripped him clean to his clothes;
now he goes by the name robber barren.
"
"in the calculus match, they were tested;
and the favorites, the hometown team bested.
there were parties, parades,
and the mayor's brigades;
in the aftermath, steven then rested.
"
"i was looking to jazz up my biscuit
with sauce and a fresh slice of brisket.
my wife said, ""but how
could you hazard 'mad cow'?""
i replied, ""for this treat i shall risk it.""
"
"the late, luckless barfly, jim lear,
was waked 'round the first of the year.
friends, in passing the stiff,
thought they heard a soft sniff,
and observed, ""he's still cry'n' in his bier.""
"
"you've a fluid, like somebody drinks,
or like sewage that patently stinks;
just put to avail an
areometer's scale, an'
that helps you find out if it sinks.
"
"the birds, ornithologists say,
have warm blood and a feathered array;
they stand on two legs,
and they breed via eggs
that they guard with their lives night and day.
"
"i went out to a vet in manhasset,
and came home with what looks like a basset.
we go walking for sport:
though its legs are real short
it still takes me an hour to pass it.
"
"le mus?e showed concern; they were driven
by the fear of another limb riven.
and so to make peace,
venus signed a release
as ""old armless"", the name she'd been given.
"
"there once was a man from milan
who saw hexagons hither and yon.
there were pentagons, too,
duodeca's, a few,
'til one night, he, in fright, yelled, ""begone!""
"
"blofeld's girlfriend said, ""james, come to me;
tie me up, twist my heart, spike my tea.
a cia fighter
might make demands lighter,
but bondage is better with thee.""
"
"an act of the congress could free
an activist newsman or three;
but if they're inactive,
i'd find this attractive:
enact a vacation for me.
"
"when you visit a faraway country,
your habits may seem an effrontery.
what's normal at home
might affront one in rome;
in japan, don't drink bud, ask for suntory.
"
"floral complements augment the spell
of a fancy occasion, so tell
her the touch for a gent
at a black-tie event:
tuck a boutonniere in his lapel.
"
"an eructative, boorish old twerp
drank his soup with an audible slurp,
dribbled food on his tie,
pinched the girl serving pie,
then sat back and released a loud burp.
"
"there was an old pirate named hank:
wooden leg, wore a patch, and he stank.
and he barked, ""all make way!
i've a hangin' today,
and me pal's got some gals for the plank!""
"
"her fine reputation was tarred
in their ads, by the ""liberal"" card.
they'd been sure of the meanings
of bleeding heart leanings.
(she'd praised the pink plants in her yard.)
"
"transposition trades places in text;
while a juxtaposition puts next.
but ""insertion"", the station
called interpolation
is between.  are you fully perplexed?
"
"the magician waved scarves fringed with gold.
then he tied them together and rolled
them up tight in a ball,
with a knife cut them all,
squeezed the pieces, tossed scarves, cried, ""behold!""
"
"the carpenter had a small fit?
the drill always wobbled a bit.
so a bitstock he found,
to spin the drill 'round;
braced his language, too?kept it legit.
"
"it's a word that is awfully plain:
an auxiliary verb, in the main.
the four-letter been
isn't be now, but then,
participial in form.  how mundane!
"
"need a substance achieving some end?
what's available doesn't contend?
mix some x and some y;
traits of both, you'll descry,
will appear in a well-chosen blend.
"
"a belt's not required to dance,
but you ought to leave nothing to chance.
with a few belts of scotch,
a fine yuppie named koch
went to bed and woke up without pants.
"
"want fresh cream on your back-country spread?
buy some guernseys ? for milk they've been bred.
for a barbecue treat,
though, you'd really want meat.
raise some beef cattle (angus!) instead.
"
"""spend the night?"" ""take the barn,"" said the farmer,
""but my daughter ? be sure you don't harm her.""
well, his wife's been to school,
knows the jokes, is no fool,
so the daughter wears full-body armor.
"
"missed the putt, the cup inches beyond;
there was only one way to respond:
he was crushed at this stage,
in a childish blind rage?
all his clubs ended up in the pond.
"
"the home team is gonna get trounced;
just this moment, the umpire announced
that the manager, pitcher,
and infielders which're
out fighting are gonna get bounced.
"
"6 p.m., something's wrong with the books.
8 p.m., last review: two more looks.
9 p.m., blow the whistle
on the bosses; well this'll
be 6 a.m. news: caught the crooks.
"
"sam had thought that the fence would be higher
'round the apple trees schoolboys admire;
but he got, climbing over,
a shock, and moreover,
a gash from the splash of barbed wire!
"
"since the folks at the circus had signed her
to close things, she'd been through the grinder.
she'd be fine: the detail
of the plan for the sale
was laid out in a new three-ring binder.
"
"from the start his new film was ill-fated,
with a plot and a theme understated.
despite his renown
it received a thumbs down;
both director and film were berated.
"
"a butterfly's great to behold:
wings of orange and black, or of gold;
but it poisoned the palate,
employed in the ballot
floridians used to unfold.
"
"cut a snowflake in half, east to west;
top and bottom will match.  now, you've guessed
when you cut south to north,
there's a match of each fourth.
snow's biaxial, shown by this test.
"
"""this porcelain's the work of a thief.
it's embellished with paint!"" was his beef.
too bad that my friend
threw it out in the end,
for that stupid old ""fool's gold"" belief.
"
"the light might as well have been pink:
mostly off ? an occasional wink.
i'll paint you a graphic:
the cop steering traffic
said, ""somehow the thing's on the blink.""
"
"we sat at the campfire, in turn
making comments on what we might learn.
with a penchant for fustian,
she called it combustion,
while i said, ""we're watching it burn.""
"
"i asked of a trail guide of swissness,
""why rescue the chumps of remissness?""
""it really ain't purty ?
in fact's rather dirty ?
it's not fun, but it pays: it's abyss ness.""
"
"though i can't tell a dong from a ding,
let my cross be the passion to sing.
i need to croon merry,
my life-bowl's a cherry;
ba-da-boom, ba-da-ba, ba-da-bing!
"
"i've an uncle who takes evening ambles
with his dog, who's addicted to gambols.
rover sniffed out a hare,
chased it down to its lair;
uncle pete's stuck with thorns from the brambles.
"
"they really must think i'm a fool...
silly things that they teach you in school.
an axophyte ('hem!)
is a plant with a stem!
then i noticed, how green is my pool.
"
"in computers, performance is king;
pay attention to each little thing.
use beryllium-copper ?
you won't come a cropper
when contacts require some spring.
"
"i've a business that's yielded amounts
of net profits i dare not announce.
so i've buried my tracks
to avoid paying tax;
hope the feds don't dig up those accounts.
"
"my dog had a tail: 'twas so small, it
was closer to nothing at all; it
might be an appendage,
but, lacking in splendage,
appendicle's more what you'd call it.
"
"someone's said captain kidd was so lame
as a pirate, his legend's a shame.
to bear out this story
would wear out his glory
so stet his notorious name.
"
"time for class; as i stepped from the dorm,
snow was blowing ? i tried to keep warm:
pulled my parka in tight,
turned the collar up, right
'gainst the blistery wind of the storm.
"
"having drawn all the strength he could muster,
he threatened a long filibuster;
the chairman replied,
""if you try it, you're fried,
and i do not appreciate bluster.""
"
"her trials, her romance, her strife ?
his friendships, his journeys, his wife;
some writers will traffic
in books biographic:
non-fiction detailing a life.
"
"from his billfold, a guy named macgyver
pulled a twenty, two tens, and a fiver.
""if you guess what i've got,
i'll buy drinks for the lot,
so i don't drink myself.  i'm the driver.""
"
"""this hospital desk should be cleaner!""
""could your gossipy tongues be much keener?""
his assaults on the pride
of the nurses belied
his professional bedside demeanor.
"
"""for painting the back of the shed,
or for hitting the nail on the head,
right-handed's no charm:
i would give my left arm
to become ambidextrous,"" he said.
"
"though ailing, the bride didn't falter
as she went to meet walt at the altar.
the alterative she used
was so good that she cruised
down the aisle and applied walter's halter.
"
"made of heavy imported brocade,
our bedcover's neatly arrayed
at the base of the bed;
we should spread it instead,
but we don't, 'cause the bed's never made!
"
"a bemuscled young man from virginny
fell in love with a lady built ""mini"".
""go out for a whirl?"" he
was told, ""you're too burly.""
he lost forty pounds.  that's the skinny.
"
"an adonic young fellow named brad
banks his sperm as a surrogate dad.
biologically speaking,
he'll someday go seeking
the children he'll never have had.
"
"each morning i get up quite early.
at that moment you'll find me quite surly,
'til, coffee in hand,
on the front porch i land
drawing smoke from my pipeful of burley.
"
"""what's for breakfast? some toast? nah, too small.
maybe grapefruit?... too cold! it's the fall!
well, an egg?... yeah, not bad...""
""listen, mom, what's with dad?""
""it's just dad's breakfast waffle, that's all.""
"
"the piano has played many rolls
(that's rolls, which are sort of like scrolls)
over time, with a player:
a famous purveyor,
aeolian, made music with holes.
"
"with a thunk and a clunk and a crash,
you would empty your coal stove of ash.
having ash cans about
let you haul the ash out;
but today they most likely hold trash.
"
"the bell is the captain's (not ship's),
and he rings it (for help with the grips).
when the luggage looms large
it's the bell captain's charge
to dispatch it through bellboys (for tips).
"
"""what happened to all of the flowers,""
said jenny, ""that fill up my hours?""
""i just cut the lawn;
now your plants are all gone,""
tom said, balefully, ""piled up in towers.""
"
"poor beginnings defied routine fates;
solid endings won weighty debates.
mr. lincoln stood tall
to conciliate all ?
ably guiding these united states.
"
"fiction's masterful villains of crime
find a glock or an uzi sublime.
a pistol called burp gun ?
no old wyatt earp gun ?
spits bullets a bunch at a time.
"
"i once knew an aardvark, ren?;
""i'm really an rdvrk,"" he'd say.
""your spelling is tainted,
you anteater. ain't it
quite hard to pronounce it?"" ""no way!""
"
"i went down by the river to jog,
saw some ferns, and jumped over a log;
there my shoes were enslurped,
stickied, spongied, and burped
by the damp, grasping, hoover-esque bog.
"
"when my life's work is done, i just wanna
move on to post-mortem nirvana.
a razor's a mess;
the right mushroom's a guess,
so i think i'll ingest belladonna.
"
"my words landed hard, with a thud.
""if you please, sir, your speech was a dud.
i'd have to be barmy
to sign with the army
when navy runs thick in my blood.""
"
"we can all feel the temperature drops
on the train, as the doors count the stops.
since the blower stopped blowing
my blue veins are showing:
i'm sitting here freezing my chops.
"
"an elderly pair, ros and sid,
never quite understood what they did.
by sixty, your gut
says you should be done, but
they're apparently having a kid.
"
"my inbox is stuffed to the gills
each month with insufferable ills.
here's a plan i've divined:
every mailbox i find
gets a sign with this line: ""post no bills.""
"
"let's make ice cream! we'll eat and make merry!
flavored how? maybe some kind of berry?
though the hardwood, my dear,
makes a gorgeous veneer,
use the fruit, not the wood, of black cherry.
"
"""beachfront hideaway!"" promised the line
that caught eyes in the way it caught mine.
we were duped, since the land
was three miles from the sand;
but next hurricane, things will be fine.
"
"twixt ocean and swale's warm embrace
stand the sandhills, the dunes, sculptured grace.
facing winds and the tide
(and some storms on the side)?
tufts of beach grass hold dunes in their place.
"
"i was gonna make muffins, when ""ooh!""
i had run out of fiber; i flew
to the shop, whereupon
all the ""good stuff"" was gone ?
so the store bran would just have to do.
"
"if they can't sell a shot at the pub,
then brown bagging it makes a good sub.
when you're looking to fix her
a drink, buy their mixer,
and add your own booze at the club.
"
"he sent her a note from afar:
""you're the zing to unstring my guitar;
you make my voice quaver?
please do me a favor:
let's rest at the twenty-fourth bar.""
"
"playing russian roulette really stank
'gainst a scatterbrained gambler named hank.
he wasn't uptight ?
knew he'd live through the night.
when his turn came, his mind drew a blank.
"
"at a contest with truffles to dig,
i showed up with my miniature pig.
with his zest he impressed;
he would best all the rest.
they said, ""oh, what a show! this one's big!""
"
"though tradition says red is the clay,
it can also be brown, tan, or gray.
molded square, fist-sized thick,
oven-fired, makes a brick.
build a house out of bricks, it'll stay.
"
"an m.i.t. grad, name of jimbo,
for his sins was committed to limbo.
""i'm suff'ring,"" he cried,
""for i'm forced to reside
with a scatterbrained, sex-hungry bimbo!""
"
"""i'm the worst kind of bad desperado;
'show mercy to none' is my motto!""
as this sentence was said,
he was shot full of lead
by some dudes who ignored his bravado.
"
"he was viewed as a bastard by some ?
and this candidate came off as dumb.
but he said, ""from that crowd
there's no questions allowed;
i will brook no debate from that scum!""
"
"the molding was lifting, a tad.
had to fix it before it went bad.
a fastener, thin,
not a nail, not a pin;
""how 'bout this?"" said my son. ""use a brad!""
"
"i went down to the store for a bed,
but the store was sold out; so instead
i was offered a steal
on the next discount deal.
""let's let buy-gones be bygones,"" he said.
"
"a cry that is meant to disturb'll
bring mom ere a child becomes verbal.
but then, joy of joys ?
he discovers the noise
of the blurps and the chirps we call burble.
"
"i don't want you to feel your toes stub ?
but you've served up a devilish flub.
that frame round the glass
through which watch numbers pass
is a bezel, and not beezle,  bub!
"
"i've a den to remodel and furnish;
i'd like wainscot and leather, quite sternish.
not a place to relax ?
i'll have woodwork to wax
and scads of brass fittings to burnish.
"
"when jack made me sad, made me cry,
for revenge, i got wrapped up with sy.
my dad waved his gun,
said, ""you're marryin' her, son!""
i'm a blunderbuss ? kissed the wrong guy!
"
"the bail bondsman had to respond
to this note from the suspect lemond:
""i've no money at all ? it's
your whatchamacallits
i need."" his reply: ""the name's bond.""
"
"should a ""someone"" love eleanor truly, an'
she has only one lover, named julian ?
then julian's he,
and true his love be
(a tautologous statement most boolean!).
"
"though it borders on anecdotes corny,
there's a pub for old goats who are horny.
it's ye olde billy club;
cops will give you a drub
if the bleats of the gals sound too porny.
"
"in the modernist trend to pc,
christian tenets are not qed.
no one sect to promote,
it's correct now to note
dates bc are now marked bce.
"
"from the west came a small delegation
to meet chiefs of the east occupation.
they sat in debate
on how best to create
bizonal control of the nation.
"
"for biconical shape, take a cone;
place one more, point-to-point, like a bone.
thus bow-tie arrayed,
an antenna is made,
for the super-high-frequency zone.
"
"""robert's cherries"" was quick with the clearance
for experts (without interference)
to study their trees
and the fungal disease
that engendered their blackish appearance.
"
"let the proles (not the pigs) get their share?
in newspeak, that's thoughtcrime, you'll swear.
(from the pen of george orwell.
i could say much more, well ?
i'll say he was born eric blair.)
"
"vegetarians sometimes might find
that a supplement's good for their kind;
b12 vitamin serves
to build blood and build nerves,
but with ""animal"" foods it's aligned.
"
"it's a congress of scruples bereft;
cutting taxes for rich guys ? it's theft,
while their help-the-poor program
looks more like a pogrom.
(go on; call me bleeding-heart left.)
"
"it would seem we'd a shortage of brawn;
not yet home, and we started to yawn.
no oases, bazaars,
we lay under the stars
where, impromptu, we bivouacked 'til dawn.
"
"i love a debate, won't deny it;
strict harmony's not in my diet.
but i won't bear a rant or
tirade; let's just banter.
playful words are less apt to disquiet.
"
"when you undertake large works of art,
working small's not the way if you're smart.
don't start painting; don't etch;
kick it off with a sketch.
block in sizeable figures to start.
"
"no beaches in moonlight for us,
we must quiet our appetites thus:
in the back of a tram,
join our lips (thank you, ma'am!),
seal our love with the old crosstown buss.
"
"those keeping our atmosphere clean'll
keep watch; are their lawmakers venal?
the perps will avow
there's no sweat on their brow
over little old things like biphenyl.
"
"a bisulfide, a compound, possesses
two sulfurs, a chemist assesses.
cs2's used to shape
things like cellophane tape
and the rayon that softens your dresses.
"
"biorhythm's a cyclical state
that determines on some given date
whether any proclivity
bursts into activity,
or spirit begins to abate.
"
"from an elderly baker named schlegel,
a kiss might elicit a bagel;
but in brooklyn's back alleys,
gals knew his bialys
were always the best to inveigle.
"
"little girl, don't use all of your might,
for you can't skip a rope if it's tight.
stand relaxed in the middle,
give just a small twiddle,
and jump at the oncoming bight.
"
"the candidate laid out his goals,
which critics then shot full of holes.
some wag said with mirth
he'd end up like the earth:
sort of applanate ? squooshed at the poles.
"
"by national instinct we vie
to buy national home-grown supply.
but the new one-world order
moves products cross-border;
binational neighbors thus buy.
"
"while doodling around with my pens,
i drew something that looked like a lens.
it was hollowed each side
)like, biconcave(.  i tried
to perceive it as backwards parens.
"
"pasqual, an old concert-hall dweller,
had a voice critics labeled as stellar.
he would sing songs del mundo
in basso profundo,
a range somewhere down in the cellar.
"
"in the bleak, blank despair of my room,
my mind weaves a scent of perfume.
i so long for the spring-
time that pulls my heart's string:
i'm nostalgic: bialystok in bloom.
"
"at the party i sought out my host.
""do you think i could find me some toast?
plus tomato, and bacon,
and lettuce? i'm makin'
a sandwich that bests any roast.""
"
"an ambitious young yuppie named daryl
felt an image took more than apparel.
he purchased a hummer,
which sure was a bummer;
he found he'd need fuel by the bbl.
"
"our community mayor's a clown:
the new library budget's shot down.
but i'll still find a tome
in a place near my home
when the bookmobile rolls into town.
"
"i stop at the ""t"" in distress;
north or south? flip a coin, more or less.
""kingston,"" one arrow reads;
says the other, ""to leeds,""
so i can't go to catskill, i guess.
"
"stuffing rocks in a box for a bit,
i had filled it with all i could fit.
i warily eyed
the bulge in its side ?
one more stone, it seemed likely to split.
"
"the caveman, with hands that were deft,
flaked a flint on each side, right and left.
this biface provides
the same view from both sides,
and a hatchet that has a nice heft.
"
"my brown eyes are softness profound;
the depths of her brown eyes, renowned.
my dad, seeing baby
was blue-eyed, said, ""maybe
that's good: not the other way 'round!""
"
"i keep my sand fenced out of reach;
i charge sunbathers twelve dollars each
for a luxury spot
on my oceanfront lot.
you'll admit i'm one son of a beach.
"
"from their perches atop ladders tall,
fathers chatted on matters quite small.
here's what mr. jones penned,
their bilateral end:
one must never dismantle the wall.
"
"if you're king of an oil-rich state,
or an empress, like catherine the great,
when you visit d.c.,
your hotel will be free ?
stay at blair house; you can't beat the rate!
"
"""it's the vitamin e, why i roister!""
she replied, ""you belong in a cloister,
sequestered from view.""
""have a bluepoint or two!""
so she ate a few.  ""world, you're my oyster!""
"
"""if we don't get our money,"" they yell,
""by the end of the month, there'll be hell!""
but the mail could be slow
or delayed ? they won't know,
so a backdated check should work well.
"
"elmer fudd saw his prey, went to grab it,
then said, ""hey, i don't think yaw a wabbit.
though yaw awfuwwy funny
dwessed up wike a bunny,
yaw in the wawng stowy, dagnabbit!""
"
"it might be a five or thirteen,
or an integer somewhere between.
the numbers we count
to describe an amount
are the cardinals, values pristine.
"
"""feed the poor!"" says our club, more or less,
but some bylaws could aid our largesse.
our short constitution
defines distribution
but makes ""destitution"" a guess.
"
"it's not baubles and bangles that rate;
it's your family and friends, and your mate.
no win in the lottery,
just fine camaraderie
will get you through life feeling great.
"
"with technologies splitting off midstream,
it's every computerized kid's dream
to buzz round the world
on a network empearled,
with bazillions of words all in bitstream.
"
"once a beefeater's duties begin
on each day, he won't smile, he won't grin;
he won't lose his grip
on his stiff upper lip.
(but at night he'll do right by his gin.)
"
"marble domes one can see from a mile;
massive works of mosaical tile;
i descried no relief
in its look on my brief
introduction to byzantine style.
"
"sales are brisk and the management's thrilled,
but we've orders that go unfulfilled;
the schedules all say
that today is the day
we begin on our quarterly build.
"
"a choirman sang out a carol,
clad in naught but an old whiskey barrel;
he'd thought his appearance
might earn some endearance,
but a drunk carried off his apparel.
"
"the band started playing ""la bamba""
so i kicked up a passionate samba.
my girlfriend said, ""oy!
that's a cha-cha, old boy!
dinchu never take dance? ai, caramba!""
"
"joel grey played a sleazy emcee;
hosted cabaret shticks with great glee,
with his spellbinding guise
and his warm beady eyes,
singing ""beadily, deedily, dee.""
"
"if the gas gauge reads ""e"" in your hummer ?
flunked three courses; it's school for the summer ?
you've two months left of life ?
been cut off by your wife ?
no two ways: without doubt, it's a bummer.
"
"after dinner, we'd both had our fill
but no check, and i looked hard at will.
""i won't let you get stuck ?
you've been down on your luck,
and 'twas i ate the duck. where's the bill?""
"
"it's not wendy's in little kids' eyes,
nor mcdonald's, though that may surprise.
at times they want treats
of flame-broiled eats
and repeats of bk chicken fries.
"
"""stir your drink, sir?"" ? but james bond demurred.
""you should know that it's shaken, not stirred!
though it sounds rather picky,
i once stirred a mickey,
and woke up, my vision all blurred.""
"
"in her vineyard she parked an old pumper
to grow grapes that were sweeter and plumper.
with water to spare,
so much fruit the vines bear,
that her crop can be classified bumper.
"
"fuddled lust for the gals is disturbin',
but imbibin' he won't soon be curbin'.
what makes him so frisky
is tennessee whiskey
(or kentucky-made premium bourbon).
"
"my ferrari's my pride and my joy,
but at two hundred grand ? winter? oy!
so it's back in the box
(the garage, up on blocks),
to protect such a valuable toy.
"
"that officer's manner is tacky,
a disgrace to the cut of his khaki;
for promotions to earn 'll
nose up to the colonel ?
a butt-kissing, bootlicking lackey.
"
"there are small letters: q, r, and j.
and we've capitals: c, b, and a.
i should follow the rules
taught to children in schools
but my caps lock's been stuck the whole day!
"
"an aging first-baseman named jake
didn't care for poached salmon or steak ?
spent his life on the hunt
for a major-league bundt:
it's a hit ? it's a doughnut-shaped cake.
"
"reproduction by alternate means
sounds like test tubes are merging your genes.
but when life's pictures fade
it's your camera that's made
perfect copies of notable scenes.
"
"i must have done something to peeve her.
(where's my spaniel? my golden retriever?)
my bird dogs can flush
any ""bird"" from the brush.
(if she doesn't come home, can i leave her?)
"
"the minstrel sings near where we sit:
""beef stock spiced, broth to simmer a bit.""
so i ask, ""is that art?""
he replies, hands apart,
""no, it's just a soup song of my wit.""
"
"""the word balun won't stay in my head.
can you help me remember it, fred?""
""this transformer came
to be known by that name
'cause it's balanced/unbalanced,"" he said.
"
"our project's about to unravel;
some censure is sure for your cavil.
that petty objection
has stirred disaffection ?
and quick is the chair with his gavel.
"
"nasty allergies?i've had my fill;
doctor gives me a shot and a pill.
stuffy ears, mouth so dry,
pounding head, puffy eye;
if it only had just been a drill.
"
"a food-business chemist named paul
suffered stomach-aches giant and small.
he brewed up a drink
made with spearmint and zinc;
said, ""this betterment benefits all.""
"
"hmmm.  a snack to enhance my campari.
to the waiter, ""what's this?"" ""well, i'm sorry.
though really a squid
(i'm not kidding you, kid),
it sounds better if called calamari.""
"
"as i stood up to exit the train,
an old geezer nearby called, in pain,
""i'm just feeble, not sick.
would you grab me that stick?""
i leaned over and gave him his cane.
"
"scaly skin? build your healthy-look bias in
a diet you'll really feel pious in.
eat your vitamin bs;
ward off dermal disease
with a proper consumption of niacin.
"
"come the end of the race, he would win,
then sit down on the ground with a grin:
""think i'll take a few naps
'til it's time for my schnapps;
i'm about to collapse, i'm all in.""
"
"i'm out with suzanne, about eight,
at a pub that's romantic, sedate,
when in strolls ""clark gable"";
he sits at our table:
a bird dog, he's after my date.
"
"alternative (yet one more way)
sets a minimum tax (usa).
if deductions account
for low tax, this amount
(amt) guarantees we'll still pay.
"
"she's as nervous as nervous can be ?
the audition gave no guarantee.
she's awaiting the callback,
afraid she will fall back
to waitressing tables for me.
"
"the cellist, with delicate bowing,
played a melody, smooth, easygoing:
cantabile feeling,
serenely appealing,
like singing, or streams gently flowing.
"
"a birdbath is apt to befuddle
a bird that might land to demuddle.
most often, i think,
birds will stop there to drink;
but for bathing, they'll go to a puddle.
"
"for a light in the night or the vapor,
set a match to a twisted-up paper.
but short life detracts,
so with wick and with wax
make a candle, a tea light, or taper.
"
"up at amtrak they've got a nice fella
who will swear that performance is stella.
from d.c. to beantown
and each in-between town,
they're sure that this train is acela.
"
"at the entrance i stopped with a start:
""that nameplate sets caesar apart!""
said the senator, ""shoosh!
he adores the cartouche.
the adornment's a fine work of art.""
"
"mobile missiles to mount an attack.
and he tried to give daddy the whack.
gas smelling like mustard.
all reasons, george blustered.
casus belli:  the whys of iraq.
"
"balantidium's one protozoan
that in entrails of swine might be growin'.
in your own, it's not dull, sirs ?
digestive-tract ulcers
or worse you could be undergoin'.
"
"as a smoker i never get bored;
i have hundreds of pipes in my hoard.
as i tidily wipe
my best calabash pipe
i decide that i'm out of my gourd.
"
"when re-entry from space was at stake,
the craft pulled along in its wake
a bizarre parachute-
like balloon called ballute
that scooped rarefied air, played the brake.
"
"dancer tanya said, ""lately it feels
i'm an instrument, head to my heels
(a string 'here', two strings 'there').""
and then she, with a flair,
moved her balalaika bucket of eels.
"
"a crystal, though small and demure,
had been chosen, because it was pure,
to descend with a flair
to the ground at times square.
'twas a big-time engagement, for sure.
"
"no one peeks at my cheeks, i will vouch;
when she grabs at my abs, i say, ""ouch!""
bodybuilding's no art
to my taste, with my heart
(as i munch on some chips on the couch).
"
"unlike ribbon, or shag, or a flake,
some tobacco arrives in a cake.
take a slice from the whole,
rub it out, fill your bowl,
but you smoke it ? it's not made to bake!
"
"""no id when she happened to die.
a corpse derelicti,"" said i.
""i've done this cadaver,
you cut-up ? you have her.""
""rest in pieces,"" his only reply.
"
"an inveterate pothead named nick
bought a kilo of grass (that's a ""brick"").
his dog found his stash,
ate the pot and some hash;
if he ever comes down he'll feel sick.
"
"in dissecting my mind's aberration
i've uncovered a simple salvation.
personality splits:
at the job one mind sits;
to the beach goes its mate ? bilocation!
"
"if you hear people talk of benzine,
then benzene might well be what they mean.
or it could be they've found
other solvents around,
and it may be just plain gasoline*.
"
"in the labrador lifestyle he'd chosen,
clarence birdseye went sticking his nose in?
why'd food there taste finer
than home in a diner?
back in brooklyn, he cooked up ""flash-frozen"".
"
"young goldilocks, 'bout whom you've read,
had lain down, when she jumped up and said:
""it's set me to giggling,
my mattress is wriggling,
some bawdy's been jiggling my bed!""
"
"every wildcatter hopes to behold
the wild spatter of riches untold.
the chatter in camp: it's
the lore of the clampetts
that's sold them on striking black gold.
"
"with a manse overlooking l.a.,
you're the sort to support a valet.
a bellpull will summon
your butler to come in
to see what you need right away.
"
"in darwinian days, we're assumin'
walking tall helped to see danger loomin'.
a kangaroo'd dare
move with arms in the air ?
it's a biped, and so is a human.
"
"it seemed right, at the time, that i thank her;
but as it turned out, i should spank her.
in a coupla days more
i developed a sore ?
said the doc, ""that's a pretty mean canker.""
"
"manuel undertook to corral
some banditos to ""take"" the canal.
but the government got
pungent wind of this plot
and proceeded to thwart the cabal.
"
"an old preacher in nashville named ben
drew ay-mens from his congregants when
he concluded, ""go out
with resolve strong and stout:
be believers, not doubters, eh, men?""
"
"a loser named theodore krupp
often slipped twixt the lip and the cup.
if a choice came along
'tween a right and a wrong,
he'd be certain to bollix it up.
"
"a woodworker out on the cape
turned knickknacks that looked out of shape.
his blade seemed okay,
but the spindle ? no way!
""my arbor's been bent ? that's just grape!""
"
"does the cat's boxed behavior allow
an alternative consequence? (wow!)
if he's holding his breath,
he might not die his death,
snubbing erwin ? that's one cat's meow!
"
"when guerrillas plant bombs in the sand,
and marauders buy guns on demand,
it's not novel sedition,
but redefinition
of tactics once linked to black hand.
"
"the broadcasting schedule was filled,
so they ordered my program be killed.
a cablecast, though,
might deliver my show;
if they sign it, my fans will be thrilled.
"
"one night a bold burglar named bonham
found a hell of a hound set upon him.
he'd made plenty an entry,
not seen any sentry,
but missed the small sign: cave canem.
"
"a whistler at work gave me pause ?
what's the opposite word for ""applause""?
so while holding my nose
i made noises like crows.
(i've been told i was fired for cause.)
"
"sing a song to your lover; feel free
to romance 'bout the isle of capri.
it will always seem strange
for the lyrics would change
when my dad sang ""a pile of debris.""
"
"at the end of a half-a-mile tramp
through a wood where the ground's much too damp,
my wife, kids, and dog
and i sat on a log,
mouth agape at the lean-to.  that's camp!
"
"if he uttered a word, she would cough ?
clever thought? she'd do nothing but scoff.
this symbolic castration
was no aberration,
as potent as cutting them off.
"
"an inquisitive young'un named darryl
was intrigued by the bung in a barrel.
a library visit
resolved his ""what is it?""
a whiz it was, done in a carrel.
"
"my book seemed to be rather small,
so my publisher gave me a call.
""it seems your computer
needs an ace troubleshooter ?
drops text and it don't caret all.""
"
"as the wheel of a wagon goes 'round,
a gymnast can spin 'cross the ground.
limbs fully extended,
a cartwheel is splendid
(with none of the cart's squeaky sound).
"
"""what's that thing called?""  i don't mean to mock her,
but my girlfriend seemed quite off her rocker.
i laughed, ""holy moley!
the pad that a goalie
blocks pucks with is simply a blocker.""
"
"my dear spouse of three decades, white-knuckled,
shouted, ""fasten your seatbelt!"" i chuckled,
""it's just down the street.""
""it's your maker you'll meet!""
like a dutiful husband, i buckled.
"
"turning steering a bit to the right
shouldn't need an abundance of might.
you just need to master
the concept of caster,
(but power assist makes it trite).
"
"by the pool at my house in lantana
i erected a yellow cabana.
it serves as our shelter
from rain or sun's swelter,
and looks like a giant banana.
"
"early tire wear making you frown?
get your wheels checked, the next trip to town.
the camber's the pitch,
or the angle, at which
the wheel isn't straight up and down.
"
"if a number declares what is what,
then the opposite says what is not.
1's complement runs
ones to noughts, noughts to ones.
clean becomes full of dirt; cold goes hot.
"
"though the typewriter concept is stale,
they're still useful for some types of mail.
to ensure labels flatten
and stay 'gainst the platen,
remember to flip down the bail.
"
"the bird books will give me a spec
for the shoulders (the base of the neck).
those short feathers, on fowl
like a duck or an owl,
are the cape, if you get down and check.
"
"""'bout that feller who's hangin' with mary,""
the godfather said, ""i'd be wary ?
we're better off dead
if he sings to a fed.
you know how i hate a canary.""
"
"new year's eve's a tradition perennial?
party twice between markers biennial.
by any old measure,
come december i'll treasure
my part in year 6 bimillennial.
"
"bivalent suggests room for two:
o or s, two electrons too few;
or an antigen might
plug an alternate site.
twin or double? perhaps with a view?
"
"at my window, i think that i'll never
grasp the breadth of my corporate endeavor.
one building? no ? eight
on a parklike estate:
it's a campus that goes on forever!
"
"on a cruise from vancouver to nome,
our son leaves his stateroom to roam.
he's constantly crabbin' ?
""so tiny a cabin!""
the next time we're leaving him home.
"
"on a floor made of sawdust, compressed,
or ceramic, or pine that's distressed,
whether plush wall-to-wall
or a rug in the hall,
a carpet makes each look well-dressed.
"
"in a cave or a mine, there's no light;
it's the same when you're cycling at night.
where it's cold, dark, and damp,
the antique carbide lamp
burns a flame that's amazingly bright.
"
"on the water there's no one who'll care
if i think of my yacht as a lair.
below decks is a cabin
for kissin' and grabbin'.
in time we will come up for air.
"
"hang a rope from a tree to a tree;
watch the cable of cable tv.
you'd be wont to remark
they hang down in an arc.
catenary's the curve that you see.
"
"in bridge-building don't you go wrong.
build foundations; the river is strong.
in this room you will spot 'em:
the men dig the bottom;
the caissons go roiling along.
"
"hearing snickers and rustling and banter
(are we struck by a tenor enchanter?),
the master looked 'round
for the source of odd sound.
""i think there's some whine in de cantor.""
"
"wrigley's gum, never being outdone,
mixed up pepper- and spear- mints for fun.
these two flavors so placed
made it biune in taste,
as certs says: ""two-two-two mints in one.""
"
"bill and sue got caught up in amour-dom.
he was hers and she so much adored him.
but fourteen months after ?
they ran out of laughter;
they'd nothing in common but boredom.
"
"a neighbor i hold in regard
told me ducks had been seen in my yard.
eyes and ears toward out back,
neither webbed feet nor quack ?
i concluded 'twas just a canard.
"
"an aspiring soprano from dallas
gave a concert or two at the palace.
said the queen, ""i've a fear
that it isn't my ear;
prima donna you're not; call me callous.""
"
"it's a neighborhood prim and austere
that the lambdas will turn on its ear.
watch the mayhem, begun
by fraternity fun
in the blockbuster film of the year.
"
"on my boat, i saw whales in the wild.
a harpoon then flew out; a man smiled.
he towed one to shore,
carved a chunk, then ten more;
turned me into a blubbering child.
"
"i had surely stopped using my noodle ?
raising cats as a business is brutal.
scratch the posts, pack the litter,
god bless the high bidder.
i'm selling the kitten caboodle.
"
"see that column?  lean back, but don't drop.
high above you, it comes to a stop.
at the tip, way up there,
with decorative flare,
is the capital, bearing the top.
"
"my tobacconist greeted me.  ""ray!
try this mixture i made up today!
to virginia pressed flake
i add cavendish cake.
aromatic! delightful, i say!""
"
"i muttered. i stuttered. i cursed.
""these photos you took are the worst!""
""how's that?"" he demanded,
""you specified 'candid' ?
that's un-posed, and most unrehearsed!""
"
"as you're driving, you may have thought, ""what's
the idea behind all of these spots?""
well, you'll know that you're leaving
your lane when you're weaving,
perceiving the bumps of botts dots.
"
"fill a matrix with word after word,
or a spreadsheet with data absurd.
coordinates spell
out the site of each cell.
y's that x-cellent?  ask any nerd!
"
"drawing interest, a cd's specific;
making music, a cd's terrific.
but oedilfers all toil
in the shadow of doyle,
who's a limericist most prolific!
"
"it's the hundredth wee part of a dollar,
a guilder, a rand.  do you foller?
the coin called a cent
never aims to present
any reason to stand up and holler.
"
"the esopus cascades, something vicious.
we don't toss in pennies for wishes.
there's no golf club around,
so no clubs to be found.
but bowling balls? scads, with the fishes.
"
"on the last trip, our room was the worst,
in the hold, with our porthole submersed.
cabin-class 'commodations
mean better vacations
than tourist, but less so than first.
"
"first he said, ""i am rubber; you're glue.""
then he said, ""bounce off me, stick to you.""
though not his intent,
it expounds on cement,
which can weld all your fingertips, too.
"
"i awoke around quarter to one.
looked around, thinking, where is my son?
in first class! he's up grabbin'
free snacks from that cabin.
he's toast when they find what he's done.
"
"frilly skirts and high kicks their career,
the dancers were met with a cheer.
in the wings, jacques stopped dozing ?
critiqued his composing:
""for the cancan i'm offenbach here.""
"
"a cistern or similar place in-
to which branches and leaves might be racin'
(sewers can't stand the clutter
of junk from the gutter)
will catch all that stuff in its basin.
"
"a reporter (his word) up in salem
wrote newspaper stories.  he'd mail 'em
to papers he read.
""no, thanks,"" they all said,
thus increasing his stockpile of balaam.
"
"""i've some snails to ship home,"" i told fred.
got some cartons and painted them red.
and then i applied
a white ""s"" to each side.
""now they'll know it's 's' cargo,"" i said.
"
"the weather is not really stellar
for picnics twixt gal and her feller;
so into the pail
with the cheese and the ale,
please be sure that the two adumbrellar.
"
"my hook i've no problem controlling;
that sphere looks so fine when it's rolling.
the pins, though, won't fall,
so i'm chucking it all,
and the ball's first to go.  no more bowling!
"
"from the time babies babble we yearn
for the point when to english they turn;
if babble's innate,
then it might be a straight-
forward, easier language to learn.
"
"""hey, mister,"" mack said, ""we're still hopin'
that our sister, back home, be elopin'.
for the rails on the ladder,
bought nails. it don't matter?
this damn blister pack, can't get it open!""
"
"i've no time left for any more naps
or relaxing by running some laps.
it's too late for a break,
and i must stay awake.
where's my vial? i'll pop a few caps.
"
"""it's now time for some simple reviews.
whether made up of pistons or screws,
a standard compressor,""
held forth our professor,
""is sized by the term 'btus'"".
"
"on the seventh i picked up my wood,
stretched my arms a touch more than i should.
as i swung from my pivot,
my club tore a divot;
to baff does the fairway no good.
"
"a gray-hair, tr?s ch?re, named flamingo
eschewed naughty words in her lingo;
never dared to say ""fo!""
like a commonplace schmo,
'cept when one of her cronies yelled ""bingo!""
"
"'mongst all the big fauna on earth,
the polar bear sports a large girth.
this feature just might
help explain, every night,
why he gives himself such a wide berth.
"
"back when disco and leisure suits struck,
white appliances made us say, ""yuck!""
so we tried harvest gold;
avocado got sold;
somehow almond's the color that stuck.
"
"fourteen weeks ? sixty hours at a turn,
then the boss said, ""you've something to learn.
your report is pure crap.""
i just stared at my lap
and stayed silent, but did a slow burn.
"
"""for swimming the backstroke,"" said fred,
""float face up like you're lying in bed.
flip your feet up and down
while you try not to drown,
as you windmill your arms past your head.""
"
"an aquarium worker named gert
wore an a-line (a style for a skirt).
well, pierre made a beeline
to help with her sea lion;
she said, ""get in de line, you old flirt.""
"
"filming scenes, looking down on the room,
no one noticed the oncoming doom.
when the boom was extended,
more weight than intended
tipped everything over, ka-boom!
"
"the film 'round which sam's case revolved
by mistake had been fully dissolved.
such things didn't matter
to sergeant mcphatter;
he'd bird-dog it 'til it was solved.
"
"we'd sing songs of our isle in the sea
where my love swore ""forever"" to me...
we'd return, hang the cost,
to our paradise lost...
if we could; but we can't find the cay.
"
"i stared at the grounds in my cup.
""was it something i did?"" she said, ""yup.
it's my birthday, you jerk,
but you stayed late at work,
and your lack of regard burns me up.""
"
"with the burial done, joe asked, ""why
did pierre, still so young, have to die?""
then he heaped up some stones
to mark his friend's bones,
'cause he's mostly a cairn type of guy.
"
"storm king mountain.  west point.  on the way
that my amtrak traverses each day.
ho-hum landmarks appear ?
same parade, different year.
i've grown jaded, completely blas?.
"
"i'm not happy ? this horrible mood
says, ""she leaves me, my psyche is screwed.""
to cement the whole thing,
i'll present her this ring
and she'll cling to me like we've been glued.
"
"""but i'm jewish!"" rabinowitz whined,
""and i'll not have them mucking my mind.""
you've no fear in the least,
moe, of meeting a priest.
something catholic affects all mankind.
"
"a gringo on too much peyote
went southwardly, towing his boat; he
in mexico stopped.
in some water he dropped
it ? a small limestone pool, a cenote.
"
"being all of the woman i am,
it was time for that yearly exam.
said the doc with a chirrup,
""one foot in each stirrup.
i'm here at your cervix, madame!""
"
"we've a meal for tonight that's gourmet ?
i went hunting and came home today
with a freshly killed deer,
so we've venison here.
come on, dinner is cervid. ""hooray!""
"
"winter skiing's a cause for concern;
every weekend, upon my return,
i peer in the mirror
at redness severer
than hives, for the wind causes burn.
"
"""'til death do us part,"" said his miss.
then they finished their vows with a kiss.
""now, my dear, come along.
walk like this; that way's wrong!""
'twas his intro to marital bliss.
"
"""let's walk up!"" said the elderly gent.
he's my boss; up six stories we went.
and when he said gaily,
""let's exercise daily!""
i nodded my head in assent.
"
"since the crime, but an hour had passed.
still, that tread imprint... grabbing some plast-
er of paris, i prepped
a moulage, which then kept
this fine evidence saved in a cast.
"
"time to gather up stuff that i take
when i head to my place on the lake ?
a one-room delight,
it's my cabin. i might
spend a night or two taking a break.
"
"your patient just suffered a fall.
the wi-fi's gone down at the mall.
through the day or at night
you must deal with the plight
of your client, when you are on call.
"
"at my door stood a man stooped and old,
quite a sight and a fright to behold.
but he looked at me hard
and then offered his card:
mephistopheles.  lives bought ensouled.
"
"when tobacconists throw in a casing,
it's not natural-flavor-replacing,
but a hint of a berry,
or anise, or sherry ?
some call it tobacco debasing.
"
"? if your brief's organized they can cull it;
? if your idea's concise they can mull it.
? should a list that is numbered
seem grossly encumbered,
then highlight each bit with a bullet.
"
"find the difference 'tween seven and one?
you'd subtract one from seven.  not fun.
a 2's complement path
makes it additive math;
in computerese that's how it's done.
"
"climbing up to the turret's a hassle,
but it gives a great view of your castle.
be wise and don't gloat
you live over the moat,
lest you rankle your serf or your vassal.
"
"'twas the moment we all meet with dread.
the doc looked me square and he said,
""i've come to deduce
that your cephalon's loose,""
and then, smiling, ""it's all in your head.""
"
"random publishers never rose higher
than bennett (plays heaven's first lyre).
what's his line? pun my word!
when he died, heaven heard
""cerf's up!"" from a wag in the choir.
"
"watching cop shows, my parrot would burp
when he figured he'd id'ed the perp.
then he fell for a 'tiel
who shot back with a squeal,
""mind your manners, man! why not a chirp?""
"
"when my spouse said i'd ought to be buckled
(although, in the outcome, i'd truckled),
i'd not laughed, howled, or cawed,
nor convulsed, nor guffawed;
but i'd inwardly smiled and just chuckled.
"
"b. bubalis bubalis might mean
wa-wa-wow! water buffalo scene.
didelphis plays dead;
mama mae married ned;
and cacao is the chocolate bean.
"
"we set up a trust; 'twas the best we
could do for our progeny, lest we
should leave him alone
in this world. now he's known
to the lawyers who help us as cestui.
"
"said the pastry, in tone somewhat droll,
""bakery life isn't bad, on the whole.
since he shaped on my top
a small pic of his pop,
he's quite pleased with this cameo roll.""
"
"i was dying; i just had to try it.
it's trying; i just can't deny it.
a burning concern ?
to play bridge; i will learn,
if the strain on my brain doesn't fry it.
"
"sweatin' sammy had given his all
to the betting. he said with a drawl,
""you ain't got but a pair
or a straight over there,
but i can't bet no higher.  i call!""
"
"when i sat on a haystack?a bale?
i felt what i thought was a nail
stick me right in the rump?
made me needle-lessly jump.
but my mates don't believe this tall tale.
"
"from the knock on his head he would falter?
he had said on their way to the altar,
""though it seems suicidal,
i give you this bridle...""
after that, there was no one to halt her.
"
"rain outside.  guess i knew what her face meant
when i came up the stairs from the basement.
""it's the window!"" she cried.
""we've got weather inside!""
can't avoid it ? we need a new casement.
"
"granny sat late one night at her table
knitting fast as her fingers were able.
the twists in the wool
made the sweater so full,
employing the stitch known as cable.
"
"i dated a maiden named marian
who works in the town as librarian.
my life bears a hex ?
it's ""a ring before sex!""
she lives a life abecedarian.
"
"you want room on the federal stage?
there's a contract in which you'd engage?
you will need to encumber
your parts with a number
id in a code that's called cage.
"
"a con man named theodore crunk
watched a retailer flail like a drunk.
so the business got scammed;
he was sure (or be damned)
that the biz mark was gonna be sunk.
"
"""seven webers, two carters, three, four...
sixteen holleys, and two carters more.""
""want some burgers for lunch?""
he said, ""no need to munch.""
""counting carbs,"" i observed from the door.
"
"my cards tonight aren't that grand,
but they're falling the way that i planned.
this master just hasta
fill one more canasta
to score the most points on this hand.
"
"whet your hunger with sausage, don't dull it.
roe of tuna, or sometimes from mullet,
makes bottarga (botargo,
next country, next argot).
pour some wine, wash it all down your gullet.
"
"all these legs ? i'll be losing them soon,
morph to moth sometime early in june.
on my wings i will soar,
caterpillar no more.
now it's time that i spin my cocoon.
"
"a race-loving redneck named sean
asked his wife, ""why so cross and withdrawn?""
""'cause that power-boost muck
has leaked out of your truck
and it's burned a big hole in the lawn.""
"
"her laughter, her sparkle, and such,
i'll unlearn very quickly ? not much.
but the hardest of all
to forget to recall,
'cause it's burned in my memory ? her touch.
"
"i went out for a walk.  on returning,
my wife said i have to start learning ?
i'd stoked up the fire
which had made her perspire.
(this occurs when the woodstove is burning.)
"
"a corpulent guy named mctate
asked a co-worker out on a date:
""'neath my avoirdupois,
i'm just one of the boys.""
""more like two!"" ""but i'm well worth the weight.""
"
"aurigation's been grandly portrayed;
old vacations, less ably displayed ?
some brilliant, some bland,
on a celluloid band,
the stuff on which movies are made.
"
"my neighbor has diamonds galore,
and buckets of money, and more.
i'd consider a break-in
but fear i would waken
that cerberus guarding the door.
"
"he'd consumed too much candy and sugar,
that snot-nosed young kid, frankie broogher.
his folks said, ""no more!
beans and carrots galore.""
""no!"" said frankie, who then ate a booger.
"
"a gopher, exceedingly thorough,
finds a field's most felicitous furrow.
it's a suitable start;
time to practice his art ?
to claw through the earth and to burrow.
"
"i tried to impress a nice girl ?
though amusement rides make my hair curl,
found a centrifuge: ""gee!
let's climb in and you'll see
it's a ride that is out of this whirl!""
"
"lisbon coffee's a minimal charge.
""even cheaper in rio,"" says marge.
so let's hear a bravo!
the lowly centavo
makes sense when your bills are too large.
"
"fire crews must have water around ?
in the pavement a chuck hydrant's found.
but no one thought over
effects on poor rover
when placing it flush with the ground.
"
"it's a jug that was sure to adorn
old-time rooms if the outhouse drew scorn.
the chamber pot held
all the stuff you expelled
in the night, and was dumped, come the morn.
"
"it's incredibly tough to be vocal ?
our alliance is national, not local;
but our chapter gets heard
(though his words are absurd)
'cause our chief's an ebullient yokel.
"
"though this mystery has me perplexed
as i read through the pages of text,
at each chapter's conclusion
i greet with effusion
the piece of the story that's next.
"
"the pc police have us scared;
""disparagement's out,"" they've declared.
so a fellow who's bald
or dim-witted is called
""something-challenged,"" instead of ""impaired"".
"
"four-foot-long genie beard, silvered tin:
it's my costume that always would win.
jack could offer a lot,
but he'd find he could not
buy the hair of my skinny djinn's chin.
"
"a medium, hailed in the annals
paranormal, is known for the channels
she casts with the dead.
""voices calm us,"" she said,
""and they're better than rattling panels.""
"
"make your move, stop your clock, you're a whiz,
and the clock that starts running is his.
the ref doesn't care
how much time's left ? it's there
on your chess clock. your turn? oops, it is.
"
"we sell batteries tiny and large,
in-between, and as big as a barge.
if you've floated your boat
but its motor won't mote,
could be power. we'll give you a charge.
"
"""easy credit!"" the line baited marge.
""nothing down!"" read the print, extra large.
so ray's fashion pavilion
saw marge and a million
more storm through the gate, yelling ""charge!""
"
"one thing that an infant knows best,
like a marmot that's building its nest,
is a natural notion,
a burrowing motion
that snuggles to mama's warm breast.
"
"gigi pulled up some chairs and we sat ?
conversation 'bout this and of that.
she purred like a kitten,
decidedly smitten,
""it's nice to be sharing this chat.""
"
"""the current's a tease in these parts,""
said the captain, ""but i've got some smarts.
where's the channel? don't know,
but i'll call down below
for a sailor to bring me some charts.""
"
"mow the lawn, wax the car, sweep the floors;
milk the cow, get supplies from the stores;
groom the dog, wash the dishes,
toss food to the fishes.
it's sad, but i've had all these chores.
"
"we don't sing modern hymns 'cause we can't ?
or the vicar will start up his rant.
he truly despises
their fadeouts and rises;
so though we could sing them, we chant.
"
"a chauvinist pig in seattle
counts his conquests as others count cattle.
""possessions are nice;
love comes at a price,""
says this boor who considers them chattel.
"
"a sculptor downtown named cornell
chisels marble and granite  to sell.
but the ""carvings"" he's sold
really come from a mold;
he chisels his patrons as well.
"
"it's not a hot dance craze from cuba,
nor our symphony's principal tuba.
it will give a shine
to your bentley, or mine ?
a natural wax, carnauba.
"
"in the '20s, a flapper named roxy
went dancing, made up to look foxy.
""if i charleston all night,
then some gentleman might
find attractive a girl with such moxie.""
"
"the flames hit the stand ? hit it hard ?
as the farmer stood by in his yard.
they burned up the 'shrooms
and the fruits and legumes;
all that's left to be offered is chard.
"
"""what the dickens!"" cried scrooge. ""it's abuse
that's produced by these ghosts on the loose!""
but accosted by marley,
he might have yelled ""barley!""
a child's word, demanding a truce.
"
"lena finished her fresh ravioli.
""dessert, ma'am?""  ""i'm so roly-poly. . .
cannoli taste great. . .
cheese-filled pastry. . . my weight. . . .
i really can't eat one.  can olie?""
"
"they say chocolate is one of the four
basic food groups of postmodern lore:
with coffee and pizza
and ice cream, anne eats a
nice portion, then goes back for more.
"
"the butler recited with glee,
""please return once he's finished his t.""
(poked my ribs.)  ""that's a joke!
but his nibs, by some stroke,
the chirographer, seems to be free.""
"
"if you live in a tankful of fish,
give thanks if you get what you wish:
a bubbler to bubble,
keeping gills out of trouble,
and some tail with fantastical swish!
"
"there's a hole in the ground 'neath your dwelling.
no floor? might be that that you're smelling.
with walls that are thick,
made of stone, or of brick,
is it basement or cellar? who's telling?
"
"predisposed toward flowery prints,
macduff chose a shirt made of chintz.
he went out to play golf;
a bird carried him olf
and he's never been seen or heard since.
"
"this dumb tool, you damn fool, has you stuck.
then my dad took a look, and said, ""buck?
you never will tighten
that drill bit you're fightin'
if you don't find the key for the chuck.""
"
"the boys at st. luke's made a fuss
as abraham boarded the bus.
""he gets chanukah fun
for eight nights from night one.
what a shame there's no presents for us!""
"
"my oncologist's juxtaposition
of therapies helped my condition.
i wouldn't embellish
the chemo ? it's hellish,
but boosted successful remission.
"
"""this game of croquet is absurd,""
said my wife. ""i've a game that's preferred.""
so she put up a net,
got the badminton set,
raised a racquet and whacked it?the bird.
"
"local commerce drops off with the wait,
for we still can't drive over the strait.
our council, myopic,
has battered this topic;
it's time to abridge the debate.
"
"a barkeep by name of kassarjian
runs his pub on a very tight margin.
he improves things, he thinks,
serving watered-down drinks.
go next door; it's no bargain, his bar gin.
"
"milkmaid heidi was once heard to utter,
""my mom surely knew."" (mutter, mutter.)
""shake cream in an urn,
give a turn with a churn,
'til the fats coalesce into butter.""
"
"a good metal needs help to stay good,
to achieve the performance it should.
bichromate's real tough
(dichromate ? same stuff);
it's a coating (its mate's understood).
"
"""oh, great wise one, how is it legit
that a man can stand up and yet sit?""
""bifurcated?  stay shy
should you ever ask 'y'
of a man with forked tongue."" then he split.
"
"little sam is a helluva biker,
lights us up like a match on a striker.
when the harley goes ""vrooooom!""
better give up some room ?
which we do, 'cause we all really like her.
"
"being blind isn't weak; it's not frail;
simple tasks, though, can be a travail.
the blind can read what's
on a page by the dots
of the alphabet named after braille.
"
"i was given a vest by my friend ?
a bolero of dark woolen blend.
i wore it to dance
(a bolero, by chance).
it unraveled before we could end.
"
"a fine accent to keep your neck warm'll
suggest that you're dressed for a formal.
for some men, four-in-hand
bespeaks taste rather bland;
they consider a bow tie as normal.
"
"he scowled as he walked through the door ?
waved his gun, looking mean to the core.
then with no further sound,
he chambered a round,
and the patrons collapsed to the floor.
"
"'twas a somber occasion, austere,
when i vowed ""until death"" to my dear.
then we met in a kiss
of first marital bliss
and the congregants let out a cheer.
"
"started writing a verse on nantucket ?
this guy, and his thing, and a bucket.
can't finish it, dude ?
always comes out too lewd.
to avoid being rude, i'll just chuck it.
"
"""sleeping congregants!"" reverend protested.
to the chandler he went, and suggested,
""no candles, please, sir,
unto those who won't stir,
for you've heard there's no wick for the rested.""
"
"the charwoman knocks on your door,
dusts your desk, empties trash, sweeps the floor.
you could almost declare
you don't know she's been there,
but your office is clean to the core.
"
"when i'm writing a poem, you see,
and the meter's not what it should be,
a word here or there
makes the rhythm all square ?
all i need to add's just a cheville!
"
"wearing muumuus with pants, like a freak,
she had cruised off to france for a week.
she returned with a style
that compelled me to smile ?
haute couture! de rigueur! very chic!
"
"my friend's whacko ? he's just lost his cool,
and he acts like he's sighted a ghoul.
there is no way to calm him
('cept maybe embalm him).
""yo, chill!"" i yell.  ""chill out, you fool!""
"
"the garlic and chili made plain
that this treat that i'd eat ? not mundane;
never sent to my maw such
a wonderful sausage
as that, a chorizo from spain.
"
"the cannon emits a loud roar
as it launches me over the floor.
though a strange cannon fodder,
my sons find me odder
for thinking my workplace a bore.
"
"a carnival huckster named rice
can divest you of cash in a trice.
he cauponates oil
from a snake, as a foil
against gout, lumbar swelling, and lice.
"
"""the next service? they won't have to cancel,""
said a maintenance fellow named hansel.
""the wax should be dry.
let the minister try,
without falling, to climb to the chancel.""
"
"""has the bishop a few moments free?
there is something i'd like him to see.""
""the chancery brass
are all off at mass.
he'll be back in the office at three.""
"
"like puppets they sit on his wing,
apparatchiks restrained by his string.
willing jokers and knaves,
mindless flunkies, and slaves
to the fellow who thinks he's a king.
"
"from my place in the hospital, dear,
i see space that is grim and austere.
you could brighten my hours
with ribbons or flowers.
bring me something that radiates cheer.
"
"a lady i knew lay in waiting
for a man versed in deft carbon-dating.
but the ""c"" in her mind
was the crystalline kind,
used in wooing, pursuing, and mating.
"
"red or crimson, in clusters, a cherry
is the fruit of a tree, not a berry:
used in jam, found in pies,
or occasional guise
in the drink of some tom, dick, or jerry.
"
"though merchants may tally its worth,
our reflections should turn to his birth:
christmas celebrates when
god appeared among men
with a message of peace for the earth.
"
"when fidelity need be supported,
don't make all your signals distorted.
you'll never be shut off
for ripple in cutoff
if noise, with a bessel, is thwarted.
"
"if your dwelling looks drab to your mind,
reupholster your chairs. you will find
that the fabric chenille
has a velvety feel
that appeals to your tender behind.
"
"""let's pick up the pace just a smidgen!""
for my p.e. coach, speed was religion.
""time to move your fat a!
chop-chop!"" he would say,
which means ""quick-quick"" in english called pidgin.
"
"the conductor seemed not too dismayed.
""some performers are tough to persuade.
the guitarist is proud;
if his music's too loud,
i just hand him a chart to be played.""
"
"""our music displays fits and starts
'cause we've scribbled all over the parts.
on your way in the door,
pick up a clean score;
at last we've procured some new charts.""
"
"""i won't say that we've made a mistake,
but the market won't give us a break.
going forward, each man
will subscribe to this plan
that charts every move that he'll make.""
"
"the museum girl seemed so sincere.
""pharaoh's mask! get your own copy here!
(this cheap plaster casting
won't be too long-lasting
but) rates as a great souvenir!""
"
"senate rift, left to right, super size,
guaranteed a defeat, no surprise.
bill decided to razz him:
""the depth of the chasm
ensures that this law never flies.""
"
"in the crack in the rock, climber joe
sought relief in the water's cool flow.
he fell in the chasm,
and now the stream has him ?
he'll wash up in the valley below.
"
"the bone in my nose is no bone,
though it's broken, the x-ray has shown.
it is hard to imagine us
as all cartilaginous
attaining the height that we've grown.
"
"mr. manners surveyed debbie lynn.
""mouth agape, all the flies will fly in.
you'll look far more composed
if you keep your mouth closed,""
and he chucked her right under the chin.
"
"with the move to our home nearly done,
finding space in the bedroom's no fun.
a chifforobe might
help us out in our plight.
it's a closet and drawers all in one.
"
"made a phone call to tell my friend ed,
""tried some chambertin ? what a fine red!
i'm in dijon!"" ""the mustard?""
""the city."" ""i'm flustered.""
""it's in the same region,"" i said.
"
"cast your eyes on the heavenly choir,
where the lord all his minions admire.
i pray that a change'll
be granted my angel ?
to cherubim, maybe still higher.
"
"""the virgin's appeared!"" the men cried;
they produced some ""ex-cripples"" who lied.
chicanery breeds
the ""church in the weeds""
and they'll fleece devotees far and wide.
"
"feeling down? try a bourbon and beer,
or the single-malt scotch (18-year).
you could realize relief
in an aperitif,
or some rum ? from your basket of cheer.
"
"""silky sweaters? no heavyweight deal,""
said the sales clerk, beginning her spiel.
""you need only take care
to use yarn that has hair ?
i'd suggest that you try the chenille.""
"
"""my new paper's a total disaster,""
said the prof, ""though i cited a master.
when ms. jones used his quotes,
she got many more votes;
i can't figure why i've not surpassed her.""
"
"my date went and called me a glutton
'cause i ordered the large plate of mutton.
then she said, ""take it light
and i might stay the night.""
changed my mind. she can sure push that button!
"
"lime and grapefruit and lemon might be,
to my thinking, the best kinds of tree.
in citrus you'll find
juicy fruit 'neath the rind
and a good dose of vitamin c.
"
"one hot summer nighttime i made a
sharp noise like a buzzing cicada.
the linkage seems vague
but i brought on a plague
of locusts, or so says the data.
"
"""let's get out of here,"" mugsy suggested.
two miles out they were stopped and arrested.
said the cop, ""we'd just started;
you quickly departed,
no by-your-leave ever requested.""
"
"paradiddles and rolls showed great zest;
he kept drumming like someone possessed.
though his chart showed ""no sound"",
he kept fooling around.
squawked the maestro, ""you're under a rest!""
"
"with some instruments unborn as yet,
a pre-classical woodwind quintet
wouldn't be what we know ?
the antique chalumeau
is replaced by today's clarinet.
"
"on the road from bombay to new delhi,
wet clothes had been making me smelly.
with weather so spotty
i bought a bursati
that covers me shoulders to belly.
"
"my career is a common-law wife ?
thirty years of success and of strife.
it's time to move on
but ambition is gone,
so i'm chained to this billet for life.
"
"we expect a result asymptotic;
from inception, through time, not exotic;
random acts can impart
lots of change from the start
when chaology calls it chaotic.
"
"though moreau is one helluva brute,
when he dropped back and wound up to shoot,
i declared, ""what the heck!""
and delivered a check ?
sent him sliding down-ice on his toot.
"
"when it's cold and the wild blizzards fly,
winter air holds no moisture; it's dry ?
chaps your delicate skin;
dehydration within
causes roughness and cracks by and by.
"
"postwar europe: a crisis, indeed;
show you care ? there are millions to feed.
the package reveals
that somebody feels
for humanity, hungry, in need.
"
"give up kitchens for carts? rather strange ?
for a chef, an unlikely exchange.
the chuck wagon, yes,
made a portable mess,
but he'd feel more at home on the range.
"
"the wax on his car was his pride.
the street's shiniest? never denied.
till i gave him the whammy
and stole his best chamois ?
""got your goat now!"" was all that i cried.
"
"""that airplane's built backwards!"" she said.
""where its nose goes some winglets have spread.""
a canard will appear
in the front, not the rear,
so she can't tell the tail from the head.
"
"house of mirrors ? the place that i'm at.
anamorphic ? the medium that,
with a mirror or lens,
will elongate your friends
or will make them appear short and fat.
"
"i'd not heeded the town regulation
and exceeded my trout allocation.
the warden came by;
never batted an eye,
but he greeted me with a citation.
"
"the studios jumped to espouse
""fill the theater"" ? and not just the house.
wide-screen cinemascope
gave the filmmakers hope ?
more exposure for marilyn's blouse.
"
"having fought pirates off of the land,
her heroine's sequel's been planned.
so prestigious a prize
augurs nought but blue skies.
booker ? now ? she will be in demand!
"
"""weird aircraft!"" he said with a cluck.
""on the nose a small airfoil's been stuck.
i don't need to think hard
why it's called a canard ?
for it looks like a stubby old duck.""
"
"i used to let fido run free,
but he's big as a big dog can be.
the postmaster swore
no more mail at my door,
so i chained the poor dog to a tree.
"
"""chain reactions can sometimes be calm,""
the student replied with aplomb.
""control is the factor
that makes a reactor;
you'd otherwise call it a bomb.""
"
"online games are the kid's nightly treat,
but he has to be one of the 1337 ?
goes to sites he can use
to ensure he can't lose,
where he downloads a bulletproof cheat.
"
"as a weapon, i'd sharply allege
that a butter knife hasn't much edge.
not a cutter ? instead,
a utensil to spread
maybe hummus or brie from the wedge.
"
"an idiot, edward, was smitten.
in the ajas it was written:
""editorial threads
are opinions of eds.""
and he basked in the stardom unwittin'.
"
"the equestrians came out in force
when the pony express laid its course.
no criers were needed
with riders ensteeded;
down the trail came the mailmen ahorse.
"
"""walks in beauty, she does,"" says the poet.
""the ocean's breast heaves."" do you know it?
i'll never be tirin'
of readin' lord byron.
get old, but i'll never outgrow it.
"
"when he sings, the whole crowd feels a thrill.
i'm enrapt and i can't get my fill.
his baritone's cream,
the soul of a dream;
it'll sit you straight up with a chill.
"
"it's your farm you don't want to destroy ?
there are methods you need to employ.
you can azotize land
if rotation is planned,
with such plantings as clover and soy.
"
"""see this belt?"" said my friend. ""maybe y'all
could add holes to adjust to my sprawl?""
well, i found, sure enough,
that that leather was tough;
so am i, and i gave it my awl.
"
"close a loop.  it's designed to impart
circulation for pumps or a heart:
fluid up, fluid down,
fluid out and aroun',
reappearing anon at the start.
"
"i'd an invite, a party well fraught
with politicos, all of them bought.
to circulate in
'mongst the villains of sin:
check my grin; hope i never get caught!
"
"i told her our date had been splendid,
with a consequence never intended:
a quick revocation
of free circulation;
my libertine life has been ended.
"
"london streets sometimes meet willy-nilly,
forming circles, not squares.  (rather silly!)
then who would lay claim
to have chosen the name
for one circus? he sure picked a dilly.
"
"as elected execs sometimes will,
at the party bill buttonholed phil.
""how dare you accost me?""
snarled phil. ""now you've lost me ?
let go! a 'hey, phil!' fills the bill.""
"
"there's a time a missed cycle means ""frown""
and you hope it's not spread around town.
but when menopause hits
and ""the change"" gives you fits,
it just means that production's shut down.
"
"trains from montauk have one limitation:
a lack of electrification.
a diesel would choke
all the tunnels with smoke,
so you change at the babylon station.
"
"at the office, it looks a bit strange,
but these things are a fuss to arrange.
i brought some spare clothes
and everyone knows
after work i'll perform a quick change.
"
"i'm not rich, but i couldn't care beans;
there's wealth in these faded old jeans.
i have change in my pocket;
it's money ? don't knock it ?
it works in the vending machines.
"
"of the wine in the goblet, said he,
""this, my blood, shall be given for thee.""
at each mass, light my eye;
raise the chalice on high,
with: ""do this in remembrance of me.""
"
"""oh, reveal, tell me please, buddy bjorn,
why is it you look so forlorn?""
""lena called from the doorway;
she'd hit on 'one more way',
but when i arrived, she was gorn.""
"
"i feel in my gorge a sensation ?
i ate some ""cayenne combination"";
tell me why, then, i kvetch
every time i'm a wretch
from this burn of my own preparation.
"
"i bought a fedora and that
hides my hair, which resembles a rat.
i've no pretenses, so
i won't say ""my chapeau"" ?
i think i'll just call it my hat.
"
"every vestige of daylight was gone
as we found our hotel in milan.
in a room black as pitch,
there's no toggle to switch!
pushed a button. the lights all came on.
"
"early on in the year '33,
fdr said we all need a tree.
though it sounds most berserk,
he put people to work
building forests: the old ccc.
"
"i got me a fan, but can't spin it.
it jammed when a hamster crawled in it.
i could leave him pro tem. . .
though with no cfm.
but his death? cubic feet every minute.
"
"though her heart wasn't totally in it,
angelina sat down at the spinet.
said her teacher, ""go slow.
set the metronome so
it will tap sixty-four beats per minute.""
"
"like cds, or your phones and tvs,
it's a standard ? the whole world agrees:
coax cables connected
and signals protected?
no-fuss, low-expense bncs.
"
"irt doesn't work, not for me.
and i won't ride the new ind.
i need brooklyn, not hell,
via subway or el;
pay five cents to the old bmt.
"
"your breathing is labored, i'm told.
blue skin?  you're a sight to behold.
it's ayerza's disease ?
or perhaps just a freeze
from hiking ten miles in the cold.
"
"think my brain to be that of a fool?
in d.c. (where the acronyms rule),
""the decider"" should be
cjotsc,
an erudite man, said my school.
"
"find a bhalu? you'd better take pause
and stand back from this sloth bear because
hills of termites he'll dig,
and fresh fruit's really big,
but he'll maul you with oh-so-sharp claws.
"
"""it's a car, for land's sakes, darling harriet,
a model of beauty, this chariot.
don't grudge the long hours ?
i don't bring it flowers;
it's my love but i'm not gonna marry it!""
"
"a heavyweight fellow from dover
climbed a very steep hill in his rover.
stopped the truck, looked about;
swung the door to get out;
cg shifted; the whole thing fell over.
"
"i've a chronic, though small, hematoma.
and my eyes? showing signs of glaucoma.
watch a cancroid begin
on my elderly skin
(also called squamous cell carcinoma).
"
"need it stiff, with a small bit of flex?
(building wiring's the topic, not sex.)
it's armor-protected
and gets you connected,
the cable that's known as bx.
"
"calcospherite: i'd like to ask ""whazzit?""
but biologists ask ""what can cause it?""
thin calcium shells
on the tissue of cells ?
small orbs in an organ deposit.
"
"in the meantime, the stew'd lost its charm; it's
unseemly that chuck come to harm. it's
a lock that they knew
different strokes wouldn't do,
so they chucked the whole mess to the marmots.
"
"olden times, was a ""gentleman caller"" ?
'60s found him a hang-in-the-maller.
now bf finds gf
in cancun or kiev.
and this planet becomes that much smaller.
"
"on the couch lay the redneck, j.c.
empty sixpacks at hand, two or three.
you might think anesthesia ?
more like akinesia:
paralysis. (too much tv.)
"
"pads on rotors make braking a breeze
when the calipers give them a squeeze.
hydraulic's the link
(kicks in quick as a wink) ?
brings your car to a stop with great ease.
"
"callitroga's a fly to defy ya.
pass it by should it come by to eye ya.
its larvae abound ?
in dead flesh they are found ?
as screwworms.  they're cochliomyia.
"
"capreolate plants ring my chimes,
like clematis, or ivy at times.
tendrils snake one by one;
vines grow up toward the sun.
can it be that they seek warmer climbs?
"
"just a shed and a red wooden table.
and a sign thus: ""ckpt able"".
""since we've barely begun,
this must be checkpoint one.""
later on i'll continue this fable. . . .
"
"should you smell one, you'd give a wide berth
to a cesspool, for all you are worth.
so avoid places rank
that are named for this tank ?
they're awash with the scum of the earth.
"
"'twas the first day to diet. i tried
filching one tiny cookie.  i cried.
the cellophane sheet
lets me peek at the treat
but keeps moisture and me from inside.
"
"brightly flowered, my favorite trees
sway red in the tropical breeze;
not scarlet, but nicely
near crimson ? precisely,
the french word for cherry, cerise.
"
"""a void where some bone should exist
caused the growth of this lump in your wrist,""
said the doc. ""there's no hurry,
so stop all your worry!
i'll help you to cease ? and de-cyst.""
"
"i wax philosophical nightly
on grave matters, expounding forthrightly.
i'm cerebrally flawed,
but friends know to applaud
or i'll tell them ""get lost!"" most politely.
"
"benchmarking software's my task;
i work in qa and folks ask:
if test case succeeds
then measure the speeds
else document bugs to unmask
"
"said a strapping young rabbit named jess,
""why do chickens get all of the press?
well, before i could cough,
they had cut my things off.
so now capon's my form of address.""
"
"there's a party out back in my yard agin,
with a mountain of food most bizarre! ""dig in!
i find warmer is better,
i'll run in for a sweater...""
fumbling buttons, returned with my cardigan.
"
"at the shoreline i found myself saying,
""let's go dancing wherever you're staying.""
first the band played ""la bamba"",
then a sort of a samba ?
""carioca"" was what they were playing.
"
"this could go on for hours, i sensed.
it was time i was racing against.
""give a quick presentation
of short-lived duration ?
a capsule ? a version condensed.""
"
"a young paramecium, delia,
asked her mom, ""tell this dutiful filia:
should my guy be impressed
by the hairs on my chest?
or my head?"" ""that would really be cilia.""
"
"""there's a hole in the fence we can't stanch.
they're escaping!"" i saw the man blanch.
""git your buns outa here!
go and chouse me them steer!""
""you mean, herd 'em all back to the ranch?""
"
"on the worksite jim plays a big role,
for the backhoe is his to control.
from the seat of his cab,
he aims it smack-dab
at the ground and he carves out a hole.
"
"""the cistern's filled up in this rain;
time to move in a new one,"" said jane.
""something new that you've found?
do you do this year 'round?""
""when the town says we're low, in the main.""
"
"""heaven help me!"" cries sean from his perch.
""she's run off, and i'm left in the lurch!""
all the bar turns and stares
as he slobbers some prayers;
you would think the poor guy was in church.
"
"i've a donkey, a small one, a burro ?
pack my crafts on her back, nice and thorough.
she beats rucksacks, hands down,
'cross the desert to town.
you won't find in my forehead one furrow.
"
"i'd a stereo ? big, bold, and brassy,
'til it broke. mr. fixit was classy:
""i can't charge for repairs;
this poor thing's beyond prayers;
looks like everything's shot but the chassis.""
"
"olden times, before couples were wed,
courtship might have played out on a bed.
the bundling board maybe
prevented a baby,
or possibly caused one, instead.
"
"i can't understand why the fuss.
it's sort of conspicuous, thus:
the busman's the guy
right in front of your eye
at the steering wheel, driving the bus.
"
"iron curtain: the phrase we knew well
as millions' symbolical knell.
you didn't dare make a
false move, or the cheka
would grab you and throw you in hell.
"
"have a yen for a pound or a baht?
euro right if you know what is hot.
the cambist's the one.  he's
the expert in moneys
exchanged 'round the world, knows what's what.
"
"i've studied.  i've pressed. and i've pushed.
this exam should demand to be squooshed.
though i ought to be wired,
i'm physically tired
and mentally shot. call me bushed.
"
"no power. its styling? low-key.
a heater? defroster? tee-hee.
the volkswagen bug
gives my heartstrings a tug,
and it drove from point a to point b.
"
"from the land of red wine and risotti,
veal milan, parmigiana, e biscotti:
no graceful gazelle,
but a bat out of hell ?
a sports car ? the peerless bugatti.
"
"the small railway out back was my pride.
'til the lightning struck ? that's why i cried.
in a flash the chemin-
de-fer went ""ka-banh!""
shot upward, then fell, and then died.
"
"my cat says ""meow"" so i toss her
some fish and add milk on a saucer.
she can't bury tails
from the mice she assails,
so i gave her the name geoffrey chaucer.
"
"a man of exceptional power
did a circuit design by the hour.
the result isn't cheap
'cause the cutoff is steep,
but the filter he used is a cauer.
"
"a hoofer in hot sulphur springs
said, ""time wreaks regrettable things.
i'm aging and listless;
had i but a chrysalis,
i'd bounce back on butterfly wings.""
"
"form the channel with dopants precise,
in a semiconductor device.
""it's a switch,"" says my tutor.
""to build a computer,
a zillion or two will suffice.""
"
"a severe laceration, the case
of the man who was scratched on his face:
""doctor, please, sear it shut!""
""you mean cauterize?"" ""but
she rejected my manly embrace.""
"
"a chebyshev sounds like a thing
with a tolstoy or nabokov ring.
but its edge is a scarp
that you'll find truly sharp ?
low-pass filter of cutoff with zing.
"
"the frequency that you desire
can be plucked from the noise on a wire.
a filter, low-pass,
of the butterworth class
will make the performance much higher.
"
"the billboard is hard to ignore:
""city center ? next right ? exit four.""
for one hefty fraction
downtown means the action,
while center means, simply, the core.
"
"found some manuscripts, timeworn and rare,
at an auction on christopher square.
bought just one; i can't buy ya
another messiah.
the package reads ""handel with care.""
"
"shrugs an eager young bowler named mike
who has more of a hook than he'd like:
""i get brooklyns. don't knock it.
i'll hit the wrong pocket,
but ten down still counts as a strike.""
"
"grab the cyclone, a breathtaking ride
near where two million people reside.
flatbush avenue, kiddie,
is now new york city.
the dodgers left brooklyn ? men cried.
"
"what makes me a blubbering fool?
there's this girl that i know, really cool.
since my street's next to hers,
a chance meeting occurs
every day on the way home from school.
"
"as the pharaoh examines the sphinx,
he notes a few cracks and some chinks.
""my pyramid needs
better work,"" he concedes,
""or when dead i won't get any winks.""
"
"every pumpkin, tomato, and gourd
had been sold; all the corn had been stored.
he considered the bounty
(the best in the county),
knelt down and gave thanks to the lord.
"
"at the time, nothing major was planned:
a small island, some trees, rivers, sand.
a few dozen guilders
made way for the builders
who'd flock to this choice piece of land.
"
"""a few wisps,"" i said, thinking aloud,
looking up. ""please don't rain on my crowd.""
jake replied, ""won't deter us
if it's only cirrus;
smart money says 'sunny-day cloud'.""
"
"""olden times,"" the physician explains,
""same as always, we'd varicose veins.
a cirsectomy meant
with the knife the veins went.""
only here, now, the word still remains.
"
"early pregnancy changes the state
of the uterine core of your mate.
the caduca's wall swells ?
endometrial cells
for the blastocyst now lie in wait.
"
"take the lateral view of a wing
of an airplane, and get out your string.
from the front to the back
measure straight, without slack.
that's the chord (it's an engineer's thing).
"
"a mathematician named ed,
so inert you might think he was dead,
nonetheless was obsessed ?
agile mind he possessed ?
and computed square roots in his head.
"
"at each end of a windshield you'll find
(or a windscreen, if you're so inclined)
the a-pillar.  most
of its function's a post
used for keeping the roof out of mind.
"
"like a moccasin, maybe; mom knew:
shield the foot from the dust and the dew.
with a soft leather sole
(needs no heel to be whole),
a cack is, for baby, a shoe.
"
"middle ages, in rome you could watch a
group of singers pour forth in a caccia:
painting life in the towns,
or the hunt (add in sounds).
did you stay for another? it gotcha!
"
"evolution adapting the strain
at the embryo level? insane.
caenogenesis, though,
says new organs can grow,
not hitherto seen in the chain.
"
"the capillary: smallest of tubes
bringing blood to your tarsals or boobs.
red cells from an artery
feed your brain's smartery
(in eggheads, much more than in rubes).
"
"hands-free phone in the car? gotta holler?
scrounged me up a few parts for a dollar.
it's discreet, not overt,
at the neck of my shirt.
i'm not nuts. it's a long-distance collar.
"
"the florist secured application
from the prince to provide decoration:
""to the throne i'll accede;
it's begonias i need.""
he delivered a pink coronation.
"
"""you candy-ass actor! you shrimp!
those candy glass windows are limp!
a stunt man first-class
would be using real glass!
you are out! off my picture! you wimp!""
"
"if you need a career, it's not news
there are some dying out you could choose.
you might be aware
that the cobbler is rare:
he's the fellow who makes boots and shoes.
"
"the chinook and the coho? terrific.
they live in the northeast pacific.
they're salmon, related;
the difference is stated:
chinook have some black parts specific.
"
"she rehearsed throwing dishes at brett;
the director was plainly upset.
he yelled, ""that damn platter ?
the thing didn't shatter!""
(he should know we've corelle on the set.)
"
"foreign secrets? he'd stolen a load,
'til one day, through the doorway he strode:
this cia lifer,
scared off by a cipher ?
the spy who came in, from the code.
"
"the word common connotes no offense ?
things expected, routine; no pretense.
but given the dearth
of brains on this earth,
who called judgment and thought common sense?
"
"at the front of the festive parade
is a pennant that's war-torn and frayed.
this honored old rag
and the national flag
are the colors of quentin's brigade.
"
"each fall as i started to school,
my mom made a health-happy rule:
""you know that you'd better
remember your sweater.
the temperature's gonna get cool.""
"
"the citadel's strength was its size,
so as harlots, ten went in disguise.
'twas a final resort
for control of that fort;
soon the garrison ceded its prize.
"
"a nervous old sinner named gantry
endowed the community pantry.
and just to make sure
that his soul was secure,
he built the cathedral a chantry.
"
"though buttocks come mainly in twos,
there's a big one right over the screws:
the aft of a ship,
o'er the waterline's dip,
you might sight, should you go on a cruise.
"
"earl or baron is wrong, so what is
the right form of address to add fizz?
the word burgess is thorough ?
he lives in a borough
in england. that title is his.
"
"casein pointer: i state, no complaint ?
it might sound alkaloidish ? it ain't.
it sees tons, i deduce,
of industrial use.
case in point: in the making of paint.
"
"to the left wing he's someone to mock.
to his allies he's more likely jacques ?
they plan to advance
a conservative france
as espoused by her leader, chirac.
"
"gotta get to d.c.  gotta fly.
dulles, reagan, sold out. what's nearby?
other airports?  a third?
it's convenient, you've heard?
north of town, it's bwi.
"
"said the wolf, ""this old shepherd will keep
me at bay and i so want a sheep.
chloral hydrate, i need,
to pursue my dark deed.
a few drops in his drink and he'll sleep.""
"
"said the prof, ""here's the gist of the test:
low-pass filter design is your quest.
the cutoff's the break
in the plot that you make
between signals you want and the rest.""
"
"it's an odyssey history acclaims ?
now it's ""half-life"" and similar names.
it's not likely ralph baer's
dreams included such heirs
when he pioneered video games.
"
"some seeds ride the wind on their own;
others, eaten by birds, will be flown.
but dispersal design
for the seeds of a pine
has a squirrel transporting their cone.
"
"liftoff's over ? your rocket has flown.
for your sensors, the nose is the zone.
friction heat?  precious payload
will never be haloed
if carefully packed in a cone.
"
"though his kingdom had plenty of land,
the king said, ""it's time to expand.
go forth and explore
upon some other shore.
build a colony there, i command!""
"
"if you study this planet's biology
crossed with broad geographic topology,
then you're up to your ears
in a specialty. peers
call this odd branch of science chorology.
"
"himalayas and alps ring my chimes;
bagged denali and hood seven times.
it's not getting old,
but these mountains are cold ?
off to kenya to seek warmer climbs.
"
"1917. russia. the power
of communists started to flower.
so don't tell my mommy
my best friend's a commie:
they'll send me right off to the tower.
"
"it must nourish, and must be digestible
(whether tasty or wholly detestable);
the food that we eat
for a meal or a treat:
each item is called a comestible.
"
"it's the past tense of can, and it would
be conditional sense if it should:
to acknowledge facility,
connote possibility;
you could say it all day if you could.
"
"the grades would be posted ? he waited.
his status on campus? ill-fated.
his cohorts in college
disdained gaining knowledge
from anything textbook-related.
"
"they must think i'm a sucker to squeeze.
all those internet offers ? puh-leeze!
local girls wait for me
though the mail's dot bz:
from a url based in belize.
"
"watch that guy on your right ? pass him wide
('cept in england ? your left is his side),
for it could be a killer,
the c-labeled pillar,
that blinds you to where he might hide.
"
"there's a door that's for her, and there's yours.
in sedans, usually doors come in fours.
hinge the rear doorway pair
on that b-pillar there.
(it's omitted on cars with two doors.)
"
"when audio came on cassette,
the capstan was used to beget
(pulling tape from the reel
with the pinch of a wheel)
constant speed for the output.  no sweat!
"
"as he left, carter started to chortle.
""a snub from their club's nothing mortal.
i don't need their high tone;
i shall charter my own,
with noseplugs beside every portal.""
"
"a chloroma's no cause for good humor,
should your marrow develop this tumor.
in uv, red is seen,
but its color is green.
it's leukemic. and none of that's rumor.
"
"""i know boris will never promote a
new plot down in south north dakota,""
said bullwinkle, ""for,
i am after him, sure,
but moosedly in north minnesota.""
"
"though this street jack had thought to be safe,
here he faced an esurient waif.
""go to hell! food ain't free!""
and then suddenly he
felt chagrin, having caved to a chafe.
"
"i'm a terrible baccarat player,
but i'll play anytime, anywhere.
""one more hand of chemin-
de-fer."" took un bain;
lost my pants; now i'm totally bare.
"
"'cause she's old the young studs often dissed her.
but design skills? i well could have kissed her!
in these days of the fet
we too often forget
the old bipolar junction transistor.
"
"""discomfort to make the hair curl.""
""in the bronx?!"" ""no, the bronchus. this girl
has a calcified bit
called a broncholith. it
sort of formed the same way as a pearl.""
"
"though it's surely not due to my lovin',
somehow jen's got a bun in the oven.
but she loves me? that's rich!
that poor son of a witch
she can raise with her friends in her coven.
"
"the catalog brimmed with seduction.
""plastic surgery iv: liposuction:
sucking cash in the guise
of diminishing thighs
is the aim of this course of instruction.""
"
"sticky fingers will make your mom groan.
no cup? don't eat ice cream alone.
use the conical wafer
that's edible ? safer
for clothing and neatness ? a cone.
"
"the colors: the sure way to learn
which horse leads as they come 'round the turn.
colored silks make you able
to id the stable:
distant horses are tough to discern.
"
"the candidate said, ""i should mention:
as your mayor i won't brook dissension.
there will be no debate
on the views that i state.""
thus he quickly fell out of contention.
"
"five years' harvest: it's time to start over.
next season, this field will grow clover
(fixing nitrogen while
making honeybees smile),
and i'll use it to exercise rover.
"
"i bag up my leaves for collection;
put the garden waste where? same direction.
the environment scene?
no way am i green.
i've a non compost mentis complexion.
"
"though she's young and myself a bit old,
for her heart i'd regard my soul sold.
my advance earned a stare
that soon turned to a glare ?
piercing eyes, steely gray, icy cold.
"
"se?or lopez was nice to invite us
to dinner ? but hell, it would bite us.
chili, queso, and beans,
and some watery greens
sent us home sporting mucous colitis.
"
"from the famed cornucopia flow
untold riches. its caretakers know:
want a pear? ten? or twenty?
the lush horn of plenty ?
not empty while zeus runs the show.
"
"resolute in the face of my flubs,
with toes taking thousands of stubs ?
my constancy finds
me with firmest of minds
and endurance.  like cheering the cubs.
"
"the hop to my lap gives me pause;
one of nature's immutable laws:
my cat will start kneading
and end up succeeding
in piercing my skin with her claws.
"
"at the end of each day, private sean
marches out to the pole on the lawn,
gives his bugle a toot,
fires a snappy salute,
and lowers the colors till dawn.
"
"one marshmallow's made for enjoying;
but several ? the taste gets annoying,
destroying the treatness:
a surfeit of sweetness
that some like myself would call cloying.
"
"i peered past her shoulder (i'm nosy).
""embroidered,"" she said, ""with a posy.
this soft, quilted form
clads a teapot that's warm.
stays that way half the day in a cozy.""
"
"""well, we both found the lamp,"" he decreed,
""with a genie. we're set."" i agreed.
""i'll make a concession
and give you possession,
but it's mine any time i'm in need.""
"
"on the street or at home you would see
him a milquetoast, polite as can be.
on the ballfield? he thrives;
with opponents, he strives
for the win; competition's the key.
"
"demolition is boring, perhaps:
soporific, but no time for naps,
for with loud detonation,
to thund'rous ovation ?
the crowd (and the building) collapse.
"
"""this (expletive!) tractor's defective!""
and he showered the thing with invective.
""seems nobody's manning
central soviet planning,
who set goals for this wayward collective.""
"
"as a soviet soldier you shine;
you're a communist true, by design.
your commissar teaches
(some might say he preaches)
the moscow-defined party line.
"
"the fugitive, brazen and bold,
fled the city ? came here, i've been told.
but that was last week;
when the cops came to seek
him, the trail had already turned cold.
"
"she'd had nine different ways to entwine.
then he sighed, ""we've done yours; let's try mine.""
said she, ""though i'm amenable
your position's untenable.
let's go and repeat number nine.""
"
"capillary: a thin tube to go
twixt the ""high side"" and that which is ""low"".
it maintains the essential
required differential
in pressure, when gas needs to flow.
"
"the veteran laid down his arms.
back at home, dulcet endings wield charms.
he dissects and he tallies
orchestral finales
and calls his estate coda farms.
"
"from his home in remote rancho frio,
wally sponsored a new cigarillo.
the business went broke ?
his wealth? up in smoke.
but the ad for the thing won a clio.
"
"a bit of spare change is a cinch:
i'll write for the news in a pinch.
they'll print the whole story
in all of its glory ?
and pay me for each column inch.
"
"my wife and myself ? what's the trick?
sixteen years now, we've run pretty thick.
it's sure not her butt
or the size of my gut,
but whatever it is ? man, we click!
"
"does your stereo chirrup and squeak?
has your datacom path sprung a leak?
reduced interference
means mulish adherence
to strong common-mode-path technique.
"
"his head may bear frizz or a crown;
his face, wear a grin or a frown.
his circus dog's bike'll
come 'round one more cycle,
but likely transporting: the clown.
"
"the tenor sang out a bel canto
of the beauty of downtown toronto.
that tall cn tower?
such grace and such power ?
i think that i'll visit there pronto!
"
"i can't keep my senses together;
i've come to the end of my tether.
the sneezing, the hacking;
the cough, body-racking ?
this cold has me under the weather.
"
"over sound like a thundering hammer
my voice faded off to a stammer.
that guy selling shellfish?
his boombox is selfish ?
i can't talk at all for the clamor!
"
"politicians feel no obligation
to fact, to enact legislation.
statistics abound
but are frequently found
to be groundless in firm correlation.
"
"""am i boring you? stayed out too late?""
eyelids flutter.  not good.  ""no, miss tate!
this theorem you've wrought
has me lost deep in thought,
which just looks like a comatose state.""
"
"the organist started to sweat:
at this part he would always forget
that page fourteen, line six,
he needs bells in the mix
by setting this stop: the clochette.
"
"as a day trader, archibald knox
felt invincible picking the stocks.
so cocksure of his skill,
he invested a mil:
lost his shirt, plus his pants and his socks.
"
"it's apparent that grief's no illusion;
since her passing, i've suffered confusion.
""solace dwells,"" she once wrote,
""in a corner remote.""
may my faith be renewed, in seclusion.
"
"""let her agent pick clothes to adorn her,""
moaned the second. ""i've tried hard to warn her:
won't matter one bit
when she finds she's been hit ?
my job's here, in the ring, in her corner.""
"
"politicians acclaimed the new sewer,
but as framed by one local reviewer:
""though their job is, mayhap,
to disseminate crap,
they've no corner on trade in manure.""
"
"i greeted the housemaid with gloom:
""it's not clean! there is dust in this room!""
""just the corners, i think,
so stop making a stink!
where the walls meet you can't work the broom.""
"
"""of my dreams,"" he thought, ""splendor is born,""
as the five stepped on stage on that morn:
fulfilling his mission ?
a grand composition
for flute, three kazoos, and a horn.
"
"the artist rocked back in his chair
as godiva reclined on the stair.
""not bad composition,
but i'm kind of wishin'
you didn't have all of that hair!""
"
"""this writing's not good ? this is great!""
said the prof, ""and an 'a' it would rate.
but your 'great' composition
grades 'f': this submission
shows up every year, the last eight!""
"
"though it's not my ambition to loll 'em
to sleep with my bi-weekly column,
my editor thought
stock analysis ought
to be colorless, boring, and solemn.
"
"if you study cognition you'll find
rapid thought marks an orderly mind.
current streams from the mains;
blood will course through the veins.
all flow in a path well-defined.
"
"the route is a certain prediction,
possessing a palpable striction.
river, traffic, or horse ?
will progress on its course
by prescription, and not by conviction.
"
"quite a marvel how concepts unfold:
words to limn what you cannot behold.
in the dark, no light's found.
places quiet? no sound.
and the absence of warmth is the cold.
"
"horn-shaped speakers called horns fill the void
if high volume's the way sound's enjoyed.
dome-shaped tweeters are best
for your highs; for the rest,
the conical cone is employed.
"
"for our passengers making this trip,
we've a packet describing the ship.
we collate in stages,
then fasten the pages,
and work at a pretty good clip.
"
"on its island along the equator,
the volcano resolved to grow greater.
a magma release
from its core would increase
the extent of the cone 'round its crater.
"
"i have tall piles of vinyl ? not jokin' ?
like hoboken daydreams unspoken.
not worthless! each platter
is skeet i can shatter
(some records are made to be broken).
"
"business methods? mine aren't the best,
but our menu will leave you impressed.
for the sake of expedience,
we cost the ingredients
and add thirty bucks for the rest.
"
"the cowbirds are impolite guests;
in bird-world they're parasites ? pests.
societal dregs,
they leave all their eggs
as foundlings in other birds' nests.
"
"the meeting's so physically small
that we both fit that room down the hall.
once we're seated inside,
the phone gets us tied
to six more, in a conference call.
"
"without slaves, ancient romans relate,
a colonus would work your estate.
he was ""free"" but a serf
who was tied to the turf,
and paid rent ? a solution first-rate.
"
"fifty-six. lost my job. winds are blowing.
what's in store? life is hellish, not knowing.
fate's heedless of age;
time to start a new page,
turn the corner, move on, and keep going.
"
"if it's puzzling, i'm like to be ho'ed
till it's solved, even though it is ode.
i'm apt to keep going
right through, always knowing
i'm secure, for the calmin' [sic] code.
"
"always writes to the newspapers, flappin';
gets neither rebuttal nor clappin'.
doesn't matter becuz his
crusade that he does is
of no consequence. nothing will happen.
"
"on x-y draw a circular zone.
add more circles on z. it's well known:
with a rigid parameter,
decreasing diameter,
at d = 0, a cone!
"
"he attended the interview session
wearing cutoffs ? a slight indiscretion?
though his r?sum? shone,
the decorum was blown,
which would color the lasting impression.
"
"it's a wedge, or an edge, or a pad;
with a coat of fine metal it's clad.
it's the contact that switches
electricity, which is
what keeps darkness from driving us mad.
"
"he had twisted his knee; on reflection,
had forgotten to wear his protection.
the redness was telling ?
he looked at the swelling.
""i'll get cortisone in by injection.""
"
"see the bulgemobile's acres of steel!
can't you see yourself holding the wheel?
one quick call to the bank,
you can wallow in swank.
step inside ? and then let's close the deal.
"
"in no tree? does this ariel dwell;
and it isn't a mer-maiden belle.?
though it sounds like a flier,?
perhaps a high wire,
it's just an arabian gazelle.
"
"one long night i was manning the board.
pc problems.  there's just no reward.
till a blonde hit the mark:
""my computer's gone dark!""
""hold it, miss.  did you unplug the cord?""
"
"twist some fibers together ? a string,
or a rope, lace, or similar thing.
cord might be a line
good for tyin', or some twine,
or the epaulets worn by the king.
"
"heavy items that move down and up
may remind you you're not a young pup.
so they hang from a pulley
or two, balanced fully
with canceling counterweights. yup!
"
"in describing a circle one might
sweep an arc from the top to the right.
this is perfectly sound ?
just keep going around;
clockwise motion is, here, what i cite.
"
"true or false, if you've stated a claim,
contrapositive logic's the same.
a rich bitch is a witch?
not a witch, no rich bitch
(which is useful if dating's your game).
"
"""grown so long are my toenails, i trip,""
said the giant. ""they need a good clip.
but the clippers they make
for the job always break,
so my chain saw's right here. let 'er rip!""
"
"with the burger or chicken, you're wooed.
then they say that that's not enough food.
add a heaping of fries,
and a coke, extra size;
with the combo your diet is screwed.
"
"your lunchroom decor makes me think:
perhaps you should visit a shrink.
with that ""five"" on the wall,
paint-by-number and all,
you have thrown in the old kitsch 'n' cinque.
"
"he contrived to avoid every chore;
when the sarge raked him over, he swore.
he's lacking the mien
to become a marine ?
a bad apple, gone bad to the corps.
"
"from the ship to the beach, we all sped.
""let's find snails for our dinner,"" i said.
but my comrades all held
that i ought to be shelled
and they gave me a conch on the head.
"
"in each octave, repeat c to b,
bearing alternate names do to ti;
contraoctave's the place
with exceptional bass,
starting three down below middle c.
"
"through the cable the data stream flowed, ex-
cept altered by hardware below decks.
compressed or encoded,
you had to explode it
to fathom it, using your codecs.
"
"be it business, a club, or a nation,
to complete some immense obligation,
the job will get done
if we're working as one ?
it merely takes cooperation.
"
"my wife asked how much i had tossed
for these tools.  seems the sales slip is lost.
i'm not out of the woods;
she turned over the goods:
there's a tag that displays what they cost.
"
"saut? scallops in butter till browned,
sprinkling lemon and pepper around.
stir in leftover stuff
till the cheese melts enough.
this concoction's the best that i've found.
"
"the bank can't detect what they're owed!
they report that their mail's overflowed!
the software's a mess;
we are under duress.
find the problem and fix the darn code!
"
"the cop sported language most coarse
after seventeen years on the force:
proving talk isn't cheap,
said, ""your mother's a bleep,""
thus inducing an instant divorce.
"
"said the chief, ""tell me, what's this about?""
86 whispered, ""can't talk without ...
cone of silence ... control ...
may have picked up a mole...""
you would think they'd get smart and bail out.
"
"it must be my face or my mien ?
at the airport, the ultimate screen:
wanded upside and down,
inside out, and aroun',
'til the sergeant pronounced i was clean.
"
"why my shower set ""full"" is a drizzle:
water hard 'nough to cripple a chisel.
the concrescence of scale
in my pipes will derail
any hopes of a soaking, fo' shizzle.
"
"leaning close to my ear, she will coo,
""wuzzims love huggy bear, wootchy-woo,""
thereby giving a sign
that her thoughts are like mine...
""does that mean that you love me?"" ""i do.""
"
"colla voce: th' accompanist's sign
that rubato or stretto's ""not mine"",
to not play what i read:
let the voice take the lead.
setting tempo's the soloist's line.
"
"the ticket is one she can't beat:
""intersection within fifty feet.""
i'd tried hard to warn her
i live on a corner ?
they won't let you park on the street.
"
"a singer named julian zombo
saw some cash to be made in a combo.
a drummer keeps pace
for guitarist and bass,
as they belt out the twist and the mambo.
"
"a copula, quick as a wink,
is a verb that expresses a link:
""that sounds good."" ""life seems free.""
but most often, to be,
as in, ""i am a thinker."" i think.
"
"in the midst of life's moments of grief,
may come something, no matter how brief,
that helps us to deal
with the stress that we feel ?
fleeting smiles due to comic relief.
"
"orville maundered like one cast adrift.
""i don't think we can do it,"" he sniffed.
wilbur said, ""get the beer!
i've an airfoil here
that's a sure bet to give us a lift.""
"
"mostly all of my friends, say reports,
think i'm most of the time out of sorts.
but the briefs that i wear
have initials i bear ?
bvd ? what they call me for shorts.
"
"they walked an irregular beat;
slipped through london on urchinate feet.
though sherlock is gone,
their image lives on,
in baker (they're named for the) street.
"
"my wife kept up constant haranguings
'bout my hammers and chisels and bangings.
it's artwork for sale
to the new county jail,
but they said, ""we don't want any hangings.""
"
"the apocryphal man from nantucket
found a pound of meringue in a bucket ?
as he wiped off his chin,
halfway through, with chagrin
said, ""i'll stop now before i upchuck it.""
"
"the sentry who's guarding the loot
has sharp eyes and his hearing's acute.
play the wise guy? think twice.
his challenge concise:
""say who's there or i swear that i'll shoot!""
"
"cartilaginous structures are grown;
some eventually turn into bone.
these structures' creation
is chondrification,
commuting the mesenchyme clone.
"
"for five decades my darling nicole,
as my wife, has made everything whole.
her presence transcends
the dark that attends;
her hand serves to cheer up my soul.
"
"when a church or a courthouse grows high,
let a piece of it reach for the sky.
to summon or warn
(as well as adorn),
a bell tower catches your eye.
"
"roger redbeard was truly obsessed ?
all that treasure was leaving him stressed.
""they can kiss my patootie;
they'll not touch my booty.
it's locked in my strongbox, this chest.""
"
"poor performance, as viewed by adults,
earns a grade lazy kids say insults.
but we learn compensation
and edification
are commensurate with our results.
"
"is the candidate red? purple? green?
or some alternate shade in between?
should his private-life blues
make the six o'clock news ?
his true colors? he'll have to come clean.
"
"""three coins in the fountain."" hooray!
""come fly with me,"" please, ""day by day.""
the records have shown
that sinatra was known
as a cahn artist true, ""all the way.""
"
"a mechanic by name of mcfinn
for a lassie felt urges within.
'twas his manager's daughter;
with hopes that he'd caught her
he gave her a gold cotter pin.
"
"while wishing his work come of age,
he envisions his plays all the rage.
his soft prayer: some producer
declare, ""i need you, sir.
i'll commission a piece for the stage.""
"
"a playwright with name recognition
was wooed with a broad proposition.
""we'd like something new
for our theater to do,
and we'll pay you a handsome commission.""
"
"in bermuda the old politician
faced the fear of his life ? extradition.
twelve years they had sought
him for crimes he had wrought.
he'll go back to the place of commission.
"
"my son took a salesman's position
with one underlying condition:
no paycheck except
a percentage that's kept
from each sale that he's made ? his commission.
"
"the governor said, ""we don't know
if this winter will bring us much snow.
i'll appoint a commission
to scout this condition,
my son ably running the show.""
"
"the sound of the cowbell was planned
to find bossy when lost on your land.
but its maker confides
he more often provides
them for use now as noise for the band.
"
"his contrary views are well known;
were he king, he could rule on his own.
but he's claimed the dominion
of public opinion
and will not relinquish his throne.
"
"ted the baker and chandu the brahman
know the places in town to find tom in.
if a favorite of his be
the game known as frisbee,
he'll be on the field called the common.
"
"the cells of a tissue are found
in an aggregate, linked, joined, or bound.
but a corpuscle ""floats""
by itself, which connotes
that it's suited to moving around.
"
"""we've got company coming the 1st!""
armed for cleaning, we kids all dispersed.
i asked, full of soap,
""it's bill clinton? the pope?""
""it's my mother-in-law! she's the worst!""
"
"nursery rhymes cite a gardener named mary
whom the verse represents as contrary.
well different she be:
silver bells hint that she
would fare better as james barrie's fairy.
"
"wore my sweater just like i'd been told.
came december and winter took hold,
when my mom barked, ""you fool,
wear your parka to school!
don't you realize the weather's turned cold?""
"
"a novice repudiates fun
once her service to god has begun.
though the world be his oyster,
not so in the cloister ?
man's influence? zero to none.
"
"a midshipman of great erudition
the marines called a brilliant tactician.
""go forth from these halls,
prep for overseas brawls,
and accept your lieutenant's commission.""
"
"i swore that i'd love her for life;
done stayed here through good times and strife.
we dint need no court
or no things of that sort.
seven years ? she's my common-law wife.
"
"like as not mass-produced ? i'd be wary
of lunch at the next commissary.
on the filmmaker's lot
that's where food might be hot,
but the odds are the taste doesn't vary.
"
"herpetologists chewing the fat
note that rattlers are constant, in that,
when sunning on soil,
they favor a coil ?
why do snakes always wind up like that?
"
"the compressor's as old as the hills,
spraying paint, making ice for your swills.
its pistons go ""squoosh"",
giving gases a push,
and with nowhere to go, pressure builds.
"
"from new york, montr?al, and lausanne,
our salesmen converge on taiwan.
a conference is planned
to air issues at hand,
and come evening they'll all tie one on.
"
"we have ice bags and toe tags, galore.
need examiners (medical)? sure!
if your morgue's small in size,
hire one of our guys ?
check the buys at the coroner store.
"
"jerry's seafood, down somewhere in dade ?
clam-shaped spoons. scallop plates. table's laid.
the bistro's motif?
bivalve shells in relief:
a conchiform theme on parade.
"
"common carriers often use trucks ?
trains or planes make the service deluxe.
they ship people, or freight,
at a circumspect rate,
disregarding who's paying the bucks.
"
"my recycler's instructions begin,
""we don't want all your paper mixed in.""
his ads need a jingle:
""plastics? metal? commingle.
but paper? a separate bin.""
"
"since i don't really trust market forces,
i've always backed disparate horses.
but that hole in the wall?
i'll consolidate all
of my teapot and mattress resources.
"
"neither saw, late at night in the growth,
the threat, as the two pledged their troth.
a commorient, each
to the other, my speech
will remember the loss of them both.
"
"on my street you can hear high heels click,
for the sidewalk (the pavement) runs thick.
it's a natural red,
nothing added ? it's said
that they built it of plain common brick.
"
"she's a hellcat of fame down in natchez;
caught on radar, they batten the hatches.
""wrecked my eyes,"" one bewails.
""check the size of her nails.
i got clapperclawed; look at the scratches.""
"
"though i'd thought that the loan would be minor,
my credit eye's sporting a shiner.
the collateral angle?
tangential, a tangle.
i'll lean on my dad as cosigner.
"
"as the funeral mourners emerge,
at the casket two pipers converge.
for liam mcshea,
who'll be buried today,
there's a coronach (gaelic, a dirge).
"
"the sewer man dropped by today;
trimmed some roots, bored some pipes, and said, ""hey!
at the sight of such cloggage
my mind's in agoggage:
'bout forty-three years' worth, i'd say!""
"
"we've such mire and muck in the bogs,
we should probably start raising hogs.
but what's worse than that stink?
this excuse for a sink:
every week, clear the drain when it clogs.
"
"at our clinic, the sick won't get worse,
and we'll fix random ailments diverse.
a doc will come by
once a week, on the fly,
to solve problems too deep for the nurse.
"
"""seen ed?"" apprehension and fright
drained the face of his roommate to white.
i reply, ""if i know ed,
he's out with a coed
and hopes you won't see him tonight.""
"
"the nicest dessert she can buy
at the bakery, for me, is peach pie.
though with cling peaches, it's
much improved without pits,
i'll still eat every bit she'll supply.
"
"""to our merger! may all of you guys
see us burgeon and grow to great size.
we will now clinch the deal;
may these rivets of steel
be the symbols of strength in these ties.""
"
"i needed a nail in a pinch.
one i found was too long by an inch.
i drove the nail through,
but that point wouldn't do,
so i hammered it flat ? that's a clinch.
"
"here's a secret i keep under wraps:
through the daytime i sneak little naps.
then i get home to life
with my partying wife ?
i'll make midnight before i collapse.
"
"i own one of those grandiose clocks;
in the back i release a few locks.
it collapses its form
to a half of its norm,
which permits it to fit in its box.
"
"three long years the man fiddled and fussed
and, with painstaking care, carved a bust;
then with sandpaper coarse
and a bit too much force,
in three minutes reduced it to dust.
"
"a type series shows what you've got
in a species, to cover the lot.
the apotype, well,
is an extra one....  hell!
now my appetite's spoiled for bot.
"
"there are services trite, or bizarre:
wax your toes, breed your pig, wash your car.
but real items for trade,
farmed or mined, sometimes made,
are commodities, sold near and far.
"
"""that new video card's for the birds!""
""so says who?"" ""says my father, you turds!""
such plain declarations
may bear connotations ?
what's unsaid may say more than the words.
"
"""laugh you will at me?"" grandpappy snorted.
""hear i you with my aspect disported?""
twisted 'round, you would say,
in a yoda-esque way,
speaks he words in an order contorted.
"
"at the jeweler's, the guy asked (dim-witted),
""what size are you? ever been fitted?""
not seeing this bit meant
a bit of commitment,
he probably should be committed.
"
"i used to smoke pot on the green;
do some crack, not to mention caffeine.
but three months in that place
wiped the grin off my face,
and my case? ever since, i've been clean.
"
"anatomically speaking, expect
to find structures that interconnect.
if you guess one's a cord,
there's no special award,
'cause it looks like a rope, last i checked.
"
"professional types (engineers?)
will discourse in harmonious spheres.
but a body collegial,
when pressed, under siege, 'll
not rest with obloquial smears.
"
"heat your house; mix an air-fuel blend ?
sense the output, then inputs amend.
no need to be leery;
control has its theory
that's really banal in the end.
"
"certain goods you might offer for sale
will have trimmings, or scraps. the defrayal
of this loss will be met
by two pounds that you get
per three hundred, the cloff, on your scale.
"
"our members plant trees there and here;
our funders did not disappear.
we'll look at the curve and see
how well our conservancy
can help sustain forests this year.
"
"""the smith stole my horse cart!"" i cried.
""you think the duke cares?"" the guard sighed.
then, with some condescension,
he lent his attention ?
his conscience had bested his pride.
"
"to the salt of the earth, raise our glasses:
not of royalty, knows not what class is;
no position, no rank,
no great hoard in the bank;
to the common man, one of the masses.
"
"i write little poems, for sale.
four lines of critique ? a betrayal?
for every chastushka
i send my babushka,
i spend three more months in the jail.
"
"in size, zygo's twenty-four karat.
he likes seeds ? or some pastry or claret.
the cockatoo's found
in the places around
australasia: a great big white parrot.
"
"isn't rusting combustion? not quite.
iron merges with oxygen. right.
but it's fast oxidation
that drives the creation
of fire ? the heat and the light.
"
"p-i-d provides tightest control
in the fanciest tools, on the whole,
self-correcting for error.
you need not feel terror
it's askew, when perfection's the goal.
"
"the cowboy lets fly his riata
as far as he thinks that he otta.
he misses the steeah
(so would you, were you heah)
and he ropes in the rancherman's dotta.
"
"to accumulate ticks, or keep time,
a counter's the circuit sublime.
be it decimal or hex,
you can buy either sex,
or use software, which now's in its prime.
"
"staining cells is a process that's wise
for histologists ? tissue-test guys.
patent law has a thread
from the stock congo red,
a most vital of aniline dyes.
"
"contemporary people are those
of a similar time. i suppose
you could note tom and huck;
chip 'n' dale and mcduck;
but buck rogers? well, anything goes.
"
"i could think about moving to france.
i could contemplate studying dance.
but when lost deep in thought
my mind's always caught
by the dream of a first-rate romance.
"
"you say you don't know there's a drought?
you don't know what a freeze is about?
you'll wash your mercedes
to dazzle the ladies?
you contemptible, odious lout!
"
"from the kitchen, my wife could be heard ?
""in our yard, there's this gray and white bird.
from its plumage i'd say
it's a canada jay.""
so i came, and i saw; i concurred.
"
"the contract discussions were dead.
to the bottlers, management said
in the tersest of phrases:
""we're not giving raises,
but just pepsi cola instead.""
"
"i had thrown a few thou in the pot;
from the split ? 3-for-1's what i got.
no, i don't need thermometers
or market barometers
to know it's unbearably hot!
"
"ride the horses ? just you and your gal!
family picnics ? a great new locale!
we serve cheap wine in shots;
there's a slide for the tots ?
the chute at the tokay corral.
"
"a piano and exercise bike
call for living space ? so, what i'd like
is a major-league condo
that's naught if not mondo ?
my door to my neighbor's? a hike.
"
"""listen up, men, and end your damn chatter.
christian's lost, which could cost this whole matter.
if contact is made,
then our action's ok'ed ?
else we're toast and the boats better scatter.""
"
"have a clapbread, not really a bread ?
made with oatmeal, a thin cake that's said
to be ""clapped out"" (not batted),
or carefully patted,
and baked. it tastes good with a spread.
"
"""forget food.  i prefer fine cuisine ?
'cause the kitchen is guaranteed clean.""
most jokes gastronomical,
if odd, droll, or comical,
get laughs in my stand-up routine.
"
"when dancers need answers, they know
choreographers spruce up the show.
make a jump; the addition
of second position,
while airborne, is called a ciseaux.
"
"bistros bristle beside biscayne bay;
i wish biscuits and fish on the quay.
with this dish which i ask
is a bisque strictly basque
briskly whisked from the bay of biscay.
"
"commercial, as commonly spoken,
means ""for business"" ? the label's not jokin'.
end users are barred:
watch your step; hold your guard.
they won't help if your widget is broken.
"
"perfect sound, upper tier, in the rear;
like a bell, purest notes to the ear;
no distortion, no static,
right up to the attic.
what's heard is abidingly clear.
"
"unfuzzy, unwarped, not a smear;
in focus and spotless, no blear.
undistorted, precise;
flawless crystal, pure ice.
if you're getting this message, it's clear.
"
"if your muscles are strained, overstressed,
you can start out by getting some rest.
an appliance caloric
that's nigh prehistoric,
a pad that makes heat, might be best.
"
"i can copy the words on a page.
i can copy a stance from the stage.
but success on my own?
i will stumble, alone ?
a pain and a bane of old age.
"
"our host did his best with the part ?
he was cordial and warm from the start.
the latin word cor
says it all, maybe more,
in describing it thus: from the heart.
"
"my boss's discourse is a code.
anger wells? he can't carry the load.
when approaching combustion,
his language turns fustian.
no question, he's primed to explode.
"
"""tell me, how do i know that you're you?""
""lamb chops stink.""  words that should get him through.
it's his sign, said with ease.
""what's the countersign, please?""
i don't want him to shoot.  ""yes, they do.""
"
"perry como ? a voice that would croon
a pleasant, melodious tune.
he brought to society
tv variety
and songs, always ended too soon.
"
"here's a notion to ponder upon:
have a vcr placed by your john.
then you don't have to clap;
you can laugh at the crap
that never quite made it to cannes.
"
"there's my wall.  while i find myself hoping
the cap to be suitably sloping
to ward off the water,
i think that i oughter
top off with a sound course of coping.
"
"on my maps for the route i select,
for efficiency, every road's checked.
but no matter the graphic,
the pattern of traffic
runs counter to what i expect.
"
"the us and australia: these share
a societal fabric that's rare.
their peoples are blended,
from comelings descended ?
there are natives, but find them? like, where?
"
"""so my nephew is gay,"" said aunt kate.
""a good girl's what he needs ? put him straight.""
(a cockamamie notion
of utter emotion
that's not worth a word of debate.)
"
"""whatcha hidin' for later?"" asked paul
as i dealt. ""the deck's awfully small!""
""i'm not cheating, you dummy!
the game isn't rummy,
it's conquian, gramps of them all.""
"
"in the space used for news, as a rule,
is a mural that illustrates yule ?
mixing holiday mirth
with the words ""peace on earth,""
concreated at middlesex school.
"
"three non-aligned points will ordain
a flat slice, or an infinite plane.
a coplanar dot
perforce is a spot
that this functional set will contain.
"
"as my sweetheart so often predicts ?
choice is scanty out here in the sticks.
the kids will be pleased
if they get mickey-dee'sed,
for the time must be close onto six.
"
"it's a chancy and thankless career,
dank and dirty, for year upon year.
the collier mines coal
so that great big brown pole
will bring power to cool down your beer.
"
"the collier makes charcoal by grillin'
raw wood till it's blackened. not thrillin'.
lots of pushin' and shovin'
in and out of the oven,
while the man with the hives makes a killin'.
"
"my wife says ""ah'm goin' to hale,""
and the cops want to throw me in jail.
i may bibble a bit
but i don't care one whit ?
time to head to the bar for some ale.
"
"the bumpkin moved into the city;
at each dawn, buoyed his soul with this ditty:
""i'll become debonair,
sport a citified air.
they won't know that my home's itty-bitty.""
"
"certain baseball terms need some explaining.
one fielder's a gymnast by training;
those skills are a match
for a circus catch, natch,
which the fan base finds most entertaining.
"
"for my upcoming trial i'll need
help from one bonny lawyer, indeed.
which says nothing of beauty,
rather skill in his duty.
(but should he become she, i'll accede.)
"
"to the trade shows for autos, each year,
comes a concept car, looking most queer.
this future edition
won't come to fruition:
its features will cost something dear.
"
"at the caucus, the outlook was clear ?
our candidate's drive dropped a gear.
but he took to the phone
in conciliatory tone,
""my congrats! let's move forward from here.""
"
"rivet clinch nuts in parts you're supplying
if sheet-metal screws keep on dying.
it's a nut that's consigned
to where access is blind
(and you won't cut your fingers off trying).
"
"modern software is network-compliant
'cause much is completely reliant
on data, remote,
to keep it afloat;
to the server it's known as a client.
"
"""all those tools that at one time were plugged
to the wall have gone cordless,""  i shrugged.
twelve-volt motors allow
portability now ?
and extension-cord salesmen are bugged.
"
"every day you see lights on a pole.
red means ""stop""; green says ""go""; you've a role:
they allow you to go,
or they stave off the flow;
called on-off, it's your basic control.
"
"there are boilerplate speeches, pre-planned;
then the programs as played by a band;
from a playbook, a page,
or a shtick on the stage;
predetermined and practiced, they're ""canned"".
"
"""forest 32a"" was a bust.
they went back to the huddle, nonplussed.
but the guy on the mike
kept on blathering, like
endless commentary must be a must.
"
"""3 am on the freeway"" ? a graphic
that spawns an expression seraphic;
cars gracefully merge
where the on-lanes converge,
an effortless concourse of traffic.
"
"two impoverished substitute teachers
shared a house bearing bungaloid features:
not pretentious at all,
more the smallest of small,
but a mansion ? for poor country preachers.
"
"never giving opponents an inch,
winning basketball games is a cinch.
about twelve should be plenty ?
we won't need near twenty ?
for championships we should clinch.
"
"i carefully placed a connector
on a lead-in that tapped the collector.
my transistorized toy
was now prepped for my ploy ?
plugged it in to my girlfriend and wrecked her.
"
"i've a bipolar junction transistor
i got from my girlfriend's big sister.
i connected its base
to a sensitive place ?
and now i'm unbeaten at twister.
"
"have a medical problem to tame?
try dementor ? remember its name!
but beware! things can worsen ?
bein' pregnant, or nursin',
contraindicates use of the same.
"
"it's as plain as the nose on your face,
or as dull as a turtle apace ?
a commonplace word,
but it's rather absurd:
we eschew any comma in place.
"
"for right-angle gouging, just watch:
corner chisels will form the right notch.
a specialty tool ?
if you own one, you're cool.
do the job that a fool's sure to botch.
"
"there's a lock in the knob of your door.
it's a stock type of lock, nothing more.
a key with its ridges
moves pins a few smidges,
and spins the cylindrical core.
"
"in the glacier are strata galore
that the scientists wish to explore.
going in's a bit chill,
so they get out their drill,
and extract a nice sample ? a core.
"
"when the membership starts to grow strong
(which is what you'd conceived all along),
the cadre, or core,
will assist you before
all the rookies do things that go wrong.
"
"though you've made a good case that it might
look like open-and-shut, black-and-white ?
though your premise holds promise,
my nickname is thomas;
you'll have to convince me you're right.
"
"the convict was sent to the pen
so he'd never cause trouble again.
lock him up, toss the key,
till the king sets him free ?
life was simpler, some ways, way back when.
"
"the appliance that's known as a popper
has a vessel for corn, like a hopper.
oil's heated (or air)
to pop popcorn. take care
to add butter and salt, to be proper.
"
"it's a post on the deck, or a pair,
with a lintel, at times. now take care
to bitt a strong cable:
exceedingly stable,
this mooring, or towing, affair.
"
"up in maine, stayed at one of their inns ?
smallish room, and the bed set is ""twins"".
""does the common room hold
any lure for the old?""
said the clerk, ""eight's when bingo begins.""
"
"a denominator's what is divided
into numbers or entities cited.
if its concept befits
random disparate bits,
then it's common, and neither is slighted.
"
"find the tenderest flesh, so discreet
in diaphanous film, such a treat;
by this carpel excited,
my craving's requited:
a segment of citrus, how sweet!
"
"body toxins and blocks? how to cure 'em:
use the herb that is known as bupleurum.
but don't overdo it;
with headaches tied to it,
you might find it tough to endure 'em.
"
"mumlock jones said, ""i'd bet my last dime
that ? these murders? there's only one slime.
let me colligate acts
by the similar facts
that were found at each scene of the crime.""
"
"pound black pepper and garlic, a treat
of a relish for chicken i eat.
but i'm truly confused ?
in a mortar contused,
how does one say it cannot be beat?
"
"i fix faucets and high-pressure showers;
get parts from the stockroom at bauer's.
no matter my needs,
the counterman pleads,
""i'm backed up. please come back in two hours.""
"
"there's a theory that cash will down-trickle;
for its value i won't give a nickel ?
conceptually grand
for the few in command,
but the masses below? in a pickle.
"
"a classic of music lives on,
be he mozart, or kern... elton john.
some stars make me vomit;
no sweat. like a comet,
big flash ? looky looky! ? they're gone.
"
"mr. smith's a bit crackers; here's why:
""flat earth"" is a concept he'll buy.
he clings to the notion
that, somewhere, the ocean
has edges. he'll sail off and die.
"
"the dutch carved the world a fine treat:
handmade clogs for the bogs and the street.
wrought from willow, the klompen
are handy when trompin'
through tulips, and easy on feet.
"
"i confronted the profligate benny.
""talk of morals? you've never shown any.
in conclusion, my son ?
viz, to wit, i am done ?
you have screwed up just one time too many!""
"
"""for my final, and greatest, illusion,
see the moose?"" his voice brimmed with effusion.
then the audience cheered
as his wife disappeared.
""that's what i call a brilliant conclusion!""
"
"we've a nine-year-old woman named ben,
married seven years, give or take ten.
made two million last year
as a waitress. i fear
that our data's corrupted ? again.
"
"herb's new opus in f starts pesante;
on page two, moves to soothing andante.
then with zest and with zing
forged to make the house sing,
it concludes in a rousing brillante.
"
"ray removed his toupee amidst stares.
""didn't mean to be putting on hairs.""
with a line so outrageous,
their laughter's contagious ?
the dominoes fall off their chairs.
"
"as the fault he divined grabbed attention,
an idea in his mind took dimension:
a concept, a notion
that starts things in motion
and eventually leads to invention.
"
"the word caulome's not of my inventance;
you say ""column""? you owe some repentance.
of a plant's stem (in fact, sis):
it's the structure, or axis.
dare you now use this word in a sentence?
"
"there are products that oft can be found
with a search; but in time, pound for pound,
for results unassailable,
go commercially available:
it beats yard sales and such, all around.
"
"on tv is a sweet-talking guy:
""we have bargains galore, don't be shy!
what's the problem? what is it
that puts off your visit?
next time you're in town, please come by!""
"
"at least three hundred pounds, maybe greater,
walt still fancied himself as a skater.
""for your speed to improve
learn the bunny hop move.""
so he tried. now the rink has a crater.
"
"the architect's specialty wares
were designs to attract millionaires.
but he'd always insist
that a lift should exist,
and consistently drew some blank stairs.
"
"once his trayful of slides is put down,
harry pauses and puts on his gown;
then he calls to the guys
with the diazo dyes
for a vial that's marked bismarck brown.
"
"""it's been nice doing business with you ?
i have only an hour or two.
could you show me your store?
just the highlights, no more.
if a cook's tour's arranged, that'll do.""
"
"it could have decayed to a fight ?
lords and peasants, same pub, the same night.
but with copresence noted,
the churls all got loaded,
while girls wheedled coins in delight.
"
"take a hamlet or town, something small.
as it grows, for defense, build a wall.
this aggrandization
bodes citification,
like shops spreading out to a mall.
"
"just a bangle he wears? faulty thought.
it's a bringsel; the dog has been taught
if this stick's in his jaws,
humans follow him 'cause
he is saying he's found what he sought.
"
"any kid, playing fast, running hard,
minds the clothesline that's strung in the yard.
thus an arm to the neck
is to clothesline, a check
that in football, at least, has been barred.
"
"are you paranoid? let this encumba ya.
if they know that you're watchin', they'll numba ya:
""a tv-type guy,""
says the cbs eye.
which is broadcasting system, columbia.
"
"don't know why anyone might malign a
swell bird like my pet long-tailed mynah.
he likes bugs to eat,
but his favorite treat
is a slice of the sweet orange, china.
"
"our schedules are synchronized so
that the treatment's on pace, and we'll know
we have cinchonized mary, a
girl with malaria?
dosage must reach a plateau.
"
"doubled text, on one page, face-to-face,
called a chirograph. words in the ""space""?
no mysterious riddle ?
when cut in the middle,
a contract two men could embrace.
"
"to conduce (widely followed by to)
is ""to tend to,"" as of a milieu,
with environment fair
or a fav'rable air
for whatever it is you would do.
"
"if it's folded to fan open wide,
and when squeezed, gets much smaller inside,
and looks like a bellows:
accordion, fellows,
doesn't mean there's a feline that's died.
"
"it may be that your wood is too thin
for driving a nail or two in.
here a clinch nail might do ?
it's designed to go through
like a staple, a soft, pliant pin.
"
"every movement i make in succession
the gorilla repeats with aggression.
her psyche behooves
that she copycat moves,
that she ape. why the feline expression?
"
"i saw your new play friday night,
and i viewed it with less than delight.
the plot left me wincing ?
not very convincing ?
reality begs you rewrite.
"
"antique fashions among the well-heeled
had the bongrace, a brimmed hat (a shield),
to provide some protection
for eyes and complexion;
from sun was a lady concealed.
"
"the alchemist said, ""well, it's hot.
to the crucible, next add the shot.""
it's time for cibation:
that's feeding a ration
of stock to the mix in the pot.
"
"coats-of-arms? mine goes back a long way.
if my family seal you survey,
you'll remark that the shield
lies atilt in its field;
we're not drunks ? angled shields are ""couch?"".
"
"it was petrograd, always, for her.
to the end, she wore garments of fur.
my babushka, last year,
passed away ? grandma dear....
that image, may time never blur.
"
"thrust and counter-thrust? fencing's not me.
i like board games, and cards. c'est la vie.
play the card, ""you've a flat.""
(think i'm smart, doing that!)
""coup fourr?!"" shouts my brother, with glee.
"
"on the meld, certain face cards earn more
in the pinochle card games for four.
during play, though, is when
all the aces, each ten,
and the kings are the counters: they score.
"
"he's the chief of the largest of tribes;
all the rest heed the law he prescribes.
but a few earn some perks
with a method that works:
bringing wampum and women as bribes.
"
"differential equations (please burn 'em)
cause derivative pain in my sternum.
the concepts of math
lead you down a strange path
but you don't know your stuff till you learn 'em.
"
"were the earth to revolve n:1
on its annual trip 'round the sun,
then the years wouldn't leap
each quadrennial sweep ?
making common years special to none.
"
"not a braggart, i'm never a boaster;
still my face graces ride-a-way's poster,
'cause the size of my grin
is as wide as the spin
from the hills and the loops of their coaster.
"
"please forgive a critique that's not bidden,
but with clutter this painting is ridden.
though my mind could be jogged
by this work, it's too clogged
with distractions; the point's deeply hidden.
"
"""one small point on my last illustration:
i would offer a clarification.
i make no pretense;
if my words don't make sense,
let them match your exact inclination.""
"
"""take these pills; you'll be fifty pounds thinner!""
""read this ad! you're a guaranteed winner!""
you'll find yourself peeved
if such claptrap's believed ?
someone else will be eating your dinner.
"
"it's an obvious pun stated here,
that the color of water is clear.
suspensions need cleaning ?
water's clarified, meaning
we make what's opaque disappear.
"
"i conferred with my candidate son.
""i'd been sure this election was won
with no way to go wrong!""
""well,"" he countered, ""i'm strong
on the issues. but character? none.""
"
"to conspire: to develop a plan ?
one requiring that more than one man
help in plotting its ways
through the strategy phase.
this is how fishing weekends began.
"
"finished painting, i gave her a wink.
""the room's done ? tell me, what do you think?""
""this color called coral
looks somewhat immoral,
like body parts, orangey pink.""
"
"my language will make your hair curl.
i lift weights, guzzle beer, and hunt squirrel.
i believe i'll contend
(and prevail in the end)
for the title of ""manliest girl"".
"
"playing cards, with a drink to deface
freddie's baize, i left marks at my space.
according to hoyle,
my glass won't despoil
the felt if a coaster's in place.
"
"though my neighbors are given to spats,
with their kids, it becomes dogs and cats.
she'll scold them all night ?
considers it right
to clapperclaw misbehaved brats.
"
"par four and two shots off the tee,
the duffer stood back, said, ""let's see.
the putt's slightly up,
seven feet to the cup.
camera time:  watch the birdie!  in three!""
"
"it's cobwebbed, jejune, all a jumble;
i stutter, i mutter, i mumble.
psyche ag?d, outmoded,
my brain's overloaded:
it starts, so corroded, to crumble.
"
"i wish i could drive after saucing
my brain, for my wife's fond of bossing.
she offers direction
at each intersection:
""left, right! straight ahead!"" ? every crossing.
"
"""i can sit on the floor for this script ?
sit cross-legged, for sure,"" simon quipped,
""with my knees to each side
and my feet under-thighed.""
""well, your zipper had better get zipped!""
"
"ham's my hobby ? i feel no remorse;
put my ears up, then tap my resource:
""dah-dih-dah-dit."" (aha!)
and then, ""dah-dah-dih-dah.""
that's ""cq"".  someone answered, of course.
"
"they say he's no use. that's a croc,
with a tooth that's the size of a clock.
an exacting inspection
of muh gator projection
shows road maps of france and iraq.
"
"jane peered below decks and she thought her
dad's boat was aslosh.  what a daughter!
it looked like a sump,
so she bought him a pump
to ensure that the bilge not have water.
"
"of the compound called coumalin, used
once in rat poison, be disabused.
electroluminescence
finds this liquid the essence
of filtering light thus diffused.
"
"free electrons, if mobile enough,
make conductors of crystalline stuff.
the current will swoosh
with a bit of a push
when some voltage applies huff and puff.
"
"in my judgment, lou's wholly unsuited:
check out this result he's computed.
his logic consists
of oblique turns and twists
in a path one would call convoluted.
"
"in the channel, beginning your voyage,
you will note, port and starboard, the buoyage:
a system of floats
for safe passage of boats;
to the fish, though, a source of annoyage.
"
"i find ""bronze"" (as i search with a frown).
there it is! near to ""maple"", just down.
it's not named for my honey
though they share the name ""bunny"",
it's called, on the chart, ""bismarck brown"").
"
"it's agreed, as the norm, as three years
for the timeframe when jesus drew cheers.
but a bipaschal scheme,
to a few, it would seem,
fits in ""baptized"" to calvary's tears.
"
"today, as i went to get dressed,
i called, ""love! have you seen my red vest?""
""it was left on the floor;
now it's in the top drawer,""
she said, ""where it belongs ? in the chest.""
"
"we can all recall manny o'keefe
as a troublesome kid, past belief.
but the cops in our town
are the best ones aroun'
since he rose to the top ? he's the chief.
"
"when your sibling falls down, scrapes his knees:
""mommy, mommy! it hurts! fix it, please!""
with a cotton ball, mother
can swab baby brother;
disinfection protection's a breeze.
"
"collectibles: things of a kind
such as hummels, or teapots you find.
but the space that they use
gives my sweetheart the blues,
so it's coins to which i've been inclined.
"
"oh, the french fries will get to you quicker
than all but the butts and the liquor.
the coronary bypass
lets one chance to die pass,
and freshens the lease on your ticker.
"
"our school teaches kids the 3 c's:
comprehension of words such as these;
calculation of sums
without fingers and thumbs;
and chirography, writing with ease.
"
"he's an untethered hound on the loose.
""we've a mission!"" ""too bad. no excuse.""
he's planning a takeover,
forcing a makeover ?
co-opting our troops for his use.
"
"alkalimetry uses a base
of known volume ? a pint, or a trace.
whether potent or placid,
it reacts with an acid,
thus measuring strength, either case.
"
"got a note via post this past week:
foreign letters, a message oblique.
they're cyrillic, i bet ?
looks like russian ? and yet,
from the postmark, it ought to be greek.
"
"your computer has slowed to a crawl?
it's your standards for speed.  now think small.
double-density floppies,
dds: i've some copies
of zork but can't read them at all.
"
"jagged starbursts of pain felt since birth
pressed his mind to ask, ""what's it all worth?""
he took extra pills
meant to lessen his ills
and came close to departing this earth.
"
"""cost-of-diesel has frightful effects
on the balance sheet,"" freddy reflects.
""a freight train's the ticket
to value that's slick. it
will pay us to use csx.""
"
"think those 78s don't survive?
take the a train along for a drive.
a big band's still a thriller.
in the mood for glenn miller?
the dorseys? the '40s were live!
"
"an adder of bit-length notation
is an ex-or, in basic formation.
but when ""1"" and ""1"" marry,
they output a carry
that's summed in the next combination.
"
"watch the civil rights movement unfold
in the '60s, in carmichael's mold:
""though the reverend king
tells us 'peace' is the thing,
we'll not beg for black power we hold.""
"
"1820s discussion went so:
""out of baltimore, baby, let's go!""
""to savannah?"" ""no way ?
to columbus, i'd say,
on the rails of the great b&amp;o.""
"
"a beggar of fame and renown
plied the byways of old london town.
toss a tuppence his way,
he would hound you each day
till he'd touched you for more than a crown.
"
"every flight has a prefix ? a code ?
on the number the airline's bestowed.
cx is specific
to cathay pacific:
and so into hong kong we rode.
"
"""think the law might become your life's journey?""
posed a musically gifted attorney.
""don't give up the travail;
squaring justice's scale ?
ups and downs ? asks as much as did czerny.""
"
"in a cave mostly damp, moist, and dank,
lived a poet of less than first rank.
""rank's right,"" sniffed one reader.
""his word choice and meter?
my nose knows a rose, and this stank.""
"
"since he heard i was into cross-dating,
my girlfriend's big brother's been waiting.
archeologically sound,
a site's age can be found
using similar sites and equating.
"
"shares of stock and the corporate game
are too much for small owners, they claim.
save taxpaying twitches
as a dba, which is
""doing business as"" [some other name].
"
"cw, if you should ask,
is the tried-and-true tack for a task.
such wisdom, conventional,
worthy of mention, 'll
save you a reach for your flask.
"
"there's a place to the east of the pond
where the finest of finery is donned.
the name of the street
that bedecks the elite,
found in london? aha! the name's bond.
"
"i'm a potter; my friends make a mockery
of my efforts at fashioning crockery.
i've time on my hands,
so i'm winding up plans
to save face by converting to clockery.
"
"though this roadhouse, at best, is remote ?
finest steaks? well, the place gets my vote.
at the crossroads turn right
and then stop for a bite
at ""four corners"", a tavern of note.
"
"as you drive on a road about town,
note each side slightly angling down.
this technical touch
sheds the rainfall and such;
the crest in the center's the crown.
"
"steamy jungles, the city of nome,
endless plains (where the buffalo roam);
an anthill, the sea,
or the trunk of a tree ?
each has denizens, calling it ""home"".
"
"the word spam has an odd derivation,
which is one way to prompt conversation.
if i tell you its start,
though, i won't seem so smart,
so i'll say simply ""pythonization"".
"
"punctuation's the squiggles and dots
that shows us what's what, or  ""what's watts?""
it designates pauses
and specifies clauses,
or, pointing, is calling the shots.
"
"i'm the choice, were the choice to be mine,
though this mission is hard to define.
if i fit, could you see
fit to designate me?
or, rephrasing, to send me, assign?
"
"the last day, christian wallowed and wailed,
""i just checked on my grades and i've failed.
who'd have known that diff e
would have netted a 'b'?
my plans for perfection? derailed!""
"
"i've a pistol i keep out of sight,
a derringer, tiny and light.
no blast-you-out rocket,
it fits in my pocket ?
my block's somehow safer at night.
"
"'68, with the protesters, fuzz.
'69, on the moon ? neil and buzz.
in the cbs fort
was the cronkite report.
and that is the way that it was.
"
"we all know he'd endorse what i say.
i am, thus, since the boss went away
leaving no one anointed,
assigned, or appointed,
the de facto head honcho today.
"
"lost my wad, and my shirt, but i feel,
with excitement that's hard to conceal,
next hand's mine; don't remind
me these cards are unkind.
i will win if i stay one more deal.
"
"i could not have foreseen this scene coming ?
two bottles, four girls, youthful plumbing.
in my nineteenth september,
one night to remember,
a debauch that for weeks kept me humming.
"
"rags of sail flutter, flap, in the breeze,
as the derelict sinks by degrees ?
abandoned, forgotten,
and nearly half-rotten.
neglect is a yacht's worst disease.
"
"in a bar sat descartes, one fine night.
said the barman, attentive, polite:
""would a beer be your tot?""
said ren?, ""i think not,""
and he instantly vanished from sight.
"
"now you're calling me names?  well, that's splendid.
i'd retort were i truly offended.
i won't stoop so low
and demean myself so,
when debate had been what i'd intended.
"
"he has no philosophical vision;
votes are cast, born of rank indecision.
thus studious ways
and a faraway gaze
draw the scoffs, sneers, and mocks of derision.
"
"our town said it's planning to cite us
as an eyesore ? they're fixing to fight us
over one plastic bag...
a small mountain of slag.
oh.  junk cars.  and some other detritus.
"
"try our deli, ""italian delight""!
fresh pasta with clams, red or white!
select an ideal
delectable meal
to tickle your taste buds, tonight!
"
"re: the old derry area choir ?
it's a name that will hardly inspire.
i feel like a chump
every time i think ""rump"",
but their singing i have to admire.
"
"i must plot for a shot (i've been schemin'),
or my wife will dispense me a reamin'.
no devil i lack:
i've got one on my back
and i can't rid myself of the demon.
"
"it's a sad day our children will greet
when consumption is over, complete.
they will walk home, alas,
when they've run out of gas ?
which is surely a pain ? in defeat.
"
"six atoms of c want to cling ?
do a double-bond, single-bond, thing.
to each leftover bond
atom h will respond,
making benzene, the hexagon ""ring"".
"
"the editor rose from his chair.
to the playwright he said, with a glare:
""though your writing is fine,
you've too much in each line;
please delete a few words here and there.""
"
"the dimensions of length, width, and height
are static, geometrists write.
choose an angle of view
where you look straight at two;
the third becomes depth, per your sight.
"
"conservationists stand in ovation
for lumberjacks' steps bring elation ?
announcing a freeze
on mass cutting of trees,
a stand against deforestation.
"
"my gate to the yard out behind
doesn't close right. i've looked and i find
that the sun's warped the fence;
in a transitive sense
it deformed it, thus making it bind.
"
"a spring-loaded bearing will roll
to a notch, or a groove, or a hole.
such a detent will do
for ""pop in"" (""pop out"", too)
like you've seen joining lengths of a pole.
"
"she urged us to make the world greener ?
make it healthier, natural, cleaner.
but her words, so impressive,
were bluntly aggressive;
we balked at her nasty demeanor.
"
"a milestone in jazz, there's no doubt:
top 40, make room; this had clout.
from paul desmond's hand
and dave brubeck's band,
the peak of the album time out.
"
"by act iii the whole problem's been solved,
but the climax was rather involved.
so a last little twitch:
the denouement, in which
all is tidied and neatly resolved.
"
"watch them practice; they field and they hit.
six months off hasn't hurt them one whit.
they can't wait to get started ?
off-season's departed ?
our baseball team champs at the bit.
"
"said the boss, ""i should what!? take you back?
every project you drove left its track!
i'll depict how you were ?
you were derelict, sir ?
you were negligent, careless, and slack!""
"
"the guy who paints stripes? running late.
but the grounds and the game wouldn't wait.
when the head of the crew
asked, ""you know what to do?""
said the newbie, succinctly, ""damn straight!""
"
"he adds makeup by light through the scrim ?
between scenes goes from gloomy to grim.
his memorized lines
include facial designs;
he can't see much, the wings are so dim.
"
"""go to jail. go directly to jail.""
forceful orders. no prayers will avail.
they emphatically state
that your course will be straight.
strike three, called.  out of order.  no sale.
"
"i was told, ""paint the church.  no constraints.""
the trustees, though, it seems, are no saints.
since i finished i've heard
every ungodly word;
i've been deluged, nay, swamped, with complaints.
"
"my sweetheart and i like this band.
waist to waist, cheek to cheek, hand in hand ?
i hope i don't slip
as i give her a dip:
flip her down on my arm and then stand.
"
"i might worry, or fret, even brood,
had i picked someone nice to delude.
but the clerk on our crew
is a jerk through and through,
so i found a few lies to include.
"
"very chic? i would never have guessed
faux-antique to be thought of as best.
pristine lumber is marred,
burned, disfigured, and scarred,
to create the motif called distressed.
"
"the republicans' nickname would be
""grand old party"", or plain ""gop"".
there are no cutesy gems
for the democrats ? dems
is their name on the news on tv.
"
"""i've made thousands, and still can't escape
cutting holiday snowflakes from crepe.""
""well, you'll think cheating's cheesy,
but die-cut is easy ?
mechanically stamping a shape.""
"
"friction-fit is the door that goes ""in"",
but it never stays shut.  then i grin.
the solution is simple ?
extruding a dimple:
a pit or a bump in the skin.
"
"""come thou hither, i prithee; be mine!""
the page withers, as leaves on a vine.
""your allurements, so vaunted,
leave me flustered and daunted.""
(but your serving-maid suits me just fine.)
"
"find the stocks that advanced?call them a;
then there's d's for declines (price decay).
graph the a to d slope,
predicting, you hope,
how the markets will move and which way.
"
"the fifties had slang we should mention:
some phrases of teenage invention.
to your buddy or pal
('cept of course, if a gal) ?
""hey, daddy-o!"" got his attention.
"
"as a programmer, ralph's no great shakes,
but he'll smoke out the errors he makes.
he'll add specialized signs
saying, ""don't use these lines,""
and have commented out his mistakes.
"
"i went to see mom. it's no bull ? her
home cooking's the kind makes me fuller.
she said, ""doughnuts are coming;
the fryer is humming.
while you wait, for a twist have a cruller.
"
"a lawyer on capitol hill
lobbied hard, but his work came to nil.
a levy he sought
wouldn't come, so they thought,
even close toward footing the bill.
"
"all those insults the players withstood;
still they played the best baseball they could.
but o'malley, that traitor,
killed brooklyn's the-ater,
dem bums moved to l.a. for good.
"
"in the cold, with the snow up to here,
comes a doe.  as she nears, it grows clear
she's a stare in her eyes ?
she is blind, i surmise.
shall i give her a name?  no-eye deer.
"
"lost a tooth in a bit of a scrap ?
there's no root left to anchor a cap.
so a fake one is tied
to the tooth on each side
in a bridge that will fill in the gap.
"
"acidimetry. here ? fix your head.
alkalimetry first should be read.
put acid in place
of each instance of base;
measure alkaline content instead.
"
"there's a word, starting ""d-i"", that fits
if you're lacking in brains or in wits:
a dingbat or dip
says your iq is zip,
as do dimwit, and ding-dong, and ditz.
"
"faded jeans and a well-worn sombrero
draped the frame of the old caballero.
""a simple new hat
would do wonders."" he spat.
""can't do that ? they cost too much dinero.""
"
"""circles, squares! may i have your attention!
length and width? antiquated convention.
things are looking up. how?
i've found 'height', i avow;
in short, there's another dimension!""
"
"in soft lighting sateen gives a glimmer;
add some more and it may show a shimmer.
for control over mood
on the stage, over food,
bring the lights down (or up) with a dimmer.
"
"anthropophagous children descend
to the kitchen at afternoon's end.
they let out a squeal
'cause the meal's a big deal ?
for dinner, dad's brought home a friend.
"
"with a decade of constantly striving,
he'd grown quite accomplished at diving.
""water entry? nice sport,
but i'd rather a court.""
so he gave up the board and went wiving.
"
"it might be a hole in the earth
or a dive in a bay or a firth.
the distance below
grade or surface we know
as the depth, as opposed to the girth.
"
"though she loves her pastels, we perceive
her a dilettante, and we believe
should her knowledge be doubled,
it still would be troubled;
her take on degas is naive.
"
"i post limericks written in loads;
never tried any sonnets or odes.
should i choose to pursue it,
i know i can do it ?
diversify, try other modes.
"
"a dirigible, candidly stated,
is an airship; the word's somewhat dated.
proponents will swear
blimps are lighter than air;
safe to say their balloon's been inflated.
"
"the decay time's when noises reduce
and those last little echoes let loose,
like the seconds that passed
since the cannonade's blast.
(it has nothing to do with bad tooths.)
"
"""couldn't fathom the typewriter; then
papa phelps bought a new one,"" said len.
""a selectric? tee-hee!
and forget the pc.
i'm a diehard for paper and pen.""
"
"my spouse always trumps my objections
to her ""gifts for the children"" selections.
read this plan: ""folding c
under a, tuck in b.""
someone's paid to compose these directions?
"
"i've no test scores or recommendations,
but this job site still spins some gyrations.
then: a dialog box
titled ""school of hard knocks""
says, ""please enter your qualifications...""
"
"fabbing chips, not of chocolate, not ice,
but of silicon: saw-cuts precise,
'cross and down on a wafer
(though lasers are safer),
make millions and billions of dice.
"
"""study now!"" is my every-night speech,
but my kids close their ears when i preach.
i have a new tactic:
some games are didactic,
amusing while serving to teach.
"
"i had noted that beaches at parks
were deserted, for rumors of sharks.
headlines twisted my claim ?
""lifeguard layoff's his aim"" ?
an attempt to distort my remarks.
"
"modulation in music's a breeze,
and it helps to have chords such as these:
minor thirds stacked on top
till you've four; you can stop ?
they're diminished; three cover twelve keys.
"
"electronics looks tasty; in fact
at our college, it's part of our act.
the connector my pal ate
was diallyl phthalate;
we think it'll come out intact.
"
"""jill's a moron!"" i'd said with a smirk.
but my boss? he's a consummate jerk ?
he released a directive,
replete with invective,
requiring politeness at work.
"
"there are things that don't seem to make sense:
british bankers wrote ""d"" to mean pence.
latin penny ? not ""p"",
but denarius, ""d"".
now it's ""p"" for new pennies from hence.
"
"his curriculum vitae decrees
he's a slimeball, a worm; he's a sleaze.
he's a pile of debris,
so remove his cv,
his life story, his r?sum?, please.
"
"when you need a control really fine,
like the brightness of light that you shine,
a proportional mix
in control is the fix:
on and off, very fast, by design.
"
"burn some oil (this won't work for trees):
heat your house against winter's hard freeze.
the control is stopped, guys
(the deadband's its size),
in the middle, a coupla degrees.
"
"expertise? emts say i star
(though in practice it looks quite bizarre).
for a heartbeat arrested
the answer's well tested.
save a life or two: learn cpr.
"
"a russian, well versed in cyrillic,
tried limericks that came out dactylic.
""diddy-dum in my mind,
in translation i find
that the dum-diddy's less than idyllic.""
"
"""where's my mouse?"" i cried.  ""oh!  on the floor!""
and the ditz made a dash for the door.
i've no fear, she'll come 'round ?
like that file never found,
she is clueless, offline, 404.
"
"there's hartford, where pols go if voted,
and greenwich, where incomes are bloated:
some places to see
in the state of ct
(that's connecticut, postally noted).
"
"for her birthday, her husband had bought her
a dress matching that of their daughter.
this gift she returned
to the store; it was spurned
for revealing far more than it oughter.
"
"the yuppie all day had been rakin'
in dough, and for baked goods was achin';
he stopped at the stores,
bought some pop-tarts and s'mores,
then continued, to bring home the bakin'.
"
"on their left, it's charybdis they face;
to the right, they feel scylla's ""embrace"".
sailors die twixt these spots
mythological ? what's
called a rock and a very hard place.
"
"""thy forgiveness i beg,"" said sir harry.
""i would rescue thee quickly, but marry!
sir gawain's right here;
he's an emt, dear,
and he's trained in the ways of the carry.""
"
"""are you lonely? am i misconstruing
those lost-in-thought eyes ? what you're viewing?""
""it's hard to disguise
i conceptualize
all the things girls and guys might be doing.""
"
"turning twelve on my birthday last fall,
i'd expected a major-league haul.
but my gifts? to dishearten
me, just a brown carton...
revealing... an autographed ball!
"
"""this lesson is fraught with disaster,""
she muttered to all those who passed her.
""i copied six score;
i need thirty-eight more,
but there's none left in this ditto master!""
"
"early work in genetic mutations
studied factors that forced aberrations.
coined from root words hellenic,
the word diplogenic
voiced duality in these creations.
"
"a decay constant sets the delay
when physical ""things"" go away.
the remainder will  be
a pure function of e,
to the negative t times the k.
"
"listing points that i thought needed mention,
i'd made slides for the bobsled convention.
but the overhead's focus
twists words, hocus-pocus ?
distorts them beyond comprehension.
"
"i spend day after day with my chum,
scrounging cans in the streets of the slum.
we divvy up loot
that we've garnered en route;
then we blow the whole wad on some gum.
"
"a dipole, a magnet, attracts
'cause imbalance inside interacts.
the flux coming forth
from the south attracts north
and vice versa.  a verse about prax?
"
"this herb isn't run-of-the-mill
(like eponymous pickles). stand still.
if you'll get your hands warshed,
i'll make you some borscht,
or some salmon, with sprinklings of dill.
"
"i fix divots; my tracks are unseen.
the club has a view less serene:
""it's expensive, this sod,
and we don't want a clod
like yourself chipping shots on the green.""
"
"the phelpses won't speak of jerome;
he's a dimwit ? his brain could be foam.
might have smarts but won't use 'em;
you'll have to excuse him:
his light's on but nobody's home.
"
"having failed at attracting a quorum
to the ""manners and etiquette"" forum,
the group fell to blows
while comparing their clothes ?
a deplorable breach of decorum.
"
"after five or six days (i forget),
heavy rain's made the trail here a threat.
there's a pond in the path,
and i don't want a bath,
so we detour; no need to get wet.
"
"a broadband connection's a need
for internet access with speed.
but pots will still keep
one online, on the cheap,
for the cost-conscious, dialup breed.
"
"there's my girlfriend, attempting to squeeze
into boots coming up to her knees.
wearing muffs on her ears,
and fur coat, she appears
to be fully decked out for a freeze.
"
"the bumps in the backsplash were small;
bits of lauan then peeled from the wall,
from which i've construed
it will end up unglued
and delaminate long before fall.
"
"vaccination rates, sometimes inferior,
affect zones like the asian interior,
which he'd ventured to visit.
his neck swelled. what is it?
the bacterial terror diphtheria.
"
"""mow the lawn, bob, and then take a nap,""
said my dad. ""housework's not on the map.
all that distaff, my son,
is the gals' to be done.""
my wife says that's nothing but crap.
"
"you've no cash for a pro, nor an elf,
but you've plenty of books on the shelf.
a diy guide
will have info inside
for the tried-and-true do-it-yourself.
"
"body-surfing's a cheap thrill at hand
at the ocean. ride waves. understand?
stretch and stiffen your torso
like a surfboard, but moreso.
you'll end up with a suit full of sand.
"
"i'm a science-class overachiever
and a dipole antenna believer.
plain old wire will do,
stretched out long, cut in two ?
at the center i tie my receiver.
"
"since her charms could make any guy weep,
i'd assumed her advances were cheap.
had i known from the start
she'd designs on my heart ?
i'd have said, simply, ""i'm yours to keep.""
"
"when new products fulfill your ambitions,
their ""approvals"" bear certain conditions.
never let the mains see
more than 30db
in the test of conducted emissions.
"
"life's a peach, if we wish to include
only those who by birth weren't screwed.
there's a class, disadvantaged,
our culture has managed
to bear, lacking schools, health ? or food.
"
"""bass reflex,"" he said, and i guessed,
""what you get when you thump wotan's chest.""
""you're baffled, you tweeter.
a speaker's much neater
with baffles, so low notes sound best.""
"
"""creams? of course!"" she affirms with a grin,
""but the loofah is where i begin.""
her program curricular
includes the cuticular ?
removal of dead, dried-up skin.
"
"financing this mansion is iffy,
but the neighborhood's tranquil and spiffy.
its resplendent appeal
says ""let's work out a deal.""
we could cut you a check in a jiffy.
"
"does the night break the light of the day?
or does night yield to solar display?
this simple dichotomy?
post frontal lobotomy,
if i had half a brain i could say.
"
"i was sent in to be my doc's debtor
when i fainted, a breather and sweater.
it was money well spent
on my hospital stent,
and i'll find that aortae get better.
"
"there's morphine or codeine, for pain,
and caffeine to fix up my brain.
alkalometry measures
the dose of these pleasures
(enough can be hard to obtain).
"
"were it there, he'd have pounded his gavel.
the judge, in a voice filled with gravel,
yelled, ""who's the damn roach
who put me in coach?
it's always first class when i travel!""
"
"a guy up ontario way
said, ""the court says you still owe me.  eh?""
i said, ""don't get upset,
go re-read the arr?t ?
the thing's broken: i don't have to pay.""
"
"with the company's focus applied
to increasing its markets worldwide,
the wash of benign
neglect caused decline
for ""small guys"" whose businesses died.
"
"young billy loved gigi larue ?
he would chat on the phone all day through.
she said, ""phoning is nice,
but i can't hear it twice.
could you send me a note? billet-doux!""
"
"an axil's defined as the angle
'twixt a stem and addenda that dangle.
though an axle controls
spinning wheels on your rolls,
take the axel for flash, splash and spangle.
"
"if you've poisons on hand, you'd be wise
to be versed in what labels advise.
if you've snakes (and you're near 'em),
maintain a good serum:
you need antipharmic supplies.
"
"she's not a purveyor of panties;
nor the neighbor next door to your auntie's.
""mrs. calabash"" came
to be famous; her name
was a signature ? jimmy durante's.
"
"andy's been to peru, where it snowed;
drove to chile by mountainous road.
he photoed the andes
(the peaks, not the candies),
an' dese are the places he goed.
"
"like the wretch of a novel's clich?,
i heard, ""out of my life! go away!""
i had tried to be wooful
but ended up rueful,
in heartrending, utter dismay.
"
"in my foundry i don't have to settle;
i add a few lumps to the kettle:
a deoxidant, so
to remove excess o ?
too much oxygen weakens this metal.
"
"we wanted to put up a fence
without bearing a major expense.
so we planted the edge
with a natural hedge
that is thicker than thick, downright dense.
"
"the evening was nice; we had fun ?
but persona and looks? not the one.
she was decent, not great,
an adequate state
for a date. for a mate? i'm not done.
"
"hang the vegans; i eat what i wish.
i'm a big fan of crabmeat and fish.
new york strip's hard to beat,
as are franks on the street.
and this mystery meat?  it's delish!
"
"i'm okay, but i make no pretense
that my chessplaying skills are immense.
my opponent drew white
and then moved his queen's knight.
it appears i'll be playing defense.
"
"hope his heirs don't expect to inherit
a windfall from sales of the ferret.
i deem it a dud;
i consider it crud
and adjudge it to be without merit.
"
"thirty winters ? the span was a wreck,
so a bridge engineer went to check.
it needed new paint,
but his major complaint
was the roadbed.  ""resurface the deck.""
"
"""giant yard sale, turn right"" the sign read.
she veered and pressed on as it said.
if the detours were clipped,
all these side trips were skipped,
we'd have more time for nookie instead.
"
"this equipment dates back to the days
when an audio deck would draw praise.
it's so small, though; i feel
that this can't be for reel,
so it must be cassettes that it plays.
"
"the anesthetist hankered to speak
to the students about his technique.
though old and retired,
he always inspired,
recounting his daze of the weak.
"
"mid-east restaurateurs have the knack
for supplying a drink with a whack.
have une glace and a wee
demi-tasse d'aujourd'hui,
a small coffee (unsweetened and black).
"
"it's held mice, handled joysticks, and more:
ancient teletypes, networks galore.
early dos owns the fame
for securing the name
of the com port, com1: 2: 3: 4:.
"
"with white, brown and orange she's dressed;
the name joseph's descriptively best.
but the colorful swirl
says our kitten's a girl;
with a calico coat she was blessed.
"
"bgh is absorbed smooth as silk;
causes cows to give one-tenth more milk.
a synthesized hormone
(not what makes lenore moan) ?
might be nasty, like some of that ilk.
"
"i can lay the jokes on pretty thick,
though some girls say the word makes them sick.
but a newly hatched bird
lacking humor absurd
boasts the innocent label: a chick.
"
"my furnace was making a clatter,
but no heat;  i looked into the matter.
the thermostat sent
out a signal that went
to a relay emitting a chatter.
"
"the blacktop guy's work was pure schlock;
he'd a sixpack before one o'clock.
i'll do better, no doubt,
if i rip it all out,
and replace it with patio block.
"
"trees have fruits like a peach or a plum,
or grow nuts, which taste better to some.
though the beechnut is edible,
with flavor incredible,
don't feed it to baby, by gum!
"
"in the earliest boolean days
all logic was built hardware-ways.
the math, now outmoded,
was bcd-coded,
most often when used with displays.
"
"""words ending in buck,"" said my son,
""are all antelopes?bushbuck is one.
also waterbuck, reedbuck,
whatever-you-need-buck,
and springbuck?"" (he'd only begun.)
"
"this sign, where the road intersects
with the train track, is shaped like an x.
it's a crossbuck, which works
as a warning to jerks
who might otherwise end up in wrecks.
"
"now official and viewed as the norm,
it's a rule with which kids must conform.
to ensure their compliance,
we've hired a few giants
(ex-cops) who'll patrol in the dorm.
"
"every beat of my heart is for you,
while my pulse (it's dicrotic) has two:
one beat at its peak
and a second that's weak?
this condition's a danger. who knew?
"
"this powerful, tawny-brown cat
lives in regions both hilly and flat.
america's home
to the cougar?but roam
as it once did? there's no chance of that.
"
"an arachnid's cucullus (the plate
on its cephalothorax) adds weight.
pseudoscorpions lacking
this shield when attacking
have sealed a lamentable fate.
"
"this puma is tawny to brown?
of concolorous tint, tail to crown.
with its monochrome hue,
it stays hidden from view
till it suddenly takes its prey down.
"
"when america sought to get all
of the leaders in europe to fall
into line and say no
to its soviet foe,
it discovered it hadn't de gaulle.
"
"alexis mikhaylovich ruled
over russia and forcefully fueled
its expansion to reign
over eastern ukraine,
keeping serfs and most peasants unschooled.
"
"at agincourt, longbows embarrass
(as henry's proud englishmen harass)
the french and their armor,
thus forcing each farmer
in arras to flee into paris.
"
"adrenoleukodystrophy
has nothing to do with antistrophe.
this disorder destroys
cerebellums in boys.
yes, in boys, only boys. (that's epistrophe.)
"
"with flowering umbels and style,
the african lilies beguile.
agapanthus enthrall
most observers?not all.
some egyptians are still in denial.
"
"there's adak and atka and attu.
and unimak, umnak, and rat, too.
they're islands aleutian
and oft the solution
to difficult crosswords. (yeah, that, too.)
"
"in the library i was perusing
an art book while quietly boozing.
i kept hitting the juice
as i studied toulouse;
then i barfed, and it wasn't amusing.
"
"in the sea between turkey and greece
nestle islands that now are at peace.
they are called the aegean
and prompted a paean
to jason's renowned golden fleece.
"
"there's a hack advertisement i see
for insurance these days on tv.
an obstreperous duck's
quacking ""aflac!"" at schmucks
who remain unaware of his plea.
"
"fancy instruments aid in detection
of air as it moves in advection.
anemometers know
just how fast it'll blow.
(moistened fingers can help with direction.)
"
"the aleutians are isles in a chain
with a barren, forbidding terrain.
andreanof and fox?
they're essentially rocks
you can get to by boat but not plane.
"
"a two-spotted ladybird's feeding
on aphids on hardwood, not heeding
a crow that alights
for adalia bites
(taste so good!) then goes off again speeding.
"
"""adrenocorticotropin?""
her response wasn't what i was hopin'
when i asked (in that tone)
how to make a ""hormone""...
to my jokin' she wasn't that open.
"
"at oxford, bill clinton dug classes,
the campus, the culture, the lasses.
when he told us a tale
(""ah didn't inhale""),
he was looking through rhodes-scholar'ed glasses.
"
"for the hill-dwelling welshmen of blorenge,
one playwright is certain to score: inge.
to william's acclaim
is now added some fame?
from this limerick, for rhyming with orange.
"
"caviar to the general means
that a product's for kings or for queens:
much too fancy for blokes
like us commonplace folks,
who think roe ain't no better than beans.
"
"having catholics and protestants sliced
and the last denominationally diced
into differing sects,
they're in basic respects
still all part of the body of christ.
"
"a guernseyan native, fran?ois,
speaks the island's endangered patois.
when i ask in my lame,
broken french, ""what's the name
of your tongue?"" he says, ""dg?rn?siais pas.""
"
"""i've no fear my satirical prose'll
be lost on the lord and the losel.
their ken will be swift
since they're catching my drift,""
said a wit with a modest proposal.
"
"a computer's a programmed machine
with instructions permitting routine
electronic compiling,
retrieval, and filing
of data (both clean and obscene).
"
"her close-fitting bodices sheathe
her anatomy, making me seethe
with excitement and lust
for her bountiful bust.
man, that basque is so tight i can't breathe.
"
"concentration camps sought to create
a mirage with a sign at the gate.
it read arbeit macht frei,
(""work brings freedom"")?a lie
to the jews due to die out of hate.
"
"bridesmaid adelaide, all of us know,
has this itch to get hitched?even so,
her accosting young lew
while he muttered ""i do""
was a sure way to darken the show.
"
"at the bakery this cute little thing
tugs my heartstrings and makes them go ""zing!""
as i enter the shop,
though, there's no one.  i stop,
tap the bell tip, which makes it go ""ding!""
"
"when you write all those bytes to your disk,
they get juxtaposed, squeezed, in a whisk.
you can't just pretend
knowing where columns end.
you delimit the fields.  end of risk.
"
"we sell chicken parts down by the river;
get 'em straight through to you in my flivver.
cut 'em up, down to size ?
i'll bring drumsticks and thighs;
gizzards, wings, and the necks.  we deliver!
"
"he tells lighting he sees a reflection
backstage, from the scenic projection.
his actors can't act
but he fancies as fact
he's on track for awards in direction.
"
"add an affix to some random word;
derivation is what has occurred ?
as in danced comes from dance,
or perchance came by chance;
but renege formed from ""nege""? that's absurd.
"
"dad's forebears all flunked out of schools
that perceived them as blithering fools.
the birds and the bees,
though, bred no such disease
in our kids, where the distaff side rules.
"
"i visit my pal (and my mentor),
who owns the accordion center.
the shop's bright and airy;
she's cued by a fairy:
""ding-a-ling"" sounds the bell as i enter.
"
"demarcation of data needs tools,
per the profs in computerese schools.
a defined byte, specific,
splits byte-strings prolific,
and ""comma-delimited"" rules.
"
"said a centipede crossing a bridge, ""it's
small wonder i don't get the fidgets.
in the traffic, the street,
i keep track of my feet
but my toes? i can't count all those digits.""
"
"she's a dimwit, a ding-dong: she's dizzy.
input/output? her line rings a ""busy"".
how can hair that's as straight
as the blade of a skate
spring, enate, from a brain that's so frizzy?
"
"building houses on limestone's not sound.
diaclasis, the cracks all around,
allowed water to seep,
making holes pretty deep;
now i'm living three feet underground.
"
"equal spin, my mechanic observes,
would make screeches to grate on one's nerves.
my car's differential
is truly essential
to driving through corners and curves.
"
"this bottle's been capped by an imp,
or a beastie who thinks i'm a wimp.
the crown cap won't twist
without spraining my wrist.
i need help; it's attached with a crimp.
"
"her diminutive size will appear
a surprise, if her voice you should hear.
a critique comes a cropper;
short legs will not stop her ?
""they both touch the ground, never fear!""
"
"it's geometry time, so let's fiddle.
make a circle, a point at its middle.
run a line edge to edge
through the point.  i'll allege
the diameter's drawn.  end of riddle.
"
"on a pier full of cars (i'm not kiddin'!)
clouded windows kept couples well hidden.
i did what i could
(or whatever she would),
but i didn't do what was forbidden.
"
"on the packet, a single command:
""don't eat!"" ? and i look at my hand.
were it filled with enough
of this desiccant stuff
i could turn the red sea into sand.
"
"i'm a renaissance man, through and through:
tastes eclectic; a dilettante stew.
my interests diverse
come replete with a curse ?
i can't finish one thing that i do.
"
"highway signage can offer a tip
lest your wheels take a tangent, or skip.
it will presage a lump
by announcing a ""bump"";
for a trench or a hole it says ""dip"".
"
"a sidekick to buffalo bob.
painted face and a nosey red blob.
a horn's what we heard ?
only once spoke a word.
it was clarabelle.  heckuva job!
"
"add adreno- to corticotropic
and then acth is the topic:
there's a hormone (arcane)
and a gland in the brain
whose anterior lobe's microscopic.
"
"not a kin of the fiber called kemp,
abaca is a product of hemp.
in manila i'm going
bananas while blowing
a year as a rope-making temp.
"
"in the okefenokee these frogs
sit on cottonwood branches and logs
by the rivers and thickets
while chirping, like crickets,
their name to the listening bogs.
"
"in japan i turned red as a rose;
lighting up like a flame was my nose.
just one drink with a geisha
brought acne rosacea,
which barkeepers doused with a hose.
"
"a.b.e.'s an industrially rich,
biochemical process in which
we get acetone first,
then a butanol burst,
up through ethanol?each has its niche.
"
"abu dhabi is run by a sheik,
one of seven whose emirates make
many arabs united,
but hardly delighted
to live in the desert and bake.
"
"in the garden of verse in her room,
she's been honing her skill with la plume.
every blossoming flower
adorning her bower
is poetry: sheila's abloom.
"
"we've ascended so high in the skies
that our airplane can no longer rise.
at this absolute ceiling,
i'm getting the feeling
a parachute might have been wise.
"
"a coordinate ""-tuple"" connects
to a point on a plane and directs
how to mark and not miss a
cartesian abscissa
aligned with the axis called ""x.""
"
"when criminals aid and abet,
they will be in society's debt.
there's a sentence inside
for the help they supplied.
on release we'll forgive and forget.
"
"a ca thinks accounting is bliss.
the can is the loo, where you piss.
cant is slang on the tongue,
and a canto is sung,
while a canton's a state, to the swiss.
"
"the patient's a kid and a squirmer,
so the stethoscope's pressed a bit firmer.
the whooshes increase
to their crests and then cease.
such crescendos betoken her murmur.
"
"an ancient sumerian drum
is the ala, which sounds like it's from
le fran?ais (? la king?).
but the ala, a wing,
rhymes with gala, a party to some.
"
"from his home on a mirzapur pond, he
portaged his boat and took gandhi
down river to pray
on the ganges one day.
""did he tip me? yes, twice,"" said the dandi.
"
"adorers are folks who adore.
?gee, that's great, can you say a bit more?
adorers revere:
what revere means is clear,
'cause reverers adore.
?you're a bore.
"
"i'm a brown university drop-out,
a student who opted to pop out
of classes for beers.
were my ivy league years
and my boozing on campus a cop-out?
"
"back in law school, his swagger and sass
made this greaser the head of his class.
now his lawyerly flair
is as cool as his hair:
meet our slickly pomaded d.a.!
"
"cowabunga! a phrase that conveys
your excitement, amazement, or praise.
it's a favorite of bart's
(he's the simpson who farts),
but it started way back in the days.
"
"he's the runner who carries the ball
when the quarterback gives him the call.
if he gets a good block
and can slip every knock,
no defender will catch him at all.
"
"this carnage we wreak is insanity,
which flows from our hubris and vanity.
we power our boats
through a mammal that floats.
oh, the crimes that we do to you, manatee!
"
"in most countries, we artists get beat:
sell a painting?your profit's complete.
in some others, resold,
the same work earns you gold.
droit de suite?man, that's neat; there life's sweet!
"
"dryandra grows low to the ground.
in australia these shrubs will be found.
though their leaves tend to harden,
they're great in a garden?
with beautiful flowers they're crowned.
"
"how boring i find it to mull,
and so tedious, having to cull?
from a lexicon full
of stale words, i must pull
a (ho hum) word that rhymes with (yawn) dull.
"
"i promised to give my gal sal a
stout rope that is made from cantala?
from the leaf of agave.
she's brave as the navy
to lasso a bounding impala!
"
"my son's debonair and urbane,
and on horseback he plainly acts vain.
should a dame catch his eye
as he's galloping by,
he just pulls to a stop?he draws rein.
"
"""here's a word that i found,"" said my mom.
""it is downsitting?here in this psalm,
number 139?
one of david's?divine!
it means 'sitting,' but said with aplomb.""
"
"the bergamot orange's tree
grows a fruit that's as tart as can be,
but its peel smells divine,
so for perfumes it's fine.
it adds flavor to famed earl grey tea.
"
"when our astronauts went to the moon,
we americans thought it a boon.
""the eagle has landed,""
voiced neil. to be candid,
we guessed we'd all follow him soon.
"
"a convulsionary's someone who's making
much turmoil by quaking and shaking.
neither calm nor at leisure,
he's having a seizure;
this tumult you'll not be mistaking.
"
"when the opera had reached its conclusion,
we all gasped. then a mighty effusion
of emotion ensued.
though we cheered, louie booed;
he was rude?an unwelcome intrusion.
"
"at a concert a listener wants
entertainment, at least for the nonce.
though borge could play
classic music all day,
his was comical, par excellence.
"
"the newspaper columns he wrote
featured stories and essays of note.
a cockroach, each night,
(name of archy) would write
clever poems for marquis to quote.
"
"see those girls pirouette and pli?.
""why, they must be from europe!"" you say.
but you're wrong: thank the dean,
mister george balanchine;
he's the father of u.s. ballet.
"
"buy baltic, an avenue small,
for the masses with no cash at all.
it's a shoddy faex populi,
not boardwalk monopoly,
but still sways the game, i recall.
"
"mailed out twenty-four bucks, ninety-eight;
tales of lust! will it warrant the wait?
when it showed up, i'd never
seen a book this thin, ever;
'twas tame, in its bowdlerized state.
"
"said i, to the database lass,
""your server's become a morass.
your front-end is fine
(handles better than mine),
but your back-end's a pain in the ass.""
"
"my wife's an alumna of state,
talks ""men"" with alumnae, that's great.
i attended there, too ?
an alumnus, state u.
as alumni, we started to date.
"
"in a right turn, the wheel on the right
scribes a curve like the left, but more tight;
the ackerman angle
prevents tire mangle,
adjusting the diff'rence, though slight.
"
"some crewmen rose up with a cry,
casting loose loyal sailors, to die.
""your unabashed mutiny
will never pass scrutiny.
you'll hang for this!"" shrieked william bligh.
"
"dactyl dave thought his ankle might burst;
it was twisted ? a turn for the worst.
so his auntie, a nurse,
fixed his pain (and his curse):
dave's bad foot auntie dactyl reversed.
"
"""i've developed an earworm,"" ted said.
""will it kill you,""  asked fred, ""stone cold dead?""
""not a bug, parasitic,
nor an ailment otitic,
it's a tune that goes 'round in your head.""
"
"not a neighborhood rife with cachet?
""call it nowheresville,"" some people say,
while some others, to tease us,
will call it east jesus;
we'll shrug as we're driving away.
"
"with old age i've become presbyopic.
in your records, the print's microscopic,
but it says, in your case,
that your gland's out of place.
your adrenal, my dear, is dystopic.
"
"what? you're short and it gives you the blues?
please don't choose, like a loser, to booze.
dump those sneakers?kaput-wear?
and buy some new footware:
life improves with new elevator shoes.
"
"cacodylic-type acid succeeds
in fulfilling the gardener's needs.
it's got arsenic in it?
in one new york minute
it starts killing off all his weeds.
"
"can a reference work now and then make,
in defining a word, a mistake?
look this word up; perchance
you'll find ""great love of france"":
callomania?that takes the cake!
"
"if you vote for this bill, i suspect,
all the voters you'll soon disaffect.
then your former supporters,
discerned in all quarters,
will find someone else to elect.
"
"cenerentola (yes, cinderella)
is an opera where singers will tell a
tale of underdog winning,
but from the beginning,
we can tell she'll do well with her fella.
"
"when i'm sneezing from hay- or rose fever,
or from dogs, like my golden retriever,
chlor-trimeton pills
help my allergy ills.
they're a cheap, speedy symptom reliever.
"
"beck described his manure-filled projectile
in words that, to me, sounded rectal.
""what a potty-mouthed boor,""
i thought. ""so immature!""
but his language was just dialectal.
"
"the sequence begins with flirtation,
then the wedding with great celebration.
once the revels abate,
you must housebreak your mate.
that's your very first task?domestication.
"
"when i saw him, i winced at his shrunkenness.
his cheeks and his eyes both showed sunkenness.
i surmised that cirrhosis
was the guy's diagnosis?
a result of poor diet and drunkenness.
"
"this malayan's a dwarf, very small,
and has clubfoot, but that isn't all.
in this guy from malaysia,
diastrophic dysplasia
means his bones may well break, should he fall.
"
"to begin, you perform a dilation,
and next you achieve evacuation.
they, in proper proportion,
comprise an abortion?
and that's my expert consultation.
"
"my wife's an unusual shopper;
she's bought me a dress hat?a topper.
it's a tall hat of beaver.
it was hard to believe her
when she said it would make me look proper.
"
"if you swim in the bay at the park,
take some care, lest you're hurt by a shark
called a bull or a cub.
just stay vigilant, bub,
and be sure not to swim after dark.
"
"here's a shrub that we call manzanita
and it's downy, my dear se?orita.
when it hasn't grown fully,
its twigs appear woolly,
or hairy, just like an akita.
"
"you're on watch for two hours, not four,
in each dogwatch on shipboard. what's more,
it means staying around
in a newsroom, or bound
to work late on your factory floor.
"
"in the kitchen, my mom is a toiler.
lumpy oatmeal, for her, is a spoiler,
but this pan helps my mother?
one pot in another?
a great, so she says, double boiler.
"
"""i'm engaged to a drugger!"" cried faye.
i was shocked and replied with dismay,
""he will hang out with thugs,
spend your money on drugs!""
""he's a druggist,"" she said. ""it's okay.""
"
"my seven-year-old makes a study
of ways he can make his clothes duddy.
they're most ragged and tattered,
and thoroughly splattered
with mud when he wrestles his buddy.
"
"abel's skull got a very deep dent
where cain hit him?to heaven he went.
was cain banished to hell?
we all know very well
east of eden is where he was sent.
"
"what is drip culture? lifestyles moronic
of some jerks who embrace things hedonic?
no, a dribble (not squirt)
into substance inert
that one needs to grow plants?hydroponic.
"
"it's enough to engender a funk:
what's dilatant will turn into gunk.
when deformed, it goes screwy,
gets viscous and gooey.
(i'd rather go out and get drunk.)
"
"disadvantage may cause people harm.
cousin margo has only one arm.
though she hopes she can cope
when she skis down a slope,
many bystanders gasp with alarm.
"
"chase replaced his whole manuscript, based
on their counsel. it's now double-spaced,
and his work gets their votes.
mom and dad can make notes
and their comments are easily placed.
"
"i'm afraid peter's heart's in vt,
going fast, like it's gone on a spree.
now the picture's complete;
there's a clear dressler beat
on this sheet?look, it's pete's ecg.
"
"my friend was so happy she purred,
when the gospels of jesus she heard,
and the antilegomena
she read with aplomb, in a
book (revelations, preferred).
"
"the disciples were christ's chosen few.
to discover their history, you
in the gospels may delve.
you'll opine there were twelve?
or read luke and decide: eighty-two!
"
"raleigh's cloak became spotted and muddy
in a ploy to become qe's buddy.
had he brought along duckboards
(those walk-over-muck boards),
the garment would not have turned cruddy.
"
"after hours of intense concentration,
i am still in extreme dubitation.
you have left me in doubt,
as i can't figure out
what your play is about. what frustration!
"
"though the weather is humid and muggy,
he feels snug as a bug in a ruggie.
is it raining or fair?
dougie sighs, ""i don't care!""
seems the guy's getting high?he's a druggie.
"
"this poison you brought from the palace is
the type that can lead to paralysis,
but before there's anergia
you'll suffer dysergia?
a clumsiness. that's my analysis.
"
"""here's a tool that will help you to dust,""
said her husband. ""you'll love it, i trust.
but although it's a mop,
it is not used for slop.""
""then it's useless, you dimwit!"" she cussed.
"
"antinationalists  don't find it fun
to compete and yell, ""we're number one!""
in their view, that's irrational;
they like international
spirit in getting things done.
"
"the caddoan languages found
on the plains?do we know how they sound?
the five tongues remain linked,
but now kitsai's extinct,
and the rest may not long be around.
"
"""deep-sea  fishing,"" said roy, ""i'd enjoy.
miles offshore,  high-tech gear i'd employ.
i would catch me a marlin,
have it mounted.""  ""but darlin',
our marriage that fish might destroy!""
"
"the inebriate might be your mother,
or your dad's new significant other,
or your father, whose drinking
has loused up your thinking.
it's time to try alateen, brother!
"
"when i showed her my bracelet,  aunt jean
said, ""this gem is the strangest i've seen.
with a sort of a stripe,
it's a cymophane type
of a cat's-eye, and yellowish green.""
"
"an astute, perspicacious old colonel
wrote impressions of life in his jolonel.
""i may seem like a crank;
sure i value my rank,
but its spelling,"" he wrote, ""is infolonel!""
"
"here are video scenes from my trip
to south africa's southernmost tip.
no, it isn't the cape
of good hope on my tape.
it's agulhas?means ""needles"" on ship.
"
"to decimate means to wipe out,
to destroy, to demolish, to rout.
though it first meant to kill
every tenth man, that still
left a whole lot of corpses, no doubt.
"
"this ca's an accountant, the chief,
and an expert at doling out grief.
he directed the audits
that earned all the plaudits
for proving our boss was a thief.
"
"a fixer of pots ran a scam,
and a lady complained,  ""you're a sham!""
he informed her,  ""look here.
i'm a tinker, my dear,
but quite frankly, i don't give a damn.""
"
"there's a crystalline chemical that's
manufactured from oxidized fats.
it's adipic, a kind
of an acid you'll find
is employed to make nylon cravats.
"
"often, commalessness, is the key,
to let sentences, sensibly, be.
overdoing the pauses
(like clutching at straws) is
a weakness in writing, to me.
"
"a ring that he's left in the tub
sets this bar-owning vampire to scrub,
but it triggers the thought
of the gore that he brought
from the bloodbath he wrought in his pub.
"
"catharistic, devout albigenses
were purged like the poor albanenses.
their heretical path
drew the vatican's wrath:
they got flushed, in the manner of menses.
"
"on the cream-fruit, the info is scant:
this west african tropical plant
was believed to produce
a nectareous juice.
that's about all my sources will grant.
"
"a debate is a battle of words,
where the wit of each side undergirds
every argument, claim,
and retort?what a shame
that my foe has a brain like a bird's.
"
"abe's a condition whose root
is bacterial. pains often shoot
through the heart?it's appalling
that doctors are calling
my endocarditis acute.
"
"aftercataracts: clouds that arise
when disease has afflicted the eyes.
it's a noun that's been hyped
as the longest one typed
with one hand?and a word for the wise.
"
"the beluga had flourished with ease
in the black and the caspian seas,
but a market was surgin'
for roe from these sturgeon
as fans went on caviar sprees.
"
"dame gilly's adorning her court
with a flower?a kind of a wort.
it has blossoms of white
that turn fragrant at night
and elongated spikes for support.
"
"this perennial plant is a dame,
and her blossoms and scent bring her fame.
purple, violet, or white,
she's a rocket in flight?
prompting some to ask, ""wort's in a name?""
"
"when corynebacteria teem,
these gram-positive pathogens seem
to be fatal to plants?
and to man if, by chance,
his diphtheria's getting extreme.
"
"if you roll cured tobacco to smoke,
you have made a cigar, okey-doke?
when tobacco's chopped fine,
rolled in paper, like mine,
it's a cigarette. here, take a toke.
"
"the deceiving began in my youth.
i'm an absolute fibber, forsooth.
that i falsify is
apodictic. gee whiz!
it's the lies i like more than the truth.
"
"british accents are clipped and precise;
lenis consonants never suffice.
use full stops for your t's?
never slur them as d's.
and your syncopal cemet'ry? nice!
"
"with two pickers, a vintner is blue.
grapes are rotting, but what can he do?
at his vineyard in france,
there's no ghost of a chance
he'll succeed with a skeleton cru.
"
"roads are wet, then they freeze and black ice
is a danger, so take my advice:
drive with care lest you skid,
and then crash?as i  did.
now i'm cautious; it won't happen twice.
"
"i'm so down when the stock market's down?
when it plunges, in teardrops i drown.
when it's up, i feel up,
like a frisky young pup,
spending money all over the town.
"
"for christmas i asked for a drum kit
that's beautifully crafted?a plum kit?
but santa (that bum)
brought a cheesy toy drum
in a do-it-yourself pack, some dumb kit!
"
"in my youth i could see with precision;
now i flounder, attracting derision.
each acquaintance begins
to look mighty like twins?
it appears that i've got double vision.
"
"you had promised excitement; i must
give you back this old book with disgust!
i couldn't help snoring;
the book was so boring?
just dryasdust, crusted with rust.
"
"""i've invited six buddies for dinner,""
said jim. ""hey, i'm just a beginner,""
cried his bride, in a snit.
""where on earth will they sit?""
""now our drop-leaf-style table's a winner!""
"
"in my nautical journal i wrote:
""as i rowed i saw driftweed afloat.
as toward shore the plants drifted,
i reached down and lifted
a handful right into my boat.""
"
"the bathysphere's used to explore
underwater biota, and more.
it's a large metal globe?ya
might get claustrophobia
as you peer at the sea life offshore.
"
"something awful is wrong with my bone.
on my x-rays it's lucidly shown.
what's my doc's diagnosis?
he says, ""dysostosis?
the bone has defectively grown.""
"
"i suffer severe dysarthrosis;
my joints are made stiff by fibrosis
that hampers their movement.
i crave some improvement,
but fear an unhappy prognosis.
"
"""no more signs of your mourning and pining,
you're beaming, effulgent?you're shining!
you're radiant, brilliant.
how'd you get so resilient?""
""each cloud has its own silver lining!""
"
"to pour out, much more quickly than ""ooze""?
there, the word that i'd use is effuse,
but for ""scattered, spread loose,""
there my choice is effuse.
such distinctions can greatly amuse.
"
"the answer's up here, in my cranium,
to: ""define a dove's-foot""?a geranium?
but it causes me grief,
as this plant's scalloped leaf
is unlike a bird's foot?no calcaneum.
"
"as i stepped through the door, spirits soaring,
i expected the joint to be roaring.
i was sure i would score
with two dames, maybe more,
but the party was dullsville?just boring!
"
"fellini addressing his staff:
""this idea may make some of you laugh.
i'm proposing a movie
that's sexy and groovy,
and calling it 8?!""
"
"what's electoral? any connection
or allusion to any election,
like the voters' cross section,
or the outcome projection,
or the poll-watchers' loyal protection.
"
"when i visit ren?e's french chalet
in vouvray, every evening we play
this old card game for two?
and i haven't a clue
why i lose like i do??cart?.
"
"elektra awaits at the house
of her mom (who's the queen) and her spouse,
till orestes, her brother,
arrives to kill mother
in the blood-spattered opera by strauss.
"
"said monroe: ""i'm proposing a toast
to those jokers who hustle the most?
corybantic? pedantic?
romantic? just frantic??
along the (atlantic) east coast.""
"
"""i make biodiverse realms sustainable,""
claimed gray. is his statement explainable?
his ecobabble squall
sends us all up the wall.
priest of balderdash? gray is ordainable!
"
"""please draw close,"" said the basketball coach
to the student. ""don't fear to approach.""
""but your words, sir, befuddle,
draw close means 'to cuddle.'
on my privacy, thus, you encroach.""
"
"cousin alice feels safe and serene
when she's hooked to this wondrous machine
undergoing dialysis.
here's her analysis:
""treatment will keep my blood clean.""
"
"draw out means ""to pull or extract.""
use it that way?its meaning's exact.
drawing out's  ""invitation
to self-revelation.""
it also means ""stretching,"" in fact.
"
"dorset horn is a great breed of sheep?
giant horns on their heads, and they reap
several lambings per ewe
every year. yes, it's true,
so production of lambs turns out cheap.
"
"you will downweigh chuck's cruddy old truck
if you fill its whole bed full of muck.
as the clunker's outmoded,
when the thing's overloaded,
you're bound, like a schmuck, to get stuck.
"
"while penning a poem with glee
(one on india's fight to be free),
i wrote?nehru to gandhi?
in a foot called dispondee,
a line that read: ""long time no see!""
"
"a downpour?a torrent of rain?
may appear to be something mundane.
that's unless there's a drought;
then you'll shout, run about.
""god is bailing us out!"" you'll explain.
"
"doctor bartolo lives in seville.
when rosina won't bend to his will,
he gets mad. though he rages,
a young man engages
her love, helped by figaro's skill.
"
"this house  that's for sale i'll explore,
as its front sports a large  double door.
though my steinway is wide,
i can bring it inside.
(guess a pianist lived here before.)
"
"""i love all things italian,"" cried betty,
""chianti, fontina, spaghetti;
but what's best is to see a
great star play lucia
in the opera by g. donizetti.""
"
"fancy weaving for me is a hobby.
i've a loom that is made to weave dobby,
with its finely made patterns
unsuited to slatterns?
my fabric makes suits for the snobby.
"
"though the lady is shapely and beauteous,
to society's rules i'll be duteous,
all my actions obedient.
here's the major ingredient:
keep my eyes and my hands off her gluteus!
"
"politeness i'll never neglect,
and i'll show every woman respect.
as a host i will dutifully
treat my female guests beautifully.
every urge to make out will be checked.
"
"""this room's dusty. you risk its combusting
if the dirt catches fire. it's disgusting.
use this dustrag!""  gus cussed,
feeling very nonplussed.
""seems your housekeeping needs some adjusting.""
"
"differentiators tell things apart.
is it science, or maybe an art,
telling klee from monet,
or faur? from bizet,
or perhaps just a burp from a fart?
"
"when your sides, left and right, have ataxia,
diataxia's ruined eupraxia.
if no cure is expected,
muscle balance is wrecked. it
won't foster a calm ataraxia.
"
"drug allergies may produce hives,
which are itchy and mess up our lives.
in this case, stop the med;
try another instead.
such a switch can assure one survives.
"
"in the downpour, the guys heard maude mutter:
""there's a flood, 'cause i gave joe my cutter.
i was out for a stroll
when joe cut a big hole
in the downspout that leads from the gutter.""
"
"when i went to morocco last june,
in a boat on the draa, heard a tune
about mountains of sand
stretching far 'cross the land?
seems a draa is a very long dune.
"
"years ago, of yvonne you were fonder.
now your coldness has caused me to ponder
why you're no longer friends.
can it be how she spends?
she's a dingthrift;  your money she'll squander.
"
"cross two citrus trees.  what will you get?
different hybrids, and some you'll regret,
but the citrange is good,
and i'll try one. it would
be for marmalade-making, i'd bet.
"
"said luciano, ""the critics don't spare us.""
added pl?cido, ""and they compare us!
they contrast me with you,
but we're not only two.
we're three tenors?the other's carreras.""
"
"there was labor unrest at the store.
the employees, disgruntled, cried: ""war!""
and expressing their ire,
set the building on fire,
so that nobody works any more.
"
"dr. schramm said the x-ray exam
of my bile duct (cholangiogram)
showed a rounded and small stone?
a definite gallstone.
goodbye to whipped cream and fried ham!
"
"from desolate, bare patagonia
to the jungles of wild amazonia,
the native reliever
of high, spiking fever
is cinchona bark, source of cinchonia.
"
"radiation, depending on dose,
can treat illness, or else diagnose.
what's dosimetry's role?
it's to help us control
proper dosage. to err would be gross.
"
"just how many home runs are bat-able
per game? is the record come-at-able?
if my son keeps on slugging
and stays free of drugging,
will baseball teams find him compatible?
"
"the chigoe's a tropical flea
that when pregnant is happy to be
nestled right in the skin
of your foot or your shin.
""free maternity service!"" cries she.
"
"at the dentist's, we all know the drill:
first he picks at your teeth with great skill.
next he finds something needing
his drill. then proceeding,
he finally sends you a bill.
"
"""consider this lovely greek isle
where you might like to bide for a while.
it's called chios?make note?
and not chaos,"" i quote
from our guide with the shy little smile.
"
"will our nation be damning its fate
when mccain and obama debate,
and we choose 'tween a fib
from a lib who is glib
and a lie by a guy who talks straight?
"
"what powers a quadruped's jump?
it's the croup (that's a name for its rump).
so remember this rule
when you walk by a mule:
go in front?if you're kicked, you're a chump.
"
"abstractively thinking, we greet
a particular object and treat
all its features apart
from itself?let me start
with the color and size of a beet.
"
"maury povich's viewers all know
the unfortunate mom's not a ho.
a paternity test
will determine which guest
draws the boos on this dad-blamedest show.
"
"""when one nitrogen atom combines
with three hydrogen atoms, it finds
a molecular home
and no reason to roam,""
so ammonia proudly opines.
"
"""shall we conga or polka our way
to the congou and pekoe today,
or just sip the darjeeling
while dipping and reeling?""
(miss lipton is teasing earl grey.)
"
"why's the frenchman, that haughty elitist,
a run-from-the-battle get-beatist?
surrendering monkeys
are darwinist junkies:
it's survival, i'd say, of defeatist.
"
"a poet would have to be crazy
to write on the city of dazey.
for dakotans, its name
might elicit the same
puzzled look as zaire or zambezi.
"
"the bible declares that the meek
shall inherit the earth, while the clique
that's comprised of the brash
and the haughty will cash
in their chips down in hell?up the creek.
"
"the danegeld's a burdensome tax,
and we english should stiffen our backs.
so the money we pay
keeps invaders at bay?
i say geld every dane with an ax!
"
"from this plant, one extracts yellow dye
that to fabrics one then can apply.
it is called dyer's rocket,
and here in my pocket
is a vial of the extract to try.
"
"melancholia filled her with dread,
and she thought she'd be better off dead.
jane was drowning in grief,
but she found some relief
from electrodes applied to her head.
"
"""bring me gin!"" he exclaimed with ferocity,
then drank with prodigious velocity.
he began with a snort
and consumed the whole quart;
i've no doubt of the man's ebriosity.
"
"yes, it's true, i've developed a crush;
just the thought of her turns me to mush.
my devotion's emphatic
to my love, asiatic?
i blush to admit?a blue thrush.
"
"i'm in love with lucinda's left earlobe.
it's so soft?not at all an austere lobe.
i find it endearing;
there she wears a gold earring,
so it's punctured. i feel for this dear lobe.
"
"my new girlfriend's outstanding appeal
is her earthiness. man, she's for real!
she'll be treating my folks
to some off-color jokes.
dad will laugh till he chokes; mom will squeal.
"
"first he waved, then he motioned mysteriously.
i thought: ""am i seeing deliriously?""
but he earnestly beckoned.
""it's a signal,"" i reckoned;
the policeman was calling me seriously.
"
"the imposing and stately old sage
distinguishedly stood on the stage,
but his speech came out jumbled;
he stumbled, and mumbled,
and stopped when his eyes left the page.
"
"what is bent? it is one kind of grass?
narrow leaves, tender stems?but alas,
call it dog bent or brown bent,
its stems will be down bent
when we tromp on this grass as we pass.
"
"first ben drives me away, then relents,
and he'll elegize, writing laments,
all so maudlinly mournful,
his poems seem scornful,
for ben never truly repents.
"
"almug, the very same thing
as algum, two words that we bring
from the bible (o.t.)
where they name a great tree
that is sandalwood, fit for a king.
"
"cutis vera? it's part of the skin
that covers your chin and your shin?
not the skin of your teeth.
it's the layer beneath
epidermis, where vessels begin.
"
"a prisoner, locked in a cell,
for a pet has a cockroach named belle.
he is sure she is female?
she just couldn't be male?
her sumptuous curves cast a spell.
"
"in biblical studies i'd dabble,
and that's where i learned about cabul.
it was part of a gift
that left hiram quite miffed.
does the bible, at times, read like babble?
"
"darwin's theory? some doctrine still mocks.
many pastors will preach to their flocks:
""mister darwin a menace is;
he speaks against genesis.
a clockmaker made all the clocks!""
"
"the story's in front of our noses:
in the bulrushes, there she finds moses,
and will raise him to glory?
at least that's her story?
it's bullfeathers, so one supposes.
"
"understanding the bible is hard.
take the case of addar (also ard).
was he benjamin's son?
or his grandson? thus one
must remain on perpetual guard.
"
"diverticula making you sick? you
may need a repair: diverticu-
lopexy; cut
off that sac in your gut.
ask your doc to take care not to nick you.
"
"""un ballo in maschera? what
is the opera about? is its plot
about makeup?"" asks sara,
""a lump in mascara
that causes a stye? maybe not.""
"
"i said, ""joe, daddy thinks that you're drony,
and i'm sure he believes you're a phony
with a proneness to shirk,
and allergic to work.""
joe was irked, and he bellowed: ""baloney!""
"